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I 'm on a six to eight week vacation . Mom went to her Doc today , turns out it 's not 3 broke ribs , it 's 4 broke ribs ! ! ! He told her this week will be bad , the second even worse . Course Mom is right away with " when can I ride " . He said her could after three weeks but , without saying exact words like " stupid horse person " , he mentioned that he certainly wouldn 't recommend it . Said 6 weeks might be OK , 8 weeks would be better . Told Mom his Mom had the same break , while her was better at 8 weeks , at 6 months out her still has twinges . Doc gived Mom stronger pain killer , it be helping . Specially with her arm , mad it tons better . Also prescribe a strong muscle relaxant and give her a flu shot . Mom has never had one , but Doc said if her got a breathing infection now her 'd be doomed to a hospital . Got my feets all trimmed this afternoon . And Promise went to her Doc too . Da ulcer , though still there , has completed the first phase of healing . Prom Doc happy bout that . Mom happy cause while the eye is redder than a tomatoe , it be open and Prom be smiling . That 's how Mom is doing things VERY SLOWLY . Imagine a movie played in slo - mo and that be her . Plus her is right handed an all the injury is on her right side to boot . So when her does my bedroom , her lifts the poo from her right side , and fills the wheelbarrow only 1 / 4 up so her can manage to move and dump it . Takes her an hour now just to clean my room , her is happy it 's not winter so her can use the hose for filling my water instead of buckets from the water thingie . Her has to brush me left handed too . Know way can her fill my hay bags so now I get to vaccume it all up the way I prefer . Dad is going to have to bring the bedding bags down from the pile cause those are just to way heavy . Mom is a bath person but , is now using the shower cause if her did manage to get in the tub , there is no way her 'd be able to get out . Her is now sleeping on the couch partly because her can prop up easier , partly because it takes 20 minutes for her to get out of bed . If her had to get up to pee it wouldn 't be good , her 'd never make it . Her has figured out that prior to getting up , sitting down or lifting ( light stuff ) her has to take a big breath and hold it . Otherwise it 's like being knifed bad , this way the knife pain isn 't quite so bad . Her managed to do two loads of laundry today . Her pushes the basket around rather than lifting it . Usually her only does something that could cause big pain like my bedroom after her takes her pain meds . Then after her has to lay down and rest a while . Her is glad her has RFD - TV so her can watch horse stuff : ) Mom still be hurting bad , who 'd have thought bruised ribs would hurt so bad . The pain killers aren 't being much help . Her has hard time sleeping in bed cause being flat out hurts and if her habs to go potty it takes bout 20 minutes just to get out of the bed ! ! ! I 'm not getting hay nets for a bit either which I like , it just hurts Mom to much to fill them . Our neighbor was supposed to go with us but canceled . Luckily ( kind of ) another lady was alone and wanted company so her n Mom rode together . Unluckily , I 'd already bonded with the group of horses near me and April ( horse we rode with wasn 't one of them ) . So heading out was the last thing I wanted to do . The entire first mile I attempted to head back to camp . Mom just circled me lots an we got to the first obstacle still arguing about it a little . Obstacle one : I had to trot past a faux campsite , then back again . I balked at first cause of wanting to go back to camp so got a 7 on that one . Obstacle two : I must mention April is a TWH , her walk had Mom trotting me lots which gave me opportunity to grow my brain back . By the time we got to this obstacle I was my normal self land didn 't care if we couldn 't see April and her rider . What we had to do was walk over 5 numbered logs that zigzagged thru some brush . One of the few naturaly occuring obstacles . The first log was WAY tall on me , I refused our first attempt as I assumed Mom was making a mistake in asking me to cross . Once her asked again I realized she for some odd reason actually wanted me to and went on over . This log was so high that it actually bumped Mom 's stirrup off her foot ! ! ! The other 4 was easier . I did really good but , got a 7 cause of the first refusal . Obstacle three : Mom was to dismount , pick up animal which was actually two black trash bags taped together and filled with foam . Her then placed trash animal across the cantle , remounted rode to a barrel n back , then handed the trash animal off to judge . I got a 10 on that one . Obstacle four : was the noise obstacle . They had two crazed yapping dogs tied alongside the trail , another crazed yapper tied on the other side . The dogs didn 't know each other so barked at each other pulling on their ties . Add horse walking along trail just few feet from them . Lots more barking and lunging . I got a 10 on that one too . Course having my own dog helped I 'm sure . Obstacle five : Trash pickup . Mom was given a grabber ( like on TV commercials ) , cause well you always ride with one don 't you ? ? ? Den her was given a plastic grocery bag . We had to pick up a bottle , a baseball cap and a towel . We only gotted a 5 cause of Mom ! ! ! Her just couldn 't coordinate the grabber AND put what her 'd picked up in the bag very well . Plus she kept accidently asking me to disenage my rear because without realizing it at first she was holding it where her puts her leg to cue me for that . I was circling , circling , circling . Once her realized her DUH , we completed our task . Obstacle six : Was square hoop pullover . They had a huge square built of PVC pipe with colored ribbons tied all over it and a rope . The idea was I step into square with front feets , Mom pulls the rope bring square w / ribbons up over me , lets it fall behind , then brings it back over into original position . Course when Mom started pulling it I thought her wanted me to back so did . Mom just thought " yeah we 'll do this on trail all the time " and passed thinking it silly . Obstacle seven : Cause of the crash where Mom still knows her shoulda just passed . One thing I didn 't mention is that the lady and TWH we 'd been riding with , after their attempt ( couldn 't do it either ) rather than waiting for Mom . Her just rode off and left us to fend for ourselves ! ! ! Da next lady ( she won 2nd place ) , asked if Mom would like to ride with her . By then Mom was ready to continue so we did . I liked this horse way better too . Dat lady and judges were stunned by Moms former riding partner just leaving her like that . Obstacle eight : Dis was a creek crossing . Differant than most as it 's sides were built up with barn stones . So I had to drop my front down at least three feet to enter creek , cross , go up the same . Then we was supposed to return . Da drop down jarred Mom 's ribs / shoulder pretty bad so her just waved back and said " nope , not coming back " . We waited for our new partner to cross . We got a 1 on that cause we did part of it . Mom had decided anthing that caused pain we 'd avoid . And anything I balked at we 'd just continue on as her didn 't have full use her right arm . Her kept thinking of injured cowboys having to finish their ride ! Obstacle 9 : they had 4 things of PVC pipe with branches sticking out . We was supposed to walk thru them . Not eat them wich is what I did hee hee . I mean come on we 's been out three hours and I was hungry . They shoulda done that one first ! ! ! We got a 0 on that one . We caughted up with our old partner so now we rode with three . New partner kept asking if Mom was ok , Mom said that my hips rolling back and forth was actually pretty soothing . Trotting her just held on to the cantle to stableize the bumping a bit . Obstacle 10 : Apparently they thing we 're football players . Had 7 tires laid out forming a V , they was like a whole inch apart . Mom thought " Oh , what the heck , we 'll give it a go " . I got a 10 on that one , guess I should try out for football team : ) Obstacle 11 : Backing in a figure 8 round two trees that was like 8 feet apart . Mom had us give it a reasonable attempt . I 'm a good backer , but not that good . We got a 2 as we gotted some of it done . Obstacle 12 : For some odd reason Mom thought this one was funnest . They had 16 barrels , lined up in sets of 4 with bout three feet between each ( maybe less ) . The was marked A , B , C , D n F . Had to go thru in alphabeticle order . If you went thru out of order you was DQ 'd , if you knocked on over you was DQ 'd , you had 40 seconds to complete . Mom n me just whizzed right thru perfect , it was last obstacle so lotsa peoples were there and cheering us on . Specialy ones that knew Mom was wounded . Only one snaffoo , after we 'd completed them , I thought we was done not realizing I had to cross the finish line and all . So , in true Haflinger style , I congratulated myself by stopping to graze . Mom not being able to use her right arm good couldn 't stop me . Once I realized we wasn 't done , we crossed the finish line but , had gone over time . We got a 1 on that one . One rider after us knocked a barrel and got DQ 'd her whined that the barrels was to close . Everbody pointed to me saying the Haflinger did it ! ! ! Geez , give a girl a complex bout being wide ! Whilst writing this post Mom gotted call from Xray doc . Her has 3 cracked ribs after all . Mom told him she was expecting his call . Her 'd already made appointment for Wed . to see regular doc . Who 'd have though cracked ribs would hurt sooooo much her says . Haven 't heard bout the paramedic lady , we will Wed . though when I gets my feets trimmed . Yup , Mom found out that saying is very accurate ! ! ! Had a bit of a mishap at the obstacle ride yesterday . Obstacle # 7 was over the top ( guess that 's how they gave the ride the name " Over the Top ? ) You know how most obstacle rides involve draggins something ? Well # 7 was dragging cans tied on a rope . You 'd think six maybe 7 cans would suffice right ? There was enough cans tied that you 'd have thought they got them from a Fraternity party . At least 50 ! Mom was to lift the cans up off the barrel they was on , drop them to the ground , ride dragging the cans to another barrel , then back to the first one , pick up the cans and put them back on the barrel . Mom was actually planning to simply pass on this obstacle but , as she was talking to the judges I began playing with the cans . So her was thinking , Oh she 'll be fine so we " tried " it . Mom lifted the cans , I was fine , then she dropped them . I wasn 't so fine , I went BAM . Simply spooking wasn 't an option , I had to kill those cans , so I did my best . I did a very atheltic twisty buck & kick off to the right . Mom knows this cause her could see my butt an feet out of the corner of her eye . Mom flew really , really good , she didn 't land so good though . Her landed on her right shoulder , & knocked the wind out of her right lung real good . One of the judges at the obstacle happened to be the ride paramedic . Hmmmm think they knew it was a tough one ? ? ? Took Mom forever to be able to breath good . I 'd trotted off around the bend a bit , but was on my way back to check on Mom when someone came to catch me . They looked Mom over real good , she rested a while then got back on and rode the rest of the way out which was couple hard miles . Mom 's a trooper that 's for sure . And her didn 't blame me one bit , she understood that obstacle was stupid an her should 've gone with her gut . Her found out after that her 'd been the second rider to come off at the cans . The paramedic lady checked Mom several times after the ride . Den da paramedic lady decided to ride her horse a bit . Mom 's wreck was pretty bad , da paramedic wreck was HORRIBLE . If her 'd not been wearing helmet ( Mom did too ) her 'd have been dead ! ! ! Her helmet cracked from front to back , it made Mom 's stomach turn just seeing the helmet . Her horse had a tizzy fit bout leaving her friend , da paramedic lady did a summer sault landing right on her head . Dey called 911 , covered her with a blanket and kept her still . She began arguing and wanted to get up , Mom bent down and said " you made me listen to you , now you have to listen to them " , she laughed and stayed still . Her could talk , laugh , wiggle her fingers n toes . Lotsa vehicles with lights n sirens came and took her . We hope you guys can all say prayers for her . Back to Mom , her hurting really bad this morning , so she went to trauma care . Xrays showed no breaks , but her 's supposed to go to her Dr . and maybe do MRI to make sure . Dad be out picking up her meds right now . Even better news is Mom still loves me ! For some unknown reason ( to mom ) I suddenly didn 't wanna ride back thru my woods . Rather than whip me into submission as had been recommended , Mom thank heavens simply broke out her clicker and bag of treats . Guess what riding in the woods is fun after all . No instead of bulking and saying " now way " , I " m all " Pa - leese Mom can we go play in da woods " . We was supposed to camp again this weekend . The weather man said " nope , no camping for you " . The Ohio Horseman 's Council is having a obstacle ride tomorrow . Da area for parking is in a valley and grass , Mom 's worried that in spite of 4 - wheel drive if today 's rains keep up as promised we won 't be able to get out , if we can get in . Her 's gonna pack up the trailer just in case cause we really wanna go play . Promise is back from the Dr . While her tear count did go up to 8 from 0 in the bad eye , her 's got an ulcer on it now . Soooo , new meds . Today Mom 's gotta give to differant drops every two hours . One has an antibiotic , the other is actually made from Promise own blood serum . Isn 't that neat that they can do that . Her eye is far from being out of the woods though . Dry eye is bad but , normally treatable , corneal ulcer is bad but treatable . Together well , it be questionable . Mainly cause one of the dry eye ointments contains steroid which keeps the inflamation down . But , the ulcers like hers don 't heal good with steriod . And her particular type of ulcer is one that grows , destroying the cornea . Sooo , being off the ointment will help the ulcer , but . . . Well , you get the picture . Promise goes back to Dr . next Wed . , the ulcer means they gotta watch closer too . They suggested a cone of shame to keep her from rubbing it . Mom just laughed explaining that the being a corgi the size for her neck would make walking with her short stubby legs impossible . So , Mom went and got her a comfort cone which is basicaly an innertube round her neck . The Dr . started to explain differant paths to take if treatment wasn 't working . Him was way relieved when it was Mom and not him bringing up taking the bad eye out . Much as Mom hates the thought of Promise being one - eyed having grown up with a blind dog , and riding with a one - eyed horse friend her understands . Better alive and pain free . One of my dogs " Promise " has an ouchy eye . Three weeks ago " after " two visits to her regular dog Dr . her went to an eye Dr . Her was diagonosed with dry eye , basically her eye isn 't making any tears . You might think , Oh no big deal right ? It is , big time though . . . See her beautiful blue eye , it 's not so pretty right now and it hurts her real bad . Mom puts three kinds of medicines in it . All three twice a day , one of them couple more times . The first Vet had her doing one thing and it helped for a week . Da eye Dr . prescribed what Mom be using now , those worked for a week too . Mom called telling eye Dr . it was getting worse again and that one med in particular was ouchy to Promise . Dr . had her change out that med from a drop to a gel . That worked super " for about a week " . Now her eye is all bad again . Ivy been licking at it , so Promise is being kept away from her which is hard on the girl dogs cause they be bestest friends and all . It 's crusting up , so Mom making warm compress of saline solution to clean it . Mom be doing these things religiously . Poor Promise even though her hates it , comes when Mom asks despite knowing Moms gonna be sticking all this gooey stuff in her eye . Promise is so owey her tries to stay by herself , and her walks all head down . Tomorrow morning her goes back to the eye Dr . So please eberbody send good eye vibes to our Promise girl . Mom 's eyes be kinda leaky too right now cause of Promise being so sad and ouchy . Later . . . Boy if me n Mom keep having adventures like today I 'm gonna be one buff Hafy Gurl ! ! ! Mom took piktures too , mainly cause Dad teased her that her never remembers . I hitched a ride in Dakota 's trailer , its very nice and new . I do prefer my ramp though , and Dakota sounded like a mule yelling in my ear when I loaded . Jeez , hers got a mouth on her , almost went deaf . We went to a place called Brecksville , it 's part of the Cleveland Metroparks system . They have stables there too . My used to be trainer Barb ( saving for new saddle means no trainer right now ) met us there with her Arab gelding named Faremair , I might of spelled that wrong . We 've ridden with him before so all three of us horses knew each other . This place was really pretty and big , and hills , oh my did it have hills . Lots and lots of hills , some going down , some going up , lotsa creeks , several bridges . We saw some hikers , some of them had dogs with them . One dog hiker pair kinda scared me , not on purpose cause they were nice and polite . I was doing my power trot up a hill and just as I crested there they was . The man had already stepped off the trail and had the dog sitting cause Dakota and Faremair was couple lenghts ahead of me . I 'd expected to see my friends , so was surprised about them . I did a little stiff scoot away but , then was fine right away again . We saw like 8 deer , couple of big bucks with racks , three resting by a log , couple Momma 's with their fawns . One scared Faremair , him and Dakota was trucking along up a hill ( did I mention there were a lot of hills ? ) , the deer got spooked and ran one way . Faremair did a little hop / skip to the side but like me recovered nicely . The first couple of hills , Mom started me trotting up them , I thought I 'd prefer to walk them . Soon I discovered Mom had the right idea , trotting was a good idea . So rest of the ride Mom I listened to Mom bout that . Halfway up hills , Mom would touch my neck and say " Power up girlfriend " , I 'd kick in my turbo and Whoompf we 'd be right up that hill . Mom laughed cause I 'd trot so fast her imagined someone called Fred n Barney in some Flintstone car with their legs going in circles real fast . You humans probably know what she 's talking bout , cause I sure don 't ! ! ! This one shows how I don 't have a need to be close up on trails ! ! ! We 'd get so far behind sometimes , Mom would eventually yell ahead " we 're catching up " . I found out realy quick that her 'd ask for a trot after that so whenever her yelled " catching up " , I 'd start trotting . Not with the turbo turned on however . . . This was our view for most of today . Mom notices that if we 're with horses I know , I prefer to just hang out behind for the most part . If we 're with new horses , I like to lead the way . Once I find out their not stupid or something I won 't care where I am though . . . Barb got off Faremair to take some pix for Mom . Dakota and Danette are posing , I 'm not drinking like you might think . I 'd found a root and was trying to pull it out . I rarely drink at creek crossings , I prefer to flutter and flap my lips in the water . Makes really fun sounds ! ! ! Try it sometime , you 'll see frogs and crawfish scatter like crazy ! This one shows what good boy Faremair is . His Mom is the one taking the picture , Faremair just stayed where she left him . He was catching leaves as the floated by . Dakota was the only one drinking at the creeks , me n Faremair just played in them . Mom requests that you please do not biggify these as she looks like a total misfit . . . This was at a differant creek , did I mention there were a lot of those ? I 'm standing up the hill while Mom takes a picture . Yup I said a hill , yet again . Oh , another Hafy sighting , this time a handsome Chocholatey guelding . We didn 't get to meet as he was crossing over our trail to head up another in front of us . I don 't even think he got to see me at all . Mom n me went for a trail ride this morning . Cathy and Jillian ( differant Jillian than ours ) used to be neighbors long time ago . Everybody thought it was funny when Mom moved there cause both Mom and Cathy 's daughters are Jillians . Not a common name at that time even . Anyway , they 've been talking bout getting together and finally did . We all met at a nearby trailhead called SilverCreek . Cathy 's horse is an off the track Standardbred gelding named Duece . Jillian rides a cute little paint mare named Katori . Duece being off the track still thinks if a horse is behind he has to race it . So Cathy n Duece brought up the rear . Duece is also not happy with other horses being near , can you believe he gave me , " I 'm gonna get you " ears ? ? ? Takori , is 5 and still a little green , if she 's in the lead she wants to gooooooo ! ! ! Takori is very freindly and sweet , her kept reaching out whenever I was near just wanting to do a " Hi , your nice , I like you " touch . I liked her . Soooo , I was lead most of the time . Mom says it 's a good thing that I don 't care where I am . It was a nice laid back , peaceful ride with the riders catching up on things . Talking bout us horses n stuff . Cathy had some major tail envy , she just couldn 't get over my luxury tail . Jillian said it looked like one bought at QH Congress ( whatever that is ) . Some of the trails was pretty sloppy with mud , lots of mud . I normally don 't mind but , this was ridiclous mud . At one point Katori was lead , she walked into a puddle and dissapeared up to her armpits ! ! ! Her 's a brave girl and didn 't care though . I was next in , my front dissapeared too , I noticed a leafy branch within grabbing distance so had a little snack with my bath ! ! ! Duece managed to avoid his front dissapearing somehow . We did lotsa trotting , specially up hill , Mom still getting used to this saddle so her liked this as it helped her lots . When we gotted back to the trailhead , I spotted another Haflinger getting saddled up . Found out her name is Penney , her be shorter and rounder than I . Her owner was shorter too , so they made a good pair . Our peoples chilled on a picnic table before loading us in our trailers , they were talking bout something for next weekend we might go do . I 'm feeling pretty popular with all the new friends I 'm meeting . Excluding Duece cause he didn 't really want to be friends . Oh well , his loss I say . Tomorrow I 'm going out again , differant trailhead , differant group of friends . I 'll be hitching a ride with Dakota since Eclipse isn 't going . Cameron and Snip who live up thru the woods be going too . Wish me luck keeping up with a TWH , SSH , and Thoroughbred everybody ! ! ! Hay Mom , we need to talk bout a few things . . . Like hay , I want more you 've been working me nearly everyday ya know . . . And it 's hard work toting your bootie about all over . . . So , why are you still just sitting there ? ? ? I want more , hay , more treats . . . Since your not listening so good , how bout I just get my own treats then ? . . . WHAT ! ! ! Did I hear that right ? You say I can 't just demand treats ? How bout hay then , can I demand hay ? . . . Mmmmm , how bout I ask real nice and give you a big ol smooch ? . . . Paleese , purty paleese , can 't you see I 'm starving ? . . . Yup , works every time ! Later . . . Since Pippin and Doc my Hafly blog friends over at Living A Dream introduced their neighbors . I thought it appropriate to introduce a few of mine too . You know , Doc and Pippin that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery don 't ya ! I also mismatched your names above so neither of you would get jealous and think I play favorites : ) On your left is my friend Dakota with her Mom Danette . On the right is Eclipse , he 's my other best friend , he 's with his Mom Lori . They both live next door , just like 90 feet away . I can see them from my paddock , pasture and my bedroom window . During certain times of the month ( You mares know what I 'm talking bout ) , Dakota holler back and forth lots complaing bout our ovaries n stuff . . . Dakota is kinda embarrased here . Her and Eclipse are going on a riding getaway at the end of the month and having dress rehersals to make sure their new gear doesn 't bother them . Dakota thinks her boots look like bedroom slippers . Her 's aren 't a pretty red like mine ! ! ! What is it with humans ? They see a camera then drop everything to smile and wave . Don 't they know cameras can 't wave back ? ? ? Eclipse is like " Moooom , your embarresing me " ! ! ! I mean he 's standing there half dressed with his breast collar just hanging and all . I don 't blame him a bit . Almost forgot to mention yesterday . Mom an me might do another camp out this month . It 's an obstacle ride thing I guess . Mom don 't care bout the obstacle stuff much , but says we 'll give em a shot if we go . So yesterday her was wearing a jacket to keep the skeeters at bay in the woods . Once in the arena her took it off while on me . Then we rode over to put it on the bedding bag stack . After we was almost done playing we rode over and her got it . First her put it in her lap . But , then accidently dropped it . So I picked it up and handed it to her . While grabbing it she dropped her / mine spanker , I picked that up and gave it to her too ( don 't know why since it 's sometimes used on my bootie ) . Then her put her jacket back on . So , Mom says if dropping jackets then picking them up is an obstacle , I 'll win that one for sure ! ! ! Mom n Me have just been playing around in the pasture the past few weeks . We 're working on my turning off of her leg , which is going super good . I 've even been trotting trees like their barrels ! ! ! Mom 's been working on sitting my trot . Don 't tell her but , that 's not going so good if ya know what I mean ! ! ! Getting better but , she still needs work . Mom had made plans to trailer to a trailhead and meet up with a new Hafy friend . That got sidelined , so her n Danette was going to take Dakota n me someplace nearby . The weather peoples put a veto on that plan . Sooooo , instead we decided to go play out back in the woods . Eclipse person Lori came too , so we had a kinda play date party . Mom rode me back thru the woods over to where Dakota n Eclipse live . This is the first time this year we traveled the woods just the two of us all the way to Dakota / Eclipse barn . Coming outa our woods , I got kinda skeered cause there was a green and a white chair sitting there watching with their scary chair eyes . Mom circled me around a few times , the chairs didn 't do nothing so I went ahead . We road off towards the boarding barn a bit , then turned to head for Dakota / Eclipse barn . Had to pass the scare chairs again , but that was OK cause I had the bridge crossing to be concerned about instead . Did that , thru the woods some more , another bridge then we 're at the barn where Dakota / Eclipse are still getting dressed . So Mom n me hung out and she " tried " to stop me from grass snatching . For some reason Danette 's grass just tastes sooo good I can 't help but , " try " to steal some . Finally their ready and off we go thru the woods over to the arena . Once in the arena I just wasn 't feeling it and didn 't wanna do what I was asked very much . So Mom resorts to " telling " me what to do SIGH . I just wasn 't in the mood to trot for some reason the arena makes me not want to do that ? Mom asked if it was cause I was embarrased at how horribly her rides my trot . I didn 't wanna admit it and hurt her feelings so I trotted out a bunch . Dakota had to leave early , so just me n Eclipse were left to play . He doesn 't like his Dakota girl out of his sight . Lori was figuring he 'd throw a hissy over her leaving . But , he done realy good . We rode a while longer than headed back threw the woods . Eclipse can be pretty rushy doing that but , I thought he did real good . Normally once we 're back at Danette 's home barn , Mom dismounts and leads me home . Today her decided to ride home . Her was sooooo proud of me cause I did it no prob at all . Usually , I don 't want to leave to go home and keep turning back to Dakota / Eclipse . Today , I just rode up thru the yard , stopping just a moment to relieve my bladder ( thought the yard looked dry ) . Up to the human house , past the trailer , atv and lawn chair with Leppy ( cat ) taking hims bath . Then up the drive to the road , we waited for a car to pass then out onto the road and home . Mom was just all about how good I am , that I rode the road like we do it daily . I was like " No biggy Mom " . Course I got extra hay to munch once I was unsaddled . That made it sooo worthwhile for sure . Oh , Mom rememered to take her camera BUT forgotted to use it . Jeez , her 's got " sometimers " I think . Cause " some times her remembers , some times her forgets " . Gotta love her though , and she 's mine so that counts for something . This H - U - G - E red truck comes and it backs right into my paddock . . . I was minding my own business way at the back of my pasture . You know doing my thing " nom , nom , nom " . When I hears this " beep , beep , beep " . Course being curious me , as it could actually be another load of hay ( I missed the delivery last time ) , I gotta come check this out ! ! ! My super hero cape flying behind me ! ( Take note that do to several floods this summer my grass is still greenalicious ) . . . Once I get up to the barn , I first realize that Mom has the middle gate closed so I can 't really get up close and proper . Then it dawns on me that this isn 't hay after all . Course between my super hero mask and looking thru the darkness of the barn it was kind of hard to see real clear what it was . So , I stops to try to get a good looksee . . . Onyx assures me all is well , and informs me it 's not more hay after all . Apparently since we suffered thru so many floods , my peoples decided to fill in low areas to help me be high n dry . The driver left his truck door open while talking to Mom and Dad . Onyx silly dog was trying to figure out how to get his short stubby legs up and in the truck cab ( no pix of that sorry ) . Jeez , it 's a 15 ton truck Onyx ! ! ! Ever since Mom got her big pick u truck his asperations of being a truck dog have been realized yet he want ' bigger and better I guess . . . My awesome hard working Dad following my implicit instructions . Don 't worry I had Mom doing the same in the barn aisle . Not about to allow my people to become slackers . Onyx was supervising her as I kept tabs on Dad .

I 'm sure that at one point or another , we 've all asked the questions " Why me ? " and " What did I do to bring autism into my ( our ) life ? " I can 't answer those questions for you . Sometimes when we 're looking for answers , what we really need is motivation . Dick Hoyt gives me a lot of motivation . Whenever I get a little bit down , I think about Dick Hoyt and his son Rick , and I tell myself to Get Over It . Don 't be a sissy , and don 't waste time feeling sorry for yourself - just get out there and make Calvin 's life better ! Today I stumbled across a copy of Dick Hoyt 's story , so I thought I 'd share it with you . The story is written by Rick Riley and published in Sports Illustrated - give it a read below . I 've also included a video clip , but it 's hosted somewhere else , so I can 't guaranty how long we 'll have access to it . Just make sure you have a tissue handy when you watch the video ! Strongest Dad in the Worldby Rick RileySports Illustrated Magazine , Life of Riley , 6 / 20 / 2005I try to be a good father . Give my kids mulligans . Work nights to pay for their text messaging . Take them to swimsuit shoots . But compared with Dick Hoyt , I suck . Eighty - five times he 's pushed his disabled son , Rick , 26 . 2 miles in marathons . Eight times he 's not only pushed him 26 . 2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2 . 4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars - - all in the same day . Dick 's also pulled him cross - country skiing , taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U . S . on a bike . Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame , right ? And what has Rick done for his father ? Not much - - except save his life . This love story began in Winchester , Mass . , 43 years ago , when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth , leaving him brain - damaged and unable to control his limbs . " He 'll be a vegetable the rest of his life , " Dick says doctors told him and his wife , Judy , when Rick was nine months old . " Put him in an institution . " But the Hoyts weren 't buying it . They noticedPosted by There are hundreds of alternative treatments available for parents of autistic children to try . Researchers , scientists , and the medical community at large have made a lot of noise about the validity of most , if not all , of these alternative treatments , saying things like , " They haven 't been scientifically proven to work " and " They 're treating something which has been scientifically proven to be inaccurate " . They would prefer to test these various treatments using two different methods , either of which would be scientifically valid . Double Blind Studies . Take 200 similar kids , give 50 % the treatment and the other 50 % a placebo , and study the effects . If the results are different between the two groups then the treatment works . Identify a Single Variable . Keep everything else in your child 's environment exactly the same , and introduce one new variable . Then see what happens . If you see improvement then the variable made a difference . Both of these methods are great , but both of them have major problems for parents trying to help their little ones . Problem 1 . There is no such thing as 200 autistic kids who are otherwise similar - autism affects each child differently , all the way down to their brain and central nervous system 's ability to process information . There are many cases where a treatment / supplement helps one child and has no effect on another child , or even makes him worse . Problem 2 . In many cases , a child will make improvements based on multiple variables working together . In these cases , it would be impossible to isolate the one variable which caused the improvement . Problem 3 . Time . If we wanted to try 200 different remedies , treatments , therapies , supplements , diets , etc . , and we kept everything else constant , and we tried each " variable " for one month , it would take 17 YEARS to get through all the possibilities . And that 's just doing them one at a time ! Personally , we didn 't want to wait 17 years . We believed we had a small window of opportunity , a few years at the most , to make the biggest impact on Calvin ' Posted by We all have a lot of time & energy invested in our kids , especially our kids on the ASD spectrum . And I 'm sure that anyone reading this , myself included , would do / buy / give anything to gain a cure for their child . I also believe that many parents out there have put aside their own hobbies , interests , and even dreams , in order to provide a better life for their " baby . " Enter Melanie Roach . Here 's the story of an Olympic athlete who will be competing this summer in Beijing , who is also a mom to 3 kids - one who has autism . There 's no doubt who I 'll be rooting for ! Take a few minutes to watch this heartwarming ( and powerful ) story . ( http : / / video . on . nytimes . com / ? fr _ story = FRdamp271826 ) Then get ready to take on the world ! Thanks to my friend and colleague , Dru Bloomfield , for sending me this story . ( Dru has more drive and energy than most of us - I 'm a little bit surprised she 's never shown me a gold medal of her own ! ) Another year , and another Disneyland vacation is in the books . This is one of those trips we really look forward to each year . The boys both LOVE it , and seeing them smile for 2 or 3 days straight is a joy . It 's also fun to watch them grow , both physically and emotionally , from year to year . Rides that were too scary last year are lots of fun now , and rides that they could only dream about last year ( due to height requirements ) are fair game today . This is also the hardest - working , most nerve - racking thing we do each year . From the minute we wake up , we 're " on " . High energy , eyeballs on the kids at all times , constant communication out of fear that each of us will think the other is " on duty " . Not to mention walking , and then pushing a dual stroller , for miles . Eventually we get back to the hotel , get the kids ready for bed , and pass out . Only to do it again the next day on even less sleep ! This was Calvin 's best trip ever , and by a large margin . What a difference a year makes ! He was able to keep his body under control enough to stay with us , without physical contact , more than half the time . We were still hyper - aware of where he was , but we didn 't need to have a death - grip on his hand . We 're constantly looking for progress , and I 've written a few times about new things Calvin has done , but a lot of it gets lost in life 's daily grind . Sometimes it takes an experience which is easily comparable to a similar experience from an earlier time to see just how far he 's come . . Summer 's here ( it 's going to be 108 today in Phoenix , which counts as summer in my book ! ) , which means it 's about time for summer wardrobe , including shoes . I don 't know about your area , but around here I can 't go out to the mailbox without seeing kids wearing Crocs shoes . Our boys have a couple pairs each , so we 're part of the phenomenon . . Last summer we bought jibbitz for the boys - the little shoe - jewelry pieces that kids can use to customize their Crocs . They each picked out the ones they wanted , and we also ordered an autism awareness ribbon jibbit online . This year we might have to order a couple more . . . If you 're fairly early in your journey into autism , this is a very important post . If you 've been at this for awhile now , you still might find a few good ideas , but it 'll take some effort to pull off a change ! This month marks the 7 - year anniversary of Calvin 's first home ABA program . That means we 've been gathering paperwork from doctors , schools , therapists , the internet , etc . etc . for 7 years . And we 've been making our own notes and journals as well , just trying to help make sense of what 's going on at any given time . ( why is he sleeping better , or worse ? why did his bowel movements change ? etc . - you know what I 'm talking about . . ) Well , here 's what our filing cabinet looks like today . ( yes , it 's a mess ! ) I could tell you the 8 schools Calvin has attended so far , and the dates he was at each one of them , but you 'll need to give me a couple of hours to dig through everything first . What was the med trial we did when he was 4 or 5 that had horrible side effects ? I 'll need more time to find that answer , too . You see , at the time things are happening , they seem so easy to remember . But a few years and a couple thousand pieces of paper later the details get fuzzy . If I was starting down this road today , here 's what I would do differently . . Keep track of key events in a digital format ( on your computer ) in a highly flexible format with dynamic search capabilities . Here are some ideas , depending on your level of tech - savvy . Create a personal blog . You can visit www . blogger . com and build a personal blog in less than 5 minutes , and it 's free . You can easily checkmark ( or uncheck ) boxes so that the blog is not available to search engines , and can only be read by those you give permission to . This makes it a private blog , not available to the public . ( although I would still avoid writing personal info like SSN , DOB , etc . ) You can create categories to assign to each post ( you can even assign multiple categories to a post . ) I would create categories for : ABA , Fidget Items ( or Stims ) , Hab , Homeopathy , Horses , Illness , MedicatioPosted by Arizona 's Instrument to Measure Standards ( AIMS Test ) is a standardized test that all Arizona students must take , and pass , before graduation . The test is adjusted for each grade level , and the results are reported publicly in statistical analysis format - rankings are available to view by school , by district , by race , by sex , by grade , etc . Calvin recently finished his first ever attempt at the AIMS test , and we as parents couldn 't be more proud of him - for so many reasons . . He took the same test as every other 3rd grader in the state . The only modifications were in how the questions were presented to him ( one at a time ) , and he was able to indicate his answers using letter cards , rather than darkening in a circle with a # 2 pencil . ( his proctor then darkened in the appropriate circle for him ) . He completed the entire test . Every section . And for the most part did not require the allotted amount of time . He did not have any coaching or verbal cues regarding the questions . Each question was simply laid in front of him for him to read on his own , and he could select his answer whenever he was ready . He asked a couple of times to go back and change a prior answer ( and each time corrected an incorrect answer . ) I don 't think we 'll ever get to see his individual results , and his teachers aren 't allowed to give us any specific information . But we 've heard " unofficially " that he did an outstanding job ( probably better than most of the typical 3rd graders out there . ) Considering this is the first year he 's ever been in an " academic " environment , and considering it was just a couple of years ago when we were told , in an IEP , that he didn 't know more than 15 words * receptively * - this was a big accomplishment . For Calvin , his teachers , his therapists ( and previous therapists ) , and for Cheryl and me - this was really satisfying news . Great job , buddy . I 'm so proud of you . When we first mention to somebody that Calvin gets Music Therapy , they almost always assume it 's a bunch of kids sitting around in a circle and singing songs together , as if they 're thinking " oh , the autistic boy likes to sing songs - how nice . " On one hand it makes me a little bit angry , because nothing could be further from the truth . Neurologic Music Therapy can have a profound effect on people who have difficulty controlling their bodies , such as people with autism , cerebral palsy , and those suffering from the effects of a stroke . ( On the other hand , I can 't blame them , because I didn 't know anything about it before Calvin 's diagnosis . ) Over the years , Calvin 's NMT sessions became the most important hour of his week , and the people from the clinic were terrific with him . Cheryl & I began to get involved in any way we could , both with Neurologic Music Therapy Services of Arizona ( NMTSA ) and with Kris ' Camp , a summer camp which shares many of the same protocols as NMTSA . Last month Suzanne Oliver , the Executive Director of NMTSA , invited me to join her organization 's Board of Directors . It 's one of the biggest compliments I 've ever received . ( it 's also one of the most nerve - racking - I hope I don 't goof it up ! ) Now I get a chance to give back even more to the one person , outside of our family , who has given , and continues to give , the most to Calvin . I strongly recommend you check out NMTSA if you live in Arizona , and to look into NMT services in your own state if you live elsewhere . Something happened this weekend that was so great , so exciting , so unfathomable not too long ago , that I had to share . . . You see , for most of his life , Calvin 's been a " bolter . " When he was younger he pegged the needle on the ADHD sliding scale , and staying in one place was not something he could do . When you couple that with an irresistible urge to follow any given impulse with complete gusto and reckless abandon , you get a bolter . We 've chased Calving through shopping malls , grocery stores , parks , doctors offices , Target ( on too many occasions ) , and even a parking lot ( only once - but that 's because we 're paranoid about it ! ) Over the last couple of years Calvin has gained better control over his body , and he 's become more of a wanderer than a bolter , but we are still very aware of our surroundings at all time . Yesterday Calvin & I went to Home Depot to buy a few things . He drove the cart for me ( 80 % independently ) , helped me pay for our stuff , and drove the cart out to our car . We opened the back of the van to load our bags , when Calvin casually took a few steps away . There weren 't any cars around , so I gave him some leeway , although I was ready to sprint after him . He walked down the driver 's side of the van , around the front , and opened the passenger door . He climbed in , sat down , and closed the door behind him ! Then he looked back over his other shoulder to see me , and gave me a huge , proud - of - himself , smile . It was awesome - a highlight I 'll keep in my " best of " memories for a long time . . . Last week , in the first of 3 cases to go to trial , federal health officials concluded that childhood vaccines contributed to symptoms of autism in a 9 - year old Georgia girl ( as reported by the Atlanta Journal Constitution . ) The details from the court case are not yet completely available , but the result is . The U . S . Department of Health and Human Services has concluded that the family of Hannah Poling , of Athens , GA , is entitled to compensation from a federal vaccine injury fund . The amount of compensation is still being determined . Obviously , this is going to add fuel to the vaccination debate fire . It 's going to get even hotter when we look at the week 's events in total . Let 's take a look at how the week unfolded . 1 . Senator , and Republican front - runner for the presidential nomination , John McCain was quoted as saying " there 's strong evidence " that thimerosal is responsible for the increased number of diagnoses . This brings up a wave of federal spin following Senator McCain 's comments . 2 . The Center for Disease Control and Prevention , the American Academy of Pediatrics , the American Medical Association , the Food and Drug Administration , and the Immunization Safety Review Committee all stated that no scientific evidence points to a link between the two . 3 . The associate director of the American Council on Science and Health expressed disappointment that McCain seemed to be poorly briefed on the issue . " I would hope that , as president , he would have advisers who would get it right . I attribute this to a misstep rather than policy . " 4 . The program director of the Arizona Partnership for Immunization says " . . . It doesn 't surprise me that someone would not completely understand what the science is indicating . " The group advises parents to discuss any vaccination concerns with their pediatricians ( and we already know what the American Academy of Pediatrics says . - emphasis mine . ) 5 . The U . S . Department of Health and Human Services concluded that a family is entitled to compensation due to a vaccine 's contribution to a girlPosted by Ah , Springtime . It is absolutely beautiful out right now - warm enough to bask in the sun during the day , but it still cools off nicely at night . It 's the perfect time to get outside and . . . Pull Some Weeds ! I don 't know about you , but our yard 's a mess right now . All the nice rain we had this winter set up perfect conditions for weeds to grow like crazy - especially in the desert - landscaping sections ! I started to pull weeds , using my hands & / or a hoe , but they overwhelmed me after awhile , so I reached for the spray . I hate spraying RoundUp or other herbicides , since Calvin is so sensitive to chemicals . Not to mention Jonas is still only 3 ( for a few more weeks , anyway ) and plays back there every day - he 's awfully young to be exposed to harmful chemicals . Last week , on the advice of a friend , I sprayed a section of weeds with White Vinegar . Plain ole , store - brand , $ 2 . 99 per gallon , white vinegar . And it worked great ! Maybe not quite as fast as RoundUp , but a week later you couldn 't tell the difference ; the weeds are dead . This week I 'll spray vinegar on the rest of the weeds . I haven 't tried using vinegar on weeds growing in the grass , as I 'm afraid it will kill the grass , too . Maybe I 'll dilute it and try it on a small area . . ? I 've used Weed B Gone ( another herbicide ) the last couple of years . It works great , but I 'd much rather have a natural , non - toxic remedy . If anyone out there has any ideas , please share . Saturday night 's Wine & Cheese Event capped off one of the craziest weeks we 've had in a long time , and the results were worth the effort ! Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves , and the event went off without a hitch . ( well , except a slight technical glitch . . darn Macs . ) I saw a lot of great things during the night , but there were a few things I was most happy with : Success . We ended up just short of our goal , but our goal was set high . This event raised a record amount for Kris ' Camp - yea ! And that was without a handful of notable people friendly to our cause , who couldn 't attend for one reason or another . Next year . After moving to a new venue last year , and then implementing some new behind - the - scenes changes for this year , we 've set the stage to do even better next year . I 'm confident we 're going to beat this year 's numbers by a long shot next year . Raffle Winner . Watching the drawing for the winner of the Plasma HDTV raffle was the highlight of the event . The winner is a special needs teacher and reading specialist , who works at Kris ' Camp during her summer " vacation " . She is one of the most energetic and engaging people you 'll ever meet , and our kids love her without exception . I think the whole room was rooting for her to win ( as a second choice anyway , if they didn 't win ! ) , and was genuinely happy to see her accept the prize . Here 's a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who participated & / or attended . We really appreciate your support ! Here 's a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to everyone involved in putting this together - you all did a great job and made this a great event ! We 'll see you at Kris ' Camp this summer , and then we 'll do it all again next year ! ; - ) I just saw the most powerful video I 've seen in a long time . Amanda Baggs is 27 - years old . She is autistic , and is non - verbal . She performs many of the odd , repetitive tasks that we 've all grown accustomed to . And she needs help with simple daily tasks ( cooking , cleaning , etc ) . But Amanda Baggs is NOT unintelligent . Armed with a Dynavox , a Dell Computer ( she types 120 words per minute ) , and a Sony digital camera that can record video , she shot , edited , and uploaded this amazing video . 8 : 36 video . The first 3 minutes or so show Amanda and some of her " stims " . The remaining 5 minutes show her discussing what she 's doing and why . I saw this video on an article at wired . com . The article talks about the video , and Amanda , in much greater detail . I read an article this morning from Dr . Ann Milanese , director of Developmental Pediatrics at the Connecticut Children 's Medical Center in Hartford , who highlighted some great points with regard to how therapy can be more effective . 1 . Children are children first , and they have symptoms of autism second . Think about that for a minute . We push Calvin to work as hard as he can , and he 's made great progress over the years . But we also realize that some of his progress has probably come from simply growing up ; all kids can do more at 8 than they could at 4 , right ? Also , just because a kid has autism doesn 't mean he / she doesn 't have fun - kids like having fun , and fun means different things to different kids . 2 . Autism is a spectrum disorder with a good deal of variability in the way the symptoms express themselves . I 'm sure most of you already know this . . . Duh . But I think this point is still lost on the public at large . Autistic kids have different strengths and weaknesses , and are all unique individuals , just like typical kids . There isn 't a one size fits all description available . 3 . Therapy is more likely to be successful if it 's fun . I think Dr . Milanese 's point is that , while you need to work to develop weaknesses , no kid is going to prosper if they 're not having fun . We used therapy , especially in Calvin 's early days of strict ABA - style , to hammer on his weaknesses . Basically , here 's the program - now let 's work our way through it ( using rewards / motivators and breaks when necessary . ) Calvin made a lot of progress under this program , but it 's true that his most successful times were when we could figure out how to incorporate something he enjoys into the process of working on something he didn 't . Even today , we try to mix hard work with play . Whenever we get greedy and demand a lot of hard work , all in succession , we 'll also see lots of avoidance behaviors . I don 't think that 's very different from anybody else , either . Our youngest , Jonas , doesn 't enjoy work for work 's sake . But if you get him playing an educationalPosted by This is a very serious question , and I think the answer lies in 2 different parts . 1 . What is there to gain ( or lose ) by testing ? If it will make a difference in the services available to your little one , it might be worth your while . 2 . How fair is the test ? If the test can be administered in a fair manner , then it might be worth considering . Our local school district wanted to test Calvin a few years ago , and we almost shouted NO ! in unison . First of all , their assessment of his abilities was the lowest of everyone he worked & / or played with . Secondly , there was nothing to gain by testing - it didn 't matter if he did really well , since they had already proven they couldn 't teach him . But if he did not score well , they would have the option of moving him into a lower - functioning class where he wouldn 't need to be " taught " . Thirdly , they couldn 't administer a fair test . They agreed that he had ( has ) apraxia and is non - verbal , yet they weren 't willing to make accommodations for the test . Everyone else who worked with Calvin ( ABA , Speech , OT , PT , NMT , and friends and family ) would attest that he knew everything that was being spoken to him . He just needed to communicate via alternative communication methods , such as PECS ( Picture Exchange Communication System ) , word cards , or Facilitated Touch . This is one of those questions that doesn 't have a right or wrong answer , per se . Just think about who wants the test , and why , and remember that the results will become part of your little one 's permanent record . . . A couple of weeks ago , on January 31st , ABC aired the pilot episode of Eli Stone - a fictional show featuring an attorney who helps a family fight ( and win ) a case against a pharmaceutical company , convincing the jury that a mercury - based preservative in a vaccine caused the child 's autism . Since that time , the war over vaccines has rekindled its flames . Many people in mainstream media and medicine dismiss the immunization link out of hand , as if anybody who still believes there 's a link in this day and age is either uneducated , anti - establishment , or a parent looking for someone to blame for their problems . Here 's an article published yesterday in the Great Falls Tribune ( Montana ) , written by the medical director of a medical center . It 's a very typical response from a medical director . Personally , I don 't buy Mr . Mainstream 's position . There are too many factors in play which lay seeds of doubt . . Money . The amount of money at stake is almost unfathomable . Not only hundreds of millions of dollars in revenues , but billions of dollars in potential liability . Any change to the status quo could be devastating . Politics . Big Pharma . Health Insurance . Physicians . The Center for Disease Control . Congress . Any change will have winners and losers , and nobody wants to lose , so they all lobby for the status quo . Not to mention the political gridlock . . Remember how hard it was just to get Casual Dress Friday approved at work ? Control . The CDC wants the general population to be immunized for major diseases - no doubt a good idea . The one time in everybody 's life when they are most likely to see a doctor at regularly scheduled intervals is when they are babies . The existing guidelines work very well in this regard . Perfect Effectiveness ? Everyday we read about misreported clinical trial results , or deadly side effects , or ineffective drugs . Yet we 're supposed to believe that giving an infant / toddler dozens of vaccines is 100 % safe , 100 % of the time , for 100 % of the children , with no possible side effects or connection to autismPosted by Every parent wonders what their children 's future is going to be like . Every parent of a special - needs child wonders about it even more , and often with angst . Well , here 's a story with a good ending . ( hat tip to Judith at Autismville for finding this . ) Randy Lewis , a senior executive at Walgreens , has a son with autism , and knows not only that his son is capable of more than most people give him credit for , but that he will have a very hard time finding opportunities to prove it . Randy was able to use his position to tear down barriers , and to give people a chance to do some real work . Click below to watch this 3 : 13 video . ( link will open ABC News site . ) Good on Randy , and good on Walgreens . That 's a company doing the right thing . Last fall Cheryl & I made a resolution to find ways to conserve energy around the house ; our goal was a 10 % reduction in usage , and if we could combine that with some time - shifting , a 20 % reduction in our electricity bill . One of the first things we did was to change the highest - use light bulbs to Compact Flourescent Bulbs . I was nervous about this at first , because I remembered fluorescent bulbs from 20 years ago being noisy and having a weird glow . But that 's not the case anymore ; I actually like the CFL lighting better than our regular bulbs . Now we have other concerns - these bulbs contain mercury . . What do we do if a CFL light bulb breaks ? And , how do we dispose of them when they burn out without filling the landfills with mercury ? I normally don 't write about the same topic on two different blogs , but today I discussed these 2 questions in detail on my real estate blog , and rather than repeating everything , I thought I 'd link to it here . Does the apple fall far from the tree ? I recently read an article on nytimes . com which talked about families using a child 's ASD diagnosis to make sense of family traits - idiosyncrasies the parents or grandparents had or have . I think every family does this to some extent , even families without any diagnoses . " He 's independent , like his mother , " or " She 's very social , just like her dad . " But it 's probably done in more detail with families dealing with ASD , partly because we 're looking so hard for answers , and partly because we 've been trained to analyze behaviors . Personally , I didn 't know anything about varying degrees of sensitivity , until Sensory Integration was part of Calvin 's OT diet . Now it 's easier to explain why Cheryl likes deep - pressure massages , and doesn 't seem to mind if her socks are bunched up , yet I can 't stand massages at all , and get annoyed when my clothes twist or bunch . It turns out that Cheryl & I are both " normal " , but she falls near the Hypo end of the spectrum and I 'm closer to the Hyper end . And now that we have 2 kids , it 's obvious to see that both of them border on the edge of normal - Calvin used to be Hypo - sensitive but has made great progress , and Jonas can get upset over something seemingly very small , not quite hyper - sensitive , but close . It 's interesting to think about . Life can be a grind sometimes , and it 's easy to get stuck in the day - to - day minutiae . This can be even more true for families with kids on the autism spectrum - sometimes just getting through a day is all you can hope for ! It 's those days in particular when I like to take a step back and look at the bigger picture of how much progress Calvin has made . When you get caught up in the mindset of looking at each day as a success or failure , the failures can outweigh the successes , and it can drive you crazy . " He had a good day today . He had a bad day today - meltdown . He had an ok day . He had a bad day - wouldn 't work . He had a good day . He had a bad day - no sleep . " Etc . Etc . It becomes very hard to see any progress , and the bad days can wear you out . As time passes , you might find that he has more good days in a row before a bad day , or that the bad days aren 't quite as bad as they used to be . But if you 're still looking at daily results , you might not see it . You 'll be too stressed out from yesterday 's bad day , fretting over when it 's going to happen again . It 's when you can take a step back and look at the bigger picture that you really see the positive results of all your ( and your child 's ) hard work . How is he doing today compared with 3 - 6 months ago ? How about compared with a year ago ? Pull out your pictures from last year ( or your video or journal ) to remind yourself of what the struggles were . You 'll probably find that today 's bad days are better than yester - year 's good days . And today 's good days were unimaginable - a dream - not too long ago . Looking at a two - year block of time , with lots of peaks and valleys , and where each month 's " relative happiness " seems indistinguishable from the previous month 's . But when looked at from a distance , the increase is tremendous . Keeping things in perspective is something that I find helps a great deal . I know a lot of people who like to complain about Starbucks ( or any big company ) taking over the world , but I also know a lot of people who drink Starbucks coffee ! A couple of days ago our friend paused to read " The Way I See It " quoted on her cup , and was pleasantly surprised to see they were quoting Bob Wright ( former CEO of NBC ) promoting autism awareness and early intervention . The Way I See It # 264 : Every 20 mintues - less time than it will take you to drink your coffee - another child is diagnosed with autism . It 's much more common than people think , with one out of every 150 children diagnosed . Learn the early warning signs of autism , and if you 're concerned about your child 's development , talk to your doctor . Early intervention could make a big difference in your child 's future . We talk about awareness a lot , and as much as we like to think that every individual counts - some people count more than others . People with high profile lives or influential positions have the ability to generate more awareness than the average person or family . Bob Wright probably didn 't know much about autism before his grandchild was diagnosed ( just my guess ) , but shortly thereafter we saw Autism Awareness Week on NBC ! Then he founded Autism Speaks ( www . autismspeaks . org ) , which has become one of the major players in the autism world and funds millions of dollars worth of research and other charities . It 's nice to see support where you didn 't expect it , so Kudos to Starbucks . Could they do more ? Of course - we all could . But they 're doing something , and not every company out there can say that . The trouble with Hab ( habilitation ) workers is that once you have a good one , you get spoiled . And your expectations get raised for everyone else . The difference between a good Hab worker and an average one is enormous . A good one becomes part of your team ; an indispensible member of your family . Somebody whom you trust , respect , and rely on . Someone you invite to birthday parties and family outings . We 've even known friends who invite their hab workers to vacation with them ! And the whole time , you know your little one is getting productive use of every minute he spends with them . We 've found average hab workers to be a huge drain on our resources . They work OK with Calvin , but they don 't get the most out of him . They 're generally reliable , but they might show up late or call in sick a little too often . We feel like they 're important , but then we can 't quite depend on them and end up looking over their shoulder half the time . Eventually we 'll realize that they 've become more stressful than they 're worth . What about a bad hab worker , you ask ? Those are easy - you can figure it out pretty quickly and get them out the door ! We 've got 2 pretty strong hab workers right now , but they 're both going to be transitioning to bigger and better things before too long ( ie : graduating OT school and moving away . ) So we 've started looking for somebody new to step in and start learning the ropes . . . We just had an interview with a candidate from a new provider agency ( new to us , anyway ) . The girl we had spoken with at the agency was great , so we were hoping for good things . Unfortunately , not this time . . He showed up to the interview dressed like he was ready to hit the clubs - fancy shirt , boots , hat , chains . His background was in juvenile delinquents , not special needs . When Calvin came over to check him out , he didn 't know what to do - it was like a deer in headlights . Well , at least it was an easy decision . . . Earlier this month , the American Journal of Human Genetics published findings that the results of a previous study were duplicated not just once , but 3 times - in 3 different locations by 3 different research teams . Researches from Yale University , UCLA , and Johns Hopkins University have all validated the previous study linking a specific gene to autistic behaviors . Dr . Dietrich Stephan , Director of the Neurogenomics Division at TGen ( Translational Genomics Research Institute ) : " Autism is a perplexing disease whose cause remains unexplained . It has long been suggested that environmental factors , linked with genetics , play a role in causing the disorder . As recently as last week , researchers in California published a study that found no proof linking autism with a mercury - based preservative found in childhood vaccines . While there are no clear - cut answers , researchers are one step closer to understanding autism 's genetic cause . " What does this mean for the future ? It 's too early to tell for sure . TGen is currently collaborating with SARRC to apply these findings in children in Arizona who have been diagnosed with autism . Who knows how much further research will take us ? Maybe someday they 'll be able to : Screen for this particular gene , giving parents - to - be earlier warning . ( or giving broken - gene carriers other options entirely ) Discover what is causing the gene to malfunction . Learn how to repair a broken gene . ( maybe grafting from a healthy gene , or from a parent 's or sibling 's gene . ) Develop or recommend a supplement which makes the broken gene function more normally . I 'm dreaming about the possibilities for the future . . . Posted by One of the things I find challenging as a parent is discovering things we can do together , as a family , where everyone gets a full enjoyment out of the activity . Some of the things that Calvin loves to do are quite boring to Jonas , and vice versa . Sometimes we have an activity that both kids will participate in , but at different levels - such as sports . Jonas wants to play the games as fast as possible ( Calvin doesn 't process all the variables fast enough to keep up ) , while Calvin likes to slow the game down enough to participate ( Jonas gets bored . ) It 's not easy , but we keep trying . Hiking , on the other hand , has become a great activity for us . And since there are lots of trails in and around Phoenix , we have plenty of opportunities to hike and explore . Jonas wants to hike fast , and wants to be the leader . Calvin doesn 't care about who leads . But after a few minutes , Jonas ' little legs get tired , and we all get to hike together . On the way down it 's a different story entirely - Calvin rolls downhill like a bowling ball ( I have to keep up to make sure he doesn 't get out of control . ) , and Jonas is much more cautious as he works his way down the trail . It 's great to have something that we can do as a family , and it 's great to have something where Calvin gets to " win " ! Pictures taken over Christmas break at Squaw Peak ( Piestewa Peak ) Recreation Area in Phoenix , Arizona . The flu - bug hit our house last week , and the kids mixed in a little Strep Throat for good measure . Somehow I avoided it ( knock on wood ) , but Cheryl & the kids looked and felt like death warmed over . It was not a fun place to be . By Saturday Calvin felt a lot better , and by Sunday he was not only back to full speed , but had " cabin fever " and did not want to sit around the house anymore . We could go for a walk , we could play in the backyard , we could go shopping - all the usual choices . But I wanted to do something different . We decided to go take a walk around ASU West ( Arizona State University , West Campus ) . What a great idea this turned out to be ! We had the whole campus to ourselves , since it was Sunday and there were few students around . Tons of wide open spaces , stairs , hills , fountains , corridors , grass fields . We were able to burn off a lot of energy , which was good for both of us ! I 'm not suggesting that a college campus become your primary playground , but if you have a little one who likes to bolt in public places , or who sometimes just can 't get enough running and bouncing . . . This was a safe and effective place to do it . We had a great time playing and exploring together . The Associated Press is reporting the FDA has issued a warning for over the counter medications for children . It 's been in discussion for a few months , but the FDA has now made it official . They are warning against giving over the counter medications to children under the age of 2 , citing " serious and potentially life - threatening side effects can occur " . Even more interesting , though , is that they may widen the warning to include children under the age of 6 , and possibly even children under the age of 12 . I know we 've come across more than our fare share of side effects , both with over the counter and prescription medicines . It seems like Calvin 's system is just more sensitive and responds to much smaller than recommended doses . This is also true for many kids on the autism spectrum . Maybe this is yet another realization that some of the things science creates to make our lives better may come with unintended consequences . . Everybody who comes over to our house makes a wise crack about Fort Knox . Even our family members have something to say . And why shouldn 't they ? After all , we 've got multiple chains and locks on every door , pantry , closet , and refrigerator in site ( not to mention a security system to monitor open doors ) ! We generally give the same response - " it 's better to be safe than sorry . " On Christmas Eve this year , we almost had a get - away , and I think it finally sunk in . My brother - in - law went outside to get something from the car . He was back in less than 60 seconds . But as he approached the door , something caught his eye ; Calvin had followed him out and was hanging out in the neighbor 's yard ! Yes , it can happen that fast . And we 've found large group gatherings tend to be the most likely times for someone to let their guard down , as if everyone assumes someone else has a visual on Calvin , and before you know it , no one does . If your house needs to be Fort Knox for your little angel 's safety , make it Fort Knox - and don 't give a care in the world about what anyone else has to say !

Happy New Year , everyone ! With the start of the new year comes new goals . . . I 've thought off and on about this all year , even going as far as to keep a running list of ideas that would pop into my head on my iPhone . Yep , I 'm a bit of a geek like that . Ha ! As I looked at my list this past week , I narrowed it down to a handful of goals that I 've been thinking about for a long time . I was going to whittle the list down to a very meaningful five , but at the last minute added one more item because . . . well , you 'll see . I 've finally decided to take the dive ( OK , I couldn 't resist ) and take swimming lessons ! I never learned as a child and have always regretted it because how the heck am I supposed to do a triathlon if I can 't swim ? ! Yep . . . I would love to do a triathlon one day . . . I can run and I know how to ride a bike even though I haven 't done it in years . . . but swimming is the one discipline that eludes me . I 've signed up for adult lessons starting January 15th at the local rec centre not very far from me , which is awesome . Am I scared ? You bet . . . but it 's better to try than to not try at all , right ? If I can run 42 . 2 kilometres , I can definitely squeeze myself into a bathing suit in public . This one was inspired by my step father in law , who unfortunately passed away earlier this year . He had a heart attack one night while out for dinner . . . and for some reason it took ages for the ambulance to come . While they were waiting , no one performed CPR on him because no one knew how . Now it may have been that he couldn 't have been saved even if CPR had been done but I would hate to be in a similar situation and stand by helplessly when I could have done something . 3 . Volunteer for a Food Related Cause I know . . . such a cliché , right ? But every time I go to the dentist , my hygienist Dave ( who is awesome ) always implores me to floss regularly . . . I 've been blessed to have good teeth and he compliments me on how great my brushing is , but the flossing . . . not so much . This last time I kind of realized . . . I take good care of my body and my health by eating well and exercising but then I slough off on flossing when it 's no big deal and takes mere minutes . I 've been flossing like a rock star in the past three months and want to knock his socks off the next time I see him . What are these , you ask ? Well last year , my friend A started a gratitude jar where she wrote little notes of things she was grateful for throughout the year and then voila ! At the end of the year you have a Jar of Awesomeness . I promptly forgot about this when planning my goals until I saw a Facebook post by Michele , the owner of my bootcamp , where she started a jar where she was going to put in one dollar for every workout she did . Inspired by both these ideas , I 'm starting my own Jars of Awesomeness this year . It 's so easy to forget all the small moments or things that happen throughout the year , so what better way to write little notes to yourself . And what better way to have a little shopping spree fueled by your own hard work ? My bootcamp buddy D is also joining me in this endeavour . . . looking forward to seeing what the year brings . Heya folks ! Soooo . . . I didn 't exactly mean to take a five week hiatus from blogging , but oops . The last little while has been nuts . . . we headed off to Maui at the end of November so we were busy getting ready for the trip and the impending holiday season . . . we wanted to hit the ground running when we got back and we definitely have been going full steam ahead since returning ! Work has been busy and there 's been so many dinners and such to go to . . . thankfully we 've been keeping up our workouts and squeezing them in wherever and whenever we can . A sanity saver for sure ! Anyways , hope everyone had a lovely Christmas . . . ours was full of copious amounts of food and lots of family , so am now decompressing and getting ready for the new year . right shoulder problem and get back at the chin up goal . I 'm so thankful that I was invited to join the ladies at PISE because it introduced me to one of my new loves strength training , and it 's absolutely something I 'd like to continue on with and do more work on . 3 . Eat Mindfully amazed when we felt good on a run . My taste buds have totally changed . . . I don 't like super sweet things , crave healthy food ( am extremely sick of eating out during the holiday season ) and am really starting to get turned off salt . Another Today Hubs and I went for a really nice Fall run around the hood ( full 10K and no pain or niggles ! ) before we headed out to the annual Remembrance Day ceremonies that take place not too far from our place . Remembrance Day is something that we always celebrate , no matter what the weather . . . there 's been times where it 's been pouring rain but we always , always attend because it 's the very least that we can do to honour our veterans . . . because of them , we have the freedom to do the things we love , like going for today 's run . Standing in the rain for a half an hour is nothing compared to what these people have endured . The thing that I really noticed this year that I thought was totally cool was that there were quite a few younger people in the crowd , paying their respects . . . and it wasn 't like they were there with their parents so had to go , but they were groups of young teens that were going on their own accord . All I have to say is . . . someone done taught their kids right ! First full 10K that I 've run in months and man , did it feel great when we were done . I 've really made sure that I 've resumed distances slowly and while sometimes it was frustrating to hold myself back from running further when I was feeling good , I 'm glad I did . Nothing like being injured to make you appreciate being healthy ! Lots of running and hills in this class , so I was a little bit tired and draggy after having run the day before . I ended up getting paired up with a lady who 's very fast and pushes the pace , so by the time we were heading back to our cars I almost yelled " uncle ! ! " and had to stop and walk for a bit . I could feel my hamstring getting a bit tight so thought better safe than sorry . Tuesday : rest Finally decided that I was OK to attend a Jason class . Not gonna lie , I was feeling a bit scared because I haven 't been to his class in forever , and he is one kick ass instructor . I definitely wasn 't disappointed . . . after a brief warm up , he had us line up on a field where we had one minute to do two sets of exercises and then sprint to where he was standing and back . . . all this fifteen times . After this I was already gassed , but he took us over to the neighbouring stadium and had us do five sets of stairs while our partner did an exercise like pushups or tricep dips . . . lather , rinse , repeat five times . Thinking we were done , I was ready to crawl back to the car but nope . . . out we went to run hills backwards and forwards . I was done like dinner after but felt great . So the class I 've been dreading for weeks , but super excited about was Thursday night . After silently freaking out all day , I drove myself to class and sat in the car to gather my nerves before I went in . . . as I waited for my doom , a friend was texting me and making me laugh which totally helped ( thanks G ! ) . Turns out the class was really small , with only two other guys and me . . . the advanced class is run at the same time , so the instructor went back and forth between the two groups as we practiced . We started off the class by doing a basic squat , and then moved up to doing a front barbell squat . Now keep in mind these guys were both well over six feet tall , so I had to have a bar set up for my five foot and change self , otherwise I couldn 't load the bar properly . The front squat is a fairly basic lift but dang , it was hard ! So many things to remember as far as body positioning before we even start the squat portion of the program . It was awesome because the two guys that are in the class with me are a good mix . . . one is quieter and I think newer to any kind of strength work , and the other guy seemed to have a bit of experience and was more chatty so was pretty good with providing feedback . After we worked on the front squat , we worked on the deadlift , which was one of the lifts I 've been dying to learn how to do . Again . . . I 've done deadlifts with the trap bar , but the instructor really broke it down and I realized I was doing a few things incorrectly before , like not really setting my body before I started the lift . It was totally awesome because after I did my deadlifts , the instructor nodded approvingly and asked if I 'd lifted before ! That totally made my night . So yep . . . it was all fine and I 'm totally glad that I signed up for it , and even though I was super scared to go to class . Signing up for this class totally made me realize how much my strength has declined since the summer when I was taking classes at PISE because man , was I ever sore ! Using muscles I haven 't in a long time . Friday : 20 minute treadmill runYep . Legs were feeling super tight / sore and I was feeling tired after ramping up the workouts this week , so I didn 't go to bootcamp in the morning ( D was in the same boat so we tag team played hooky ) and decided to do a very , very slow treadmill run and rollered the soreness out of my legs . Upper body was sore too , and I think the combo of Wednesday 's Jason style thumping and Thursdays class , my shoulder was bugging me again . Staying off it and taking it easy this week ! Saturday : bike intervals Hubs and I were busy and couldn 't do our run Saturday , so I did bike intervals while he did a circuit . I definitely have a love / hate relationship with intervals . . . love how I feel after and love the results but hate the during . FOOD : Food was pretty good this week . . . no more Halloween candy binges ! The next week and a half is going to be interesting . . . Hubs is going to take the same test that I did a few years ago to look at food sensitivities . . . his skin has been really bothering him and has been so red , itchy and inflamed . Part of the test involves eating as many foods as possible on a list of 96 items , so it 's been a test of my mad culinary skillz to come up with recipes that incorporate as many of the foods as possible . Look for future posts on results of Hubs ' testing . All Canadian Seafood Chowder from Canada 's Best Recipes and the Lazy Margherita Pizza from Smitten Kitchen . Just going to put in a glowing review for the pizza recipe . . . if you 've been looking for the easiest and best tasting homemade margherita pizza ever , make this recipe . It is the best , I kid you not . I made the crust with half whole wheat and it was still amazing . . . and the best thing is that it was crazy easy with no proofing of the yeast , no double rising , no kneading and no rolling . I will never buy a store bought crust again . So like . . . remember a while ago when I wrote this post about the Olympic weightlifting class I was taking at PISE , and I was all woohoo , I 'm so excited and stuff ? All I have to say is I 'm seriously crapping myself now . Getting sooooo nervous for the first class on Thursday night . . . I 'm taking this class by myself and I have no idea what to expect . Will it be full of super fit people and then me ? Will I drop the barbell on my head ? I know it sounds weird but I have horrible gym anxiety . . . you 'd think with the amount of working out that I do that I 'd feel right at home in a gym environment , but it 's in situations like this where all the feelings of physical ineptness as a kid comes out and I freak out . I 'm sure I 'll be fine ( it always is ! ) and I 'll probably just love the classes . . . but this is really coming out of my comfort zone . This blog is about documenting my journeys through life and right now I 'm documenting that I am totally and completely shitting myself . Finally . . . after four months of physio appointments and setbacks . . . I finished 10K today , yahooooooie ! It 's felt like forever since I strained my hammy / glute but am thrilled that I 'm able to get back at running . Everything felt pretty good out there today with only a teeny , tiny bit of tightness in my hammy . . . after an awful windy and rainy weekend , we woke up to a gorgeous , cold , clear day which is my absolute favourite kind of day to run . We had to head over to the big city on Saturday for the day and got home late , so I was extremely thankful that it was daylight savings so we got an extra hour worth of sleep . I 'd actually forgotten to change my clock , so when I got up to get ready , Hubs said " you know it 's only 6am , right ? ! " Woohooo , love that feeling of being able to go back to bed . Other good news . . . I was able to get back to doing three bootcamp classes this week ! I haven 't attempted a Jason class ( gulp ! ) yet and have had to scale some of the exercises , but feels good to be able to get all bootcamps in this week . So , so wonderful to be back at it . . . happy , happy sigh . No strength work this week besides what we did at bootcamp . Really want my right shoulder to feel better so will start up this week with some lighter strength and slowly ( key word here ! ) start lifting again . I 'm missing it and feeling my body turning into mush . Overall I was pretty good but had a few incidences of sugar fuelled insanity . I haven 't really eaten a lot of sugary stuff in a long time . . . sure , a couple of treats here and there but nothing too crazy . Well , this week there was one day at the office where I went nuts . We had some Halloween treats in the office and I 'd been pretty good but on Halloween I went totally off the rails . . . I must have been bored or something because I sat there and scarfed back six of those little chocolate bars and a package of rockets within ten minutes . . . gah ! I felt kind of jittery and extra edgy at a block party we had to go to after work , and once we finished I came inside and absolutely and completely crashed . . . my blood sugar must have just plummeted because I could barely keep my eyes open , I had a headache and basically lay on the couch with my eyes closed . Within about half an hour I felt better but man . . . definitely not going to do that again ! I think because we don 't eat a lot of sugar anymore , my body just went crazy . So speaking of sugar . . . we watched this really great piece they did called " The Secrets of Sugar " . Did you know the average Canadian eats 26 teaspoons of what I like to call white death ? I can see it . . . there 's so much added sugar in processed foods . I 'm so glad I was able to attend PISE 's grocery store tour because while I feel that I know a fair amount about nutrition , the dietician on the tour really opened my eyes to how much the nutritional information on food packaging really tells you . Anyways , if you 're interested in watching this clip on sugar , go here . RECIPES : Week 43 ? ! Wow . . . this year has whipped past . . . seems like yesterday I was doing my Week 1 recap and not really sure what 2013 would bring . It 's definitely been a growth and learning year for both Hubs and I . . . to continue on that front , next week I start my Olympic weightlifting class at PISE ! Egads , what have I gotten myself into ? ! Sounded like a good idea at the time when I signed up . I just hope and pray that I 'm not in a class with a bunch of buff young bucks and then me . . . little five foot middle aged pipsqueak . I 'm excited and terrified at the same time , but I 'm going to bite the bullet and just do it . Nothing ventured , nothing gained , right ? Wahooo ! I 'm getting closer and closer to 10K and I 'm SO excited . I felt a couple of twinges here and there but overall it was a great run . FOOD : A couple of little miscues here and there . . . Halloween treats have hit the office and I snarfled back a couple of boxes of Smarties lickety split . I 've also failed miserably at the Great Dairy Experiment of 2013 . . . I 've been craving yoghourt for weeks . Like as in every time I go to the grocery store , I look longingly at all the colourful yoghourt containers in the dairy aisle . . . not sure what mineral or whatever I 'm missing , but I 've been jonesing for it for ages . I finally gave in and bought a container of Greek yoghourt and pounded some back last night . Oy vey folks . . . my stomach today looks like I 'm five months pregnant and is as taut as a drum . It hurts to press down on it and it 's so bad my lulus are cutting into my stomach ! Ugh . . . I should just know better . RECIPES : Physio , progress , pecs , posture . . . as I sat in the physio 's office yesterday and let my mind wander as she stuck me full of needles , I realized yesterday was full of P words . Back for my monthly check in with my old physio girl . . . honestly , I know I say it overandoverandover again about how great she is , but I 'm going to say it again . . . she 's SO fabulous and I 'm so happy that I found her . I actually had a panicky thought last night about what would I ever do if she moved away or something . Must not think of such horrible thoughts , lest I crawl into the fetal position and hide under my desk . In my last post I was saying how much better I 'd been feeling and she was thrilled with how I was doing on the lower half of my body . I was standing better and more evenly on both legs . . . the first time I came to see her , I was actually almost standing solely on one leg I was so far shifted over to the left . She liked how my hip , hammy and glute were doing so that means the stretching , rollering and exercises I 've been doing are key and working . My upper body , however , was a whole different story . I was still feeling sore from Friday 's workout and woke up Tuesday morning with a stiff neck , so had her check me out and sure enough . . . my scapula and back were locked up and my whole torso was restricted in movement . I had done a lot of chest movements on Friday and because my back wasn 't helping stabilize me , my poor little wee pecs were doing all the work and . . . well , let 's just say they were a wee bit pissed off . It 's all very interesting because I had noticed recently that pushups were inordinately hard for me . . . I thought I was just losing fitness , but because I couldn 't activate my back muscles , I was relying solely on my chest to do all the work . Not good . My super fabulous physio girl worked on me diligently as I peppered her with questions . What was causing all the issues , what can I do to stop this from happening , how can I get better ? Stretching , different exercises ? ! It all came down to my posture . Yep , I admit it . . . I 'm a serial sloucher and have been for the better part of my life . The one awesome thing about working with weights is that I 've made huge progress in my back muscles and my posture has improved greatly . . . my physio said that my shoulder and back position now is good , but I 've got what is know as " forward head posture " . If you 're interested in seeing if you 've got forward head posture , check out this link . Basically , your shoulder blades and the back of your head should touch the wall when you 're standing . When my physio put me in the proper position , it felt so weird ! But when I checked out what I looked like in the mirror , it did look way better than the Hunchback of Notre Dame position I had before . She gave me homework to work on my head position and watch how I 'm seated at work ( I tend to schlump to the right when I sit ) and check back in a month , but not before she did a round of beloved needles all over my neck , traps and pecs . Not gonna lie , didn 't love it but I 've come to embrace the pain as a sign that I 'm getting better . Or at least that 's what I tell myself when I 'm writhing in pain . Heh . OK , back on track with the weekly posts ! I 'm feeling optimistic and ( knock on wood ) physically I 've been feeling better than I have in ages . Back in the summer , I was achy , sore and seemed to be facing injury after injury , niggle after niggle . . . every morning I would wake up feeling a million years old . The past while all the little issues I 've been dealing with seemed to have gotten better and I 'm feeling really , really good . . . I 've been a very diligent girl and have been stretching and rollering nightly , and have eased back into exercise so I don 't overdo things . I 'm finally feeling stronger and I think I 'm almost ready to attack a Jason bootcamp . Girding loins as we speak , folks . . . Jason is force to be reckoned with ! We were in Vancouver for a quick overnight trip . . . Hubs was volunteering at We Day at Rogers Arena , so I decided to tag along and " practice retirement " , as Hubs and I like to say . It was awesome . . . he had to head off very early in the morning , so I got up and had a lovely , long , leisurely workout at the hotel gym , which was fantastic . They had a full bench press set up , barbells and all ranges of dumbbells so I was in heaven . . . I ended up working out for over an hour and a half ! Seriously , am so in love with strength work . Bang on ! Oversnacking has been reigned in . One thing that I have added that I 've been finding has been making a huge difference in how I feel is a probiotic capsule every day . I 've cut out dairy so unfortunately can 't do yoghourt , but ever since I 've been taking a probiotic , my stomach has been feeling amazing . RECIPES : Race weekend events kicked off for us with a fundraiser on Friday night for a running group called Every Step Counts , a walking and running program designed for people experiencing challenges or barriers with housing , mental health , poverty , addiction and other related issues . I 'd heard about this group a few years ago and thought wow . . . I know what running has done for me and how it 's made a significant impact on my life , so I wanted to throw my full support behind this group . This was our first time attending this fundraiser and it was a great evening . Keynote speaker . . . OK , you probably can 't see clearly who it is , but it 's Dick Beardsley . . . yep , that Dick Beardsley of the 1982 Boston Marathon Duel in the Sun fame . He was an amazing speaker . . . after his famous run against Alberto Salazar , he had a series of unfortunate accidents and ended up becoming addicted to prescription drugs . Clean for years , his story was inspiring to everyone , but particularly for those in the group struggling with addictions . There was a live and silent auction at the event as well . . . what , I get to eat and shop ? ! My kind of fundraiser ! I ended up bidding on a Global knife and sharpener and some gift certificates to a restaurant . What can I say , I 'm a foodie . Saturday morning I headed down to the race expo to listen to some of the speakers and then trotted down to the finish line to start my first volunteer shift of the weekend . OK . . . just gonna say that I am super happy that I 've been working with weights because it was four hours of setting up fencing and signage . I made the mistake of doing some upper body strength work that morning , so needless to say , by the end of my shift I was one tired , sore and hungry girl . Sunday . . . the day I 've been waiting for all year ! I 've been so excited for this , and was so stoked when I headed down to the finish line that morning . As soon as I got to the medal area , I was put to work checking and sorting the medals . It was a beautiful , beautiful day and there were tons of spectators lining the finishers chute . After we sorted them , we had to hang them on the racks so we could load them onto the arms of the people who were handing them out . . . we were like a well oiled machine ! As we worked , I got to know some of the other volunteers and made some quick friends . medal me , baby ! After we finished hanging the medals up , I managed to squeeze into the line up to hand out medals . . . this was the moment that I 'd waited for all year ! Each finish line has its own meaning for every runner . . . all the sacrifice and everyone has their own story . I 'm sure no one will remember who it was who gave them their medal , but I was truly honoured to be able to be a teeny tiny part of their marathon experience . aren 't these gorgeous ? ! I 'm a bit of a runner groupie , so I stealthily snapped this picture of the half marathon winner , Hilary Stellingwerff . If her name sounds familiar , it should . . . she competed in the 1500m distance in the 2012 London Olympics and just barely missed qualifying for the final heat . I was a little awestruck . i 'm not worthy , i 'm not worthy It was a long day out there , but I didn 't feel tired in the slightest . . . I stood for almost six hours straight handing out medals , and I could not wipe the smile off my face even if I tried . I loved every millisecond of the day . . . I had so many big smiles , so many thank yous for volunteering , and I even got a few extremely sweaty hugs ! One fellow asked for a hug after I gave him his medal and warned that he was sweaty . . . I exclaimed " bring it on ! ! " and he enveloped me in a huge bear hug ! It was pretty funny , and got a good laugh from the crowd around us . Another memorable moment for me came when I was giving a woman her medal and she started to cry and we spontaneously hugged . . . I could feel how proud and emotional she was . . . like I said , each marathon is a journey and I was so happy that I could be a small part of hers . And so concludes the Year of Volunteering . All in all . . . this weekend was truly amazing . As I said , it was so fitting that it was Thanksgiving . I found myself getting verklempt throughout the day . . . last year at the race I was having one of the worst days of my life , and this year I was having one of the best . I had never considered volunteering before , and was so thankful that out of an unfortunate situation came something that I 've enjoyed so much . . . . I 'm a true believer of all things for a reason and I think I 'm hooked on volunteering for races now ! The other thing that became so apparent to me is how the race is such a community event . . . I love how running can bring so many people together from all walks of life . finish line , i 'll see you again next year ! Oy vey , the intervals were hard . I mean , they 're always hard but it took everything in me to keep going . The only word I can think to describe the workout was meh . Yup . . . now I know why I was feeling like such crap on Sunday . I was feeling bone achingly tired on Monday and really off on Tuesday , and had this weird scratchy throat for days . . . woke up Wednesday morning with an awful , awful headache and feeling achy all over . . . every time I stood up the area behind my eyes would just throb . No workout . Goal is to do as many rounds of this as possible in 45 minutes . Confession time . . . I only did two rounds because I was starving . It took me about 10 minutes per round and I was sweating bullets because it 's pretty intense , but I looooooved it . Will try and see if I can work may way up to 4 rounds in 45 minutes . Pretty good overall but I think I 've been feeling carb - y lately and have been indulging too much in healthy snacks . Yes , whole grain crackers and hummus is healthy , but stuffing myself on them isn 't the greatest . Also had a realization about how much sugar really affects me since we 've cut back a lot on the sweets we eat . On Friday I threw all caution to the wind and had a soy pumpkin spice latte ( with whip , people . . . egads ! ) . I rarely ever order coffee drinks like this because I don 't like drinking my calories , but I always have one per year because a friend and I used to go for these all the time , and when she moved away it became a ritual to email each other when we had our first one of the season . It was delicious , but later on that day my stomach puffed up like a balloon . . . I hadn 't experienced this in ages since we started to eat clean . . . I would regularly get bloated and puffy because we were indulging ourselves in either salty or sugary foods . I decided to look up the nutritional information and I was honestly shocked . . . Forty one grams of sugar ! ? ! WTF ? ! There 's four grams of sugar in one teaspoon , so in that one drink I had over TEN TEASPOONS OF SUGAR . No wonder I puffed up like a balloon . . . good thing I only have one of those per year . RECIPES : Sesame scented turkey meatballs with smashed chickpea salad , cauliflower pesto with linguine and a black bean ragout , all from the Smitten Kitchen cookbook . The black bean ragout didn 't turn out . . . for some reason there was a lot of water for the amount of beans , so by the time it would have taken to get rid of all the liquid , the beans would have been mush so I decided to turn it into soup , which is still delish . Gotta roll with the punches ! So it 's probably not much of a surprise , but I 'm a creature of habit . . . I like my routine , I like to know what 's going on , I like having a schedule . Last week I got thrown a bit of a wrench . . . looks like the morning bootcamps I 've been going to for the past five years are going to be cancelled for the winter . Not enough attendance and hard to find trainers to come out and teach at 5 : 30 a . m . While I totally and completely understand why the classes are being cancelled , I 'm the kind of person that reacts better to having someone tell me what to do . Tell me to run hill after hill ? I 'm there . Ask me to do 50 pushups ? Cool . Put me in a gym on my own ? I 'm a befuddled mess . So now that the PISE classes are no longer a go and morning bootcamp is out , I 'm kind of in limbo as far as what the winter workout routine will be . . . long runs on weekends will still be key but other than that . . . well I guess the world is my oyster ! And maybe this is an opportunity to try something new , right ? I 'm going to put this out there because . . . well , maybe if I put it out in the ether it might just happen . . . . but I 've been toying with the idea of trying crossfit . OK , there , I said it ! A lot of folks at PISE are into it and a lot of our workouts were crossfit - esque and I loooved it . . . anyways , maybe one day I 'll get up my nerve to enter a box and try it out . First bootcamp in almost three months ! Felt great to be back . . . we did some hills and a circuit , and overall I was pretty pleased that my cardio hadn 't suffered too much . Overall I felt pretty good but my hip felt a little achy afterwards . I had an appointment with my old physio , and she totally showed me some cool tricks to help keep my hip loose . As she was working on me , she felt that something was stopping me from activating my left glute . . . she says the glute muscle is there but it 's not firing for some reason and my movement is restricted . It was amazingly cool . . . she released some of the fascia in my stomach ( I do hold a lot of tension there ) and immediately I could move so much better and was able to activate my glutes ! I was actually stunned , it was crazy how much it helped . She seriously is amazing . Tuesday : rest Hurray ! Two bootcamps this week . Definitely took it easy and didn 't push hard . . . can 't believe how much I missed it , so a little bit sad that October will be the last month until likely some time in early 2014 . Saturday : 6K run outside Farthest I 've ran in months ! Glute felt great but Mr . Left Hammy was feeling a bit tight so I walked a bit at the end to make sure I didn 't overdo things . I was actually chuckling a bit on the run as I was thinking that two years ago , I was running 32K and not thinking that much of it . . . now I can barely do 6K . Darn injuries ! Back in the saddle ! I 've been cleared by new physio guy to start increasing my distances by half a kilometre each run until I 'm back at the usual distances that we do . I also got the green light to head back to bootcamp , so I 'm going tomorrow to an early morning class out at Esquimalt Lagoon . Will for sure take it super easy and let my body get used to things again . . . not gonna lie , it 's going to be hard to get up at 5am again , but do love starting off my day with a workout . The amazing thing I 've noticed is that ever since I 've been working with my old physio again , I 'm feeling less sore all over . I still have a couple of niggles I need to work on , but I used to absolutely ache all over , particularly my legs . I think getting my body in alignment and being super diligent with my stretching and rollering has been key . . . every night I spend at least half an hour with my best friends the foam roller , lacrosse ball and the rolling stick . Oh ! And some other exciting news . . . so I 've mentioned a few times that I 've been really enjoying working with weights , right ? Well , I decided to sign up for a beginner lifting class at PISE called Raise the Bar . . . Olympic Lifting is an extremely technical , demanding and rewarding form of strength training . Raise the Bar is your introduction to Olympic Lifting that starts with mastering 4 major lifts ( Front Squats , Deadlifts , Bent - Over Row and Overhead Press ) before transitioning into Olympic Lifting instruction . Working within a small group is essential for each participant to receive the personalized feedback required for safe progression through more advanced lifting techniques . Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! I 'm super excited , but admittedly , I 'm a little nervous . . . I signed up on my own , so won 't know anyone in class . . . but I think because it 's a small group , it will be fine . So why did I sign up for this ? I 've been wanting to do some barbell work for awhile because I actually have one at home that 's sitting at home begging me to use it . Every time I pick up the dumbbells , I swear it whimpers a bit and lets out a lonely sigh . . . sob . . . lift me , nice lady ? Never one to want to see good equipment go to waste , I jumped at the chance when I saw this class particularly because it goes through some fundamental lifts like the deadlift , which is a fantastic all around exercise that strengthens the whole body . . . I really want to make sure I learn the right technique to avoid injury and going to a small class with lots of personal instruction is perfect . Plus I really like PISE so want to continue to take some classes there and support the trainers and the great facility that they have there . Six sessions starting in November . . . the only bad part is that the class starts late at 8pm ( this is around the time that I 'm donning my pyjamas ) , but it 's sorta good because then there will be less people around to witness my pathetic lifting technique . Heh . Pretty good overall . I was on a bit of a slide back on my week of vacation , but I was on vacation , man ! Anyways , I strayed a bit that week but have been back on the clean eating train . I can 't believe it 's been six months since we changed how we ate and started to eat clean ! Man , time flies . . . I know , I say this over and over again , but it just blows my mind . Like seriously , it 's going to be Christmas soon . Gack . So yeah . . . it 's been six months since we 've changed how we ate and yep , we 're still following the plan . After seeing Hubs ' awesome results on his cholesterol levels , we are basically doing more of the same . . . cut way back on our meat and refined sugars , we eat tons of fish , veggies and fruits , whole grains and beans galore and cut way , way back on salt . . . I still , however , cannot get the man to drink water . Bah . What have we noticed six months in ? Well , a lot with Hubs . He doesn 't get the afternoon crazy drop off like he used to get after eating lunch , and he 's noticed a big difference in our runs and when he was playing hockey . He used to get easily gassed at hockey , but the first night he came home and said he felt fantastic and could keep up with the young bucks no problem . He was also getting these weird hives after his workouts , bad enough that he had to take antihistamines every time we 'd run but he stopped taking them soon after we changed our diet . With me , the biggest change has been the sodium . The hardest thing for me for sure , as I 'm a total salt fiend . . . honestly , the saltier the better . . . like I was the kind of girl that would stick my finger in the bag of Doritos so I could get all the salty seasoning at the bottom of the bag . This is crazy . . . but I actually find a lot of foods too salty now . I know ! This is crazy ! I actually kind of can 't believe that I used to eat some of the stuff I did and don 't know how I did it . I rarely season my food now , and cook with very little salt . . . I also buy all low sodium or no salt added foods . If I go to a restaurant to eat a meal , I 'm almost always dying of thirst after . Take today for instance . . . I went out at lunch to get a soup and sandwich and ordered a cream of cauliflower soup . As I tucked into my lunch , I thought man , this soup is salty . . . I actually didn 't really enjoy it but finished it off anyways ( there are starving kids in Africa you know ! ) and felt sick all afternoon and have been guzzling water constantly since then . Blah . Same thing happened a few weeks ago when I opened up a bag of those Quaker rice chips . . . I had a few and thought holy crap this is salty and actually ended up throwing them out . I actually don 't like how salty things make me feel now . So . . . if a diehard saltaholic like me can change , anyone can make a change for the better . Eating clean might seem hard at first , but it 's so worth it for your health and both Hubs and I are totally on the clean eating wagon . Yes . . . it 's way more fun to have a monster mud pie or a burger and fries . . . and it 's not like you can 't do that stuff occasionally . Hubs and I still eat out and have our one cheat meal a week ( not a full day of debaucherous eating like we did before ) and we 're still diehard foodies , but we 're finding that we actually crave healthy food now . The other benefit to eating clean is that I used to be an avid food logger and calorie counter . I 'm not against those things because they 're great tools for losing weight , but I 've found that if I concentrate on eating healthy foods most of the time ( we all need to live a little ! ) and incorporate strength training into my workouts , I 'm able to maintain a weight that I 'm comfortable at fairly easily after a lifetime of struggling with my weight . Yes , I 'm alive . I know , I know . . . it 's been almost three weeks since I 've posted anything but it 's been crazy busy , honestly ! We were on vaycay for a bit and then things haven 't really slowed down until now and I 'm finally getting some time to breathe . So what 's up , you ask ? Let 's see . . . let 's start with my broken ass problem . OK , I 'm going to tempt the exercise gods but I think . . . I think . . . that I 'm finally on track and I 'm on the mend . I 'd just been having so many issues with the butt and hamstring strains , but the thing that was really bugging me was the constant niggles and issues that were happening with my back and neck . My back had been doing so well for so long and then it seemed like all of a sudden the wheels fell off the bus . Anyways . . . I 've been back to see my " old " physio a few times . . . I really like my new guy but she just has so much more history with me ( I think I 've been seeing her for about five years ) and knows me like the back of her hand . Plus the fact that I just plain old love her and think she 's the most fabulous thing since sliced bread but I digress . She 's a big believer in cranio - sacral therapy . . . I know some people may think it 's a bunch of voodoo hokum , but this stuff works ! At least for me . It was all light touches that I could barely feel , but voila . . . no neck pain or hip pain today ! Well , I do have some residual achiness because she also brought out the needles ( gah ) and I have a few good sized bruises from some really tight spots she released . I asked her if I should ( for the next while anyways ) do some more regular visits with her to keep on top of things once I 'm all healed up . . . I was thinking about checking in once every two months to make sure I 'm not getting tight in certain areas and opening myself up to injuries again . . . it 's truly been frustrating to not be able to move my body like I want to . Because she knows my past history , she didn 't feel all the craziness that 's been happening was actually due to the workouts I was doing ( hurray ! ) but that my bloody rotten desk job was the cAs far as workouts go ( no , I won 't make you suffer through three weeks of detailed recaps . . . ha ! ) , I 've still been keeping at ' er and doing short runs ( now up to 4K ) , strength work and circuits at home so I won 't lose too much fitness . Sadly , the ladies I was training with at PISE aren 't able to continue on for various reasons so I 'm a little sad about that , but we did get a book of kickass workouts that I 've been using , which has been awesome . I think if things start looking pretty good , I might start back one day at my other bootcamp and slowly add days until I 'm back at it three days a week . . . I 've been missing my good buddy D a lot . Yahooooieeeeeee ! I think my race volunteering gigs for the rest of the year are set . . . hurray ! I gotta say , I 've really enjoyed the races I volunteered at so far this year and think I 'm going to continue this going forward . It 's fun , I get to meet lots of cool people and I 'm surrounded by runners . . . what could be better , I ask ? OK , maybe being surrounded by Chippendale 's dancers might be marginally better but it 's pretty close . Hee hee . So third race of the year is this weekend , Splash of Color , right here in little old Victoria ! It 's one of these colour runs that are super popular right now . I was going to sign up for it but thought nope . . . this is the Year of Volunteering , and I 'm doing the Color Me Rad next year with D anyways so it 's all good . I requested the finish line and because I was the very first little old volunteer , I got my wish so I 'll be the crazy little Asian , throwing colours all over the runners . So excited ! Fourth race is also set as well I think . . . I got the heads up that I 'll be at the finish line for the Goodlife Victoria this year too . . . I can 't tell you how freaking excited I am , and the perfect ending to the Year of Volunteering ! A few months ago I sent an email to the volunteer coordinator at the Goodlife Victoria . . . I have a friend on the organizing committee so worked that angle . . . it 's not what you know but who you know , amirite ? ! Anyways , I told her how what happened to me last year made me realize how amazing the volunteers were and that I wanted to give back to the race and , if possible , could I pretty please with sugar on top be at the finish line ? My friend was at a committee meeting last night and said that apparently they all remembered who I was ( yep , the infamous 20K collapser , that 's me ! ) and that I 'd be at the finish line as requested . . . squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! So that 's it . It looks like things are all set and I 'll truly be Foodie at the Finish Line four times this year . Four times is the charm , right ? Wink . Can 't hardly wait . Last two days until Hubs and I are off on vaycay for a week and I 'm seriously dying here . It 's been a busy summer and we 're looking forward to some time off . What are we doing ? Mostly stuff around the house and then we 're spending a few days in the big smoke ( Vancouver ) and yes , we 're going to some cool new restaurants so we may indulge a wee tiny bit , hee hee . And maybe some shopping too . Also using that time off to go pay a visit to my regular physio . . . we moved offices recently so when I broke my ass , I couldn 't get in to see my regular person so booked somewhere else as it 's right in the same complex I work in . Now don 't get me wrong . . . I really like the new physio and think he 's awesome , but all physios have different approaches and my regular physio has worked with me for years and got me through the marathon training in one piece and virtually injury free . I think there must be something going on bigger than all the crazy niggles I 've been having issues with ( now the right calf that 's been bugging me since last December has flared up and is causing me some grief . . . seriously , when will this end ? ! ) and my regular person has a holistic approach that seems to have worked in the past . All I want is to get better so I can get back at ' er . . . so far it 's been broken ass , left inner thigh issue , Achilles heel injury , right calf niggle , wayward ribs and my lower back was bugging me because I had a vertebra out . . . . I 'm so ready for things to just feel good ! Just gotta say , thank god for " Team Wong " . . . my RMT , physio ( s ) and chiro . Back at it after hurting my left inner thigh . Overall felt OK but getting a bit of a pulling feeling at the back of the knee . Please do NOT be IT band syndrome . . . Perspective . . . sometimes that 's all you need . This past weekend I went to Lake Cowichan to hang out with a group of friends I 've known forever . . . met them when I was fifteen at my very first job as a grocery store cashier , so I 'm talking close to thirty years here ! We 've gone through so much together and seen each other through so many phases of our lives . . . the crappy teenage years , the just - figuring - shizz - out twenties , the its - finally - getting - better thirties and now the I - think - I 've - finally - figured - it - out - forties . Anyways . . . Hubs and I went up to hang out with these girlfriends and their spouses , and we had such a great time . As we hung out on the beach and spent time chatting around the campfire , I thought wow . . . how lucky am I to have such wonderful friends . . . like these are the types of friends that I would drop everything for if they needed me . Then I got the news . One of the spouses was missing from the festivities , and I thought it was a bit odd but thought she couldn 't make it up for work or something . Turns out she just got the diagnosis of breast cancer . . . when I heard that , my stomach dropped . As we sat around and talked about what was happening ( thankfully the men were doing boy talk about RVs and fifth wheels ) , everyone started talking about their health issues and what was going on with them . As I sat and listened , I was so thankful that all I was dealing with right now was a broken ass and busted leg . Yes . . . ask me a week ago and I was having a pity party and wallowing in pissoffedness , but I 'm not dealing with a diagnosis of cancer or other major health problems . Perspective , right ? Truly , instead of waking up in the morning feeling grumpy or tired , I should be thankful and grateful every single day for what I 'm blessed to have . Yep , gonna do that starting tomorrow along with sending healing vibes to my girlfriend . Second injury , grrr . Talked to Danya and she thinks possibly slightly torn adductor muscle , and gave me some ideas how to deal with it as my physio was away on vaycay . Thursday : rest Garden vegetable soup from Alton Brown and Israeli Couscous Salad with Smoked Paprika . . . the couscous is amazing . More than amazing actually ! Trust me , try this one , a total winner . . . . I would never steer you wrong when it comes to food . Oh the humanity . So . . . remember how I just said that my butt was getting better ? That it wasn 't hurting on my runs ? That things were looking up and I was feeling good ? Yeah , not so much . Yesterday I did an easy run on the treadmill and then decided to do 3 sets of 10 squats and lunges . Nothing crazy , no weights on either . . . done billions of squats and lunges in the past as they 're a staple at bootcamp . Butt was feeling good , I was happy . . . and then on the last set of lunges , I felt a small twang in my left inner thigh . I stopped immediately and stretched it and tried again , and decided nope . . . better hold off and not push things . It didn 't hurt like crazy like when I hurt my glute , but I thought I 'd just better be careful and thought it was a niggle . Rollered and stretched as per my new routine . This morning I get up and it feels OK . Maybe a bit tight but nothing too bad , it felt a bit sensitive to the touch but I wasn 't in major pain or anything like I was the last time . I decided that to be on the safe side , I 'd take a tensor bandage to work and ice it . Then I look and I 've got a freakin ' bruise on my inner thigh . . . I 've strained another & # * $ # ( @ muscle . this is what i looked like today when i saw the bruise Sob . I feel like I 'm taking two steps forward , one step back . OK , three steps back maybe is more like it ! Is this a test from head office or something ? I know a lot of people are dealing with way worse injuries than me , and it 's comforting to read how other bloggers are fighting their way back from strains , pulls and fractures and are doing great . And really . . . first world problems , right ? Way bigger fish to fry in the grand scheme of things . Just right now , I feel almost like I 'm afraid to do anything because I 'm worried about pulling something else . . . I 'm almost scared to do any upper body stuff because if I strained my shoulder or something . . . well , may as well take me out back and put me out of my misery . Yes , I 'm frustrated . Yes , I 'm pissed at myself . Yes , I had a bit of a pity party today . Exercise is a huge part of my life and basically my existence , so to not be able to do it really drives me crazy . Anyways . . . next steps . . . rest for a few days , stick to some easy upper body stuff ( am not willing to risk any injuries ! ) and then go from there . And I guess I gotta look at the silver lining . . . butt feels awesome . Always gotta look at the bright side . . . this too , shall pass . It sure doesn 't take long to lose fitness , I tell ya . This past Friday I got the green light from my physio to add in some lower body strength training and start lengthening the distances on my runs as things are looking pretty good with the old bum . . . wooohooo ! So far , it doesn 't feel like my cardio has suffered too much but not so with the strength side of things . . . I did 3 sets of 10 air squats and lunges to start on Sunday and I couldn 't believe how sore I 've been the past two days ! I guess it 's been almost a month since I hurt myself so I 'll need some time to build things back up again slowly but surely . . . I don 't want a repeat of this little incident ever again . This whole broken ass thing really got to thinking though . . . over the past six months I 've definitely asked a lot of my body but really haven 't looked after it that well . . . mea culpa . I 've been bad at stretching and rollering consistently and haven 't been getting regular massages to keep things loose and limber , which I think has resulted in a lot of the issues I 've been having with my ribs coming out of place more often than usual . Well , no more . . . I 'm vowing to roller and stretch nightly and make regular appointments with my most amazing and fabulous RMT . " Niggles no more ! " is my new motto . Recovery week ! I took things pretty easy . . . a lot easier than what I had planned actually . I don 't know what it was , but this week was fraught with issues . Mercury retrograde , anyone ? After a fairly successful first attempt at any kind of running in almost a month , my butt was a bit sore but overall not too bad . Success ! I was pretty sore from Saturday 's ladder workout so decided that most of the week would just be some easy running to get my butt and body back into the groove , so no crazy workouts were in the works . . . I 've been having so many niggles that I figured my body deserved a rest after six months of hard workouts . Most of the week proceeded as planned until I woke up Thursday morning feeling sore and achy with a killer headache and silly me . . . I moved a bit too quickly out of bed and felt a click in my chest and a sharp pain in my ribs . . . oh great . By the time I got to work , I could feel that telltale tightening of my muscles that only happens when a rib comes out of place . . . again ! Bah . Luckily after some rollering and stretching , I felt it click back into place . . . calamity avoided this time . The killer headache didn 't go away though and soon I was sneezing with a runny nose . . . I proceeded to pound every single thing I could to avoid getting sick as this was our anniversary weekend , and there was no way I wasn 't celebrating , ribs and cold be damned ! Whatever I did , it worked because by the time Friday night rolled around , I felt much better . . . all systems go for anniversary weekend ! Now we all know bad things happen in threes , right ? Sunday I went out in the garden to do some weeding and must have moved just so , and my lower back start to tense up and seize . It felt OK until I went to bed where it proceeded to ache no matter which way I slept . . . it bothered me so much that I ended up getting up multiple times in the middle of the night to roller and stretch . . . sorry Hubs . It 's still bothering me today and making it hard to sit for too long . Seriously . . . am ready to trade this body in for a newer , younger and faster model . Taller would be good too , this five foot nothing business is for the birds . First run outside in a month ! ! I can 't tell you how awesome it felt to get out there . And I 'm being such an angel and not pushing things too fast , right ? Right ? !

Home sweet home . I love that cliche more and more when I return home from a trip away . The cabin experience was nothing surprising . My SIL is a nut . That is the nice word for it . : ) She is snappy with my kids and always trying to manipulate things to get her way . I was hoping to watch some TV since we don 't have cable at home and there is Direct TV at the cabin . No . She wanted to listen to 70s music on Sirius all weekend . No , the kids couldn 't watch anything either . Thankfully I had anticipated this and brought my computer with the kids movies . Meals were cooked when she wanted to eat , usually hours later than my family is used to eating . Fine . I had bags of snacks and treats we enjoyed . No , you can 't make coffee on the last morning , it is already packed . If there were games being played , like cards or dice , my kids were told " It 's too hard . You guys can 't play , " so I took them in the other room and played other games provided in the cabin . My oldest is 8 and loves to play games and it really broke my heart to see the look of incomprehension on his face . Grr . I won 't even get into what she tried to pull with the sleeping arrangements . I will just say that it would have left my 3 little ones on the floor and myself and my husband incredibly uncomfortable . This is the short story . By late Friday night , after being kept awake until 2 : 30 a . m . , that 's the longer story , I was dry heaving in the bathroom . I swear it was from the stress of the whole rotten situation . Everyone else said it was from the altitude . Riiight . At one point on Saturday I was completely miserable , wishing I could just pack up and leave . But , sigh , I knew that wasn 't going to happen . I had to suck it up and keep going . So I did . I spent some time outside with the kiddoes . They really enjoyed the snow and I enjoyed watching them enjoy the snow . I did a little sledding and snowball throwing , but when I was too cold or wet , I headed inside . I got LOTS of knitting done . I crocheted the edge around my practice scarf and it looks okay . The scarf itself isPosted by I am alone for a few minutes for the first time all week . Hubby is in the shower . Kids are in bed . Bliss . I never realize what a creature of solitude I am until I have none . I get very edgy and internally stressed out when I don 't get enough time to myself , to finish my thoughts without another person butting in . I think that can really drive a person crazy . Having kids helps with the insanity , too , pushing you further toward the edge . I swear my kids are part cat because they always get tangled up in my legs while I 'm trying to walk ! Inevitably someone will step on my toes , which is no small event since I am always wearing flip - flops . My best new tool , the no talking rule . Once the kids have danced on my last nerve for the last time , I say , " No talking ! " ( or shout it , whatever ) That usually gives me at least 5 minutes , longer if we 're in the car , to collect my thoughts , my sanity , my breath , and keep going about the day . We are heading to a cabin this weekend to spend my niece 's birthday with them . I am excited to be in the mountains although I 'm dreading the drive . I am wondering if I will have a good time since my idea and their idea of what is appropriate around my kids are very different things . I have packed only one outift since I plan to stay inside the cabin and not in the snow . My wonderful hubby took us to Costco and purchased a vast amouny of biscotti that I felt was absolutely necessary for this adventure . We 'll see if my vision of knitting by the fire with hot coffee and chocolate biscotti comes true . This blog is not one of those " what I did today " blogs that eventually get really boring . Really , it 's not . But sitting here with my fresh hot mug of coffee , I just feel like doing a quick recap of this particular day . It was a great day . I was productive and planned ahead . Well , granted the planning part was done late last night when I got back out of bed because I couldn 't sleep and then I made a few lists and worked on some report stuff , then went back to bed before 12 : 30am which for me is not bad . 8 : 00am - turned off the alarm , snuggled deeper into my electric blanket heaven . 8 : 30am - got out of bed , shivered , and headed into the day8 : 35am - 10 : 30am - made breakfast ( eggs for everyone ! ) , got the kids up and going , did the dishes , prepped schoolwork for the kids , gathered my laptop and knitting , packed the DS for Mr . M , made lunches , got dressed , hit the road . 11 : 00am - dropped off big kids at class and headed to Starbucks with Mr . M . We spent the class time at the Towne Center playground . He played and I knitted on the blue / brown scarf . 12 : 00pm - Picked up big kids and headed back to playground . Everyone ate lunch and I edited the reports I pasted into Word . This was a vast improvement of my time spent waiting for the kids and during breaks in the class schedule . Editing 12 reports put me way ahead for working tonight . 1 : 45pm - Dropped off the big kids at class and sat in car with Mr . M to wait . This class is an hour and since he like to play the DS , we just sit in the car . Plus , I think my kids would be distracted if I sat in the class with them . I got to knit for an hour , which was wonderful . 2 : 55pm - Pick up kids and marvel at the way this science teacher always gets the experiments to work right . The kids made ice cream today and I just know that if I had attempted that at home , it would NOT have worked . 3 : 15pm - Get home and check my email . Fret about classes that I need to sign up the kids for and haven 't . Wonder how many messages we missed out on since the rain messed up the phone . Kiss hubby hello and goodbyPosted by A quick note : Check out Knitting Tips By Judy and read her celebrity page if you want some inspirational reading . I was amazed at how many unique items she has knitted for movie that I actually REMEMBER seeing . Like the Forrest Gump sox and the scarf in the Kranks Christmas movie . I just started a garter stitch rib scarf in autumn colors and am still working on the blue stockinette stitch with garter border scarf . I need to get some purple yarn and get going on a birthday scarf for a friend . I have yet to figure out how to knit socks or hats . Grr . I 'm adding a blanket to my list of knitting projects for this year . An interesting event occurred today . I made the decision to transcribe in the front room instead of my bedroom due to heat issues . You know , it was one of those times there was this little voice telling me to make the effort , move all my stuff , get settled in the front room . And I did it , I didn 't ignore the voice . Good thing . About 15 minutes after I started working , headphones on , kids in their room playing , the space heater suddenly shut off . It was plugged into a power strip that was plugged into an extension cord ( yes , I know you shouldn 't do that . Tell that to my hubby . ) I thought it was a blown fuse , which sometimes happens since the wiring in our house is so old , but when I glanced around , nothing else was switched off . Weird , I thought , maybe the heater got too hot and turned off , although that hasn 't happened before . So , I got up to investigate , and suddenly the lamp , also plugged into the power strip , flashed a brilliant white light three times , and I realized there was a crackling noise coming from the power strip . A fire was starting ! I suddenly smelled plastic burning and started to pull everything out of the power strip . I realized that the electricity was still coursing though as the lamp was flashing a bit more , so I dashed to the end of the couch and ripped the cord out of the wall . I pulled the cord out from behind the couch and discovered that the extension cord was incredibly hot as was the plug from the power strip . I let it cool off for a minute and when I pulled the plug out , the area around the inlet on the extension cord was brown and burnt . Holy cow . That was a close call . I have an intense , very real fear of fires in our home and thank God I was working in the front room or our house could have gone up in flames real quick . Thank God for that small voice ! Of course when I told my hubby what happened , he didn 't think it would have been a fire . When he saw the plug , he rubbed at burnt plastic and shrugged . Probably a bug crawled in it and shorted it out , he said . Riiight . Sometimes I wondPosted by I finished the two - color green and ecru striped scarf . The colors are closer together than I had planned since the stripes are so narrow . I really did this as a first attempt with two different yarns . I am still pleased with the scarf although it was somewhat flattened when I ironed it . But I had to iron it since it was all curled in on itself due to the stockinette syndrome . Sigh . My plan is to crochet a green border and be done with it . I started a blue and brown scarf , which is just one skein , not two . I 'm doing it with a garter border , stockinette for the body with a garter strip up the middle . So basically it looks like it has two panels . I love this yarn . I need to learn how to iron to uncurl , not flatten . I need to learn how to do some tassels too . I find myself incredibly lazy at the end of a project , more willing to say " good enough " than go the extra mile and add a bunch of tedious finishing touches . Boo . Rain changes time . The minutes and hours seem totally different when it 's raining . Inside the house , the day seems long and cozy , listening to the rain while still in pajamas , watching videos , knitting or reading . If I am outside the house , the minutes seem to last even longer , hampered by the stress of driving or having to drag the kids through the rain . It 's a mystery to me . Everything slows down . Traffic , people in the grocery store , kids even seem to move in slow motion . My week has been interesting . We spent the first two days soaking wet as we ran from class to class . After the Tuesday class , the rain was coming down incredibly hard and we had to wait a few minutes before leaving the class . I could tell the manager wasn 't too happy about that , maybe she didn 't want a group of people hanging out all day , I don ; t know . The minute there was a lull in the rain , she urged everyone to " go now while it 's slowing down " . Huh ? My brain was giving me a warning signal , like , isn 't that when it 's NOT good to be out , during the lull ? We all left anyway , and lo and behold , we were on the road during the sighting of a tornado 15 minutes from where the class was located . Stupid manager . I should have trusted myself . I drove home , white knuckles and teary eyed , kids freaked out , the whole way , which was about ten minutes in normal time but 20 minutes in rain time . The streets were flooded , water up to the curb most of the way . The kids got a great visual of the damage a storm can cause and why it 's not safe to go out in a storm . When we decided to stay home from all classes the next day , no one complained . Those classes are a 45 minute drive in regular time , who knows how long it would have been in rain time . Plus , the area is near the foothills , so the storm gets backed up against the hills and just sits there , thunder and lightning and all that . No thanks ! I did feel some guilt at missing those classes ? Why ? Why do I feel guilty for making the decision to keep my family safe at home ? Crazy . I hate to miss out on commitments , Posted by I just finished reading The Runaway Jury by John Grisham . I enjoy reading his novels because they are full of interesting characters , suspense , and great plot lines . I can understand why Hollywood likes making Grisham novels into movies , but I don 't understand why they can 't stick to the book more . The Runaway Jury movie , which I watched last night once I finished the book , is all about a trial involving guns . In the book the trial is about big tobacco . The movie focuses on Nicholas and his relationships within the jury , with a broader scope involving Fitch and the family members of the jury members . The movie focuses on the relationship between Marlee and Fitch , most of which is totally opposite than what is portrayed in the book . The Fitch character in the movie is very different from the book as well , although Gene Hackman matches the physical attributes perfectly . My thought when the movie was over : Meh . The book is infinitely better . I wonder what John Grisham thinks of this . Yes , I know the movie is only " based on " the novel , but I wonder what he was thinking when he saw how much was changed between the two products . The movie has a lot of violence , including a fight scene between Marlee and one of Fitch 's goons . I enjoy Grisham 's novels for their intelligent story lines and plot twists , and for the lack of violence . It was interesting to see how violent the movie was compared to the book , and again I wonder what Grisham thought of that . Maybe I will have to search the web and see if anyone interviewed him on this topic . I think this makes for an interesting analysis since so many Grisham novels have been made into movies . Next on my list is The Client . I 've already seen the movie , but it was so long ago I really just remember bits and pieces of it . Being an aspiring writer myself , I wonder what I would think if the option to turn my novel into a screenplay came up . No doubt that is one of the golden tickets of success , but would I want my novel , with all my creativity poured into it , in the hands of HollywooPosted by Last night I went to see " Sherlock Holmes " with one of my best girlfriends . This friend and I are very similar in many things , like our sense of humor and our drooling over Robert Downey , Jr . We had such a great time in the theater during previews since we were the only people there . I am known for making loud comments which I think are amusing , in between previews , during the quiet before the next preview starts . My husband gets embarrassed when I do this , which makes it infinitely more fun to do . My friend last night thought I was hilarious , and that was one more reason the night was so fun . ( yes , this is meant to make you roll your eyes and say , " oh brother , this girl is probably not that funny anyway . " ) The best parts of the movie were enhanced by having a friend there to giggle with and say , " oh , mama ! " when RDJ looked especially good . I have never been a big Jude Law fan , but he was great with RDJ . This is not a movie made for men . This is a chick movie . I think my husband would enjoy this better as a rental anyway . The storyline was good and the Watson character was really the only aspect Hollywood tampered with and made completely opposite from the stories . My friend is a Sherlock Holmes fan and was curious to see how true the movie would stay to the books . I have read many of the stories , too , and we weren 't disappointed . Guy Ritchie directed and his style really made the movie very entertaining . I give it a thumbs up . Yes , I am still wearing the finger brace and typing with my ring finger . Boo . This year is my 12th wedding anniversary and my big idea to celebrate is to finally decorate our bedroom . I can 't begin to describe this room . Picture a Cal - King bed taking up all but 3 feet of space , a nice desk area made out of a baker 's rack , and a wall lined with a pack rat nest of papers , stereo equipment , and records . Yes , the vinyl kind . Somehow my husband has managed to maintain his bachelor style of decorating throughout all these years of co - habitating . Go figure . I have never been big on interior design , decorating , or any of that . BUT I have a vision for this room . Finally . This picture by Klimt , called The Kiss , is our favorite picture since it resembles us . He has dark hair ( hubby shaves his head now , but whatever ) and she has wavy red hair . We have always considered this to be " our " picture and I have decided to buy a big print , frame it , and use the palette for the room decorating . It won 't be cheap , but I 'm planning to buy things here and there and stash them at my mother - in - law 's after I enlist her help . She is the Decorating Queen in this family . We 'll see how it goes . Things to do : I was very inspired to write a list here when I started writing , but I honestly cannot remember what the heck I was going to write . I found a couple new blogs to follow and have been listening to a Pandora radio station one of my friends made for me . I remember a mention on one of the blogs about a blank notebook and I have always loved blank notebooks . A blank notebook holds so much potential . I have a few ideas for some notebooks I wanted to get going throughout this year . One , of course , will be my knitting projects . I am writing out patterns for each project , naming them , coloring them and all that into a project pad I found at Target that has graph paper on one side and lined paper on the other . I 'll just tape a photo on the lined side when I finish . My other notebook is more of a scrapbook and I want to record all my nights out with my hPosted by My Princess O won some Disney on Ice tickets from our library and after weeks of anticipation , we got to go to the show today . It was the first time any of us , me and the kids , had ever been to an ice skating show and we loved it ! The costumes were cute and pretty , the music was fun and loud , and it was just long enough , not too long . Mr . M made it all the way through without much restlessness . During the intermission , I was scrounging my dollars and quarters than are always loose in my bulging purse , thinking I probably had enough to get Mr . M some popcorn to keep him occupied through the next half of the show . Yeah , right ! I had $ 4 and when the vendor came by , I asked him how much for a skinny , not - much - in - there box of popcorn . His response , " $ 7 . " My response , " Ha ha ha ha ! Never mind . " The vendor kind of smiled at me , like " I know , it 's crazy , " then went off down the aisle to give some to some poor sucker behind us . There were all sorts of over - priced souvenirs being paraded around the aisles during intermission . Coloring books for 5 $ ? I told the kids , " If you want some Disney pictures to color , I 'll print some for you when we get home . " They all nodded like that was such a great idea . Good kids . I scrounged around my purse some more and came up with a slightly smashed Milky Way for Mr . M which he was very happy to have . There were some very loud and pushy vendors in the arena , but once we left after the show , the vendors had lined the walkway to the parking garage and were extremely overbearing , pushing fairy wings , light - up spinners , flashing swords , and all kinds of foam hats . I told the kids , " Walk fast ! We 're being attacked ! " We made it safely to the van without any spontaneously ridiculous leakage of cash for crap , and went on our way . Seriously , I 'm not cheap , but when you win tickets to soemthing , isn 't the goal to see how great of a time you can have for free ? Total cost for our trip : $ 10 for parking , of course . While walking around the extremely expensive shops in Claremont near the kids ' art and cooking classes yesterday , a window display of glass chocolates caught my eye . They were beautiful ! I had to go in and out of the building several times and every time I purposely passed by the gallery window that displayed these chocolates . I am a passionate chocolate lover , only the good stuff satisfies so these truffles were very appealing to me . I don 't collect anything , but I cannot stop thinking about those glass chocolates and how perfect they would look on my desk , the one area I have to display my very favorite possessions without little hands grabbing them . I could never afford them all . But I want them . Even just one , resting in its brown paper , glistening and winking at me . Sigh . They 're delicious to look at . * * I want to do these chocolates justice . They are not that expensive . They are incredibly beautiful , even my husband was very impressed . These chocolates are very detailed and intricate . The rounded , shiny edges and dark , rich colors are truly amazing . This is a collectible item , something to possess just for it 's beauty . Look at the slideshow below . You 'll see what I mean . * * I found this looking for pictures of the chocolates . Lovely , just lovely . This is a great way to get reading next year ! It doesn 't seem like that many books until you actually try to do it ! BOOKS IN PROGRESS1 . War and Peace by Tolstoy ( audiobook ) which my mother and I plan to listen to while we knit together once a month . We call it our Knit Lit Day . ( This never got started and I now have a very fat copy of it on my nightstand - one chapter in ) 2 . Audiobook White Fang by Jack London . ( I listen while I knit ) . In progress . ( still ) 3 . Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes ( I 'm at the recipes part ) FINISHED BOOKS1 . The King of Torts by John Grisham - halfway done - a great weekend read ! Finished 1 / 5 / 102 . The Appeal 1 / 7 / 10 ( what else can be done when you have a sprained finger but reading ? ) 3 . 2 . The Appeal by Grisham ( a side goal of mine is to read every Grisham I haven 't read yet ) . 4 . 4 . King of Torts by John Grisham - halfway done - a great weekend read ! Finished 1 / 5 / 105 . Jane and the Unpleasantness at Scargrave Manor : Being the First Jane Austen Mystery by Barron , Stephanie ( K ) 6 . Secret Adversary by Agatha Christie ( K ) 7 . The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella ( K ) 8 . The Full Cupboard of Life : More from the No . 1 Ladies ' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 9 . The Kalahari Typing School for Men by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 10 . Morality for Beautiful Girls by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 11 . Tears of the Giraffe by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 12 . A Series of Unfortunate Events # 3 : The Wide Window by Lemony Snicket ( read while I was on the treadmill ) ( K ) 13 . A Series of Unfortunate Events # 2 : The Reptile Room by Lemony Snicket ( K ) 14 . Baby Bonanza by Maureen Child ( K ) ( my first free romance Kindle book ) 15 . Tillie , a Mennonite Maid ; a Story of the Pennsylvania Dutch by Helen Martin ( free K ) 16 . The No . 1 Ladies ' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 17 . Lies I Told My Children by Karen McQuestion ( K ) 18 . The Log - Cabin Lady - An Anonymous Autobiography ( K ) 19 . Bram Stoker 's Dracula by Bram Stoker ( K ) 20 . Ireland : A Novel by Frank Delaney ( K ) 21 . Born to Run by Christopher Mcdougall ( K ) So , I quite possibly have done something bad to my finger . It has gotten progressively more swollen throughout the day and alternates between cold and hot . It must have happened this morning while I was cleaning up the kitchen , but who knows . I was so incredibly focused on getting things done that I can 't even trace my steps to a moment of " ow , that hurt " . Okay , fine . I mention this to my husband late in the evening . He has to look at it . He has to compare the swelling to the index finger on the other hand . He asks what I did , I must have done something . Of course it 's swollen , he says , all that transcription you just did . Um , no . His solution ? " You should run it under some cold water . " LOL ! I really tried hard to maintain a straight face . How the heck will that help me ? Yes , the swelling may go down , if I apply ice , but seriously this was the lamest advice ever ! I am half - expecting him to wake up tomorrow and tell me that HIS finger hurts now . You know how men are . You know that if it had been HIS finger hurt that my response would have been , " You need to go to the doctor , " not something about cold water . If he finger had been hurt , he would have curled up on the couch and fallen asleep , woken up to eat dinner with his finger held high in the air , and basically been a big baby . You KNOW how men are . I made dinner . I typed about 10 1 - minute transcription reports . I taxied the kids to class , the park for PE , and the grocery store . My finger hurt the whole time . I even did some knitting at the park . Why , why can I just suck it up and keep going ? What if I did just flop down and wallow in it ? Nothing would get done ! But this also means that when I tell him I think I really hurt my finger he doesn 't take me seriously . I should go pound it with a hammer , go to the doctor and get a horrible diagnosis , then he would take me seriously , right ? I don 't want to burn out on my resolutions , so I 'm focusing on a few at a time . Tonight I gave my husband time alone at home to practice . His band has a big show on Wednesday night . I grabbed my knitting and my Dell Ditty which holds my audiobooks and hunkered down at Starbucks while the kids were at church for clubs . I got about 6 inches knitted while I listened to White Fang . The story is starting out good and I feel like the guy reading it is my friend already . I really , really enjoyed being out and knitting , listening to my book . That is the person I want to be , and slowly I am becoming her . Today I spent a few hours at the park with my younger two children who were happily playing with new friends on the park equipment . I was sitting in a sunny spot about 50 feet back from the playground reading a book . Occasionally I would look up and make sure the kids were still having a good time , and on one such glance , I noticed a butt crack . I was seated farther away from the play area , but most of the other parents were quite close , sitting on the grass with their feet in the sand . The butt crack I noticed belonged to a mom who sitting by the sand and was oblivious to the fact her butt crack was glaring . I 'm not sure why she didn 't know , since it was cool and breezy , but hey , whatever . My dilemma was do I tell her ? Do I wait for her to feel the exposure ? I was furthest back from everyone , so no one else had noticed . What would you have done ? I contemplated for a few minutes , then decided if it was me I would want to know ! So I told her . I walked up behind her , and realized that she was holding a small baby , so I bent down to her ear level and said quietly , " You should pull your shirt down a little in the back . " She was very grateful , thanked me and laughed a little , and in an effort to not embarrass her further , I made quick conversation with my kids and then headed back to my chair . I almost can 't believe I did that . I am ultra - nonconfrontational . To a fault . I don 't approach strangers at the park and tell them their private body part is winking at me . I wait , too long usually , and someone else does it . Not today ! Why not ? My husband couldn 't believe I did it . I 'm gald that I did . 1 . Finally I can start working on the Read 100 challenge ! I have a few books I have been waiting to get into because I wanted to count them towards my 100 books for 2010 . Also , my reading goals include reading every Grisham novel yet unread and the knit lit project I have going with my mother . 2 . My knitting goal for the year is to build my inventory and have a Christmas boutique at the end of 2010 . I also am working on learning how to make socks and hats , and baby blankets to donate . My third knitting goal is to knit 1 scarf in each pattern of the Chick Knit book I have . I have no WIP right now since I finished everything this week so as to start the New Year fresh . Yay for me ! 3 . Exercise . More . I love to hit the track and walk . It helps me mentally and also physically , obviously . I enjoy it a lot . Time is usually the only obstacle to my getting there . Also , one of my homies and I have several class sessions left for our step class we started last August . We 're back in class on Tuesday . When we finish that , we 're going to sign up for line dancing , woo - hoo ! I 'm also squeezing in an ab workout every day . It 's only 15 minuted and really intense . These are the basic improve - myself goals . I have others for my wife role , mom role , homeschool role . But I haven 't really gotten specific in those areas yet . I have all weekend . I love the new year .

Home sweet home . I love that cliche more and more when I return home from a trip away . The cabin experience was nothing surprising . My SIL is a nut . That is the nice word for it . : ) She is snappy with my kids and always trying to manipulate things to get her way . I was hoping to watch some TV since we don 't have cable at home and there is Direct TV at the cabin . No . She wanted to listen to 70s music on Sirius all weekend . No , the kids couldn 't watch anything either . Thankfully I had anticipated this and brought my computer with the kids movies . Meals were cooked when she wanted to eat , usually hours later than my family is used to eating . Fine . I had bags of snacks and treats we enjoyed . No , you can 't make coffee on the last morning , it is already packed . If there were games being played , like cards or dice , my kids were told " It 's too hard . You guys can 't play , " so I took them in the other room and played other games provided in the cabin . My oldest is 8 and loves to play games and it really broke my heart to see the look of incomprehension on his face . Grr . I won 't even get into what she tried to pull with the sleeping arrangements . I will just say that it would have left my 3 little ones on the floor and myself and my husband incredibly uncomfortable . This is the short story . By late Friday night , after being kept awake until 2 : 30 a . m . , that 's the longer story , I was dry heaving in the bathroom . I swear it was from the stress of the whole rotten situation . Everyone else said it was from the altitude . Riiight . At one point on Saturday I was completely miserable , wishing I could just pack up and leave . But , sigh , I knew that wasn 't going to happen . I had to suck it up and keep going . So I did . I spent some time outside with the kiddoes . They really enjoyed the snow and I enjoyed watching them enjoy the snow . I did a little sledding and snowball throwing , but when I was too cold or wet , I headed inside . I got LOTS of knitting done . I crocheted the edge around my practice scarf and it looks okay . The scarf itself isPosted by I am alone for a few minutes for the first time all week . Hubby is in the shower . Kids are in bed . Bliss . I never realize what a creature of solitude I am until I have none . I get very edgy and internally stressed out when I don 't get enough time to myself , to finish my thoughts without another person butting in . I think that can really drive a person crazy . Having kids helps with the insanity , too , pushing you further toward the edge . I swear my kids are part cat because they always get tangled up in my legs while I 'm trying to walk ! Inevitably someone will step on my toes , which is no small event since I am always wearing flip - flops . My best new tool , the no talking rule . Once the kids have danced on my last nerve for the last time , I say , " No talking ! " ( or shout it , whatever ) That usually gives me at least 5 minutes , longer if we 're in the car , to collect my thoughts , my sanity , my breath , and keep going about the day . We are heading to a cabin this weekend to spend my niece 's birthday with them . I am excited to be in the mountains although I 'm dreading the drive . I am wondering if I will have a good time since my idea and their idea of what is appropriate around my kids are very different things . I have packed only one outift since I plan to stay inside the cabin and not in the snow . My wonderful hubby took us to Costco and purchased a vast amouny of biscotti that I felt was absolutely necessary for this adventure . We 'll see if my vision of knitting by the fire with hot coffee and chocolate biscotti comes true . This blog is not one of those " what I did today " blogs that eventually get really boring . Really , it 's not . But sitting here with my fresh hot mug of coffee , I just feel like doing a quick recap of this particular day . It was a great day . I was productive and planned ahead . Well , granted the planning part was done late last night when I got back out of bed because I couldn 't sleep and then I made a few lists and worked on some report stuff , then went back to bed before 12 : 30am which for me is not bad . 8 : 00am - turned off the alarm , snuggled deeper into my electric blanket heaven . 8 : 30am - got out of bed , shivered , and headed into the day8 : 35am - 10 : 30am - made breakfast ( eggs for everyone ! ) , got the kids up and going , did the dishes , prepped schoolwork for the kids , gathered my laptop and knitting , packed the DS for Mr . M , made lunches , got dressed , hit the road . 11 : 00am - dropped off big kids at class and headed to Starbucks with Mr . M . We spent the class time at the Towne Center playground . He played and I knitted on the blue / brown scarf . 12 : 00pm - Picked up big kids and headed back to playground . Everyone ate lunch and I edited the reports I pasted into Word . This was a vast improvement of my time spent waiting for the kids and during breaks in the class schedule . Editing 12 reports put me way ahead for working tonight . 1 : 45pm - Dropped off the big kids at class and sat in car with Mr . M to wait . This class is an hour and since he like to play the DS , we just sit in the car . Plus , I think my kids would be distracted if I sat in the class with them . I got to knit for an hour , which was wonderful . 2 : 55pm - Pick up kids and marvel at the way this science teacher always gets the experiments to work right . The kids made ice cream today and I just know that if I had attempted that at home , it would NOT have worked . 3 : 15pm - Get home and check my email . Fret about classes that I need to sign up the kids for and haven 't . Wonder how many messages we missed out on since the rain messed up the phone . Kiss hubby hello and goodbyPosted by A quick note : Check out Knitting Tips By Judy and read her celebrity page if you want some inspirational reading . I was amazed at how many unique items she has knitted for movie that I actually REMEMBER seeing . Like the Forrest Gump sox and the scarf in the Kranks Christmas movie . I just started a garter stitch rib scarf in autumn colors and am still working on the blue stockinette stitch with garter border scarf . I need to get some purple yarn and get going on a birthday scarf for a friend . I have yet to figure out how to knit socks or hats . Grr . I 'm adding a blanket to my list of knitting projects for this year . An interesting event occurred today . I made the decision to transcribe in the front room instead of my bedroom due to heat issues . You know , it was one of those times there was this little voice telling me to make the effort , move all my stuff , get settled in the front room . And I did it , I didn 't ignore the voice . Good thing . About 15 minutes after I started working , headphones on , kids in their room playing , the space heater suddenly shut off . It was plugged into a power strip that was plugged into an extension cord ( yes , I know you shouldn 't do that . Tell that to my hubby . ) I thought it was a blown fuse , which sometimes happens since the wiring in our house is so old , but when I glanced around , nothing else was switched off . Weird , I thought , maybe the heater got too hot and turned off , although that hasn 't happened before . So , I got up to investigate , and suddenly the lamp , also plugged into the power strip , flashed a brilliant white light three times , and I realized there was a crackling noise coming from the power strip . A fire was starting ! I suddenly smelled plastic burning and started to pull everything out of the power strip . I realized that the electricity was still coursing though as the lamp was flashing a bit more , so I dashed to the end of the couch and ripped the cord out of the wall . I pulled the cord out from behind the couch and discovered that the extension cord was incredibly hot as was the plug from the power strip . I let it cool off for a minute and when I pulled the plug out , the area around the inlet on the extension cord was brown and burnt . Holy cow . That was a close call . I have an intense , very real fear of fires in our home and thank God I was working in the front room or our house could have gone up in flames real quick . Thank God for that small voice ! Of course when I told my hubby what happened , he didn 't think it would have been a fire . When he saw the plug , he rubbed at burnt plastic and shrugged . Probably a bug crawled in it and shorted it out , he said . Riiight . Sometimes I wondPosted by I finished the two - color green and ecru striped scarf . The colors are closer together than I had planned since the stripes are so narrow . I really did this as a first attempt with two different yarns . I am still pleased with the scarf although it was somewhat flattened when I ironed it . But I had to iron it since it was all curled in on itself due to the stockinette syndrome . Sigh . My plan is to crochet a green border and be done with it . I started a blue and brown scarf , which is just one skein , not two . I 'm doing it with a garter border , stockinette for the body with a garter strip up the middle . So basically it looks like it has two panels . I love this yarn . I need to learn how to iron to uncurl , not flatten . I need to learn how to do some tassels too . I find myself incredibly lazy at the end of a project , more willing to say " good enough " than go the extra mile and add a bunch of tedious finishing touches . Boo . Rain changes time . The minutes and hours seem totally different when it 's raining . Inside the house , the day seems long and cozy , listening to the rain while still in pajamas , watching videos , knitting or reading . If I am outside the house , the minutes seem to last even longer , hampered by the stress of driving or having to drag the kids through the rain . It 's a mystery to me . Everything slows down . Traffic , people in the grocery store , kids even seem to move in slow motion . My week has been interesting . We spent the first two days soaking wet as we ran from class to class . After the Tuesday class , the rain was coming down incredibly hard and we had to wait a few minutes before leaving the class . I could tell the manager wasn 't too happy about that , maybe she didn 't want a group of people hanging out all day , I don ; t know . The minute there was a lull in the rain , she urged everyone to " go now while it 's slowing down " . Huh ? My brain was giving me a warning signal , like , isn 't that when it 's NOT good to be out , during the lull ? We all left anyway , and lo and behold , we were on the road during the sighting of a tornado 15 minutes from where the class was located . Stupid manager . I should have trusted myself . I drove home , white knuckles and teary eyed , kids freaked out , the whole way , which was about ten minutes in normal time but 20 minutes in rain time . The streets were flooded , water up to the curb most of the way . The kids got a great visual of the damage a storm can cause and why it 's not safe to go out in a storm . When we decided to stay home from all classes the next day , no one complained . Those classes are a 45 minute drive in regular time , who knows how long it would have been in rain time . Plus , the area is near the foothills , so the storm gets backed up against the hills and just sits there , thunder and lightning and all that . No thanks ! I did feel some guilt at missing those classes ? Why ? Why do I feel guilty for making the decision to keep my family safe at home ? Crazy . I hate to miss out on commitments , Posted by I just finished reading The Runaway Jury by John Grisham . I enjoy reading his novels because they are full of interesting characters , suspense , and great plot lines . I can understand why Hollywood likes making Grisham novels into movies , but I don 't understand why they can 't stick to the book more . The Runaway Jury movie , which I watched last night once I finished the book , is all about a trial involving guns . In the book the trial is about big tobacco . The movie focuses on Nicholas and his relationships within the jury , with a broader scope involving Fitch and the family members of the jury members . The movie focuses on the relationship between Marlee and Fitch , most of which is totally opposite than what is portrayed in the book . The Fitch character in the movie is very different from the book as well , although Gene Hackman matches the physical attributes perfectly . My thought when the movie was over : Meh . The book is infinitely better . I wonder what John Grisham thinks of this . Yes , I know the movie is only " based on " the novel , but I wonder what he was thinking when he saw how much was changed between the two products . The movie has a lot of violence , including a fight scene between Marlee and one of Fitch 's goons . I enjoy Grisham 's novels for their intelligent story lines and plot twists , and for the lack of violence . It was interesting to see how violent the movie was compared to the book , and again I wonder what Grisham thought of that . Maybe I will have to search the web and see if anyone interviewed him on this topic . I think this makes for an interesting analysis since so many Grisham novels have been made into movies . Next on my list is The Client . I 've already seen the movie , but it was so long ago I really just remember bits and pieces of it . Being an aspiring writer myself , I wonder what I would think if the option to turn my novel into a screenplay came up . No doubt that is one of the golden tickets of success , but would I want my novel , with all my creativity poured into it , in the hands of HollywooPosted by Last night I went to see " Sherlock Holmes " with one of my best girlfriends . This friend and I are very similar in many things , like our sense of humor and our drooling over Robert Downey , Jr . We had such a great time in the theater during previews since we were the only people there . I am known for making loud comments which I think are amusing , in between previews , during the quiet before the next preview starts . My husband gets embarrassed when I do this , which makes it infinitely more fun to do . My friend last night thought I was hilarious , and that was one more reason the night was so fun . ( yes , this is meant to make you roll your eyes and say , " oh brother , this girl is probably not that funny anyway . " ) The best parts of the movie were enhanced by having a friend there to giggle with and say , " oh , mama ! " when RDJ looked especially good . I have never been a big Jude Law fan , but he was great with RDJ . This is not a movie made for men . This is a chick movie . I think my husband would enjoy this better as a rental anyway . The storyline was good and the Watson character was really the only aspect Hollywood tampered with and made completely opposite from the stories . My friend is a Sherlock Holmes fan and was curious to see how true the movie would stay to the books . I have read many of the stories , too , and we weren 't disappointed . Guy Ritchie directed and his style really made the movie very entertaining . I give it a thumbs up . Yes , I am still wearing the finger brace and typing with my ring finger . Boo . This year is my 12th wedding anniversary and my big idea to celebrate is to finally decorate our bedroom . I can 't begin to describe this room . Picture a Cal - King bed taking up all but 3 feet of space , a nice desk area made out of a baker 's rack , and a wall lined with a pack rat nest of papers , stereo equipment , and records . Yes , the vinyl kind . Somehow my husband has managed to maintain his bachelor style of decorating throughout all these years of co - habitating . Go figure . I have never been big on interior design , decorating , or any of that . BUT I have a vision for this room . Finally . This picture by Klimt , called The Kiss , is our favorite picture since it resembles us . He has dark hair ( hubby shaves his head now , but whatever ) and she has wavy red hair . We have always considered this to be " our " picture and I have decided to buy a big print , frame it , and use the palette for the room decorating . It won 't be cheap , but I 'm planning to buy things here and there and stash them at my mother - in - law 's after I enlist her help . She is the Decorating Queen in this family . We 'll see how it goes . Things to do : I was very inspired to write a list here when I started writing , but I honestly cannot remember what the heck I was going to write . I found a couple new blogs to follow and have been listening to a Pandora radio station one of my friends made for me . I remember a mention on one of the blogs about a blank notebook and I have always loved blank notebooks . A blank notebook holds so much potential . I have a few ideas for some notebooks I wanted to get going throughout this year . One , of course , will be my knitting projects . I am writing out patterns for each project , naming them , coloring them and all that into a project pad I found at Target that has graph paper on one side and lined paper on the other . I 'll just tape a photo on the lined side when I finish . My other notebook is more of a scrapbook and I want to record all my nights out with my hPosted by My Princess O won some Disney on Ice tickets from our library and after weeks of anticipation , we got to go to the show today . It was the first time any of us , me and the kids , had ever been to an ice skating show and we loved it ! The costumes were cute and pretty , the music was fun and loud , and it was just long enough , not too long . Mr . M made it all the way through without much restlessness . During the intermission , I was scrounging my dollars and quarters than are always loose in my bulging purse , thinking I probably had enough to get Mr . M some popcorn to keep him occupied through the next half of the show . Yeah , right ! I had $ 4 and when the vendor came by , I asked him how much for a skinny , not - much - in - there box of popcorn . His response , " $ 7 . " My response , " Ha ha ha ha ! Never mind . " The vendor kind of smiled at me , like " I know , it 's crazy , " then went off down the aisle to give some to some poor sucker behind us . There were all sorts of over - priced souvenirs being paraded around the aisles during intermission . Coloring books for 5 $ ? I told the kids , " If you want some Disney pictures to color , I 'll print some for you when we get home . " They all nodded like that was such a great idea . Good kids . I scrounged around my purse some more and came up with a slightly smashed Milky Way for Mr . M which he was very happy to have . There were some very loud and pushy vendors in the arena , but once we left after the show , the vendors had lined the walkway to the parking garage and were extremely overbearing , pushing fairy wings , light - up spinners , flashing swords , and all kinds of foam hats . I told the kids , " Walk fast ! We 're being attacked ! " We made it safely to the van without any spontaneously ridiculous leakage of cash for crap , and went on our way . Seriously , I 'm not cheap , but when you win tickets to soemthing , isn 't the goal to see how great of a time you can have for free ? Total cost for our trip : $ 10 for parking , of course . While walking around the extremely expensive shops in Claremont near the kids ' art and cooking classes yesterday , a window display of glass chocolates caught my eye . They were beautiful ! I had to go in and out of the building several times and every time I purposely passed by the gallery window that displayed these chocolates . I am a passionate chocolate lover , only the good stuff satisfies so these truffles were very appealing to me . I don 't collect anything , but I cannot stop thinking about those glass chocolates and how perfect they would look on my desk , the one area I have to display my very favorite possessions without little hands grabbing them . I could never afford them all . But I want them . Even just one , resting in its brown paper , glistening and winking at me . Sigh . They 're delicious to look at . * * I want to do these chocolates justice . They are not that expensive . They are incredibly beautiful , even my husband was very impressed . These chocolates are very detailed and intricate . The rounded , shiny edges and dark , rich colors are truly amazing . This is a collectible item , something to possess just for it 's beauty . Look at the slideshow below . You 'll see what I mean . * * I found this looking for pictures of the chocolates . Lovely , just lovely . This is a great way to get reading next year ! It doesn 't seem like that many books until you actually try to do it ! BOOKS IN PROGRESS1 . War and Peace by Tolstoy ( audiobook ) which my mother and I plan to listen to while we knit together once a month . We call it our Knit Lit Day . ( This never got started and I now have a very fat copy of it on my nightstand - one chapter in ) 2 . Audiobook White Fang by Jack London . ( I listen while I knit ) . In progress . ( still ) 3 . Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes ( I 'm at the recipes part ) FINISHED BOOKS1 . The King of Torts by John Grisham - halfway done - a great weekend read ! Finished 1 / 5 / 102 . The Appeal 1 / 7 / 10 ( what else can be done when you have a sprained finger but reading ? ) 3 . 2 . The Appeal by Grisham ( a side goal of mine is to read every Grisham I haven 't read yet ) . 4 . 4 . King of Torts by John Grisham - halfway done - a great weekend read ! Finished 1 / 5 / 105 . Jane and the Unpleasantness at Scargrave Manor : Being the First Jane Austen Mystery by Barron , Stephanie ( K ) 6 . Secret Adversary by Agatha Christie ( K ) 7 . The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella ( K ) 8 . The Full Cupboard of Life : More from the No . 1 Ladies ' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 9 . The Kalahari Typing School for Men by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 10 . Morality for Beautiful Girls by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 11 . Tears of the Giraffe by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 12 . A Series of Unfortunate Events # 3 : The Wide Window by Lemony Snicket ( read while I was on the treadmill ) ( K ) 13 . A Series of Unfortunate Events # 2 : The Reptile Room by Lemony Snicket ( K ) 14 . Baby Bonanza by Maureen Child ( K ) ( my first free romance Kindle book ) 15 . Tillie , a Mennonite Maid ; a Story of the Pennsylvania Dutch by Helen Martin ( free K ) 16 . The No . 1 Ladies ' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith ( K ) 17 . Lies I Told My Children by Karen McQuestion ( K ) 18 . The Log - Cabin Lady - An Anonymous Autobiography ( K ) 19 . Bram Stoker 's Dracula by Bram Stoker ( K ) 20 . Ireland : A Novel by Frank Delaney ( K ) 21 . Born to Run by Christopher Mcdougall ( K ) So , I quite possibly have done something bad to my finger . It has gotten progressively more swollen throughout the day and alternates between cold and hot . It must have happened this morning while I was cleaning up the kitchen , but who knows . I was so incredibly focused on getting things done that I can 't even trace my steps to a moment of " ow , that hurt " . Okay , fine . I mention this to my husband late in the evening . He has to look at it . He has to compare the swelling to the index finger on the other hand . He asks what I did , I must have done something . Of course it 's swollen , he says , all that transcription you just did . Um , no . His solution ? " You should run it under some cold water . " LOL ! I really tried hard to maintain a straight face . How the heck will that help me ? Yes , the swelling may go down , if I apply ice , but seriously this was the lamest advice ever ! I am half - expecting him to wake up tomorrow and tell me that HIS finger hurts now . You know how men are . You know that if it had been HIS finger hurt that my response would have been , " You need to go to the doctor , " not something about cold water . If he finger had been hurt , he would have curled up on the couch and fallen asleep , woken up to eat dinner with his finger held high in the air , and basically been a big baby . You KNOW how men are . I made dinner . I typed about 10 1 - minute transcription reports . I taxied the kids to class , the park for PE , and the grocery store . My finger hurt the whole time . I even did some knitting at the park . Why , why can I just suck it up and keep going ? What if I did just flop down and wallow in it ? Nothing would get done ! But this also means that when I tell him I think I really hurt my finger he doesn 't take me seriously . I should go pound it with a hammer , go to the doctor and get a horrible diagnosis , then he would take me seriously , right ? I don 't want to burn out on my resolutions , so I 'm focusing on a few at a time . Tonight I gave my husband time alone at home to practice . His band has a big show on Wednesday night . I grabbed my knitting and my Dell Ditty which holds my audiobooks and hunkered down at Starbucks while the kids were at church for clubs . I got about 6 inches knitted while I listened to White Fang . The story is starting out good and I feel like the guy reading it is my friend already . I really , really enjoyed being out and knitting , listening to my book . That is the person I want to be , and slowly I am becoming her . Today I spent a few hours at the park with my younger two children who were happily playing with new friends on the park equipment . I was sitting in a sunny spot about 50 feet back from the playground reading a book . Occasionally I would look up and make sure the kids were still having a good time , and on one such glance , I noticed a butt crack . I was seated farther away from the play area , but most of the other parents were quite close , sitting on the grass with their feet in the sand . The butt crack I noticed belonged to a mom who sitting by the sand and was oblivious to the fact her butt crack was glaring . I 'm not sure why she didn 't know , since it was cool and breezy , but hey , whatever . My dilemma was do I tell her ? Do I wait for her to feel the exposure ? I was furthest back from everyone , so no one else had noticed . What would you have done ? I contemplated for a few minutes , then decided if it was me I would want to know ! So I told her . I walked up behind her , and realized that she was holding a small baby , so I bent down to her ear level and said quietly , " You should pull your shirt down a little in the back . " She was very grateful , thanked me and laughed a little , and in an effort to not embarrass her further , I made quick conversation with my kids and then headed back to my chair . I almost can 't believe I did that . I am ultra - nonconfrontational . To a fault . I don 't approach strangers at the park and tell them their private body part is winking at me . I wait , too long usually , and someone else does it . Not today ! Why not ? My husband couldn 't believe I did it . I 'm gald that I did . 1 . Finally I can start working on the Read 100 challenge ! I have a few books I have been waiting to get into because I wanted to count them towards my 100 books for 2010 . Also , my reading goals include reading every Grisham novel yet unread and the knit lit project I have going with my mother . 2 . My knitting goal for the year is to build my inventory and have a Christmas boutique at the end of 2010 . I also am working on learning how to make socks and hats , and baby blankets to donate . My third knitting goal is to knit 1 scarf in each pattern of the Chick Knit book I have . I have no WIP right now since I finished everything this week so as to start the New Year fresh . Yay for me ! 3 . Exercise . More . I love to hit the track and walk . It helps me mentally and also physically , obviously . I enjoy it a lot . Time is usually the only obstacle to my getting there . Also , one of my homies and I have several class sessions left for our step class we started last August . We 're back in class on Tuesday . When we finish that , we 're going to sign up for line dancing , woo - hoo ! I 'm also squeezing in an ab workout every day . It 's only 15 minuted and really intense . These are the basic improve - myself goals . I have others for my wife role , mom role , homeschool role . But I haven 't really gotten specific in those areas yet . I have all weekend . I love the new year .

Sorry it 's been a while . Crazy things going on . . . anyway , if I could have taken anyone along for the ride , it would have been you ! ( This excludes Erik , because he was there for most of it . ) Anyway , there are some bands I have gotten into in the past year , some concerts I went to , albums I bought . Ready ? Let 's go ! So it 's been a year since I wrote here , so I will try to sum it up as best as I can . I have gotten into some bands ( Volbeat , Haim , Sixx A . M , etc . ) that I never knew existed , or were new . I have also gotten more into bands I loved for a long time , like I saw SOiL twice ( more on that in just a second . ) I also went to Mayhem fest where I got to see Mushroomhead again , Ill Nino ( from afar ) Trivium , yet again . . . not complaining . Though I did not like the 2 headliners much the first time I have seen them ( though one I saw again and liked ) KoRn really impressed me , this time they brought it . Now the first time I saw Avenged Sevenfold , I was no where near impressed ( though they had just followed Adema , who I was a big fan of at the time . ) Well this time they didn 't have to lead in for Ozzy and whoever was before him ( I wanna say System of a Down , who I do not care for . ) They were headliner , they had their own set . It was a huge castle with pyro , and LCD screens in the back and a giant " king " on a throne of skulls . It was an amazing show , and they dedicated a song to Rev , it started pouring rain , and of course we were on the lawn . When I went to see SOiL the first time they seemed mad , and later we found out why . Well the first time was a chilli cook - off with no chilli , no beer , barely any food , and 2 stages that you had to shift back and forth to get to . Well apparently some of the bands were talked to about not getting paid . We found this out because at the second concert , we actually talked to the band ! I got to meet them . I got a picture with Ryan McCombs , and an autographed set list . Later on they sold an autographed vinyl record on their website for $ 12 , I had to snatch that up . It was just nice to actually talk with them and they seemed to be genuinely happy to talk to the fans , and I got to tell Ryan I talked to him on Facebook , he said " on purpose ? " As for new music , I bought both Slipknot , and Bob Seiger 's new album . I was so excited about Seiger , but when I listened to it the excitement kind of dropped . His notes are still well done and his lyrics aren 't what you would think coming from him . Though his voice has aged , still not as scary as John Fogerty when he sang with the Foo Fighters . The new Slipknot , however is full throttle smash faces in with baseball fun for all Slipknot fans . Corey really brings it , and doesn 't quit until the end . As much as I love concerts , I have not been able to go to all that I wanted to . I got tickets to Heart and Jason Bonham 's Zepplin experience , and was so excited . $ 15 to see an interesting concept AND a band I loved as a kid ? Why not ? Unfortunately , Erik got sick and decided it was best not to go , and as the planets aligned , as they sometimes do , and I got to take a date to the concert . Now she knows music , but is a Country fan . I thought this would be perfect , a way to show what I like . So as the Led Zepplin experience took the stage , they were playing , and I thought " not only did we arrive JUST in time , but they sound pretty damn good ! " I 'm sure if I closed my eyes , it would have been what I would have imagined what Zepplin sounded like back in the day . Though they only played 30 minutes , I thought it was an amazing venture into rock history , hearing Jason 's story , listening to the official backing drum track his dad laid down years ago , and getting to experience what it was like , I think the only thing that was more classic than this was seeing Black Sabbath with Bill Ward , ya know , before the screw job contract . As the opening band left the stage , the mood was set , it was getting dark , and it was exciting . Then all of a sudden , Nancy comes on and plays the riff to Barracuda . . . I think that was a gutsy move . Usually bands save their most popular or best work for later . As the concert went on , going on the recordings and word I have heard from people , I have heard Heart sucks live . Well the recording studio must have messed with the sound , and people must be hard critics . Nothing was farther from the truth ! From Nancy 's solos and her lead on " These Dreams , " to Ann 's always fantastic vocals , this is a concert to see ! I like that they played Alone , and a few songs I haven 't heard before . Nancy even sang an Elton John song ( I Need You to Turn to . ) As Ann said , " I am going to turn the microphone over now . " ( and she did just that and turned the mic backwards . . . Very funny . . . ) I hope they come back . I would LOVE Erik to see them , after his selfless action , and it was nice to see Heart gain a new fan . We had to leave early before the big group finally ( plus Jiffy Lube Live is a pain to get out of anyway . ) I heard the final songs as we left , but I don 't know how I would have felt about it if I stayed . . . I am a music snob , and need my covers to be great ( maybe that will be a next blog ? ) Anyway , I hope this isn 't a lackluster post , it is late and I could not sleep . . . I figured I would get this out of the way . Thanks for listening , and oh yeah . . . OOH BARRACUDA ! So to start this , I have to go back to the beginning . That 's a good place to start , OK , so when the album Pocket Full of Kryptonite came out , it was 1991 . In 1991 I was 8 , and my brother Erik and I went to private school . Now they didn 't have bus service , so someone had to drive us . While my dad liked oldies on 94 . 7 WARW ( I believe . . . hey , I 'm not a professional blog yet , I don 't have to have ALL my ducks in a row . ) When mom drove us though , it was Q107 . 3 ( they later went off the air , and became Mix 107 . 3 . The ones who sponsor the Fairfax fair concerts . ) Anyway , one of my favorite songs to come on was Two Princes ( when it made it as a single . ) Yes , at an early age , after I got out of the New Kids on the Block phase ( hey , I was young . It happens . . . shut up ! ) I had gotten more into bands like The Beatles , U2 , INXS , Genesis and the like . However the Spin Doctors always hit me as just a " cool " band . Almost the epitome of cool . The flow , the meanings ( what I could understand of the meanings anyway ) of their songs , were just awesome . So to present day ( I wanted to do that transition as boring as possible . Moving 22 years forward too fast might make a great law suit for you , but trust me . . . you won 't get much . ) I always look to see who is playing Fairfax Fair . I have seen the likes of Sugar Ray , The Smithereens , Rick Springfield , Collective Soul , Cheap Trick , and a few others . Now one year Blues Traveler came and I missed them , when I found out the Spin Doctors were coming , I was not going to miss this one . As soon as I heard they were going to be there at 4 : 30 , it was obvious what they were going to open with ( and it 's my favorite song of theirs , so I am not complaining . ) I was pumped , they sounded great , had a fantastic energy to them , and were totally on point ( unlike Smash Mouth . ) then they did Nice Talking to Me right after which was nice , considering I thought they were going to do something I didn 't know . Now one thing I get upset with at concerts ( Steve Winwood ) is when they only play new stuff . Spin Doctors played a lot of new stuff , and it was great . The trick is to mix it in with the old stuff to keep interest , and Spin Doctors did just the perfect blend of that . The new songs are really unique , without sounding like they sold out . When they did an old song , it was like meeting an old friend again after a long time ( either being away from the friend or you were too drunk to remember you saw them recently . ) But yes , I suggest seeing them because of the energy , and the full on sound all together . Even with the very talented Eric Schenkman singing , I think that was one of the best performances I have seen , and the tickets were cheap , double positive ! This is where I would usually end the blog , but there 's more ! During the concert Chris said they were going to be at the tent and to come say hi . The thing is , you didn 't even have to buy anything ! Of course that came with the guilt trip of their kids having to eat cardboard . . . But I digress . I got in line right during the encore because I knew the line was going to be long , because I have met bands ( Hootie and the Blowfish , Disturbed , Otep , Strapping Young Lad ) before , and as they showed up and I looked back , yup . . . long line . As I headed up all I really had was a free hat I received from the government that said " Recycle " and had the Fairfax website on it . I asked if they would autograph it , and there was no problem at all . In fact , Chris wrote the band logo on it and said " there , now it 's a spin doctors hat ! " I asked for a pic , and Eric said " ask the man in the tie . His name is Bob . " Yes , I 'm a music nerd and knew for a fact that Chris Barron 's name isn 't Bob . I got the picture and left on cloud 9 . So for some of the meet and greets , I had to pay $ 20 , Spin Doctors and Hootie and the Blowfish are the 2 I have done that were the nicest and most down to Earth groups I have met . As dad said , they treated their fans like they were human . Anyway , great energy , nice style , and just plain fun . When people were leaving because it was raining , I laughed . I threw my " Spin Doctors " hat in the closet on a top shelf so nothing ruins it , and posted the picture on Facebook ( I want to print it out to frame it ) and all is well . So until next idea or concert ( I will try to post more . . . ) I will see you next time , until then . . . Keep hitting the HIGH NOTES ! ( now where are those damn ducks ? ) Who doesn 't love a greatest hits ? ( Other than bands who think it means " we 're done . " ) All the best songs from that band / artist all on one CD , or 2 or 3 . . . or volumes ( lookin ' at you Eagles . . . ) Anyway , have you ever thought a band or artist shouldn 't have a greatest hits , or they have 60 of them ? It becomes preposterous , yet for some reason you can 't help but buy it . I had many conversations with people , and they would tell me " I hate it when a band puts a new song on the greatest hits album . It 's kind of arrogant and overzealous , thinking it 's going to be a hit . . . " Well look at Boston , they went through the 70 's and 80 's , and fell apart , and when Brad went to other bands , and Fran Cosmo took over in the 90 's when Tom decided to do his own thing . When Brad came back to the band , they had 2 singers . Well , they weren 't done and wanted to show they were recording more music , so instead of the fans losing interest in what would be a record in 6 years , they added Tell Me ( a song that would have been a good fit to close Walk On ) and Higher Power , a soulful new outlook on what was to come out of Brad 's and Fran 's and Tom 's think tank of music and show they weren 't down for the count . Some bands refuse to put out a greatest hits , they feel it 's a death sentence . Now when a band makes a ton of greatest hits , and super hits , and whatever , and suckers ( me ) will buy it . " Chicago and Beach Boys have a new greatest hits ? Who would buy that ? Oh . . . it 's only $ 5 ? OK . " I mean I have 2 copies of Boston 's greatest hits because for one I thought I lost it , and it had the songs from Corporate America , But it 's better to buy the collection for some bands . I could not imagine a Metallica or Beatles greatest hits ( " 1 " does not count . ) Look at Led Zepplin , they have a 4 disk greatest hits ( not talking box set . ) Kiss has a box set , but they also have double platinum and a few greatest hits , but it just doesn 't feel right . The Eagles can get away with it because they had a career , broke up and got back together , and they had time to mature . If you listen to the two volumes , you can see it . One band I could see doing this is Pink Floyd . Their songs are long and intricate that they could do so , but they didn 't . Now one greatest hits I saw that irked me was Notorious B . I . G . I think the fans would be better off getting the entire series of albums . So think of greatest hits as you will , sometimes it cheapens a band , or just isn 't right , but sometimes there are some good ones . Now compilations are another thing , so maybe we can get into those next time , until then , keep hitting the HIGH NOTES . Posted by So it 's been a while , I haven 't had much to say , and I have been super busy . I hope to start this up again regularly and bore ALL of you again ! So I went to see Alice Cooper and Iron Maiden ( yes . . . Maiden again . ) I believe I have mentioned before about how I had the chance to see Cooper and missed out . Anyway if I didn 't , short version is I went to get free tickets and couldn 't get the tickets to get to the show . When he opened he was singing Black Widow . . . which caught me off guard for I was expecting " Hello , Hooray . " Anyway he played a lot of his good songs . He played " No more Mr . Nice Guy , " and of course " Feed My Frankenstein " and " School 's Out . " It was nice that he did the decapitation / I love the dead bit , and during School 's Out he incorporated " Another Brick in the Wall " and yelled " EXPLOSION ! " before the confetti cannon went off . All the guys did great , good to see Ryan Roxie back , and Orianthi is a fantastic guitarist . I have seen Maiden 3 times and do believe I blogged about them at an earlier time . Unfortunately with the loss of time I did not do this blog when it was fresh and lost a little , but what I did do , was got Alice Cooper 's new CD . I like that he has the surviving original members when Alice Cooper was a band , not an artist . People like Kip Winger , Ke $ ha , and Rob Zombie / John 5 make an appearance too . I like this album and like they didn 't make a sequel to Along Came a Spider . . . because they could not really go anywhere with the concept album . . . though I am made of you would have worked for that too . On other topics , everyone was talking about a new Aaliyah song . I looked it up because her final album was produced a while after her death , and I thought they said she finished most of the vocals before making Queen of the Damned and had more mixing to oversee ( though I don 't doubt the production style of Timbaland . ) I thought the producer 's used all her unused music to finish the album . . . which unfortunately the break between QotD and her going to film her music video was when the accident happened . I 'm sure the movie would have been better and she would have had more albums out and R & B / Hip Hop wouldn 't have partially died with her . I was thinking tonight , I thought " could you imagine if Facebook was created in the 50 's ? " There is a song by a group called Friend and Lover , it 's called Reach Out of the Darkness ( yes , the song says reach out in the darkness . . . but the title is R . . . actually , I think I covered this before . ) Anyway the lyric is " I knew a man that I did not care for , and then one day this man gave me a call . We sat and talked about things on our mind , and now this man , he is a friend of mine . " Could you imagine changing the lyric to this man sent me a friend request ? Kinda creepy if ya think about it . If that were to happen , what sort of creepy things would we be singing about today ? I 'm kind of in a 90 's mood tonight , but I regress the decades every once in a while , and one of the things that is weird is I was listening to Ugly Kid Joe , and how that song seems . . . forgotten . I like the big forget you song . . . yes , even C - lo ! One thing I haven 't messed around with on here is rap . I am not the biggest rap fan , but I like the rap songs that are actually rap songs , not this mumbly random beat stuff , I like Naughty by Nature 's Pin the Tail on the Donkey for instance . Anything by Run DMC is good too , but I tell you what absolutely amazes me still . . . the crossovers , Run DMC and Aerosmith 's walk this way for one , they both knocked down the door of the rock rap border . Next people like Anthrax and Public Enemy go together and make Bring the Noise . it 's just nice to hear both styles in tune with each other . Don 't get me wrong , I like Anthrax by themselves , but when they collaborated with Gene and Paul for Love Her all I Can , it was cheesy . I just think this lead to bands like the early 311 , and the like . Now a collaboration I am not to keen on is Lionel Ritchie doing all his old songs with country stars . I don 't mind country , but I like Lionel better . I was happy to see he did a new CD , just to find it 's stuff I can get off my CD . . . if I can find it . I lose CDs all the time . Now a lot of people ask me " why does someone your age like and listen to these old songs ? " Well it 's simple , I grew up with them . Mom always played the 80 's / 90 's mix , Dad was stuck in the 50 's , 60 's and sometimes 70 's , and well my stepfather is . . . crazy , so I was always around that . I had to discover new music by myself . . . which wasn 't easy because in 6th grade my radio occasionally got DC101 , which is / was the grunge / punk 90 's stuff and they still keep pretty true to it . So I just find it funny when someone is confused with my music tastes . . . So it seems my excitement was misconstrued , as the four members of the original Black Sabbath will not be doing the CD and tour . Bill Ward has pulled out because he was not given a " signable " contract that made him look respectable as an original member . They do not give any more detail on specifics , but it sounds like they were given separate contracts , and if this is true then that was a bad idea . I don 't understand who would think that was a good idea , this is what breaks bands up in the first place . I believe KISS had the best contract idea of splitting everything straight down the middle , Equal divide , yet I understand why the contracts happen , if Bill or Geezer writes a lyric , and / or the music and no one else pitches in , then all the other members get paid just as much , it 's unfair . Though it 's hard to live with a band that you have been dealing with for years , and have someone you fired in the 70 's rejoining it can get flustering . I guess as a Sabbath fan I was just excited , and this got to me . I just wonder who they are going to get to replace him on drums . I would hope it 's not someone who doesn 't fit the bill , or can 't do the job , or a studio drummer . . . I don 't know what would be worse . Now what I would like is having Ward to sign the contract , but I guess the fans can 't have everything . When I saw Sabbath , it was an amazing experience , I was thinking ( as I stated in a previous blog ) I was seeing a band that many had not received the chance to see , or lied to their parents to see . . . or even ( eww ) people were conceived at their concert ( people that were may have even been at that same concert I was . ) Oh well , we will see , and only time will tell . Anyway I have been cursing new music , a lot of boy bands ( speaking of which , the boy band One Direction is being sued by another band with the same name ) and stuff that doesn 't reach my interest ( Lionel Richie singing his classic songs with country singers , or Nicki Manaj , Train or Keane . ) I finally broke down and bought ( along with some classic music ) Pighammer by Wayne Static . It 's a solid album and I like it so far , wouldn 't expect anything less from Wayne . Hard core fast guitars , booming bass and vocals , and drum sounds , it 's like sadistic , evil disco . It 's a concept album about a guy who kidnaps women and attaches pig noses to them . As Wayne said in an interview , " The ' Pighammer ' concept conjures up bizarre images , " Static explains . " It 's about a mad plastic surgeon , with a pig fetish , that likes to convert hot chicks into pigs . It is the total opposite of what a plastic surgeon would do . He has this crazy hammer device made from a pig foot . The images of the surgery in the CD package are only a dark comedic visualization of the real theme of the album , which is my transformation . " If you like Static - X , or that style of music , I suggest checking it out . It 's quite interesting . Until next time , keep hitting the HIGH NOTES . Posted by

Right , so you 've had your fun , America , but it 's time we had a serious talk . Yes , that talk . About your Donald . In order for this to work , I 'm going to have to be honest with you . I hope that 's ok , because I don 't want to upset you . I may use language that will offend some . This will not be over quickly . You will not enjoy this . I am - wait , hang on . Those aren 't my lines . Ah , here they are . Yes . Sorry . I 'll have to say some things you may not want to hear . Sometimes the truth hurts , but in the end you 'll be the better for it . As will the world . So take a deep breath , maintain an open mind , and read on . Yes , all of it . It started out as something for the rest of us to laugh about . You had this candidate who was some sort of celebrity in the States , some guy who did a reality TV show , and he was saying some ridiculous things about , well , about anything and everything , about the other candidates , about himself , about politics , about the world . Things no one could really take seriously , and it was obvious that it was just a publicity stunt , just a small … I mean , average - sized middle finger towards the politicians in Washington , who 've grown stale and cynical and petty , obsessed with their little power games , who have perverted politics and turned it from something that is supposed to help the people of one of the biggest countries into something that only helps the politicians and the lobbyists and the large corporations who are willing to pour money into it to get their way , whether it 's good for anyone other than themselves or not . I chuckled when my kids , who aren 't really interested in politics - not even Australian politics , let alone world affairs - asked me whether a guy who said those kinds of outrageous things could actually become president over there in faraway America . " Don 't be silly , " I told them , " there are millions of people over there , there 's no way he can fool that many . He 'll drop out of the race soon , thinking he made his point , but no one is taking him seriously . " Because deep down , I knew that there were three types of people who would support a man of his ilk : An election anywhere is almost never about just one or two issues . It 's about a whole bunch of them . Only parochial idiots pick just one or two issues on which to base their decision which way they 'll vote . Sadly , America has many , many more such parochial idiots than I 'd suspected . Not you , of course - you 're still listening ( well , reading ) , so you 're clearly not parochial , and you 're comprehending most of what I say , so you clearly can 't choose the wine in front of … apologies , mixed up my lines again ( inconceivable ! ) . I meant , you 're not that stupid . But there is an astounding number of people in group # 1 . The same goes for group # 2 . A frightening number of them , too . I suppose in a nation that large , a nation that doesn 't attempt to suppress free speech and free will ( no , no , I also think those are good things , calm down ) , there have to be many who take their opinion to the extreme . Now the next part may be difficult for Americans to understand . I 'll try to break it to you gently . You 're sitting down ? Good . You see , we - the vast majority of the rest of the rational world , that is - actually think Obama is a really good president . And we think Drumpf - I mean , Trump - well … hey , do you remember Chernobyl ? Let 's start with the second part of that - you really should learn to care what we think of you . You 're part of the world , too , and just the same way as kids grow up and become more mature and learn that the world doesn 't revolve around them and that they have their rights but also their responsibilities , and that certain compromises have to be made so that everyone can get along , so you , too , need to learn that you 're part of Planet Earth 's big family , and with the sandpit becoming more and more crowded , you don 't want to be the kid that no one wants to play with , do you ? Yes , it 's very important that you get your own affairs in order , but do you really think you need to shut everyone else out in order to do so ? As for the first part , about you being the greatest nation on earth … you 're still sitting down , right ? Well , aaactually … you 're not . Not really . Sorry . Don 't get upset , now , I warned you about this , remember ? We still like you and respect you . Let me explain . You 've done some really great things for this world - yes , you make most of the best movies over there , good example , but I also meant technologically and scientifically - but in some other respects , you 're kind of - remember what I said about not getting upset , okay ? - you 're kind of the barbarians among , for lack of a better expression , the " civilised nations " . How can I say that ? Well , think about it . The death penalty . Do you really think it 's helping with your crime rates ? At all ? Do some research yourself - please . It 's barbaric , it 's inhumane , it 's uncivilised . Your obsession with guns is another one . No , hang on now - I understand about your second amendment rights , but do you even remember what time these rights came from , and why they were added to your constitution ? Fighting violence with more violence , really ? This isn 't the Wild West anymore , you know . Look at other countries , look at how they 've managed to make it work without everyone owning guns . No , no , their crime rates are actually lower , because - Okay . Uh - huh . You see , in other countries they - You don 't want me to explain ? All right . We 'll have to agree to disagree on that one , then . Don 't shoot me . The ship has sailed for group # 2 , that is , the alt - right white supremacists and the other gun - toting idiots who 'd like nothing better than to be able to shoot everyone who 's different from them . They 're beyond hope . All we can do for group # 1 is to hope that someone slightly smarter than they are has the patience and / or the clout to explain to them how they 're wrong , or that they 'll finally get the drift that they 're on the losing side , and in their finite wisdom decide they 'd rather back a winner . No , my appeal would be to group # 3 , and my argument would be three - fold . ( What ? Oh , it means I have three main points . You 're welcome . ) Firstly , I 'd like to point out that the " Fuck you ! " has been heard loud and clear in Washington . Change won 't come overnight , but keep sending that message ( no , without voting Trump , dammit ! ) , and change will happen . It 's a worthy message - just please use a different envelope . The Brits tried to send that message , and it worked a bit too well . So well , in fact , that the first thing they tried to do once they realised that their " Fuck you ! " vote had won and they 'd be cleaning up the mess it caused for years , they wanted to re - vote because , well , they hadn 't really been serious about actually winning . Your " Fuck you ! " could backfire on America much more spectacularly than the Brexit . Secondly , have you actually listened to Donald talk ? I mean , not just to play point - and - laugh - actually listened to his messages ? With anything approaching a triple - digit IQ , you should 've long ago figured out that he 'll say anything he thinks you want to hear . He obviously has no scruples , no conscience , no morals . He has an uncanny knack for knowing what people fear , and he loves to stoke that fear . He constantly thinks he can get away with spouting one outrageous lie after another , and whenever faced with clear evidence that he is wrong , he 'll just resort to calling everyone else liars . He calls himself a winner because he 's trampled on , bullied and cheated people , and used his father 's money and influence to get to where he is . Do I even need to mention his bankruptcies ? Or the ugly things he 's been saying about women , about Mexicans , about African Americans , and who knows what other groups ? Now , given all that … is that really the sort of person you want running and representing your country ? You want him to blunder his way through delicate diplomatic channels when lives are at stake ? Butter up an unbelievably dangerous leader like Putin , not realising what he 's doing ? Rip to shreds agreements about climate change that are finally putting us in the vicinity of having a chance to save our planet ? Offend nations by groping the women in their delegations ? ( Because if he believed he can get away with that when he was just a real estate tycoon , what 's he going to think he can get away with once he 's President ? ) Throw entire international markets into turmoil and gamble with other people 's money because of his unpredictable nature ? ( Think I 'm kidding ? Read some serious articles that explain why he 's the biggest danger to international stability the world has ever faced . ) My grandfather fought in World War II . For Germany , actually . Yeah , he was a Nazi when he was young . He 's passed away years ago , but I remember speaking to him about it , and him shaking his head in shame , saying that it all sounded so believable and convincing what the guy was saying , and that for the longest time he 'd held on to the belief that all the ugly things they were hearing about their national hero couldn 't possibly be true . There was a guy who was going to " make Germany great again " , they thought . You may not see them , but there are so many parallels there , it 's scary . Seriously scary . Don 't be caught in a situation where something bad happens that you did nothing to stop and suddenly it 's an out - of - control train wreck and all you can do is watch . And despair . So , in the name of all that is good and right in this world , I beg you : please , let common sense prevail . No matter what you think of Hillary , she can 't be worse than Donald . Impossible . This many awesome celebrities can 't be wrong . Today is officially " R U OK ? Day " . And , as much as I despise the Twitter - gen shortening of two already - quite - short words , this is the first time I feel like I can identify with it . Not that I 'm suicidal or anything like that , but I do feel as though I 've been through the wringer a bit . If you don 't know , R U OK is an organisation founded in Sydney in 2009 that attempts to fight suicide and depression by getting people to ask each other a simple question , " Are you ok ? " To really ask , and to listen to the answer , and to dig a little if needs be to find out whether someone is really doing ok , or maybe struggling with some issue or other . One of the critical factors in depression and how people deal with it is a sense of disconnection from others around them . Talking about it can be the first step in the right direction , and as with so many things , we have a dedicated day ( the second Thursday in September ) to remind us about it , but of course it 's a good idea all year round . I 'm a geek ; I write software and websites , server - side programming , user interfaces , Agile development , that sort of thing . Might sound boring to some , but I love it , and I 'm very good at what I do . For many years , I 've successfully worked in the IT industry as a contractor , meaning I hire out my services to companies or organisations who need my expertise . Contracting has its pros and its cons over being a permanent employee ( permie ) . You get paid quite well , and you get paid by the hour - no fixed annual salary - meaning if there 's a deadline and more than 40 - hour weeks or 8 - hour days are required to meet it , you get paid accordingly . ( Quite often in the IT industry , as a permie , you 're expected to work more than the number of hours you 're expected to work as per your work contract . ) Of course , if the place you work for runs out of work , you 're among the first that get the boot . You also don 't get paid leave - if you get sick or want to take a holiday , you don 't earn money . So you typically get paid for about 42 - 46 weeks per year , but the higher rates more than make up for that . Before my most recent contract , I 'd contracted for six employers , and in each case was offered multiple contract extensions , typically in 3 - , 6 - , or 12 - month chunks . I 've been offered permanency , and in a couple of cases worked for the same company for several years . In three cases I was asked to come back ( and did ) when they had new work and knew that I was familiar with their systems and could hit the ground running to help out where it was most needed . I had great relationships with those employers , and still keep in touch with several of them ( they 're great references when I apply for a new job ) . Then my employer ran out of work for me , and I applied for a contract with … let 's call them Company XY . It was supposed to be a one - off two - and - a - half - month contract for a small piece of work with technology I was familiar with . Such short - term contracts aren 't usually my thing , but the timing was right with one week off after the end of the previous one , and I signed a contract with them via a recruitment company . It was a slow start , I had to wait two or three days before I had a PC set up at my new workplace and could log into every system I needed to . I was told that they didn 't have a business analyst ( BA ) on this project , as the technical architect knew everything there was to know about the business requirements , and had written an extensive document detailing everything . I got to work , found that the code base was an awful ugly mess written and modified by several different people over time who all had a knack for different anti - patterns . Well , I can deal with that , did some cleanup as I worked my way into the code and became familiar with what it was that they wanted me to do . Until I found that the architect 's document had a logical flaw in it . It had a diagram ( a flow chart ) with text below explaining the logic , only the diagram and the text contradicted each other . I talked to the architect , showed him the document , and asked - always professional , always polite , at least that 's what I thought - which one was right , i . e . which version to implement . He disagreed that there was even a discrepancy , got confused when I explained my unit tests to him , and told me to just do what the document said . In hindsight , I suppose the guy felt I 'd stepped on his toes , or challenged his authority or something , even though I never brought this up in meetings with the project manager . After two and a half weeks , I 'd completed roughly 80 % of the work for which they 'd allocated two and a half months , and was getting to the point where I really needed a decision on which version of the logic to implement . I tried several different approaches with the architect , finally creating a spreadsheet with a matrix defining all the possibilities and filling it in based on one of the two possible interpretations . He said I had it all wrong , created a matrix of his own , and when I went to his desk to tell him that I now got what the misunderstanding had been , he gruffly told me to " Go away ! " I explained to the recruiter what I thought had happened , and asked to talk to the project manager and other people , to at least tell my side of the story , but the company refused to communicate with me , except to tell the recruiter that their decision was final . I received an email from the recruiter where he 'd copied - and - pasted the reasons they had given for the contract termination , and they were all bogus . It seems they weren 't confident that I could complete the required work in time ( I was close to done , with plenty of time left ) , and something about a lack of communication that didn 't register enough for me to even remember it now . I guess the project manager had bought whatever the architect was saying about me , and some other factors played into it as well that I 'll get to later . In a daze , I arranged for a friend of mine ( who still works there ; I 've known him for years ) to get my security pass and to tell him what stuff I 'd left on my desk . I was sick of it all , sick to the stomach , literally and figuratively . I decided I needed a bit of time off , didn 't feel like looking for other work right away . I binge - watched some series , played computer games , read some books - anything to keep my mind occupied , keep it from having to figure out what I 'd done wrong and what I should do about it . More time passed than I 'd intended , and by the time I started browsing job opportunities again , I had so little enthusiasm for a job that 's always been my passion that I didn 't put as much effort into it as I should have . It took about three months before I found another job - as a permie now for the first time in many years , because I 'm too scared to sign on as a contractor where they can do that sort of thing to me . I feel much better about myself again , but I can 't deny that it was a pretty dark time . Part of that shadow still hangs over me somewhere , and will take longer yet to shake off completely . I 'm a very lucky person in that my wife is the most wonderful , most selfless , most loving person in the world . Without her constant encouragement , without her support , I would 've become lost in my darkness . She knows me so well , knows when to let me sulk or lick my wounds , when and how to cheer me up , when to let me know with a quiet look that she 's always there for me . I can easily see how someone 's downward slide could continue without that type of support . Of all days , today ( even if I technically posted this just after midnight … ) , on R U OK ? Day , I had a chat with a colleague at my new place of work . Guess where she 's worked before ? Yep - Company XY . Guess which architect once made her cry at work , and made a former colleague of hers almost have a nervous breakdown ? It 's a small world . I learned from her that said architect has six children at home and a wife who is seriously ill . I 'm glad I talked to that colleague today , though . I 'm glad she didn 't just say , " Oh , that 's nice , " and changed the subject when I told her I 'd briefly worked for Company XY . She was really curious , and concerned , and sympathetic when I told her my story . I 'm glad I opened up to someone I normally would not have opened up to . A few weeks ago , I finally reached out to my Dad , who lives overseas , about what I was going through . It wasn 't easy , telling him that I wasn 't doing so well , that I was struggling with something . But I 'm so glad I did . It was another pillar of support , and he gave me some great advice , part of which was that I should write about what happened . Even if no one ever reads it , he said , it 's important to get things off your chest , if nothing else , then to simply be able to put a mental " The End " under that chapter of your life . Wise man . Well … no . Like this moron person in New Zealand , you completely missed the point . Ever heard of symbolism ? ( Sorry , I don 't usually disparage people . Officially . But those who put down and rant against a global event due to willful ignorance , and because they think they 're already doing the right thing , well , they kinda deserve it . They deserve a counter - rant . ) And that 's really what it 's about . Raising awareness . Getting people to quit yapping for just one hour about all their oh - so - bothersome first - world problems . Get them to remember that , the way we 're going , our planet 's use - by date is fast approaching . Change the world , so that one day , instead of people rolling their eyes at those who speak up and suggest we all do something , the kids of today who 'll be making the decisions by then will roll their eyes at those few ( hopefully very few ) who are still too lazy to get off their butts to do something about the world we live in and think it 's Someone Else 's Problem . Read what it 's all about , and what an amazing difference the WWF - sponsored event has made last year , at http : / / earthhour . org . Donate , if you want , and if you can afford to . Just don 't bury your head in the sand . If you really don 't believe any of this can make any difference ( have you watched the video ? ! ? ) , at least don 't rain on everyone else 's parade . My Earth Hour in Perth , Western Australia , starts in an hour and a half , at 8 : 30 pm local time . I 'll be turning my lights off . How about you ? My wonderful daughter is now 17 ( man , that makes me feel old ! ) and in her final year of high school . She recently went on her Year 12 retreat , and the school asked every student 's parents to secretly write them a letter , which they would all receive one evening while they were away . They 'd be given time to read it in private and to respond with a letter of their own . I cherish every word of what she wrote back to me , but while I wouldn 't dream of publishing her words , I 'd like to share what I wrote to her . If I said that I 've loved and adored you ever since the moment I helped deliver you out of the safety and warmth of your mother 's womb , and caught you , and placed you in Mum 's arms , and cut the cord , and welcomed you into this world … then that wouldn 't be true . Because , well , I already loved everything I knew about you even before you were born . We had some great conversations while Mum was still pregnant with you ( even though I did most of the talking and your contributions consisted mostly of kicking and punching and doing somersaults ) . I played you my favourite music by holding headphones against Mum 's belly , which of course is the sole reason you have such excellent taste in music even today . Then , you were finally born , and so … perfect . You were there to comfort me with your bright , curious gaze - never once crying , just studying the strange being whose voice you already knew - when Mum needed an operation right after you were delivered and I was so worried that you might be an only child . It all turned out well , but I was so thankful you were there with me . Every step you made , every breath you tade … er , took , I loved every moment of watching you grow up . You see , it wasn 't just that you were so cute ( and , oh my goodness , were you ever cute ! ) , but also that you allowed me to experience the entire world through the eyes of a young child again . All the glorious beauty of God 's creation , and I 'd become so accustomed to everything that I didn 't really appreciate it anymore … until you showed it to me again . What a gift ! In return , I wanted to share everything that I liked with you . If I saw a movie that was really moving , or funny , or exciting , I thought , " Ooh , I 'm going to watch this one with Debbie when she 's < X > years old ! " If I read a book that was really good , I thought , " Oh boy , I hope she 'll become an avid reader and devour books by the truckload . " ( And lo and behold , it came to be thus . ) Well , all right - I can 't take all the credit for everything . Nearly everything , though . Yeah , of course Mum was always there to spoil you as well , so … almost nearly everything , then . ( Now stop being so nitpicky and let me enjoy this ! ) And spoil you we did , but , right from the start , one of my goals was to help you be the best you you could possibly be . One of the most important traits I taught you was to be critical . I 'd tell you things , even before you could properly reply more than yes or no ( but , wow , you understood so much already ! ) , and then ask a question that challenged what I 'd just told you . Somehow , you just didn 't let me fool you . So many milestones * along the way . Having a little brother , then another . Experiencing the wonders of having pets , and of having them pass away . Kindy , pre - school , primary school , secondary school , changing school , making new friends . Becoming a teenager , lying to your parents , reconciling . The first boyfriend ( whom I somehow didn 't even kill … no guarantees about the next one , though ) , your first break - up . Braces . Your first job . Becoming a mature young woman ( you were always way more mature than most others your age ) . ( * Disclaimer : Events may not necessarily be in chronological order . Events in rear - view mirror may seem more or less significant than they really were , depending . On stuff . ) And now , and now … you 're still and will always be Daddy 's little girl , but you 're also a wonderful young woman , so full of confidence - and rightly so - in her ability to handle whatever the world throws at her . Seventeen now , # ohmigoshohmigosh # howdidtimeflysofast ? ! ? You 're old enough to watch horror movies with us , old enough to laugh at all my dirty jokes that I had to bottle up for years before you would 've understood them ( even if you cringe at some of them , you love it ! ) , old enough to write your own stories ( which are getting better so fast it 's scary ) , old enough to have your L - plates and later this year your P - plates . Soon you 'll be old enough to vote ! Your journey in your final year in secondary school will end a chapter in your life that will seem smaller and smaller as you move on and open new chapters over time , but you should always be proud of all that you 've achieved and accomplished and become during this impressionable time . I know I am and will always be proud of you . Your sharp mind is a weapon , use it to beat life into submission . You can be anything you want to be , because you 've been handed these most important attributes by Mum and me : awesome brains , the heart of an artist and a poet , a killer sense of humour , and a smile that can melt any heart . There shouldn 't be any situation where the things we 've handed down are not enough , but if there ever is … I 'll be there for you . This is as warm as it gets in Norway , so we 'll start here . People in Spain wear winter - coats and gloves . The Norwegians are out in the sun , getting a tan . Posted by Amos M . Carpenter This gallery contains 16 photos . To start the new year , I thought I 'd try out a new theme for my blog . I 'm not 100 % happy with it ( Mystique ) , and it hasn 't been updated for a couple of years so I may run into trouble later , but it 'll do for now . The only problem was : I 'd have to get a new header [ … ] … that America and the UK need to stop hanging on to their confusing versions of the imperial system of units and finally go metric ( your medical and military people are doing it … no , not with each other , I mean they use the metric system ) . Also , the US need to stop insisting on formatting dates with the middle value followed by the smallest value followed by the largest value . WTF ? Oh , while you 're at it , guys , fix where punctuation goes on quotes that are less than a " complete sentence " . … that installing a piece of software on my PC or an app on my phone doesn 't give it the right to do things like collect data about me without my explicit agreement , to not give me a choice of when it can dial home or check for updates , or to access any information on my system it doesn 't absolutely need to function . Worst offenders being companies like Apple , Microsoft , and Adobe , but also increasingly " do - no - evil " Google . ( I love Cyanogen ! ) … that following another blog without really being interested in what it 's about , i . e . just to get them to follow you back , is akin to lying . Thanks to all those who do occasionally read my humble scribblings , and I hope to find more time to read all your blogs . ( I _ am _ interested in those I follow ! I just roll my eyes whenever someone new follows me whose blog is about " making money by blogging " or the like . ) For now , though , my aim is simply to have ( not necessarily build ) a platform while I focus on writing my book . Building my platform will come later , when I have more time for that sort of thing … . … that WordPress needs to finally find a way to fix the " invalid certificate " bug that causes security errors . I keep forgetting that certain things only work in certain browsers because of it , and that it sometimes causes my " likes " of other blogs to be lost . Not cool ! … that everyone should take grammar seriously . Not just grandpa . All jokes aside , don 't let our language decay because people have to fit everything into 140 characters . Do your part , write things out , learn how it 's done right without needing a spell checker , and gently educate those who fall short . Or , like , mercilessly correct them , or … whatever . … that it 's about time I stepped off this soap box . Ahem . Sorry for ranting , but occasionally it 's nice to get this sort of stuff off my chest . Now somebody give me a hand getting down , it 's higher than it looks . Huh ? What do you mean , the microphone wasn 't on ? ! ? My dilemma for the past couple of weeks has been that I couldn 't decide whether I wanted to blog in support of Sarah Daltry or one … well , warning about her . I 've been trying to weigh both sides of the story , since I felt it was worth a blog post , but simply couldn 't decide . Supporting either side felt , and still feels , wrong . When I moped about it to my wife , she - wisely , as always - told me that there 's nothing wrong with continuing to sit on the fence if neither side appears palatable . Honestly , that felt good . I 'd done the right thing , stood up for what I believed was right and smote ( well , with words ) what I believed was wrong . And I was being thanked for it . I was under no illusions that my words had pulled Sarah back from the brink of darkness or anything that dramatic , but I was sincerely glad to hear she was doing better and writing once again . Someone who 'd had that many bad things happen to her ( bullying , via bad reviews as well as emails and on social media , rape , poverty , depression , suicide attempts … ) surely deserved my help . To my surprise , what I discovered next was quite a different story . Rather than the social media outrage I 'd expected at an author being bullied , the first three results of googling " Sarah Daltry " were her author pages on goodreads . com ( with quite a favourable rating ) , her own site , and amazon . com , followed by a blog post by a site that seemed dedicated to stopping bullying on goodreads , except … that one was not supportive of her at all . Instead , just four days after Sarah published her open letter to bullies , it claimed to have sufficient information to take the stance that the whole thing was just a PR stunt to promote her work : Wait , I thought , aren 't you guys supposed to be trying to stop the bullying rather than adding to it ? I read through this post with skepticism sitting heavy on my shoulders , but starting to slip as I found out that she 'd reversed her decision to take down her site and her self - published books . Reading through the comments , people seemed to be quite willing to get right back to bashing Sarah ( or was it " back " ? ) . Either way , I feel I have a right to be outraged . I think . I 'm just really reluctant to direct my outrage at anyone unless I can be sure that , when I get down from my fence , I land on the right side . Why does the " stopthegrbullies " site not post the " evidence " that proves who Sarah Daltry is ? Is it really because of a promise to those who gave them that information , to protect them from Sarah using her other personas ( " socks " ) to write bad reviews about them ? Even if she abused sympathy to sell her books , making Sarah sound like an evil kingpin with that much power doesn 't quite gel . Why did the " stopthegrbullies " site remove commenters ' last names and links to their websites ? Because of " trolls stalking their blog " to protect the commenters , really ? Sorry , but that seems far - fetched to me . By the same token as their argument about Sarah 's " socks " , some of those commenters who were " convinced " could then well have been the site owners themselves . What do you think ? Or know ? Have I missed any major information ? Am I being silly in not being able to reach a conclusion , one way or the other ? Should I just " let it go " and stop fretting ? I 've mentioned previously that our new kitten " Shadow " has been a welcome distraction in our household after our older cat passed away . As threatened promised , here are a few pictures of him . Beware : continuing to read this post may lead to uncontrollable utterings of " Aaaawwww ! " and the like . You have been warned .

Spending time in a speeding cigar tube full of people , generally on their worst behavior , is generally not my idea of a good time . First , as most of you know , I hate people . Secondly , I 'm old and I remember when air travel used to be an occasion . People would dress up to get on a plane - it was an event . It was glamorous . It was also incredibly expensive . Today , air travel has been democratized . Prices are low , people rarely give a second thought to hopping on a plane . Of course , there 's the whole situation with the TSA . This is not the place to discuss that . I 'm more interested in talking about what goes on inside the plane , after we 've all boarded . Lately , every flight I 've been on is full . Not just full , but FULL , as in every seat is occupied . Gone are the days when I would get onto a plane after a hard week 's work in New York , and the flight attendant would take one look at me and gently guide me to an entire row of seats and hand me enough blankets and pillows to make a nest for myself so that I could sleep the whole way home to Los Angeles . Nowadays , I find myself sitting bolt upright in one seat , hopefully on the aisle , praying that the middle seat next to me won 't be occupied by a manspreader or a fat person . Before you condemn me for that last comment , please understand . I paid for one seat . I wish to have the entirety of that one seat to myself . When the seat next to me is taken by someone who spills over into my space , then I don 't get the benefit of what I have paid for . If you take up more than one seat , for whatever reason , then prepared to pay for more than one seat . That 's all that I ask . Life isn 't fair . It was never meant to be . Way back when , people would get dressed up to fly . I remember wearing a dress , hose , heels to get on a plane , because flying was an occasion . It wasn 't just transportation from Point A to Point B . Flying was the point of it all . Today , flying is nothing like that . It hasn 't been for some time . And that 's all for the better . I can 't imagine taking an overnight flight to Europe dressed as if I 'm going to a formal business meeting . Nope , I want to wear something I can stretch out and sleep in . Of course , things can go to extremes . Back in the days of the old Western Airlines , I saw people get on the flight to Hawaii with live poultry - in the passenger cabin . But that 's a story for another time and place . Even older people aren 't immune from behaving badly in the air . It 's as if , when up in the sky ( or about to be ) all the normal behavioral constraints fly out the proverbial window . Case in point : Flying back from a long stay in Hawaii , seated on the plane , waiting for takeoff , when there 's an unexplained delay . I had noticed two couples in the departure lounge , the men wearing matching Hawaiian shirts . Slightly obnoxious , but kind of cute , in a mature way . It turns out that these two couples were traveling with some teenagers and had booked the six of them into an exit row . Airline regulations do not allow teenagers to be seated in an exit row , something that was explained to one of these couples at some length . She objected , loudly and repeatedly , and refused to accept being reseated . At one point , the police came and escorted her off the plane , only to allow her back on , after extracting a promise of further good behavior . . She and her long - suffering husband were eventually seated next to my husband across the aisle from me . Her husband was furious at her for being so ridiculous about the seating assignment ( the seats they were moved to were premium seats - I know because I paid the premium to sit in one ) and he pouted the entire 6 hours back to Los Angeles . She was given two free drinks and then cut off for the rest of the flight . The flight attendant and I had a good gossip about the whole thing after we hit the half - way point back in the galley . I even got an extra cookie out of the deal . Yay , me . Over a two week span in April , I was on 8 different planes , making a total of 2 round trip flights . While sitting and waiting for one of these , I encountered something I 've seen before . Two total strangers , sitting next to each other . One says to the other , ' Would you please watch my stuff while I hit the restroom ? ' I don 't get this . These two guys had never met before , never spoken while they were sitting next to each other and had zero connection , yet somehow , there 's this implied contract between them that one is going to leave all his stuff under the guardianship of the other for the brief time that he 's going to be spending in the men 's room at LaGuardia . I ( who never talk to strangers ) even asked the guy about it . I mean , I just don 't get it . I would rather take my stuff with me , before I would ask a total stranger to watch it for me . What makes this one guy more trustworthy than any other guy in the airport waiting area ? Why him ? I 'm currently reading a collection of essays that have been written by writers who once lived in New York , but felt compelled by circumstance and fate to move out of the city . The compilation is called Goodbye To All That : Writers On Loving And Leaving New York . With a very few exceptions , the essay writers came from someplace to New York , spent some time there and then left . I was a contestant on Jeopardy ! not long ago . The contestants provide some biographical information , either where you were born or where you live currently , and it gets used in your intro . In my case , I chose to use the city of my birth - Brooklyn , as in , ' originally from Brooklyn , New York . ' Being from Brooklyn seems to be quite a trend on Jeopardy ! . I was speaking with the current champion in the green room prior to taping . He was also from Brooklyn . So , of course , I asked him where in Brooklyn he was from . When he replied , ' Park Slope ' , I thought , Oh , you 're one of those . Those being hipsters , trend seekers , nouveaux , arrivistes . You know , new - comers . I , on the other hand , am OG . Brooklyn born and bred . I was from Brooklyn well before it was cool , hip or trendy . We lived in Borough Park ( still not a hot area , probably never will be ) . My grandmother lived in Bensonhurst . My parents married at the Masonic Temple on 13th Avenue . My mother went to New Utrecht High School ; my father to James Madison . I was born in what was called at the time Israel Zion Hospital ; it 's Maimonides now . But back to my moment in the Jeopardy ! green room . When the current champion told me he lived in Park Slope , I asked him where he was from . When he replied , ' Woodland Hills ' , I had my answer . He wasn 't from Brooklyn . He just lives there now . He 's not a New Yorker . New York , the city of my birth , is the best , the most , the everything . I never get tired of it . Samuel Johnson famously said , ' If a man is tired of London , he is tired of life . ' Dr . Johnson never visited New York . New York grabs you by the heart and doesn 't let go until she is finished with you . A mere mortal doesn 't stand a chance . New York has changed a lot in some ways since my last visit ; not so much in others . The new Yankee Stadium is more like a baseball theme park than a place where baseball is actually played . The old ballpark has been sanitized and recreated in the heart of the Bronx . It 's still by the El and surrounded by stores selling Yankee - branded gear of all kinds . Inside the stadium , you can buy designer food , craft beers , and even more Yankee merch . There 's a gigantic digital screen above center field and electronic ribbons running around the upper levels from the first base foul pole to the third , that carry game stats and ads . The original scoreboard from the old park is there . But the famous upper level white columns are recreations . The sound system is on a par with any concert venue . The restrooms are clean and plentiful . And the entire park is environmentally - conscious . It didn 't hurt that the Yanks won , 3 - 2 . And Jeter hit a home run in his second at bat . " There are no bad neighborhoods anymore . " I met an old friend for drinks . Like me , a former exile but who had made the move back to the city a few years ago . He 's right . New York has been , for lack of a better word , sanitized . Gentrified , overdeveloped , cleaned up , turned into a Potemkin village . It 's now a place for the very rich or the very poor . The middle class need not apply . Many years ago , when I lived in New York , things were a bit different . We lived on the Upper West Side and it was truly the Wild West . A frontier . We would make plans to get together with other couples and , as soon as they found out where we lived , they would say , ' You live where ? Can we meet you ? ' Today , the UWS is highly fashionable and a much in demand place to live . Tall , gracious buildings fill tree - lined streets . There 's not as much new construction and what there is , is designed to match what is already there . We spent time with people from the old days who still live in the area and have never left . People we have known for many years , rarely see , but it 's as if we 've seen each other a million times . Old friends are the best kind of friends . And we 've known these people since college and the Army days - that many years have passed . It 's so easy to pick up the old rhythms and patterns . We don 't spend time talking about the past ; however , we always acknowledge it and the role it played in bringing us together . What is that saying ? The past is present . We went to the 9 / 11 Memorial Museum . It 's far from the first time I 'd been down to the site ; but this was the first time I 'd been there since the park was done , the Freedom Tower completed and the Museum opened . We spent over 3 hours there . I was in tears when we left . Not just my country , but my city was attacked that day . And I shall never allow it to recede in my memory . The Highline . Formerly an elevated rail track , it was unused and nature was reclaiming it . New York is desperately short of open greenspace in this most congested of cities . So a park was created . The self - seeded plants were augmented by others , walkways and benches were added ; food vendors , Highline kitsch sellers , stairways and elevator access points came next . The very day we walked The Highline was the day the final section was opened to the public . I was among the first to walk the entire length of the park . Give my regards to Broadway ! Can 't go to New York and not see a show . Still not sure which was the more entertaining - the show inside the theatre or the one on the street . We had some time to kill after dinner , but before showtime , so decided to walk down Broadway to Times Square . A big section of Broadway is closed to traffic , so there are people wandering around everywhere . Costumed characters , superheroes , cartoon faves - all out there , trying to make a buck posing with the tourists . There is an illuminated , red staircase at Duffy Square behind the TKTS . booth , full of people , sitting and watching the parade below . And the signs ! Oh my Lord , the signs ! Swirling , whirling , flashing neon , digital millions of colors signs ! Digital screens six stories high promoting new Fall television . The latest movies . New plays about to open . Leftovers from Fashion Week . And all along Broadway , Seventh Avenue , Eighth Avenue and some of the side streets are vendors selling counterfeit designer handbags . Used to be , you went down to Canal Street and said a few words to someone , who found someone , who brought you to a locked storefront and then his cousin would roll up the gate and let you in to buy what looked like fairly good copies . But the designers got the police to shut them all down . Now the purse sellers are all from Senegal . They set their wares up on a bedsheet on the street and , at the first sign of approaching authority , bundle everything up in a flash and move to another location . They all seem to know each other and communicate via cellphones . We had a glorious brunch at Barney Greengrass , recreating our usual New York Sunday morning . I bought a paper ( first checking to be sure all the sections were there ) after having to negotiate with a woman standing in front of the rack , staring at the paper . ' Are ya looking or are ya buying ? ' She stepped aside . Side note - I still got it . Then we hopped a cab uptown . Got seated right away - a bit unusual , there 's always a wait - and ate and ate and ate . Gave our waiter ( note : not our server . This guy is a professional . ) a semi - hard time . Don 't judge . It 's expected . And he gave as good as he got . The UWS , right by the restaurant , was the staging area for a gigantic parade / protest march against global climate change . There were huge charter buses , from all over , disgorging marchers of every demographic stripe . A few of them even came into Barney Greengrass with their signs and buttons and T - shirts to grab something to eat along the way . Why not ? It 's going to be a long march . We , on the other hand , skipped the crowds and took the subway back . Walking in the city , though , is the best way to get anywhere . I took a walk down Fifth Avenue one afternoon , crossing the street whenever the coast was clear . Not necessarily with a light and the little white man , but when there was no crosstown traffic to be seen or the traffic on Fifth was blocking the street . You can always tell the tourists from the locals by the way they gather at the intersections . New Yorkers step off the curb and look up the street at oncoming traffic to see if it 's safe to dash across the street . New Yorkers don 't wait for the Walk sign ; they go when there 's a space to move . I 'm a New Yorker . Jaywalking is my birthright . I miss my city terribly . But Thomas Wolfe was right . You can 't go home again . On these visits , I live an idealized version of my former life . I stay in hotels where anything I want is attended to , I eat in restaurants , I take taxis , I have a timetable of my own devising . I 'm not tied to anyone else 's expectations . And when I 'm done , I get on a plane and go back to my life in Los Angeles . And leave behind the noise and the traffic and the expense and the inconvenience of everyday life in the city . And the smokers ! The Grand Canal is like any major street in any large city , except instead of concrete , it 's ' paved ' with water . The Grand Canal is bustling with all manner of boat traffic : water taxis , vaporetti - which are like city buses and run on schedules , trachetti - small stand - up ferries that cross the Grand Canal , gondolas , the boat equivalents to trucks . And just like Italian automotive traffic , there doesn 't appear to be any rhyme nor reason to the direction in which all these boats are going . Yet , somehow , it works . One of my favorite things to do was to watch the traffic on the Canal from any vantage point , whether it be the top of the Rialto Bridge or the terrace of the Guggenheim Art Museum or the top of the Campanile at the Piazza San Marco . The first night was completely uneventful - just the way I like them . Checked into the hotel and got upgraded to a ' suite ' , which turned out to be a room with a lofted bed , up a narrow and very steep stairway . Interesting . Tiny little bath , which managed to contain double sinks , a sizable bath , a toilet and a bidet . Again , interesting . Also downstairs , wardrobes and a sitting room with a daybed , a chair and a television . We went out to look for something to eat and walked nearly to the Rialto Bridge and found a small ristorante . Venice isn 't really known for its food . The next morning , we walked over to the Jewish Ghetto and toured the Museo Ebraico . From there , we caught a vaporetto , intending to go to the Piazza San Marco . Alas , being unfamiliar with how they worked , we went the wrong direction and went to the end of the line . We then had to change boats to get to the other end of the line . So we got to cruise the entire length of the Grand Canal on a vaporetto . Once at the Piazza , we met up with friends who are staying in Padova who had trained into Venice to meet us . We went to the Caffe Florian for coffee . Fifty euros for a caffe latte . OK , 1 caffe latte , 1 small bottle of water and 1 small sandwich . Plus 6 euros each for the pleasure of listening to the music emanating from the bandstand . At least , the people - watching in the Piazza was free . The four of us next walked over to the Guggenheim Art Collection , crossing the Grand Canal via the Accademia Bridge . We got lost looking for the Collection . But not really . That 's the wonderful thing ( one of them , anyway ) about Venice . You 're never really lost . Just keep walking and turning and eventually you find yourself where you want to be . Or maybe not where you thought you wanted to be , but someplace delightful , just the same . The art was nice , but the high point for me was sitting on the terrace fronting the Grand Canal and observing . I fell in love with a home , or possibly a small hotel , across the Canal and daydreamed about living there . We then went back to the Piazza and up to the top of the Campanile for its 360 degree views of Venice . Up there , I saw a cruise ship being towed into the lagoon from among the low rise buildings of the city . The scale was so incongruous that the ship looked like it had been dropped onto a movie set . The next day , we toured the Basilico San Marco and the Doge 's Palace and crossed the Bridge of Sighs . We managed to attach ourselves to a tour being led by a British guide . Not my first time at this particular rodeo , I can assure you . We walked over to the Rialto Bridge and climbed to its highest point and watched the traffic . Stopped at a gelateria , walked back to our hotel and crashed . Jet lag finally caught up to me . After nap time , it was time for a gondola ride . Just as in all the guide books , we found a gondolier , spoke with him a bit and off we went . He 's a fifth - generation gondolier ( but has only daughters ) and he had a lovely boat . We went around some smaller canals , into the Grand Canal and back into the smaller , back canals . He pointed out various sights - Casanova 's house , Marco Polo 's house , the workshop for La Fenice ( the opera ) . Maybe yes , maybe not . It doesn 't matter . He even sang … Ciao , Bambino . At dinner , we struck up a conversation with the couple at the next table . They were from a small town in France , just across the border from Geneva , Switzerland . The conversation took place in fractured French ( mine ) and fairly decent English ( his ) . We talked about travel , our kids , shared photos and had a pleasant time . Striking up casual conversations with total strangers became a theme of the trip . In Florence , we even picked up a couple of stalkers from Vancouver , Canada . Ran into them again in Positano . Venice offers lots of surprising views , each one beautiful . A peek around a corner reveals a small canal or a faded palazzo or a glimpse of every day , ordinary Venetian life . All those canals are crossed by bridges and all those bridges have steps going up and steps going down . Be prepared to put your climbing shoes on . The best and most absurdist part of the Venice stay happened the final day . We were sitting on the steps of the Ferrovia ( the train station ) waiting for our train when , suddenly , a band of Hare Krishnas came into view . Complete with orange robes and playing finger cymbals . Hare Krishna , Hare Rama . From the time I was little , I 've wanted to perform . Sing or dance , it doesn 't matter . The problem is that I have been blessed with zero talent of any kind . I am completely tone deaf . When I was in high school , chorus was mandatory and every year , the Music department would stage a stripped - down version of a Broadway musical . All the big names - Oklahoma , The Sound of Music , South Pacific and , most memorably for me , My Fair Lady . Somehow , I made it into the background chorus for the ' Ascot Gavotte ' number . We were busy rehearsing and the musical director was not happy with what she was hearing . No , not at all . So , she stood among us as we sang and pinpointed the problem to … it should come as no surprise … me ! Not only was I off , I was throwing everyone around me off . Not wanting to crush my soul entirely and rather than kicking me out of the chorus completely , she pulled me aside and asked that I move my lips , but let no sound escape . I willingly complied because even with that restriction , I 'd still be listed in the program , still get a costume and still be on the stage . My family begs me not to sing around them . I love hanging out on the beach , plugged into my iPod , singing along with the music . Bear in mind , we 're outside . Then there 's a tap on my arm . ' Mom ! You 're singing ! ' Accompanied by an eyeroll , of course . When I was a child , my mother agreed to ballet class , something for which I have even less aptitude than singing . I tried , though . Oh how I tried . I mastered all the positions , the barre work , did my turnouts . But there were physical limitations . Even for that young age , I was short . I was ( to put it kindly ) pudgy . I was hopelessly uncoordinated . One day , we were doing warm up stretches and I fell off the stage ( such is the nature of life in a small town ) . The teacher was not happy . Not . Happy . At . All . She called my mother and suggested she not waste any more of her money . Okay , so I was never going to dance for Balanchine or wow them at the Bolshoi . I just wanted to dance , not be the next Margot Fonteyn . Fast forward to current day . I 'm taking ballet class again . This time , in combination with yoga and Pilates . And this time , it 's for exercise and not to create a potential prima ballerina . The old terms still ring in my ears - relevé , élévation , turn - out , first position , second position , arabesque . I love doing arabesques most of all . I 'm older now , so I can no longer twist myself into certain positions . Fifth is out of the question and third isn 't looking very good , either . I can no longer rotate from my hips the way I need to achieve the positions with the proper form . But my posture is much improved . My arms are well - toned . My shoulders look incredible . My legs are strong and muscular . And I feel like I could take on the world . My parents died within eighteen months of each other and that got me to thinking about my own mortality . After all , I 'm the oldest of my siblings , my parents are now gone ; that sort of puts me in God 's Waiting Room , doesn 't it ? Let me tell you , Dear Readers , those green , faux leather - covered seats are mighty uncomfortable . I 've given my Final Party ( as it were ) a good deal of thought . I have all my desired arrangements specifically outlined in my will . Along with the usual bequests and dispersal of my ' worldly goods ' are the detailed instructions for my funeral . I would like more flowers than at a mafia funeral . Flowers by the truckload , in fact . Flowers like in The Godfather . I have in mind a wreath in the shape of a horseshoe , facing down , showing that my luck has run out . And another wreath , showing a poker hand of aces and eights , supposedly the hand that Wild Bill Hickok was holding when he was shot dead by Jack McCall . Sprays of flowers , bouquets of flowers , vases full of flowers … you get the idea . None of this , ' In lieu of flowers , the family requests donations to Homeless Cats of Los Angeles . ' Oh , no . I want the damn flowers . I would like a New Orleans Jazz Band to play . Yes , I want music . The band may either play as accompaniment to the actual service or later on , when people are back at the house after internment . You know what I mean . Think brass playing , ' When The Saints Go Marching In . ' I want paid mourners . Specifically , old Italian nonnas with mustaches , black dresses , sturdy shoes and white hankies . I want weeping . I want wailing . I want rending of garments . Even if I have to pay for it from beyond the grave . This summer marks my 30th year of going to Hawaii for vacation . We don 't go every year ; although one lucky year , we went twice . Of all the islands I 've visited , Maui is my favorite . We returned there this trip , after an absence of 13 years . Things haven 't changed very much , other than the island has gotten more built up and there are more people than ever . But Maui is still , at its heart , a small town that happens to be spread out over an island . I 've been to Kauai , which I love , too . But it 's small . Kauai offers lots of diverse climate and breathtaking scenery . I find that once I 've done the things that Kauai is known for , I don 't want to go back and do them again . At least , not that visit . We returned to Kauai after 20 years last year , not having been since the island was devastated by Hurricane Iniki . Things were much changed , as if business used Iniki as an excuse to clear away a lot of the old ways that were no longer working . But the old familiar favorites were still to be found , as well . In the past , I used to love to go to Shipwreck Beach . The only way to get there back then was to drive through a cane field . The beach wasn 't safe for swimming , due to the strong currents and riptides . There was a very large rock that I used to lie on and watch the water . But Spouting Horn and the gimcrack gift stands are still there , unchanged . Waimea Canyon is as breathtaking as ever . Hanapepe is untouched by the passage of time , as if preserved in amber . Not usually ones for touristy types of things , we took a cruise , up the Waimea River to the Fern Grotto . We 'd done it before , on one of our earlier visits , when it was still possible to go inside the grotto . It is no longer . Recent heavy rains collapsed the hillside and it is now unsafe to do so . We had to comfort ourselves with standing on a wooden platform about 40 feet in front of the grotto itself . But it was a nice day for a ride on the river and there was a bonus hula lesson . Then , there 's the Big Island - the island of Hawaii . There 's a stretch of road that runs through fields of black lava just south of the turn to Waimea , where there are no street lights and everything is pitch black . The sky is like velvet . One of my favorite things to do late at night when there are no other cars around is to turn off the headlights and the interior lights of my car and sail , as if invisible , through the inky blackness . We have a friend who works at one of the resorts on the Kona coast ; she gets us the kama ' aina rate there . She even got me a staff badge with my name on it so that I could go pretty much anywhere I liked within the resort . My favorite beach on the Big Island is Hapuna Beach . It 's wide and shallow a long way out , so it has no waves , no rocks and the water is usually warmer than at the other beaches on the island . Ka Lae . Ka Lae is the tip of the Big Island and the southernmost point of the US . The beach is covered by green sand , due to the olivine that was formed by the volcanic eruptions and then eroded into sand by the ceaseless action of the waves . There 's nothing but open ocean at Ka Lae , no land until you get to Antarctica . Being there is like being at the End Of The World . The ocean shows its power and might . Standing there , on the green sand and watching the majestic waves , I felt so small and insignificant . I wanted to spend a lifetime there , just watching the ocean . There was one trip when we stayed in Waikiki for some nights . I settled into a routine - I would have my breakfast in the open - air lobby of the Hilton and then go to the beach , where I would rent a beach chair and an umbrella from the beach boys there . I would speak pidgin with them , much to the chagrin and utter embarrassment of my teenaged daughter . I would set up my little encampment on the beach , equidistant from the hotel and the water and read and people watch . There were pasty - faced , fat - bottomed tourists from the mid - west carrying on loud conversations on their cell phones . And the subject matter - Aunt Myrna 's hernia , Uncle Henry 's hemorrhoids . I wanted to scream at them as they marched down the beach , ' Look around you . You 're in Paradise . Talk on the phone later . ' But I didn 't . There were 20 - something white males with large tribal tattoos covering their arms and shoulders . What tribes do they belong to , I wondered . Epic beer consumption does not a tribe make . I don 't much care for Honolulu . It 's just another big city with horrendous traffic , but really nice weather . Except for the hurricanes and tropical storms . This brings me back to Maui . My first return in some time . It was comforting to do the things we 've always done on our frequent visits there . We even stayed at the place we stayed when we first began visiting . Although much upgraded and refreshed , it 's still familiar . There are more conveniences - a market across the street - but things are pretty much the same . We went to my favorite beach . Not just my favorite beach on Maui . My favorite beach in all of Hawaii . Disappointingly , the foliage has been groomed so that the high - end villas that have been newly - built facing it may have uninterrupted ocean views . But the basics of the beach are still the same - sand , water , waves , available rocks to weight down the blankets . And limited parking to control crowding . My favorite time of day is the late afternoon , when most of the crowds have gone , the heat has dissipated and the sun sparkles on the water like diamonds . We like being on Maui for July 4th . Lahaina is like every other small town on that day . The main street is closed to traffic , there 's a fair in the park , rides for the kids and public fireworks from a barge in the harbor . We ditched the car and took a bus . Parking was near impossible that night . We ate in the familiar spots , drank the usual drinks , marveled at the sunsets , the near - daily rain showers and the rainbows . I caught up with my former dive buddy . He 's a lot grayer , but still teaching tourists the fundamentals of scuba . Time basically stops for me when I 'm in the Islands . I gaze out at the endless Pacific and the limitless sky and think about nothing . Except this … Music has always had a powerful effect on my life and I was especially reminded of this the other day as I attended what was billed as a ' musical journey … from the ' 60s to the present ' . Maybe because I came of age in the ' 60s , but it seems to me that was the most interesting time in which to be alive . There was a sea change in America then and the music of the time underscored it . The music then was transformative and actually contributed to the political movement for social change . The two major events of the ' 60s - the push for civil rights and the anti - war protests - shaped the political landscape for generations . But what stood out for me was the push against the war in Viet Nam . The Civil Rights movement was a few years too early ( LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act in 1964 ) and I was in the Northeastern part of the US . Viet Nam , on the other hand … Viet Nam was being fought on the 6 o ' clock news every night . My friends were subject to the draft as soon as their student deferments ended . As a History major , the internal departmental politics were intense . The Departmental Chair was a CO during WWII ; one of the professors in Western Civilization denounced another to the House UnAmerican Activities Committee ; one of my Poli Sci professors was with the CIA and involved in the overthrow of Mossadegh in Iran in 1953 . There were teach - ins and demonstrations on campuses all over the country . And there was the music . The music of protest and rebellion . The music is so evocative . I hear an old track from then and instantly , I 'm transported back in time . I smell incense , see people wearing tie - dye and see billows of tear gas . The hippies , the Yippies , the politics of change and rebellion . I have seen so much change in my life . There 's an old curse that says , May you live in interesting times . I have . I was born for these times . So , I 'm watching the CBS Evening News on a Saturday , no less . ( The story of my sad social life will have to wait for another time . ) These days , the network evening news on the weekends is all about infomercials . Generally , I find infomercials to be a source of some amusement . They 're formulaic , pitching some product or other of no or very little practical use for a reasonable price and then the pitch is broadened to include a doubling of the very self - same offer without an additional charge - except for a twofold increase in shipping and handling . Of course . And then they 'll throw in something else extra just to sweeten the deal . A recipe book , a specialized slicing knife , a decorating kit . So if I want to make a giant cupcake or perfect brownies ( without having to get them out of the pan with a wood chisel - which NEVER happens to me or anyone I know ) or a fat - free meatloaf or hang up an entire wardrobe of clothing - including purses ! - in a teeny little closet , I know I 'll find just the thing I need on some infomercial running somewhere . But it was the infomercial I saw today that 's moved me to write . It was for something called the Pajama Jean . What fresh hell is this ? Apparently , Pajama Jeans are sweatpants done up to look like actual jeans . They have contrast - stitched rear pockets , contrast stitching on the side seams and where the front fly would be , ' brass ' rivets and they 're blue on one side and gray on the other , so that you can roll them up to make cuffs , just like real jeans . And they 're so comfortable , that you could sleep in them , just like pajamas . OMG ! These are not jeans , Dear Readers ! They 're sweatpants . As my mother used to tell me , when you wear sweatpants out of the house , it 's a mark that you 've given up on life . The infomercial showed a model wearing her Pajama Jeans traveling , shopping , exercising and more . ( More what , I shudder to think . ) The model , well , she looks like a model . Maybe a size 2 . However , you have to know that the women who will buy these things aren 't size 2 . More like a size 22 . And the shopping they do will be at Wal - Mart . Sizes for the Pajama Jean range from XS to 3XL . Do you have any idea how big a 3XL is ? According to their own size chart , a 3XL translates to a size 26 - 28 . That 's not a traditional jean waist size , that 's a clothing size and that 's B - I - G . The people who would wear these things outside of the home exist in a universe that is unknown to me . I 'm not the world 's most careful dresser , I 'll admit . I sit around the house in my Yankee pants , a logo T and a pair of Uggs . But I would never , ever , NEVER even think of leaving the house dressed that way . My mother would haunt me to the end of my days if I did . Besides , I have a minimum of self - respect . Still . I do , I really do .

Spending time in a speeding cigar tube full of people , generally on their worst behavior , is generally not my idea of a good time . First , as most of you know , I hate people . Secondly , I 'm old and I remember when air travel used to be an occasion . People would dress up to get on a plane - it was an event . It was glamorous . It was also incredibly expensive . Today , air travel has been democratized . Prices are low , people rarely give a second thought to hopping on a plane . Of course , there 's the whole situation with the TSA . This is not the place to discuss that . I 'm more interested in talking about what goes on inside the plane , after we 've all boarded . Lately , every flight I 've been on is full . Not just full , but FULL , as in every seat is occupied . Gone are the days when I would get onto a plane after a hard week 's work in New York , and the flight attendant would take one look at me and gently guide me to an entire row of seats and hand me enough blankets and pillows to make a nest for myself so that I could sleep the whole way home to Los Angeles . Nowadays , I find myself sitting bolt upright in one seat , hopefully on the aisle , praying that the middle seat next to me won 't be occupied by a manspreader or a fat person . Before you condemn me for that last comment , please understand . I paid for one seat . I wish to have the entirety of that one seat to myself . When the seat next to me is taken by someone who spills over into my space , then I don 't get the benefit of what I have paid for . If you take up more than one seat , for whatever reason , then prepared to pay for more than one seat . That 's all that I ask . Life isn 't fair . It was never meant to be . Way back when , people would get dressed up to fly . I remember wearing a dress , hose , heels to get on a plane , because flying was an occasion . It wasn 't just transportation from Point A to Point B . Flying was the point of it all . Today , flying is nothing like that . It hasn 't been for some time . And that 's all for the better . I can 't imagine taking an overnight flight to Europe dressed as if I 'm going to a formal business meeting . Nope , I want to wear something I can stretch out and sleep in . Of course , things can go to extremes . Back in the days of the old Western Airlines , I saw people get on the flight to Hawaii with live poultry - in the passenger cabin . But that 's a story for another time and place . Even older people aren 't immune from behaving badly in the air . It 's as if , when up in the sky ( or about to be ) all the normal behavioral constraints fly out the proverbial window . Case in point : Flying back from a long stay in Hawaii , seated on the plane , waiting for takeoff , when there 's an unexplained delay . I had noticed two couples in the departure lounge , the men wearing matching Hawaiian shirts . Slightly obnoxious , but kind of cute , in a mature way . It turns out that these two couples were traveling with some teenagers and had booked the six of them into an exit row . Airline regulations do not allow teenagers to be seated in an exit row , something that was explained to one of these couples at some length . She objected , loudly and repeatedly , and refused to accept being reseated . At one point , the police came and escorted her off the plane , only to allow her back on , after extracting a promise of further good behavior . . She and her long - suffering husband were eventually seated next to my husband across the aisle from me . Her husband was furious at her for being so ridiculous about the seating assignment ( the seats they were moved to were premium seats - I know because I paid the premium to sit in one ) and he pouted the entire 6 hours back to Los Angeles . She was given two free drinks and then cut off for the rest of the flight . The flight attendant and I had a good gossip about the whole thing after we hit the half - way point back in the galley . I even got an extra cookie out of the deal . Yay , me . Over a two week span in April , I was on 8 different planes , making a total of 2 round trip flights . While sitting and waiting for one of these , I encountered something I 've seen before . Two total strangers , sitting next to each other . One says to the other , ' Would you please watch my stuff while I hit the restroom ? ' I don 't get this . These two guys had never met before , never spoken while they were sitting next to each other and had zero connection , yet somehow , there 's this implied contract between them that one is going to leave all his stuff under the guardianship of the other for the brief time that he 's going to be spending in the men 's room at LaGuardia . I ( who never talk to strangers ) even asked the guy about it . I mean , I just don 't get it . I would rather take my stuff with me , before I would ask a total stranger to watch it for me . What makes this one guy more trustworthy than any other guy in the airport waiting area ? Why him ? I 'm currently reading a collection of essays that have been written by writers who once lived in New York , but felt compelled by circumstance and fate to move out of the city . The compilation is called Goodbye To All That : Writers On Loving And Leaving New York . With a very few exceptions , the essay writers came from someplace to New York , spent some time there and then left . I was a contestant on Jeopardy ! not long ago . The contestants provide some biographical information , either where you were born or where you live currently , and it gets used in your intro . In my case , I chose to use the city of my birth - Brooklyn , as in , ' originally from Brooklyn , New York . ' Being from Brooklyn seems to be quite a trend on Jeopardy ! . I was speaking with the current champion in the green room prior to taping . He was also from Brooklyn . So , of course , I asked him where in Brooklyn he was from . When he replied , ' Park Slope ' , I thought , Oh , you 're one of those . Those being hipsters , trend seekers , nouveaux , arrivistes . You know , new - comers . I , on the other hand , am OG . Brooklyn born and bred . I was from Brooklyn well before it was cool , hip or trendy . We lived in Borough Park ( still not a hot area , probably never will be ) . My grandmother lived in Bensonhurst . My parents married at the Masonic Temple on 13th Avenue . My mother went to New Utrecht High School ; my father to James Madison . I was born in what was called at the time Israel Zion Hospital ; it 's Maimonides now . But back to my moment in the Jeopardy ! green room . When the current champion told me he lived in Park Slope , I asked him where he was from . When he replied , ' Woodland Hills ' , I had my answer . He wasn 't from Brooklyn . He just lives there now . He 's not a New Yorker . New York , the city of my birth , is the best , the most , the everything . I never get tired of it . Samuel Johnson famously said , ' If a man is tired of London , he is tired of life . ' Dr . Johnson never visited New York . New York grabs you by the heart and doesn 't let go until she is finished with you . A mere mortal doesn 't stand a chance . New York has changed a lot in some ways since my last visit ; not so much in others . The new Yankee Stadium is more like a baseball theme park than a place where baseball is actually played . The old ballpark has been sanitized and recreated in the heart of the Bronx . It 's still by the El and surrounded by stores selling Yankee - branded gear of all kinds . Inside the stadium , you can buy designer food , craft beers , and even more Yankee merch . There 's a gigantic digital screen above center field and electronic ribbons running around the upper levels from the first base foul pole to the third , that carry game stats and ads . The original scoreboard from the old park is there . But the famous upper level white columns are recreations . The sound system is on a par with any concert venue . The restrooms are clean and plentiful . And the entire park is environmentally - conscious . It didn 't hurt that the Yanks won , 3 - 2 . And Jeter hit a home run in his second at bat . " There are no bad neighborhoods anymore . " I met an old friend for drinks . Like me , a former exile but who had made the move back to the city a few years ago . He 's right . New York has been , for lack of a better word , sanitized . Gentrified , overdeveloped , cleaned up , turned into a Potemkin village . It 's now a place for the very rich or the very poor . The middle class need not apply . Many years ago , when I lived in New York , things were a bit different . We lived on the Upper West Side and it was truly the Wild West . A frontier . We would make plans to get together with other couples and , as soon as they found out where we lived , they would say , ' You live where ? Can we meet you ? ' Today , the UWS is highly fashionable and a much in demand place to live . Tall , gracious buildings fill tree - lined streets . There 's not as much new construction and what there is , is designed to match what is already there . We spent time with people from the old days who still live in the area and have never left . People we have known for many years , rarely see , but it 's as if we 've seen each other a million times . Old friends are the best kind of friends . And we 've known these people since college and the Army days - that many years have passed . It 's so easy to pick up the old rhythms and patterns . We don 't spend time talking about the past ; however , we always acknowledge it and the role it played in bringing us together . What is that saying ? The past is present . We went to the 9 / 11 Memorial Museum . It 's far from the first time I 'd been down to the site ; but this was the first time I 'd been there since the park was done , the Freedom Tower completed and the Museum opened . We spent over 3 hours there . I was in tears when we left . Not just my country , but my city was attacked that day . And I shall never allow it to recede in my memory . The Highline . Formerly an elevated rail track , it was unused and nature was reclaiming it . New York is desperately short of open greenspace in this most congested of cities . So a park was created . The self - seeded plants were augmented by others , walkways and benches were added ; food vendors , Highline kitsch sellers , stairways and elevator access points came next . The very day we walked The Highline was the day the final section was opened to the public . I was among the first to walk the entire length of the park . Give my regards to Broadway ! Can 't go to New York and not see a show . Still not sure which was the more entertaining - the show inside the theatre or the one on the street . We had some time to kill after dinner , but before showtime , so decided to walk down Broadway to Times Square . A big section of Broadway is closed to traffic , so there are people wandering around everywhere . Costumed characters , superheroes , cartoon faves - all out there , trying to make a buck posing with the tourists . There is an illuminated , red staircase at Duffy Square behind the TKTS . booth , full of people , sitting and watching the parade below . And the signs ! Oh my Lord , the signs ! Swirling , whirling , flashing neon , digital millions of colors signs ! Digital screens six stories high promoting new Fall television . The latest movies . New plays about to open . Leftovers from Fashion Week . And all along Broadway , Seventh Avenue , Eighth Avenue and some of the side streets are vendors selling counterfeit designer handbags . Used to be , you went down to Canal Street and said a few words to someone , who found someone , who brought you to a locked storefront and then his cousin would roll up the gate and let you in to buy what looked like fairly good copies . But the designers got the police to shut them all down . Now the purse sellers are all from Senegal . They set their wares up on a bedsheet on the street and , at the first sign of approaching authority , bundle everything up in a flash and move to another location . They all seem to know each other and communicate via cellphones . We had a glorious brunch at Barney Greengrass , recreating our usual New York Sunday morning . I bought a paper ( first checking to be sure all the sections were there ) after having to negotiate with a woman standing in front of the rack , staring at the paper . ' Are ya looking or are ya buying ? ' She stepped aside . Side note - I still got it . Then we hopped a cab uptown . Got seated right away - a bit unusual , there 's always a wait - and ate and ate and ate . Gave our waiter ( note : not our server . This guy is a professional . ) a semi - hard time . Don 't judge . It 's expected . And he gave as good as he got . The UWS , right by the restaurant , was the staging area for a gigantic parade / protest march against global climate change . There were huge charter buses , from all over , disgorging marchers of every demographic stripe . A few of them even came into Barney Greengrass with their signs and buttons and T - shirts to grab something to eat along the way . Why not ? It 's going to be a long march . We , on the other hand , skipped the crowds and took the subway back . Walking in the city , though , is the best way to get anywhere . I took a walk down Fifth Avenue one afternoon , crossing the street whenever the coast was clear . Not necessarily with a light and the little white man , but when there was no crosstown traffic to be seen or the traffic on Fifth was blocking the street . You can always tell the tourists from the locals by the way they gather at the intersections . New Yorkers step off the curb and look up the street at oncoming traffic to see if it 's safe to dash across the street . New Yorkers don 't wait for the Walk sign ; they go when there 's a space to move . I 'm a New Yorker . Jaywalking is my birthright . I miss my city terribly . But Thomas Wolfe was right . You can 't go home again . On these visits , I live an idealized version of my former life . I stay in hotels where anything I want is attended to , I eat in restaurants , I take taxis , I have a timetable of my own devising . I 'm not tied to anyone else 's expectations . And when I 'm done , I get on a plane and go back to my life in Los Angeles . And leave behind the noise and the traffic and the expense and the inconvenience of everyday life in the city . And the smokers ! The Grand Canal is like any major street in any large city , except instead of concrete , it 's ' paved ' with water . The Grand Canal is bustling with all manner of boat traffic : water taxis , vaporetti - which are like city buses and run on schedules , trachetti - small stand - up ferries that cross the Grand Canal , gondolas , the boat equivalents to trucks . And just like Italian automotive traffic , there doesn 't appear to be any rhyme nor reason to the direction in which all these boats are going . Yet , somehow , it works . One of my favorite things to do was to watch the traffic on the Canal from any vantage point , whether it be the top of the Rialto Bridge or the terrace of the Guggenheim Art Museum or the top of the Campanile at the Piazza San Marco . The first night was completely uneventful - just the way I like them . Checked into the hotel and got upgraded to a ' suite ' , which turned out to be a room with a lofted bed , up a narrow and very steep stairway . Interesting . Tiny little bath , which managed to contain double sinks , a sizable bath , a toilet and a bidet . Again , interesting . Also downstairs , wardrobes and a sitting room with a daybed , a chair and a television . We went out to look for something to eat and walked nearly to the Rialto Bridge and found a small ristorante . Venice isn 't really known for its food . The next morning , we walked over to the Jewish Ghetto and toured the Museo Ebraico . From there , we caught a vaporetto , intending to go to the Piazza San Marco . Alas , being unfamiliar with how they worked , we went the wrong direction and went to the end of the line . We then had to change boats to get to the other end of the line . So we got to cruise the entire length of the Grand Canal on a vaporetto . Once at the Piazza , we met up with friends who are staying in Padova who had trained into Venice to meet us . We went to the Caffe Florian for coffee . Fifty euros for a caffe latte . OK , 1 caffe latte , 1 small bottle of water and 1 small sandwich . Plus 6 euros each for the pleasure of listening to the music emanating from the bandstand . At least , the people - watching in the Piazza was free . The four of us next walked over to the Guggenheim Art Collection , crossing the Grand Canal via the Accademia Bridge . We got lost looking for the Collection . But not really . That 's the wonderful thing ( one of them , anyway ) about Venice . You 're never really lost . Just keep walking and turning and eventually you find yourself where you want to be . Or maybe not where you thought you wanted to be , but someplace delightful , just the same . The art was nice , but the high point for me was sitting on the terrace fronting the Grand Canal and observing . I fell in love with a home , or possibly a small hotel , across the Canal and daydreamed about living there . We then went back to the Piazza and up to the top of the Campanile for its 360 degree views of Venice . Up there , I saw a cruise ship being towed into the lagoon from among the low rise buildings of the city . The scale was so incongruous that the ship looked like it had been dropped onto a movie set . The next day , we toured the Basilico San Marco and the Doge 's Palace and crossed the Bridge of Sighs . We managed to attach ourselves to a tour being led by a British guide . Not my first time at this particular rodeo , I can assure you . We walked over to the Rialto Bridge and climbed to its highest point and watched the traffic . Stopped at a gelateria , walked back to our hotel and crashed . Jet lag finally caught up to me . After nap time , it was time for a gondola ride . Just as in all the guide books , we found a gondolier , spoke with him a bit and off we went . He 's a fifth - generation gondolier ( but has only daughters ) and he had a lovely boat . We went around some smaller canals , into the Grand Canal and back into the smaller , back canals . He pointed out various sights - Casanova 's house , Marco Polo 's house , the workshop for La Fenice ( the opera ) . Maybe yes , maybe not . It doesn 't matter . He even sang … Ciao , Bambino . At dinner , we struck up a conversation with the couple at the next table . They were from a small town in France , just across the border from Geneva , Switzerland . The conversation took place in fractured French ( mine ) and fairly decent English ( his ) . We talked about travel , our kids , shared photos and had a pleasant time . Striking up casual conversations with total strangers became a theme of the trip . In Florence , we even picked up a couple of stalkers from Vancouver , Canada . Ran into them again in Positano . Venice offers lots of surprising views , each one beautiful . A peek around a corner reveals a small canal or a faded palazzo or a glimpse of every day , ordinary Venetian life . All those canals are crossed by bridges and all those bridges have steps going up and steps going down . Be prepared to put your climbing shoes on . The best and most absurdist part of the Venice stay happened the final day . We were sitting on the steps of the Ferrovia ( the train station ) waiting for our train when , suddenly , a band of Hare Krishnas came into view . Complete with orange robes and playing finger cymbals . Hare Krishna , Hare Rama . From the time I was little , I 've wanted to perform . Sing or dance , it doesn 't matter . The problem is that I have been blessed with zero talent of any kind . I am completely tone deaf . When I was in high school , chorus was mandatory and every year , the Music department would stage a stripped - down version of a Broadway musical . All the big names - Oklahoma , The Sound of Music , South Pacific and , most memorably for me , My Fair Lady . Somehow , I made it into the background chorus for the ' Ascot Gavotte ' number . We were busy rehearsing and the musical director was not happy with what she was hearing . No , not at all . So , she stood among us as we sang and pinpointed the problem to … it should come as no surprise … me ! Not only was I off , I was throwing everyone around me off . Not wanting to crush my soul entirely and rather than kicking me out of the chorus completely , she pulled me aside and asked that I move my lips , but let no sound escape . I willingly complied because even with that restriction , I 'd still be listed in the program , still get a costume and still be on the stage . My family begs me not to sing around them . I love hanging out on the beach , plugged into my iPod , singing along with the music . Bear in mind , we 're outside . Then there 's a tap on my arm . ' Mom ! You 're singing ! ' Accompanied by an eyeroll , of course . When I was a child , my mother agreed to ballet class , something for which I have even less aptitude than singing . I tried , though . Oh how I tried . I mastered all the positions , the barre work , did my turnouts . But there were physical limitations . Even for that young age , I was short . I was ( to put it kindly ) pudgy . I was hopelessly uncoordinated . One day , we were doing warm up stretches and I fell off the stage ( such is the nature of life in a small town ) . The teacher was not happy . Not . Happy . At . All . She called my mother and suggested she not waste any more of her money . Okay , so I was never going to dance for Balanchine or wow them at the Bolshoi . I just wanted to dance , not be the next Margot Fonteyn . Fast forward to current day . I 'm taking ballet class again . This time , in combination with yoga and Pilates . And this time , it 's for exercise and not to create a potential prima ballerina . The old terms still ring in my ears - relevé , élévation , turn - out , first position , second position , arabesque . I love doing arabesques most of all . I 'm older now , so I can no longer twist myself into certain positions . Fifth is out of the question and third isn 't looking very good , either . I can no longer rotate from my hips the way I need to achieve the positions with the proper form . But my posture is much improved . My arms are well - toned . My shoulders look incredible . My legs are strong and muscular . And I feel like I could take on the world . My parents died within eighteen months of each other and that got me to thinking about my own mortality . After all , I 'm the oldest of my siblings , my parents are now gone ; that sort of puts me in God 's Waiting Room , doesn 't it ? Let me tell you , Dear Readers , those green , faux leather - covered seats are mighty uncomfortable . I 've given my Final Party ( as it were ) a good deal of thought . I have all my desired arrangements specifically outlined in my will . Along with the usual bequests and dispersal of my ' worldly goods ' are the detailed instructions for my funeral . I would like more flowers than at a mafia funeral . Flowers by the truckload , in fact . Flowers like in The Godfather . I have in mind a wreath in the shape of a horseshoe , facing down , showing that my luck has run out . And another wreath , showing a poker hand of aces and eights , supposedly the hand that Wild Bill Hickok was holding when he was shot dead by Jack McCall . Sprays of flowers , bouquets of flowers , vases full of flowers … you get the idea . None of this , ' In lieu of flowers , the family requests donations to Homeless Cats of Los Angeles . ' Oh , no . I want the damn flowers . I would like a New Orleans Jazz Band to play . Yes , I want music . The band may either play as accompaniment to the actual service or later on , when people are back at the house after internment . You know what I mean . Think brass playing , ' When The Saints Go Marching In . ' I want paid mourners . Specifically , old Italian nonnas with mustaches , black dresses , sturdy shoes and white hankies . I want weeping . I want wailing . I want rending of garments . Even if I have to pay for it from beyond the grave . This summer marks my 30th year of going to Hawaii for vacation . We don 't go every year ; although one lucky year , we went twice . Of all the islands I 've visited , Maui is my favorite . We returned there this trip , after an absence of 13 years . Things haven 't changed very much , other than the island has gotten more built up and there are more people than ever . But Maui is still , at its heart , a small town that happens to be spread out over an island . I 've been to Kauai , which I love , too . But it 's small . Kauai offers lots of diverse climate and breathtaking scenery . I find that once I 've done the things that Kauai is known for , I don 't want to go back and do them again . At least , not that visit . We returned to Kauai after 20 years last year , not having been since the island was devastated by Hurricane Iniki . Things were much changed , as if business used Iniki as an excuse to clear away a lot of the old ways that were no longer working . But the old familiar favorites were still to be found , as well . In the past , I used to love to go to Shipwreck Beach . The only way to get there back then was to drive through a cane field . The beach wasn 't safe for swimming , due to the strong currents and riptides . There was a very large rock that I used to lie on and watch the water . But Spouting Horn and the gimcrack gift stands are still there , unchanged . Waimea Canyon is as breathtaking as ever . Hanapepe is untouched by the passage of time , as if preserved in amber . Not usually ones for touristy types of things , we took a cruise , up the Waimea River to the Fern Grotto . We 'd done it before , on one of our earlier visits , when it was still possible to go inside the grotto . It is no longer . Recent heavy rains collapsed the hillside and it is now unsafe to do so . We had to comfort ourselves with standing on a wooden platform about 40 feet in front of the grotto itself . But it was a nice day for a ride on the river and there was a bonus hula lesson . Then , there 's the Big Island - the island of Hawaii . There 's a stretch of road that runs through fields of black lava just south of the turn to Waimea , where there are no street lights and everything is pitch black . The sky is like velvet . One of my favorite things to do late at night when there are no other cars around is to turn off the headlights and the interior lights of my car and sail , as if invisible , through the inky blackness . We have a friend who works at one of the resorts on the Kona coast ; she gets us the kama ' aina rate there . She even got me a staff badge with my name on it so that I could go pretty much anywhere I liked within the resort . My favorite beach on the Big Island is Hapuna Beach . It 's wide and shallow a long way out , so it has no waves , no rocks and the water is usually warmer than at the other beaches on the island . Ka Lae . Ka Lae is the tip of the Big Island and the southernmost point of the US . The beach is covered by green sand , due to the olivine that was formed by the volcanic eruptions and then eroded into sand by the ceaseless action of the waves . There 's nothing but open ocean at Ka Lae , no land until you get to Antarctica . Being there is like being at the End Of The World . The ocean shows its power and might . Standing there , on the green sand and watching the majestic waves , I felt so small and insignificant . I wanted to spend a lifetime there , just watching the ocean . There was one trip when we stayed in Waikiki for some nights . I settled into a routine - I would have my breakfast in the open - air lobby of the Hilton and then go to the beach , where I would rent a beach chair and an umbrella from the beach boys there . I would speak pidgin with them , much to the chagrin and utter embarrassment of my teenaged daughter . I would set up my little encampment on the beach , equidistant from the hotel and the water and read and people watch . There were pasty - faced , fat - bottomed tourists from the mid - west carrying on loud conversations on their cell phones . And the subject matter - Aunt Myrna 's hernia , Uncle Henry 's hemorrhoids . I wanted to scream at them as they marched down the beach , ' Look around you . You 're in Paradise . Talk on the phone later . ' But I didn 't . There were 20 - something white males with large tribal tattoos covering their arms and shoulders . What tribes do they belong to , I wondered . Epic beer consumption does not a tribe make . I don 't much care for Honolulu . It 's just another big city with horrendous traffic , but really nice weather . Except for the hurricanes and tropical storms . This brings me back to Maui . My first return in some time . It was comforting to do the things we 've always done on our frequent visits there . We even stayed at the place we stayed when we first began visiting . Although much upgraded and refreshed , it 's still familiar . There are more conveniences - a market across the street - but things are pretty much the same . We went to my favorite beach . Not just my favorite beach on Maui . My favorite beach in all of Hawaii . Disappointingly , the foliage has been groomed so that the high - end villas that have been newly - built facing it may have uninterrupted ocean views . But the basics of the beach are still the same - sand , water , waves , available rocks to weight down the blankets . And limited parking to control crowding . My favorite time of day is the late afternoon , when most of the crowds have gone , the heat has dissipated and the sun sparkles on the water like diamonds . We like being on Maui for July 4th . Lahaina is like every other small town on that day . The main street is closed to traffic , there 's a fair in the park , rides for the kids and public fireworks from a barge in the harbor . We ditched the car and took a bus . Parking was near impossible that night . We ate in the familiar spots , drank the usual drinks , marveled at the sunsets , the near - daily rain showers and the rainbows . I caught up with my former dive buddy . He 's a lot grayer , but still teaching tourists the fundamentals of scuba . Time basically stops for me when I 'm in the Islands . I gaze out at the endless Pacific and the limitless sky and think about nothing . Except this … Music has always had a powerful effect on my life and I was especially reminded of this the other day as I attended what was billed as a ' musical journey … from the ' 60s to the present ' . Maybe because I came of age in the ' 60s , but it seems to me that was the most interesting time in which to be alive . There was a sea change in America then and the music of the time underscored it . The music then was transformative and actually contributed to the political movement for social change . The two major events of the ' 60s - the push for civil rights and the anti - war protests - shaped the political landscape for generations . But what stood out for me was the push against the war in Viet Nam . The Civil Rights movement was a few years too early ( LBJ signed the Civil Rights Act in 1964 ) and I was in the Northeastern part of the US . Viet Nam , on the other hand … Viet Nam was being fought on the 6 o ' clock news every night . My friends were subject to the draft as soon as their student deferments ended . As a History major , the internal departmental politics were intense . The Departmental Chair was a CO during WWII ; one of the professors in Western Civilization denounced another to the House UnAmerican Activities Committee ; one of my Poli Sci professors was with the CIA and involved in the overthrow of Mossadegh in Iran in 1953 . There were teach - ins and demonstrations on campuses all over the country . And there was the music . The music of protest and rebellion . The music is so evocative . I hear an old track from then and instantly , I 'm transported back in time . I smell incense , see people wearing tie - dye and see billows of tear gas . The hippies , the Yippies , the politics of change and rebellion . I have seen so much change in my life . There 's an old curse that says , May you live in interesting times . I have . I was born for these times . So , I 'm watching the CBS Evening News on a Saturday , no less . ( The story of my sad social life will have to wait for another time . ) These days , the network evening news on the weekends is all about infomercials . Generally , I find infomercials to be a source of some amusement . They 're formulaic , pitching some product or other of no or very little practical use for a reasonable price and then the pitch is broadened to include a doubling of the very self - same offer without an additional charge - except for a twofold increase in shipping and handling . Of course . And then they 'll throw in something else extra just to sweeten the deal . A recipe book , a specialized slicing knife , a decorating kit . So if I want to make a giant cupcake or perfect brownies ( without having to get them out of the pan with a wood chisel - which NEVER happens to me or anyone I know ) or a fat - free meatloaf or hang up an entire wardrobe of clothing - including purses ! - in a teeny little closet , I know I 'll find just the thing I need on some infomercial running somewhere . But it was the infomercial I saw today that 's moved me to write . It was for something called the Pajama Jean . What fresh hell is this ? Apparently , Pajama Jeans are sweatpants done up to look like actual jeans . They have contrast - stitched rear pockets , contrast stitching on the side seams and where the front fly would be , ' brass ' rivets and they 're blue on one side and gray on the other , so that you can roll them up to make cuffs , just like real jeans . And they 're so comfortable , that you could sleep in them , just like pajamas . OMG ! These are not jeans , Dear Readers ! They 're sweatpants . As my mother used to tell me , when you wear sweatpants out of the house , it 's a mark that you 've given up on life . The infomercial showed a model wearing her Pajama Jeans traveling , shopping , exercising and more . ( More what , I shudder to think . ) The model , well , she looks like a model . Maybe a size 2 . However , you have to know that the women who will buy these things aren 't size 2 . More like a size 22 . And the shopping they do will be at Wal - Mart . Sizes for the Pajama Jean range from XS to 3XL . Do you have any idea how big a 3XL is ? According to their own size chart , a 3XL translates to a size 26 - 28 . That 's not a traditional jean waist size , that 's a clothing size and that 's B - I - G . The people who would wear these things outside of the home exist in a universe that is unknown to me . I 'm not the world 's most careful dresser , I 'll admit . I sit around the house in my Yankee pants , a logo T and a pair of Uggs . But I would never , ever , NEVER even think of leaving the house dressed that way . My mother would haunt me to the end of my days if I did . Besides , I have a minimum of self - respect . Still . I do , I really do .

No , no , no , don 't be expecting my usual super - long posts . I kind of just wanted to VERY BRIEFLY update ya 'll with my life as of now since the last time I REALLY posted , which was . . . . shit . The last time I made a legit post was in July . September - - I started school at that smart - people school that I got accepted into . We need to give that school a name , cause I 'll be mentioning it a lot . . . How about NYC Science ? If you live in New York City , you 're probably laughing right now , and can probably immediately guess the name of my school . Hehe . Any guesses ? A 90 . I can 't even get a fucking 90 . Do you know what my average is right now ? An 89 . Like . Whattafuck . Everyone is telling me to transfer out of my smart school and go to a normal school where I 'll get good grades by working less . But but but . I don 't know . I really like my school . So many fricken ' geniuses all together . It 's kind of . . . amazing ? And we have so many opportunities at my school , and we always have Ivy League University recruits coming to our school and laughing with our students , so I feel like I 'd be throwing away a HUGE blessing . This is the " Shirtless Guy " Club at my school . I 'm not even joking . I don 't even know what they do during their Weekly meetings . I believe I told you guys that I joined the Speech & Debate team at my school , right ? Yeah , I joined Debate - - or more specifically , Policy Debate ( There 's also Lincoln Douglass Debate , Public Forum Debate , Congressional Debate , and more . But Policy Debate is the ORIGINAL debate - - created before any of the others ) . POLICY DEBATE IS SO MUCH FUN . I mean , it 's hard work and it takes practice and it takes thinking and it 's a bit expensive at times and it 's hard when you lose but OH MY GOD . SO FUN . Is anyone here in Policy Debate ? If you are , you 're going to love it when I say : Policy Debate kicks aff and is the CXiest form of debate out there . Mwahahahaha . No one got that ? Alright , I guess everyone thinks I 'm weird . ^_^ In October , my school hosted a HUGE , INTENSE Speech & Debate tournament that high schools all across America came to and competed in and had been preparing for months for . . I bet some of your schools even came . I 'm not going to mention the name of the tournament , because you could just Google it and then millions of entries of my school would come up . And that 's awkward . Since I 'm a novice debater ( Someone who 's new to debate ) and I attend NYC Science , me and the other novices were allowed to watch rounds of some of the best debaters in the country . OH MY GOD THEY WERE SO AMAZING , LIKE I CAN ' T IMAGINE EVER BECOMING THAT GOOD . Some basic Policy Debate shiz : . Policy Debate is done with a partner . . When you 're Varsity , it 's shameful if you can 't speed read - > SPREAD . . Every year , the topic for Policy Debate changes . This year , it 's Resolved : The United States federal government should substantially increase its exploration and / or development of space beyond the Earth 's mesosphere . You had to prepare for both sides of this argument , because you don 't get to pick which side you 're on during a round . If ' you get Aff , that means you support this argument . If you get Neg , you don 't support this argument . Pretty straightforward , right ? . When you read evidence , it 's called reading a ' card ' . The entire round is done facing at your judge . You aren 't supposed to be looking at the opposing team . You look at your JUDGE . Ha . Ha ha . One of the rounds we were watching were between a team of girls vs . a team of guys . The Girl TeamGirl 1 seemed soft - spoken and delicate and " Typical - White - Girl " at first , but she was an amazing spreader ( Like , she was reading so fast that my little untrained novice ears couldn 't catch anything ) . And she was very good at answering CX ( Cross - Examination ) questions . Girl 2 was an aggressive Asian . Didn 't quite think things through . . . The Guy TeamGuy 1 was super hot . Just wanted to put that out there . And now on to this debating skills . . . he was SO cocky , and that made me kind of not like him . He was laughing and smiling and rolling his eyes and just seemed so dandy and I wanted to slap the smile off his face . Guy 2 was nothing of interest . Guy 1 's hot - ness distracted me too much . HAHAHA . Am I the only one who found that funny ? GODDAMN . YOU PEOPLE NEED TO JOIN POLICY DEBATE SO I WONT LOOK THAT WEIRD LAUGHING BY MYSELF . Anyway . Here 's some pictures from the event . At least you can somewhat find the angry debaters amusing , like I did . None of them taken by me , of course . My first tournament was at my own school . Our Varsity coaches told us not to worry , because compared to others , we were really good . Actually , she didn 't say that . She said , " Guys . Novices fucking suck . Don 't worry . " There were three rounds at the first tournament . 1st Round - - We were Aff . Two hicktown white boys , one of which desperately needed a haircut . They were so terrible . They didn 't even bring papers to flow on ( " Flowing " is basically debate lingo for " taking notes " in like , this chart - like way ) . THEY DIDN ' T EVEN BRING A PEN ! They asked us for one , so I gave them a yellow highlighter . Snicker , snicker . Yeah , so they were terrible and I actually laughed at them in the middle of our round ( Sorry , guys . . ) BUT SOMEHOW . OUR JUDGE VOTED FOR THEM . LIKE . NO . WHAT THE HELL . Our coach told us not to worry since Novice tournaments always have bullshit judges , but . . . asgdhdgfawhgfhsgdfgshfgdsgksd . 2nd Round - - We were Neg . We creamed them . We creamed them so badly . And it felt so good . We made all their plans look ridiculous . And we beat them on TOPICALITY , which is like impossible to beat someone with ( Topicality is a tricky way to beat a team , because you 're basically saying that the opposing team 's plan is untopical - - it doesn 't relate to the Resolution . ) Their plan was to send something down to Earth from space or some shit like that . My partner and I argued that their plan was untopical because we weren 't increasing exploration or development of space beyond the Earth 's mesosphere - - we were sending things back down to Earth . That 's not the point of the Resolution . Haha . One of them was SO BAD at CX . He asked me since one of our arguments against developing in space was that if we increase space development , China will think we are trying to compete with them , which could ultimately lead to economic collaspe - - - > nuclear war - - - > extinction , he asked " How do you know China is a country ? " 3rd Round : We were Aff . Hardest one of the day . Two bitchy girls who hated my partner because she is SO BEAST at CX . Like , she terminates . It 's a bit insane . They had some skill . . . . but hah . Not enough . Second tournament was at some school in upstate NY . The whole bus ride there , since all of us live in NYC , our debate coach was cracking jokes about how we were going to the most exciting town in Ny . . . . and it really wasn 't . It was so tiny and plain and suburban and blah . I felt awkward laughing at the jokes , since most of my life I ' VE lived in towns like those myself . . . . 1st Round : We were Neg , up against two older guys who claimed to be novices . Mhmm - _ - They were really good . . . During one of my speeches , one dude came up behind me right next to my face to see what I was reading ( Its allowed ) and I was caught off guard , so I was like , " Um . Hi . " And he was like , " Hey . " And I was like AWKS and I went back to reading . At the end , one of the guys asked me for a hug . He was also Mexican . He was also intimidating . He was also pretty sleazy looking . I gave him a hug . 2nd Round : We were Aff . Our opposing team was a Mexican guy + Black girl . WE WERE SO CRUSHED . The girl argued like we were in a streetfight . Ajsdsgksdf . Very annoying round . 3rd Round : We were Aff . We went up against two girls from my brother 's school , which is THE TOP HIGH SCHOOL in New York City , and higher ranking than us in the Top 24 High Schools of America . Needless to say , we 're rivals . Luckily , their . Debate . Novices . Suck . So . Bad . Our Novice directors were like , " Don 't worry , you 'll beat their asses , that school 's novices don 't know shit " and we were still scared . But as soon as I started the round and read my speech and they began CXing me , I was like No medals for us at that tournament , because were only 1 - 2 . But all the Policy debaters ( novice + varsity ) went to some Chipotle in the middle of Manhattan when we came back . HELL YEAH . 1st Round - - We were Neg . Two ghetto black guys . One was JV and one was a novice . Before the round starts , you 're allowed to ask the other team what their plan is . Their plan was some really weird case about stopping racism and cooperation among countries to help this happen ? SOMTHIN ' LIKE DAT . We had absolutely no idea how to run against this case , so we found our novice director and asked her for help . So she flashed us a document onto our laptop and said , " READ THIS . THIS HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEED . Even if you don 't understand this , just read it . " Literally , we had ABSOLUTELY no evidence against their case . It was so depressing . And you know what we did ? Would you like to know what we did ? We attacked everything about their plan . We won on topicality ( Again , topicality is so impossible ) , we won on the fact that the impacts of implementing their plan were far worse than the impacts of NOT implementing their plan , which made our case look awesome . Tee hee . 2nd Round - - HA . Two suckers . We were Neg . It was beautiful . I was getting so animated , and I was explaining how if we send anything else up into space , it causes a collison cascade that ultimately leads to nuclear war with Russia ( it 's a long story ) . My last words were , " . . . and it causes nuclear war " and I kind of did these weird animated sprinkling motions with my hands , and that 's when I knew the elderly judge thought I was adorable and I walked back to my partner and sat down and said , " We won . " 4th Round - - We were Neg . This , by far , was probably the hardest and most interesting round I 've ever debated . We were up against two slutty girls who seemed older than us , and walked into the room with these smug looks on their faces like , " We is so going to win . " We talked to them a bit before the round started and found out that THEY HAVE BEEN DEBATING FOR THREE YEARS . The round started . Like I said , it was the fricken ' hardest round we 've ever done , especially since they were way more experienced than us . Also , their plan had almost no flaws to it , so it was really hard for us to make it look bad and show the judge why their plan sucks . ANYWAYY . So like , I gave the very last speech for Neg ( which is also the most important one for Neg ) . And I was so nervous and freaked and I was like telling myself , " It 's okay to lose . You know you lost . Stop trying . " And yet , I made it the most passionate , intelligent Neg speech that I have ever delivered , and ignored the other team 's obvious rudeness like when they were cursing under their breaths or rolling their eyes . I CONTINUED MY AWESOME SPEECH . Like , damn . I still can 't even believe I did that . . . Next up , the Aff gave their own last speech . Honestly , I thought it was really good . So good , that my partner and I sadly began packing our papers as the judge started talking . Partner and I snap our heads up . Legit , the first thought that came to my head was , He chose Neg ? Then I guess we must be Aff . . . And he gave me the IMPOSSIBLE SPEAKER POINT OF 29 . WHICH IS FRICKEN ' IMPOSSIBLE TO GET . ( The highest is 30 , and the highest I 've heard of a novice getting is 29 . 5 ) Soon after , they gave out the awards in the auditorium . First , they announced Individual Speaker Awards . I was like , " Whatever , I 'm never good enough to get Speaker Awards , I always get Team Awards . " The bus ride back to Manhattan was amazing and festive and just felt all around good . And then from Manhattan , our group got smaller as people went their separate ways . BUT WHAT AN AWESOME NIGHT , LIKE . . . . WOW . Annyway . Our fourth tournament was the most recent . UGH . So stupid . We were having it at a REALLY BEAUTIFUL private school in Manhattan ( There was a couch in the bathroom . I swear ) , but they made all the Policy Debaters compete in the school gym . 1st Round - - We had to go up against our own team members . So fricken strange , since we knew exactly what the others ' plan was . The reason for this was because there were so many competitors from NYCScience that we were paired up with each other . We were Aff . And we won . 2nd Round - - Up against my brother 's school , two Asian dudes . We were Neg . WE MADE THEM LOOK LIKE LITTLE CHILDREN . But . . . somehow we lost . Even though that was , without a doubt , our fricken ' BEST round of the entire tournament . 3rd Round - - My brother 's school again , two Asian girls . We were Neg . It was a total phail for them . We won . Hah . SO LIKE . I still have a lot that I want to talk about on this post . I mean , it 's been SO long . . . but I feel like I 'm boring you all with debate stuff , SO BYE FOR NOW . I know , I know . . . it 's been way too long . Funny , it feels like I 'm always opening up a post with an apology now on . Sorry . I really should keep up with my posting . Anyway . This isn 't going to be long . This is just to tell you guys that I 'm still alive , cause some of my amazing followers - friends - awesome peeps were actually concerned about me , which I honestly think is the sweetest thing . Ever . And it kind of amazes me that I 've never met any of you and yet I actually care about you too . That 's . . . so . . . strange . But it feels good , you know ? Yeah . The stupid nerdy school I got into is extremely tough . My routine is to wake up at 5 : 00 am and then go to sleep at 2 : 00 am because of all the homework . So basically , I 'm awake for 21 hours at a time and have a little 3 - hour nap in between . One week feels like a super , super , super long day . And by the time the weekend comes around , I 'm pretty much ready to drop - dead and cry in a corner . How old do you guys think I am ? I 'm not into revealing my age or anything , but now that my posts are probably going to include a lot about school and stuff , it 'd probably be helpful if I told you guys . But . . . I don 't know . Age is a touchy subject with me . How old do you guys think I am ? If enough of you get it right , I 'll just tell you guys anyway . Maybe . I don 't know . Agh ! Just leave a comment and tell me how old you guys think I am ? Okie ? Good . Also , the Scholastic Art & Writing Awards has opened again ! YAYYYY ! It 'd be a crime if I didn 't tell all you wonderful writers and artists here on Blogger . Go sign up ! Why is six afraid of seven ? Six hasn 't been the same since he left Vietnam . Every time he closes his eyes , he 's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest . Not that you could ever see those bastards , mind you . They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle . He remembers the looks on the boy 's faces when they walked into that village and . . . oh Jesus . He shouldn 't think about that now . Sometimes he still hears Tex 's slow southern drawl . He remembers the smell of Brooklyn 's cigarettes . He always had a pack of Luckys . But the boys are gone now . . . he knows that . It 's - - it 's just that he forgets sometimes . And sometimes the way that seven looks at him . . . it makes him think . Sets him on edge . And he feels like he 's back there . . . In the jungle . . . In the darkness . Seven has a hook for a hand as well , which is very scary . Note : Hi there . If you 're a follower of this blog , guess what ? YOU ' VE BEEN TAGGED TO DO THIS SURVEY . GET SURVEY - ING . Average . Well , sometimes when I walk in a crowded street , people bounce off my ears and fall to the ground and get trampled over because my ears are in the way . That 's pretty average - sized , right ? Of course I didn 't kill anyone . * Scoff * What do you think I am , some type of murderer ? Some type of evil person ? Some type of person who relishes the pain of other people ? I mean , God . Just because I have a shirt that says , " I Relish The Pain Of Other People " doesn 't mean I actually do . God . Psh . 6 ) If you could use any fruit to describe the size and shape of your head , what fruit would you use ? 7 ) Is there any famous person you 'd go gay for ? Please state their name . This question is , of course , purely for academic purposes . GO TO SPACE ! ! ! Wait wait wait . . . SCUBA DIVE IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN ! ! Wait wait wait . . . God , this is hard . GO TO SPA - no , wait . . . I 'd had my blog since November 3 , 2010 . As you can see , it 's relatively new . It hasn 't even passed one year left . I started it because of a couple of reasons : My dear cousin Misticalnia got a blog like the week before me , so I was like , " Screw it . Everyone 's making a blog . Might as well try it . " I used to keep a diary a while ago , but for some reason I stopped in the summer before seventh grade . This probably wasn 't a good decision , cause well . I 'm a writer . I write . That 's just what I do . And I hate it when I forget about memories and stuff . So if I don 't write down every little thing that happens to me somewhere , I get really anxious . I have to have every single thing of my life documented somewhere , or I 'll be restless . So although I never started writing a diary again , this blog was an alternative . And I 'm glad I made one . Well , I don 't exactly have a lot of phobias . Just the usual . You know . Dogs , handkerchiefs , computers , sunlight , trees , birds , people , children , babies , adults , elderly folk , pencils , dying , apples , television , blogs , printers , and those nasty , nasty enchiladas . That 's just a few of them . But you know - nothing radical . Eh . . . I was avoiding this question . When I was reading this survey for the first time on Christopher 's blog , I knew then that this question was going to annoy me . And look at that ! It is annoying me . Okay . I 'm going to do this completely off the top of my head . They could change at any moment . These are the ones I 'd pick for this particular second in this particular minute of this particular day . Yeah . My four bloggers would be : Natalie at A Natalie Moment Bookish . Spazz at Bookish . Spazz ( I had so much fun saying that ) Nas at Closing Pandora 's Box ( Such an amazing name for a blog , right ? He 's amazing , too ) Mischief Managed at iRadish . Like an iPod . But Awesome . ThatBlondGuy ( Christopher , the tiny leprechaun who made up this survey ) at The Nerd Archives NO . THAT IS NOT SIX BLOGGERS . IT ' S ONLY FOUR . SHUT UP . YOU CAN ' T COUNT . Omigosh this is hard . There 's so many ! Ferris Bueller 's Day Off , The Karate Kid , Back to the Future , E . T . , Star Wars - the list goes on and on . 16 ) Imagine that you open your bedroom closet one day and suddenly a portal opens up . You can 't see what is at the end of the portal , but there is a totoro inside it motioning you to follow him . Would you go inside , even if it might mean you 'll never come back ? I . . . I can 't even imagine that scenario . Part of me wouldn 't even REALIZE that I 'd be taking a risk by going inside , so I would . The other part , if told that I 'd never come back , would definitely not . This question could not have been asked at a better time . A friend I made at my new school during the summer courses ( which are now over , by the way ) has an inside joke with me where basically we yell at each other in the halls , " DO YOU LIKE BABIES ? " and then the other replies , " YES I LIKE BABIES . " I 'm not sure how this started , but it 's a pretty awesome inside joke . Yes , I 'm following The Nerd Archives . The real question should be : Are you following I Don 't Skinny Dip I Chunky Dunk ? If not , DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR OF DOING SO NOW . I Got In a Fight With a Really Big Guy , and He Said , " I 'm Going to Mop the Floor With Your Face . " I said , " You 'll Be Sorry . " He said , " Oh , Yeah ? Why ? " I said , " Well , You Won 't Be Able to Get Into the Corners Very Well . " OH MY GOSH IT HAS BEEN SO LONG . So much has happened since the last time I actually posted . And by posted , I don 't mean showing you guys cool poems or something . I mean actually POSTING . Yeah . So the last time I made a real post was on May 23rd . That was like , two months ago . If you think nothing has happened in two months , then you 're very very very very very wrong . Your comments on the last post made me feel needed . I felt special . And those comments were the ones that actually made me think , Wow . People actually read my blog . I better go write a post . Before I begin this wildly epic post , I would like to pose a question : When I write a really long post , you guys complain about the longevity of it . And then when I post a little bit , you guys say you need more . I don 't know how to find a balance between the two because I suck , so which one would ya 'll prefer to read ? THANKS . Ms . Attorney ( the English teacher I had before school ended ) was talking about different styles of writing in class one day . She started calling out her best writers in class and describing how they write . She talked about one kid named Daniel and said that he was a very analytical , critical writer . Then she called out Lydia ( the crazy grades person ) and said she was a visual writer . And then she called out me and said , " Eeshie 's an old soul . When you read her writing , it sounds like she 's been writing for years . " I was beaming at this comment , but then my friend ruined it for me by saying that I write like a grandma . Meanie . I got out of school to go to some poetry competition ! Yayy ! My two friends Cindy and Ophelia were with me , so it was all good . My poem was lonnnnnnnng ( just like my posts . See a trend here ? ) and sad . My best poems are all long and sad . When I read it out loud , people were like patting my backs and giving me looks of pity and saying stuff like , " I 'm sorry . " And then I was like , " Um . . . this isn 't real . I made it up . " And then they all straightened their backs and said , " Oh ! Well then . " Yeah it was amusing . I didn 't win , and neither did my friends . But , one of the winners was from our school , and she totally absolutely COMPLETELY deserved to win . Her poem was real . All emotions were straight from the heart . And it was sad . It was like about how her father left her family and stuff and it was just so amazing and when she found out she won she started crying . So epic right there . Ophelia , being awesomely artistic , made this dress for some play we started - but - never - finished in school ( The dress is being modeled by our other friend Alexis ) : . My friend Cindy drew this . The realistic - ness is frightening . On June 9th , school was closed for all students in NYC . On this day , that smartical school that I will be attending in September was having some kind of day that was similar to an orientation for incoming / transferring students . Also , they would be administering a math and english placement test . No one really knew where they were going . I saw one Asian boy and one Asian girl walking around . I had seen them on the train with an elderly figure that could pass as their mother , so I assumed they were siblings . " Oh how old are you ? " I asked the girl . She said she was the same age as me . So then I asked the same question to the boy . Again , he was the same age as me . So I said , " Oh , you guys are twins ? ? " I found out that the girl 's name was Kerry and the boy 's name was Kevin . I mean , COME ON . They even have similar names ! Why not just be siblings ! ? Pretty soon , everyone was rounded up and sent to their homeroom . Kerry and I sat near each other . Here , we 'd be taking the placement test . First came the math . It was so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so impossibly , frustratingly difficult . It didn 't help matters that the teacher administering the test said , " If you screw this test up , you 'll be placed in a low - level math class . " The writing was after that . I was expecting a nice prompt or persuasive essay - something that I was amazing in . Instead , they gave us an article on global warming and some short answer questions . After the tests were over , I asked everyone around me how they found the math test . That fact that most of them said , " Wow , that was so easy ! I can 't believe that test was for a school as good as this one ! I was done in two minutes ! " did not comfort me . Ah , well . What 's done is done . There was an optional test after that for people who wanted to join Math Team . Yeah , I didn 't join . As if . Then , I joined Speech and Debate Team . Our team is the # 1 in the country and never loses to any school . # 2 is some random school in California , but OUR school is # 1 , and it has like over 300 members . WOW . Then I joined Key Club . Obvious reasons . I 'm in desperate need of volunteering hours . My 99 hours was done like , three years ago . Now they might not accept it . Robotics . . . . Don 't ask . They reeled me in with free stuff . I asked the energetic girl there , " What if you have like , no knowledge on engineering at all ? " She said , " No worries ! ! I learned everything here ! ! " MSA ! ! ! If you hadn 't realized , that means ' Muslim Student 's Association . ' I walked up there feeling kind of self - conscious about not wearing hijab , but then this really tall hot Paki guy who was in MSA smiled and said , " Assalamwalaikum " and I was just like , " WHERE ' S THE PEN ? ! ? I GOTTA SIGN UP ! ! " Yeah . So . MSA looked really fun . I think the hijab - clad girls there knew how self - conscious I felt , so they assured me , " Don 't worry . Lots of our members don 't wear hijab . Not all of them are even Muslim . " Kerry made me look at the Gay - Straight Alliance with her , even though I had absolutely no intention or desire to join . I wanted to make a quick getaway , but then they noticed me . So it 'd be weird if I didn 't say anything . For our Honor Society Induction Ceremony , four people were chosen to read their essays . I was the only one from Gryffindor - everyone else was from Hufflepuff . Of course , right ? I read the essay pretty badly . . . which kind of sucks . But ah , well . What 's done is done . At least I got to light a big - ass candle that was reserved for essay readers . Yup . In a separate awards ceremony that followed the Honor Society one , I got a Gold Medal for Yearbook . I laughed . I also got a President 's Award or something . . . WITH A PIN ! ! ! Now , for the past years that I 've gotten the President 's Award , I never ever got a pin . We have like a stack of those awards and there are no pins with them . But this year , I GOT A PIN ! ! ! WHOO ! ! ! ! IT ' S SO SMALL AND CUTE ! ! Pins are awesome . Ohmygosh at the end of the awards ceremony , they said , " And now what you 've all been anxiously waiting for . . . we will reveal the Top 12 students who will be competing for Valedictorian and Salutatorian . " At this moment , I clasped my hands together and prayed . No joke . And when they called my name , a HUGE ( like , embarrassingly huge ) grin of relief and happiness broke out onto my face . For a moment , I thought I wouldn 't get called . But when I was , I was so freaking happy . On the stage , I passed my awesome science teacher and we exchanged smiles . She nodded at me in a way that said , " See ? You 're in the Top 12 . Told you so . " Gosh , I love her . Standing up there was truly amazing . The whole audience was applauding and some people actually stood up . My parents were smack dab in the middle of it all and were smiling like crazy . And my friend Helen in the first row was yelling my name like crazy . From Gryffindor , the top students were MH , Lydia , Zainab , and me . After the program was over , everyone was let out into the lobby and cake was being served . It was crazy and packed and everyone was sweating . Somehow in the midst of it all , I found Zainab and we screamed each other 's names . Then we grabbed MH from nearby . And soon Lydia joined us and said , " Hey we did it ! ! " We all wanted to say something to express our happiness and excitement , but no one could make any complete sentences . Finally , we just hugged each other and put our heads together and screamed . Sigh . . . good times . I 'm going to miss being known as the smart one . This is all about to change . You 'll see in a few bullets . . . I finally bought a hair straightener . Yeah , I 'm a teenage girl and I just bought one . I 'm a fail . It 's so … convenient ! : D Our school was hosting this huge End - Of - The - Year dance for us . They called it " Prom " just to get us excited , but it wasn 't Prom . We thought it was . But it wasn 't . It was just a regular , rinky - dink dance in the school gym where the boys come in wearing anything and the girls come in way dressed up . Yeah , I didn 't go - last year , some retards put drugs in the punch . - . - My school is just amazing , eh ? These are two other people trying to model . The one on the left is the other Eeshie in my school , who I kind of like . The one on the right is mah friend Natalie . Our End - Of - The - Year field trip was the worst field trip . Ever . In my life . The absolute worst , I tell you . It involved walking to the nearby college where we had our program during Spring Break . And we walked in like , 100 degree heat . Everyone turned three shades darker . I had no water with me . I … was . . . dying ! When we finally got there , there wasn 't even anything for us to do . All they did was serve us food , and they allowed us into the huge football field where there was some sports equipment . Who in their right mind would do anything in that heat ? ? The teachers there were being really bitchy and were forcing everyone to sit on the bleachers - which were in direct sunlight . Fortunately , my friends and I are badass and cut under the bleachers until we were behind them . Behind them was a narrow strip of concrete that was in front of a building . This narrow strip of cold concrete under shadows was our sanctuary . I appreciated it so much that I took a picture of it : Heavenly , no ? On the way back to school , the weather was even hotter . Everyone was whiny and didn 't want to go back to school , especially the ones who live closer to the college than to the school ( LIKE ME ) . I knew that as soon as we got to school , and the bell rang to dismiss us , I 'd just be going back in the same direction . Which sucked . Finally , when the heat simply became too unbearable for us , we said , " SCREW THIS FIELD TRIP ! " and ran into some random air - conditioned Dunkin Donuts we happened to be passing . Turns out that half the school had snuck in their as well . HA ! It was actually a Dunkin Donuts / Baskin Robbins , so Zainab and I shared a smoothie . Usually I don 't buy smoothies at Baskin Robbins , but Zainab insisted that it was delicious . And holy guacamole , it was awesome . Yeah . I think the teachers realized that we were gone , and they quietly went back to school anyway cause they wanted their air - conditioned rooms . Aren 't they just so responsible ? Psh whatever . Eventually , us badasses ( hehe ) went back to school . In the side of the front building , there 's a garden with this huge water sprinkler . Everyone was having an awesome time there , getting drenched and cooling off . I didn 't get to go , because I was dragged upstairs to Mr . Goldburg 's room - who has the best air conditioning of the school . YAY . Whilst we were cooling off in the classroom , my friend MH came in like half an hour later completely soaked head to toe in water . She let out a pleasured moan , and we all knew she was officially cooled off . Her boyfriend James followed suit , equally drenched . They both collapsed on the ground and rested , lying flat on their backs . Well . It was a total , huge success . I was like , on every color page . Everyone was confused . " Why is Eeshie on this page ? And this page ? And again , she 's here too ! " HAHAHAH IT WAS SO AMUSING . Ms . Reda signed my yearbook with like , tears in her eyes . She thanked me for helping out with the yearbook and gave me her email address so that I could update her with my life . It surprised me , but the gesture was so sweet . I got such horrible grades on my Regents . Ugh . For Math , I got a 92 % . And for Science , I got a 94 % . BEFORE YOU ALL LAUGH AT ME FOR NOT LIKING MY GRADE , let me just say that I really should have done better because I know I 'm capable of more . If I could have gotten a 100 % on my Spanish Midterm two years ago , an impossibly high grade that was even better than the grades of the Hispanic people in my class , I really should have done better . I 'm just so freaking lazy and now I 'm regretting it . Two days after finding out the " Top 12 , " we were called down to my yearbook teacher 's classroom , instructed to bring our laptops . We went down nervously , because the way they chose the Valedictorian and Salutatorian was through writing . They 'd give us a period or two to write on a topic they gave us , and whoever did the best would be the Valedictorian . On - demand writing . So we went down and were given the topic and were told to begin . My first piece was pretty awesome . But my second piece was horrific . At least I didn 't cheat and use the Internet for tips and strategies like ¾ of the people there did . Did I win ? … . no . Haha . Bet I had you going over there . No , I did not win . The Valedictorian was this incredible genius who we all knew was going to be valedictorian . Salutatorian was what the real competition was . Turns out it was MH ! We were all shocked , because her essay was . . . . well . . . very bad . I feel mean saying it but really , it was . She even admitted it . You could tell she was running out of ideas because she included Justin Beiber in her essay . But somehow . . . I guess they . . . liked it ? I don 't know how , but she became the Salutatorian . She was so confused . She looked over at me as soon as she heard her name and said , " I thought you were going to get it ! " And then she was very happy with herself . Zainab and I were going insane ! We were so happy for her , and happy that at least someone from Gryffindor was the Salutatorian . But Lydia was like , depressed that it wasn 't her . Everyone could tell . Ah , well . My birthday passed on June 27th . That Blond Guy was the only who remembered . Because I appreciated his gesture so much , I bought him an elephant that can fly . He really enjoys the elephant and has named it Frederick the Third . My birthday was pretty cool . The day before , I was going crazy trying to finish one last project that we had , even thought it was the end of the year ( Who gives projects when there are two days of school left ? ? ) I didn 't notice when the clock stuck twelve and it was officially my birthday . As soon as it turned June 27th , my parents gave me gifts . They gave me a set of body lotions , shower gels , body sprays and stuff like that . It was Cherry Blossom . Yummy . Also , my mom gave me a bunch of rings and necklaces and earrings and stuff . YES . Oh yes , and the day before , Misticalnia came over with her family . They got me cake . And also , they got me a supermegafoxyawesomehot handbag . Oh my gosh . So freaking pretty . It was amaaaaaaazing . THANKS , MISTICALNIA ! ! ! ! ( She 's probably not even reading this post . That 's how wonderful my dear cousin is - _ - ) On the day of my birthday , I walked into the classroom and braced myself to the wall as people started yelling , " HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! ! " After overcoming my initial shock that everyone knew , I blushed and thanked them . Logan gave me a hug . Hehe . And Ruby gave me a HUGE gift bag with a bunch of helium balloons attached to it and squished me in a huge hug and gushed : Inside the bag was like , a lot of things . I kind of felt guilty that she bought me so much stuff , but I didn 't say anything at first . But when she pulled out a tin foil pie tray and said , " I made you a cake ! " I couldn 't help but tell her . So apparently , Alexis ' boyfriend Erik and I share the same birthday . He 's in the Hufflepuff honors class . My birthday was on June 27th , and school ended on June 28th , so no one was really going to any of their classes ( including me ) . Around third period or so , a bunch of my friends and I went into my math teacher 's room so he could sign our yearbooks , and we saw the whole Hufflepuff honors class in their , having their own little pizza party . It was weird , because our math teacher 's room is in Gryffindor territory . . . so why would they be in here ? ANYWAY . The room was super crowded , because there were a lot of people from Gryffindor in their too , just as confused as we were . Erik was in the classroom , sitting next to Alexis . He had a single balloon tied on his arm . I knew that it was his birthday , but he didn 't know it was my birthday . So I walked up to him with my huge bundle of gifts and balloons and teddy bear that said , " I Love You " and said , " Happy birthday , Erik ! " He started blushing like crazy , because he thought I was giving all that stuff to him - including the " I Love You " crap . " Thanks , " he said , cheeks pink . I didn 't realize what was going , so I turned around walked away . He was really confused , probably thinking , Where 's my presents ? She just walked away with them ! YN was the only one who knew what was going on , and she explained to both us between fits of laughter . When my awesome science teacher saw all the gifts I got , she raised her eyebrows in approval and said , " Nice haul , kid . " I cracked up . She also gave me a hug . Tee hee . What made my birthday even more awesome was that I got Chinese food from my parents that night . I . Love . Chinese . Food . So . Much . Come on , how could you not love this ? June 28th , the day after my birthday , was the last day of school . It was a highly emotional day for everyone , cause we 're probably never going to see each other again . Senora Cifuentes was still putting lessons on the board , dutifully teaching us . I had her class third period , so I thought , Well , I skipped all my other classes . Might as well go to one of them and say good - bye . So I went over to the Spanish room with people from my Spanish class and we peered through the door window to see what was going on . It was a pathetic scene . Four or five people who didn 't cut because they 're goody - goods stuck in their with Senora Cifuentes , copying down notes and listening to her whine about the heat . She glanced over at the door window and we took off sprinting in the other direction . That was the last I ever saw of her . What a wonderful way to end things . We also got our report cards . I 'm proud to say that I did not obsess over every little detail ( even though my dad did ) . My final average for the year was over 100 % . I am happy . This one kid was still wearing uniform . On the last day of school . - __ - Who wears uniform on the last day of school ? Does he honestly think he 's going to get in trouble ? ! Yeah . So . A lot of my friends were blubbering and had tears and snot all over their faces . I was sad , but I didn 't cry . The ones that I truly love and miss , I know I 'll make a point to see them . And what do you know ? I already have . : ) A few days after school ended , SUMMER SCHOOL BEGAN . Yes , my friends . Now you find out what 's been keeping me from this blog . Summer school . No , no - I didn 't fail anything . It 's kind of like , the complete opposite . I have optional summer school . I didn 't have to take the classes . But I 'd be an idiot if I didn 't take advantage of this . The school that I 'll be attending in September ( That smartical school I talked about a while ago . # 2 in the city or some crap ? Yeah , that one ) offers summer classes for six weeks . You can take three classes - Art / Drama , Music , and Health Science . These courses are like , the real shit . They 're just as serious as if you take them during the school year . Perhaps they 're even more serious - after all , it 's a whole year 's worth of a course done in six weeks . Time is scarce . Anyway , these grades follow you just as your math and english scores follow you everywhere - like college , high school transcripts - whatever . Classes are from 8 : 10 am to 1 : 00 pm . Each class is 1 ½ hours long . Now , if my school were to be on the North Pole , then my house would be on the South Pole . Seriously . That 's how far the commute is , and they 're like on complete opposite ends . Plus , I have to take the subway to get there , which means it takes even longer . SO , when you consider everything , the time it takes to get to my school is 1 ½ - 2 hours . Yup . It 's been an exhausting summer so far . Especially since they give us so much damn work ! ! When I signed up for summer school , I guess I didn 't completely get it into my brain , Okay . You 're going to the second - best high school in New York City , which is also one of the best in the country . The work is about to get mighty tough . Be prepared . Be ready . Well I was NOT prepared and I was NOT ready for the boatload of work we were given ! It wouldn 't have been so bad , but the work is hard too ! Like , what the hell ? ! ? ! ? ! Ugh . And that 's just Health Science , Art , and Music . Imagine how the REAL classes are going to be ( Not mentioning any specific classes . . . MATH . . . ahem , cough , cough I suck at math , sneeze cough ) ^ Exactly how I felt . I wanted to cry . Fortunately , my teacher is being nice since we 're new students and stuff , and she gave us an extra credit assignment . Currently , I have a 90 % as my average . - . - I don 't like it . It 's an A - . I don 't do anything other than A + . We 'll see - __ - The train ride there gives me a lot of time to think . Well , at least for the first half . The first train I take ( let 's call it the A Train ) is from my house to Manhattan . The A Train is pretty sleepy . Most of the people there are going to work or going early shopping . Just as it starts to get crowded , I get off the train at some stop in Manhattan . Four huge , endless flights of stairs later , I 'm out of the Manhattan station . Once I 'm out , I begin a short walk to another nearby train station . I like this short Manhattan walk , even more so when I 'm coming home . It 's bustling with activity . So I walk to the other station and go down two long flights of stairs and get to my next train ( let 's call it the B Train ) . The rest of the ride to school is more hectic than sleepy . Mainly because it 's packed with other students going to my school . For some reason , every single day I go on the B train in the mornings , this dude named MC is there with all his friends . And every single day I come home on the B train , I see MC and his posse again . ( Yeah I used the word posse . Tis a cool word ) They 're really rowdy and you get the feeling that they think they 're very cool ( Well , most of them . There 's actually a couple of guys that are genuine super sweet . ) Ugh , and there 's just so many of them that they take up like so many seats in the train . I can 't tell you how many times I 've had to stand up the whole time there . Annoying . So before I knew that MC and his friends were a year older than me , I didn 't care if I was the rudest girl on Earth towards him . On one particular day , I saw an empty seat and zoomed towards it , sitting down before checking who it was next to . I turned around and found myself face to face with none other than MC . I blushed and stared straight ahead the whole time . We both see each other regularly but we never spoke a word to each other . So this was strange . Oh yes . Lydia . I forgot to mention her . Well , since we both got into the same school , we 've been coming home together every day for the past few weeks . We 're like . . . kinda . . . sorta . . . oh my gosh , I don 't wanna say it . . . . . . . . ugh . . . . f - frien . . . f - friennn . . . . AQUAINTANCES ! ! I refuse to call her my f - word . But yeah we come home together . And we 've had some strange experiences together while coming home , so I guess we 're . . . UCK bonding . These stories are also very funny , but they have to be on my next post . Too long . CLASSES . What can I say about them ? First I have Music with a person we 'll call Mr . Marshall . He 's . . . very boring . And he 's Jamaican . And he 's elderly . And the first day of class , he took attendance for the first thirty minutes . And he thinks all his students know how to play the recorder , when the truth is that I can 't play the recorder for shit . Someone needs to tell him , Just because most of your class is made up of rich Manhattan musical prodigies and Asians who can do anything , does NOT mean that I know how to play the recorder . After Music , I have Health Science with Ms . Prude . She 's a great teacher and the class is good , but . . . it 's just too smart for me . I feel like a total failure , because I know nothing . After that I have the last class of the day : Art with Ms . Drexer . She 's . . . strange . Everyday , she comes in wearing black . And if that 's not enough , she cycles the same three black outfits everyday . Black dress , black jumpsuit , black pants and shirt . And they 're not even regular black outfits - they 're like so ancient / colonial . I don 't know why she can 't get other clothing . I feel kind of bad for her - like , I 'll buy her a giftcard if she wants . Is that weird ? :\ Anyway . I 'm doing AWESOME at Art . Who knew , right ? ! ? On the left is the original drawing , and on the right is mine . Okay , it 's not beautiful , but with my level of skills , it 's pretty darned good . I think I 'm going to end this post now . In truth , there 's so much freaking more to tell you guys ( I 'm already writing a list so I can start another post : D ) but I 've kept from you guys long enough . I hope this post was long enough for you guys . Mwahahhahaha ! : D I go on the train every single day and I see this poster every single day . In every single subway station . It 's so frustrating that I haven 't seen the movie yet .

Enter through the narrow gate . For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction , and many enter through it . But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life , and only a few find it . Matthew 7 : 13 - 14 This post was originally published on January 12 , 2013 . We kept a Jesus Stocking all through Advent last year ( and will again this year ) . Each evening after dinner , we would all write down one thing we were thankful for and place it in the stocking . Then , we read all of the bits of paper aloud on Christmas morning . A quick aside ~ I mention at the bottom of the post that I could have kept it going all year long . Well this actually is something we do all year long now . The girls and I write in our Gratitude Journals most mornings . There 's no better way to start the day than with gratitude for all that God has blessed you with ! I will tell you that when we read them all on Christmas day , the Hippie cried more than once because she felt bad that she " didn 't write all the good stuff " that we did . The poor girl felt so guilty that she had only said " family " and not listed us individually . I assured her that we are all different and that we just thought of different things to write at dinner each night , but I know her heart and have no doubt how thankful she is for everything . That girl truly has a heart of GOLD . These are in no particular order ~ just stuffed in the stocking . And , yes , there are a few repeats . Hey , it 's hard to remember what you 've already written after 24 days ! The Princess : Post re - run . . . Are you living at the center of God 's will for you ? This post was originally published on June 11 , 2012 . Enjoy . . . But , how do we know when we are living at the center of God 's will for our life ? Does your life feel centered and peaceful ? I 'm not talking perfect or quiet ( especially I know to the core of my being that I am doing His will with regards to my choosing to be a wife and mother above all else . I know that it is God 's will for me to be at home . I know that it is God 's will for me to provide food for my family in a loving way , each and every day . I know that it is God 's will for me to keep my girls home and form lasting relationships with them while educating them about this amazing world that He created for us . I know that it is God 's will for me to provide a loving home for my children and for my husband to thrive in . I know that it is God 's will for me to strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman for my husband and for my family . living in the center of God 's will ? Would He be providing more for us if we were more directly in the center of His will ? What is His will for us ? What is His will for my husband ? What is His will for my husband 's career and the manner in which we earn a living ? What is His will for how we , as a family , spend our days ? What might we be missing ? How do we find the answer in the midst of day to day survival ? I don 't fully know the answers to these questions , to be perfectly honest . But , it certainly got me thinking . And , I brought it up to my husband , so it got us talking . it is going to be possible without the help of God . So , I took the first step . Prayer . I asked God to show us what it is that He wants us to do . I asked Him to provide the means to make it happen if it is to be Where do you get your strength when things get tough ? Do you lean on God as He has instructed us to do ? When your life continues to feel like an uphill battle , do you ever stop to think that maybe you are out in the middle of that hurricane rather than living peacefully in the calm of God 's will ? " Trust in the LORD with all your heart ; And lean not upon your own understanding . In all your ways acknowledge Him , And He shall direct your path . " Proverbs 3 : 5 - 6 Post re - run . . . The TA - DA List This post was originally published on January 17 , 2012 . I thought it was appropriate for this time of year because so many of you have never - ending to - do lists during the Holiday season . Take a moment . Slow down . Revel in what you did do at the end of each day . about . You clean the house from top to bottom , inside and out , every corner , every crack , every crevice . You get on your hands and knees , you scrub with a tooth brush . You clean until your fingers bleed . Then , someone comes along and wipes a finger along the one window sill you forgot to wipe and comments on the dust . teaching my children and I had no animals and could spend 100 % of my time working on my lists without interruptions . But , yuck . Where would the joy be in life ? What would be the point of the things on my list if I didn 't have these sweet people to do them for ? I like lists . I do best when I have a plan of what I need to accomplish . The problem comes when the day is over ( or whenever my mojo runs out ) and the list is not completed . Now comes the guilt , the shame , the internal name - calling and So , the other day , I did just that . I had about 15 to 20 things on my " to - do list " . Things like baking muffins and doing school and reading my Bible and cleaning the kitchen well and taking a shower and cleaning the bathroom and blogging and calling my mom and balancing my checkbook and making phone calls and doing our library stuff online ( what needs to be returned , reserve upcoming materials for school ) and type out a poem for the Hippie to memorize and reply to two emails asking me questions about food ( raw and vegan ) and make dinner and make lunch and clean up after each meal and . . . . . Thanksgiving is just a few days away . From what I understand , it is one of the most traveled holidays of the year , if not THE most traveled holiday . That tells me that there will be a lot of people sharing space with family ~ with siblings and parents and in - laws . Or , in many cases , I 'm afraid , it can be a stressful thing . A time of dealing with family members that get under your skin . A time of biting your tongue as comments are made . But , that doesn 't mean you can 't have a beautiful holiday celebration with your family . The holidays can still be a time of love and peace and kindness . Memories can still be made with all of those perfect little children . Joy can still be at the center of your celebrations . Surrounded by those who constantly exhibit defects of character and conduct , if we yield to a complaining and impatient spirit , we shall mar our own peace without having the satisfaction of benefiting others . ~ T . C . Upham If there is someone in your family that gives you particular difficulty in this area , start praying for them now . Each and every morning in your quiet time with God , pray for the person who tests your righteous behavior the most . Pray that they are blessed . Pray for peace and happiness to find its way small sauce pan . Saute onion and garlic in melted butter . Add flour , nutritional yeast and Bragg 's and combine with the butter . Slowly whisk in the broth , combining with the flour mixture to avoid clumps . Add seasonings and bring to a boil . Reduce heat and simmer , stirring constantly for about 10 minutes . YUM . O . 20 minutes . At the same time , melt the butter in another skillet and saute the onion in that butter . Add the onion , butter , sour cream and cheese to a big mixing bowl . When squash is finished , place a clean towel in a colander , add squash to towel and squeeze as much liquid out of the squash as you can . Add the drained squash to the mixing bowl . Mix teaspoon of that and add it to your bowl of goodies ( throw the remaining seasoning into your mashed potatoes ) . Combine all of the ingredients well and then add to a square baking dish . Top with crushed crackers and bake for about 25 to 30 minutes . ENJOY . processing some more . Spread 1 cup of this mixture into the bottom of the pie crust . Now , add the rest of the ingredients to the food processor and process until smooth , scraping the sides again . Smooth the forgive the quality of the pictures . These are from the 80s . Even if I were to try to give you some more recent pictures of these amazing people , the pictures would still be fuzzy . Why , you ask ? Well , two of them went to be with their Heavenly Father before the " digital age " . Thanksgiving in Louisville . The longest day ever , but oh so worth it . I didn 't watch football back then , so it bored me to tears to have an entire day of waiting to fellowship of family . My aunt and uncles . My cousins . My near 100 year old GrandMomma . My dad . My mom . My little brother . My Nana & Grandpa . Stuffing balls ( hehe ) , olives , sweet gerkins and SHIRLEY TEMPLES . Oh the SHIRLEY TEMPLES . I 'd venture to say it was also oh so worth it for my parents . It was the one day we could wake them up before dawn . Now that I am a parent , I have a whole new respect for their willingness to get out of bed SO VERY EARLY , just for us . I remember trying to wake my dad up at 4 : 30 a . m . once . He just nicely told me it was a bit too early . I waited patiently until about 6 : 00 . woke them up EARLY . They made us W . A . I . T . while they got their coffee ( Of course , I TOTALLY get that now ) . They wanted to see our faces as we came into the living room . Beautiful , amazing , wonderful memories . can 't help but get a little weepy this time of year . I turn into a big baby . I miss my Daddy . I miss my little brother . I want to wake my Daddy up at 4 in the morning again and have him tell me ever so sweetly that it is just a little bit too early . I want to wait for my Daddy to make his coffee . I want to squeal in anticipation with my little brother as we are both about to climb out of our skin . I want to hug my Daddy and feel his rough fingers as they squeeze me back . I want to see that joy in his eyes as he spends Christmas morning with the greatest thing he 's ever done ~ his family . I want to joke with my Daddy and my brother in Louisville as we wait for dinner at Thanksgiving ( my immediate family were the only ones who didn 't watch football in those days ) . I want to watch as my brother makes jokes that no one gets but us . I want to watch I want to step back . Just for a minute , please . I want to smell them . I want to hug them . I want to feel their arms around me . has given me the gift of a family of my own . He has given me the opportunity to make those same memories for my own children . I must look I 'm making memories for my girls . We are decorating our tree . We are making them Shirley Temples and watching football on Thanksgiving . We are making them wait just a bit longer on Christmas morning as we fix our hot tea . taking them to Bethlehem . To see the Roman Soldiers and listen to them demand your taxes . To see the people of Bethlehem , selling their wares . To see and smell and pet all of the animals , goats , sheep , chickens , ponies , horses , donkeys and of course the camel . To see the little children of Bethlehem cooking over their fires , weaving on their looms . To hear the shofar as the Rabbi calls people to the temple . And , to the inn that had no more room . To the stable to see the live baby Jesus . This post was originally published on May 29 , 2011 . I include it here not because it has anything at all to do with the Holidays , but because I got some good laughs out of reading it and thought you might need a laugh as well . Moms ~ remember that when your days look like this , even if it feels as though no one is watching and no one appreciates how hard you work , God is always watching . He knows what you do and He is thankful that you do it ! As an update to the information in this post ~ the two cats we now call Marley and Judah were once two of these adorable kittens . I guess we did end up keeping a couple . Oh , but they are the sweetest cats ever ! Enjoy . . . it with you immediately , but it totally and completely drained me ~ physically and mentally . By the end of it , there was no " writing " left in me . Of course , by now , I can 't remember all of the details , but let me do my best to share what I can remember . Friday is supposed to be our Homeschool Co - op day . This particular Friday was supposed to be our last co - op for the year . Keep in mind , this co - op we 've been attending this year is 45 minutes away . . . in another city entirely . Gas is expensive . But socialization is important . The girls need that time to spend with their friends . It requires a lot walk the dog ( and get her good and tired to spend the day in her kennel ) close enough to our departure time , but with enough time left for Momma to take a shower . We have to load up and be out of here in time to drive the 45 minutes and hopefully have time to eat our lunch before the co - op starts at 1 : 00 . Friday started pretty typically . I started with my tea . . . I skipped my workout ( shame shame ) , but went ahead and began preparing the girls ' lunches . I had no idea what to make for me because our kitchen was BARE . . . I mean BARE . I mean only ingredients for COOKING . . nothing for me to eat . No and Daddy had just informed me that his paycheck was about $ 250 less than expected . . . the start of the GOOD NEWS of the day , I guess ) . While I 'm trying to come up with something for me , the Princess informs me that she doesn 't feel well . Her tummy hurts . A few minutes later , the Hippie informs me that she has accidentally pulled the towel rack out of the wall in her bathroom . Not just a towel rack . It ripped a HUGE whole in the wall . Fabulous . if we should go . It 's the last day of co - op . Most people have summer fever at this point and aren 't coming much anymore . The Hippie hasn 't knitted enough on her hat to finish it today in class anyway . There 's not even anything planned for the third hour for the girls . The Princess doesn 't feel well . Gas is expensive , we 're on empty and I don 't have the money to fill up ( really ) . I have nothing for lunch . Maybe we should just take the day off . eventually decide that we 'll just stay home . We 'll run to the store , stop at the library and pick up a movie for the three of us and just snuggle up at home . Take it easy . HA . . . little did I know . Okay , the girls are okay with this plan . Excited about a girlie movie with Momma . But , we have to walk the dog first . If not , she 'll poop in her kennel while we are out ( she 's a royal pain in the # @ ! , though I love her ) . So , we head out at about 10 : 30 am for our usual morning walk . I 'm not planning to " huff it " ( for exercise ) . I don 't even have my tone - up shoes on . . . just flip flops . Let 's just get the dog to do her business . We get to the end of our street and take a right . Like every day . We are crossing the street when the Hippie notices a small animal crate . " What 's in the crate , Momma ? Can I check and see ? " " Sure , honey . Let me pick up this poop . " ( the dog had done her business pretty quickly ) my family , you know that we are NOT going to leave them here to die . This means , I now have the responsibility of finding homes for all of these kittens and the momma cat . " Well , we have to walk the dog first . Let 's just head up to the bridge and back and I 'll grab them when we get back . " Momma 's racking her brain for people who might want kittens . Trying to figure out how to tell Daddy . He , too would NEVER leave them ( or any animal ) to die . But , he is adimant about us not getting another cat until the one we have dies . He doesn 't want more than one anymore . ago , one of our cats got sick . I first noticed that he was VERY skinny . But , he was " normal " otherwise . We tried to fatten him up by buying him straight tuna and salmon and mackerel . We brought him into the back porch so that he didn 't have to go far to get to his food . We watched as he became paralyzed . First has hind legs quit working . He would drag them around . But , still HE was normal ( same personality , no pain , no suffering ) . We simply could not afford to take him to the vet only to pay several hundred dollars for tests and for them to once again to nurse him back to health . And , if not , as long as he wasn 't in pain , we 'd let him live out his days in the comfort of his home , eating tuna like a King , happy . That is just what he did . He never suffered . He died Thursday morning . Back to Friday . So , my precious daughters lost their dog , Faith , three months ago . They of years ago . . . another story . So , in their short life , they 've lost three beloved pets . In comes a super sweet Momma Cat and her six kittens . Into a family that cannot afford to care for the animals it has ( well , we can afford food and we have heart guard and advantage , but we can 't afford the vet when something goes wrong ) . So , here we have a 6 and 8 year old little girl , in love and excited about a cat and kittens , who just lost their cat , who cannot the main drag , so they 've decided to detour all of the traffic coming off of I - 95 into our huge city DOWN MY STREET ~ lovely ! ) . Kittens are screaming because I 'm tossing them around , so I give the Hippie the leash so I can hold the crate more securely . The Princess is having trouble carrying both scooters , so they trade . We finally make it home . Terrific . Something is wrong with the dog . I hurry over to see what 's up with her . She vomits again . She is shaking . She seems stiff . She won 't lay down . She 's drooling profusely . The Princess thinks she 's going to die now . To be honest , I wonder the same thing . Spectacular . I haven 't even had the chance to call Daddy about the kitties yet and now I 've got to tell him the dog is possibly going to die . Now , I have two piles of vomit and some dog pee to clean up . A dog that something is clearly wrong with . A cat and six kittens that I haven 't fully fixed up I know I need to take her to the vet . I can 't NOT take her . I just can 't . But , remember . We just learned that our paycheck was $ 250 less than we expected . I have just enough for rent . A vet bill will cut into that . Okay . I call Daddy . Tell him first about the dog . Then the cats . Poor Daddy ~ information overload . Hah ~ poor Momma . I 'm the one in the trenches , dealing with it . with boredom ( I 'm exaggerating here , but she was BORED ! ! ) I still don 't know exactly what caused the dog 's " episode " . They tell me she 's dehydrated . They give her fluids . Her fluids are leaking . She takes a I 'm STARVING . . . remember , I have no food at home other than food I have to cook . Sooo , we head home . The girls eat the food I 'd made them for co - op ( good thing we decided not to go , haha ) . I cook some cabbage and black beans for me . It 's 2 : 30 . We haven 't made it to the store . I 'm SPENT . My dog is leaking fluid on the floor . I put the girls down for ' quiet time ' ~ Momma needs it now more than ever . I veg out for 45 minutes to a Dr . Phil . Then , the thunderstorms start . The power goes out twice . Yippee . Could this day get any better ? How can I make dinner without power ? We certainly can 't order out . Let 's head to the store ~ can 't do anything here with no power anyway . The girls and I load up at 5 : 00 in the evening , in the middle of a downpour ( I know ~ poor judgement on my part . I think my brain was fried by this point . But , we NEEDED cat food and cat litter for the new cats and Daddy needed contact solution and we needed SOME food to eat ) . We braved the storm and 5 : 00 traffic ( made worse I believe by Memorial Day Weekend traffic ) to go all the way to the store . Got what we needed and didn 't get home until 7 : 30pm . My girls , who normally are in bed by 8 - 8 : 30 , ate dinner at 8 : 00 . We finally got them to bed and then I made some food for Momma and Daddy . A crazy one . For sure . But , blessed , as always ! On a homeschool note , the Hippie just told me a couple of days ago that she wanted to " study cats " . Before I could even get to the library to help her " study He gets them out of slavery in Egypt , passing over their families when He took out the first born of every Egyptian home . Then , He parts the Red Sea to let them through when the Egyptians were coming after them . Then , He made it rain bread from Heaven , every single day to feed them when they were hungry . drink . You would think that they would have learned by now that God would take care of their needs . As usual , God provided them with cool , clear water that they could drink and drink . I 'm sure you all know that one of those commandments is not to make any idol to worship . God asked something so simple ~ " I am the Lord , Your God , who brought you out of Egypt . . . You should have NO OTHER GODS before Me . " Yet , when Moses took a little too long on the mountain , they grew impatient and weak . Again , they doubted God . So quickly they created that golden calf to worship in the place of God . I mean , really . What was wrong with these people ? Were they really that dense that they still didn 't get it ? As if that weren 't enough , they continued to be ungrateful . God continued to send them their daily bread , Manna from Heaven , but do you know that they eventually complained about that as well ? They grew tired of the Manna and wanted meat and vegetables and herbs and fish . on a daily basis , directly from the hand of God , and yet they felt sorry for themselves . They were not satisfied . They were not content with what God had given them . I 've always found it interesting that these people took so much for granted . That they continued to doubt God , who continued to provide for them and take care of them and love them . It has always struck a nerve with me that these people behaved the way they did . God gives us a home , but we want more space . He gives us food to eat , but we wish we could afford to go out to eat . He as He continuously provided for the needs of the Israelites , He continues to provide for our needs , so there is no reason for us to doubt Him . Today I am thankful for my home . It has its quirks and it most definitely isn 't perfect , but it is a home . well - behaved and well - mannered they are . I am always being told how kind they are to other children , how they make sure to include everyone in everything . They do listen to me and love me and respect me . They do vacuum Today I am thankful for my husband . He works hard and loves me more than anything . He treats me like a Queen , even when I don 't deserve it . He respects me and truly appreciates and gets all that I do . Today and every day , I remember to trust God . He has gotten us this far , why on Earth would I ever doubt that He won 't continue to provide for us on this Narrow Path that leads to Him ? Do you find yourself doubting God ? Do you find yourself fearful of the future ? Do you find yourself discontent with your life ? If so , take a moment to think about the Israelites . Remember that He brought them out of Egypt , He gave them I am an organic , homeschooling , environmentally conscious mother of two who is lucky enough to be married to my soul mate and best friend . All four of us are vegetarian , mostly raw and trying our best to live an Ital life . We are exceedingly blessed and are enjoying our travels down the " narrow path " in life .

Enter through the narrow gate . For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction , and many enter through it . But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life , and only a few find it . Matthew 7 : 13 - 14 This post was originally published on January 12 , 2013 . We kept a Jesus Stocking all through Advent last year ( and will again this year ) . Each evening after dinner , we would all write down one thing we were thankful for and place it in the stocking . Then , we read all of the bits of paper aloud on Christmas morning . A quick aside ~ I mention at the bottom of the post that I could have kept it going all year long . Well this actually is something we do all year long now . The girls and I write in our Gratitude Journals most mornings . There 's no better way to start the day than with gratitude for all that God has blessed you with ! I will tell you that when we read them all on Christmas day , the Hippie cried more than once because she felt bad that she " didn 't write all the good stuff " that we did . The poor girl felt so guilty that she had only said " family " and not listed us individually . I assured her that we are all different and that we just thought of different things to write at dinner each night , but I know her heart and have no doubt how thankful she is for everything . That girl truly has a heart of GOLD . These are in no particular order ~ just stuffed in the stocking . And , yes , there are a few repeats . Hey , it 's hard to remember what you 've already written after 24 days ! The Princess : Post re - run . . . Are you living at the center of God 's will for you ? This post was originally published on June 11 , 2012 . Enjoy . . . But , how do we know when we are living at the center of God 's will for our life ? Does your life feel centered and peaceful ? I 'm not talking perfect or quiet ( especially I know to the core of my being that I am doing His will with regards to my choosing to be a wife and mother above all else . I know that it is God 's will for me to be at home . I know that it is God 's will for me to provide food for my family in a loving way , each and every day . I know that it is God 's will for me to keep my girls home and form lasting relationships with them while educating them about this amazing world that He created for us . I know that it is God 's will for me to provide a loving home for my children and for my husband to thrive in . I know that it is God 's will for me to strive to be the Proverbs 31 woman for my husband and for my family . living in the center of God 's will ? Would He be providing more for us if we were more directly in the center of His will ? What is His will for us ? What is His will for my husband ? What is His will for my husband 's career and the manner in which we earn a living ? What is His will for how we , as a family , spend our days ? What might we be missing ? How do we find the answer in the midst of day to day survival ? I don 't fully know the answers to these questions , to be perfectly honest . But , it certainly got me thinking . And , I brought it up to my husband , so it got us talking . it is going to be possible without the help of God . So , I took the first step . Prayer . I asked God to show us what it is that He wants us to do . I asked Him to provide the means to make it happen if it is to be Where do you get your strength when things get tough ? Do you lean on God as He has instructed us to do ? When your life continues to feel like an uphill battle , do you ever stop to think that maybe you are out in the middle of that hurricane rather than living peacefully in the calm of God 's will ? " Trust in the LORD with all your heart ; And lean not upon your own understanding . In all your ways acknowledge Him , And He shall direct your path . " Proverbs 3 : 5 - 6 Post re - run . . . The TA - DA List This post was originally published on January 17 , 2012 . I thought it was appropriate for this time of year because so many of you have never - ending to - do lists during the Holiday season . Take a moment . Slow down . Revel in what you did do at the end of each day . about . You clean the house from top to bottom , inside and out , every corner , every crack , every crevice . You get on your hands and knees , you scrub with a tooth brush . You clean until your fingers bleed . Then , someone comes along and wipes a finger along the one window sill you forgot to wipe and comments on the dust . teaching my children and I had no animals and could spend 100 % of my time working on my lists without interruptions . But , yuck . Where would the joy be in life ? What would be the point of the things on my list if I didn 't have these sweet people to do them for ? I like lists . I do best when I have a plan of what I need to accomplish . The problem comes when the day is over ( or whenever my mojo runs out ) and the list is not completed . Now comes the guilt , the shame , the internal name - calling and So , the other day , I did just that . I had about 15 to 20 things on my " to - do list " . Things like baking muffins and doing school and reading my Bible and cleaning the kitchen well and taking a shower and cleaning the bathroom and blogging and calling my mom and balancing my checkbook and making phone calls and doing our library stuff online ( what needs to be returned , reserve upcoming materials for school ) and type out a poem for the Hippie to memorize and reply to two emails asking me questions about food ( raw and vegan ) and make dinner and make lunch and clean up after each meal and . . . . . Thanksgiving is just a few days away . From what I understand , it is one of the most traveled holidays of the year , if not THE most traveled holiday . That tells me that there will be a lot of people sharing space with family ~ with siblings and parents and in - laws . Or , in many cases , I 'm afraid , it can be a stressful thing . A time of dealing with family members that get under your skin . A time of biting your tongue as comments are made . But , that doesn 't mean you can 't have a beautiful holiday celebration with your family . The holidays can still be a time of love and peace and kindness . Memories can still be made with all of those perfect little children . Joy can still be at the center of your celebrations . Surrounded by those who constantly exhibit defects of character and conduct , if we yield to a complaining and impatient spirit , we shall mar our own peace without having the satisfaction of benefiting others . ~ T . C . Upham If there is someone in your family that gives you particular difficulty in this area , start praying for them now . Each and every morning in your quiet time with God , pray for the person who tests your righteous behavior the most . Pray that they are blessed . Pray for peace and happiness to find its way small sauce pan . Saute onion and garlic in melted butter . Add flour , nutritional yeast and Bragg 's and combine with the butter . Slowly whisk in the broth , combining with the flour mixture to avoid clumps . Add seasonings and bring to a boil . Reduce heat and simmer , stirring constantly for about 10 minutes . YUM . O . 20 minutes . At the same time , melt the butter in another skillet and saute the onion in that butter . Add the onion , butter , sour cream and cheese to a big mixing bowl . When squash is finished , place a clean towel in a colander , add squash to towel and squeeze as much liquid out of the squash as you can . Add the drained squash to the mixing bowl . Mix teaspoon of that and add it to your bowl of goodies ( throw the remaining seasoning into your mashed potatoes ) . Combine all of the ingredients well and then add to a square baking dish . Top with crushed crackers and bake for about 25 to 30 minutes . ENJOY . processing some more . Spread 1 cup of this mixture into the bottom of the pie crust . Now , add the rest of the ingredients to the food processor and process until smooth , scraping the sides again . Smooth the forgive the quality of the pictures . These are from the 80s . Even if I were to try to give you some more recent pictures of these amazing people , the pictures would still be fuzzy . Why , you ask ? Well , two of them went to be with their Heavenly Father before the " digital age " . Thanksgiving in Louisville . The longest day ever , but oh so worth it . I didn 't watch football back then , so it bored me to tears to have an entire day of waiting to fellowship of family . My aunt and uncles . My cousins . My near 100 year old GrandMomma . My dad . My mom . My little brother . My Nana & Grandpa . Stuffing balls ( hehe ) , olives , sweet gerkins and SHIRLEY TEMPLES . Oh the SHIRLEY TEMPLES . I 'd venture to say it was also oh so worth it for my parents . It was the one day we could wake them up before dawn . Now that I am a parent , I have a whole new respect for their willingness to get out of bed SO VERY EARLY , just for us . I remember trying to wake my dad up at 4 : 30 a . m . once . He just nicely told me it was a bit too early . I waited patiently until about 6 : 00 . woke them up EARLY . They made us W . A . I . T . while they got their coffee ( Of course , I TOTALLY get that now ) . They wanted to see our faces as we came into the living room . Beautiful , amazing , wonderful memories . can 't help but get a little weepy this time of year . I turn into a big baby . I miss my Daddy . I miss my little brother . I want to wake my Daddy up at 4 in the morning again and have him tell me ever so sweetly that it is just a little bit too early . I want to wait for my Daddy to make his coffee . I want to squeal in anticipation with my little brother as we are both about to climb out of our skin . I want to hug my Daddy and feel his rough fingers as they squeeze me back . I want to see that joy in his eyes as he spends Christmas morning with the greatest thing he 's ever done ~ his family . I want to joke with my Daddy and my brother in Louisville as we wait for dinner at Thanksgiving ( my immediate family were the only ones who didn 't watch football in those days ) . I want to watch as my brother makes jokes that no one gets but us . I want to watch I want to step back . Just for a minute , please . I want to smell them . I want to hug them . I want to feel their arms around me . has given me the gift of a family of my own . He has given me the opportunity to make those same memories for my own children . I must look I 'm making memories for my girls . We are decorating our tree . We are making them Shirley Temples and watching football on Thanksgiving . We are making them wait just a bit longer on Christmas morning as we fix our hot tea . taking them to Bethlehem . To see the Roman Soldiers and listen to them demand your taxes . To see the people of Bethlehem , selling their wares . To see and smell and pet all of the animals , goats , sheep , chickens , ponies , horses , donkeys and of course the camel . To see the little children of Bethlehem cooking over their fires , weaving on their looms . To hear the shofar as the Rabbi calls people to the temple . And , to the inn that had no more room . To the stable to see the live baby Jesus . This post was originally published on May 29 , 2011 . I include it here not because it has anything at all to do with the Holidays , but because I got some good laughs out of reading it and thought you might need a laugh as well . Moms ~ remember that when your days look like this , even if it feels as though no one is watching and no one appreciates how hard you work , God is always watching . He knows what you do and He is thankful that you do it ! As an update to the information in this post ~ the two cats we now call Marley and Judah were once two of these adorable kittens . I guess we did end up keeping a couple . Oh , but they are the sweetest cats ever ! Enjoy . . . it with you immediately , but it totally and completely drained me ~ physically and mentally . By the end of it , there was no " writing " left in me . Of course , by now , I can 't remember all of the details , but let me do my best to share what I can remember . Friday is supposed to be our Homeschool Co - op day . This particular Friday was supposed to be our last co - op for the year . Keep in mind , this co - op we 've been attending this year is 45 minutes away . . . in another city entirely . Gas is expensive . But socialization is important . The girls need that time to spend with their friends . It requires a lot walk the dog ( and get her good and tired to spend the day in her kennel ) close enough to our departure time , but with enough time left for Momma to take a shower . We have to load up and be out of here in time to drive the 45 minutes and hopefully have time to eat our lunch before the co - op starts at 1 : 00 . Friday started pretty typically . I started with my tea . . . I skipped my workout ( shame shame ) , but went ahead and began preparing the girls ' lunches . I had no idea what to make for me because our kitchen was BARE . . . I mean BARE . I mean only ingredients for COOKING . . nothing for me to eat . No and Daddy had just informed me that his paycheck was about $ 250 less than expected . . . the start of the GOOD NEWS of the day , I guess ) . While I 'm trying to come up with something for me , the Princess informs me that she doesn 't feel well . Her tummy hurts . A few minutes later , the Hippie informs me that she has accidentally pulled the towel rack out of the wall in her bathroom . Not just a towel rack . It ripped a HUGE whole in the wall . Fabulous . if we should go . It 's the last day of co - op . Most people have summer fever at this point and aren 't coming much anymore . The Hippie hasn 't knitted enough on her hat to finish it today in class anyway . There 's not even anything planned for the third hour for the girls . The Princess doesn 't feel well . Gas is expensive , we 're on empty and I don 't have the money to fill up ( really ) . I have nothing for lunch . Maybe we should just take the day off . eventually decide that we 'll just stay home . We 'll run to the store , stop at the library and pick up a movie for the three of us and just snuggle up at home . Take it easy . HA . . . little did I know . Okay , the girls are okay with this plan . Excited about a girlie movie with Momma . But , we have to walk the dog first . If not , she 'll poop in her kennel while we are out ( she 's a royal pain in the # @ ! , though I love her ) . So , we head out at about 10 : 30 am for our usual morning walk . I 'm not planning to " huff it " ( for exercise ) . I don 't even have my tone - up shoes on . . . just flip flops . Let 's just get the dog to do her business . We get to the end of our street and take a right . Like every day . We are crossing the street when the Hippie notices a small animal crate . " What 's in the crate , Momma ? Can I check and see ? " " Sure , honey . Let me pick up this poop . " ( the dog had done her business pretty quickly ) my family , you know that we are NOT going to leave them here to die . This means , I now have the responsibility of finding homes for all of these kittens and the momma cat . " Well , we have to walk the dog first . Let 's just head up to the bridge and back and I 'll grab them when we get back . " Momma 's racking her brain for people who might want kittens . Trying to figure out how to tell Daddy . He , too would NEVER leave them ( or any animal ) to die . But , he is adimant about us not getting another cat until the one we have dies . He doesn 't want more than one anymore . ago , one of our cats got sick . I first noticed that he was VERY skinny . But , he was " normal " otherwise . We tried to fatten him up by buying him straight tuna and salmon and mackerel . We brought him into the back porch so that he didn 't have to go far to get to his food . We watched as he became paralyzed . First has hind legs quit working . He would drag them around . But , still HE was normal ( same personality , no pain , no suffering ) . We simply could not afford to take him to the vet only to pay several hundred dollars for tests and for them to once again to nurse him back to health . And , if not , as long as he wasn 't in pain , we 'd let him live out his days in the comfort of his home , eating tuna like a King , happy . That is just what he did . He never suffered . He died Thursday morning . Back to Friday . So , my precious daughters lost their dog , Faith , three months ago . They of years ago . . . another story . So , in their short life , they 've lost three beloved pets . In comes a super sweet Momma Cat and her six kittens . Into a family that cannot afford to care for the animals it has ( well , we can afford food and we have heart guard and advantage , but we can 't afford the vet when something goes wrong ) . So , here we have a 6 and 8 year old little girl , in love and excited about a cat and kittens , who just lost their cat , who cannot the main drag , so they 've decided to detour all of the traffic coming off of I - 95 into our huge city DOWN MY STREET ~ lovely ! ) . Kittens are screaming because I 'm tossing them around , so I give the Hippie the leash so I can hold the crate more securely . The Princess is having trouble carrying both scooters , so they trade . We finally make it home . Terrific . Something is wrong with the dog . I hurry over to see what 's up with her . She vomits again . She is shaking . She seems stiff . She won 't lay down . She 's drooling profusely . The Princess thinks she 's going to die now . To be honest , I wonder the same thing . Spectacular . I haven 't even had the chance to call Daddy about the kitties yet and now I 've got to tell him the dog is possibly going to die . Now , I have two piles of vomit and some dog pee to clean up . A dog that something is clearly wrong with . A cat and six kittens that I haven 't fully fixed up I know I need to take her to the vet . I can 't NOT take her . I just can 't . But , remember . We just learned that our paycheck was $ 250 less than we expected . I have just enough for rent . A vet bill will cut into that . Okay . I call Daddy . Tell him first about the dog . Then the cats . Poor Daddy ~ information overload . Hah ~ poor Momma . I 'm the one in the trenches , dealing with it . with boredom ( I 'm exaggerating here , but she was BORED ! ! ) I still don 't know exactly what caused the dog 's " episode " . They tell me she 's dehydrated . They give her fluids . Her fluids are leaking . She takes a I 'm STARVING . . . remember , I have no food at home other than food I have to cook . Sooo , we head home . The girls eat the food I 'd made them for co - op ( good thing we decided not to go , haha ) . I cook some cabbage and black beans for me . It 's 2 : 30 . We haven 't made it to the store . I 'm SPENT . My dog is leaking fluid on the floor . I put the girls down for ' quiet time ' ~ Momma needs it now more than ever . I veg out for 45 minutes to a Dr . Phil . Then , the thunderstorms start . The power goes out twice . Yippee . Could this day get any better ? How can I make dinner without power ? We certainly can 't order out . Let 's head to the store ~ can 't do anything here with no power anyway . The girls and I load up at 5 : 00 in the evening , in the middle of a downpour ( I know ~ poor judgement on my part . I think my brain was fried by this point . But , we NEEDED cat food and cat litter for the new cats and Daddy needed contact solution and we needed SOME food to eat ) . We braved the storm and 5 : 00 traffic ( made worse I believe by Memorial Day Weekend traffic ) to go all the way to the store . Got what we needed and didn 't get home until 7 : 30pm . My girls , who normally are in bed by 8 - 8 : 30 , ate dinner at 8 : 00 . We finally got them to bed and then I made some food for Momma and Daddy . A crazy one . For sure . But , blessed , as always ! On a homeschool note , the Hippie just told me a couple of days ago that she wanted to " study cats " . Before I could even get to the library to help her " study He gets them out of slavery in Egypt , passing over their families when He took out the first born of every Egyptian home . Then , He parts the Red Sea to let them through when the Egyptians were coming after them . Then , He made it rain bread from Heaven , every single day to feed them when they were hungry . drink . You would think that they would have learned by now that God would take care of their needs . As usual , God provided them with cool , clear water that they could drink and drink . I 'm sure you all know that one of those commandments is not to make any idol to worship . God asked something so simple ~ " I am the Lord , Your God , who brought you out of Egypt . . . You should have NO OTHER GODS before Me . " Yet , when Moses took a little too long on the mountain , they grew impatient and weak . Again , they doubted God . So quickly they created that golden calf to worship in the place of God . I mean , really . What was wrong with these people ? Were they really that dense that they still didn 't get it ? As if that weren 't enough , they continued to be ungrateful . God continued to send them their daily bread , Manna from Heaven , but do you know that they eventually complained about that as well ? They grew tired of the Manna and wanted meat and vegetables and herbs and fish . on a daily basis , directly from the hand of God , and yet they felt sorry for themselves . They were not satisfied . They were not content with what God had given them . I 've always found it interesting that these people took so much for granted . That they continued to doubt God , who continued to provide for them and take care of them and love them . It has always struck a nerve with me that these people behaved the way they did . God gives us a home , but we want more space . He gives us food to eat , but we wish we could afford to go out to eat . He as He continuously provided for the needs of the Israelites , He continues to provide for our needs , so there is no reason for us to doubt Him . Today I am thankful for my home . It has its quirks and it most definitely isn 't perfect , but it is a home . well - behaved and well - mannered they are . I am always being told how kind they are to other children , how they make sure to include everyone in everything . They do listen to me and love me and respect me . They do vacuum Today I am thankful for my husband . He works hard and loves me more than anything . He treats me like a Queen , even when I don 't deserve it . He respects me and truly appreciates and gets all that I do . Today and every day , I remember to trust God . He has gotten us this far , why on Earth would I ever doubt that He won 't continue to provide for us on this Narrow Path that leads to Him ? Do you find yourself doubting God ? Do you find yourself fearful of the future ? Do you find yourself discontent with your life ? If so , take a moment to think about the Israelites . Remember that He brought them out of Egypt , He gave them I am an organic , homeschooling , environmentally conscious mother of two who is lucky enough to be married to my soul mate and best friend . All four of us are vegetarian , mostly raw and trying our best to live an Ital life . We are exceedingly blessed and are enjoying our travels down the " narrow path " in life .

The Extraordinary General Chapter of the Legionaries of Christ is under way . I have been very curious as to the timeline they would follow . It has been published on their site dedicated to Chapter . Here is a paragraph that explains what will happen . The first phase of the Chapter , scheduled to last approximately 20 days , will consist mainly in the revision of the new constitutions . After that the election of the new leadership will follow , the results of which will be made public . Then the second phase of the Chapter begins , which will address various issues regarding the life of the Congregation . That means the revision of the Constitution , which is supposedly the beef of the matter of renewal , will be done under the supervision of the old guard of superiors still in place . After that they will elect new superiors . So the ones who have closely guarded the whole process will be in charge of seeing it to the end , then pass it on to the new superiors once finished . That 's pretty nifty , don 't you think ? If this is true , then the election of the new superiors of the legion should take place shortly . There has been a rumor that this already took place and Vatican approval is pending . On January 26 , Card . DePaulis addressed the Chapter regarding the role of the superior in the Congregation . But no mention was made of an election . We will have to wait and see . Whoever is chosen as General Director will give a clear indication of the path the Legionaries have chosen for the future . The new year is a time to reflect on what we did this past year and to make resolutions for the next . Deep down we all hope 2014 will be better than 2013 . We know the world will give us more of what it gave us , but personally we want to be better . But that will only come about if we make amends and change our lives . There are plenty of thing I need to change . Lots of leftover stuff from the LC . It is a constant battle to root out the bad habits and live the truth . You can 't give up . You have to keep on fighting . I don 't normally translate other people 's stuff and paste it in my blog , but this piece went pretty much unnoticed in the English speaking blogosphere . Given that Fr Deomar de Guedes was a member of the General Council of the Legion , appointed by Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , his opinion should carry a lot of weight . But you will see in his personal reasons for leaving that opinions that do not conform to the mainstream , imposed talking points of the Legion are shunned . The Legion manipulates everything to protect its own image . It is a self - serving organization that cares little about the damage it does to its members or those who contribute to it . This malignant narcissism was imbued into the Legion by its founder as a protective mechanism so he would not be exposed as the drug - addictive , child - abusing impostor that he was . Unfortunately the system continues to work its wonders . health in danger . I cannot continue , and to do so would be reckless . Institutional reasons : 1 . I do not believe in a renewal that does not revise the I saw him . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him . Again , I can 't remember if I wrote about this on my blog or in the com box of another blog . But there was something Fr William Izquierdo said that has stuck with me , something that seemed so odd when he said it , but was so shrouded in mystery that I couldn 't quite get a handle on it then . Fr William would often tell stories of how Maciel came to his seminary in Comillas , Spain , and how the seminarians were attracted to his style of celebrating the Mass . He would tell us stories of the early days of foundation , stories of his personal experience with the Founder . But there was one story that struck me . Fr William told of how he was outside Maciel 's bedroom door . I don 't remember if he was called upon or if he just wanted to go and see Maciel . Maciel was ill . At one point the Brother who was taking care of Maciel opened the door . Fr William then related , " I saw him , brothers . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him ! " He never said exactly what he saw . We talked about this afterwards . Some thought Fr William saw a mystical experience of Maciel . Maybe he was elevating or in ecstasy . But I had my doubts . If Fr William saw something supernatural , why didn 't he just say it ? Why leave us wondering ? When the accusations against Maciel started popping up in the press , I remembered this and wondered if Fr William saw something less than mystical . " I saw him , brothers . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him ! " Did he see him in the buff ? Now that the Legion has admitted that Fr William has been accused of sexual misconduct , I am more than certain he saw something that marked his life forever . I wonder how many of the early co - founders were molested by Maciel and kept silent , acting out in turn and scarring others . I can only feel pity for them , for they were victims psychologically trapped in a system that didn 't offer any healing . I entered Novitiate of the Legion of Christ in 1986 and Fr William Izquierdo was my novice instructor . Hearing of the charges of sexual misconduct against him have provoked dozens of memories of my experience with him in Cheshire . Thankfully I was never knew of any of this while I was there , and was never a victim of that kind of abuse . But that doesn 't mean I have all fond memories of the man . Anyone who was one of his novices can attest to how he treated us . How many times were you told , " You are stupid , brother . " His favorite for me ( and others ) was , " You 're lazy , brother , ' flojo ' . " I worked a full - time job lugging coke cans before I entered the legion , and I loved the heavy work . The jobs I was given in the novitiate I always sought to do well , not to gain the praise of my superiors , but because I am a perfectionist . But being called lazy and stupid time and again was his way of breaking you down . One day we were practicing in the band in the dining room in Cheshire on a work day when Fr William came in making his rounds . I don 't remember what I said or what he said , or even if I said anything at all , but at one point he jabbed me in the temples with the knuckles of his index fingers . I was furious . I 'm sure the other brothers could see it in my face . But I held my tongue . Fr William just giggled and walked away . I wasn 't the only victim of public humiliation . There were many others , if not all . Even the hand - picked special few , the pretty boys he surrounded himself with were humiliated . Maybe more than others . Makes me wonder what kind of treatment they were given behind closed doors to make them so submissive to him . It is a fact that the Legion of Christ is in the process of revision or reform . Whether it will be a reform or a revision is yet to be seen . The Congregation Apostolic Delegate , Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , has convoked an extraordinary General Chapter to begin in January 2014 . While many have blogged their ideas about the reform , and others have blogged their experiences of life in the Legion of Christ or the Regnum Christi Movement , it is also a fact that little is known about what has been done to reform the Legion in the last three years . Now it is time to wait and see what comes of this revision / reform . It is a matter of time , and prayers : lots of prayers , because of no real reform takes place , there will be another wave of priests and religious who will leave . Many are just waiting to see what happens . Pray for them . Leaving is not easy . The news of Fr Deomar de Guedes departure from the Congregation is all the more reason to pray for those who are still in the Legion and possibly contemplating their exit . I sincerely ask you to pray for them . Pray that their faith in the Lord may not fail , and they will be warmly accepted in the dioceses they choose . The decompression process is painful and at time confusing . They need our support and prayers . Posted by The period of " reform " of the Legionaries of Christ is coming to an end , and little has been done to make substantial changes to the problems that afflict the congregation . At least , that is the general consensus of those of us on the outside trying to figure out what is going on in the Legion . Will there be substantial changes come January when the congregation celebrates its Extraordinary General Chapter . Time will tell . For my part , I am so happy I am out . Many legionaries who have had legitimate reasons to leave have stuck it out hoping for real change . Some have expressed their disillusionment but have stayed all the same . Others left and have suffered withdrawal symptoms . Those who did leave were seen as weak by those who stayed , even by the Apostolic Delegate . All in all , I 'm out and I 'm happy . It has been over three years since I departed on my own two feet . It is almost three years since I was named Pastor of the Nativity of Mary Parish in Brasilia , Brazil . I would be dishonest if I were to say I haven 't had issues due to my time in the Legion . There are scars that only time can heal . Others that only a sincere apology can reconcile . I don 't expect any of this from the Legion or Legionaries . It is easy to make a general apology to all those hurt by the Founder 's actions . It is more difficult to say " I was part of the system and caused you harm " . Little by little I have been stripping myself of the programmed way of doing things I learned in the Legion , and have become more a pastor of souls . I am also aware of some who were accepted in to diocesan parishes and were not able to adapt , and have left their ministry . I don 't judge or condemn them , but support their decision . It is the right thing to do . Legionaries are not formed to be parish priests , and don 't receive the support they need for this demanding ministry . I am grateful for the support of my Bishop and fellow priests who have known how to help me transition into a completely new life . I , like many , am following the progress of the legionary " reform " . Whatever the outcome , I 'm out and I 'm happy . Posted by I recently received an email from a Legionary Priest I had been close to before leaving the Legion , and for a time , after . I hadn 't had any contact with him for many months . He sent me an Easter greeting , and I replied . From there I was able to find out a bit what is going on in his life . I was disturbed by this interchange of emails . I will keep his name and personal data private , out of respect . It seems he is no longer living in a Legionary community , but has not sought a diocese . He is living in his home town in a private residence with a family member . This is source of great suffering for him . He is in a real state of limbo , neither here nor there . Imagine what that means for his priestly ministry . My heart went out to him when I heard this . I know that in the past he was called to Rome , normally a period in time they give to dissident religious or priests to get them back on track though spiritual direction and studies . I doubt he was very happy in that setting . I don 't know how his present situation came about , but for him to have to seek refuge , either willingly or by force , is not a sign that all is well behind the curtain of Legionary charity . All I know is that , when you are in limbo , as I had lived more that a couple of time in the Legion , what do you say to others , how do you explain to them what you are going through . You live in constant humiliation . From there comes a life of lies to protect the honor of the Congregation , who couldn 't possibly be doing anything wrong . You lie , swallow your pride and keep on plugging along , hoping things will get better . Obviously things are not getting better . This similar situation with this priest has lead him to live outside his religious community but not accepted into a diocese . That is tragic . So much for " We 'll help you with whatever you need . " Obviously , this issue of Legionary procedure has not been addressed . I have given up hope that a true renewal will take place in the Legion long ago . This exchange with this priest has only helped to cement this conviction . We can only pray that our Lord will intercede and rectify this situation . The Legion must not be allowed to continue using people and abusing individual 's generosity . Pope Benedict 's announced retirement has sparked abundant reflection . I could care less about the media hype . It will sell for them just like any other big story . The Church will follow its norms and elect a new Pope . Benedict will fade away for a while . Then he will pass away , there will be pomp and a solemn funeral , and a media will slobber and slander again . It will be what it will . What concerns me is the decision itself . Here is a man who was thrust to the Throne of Peter ( which we celebrate today ) . Here is a man who accepted and fulfilled his mission . And when his strength began to decline , when he realized his health would start to be an impediment , man of God that he is , he decides to step aside and let someone else bear the cross . That mind - boggling humility leaves a lasting impression . We have seen over the past few years men who have fought and killed to hold on to power , only to be imprisoned or murdered by their own people . Then come Benedict who renounces power because he loves his people . He saw that there was something in the way of being able fulfill his mission , so he relinquished the mission for love of the mission . That 's courage . Fr Marcial Maciel was a man who too was unable to fulfill his mission , albeit for different reasons . He was unable to control the desires of the flesh , was dependent on narcotics , at least during periods of his priestly life , fathered at least three children with two women , molested seminarians , and was absent from all contact with his congregation for long periods of time . Any honest man would see that this type of behavior was no way near the ideal of priestly life , not to mention a founder of a religious community . Any honest man would step aside and let someone else take the reins . But Maciel was not an honest man . He deceived his followers from the beginning . He deceived himself and his Lord . He should have resigned years before he was forced to a life of prayer and penance . He was not a courageous man . The announcement this morning that Pope Benedict XVI would be resigning at the end of the month caught me , as well as the Church and the world , by surprise . It didn 't upset me in any way , for the Church is always in the hands of the Holy Spirit . The transition process will start , less the normal mourning period when a pontiff passes away , and before long there will be a new Pope . The period between the death of a pope , and in this case the resignation of a pope , is called " sede vacante " , empty see . During that period the governing of the Church basically is put on hold . The bishops and cardinals that have been named as heads of the Congregations , Dicastaries , Institutes , etc , cease to hold their possitions . Their secretaries continue to take care of the most immediate issue until a new Pope is named . In this case , I am wondering what will happen to Cardinal Velasio de Paolis who , since July of 2010 has been the Papal Delegate overeeing the reform of the Legionaries of Christ ? Since he is the delegate of Pope Benedict XVI , does his authority over the Legion end on February 28 ? It would seem so . But in the interim , will the legionaries take action to change things on their own ? This we may not ever know . There is really little we know about what is really going on inside the Legion . We don 't know all the details of the reform , or if there has been a substantial reform of the internal governance of the Legion . The abuses in the Legion can all be attibuted to the superiors . This same body of superiors , for the most part , the same ones in place after Marcial Maciel died , surely have the same mentality they did before Pope Benedict iniciated the Pastoral Visitation and the reform process . I may be wrong , but I don 't have any proof to the contrary . The Legion would do a great service to the Church to spell out clearly what has been done and what still remains to be done , and how they will conduct themselves during this period of Sede Vacante . Fr Sylvester Heereman of the Legionaries of Christ has sent a farewell Letter to the Holy Father . Here is a link to the letter : http : / / bit . ly / XNhj2P It is filled with all the same lingo that is characteristic of the Legionaries : promise of unwavering fidelity , gratitude for all the Holy Father has done for the Legion . They do express their saddness at his resignation . I still think there is a bit of joy behind the tears . That 's my opinion , probably unfounded . Posted by 1 . It 's not easy to come out publicly and tell the world how you have been deceiving them . On that account , I give credit to Lance Armstrong . That 's not to say I approve of what he did . 2 . There are a lot of parallels between Lance 's story and another man I knew : the founder of the congregation I was a part of for 24 years . Fr . Maciel , like Lance Armstrong , committed many abuses , denied the abuses , accused those who wanted to expose him as liars , and had a whole team of people around him helping him to cover up the story . 3 . Unlike Lance Armstrong , Fr Maciel never admitted his guilt . And that 's the truly sad thing about this . Fr Maciel was a priest , a defender , a preacher of the truth . But Fr Maciel never had the courage of Lance Armstrong to come out publicly and admit his errors . 4 . Many people were hurt by these mens ' deceptions . Some will be healed by hearing Lance Armstrong 's story . Others will not . 5 . Many of us hurt others by our willing deceptions , and pride and fallen nature lead us to keep on living the lie to protect our own pride and self worth . What redeems us is when we accept or failings , accept responsibility for all errors , and asking for forgiveness , first from God , then from others , we are able to live a new life . 6 . I don 't presume to know anything about Lance Armstrong 's faith , but he is on the right track . On December 30 , Fr Alvaro Corcuera went to the hospital in Hartfort , CT because he had been suffering from strong headaches . This seems to be the reason why he took a sabbatical . They found an abnormal growth in his brain and are running tests to find out what it is . He may have to undergo surgery , always a very delicate situation . Let 's join in prayer for Fr Alvaro . Also on December 30 , Fr Antonio Izquierdo passed away . He preached the last spiritual exercises I did in the Legion , 30 days in Rome . It was during these exercises that my desire to leave the Legion solidified . He was an excellent professor . He will be missed . I was doing my morning exercises when the phone rang . It was just after 9 : 00 AM , so I thought it was the parish secretary who starts work at that time . To my surprise it was Archbishop Sergio . He called to let me know that he was sending the final paperwork to Rome after having received the letters granting exclaustration that I mentioned in another post . This was excellent news . It means the end of the process is not as far off as I had imagined . It turned out to be the best Christmas present I could have received . Yesterday , a Legionary priest came to visit me . He is the Assistant for Religious life in the Territory of Brazil . He he personally delivered Cardinal Velasio de Paulis ' letter ( copy of which I had received from the Archbishop of Brasilia ) and offered an explanation of what has been happening in regards to priests and religious who have left the Legion . I am still dumbfounded by this letter . I mentioned earlier that I was expecting an indult to arrive at any time . I guess that 21 year old bottle of Scoth is going to have to wait . I just received a letter from Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , and I can 't say I 'm happy with it 's content . Basically , the Cardinal has granted me exclaustration . In other words , he , as superior of the Congregation , has granted me permission to live outside the community while in the process of being incardinated into the Archdiocese of Brasilia . When I read that I said , " What ? " It has been 29 months since I left the Legion and have only been granted exclaustration now ? Isn 't this the very first step in the process ? I am very confused . I really thought my petition to the Holy See to be dispensed from the vows in the Legion was going to arrive at any time . I thought I was in the final stages . Now it seems the process has only just begun . I am looking for answers . I need to know where I am right now . I so wanted closure and to get on with my life . In closing , the Cardinal addressed the letter to Fr John Stegnicki , LC . Arghh . It has been a long time since I signed my name like that . In fact , I don 't consider myself a legionary anymore . But the cruel fact is I am . That 's what was so disturbing about this letter . Posted by In all my years in the Legion , to utter the words " I resign " was unheard of . You just did not resign . You couldn 't . Holy obedience would not allow it . I was against God 's will manifest through the superiors . Now there is new the Territorial Director of Brazil , Fr Leonardo Nuñez has resigned . That is the word used on the LC page ( in Portuguese ) . Fr Nuñez was made territorial director of Brazil shortly before I left the Legion . When he was named it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach . I knew him as a LC hardliner . Maybe I was wrong . But he had all the characteristics of an insider . But back to the point . He resigned . His resignation was accepted . An interim Territorial Director has been named . It just seems so strange to me . I didn 't think I would see that happen in the Legion . But then again there is the case of Fr Alvaro Corcuera . He didn 't " resign " , but took a leave of absence , or was it a sabbatical , until then next elections . But in effect he resigned . What is happening ? What is going on in their minds . I would love to get inside to find out . But no , I took all the courage I had to get out . I 'll be heeding home in the next few days to spend Thanksgiving with my family . It will be the first time since 1985 . Seems incredible , doesn 't it ? But that 's the way it is . Now , if you are an American in the Legion , your Thanksgiving experience could be very different depending on where you are on the world . If you are in the states , you will more than likely go to Cheshire , CT for your monthly retreat over the Thanksgiving weekend . You 'd pay football in the morning and watch an NFL game in the afternoon . There 'd be a big turkey dinner , and of course the spiritual stuff you would expect on a feast day . In Rome it 's celebrated , not like Cheshire , but , at least there 's something . But if you are anywhere else , forget it . It 's just an ordinary day . Needless to say , you don 't go home for holidays in the Legion . Since I 've been out , I 've gone home for Christmas . Now it 's time to go for Thanksgiving . It will be quite a feast . I know I 'm going to put on the pounds . But heck , it 's been 27 years ! Posted by Life in the Legion was regimented , scheduled and controled . You were asked to offer you freedoam and will up to God as an oblation . In return , the Legion provided your every need : food , clothing , education , family , etc . Sounds good , right ? The only problem is that it dehumanizes the person and opens the door to abusing individuals . That 's how I see it . That 's what happened to me . Freedom is a fundamental human right , and no one should be tricked into giving it up to anyone or anything . Not even God asks us to do that . Rather he invites us to follow him . But he respects our freedom absolutely . I 'll be heading home for Thanksgiving this year . Went on line the other night to check out the prices , scared they would be outrageous seeing as it is a holiday and all . But avoiding the heavy travel days I was able to get a good rate . So , home for Thanksgiving with the family . How long has that been ? Let me think ? I entered the Legion in August of 1986 . The year before that I was in the University of Steubenville . Did I go home for thanksgiving that year ? I think so . So it 's been 27 years since I 've spent Thanksgiving with my family . Twenty - seven freakin ' years ! I 'm 52 . It 's more than half a lifetime . I have to admit , Thanksgiving in the Legion was a really fun day , one of the most enjoyable of the year . But Thanksgiving is a family holiday , and all the fun can 't bring back the lost years . There is so much I missed . Hope to get caught up on a lot more this time . My take . He is resigning . The next General Chapter will elect the new governing body of the Legion and Regnum Christi , and may just elect a new General Director . Therefore , in effect , it is a resignation . Societies of Apostolic Life requesting that I be dispensed from the Evangelical Counsels in the Legionaries of Christ and incardinated into the Archdiocese of Brasília . This is the final step . The only thing left is to receive the indult from the Holy See and I will be officially out of the Legion . I wish I had a date so I could do a count - down . For nine days before the Feast of Mary 's Birth , we prayed the rosary together , celebrated Mass in her honor with a homily on her virtues preached be guest celebrants , prayed the novena prayer at the end of Mass and sang song honoring Mary . In the legion a novena means nine days where there is a special talk preached by one of the superiors about the virtues the Sacred Heart , the Holy Spirit , the Birth of Christ , all according to the charism and methodology of the legion . 2 . The Feast . We had a motorcade and drove through the city streets with the Statue of Mary mounted on a pickup truck ; lots of holy water to bless people , their images of Mary and their homes ; live music over loud speakers singing hymns to Our Blessed Mother and more than 50 cars honking their horns . The image of Mary was brought into the Church in procession by the Legion of Mary to clapping and shouts of praise . Our Mass was solemn , but very joyful . The songs were uplifting and exuberant . The children were dressed as angels and sang songs in honor of Mary at the end of Mass . They crowned here as queen and tossed rose petals at her feet ( and just about everywhere else ) . We had booths set up outside selling hot - dogs , soups and cakes , and a live band playing Christian songs . In the legion the early morning Mass is after an hour of " meditation " and before breakfast . It is in Latin which very few really understand , and the homily , like the novena is about a legionary virtue faithful legionary superior . There is a big meal , and that means a lot more work , then sports until you drop and merienda - cena , which means more work . At first I looked forward to feast days . Then I dreaded them . 3 . The fruits Masses during the novena were full , not to mention the feast itself . People who hadn 't been to church in a while came to Mass . Many of these will keep coming . Others won 't . That 's alright . We are all free . But a seed was planted in the heart of each and every one . In the legion , the younger members will be pacified for a time , until the next feast day , and won 't think too much about their families , the pain they are feeling , the lack of friendship , the humiliations . Their bellies were filled with good food and maybe a little wine . They heard a moving homily on God 's will , and maybe saw a documentary on the founding of the legion . As time goes by , and they are further integrated and the option of leaving becomes treason , they will no longer need these feast days to placate their consciences . Posted by Even during retreats or spiritual exercises you had to employ every minute . You were required to fill out a free time schedule and hand it in to you superior for approval . ( To tell the truth , my most fruitful moments during retreats were walks , just thinking and praying . ) I would see priests and brothers in front of computers at their desks or the computer room for hours at a time " working . " On what ? Building the kingdom , of course . In fact they spent these hours in front of a screen opening and closing windows and files , tweaking and revising , but not saving their work in the end . It was all an illusion of being busy . There were all consuming apostolates . But there were others that had a lot of down time . Those who were sincere used their time well , maybe reading a book . But books had to be approved . You couldn 't read a book that was seen as wasting time . Novels , for example , were only for vacation . But who would want to spend those precious two weeks with you nose in a book when you were sitting behind a computer screen all year long ? So if you wanted to read , it had to be something that would help build the kingdom . You had to be busy . Idle talk was frowned upon . God forbid you were caught talking about anything enjoyable . Conversations had to revolve around , you guessed it , building the kingdom . At meals , if a superior was at the table , all attention had to be on him so he could drive the conversation , of course , to the greatness of the apostolate . True , I didn 't mention lying as an instrument used in manipulating . It really goes without saying . After all , what is being manipulated is not so much the person as the truth . The question is , how can you justify manipulating the truth to obtain you end ? I have found that Legionaries tend to base this justification on a sound principle , albeit badly applied . Charity and respect for the truth should dictate the response to every request for information or communication . the good and safety of others , respect for privacy , and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language . the duty to avoid scandal often commands strict discretion . No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it . It is obvious that , if Larry is speaking to Charlie , Larry does not have to reveal embarrassing or scandalous details about Thomas unless keeping them secret would harm Thomas or someone else . But for Larry to willfully conceal the truth about Charlie from Charlie to get Charlie to do or say something , that 's manipulation . Simple , right ? Take my case , for example . At one point I was told Maciel decided I should leave the Legion . I asked why ? But the only response was , that 's what had been decided . I had the right to know since the burden of asking to be dispensed from the vows was squarely on my shoulders . I was not being expelled . I was told to ask to leave . Is that manipulation , or what ? There are so many other facets to the Truth equation in the Legion . I don 't want to get into every detail . But the fact is , they manipulated the truth to obtain their ends . I wanted to follow up on the idea in my previous post that it is essential for a legionary to manipulate others . The fact is , twenty four years in the congregation gives you a chance to know a lot of people and a lot of legionaries . It was a real Noah 's ark . We were all thrown into the same boat . Some made it to the deck , some navigated , some took the helm , and the great majority swabbed the deck . I swabbed . But what was it that got you to the deck ? What was it made you stand out and make it to the top ? Everyone that entered had talents . Some more than others . That was no guarantee that you were going to be called to the deck . There had to be another quality that was sought after , something that made you stand out . Leadership qualities were a must . But it was in the definition of a leader that we find so many answers . A leader in the Legion ( in practice , not in theory ) is anyone who is able to manipulate other to the desired end . I mentioned a priest I knew who had many personal problems , but was given a pass on these and honored because he was so successful in getting rich people onto the boat . The quality that dictates success is to win people over to the cause , get inside their minds , convince them , no matter what the cost to you or them . It is a very calculating way of doing things . You need to plan , get to know the person , play on his or her weaknesses , and promise rewards . It is very much akin to the Prosperity Gospel so common in Brazil where evangelical churches preach prosperity under the guise of God 's blessing . It 's more subtle in the legion , but it 's there . Maybe it 's not material blessings in this life , but it is eternal salvation . I knew another priest who was a real example of authentic priestly zeal . People loved him for this . There were no limits to his generosity . He would dedicate hours to confession , visit the sick , council anyone who asked , and spend quality time in prayer . But he was marginalized , because he wasn 't getting the required fruits . He was ridiculed by other legionaries as being a new St John Vianney . And that was sad : a man who was truly on fire for the Lord and for souls was treated as second rate , or lower . The number of superiors and other honored legionaries I knew who had very visible faults but were given great prestige was countless . Sometimes I would hear mid - morning snoring coming from their rooms . Others would waste time on unholy practices on the computer ; nothing immoral - just not measuring up to the standard they preached of using time well . I don 't know if you can call it a double standard . In a way it was . But it didn 't matter how many vices or defects you had , as long as you were bearing the right fruits : money and vocations . Just a final word on marginalizing . The Legion is good at creating place to send unwanted priests . The Mission Territory of Quintana Roo in Mexico is the best of all . But there are administrative positions created , auxiliary posts , and so many other places to send non - productive priests or religious . I held a lot of these posts . But I could never be satisfied with that . I wanted to be more productive . I wanted to feel more fulfilled . I do feel more fulfilled now than ever . Parish life is very rewarding . I try very hard not to manipulate people . I listen to them and offer solutions , and respect their freedom . After all , that is what God does . Posted by Rejoice in Hope . ( Rm 12 : 12 ) I am a Catholic priest living in Brazil , formerly a member of the Legionaries of Christ . I am presently in the process of incardination into the Archdiocese of Brasília , and am working as Pastor of the Nativity of Our Lady Parish .

The Extraordinary General Chapter of the Legionaries of Christ is under way . I have been very curious as to the timeline they would follow . It has been published on their site dedicated to Chapter . Here is a paragraph that explains what will happen . The first phase of the Chapter , scheduled to last approximately 20 days , will consist mainly in the revision of the new constitutions . After that the election of the new leadership will follow , the results of which will be made public . Then the second phase of the Chapter begins , which will address various issues regarding the life of the Congregation . That means the revision of the Constitution , which is supposedly the beef of the matter of renewal , will be done under the supervision of the old guard of superiors still in place . After that they will elect new superiors . So the ones who have closely guarded the whole process will be in charge of seeing it to the end , then pass it on to the new superiors once finished . That 's pretty nifty , don 't you think ? If this is true , then the election of the new superiors of the legion should take place shortly . There has been a rumor that this already took place and Vatican approval is pending . On January 26 , Card . DePaulis addressed the Chapter regarding the role of the superior in the Congregation . But no mention was made of an election . We will have to wait and see . Whoever is chosen as General Director will give a clear indication of the path the Legionaries have chosen for the future . The new year is a time to reflect on what we did this past year and to make resolutions for the next . Deep down we all hope 2014 will be better than 2013 . We know the world will give us more of what it gave us , but personally we want to be better . But that will only come about if we make amends and change our lives . There are plenty of thing I need to change . Lots of leftover stuff from the LC . It is a constant battle to root out the bad habits and live the truth . You can 't give up . You have to keep on fighting . I don 't normally translate other people 's stuff and paste it in my blog , but this piece went pretty much unnoticed in the English speaking blogosphere . Given that Fr Deomar de Guedes was a member of the General Council of the Legion , appointed by Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , his opinion should carry a lot of weight . But you will see in his personal reasons for leaving that opinions that do not conform to the mainstream , imposed talking points of the Legion are shunned . The Legion manipulates everything to protect its own image . It is a self - serving organization that cares little about the damage it does to its members or those who contribute to it . This malignant narcissism was imbued into the Legion by its founder as a protective mechanism so he would not be exposed as the drug - addictive , child - abusing impostor that he was . Unfortunately the system continues to work its wonders . health in danger . I cannot continue , and to do so would be reckless . Institutional reasons : 1 . I do not believe in a renewal that does not revise the I saw him . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him . Again , I can 't remember if I wrote about this on my blog or in the com box of another blog . But there was something Fr William Izquierdo said that has stuck with me , something that seemed so odd when he said it , but was so shrouded in mystery that I couldn 't quite get a handle on it then . Fr William would often tell stories of how Maciel came to his seminary in Comillas , Spain , and how the seminarians were attracted to his style of celebrating the Mass . He would tell us stories of the early days of foundation , stories of his personal experience with the Founder . But there was one story that struck me . Fr William told of how he was outside Maciel 's bedroom door . I don 't remember if he was called upon or if he just wanted to go and see Maciel . Maciel was ill . At one point the Brother who was taking care of Maciel opened the door . Fr William then related , " I saw him , brothers . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him ! " He never said exactly what he saw . We talked about this afterwards . Some thought Fr William saw a mystical experience of Maciel . Maybe he was elevating or in ecstasy . But I had my doubts . If Fr William saw something supernatural , why didn 't he just say it ? Why leave us wondering ? When the accusations against Maciel started popping up in the press , I remembered this and wondered if Fr William saw something less than mystical . " I saw him , brothers . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him ! " Did he see him in the buff ? Now that the Legion has admitted that Fr William has been accused of sexual misconduct , I am more than certain he saw something that marked his life forever . I wonder how many of the early co - founders were molested by Maciel and kept silent , acting out in turn and scarring others . I can only feel pity for them , for they were victims psychologically trapped in a system that didn 't offer any healing . I entered Novitiate of the Legion of Christ in 1986 and Fr William Izquierdo was my novice instructor . Hearing of the charges of sexual misconduct against him have provoked dozens of memories of my experience with him in Cheshire . Thankfully I was never knew of any of this while I was there , and was never a victim of that kind of abuse . But that doesn 't mean I have all fond memories of the man . Anyone who was one of his novices can attest to how he treated us . How many times were you told , " You are stupid , brother . " His favorite for me ( and others ) was , " You 're lazy , brother , ' flojo ' . " I worked a full - time job lugging coke cans before I entered the legion , and I loved the heavy work . The jobs I was given in the novitiate I always sought to do well , not to gain the praise of my superiors , but because I am a perfectionist . But being called lazy and stupid time and again was his way of breaking you down . One day we were practicing in the band in the dining room in Cheshire on a work day when Fr William came in making his rounds . I don 't remember what I said or what he said , or even if I said anything at all , but at one point he jabbed me in the temples with the knuckles of his index fingers . I was furious . I 'm sure the other brothers could see it in my face . But I held my tongue . Fr William just giggled and walked away . I wasn 't the only victim of public humiliation . There were many others , if not all . Even the hand - picked special few , the pretty boys he surrounded himself with were humiliated . Maybe more than others . Makes me wonder what kind of treatment they were given behind closed doors to make them so submissive to him . It is a fact that the Legion of Christ is in the process of revision or reform . Whether it will be a reform or a revision is yet to be seen . The Congregation Apostolic Delegate , Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , has convoked an extraordinary General Chapter to begin in January 2014 . While many have blogged their ideas about the reform , and others have blogged their experiences of life in the Legion of Christ or the Regnum Christi Movement , it is also a fact that little is known about what has been done to reform the Legion in the last three years . Now it is time to wait and see what comes of this revision / reform . It is a matter of time , and prayers : lots of prayers , because of no real reform takes place , there will be another wave of priests and religious who will leave . Many are just waiting to see what happens . Pray for them . Leaving is not easy . The news of Fr Deomar de Guedes departure from the Congregation is all the more reason to pray for those who are still in the Legion and possibly contemplating their exit . I sincerely ask you to pray for them . Pray that their faith in the Lord may not fail , and they will be warmly accepted in the dioceses they choose . The decompression process is painful and at time confusing . They need our support and prayers . Posted by The period of " reform " of the Legionaries of Christ is coming to an end , and little has been done to make substantial changes to the problems that afflict the congregation . At least , that is the general consensus of those of us on the outside trying to figure out what is going on in the Legion . Will there be substantial changes come January when the congregation celebrates its Extraordinary General Chapter . Time will tell . For my part , I am so happy I am out . Many legionaries who have had legitimate reasons to leave have stuck it out hoping for real change . Some have expressed their disillusionment but have stayed all the same . Others left and have suffered withdrawal symptoms . Those who did leave were seen as weak by those who stayed , even by the Apostolic Delegate . All in all , I 'm out and I 'm happy . It has been over three years since I departed on my own two feet . It is almost three years since I was named Pastor of the Nativity of Mary Parish in Brasilia , Brazil . I would be dishonest if I were to say I haven 't had issues due to my time in the Legion . There are scars that only time can heal . Others that only a sincere apology can reconcile . I don 't expect any of this from the Legion or Legionaries . It is easy to make a general apology to all those hurt by the Founder 's actions . It is more difficult to say " I was part of the system and caused you harm " . Little by little I have been stripping myself of the programmed way of doing things I learned in the Legion , and have become more a pastor of souls . I am also aware of some who were accepted in to diocesan parishes and were not able to adapt , and have left their ministry . I don 't judge or condemn them , but support their decision . It is the right thing to do . Legionaries are not formed to be parish priests , and don 't receive the support they need for this demanding ministry . I am grateful for the support of my Bishop and fellow priests who have known how to help me transition into a completely new life . I , like many , am following the progress of the legionary " reform " . Whatever the outcome , I 'm out and I 'm happy . Posted by I recently received an email from a Legionary Priest I had been close to before leaving the Legion , and for a time , after . I hadn 't had any contact with him for many months . He sent me an Easter greeting , and I replied . From there I was able to find out a bit what is going on in his life . I was disturbed by this interchange of emails . I will keep his name and personal data private , out of respect . It seems he is no longer living in a Legionary community , but has not sought a diocese . He is living in his home town in a private residence with a family member . This is source of great suffering for him . He is in a real state of limbo , neither here nor there . Imagine what that means for his priestly ministry . My heart went out to him when I heard this . I know that in the past he was called to Rome , normally a period in time they give to dissident religious or priests to get them back on track though spiritual direction and studies . I doubt he was very happy in that setting . I don 't know how his present situation came about , but for him to have to seek refuge , either willingly or by force , is not a sign that all is well behind the curtain of Legionary charity . All I know is that , when you are in limbo , as I had lived more that a couple of time in the Legion , what do you say to others , how do you explain to them what you are going through . You live in constant humiliation . From there comes a life of lies to protect the honor of the Congregation , who couldn 't possibly be doing anything wrong . You lie , swallow your pride and keep on plugging along , hoping things will get better . Obviously things are not getting better . This similar situation with this priest has lead him to live outside his religious community but not accepted into a diocese . That is tragic . So much for " We 'll help you with whatever you need . " Obviously , this issue of Legionary procedure has not been addressed . I have given up hope that a true renewal will take place in the Legion long ago . This exchange with this priest has only helped to cement this conviction . We can only pray that our Lord will intercede and rectify this situation . The Legion must not be allowed to continue using people and abusing individual 's generosity . Pope Benedict 's announced retirement has sparked abundant reflection . I could care less about the media hype . It will sell for them just like any other big story . The Church will follow its norms and elect a new Pope . Benedict will fade away for a while . Then he will pass away , there will be pomp and a solemn funeral , and a media will slobber and slander again . It will be what it will . What concerns me is the decision itself . Here is a man who was thrust to the Throne of Peter ( which we celebrate today ) . Here is a man who accepted and fulfilled his mission . And when his strength began to decline , when he realized his health would start to be an impediment , man of God that he is , he decides to step aside and let someone else bear the cross . That mind - boggling humility leaves a lasting impression . We have seen over the past few years men who have fought and killed to hold on to power , only to be imprisoned or murdered by their own people . Then come Benedict who renounces power because he loves his people . He saw that there was something in the way of being able fulfill his mission , so he relinquished the mission for love of the mission . That 's courage . Fr Marcial Maciel was a man who too was unable to fulfill his mission , albeit for different reasons . He was unable to control the desires of the flesh , was dependent on narcotics , at least during periods of his priestly life , fathered at least three children with two women , molested seminarians , and was absent from all contact with his congregation for long periods of time . Any honest man would see that this type of behavior was no way near the ideal of priestly life , not to mention a founder of a religious community . Any honest man would step aside and let someone else take the reins . But Maciel was not an honest man . He deceived his followers from the beginning . He deceived himself and his Lord . He should have resigned years before he was forced to a life of prayer and penance . He was not a courageous man . The announcement this morning that Pope Benedict XVI would be resigning at the end of the month caught me , as well as the Church and the world , by surprise . It didn 't upset me in any way , for the Church is always in the hands of the Holy Spirit . The transition process will start , less the normal mourning period when a pontiff passes away , and before long there will be a new Pope . The period between the death of a pope , and in this case the resignation of a pope , is called " sede vacante " , empty see . During that period the governing of the Church basically is put on hold . The bishops and cardinals that have been named as heads of the Congregations , Dicastaries , Institutes , etc , cease to hold their possitions . Their secretaries continue to take care of the most immediate issue until a new Pope is named . In this case , I am wondering what will happen to Cardinal Velasio de Paolis who , since July of 2010 has been the Papal Delegate overeeing the reform of the Legionaries of Christ ? Since he is the delegate of Pope Benedict XVI , does his authority over the Legion end on February 28 ? It would seem so . But in the interim , will the legionaries take action to change things on their own ? This we may not ever know . There is really little we know about what is really going on inside the Legion . We don 't know all the details of the reform , or if there has been a substantial reform of the internal governance of the Legion . The abuses in the Legion can all be attibuted to the superiors . This same body of superiors , for the most part , the same ones in place after Marcial Maciel died , surely have the same mentality they did before Pope Benedict iniciated the Pastoral Visitation and the reform process . I may be wrong , but I don 't have any proof to the contrary . The Legion would do a great service to the Church to spell out clearly what has been done and what still remains to be done , and how they will conduct themselves during this period of Sede Vacante . Fr Sylvester Heereman of the Legionaries of Christ has sent a farewell Letter to the Holy Father . Here is a link to the letter : http : / / bit . ly / XNhj2P It is filled with all the same lingo that is characteristic of the Legionaries : promise of unwavering fidelity , gratitude for all the Holy Father has done for the Legion . They do express their saddness at his resignation . I still think there is a bit of joy behind the tears . That 's my opinion , probably unfounded . Posted by 1 . It 's not easy to come out publicly and tell the world how you have been deceiving them . On that account , I give credit to Lance Armstrong . That 's not to say I approve of what he did . 2 . There are a lot of parallels between Lance 's story and another man I knew : the founder of the congregation I was a part of for 24 years . Fr . Maciel , like Lance Armstrong , committed many abuses , denied the abuses , accused those who wanted to expose him as liars , and had a whole team of people around him helping him to cover up the story . 3 . Unlike Lance Armstrong , Fr Maciel never admitted his guilt . And that 's the truly sad thing about this . Fr Maciel was a priest , a defender , a preacher of the truth . But Fr Maciel never had the courage of Lance Armstrong to come out publicly and admit his errors . 4 . Many people were hurt by these mens ' deceptions . Some will be healed by hearing Lance Armstrong 's story . Others will not . 5 . Many of us hurt others by our willing deceptions , and pride and fallen nature lead us to keep on living the lie to protect our own pride and self worth . What redeems us is when we accept or failings , accept responsibility for all errors , and asking for forgiveness , first from God , then from others , we are able to live a new life . 6 . I don 't presume to know anything about Lance Armstrong 's faith , but he is on the right track . On December 30 , Fr Alvaro Corcuera went to the hospital in Hartfort , CT because he had been suffering from strong headaches . This seems to be the reason why he took a sabbatical . They found an abnormal growth in his brain and are running tests to find out what it is . He may have to undergo surgery , always a very delicate situation . Let 's join in prayer for Fr Alvaro . Also on December 30 , Fr Antonio Izquierdo passed away . He preached the last spiritual exercises I did in the Legion , 30 days in Rome . It was during these exercises that my desire to leave the Legion solidified . He was an excellent professor . He will be missed . I was doing my morning exercises when the phone rang . It was just after 9 : 00 AM , so I thought it was the parish secretary who starts work at that time . To my surprise it was Archbishop Sergio . He called to let me know that he was sending the final paperwork to Rome after having received the letters granting exclaustration that I mentioned in another post . This was excellent news . It means the end of the process is not as far off as I had imagined . It turned out to be the best Christmas present I could have received . Yesterday , a Legionary priest came to visit me . He is the Assistant for Religious life in the Territory of Brazil . He he personally delivered Cardinal Velasio de Paulis ' letter ( copy of which I had received from the Archbishop of Brasilia ) and offered an explanation of what has been happening in regards to priests and religious who have left the Legion . I am still dumbfounded by this letter . I mentioned earlier that I was expecting an indult to arrive at any time . I guess that 21 year old bottle of Scoth is going to have to wait . I just received a letter from Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , and I can 't say I 'm happy with it 's content . Basically , the Cardinal has granted me exclaustration . In other words , he , as superior of the Congregation , has granted me permission to live outside the community while in the process of being incardinated into the Archdiocese of Brasilia . When I read that I said , " What ? " It has been 29 months since I left the Legion and have only been granted exclaustration now ? Isn 't this the very first step in the process ? I am very confused . I really thought my petition to the Holy See to be dispensed from the vows in the Legion was going to arrive at any time . I thought I was in the final stages . Now it seems the process has only just begun . I am looking for answers . I need to know where I am right now . I so wanted closure and to get on with my life . In closing , the Cardinal addressed the letter to Fr John Stegnicki , LC . Arghh . It has been a long time since I signed my name like that . In fact , I don 't consider myself a legionary anymore . But the cruel fact is I am . That 's what was so disturbing about this letter . Posted by In all my years in the Legion , to utter the words " I resign " was unheard of . You just did not resign . You couldn 't . Holy obedience would not allow it . I was against God 's will manifest through the superiors . Now there is new the Territorial Director of Brazil , Fr Leonardo Nuñez has resigned . That is the word used on the LC page ( in Portuguese ) . Fr Nuñez was made territorial director of Brazil shortly before I left the Legion . When he was named it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach . I knew him as a LC hardliner . Maybe I was wrong . But he had all the characteristics of an insider . But back to the point . He resigned . His resignation was accepted . An interim Territorial Director has been named . It just seems so strange to me . I didn 't think I would see that happen in the Legion . But then again there is the case of Fr Alvaro Corcuera . He didn 't " resign " , but took a leave of absence , or was it a sabbatical , until then next elections . But in effect he resigned . What is happening ? What is going on in their minds . I would love to get inside to find out . But no , I took all the courage I had to get out . I 'll be heeding home in the next few days to spend Thanksgiving with my family . It will be the first time since 1985 . Seems incredible , doesn 't it ? But that 's the way it is . Now , if you are an American in the Legion , your Thanksgiving experience could be very different depending on where you are on the world . If you are in the states , you will more than likely go to Cheshire , CT for your monthly retreat over the Thanksgiving weekend . You 'd pay football in the morning and watch an NFL game in the afternoon . There 'd be a big turkey dinner , and of course the spiritual stuff you would expect on a feast day . In Rome it 's celebrated , not like Cheshire , but , at least there 's something . But if you are anywhere else , forget it . It 's just an ordinary day . Needless to say , you don 't go home for holidays in the Legion . Since I 've been out , I 've gone home for Christmas . Now it 's time to go for Thanksgiving . It will be quite a feast . I know I 'm going to put on the pounds . But heck , it 's been 27 years ! Posted by Life in the Legion was regimented , scheduled and controled . You were asked to offer you freedoam and will up to God as an oblation . In return , the Legion provided your every need : food , clothing , education , family , etc . Sounds good , right ? The only problem is that it dehumanizes the person and opens the door to abusing individuals . That 's how I see it . That 's what happened to me . Freedom is a fundamental human right , and no one should be tricked into giving it up to anyone or anything . Not even God asks us to do that . Rather he invites us to follow him . But he respects our freedom absolutely . I 'll be heading home for Thanksgiving this year . Went on line the other night to check out the prices , scared they would be outrageous seeing as it is a holiday and all . But avoiding the heavy travel days I was able to get a good rate . So , home for Thanksgiving with the family . How long has that been ? Let me think ? I entered the Legion in August of 1986 . The year before that I was in the University of Steubenville . Did I go home for thanksgiving that year ? I think so . So it 's been 27 years since I 've spent Thanksgiving with my family . Twenty - seven freakin ' years ! I 'm 52 . It 's more than half a lifetime . I have to admit , Thanksgiving in the Legion was a really fun day , one of the most enjoyable of the year . But Thanksgiving is a family holiday , and all the fun can 't bring back the lost years . There is so much I missed . Hope to get caught up on a lot more this time . My take . He is resigning . The next General Chapter will elect the new governing body of the Legion and Regnum Christi , and may just elect a new General Director . Therefore , in effect , it is a resignation . Societies of Apostolic Life requesting that I be dispensed from the Evangelical Counsels in the Legionaries of Christ and incardinated into the Archdiocese of Brasília . This is the final step . The only thing left is to receive the indult from the Holy See and I will be officially out of the Legion . I wish I had a date so I could do a count - down . For nine days before the Feast of Mary 's Birth , we prayed the rosary together , celebrated Mass in her honor with a homily on her virtues preached be guest celebrants , prayed the novena prayer at the end of Mass and sang song honoring Mary . In the legion a novena means nine days where there is a special talk preached by one of the superiors about the virtues the Sacred Heart , the Holy Spirit , the Birth of Christ , all according to the charism and methodology of the legion . 2 . The Feast . We had a motorcade and drove through the city streets with the Statue of Mary mounted on a pickup truck ; lots of holy water to bless people , their images of Mary and their homes ; live music over loud speakers singing hymns to Our Blessed Mother and more than 50 cars honking their horns . The image of Mary was brought into the Church in procession by the Legion of Mary to clapping and shouts of praise . Our Mass was solemn , but very joyful . The songs were uplifting and exuberant . The children were dressed as angels and sang songs in honor of Mary at the end of Mass . They crowned here as queen and tossed rose petals at her feet ( and just about everywhere else ) . We had booths set up outside selling hot - dogs , soups and cakes , and a live band playing Christian songs . In the legion the early morning Mass is after an hour of " meditation " and before breakfast . It is in Latin which very few really understand , and the homily , like the novena is about a legionary virtue faithful legionary superior . There is a big meal , and that means a lot more work , then sports until you drop and merienda - cena , which means more work . At first I looked forward to feast days . Then I dreaded them . 3 . The fruits Masses during the novena were full , not to mention the feast itself . People who hadn 't been to church in a while came to Mass . Many of these will keep coming . Others won 't . That 's alright . We are all free . But a seed was planted in the heart of each and every one . In the legion , the younger members will be pacified for a time , until the next feast day , and won 't think too much about their families , the pain they are feeling , the lack of friendship , the humiliations . Their bellies were filled with good food and maybe a little wine . They heard a moving homily on God 's will , and maybe saw a documentary on the founding of the legion . As time goes by , and they are further integrated and the option of leaving becomes treason , they will no longer need these feast days to placate their consciences . Posted by Even during retreats or spiritual exercises you had to employ every minute . You were required to fill out a free time schedule and hand it in to you superior for approval . ( To tell the truth , my most fruitful moments during retreats were walks , just thinking and praying . ) I would see priests and brothers in front of computers at their desks or the computer room for hours at a time " working . " On what ? Building the kingdom , of course . In fact they spent these hours in front of a screen opening and closing windows and files , tweaking and revising , but not saving their work in the end . It was all an illusion of being busy . There were all consuming apostolates . But there were others that had a lot of down time . Those who were sincere used their time well , maybe reading a book . But books had to be approved . You couldn 't read a book that was seen as wasting time . Novels , for example , were only for vacation . But who would want to spend those precious two weeks with you nose in a book when you were sitting behind a computer screen all year long ? So if you wanted to read , it had to be something that would help build the kingdom . You had to be busy . Idle talk was frowned upon . God forbid you were caught talking about anything enjoyable . Conversations had to revolve around , you guessed it , building the kingdom . At meals , if a superior was at the table , all attention had to be on him so he could drive the conversation , of course , to the greatness of the apostolate . True , I didn 't mention lying as an instrument used in manipulating . It really goes without saying . After all , what is being manipulated is not so much the person as the truth . The question is , how can you justify manipulating the truth to obtain you end ? I have found that Legionaries tend to base this justification on a sound principle , albeit badly applied . Charity and respect for the truth should dictate the response to every request for information or communication . the good and safety of others , respect for privacy , and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language . the duty to avoid scandal often commands strict discretion . No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it . It is obvious that , if Larry is speaking to Charlie , Larry does not have to reveal embarrassing or scandalous details about Thomas unless keeping them secret would harm Thomas or someone else . But for Larry to willfully conceal the truth about Charlie from Charlie to get Charlie to do or say something , that 's manipulation . Simple , right ? Take my case , for example . At one point I was told Maciel decided I should leave the Legion . I asked why ? But the only response was , that 's what had been decided . I had the right to know since the burden of asking to be dispensed from the vows was squarely on my shoulders . I was not being expelled . I was told to ask to leave . Is that manipulation , or what ? There are so many other facets to the Truth equation in the Legion . I don 't want to get into every detail . But the fact is , they manipulated the truth to obtain their ends . I wanted to follow up on the idea in my previous post that it is essential for a legionary to manipulate others . The fact is , twenty four years in the congregation gives you a chance to know a lot of people and a lot of legionaries . It was a real Noah 's ark . We were all thrown into the same boat . Some made it to the deck , some navigated , some took the helm , and the great majority swabbed the deck . I swabbed . But what was it that got you to the deck ? What was it made you stand out and make it to the top ? Everyone that entered had talents . Some more than others . That was no guarantee that you were going to be called to the deck . There had to be another quality that was sought after , something that made you stand out . Leadership qualities were a must . But it was in the definition of a leader that we find so many answers . A leader in the Legion ( in practice , not in theory ) is anyone who is able to manipulate other to the desired end . I mentioned a priest I knew who had many personal problems , but was given a pass on these and honored because he was so successful in getting rich people onto the boat . The quality that dictates success is to win people over to the cause , get inside their minds , convince them , no matter what the cost to you or them . It is a very calculating way of doing things . You need to plan , get to know the person , play on his or her weaknesses , and promise rewards . It is very much akin to the Prosperity Gospel so common in Brazil where evangelical churches preach prosperity under the guise of God 's blessing . It 's more subtle in the legion , but it 's there . Maybe it 's not material blessings in this life , but it is eternal salvation . I knew another priest who was a real example of authentic priestly zeal . People loved him for this . There were no limits to his generosity . He would dedicate hours to confession , visit the sick , council anyone who asked , and spend quality time in prayer . But he was marginalized , because he wasn 't getting the required fruits . He was ridiculed by other legionaries as being a new St John Vianney . And that was sad : a man who was truly on fire for the Lord and for souls was treated as second rate , or lower . The number of superiors and other honored legionaries I knew who had very visible faults but were given great prestige was countless . Sometimes I would hear mid - morning snoring coming from their rooms . Others would waste time on unholy practices on the computer ; nothing immoral - just not measuring up to the standard they preached of using time well . I don 't know if you can call it a double standard . In a way it was . But it didn 't matter how many vices or defects you had , as long as you were bearing the right fruits : money and vocations . Just a final word on marginalizing . The Legion is good at creating place to send unwanted priests . The Mission Territory of Quintana Roo in Mexico is the best of all . But there are administrative positions created , auxiliary posts , and so many other places to send non - productive priests or religious . I held a lot of these posts . But I could never be satisfied with that . I wanted to be more productive . I wanted to feel more fulfilled . I do feel more fulfilled now than ever . Parish life is very rewarding . I try very hard not to manipulate people . I listen to them and offer solutions , and respect their freedom . After all , that is what God does . Posted by Rejoice in Hope . ( Rm 12 : 12 ) I am a Catholic priest living in Brazil , formerly a member of the Legionaries of Christ . I am presently in the process of incardination into the Archdiocese of Brasília , and am working as Pastor of the Nativity of Our Lady Parish .

The Extraordinary General Chapter of the Legionaries of Christ is under way . I have been very curious as to the timeline they would follow . It has been published on their site dedicated to Chapter . Here is a paragraph that explains what will happen . The first phase of the Chapter , scheduled to last approximately 20 days , will consist mainly in the revision of the new constitutions . After that the election of the new leadership will follow , the results of which will be made public . Then the second phase of the Chapter begins , which will address various issues regarding the life of the Congregation . That means the revision of the Constitution , which is supposedly the beef of the matter of renewal , will be done under the supervision of the old guard of superiors still in place . After that they will elect new superiors . So the ones who have closely guarded the whole process will be in charge of seeing it to the end , then pass it on to the new superiors once finished . That 's pretty nifty , don 't you think ? If this is true , then the election of the new superiors of the legion should take place shortly . There has been a rumor that this already took place and Vatican approval is pending . On January 26 , Card . DePaulis addressed the Chapter regarding the role of the superior in the Congregation . But no mention was made of an election . We will have to wait and see . Whoever is chosen as General Director will give a clear indication of the path the Legionaries have chosen for the future . The new year is a time to reflect on what we did this past year and to make resolutions for the next . Deep down we all hope 2014 will be better than 2013 . We know the world will give us more of what it gave us , but personally we want to be better . But that will only come about if we make amends and change our lives . There are plenty of thing I need to change . Lots of leftover stuff from the LC . It is a constant battle to root out the bad habits and live the truth . You can 't give up . You have to keep on fighting . I don 't normally translate other people 's stuff and paste it in my blog , but this piece went pretty much unnoticed in the English speaking blogosphere . Given that Fr Deomar de Guedes was a member of the General Council of the Legion , appointed by Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , his opinion should carry a lot of weight . But you will see in his personal reasons for leaving that opinions that do not conform to the mainstream , imposed talking points of the Legion are shunned . The Legion manipulates everything to protect its own image . It is a self - serving organization that cares little about the damage it does to its members or those who contribute to it . This malignant narcissism was imbued into the Legion by its founder as a protective mechanism so he would not be exposed as the drug - addictive , child - abusing impostor that he was . Unfortunately the system continues to work its wonders . health in danger . I cannot continue , and to do so would be reckless . Institutional reasons : 1 . I do not believe in a renewal that does not revise the I saw him . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him . Again , I can 't remember if I wrote about this on my blog or in the com box of another blog . But there was something Fr William Izquierdo said that has stuck with me , something that seemed so odd when he said it , but was so shrouded in mystery that I couldn 't quite get a handle on it then . Fr William would often tell stories of how Maciel came to his seminary in Comillas , Spain , and how the seminarians were attracted to his style of celebrating the Mass . He would tell us stories of the early days of foundation , stories of his personal experience with the Founder . But there was one story that struck me . Fr William told of how he was outside Maciel 's bedroom door . I don 't remember if he was called upon or if he just wanted to go and see Maciel . Maciel was ill . At one point the Brother who was taking care of Maciel opened the door . Fr William then related , " I saw him , brothers . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him ! " He never said exactly what he saw . We talked about this afterwards . Some thought Fr William saw a mystical experience of Maciel . Maybe he was elevating or in ecstasy . But I had my doubts . If Fr William saw something supernatural , why didn 't he just say it ? Why leave us wondering ? When the accusations against Maciel started popping up in the press , I remembered this and wondered if Fr William saw something less than mystical . " I saw him , brothers . Do you know what I mean ? I SAW him ! " Did he see him in the buff ? Now that the Legion has admitted that Fr William has been accused of sexual misconduct , I am more than certain he saw something that marked his life forever . I wonder how many of the early co - founders were molested by Maciel and kept silent , acting out in turn and scarring others . I can only feel pity for them , for they were victims psychologically trapped in a system that didn 't offer any healing . I entered Novitiate of the Legion of Christ in 1986 and Fr William Izquierdo was my novice instructor . Hearing of the charges of sexual misconduct against him have provoked dozens of memories of my experience with him in Cheshire . Thankfully I was never knew of any of this while I was there , and was never a victim of that kind of abuse . But that doesn 't mean I have all fond memories of the man . Anyone who was one of his novices can attest to how he treated us . How many times were you told , " You are stupid , brother . " His favorite for me ( and others ) was , " You 're lazy , brother , ' flojo ' . " I worked a full - time job lugging coke cans before I entered the legion , and I loved the heavy work . The jobs I was given in the novitiate I always sought to do well , not to gain the praise of my superiors , but because I am a perfectionist . But being called lazy and stupid time and again was his way of breaking you down . One day we were practicing in the band in the dining room in Cheshire on a work day when Fr William came in making his rounds . I don 't remember what I said or what he said , or even if I said anything at all , but at one point he jabbed me in the temples with the knuckles of his index fingers . I was furious . I 'm sure the other brothers could see it in my face . But I held my tongue . Fr William just giggled and walked away . I wasn 't the only victim of public humiliation . There were many others , if not all . Even the hand - picked special few , the pretty boys he surrounded himself with were humiliated . Maybe more than others . Makes me wonder what kind of treatment they were given behind closed doors to make them so submissive to him . It is a fact that the Legion of Christ is in the process of revision or reform . Whether it will be a reform or a revision is yet to be seen . The Congregation Apostolic Delegate , Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , has convoked an extraordinary General Chapter to begin in January 2014 . While many have blogged their ideas about the reform , and others have blogged their experiences of life in the Legion of Christ or the Regnum Christi Movement , it is also a fact that little is known about what has been done to reform the Legion in the last three years . Now it is time to wait and see what comes of this revision / reform . It is a matter of time , and prayers : lots of prayers , because of no real reform takes place , there will be another wave of priests and religious who will leave . Many are just waiting to see what happens . Pray for them . Leaving is not easy . The news of Fr Deomar de Guedes departure from the Congregation is all the more reason to pray for those who are still in the Legion and possibly contemplating their exit . I sincerely ask you to pray for them . Pray that their faith in the Lord may not fail , and they will be warmly accepted in the dioceses they choose . The decompression process is painful and at time confusing . They need our support and prayers . Posted by The period of " reform " of the Legionaries of Christ is coming to an end , and little has been done to make substantial changes to the problems that afflict the congregation . At least , that is the general consensus of those of us on the outside trying to figure out what is going on in the Legion . Will there be substantial changes come January when the congregation celebrates its Extraordinary General Chapter . Time will tell . For my part , I am so happy I am out . Many legionaries who have had legitimate reasons to leave have stuck it out hoping for real change . Some have expressed their disillusionment but have stayed all the same . Others left and have suffered withdrawal symptoms . Those who did leave were seen as weak by those who stayed , even by the Apostolic Delegate . All in all , I 'm out and I 'm happy . It has been over three years since I departed on my own two feet . It is almost three years since I was named Pastor of the Nativity of Mary Parish in Brasilia , Brazil . I would be dishonest if I were to say I haven 't had issues due to my time in the Legion . There are scars that only time can heal . Others that only a sincere apology can reconcile . I don 't expect any of this from the Legion or Legionaries . It is easy to make a general apology to all those hurt by the Founder 's actions . It is more difficult to say " I was part of the system and caused you harm " . Little by little I have been stripping myself of the programmed way of doing things I learned in the Legion , and have become more a pastor of souls . I am also aware of some who were accepted in to diocesan parishes and were not able to adapt , and have left their ministry . I don 't judge or condemn them , but support their decision . It is the right thing to do . Legionaries are not formed to be parish priests , and don 't receive the support they need for this demanding ministry . I am grateful for the support of my Bishop and fellow priests who have known how to help me transition into a completely new life . I , like many , am following the progress of the legionary " reform " . Whatever the outcome , I 'm out and I 'm happy . Posted by I recently received an email from a Legionary Priest I had been close to before leaving the Legion , and for a time , after . I hadn 't had any contact with him for many months . He sent me an Easter greeting , and I replied . From there I was able to find out a bit what is going on in his life . I was disturbed by this interchange of emails . I will keep his name and personal data private , out of respect . It seems he is no longer living in a Legionary community , but has not sought a diocese . He is living in his home town in a private residence with a family member . This is source of great suffering for him . He is in a real state of limbo , neither here nor there . Imagine what that means for his priestly ministry . My heart went out to him when I heard this . I know that in the past he was called to Rome , normally a period in time they give to dissident religious or priests to get them back on track though spiritual direction and studies . I doubt he was very happy in that setting . I don 't know how his present situation came about , but for him to have to seek refuge , either willingly or by force , is not a sign that all is well behind the curtain of Legionary charity . All I know is that , when you are in limbo , as I had lived more that a couple of time in the Legion , what do you say to others , how do you explain to them what you are going through . You live in constant humiliation . From there comes a life of lies to protect the honor of the Congregation , who couldn 't possibly be doing anything wrong . You lie , swallow your pride and keep on plugging along , hoping things will get better . Obviously things are not getting better . This similar situation with this priest has lead him to live outside his religious community but not accepted into a diocese . That is tragic . So much for " We 'll help you with whatever you need . " Obviously , this issue of Legionary procedure has not been addressed . I have given up hope that a true renewal will take place in the Legion long ago . This exchange with this priest has only helped to cement this conviction . We can only pray that our Lord will intercede and rectify this situation . The Legion must not be allowed to continue using people and abusing individual 's generosity . Pope Benedict 's announced retirement has sparked abundant reflection . I could care less about the media hype . It will sell for them just like any other big story . The Church will follow its norms and elect a new Pope . Benedict will fade away for a while . Then he will pass away , there will be pomp and a solemn funeral , and a media will slobber and slander again . It will be what it will . What concerns me is the decision itself . Here is a man who was thrust to the Throne of Peter ( which we celebrate today ) . Here is a man who accepted and fulfilled his mission . And when his strength began to decline , when he realized his health would start to be an impediment , man of God that he is , he decides to step aside and let someone else bear the cross . That mind - boggling humility leaves a lasting impression . We have seen over the past few years men who have fought and killed to hold on to power , only to be imprisoned or murdered by their own people . Then come Benedict who renounces power because he loves his people . He saw that there was something in the way of being able fulfill his mission , so he relinquished the mission for love of the mission . That 's courage . Fr Marcial Maciel was a man who too was unable to fulfill his mission , albeit for different reasons . He was unable to control the desires of the flesh , was dependent on narcotics , at least during periods of his priestly life , fathered at least three children with two women , molested seminarians , and was absent from all contact with his congregation for long periods of time . Any honest man would see that this type of behavior was no way near the ideal of priestly life , not to mention a founder of a religious community . Any honest man would step aside and let someone else take the reins . But Maciel was not an honest man . He deceived his followers from the beginning . He deceived himself and his Lord . He should have resigned years before he was forced to a life of prayer and penance . He was not a courageous man . The announcement this morning that Pope Benedict XVI would be resigning at the end of the month caught me , as well as the Church and the world , by surprise . It didn 't upset me in any way , for the Church is always in the hands of the Holy Spirit . The transition process will start , less the normal mourning period when a pontiff passes away , and before long there will be a new Pope . The period between the death of a pope , and in this case the resignation of a pope , is called " sede vacante " , empty see . During that period the governing of the Church basically is put on hold . The bishops and cardinals that have been named as heads of the Congregations , Dicastaries , Institutes , etc , cease to hold their possitions . Their secretaries continue to take care of the most immediate issue until a new Pope is named . In this case , I am wondering what will happen to Cardinal Velasio de Paolis who , since July of 2010 has been the Papal Delegate overeeing the reform of the Legionaries of Christ ? Since he is the delegate of Pope Benedict XVI , does his authority over the Legion end on February 28 ? It would seem so . But in the interim , will the legionaries take action to change things on their own ? This we may not ever know . There is really little we know about what is really going on inside the Legion . We don 't know all the details of the reform , or if there has been a substantial reform of the internal governance of the Legion . The abuses in the Legion can all be attibuted to the superiors . This same body of superiors , for the most part , the same ones in place after Marcial Maciel died , surely have the same mentality they did before Pope Benedict iniciated the Pastoral Visitation and the reform process . I may be wrong , but I don 't have any proof to the contrary . The Legion would do a great service to the Church to spell out clearly what has been done and what still remains to be done , and how they will conduct themselves during this period of Sede Vacante . Fr Sylvester Heereman of the Legionaries of Christ has sent a farewell Letter to the Holy Father . Here is a link to the letter : http : / / bit . ly / XNhj2P It is filled with all the same lingo that is characteristic of the Legionaries : promise of unwavering fidelity , gratitude for all the Holy Father has done for the Legion . They do express their saddness at his resignation . I still think there is a bit of joy behind the tears . That 's my opinion , probably unfounded . Posted by 1 . It 's not easy to come out publicly and tell the world how you have been deceiving them . On that account , I give credit to Lance Armstrong . That 's not to say I approve of what he did . 2 . There are a lot of parallels between Lance 's story and another man I knew : the founder of the congregation I was a part of for 24 years . Fr . Maciel , like Lance Armstrong , committed many abuses , denied the abuses , accused those who wanted to expose him as liars , and had a whole team of people around him helping him to cover up the story . 3 . Unlike Lance Armstrong , Fr Maciel never admitted his guilt . And that 's the truly sad thing about this . Fr Maciel was a priest , a defender , a preacher of the truth . But Fr Maciel never had the courage of Lance Armstrong to come out publicly and admit his errors . 4 . Many people were hurt by these mens ' deceptions . Some will be healed by hearing Lance Armstrong 's story . Others will not . 5 . Many of us hurt others by our willing deceptions , and pride and fallen nature lead us to keep on living the lie to protect our own pride and self worth . What redeems us is when we accept or failings , accept responsibility for all errors , and asking for forgiveness , first from God , then from others , we are able to live a new life . 6 . I don 't presume to know anything about Lance Armstrong 's faith , but he is on the right track . On December 30 , Fr Alvaro Corcuera went to the hospital in Hartfort , CT because he had been suffering from strong headaches . This seems to be the reason why he took a sabbatical . They found an abnormal growth in his brain and are running tests to find out what it is . He may have to undergo surgery , always a very delicate situation . Let 's join in prayer for Fr Alvaro . Also on December 30 , Fr Antonio Izquierdo passed away . He preached the last spiritual exercises I did in the Legion , 30 days in Rome . It was during these exercises that my desire to leave the Legion solidified . He was an excellent professor . He will be missed . I was doing my morning exercises when the phone rang . It was just after 9 : 00 AM , so I thought it was the parish secretary who starts work at that time . To my surprise it was Archbishop Sergio . He called to let me know that he was sending the final paperwork to Rome after having received the letters granting exclaustration that I mentioned in another post . This was excellent news . It means the end of the process is not as far off as I had imagined . It turned out to be the best Christmas present I could have received . Yesterday , a Legionary priest came to visit me . He is the Assistant for Religious life in the Territory of Brazil . He he personally delivered Cardinal Velasio de Paulis ' letter ( copy of which I had received from the Archbishop of Brasilia ) and offered an explanation of what has been happening in regards to priests and religious who have left the Legion . I am still dumbfounded by this letter . I mentioned earlier that I was expecting an indult to arrive at any time . I guess that 21 year old bottle of Scoth is going to have to wait . I just received a letter from Cardinal Velasio de Paulis , and I can 't say I 'm happy with it 's content . Basically , the Cardinal has granted me exclaustration . In other words , he , as superior of the Congregation , has granted me permission to live outside the community while in the process of being incardinated into the Archdiocese of Brasilia . When I read that I said , " What ? " It has been 29 months since I left the Legion and have only been granted exclaustration now ? Isn 't this the very first step in the process ? I am very confused . I really thought my petition to the Holy See to be dispensed from the vows in the Legion was going to arrive at any time . I thought I was in the final stages . Now it seems the process has only just begun . I am looking for answers . I need to know where I am right now . I so wanted closure and to get on with my life . In closing , the Cardinal addressed the letter to Fr John Stegnicki , LC . Arghh . It has been a long time since I signed my name like that . In fact , I don 't consider myself a legionary anymore . But the cruel fact is I am . That 's what was so disturbing about this letter . Posted by In all my years in the Legion , to utter the words " I resign " was unheard of . You just did not resign . You couldn 't . Holy obedience would not allow it . I was against God 's will manifest through the superiors . Now there is new the Territorial Director of Brazil , Fr Leonardo Nuñez has resigned . That is the word used on the LC page ( in Portuguese ) . Fr Nuñez was made territorial director of Brazil shortly before I left the Legion . When he was named it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach . I knew him as a LC hardliner . Maybe I was wrong . But he had all the characteristics of an insider . But back to the point . He resigned . His resignation was accepted . An interim Territorial Director has been named . It just seems so strange to me . I didn 't think I would see that happen in the Legion . But then again there is the case of Fr Alvaro Corcuera . He didn 't " resign " , but took a leave of absence , or was it a sabbatical , until then next elections . But in effect he resigned . What is happening ? What is going on in their minds . I would love to get inside to find out . But no , I took all the courage I had to get out . I 'll be heeding home in the next few days to spend Thanksgiving with my family . It will be the first time since 1985 . Seems incredible , doesn 't it ? But that 's the way it is . Now , if you are an American in the Legion , your Thanksgiving experience could be very different depending on where you are on the world . If you are in the states , you will more than likely go to Cheshire , CT for your monthly retreat over the Thanksgiving weekend . You 'd pay football in the morning and watch an NFL game in the afternoon . There 'd be a big turkey dinner , and of course the spiritual stuff you would expect on a feast day . In Rome it 's celebrated , not like Cheshire , but , at least there 's something . But if you are anywhere else , forget it . It 's just an ordinary day . Needless to say , you don 't go home for holidays in the Legion . Since I 've been out , I 've gone home for Christmas . Now it 's time to go for Thanksgiving . It will be quite a feast . I know I 'm going to put on the pounds . But heck , it 's been 27 years ! Posted by Life in the Legion was regimented , scheduled and controled . You were asked to offer you freedoam and will up to God as an oblation . In return , the Legion provided your every need : food , clothing , education , family , etc . Sounds good , right ? The only problem is that it dehumanizes the person and opens the door to abusing individuals . That 's how I see it . That 's what happened to me . Freedom is a fundamental human right , and no one should be tricked into giving it up to anyone or anything . Not even God asks us to do that . Rather he invites us to follow him . But he respects our freedom absolutely . I 'll be heading home for Thanksgiving this year . Went on line the other night to check out the prices , scared they would be outrageous seeing as it is a holiday and all . But avoiding the heavy travel days I was able to get a good rate . So , home for Thanksgiving with the family . How long has that been ? Let me think ? I entered the Legion in August of 1986 . The year before that I was in the University of Steubenville . Did I go home for thanksgiving that year ? I think so . So it 's been 27 years since I 've spent Thanksgiving with my family . Twenty - seven freakin ' years ! I 'm 52 . It 's more than half a lifetime . I have to admit , Thanksgiving in the Legion was a really fun day , one of the most enjoyable of the year . But Thanksgiving is a family holiday , and all the fun can 't bring back the lost years . There is so much I missed . Hope to get caught up on a lot more this time . My take . He is resigning . The next General Chapter will elect the new governing body of the Legion and Regnum Christi , and may just elect a new General Director . Therefore , in effect , it is a resignation . Societies of Apostolic Life requesting that I be dispensed from the Evangelical Counsels in the Legionaries of Christ and incardinated into the Archdiocese of Brasília . This is the final step . The only thing left is to receive the indult from the Holy See and I will be officially out of the Legion . I wish I had a date so I could do a count - down . For nine days before the Feast of Mary 's Birth , we prayed the rosary together , celebrated Mass in her honor with a homily on her virtues preached be guest celebrants , prayed the novena prayer at the end of Mass and sang song honoring Mary . In the legion a novena means nine days where there is a special talk preached by one of the superiors about the virtues the Sacred Heart , the Holy Spirit , the Birth of Christ , all according to the charism and methodology of the legion . 2 . The Feast . We had a motorcade and drove through the city streets with the Statue of Mary mounted on a pickup truck ; lots of holy water to bless people , their images of Mary and their homes ; live music over loud speakers singing hymns to Our Blessed Mother and more than 50 cars honking their horns . The image of Mary was brought into the Church in procession by the Legion of Mary to clapping and shouts of praise . Our Mass was solemn , but very joyful . The songs were uplifting and exuberant . The children were dressed as angels and sang songs in honor of Mary at the end of Mass . They crowned here as queen and tossed rose petals at her feet ( and just about everywhere else ) . We had booths set up outside selling hot - dogs , soups and cakes , and a live band playing Christian songs . In the legion the early morning Mass is after an hour of " meditation " and before breakfast . It is in Latin which very few really understand , and the homily , like the novena is about a legionary virtue faithful legionary superior . There is a big meal , and that means a lot more work , then sports until you drop and merienda - cena , which means more work . At first I looked forward to feast days . Then I dreaded them . 3 . The fruits Masses during the novena were full , not to mention the feast itself . People who hadn 't been to church in a while came to Mass . Many of these will keep coming . Others won 't . That 's alright . We are all free . But a seed was planted in the heart of each and every one . In the legion , the younger members will be pacified for a time , until the next feast day , and won 't think too much about their families , the pain they are feeling , the lack of friendship , the humiliations . Their bellies were filled with good food and maybe a little wine . They heard a moving homily on God 's will , and maybe saw a documentary on the founding of the legion . As time goes by , and they are further integrated and the option of leaving becomes treason , they will no longer need these feast days to placate their consciences . Posted by Even during retreats or spiritual exercises you had to employ every minute . You were required to fill out a free time schedule and hand it in to you superior for approval . ( To tell the truth , my most fruitful moments during retreats were walks , just thinking and praying . ) I would see priests and brothers in front of computers at their desks or the computer room for hours at a time " working . " On what ? Building the kingdom , of course . In fact they spent these hours in front of a screen opening and closing windows and files , tweaking and revising , but not saving their work in the end . It was all an illusion of being busy . There were all consuming apostolates . But there were others that had a lot of down time . Those who were sincere used their time well , maybe reading a book . But books had to be approved . You couldn 't read a book that was seen as wasting time . Novels , for example , were only for vacation . But who would want to spend those precious two weeks with you nose in a book when you were sitting behind a computer screen all year long ? So if you wanted to read , it had to be something that would help build the kingdom . You had to be busy . Idle talk was frowned upon . God forbid you were caught talking about anything enjoyable . Conversations had to revolve around , you guessed it , building the kingdom . At meals , if a superior was at the table , all attention had to be on him so he could drive the conversation , of course , to the greatness of the apostolate . True , I didn 't mention lying as an instrument used in manipulating . It really goes without saying . After all , what is being manipulated is not so much the person as the truth . The question is , how can you justify manipulating the truth to obtain you end ? I have found that Legionaries tend to base this justification on a sound principle , albeit badly applied . Charity and respect for the truth should dictate the response to every request for information or communication . the good and safety of others , respect for privacy , and the common good are sufficient reasons for being silent about what ought not be known or for making use of a discreet language . the duty to avoid scandal often commands strict discretion . No one is bound to reveal the truth to someone who does not have the right to know it . It is obvious that , if Larry is speaking to Charlie , Larry does not have to reveal embarrassing or scandalous details about Thomas unless keeping them secret would harm Thomas or someone else . But for Larry to willfully conceal the truth about Charlie from Charlie to get Charlie to do or say something , that 's manipulation . Simple , right ? Take my case , for example . At one point I was told Maciel decided I should leave the Legion . I asked why ? But the only response was , that 's what had been decided . I had the right to know since the burden of asking to be dispensed from the vows was squarely on my shoulders . I was not being expelled . I was told to ask to leave . Is that manipulation , or what ? There are so many other facets to the Truth equation in the Legion . I don 't want to get into every detail . But the fact is , they manipulated the truth to obtain their ends . I wanted to follow up on the idea in my previous post that it is essential for a legionary to manipulate others . The fact is , twenty four years in the congregation gives you a chance to know a lot of people and a lot of legionaries . It was a real Noah 's ark . We were all thrown into the same boat . Some made it to the deck , some navigated , some took the helm , and the great majority swabbed the deck . I swabbed . But what was it that got you to the deck ? What was it made you stand out and make it to the top ? Everyone that entered had talents . Some more than others . That was no guarantee that you were going to be called to the deck . There had to be another quality that was sought after , something that made you stand out . Leadership qualities were a must . But it was in the definition of a leader that we find so many answers . A leader in the Legion ( in practice , not in theory ) is anyone who is able to manipulate other to the desired end . I mentioned a priest I knew who had many personal problems , but was given a pass on these and honored because he was so successful in getting rich people onto the boat . The quality that dictates success is to win people over to the cause , get inside their minds , convince them , no matter what the cost to you or them . It is a very calculating way of doing things . You need to plan , get to know the person , play on his or her weaknesses , and promise rewards . It is very much akin to the Prosperity Gospel so common in Brazil where evangelical churches preach prosperity under the guise of God 's blessing . It 's more subtle in the legion , but it 's there . Maybe it 's not material blessings in this life , but it is eternal salvation . I knew another priest who was a real example of authentic priestly zeal . People loved him for this . There were no limits to his generosity . He would dedicate hours to confession , visit the sick , council anyone who asked , and spend quality time in prayer . But he was marginalized , because he wasn 't getting the required fruits . He was ridiculed by other legionaries as being a new St John Vianney . And that was sad : a man who was truly on fire for the Lord and for souls was treated as second rate , or lower . The number of superiors and other honored legionaries I knew who had very visible faults but were given great prestige was countless . Sometimes I would hear mid - morning snoring coming from their rooms . Others would waste time on unholy practices on the computer ; nothing immoral - just not measuring up to the standard they preached of using time well . I don 't know if you can call it a double standard . In a way it was . But it didn 't matter how many vices or defects you had , as long as you were bearing the right fruits : money and vocations . Just a final word on marginalizing . The Legion is good at creating place to send unwanted priests . The Mission Territory of Quintana Roo in Mexico is the best of all . But there are administrative positions created , auxiliary posts , and so many other places to send non - productive priests or religious . I held a lot of these posts . But I could never be satisfied with that . I wanted to be more productive . I wanted to feel more fulfilled . I do feel more fulfilled now than ever . Parish life is very rewarding . I try very hard not to manipulate people . I listen to them and offer solutions , and respect their freedom . After all , that is what God does . Posted by Rejoice in Hope . ( Rm 12 : 12 ) I am a Catholic priest living in Brazil , formerly a member of the Legionaries of Christ . I am presently in the process of incardination into the Archdiocese of Brasília , and am working as Pastor of the Nativity of Our Lady Parish .

It was a misty , silvery Saturday morning ; the kind where the sun plays hide and seek with the clouds and bathes the leaves with a mellow glow . Mama stood in the living room battling a familiar inner conflict : the thick sheaf of tempting Saturday newspapers and a mug of ginger chai or the little girl playing alone in her room ? Mama always looked forward to her quiet Saturday mornings with the paper , but this Saturday was a little different . This Saturday Daddy had had to rush off for an urgent meeting at the office leaving behind a very upset little girl who always looked forward to her extended Saturday ' Daddy brunches ' , and a weary Mama . A massive volcanic eruption masquerading as a tantrum had followed Daddy 's departure and now that the dust had finally settled , Mama was wary of provoking any further unrest . Besides the little girl seemed happy now and was even humming to herself . . . but then again she had looked so terribly forlorn when daddy left . . . Just ten minutes . Mama promised herself . And then she would go and build towers with the little girl . And make little pink playdoh pigs with curly yellow tails . " Mama ? " The little girl stood beside her with her basket of hair clips and rubber bands and a definitive gleam in her eye . " Your hair looking so funny . Room - it your pony 's tail and Nikki make your hair pretty pretty just like Nikki . " " Okay " Mama said meekly . She knew better than to offer any resistance and she also did not think she had the capacity to weather another tantrum . Besides there was the whole debacle of U didi . U didi who had sidled insidiously into the little girl 's life , to help take care of her and who had left just as insidiously without so much as a by - your - leave a few months later . Now U didi hadn 't been good at many things but if there was one thing she had been rather proficient at , it was making fancy hairstyles . While Mama had thus far considered it a major achievement to pin the little girl down for a few seconds while she hastily ran a comb through her hair and put a clip or two in place , U didi spent copious amounts of time creating elaborate hairstyles . Right from the simple ' fountain ' on top of the little girl 's head to hairstyles reminiscent of the fancy bouffants of Bollywood 's leading ladies of yore , she attempted several hair - dos and managed to create outstanding results . It almost became a ritual of sorts ; the little girl would sit patiently by the large French windows in the dining room while U didi wove her magic , and then much ooh - ing and aah - ing would happen over the little girl 's latest hairstyle . And then U didi left one day taking her hair styling skills with her and breaking the little girl 's heart . Overnight the little girl didn 't want anything to do with her fancy hair clips and scrunchies and hair bands . She refused to entertain thoughts of having her hair styled into even a ponytail despite Mama 's best efforts . Even combing her hair seemed to upset her . So when she began displaying an interest in combing Mama 's hair instead , Mama was willing to do anything to help her get over that evil U didi who had left without a second thought for a little girl who had thought the world of her ( curse her pointy little bouffant - ed head ) . " Very good Mama ! You 're a good girl . Now I make you look pretty pretty okay ? " The little girl got to work in a determined sort of way and since she didn 't seem too inclined for conversation , Mama decided to continue reading . After all this didn 't really hamper the reading process at all . Actually , maybe this was a good thing , this obsession with combing Mama 's hair . Maybe Mama could use this as an opportunity to stop cribbing about all the unread books piling up on the bedside table and actually get some reading done for a change ! The little girl could comb away and Mama could read . Yes , it was brilliant ! Mama was so happy she smiled a little smile to herself . Mama let the newspaper drop to the floor wistfully and closed her eyes . So much for catching up on her reading . Now she 'd have to sit here for God knows how long with her eyes closed till . . . . actually it had been a while since she just sat with her eyes closed like this . It felt kind of good . Relaxing , in a meditative kind of way . Actually maybe this wasn 't such a bad idea either . After all everyone was always telling her to take a chill pill and learn how to relax , and now that she thought about it , she was beginning to feel a little bit relaxed . Yes , Mama could get used to this . Just sitting here , no unnecessary thoughts crowding her mind , no talking . . . ahhh , bliss ! ' Whoa ! What happened , Megha ? You look like a fright ! ' Vijay had looked a little startled when I 'd bounded up to him and I didn 't blame him . I was having a bad hair day and all the running up and down the stairs hadn 't helped matters . It probably looked like a tornado was swirling around my head by now . ' He 's gone there for his daily shot of caffeine , ' Vijay grinned . ' That guy is a tea - totaler - he can 't stand the sight of tea and there isn 't any coffee served at these high tea sessions ! Hey Megha , tell him I 'm looking for him too , will you ? Oh , and Megha ? ' ' Tie up your hair , will you ? It 's kind of , you know , frizzy , ' Vijay said kindly and I smiled and continued on my way . A comment like that would have normally unleashed my temper but Vijay had said it so sweetly and in the most well intentioned way that it was impossible to get angry . Besides , he was right . I paused to glance in the mirror of the office elevator that was transporting me to the basement and cringed at the sight of my hair . It was in a particularly mutinous mood today and each strand had declared independence from gravity ; any more frizz and I would look like I 'd been electrocuted . I whipped out a hair band and quickly secured my hair into a tight knot at the nape of my neck . I normally avoided tying up my hair because everyone said pulled - back hair made me look very young and vulnerable , like a little lost soul . I had interpreted this to mean diffident and under - confident and had taken to wearing my hair loose most of the time . I was so used to it now that I felt strangely exposed with my hair pulled back , as though a crack had appeared in the facade of supreme self - confidence that I kept up most times as I lurked behind my gloriously swinging mane . Vile Varun could 've probably eaten me alive if I 'd walked into the appraisal with my hair tied back like this . The lift lurched to a stop , jerking me out of my reverie , and I hurried along to the coffee shop , my eyes peeled for Yudi . A strong whiff of espresso hit me as soon as I swung the door open and I inhaled huge gulps of it , the familiar smell comforting me somewhat . The Beans Coffee Hut was a popular hangout for the office crowds that worked in GF as well as the surrounding area , and even though the food sucked and the coffee tasted like dishwater , nothing could compare with the fantastic juke box they had in the corner which churned out melodies from as far back as the ' 70s . The owner , Samarpreet , had some ' connections ' in the Bollywood music industry through which he had acquired this treasure and he took loving care of it , servicing it personally every week and polishing it until it shone . I had spent many a post - work evening there in the reluctant company of Vijay , who was more of a rock music buff , listening to old Hindi film songs and melting my office - related woes away over some piping hot masala chai which was the one thing the Beans Coffee Hut did a reasonable job at dishing out . I looked around and my heart sank suddenly as I spotted Yudi in a corner , partially obscured behind some potted greens . He was in the middle of an intense discussion with Priyanka who was looking at him devotedly , her hands clasped in front of her . My mind whizzed back to the thousands of times I had seen Yudi and Priyanka together - at work , in Goa , at the restaurant where I 'd met Gautam . They were definitely a couple from the looks of it and if not that , they had to be interested in each other given the amount of time they spent together . Maybe Yudi had turned his cell off so they could be alone , I realized , as I remembered the ' not reachable ' message on his cellphone . Maybe they wanted to celebrate Priyanka 's success in private and here I was all set to crash the party . Well , there was no going back now - I had no time to lose if that stimulus material was going to make the flight with Yudi . I took a deep breath and approached their table , suddenly feeling terribly self - conscious and acutely aware of my slightly dishevelled appearance . Priyanka could make me feel like a country bumpkin in severe need of a makeover on the best of days , and today was not one of my good days . The recent work overload had taken its toll and I was looking like a dehydrated raccoon with dark circles occupying prime space on my tired face . I had rushed to work that day in my raggedy old jeans and a faded tee , taking advantage of GF 's Friday dressing policy , because I was much more comfortable working in them than the formal work wear I normally donned . ' Umm . . . Yudi ? ' I said nervously , walking up to the table . ' Can I talk to you for a minute , please ? ' Read the rest here ! I glanced warily at my cook who shot back a pleased smile and trotted off to the kitchen looking mighty chuffed . She had finally showed up for work that day after nearly a fortnight 's absence during the course of which she had been systematically dispatching members of her extended family to join the heavenly choir in the sky and subsequently taking leave as a result of the multiple illnesses , deaths and funerals in her family . The month before that it had been a mysterious illness that had afflicted her , before that she 'd had a wedding in the family and before that the roof of her rented room had suddenly collapsed one fine night necessitating a week 's leave . Just that very morning , fed up with her litany of excuses ( impressed as I admittedly was with her creativity at storytelling ) I had threatened to give her the boot and she had miraculously chosen to turn up for work instead of attending her chachi 's mami 's first cousin 's husband 's funeral . As my aunt went on about the luxury of having domestic help in India I found myself thinking about my unending bai woes over the last couple of years . Back when I was footloose and fancy free , or for that matter even after I had settled for matrimonial bliss and set up my own home , bais had never really figured on my list of worries . A spot of cooking and a dash of cleaning were good enough to fit the bill and on the many days that the bai didn 't show up for work I was only too happy to experiment with some cooking or try out the hip new eatery in town while adeptly ignoring the dust bunnies and the mountainous stack of laundry at home . We existed in blissful oblivion , the bai and I . All that changed when my baby came into the picture and I began spending significantly longer stretches of time at home with her . All of a sudden managing the home front and ensuring that the domestic machinery was ship shape assumed utmost importance . Grabbing a masala chai and a brun maska on the go was no longer a viable option for breakfast when you had a baby demanding to be fed . Dust bunnies needed to be banished into oblivion and the pile of laundry ( now multiplied manifold with baby in the picture ) screamed for immediate attention . The bai suddenly became the fulcrum on which the domestic chakra needed to whir without a hitch . And not just any bai would do , it had to be one who was clean , sincere and efficient . And one who showed up for work . I found myself floundering in the Bai Market as I desperately searched for such a domestic diva . It all began with the Great Bai Hunt , which required you to keep your eyes peeled and be on watchful alert when you were out and about . I found myself carefully assessing the various bais on display in my society . I drew up a list of parameters and must - haves against which I ranked them based on their appearance . Finally , satisfied that I had perfected the Great Bai Hunt to a finely honed art , I approached the top choice on my list of prospective bais with what I thought was a suitable job " I 'm not a bai , I live here ! " barked the lady in question turning a delicate shade of green and shooting me a poisonous look that turned my intestines into jelly . She marched off to another group of ladies nearby and began speaking to them in an aggrieved tone while simultaneously throwing more poisonous looks my way . " Please find me a bai ! " I whispered in desperation to the watchman as I sped to the safety of my apartment , deciding to abandon any further plans of the Great Bai Hunt . The watchman rose to the occasion rather admirably and I soon found myself facing round two in acquiring a bai ; the Bai Interview . Prospective candidates began streaming into my house in response to the job vacancy . The interview process itself was mercifully short . I would open the door to find myself being given the once over by a pair ( or sometimes two ) of beady , knowing eyes . " What is the work ? How much time ? How many people ? How much money ? " the bai at the door would bark out the questions in a series of staccato bursts before shaking her head disdainfully and marching off . Many bais came and went but no one seemed remotely interested in taking up the job . My confidence sank to an all time low and I began seriously doubting my ability to hire , let alone retain any help , when one fine day in response to my meek answers to the standard interview questions , a bai actually acquiesced to take up my offer . And so began my tryst with round three , the most complicated round of them all : Hold On To Your Bai For Dear Life ! For after months of painstaking training , supervising and offering a variety of retention incentives , just when you thought that things had finally fallen into place and when you least expected it , the bai would quit for the flimsiest of reasons and vanish into Bai Oblivion , setting into motion yet again the Great Bai Hunt for a new bai . After many years of handling the process of searching for , hiring , training and losing bais , I have finally reached a happy place where it really doesn 't bother me anymore . Unlike old times when I would go through a despairing cycle of shock , anger , regret and what - ifs , the disappearance of a bai now merely gives me cause to shake my head with a reproachful tut - tut and with steely determination I venture forth yet again into the Bai Market . Of course there are stories ( not mine , I seem to have been blessed with more than my fair share of bad maid karma ) of the faithful retainer who 's been loyal to the same family for years at a stretch and I live in constant hope that I too will one day find such a domestic goddess . Until then though , I make do with what I have and keep a watchful eye on the clock every morning as I pass through the dreaded hour between 7 . 00 and 8 . 00am during which the course of my day will get decided ; will the doorbell ring heralding the arrival of my bai or will it be the phone call instead informing me that Sopu Kaka 's maushi 's brother has had a heart attack and there will be no bai in the foreseeable future . And when the bell does chime and the bai walks in and later as I sink with gratitude into my first cup of tea for the day , I realize that for better or for worse I am stuck with my bai , and all said and done having her around does take the bite out of daily domestic drudgery a fair bit . Here 's to all the bais ( or the lack of them ) in our lives then , all those formidable ladies who are a daily and integral part of our households andOriginally written for " The Punekar " So its been a while since I posted here last . Not counting the Punekar posts which were written some time back and which I decided to put up just to fill in the increasingly growing gap between posts . The last three months have been far from rosy and for a while I had just given up on everything , blogging included . It all started with P falling ill , followed in close succession by Nikki , which I blogged about here . Just when life seemed to be limping back to normal and things were getting back on track , Nikki fell ill again . Except that this time round it wasn 't the routine fall ill - go to the doctor - take a dose of antibiotics jig that we had kind of gotten used to , given the number of times she 's been unwell ever since she started playschool . No , what happened this time round made the whole go to the doctor - take antibiotics routine seem like a faraway , rosy dream . It was a complete nightmare from the word go , comprising a week 's stay in the hospital , two days of which were spent in the ICU . My first and only visit to a hospital before this was when Nikki was born and that was something I had prepped for , for over a year . This time round it was unexpected and scarily so . Its been well over a month , nearly two , since this happened but even now just the thought of that hospital stay gives me nightmares . The only good thing that came of the entire episode , even though I wouldn 't have thought such a thing possible at the time , was that the short , harrowing hospital stay helped me get a lot of things in perspective . They say illness always gives you a new , sometimes improved perspective on life . Very true in my case . This episode happened at a time when I certainly needed some perspective and I got it by the cartloads . And cliched as it may sound , I think somewhere it has left me a wiser person . I can handle any shit Mr Murphy ( he seems rather fond of me ) chooses to throw my way now . Having said that , an illness of this magnitude for Nikki is certainly not something I want to undergo ever again . I would much rather hLife , meanwhile , went about her business with nary a care as she is wont to . The maid vanished into thin air a few days after we got back from the hospital without so much as a by - your - leave . The dhobi continued to delight with burnt shirts and mysteriously stained collars . The people who live on the floor right above us carried on with their all year round home renovation program which gives one the constant impression of living under either a bowling alley or a hammer wielder with a particularly nasty temper , or on some particularly good days , both . All delightful little reminders that the show must go on and you really have no choice but to pull up your socks and get on with it . And eventually , time will heal all wounds even if it doesn 't necessarily erase all memories , and life will seem less miserable even with the bais who don 't show up and the errant dhobis . ( I draw the line at the people on top though , they really are a a royal pain . ) In other news , in all of this general chaos and turmoil , my beloved book was launched . I really couldn 't give it the attention or the time it deserved , much less blog about it but I hope to be able to do that now . All in all , it has been around for a couple of months now and by the grace of God its doing well . The reviews have been very encouraging , its made it to the Landmark best - seller list two weeks in a row ( Woo Hoo ! ) and readers have written in to me with very ego boosting kind of stuff which could have potentially gone to my head if it hadn 't been for the able support of my family who 've taken it upon themselves to keep me grounded . In their own special ways , of course . A couple of months ago when the book had just been launched , an impromptu get - together was organized at my aunt 's home . " Read from the book ! " someone shouted . I blushingly obliged . Surrounded by a gaggle of aunts and cousins , heart thumping so hard in my mouth I could barely get the words out , I nervously read from what I hoped was one of the funnier bits in the book . A frozen silence ensued . Baffled looks were exchanged . " Erm , are we supposed to laugh now ? That was the funny bit was it ? " inquired a bewildered voice . Yep , don 't think there 's any danger of my developing a swollen head anytime soon . They help me stay grounded , my family , they do . Last evening Nikki and I attended a Hannah Montana themed birthday party . There was a large Hannah Montana cake , Hannah Montana balloons , goody bags , paper plates and cups , Hannah Montana streamers on the walls ; by the end of it I pretty much had the effervescent Hannah coming out my ears . The party was rather nice , if a little impersonal , and it was probably just me , but I found the sight of several little three year old girls dressed up as Hannah Montana clones a little disturbing . I told the husband about it as we trudged home bearing a large ( Hannah Montana , naturally ) goody bag and we found ourselves reminiscing about the vastly different birthday parties of our own childhoods . The simple , do - it - at - home affairs where you would plan the party games yourself and spend the afternoon of the party feverishly making chits for the passing - the - parcel planned for the evening while your mother worked in the kitchen to provide the few guests , each of whom she knew by name , with homely fare . There are very few , if at all , of these parties anymore and you can 't really blame the parents . It 's a little difficult to explain to your young child , after having attended a Winnie the Pooh themed birthday party complete with the Hundred Acre Woods , that she should be happy with a simple party at home . Having given in to one of these themed parties myself for Nikki 's first birthday however , I 've emerged from the experience weary but wise , and with a rock solid resolve to try and pass on to Nikki the simple but soul satisfying birthday parties of my childhood . This got me thinking of a few other things that I would like to pass on to Nikki from my childhood . The simple , little things , that you could easily overlook , but when you really think about it , went a long way in making your childhood special . A love for reading and books would most certainly top the list of these . There are very few experiences in life that can surpass the joy derived from a good book and a rewarding and enriching relationship with books is something I definitely want to pass on to Nikki . A lot of people scoffed when I began reading to Nikki when she was just about three months old , but when I peek into her room now and see her little head bent in rapture over a book , and when we bond over the adventures of Silly Sally or Bubbles the Monkey at bedtime , I know that with books , it is never too early to begin ( or for that matter , too late ! ) . Next on the list would be the family dinners my parents imposed on us when we were kids and whose value we realized only years later . Every evening , come hell or high water , or to be more apt , exam or new TV soap , all of us were required to show up at the dinner table to have the evening meal as a family . The television and phones were strictly off limits during this time and we were all required to participate in some dinnertime conversation . It was a simple , routine thing to do , something that we did every evening without really thinking too much about it , but when I look back now I realize thAnd so in my own little family now I try and recreate those family dinners of yore by putting Nikki firmly into her highchair at the table and dragging the husband there as well , and insisting that all phones and the TV are turned off . It can get challenging at times with Nikki insisting on using the rotis to play Frisbee with and the husband twitching nervously with severe BlackBerry withdrawal symptoms , but we manage to emerge unscathed from most meals and feel only the better for the time spent together . As the years pass and Nikki grows older I hope we can use this time to strengthen the bond we share and practice the fine art of conversation and the finer art of listening . Which brings me to the next item on my list ; the art of listening - really listening , to other people and taking a genuine interest in their lives . I 've met so many self obsessed people in the last few years that I can almost sense it when a person genuinely interested in others walks into a room . I 'd like Nikki to be one of these few , increasingly rare , but precious people , something that I 'm sure will go a long way in developing her personality and helping her forge real , lasting friendships . And lastly , I 'd like to teach Nikki the ability to be comfortable in and to enjoy her own company , because at the end of the day , no matter how large your circle of friends , you are alone with your own thoughts . There are many other things I 'd like to pass on to Nikki as well , and like every other parent if I had to list them all out I 'd probably end up with a compendium in several parts . But if I had to list just a few , I would choose these . Little things yes , but things that will help build a rewarding childhood , filled with the simple pleasures of life , the way childhood should be . What about you ? What are the things from your own childhood that you would like to pass on to your children ? And if your kids are all grown up already , what are the things you think you did well to pass on ? I headed home suddenly feeling a lot less happy about the lazy summer vacation I had been looking forward to . What if that other mother was right ? Maybe summer camp was an integral part of toddlers ' early education these days ! After all , the times our kids are growing up in are very different from our own , relatively simpler childhoods . I took a few deep breaths and decided to tackle the summer camp issue in a calm and rational manner . " We need to send Nikki to a summer camp ! " I shrieked like a banshee the minute the husband walked in through the door that evening " It 's an important part of her educational base ! She 'll lose out in the long run if we don 't enroll her right away ! " And so a few days later , armed with all the research I had done on summer activities , I set out to attend a few trial classes with Nikki . I had identified a summer camp which had a variety of activities for toddlers , designed to hone their gross and fine motor skills , sensory abilities , cognitive behavior , speech development and every other skill a young person is supposed to be equipped with these days . Our first stop was a yoga class for mothers and toddlers , which aimed at getting the tots introduced to fitness while the mothers improved their flexibility and mental well being . A matronly looking woman greeted us as we entered a room where a few mums and their babies were already perched on yoga mats . " We will begin with some basic exercises " she announced " Please lie down on the floor and stretch out your arms and legs . " I obediently lay down and stretched out my arms and legs as instructed . As I took a few deep breaths I felt a feeling of calm envelop me . This was brilliant ; I would soon be relaxed and supple and I was introducing my daughter to the benefits of yoga at such a young age ! I saw the instructor shoot me an irritated look from the corner of her eye . Thankfully the stretching exercise was over soon and we got ready for the next posture . This involved balancing on gym balls and doing some more stretching . " Look Mama , beeeeeg ball ! " Nikki said delightedly and made a lunge at a bright red gym ball on which a plump woman was precariously balancing herself . I grabbed her in the nick of time and deciding that slip disc surgery would probably be the outcome if I tried any stunts on the ball with Nikki around , beat a hasty retreat . Our next activity was art where I hoped we would fare better since Nikki enjoyed doodling . The room itself was lovely with a multitude of art and craft materials strewn around , and Nikki grabbed a handful of crayons delightedly and began scribbling away . " Do you know how to draw a circle ? " a teacher came up and enquired . Nikki obligingly drew a squiggle . " No , let me show you " taking the crayon from Nikki , the teacher drew a perfect circle . " Let 's try a triangle now " she went on . " That 's enough drawing for today Nikki ! Maybe we should try something new ! " I took Nikki out again and looked around for another activity . Music ! Just the thing we needed to calm down . I walked into a room strewn with musical instruments where a few parents and babies sat in a semi circle around the teacher , a kindly looking elderly gentleman , who was explaining to the group that he would now introduce the kids to the concept of ' sur ' and ' taal ' . " Mama I don 't like this uncle ! " Nikki announced . The teacher took a deep breath and broke into a ' sa re ga ma ' . With near perfect precision Nikki threw her head back and burst into a loud howl matching him perfectly in pitch and crescendo . The elderly gentleman , now looking significantly less kindly , was beginning to give me pained looks so I gathered a bawling Nikki and headed out to the garden , dejected . I sat down on a clump of grass and contemplated the summer camp debacle . Beside me Nikki sighed contentedly . " Mama , I so happy now . " " What ? " I gaped at my daughter . She hadn 't been remotely close to happy in the state of the art yoga class , art class or the music class and here she was sitting around , doing nothing and proclaiming great joy . " You 're happy Nikki ? Why ? " We didn 't sign up for any camp that summer , Nikki and I . Instead we spent a lot of time in the park , counting birds , chasing butterflies and watching the clouds make funny shapes in the sky . We pottered around at home in the kitchen and baked a cake . We went shopping for vegetables and fruits . We made up games and wove imaginary stories out of nothing . And when we got bored we thought of ways to amuse ourselves . It was a happy , contented summer . And at the end of it I really didn 't feel like Nikki had missed out anything or lost out on building her educational base . Because you learn a whole lot more when you are just doing nothing . Originally written for " The Punekar " In my pre - mommyhood days , what sometimes seems like a lifetime away now , I used to be a very different person . I was a driven career woman , climbing up the corporate ladder ; laptop bag in my hand , stars in my eyes . I met deadlines , dealt with demanding bosses , thrived on coffee - fueled early morning meetings and late night presentations . On weekends , I enjoyed lazy lie - ins and luxuriated in bed with a book and the papers . I experimented with food and dined in exotic places . Long lazy brunches and quiet dinners during which I mulled over the little perplexities of life . I took pride in my appearance and indulged myself with lazy soaks in the tub and frequent trips to the salon . My clothes were impeccable , my hair shiny and blow dried . I went dancing and to the movies and the theatre when the whim struck me , curled up with a good book at home when I preferred a more mellow way to unwind . I travelled often , to far - flung exotic destinations , at times long trips , sometimes short ones , embarked on an impulse . They were rather nice , those pre - mommyhood days . All that changed when my daughter first announced her appearance in my life with an ear splitting shriek . " Mother " that shriek seemed to say " I am here now . Get ready for your life to change . Big time . " And change it did . I went from being the driven career woman to perpetually harried first time mother , grappling with the new found challenges of motherhood . The laptop bag was replaced with the diaper bag . The stars in the eyes remained , but they were borne more often than not of a sleep induced haze . Coffee continued to be my best friend . Except it wasn 't to handle deadlines and meetings anymore , it was to keep up with a sleepless infant . Lazy lie - ins became a thing of the past . The child arose each morning at 5 . 30am sharp . Except weekends of course , when it was 4 . 30am sharp . My appearance now was the last thing on my mind . I was usually just grateful on the days when I made it to the shower . I had cereal in my hair . The lazy soaks in the tub were quickly replaced with two minute dashes in and out of the shower , in the middle of many of which I often emerged dripping wet with my heart in my mouth because the child had let out a blood curdling yell ( which as it turned out was because she was just imitating ' Oliver the Monkey ' on television ) . I still danced , but only while entertaining the child at mealtimes . Mealtimes themselves were quick shove - the - food - down - the - gullet affairs for me , and more elaborate ones for the child , stretching on for hours while she mulled over the little perplexities of life and I mulled over what I would serve for the next meal that she might eat faster . I rarely went to the movies anymore and the few times that I did , it almost felt like a surreal , magical experience and I felt like a child at the candy store looking at all that Pepsi and popcorn . I still travelled but only to child friendly places and with luggage enough to make people wonder if I was considering a permanent move to a different planet . Naturally , ninety nine percent was the child 's luggage . And yet , in spite of all these changes , I was the happiest I had ever been now than before my daughter was born . Motherhood is a transformative experience . It was for me . The most life changing , gut wrenching , overwhelming experience of my life . Yes it is tough and challenging and oftentimes frustrating . But it is also hugely rewarding and satisfying and capable of filling you with a fizzy , warm happiness that touches your soul . Those little arms wrapped around you , that little head trustingly resting on your shoulder and that little voice that says " I love you Mama " . The eager little eyes that search for you in a crowd and , when they find yours , the way that little face lights up with radiant joy . The discovery each day , of a new wonder , seen through those innocent , hopeful eyes , something you would never have caught with your own jaded and cynical ones . The experience of watching that tiny bundle you got home from the hospital grow up , the gradual shaping of that little personality , the understanding of what unconditional love means . Yes I do think of my pre - mommyhood days sometimes . I even miss little bits of them . But I wouldn 't want to trade my mommy days for anything in the world ; not even the ones where I have cereal in my hair . For I know that nothing can compare with being my daughter 's mother . Join me then , dear reader , as I walk through first time motherhood with my daughter , sometime stumbling , sometimes waltzing along . For all the parents out there , especially the mothers - new mothers and old ones , mothers to be , those who 'd like to be mums someday , those who value their own relationships with their mums , and those who like a good laugh . This column will take a tongue - in - cheek look at everything that has anything to do with mommyhood . And about being a mum in Pune . And also a little bit of life on the side as I see it . Until the next column , then .

It was a misty , silvery Saturday morning ; the kind where the sun plays hide and seek with the clouds and bathes the leaves with a mellow glow . Mama stood in the living room battling a familiar inner conflict : the thick sheaf of tempting Saturday newspapers and a mug of ginger chai or the little girl playing alone in her room ? Mama always looked forward to her quiet Saturday mornings with the paper , but this Saturday was a little different . This Saturday Daddy had had to rush off for an urgent meeting at the office leaving behind a very upset little girl who always looked forward to her extended Saturday ' Daddy brunches ' , and a weary Mama . A massive volcanic eruption masquerading as a tantrum had followed Daddy 's departure and now that the dust had finally settled , Mama was wary of provoking any further unrest . Besides the little girl seemed happy now and was even humming to herself . . . but then again she had looked so terribly forlorn when daddy left . . . Just ten minutes . Mama promised herself . And then she would go and build towers with the little girl . And make little pink playdoh pigs with curly yellow tails . " Mama ? " The little girl stood beside her with her basket of hair clips and rubber bands and a definitive gleam in her eye . " Your hair looking so funny . Room - it your pony 's tail and Nikki make your hair pretty pretty just like Nikki . " " Okay " Mama said meekly . She knew better than to offer any resistance and she also did not think she had the capacity to weather another tantrum . Besides there was the whole debacle of U didi . U didi who had sidled insidiously into the little girl 's life , to help take care of her and who had left just as insidiously without so much as a by - your - leave a few months later . Now U didi hadn 't been good at many things but if there was one thing she had been rather proficient at , it was making fancy hairstyles . While Mama had thus far considered it a major achievement to pin the little girl down for a few seconds while she hastily ran a comb through her hair and put a clip or two in place , U didi spent copious amounts of time creating elaborate hairstyles . Right from the simple ' fountain ' on top of the little girl 's head to hairstyles reminiscent of the fancy bouffants of Bollywood 's leading ladies of yore , she attempted several hair - dos and managed to create outstanding results . It almost became a ritual of sorts ; the little girl would sit patiently by the large French windows in the dining room while U didi wove her magic , and then much ooh - ing and aah - ing would happen over the little girl 's latest hairstyle . And then U didi left one day taking her hair styling skills with her and breaking the little girl 's heart . Overnight the little girl didn 't want anything to do with her fancy hair clips and scrunchies and hair bands . She refused to entertain thoughts of having her hair styled into even a ponytail despite Mama 's best efforts . Even combing her hair seemed to upset her . So when she began displaying an interest in combing Mama 's hair instead , Mama was willing to do anything to help her get over that evil U didi who had left without a second thought for a little girl who had thought the world of her ( curse her pointy little bouffant - ed head ) . " Very good Mama ! You 're a good girl . Now I make you look pretty pretty okay ? " The little girl got to work in a determined sort of way and since she didn 't seem too inclined for conversation , Mama decided to continue reading . After all this didn 't really hamper the reading process at all . Actually , maybe this was a good thing , this obsession with combing Mama 's hair . Maybe Mama could use this as an opportunity to stop cribbing about all the unread books piling up on the bedside table and actually get some reading done for a change ! The little girl could comb away and Mama could read . Yes , it was brilliant ! Mama was so happy she smiled a little smile to herself . Mama let the newspaper drop to the floor wistfully and closed her eyes . So much for catching up on her reading . Now she 'd have to sit here for God knows how long with her eyes closed till . . . . actually it had been a while since she just sat with her eyes closed like this . It felt kind of good . Relaxing , in a meditative kind of way . Actually maybe this wasn 't such a bad idea either . After all everyone was always telling her to take a chill pill and learn how to relax , and now that she thought about it , she was beginning to feel a little bit relaxed . Yes , Mama could get used to this . Just sitting here , no unnecessary thoughts crowding her mind , no talking . . . ahhh , bliss ! ' Whoa ! What happened , Megha ? You look like a fright ! ' Vijay had looked a little startled when I 'd bounded up to him and I didn 't blame him . I was having a bad hair day and all the running up and down the stairs hadn 't helped matters . It probably looked like a tornado was swirling around my head by now . ' He 's gone there for his daily shot of caffeine , ' Vijay grinned . ' That guy is a tea - totaler - he can 't stand the sight of tea and there isn 't any coffee served at these high tea sessions ! Hey Megha , tell him I 'm looking for him too , will you ? Oh , and Megha ? ' ' Tie up your hair , will you ? It 's kind of , you know , frizzy , ' Vijay said kindly and I smiled and continued on my way . A comment like that would have normally unleashed my temper but Vijay had said it so sweetly and in the most well intentioned way that it was impossible to get angry . Besides , he was right . I paused to glance in the mirror of the office elevator that was transporting me to the basement and cringed at the sight of my hair . It was in a particularly mutinous mood today and each strand had declared independence from gravity ; any more frizz and I would look like I 'd been electrocuted . I whipped out a hair band and quickly secured my hair into a tight knot at the nape of my neck . I normally avoided tying up my hair because everyone said pulled - back hair made me look very young and vulnerable , like a little lost soul . I had interpreted this to mean diffident and under - confident and had taken to wearing my hair loose most of the time . I was so used to it now that I felt strangely exposed with my hair pulled back , as though a crack had appeared in the facade of supreme self - confidence that I kept up most times as I lurked behind my gloriously swinging mane . Vile Varun could 've probably eaten me alive if I 'd walked into the appraisal with my hair tied back like this . The lift lurched to a stop , jerking me out of my reverie , and I hurried along to the coffee shop , my eyes peeled for Yudi . A strong whiff of espresso hit me as soon as I swung the door open and I inhaled huge gulps of it , the familiar smell comforting me somewhat . The Beans Coffee Hut was a popular hangout for the office crowds that worked in GF as well as the surrounding area , and even though the food sucked and the coffee tasted like dishwater , nothing could compare with the fantastic juke box they had in the corner which churned out melodies from as far back as the ' 70s . The owner , Samarpreet , had some ' connections ' in the Bollywood music industry through which he had acquired this treasure and he took loving care of it , servicing it personally every week and polishing it until it shone . I had spent many a post - work evening there in the reluctant company of Vijay , who was more of a rock music buff , listening to old Hindi film songs and melting my office - related woes away over some piping hot masala chai which was the one thing the Beans Coffee Hut did a reasonable job at dishing out . I looked around and my heart sank suddenly as I spotted Yudi in a corner , partially obscured behind some potted greens . He was in the middle of an intense discussion with Priyanka who was looking at him devotedly , her hands clasped in front of her . My mind whizzed back to the thousands of times I had seen Yudi and Priyanka together - at work , in Goa , at the restaurant where I 'd met Gautam . They were definitely a couple from the looks of it and if not that , they had to be interested in each other given the amount of time they spent together . Maybe Yudi had turned his cell off so they could be alone , I realized , as I remembered the ' not reachable ' message on his cellphone . Maybe they wanted to celebrate Priyanka 's success in private and here I was all set to crash the party . Well , there was no going back now - I had no time to lose if that stimulus material was going to make the flight with Yudi . I took a deep breath and approached their table , suddenly feeling terribly self - conscious and acutely aware of my slightly dishevelled appearance . Priyanka could make me feel like a country bumpkin in severe need of a makeover on the best of days , and today was not one of my good days . The recent work overload had taken its toll and I was looking like a dehydrated raccoon with dark circles occupying prime space on my tired face . I had rushed to work that day in my raggedy old jeans and a faded tee , taking advantage of GF 's Friday dressing policy , because I was much more comfortable working in them than the formal work wear I normally donned . ' Umm . . . Yudi ? ' I said nervously , walking up to the table . ' Can I talk to you for a minute , please ? ' Read the rest here ! I glanced warily at my cook who shot back a pleased smile and trotted off to the kitchen looking mighty chuffed . She had finally showed up for work that day after nearly a fortnight 's absence during the course of which she had been systematically dispatching members of her extended family to join the heavenly choir in the sky and subsequently taking leave as a result of the multiple illnesses , deaths and funerals in her family . The month before that it had been a mysterious illness that had afflicted her , before that she 'd had a wedding in the family and before that the roof of her rented room had suddenly collapsed one fine night necessitating a week 's leave . Just that very morning , fed up with her litany of excuses ( impressed as I admittedly was with her creativity at storytelling ) I had threatened to give her the boot and she had miraculously chosen to turn up for work instead of attending her chachi 's mami 's first cousin 's husband 's funeral . As my aunt went on about the luxury of having domestic help in India I found myself thinking about my unending bai woes over the last couple of years . Back when I was footloose and fancy free , or for that matter even after I had settled for matrimonial bliss and set up my own home , bais had never really figured on my list of worries . A spot of cooking and a dash of cleaning were good enough to fit the bill and on the many days that the bai didn 't show up for work I was only too happy to experiment with some cooking or try out the hip new eatery in town while adeptly ignoring the dust bunnies and the mountainous stack of laundry at home . We existed in blissful oblivion , the bai and I . All that changed when my baby came into the picture and I began spending significantly longer stretches of time at home with her . All of a sudden managing the home front and ensuring that the domestic machinery was ship shape assumed utmost importance . Grabbing a masala chai and a brun maska on the go was no longer a viable option for breakfast when you had a baby demanding to be fed . Dust bunnies needed to be banished into oblivion and the pile of laundry ( now multiplied manifold with baby in the picture ) screamed for immediate attention . The bai suddenly became the fulcrum on which the domestic chakra needed to whir without a hitch . And not just any bai would do , it had to be one who was clean , sincere and efficient . And one who showed up for work . I found myself floundering in the Bai Market as I desperately searched for such a domestic diva . It all began with the Great Bai Hunt , which required you to keep your eyes peeled and be on watchful alert when you were out and about . I found myself carefully assessing the various bais on display in my society . I drew up a list of parameters and must - haves against which I ranked them based on their appearance . Finally , satisfied that I had perfected the Great Bai Hunt to a finely honed art , I approached the top choice on my list of prospective bais with what I thought was a suitable job " I 'm not a bai , I live here ! " barked the lady in question turning a delicate shade of green and shooting me a poisonous look that turned my intestines into jelly . She marched off to another group of ladies nearby and began speaking to them in an aggrieved tone while simultaneously throwing more poisonous looks my way . " Please find me a bai ! " I whispered in desperation to the watchman as I sped to the safety of my apartment , deciding to abandon any further plans of the Great Bai Hunt . The watchman rose to the occasion rather admirably and I soon found myself facing round two in acquiring a bai ; the Bai Interview . Prospective candidates began streaming into my house in response to the job vacancy . The interview process itself was mercifully short . I would open the door to find myself being given the once over by a pair ( or sometimes two ) of beady , knowing eyes . " What is the work ? How much time ? How many people ? How much money ? " the bai at the door would bark out the questions in a series of staccato bursts before shaking her head disdainfully and marching off . Many bais came and went but no one seemed remotely interested in taking up the job . My confidence sank to an all time low and I began seriously doubting my ability to hire , let alone retain any help , when one fine day in response to my meek answers to the standard interview questions , a bai actually acquiesced to take up my offer . And so began my tryst with round three , the most complicated round of them all : Hold On To Your Bai For Dear Life ! For after months of painstaking training , supervising and offering a variety of retention incentives , just when you thought that things had finally fallen into place and when you least expected it , the bai would quit for the flimsiest of reasons and vanish into Bai Oblivion , setting into motion yet again the Great Bai Hunt for a new bai . After many years of handling the process of searching for , hiring , training and losing bais , I have finally reached a happy place where it really doesn 't bother me anymore . Unlike old times when I would go through a despairing cycle of shock , anger , regret and what - ifs , the disappearance of a bai now merely gives me cause to shake my head with a reproachful tut - tut and with steely determination I venture forth yet again into the Bai Market . Of course there are stories ( not mine , I seem to have been blessed with more than my fair share of bad maid karma ) of the faithful retainer who 's been loyal to the same family for years at a stretch and I live in constant hope that I too will one day find such a domestic goddess . Until then though , I make do with what I have and keep a watchful eye on the clock every morning as I pass through the dreaded hour between 7 . 00 and 8 . 00am during which the course of my day will get decided ; will the doorbell ring heralding the arrival of my bai or will it be the phone call instead informing me that Sopu Kaka 's maushi 's brother has had a heart attack and there will be no bai in the foreseeable future . And when the bell does chime and the bai walks in and later as I sink with gratitude into my first cup of tea for the day , I realize that for better or for worse I am stuck with my bai , and all said and done having her around does take the bite out of daily domestic drudgery a fair bit . Here 's to all the bais ( or the lack of them ) in our lives then , all those formidable ladies who are a daily and integral part of our households andOriginally written for " The Punekar " So its been a while since I posted here last . Not counting the Punekar posts which were written some time back and which I decided to put up just to fill in the increasingly growing gap between posts . The last three months have been far from rosy and for a while I had just given up on everything , blogging included . It all started with P falling ill , followed in close succession by Nikki , which I blogged about here . Just when life seemed to be limping back to normal and things were getting back on track , Nikki fell ill again . Except that this time round it wasn 't the routine fall ill - go to the doctor - take a dose of antibiotics jig that we had kind of gotten used to , given the number of times she 's been unwell ever since she started playschool . No , what happened this time round made the whole go to the doctor - take antibiotics routine seem like a faraway , rosy dream . It was a complete nightmare from the word go , comprising a week 's stay in the hospital , two days of which were spent in the ICU . My first and only visit to a hospital before this was when Nikki was born and that was something I had prepped for , for over a year . This time round it was unexpected and scarily so . Its been well over a month , nearly two , since this happened but even now just the thought of that hospital stay gives me nightmares . The only good thing that came of the entire episode , even though I wouldn 't have thought such a thing possible at the time , was that the short , harrowing hospital stay helped me get a lot of things in perspective . They say illness always gives you a new , sometimes improved perspective on life . Very true in my case . This episode happened at a time when I certainly needed some perspective and I got it by the cartloads . And cliched as it may sound , I think somewhere it has left me a wiser person . I can handle any shit Mr Murphy ( he seems rather fond of me ) chooses to throw my way now . Having said that , an illness of this magnitude for Nikki is certainly not something I want to undergo ever again . I would much rather hLife , meanwhile , went about her business with nary a care as she is wont to . The maid vanished into thin air a few days after we got back from the hospital without so much as a by - your - leave . The dhobi continued to delight with burnt shirts and mysteriously stained collars . The people who live on the floor right above us carried on with their all year round home renovation program which gives one the constant impression of living under either a bowling alley or a hammer wielder with a particularly nasty temper , or on some particularly good days , both . All delightful little reminders that the show must go on and you really have no choice but to pull up your socks and get on with it . And eventually , time will heal all wounds even if it doesn 't necessarily erase all memories , and life will seem less miserable even with the bais who don 't show up and the errant dhobis . ( I draw the line at the people on top though , they really are a a royal pain . ) In other news , in all of this general chaos and turmoil , my beloved book was launched . I really couldn 't give it the attention or the time it deserved , much less blog about it but I hope to be able to do that now . All in all , it has been around for a couple of months now and by the grace of God its doing well . The reviews have been very encouraging , its made it to the Landmark best - seller list two weeks in a row ( Woo Hoo ! ) and readers have written in to me with very ego boosting kind of stuff which could have potentially gone to my head if it hadn 't been for the able support of my family who 've taken it upon themselves to keep me grounded . In their own special ways , of course . A couple of months ago when the book had just been launched , an impromptu get - together was organized at my aunt 's home . " Read from the book ! " someone shouted . I blushingly obliged . Surrounded by a gaggle of aunts and cousins , heart thumping so hard in my mouth I could barely get the words out , I nervously read from what I hoped was one of the funnier bits in the book . A frozen silence ensued . Baffled looks were exchanged . " Erm , are we supposed to laugh now ? That was the funny bit was it ? " inquired a bewildered voice . Yep , don 't think there 's any danger of my developing a swollen head anytime soon . They help me stay grounded , my family , they do . Last evening Nikki and I attended a Hannah Montana themed birthday party . There was a large Hannah Montana cake , Hannah Montana balloons , goody bags , paper plates and cups , Hannah Montana streamers on the walls ; by the end of it I pretty much had the effervescent Hannah coming out my ears . The party was rather nice , if a little impersonal , and it was probably just me , but I found the sight of several little three year old girls dressed up as Hannah Montana clones a little disturbing . I told the husband about it as we trudged home bearing a large ( Hannah Montana , naturally ) goody bag and we found ourselves reminiscing about the vastly different birthday parties of our own childhoods . The simple , do - it - at - home affairs where you would plan the party games yourself and spend the afternoon of the party feverishly making chits for the passing - the - parcel planned for the evening while your mother worked in the kitchen to provide the few guests , each of whom she knew by name , with homely fare . There are very few , if at all , of these parties anymore and you can 't really blame the parents . It 's a little difficult to explain to your young child , after having attended a Winnie the Pooh themed birthday party complete with the Hundred Acre Woods , that she should be happy with a simple party at home . Having given in to one of these themed parties myself for Nikki 's first birthday however , I 've emerged from the experience weary but wise , and with a rock solid resolve to try and pass on to Nikki the simple but soul satisfying birthday parties of my childhood . This got me thinking of a few other things that I would like to pass on to Nikki from my childhood . The simple , little things , that you could easily overlook , but when you really think about it , went a long way in making your childhood special . A love for reading and books would most certainly top the list of these . There are very few experiences in life that can surpass the joy derived from a good book and a rewarding and enriching relationship with books is something I definitely want to pass on to Nikki . A lot of people scoffed when I began reading to Nikki when she was just about three months old , but when I peek into her room now and see her little head bent in rapture over a book , and when we bond over the adventures of Silly Sally or Bubbles the Monkey at bedtime , I know that with books , it is never too early to begin ( or for that matter , too late ! ) . Next on the list would be the family dinners my parents imposed on us when we were kids and whose value we realized only years later . Every evening , come hell or high water , or to be more apt , exam or new TV soap , all of us were required to show up at the dinner table to have the evening meal as a family . The television and phones were strictly off limits during this time and we were all required to participate in some dinnertime conversation . It was a simple , routine thing to do , something that we did every evening without really thinking too much about it , but when I look back now I realize thAnd so in my own little family now I try and recreate those family dinners of yore by putting Nikki firmly into her highchair at the table and dragging the husband there as well , and insisting that all phones and the TV are turned off . It can get challenging at times with Nikki insisting on using the rotis to play Frisbee with and the husband twitching nervously with severe BlackBerry withdrawal symptoms , but we manage to emerge unscathed from most meals and feel only the better for the time spent together . As the years pass and Nikki grows older I hope we can use this time to strengthen the bond we share and practice the fine art of conversation and the finer art of listening . Which brings me to the next item on my list ; the art of listening - really listening , to other people and taking a genuine interest in their lives . I 've met so many self obsessed people in the last few years that I can almost sense it when a person genuinely interested in others walks into a room . I 'd like Nikki to be one of these few , increasingly rare , but precious people , something that I 'm sure will go a long way in developing her personality and helping her forge real , lasting friendships . And lastly , I 'd like to teach Nikki the ability to be comfortable in and to enjoy her own company , because at the end of the day , no matter how large your circle of friends , you are alone with your own thoughts . There are many other things I 'd like to pass on to Nikki as well , and like every other parent if I had to list them all out I 'd probably end up with a compendium in several parts . But if I had to list just a few , I would choose these . Little things yes , but things that will help build a rewarding childhood , filled with the simple pleasures of life , the way childhood should be . What about you ? What are the things from your own childhood that you would like to pass on to your children ? And if your kids are all grown up already , what are the things you think you did well to pass on ? I headed home suddenly feeling a lot less happy about the lazy summer vacation I had been looking forward to . What if that other mother was right ? Maybe summer camp was an integral part of toddlers ' early education these days ! After all , the times our kids are growing up in are very different from our own , relatively simpler childhoods . I took a few deep breaths and decided to tackle the summer camp issue in a calm and rational manner . " We need to send Nikki to a summer camp ! " I shrieked like a banshee the minute the husband walked in through the door that evening " It 's an important part of her educational base ! She 'll lose out in the long run if we don 't enroll her right away ! " And so a few days later , armed with all the research I had done on summer activities , I set out to attend a few trial classes with Nikki . I had identified a summer camp which had a variety of activities for toddlers , designed to hone their gross and fine motor skills , sensory abilities , cognitive behavior , speech development and every other skill a young person is supposed to be equipped with these days . Our first stop was a yoga class for mothers and toddlers , which aimed at getting the tots introduced to fitness while the mothers improved their flexibility and mental well being . A matronly looking woman greeted us as we entered a room where a few mums and their babies were already perched on yoga mats . " We will begin with some basic exercises " she announced " Please lie down on the floor and stretch out your arms and legs . " I obediently lay down and stretched out my arms and legs as instructed . As I took a few deep breaths I felt a feeling of calm envelop me . This was brilliant ; I would soon be relaxed and supple and I was introducing my daughter to the benefits of yoga at such a young age ! I saw the instructor shoot me an irritated look from the corner of her eye . Thankfully the stretching exercise was over soon and we got ready for the next posture . This involved balancing on gym balls and doing some more stretching . " Look Mama , beeeeeg ball ! " Nikki said delightedly and made a lunge at a bright red gym ball on which a plump woman was precariously balancing herself . I grabbed her in the nick of time and deciding that slip disc surgery would probably be the outcome if I tried any stunts on the ball with Nikki around , beat a hasty retreat . Our next activity was art where I hoped we would fare better since Nikki enjoyed doodling . The room itself was lovely with a multitude of art and craft materials strewn around , and Nikki grabbed a handful of crayons delightedly and began scribbling away . " Do you know how to draw a circle ? " a teacher came up and enquired . Nikki obligingly drew a squiggle . " No , let me show you " taking the crayon from Nikki , the teacher drew a perfect circle . " Let 's try a triangle now " she went on . " That 's enough drawing for today Nikki ! Maybe we should try something new ! " I took Nikki out again and looked around for another activity . Music ! Just the thing we needed to calm down . I walked into a room strewn with musical instruments where a few parents and babies sat in a semi circle around the teacher , a kindly looking elderly gentleman , who was explaining to the group that he would now introduce the kids to the concept of ' sur ' and ' taal ' . " Mama I don 't like this uncle ! " Nikki announced . The teacher took a deep breath and broke into a ' sa re ga ma ' . With near perfect precision Nikki threw her head back and burst into a loud howl matching him perfectly in pitch and crescendo . The elderly gentleman , now looking significantly less kindly , was beginning to give me pained looks so I gathered a bawling Nikki and headed out to the garden , dejected . I sat down on a clump of grass and contemplated the summer camp debacle . Beside me Nikki sighed contentedly . " Mama , I so happy now . " " What ? " I gaped at my daughter . She hadn 't been remotely close to happy in the state of the art yoga class , art class or the music class and here she was sitting around , doing nothing and proclaiming great joy . " You 're happy Nikki ? Why ? " We didn 't sign up for any camp that summer , Nikki and I . Instead we spent a lot of time in the park , counting birds , chasing butterflies and watching the clouds make funny shapes in the sky . We pottered around at home in the kitchen and baked a cake . We went shopping for vegetables and fruits . We made up games and wove imaginary stories out of nothing . And when we got bored we thought of ways to amuse ourselves . It was a happy , contented summer . And at the end of it I really didn 't feel like Nikki had missed out anything or lost out on building her educational base . Because you learn a whole lot more when you are just doing nothing . Originally written for " The Punekar " In my pre - mommyhood days , what sometimes seems like a lifetime away now , I used to be a very different person . I was a driven career woman , climbing up the corporate ladder ; laptop bag in my hand , stars in my eyes . I met deadlines , dealt with demanding bosses , thrived on coffee - fueled early morning meetings and late night presentations . On weekends , I enjoyed lazy lie - ins and luxuriated in bed with a book and the papers . I experimented with food and dined in exotic places . Long lazy brunches and quiet dinners during which I mulled over the little perplexities of life . I took pride in my appearance and indulged myself with lazy soaks in the tub and frequent trips to the salon . My clothes were impeccable , my hair shiny and blow dried . I went dancing and to the movies and the theatre when the whim struck me , curled up with a good book at home when I preferred a more mellow way to unwind . I travelled often , to far - flung exotic destinations , at times long trips , sometimes short ones , embarked on an impulse . They were rather nice , those pre - mommyhood days . All that changed when my daughter first announced her appearance in my life with an ear splitting shriek . " Mother " that shriek seemed to say " I am here now . Get ready for your life to change . Big time . " And change it did . I went from being the driven career woman to perpetually harried first time mother , grappling with the new found challenges of motherhood . The laptop bag was replaced with the diaper bag . The stars in the eyes remained , but they were borne more often than not of a sleep induced haze . Coffee continued to be my best friend . Except it wasn 't to handle deadlines and meetings anymore , it was to keep up with a sleepless infant . Lazy lie - ins became a thing of the past . The child arose each morning at 5 . 30am sharp . Except weekends of course , when it was 4 . 30am sharp . My appearance now was the last thing on my mind . I was usually just grateful on the days when I made it to the shower . I had cereal in my hair . The lazy soaks in the tub were quickly replaced with two minute dashes in and out of the shower , in the middle of many of which I often emerged dripping wet with my heart in my mouth because the child had let out a blood curdling yell ( which as it turned out was because she was just imitating ' Oliver the Monkey ' on television ) . I still danced , but only while entertaining the child at mealtimes . Mealtimes themselves were quick shove - the - food - down - the - gullet affairs for me , and more elaborate ones for the child , stretching on for hours while she mulled over the little perplexities of life and I mulled over what I would serve for the next meal that she might eat faster . I rarely went to the movies anymore and the few times that I did , it almost felt like a surreal , magical experience and I felt like a child at the candy store looking at all that Pepsi and popcorn . I still travelled but only to child friendly places and with luggage enough to make people wonder if I was considering a permanent move to a different planet . Naturally , ninety nine percent was the child 's luggage . And yet , in spite of all these changes , I was the happiest I had ever been now than before my daughter was born . Motherhood is a transformative experience . It was for me . The most life changing , gut wrenching , overwhelming experience of my life . Yes it is tough and challenging and oftentimes frustrating . But it is also hugely rewarding and satisfying and capable of filling you with a fizzy , warm happiness that touches your soul . Those little arms wrapped around you , that little head trustingly resting on your shoulder and that little voice that says " I love you Mama " . The eager little eyes that search for you in a crowd and , when they find yours , the way that little face lights up with radiant joy . The discovery each day , of a new wonder , seen through those innocent , hopeful eyes , something you would never have caught with your own jaded and cynical ones . The experience of watching that tiny bundle you got home from the hospital grow up , the gradual shaping of that little personality , the understanding of what unconditional love means . Yes I do think of my pre - mommyhood days sometimes . I even miss little bits of them . But I wouldn 't want to trade my mommy days for anything in the world ; not even the ones where I have cereal in my hair . For I know that nothing can compare with being my daughter 's mother . Join me then , dear reader , as I walk through first time motherhood with my daughter , sometime stumbling , sometimes waltzing along . For all the parents out there , especially the mothers - new mothers and old ones , mothers to be , those who 'd like to be mums someday , those who value their own relationships with their mums , and those who like a good laugh . This column will take a tongue - in - cheek look at everything that has anything to do with mommyhood . And about being a mum in Pune . And also a little bit of life on the side as I see it . Until the next column , then .

GABE : My parents encouraged my getting involved with singing at local events and church when I was just a little boy . My first memory of singing for a crowd is at a festival in my hometown when I was maybe four or five . Eventually , I joined the school band and choir . GABE : The fans - for both questions . It 's always a thrill to think all of those people came out - spending their hard - earned money and time - to come and see me . Everyone can hear me when they buy a CD or download a song - which is damn humbling in of itself - but when I 'm performing live , they 're there to see me . I always get a thrill from that . It 's a high like nothing else . GABE : You mean besides dodging ladies panties being thrown at me while on stage ? I 've had too many to count . But the one that - at the time it was happening - I considered the craziest was when my ex - fiancée showed up at one of my concerts . I truly thought I 'd seen it all then . Our breakup hadn 't been pretty , and needless to say , I never expected her to ever come out to see me . Turned out she hadn 't . She was there to break the news of the plane crash that killed my father and his wife , who was her sister . Of course , what happened afterward is damned crazy - we ended up getting married to adopt my baby brother - who is also her nephew . Not a marriage made in haven at first . I 'll tell you that ! GABE : The one I sang at the NFR a few months after Micki and I got married . I still get goose bumps when I sing that song , especially if she 's around to hear it . I wrote it our wedding night while she was sleeping in one room and I was in another drinking whiskey and thinking about how our life could have been so different if we hadn 't broken each other 's hearts . GABE : Ranching . Something I NEVER wanted to do and which is EXACTLY what I want to do when I 'm not touring . It 's damned funny how fate knows better what you should be doing than you do . Gabriel McKenna is living the dream . A rising country music star he 's no stranger to fame , money , or beautiful women . Despite his bad boy image , he 's also got a heart of gold , and when his ten - year - old brother is orphaned , he wants to take him under his wing . But the judge on the case is less than impressed by Gabe 's reputation and awards custody to the grandfather Gabe knows firsthand is abusive . Michaela Finn is no stranger to heartache . Years ago she was engaged to Gabe McKenna , but two days before their wedding he ran off to Nashville with a female talent scout . Now Gabe is back in her life with an insane plan . Marry him , so he can get custody of his younger brother . Michaela can 't bear to think of any child being hurt , but she 's just not sure her heart can carry a happy tune when Gabe is playing lead … ALSO be sure to check out the grand prize giveaway ! Enter for a chance to win one of four $ 20 gift cards ! Visit each author 's page for more entries ! CLICK HERE TO ENTER Posted on February 17 , 2017 by Sara Walter Ellwood Music plays a big part in all of my contemporary westerns , particularly country music . I don 't always listen to music when I write , but I often plan or plot my stories while listening . I 've even gotten story ideas from listening to either a certain artist or from a particular song . This song makes me think of my heroine from Heartland . The song is about a young girl whose life is turned upside down when her parents divorce . The same thing happens to Emily as a child . Because Emily is a country - turned - pop singer , I almost always picture her singing it when I hear it . The first time I heard this song I instantly thought about my heroine from Gambling On A Secret . The song is an emotional ballad about a stripper and how much she hates what she 's doing and often cries her mascara off ; hence the black tears . Charli from Gambling On A Secret had run away from home when she was fifteen and ended up working as a stripper in Las Vegas . The song fits Charli so much it could have been written about her . Heartstrings was inspired by this song . The original title of this story was " The Long Road Home . " In the story my hero is trying to find his way back home - and to the daughter he never knew . The heroine also has a broken road ahead of her - she has to forgive the hero for leaving and herself for pushing him away . This song also inspired the song Seth writes with his teenage daughter in the story . My currently out of print novella , Chasing A Cowboy ( published in the anthology set Cowboy Up ) was directly inspired by this song . I heard it one day not long after it was released as a radio single and instantly pictured a country singer groom jilted at the altar and going on the honeymoon alone … Only there 's a little less drinking on the plane and I send the run - away bride 's fraternal twin sister after the groom . Toby Keith - my hero Seth Kendall from Heartstrings is loosely modeled after a young Toby Keith . Crazy fact - I had never seen Toby Keith 's movie Broken Bridges ( a story about a country singer who meets his daughter for the first time ) until long after I wrote Heartstrings . In fact , I didn 't even know the movie existed until a friend told me about it . Then I had to see it to make sure my story didn 't too closely resemble the movie . I was greatly relieved that , other than the trope , the two have nothing much in common . Well , except the heroes look like Toby Keith … Taylor Swift / LeAnn Rimes / troubled young artists like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears - A mesh - up these artists gave me elements that made up my troubled young songstress Emily Kendall from Heartland . Like Taylor Swift and LeAnn Rimes , Emily has an amazing - crazy talent at a tender age . She 's only fifteen when she gets her first record deal and she blurs the genre lines - making as many country number one as she does pop . But like so many young artists , she marries far too young and begins using drugs - until she finds out she 's pregnant and realizes she has to get away from her pop star ex - husband . Look for book 2 of the series , Heartsong , on pre - order right now . It releases in January , 2016 . Book 3 , Heartland , is also on pre - order and is set for release in June 2016 . When country music superstar Chase Jordan is jilted at the altar by his sexy swimsuit model fiance , he escapes to the very same resort in Cobo San Lucas , Mexico , where they were to have their honeymoon . He hopes to nurse his broken heart and damaged ego in the true country song fashion - with a bottle of Jose Cuervo . However , he never expected his childhood best friend - and twin sister of the bride - not - to - be - to follow him to Mexico and con the resort into believing she is Mrs . Jordan , nor was he ready for the truth - Paige was all grown up and sexier than her twin sister . Paige Morgan as lived her entire life in the glare of her fraternal twin sister 's star . Although the sisters couldn 't be more different then the sun and moon , Paige fell in love with the same man as her sister . When Chase is dumped at the altar , Paige sees an opportunity to go after the one thing of her sister 's she 's always wanted . But when this resourceful cop finds Chase , will he change his tune or will Paige also end up with a broken heart ? A warm breeze passed through the bar , bringing with it the scent of coconut suntan lotion , tropical flowers and saltwater , and he looked around . Three of the sides of the cantina were open to the outside . As " Loving You " thankfully ended on the jukebox , he squinted his eyes against the brilliant turquoise ocean as the late afternoon sun drenched waves crashed against the white sand of the beach . Every couple filling the small tables inside the bar and lounging on the beach seemed only seconds away from going from R - rated to X - rated . He 'd booked the exclusive honeymoon resort outside Cobo San Lucas , hoping to keep out of the prying eyes of the paparazzi and to surprise Kayla . She 'd fallen in love with the southern part of the Baja California Peninsula during one of her photo shoots here a few years ago . All of his hopes and dreams shattered on what should have been the happiest day of his life . Today , instead of settling in for their two - week vacation and only getting out of bed to eat , he was nursing a bottle of Jose Cuervo . Why had he come here ? His brother was right ; he could have easily eaten the cost of the trip . Chase had insisted that he had to escape for a little while , lick his wounds and come up with a plan . Jack accused him of wanting to punish himself . Why else would he go to the place he and Kayla were to have their honeymoon ? Had he come here to remind himself of what should have been ? He shook his head , hoping to dislodge the thoughts , and turned to gaze out the other side of the bar . A woman stood on the walkway staring at him through a pair of Aviators . Her long blond ponytail shimmered in the sun like spun gold . He narrowed his eyes . Was he now hallucinating ? She entered the bar and headed toward him . Sitting in the stool beside him , she removed her sunglasses to reveal a pair of expressive hazel eyes . " Surprise . " Sneak Peek Sunday - from HEARTSTRINGS … Uh - oh , she 's drunk , lonely and he 's just sung her a love song . This can 't be good … She had to get away from him . Had to escape or she 'd do something stupid and destroy her family . There was no doubt she wanted him , missed him , was lonely , and she was drunk . An extremely dangerous combination . At the door of her Silverado , he caught up and took her arm . " You aren 't in any condition to drive . Where 's your friend ? " She shook her head . " She 's going home with - with her boyfriend . " He was right ; she was too drunk to drive home . Tears threatened to fall , and she swallowed her pride as she fell into his arms . " Please , take me home . " Posted on April 21 , 2013 by Sara Walter Ellwood Welcome to Sneak Peek Sunday for April 21 ! Today , I return to my contemporary western romance , Heartstrings to share not only a snippet but also the amazing trailer Theresa McClinton of Making It Reel had made ( for those who hadn 't seen it yet ) . In this peek , Seth is visiting his grandfather in the nursing home where Abby works as an RN . She led him down the wide corridor to a private room at the end of the hall . At the door , he gripped the frame and turned toward her . " I 'd like to come over to your place tomorrow . I promised Emily I 'd go riding with her . " She stepped away and looked over her shoulder at him . " I 'm not so sure that 's a good idea . She already idolizes you . I 'd hate for her to get hurt when you leave . " Abby quick - stepped it down the hall , and Seth followed the swish of her long , glossy braid as it moved with her , brushing the top of the curve of her perfect ass . He wanted to run his fingers through all that luscious hair and caress all those wonderful curves . How could any woman look that sexy in that God - awful pink getup ? MY PRIZE : Your choice of any TWO ( 2 ) of my four books ( Please let me know which ones you would like . Click on cover to read blurbs / excerpts and reviews . Heartstrings is featured below ) . It 's no secret that I love to garden , and spring is my favorite season . The past month ( March ) has been tough here in Central Pennsylvania . We had a lot of snow . They are so easy to grow that even those professed of having a black thumb can grow these lovelies with little or no care , other than some water when the soil is dry to the touch . I love to grow these charmers , which were as popular in Victorian England as they are today in our modern world , in containers . But I also have the smaller perennial variety , often called by the botanical name of viola , in my garden . Here 's a photo of them with my antique cabbage rose . Here in the Mid Atlantic region they are often planted in late February to Mid March and can survive snow falls and freezing temps . Pansies will raise their beautiful faces to the sun until about late June . That 's when the temperatures climb to high for them . But that 's okay , by then the garden is being taken over by summer flowers . The last person Abby Crawford wants to face down is country music superstar Seth Kendall . Last time she did , she flat - out lied so he 'd go to Nashville without her . She 's never understood why their mutual best friend proposed , but she went with it so her baby wouldn 't be fatherless . Now she 's a divorced mother of a teenager , and secretly Seth 's biggest fan . Seth is home in McAllister , Texas for his father 's funeral … and a chance to meet the daughter he 's never known . He 's willing to face the music of his own making and admit he 's known about his little girl all along . For fifteen years he 's kept his distance because Abby told him to follow his dreams without her , insisting she didn 't love him . But now he won 't leave until he knows his daughter and she knows him , even if it means facing the woman who broke his heart for good . Seth leaned in . His lips were close enough to kiss , and his scent of sandalwood and something exotic enveloped her , taking her back to that night on the beach . His eyes flashed with the dangerous fire of his temper . It was similar to the flame of the passion she 'd once seen in the green depths . Abby didn 't expect or want the heat curling in her belly , and shivered with a sudden and fierce desire . " I 'm her father , Abigail . I wanted to be her father after she was born . It was you and Mike who insisted I had no business messing things up . " He pounded a fist on the counter top so hard she jumped . " Yes , I left ! I wasn 't welcome at home . Dad ran me off with a shotgun . Mike wouldn 't even let me see my daughter . He made it quite clear you and he were happily married , and I had no place in your life . I was under contract to be in Nashville to start recording my first album . " Before she had a chance to voice her question , his eyes darkened as the pupils dilated , obscuring the stormy green . " But I 'm no longer nineteen and scared shitless . I could make things very rough for you and this fantasy you 've got working . " He backed off and tapped the countertop . " I 'm talking a custody battle . I could have a judge order a paternity test . I think we both know the media hoopla the results would cause . " " Try me . Now that I 've met Emily , I want to get to know her . " He walked over to look out the kitchen window . The hard line of his jaw melted , and he swallowed so hard his throat moved up and down . " I was a fool when I let Mike talk me out of being in her life after she was born . " " All I want is to have some time with my daughter . That 's all I 'm asking for . " When he looked over his shoulder at her , sadness replaced the anger in his eyes . " I 'll keep your little secret . I 'll just be her favorite singer . The family friend who made it big in Nashville . I don 't want to hurt her . As much as it galls the hell out of me , I see what Mike means to her . " He moved toward her and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans . " Besides , I don 't want to hurt Carolann or Frank any more than you do . " He glanced outside again , his voice husky as he spoke . " But I 'll sue you if I have to . " She gritted her teeth and fisted her hands by her sides . " I 'll let you have tonight , Seth . But don 't ask for more . " Posted on April 7 , 2013 by Sara Walter Ellwood Welcome to Sneak Peek Sunday ! Today , I 'm sharing another six paragraphs from my recently released contemporary western romance , Heartstrings . In this peek , Abby apologizes to her ex for what he sacrificed when he married her and become a father to her baby even though he was in love with someone else . The woman is now his current wife and he 'd had an affair with her while still married to Abby … She straightened and faced him as she pushed her hair from her face . A warm breeze blew across the flat grassland of the pastures . " You know what for . You and Tammy Jo . You were so head over heels crazy for her in high school . I wish I 'd have known about your affair sooner . I 'd have let you go then . It 's the least I could have done . " She 'd be lying to herself if she said his secret two - year affair with Tammy Jo hadn 't hurt , but she couldn 't be what Mike needed . She loved him , but not as a woman should love her husband . He 'd always been more like a big brother to her . Her best friend . Seth had been the one she 'd burned for during those long nights while Mike slept on the far side of their bed . He never felt passion for her either . Soon after their marriage , they stopped trying to find it . Their nearly non - existent sex life had always been damned awkward . He looked away and leaned his backside against a fence post . " I 've always loved her . But I couldn 't turn my back on you - or Emily . " The one thing she never understood was why he 'd made the sacrifice . But now wasn 't the time to ask . Of course , he wouldn 't have told her anyway . He never had any of the other times she 'd asked . 2 . Post 6 paragraphs ( no more , no less ) from either a WIP or a published work . The post must be live by 9 : 00AM Sunday . Cowboys are known as bad - boys , but what happens when the bad - boy is also the law in town ? What is it about these contradictions that make small town sheriffs , Texas Rangers and ex - outlaws - turned - lawmen so irresistible ? Whether you write or love to read about the Wild West or modern day Montana , what do you love most about lawmen who are also cowboys ? And what makes them so gosh - darn sexy ? Sign ups are open until April 21 . I send out the welcome and instruction email to all participants on April 23 . If you would like to take part , sign - up on Cowboy Charm . A half - hour later , he rode out of the pasture behind Abby 's barn , led Emily 's mare into the stable and unsaddled her . He searched until he found a brush , then rubbed the mare down and gave her a ration of oats in a bucket . He let her out into the pasture as Abby marched across the driveway toward him . She pushed past him into the relative coolness of the barn and turned to face him . Her fists were propped on the curve of her hips . His gaze stuck on the cutoff denim shorts and the long toned legs below the frayed edges . Her tennis shoes were set apart in a tense stance . He dragged his eyes back up her body and smiled . Her soft curves were a welcome treat when compared to the supermodel walking skeletons he normally hooked up with . " You know , time has definitely treated you well . " 2 . Post 6 paragraphs ( no more , no less ) from either a WIP or a published work . The post must be live by 9 : 00AM Sunday . Cowboys are known as bad - boys , but what happens when the bad - boy is also the law in town ? What is it about these contradictions that make small town sheriffs , Texas Rangers and ex - outlaws - turned - lawmen so irresistible ? Whether you write or love to read about the Wild West or modern day Montana , what do you love most about lawmen who are also cowboys ? And what makes them so gosh - darn sexy ? Sign ups are open until April 21 . I send out the welcome and instruction email to all participants on April 23 . If you would like to take part , sign - up on Cowboy Charm . Hard to believe only two days ago my back yard garden looked like this . I live in South Central Pennsylvania and we got a surprise snow storm on March 18 . Guess we didn 't make St . Patrick very happy with us . Or that stupid groundhog lied to us . Punxsutawney Phil didn 't see his shadow - that 's supposed to mean an early spring . I 'm with Bill Murray from the movie Groundhog Day on this one - drag him out of his hole and let 's eat that rodent . Okay , let 's not . I 've never been into eating groundhog ( also known as a woodchuck ) , or any other rodents for that matter . But I digress . Let 's talk one of my favorite things about spring - flowers . . Spring is my favorite season for many reasons , but mostly I love it because of the flowers . Most of my favorite flowers bloom from April to June . Daffodils , tulips , irises , peonies , lupine , bleeding hearts and roses . Not to mention all the flowering trees - cherry , crabapple and plum . . From February to November , something is always in bloom in my garden . These are commonly called snowdrops , the botanical name is Galanthus . Although they are not as gorgeous as tulips and daffodils , when I see them every late winter - sometimes even peeking their white flowers out of the snow - I know Spring Is in the Air and really isn 't that far away . The last person Abby Crawford wants to face down is country music superstar Seth Kendall . Last time she did , she flat - out lied so he 'd go to Nashville without her . She 's never understood why their mutual best friend proposed , but she went with it so her baby wouldn 't be fatherless . Now she 's a divorced mother of a teenager , and secretly Seth 's biggest fan . Seth is home in McAllister , Texas for his father 's funeral … and a chance to meet the daughter he 's never known . He 's willing to face the music of his own making and admit he 's known about his little girl all along . For fifteen years he 's kept his distance because Abby told him to follow his dreams without her , insisting she didn 't love him . But now he won 't leave until he knows his daughter and she knows him , even if it means facing the woman who broke his heart for good . His voice was husky , and he readjusted his guitar strap around his neck . " When I was seventeen , Jimmy Gatlin asked me to sing on this stage . All I had was my mother 's old acoustic guitar . It was enough , I guess , because Jimmy kept telling me to come back . " He paused and bowed his head as the audience erupted with applause and whistles . When he looked up , he smiled and winked at Abby . " So , here I am again with my biggest fan from then in the audience . " Although the passion of the crowd swept her away , she didn 't miss the play of emotions on his face . She understood what he hadn 't said , that there was as much pain in the memories as there was joy of those early years . John Kendall 's lack of pride in his talent had hurt Seth deeply . He 'd written that song about her ! Being thrown at full gallop couldn 't have jolted her harder . She gasped and leaned back in her chair . Still dazed by the revelation , she couldn 't concentrate on the final four songs he performed . How many of his other songs were about her ? The thought rattled her . She ordered another beer , and still her throat burned . Her mouth was dry . The set finished , and he thanked the band for their backup . He walked off the stage to another standing ovation , rowdy applause , whistles and catcalls . Seth regained his chair beside her and took a long draw on a glass of water a waitress had brought him . She didn 't want to consider the possibility she 'd inspired any of his songs . Most of his love songs were about lost or unrequited love . What did he really want from her ? She had to get away from him . Had to escape or she 'd do something stupid and destroy her family . There was no doubt she wanted him , missed him , was lonely , and she was drunk . An extremely dangerous combination . At the door of her Silverado , he caught up and took her arm . " You aren 't in any condition to drive . Where 's your friend ? " She shook her head . " She 's going home with - with her boyfriend . " He was right ; she was too drunk to drive home . Tears threatened to fall , and she swallowed her pride as she fell into his arms . " Please , take me home . " Sara Walter Ellwood is an award winning author whose novel Gambling On A Secret was named by bestselling author Carolyn Brown in the Happy Ever After Blog on USA Today as one of her favorite romances of 2012 . Although Sara has long ago left the farm for the glamour of the big town , she draws on her experiences growing up on a small hobby farm in West Central Pennsylvania to write her stories . She 's been married to her college sweetheart for nearly 20 years , and they have two teenagers and one very spoiled rescue cat named Penny . She longs to visit the places she writes about and jokes she 's a cowgirl at heart stuck in Pennsylvania suburbia . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

A week ago Sunday I mentioned that one of my confessions would be that I feel that I have not done as good of a job as I could have / should have , visiting with you about prayer . Trying to help you understand the purpose of , and benefit of Godly prayer . I share these three prayers with you over the last few days to give you a picture of what I think are some of Christianity 's best prayers . I asked you to read them and look for the common themes . Several of you commented , and you get it . If you take a moment today and read them again , you will see the common themes . Prayer submits me to God . Pray brings my heart to kneel . In prayer I am lost in him and in his purpose . In prayer I realize that nothing on my heart or mind compares to basking in his presence . Now at this point someone will say that God cares for our needs and concerns . I would agree . But these should not be the primary focus of our praying . Our praying needs to be about spending time with the Master . . . . . . . . with no strings attached . When I come to your house to dinner , it is about us hanging out and enjoying each other . It is not about me asking you for everything . This is such a change to the thoughts of most American Christians , who think that God is a spiritual vending machine . . . . . . prayer in - blessings out . The monastics , and the great Christ followers of all time , found peace and rest in the presence of the one that they loved . And so in prayer , I lose myself in Him . I find myself in him . I retreat from the world , so that I can return to it as the person he made me to be . In prayer I say , not my will but thine . In prayer I deliver my time , talent and treasure to him for his disposal . It all came from him anyway , and our lives find perspective when our focus is leaning into him instead of worrying about our stuff . I also find it a bit interesting that often in prayer , you are the answer . Not that you are some power broker , but often , the answer that we seek comes from us simply releasing ourselves to do and be what God calls us to be . This principle is iPosted by Tomorrow we will talk about the three prayers . Today , I can only write about the awesome mark that the youth made on my life yesterday . So , ok , I am easy . If anyone is hungry to be touched by God , it has to be the preacher that does not have to preach on a particular Sunday . For once in your life you get to go sit in the pew with your wife and listen to the service . The youth did not disappoint us . The music was awesome . The singers were awesome . The speakers were awesome . The energy from the youth group was beyond description . If you missed it , I am sorry for you . If you intentionally skipped it , then you have reaped the reward for that choice . Young people , you were awesome . I was blessed . I can only hope that I give to others the same touch of God that you gave to me at the youth service on Sunday . I can 't tell you how excited I am for you and how proud I am of all of you . Thank you ! It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . St . Ignatius of Loyola 1491 - 1556 was a Spanish priest who founded the Order of Jesus [ Jesuits ] . He is the patron saint of spiritual retreats . He left some pretty cool prayers . Here is one called surrender : Take O Lord and receive my entire liberty , my memory , my understanding , and my whole will . All that I am , and all that I possess , you have given me . I surrender it all to you to be disposed of according to your will . Give me only your love and grace . With these , i will be rich enough and will desire nothing more . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . John Wesley [ 1703 - 1791 ] was an Anglican Priest who inadvertently became the founder of the Methodist Church . He was a fiery preacher who led thousands of people to Christ . Travelling by horseback all over England he would preach three times per day . The common people of the day responded with joy to his message of grace . Wesley spoke seven languages and wrote a ton of books . Consequently , he made a lot of money , but lived a very austere lifestyle and gave the rest to the poor . Among his many writings is a prayer that has become known as the Wesley Covenant Prayer . I am no longer my own but thine . Put me with what thou wilt , rank me with whom thou wilt . Put me to doing . Put me to suffering . Let me be employed by thee or laid aside for thee . Exalted by thee or brought low by thee . Let me be full or let me be empty . Let me have all things or let me have nothing . I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal . And now O glorious and blessed God , Father , Son and Holy Spirit , thou are mine , and I am thine . So be it . And the covenant which I have made on earth , let it be ratified in heaven . Good stuff . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Posted by I have three favorite historic prayers . I am going to share them with you over the next 3 days . They are awesome . See if you can see a common thread within these three prayers . St . Francis : Giovanni Fransesco de Bernardone 1181 - 1226 . Patron Saint of animals and the environment . He organized an order of friars which would become known as the Franciscans . You see a lot of statues of him in gardens . We have one at our house . Although he only lived for 45 years , he left quite a mark on the world , and he left one of my favorite prayers . Lord , make me an instrument of your peace . Where there is hatred , let me sow love . Where there is injury , pardon . Where there is doubt , faith . Where there is despair , hope . Where there is darkness , light . Where there is sadness , joy . O Divine Master - Grant that I may not seek to be consoled , as to console . to be understood , as to understand . to be loved as to love . For it is in giving that we receive . It is in pardoning that we are pardoned . It is in dying that we are born again to eternal life . Amen . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Oh no . We are going to become a mega church . If we become a mega church , a lot of people are going to leave . We don 't want to be a mega church . Ok . So , what is a mega church ? And , who gets to decide when there are enough people ? Personally , I am sick to my stomach thinking about how many people are here now . I go to meetings with people who have attended for years , and I don 't even know them . It drives me crazy . But , who of you would like to stand out at the front door and tell the really new folks that they can 't come in ? We have enough . You can 't come in because we don 't want to become a mega church . I thought that we were supposed to win every person that we could to Jesus Christ and his church . If that is so , then how do you stop that ? When do you get to stop that ? Do you ever get to decide how big your church will be ? Isn 't it a blessing if others want to come to your church ? I am sure there are lots of churches who wish that they were at capacity and still others want to come . Jesus did not stop with the 12 . Nor did he stop with the 70 or the 120 . There are millions of Christians all over the world , and he keeps trying to win more . So should we . It is not about our comfort , or how many , it is about us hearing the call of Christ to reach out and working to fulfill our potential . Is there someone that you know that you want to invite to church ? The harvest is plentiful but the laborers are few . pray that God would send others to work the fields . God wants everyone to come to a knowledge of him . he wants everyone to come into a relationship with him . We have no right to stop that because we are uncomfortable around crowds . Sorry , but that is just the way that it is . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Building myth # 3 = we should not spend the money on a building , but we should spend the money on missions . Ahh . So awesome sounding . But if we took that advice 12 years ago , we would still be spending $ 3 , 000 per year on missions . Fact is , the money we spent to build the building in 1999 opened the door and increased the potential so that now we are spending 100 , 000 per year on missions . Making room for others grows the soil from which larger missions ideas grow . There are dreams for us out in the future in mission that we will never know if we do not invite others to join us . Truth is , it is a both and . When others join you , your potential grows . But , that will never happen unless you make room for them . It all goes together . Space for people that will hear God 's call and join us in mission . It all goes together . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . If yesterday 's post was building myth one : we have enough room . Today can be building myth two : the pastor only cares about new people . Ouch . If that were true , the only people that I would care about were the 125 that were here in 1994 . Everyone else , since then , is technically " new " . Because they have all been won to the church by the outreach efforts of the original group . Fact is , your pastor cares deeply about every single person in the church . Young , old and in between . Child , youth and adult . God 's family includes every single one of you and it is my job to reach you when you are outside the church , care for you once in the church , and send you out into the world to reach others . That is the cycle . We come in . We get our feet on the ground . We go out . Without the going out , there is no church , just a country club . And the going out into the world , by definition , implies reaching out to others . It is not that the pastor cares for others more than those who are here , it is that the pastor 's deep desire is that we all fulfill God 's purpose by continuing to reach out . When we stop doing that , we have forgotten what the church is about . So the pastor cares about all of you . And the pastor cares about all of you enough to not allow us to sink into our easy chair and decide that the world revolves around us . The gospel is active . It is out there , and it is waiting for your active participation today . I love you enough to challenge you to be about our Father 's business . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . I heard it the other day . Why build ? We have enough room for us . Please stop and think of what that sounds like and what that means . If the people at Woods Chapel had said that in 1998 , there would still only be 250 people in attendance . Everyone else that has joined since then would not even be here at the church . When we join the church , we pledge to support it by our " prayers , presence , gifts , service and witness . " What is our witness to the community if we stop making room for others ? We have enough for us . That is all that matters . When churches decide that they have arrived , they begin the process of dying . People with vision leave . People that want the church to reach out and touch the world , they leave . The church becomes a place that is turned in on itself , where everything is measured by " if it is good for us . " There are lots of churches like this around . Let us pray that our church does not become one . It is a very difficult place to come back from . Jesus still calls us to reach the community with his love . There are lots of unchurched people in our neighborhoods . There is still this thing called the great commission . Let us draw together in pursuit of God 's purpose for our church . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . This post is shamelessly human . Never count the old guy out . I was on a canoe trip Friday and Saturday . Same bunch of guys for the last four years . One of the traditions of the trip is that everybody tries to dunk the biggest guy . Don 't feel bad for him , this is just what happens when you are the biggest dude on the block . You get used to it . Well , for years , we have tried unsuccessfully . One at a time , two at a time , surprise attack , nothing worked . This year , everything changed . let 's just say that the oldest guy dunked the biggest guy . Alone . Mano e mano . Yes , it was a surprise attack , but when you are the oldest guy you have to do what you can to settle the score . Regardless , anyway you look at it , he went all the way under . Yes , he got up and thrashed the old guy like a rag doll , but it was all worth it . Victory is sweet . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Romans 12Place Your Life Before God 1 - 2 So here 's what I want you to do , God helping you : Take your everyday , ordinary life - your sleeping , eating , going - to - work , and walking - around life - and place it before God as an offering . Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him . Don 't become so well - adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking . Instead , fix your attention on God . You 'll be changed from the inside out . Readily recognize what he wants from you , and quickly respond to it . Unlike the culture around you , always dragging you down to its level of immaturity , God brings the best out of you , develops well - formed maturity in you . I am at my best when I am not trying to fit in . . . to feel comfortable . . . . to be what someone else expects . It takes to much effort . For me there seems to be little reward or satisfaction in conformity . The older I get the less appealing it has become . . . . life is too short to not explore it and what it has in store for me . My father was that way . He saw things and people from a whole other angle . As a kid I used to think he was just strange , as an adult I began to see and understand him differently . . . . scary when that happens . I suppose the key is to become comfortable in your own skin and understanding that , " God brings the best out of you " if you let him . Peace , Lion 's Den Man Back in July I wrote about our family 's positive experience with sports , teams and coaches . I mentioned a friend of mine that is both a teacher and a coach , how he loves what he does and how important and rewarding it is to him to help kids reach their potential . Yesterday I got to see him in action . He and his coaching staff had a student athlete that needed encouragement . They understood the situation . They showed compassion . They humbled themselves by sharing their own similar personal experiences and struggles . They brought humor into the conversation . Weaknesses were not mentioned . They worked from the positive . They made the student feel whole and inspired . It was so perfect it almost seemed choreographed . . . . but it wasn 't . . . . it was just an honest and pure response made by a few good people who want to make a difference in the life of a kid . Awesome ! As I said before , it takes a village , and I am in a good one . Peace , Lion 's Den Man Someone asked if Jesus delivered guilt . What about his pointed painful talks with the pharisees ? I guess I would agree that Jesus squared off with a few people . He challenged them to stop oppressing and hurting people . I think there are people and systems in the world today that Jesus would challenge if he were here in person . I do think that there is a difference between squaring off with someone , telling the truth as you see it , and delivering guilt . Guilt is something that we use as a tool to manipulate people to do what we want them to do . Parents are known to do this to their children . Some pastors do this to their people . Some churches have a theological approach that is all about casting blame and shame in an attempt to straighten people up . Those that engage in delivering guilt generally tend to do so as a normal part of their mode of operation . They may not even see that they are doing it . After all , aren 't they just trying to help people do right ? But the end of such behavior is hurt and pain . The end of guilt delivery is broken and crushed people . We end up driving away the very people that we were trying to win . Yes Jesus squared off with the arrogant . But Jesus did not in my opinion try to motivate people by shaming them or making them feel guilty . I don 't think we should either . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . There is an old saying : an ounce of mother is worth a pound of pastor . Let me say it another way : an ounce of love is worth a pound of pastor . Recently , I delivered an ounce of guilt to someone . Maybe even a half an ounce . And . . . it crushed them . I did not mean to deliver the guilt , I thought I was trying to do good . But evidently it hurt them . Obviously it hurt them . I am sorry . Guilt is a very painful thing . Jesus never dealt in guilt . We need to be very careful about delivering guilt . Grace is the alternative . Grace . Grace . Grace . Grace . How can I help you see that you are loved , that you are awesome , that you are forgiven . Grace alone . We go forth , we go forward , we live , by grace alone . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Grass . We like it when it is pretty , green and free of weeds . There is a person not far from our house who did some re - sodding in their yard . They neglected to keep the sod watered and it died . What did come up though , was a nice stand of nutsedge . Nutsedge is that stuff that looks like grass but the blades are fatter and it grows really fast . Now the neighbor is watering their nutsedge , thinking it is grass . It is tough stuff to get rid of and definitely not grass . And so what is growing in our lives ? Is it Christian stuff or do we only think it is Christian stuff ? How do you know the difference . It is pretty simple really . If what we are doing is Christ centered , it is Christian . If what we do is us centered , it is nutsedge . If self is in the mix , it only looks like the Christian life . To really find the joy of being a Christian , we need to learn to live lives that are void of self - interest . We need to learn and practice giving ourselves away for the sake of Christ . When we do , oh what joy ! It feels good ! And the good news is , no matter where you are on the journey , you can begin today to live the life that is about loving others . God is love so when you love others , you will find him in your midst . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . There are those moments when everyone is smiling and all is well . Don 't let them go by without giving thanks to God . Because other moments may be coming where you will look at the pictures and remember the times and wonder . Into each life a little rain must fall . Rain causes the flowers to grow . Sand irritates an oyster and produces a pearl . God makes all things beautiful in his time . Look long term , keep busy and enjoy the pictures . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Beautiful little white church for sale in Ben Lomond , Calif . When churches forget why they are here , they begin to die . The people forget about the great commission and turn inward . They forget that Jesus came to serve rather than to be served . Their sanctuaries become less and less filled . Joy is replaced with fear . The average age of the congregation begins to soar . Pretty soon the handwriting is on the wall . People begin to make plans to close , to merge , to end the dream . You see this repeated all over the country . Sometimes I take time to wonder - who were these people , what were their dreams ? Where did they go ? What happened to the fire ? The remedy for this disaster is simple . Churches have to recover a sense of why they exist . They must refocus on the call of Christ . They , we all need to sniff out self - centeredness as it appears in our church world view , and find again the purpose to which Jesus calls us . When we do this , the church thrives and dry bones come back to life . When you come to church , are you primarily looking for something for yourself , or do you realize that you are an important part of the plan of God to reach out and care about the people that he brings your way ? Do you find your joy in what you get or what you give ? It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Someone asked about the plumbing for the shower . Is there hot water or does it just run off the roof . Interestingly enough , the water pipes , both hot and cold are attached to the kitchen sink , they run outside , around the perimeter of the cabin , totally exposed to the weather , and finally back to the shower . The water was hot and it felt really good . Another interesting thing about this camp was the number of deer that seemed to roam around with no fear of man . Now why would anyone be afraid of Quakers anyway ? I saw many deer while I was there and they were very cooperative when I wanted to take their pictures . Wouldn 't it be nice if everyone was so trusting . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Someone asked what the bath room facilities were like at the haven . Well , there is a toilet inside the haven . but there is not a sink in the bathroom . the sink is in the kitchen . So , you go there to wash your hands . The shower is outside . It is the kind of situation where you know no one is around , but you still feel kind of funny taking a shower out where anyone that came along could see you . See the picture ? We don 't like to feel uncomfortable , but sometimes that is just how life is . Quaker life is simple . There is a mop and a bucket to clean the floor but no chemicals . Clean it with regular water . I think that is just how life used to be . And somehow , it is simple and it is good . I really enjoyed the stay . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . The name of the place that I stayed last week was " the haven . " It was a nice cabin almost to the end of the road . The haven is one of several cabins that belong to the Quaker Center in Ben Lomond , Calif . No TV , no airconditioning , but you really didn 't need it . Nice , but basic . Simple . That is the Quaker way . To find a place of quiet is so important , and you don 't have to go to California to do so . Today at 9am I baptized a young man at the beach at the cove behind the main Lakewood Clubhouse . It was so quiet and peaceful and beautiful back there at 9am . Simple . Quiet . Good . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . [ the pop up box that some of you were experiencing in the last few days has been resolved . It was not a virus . A picture that was posted was somehow directing readers to the woods chapel server which calls for a password . Sorry about the concern . It should be fixed now . ] Difficult thingsSometimes I get to visit with folks about difficult things that they are facing . Divorce , Family feuds . Problems at work . Etc . Many of the problems that we face are not easily resolved . Some are not resolvable . Sometimes we are powerless to change what is happening and we are left dealing with things that turn into ongoing open wounds . One of the best pieces of advice that I have collected over the years sounds something like this : " yes this thing makes you mad , yes this thing is very disturbing , yes we wish it was not here . What ever you do , be sure to conduct yourself in a manner that years from now you will not regret your behavior . " In other words , yes this is a tough time , but don 't act vindictively . Don 't hurt the other people just because you are hurt . If you can be kind when your heart is breaking , you can always look back on that chapter of your life with no regrets . Sometimes I have to take my own advice . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Odd . I don 't like crowds . I am ok with crowds at church . I have learned to get used to it , and I know that we are supposed to win every person that we can . But in the rest of the world , I am not into crowds . My counselor tells me that I am an introvert in an extrovert 's world . I noticed my nervousness about crowds on my trip last week . After being alone in the forest for a week , I spend the last day in San Francisco because my flight left from there . When wandering around some of the famous places by the bay , there were big crowds . If it was bad enough , I did not even go in . Some place that I really wanted to see , but I would just walk on by because I did not want to deal with the bodies . When given the choice I will always choose the restaurant with the quiet corner , the grocery store when there are no lines , the road less traveled . I don 't know what that is all about . Quiet is good , silence is golden . I am glad for the chance to win ever person that we can , but lots of people make me nervous . Oh well . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . I have some stories to share from last week . United Methodist Pastors are required to spend two weeks each year in continuing education . Everyone knows that preachers need to get smarter . Often continuing education consists of going somewhere and sitting in a seminar . One of the things that I have chosen to do the last three years is to take a week and go to a camp in the California Redwoods to read . I am constantly accumulating books that I need to read , and a week sequestered away with a pile of books is one way that I have found to get them digested . So I am at this camp last week outside of Ben Lomond , California . The camp is at the end of a very narrow road . There are no street lights , you can barely call it a street . My cabin is at the end of the road , the farthest up the hill . This is a one way road and in some places you can barely sneak a car past the trees . One night , after spending the afternoon at Henry Cowell Redwoods State Park and stopping for Pizza on the way back to the cabin , I arrived after dark . And let me tell you , it was dark . I realized as I pulled up in front of the cabin that this is about as quiet and dark as a person is ever going to find . I have to walk from the car to the cabin in the pitch blackness of the night . Did I mention that there are signs all over this part of the country warning you about the presence of mountain lions ? I was never so glad to get into that cabin and shut the door . Fear . I wish my worst fear was fear of the dark . I guess one good thing about worry and fear is that it tends to push me back towards God . When I find myself in the valleys of life , my heart tends to look harder for the Shepherd . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . Silence - we don 't know very much about it . That is one reason , that each year I take a retreat to the redwood forest . Silence . There is nothing quite so quiet as being the only person for miles , out in the middle of a forest . Silence reminds us that our souls are important . It reminds us that there is something going on in this world besides the crashing noisy input of our society . The great masters of the faith considered the practice of silence to be an important Christian discipline . I thank the Levite for posting in my absense . Most days I had no readily available access to the internet - and I survived ! The noise of life can turn us into something that we don 't want to be . Turn the TV off . Go sit outside for 30 minutes and just sit . Silence is good for the soul . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . I remember leading communion as a youth pastor in Camdenton , Missouri . We had 2 services to break the bread . The first service , I took the loaf , broke it in half , telling the congregation that this was the body of Christ broken for them . The 2nd service I went to reenact the breaking of the same loaf , and the kids decided that it might be fun to fill the already broken loaf with jelly beans . So you can imagine what happened when I went to break bread . This is the body of Christ . . . . . bouncing jellybeans across the alter for you . Let 's just say , I was not filled with laughter at this moment - - - but I do remember it quite clearly . So which service do you attend ? We have 5 of them now at our church on Sunday morning . . . . . soon to be six when the Beacon launches a Saturday night service August 21st . Do you like contemporary , traditional , blended , organic or cutting - edge ? Do you like the preacher to tell great stories or quote from the scriptures ? Do you like the worship leader to energetically lead the choir or band , or do you prefer a more contemplative worship ? And how about the visuals - - - lots of flowers , motion backgrounds , or not ? What about the sound levels and the lights ? Should we pass the offering plates or just put boxes in the back of sanctuary ? And communion , how often , real bread or wafers ? Sometimes I feel that we approach selecting a church or a service to attend the same way we might order off of a menu ( a nice hymn , with a touch of scripture , a great prayer , and an inspiring sermon - - to go please ) But what if our approach was different ? What if we asked how will our service to the Lord be worship ? What will we do , what will we give , how will we show this day that we love the Lord ? Let 's make our worship - - to serve . To rob a quote from JFK : let 's ask not what our church can do for us , but what we can do for the church . So here it is . . . . just showing up on Sunday morning is not enough . . . . I said it . And it hurts . Because I spend a lot of my work preparing for Sunday mornings . Bill Hybels , leader of the WPosted by Psalm 126 " When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion we were like men who dreamed . Our mouths were filled with LAUGHTER , our tongues with songs of joy . Then it was said among the nations , the Lord has done great things for them . The Lord has done great things for us , and we are filled with joy " Jennifer and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary on August 12th . My one piece of advice for every new couple getting married is this - - - be sure and LAUGH together as much as possible . Laughter can get you through a lot of difficult moments . Just don 't laugh at the wrong times . We were driving back on our 1300 mile trip from the East Coast . After a long day of potty breaks , crumbled gold fish crackers , pillow fights in the back seat , not enough clean pacifiers , and a car smelling like 2 days of french fries . Jennifer had been pushed to the limit and broke through the bickering with this phrase " We 're not stopping for diarrhea ! " I looked at her , a little shocked by what had come out of her mouth and then bursted with laughter . When these phrases come up , I like to keep a log of them , and reuse them whenever possible . This was a classic and I won 't be letting go of this anytime soon . So when the 5th child douses himself in powdered sugar and uses a pack of thawed , yet uncooked hot dogs as a teething toy , When the 4th child is collecting a small fortune of smarties in the air vents , the 3rd child is literally climbing the walls , and 1 & 2 are having a disagreement over who is the meanest , then what can you do but laugh . . . It 's more than good medicine . Find somebody you can laugh with . . . . We need more laughter in the church . . . . when 's the last time you laughed until it hurt . . . . . . fill your home with laughter , because there 's enough difficult stuff in this world . In fact , try this : mark down every time that you worry about something today - - - and for every worry that you have - - - find a joke to share with someone . For where there is laughter , there is joy . And if you run out of jokes , ask our pastor . . . . . he 's got some good ones . TPosted by Have you ever had one ? One of those moments that is so pure , so true , so awesome , where you could say that was unmistakably God 's presence . Make no mistake , these are unplanned , spontaneous moments where God steps in . Jeff has been sending me these pictures of the Redwood Forest that clearly display the awesomeness of our God in creation . Our response to seeing the rockies , or the black hills of South Dakota , or the grand canyon , or the birth of a child , is certainly one of awe . But holiness . . . this is me shuttering before my creator and realizing God truly is in this . It 's not an emotion , or a revelation , or an aha moment . This is Zechariah coming out of the temple upon hearing the news of a Savior . . . This is you and me experiencing the forgiveness of sin ( Psalm 130 : 4 ) We live in a time where there is very little that our culture recognizes as sacred anymore . And yet , God has put within us , a need and desire to experience holiness . I invite you to wrestle with the words of this song by Addison Road . Catch a glimpse of His holiness and you will rediscover what it means to fear God . And the fear of God , after all , is the beginning of wisdom . What Do I Know of Holyverse 1I made You promises a thousand times I tried to hear from Heaven But I talked the whole time I think I made You too small I never feared You at all No If You touched my face would I know You ? Looked into my eyes could I behold You ? ( CHORUS ) What do I know of You Who spoke me into motion ? Where have I even stood But the shore along Your ocean ? Are You fire ? Are You fury ? Are You sacred ? Are You beautiful ? What do I know ? What do I know of Holy ? VERSE 2I guess I thought that I had figured You out I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save Those were only empty words on a page Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees Consider God 's holiness today . Make it a great one , the levite David Crowder 's last album that he released was called " Church Music . " If you 're not sure who the David Crowder Band is , you may want to get more familiar with him . He has touched a nerve with many young worshipers by cultivating a new and creative sound that explores reinventing the old and using electronic media and unorthodox instrumentation . Of course church music is changing - - always . For example check out the Michael Gungor band or Matt Papa - - you may be hearing these in church soon . ( Think Coldplay or One Republic ) So what is church music ? We immediately might think about opening the hymnal and turning to page . . . . or we might think of the folk tunes of the early praise and worship movement " Seek Ye First " or of course , the crowning jewel of the praise and worship movement " Lord I Lift Your Name on High . " Do I keep up with the trends - - no way . But I do recognize that when a singer or musician or composer creates something beautiful , or powerful , or mysterious , or when it captures an emotion or truth where words have failed , God is present . When it comes to how we present this in the church , when we have a body of people who obviously have different tastes in music and are moved by different styles . . . . how do we approach selecting music ? I suppose this is my job . I believe that we can begin by finding those songs that capture the heart beat of God , sung in a way that the instrument or the one who delivers the song connects the words in a way that people are allowed to enter into a glimpse of God 's holiness , His eternal and mysterious nature . Southern Gospel : Check out the Isaacs - - this arrangement of " It is well " gets me every timeBlack Gospel : I love the Mississippi Mass Choir - - " I 'm not tired yet . " Choral Music : I got to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir when they came to KC - - it was tremendous . R & B - - Toby Mac has struck a chord with many , I love " City on our Knees " I guess the question that we need to be asking as we prepare church music is simple . And it 's not what style , what singer , what genre , how fast , orPosted by I didn 't grow up a Methodist . I grew up in the First Christian Church in Jefferson City , Missouri . I 've been a part of a Presbyterian Church , a United Church of Christ , and a few others along the way . But I 'm always curious to hear how people define what being a Methodist is about . One guy in our church says - - " they 're not too hot and not too cold , kind of right in the middle . " A lot of people want to define churches as being liberal or conservative , fundamentalist or not . I am thankful to be a part of a church at Woods Chapel whose leaders are more interested in seeing lives transformed for the sake of Christ and His glory , rather than trying to define a " Christian " world view that makes practical sense in our world . Most of what Jesus did , after all , didn 't make sense to his followers . Back to the soup . . . . . if it 's not too hot or not too cold then it 's , well , lukewarm . Francis Chan has some pretty strong words to us who are " lukewarm " Christians - - check out " Crazy Love . " p65 - 81 . This chapter really shook me up because I realized that there is nothing lukewarm about following Jesus and loving Him with ALL our heart , mind , soul , or strength . What does this even look like ? So the mantra in our society is live a " balanced " life - - - " everything in moderation " - - some of us believe this came right out of the scriptures . As someone with an artistic temperament , I have no problem discarding this philosophy . Us artistic types , after all , are a little manic in most things we do . But we only have to look as far as Jesus himself to discover that balance was not a principle that governed His life . Look at the story of the samaritan woman in John 4 , the disciples were concerned with Jesus getting something to eat , Jesus was concerned with this ladies life being transformed . Look at the feeding of the 5 thousand in Luke 9 - - " send them away " say the disciples , " we are tired and there is nothing to eat . " Following Jesus does not require balance , but obedience . Look , there are hard things in our life and some of you might be experiWCC Music Ministries 5 kids brushing their teeth at the same time , in the same bathroom , jockeying for position in the sink . It 's a Sunday night at the Bartman house and we are shutting it down . They are all at different stages of brushing : some have the technique and the spitting , some go for a swipe and a drool , some just open their mouths and scream . By the time you get done , you definitely have a mess , large clumps of toothpaste , and one left by the sink dumping water back and forth in two 2 inch cups . A short story , a prayer , and the magic hour is over . This is our life and day by day we are learning when we need to encourage , when we need to be silent , and when we need to correct . So we are overwhelmed , but it is quiet , and we 'll do it again tomorrow . So I 've been asking the question a lot lately , and so I give it to you this morning : how are you starting and how are you finishing ? Are you running the race to win the prize , or are you counting the seconds until the next . . . game , meal , test , paycheck . Okay , so I don 't like the big messes , or the noise , or the whining , but when I stop and consider that God has given us this moment then my response is worship . Yes , worship . Thank you God for giving us this opportunity to see large clumps of orange toothpaste in the sink . Oh yes . . . . . . and a life verse from me James 4 : 17 . . . . . check it outthe levite How do you define a friend . They are just a call away . They stand beside you . They laugh with you . They cry with you . When everyone else has given up on you , your friends are still there . When you are at the end of your rope , your friends sit with you and console you . What a friend we have in Jesus , all our sins and griefs to bear . Can we find a friend so faithful , who will all our sorrows share . If you feel alone today , he awaits . If you have come to the end of yourself , he beckons you to come to him . He is that friend that sticks closer than a brother . He is just a call away . It 's a beautiful day in God 's world , be sure to see the good . This blog is the occasional ramblings of Jeff Brinkman , a semi - retired United Methodist Pastor . When Jeff cannot post , some of his buds take over . This blog may or may not inspire , may or may not be humorous , but will always be honest . This blog is Jeff 's attempt to remind himself and others that God is greater than anything , and if we just look hard enough , we can see the good in life , and if we slow down and listen , we can hear the birds sing .

Uncategorized , Whether your school is already out for the summer and you 're in relaxation mode or you 're heading into the final few days , I have a feeling you 're ready for some comic relief . I love to read the funny things that kids say and do . Here are some of my favorites from this page of hilarious kid stories I 've compiled over the years along with some pictures of funny things teachers have encountered when grading student work : At the school where I taught previously , students would line up on the blacktop before the morning bell . I would pick them up and we would walk together to the classroom . There was , of course , a no - talking rule in the hallway and I would often tell them , " If it doesn 't involve fire , blood , or throwing up , save it until we get to the classroom . " Well , one morning " M " kept saying , " Mrs . T , Mrs . T , I have to tell you something . I asked , " Does it involve , blood , fire , or throwing up ? " " No " , he replied . But he kept saying , " Mrs . T , Mrs . T " . Finally , exasperated , I turn to him and ask gruffly , " WHAT ? " He says , " I saw a pirate movie . " There 's a moment of silence as I stand and stare at him . And , with perfect comedic timing , he says , " It was rated RRRRR ! " This is my favorite kindergarten moment ever . A child was upset because her cat had died . I told her how sorry I was , and went on to tell her that I used to have a cat , and was sad when I had to find a home for her because my husband was allergic to cats . She looked at me in shock and questioned , " You 're married ? ' When I replied that I was indeed married , she continued … " I know what you did on your wedding day . " I was afraid to ask , but went ahead . She replied , " You ate cake ! " One day it was getting close to recess and I had a few kids off task . I reminded them that before we could go outside there were certain things that needed to be done and , just for emphasis , I held up my plan book and pointed to the day 's agenda . One little boy 's eyes widened in surprise and he blurted out , " Omigod ! You mean you write this stuff down ? ! " One moment happened several years ago when I taught grade one . Each primary class had received one of those colorful carpets with the seven continents on it . Well , day 2 of having this carpet , Andre got very sick , and threw up . When his dad came to take him home , Andre proudly says , " Daddy , I threw up all over North America AND South America ! " 0 Comments Juliana June 6 , 2013 Just posted this status on my Facebook from today ( our last day of school ) … So many favorite moments from today including having a dance party while cleaning the classroom with my students . But the best moment of all included the clear innocence of 7 year old children … We were standing outside waiting for lunch when my kiddos pointed out 2 birds that came out from their next in the pipes above . One bird kept jumping on top of the other bird and " ahem - ing . " I could only internally freak out hoping my kiddos wouldn 't understand when one student says , " awe … they 're playing hop skotch . " Awesome . Hop skotch it is from now on . Reply → Kaylon June 6 , 2013 I found a live mouse in my desk drawer one afternoon after school . I made the mistake of telling my students about it and what my reaction was . Well , it was on then . I came into the classroom a few days later and a student had left a rose on my desk for Valentine 's Day . I " ooed " and " ahhed " over it and turned it over to see if there was a card showing who it was from . Well , there wasn 't , but there was a paper mouse inside the bouquet ! ! I laughed and laughed and when I found out who did it , I was astonished . The quietist , most introverted girl in my class had done it ! When I looked at her , she was sitting there with a big grin on her face . Well , for a few weeks after that , I would find " mice " everywhere - in a stack of papers ; on my desk chair ; even tiny ones on my phone . I stapled all of them to my cork strip above my white board until we had amassed over 40 . On the last day of school we took them down and divided them among the class . This year was certainly the " Year of the Mouse " ! Reply → Jennifer June 6 , 2013 I have a pretty strict rule during writing time we are not talking because we are thinking . Well during this time one of my girl students had to use the restroom . The class was unusually quiet that you could hear a pin drop . At that time the girl in the restroom started singing , she was in there for a pretty long time . I could hear some of the students quietly asking their neighbor who is that . Out of the corner of my eye I saw them looking at me and my reaction . I knew the kids wanted to laugh and I couldn 't help but have a huge smile on my face . The whole class burst into laughter . Only seconds later did the girl open the bathroom door with a look of wonder and confusion as to why we were laughing . I asked her if she was trying out for American Idol . She was very clueless that we could hear every note she sang . Reply → Angela Watson June 6 , 2013 This happened to my students soooo many times ! You 'd think they 'd learn after hearing their classmates sing , but nope ! LOL ! Reply → Nathan Tackett June 6 , 2013 A few years ago , I was assisting a female student with determining what she wanted to do with her future . She informed me that she wanted to go into politics . I told her she needed to research Hillary Clinton , because , at the time , she had been Secretary of State for two years , not to mention her other political accomplishments . The young lady replied " Who 's that ? " I said " Well , she is our Secretary of State . " The young lady grew frustrated and quipped back " I said I wanted to go into politics ; I don 't want to work in an office as someone 's secretary . " Reply → Mindi June 6 , 2013 This happened a few years ago . I was teaching K and 1 / 3 of the the class was Chinese while at least another 1 / 3 was Korean . They spent a lot of time talking about this together . We were doing a " write and color the letter " page , and one of my little guys came up and said , " What do we do when we 're finished writing the letter ? " I told him ( again ) to color it in crayon . He went back to his seat for a minute then came back . He looked very sad . I asked what was wrong . He answered , " I 'm Chinese . I can 't color it in Korean . " I managed to say " CRAYON , not Korean " before leaving the room for a second so I could laugh . Reply → Beth Bo . June 6 , 2013 I love writing about the funny moments . That 's most of the reason that I keep a blog ! 🙂 I 'm including a link to one of my favorites . You just have to see the picture to get the full impact . http : / / botheras . blogspot . com / b / post - preview ? token = W - jbHT8BAAA . sqOwUvlyzY2MLAOiei31iw . VkYKVp4UNX2wbasY2PvVcw & postId = 3573980497458419278 & type = POST Reply → Molly June 6 , 2013 I was in a 5th grade social studies class , supporting some of my lower learning support students . They were learning about the branches of government . One girl did know who the president was so I asked her if she knew where he lived . She said , " Oh yeah , he lives by the water in the light house . " Reply → Shelly Wood June 6 , 2013 I took a position as a teachers assistant in a pre - k classroom , while working on my EC degree . It was my first classroom experience , other than occasionally volunteering at the early childhood center . As part of my orientation , I received specialized training for a young girl who suffered from seizures . Honestly , at the time , I was a bit apprehensive at the thought of dealing with such an occurrence . One day , we 'd prepared a " spider " cookie for snack , with red hots for eyes , 8 pretzel legs , and wafer cookies as the body . The teacher stepped out of the classroom for just a moment and I was alone with the class . I noticed the little girl began to tremble , a bit of what looked like blood , trickled from her nose and her eyes rolled upward , into the back of her head . IMMEDIATELY , I went into action , following protocol for a seizure . I called for help … . The principal , two paras , and several staff rushed to my aid . As my colleagues entered the room , our little friend SNEEZED and out shot the two red hots from her nose . She looked at me , smiled , and innocently reported , " Those were HOT ! " I 've never heard the end of it ! I did , however , become a pre - k teacher in the same district a few of years later ! Reply → Shibahn Landry June 6 , 2013 My first year of teaching I had my students sitting on the floor . As I was getting something from my desk to join them , I could hear my kiddos ( second graders ) having a debate . On my age . Some of them asked me out right how old I was . I simply responded old enough . Well the debate continued . Finally one student said , " Well she 's married so she 's gotta be 30 ! " That saisfied the rest of them and I couldn 't help but giggle ! Reply → Jen C June 6 , 2013 I have so many it is hard to choose ! Here is a good one . . a student came to me saying another student had taken something of his . When I asked her , she admitted to taking it and was hoping to take it home . I explained that it was wrong to take something that didn 't belong to her and after returning the item I asked her to write an apology note . It read " I guess what I 've learned my whole life is wrong . It 's not really finders keepers . " My teaching name is Mrs . Bodily . I found a cute little red heart on my desk from a student to day that has " I love you " written on one side and my name on the other . The problem is that whomever wrote it misspelled ' Bodily ' by putting in an extra ' o ' and reversing the 'd ' . I have shed a few tears this morning * so maybe that student noticed . . . Then , EPIC FAILED SCIENCE EXPERIENCE : We have been studying Life Cycles and have completed all the requisite work involved in having Painted Lady Butterflies morph from larva in our room over the past few weeks . We went outside this morning to set them free , and it started out beautifully . The children oooo - ed and aaaaah - ed appropriately when one climbed onto my finger as I reached into the netted container . I raised my hand upwards and after a few majestic moments of wing - flapping , it took flight . It was beautiful ! And then . . . You see , I knew that out of the eight butterflies that made it out of their shells , four had become stuck in the fruit / juice that I had placed in their temporary habitat - just as the booklet instructed - and had not survived their gluttony . This , fortunately , had not been noticed by the students . When we went outside to release them I purposely went to the edge of the playground where a fence borders a weed infested empty lot so I could " release " those special ones into the weeds without fanfare . After the bird incident , I realized I was down to just a couple more to divert their attention . . . So I quickly attempted a second release a little closer to the fence - away from the giant winged butterfly hunter . That was successful so I went for the third and before I even got my arm above my head , another bird swooped in and took that one ! By now the kids were near hysterical , so I cut my losses and dumped the remaining contents of our butterfly home and told the kids to run a lap . We called it recess and went back inside . Not sure if I 'll try that one again next year . . . Reply → M Tangen June 6 , 2013 I taught in a one room , multi grade school with an attached teacherage for a few years . All my students were farm / ranch kids and had an idea of reproduction , however nothing prepared me for what was to come out ot the mouth of the babe ! I have two dachshunds that were often in the classroom with us . One male one female . The kids asked me quite often if there were going to be puppies . I had always told them , not until my female was older . One day as I was teaching a subject to my two older students , my Kindergartners and 1st graders were having a discussion about whether or not my dog was going to have puppies . I hear this little kindergarten voice say " Miss Tangen , does Sheppy have nuts " The older student I was standing next to made a bee line for the bathroom to laugh and without missing a beat I said " Yes he does , just like you have to have a bull to get a calf " Nothing more was said and they went back to work and on to another topic at their table . It was all I could do to compose myself ! This was a few years back and I can still hear that sweet little voice ask the most innocent of questions that still makes me laugh ! Reply → Kim G . June 7 , 2013 One day while I was walking down the hall in our school I ended up walking next to a line of kindergartners who were heading to their music class . One little girl grabbed my hand and looked up at me with big sparkling blue eyes and a giant grin . As we walked along she said , " Do you know what ? Someday I 'm going to be just like you ! " I smiled back and said , " Oh really ? So you want to be a teacher when you grow up ? " She replied with a wrinkled up nose , " No way ! I don 't really like school all that much . But , I AM going to have shoes like you that make that CLICK , CLICK , CLICK noise when I walk ! " Reply → Blair June 7 , 2013 I was in my first year of teaching 1st grade in South Carolina . My students had been learning about the solar system . We had made a paper mache solar system in the class and researched all of the planets . They really knew their stuff ! On one of our last days , we were completing our KWL chart and the students had listed facts about all of the planets . They named the planets that the facts described . However , they could not remember Uranus . I kept probing , and they would give more facts about the planet . They simply couldn 't remember the planet 's name . After some time , a little boy raised his hand . It was as if the Heavens had parted and all of the sun 's light was streaming down onto this beautiful child 's face ! I was so excited ! I looked at the boy and said , " Yes , Jonathan ( not his real name ) , and he looked me in the eye and excitedly yelled " Uterus ! " I have never laughed so hard about anything in school before or since ! Reply → Angela Watson June 7 , 2013 You guys are cracking me up ! I LOVE these ! Thank you so much for taking the time to type them out for us ! Reply → Kaci June 7 , 2013 It was during the first few weeks of preschool and it was my first year of teaching . Ihad brought my kids back to our building after lunch and asked if anyone needed to use the bathroom . No one answered so I said " Okay , if you don 't need to go to the bathroom line up by the railing . If you do need to go to the bathroom , go over here next to the wall . " They lined up accordingly and I sent the ones against the rail to the playground with the other class . I turned to send the rest of them to the bathroom and noticed one of the boys was turned unbuttoning his pants and trying to pee on the wall ! I had to quickly stop him and rush him into the building and my aide and I have joked about it ever since . Reply → Wren June 8 , 2013 The day before pajama day in our class I was reminding my students that the next day would be a special day . I told them that tomorrow was pajama day and that we didn 't even have to get dressed in the morning , we could just roll out of bed and come right to school in our pajamas ! One little boy says , " I don 't like pajamas Miss Wren , I sleep in my underwear ! " I said , " Oh my stars ! Do not come to school in your underwear - only wear your pajamas ! " The next morning another little boys mother tells me of the difficulty she had getting her son dressed in a fresh pair of pajamas for school , because he was refusing to put on his underwear ! She asked her son why he wouldn 't put on his underwear and he told her Miss Wren said not to wear underwear to school ! Reply → Kristina June 10 , 2013 My 5th graders were abusing their bathroom privileges so I started charging for bathroom trips using our classroom economy ( students get tickets for behavior , certain assignments and jobs ) . Well , my class did not like that one bit . At the end of class the next day as we were getting our things together , one student blurted out " Free the pee ! Free the pee ! " . It was such a great slogan that it immediately caught on and the entire class started chanting it . I had to laugh so hard , as it really is a great slogan . Reply → Nicole June 10 , 2013 To build background for a story we were reading , my class and I were discussing different holidays and the reasons we celebrate them . With Easter nearby , my class decided to have a discussion about it . After one student finished explaining that we celebrate Easter because that 's the day Jesus rose from the dead , another one of my students ( with a serious look on her face ) replies , " Wouldn 't that make him a zombie ? " Reply → Laura August 7 , 2013 I had a student once ask me " Are teachers smarter than regular adults ? " I tried as hard as I could not to laugh and said of course we are ! I promptly wrote it down on a post - it and it has been on my computer monitor for the last 4 years in case I am having a bad day and need a good laugh . Reply → Bree Spivey January 18 , 2015 I was teaching 3rd grade social studies and we were learning about the civil war in SC . I had them recording their time line of the civil war and one of my students was so excited to let me hear his . I put the head phones on and I heard him say … " AND THEN SOUTH CAROLINA SECEDED FROM THE ONION ( union ) ! " I couldn 't stop laughing . This was my same child who also went into the cafeteria to get his salad . The woman gave him french dressing and he looked at her and said , " I don 't want french dressing . I like the English kind . " ( Ranch ) Everyday was full of laughs that year !

I wanted to use this race as a long run , and also as a trial run practicing the pace . All along I have been saying I wanted to break 3 : 30 for my next marathon . But lately I have been reevaluating my goal . Since I have been training so hard and so long , I decided that maybe a 3 : 25 could be doable . This race was relatively small , but very well organized . The course was fun to run because it was in a very familiar area - right next to my office ! ! Parts of the run were on trails that I often use for my lunch time runs , so I knew what to expect . Although there were some big hills along the way , it wasn 't anything crazy . The water stops were well spread out and had a ton of volunteers helping at each . And even though 3 / 4 of the race was on the Indian Creek Trail , it never felt too congested . I tried to keep a 7 : 45 pace going for most of the race . I kept reminding myself that this race was a practice and that I had no reason to kill myself . When I would speed up to a pace that started feeling uncomfortable , I would quickly rein myself back in . The goal was to be able to talk the entire time , which I practiced by telling all the runners " Good Job ! " when I passed them . I also wanted to ensure I had minimal leg burn , so I knew I wasn 't pushing too hard . Sure , some of the hills hurt but nothing felt like something I couldn 't have continued after crossing the finish line . Do I think I could 've doubled this run yesterday and kept going at the same pace ? No . But do I think I could with the proper taper and nutrition ? Yep . This race was a great confidence boost for me . I had a really hard week of training last week , ate terrible the night before ( mexican and margs ! ) , but still felt great . It amazed me how easy this pace could feel , even though it sounds so scary . Week 9 was another rough week . I had my worst run of training , and my first real mental breakdown . But I just kept reminding myself , " What doesn 't kill you makes you stronger " . Tuesday - 6 miles at a SLOW pace . This was possibly the worst run of my marathon training … . was supposed to do 4 x 1600 , all I could do was 2 x 1600 ( 6 : 44 and 6 : 55 ) and 1 x 800 ( 3 : 28 ) . I hate running in the evening , but had to due to tstorms in the AM . Friday - 20 miles at 8 : 45 pace . I did my long run on a Friday due to a very busy weekend schedule . I ran with my friend Emily and we were both feeling a little beat up and discouraged by our training . We were glad to see this run go smoothly , and we both felt 100 times better . The course we ran was super hilly as well , so that made us feel better too ! ! Saturday - 5 . 5 miles at 7 : 40 pace . Ran this with Stacy and Kerry , who were in the middle of their 20 miler . Surprised by how fast they were running , but it was good for me ! Sunday - 2 . 5 miles of stairs and hills . I wanted to try out stair running . It was pretty darn hard but we had some fun while doing it ! ! And let me tell you - I have recently become very " bored " with my marathon training . The long runs are exhausting . The 4am alarm clocks are tiring . And the schedule I must adhere to is overwhelming . I am so over marathon training , that I am starting to loathe it . I want race day to be here so freaking bad , and yesterday marked four weeks from the New York City Marathon . I am starting to panic that I might not be able to make it another month of these hard runs and early mornings . And that I might lose my drive and determination that I had going 2 months ago . The first part of my training was awesome . I was running like a rock star , and breaking all my previous training PR 's . I felt like I was on cloud nine and could go out and run a 6 : 45 pace whenever the heck I wanted . But now ? It is a totally different story . The last two weeks have been full of semi - disappointing runs . They feel so hard , and I feel so tired . Last week I had to QUIT a speed session halfway through . I NEVER quit my training runs , so this was not an easy pill to swallow . Although I have started to feel a bit better the last couple days , I am still not back to " me " , and I am freaking out that I don 't know how to get back there , and that I won 't get back there to break a 3 : 30 marathon . Monday - 6 miles easy , 8 : 23 pace . Ran during my lunch break at work . Made for a beautiful looking Ali the rest of the day . Tuesday - 7 miles with tempo , 8 : 11 pace . 2 mile warm up , 3 mi tempo : 7 : 19 , 6 : 57 , 6 : 45 , 2 mile cool down . Tired morning but a good run overall . Thursday - 8 miles with mile repeats on the track . 1 mile warm up , 4 x 1 mile repeats : 6 : 47 , 6 : 28 , 6 : 25 , 6 : 21 . 3 mile cool down . Felt great on this run and totally on fire . Thursday - 9 miles with tempo , 8 : 46 pace . 2 mile warm up , 2 at tempo : 7 : 30 , 7 : 20 , 2 miles easy , 1 mile tempo ( should 've been 2 ) : 7 : 30 , 2 miles cool down . I try not to make excuses , but I have some for this workout … here they are : It was HOT , I was TIRED , my legs are SORE , the route was HILLY . Overall this was a hard week of training . I had a very stressful work week , and did not get near enough sleep . I was also struggling with dead legs and humidity on some of the important runs . This post is very difficult to write , and one that I am not excited to be writing . It will most likely be lengthy and filled with emotions . So saddle up , readers … hope you 're ready for this bumpy ride ! Well , those plans changed . Following a very delayed flight , and changing flights 3 times , I finally made it to Chicago at 4pm in the afternoon ( Diana and her husband were there at 10am , in case you were wondering ) . I arrived at the hotel in Schaumburg , IL just in time to leave for dinner . I was raging , and ready to punch someone ( preferably an American Airlines worker ) . But I made it . We were all so positive , and so upbeat about the race . We KNEW things were going to work out . It wasn 't an option for them not to . I got back to my room , and got in bed . I was happy and excited . I had really good feelings about our race , and the 26 . 2 miles we faced in the morning . I wasn 't worried about the weather , and the fact that it was supposed to be unseasonably warm . It was all good … and it would all work out . Because as I said earlier - it had to . I shot out of bed at 5 : 45am on Sunday . I was ready to run . After getting myself prepared and compiling my gear , I walked down to Diana 's room . Diana was nervous , but excited as well . The weather was on TV in her room . I saw that it was already 70 degrees at 6 : 15am . I slightly panicked , and then shut off the TV . I told them there was NO reason to watch . We could not control the weather , but we could control our bodies ( so we thought … ) . Our next stop was the starting line . We headed outside and got in the car . I sarcastically yelled , " OMG it is so chilly out here ! ! ! Why didn 't I bring my sweater ? ? ? " . Truth was , it was very warm . But we refused to acknowledge it . Following a photo shoot , we got to the start . We were so excited and nervous , but we were ready . This race was going to be our race today . No doubt about it . We crossed the starting line , and hit our watches . Mile 1 was a warm up mile to get our bodies ready . We would let people pass us , but we would see them again soon once we were in the groove . The temperature at the start : 76 degrees . The first few miles went by pretty fast . But one thing was clear : it was HOT . I had sweat dripping down my face 2 miles in . I am not a big sweater ( and besides … girls glow ) , so I knew this wasn 't a good sign for the 24 . 2 miles to go . But I ignored it . Around mile 10 Diana said to me , " Ali , I am so hot . Why is it so hot today ? " I replied , " Di , I know it is hot , but we have to deal with it . We have to fight through . We can beat it " . Then we saw Lee , who handed us ice cold bandanas to wrap around our necks . These felt amazing and were finally a relief from the warm weather . We continued to take water at every water stop , and tried our hardest to get fluids in our bodies . We were doing everything right . But the heat was quickly getting to us . And there was very little relief from the sun beating down on us . The halfway point in this race was brutal . We had to run next to to the 13 . 1 finish line , and keep going to do it all over again ( A few weeks before the race , the course was changed . Due to the course change , we would be running a two loop marathon . I am going to throw it out there now that two loop marathons should be illegal ) . Diana was becoming very overheated , and dizzy . I grabbed us two bottles of water and opened one for her . We stopped , and I ordered her to drink . Between the two of us we drank two bottles of water in about 2 minutes . We started running again , and I was able to grab another bottle of water from Lee . I kept forcing Diana to drink more while we were running , as well as myself . I was worried about her . In all of training runs and hard workouts , I had never seen her in this state . By mile 15 , we faced the realization that a Boston Qualifying time would not be happening today . Realizing this was heartbreaking . And having to admit it out loud was even worse . We had worked so hard , and Diana deserved that BQ so much . It just wasn 't fair . On another note - this course totally sucked . We had to share this tiny little path with bikers and recreational runners / walker / children . It was ridiculous ! ! ! I never imagined that I would make it a goal of mine to finish a race . I was stupid to think it would never be something I had to solely work towards . I may have a gift and natural ability , but that doesn 't mean a marathon finish will always come easy ( and boy did I realize this during the race ) . No one is entitled to always have a finish . And I will never forget that . Around mile 17 , Diana was feeling 100 times better , and I was feeling 100 times worse . My legs were cramping with the worst leg cramps I had ever experienced . I was so hot , my asthma was terrible and I felt like my body wouldn 't work anymore . I kept making Diana stop so I could stretch out my calves . I urged her to go on without me , but like a true friend - she stayed by my side . When my watch beeped mile 18 , Diana asked which mile we had completed . I replied with 18 , and she responded with , " Shit … the race hasn 't even started yet ! ! ! ! " . Every marathoner has it drilled into their head that the race starts at mile 20 . And we had nothing to do but laugh when we thought about that phrase . Our race started at mile 1 . No doubt about that ! ! ! Mile 23 came , and I started to have a complete meltdown . I made us stop once again , and I started crying . Running is my " thing " . It 's my constant in life . Running is always there for me . Running I can always do . Life might throw me curve balls ( and I have received way too many lately ) , and I deal with it by running . But during this race , running threw me a curve ball too . And I wasn 't handling it well . Finally we saw the finish , and it was the most excited I had ever been to see a finish line . We pumped our legs as hard as we could , and got our bodies across . We smiled through the heartbreak of our missed goal , and managed to take a pretty darn good picture to cap off the race . Although we were happy to be done with the race , we were very upset . We hobbled over to a curb and sat down . We drank more water ( I swear I drank at least two gallons of water in a 4 hour period ) , and took a moment to just sit and reflect . I got out my phone and was floored by all of the sweet messages from friends and family . Everyone is so thoughtful , and I am beyond thankful . I then checked the weather . It was 88 degrees . 88 degrees is hot if you are walking outside . We were running a MARATHON . No wonder we were dying . It turns out that only 102 women and 154 men finished the marathon . This was significantly lower than the number that signed up . Many runners opted for the half marathon due to the heat . The best way to describe the way I was feeling is mad . I was so mad that the weather sucked . I was mad that I watched Diana put months of training into this race and it didn 't work out . I was mad that we lost control of our race due to the heat . And I was mad that I totally blew up the second half and felt like I held Diana back from running faster ( Di , I know you are reading this yelling at me right now ! ) . We headed back to the hotel and got showered and packed up . Then we checked out and went to lunch . Chicago pizza hit the spot , and the huge beer was even tastier . Although we were feeling blue , we were keeping our heads up . Diana was staying so positive , even though she was sad . We finished off the weekend with more awful traveling . After two cancelled flights , we checked ourselves into a Holiday Inn at 2am , and got about 5 hours of sleep before we had to go back to the airport and try it all again ( American Airlines , I HATE YOU ! ! ! ! ! ) . By the way , when you are sad , tired and physically feel awful , the airport is the last place you want to spend 8 hours of your life . By Sunday night I was snapping at anyone who looked at me the wrong way . After I finally made it home on Monday afternoon , I was still upset , and Diana was too . It made us sick that the Chicago weather on Monday morning was 50 's with overcast skies - near perfect weather for a marathon . In all of our efforts to find good out of the weekend , we simply couldn 't . There was no positive spin to put on the race . Everything about it sucked . Although I should be celebrating my 2nd marathon finish , I continue to be saddened by the thought of a missed goal . And mostly , I am sad for Diana . She deserves that BQ . She worked so damn hard . It just isn 't fair . My body is quickly recovering , but my mind and soul are not . After my first marathon , I was on a high for days . Since this one ended , I have been at quite a low . Each day gets easier , but I still don 't understand why things worked out the way they did . Why did the weather have to be so outrageous ? Why did they have to change the course ? And why did months of training have to go to waste like that ? ? If you know the answers to any of these things , please let me know . First of all , I would like everyone to know that I should be in Chicago right now , relaxing in my hotel . But I 'm not . I am sitting in the airport in Kansas City waiting for my flight , after my first flight was 8 hours delayed . I might have had a tiny meltdown ( ok , like 6 huge meltdowns ) already and threatened multiple ticketing agents . They don 't think running a marathon is as big of a deal as I do . How dare them . Ali : " You don 't understand . I need to be in Chicago TODAY . THIS MORNING . I have to do stride outs and hydrate and prepare for my MARATHON . " Have you ever seen those articles in US Weekly , where they go through a celebrities bag ? Well , I thought it would be fun to show you what is in my bag when I travel for a race ! Here we go ! Pre - Race : I drank and drank and drank in the days leading up to this race . I was trying to be as hydrated as possible . My secret to staying hydrated and drinking as much as possible is my camelback water bottle . I have the kind with the straw , it is a life saver . Thank you # ET11 for giving me that bottle . Pre - Race , Morning : I had a half a cup of coffee before the race . I always do this and think the caffiene helps . Then I sipped on a bottle of water up until the start , probably about 10 oz total . During Race : The marathon course had approximatley 23 water stops . I stopped for water or Gatorade at 2o of these water stops ( switched off at each one ) . The only ones I skipped were 1 , 9 and 25 . Hydrating during the race is VERY important in my opinion . Even if you are not thirsty , you should still force the water . You will need it eventually . Pre - Race : I ate pretty healthy the day before the race . I was not about to be adventurous and try something crazy . For dinner I had pasta and bread , with a couple bites of chicken off my Mom 's plate . Pre - Race , Morning : Before the race I had a peanut butter Zone bar . Unlike the RnRSTL race , I actually ate the entire thing this time . That made a difference . During Race : I packed my pockets full of Vanilla GU for my race fuel . I had a GU at miles 8 , 13 , 18 and 23 . I believe if you properly fuel , you can prevent yourself from crashing . During Race : This was the first time I have ever had to take my inhaler while running . I needed it though , and I needed it bad . I really struggled getting it out of my pocket while running due to frozen hands , but finally did . At mile 22 , I took about 4 more puffs of the inhaler . The inhaler was cold though , so I didn 't get all the meds I needed . But hey , I survived ! Aquafor and unscented deodorant were my BFF 's on race day . Running in the rain meant chaffing would be highly likely . I rubbed this stuff all over my feet , legs , arms and sports bra lines . It did the trick ! I only came out of the race with one tiny blister and one scrape on my leg . I wore my Brooks Ghosts on race day , I love those shoes . The socks I wore were purchased at the expo and were super duper cute . They were pink and even had a little runner girl on the top . I knew I needed to run in a dry fit sock so they didn 't soak up the rain as cotton socks would . This was a very good decision . The bottom half : My Lululemon capri pants are the best things ever . And they are cute . I am obsessed and in love with these pants . I would suggest everyone to invest in a pair . They also had pockets big enough to hold 4 GU 's and an inhaler . Pretty amazing . The top half : I wore my favorite Lululemon sports bra top under my long sleeve shirt . This thing is snug as a bug and so comfy . It is also very supportive , therefore I don 't have to wear two sportsbras . And that meant one less layer that would get soaked on race day . Over the sports bra top was my lilac Lululemon top . I never planned on wearing this top , but I am SO glad that I packed it . Out of everything I had , this top reacted the best to the water and was really amazing during the race . It has thumb holes and another pocket for added convienence . And the best part about the top are the ruffles on it ! It is so stinking cute ! My hands : I started the race in pretty rainbow cotton gloves . Well after spilling on myself at water stations and getting soaked in rain , my hands were freezing . When I saw my Mom at 15 I stole my Nike dry fit gloves off her hands . They were amazing . So , do you have any questions about these items ? Or do you have any suggestions for future races ? I always love to hear what other runners do , so please share ! Ever since I started tapering , I have not been feeling well about the race . I feel like my mind is off . And I feel like my body is off . My legs feel weird . So weird that I actually considered placing a ' Wanted ' add for a new left leg . Maybe while I am at it I should place a ' Wanted ' add for a new mindset as well . I keep hearing from people that these feelings , both mental and physical , are " normal " . Even if they are " normal " , I need to shake them ASAP . I cannot go into the race with this mentality . Whew , so there we go - those are my feelings right now . And writing these feelings down actually did help a bit . If you know of any other things that might help me , please pass them along . I don 't know what my deal is , but I need some encouragement right now . This week will be one of rest , relaxation and preparation . I will be doing everything I can to take care of myself and be properly prepared for the race . I will eat healthy and hydrate till I can 't possibly drink anymore water . I will also try my hardest not to wear heals to work to save my legs as much as I can !

Three Meme1 . Things that scare you : - Un - informed Americans - Liberals - Al Gore2 . People that make me laugh : - My husband - Jackie Vernoy McCobb - Mike Leonard3 . Things I hate the most : - Allowance of whining - Abortion - Failing to do what is right4 . Things I don 't understand : - How a mother can abandon her children - Rosie O ' Donnell - Doctors who perform abortions5 . Things I 'm doing right now : - Blogging - IMing with Rita - Listening to Shane coughing while watching " Lord of the Rings 3 " 6 . Things I want to do before I die : - Lose weight - Finish and keep up with my scrapbooking - See my boys marry and give me grandbabies ! 7 . Things I can do : - Sing - Handle details - BLOG ! 8 . Ways to describe my personality : - Somewhat outgoing - Lacking in self confidence - Lover of laughter9 . Things I cannot do : - Keep my home as neat and clean as I want to - Math - Stand for too long a time10 . Things I think you should listen to : - - God 's Holy Word - Your Husband of Father - Godly music11 . Things you should not listen to : - Whining , critical Christians - Rap music - Complainers12 . Things I 'd like to learn : - To keep my mouth shut - To use Power Point - How to accomplish more each day13 . Favorite foods : - Grilled Steak and onions w / baked potato - Philly Steak and Cheese sub - Chocolate14 . Beverages I drink regularly : - water - coffee - Crystal Light Peach Tea15 . Shows I watched as a kid : - Gilligan 's Island - The Flintstones - Daniel Boone16 . Three persons to tag : - Josh Rios - Shane Rios - Ashley Leonard I realize not every one should home school . I also realize it is the best option for my family and goes hand in hand with my convictions about numerous things . I believe most problems in public school could be banished if we would use God 's Word as our standard and authority . When will Americans learn that just throwing money into the system doesn 't fix it ! Also , if all parents could get on board 100 % and be " hands - on " with their own children , what a difference we could see ! I have aunts , uncles , cousins who teach in public school and do phenomenal jobs ! They have all my respect ! I know they truly care for their students and become heartbroken over certain cases . I realize their jobs are not easy and have gotten more complicated over the years due to bureaucracies and political correctness . I also attended public school Kindergarten through 5th grade . I remember with fondness certain teachers who were very kind and encouraging , but I also have many negative memories ! I can remember crying for certain children who were labeled and picked on . I also remember feeling so lost at times . I happened to be a well behaved child ( believe it or not ! ) and many times I seemed to have been looked over or neglected . I can remember days of craving a kind word or a moment of time , just an ounce of encouragement from my very busy teacher . Something in my last post and in the comments left for me caused me to take a walk down memory lane . Let 's see if I can name my teachers ! Kindergarten , Mrs . Hiss ( I remember she had a fairy 's wand that was all sparkly , which she would use to tap us after nap time , thus giving us permission to get up and put away our blankets . ) First Grade , Mrs . Groble ( I remember making hand prints out or plaster of paris in her class . ) Second Grade , Mrs . Moore , Mrs . Bradfield ( I started the year at Toddy Thomas Elementary school with Mrs . Moore as my teacher . I can 't really remember her since I don 't have a class photo . After first quarter , we moved and I was required to change schools . I started attending South FortunPosted by I trust you are having a wonderful Sunday ! " Verily , verily , I say unto you , He that believeth on me , the works that I do shall he do also ; and greater works than these shall he do ; because I go unto my Father . " ( John 14 : 12 ) When someone attains a measure of success in the public spotlight , what words do you normally hear them say when they are interviewed ? That person usually says , " Because my ______________ ( fill in the blank - grandmother , mother , father , sister , friend , whoever ) believed in me , I was able to accomplish what I 've done . " Amazingly , one person 's faith in another person 's ability inspires great achievement . Christ demonstrated this fact when He chose Peter as a disciple . Recognizing his potential ( Matthew 16 : 16 - 20 ) , Jesus challenged Peter to follow Him . After Christ 's death and resurrection , the Lord 's words about Peter were fulfilled when the Holy Spirit transformed his life at the day of Pentecost . Even though Peter was uneducated and untrained , his confidence and willingness to die for the sake of the Gospel amazed the elders , rulers , and scribes . ( Acts 4 : 13 - 14 ) Because Christ patiently loved and encouraged Peter , he was able to perform miracles and change the world with the message of Jesus ' love and forgiveness . Does this same underlying principal lie at the root of every homeschooler 's success ? What else could account for the incredible results in academic success in homeschooled children when most homeschooling parents only have a high school education or less ? Apparently , learning is only part of the equation in a child 's ability to achieve great things ; the other part lies within a loving parent 's heart . When you see God 's potential within your child and then encourage him while he reaches out to obtain it , you 'll be amazed at what your child achieves too . Lord , Forgive me for limiting my child because of my unbelief in his abilities . Help me inspire him to greatness by believing in who and what You 've created him to be . In Jesus ' name , Amen . THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDENAn old Italian man lived alone in the country . He wanted to dig his tomato garden , but it was very hard work as the ground was hard . His only son , Vincent , who used to help him , was in prison . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament . Dear Vincent , I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won 't be able to plant my tomato garden this year . I 'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot . I know if you were here my troubles would be over . I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me . Love , Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son . Dear Dad , Don 't dig up that garden . That 's where I buried the bodies . Love , Vinnie At 4 a . m . the next morning , FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies . They apologized to the old man and left . That same day the old man received another letter from his son . Dear Dad , Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now . That 's the best I could do under the circumstances . Love you , Vinnie Ciao LosersIf Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is right , nearly 60 percent of Americans agree with him that the war in Iraq is already lost . And if he is correct in saying that losing the war will increase Democrat majorities in future elections , then it may be fair to conclude that Americans now love losers . I 'm not buying any of it - - and neither are the troops who are fighting this war . In the days since Reid announced " this war is lost , " I have heard from dozens of the soldiers , sailors , airmen , Guardsmen and Marines . To read the entire article , click here . http : / / www . gopusa . com / commentary / onorth / 2007 / on _ 04271 . shtml " I believe with all my heart that standing up for America means standing up for the God who has so blessed our land . We need God 's help to guide our nation through stormy seas . But we can 't expect Him to protect America in a crisis if we just leave Him over on the shelf in our day - to - day living . " - - Ronald Reagan , November 16 , 1982 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ PRAYER AND FAITH IN THE NEWS Coach Tony Dungy fields questions from participants in " Ask the White House " on April 23 . Dungy , an active Christian , gave testimony to his faith during the session . Photo courtesy of the White House . Coach Expresses Appreciation for Christian Campus GroupThe NFL Champion Indianapolis Colts were honored at the White House this week during a ceremony on the South Lawn . As a part of their visit , Coach Tony Dungy , known for his dynamic Christian faith , took questions as a part of " Ask the White House , " a regular feature on the White House website . " Christopher " of Grafton , ND asked Dungy 's opinion of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes . The following is Coach Dungy 's answer : What do I think of FCA ? It means a great deal to me because the Fellowship of Christian Athletes really brings together two things that are close to me : athletics and my Christian faith . I think that 's a great organization to volunteer with as well as they help out in junior highs , high schools , colleges , and help student - athletes become more aware of their surroundings and their eternal life and that has been a great , great benefit to me as I 've grown up . Philippians 4 : 6 - 7 " Be careful for nothing ; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God . And the peace of God , which passeth all understanding , shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus . " Posted by I saw this quiz over at my sister 's blog ( Jungle Mom ) and just had to do it ! Your resultYou scored 14 out of 30To others you seem to be a confident , fearless person who could easily cope with all the hazards and discomfort that time spent in the jungle might throw at them . The trouble is that while you put on a bold front , on occasion you are quaking inside . This could have you find yourself in dangerous situations that you are unable to handle . Don 't be afraid to admit to being frightened at times , as other people will respect you for it . I can 't seem to stay on top of things lately . Would you all mind if I post some photos from our Easter Sunday ? I know , I 'm only about a month behind , but I really would like to share the photos with my family . Hope you don 't find these too old and boring ! Remember , Dad had his heart attack a few days before Easter and was in the hospital waiting for open - heart surgery during this time . I think that is when I got so far behind on everything ! We didn 't color eggs this year , but instead found this neat cookie kit at Wal - Mart . It included the already made cookies , with frosting of different colors and candies . Shane really enjoyed it ! After the morning service , we went to Olive Garden to eat with the Leonard family . Above are Alex and Shane ! Mike and Kim Leonard , dear friends of ours ! If you ever need a laugh , hang out with this couple ! My hubby was working , but took time out to pop over to our table and give us the royal treatment ! Isn 't he so handsome ? I was in so much pain this day , but forced myself out for the sake of the boys . Josh had to help me dress before church . Normally , Agustin will do this on a Sunday if I 'm too stiff , but he had to go in early that day . I told Josh he was receiving more training for when he becomes a husband . Excuse the squints ! They were staring right into the glorious sun ! Josh and Shane Rios with Ashley and Alex Leonard - outside of Olive Garden ! I was being silly and thought it would be funny to snap a photo of the Leonard 's in their van every time we passed them ! Josh was driving and would keep maneuvering so we would have to pass them or they would pass us . I remember giggling so hard ! I 'm sure everyone else thought the lady in the Caddy was nuts ! ( It doesn 't take much to amuse me , just ask Yekwana man ! ) Later , after going home and changing clothes and waiting for Agustin to get home from work , we all headed for Tampa General Hospital to visit Dad . He was feeling great , having been resting in the hospital for 4 days and awaiting surgery for a triple by - pass . We took plastic Easter ePosted by I only have time for a real quick post here . My cousin has finally started her own blog ! YAY Teresa ! Anyway , if you would like to visit her new corner of the blogosphere , simply click here . http : / / thoughtsofteresa . blogspot . com / The actual name of her blog is " Think , think , think . . and is listed on my sidebar . She is a real sweetie and I just know you all will be happy to get to know her . Have a God filled day ! A Sampling of Media Bias HighlightsFrom the Media Research CenterFirst - 100 - Days FlopIn January it was ABC 's Charles Gibson leading the biased coverage about how great the Dems ' " First 100 Days " running Congress were going to be . But to his credit , late last week when the first hundred were up , he admitted their failure to get much of anything done . In contrast to Gibson 's honesty , the other nets just ignored it . Brian Williams on the NBC Nightly News deflected the issue , leading with what he called a " growing political problem for the White House " - - missing emails . - - MRC 's CyberAlert , April 16 Two men , both seriously ill , occupied the same hospital room . One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs . His bed was next to the room 's only window . The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back . The men talked for hours on end . They spoke of their wives and families , their homes , their jobs , their involvement in the military service , where they had been on vacation . Every afternoon , when the man in the bed by the window could sit up , he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window . The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside . The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake . Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats . Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance . As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details , the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene . One warm afternoon , the man by the window described a parade passing by . Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind 's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words . Days , weeks and months passed . One morning , the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window , who had died peacefully in his sleep . She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away . As soon as it seemed appropriate , the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window . The nurse was happy to make the switch , and after making sure he was comfortable , she left him alone . Slowly , painfully , he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside . He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besidePam Rios My husband 's Uncle Manuel Vargas performed our wedding ceremony in Queretaro , Qro . , Mexico back in 1986 . Now his son , Beto , has married Brenda . Her parents were some of the first folks I met when I first moved to Mexico . We attended the same church ! Well , now Beto and Brenda are all grown up and Uncle Manuel also performed their ceremony at the beautiful hacienda of Hermana Irma in Queretaro . I love the simple elegance of this reception ! I know my sister and her hubby ( Jungle Mom and Yekwana Man ) would love seeing the following photos , as they are still in contact with Brenda 's parents . The Bride and Groom , Brenda and Beto ! Uncle Manuel and Aunt Edna with their son and new daughter - in - law ! My mother - in - law with her nephew , the groom . Also pictured are two of my sisters - in - law , Berenice and Imelda . The bride and groom with their parents ! ( Cheuy , Mina , Brenda , Beto , Edna , Manuel ) Rita , if you enlarge the above photo , you will see Agustin 's dad in the back speaking with a Gringo . Is that who I think it is ? ? ? Los Novios ! The Newlyweds ! Don 't the grounds of the hacienda look lovely ? March 30 , 2007Florida : Governor Issues Homeschool Proclamation ! Dear HSLDA Members and Friends , Good news ! Governor Charlie Crist has issued a proclamation to celebrate the contribution of homeschooling in Florida . To our knowledge , there has never been a proclamation by a governor in Florida celebrating homeschooling . Regina Hicks of FPEA worked with HSLDA to draft the proclamation for the governor . Regina then contacted the governor 's office to secure this proclamation . We urge all homeschoolers in Florida to widely distribute this proclamation and celebrate homeschooling during the designated week , April 1 - 7 , 2007 . To review or print the proclamation go to http : / / www . hslda . org / hs / state / fl / Florida _ proclamation . pdfSincerely , Christopher J . KlickaHSLDA Senior Counsel ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ To read Governor Crist 's biography , go here : http : / / www . flgov . com / gov _ biography I 've been contemplating on a few things since the terrible massacre at Virginia Tech . I have had so many things I 've wanted to say and express , but the right words just weren 't coming to me . I was so thankful to find a link to an excellent article about this over at my sister 's blog today ! It articulates exactly what I have been wanting to say . For example , Geraldo , on Fox News , claimed we need to protect our children . Hold on ! Young adults the same age as these college students are fighting for our freedom , you know , IN WAR ! We don 't really consider them children now do we ? How many of those who want to now start calling college students children in need of protection , are all for murdering other children right in their mommy 's womb ! ? What a double standard ! Dennis Miller made an excellent point while on the O ' Reilly Factor last night . I can 't remember his exact words to quote him , but the main thought he was putting forth was that we have become a nation of coddled wimps ! We now have a generation of " men " , if I may use that word loosely , who don 't realize real danger when they are confronted with it . So many violent games , songs , and movies have numbed so many young people , that now they just sit back and watch as a real case scenario of violence plays out in front of them ! Mr . Miller said we have neutered our kids to a point where they are no longer capable of judging good from bad , even when it is staring them in the face ! He also pointed out that since we have created such a " non - judgemental " and " politically correct " state of mind for everyone , many can 't judge situations for what they truly are . My sister , Jungle Mom and I , had a great conversation about all this . We threw our sons into the mix , discussing how this shooter had free reign in classroom after classroom that day . We just can 't imagine our boys sitting there or cowering behind a desk . One young man I saw interviewed on T . V . by Katie Couric , spoke to the fact that the gunman reloaded his gun and then continued shooting . What did the ADULT students Posted by I am heroic couplets ; most preciseAnd fond of order . Planned and structured . Nice . I know , of course , just what I want ; I know , As well , what I will do to make it so . This doesn 't mean that I attempt to shunExcitement , entertainment , pleasure , fun ; But they must keep their place , like all the rest ; They might be good , but ordered life is best . What Poetry Form Are You ? Did any of my Texan friends hear about this ? This picture was taken by a KTBS helicopter flying over Lake Conroe ! ( For those of you who are not local , Lake Conroe is about 50 miles north of Houston ) That has to be a HUGE gator to have a whole deer in its mouth ! Are you ready to go skiing on Lake Conroe ? ! If you ski at the west end of the lake - - try not to fall . Picture below : This alligator was found between Athens and Palestine , Texas near a house . Game wardens were forced to shoot the alligator - guess he wouldn 't cooperate . . . Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night . Their neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a mammoth alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house , but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations . " I didn 't believe it , " Charles Rogers said . Friday they realized the stories were , if anything , understated . Texas Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast . Joe Goff , 6 ' 5 " tall , a game warden with the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department , walks past a 23 - foot , 1 - inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard . I think that the Texas Game and Wildlife wardens made a huge mistake when they shot thisbeast . With a little planning they easily could have transplanted it to the Rio Grande River . Now that should have cut down on the illegal migration just a tad ! ! Monday , April 16 , 2007Today , tragedy struck as a gunman opened fire on the campus of Virginia Tech in Blacksburg , VA . The violence left 33 dead and an atmosphere of chaos on the campus . This is the worst shooting in the history of our nation . We do not know what compelled this tragedy , but we do know that we can pray . President Bush addressed the nation , saying he and Mrs . Bush are praying for the victims ' families and acknowledging the deep wound this cuts into the life of our nation . " Our nation grieves with those who have lost loved ones . We hold them up in our prayers . " Heavenly Father , come with Your peace to the students , faculty and staff at Virginia Tech , and to the greater community of Blacksburg . Calm their fears and bring Your comforting presence . Give wisdom and strength to the administration of the University as they deal with this crisis . Grant healing and comfort to the injured and wisdom to those treating them . Bring Your powerful strength and presence to those families who will soon hear the sad news that their loved one has been killed . Send Your ministering spirits to heal and restore the entire community as they seek to recover from this horrendous act of violence . Call our nation to repentance and righteousness , that You may heal our land from all that troubles us . In Jesus Name , Amen . Posted by I really enjoyed doing this because it was educational ! ! I learned a few things ! November 81 . Go to Wikipedia and type in your birth date only - without the year . 2 . List 3 events that occurred that day : a ) 1519 - Hernán Cortés enters Tenochtitlán and Aztec ruler Moctezuma welcomes him with great pomp as would befit a returning godb ) 1889 - Montana is admitted as the 41st U . S . state . c ) 1997 - US president Bill Clinton speaks at a dinner sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign , the USA 's largest gay rights organisation . ( Yes , remember that guy ? ) 3 . List 2 important birthdays : a ) 1836 - Milton Bradley , American game manufacturer ( d . 1911 ) b ) 2003 - Lady Louise Windsor , British royal4 . List 1 death : a ) 1978 - Norman Rockwell , American illustrator ( b . 1894 ) 5 . List a holiday or observance : a ) annually - Saint Michael 's Day in Greece and Cyprus and to those of Greek Orthodox faith worldwideNow , wasn 't that interesting ? Now I get to tag 5 people ! 1 ) Missy http : / / www . crowniesmom . blogspot . com / 2 ) Kristi http : / / thimblethoughts . blogspot . com / 3 ) Lyndy http : / / ohfiddle - dee - dee . blogspot . com / 4 ) Just Theresa http : / / theresamcentire . blogspot . com / 5 ) Jenniferhttp : / / penofjen . blogspot . com / I first came out as Padme , but she was dressed too immodest for me to post her photo ! YIKES ! Your results : You are C - 3POC - 3PO 12 % Jabba the Hutt 12 % Yoda 11 % Padme 11 % An Ewok 10 % Luke Skywalker 8 % Princess Leia 7 % R2 - D2 7 % Jar Jar Binks 6 % Qui - Gon Jinn 5 % You don 't have a lot going for you , and you let everyone know it . You may have one or two close companions left , but if you keep complaining they may wander off . ( This list displays the top 10 results out of a possible 21 characters ) Click here to take the " Which Star Wars character am I ? " quiz . . . My brethren , let me say , be like Christ at all times . Imitate him in " public . " Most of us live in some sort of public capacity - many of us are called to work before our fellow - men every day . We are watched ; our words are caught ; our lives are examined - taken to pieces . The eagle - eyed , argus - eyed world observes everything we do , and sharp critics are upon us . Let us live the life of Christ in public . Let us take care that we exhibit our Master , and not ourselves - so that we can say , " It is no longer I that live , but Christ that lives in me . " - Charles Spurgeon Can you all believe it ? Only 4 days after open heart surgery , my dad is home , safe and sound . Late yesterday afternoon , I was surprised when I answered my telephone and heard my father 's voice full of vim and vigor announcing that he was blowing that joint and going over the walls ! " Really dad ? " I asked doubtfully . " Really ! I am getting discharged tomorrow morning at 10 : 30 ! " I just spoke with mom around 1 : 30 today ( Sat . ) , and he was all settled in at home . The Dr . 's , nurses , and friends have all been amazed at dad 's wonderful and quick recovery . We aren 't surprised , just more convinced than ever that God is in the prayer answering business . You know , after his last surgery almost 9 years ago , he wasn 't in near as good as health as he is in now . He also had a massive heart attack before the emergency 5 bypasses were performed . This time around , Dad has walked religiously for those years , takes all kinds of herbs and vitamins , is very strict with his diet , his heart attack was less severe this time , he recently lost 47 pounds , and remember - he had 5 days of rest between this heart attack and this surgery . I 'm sure all of those things play into his quick healing ; but God definitely gets all the glory ! Dad hasn 't had any pain medication since the day after his surgery ! We have spoken of how many people all over the world are praying for him and mom . Many we know , but many we may never meet in person . Let me tell you something now that will give you goose bumps ! A letter from the Gideons International was in the stack of un - opened mail . It stated that Dad , Pastor Jack Riffe , had been named " Pastor of the Week " . It went on to explain that dad would be lifted up daily in prayer by name by each Gideon in this regional chapter ! The letter was dated for April 7 , last Saturday . Dad 's surgery was Tuesday and his recovery began that evening ! Now , to make this even better , let 's go back to dad 's last surgery in September of 1999 . Dad was chosen that week also as " Pastor of the Week " ! It had never happened before and it hasn 't hapPosted by Some photos taken of Mom and Dad on Christmas Eve , 2006 , Faith Baptist Church , Wesley Chapel . Greetings ! I spoke with mom on the phone today and heard another great report on dad ! Mom needs your prayers more than ever now , as she will become his primary caregiver when he gets home . She has been right by his side through all of this . I know she is worn out , but she is strong and determined . She tried going home to sleep the first night after dad was hospitalized but couldn 't relax . The next day , dad was put in a room on the floor with a large couch and a recliner . Mom packed her suitcase and moved in ! She showered and slept there . It made her feel more at ease to do so . Anyone who knows my mom knows she couldn 't be talked out of staying . She had made up her mind to stay ! I 'm sure if it were my hubby , I would do the same ! They had dad up walking the halls again this morning and then he sat up for 2 hours in a recliner . A dear Christian brother came by to visit and pray with him . Bro . Steve could hardly pray for crying ! He has always told me how much he loves and respects my dad . Dad then showered and spent 2 more hours sitting in the recliner . After lunch , he was exhausted ! Then 2 more special visitors arrived . Pastor Bruce Turner and his Associate Pastor , Tommy Thompson came by to check on their dear Bro . Jack , and to have prayer . They were amazed at how quickly dad is healing ! Dad 's bandage was taken off his chest incision today . Pastor Turner , a couple doctors , and nurses have commented on how good the incision is healing . It doesn 't look as though it is only 48 hours old . It appears to have had more time to heal than that , it looks so good ! After his visitors left , Dad went fast to sleep ! Mom said he was so ready for it ! He is reaching that irritable , grumpy stage that all heart surgery patients seem to go through . The doctors reassured us today that is common . My dad is usually laid back and so easy going . Now he is interrupting the nurses , telling them he doesn 't need them , trying to do things on his own . I guePam Rios Praise the Lord ! My dad was up walking the hospital hallway tonight ! He hadn 't had any pain medication since 4 a . m . but tonight he did ask for something due to his arm aching so much . It had swelled during the day and was causing him discomfort , so he was given a Percocet . He was moved out of recovery and into intensive care this afternoon , a day earlier than most patients ! Is God a powerful God or what ? My entire family knows its prayer from believers that are helping dad and all of us through this process . Mom and Dad were so blessed reading the encouraging comments I had printed out and taken into the hospital . We had some fun times while hanging out in the waiting rooms . Here are a few photos to prove it ! Click photos to enlarge for better viewing . Enjoy ! Shane with his Grandpa Jack , last Wednesday after the heart attack , the first night in hospital . Oh and notice the guard dog , Chance ! Shane with Grandma Loretta in the waiting room . Mom was actually sleeping in this position . Notice how God supplied a chair that let out into a bed ? * Smiles * Naomy and Josh waiting for their turn to go in and visit Grandpa . My brother Johnny , THE THINKER ! The boys got a little bored . Wait until you see what they were up to ! Are those Josh Vernoy 's feet ? Jungle Mom 's son , Josh Daniel with his Uncle John , whom he looks up to very much indeed ! A glove miraculously became a bed buddy for Grandpa ! Thanks Josh Daniel ! My hubby and I trying to rest a bit . Agustin looks so innocent , doesn 't he ? I 'm a Porsche Boxster ! You 're stylish , nimble , and good - looking . When it comes to having fun , there are few who can surpass you . And yet , you suffer from a lingering inferiority complex . Maybe it 's because you have an older relative who is always in thelimelight ? Take the Which Sports Car Are You ? quiz . Praise the Lord , Dad is Up and At ' Em ! ! Thanks for your prayers and concern ! Our God is so gracious ! Dad came out of surgery at 2p . m . Tuesday and today , Wednesday at 2p . m . ( exactly 24 hours later ) I was in his recovery room . You can see in the photo below that he got out of bed and is sitting in a recliner and COMBING HIS HAIR ! ( Both of ' em ! * giggle , giggle * ) He had 3 by passes and the Surgeon said since dad is in good shape and young ( 71 in June ! ) he thinks he will be just fine ! Dad has denied pain medications since 4 a . m . ! He says he just feels a little sore ! DUH ! ? ! Yesterday when I first saw him in recovery , I broke down and bawled . He was just coming from under the anesthesia and jerking as though he were having convulsions . One eye was mostly open , but no movement from the eyeball . The other eye was shut . He was so swollen ! His head , hands , neck , arms , and feet looked twice their regular size ! The breathing tube and chest tube were only 2 of the many wires and devices attached to him . So today I just had to get in there to see him again and boy I 'm glad I did . I recieved so much comfort when I saw him in the improved condition ! I will write more after church tonight . God bless you all . You have been such encouragers to my family and I . Well all of you except for one crazy loon out there who left hurtful comments on my previous post and a terrible comment on Jungle Mom 's as well ! May their loved one never be in such a situation . As always , click photo to enlarge ! Due to lack of beds in the Operating Rooms today , dad 's surgery was rescheduled for Tuesday morning at 6 : 30 a . m . Please continue to pray that the surgeon 's hands will be annointed and all will go smoothly . We know God has a reason for the surgery to be delayed . I am somewhat relieved really , thinking that first thing in the morning is better that late in the afternoon ! All will be fresh starting a new day ! Love You All ! Proverbs 3 : 5 & 6 " Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understandings . In all they ways acknowledge HIM and HE shall direct thy paths . " Dad holding Elena Grace , his first and only GREAT - grandbaby ! ( She lives in Paraguay now ) What a weekend ! Saturday , Shane , Agustin and I went to eat at a little Mexican restaurant in a small town nearby . The food was good , but not what we had expected after reading great reviews and hearing so many brag to us about it . It was fun though learning about a surrounding town up the road from us . We then made the obligated journey to mecca ! ( Wal - Mart ) . Agustin was debating whether to go with me or not . Shane piped in : " I wanna go . You know , when I hear the word Wal - Mart , I get all warm and fuzzy inside ! " What a funny little boy ! I was glad Agustin went . I was pooped , feeling weak , and hurting really bad . I don 't think I could have loaded and unloaded that stuff so many times by myself ! Have you all ever counted how many times you must handle an item you purchase before you ever get it to it 's proper place ? Too many ! We got it all put away . Since so much time this week has been spent in the hospital and on the phone , I didn 't get the ironing done . So Agustin ironed his pretty Lilac dress shirt for today . He had to work , but I told him it would be nice to wear a Spring color . I finished putting things away and had to wash a new shirt we had bought for Shane . After doing a few more things around the house , I ironed Shane 's new shirt and touched up his dress pants . We decorated cookies this year instead of eggs . I 'll show pictures later . After getting Shane to bed and reading a couple chapters from his bedtime book , I fell into my bed ! I really didn 't sleep well due to extreme pain in my shoulders . I was up at 6 : 30 a . m . to see Agustin off to work and to start getting ready for our long day . Josh drove up and went to church with Shane and I . It was nice being together for such a special Sunday . We then went to Olive Garden for lunch with the Leonard family . Then home to pack overnight bags , as I wanted to stay in Tampa tonight so getting to the hospital plenty early Monday morning wouldn 't be an issue . After Agustin got off work , Pam Rios Back in the summer while my friend Amber was home from college , she sang " Psalm 23 " with two of our church staff members . This was their first time to sing together . Considering the week we have just ended and waiting for for my father 's by pass surgery on Monday , I felt myself being drawn to this lovely song tonight . Please take the time to listen . I 'm sure your heart will be blessed . I hope you all have a wonderfully blessed Easter . I feel honored that my sister , Jungle Mom , bestowed upon me this award . I don 't feel that my blog is much more than fluff most of the time . I didn 't even know about this wonderful world of blogging until six months ago ! I must confess , I LOVE blogging . Did you hear me ? Let me reiterate : I LOVE blogging , I really do ! One of the reasons I started blogging was to simply stay in touch with my family which is scattered all over the globe . Family is so very important to me and I want to be involved the best I can with each family member . If I can stay abreast on what is going on in my niece 's and nephew 's lives , then I figure it won 't be so hard reconnecting when they come to the states again . I felt a wonderful reason for blogging was to use it to help spread the good news of Christ 's love for us . So many in our world are lost and hurting . I feel it to be such an honor when I can share a word fitly spoken or a verse of scripture with someone to help or encourage them . I also pray that I would be a positive testimony for my Lord and Savior , Jesus Christ . I also use my blog as therapy ! That 's right , therapy . I have a chronic illness that causes me so much pain . Many days are lost on trying to catch up on sleep or rest due to being up all night writhing and groaning . Many times when I can 't lift or scrub a thing , I can sit here and type . I can spill my thoughts and heart . It really seems to help ! Another reason I think blogging appeals to me is that it helps me have conversations and communicate with others without leaving my home . I don 't drive often due to stiffness or simply plain not feeling like it ! So the internet , and especially blogging , helps me reach out of my four walls somewhat . I will spend the weekend mulling over which 5 blogs I want to present this award to . Please check back on Monday . Once again , thanks sis for the award ! I will try to live up to it . Due to a difficult and long day at the hospital yesterday , I chose not to go to Busch Gardens today with the guys . It all worked out for the best ! It 's Spring Break here and evidently lots of others places as well . The lines to simply buy passes were SO long , and the people were crawling around like ants . Josh 's friend Shawn pulled a muscle at work Thursday , so he didn 't go to the park . Why spend all that money to get in if you can 't ride ? The other two guys who were supposed to go were exhausted from all day in the hospital Thursday with us . So my guys , upon seeing how crowded the park was going to be , simply turned around and went to Olive Garden for a nice lunch al fresco . Uncle John did join them there . After lunch , Agustin , Josh , and Shane came home with some rented movies and just hung out all afternoon . Tonight Josh is with friends having an X BOX competition . All day Josh recieved phone calles and text messages wishing him a great birthday . He was quite pleased . Oh and Wednesday night , he recieved a home made peanut butter pie from a dear friend . He was on cloud nine after that . I don 't think he needed anything else to make his 20th birthday happy ! * smiles and winks * Now moving onto Dad ! He is stable and therefore was moved onto the regular floor this afternoon , so he is no longer in Cardiac Intensive Care . He is off the nitro drip and blood thinner IV as well . The room he is in will afford him to get much needed rest as he gears up for his surgery . The room is large with a full couch and recliner in it . As a matter of fact , they brought my mom pillows and blankets and she is staying there tonight . Dad got up for awhile and sat in the recliner . The best thing that happened to him to day is that my mom brought in his glasses and Bible ! The surgeon came in this afternoon and told him the by pass surgery will take place at 12 : 00 noon Monday . The two arteries which need to be replaced are from the original five which were replaced in 1999 . The veins they used have just worn out . We had hoped that first by pass Posted by Edited at 2 : 37 ! Ok - I now know why it isn 't wise for one to write and post blog entries at 3 in the morning after spending one stressful day at the hospital with a sick loved one ! I posted the wrong year for my son 's birthdate ! LOL I laughed so hard when I signed on today to read the comments that were left here , and my own son had to tell me in his comment that he was NOT born in 1997 , but 1987 ! ! How can he be 20 if he was born in 1997 ? That is the year of my 2nd son 's birth , so please cut me some slack ! Josh Rios and Josh Vernoy in hammocks in Venezuela ! Fourth of July Sunday ! Josh , 3rd from left , with Vernoy cousins ! 2005 - High School Graduation . Josh in gold with friend Hyondoe . Josh in his cap and gown ! I get a hug after his first sermon ! Taking baby Josh home ! Modeling hats in a shop in Queretaro , Mexico ! Josh and Shane with our beloved dog , Chance ! The first time Agustin saw and held his son ( 3 months old ) ! Easter photo for 1989 ! Josh and his dad take off on Sheikra at Busch Gardens ! My first born is 20 years old today ! How did that happen ? A precious blessing came into our lives at 2 : 22 a . m . Monday morning on April 6 , 1997 , ( see ? this is what the edit above was about , it was really 1987 ! ) in Welch , West Virginia ! He surprised us by being born a little early and in much distress , but God performed a miracle for us and we are eternally thankful for this ! Our son , Joshua Lee Rios , brings us great joy and many smiles . I have especially enjoyed watching him become a confident young man and a gentleman ! He has a heart for God and approaches most things with passion and fervor . My prayer for him is that he will be a faithful servant of Christ , putting HIM first in all he does . Today , Friday , we will follow a tradition that Josh himself started - a birthday trip to Busch Gardens ! At 20 , I thought he would want something a little different , but boy was I wrong ! He came to me and said , " Mom , can we all just go to B . G . on my birthday ? Uncle Johnny said I can have the day off and he and Shawn will even come join us . " So it waPam Rios Hi ! I 'm Pam , Thanks so much for dropping by . Here 's a little bit about my life . I 'm a committed Christian , I love God and His Word . I love America . I love my family ! I 've lived all over the United States and even lived a few years in Mexico . That 's where I met him - my Knight in Shining Armor ! ! Our love story began there in that Colonial city of Queretaro . My heart yearns to return there to live one day . I 'm proud of two wonderful sons who are healthy and hard working . I 've been learning to live with R . A . ( rheumatoid arthritis ) since my diagnosis at age 27 . I try to control it rather than allowing it to control me . I enjoy scrapbooking , blogging , singing , reading , and oh so many more things ! I enjoy teaching Children 's Church on Sundays .

This week has been so strange that it 's hard for me to believe that it is Wednesday already . Today feels like a Monday with a whole long week ahead of me and I 've had to keep reminding myself that there are only 3 more days until the weekend , not 5 . Having Wednesday dedicated to writing on the blog has really helped me focus on writing during the rest of the week . I need something to blog about so I better write something . Monday night I was able to begin rereading my Camp NaNoWriMo novel from April 2012 . I haven 't looked at it in over a year so I know I need to reread the whole thing before I start making any edits . I have paper beside me to write down anything I might need to remember like minor character names and events . I tried to read more of it yesterday when everyone was home but life just didn 't cooperate . I 'd like to finish reading it by this time next week and start thinking about revisions - characters I want to develop more or perhaps take out completely ; events I want to include , exclude or expand . Sometimes the process feels like it will take forever and is very overwhelming and I want to stop . The first step , however , is just reading it and that seems easy enough . I also finished reading this book this week . I think a lot of the information is for non - fiction writers who need to appear as an expert in their field before publishers will even look at them . However , I think it had a lot of good advice for me as well . It talked about having a social media presence which I have been trying to work on . I 've begun following some people and groups on Google + ( although I 'm still not really sure how to use it properly ) and have tweeted a little bit more and have started following some new people , which has gotten me a few new followers as well . It feels scary to put myself out there . I like being anonymous . I like having my opinions but I don 't really feel the need to discuss them with anyone outside my family and close friends . The one thing this book encouraged me to do was to sit down and think about what I want from this blog . What kind of readers / followers do I want ? What do I want to write about ? And why do I like the blogs that I do ? I spent some time thinking about these questions and writing down some answers . It became clear who I want my audience to be . I really want to have readers that are similar to me . They can be moms , but not necessary as I don 't write about my kids too much here . They should like reading and crafting . A lot of the blogs I follow are just women crafting and being honest about their lives . It 's neat to take a peak into someone else 's life but just a peak . I don 't really follow anyone who overshares , is very opinionated or critical of others . The world can be a cruel place and I look to blogs to lighten it up a little and to give my creative self something to think about . This is what I want for this blog as well . This blog started as a place to share my quilts but has evolved as I have the past few years . Although I still like making quilts , it has not been my focus the past year or so . I thought I couldn 't talk about all my interests , that I needed to focus on just one thing . I changed the name of the blog from Rachel 's Quilts to Stitch 2 , Write 1 to try and break out of that , to show that I was more than a quilter . When I did that my blog kind of got lost . I stopped getting new followers and comments . People forgot about me but I also think I needed to take a step back . Sure I changed the name but was I ready to share more about myself ? Probably not . I replaced quilts with knitting but I still wasn 't very present . This year I 'm attempting to change that and Writing Wednesday is the first big step . It 's scary to write about my writing ambitions but I know there are many other writers just like me . Wanting to get published , trying to edit their first novel but still trying to be themselves . I don 't want to stop knitting or quilting just because I 'm also a writer now ( and I need to start feeling comfortable calling myself a writer , too ) . This blog , I hope , will become a place for me to reflect and comment on how I am balancing my writing life with mothering 3 children while still finding time to do the things I love lIt 's taken me all day to write this post . I took time to think about what I wanted to say and rewrite several sentences . I also wrote a new piece of creative nonfiction for the CBC Canada Writes contest that has a deadline of this Saturday . I also fed the baby numerous times , changed some diapers , read blogs and ate some chocolate . This is me trying to balance my life . This week I 've had to remember that slow and steady wins the race . Especially when knitting sleeves . I finally finished the body of the sweater for my older son but am now left with the sleeves . But before I show pictures of the sweater here 's the little guy enjoying a hat I knit him last year at Christmas , months before he was born . It 's nice and warm and keeps his ears covered . I put 2 buttonholes so it could grow with him . He is using the smallest setting right now . He doesn 't like getting the hat done up but is fine once it 's on . Started the first sleeve . I have about 8 inches left before I am finished the first sleeve . Ugh . Might do the hood before I do the second sleeve . Really looking forward to finishing this one . However , I couldn 't help but start something . I was spending way too much of my " spare " time looking at patterns and daydreaming about what I would start next . I made a Zuzu 's Petals cowl for my mom for Christmas - forgot to get a picture though - and knew I wanted to make one for myself . I had a skein of yarn that I bought on clearance several years ago and have been waiting for the right pattern . When I saw the Yarn Harlot 's Zuzu 's Petals ( if you click on the link you 'll have to scroll down to her January 21st post as I couldn 't get the individual post ) last week I knew I needed to cast on another one , right away . I am on row 15 of 42 of the lace pattern and have been working on it after all the kids go to bed in the evenings . This should be done by next Monday . Hard to believe that January is almost over and February and the Olympics will be here very soon . Next Monday I 'll post my knitting plans for the Olympics . Posted by Some of you may have noticed a few little changes on the blog this week . One of them is the little g + by my name on the sidebar . Clicking on it takes you to Google + . I don 't know much about it but my husband has been encouraging me to use it for months . I 'm told it 's like Twitter but better . This week I filled out my profile a bit and spent some time looking around and found out that Alice Munro and Margaret Atwood would be doing a Google Hangout chat tonight . So earlier tonight I got to watch two literary greats talk about Alice 's work . It was as amazing as you would expect with these two . And I have been writing this week . Social media once again alerted me to a little something . Besides hosting Canada Reads , CBC also hosts a Canada Writes contest . The current contest is for creative non - fiction - deadline is February 1st . I spent several days last week thinking about it and then wrote a rough draft on Thursday and Friday . I left it alone for the weekend and reread it the other day . It 's not bad but still needs a lot of work and I 'm not sure I 'll submit it but it was fun to write . The next contest is for poetry and I might just focus on that one instead . Here is the cardigan with ends woven in and arm seams complete . I had made 5 button holes but decided to sew close 4 of them and do what the pattern says and just have one button at the neck . After trying a lot of different buttons I 've settled on the pink one seen above . Still needs to be sewn on . Then I can wash the sweater and mail it . Been knitting like crazy on this sweater for my older son . This was supposed to be a Christmas present but the first time I knit it , it was too big so I frogged it and started over . His birthday is this Thursday . I would love to have the body and sleeves done by then . The Australian Open is really helping with my evening knitting ( wasn 't yesterday 's tennis amazing ! Canadian Eugenie Bouchard winning and Djokovic losing . Wow , those were both surprises . ) Anyway . . . I was going to wait until my table was cleared off before I took a picture to post then I had to admit it will always look a little crazy . The left side of the table is the crafty side , the right side is the writing side . The white book shelf is where the table used to be , so I no longer have my back to the rest of the living room but can see everyone . My husband may have teased me last night about watching tennis on my computer and a different program on the tv . At least I was knitting while doing it . My son 's sweater is the black lump in the middle of the table . Very full shelves . I 'd really like to empty these out a bit this year . The two cubbies under the yarn stash are quilt projects . The one on the left are projects waiting to be started while the one on the right are projects waiting to be finished . You know which ones I want to play with , right ? We finished the Famous Writer 's puzzle on Sunday . My husband and I tried to work on it together but the baby often had different ideas and so we took turns working on it alone . As expected , there are definitely more male than female writers , although the last row has 5 women . Here 's a small patch of women writers . Jane Austen , Mary Shelley , Charlotte and Emily Bronte and Emily Dickinson . I finished reading this yesterday . The first hundred pages were s - l - o - w but just as I was about to put it in the library bag to return it , it got good and I devoured the rest of the book in a few days . It 's an interesting story of two women , living 100 years apart and how they are connected ( they aren 't related ) . There 's also a secret journal that one of them is reading ( and no , it isn 't written by the other woman ) , which given my snoopy personality is why I checked it out from the library in the first place . I would rank it slightly above stereotypical chick lit . It has series themes , not everyone has a happy ending and a bit of language . And as much as I try to write " real literature " , this seems to be the category that most of my writing falls into as well . My new writing set up . Part of my table is now designated for writing . I also moved my picture with Atwood and my husband 's painting so I can see them when I look up . Atwood wrote " Keep on Truckin ' " on the picture , while my husband 's painting says , " Publish or Perish . " . No pressure . For some reason , I forgot to mention this book my sister gave me for Christmas . However , it seems appropriate that I blog about it today as she has requested socks for her birthday instead of the cardigan I had planned . No problem . Here are some of the patterns from the book . Maybe she 'd like this one ? Last Wednesday I started a little cardigan for my cousin 's new little girl . I had already sent along a blanket and a couple hats but none of that had been made specifically for her and I felt she deserved something special . I might make for her since knitting for little girls is fun . This is how far I was this afternoon . My cleaning up this weekend turned into us moving several pieces of furniture . My son and I switched bookshelves giving me a little more space . Above is most of my yarn . In the left cubby are full or almost full skeins . The right is just sock yarn , although it won 't all become socks . On top of the shelf is my bin of scrap yarn . All my knitting books are standing up . Some had to lay on their side on the previous shelf . Last year I also started putting patterns in a binder - the big one at the end . Each pattern is in it 's own sheet protector which makes it easier to keep them flat and to look at them . And yes , they are organized by type of pattern - socks , cardigan , baby , etc . And this dizzying picture shows a bunch of bags under the table . Each bag holds a knitting or crochet project waiting to be completed . I 'll show the rest of my workspace once I have everything in place , hopefully by the end of this week . Tonight I finished the cardigan for baby Ava . Need to sew up the arm sleeves , weave in ends and add some buttons . Then it will be ready to mail . Posted by I know this is a bad picture - taken at night with no flash - but it 's too scary to really show you what my table really looks like . Stuff thrown on there after arriving back home after our trip to Canada at Christmas along with unfinished Christmas presents . Plus other projects . This is what I would like to clean up tomorrow , although it will probably take me several days to find a work surface under all that stuff . I wanted to start today but swim lessons this morning and a game night at a friend 's house interrupted my day . As did an almost 2 hour nap with the baby this afternoon . Guess I needed it . Hopefully by next weekend I 'll be able to do some actual work here . A little something I got myself in the post holiday sales . I warned the kids they 'll get a note on one of these next time they misbehave . I think I 'll use them more for myself . I 've decided to make Wednesday a day to focus on writing , at least on the blog . I 've been doing a lot of thinking about this blog , my future life plans and how they might work together , if at all . I admit sometimes I really don 't feel like blogging and see it as more of a chore . I think those who don 't have a blog , don 't realize how much work it is . Or how much time it takes to take pictures of projects or materials ( fabric or yarn or something else ) so that it looks good enough for a blog . Not to mention the time to sit and write the actual post . I don 't want to commit to doing anything that causes me to look at it with dread . If I 'm going to keep blogging then I want it to be because I still want to blog and share . But what does this little rant have to do with writing ? I 'm not really sure . The words above just kind of spilled out when I put my fingers on the keys . And maybe that is what I am hoping to happen more on the blog this year . I want there to be more me and maybe fewer crafty progress posts . I 'm obviously going to keep doing posts about knitting and quilting but that isn 't the only thing this blog is supposed to be about , as the title Stitch 2 , Write 1 suggests . If I am going to describe myself as a writer , I need to do two things . First , I need to write . I spend too much time thinking about writing and not enough time actually doing it . I hope to change that this year . Second , I need to take writing seriously as a career if I want to be taken seriously as a writer . Now these two things seem obvious but often get lost in the day - to - day struggle of finding time and energy to write . I 'm using this space today to declare where I 'd like my career as a writer go this year . These are just hopes and I realize that my role as a mom of 3 kids will always come before my writing . However , I also need something that is mine and writing is that . This year I plan to blog about writing every Wednesday . I 'm not sure yet what those posts will look like but it will be interesting to see what happens . It 's totally possible that the posts will be one sentence long : " Didn 't write this week , everyone sick . " , but it 's also possible that I 'll have something to share as I am now putting some pressure on myself to write about writing every week . I 'm also planning on taking the first half of the year to focus on editing the novel I wrote during Camp NaNoWriMo in June 2012 . It was the first in a planned series that I still think is a good idea and would like to explore . I began editing it at the end of 2012 but didn 't touch it at all in 2013 . I hope to edit it enough by the end of June that I 'll be ready to share it to get some feedback . In the fall I 'd like to finish editing it and begin sending it out to publishers / agents . That step sounds really scary as I know I 'll be rejected many times but right now I believe the novel has potential and that the planned series could be good . It 's just a matter of finding others who believe that too . Near the end of last year , I was looking through old files on my computer when I came across some old poems . Some of them were complete crap . Almost laughable . And others surprised me that they were actually good . I had sent poems out to magazines when I was in University and had one published but I wasn 't quite ready for the rejection letters and the poems weren 't really ready for publication then . I plan to polish some of these poems , perhaps write some new ones , and send them out this year . I never thought I 'd be sending out poems again , but poems take less time than writing a novel , right ? Which brings me to one of my " resolutions " for 2014 . A nice orange notebook from the dollar bins at Michael 's with my initial on the cover . Inside I am writing a poem a day . Are they any good ? Probably not but they are getting me writing everyday . Even if the poem is only a couple lines long , at least I wrote something . I 'm also doing it in a notebook with a pen and not on the computer because I miss writing in a notebook . When I was younger , that 's where I wrote all my poems - during class of course . It will also help with my penmanship which has really gone downhill the past few years . So far I 've written one every day this year . This isn 't a resolution , but something fun I received for Christmas this year . We have plans to start it this Friday . My husband has suggested taking over the dining room table every weekend with a puzzle . Is it any wonder why I love this man ? This week I started reading this book and it 's probably the main reason behind this very wordy post . I could write all day , everyday , but if I don 't have an audience or an online presence in any way , it 's unlikely that I 'd get an agent or a publisher to even look my way . The world of publishing has changed and authors are now asked to be more than just a writer , they need to market themselves . Authors need to get their names out there and show publishers that they are worth spending money on because they already have an audience . I don 't have much experience with this and there will be small changes to the blog as I learn how to really use it to benefit me . I have no plans to add ads or anything like that , but perhaps it will start looking more professional . And having an online presence elsewhere is also recommended . I 'm still not on Facebook and I don 't plan on joining any time soon , however , I will admit that I 'm on twitter . I don 't tweet that much . I joined in 2011 so I could tweet about NaNoWriMo the first time I did it . I wasn 't quite ready to share with family and friends on the blog about my writing , and twitter allowed me a place to brag about word counts and complain about days with no inspiration . I know I 'll need to embrace twitter if I really want to use it as a way for people to know me as a writer . I guess that brings this post to a close . I 've written enough , or at least that 's what my tired brain says . Time for bed . Although I have a poem to write first . Here 's the first of hopefully 3 blog posts this week about the end of 2013 and what I hope for this blog in 2014 . I plan on Monday being knitting posts . I 'll be updating projects , showing any new yarn I may have bought and if I 'm lucky , showing off some finished projects . Obviously today is not Monday but the kids had yesterday and today off school so we 're still in vacation mode over here . My big gift this year was a set of interchangeable needles . I had sent the link to my husband during the black Friday / cyber Monday deals . He complained about the price but then ordered them to arrive at his work . Sneaky guy . I was able to finish the sweater for the little guy before the end of the year . December 30th , actually , during our 9 hour drive home . My husband says he looks Inuit in it so we nicknamed it his Nanook sweater - in honor of Frank Zappa . Above he 's playing with a stuffed seal . Tried to get another picture of him but his siblings are too distracting for him to look at me . You can also see my awesome new slippers in this picture too . My sister gifted me this bag which is perfect for holding little projects like socks ( a hint maybe ? ) or a hat or cowl . My mom spoils me with beautiful yarn . This year I said no fabric just yarn as that seems to be where my interest lies , right now . ( Although I do have plans to finish up some quilt WIP 's and even start some new ones ) . This is a special colourway made for my hometown lys called , Nipissing Sunset after the lake the town sits beside . I 'm thinking a cowl or scarf , even though it 's sock weight yarn . This yarn is too beautiful for socks that will be buried in shoes and beneath pants . The second skein she bought is called , Shadfly Season . Shadflies are called something else down here but I can 't remember . I think this yarn might become socks . It 's lovely but I found the perfect pattern for it . One of the workers from the store where the yarn was bought just released a free pattern on ravelry called Nosbonsing . This is another lake in the area where my parents have a trailer and I 've been to countless times . I think a pair of Nosbonsing socks will have to me made for me , my mom and maybe my sister . My SIL gifted me a bunch of neat stuff , including some stitch markers that were put away before I took this picture . On the left you can see all the safety eyes she bought me . I 'm beyond thrilled . I can 't find them locally , only online . Now I need to decide what I 'm going to make . And since we 've been home I 've picked up some yarn to make more dishcloths . I made 3 for my SIL and she says I can make them some more . The KnitPicks blog is posting a new washcloth pattern every week which should help keep me motivated .

A thirty - two year old homeschool graduate who once promised her mother she didn 't need to learn grammar because she 'd never be an author is hopelessly a writer at heart . I 'm a Christian who loves to ask thoughtful questions , and who finds thought - provoking material in unlikely sources . A lady in waiting , I 'm the oldest of six children still living at home , pursuing the efficient acquisition of knowledge through books and practice . For a couple hours Monday , August 20 , beginning at 5 : 30 AM we experienced the thundering remnants of tropical storm Erin moving up from the gulf , arguably causing more damage by flooding than if she had been a hurricane hitting the shore . We don 't get storms like that in Colorado . Maybe they 're not all that common in Missouri , either . About fifty miles to the north of us 14 inches of rain fell in four hours . Incredibly bright lightning seemed to strike just across the lake from where we were staying , and its thunder echoed through the hills . The same storm flooded parts of already saturated Texas , wreaked havoc in Oklahoma , as I said , downpoured on Missouri , devastated a town near Toledo , Ohio , and knocked down trees in Chicago , shutting down streets during rush hour . No sooner did we get home than the weather reports here promised cooler weather and precipitation thanks to the remnants of another former tropical storm , the much - feared category 5 hurricane Dean ( much weakened from having spun over arid Mexico before turning north ) . Here , however , I believe we have only had sprinkles . The usual suspects for flooding got their typical share of rain on the other side of Denver , but we are in the no - rain zone . Tornadoes don 't come here , either . One was seen near Broomfield today , which is another Denver suburb . We see the neatest weather , then , when we travel . I took the picture below on our passage through Kansas for our vacation . I also took the week to really begin studying the weather . Moving across parts of three states , from one mountain range , over the Great Plains to another mountain range , made it difficult . And in Missouri we were most of the time stuck in a boring , fair - weather pattern . I think I learned a lot , though , and started a weather journal . I 've neglected it since returning home , though . There aren 't many windows in my house , and we keep them curtained . At work I am in a closet , dimming or brightening through warehouse skylights being my only indication of weather . If I ever learn anything really nlife , I 've heard girls talk about long skirts , and how they get tangled up in them . Some girls don 't like long skirts because they prohibit certain activities , or because they 're hot . I 've heard of men preferring women in short skirts or jeans . I 've heard a lot of Christian men saying they appreciate modest dress and long , flowing skirts . I personally love the look of long skirts , the history of long skirts , the modesty of long skirts , the warmth of long skirts , and the way long skirts make me move . So imagine my shock today when an almost 80 year old patient at work commented on my ankle - length skirt , " How can you wear that ? Don 't you trip over it ? " And the younger woman accompanying him as his caretaker explained , " He was in the Navy ; he doesn 't like long skirts . " I 'm not sure how the Navy explains an aversion to long skirts . How can anyone not like long skirts ? And he wasn 't wearing it . I 'm not even an important person in his life . So even if you don 't like something someone is wearing , if it isn 't offensive , do you have to say anything ? It isn 't as though I fell on my face getting out of my chair , knocking a drawer full of contacts into his lap . I got up gracefully and walked over to my position at what is called the autorefractor to get him pretested . Reassure me here . Have you ever heard of anyone disliking long skirts ? To God be all glory . Eclectic : I was just reading an article ( to which I was referred by Ladies Against Feminism . The site is listing a lot of good articles recently . ) that said the average 18 year old 100 years ago ( back when it was common for 18 year olds to marry ) were more mature than the average 28 year old of today ( who is just starting to think about getting married ) . The difference is in education , example , and the one they mentioned was responsibility . Families were thrust upon these " children " ( by their own , adult choice of course ) . And the young adults rose to the occasion and matured . In contrast , we have today the kidult , adultescent , Peter Pan society where the 28 year olds are used to the world revolving around them with limited responsibility , so they aren 't ready still to start a family and make life - long commitments . What bothers me is the addition in these descriptions of kidults of their residence . They are derided for living at home . My question is , if they are not living at home , where would they live ? In a hotel ? Under a bridge ? With a friend ? Shouldn 't we be encouraging adults , wherever they live , to be at home ? Don 't couples who get married live at home ? Doesn 't the Bible teach the importance of having a home and family ? Is the Bible suddenly inapplicable because a person is unmarried and over some arbitrary age for adulthood ? Can a person not be responsible , mature , and still living at home ? Weren 't those very mature 18 year olds a hundred years ago still living at home ? Over my vacation I read a book called Journey of the Heart , in which the main character went from 22 to 24 years old , I believe . And she lived ( with her parents ) at home . But she was still maturing . Why ? Because she was leaning on God to grow her . And because her parents were fascilitating that . They were training her for life and responsibility more than a college usually would , because they were giving her hands on responsibility ( on the farm with the animals , helping to teach homeschool classes and even make the lesson plans ) . Even the younger ( nonEclectic : This summer I have gotten a lot of reading done . For summaries of the books I 've read , click on the link above . Additionally , I am in the middle of the Last Sin Eater - review coming soon . And I am delighted to learn that the Cross Centered Life which I just picked up from the library after many recommendations is actually a short book . So that should be finished soon . I have every intention of also reading some Lori Wick novels and George MacDonald books , and may soon be purchasing Regina Doman 's latest novel , self - published this time , called Waking Rose . In the case of all of those , stay tuned to my reading list for more short reviews , and to the blog in general for fuller reviews of life - impacting books . I will review Waking Rose as soon as I have read it . Crystal posted this week on the statistics of American readers . 1 in 4 adults , she reports , finished a book last year . With all the overwhelming numbers of books being published , I wonder how the authors and publishers can stay in business . And I am more justified in buying some books at thrift stores . She also posted a picture of all the books she is currently reading . Crystal seems to be a bit more behind than I ever let myself get , partly because my room is so overrun with books and journals that I don 't have room for large stacks like that . What books have you read this summer ? Have you read any on my list ? I also noticed that Blogger will link your interests lists to others with similar favorite books , movies , music , etc . again . So you can look up my favorite books list there . On my business website , I have started a policy of giving away a free book with purchase , if the book is requested . I have purchased duplicates of the books I really love others to read , and they are listed on the website . If you want to make a purchase , then , from my expanding website , feel free to grab at one of the books on the list . To God be all glory . Eclectic : Have suitcase , will travel - and the suitcase isn 't huge ! Maybe he 's travelling for work . Maybe he wants to see the world . Or maybe he just knows how to take a nice vacation . Has a hat , wears it . ( One of my best friends requires that the man she marries own either a top hat or a fedora - or both ! ) This one speaks of adventure and outdoor ability , even though it 's just a hat . The man who owns it likes it because it was made in Australia . He does ' celebrity ' with sunglasses . Cool , composed , and incognito , who doesn 't admire the right pair of sunglasses on the right face ? To top it all off , chocolate . Need I say more ? And this isn 't your ordinary chocolate bar . It 's the shareable size ! ( Please don 't get me wrong . I thought this was a great picture . But the stuff is my brother 's , artistically stacked , waiting to be packed for our week - long vacation to Branson , Missouri . This is my way of announcing that once again , I may be missing in action for a while . ) To God be all glory . Eclectic : When you write , every word is important . So make sure you use a word that means the same thing you are trying to get across . For example : There is a word in Greek , sophroneo , that means self - moderation , to be of sound mind . In Titus 2 : 6 ( " Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded " ) it is translated " sober - minded . " I think of sober as a word describing a recognition of the seriousness , the importance , the sow - and - reap nature of a situation . But sober etymologically means " without drink . " When we commonly use it as an opposite of drunkenness , that is its original intention . So what about serious ? Serious is probably the closest to what I mean , but still the connotation is gravity , weightiness . It has the historical association of being the opposite of playing or joking . Solemn , the word I chose for my title on Sunday , has even more of a picture of formality and ceremony , which is not at all what I meant . Earnest is a word that shows you are sincere and passionate about something . We use it to mean " honestly , " but neither that is a correct usage nor as a synonym for serious . Reverent might do if it were not so set on awe and formality . What I meant to communicate by the word solemn was " without irreverence , " or conduct unfitting . Church services are a time for celebration , but not for jokes . God is a serious matter , but that seriousness should cause even more liberal , humble joy . The reason for writing this post is to say that I cannot find an English word that carries the meaning I wish to communicate . When I wrote Solemn Joy , one of the main points was to describe that attitude for which we apparently have no English word . I hope this additional post has helped . Perhaps I should say " Selfless Joy , " for selflessness points to God . And the problem I have with irreverence is its self - centered motives . It is saying something to draw attention to oneself , or to bring pleasure to oneself . When the focus of our joy is on God , our importance is put into proper perspective , and we won 't say or do anything to bring shame Eclectic : Our church did communion / Lord 's supper today . You 've no idea how hard it was to write that sentence . What should be the verb ? What verb was accurate ? We always " do " communion . It is ritual . . . and so solemn , almost grim . I wanted to sing out , " Let the redeemed of the Lord say so ! " We 're not supposed to take the Lord 's Supper unworthily , so we try to be reverent . I believe we can be reverently joyful . Joy is hard work . It 's a command . And it can be reflective , and sober . Laughter can be about truth . The sanctuary was silent except for the unnoticed jostle of passing the trays down each row . Deacons waited in the aisles to transfer the trays to the next row , but while helpful , they too were very quiet and solemn . The pastor stood at the front in prayer , and music played . Understanding that prayer was at least the expected activity of the moment , I resumed my conversation with God on the matter of communion . Is it true that no one will see if you don 't take the bread ? Is it true we don 't care if our neighbor declines to partake ? Shouldn 't we care ? What is with this secret surrender at the altar during invitations ? Scarlet juice glimmered in the tiny plastic cup I held in my hand , and I tried to focus on what it meant . Steve Green sang a song about ten years ago titled " My Soul Found Rest . " My favorite line is " Pure white mingled with red as my Lord bled , and there my soul found rest . " Without hearing the broken , sorrowful , glorious melody , you can 't know how piercing the song is . And almost triumphant . It is praise . My soul found rest . I am redeemed . We don 't even know how to sing victory songs anymore . I don 't mean taunting songs when you beat your best friend at Spoons . But real , serious victory . They 're all over the Bible and premodern literature . Those were some sober , jubilant , and reflective songs . No flippancy could be allowed in them , for the cost had been too great . Yet they were glad songs . That 's part of what I wish our communion would be . Jesus died . He rose . Our sins are forgiven . We are part of a covenaEclectic : I found this poem on another blog tonight . I liked it , so I decided to link it . The verse is short , so enjoy . To God be all glory . From The Shaping of Things to Come page 49 and 50 : " No one is considered unworthy of belonging because they happen to be addicted to tobacco , or because they 're not married to their live - in partner . Belonging is a key value . " At this point I become concerned . We are offering community to the unsaved , community defined by Jesus ' atonement . There is no place in regular fellowship for the habitual , unrepentant sinner . Paul wrote about this problem again and again , rebuking church communities for tolerating behavior that defined them when they walked in ' darkness , ' and also specifically describing a practice like excommunication in 1 Corinthians 5 . Page 50 presents another concern : " Conversion is a process that does not begin and end with the profession of faith in Christ but begins with the Holy Spirit 's prevenient grace on the person 's life and continues through repentance for a lifetime - kingdom comes . " This one quote incorporates the most dangerous limits of doctrines implied by the ancient enemies of theology : the Calvinists and the Arminians . Saying that conversion is a process lays the responsibility for accomplishing conversion on us ( Arminianism ) , the human . This fact is immediately qualified , even countered , when they emphasize grace . Well , it 's God doing it ( Calvinism ) , and He takes a lifetime . Still , there is no mention of evangelism as preaching the gospel , of the gospel including calling on the name of the Lord . Ephesians 2 is faded into an imperceptibly slow process , until at the end you can see , " Oh yes , once I was dead . " But right now you 're just in a struggle . Everyone is just in a struggle . There is not so much a line between the enemies of God and the quickened instruments of righteousness . This is the heresy of every cult ever invented . To God be all glory . This morning in church my pastor said , " If people are following you , you 're probably a leader . " I thought that was a challenging insight worthy of being shared . To God be all glory . " Logic ! " said the Professor half to himself . " Why don 't they teach logic at these schools ? There are only three possibilities . Either your sister is telling lies , or she is made , or she is telling the truth . You know she doesn 't tell lies and it is obvious that she is not made . For the moment then and unless any further evidence turns up , we must assume that she is telling the truth . " from The Lion , the Witch , and the Wardrobe by C . S . LewisOne of my favorite stories we studied during Bible Hour was one that I 'm sure I 've read , but never noticed . In 2 Kings 7 , there is a story where the capital city of Israel was besieged by Syria . Outside the city gate lived four lepers , who were not allowed inside the city for the reason that they were " unclean " and might contaminate others with their horrible disease . Eventually the city was in dire straits , starving for lack of access to food . That is the purpose of besieging a city . You close it up , and provisions run out . So one day , the lepers had a council . If we stay here , they agreed , we will die of starvation . If we go into the city , where they don 't want us , and where there is still no food , we die of starvation . If we surrender to the Syrians , where they don 't want us , but they do have food , well , our chances look better over there . We won 't lose anything if they kill us . I kept applying the sheer logic of the lepers to life at camp and afterwards . When we 're making decisions , it may do us good to consider our options . Too seldom do we consider that though one course looks good , another may be just as good or better . Though a situation looks desperate , and all courses may run ill , there may be one with hope . Captain Sparrow says the only rule you need to know is what a man can do and what a man can 't do . I think we ought to follow God 's rules and trust to divine intervention when necessary , not only to our own abilities . But it might do well to think through a situation like Captain Sparrow did ( even when he appeared to be staggering about drunk orEclectic : It is a camp tradition to focus most pranks on the mail system . ( There was a bit of fun had with the cabin clean - up , pushing bunks against doors and crawling out the window ; or emptying even the mirrors , mattresses , and shelves along with suitcases , etc . out of the room entirely . ) If you got a package , or enough letters , you had to sing for it . If you got a postcard , they read it out loud . If something was written on the outside of an envelope , that got read , too . Then there was always the question of what was inside the letters and packages . One year I sent twenty - four letters in a box to a friend whose birthday was during the week of camp , one for every hour . The same friend received seven random letters from denture ads to a page from the encyclopedia , with letters highlighted spelling Trouble , my nickname with her used for teasing and practical jokes . I sent a mysterious forged love letter . Almost everyone was consulted for speculations on authorship . This year I limited my letters to ten , sent to various friends , family , and my cabin girls in sets of three . On the outside of some I wrote notes , like the promise not to include denture ads or pictures of girlfriends . Inside was a benign colored collage of the history of tools used for various purposes . I myself was the recipient of a package of cookies from my mom , and a postcard written from a boy I do not know , so I am quite content of its being a prank . In it the young man , who did not know my age , confessed his secret love while describing my beauty . I don 't think I even blushed while it was read , but I was glad that I didn 't need to make a big point of my singleness to the present company . Later I discovered that my little sister thought I was the age recorded on the postcard . I find that suspicious . Other jokes were to send rocks , balloons , a lot of fake mushy postcards sealed with a lipstick kiss and perfumed , and maybe even a few ( stolen earlier in the week ) hats . One of the counselors even sent her husband a postcard , which I believe mentioned pacEclectic : One of the biggest struggles I had the first few days of camp was that I kept worrying what people thought of me . Parents dropping off kids , other camp staff , the kids themselves … my imagination gave all of them sinister doubts about my competence , my enthusiasm , my age , my beauty . It was all silly . And life is not about me . I always forget . A relief to me during camp was that I had a Sunday school class full of women at home praying for my heart to be content and not worried about boys . Camp has historically been a great place of freedom and delivery in that respect , but I was concerned a little , and my friends at home knew . Prayer matters . It really helped . So I was glad there were no guys there whom I " needed " to impress . Sounds silly . Is silly . Don 't take this as making excuses , but in any case I don 't really want to be trying to impress someone . I don 't want to care about anyone 's impression of me except for God 's . If something had been " meant " to happen as a result of camp , I still needed to be focused on pleasing God . 1 Peter 3 : 3 - 4 - " Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry , or the clothing you wear - 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit , which in God 's sight is very precious . " There was a theme banquet the last night of camp , and the theme was Tool Time . I tried to think of something in my wardrobe that looked like Patricia Richardson from Home Improvement , but I really don 't like her style . It is so nineties - mom - tries - to - look - fashionable . So I brought overalls . I had a skirt , too , but I wanted to be a good sport . I also lost track of time and had not time to change , but did anyway . I had intended to find out what my girls were wearing . I remembered at the last second that I had agreed to do something just before the banquet that required me not to be in a skirt , so that was that . I was stuck . Here 's the funny part : I got a lot of compliments on my tEclectic : There were 9 girls in my narrow cabin . We ranged in age from 14 to 22 . The churches represented numbered at least 5 . By the end of the week two of them had been at the emergency room and one had had an asthma attack . In fact , let me tell you about the last night . At each activity , counselors were responsible to count , ensuring that all of their cabin was present . If they weren 't , of course , they had to be found . Something might be wrong . Right after chapel , I noticed on of my girls was missing . We discovered she and one of her close friends were counseling with the other girl 's counselor . I rejoiced that God was taking care of my girls , even if it wasn 't through me . All week I kept reminding myself , " It 's not about you . " Then one of my girls , who sprained her ankle the second day , was needing to follow doctor 's orders , but I didn 't know what the orders were , and she didn 't like the doctor 's orders ( see Authority ) . So that was stressful . I kept trying to figure out how God was going to use her sprained ankle to make the week about Him . As far as I could see , the only thing anyone talked to her about was her ankle . Another girl had dislocated her shoulder during a game the day before , so she had her arm in a sling and was icing it , but it was still swollen . In the middle of the last activity of the evening my girl with asthma had an attack , which I might add , I have never witnessed before . Another girl from our cabin , who was sitting next to her , looked up at me when I came to see why the girl with asthma was crying . " I think she needs the nurse , " the healthy girl said . Thank you very much . Um , then call a nurse ! Fortunately the nurse was present , and knew she was needed before I had to find her , so she and I and the girl left for the infirmary , where after a breathing treatment , she was doing much better . Her older sister ( also in my cabin ) joined us early on . Leaving the infirmary , I caught up with the girl who had been with the other counselor earlier , and we chatted for a while as we walEclectic : Each camper filled out a questionnaire including checking off from a list of questions which they would most like to have discussed . Top results were how to be a better witness , how to deepen my relationship with God , and how to know God 's will for my life . The last question stuck most in my head , and I was trying to figure out how I would answer it . I have chosen a non - conformist life by not going to college , moving out , or pursuing a career . My life goal is to fulfill Romans 12 : 2 , as I 've written before . And my dream is to be a wife and a mom . Whenever parents , therefore , entrust me with their kids , I get all unconfident about actually telling the kids what my choices have been lest their parents disapprove . ( Most parents want their kids going to college . ) So the approach I took was definitely more how I made my decisions , and to direct them to the spiritual side . Ultimately my choices are justified by the command to trust God , and the call to do it radically . In provision for me and my family , and in waiting for a husband , as well as direction in all the ministries and ventures each day , its been a matter of submitting my anxieties and control - issues and demands to God . Psalm 37 : 4 - 5 is precious to me : " Delight yourself in the Lord , and he will give you the desires of your heart . Commit your way to the Lord ; trust in him , and he will act . " along with Psalm 32 : 8 and Isaiah 40 : 31 . Recently the part of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus commands us not to worry , because our Heavenly Father knows that we need all these things , has been important to me . Faith needs to be radical , all - out , nothing withheld . The truth is that God didn 't leave us hanging without concrete instructions on His will for our lives . We just don 't like the advice we 're given . " Christianity has not so much been tried and found wanting , as it has been found difficult and left untried . " - - G . K . ChestertonGod tells us who we need to be , not always what to do . But that who we are determines what we do , when submitted to the parameters ofEclectic : Up in Estes Park where the camp was , the scenery and weather was so beautiful . There was a thunderstorm / downpour almost every day that turned the paths into rivers and the volleyball courts into ponds . One day we had hail right after lunch that still hadn 't melted by 10 that night . My favorite part was watching the clouds descend over the tops of the mountains into our bowl - like valley from all sides right before it rained . I wrote about one afternoon like that while I was there : Thunder echoed between the mountains just as we stepped out of the chapel . Already a gentle rain was falling . We ran for our cabins and watched the grey ceiling settle lower over our camp valley . From the porch we could see shreds of cloud pouring over the peaks on all sides . Slowly the cold fingers of the sky enclosed ranks of evergreens standing bold and tall like an army meeting an oncoming foe . We went into the dim , quiet cabin , embraced by our pillows . Vision fluttered in and out of comprehension , whispered names vibrating us awake with their resonance . The half hour was passed with rest while outside the world was rinsed with an afternoon rain , renewed for more hours ' busy trampling . To God be all glory . On the last day or two everyone is running around with a t - shirt and at least one Sharpee . People figure out odd ways to use trees , hands , backs , knees , posts , etc . as tables against which to write . The reason is : we all want a wearable hug , an autograph - shirt of memories from people at camp . Some things written can get silly . My brother can sign his name backwards and forwards . Another kid can do the same , except inverted or up - side - down ( backwards every way imaginable ) . I usually sign a verse that has been on my mind during the event . This year it was Romans 6 : 13 , accompanied by an admonition to Yield Yourself and Trust God . So many people signed my shirt , that I definitely have a keepsake there . On the last day you 've built friendships , and you get a chance to , by reading your shirt on the way home , find out what people thought of you . I know it sounds a little self - centered , but when you 're thinking that maybe you didn 't connect enough with people , or were a bit too timid , or just not energetic enough to be considered cool at camp , it is reassuring . So I 'd like to thank everyone who signed my shirt - ever , because whenever I feel like I 'm alone in the world , I have proof that I 'm not . To God be all glory . One of the testimonies a high school camper gave the last night was about identity . He 'd entered high school expecting to be known as the guy who plays football . But he didn 't get to play . So he switched to being the chem . kid , " chemistry whiz . " But he barely passed chemistry . And finally it was back to football . Only he got injured . Finally , he said , he figured out that God didn 't want him to have an ego identity . God wants us to be His servants . And God should be known through us . When I was in junior high and high school , I did Awana Bible Quizzing . And that was sort of my identity . If you wanted to hear me talk , ask with interest about quiz , and off I 'd go . My fellow quizzers could talk over the same competitions for hours , time and time again . The days on which we competed were some of the best - and most vividly remembered - of my life . It all started because all my friends were quizzing . So I joined the team , practiced , and our team screamed with excitement because we won . We were third and fourth graders , so I mean screamed . That became a sort of tradition . Each year as they announced places , our teams would squeeze each others ' hands and wait , saving up for the scream . Six years in a row , that is what happened to my team . The eighth grade year there was a three - way tie , and after several tie - breaker questions and only one team eliminated , we decided to share first place . And then it happened . The next year my team lost . Well , we didn 't lose ; we got third place . But to me anything except first place was an inky chasm that engulfed the miserable , bitter " honorable mentions . " I think I had a problem . Fortunately the next year the best part of the first place team that beat us from the year before joined up with our team , and we soared to amazing , unexpected heights . Our coach was accused of having a ringer on her team , to which she replied , " I have four ringers . " ( And four was a full team . ) During that year and the next , once again winning , I was nevertheless learning a lot aboutEclectic : During the week of camp , one of the difficulties I had actually anticipated was dealing with authority . Mind you , the people running the camp , and most of the other sub - leaders and counselors , are my friends , and I 've known them a long time . I know how they function , and typically understand them pretty well . But whenever you 're in a position of authority and also under authority , things can get confusing . I don 't want to admit that I 'm a leader . I prefer the timidity I described earlier , and decision making for other people is hard work . But if something isn 't being done well , I 'd rather do it myself . And if my instructions go against what I think is best , you may imagine I have a struggle making the authoritative instructions preeminent . My personality is independent . Nothing really big happened , but sufficient conflicts were visible that for the older girls in my cabin , I hoped they got a good example of what it means to be grown up , with your own rights and responsibilities , and to still submit . An almost - out - of - the - house teenager needs to learn these things . So it was nice to be a little transparent with the older girls , and tell them that I disagreed with some decisions , but then they could see I still followed them . My only big issue was on devotions . Counselors were instructed to prepare a devotional time for each night . We were also encouraged to be connecting with those in our cabins and focusing on their spiritual growth . So when a couple nights the schedule got adjusted enough that I wasn 't doing devotions with my cabin , it was really hard to follow the new schedule . Every other time I had a chance to talk with my girls about spiritual things was just that - chance ( well , in the Christian sort of sense ) . Evening devotions were the scheduled time where they all had to be listening , and they liked it , liked the discussions , I think . They needed to debrief from their day . I wouldn 't say the authorities were wrong in changing the schedule . It wasn 't sinful , and they didn 't mean to maEclectic : The second morning of camp , Monday , after one and a half days of camp , I was up before dawn wondering how there could be four days left . My feet and eyelids were heavy , and I couldn 't remember a time before camp . So much had happened that it felt like a week . Activities for every day included a counselor 's meeting at 6 : 30 AM , personal devotions , breakfast , cabin clean up , Bible hour , a morning activity or preparation for service , lunch , team spirit time , 30 minutes mandated by state law for us to be on our bunks ( during which time we talked , did our lessons , and said our memory verses ) , two and a half hours free time , dinner , an activity ( and the word active is in activity ) , free time , chapel , another activity , and cabin devotions with lights - out at 11 PM . By Thursday morning , the dawn of the last full day , I was wishing it weren 't so close to over ( even though the day stretched out with promise ahead of me ) . With a little more sleep worked into the schedule , I could have kept on forever . " Why ? " The intentionality of every day was energizing . You always had somewhere to go , and it was hard to waste time . Days were spent fellowshipping with other Christians , with ministry thrown in naturally . I didn 't have to make decisions about what I should fix for lunch . There was a lot of prayer , Bible study , and worship going on . " Why ? " againWhy is that better than everyday life down from the literal mountaintop ? Here I get distracted . There are things I did quite well without , like shopping and tv and even computers . I don 't have my day scheduled , so I waste time deciding what to do and getting motivated to do it . My friends and I have to work to spend time together . And God gets considerably less time and focus . " How ? " How could things be different ? I think life down here could be more like camp . For starters , we could have prayer / devotional meetings in the early mornings . And every evening we could rotate houses and do a mini , no - practice - necessary worship service where we share what God has taught us recenEclectic : I 've been out of the camp scene for a few years . The last time I was there , those who just graduated this year were about to be freshmen . Adjusting to the fact that they 're all basically adults with plans and responsibility was hard . For one thing , some of them were still awkward and obnoxious adolescents when last I was at camp . Kids I thought were hopelessly irretrievable pests are still themselves , but now they 're leaders , self - controlled ( relative to what they were ) , and considerate of others . The gifts that were puzzling them as freshmen are blooming into ministries and life - directions . To God be all glory . The last several months our Sunday school class has been going through a series on building Intimacy with God . My topics have been Isolation and Nothing Withheld , which when I looked over my journals at the beginning of the series , were the subjects that have most drawn me to God . Our series uses an acronym based on John 15 's vine and branches metaphor . It is ABIDING . At our counselor orientation meeting they camp directors told us that the object of the week , the prayer the camp board had been praying , was that the kids would grow in intimacy with God . Our first counselor devotion was taken from John 15 , and dealt with abiding in the branch , our source for bearing fruit . And finally one of the testimonies given by a Varsity camper on the last evening was all about burdens , giving them to God , and trusting God to get you through tough times . The " coincidences " showed me how providentially God had been preparing my spirit to minister to the campers that week . And the further lessons refreshed and influenced my preparation for teaching Sunday school when I got back . There 's always the chance , too , that God is trying to get these truths into my life . Repetition is a powerful tool . To God be all glory . The last several months our Sunday school class has been going through a series on building Intimacy with God . My topics have been Isolation and Nothing Withheld , which when I looked over my journals at the beginning of the series , were the subjects that have most drawn me to God . Our series uses an acronym based on John 15 's vine and branches metaphor . It is ABIDING . At our counselor orientation meeting they camp directors told us that the object of the week , the prayer the camp board had been praying , was that the kids would grow in intimacy with God . Our first counselor devotion was taken from John 15 , and dealt with abiding in the branch , our source for bearing fruit . And finally one of the testimonies given by a Varsity camper on the last evening was all about burdens , giving them to God , and trusting God to get you through tough times . The " coincidences " showed me how providentially God had been preparing my spirit to minister to the campers that week . And the further lessons refreshed and influenced my preparation for teaching Sunday school when I got back . There 's always the chance , too , that God is trying to get these truths into my life . Repetition is a powerful tool . To God be all glory . I mentioned spiritual warfare , and I have to mention that one young lady had brought a song to camp to audition . The song was Fight for Me , by Danny Oertli , and the lyrics talk about sensing the spirits in the air and crying out to God , who is greater than he who is in the world , to fight for me . And I , feeble little child of God who would rather worry , will remain still . The girl was rehearsing all alone in the community room of our lodge . From down the hall I could hear her enchanting voice pour out the folk - like melody . As soon as I entered her sight , she stopped . Which was the story of her day . She had stage fright , had misplayed a chord on her guitar when she auditioned but was still allowed to sing . Usually she only sang in her bedroom with no audience . We talked for a while , and I tried to encourage her . That night she still looked really nervous , so I got to pray with her before she sang ( and for her as she sang ) . She did great . And God fought for us , I know , because we could sense the opposition . The adversary wanted to defeat her , to keep her afraid . But God fought for her . To God be all glory . During my week at camp I was preparing for a Sunday school lesson in which we were studying Ephesians . One of the points was the fact that the unsaved are governed by the lusts of their flesh and of their mind , and those lusts war against the Spirit in a Christian . One afternoon early into the camp week I was wandering around during free time trying to be a counselor . I was doing what my mind knew I was supposed to do , what I thought I should do , and what would satisfy me as completing the responsibility . Most of my campers were dispersed to the far corners of camp that I had not yet discovered , and the rest were playing volleyball . Reassuring myself that they were old enough to be independent and smart enough to have brought friends to camp with them , I sat down to wonder what I should do . At least they weren 't clinging on me like the JV girls were to their counselors . But I began to wonder if my charges didn 't need me why God even had me there . By the evening I had thoroughly repented . I was back to actually communicating with God , content to wait for His opportunities rather than manufacturing my own . When the evening praise began I phased into my own prayer . I needed to be reminded who God was . Just to focus on Him . At first . I needed it . And right there , the first song was all about God and His attributes , His power , holiness , and glory . God heard me . And the next day I did wait for him , and the day went so much better . I gained insight into my campers - and others , as well . I had purpose but it was to wait on God and obey His promptings . It was to fellowship more with Him . To God be all glory . The chapel messages each night of camp were about Nehemiah , and his leadership . Our theme was Tool Time , so we ran with the building connotations and settled on building the wall of Jerusalem . Those eligible for camp have generally a lot of Bible knowledge and are comparatively more mature than your average Christian teenager . We had as our object encouraging the deepening of their relationships with God and as always , training them to serve Him . So I guess the messages could apply to them . While I sat there , I was sure God was speaking directly to me . Young , first time , typically timid counselor gets nightly pep talk from her Master . He takes her on different aspects of leadership from the fact that we 're all just servants , vessels for His use to the need for boldness . Nehemiah was a real man who exercised real leadership over real people in real situations . I forget sometimes that Bible heroes really are human . It was probably even harder for Nehemiah to ask for three years ' leave from his job than it would be for my dad . Think about it . Yet he prayed and then obeyed . The counselors of the Varsity ( High School ) group were charged with overseeing the Varsity service project of the week : doing the chapel service the last night for the younger kids . This involved prayer , skits , service , worship , special music , testimonies , and interspersing themselves with the Junior Varsity to keep attention directed . Through the fault of camp leaders who " hang loose " and long - distance telephone static , I expected to be assigned a sphere of responsibility - or even assistance . Understand that I 'm young for a high school counselor , got my application in late , and was chosen to be with the high school group only a few weeks before the camp . So I assumed most of the important jobs were already filled , and I would fill in where needed . Enter application of Chapel messages on leadership . Some counselors knew their roles . Most of us were clueless . The leaders , as much wanting to form leaders out of their counselors as to leEclectic : " Hang loose ! " It made me laugh that our Camp Speaker , an Awana missionary & pastor in Illinois , was using the phrase with a corresponding wave - like gesture to me . I 'm midwest as Marianne on Gilligan 's Island , and a " sheltered little church girl , " but it was fun . It was also the message I needed just then . A day or so later I asked him what it means . The meaning seems obvious , but I was looking for history . He just picked it up from a friend . I am imparting to you now the knowledge of research : hang looseTo do nothing . To be relaxed and unperturbed by one 's surroundings , etc . - from allwords . comto hang loose is to be cool , you are going with the flowIt is a surfing slang from your posture when you are totally comfortable standing on a surfboard , in control but just riding the wave - from Yahoo Answers … in Hawaii the same gesture [ pinky and thumb pointed out of a fist like a bulls head - similarly used as a Texas Longhorn symbol ] pointed forward , and waggled a bit , means " Hang Loose " , a friendly signal of commeraderie among the locals , which I 've noticed tends to stick in the minds of the tourists even after they go home . And since rich people tend to visit Hawaii often , well , you can extrapolate from there . To God be all glory . When I first got to camp almost two weeks ago - how time flies ! - I could tell we were under spiritual attack . The camp director 's wife had experienced a broken wrist in the past week and a flat tire that morning . I myself discovered that my clock which I bring everywhere , not being fond of watches , would not work . I use my cell phone , and apparently it refuses to keep time without service . On top of a mountain , several miles from any city , is not a good place for cell phone service . How would I wake up at the unheard of hour of dawn each morning ? The camp asked us not to use scotch , duct , or masking tape to decorate our cabins - protecting the old paint on the walls . Instead , we were offered that blue painters tape , which won 't pull tape off walls . Why ? Because it doesn 't stick . That 's for what its made , to not stick . Nor would it hold up the decorations I brought - not even streamers . I was rather beside myself with giddy nervousness , reuniting with friends , acquainting myself with the ladderless bunks above the sandy wood floor , and the above mentioned frustrations . Mom to the rescue delivered to me my dad 's wristwatch , and he taught me how to use it . I don 't know what he did for the week , but it was such a relief . You know if I were running a camp store , I would have in it the " Oops ! I forgot ( blank ) at home " items : toothbrush , deodorant , batteries , film , postcards , chocolate , and alarm clocks . Definitely alarm clocks . No such luck . Thank you , Dad ! The frustrations of day one were pointers to God , though . By the end of the day I knew I needed Him , and had cried out to Him from free - fall mode several times . One of the younger girls in my cabin had a similar first day ( forgot her towel and pillow , lost her hairbrush : cue up Veggie Tales ! ) , and I felt like our shared experience was a gift of God for us to connect . Spiritual warfare continued during the week . Especially during invitations and Bible hour , chipmunks would visit the chapel or equipment would malfunction or some silly counselor ( yoEclectic : One of the things that happened at camp this week ( and there will be a lot more to come ) was worship . First of all , worship is a lifestyle lived recognizing and responding to God 's worthiness . It is a life - sacrifice . At camp the praise services every night were remarkable . Everyone sang , and we didn 't need a lot of instrumental back up . So we could hear voices . The songs were familiar and new , a pleasant mix . The leaders knew the service wasn 't about them . Personally , God gave me exactly what I needed in the songs . When I needed to focus on who He is , that was the subject of the next song . The other thing about our songs that I appreciated was their truth . I don 't know if you 've ever thought about it , but a lot of the worship songs and even hymns have some strange theology in them . Songs are made to just sound good or emotional or happy . At my church there are some songs I just don 't sing . There is one that says , " Holy Spirit rain down . " Now what are they saying ? Do we really pray to the Holy Spirit ? I pray to God the Father , with intercession from the Spirit , in the name of Jesus . And rain down ? Isn 't He already here , indwelling us ? At camp the songs we sang were simple and Jesus / God - centered . There is an article I found tonight that deals a little with this subject . Find it here . I want to encourage you to think about what you sing . Is it true ? Do you mean it ? If it is worship , is it focused on God or on you ? Go deeper . Are you testifying about God to others ? Are you praying to Him ? Praising to Him ? Are you lamenting to Him ? Is the song about God 's character or His activity or His revelation ? How does God want to be worshiped ? When you sing , are you thinking about sounding good , looking good , or what the person behind you is doing ? Are you enjoying a well - rehearsed performance ? Is the electric guitar ( or the organ ) more prominent than the voices of God 's people ? What should it be ? Another thought I had coming home from camp is that we sing in our churches in the morning time . At camp we sang every night ( and I life ,

19 Comments » Make - up is a little like sugar on cereal . The longer your kids don 't know about it , the better . And then of course when they do finally find out about it , they have a tendency to pile it on . And so it breaks my heart to say that The Pixie - at the ripe age of five and through no fault of her own - has discovered makeup in a Big Way . It 's all because I thought she should do dancing . You know , as a bit of exercise and as something to do that was entirely for her and had nothing to do with her brothers . The dance school I chose seemed so relaxed - kids did the class in their school uniforms and without proper shoes . It was cheap , it was local , she was happy , I was happy . But then we hit The Concert Season and everything spun rapidly spun Out . Of . Control . Suddenly , I found myself faced with a list of make - up requirements that looked like it 'd been issued by the wardrobe department of Priscilla , Queen of the Desert . I was dishing out money at every turn for special stockings , flesh - coloured underwear , makeup , hairspray , bobby pins , concert DVDs and photos and discovering that the inclusion of the word " ballet " or " dance " in any item 's description had the same effect as the word " wedding " - it doubled the price instantly . Still , I had come this far and it was too late to pull out without letting anyone down ( The Pixie most of all ) . And so I dutifully turned up at the theatre for the dress rehearsal at the appointed time with my child and all the requisite accoutrements . I had even managed to hang two ( out of the four ) costumes on hangers with a plastic shopping bag draped carefully over them . I felt pretty damn good about myself - after all , it 's hard to find spare hangers in The House That Ate Paris . And the plastic bag showed that I was a mindful mother who didn 't want her child 's costumes to get unduly soiled ( or at the very least the shoulders of the costumes , since that was all the plastic bag covered ) . Then I saw the other mothers arriving with zippered suit bags and fold - out hanging racks and suddenly I felt like I may as well have screwed the costumes up in a wad and stuffed them at the bottom of a bag with a wet towel from swimming lessons , such was the level of " care " I 'd obviously taken . It turns out that all this time I 'd been smiling and waving and exchanging small - talk with other parents when I dropped The Pixie off at her lesson , there were all these Bona Fide Stage Mothers walking amongst us , who only revealed their true identities at Concert Time . These women took things very very seriously . They had check - lists . They had separate little zip - lock bags for each costume accessory . They " shusshhhhed " other children when they spoke above a whisper in the dressing room . It was enough to make an NDM turn to drink - except a little talk to the parents before the dress rehearsal from the Dance Teacher put an end to that particular avenue of relief . STRICTLY NO ALCOHOL BACK STAGE , was the clear message she delivered - while looking directly at me , no less . " She 's looking at me ! How does she know ? " I whispered . And then I remembered the rather loud conversation Miss Jones and I had had in the theatre carpark about ten minutes beforehand which went something like this : THE NDM : I wish you 'd bought a hip flask , too … . Only I 'm not joking . In fact , I don 't think I 've ever been more serious in my life . Anyway , somewhat disheartened , we returned to our Stage Motherly duties where I watched the Miss Jones put makeup on her daughter , hoping I could learn something . For someone who is always so well - groomed herself , Miss Jones did such terrible job that I burst out laughing . My , how I laughed . But my laughter quickly dried up when I started doing my own daughter 's face , turning her from a naturally beautiful five - year - old into an extra from Michael Jackson 's Thriller in a matter of minutes . " Don 't take the black stuff off , Mama ! " my little girl cried , when I tried to make amends . " It 's sooooo lovely ! " " Yes , lovely for a Panda Bride , my love , " I replied . But the more I tried to fix things up , the worse I made it and it rapidly got to the point where it physically hurt me to look at my own child 's face . And so , it was with a very heavy heart indeed that I sent my daughter off to the stage and slipped into my seat in the auditorium . Honestly , why the hell am I doing this ? I thought to myself . I mean , there I was , literally haemorrhaging money so I could stick my five - year - old daughter on the stage looking like Christina Aguilera in " Lady Marmalade " and I couldn 't even get drunk while doing it . And then the auditorium lights dimmed and the curtains parted . And I saw my little daughter gaze up in wonder at the stage lights overhead and be struck by that very same lightning bolt that once struck me many many years ago . And I cried . I cried because I still remembered that feeling of being on the stage for the first time after 33 years . I cried because I was so proud of my daughter , freak show make - up and all . And I cried because I knew it was entirely likely that I 'd go out and buy ziplock bags the very next day and well and truly begin my descent into Stage Mother Hell … Stay tuned for the second part of this exciting NDM adventure on Wednesday , entitled " Concert " … In the meantime , nobody tell my kids about sugar on cereal , okay ? I don 't think I can take it right now . Read Full Post » 10 Comments » I was faced with an etiquette dilemma a few months back when I received a text announcing the birth of a baby . Unfortunately , the number wasn 't stored in my phone and there were no details in the text itself that gave away the identity of the parents . I mean , what would you have done ? At the risk of sounding like a quiz out of Dolly magazine , would you : In the end , I was so paralyzed by uncertainty I ended up going with c ) . And a few days later , I received an email from long - serving friend ( and erstwhile reader of this blog ) Madame Zap that revealed not only that she was the mysterious texter ( and now newly - mother - of - three ) but that the text had in fact been sent from the delivery bed . I felt terrible . And not just because her mobile number details had obviously dropped out of my phone 's address book in one of three recent phone changes . Mostly I felt terrible because if had been me texting from the delivery bed , I 'd like to think people could be bothered texting back . It doesn 't take that much effort to punch out a few words on your phone , you know . Unlike , say , pushing something the size of a small planet , for example , through your watoosy . Just sayin ' . Of course I immediately set about making amends and went out and bought a card and a present for the baby . Which then sat unsent on my desk for four long months . Etiquette failure number two . And so , in the end , I had no choice but to drive across town to Madame Zap 's house with The Pixie and Tiddles McGee to hand - deliver both card and present . It was the only way to sort out this whole mess . Now , I should point out here that Madame Zap had moved to a rather ritzy suburb since we 'd last met . I had some trepidation about going there because the last time I 'd driven ' round those parts I 'd been with the whole family in the Love Bus and it was a little like the Beverly Hill Billies rolling into town . I think some local residents actually had to wash out their eyes after seeing us driving down their immaculate hedge - lined streets and , had they known where their gardeners stored the pitchforks , they probably would have tried to chase us out . This time , however , I was driving the Star Wagon and therefore cloaked in the power of the Light Commercial Vehicle . Thus , I could easily pass myself off as a courier delivering a package . And since I was actually delivering a present or card , my story was water - tight - you know , just in case a member of the Local Citizen Action Group challenged me as I tried to enter the suburb . Which , somewhat disappointingly , they didn 't . Anyway , it was lovely to catch up with Madame Zap , to meet the latest addition to her family and to see her beautiful new house . And it was a blessed relief to finally hand over the card and present . And that might have been the happy end to this story , EXCEPT for some further breaches of etiquette I committed while there that have been weighing on my mind ever since , including : 3 ) changing Tiddles McGee 's shit - packed nappy in the back of the Star Wagon and in full view of the neighbourhood . Lord knows how you even start making amends for that lot . Any suggestions ? Anyone ? 16 Comments » I am reluctant to call myself a " Writer " . I feel it 's a bit disingenuous to hang my whole identity on an activity I do less than 5 % of the time - if that . I mean , I spend 33 . 3 % of my time sleeping ( or trying to sleep ) and I don 't go around calling myself a Sleeper or even ( more accurately ) an Aspiring Sleeper . Of course , one might argue that so much of what I do with the rest of my time informs my writing and I 'm always thinking about it - thinking , thinking , thinking … But then , one might also argue that so much of what I eat informs my bowel output . ' Nuff said . Of course , the time he said that to me , we were staying in Blinkton at my mother 's house , which is at least 50 km from the nearest street cafe - unless a cup of instant coffee in a polystyrene cup drunk while squatting outside the local truck stop counts . Is that behaviour befitting a Writer ? I can 't remember Nicole Kidman doing it during her turn as Virginia Wolf in " The Hours " so I 'd say not . ( Note to self : must buy prosthetic nose ) . Anyway , it must be said my husband goes a bit strange when we 're in the country , and not just because he often does a lot of goddamn writing there . For one thing , he fancies himself as a bit of a Country Boy and starts offering to write " Spirit Of The Man On The Land " guest posts for my blog . For another thing , he makes grand statements like " I understand The Land . Unlike you city writers . You 're like Vincent von Gogh staggering drunk around my sunflower plantation . OF COURSE the sunflowers are going to look all squiggly when you 've drunk that much absynthe . " And I 'd say he has a good point if he wasn 't being such a goddamn writer about it . Anyway , if you 're wondering what has sparked all this writer talk , I 'll give you the lowdown . I just got one step closer to being able ( but perhaps not yet willing ) to legitimately call myself a Writer . As of yesterday , I became a guest blogger on kidspot . com . au . There 's a retro - NDM piece up there now but there may be some freshly - baked posts up there one day soon . Oooh , look at me ! I 'm a guest blogger on a major Australian parenting site ! La - di - dah ! Of course , the minute I turned off the engine or ( more daring still ) kept the engine running and tried to do " The Transfer " into the house , their eyes would spring right open as if to say " Just forget about it ! Let 's pretend the whole damn thing never happened ! " And then their mood would be even less charming than before the micro - sleep ( i . e . more screaming ) and they would somehow use those 2 minutes of sleep as leverage to stay up at least one hour later than usual ( still screaming ) . Tiddles McGee is the worst of them all . Even now , he can fall asleep in the car in the 1km between the school and home . I 've tried repeatedly shouting " STAY AWAKE ! " , singing show tunes at the top of my voice and getting the other children to poke him . When it 's just him and me , I 've even taken to throwing balled - up tissues at him from the driver 's seat . He just shouts " I 'm not sleeping . I 'm RESTING ! " and then somehow still manages to fall asleep . It always reminds me of this game show I once saw in Japan where a group of people were strapped into a bus without sides or a roof and driven through walls of fire and swarms of wasps . And all the time they were expected to try to complete a complicated maths problem on these little blackboards . Oh , and the host was dressed up as a bottle of sake . Now , obviously nobody is dressed up as a bottle of sake in Tiddles ' situation . Well , not yet anyway . My point is that Tiddles McGee could be a passenger on that Bus of Weird and still fall asleep . TIddles loves it . He stays awake just to go " Ooooooo ! " as we pull into our driveway . Result . Of course , I hadn 't taken into account the long - haul car trip and my children 's staying power when I came up with this particular game . On a recent trip to my mother 's , we hadn 't even hit the outskirts of the city and my husband was beginning to twitch uncontrollably from the constant stream of " Boom - boom - booms ! " and " Trucky - ucky - ucky - ucks ! ! " . I just sat quietly in my seat , shrugging my shoulders and rolling my eyes slightly , as if to say " Kids ! Who 'd have ' em ! " , like I had Nothing Whatsoever to do with all this hullabaloo . But when one of the kids asked me what they should say when they saw a bus and I let out a rapid - fire " Bussity - Bussity - Bussity - Bussiteeeeeeee ! " , he turned to me with the kind of look that let me know in uncertain terms I had ruined his life . Luckily for my marriage , the further you drive into the country , the less there is of everything and eventually the children fell silent . And Tiddles McGee ? Well , he fell asleep about five kilometres from my mother 's door , which is the country - equivalent of 50 city metres , and then bounced off the walls until 10 : 30pm . Which , in my humble opinion , is far worse than a car - full of kids shouting " UTILLA THE HUN ! " every time they see a ute . But then , that 's just me . You might think this is coincidental but in fact we knew PJ long before Mr Justice burst into our world and he actually helped us settle on [ Justice ] as the name for our firstborn son . You see , when I was heavily pregnant , my husband rang PJ to ask his opinion . For not only was PJ funny , handsome and clever and like some kind of walking advertisement for the name of [ Justice ] , he had also tried and tested it in the schoolyards of Western Australia . I think the telephone conversation started off with my husband saying something like " We 're not stalking you , but … " and PJ was able to tell him , with great confidence , " I have never had a problem with my name ! " shortly before taking out a restraining order on us and / or moving to Amsterdam . Can 't remember which . A few years later , there came a time when PJ and his wife lived in the same city as us and they would come over on Saturday nights and teach us how to play Texas Hold ' Em poker . It was around this time that I earnt my fearsome reputation ' round the card table as " The Serpent Queen " and they moved interstate , although they said that the two events weren 't related . They said . Anyway , the Pixie thinks PJ is very handsome . I know this because she told me so . " He 's very handsome ! " she announced brightly one day , after a brief interstate visit from PJ . Then she added , somewhat dreamily : " He has King Hair ! " King Hair ? I was intrigued . Even more so when she made another King Hair pronouncement about an older boy she 'd been following around at a party , all wide - eyed and doting , no doubt basking in the glow of his King Hair . The boy 's hair wasn 't anything like PJ 's … but then I thought maybe , just maybe , it 's not about the actual hair . Maybe it 's about the quality of the man behind the hair . Maybe my daughter is already an astute judge of character at the ripe old age of five . Of course my husband couldn 't resist asking her if he himself was blessed with " King Hair " and she said " Yes " , but in that way that made it clear she was only saying " Yes " because she knew he wanted her to say yes . But when I asked The Pixie later in private , she confirmed his King Hair status . And she explained herself further : for hair to be considered king - like , it had to be " smooth " . By which I think she meant " straight " or maybe even just " combed " . There went my " quality of the man " theory … although , there 's a lot to be said for a man who maintains personal grooming standards . Still , as a turn of phrase , " King Hair " conjured up such visions of romance in my mind that I felt a little unnerved . Surely my little girl shouldn 't be thinking about romance until she was old enough to read those Sweet Valley High books ? ( That 's apparently somewhere around third grade ) . But then I remembered how , when I myself was five , I used to draw pictures of princes and princesses holding hands together on the inside cover of my colouring - in books . I remember the flush of excitement I 'd get imagining myself holding hands with such a prince , who always had dark hair and dark eyes ( my own " King Hair " equivalent ) . Of course , it took me years and years ( and years ! ) of heart - ache before a certain red - headed blue - eyed man met me at Bristol Temple Meads Station and took my hand , and then went on to marry me ( although not at Bristol Temple Meads Station , I hasten to add ) . Just the other day , I ventured to the science museum with five children , all under the age of six . And look , before you say anything , I thought it was a good idea . I truly did . And really , it mostly did turn out to be a good idea except , well … It 's just that when you 're on your own with that many children under six for over two hours , you pretty much can count on doing at least one toilet trip per child . And because you have to take everyone with you each time , you spend another big chunk of time persuading the non - toilet - needing children why it 's a good thing to leave the fun museum stuff and do yet another tour of the toilet facilities . It 's therefore fair to say you 're going to spend at least half of your allotted time either in - or traveling to or from - the toilet . Luckily for me , this particular museum had " family facilities " which are multi - gendered places with plenty of wide spaces for prams , water - play and tantrums . Would that it were so in all public venues . Now that Mr Justice is seven and more prone to catching " girls ' germs " , he refuses point blank to go into the women 's toilets . And legally , I 'm not sure of his status in there anyway . So I often find myself wedging the female toilet door open so that I may observe the toileting activities of The Pixie and still keep an eye on Mr Justice outside , while Tiddles McGee merrily runs back and forth between the two . Happier still are those times I 've had to lurk right outside the men 's toilets shouting out " Are you okay ? " every five seconds , whilst explaining to other toilet patrons and passersby that " My son 's in there ! " and " I don 't normally make a habit of this . No , really . " Is it little wonder I prefer to use the disabled toilets when out and about on my own with the kids ? Of course , I do it with a heavy conscience and only after scouting out for people who look like they might need it more than us first . I remember someone once said to me " Why shouldn 't disabled people have to wait for the toilet like the rest of us ? " causing me to mutter something along the lines of " Um , because the rest of us are having a much easier time of things , really " and terminate my friendship with said person on the spot . Anyway , back at the museum , we 'd just done toilet trip # 4 and were back looking at actual exhibits ( as opposed to tap fittings ) , when Master J made a surprise announcement . I shouldn 't have been surprised - after all , this is the child from past posts such as " Poo - tential " and " All The World 's A Toilet " - but I was surprised . Mostly because toilet stop # 4 had actually been for Master J . " How did this happen ? ? ? " I asked Master J , as I rounded up everyone for the fifth time . " My bottom opened up and I pushed the poo through , " was his measured response - which admittedly answered my question , albeit in a way that made me want to plunge my mind in bleach . As we trekked back to the toilet ( some of us more comfortably than others ) , I felt a wave of despair wash over me . Not only did I have to deal with the Unknown Horror in Master J 's pants , but the fact I had no spare clothes meant I 'd have to bring the museum trip to an untimely end and find some way of getting the disappointed five - under - six safely out to the car against their will . Luckily for us all , it ended up being the smallest amount . I quickly scrubbed the undies and hung them on the pram handle to dry ( I 'm both resourceful and classy ) and Master J happily went commando for the rest of what turned out to be a pleasant afternoon . Disaster averted . That night , when I recounted my toilet adventures to my husband over a glass ( or three ) of Recovery Wine , he said " I know you 're like some kind of Super Mum , but next time you find yourself in charge of five - under - six , maybe it 'd be best to stay at home " . Shee - itt , I ain 't no Super Mum , I thought to myself . Not even close . But let me tell you all now : if I were , I 'd definitely be one of those really smart superheroes that has a sidekick to delegate all those toilet trips to . That 's . For . Sure . 16 Comments » You can imagine my initial panic when Mr Justice lost his first tooth and promptly swallowed it along with a mouthful of dinner . I had this sudden vision of the kind of retrieval process I 'd have to undertake to get the tooth back and thus was extremely quick to persuade him that the gap in his mouth was all the supporting evidence the Tooth Fairy needed for his compensation claim . That night , my three children banded together to submit that claim to the Tooth Fairy - in the form of a elaborate offering including food , drink and a hand - woven blanket made of grass . Mr Justice even carefully wrote a letter using the Official Fairy Alphabet , as laid out in " The Big Book About Fairies " , which made me secretly smile because it made the word " this " looked like " pis " . Gotta love the Official Fairy Alphabet . Anyway , this was a Big Moment in my seven year - old 's life - especially since it had already been many months since he had been proclaimed the only kid in his class yet to lose a tooth . " I am so very proud of myself , " Mr Justice said to me , all happy - gappy grins , as I tucked him in that night . He then added : " This is better than wonderful ! " And then : " I can 't wait to get that twenty bucks . " Twenty bucks ? It was my second flash of panic that evening . Was that really the going rate for babyteeth these days ? Why , that 's 20 teeth x $ 20 x 3 kids … a whopping $ 1200 in Tooth Fairy fees and , indeed , the kind of pricing structure that my oral surgeon would be proud to call his own . Zoinks ! It turns out that his expectations weren 't exactly that unrealistic : one of his best friends had recently received $ 20 for a single tooth . Which happened to be the same friend who got a Nintendo Wii from Santa the Christmas Mr Justice got a Matchbox car and an orange . Which also happens to be the very reason why I think there should be some kind of Parenting Charter that sets things like maximum spending amounts for Gifts From Santa and caps tooth fairy rates so that you 're never put in a position where you have to explain to your son why it seems The Tooth Fairy likes Johnny Down The Road more than him . Anyway , the fact of the matter was that Mr Justice was quietly confident the morning would see him $ 20 richer . Luckily for me and my bank account , however , I remembered that he was still of an age where a handful of coins looks like much more money than a single plastic note . And so , when he woke the next day to find all the Fairy food and drink all gone and his once - empty glass overflowing with five cent pieces , he was satisfied . " I hid under my sheet and stayed awake until 2 o ' clock in the morning ! " he told me , his eyes shining brightly , not knowing I 'd found him propped up with three pillows and snoring at 10pm . " I even heard the Tooth Fairy drinking the water ! She made a lot of noise and drank for a very very long time . " Which was probably just his father " making space " in the fridge . And that morning , a wave of fairy - fever washed over all three of my children , who busied themselves making a little house for the fairies who lived in the garden and searched the house for further evidence of fairy visitations in the night . When an empty Milo tin moved across the ( wet ) kitchen table , pushed by forces unseen , Mr Justice was beside himself with excitement . And then I thought : I should definitely draw up that Parenting Charter before a ) the next tooth falls and b ) Mr Justice begins to comprehend the buying power of the Australian dollar compared to that of the Australian five cent coin . Yes , definitely . Read Full Post » @ ImpressPrize Thanks for the good news ! I like to think length doesn 't matter when it comes to chapters . It 's what … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … Twittered 1 day ago

• May 15 , 2013 • Leave a Comment If you live in NYC and pay attention to Jazz , I 'm pretty sure you 've heard about Tim Berne 's recent week at the stone with Snakeoil and other groups . Snakeoil is a current ( well deserved ) favorite in the Jazz world , but they don 't play live too often . When they played three nights in a row , two things happened : people took the opportunity to go see them , and the music was on the highest level it 's ever been . I 'm not saying that myself , in fact due to circumstances beyond my control , I couldn 't go to the shows . I 'm saying that because Tim Berne ( who I 've only seen excited twice in my life ) expressed his disbelief in how great and crazy the music was over the week . Also , Matt Mitchell has said that it was the most fun he 's ever had playing music . Take it as you will , but that clinches it for me . The day before their week started , the entire band was at another concert , the Craig Taborn trio at Roullette , celebrating nothing in particular . It 's their first NYC date since their new record came out on ECM , and the troops came out to support . Apart from the Berne crew , audience members included Bill Frisell ( who I watched buy the record . Hilarious ) , numerous ECM record executive types , Mat Maneri , Jacob Sacks , Carlo DeRosa , and about a million other people who I can 't remember , regulars and one - offs alike . No one was murmuring about wondering what they were going to hear , because they knew exactly what they were going to get , which was one of the most consistent trios of its generation giving the audience the potent cocktail of hyper - complex forms and figures ( All memorized . Unreal ) with the air of complete freedom and interaction . The band was so great together , everything was malleable depending on the actions of each member . Nothing could happen that would through the group off of its seat in the constant flow of musical ideas that went on for the solid hour and a half they played . A moment on Craig Taborn 's pianism : ridiculous . The " normal " chops ( fast notes , time , etc . ) that he very obviously has were overshadowed for me by his touch , his dynamics , his articulation through soft passages , and his part independence ( Bach - style voice movement ) . Pianism is one of those things that every time you see it done right , it ruins other piano playing for you for a while . Craig understands the piano in a way that few others do . I don 't feel the need to comment on Thomas or Gerald 's musicality . I think that anyone who has ever heard either of them play anything gets that by now . I only comment on Craig 's technique because I feel like people don 't quite know that he has it yet , due to his fame as a keyboardist . That doesn 't mean that it 's news , however , he 's been a monster for a while . Oh , and just in case the people in the audience didn 't know he was a beast , the encore was the fastest and most complex tune I 've heard anyone play for a while , and it was flawless . Shoutouts to badass encores . Keeping the dream alive . Now if each member of each of these bands quit music for 6 months and then reunited , I 'd go to both concerts , pay double what they cost , and love every second , let me just preface with that . However , hearing about Snakeoil after a 3 day run in NYC , and hearing the effectively perfect Taborn trio after a year or so of touring just made me ( drool , first off ) think about how things could be if creative bands could still play weeks , or be constantly on tour these days . My favorite bands these days rarely get to play at all . Three unnamed favorite bands of mine have not toured in years , have never toured longer than 10 days , and have never played more than one day in a row at any venue in NYC . It was the first time that it really hit me that the financial situation is hurting the music in a purely creative sense , due to the simple fact that there is no substitute for performing music live in front of people who know what they 're listening for . People can come close , of course . Most musicians will practice with these groups all the time , sometimes daily , but there is an edge , there has to be . Thomas , Craig , and Gerald , as masterful as they are , do have peers who are just as amazing as them who don 't get the chance to play like they do , and it showed . There was a polish and a comfort on their music that you can 't see on many other bands , not something that makes the unpolished music suffer , but something that is just the cherry on the top , that intangible that makes the Miles quintet or Mingus and Danny Richmond just sound different . • April 30 , 2013 • Leave a Comment When I saw the sign " Blues for Smoke " Whitney ad on the subway , I got right rearing mad . Someone 's stealing Jaki Byard 's thunder , I thought , and I 'm the only one on the train who knows it . In full angry - letter - writing mode , I went online to check it out immediately , and found that , oh my , they 're actually paying homage to Jaki Byard . I thought initially that it was Jason Moran 's doing , I know that he has had some connection to the Whitney in the past , and that he would certainly love the chance to get Jaki 's name out there . All I could find out was that the impetus came from The Museum of Contemporary Art in LA , curated by a man named Bennett Simpson . I didn 't get farther than that before going to check out the exhibit , which was promising contemporary art from the blues aesthetic . Count me in . It was quite the exhibit , with an installation playing Blue Train at three different places , angular contemporary art , a giant mural eulogizing Jazz artists that died before their time , Booker Little , Bessie Smith , Bird . A room dedicated to beat lingo , with translations to English and German . Headphones playing Blues for Smoke and Young at Heart in their entirety . Best of all was a room of televisions , all sound blaring all the time , with the rare Jaki Byard documentary " Anything for Jazz " , a live show of the Art Ensemble of Chicago , a piece from the also rare Mal Waldron documentary " A Portrait " , and Duke Ellington 's picture form the 30s about him writing a symphonic work . All going at the same time . I was a kid in a candy store . Once I left , I decided I wanted to go back . I checked the website again to find that there was a concert series that was accompanying the show . When I saw Annette Peacock 's name , I almost fainted . Now I don 't actually know much about Annette 's music . I know her compositions , as they compile about a third of Paul Bley 's repertoire , and I know her importance in the world of synthesizers , Robert Moog gave one of his first synthesizers to Annette , and she was reportedly the one who convinced Paul to switch over to playing with them . I know that she toured with Ayler . I don 't know any of her recorded music , or what she 's been doing for the last 40 years . I did know that I 'd never seen her name on a schedule anywhere , anytime ( and I do keep track of these things ) . Luckily , while I was in the gargantuan line for the show , I saw Manny Maris from one of NYC 's best record stores , DMG looking to get in , and he joined me in line ( I don 't really know him , but he recognized me . Let 's just say I 'm a regular . Or an addict . Whatever . ) . When I told him that I didn 't know anything about Annette he ( after expressing his disappointment ) gave me the full run down , about her eventual foray into prog rock , about Bowie offering her the Keyboard position on Ziggy Stardust and her turning it down , about the complex record label situation that turned her off to making creative music without complete control . He confirmed that this was her first American show in 12 years , and her 3rd show / stint worldwide since 2000 . Funny enough , although I had no clue what to expect before talking to Manny , I now had absolutely no idea what to expect . What I got started with a video . It was basically of lolcats ( older readers ) that morphed into hideous abominations of themselves before morphing again into beautiful flowers , usually a single rose . Over top of this and other images of a small girl and her teddy bear and oil spill pictures , was a beautiful melody over an abstract harmony , in lo - fi . Really great melody , I can 't stress that enough . Of course it was Annette 's , and it was the beginning of a night that made me realize that she is the only songwriter I 've seen on the level of some of the classic songwriters . Every melody was so annoyingly simple , liftable without instrument , but its interaction with the lyric and the way she phrased it made every single one a masterpiece . Her set up was simple . Solo concert , an old Roland synth with one sound patch , a steinway grand , and a 1990 's beat box with three drum loops on a CD inside of it . Whenever she played the synth , it was in the same tonal space . Mostly functional harmony , with minimal twists and turns , over a mostly diatonic melody . The great thing about it was her orchestration of a single note piano line within the harmonies of the synth . Her touch surprised me . I thought her a composer - pianist , but her virtuosity as it related to touch was evident . She rarely played more than one note on the piano , never needing more than a counter melody . Her voice was sublime too , so clear and even . Her phrasing was simple , making only slight changes to the established melodies , but the subtlety of the alterations was magic . And her piano playing . Once in a while she 'd play a solo interlude on only piano , and if I had to describe it to someone who had never heard her , I 'd say that it was Paul Bley with a tenth of the notes . Free language with strong melody , but stripped down to its bare essentials . She could make Basie look overcomplicated and busy . Unbelievable , when combined with her amazing and even touch . The drum loops were used mostly as a device for atmosphere , that sort of cheesy 70s feeling added to the combination of synth and voice , but the final of the three drum loops was different . Still in that same world of bad action movies , the loop started the same as the others , but quickly morphed into a surreal constantly shifting beat , like something out of a Steve Coleman record . Her phrasing of this simple melody changed with the loop , and the minute changes she made snaked in and out of the background to make something fantastic . She had everything memorized , but the arrangements seemed quite strict . The drum loops were literally just a CD track , and she timed everything out so that the track ended during the last phrase of the song . Amazing , especially the last one . Walking out , it was quite obvious that I had seen something that I 'd never see again . And now I have to buy some Annette Peacock records from Manny . That crafty bastard . • April 28 , 2013 • Leave a Comment I knew what I was getting into on the 26th when I sat down in my fifth - row seat at Symphony Space and saw the estate archive 's pictures of Paul projected on a screen in front of the stage . The house filled up very quickly , even though I got there plenty early . Three rows ahead of me was Roswell Rudd . Ten back was Michael Formanek . On the right aisle was Rez Abbasi . You just knew that this show couldn 't disappoint , especially at the price of 15 dollars for those under 30 . The show started picking people directly from the top of the pile : Joe Lovano , Bill Frisell , Joey Baron , Ed Schuller , and Billy Drewes . It was the first time I had ever seen Joe and Bill play together , despite seeing them dozens of times apart . The rapport didn 't really get to me at first , instead I was mesmerized by the interaction between Bill , Billy , and Ed Schuller . Ed was playing bass in a way that you don 't hear unless you go looking for it , that sixties playing that reminded me of all of the famous 70s bassists when they were young , Dave Holland , Gary Peacock , and Steve Swallow , a dark outgrowth of Charlie Haden . I love this kind of playing , and I 've been deep in the records of that genre for months now , so I loved every second of it . The push and pull of his beat and his excellent tone really made it . Billy was great too , coming right out of the gate , fiery and intense . The second performance was one of the contenders for best of the night , Masabumi Kikuchi solo . It was stark , it was beautiful , and it was raw . If you 've never seen him play live , I 'm not sure how exactly to describe it past that . The next song was Marilyn Crispell and Gary Peacock playing Etude , one of my favorite Paul songs . It sounded great , although I was not a huge fan of Crispell 's harmonic choices in her arrangement of the tune . The harmonies made it sound like more of a Jazz tune than I would have liked , but Paul always said ( I glean from multiple sources ) that his songs were meant to go where the artist wants , that the individual should be in charge of the direction . I also have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about Marilyn playing Etude with Geri Allen in the building , but that 's a fanboyish issue , nothing more . They were joined by Lovano and Andrew Cyrille . Peacock and Andrew 's hook up was something to behold , although Gary 's days of digging far into the beat with that wonderful earthy sound are over , it was still great . Andrew and Lovano were on the same wavelength , although everyone who plays with Andrew seems like they 're on his wavelength . Andrew stayed on stage as the band was traded out for Billy Hart , and a two drum duo improvisation ensued . I 'd heard about Andrew 's storied history with drummers like Milford Graves , and Billy 's stint with The Whole Drum Truth , but seeing it in person was something else . It 's hard to write on , because it was just extremely communicative and layered rhythms , with both drummers so focused and aware of the other that it seemed like they had played together forever . Always interesting to see two creative musicians play in a foreign format , making it work . I maintain that Andrew Cyrille has the quickest textural ears in the music today . No nuance escapes his hearing . Then Geri came on stage with Greg Osby . Geri broke out of her post 90s comfort zone a bit more than usual , which I liked . Billy was fiery as ever , poking and prodding the rhythm section . Billy sounds especially good these days ; in the last few months I 've seen him four times , and he sounds better than ever , and I 'm sure the company in the house didn 't hurt him then . They were accompanied by Larry Grenadier and Greg Osby . I 'm usually not a screaming wild fan of Osby in situations like these , but I must say that he brought his A - game that night . Weaving in and out of the tune and connecting quite nicely with Geri , who upped the ante as well . Hearing Larry with Billy was interesting too , it 's not a combination you 'd expect to see . Billy 's band joined him next , and played one of their originals , " Duchess " . I took the subway with Ethan after the show , and he told me that they were going to play one of Paul 's contemplative originals until Billy said " Come on man , Paul could swing his ass off . You want to give him a tribute without swinging ? " The band sounded great as they always do . The next tune was probably my favorite of the night , Abacus , as played By Ravi Coltrane , Joe Lovano , and unannounced guests The Bad Plus and Bill Frisell . This tune made me realize that TBP could put a TON of people out of work if they became an accompanying rhythm section a la Kelly / Chambers / Jones . The propulsion they gave behind Joe and bill in particular was at a level that you rarely hear , but still with the classic TBP sound and individuality . Everyone sounded like they usually do , no curveballs , but it was radically different than every other time I 've heard them play with others , including with Bill at Newport , in Toronto with Joshua Redman , and on CD with Wendy Lewis . The value of having a tight trio like that behind two hyper - creative guys like Lovano and Frisell is money in the bank . The beauty of it is that you could tell that Lovano - who is currently touring with Francisco Mela , Otis Brown III and Esperanza Spalding - was caught off guard by the approach the trio was taking . Bill was loving it , and jumped right in when it was his turn , and it made for the most impressive and joyful solo of the night . I 'm going to keep waiting around for a TBP quintet record , but until then , I 'll be at least partially satiated by that one - time Abacus . The second set started with the old guard and finished out with the new crowd . Masabumi and Gary Peacock came onstage and played duo , which I was looking forward to all night . Masabumi didn 't have as much of the austere angularity that was there during his solo presentation , but the interplay between them was something to behold . I feel like both of them were tiptoeing around , and that it would have broken out had there been a little more time for them to play . I get the feeling that Gary isn 't faced with pianists even in the ballpark of Masabumi lately , and that when equally creative musicians play with him these days , they are usually coming to his playground , not challenging him as Masabumi is wont to do . It was a nice glimpse of what could be , but as a standalone piece , it didn 't kill me . Then the Electric Bebop Band came onstage , playing their eponymous tune . Chris Cheek , Bill McHenry , and Billy Drewes were the front line , backed by The Guitarmy , Ben Monder , Steve Cardenas , and Jakob Bro , with the fantastic Jerome Harris on acoustic bass guitar . Matt Wilson filled in for Paul . It was nice to see this band , because I never got to see it live . Every time I saw Paul , it was a smaller group . The next tune was for guitarists only , and I couldn 't have been happier about it . When Bill walked onstage , my three favorite middle aged guitarists in the world were playing together . Monder is the epitome of a virtuoso , playing the unplayable . Cardenas is the straight ahead player that 's been thrown into uncomfortable situations his whole life and made it work . And Bill is the one of the closest things our era has to a Thelonious Monk . Jerome Harris shouldn 't be forgotten either . I 've only ever seen him in situations with other big time artists , the only other time was for Jack DeJohnette 's birthday , and he floored me then as well . The other thing I realized is that Jakob Bro needs to go on a list for me somewhere . They played " Introduction : Lament for Guitar " , and drew from it every last melancholy drop . It was a beautiful chorus of mournful sounds , every guitarist putting their own touches on the music , letting their voice be heard through in the choir . The thing that hit you immediately was the tone , the careful attention each artist was paying to their sound . Bill stayed around and began the round of duets that was to follow . The first one was he and Greg playing Sunflower . Osby stayed on point throughout , and Bill continued to draw me in with his creativity . He really is the kind of musician you could listen to forever , constantly moving into worlds that you could never dream of . Then came another unbelieveable performance , the Bill McHenry quartet with Monder , Reid Anderson , and Andrew Cyrille . There was nothing bad about this . I 'll tell anyone who 'll listen that Bill is on the short list of my favorite tenors in New York . The interaction of feels was amazing . Ben has this place he sometimes goes to , but it has to be spurred by a specific something , and that something was Andrew Cyrille , punctuating Monder 's every word , keeping so focused on the moment ( Ben Monder stomped the RAT behind Andrew Cyrille , so there 's that to add to the bucket list … ) . Reid interacting with Andrew was amazing too , bringing me back to wanting him to play with more people . Hard to believe that this is a working ( albeit in relative remission ) band . Then came the dark horse of the night , the performance that I never would have thought I 'd like . Petra Haden sang " Windmills of Your Mind " with Bill accompanying her . Her voice was absolutely amazing , pure and clear , and she definitely has her father 's ear . That beautiful crisp sound coupled with Bill 's shifting accompaniment were absolutely amazing . I realized later that Petra works with Weezer ( which is my REAL dark secret . Can 't get enough . Every record memorized . ) and I would say that she 's the female equivalent of Rivers Cuomo . Phrasing , pitch , tone , all perfect . Amazing . For the penultimate tune , Bill and Joe came onstage to play " It Should Have Happened a Long Time Ago " . The softness and comfort with which they played the - and I don 't use this word often - haunting melody served as a reminder for why we all came in the first place . It was an amazing thing , especially because I never got to see the trio live . I don 't think I need to explain the connection between the two . For the final tune , most of the musicians came on stage to do a rousing " Drum Music " . Usually things like this are just annoying , but this crowd of people believes in creativity and spontaneous improvisation that it worked , and was cohesive and interesting , despite having 15 people onstage . Everyone was clearly having a great time . The biggest thread through the whole performance was that the drummers in particular were having a great time . Joey Baron was sharing looks with Bill the whole concert , breaking up in laughter when one or the other would play a specific phrase . Matt Wilson and Dave King always have a good time , but it seemed like they were pushed to the next height as well . Seeing Matt Mitchell onstage made me realize that the most recent generation of Motian devotees weren 't there . No Jacob Sacks , Thomas Morgan , Loren Stillman , or any of the younger generation . Even slightly older " new " comrades of Paul 's weren 't there , like Tony Malaby , Jason Moran , or Chris Potter . Although I wouldn 't dare complain about the programming of 3 and a half hours of practically nothing but legends , I think that it puts a date on Paul to not have the bands he was working with until his death . I saw Annette Peacock recently , and the woman I was sitting with was talking about some of the people she loved , and how they had lost inspiration . When asked which people I loved that continued playing their best until they left , the first name I thought of was Paul . He never quit , and was just as creative and motivated as ever right up to the end . To me , it 's a perfect topping on an already extrodinary artist and person . To not acknowledge that in this huge concert seems to be a waste of an opportunity to me . I 'm truly thankful that I could go to a gathering like this . Afterwards , the musicians just talked and talked around the stage , and Symphony Space was nice enough to not kick everyone out as soon as the gig was over . Some were talking about Paul , some were talking about how great the gig was ( there was a lot of " Oh man , we haven 't played in so long , come over on Monday ! " ) , but everyone had a smile on their face . It was a fitting tribute to a master musician who influenced many great creators that came after him . We all miss Paul , for one reason or another . ( Brooklyn Jewish accent required ) " Oh waaaaaow , I nevah saw Dewey with so much haaaair ! " - An old friend of Paul 's that was sitting right behind me , commenting on one of the many archival pictures that they were showing . She had a million one - liners like this , and was laughing with her friends the whole time . I was doubled over during the set breaks . * DISCLAIMER : This is all I 'm going on to try to remember the gig . It was a while ago , and I put this post off . I hit all of the parts that resonated with me , but there might be some things missing from my account . Feel free to spark my memory in the comments . Tuesday , as per usual , I went down to the 55 bar for Dave Binney 's bi - weekly show . Dave 's not in town this week , and neither is Danny , but the remaining members of the band always put on a great show . This week , Eivind and Jacob came up with the names of two people they 'd like to play with more , Ellery Eskelin and Billy Mintz . I feel like people are at least somewhat aware of Ellery , who plays modern music with an incredibly informed tenor sound , echoing Don Byas , Benny Carter , Chu Berry , and all of the other sax legends that you don 't hear anymore . Every time I hear him play , I think that he is the person who best understands Coleman Hawkins playing in the scene today ( Sonny Rollins and Frank Wess are of course the notable living exceptions ) . His ideas come out with such a flow , just as Hawk 's did . The powerful tone , of course , as well . He 's also one of the last modern tenor players who 's not afraid to play standards , which of course I appreciate . He 's shot up to the top of my favorite tenors in New York lately . Billy Mintz is relatively unknown outside of New York , though . He was West Coast for a while , playing as a studio musician , and then transitioning into a hyper - accurate fusion player , and finally a free musician . I 've seen him play a number of times , and have been riveted every time . His free playing shows a level of economy that I 've only ever seen in two other drummers , Victor Lewis and Paul Motian . He can refuse to hit the drum for so long that the tension outweighs whatever madness is going on in the rest of the band , although the continuity of his ideas is never lost . However , if he gets in the right mood , he can become one of the most swinging drummers in New York , right up there with people like Andrew Cyrille and Billy Hart . I always say that if he wanted the gig in Barry Harris or Frank Wess ' bands , he could easily have it . He seems to be comfortable in his avant - garde setting , however . I went into the show knowing that it would be a solid outing , but not expecting it to blow my hair back . I had just come from a great Billy Hart Quartet concert ( where they played Lennie 's Groove , a tune that I can remember practicing for hours in my basement , trying to figure out not only how to play in 5 / 4 over a B minor vamp , but also just how to get my fingers around the melody . Funny story : Ethan played it with both hands . Wish I had thought of that … ) , and had tickets to the sure - to - be - fantastic Paul Motian tribute on the 22nd , so I was more looking for a solid middle to the week . What I got was one of the most cohesive , innovative , and swinging groups I 've seen in New York . Billy , it turns out , came to play that night . He came out swinging , laying in the pocket on every tune , and phrasing things like only a drummer his age can . With his fusion past , however , he was ever so comfortable with the complex tunes of Jacob and Eivind , many with mixed - meter hiccups and other tricky foundations . With a drummer playing like that on the gig , it 's so easy to just fall into a relaxed groove , playing whatever comes to mind without needing to worry about anything . Ellery , however rose far above the call to action , and played three or four of the best solos I 've heard all year . The highlight was on " Just One of Those Things " , where he played about ten choruses of dynamic , unrepetitive tenor ( said Jacob Sacks " That was one of the best eighth - note - based solos I 've ever heard " ) . I was reminded of Sonny Rollins or Hawk , who have that ability to just keep playing , keeping the ideas , and phrasing fresh , while always weaving in and out of the band . I kept thinking as I was listening to him how different he sounded than other tenor players in town , almost completely devoid of Wayne and Trane , indeed , devoid of any of that early 60s sound that is the spinal cord of modern jazz . Another highlight was the Monk tune " We See " and of course , Eivind 's disco - ish straight eighths tune . Jacob and Eivind of course deserve to be mentioned . Both , despite their forward reaching solo projects are , to me , one level more old - school than many of their contemporaries . They still know all of the old tunes , they still write swinging originals , and they still play the shit out of the music . They have a level of understanding and passion for the old guys that goes beyond nodding your head in agreement every time Philly Joe Jones is mentioned . There are not many guys like that around , that are as dedicated to pushing the music forward as they are to being informed by its past . On top of that , there 's no better ensemble player than Jacob , and Eivind makes every band he plays in feel amazing , so I really never lose with these guys . I doubt they 'll ever record - indeed Jacob didn 't even record the gig for himself - but it was a gig I 'll always remember , one of those magical nights where everything just fell into place on a pickup gig . It 's a strength of the music that I often forget , but whenever it happens , it reaffirms my love of the music . Only in New York . Only Jazz . • March 18 , 2013 • Leave a Comment I was lucky enough to catch Charles Lloyd on Friday . It wasn 't easy , let me tell you . I got the third to last ticket , standing room only . Despite the New York Times profile on it ( which I read by chance , I don 't really follow the Times ' music news ) , it was a rather underground gig . The crowd , although packed , looked like more of an upper East side / Met membership crowd , rather than a Charles Lloyd crowd . If you had told me that they were on their way to see some Haydn with period instruments , I would have believed you . I say that only because of what the usual crowds of 70 - 80 year old musicians look like . When I saw Billy Hart yesterday , for example , there were the Dizzy - ites , people looking for a nice meal and some Jazz music , and the student contingent , hovering around Billy after the gig , but there were also the grizzled vets , people that you see at a lot of shows with musicians that are Billy 's age . They 're usually musicians themselves , or occasionally fans and collectors that follow the music with a fervor that doesn 't exist much these days . I have a friend from Washington DC who hasn 't played trumpet since he was 15 , but was great friends with all of the DC musicians , Andrew White , Billy , and the rest of the DC - Baltimore crew . He remembers having conversations with Eric Dolphy and seeing Trane live . There weren 't any people like that at Charles ' gig . The first thing I noticed was that I will not be having my birthday party at the Temple of Dendur . The floor , ceiling , and three walls are made of polished stone , and the fourth wall is made of glass interwoven with steel . It 's a huge room , and there 's also a massive stone structure in the middle of it . Not exactly acoustically accommodating . The poor little Bose towers they had set up weren 't cutting at all . I could hear in my head what Jason Moran 's tone and attack sounded like , but the sound I heard from the stage wasn 't cutting it . The second thing I noticed was Lloyd 's preference for playing with a drummer . The first four tunes were duo with Jason , two of Ellington 's and a spiritual . Charles ' playing was pretty languid , from where I was sitting . It 's possible that his tone was masterful , but there was no way I could get any of that in the audience . His phrasing was pretty middle of the road , and some of the techniques he was using seemed a little bit tired to me . Jason sounded great as always , playing a mix of Ellington 's original voicings and his own sound , something that becomes more and more defined the more I see him . He definitely has his own language and sound that is becoming more and more recognizable . The highlight was his solo on " Mood Indigo " , which became a Fats Waller - ish exploration mixed with some displacement and reharmonization in Moran 's style . He always interjects with some surprising material when he improvises , and never allows the listener to be complacent . Needless to say , I like him quite a bit . When the quartet came onstage , however , Lloyd became a new man . Growling and squeaking , and playing unpredictably , he was darting in and out of ideas in a way that was totally absent in the first half of the set . The band sounded very comfortable playing behind him , Reuben and Harland settling into a nice groove on every tune , doing a great job at setting an appropriate tone for Charles . I also noticed that they really played the crap out of that modal , churning style of music . It 's possible that I don 't see the concerts that are playing out of that tradition , but it was the dark , steady modal playing of people like late Sam Rivers , not necessarily out of the Trane tradition . Slightly more darkly mysterious than Freddie or Joe Henderson , perhaps . That 's when the gig changed pace a bit . Alicia Hall Moran came out and sang " Go Down Moses " I can 't say I was too into it , although Jason pulled as much music as he could from the tune . I didn 't know this was an African American spiritual , Then , the Greek singer Maria Farantouri and her Lyra player came out , Charles switched to alto flute , and I had to leave . The lyra player ( basically a Mediterranean viola , from what I could see ) added an interesting timbre to the stage , but I 'm not sure how sold I was on the whole concept . Charles liked it though , and it was his birthday , so there you go . The singer was pretty amazing technically , a huge tone and great diction , which is something I don 't notice often . I did learn something that interested me at the concert , however , that Charles ' mentor was Booker Little , one of my all - time favorites . It 's interesting to think of Booker as a mentor , seeing as he died at 26 , but if his personality was as mature as his playing , it all makes sense . It also raises the question of what was in the water in Memphis during the time those two and Phineas Newborn were coming up . The three of them are quite disparate artists , but they are all at a high level technically , and all gained success very soon after coming to New York . • February 3 , 2013 • 1 Comment Hello all ! Due to a mini - illness , I took most of December and all of January off , but now I 'm back . A belated Happy New Year to all of you . Barry Altshcul truly must have gotten the short straw in the history of successful drummers from the 60s . There are many drummers from that era that have gotten the shaft when it comes to their careers . Jimmy Cobb , Joe Chambers , Ben Riley , and Pete LaRoca come to mind . They all were on seminal records of some of the most amazing groups out there , gracing albums like Mode for Joe , The Bridge , A Night at the Village Vanguard , and of course , Kind of Blue . Even after all of these successes , they have not found fame among those who do not know their work or were somehow connected with that era . These guys have played a combination of about 6 or 7 times since I got to NYC , and none of them were week - long engagements . I 've never seen them on the cover of a major Jazz magazine . I 've not seen them in any obvious article or blog that I 've read in the last two years ( the exception being LaRoca , right after his death ) . I 'm not surprised that they don 't get mentioned that much ( except within the New York scene , where many of them are teachers and employers of students ) , however I am surprised that they get about as much attention as someone like Steve Williams ( another brilliant drummer ) who played with Shirley Horn for so many years . Steve is in a similar category , musically I feel , but doesn 't have the leg up of appearing on one of the most listened - to records of his generation . Saying " Barry Altschul " doesn 't get the same result . Even though he has played on a number of important recordings by Chick Corea , Paul Bley , and Dave Holland - as popular an important in some circles as as Mode for Joe or The Bridge - such as Closer , Conference of the Birds , and Circulus . He is also a great composer and has written music for his own ensembles since the 70s . I can not tell you why Altschul is given even less respect than the people above , but I can tell you that he is now back on the scene and playing as well as anyone else in New York . Thanks to Jon Irabagon ( I deduce … ) , he is playing one offs at places like Cornelia street , and just had his 70th birthday at Roulette . The band plays his music , with his choice of musicians , including Joe Fonda , who is one of those unbelievable New York dark horses that you 'd never hear about unless you were hyper - interested in a niche or live in the city . While I missed the gig for his birthday , I was lucky enough to catch two sets at Cornelia , and I will now go see him whenever I can . His swing feel , compositions , and ear are at the highest level imaginable . He is a legend , plain and simple . ( Harris Eisenstadt , another great drummer - composer , posted a well - timed three part post at Destination Out . Required reading . It would appear that his knowledge of the music - even modern players - is as up to snuff as his playing . ) Someone who is not noticed for the exact opposite reasons is Han Bennik , who to my mind is the father of European Free Jazz drumming . He started out playing with Eric Dolphy in the early 60s , and has now become the head of the Dutch Free Jazz scene which has been percolating for decades now . His work with Steve Lacy , Peter Brotzmann , and Misha Mengleberg is absolutely stunning . The reason he is only given respect by people deep in his avant - garde world , however , is because he is misunderstood as a crazed absurdist lunatic who is more interested in putting on a show than playing music . The thing is , I 'm the biggest stickler for swing feel and traditional fundamentals that I know , and there is no man alive who plays the drums with more deference and knowledge of Kenny Clarke and Jo Jones than Han . The swing feel emanating from this man is incredible . I saw him at Roulette ( if you haven 't learned from this post , start going to Roulette ) playing from memory 6 Steve Lacy compositions and being right on the knife 's edge the whole time . He seems to respond to every musical situation quickly and on many different levels , and nothing is out of bounds . A lot of posts coming up , mostly on shedding stuff . I 've decided that I 'm going to save up some money , so I won 't be reporting back on too many gigs , just a few here and there . Happy Black History Month ! Best month of the year . • December 7 , 2012 • Leave a Comment I 've been very busy at my day job lately , but part of that included a trip to Vienna . Normally , I always have some hang ups about traveling , no matter where I go . It takes some time for me to get acclimated to the scenario , I usually can 't practice while I 'm away from home , and I 'm pretty un - organized when I don 't keep to a strict regimen , so a travel trip always throws me off . Of course , I get to where I 'm going and I 'm always glad I went , but Vienna felt a little bit different . Maybe it was because I was forced to go because of work , maybe it 's because I was going to what has been the epicenter of European music for the last few centuries . I worked a lot on the trip , and didn 't get to see very much of the city , but nevertheless I saw a few things that seriously informed me about the music situation in Vienna . The BHQ was playing by chance when I was staying in Vienna , so I went and hung with the cats . Billy didn 't announce any differently , the band didn 't play any differently . The music was great , and the audience dug it . Some things in the periphery were very interesting . The audience was about 85 % 40 - 60 year olds . There were hardly any students there , maybe about 10 . A stark contrast to what you 'd see in a club where Mark Turner and Ethan Iverson playing in any American city I 've lived . There was a Bosendorfer grand in the hotel that I was staying , and a pianist that played every night from 5 - 11 , right next to the bar , which didn 't have any music playing . He played a mix of standards in a Hank Jones style and Classical standard repertoire . Most of the classical pieces were Hungarian dance type things that you would hear out of Liszt or someone . His tip jar was brimming every night that I was there . I was in Vienna for a conference of business types that were coming together to try and make a difference in the current global economy and in the recent practices in the business world , which have slid to the grimier side of ethics . On the last night , there was a gazillion dollar a plate dinner with speeches and networking . After the dinner ( and easily the best string of deserts I 've ever tasted in my life . DO NOT sleep on Esterhazytorte . ) there was a band , born and raised in Vienna . Five pieces , three guitars , a singer and a bassist . They only sang English songs , mostly American folk repertoire . Going into stores and bars and restaurants , I listened to the music everywhere I went . I did not hear a single song in German . Not one , out of probably 30 songs that I heard . Waiting in the airport , in the taxi home , in the elevator , nothing . Strange I 'm a total romantic , so I sat down and started playing some Mozart ( I 'm pretty happy that I got the chance to do that ) . I was playing the Eb Sonata , when the bus boy that was coming past me to and from the great hall started whistling the melody . Now would that ever happen in North America ? The other thing that happened was similarly amazing . After the Mozart and Beethoven I played , I started playing some stride and ragtime . As I did this , a serious crowd started to form ( remember , I was a fair distance from the hall where the party was taking place ) . At the end , there were 35 - 40 people crowded around the piano , everyone listening intently . I 've never seen anything like it . I would have a hard time getting 40 people to a gig in a city that I 've lived in , let alone one I 've never been to . It was a truly eye opening experience for me , and a lesson about the appreciation of music , at least in Vienna .

< a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / works / 384157 " >< strong > Rough Trade < / strong >< / a > ( 23049 words ) by < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / users / whiskyrunner " >< strong > Whisky < / strong >< / a >< br / > Chapters : 1 / 1 < br / > Fandom : < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / tags / Inception % 20 ( 2010 ) " > Inception ( 2010 ) < / a >< br / > Rating : Explicit < br / > Warnings : No Archive Warnings Apply < br / > Relationships : Arthur / Eames ( Inception ) < br / > Additional Tags : Rough Sex , Rough Trade , Homophobia , Internalized Homophobia , Barebacking , dubcon < br / > Series : Part 1 of < a href = " http : / / archiveofourown . org / series / 69580 " > Rough Trade < / a >< br / > Summary : < p > Arthur is an investment banker . He is professional and efficient . He 's a halfway decent cook . He 's totally independent and has been since the age of eighteen . Maybe he 's tired all the time because he works about ninety hours a week which is twice what normal people do , but he 's rich and he 's competent at his job . He 's almost thirty , and already a success . < / p >< p > And there are some things Arthur is not . For instance : Arthur is not gay . < / p > Arthur is an investment banker . He is professional and efficient . He 's a halfway decent cook . He 's totally independent and has been since the age of eighteen . Maybe he 's tired all the time because he works about ninety hours a week which is twice what normal people do , but he 's rich and he 's competent at his job . He 's almost thirty , and already a success . And there are some things Arthur is not . For instance : Arthur is not gay . The craving comes back on the first night Arthur doesn 't stay at his office past nine o ' clock in two weeks . It always comes back when he 's feeling like this : Especially burnt out , hating his job , hating his life , sick and tired and desperate . It 's been about a month since the last time , because it takes about three weeks for it to build up to this point , and then another week before he decides that the brief but immense gratification will be worth the amount of self - loathing he 'll feel afterward . He leaves the office at eight , and goes to a gay bar . It 's a different one than last time . He doesn 't want to be recognized or remembered . It 's almost a hundred blocks away from his apartment and when the cab pulls up , he regards it with distaste . It 's a small , trashy dive of a place . He hands a few bills to the cab driver and gets out anyway . The interior is no more impressive than the exterior . The place is dimly - lit and there 's a general air of seediness hanging around . Arthur draws a few gazes from the patrons as he approaches the bar , and feels a flicker of resentment . They 're mostly older men , and not the type that interests him . Soft , affectatious queers in their forties and fifties who watch him yearningly because the days are long gone when they could have hooked up with something as young and attractive as Arthur . He takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink . He always needs at least one before he starts feeling less bothered by the atmosphere of the place , like its griminess is clinging to him , and the depravity of his mission . He 's on his second beer when a stranger drops onto the stool at his side and drawls , " You look like you 're on the wrong side of the tracks , kitten . " Arthur frowns and glances down at himself . Waistcoat but no jacket , loosened tie , collared shirt with the top two buttons undone . It 's as dressed - down as he gets on a weeknight . " Shall I give you directions back to the Upper West Side ? " the man inquires mildly , and that makes Arthur scowl . It 's a coincidence that his apartment is located thEames ' place is a hovel . It doesn 't even have rooms , and not in a chic studio apartment way . Everything 's crammed together : kitchenette , toilet , bed . Takeaway boxes are piled in one corner and the bed is unmade . " ' Scuse the mess . " Eames flips on the lamp next to the bed . " I imagine it 's not what you 're used to . " Arthur rolls his eyes and starts stripping off his clothes . Eames takes his lead and starts shrugging out of his own clothing . " You 've got a nice body for a pencil pusher , " he says appreciatively , surprised , looking Arthur over . " We don 't need to talk , " Arthur says , sitting on the edge of the bed so he can pull off his pants and shoes together . " Let 's just fuck . " " Alright then , " says Eames . Once he 's naked , Arthur flops back onto the bed and watches Eames strip off , revealing inked flesh and more muscles . It sends a shiver of - - something through Arthur 's stomach . Trepidation . Fear . Want . He isn 't sure . Probably all three . He rolls onto all fours before Eames starts unbuckling his pants , because he doesn 't want to look at Eames ' cock in case it makes this too real for him . He just wants it inside him . He half - watches while Eames pulls open the bedside table drawer and fishes for a condom , then listens to him tear it open and roll it on . He hears the snap of a cap of lube and swallows , shuffling his knees further apart , eyes squeezed shut in anticipation . It burns like fury when Eames pushes the head of his cock into him , stretching him before he 's ready . " Fuck ! " Arthur snarls , hands screwing into the covers , bucking a little instinctively in a vain attempt to throw Eames off . " Asshole ! You didn 't even - - " He has to break off with a strangled sound when Eames shoves himself in deeper . " No talking , " he mocks softly next to Arthur 's ear , sounding amused at the quivering mess he 's immediately reduced Arthur to . He starts thrusting . Arthur , in turn , keeps his mouth shut , braces on his hands and knees , and takes it . It 's hard - - Eames is huge , bigger than any of Arthur 's partners thus farArthur is a lot of things . Arthur is an investment banker . He is professional and efficient . He 's a halfway decent cook . He 's totally independent and has been since the age of eighteen . Maybe he 's tired all the time because he works about ninety hours a week which is twice what normal people do , but he 's rich and he 's competent at his job . He 's almost thirty , and already a success . And there are some things Arthur is not . For instance : Arthur is not gay . He 's not . When he wakes up in the morning the first thing he feels is profound , abiding shame . He always does . Always feels fucking disgusted at himself . There 's an ache in his ass - - because he had some man 's cock rammed in there . Fuck . He crawls out of bed , slogs into the bathroom and winces at the vicious scratches on his sides and stomach , set amongst dark bruises . He 's bruised everywhere , fuck - - he looks in the mirror and frowns , touching a hand to the bite mark on his neck . He really hopes his collar will cover it . He 'd showered last night , of course , but he does again , as if he can steam away the feeling of residual sweat ( not his own ) and the phantom smell of male musk and come . He wishes he could stand in a sterilizing autoclave and scald it all off . He looks down bleakly and realizes he 's hard , really hard . There are bruises on his dick for God 's sake . He thinks about how Eames ' hand had gripped him and has to close his eyes and think of something else , or nothing at all , and ends up reciting the Star Spangled Banner in his head twice - - the whole thing , not just the first stanza - - before his erection goes away . Never again , he reminds himself . Arthur knows of one sure - fire way to distract himself from any and all thoughts of being fucked by a man last night : To work and work until he runs himself into the fucking ground . He downs a few caffeine pills , orders himself a venti - sized espresso with double shots from the Starbucks down the street , and goes to work . Arthur is lonely . He 's an investment banker . He spent six years of his life and thousands of dollars working his ass off in school to get a job he doesn 't even really like . He can cook , but he lives off of take - out when he bothers to eat at all , because people who cook generally have people to cook for , and Arthur does not . He 's independent and has been since eighteen because he has no family to speak of , not unless you count a brother who moved to Brisbane and never calls . He 's never had a committed relationship in his life , never had a steady girlfriend , never even come close to thinking about marriage because he 's much too busy for that . He 's wealthy , but he 's fucking exhausted all the time , all the time , and he feels this perpetual sense of desperation . He 's almost thirty years old , and he feels like he 's sixty . Arthur is lonely as fuck . Only he doesn 't know this , because among other things , Arthur is a misanthrope with few people skills to speak of . So he crawls through life like a dying dog , amazing and competent at his job but always missing something , and he repeats to himself over and over , If I can just get through this month . And he never does and he keeps saying it anyway , until he gets so desperate and tired and frustrated that he does something crazy and self - destructive and risky . He had sex with a man for the first time six months ago and hasn 't been able to stop yet . It 's the only thing that makes him feel better . Even if it 's just for a few minutes . At least it 's something . Even if he hates himself for it . At least he feels something . Right ? & All throughout work that day he finds his hand drifting to the bruise under his collar , fingertips pressing into it just hard enough to make it hurt . Then he remembers Eames ' crooked teeth sinking into his neck , and forcibly tells himself to stop . But he 's distracted all day long - - namely , by thoughts of Eames . He doesn 't understand , because nobody in the past has stuck with Arthur like this before . Usually he fucks and forgets as soon as he possibly can , flushing the memory from mind . But Eames stays with him . He rankles at Arthur like a bug bite on his brain . His memory makes Arthur burn with embarrassment and shift uncomfortably in his seat . He 's never let anybody take him like that before . Everything about their exchange was humiliating , degrading . . . Never mind the fact that he hasn 't come like that since he was a teenager . If ever . His mind is buzzing all day long and he does something unprecedented : he ends up leaving work early for the second day in a row . It 's Friday . Arthur doesn 't like Fridays like other people do . Weekends only serve to remind him that he 's chained to his work and has nothing to do outside of that . But the rest of New York is coming alive , celebrating another work week done - - one more week down , so many hundreds to go before retirement - - so Arthur goes to a club . He picks up the easiest girl he can find and takes her back to his place . He 's determined to scrub Eames ' memory off his body and out of his mind . It takes him forever to get hard enough . The girl 's patient , thankfully , and she takes it slow with him until his dick finally gets with the program and is standing at full attention . But when they fuck , he takes even longer to get off . It gets to the point where he thinks he 's going to have to fake an orgasm , and isn 't that embarrassing - - this is getting ridiculous at any rate , sex has never been so dissatisfying - - And then he closes his eyes , and he can feel Eames ' fingertips clenched in his sides , and Eames ' rough hand around his cock , and Eames ' cock filling him up - - His climax is It 's like that all week . Eames plagues him constantly . Arthur doesn 't have sex again , but he does jerk off , determinedly . He thinks of breasts , his mouth on them . The slick heat of a woman around him . He does this for about thirty minutes , struggling to maintain his erection without thinking of Eames , and finally admits defeat . He works and works . He ends up spending a night at the office when he accidentally falls asleep at his desk . He 's so fucking tired he could cry and for the first time he has to beg himself , Just get through this week - - But he knows he won 't feel better even if he does . That 's why , the next Thursday , he hails a cab after work and gives the driver the address to the same seedy little gay bar at the southern end of Manhattan . Because he can 't feel any worse than this , it 's not possible . Still , part of him is a little relieved when he walks in and sees that Eames isn 't there . He determinedly ignores the part that isn 't relieved , and orders a beer , because he may as well . " Kitten , " a husky voice drawls behind him just as he takes his first sip . " You came back . " Arthur swallows wrong and coughs . Eames slides adroitly onto the stool at his side , looking just the same as before . " I was afraid I 'd scared you off . " When Arthur has his throat under control and his eyes have stopped watering , he takes a deep breath , abhorring himself for what 's about to come out of his mouth . " I 'll give you another hundred dollars to do the same thing as last week . " Immediately Eames sneers . " Keep your sodding money , " he says . " I 'm not a bloody prostitute . " He turns away , and Arthur lets go of his breath . There , he thinks . He 's not going to sleep with you , thank God . Now you can leave . Now you can move on . But Eames is just saying something to the bartender . He turns back to Arthur and gets to his feet , placing a hand at the small of Arthur 's back . " Come on , then . My place again , yeah ? " There 's a conflicting emotion in Arthur 's chest as he resignedly follows Eames to the door . He isn 't sure if it 's a heaOnce they 're in the apartment he expects it to go the same , and starts unbuttoning his shirt . But almost immediately Eames is there , taking Arthur by the wrists , pulling his hands away and starting to undo the shirt himself . His fingers are deft and nimble and he strips Arthur in record time , Arthur barely keeping up fast enough to tug off his socks and shoes ; and as soon as he 's naked , Eames shoves him onto the bed . The mattress creaks under Arthur 's weight and the sound triggers a memory from last week , the obscene creak of the mattress under his knees with every one of Eames ' thrusts . Instantly , he 's hard . He waits for Eames to start stripping off , too , but instead , Eames just unzips and tugs his jeans down far enough to expose his cock . Arthur rolls aside swiftly , before he can get a good look at it , getting on all fours . He hears Eames rummage in the bedside table drawer and practically begs , his whole body pulsing , " Just fuck me . " Eames lays a hand on Arthur 's back , just above the base of his spine , and the coolness of his palm makes Arthur realize for the first time how flushed he is from head to toe . " Oh , pet , " says Eames . He makes Arthur wait while he rolls the condom on and grabs the lube , till Arthur 's practically shaking ; and then , kneeling behind him and placing a hand between his shoulderblades , Eames pushes him down onto his chest . " No , " Arthur argues , trying to push himself back up , feeling a hot wave of resentment return , " I don 't want - - " " I like you like this , " says Eames , holding him there with both hands now . " That gorgeous little arse of yours on display for me - - " Arthur snarls and squirms . " Fuck you - - " " Oh no , Arthur , " says Eames , and his voice drops into something low and almost bitter , " fuck you - - " and he punctuates this by shoving his cock inside Arthur , not stopping till he 's buried to the hilt , even though Arthur just about wails . " Fuck you , " he sobs breathlessly , and it seems to be all he 's able to say for the next few minutes , face half - buried in the piIn the first week of December , Arthur receives a Christmas card in the mail from his brother . His brother who is four years younger than Arthur and already tied down with a wife and toddler , who moved to Australia after dropping out of community college and now runs a tattoo parlour , and personifies Arthur 's idea of a failure . He takes out the photo tucked inside the card and regards his brother and sister - in - law and nephew he 's never met , kneeling on a beach beside a sand castle and all three grinning . His brother is a failure and sometimes Arthur is so fucking jealous of him it makes him sick . He doesn 't have a word for the resentment that fills him when he looks at the photo , so he puts it away someplace he won 't have to see it . When this year is over , he 's going to feel better . As soon as December ends and the new year begins . He swears it to himself . For real , this time . At present , he doesn 't feel much of anything . He seems to blink one day and Fifth Avenue is decorated to the nines for Christmas , and when did that happen ? He doesn 't even remember Thanksgiving . He probably spent it at work . So : Christmas . Every year it happens the same ; Arthur finds himself a bunch of travel brochures to far - away places , and he spreads them out on his desk , and he goes through each one , front to back . Cruises and resorts , tropical islands . He makes promises to himself . He 's going to take a week off at Christmas . He 's going to take his bonus and he 's going to go somewhere . Someplace nice . Someplace relaxing . Cancun . Cuba . The Bahamas . His bonus goes in the bank . His week off doesn 't even make it off the ground . He goes back to the office . And the spreadsheets , and the numbers , and . Oh well . Fantasizing about it is almost as good , anyway . " What d ' you do for a living , Arthur ? " Arthur crams his hands deeper into his coat pockets , ducks his chin into his scarf . Eames ' place is three minutes away from the bar . Arthur keeps telling him they don 't need to talk . Eames likes to ignore him . " Hmm , let me guess , " says Eames , evidently interpreting Arthur 's silence as a challenge . " You wear three - piece suits to work , though you 've usually dropped the jacket by the time you go out drinking , so it 's something corporate , but it 's not something you enjoy . Maybe a lawyer - - but you 're not creative , you 're analytical , you 're all about facts , aren 't you , so I bet it 's numbers . You 're straitlaced enough to be in finance . But your cellphone never goes off when you 're out , so I don 't imagine you 're in stocks . " " My Christmas bonus is more than your apartment 's worth , " says Arthur , acerbic as always . " That 's your only hint . " " I think you 're an investment banker , " says Eames . Arthur huffs into his scarf , using his breath to warm his face . " Lucky guess . " " Don 't you want to know what I do ? " " No . " Eames hands him a business card . Arthur takes it in spite of himself . It takes him several seconds to realize he 's looking at his own card . Investment Banker is printed crisply under his own name . " How did you - - " Eames hands over Arthur 's wallet . Arthur flushes angrily as he snatches it back . " So you 're a thief . " " A pickpocket , " says Eames modestly . " And sometimes a street magician . And I occasionally devote myself to other pursuits . But we needn 't go into that . " In spite of himself , Arthur laughs , rubbing a hand over his face tiredly . Eames looks at him sidelong . " Something funny ? " " No , it 's just - - God , I worked eighteen hours yesterday - - I 'm so tired I could fucking drop and you , you 're a fucking bum , you don 't even have a real job - - just , never mind , " he says , because he doesn 't remember why it was funny , or if it ever was . He 's just tired , and borderline delirious because of it . " How many hours did you spend sleeping last night ? It 's when Arthur breaks his own personal record of a hundred - and - thirteen - hour work week by working a hundred and twenty hours that he thinks something might be really wrong with him . He 's exhausted almost to the point of tears . obb calls him into his office for a talk and all Arthur can do is stare blearily at the pictures Cobb 's got on his desk of his beautiful wife and two kids , and wonder why everyone else 's life is allowed to be so much better than his . " Got any plans for Christmas ? " obb asks , just as Arthur 's getting up . " Oh . . . no . . . no , " Arthur answers vaguely . Not really . o family , so . . . " e shrugs feebly . " You 're welcome to join me and Mal for Christmas Eve dinner , " Cobb says , which is kind of him , because Arthur often manages to forget that he 's known Cobb and Mal since college , but Cobb doesn 't . " Maybe I 'll take you up on that , " he says . nd he means it , fervently means it , even orders himself right there to do it , because of course he knows he won 't in the end . obb just smiles lopsidedly , like he knows this already , too . " Take care of yourself , Arthur , " he says . Don 't work too hard . " That 's how he ends all their conversations , don 't work too hard , and it makes Arthur want to laugh bitterly to himself because his brain always seems to interpret this as a challenge . " Sure , " he says , and leaves . There are nineteen more days left in this year and in nineteen more days , Arthur swears to himself , he 's going to feel better . He hasn 't yet considered how he 's going to make this happen . He hates his work , but he hates his apartment even more , so he always ends up at his office and since he 's there , he may as well work anyway . e wants to sleep but even when he has the time , he just ends up lying in bed and staring at the ceiling , trying to figure out where exactly his life became such a mess , like if he can just go back in time to fix it , he can make himself happier . idiculously , the only thing to make him feel at all better these days is Eames . nd Arthur hates that Eames makes hArthur is fucking wasted . In fact he 's so wasted that when some guy - - one of the bar 's regular patrons , the type of gay that could be called a bear - - tries to pick him up , Arthur laughs in his face and then seriously considers it . Then a muscular arm is slipping around his shoulders , and a husky voice at his ear is saying , " He 's taken . " Arthur shoves him off as the other man leaves . Took you long enough to show up . " " I 'm right on time , " Eames says , still too close to Arthur 's ear , so that Arthur can hear him over the background noise of music and conversation . How long have you been here ? ong enough to get yourself hammered and nearly date raped , I see ? " " I don 't want to go home with you tonight , " Arthur says loudly . " Settle your tab , pet , " says Eames , like he hasn 't heard a word . I 'm going to the loo , I 'll be back in a minute and we can leave . " " I don 't want - - " Arthur starts to repeat , but Eames is already gone . Arthur finishes his drink and follows him . e stumbles his way into the bathroom just as Eames is zipping up . e shuts the door and it 's instantly much quieter ; the bathroom is empty except for them . " I don 't want to go home with you , " Arthur says again . I never want it . " " And yet , here you are . " ames runs his hands under the tap and grabs a few paper towels . You mustn 't be so stubborn , Arthur . o you 're a little gay . ho 's going to judge you ? " " You 've ruined me for women ! " rthur shouts at him . e 's drunk and he 's angry and Eames - - Eames fucking laughs at him . itter . e turns and looks Arthur in the eye . " Arthur , you were never for women . " Arthur throws a punch at him . e 's too smashed , though , his fist goes wide of its mark and Eames grabs his arm and Arthur is collapsing into him , like shattering glass , sharp and frail , crumbling into his chest . ames grabs onto him , and Arthur is begging : " Fuck me , just fuck me , it 's the only time , fuck , it 's the only time I feel anything real , please - - " " Come on , " Eames says , trying to stand him upright , The high point of Arthur 's entire month , possibly his year , is that on Christmas Eve , someone at his office orders Chinese take - out from his favourite restaurant for all the people who are working late . Arth r takes a whole forty - five minutes off from the presentation he 's working on to eat with his fellow yuppie coworkers . All he people with families are already gone for the night . He thinks , with a rueful pang , of the turkey dinner he 's no doubt missing out on at Cobb 's house . But e just doesn 't have the energy . Does 't even have the energy to go home . At t e end of the day , when everyone else is gone and the remaining Chinese food is in the fridge , Arthur 's on the phone with a client in Japan until three o ' clock in the morning , and then he falls asleep at his desk for three hours afterward . Merry fucking Christmas , he thinks resignedly , walking home at six AM . It 's been two weeks since he last saw Eames and he hasn 't slept with anyone . Ther 's no point trying with women , and the thought of men makes him a little queasy . Eame . . . doesn 't . But henever Arthur thinks about him , he thinks about how horrible and awkward their last encounter was , and he 's sure he 's better off without Eames in his life . At home , he makes coffee , lies on the couch with his laptop and channel - surfs . The octor Who Christmas special is on . He w tches it , indulging himself . He w tches the whole thing and by the end of the hour , disturbingly , he can 't even remember what the episode was about . Cobb calls him at some point and in the background Arthur can hear excited children and laughing adults . " Arthur , hi , merry Christmas , " Cobb says , sounding a little out of breath . " H h , I 'm surprised you 're not at the office . " " Do you need me to be ? I co ld go . . . " " No , no , " says Cobb loudly . " L sten , I was talking to Saito earlier this week and we noticed you hadn 't taken any of your vacation days yet this year - - Phillipa , that 's your brother 's , put it down - - " " Is that a problem ? " Arth r asks . " No - - we just figured , you 've been If Cobb hadn 't given Arthur a Christmas break , things might have turned out very differently . As it is , Arthur doesn 't sleep for three days . It doesn 't sound like very much , but it is , especially considering he 's been running on two or three hours of sleep every day before now . Afte three days without so much as a five - minute nap , all other needs pale in comparison . He w nts sleep more than a starving man could want food . He f els like he 's drunk all the time . He b rely even leaves his bedroom - - what reason does he have to leave ? - - and he doesn 't eat , after awhile . His yes are bloodshot and he feels perpetually on the verge of tears because he 's just so fucking tired . 3 : 02 , his clock flashes at him , and he thinks , just a half hour of sleep would suffice . Clos s his eyes for what feels like an hour , opens them and the clock flashes 3 : 13 . It 's so frustrating he could scream . And things could have turned out very differently , but Arthur doesn 't sleep for three days , and by the end of the fourth , he just can 't handle the thought of another long sleepless night , and there are only two things that could possibly help him . The irst would be to walk to the nearest subway station and lie down on the tracks . He opts to try the second thing first . Eames blinks when he opens his door . He s ratches his cheek uncertainly . " Arthur , " he says . He a ds , " You look like shit . " " I know it 's not a Thursday , " Arthur says , shivering , " and we 're not at the bar and I know I 'm fucking this up and we 're still fucked - up from last time , but can we just - - forget about that for now , okay , because I really need you to fuck me - - it 's just that I can 't sleep and sex is the only thing that helps , it 's the only thing , and they made me stop coming into work for the week and , I think I 'm going to die if I don 't sleep - - I just , please , can I - - " " Alright , alright , " Eames cuts him off , holding the door open wider . " C me on in , then . " He looks rumpled , like he 's been woken up from a nap , which makes Arthur resent him even more than hBy the end of January Arthur is working more than a hundred hours a week , which should seem excessive but doesn 't , because at least when he 's working his ass off he can tire his brain out enough to snatch a few hours of sleep each night ; and this is how he ends up sitting at his desk on a Tuesday , running on a lethal cocktail of espresso shots and caffeine pills , and finds , quite suddenly , that he 's crying uncontrollably . He ignores this fact and struggles to go on working . In f ct he keeps working until it 's been two hours , he still hasn 't been able to stop , and somebody has finally gone and fetched Cobb . " Arthur , Arthur , " Cobb says , pulling up a chair and looking alarmed , " what 's wrong ? " " Sorry . " Arth r wipes at his eyes impatiently . " I don 't know . I do 't know why . I ju t started a couple hours ago and can 't stop . Noth ng 's wrong , I just - - can 't stop . " He expects some uncomfortable pep - talk , or something in that vein . What he does not expect is for Cobb to call an ambulance . " But I 'm fine , " he coughs out , trying to get a grip on himself . Cobb shakes his head , his mouth a thin line , steering Arthur by the arm to where the paramedics are waiting to receive him . " Take the rest of the day off , " he says . " T ke as much time as you need . " Arthur 's protests fall on deaf ears . He 's carted off to the hospital , feeling foolish and tired , where he has to wait before a doctor appears and asks him about pre - existing mental disorders and symptoms and medication , and hands him off to a psychologist who asks more invasive questions until Arthur just wants to go back to work . The psychologist tells him he 's having a nervous breakdown and gives him some pills . Arth r throws the pills out and flees as soon as he 's allowed to go . He 's finally managed to stop crying , which is one good thing . He c lls Cobb up once he gets home and gives him the verdict , that it 's just a minor nervous breakdown and the doctors let him go and when can he come back to work ? " No way , " says Cobb firmly . " S ay at home tomorrow . TaFo the rest of the day Arthur tries to keep busy . He d esn 't want to fall into the same rut he did after Christmas . He r arranges some of his furniture , then goes shopping for some more . Then he goes shopping for exercise equipment , because sometimes , in college , exercising used to make him feel better ; and besides , he 's always trying to lose weight anyway . He h s a treadmill delivered to his apartment on the same day and that night , he runs on it for hours . Unti his very bones hurt . He realizes , it 's a good kind of hurt . He 's found a new outlet . He goes searching for more equipment the next day . Trai ses up and down Manhattan looking for the highest - end quality stuff until his aching legs are about to give out . He g es home . Surf the web on his laptop , restlessly , for a few hours . Watc es some TV . Trie his treadmill again till he hurts even more . When he can no longer stand his apartment , he goes downstairs to his building 's gym , which he rarely has the time to use , and tries some of their equipment , until his whole body is burning . It 's Thursday , but he doesn 't bother going downtown to meet with Eames . He 's found something better , not at the expense of his dignity . By t e weekend , he owns his own home gym system , an upright exercise bike , and a set of weights in addition to his treadmill , and a rowing machine on its way . Powered by some manic , feverish form of runner 's high , it 's not until Sunday that he realizes he 's only gotten a grand total of three hours of sleep since his breakdown on Tuesday . And hen he starts crying again and it 's an hour before he can manage to stop . He prays to God or whatever deity will listen that Eames is home when he goes downtown . Feel like crying again when Eames actually answers his door . " Christ 's sake , " he says , seeing Arthur there . " Y u expect me to drop everything for you , don 't you ? " " Can you give me another massage ? " Arth r asks weakly . Eame folds his arms over his chest and frowns . " I 'd rather just fuck you . " " Give me a massage and then you can fuck me , " He wakes up alone at six in the morning , which means he 's slept for something like five hours . That s a surprise . The act that he 's alone isn 't . He s retches and curls into his pillow . His eyes fly back open less than two minutes later . He s rambles out of bed and starts yanking on clothing , raging inwardly at himself . He let Eames into his apartment . Eame the fucking bum who has nothing and basically steals for a living . Eame who knows Arthur 's most terrible secret and could have answered the phone if it rang , who has already vanished while Arthur was sleeping . What the fuck was he thinking ? He l t Eames into his fucking apartment ! " Eames , I swear to God , " he snarls under his breath , charging out of the bedroom to take stock of the place , " if you fucking stole a thing - - " He skids to a dazed halt in the door of the kitchen . The kitchen where Eames is . Where Eames is , in fact , making coffee . Arthur wilts slightly under the eyebrow Eames raises at him . " Just how desperate and impoverished do you think I am ? " he inquires , and his tone is curious , though his eyes are narrowed . " Sorry , " Arthur mutters . " Y u were gone , and I just thought . . . " " You thought I was out here stealing the silver . " " Can you blame me ? " Arth r says , immediately falling back on the defensive . Flus ered and exasperated , he says , " I mean , what was I supposed to think when I saw you were gone - - " " Certainly not that I saw that your alarm is set for six - fifteen , and decided to make some coffee for when you woke up , " says Eames , scathing . " N , that would be absurd . " " You 're not my fucking boyfriend ! " Arth r shouts , instantly destroying any chance of defusing this conversation . Eame looks surprised to be shouted at so early in the morning , and Arthur rages on , because he doesn 't even feel rested , he feels tired and angry and sore and upset . " I don 't want to wake up next to you ! I do 't want you making fucking coffee for me ! I on y brought you here because I needed to get laid so I could sleep ! That s the only reason After Eames is gone , Arthur showers , dresses , goes to work , gets on with his life , and stops sleeping again that night . Cobb won 't let him work as many hours as he was before , so Arthur haunts New York at night like a ghost because he hates being in his apartment . When he is home , he works out ; runs on his treadmill till he throws up . He g es to different gay bars and feels nauseous at the way the men look at him . He g es to a regular bar and talks to women and feels . . . nothing . He feels angry and confused and at his wits ' end . His rother tries calling him ; Arthur ignores his phone . Cobb tries inviting him over for dinner and Arthur makes excuses . He d esn 't want to let them in , because how could they possibly understand ? When even Arthur himself doesn 't ? The nly person who might have ever understood him is - - Eames . Just get through February , he tells himself numbly , staring at a spreadsheet , vision blurred , it 's only twenty - eight days , it 's not that long , just get through February and you 'll feel much better . And suddenly , for the first time , a new voice pipes up from the back of his mind : You 're not going to feel better . Arthur squeezes his eyes shut and digs the heels of his palms into his face . " I know , " he mumbles , because after all , he always has . " I know . " He goes to Eames ' at night , because it 's the only time he 's reasonably sure Eames will be there . Eame doesn 't answer . Arth r hurries to the bar , sick and desperate . This time , he finds Eames . He freezes up . He j st stands there for at least a minute , until the bartender notices him and gives Eames a nudge and a nod in Arthur 's direction . Eame glances over and rolls his eyes , then turns back to the bar , downs the last of his drink , and gets up . " Let me guess , " he starts sarcastically , as he walks over , but Arthur cuts him off hastily : " Okay . " Eames ' eyes narrow . " O ay what ? " " Okay , " Arthur says . " M ybe I need you . I wa t to - - figure this out . I 'm orry I didn 't say so , before , I 'm just . . . I 'm ot good at this , you know , but I think m " I don 't know how to do this , " Arthur confesses , when they 're back at his place and Eames is brushing snowflakes off his own coat . " D I give you a key , or something ? " " Not if you don 't want to , " says Eames . " O if you don 't expect me to be over here a lot . Alth ugh , " he says , eyeing the place appreciatively , " it may be hard to stay away . " " I haven 't - - I haven 't had a committed relationship before . " Arth r nearly chokes on the word committed . It 's a slight comfort that Eames appears as uncomfortable as he is . " Well , " he says , " we can define it however we want . I me n , we don 't necessarily have to be . . . committed . " " I probably won 't sleep with other people , " Arthur says , sinking onto the couch and avoiding eye contact . " N t because - - you know , just , I don 't have time . " " Then I probably won 't , either , " says Eames . " I we want to keep having unprotected sex with each other , I mean . We s ould probably both get tested , too , just to be sure . " " Okay . " Arth r rubs his arm self - consciously . He 's uncomfortably out of his depth , and he doesn 't like it . " A d . . . I gu ss we need to establish certain , uh , boundaries . I 'm ot really into . . . cuddling . Or a fection or . . . things in that vein . " " Sure , " says Eames . " And we have to be discreet , " Arthur says , looking Eames in the eye for the first time . " I mean it . This - - whatever this is ? This relationship ? - - it doesn 't leave this apartment . Or y ur place , or the bar . I 'm ot - - I mean , I don 't want anyone I know to think I 'm - - " " Gay , " says Eames . " R ght . I kn w . " Arthur hesitates , then gets up and goes into his kitchen . He r turns with a spare key , which he hands to Eames reluctantly . " Be extremely prudent with this , " he says . " I m giving it to you because your apartment is disgusting and I don 't know how you stand it , and it 's far away from mine and I don 't have time to be traveling back and forth , or waiting for you to get here . You an come over in the evenings . Don ' answer the door . Don ' answer the pThere are so many snags in their relationship . Stupid things . Thin s Arthur wouldn 't even think about . They fight all the time . The irst time is when Eames pins him down on his back and moves to enter him , and Arthur says , unthinkingly honest , " I don 't want to look at you when we 're fucking . " The fallout is ugly and awkward and they 're still licking their wounds when Eames wants to shower together and Arthur is even more uncomfortable with that . He wakes Eames up when he sleeps over and tells him to leave before Arthur has to go to work , and Eames says you gave me a key , you can 't possibly still not trust me here , and Arthur says I gave you a key , I didn 't ask you to move in with me , and there are miscommunications and ruffled feathers and shouted words . They argue about what to watch on TV . They argue about what to have for dinner and who 's paying . Eame bitches about Arthur 's work , and rolls his eyes when Arthur bitches about it too . Arth r complains that Eames should get a real job , because he doesn 't even know what Eames does with his time while he 's at work . He s spects it 's mostly gambling based on a few telling texts , but sometimes Eames falls off the radar entirely for six hours or so and doesn 't respond to messages until mid - afternoon , and Arthur wonders if he 's up to the other pursuits he 'd once mentioned , and frets even more for his reputation if the two of them are found out . They 're terrible at compromise . Arth r says every time he gives Eames an inch , he takes a mile ; Eames insists that Arthur won 't even give him an inch to work with . They fight when Arthur works late and comes home tired with a headache and wants a backrub when Eames just wants sex . They fight when he comes home and Eames isn 't there because he 's doing something with friends and Arthur wants sex . They fight when they have sex . Ther are days Arthur swears the only reason they both still put up with each other is because the sex is , at least , still incredible . He 's still stinging from another confrontation when Cobb says to him at woArthur slams the door when he storms in one evening . He h ars the TV switch off . " What 's wrong ? " Eame calls warily . Stomping into the kitchen , Arthur starts hunting for alcohol , banging the cabinet doors loudly . Eame appears in the doorway and offers him the bottle of beer in his hand . Arth r grabs it , and takes a long swig . " Come on , " Eames says , leading him away by the arm . They settle on the couch together . Eame perches up on the back of it , with Arthur leaning between his legs , and starts rubbing his shoulders , easing some of the tension out . " I got turned down for a raise , " Arthur says after a minute , when he 's relaxed a little , feels less like picking a fight . " Oh , " says Eames . " B t it 's not as though you need it , right ? " " You don 't understand . I sh uld be making more than I am right now . My d d was making more than I am when he was my age , and that was , what , thirty years ago ? " Angr , Arthur takes another swift gulp of beer . " T ere 's no reason why I shouldn 't be doing as well as him . All do is work . . . " " I don 't get it , " says Eames . " Y ur dad 's dead , isn 't he ? " " Yes . " " Then who 's putting all this pressure on you ? " " I am , " says Arthur . " I ve had my life planned out for me since I was a kid . " He c oses his eyes and tips his head back , letting it fall against the cushions , his ear brushing Eames ' thigh . " I m supposed to be making more money , and I 'm not . And 'm supposed to be married before I 'm thirty - five but I don 't see that happening , either . " " Hm . " Eame keeps working at his shoulders , thumbs digging in deep . " I don 't get you , Arthur . Why ut all this stress on yourself ? " " You don 't understand , " Arthur says again . " I understand you 're miserable about the things you can 't control . And nowing you , you 'll go out and find yourself a woman to marry before you 're thirty - five just so you can stick to your little plan and make yourself even more miserable . Why an 't you just admit to yourself that maybe you aren 't as straight as you thought ? " Arthur It 's the middle of April when he gets a text from Eames at work : big news . orde something nice for supper . : ) Ar hur approaches Cobb cautiously , uncertain how he 'll be met . " H y , " he says , hovering in the doorway of Cobb 's office . " I it okay if I take off early today ? " " Ah . " Cobb s smile is knowing . " G t a date with your girlfriend ? " " What - - " Arthur splutters . " I don 't - - what makes you think - - " " Come on , Arthur , " Cobb says , grinning now . " Y u 're happier . You ' e been spending less time at the office . You ' e met someone , haven 't you ? " " I . . . " Arth r swallows , inexplicably sheepish . " M ybe , " he admits . Cobb laughs . " T ke off , then . Just make sure your presentation 's done by Friday . " " I 'll stay later tomorrow , " Arthur promises . " T anks , " he adds , and dashes off . Since it seems to be a special occasion , Arthur decides to forego ordering take - out , and instead decides to cook . He h s a salmon fillet with spinach and dill baking in the oven by the time Eames shows up , carrying a bottle of wine . " You 're cooking ! " Eame observes . He p ers over Arthur 's shoulder at the boiling rice , and steals a swift kiss . " T is is truly a momentous day . " " What 's the news ? " Arth r asks . " I would have waited till supper to tell you , but alright then , " says Eames , grinning like the cat who 'd eaten the cream . " O e of the teachers I regularly sub for is retiring , and I got her job . As o next term , I 'm offically an English teacher . " " Eames , that 's . . . congratulations , " Arthur says , starting to smile . " M ybe now you can afford to upgrade from your shitty apartment . " Eames laughs and punches him lightly in the ribs , saying , " Cheek . " " That is good news , though , " Arthur says , while Eames goes digging for a corkscrew for the wine bottle . He i , strangely , slightly jealous . " Y u 'll be really good at that , Eames . I 'm appy for you . " " Thank you . And ow about you , darling ? Any xciting work stories ? " Arthur shakes his head . " I ll have to stay late tomorrow . " Eames maBefore the actual wedding , they go out to dinner the night Eames ' family arrives in New York . His other is what Arthur expected , stately and English and scrutinizing . " You must be Arthur , " she says , which is less what Arthur expected ( he 's been having dreams about this . Befo e now it 's been " So you 're the man having frequent unprotected anal sex with my son " ) . " Um , " he says eloquently . " Y s . " She shakes his hand and smiles . Eame ' sister gives him a hug . It l aves Arthur flustered and feeling the need to clear up the fact that he is not gay despite all evidence to the contrary and also intends to leave Eames as soon as his life gets its shit together , but he wisely keeps his mouth shut . He 's as quiet as possible during dinner , though he can 't deflect the many questions sent his way . Yes , he 's an investment banker . Yes , investment bankers generally do make very good money . No , o family except for a loser brother in Brisbane . Well one passed away of cancer when he was sixteen and the other had a heart attack when he was eighteen . Yes , he supposes it was difficult , but he 's over it now . When dinner is over , Eames ' mother draws Eames aside for a moment , and then they part ways . " Well , they like you , " says Eames . " That 's good , " says Arthur , who hadn 't realized he was hoping for approval . " Mum said it 's about time I had someone more serious to ground me . " They descend into the subway together . Eame shoves his hands into his pockets . " I didn 't realize your mum was gone , too , " he says . " I m sorry . " " I don 't care , " says Arthur . " W weren 't that close . She as sick for a long time anyway . " " Still . Don ' you ever feel lonely ? " And Arthur doesn 't know . So h just tells Eames he 'll go to the wedding , after all . There 's another week of preparation , a rehearsal dinner , and the wedding takes place on a Sunday . Arth r hovers awkwardly in the back during the ceremony , feeling like an intruder . It 's mercifully short . They say a few prayers , the vows are recited , and the ceremony 's over , and EamIt takes him three connections and more than twenty - four hours before he arrives in Brisbane , with a vague sense of surprise . He w sn 't aware his flight had any purpose to it - - only that he 'd needed to get as far away as possible from Eames and Cobb and New York . Now he 's in Brisbane and he doesn 't really know what to do with himself . He hails a taxi outside the terminal . Give the driver the first and only address to come to mind . They re there in less than half an hour . Arthur gets out . The ouse is unsurprisingly small . It 's white and a little shabby - looking . Ther 's a young woman kneeling in the front garden with a trowel , and a little boy crouched next to her . Arth r recognizes his sister - in - law and nephew . She looks up as he approaches , shielding her eyes from the sun . It 's late afternoon in Australia ; the sun is beating on his back . He r grets wearing a coat . " Hi , " he says , stopping . " U . I 'm ooking for . . . " He glances back round at the taxi , uncertainly . This is stupid , really . What the hell is he even doing here ? " I 'm . . . never mind , " he says . He s akes his head , backs up a step and turns away . " S rry . Neve mind . " " Wait , " she says , as he starts to walk back to the cab , hands in his pockets . " A thur . " He stops and turns back to face her . She ets to her feet , brushing off her knees and smiling , a pretty smile that shows off her straight white teeth . " You 're David 's brother , " she says . " I . . . yeah . " She steps out of the garden , walks up and gives him a hug . It t kes Arthur entirely by surprise . He o ly just thinks to hug her back and she laughs , delighted . " He 's going to be so happy to see you ! Is i a surprise ? " " Yeah , " says Arthur . " I guess so . " " He 's not home yet , he will be soon . He 's going to be thrilled . Noah " she says to the little boy . " L ok ! This is your Uncle Arthur . " The toddler is still crouched in the garden , now stabbing at the dirt with the trowel his mother dropped . He l oks up , and he 's got David 's dark hair and features , but Emily 's wide smile , lighOnce Arthur has adjusted to the vast difference in time , he and his brother spend evenings sitting in the backyard , drinking beer and watching the stars come out . Befo e now , the last time Arthur saw stars was on an overnight flight to Chicago . Nothing could ever make him understand what made his brother decide to drop out of college , but he 's starting to see what David likes about Australia . It 's different from Manhattan . Slow r . More relaxed . And here 's Emily . Arth r always just assumed that she 'd been a fling , that David had married her when he knocked her up because it was the right thing to do and David is a good guy like that , but he 's wrong . They re so in love . Noah was probably the happiest accident that could have ever happened to them , because it 's so obvious that he is the light of their lives , apart from each other . They re like Cobb and Mal , people Arthur can picture growing old together , never tiring of each other 's company . They don 't have much - - they consider take - out a special treat - - but they have each other and Noah and that 's more than enough . And Arthur 's so jealous . But it hurts less , on this side of the world . David watches the stars . Arth r watches the possums . They scurry along the branches of the gum tree in the yard . Arth r likes them . He 's never liked animals before . He s pposes he never slowed down long enough to pay any of them attention until now . Arthur 's pretty sure his brother knows something is wrong , but he doesn 't pry . Most y they just reminisce , about a childhood that 's nothing but a blur to Arthur now , memories David cherishes and Arthur doesn 't even remember , but suddenly wishes he did . " What do you think of Emily ? " Davi asks unexpectedly one night , picking at the label on his beer bottle . " She 's lovely , " Arthur says . " D es she have a sister ? " David laughs . Then still smiling , he squints sidelong at Arthur . " Would you be interested if I said she did ? " Arthur looks down at his own beer bottle . He s akes his head . " I kind of have someone , " he mutters . " B ck hoAustralia is perfect , but Arthur realizes he has to leave when he finally checks his PDA . He e pects a barrage of text messages from Eames , and hasn 't had the nerve to check until now . He finds two voice mails and five emails from Cobb , and . . . nothing from Eames . No texts . No e ails . No m ssed calls . Arthur has made a terrible mistake . David drives him to the airport and they embrace , briefly , outside the terminal . " Don 't leave it so long next time , " David says . " Y u should come for Christmas . It 's in the middle of the summer here , it 's nice . " " Maybe I will , " Arthur says , and he actually means it . He h s a family . It f els good . He 's in New York , home , twenty - four hours later , and since it 's the morning , he goes to his office first . Cobb looks startled when Arthur knocks on his open door to announce his presence , the same way Mal looked at the reception . " Arthur ! " he says , getting to his feet , but before he can say anything else , Arthur cuts him off . " I quit . " Cobb looks even more stunned . " Y u quit ? " he says , as if to make sure . Arth r takes a deep breath and nods . " I quit . I 'm iving my two weeks ' . " Cobb 's eyebrows draw together in a sudden frown . " W ll , I don 't accept your resignation . " " You have to , " Arthur blurts out , taken aback . " Not if this is about that wedding . You ' e not as cowardly as that , Arthur . " " Oh . " Arth r hovers momentarily , then crosses the room and takes a seat on the other side of Cobb 's desk . Cobb sits , too . " N . It 's not about that . I 'm . . I 'm ith Eames . And . . " This may be the most difficult thing he 's ever spit out : " I 'm not . . . ashamed of that . " " Oh , " says Cobb . " B cause . . . you know that doesn 't bother me . " Arthur swallows . " I know . " Now Cobb looks concerned . " T en what is this about ? " " I don 't like this job , " Arthur says . " I never have . I li e the money , but I can 't do this anymore , Dom , I 'm burnt out . " " Oh . " Cobb starts to nod , still frowning . " W at will you do next ? " " I don 't know , " Arthur admits . " T ke a breakWhen he knocks on Eames ' door and tries the doorknob , he finds it unlocked . Eame is kneeling in the kitchenette , surrounded by boxes , packing away his cutlery drawer . " You 're packing , " Arthur says , surprised . " Yep . " Eame doesn 't even look up . " S ck of this old place . " " Can I come in ? " Eames gets to his feet , brushing dust off his knees . " W at did you want ? " " To apologize , " says Arthur . " S . Well I 'm orry . " " Not accepted . Now iss off . " " I wanted to give this another shot , " Arthur says , trying to be dogged . " I missed you and I didn 't mean what I said , I just panicked . I wa t to be with you , Eames . " Eames walks closer , closing the gap between them , until he is standing very close . " I told you if you jerked me around one more time , I 'd be done , " he says flatly . " W ll . I 'm one , Arthur . Ther 's only so much bullshit I can take . I 'm one . " " Okay , " says Arthur . He c ears his throat , which suddenly seems to be uncomfortably tight , and has to blink a few times , looking aside . " O ay . Ah . hat s fair . So , h - - " " Arthur , " Eames says suspiciously . " A e you crying ? " " Sorry . " Arth r turns away slightly , brushing briskly at his eye and clearing his throat again . His oice is hoarse . " I 's just , I had all this shit I wanted to say to you and I can 't even remember any of it now , stuff like how I was an asshole , and I quit my job today because I want to be a different person - - I want to feel better , the way I do when I 'm with you , and I was too scared to admit that you made me happier than I 've been . . . ever , I 've never been happy , Eames , I didn 't even know what happy was until we decided to have a relationship . " His hroat - clearing turns into a cough , because there seems to be a thick lump in his throat and he can hardly speak around it , and tears are falling freely now . " I m just really tired and I want to stop being someone I 'm not , now , and I don 't really know what I am , I 'm not attracted to other men , and I just don 't like women as much as I want to be able to & & & epilogue ncon Arthur works for a private equity firm . He is a pretty good cook now that he has someone to cook for , and he works about fifty to sixty hours a week , which is a pretty reasonable compromise for someone with Arthur 's drive . And if he sometimes needs some help balancing his work with his life , well , that 's what Eames is there for . He 's almost thirty - three and has no plans to get married any time soon , and that 's just fine . His salary is considerable and that 's fine too , because that way he can afford for him and Eames to visit their families and go on vacations now and then , whenever Arthur needs a break from work . He 's not gay and he 's not straight either ; he doesn 't have to put a label on it because he just likes Eames and that 's all there is to it . Because Eames may be impatient sometimes , he may be rough and he may like to push Arthur , but as it turns out , he is also quite tender and loving , as far as partners go . Arthur wouldn 't know ; he 's only had one real partner . It 's almost Christmas . When Arthur gets home from work Eames is already there , hunched over his desk , reading glasses perched on his nose as he marks test papers by lamplight . Arthur joins him , sliding the glasses away from his face and leaning down for a kiss . " Oi , I need those , " Eames says , when Arthur 's pulled away . He takes them back and wipes them carefully on his shirt . " How was work ? " " Good . Boring , but good - boring . You ? " " Just three more days , " Eames sighs , " and then two whole weeks off from the little terrors . " He complains , but Arthur knows he 's full of shit , because he loves his job , more than Arthur ever could love his , and his students like him . " Tell you a secret , " Eames had said once , back then . " I went for the full - time position because I was hoping you 'd think me worth staying with if I had a real job . " And Arthur had replied frankly , " I quit so you 'd stay with me . " " I took care of the cooking tonight , so you don 't have to , " Eames calls after him , when Arthur goes into the bedroom to dump his briefcase . Series this work belongs to :

on January 27 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria Yesterday , I spent most of the day in seach for a family car . My car is a two door sports car , so its not really suitable to haul Haruka in , although she seems to enjoy the roughness of the ride . So , my wife and I decided that getting a more practical second car is in order , and we needed to find something big enough to tote the dogs along too . After looking on the internet for the car we are looking for , I managed to located one up in Saitama Prefecture which is about 70 kilometers away . Unfortunately , when I got up to the dealership , they had just sold the car that I was looking for . As a matter of fact , the car was still sitting on the lot waiting for it 's new owner to come and pick it up . I was quite disappointed because it looked to me just what we were looking for . Today was my wife 's turn to go out on her outing , and my turn to stay home alone with Haruka . The last time I stayed home with her , the day went very smoothly . And aside from a few moments of fussiness during the afternoon , today was pretty uneventful as well . Haruka slept for most of the day after having a huge bottle of formula . I was even able to watch my DVDs and write my emails , so I can 't complain . The very few moments when she was awake , she was a bit fussy , but after bouncing her on my lap for a few minutes , I managed to get a real exciting and very loud laugh out of her . It was the first time I heard her laugh like that so it was a pretty great moment . But after several minutes of boucing her around , she started to cry to indicate she had enough , so I put her in her cradle and she fell asleep soon afterwards . on January 22 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria As of last Friday , I finally got my Japanese driver 's license . Apparently , according to the Japan Traffic Act 107 . 2 , as of 2003 it 's illegal to drive more than 12 months using an International Driving Permit , which I had been doing . So in turn , I have been driving illegally for the last 4 + years . So for the last 6 months or so , I have been trying desparately to get a driver 's license in Japan . It doesn 't sound too difficult , but in reality , it was literally much easier to get permanant a residence card . But that 's all in the past , and now I am licensed to drive ( full story here ) . Over the weekend , I was experimenting with different ways of getting Haruka to go to sleep faster . Although the cradle and rocking her to sleep is effective most of the times , sometimes during the day , she is too energized and can 't sleep . So I figured the best way to get her to sleep when she is so pumped up full of energy , is to tire her out . Not an easy task as you can imagine , and usually I 'm the one who tires out first . But by chance , I had stumbled on a couple of really effective ways of helping her use her excess energy . One way is to make her stand . As mentioned in a previous entry , Haruka likes to stand on my lap , and she is getting better at it everyday . So last Sunday , I stood her on my lap and bounced her around for a while . At first she really enjoyed it , making all kinds of happy noises . But after a while she got tired and started to whimper . Instead of sitting her down , I made her stand a bit longer until her whimpers turned into a full cry , then I sat her down on the sofa . She 'll sat there for a while and either watched TV or looked around the room for a while . After several minutes of sitting she then start to whimper again . And again I just let her be until she started to cry . Then when she started crying I picked her up and cradled her in my arms a bit . After a while of that , she got fussy again which is the signal that she wants to sleep , so I placed her in her cradle and she fell asleep . My wife repeated this process while I was at work yesterday , and she said it worked , so we found one good method . The second method , which I discovered today , is to watch Michael Jackson 's 1987 Bad concert DVD that I downloaded . Since there is a lot of colorful lights and music in the video , it really got her attention . As a matter of fact , it kept her attention for a good 20 minutes until she started getting tired and started to whimper . This is a lot longer than anything I 've done before . It was quite impressive that a concert DVD could keep the attention of a 2 month old baby for 20 minutes . Eventually she fell asleep from over stimulation . Obviously , this isn 't something I can do everyday , so the first method seems to be the method of choice . Finally , Haruka turned 8 weeks old today . She is progressing nicely and makes all kinds of funny sounds . My wife and I talk to her a lot , and this seems to encourage her to make more noises . Hopefully her language skills develop quicky so she can talk back to us sometime soon . on January 20 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria Yesterday , we went out on our first outing with the dogs . Actually , since it was quite cold outside , so we just took a quick stroll around the block . Haruka didn 't partically show a like or dislike to being outside . The sunlight seemed to have bothered her a bit , but that was really about it . Little by little , things are starting to change . Haruka is discovering new ways of communicating other than crying and waving her arms and feet around , like she has been . Before , when she woke up in the mornings , the first thing she would do is cry . And although that hasn 't really changed , instead of continuously crying until we shoved a bottle in her mouth to quiet her , she would stop as soon as one of us picks her up . In some cases , just walking over to her crib or cradle or wherever she happens to be , is enough to quiet her . Futhermore , she has been making a lot of eye contact with us and laughs when we talk to her . She 's particularly fond of when one of us says " oooooooo " to her . Not sure why , bust she seems to be the most responsive to this sound and often repeats it or laughs when she hears it . This is a refreshing change from just shoving a bottle in her mouth when she cries , and rocking her to sleep when she 's done . Now I feel as if I have to some degree established a better bond with her , whereas before she seemed to be no more than an oversized goldfish with a very loud voice . I know that she still has a long ways to go , but at least the change has begun . on January 17 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria Just a quick note : I have made some changes to the configurations on this blog server . If you are seeing this , then everything went as planned , otherwise you would be seeing nothing . Seeing that I am able to access this page from work now , then I think I can safely assume that things went well . Up until now , I wasn 't able to access my blog from work because they ( my company ) had blocked out port 81 ( an alternate http port ) , which I use for this blog server - as opposed to the usual port 80 . So I would have to do all my updating from my home PC or a nearby internet cafe . This is also in preparation for installing a live web camera in the future , which I am testing now . After using port sniffers and other what nots , I have discovered that they don 't block port 8080 ( another alternate http port ) , so I have changed this blog server over to port 8080 . An easy task in theory , but with all of the search engines still pointing to 81 , I had to create a few redirects , and change the DNS redirect . . blah blah blah . The bottom line is , now I can access my blog from work now , and no one should have any problems accessing my blog unless you have port 8080 blocked ( which is unlikely ) . Access should be still be transparent to everyone . Enough with the tech talk . Haruka 's uproars are still happening , but less frequently . She gets very fussy between the hours of 6pm and 9pm , which seems to be quite common for babies with colic . Nothing can really explain why colicky babies tend to get the most fussiest between these hours , but in a way it 's good , because we can now predict approximately when she will have her tantrums . Up until last night , her crying would be small little whimpers , as if she were complaining that she was sleepy , and all we would have to do is just rock her to sleep . But last night was a bit different . I got home from work a bit earlier than usual , and Haruka was wide awake . She wasn 't crying , but I could tell that the 7 o ' clock show was just about begin , and I had front row seats . The usual routine would be to prepare her formula and feed her before she started the real blood curddling crying . And as usual , she took to the milk and looked to be falling asleep as she sipped down the last few drops that were left in the bottle . After her feeding , I waited about 30 minutes until her mouth opened and she started snoring ( the usual sign that she is fast asleep - deep sleep ) . This was about when the usual routine de - railed . After I placed her in her cradle ( as I usually do ) her eyes opened widely and she stared right at me , as if she were potesting , where are you going ? I 'm still awake ! No worries , this happens sometimes , and the usual solution would be to turn on the rocker so that the cradle swayed automatically . But for some reason , this didn 't work . She started to whimper , which escalated into crying . There was about another 2 hours to go before her bath . Bathing her too ealier would screw up her schedule . And although I am not the one for sticking to monotonous routines , this is one routine that you did not want to change . Two hours could be the difference between having to wake up once at 4 AM or waking up serveral times and feeding her . And although I am no longer in charge of her midnight feedings , we try to make things as convenient as possible for my wife and Haruka . So the chore was to keep her fed , changed , and entertained until her bath time . Easier said than done ! When she 's asleep , there is usually a grace period between the time she soils her diapers and the time she starts to let us know about it . But when she 's awake , there is no grace period . It 's an almost instantanious reaction which can happen several times in a period of 30 minutes . There were times when I had just changed her , only to find out that she needed changing again less than a minute later . Feeding is less of a hassle , but still a hassle none - the - less . Haruka likes having a full stomach . A trait she undoubtedly inherited from her mother . When she 's asleep , she doesn 't complain about being hungry until her tank is low . But when she stays awake , and burning calories from her constant wiggling around , she tends to start complaining when the needle is pointing to 3 / 4 tank . That means that she has to almost constantly have a bottle in her mouth . And god forbid if that bottle ever when empty , all hell would break loose . Finally the REALLY challenging part : keeping her entertained . We could have a three ring circus in the living room and it still would not be enough to keep this girl 's attention . Haruka 's latest phase is her fondness for sitting , as opposed to being cradled or laying on her back . I take the blame on this one , because I am the one who introduced her to the glorious world of sitting on the sofa . And of course she can 't do this by herself yet , so we have to monitor her constantly as she sits on the sofa and takes in the sights of the vast space we foundly refer to as the living room . After a while , sitting on the sofa also becomes a bore for her , so she demands to do her second favorite fun activity . Yes , I have take the blame for this one as well . Haruka adores standing on my lap or anyone 's lap ( with support of course ) . I guess this allows her to exercise her leg muscles , so it maybe helpful . But since she finds this so entertaining , she would have not have any problems with standing for hours . If only I could somehow communicate to her that later in life she will have more than PLENTY of oppotunities to stand ( in lines , buses , trains , etc . ) so she shouldn 't be in such a rush to do it . So after 2 + hours of keeping her fed , changed , and entertained while trying to get her to sleep all at the same time non - stop all in an effort to prevent her from bursting into an uncontrollable tanrum , she finally got tired and dozed off . Unfortunately , she fell asleep at bath time . I was more than willing to skip one night of bathing her in exchange for a moment of peace and quiet , but the wife insisted that after all of the crying and spit - ups , among other unsanitary human functions , she really needed a bath . Luckily , Haruka rarely cries while bathing , and she usually falls right to sleep after a bath . But last night Haruka was not going to make things easy for us . The bath was uneventful . The near hot water seems to soothe her to the point where she nearly falls asleep in the bath . I usually have my own set of games for her while bathing her . One of favorites , which I call the waterbed , is holding her flat on her back and moving her back and forth in the water . She seems to enjoy this as well . After her bath , the usual routine would be to give her A LOT of milk that is almost hot to the touch . Hot milk also soothes her . Usually we give her mildly warm milk , but at bedtime , Haruka seems to prefer hotter milk . At first , she will complain that it 's too hot , but then she would happily slurp it down as if there 's no tomorrow . We also give her about 20 to 40ml more than the usual amount , just short of making her spit up . This took many tries to find just the right amount . I think the feelingof being stuffed with hot milk not only makes her sleep better , but longer as well . However , last night , since I was continuously giving her milk prior to her bath , the hot milk trick didn 't work because she was already full . This made her very fussy because she didn 't have the hot milk to aid her into sleep . So it was the same pre - bath ritual all over again . This time , minus the feeding . The intention here was to make her hungry so that she would take enough of the hot milk to make her sleep . This was very difficult , because we continuosly had to give her attention or she would throw an absolutely insane tantrum . My wife and I took turns for another 2 + hours trying to tire her out . It was two thirty - somethings versus a 7 week old . When you factor in energy and stamina at 11pm at night , especially after a day of work , I can 't help to think that a 7 week old will win everytime in this type of situation . In the end , Haruka finally finished the bottle of milk I had made for her ealier , and eventually she did fall asleep . But last night was pretty tough . I think I will have to rest up while I am at work so I can face the challenges that await me at home . on January 13 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria Haruka 's continuous crying has been extremely difficult on the nerves . It is believed that babies who have chronic colic can cause neurosis in new parents . As a result , many babies suffer from SBS ( Shaken Baby Syndrome ) , from parents who sometimes resort to an act of unintentional violence againts an infant in an effort to quiet them . Sadly , this can ultimately resort in severe brain damage , and sometimes even in death . Admittedly , there were times where Haruka 's crying got so disturbingly bad , it really got on my nerves to the point where I wanted to put her in a closet somewhere until she stopped crying ( of course , I 've never done this , and never will ) . I know that she has no control over this , nor does she mean to make anyone upset . But there were times when things got pretty desparate . I think the worse thing I 've done so far was to leave her crying in her crib for over an hour . I felt really bad about this , but later I learned that this is quite acceptable when dealing with babies with chronic colic . It doesn 't feel right , and it seems like a form of abuse in itself , but in reality its a way to cool down so that you don 't unintentially do the wrong thing . One choice which I have contunally avoided resorting to , is using pacifiers . I have a good reason for this which many people don 't quite understand . Basically I see way too many babies children who use pacifiers well past the age of 2 . This , of course is in no way the baby 's fault , but rather the parent 's fault for over - using a pacifier to hush the child for their own convenience . Everytime the child cries ( for any reason ) , rather than trying to find the cause for the crying , some parents tend to shove a pacifier in their mouths just to shut them up . What they fail to understand is that most babies cry for a reason , and that reason should be addressed . In turn , the child becomes somewhat emotionally addicted to the pacifier , which eventually becomes the only way to soothe them . Even Harvey Karp , MD stated that the use of pacifiers should only done properly , which is NOT when the baby was crying . Most parents tend to use a pacifier to quiet a crying baby , when they should only really be used to soothe a baby who has stopped crying . Karp also went on to state that a pacifier should be removed after the baby is asleep , and useage should be weaned off by 5 months of age . I see a lot of parents who do none of these things . But having said all this , I believe that Haruka 's crying has died down considerably lately . As a matter of fact , it has gotten to the point when we can predict when she will cry ( without a reason ) because its usually the same time everyday , aside from the usual change me , feed me cries . Soothing her still remains the challenge . While one method might work one day , it may or may not necessarily work the next day , or ever work again for that matter . But we usually go down the usual list of soothing methods , and one of the methods usually will work . And if none of them work ( which is getting quite rare these days ) she 'll sometimes just fall of asleep on her own . on January 12 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria Today we took Haruka to the hospital for her one month check ( 2 weeks late due to the winter holidays ) . And as expected , Haruka is in perfect health and flourishing well . As a matter of fact , the pediatrician commented that she has gained more weight than normal , but still within good range . She was a trooper today . She didn 't even cry once throughout the whole check up . As a matter of fact , aside from accidently peeing all over the scale when she was being weighed , she was very good today . She made a lot of gurgling and cooing sounds as if she enjoyed the extra attention , which the pediatrician commented as being a good thing . She even smiled a couple of times . Fortunately , Haruka passed her 1 month check with flying colors , which made us all happy . Seeing Haruka everday , I guess it didn 't quite register in my mind as to how much she has actually grown and changed in the last month , unless I look at past pictures . The only real indicator was an occasional strain in the back and neck from carrying her too long , or when I noticed that my fingers don 't quite wrap around her head as well as they used to when I give her her bath . But today , when we went to the hospital and saw a baby who was in for his 1 week checkup , it became really apparent as to how much Haruka has really grown . Because compared to that one week old , Haruka looked huge , even though she 's still very tiny . on January 11 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria Up until now , Haruka has had very little control over her body . Often times , we would put her to sleep and she would wake up crying minutes later because she had slapped herself in the face or poked her eye with her fingers . A few weeks ago , my wife was shocked to see Haru sticking up her middle finger at her . Undoubtably , it was not a controlled action , but quite funny . Swaddling has cut down the attacks from the anarchic extremities , and she is starting gain some degree of control . Lately , Haru 's favorite past time has been to sit up and look at her mother or me . She has better control over her neck muscles now , so she is able to sit up with some support and turn her head back and forth . She 's also getting good at immitating facial expressions and making gurgling sounds . But the one thing Haruka likes to do the most is standing up . Of course , she can 't do this without help , but she love to stand on my lap while I hold her up . She even jumps up and down , or at least tries to . I can tell that her legs have gotten a lot stronger . When I lay her on her stomach , she 'll try to push herself along the floor with her legs like a little worm . She still needs a lot of practice before her dragging turns into a real crawl , but it 's a good start . Unfortunately since returning to work last Monday , I have had less opportunities to take pictures of our beloved daughter . So at times , I have had to hold off on writing new stuff until I take at least one presentable picture of her . But now , this is no longer a problem . I have finally completed Haruka 's Picture Gallery ( link can be also be found on the left of this page ) . But in the interest of privacy and safety , I have password protected this page . I will email the password to family friends and relatives as soon as I can . If you don 't receive email from me or my wife with the password , and if you think you 're our friend or a relative , then please just email me or leave a comment . If we know and trust you , I will most likely send you the password , otherwise just enjoy the pictures that will periodically appear in the blog . The pictures in the gallery will be updated once a week until Haruka is 8 weeks old , then once a month after that . Also I have changed some of the links in the " My Favorite Links " section . They are basically some of the sites I visit often to research baby stuff . One of the more interesting points in the book is the so - called fourth trimester . At first , I thought it was a ridiculous notion to think that full - term babies in general are born 3 months too early . But after reading Karp 's reasoning for this , it did seem to make a lot of sense . In his book , Karp says that human babies are born developementally earlier than the other mammals , so that the can pass through their mother 's birth canal better . Moreover , maturity - wise , Karp considers them to still be fetuses . But , by three months of age , they seem to have a better grasp of the world , communicate better , and are more intuitive with their parents . This all made sense to a certain degree , but it doesn 't quite explain premature babies . Although some premature babies tend to develop a bit slower than others , many thrive right after birth . I have a hard time believing that a baby born two months early would be considered a fetus until they are five months old . In the last couple of weeks , I can definately see a positve change in Haruka 's overall behavior . Hence , according to Karp , I guess this means that she is navigating through the latter half of the fourth trimester a bit better than the first half . She still cries a lot , but Karp 's method of soothing seems to work well . Haruka is particularly better behaved when she is swaddled and swung ( in her swing cradle ) , but there are still times when she is impossible to soothe , ( even properly using all five of the so - called five S 's ) , and we all have to just ride out the storm . Those difficult periods are noticeably decreasing though . Haruka is changing in appearance almost everyday . When I was rocking her to sleep last night , I noticed that her eye lashes have grown considerably longer in the last week . And I 'm not sure if its due to genetics , or spending most of the day asleep in a brightly sunlit room , but she seems to have darkened a bit . She looks to have a slight tan now . on January 5 , 2008 • by Haruka - Victoria Today , we had Haruka blessed at the neighborhood Buddhist shrine . With her ever changing temperament , I wasn 't sure if she would be able sit though the priest 's incantations , but she was very good through almost the whole thing . I guess the experience of being somewhere she 's never been captured her attention for a while , but towards the end , she got a bit fussy . But with the combination of the cold breeze outside , and possibly hunger - because it was so close to her feeding time , it 's was perfectly understandable that she got a bit impatient towards the end . Even I was hoping that the ceromony would end quickly because it was quite cold today . I was just happy that she didn 't cry through the entire blessing ceremony like I expected her to . Afterwards , my wife , my mother , Haruka and I had lunch at our house and spend a quiet afternoon at home . Originally , we were planning to go out to have lunch at a proper restaurant followed by a professional photo shoot across town , but Haruka probably wouldn 't have been in the mood for it . And besides , I 've already got a whole hard disk full of pictures of her crying , so I didn 't need anymore . So we decided to wait until she 's a bit older and has developed enough patience to sit through a photo shoot . Also , I think it would be better to have proper pictures taken when she has a fuller head of hair .

Sooner or later , the great men turn out to be all alike . They never stop working . They never lose a minute . It is very depressing . - V . S . Pritchett Along with all of these visitors came a steady stream of comments and e - mails - including a few e - mails from editors and literary agents suggesting that I turn the blog into a book . Two weeks after the Slate article came out , I signed on with one of those agents ; over Christmas vacation , I wrote a book proposal . By April 2009 , after lots of back - and - forth with several editors , I signed a contract with my dream publisher , Knopf . Now , four years later , the Daily Routines book - officially titled Daily Rituals : How Artists Work - is finally coming out . It presents the routines and working habits of 161 creative minds - among them , novelists , poets , playwrights , composers , painters , philosophers , and scientists . It is packed with anecdotes about getting up super early , staying up super late , drinking heroic amounts of coffee , taking precisely timed naps and long daily walks , and much more . INTERVIEWERPeople say that you have great self - discipline and that you never let a day go by without working . At what time do you start ? DE BEAUVOIRI 'm always in a hurry to get going , though in general I dislike starting the day . I first have tea and then , at about ten o ' clock , I get under way and work until one . Then I see my friends and after that , at five o ' clock , I go back to work and continue until nine . I have no difficulty in picking up the thread in the afternoon . When you leave , I 'll read the paper or perhaps go shopping . Most often it 's a pleasure to work . INTERVIEWERWhen do you see Sartre ? DE BEAUVOIRIt depends to some extent on what I 'm writing . If the work is going well , I spend a quarter or half an hour reading what I wrote the day before , and I make a few corrections . Then I continue from there . In order to pick up the thread I have to read what I 've done . INTERVIEWERDo your writer friends have the same habits as you ? DE BEAUVOIRNo , it 's quite a personal matter . Genet , for example , works quite differently . He puts in about twelve hours a day for six months when he 's working on something and when he has finished he can let six months go by without doing anything . As I said , I work every day except for two or three months of vacation when I travel and generally don 't work at all . I read very little during the year , and when I go away I take a big valise full of books , books that I don 't have time to read . But if the trip lasts a month or six weeks , I do feel uncomfortable , particularly if I 'm between two books . I get bored if I don 't work . The Paris Review , Spring - Summer 1965 ( Thanks to Marcine Miller . ) Perhaps the finest writer ever to use speed systematically , however , was W . H . Auden . He swallowed Benzedrine every morning for twenty years , from 1938 onward , balancing its effect with the barbiturate Seconal when he wanted to sleep . ( He also kept a glass of vodka by the bed , to swig if he woke up during the night . ) He took a pragmatic attitude toward amphetamines , regarding them as a " labor - saving device " in the " mental kitchen , " with the important proviso that " these mechanisms are very crude , liable to injure the cook , and constantly breaking down . " Fitfully . I 'll write something , but it won 't be the beginning or the middle or the end - - I 'm just getting an idea out on the page . Then , as the words accumulate , I start thinking about how they need to be organized . Nothing , except for the computer screen . I write from memory , as if I were writing a novel . When I finish a day 's writing I go back and check the text against my notes to make sure the facts and quotes are right , and that I haven 't inadvertently made anything up . The quotes are almost always accurate because by that point I 've gone over the material so many times in my head . I 've always written best very early in the morning and very late at night . I write very little in the middle of the day . If I do any work in the middle of the day , it is editing what I 've written that morning . Left to my own devices , with no family , I 'd start writing at seven p . m . and stop at four a . m . That is the way I used to write . I liked to get ahead of everybody . I 'd think to myself , " I 'm starting tomorrow 's workday , tonight ! " Late nights are wonderfully tranquil . No phone calls , no interruptions . I like the feeling of knowing that nobody is trying to reach me . No , I 've written in every conceivable circumstance . I like writing in my office , which is an old redwood cabin about a hundred yards from my house in Berkeley . It has a kitchen , a little bedroom , a bathroom , and a living room , which I use as as study . But I 've written in awful enough situations that I know that the quality of the prose doesn 't depend on the circumstance in which it is composed . I don 't believe the muse visits you . I believe that you visit the muse . If you wait for that " perfect moment " you 're not going to be very productive . PAUL AUSTER : The usual . I got up in the morning . I read the paper . I drank a pot of tea . And then I went over to the little apartment I have in the neighborhood and worked for about six hours . After that , I had to do some business . My mother died two years ago , and there was one last thing to take care of concerning her estate - a kind of insurance bond I had to sign off on . So , I went to a notary public to have the papers stamped , then mailed them to the lawyer . I came back home . I read my daughter 's final report card . And then I went upstairs and paid a lot of bills . A typical day , I suppose . A mix of working on the book and dealing with a lot of boring , practical stuff . JL : For me , five or six hours of writing is plenty . That 's a lot . So , if I get that many hours the other stuff feels satisfying . The other stuff feels like a kind of grace . But if I have to do that stuff when I haven 't written - PA : I 've found that writing novels is an all - absorbing experience - both physical and mental - and I have to do it every day in order to keep the rhythm , to keep myself focused on what I 'm doing . Even Sunday , if possible . If there 's no family thing happening that day , I 'll at least work in the morning . Whenever I travel , I get thrown off completely . If I 'm gone for two weeks , it takes me a good week to get back into the rhythm of what I was doing before . JL : I like the word " physical . " I have the same fetish for continuity . I don 't really ask of myself a given word or page count or number of hours . To work every day , that 's my only fetish . And there is a physical quality to it when a novel is thriving . It has an athletic component . You 're keeping a streak going . PA : Writing is physical for me . I always have the sense that the words are coming out of my body , not just my mind . I write in longhand , and the pen is scratching the words onto the page . I can even hear the words being written . So much of the effort that goes into writing prose for me is about making sentences that capture the music that I 'm hearing in my head . It takes a lot of work , writing , writing , and rewriting to get the music exactly the way you want it to be . That music is a physical force . Not only do you write books physically , but you read books physically as well . There 's something about the rhythms of language that correspond to the rhythms of our own bodies . An attentive reader is finding meanings in the book that can 't be articulated , finding them in his or her body . I think this is what so many people don 't understand about fiction . Poetry is supposed to be musical . But people don 't understand prose . They 're so used to reading journalism - clunky , functional sentences that convey factual information - facts , more than just the surfaces of things . By training , Robert Caro is a journalist . By profession , he is a biographer , among the most highly acclaimed living , thanks to his four books - three volumes on [ Lyndon ] Johnson and a saga about the New York public - works titan Robert Moses . But in his daily life , Caro more resembles a scientist , driven by the principle that you understand something only by observing it , watching it with great concentration and for a long time . In his New York City office , where everything has its particular place , he works long hours , seven days a week , poring through interview transcripts and primary source notes , working slowly and deliberately on books he publishes , on average , once every 10 years . His meticulous routine is sometimes painful , he says , but necessary . Only by gathering as many facts as possible , cataloging them , cross - checking them and sitting with them at great length , can he choose the right words to re - create the past inside his readers ' heads . Words matter to Caro . " I have always thought , " he told me this winter , " that in nonfiction , the level of the writing has to be as good as any novel if it is going to endure . " " This building used to be filled with writers , " Caro says as he lets a visitor into his Manhattan office , two blocks south of Central Park . " They 're all gone now . Now it 's just me . " Caro receives his own guests here . He has no secretary or bright young assistant to fetch coffee or comb through files . The only person he really trusts with his work is Ina [ his wife ] ; she keeps her own office further uptown . He does not use a computer . He does have a telephone , but its chief virtue , Caro says , is that it " can be turned off . " There are seldom knocks on the door . Still , Caro wears a coat and tie to the office each morning so he never forgets when he sits down with his research that he is going to work . Every inch of the New York office is governed by rules . There are regulations for book placement ( general nonfiction on the post - Cold War is farthest from Caro 's desk ; books on his immediate subject are kept closest ) and the stacking of notebooks ( new interview subjects , like the JFK speechwriter Theodore Sorensen , sit at the top of the heap , while the oldest interviews , like Johnson 's brother , Sam Houston , inhabit the bottom ) . The western wall contains only a giant outline - 20 pages that get Caro from the beginning to the end of each book . " I trained myself to be organized , " he explains , pointing almost apologetically at his massive writer 's map . " If you 're fumbling around trying to remember what notebook has what quote , you can 't be in the room with the people you 're writing about . " Even Caro 's home is governed by a code he created to keep himself productive and sane . The Caros ' Upper West Side apartment is filled with books , his collection and hers , but none sit in the dining or living rooms . " When he 's at home , he doesn 't want to think about his work , " Ina explains . Indeed , though they have each devoted their lives to him for more than three decades , the Caros have a policy of not discussing Lyndon Johnson , at dinner or anywhere else . Ina presents her research to Bob in typed reports , which her husband then marks up . " I know what he 's looking for without him telling me , " she explains . She rarely reads his work until it is in manuscript form . Despite all this activity Churchill 's daily routine changed little during these years . He awoke about 7 : 30 a . m . and remained in bed for a substantial breakfast and reading of mail and all the national newspapers . For the next couple of hours , still in bed , he worked , dictating to his secretaries . At 1 : 00 p . m . he joined guests and family for a three - course lunch . Clementine drank claret , Winston champagne , preferable Pol Roger served at a specific temperature , port brandy and cigars . When lunch ended , about 3 : 30 p . m . he returned to his study to work , or supervised work on his estate , or played cards or backgammon with Clementine . At 5 : 00 p . m . , after another weak whisky and soda , he went to be for an hour and a half . He said this siesta , a habit gained in Cuba , allowed him to work 1 1 / 2 days in every 24 hours . At 6 : 30 p . m . he awoke , bathed again , and dressed for dinner at 8 : 00 p . m . Dinner was the focal - point and highlight of Churchill 's day . Table talk , dominated by Churchill , was as important as the meal . Sometimes , depending on the company , drinks and cigars extended the event well past midnight . The guests retired , Churchill returned to his study for another hour or so of work . Although his presidency is barely a week old , some of Mr . Obama 's work habits are already becoming clear . He shows up at the Oval Office shortly before 9 in the morning , roughly two hours later than his early - to - bed , early - to - rise predecessor . Mr . Obama likes to have his workout - weights and cardio - first thing in the morning , at 6 : 45 . ( Mr . Bush slipped away to exercise midday . ) " There are certain things I do if I sit down to write , " he said . " I have a glass of water or a cup of tea . There 's a certain time I sit down , from 8 : 00 to 8 : 30 , somewhere within that half hour every morning , " he explained . " I have my vitamin pill and my music , sit in the same seat , and the papers are all arranged in the same places . The cumulative purpose of doing these things the same way every day seems to be a way of saying to the mind , you 're going to be dreaming soon . " It 's not any different than a bedtime routine , " he continued . " Do you go to bed a different way every night ? Is there a certain side you sleep on ? I mean I brush my teeth , I wash my hands . Why would anybody wash their hands before they go to bed ? I don 't know . And the pillows are supposed to be pointed a certain way . The open side of the pillowcase is supposed to be pointed in toward the other side of the bed . I don 't know why . " First drafts as early in the morning as possible , then second , then third ( retyping , I work on a manual ) . Once the first draft is 80 % completed I start on the second , so that there 's a conveyor belt of drafts in progress : this helps me to grasp the totality of the book . I accelerate towards the end , usually because I 'm on or past my deadline . Rituals . Smoking - - pipes , cigars , special brands , accessories , the whole bollocks . Coffee , tea , strange infusions - - I have a stove on my desk . Fetishising typewriters , pens , etc . Overall , though , I have a healthy appetite for solitude . If you don 't , you have no business being a writer . We now settled into a routine which has ever since served in my mind as an archetype , so that what I still mean when I speak of a " normal " day ( and lament that normal days are so rare ) is a day of the Bookham pattern . For if I could please myself I would always live as I lived there . I would choose always to breakfast at exactly eight and to be at my desk by nine , there to read or write till one . If a cup of good tea or coffee could be brought me about eleven , so much the better . A step or so out of doors for a pint of beer would not do quite so well ; for a man does not want to drink alone and if you meet a friend in the taproom the break is likely to be extended beyond its ten minutes . At one precisely lunch should be on the table ; and by two at the latest I would be on the road . Not , except at rare intervals , with a friend . Walking and talking are two very great pleasures , but it is a mistake to combine them . Our own noise blots out the sounds and silences of the outdoor world ; and talking leads almost inevitably to smoking , and then farewell to nature as far as one of our senses is concerned . The only friend to walk with is one ( such as I found , during the holidays , in Arthur ) who so exactly shares your taste for each mood of the countryside that a glance , a halt , or at most a nudge , is enough to assure us that the pleasure is shared . The return from the walk , and the arrival of tea , should be exactly coincident , and not later than a quarter past four . Tea should be taken in solitude , as I took it as Bookham on those ( happily numerous ) occasions when Mrs . Kirkpatrick was out ; the Knock himself disdained this meal . For eating and reading are two pleasures that combine admirably . Of course not all books are suitable for mealtime reading . It would be a kind of blasphemy to read poetry at table . What one wants is a gossipy , formless book which can be opened anywhere . The ones I learned so to use at Bookham were Boswell , and a translation of Herodotus , and Lang 's History of English Literature . Tristram Shandy , EliaSurprised by Joy : The Shape of My Early Life " The alarm clock would go off at 5 , and I 'd jump in the shower . My office was 5 minutes away . And I had to be at my desk , at my office , with the first cup of coffee , a legal pad and write the first word at 5 : 30 , five days a week . " His goal : to write a page every day . Sometimes that would take 10 minutes , sometimes an hour ; ofttimes he would write for two hours before he had to turn to his job as a lawyer , which he never especially enjoyed . In the Mississippi Legislature , there were " enormous amounts of wasted time " that would give him the opportunity to write . ONCE UPON A TIME , a long time ago , a man took off his jacket and put on a sweater . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of sneakers . His name was Fred Rogers . He was starting a television program , aimed at children , called Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood . He had been on television before , but only as the voices and movements of puppets , on a program called The Children 's Corner . Now he was stepping in front of the camera as Mister Rogers , and he wanted to do things right , and whatever he did right , he wanted to repeat . And so , once upon a time , Fred Rogers took off his jacket and put on a sweater his mother had made him , a cardigan with a zipper . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of navy - blue canvas boating sneakers . He did the same thing the next day , and then the next . . . until he had done the same things , those things , 865 times , at the beginning of 865 television programs , over a span of thirty - one years . The first time I met Mister Rogers , he told me a story of how deeply his simple gestures had been felt , and received . He had just come back from visiting Koko , the gorilla who has learned - - or who has been taught - - American Sign Language . Koko watches television . Koko watches Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood , and when Mister Rogers , in his sweater and sneakers , entered the place where she lives , Koko immediately folded him in her long , black arms , as though he were a child , and then . . . " She took my shoes off , Tom , " Mister Rogers said . Koko was much bigger than Mister Rogers . She weighed 280 pounds , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 . Koko weighed 280 pounds because she is a gorilla , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 pounds because he has weighed 143 pounds as long as he has been Mister Rogers , because once upon a time , around thirty - one years ago , Mister Rogers stepped on a scale , and the scale told him that Mister Rogers weighs 143 pounds . No , not that he weighed 143 pounds , but that he weighs 143 pounds . . . . And so , every day , Mister Rogers refuses to do anything that would make his weight change - - he neither drinks , nor smokes , nor eats flesh of any kind , nor goes to bed late at night , nor sleeps late in the morning , nor even watches television - - and every morning , when he swims , he steps on a scale in his bathing suit and his bathing cap and his goggles , and the scale tells him he weighs 143 pounds . This has happened so many times that Mister Rogers has come to see that number as a gift , as a destiny fulfilled , because , as he says , " the number 143 means ' I love you . ' It takes one letter to say ' I ' and four letters to say ' love ' and three letters to say ' you . ' One hundred and forty - three . ' I love you . ' Isn 't that wonderful ? " [ This interview was conducted during the graphic designer 's one - year sabbatical in Bali , Indonesia . ] So , are you happy ? As I am very aware how boring it is to hear about other people being happy , I say only this : I get up every morning at 5 a . m . simply because it 's more exciting to start working than to turn around and sleep some more . I do seem to have a lot of energy . After enjoying a giant pot of coffee and a medium - sized cigar for breakfast , I start my daily schedule of little experiments . This is coming along very well . Print , February 2009 On most mornings after he moved to Arcueil , Satie would return to Paris on foot , a distance of about ten kilometres , stopping frequently at his favourite cafés on route . Accoring to Templier , " he walked slowly , taking small steps , his umbrella held tight under his arm . When talking he would stop , bend one knee a little , adjust his pince - nez and place his fist on his lap . The he would take off once more with small deliberate steps . " When he eventually reached Paris he visited friends , or arranged to meet them in other cafés by sending pneumatiques . Often the walking from place to place continued , focussing on Montmarte before the war , and subsequently on Montparnasse . From here , Satie would catch the last train back to Arcueil at about 1 . 00am , or , if he was still engaged in serious drinking , he would miss the train and begin the long walk home during the early hours of the morning . Then the daily round would begin again . Robert Orledge , Satie Remembered . French translations by Roger Nichols . ( Thanks to Tom Cunliffe . ) See also : " A Day in the Life of a Musician " by Erik Satie Can You Become a Great Writer by Emulating Flaubert 's Work Habits ? Is Waking Up Really Early the Secret to Artistic Success ? Marcel Proust , Franz Kafka , and Other Artists Who Wouldn 't Dream of Working in the DaylightArtists Who Drink Crazy Amounts of Coffee . ( Balzac Was a 50 - Cup - a - Day Man . ) The Secret to Ayn Rand 's Success : BenzedrineDid Drinking Make Hemingway and Fitzgerald Great - or Hold Them Back ? Eat Like an Artist : You 'll Be More Creative - and Lose Weight ! Why Are Great Composers - Tchaikovsky , Beethoven , Mahler - Obsessed With Taking Long Walks ? Great Architects Love a Good NapEdgar Allan Poe , Franz Kafka , and Other Great ProcrastinatorsDoes Masturbation Make You More or Less Creative ? Freud 's Wife Put the Toothpaste on His ToothbrushT . S . Eliot , Wallace Stevens , Joseph Heller : They All Had Day JobsBenjamin Franklin Liked Air Baths . Franz Kafka Did Naked Calisthenics . Great Artists Don 't Wait for Inspiration ; They Work , Work , Work

Sooner or later , the great men turn out to be all alike . They never stop working . They never lose a minute . It is very depressing . - V . S . Pritchett Along with all of these visitors came a steady stream of comments and e - mails - including a few e - mails from editors and literary agents suggesting that I turn the blog into a book . Two weeks after the Slate article came out , I signed on with one of those agents ; over Christmas vacation , I wrote a book proposal . By April 2009 , after lots of back - and - forth with several editors , I signed a contract with my dream publisher , Knopf . Now , four years later , the Daily Routines book - officially titled Daily Rituals : How Artists Work - is finally coming out . It presents the routines and working habits of 161 creative minds - among them , novelists , poets , playwrights , composers , painters , philosophers , and scientists . It is packed with anecdotes about getting up super early , staying up super late , drinking heroic amounts of coffee , taking precisely timed naps and long daily walks , and much more . INTERVIEWERPeople say that you have great self - discipline and that you never let a day go by without working . At what time do you start ? DE BEAUVOIRI 'm always in a hurry to get going , though in general I dislike starting the day . I first have tea and then , at about ten o ' clock , I get under way and work until one . Then I see my friends and after that , at five o ' clock , I go back to work and continue until nine . I have no difficulty in picking up the thread in the afternoon . When you leave , I 'll read the paper or perhaps go shopping . Most often it 's a pleasure to work . INTERVIEWERWhen do you see Sartre ? DE BEAUVOIRIt depends to some extent on what I 'm writing . If the work is going well , I spend a quarter or half an hour reading what I wrote the day before , and I make a few corrections . Then I continue from there . In order to pick up the thread I have to read what I 've done . INTERVIEWERDo your writer friends have the same habits as you ? DE BEAUVOIRNo , it 's quite a personal matter . Genet , for example , works quite differently . He puts in about twelve hours a day for six months when he 's working on something and when he has finished he can let six months go by without doing anything . As I said , I work every day except for two or three months of vacation when I travel and generally don 't work at all . I read very little during the year , and when I go away I take a big valise full of books , books that I don 't have time to read . But if the trip lasts a month or six weeks , I do feel uncomfortable , particularly if I 'm between two books . I get bored if I don 't work . The Paris Review , Spring - Summer 1965 ( Thanks to Marcine Miller . ) Perhaps the finest writer ever to use speed systematically , however , was W . H . Auden . He swallowed Benzedrine every morning for twenty years , from 1938 onward , balancing its effect with the barbiturate Seconal when he wanted to sleep . ( He also kept a glass of vodka by the bed , to swig if he woke up during the night . ) He took a pragmatic attitude toward amphetamines , regarding them as a " labor - saving device " in the " mental kitchen , " with the important proviso that " these mechanisms are very crude , liable to injure the cook , and constantly breaking down . " Fitfully . I 'll write something , but it won 't be the beginning or the middle or the end - - I 'm just getting an idea out on the page . Then , as the words accumulate , I start thinking about how they need to be organized . Nothing , except for the computer screen . I write from memory , as if I were writing a novel . When I finish a day 's writing I go back and check the text against my notes to make sure the facts and quotes are right , and that I haven 't inadvertently made anything up . The quotes are almost always accurate because by that point I 've gone over the material so many times in my head . I 've always written best very early in the morning and very late at night . I write very little in the middle of the day . If I do any work in the middle of the day , it is editing what I 've written that morning . Left to my own devices , with no family , I 'd start writing at seven p . m . and stop at four a . m . That is the way I used to write . I liked to get ahead of everybody . I 'd think to myself , " I 'm starting tomorrow 's workday , tonight ! " Late nights are wonderfully tranquil . No phone calls , no interruptions . I like the feeling of knowing that nobody is trying to reach me . No , I 've written in every conceivable circumstance . I like writing in my office , which is an old redwood cabin about a hundred yards from my house in Berkeley . It has a kitchen , a little bedroom , a bathroom , and a living room , which I use as as study . But I 've written in awful enough situations that I know that the quality of the prose doesn 't depend on the circumstance in which it is composed . I don 't believe the muse visits you . I believe that you visit the muse . If you wait for that " perfect moment " you 're not going to be very productive . PAUL AUSTER : The usual . I got up in the morning . I read the paper . I drank a pot of tea . And then I went over to the little apartment I have in the neighborhood and worked for about six hours . After that , I had to do some business . My mother died two years ago , and there was one last thing to take care of concerning her estate - a kind of insurance bond I had to sign off on . So , I went to a notary public to have the papers stamped , then mailed them to the lawyer . I came back home . I read my daughter 's final report card . And then I went upstairs and paid a lot of bills . A typical day , I suppose . A mix of working on the book and dealing with a lot of boring , practical stuff . JL : For me , five or six hours of writing is plenty . That 's a lot . So , if I get that many hours the other stuff feels satisfying . The other stuff feels like a kind of grace . But if I have to do that stuff when I haven 't written - PA : I 've found that writing novels is an all - absorbing experience - both physical and mental - and I have to do it every day in order to keep the rhythm , to keep myself focused on what I 'm doing . Even Sunday , if possible . If there 's no family thing happening that day , I 'll at least work in the morning . Whenever I travel , I get thrown off completely . If I 'm gone for two weeks , it takes me a good week to get back into the rhythm of what I was doing before . JL : I like the word " physical . " I have the same fetish for continuity . I don 't really ask of myself a given word or page count or number of hours . To work every day , that 's my only fetish . And there is a physical quality to it when a novel is thriving . It has an athletic component . You 're keeping a streak going . PA : Writing is physical for me . I always have the sense that the words are coming out of my body , not just my mind . I write in longhand , and the pen is scratching the words onto the page . I can even hear the words being written . So much of the effort that goes into writing prose for me is about making sentences that capture the music that I 'm hearing in my head . It takes a lot of work , writing , writing , and rewriting to get the music exactly the way you want it to be . That music is a physical force . Not only do you write books physically , but you read books physically as well . There 's something about the rhythms of language that correspond to the rhythms of our own bodies . An attentive reader is finding meanings in the book that can 't be articulated , finding them in his or her body . I think this is what so many people don 't understand about fiction . Poetry is supposed to be musical . But people don 't understand prose . They 're so used to reading journalism - clunky , functional sentences that convey factual information - facts , more than just the surfaces of things . By training , Robert Caro is a journalist . By profession , he is a biographer , among the most highly acclaimed living , thanks to his four books - three volumes on [ Lyndon ] Johnson and a saga about the New York public - works titan Robert Moses . But in his daily life , Caro more resembles a scientist , driven by the principle that you understand something only by observing it , watching it with great concentration and for a long time . In his New York City office , where everything has its particular place , he works long hours , seven days a week , poring through interview transcripts and primary source notes , working slowly and deliberately on books he publishes , on average , once every 10 years . His meticulous routine is sometimes painful , he says , but necessary . Only by gathering as many facts as possible , cataloging them , cross - checking them and sitting with them at great length , can he choose the right words to re - create the past inside his readers ' heads . Words matter to Caro . " I have always thought , " he told me this winter , " that in nonfiction , the level of the writing has to be as good as any novel if it is going to endure . " " This building used to be filled with writers , " Caro says as he lets a visitor into his Manhattan office , two blocks south of Central Park . " They 're all gone now . Now it 's just me . " Caro receives his own guests here . He has no secretary or bright young assistant to fetch coffee or comb through files . The only person he really trusts with his work is Ina [ his wife ] ; she keeps her own office further uptown . He does not use a computer . He does have a telephone , but its chief virtue , Caro says , is that it " can be turned off . " There are seldom knocks on the door . Still , Caro wears a coat and tie to the office each morning so he never forgets when he sits down with his research that he is going to work . Every inch of the New York office is governed by rules . There are regulations for book placement ( general nonfiction on the post - Cold War is farthest from Caro 's desk ; books on his immediate subject are kept closest ) and the stacking of notebooks ( new interview subjects , like the JFK speechwriter Theodore Sorensen , sit at the top of the heap , while the oldest interviews , like Johnson 's brother , Sam Houston , inhabit the bottom ) . The western wall contains only a giant outline - 20 pages that get Caro from the beginning to the end of each book . " I trained myself to be organized , " he explains , pointing almost apologetically at his massive writer 's map . " If you 're fumbling around trying to remember what notebook has what quote , you can 't be in the room with the people you 're writing about . " Even Caro 's home is governed by a code he created to keep himself productive and sane . The Caros ' Upper West Side apartment is filled with books , his collection and hers , but none sit in the dining or living rooms . " When he 's at home , he doesn 't want to think about his work , " Ina explains . Indeed , though they have each devoted their lives to him for more than three decades , the Caros have a policy of not discussing Lyndon Johnson , at dinner or anywhere else . Ina presents her research to Bob in typed reports , which her husband then marks up . " I know what he 's looking for without him telling me , " she explains . She rarely reads his work until it is in manuscript form . Despite all this activity Churchill 's daily routine changed little during these years . He awoke about 7 : 30 a . m . and remained in bed for a substantial breakfast and reading of mail and all the national newspapers . For the next couple of hours , still in bed , he worked , dictating to his secretaries . At 1 : 00 p . m . he joined guests and family for a three - course lunch . Clementine drank claret , Winston champagne , preferable Pol Roger served at a specific temperature , port brandy and cigars . When lunch ended , about 3 : 30 p . m . he returned to his study to work , or supervised work on his estate , or played cards or backgammon with Clementine . At 5 : 00 p . m . , after another weak whisky and soda , he went to be for an hour and a half . He said this siesta , a habit gained in Cuba , allowed him to work 1 1 / 2 days in every 24 hours . At 6 : 30 p . m . he awoke , bathed again , and dressed for dinner at 8 : 00 p . m . Dinner was the focal - point and highlight of Churchill 's day . Table talk , dominated by Churchill , was as important as the meal . Sometimes , depending on the company , drinks and cigars extended the event well past midnight . The guests retired , Churchill returned to his study for another hour or so of work . Although his presidency is barely a week old , some of Mr . Obama 's work habits are already becoming clear . He shows up at the Oval Office shortly before 9 in the morning , roughly two hours later than his early - to - bed , early - to - rise predecessor . Mr . Obama likes to have his workout - weights and cardio - first thing in the morning , at 6 : 45 . ( Mr . Bush slipped away to exercise midday . ) " There are certain things I do if I sit down to write , " he said . " I have a glass of water or a cup of tea . There 's a certain time I sit down , from 8 : 00 to 8 : 30 , somewhere within that half hour every morning , " he explained . " I have my vitamin pill and my music , sit in the same seat , and the papers are all arranged in the same places . The cumulative purpose of doing these things the same way every day seems to be a way of saying to the mind , you 're going to be dreaming soon . " It 's not any different than a bedtime routine , " he continued . " Do you go to bed a different way every night ? Is there a certain side you sleep on ? I mean I brush my teeth , I wash my hands . Why would anybody wash their hands before they go to bed ? I don 't know . And the pillows are supposed to be pointed a certain way . The open side of the pillowcase is supposed to be pointed in toward the other side of the bed . I don 't know why . " First drafts as early in the morning as possible , then second , then third ( retyping , I work on a manual ) . Once the first draft is 80 % completed I start on the second , so that there 's a conveyor belt of drafts in progress : this helps me to grasp the totality of the book . I accelerate towards the end , usually because I 'm on or past my deadline . Rituals . Smoking - - pipes , cigars , special brands , accessories , the whole bollocks . Coffee , tea , strange infusions - - I have a stove on my desk . Fetishising typewriters , pens , etc . Overall , though , I have a healthy appetite for solitude . If you don 't , you have no business being a writer . We now settled into a routine which has ever since served in my mind as an archetype , so that what I still mean when I speak of a " normal " day ( and lament that normal days are so rare ) is a day of the Bookham pattern . For if I could please myself I would always live as I lived there . I would choose always to breakfast at exactly eight and to be at my desk by nine , there to read or write till one . If a cup of good tea or coffee could be brought me about eleven , so much the better . A step or so out of doors for a pint of beer would not do quite so well ; for a man does not want to drink alone and if you meet a friend in the taproom the break is likely to be extended beyond its ten minutes . At one precisely lunch should be on the table ; and by two at the latest I would be on the road . Not , except at rare intervals , with a friend . Walking and talking are two very great pleasures , but it is a mistake to combine them . Our own noise blots out the sounds and silences of the outdoor world ; and talking leads almost inevitably to smoking , and then farewell to nature as far as one of our senses is concerned . The only friend to walk with is one ( such as I found , during the holidays , in Arthur ) who so exactly shares your taste for each mood of the countryside that a glance , a halt , or at most a nudge , is enough to assure us that the pleasure is shared . The return from the walk , and the arrival of tea , should be exactly coincident , and not later than a quarter past four . Tea should be taken in solitude , as I took it as Bookham on those ( happily numerous ) occasions when Mrs . Kirkpatrick was out ; the Knock himself disdained this meal . For eating and reading are two pleasures that combine admirably . Of course not all books are suitable for mealtime reading . It would be a kind of blasphemy to read poetry at table . What one wants is a gossipy , formless book which can be opened anywhere . The ones I learned so to use at Bookham were Boswell , and a translation of Herodotus , and Lang 's History of English Literature . Tristram Shandy , EliaSurprised by Joy : The Shape of My Early Life " The alarm clock would go off at 5 , and I 'd jump in the shower . My office was 5 minutes away . And I had to be at my desk , at my office , with the first cup of coffee , a legal pad and write the first word at 5 : 30 , five days a week . " His goal : to write a page every day . Sometimes that would take 10 minutes , sometimes an hour ; ofttimes he would write for two hours before he had to turn to his job as a lawyer , which he never especially enjoyed . In the Mississippi Legislature , there were " enormous amounts of wasted time " that would give him the opportunity to write . ONCE UPON A TIME , a long time ago , a man took off his jacket and put on a sweater . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of sneakers . His name was Fred Rogers . He was starting a television program , aimed at children , called Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood . He had been on television before , but only as the voices and movements of puppets , on a program called The Children 's Corner . Now he was stepping in front of the camera as Mister Rogers , and he wanted to do things right , and whatever he did right , he wanted to repeat . And so , once upon a time , Fred Rogers took off his jacket and put on a sweater his mother had made him , a cardigan with a zipper . Then he took off his shoes and put on a pair of navy - blue canvas boating sneakers . He did the same thing the next day , and then the next . . . until he had done the same things , those things , 865 times , at the beginning of 865 television programs , over a span of thirty - one years . The first time I met Mister Rogers , he told me a story of how deeply his simple gestures had been felt , and received . He had just come back from visiting Koko , the gorilla who has learned - - or who has been taught - - American Sign Language . Koko watches television . Koko watches Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood , and when Mister Rogers , in his sweater and sneakers , entered the place where she lives , Koko immediately folded him in her long , black arms , as though he were a child , and then . . . " She took my shoes off , Tom , " Mister Rogers said . Koko was much bigger than Mister Rogers . She weighed 280 pounds , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 . Koko weighed 280 pounds because she is a gorilla , and Mister Rogers weighed 143 pounds because he has weighed 143 pounds as long as he has been Mister Rogers , because once upon a time , around thirty - one years ago , Mister Rogers stepped on a scale , and the scale told him that Mister Rogers weighs 143 pounds . No , not that he weighed 143 pounds , but that he weighs 143 pounds . . . . And so , every day , Mister Rogers refuses to do anything that would make his weight change - - he neither drinks , nor smokes , nor eats flesh of any kind , nor goes to bed late at night , nor sleeps late in the morning , nor even watches television - - and every morning , when he swims , he steps on a scale in his bathing suit and his bathing cap and his goggles , and the scale tells him he weighs 143 pounds . This has happened so many times that Mister Rogers has come to see that number as a gift , as a destiny fulfilled , because , as he says , " the number 143 means ' I love you . ' It takes one letter to say ' I ' and four letters to say ' love ' and three letters to say ' you . ' One hundred and forty - three . ' I love you . ' Isn 't that wonderful ? " [ This interview was conducted during the graphic designer 's one - year sabbatical in Bali , Indonesia . ] So , are you happy ? As I am very aware how boring it is to hear about other people being happy , I say only this : I get up every morning at 5 a . m . simply because it 's more exciting to start working than to turn around and sleep some more . I do seem to have a lot of energy . After enjoying a giant pot of coffee and a medium - sized cigar for breakfast , I start my daily schedule of little experiments . This is coming along very well . Print , February 2009 On most mornings after he moved to Arcueil , Satie would return to Paris on foot , a distance of about ten kilometres , stopping frequently at his favourite cafés on route . Accoring to Templier , " he walked slowly , taking small steps , his umbrella held tight under his arm . When talking he would stop , bend one knee a little , adjust his pince - nez and place his fist on his lap . The he would take off once more with small deliberate steps . " When he eventually reached Paris he visited friends , or arranged to meet them in other cafés by sending pneumatiques . Often the walking from place to place continued , focussing on Montmarte before the war , and subsequently on Montparnasse . From here , Satie would catch the last train back to Arcueil at about 1 . 00am , or , if he was still engaged in serious drinking , he would miss the train and begin the long walk home during the early hours of the morning . Then the daily round would begin again . Robert Orledge , Satie Remembered . French translations by Roger Nichols . ( Thanks to Tom Cunliffe . ) See also : " A Day in the Life of a Musician " by Erik Satie Can You Become a Great Writer by Emulating Flaubert 's Work Habits ? Is Waking Up Really Early the Secret to Artistic Success ? Marcel Proust , Franz Kafka , and Other Artists Who Wouldn 't Dream of Working in the DaylightArtists Who Drink Crazy Amounts of Coffee . ( Balzac Was a 50 - Cup - a - Day Man . ) The Secret to Ayn Rand 's Success : BenzedrineDid Drinking Make Hemingway and Fitzgerald Great - or Hold Them Back ? Eat Like an Artist : You 'll Be More Creative - and Lose Weight ! Why Are Great Composers - Tchaikovsky , Beethoven , Mahler - Obsessed With Taking Long Walks ? Great Architects Love a Good NapEdgar Allan Poe , Franz Kafka , and Other Great ProcrastinatorsDoes Masturbation Make You More or Less Creative ? Freud 's Wife Put the Toothpaste on His ToothbrushT . S . Eliot , Wallace Stevens , Joseph Heller : They All Had Day JobsBenjamin Franklin Liked Air Baths . Franz Kafka Did Naked Calisthenics . Great Artists Don 't Wait for Inspiration ; They Work , Work , Work

Give that man a standing ovation Look what he 's done for this nation He 's very well dressed He 's feathered his nest Says he 's done his best But wears a bullet proof vest Give that man a standing ovation Look what he 's done for this nation Our economy 's gone west Our wages buy less Now who would have guessed ? He 's on a world wide quest ! Give that man a standing ovation Look what he 's done for this nation A new initiative ? - just give it a rest His policies are but a jest Oh why are we so blessed ? How can we get rid of this pest ? Give that man a standing ovation Just look what he 's done for this nation . Dedicated to politicians everywhere Posted by Many years ago I fell in love with Connie . No , that is not true , I lusted after her . She was young enough to have been my daughter . She was a young tracer in the Drawing Office where I ran a section in a now defunct government department . She was assigned to me and in the days of very short mini skirts she used to attract the attention of all in the office when she worked on her drawing board , getting off of her stool , standing up and bending over to reach the top of the plan she was working on while the eyes of males around admired her pretty frilly briefs and curvy youthful thighs . Once she was mine to supervise , I tactfully told her of the distraction she was causing . She was surprised , but not offended by my mentioning this and somehow she seemed to bond to me after that . I became a second father figure to her so I alone was allowed to admire her legs and bum and sweet face and also to share all her confidences . These included the disaster of her leaving home to share some digs with a girlfriend as well as learning that the reason for leaving home was the impending split up of her parents . Later I had to enthuse over the news of her new boyfriend at Uni and their future plans culminating in her marriage where both my wife and I were invited to the ceremony . I said to her before the big day " I 'll be there but you won 't see me " . She looked at me puzzled " Of course I will " she retorted . Later after the honeymoon when she returned to work she had to admit she hadn 't seen me . Her skirts however became longer . She still needed to talk about her life though ; so their day to day problems were brought to me , such as the need to find a decent flat for themselves ; the frustration with her husband 's little foibles such as how scruffy he was and their grand plans of building their own house in the foothills outside of town and him starting his own business . I was always there to nod and sympathise and let her give vent to life 's frustrations . When she talked to me it was ostensibly about work but I couldPosted by Ahu looked out to sea . " Where is he ? " she asked but the sea just growled to itself and ignored her . The wind had got up and started shaking the trees and had now whipped the sea into a frenzy . She wanted to leave the shore and go and search for yams but she needed to know he was safe . He should be home soon but there was no sign of him on the water . He had gone with Hi ' ilei fishing . They were to go to a distant island but with the weather worsening she couldn 't see its shape any more . She was always frightened when he was not close . They were an unlikely couple . He had been stolen when just a boy from another island in the Pacific and had been absorbed into the community . She was an orphan , and had been looked after by aunts and treated almost as one of their children … . almost . Almost , meant that she had more work to do than her cousins . It wasn 't fair but she knew no other life and never thought of the future . That was until she became of marriageable age and the community thought it would be a big joke to have her marry the boy from over the sea . His name was Ahuahu which meant " healthy and strong " . Ahu on the other hand meant " to look after " , which was another reason for everyone to laugh . So the two outcasts were married . There was no great ceremony , just a gathering and a pronouncement . Ahu was merely told she now had to look after Ahuahu , so she did . In their shelter she said " I am frightened . " " You are beautiful " he replied . She shook her head . " No one wanted me " " I wanted you ; did you not see me looking at you ? " " May I touch it ? " Ahu reached over and touched Ahuahu 's face . She had never touched a man 's face before . It was strong and firm like a tree . " Thank you for being my husband … and for saying I am beautiful … " " Your eyes tell me much about you . You lower them and that makes you doubly beautiful . I like the way you skin shines . I would like to touch you too . " Ahu released her tapa cloth wrap and knelt before him naked . He touched her face and chin , ran his hand down her neck and traced his fingers over her breasts . " I am very lucky to have you " he said . " We are lucky to have each other " she replied . Ahu remembered her wedding night as she looked out to sea . How could she stop him from doing dangerous things like fishing on the island of the gannets ? Her eyes strained to see any movement on the ocean that might mean they were returning . Even if they were , the boat would be hidden in the waves and the spume and not visible from shore . She waited a while longer and busied herself picking live cockles up from the beach where they had been thrown by the angry sea . She walked back to a tussock on the beach and sat down . She knew now she was pregnant . It was inevitable . Once they had made love the first time they had gone from awkward fumbling to considerate partners pleasing each other for the sheer joy of making the other happy . She loved it that once they were satisfied he would hold on to her , her hand or calf but more often than not her breast and fall asleep still touching her . In the mornings Ahuahu would say " Get up and walk around the village and greet and talk to people . They will think that you are fed up with me already , like they are with their own husbands . " Ahu did this but fooled no one because now she was always happy and would be smiling all day long . Ahu sat looking out to sea , the wind had abated and she had prized open a few of the shellfish , washed the sand out and ate them while she waited . After the sun had reached its peak she spotted a craft out to sea . Her face shone , he was coming home . Ahuahu and Hi ' ilei finally beached the craft and dragged it up the strand . Hi ' ilei looked across to Ahu and sneered " What manner of man have you got for yourself Ahu ? We would have been back hours ago but for him being a kiwi hiding in the bushes . " A few months later Chloe and Jim were now living at his place . They had announced their engagement and her apartment which she had sold easily within a couple of weeks netting her close on $ 150 , 000 after paying out her mortgage . As Jim had now had his vasectomy reversed Chloe insisted that the cost which was enormous was her engagement present to him . " My proviso was that whatever good comes out of it should be mine alone . " She had said with an impish smile . Later she said , " I know that even our friends are saying I trapped you in this relationship . That may be true but every woman must do what she can to win the man she truly loves . " They were snuggled up together in his house . They had ignored the settee and she was sitting on his lap their arms around each other in an armchair and somehow he had found his way under her top and was tracing a pattern with his fingers over her shoulders and neck and making little forays into rounder softer places while she lay her head on his shoulder touching his face , running her fingers over his nose and checking the stubble starting to appear on his chin as evening approached . " You on the other hand " she went on picking up his left hand in a demonstration of the meaning of her words , " not only wanted to change the world but wanted to change me too . You wanted to improve the quality of education in your school and seeing a hopeless girl making a fool of herself behaved like Sir Galahad , rescued her and rode away with her on your charger . " Jim kissed her nose , then her now closed eyes , continued kissing her cheeks , her ears , nuzzled into her hair then kissed her half open lips . He then drew away from her and said . " Stop analysing us . The most important thing is that we have found each other , love each other and have been completely honest with each other . " Chloe jiggled a bit as though uncomfortable . Jim sensing there was more to it than that , said . " Well haven 't we ? " " I want to be married in church . " " That 's O . K . " " As early as possible " she wPosted by Chloe was cross . How could Jim be so stupid ? After his confession about his vasectomy Chloe did the right thing and spoke gently to him . " You are right Jim let 's talk about this in the morning " . She wrapped her arms around him , hugged him affectionately , kissed him on his back then lay still appearing to drift off to sleep . He too relaxed now that her outburst was over and soon was snuffling in his sleep . She was about to move him slightly but thought better of it and tried to work out what they could do to redeem the situation . She couldn 't believe that in just a split second all her hopes and dreams of a happily married life with Jim bringing up a gaggle of babies had been shattered . In the early hours of the morning she had gone through what she thought were all the possibilities to redeem the situation . Yes , she did love him and was pretty certain that he felt exactly the same way about her . How could he be so stupid to make such decision at such a young age ? Would he marry her ? Could she marry him now ? Should they adopt children ? She even thought of having babies by donor sperm . As she drifted of to sleep all her thoughts jumbled into a dream fantasy of scores of babies she was caring for all crying for their mothers while she was hopeless to help them , Jim in the background was shaking his head slowly from side to side . " Tea " Jim had got up and made a cup of tea . She drowsily peeked out from the covers and looked at him . " Get back into bed " , she said . He did as she asked and looked at her straight in the eyes . " It never seemed to be the right time to tell you " . " Tell me now . Leave nothing out . I want to know absolutely everything ; names dates , places . What exactly were you thinking of ? " She stopped there feeling that she might get hysterical . So she reached out for her tea and sipped at it whilst not taking her eyes off him for a moment , lest he might still hide something from her if she couldn 't see his face as he talked . " I was engaged to this girl , a career girl . " Jim startePosted by " I love you . " " I know " she replied as she laid in his arms , satisfied once more with his lovemaking ; gentle , considerate , overwhelmingly passionate ; totally , utterly fulfilling . She wanted to curl up beside him , feel his presence , and relax into sleep . " No , not like that , I really love you . " Jim continued . Chloe sighed . She knew that he wanted talk ; not like other men who would lapse into unconsciousness as soon as he was satisfied . What was more she knew what he wanted to talk about . For months now they had been going out . That is a misnomer she thought it is more like staying in to devour each other . She had noticed his indecision with their relationship . It was almost as though he was replaying the role of Professor Higgins in " My Fair Lady " . He had discovered someone to change , to educate , to transform from an ugly duckling into a swan . He was wrong of course and he knew it as she had already snared him in her trap by being the helpless , hopeless female for him to rescue . " I am not Eliza Doolittle " , she murmured , " or Julie Andrews or Audrey Hepburn . You have got to realise that I am not a toy for you to play with , to decide my fate . " " Where did all that come from ? " Jim said propping himself up on his elbow . " We have been all through this before , we make a lovely couple , you adore me , but never have I ever been introduced to your family , never ! Not only that you are happy for me live here in this pokey little flat but never suggest we live together in your place . Then there is the other thing we still socialise with our mates but never with the people from your work . Are you ashamed of me ? " " My parents are in Taree , for heaven 's sake ! The people from work are dull colourless and boring . I have told you I love you . " " Jim please don 't get me wrong , I adore you but all your protestations of love are nothing compared with a little commitment . I love you utterly . If you said give up your job , live with me and let 's have lots of babies I would say yes , yes , yes ! But you doOld Egg The other day I took a walk through the trees at Frensham Little Pond . It is a magical place that held so many memories for a girl I knew . As a young teenager she and her sister with their best friend from school use to cycle here with their bottle of Tizer and some Marmite sandwiches , and their bathing costumes and swim in the shallow waters of this beautiful pond surrounded by sandy gorse land and pine woods . It was that time in their lives between being children and growing up . There were no boys or beaux in their lives and their innocence was something that I was not privy to . Many years later after we had married and had our children and they too were growing up and away from us she took me back there and told me about her teenage years and the joys of growing up in a fantasy world where the sun shone and nothing troubled their minds . When we went back we had been keen birdwatchers for some time and had lived in Australia for many years . We were both anxious to see the birds that coloured our childhood that were fast disappearing from the British countryside . We read of the Dartford Warbler that could be seen by careful eyes curiously at Frensham Little Pond . So we drove down to this secret place from her past and walked the sandy paths to the pond and she told me of times of long ago . We then followed the instructions to find the Dartford Warblers and lost in the trails of gorse and broom and warming up in the sun we saw not one bird of any description . We reread the instructions , which was to face north looking over the wild vegetation and keep very still . So we sat on the ground , with our binoculars at the ready and sat quietly . The sun beat down the air was still and we were as quiet as two field mice . We were finally part of the background . Almost immediately some little birds emerged from the bushes , flying up in the air and flying back down again . One or two would perch proud and confident on a twig before disappearing into the undergrowth . In a lull of activity we consulted the field guide and checkeOld Egg It was a nasty day in London ; nasty because of the weather . For the last three weeks or so it had rained on almost every day and for some reason before returning to Australia I spent the last three days in London to do what tourists do ! Do the art galleries , taking in an exhibition or trade fair and just revelling in the sights and sounds of what I had always regarded as the centre of the known world from my childhood days . The forecast was hot ! I laughed up my sleeve as only a few months earlier in Adelaide , South Australia we endured two days straight of 45 ˚ C . With my Oyster card in hand I blithely thought that travelling on the tube underground to where I wanted to go would be a lot cooler that on the surface . No don 't get me wrong it wasn 't heat as I have experienced in Australia , only an annoyance that shops and buses were ill prepared , by lack of air conditioning or opening windows ! So down the escalators I went and found that far from it being cooler the atmosphere was stuffy and the ventilation non existent . I was on the Bakerloo line and luckily grabbed a seat and planned my journey . As I glanced at the route map opposite I also noticed a stunning woman opposite me . I immediately recognised her as an old school friend of nearly sixty years ago . It was Enid . Enid is a name that is not popular anymore . She you may recall was a heroine in one of the centuries old Arthurian tales . She married Geraint and being a knight he neglected his courtly duties to attend to her . Well , why not ? Clearly I would have been a hopeless knight too ! Trying not to stare , I looked at Enid again . You might have guessed by now that she could not have been my Enid who would have been 75 by now . But the resemblance was uncanny . She was slim with her hair pulled back into a little bun at the back and my attention was drawn to her hands . I loved my Enid 's hands . They were long graceful hands and dare I say it when we were supposed to be studying in the library I often dared to reach out and touch her fingers . She unflinching , wPosted by I slept with a most beautiful girl last night . She was absolutely stunning , a real peach with a sweet soft face , entrancing eyes and a warm brown skin . I was head over heels in love from the moment I saw her . Yes , yes ! I know you will say well at your age they all look good , but I knew as soon as she came into the room , then lay down on her bed she was something special . Well she should be seeing what I paid for the privilege ! I loved her snubby little nose and the smooth skin of her arms and when she lay out on the bed she kicked her slip on shoes off and treated me with a look of her perfectly shaped feet and pretty toes . I settled in beside her and glanced nervously at her drinking in her beauty as she demanded champagne . Within moments an attendant had brought her a glass but I refused one myself , I was drunk enough already with her charms . And so we settled down for a night of passion … Alas there was but one little hitch ; I was merely a passenger on a plane bound for Kuala Lumpur and she my travelling companion . Our plane was delayed and we didn 't take off till after 11 . 00 pm and so in the comfort of business class we ate our freshly cooked supper , drank , spoke a few pleasantries and merely went to sleep for the night . You want to know her name ? It was Majida , it means glorious . Just like my dreams that night . Retired and glad to be so . Family is the most important thing to have and enjoy . Now please remember , most of what I tell you is fiction . Much of it is based on personal experiences , recollections and just plain fabrication ! Latest Movies seenMy Cousin Rachel - Despite reading some not too flattering reviews of this film and seeing previous interpretations I thought the story as presented was engaging and characters believable in this new remake of the classical story . Starring Rachel Weisz and Sam Caflin . 8 / 10

Give that man a standing ovation Look what he 's done for this nation He 's very well dressed He 's feathered his nest Says he 's done his best But wears a bullet proof vest Give that man a standing ovation Look what he 's done for this nation Our economy 's gone west Our wages buy less Now who would have guessed ? He 's on a world wide quest ! Give that man a standing ovation Look what he 's done for this nation A new initiative ? - just give it a rest His policies are but a jest Oh why are we so blessed ? How can we get rid of this pest ? Give that man a standing ovation Just look what he 's done for this nation . Dedicated to politicians everywhere Posted by Many years ago I fell in love with Connie . No , that is not true , I lusted after her . She was young enough to have been my daughter . She was a young tracer in the Drawing Office where I ran a section in a now defunct government department . She was assigned to me and in the days of very short mini skirts she used to attract the attention of all in the office when she worked on her drawing board , getting off of her stool , standing up and bending over to reach the top of the plan she was working on while the eyes of males around admired her pretty frilly briefs and curvy youthful thighs . Once she was mine to supervise , I tactfully told her of the distraction she was causing . She was surprised , but not offended by my mentioning this and somehow she seemed to bond to me after that . I became a second father figure to her so I alone was allowed to admire her legs and bum and sweet face and also to share all her confidences . These included the disaster of her leaving home to share some digs with a girlfriend as well as learning that the reason for leaving home was the impending split up of her parents . Later I had to enthuse over the news of her new boyfriend at Uni and their future plans culminating in her marriage where both my wife and I were invited to the ceremony . I said to her before the big day " I 'll be there but you won 't see me " . She looked at me puzzled " Of course I will " she retorted . Later after the honeymoon when she returned to work she had to admit she hadn 't seen me . Her skirts however became longer . She still needed to talk about her life though ; so their day to day problems were brought to me , such as the need to find a decent flat for themselves ; the frustration with her husband 's little foibles such as how scruffy he was and their grand plans of building their own house in the foothills outside of town and him starting his own business . I was always there to nod and sympathise and let her give vent to life 's frustrations . When she talked to me it was ostensibly about work but I couldPosted by Ahu looked out to sea . " Where is he ? " she asked but the sea just growled to itself and ignored her . The wind had got up and started shaking the trees and had now whipped the sea into a frenzy . She wanted to leave the shore and go and search for yams but she needed to know he was safe . He should be home soon but there was no sign of him on the water . He had gone with Hi ' ilei fishing . They were to go to a distant island but with the weather worsening she couldn 't see its shape any more . She was always frightened when he was not close . They were an unlikely couple . He had been stolen when just a boy from another island in the Pacific and had been absorbed into the community . She was an orphan , and had been looked after by aunts and treated almost as one of their children … . almost . Almost , meant that she had more work to do than her cousins . It wasn 't fair but she knew no other life and never thought of the future . That was until she became of marriageable age and the community thought it would be a big joke to have her marry the boy from over the sea . His name was Ahuahu which meant " healthy and strong " . Ahu on the other hand meant " to look after " , which was another reason for everyone to laugh . So the two outcasts were married . There was no great ceremony , just a gathering and a pronouncement . Ahu was merely told she now had to look after Ahuahu , so she did . In their shelter she said " I am frightened . " " You are beautiful " he replied . She shook her head . " No one wanted me " " I wanted you ; did you not see me looking at you ? " " May I touch it ? " Ahu reached over and touched Ahuahu 's face . She had never touched a man 's face before . It was strong and firm like a tree . " Thank you for being my husband … and for saying I am beautiful … " " Your eyes tell me much about you . You lower them and that makes you doubly beautiful . I like the way you skin shines . I would like to touch you too . " Ahu released her tapa cloth wrap and knelt before him naked . He touched her face and chin , ran his hand down her neck and traced his fingers over her breasts . " I am very lucky to have you " he said . " We are lucky to have each other " she replied . Ahu remembered her wedding night as she looked out to sea . How could she stop him from doing dangerous things like fishing on the island of the gannets ? Her eyes strained to see any movement on the ocean that might mean they were returning . Even if they were , the boat would be hidden in the waves and the spume and not visible from shore . She waited a while longer and busied herself picking live cockles up from the beach where they had been thrown by the angry sea . She walked back to a tussock on the beach and sat down . She knew now she was pregnant . It was inevitable . Once they had made love the first time they had gone from awkward fumbling to considerate partners pleasing each other for the sheer joy of making the other happy . She loved it that once they were satisfied he would hold on to her , her hand or calf but more often than not her breast and fall asleep still touching her . In the mornings Ahuahu would say " Get up and walk around the village and greet and talk to people . They will think that you are fed up with me already , like they are with their own husbands . " Ahu did this but fooled no one because now she was always happy and would be smiling all day long . Ahu sat looking out to sea , the wind had abated and she had prized open a few of the shellfish , washed the sand out and ate them while she waited . After the sun had reached its peak she spotted a craft out to sea . Her face shone , he was coming home . Ahuahu and Hi ' ilei finally beached the craft and dragged it up the strand . Hi ' ilei looked across to Ahu and sneered " What manner of man have you got for yourself Ahu ? We would have been back hours ago but for him being a kiwi hiding in the bushes . " A few months later Chloe and Jim were now living at his place . They had announced their engagement and her apartment which she had sold easily within a couple of weeks netting her close on $ 150 , 000 after paying out her mortgage . As Jim had now had his vasectomy reversed Chloe insisted that the cost which was enormous was her engagement present to him . " My proviso was that whatever good comes out of it should be mine alone . " She had said with an impish smile . Later she said , " I know that even our friends are saying I trapped you in this relationship . That may be true but every woman must do what she can to win the man she truly loves . " They were snuggled up together in his house . They had ignored the settee and she was sitting on his lap their arms around each other in an armchair and somehow he had found his way under her top and was tracing a pattern with his fingers over her shoulders and neck and making little forays into rounder softer places while she lay her head on his shoulder touching his face , running her fingers over his nose and checking the stubble starting to appear on his chin as evening approached . " You on the other hand " she went on picking up his left hand in a demonstration of the meaning of her words , " not only wanted to change the world but wanted to change me too . You wanted to improve the quality of education in your school and seeing a hopeless girl making a fool of herself behaved like Sir Galahad , rescued her and rode away with her on your charger . " Jim kissed her nose , then her now closed eyes , continued kissing her cheeks , her ears , nuzzled into her hair then kissed her half open lips . He then drew away from her and said . " Stop analysing us . The most important thing is that we have found each other , love each other and have been completely honest with each other . " Chloe jiggled a bit as though uncomfortable . Jim sensing there was more to it than that , said . " Well haven 't we ? " " I want to be married in church . " " That 's O . K . " " As early as possible " she wPosted by Chloe was cross . How could Jim be so stupid ? After his confession about his vasectomy Chloe did the right thing and spoke gently to him . " You are right Jim let 's talk about this in the morning " . She wrapped her arms around him , hugged him affectionately , kissed him on his back then lay still appearing to drift off to sleep . He too relaxed now that her outburst was over and soon was snuffling in his sleep . She was about to move him slightly but thought better of it and tried to work out what they could do to redeem the situation . She couldn 't believe that in just a split second all her hopes and dreams of a happily married life with Jim bringing up a gaggle of babies had been shattered . In the early hours of the morning she had gone through what she thought were all the possibilities to redeem the situation . Yes , she did love him and was pretty certain that he felt exactly the same way about her . How could he be so stupid to make such decision at such a young age ? Would he marry her ? Could she marry him now ? Should they adopt children ? She even thought of having babies by donor sperm . As she drifted of to sleep all her thoughts jumbled into a dream fantasy of scores of babies she was caring for all crying for their mothers while she was hopeless to help them , Jim in the background was shaking his head slowly from side to side . " Tea " Jim had got up and made a cup of tea . She drowsily peeked out from the covers and looked at him . " Get back into bed " , she said . He did as she asked and looked at her straight in the eyes . " It never seemed to be the right time to tell you " . " Tell me now . Leave nothing out . I want to know absolutely everything ; names dates , places . What exactly were you thinking of ? " She stopped there feeling that she might get hysterical . So she reached out for her tea and sipped at it whilst not taking her eyes off him for a moment , lest he might still hide something from her if she couldn 't see his face as he talked . " I was engaged to this girl , a career girl . " Jim startePosted by " I love you . " " I know " she replied as she laid in his arms , satisfied once more with his lovemaking ; gentle , considerate , overwhelmingly passionate ; totally , utterly fulfilling . She wanted to curl up beside him , feel his presence , and relax into sleep . " No , not like that , I really love you . " Jim continued . Chloe sighed . She knew that he wanted talk ; not like other men who would lapse into unconsciousness as soon as he was satisfied . What was more she knew what he wanted to talk about . For months now they had been going out . That is a misnomer she thought it is more like staying in to devour each other . She had noticed his indecision with their relationship . It was almost as though he was replaying the role of Professor Higgins in " My Fair Lady " . He had discovered someone to change , to educate , to transform from an ugly duckling into a swan . He was wrong of course and he knew it as she had already snared him in her trap by being the helpless , hopeless female for him to rescue . " I am not Eliza Doolittle " , she murmured , " or Julie Andrews or Audrey Hepburn . You have got to realise that I am not a toy for you to play with , to decide my fate . " " Where did all that come from ? " Jim said propping himself up on his elbow . " We have been all through this before , we make a lovely couple , you adore me , but never have I ever been introduced to your family , never ! Not only that you are happy for me live here in this pokey little flat but never suggest we live together in your place . Then there is the other thing we still socialise with our mates but never with the people from your work . Are you ashamed of me ? " " My parents are in Taree , for heaven 's sake ! The people from work are dull colourless and boring . I have told you I love you . " " Jim please don 't get me wrong , I adore you but all your protestations of love are nothing compared with a little commitment . I love you utterly . If you said give up your job , live with me and let 's have lots of babies I would say yes , yes , yes ! But you doOld Egg The other day I took a walk through the trees at Frensham Little Pond . It is a magical place that held so many memories for a girl I knew . As a young teenager she and her sister with their best friend from school use to cycle here with their bottle of Tizer and some Marmite sandwiches , and their bathing costumes and swim in the shallow waters of this beautiful pond surrounded by sandy gorse land and pine woods . It was that time in their lives between being children and growing up . There were no boys or beaux in their lives and their innocence was something that I was not privy to . Many years later after we had married and had our children and they too were growing up and away from us she took me back there and told me about her teenage years and the joys of growing up in a fantasy world where the sun shone and nothing troubled their minds . When we went back we had been keen birdwatchers for some time and had lived in Australia for many years . We were both anxious to see the birds that coloured our childhood that were fast disappearing from the British countryside . We read of the Dartford Warbler that could be seen by careful eyes curiously at Frensham Little Pond . So we drove down to this secret place from her past and walked the sandy paths to the pond and she told me of times of long ago . We then followed the instructions to find the Dartford Warblers and lost in the trails of gorse and broom and warming up in the sun we saw not one bird of any description . We reread the instructions , which was to face north looking over the wild vegetation and keep very still . So we sat on the ground , with our binoculars at the ready and sat quietly . The sun beat down the air was still and we were as quiet as two field mice . We were finally part of the background . Almost immediately some little birds emerged from the bushes , flying up in the air and flying back down again . One or two would perch proud and confident on a twig before disappearing into the undergrowth . In a lull of activity we consulted the field guide and checkeOld Egg It was a nasty day in London ; nasty because of the weather . For the last three weeks or so it had rained on almost every day and for some reason before returning to Australia I spent the last three days in London to do what tourists do ! Do the art galleries , taking in an exhibition or trade fair and just revelling in the sights and sounds of what I had always regarded as the centre of the known world from my childhood days . The forecast was hot ! I laughed up my sleeve as only a few months earlier in Adelaide , South Australia we endured two days straight of 45 ˚ C . With my Oyster card in hand I blithely thought that travelling on the tube underground to where I wanted to go would be a lot cooler that on the surface . No don 't get me wrong it wasn 't heat as I have experienced in Australia , only an annoyance that shops and buses were ill prepared , by lack of air conditioning or opening windows ! So down the escalators I went and found that far from it being cooler the atmosphere was stuffy and the ventilation non existent . I was on the Bakerloo line and luckily grabbed a seat and planned my journey . As I glanced at the route map opposite I also noticed a stunning woman opposite me . I immediately recognised her as an old school friend of nearly sixty years ago . It was Enid . Enid is a name that is not popular anymore . She you may recall was a heroine in one of the centuries old Arthurian tales . She married Geraint and being a knight he neglected his courtly duties to attend to her . Well , why not ? Clearly I would have been a hopeless knight too ! Trying not to stare , I looked at Enid again . You might have guessed by now that she could not have been my Enid who would have been 75 by now . But the resemblance was uncanny . She was slim with her hair pulled back into a little bun at the back and my attention was drawn to her hands . I loved my Enid 's hands . They were long graceful hands and dare I say it when we were supposed to be studying in the library I often dared to reach out and touch her fingers . She unflinching , wPosted by I slept with a most beautiful girl last night . She was absolutely stunning , a real peach with a sweet soft face , entrancing eyes and a warm brown skin . I was head over heels in love from the moment I saw her . Yes , yes ! I know you will say well at your age they all look good , but I knew as soon as she came into the room , then lay down on her bed she was something special . Well she should be seeing what I paid for the privilege ! I loved her snubby little nose and the smooth skin of her arms and when she lay out on the bed she kicked her slip on shoes off and treated me with a look of her perfectly shaped feet and pretty toes . I settled in beside her and glanced nervously at her drinking in her beauty as she demanded champagne . Within moments an attendant had brought her a glass but I refused one myself , I was drunk enough already with her charms . And so we settled down for a night of passion … Alas there was but one little hitch ; I was merely a passenger on a plane bound for Kuala Lumpur and she my travelling companion . Our plane was delayed and we didn 't take off till after 11 . 00 pm and so in the comfort of business class we ate our freshly cooked supper , drank , spoke a few pleasantries and merely went to sleep for the night . You want to know her name ? It was Majida , it means glorious . Just like my dreams that night . Retired and glad to be so . Family is the most important thing to have and enjoy . Now please remember , most of what I tell you is fiction . Much of it is based on personal experiences , recollections and just plain fabrication ! Latest Movies seenMy Cousin Rachel - Despite reading some not too flattering reviews of this film and seeing previous interpretations I thought the story as presented was engaging and characters believable in this new remake of the classical story . Starring Rachel Weisz and Sam Caflin . 8 / 10

So when for the third time this week I got a bill , and when I say bill , this third one was actually a DEBTOR ' S INVOICE , I began to wonder if in deed I was some sort of crazy person who had just forgotten to pay something important . It 's possible of course what with chemo brain and all , but rack the poor old noggin as hard as I could and I just couldn 't remember missing something . Ho Hum . Then when I had a little look , there was nothing specific on the account and no date due . Now that 's also pretty odd . Again , never in my life have I sent out an invoice , but if I did , I reckon I would include some of this basic info if I expected to be paid . Yeh , there had been NO DELIVERY . I was not going nuts , I could continue to take the chemo shit without fear of going completely senile . The bill , now a DEBTOR ' S INVOICE , was for stuff - still unspecified and not due for delivery until the end of January , yep it was for the Emperor 's new clothes . So you can imagine I instantly grabbed my credit card and told them that if they had a bridge for sale I would be interested in that too . The DEBTOR ' S INVOICE was for $ 750 . Now that 's quite a chunk of cash I reckon . And I was left wondering who just stumps up the wonga without questioning it . I mean how lazy or ridiculously wealthy would you have to be to provide your credit card details without at least asking what it 's all about ? In case you are still with me and wondering who sent the bill 3 times in a week , I will tell you , it was NOT a Nigerian Prince , and it wasn 't a gypsy house painter or drive way fixer , it wasn 't a telemarketer flogging funeral insurance . Nope , it was from a State Government agency , a High School . A State High School . Proving that certainly education is not free in Queensland , and that the accounting system in place is not your bog standard , ' User pays ' type of thing . This is more , ' You will probably use it at some point , months in the future , so stump up now and don 't ask any questions , cos this place is so popular that if you don 't like it , you can fuck off and we 'll find some other schmuck to pony up the cash , ' type of system . I spent 30 years teaching , and most of that time was in the State system . I am an absolute believer in Education for all , regardless of family circumstances . But it appears this is now some sort of pipe dream . It seems your kids get what you can afford . And it seems that schools can and in fact DO charge any damn amount , in any damn way they choose and there is nothing the local punters can do about it . Shit Parking tests metal knees . I tried to post this last week and then learned that the photo hadn 't appeared and so I reckon the story could not have made much sense . The old computer gremlins at work again huh ? Anyway I think I have fixed the problem and so here it is again . I am an average sort of driver . I don 't routinely get too stressed about speedy bully pushy fools and I don 't bully or tailgate , or flip people the finger when they piss me off . I am not vindictive about letting people in and will pull over on a single lane road to let speedy gonzalies pass , mostly cos I don 't like the stress of ' em being right on my bumper . I was 20 and had just bought a brand new lovely blue car . It was only 2 months old and I smashed the shit out of it . I was never sure how that happened . I took responsibility for the crash , cos the bloke walloped me on the right , even though I reckon the fellow must have really been moving . Ho hum hey . My fault , thankfully there was insurance . But because I imagine my little Mazda 2 is the size of a tank when it comes time to park up , I am pretty careful . I will take a couple of runs at it if necessary , just to make sure that I am in the bay properly and I can reverse park if needs be , but I don 't like it if someone is watching me cos I don 't do well with that extra pressure . It really is a sort of obsession and one that means that generally speaking my little girl goes unscathed by dickheads shoving open their car doors onto her . There is always room , and if there isn 't any room , I drive on somewhere else . Yeh cos I think I am parking a tank , I have been known to start out shopping at one place and finish up being somewhere else . But I can always get in and out of the girl with ease . Such was the case on Wednesday in Brisvegas . We returned to the car after a meal celebrating the Grandie Boy 's Martial Art 's grading , to find 00BED parked up so close that I could not open my door . I slid sidewards between the 2 cars . I backed out and tried going in the other way . I backed in and fronted in and tried hard to vapourise myself so I could float in . I worked up quite the sweat trying to get in . I swore loudly and badly and my girl went looking for the dick who had parked up with so little regard for anyone else . People came offering assistance . People came for an incredulous look see . People came to wonder about the fat old woman with the bucket mouth . I was not very gracious , cos I was single mindedly trying to work out how to get in . I tried going in face first . . . Useless ! So I sat and shimmied - no not in a good way . Spread - eagled , I arse planted from one seat to the other and then slowly managed to get enough bend from the metal knees to pull myself over the hand brake and the gear stick and seat belt thingy , into place . Damage to my nether regions was a risk I needed to take . I am pretty sure that the sweat thankfully added to my ' slipperbility ' . I puffed and panted and people of the Panel Van , ' If the van 's a rocking don 't come a knocking ' era , would have given my car a wide birth for fear of interrupting an intimate moment . A note was placed under the windscreen wiper . It was vehement and angry and rude and perhaps just a little shocking . I wanted to do some bad bad word name calling in red lippy all over their windscreen but my girl thought that not a good idea . I am still a little sorry that I pulled up short on that . I like the pace and the horns blasting and the emergency vehicles screeching by . I like the grit and the anonymity , even though I always nod and say ' Good morning ' to total strangers , including bus drivers and rubbish collectors . I like the cafes and restaurants and going to the pictures or the theatre or art galleries . I like being able to get around leaving the car behind , cos the public transport is cheap and cheerful . Yep I like the city . The Goldie is not the city tho . Oh sure it has it 's pluses . It has a Myer right by the beach and there are certainly plenty of police sirens screaming towards Surfers Paradise on weekend evenings but the place is really only a biggish country town . Wooli is about 50 km east of Grafton in NSW , and is just a tiny spec of houses along one rather narrow road drawn down an isthmus of land which runs precariously between a creek and the Pacific Ocean . The public transport here consists of the courtesy bus to the bowls club which makes damn fine slurppy cosmopolitans and serves up some Chinese fare that must be bought only by locals cos the menu was so weird and there were no prices listed . We didn 't try it , just not brave enough I 'm afraid and they don 't like dogs . I guess they just don 't fancy the idea of bowling around a big old turd . I understand that . We got a bit lost and the sat nav turned into a wandering arrow as the maps became hazy and we found some lovely little places and a vehicular ferry that took us free of charge across the mighty Clarence River . We discovered that even the week out from their big festival of the Jacarandas , Grafton town was closed up tighter than a nun 's what ' sit on a Saturday afternoon , and we found the beach . Everywhere we went we found the beach . We drove to Coff 's Harbour which is a much bigger little town than I thought it would be and we found the beach . Bloody lovely . And we popped back out to the coast from the highway and we found more beaches and headlands and coastal walks . Bloody lovely . So what it means is that insurance companies and super funds and government agencies and quangos and utility companies and banks and telcos can all , without fear , keep sending wrath cooking shit in the post , or emails , and then encourage ' customers ' to call premium rate numbers to ask what the fuck is going on . Yep they no longer need to fear that the shit that they send or the procedures they put in place , will make people cross enough to swear or heaven forbid raise their voices , cos if they even think that 's gonna happen they can just trill off their little phrase about , ' terminating this call ' and they can go onto the next one . It makes fuck all difference after all cos they have no interest in providing customer service , cos they get paid regardless . So what devastating things could have befallen our fearless , now fearsome folk on the phones . Well I guess someone could have hung up on them loudly , although that really hasn 't happened in the last decade cos in the digital era , it 's not possible to slam of the old plastic receiver onto the phone ( this was excruciating and exhilarating depending on which end you were on ) - yeh back in the old days , when there was some interest in solving a problem or easing a complaint , that slamming clunk would have meant trouble cos that would have been one pissed off customer who might be immediately walking their business elsewhere . Yeh the boss would not be happy about the customer hang ups , follow ups would happen , and apologies would be offered and businesses would grow . So there might have been a hang up or 2 , or as happened , every day when I worked the phones with my mate Rosie , we 'd be told to ' Fuck Off ' . I suppose it was lucky that we were a couple of teflon gals cos instead of needing stress leave and psychiatric attention , we 'd laugh it off and count ' em up . I reckon that 24 might have been the winning score in a 6 hour shift . What truly dreadful thing must have happened that has lead to this ' Terminate the call ' crappola ? Perhaps it 's the ' elf and safety police ' just making sure they all stay in a job , so people are employed to write the ' terminate the call ' dialogue , and then trainers need to be employed to teach the phone operators how to best deliver this speech , and of course then there would need to be counselors on hand or at least on speed dial for when things get really out of hand . Yeh I can see how the unions would be tickled pink with themselves to have engineered all these other roles , it 's just a shame that from a customer perspective , there is less and less service . I was gonna outline the events leading up to me hearing ' the speech ' today but I am pretty sure that we have all heard it before and the organisations are , let 's face interchangeable . I didn 't swear , I have learnt my lesson on that one , but I did raise my voice , mostly because I imagined that PAUL was hard of hearing cos it was that or he was just thick as shit . Pop along if you like , but if you come down on the side of the critic who panned it , please don 't ask me for a refund . It 's all fair in love and war remember . Posted by What a random collection of books on this page ? Top right is the book my friend Pinky Poinker wrote and it 's worth a look for a giggle . Dawn French has never written anything that I haven 't loved , Lauren Bacal - what a woman ! Anyway , I just fell into the chapters . The characters and the places all appeared in my head and I was too often a big old scaredy - cat , pleased to be able to close up the Kindle and put it all away before the nightmares stampeded into my head , cos god knows I already have enough trouble sleeping . The ' Who Dun - it ' was pretty long and drawn out , perhaps mostly cos likable characters are a bit light on the ground . Yep I enjoyed the read , and I loved the way my imagination ran rampant . I feel more than a little sorry for those literal , black and white , real or fake folk . There has been quite a lot in social media this week about how terribly plain Emily Blunt is in the movie , and given that she played a tortured alcoholic that shouldn 't be too much of a shock . She did a good job living up to my imagination . All the crap written criticising Ms Blunt 's appearance seemed to be off on an irrelevant tangent but that 's just my opinion . The cast did a pretty good job but if I have any complaint it might be that everything unfolded too quickly and so the tension was a bit lost . Of course it is entirely possible that having read the book , there was just never gonna be too many surprises , well none in fact . I mean what the fuck did I expect really ? So truth be told , I was happier and more frightened and upset and worried and relieved when I read the book than when I watched the movie , but if you haven 't read the book , pop into the pictures to have a little look see and let me know what you think . It is probably always wise to see the movie before you read a book , especially if you have a vivid imagination cos then you can sit back , self satisfied in the knowledge that what played out in your head was better than in the movie and therefore you should make a bee line for Hollywood and take up directing - well maybe not ? I reckon that most of the time I am not a girlie girlie . I didn 't like playing with dolls tho I did enjoy designing clothes and chopping off the hair of any Barbie that came too close , and if I was given the choice between tea parties and rough housing in a field , then the great outdoors was always a winner . I happily - well not really happily , but needs must and all that , climbed onto my roof and slopped shit around to cure leaks and prepared and laid many many square metres of paving . I have never shied away from doing the ' Boy 's ' jobs cos well for most of my adult life I was the bloke as well as the girlie . I am not notably afraid of too much stuff though I will admit that I spend quite a lot of time watching ' Criminal Minds ' from behind my hands or with my eyes closed . Redback spiders are no match for a pair of thongs slapped together to smear those bastards , but I am not fond of snakes . In fact I am probably OK with just about anything , anything that is , that is in full view . I don 't like the creeping up on ya shit , cos that does scare the crap outta me . Last night I made my way upstairs for a shower . It was dark . I saw a fat shadow skitter across the wall high up near the ceiling and knew that it was just a friendly old gecko . I am not afraid of of these fellas . They do a damn fine job of chomping up most of those annoying little buggers - mozzies and midges I mean , cos even a gecko is no match for those religion touting fools who sometimes knock . The Big House is home to a good number of gecko families who sing loudly to let us know that they are at work . The noise scared me . I squealed like a child . Stevie 's legs did that cartoon running action . He yelled . I laughed . He thought there must have been an intruder in the house . We were all relieved when the intruder was just a lovely gecko . The ' squeal taste ' took longer to abate , especially when I went into the bathroom to be confronted by the giant black brown moth who has been living there for a while now . Of course it does no harm but I would so like it to find somewhere else to live and to that end I had left all the windows opened in the morning so it could fly out into the big wide world . It clearly likes my room . Ho Hum . But I didn 't want it flying at me in all my nakedity and do any more scaring . It sat high on the wall and I kept an eye on it and then forgot about it . Who the fuck knows where it is now . Ho hum . And it seems that I am more flight than fight these days . Well that might well have always been the case . I am remembering a wet , towel clad , skinny woman racing out into the street to ask the delivery man dropping something next door , if he could come and help me with a . . . . . wait for it . . . . a grasshopper ! IN MY BEDROOM ! Yeh , well it was the size of a small bird ! Anyway I reckon he figured all his chrismases had come at once until that was , I showed him to the bedroom , pointed to the hopper bastard and then hid behind the door , I mean I was a lunatic about the insect , but certainly loud enough to bark instructions through a bit of wood . Well the grasshopper didn 't like the look of the guy apparently and so hopped behind the wardrobe . Matey boy thought he 'd call it a day , until I yelled to move the wardrobe and kill that sucker . He was trying to catch it and let it free outside . I am yelling like a towel draped banshee , ' Kill it . Kill it . ' He finally did get a hold of the fucker and then he and the hopper scurried away , both very happy to have made their escape from the nut house . Oh and I don 't like birds , they scare me too . Oh shit it seems I am not the Zena warrior I 'd like to be . Bugger ! ' Memories are so beautiful and yet so painful to remember and easy to forget ' . . . . yeh I know I got it wrong but no - one is listening so who cares huh ? Do you sing along to the radio and then suddenly a moment of clarity smashes into your ears with the devastation akin to wacking an overripe pawpaw with a golf club and you hear the ' real ' words ? I am always amazed when these proper , ' real ' lyrics blare out clearly and plainly and I am faced with the dilemma of having to change the habit of decades or pretend I didn 't notice . I was reading , ' What Alice Forgot ' by Liane Moriarty and so she doesn 't miss out any sales royalties and to save having to make a big SPOILER ALERT warning , all I 'll tell you is it 's a story about Alice , who lost her memories of the last 10 years . She was well enough to be let loose in the world , but her ideas and attitudes were 10 years out of date . Did she manage ? Did she like the same people ? Was she interested in the same stuff ? Well buy the book by all means and find out . Medically , certainly I would not be the least bit sad to not know all the shit that has gone down , although on close inspection I might go a little nutty - well all right , a little more nutty , trying to figure out all the scars . Some relationships have shriveled up and died without warning or good explanation and that is a shame , on who I am not prepared to say . People have died and some who would be no loss to the world are still kicking around . I do wonder though if there would be an inexplicable cringe reaction to shitful people , even if the memory was gone , and I guess that would depend on the degree of initial shit . But if I was in the book , I wouldn 't know this stuff . Not too bad a black hole huh ? And then there 's the stuff we remember . Even though my girl and I were under the same roof some of the stuff she remembers , I have long ago forgotten . Yesterday we were discussing punishments and she recalled very clearly being grounded for almost the whole of year 10 . I had forgotten all that . Yeh she was systematically a bit naughty and so would slide from one misdemeanor to the next . I am not sure what she did that was so terrible , but this might have been the year that I caught her not being where she was meant to be and driving in , skidding to a halt and yelling for her to get in the car . In retrospect it was not a big deal , but at the time it was worthy of another month of going nowhere . I had forgotten all about that until yesterday . So when I was in Amsterdam one weekend away , as happened perhaps more often than you 'd think it should while teaching in London , I stumbled across these hand painted heels and just had to have ' em . Yeh they were a folly and they have followed me all around , cos they are MY HEELS , the only heels I own , not that they are ever worn , it 's just nice to think that I have a pair for you know , if the Queen comes for a spot of arvo tea , or if I have to appear in court on cheeky cow charges and I need to look respectable . The extra height just can 't hurt can it ? My lovely Nanna used to say she was 5 ' 5 " and I would play along as I wrapped her up in a bear cuddle , a full head and shoulders above her . People do shrink I suppose cos she must have been that height at some point and just stopped measuring herself . And this week I reckon I have seen how that happens . So now I wondering how often I should book an appointment so to avoid being a shrinking violet like my Nanna . Maybe once a month is called for ? It sure is a bloody wonderful way to spend an hour . I came home and had to have a little lie down , after all I just had a growth spurt of about about 2 inches . They found the perfect location and she got to and set up her side into a lovely bar and stocked it with all manner of stupefying grog and people visited in their droves . Music blared and people looked jolly and the bartender almost always got the orders right and everyone smiled and had a damn fine time . People would pop in for a night cap on their way home from somewhere else , or else they might spend a good long while drinking up before being led to their ever so swanky linen lined table on Mr Sprats ' side . Until that is , one night a group of feisty folk went for steaks but they also wanted to drink . Now this is Australia and Surfers Paradise after all , so that 's not an uncommon combo . The waiter knew all about the anatomy of a cow but found taking a drinks order rather taxing , and so Mrs Sprats ' bar staff could be seen pouring all the drinks and leaving them tidily on Mr Sprat 's side of the bar to be collected . But they sat and sat . Eventually when the beer was flat and the chill gone from the sav blanc , someone would be reminded for the fourth or fifth time that thirst was a killer and so they 'd trip off to Mr Sprats ' side of the bar , look at the trays lined up there , GRAB THE SWIZZLE STICK LEFT THERE FOR JUST THIS PURPOSE , GIVE THE BEER A SWIZZLE ( makes me want to make a giving head remark , but I won 't ) AND TRY TO DELIVER THE DRINKS . The poor girl was sprung . She apologised and said she 'd try again , but one of the group , ready to keel over from dehydration said he 'd take his bubbles or no , and while this discussion was happening a fleet of other folk from Mr Sprats ' kitchen arrived with rather sad looking steaks and other stuff . The table had yet to be cleared from the extravagant provision of 2 tiny bread rolls and a sweat slick of sauce and even though the bottle of red to go with the cow had been delivered and unscrewed no clean glasses had been provided presumably because the girlie had said they needed to be asked for if required . 4 People stood in unison , seriously the Russian synchronised swimming team would have been proud . The cow deliverer was confused . He thought the problem was one of tardy timing in the kitchen , but then he was introduced to the chock - a - block table of uncleared plates and glasses and bits of bread crumbed detritus , and the girlie with the swizzled beer was still there and the troop of folk with the side orders straggled along and then the 4 thirsty people made a bee line for the door . Mr and Mrs Sprat would do well to remember that their place is one of very many and that it 's doubtful that they will be able to thrive on the largesse of tourists for ever . Those locals will never be back and they won 't spare breath telling other locals of the disaster . Posted by I don 't like food touching on the plate . I am not one of those people who enjoys loading up a forkful of tasty tidbits from all over the plate and shoveling it into my gob . I nearly always eat the green stuff first , often with my fingers , and then do the rest of the veg and then the meat . I never load a fork . Please don 't send me links to nutter sites , I know ! Buffets or Smorgasbords are the stuff of nightmares for me . I flew into Manchester UK for a teacher thing and stayed at the venue . They had a ONLY buffet food . I was on my own so was not distracted by conversation and against my better judgement I sat looking at the tables of food . I watched as small kids kept coming up to the pudding counter and plunging their fingers and then their whole hands into the stuff . I nearly puked . Needless to say I had no pudding and I spent the rest of the evening wondering if they had similarly contaminated any of the other stuff I had actually eaten . I don 't remember learning anything at the conference , but all this is crystal clear . In 2004 when Stevie and I were in the Maldives for Christmas , the buffet tables were loaded with all manner of exotic fruits for breakfast . I think it was Stevie 's first sighting of a passionfruit and he just bloody loved ' em . So every morning he 'd help himself to one , and if he fancied , he 'd haul arse up and get anothery a bit later on , perhaps after coffee . There was plenty of food and there was no chance of running out , but still we watched people pile up their plates with so many halved passionfruits that they were literally waterfalling off the plates onto the floor , where they were unceremoniously kicked under tables out of the way . The greed was appalling . It was the year the tsunami and earthquake rocked Indonesia and all places across the Indian Ocean . Our little bit of paradise was washed away . We were lucky to be able to cling onto a tree and when the water levels rose and fell and rose and fell , the devastation was complete . Electricity , plumbing , sewerage , communications were all fucked . But the island population was ok if a little beaten up except for the poor poor father who had chosen to go fishing . He never returned . Here 's the thing though , at least if you go to a smorgasbord , you get to choose what goes on your plate , but everyday here is an adventure cos you just never know . . . . . ' Life is like a box of chocolates ' and all that . Some days are good ' uns cos only one or 2 irritations rear their ugly heads and other days there are so many that I am reminded of those overflowing plates and I hope for a less greedy day tomorrow . Some days I open a tentative eye and am relieved to feel normal - whatever that is these days - I guess it 's when I don 't feel the need to whinge too loudly to Stevie about anything - poor bastard also gets the dubious pleasure of opening that box of sweeties everyday not knowing what is coming his way . Lucky he 's not diabetic I reckon . This is as close as I could come to a pic of Bessy . She looked pretty fine back in 1981 ! Well she still looks pretty good I reckon . It 's the Queen 's Birthday weekend , even though her actual ' cut the cake and get mullared on anything alcoholic ' day was way back in April . Yeh we Aussies are so laid back we are horizontal when it comes to blowing out the candles with our Queen . But I digress . By the time he was up , I told him it was afternoon tea time , more than just a little hyperbole cos really it was only just passed 9 . 30am , but I had been up forever . So we went across the village for breakfast and it was heaving . Avril had upped - sticks for the holiday so everyone was at The Duck 's Nuts . It felt quite festive . Breakfast was delicious and Dog was happy as a pig in shit cos she got plenty of leftovers . We ran into Dog 's best friend , Sam , in the park on the way home and they had a very controlled little play cos he is going in for some major surgery on his leg tomorrow . He 's a very sore boy and neither of them understood why a park gallop wasn 't possible . They sat under the tables on their leads , and every now and then , thinking we weren 't paying any attention , they 'd go at a bit of a wrestle , until we pulled ' em back into line . We all hope that the lovely Sam will recuperate quickly and that shenanigans can be on once again . Beds need to be made , but all the washing after our visitors has been thrown through the machines , and so the short week can start with all the shit jobs behind me . Ah , that means it 's OK to be a lazy cow for the whole week . Yippee !

So when for the third time this week I got a bill , and when I say bill , this third one was actually a DEBTOR ' S INVOICE , I began to wonder if in deed I was some sort of crazy person who had just forgotten to pay something important . It 's possible of course what with chemo brain and all , but rack the poor old noggin as hard as I could and I just couldn 't remember missing something . Ho Hum . Then when I had a little look , there was nothing specific on the account and no date due . Now that 's also pretty odd . Again , never in my life have I sent out an invoice , but if I did , I reckon I would include some of this basic info if I expected to be paid . Yeh , there had been NO DELIVERY . I was not going nuts , I could continue to take the chemo shit without fear of going completely senile . The bill , now a DEBTOR ' S INVOICE , was for stuff - still unspecified and not due for delivery until the end of January , yep it was for the Emperor 's new clothes . So you can imagine I instantly grabbed my credit card and told them that if they had a bridge for sale I would be interested in that too . The DEBTOR ' S INVOICE was for $ 750 . Now that 's quite a chunk of cash I reckon . And I was left wondering who just stumps up the wonga without questioning it . I mean how lazy or ridiculously wealthy would you have to be to provide your credit card details without at least asking what it 's all about ? In case you are still with me and wondering who sent the bill 3 times in a week , I will tell you , it was NOT a Nigerian Prince , and it wasn 't a gypsy house painter or drive way fixer , it wasn 't a telemarketer flogging funeral insurance . Nope , it was from a State Government agency , a High School . A State High School . Proving that certainly education is not free in Queensland , and that the accounting system in place is not your bog standard , ' User pays ' type of thing . This is more , ' You will probably use it at some point , months in the future , so stump up now and don 't ask any questions , cos this place is so popular that if you don 't like it , you can fuck off and we 'll find some other schmuck to pony up the cash , ' type of system . I spent 30 years teaching , and most of that time was in the State system . I am an absolute believer in Education for all , regardless of family circumstances . But it appears this is now some sort of pipe dream . It seems your kids get what you can afford . And it seems that schools can and in fact DO charge any damn amount , in any damn way they choose and there is nothing the local punters can do about it . Shit Parking tests metal knees . I tried to post this last week and then learned that the photo hadn 't appeared and so I reckon the story could not have made much sense . The old computer gremlins at work again huh ? Anyway I think I have fixed the problem and so here it is again . I am an average sort of driver . I don 't routinely get too stressed about speedy bully pushy fools and I don 't bully or tailgate , or flip people the finger when they piss me off . I am not vindictive about letting people in and will pull over on a single lane road to let speedy gonzalies pass , mostly cos I don 't like the stress of ' em being right on my bumper . I was 20 and had just bought a brand new lovely blue car . It was only 2 months old and I smashed the shit out of it . I was never sure how that happened . I took responsibility for the crash , cos the bloke walloped me on the right , even though I reckon the fellow must have really been moving . Ho hum hey . My fault , thankfully there was insurance . But because I imagine my little Mazda 2 is the size of a tank when it comes time to park up , I am pretty careful . I will take a couple of runs at it if necessary , just to make sure that I am in the bay properly and I can reverse park if needs be , but I don 't like it if someone is watching me cos I don 't do well with that extra pressure . It really is a sort of obsession and one that means that generally speaking my little girl goes unscathed by dickheads shoving open their car doors onto her . There is always room , and if there isn 't any room , I drive on somewhere else . Yeh cos I think I am parking a tank , I have been known to start out shopping at one place and finish up being somewhere else . But I can always get in and out of the girl with ease . Such was the case on Wednesday in Brisvegas . We returned to the car after a meal celebrating the Grandie Boy 's Martial Art 's grading , to find 00BED parked up so close that I could not open my door . I slid sidewards between the 2 cars . I backed out and tried going in the other way . I backed in and fronted in and tried hard to vapourise myself so I could float in . I worked up quite the sweat trying to get in . I swore loudly and badly and my girl went looking for the dick who had parked up with so little regard for anyone else . People came offering assistance . People came for an incredulous look see . People came to wonder about the fat old woman with the bucket mouth . I was not very gracious , cos I was single mindedly trying to work out how to get in . I tried going in face first . . . Useless ! So I sat and shimmied - no not in a good way . Spread - eagled , I arse planted from one seat to the other and then slowly managed to get enough bend from the metal knees to pull myself over the hand brake and the gear stick and seat belt thingy , into place . Damage to my nether regions was a risk I needed to take . I am pretty sure that the sweat thankfully added to my ' slipperbility ' . I puffed and panted and people of the Panel Van , ' If the van 's a rocking don 't come a knocking ' era , would have given my car a wide birth for fear of interrupting an intimate moment . A note was placed under the windscreen wiper . It was vehement and angry and rude and perhaps just a little shocking . I wanted to do some bad bad word name calling in red lippy all over their windscreen but my girl thought that not a good idea . I am still a little sorry that I pulled up short on that . I like the pace and the horns blasting and the emergency vehicles screeching by . I like the grit and the anonymity , even though I always nod and say ' Good morning ' to total strangers , including bus drivers and rubbish collectors . I like the cafes and restaurants and going to the pictures or the theatre or art galleries . I like being able to get around leaving the car behind , cos the public transport is cheap and cheerful . Yep I like the city . The Goldie is not the city tho . Oh sure it has it 's pluses . It has a Myer right by the beach and there are certainly plenty of police sirens screaming towards Surfers Paradise on weekend evenings but the place is really only a biggish country town . Wooli is about 50 km east of Grafton in NSW , and is just a tiny spec of houses along one rather narrow road drawn down an isthmus of land which runs precariously between a creek and the Pacific Ocean . The public transport here consists of the courtesy bus to the bowls club which makes damn fine slurppy cosmopolitans and serves up some Chinese fare that must be bought only by locals cos the menu was so weird and there were no prices listed . We didn 't try it , just not brave enough I 'm afraid and they don 't like dogs . I guess they just don 't fancy the idea of bowling around a big old turd . I understand that . We got a bit lost and the sat nav turned into a wandering arrow as the maps became hazy and we found some lovely little places and a vehicular ferry that took us free of charge across the mighty Clarence River . We discovered that even the week out from their big festival of the Jacarandas , Grafton town was closed up tighter than a nun 's what ' sit on a Saturday afternoon , and we found the beach . Everywhere we went we found the beach . We drove to Coff 's Harbour which is a much bigger little town than I thought it would be and we found the beach . Bloody lovely . And we popped back out to the coast from the highway and we found more beaches and headlands and coastal walks . Bloody lovely . So what it means is that insurance companies and super funds and government agencies and quangos and utility companies and banks and telcos can all , without fear , keep sending wrath cooking shit in the post , or emails , and then encourage ' customers ' to call premium rate numbers to ask what the fuck is going on . Yep they no longer need to fear that the shit that they send or the procedures they put in place , will make people cross enough to swear or heaven forbid raise their voices , cos if they even think that 's gonna happen they can just trill off their little phrase about , ' terminating this call ' and they can go onto the next one . It makes fuck all difference after all cos they have no interest in providing customer service , cos they get paid regardless . So what devastating things could have befallen our fearless , now fearsome folk on the phones . Well I guess someone could have hung up on them loudly , although that really hasn 't happened in the last decade cos in the digital era , it 's not possible to slam of the old plastic receiver onto the phone ( this was excruciating and exhilarating depending on which end you were on ) - yeh back in the old days , when there was some interest in solving a problem or easing a complaint , that slamming clunk would have meant trouble cos that would have been one pissed off customer who might be immediately walking their business elsewhere . Yeh the boss would not be happy about the customer hang ups , follow ups would happen , and apologies would be offered and businesses would grow . So there might have been a hang up or 2 , or as happened , every day when I worked the phones with my mate Rosie , we 'd be told to ' Fuck Off ' . I suppose it was lucky that we were a couple of teflon gals cos instead of needing stress leave and psychiatric attention , we 'd laugh it off and count ' em up . I reckon that 24 might have been the winning score in a 6 hour shift . What truly dreadful thing must have happened that has lead to this ' Terminate the call ' crappola ? Perhaps it 's the ' elf and safety police ' just making sure they all stay in a job , so people are employed to write the ' terminate the call ' dialogue , and then trainers need to be employed to teach the phone operators how to best deliver this speech , and of course then there would need to be counselors on hand or at least on speed dial for when things get really out of hand . Yeh I can see how the unions would be tickled pink with themselves to have engineered all these other roles , it 's just a shame that from a customer perspective , there is less and less service . I was gonna outline the events leading up to me hearing ' the speech ' today but I am pretty sure that we have all heard it before and the organisations are , let 's face interchangeable . I didn 't swear , I have learnt my lesson on that one , but I did raise my voice , mostly because I imagined that PAUL was hard of hearing cos it was that or he was just thick as shit . Pop along if you like , but if you come down on the side of the critic who panned it , please don 't ask me for a refund . It 's all fair in love and war remember . Posted by What a random collection of books on this page ? Top right is the book my friend Pinky Poinker wrote and it 's worth a look for a giggle . Dawn French has never written anything that I haven 't loved , Lauren Bacal - what a woman ! Anyway , I just fell into the chapters . The characters and the places all appeared in my head and I was too often a big old scaredy - cat , pleased to be able to close up the Kindle and put it all away before the nightmares stampeded into my head , cos god knows I already have enough trouble sleeping . The ' Who Dun - it ' was pretty long and drawn out , perhaps mostly cos likable characters are a bit light on the ground . Yep I enjoyed the read , and I loved the way my imagination ran rampant . I feel more than a little sorry for those literal , black and white , real or fake folk . There has been quite a lot in social media this week about how terribly plain Emily Blunt is in the movie , and given that she played a tortured alcoholic that shouldn 't be too much of a shock . She did a good job living up to my imagination . All the crap written criticising Ms Blunt 's appearance seemed to be off on an irrelevant tangent but that 's just my opinion . The cast did a pretty good job but if I have any complaint it might be that everything unfolded too quickly and so the tension was a bit lost . Of course it is entirely possible that having read the book , there was just never gonna be too many surprises , well none in fact . I mean what the fuck did I expect really ? So truth be told , I was happier and more frightened and upset and worried and relieved when I read the book than when I watched the movie , but if you haven 't read the book , pop into the pictures to have a little look see and let me know what you think . It is probably always wise to see the movie before you read a book , especially if you have a vivid imagination cos then you can sit back , self satisfied in the knowledge that what played out in your head was better than in the movie and therefore you should make a bee line for Hollywood and take up directing - well maybe not ? I reckon that most of the time I am not a girlie girlie . I didn 't like playing with dolls tho I did enjoy designing clothes and chopping off the hair of any Barbie that came too close , and if I was given the choice between tea parties and rough housing in a field , then the great outdoors was always a winner . I happily - well not really happily , but needs must and all that , climbed onto my roof and slopped shit around to cure leaks and prepared and laid many many square metres of paving . I have never shied away from doing the ' Boy 's ' jobs cos well for most of my adult life I was the bloke as well as the girlie . I am not notably afraid of too much stuff though I will admit that I spend quite a lot of time watching ' Criminal Minds ' from behind my hands or with my eyes closed . Redback spiders are no match for a pair of thongs slapped together to smear those bastards , but I am not fond of snakes . In fact I am probably OK with just about anything , anything that is , that is in full view . I don 't like the creeping up on ya shit , cos that does scare the crap outta me . Last night I made my way upstairs for a shower . It was dark . I saw a fat shadow skitter across the wall high up near the ceiling and knew that it was just a friendly old gecko . I am not afraid of of these fellas . They do a damn fine job of chomping up most of those annoying little buggers - mozzies and midges I mean , cos even a gecko is no match for those religion touting fools who sometimes knock . The Big House is home to a good number of gecko families who sing loudly to let us know that they are at work . The noise scared me . I squealed like a child . Stevie 's legs did that cartoon running action . He yelled . I laughed . He thought there must have been an intruder in the house . We were all relieved when the intruder was just a lovely gecko . The ' squeal taste ' took longer to abate , especially when I went into the bathroom to be confronted by the giant black brown moth who has been living there for a while now . Of course it does no harm but I would so like it to find somewhere else to live and to that end I had left all the windows opened in the morning so it could fly out into the big wide world . It clearly likes my room . Ho Hum . But I didn 't want it flying at me in all my nakedity and do any more scaring . It sat high on the wall and I kept an eye on it and then forgot about it . Who the fuck knows where it is now . Ho hum . And it seems that I am more flight than fight these days . Well that might well have always been the case . I am remembering a wet , towel clad , skinny woman racing out into the street to ask the delivery man dropping something next door , if he could come and help me with a . . . . . wait for it . . . . a grasshopper ! IN MY BEDROOM ! Yeh , well it was the size of a small bird ! Anyway I reckon he figured all his chrismases had come at once until that was , I showed him to the bedroom , pointed to the hopper bastard and then hid behind the door , I mean I was a lunatic about the insect , but certainly loud enough to bark instructions through a bit of wood . Well the grasshopper didn 't like the look of the guy apparently and so hopped behind the wardrobe . Matey boy thought he 'd call it a day , until I yelled to move the wardrobe and kill that sucker . He was trying to catch it and let it free outside . I am yelling like a towel draped banshee , ' Kill it . Kill it . ' He finally did get a hold of the fucker and then he and the hopper scurried away , both very happy to have made their escape from the nut house . Oh and I don 't like birds , they scare me too . Oh shit it seems I am not the Zena warrior I 'd like to be . Bugger ! ' Memories are so beautiful and yet so painful to remember and easy to forget ' . . . . yeh I know I got it wrong but no - one is listening so who cares huh ? Do you sing along to the radio and then suddenly a moment of clarity smashes into your ears with the devastation akin to wacking an overripe pawpaw with a golf club and you hear the ' real ' words ? I am always amazed when these proper , ' real ' lyrics blare out clearly and plainly and I am faced with the dilemma of having to change the habit of decades or pretend I didn 't notice . I was reading , ' What Alice Forgot ' by Liane Moriarty and so she doesn 't miss out any sales royalties and to save having to make a big SPOILER ALERT warning , all I 'll tell you is it 's a story about Alice , who lost her memories of the last 10 years . She was well enough to be let loose in the world , but her ideas and attitudes were 10 years out of date . Did she manage ? Did she like the same people ? Was she interested in the same stuff ? Well buy the book by all means and find out . Medically , certainly I would not be the least bit sad to not know all the shit that has gone down , although on close inspection I might go a little nutty - well all right , a little more nutty , trying to figure out all the scars . Some relationships have shriveled up and died without warning or good explanation and that is a shame , on who I am not prepared to say . People have died and some who would be no loss to the world are still kicking around . I do wonder though if there would be an inexplicable cringe reaction to shitful people , even if the memory was gone , and I guess that would depend on the degree of initial shit . But if I was in the book , I wouldn 't know this stuff . Not too bad a black hole huh ? And then there 's the stuff we remember . Even though my girl and I were under the same roof some of the stuff she remembers , I have long ago forgotten . Yesterday we were discussing punishments and she recalled very clearly being grounded for almost the whole of year 10 . I had forgotten all that . Yeh she was systematically a bit naughty and so would slide from one misdemeanor to the next . I am not sure what she did that was so terrible , but this might have been the year that I caught her not being where she was meant to be and driving in , skidding to a halt and yelling for her to get in the car . In retrospect it was not a big deal , but at the time it was worthy of another month of going nowhere . I had forgotten all about that until yesterday . So when I was in Amsterdam one weekend away , as happened perhaps more often than you 'd think it should while teaching in London , I stumbled across these hand painted heels and just had to have ' em . Yeh they were a folly and they have followed me all around , cos they are MY HEELS , the only heels I own , not that they are ever worn , it 's just nice to think that I have a pair for you know , if the Queen comes for a spot of arvo tea , or if I have to appear in court on cheeky cow charges and I need to look respectable . The extra height just can 't hurt can it ? My lovely Nanna used to say she was 5 ' 5 " and I would play along as I wrapped her up in a bear cuddle , a full head and shoulders above her . People do shrink I suppose cos she must have been that height at some point and just stopped measuring herself . And this week I reckon I have seen how that happens . So now I wondering how often I should book an appointment so to avoid being a shrinking violet like my Nanna . Maybe once a month is called for ? It sure is a bloody wonderful way to spend an hour . I came home and had to have a little lie down , after all I just had a growth spurt of about about 2 inches . They found the perfect location and she got to and set up her side into a lovely bar and stocked it with all manner of stupefying grog and people visited in their droves . Music blared and people looked jolly and the bartender almost always got the orders right and everyone smiled and had a damn fine time . People would pop in for a night cap on their way home from somewhere else , or else they might spend a good long while drinking up before being led to their ever so swanky linen lined table on Mr Sprats ' side . Until that is , one night a group of feisty folk went for steaks but they also wanted to drink . Now this is Australia and Surfers Paradise after all , so that 's not an uncommon combo . The waiter knew all about the anatomy of a cow but found taking a drinks order rather taxing , and so Mrs Sprats ' bar staff could be seen pouring all the drinks and leaving them tidily on Mr Sprat 's side of the bar to be collected . But they sat and sat . Eventually when the beer was flat and the chill gone from the sav blanc , someone would be reminded for the fourth or fifth time that thirst was a killer and so they 'd trip off to Mr Sprats ' side of the bar , look at the trays lined up there , GRAB THE SWIZZLE STICK LEFT THERE FOR JUST THIS PURPOSE , GIVE THE BEER A SWIZZLE ( makes me want to make a giving head remark , but I won 't ) AND TRY TO DELIVER THE DRINKS . The poor girl was sprung . She apologised and said she 'd try again , but one of the group , ready to keel over from dehydration said he 'd take his bubbles or no , and while this discussion was happening a fleet of other folk from Mr Sprats ' kitchen arrived with rather sad looking steaks and other stuff . The table had yet to be cleared from the extravagant provision of 2 tiny bread rolls and a sweat slick of sauce and even though the bottle of red to go with the cow had been delivered and unscrewed no clean glasses had been provided presumably because the girlie had said they needed to be asked for if required . 4 People stood in unison , seriously the Russian synchronised swimming team would have been proud . The cow deliverer was confused . He thought the problem was one of tardy timing in the kitchen , but then he was introduced to the chock - a - block table of uncleared plates and glasses and bits of bread crumbed detritus , and the girlie with the swizzled beer was still there and the troop of folk with the side orders straggled along and then the 4 thirsty people made a bee line for the door . Mr and Mrs Sprat would do well to remember that their place is one of very many and that it 's doubtful that they will be able to thrive on the largesse of tourists for ever . Those locals will never be back and they won 't spare breath telling other locals of the disaster . Posted by I don 't like food touching on the plate . I am not one of those people who enjoys loading up a forkful of tasty tidbits from all over the plate and shoveling it into my gob . I nearly always eat the green stuff first , often with my fingers , and then do the rest of the veg and then the meat . I never load a fork . Please don 't send me links to nutter sites , I know ! Buffets or Smorgasbords are the stuff of nightmares for me . I flew into Manchester UK for a teacher thing and stayed at the venue . They had a ONLY buffet food . I was on my own so was not distracted by conversation and against my better judgement I sat looking at the tables of food . I watched as small kids kept coming up to the pudding counter and plunging their fingers and then their whole hands into the stuff . I nearly puked . Needless to say I had no pudding and I spent the rest of the evening wondering if they had similarly contaminated any of the other stuff I had actually eaten . I don 't remember learning anything at the conference , but all this is crystal clear . In 2004 when Stevie and I were in the Maldives for Christmas , the buffet tables were loaded with all manner of exotic fruits for breakfast . I think it was Stevie 's first sighting of a passionfruit and he just bloody loved ' em . So every morning he 'd help himself to one , and if he fancied , he 'd haul arse up and get anothery a bit later on , perhaps after coffee . There was plenty of food and there was no chance of running out , but still we watched people pile up their plates with so many halved passionfruits that they were literally waterfalling off the plates onto the floor , where they were unceremoniously kicked under tables out of the way . The greed was appalling . It was the year the tsunami and earthquake rocked Indonesia and all places across the Indian Ocean . Our little bit of paradise was washed away . We were lucky to be able to cling onto a tree and when the water levels rose and fell and rose and fell , the devastation was complete . Electricity , plumbing , sewerage , communications were all fucked . But the island population was ok if a little beaten up except for the poor poor father who had chosen to go fishing . He never returned . Here 's the thing though , at least if you go to a smorgasbord , you get to choose what goes on your plate , but everyday here is an adventure cos you just never know . . . . . ' Life is like a box of chocolates ' and all that . Some days are good ' uns cos only one or 2 irritations rear their ugly heads and other days there are so many that I am reminded of those overflowing plates and I hope for a less greedy day tomorrow . Some days I open a tentative eye and am relieved to feel normal - whatever that is these days - I guess it 's when I don 't feel the need to whinge too loudly to Stevie about anything - poor bastard also gets the dubious pleasure of opening that box of sweeties everyday not knowing what is coming his way . Lucky he 's not diabetic I reckon . This is as close as I could come to a pic of Bessy . She looked pretty fine back in 1981 ! Well she still looks pretty good I reckon . It 's the Queen 's Birthday weekend , even though her actual ' cut the cake and get mullared on anything alcoholic ' day was way back in April . Yeh we Aussies are so laid back we are horizontal when it comes to blowing out the candles with our Queen . But I digress . By the time he was up , I told him it was afternoon tea time , more than just a little hyperbole cos really it was only just passed 9 . 30am , but I had been up forever . So we went across the village for breakfast and it was heaving . Avril had upped - sticks for the holiday so everyone was at The Duck 's Nuts . It felt quite festive . Breakfast was delicious and Dog was happy as a pig in shit cos she got plenty of leftovers . We ran into Dog 's best friend , Sam , in the park on the way home and they had a very controlled little play cos he is going in for some major surgery on his leg tomorrow . He 's a very sore boy and neither of them understood why a park gallop wasn 't possible . They sat under the tables on their leads , and every now and then , thinking we weren 't paying any attention , they 'd go at a bit of a wrestle , until we pulled ' em back into line . We all hope that the lovely Sam will recuperate quickly and that shenanigans can be on once again . Beds need to be made , but all the washing after our visitors has been thrown through the machines , and so the short week can start with all the shit jobs behind me . Ah , that means it 's OK to be a lazy cow for the whole week . Yippee !

It must have been almost thirty years ago that the family decided we could probably shake up a few traditions without pissing off the gods , and we examined the Thanksgiving dinner menu with fresh eyes . That 's the kind of thing you 're allowed to do when your family traditions include items from the Jell - O and marshmallow families . Dave and his sister didn 't really like turkey , but the rest of us thought that was non - negotiable . Possibly even a matter of law . Punkin pie was mandatory also , but there could be a little wiggle room with other desserts . " What this dinner needs , " Susan said , " is more chocolate . " Or any chocolate . I 'd recently run across a promising - sounding recipe in a magazine I , as a letter carrier , was supposed to deliver , and printed off a copy of it at work at the expense of the stamp - buying public ( thank you , America ) . I couldn 't remember what it was offhand but I offered to have a look . " Does it have any chocolate in it ? " Susan asked . It was one of those recipes that starts out as a pain in the ass . You preheat the oven to 350 and then you find square pans and grease them and then line them with tin foil and then grease that and flour it and knock out the excess flour , and by then your oven is preheated and you haven 't even touched an ingredient . But the ingredients are tremendous . A pound of chocolate , a half pound of butter , eggs , sugar , walnuts , brandy , and two tablespoons of flour just to restore order and discipline . It 's still a bit of a pain in the ass but you can feel confident it 's going to be great , because chocolate butter sugar brandy . You do have to whip the egg whites and egg yellows separately and " gently fold " - - god , I love that - - the whites into your chocolate sludge . If there 's a way to do that without losing all the loft from the egg whites , I have never found it . Then you bake your two layers , and they puff up sort of randomly , and you let them cool overnight on a rack . The next morning your little square cake layers look all stomped to hell . They 're lumpy and shrunken and flat as an old lady 's tit . Or so I 'm told . It 's a panic situation , that first year , but hey - - that 's what the frosting is for . It starts out as cream and sugar . You 're supposed to boil those and then reduce to low and let it bubble for ten minutes whilst " occasionally washing down sugar crystals from the side of the pan with a moistened pastry brush . " Like I 'm ever going to do anything with a moistened pastry brush . The frosting is fabulous and the cakes go together beautifully , with walnuts pressed into the sides for the jazz of it . It 's a hit . Anyone who ingests more than about a two - inch cube of it has to lie down on the floor for an hour , but it 's a hit . And a tradition is born . The next year , and all the years after that , the cakes do the exact same thing , but by then you 've realized that they 're only in the recipe to keep the fudge frosting layers apart , like a semi - colon holding back a pair of clauses . But the frosting doesn 't set up properly . You review your ingredients , find them accurately measured , and frost the cake anyway as is . After a while someone notices it 's crawling off the counter and heading for the hinterlands at a dead gallop . It 's a family effort to corral the frosting with a deft posse of fingers , and even if it doesn 't look like it belongs on a magazine cover , you still have to make it again the next year . Discoveries are made over the decades . A few years in , I scribble a note in the margins : no need to grease the pans first . Duh . The tin foil slides right out . Some years the frosting works and some years it doesn 't . I finally realize it 's one of those heat things . It 's chemistry . Chemistry was my favorite subject but when it slides into the kitchen arena , it 's black magic . This frosting business is one of those candy - making deals where you have to check if your balls are hard or soft , and it 's all too embarrassing . At some point I recognize that my frosting works if I let it bubble at a higher temperature for a slightly longer time . I scribble that in my margins . Dinner is great . Dave makes a plaintive and utterly futile motion that we have prime rib instead of turkey next year . That 's a tradition , too . I have this little weather app on my phone . It 's been pretty reliable . And that is how I learned that we were about to dip below freezing . I stood at the back door and looked out at my garden . Flowers and tomatoes were sparse , but everybody looked plump and green and contented . The next day , they would all look like something that 's been in the back of the refrigerator for a year . It 'd be a massacre . It was like looking at a passel of pink pigs lined up outside Hormel . Plants , most of them , can 't get out of the way of an arctic blast . They are famously stationary . They might flap around a bit , but they 've basically got their feet in a bucket of concrete , and winter comes on like the deep dark sea . Some of them have ways of coping . They might have nastic movements , which is not what you 're thinking it is . A nastic movement is one that is triggered by something like sunlight or cold . All their little cells are lined up like subway tiles and as each cell shrugs or slouches or stretches in response to a stimulus , the whole apparatus moves admirably . The sunflower tracks the sun across the sky . The rhododendron curls its leaves inward and toward the ground , reducing transpiration . That 's about the extent of it , for plants . Mostly they have to stay put and take what comes . For the non - hardy plants in my garden , they 're not going to take it well . They 're going to turn into snot . What was giving them such good posture all those months was their cell walls , and once the goo inside the cell freezes up , it busts the walls apart , and your plant has all the bodily integrity of pudding . All those plants do just fine in warmer climes . You get far enough south , your lantanas grow to be the size of Volkswagens . But up here , they hit the freezing point and they take to their beds with the vapors . " I swan , " they drawl briefly , and then it 's game over . But what are those other plants doing - - the ones that sail right through the winter ? Most of them concentrate sugars in the spaces between the cells , and that acts like antifreeze . In fact this ploy can take some plants down to - 40 degrees ( that 's Fahrenheit - - and Celsius is even worse ) . The plants that survive below that are dehydrating , evacuating water from their cells , and what remains inside is basically jam . It 's the same thing Norwegians do , only they replace their body fluids with butter . The wood frog has the same idea . A better idea might have been to live south of Alaska like a normal frog , but the wood frog is a non - conformist . He sugars up his cells and goes right ahead and freezes , stuck in the pond mud . The wood frog is , for several months of the year , basically a puck . And then when he thaws out , he reconstitutes his former glory bit by bit until he can hop away . Takes upwards of 24 hours and he 's good as new . He doesn 't much feel like having sex for a while longer , but eventually he gets a notion . My Agapanthus plants are the ones that surprised me most . They 're really not supposed to be hardy here . But they still look fine , all fat and fleshy , unless it gets really cold , like it did last winter . Then they turn into snot . But they store their secrets and passwords in fine stout roots , and the next spring they pop out again , although they won 't flower ; if they have a mild winter after that , they 'll flower the next year . So they 're just like the wood frog when it comes to sex . They don 't want it quite yet , but just you wait . My heart twists a little for those innocent tender plants in my garden , who don 't know what 's about to hit them . But then I realize : they 're not like us . They don 't have grief . Because they don 't have existential dread . When it first occurred to me that I should have some kind of system to back up all my literary output , rather than having it merely traced into pixel vapor , my friend Walter gave me a lot of good advice . Redundancy was the key . I should have my documents copied on all my computers . I should have all data sucked into an external hard drive . I should print out everything I write and mail it to a friend whose house is unlikely to burn down at the same time as mine . I should transfer all my files onto a thumb drive nightly and strap it to a homing pigeon . I should engrave my novels onto granite slabs and rubberize them against acid rain . What the external hard drive does is copy all my files and jam them into a little box , and it does this faithfully for a couple months , and then it does a big stretch and a yawn for another month and then sends a little oopsie note to the computer , which says " oh , by the way - - you haven 't backed anything up for the last month . " This earns the external hard drive a trip to the mothership via US Mail , and another one shows up on my doorstep in a week . The new one does the exact same thing . So does the third , but by then the factory is no longer interested in sending me a new one . This sounds like something a good Christian would do to get out of dying . But I am not a good Christian , and I have no confidence that the Cloud will have me . Walter sends new , updated advice and a link to a backup service . Inasmuch as he did all the research for me , I believe I owe him the effort of sorting through the reviews on the backup service . And there I encounter this : Kernel panic crashes ? ! I 'm unfamiliar . But if it 's anything like suffering an abrasion of the dip - nodule or having your winkle spindled , I want no part of it . I 'm totally on board with the trip to the bar and the wiping , so I tend to trust the guy . And the prospect of never having another problem is very attractive to me . So I 'm going to uninstall Crashplan . We just had a big wind . It was something that got ginned up in the South Pacific and then spun through the Aleutian Islands , and then Alaska flang it back down to us , and it was something . The house groaned and the wind roared like they were in a sumo match , outcome unknown . I tend to enjoy these events , up to a point . It 's exhilarating , until you realize that those are all your next breaths out there , and they might be whipping by too fast to catch them . They say that those sustained strong winds will drive a person crazy . Technically , this is not true . What really happens is that all the non - crazy people are inside behind thermal windows with a toddy , and that makes the crazy people easier to spot . But it is true that there is something deeply exciting and spooky about wind . Because you can 't see it . All you can see is garbage cans flying past your house and trees bending over and hats shooting off people 's heads like popped corks , and any one of those sights would freak you out if you weren 't already familiar with the concept of wind . It 's like an invisible hand is pushing everything around . Religions have been founded on less . I mean , look : here we all are , inexplicably , and there 's all this stuff , and it 's moving around , and we 're being blown about in ways we can 't understand , and most of us just feel better if we have someone to pin it on . Preferably , someone that is a lot like us in familiar ways , only much , much bigger . I 'm as fascinated by what I see around me as anyone else , but I personally get no juice out of that particular notion . It 's an unsatisfying explanation . It just passes the buck . Of the many traditions that postulate the existence of the way , way larger Beings pushing everything around , I 'm most comfortable with the ancient Greeks ' . They at least observed that all kinds of shitty stuff happens to people who don 't necessarily deserve it . So they figured the gods were just having themselves a fine time amongst themselves , and if someone gets his liver pecked out or gets swan feathers in her hoo - hoo , that wasn 't really any concern of theirs . We 're game pieces ; we 're collateral damage . In contrast , people who plant their flags on the idea of one single really , really large Being - - one who is presumed to be affectionate and have our best interests at heart - - those people get themselves all pretzeled up over their own misfortunes . We take everything so personally . One of the times we had a huge windstorm , a 100 - foot - tall Douglas fir tree came down on the deck of our cabin . Then another came down precisely on top of the first . Then another . We had three gigantic trees stacked up right alongside the house and they only nicked a little flashing off the roof . This is the sort of thing people like to think of as a miracle . We weren 't home at the time , but we take things so personally that even the preservation of our real estate holdings gets to count as miraculous . I call it dumb luck . Even if there were a really , really large Being in charge of aiming a falling tree , who 's to say the effort was on our behalf ? It could have been the grand comeuppance of a naughty chipmunk who was overdue for a smiting . It all depends on your viewpoint , and it pays to have more than one . As many of you are aware , I have a deep personal interest in poop . No point in false modesty : I 'm good at it . I enjoy the process and the result . I am prouder of some results over others , but I regard them all with the same interest as anything else I made by myself . So I rarely suffer from either constipation or writer 's block . If anything , I have the opposite problem . This doesn 't bother me . It 's interesting too . The only problem arises when there 's a lack of receptacle ( " toilet , " or " publisher " ) . This is a recurring consideration when you 're a mail carrier . There is a limited number of opportunities on any given route to conduct deeply personal business . Say you are walking along with your mail satchel and suddenly the bowel alarm trips ( whoop ! whoop ! whoop ! ) . Three delivery points away is a small law firm with a reliable toilet . You 'd prefer to have delivered the two intervening stops first , and you make the calculation that such a thing is possible . This is one notable area where having an optimistic outlook can backfire on you , as it were . Things begin to feel urgent ( whoop ! whoop ! whoop ! ) in a hurry . You motor on with your butt cheeks clenched hard enough to crack walnuts . Finally you make it to the lawyer 's office and walk in like Mrs . Hu - Wiggins . Your clenching musculature has come through for you . It has seen you all the way into the bathroom . It has seen you through to the dropping of the postal - blue culottes . And it damn near has gotten you safely to ground zero . But not quite . Never quite . It is a small law firm . An intimate office . There 's nothing wrong with your underpants that a good solo ride in a hot washing machine wouldn 't fix , but you determine that the personal cost of transporting your underpants home in their current condition is greater than the price of new underpants , and you stash them into the wastebasket of the bathroom in the intimate lawyer 's office . Bury them . Study the result . And decide to put a solid knot in the wastebasket liner and carry it off in your satchel until you find a dumpster . And this is where Instant Underpants comes in handy . Instant Underpants is a real product that comes in a small , discreet tin . The underpants are compressed mightily into a tablet shape , but if they are dropped in water , they expand with Sea - Monkey Technology into a serviceable pair of one - size - fits - all underpants . There are two drawbacks . Number one , one - size - fits - all underpants fit New Jersey Governor Chris Christie better than they fit you . Number two , your new underpants are wet . I kinda got how Dave trained our old cat , ( Saint ) Larry . She was more or less willing to do any old thing , as long as there was still a prospect of a lick of someone 's ice cream cone , or a plate of chicken left in a nabbable location . Just the thought of such things put her in a biddable mood . Also , she was raised like an Amish child with no television : she had no access to the list of privileges that accrue to a cat simply by being a volatile mammal with pointy fingers . When her claws emerged the first time she saw a mouse , it was probably a huge surprise to her . So when Dave taught her to roll over , and shake hands , and tell time , and monitor the phone for solicitations , it seemed kind of normal . The outdoor - cat privileges came later . First she was only allowed out on the porch when Dave went out to smoke a cigarette . After a bunch of years of that , she was permitted to meander on to the patio , and no further . Sparrows could line up along the perimeter in sturdy confidence . Larry was pretty much a perfect cat , except for that pooping - any - old - where thing , but even that just showed how laid - back she was . But Dave quit smoking long ago , and Tater is a whole different cat . She 's a rolling vat of verve . When she gets a notion to verve all over the house , she registers on a seismograph . She 's also been raised Amish , but she seems to have more of a direct line to her instinctual heritage than Larry did , and that can only be bad news . Sure , she rolls over when you tell her to , but you can 't get her to shake hands for anything , she never RSVPs , and she does not give one shit about ice cream or chicken . But , twitchy and avid at the window , she certainly gives the impression that the only thing keeping her from extinguishing a raft of birds is us , and our doors . Minus our intervention , the entire bird population of the back yard would be reduced to pillow stuffing and a gnarly pile of guts . So I hollered the first time I saw Dave leave the back door open . Tater strolled out on the instant . Dave looked calm . " Sit , " he said , and she sat on the welcome mat . " Mat Cat , " he said to me in explanation , and I began to object , and then I realized : he 's going to do it . Later we sat out on the patio at beer - thirty . After about five minutes , Tater affected a long stretch and repositioned herself a few sly feet away from the mat . " Mat Cat , " Dave said , using a tone , and pointing , and she circled back to the mat . " Sit , " he said . Tater sat . " Well met , well met , well met ! " he boomed archaically . " I 'd like to welcome you all on this suspicious Caucasian . The American people have handed us a mandate for change . The American . . . " " Please . Have you seen the turnout ? Those people voted longer than anybody . Leave it to the coloreds to have nothing better to do than stand in line all day to vote ! Am I right ? Now . The American people have spoken , and they said it 's time to get things done . The American people said they 're not interested in climate change , so : Job One . We 're getting rid of it . Poof ! " Cheers erupted as Mr . McConnell waved his tiny wand and a swirl of black dust settled over the room . James Inhofe , presumed new chair of the Environment and Public Works Committee , patted his fingers together in ecstasy and had to be excused when he sprained his face giggling . Republican Wave whinnied and hawked up a loogie while Lamar Smith , chair of the House Science , Space , and Technology Committee strolled in to enthusiastic applause , flanked by Adam and Eve and a triceratops . " That 's right , sir , " he said . " The American people sent us here today to solve problems , and the biggest problem we face is science . That 's Job One , right , guys ? Let 's all give a hand to our friends here , Adam , the little woman , and this big fellow . " Adam nodded shyly and patted the triceratops on the thigh , his fig leaf beginning to flutter . " Found him in the Garden of Eden , " he said , as Eve cast him a demure smile . The triceratops rumpled up his face plates in confusion and motioned for an interpreter . " Just did , son , " McConnell said , his hand in a complimentary bowl of Cheetos . " It 's the responsible thing to do . Look . You can have all the airy - fairy theories you want , but at some point you need to grow up . We can 't fix climate change and burn fossil fuels both . And the American people know what they want . We 're not going to stop giving it to them until all the money is drilled out . We 're the greatest nation on Earth ! We 'll be fine . " " Job One number three , " House Speaker John Boehner put in , dabbing away a tear , " Repealing Obamacare . " He held his hand up , acknowledging the ovation . " We 're going to rip Obamacare out by the curly hairs , and replace it with a good Republican plan that guarantees a marketplace of affordable insurance options , prohibits the cancellation of coverage for pre - existing conditions , and allows children to stay on their parents ' insurance until age 26 . " " FreedomCare , " Mr . McConnell inserted . " It 's completely different , son . And we 're adding a phrenology benefit and a free annual balancing of the humours . " " And no website . Am I right ? We 'll have Marge and Phyllis back on the switchboard , doing what they do best for America . Make no mistake : we are here on America 's business , but we are extending the crabbed hand of cooperation and hoping the President will agree to meet us halfway . Say , the sixteenth century , " he concluded . " I would like to point out at this time , " whined Harry Reid from a low stool in the corner , " that the room is fast filling up with unicorn and triceratops shit . And your friend Adam over there is looking a little gassy . Can we adjourn until such time as we get this all cleaned up ? " " Cleaned up ! " McConnell was tinkly with laughter . " Let me show you how it 's done , my friend . We don 't clean up . We 'll just adjourn to the GlaxoSmithKline Room for now , head over to the Monsanto Cafeteria for lunch , pee - pee in the BP teepee , and reconvene tomorrow in the Johnson and Johnson Senate Chambers . Clean up ! " The room had collapsed into hilarity , with several members off - balance from attempts to connect with a high - five . I recently wrote about fishing , and how it 's just like life - - because maybe nothing at all will happen , but maybe something exciting will happen in the very next second , and you just never know . That also makes it like diarrhea . Here 's what fishing is even more like : finding a literary agent . You can grab your best pole ( fishing pole , guys ) and fling that baby out there time after time after time , and a lot of the time you reel it back in and there 's nothing but weeds on the line , or you think you get a big bite and it turns out you 're snagged on a log , or you get your hook stuck in the tree behind you on the back - cast ( that would be when you write a masterful query letter to one agency only to realize you have addressed it to an agent in a whole different agency ) , or , most often , you do this for weeks and months on end and hear nothing at all . And after you 've done this enough times , you begin to wonder about your worm ( fishing worm , guys ) . It was a nice stout worm when you started casting , pink , eager , and wriggly , but now it 's kind of sad and unappetizing , and you start thinking maybe you aren 't a good judge of worms . You start thinking , maybe there 's something wrong with this worm . Maybe it 's , like , the worst worm in the world . All raggedy - ass and bloated with too long of a preface and not much of an arc and an over - reliance on adverbs and little yellow bits gooshing out of it . That kind of worm . Or maybe you don 't have a good hook . I 've tried to get representation for more than one book . I 've got two novel manuscripts all ready to go . But most recently I tried querying agents for the most recent one I 've written , a humor book about birds . Things started out pretty well . A lovely woman with her own agency and a professed fondness for birds told me , Listen . You 're a marvelous writer . My colleague read your sample chapters and said " I 'd read anything this woman writes . " I just have no idea how to position this . Is it a bird book , or is it a humor book ? Humor is a weird genre . You can 't even reliably put it in the non - fiction category . I mean , I 've got a lot of really good information about birds in my book , but if I tell you that an ornithologist once rendered two - thirds of a DeSoto through a working turkey before being fatally pecked , well - - you can 't necessarily take that to the bank . Although it 's a lot closer to the truth than you might think . It takes a certain amount of confidence to keep plunking away with an obviously defective worm . The kind of confidence you get when your beloved blog readers keep saying nice things about you , no matter what . So you spruce up you worm and drop it back into the big , dark lake . And then all of a sudden , out of nowhere , the pole just bends over . Yes , friends , I have an agent ! Her name is Barbara Poelle , from the Irene Goodman Literary Agency , and you may all refer to her as Ma ' am Yes Ma ' am . And I don 't want to say I was ( finally ) a genius about this or anything , but I really did choose to query her for a whole different reason than I did the others . What I 'd been doing is going methodically through the list of agents who were looking for " humor " and maybe " science / nature . " Barbara represents fiction , almost entirely . But she claimed she 'd look at anything that had a unique voice . And when I looked her up on the internets , I will be damned : she was funny . She , personally , was funny . And I took a shot . I can work with a funny person . Turns out , so can she . Maybe many people would not need to get freezer tape , but it breaks my heart to buy new Ziploc bags . It breaks my heart to buy plastic at all , and we can 't seem to avoid it . We clean all our Ziploc bags and reuse them until they burst into tears - - they tear at the corners - - and when we got our cute new little freezer , all I could think of was Mommy and her freezer , and she used freezer paper and freezer tape . So I knew it could be done . Naturally I already had freezer paper because it 's useful in hand - applique and stenciling , but I didn 't have freezer tape . Next time we went to Freddie 's , I had freezer tape on my list . Fred Meyer 's has most everything you might ever need . Dave went off for groceries and I hove off to the aisle with the tin foil and freezer paper and looked for the tape . I looked up and down and I didn 't find it . I talked to a nice fellow shopper and we commiserated . She couldn 't find what she was looking for , either . It occurred to me that Freddie 's might not carry freezer tape . Do they even make it anymore ? Dang ! I don 't think of myself as being that transparent , but perhaps I reveal more than I think I do . Maybe I should be more circumspect . On the other hand , " needing freezer tape " isn 't much in the way of an emotion . Turns out the other lady I 'd spoken to had tipped off the employee about my freezer tape bereftness , and the employee had gone off to check out the tape aisle herself , anticipating my arrival . We looked hard . We didn 't find any . She whipped out her phone and called another employee . " Dan 's in charge of this whole section , but he used to work appliances , " she mouthed to me , " and he says he knows for a fact that they have freezer tape over by the freezers . In one of those impulse - buy displays that sticks out from the shelves . They 'll be hanging on it from those little clips . " That 's a good idea , marketing - wise . I mean , if you 're going to go to the trouble to find freezer tape in Fred Meyer 's , and you finally find it , where better than right next to the freezers ? " Here 's my freezer tape , " you 'd say , " and look ! I could get a freezer to go with it , right here ! " It might not happen often , but for the tiny price of putting freezer tape in just the right spot , you could make a major sale . Sadly , Dan , although reputed to be amazing , was mistaken . My new friend was already on the phone again and motioning me toward Hardware . Soon we were in front of yet another tape display : electrician 's tape , blue masking tape , regular masking tape , frog tape , etc . " Monica does all the tape ordering , " she confided . " I mean , for the whole region . She literally knows everything . There 's a duct - tape deputy but she handles the rest , " she said . " And she swears we have it , and it might be here . " Her phone rang again . It was Marilyn , from Inventory , who , omigod , was awesome . " Marilyn says she 's pretty sure she saw it over by the preserving section . Just by the mason jars and paraffin , " she said . That made sense . " And that 's aisle 28 . " Off we went again , hesitating briefly at the Garden Center , where we both shared a thought balloon ( " Floral tape ? Nah " ) . We scanned the shelves of canning supplies . No freezer tape . " You know , where you should have it , if I could make a suggestion , is next to the freezer paper , over in foils and wraps . That 's the first place I looked . " I went back to Freezer Paper . I stepped to the side and noticed , for the first time , a small display that jutted out from the shelves . Freezer tape was hanging from little clips all the way down . Bingo . " GOT IT , " I bellowed to an aisle of startled plastic - wrap shoppers . I had my freezer tape and a nice quarter - mile hike under my belt and all the information I would need to run the Fred Meyer Human Resources Department . It just goes to show . Sometimes the thing you 're looking for is right in front of you . It doesn 't work for car keys or reading glasses . Works great for inner peace , and freezer tape .

It must have been almost thirty years ago that the family decided we could probably shake up a few traditions without pissing off the gods , and we examined the Thanksgiving dinner menu with fresh eyes . That 's the kind of thing you 're allowed to do when your family traditions include items from the Jell - O and marshmallow families . Dave and his sister didn 't really like turkey , but the rest of us thought that was non - negotiable . Possibly even a matter of law . Punkin pie was mandatory also , but there could be a little wiggle room with other desserts . " What this dinner needs , " Susan said , " is more chocolate . " Or any chocolate . I 'd recently run across a promising - sounding recipe in a magazine I , as a letter carrier , was supposed to deliver , and printed off a copy of it at work at the expense of the stamp - buying public ( thank you , America ) . I couldn 't remember what it was offhand but I offered to have a look . " Does it have any chocolate in it ? " Susan asked . It was one of those recipes that starts out as a pain in the ass . You preheat the oven to 350 and then you find square pans and grease them and then line them with tin foil and then grease that and flour it and knock out the excess flour , and by then your oven is preheated and you haven 't even touched an ingredient . But the ingredients are tremendous . A pound of chocolate , a half pound of butter , eggs , sugar , walnuts , brandy , and two tablespoons of flour just to restore order and discipline . It 's still a bit of a pain in the ass but you can feel confident it 's going to be great , because chocolate butter sugar brandy . You do have to whip the egg whites and egg yellows separately and " gently fold " - - god , I love that - - the whites into your chocolate sludge . If there 's a way to do that without losing all the loft from the egg whites , I have never found it . Then you bake your two layers , and they puff up sort of randomly , and you let them cool overnight on a rack . The next morning your little square cake layers look all stomped to hell . They 're lumpy and shrunken and flat as an old lady 's tit . Or so I 'm told . It 's a panic situation , that first year , but hey - - that 's what the frosting is for . It starts out as cream and sugar . You 're supposed to boil those and then reduce to low and let it bubble for ten minutes whilst " occasionally washing down sugar crystals from the side of the pan with a moistened pastry brush . " Like I 'm ever going to do anything with a moistened pastry brush . The frosting is fabulous and the cakes go together beautifully , with walnuts pressed into the sides for the jazz of it . It 's a hit . Anyone who ingests more than about a two - inch cube of it has to lie down on the floor for an hour , but it 's a hit . And a tradition is born . The next year , and all the years after that , the cakes do the exact same thing , but by then you 've realized that they 're only in the recipe to keep the fudge frosting layers apart , like a semi - colon holding back a pair of clauses . But the frosting doesn 't set up properly . You review your ingredients , find them accurately measured , and frost the cake anyway as is . After a while someone notices it 's crawling off the counter and heading for the hinterlands at a dead gallop . It 's a family effort to corral the frosting with a deft posse of fingers , and even if it doesn 't look like it belongs on a magazine cover , you still have to make it again the next year . Discoveries are made over the decades . A few years in , I scribble a note in the margins : no need to grease the pans first . Duh . The tin foil slides right out . Some years the frosting works and some years it doesn 't . I finally realize it 's one of those heat things . It 's chemistry . Chemistry was my favorite subject but when it slides into the kitchen arena , it 's black magic . This frosting business is one of those candy - making deals where you have to check if your balls are hard or soft , and it 's all too embarrassing . At some point I recognize that my frosting works if I let it bubble at a higher temperature for a slightly longer time . I scribble that in my margins . Dinner is great . Dave makes a plaintive and utterly futile motion that we have prime rib instead of turkey next year . That 's a tradition , too . I have this little weather app on my phone . It 's been pretty reliable . And that is how I learned that we were about to dip below freezing . I stood at the back door and looked out at my garden . Flowers and tomatoes were sparse , but everybody looked plump and green and contented . The next day , they would all look like something that 's been in the back of the refrigerator for a year . It 'd be a massacre . It was like looking at a passel of pink pigs lined up outside Hormel . Plants , most of them , can 't get out of the way of an arctic blast . They are famously stationary . They might flap around a bit , but they 've basically got their feet in a bucket of concrete , and winter comes on like the deep dark sea . Some of them have ways of coping . They might have nastic movements , which is not what you 're thinking it is . A nastic movement is one that is triggered by something like sunlight or cold . All their little cells are lined up like subway tiles and as each cell shrugs or slouches or stretches in response to a stimulus , the whole apparatus moves admirably . The sunflower tracks the sun across the sky . The rhododendron curls its leaves inward and toward the ground , reducing transpiration . That 's about the extent of it , for plants . Mostly they have to stay put and take what comes . For the non - hardy plants in my garden , they 're not going to take it well . They 're going to turn into snot . What was giving them such good posture all those months was their cell walls , and once the goo inside the cell freezes up , it busts the walls apart , and your plant has all the bodily integrity of pudding . All those plants do just fine in warmer climes . You get far enough south , your lantanas grow to be the size of Volkswagens . But up here , they hit the freezing point and they take to their beds with the vapors . " I swan , " they drawl briefly , and then it 's game over . But what are those other plants doing - - the ones that sail right through the winter ? Most of them concentrate sugars in the spaces between the cells , and that acts like antifreeze . In fact this ploy can take some plants down to - 40 degrees ( that 's Fahrenheit - - and Celsius is even worse ) . The plants that survive below that are dehydrating , evacuating water from their cells , and what remains inside is basically jam . It 's the same thing Norwegians do , only they replace their body fluids with butter . The wood frog has the same idea . A better idea might have been to live south of Alaska like a normal frog , but the wood frog is a non - conformist . He sugars up his cells and goes right ahead and freezes , stuck in the pond mud . The wood frog is , for several months of the year , basically a puck . And then when he thaws out , he reconstitutes his former glory bit by bit until he can hop away . Takes upwards of 24 hours and he 's good as new . He doesn 't much feel like having sex for a while longer , but eventually he gets a notion . My Agapanthus plants are the ones that surprised me most . They 're really not supposed to be hardy here . But they still look fine , all fat and fleshy , unless it gets really cold , like it did last winter . Then they turn into snot . But they store their secrets and passwords in fine stout roots , and the next spring they pop out again , although they won 't flower ; if they have a mild winter after that , they 'll flower the next year . So they 're just like the wood frog when it comes to sex . They don 't want it quite yet , but just you wait . My heart twists a little for those innocent tender plants in my garden , who don 't know what 's about to hit them . But then I realize : they 're not like us . They don 't have grief . Because they don 't have existential dread . When it first occurred to me that I should have some kind of system to back up all my literary output , rather than having it merely traced into pixel vapor , my friend Walter gave me a lot of good advice . Redundancy was the key . I should have my documents copied on all my computers . I should have all data sucked into an external hard drive . I should print out everything I write and mail it to a friend whose house is unlikely to burn down at the same time as mine . I should transfer all my files onto a thumb drive nightly and strap it to a homing pigeon . I should engrave my novels onto granite slabs and rubberize them against acid rain . What the external hard drive does is copy all my files and jam them into a little box , and it does this faithfully for a couple months , and then it does a big stretch and a yawn for another month and then sends a little oopsie note to the computer , which says " oh , by the way - - you haven 't backed anything up for the last month . " This earns the external hard drive a trip to the mothership via US Mail , and another one shows up on my doorstep in a week . The new one does the exact same thing . So does the third , but by then the factory is no longer interested in sending me a new one . This sounds like something a good Christian would do to get out of dying . But I am not a good Christian , and I have no confidence that the Cloud will have me . Walter sends new , updated advice and a link to a backup service . Inasmuch as he did all the research for me , I believe I owe him the effort of sorting through the reviews on the backup service . And there I encounter this : Kernel panic crashes ? ! I 'm unfamiliar . But if it 's anything like suffering an abrasion of the dip - nodule or having your winkle spindled , I want no part of it . I 'm totally on board with the trip to the bar and the wiping , so I tend to trust the guy . And the prospect of never having another problem is very attractive to me . So I 'm going to uninstall Crashplan . We just had a big wind . It was something that got ginned up in the South Pacific and then spun through the Aleutian Islands , and then Alaska flang it back down to us , and it was something . The house groaned and the wind roared like they were in a sumo match , outcome unknown . I tend to enjoy these events , up to a point . It 's exhilarating , until you realize that those are all your next breaths out there , and they might be whipping by too fast to catch them . They say that those sustained strong winds will drive a person crazy . Technically , this is not true . What really happens is that all the non - crazy people are inside behind thermal windows with a toddy , and that makes the crazy people easier to spot . But it is true that there is something deeply exciting and spooky about wind . Because you can 't see it . All you can see is garbage cans flying past your house and trees bending over and hats shooting off people 's heads like popped corks , and any one of those sights would freak you out if you weren 't already familiar with the concept of wind . It 's like an invisible hand is pushing everything around . Religions have been founded on less . I mean , look : here we all are , inexplicably , and there 's all this stuff , and it 's moving around , and we 're being blown about in ways we can 't understand , and most of us just feel better if we have someone to pin it on . Preferably , someone that is a lot like us in familiar ways , only much , much bigger . I 'm as fascinated by what I see around me as anyone else , but I personally get no juice out of that particular notion . It 's an unsatisfying explanation . It just passes the buck . Of the many traditions that postulate the existence of the way , way larger Beings pushing everything around , I 'm most comfortable with the ancient Greeks ' . They at least observed that all kinds of shitty stuff happens to people who don 't necessarily deserve it . So they figured the gods were just having themselves a fine time amongst themselves , and if someone gets his liver pecked out or gets swan feathers in her hoo - hoo , that wasn 't really any concern of theirs . We 're game pieces ; we 're collateral damage . In contrast , people who plant their flags on the idea of one single really , really large Being - - one who is presumed to be affectionate and have our best interests at heart - - those people get themselves all pretzeled up over their own misfortunes . We take everything so personally . One of the times we had a huge windstorm , a 100 - foot - tall Douglas fir tree came down on the deck of our cabin . Then another came down precisely on top of the first . Then another . We had three gigantic trees stacked up right alongside the house and they only nicked a little flashing off the roof . This is the sort of thing people like to think of as a miracle . We weren 't home at the time , but we take things so personally that even the preservation of our real estate holdings gets to count as miraculous . I call it dumb luck . Even if there were a really , really large Being in charge of aiming a falling tree , who 's to say the effort was on our behalf ? It could have been the grand comeuppance of a naughty chipmunk who was overdue for a smiting . It all depends on your viewpoint , and it pays to have more than one . As many of you are aware , I have a deep personal interest in poop . No point in false modesty : I 'm good at it . I enjoy the process and the result . I am prouder of some results over others , but I regard them all with the same interest as anything else I made by myself . So I rarely suffer from either constipation or writer 's block . If anything , I have the opposite problem . This doesn 't bother me . It 's interesting too . The only problem arises when there 's a lack of receptacle ( " toilet , " or " publisher " ) . This is a recurring consideration when you 're a mail carrier . There is a limited number of opportunities on any given route to conduct deeply personal business . Say you are walking along with your mail satchel and suddenly the bowel alarm trips ( whoop ! whoop ! whoop ! ) . Three delivery points away is a small law firm with a reliable toilet . You 'd prefer to have delivered the two intervening stops first , and you make the calculation that such a thing is possible . This is one notable area where having an optimistic outlook can backfire on you , as it were . Things begin to feel urgent ( whoop ! whoop ! whoop ! ) in a hurry . You motor on with your butt cheeks clenched hard enough to crack walnuts . Finally you make it to the lawyer 's office and walk in like Mrs . Hu - Wiggins . Your clenching musculature has come through for you . It has seen you all the way into the bathroom . It has seen you through to the dropping of the postal - blue culottes . And it damn near has gotten you safely to ground zero . But not quite . Never quite . It is a small law firm . An intimate office . There 's nothing wrong with your underpants that a good solo ride in a hot washing machine wouldn 't fix , but you determine that the personal cost of transporting your underpants home in their current condition is greater than the price of new underpants , and you stash them into the wastebasket of the bathroom in the intimate lawyer 's office . Bury them . Study the result . And decide to put a solid knot in the wastebasket liner and carry it off in your satchel until you find a dumpster . And this is where Instant Underpants comes in handy . Instant Underpants is a real product that comes in a small , discreet tin . The underpants are compressed mightily into a tablet shape , but if they are dropped in water , they expand with Sea - Monkey Technology into a serviceable pair of one - size - fits - all underpants . There are two drawbacks . Number one , one - size - fits - all underpants fit New Jersey Governor Chris Christie better than they fit you . Number two , your new underpants are wet . I kinda got how Dave trained our old cat , ( Saint ) Larry . She was more or less willing to do any old thing , as long as there was still a prospect of a lick of someone 's ice cream cone , or a plate of chicken left in a nabbable location . Just the thought of such things put her in a biddable mood . Also , she was raised like an Amish child with no television : she had no access to the list of privileges that accrue to a cat simply by being a volatile mammal with pointy fingers . When her claws emerged the first time she saw a mouse , it was probably a huge surprise to her . So when Dave taught her to roll over , and shake hands , and tell time , and monitor the phone for solicitations , it seemed kind of normal . The outdoor - cat privileges came later . First she was only allowed out on the porch when Dave went out to smoke a cigarette . After a bunch of years of that , she was permitted to meander on to the patio , and no further . Sparrows could line up along the perimeter in sturdy confidence . Larry was pretty much a perfect cat , except for that pooping - any - old - where thing , but even that just showed how laid - back she was . But Dave quit smoking long ago , and Tater is a whole different cat . She 's a rolling vat of verve . When she gets a notion to verve all over the house , she registers on a seismograph . She 's also been raised Amish , but she seems to have more of a direct line to her instinctual heritage than Larry did , and that can only be bad news . Sure , she rolls over when you tell her to , but you can 't get her to shake hands for anything , she never RSVPs , and she does not give one shit about ice cream or chicken . But , twitchy and avid at the window , she certainly gives the impression that the only thing keeping her from extinguishing a raft of birds is us , and our doors . Minus our intervention , the entire bird population of the back yard would be reduced to pillow stuffing and a gnarly pile of guts . So I hollered the first time I saw Dave leave the back door open . Tater strolled out on the instant . Dave looked calm . " Sit , " he said , and she sat on the welcome mat . " Mat Cat , " he said to me in explanation , and I began to object , and then I realized : he 's going to do it . Later we sat out on the patio at beer - thirty . After about five minutes , Tater affected a long stretch and repositioned herself a few sly feet away from the mat . " Mat Cat , " Dave said , using a tone , and pointing , and she circled back to the mat . " Sit , " he said . Tater sat . " Well met , well met , well met ! " he boomed archaically . " I 'd like to welcome you all on this suspicious Caucasian . The American people have handed us a mandate for change . The American . . . " " Please . Have you seen the turnout ? Those people voted longer than anybody . Leave it to the coloreds to have nothing better to do than stand in line all day to vote ! Am I right ? Now . The American people have spoken , and they said it 's time to get things done . The American people said they 're not interested in climate change , so : Job One . We 're getting rid of it . Poof ! " Cheers erupted as Mr . McConnell waved his tiny wand and a swirl of black dust settled over the room . James Inhofe , presumed new chair of the Environment and Public Works Committee , patted his fingers together in ecstasy and had to be excused when he sprained his face giggling . Republican Wave whinnied and hawked up a loogie while Lamar Smith , chair of the House Science , Space , and Technology Committee strolled in to enthusiastic applause , flanked by Adam and Eve and a triceratops . " That 's right , sir , " he said . " The American people sent us here today to solve problems , and the biggest problem we face is science . That 's Job One , right , guys ? Let 's all give a hand to our friends here , Adam , the little woman , and this big fellow . " Adam nodded shyly and patted the triceratops on the thigh , his fig leaf beginning to flutter . " Found him in the Garden of Eden , " he said , as Eve cast him a demure smile . The triceratops rumpled up his face plates in confusion and motioned for an interpreter . " Just did , son , " McConnell said , his hand in a complimentary bowl of Cheetos . " It 's the responsible thing to do . Look . You can have all the airy - fairy theories you want , but at some point you need to grow up . We can 't fix climate change and burn fossil fuels both . And the American people know what they want . We 're not going to stop giving it to them until all the money is drilled out . We 're the greatest nation on Earth ! We 'll be fine . " " Job One number three , " House Speaker John Boehner put in , dabbing away a tear , " Repealing Obamacare . " He held his hand up , acknowledging the ovation . " We 're going to rip Obamacare out by the curly hairs , and replace it with a good Republican plan that guarantees a marketplace of affordable insurance options , prohibits the cancellation of coverage for pre - existing conditions , and allows children to stay on their parents ' insurance until age 26 . " " FreedomCare , " Mr . McConnell inserted . " It 's completely different , son . And we 're adding a phrenology benefit and a free annual balancing of the humours . " " And no website . Am I right ? We 'll have Marge and Phyllis back on the switchboard , doing what they do best for America . Make no mistake : we are here on America 's business , but we are extending the crabbed hand of cooperation and hoping the President will agree to meet us halfway . Say , the sixteenth century , " he concluded . " I would like to point out at this time , " whined Harry Reid from a low stool in the corner , " that the room is fast filling up with unicorn and triceratops shit . And your friend Adam over there is looking a little gassy . Can we adjourn until such time as we get this all cleaned up ? " " Cleaned up ! " McConnell was tinkly with laughter . " Let me show you how it 's done , my friend . We don 't clean up . We 'll just adjourn to the GlaxoSmithKline Room for now , head over to the Monsanto Cafeteria for lunch , pee - pee in the BP teepee , and reconvene tomorrow in the Johnson and Johnson Senate Chambers . Clean up ! " The room had collapsed into hilarity , with several members off - balance from attempts to connect with a high - five . I recently wrote about fishing , and how it 's just like life - - because maybe nothing at all will happen , but maybe something exciting will happen in the very next second , and you just never know . That also makes it like diarrhea . Here 's what fishing is even more like : finding a literary agent . You can grab your best pole ( fishing pole , guys ) and fling that baby out there time after time after time , and a lot of the time you reel it back in and there 's nothing but weeds on the line , or you think you get a big bite and it turns out you 're snagged on a log , or you get your hook stuck in the tree behind you on the back - cast ( that would be when you write a masterful query letter to one agency only to realize you have addressed it to an agent in a whole different agency ) , or , most often , you do this for weeks and months on end and hear nothing at all . And after you 've done this enough times , you begin to wonder about your worm ( fishing worm , guys ) . It was a nice stout worm when you started casting , pink , eager , and wriggly , but now it 's kind of sad and unappetizing , and you start thinking maybe you aren 't a good judge of worms . You start thinking , maybe there 's something wrong with this worm . Maybe it 's , like , the worst worm in the world . All raggedy - ass and bloated with too long of a preface and not much of an arc and an over - reliance on adverbs and little yellow bits gooshing out of it . That kind of worm . Or maybe you don 't have a good hook . I 've tried to get representation for more than one book . I 've got two novel manuscripts all ready to go . But most recently I tried querying agents for the most recent one I 've written , a humor book about birds . Things started out pretty well . A lovely woman with her own agency and a professed fondness for birds told me , Listen . You 're a marvelous writer . My colleague read your sample chapters and said " I 'd read anything this woman writes . " I just have no idea how to position this . Is it a bird book , or is it a humor book ? Humor is a weird genre . You can 't even reliably put it in the non - fiction category . I mean , I 've got a lot of really good information about birds in my book , but if I tell you that an ornithologist once rendered two - thirds of a DeSoto through a working turkey before being fatally pecked , well - - you can 't necessarily take that to the bank . Although it 's a lot closer to the truth than you might think . It takes a certain amount of confidence to keep plunking away with an obviously defective worm . The kind of confidence you get when your beloved blog readers keep saying nice things about you , no matter what . So you spruce up you worm and drop it back into the big , dark lake . And then all of a sudden , out of nowhere , the pole just bends over . Yes , friends , I have an agent ! Her name is Barbara Poelle , from the Irene Goodman Literary Agency , and you may all refer to her as Ma ' am Yes Ma ' am . And I don 't want to say I was ( finally ) a genius about this or anything , but I really did choose to query her for a whole different reason than I did the others . What I 'd been doing is going methodically through the list of agents who were looking for " humor " and maybe " science / nature . " Barbara represents fiction , almost entirely . But she claimed she 'd look at anything that had a unique voice . And when I looked her up on the internets , I will be damned : she was funny . She , personally , was funny . And I took a shot . I can work with a funny person . Turns out , so can she . Maybe many people would not need to get freezer tape , but it breaks my heart to buy new Ziploc bags . It breaks my heart to buy plastic at all , and we can 't seem to avoid it . We clean all our Ziploc bags and reuse them until they burst into tears - - they tear at the corners - - and when we got our cute new little freezer , all I could think of was Mommy and her freezer , and she used freezer paper and freezer tape . So I knew it could be done . Naturally I already had freezer paper because it 's useful in hand - applique and stenciling , but I didn 't have freezer tape . Next time we went to Freddie 's , I had freezer tape on my list . Fred Meyer 's has most everything you might ever need . Dave went off for groceries and I hove off to the aisle with the tin foil and freezer paper and looked for the tape . I looked up and down and I didn 't find it . I talked to a nice fellow shopper and we commiserated . She couldn 't find what she was looking for , either . It occurred to me that Freddie 's might not carry freezer tape . Do they even make it anymore ? Dang ! I don 't think of myself as being that transparent , but perhaps I reveal more than I think I do . Maybe I should be more circumspect . On the other hand , " needing freezer tape " isn 't much in the way of an emotion . Turns out the other lady I 'd spoken to had tipped off the employee about my freezer tape bereftness , and the employee had gone off to check out the tape aisle herself , anticipating my arrival . We looked hard . We didn 't find any . She whipped out her phone and called another employee . " Dan 's in charge of this whole section , but he used to work appliances , " she mouthed to me , " and he says he knows for a fact that they have freezer tape over by the freezers . In one of those impulse - buy displays that sticks out from the shelves . They 'll be hanging on it from those little clips . " That 's a good idea , marketing - wise . I mean , if you 're going to go to the trouble to find freezer tape in Fred Meyer 's , and you finally find it , where better than right next to the freezers ? " Here 's my freezer tape , " you 'd say , " and look ! I could get a freezer to go with it , right here ! " It might not happen often , but for the tiny price of putting freezer tape in just the right spot , you could make a major sale . Sadly , Dan , although reputed to be amazing , was mistaken . My new friend was already on the phone again and motioning me toward Hardware . Soon we were in front of yet another tape display : electrician 's tape , blue masking tape , regular masking tape , frog tape , etc . " Monica does all the tape ordering , " she confided . " I mean , for the whole region . She literally knows everything . There 's a duct - tape deputy but she handles the rest , " she said . " And she swears we have it , and it might be here . " Her phone rang again . It was Marilyn , from Inventory , who , omigod , was awesome . " Marilyn says she 's pretty sure she saw it over by the preserving section . Just by the mason jars and paraffin , " she said . That made sense . " And that 's aisle 28 . " Off we went again , hesitating briefly at the Garden Center , where we both shared a thought balloon ( " Floral tape ? Nah " ) . We scanned the shelves of canning supplies . No freezer tape . " You know , where you should have it , if I could make a suggestion , is next to the freezer paper , over in foils and wraps . That 's the first place I looked . " I went back to Freezer Paper . I stepped to the side and noticed , for the first time , a small display that jutted out from the shelves . Freezer tape was hanging from little clips all the way down . Bingo . " GOT IT , " I bellowed to an aisle of startled plastic - wrap shoppers . I had my freezer tape and a nice quarter - mile hike under my belt and all the information I would need to run the Fred Meyer Human Resources Department . It just goes to show . Sometimes the thing you 're looking for is right in front of you . It doesn 't work for car keys or reading glasses . Works great for inner peace , and freezer tape .

It must have been almost thirty years ago that the family decided we could probably shake up a few traditions without pissing off the gods , and we examined the Thanksgiving dinner menu with fresh eyes . That 's the kind of thing you 're allowed to do when your family traditions include items from the Jell - O and marshmallow families . Dave and his sister didn 't really like turkey , but the rest of us thought that was non - negotiable . Possibly even a matter of law . Punkin pie was mandatory also , but there could be a little wiggle room with other desserts . " What this dinner needs , " Susan said , " is more chocolate . " Or any chocolate . I 'd recently run across a promising - sounding recipe in a magazine I , as a letter carrier , was supposed to deliver , and printed off a copy of it at work at the expense of the stamp - buying public ( thank you , America ) . I couldn 't remember what it was offhand but I offered to have a look . " Does it have any chocolate in it ? " Susan asked . It was one of those recipes that starts out as a pain in the ass . You preheat the oven to 350 and then you find square pans and grease them and then line them with tin foil and then grease that and flour it and knock out the excess flour , and by then your oven is preheated and you haven 't even touched an ingredient . But the ingredients are tremendous . A pound of chocolate , a half pound of butter , eggs , sugar , walnuts , brandy , and two tablespoons of flour just to restore order and discipline . It 's still a bit of a pain in the ass but you can feel confident it 's going to be great , because chocolate butter sugar brandy . You do have to whip the egg whites and egg yellows separately and " gently fold " - - god , I love that - - the whites into your chocolate sludge . If there 's a way to do that without losing all the loft from the egg whites , I have never found it . Then you bake your two layers , and they puff up sort of randomly , and you let them cool overnight on a rack . The next morning your little square cake layers look all stomped to hell . They 're lumpy and shrunken and flat as an old lady 's tit . Or so I 'm told . It 's a panic situation , that first year , but hey - - that 's what the frosting is for . It starts out as cream and sugar . You 're supposed to boil those and then reduce to low and let it bubble for ten minutes whilst " occasionally washing down sugar crystals from the side of the pan with a moistened pastry brush . " Like I 'm ever going to do anything with a moistened pastry brush . The frosting is fabulous and the cakes go together beautifully , with walnuts pressed into the sides for the jazz of it . It 's a hit . Anyone who ingests more than about a two - inch cube of it has to lie down on the floor for an hour , but it 's a hit . And a tradition is born . The next year , and all the years after that , the cakes do the exact same thing , but by then you 've realized that they 're only in the recipe to keep the fudge frosting layers apart , like a semi - colon holding back a pair of clauses . But the frosting doesn 't set up properly . You review your ingredients , find them accurately measured , and frost the cake anyway as is . After a while someone notices it 's crawling off the counter and heading for the hinterlands at a dead gallop . It 's a family effort to corral the frosting with a deft posse of fingers , and even if it doesn 't look like it belongs on a magazine cover , you still have to make it again the next year . Discoveries are made over the decades . A few years in , I scribble a note in the margins : no need to grease the pans first . Duh . The tin foil slides right out . Some years the frosting works and some years it doesn 't . I finally realize it 's one of those heat things . It 's chemistry . Chemistry was my favorite subject but when it slides into the kitchen arena , it 's black magic . This frosting business is one of those candy - making deals where you have to check if your balls are hard or soft , and it 's all too embarrassing . At some point I recognize that my frosting works if I let it bubble at a higher temperature for a slightly longer time . I scribble that in my margins . Dinner is great . Dave makes a plaintive and utterly futile motion that we have prime rib instead of turkey next year . That 's a tradition , too . I have this little weather app on my phone . It 's been pretty reliable . And that is how I learned that we were about to dip below freezing . I stood at the back door and looked out at my garden . Flowers and tomatoes were sparse , but everybody looked plump and green and contented . The next day , they would all look like something that 's been in the back of the refrigerator for a year . It 'd be a massacre . It was like looking at a passel of pink pigs lined up outside Hormel . Plants , most of them , can 't get out of the way of an arctic blast . They are famously stationary . They might flap around a bit , but they 've basically got their feet in a bucket of concrete , and winter comes on like the deep dark sea . Some of them have ways of coping . They might have nastic movements , which is not what you 're thinking it is . A nastic movement is one that is triggered by something like sunlight or cold . All their little cells are lined up like subway tiles and as each cell shrugs or slouches or stretches in response to a stimulus , the whole apparatus moves admirably . The sunflower tracks the sun across the sky . The rhododendron curls its leaves inward and toward the ground , reducing transpiration . That 's about the extent of it , for plants . Mostly they have to stay put and take what comes . For the non - hardy plants in my garden , they 're not going to take it well . They 're going to turn into snot . What was giving them such good posture all those months was their cell walls , and once the goo inside the cell freezes up , it busts the walls apart , and your plant has all the bodily integrity of pudding . All those plants do just fine in warmer climes . You get far enough south , your lantanas grow to be the size of Volkswagens . But up here , they hit the freezing point and they take to their beds with the vapors . " I swan , " they drawl briefly , and then it 's game over . But what are those other plants doing - - the ones that sail right through the winter ? Most of them concentrate sugars in the spaces between the cells , and that acts like antifreeze . In fact this ploy can take some plants down to - 40 degrees ( that 's Fahrenheit - - and Celsius is even worse ) . The plants that survive below that are dehydrating , evacuating water from their cells , and what remains inside is basically jam . It 's the same thing Norwegians do , only they replace their body fluids with butter . The wood frog has the same idea . A better idea might have been to live south of Alaska like a normal frog , but the wood frog is a non - conformist . He sugars up his cells and goes right ahead and freezes , stuck in the pond mud . The wood frog is , for several months of the year , basically a puck . And then when he thaws out , he reconstitutes his former glory bit by bit until he can hop away . Takes upwards of 24 hours and he 's good as new . He doesn 't much feel like having sex for a while longer , but eventually he gets a notion . My Agapanthus plants are the ones that surprised me most . They 're really not supposed to be hardy here . But they still look fine , all fat and fleshy , unless it gets really cold , like it did last winter . Then they turn into snot . But they store their secrets and passwords in fine stout roots , and the next spring they pop out again , although they won 't flower ; if they have a mild winter after that , they 'll flower the next year . So they 're just like the wood frog when it comes to sex . They don 't want it quite yet , but just you wait . My heart twists a little for those innocent tender plants in my garden , who don 't know what 's about to hit them . But then I realize : they 're not like us . They don 't have grief . Because they don 't have existential dread . When it first occurred to me that I should have some kind of system to back up all my literary output , rather than having it merely traced into pixel vapor , my friend Walter gave me a lot of good advice . Redundancy was the key . I should have my documents copied on all my computers . I should have all data sucked into an external hard drive . I should print out everything I write and mail it to a friend whose house is unlikely to burn down at the same time as mine . I should transfer all my files onto a thumb drive nightly and strap it to a homing pigeon . I should engrave my novels onto granite slabs and rubberize them against acid rain . What the external hard drive does is copy all my files and jam them into a little box , and it does this faithfully for a couple months , and then it does a big stretch and a yawn for another month and then sends a little oopsie note to the computer , which says " oh , by the way - - you haven 't backed anything up for the last month . " This earns the external hard drive a trip to the mothership via US Mail , and another one shows up on my doorstep in a week . The new one does the exact same thing . So does the third , but by then the factory is no longer interested in sending me a new one . This sounds like something a good Christian would do to get out of dying . But I am not a good Christian , and I have no confidence that the Cloud will have me . Walter sends new , updated advice and a link to a backup service . Inasmuch as he did all the research for me , I believe I owe him the effort of sorting through the reviews on the backup service . And there I encounter this : Kernel panic crashes ? ! I 'm unfamiliar . But if it 's anything like suffering an abrasion of the dip - nodule or having your winkle spindled , I want no part of it . I 'm totally on board with the trip to the bar and the wiping , so I tend to trust the guy . And the prospect of never having another problem is very attractive to me . So I 'm going to uninstall Crashplan . We just had a big wind . It was something that got ginned up in the South Pacific and then spun through the Aleutian Islands , and then Alaska flang it back down to us , and it was something . The house groaned and the wind roared like they were in a sumo match , outcome unknown . I tend to enjoy these events , up to a point . It 's exhilarating , until you realize that those are all your next breaths out there , and they might be whipping by too fast to catch them . They say that those sustained strong winds will drive a person crazy . Technically , this is not true . What really happens is that all the non - crazy people are inside behind thermal windows with a toddy , and that makes the crazy people easier to spot . But it is true that there is something deeply exciting and spooky about wind . Because you can 't see it . All you can see is garbage cans flying past your house and trees bending over and hats shooting off people 's heads like popped corks , and any one of those sights would freak you out if you weren 't already familiar with the concept of wind . It 's like an invisible hand is pushing everything around . Religions have been founded on less . I mean , look : here we all are , inexplicably , and there 's all this stuff , and it 's moving around , and we 're being blown about in ways we can 't understand , and most of us just feel better if we have someone to pin it on . Preferably , someone that is a lot like us in familiar ways , only much , much bigger . I 'm as fascinated by what I see around me as anyone else , but I personally get no juice out of that particular notion . It 's an unsatisfying explanation . It just passes the buck . Of the many traditions that postulate the existence of the way , way larger Beings pushing everything around , I 'm most comfortable with the ancient Greeks ' . They at least observed that all kinds of shitty stuff happens to people who don 't necessarily deserve it . So they figured the gods were just having themselves a fine time amongst themselves , and if someone gets his liver pecked out or gets swan feathers in her hoo - hoo , that wasn 't really any concern of theirs . We 're game pieces ; we 're collateral damage . In contrast , people who plant their flags on the idea of one single really , really large Being - - one who is presumed to be affectionate and have our best interests at heart - - those people get themselves all pretzeled up over their own misfortunes . We take everything so personally . One of the times we had a huge windstorm , a 100 - foot - tall Douglas fir tree came down on the deck of our cabin . Then another came down precisely on top of the first . Then another . We had three gigantic trees stacked up right alongside the house and they only nicked a little flashing off the roof . This is the sort of thing people like to think of as a miracle . We weren 't home at the time , but we take things so personally that even the preservation of our real estate holdings gets to count as miraculous . I call it dumb luck . Even if there were a really , really large Being in charge of aiming a falling tree , who 's to say the effort was on our behalf ? It could have been the grand comeuppance of a naughty chipmunk who was overdue for a smiting . It all depends on your viewpoint , and it pays to have more than one . As many of you are aware , I have a deep personal interest in poop . No point in false modesty : I 'm good at it . I enjoy the process and the result . I am prouder of some results over others , but I regard them all with the same interest as anything else I made by myself . So I rarely suffer from either constipation or writer 's block . If anything , I have the opposite problem . This doesn 't bother me . It 's interesting too . The only problem arises when there 's a lack of receptacle ( " toilet , " or " publisher " ) . This is a recurring consideration when you 're a mail carrier . There is a limited number of opportunities on any given route to conduct deeply personal business . Say you are walking along with your mail satchel and suddenly the bowel alarm trips ( whoop ! whoop ! whoop ! ) . Three delivery points away is a small law firm with a reliable toilet . You 'd prefer to have delivered the two intervening stops first , and you make the calculation that such a thing is possible . This is one notable area where having an optimistic outlook can backfire on you , as it were . Things begin to feel urgent ( whoop ! whoop ! whoop ! ) in a hurry . You motor on with your butt cheeks clenched hard enough to crack walnuts . Finally you make it to the lawyer 's office and walk in like Mrs . Hu - Wiggins . Your clenching musculature has come through for you . It has seen you all the way into the bathroom . It has seen you through to the dropping of the postal - blue culottes . And it damn near has gotten you safely to ground zero . But not quite . Never quite . It is a small law firm . An intimate office . There 's nothing wrong with your underpants that a good solo ride in a hot washing machine wouldn 't fix , but you determine that the personal cost of transporting your underpants home in their current condition is greater than the price of new underpants , and you stash them into the wastebasket of the bathroom in the intimate lawyer 's office . Bury them . Study the result . And decide to put a solid knot in the wastebasket liner and carry it off in your satchel until you find a dumpster . And this is where Instant Underpants comes in handy . Instant Underpants is a real product that comes in a small , discreet tin . The underpants are compressed mightily into a tablet shape , but if they are dropped in water , they expand with Sea - Monkey Technology into a serviceable pair of one - size - fits - all underpants . There are two drawbacks . Number one , one - size - fits - all underpants fit New Jersey Governor Chris Christie better than they fit you . Number two , your new underpants are wet . I kinda got how Dave trained our old cat , ( Saint ) Larry . She was more or less willing to do any old thing , as long as there was still a prospect of a lick of someone 's ice cream cone , or a plate of chicken left in a nabbable location . Just the thought of such things put her in a biddable mood . Also , she was raised like an Amish child with no television : she had no access to the list of privileges that accrue to a cat simply by being a volatile mammal with pointy fingers . When her claws emerged the first time she saw a mouse , it was probably a huge surprise to her . So when Dave taught her to roll over , and shake hands , and tell time , and monitor the phone for solicitations , it seemed kind of normal . The outdoor - cat privileges came later . First she was only allowed out on the porch when Dave went out to smoke a cigarette . After a bunch of years of that , she was permitted to meander on to the patio , and no further . Sparrows could line up along the perimeter in sturdy confidence . Larry was pretty much a perfect cat , except for that pooping - any - old - where thing , but even that just showed how laid - back she was . But Dave quit smoking long ago , and Tater is a whole different cat . She 's a rolling vat of verve . When she gets a notion to verve all over the house , she registers on a seismograph . She 's also been raised Amish , but she seems to have more of a direct line to her instinctual heritage than Larry did , and that can only be bad news . Sure , she rolls over when you tell her to , but you can 't get her to shake hands for anything , she never RSVPs , and she does not give one shit about ice cream or chicken . But , twitchy and avid at the window , she certainly gives the impression that the only thing keeping her from extinguishing a raft of birds is us , and our doors . Minus our intervention , the entire bird population of the back yard would be reduced to pillow stuffing and a gnarly pile of guts . So I hollered the first time I saw Dave leave the back door open . Tater strolled out on the instant . Dave looked calm . " Sit , " he said , and she sat on the welcome mat . " Mat Cat , " he said to me in explanation , and I began to object , and then I realized : he 's going to do it . Later we sat out on the patio at beer - thirty . After about five minutes , Tater affected a long stretch and repositioned herself a few sly feet away from the mat . " Mat Cat , " Dave said , using a tone , and pointing , and she circled back to the mat . " Sit , " he said . Tater sat . " Well met , well met , well met ! " he boomed archaically . " I 'd like to welcome you all on this suspicious Caucasian . The American people have handed us a mandate for change . The American . . . " " Please . Have you seen the turnout ? Those people voted longer than anybody . Leave it to the coloreds to have nothing better to do than stand in line all day to vote ! Am I right ? Now . The American people have spoken , and they said it 's time to get things done . The American people said they 're not interested in climate change , so : Job One . We 're getting rid of it . Poof ! " Cheers erupted as Mr . McConnell waved his tiny wand and a swirl of black dust settled over the room . James Inhofe , presumed new chair of the Environment and Public Works Committee , patted his fingers together in ecstasy and had to be excused when he sprained his face giggling . Republican Wave whinnied and hawked up a loogie while Lamar Smith , chair of the House Science , Space , and Technology Committee strolled in to enthusiastic applause , flanked by Adam and Eve and a triceratops . " That 's right , sir , " he said . " The American people sent us here today to solve problems , and the biggest problem we face is science . That 's Job One , right , guys ? Let 's all give a hand to our friends here , Adam , the little woman , and this big fellow . " Adam nodded shyly and patted the triceratops on the thigh , his fig leaf beginning to flutter . " Found him in the Garden of Eden , " he said , as Eve cast him a demure smile . The triceratops rumpled up his face plates in confusion and motioned for an interpreter . " Just did , son , " McConnell said , his hand in a complimentary bowl of Cheetos . " It 's the responsible thing to do . Look . You can have all the airy - fairy theories you want , but at some point you need to grow up . We can 't fix climate change and burn fossil fuels both . And the American people know what they want . We 're not going to stop giving it to them until all the money is drilled out . We 're the greatest nation on Earth ! We 'll be fine . " " Job One number three , " House Speaker John Boehner put in , dabbing away a tear , " Repealing Obamacare . " He held his hand up , acknowledging the ovation . " We 're going to rip Obamacare out by the curly hairs , and replace it with a good Republican plan that guarantees a marketplace of affordable insurance options , prohibits the cancellation of coverage for pre - existing conditions , and allows children to stay on their parents ' insurance until age 26 . " " FreedomCare , " Mr . McConnell inserted . " It 's completely different , son . And we 're adding a phrenology benefit and a free annual balancing of the humours . " " And no website . Am I right ? We 'll have Marge and Phyllis back on the switchboard , doing what they do best for America . Make no mistake : we are here on America 's business , but we are extending the crabbed hand of cooperation and hoping the President will agree to meet us halfway . Say , the sixteenth century , " he concluded . " I would like to point out at this time , " whined Harry Reid from a low stool in the corner , " that the room is fast filling up with unicorn and triceratops shit . And your friend Adam over there is looking a little gassy . Can we adjourn until such time as we get this all cleaned up ? " " Cleaned up ! " McConnell was tinkly with laughter . " Let me show you how it 's done , my friend . We don 't clean up . We 'll just adjourn to the GlaxoSmithKline Room for now , head over to the Monsanto Cafeteria for lunch , pee - pee in the BP teepee , and reconvene tomorrow in the Johnson and Johnson Senate Chambers . Clean up ! " The room had collapsed into hilarity , with several members off - balance from attempts to connect with a high - five . I recently wrote about fishing , and how it 's just like life - - because maybe nothing at all will happen , but maybe something exciting will happen in the very next second , and you just never know . That also makes it like diarrhea . Here 's what fishing is even more like : finding a literary agent . You can grab your best pole ( fishing pole , guys ) and fling that baby out there time after time after time , and a lot of the time you reel it back in and there 's nothing but weeds on the line , or you think you get a big bite and it turns out you 're snagged on a log , or you get your hook stuck in the tree behind you on the back - cast ( that would be when you write a masterful query letter to one agency only to realize you have addressed it to an agent in a whole different agency ) , or , most often , you do this for weeks and months on end and hear nothing at all . And after you 've done this enough times , you begin to wonder about your worm ( fishing worm , guys ) . It was a nice stout worm when you started casting , pink , eager , and wriggly , but now it 's kind of sad and unappetizing , and you start thinking maybe you aren 't a good judge of worms . You start thinking , maybe there 's something wrong with this worm . Maybe it 's , like , the worst worm in the world . All raggedy - ass and bloated with too long of a preface and not much of an arc and an over - reliance on adverbs and little yellow bits gooshing out of it . That kind of worm . Or maybe you don 't have a good hook . I 've tried to get representation for more than one book . I 've got two novel manuscripts all ready to go . But most recently I tried querying agents for the most recent one I 've written , a humor book about birds . Things started out pretty well . A lovely woman with her own agency and a professed fondness for birds told me , Listen . You 're a marvelous writer . My colleague read your sample chapters and said " I 'd read anything this woman writes . " I just have no idea how to position this . Is it a bird book , or is it a humor book ? Humor is a weird genre . You can 't even reliably put it in the non - fiction category . I mean , I 've got a lot of really good information about birds in my book , but if I tell you that an ornithologist once rendered two - thirds of a DeSoto through a working turkey before being fatally pecked , well - - you can 't necessarily take that to the bank . Although it 's a lot closer to the truth than you might think . It takes a certain amount of confidence to keep plunking away with an obviously defective worm . The kind of confidence you get when your beloved blog readers keep saying nice things about you , no matter what . So you spruce up you worm and drop it back into the big , dark lake . And then all of a sudden , out of nowhere , the pole just bends over . Yes , friends , I have an agent ! Her name is Barbara Poelle , from the Irene Goodman Literary Agency , and you may all refer to her as Ma ' am Yes Ma ' am . And I don 't want to say I was ( finally ) a genius about this or anything , but I really did choose to query her for a whole different reason than I did the others . What I 'd been doing is going methodically through the list of agents who were looking for " humor " and maybe " science / nature . " Barbara represents fiction , almost entirely . But she claimed she 'd look at anything that had a unique voice . And when I looked her up on the internets , I will be damned : she was funny . She , personally , was funny . And I took a shot . I can work with a funny person . Turns out , so can she . Maybe many people would not need to get freezer tape , but it breaks my heart to buy new Ziploc bags . It breaks my heart to buy plastic at all , and we can 't seem to avoid it . We clean all our Ziploc bags and reuse them until they burst into tears - - they tear at the corners - - and when we got our cute new little freezer , all I could think of was Mommy and her freezer , and she used freezer paper and freezer tape . So I knew it could be done . Naturally I already had freezer paper because it 's useful in hand - applique and stenciling , but I didn 't have freezer tape . Next time we went to Freddie 's , I had freezer tape on my list . Fred Meyer 's has most everything you might ever need . Dave went off for groceries and I hove off to the aisle with the tin foil and freezer paper and looked for the tape . I looked up and down and I didn 't find it . I talked to a nice fellow shopper and we commiserated . She couldn 't find what she was looking for , either . It occurred to me that Freddie 's might not carry freezer tape . Do they even make it anymore ? Dang ! I don 't think of myself as being that transparent , but perhaps I reveal more than I think I do . Maybe I should be more circumspect . On the other hand , " needing freezer tape " isn 't much in the way of an emotion . Turns out the other lady I 'd spoken to had tipped off the employee about my freezer tape bereftness , and the employee had gone off to check out the tape aisle herself , anticipating my arrival . We looked hard . We didn 't find any . She whipped out her phone and called another employee . " Dan 's in charge of this whole section , but he used to work appliances , " she mouthed to me , " and he says he knows for a fact that they have freezer tape over by the freezers . In one of those impulse - buy displays that sticks out from the shelves . They 'll be hanging on it from those little clips . " That 's a good idea , marketing - wise . I mean , if you 're going to go to the trouble to find freezer tape in Fred Meyer 's , and you finally find it , where better than right next to the freezers ? " Here 's my freezer tape , " you 'd say , " and look ! I could get a freezer to go with it , right here ! " It might not happen often , but for the tiny price of putting freezer tape in just the right spot , you could make a major sale . Sadly , Dan , although reputed to be amazing , was mistaken . My new friend was already on the phone again and motioning me toward Hardware . Soon we were in front of yet another tape display : electrician 's tape , blue masking tape , regular masking tape , frog tape , etc . " Monica does all the tape ordering , " she confided . " I mean , for the whole region . She literally knows everything . There 's a duct - tape deputy but she handles the rest , " she said . " And she swears we have it , and it might be here . " Her phone rang again . It was Marilyn , from Inventory , who , omigod , was awesome . " Marilyn says she 's pretty sure she saw it over by the preserving section . Just by the mason jars and paraffin , " she said . That made sense . " And that 's aisle 28 . " Off we went again , hesitating briefly at the Garden Center , where we both shared a thought balloon ( " Floral tape ? Nah " ) . We scanned the shelves of canning supplies . No freezer tape . " You know , where you should have it , if I could make a suggestion , is next to the freezer paper , over in foils and wraps . That 's the first place I looked . " I went back to Freezer Paper . I stepped to the side and noticed , for the first time , a small display that jutted out from the shelves . Freezer tape was hanging from little clips all the way down . Bingo . " GOT IT , " I bellowed to an aisle of startled plastic - wrap shoppers . I had my freezer tape and a nice quarter - mile hike under my belt and all the information I would need to run the Fred Meyer Human Resources Department . It just goes to show . Sometimes the thing you 're looking for is right in front of you . It doesn 't work for car keys or reading glasses . Works great for inner peace , and freezer tape .

No one has ever called me traditional . And at 1 : 00 a . m . on Christmas morning I decided the heck with the stockings and hung the presents on the mantel . Good enough . I even included the shoes and accessories . I told myself that this year would be different . I would start shopping in August . Silly fool . I was scrambling away ordering items online at midnight because I ran out of daylight to get to all of the stores . I wanted to be the seasoned hostess , smiling and ready when my guests came , but I was carting home my ham 2 hours before they were scheduled to arrive . I wanted to bake , although I confess I don 't like to . And bake I did . I also ate a lot of it and had to bake again . I wanted to spend a lot of time wrapping pretty packages with bows and ribbon . I had to face it , I 'm not really good at wrapping at all and although I have lived almost half of my life , I can 't tie a decent bow . And in an effort to have a color scheme going in a fashionable sense with my gifts , I chose shiny red and gold glittery wrapping paper . Glitter everywhere , my hair , my face and any place I touched . I gave up and went to the drugstore for the plain old paper stuff . No ribbons or bows . And I think gift bags are the greatest invention since microwave popcorn . I 've have spent the past 23 years having children pulling me out of bed to unwrap gifts on Christmas morning . This year my adult son ( who does not live at home ) said he would be over at 10 : 00 a . m . for the big event . I then had 2 adult children whining at 8 : 00 a . m . that tradition had been broken by this male lout , but they quickly forgot it and went back to bed . Having been up over an hour , sticking my hand in various cavities of a turkey , I now sat with my 3rd cup of coffee , drumming my fingers on the breakfast table and waited for the children . Tables turned . I made out like a bandit in the gift receiving area . Somehow I feel it might be a celestial reward for all the things I attempt to do at Christmas to make it more magical , and then fail at . The Husband gave me a gorgeous pair of Coach boots with a matching scarf and gloves ( the boots are too small but he did manage to hang on to the receipt for an exchange ) . Emily gave me a pair of flannel pajama 's ( which have been totally ditched since the M word took over my life ) and warm snugly socks from Brookstone . She obviously thinks I am always cold . . . Abigail gave me a bottle of Chanel No . 5 , and I 'd like to have a little discussion with the saleslady who talked her into it . I apologize to any of you that like it . . . it smells like baby powder gone bad . And one of my sons gave me a new laptop ( this is the same son who wouldn 't give me $ 5 . 00 in the airport one time for a magazine ) . He might have taken pity on the fact that the laptop I share with The Husband gets stolen right out from under my nose because " I have it all day " . And finally , there was one gift I didn 't get , and that was having Kevin home for Christmas . He was shipped back down to Florida for the golf season , so it was our first year not together as a family . Worse for him , being alone while us together . But we talked to him today , and while we are in the middle of a blizzard , he was out on the course , hitting a few balls . I am sure that is a tradition he will grow to love . I hope you had a wonderful Christmas ! Good morning ! I am joining Beverly at How Sweet The Sound for Pink Saturday . It has been a long tome since I have done this ! I am finally starting to get to my Christmas decorations and yesterday I pulled out one of my favorites , my porcelain angel . And she is a bit pink . . . She is also a tea light holder and looks stunning at night . Unfortunately , I 'm not too hot at taking night pictures so I couldn 't get a good one for you ! In sharing a Christmas tradition , mine is very short and sweet . As children , on Christmas Eve , all seven of us would rush up to the corner where the church was , just a half block from our home . There we attended Midnight Mass , sometimes in our pajamas under our coats ! On our way home , we ran , the excitement was too much . We hopped into bed and prayed for sleep so morning would come quickly . I am sure all of us dreamed of the presents that awaited us under the tree ! With this post I want to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas . May you have peace , joy and love and all things blessed . This past weekend The Husband and I stayed at a B & B in beautiful Galena , Illinois in celebration of our 23rd wedding anniversary . We also celebrated meeting a fellow blogger and her husband , Cindy from Applestone Cottage , and Dan . Cindy and I had been in cahoots about meeting for some time since we are two of the few Midwestern bloggers in our little community . So we agreed to meet in historic Galena , Illinois , which is very close to the Illinois / Iowa border , situated on the Mississippi River with the Galena and Illinois rivers running through . It is about a three hour drive for each of us from different directions . Galena was home to our 18th president and 9 time General , Ulysses S . Grant . The town boasts 19th century architecture and 90 % of it is on the National Historic Registry . Above is a beautiful B & B , not the one we stayed in , for I neglected to take a picture ( see Cindy 's post for that ) and I thought this one would do . Pretty isn 't it ? Here is the room we stayed in Friday night , the biggest in the home . I absolutely loved it for I have stayed in B & B 's where I could lie in bed and touch all four walls . I love the big four poster bed . It was high enough to get a nosebleed . And a gorgeous gas fireplace to keep us snugly all night long , well sort of , but I will explain that later . Off we went for dinner and settled on a little pub called Benjamins . I had a scrumptious veggie sandwich made with fresh foccacia bread and The Husband had beef brisket . I wish I could say we sat holding hands and staring into each other 's eyes , but the reality is that The Husband watched a basketball game on one of the televisions and I doodled on the paper tablecloth with the crayons provided for bored adults that whine and squirm in their seats . One glitch at the B & B . The above room became a bit chilly overnight , given that our temps slumped down to the single digits and the only heat in our room was from the fireplace . This particular room was used as a kitchen , separate from the main house and later connected . I actually fePosted by Friday I went to my favorite garden center and bought our Christmas tree . This has always been one of the highlights of the season for me . Walking down all the paths surrounded on both sides by trees in all sorts of shapes and sizes , the Christmas music wafting through the air . I feel like I am in the proverbial winter wonderland . That day I stood examining a rather nice specimen when a tall young man in a red velvet cap trimmed with white fur came up to help . I gestured to the tree . " Oh , " he said . " Fir Elton John ? " I thought I hadn 't heard him correctly . I looked around a bit helplessly . Santa 's helper thought I was eyeing the tree across the path and darted over . " Spruce Springsteen ! " he declared . I noticed we seemed to be the only ones in the tree section and it made me a bit uncomfortable . I took two steps back into . . . " Douglas Firbanks , Jr ! " Santa 's elf was beaming from his seven foot head to his toes . I quickly settled on Fir Elton John and while the elf made himself busy writing up the ticket and tying up my purchase , I walked toward the beckoning warmth of the shop , and stopped on my way to look at the wonderful array of wreaths , already decorated with ribbons and pine cones . " And that would be Wreatha Franklin ! " a voice behind me said , pointing to the one I was holding . I didn 't have to turn around to know who it was . He was standing with my tree , wrapped in cording , the stem covered in burlap . It was then that I noticed the ears . Poking out from under his cap . . . they were baby pink and pointed . I gasped , but he didn 't seem to notice . I pointed out my car to him so that he could begin tying it to the roof while I went inside to pay . A few customers milled about and the employees , though wearing the red and white fur caps , looked decidedly normal . I did a quick check of their ears . Everything looked fine . When I got to the counter I said I had a ticket for Fir Elton John and Wreatha Franklin and the shop girl started laughing . I joined in . Then she repeated it to the girl at the next register and she startePosted by I am joining Joan at Anything Goes Here for Vintage Christmas Monday . This is a fun event that Joan is hosting every Monday through Christmas . You can visit all the girls participating by clicking on Joan 's button on my sidebar . Thank you , Joan for hosting this event ! ! These little angels are from The Vermont Country Store , which has a marvelous catalog and website that sells all things from the past . A lot of items like old fashioned sweets and confections , home and beauty products , and my favorite , old fashion flannel nightgowns for our cold Midwestern nights . Heaven ! I remember these little candles from when I was a little girl . My mother had them and I think she may have gotten them at Woolworth 's . She didn 't drive and the closest town was about 10 miles away . So we walked , my mother leading her six little ducklings to a corner along the highway where a bus would pick us up and take us to this town . I remember that besides Woolworth 's , there was a Sears where we bought our appliances , and a Fannie Mae , which was not on the itinerary . After shopping in Woolworth 's for things like socks , underwear and toiletries , we were rewarded for good behavior by having lunch , which was inevitably grilled cheese , or hot cocoa at the snack bar . I think of those days when I see my little angel candles . In fact , I ordered three more because the head broke off one of them . She is not looking too appealing headless . I also have these reproduction ornaments that are just like the ones hanging on my Dad 's tree now , only his are the real deal . Again , I remember examining all of the ornaments on the tree once it was up and just loving the glittery pictures and script . Weren 't the ornaments of our childhood just so fascinating ? I took these pictures last Christmas as alas , I have not even brought my boxes upstairs yet . And . . . I am going to do a thorough cleaning of the house before I do . We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with so many thing to be thankful for , but I had a lot of cleanup to do afterward . I got Abigail off to school yesterdaPosted by This will be a short post because I , like everyone else , am getting ready for Thanksgiving . I know some of you are much further along then me , but I 'm just trying to BE in the moment . I picked Abigail up from school on Friday . That was a great day in spite of the long drive . I get motion sleepiness really bad , and that 's okay if I am a passenger . Not so good if I am the driver . So I drove for over 2 hours with the radio blasting and the windows down . Thankfully it was an unseasonably warm day . She was so excited to see me and come home . So today we are off to buy the rest of our goodies for Thanksgiving dinner . We are having dinner here at home and then meeting up with the O ' Hara side of the family for dessert . It is going to be a wonderful day . I know every one has different holiday traditions . We have our dinner about 3 : 00 p . m . The men are usually watching football , Emily is helping me set the table and set everything out and Abby is sticking her fingers in all the food . I thought I would give you my menu since I know geographically we all have a different one . Maybe mine is the usual Midwestern fare , maybe it is based on what my mother had with a few little twists . . . 22 lb . turkey basted with butter and lemonHerb stuffing with sausageMashed potatoes with sour cream , cream cheese and gravySweet potatoes with butter and brown sugarCornBrussels sproutsCelery stuffed with cream cheese and green olivesCranberry sauceDinner rollsChocolate cherry cakeNow you know why we all take long naps after dinner ! We went to the lake this past weekend after missing 3 weekends in a row . Talk about withdrawal ! And above you will see the BIG thing I was talking about in one of my recent posts . I finally got my Hoosier cabinet ! ! After searching high and low , in Illinois , Indiana and Michigan , where did I find it ! Right here in a Chicago suburb ! I am so in love with it . The owner of the antique store said it was probably from the 30 's or 40 's and it has the original flour bin and sifter . I rubbed this baby down with furniture oil and pPosted by The weather has been cold and rainy and windy all week long . The sort of weather that makes you want to go to bed early and wear woolly socks all day long . It is not close to how cold it will get this winter , but sometimes the first couple of days or weeks are hard to get used to . In this kind of weather , my mood swings back and forth between " Do I want to stay inside , all warm and cozy , read a bit , watch a little television , bake or make a big dinner ? " to " I am losing my mind , I need to get out of this house , I don 't care if it is to go to the post office and look at Most Wanted posters . " Today was one of these days . I already feel the walls closing in , probably due to my ever enlarging bum . Why do we head for the refrigerator every time we are bored ? It is a known fact that people do it mostly during commercials on television , so obviously , when there is a break in the action , time to head for the fridge . I do it in the evening when I am lying on my bed reading . I get a little cramp in my side from my changing of positions or I reach the end of a chapter and I think , " Well , let 's go see what is happening in the kitchen / refrigerator . " ( same thing ) . This can go on all evening long and since I am a well known ' Night Eater ' , all it takes is a snore or shove from The Husband and I am wide awake , wondering what is going on in the refrigerator . The kids used do do it quite a bit when they were young , the boredom / looking in the fridge thing . I didn 't have the affliction back then , being quite skinny from chasing their little butts around all day . But it irritated me because I was in charge of the meals . So after the fifth time one of them would stand letting the cold air out , I 'd say , " Nothing has changed since the last four times you looked . " ( And they usually muttered , " That 's because we never have any good food . " ) So back to my specific boredom / foodie problem , I thought about putting a lidded jar in the refrigerator with little notes inside such as ' Clean me ! ' or ' Fold the laundry ! ' But those are more like commands . Posted by I was reading the November issue of Country Living when I came across a DIY project that , yes . . . even Blondie could do . As you know from last week 's post , Kathy of Kathy 's Cottage is hosting an event called Handmade Holidays . I 'm seriously not a crafty person , but I was able to participate last week and I was pleasantly surprised that everyone seemed to like it . ( I say that humbly ) . So , feeling ambitious , I decided to try this project over the weekend . As you can see , it is a table runner . For those of you reading this that can sew , please know that I have had a brand new sewing machine for several weeks and I haven 't yet figured out how to thread it . Visit Kathy and see the list of all the ladies participating in this event . Find all sorts of ideas for thrifty holiday crafts . And if I can do something simple , anyone can . This is a picture of the tablecloth in Country living . Unfortunately , I have a round dining table , so I decided to take the easy way out and make a runner . I think the ' easy ' part of this would have flown right out the window if I had had to hem a round tablecloth by hand . As of yet I have not learned how to use my new sewing machine , but my sister ~ in ~ law has promised to help me . If you would like to enlarge the picture from Country Living , click it on and you can skip my directions below . The project calls for a canvas drop cloth , grout tape and fabric paint . Off I went to our local hardware store and for some reason I asked the man for caulk tape . He searched and searched and had another man help him and I really had them scratching their heads for awhile . When they gave up the search and gave each other ' knowing ' glances , I meekly grabbed a roll of masking tape and the drop cloth . I then went to Hobby Lobby for the red fabric paint . When I got home I realized the drop cloth was about 1000 yards long . My table is 46 ' in diameter . So I now have enough fabric to make curtains for the whole house and reupholster all the furniture . You must wash and dry the drop cloth about three times to soften the fPosted by My blog is dedicated with much love to my late sister , Leslie , who lost her battle with cancer on November 27 , 2007 . I will always treasure precious memories of her in my heart . I miss her big smile , her laugh , great sense of humor and warmth . She was so creative and always encouraged the same from me . Leslie called me unique and I thank her for that , it made me move forward when I faltered . I think of her very , very often and miss her immensely . I hope I 'm making her proud . Follow by Email Hi ! My husband gave me the name Blondie a long time ago & it has stuck ! I am a Midwestern girl but I now live in a quiet & beautiful neighborhood on the South Side of Chicago . I adore my husband and four children , two boys , two girls . I enjoy gardening , reading , cooking , antiquing , decorating and needlework crafts . I love decorating in a cottage sort of style but it 's fun to mix it up a little ! . I currently work writing columns for two newspapers . I love creating essays about life in the city and country . And I 've enjoyed blogging about the same for 9 years ! We have a year round home in the country on a huge lake in Southwest Michigan where I am always busy renovating , decorating , cooking , entertaining & relaxing ! We also have a little place in the mountains of North Carolina . Life is good ! I hope you will follow along on my adventures !

I had a fun day at the fair yesterday . Walked quite a distance to get to the demo place carrying a lot of wool , some drop spindles , and a travel mug with a beverage ( it was HOT ! ) DH carried the wheel and more wool . I noticed as I was spinning that I do a lot of twisting as I spin . That must have a LITTLE health benefit , with all of the arm movement that happens ! LOLThe children were interested in treadling the wheel , not spinning itself . I brought my wheel that is almost indestructable just because of that . The other wheels LOOK like what people think a spinning wheel should look like , but they aren 't going to hold up to children . Um , there is also the small detail that I don 't know if I can fit them in our car ! LOL This one sits on the back seat , and can be fastened in with a seat belt . I spun up a rather heavy thread for each child that wanted one ( they got to choose the color from the different ones I had on hand ) and I made it into a bracelet for them . Some of the 4 - H kids were gratified that I had brought wool from their sheep ( from a previous year . ) One teenaged girl made about 5 feet of yarn , and seemed to enjoy it . She took my card , she may call for lessons . A college aged student and 3 adults also took my card . We 'll see . We then went shopping , and walked all over the store . DH needed clothes for the trip , of course where he needed to go was the very back of the store , then we needed something on the FAR side of the store ( and they didn 't have it . . . ) On to Barnes and Noble , one of my favorite stores . Upstairs , downstairs , left , right . More walking . New books . . . I walked more Thursday than since I broke that bone in my foot ! The foot was sore , but not horribly . We went to dinner , and I really thought I 'd gone WAY over in calories for the day . But when I input the information for dinner last night , combined with the rest of the day , I was just barely under my minimum ! I suppose if I 'd been able to eat the sauteed vegetables that came with my order I 'd have gone over . But after sending the meal back once becausPosted by It has been a frustrating few days for my knitting . The 3 generation afghan is struggling . I bought enough sock yarn at the Brown Sheep outlet ( seconds ) to make a small baby blanket . It needs to be crib sized . I am knitting 5 panels 6 1 / 2 inches wide , alternating the 2 colors every 6 1 / 2 inches . I have 2 1 / 2 panels knit . I ordered more yarn from another a web source , as Brown Sheep doesn 't do retail except at the outlet , and the color of the solid yarn is decidedly different . The first purple was a red purple , the new purple is a blue purple . I suppose that is why the first color was sold as a second ! The variegated is different as well , but not enough to be of a concern . I called Brown Sheep to see if they had more of the red - purple so I could order it via the same web source I 'd used before , but it has sold out . Part of the problem is that this is going to be knit by 3 generations for our new grandchild to be . My mom ( Great - grandma to be ) knit a square and Serena ( Aunt to be ) took over on that panel and is knitting the rest . So that yarn ( the original colors ) is not here , but many miles away . I 'm not going to ask them to frog what they 've done and start over . I can see three options , I 'm hoping someone else can see more or suggest which of my options is best . Option 1 : Continue as I 've begun , with the color difference and hope no one will notice . Chances of no one noticing pretty poor , I think , although DH didn 't notice a difference in the colors . I ran out of yarn in the middle of a panel , so one end of that panel would be red purple and the other blue purple . Option 2 : Frog the left and right panels ( as seen above ) but keep the center panel , which matches DD 's . Knit 3 others with a strand of the old color and a strand of the new one giving a slightly heathered look . Option 3 : Keep the center panel ( above ) to match DD 's with the old yarn and then 3 with the new yarn . I 'm still going to have to frog , as I don 't think there is enough yarn to finish DD 's panel . I 'm wondering if the contrast will be too great . Actually , fiberfanatic I really do not like knitting i - cord . I think part of the reason is that I can 't develop a rhythm . So it is a constant start / stop procedure , which isn 't fun . I look at patterns where the designer did lots of it ( Nicki Epstein comes to mind ) and wonder if she actually did it via a machine , whether a spool knitter or a big one . Not a problem , it doesn 't feel like cheating to me . I 'd do it if I had a machine that could take the yarn size . I hate it enough that my good blogless friend Dianne offered to knit some up on her machine , so I could avoid doing it . The package arrived in the mail today . It makes the Tomten sweater so much better ! It went from a very utilitarian toddler 's jacket to CUTE ! I 'll post pictures tomorrow . It is so cute , in fact , that I 'm considering knitting up pockets , edging them with the leftover i - cord and attaching them . Either I send off the yarn that was in the surplice sweater to Dianne for her to make i - cord for a tie for that sweater , or I 'm going to cast on the appropriate number of stitches for the length I need for it , knit 4 rows and bind off . I 've not decided . Perhaps a small swatch would be in order . I just know that if I try to knit an i - cord belt / tie , it won 't get done . I 'm not sure what has triggered asthma this time , but something has . Blech I 've nebbed 3 times today . I 've not done a gauge swatch on this Brown Sheep Superwash Worsted yarn . I KNOW that will bite me , but I 've not done it . Suddenly I realize that , based on other time I knit with Brown Sheep Superwash , this project could GROW ! At which point , it may be ridiculous . So , I 'm waffling . I think I 'll start a swatch tomorrow on another skein of yarn and see what transpires . After all , I don 't want to frog any more than I have to ! sigh This is the baby sweater I just finished . Isn 't the pattern darling ! I got it from Jimmy Beans Wool . It is the Presto Chango Sweater . I changed the pattern to a stockinette panel in front as opposed to the stitch pattern because it wouldn 't show up against the variegated yarn . I made it out of Brown Sheep Wildfoote in the Violet Garden colorway . I don 't see it on any website , so it may be either a new colorway or a trial run . I love the color and it won 't show baby mess , and since it is a sock yarn it can go in the washer and dryer . Since there are buttons on both sides , it can be for either a boy or a girl . ( edited 7 / 16 to change the photo ) I just changed the photo , as I figured out what caused the sweater to look so wonky in the photo I put up yesterday ( I shortened the left seam as I sewed it , and the top button on the left was mis - placed . ) A valuable reminder that when I think something is wrong , I should keep at it until I figure it out . I still may sew the right seam again , but at this point it is ready to go in the washer for the final step . I have 2 more sweaters to finish . they really don 't have that much more to do , hopefully I can finish soon ! Of course , I 've started another sweater . I 'm using the same pattern as above , just because I think it is so practical . I hate sewing on buttons , but the effect is neat . My Mom had a button box when we were growing up . It was , I believe , a red checked gift box that had held jams from Knotts Berry Farms . It was always a treat to dig through the buttons , some were plain , some were shiny , some had little bits of glass . We didn 't do it very often , but it is a fun memory . Somewhere along the way I started saving buttons too . Not too far into our married life , from the looks of the button jars ! I have 2 - 1 gallon jars to hold my buttons . It all started from sewing , then we bought 2 fruitcake tins of them at an auction , then Ivadell gave me a jar of them . . . It is almost a constant , however , that if I need buttons for a specific project , I don 't have what I need on hand . Now that the fabric store where I used to buy them is closed , the situation is even more dire . I spent some time yesterday going through buttons for the 3 baby sweaters I have nearly completed . In the process , it was a trip down memory lane . I found the leftover buttons from dresses for Serena , buttons that I purchased when she was tiny figuring I 'd have them on hand when I needed , buttons left over from projects I sewed for Howard , some of the buttons I recognized from the auction and Ivadell . I found buttons out of deer horn made several years before his death in 93 by my Uncle Myran . I went through the buttons and remembered . I remembered both kids going through the buttons . When I needed to keep them busy , I 'd ask them to string like buttons on thread . I had fun with all the memories . Today is our 34th Wedding Anniversary . In that time we 've moved 12 times ( a couple across town , but still a move ) , raised 2 children and lived in 7 states . It has been a roller coaster ride , full of ups and downs . Cheers Howard ! Here 's to many more ! What idiot decided on pastels for babies ? They spit , throw up and burp , and that is just on the TOP half . Guaranteed to mark whatever they are wearing , if the item is light colored . Wouldn 't it make more sense to dress them in dark colors ? Especially as , from what I 've read , they don 't perceive anything but highly contrasting colors at as this website says happens at first ? So we dress them in colors that they can 't see and that will stain almost as soon as they are put on . I don 't understand . It wasn 't that long ago that baby BOYS were dressed in pink because it was a derivative of red , a war - like color ( who wanted girls to be anything but dainty and biddable ? ) A fascinating website about this subject , Historical Boys Clothing . Okay , I admit that I did web research as I wrote this ! How else would I be able to back up what I say ! grin I find it interesting that white was historically easier to keep clean . But then , we no longer boil clothes to wash them ! Knitting patterns are almost always shown in pastels because they are easier to photograph , especially to show stitch definition ( I 've learned the hard way - - experience . ) Baby patterns also have the " cuteness " or " ahhh that 's sweet " factor in perceived to be traditional colors . I can understand why baby knitting patterns are almost always shown in pastels , but there is a part of me that wishes that they were shown in deeper colors . After all , new knitters and knitting muggles are going to want to knit / receive it exactly as shown . Unless it is something for a very special occasion , I 'd rather knit something for a baby in colors that don 't show the stain very well . Mon Tricot patterns had some really great patterns in more baby friendly colors . I don 't know if that was cultural , as the magazine came from France , and the patterns were translated into English for the U . S . version . Too bad the magazine folded . If anyone knows where my keys are THIS time , would they please let me know ? They seem to have taken a brief vacation . Again . Why is it that it was my credit card that was used to rent the car for the vacation , but the company keeps calling Howard for follow - up on the trip ? ( CC authorization and customer approval ) Photos of the family vacation didn 't turn out very well . Although I did find this one on my camera that is kind of fun of Serena ( wearing Howard 's hat ) and Nathan . I tried to take a shot of the current knitting , because I wanted to ask for button color suggestions . But the colors didn 't turn out well at all . I 'll try again in the sunlight . I may just have to go with silver buttons . Gold doesn 't feel right for these colors . When each of our children moved out for good , we sent along household goods to start their new life . You know , such important things as silverware , dishes and the like . Yesterday with the chocolate debacle , I looked carefully at the silverware drawer . My initial reaction was " what in the world ? " Because we have almost a complete set for 8 of one pattern , but only one knife and one fork in that pattern . The other set is an almost complete set of 4 . They are similar , but not alike . The question comes in , does one ( or both ) of my cherubs have the others in the first pattern and the rest in the second ? What did Nathan and Kim do with the silverware he had after their wedding ? How in the world can you lose 7 knives and 7 forks ? It is almost enough to want to send the whole kit and caboodle to the rummage sale and indulge in new silverware ! I 'd really prefer a matching set ! I 'm also contemplating new everyday dishes . We have 3 partial sets of Corelle dishes . Again , there is a touch of confusion here ! LOL Neither situation is a big deal , but it is a puzzle . I started a baby sweater today , for a friend of Serena 's who is going to have her second child soon . One of the two toddler sweaters I knit earlier will go to the big brother . I 'm waiting to see what kind of baby sweaters Kim likes before I start knitting for the grandtad . I 'm knittingPresto Chango from the Jimmy Beans Wool website . I 'm using a variegated Wildfoote from Brown Sheep , so I won 't be doing the pattern on the panel , but stockinette . The pattern would be lost in a dark variegated yarn , so what is the point ! A baby sweater in worsted weight ( 2 strands together ) won 't take a long time , and will be both wool and machine washable ! A plus for a baby in the Denver area ! Serena gave me a tin of cocoa from Costa Rica - - the brand is Cafe Britt . This morining I decided to indulge myself with some . Opened the tin for the first time , and was confronted with a shiny foil pouch ( I thought . ) Tried to shake it out to find the opening , nothing . While it was upside down , my finger punctured the foil . Cocoa EXPLOSION ! sigh Cocoa landed on the counter , in the silverware drawer , but little on the floor . Most of the flatware that had been in that drawer is now awaiting a run through the dishwasher . As are the trays that hold them . I was able to salvage most of the cocoa - - it seemed like more had landed everywhere than actually did . Luckily , a lot had landed in the mug that I had ready for my cocoa , so I was able to transfer it back into the tin . Such a lot of work for a mug of cocoa ! Finally my cocoa is ready , and I am sipping away at in , enjoying the rich flavor and warmth . I 'll definitely order from them , but in the future I 'll remember how to open the package ! All I can do is laugh about it . Saw the podiatrist today . He told us that the optimal time to pin a fracture is within the first 14 days . Since we are long past that point , I have to wait until the foot heals on its own , no matter how long that takes , then he will assess the repair to see if it needs to be re - broken and pinned . For the foreseeable future , I 'm in the boot . The baby afghan is almost half - way knit . I have 2 strips completed and ran out of yarn on the third . Serena has almost enough to make a 4th strip . I 've already called and ordered more yarn . Isn 't it funny how purchasing what you believe will be more than enough sometimes bites you in the behind ? I bought all of the original lovely yarn as seconds at an extremely good price . Now that I 'm home , I have to buy it at full price to finish the blanket . Snivel . I need another knitting project . I 'll have to decide whether to start the shell again or knit something else . The socks are in time - out - - again . I really wish I could pick them up and finish them , but it isn 't happening right now . I was going to start knitting baby hats for our friendly hospital , but I left that yarn at Serena 's . They insist the yarn be fingering weight , which is harder and harder to find . We couldn 't find it in the two stores in Ames we tried . I need to call around . Today has been one of THOSE days . All in all - - an off day . My foot isn 't healing , the socks keep slipping off the doublepoints and I had to frog the shell I was making for myself . sigh The shell was too large . I 'd avoided it for some time because I didn 't like the way I 'd done the waist shaping . I decided to put the stitches on waste yarn and try it on to see how it looked on me . Not quite the affect I was trying for ! So it is back to the component yarn . I see a specialist about the foot tomorrow . The doctor says it hasn 't made any improvement from 3 weeks ago . Are we having fun yet ? But , on a lighter note , the man who was at X - ray when I went in originally about my foot was there today . He remembered us because I had been spinning . He is the one who had a nice discussion with Howard ( while I was being X - rayed ) about my spinning and other fiber habits . Turns out he had broken a bone in his hand the day after I broke the bone in my foot . His break is healing nicely . I 'm happy for him ! First of all , Happy Birthday Mom ! We 've almost lost you a couple of times , I 'm delighted you are still around ! Glad we were all able to get together , laugh and enjoy each others ' company again ! A big THANK YOU to Howard . Since I witnessed the neighbor being beaten around Easter , I 've had trouble sleeping at night . I think a part of me has tried to stay awake in case it happened again , so I could call the police . This has NOT made for a good night 's sleep ! I slept well while we were in Colorado . Yesterday Howard moved our beds into what used to be the guest room . I slept so much better last night ! The baby blanket is growing . I 'm almost finished with the second strip . I also had to order more yarn . This is going to be larger than I 'd originally planned , so I 'm going to run out of yarn . Since I 'm making it in blocks , the dye lot shouldn 't make a difference . I 'm playing with the solid color squares , using going through my stitch pattern books and choosing ones that can be made with 30 stitches . Much more fun than solid stockinette squares . And the patterned ones seem to knit up faster than plain ones . Seems funny that I have to buy more yarn after buying so much at Brown Sheep . But . . . Such a hardship ! LOl Thursday Howard and I took off west . We went through western Iowa , then it was across Nebraska . Now Nebraska always feels as if it is taking such a long time to cross . I believe it is 368 miles or so on I - 80 . Not sure of the exact amount . Then I read in their state tourist booklet that it took the pioneers a MONTH to walk across the state ! Talk about taking a long time ! That put things somewhat in perspective for me . It still feels amazing that it takes almost the entire day to cross the state at today 's speeds ! We took a jog north , and stopped in Scottsbluff for the night . Arrived just in time for a thunderstorm - - which was very welcome in that drought - stricken area . The rain didn 't last long , but was pleasant . We 'd planned to swim , but there were many children in the pool , and I didn 't want to risk getting my foot banged . The next morning we headed for the Brown Sheep Yarn outlet . Whee ! So very much fun ! I was restrained , and still bought a lot of yarn . grin And a little bit of superwash roving , because I loved the colors . I 'll show pictures , if people really want to see my haul , but otherwise won 't . Finally I can share my news ! The Sunday before Mother 's Day Nathan and Kim announced that they will have a child in December . BUT , they wanted to wait to tell my family ( my parents and siblings ) until this weekend . I didn 't want to say anything that might reveal the information to them so have really restricted what I write , which has been difficult ! Friday night they handed my parents , sister and brother cards inviting them to celebrate with them and a tiny bracelet that says " BABY " . Among the things I bought at Brown Sheep , I bought yarn to knit a baby blanket . My mom is going to do one square and my daughter will finish that strip . I 'll do the rest of the blanket . I think it will be neat to do a 3 generation blanket . We 'll be making it from a Brown Sheep Wildfoote , a superwash wool / nylon sock yarn so it can be thrown in the washer and dryer as needed . We 'll knit with two strands so it will go faster . I handed Kim a Posted by

I had a fun day at the fair yesterday . Walked quite a distance to get to the demo place carrying a lot of wool , some drop spindles , and a travel mug with a beverage ( it was HOT ! ) DH carried the wheel and more wool . I noticed as I was spinning that I do a lot of twisting as I spin . That must have a LITTLE health benefit , with all of the arm movement that happens ! LOLThe children were interested in treadling the wheel , not spinning itself . I brought my wheel that is almost indestructable just because of that . The other wheels LOOK like what people think a spinning wheel should look like , but they aren 't going to hold up to children . Um , there is also the small detail that I don 't know if I can fit them in our car ! LOL This one sits on the back seat , and can be fastened in with a seat belt . I spun up a rather heavy thread for each child that wanted one ( they got to choose the color from the different ones I had on hand ) and I made it into a bracelet for them . Some of the 4 - H kids were gratified that I had brought wool from their sheep ( from a previous year . ) One teenaged girl made about 5 feet of yarn , and seemed to enjoy it . She took my card , she may call for lessons . A college aged student and 3 adults also took my card . We 'll see . We then went shopping , and walked all over the store . DH needed clothes for the trip , of course where he needed to go was the very back of the store , then we needed something on the FAR side of the store ( and they didn 't have it . . . ) On to Barnes and Noble , one of my favorite stores . Upstairs , downstairs , left , right . More walking . New books . . . I walked more Thursday than since I broke that bone in my foot ! The foot was sore , but not horribly . We went to dinner , and I really thought I 'd gone WAY over in calories for the day . But when I input the information for dinner last night , combined with the rest of the day , I was just barely under my minimum ! I suppose if I 'd been able to eat the sauteed vegetables that came with my order I 'd have gone over . But after sending the meal back once becausPosted by It has been a frustrating few days for my knitting . The 3 generation afghan is struggling . I bought enough sock yarn at the Brown Sheep outlet ( seconds ) to make a small baby blanket . It needs to be crib sized . I am knitting 5 panels 6 1 / 2 inches wide , alternating the 2 colors every 6 1 / 2 inches . I have 2 1 / 2 panels knit . I ordered more yarn from another a web source , as Brown Sheep doesn 't do retail except at the outlet , and the color of the solid yarn is decidedly different . The first purple was a red purple , the new purple is a blue purple . I suppose that is why the first color was sold as a second ! The variegated is different as well , but not enough to be of a concern . I called Brown Sheep to see if they had more of the red - purple so I could order it via the same web source I 'd used before , but it has sold out . Part of the problem is that this is going to be knit by 3 generations for our new grandchild to be . My mom ( Great - grandma to be ) knit a square and Serena ( Aunt to be ) took over on that panel and is knitting the rest . So that yarn ( the original colors ) is not here , but many miles away . I 'm not going to ask them to frog what they 've done and start over . I can see three options , I 'm hoping someone else can see more or suggest which of my options is best . Option 1 : Continue as I 've begun , with the color difference and hope no one will notice . Chances of no one noticing pretty poor , I think , although DH didn 't notice a difference in the colors . I ran out of yarn in the middle of a panel , so one end of that panel would be red purple and the other blue purple . Option 2 : Frog the left and right panels ( as seen above ) but keep the center panel , which matches DD 's . Knit 3 others with a strand of the old color and a strand of the new one giving a slightly heathered look . Option 3 : Keep the center panel ( above ) to match DD 's with the old yarn and then 3 with the new yarn . I 'm still going to have to frog , as I don 't think there is enough yarn to finish DD 's panel . I 'm wondering if the contrast will be too great . Actually , fiberfanatic I really do not like knitting i - cord . I think part of the reason is that I can 't develop a rhythm . So it is a constant start / stop procedure , which isn 't fun . I look at patterns where the designer did lots of it ( Nicki Epstein comes to mind ) and wonder if she actually did it via a machine , whether a spool knitter or a big one . Not a problem , it doesn 't feel like cheating to me . I 'd do it if I had a machine that could take the yarn size . I hate it enough that my good blogless friend Dianne offered to knit some up on her machine , so I could avoid doing it . The package arrived in the mail today . It makes the Tomten sweater so much better ! It went from a very utilitarian toddler 's jacket to CUTE ! I 'll post pictures tomorrow . It is so cute , in fact , that I 'm considering knitting up pockets , edging them with the leftover i - cord and attaching them . Either I send off the yarn that was in the surplice sweater to Dianne for her to make i - cord for a tie for that sweater , or I 'm going to cast on the appropriate number of stitches for the length I need for it , knit 4 rows and bind off . I 've not decided . Perhaps a small swatch would be in order . I just know that if I try to knit an i - cord belt / tie , it won 't get done . I 'm not sure what has triggered asthma this time , but something has . Blech I 've nebbed 3 times today . I 've not done a gauge swatch on this Brown Sheep Superwash Worsted yarn . I KNOW that will bite me , but I 've not done it . Suddenly I realize that , based on other time I knit with Brown Sheep Superwash , this project could GROW ! At which point , it may be ridiculous . So , I 'm waffling . I think I 'll start a swatch tomorrow on another skein of yarn and see what transpires . After all , I don 't want to frog any more than I have to ! sigh This is the baby sweater I just finished . Isn 't the pattern darling ! I got it from Jimmy Beans Wool . It is the Presto Chango Sweater . I changed the pattern to a stockinette panel in front as opposed to the stitch pattern because it wouldn 't show up against the variegated yarn . I made it out of Brown Sheep Wildfoote in the Violet Garden colorway . I don 't see it on any website , so it may be either a new colorway or a trial run . I love the color and it won 't show baby mess , and since it is a sock yarn it can go in the washer and dryer . Since there are buttons on both sides , it can be for either a boy or a girl . ( edited 7 / 16 to change the photo ) I just changed the photo , as I figured out what caused the sweater to look so wonky in the photo I put up yesterday ( I shortened the left seam as I sewed it , and the top button on the left was mis - placed . ) A valuable reminder that when I think something is wrong , I should keep at it until I figure it out . I still may sew the right seam again , but at this point it is ready to go in the washer for the final step . I have 2 more sweaters to finish . they really don 't have that much more to do , hopefully I can finish soon ! Of course , I 've started another sweater . I 'm using the same pattern as above , just because I think it is so practical . I hate sewing on buttons , but the effect is neat . My Mom had a button box when we were growing up . It was , I believe , a red checked gift box that had held jams from Knotts Berry Farms . It was always a treat to dig through the buttons , some were plain , some were shiny , some had little bits of glass . We didn 't do it very often , but it is a fun memory . Somewhere along the way I started saving buttons too . Not too far into our married life , from the looks of the button jars ! I have 2 - 1 gallon jars to hold my buttons . It all started from sewing , then we bought 2 fruitcake tins of them at an auction , then Ivadell gave me a jar of them . . . It is almost a constant , however , that if I need buttons for a specific project , I don 't have what I need on hand . Now that the fabric store where I used to buy them is closed , the situation is even more dire . I spent some time yesterday going through buttons for the 3 baby sweaters I have nearly completed . In the process , it was a trip down memory lane . I found the leftover buttons from dresses for Serena , buttons that I purchased when she was tiny figuring I 'd have them on hand when I needed , buttons left over from projects I sewed for Howard , some of the buttons I recognized from the auction and Ivadell . I found buttons out of deer horn made several years before his death in 93 by my Uncle Myran . I went through the buttons and remembered . I remembered both kids going through the buttons . When I needed to keep them busy , I 'd ask them to string like buttons on thread . I had fun with all the memories . Today is our 34th Wedding Anniversary . In that time we 've moved 12 times ( a couple across town , but still a move ) , raised 2 children and lived in 7 states . It has been a roller coaster ride , full of ups and downs . Cheers Howard ! Here 's to many more ! What idiot decided on pastels for babies ? They spit , throw up and burp , and that is just on the TOP half . Guaranteed to mark whatever they are wearing , if the item is light colored . Wouldn 't it make more sense to dress them in dark colors ? Especially as , from what I 've read , they don 't perceive anything but highly contrasting colors at as this website says happens at first ? So we dress them in colors that they can 't see and that will stain almost as soon as they are put on . I don 't understand . It wasn 't that long ago that baby BOYS were dressed in pink because it was a derivative of red , a war - like color ( who wanted girls to be anything but dainty and biddable ? ) A fascinating website about this subject , Historical Boys Clothing . Okay , I admit that I did web research as I wrote this ! How else would I be able to back up what I say ! grin I find it interesting that white was historically easier to keep clean . But then , we no longer boil clothes to wash them ! Knitting patterns are almost always shown in pastels because they are easier to photograph , especially to show stitch definition ( I 've learned the hard way - - experience . ) Baby patterns also have the " cuteness " or " ahhh that 's sweet " factor in perceived to be traditional colors . I can understand why baby knitting patterns are almost always shown in pastels , but there is a part of me that wishes that they were shown in deeper colors . After all , new knitters and knitting muggles are going to want to knit / receive it exactly as shown . Unless it is something for a very special occasion , I 'd rather knit something for a baby in colors that don 't show the stain very well . Mon Tricot patterns had some really great patterns in more baby friendly colors . I don 't know if that was cultural , as the magazine came from France , and the patterns were translated into English for the U . S . version . Too bad the magazine folded . If anyone knows where my keys are THIS time , would they please let me know ? They seem to have taken a brief vacation . Again . Why is it that it was my credit card that was used to rent the car for the vacation , but the company keeps calling Howard for follow - up on the trip ? ( CC authorization and customer approval ) Photos of the family vacation didn 't turn out very well . Although I did find this one on my camera that is kind of fun of Serena ( wearing Howard 's hat ) and Nathan . I tried to take a shot of the current knitting , because I wanted to ask for button color suggestions . But the colors didn 't turn out well at all . I 'll try again in the sunlight . I may just have to go with silver buttons . Gold doesn 't feel right for these colors . When each of our children moved out for good , we sent along household goods to start their new life . You know , such important things as silverware , dishes and the like . Yesterday with the chocolate debacle , I looked carefully at the silverware drawer . My initial reaction was " what in the world ? " Because we have almost a complete set for 8 of one pattern , but only one knife and one fork in that pattern . The other set is an almost complete set of 4 . They are similar , but not alike . The question comes in , does one ( or both ) of my cherubs have the others in the first pattern and the rest in the second ? What did Nathan and Kim do with the silverware he had after their wedding ? How in the world can you lose 7 knives and 7 forks ? It is almost enough to want to send the whole kit and caboodle to the rummage sale and indulge in new silverware ! I 'd really prefer a matching set ! I 'm also contemplating new everyday dishes . We have 3 partial sets of Corelle dishes . Again , there is a touch of confusion here ! LOL Neither situation is a big deal , but it is a puzzle . I started a baby sweater today , for a friend of Serena 's who is going to have her second child soon . One of the two toddler sweaters I knit earlier will go to the big brother . I 'm waiting to see what kind of baby sweaters Kim likes before I start knitting for the grandtad . I 'm knittingPresto Chango from the Jimmy Beans Wool website . I 'm using a variegated Wildfoote from Brown Sheep , so I won 't be doing the pattern on the panel , but stockinette . The pattern would be lost in a dark variegated yarn , so what is the point ! A baby sweater in worsted weight ( 2 strands together ) won 't take a long time , and will be both wool and machine washable ! A plus for a baby in the Denver area ! Serena gave me a tin of cocoa from Costa Rica - - the brand is Cafe Britt . This morining I decided to indulge myself with some . Opened the tin for the first time , and was confronted with a shiny foil pouch ( I thought . ) Tried to shake it out to find the opening , nothing . While it was upside down , my finger punctured the foil . Cocoa EXPLOSION ! sigh Cocoa landed on the counter , in the silverware drawer , but little on the floor . Most of the flatware that had been in that drawer is now awaiting a run through the dishwasher . As are the trays that hold them . I was able to salvage most of the cocoa - - it seemed like more had landed everywhere than actually did . Luckily , a lot had landed in the mug that I had ready for my cocoa , so I was able to transfer it back into the tin . Such a lot of work for a mug of cocoa ! Finally my cocoa is ready , and I am sipping away at in , enjoying the rich flavor and warmth . I 'll definitely order from them , but in the future I 'll remember how to open the package ! All I can do is laugh about it . Saw the podiatrist today . He told us that the optimal time to pin a fracture is within the first 14 days . Since we are long past that point , I have to wait until the foot heals on its own , no matter how long that takes , then he will assess the repair to see if it needs to be re - broken and pinned . For the foreseeable future , I 'm in the boot . The baby afghan is almost half - way knit . I have 2 strips completed and ran out of yarn on the third . Serena has almost enough to make a 4th strip . I 've already called and ordered more yarn . Isn 't it funny how purchasing what you believe will be more than enough sometimes bites you in the behind ? I bought all of the original lovely yarn as seconds at an extremely good price . Now that I 'm home , I have to buy it at full price to finish the blanket . Snivel . I need another knitting project . I 'll have to decide whether to start the shell again or knit something else . The socks are in time - out - - again . I really wish I could pick them up and finish them , but it isn 't happening right now . I was going to start knitting baby hats for our friendly hospital , but I left that yarn at Serena 's . They insist the yarn be fingering weight , which is harder and harder to find . We couldn 't find it in the two stores in Ames we tried . I need to call around . Today has been one of THOSE days . All in all - - an off day . My foot isn 't healing , the socks keep slipping off the doublepoints and I had to frog the shell I was making for myself . sigh The shell was too large . I 'd avoided it for some time because I didn 't like the way I 'd done the waist shaping . I decided to put the stitches on waste yarn and try it on to see how it looked on me . Not quite the affect I was trying for ! So it is back to the component yarn . I see a specialist about the foot tomorrow . The doctor says it hasn 't made any improvement from 3 weeks ago . Are we having fun yet ? But , on a lighter note , the man who was at X - ray when I went in originally about my foot was there today . He remembered us because I had been spinning . He is the one who had a nice discussion with Howard ( while I was being X - rayed ) about my spinning and other fiber habits . Turns out he had broken a bone in his hand the day after I broke the bone in my foot . His break is healing nicely . I 'm happy for him ! First of all , Happy Birthday Mom ! We 've almost lost you a couple of times , I 'm delighted you are still around ! Glad we were all able to get together , laugh and enjoy each others ' company again ! A big THANK YOU to Howard . Since I witnessed the neighbor being beaten around Easter , I 've had trouble sleeping at night . I think a part of me has tried to stay awake in case it happened again , so I could call the police . This has NOT made for a good night 's sleep ! I slept well while we were in Colorado . Yesterday Howard moved our beds into what used to be the guest room . I slept so much better last night ! The baby blanket is growing . I 'm almost finished with the second strip . I also had to order more yarn . This is going to be larger than I 'd originally planned , so I 'm going to run out of yarn . Since I 'm making it in blocks , the dye lot shouldn 't make a difference . I 'm playing with the solid color squares , using going through my stitch pattern books and choosing ones that can be made with 30 stitches . Much more fun than solid stockinette squares . And the patterned ones seem to knit up faster than plain ones . Seems funny that I have to buy more yarn after buying so much at Brown Sheep . But . . . Such a hardship ! LOl Thursday Howard and I took off west . We went through western Iowa , then it was across Nebraska . Now Nebraska always feels as if it is taking such a long time to cross . I believe it is 368 miles or so on I - 80 . Not sure of the exact amount . Then I read in their state tourist booklet that it took the pioneers a MONTH to walk across the state ! Talk about taking a long time ! That put things somewhat in perspective for me . It still feels amazing that it takes almost the entire day to cross the state at today 's speeds ! We took a jog north , and stopped in Scottsbluff for the night . Arrived just in time for a thunderstorm - - which was very welcome in that drought - stricken area . The rain didn 't last long , but was pleasant . We 'd planned to swim , but there were many children in the pool , and I didn 't want to risk getting my foot banged . The next morning we headed for the Brown Sheep Yarn outlet . Whee ! So very much fun ! I was restrained , and still bought a lot of yarn . grin And a little bit of superwash roving , because I loved the colors . I 'll show pictures , if people really want to see my haul , but otherwise won 't . Finally I can share my news ! The Sunday before Mother 's Day Nathan and Kim announced that they will have a child in December . BUT , they wanted to wait to tell my family ( my parents and siblings ) until this weekend . I didn 't want to say anything that might reveal the information to them so have really restricted what I write , which has been difficult ! Friday night they handed my parents , sister and brother cards inviting them to celebrate with them and a tiny bracelet that says " BABY " . Among the things I bought at Brown Sheep , I bought yarn to knit a baby blanket . My mom is going to do one square and my daughter will finish that strip . I 'll do the rest of the blanket . I think it will be neat to do a 3 generation blanket . We 'll be making it from a Brown Sheep Wildfoote , a superwash wool / nylon sock yarn so it can be thrown in the washer and dryer as needed . We 'll knit with two strands so it will go faster . I handed Kim a Posted by

After an epic battle between Erica and the concrete walls ( which left both parties crumbling , ) our pictures are hung ! With everything in it 's place it is time for me to show you around our place . So welcome to our wonderful home in Seoul , Korea ! Our neighborhood : This is the view from one end of our apartment . The hotel in the background is the nicest in Seoul and has awesome fireworks displays at new years . If you could pan below you would see the " upper playground . " Our Room : My mother made the quilt , Dave Brandes took most of the photos of our wedding . Both remind me of great things God has done for me , and both remind me of people I love . Dining Room : Although the furniture is all army loan , this room is full of reminders . There 's a keyboard that reminds us of dear Tia Nessa , a frame off the left margin that reminds us of her sweet parents , and off to the right a bookcase full of memories of varies people and times in our lives . Here Kylie is making puppets using supplies from our home school closet in the back . Kitchen / Laundry Room : My last GA candle from Jenny Brown sits up on the self waiting for a really , really homesick day ! The mason jars Joanne Brandes gave me from the family farm serve many purposes but right now they store beans and the family chore lottery . ( Also , see the wine glasses Kenny won hula hooping ? I will repeat that : " Kenny won HULA HOOPING ! " I was really surprised by the space and sunshine in our concrete box in the sky . I honestly love this little home - it feels cool and sunny and quiet . In the decor you can find reminders of Germany , Korea , Texas , and Georgia , of our families and our dear friends , and of the times God has brought us through to show us Himself . In the old testament God told his people to gather stones of remembrance - physical reminders they could point to to remind themselves and teach their children what God had done . Moving to Korea helped us strip down a lot of the extra stuff in our house and of what remains almost every piece reminds us of a person who loves us or a work God has done for us . With such decor dusting the house has become a cause for praise ! Really , I love our house , and I hope that it is always a showcase for God greatness . God I hate this ! I stink at parenting . Look at her across the pool deck . She 's about my age but she 's still bikini thin and pretty , and she 's laying out reading a book ! I don 't even have my bathing suit on because the short people who run my life wouldn 't give me the time to change ! I want to do something I 'm good at and be praised . I want to be in charge of my own time and not feel like screaming or crying 50 % of the time . I don 't want to do this ! Verse 1 - 2 " After this the Lord appointed seventy - two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was about to go . He told them ' the harvest is plentiful , but the workers are few . Ask the Lord of the harvest therefore , to send out workers into his harvest field . ' " Verse 21 - 23 " At that time Jesus , full of joy through the Holy Spirit , said , ' I praise you , Father , Lord of heaven and earth , because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned , and revealed them to the little children . Yes , Father , for this was for your good pleasure . All things have been committed to me by my father . No one knows who the Son is except the Father , and no one knows who the Father is except the Son , and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him . ' Then he turned to His disciples and said privately , ' Blessed are the eyes that see what you see . For I tell you that many prophets and kings wanted to see what you see but did not see it , and to hear what you hear but did not hear it . ' " Verse 25 - 27 " On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus . ' Teacher , ' he asked , ' what must I do to inherit eternal life ? ' ' What is written in the Law ? ' He replied . ' How do you read it ? ' he answered ' Love the Lord your God with all your with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself . " Verse 30 - 37 " In reply Jesus said : ' A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho , when he fell into the hands of robbers . they stripped him of his clothes , beat him and went away leaving him half dead . A priest happened to be going down the same road , and when he saw the man , he passed by on the other side . So too , a Levite , when he came to the place and saw him passed by on the other side . But a Samaritan , as he traveled , came where the man was ; and when he saw him , he took pity on him . he went to him and bandaged his wounds , pouring on oil and wine . Then he put the man on his own donkey , took him to an inn and took care of him . The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper . ' Look after him , ' he said , ' and when I return , I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have . Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers ? ' The expert in the law replied , ' The one who had mercy on him . ' Jesus told him , ' Go and do likewise . ' " Verse 38 - 42 " As Jesus and his disciples were on their way , he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him . She has a sister called Mary , who sat at the Lord 's feet listening to what he said . But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made . She came to him and asked ' Lord , don 't you care my sister has left me to do the work all by myself ? Tell her to help me ! ' ' Martha , Martha , ' the Lord answered , ' You are worried and upset about many things , but only one thing is needed . Mary has chosen what is better , and it will not be taken away from her . ' " " Grace , grace , God 's grace … " Blending a family of five kids can sometimes feel like a train wreck . Being perfectly honest and just letting what 's in my head fall into the paper today I have to admit that I fall apart over our attempts to bring our family together . Even as I am sitting here there are things happening that are making my skin crawl , and Satan is just outside the door with a big bucketful of despair waiting for the chance to douse my heart . A kindergartener throws a temper tantrum . Elementary schoolers bicker , make messes , and cause more noise that our apartment can contain . A highschooler stirs up strife . Kenny and I have to stay up to 1 am in order to have a private conversation and stay in touch . All the parenting advice in the world , all the self - admonition to be patient , to control my temper , all the structure and family policies - nothing can make me strong enough for this job ! I can 't get myself under control , much less my household - it 's a mess ! " Grace , grace , God 's grace . " At a moment of blood boiling , will - this - ever - get - better - ness , I suddenly remembered that line . " Grace , grace , God 's grace , grace that is greater than all my sin . " Take out sin and plug in " family " or " kid 's foolishness , " or whatever in that moment is stopping me from resting - resting in the finished work of Christ on the cross . My five year old just fell on the floor in a temper tantrum in the middle of the crowded subway station . God has a plan to redeem her heart from her sinful nature just like He did mine . I don 't need to panic . My six year old just spoke words he never should have heard . My God is still bigger . My eight year old has a heart ache because of the unkindness of a sibling he admires , God knows this . He is in control of my baby boy 's life and will work all things into the fabric of Their relationship . We only have two months before our nine year old leaves us again - it doesn 't make it hurt less , but God is with her . Our teenager spews forth all the foolishness of youFamily Trip to I ' Park Mall Kenny loves malls ; can 't you tell ? In the fall of the year David and I sat down at our dining room table in Georgia and I laid a copy of Sigfried Engleman 's Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons on the table between us . " David , it 's time for you to learn to read . Are you ready ? " Boy , was he ready . David had been determined , since he was four , to learn to read . His brother , whom he idolizes , read late into the night every night , using the special flashlight he had earned on completing his 100 Easy lessons and David , laying on the bunk below , couldn 't wait to bask in the glow of reading . For ten months David read almost every day . He would start reading on the floor , book spread in front of him , then half way through he would groan , and put his hands on his back , leaning back like a little old man , and say " Oh , my back ! " Then we would move to an easy chair , with him curled up on my lap while I held the book . David learned to be careful tracking as the text shrunk and the lines grew closer together . He learned the special sounds made by the various blends and , his favorite , he learned about quotation marks : " now we 're going to find out what he said ! " Reading didn 't come with remarkable ease for David . Sometimes we took breaks from the 100 Easy Lessons , which David insisted we needed to change to " 100 Hard Lessons , " and read other things until he was ready to go on , but through it all David was the most determined young reader I have ever seen . He didn 't complain , he didn 't put his head down and give up , he just kept reading - sounding out , back tracking , and completely making things up when he got too lost . We finished the school year at the end of May and he still had a dozen lessons left to go , so he just kept reading . Finally , on Friday , David finished his 100th lesson ! " This is the last end , " he read , as we all sat around our table in our dining room in Seoul , Korea . The family cheered as Kenny turned off the video camera and we presented David with the gifts that have become a tradition for this first rite1 Comment On Memorial Day our chapel sponsored a family trip to a local amusement park . The chapel paid for our tickets , chartered three buses , and acquired two boxes of the park 's complimentary rain ponchos when our group began to be anointed by liquid sunshine . So , just after the gates opened we joined a flood of rain coat clad Koreans pouring past costumed greeters into Everland Amusement Park . We found ourselves in a picture perfect town square with fountains and roses everywhere beckoning us further into the park where promises of unknown entertainments a waited . Except that , for me , they weren 't unknown . And while other moms posed their kids for pictures in front of the gate or hunted for English language maps of the park , I was suddenly ten years old again . Twenty years ago , when I was in elementary school , my family lived an hour or so south of Seoul on Osan Air Force Base . Whenever my dad had a day off we used to drive into Seoul and spend the day running around an amusement park called Yongin Farm Land . Since the Koreans usually were still in school we would run from ride to ride without waiting in a single line . It was like having our own private amusement park and I used to imagine that I was a princess and all the rides and gardens and restaurants were just part of my palace grounds . I can distinctly remember every ride , every character , and all the seasons of the rose garden . Now , twenty years later , standing in the entrance of Everland Amusement Park it was like I had stepped back into those memories . Everland Amusement Park was Yongin Farmland , grown up a little and renamed ( kind of like me , ) but still my amusement park where I had reigned supreme for so many days as a child . Many things were different . In fact , to be totally honest , I wasn 't even sure my recognition was legitimate until I did some research , but some things were shockingly the same . Even , frighteningly the same , ( shouldn 't they have retired those roller coasters and gotten new ones in the 20 years since I had last visited ? ) But there as a carousel , and I remember how my mom used to ride every time , holding onto the pole and smiling like a kid . Even if we kids didn 't want to we had to ride the carousel for mom because , like the Haagen - Dazs ice - cream that you couldn 't get anywhere else , it was something about Yongin Farmland that made her smile . Now it made me smile as my 8 year - old pretended to be terrified of the " intense " ride . Truth be told , I may have taken nostalgia a little too far . Near the end of the park we came across the Amazon River ride , one that I loved as a child , and which looked just like I remembered it . My eyes grew big looking at the entrance and remembering floating down the rapids on the big green rafts under the waterfalls and cheesy head - hunter décor , but Kenny looked at the ride with a little more trepidation . " I don 't really want to get soaked . " After all , it was raining and not at all warm , but … I cajoled . " Look at the people getting off the ride , none of them are wet ! " So we rode . And I was right . Twenty minutes later when we exited the ride everyone walking with us was dry . Everyone who had ridden in our raft with us was dry , but Kenny and I … were soaked . It really was unreasonable . We were sitting on complete opposite sides of the raft . What are the chances that we would both just happen to be in the paths of two separate waves that zeroed in on our position with the accuracy of a homing signal and didn 't so much as spash anyone else around us . I think someone was listening to our conversation before hand and thought it would be fun to aim the water directly at those silly Americans . So , we spent the rest of the afternoon dripping all over the park . We literally left puddles whenever we walked through a building and the Koreans we passed all caught our eyes and laughed . We were especially amusing because we were two sopping adults escorted by three responsibly dry kids . When it was time to go home I curled up on the bus seat in a sleepy , damp heat , with my head on my long - suffering husband 's sodden shoulder and watched the signs featuring Yongin and Farmy , the same characters that used to grace the park in my childhood , fade behind us . I felt that , in more than one way , Everland had made me a kid again just for the day and if I was a princess again , riding away from my childhood palace , I suppose that made Kenny my prince . The thought made me laugh - because I knew how much he would be embarrassed by the sentiment and with a smile on my lips I closed my eyes for my ride back home . 3 . On the subject of food , be warned , while you will smell funnel cakes all over the park they are not , I repeat , not actually sold here . So don 't get your hopes up and go wandering around searching desperately for them . ( Not that I have ever done that . ) Oh , and the pretzels are filled with cream cheese . Yeah , weird . 8 . If it begins to rain unexpectedly ask for the complimentary rain ponchos at the front gate . Unfortunately , while the keep you drier , you will have to remove them for every ride , and , as David discovered , they won 't add height to help you qualify for the big kid rides .

We have been having internet issues all week which is a continuation from last week . We finally had a technician here yesterday and it quit working an hour after he left which meant I had to get on the phone again at 9 p . m . and then have another technician here today . And they were going to show up any time between 9 : 00 a . m . and 5 : 00 p . m . Yeah , seriously . Ugh . We were planning on going to the zoo for a MOPS get together so I risked it and went and sure enough they called while we were there . Fortunately we were getting ready to leave anyway and we barely beat them to the house . Also , this morning I woke up after a fitful night of sleep and realized I was really hot . Justin was gone overnight for work so if he would have been home he would have probably lost his mind in the night . I have a higher tolerance for heat than he does ! Anyway , after I noticed the thermostat said 77 degrees I opened the patio door and hear the AC box making a strange humming sound . I looked at it and noticed the blades weren 't spinning and it was very hot when I touched it . Justin told me over the phone to turn it off and when the HVAC man came later he found this : One of the fan blades was bent and cracked ! Fortunately , the motor did not burn out . So we have had service people here for the last few days and they have been able to see the shambles the house is in because I have spent all my time fighting with the Internet all week . I know the guy who was here today doesn 't have kids and he 's probably afraid to have them after seeing this fiasco ! He came to the patio door to talk to me and Milo was sprawled out on the hard kitchen floor right under his feet rolling in a pile of cheerio crumbs . That is not how I imagined daily life with a baby back in my younger years but its the reality ! So , in the last two weeks we have had a broken washing machine , air conditioner and Internet . These issues are so time consuming ! First world problems , but annoying still . A few fun things we have managed to fit in . . . like I said we were at the zoo this morning . We have gone there enough that the kids have their favorite animals to see nd then we play on the playground . Ben likes the otters and Tessa likes the monkeys . Of course we had to see the bears and the big cats too . There was lots of whining over wanting a train ride but I didn 't want to be trapped on the train if the Internet company called . I would have had to make a leap and bolt for the parking lot and we probably would get banned from the zoo . This is the only zoo picture I took . Over the weekend we met the kids ' new cousin Gus also known as Gustav Carl . He is my brother 's new baby . He 's so tiny ! Ben is still talking about him . Alright , now I 'm caught up on my " Interneting " and have calmed down after two days of upheaval and irritation so now I can think about getting the house in order ( yeah right ) and getting something decent ready for supper ( yeah right ) so I can watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix tonight ( yeah right ) . There have been Olympic trials on TV every night so at least that has been a good thing about this week . You may not hear from me until after the 4th of July . I know , dry your tears . Posted by I am getting behind on our " doings " . This week our Internet has not been working . We have called the company , unplugged the modem and router many times , and called to have it reset over the phone . It didn 't work all day yesterday until around 10 : 00 p . m . It worked right away this morning and then didn 't for several hours . So who knows if I will even finish this post ! Also , our washing machine broke over the weekend and we had to order a new part so Justin could try to fix it . He did indeed fix it so since last night I have been doing laundry nonstop . This included a load of drenched towels that we used to soak water up that leaked all over the floor . So , this post is going to be a rushed assortment of things . Last weekend Ben went fishing with Justin for the first time . They stayed at our friends house at Devil 's Lake overnight . I hear he was a good boy on the boat although he got kind of bored after several hours . As would I , Ben , as would I . The exciting part was that he caught some fish on his own with his " Lightening McQueen " fishing pole that he got for his birthday . This week he started t - ball . This is t - ball offered through the YMCA so it is not quite the same as the t - ball I knew as a kid ( I didn 't play when I was of t - ball age . . . my family didn 't live in America . . . ) which is the start of the continuum of baseball and softball that is American Legion sponsored . I think kids have to have at least finished Kindergarten for that . It seems that my classmates were still playing Little League in 6th grade so I would guess that " real " t - ball wouldn 't start until age 5 or 6 at least . This Y league is coached by unpaid volunteers which is dads still in their work clothes ( it 's in the evening ) for Ben 's team which is the last names A - E team . There are three and four year olds on the team which means Ben actually seems mature and well behaved . I 'm not bashing . . . last year he did a four session t - ball sampler program and he was only three in a group of three , four and five year olds and the difference between three and Don 't worry , I caught Ben trying to lift Milo into the cart and helped him safely put him in there . It didn 't look very comfortable but he didn 't seem to care . . . Milo is eight months old and I will readily admit that he doesn 't get much action in front of a non - phone camera . We haven 't had his photos taken by a professional since his newborn pictures and weeks go by without my nice camera leaving its bag . It 's just too dangerous for that thing to be sitting out around this house . For some reason I got the idea in my head to take some nice pictures of the kids on Sunday . I recently saw on the news that " Americana " and patriotic stuff is all the rage this summer because of the election and the Olympics and the store displays are all red , white and blue so I decided to dress them in those colors and we went to the park across the street from our house for a different scene . It is a park that lays low with hills surrounding it so it has lots of mountain biking paths and it also has a theater stage which is busy most summer weekend nights with shows and sometimes weddings . There is no playground so we don 't go there very often but that was good for taking pictures . . . no distractions . Well , it turns out the bike trails veer into the trees , creating magical tunnels not compatible with a stroller or a baby . Of course they were very enticing . I have many memories of such trails from Turtle River State Park , bible camp , the " ranch " property near my hometown which hosted many outdoor adventure days at school and our family camping trips way back in my younger years . After dragging two children out of the " tree tunnels " and promising we could come back without Milo one day we tried to arrange them in the grass . Of course , it did not go as planned . The outtakes are bad . . . so , so bad . . . here are a few just to give you an idea . Yeah , great . Nice work , children . I was able to get a few of Milo at least , and after some amateur editing to brighten them I think they capture his eight month old cuteness . I like this one because you can see the curls above his ears ! There was a gazebo and apparently farther in the park there is a cute bridge but the kids ' behavior was too wild so we gave up . I guess kids don 't need a fancy playground to enjoy a park . Posted by After our mediocre pumpkin crop last year we are determined to do it right this year . Last year there was a long dry spell in June and July that went on for at least six weeks in my memory and it could have been longer . We couldn 't do anything about that but what we could have helped was the weed situation . We had planted by hand and the only option was to weed by hand which we didn 't get to until it was too late . . . wayyyyy too late . The weeds were waist high and it was hard to even find the poor deprived pumpkin plants . Some were nothing but long vines trying to climb the weeds to get to the sun . This year we planted at a width that could be cultivated . Justin created this cultivator to be used the same way the planter was used . Much better than trying to stay on top of the weeds . See all thosse tiny green sprouts ? In a few weeks those would have been knee high . A quick pass up and down the rows took care of most of them . Except . . . for the actual rows . You can see in the pictures that there is still a solid spread of green in the rows between the plants . Upon seeing the green I decided this was going to be DONE RIGHT , DAMMIT ! and I spent about four hours last weekend with a hoe . And after I hoed I crouched down and pulled the tiny new weeds from around the stems of the plants . Hoeing and weeding is tedious but also so rewarding . I don 't have a picture because I didn 't have my phone when I was hoeing but they look so good and clean ! This pumpkin patch is going to blow last year 's away ! When we returned home we has to address our garden , which was already being overtaken by the demon weed purslane and it 's diabolical tap roots . This is a stock photo but imagine these spread thick between three rows of tiny little carrot sprouts . Justin raked the spaces and took care of the onion rows and I sat on the ground and weeded hundreds of purslane from the carrot rows . Between the pumpkins and the garden my pointer finger that gripped the weeds is still discolored with dirt in the way of a true working person . You would normMaren Last week " the carnival " was in town . This refers to a fair that is smaller than a state fair but larger than a school type carnival . It comes here every summer for a week and the two surrounding weekends . It is fun for the younger kids and also pretty filthy ! Lucky for my kids , I 'm not a germophobe ! Ben had bible school every night last week so we weren 't sure if we could fit this in too but on Wednesday Justin came home early and we risked overstimulation and chaos by fitting two big activities into one evening and even ate at a restaurant in between ! Whoa whoa whoa ! Last year the " Lightening McQueen " ride was broken but this year it was operational again . Yessss ! Ben is well above the 36 inch standard for riding alone on the little kid rides . Tessa is right below it . Fortunately , the workers at this carnival had no problem letting her confidently climb on the rides and , although they were supposed to take tickets for a parent rider they let me on every time I needed to ride with her . Call them whatever you want but I appreciated that ! Tessa loved the " horseys " . I left my dignity at the gate ! Hopefully when they are older the kids will enjoy going on the " real " rides that really toss you around . I enjoy wild rollercoasters and spinning rides so maybe we can have a fun weekend at Valley Fair or the nearest Six Flags which is not very near at all ! Oh , and Ben fell asleep on the way to bible school . I had to haul his limp body inside to the church bathroom to wash his filthy carnival hands . Fortunately , he perked up quick . Something has to give when you have fun outings with kids ! I bought two new chair cushions at Wal - Mart . We only need two because our other chairs are taken up by booster seats . Milo 's high chair is on a folding chair . Yes , we are now " one of those families " who doesn 't fit into the perfect family of four standard encouraged and glorified by society Oh well . Justin and I aren 't the only one enjoying the new plush cushions . I should have bought a third for the floor so we wouldn 't have to fight over our chairs with a cat . Ben has decided he is now big enough to carry Milo around . One afternoon I was absorbed in doing dishes ( Yes , I was absorbed in dishes . . . is this really my life ? ) and suddenly I perked up when I heard " I got Milo up ! " jumping out from his endless chatter . This alarmed me and I discovered that Ben had lifted Milo up onto the couch . He was so proud . He said , " I 'm very very powerful ! " Milo seemed happy about it all but now I have to monitor their time together . At least he is four instead of two like he was when he decided he could carry Tessa round . We recently obtained this little table and chair set which was built for Justin and his sister in 1987 by their godfather . It is a finely built set of furniture but I wasn 't sure what exactly we would do with it seeing as we have no room for anything . Well , it turns out all I had to do was put away a bunch of junk and where that junk was piled is a perfect spot for it ! I had to share this picture of Milo because it shows how big he is getting . I 've never had chubby babies so those thighs of his , although not chubby on the continuum of baby thighs , look so cute to me ! Posted by I grew up attending a traditional Lutheran church . There was nothing " contemporary " about it . There were no big screens or power point slides and with a few " special music " exceptions the music was played on a pipe organ and the songs came from hymnals . Eventually there was a contemporary service one day each month but I thought it seemed pretty weird . Even with this traditional outlook , the church was still filled with kids who fidgeted , spilled cheerios , wrinkled candy and gum wrappers and doodled on the bulletins . Confirmation aged kids took sermon notes and acted up in the balcony and took turns lighting the candles . High school kids remained oblivious to the older congregation members ' glares and whispers over whatever inappropriate church attire they were wearing ( jeans ! T - shirts ! Skirts without nylons ! The primary and secondary Sunday school groups each had a Sunday most months to " sing in church " which I really loathed but which the primary kids mostly loved . I think everyone who had to listen to it loathed the secondary kids singing too . Pre - pubescent 4th - 7th graders generally don 't have the " cute " going for them in these situations . Through the whole school year church and Sunday school and the corresponding holiday festivities were part of the routine . My mom taught and my dad was on Church Council for awhile and my grandma was a choir singer , quilter , and had a hand in all things Ladies Aid . That old building is as familiar to me as my house , from the hidden ladder behind the organ pipes that leads to the bell to the strange basement storage rooms . Every summer , when kids ' attendance at church dwindled without the motivation of getting to Sunday School first , there was one week where it came alive again . It was a week I always enjoyed as a kid and later as a teenage volunteer . Vacation Bible school ! Oh , VBS , with it 's fun themes and uncharacteristic decorations and sophisticated crafts and delicious snacks . And we even played games on the lawn of the church ! It was such a riot and was made even betterThe theme and logo could easily be traded with the themes I remember from the 1990 's . The good old Augsburg Fortress Publishing House knows to keep a good thing going . We found an old t - shirt from bible school in the early 1990 's in my parents ' attic last fall when we were cleaning . The theme that year was something having to do with a Kingdom and it was a black outline printed on a white shirt and one of the crafts was to color it with paint ! Puffy paint ! Now that is SO 90 's ! What 's even more 90 's is that everyone wore them around in public that summer . As far as I can tell , Ben has enjoyed VBS and seeing his friend every night and I haven 't heard any behavior reports so it must be going well . I guess this means we have to commit to a church and get him in Sunday School in the fall which means my long span of church attendance slacking will have to end . Posted by Today is Allan 's birthday . He is seven years old and on the day he was born I didn 't know of his existence yet . He was born to a stray who had been taken in to the Humane Society and he had three siblings . I think there were two brothers and a sister . The sister was orange like him and one brother was black and they were both already adopted . He shared a cage with another orange brother who Justin didn 't take and we still wonder if we should have sometimes . I hope that , wherever he is , he has a good home like Allan and that his family remembers his birthday ! I was so excited this afternoon because I caught a picture of his " tiger face " . Every once and a while he holds his mouth partially open and it makes him look like a tiger . Fortunately , since his first birthday in 2010 , new technology has been developed so I can just draw a birthday hat on his head instead of this nonsense : I was looking through my picture folders to find some cute old pictures of him . Wow , did I take a lot of pictures of him before the children came along . He was so little ! Now he could suffocate that duck with his fat body . This was one of his first days with us . Here he is laying on my rotary mat I use for quilting . He could easily have been an amputee if he had kept that up . It 's hard to believe he is seven . Seven is the low age on senior citizen cat food . I guess he is a senior cat now . I hope we have many more years with him ! On Friday afternoon after we had left town for Memorial weekend , I saw an email from Ben 's teacher that we forgot his present . I had no idea there was a present the kids were supposed to take home and I didn 't remember seeing other kids with one but I went and picked it up yesterday . The gift was a book with a note from the teachers inside and there was also a collection of drawings the kids did every month . They were told to draw themselves and the drawings really show their development as the months passed . I saw these up until March at the parent - teacher conference and they are quite fascinating . This one below was the first week of school . I didn 't rotate the picture but as you can see it is an incoherent collection of scribbles . After just one month he was drawing a body and a face with eyes and a mouth . Is it a boy or a robot ? By March was writing his own name and drawing hair , ears and fingers . And here is the final drawing from May . . . It really is amazing how fast a child 's brain can change . I 'm not saying this is advanced or anything because I have no idea what the other kids ' pictures looked like and many of them probably looked better since some of them are five and going to Kindergarten next year . The comparison between Ben 's first and last drawing is really impressive to me though . He even has the grass and the sun in the drawing ! I hope I can be motivated to have him keep practicing this over the summer ! Hola . . . I started this blog after my husband and I purchased our first house in August 2009 . We were encouraged , as were many of our friends and relatives , to purchase a house by the first time homebuyer tax credit . The purpose of the blog was originally to keep people informed about our various projects and adventures including the fun ( decorating ! ) and the challenging ( snow removal , garden disasters ) . I often stray from the topic of houses and homeownership and write about our weekend activities , our cat , our families , TV shows , sports , clothes , sewing , and whatever I feel like ! Occasionally I write about other first time homebuyers and their projects . Enjoy !

Well , well , well . Not only is it the Eve of NaNoWriMo , the GDR summary day for October and the start of my favourite month of the year , but it is Halloween as well . Although autumn begins in October , it isn 't until we get to the depths of it that I really enjoy it . In October the late summer evenings are still fresh enough in the back of the mind to make it too far from autumn . November brings us on the verge of winter , and the dark nights , some calm with silvery moon , others stormy with high winds and rain fresh in from the North Sea . I like the dark mornings . Walking to work in the pitch black with only the early birds and the odd fox as company . The dark nights , when accompanied by a clear sky and bright moon , take me back to when I lived with my parents and would be studying for my exams . I would sit at my desk studying , listening to a tape with Pink Floyd 's The Wall on one side , and Yello 's Stella album on the other . The tape would repeat time and time again until the lyrics and tunes became synonymous with that period of my life . If I looked to the right I could see out my bedroom window , at the frozen fields and golf course , the leather works and the hill behind . Between the hill and the next house I could see the shimmering lights of Johnstone and Linwood , and beyond that Paisley . There is one image that brings all of these memories together : I gave my Slick synopsis one more run through today , but there was not much else I can do to it . I am so totally charged from this , and part of the energy comes from knowing I have prepared properly for it and done my research . Rankin told me ; " you can never do enough research . and when you have , be prepared to only only use 5 % - but you must do it . Even if it takes a week to understand something and it results in only a single sentence , it 's still worth it . " I further narrowed down my selections for the cover to Poolside Poetry during the evening to try and take my mind off NaNo . I was just getting too excited and annoying everyone with my jabbering . I 'm having trouble se | 0 comments I never made it up in time for a 5am start . The house was so cold I lay there in mid - conscious , thinking there was no way I could manage to get up without chilling my bones . Solution - change the timer on the central heating so it 's easier to get out of bed . Done . I left the house in daylight , which felt weird . All last week it was night time when I was leaving the house , now with a later start , it 's daylight again . It was very overcast with a chilly wind . Not very nice but there you go . I like it to be dark and calm . Rain is good too . With only two days to go until the big NaNoWriMo kick - off , I 'm wondering when exactly I should begin the marathon . Midnight on Tuesday night , or 5am on Wednesday morning . Both is out of the question - I would be dead within the week . I think I may start at 5am on Wednesday . I can get to my bed early the night before and rise at five . Get ready for work and put pen to paper for the first few words of Slick . I already have it all mapped out in my head . It begins , " It was a dark and stormy night . " Kidding . Had a bit of a thought drama at one point though . While running through the synopsis and imagining it in my head , I began to think that maybe I should write this from DI Lennox 's point of view . It could be his first case . But then a lot of what I have planned would become redundant so I scrapped that idea . I 'll use the story to bring in Lennox and find out more about him that way first . I want this to be about Ronnie , to follow him on a personally journey as he discovers who he is . He has a lot of soul searching to do in the coming weeks so it has to be from his point of view . Besides , I like the idea of seeing it from the crimnials point of view while including the copper in pursuit . I am also having trouble with the ending . It 's convergant and dramatic , but I don 't think there is enough of a twist . There is a big twist earlier in the story about half - way through , but I 'm not sure how to ( or if I should ) double this up with another . Or even , if I should shift the first twist to the end ofColin 11 : 45 am Having the clocks go back last night didn 't mean getting an extra hour of sleep for me . In fact it meant I lost an hour . I kept Laura up till well after ten in the hope it might make a difference to her rising time . It never . She rose at the same time , which because of the clocks going back , meant I lost an hour , where she seemed to be totally unaffected . I long for the day when she discovers the luxury of a lie in . Then I 'll gladly be the volunteer who wakes her up . An extra hour in bed these days means a whole lot more than it used to . I walked round to the shops with her early and got a few messages and the Sunday papers . The Scotland on Sunday was giving away a free book about ghosts in Scotland and the News of the World had an article written in it by my pal who works on the paper . It was an interview with Madness ' lead singer , Suggs , that I was lucky enough to be sent the transcript and copy for last week . It had been heavily cut by the time it got to print , but it 's very exciting to see the build up to December 's tour beginning in earnest . In the afternoon we all headed out to Portobello beach for the Poolside Poetry book cover photo shoot . My normal photographer was unavailable and it was too nice a day to risk leaving it any longer to get the shots , so Gail borrowed her father 's digital camera and off we went . I knew I would be able to make the scene look more summery using PC software post - shoot , but we still needed clear skies and for me to wear shorts and t - shirt . So I stripped on the beach in front of people wrapped up in heavy coats and scarves and got into the water . The North Sea . In Scotland . Late October . I checked the temperature over the east of the country when I got home . It was around 10 degrees - so God knows what the water temperature was . It was bloody freezing . I mean really cold ! Before long I could hardly feel my feet and after about an hour in the water we had got all the shots I think we would require , but the bottom half of my legs felt as though they were missing . Looking back I shouldColin 12 : 10 pm Usual kind of Saturday morning , though a bit stale . I wandered through Fopp and bought the first Rebus novel , Knots and Crosses . I just can 't help but leave a bookstore with a book in hand . It 's hard not to walk out empty handed even if it is with just a a pamphlet . I drank my cappuccino and pastry and read the first few chapters before returning to get Laura and going home for lunch . Up until recently I seem to have been working my way through Rankin 's novels in no particular order . Which is why , after reading The Flood , I 'll move onto Rebus from book one . And catch up to where I am with my books on the shelf . Blogger wouldn 't post yesterday 's entry . Kept getting error messages despite trying various methods . Pain in the butt . First time I 've had real trouble with it , though I know others who seem to be much worse off over the past few months . Maybe I 've been lucky up till now . I gave my office a good tidy in preparation for NaNo beginning next week . I also boxed a lot of the books I have on my shelf , keeping only the ones that have value or special meaning . So there 's a lot of Auster , King and Rankin etc . as well as a lot of reference books I can 't do without . I only have limited space . The first two top shelves have novels , poetry and story collections . The third some of my folders and research . The fourth more reference magazines and books that are related specifically to the writing craft . Five has Gail 's stuff and six has a scanner and other computer type stuff . Not ideal , but it 's a small room . I worked mostly on my characters for Slick this evening . Full names , ID 's , backgrounds , personality profiles and characteristics . It was fun and made me feel at ease about the whole project . I feel like I have the cast set , the location ready and the script coiled waiting to be sprung . All I need to do , I think , is start writing . Found something to rant about ( and with good reason ) : Family Tragedy in CorfuI was watching this on BBC News 24 this morning on the 6am bulletin ( yes - another early start ) and noticed how this family tragedy is being turned into a media circus . The BBC alone have reporters at the Corfu hotel where the incident occurred , the hospital where the parents still lie comatose , the coroners where the dead children await their post - mortem and in West Yorkshire where a TV crew and reporter are able to tell us the effect all this is having on the extended family . This is an average family who have suddenly been thrust into the media spotlight for the whole of Britain because of their children dying and their parents fighting for their lives . Is it not too much to ask that we remove these smarmy and pretentious reporters and let the family grieve in peace . The last thing anyone wants is for their loss to be broadcast to the four corners of the nation , particularly when the parents themselves don 't even know heir children are dead . It serves no purpose . I can understand a need for it to be reported . Something awful like this can 't be kept from the media , but do we really need to swamp these people with cameras and microphones everywhere they turn ? Leave them alone . They 'll talk to you when they 're ready . If the British media showed some respect and empathy every now and then they might find they are treated with less disdain than they are currently . Looked out of the day job office window just before 7am and saw a glorious red sky filtering through the darkened windows . Shepherd 's warning apparently , but surely it won 't be as bad as yesterday 's weather . We had torrential rain for the first half of the day and from then on gail force winds battered the country . The north of Scotland was declared a state of emergency after severe flooding . Read a Rankin short story from one of his collections . Took the edge off work over lunch seeing as I never made it to Clark 's . Reworked On A Monday Morning , totally turning it on its head . Came as Colin 10 : 47 pm No early start today . Got in late after snooker and a few pints of Guinness last night , then had a cup of tea and cheese sandwich with an episode of Frasier before I went to bed . I am so healthy an eater it is beyond BELIEF ! A couple of interesting projects came in to my email inbox this morning . The National Short Story Prize 2007 ( BBC ) , has a deadline of October 31st 2006 , and is looking for stories up to 8k with a £ 15k prize . I had a possible entry in mind , but that was canned due to this condition of entry : 2 . 7 The author must have a prior record of publication in creative writing . This means the author must previously have had works of prose fiction , drama or poetry published by a UK publisher ( excluding self - publishing ) or established printed magazine in the UK or broadcast by a UK national radio station . " Established " here means a periodical that is published regularly ( monthly , bi - monthly , quarterly ) , that has been in circulation for at least the past 12 months , has an ISBN or ISSN number and is not self published . For avoidance of doubt online publishing is also excluded . A lot of my stuff is published online , and where it 's not it 's US - based . My poetry books are under my " pseudonym publisher " , Smashing Press , Therefore , I do not qualify . Wonderful . conFAB are running a haiku for an umbrella project that sounds interesting . Special edition brollies will be adorned with haiku and sold with accompanying books of all accepted entries . They are currently looking for submissions - relating to rain , naturally . There 's nothing to prevent me entering this one . So I will . Stopped by the NaNo forums and suggested a Leith branch be formed . I 'd much rather be able to meet up with local writers that trooping up to some Edinburgh University campus building where they all seem to be from . Handy for them , but totally out of the way for me . Did a few website updates to keep my techy animal happy , and worked on Slick as much as I could . Re - wrote Only a Bagel and it is now ready to go back out on submission . Ended up going to beColin 7 : 49 am 5 . 30am start today . Checked my email before I left for work and received a rejection from Zygote in my Coffee . Wished I hadn 't bothered . Sang Save a Prayer by Duran Duran in my head all the way in to work . No moon yet . Streets dark , damp and drab . First in the office again . Discovered that PrWeb have stopped doing free press releases . There are others I know of but this was the best one , despite the fact you never actually knew where it was going . Not having all that much money to put into marketing at the moment so this is a bit of a set back . So as yet , the second edition of Fringe Fantastic has yet to be publicised - when I thought the release went out on Monday . Typical . Worked on my November column for The Scruffy Dog Review . There 's rumblings we could be moving to a quarterly magazine due to the quality of subs and the pressure we all have with our other commitments . I reckon it would be a good move , not because I happen to be struggling each month but I think it would give us a better structure to promote and edit . See what happens . If November is scrapped then the column I currently have will become redundant . Related to this is the interview I am doing with a well known Scottish poet . I 'm still waiting for a date so I ran through all the stuff I have prepared for it . I 'm not sure there is enough questions , but then as has happened in the past , too many means you don 't get through them all because you end up talking about loads of other stuff you never considered . I 'm confident enough with the whole thing . Looking forward to it but just need a date now . Re - wrote Only a Bagel giving the characters more in the way of motives , thereby explaining why they are in the situation they find themselves . Also gave more senses a mention to enrich the prose . I 'll send it back out shortly . Worked more on the Slick synopsis for NaNoWriMo . There are some important things missing ; believable characters , scene setting ( it dives right in ) , and I am swithering whether to make the detective who gets involved be DI Lennox , the coppColin 11 : 19 am My warm - up for NaNoWriMo began in earnest this morning when I got up at 05 : 45 . By 06 : 15 I was showered and had drank my coffee and ready for the off . I fed the animals and was at the bus - stop for 06 : 30 . The family normally get up around 7am so if I can get into the 5am starting habit , I figure I can get 90 minutes writing in the morning before anyone rustles out of their kip . Then I can get into work mega - early and leave early , too ( we 're on flexitime ) . This will mean I can work on the novel when I get home before the rest of the family get back from work and school . I 'll need to get to bed at a decent time if I 'm to achieve this , though . Why am I wanting to do such early starts ? Simple , I 'm most productive early morning . I have no excuses to procrastinate while the world is so quiet . Sitting in my office just after 5am with nothing but the sodium glow of the street lamps forming a bubble over the city outside , and the trickle of water in my aquarium as the fish wake up for another day 's swimming , is actually very calming and conducive to writing . Words that I might not be able to place later in the afternoon seem to spring to mind with ease . In the evenings it is much harder to get it all together , get freshened up and be in a position to produce solid work . Fatigue comes into it and the pull of the television and the couch can sometimes prove too great . I have to achieve a 2k daily word count if I 'm to pull it off . Hopefully any drops during the week - like Thursday mornings after a few pints over snooker the night before - can be made up over the weekends . So anyway , there I was , sitting in the office ( day work office ) and it was still pitch black outside . No moon just now means it 's extra dark and not as special . Soon the glow of the moon will be back and it will be time to begin listening to Stella again , this time , with a matching story to go with it . Oh , and don 't forget the wee picture of the crow . He 'll be back , too . Work dragged on and on . By the time lunchtime came round I was starving , my stomach not being Colin 7 : 43 am Slept late yesterday after not getting finished in work until 5am . I felt totally drained , knackered , zombified . By the time I got home I actually felt sick from having had no sleep and forcing myself to stay awake . Sunday was pretty much a wipe - out as a result . I flaked out on the couch and got nothing done . The impact of my day job on my personal life is starting to concern me . Not only does one of these ( well paid ) shifts ruin the Saturday , but also the Sunday . The entire weekend is a total waste , then you find yourself back at work again . Today I felt so sick with it all , I took the day off . It was pre - arranged if I wanted it but I wasn 't 100 % sure until this morning that I would take it . I did a bit of reading and scribbling , then hoovered the downstairs before going up town to take a look around for possible Christmas pressies for my wife . She says we shouldn 't get each other anything , but really ! I always believed that something meaningful , even if small , is much better than an expensive gift . Something that touches the heart and has some thought in it . That 's a sentiment that gets harder each passing year , however . What do you give the woman who has everything ? She has ME after all ! I can 't believe how fast October is running in . There is only about a week to go until NaNoWriMo and I still have much to do to prepare through the research . I wish it would just start . I 've got the damn book half - written already in my head . This week promises to be dramatic . I 've still to interview the Scottish poet , and I 'm unsure if I can schedule this and get it submitted in time for the November issue . This goes back to the family emergency last week , but still , I should have been better prepared . I may have to hold my hands up on this one . I have still got to finish the November column for Scotland 's Treasure , my regular column in The Scruffy Dog Review . It 's half - written , I just need to get the rest complete . I 've lost my way this month and I 'm impatient to begin NaNo . I 'm feeling at a loose end and pretty vulnerable , startingColin 8 : 41 am Back to my normal Saturday morning routine ; dance school , coffee and pastry , bookshop , aquarium shop , Greggs , dance school and home . I forgot my bag with copied of Fringe Fantastic contained , which I was going to take into the book shop on Leith Walk . First cock - up of the day . I couldn 't see the bloke when I passed so I 'll get in touch with him to re - arrange again . Then I discovered they 've put up the price of the pastries in my coffee shop . £ 1 . 50 for a wee piece of delight . They 've doubled in size , though , so I forgave them . Checked out Ian Rankin 's new novel , The Naming of the Dead in Waterstone 's . Funny to think that the sleeve blurb describes what he was " toying with " when I interviewed him last year . Back then the plot was just an idea based on the G8 with a specific incident involving Rebus and the President of America . Now it 's a complete novel , with sub - plots , twists and excitement . I intended to get some sleep in the afternoon with a long and arduous night shift ahead of me but it wasn 't to be . There was too much noise in the house and I just grew more and more annoyed at the prospect of another night with no sleep , this time because I had to be in the office . I gave up and showered , then left early to get in to work . I stopped off for a chippy on the way , which only frustrated me further . Being a west - coaster I 'm not into ' salt ' n ' sauce ' , much preferring the healthier option of ' salt ' n ' vinegar ' . I never saw the young Polish girl put any salt on my sausage supper ( they were out of fish ! ! ! ) so I asked her if she had . She confirmed it had been done . I get to the office , pull out my cutlery and opened the bag - no salt ! It 's not rocket science , a bag of chips and deep - fried sausage , is it ? What 's the point . The whole day made me feel like it just didn 't want to go my way . Should have stayed in bed . Should have stayed 8 and I could have been out playing on my bike . Work dragged . Thought of the money coming my way in December 's pay for doing it . Tiredness played a big part too , and I thought of my bed quite a loColin 8 : 50 pm Hallelujah , it 's Friday ! Couldn 't have come quick enough , if you ask me . I know you didn 't ask me , I can just imagine you standing in front of me asking the question , that 's all . Or to be more accurate , sitting in a bar - probably . The fact is I am delighted it is Friday and there is nothing more to add . Well , there is other wise it would be a pretty poor and pointless post . Wouldn 't it ? Got a rejection in for Only a Bagel along with a couple of comments about the plot . Not sure exactly what was meant so I 'll have to re - read the piece with the crits in mind . I trust the editor who sent me her opinion , so I 'm happy take them on board and re - work it if necessary . Day work pretty tough at the moment thanks to a devilish blend of incompetence and rudeness . Went to Clark 's for a couple of pints at lunchtime to alleviate this , and then returned for two more straight after work . Spent the evening with Laura , watching TV and our vast array of animals . Galbraith Zoo we call it . They 're all doing fine , by the way . Not that you asked or anything . I just thought you would like to know . Here 's a Friday joke : Really tired this morning , but not from lack of sleep . I 'm exhausted after the weekend and long start to the week , so going to the snooker last night meant I slept heavy and wanted it to continue . Wish I could get my sleeping patterns back into sync . Ideally , as it 's autumn , a 5am rise and 10pm bedtime would suit . Just can 't get into the routine , however . I 've put several of this months GDR items officially on hold while I concentrate on the new book release and preparing for NaNoWriMo . I want to write some new fiction before the end of the month as a kind of limber up as well and I 'm running out of time . Revamped the Fringe Fantastic website . I 've been making small changes to the manuscript over time and just need to tweak the cover for the Second Edition , which will be published tomorrow . This new edition will be available as a downloadable e - book as well as in paperback . The First Edition of the book will only be available in print and all copies signed by me . I want to clear them out for good . While I was at it I put together a press release to announce the new release and gave my website and the Fringe Fantastic websitea top - up , too . I figured this will stir some interest just prior to the launch of my second book , Poolside Poetry . All this took me quite a while to get it right , after which I decided on a cup of tea and an early ' ish night . I caught Mr Rankin on This Week chatting about the state of the UK Prison Service and laughed as he managed to squeeze in a small promotion of his new book out today , The Naming of the Dead . Speaking of which , my MIL gave me a tatty first edition copy of Rankin 's Let It Bleed , which I already have but she wasn 't to know that . It was a lovely gesture and made incredible when I opened the cover to discover a handwritten note from the original buyer to the recipient . It read , " To George , cheers , Ian Rankin . " I don 't think she knows it is signed by the author . I 'm still reading The Flood and have lost touch over the last weekend . I 'll pick it up again in between . Had to take a few days off writing for various personal reasons so I 'm lagging behind on all fronts . Was unable to keep the meeting at the bookshop and had to cancel the meeting with the poet - both of which will now have to be rearranged . Thought I may have had to cancel NaNoWriMo next month at one point , but it 's back on again . Work was awful . We 've been advised that come December we are all being shifted from the relative calm of our current ' just - outside - the - city - centre - leafy - suburb ' , to the burly hub that is Edinburgh 's west end . I don 't want to move for various reasons : Longer to travel to workLonger to get homeNo Clark 's BarNo Club Sandwich coffee shopLots of noise and bustle every dayBut then , moving could be to my advantage , too : A change of scenery might brighten things upThe building we are in can get refurbished ( we are supposedly moving back in 6 months ) I 'll be nearer the shopsHopefully I can pick up the remains of this month 's GDR and make some impact before the end of the month . I may have to prioritise and drop some items . Forgot to mention an incident from the other day that typified the type of egotistical , arrogant and rude kind of assholes you get working in here . Picture it : I 'm heading to a meeting in another office but neglected to take a note of the room number . I call on my mobile to one of the phones in my area to ask someone to check my diary and see what room it is . A bloke ( who shall remain nameless ) answers , says his name and asks how he can help - as you do with any external call received . I begin to speak , started to explain my situation and he HUNG UP . He simply put the phone down while I was talking ! Enraged , but to be honest , not at all surprised , I rang someone else who obliged to help me out . The person in question is of small build and I 'm pretty positive suffers from Wee Man 's Disease . That is to say , he has a major chip on his shoulder over the fact he never reached over five foot four inches in height and he is now in his forties . He 's the type of bloke who , when you go to say " hi " on passing , completely ignores you . He is loud , bitchy and a total wanker . And I have to put up with this ? I don 't remember it reading in my contract that , " the employee shall put up with all wankers in the company who choose to toss their ego 's off into other people 's faces for fun . " Don 't expect any help from me in the future little man . Anyway . Worked on Wide Awake . The first draft of this really was awful , I don 't think I 'll ever be happy with the final version because I know where it came from . A bit prejudiced I know , but I can 't help but feel that starting it over again might be the way to go . I completed the final draft of the Poolside Poetry manuscript . 89 pages of poetry ; some funny , some reflective . It 's two pages shorter than Fringe Fantastic , yet it has 22 more poems but no photographs . Why would that be ? Started putting the finishing touches together for the poet interview on Monday . I won 't have any time on Sunday so I need to have it all done by Saturday night . Saturday morning I am confirmed to be meeting the owner of thColin 10 : 04 am I had time to think on the way to work this morning , but I was so busy during the day I forgot it all , so this post is not going to be as good as I originally hoped . Got an email from someone trying to start up a Writer 's Group in Edinburgh . I 'm definitely getting involved . It would only be one Wednesday per month but I want to continue meeting other writers and getting out there actively . It can only be a good thing . I 've begun clearing the decks for NaNoWriMo . The aim is to have as little on as possible that could detract , but I must have something on , because working on the one project all month could seriously do my head in . I 'll keep the poetry stuff going , and maybe leave myself with a few stories written , but unedited . Then there 's the marketing of Poolside Poetry - that can 't be forgotten . My aim is to write an average of 2 , 000 words per day . There are 30 days , so that would equate to 60 , 000 words of a novel . Knowing my writing pattern and other commitments , I can see my writing 2k for a few days , nothing for a couple of days , then 5k the next day , and so on . It 's definitely do - able , and I 'll give it my best shot . I 've got a good foundation with all the planning I 've undertaken both in schedule and plot . I got soaked on the way home from work from sheets of heavy , hard rain under a dark grey sky . It was glorious . Cue the song : Girl , You 'll Be a Woman Soon , by Urge Overkill ( as head in Pulp Fiction ) . Pippin , my grey / white rabbit , is still suffering huge chunks of hair fall - out . Apparently it 's just her adult coat coming in . All the scratching , nipping and digging was her puberty phase , as her hormone levels soared . Now , with the advent of her shedding her skin and being replaced by a new coat , she has moved into the next phase of her life . Now , she is a woman . I 'll need to watch though because if they get any hair balls they could be in trouble so extra care over the next few days . Soon be time to get her and Mopsy sprayed , anyway . It 's for their own health and well being apart from the obvious protection . Got moreColin 11 : 54 am I delayed going to bed last night in a feeble attempt to beat the insomnia . Picture it - I want to sleep but I 'm not letting myself , because if I don 't I won 't be able to sleep just yet . Yeah , I 'm lost too . It worked partially though , because I managed to get to sleep when I did retire . Trouble was I woke up at 3am this morning - too early to get ready for work and too late for me to get up without me being " up for the day . " Fuck it . So I just lay there , waiting for the sun to rise . Got through some non - writing related tasks to take my mind off things today . I 'll be meeting with the owner of the local bookshop hopefully on Saturday . He 's said he would be fine stocking a few to see how they sell so I 'll pop in and see what we can arrange . I caught up with all my submissions for Hunting Jack and Stella . There are still a few to come back for both but I 'm not running any more out just now for Hunting Jack . The latter I 'll keep plugging away at . Submitted Water of Leith . Spent a bit of time on the NaNoWriMo forums posting some comments and getting to know some of the more local participants . I 'm really looking forward to this . A lot of people still don 't know what they are going to write about . I find that scary . Put together the website for the promotion of Poolside Poetry . It took me a couple of hours to get to where it is , which is pretty good going time - wise . It 's almost done , except for a few pages of content . If you want a sneak preview , point your browser to : http : / / poolsidepoetry . colingalbraith . co . ukLet me know what you think . Thanks to Devon for her comments left after yesterday 's post . They made a lot of sense . Tried to get up early but having had no sleep over the past few night prevented it . I 'm getting the urge for mega - early starts , and walking through Edinburgh in the dark before everyone is awake . Why ? ? ? When I woke up it was to bright sunshine and damp streets . I 'd slept in . Looks like we had heavy rain overnight and now Mr Blue Sky is everywhere . Reminded me of the ELO song from nineteen seventy something . People close to me say I 'm talking rubbish with this erratic sleep patterns , and that I don 't have any problem getting to sleep . What people don 't see is the nights when I just lie there , unable to let the tiredness that I know is lurking , cawl over me and subdue my conscious . What people don 't see is the nights I wake up at 1am , my body convinced I 've slept a full night , then unable to capture it again . so I get up and sit in the lounge , drink some milk , watch BBC News 24 or write . It 's not unusual to be up all night now . It 's happening more and more . It 's the unseen curse , and it 's doing my head in . If I let it go in its own way , I would turn night into day and then back round again . It would keep working in a cyclic motion where my body would simply not fit in to day time hours any more , but work its way round , an hour a night , until it did . Then it would start over again . It 's not that I 'm particularly stressed or worried about anything , and I think that 's part of the problem . I can 't define it , pin - point a reason as to why it 's happening . It just is . Some nights I want to go to bed , but I just don 't want to sleep . Work is terribly boring . I even had people commenting on how tired I was looking , so it must be bad . I could feel my cheeks hanging bruised from being awake too much and I 'm not about to statr wearing make - up to hide it . Worked on Slick and proof - read Poolside Poetry using the printed manuscript . Always , always , always a vital part of publication . No matter how many times you draft and double - check on - screen , you always spot mistakes / improvements when it 's printed off and in front of you in black and whColin 12 : 19 pm Lazed about all day . I have simply no energy to do anything and I 'm so overtired I can 't sleep . Didn 't feel too guilty about it as I thought about Slick and Poolside Poetry most of the time . It rained more often than it didn 't , and when it did , it lashed down . I quite like being inside when it 's raining and doing nothing . Staring out at the circular patterns on the pavement puddles . I like being out in the rain more though . Reading the news of last night 's celebrations across Scotland for our win over the French in the Euro Championship qualifiers , it turns out that Glasgow city centre had to be shut down , as well as several bars to accommodate the party . The Granary in Shawlands for instance - an old drinking haunt from my bachelor days - actually ran out of beer and glasses , and was forced to close its doors to prevent a crush . The city centre was so over - run by people partying that several streets were cordoned off by the police to prevent traffic congenstion . I can 't remember that last time all everyone was talking about was a Scotland match . 15 years at least . Another sleepless night , compounded by having to get up early to take Laura to dancing . Wandered round Waterstones for a while , had a coffee and pastry and popped into the aquarium shop on my way home . Went home and tried to sleep during the afternoon . Couldn 't . Read more of Rankin 's The Flood , then tried to sleep again . Couldn 't . A combination of being too tired and the drilling / hammering in the house saw to it . Scotland beat the World Cup runners - up , France , by a goal to nil at Hampden . It 's been 17 years since I saw Hampden so delirious at a National football match . Went to work for 7pm to do a mainframe software implementation and was totally shattered by 11pm as a result . Couldn 't concentrate and had thoughts only of my bed the entire time . As I write this , it is a few minutes past midnight and I am not expecting to get away until 3am at the earliest . Hopefully it will be sooner and I 'll be able to get some sleep before I conk out totally . The NaNoWriMo forums are coming to life with more and more writers coming on board . It 's getting quite exciting . There seems to be a lot of sci - fi writers , which is not something I 'm interested in writing at all , but at least there 's quite a few people from Edinburgh . Poolside Poetry is all but complete . I finished the preface tonight and I think all the poems are now in satisfactory order . I 'll be giving the manuscript a full going over in print to check for errors and improvements that can be made , but all in all , it 's done . All that remains is the photo shoot for the cover . After several feature length episodes of Rebus over the past few Friday evenings , with the pleasure of seeing Edinburgh and Leith as the backdrop to Rankin 's novels , and how the books adapted to the TV screen , something else . Tonight in the same slot , Taggart ; the Glasgow - based police drama of the same ilk . Taggart isn 't derived from novels but is a similar kind of drama ; local and criminal , hard and street - wise . While the outdoor shots of Rebus were filmed in Edinburgh and the interior in Glasgow , all of Taggart is filmed in the West of Scotland . Watching it , I felt less guilty ( ? ) about writing about Edinburgh locations . I 'm not an east - coaster and all this worry I 've had of late to do with basing stories in Edinburgh seems less apparent when I watched Taggart . It was good to see the Dear Green Place on screen , but I realised that my unique view of Edinburgh is what can help me pull it off . If I want to write a story based in Edinburgh , I always feel it might be compared to or in some way mistaken for plagiarism from Rankin , Welsh , McCall - Smith et al . I would need a new angle , a different perspective to what has already gone before . Edinburgh is , after all , a small city and it is too much to expect not to write about the same places from time to time . Rankin 's a Fifer , Welsh is a Leither and McCall - Smith is from Zimbabwe . I am from Glasgow and the West of Scotland , which none of them obviously are . And now I think I can use this to make my voicColin 8 : 24 pm Couldn 't sleep last night . I 've lost my appetite somewhat over the past couple of days and the sleep thing has coincided with it . I got back up and worked on Poolside Poetry until around 2 . 30am . Yet when I got up today I felt refreshed and quite energetic . Energetic that is , except for my right foot which is damn sore - much sorer than yesterday when I went over on it in the garden . It 's now really hard to walk on and I can feel pain right through my foot . I worked more on Poolside Poetry , adjusting the order of the poems and working on the foreword . It 's coming to fruition nicely . I 've not decided if the font I have used is my final choice , I may do a further search for fonts . I 've got hold of a digital SLR for the font cover photo shoot , so I dropped Sarah an e - mail to see if she 's still up for doing the cover . I still fancy doing a Portobello beach shot . Going to be cold this time of year but it 'll be worth it . Worked on Slick outline . I 'm reluctant to overdo the synopsis in case I remove the enjoyment and richness of allowing the story to grow itself . But I need it to be researched and plotted to a certain degree if I 'm going to make the 50k words in the month of November . I 'm going to write it in first person . NaNoWriMo is an experiment , so I want to experiment with the writing , too . I think first person will suit the story I am planning , but the problem I am having is how to start the book . There isn 't any logical beginning but without an explosive start , this book will be nothing . Answer ? More thinking , more planning , more work . Here 's the blurb : The Devil Finds Work For Idle HandsRonnie Glover was a bit of a cad . He had a good job in the City , a swish pad overlooking the Thames and a girlfriend most men would give their right arm to be with . But he got bored . When the chance to work for one of the world 's richest oil families was offered , he jumped at the chance . Now , as he returns to the UK after a three year stint in Dubai , he is richer than his wildest dreams - and more wanted than any other man in the country . Colin 11 : 59 am Finished reading Lifeless by Mark Billingham . I thought it was an excellent read ; superb twist and management of a complicated set of characters , loved the way he intertwined the 1991 Iraq War into the present day , and I particularly liked the way he approached the homeless issue in London . This made me feel a connection with Hunting Jack , though Billingham gave it more of a community feel , whereas I approached it more from the solitary angle . Started reading Ian Rankin 's first novel , The Flood . Written about 20 years ago well before Rebus was on the scene . First impression - very different . Applied for 4 new freelance gigs . Worked a lot on Poolside Poetry . I edited and re - edited all the poems , polishing and re - organising , re - reading and standing back . Finally got them all to a high standard and began the task of inserting them into the final manuscript . I 'm using the format of FF but with different fonts etc . It means I don 't have to re - format the entire document , which is what took up most of the time to produce FF last year . The problem is with 68 poems , one has to decide on what order to put them in . Obviously the poems relating the going and coming home form the beginning and end , but you also have to be aware of the mix in between . There is an overall story to be told and it has to be told in a funny way but make sense at the same time . There is no point just chucking the poems in randomly - that won 't work - so this , to me , is the hardest part of laying out a chapbook , and the one area that I can never seem to decide to a stage I 'm happy with . All that is left now though , is to write the acknowledgements and notes to the text ( don 't think they will be needed though ) , as well as the preface and the cover photography . I want to get the book out before December but that may come down to getting the cover organised and the time it takes to get the draft copy sent out . Forgot to mention a programme I watched on Sunday night . The South Bank Show featured Melvynn Bragg in interview with Irvine Welsh . It showed him walkiColin 11 : 52 am Major sore head today from the three bottles of red wine consumed last night for my birthday celebrations . I would have drunk beer but I started the first bottle in the restaurant so I wanted to keep the theme as it 's been a while . Besides , when we came home I discovered all my Tennents lager had gone out of date . I got some nice cards and gifts from everyone , the best being from Forward Press who wrote to me to confirm acceptance of my poem , River Monkeys for publication in their new anthology , A Pocketful Of Fun - A Collection Of Poems For Children , to be published under Anchor Books ! My parents came to visit this afternoon and my sister and her husband also popped in during the afternoon after their own night out in Edinburgh . I really need a day off . Being woken early by Laura ringing the doorbell then my FIL turning up with his jackhammer really edged me into grumpy territory . I 'm tired and need to sleep in a quiet place . Portobello beach seems like a nice spot . Here 's my GDR for September , which I am pleased to say , makes for some damn good reading . Fiction * Type up and finish edits for Wide Awake - WIP * Follow up on Stella submissions * New round of Stella submissions to publishers , e - book sites etc . - still waiting on some publishers . May need subsequent editing on names and places . * Finish editing Regrets and send out to targeted publishers - finished edits . Submitted . * Finish writing and editing Amanda and Joe and ' maybe ' send out to targeted publishers - finished edits . Submitted . * Complete editing A Friend To Die For to point where left off [ read / edited to end of ch . 17 ( 30740 / 40000 words ) ] - no work done . * Work on synopsis for NaNoWriMo novel , Slick - WIP * Keep on top of submissions list - ongoing process . Targetting paying markets and higher profiles . Poetry * Work on new book , Poolside Poetry - WIP . Problems with photography equipment . * Write more poetry * Check listings for performance poetry nights - joined some appropriate mailing lists and plan to attend upcoming events . Non - Fiction * Work on Scotland 's TrColin 12 : 59 pm

I am home alone but expecting husband to show up anytime . Sitting here when I hear the front door move but then nothing , there should be more sound if it is him . I turn the light on for him but still no other sound so I go in the bedroom and look out that window , nothing there , no - one anywhere . . . But a bucket has been moved and is on it 's side . The wind maybe , it is a bit windy . . . I decide it was the wind and not boogymens so go out and set the bucket up and put it away from the wind . I happen to see a movement up the other end of the verandah and of course ! I remember we have a bandicoot that likes to get the chookfood from the buckets that I leave out . So he must have tipped this one over , found it empty so went looking in the other one . He didn 't seem that fussed that I was there so I came in to get the camera and he was still there when I went out again and I managed to get quite close , within 4feet , of it . Isn 't it so cute . I don 't know how many we have here now but I 'm thinking this is the one that goes between the chookpens , it digs under the gates and the fences and I am forever filling in the gaps so the chickens can 't get out . These are another reason I don 't want to use poisons or snap traps for the rats . The only fruit we have eaten from our garden is a few handfuls of Strawberries . I really need to work on getting something producing fruit every month . More trees , berries , something . . . More research in this area is needed . I was concerned awhile ago about the rats out in the pen where the chickens are but I have been noticing more and more droppings out in the garden shed as well . I call it the garden shed , it is more of a dumping area for my garden stuff like the mowers , seeds , chook - food , tools , pots , crap . . . There is no organisation and anything is anywhere . There are 2 bench areas at the back , hard to get to because I have dumped stuff in front and these have become covered in droppings . Big mouse , small rat , something not wanted either way . But we have bandicoots here and skinks live in this shed so as poisons and snap traps were out I have been hunting around for humane traps that catch the * whatever * alive . I bought the 2 wire cages on the left first , $ 14 + each . I was told that they were the last 2 and they wouldn 't be selling that type again which was a bummer as they were the ones I wanted but I have found a shop in Pinjarra that sells them but they are a few dollars more . I will pay the extra and get a couple next week , just to save searching around for longer . The 2 coloured ones in the middle are mouse traps from our hardware store , they were under $ 5 each and the mouse trap with the wooden floor is from the rural supplier in town here , $ 10 It works on the same principle as the first two but doesn 't seem as strong and has a wooden bottom whereas the others seem better with a wire bottom . Much easier to clean . So at the moment we have 5 traps , all easy to set but the plastic mouse ones are a bit of a trap themselves as they go off but we can 't see what , if anything , is inside them . I want to know what I am picking up even if it makes me squeal . The first week I had the wire traps set up in the shed and we caught 3 rats . . . Hubby was home so he dealt with them . He thought he had some rats in his shed too so put one of these traps in there and caught something on the second night . If I am home alone and I trap a skink then I 'll let it go out the back . If it 's a mouse or a rat I will . . . Don 't know what I will do with it . If I can bring myself to pick up the trap with a live rat in it then I will probably , maybe , take it down the road and let it out . I 'd have to make sure that there was no - one around as I know there will be some squealing and carrying on going on . They are small rats and kinda cute too . . . But they do gotta go . . . somewhere , somehow . . . The 4 + 1 chickens are doing fine , eating everything and running around through both the pens and the front area . We will get around to stopping this one day but at the moment because there are gaps under the tin and the chickens get under and away from their mum I am leaving the gates open so the mothers can get to them . So five little chickens and their mums . . . The older chicken has Plymouth Rock markings and seems to hang around with the 4 younger chickens and their mum more than with it 's own mother . The black mother has started laying again too which is unusual . There were 2 eggs in her box this morning which just goes to show how much attention I pay when I feed them . There are at least 3 in there . . She was sitting on 4 , maybe 5 , eggs so 3 is good but there may be another one there . I was thinking that I would need to move her in a day or so when they are out and about as she is in the wrong pen for babies but Hubby helped me set up an enclosure for them , safe from the other chooks and crows so they will all be fine where they are for a few weeks . We 've been getting heaps of these caterpillars lately . They seem to be all over the place and are easily seen when I mow the grass and they are there crawling along . They also hang out on the yellow daisy plants that I have which is understandable as that is where the butterfly that I think these come from used to hang out . Yep . . . I made pasta . With egg and flour on the kitchen table . . . you know , real pasta . Hippy / Hippie , as in wild and free not big at the hips , Daughter was here on Friday and she always inspires me to try something new and this week it was pasta making . Four year old Grandaughter was here so made some too . First we plonked 3 lots of a cup of flour on the table , 1 for each of us , GD broke the egg into a cup then poured that into a well we made in the flour . A smidge of salt a bit of oil then squish it all together . Make it into a ball , ready to roll out . Notice one ball is pink ? That is mine . I added a couple of spoons of liquid that I used for the beetroot . Roll out , using a small bottle for small person , a bigger bottle for bigger person and whatever you can find in husbands shed for third person . Cut into different thickness strips and shapes and call them what you want . We also made some with tomatoey beetroot mush in them , a bit like ravioli . Daughter had this pasta machine that she gave me ages ago that we brought out to try . It was hard going but they did get some * penne * and some other thing . It looked like hard work and not something I could use so I will stick to the handmaking stuff . We had some for our tea and Hubby says it was very nice but maybe slightly undercooked . So there you go . Another thing that I have been wanting to do has been done . I must say it is a lot more work than going to the shop and buying a packet and as I always buy quite a bit when it is on special so always have some here it wont be an every week thing . I will do it again as it is much nicer than the bought stuff . We were digging up around the water tank the other day , daughter and grandaughter were here helping me . I was going to plant flowers around it again but we decided to use the space for Tomatoes instead . Of course this area was full of slaters , not too big of a deal with flowers but with a food crop going in they have to be removed . The D . and GD . spent quite a while picking them up out of the dirt . D did go and get the friendly white Aracauna to come and help them . GD thought it was fun to have the chook eat the slaters out of her hand . We collected heaps and fed them to the chooks . This is an ideal way to deal with an unwanted pest , very time consuming and fun but not something that I can be bothered with often enough . I am going to try an EO spray and see if that will get the numbers down and as I have found a local supplier of foodgrade DE I will get some of that as well . I had a lovely lunch out last Sunday , nice people , lovely place , saw some whales frolicking off the shore . . . Well 1 whale that I could tell was a whale but the other thing that was waaayyy out was also a whale or so I was told . I have no reason to not believe these people who see whales most days at this time of the year . Pretty cool if you ask me . Anyway I get home and Hubby pulls in behind me , 2 days early but that 's OK . " Ceptin ' he 's coughing and spluttering and has been all week poor sod but I have been fighting off the kid I look afters cold for the last 3 weeks and wasn 't strong enough for this bugger . So I 'm not well . Still have to do stuff though and no - one cares but hey , you get that . Started on the honey and vinegar and hot lemon drinks right away so I 'm actually not too bad , I just like to whinge . I have more aches and pains that usual so that 's a pain ( haha ) but I 'm a big girl and will soldier on . Thanks for the concern though . Now out to do another snail patrol . I thought I had these things more or less under control but there are heaps of small ones out there so need to get on top of them again . It 's all neverending isn 't it but it keeps me off the streets and out of trouble so it 's all good . We 're still having heaps of pest problems and the pellets are looking better to me all the time . WE , ( Hubby ) did an experiment . He put pellets under a couple of my * traps * In a couple of spots , away from root vegetables and lettuce , near the peas and brocolli . All the slaters under them are dead and the plants have not been nibbled on . The beds that he didn 't do still have heaps , under the traps and walking across the soil and on the plants . I have lost more seedlings to these bleedin ' things . He says that shows I should be using it where the seedlings are . . . Hmmm , I don 't want to but I do want them to leave my food alone . I put old grass clipping from the chook yards onto the gardens as mulch and the weeds I pull out I usually leave on the garden to rot down and feed the soil . The gardens need to be fed but it does encourage these things . I have been pulling away all this stuff from the plants and keeping it to the side and scooping up the slaters that go there . They still come out and eat the plants though as I cannot collect them all . They burrow under the ground and dozens are missed . Come Summer and this mulch will have to be spread over the garden again . Last year we tried penning in a few of the smaller chooks to scratch around and eat the slaters . It didn 't work . Our gardens always have something growing in at least half of them and the silly chooks kept getting out and going for the growing green stuff . I spent too much time fixing the makeshift fence and chasing chooks out of where they shouldn 't be . The bloke out the back told us that he limed his pumpkin area before he planted otherwise the slaters got into his pumpkins so we tried that and it seemed to work but this year they are back in that bed . And stuff didn 't grow as well as it should have done because of the lime . . . We have thought of using diatomaceous earth but have been told by our rural supplier that it needs to be foodgrade and he doesn 't sell it and I keep forgetting to look when I am out of town . Over the last week I have notice the Cabbage White Butterfly around so it means I 'll have to keep the baddie racquet 's handy . I wouldn 't think or buying in poison for them as they are kinda controllable and the caterpillars can be picked off before they do too much damage . It 's just the slaters I hate and want gone once and for all . Last year we lost all our peaches to Fruitfly . It was a really bad year here for them and we had them in trees that haven 't had them before . Even the Strawberry Guavas were infected . We were catching them in the traps but once again , there were so many . Eveyone that I have spoken about it says the same thing . Last year was a BAD year in our area for fruitfly . I plan on putting the traps out again this week but Hubby has bought some spray . He says his boss hates spraying but used this spray last year and he got fruit while we didn 't . The spray is EcoNaturelure and as the boss is a bit of a greenie I 'm thinking it might be alright . . . And then we have the grass . Hubby spent all day last weekend mowing out the front of our place . It was his one day off here at home . It is too thick and half is under trees so too hard for me to do . I 'm starting to think that poisoning that area is the way to go . This time of the year he is too busy with work and I hate that he needs to spend his time off doing that . I have other things for him to do ! ! He also mows the dam area which is too big of an area for me . I can sometimes get the area around the house completed , sometimes the girls come and do it for me . The edges though , they could do with a dose of poison too . Keeping the grass from them is stopping me from doing other things . Like sitting in the sun and reading , going for a walk , riding the bike , being on the computer . . . you know , the good stuff . As I get older and more sore I am getting more tempted to do what I don 't want . The simple life really isn 't so simple . Posted by Hubby says I should spray the grass and if I don 't he will . He says I need to put poison down for the slaters and if I don 't he will . So far I haven 't and he has had other stuff to do . So I am putting seeds in , watching them grow , putting them out into the gardens . . . and going out in the mornings to see a few more gone , eaten by the slaters . This morning I go out and see that I have 1 broccoli left out there . A few peas are gone , strawberries are being munched on , tomatoes have holes . I have been setting up areas away from the plants with leaves and * food * for the slaters and a lot are going there and I can pick them up and give them to the chooks or pour boiling water on them and killing them that way . I have removed mulch from the worst beds and no longer have it around the plants as the slaters were using it as a haven . But there are so many and it seems that they like my food better than the stuff I put out for them . The poison option is looking better with every missing seedling , half eaten strawberry and slater that I see on my food . With Summer coming I will need to start mulching again but know that will just hide them and make it harder to see them . Last year we used lime in a few beds and that seemed to work for awhile but there are now more than ever out there . I have been battling these slaters for a few years now and I think they are now worse than they have ever been . Hubby says to put poison down and get them back to a manageable level . A few people have mentioned to us that they use Snail pellets and that it kills the slaters . Hubby has bought a box . It is tempting . Very tempting . OK , You can all stop worrying . I told you they 'd be there ! I don 't know why my husband thinks I worry too much for no reason . There are rats out there though ! ! I have been looking at pictures of ratpoo , yes such is my life , and I am sure that is what it is . Bandicoot is altogether different . Some time today I will need to get in and clean out the 3 unhatched eggs that are still in her nest . The mother chooks usually gets off the nest after a day or so of the eggs hatching and it gives me a chance to clean out the nestbox and put new hay in there . This chook has taken her babies back into it for now but hopefully she 'll let me near it later on . I went out this evening to feed the mother chook and the chickens but am now a bit worried . Yesterday there was 4 new chickens but tonight I could only see 2 but there are heaps of rat , I think , droppings all over the top of the nest box . I 'm hoping the chickens were under the mummy chook asleep and not been gobbled up by a damn rat but I know rats take baby pigeons so . . . but the chook would surely not let a rat into her nest . . . maybe . . . We went away over the weekend . . . left Saturday morning , back Sun afternoon . . . I had planned to clean out the dead eggs from the chook . . . Remember , her eggs were due to hatch last weekend but her nest was flooded a couple of weeks ago . Because we went away I didn 't get around to doing it but it was smelly and did need doing . Poor chooky , sitting on dead babies . I had some more fertile eggs so I thought I 'd put a few under her after I removed the old ones , so I collected fresh hay , the eggs , a clean water and food container . Imagine my surprise when I go to get her off and find a tiny chicken outside her nest area . It was small so I knew it wasn 't the other chicken . I put it back with the mother and go and get something for a ramp so it can get back into the nest easier . . . and there is another chicken popping it 's head out . I go out later and see 4 . Hubby reckons I had the dates wrong but I wrote them down so * know * I didn 't .

Three Months Posted on June 13 , 2013 by mommymetamorphosis It 's hard to believe three months have gone by already . It feels like I blinked and now here we are . I cannot say that this has been an incredibly hard three months , in terms of adjusting to this newest blessing in our family . It has not . She is by far the easiest , sweetest tempered , laid back , sleepy baby we both have had the pleasure of having and she has seamlessly fit right into our crazy brood . However , I am still struggling with PPD as some of you have seen from an Instagram post I revealed last week . I started therapy , but the hardest part was taking the first step and sharing that post . The responses I got were overwhelming and have helped me immeasurably . ( More on that in a later post ) Three months starts my favorite stage . What my husband and I playfully refer to as coming out of the ameba stage . It marks more awake time . Even more expression . Lots of smiles and with those smiley faces come some giggles too . Little Roo has been giggling more and more at my silliness and has even giggled for her big sister . She 's aware of more than just mommy and has shown a particular liking to guess who ? Her big sister ! She loves to be close and of course that means being held a lot . For the first few weeks the Maya wrap was my saving grace , but I needed my hands free in order to do more with The Little Flower and didn 't want her to feel as if she needed to fight for my attention now that the new baby was here . Since Little Roo loves being worn and I am a semi - attatchment parenting Mama I purchased a Girasol , it is my first woven wrap and I simply love it . I was terrified at first to attempt a back carry , but thankfully there are plenty of youTube videos to watch and I quickly got over that fear . Our Little Jewel , Gem , or Little Roo she already has just as many nicknames as her big sister . We are blessed beyond words to have another child and even more blessed that our gender surprise turned out to be another girl . Even though we didn 't really have a preference . I can honestly say now that she is here I am super glad that it turned out in my hearts secret desire for her to be exactly who she is … I had a sister growing up , whom I never knew . She passed away just shy of her sixth birthday and I was just about to be a year old . I spent most of my life longing for that relationship . I can only hope that my two girls will grow up forming that special bond that only sisters can . If my sister were alive today I know we would have been the best of friends . Meeting her baby for the very first time . Words cannot adequately capture that moment . It was priceless . After that no one else could come into the room and hold her baby . Always asking to hold you and super excited to see you even after a brief nap . The picture below is one I caught over my shoulder as I burped the baby … I didn 't notice until after I captured it that she was holding her hand . * * heart explosion For the first few years after my mother died I found it gut - wrenchingly painful to enter any store that contained huge displays of cards and gifts specifically designed for mom , regardless of time and the fact that I too am a mom . It was like a punch in the gut . A hand held around my throat choking me until tears were inevitable . Every where I seem to look advertisers seem to tease . Buy that special gift for Mom . How will you celebrate your Mother this Mother 's Day ? Get the perfect gift for your Mom and show her how much she means to you . I was blessed with a mother who loved me beyond measure and told me so daily . A mother who understood that I was an individual , regardless of how painful it must of been for her to see me make several mistakes growing up . A mom who encouraged me and took the fall when it didn 't go over too well with my peers . She used to say , " Tell your friends your mom said , No and that she 's mean . I don 't care if they think I 'm a bitch . " She wanted our relationship to be different from the one she had with her own mother . She did the best she could and broke the cycle of violence that she endured as a kid . She had her moments when discipline was hard and punishment was a long , dull , boring week camped out in your bedroom with nothing but four walls to stare at , but she did it with love . She taught me respect for myself and she preached the golden rule daily . Do unto others as you would have done unto you . One of the things I remember most about growing up was when my brother and I would bicker she would say , " Stop it this instance . If you two can 't say something nice to one another then don 't say anything at all . " At the time I thought I have nothing nice to say and I want to make sure my brother knows it ! Now many many moons later I have instilled the same in my children . Funny how we become like our parents . Just when we least expect it , with a look , a word , or during tender moments . I have become my mother . I have spent just over ten years motherless on Mother 's Day . Trying desperately to remember her fondly and without the pain her loss has brought me . Each year promising myself to start new memories with my sons and not allow my mother 's death to take the best of who I am . However , last year after the birth of the Little Flower my husband planned an outing with my sons and our new little ray of sunshine . It was a wonderful day spent in a small town filled with shops to explore , food to eat , and just time to relax enjoying each other 's company . We even wound up on the beach with our toes in the sand and who could resist , despite the cold temps a quick deep of our feet in the ocean . My heaven on earth . As the wind blew , my sons kicked up sand and frolicked in the waves , and my husband caressed our barely 3 month old baby girl I whispered into the air , " Thank you mom & Happy Mother 's Day , I miss you ! " Share this : TweetEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Uncategorized | I have words swirling around in my head . If you are reading this , consider yourself warned . This may not make a hell of a lot of sense , but I need to release the tension that fills the space between my ears . So here it goes . We are in the process of packing our home and moving . I explain how it 's all been in Slow Motion and I will be more than thrilled when it is all said and done . I won 't even elude to the fact that when we move it will not be our last time , because where we are going is just a stepping stone to get from where we are now . So there 's that . If I think too much about it all I may pluck all my hair out and being that my husband prefers long luscious locks that is NOT an option . In the meantime , my husband has been commuting four hours a day to and from work for the last year , and it has put a considerable amount of strain on our relationship besides having this year be the first with our newest addition . He also balances his previous life with two sons and sees them one night during the week , which also takes time away from our life , not to mention when the baseball season is upon us , 2x during the year , he can be away additional time to see his older son play ball ~ over an hour away . * * * This is not a complaint , I knew what I was signing up for when we got married . I am just venting . For now there is the fact that my husband is a ' saver ' and I am NOT . He has several items that he holds on to for whatever reason and in the moving process I am finding it hard to understand why he cannot just let them go . Our current home was the home he lived in with his ex - wife , of almost 11 years , there are furniture , dishes , and pictures that I could give a rat 's ass about keeping and he feels differently about those items . I would rather sit & eat off the floor than bring them into our next place , but practically speaking we cannot afford to buy all new items , so I am trying to compromise . Except knowing that financial issues ( along with infidelity ~ she cheated on him ) were a big cause for their martial demise I find it hard to want to keep such items in our home . To me it 's just bad juju . To him it represents hours of hard work and money he earned in order to purchase such items . When I look into our back yard and see a $ 8 , 000 dollar swing set purchased one day , while he was at work , without his knowledge I just cringe . I am NOT perfect , I have flaws and issues like anyone else I probably spend money at times when I should not , but I can honestly say I would NEVER make a purchase of that magnitude without my husband 's consent . Heck I have a hard time spending over $ 50 . 00 without feeling some sort of remorse or guilt . She was a different type of woman and when I leave this house I would like to leave as much of her behind with it . As for the rest … we are downsizing . Considerably . We will be renting a 2 bedroom home for seven people , yes , you read that correctly . * * Keep in mind we transform into a family of 7 from a family of 3 only four times out of a month . So as crazy as it seems it is totally do - able , at least for now . We don 't really have many options for various reasons . We currently live in a huge , cookie - cutter style house in the middle of suburgatory . ( No offense to anyone who lives in this type of home or neighborhood , I did in my previous life , but it is no longer my cup of tea ) . This home , notice I did not say our home , because even after almost 3 years of living here , I do not feel like it is ours . It has 4 bedrooms , 2 1 / 2 baths , a third floor bonus room and a 2 car garage on a cul - de - sac . It has never felt warm to me or like a place that I am proud to call home . I don 't spend much time enjoying the space around me and putting my personal touches here and there . It has remained the way I entered it stark , cold , and untouched . Sort of a metaphor for the lives lived here before it all ended very abruptly and without warning on Christmas Eve of 2008 . That is when she chose to tell him she was leaving him for another man . Oh , and by the way that she was pregnant with that man 's baby . I know my husband has had some good memories here and yet , I know within these walls there is a lot of pain too . If only the walls could speak I often wonder the story they would tell . The side they would choose and how I might possibly view his ex - wife differently . Regardless of it all I am ready for us to start anew . To be revived . Three years feels like ten . We have certainly tested our relationship 's capacity to the max and we still have miles to go before we sleep . Miles my friends and those miles are words , hopefully turned into posts for another time . I may fall of the face of the earth within the next few weeks . It seems writing in my journal comes easier these days . Like I am ashamed to post things . I am not going to lie . I am not polite or graceful when it comes to this whole moving thing . Too much tied to my past and I transform into a monster , the more the boxes pile up . Some days I am too depressed to write and I cannot bring myself to share . I try too hard to be sweet , kind , and like - able . But as I was taught so profoundly by my mother you cannot judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes . Of course I don 't want to judge anyone we all have our crosses to bare . But if you want to try my shoes on and walk a few miles in them , maybe for the next month and a half , you can . Will you pack a few boxes while your in them and move a house full of stuff while your at it too ? " Were probably not looking to close on 5 / 5 , but I believe I may have approval from the bank by Friday and may have an idea by then . Start packing ! " It has been 3 years . Three years , since my husband and I have met , married , had our Little Flower , & decided to move on from this house . This is the house he bought and lived in with his ex - wife . He tried to maintain consistency for his boys , especially his youngest with autism , but the economy , decrease in income , and several other factors have turned this house into an albatross . When we first put it up for sale we had 2 offers immediately , one of which was a very serious cash offer . We were ecstatic and nervous all at the same time . We hadn 't even begun to look at other houses and had no clue where we wanted to move . These offers mysteriously vanished and we had over eighty showings after that . EVERY single weekend and many weekdays our house was taken over by showings . I never cleaned so much in my life . Three toilets , four bedrooms , and you could eat off the kitchen floor . It was exhausting . Eight showings later and still no offers . Until we decide perhaps we would just pull it off the market and try again . Only we didn 't have time . We quickly ran out of reserve and had to borrow from family . We struggled . Cut all expenses . Got rid of all extra luxuries and I even started becoming a mad coupon - ing woman . Stress was our new house guest and our first year of marriage and as new parents was overshadowed by the very thing that was supposed to bring us comfort . Home sweet home wasn 't the sentiments we were singing any longer . After contacting the mortgage company one last time , we accepted our fate and decided to ride it out . Except riding it out , not knowing what will happen or when is far worse then waiting for something to happen . I had lived in fear for months wondering if we would just be evicted without notice . Although my husband promised and swore that is not how these things happen . I am so ready to move on . To start anew . To rid our lives of the past and the painful memories that live among these walls . Of course , good memories have been made here too , but our newest Flower is ready to sprout and grow in a home where we can all move forward as a blended family and leave behind the things that no longer serve our lives in a positive way . Have you tried to sell your home during these tough economic times or moved recently ? What sort of struggles and snares , if any , have you come up against ? Share your horror or pleasant moving experiences with me . Share this : TweetEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Life virtual journal | The space between Posted on April 2 , 2012 by mommymetamorphosis What a weekend . All four boys here with us and energies ran high . I feel like I need a week to recover . Divorce . Shared parenting . Or at least that is what some are fortunate enough to have . I am not that lucky . My ex - husband calls all the shots with his new wife and I am left to observe from the outside . There is time . Time to be had . Time that will come when they are older . This is not the end all be all of my mothering duties . They will need me and want me beyond all this . Little Flower Turns 1 year old Posted on March 23 , 2012 by mommymetamorphosis Alison of Mama Wants This and Ado of The Momalog are both celebrating their 1st blogoversaries this week . And in honor of the occasion , they 've asked interested participants to share a favorite blog post from their blogs . This is my most recent post and I think it goes without saying why it is my favorite . When I started my blog our little flower was just 3 months old . On March 23rd she turned 1 yr . old and I cannot believe how fast it has gone . We are truly blessed to have her in our lives . I cried when they placed you in my arms , after a few scary minutes of not hearing a sound , cause you were taking your sweet little time making a fuss and drawing your first breaths of life outside of my womb . Our doctor was fabulous and just said , " Give her a second mom , she is just being a little lazy . " I wasn 't as calm then , but it was only a matter of minutes and you started making lots of noise and the sound that came out of you when you cried was a " Mmm " sound , it was really quite adorable . We wanted to meet you first and get to know you . Everyone thought we were crazy , but we had so many ideas and once we saw you , none of them seemed appropriate . We would call you by a certain name and after a few minutes I would look at your daddy and say , " That 's not it . " Then the next one would roll of my tongue and again , nope . While in the hospital there are many forms and papers to sign . When the woman came in with the paperwork for you birth certificate we still hadn 't a clue . You were cradled in your daddy 's arms and he was petting your full head of fuzzy dark hair and your skin was perfect , like porcelain . The contrast between your light pretty face and thick dark hair . Watching the curve of your sweet little ears , the slope of the back of your neck , which fit perfectly in the crease of your daddy 's arm , like it had been designed just for you . The way your fleshy little arms curled into each other . I saw the dark peach fuzz of your head and it reminded my of the flowers on my mom 's window sill growing up and I knew . Your Grammie adored plants & flowers and growing up our house was filled with all kinds . I am not sure I really appreciated them when I was a kid , but now as an adult with a house full of plants myself I am reminded how much she cared for them all . Our kitchen window was always blooming from season to season with the most amazing colors and my personal favorites were the deep purple african violets that my mom cared for with such pride . They were always in bloom . On crisp autumn days or dreary cold winter ones they brought cheer and the hopes of weather to come . In spring and summer they were signs of the outdoors brought in . No matter what the weather was outside that window , sunshine filled our home in the form of flowers . I looked at your daddy and said her name is , " Violet . Violet Soleil ! " Our little flower brought to life . Our days now filled with sun , no matter what the weather is outside our window . We are blessed to have you in our lives , sweet girl . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I arrived in Virginia on Thursday morning after 2 early flights , to signs proclaiming " Virginia is for lovers . " I wonder about the meeting at which it was determined that this would be the state 's motto * , but as far as places - to - see - your - husband - one - last - time - before - a - 6 month - separation go , it 's not bad . I met Pete at his unit 's hotel , then we spent most of the day at Busch Gardens . Sometimes the military gives you insubstantial information and substancial inconveniences , sometimes they give you free tickets to amusement parks . We spent 6 hours riding roller coasters and eating soft pretzels and watching adorable dogs and cats who were rescued from shelters and trained to perform " Pet Shenanigans . " Then we checked into the cabin Pete had rented for us on base . It was a pretty sweet set - up , with a kitchen , living room with fireplace , bathroom , two bedrooms and two porches , one screened and one open . We went out to dinner then watched a movie back at the cabin . Friday we went to the gym on base , where we played some basketball , used the treadmill and these weird spin bikes that tilted from side to side , I guess to mimic the feeling of a real bike , and where I did 2 ( Pete - assisted ) chin - ups . Later we went to Pirate 's Cove to play mini - golf and we both got a hole - in - one on the same hole ! After golfing , we wanted to get ice cream so we stopped at The General Store which has a Haagen Dazs counter inside . But Pete noticed that the Haagen Dazs didn 't open until 1 : 00 and it was only 12 : 30 when we arrived . Pete went outside to look up other ice cream parlors on his phone . I bought a bottle of water from The General store and asked the cashier what time the ice cream opened . She said she was new and didn 't know , so she asked another employee . He said the Haagen Dazs opened at 1 : 00 but he could serve me some now if I wanted . Sweet ! I thanked him and called Pete , who came back inside , and we got some pre - opening Dazs . After ice cream lunch , we went to the Go Ape zipline park / high ropes course . It was awesome ! We got to spend 2 hours climbing up rope ladders , across cargo nets and rings and ziplining through the trees . Once we finished going ape , we went to Food Lion to buy burrito ingredients . Back at the cabin , we ate burritos and watched movies . Saturday morning we stopped for bagels then ran some trails at Yorktown State Park , which was peaceful and beautiful and reminded us of Ellison wetlands . We went back to the cabin to eat lunch and relax , then headed to Pete 's favorite tavern ( at the age of 40 , he has discovered a love of calzones , which they serve at this tavern ) to get dinner and watch the RIT hockey game on ESPNU . RIT lost at hockey but I won at eating pizza and crazy bread . On Easter Sunday , we went to Mama Steve 's Pancake House for breakfast . The waitresses were wearing these weird colonial dresses and the pancakes were actually quite terrible , in the way that makes for funny memories in retrospect . And there 's no one I 'd rathet eat terrible pancakes with than Pete . Lyric of the moment : " I been getting used to waking up with you . I been getting used to waking up here . Anywhere I go there you are , there you are . . . Everything is fine when your hand is resting next to mine . . . " ~ Vance Joy " Fire and the Flood " * I imagine it went something like this : " Ok guys , Virginia is for . . . ? Elephants ? Donkeys ? Construction workers ? No , wait , I 've got it . . . Lovers ! " This morning I woke up in the house that we now own . Outright . As in , yesterday I paid off our mortgage . We put a lot of money down when we bought the house , then once I sold my old house , we were able to pay off the rest of the mortgage on our new house . During my lunch break yesterday , I went to the bank to deposit the check and pay off the rest of our mortgage . The teller asked " Do you mean pay down or pay off ? " I said " Pay off . As in , the whole thing . " She asked me what the big check was from . Sometimes when strangers are nosy , I am really , really tempted to say something ridiculous like " Porn . It 's a really lucrative business . " You know , just to see their facial expressions , which would be priceless . But instead I told her the truth , that it was from the sale of my house . As she was processing the transactions , she said " Just to let you know , we have a special right now on a home equity line of credit . " Facepalm . The whole point of my visit to the bank was to pay off our debt , not accrue more . This is the first time I have ever owned a house , like really truly owned it , debt - free . It is a fantastic feeling . And also a bit surreal . How did this happen ? I could say that I worked hard and sacrificed and saved . But that 's really only a small part of it . The truth is that I got lucky . Lucky that I had parents who cared about me and taught me how to be a person in the world . Lucky that I met Bill , who gave me the job I 've had for the past 12 years . Lucky that I met Jeff , Stephen , Jeremy , Lucky , Mike , Mozzie , Danielle and Charlie and they came and lived with me at my house . Beyond lucky that I met Pete and he became my partner in creating an adventurous , hilarious , debt - free life . We have already done so many things together that I could never have done by myself . Somehow I am living a life that surpasses all my wildest , most impossible dreams . All because I was lucky enough to meet you . People are awesome . Marriage is awesomeness squared . Lyric of the moment : " Lucky I 'm in love with my best friend . Lucky to have been where I have been . Lucky to be coming home again . . . " ~ Jason Mraz " Lucky " This has been a weekend of spontaneous adventures involving trails , roads , hills , friends and bagels , which was just what I needed to keep me busy , tired and carb - filled . Saturday morning , Alison , Bob , Linda and I piled into Gus ( Pete 's van , which I am supposed to be occasionally using while he 's gone , so Gus doesn 't get all cranky from sitting around or lose any of his Fun Gus cred from disuse . Or something like that . ) and headed to Naples to run the trails at Hi - Tor . We were meeting up with a group to run the Muddy Sneaker course , which is 12ish miles of hills , hills and more freaking hills . It was a beautiful sunny day and the run was hilly and muddy and , for some people , even bloody . ( No one was seriously hurt or anything , but we joked that the race should be called Bloody Sneaker . As in literal blood from scrapes and falls , but also as in bloody hell , another endless hill ! ) . The actual race , in April , sold out before I got around to registering for it , so it was nice to have the chance to run it as a training run instead . Plus I got to run it with some of the most badass quinquagenarians I know . I really hope I 'm still doing this kind of stuff in 20 years . Saturday night I made myself lots of recovery foods ( vegetables , protein , tumeric smoothie . And animal crackers , because I like to eat things that look like animals but are not made out of animals ) , foam rolled , relaxed and fell asleep early . Sunday morning , Chris picked me up just before 5am ( really it felt like 4am due to the Daylight Savings Time change ) and we headed to Rock Hill , NY to run the Celebrate Life Half Marathon . I had never heard of this race or Rock Hill , NY . But Chris had called me Wednesday night asking if I wanted to go on an adventure on Sunday and I , of course , said yes . When adventure calls , the only answer is yes . He was filling in as the 1 : 40 pacer . I knew there was no way I could run that fast but I decided to go along and just use the race as a training run . The course was described as having rolling hills . And I figured running some more hills on tired legs after getting up stupidly awesomely early would be good training for the whole running - around - in - circles - in - the - dark - for - 12 - hours thing I 'm doing in July . ( Signing up for that nonsense will either be one of my best decisions or one of my worst . It remains to be seen ) . We arrived in Rock Hill with plenty of time before the 10am start ( Chris had to be there at 9am for pacer pictures and stuff ) . I was feeling pretty well recovered from Saturday 's shenanigans , but fifteen minutes before the start , while jogging back from the bathroom , I had two epiphanies : 1 ) Change into a short - sleeve shirt ( it was warmer and sunnier than I was expecting ) and 2 ) Don 't be stupid . As in , there are times to test your limits . And this is not one of those times . I haven 't followed a training plan in years . I just run , strength train , do yoga , have fun , and most importantly , try to avoid injury . So I decided I would run this race easy and relaxed . I told myself that under no circumstances should I ever be in front of the 1 : 50 pacer . If I caught up to him , which I did a couple of times , I slowed down a little and just focused on enjoying the views . It was a very scenic course , winding around Lake Louise Marie and Wolf Lake , though I did not see any Louises , Maries or wolves . I did see some cute lakeside cabins with signs out front that said things like " Dances with bears " and " This is happiness " ( and spectators with a sign saying " Hey Girl , you 're running a half marathon . I like that " next to a picture of Ryan Gosling . That is probably the best thing about road races ; you can usually count on someone bringing the Gosling ) . I felt good the whole way , with the exception of the ball of my left foot , which started hurting a little towards the end . I think I 'm just not used to running that far on roads , as most of my distance miles are on trails . Chris had run back out to meet me during his cooldown and ran the last half mile with me , which was downhill and awesome . We got some food , got back on the road , and listened to the rest of the book on tape Chris had brought . I had never listened to a book on tape before . This one was totally worth it for the scene in which a security guard is being chased by a spitting llama with a spider monkey ( named Frog ) on its back . Hilarious ! We arrived in Rochester around 5pm , making it a 12 hour adventure day ! It was a gorgeous sun and run - filled weekend . The whole time I was running , all I could think was how lucky I am . To have a body that supports all these crazy adventures . To have friends who make all the days more awesome . And even to feel so sad when Pete is away , because it means that he is such an important and irreplaceable part of my life , and I never ever imagined that I would find someone like him or be living a life like this . Lyric of the moment : " Let 's dance to joy division . And celebrate the irony . Everything is going wrong . But we 're so happy . Let 's dance to joy division . And raise our glass to the ceiling . ' Cause this could all go so wrong . But we 're just so happy . Yeah , we 're so happy . . . " ~ The Wombats " Let 's Dance To Joy Division " ( Because it 's true . That 's why it 's on my Deployment Sucks playlist . ) Wilbur . He loved to run free . He never met a fence he couldn 't climb over . If someone left a gate or a door open a fraction of a second too long , he 'd already snuck out of it , smiling as he ran away . To know Wilbur was to have spent time chasing him around the neighborhood . When the vets first diagnosed the cancerous tumor on his face , they said he had only 6 months to live . That was over 6 years ago . But Wilbur finally met something from which he could not escape . The cancer grew too big and he grew too old to have any more surgeries to remove it . My dad let him loose on the beach one last time and then had to take him to the vet to be put down . I can only hope I 'll be lucky enough to go out the way he did , with one last run and then a nice long sleep . Wilbur lived a good , long doggy life doing what he loved , running , howling at squirrels and pawing at people until they pet him . He was a wanderer , an explorer through and through , sometimes running around for hours until we found him . He even went on a long road trip when my parents moved from New York to Florida ( How he didn 't manage to escape from the car during that trip is a miracle . He once jumped out of my mom 's convertible while she was driving ) . Mr . Bu was all things wild and free and good . May he rest ( and run ) in peace . Lyric of the moment : " Some of us are different . It 's just something in our blood . There 's no need for explanations . We 're just dogs on the run . . . " ~ Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers " Dogs On The Run " Thursday night , after catching two flights , I was sitting in traffic in a rental car . I was supposed to be meeting Pete so we could spend the weekend together and celebrate his 40th birthday . But I still had at least an hour 's drive to get to the hotel . My second flight had been delayed because of a broken latch on one of the overhead luggage bins . We had to wait for a mechanic to come and tape the compartment closed and put a crooked sign on it that said " Not for passenger use . " Apparently only an official plane mechanic is qualified to administer tape and crooked signs . I was tired . I was hungry . I was supposed to be seeing Pete and instead all I could see was a seemingly endless line of red tail lights . My eyes started to well up with tears of frustration . Then Less Than Jake 's 867 5309 ( Jenny ) came on the radio and I laughed and started singing along . Then I saw a sign that said " Tunnel 3 miles . Check Gas , " and I laughed and wondered how many cars ran out of gas in the tunnel before someone decided a warning sign was necessary . As a kid , I remember being so excited to drive through this tunnel . Under the water ! Like some kind of magic ! As an adult , crawling along in traffic at barely 25mph , the " Maintain 55mph " signs seemingly mocking me , the tunnel experience was decidedly less magical . But then I thought , I literally flew through the air and drove under the water to get here , to see Pete . If that isn 't magic , I don 't know what is . The traffic eased up , I made it to the hotel and finally got to see Pete . I checked into my hotel , then we walked over to where his unit had been staying . Pete showed me all his gear and had me try on his body armor to show me how heavy it was . The vest must weigh at least 50 lbs . It 's not like those Kevlar vests you see the police wearing in movies . This was like trying to walk while giving someone a piggy back and someone else a piggy front ( I don 't even know if that 's a thing . The point is , armor is seriously heavy , man . I think there is a lesson in there , something about the tI don 't think Pete realized that marrying me would mean stopping to take photos with every single bear we ever encounter . Mwahahaha ! I have a feeling this year is going to be a lesson . In patience . In love . In gratitude . And a reminder that our time together is uncertain and never enough . This year , sure . But all the years . We don 't know how much time we get . But we can make whatever time we do have count . Lyric of the moment : " And everything you thought you had , has gone to shit . But we 've got a lot , don 't ever forget that . . . " ~ Margot And The Nuclear So And So 's " Broadripple Is Burning " Some call me Robot . Some call me Jen . I am ridiculously lucky and just plain ridiculous . I want to run all the miles , go on all the adventures , have all the conversations and eat all the cookies . You too ? Let 's be friends . You can reach me here : jen @ fromrobotwithlove . org View my complete profile

They don 't tell you your news - brain will get turned on and you are always thinking news news NEWS . Do we need this ? If so , only on the website , or in the paper ? Does it need to hit social media immediately or can it wait a bit ? Is it going to cause a rash of insane comments on social media , and do we have someone who can police those for the next few hours ? Did we already have this yesterday ? What do you MEAN , we covered this last week ? Are you sure ? Then why does the local news have it today as if it 's new ? Is this on one of the feeds we can use ? No , Buzzfeed isn 't reputable . No , we can 't use that . No , seriously , I mean it , stop that . They don 't tell you that you 'll be really , REALLY tired . Like , almost all the time . It 's amazing any newsing gets done with how tired the staff of our news organizations are . They also don 't tell you , however , you will love this job so much you don 't MIND the above . That you 'll work those extra minutes that add up to extra hours and not even notice you 've done it . That you work through the exhaustion . ( Especially on election night , which never , ever ends . I might still be working last election night , is how long that night lasts . ) That the news part of your brain being turned on all the time is actually something you 'll like . That your teeny - tiny paycheck 's tough to handle , but since you 're working insane hours , when would you have time to spend that money , anyway ? Mostly you 're spending it on fast food and your cell phone bill anyway . You kind of put your head down and work and work and work , and then on your days off sometimes you work from a distance and try to run a few errands and sleep and sleep and sleeeeep . You kind of forget there 's an outside world except you see it a little on television . It looks nice . There 's sunshine and people seem to fall in love a lot there . How do they find the time ? It 's utterly perplexing . HOWEVER ! Sometimes a magical thing comes up that reminds me that there is , surprisingly enough , life outside of work ! And I can take advantage of it ! Yes ! IT IS TRUE ! Last week , Lisa sent me a message that she 'd be in New York City soon . Well ! This is MUCH better and less - likely to end in me being stabmurdered than me hopping a hobo train ! So after some finagling ( ok , finagling really just involved me asking my wonderful supervisor , " Can I have this date off ? " and her saying , " You got it ! " because my coworkers are the best EVER ) I am set and prepared to meet Lisa in REALLY REAL LIFE . Eeee ! I have , stupidly , moved a zillion miles away from New York City . I moved in exactly the wrong direction . It used to take me a little under 3 hours to get there ; now it will take me about 6 . My options are a long drive and a reasonable train ride or a short drive and a VERY LONG bus ride . There are pros and cons to each of these options . I have about a month to decide which of them I 'll choose , so I 'm not rushing that yet . It 's not like it matters , because at the end will be Lisa ! We have already decided there will be many shenanigans , no matter what we decide to do while we are there . We 've known each other virtually for … oh , almost three and a half years now ? It 's high time for some face - time shenanigans . We will be bringing Andreas along in spirit , because the only thing that could make this trip better would be having Andreas along for the ride . Lisa thought maybe he could create a wormhole and travel to New York to be with us with that since he is , after all , Lucy 's Football 's Science Fellow , but I 've asked and he said it wasn 't feasable . SIGH , SCIENCE ! Letting us all down ! One should never go too far without one 's Science Fellow . Who knows when you 'd need to science ? Without him there , you 'd be bereft ! ( Also , having spent substantial time with Andreas over the last couple of years , I can tell you he is one of the best humans in the world … but he 'll deny that because he is also VERY humble . ) So : yes . For the most part , I couldn 't be happier to be an underpaid , overworked employee of the best newspaper in Northern New York * ( * fine , I might be a little biased , but I 'm also right . ) But it 's also nice ( better than nice ) to have a little life to look forward to after this very long , very slow - death winter is close to over with . New York City in the spring is filled with singular magic . It couldn 't be more perfect for meeting one of the most magical people I know . And the face of someone who didn 't sleep much last night . Trust me , the lady 's excited . More so than she can say . Bouncing - off - the - walls so . That 's the face that , in less than 24 hours , Andreas will be seeing in Stockholm when I get off the plane before we make our grand trip to the land of the Finns . Dad 's pretty sure I 'll come back a commie , and so I 've taken to answering all his questions with " DA , KOMRADE ! " and he does NOT like that at ALL , and I told him I promised that , every new person I meet , I 'd ask to see their arms , to see if they had two , and then ask if they were a truck driver , and as long as they passed those tests , we 'd know they weren 't one - armed truck drivers like he thinks everyone on the internet is , and he was SO UPSET by this and he said " do not . DO NOT DO THAT . Then they 'll know you 're onto them and they 'll throw you in the gulag ! There are no cell phones or showers in the gulag ! " There will be many adventures , and many surprises , and I hope to have a minute to share them on here ( I do have a nine - hour layover on the way home - don 't ask - so that might give me a little blogging time … ) because I think you might like to see some of the most fabulous bloggers in all the land in the same place and time . I plan on taking a lot of photos . A LOT . My camera might explode . 16 days in Europe . Here we go , you guys . It 's only been in the planning stages for the last 14 months … and surprisingly , I can 't believe it 's already here . Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pocket ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . 18 Comments | posted in Europe , Finland , friends , travel , vacation February 3 , 2014 This happens . This is something that happens . By lucysfootball I am watching Magnolia . It is my favorite movie . This probably says a lot about me ; mostly about the fact that I can relate , all - too - well , to broken people , to people with flaws that run deep and don 't ever let them go , not completely . I 'm watching Magnolia today because Philip Seymour Hoffman died , and I wanted to see him in one of my favorite roles of his , in my favorite movie . I wanted to just have a minute to say my goodbye to someone whose work I respect a great deal , and whose death I 'm taking maybe a little too hard because that 's a thing I do . I am talking to someone I love about how much this movie means to both of us , how much it affected us back in the days when we weren 't yet part of each other 's lives , and I am crying over this movie , and I am crying over this particular magic , this thing that brings people together at just the right time , in just the right place . Magnolia has the recurring theme of coincidence , and connection , and how we 're all intertwined ; how the smallest action can turn into the one thing that your entire life hinges on . I like this . This is the magic I hold onto in life . This is what I hang around for ; those little moments where you can almost see the greater plan peeking through the velvet curtains at the edge of things . And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just " something that happened . " This cannot be " one of those things " … This , please , cannot be that . And for what I would like to say , I can 't . This was not just a matter of chance . Oh , these strange things happen all the time . Once upon a time , I lived across the country . That iteration of Amy was not one I am proud of . I suppose you need to learn from your past , from your mistakes , to form the person you are today ; if that 's the case , the mistakes I made , and troubles I dealt with , while living in the western part of the country , built a big old foundation upon which to position this life , the life I am proud of . I worked at a theater there , for a while . I was one of the broken people , while there . I drifted . I was lost . I was doing what I could to survive . I was in and out of disastrous relationships and crushes on the least - likely candidates . I cried a lot . I was one of those thousand - yard - stare people you kind of see on the periphery . I loved my time at the theater , though . It was brief - probably 8 months , all - told - but it seems longer , in my mind . I found family there . For someone as lost and alone as I was , this was huge . I had people , and I had a place to go , and I felt like I belonged . I was still broken , and I was still lost , but I had a tiny corner where things could be alright . ( Theater 's saved me many times , and I have no doubt it will again - this is a good example of one of those times . ) But I screwed it up , as I did many things back then . Things got hard , and I got nervous , and I eventually shut myself off from everyone I loved there . I left and didn 't go back . I had reasons , which were varied ( and kind of ridiculous , and even as screwed - up as I was , I knew they were ridiculous ) but when the going gets tough , a lot of times , I just put up walls and make ' em thick . No one gets in . I don 't go out . And I can pretend I made that choice ! I don 't need anyone ! But really what made the choice is the fact that I 'm depressed and I 'm freaking out and it 's easier to not have anyone in your life when that happens . People are just a complication , right ? I think I ended up saying goodbye to maybe two of the theater people when I left the state . I didn 't even think that might be hurtful . I just wanted out , and I wanted to get back to where I thought I could rebuild , and things might start to be ok . And things were ok . More than ok , actually . I got my fresh start , both due to the change of scenery and a change in me . I didn 't want to be that person anymore . I wanted to be someone else - someone who didn 't hide , someone who had friends , someone who had more blue - sky days than black - cloud days . It 's amazing how far a change in attitude can take you . It wasn 't overnight - the person I was hung around longer than I care to admit - but eventually , I shed most of her off , I kept what worked , and I became the person I am now : flawed , sure , but happy . And happy begets happy . Happy draws IN happy . It 's something I never knew , and something I was so joyful to discover . I compartmentalized who I used to be ; I didn 't shut it off , because you can 't deny things that happened , but I didn 't let it color me , either . I 'm friends with a few people from those days in the now ; BFF is one of them , and Mer another . They 're my best takeaways from that time , and I wouldn 't trade them for anything . I 'm peripherally friends with a few others on Facebook , but you know how Facebook is . You like a status here and there , but it 's what you put into it , and we 've grown too far apart to mend those fences . I don 't know that we really care enough to , honestly . The dating site sends you a list of people it thinks are good matches for you . ( Strangely , most of these people are what I would consider exactly the opposite of a " good match , " but that 's neither here nor there . ) The other day , I was idly paging through them ( an audio track of me doing this would be " no , " " ugh , OMG , no , " " where are your CLOTHES ? " , and " Why does this site think I want to date a 62 - old - man ? " ) and I saw a photo of someone that looked very familiar . Now , I 'd assumed at some point I 'd run into someone I knew . It was kind of inevitable . It 's a big area , but not THAT big . I 'm not going to DATE anyone I kn0w - if I wanted to date people I knew , would I be on the dating site to begin with ? - but it wasn 't someone I knew from HERE . It was someone I knew from the theater from all those years ago . J . , who 'd run the theater ; who 'd been the one who took me in to begin with , who gave me the family I was too closed off to accept as fully as I should have . I hadn 't seen J . in twelve years . We weren 't Facebook friends . We 'd dropped off each other 's radar . Not out of spite or any sort of hard feelings ; I liked J . I just lost touch with J . , and then compartmentalizing that part of my life hadn 't led me to look up people from that time . Honestly ? I didn 't know if they 'd remember me . I 'd been a bit of a ghost . At first , didn 't even believe it WAS J . - I did a Google seach first , to see if he really was in the area . But it was him . He was here , somehow . And after sending him what was probably the goofiest message ever ( but , in my defense , he replied with an equally " ZOMG ! " email ) we met up for dinner the other night . Dinner became over three hours of talking and catching up and laughing and utter amazement over the fact that it had been twelve years and here we were , and we both looked pretty much the same ( few more gray hairs , maybe , but it wasn 't like we were unrecognizable to one another ) and how was he here ? And what had happened in the past twelve years ? And we caught up over food and the time melted away and I remembered some of the good things from all that time ago ; that everything wasn 't terrible , not all the time , and the good things I brought forward with me were the things that made my friendship with J . still work . ( And before you all get excited : no , this is not a love connection . I care about J . a great deal , but it 's never been THAT kind of relationship , and never will be . Solid friendship with nothing more behind it . Sorry to burst your bubble , all of you rooting for me to find love on the interwebz . ) J . is here working at one of the local colleges , rebooting their theater program . ( Can 't think of anyone better to do it ; he 's got this energy that just beams from him . ) Things have been going well for him ; he 's also had a good twelve years . He also realized he needed a fresh start and took his life in a different direction . And I have to admit , it was nice to tell him what I 'd been up to ; I didn 't have much to be proud of then , but now I can say things like " writing for the paper " and " traveling to Europe in the spring " and " published a book " and MEAN all of them . And J . and I made plans to get together again , and soon ; if the world hands you a coincidence like this , you don 't waste it . You grab that puppy with both damn hands . I can 't wait to introduce him to the theater scene ; the first time we met , he took me in , and made the introductions , and I was just given the chance to return the favor . And there is the account of the hanging of three men , and a scuba diver , and a suicide . There are stories of coincidence and chance , of intersections and strange things told , and which is which and who only knows ? And we generally say , " Well , if that was in a movie , I wouldn 't believe it . " Someone 's so - and - so met someone else 's so - and - so and so on . And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time . And so it goes , and so it goes . And the book says , " We may be through with the past , but the past ain 't through with us . " If the past ain 't through with me , I 'm cool with that . I take the magic of the world where it 's given . If the world wants to bring back an old friend when I 'm finally at the point in my life when I can appreciate him ? I 'll take that magic . With thanks . And tears . And wonder . By lucysfootball The weather 's getting colder ( and , although I 've been resisting it , I think it 's about time I turn on the heat in here . The cat 's been all up in my business over the past few days , and although it 's flattering , I think it 's less " LOVE YOU , MOM ! " and more " ZOMG WOMAN ! I AM CHILLY ! " ) Thanksgiving 's just a few weeks away , and you know what THAT means . Christmas is right around the corner . Haven 't decided what I 'm doing about Thanksgiving this year . I get two days off , but have to be here Friday night for a theater review ( and Saturday for work . ) But since I 'm not able to go home for Christmas again this year ( sincerely , Christmas on a Wednesday ? HIGHLY unhelpful , especially since we don 't get the day before or after off ) it might be nice to jet home quickly , see my family , get some delicious foodstuffs , and then come back in time to review the show Friday night . I don 't usually go home for Thanksgiving , and my family 's not expecting me , but it might be a nice surprise . ( And it 'd be really nice to have home cooking one night . Thanksgiving dinner is the best . ) But since it 's Christmas alone again this year , I 'm not going to fall into the trap of last year . Last year 's Christmas was just about the worst Christmas ever . I had the flu ; I was super - depressed on TOP of the flu ; I didn 't get to go home so my parents came to visit and gave me gifts but I was so sick with the flu I barely remembered their visit and after they left I fell asleep for 6 hours in the middle of the day ; and once I opened presents on Christmas day I went back to bed for the rest of the day , pretty much , and also cried a little and took a lot of Nyquil hoping it would make the fever go away ( it didn 't . ) I also couldn 't do presents or cards , because I 'd been unemployed for months leading up to the holiday and didn 't have enough money to do Christmas right . Or at all , actually . THIS year , I have PLANS . First , I totally got my flu shot . BAM , FLU ! Unless some weird flu not covered by the flu shot shows up , I am COVERED . I will not spend four days alternately freezing and sweating and eating and then vomiting toast . MERRY CHRISTMAS HERE ' S THE FLU , said 2012 . ( Also , this is the first year I 've gotten a flu shot that I haven 't immediately gotten sick afterward . So either that was a flu shot that didn 't work or I 've become titanium and IMPERVIOUS TO ILLNESS . I 'm going to go with the latter . That 'd be nice , right ? Because last winter I had the flu and then like three random colds one on top of the other and I think I spent more on Dayquil and Kleenex than I did on anything else . They should have let me write those off on my tax return . ) I also have all the plans for Christmas . Lists have already been made . Some gifts have already been purchased ; as soon as I write this , more will be purchased . ( Can I just say thank goodness for the interwebs ? I hate shopping in stores . I love shopping from the comfort of my couch . THANK YOU , INTERWEBS ! ) My Christmas card list is made . Addresses all in a little row . I know what I 'm getting for everyone ; I know how much delight everyone will have upon opening their gifts . I know what I 'm baking and I know what I 'm crafting . I have a plan for my free time between now and December 25 . Decorating and baking and shopping and watching of Christmas movies and wrapping and mailing and totally making up for being an absentee human last Christmas . But until then : lots to do . Only 42 days left ! Plotting and planning and scheming take time , my little candy canes ! Time to go buy some presents ! * whoosh * By lucysfootball I am officially home from my long weekend of adventure . I took Wednesday off so I could loaf . So far , I have not loafed ; I 've been doing a billion things like laundry and grocery shopping and library - visiting . ( There was some sort of toddler story - hour happening when I was there and the cuteness quotient in the lobby was OFF THE DAMN CHARTS , yo . I can 't even tell you . ) Let 's see . When we left off , Heather had arrived , and we were awaiting the arrival of the lovely Laura . Heather and I decided to go pick up Laura while sj made dinner , and we were going to stop at the grocery store on the way home . So we went to pick up Laura . On our way , we drove past an exit for " Powhite Parkway , " which made me laugh SO HARD . " There 's probably a lot of trash along Powhite Parkway , " Heather mused wisely . Then we were at Laura 's house ! And Laura lives in the most beautiful old apartment . The ceilings are the highest you 've ever seen , and there are fireplaces and it 's decorated in this amazing kitschy way that is so amazing . And there was Laura , who is still adorable , whether she lives in New York OR Virginia ! ( Perhaps more adorable in Virginia , because she 's so happy that you can just see the glow in her eyes . ) I promised Heather I was only taking a photo of what we were shopping for . I lied . Sincerely , though , she is ADORABLE . How could I not take a photo of her ? Listen , the sign said screams started here . It 's like we HAD to do this photo , yo . WE DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE . ( Side note : I think the people who worked at the Kroger may or may not have hated us . For good reason . ) We talked and ate and watched The Amazing Race ( which is a LOT of fun when you can talk about it with real people in real time - usually sj and I text each other through it , but face - to - face is AWESOME ) and then got kids to bed ( and Heather to bed , because she had to leave the next day ! ) and sj and Laura and I watched The Walking Dead . This might have been the most fun I 've ever had watching The Walking Dead , because listen , Laura is HYSTERICAL . She would come out with these things all matter - of - factly like " That little bitch is sick . What 's up with them sweat - feet ? " and I 'd laugh so hard I 'd have trouble breathing . You have to imagine it in Laura 's southern accent , though . It 's better that way . More realistic . The next day , Laura and Heather left in the early afternoon after we sat around and talked as much as we could squeeze into the morning . It was sad to see them go . We had the best time , the four of us . Sincerely . Among other things ( like the sheer fact that they 're three amazing women ) it 's really nice to meet people who get you . Who get the internet references and the blogging stuff and who , when you mention someone by their Twitter handle , know what you 're talking about , and who , if you talk about the GoodReads controversy , don 't say , " What 's that ? A website ? Who cares ? " It 's also amazing ( and rare ) to be around people you feel completely comfortable with . Because usually I 'm awkward panda . Then it was a napping - day . We were all very quiet and sleepy and many naps were taken . sj totally came to check on me at one point and I was all sacked out on the loveseat drooling and snoring . ( SHUT IT . I am the least sexy sleeper in the history of the world . I own that shit . How can you even change something like that ? I mean , it 's not like you can train yourself to be a sexy sleeper like in the soap operas . I work hard , I play hard , and I sleep hard . And UGLY . BAM , yo . ) At one point I watched some episodes of a show called Ni Hao , Kai - Lan with sj 's little girl . This is what I learned about this show : there is a monkey on this show who is such an asshole . I don 't know how anyone would be friends with this monkey . ( You have to suspend your disbelief when watching this - all the animals talk , and are this girl Kai - Lan 's friends . ) This monkey , Ho Ho , is constantly yelling at people , and kicking tigers , and refusing to play games unless HE can pick them , and will never try new foods . And he learns important lessons , whatever , like new things can be good , sometimes . But mostly what I learned is , if I was Kai - Lan , I would tell Ho Ho to take a hike - hike , because he is the WORST . I told sj 's daughter he was the worst and she was all , " NO . " ( He totally is , though . ) But at the end of the night it was time for MORE ADVENTURE ! sj 's husband COOKED for us . He is an amazing chef ( like , the opposite of me , who just had a Lean Cuisine for lunch ) and went all out . We totally had fajitas . But not JUST fajitas . He made fajitas AND salsa AND guacamole - all from SCRATCH - and I just want to say that it was , most likely , one of the most delicious things I 've ever eaten . EVER . And I don 't even like beef ( much ) OR peppers . But somehow , it was THE BEST THING EVER . ( Also , somehow I 've gone almost 40 years without ever having fajitas . And I love Mexican food . I don 't know , either . I 'm weird about food . You all know that . ) We were watching a movie while we ate them and I seriously didn 't even TALK while I was eating . I was in a good food FUGUE STATE . I utterly cannot imagine that I will ever eat fajitas that are that delicious again . ( THANK YOU , JEFF ! ) PS , I totally meant to take a photo of the fajitas but I was too busy eating them ALL UP with my FACE . Didn 't even take a break for photography . SO SO GOOD . Oh , and as a side - note , sj ALSO made delicious food for us , like split - pea soup ( which is one of my favorite things EVER ) and the best homemade pizza and macaroni and cheese ( HOMEMADE mac and cheese , YUM ) and Rice Krispie Treats which we totally went to TOWN on while they were still warm and gooey and DELICIOUS . I really need to start cooking more , don 't I ? Lean Cuisines don 't count as cooking , do they ? Huh . Then the next day was going - home day . Long train ride ahead of me . Many hours trainbound . Also , how is it possible that , even though I 'd given away a lot of things OUT of my luggage , and only had a few new things IN my luggage , it was virtually impossible to close my bags ? I 'm the worst packer . Sincerely . I alternately slept and read and watched a movie on the way home . ( What did we do before laptops and Kindles ? They might be the best things ever . ) I watched Les Miserables , finally . I liked it , but I think I like the stage show more . There were some changes made I wasn 't down with . ( Doesn 't mean I didn 't get a little teary - eyed now and then , though . ) I mostly had my seat to myself until a VERY OFFICIOUS ASSHAT sat with me from Maryland to New York City and took up more than his seat with all of this gear and his cell phone calls and his important gesticulations and that was annoying . Otherwise , all was well . And when I got home , there was a VERY UPSET DUMBCAT who was all , " MOM MOM MOM I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD MOM MOM MOM " and has not left my side since I got here . Very vocal , my boy . He even meowed at me while he was eating cat treats . MEOW MOM MEOW ! DON ' T EVER LEAVE AGAIN MEOW ! Poor guy . So lonely . So there was my weekend of adventure , and bloggity meetups , and laughing and talking and television - watching and napping . It was a very grand adventure , and now it 's back to work and theater reviewing and such . But things are going to be a little quieter now - not so much going on at the moment - so I can relax a little , do some writing and reading and relaxing . Aaahh . Thank you , sj , for hosting a weekend of adventure , and Heather and Laura , for making the trip , and I love your faces . Big hugs to you all for being amazing women and just as wonderful face - to - face as you are on the interwebs . All the love . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Dudu 's father was killed when he stepped on a land mine during a recent war . His uncle Moses has become the head of the family but the bar Moses owns is failing and he 's convinced that there is sorcery keeping him from succeeding . The local tradition is to blame adversity on children , accusing them of witchcraft and paying a minister to perform unspeakably cruel exorcisms to frighten away the demons by which they 're allegedly possessed . The " ministers " who perform these rituals are , in fact , only after power and money . You can figure out where this is headed . Dudu and his younger brother are accused of witchcraft and Dudu must escape . Frank finds out about the exorcisms and discovers that they 're not even considered newsworthy by the locals , so he makes it his mission to bring attention to the children 's plight . Eventually , he meets Dudu but I didn 't make it to that point . First , let me just say that I would not have made it so far if this book wasn 't solidly written . There were a few times I thought , " This sentence could stand some tightening , " and I 've mentally crossed out a few words , but Child Witch Kinshasa is a compelling story and it 's based on a current practice . Children are still being accused of witchcraft and tortured . When the author pitched his book to me , I was not interested for pretty much the same reason I can 't bear to read on , but he was persistent because it 's important to him . I think the story is an important one because it 's something that - - much like human trafficking - - exists and is known but not necessarily widely . And , because it 's culturally embedded , the practice is not likely to stop without some sort of outside intervention . So , the more people know about child exorcism in the Congo , the more likely something will be done to stop it . Also , it really is a pretty good read . It seems odd to say that the reading was going pretty quickly and yet I stopped . I don 't very often abandon a book because it unsettles me . I 'm okay with being unsettled . But , if I start to feel like I 'd rather not read at all than continue , it 's time to move on . Child Witch Kinshasa is a self - published novel by Mike Ormsby ( CreateSpace ) . I know it 's available at Amazon but beyond that I 'm uncertain . I received my copy directly from the author . There is a sequel : Child Witch London . I was kind of hoping I 'd tolerate the book so I could read its sequel , since I love a London setting . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Last week was a pretty bad week , at least at the beginning , in case you were wondering about the lack of posts . When it rains heavily , our internet service hiccups so badly that it 's often not even worth bothering to try to get online and we had storms , storms , storms ( which also meant migraine trouble ) . I also had a blog issue I had to deal with and since the " hide " button seems to have disappeared , I temporarily set the blog to private mode while I was making sure I had caught everything that needed to be fixed . If you know how to remove a blog from view at Blogger without going to the extreme of changing the privacy setting , please let me know . I decided to go ahead and bulldoze my way through Extreme Food but it wasn 't anywhere near the cringe - worthy read I expected , in the end . Yes , there are times he talks about really disgusting ideas for meals ( worms and eggs cooked together - - I don 't like eggs on their own so they wouldn 't be much help in disguising the taste of worms - - and other bugs and slimy things ) but there was less of that than anticipated and I learned a few things . Chief among them was how an alligator kills people with a " death roll " . Coincidentally , there was just an article about a man saving his son from an alligator in the news , today . So glad that story had a happy ending . Here 's that story about a father saving his son from an alligator attack . I haven 't actually finished The Pearl but I 'm about to , as soon as I finish up this post . There 's yet another storm brewing . I 'd better hurry . I can already say The Pearl is my least favorite Steinbeck but I do love his writing style . Currently reading : No Pamela , again , but I keep telling myself I 'm going to get back to finishing Pamela , eventually . Child Witch Kinshasa is a chunkster so it may take me all week , depending upon how much reading time I manage to squeeze in . Usually , when I 'm reading a chunkster I add some other reading material to give me the occasional break but I haven 't chosen what I 'll read after I finish The Pearl . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Yep , the ever - patient Fiona got another squashing from her little sister , Isabel . They were both hanging out on my legs while I read on the bed . That 's pretty rare and , of course , I loved it . Kiddo ( who graduated from college and is temporarily moving home ) had cranked the air conditioner down so low that we were all cold . So . . . I hadn 't actually finished a single book till this weekend and I 'm really , really happy that there was an excuse to sit and read . The guys were away , working on cleaning and emptying Kiddo 's apartment and that meant I had a nice , long stretch of quiet time . The only really pressing thing I needed to do around the house was laundry . At some point , I completely ran out of laundry ! ! Cool or what ? I 'm not the most focused person but I got 3 books finished and 5 loads of laundry done . On to the malarkey . Such a great reading weekend . Crooked Heart ( a July release ) is a WWII book that is absolutely pitch - perfect and by far one of my favorite reads of 2015 . Life in a Box is a Pretty Life is a hard read - - poetry about painful topics : being black , being a woman , being victim - blamed , racially profiled or judged based on color or sexuality . Her writing style is odd and cryptic ; at times I felt like I was trying to decipher code . But , sometimes it just smacks you in the face . It is really powerful stuff . And , of course , Eleanor & Park . Everyone I know has read it . Friend Tammy insisted that I must read it urgently so I checked it out from the library , whipped through it , and then had to chew out all my friends for not telling me it 's got an ugly - cry ending . I was so not expecting the waterworks . . . and I 'm telling you , it just went on and on . What a moving book . Oh , who knows . No Pamela , last week . I 'm halfway through Extreme Food by Bear Grylls but I 'm in the yucky part . Maybe will try to barrel through that so I can move on . And , I 'll probably start a new fiction read , tonight , but I haven 't yet decided between the three that are calling out to me . I did not manage to finish The Boys in the Boat before my F2F meeting but I keep telling myself , " One chapter a night would be good . That way you 'll eventually finish ! " and then I pick up whatever fiction I 'm reading , instead . So , it 's hard to say what will happen ( well , not too difficult , actually ) . The discussion was great . I suspect the problem has more to do with the fact that I 'm reading an e - book than anything else . I really , truly dislike e - books . But , maybe the topic is just not my thing . This week 's vacation obsession is Europe . I haven 't been there , not really . I mean , a weekend in France , that 's all . So , I 'm pondering a trip to Europe alone , maybe on a tour with a bunch of old ladies . Husband actually thinks that would be fine and dandy since he 's been so many places without me . Anyone want to go on an old - lady tour with me ? © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Isabel was studiously ignoring my attempts to photograph her when she heard a noise . Love the curious look . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Behind a row of mulberry trees was our neighbor 's orchard , separated from ours by a high clay wall . As I spent more time in the shade of the mulberry trees , I began to feel I wasn 't alone . It was different from the time I 'd seen my guardian angel . This time the presence felt earthly . This time the presence sneezed . ~ p . 38 of Advance Reader Copy , When the Moon is Low ( some changes may have been made to the final print version ) While I was reading When the Moon is Low , I mentioned that I had to reread the first 22 pages because they didn 't leave an impression and that I was continuing to find it a struggle to get into . It is , as I said , a quiet and very understated sort of novel . But , I wanted to give the book a fair shot and , while the pace was fairly slow , particularly in the beginning , I did eventually find that I wanted to know what was going to happen . When the Moon is Low tells the story of Fereiba . Beginning when she was a small child and realized that she was the cause of her mother 's death ( from childbirth complications ) , Fereiba describes her distant father , the arrival of a stepmother and several sisters and her first love . I 'm pretty sure that her marriage is the ending of Book 1 , but I just flipped through the book and couldn 't find the dividing line . Fereiba 's arranged marriage , though , begins an entirely different phase of her life . After marriage , Fereiba and her husband have two children . He works as an engineer and she is a teacher but the Taliban 's power ends her career . When tragedy strikes and Fereiba is left to manage on her own , that 's really when the book becomes particularly interesting . At one point , a heavily pregnant Fereiba is in pain and tries to make her way to the hospital but she 's sent home because the man accompanying her ( a neighbor ) is neither her husband or a relative . And , the view of life as a refugee is also fascinating . I 've read about what it 's like for refugees , having to sell their possessions to pay ridiculous fees to people smugglers , only to end up begging in a country that allows no path to citizenship or caught and sent back to the country from which one escaped . When the Moon is Low does a very good job of giving you perspective of the refugee experience . There 's a lot to think about . I disliked the slow pace of When the Moon is Low , but once I became invested in the lives of Fereiba and Saleem ( and the other two children , who have lesser roles ) , I did find myself eager to get back to the reading , each day . But , I gave the book only a slightly above - average rating , both because of the pace and the fact that it 's good but not a particularly elegant work of writing . There were times I felt the urge to reach for a red pen . I did find the ending satisfying and I 'm glad I read When the Moon is Low . I have not read Nadia Hashimi 's first book , The Pearl that Broke its Shell , so I can 't compare the two . Recommended - While not a favorite , When the Moon is Low is a fairly well - written book that nicely illuminates both the changes in Afghanistan that took place upon the rise of the Taliban and what it 's like to be a refugee . I found the storytelling slightly devoid of emotion . There were moments that it was tense or deeply sad or frightening ; it 's well plotted if slow - paced . I just never felt any huge rush of emotion during those moments . Still , a good book that I recommend for a time when you want to read a quiet , character - centered novel . Side note : In the ARC , Fereiba 's husband is described as a mechanical engineer , although it sounds like the work he does is that of a civil engineer . I noticed he 's described as a civil in one of the book blurbs I read , so that little detail may reflect one of those rare instances in which something was changed prior to publication . I don 't have access to a finished copy ( it 's not out yet , after all ) , so I 'm unable to find out if a change has been made . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . You already know I won Keep Your Friends Close and another of title from the author , Paula Daly , if you hang around here much . Well , I was just emerging from a slower - paced title and craving a quicker pace when the two books walked in the door . I kept looking at this one and I love the cover ; it 's appealing in a creepy way and just looked like something suspenseful enough to keep the pages flying . So , I gave in within 24 hours of the book 's arrival . Good decision . Keep Your Friends Close is the story of Natty , a woman whose family owns a hotel and house next door to each other in England 's Lake District . How Natty and her husband Sean managed to acquire such a prime bit of property is never mentioned but they have succeeded due to a lot of hard work , drive extraordinarily expensive cars to show for it , and clearly cater to a wealthy clientele . Natty is obsessive to the point of neglecting her husband and even her health . She 's growing a bit too thin . Her children are her other priority . Alice is a bit sulky . Felicity is more laid - back . Felicity is on a school trip to France as the book opens and Natty is cleaning like a madwoman . She 's so obsessive about cleanliness that it 's almost a family joke ; she even follows the maids , whom she thinks not quite dedicated enough to do the job right . Natty 's best friend from college is dropping by for a visit . Just as Eve arrives , though , Natty receives a dramatic call from Felicity 's teacher . Felicity has fallen ill and is in surgery . It 's unknown whether or not she 'll survive . Natty hastily packs and Eve offers to watch after Alice and the hotel but Sean can only get a single ticket on the next flight and Natty insists that she must be the one to go . Their manager is on vacation so Sean ends up remaining behind at Natty 's request , even when he 's able to join her . And , here is where the suspense begins . Eve is a dangerous woman who has set her sights on Sean , a man neglected enough that he 's easily wooed . By the time Natty and Felicity return , Sean and Eve are a couple . Shocked to her core , Natty becomes irrational and gets into a bit of trouble . But , when Natty begins to suspect that there 's something bigger going on than just a friend stealing her husband , she discovers that Eve is not the person she claims to be . Through the combined efforts of Natty and a detective named Joanne , Eve 's history begins to form . But , will it be too late for Natty and her family ? Highly recommended - A genuine page - turner . There were some moments that I thought , " This is a bit implausible , " but I didn 't care . I found Keep Your Friends Close addictively readable and was astonished at how many times the author surprised me . Just when I thought I knew what was going to happen next . . . nope , wrong again . And , every time I put it down I kept thinking , " Argh , I want to read ! ! ! " I love that . I 'm looking forward to reading the other Paula Daly book I won in that Twitter drawing and particularly recommend Keep Your Friends Close for beach , train or plane reading . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Ally is a little girl who likes dinosaurs and likes to pretend she is a dinosaur . On her first day of school , she isn 't able to take her stuffed dinosaurs but she can take her imagination with her . At first , things are a little off - kilter . While Ally - saurus ( the name she calls herself ) eats her snack with a roar , the other children are quiet and subdued . The entire book continues in this vein , with a crayon outline showing each child 's imagination at work . At times , Ally is dismayed by the reaction of others . But eventually she begins to settle in , finds friends , and realizes that other imaginations don 't have to match up with her own . Everyone can still have a great time playing pretend . Later in the book , Ally and her class go to the library , where they 're each allowed to check out a single book . Highly recommended - I absolutely love this creative story about imagination and being true to yourself . The crayon outline . . . I have a feeling I 've seen this somewhere in the past , but I 'm not certain . It 's a lovely way to show how a child is imagining herself . I know my children would have absolutely loved this story at a younger age and so would I . This one 's a keeper . Note : I received my copy of Ally - Saurus and The First Day of School from Sterling Kids in exchange for an honest review . My copy came with a poster that says , " Read a book and let your imagination RUN WILD ! Be a princess , a pirate , or even a dinosaur ! " The illustration is the one you see in the left page of the library scene , above . Perfect for classroom or library ! © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . I won both books from the author in a twitter drawing and had just finished reading a book with slow pacing so I was craving a fast - paced read . I chose Keep Your Friends Close because it sounded like the kind of book I was looking for . Sure enough , the pages flew . I just finished Keep Your Friends Close , last night , and it was extremely satisfying . More on that , later . Not a big posting week . I 've begun working on my Ally - saurus review ( a children 's book ) so hopefully that bodes well for a productive blogging week . If not , I 'm not going to sweat it . At some point , I need to restock my hurricane supplies because we do have a tropical depression on the verge of turning into a tropical storm in the Gulf . Although it looks like it 's not predicted to come our way , it serves as a good reminder that it 's time to stock up on water , batteries and dry foods . And , I suppose I should buy a couple fresh fire extinguishers , since we had a small kitchen fire yesterday ( no damage ) - another reminder that one should occasionally refresh the supply as extinguishers do have an expiration date , from my understanding . Pamela by Samuel Richardson - Didn 't read any of Pamela till last night and after reading a fast - paced suspense ? Argh , my eyes were rolling . I 'd really , really like to get done with Pamela soon , but I 'm not sure if this will be the week it happens . I haven 't settled on a second fiction read but I still have Bear Grylls ' book sitting by the bedside and will read more of it , today . I read a little bit of The Boys in the Boat By Daniel James Brown for F2F book group discussion and must admit I was bored out of my mind . Maybe it would be better to read a paper copy ? I keep finding myself looking at how many minutes I have till the end of the chapter . If you 've read The Boys in the Boat , tell me . . . does it improve ? I haven 't gotten very far . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Out of context , the excerpt above may sound odd but in Vaclav Havel 's Faustian play , Temptation , it 's actually pretty funny because it 's meaningless . In Temptation , Foustka is the Faust character who is tempted by the devilish Fistula , a man with a smelly foot fungus . Foustka is a scientist but the playwright leaves the work of the scientists ambiguous . All we know is that black magic is taboo and Foustka has been studying the occult for some time . When Fistula offers Foustka the chance to further his career and expand his love life by dabbling in the dark arts , Foustka is at first resistant but then gives in with the expected results ( selling your soul never works out ) . Temptation is by far the most light - hearted version of Faust that I 've ever read and I enjoyed it immensely . I 've read a few other stories that were obviously based on Faust but I didn 't realize just how many similarly Faustian works of art exist ( including poetry , plays , novels , music ) until I looked up " novels based on Faust " on Google and came across this Wikipedia entry : Works based on Faust . And , it 's not all - inclusive . Fascinating , this human obsession with temptation by the devil . As it turned out , I 've read a lot more works based on Faust than I realized . I know I 've read at least three others since I began blogging but I can find only two posts and can 't recall the name of the third . Here are links to my reviews of the two I do recall : There were distasteful characters and moments in Temptation but I found the levity in Temptation made the reading unusually satisfying , although near as I can tell I 've enjoyed every version of Faust I 've read except The Phantom of the Opera . That one was a DNF , although I may give it a second go , eventually . I did enjoy the play , but mostly because I was excited to see Welsh actor John Owen - Jones ( who has also played Jean Valjean ) in person . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Up until Saturday of last week , not a single book had arrived and I thought , given the fact that it was also not much of a reading week , that there was going to be no malarkey to speak of . Or , twaddle ( same thing ) . And , then Saturday happened . On Saturday I had to pick up a book from the library and the library sale just happened to be going on . Since I left Huzzybuns in the car , I had to move quickly and this is what I grabbed : Both of the books I finished were around 100 pages . Between dealing with the aftermath of last week 's hole in the ceiling and other clean - up in preparation for the arrival of furniture , last week just wasn 't a big reading week . I came across Temptation while I was hunting for a classic that a friend was considering reading . Technically , Temptation should have been shelved with other plays rather than classics ( I think ) but I 'm glad I found it . When the Moon is Low by Nadia Hashimi - A July release . I read 22 pages the first night I opened When the Moon is Low and then realized I remembered almost nothing when I woke up . So , I started over and am about 60 pages in , at the moment . It 's an understated story and each time I pick it up I have to flip back a few pages to see what recently happened . Hopefully , it will become more memorable as the story progresses . Extreme Food by Bear Grylls - I 'm on p . 90 out of 259 pages . I 'm finding pluses and minuses to Extreme Food , at this point . If you carry it with you when traveling / camping ( especially after a first reading so you 'll know what specific items to gather ) it could definitely help you survive if disaster were to occur . I 'm on the section about fishing and Bear is telling me how to make my own hook , find bait , determine where the best spot is to fish , etc . - - good stuff . But , I recently read the part about mushrooms and got the impression that unless you plan to study mushrooms , as in , buy a big guidebook with full - color photos and get an expert to help teach you , Bear 's section on mushrooms is fairly useless ( in fact , he pretty flatly says you really need a concise guide if you ever plan to eat them ) because there are far too many dangerous mushrooms that look almost identical to those that are edible . At least he 's honest . I 'm enjoying the book , although it 's one that is , I think , best in small doses so you can sit back and let the information sink in . Pamela by Samuel Richardson . . . of course . I only picked up Pamela twice , this week , and read briefly . Fortunately , Pamela is the kind of novel that you can set aside for a week or a month and have no problem continuing when you get around to picking it up , again . That 's probably because the characters have a tendency to drive topics into the ground . You can 't help but remember what was up when the characters droned on about it for 25 pages . In other news : I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief that large post in which I talked about everything I hadn 't reviewed has been . It 's been such a wonderful stress - remover , akin to Atlas replacing the planet on his shoulders with a basket of kittens . At this moment , I only have two books waiting to be reviewed - - a very tolerable number - - and I 'm praying things will stay that way for the rest of the year . The last baseball game we attended was miserable . The heat and humidity have finally arrived with a vengeance . I came home with 3 mosquito bites and yet another bobblehead ( a different one from last week 's ; this week 's version was a fellow sliding into base , very cute ) . The next day , it cooled off in the evening so I went out and deep - painted 6 more deck planks . I made the mistake of not wearing enough insect repellant and ended up with 15 more bites . Thank goodness I 'm no longer fiercely allergic to mosquito bites . 4 - 5 bites used to put me to bed with a fever and flu - like symptoms . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . It was a quiet celebration . Just me , my cake , a bunch of quickly melting candles and a crowd of poison ivy leaves ( mocking me because they know they 're winning ) . I snapped the photo , ate part of the cake and scowled at the evil green vine . Technically , my bloggiversary was Saturday ( but I forgot ) . I 've been blogging since June 6 , 2006 . There are nine candles crammed onto that cake . Hard to believe how fast the time has flown . Because I spent my day chasing down candles , cake and confetti and then posing the cake , snapping and loading photos , I 'm going to skip Monday Malarkey and do a Tuesday Twaddle post , instead . In the meantime , a million thanks to any and all who have visted my blog over the years . Many , many things have changed since 2006 . I had one child in college and one at home when I began blogging . One of those children has since married and made me a grandmother . I 've buried two cats and my mom since the beginning of the blog ( and have been adopted by two new kitties ) , met some wonderful fellow bloggers and authors , made new friendships and traveled places I would not have otherwise thought to go . I wish I could share my cake with all of you . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Fiona and I spent some time hanging out together in our home library when Someone Who Shall Remain Unnamed stuck a foot through our living room ceiling , this past weekend , causing unfathomable drifts of pink insulation to pile up on the living room floor . While Husband worked to patch the ceiling and tidy , Isabel was locked into the master bedroom and Fiona and I stayed in the library . They were both annoyed but eventually I carried Fi to the master bedroom , brought in food and water , and by the time we were freed some 5 - 6 hours post - disaster , I had a cat sleeping across my legs and a recent college grad snoring at the end of my bed . Isabel , who had continued pacing irritably , bolted . Wonderstruck by Brian Selznick - The tale of a young boy and a young girl living in two different time periods . Both are deaf and the story , told mostly through Selznick 's amazing illustrations , slowly reveals an unusual link between the two . Another lovely book from Selznick . I didn 't find it as magical as The Invention of Hugo Cabret but I enjoyed it . In the Loyal Mountains by Rick Bass - A collection of short stories that are so beautifully told I often wondered if they had really happened . I had to keep reminding myself I was reading fiction . The only thing I disliked about this collection of stories was that I felt they lacked a sense of completion . I wanted the endings all tied up nicely in a bow and they 're not . The writing is stellar , though , and In the Loyal Mountains is worth hanging onto for a reread . The Trip to Echo Spring : On Writers and Drinking by Olivia Laing - I bought and read Echo Spring for F2F discussion . Laing focuses on 6 alcoholic writers , some more familiar than others . Several destroyed their lives with alcohol , a couple were able to overcome their addictions . Woven into her search for understanding their destructive paths is the parallel tale of her own experience with an alcoholic . I found the book fascinating but was hoping for a broader perspective of the connection between addiction and the art of writing ; so were most of the members of my F2F group . But , I enjoyed the reading . The Third Twin by C . J . Omololu - A young adult book sent to me by a friend , The Third Twin is the fast - paced tale of teenage twins who take turns pretending to be someone they 're not : an imaginary twin they 've created , who is wilder and more daring than either of them . I can 't recall but I think the name either twin uses when pretending is Alicia , so I 'm going to run with that . Alicia 's dates are beginning to turn up dead . Is one of the twins guilty ? Have they managed to conjur someone real from their imaginations ? Or , has someone found out about " Alicia " and taken over the identity ? A quick read , not well - written but a page - turner . I wouldn 't call it a great book because the writing was a little sloppy , but I chose to turn off my internal editor and just relish the surprising twists . Evangeline by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - An epic poem that tells the tragic love story of Evangeline and Gabriel , Acadians who are sent from their Canadian home by the British . Evangeline spends years wandering America , seeking Gabriel , only to find him dying . I read an annotated version of Evangeline ( which I plucked off the shelf when I was in the mood for a classic ) and I think I would have had difficulty without that extra bit of help . I loved the language and savored the beauty of the story , even though it ends tragically . It 's surprisingly moving and beautiful . The Roosevelts : An Intimate History by Geoffrey C . Ward and Ken Burns - I watched part of the PBS production to which The Roosevelts is a companion and found it fascinating so I was excited when I found a copy of this oversized book at my local library branch . It is absolutely packed with photos and tells about the lives of Theodore , Franklin , and Eleanor Roosevelt and their families . It took me forever to read because I love old photographs and actually pulled out a magnifying glass to study the details of most of them . And , then , in the end the point of checking the book out was completely thrown out the window when I decided to buy my own copy . Oh , well . So much for trying to save money . It 's worth owning , though , in my humble opinion . Brutal Youth by Anthony Breznican - The one book that has continued to haunt me , this year . Peter , Noah and Lorelei are all outcasts who 've moved to a private Catholic school hoping to improve their lives . Each has his or her own challenges at home ; and , at school they must band together to deal with the bullies who are allowed to cause them grief because bullying / hazing has become a school tradition . A darkly comic tale that honestly exposes how the adults can cause just as much trouble as the students through dishonestly , violence , the choice to ignore bad behavior , and playing favorites - - and how sometimes trying too hard to become popular backfires . I 'm planning to reread Brutal Youth , soon . Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig - Matt Haig is one of my favorite people in the Twitter world and a fairly new addition to my list of favorite authors . He 's outspoken about depression and how we stigmatize people with mental illness . In Reasons to Stay Alive , he describes his own experience with despair and how he 's found ways to keep himself going , even in the darkest times . While his experience is vastly different from my own , there were moments that I thought , " Yes , this ! " and " Exactly ! " An important book . Even if you 've never been depressed , it may help you to understand and deal with the people you encounter who experience depression , anxiety , and / or suicidal thoughts . The Great Depression and WWII : 1929 - 1949 by George E . Stanley - An unfortunately slim book - - really almost a booklet , it 's so small - - containing brief descriptions , photos and excerpts from primary sources . I bought this to supplement my reading about the Great Depression , in particular , and was disappointed . And , yet , I did learn a few new things . I considered returning the book but decided there was enough useful material to hang onto it as a reference . Children of the Great Depression by Russell Freedman - An excellent children 's book about the Great Depression by the author of the Newbery - winning Lincoln : A Photobiography . Packed with excellent photos and references , as well as some wonderful photographs . When I finished reading Children of the Great Depression , I realized I might as well have sent back the Stanley book because the references in Freedman 's book were far better . Live and learn . For the Term of His Natural Life by Marcus Clarke - An Australian classic that tells the story of a young aristocrat named Richard Devine . When Devine 's father finds out his wife was unfaithful and disowns Richard , the disgraced former heir leaves his father 's house and comes across a murdered man . Accused of the man 's murder , he changes his name to Rufus Dawes and is tried , convicted and transported to Australia , where he experiences a number of hardships and adventures while totally unaware that his father died before managing to change the will . By far the most exciting , gripping , captivating story I 've read , this year . Ten Days in a Mad - House by Nellie Bly - I was surprised how short this classic work of journalism is . Nellie Bly was a young journalist who was asked if she 'd be willing to fake madness to get herself committed , specifically so she could write about the conditions at a New York asylum . She succeeded and found that women were being treated so cruelly that even those who were quite normal when committed often went crazy from mistreatment . A hard read and not quite what I expected but fascinating . Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare - This was my third or fourth reading of Romeo and Juliet but it 's been ages since the junior high lit reading and I 've never read a version that was annotated . It was eye - opening . I had no idea how dirty the story is and it clarified the relationships between characters as well as the insanity of their behavior . So much rude humor . I still love it for particular bits of dialogue but I really wanted to whack the characters on the noggin . There 's a Trick with a Knife I 'm Learning to Do by Michael Ondaatje - A volume of poetry with 15 years ' worth of Ondaatje 's work and by far the most fascinating volume I 've read , this year . Sometimes his poetry is completely baffling , with phrases that crash into each other , a lack of punctuation . . . kind of a drunken feel to the writing . At other times , it 's lucid and visceral enough to make you either laugh or cry or just make your skin crawl . An amazing collection . Nine Horses by Billy Collins - There was a hangover effect from the Ondaatje that diminished the effect of Nine Horses . I usually love Billy Collins but his writing is predictable and sometimes a bit fussy . The wildness of Ondaatje made the switch to Collins feel like a strange plummet into a 10 - foot pile of pillows . Having said that , once I got over the lasting shadow of Ondaatje , I enjoyed Nine Horses and was surprised to find that one of my favorite Collins poems was in this volume . How Penguin Says " Please " and How Tiger Says " Thank You " by A . Samoun and S . Watts - Two children 's board books that contain the quoted word ( s ) in 8 different languages . I 've meant to photograph the interiors but I admit that I found the pronunciation of some of the languages so baffling to read that I had to listen to them online . That made me hesitate . I wasn 't sure whether I actually liked the books because some of the languages ( Russian , Egyptian , Chinese ) are so difficult . But , as a child I loved knowing how to count to 10 in a half - dozen different languages and they 're a nice introduction to language for small children , even if not the lmost familar to Americans . Too Loud a Solitude by Bohumil Hrabal - A Czech classic about a man who spends his day compacting paper and rescuing books from the jaws of his machine . Definitely a book for lovers of words , Too Loud a Solitude is impressively bizarre and unique . It 's also pretty grim but oddly satisfying . At times , it turns the stomach ( when he must compact bloody paper covered with flies from a butchery and entire families of mice go into the compactor along with the paper they 've burrowed inside ) but there 's just something marvelously perfect about Too Loud a Solitude . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . The beginning of The Sixth Extinction was , I thought , a bit wobbly . A book about past mass extinctions as well as the one humans are currently creating , I expected the chapters to be tied into each other a little better . Instead , each of the first few chapters felt like entirely separate entities . It turned out there 's a reason for that bumpy start . Apparently , those first few chapters ( I don 't know how many ) were originally published as individual articles . However , eventually Kolbert hit her stride and The Sixth Extinction began to feel like it had a purpose , leading up to but not overly strident about the concept that humans have not only altered the earth by driving the climate change that is likely to lead to a mass extinction in the ocean in about 35 years but also about how we 've already been causing extinctions of flora and fauna for almost our entire existence . I found it startling , although I don 't suppose I should . In today 's world , you blink and another animal goes extinct or is added to the endangered list . Still , the book was surprising in many ways . I 've been reading about climate change for a long time and the science is solid but I 've never read anything at all about ocean warming . This , it appears , is the concept that ought to induce panic . It 's not the melting icecaps , which are causing rising oceans and killing off animals that require the icy regions ' strength in order to survive , nor even the warming that 's causing storms to grow stronger . Instead , it 's the acidification of the water that is a fearful thing . Once it reaches a certain level . . . massive die - off , gloom , doom . Really , the potential loss of all that seafood alone ought to be enough to frighten us to action . The only downfall to this book is that it can get a little too scientific , at times , at least for some of us . I 'm not well - versed in biology ; I don 't know a family from a genus from a hole in the head , but the author liked using the Latin names of flora and fauna and occasionally went a little deeper into the science than I 'd have liked . I can read between the lines but I felt a little stupid , I suppose . Highly recommended . Another frankly terrifying but exceptional book by Elizabeth Kolbert , excellent as a follow - up to Field Notes from a Catastrophe , although not as in - your - face blunt and a little more technical . The few lines about the likelihood of life as we know it ending in the near future were uttered by scientists , not the author herself . Kolbert even talks about how long ago the first person discovered that we were causing climate change . 100 years , people . At one point , a Russian scientist recommended burning fossil fuels to deliberately change the climate , making more of Russia livable and screwing up life for North Americans . All Russia had to do was wait , though , as the dependence upon fossil fuels grew and we made the change without malice . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Yes , really , this is the only book that arrived , this week ! So shocking . I even walked around the house , looking in all the usual places , to make absolutely certain I didn 't overlook anything . Yes , again , only one . But , it 's a doozy . I 've read quite a number of books on climate change ( The Sixth Extinction is about past mass extinctions and just discusses climate change as a factor in extinction ) but this is the first one that 's really talked about ocean warming with any depth and it 's bracing stuff . According to the scientists Kolbert spoke to , we 've got about 35 years before the warming and acidity of the ocean lead to a mass extinction of sea critters . Pamela by Samuel Richardson - I took a week off from Pamela . It was a busy week and I didn 't find much reading time , anyway ; but I needed to step away from it before digging into the second half . Pamela is so annoyingly stupid . I am enjoying the book , if only for the cultural perspective , but she sometimes gets on my nerves . Extreme Food by Bear Grylls - I also didn 't touch Extreme Food , this week . I 'll return to it , tonight . The heat and humidity have so fully descended that I have a feeling we won 't return to deck painting till fall . And , as Huz noted , " Other problems keep interferring . " One of those was a college grad sticking his foot through the living room ceiling , causing drifts of pink insulation ( wow , this house is really well - insulated ) to pile up on the living room floor and a red wasp to dog the poor guy trying to patch the hole . And , then someone who goes by the name " Bookfool " dropped an earring down the drain , today . Sorry , Huzzybuns . Before it became gruesome outside , we did manage to attend a surprisingly cool and breezy baseball game on Friday night . We got free bobbleheads . Jealous ? It was kind of a boring game ( a pitcher 's duel ? ) most of the night but our team managed a slender victory in the 9th inning . And , then we stayed for the fireworks show , which we 've never before done . It was fabulous . Unfortunately , I don 't have photos because I haven 't been taking a camera with me to baseball games since I broke the good camera . My point - and - shoot can 't do baseball justice . Since several people have asked me ( and I didn 't bother making an announcement ) , just a side note to those of you who are Facebook friends : I 'm taking a brief holiday from Facebook . I 'll be back . I had just read an article about why it 's not necessary to always announce your plans on social media , right as I came to the conclusion I needed a break , hence the disappearance without mention . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Bookfool periodically whispers unusual words and disappears in a puff of smoke . New review policy can be seen below by clicking on the Eat , Sleep , Read image . All material ( including photos , but excluding most cover images ) is my own unless otherwise stated and thus protected by copyright . Please leave a comment on any post to request permission to use content from this blog .

Dudu 's father was killed when he stepped on a land mine during a recent war . His uncle Moses has become the head of the family but the bar Moses owns is failing and he 's convinced that there is sorcery keeping him from succeeding . The local tradition is to blame adversity on children , accusing them of witchcraft and paying a minister to perform unspeakably cruel exorcisms to frighten away the demons by which they 're allegedly possessed . The " ministers " who perform these rituals are , in fact , only after power and money . You can figure out where this is headed . Dudu and his younger brother are accused of witchcraft and Dudu must escape . Frank finds out about the exorcisms and discovers that they 're not even considered newsworthy by the locals , so he makes it his mission to bring attention to the children 's plight . Eventually , he meets Dudu but I didn 't make it to that point . First , let me just say that I would not have made it so far if this book wasn 't solidly written . There were a few times I thought , " This sentence could stand some tightening , " and I 've mentally crossed out a few words , but Child Witch Kinshasa is a compelling story and it 's based on a current practice . Children are still being accused of witchcraft and tortured . When the author pitched his book to me , I was not interested for pretty much the same reason I can 't bear to read on , but he was persistent because it 's important to him . I think the story is an important one because it 's something that - - much like human trafficking - - exists and is known but not necessarily widely . And , because it 's culturally embedded , the practice is not likely to stop without some sort of outside intervention . So , the more people know about child exorcism in the Congo , the more likely something will be done to stop it . Also , it really is a pretty good read . It seems odd to say that the reading was going pretty quickly and yet I stopped . I don 't very often abandon a book because it unsettles me . I 'm okay with being unsettled . But , if I start to feel like I 'd rather not read at all than continue , it 's time to move on . Child Witch Kinshasa is a self - published novel by Mike Ormsby ( CreateSpace ) . I know it 's available at Amazon but beyond that I 'm uncertain . I received my copy directly from the author . There is a sequel : Child Witch London . I was kind of hoping I 'd tolerate the book so I could read its sequel , since I love a London setting . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Last week was a pretty bad week , at least at the beginning , in case you were wondering about the lack of posts . When it rains heavily , our internet service hiccups so badly that it 's often not even worth bothering to try to get online and we had storms , storms , storms ( which also meant migraine trouble ) . I also had a blog issue I had to deal with and since the " hide " button seems to have disappeared , I temporarily set the blog to private mode while I was making sure I had caught everything that needed to be fixed . If you know how to remove a blog from view at Blogger without going to the extreme of changing the privacy setting , please let me know . I decided to go ahead and bulldoze my way through Extreme Food but it wasn 't anywhere near the cringe - worthy read I expected , in the end . Yes , there are times he talks about really disgusting ideas for meals ( worms and eggs cooked together - - I don 't like eggs on their own so they wouldn 't be much help in disguising the taste of worms - - and other bugs and slimy things ) but there was less of that than anticipated and I learned a few things . Chief among them was how an alligator kills people with a " death roll " . Coincidentally , there was just an article about a man saving his son from an alligator in the news , today . So glad that story had a happy ending . Here 's that story about a father saving his son from an alligator attack . I haven 't actually finished The Pearl but I 'm about to , as soon as I finish up this post . There 's yet another storm brewing . I 'd better hurry . I can already say The Pearl is my least favorite Steinbeck but I do love his writing style . Currently reading : No Pamela , again , but I keep telling myself I 'm going to get back to finishing Pamela , eventually . Child Witch Kinshasa is a chunkster so it may take me all week , depending upon how much reading time I manage to squeeze in . Usually , when I 'm reading a chunkster I add some other reading material to give me the occasional break but I haven 't chosen what I 'll read after I finish The Pearl . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Yep , the ever - patient Fiona got another squashing from her little sister , Isabel . They were both hanging out on my legs while I read on the bed . That 's pretty rare and , of course , I loved it . Kiddo ( who graduated from college and is temporarily moving home ) had cranked the air conditioner down so low that we were all cold . So . . . I hadn 't actually finished a single book till this weekend and I 'm really , really happy that there was an excuse to sit and read . The guys were away , working on cleaning and emptying Kiddo 's apartment and that meant I had a nice , long stretch of quiet time . The only really pressing thing I needed to do around the house was laundry . At some point , I completely ran out of laundry ! ! Cool or what ? I 'm not the most focused person but I got 3 books finished and 5 loads of laundry done . On to the malarkey . Such a great reading weekend . Crooked Heart ( a July release ) is a WWII book that is absolutely pitch - perfect and by far one of my favorite reads of 2015 . Life in a Box is a Pretty Life is a hard read - - poetry about painful topics : being black , being a woman , being victim - blamed , racially profiled or judged based on color or sexuality . Her writing style is odd and cryptic ; at times I felt like I was trying to decipher code . But , sometimes it just smacks you in the face . It is really powerful stuff . And , of course , Eleanor & Park . Everyone I know has read it . Friend Tammy insisted that I must read it urgently so I checked it out from the library , whipped through it , and then had to chew out all my friends for not telling me it 's got an ugly - cry ending . I was so not expecting the waterworks . . . and I 'm telling you , it just went on and on . What a moving book . Oh , who knows . No Pamela , last week . I 'm halfway through Extreme Food by Bear Grylls but I 'm in the yucky part . Maybe will try to barrel through that so I can move on . And , I 'll probably start a new fiction read , tonight , but I haven 't yet decided between the three that are calling out to me . I did not manage to finish The Boys in the Boat before my F2F meeting but I keep telling myself , " One chapter a night would be good . That way you 'll eventually finish ! " and then I pick up whatever fiction I 'm reading , instead . So , it 's hard to say what will happen ( well , not too difficult , actually ) . The discussion was great . I suspect the problem has more to do with the fact that I 'm reading an e - book than anything else . I really , truly dislike e - books . But , maybe the topic is just not my thing . This week 's vacation obsession is Europe . I haven 't been there , not really . I mean , a weekend in France , that 's all . So , I 'm pondering a trip to Europe alone , maybe on a tour with a bunch of old ladies . Husband actually thinks that would be fine and dandy since he 's been so many places without me . Anyone want to go on an old - lady tour with me ? © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Isabel was studiously ignoring my attempts to photograph her when she heard a noise . Love the curious look . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Behind a row of mulberry trees was our neighbor 's orchard , separated from ours by a high clay wall . As I spent more time in the shade of the mulberry trees , I began to feel I wasn 't alone . It was different from the time I 'd seen my guardian angel . This time the presence felt earthly . This time the presence sneezed . ~ p . 38 of Advance Reader Copy , When the Moon is Low ( some changes may have been made to the final print version ) While I was reading When the Moon is Low , I mentioned that I had to reread the first 22 pages because they didn 't leave an impression and that I was continuing to find it a struggle to get into . It is , as I said , a quiet and very understated sort of novel . But , I wanted to give the book a fair shot and , while the pace was fairly slow , particularly in the beginning , I did eventually find that I wanted to know what was going to happen . When the Moon is Low tells the story of Fereiba . Beginning when she was a small child and realized that she was the cause of her mother 's death ( from childbirth complications ) , Fereiba describes her distant father , the arrival of a stepmother and several sisters and her first love . I 'm pretty sure that her marriage is the ending of Book 1 , but I just flipped through the book and couldn 't find the dividing line . Fereiba 's arranged marriage , though , begins an entirely different phase of her life . After marriage , Fereiba and her husband have two children . He works as an engineer and she is a teacher but the Taliban 's power ends her career . When tragedy strikes and Fereiba is left to manage on her own , that 's really when the book becomes particularly interesting . At one point , a heavily pregnant Fereiba is in pain and tries to make her way to the hospital but she 's sent home because the man accompanying her ( a neighbor ) is neither her husband or a relative . And , the view of life as a refugee is also fascinating . I 've read about what it 's like for refugees , having to sell their possessions to pay ridiculous fees to people smugglers , only to end up begging in a country that allows no path to citizenship or caught and sent back to the country from which one escaped . When the Moon is Low does a very good job of giving you perspective of the refugee experience . There 's a lot to think about . I disliked the slow pace of When the Moon is Low , but once I became invested in the lives of Fereiba and Saleem ( and the other two children , who have lesser roles ) , I did find myself eager to get back to the reading , each day . But , I gave the book only a slightly above - average rating , both because of the pace and the fact that it 's good but not a particularly elegant work of writing . There were times I felt the urge to reach for a red pen . I did find the ending satisfying and I 'm glad I read When the Moon is Low . I have not read Nadia Hashimi 's first book , The Pearl that Broke its Shell , so I can 't compare the two . Recommended - While not a favorite , When the Moon is Low is a fairly well - written book that nicely illuminates both the changes in Afghanistan that took place upon the rise of the Taliban and what it 's like to be a refugee . I found the storytelling slightly devoid of emotion . There were moments that it was tense or deeply sad or frightening ; it 's well plotted if slow - paced . I just never felt any huge rush of emotion during those moments . Still , a good book that I recommend for a time when you want to read a quiet , character - centered novel . Side note : In the ARC , Fereiba 's husband is described as a mechanical engineer , although it sounds like the work he does is that of a civil engineer . I noticed he 's described as a civil in one of the book blurbs I read , so that little detail may reflect one of those rare instances in which something was changed prior to publication . I don 't have access to a finished copy ( it 's not out yet , after all ) , so I 'm unable to find out if a change has been made . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . You already know I won Keep Your Friends Close and another of title from the author , Paula Daly , if you hang around here much . Well , I was just emerging from a slower - paced title and craving a quicker pace when the two books walked in the door . I kept looking at this one and I love the cover ; it 's appealing in a creepy way and just looked like something suspenseful enough to keep the pages flying . So , I gave in within 24 hours of the book 's arrival . Good decision . Keep Your Friends Close is the story of Natty , a woman whose family owns a hotel and house next door to each other in England 's Lake District . How Natty and her husband Sean managed to acquire such a prime bit of property is never mentioned but they have succeeded due to a lot of hard work , drive extraordinarily expensive cars to show for it , and clearly cater to a wealthy clientele . Natty is obsessive to the point of neglecting her husband and even her health . She 's growing a bit too thin . Her children are her other priority . Alice is a bit sulky . Felicity is more laid - back . Felicity is on a school trip to France as the book opens and Natty is cleaning like a madwoman . She 's so obsessive about cleanliness that it 's almost a family joke ; she even follows the maids , whom she thinks not quite dedicated enough to do the job right . Natty 's best friend from college is dropping by for a visit . Just as Eve arrives , though , Natty receives a dramatic call from Felicity 's teacher . Felicity has fallen ill and is in surgery . It 's unknown whether or not she 'll survive . Natty hastily packs and Eve offers to watch after Alice and the hotel but Sean can only get a single ticket on the next flight and Natty insists that she must be the one to go . Their manager is on vacation so Sean ends up remaining behind at Natty 's request , even when he 's able to join her . And , here is where the suspense begins . Eve is a dangerous woman who has set her sights on Sean , a man neglected enough that he 's easily wooed . By the time Natty and Felicity return , Sean and Eve are a couple . Shocked to her core , Natty becomes irrational and gets into a bit of trouble . But , when Natty begins to suspect that there 's something bigger going on than just a friend stealing her husband , she discovers that Eve is not the person she claims to be . Through the combined efforts of Natty and a detective named Joanne , Eve 's history begins to form . But , will it be too late for Natty and her family ? Highly recommended - A genuine page - turner . There were some moments that I thought , " This is a bit implausible , " but I didn 't care . I found Keep Your Friends Close addictively readable and was astonished at how many times the author surprised me . Just when I thought I knew what was going to happen next . . . nope , wrong again . And , every time I put it down I kept thinking , " Argh , I want to read ! ! ! " I love that . I 'm looking forward to reading the other Paula Daly book I won in that Twitter drawing and particularly recommend Keep Your Friends Close for beach , train or plane reading . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Ally is a little girl who likes dinosaurs and likes to pretend she is a dinosaur . On her first day of school , she isn 't able to take her stuffed dinosaurs but she can take her imagination with her . At first , things are a little off - kilter . While Ally - saurus ( the name she calls herself ) eats her snack with a roar , the other children are quiet and subdued . The entire book continues in this vein , with a crayon outline showing each child 's imagination at work . At times , Ally is dismayed by the reaction of others . But eventually she begins to settle in , finds friends , and realizes that other imaginations don 't have to match up with her own . Everyone can still have a great time playing pretend . Later in the book , Ally and her class go to the library , where they 're each allowed to check out a single book . Highly recommended - I absolutely love this creative story about imagination and being true to yourself . The crayon outline . . . I have a feeling I 've seen this somewhere in the past , but I 'm not certain . It 's a lovely way to show how a child is imagining herself . I know my children would have absolutely loved this story at a younger age and so would I . This one 's a keeper . Note : I received my copy of Ally - Saurus and The First Day of School from Sterling Kids in exchange for an honest review . My copy came with a poster that says , " Read a book and let your imagination RUN WILD ! Be a princess , a pirate , or even a dinosaur ! " The illustration is the one you see in the left page of the library scene , above . Perfect for classroom or library ! © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . I won both books from the author in a twitter drawing and had just finished reading a book with slow pacing so I was craving a fast - paced read . I chose Keep Your Friends Close because it sounded like the kind of book I was looking for . Sure enough , the pages flew . I just finished Keep Your Friends Close , last night , and it was extremely satisfying . More on that , later . Not a big posting week . I 've begun working on my Ally - saurus review ( a children 's book ) so hopefully that bodes well for a productive blogging week . If not , I 'm not going to sweat it . At some point , I need to restock my hurricane supplies because we do have a tropical depression on the verge of turning into a tropical storm in the Gulf . Although it looks like it 's not predicted to come our way , it serves as a good reminder that it 's time to stock up on water , batteries and dry foods . And , I suppose I should buy a couple fresh fire extinguishers , since we had a small kitchen fire yesterday ( no damage ) - another reminder that one should occasionally refresh the supply as extinguishers do have an expiration date , from my understanding . Pamela by Samuel Richardson - Didn 't read any of Pamela till last night and after reading a fast - paced suspense ? Argh , my eyes were rolling . I 'd really , really like to get done with Pamela soon , but I 'm not sure if this will be the week it happens . I haven 't settled on a second fiction read but I still have Bear Grylls ' book sitting by the bedside and will read more of it , today . I read a little bit of The Boys in the Boat By Daniel James Brown for F2F book group discussion and must admit I was bored out of my mind . Maybe it would be better to read a paper copy ? I keep finding myself looking at how many minutes I have till the end of the chapter . If you 've read The Boys in the Boat , tell me . . . does it improve ? I haven 't gotten very far . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Out of context , the excerpt above may sound odd but in Vaclav Havel 's Faustian play , Temptation , it 's actually pretty funny because it 's meaningless . In Temptation , Foustka is the Faust character who is tempted by the devilish Fistula , a man with a smelly foot fungus . Foustka is a scientist but the playwright leaves the work of the scientists ambiguous . All we know is that black magic is taboo and Foustka has been studying the occult for some time . When Fistula offers Foustka the chance to further his career and expand his love life by dabbling in the dark arts , Foustka is at first resistant but then gives in with the expected results ( selling your soul never works out ) . Temptation is by far the most light - hearted version of Faust that I 've ever read and I enjoyed it immensely . I 've read a few other stories that were obviously based on Faust but I didn 't realize just how many similarly Faustian works of art exist ( including poetry , plays , novels , music ) until I looked up " novels based on Faust " on Google and came across this Wikipedia entry : Works based on Faust . And , it 's not all - inclusive . Fascinating , this human obsession with temptation by the devil . As it turned out , I 've read a lot more works based on Faust than I realized . I know I 've read at least three others since I began blogging but I can find only two posts and can 't recall the name of the third . Here are links to my reviews of the two I do recall : There were distasteful characters and moments in Temptation but I found the levity in Temptation made the reading unusually satisfying , although near as I can tell I 've enjoyed every version of Faust I 've read except The Phantom of the Opera . That one was a DNF , although I may give it a second go , eventually . I did enjoy the play , but mostly because I was excited to see Welsh actor John Owen - Jones ( who has also played Jean Valjean ) in person . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Up until Saturday of last week , not a single book had arrived and I thought , given the fact that it was also not much of a reading week , that there was going to be no malarkey to speak of . Or , twaddle ( same thing ) . And , then Saturday happened . On Saturday I had to pick up a book from the library and the library sale just happened to be going on . Since I left Huzzybuns in the car , I had to move quickly and this is what I grabbed : Both of the books I finished were around 100 pages . Between dealing with the aftermath of last week 's hole in the ceiling and other clean - up in preparation for the arrival of furniture , last week just wasn 't a big reading week . I came across Temptation while I was hunting for a classic that a friend was considering reading . Technically , Temptation should have been shelved with other plays rather than classics ( I think ) but I 'm glad I found it . When the Moon is Low by Nadia Hashimi - A July release . I read 22 pages the first night I opened When the Moon is Low and then realized I remembered almost nothing when I woke up . So , I started over and am about 60 pages in , at the moment . It 's an understated story and each time I pick it up I have to flip back a few pages to see what recently happened . Hopefully , it will become more memorable as the story progresses . Extreme Food by Bear Grylls - I 'm on p . 90 out of 259 pages . I 'm finding pluses and minuses to Extreme Food , at this point . If you carry it with you when traveling / camping ( especially after a first reading so you 'll know what specific items to gather ) it could definitely help you survive if disaster were to occur . I 'm on the section about fishing and Bear is telling me how to make my own hook , find bait , determine where the best spot is to fish , etc . - - good stuff . But , I recently read the part about mushrooms and got the impression that unless you plan to study mushrooms , as in , buy a big guidebook with full - color photos and get an expert to help teach you , Bear 's section on mushrooms is fairly useless ( in fact , he pretty flatly says you really need a concise guide if you ever plan to eat them ) because there are far too many dangerous mushrooms that look almost identical to those that are edible . At least he 's honest . I 'm enjoying the book , although it 's one that is , I think , best in small doses so you can sit back and let the information sink in . Pamela by Samuel Richardson . . . of course . I only picked up Pamela twice , this week , and read briefly . Fortunately , Pamela is the kind of novel that you can set aside for a week or a month and have no problem continuing when you get around to picking it up , again . That 's probably because the characters have a tendency to drive topics into the ground . You can 't help but remember what was up when the characters droned on about it for 25 pages . In other news : I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief that large post in which I talked about everything I hadn 't reviewed has been . It 's been such a wonderful stress - remover , akin to Atlas replacing the planet on his shoulders with a basket of kittens . At this moment , I only have two books waiting to be reviewed - - a very tolerable number - - and I 'm praying things will stay that way for the rest of the year . The last baseball game we attended was miserable . The heat and humidity have finally arrived with a vengeance . I came home with 3 mosquito bites and yet another bobblehead ( a different one from last week 's ; this week 's version was a fellow sliding into base , very cute ) . The next day , it cooled off in the evening so I went out and deep - painted 6 more deck planks . I made the mistake of not wearing enough insect repellant and ended up with 15 more bites . Thank goodness I 'm no longer fiercely allergic to mosquito bites . 4 - 5 bites used to put me to bed with a fever and flu - like symptoms . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . It was a quiet celebration . Just me , my cake , a bunch of quickly melting candles and a crowd of poison ivy leaves ( mocking me because they know they 're winning ) . I snapped the photo , ate part of the cake and scowled at the evil green vine . Technically , my bloggiversary was Saturday ( but I forgot ) . I 've been blogging since June 6 , 2006 . There are nine candles crammed onto that cake . Hard to believe how fast the time has flown . Because I spent my day chasing down candles , cake and confetti and then posing the cake , snapping and loading photos , I 'm going to skip Monday Malarkey and do a Tuesday Twaddle post , instead . In the meantime , a million thanks to any and all who have visted my blog over the years . Many , many things have changed since 2006 . I had one child in college and one at home when I began blogging . One of those children has since married and made me a grandmother . I 've buried two cats and my mom since the beginning of the blog ( and have been adopted by two new kitties ) , met some wonderful fellow bloggers and authors , made new friendships and traveled places I would not have otherwise thought to go . I wish I could share my cake with all of you . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Fiona and I spent some time hanging out together in our home library when Someone Who Shall Remain Unnamed stuck a foot through our living room ceiling , this past weekend , causing unfathomable drifts of pink insulation to pile up on the living room floor . While Husband worked to patch the ceiling and tidy , Isabel was locked into the master bedroom and Fiona and I stayed in the library . They were both annoyed but eventually I carried Fi to the master bedroom , brought in food and water , and by the time we were freed some 5 - 6 hours post - disaster , I had a cat sleeping across my legs and a recent college grad snoring at the end of my bed . Isabel , who had continued pacing irritably , bolted . Wonderstruck by Brian Selznick - The tale of a young boy and a young girl living in two different time periods . Both are deaf and the story , told mostly through Selznick 's amazing illustrations , slowly reveals an unusual link between the two . Another lovely book from Selznick . I didn 't find it as magical as The Invention of Hugo Cabret but I enjoyed it . In the Loyal Mountains by Rick Bass - A collection of short stories that are so beautifully told I often wondered if they had really happened . I had to keep reminding myself I was reading fiction . The only thing I disliked about this collection of stories was that I felt they lacked a sense of completion . I wanted the endings all tied up nicely in a bow and they 're not . The writing is stellar , though , and In the Loyal Mountains is worth hanging onto for a reread . The Trip to Echo Spring : On Writers and Drinking by Olivia Laing - I bought and read Echo Spring for F2F discussion . Laing focuses on 6 alcoholic writers , some more familiar than others . Several destroyed their lives with alcohol , a couple were able to overcome their addictions . Woven into her search for understanding their destructive paths is the parallel tale of her own experience with an alcoholic . I found the book fascinating but was hoping for a broader perspective of the connection between addiction and the art of writing ; so were most of the members of my F2F group . But , I enjoyed the reading . The Third Twin by C . J . Omololu - A young adult book sent to me by a friend , The Third Twin is the fast - paced tale of teenage twins who take turns pretending to be someone they 're not : an imaginary twin they 've created , who is wilder and more daring than either of them . I can 't recall but I think the name either twin uses when pretending is Alicia , so I 'm going to run with that . Alicia 's dates are beginning to turn up dead . Is one of the twins guilty ? Have they managed to conjur someone real from their imaginations ? Or , has someone found out about " Alicia " and taken over the identity ? A quick read , not well - written but a page - turner . I wouldn 't call it a great book because the writing was a little sloppy , but I chose to turn off my internal editor and just relish the surprising twists . Evangeline by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - An epic poem that tells the tragic love story of Evangeline and Gabriel , Acadians who are sent from their Canadian home by the British . Evangeline spends years wandering America , seeking Gabriel , only to find him dying . I read an annotated version of Evangeline ( which I plucked off the shelf when I was in the mood for a classic ) and I think I would have had difficulty without that extra bit of help . I loved the language and savored the beauty of the story , even though it ends tragically . It 's surprisingly moving and beautiful . The Roosevelts : An Intimate History by Geoffrey C . Ward and Ken Burns - I watched part of the PBS production to which The Roosevelts is a companion and found it fascinating so I was excited when I found a copy of this oversized book at my local library branch . It is absolutely packed with photos and tells about the lives of Theodore , Franklin , and Eleanor Roosevelt and their families . It took me forever to read because I love old photographs and actually pulled out a magnifying glass to study the details of most of them . And , then , in the end the point of checking the book out was completely thrown out the window when I decided to buy my own copy . Oh , well . So much for trying to save money . It 's worth owning , though , in my humble opinion . Brutal Youth by Anthony Breznican - The one book that has continued to haunt me , this year . Peter , Noah and Lorelei are all outcasts who 've moved to a private Catholic school hoping to improve their lives . Each has his or her own challenges at home ; and , at school they must band together to deal with the bullies who are allowed to cause them grief because bullying / hazing has become a school tradition . A darkly comic tale that honestly exposes how the adults can cause just as much trouble as the students through dishonestly , violence , the choice to ignore bad behavior , and playing favorites - - and how sometimes trying too hard to become popular backfires . I 'm planning to reread Brutal Youth , soon . Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig - Matt Haig is one of my favorite people in the Twitter world and a fairly new addition to my list of favorite authors . He 's outspoken about depression and how we stigmatize people with mental illness . In Reasons to Stay Alive , he describes his own experience with despair and how he 's found ways to keep himself going , even in the darkest times . While his experience is vastly different from my own , there were moments that I thought , " Yes , this ! " and " Exactly ! " An important book . Even if you 've never been depressed , it may help you to understand and deal with the people you encounter who experience depression , anxiety , and / or suicidal thoughts . The Great Depression and WWII : 1929 - 1949 by George E . Stanley - An unfortunately slim book - - really almost a booklet , it 's so small - - containing brief descriptions , photos and excerpts from primary sources . I bought this to supplement my reading about the Great Depression , in particular , and was disappointed . And , yet , I did learn a few new things . I considered returning the book but decided there was enough useful material to hang onto it as a reference . Children of the Great Depression by Russell Freedman - An excellent children 's book about the Great Depression by the author of the Newbery - winning Lincoln : A Photobiography . Packed with excellent photos and references , as well as some wonderful photographs . When I finished reading Children of the Great Depression , I realized I might as well have sent back the Stanley book because the references in Freedman 's book were far better . Live and learn . For the Term of His Natural Life by Marcus Clarke - An Australian classic that tells the story of a young aristocrat named Richard Devine . When Devine 's father finds out his wife was unfaithful and disowns Richard , the disgraced former heir leaves his father 's house and comes across a murdered man . Accused of the man 's murder , he changes his name to Rufus Dawes and is tried , convicted and transported to Australia , where he experiences a number of hardships and adventures while totally unaware that his father died before managing to change the will . By far the most exciting , gripping , captivating story I 've read , this year . Ten Days in a Mad - House by Nellie Bly - I was surprised how short this classic work of journalism is . Nellie Bly was a young journalist who was asked if she 'd be willing to fake madness to get herself committed , specifically so she could write about the conditions at a New York asylum . She succeeded and found that women were being treated so cruelly that even those who were quite normal when committed often went crazy from mistreatment . A hard read and not quite what I expected but fascinating . Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare - This was my third or fourth reading of Romeo and Juliet but it 's been ages since the junior high lit reading and I 've never read a version that was annotated . It was eye - opening . I had no idea how dirty the story is and it clarified the relationships between characters as well as the insanity of their behavior . So much rude humor . I still love it for particular bits of dialogue but I really wanted to whack the characters on the noggin . There 's a Trick with a Knife I 'm Learning to Do by Michael Ondaatje - A volume of poetry with 15 years ' worth of Ondaatje 's work and by far the most fascinating volume I 've read , this year . Sometimes his poetry is completely baffling , with phrases that crash into each other , a lack of punctuation . . . kind of a drunken feel to the writing . At other times , it 's lucid and visceral enough to make you either laugh or cry or just make your skin crawl . An amazing collection . Nine Horses by Billy Collins - There was a hangover effect from the Ondaatje that diminished the effect of Nine Horses . I usually love Billy Collins but his writing is predictable and sometimes a bit fussy . The wildness of Ondaatje made the switch to Collins feel like a strange plummet into a 10 - foot pile of pillows . Having said that , once I got over the lasting shadow of Ondaatje , I enjoyed Nine Horses and was surprised to find that one of my favorite Collins poems was in this volume . How Penguin Says " Please " and How Tiger Says " Thank You " by A . Samoun and S . Watts - Two children 's board books that contain the quoted word ( s ) in 8 different languages . I 've meant to photograph the interiors but I admit that I found the pronunciation of some of the languages so baffling to read that I had to listen to them online . That made me hesitate . I wasn 't sure whether I actually liked the books because some of the languages ( Russian , Egyptian , Chinese ) are so difficult . But , as a child I loved knowing how to count to 10 in a half - dozen different languages and they 're a nice introduction to language for small children , even if not the lmost familar to Americans . Too Loud a Solitude by Bohumil Hrabal - A Czech classic about a man who spends his day compacting paper and rescuing books from the jaws of his machine . Definitely a book for lovers of words , Too Loud a Solitude is impressively bizarre and unique . It 's also pretty grim but oddly satisfying . At times , it turns the stomach ( when he must compact bloody paper covered with flies from a butchery and entire families of mice go into the compactor along with the paper they 've burrowed inside ) but there 's just something marvelously perfect about Too Loud a Solitude . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . The beginning of The Sixth Extinction was , I thought , a bit wobbly . A book about past mass extinctions as well as the one humans are currently creating , I expected the chapters to be tied into each other a little better . Instead , each of the first few chapters felt like entirely separate entities . It turned out there 's a reason for that bumpy start . Apparently , those first few chapters ( I don 't know how many ) were originally published as individual articles . However , eventually Kolbert hit her stride and The Sixth Extinction began to feel like it had a purpose , leading up to but not overly strident about the concept that humans have not only altered the earth by driving the climate change that is likely to lead to a mass extinction in the ocean in about 35 years but also about how we 've already been causing extinctions of flora and fauna for almost our entire existence . I found it startling , although I don 't suppose I should . In today 's world , you blink and another animal goes extinct or is added to the endangered list . Still , the book was surprising in many ways . I 've been reading about climate change for a long time and the science is solid but I 've never read anything at all about ocean warming . This , it appears , is the concept that ought to induce panic . It 's not the melting icecaps , which are causing rising oceans and killing off animals that require the icy regions ' strength in order to survive , nor even the warming that 's causing storms to grow stronger . Instead , it 's the acidification of the water that is a fearful thing . Once it reaches a certain level . . . massive die - off , gloom , doom . Really , the potential loss of all that seafood alone ought to be enough to frighten us to action . The only downfall to this book is that it can get a little too scientific , at times , at least for some of us . I 'm not well - versed in biology ; I don 't know a family from a genus from a hole in the head , but the author liked using the Latin names of flora and fauna and occasionally went a little deeper into the science than I 'd have liked . I can read between the lines but I felt a little stupid , I suppose . Highly recommended . Another frankly terrifying but exceptional book by Elizabeth Kolbert , excellent as a follow - up to Field Notes from a Catastrophe , although not as in - your - face blunt and a little more technical . The few lines about the likelihood of life as we know it ending in the near future were uttered by scientists , not the author herself . Kolbert even talks about how long ago the first person discovered that we were causing climate change . 100 years , people . At one point , a Russian scientist recommended burning fossil fuels to deliberately change the climate , making more of Russia livable and screwing up life for North Americans . All Russia had to do was wait , though , as the dependence upon fossil fuels grew and we made the change without malice . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Yes , really , this is the only book that arrived , this week ! So shocking . I even walked around the house , looking in all the usual places , to make absolutely certain I didn 't overlook anything . Yes , again , only one . But , it 's a doozy . I 've read quite a number of books on climate change ( The Sixth Extinction is about past mass extinctions and just discusses climate change as a factor in extinction ) but this is the first one that 's really talked about ocean warming with any depth and it 's bracing stuff . According to the scientists Kolbert spoke to , we 've got about 35 years before the warming and acidity of the ocean lead to a mass extinction of sea critters . Pamela by Samuel Richardson - I took a week off from Pamela . It was a busy week and I didn 't find much reading time , anyway ; but I needed to step away from it before digging into the second half . Pamela is so annoyingly stupid . I am enjoying the book , if only for the cultural perspective , but she sometimes gets on my nerves . Extreme Food by Bear Grylls - I also didn 't touch Extreme Food , this week . I 'll return to it , tonight . The heat and humidity have so fully descended that I have a feeling we won 't return to deck painting till fall . And , as Huz noted , " Other problems keep interferring . " One of those was a college grad sticking his foot through the living room ceiling , causing drifts of pink insulation ( wow , this house is really well - insulated ) to pile up on the living room floor and a red wasp to dog the poor guy trying to patch the hole . And , then someone who goes by the name " Bookfool " dropped an earring down the drain , today . Sorry , Huzzybuns . Before it became gruesome outside , we did manage to attend a surprisingly cool and breezy baseball game on Friday night . We got free bobbleheads . Jealous ? It was kind of a boring game ( a pitcher 's duel ? ) most of the night but our team managed a slender victory in the 9th inning . And , then we stayed for the fireworks show , which we 've never before done . It was fabulous . Unfortunately , I don 't have photos because I haven 't been taking a camera with me to baseball games since I broke the good camera . My point - and - shoot can 't do baseball justice . Since several people have asked me ( and I didn 't bother making an announcement ) , just a side note to those of you who are Facebook friends : I 'm taking a brief holiday from Facebook . I 'll be back . I had just read an article about why it 's not necessary to always announce your plans on social media , right as I came to the conclusion I needed a break , hence the disappearance without mention . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Bookfool periodically whispers unusual words and disappears in a puff of smoke . New review policy can be seen below by clicking on the Eat , Sleep , Read image . All material ( including photos , but excluding most cover images ) is my own unless otherwise stated and thus protected by copyright . Please leave a comment on any post to request permission to use content from this blog .

Dudu 's father was killed when he stepped on a land mine during a recent war . His uncle Moses has become the head of the family but the bar Moses owns is failing and he 's convinced that there is sorcery keeping him from succeeding . The local tradition is to blame adversity on children , accusing them of witchcraft and paying a minister to perform unspeakably cruel exorcisms to frighten away the demons by which they 're allegedly possessed . The " ministers " who perform these rituals are , in fact , only after power and money . You can figure out where this is headed . Dudu and his younger brother are accused of witchcraft and Dudu must escape . Frank finds out about the exorcisms and discovers that they 're not even considered newsworthy by the locals , so he makes it his mission to bring attention to the children 's plight . Eventually , he meets Dudu but I didn 't make it to that point . First , let me just say that I would not have made it so far if this book wasn 't solidly written . There were a few times I thought , " This sentence could stand some tightening , " and I 've mentally crossed out a few words , but Child Witch Kinshasa is a compelling story and it 's based on a current practice . Children are still being accused of witchcraft and tortured . When the author pitched his book to me , I was not interested for pretty much the same reason I can 't bear to read on , but he was persistent because it 's important to him . I think the story is an important one because it 's something that - - much like human trafficking - - exists and is known but not necessarily widely . And , because it 's culturally embedded , the practice is not likely to stop without some sort of outside intervention . So , the more people know about child exorcism in the Congo , the more likely something will be done to stop it . Also , it really is a pretty good read . It seems odd to say that the reading was going pretty quickly and yet I stopped . I don 't very often abandon a book because it unsettles me . I 'm okay with being unsettled . But , if I start to feel like I 'd rather not read at all than continue , it 's time to move on . Child Witch Kinshasa is a self - published novel by Mike Ormsby ( CreateSpace ) . I know it 's available at Amazon but beyond that I 'm uncertain . I received my copy directly from the author . There is a sequel : Child Witch London . I was kind of hoping I 'd tolerate the book so I could read its sequel , since I love a London setting . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Last week was a pretty bad week , at least at the beginning , in case you were wondering about the lack of posts . When it rains heavily , our internet service hiccups so badly that it 's often not even worth bothering to try to get online and we had storms , storms , storms ( which also meant migraine trouble ) . I also had a blog issue I had to deal with and since the " hide " button seems to have disappeared , I temporarily set the blog to private mode while I was making sure I had caught everything that needed to be fixed . If you know how to remove a blog from view at Blogger without going to the extreme of changing the privacy setting , please let me know . I decided to go ahead and bulldoze my way through Extreme Food but it wasn 't anywhere near the cringe - worthy read I expected , in the end . Yes , there are times he talks about really disgusting ideas for meals ( worms and eggs cooked together - - I don 't like eggs on their own so they wouldn 't be much help in disguising the taste of worms - - and other bugs and slimy things ) but there was less of that than anticipated and I learned a few things . Chief among them was how an alligator kills people with a " death roll " . Coincidentally , there was just an article about a man saving his son from an alligator in the news , today . So glad that story had a happy ending . Here 's that story about a father saving his son from an alligator attack . I haven 't actually finished The Pearl but I 'm about to , as soon as I finish up this post . There 's yet another storm brewing . I 'd better hurry . I can already say The Pearl is my least favorite Steinbeck but I do love his writing style . Currently reading : No Pamela , again , but I keep telling myself I 'm going to get back to finishing Pamela , eventually . Child Witch Kinshasa is a chunkster so it may take me all week , depending upon how much reading time I manage to squeeze in . Usually , when I 'm reading a chunkster I add some other reading material to give me the occasional break but I haven 't chosen what I 'll read after I finish The Pearl . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Yep , the ever - patient Fiona got another squashing from her little sister , Isabel . They were both hanging out on my legs while I read on the bed . That 's pretty rare and , of course , I loved it . Kiddo ( who graduated from college and is temporarily moving home ) had cranked the air conditioner down so low that we were all cold . So . . . I hadn 't actually finished a single book till this weekend and I 'm really , really happy that there was an excuse to sit and read . The guys were away , working on cleaning and emptying Kiddo 's apartment and that meant I had a nice , long stretch of quiet time . The only really pressing thing I needed to do around the house was laundry . At some point , I completely ran out of laundry ! ! Cool or what ? I 'm not the most focused person but I got 3 books finished and 5 loads of laundry done . On to the malarkey . Such a great reading weekend . Crooked Heart ( a July release ) is a WWII book that is absolutely pitch - perfect and by far one of my favorite reads of 2015 . Life in a Box is a Pretty Life is a hard read - - poetry about painful topics : being black , being a woman , being victim - blamed , racially profiled or judged based on color or sexuality . Her writing style is odd and cryptic ; at times I felt like I was trying to decipher code . But , sometimes it just smacks you in the face . It is really powerful stuff . And , of course , Eleanor & Park . Everyone I know has read it . Friend Tammy insisted that I must read it urgently so I checked it out from the library , whipped through it , and then had to chew out all my friends for not telling me it 's got an ugly - cry ending . I was so not expecting the waterworks . . . and I 'm telling you , it just went on and on . What a moving book . Oh , who knows . No Pamela , last week . I 'm halfway through Extreme Food by Bear Grylls but I 'm in the yucky part . Maybe will try to barrel through that so I can move on . And , I 'll probably start a new fiction read , tonight , but I haven 't yet decided between the three that are calling out to me . I did not manage to finish The Boys in the Boat before my F2F meeting but I keep telling myself , " One chapter a night would be good . That way you 'll eventually finish ! " and then I pick up whatever fiction I 'm reading , instead . So , it 's hard to say what will happen ( well , not too difficult , actually ) . The discussion was great . I suspect the problem has more to do with the fact that I 'm reading an e - book than anything else . I really , truly dislike e - books . But , maybe the topic is just not my thing . This week 's vacation obsession is Europe . I haven 't been there , not really . I mean , a weekend in France , that 's all . So , I 'm pondering a trip to Europe alone , maybe on a tour with a bunch of old ladies . Husband actually thinks that would be fine and dandy since he 's been so many places without me . Anyone want to go on an old - lady tour with me ? © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Isabel was studiously ignoring my attempts to photograph her when she heard a noise . Love the curious look . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Behind a row of mulberry trees was our neighbor 's orchard , separated from ours by a high clay wall . As I spent more time in the shade of the mulberry trees , I began to feel I wasn 't alone . It was different from the time I 'd seen my guardian angel . This time the presence felt earthly . This time the presence sneezed . ~ p . 38 of Advance Reader Copy , When the Moon is Low ( some changes may have been made to the final print version ) While I was reading When the Moon is Low , I mentioned that I had to reread the first 22 pages because they didn 't leave an impression and that I was continuing to find it a struggle to get into . It is , as I said , a quiet and very understated sort of novel . But , I wanted to give the book a fair shot and , while the pace was fairly slow , particularly in the beginning , I did eventually find that I wanted to know what was going to happen . When the Moon is Low tells the story of Fereiba . Beginning when she was a small child and realized that she was the cause of her mother 's death ( from childbirth complications ) , Fereiba describes her distant father , the arrival of a stepmother and several sisters and her first love . I 'm pretty sure that her marriage is the ending of Book 1 , but I just flipped through the book and couldn 't find the dividing line . Fereiba 's arranged marriage , though , begins an entirely different phase of her life . After marriage , Fereiba and her husband have two children . He works as an engineer and she is a teacher but the Taliban 's power ends her career . When tragedy strikes and Fereiba is left to manage on her own , that 's really when the book becomes particularly interesting . At one point , a heavily pregnant Fereiba is in pain and tries to make her way to the hospital but she 's sent home because the man accompanying her ( a neighbor ) is neither her husband or a relative . And , the view of life as a refugee is also fascinating . I 've read about what it 's like for refugees , having to sell their possessions to pay ridiculous fees to people smugglers , only to end up begging in a country that allows no path to citizenship or caught and sent back to the country from which one escaped . When the Moon is Low does a very good job of giving you perspective of the refugee experience . There 's a lot to think about . I disliked the slow pace of When the Moon is Low , but once I became invested in the lives of Fereiba and Saleem ( and the other two children , who have lesser roles ) , I did find myself eager to get back to the reading , each day . But , I gave the book only a slightly above - average rating , both because of the pace and the fact that it 's good but not a particularly elegant work of writing . There were times I felt the urge to reach for a red pen . I did find the ending satisfying and I 'm glad I read When the Moon is Low . I have not read Nadia Hashimi 's first book , The Pearl that Broke its Shell , so I can 't compare the two . Recommended - While not a favorite , When the Moon is Low is a fairly well - written book that nicely illuminates both the changes in Afghanistan that took place upon the rise of the Taliban and what it 's like to be a refugee . I found the storytelling slightly devoid of emotion . There were moments that it was tense or deeply sad or frightening ; it 's well plotted if slow - paced . I just never felt any huge rush of emotion during those moments . Still , a good book that I recommend for a time when you want to read a quiet , character - centered novel . Side note : In the ARC , Fereiba 's husband is described as a mechanical engineer , although it sounds like the work he does is that of a civil engineer . I noticed he 's described as a civil in one of the book blurbs I read , so that little detail may reflect one of those rare instances in which something was changed prior to publication . I don 't have access to a finished copy ( it 's not out yet , after all ) , so I 'm unable to find out if a change has been made . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . You already know I won Keep Your Friends Close and another of title from the author , Paula Daly , if you hang around here much . Well , I was just emerging from a slower - paced title and craving a quicker pace when the two books walked in the door . I kept looking at this one and I love the cover ; it 's appealing in a creepy way and just looked like something suspenseful enough to keep the pages flying . So , I gave in within 24 hours of the book 's arrival . Good decision . Keep Your Friends Close is the story of Natty , a woman whose family owns a hotel and house next door to each other in England 's Lake District . How Natty and her husband Sean managed to acquire such a prime bit of property is never mentioned but they have succeeded due to a lot of hard work , drive extraordinarily expensive cars to show for it , and clearly cater to a wealthy clientele . Natty is obsessive to the point of neglecting her husband and even her health . She 's growing a bit too thin . Her children are her other priority . Alice is a bit sulky . Felicity is more laid - back . Felicity is on a school trip to France as the book opens and Natty is cleaning like a madwoman . She 's so obsessive about cleanliness that it 's almost a family joke ; she even follows the maids , whom she thinks not quite dedicated enough to do the job right . Natty 's best friend from college is dropping by for a visit . Just as Eve arrives , though , Natty receives a dramatic call from Felicity 's teacher . Felicity has fallen ill and is in surgery . It 's unknown whether or not she 'll survive . Natty hastily packs and Eve offers to watch after Alice and the hotel but Sean can only get a single ticket on the next flight and Natty insists that she must be the one to go . Their manager is on vacation so Sean ends up remaining behind at Natty 's request , even when he 's able to join her . And , here is where the suspense begins . Eve is a dangerous woman who has set her sights on Sean , a man neglected enough that he 's easily wooed . By the time Natty and Felicity return , Sean and Eve are a couple . Shocked to her core , Natty becomes irrational and gets into a bit of trouble . But , when Natty begins to suspect that there 's something bigger going on than just a friend stealing her husband , she discovers that Eve is not the person she claims to be . Through the combined efforts of Natty and a detective named Joanne , Eve 's history begins to form . But , will it be too late for Natty and her family ? Highly recommended - A genuine page - turner . There were some moments that I thought , " This is a bit implausible , " but I didn 't care . I found Keep Your Friends Close addictively readable and was astonished at how many times the author surprised me . Just when I thought I knew what was going to happen next . . . nope , wrong again . And , every time I put it down I kept thinking , " Argh , I want to read ! ! ! " I love that . I 'm looking forward to reading the other Paula Daly book I won in that Twitter drawing and particularly recommend Keep Your Friends Close for beach , train or plane reading . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Ally is a little girl who likes dinosaurs and likes to pretend she is a dinosaur . On her first day of school , she isn 't able to take her stuffed dinosaurs but she can take her imagination with her . At first , things are a little off - kilter . While Ally - saurus ( the name she calls herself ) eats her snack with a roar , the other children are quiet and subdued . The entire book continues in this vein , with a crayon outline showing each child 's imagination at work . At times , Ally is dismayed by the reaction of others . But eventually she begins to settle in , finds friends , and realizes that other imaginations don 't have to match up with her own . Everyone can still have a great time playing pretend . Later in the book , Ally and her class go to the library , where they 're each allowed to check out a single book . Highly recommended - I absolutely love this creative story about imagination and being true to yourself . The crayon outline . . . I have a feeling I 've seen this somewhere in the past , but I 'm not certain . It 's a lovely way to show how a child is imagining herself . I know my children would have absolutely loved this story at a younger age and so would I . This one 's a keeper . Note : I received my copy of Ally - Saurus and The First Day of School from Sterling Kids in exchange for an honest review . My copy came with a poster that says , " Read a book and let your imagination RUN WILD ! Be a princess , a pirate , or even a dinosaur ! " The illustration is the one you see in the left page of the library scene , above . Perfect for classroom or library ! © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . I won both books from the author in a twitter drawing and had just finished reading a book with slow pacing so I was craving a fast - paced read . I chose Keep Your Friends Close because it sounded like the kind of book I was looking for . Sure enough , the pages flew . I just finished Keep Your Friends Close , last night , and it was extremely satisfying . More on that , later . Not a big posting week . I 've begun working on my Ally - saurus review ( a children 's book ) so hopefully that bodes well for a productive blogging week . If not , I 'm not going to sweat it . At some point , I need to restock my hurricane supplies because we do have a tropical depression on the verge of turning into a tropical storm in the Gulf . Although it looks like it 's not predicted to come our way , it serves as a good reminder that it 's time to stock up on water , batteries and dry foods . And , I suppose I should buy a couple fresh fire extinguishers , since we had a small kitchen fire yesterday ( no damage ) - another reminder that one should occasionally refresh the supply as extinguishers do have an expiration date , from my understanding . Pamela by Samuel Richardson - Didn 't read any of Pamela till last night and after reading a fast - paced suspense ? Argh , my eyes were rolling . I 'd really , really like to get done with Pamela soon , but I 'm not sure if this will be the week it happens . I haven 't settled on a second fiction read but I still have Bear Grylls ' book sitting by the bedside and will read more of it , today . I read a little bit of The Boys in the Boat By Daniel James Brown for F2F book group discussion and must admit I was bored out of my mind . Maybe it would be better to read a paper copy ? I keep finding myself looking at how many minutes I have till the end of the chapter . If you 've read The Boys in the Boat , tell me . . . does it improve ? I haven 't gotten very far . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Out of context , the excerpt above may sound odd but in Vaclav Havel 's Faustian play , Temptation , it 's actually pretty funny because it 's meaningless . In Temptation , Foustka is the Faust character who is tempted by the devilish Fistula , a man with a smelly foot fungus . Foustka is a scientist but the playwright leaves the work of the scientists ambiguous . All we know is that black magic is taboo and Foustka has been studying the occult for some time . When Fistula offers Foustka the chance to further his career and expand his love life by dabbling in the dark arts , Foustka is at first resistant but then gives in with the expected results ( selling your soul never works out ) . Temptation is by far the most light - hearted version of Faust that I 've ever read and I enjoyed it immensely . I 've read a few other stories that were obviously based on Faust but I didn 't realize just how many similarly Faustian works of art exist ( including poetry , plays , novels , music ) until I looked up " novels based on Faust " on Google and came across this Wikipedia entry : Works based on Faust . And , it 's not all - inclusive . Fascinating , this human obsession with temptation by the devil . As it turned out , I 've read a lot more works based on Faust than I realized . I know I 've read at least three others since I began blogging but I can find only two posts and can 't recall the name of the third . Here are links to my reviews of the two I do recall : There were distasteful characters and moments in Temptation but I found the levity in Temptation made the reading unusually satisfying , although near as I can tell I 've enjoyed every version of Faust I 've read except The Phantom of the Opera . That one was a DNF , although I may give it a second go , eventually . I did enjoy the play , but mostly because I was excited to see Welsh actor John Owen - Jones ( who has also played Jean Valjean ) in person . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Up until Saturday of last week , not a single book had arrived and I thought , given the fact that it was also not much of a reading week , that there was going to be no malarkey to speak of . Or , twaddle ( same thing ) . And , then Saturday happened . On Saturday I had to pick up a book from the library and the library sale just happened to be going on . Since I left Huzzybuns in the car , I had to move quickly and this is what I grabbed : Both of the books I finished were around 100 pages . Between dealing with the aftermath of last week 's hole in the ceiling and other clean - up in preparation for the arrival of furniture , last week just wasn 't a big reading week . I came across Temptation while I was hunting for a classic that a friend was considering reading . Technically , Temptation should have been shelved with other plays rather than classics ( I think ) but I 'm glad I found it . When the Moon is Low by Nadia Hashimi - A July release . I read 22 pages the first night I opened When the Moon is Low and then realized I remembered almost nothing when I woke up . So , I started over and am about 60 pages in , at the moment . It 's an understated story and each time I pick it up I have to flip back a few pages to see what recently happened . Hopefully , it will become more memorable as the story progresses . Extreme Food by Bear Grylls - I 'm on p . 90 out of 259 pages . I 'm finding pluses and minuses to Extreme Food , at this point . If you carry it with you when traveling / camping ( especially after a first reading so you 'll know what specific items to gather ) it could definitely help you survive if disaster were to occur . I 'm on the section about fishing and Bear is telling me how to make my own hook , find bait , determine where the best spot is to fish , etc . - - good stuff . But , I recently read the part about mushrooms and got the impression that unless you plan to study mushrooms , as in , buy a big guidebook with full - color photos and get an expert to help teach you , Bear 's section on mushrooms is fairly useless ( in fact , he pretty flatly says you really need a concise guide if you ever plan to eat them ) because there are far too many dangerous mushrooms that look almost identical to those that are edible . At least he 's honest . I 'm enjoying the book , although it 's one that is , I think , best in small doses so you can sit back and let the information sink in . Pamela by Samuel Richardson . . . of course . I only picked up Pamela twice , this week , and read briefly . Fortunately , Pamela is the kind of novel that you can set aside for a week or a month and have no problem continuing when you get around to picking it up , again . That 's probably because the characters have a tendency to drive topics into the ground . You can 't help but remember what was up when the characters droned on about it for 25 pages . In other news : I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief that large post in which I talked about everything I hadn 't reviewed has been . It 's been such a wonderful stress - remover , akin to Atlas replacing the planet on his shoulders with a basket of kittens . At this moment , I only have two books waiting to be reviewed - - a very tolerable number - - and I 'm praying things will stay that way for the rest of the year . The last baseball game we attended was miserable . The heat and humidity have finally arrived with a vengeance . I came home with 3 mosquito bites and yet another bobblehead ( a different one from last week 's ; this week 's version was a fellow sliding into base , very cute ) . The next day , it cooled off in the evening so I went out and deep - painted 6 more deck planks . I made the mistake of not wearing enough insect repellant and ended up with 15 more bites . Thank goodness I 'm no longer fiercely allergic to mosquito bites . 4 - 5 bites used to put me to bed with a fever and flu - like symptoms . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . It was a quiet celebration . Just me , my cake , a bunch of quickly melting candles and a crowd of poison ivy leaves ( mocking me because they know they 're winning ) . I snapped the photo , ate part of the cake and scowled at the evil green vine . Technically , my bloggiversary was Saturday ( but I forgot ) . I 've been blogging since June 6 , 2006 . There are nine candles crammed onto that cake . Hard to believe how fast the time has flown . Because I spent my day chasing down candles , cake and confetti and then posing the cake , snapping and loading photos , I 'm going to skip Monday Malarkey and do a Tuesday Twaddle post , instead . In the meantime , a million thanks to any and all who have visted my blog over the years . Many , many things have changed since 2006 . I had one child in college and one at home when I began blogging . One of those children has since married and made me a grandmother . I 've buried two cats and my mom since the beginning of the blog ( and have been adopted by two new kitties ) , met some wonderful fellow bloggers and authors , made new friendships and traveled places I would not have otherwise thought to go . I wish I could share my cake with all of you . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Fiona and I spent some time hanging out together in our home library when Someone Who Shall Remain Unnamed stuck a foot through our living room ceiling , this past weekend , causing unfathomable drifts of pink insulation to pile up on the living room floor . While Husband worked to patch the ceiling and tidy , Isabel was locked into the master bedroom and Fiona and I stayed in the library . They were both annoyed but eventually I carried Fi to the master bedroom , brought in food and water , and by the time we were freed some 5 - 6 hours post - disaster , I had a cat sleeping across my legs and a recent college grad snoring at the end of my bed . Isabel , who had continued pacing irritably , bolted . Wonderstruck by Brian Selznick - The tale of a young boy and a young girl living in two different time periods . Both are deaf and the story , told mostly through Selznick 's amazing illustrations , slowly reveals an unusual link between the two . Another lovely book from Selznick . I didn 't find it as magical as The Invention of Hugo Cabret but I enjoyed it . In the Loyal Mountains by Rick Bass - A collection of short stories that are so beautifully told I often wondered if they had really happened . I had to keep reminding myself I was reading fiction . The only thing I disliked about this collection of stories was that I felt they lacked a sense of completion . I wanted the endings all tied up nicely in a bow and they 're not . The writing is stellar , though , and In the Loyal Mountains is worth hanging onto for a reread . The Trip to Echo Spring : On Writers and Drinking by Olivia Laing - I bought and read Echo Spring for F2F discussion . Laing focuses on 6 alcoholic writers , some more familiar than others . Several destroyed their lives with alcohol , a couple were able to overcome their addictions . Woven into her search for understanding their destructive paths is the parallel tale of her own experience with an alcoholic . I found the book fascinating but was hoping for a broader perspective of the connection between addiction and the art of writing ; so were most of the members of my F2F group . But , I enjoyed the reading . The Third Twin by C . J . Omololu - A young adult book sent to me by a friend , The Third Twin is the fast - paced tale of teenage twins who take turns pretending to be someone they 're not : an imaginary twin they 've created , who is wilder and more daring than either of them . I can 't recall but I think the name either twin uses when pretending is Alicia , so I 'm going to run with that . Alicia 's dates are beginning to turn up dead . Is one of the twins guilty ? Have they managed to conjur someone real from their imaginations ? Or , has someone found out about " Alicia " and taken over the identity ? A quick read , not well - written but a page - turner . I wouldn 't call it a great book because the writing was a little sloppy , but I chose to turn off my internal editor and just relish the surprising twists . Evangeline by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow - An epic poem that tells the tragic love story of Evangeline and Gabriel , Acadians who are sent from their Canadian home by the British . Evangeline spends years wandering America , seeking Gabriel , only to find him dying . I read an annotated version of Evangeline ( which I plucked off the shelf when I was in the mood for a classic ) and I think I would have had difficulty without that extra bit of help . I loved the language and savored the beauty of the story , even though it ends tragically . It 's surprisingly moving and beautiful . The Roosevelts : An Intimate History by Geoffrey C . Ward and Ken Burns - I watched part of the PBS production to which The Roosevelts is a companion and found it fascinating so I was excited when I found a copy of this oversized book at my local library branch . It is absolutely packed with photos and tells about the lives of Theodore , Franklin , and Eleanor Roosevelt and their families . It took me forever to read because I love old photographs and actually pulled out a magnifying glass to study the details of most of them . And , then , in the end the point of checking the book out was completely thrown out the window when I decided to buy my own copy . Oh , well . So much for trying to save money . It 's worth owning , though , in my humble opinion . Brutal Youth by Anthony Breznican - The one book that has continued to haunt me , this year . Peter , Noah and Lorelei are all outcasts who 've moved to a private Catholic school hoping to improve their lives . Each has his or her own challenges at home ; and , at school they must band together to deal with the bullies who are allowed to cause them grief because bullying / hazing has become a school tradition . A darkly comic tale that honestly exposes how the adults can cause just as much trouble as the students through dishonestly , violence , the choice to ignore bad behavior , and playing favorites - - and how sometimes trying too hard to become popular backfires . I 'm planning to reread Brutal Youth , soon . Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig - Matt Haig is one of my favorite people in the Twitter world and a fairly new addition to my list of favorite authors . He 's outspoken about depression and how we stigmatize people with mental illness . In Reasons to Stay Alive , he describes his own experience with despair and how he 's found ways to keep himself going , even in the darkest times . While his experience is vastly different from my own , there were moments that I thought , " Yes , this ! " and " Exactly ! " An important book . Even if you 've never been depressed , it may help you to understand and deal with the people you encounter who experience depression , anxiety , and / or suicidal thoughts . The Great Depression and WWII : 1929 - 1949 by George E . Stanley - An unfortunately slim book - - really almost a booklet , it 's so small - - containing brief descriptions , photos and excerpts from primary sources . I bought this to supplement my reading about the Great Depression , in particular , and was disappointed . And , yet , I did learn a few new things . I considered returning the book but decided there was enough useful material to hang onto it as a reference . Children of the Great Depression by Russell Freedman - An excellent children 's book about the Great Depression by the author of the Newbery - winning Lincoln : A Photobiography . Packed with excellent photos and references , as well as some wonderful photographs . When I finished reading Children of the Great Depression , I realized I might as well have sent back the Stanley book because the references in Freedman 's book were far better . Live and learn . For the Term of His Natural Life by Marcus Clarke - An Australian classic that tells the story of a young aristocrat named Richard Devine . When Devine 's father finds out his wife was unfaithful and disowns Richard , the disgraced former heir leaves his father 's house and comes across a murdered man . Accused of the man 's murder , he changes his name to Rufus Dawes and is tried , convicted and transported to Australia , where he experiences a number of hardships and adventures while totally unaware that his father died before managing to change the will . By far the most exciting , gripping , captivating story I 've read , this year . Ten Days in a Mad - House by Nellie Bly - I was surprised how short this classic work of journalism is . Nellie Bly was a young journalist who was asked if she 'd be willing to fake madness to get herself committed , specifically so she could write about the conditions at a New York asylum . She succeeded and found that women were being treated so cruelly that even those who were quite normal when committed often went crazy from mistreatment . A hard read and not quite what I expected but fascinating . Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare - This was my third or fourth reading of Romeo and Juliet but it 's been ages since the junior high lit reading and I 've never read a version that was annotated . It was eye - opening . I had no idea how dirty the story is and it clarified the relationships between characters as well as the insanity of their behavior . So much rude humor . I still love it for particular bits of dialogue but I really wanted to whack the characters on the noggin . There 's a Trick with a Knife I 'm Learning to Do by Michael Ondaatje - A volume of poetry with 15 years ' worth of Ondaatje 's work and by far the most fascinating volume I 've read , this year . Sometimes his poetry is completely baffling , with phrases that crash into each other , a lack of punctuation . . . kind of a drunken feel to the writing . At other times , it 's lucid and visceral enough to make you either laugh or cry or just make your skin crawl . An amazing collection . Nine Horses by Billy Collins - There was a hangover effect from the Ondaatje that diminished the effect of Nine Horses . I usually love Billy Collins but his writing is predictable and sometimes a bit fussy . The wildness of Ondaatje made the switch to Collins feel like a strange plummet into a 10 - foot pile of pillows . Having said that , once I got over the lasting shadow of Ondaatje , I enjoyed Nine Horses and was surprised to find that one of my favorite Collins poems was in this volume . How Penguin Says " Please " and How Tiger Says " Thank You " by A . Samoun and S . Watts - Two children 's board books that contain the quoted word ( s ) in 8 different languages . I 've meant to photograph the interiors but I admit that I found the pronunciation of some of the languages so baffling to read that I had to listen to them online . That made me hesitate . I wasn 't sure whether I actually liked the books because some of the languages ( Russian , Egyptian , Chinese ) are so difficult . But , as a child I loved knowing how to count to 10 in a half - dozen different languages and they 're a nice introduction to language for small children , even if not the lmost familar to Americans . Too Loud a Solitude by Bohumil Hrabal - A Czech classic about a man who spends his day compacting paper and rescuing books from the jaws of his machine . Definitely a book for lovers of words , Too Loud a Solitude is impressively bizarre and unique . It 's also pretty grim but oddly satisfying . At times , it turns the stomach ( when he must compact bloody paper covered with flies from a butchery and entire families of mice go into the compactor along with the paper they 've burrowed inside ) but there 's just something marvelously perfect about Too Loud a Solitude . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . The beginning of The Sixth Extinction was , I thought , a bit wobbly . A book about past mass extinctions as well as the one humans are currently creating , I expected the chapters to be tied into each other a little better . Instead , each of the first few chapters felt like entirely separate entities . It turned out there 's a reason for that bumpy start . Apparently , those first few chapters ( I don 't know how many ) were originally published as individual articles . However , eventually Kolbert hit her stride and The Sixth Extinction began to feel like it had a purpose , leading up to but not overly strident about the concept that humans have not only altered the earth by driving the climate change that is likely to lead to a mass extinction in the ocean in about 35 years but also about how we 've already been causing extinctions of flora and fauna for almost our entire existence . I found it startling , although I don 't suppose I should . In today 's world , you blink and another animal goes extinct or is added to the endangered list . Still , the book was surprising in many ways . I 've been reading about climate change for a long time and the science is solid but I 've never read anything at all about ocean warming . This , it appears , is the concept that ought to induce panic . It 's not the melting icecaps , which are causing rising oceans and killing off animals that require the icy regions ' strength in order to survive , nor even the warming that 's causing storms to grow stronger . Instead , it 's the acidification of the water that is a fearful thing . Once it reaches a certain level . . . massive die - off , gloom , doom . Really , the potential loss of all that seafood alone ought to be enough to frighten us to action . The only downfall to this book is that it can get a little too scientific , at times , at least for some of us . I 'm not well - versed in biology ; I don 't know a family from a genus from a hole in the head , but the author liked using the Latin names of flora and fauna and occasionally went a little deeper into the science than I 'd have liked . I can read between the lines but I felt a little stupid , I suppose . Highly recommended . Another frankly terrifying but exceptional book by Elizabeth Kolbert , excellent as a follow - up to Field Notes from a Catastrophe , although not as in - your - face blunt and a little more technical . The few lines about the likelihood of life as we know it ending in the near future were uttered by scientists , not the author herself . Kolbert even talks about how long ago the first person discovered that we were causing climate change . 100 years , people . At one point , a Russian scientist recommended burning fossil fuels to deliberately change the climate , making more of Russia livable and screwing up life for North Americans . All Russia had to do was wait , though , as the dependence upon fossil fuels grew and we made the change without malice . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Yes , really , this is the only book that arrived , this week ! So shocking . I even walked around the house , looking in all the usual places , to make absolutely certain I didn 't overlook anything . Yes , again , only one . But , it 's a doozy . I 've read quite a number of books on climate change ( The Sixth Extinction is about past mass extinctions and just discusses climate change as a factor in extinction ) but this is the first one that 's really talked about ocean warming with any depth and it 's bracing stuff . According to the scientists Kolbert spoke to , we 've got about 35 years before the warming and acidity of the ocean lead to a mass extinction of sea critters . Pamela by Samuel Richardson - I took a week off from Pamela . It was a busy week and I didn 't find much reading time , anyway ; but I needed to step away from it before digging into the second half . Pamela is so annoyingly stupid . I am enjoying the book , if only for the cultural perspective , but she sometimes gets on my nerves . Extreme Food by Bear Grylls - I also didn 't touch Extreme Food , this week . I 'll return to it , tonight . The heat and humidity have so fully descended that I have a feeling we won 't return to deck painting till fall . And , as Huz noted , " Other problems keep interferring . " One of those was a college grad sticking his foot through the living room ceiling , causing drifts of pink insulation ( wow , this house is really well - insulated ) to pile up on the living room floor and a red wasp to dog the poor guy trying to patch the hole . And , then someone who goes by the name " Bookfool " dropped an earring down the drain , today . Sorry , Huzzybuns . Before it became gruesome outside , we did manage to attend a surprisingly cool and breezy baseball game on Friday night . We got free bobbleheads . Jealous ? It was kind of a boring game ( a pitcher 's duel ? ) most of the night but our team managed a slender victory in the 9th inning . And , then we stayed for the fireworks show , which we 've never before done . It was fabulous . Unfortunately , I don 't have photos because I haven 't been taking a camera with me to baseball games since I broke the good camera . My point - and - shoot can 't do baseball justice . Since several people have asked me ( and I didn 't bother making an announcement ) , just a side note to those of you who are Facebook friends : I 'm taking a brief holiday from Facebook . I 'll be back . I had just read an article about why it 's not necessary to always announce your plans on social media , right as I came to the conclusion I needed a break , hence the disappearance without mention . © 2015 Nancy Horner . All rights reserved . If you are reading this post at a site other than Bookfoolery or its RSS feed , you are reading a stolen feed . Email bookfoolery @ gmail . com for written permission to reproduce text or photos . Bookfool periodically whispers unusual words and disappears in a puff of smoke . New review policy can be seen below by clicking on the Eat , Sleep , Read image . All material ( including photos , but excluding most cover images ) is my own unless otherwise stated and thus protected by copyright . Please leave a comment on any post to request permission to use content from this blog .

Tags : Babysitting , Bible , Books , Cell phones , Chicago , Children , Chorale , College , Conflict , CPO , Extrovert , Faith , Food , God , Jesus Christ , Language , Life , Love , Music , Naps , PCM , Personal Space , roommate , Sensory Overload , Singing , Sleep , Writing Bullet points of my last month in College in Chicago . Enjoy ! 🙂 ( in no particular order ) ( p . p . s . The tone of this particular post shifts considerably all over the board … just bear with me and realize that I am really happy to be here and besides the long - ish section , I 'm doing ok , and working through stuff with people . I share my honest feelings at the time of the particular happenings without going into more details ( the ' boring ' stuff ) about what happened afterwards . My roommate is awesome . She and I get along but we almost never see each other because of our completely opposite schedules . We 're the ' opposites attract ' situation . Random fact : she falls asleep within 5 minutes of lying down ! ! She 's amazing like that . Chorale is AMAZING ! ! ! I absolutely love it ! ! I can 't overemphasize how wonderful chorale is . 🙂 There are 31 of us , and although we are small , we have a very beautiful sound . I 'm most excited about some of the beautiful chords in a couple of the songs , as well as this one song we 're singing in Indonesian ( it 's quite challenging ! ) . We memorize all of our music , though I 've only memorized one piece so far ( practiced over 14 pieces ) . The chorale retreat really helped me get to know everyone - but I can 't share the initiation stuff or chorale traditions . You 'll just have to join chorale to find out what happened . 😉 🙂 Every time I go to practice , I feel like I 'm a music major and I fit in . It 's a new experience to be among so many people my own age who love music like I do . I 'm not sure this will adequately describe what I do , but , when I sing a song I tend to add my own melody / harmony to it instead of singing the regular harmony . At least , on more modern songs . I don 't always do that to old hymns , etc . But pretty much everything else gets something added . The other people here do it too ! ! 🙂 I 've got a babysitting job once a week for 3 hours with children whose parents are attending MBI . Tonight there were around 7 or 8 children . All of them were under the age of 3 or 4 ( at the oldest ) and most of them were on the younger side . I spent most of the time holding a little boy named Benjamin and just holding him as he made himself cry for no reason . After spending over 15 minutes trying to distract him , I simply gave up and just sat with him . Oh , and I ate dinner and fed him his bread stick in little bits which did keep him quiet for a while . I love working with children , though I was really tired around 2 hours into it . I don 't even know how much I 'll get paid ( or when , because of paperwork ) . Naps . I can 't say I 've really ever been able to nap in my life before ( well , besides when I was a child ) . But now ? ? Taking a nap is a common thing in college . It 's a wonderful thing ! There 's nothing better than a short ( or long ! ) nap to give you energy for the rest of the day . And no , coffee is not better than a nap . The only thing not cool is when it ends in a nightmare that haunts you for the rest of the day … now - that - , I could live without . = P Everyone has their own specific favorite thing to eat in the SDR ( student dining room ) . For me it 's cheese . 😀 For one girl , it 's hot chocolate . Another loves cereal . One only eats salads . One loves peanut butter with every meal . It 's quite interesting and amusing . 🙂 We all tease each other good natured - ly . * looks at tiny spider crawling up dresser * Me : " I hate spiders . " ( as I kill it with the nearest thing I can find ) Roommate : " For someone who hates spiders , you certainly don 't sound scared . " Me : " It 's complicated . I hate them , but I don 't scream or freak out … I would normally capture it and take it outside , but living in a dorm makes that a bit more complicated . I 'll kill spiders I find in my room here . " " You 're checking those out for pleasure reading ? ? ? " * surprised voice of the librarian * Me : " Yeah . I love languages . " 🙂 I think I was checking out a book on Arabic script , a book on the Ukrainian language , 2 books on Latin ( for singing in chorale , not because I 'm studying that language ) , and 2 Linguistic books . You know what I love about college ? ? I 'm here . I 'm a college student . I 'm confident in that . I can be myself . It doesn 't matter if I don 't fit in . It 's totally new . Not that I don 't always try to not fit in … I do like to fit in , I 'll admit that . But it 's so nice to not have to worry about fitting in all the time . I 'm in , already . No one else can take that away . College girl / partner in a weekly project : " Judgmental much ? ? " ( sarcastic / joking tone ) after I had commented , " That man just walked across the street a minute ago . " I mean , come on , he walked across the street while on his phone , stood on the other side and then walked back . Who doesn 't notice things like that ? ? ! 😉 My response ( admittedly a little miffed ) : " No . I just notice details . Besides , he speaks Arabic . " ( yeah , I know , that - totally - makes it non - judgmental if it relates to a language ) xD Roommate : " You aren 't a city girl , are you ? " - walking around for 45 minutes completely lost in downtown Chicago - . Me : " Well , not exactly . I 'm from a suburb . How can you tell I 'm not from a city ? And you aren 't exactly a city girl either . " I was genuinely curious to know what sets me apart from ' everyone ' else ( besides the actual fact that I 'm not from there ) . R : " You walk differently - smaller strides . You ask constant questions about where we are and you look nervous . You chatter . You notice everything . " Me : * thinking : didn 't they tell us to be aware of our surroundings in every safety class I 've ever taken ? * " Really ? How do people walk ? " * she demonstrates * Me : " Oh , well , I have short legs , so of course I don 't walk like that . It would be awkward . Do people really not notice things like I do ? " ( notice the constant chattering , haha ) She just shook her head . So the noticing thing has come up a lot now . I guess I 'm observant . And I 'm happy to be that . 🙂 What fun would life be if we never saw anything ? Multiple people at different times : " Did you get my text / voicemail ? " Me : " No . I don 't use my cell phone ever . Remember ? I told you that . I also don 't text . Do you have my e - mail ? " … I think I 've explained this to everyone on the campus ( it feels like that sometimes ) . I think I 'm one of 5 people out of 1000 + who don 't text / use their phones ever ( if they even have one ) . Besides the bars never are high enough for me to call anyways so it is almost pointless ( where as everyone 's more expensive phones get great reception here ) . I 'm a tiny tiny bit frustrated when people ask me if I got their texts / messages when I distinctly remember telling them specifically that I * almost * never use my phone . I wasn 't kidding . I don 't . I don 't even remember to turn it on , so I 'm sure next time I - do - , it will pop up with about 10 new messages and texts . For part of a class assignment , I have to read the entire Pentateuch ( Genesis , Exodus , Leviticus , Numbers and Deuteronomy ) . Although I will admit to it being quite a long read , and not always the most engaging reading in the world , God 's been teaching me things through it ( well , of course , what else should I have expected ? Even though not all of the O . T . ( Old Testament ) laws apply to us anymore , there 's still much to be gleaned about God and his character and other things related ) . Maybe I 'll put up some of my specific notes / thoughts sometime in a future post . Sticky notes are THE best ! ! 🙂 It 's almost 2 : 30 in the morning and I 'm awake . WHY ? ? No clue , but I 'm awake and it might have to do with the nap nightmare I had this afternoon . It involved life sized ant / bug / THINGS / creepyTHINGS , and eating them , and them being bad and taking over , and me floating in the air ( the only non - creepy / ok part ) , and other things . It was just generally disturbing . I can usually put things out of my mind , but this one just pops up whenever I least wish to remember it . At least it wasn 't worse . I have had at least 2 much worse dreams before . CPO ! ! 🙂 It 's so cool ! You can send people on campus notes / gifts / letters or send mail to anywhere else as well . When you 're in college it 's really really fun to get mail ! Scratch that . It 's ALWAYS fun to get mail and packages . 🙂 My parents surprised me and sent me ( through a friend , and not through CPO , now that I think about it … ) a box with all sorts of things . I only expected a new ( replacement ) backpack ( because my ' new ' one broke within a week or two of using it ) , a personal item and a computer foot ( my computer has 4 and they have fallen off a couple of times ) . Inside , however , was a bag of gummy bears ( totally unexpected ! ) , a bag of trail mix , a bag of dried fruit ( my favorite ! ) , and a box of cheese crackers ( and probably other stuff as well , but this was a couple of weeks ago ) . ^__^ I 've never had the opportunity to live with this many people my age or even spend most of my time with people my age . So the first week ( / 2 weeks ) was a social high . It was crazy and I 'm convinced that I was running on pure energy from people . Then I sorta crashed and had / am having a " sensory overload " . I had that at home , but at home … there were 9 other people , not over one thousand ( ok , more like 100 + that I actually know personally , but still ! It 's a lot to take in all the time ( virtually all the time ) ) . I think this point could get rather lengthy so I 'm going to split it up into a couple of points . First off , let me say this . I absolutely love the dorm floor I 'm on . 😀 The girls here are amazing ! There are around 30 of us ( 18 freshmen ) on our wing of the floor and I know the huge majority of them and get along with all of them . We all have bonded really well in the past 4 and a half weeks . You know what 's even more exciting ? ? ? Unless you specifically request to be moved , you stay on the same floor all of your college time ! ! ! ^__^ That means I 'll be with most of these girls until we graduate ! How cool is that ? ? We 've got a good mixture of girls . We are studious but we also have fun . So , I think it balances nicely . There 's always someone asking about how you did in a quiz ( since we 're mostly in the same classes this first year ) and discussing what they 're reading / studying . It 's not a competition , but we talk about it all the time . We certainly aren 't lacking for social events though , either . I haven 't even gone to most of them ( don 't worry , I 've hung out with people , just , not at coffee places ) . Each floor is assigned a ' bro ' floor . We have an awesome bro floor ( and yes , I started almost every sentence with the word " We " ) and I 've gotten to do 2 events with them . We also eat all of our meals with them . We don 't have to , but it 's fun having a specific place you are invited to sit in . The girls on our floor are about 2 / 3 late nighters . The other 1 / 3 go to bed early or aren 't ever on campus so I have no idea what their schedule is . So , there are always people around . ALL the time . In class . In between class . In the hallways . On campus . On the bus . On the streets . In your room . In the bathroom . You 're literally with people almost all of your waking hours unless you purposefully sequester yourself off by 1 ) listening to music on headphones / earbuds , 2 ) physically disappearing into the library ( which also has people in it , but they 're supposed to be quiet - er ) , or 3 ) locking your room door whenever your roommate isn 't around and just being alone . The only think time ( reflective thinking ) for me is when it 's quiet and no one is trying to communicate with me . When I 'm by myself . If you go to bed at 12 or 1 every night and you 're up at 6 : 30 , around people all day , doing homework in your room as your roommate studies , or girls come in and out , etc . , and girls make noise in the halls , and then you go to bed it is a cycle that never ends . I 'm an extrovert , and I love people . But this is too much of a good thing . So , if you 're a college friend and you 're reading this don 't think I 'm mad at you or don 't want to be friends if I 'm listening to my iPod once and a while between classes or I just don 't seem in a talkative mood . I just need to spend some time thinking and I can 't do that if I 'm constantly interacting with others . The noise here can be overwhelming to me . In certain classes ( 2 , to be exact ) the class consists of at least 70 students . When we have a break ? ? ! The noise just overwhelms me . I want to hang out with you guys ( friend ) . I haven 't hung out much in the past , so I love doing that ! I love you guys , actually , college is amazing and I 've met and am making some wonderful friends . 🙂 I do want to hang with you guys ! Just not all the time every day of every week of every semester of every year … you get the point . : p I 've never had this problem with friends before , but then again , I 've never been in this sort of situation . At home I could just disappear to my room and turn up my headphones all day because I was homeschooled . I have classes every day all morning here , so I will be around people ( guaranteed ) at least half a day ( which is good , and I like classes ) for 5 days a week . Plus chorale for 4 hours every week , and my PCM once a week for over 4 hours when you add up the travel time + actual service time . ( PCM - practical Christian mission ) Plus all 3 of my meals every day since I 'm currently on the 20 meal plan . Plus the campus groups I 'm in , or looking to join . Plus everything else - i . e . life . I think I 'm being over redundant because it 's so ridiculously early in the morning . Remind me not to get myself started on a touchy subject again at this hour of the morning . I think you 've got the point . I went from having a lot of time at home to myself ( almost all of my time ) to think and do things alone to being in an atmosphere where you 're expected to spend almost all of your time with people all the time . And it 's rude if you don 't . Well , I 'm an adult now , and that doesn 't give me an excuse to be rude . However , I can express myself and politely ask for space once and a while and respect ( and be respected by ) others . We 're all on an equal level here ( ish , ok , there are upper class men / women and I respect you guys , I just mean in general we 're all here as students ) . Most of the people I saw at home were my elders / adults in my life . I like to please people even when I 'm frustrated , annoyed . Though I 've been told I don 't hide my feelings well , so maybe they 've always known they just ignored my facial expressions . Who knows . xD But , next time I need space I 'm just going to admit that to whomever happens to be trying to talk with me at the moment in a kind way but completely dead honest . My RA says I 'm … oh , I can 't think of the word she used , … but if you combine outspoken and honest together , you get the idea . I 'm blunt . I say what 's on my mind , without always thinking how it will be taken . I think in black and white sometimes , or just spew out whatever I observe ( see points far above this one ) . I notice things and I haven 't learned the art of patience . I just learned how to ask questions . This blog post pretty much shows my point . I 'm overstimulated so little things ( such as friends wanting to talk , which is a perfectly natural thing ) bother me when they shouldn 't . The other thing that bothered me this week was when 2 different people signed me off ( or tried to ) on an attendance sheet when I was right there next to them . They meant nothing by it , and in fact were trying to help , which is awesome . But all 3 times ( no , my math is right , just one person did it twice because I didn 't comment the first time ) I was very upset . The first time it happened I was more surprised than anything . The second time I was just shocked the person did it again and I said so and said ( not so politely ) that I would be quite capable of crossing my own name off the list at the next class . The third person didn 't even have a chance to cross off my name because I sorta jumped all over her as soon as I heard her ask where my name was on the list . I still need to apologize to her for that , actually , because she was a bit startled at my upset response . I 've already worked out the disagreement with the other girl , thankfully . 🙂 That 's another adult thing … apologizing , asking for forgiveness , and working through stuff . It 's hard work ! College isn 't easy . There 's always homework - reading , quizzes , book reports , essays and projects . Dealing with this many people all the time is really hard for me . There 's always conflict to work through in some way , shape or form . They require a lot of us here at Moody and they keep us busy . I love it , but I won 't sugar coat it . 🙂 I wouldn 't trade my experiences here for anything else . Last , but certainly not least , is God . Wow . He 's teaching me sooo many things here ! I won 't go into them because that 'll be another long topic and this one is already over 2600 words long ! ! : O But in the first four weeks alone , I 've seen His faithfulness , His love , His holiness , and His forgiveness . Wow is all I can say . God is at work here and I 'm so glad He invited me to be a part of life here at MBI . 🙂 Now , it 's 3 am and I need to sleep ! ( don 't worry , I don 't have to wake up until 9 tomorrow because 2 of my normally scheduled classes were cancelled ) , 6 hours of sleep here I come ! ! Oh , if you want to pray for me : For the general health here . Sanitation isn 't quite where I 'd put it ( not in any part to blame on the college , the cleaning people are great ! It 's due to the people living here ) , so when one person gets sick it spreads very quickly . I thought a family of 10 was bad . A family of 1000 is much worse . : p I wanted to let you know about an upcoming opportunity God has given me . On Monday , June 24 , I will travel to Ukraine . I 'll return on July 22 ( 4 weeks later ) . Last September , I traveled to Ukraine for 9 days with a missionary friend of mine . This year , I will again be staying with her parents in the town of Tulchin . My friend cannot travel with me , so I will be going over alone . During the four weeks I will be working with the mission organization Building Hope . They serve orphans and special needs families . For two weeks this summer , they will offer a children 's VBS . Last year they had so many kids that they decided to expand to two weeks this year for the first time . They started doing VBS two years ago . On Sunday afternoons I will get to visit a nearby orphanage which holds over 200 kids . Last year I was only in Ukraine for one Sunday . At the end of the afternoon a couple of the girls asked if I would be coming back next week . With a heavy heart I told them I would not be back next week . I am so excited to see the kids again ( at least three more times ) . I don 't know specifically what jobs I will have during the weeks . I will help with the VBS in whatever areas I can . Building Hope also visits families with special need children to encourage them and help out wherever they can . So , I will be visiting different families and villages . The family I 'm staying with and the staff of Building Hope have asked me to teach them English . When I 'm not working on other things , I will be figuring out what to teach and how to teach it . I look forward to the challenge of putting last summer 's 1 month of TESOL training to good use ! I also plan on helping around the home ( s ) that I stay at ( I . e . Hand wash dishes , help fold laundry / hang it to dry , etc . ) . You 're probably asking yourself why I 'm writing to you . No , I 'm not writing to ask for money . I 'm asking for your prayers . More specifically , for : ~ Me , as I work on my first ' real ' English lessons ( both informal and formal ) . That I would know exactly what to teach . I know some basics on how , but figuring out the what is much more challenging . Thank you for reading my letter and praying for me . Oh , I almost forgot ! I will be posting updates during my trip on a special travel blog ( along with my regular blog ) . You can keep up with me there . Please comment with any / all questions / thoughts / comments you have ! I 'd love to answer them . Tags : and the Wardrobe , Bible , Books , C . S . Lewis , Children , Drama , Faith , God , Jesus Christ , Life , literature , Narnia , The Lion , the Witch Tonight , my family and I went to watch a drama performance of The Lion , The Witch , and the Wardrobe by C . S . Lewis . It was done by a group of kids middle school aged . Because they had such a large cast they split up the roles of the witch , the four Pevensie children and the dwarves . Everyone did a great job and I was moved all over again by the allegory and by the history behind it . C . S . Lewis wrote the Chronicles of Narnia series to show the message of Christ and portray the Christian worldview . It 's an excellent seven book series that I highly recommend you read or listen to whenever you get the chance . Even though it 's a children 's series , it 's message speaks to adults as well as children . The four children , Peter , Susan , Edmond , and Lucy move out to the English countryside in an old mansion owned by a professor to escape the London bombs during World War II . Lucy , the youngest , is exploring one day and she finds a wardrobe that leads her into the world of Narnia . Later on , they are all forced to hide in the wardrobe when the housekeeper leads a tour around the home . She had previously told them to stay out of her way and to stay out of sight when she gave tours . The rest of the story follows them through Narnia . It spans at least twenty years ( if not more ) . Edmond had also found Narnia ( quite by accident ) and met the White Witch . She tempted him with Turkish Delight ( his favorite sweet ) and he agreed to bring his siblings to her . He did not know her true intent of killing them all , he thought she was simply a strict but kind queen . He escapes the group when they all find Narnia for the first time as a group , and goes to tell the White Witch where his siblings are . He betrays them , and only afterwords realizes his awful decision . But by then it is too late to take anything he said back . What 's done is done . It 's at this point in the story that it feels as though everything is going to turn out into a happy ending . All of them are together , and Aslan is with them . But , there is a land of the law that the White Witch reminds Aslan of ( as if he needed reminding ) . It is a law set down when the world of Narnia was created . Aslan acknowledges the law , and makes a deal with the White Witch . Unbeknownst to the children , who are very worried for the safety of their brother , Aslan trades his own life for that of Edmond . He agrees to go in the place of the boy to fulfill the law . The White Witch has a party with her minions and she beats , mocks , and humiliates Aslan before finally driving her dagger into his heart . The great lion is dead . She heads out cheering , leaving behind a hidden Susan and Lucy ( who had followed Aslan at a distance ) . Completely distraught , Susan and Lucy come out of the bushes and weep over Aslan 's body . Finally resigning themselves to his death , they turn to head back to the encampment and tell the awful news to the others . Suddenly ( вдруг ) , a large cracking sound breaks the stillness of the morning . Running back to the stone table , the girls discover Aslan 's body is gone ! From off to the side , Aslan walks majestically out and greets the girls . He is alive ! ! Shocked , they ask if he is real or only a ghost . He roars and lets them touch him to prove his realness . Speechless , they listen as he tells of an even deeper law than the one the White Witch spoke of . But what I 'm after , are the very strong allegories to a historic event that happened about two - thousand years ago . Jesus Christ came to earth and took on a human body . He , like Aslan , was around during the creation of the world , in fact He spoke it into being . ( 1 John 1 : 1 - 3 ) As His creatures , humans were made in God 's image . But we rebelled . We were traitors to God and we listened to the enemy . According to God 's laws , any sin requires death of the perpetrator . That is like the law of Narnia . Blood is required to pay for the transgression ( sin ) . But that is where Christ stepped in and took the punishment that we deserved . Just as Edmond fully deserved death , we too deserve death . However , Christ ( and Aslan ) took all of our punishment and died in our place so that we might live forever and have a close relationship with God . That being said , I hope you will read the real historic story of Jesus in one of the gospels ( Matthew , Mark , Luke , or John ) and then afterwords read The Lion , the Witch , and the Wardrobe by C . S . Lewis . And while you 're there , you should also pick up his book Mere Christianity . It explains the basic beliefs we hold in a clear and concise way .

Why does being honest have to hurt so badly ? What is the truth ? I 'm sure every single person on this planet will ask themselves this question today and everyday henceforth ; it 's a question that has plagued me ever since I started serious thought into the most important life question a human being will ever ask : Do I want to be a parent or not ? Two years and eight months ago I met the most wonderful lady I could ever imagine ; I said a prayer asking Jesus for a certain woman and she met everything I ever asked for even down to hair and eye color . She was a dream come true ; during our time in college we had the time of our lives . Staying out late , sleeping in all day , yelling until we lost our voices at football games , two - stepping at our favorite dance hall ; I must admit that the first two years truly were the most fun . Then the inevitable happened , both of us graduated ; that 's when the reality of life hit us square in the head and the euphoria of college life started to dwindle away . When we first met , and I must admit I was rather shocked by this ; she mentioned rather randomly of how she wanted two kids . Naturally she asked me what my desire was and as shocked as I was , I was amazed I was even able to stammer out a nervous answer . " Two ? That seems like a lot , I think I 'd rather have one first and see how it goes from there ; I think they 're a lot of hard work . " Was I being honest at the time when I said that during the first few weeks ? I 'd like to think so ; but at that point my attitude had been to just shrug my shoulders at the issue and say , " Why not ? It 's just what people are supposed to do ; get married and become parents . " Who honestly is thinking seriously about this kind of thing while they 're having the time of their life in college ? I don 't deny that some people do , obviously my girlfriend was ; but among men , I would be surprised if many of them were . I 'll never forget the uneasiness I felt though even when I answered , ' yes ' ; without anyone telling me , I instinctively knew hoPosted by Quite a story , Brian . As a 47 - year - old childfree man who once had to break similarly unwelcome news to a ladyfriend , I can appreciate to some degree what you went through . However , in my case , I had been dating her for only 5 months and the subject had never arisen although from the way she fawned about the kids in her nursery school class I should have suspected that she did want to have them . Even after waiting 5 months before telling her made her a bit upset but upon learning that we agreed to end the relationship ( it was already on the rocks for other reasons ) . To me , it looks like you got yourself into some trouble in your initial reply to her desire to have 2 kids . You were already a fence - sitter , so for you the issue was not whether you wanted to have 1 or 2 kids but whether you wanted to have ZERO or more than ZERO kids . Your answer was not a dealbreaker for her ; I suspect that even if she had ended up having only 1 kid with you she would have been okay , okay enough to not have broken up with you when you replied you might only want 1 kid . You also needed to not fear so much the words , " It 's over " once you told her you did not want to have kids . You also needed to be prepared for any yelling and screaming from her end and just WALK AWAY safely and immediately , no matter how she responded . Her trying to convince you to change your mind was wrong . Going to a counselor was also wrong , as you were not abnormal in any way . It does not matter WHY you don 't want to have kids , only that you don 't want to have them . You and she have an irreconciliable difference , a dealbreaker , one that cannot be overcome . Not only do you need to free yourself from her so you can find a childfree woman , but you need to free HER so she can find a man who wants to have kids . Both of you are pretty young , in your mid - 20s it appears based on all the school stuff . What you have learned from this , is that you can 't wait 2 + years before breaking this likely dealbreaking news to a partner . For me , I learned that waiting even 5 months is too lonJanuary 31 , 2011 at 7 : 12 AM Breaking up is hard to do . But it sounds like your girlfriend , although she is beautiful , fun and cool - - is also irrational and unkind when she doesn 't get her way . After seeing this dark side of her . Anger at her dogs for making noise during her naps . Calling you satanic for not wanting children . It is time for you to split . If she really was missus almost right , she would have responded more kindly to the dogs and to the issue over children . Rather than insulting you , she may have entered an impassioned discussion . I used to be a harpy like that . I yelled at my husband , insulted him for our differences . It was wrong of me and it was bad for our relationship . I have since put a lot of time into growing more mature and we can talk about our problems without as much unkindness and insults . When looking for you miss right , look for someone who will engage with you on these questions kindly . And after a few dates , pop the question , are you planning on having children ? I 'm not . On another note , although I completely believe your statement that you are childfree . I cannot imagine you having children with a woman who shows this sort of unkindness - - if you ever do decide to have children , you will want to have them with a partner who has their eyes wide open about what child rearing entails and is willing to take it headon . You will see evidence in this woman that she can care for children from how she cares for pets and family member 's children - - and most of all you . A mother needs to be patient and charitable in order to take on the extreme hardships childrearing entails . I went through this exact same thing . thought maybe I could compromise and then later realized that was a very bad idea . Except mine was three and half years . it was hard but my ex made it easier in a way b / c he just packed up and left while I was out of town for the weekend . It was a shitty thing to do on his part and he took the cowards way out , but it made the whole thing easier , like ripping off a band - aid . Part of me wishes I had been firm in my decision and not stayed in the relationship , but part of me is glad I stayed b / c I loved him and I don 't regret being with him and we are staying friends b / c we still very much care about each other . But I do know it is not something I would ever do again . I make sure to be really up front with people about me not wanting kids . And hopefully sometime in the near future I 'll be getting fixed and won 't even have to worry about birth control failing . Thanks for sharing your story , Brian . As a fellow childfree Christian , I agree with you 100 % on what you had to say regarding the Bible 's " commandments " to have children . There were plenty of people in the Bible that didn 't have children at all and were still God 's servants . Hey , Jesus didn 't have any kids - - guess he was a bad Christian , right ? When my husband and I were newlyweds , we did discuss kids . We both agreed to wait a few years and then have maybe one or two . We both knew it would be a lot of work and quite expensive as well . After we 'd been married for 4 years , we realized that a ) I had fertility issues that would require us to use artificial methods to have kids if we wanted them and b ) we really just liked NOT having kids . So , we just decided that we would remain kid - less and enjoy each other as a couple . Brian , I don 't think you did anything wrong in not telling your girlfriend sooner - how can you tell someone something you don 't * really * know yet yourself . I can identify with believing , or wanting to believe , at least for awhile , everyone who tells you that you will change your mind . I also had some childhood issues that I thought might be why I didn 't want kids , and I went to counseling too . It only took about 20 minutes into my first session ( I went a few times to discuss other issues too ) before i was VERY clear that I really just don 't want kids . I 'm sure there are cases of people who are scared to be parents because of a traumatic childhood , and I don 't think there 's anything wrong with at least exploring the possibility - especially when you 're trying to save a relationship . But it doesn 't sound like you are one of those people . It sounds like you know now that you don 't need a " reason " beyond just not wanting them . But I totally agree with the other commenters that you need to get out of this relationship . This really isn 't something you can compromise on . It 's not fair to you OR to her to continue . There IS someone else out there for both of you ! And she did tell you a lot about her character by just immediately criticizing you and assuming that you don 't know what YOU want . And you are in real danger of an accidental pregnancy - either a real accident or an " oops " by her to trap you . Trust me , women actually DO that ! Look at getting a vasectomy . As a male you have the advantage that most doctors will actually do it for you without waiting until you are over 30 or have a kid first . Or even just tell her you want to get one and see what she says . I think you 'll see that she still just thinks you 're going to change your mind . I feel for you both . I feel for you , loving a woman and yet disagreeing on something so fundamental to life as whether to have children or not . I feel for your girlfriend , who has obviously never considered the option of not having children , who has a lifetime of conditioning ( by her family , by media , society etc ) to deal with before she will be able to even begin to understand your position . And whilst I think you have come to a clear , well thought through decision of your own , I fear that you think it is the right decision for her too . And it probably isn 't . And so it isn 't really fair of either of you to try to convince the other to change . You Christians do not have a corner on the market when it comes to being hassled about being childfree . I am Jewish , and you cannot go to a synagogue without tripping over a stroller , or have a conversation with a married woman without it turning to the kids she has or will have . The singles are just as bad . . . only talking about finding the man who will give them the kids they will have ) Breaking up is always hard to do . It sounds like you 're trying to avoid being the bad guy by making her break up with you . In my opinion , the best thing you can do for both of you is break up with her . . . not because there is anything wrong with her or with you , but because you have different long - term goals , which is one of the biggest factors in the success of a relationship . I was once a pretty evangelical Christian , and I felt a lot of pressure from my church to marry " the one " because God intended for us to be together . Well we got married at a young age and divorced not long after ( different long - term goals ) , and it didn 't take long for me to see that " the one " does not exist . I accept the purpose that relationship served at the time , and I learned a lot about what I want / need in a relationship . Sounds like you 're doing the same . I can certainly relate Brian , likewise I met a wonderful person during a stage when mentally I didn 't realize there was a difference between WANTING kids and having kids because it 's just what people do . Then it hit me that I was on the fence , which caused a lot of issues , especially as I began to realize which side of the fence I was on . I don 't think it 's dishonest ; dishonest implies you are intentionally misleading . If at the moment you say ' yes ' to kids you don 't actually know that you 're on the fence or CF then it isn 't an intentional lie . Furthermore it 's hypothetically possible to say yes and really truly want them in that instant . . and change your mind later . I also don 't deem that dishonest , people change and mature and grow and ( hopefully ) think , and with all of that sometimes they might change their mind on fairly major issues . At the end of the day CF vs breeder is a no - compromise issue . If one of you is firmly " must have kids " and the other firmly not then you must part ways , however painful that might be , however much time you 've spent together - parting ways is the only way to avoid profound resentment later . Also ( and I give this advice to both genders ) be VERY VERY VERY cautious about abstinence and / or birth control if you are cf in a relationship with a non - cf . It only takes one " oops " to change things forever . Well I 'm a preschool teacher and I don 't want my own kids ! I come home some days exhausted too from teaching . Unlike that woman though , I realized , " Hey , if I 'm exhausted after being with them for 8 hours a day , five days a week , 180 days a year , where will I find the energy for 24 / 7 / 365 ? " Besides , I can 't be the teacher the students need me to be if I don 't have my grown - up time away from them . Also , I don 't teach because I want to " play mommy . " Wiping snot , cleaning up barf and changing wet sheets on cots are among my least favorite parts of the job ( the bear hugs from little ones are nice , though ) . To me , teaching is activism I get paid for . It 's a tool for social change , education as a way of helping people get out of poverty and oppression . . . But that 's just me . And " be fruitful and multiply " seems to be the only command Christians follow to the letter ! Though I wonder , so much in the Bible means more than what it says . You have to go deeper , look at the context , etc . I wonder if " be fruitful and multiply " really was simply saying " have lots of chil ' ren , " or if it meant something else . Was God only talking about children when God said that to Adam and Eve ? What about multiplying God 's love , God 's kingdom on Earth ? Could God have meant that ? And you don 't need to have kids to do that . Brian , I applaud you for your honesty and for taking the time to really reflect on whether or not parenting was for you . It is unfortunate for you both that you didn 't know sooner , but good for you for figuring it out BEFORE having a child . I went through a similar , although different , situation a few years ago now . I dated someone for four years and told him the entire time that I was not interested in becoming a parent . Ever . His reply was that he was fine with that and wanted to be with me no matter what . We married and three years later , he tells me that having children is more important to him than our relationship , that it always has been more important , and that if I won 't concede to having children , the relationship is over . I asked him why he had told me it wasn 't important to him . His reply ? " I was sure you would change your mind after we got married . " I had made sure that there was no uncertainty for him about my lack of desire to have children , but he still expected me to change my mind . We divorced , needless to say , and now I am happily remarried to a man with no desire to procreate . Success at last ! Also , I would like to weigh in on the sterilization issue . . . I just recently went through a procedure to have Essure implants placed in my fallopian tubes to encourage my body to create scar tissue , thereby blocking my eggs from ever reaching my uterus and rendering me sterile . There is another such procedure for women called Adiana , which is much the same except the inserts are made of a different material . These procedures are sometimes done with general anesthesia , but can be done as an in - office procedure by some physicians who use local anesthesia . The procedure is no more invasive than a " yearly physical " and is quite easy to recover from . So , while I do agree that if a man doesn 't want kids , he should have a vasectomy to permanently prevent it , I also think that we women need to be as much in control of our sexuality as any man . If we want to be childfree , we are as much responsible for prevention , February 6 , 2011 at 12 : 19 PM Brian , sorry to hear your story , but I think it is better you guys are clear on where you stand now , before you got married or she got to a point where she started to want to try to get pregnant . I agree with one of the other comments that it is best to break things off with her now . It sounds like you guys are both clear on where you stand and you want different things . Regina - I went through a similar situation , but we weren 't married . He said for years it was more important to be with me than to have kids , but in the end he was biding his time assuming I would change my mind . When he finally realized I was never going to want kids , he broke up with me because he wanted them . It was tough at the time , but I ended up meeting and marrying a true childfree man who is superior to my ex in so many ways . When I sometimes feel that I wasted too much time on my ex , I remind myself that if things hadn 't happened in that time frame , my husband and I probably never would have met . It takes courage to talk about these feelings and these issues out loud and open yourself up to other people like this . You 're a man with courage , and that should be respected . Not to nitpick too much about the theological / historical side of things , but : insofar as the historical Jesus existed , let 's say he did , I don 't see conclusive evidence that he was childfree . If it 's just that the current versions of the Bible don 't mention any children , that doesn 't mean there weren 't any kids . ( Lack of evidence is not evidence of lack . ) His being childfree may be a later convention , like the idea that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute or that Jesus was skinny and had no body hair . ( In Ethiopian Christian churches , he 's got dark skin . ) The story about the priest who traded his own life at the hands of evil soldiers is a really really old martyrdom story that 's thousands of years old . The soldiers keep changing in the story , but the martyrs / priests / saints keep being heroic . I 'm not saying the tommies in Ireland weren 't brutal or that it didn 't happen , just that it 's a little too urban - legend - y . But , I agree whole - heartedly with your larger point - - aren 't there lots of heroes and icons who were exemplary people without children ? Whether the stories are true or not , the fact that these stories are inspirational is important . Clearly childfree people can be some of the most self - LESS people in the world . Your story highlights one of my biggest issues about telling people I don 't want children . I 'm often told " Oh you will change or mind , you will feel differently later , just wait . . . etc . . . " Because I 'm afraid of getting this reaction time and time again I often just tell people I 'm on the fence about it so I don 't have to deal with these types of comments . However , your post has inspired me to be open about my childfree choice and proud of my a choice that is right for me . Thanks ! Thanks for the kind words Jenn ; I don 't deserve any credit whatsoever . YOU found the courage to stand up for you believe is the best life choice for YOU ; be proud of yourself for standing up and declaring what you believe you boldly . I 'll admit that I too played the " unsure " card around my family to avoid a face to face confrontation with my parents . I just finally reminded them that this is MY life , not theirs , and to get back to concerning themselves with what their own . I worry about my younger brother . . . he isn 't this strong . He is getting married to a woman he has dated and lived with for over eight years , but to be truthful he is pretty " meh " about her , he has told me a few times that " It 's just too hard to split up , we have too many mutual friends , we bought the house together . . . " etc . He is actually super worried that she might get to keep the dog , since he " technically " bought it for her , but now my brother adores it . I was ( and am ) of course appalled at this attitude , as I flat out refuse to be with anyone who I am not crazy about , and vice versa . The sad thing . . . my brother is not alone . Not by a long shot . I know quite a few people who are marrying or married someone who " ticked the boxes " and someone who was basically the easy choice . He doesn 't want to get married , but after nearly a decade she is getting grouchy about it , and has basically pressured him into it . Again , he thinks it would just be easier to continue forward in the same trajectory than to make a wrenching change , and try another take on his future . ( I love him dearly . . . but are you getting that he is a bit of a wimp ? And worries A LOT about " fitting in " ? ) Also , all of his friends , THEIR friends are getting married and breeding . . . and he is afraid to break the chain . It makes me really sad . . . I know he just wants what I have , a hilarious , joyous , mischievous , intense , loyal , CHILDFREE and fun marriage . Not to say he can 't have all of those things AND the kids . . . but , uh , do YOU see that happening with someone he is halfhearted about in the first place ? So . . . I got another nice , but slightly depressing letter from him expressing how he told his fiancee AGAIN he does not want children , but she refuses to acknowledge this , and has strong - armed him into trying for a baby as soon as they are married . As he put it , ( quote ) " I told her , we can JUST HAVE ONE , that is all I will agree to . I might as well just get this over with so I don 't have to fight about it anymore . Besides , she would just get herself pregnant anyways . " May 8 , 2011 at 10 : 21 AM In reply to jilren : That 's a horrible situation , and they 're both to blame . I can 't imagine what it would take to rationalize the sabotage of birth control in order to get pregnant . I wonder how his girlfriend would feel if the situation were reversed - - what if he sabotaged her birth control pills even though she doesn 't want kids ? But , he 's responsible for the state of that relationship as well . If he leaves her with sole control of birth control , he 's already been rolling the dice . It won 't excuse any of her " oopsie " sabotage , but if she gets pregnant he has himself to blame too . It 's really hard to stand up to your partner if you don 't want kids and she does and won 't listen to you . I went through that myself , and I don 't envy him . Based on my experience , I 'd say he has a LOT of things he needs to sort out about himself - - the kids question is just one of many deep questions I avoided answering . Part 1 of comment : Wow , thank - you for sharing Brian . My ( now ) husband also had a similar experience to you , never really honestly wanting children , but assuming that he had to have them , so he didn 't explore his thoughts nor did he tell me he was thinking them . Every joke he made about having kids was negative , though when I would then ask him " are you sure you want kids ? " he would say yes . . . just not yet . I wasn 't seeing the signs and neither was he . . . After 3 years together ( he was 25 , I was 29 ) , following another joke about kids , I asked him " Why do you want to have kids ? " He said : " Because I think that I should have them and you want them . " I said " That 's not a good enough reason " and then essentially said that we should at least put the idea of not having kids on the table for discussion . I was terrified . I had always very strongly wanted to have children . My whole life growing up I assumed that we would , I wanted to be a stay at home mom , and I love babies and most children . But I also loved him , and in that moment , I was being very brave . Over the next hour and next few days he realized that he really did NOT want to have children . He had just never thought that it was even an option . The more this was " on the table , " the more certain he became about it . Within a few days he was sure , a few weeks later he was still positive , and he has never wavered since that day 3 years ago , if anything he has only become more certain . [ He had a vasectomy about 6 - 12 months ago . ] It turned out that he did not really have a single reason or desire that he wanted to have children . He is a loving , kind , amazing husband , but that didn 't mean he has one iota of desire to be a parent . The first few weeks after this 1st conversation were very hard for me . I knew almost immediately that I would choose him over a child , but I was plagued with two issues . One , should I convince him to have a child against his will ? Some women ( online columnists , etc ) said that it 's more important to a woman anyway so the man should give it to her , like aJune 13 , 2011 at 12 : 35 AM Part 2 of comment : ( Continued ) I told my husband just a few weeks after our revealing conversation that we could not have children , that I was happy with that decision . He proposed just a few months later : ) Looking back I realize that the pressure to have children after marriage was actually a huge fear of his to propose , though he was also younger than I , so that 's neither here nor there . We married 6 months later . On our honeymoon , I started thinking about what it means to be a wife . I think that 's normal for such a huge transition . I thought about all the women in my family that I was looking up to and I realized that they almost ALL ( save 1 ) had children . I was sitting in Hawaii and started getting flooded with a desire to have a child . I told my husband about it and he asked me to wait until we got home to talk about it ( he knows that I don 't stop at something until I solve it , for better or in this case for worse ! ) . Over the 1st year of our marriage , I tried not to bother him with it but the thoughts of wanting a child didn 't go away . I tried not to bother him with the thoughts as I tend to over - talk things anyway . Finally I talked to him about them about a year later and we were walking by the beach , and he again told me how much he does not want to have children and he would not be happy with them . I realized that by trying to be respectful and not telling him every time I had these thoughts , and keeping them to myself , and I had gradually been getting more and more in denial , thinking that perhaps he would " change his mind , " in ( small ) part encouraged by friends who hoped that this would happen ( not an excuse , b / c let 's face it they just don 't understand ) . The conversation we had that day - after being married just about a year - was a reality check and ironically after a few days of grieving I felt a huge sense of relief and new again that we were not going to have children and was able this time to accept it fully . Fast forward three years from that 1st conversation and we are still really happy togetherJune 13 , 2011 at 12 : 36 AM You . . Are a fantastic person . . I am a Childfree christian and I am also appalled at the doctrines crammed down peoples throats concerning procreation . I refuse to have children because I know that it is neither the time , the place , or the person . Thank you for being a light in the darkness . . For everyone . 1 . You will be happier and less likely to suffer from depression . 2 . ( Assuming you get married ) , you will have a happier marriage . 3 . . . . Ah , the " have it all " lifestyle . How wistfully I read this article . If only I had chosen a different path , I too could spen . . . They call me Daisy Duke because I enjoy zipping into stork parking spots like a bat out of hell ( just try to catch me ! ) I am in my 40s , married to the greatest guy in the world and have multiple beautiful furbabies . They 're sweet , adorable , loving and we don 't have to put them through college . As for this blog , it 's mission is three - fold ; first , to shine a spotlight on the childfree lifestyle and promote it as an attractive and viable lifestyle alternative ; second , to expose the unreasonable pro - parent , pro - child , pro - family bent of our culture ( pronatalism ) which glorifies parenthood and misleads many unsuspecting , unthinking people into a life that may not be best suited to them ; and third , to critically examine parenthood and give it the honest treatment it does not get in our child / family - obsessed culture . I welcome and encourage respectful comments to my posts . If you wish to contact me directly with comments , questions or topic ideas , please e - mail me at firecracker _ mandy ( at ) yahoo ( dot ) com . Friend me on Facebook - I 'm listed as " Firecracker Mandy " .

Counted among the fiercest Andarion warriors ever born , Hauk is one of the five founding members of the Sentella - an organization that has declared war on the League that rules the Ichidian universe with an iron fist and terrifies it with an army of well - trained assassins . Hauk 's enemies are legion , but he fears nothing and no one . He will do whatever it takes to survive and protect his Sentella brethren . Sumi Antaxas is one of the best assassins the League has ever trained . In her world , failure is not an option and she has never met a target she couldn 't execute . So when she 's assigned Hauk , she believes it 'll be a quick and easy mission . In the race to report her information , she is overtaken by enemies out to end her as effectively as she intends to end Hauk . Now her only key to survival is the one man she 's been sent to kill . And Hauk doesn 't trust her at all . With a dark past he never speaks about and tries not to remember , Hauk has little patience for anyone , especially humans . He is honorable and loyal to a fault . Most of all , he 's Andarion , through and through . Quick - tempered and highly intelligent , he can crack any system . But he does have a strange fear of explosives . . . Sumi never speaks about her past . She believes what 's done is done and now it 's killing time . She seldom speaks to anyone . Her dream life is one where she 's the sole survivor on a remote planet everyone thinks is contaminated . If she could , she 'd never interact with people . Her best friends are her blaster and her dagger . Finally ! Hauk 's book is here . You get an in depth look at Andarion culture , and learn a lot about the Hauk family and their past with Nyk and his family , There 's a lot about Thia who is a strong secondary character , and you get an up close with what 's up with the Sentella . Upcoming Events July 19 , 2017 â € œThia ! Thia ! Thia ! Thia ! Thia ! â € The last one was punctuated with a screech so high , he was amazed his ears weren 't bleeding He barely had time to step away from her before Adron and Jayce all but tackled their older sister to the ground . To her credit , Thia stayed upright and hugged them against each side while laughing at their enthusiasm . At six and eight , the blond boys had laughing blue eyes and were almost identical in looks . The only way to really tell them apart was the difference in height . Adron , being older , had a good three inches on his brother . For now . Hauk remembered well when his older brothers and Nykyrian had towered over him , too , and that definitely wasn 't the case now . He was a good three inches taller than Nyk and had Keris lived , he 'd have barely reached Hauk 's shoulders . The boys were talking so fast and furiously that Hauk got a headache trying to figure out what they were saying . With the patience of a saint , Thia nodded and listened attentively . Except for the difference in their ages , no one would ever guess she wasn 't their full - blooded sister . Freakishly tiny , and graceful in everything she did , Nykyrian 's wife Kiara approached them with her gold eyes twinkling . â € œBoys , slow down . Take a breath . Give your sister a minute to catch up . â € Still laughing , Thia rubbed his back . â € œIt 's okay , Kiara . I can strangely follow their gibberish . â € Kneeling down , she took both of Jayce 's arms in her hands and smiled at him â € œAnd yes , I 'll bring you back a rock for your collection . â Nodding , he stepped away then pulled his brother with him . She stood . Kiara held out a black sweater toward Thia . â € œStay warm , sweetie . Don 't get hurt . â € Nykyrian recovered himself and unstrapped his blaster from his hips . He checked the charge level before handing it to Thia . â € œRemember what I taught you . Check your perimeter every night and never sleep with your headphones on . â € Arms akimbo , Kiara approached her husband . â € œSweetie ? Are you out of your mind ? You don 't give a loaded weapon to your little girl right before she leaves . What are you thinking ? â € Nykyrian shrugged . â € œShe 's a Quiakides . She 'll have to make a first kill at some point . Why not keep it in the family ? â € The boys stared bug - eyed while their mother sputtered at the men 's lack of concern . Adron flashed a big grin to Jayce . â € œWhen I 'm big , I 'm going to be an assassin , just like Daddy and Uncle Hauk ! â € Kiara 's face flushed bright red as she pulled them apart . â € œStop it ! Both of you . None of my children are going to be assassins . None of you ! I mean it ! â € â € œMom ! â € they whine Hauk let out a tired , â € œhehâ € as he faced Nykyrian â € œRemember when it was just the five of us and the only kids you had to break apart from fighting were me and Darling Oh for the silent peace of those days . â Nykyrian swept Adron up in his arms to keep him from punching at his brother . A rare tiny grin curved his lips as he held his son against his chest and Adron laid his head on his father 's shoulder . â € œI will gladly take one minute of this chaos over an eternity of peace . â € A tender , heated glance passed between Nykyrian and Kiara . The love they bore each other never failed to amaze Hauk . The gods knew , he didn 't understand it . He 'd never felt that way about anyone . And he still couldn 't believe that Nykyrian did . Battle - hardened and battered by life , Nyk had every reason to kill . No reason whatsoever to understand , never mind show , any kind of love or compassion . For anyone . Adron launched himself from his father into his big sister 's arms with such unexpected force that she stumbled back . â € œLove you , Thia ! Don 't be gone long . â € Closing her eyes , she squeezed him until he protested it . â € œLove you , too , Addy . Be a good boy and I 'll bring you back a souvenir . â € Adron laughed as she set him down on his feet . Thia opened her arms for Jayce to get just as warm a hug from her . She released him before ruffling the hair on both their heads . â € œKeep Tiernan and Taryn out of trouble and don 't let them steal Zarina 's bottle from her while I 'm gone . â € â € œCaptain ? â € Hauk turned at Chayden Aniwaya 's teasing tone as their longtime ally joined them Almost as tall as Nykyrian , Chayden had the lethal swagger that marked most of the Tavali pirates who brazenly preyed on League ships and flaunted the laws of any organized nation or empire But his laughing hazel eyes and mass of short curly dark hair gave him a boyish , carefree appearance It was why he kept his face and hair covered whenever he had to deal with people he needed to intimidate Only those who called him friend got to see this relaxed , playful side of the fierce pirate captain who never took prisoners Or showed mercy to his numerous enemies â € œGuys , â € Chayden said to the boys , â € œshe 's at least a commande . Can 't you tell ? â The boys whooped as they ran to Chayden and jumped into his arms while rattling off their rapid - fire words . The bewildered look on the pirate 's face was hysterical as he met Nykyrian 's gaze . â € œHelp ! I don 't speak small human - Adarion . I need a translator . â € As soon as Chayden saw that dark expression , he stepped back and held his hands up . â € œSacred embryo , Nyk . Got it . Have no fear . â € He lowered his hands to cover his crotch â € œI value my body parts highly and none of them will breech the no - fly zone for the most precious fruit of your loins Not even my eyes I won 't so much as glance in her general direction I 'm just here to fly the shuttle and leave Immediately . â Chayden took another step back . â € œUm , Hauk . I 'm going to need you to lead me in since my eyes will be clenched tight , like my sphincter , until I hit the pilot 's seat . â € As they neared Aksel 's old base , Hauk pulled Sumi to a stop . He had a bad bad feeling in his gut . Something wasn 't right . Sumi buried her hands in his hair and forced him to look at her . " You 're scaring me . What 's going on inside your head ? " " Just the ghosts of the past haunting me . " He glanced back to the base that was a shoddy , broken down husk of what it 'd been the last time he 'd seen it . A lot had changed in eight years . Then , Kiara had been kidnapped by Aksel and brought here to die . Nykyrian had come on a suicide run to save her life . Hauk 's mission had been to secure Kiara at any cost while Nyk played decoy for Aksel and his men . Even now , he could see the anguished look on Nykyrian 's face right before they 'd left to come here . " If I don 't get the chance , tell her I love her , that I 've always loved her , and that I couldn 't have been more thrilled about the baby . " Nykyrian 's heartfelt words still ran a chill up his spine . His best friend had given him one hell of a bad day back then . He still owed Nyk a beating for that . But this was an entirely different time . It was an entirely different enemy breathing down his neck , trying to kill him . One whose face and name he didn 't know . Shrugging the feeling away , he took Sumi 's hand and led her toward the dilapidated building . They 'd only taken three steps when Sumi pulled him to a stop . He glanced at her with a frown . She dropped and tugged at his arm for him to do the same . He obeyed without question . Sumi narrowed her gaze on the shadow that stood in the doorway of the base . Wanting a better vantage point , she crawled along the ground to a small rise . She pulled her rifle from Hauk 's shoulder and used the scope to survey the building . " We have a problem , " she whispered , handing the rifle for Hauk to use . He looked through the scope , then cursed under his breath as he saw what had alarmed her . " Incas ? " She smiled at his offer and patted his arm . " You 're too big to hide , sweetie . You know that . This requires someone who can actually vanish into a shadow . . . not cast a big one . " Hauk hesitated as he stared into those hazel eyes that seared him . Funny , eight years ago , he 'd thought Nykyrian was an idiot for not telling Kiara himself what he wanted her to know . For wasting their time together in silence . Now he understood . It was hard to let someone that deep into your life . To admit out loud to them that they , alone , held a place inside you where only they could destroy you . And Sumi definitely held his heart and soul in her delicate hands . One harsh look or word from her lips could break him even worse than any enemy assault . Before he could speak , she was gone . Hauk couldn 't breathe as he realized he 'd let her go without telling her to be safe . And every minute that ticked by was sheer torture for him as he imagined all manner of atrocities befalling her . If anyone harmed her , he would tear them apart and relish doing it . No one better lay a single finger on her body . They better not even cast an evil glare in her direction . He was just about to go in anyway when he felt a hand on his leg . Rolling , he intended to cut his attacker 's throat . Until he looked into a pair of beautiful hazel eyes . He grabbed her into his arms and held her tight against him . Sumi laid her head down on his chest and smiled as warmth filled her . He might not say she was important to him , but this hug told her just how worried he 'd been . " Still can 't breathe . " " It 's uglier than hell . Definitely your kind of place . Filled with undesirables , who have way too much training and ammunition . . . and not enough soap . " She handed him a small knapsack . His jaw went slack as he opened it to find a bevy of electronics . " How 'd you get this ? " She winked at him . " Assassin , remember ? Took out two of their burliest in the back . Hope they weren 't anyone 's girlfriend . Anyway , that 's what they had on them . I couldn 't even begin to get a body count . There 's at least twenty on the first floor . Sounded like more upstairs . They are trained . They are savage . And they 're loaded for Andarion . " Hauk scowled at her use of a rank no one had called him by in years . It sounded so strange and yet , he adored the teasing light in her eyes . Before he could stop himself , he kissed her lips again , then crawled away from their spot to a safe area where they could plan and tie up Illyse . Sumi followed Dancer back to the cliffs . They found a small cubby to use for cover . She sat quietly as he ran over the layout of the facility . " Yeah . I have scary recall for floor plans . It 's why Darling and I work as a team . He can 't remember shite without a diagram of it . " But what really impressed her was the fact that even though he a ton more experience with strikes and planning such events , he still listened to her suggestions and advice . Nor did he get angry or defensive when she asked questions such as the one about his recall . It said a lot about him that he didn 't let his ego get in the way . He treated her like a partner . And that meant everything to her . No one had ever held her opinions with much regard . Sighing , he turned the tablet around . " There was a munitions dump here when Aksel ran the place . I 'm thinking if it 's still stocked and we raid it , it 'll give us a lot of firepower . " " That 's a big if . " " I know . " He rubbed his thumb thoughtfully against his goatee . " But I like the idea of making a timer to cut the power . What if we go in a standard League two assassin team and take them out systematically ? We can grab weapons as we find them . What do you think ? " Dancer considered it . " Another big if . We won 't know the capacity of the weapons they 're using or their charge levels . Been there , got my ass flambeed . Not looking for a repeat . However . . . I like your idea best , so far . We can combine that with the strikes I make with Darling . You said you saw the raid on the prison ? " She nodded . " But . . . you two were a little on the brazen side when you did that . And we don 't have a Sentella - Tavali army backing us . " " Yeah well , Darling and I aren 't normally that suicidal . He was a little bent by the fact he thought they 'd killed his wife , and he was out for blood vengeance . But that being said , our normal mode of attack is a subtler version . If you 've studied my moves , then you 'll know what I need for flank . " Sumi hesitated . Point was the most dangerous position . It would leave him completely exposed . Dancer met her gaze . " It makes the most sense . I draw . You sweep . " Hauk froze as he heard the most precious words in the universe . While he loved his friends , they 'd never been that reticent to put his ass on the line for a mission . " We do our part . We all go home . " He pulled her against him and held her tight . " I 'm not going anywhere , mia . I have a promise to keep for you . " Her hot tears fell against his skin as she kept her arms wrapped around his neck . " I love you , Dancer , " she whispered . " I really do . And I 've never said that to anyone . Not even Kalea 's father . " For a full minute , he couldn 't speak as his heart shattered and was left jagged and bleeding by those words . There had been a time once when he 'd dreamed of hearing a female say that to him . But that dream had died along with Keris . Sumi pulled back to stare up at him . She couldn 't believe what she 'd heard . Not until she saw the truth in his eyes . No one had ever looked at her like that . Like she was the air he breathed . " I am not going to let Dariana have you , Dancer . If I have to cut her fucking throat to keep you safe , I will . And I will relish her blood flowing over my hands . " A smile spread across his face , exposing his fangs . " Spoken like a true Andarion warrior . " He lifted her hand to his lips and brushed a tender kiss across her palm . " I am , and will always be yours and yours alone , Sumi . " He pressed his cheek to hers before he stepped away . Fear for him ripped her apart as she watched him prepare for their attack . But she knew she 'd have to let that go . In the coming hours , she couldn 't allow any emotion to cloud her judgements or make her hesitate . This was about battle and Dancer needed an assassin at his back . Not an emotional woman distracting him . They removed all color from their bodies except for the black and brown that would help hide them in the shadows . Hauk frowned at her hair as he noted the pale color . That would definitely stand out . " I understand now why you wore the black wig . " He handed her his scarf to wrap around her hair to help conceal it . He 'd already applied more dirt and a reddish clay to her skin for camouflage . Likewise , he wore some over the shiny areas of his face . Across his forehead and along his cheekbones and chin . In true Andarion fashion , he 'd applied it in a geometric pattern that was as beautiful as it was serviceable . And this time , she definitely saw the marks of his family in it . Before he gave approval to her wardrobe , he shrugged his shirt off and put it on her . He grinned at her anger as he pulled a Sentella coat out of his pack . " I won 't be unprotected . " When she arched a curious brow as to why he hadn 't given her the coat , he handed it to her . The instant he let go , the weight of it caused her to stumble forward . " Oh my God ! What 's it made of ? Rock ? " Winking at her , he shrugged it on then secured his braids back from his face . She lightly ran her hand over the black swirling pattern that swung up from his eye and across his cheek . " It 's the wings of a hawk , isn 't it ? " " In part . But also because it was the Oksanans my family held back from enslaving our world . During Endurance , we 're to climb to the tallest point on Oksana to retrieve a single sparn feather or bone to remind ourselves of the sacrifice our family made for our homeworld . To show our young that they can achieve any goal and climb any obstacle . And that no matter how high they ascend , there will always be family with them to catch them should they fall . " But no one had caught him when he fell . He 'd been left alone and then abandoned and ridiculed . And she knew from Thia that Dancer hadn 't made it to the top before Keris had died . Instead , Dancer had learned that his family would turn on him if he wasn 't the son he was supposed to be . Even himself . She kissed his lips . " You are the strongest male I have ever known , Dancer . No one is more worthy of your noble lineage . You honor your family and your ancestors . And you are a treasure for Andaria . I know the first Dancer of the Warring Blood Clan of Hauk smiles whenever he looks down and sees the strength and beauty of his namesake . " Hauk couldn 't breathe as those words echoed in his head . No one had ever made him feel like she did . Like he could do anything . Even fly . " I will not allow you to be harmed . " " Nor I you . " She pulled out her knife and unwound the scarf from her head . He didn 't understand what she was doing until she cut it in half and secured it around his face and head . It was how Andarions battled . They never exposed their faces to their enemies . When she was finished , he returned the favor to her . He tied Illyse to make sure she wasn 't hurt . Then together , side by side , they headed to war . Close " C ' mon , Darling . You can 't do this to me . I 'm desperate for you , man . You 've got to give it to me . Right here . Right now . I need you like I 've never needed you before . " No . . . There was no way the two of them were talking about what it sounded like . Unlike him , they were both straight . He knew that for a fact , and yet , as they continued arguing , it definitely sounded like two lovers squabbling . Being half Andarion , Nykyrian 's hearing was even more astute than Maris 's . Not that anyone needed supersonic hearing to miss this exchange . Their decibel level carried quite plainly through the heavy door of the emperor 's office . " Hell . No . Hauk , " Darling snapped , enunciating each word with rage . " As much as I love and owe you , I 'm not doing that for you . Ever . Forget it . . . . And even if we did , you couldn 't handle it . Besides , you 've never wanted it before . Not like this , and definitely not from me . " " Ah , come on , Darling . " Hauk continued to plead in a tender , needful tone Maris had never heard him use before . " After everything I 've done over the years to protect your sorry ass , I can 't believe you won 't share it with me . Don 't be like this . This isn 't a want . It 's a need . A major one . If you really loved me , you 'd do this for me without question . Now give it to me ! Please ! " " No ! Not if we were the last two beings in the universe . Not even if you were down on your knees in front of me , buck naked and begging me for it . " With his short red hair brushed back from his face and his royal harone hanging to his left shoulder , Darling was dressed in dark blue and maroon emperor robes while Hauk was swathed in a red - tinged black blast - resistant Sentella battlesuit that hugged every inch of his huge , well - muscled body . His black hair fell to his shoulders in small , extremely attractive braids that were common for the warriors on his home planet to designate them as the fiercest of their breed . The stark darkness of his warrior 's uniform made his skin glow a rich tawny - caramel that would make anyone 's mouth water for a taste . Obviously annoyed , Hauk turned toward them and pinned them with his red - and - white Andarion eyes . Even though Nykyrian shared many Andarion traits with Hauk , such as fangs , sensitive hearing , and extreme height , he had green human eyes . Ones that showed no fear as he locked gazes with Hauk . " Thank the gods you 're both still dressed and not entwined naked on the floor . . . . Now tell me , what exactly are we interrupting ? " Hauk scowled at the comment and question as if replaying their exchange in his head while Darling burst into laughter . " Damn , Nyk . . . my wife 's not that pregnant . " Darling 's tone was filled with utter indignation . Maris scoffed . " Oh please , honey . Zarya 's so pregnant , one good sneeze could launch your son into this world in a matter of seconds . " Moving closer to Hauk , Nykyrian looked back and forth between them . " And neither of you has answered my question . What had the two of you shouting lewd come - ons at each other ? " With a nonchalance Maris knew he didn 't feel , Darling crossed his arms over his chest . " It 's something truly horrific , Nyk . We 're talking the stuff of haunting nightmares . . . . " The gape returned to Nykyrian as he faced Hauk . " Seriously ? It 's a child , Hauk , not a rabid animal you 're about to be caged with . " Hauk scoffed at his nonchalance . " I beg to differ , and need I remind you how you felt the first time you learned you had a half - grown daughter and a baby on the way ? As I recall , you weren 't exactly let 's - all - go - to - the - park - and - have - fun , buddy . But six kids later , you 're fine with it all , while I 'm sick to my stomach at the prospect . What do you feed them ? What if he has to go to the bathroom ? Huh ? What do I do then ? " Darling rolled his eyes . " Your nephew 's fourteen , Hauk . I promise you , you won 't have to burp him or change his nappies . " " Go ahead , " Hauk growled . " All of you . Laugh at me . Sure . Why not ? But none of you have ever had to survive alone with a child , in the wilderness , for six minutes , never mind six weeks . Endurance is the hardest thing any Andarion goes through . Both the adult and the child . " Instantly , Nykyrian sobered as if he had sudden clarity over this uncharacteristic outburst . A deep sadness darkened his green eyes before he looked at Darling , then Maris . " Would you two mind giving us the room for a minute ? " " Sure . " Darling stepped out from behind his desk and followed Maris to the door . Hauk visibly cringed at the sound of their exit as he realized what Nykyrian really wanted to talk about . It was something he 'd been trying to bury for weeks now as this date thundered closer . " This isn 't about Darice . . . . I 've known you almost the whole of your life , Dancer , and I 've seen you roll around the floor with my boys , Jayne 's kids , and Devyn enough to know that you 're not really afraid of children . This is about you and Keris , isn 't it ? " Hauk turned away from his best friend , unable to face the truth Nykyrian spoke . Out of his small handful of friends , only Nyk knew about his eldest brother , Keris - because Nyk , alone , had been in Hauk 's life when it 'd happened . And since the day Keris had died during Hauk 's Endurance , Hauk had barely been able to say his brother 's name aloud . " Darice is the spitting image of his father , did you know that ? " Hauk whispered . " I love my nephew with every part of me , but there are times I can 't even bear to look at him . Even their speech inflections are the same . " " I know . " Nykyrian moved to stand by his side so that they could keep their voices low . " I really do know , Hauk . My daughter has some of Aksel 's and Arast 's mannerisms and expressions . And when she cops their condescending tones and snotty attitudes , it takes every bit of will I possess not to put her through a wall . It 's not her fault she takes after them . They were in her life longer than I 've been . Hell , she doesn 't even know she does it . But even so , it feels like they 're back from the grave to torment me . " Flexing his jaw , Hauk winced at the pain in Nykyrian 's voice . A pain he understood better than anyone since he 'd been there to see firsthand what Nyk 's adoptive brothers had done to him . It was a hell no child should ever endure . His anger mounting , he met Nykyrian 's gaze . For once , he didn 't see the war - hardened face of an assassin wingman who 'd stood by his side for countless battles and protected his ass like a true blood brother . He saw the horrifically scarred face of the boy Nyk had been when they 'd first met as children . Literally . There was a lot to be said for a friendship that spanned double - digit years . But right now , it seriously rankled him that Nyk knew what was really bothering him . Not to mention , the first two years of their living together , Nykyrian had been going through extensive operations and physical therapy for the almost fatal injuries Aksel had given him the day Nyk had finally put the bastard in his grave . Even now , eight years later , Nykyrian still walked with a pronounced limp , and only had limited use of his right hand and arm . Hauk ground his teeth as other painful childhood memories surged . " It 's a stupid tradition . It chafes my ass that I have to do this . " Hauk let out an elongated growl . Even if his father hadn 't lost his legs in battle or been too disabled to be exposed to the harsh conditions of Endurance , his father was too old to do it now . And his brother Fain had been disinherited even before Hauk had gone through his . There was no other male in their family lineage who could take Darice . Like it or not , Hauk was honor bound and family obligated to see this through . Nykyrian stepped away from him . " Have you mentioned to your father the staggering bounties on your head ? Or that you have enough assassins after you that you could start your own army ? " Hauk made a rude noise at the mere suggestion . " My father 's an Andarion war hero . Do you really think that would deter him ? " He 'd think Hauk weak and cowardly for even mentioning it . Nykyrian clapped a hand on Hauk 's shoulder . " Again , brother , I do know . You never bitch about it , but I can read your expressions better than your words . " He went to pour them both a shot of Tondarion Fire - a potent alcohol - from the small table beside Darling 's desk . " You know , you could take Thia with you as a distraction . It might help you get through this . " Hauk knocked back the drink in one gulp and pinned his gaze on Nyk . " And I can read you as well as you read me . Why do you want her gone so badly ? " " I don 't . But . . . " Nyk let his words trail off as he gulped his own drink then poured another . " She 's been acting out since Zarina was born . It 's almost like she thinks that now that we have another daughter , she 's not wanted anymore . Truthfully , I don 't know what to do . She stays out all night . Drags home the kind of dregs we 're paid to kill , and then dares me to lay a hand on them . " He growled low in his throat . " I 'm a trained assassin , Hauk , and they 're dating my precious little girl . Putting body parts on her . . . and that 's just their hands , that I know of . Any idea how hard it is for me to let them leave my house upright and in one piece ? She won 't even let me give them a damn bloody nose . Gah , it 's more than I can bear . " Nykyrian glared at him . " I curse you , Hauk . . . may you live to raise a beautiful daughter . And I hope you have more than one , you son of a bitch . " He slung his shot back even faster than Hauk had . " Thia 's been way too serious with this latest veriton . I 'm thinking if she 's gone for six weeks , he 'll get bored and move on to someone safer . " Hauk laughed then sobered as he seriously considered the offer . In all honesty , Thia would be a welcome distraction . While she didn 't care for roughing it , she could cook better than either of them . And the additional body might keep the memories of Keris at bay . It wouldn 't be the same as it 'd been when he and his brother had gone alone to Oksana for Endurance . He inclined his head to Nykyrian . " I 'll be more than happy to spend a few weeks with my first love . Besides , as an Andarion princess , she needs to have this on her résumé . " " Exactly . " Nykyrian headed to the door to readmit Darling to his office . Before he could open it , Hauk pulled him to a stop . " Thank you . " Taking his proffered hand , Hauk pulled him into a rare familial hug and repeated the Andarion words of loyalty that literally translated to anytime , my brother . But the Andarion connotation was much deeper than that . It was an oath of absolute kinship . One that bound them closer than blood . No Andarion said those words lightly . It meant that they would die back - to - back , fighting any and all attackers . " Nyk , " Hauk breathed . " If you really loved me , drey , you 'd take that blaster at your hip and shoot me right between the eyes . Right here . Right now . This instant . " Nykyrian came as close to laughter as the somber warrior could . As if on cue , Darice stormed off the shuttle and slung his pack to the ground in front of Hauk 's feet . At fourteen , he was as tall as most full - grown human males , but he only reached the middle of Hauk 's and Nykyrian 's chests . Even so , he was still just a boy with the very lean build and temperament that marked the young . " Oh my God , did he just fang you ? " Thia gasped as she joined them in the landing bay . With an exaggerated gape , she blinked at her father . " Dad , he just fanged Uncle Hauk and Uncle Hauk didn 't kill him . Is the world coming to an end and I missed the e - mail ? " Darice jerked away from him . " You 're not my father . And that - " He gestured angrily toward the shuttle . " Is not my family . I will not dishonor our blood or ancestors , or dishonor my blood father 's memory by being in a shuttle or on a planet with him ! You know our laws ! How dare you bring him here ! " Hauk glanced past his nephew to see the look on Fain 's face as he heard those cruel words . The pain his brother felt nauseated him and increased his need to tan the backside of Darice 's buttocks until the boy limped . His features guarded , Fain stepped down from the shuttle 's ramp . " I 've got Chayden coming in to do the drop . He 'll be here in five minutes . " " Careful who you insult , boy . " Hauk jerked his chin toward Nykyrian , who was the crowned prince and heir for their native Andaria . He was also half human . To impugn the honor or prestige of the Andarion royal house was to defame your own Andarion family and ancestors . It was also viewed as a blatant act of treason . That alone made Darice calm himself . Satisfied the boy was subdued , Hauk released his arm . " And while you might not claim kinship with Fain , I do . " Ignoring him , Hauk went over to his older brother , who was one of the very few beings taller than him . And not by much . " I 'm sorry . I should have known how he 'd react . I was only thinking of tradition . Not selfish pubescent stupidity . " Fain clapped him on the arm . " It 's all right , drey . I knew what I was giving up the day I walked out your mother 's door . I have no regrets . " That wasn 't true and they both knew it . The deep sadness that never left Fain 's eyes called him a liar for the choice he 'd made all those years ago . But it wasn 't Andarion to admit you acted rashly , or that you made a mistake . Especially not when you chose one family member over another . Too bad most humans lacked the loyalty and honor of the Andarions . But then , they were a different species . And not just in coloring and dental needs . Fain dutifully inclined his head to his beloved younger brother as hurt and anger tangled inside him . Though his brother was one of the fiercest warriors he 'd ever fought alongside , he still saw Dancer as the boy he 'd been . The one who used to run after him with worshipful stars in his eyes , begging for any attention from him . A brother who 'd recklessly and courageously defied their parents to maintain a relationship with him that could cost Dancer dearly . For any Andarion male to do such was an incredible testament of loyalty and love . For Dancer , that risk was so much higher . He already had a mark against him . One more , and he would be relegated to an Andarion class even worse than the one Fain was in . Fain knew of no other who would risk that . Not even for a full - blooded brother . But then Dancer was the bravest male he 'd ever known . He lived his life with reckless disregard for the fact that he was mortal . And there was absolutely nothing he wouldn 't do or risk for those he loved . Hauk watched Fain leave with a heavy heart . At his departure , Darice started to shout something to him , but the sight of a guard carrying Thia 's pink floral rucksack for her distracted him . His jaw gaped even wider than Thia 's had a moment ago . " Seriously ? " he said to Hauk . He gestured after the guard who was headed for the shuttle to deposit his cargo . " She can 't even carry her own pack ? " Hauk heard Fain 's insidious laughter as his brother vanished . " Just like his arrogant father . . . Not enough Tondarion Fire in existence to make me take that brat across the street , never mind do an Endurance with him . Good luck not choking the little bastard , Dancer . " Hauk actually whimpered as he heard his brother 's mumbled words . Thanks a lot , Fain . If his brother really loved him , he 'd do this for him . " What is that ? " Darice gestured toward the men . " Her wardrobe ? " He put his fists up to his temples and growled fiercely . " This is a disaster . I want to go home . Now , Dancer ! I don 't want to be here . With her or with you ! " Screwing his face up , Darice appeared to have the same degree of intestinal woe that currently plagued Hauk . " You 're not my father , " he mumbled between clenched teeth as he snatched his pack up from the ground . " You 'll never be my father . " No , it wouldn 't . His family , and in particular Darice and Dariana , would never forgive him for what had happened to Keris . But it wasn 't Thia 's fault they were assholes . Smiling , he cupped Thia 's gentle face and started to thank her , but before he could say a word , two excited voices rang out . " Thia ! Thia ! Thia ! Thia ! Thia ! " The last one was punctuated with a screech so high , he was amazed his ears weren 't bleeding . He barely had time to step away from her before Adron and Jayce all but tackled their older sister to the ground . To her credit , Thia stayed upright and hugged them against each side while laughing at their enthusiasm . At six and eight , the blond boys had blue eyes and were almost identical in looks . The only way to really tell them apart was the difference in height . Adron , being older , had a good three inches on his brother . For now . Hauk remembered well when his older brothers and Nykyrian had towered over him , too , and that definitely wasn 't the case these days . He was a good three inches taller than Nyk , and had Keris lived , he 'd have barely reached Hauk 's shoulders . The boys were talking so fast and furiously that Hauk got a headache trying to figure out what they were saying . With the patience of a saint , Thia nodded and listened attentively . Except for the difference in their ages , no one would ever guess she wasn 't their full - blooded sister . Freakishly tiny , and graceful in everything she did , Nykyrian 's wife Kiara approached them with her golden - amber eyes twinkling . " Boys , slow down . Take a breath . Give your sister a minute to catch up . " Still laughing , Thia patted his back . " It 's okay , Kiara . I can strangely follow their gibberish . " Kneeling down , she took both of Jayce 's arms in her hands and smiled at him . " And yes , I 'll bring you back a rock for your collection . Two , even . " Nodding , he stepped away then pulled his brother with him . She stood . Kiara held out a black sweater toward Thia . " Stay warm , sweetie . Don 't get hurt . " " I will and I won 't . " Thia took her sweater and gave Kiara a light hug . She looked expectantly at her father , who had the same what - did - I - do - now look Hauk was sure he 'd worn when his parents told him he had to do this with Darice . Nykyrian recovered himself and unstrapped his blaster from his hips . He checked the charge level before handing it to Thia . " Remember what I taught you . Check your perimeter every night and never sleep with your headphones on . " Arms akimbo , Kiara approached her husband . " Sweetie ? Are you out of your mind ? You don 't give a loaded weapon to your little girl right before she leaves . What are you thinking ? " Nykyrian shrugged . " She 's a Quiakides . She 'll have to make a first kill at some point . Why not keep it in the family ? Hell , it might even make Hauk 's day if she shoots Darice . " Sighing in surrender , Kiara shook her head . " You 're awful . " She turned her pleading eyes toward Hauk . " Would you help me out here ? " The boys stared bug - eyed while their mother sputtered at the men 's lack of concern . Adron flashed a big grin to Jayce . " When I 'm big , I 'm going to be an assassin , just like Daddy and Uncle Hauk ! " Kiara 's face flushed bright red as she pulled them apart . " Stop it ! Both of you . None of my children are going to be assassins . None of you ! I mean it ! " " Mom ! " they whined . Hauk let out a tired " heh " as he faced Nykyrian . " Remember when it was just the five of us and the only kids you had to break apart from fighting were me and Darling ? Oh , for the blessed peace of those days . " Nykyrian swept Adron up in his arms to keep him from punching at his brother . A rare devilish grin curved his lips as he held his son against his chest , and Adron laid his head on his father 's shoulder . " I will gladly take one minute of this chaos over an eternity of that peace . " A tender , heated glance passed between Nykyrian and Kiara . The love they bore for each other never failed to amaze Hauk . The gods knew , he didn 't understand it . He 'd never felt that way about anyone . And he still couldn 't believe Nykyrian did . Battle - hardened and battered by life , Nyk had every reason to kill . No reason whatsoever to understand , never mind show , any kind of love or compassion . For anyone . Adron launched himself from his father into his big sister 's arms with such unexpected force that she stumbled back . " Love you , Thia ! Don 't be gone long . " Closing her eyes , she squeezed him until he protested it . " Love you , too , Addy . Be a good boy and I 'll bring you back a souvenir . " Adron laughed as she set him down on his feet . Thia opened her arms for Jayce to get just as warm a hug from her . She released him before ruffling the hair on both their heads . " Keep Tiernan and Taryn out of trouble , and don 't let them steal Zarina 's bottle from her while I 'm gone . " " Captain ? " Hauk turned at Chayden Aniwaya 's teasing tone as their longtime ally joined them . Almost as tall as Nykyrian , Chayden had the lethal swagger that marked most of the Tavali pirates who brazenly preyed on League ships and flouted the laws of any organized nation or empire . But his laughing hazel eyes and mass of short curly dark hair stole the bad ass from his gait and demeanor , and gave him a boyish , carefree appearance . It was why he kept his face and hair covered whenever he had to deal with people he needed to intimidate . Only those who called him friend got to see this relaxed , playful side of the fierce pirate captain who never took prisoners . Or showed mercy to his numerous enemies . " Guys , " Chayden said to the boys , " she 's at least a commander . Can 't you tell ? " The boys whooped as they ran to Chayden and jumped into his arms while rattling off their rapid - fire words . The bewildered look on the pirate 's face was hysterical as he met Nykyrian 's gaze . " Help ! I don 't speak small - human Andarion . I need a translator . " As soon as Chayden saw that dark expression , he stepped back and held his hands up . " Sacred embryo , Nyk . Got it . Have no fear . " He lowered his hands to cover his crotch . " I value my body parts highly and none of them will breech the no - fly zone for the most precious fruit of your loins . Not even my eyes . I won 't so much as glance in her general direction . I 'm just here to fly the shuttle and leave . Immediately . " Chayden took another step back . " Um , Hauk . I 'm going to need you to lead me in since my eyes will be clenched tight , like my sphincter , until I hit the pilot 's seat . " " ' Cause it does , " Chayden fearlessly finished for Nykyrian . " Again , copy that , Commander . Now , let me concentrate so I don 't miscalculate and wind up in the wrong galaxy or splattered against an asteroid . " He flashed a devilish grin . Hauk wedged himself between them and gently nudged Nykyrian back . " We 're all good here . You might want to go help the mothership with your unruly spawn . " Nykyrian hesitated before he inclined his head to them . Turning around , he went back to where Thia and Darice were now both absorbed by their electronics . He paused to stare at his daughter , but Hauk knew what he was really doing . He was mentally assuring himself that she had everything she needed , and that she was properly fastened in . Something Nykyrian verified for himself an instant later by tugging at her harness and double - checking the buckles before he left them . Amused as hell , Hauk retracted the loading ramp behind him and closed the door . Hauk tsked at her as he double - checked the seal on the door . " Ah , Thee , this isn 't about your competence . It 's about his fear over his own . " Hauk glanced to Darice , who had them all completely tuned out . " It 's something you won 't understand until you have kids yourself . But don 't take it to heart , kisa . All of us still want to cut up your uncle Darling 's food before he eats it , and he runs his own empire . " She fidgeted with the small MVM in her lap as she looked past Hauk , toward the flight deck . " You think I could sit up front for the launch ? I 'd like to learn to fly . " Rolling her eyes in a way that would make Darice proud , she put the headphones back in her ears and turned the music up so loud that even a human would be able to hear it clearly across the room . Satisfied the two of them were safe and occupied , Hauk returned to the flight deck , where Chayden was firing the engines . " Are they secured ? " " Of course he did . " Chayden passed a wicked grin to Hauk . " I 'd be just as bad , if not worse if I had a daughter that age . That pretty . She 's what ? Twenty - two now ? " Chayden laughed . " No . She 's too connected for me . But don 't worry . Meant what I said about my fondness for my protruding body parts . I can keep my hands to myself . I never violate my oaths or my codes . . . . Only international laws . " He pulled the mic closer to his lips and turned on the intercom . " All right , kids , hang tight . Last time I tried this , it didn 't work out so well . But that 's okay . I can learn from my near - fatal mistakes , and I have the fire extinguishers ready this time . There was only minimal superficial scarring , and my innards healed up quite nicely , after a while . Oh hey . . . I wonder what this button over here does . Never seen one like that before . Maybe I should have checked the shuttle 's model number . Hope I 'm licensed for it . " " That 's why all of you love me . . . I always fuck things up and make it interesting . " " Isn 't that an old Gondarion curse ? " Laughing , Chayden hit the boosters and lifted the craft with such skill that Hauk barely felt it move . As soon as they cleared the port , Hauk saw a small ship on their starboard aft monitor . " We have company . " Chayden shrugged . " Hell if I know . He 's your mother . Maybe he didn 't want to upset Darice any worse . Or , knowing my second - favorite Tavali , he wanted to piss him off more . " " So what 's the deal , anyway ? What heinous crime did Fain commit to be blacklisted by the entire War Hauk clan ? I mean , damn , you 're an outlaw to most governments , you 've kicked in the front door of a League prison , been tossed out of League military service , and started a rebel organization , yet your family still claims you . What could be worse than all that ? " Hauk stared into the darkness of space as he considered everything Chayden was asking and how best to answer it . " Acts of political defiance are forgivable , according to Andarion tradition . But Fain . . . he foolishly besmirched our family 's honor and tainted our lineage . " He passed a dark glower to the Tavali for his hypocritical contempt and outrage over their customs . " Your mother ? Your father ? They were both humans , and how were you and your sister treated because Mom was Qillaq and Dad Gondarion ? " While Andarions and humans were close enough genetically to procreate , they were two vastly different species . Two species that voraciously hated each other and had spent centuries at war . Human - on - human prejudice had never made sense to Hauk . Yes , it was . Chayden 's treatment over the fact that his parents were from two different human cultures had been so foul that Chayden had run away from his homeworld at fourteen , and had grown up on the back streets of other planets , alone . It said a lot that the hell he 'd known on his own was better than the one he 'd left behind . Chayden leaned back in his chair to check their headings . " So where 's Mrs . Fain now ? I 've never seen or heard of him being with any female . Or male either , for that matter . " Hauk winced at the tragedy that had been his big brother 's life . " Sadly , he 's never been with anyone except Omira . She was everything to him . And when she left him , he never got over it . I don 't think he 's gone near a female since . " Hauk sighed as he remembered the harsh betrayal Fain had never recovered from . " Bitch didn 't care that he 'd given up everything for her . His education , his military career , his future . . . his entire blood family . Less than two years into their marriage , she packed her things and went back to her human family . " " Yeah . " He 'd been way too young to have his heart carved out and handed to him . " Fain was completely wrecked by it . He tried to come home , but my parents wouldn 't have anything to do with him . My mother told him that he 'd died to them the day he chose to walk out the door to be with a human harita . That the last thing she wanted was the stench of a human - lover in her house . " Hauk glanced to the monitor , where Fain followed at a discreet distance . Just like he always had . He was the only blood family Hauk had who had proven to him , time and again , that he would always stand at his back and not judge him . That was too rare a gift to take for granted . " Like my brother , I don 't give up on my family . For any reason . " Chayden brushed his hand against the small religious medallion his sister had given him . " I know the feeling . " He glanced over to Hauk . " And that includes my all brothers who get on my nerves . " Snorting , Hauk playfully turned Chayden 's head back toward the instrument panel . " Don 't be cutting them eyes at me , human . " But in his heart , he knew what Chayden did . They were family . And every bit as screwed up and dysfunctional as one related by blood . Still , he hated what Fain had been through because his brother had given his heart to an unworthy bitch . Omira Antaxas had been the sorriest excuse for a supposed sentient being as Hauk had ever met . Devoted love like Fain held for her was so incredibly rare . Even for Andarions . How could anyone walk away from that ? For any reason . He glanced back to Thia and Darice . Thia had been the by - product of her mother 's curiosity about what it would be like to sleep with an Andarion . Because Driana had been young , and she and Nykyrian were different species , it 'd never dawned on her that she could actually conceive a child by him . But Darice . . . His parents had loved each other in that mythical way that Fain had deluded himself into believing he 'd shared with Omira . To this day , Darice 's mother elevated Keris to a godlike status that no mere mortal could touch . No one was allowed to besmirch his memory in any way , and she would die before she allowed another male to claim her . At the time Hauk had gone on his Endurance , he 'd envied the hell out of both of his brothers for the women they had in their lives . Back then , he 'd naively assumed he would have it , too , one day . Decades later , he knew what an idiot he 'd been for that assumption . Both relationships had ended tragically . And once this was done , his parents expected him to go home and marry Keris 's widow , who hated him for the part he 'd played in his brother 's death . It was something they should have done years ago , but Dariana had violently refused him at every turn . She couldn 't even look at him without baring her fangs , and she hadn 't called him by name since the day his brother had died . Yet she was Andarion and their custom was for an unpledged male relative to marry the widow to keep her safe and provide for her . Duty . Honor . Obligation . Loyalty . That was the lifeblood of all Andarions . It flowed thick in their veins and ruled their entire existence . Like it or not , hatred or not , Dariana would marry him and keep her family 's honor , and protect her son 's prestigious lineage . Maybe I 'll get lucky and Darice will throw me down a mountainside , too . And this time it would succeed in killing him . One could only hope . Darice curled his lip at Thia before he went out of his way to kick her crate . " I 'm not carrying this off the ship . You can carry your own clothes , human . " Thia passed an amused smirk to Hauk and Chayden . " Not my clothes . " With a grand harumph , she threw the switch on the crate and opened it . A giant black cat leapt out , ready to attack as it skimmed them for a target . Darice squealed and jumped up on the seat behind Hauk . Hauk glanced at Darice over his shoulder . " I noticed that . " Clicking his tongue , he called the vicious predator over to him . " Hey , Illyse . " He patted the huge cat on her head and allowed her to lick his chin , then stepped aside and pointed to Darice . " Eat my nephew ! " Darice glared at him as the cat moved to lick Hauk 's fingers and nuzzle his hand , instead of attacking on command . " You 're not funny . Why is that thing here , anyway ? " Thia sighed heavily . " Because my father 's overprotective , and lacks any semblance of a sense of humor . It was either bring his cat or half his army . I personally told him I wanted the army , so long as they were young , cute , male , and virile . . . which is why the cat was sent . " " Don 't tempt me . " Hauk went to grab his survival pack and gear . When he picked up Thia 's too , Darice hissed . He glared at his nephew . When Hauk started for the large haul bag , Thia rushed in to grab her rucksack from his shoulders . " I 'm not really helpless , Uncle Hauk . I 'm only going along with this to watch the smoke come out of Darice 's ears . " She slung the large bag over her shoulders and buckled it , then called for Illyse to follow her off the shuttle . He inclined his head to Hauk . " If you have to eat one of the young to survive , or to salvage your sanity , I would suggest Darice . He 'll give you more indigestion going down , but the ensuing torture that comes afterward will be a lot less painful , I think . " " Again , don 't tempt me . " Hauk took a deep breath for mental strength . " You know , I would rather walk naked , with my hands cuffed behind my back , into League headquarters and tell Kyr that I was one of the raiders on his prison , than do this . " Hauk shook Chayden 's arm before he disembarked on his voyage to hell . And as bad as it was , the moment he stepped onto the stark , barren landscape , it worsened as old memories assailed him . In the back of his mind , he could see himself as a boy , filled with excitement , jumping onto the surface near this very spot . Then , it 'd been his father 's best friend who had dropped them off . Hauk had run ahead to start exploring while the sound of Keris 's laughter had filled his ears . " I 'll show you who 's old . . . . " Dropping his pack , Keris had effortlessly closed the distance and tackled him to the ground . They 'd wrestled for dominance , until his much older and better - trained brother had pinned him then tickled him until he 'd pissed his pants . Angry , Keris had beaten him for peeing on him , and left Hauk sore for days afterward . A sad smile curved his lips as bitter tears choked him . He 'd give anything if he could go back and forego his test . Go back and exchange his life for Keris 's . He should have died that day . Not his war - hero brother who could do no wrong where their parents and Dariana were concerned . Honestly , he shouldn 't have , and he still couldn 't remember anything about those three weeks after he 'd been injured , other than the intensity of that feral instinct not to die . Broken and bleeding , he 'd somehow crawled his way to their rendezvous point . In the back of his mind and in every nightmare since , Hauk saw Keris 's wry grin as his brother had relegated himself to death . " Take care of Dari for me . Tell her I 'll always love her . " There had been nothing he could do to stop it . No way to save Keris . His brother had given him his life at the expense of his own . Now the best he could do was safeguard his brother 's child . No matter what , even with Darice 's attitude and mouth , he 'd keep him safe . And the same for Thia . But for Nykyrian , he 'd have died a dozen times over . Nyk had believed in him when no one else had . And he had seen Hauk through the grief of losing both Fain and Keris from his life . As soon as Chayden was gone and the sounds of the engines had faded , he heard Thia and Darice fighting again . Looking up at the sky , Hauk shook his head and let out an aggravated sigh . He 'd keep them safe from others , all right , but before this was over , he might end up killing one of them himself . Chapter 4 Hauk checked his calendar and cursed before he tossed it aside . Cruel effing bastard thing . It 'd only been a week since Chayden had abandoned him here . He winced at Darice 's high - pitched shout . Gods , give me strength not to kill one of them . . . . He 'd sent them out after breakfast to wash and dress for the day , and look for something they could use for lunch before he strung them up by their intestines . " Dancer ! " He ducked out of his tent to find them running toward camp like they were being chased by something other than Illyse , who was hard on their heels . His heartbeat quickened . Hand on his blaster , he ran at them as fast as he could to cover their flight . Thia was the first to reach him . She grabbed his arm to tug him in the direction they 'd just run from , while Illyse circled all three of them protectively . " Come quick ! We found someone . " Still , he hesitated . This northernmost part of Oksana hadn 't been legitimately inhabited in well over three hundred years . Not since The League had punished the citizens of this world for a revolt , and had bombed their entire civilization back to a stone age . What little part of it that held a human population was under a dome on the other side of the planet . Three continents and two huge oceans away . No one should be here . " Is she in uniform ? " He ignored Darice 's commentary . " Is she human or Andarion ? " Each species had colonies set up here on separate continents in the south . They both shrugged . Thia tugged at his arm . " She has black hair and is really tall , so she could be either . But does it matter ? She 's hurt and needs help . " " No buts , " Hauk said sharply , cutting off Thia 's protest . " Get the blaster your father gave you , and wait for me in my tent . If I don 't come back , you two are to return to our meeting spot , and wait until your comm comes back on , and you can signal Chayden for retrieval , understood ? " Taking inventory of his weapons and their charge levels , Hauk waited until they were halfway to his tent . If this was a trap , he didn 't want the kids anywhere near it . He prepared for the worst , and strapped his short Andarion battle sword across his back . While it wasn 't his primary weapon , which was why it was worn over the back and not at the waist with his blasters , it was the one that wouldn 't run out of ammunition . Extremely wary , he made his way toward the rise Thia had mentioned . A rise that would make a great spot for a sniper to set up surveillance . . . . His senses on high alert , he saw the body as soon as he came up the slight hill . She lay on her side , facing the opposite direction . He skimmed the horizon in all directions , but detected no obvious threats . Even her rifle was several feet away , out of her reach . Not that it mattered . He knew the tricks his kind implemented . He hadn 't lived this long by being a total idiot . Crouched and ready , he secured her weapon first . A standard laser rifle , it had no markings of any kind . Military or civ . Nothing he could use to ID her with . However , these were the weapon of choice for many assassins , since they had very little sound when they were fired . It appeared she 'd squeezed off two shots at whatever had attacked her . Other than that , it didn 't tell him much . Still unsure if it was a trick or not , he made his way over to her . Looking around again for any friends she might have , he carefully rolled her to her back . There was a gash above her right brow and another along her ribs . Something had tried to rip out her throat , but she must have fought it off . Thia had been right , the woman was dressed as a civ , in dark brown desert clothes and a dirty poncho . She might be a native or raider . She might yet be an assassin after him . Given the rifle and the specialized scope on it , that was definitely not off the table . He hesitated as he took in her exotic features . Not classically beautiful by any means - he knew that face well . For one full minute , he couldn 't breathe as old memories surged . Except for the black hair and height , she was a dead ringer for Fain 's ex - wife . But that wasn 't possible . Omira would be at least a decade older than this woman . And as Thia had noted , with the short black hair , light caramel skin , and height , she might not be human at all . Andarion was still a possibility . Even so , the similarity in looks was striking and unnerving . As gently as he could , he parted her lips to check her species . Her teeth were small and well shaped . Clean and white . Given that , and the rest of her appearance , it was doubtful she lived in this hellhole full time . Way too much attention to personal hygiene for a desert raider who scavenged for sustenance . Though why she 'd be out here alone , unless she was hunting him , he couldn 't fathom . " Okay , you 're human . " And she was definitely not faking her injuries , otherwise she 'd bite him for his rude intrusion of personal space . He holstered his blaster and slung her rifle over his back . Gathering her into his arms , he rose with her . As he did so , her hair caught against the thorny bush under her and the black wig was pulled free to expose a flesh - colored skullcap . Curious , he removed it to find a wealth of long blond hair that was almost as pale as Nykyrian 's . Hauk cradled her against his chest , amazed at how little she weighed . Especially given her height . She was a lot taller than the average human woman . Andarion females were normally well muscled and stout . They had a nice heft when you picked them up , and like the other males of his species , Hauk preferred a female he didn 't fear crushing . One who would be physically able to enjoy and return the fierce passions of an Andarion male . Underneath her poncho and loose pants , she must be as scrawny as Kiara or Thia . The scent of blood , combined with that of their anger , had the lorina growling and unsettled . Hauk held Illyse off the woman by her red collar . " Take her outside and tie her up . " Hauk pulled the medical pack to him so that he could go through it , and see if they had something that could help their unknown " guest . " How he wished Syn was here . His friend and ally was a doctor well versed in human medicine . Him , not so much . What little he knew about human anatomy was how to apply tourniquets to those injured in battle until a medic could relieve him . " She 's human ? " Darice curled his lip at the sight of her blond hair . " Don 't start , D . Like Thia said , she needs our help . " Dread consumed Hauk over that look . " What ? " " We didn 't catch anything , after we dressed . In case the woman wasn 't alone , Thia wouldn 't let me keep hunting while she came back here for you . " He cupped the back of his nephew 's head and forced him to meet his gaze so that he could see how serious he was . " They could make you wish you were dead . Never underestimate an enemy . No matter who or what they are . That is a special kind of stupid arrogance no one can afford . " Clenching his teeth , he pulled at the neck of her poncho until he had her left shoulder blade exposed . Sure enough , there was her League dagger tattoo . He cursed again . Fury darkened his mood . She must have been caught unawares by a wild animal while sighting him . But for a freak accident , she 'd have killed him , and left Thia and Darice alone to fend for themselves in the harsh wilderness . What kind of woman could do such a thing ? " An assassin , dumbass . " " Just kill her and get it over with . " It was so tempting . But he 'd never murdered anyone . Killing a fully armed soldier who was fighting him was one thing . Cutting the throat of an injured , unconscious woman , even an assassin , was another . That , he couldn 't quite manage . His mother would be so disappointed in him for that mercy , especially given that the spared female was human . Nothing new about that . He 'd been disappointing her since he popped out of her womb as an underweight preemie and almost killed her . If he wasn 't the last of his prestigious military line , his parents would have disinherited him when he 'd been dishonorably discharged from The League during training . Hauk winced as he remembered his father 's sneer the day he 'd found out . He 'd slammed his fist straight into Hauk 's chest and spat in his face . " You disgust me , and you dishonor your noble ancestors . It should have been you who died on Oksana . Not my one , true son you killed with your incompetence . How dare you humiliate our bloodlines so ! " Even now those words cut him soul deep . Neither of his parents , Darice , nor Dariana ever let him forget the fact that he , the lesser son , had survived by a miracle of twisted fate , and not by any skill he possessed . They used every opportunity to throw it in his face . Shaking his head to silence their condemnation and the memories that tore him apart , Hauk forced his thoughts away from the past . No need to dwell there . He couldn 't change it . And right now , he had something a lot more important to focus on . This was a trained assassin who had been sent to kill him . One who 'd almost succeeded , and she wouldn 't stop coming for him so long as he breathed . While assassins usually worked alone , they didn 't always . If there were more League assassins behind her , he needed to know . They still had four more weeks before they were in satellite range again and he could call for a pickup . The whole point of Endurance was to survive as if they 'd crashed on the planet and had nothing save one survival pack of minimal supplies to sustain them . There was no one to call for help . No backup . Completely alone , they were supposed to climb to the top of Mount Grenalyn , pluck a feather or bone from the nest of a sparn , and return to their drop site . It was a bonding experience that was usually shared between parent and child . A once - in - a - lifetime adventure designed to teach the teen confidence , self - reliance , and everything he or she needed to know in the event they should ever be on their own in a hostile environment . And it didn 't get any more hostile than to have an assassin on your ass . How had she found him ? No one knew where they were . That , too , was part of the training . The only one who was supposed to have their coordinates was the pilot who dropped them off - the primary reason why it was always a trusted family member . Hauk narrowed his gaze on the woman . " You better live . " He had to have answers from her . And if she was here to kill him , she had a ship nearby . One he might be able to use to get the kids to safety before anyone else came after him . That was true . Because of his massive size , especially compared to Thia , he 'd always gone out of his way to smile and be gentle and soft - spoken around her . When she 'd first moved in with her father , she 'd been absolutely traumatized by her violent stepfather , and the lunatic animals who 'd worked for him . Animals Aksel had had around Thia since the moment of her birth . Not to mention the fact that the sadistic bastard had beaten Thia to the brink of death , and then brutally murdered her mother in a fit of rage . Back then , understandably , the girl had been terrified of her own shadow . The first time she 'd officially met Hauk , Thia had burst into tears and run off to a closet to hide . It 'd been a good three months before she 'd finally stopped trembling in his presence . Almost a year before he could hug her . And he 'd sworn to her that he would die for her protection . She laughed . " I 've never seen anyone more inept at food preparation . It 's really quite impressive . . . in a very sad sort of way . " " Yes , it is . " He watched as she left him alone with his hostage . And while he would never say or do anything to hurt or scare Thia , this assassin didn 't fall under his protection . Wounded or not , she would answer his questions or feel the full wrath of the warrior who wouldn 't hesitate to make her bleed until she spilled her guts to him , or he spilled them at her feet . This site is wholly owned and operated by Mighty Barnacle , LLC . 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Poems , Personals , and Commentary Archive for the ' Personal story ' Category The Curious Case of Grandma 's Ashes When my grandmother died in 1986 , she was cremated and the ashes brought to my parents home . For some unknown reason , my parents did not have her ashes buried , and they sat in a box , sometimes not even in the house but in their garage , for nearly 26 years . This is how she was finally laid to rest : In 2008 , my sister Mary 's younger son , Brian , through his college , had a semester abroad in Hungary , specifically the city of Budapest . Hungary happens to be our place of ancestry , as our parents , and my grandmother , were born there . My parents came to the U . S . , along with my older brother , in about 1949 and Grandma Anna came in about 1951 . So Mary and her husband decided to visit Brian that April , and to combine that trip with a visit to our relatives there . On their return , my husband Tom and I were infected with Mary 's excitement about her visit to Hungary . We decided that we would also go , along with our children . It sounded like a good time to introduce the children ( not to mention Tom ) to my background , while they were both still at home . So we made our plans to visit that very same year . Meanwhile , Mary had the brilliant idea that we should take Grandma 's ashes to Hungary and perhaps we 'd be able to have her buried in the land of her birth . I researched the laws online regarding carrying human ashes on an airplane , but the question of legality was a bit unclear . It did not seem , however , that any serious trouble would occur . We did have the official paper stating that the box contained human remains . Still , I was unsure and decided to keep the ashes in my checked - in luggage so that during carry - on inspection , it would not become an issue . Well , we did get through without any incident , and arrived in Hungary with the ashes still in my suitcase . We had let the relatives in Budapest know ahead of time that we might bring Grandma 's ashes . When we got to Budapest and met my Aunt Rozsi , we told her about the ashes . She enthusiastically agreed to see what she could do about arranging a burial . My Aunt Rozsi is an incredible woman . In her late sixties or early seventies , she was still full of energy and did not hesitate to be out at night in the city of Budapest , moving about easily on public transportation . She is a short little woman who takes copious pictures of people , sometimes to their annoyance , but she is totally lovable . So , while we were out touring the city one day , Aunt Rozsi spent the entire day arranging for a pre - ceremony , for the burial , and for a church service to follow . This involved a lot of bureaucracy , because my Grandma 's ex - husband , next to whom she would be buried , had a special cemetery plot , apparently protected by the writer 's union to which he had belonged . Not only that , but to coordinate the many people involved , official and unofficial , was a momentous task . Well , she pulled it off ! If I recall correctly , it was the next day or two days later that the funeral was scheduled ! At least 10 or 15 relatives came , one from perhaps 50 miles away . It was a beautiful time , followed by a luncheon attended by everyone in Hungary who could participate . Tagged with : ashesBudapestbureaucracycremationGrandmagrandmotherHungaryimmigrantrest in peace Hot Dogs for Dinner ( All temperatures are Fahrenheit . ) Our heater was repaired last week , after about five days of non - operation . I was so happy that I cried from gratitude . It 's not that we 're experiencing frigid weather - I was able to warm the house up to a high of 66 degrees each day , by opening any curtains where the sun could stream in . Perhaps I 'm a " climate wimp " . But , I had thought of how things might have been different - it could have been 32 degrees outside , it could have been a longer period of time , and so on . I thought of homeless people , people who can 't pay their heating bills , and about refugees and migrants who suffer through miserable weather . And I was so grateful for the friendly repairman who promptly came , once the needed part for our 30 - year - old heater had been obtained . Not to mention , grateful that we could pay the bill . This brought to mind another story , which happened around 1947 , told to me by my mother . My parents and older brother had immigrated to the U . S . , after being World War II refugees ( displaced persons ) in Europe for several years . They had been sponsored by my mother 's cousin , who had immigrated to the U . S . before World War II , perhaps being admitted on the strength of being a scientist . My mother 's cousin helped my parents to get a house . When they sat down to their first dinner there , they started to cry . Why ? The dinner consisted of hot dogs and perhaps some other items . They had never had anything as good as hot dogs in the refugee camp , and they realized that others like them were still suffering deprivation . The first few times I voted I cried with gratitude , and many times thereafter , even if it was an election for water district or some other obscure thing . My parents left Hungary near the end of WWII , partly because the Russian communists were invading . For the next 40 years or so , Hungarians ( including the relatives I had who did not leave ) had to endure communism , not the least problem of which is there is only one political party ! When I first visited there in 1980 , before the Berlin wall came down and countries became freer , people were still afraid of the occupying Russians . People of faith could not get good jobs , and many people worked two or three jobs to make ends meet . My relatives even told me that to talk politics or religion , you would not , for example , do that while rowing a boat on the water , because sound carries over the water . They were that paranoid . Tagged with : Berlin wallCalifornia primaryCommunismHungariansHungaryprimary electionright to voteRussian Tale of the Rat One day last week I lifted the lid of our compost bin ( a cheap plastic one with a lid , about 3 ′ by 3 ′ by 3 ′ ) , and saw a fat tail disappearing into the pile . I thought , " It 's either a lizard , a snake , or a rat ( ughh for the rat , at least ) . Friday or Saturday I called my brother - in - law about it ; he owns a pest control company . After talking to him , he said it 's most likely a rat , and that is probably the usual thing , since I do put vegetable scraps and eggshells in the bin , along with leaves and coffee grounds . So , we put 2 big traps in there ( not one outside ; I didn 't want to trap a skunk or something ) . So Sunday there was no activity ; no trap sprung nor tail seen . Today I went out about noon to look in . Staring up at me was a lizard about 8 inches long , whose tail could have been the one I saw earlier . So for now , I have sprung the traps and put them away . A lizard is okay , I guess . Tagged with : compostlizardratsnaketrap First Anniversary Today is the 1st anniversary of what I call my " Kidney Stone Miracle " . Because of going to emergency for kidney stone pain , the doctors also discovered a cancerous tumor in the other ( left ) kidney . A month later , they removed it and I 'm doing well today . Thank you , God , for another year of life ! The surgeon later told me that " You shouldn 't have had that much trouble passing that stone ; it wasn 't that big . " But because of the pain , they found the cancer , so thank God . Often our suffering can have a good result . We don 't always see the result , but in trusting God it can bear good fruit . Tagged with : cancerkidney stonepainsuffering Surgery Successful ( Updated ) 3 / 17 / 14 got up in an almost joyful mood . This is the day they get that dang tumor out ! Praise God ! Arrived at the hospital about 10 a . m . Checked in , went to pre - op . There was a nurse there that I know . What a blessing ! They got me prepared and then it was wait , wait , wait - the previous surgery had delayed mine . No problem . Whenever I got scared I would recite the 23rd Psalm , sometimes out loud . There was a wonderful thing on TV - " Continuous Ambient Relaxation Environment " - C . A . R . E . for short . It showed relaxing pictures from nature with soft music . So Tom and I watched a lot of that . The anestheologist came by and asked questions . My blood pressure was sky high , probably from nerves . Finally the O . R . ( Operating Room ) nurse came with the release form , and I knew the surgery was imminent . As they rolled me out to the O . R . ( two hours late ) , I gave Tom a thumbs up . There were several nurses and doctors in the O . R . already . They helped me scooch onto the operating table . There were the big round operating room lights above me , not turned on yet . It would be about a 3 - hour laproscopic ( robotic ) surgery . Pretty soon they came with an oxygen mask . The anestheologist said a few things , and then , " Okay , here comes the sleepy stuff in your I . V . " I said , " Okay . " I groggily awoke in the recovery room . I talked to a very pleasant male nurse , but could only open my eyes once . He asked , " On a scale of 1 to 10 , how is your pain ? " I said , " About 3 or 4 . " I do remember telling him , " You 're a good nurse ; God bless you , " and he replied , " Awww . " His name was Todd . I don 't remember being taken to my regular hospital room , but eventually I woke up there . They explained the little button I could push to give myself pain medication if needed . The " highlights " of the night were : eating a liquid dinner ( consommé , gelatin , hot tea ) , having Tom and Rebecca visit , going for a walk twice while holding onto the " I . V . tree " ( got nauseated ; second time not as much ) , and of course , every hour or more often someone coming in to check something . But it wasn 't too bad . Also had a private room ! In the morning ( 3 / 18 / 14 ) they brought a breakfast similar to my last night 's dinner . This time I could take in a little more . Perhaps about 7 : 30 a . m . my surgeon came in to check on me . He seemed pleased at how I was doing . He was pretty confident he 'd got all the tumor . In a little bit , a second breakfast came ! The " waiter " said , " You 've been upgraded . " There was some solid food on the tray . Can 't remember much , but there were a lot of carbohydrates and I didn 't eat much of those ( I 'm Type II diabetic ) . I mentioned that to the nurse and it was corrected for lunch . So , the rest is a bit of blur , but soon they took out my catheter , had me go to the bathroom and were pleased with the results . By about noon , Rebecca came to visit ( Tom had come about 9 : 15 a . m . ) , with flowers for me . Two friends also called on our cell phones , and my sister on the hospital phone . Everyone was surprised that I might go home that day . Laproscopic ( robotic ) surgery is much less invasive than traditional surgery ; thus a shorter recovery time . A nurse came in with some medicine for indigestion and I said , " I don 't need that , " and she threw I out . Lunch came and I was able to eat quite a bit of it . I did get up at one point and was walking around the room , with Tom nearby to make sure I did not fall . At some point , the nurse learned that I 'd walked on my own , and pretty soon she came in and said something like , " You can eat , you 're not nauseous , you can walk , and you can go to the bathroom - time to go home ! " First she had to remove the drain , which is a device with a thin tube from the inner surgical area to the outside of your body , that drains excess blood into a grenade - shaped receptacle . She said , " This is going to feel weird , like a snake slithering through your body . " I said , " Okay , " " trying " to relax . " Ready , " I said . She said , " It 's already out ! " I didn 't feel a thing ! Pretty soon I was in a wheelchair headed for home . Recovery has been good . It took me until 2 a . m . the first night to find a good position to sleep in ( sitting up against a bunch of pillows on a corner bed ) . The main tasks were : get your bowels working again , get the gas they insert during surgery to dissipate , keep walking to get your body back to normal . I was pretty sore but nothing unbearable ( took Tylenol ) and was able to sleep well . As of today ( 3 / 29 / 14 ) , still sleeping sitting up . With a follow - up appointment on 3 / 24 , the surgeon told me there 's a slight chance that they didn 't get all the tumor cells , but he was pretty confident that they did . The tumor was malignant and had been growing faster than previously thought , BUT it had NOT spread to other parts of the body . I 'll be seeing an oncologist in April and they 'll keep an eye on me for a while . When sharing about my surgery with others , I 've heard of so many people who 've had cancer in their life . I did not know it was so common ! On one website , if I recall correctly , one in four Americans , at some time in their life , will have some form of cancer . By 2030 , it is projected to be the major cause of death in the U . S . Let 's pray and work for prevention and cures ! Tagged with : surgery The Kidney Stone Miracle So , on President 's Day , 2 / 17 / 2014 , I was thinking of going to a class at my church . On the way to the car , I thought , " I don 't feel that great , I 'd better stay home . " Soon my husband got home from work , and we ate dinner . I gradually felt worse . We went to bed and I kept hoping the bad feeling would go away , but it didn 't . Pretty soon my lower right back started to hurt and it got worse . The pain became so bad that I vomited . I told Tom , " We need to go to urgent care or emergency . " We soon figured out that urgent care had just closed ( it was 9 : 05 p . m . ) , so off we went to emergency . It began to be the same level of pain as being in labor before birth , but I never vomited in labor . We checked in and had to wait for triage . Meanwhile I was hunched over , breathing hard . Eventually it was our turn and I explained to the nurse my pain , unfortunately vomiting once or twice again , into a bag given me for that purpose . I have to admire the medical folks , who emotionally might want to fix your pain right away , but don 't because they need to know what 's wrong first . It must be hard to watch . Soon I was put in a private room in the emergency ward . I can 't remember the sequence of things , but eventually I did get some pain medication . I think it was given soon after they did a CT scan ; I don 't recall . In any case , I finally got relief . Perhaps a half hour later , although again all the times are fuzzy , a doctor from radiology came in to say , yes , I had a kidney stone on my right side , and it was stuck for the time being . Then he went on to say that they 'd also found " something concerning " , a tumor near the left kidney . Needless to say , Tom and I were in shock and it took time for it to sink in . The doctor gave me a list of specialists to choose from to make an appointment as soon as possible . In the end , we met with the specialist and first agreed that he would clean out my right kidney with lithotripsy and get the stuck kidney stone as well . So 2 / 20 , I had the lithotripsy , but the stuck kidney stone had already passed , though I didn 't know it ! ( Too many pain meds , maybe ? ) At least my right kidney shouldn 't give me trouble for a while ! It took me about two weeks to feel somewhat normal again . Meanwhile , I got another CT scan , with contrast , which I take it is more accurate , so the doctor could get a better look at the tumor . So , to get to the miracle : If I hadn 't had the emergency , I never would have had the CT scan , which revealed the tumor . The tumor hasn 't spread . Though I don 't like the situation , it 's early enough to remove the tumor altogether , and I should be fine . If you already feel symptoms from the tumor ( which I had not ) , it may be too late to cure . Thank you , Lord ! Mom went to intensive care tonight , on a BPAP machine ( helps her to breathe ) . She was having spasms due to lack of oxygen to the brain , I think . I 'm hoping to drive to Kaiser Hospital in Roseville tomorrow to see her . Her health has not been well and it may be that all of us kids will be with her tomorrow . My husband Tom is on a trip , so please pray that everyone is safe in their travels , that God 's will be done regarding my mother , and that we will be a comfort to her . On Sunday , she had an about an hour of wakefulness at one point . She repeated three times , " Heaven is the only goal " . Then she blessed each one of us kids individually , with a special word for each one . I 'm so grateful we had that time . Tuesday was a very good day for mom , emotionally and spiritually speaking . A person from the local church prayed with her , as they do every day . Also , a priest friend of hers called from Africa ! I held the phone to her ear and she smiled . She seemed much more peaceful throughout the day . she would smile at us with love when awake , but could only speak one word now and then . Her smile lights up the room ! More smiles than I 've seen on the previous days . Her best friend from El Cerrito visited her . Tom decided the previous day to cancel his trip and arrived a bit earlier . A harpist [ part of the Kaiser Roseville chaplaincy department ] came and played for about 1 / 2 an hour ! Lots of prayer and thanks for yours . She passed away peacefully at about 3 : 30 p . m . A hospital chaplain had happened ( ? ) to come in and realized that she was passing . I was out in the hallway and they yelled for me . All of her children ( four of us ) , two spouses and two girlfriends were there . Amazing that we all got to be there . COPYRIGHT © C . N . Rodeheffer and clarakatalin . wordpress . com , 2012 - 2017 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to C . N . Rodeheffer and clarakatalin . wordrpress . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content .

I recently read that folks with diagonal creases in their ear lobes are more likely to have heart disease than those without such creases . This is nothing to be jumping out of windows over if you discover that you have creases but it is interesting . Doctors still have a lot to learn but they do feel that such creases may be a marker of heart disease . You can read about this here or by Googling . You will spend the rest of your day looking at earlobes . Sorry . Paul 's explanation of what we often call " The Journey " . He is working to ensure unity in the Corinth church by explaining that , though we may be at varying points in our own individual journeys , we 're all in this together . All gifted differently but all walking the same path in pursuit of Christ . 1 Corinthians 2 Diddle Diddle Dumpling , My son John , Went to bed with his trousers on ; One shoe off and the other shoe on , Diddle Diddle Dumpling , My son John . As a parent , you see all of these " cute " and " funny " things your kid does . . . all of those truly special times , too . And you think you will not have any problem remembering them . But , fact is , you do . Those stories quickly get covered up by other life stuff and suddenly you realize you can 't at all remember those things . I was reminded last night , though , of how Evan used to walk around the house with just one shoe on when he was maybe 3 or 4 years old . I never understood that because he is a kid who generally likes order in his life . I wondered at the time if he would grow up to be the absent - minded professor . I think I am pleased to say that , today , he is always either fully shoeless or fully shoed . I say " I think " because in many ways it is hard to see those silly things of your child 's personality disappear as they become more transformed by the world and less the " original " perhaps that God designed them to be . The above little nursery rhyme was often repeated around our house during Evan 's " one shoe period . " It was especially appropriate because somehow the names " Evan " and " John " are related , both meaning " blessing from God " . And that he is . The following was written by Steve Troxel of God 's Daily Word Ministries . I found the analgoy he draws to be quite interesting . In the message " Cut The Lifeboats " we were encouraged to cut away those areas of our life which still cling to the world 's answers for fulfillment and security - those areas which keep our hearts from being fully devoted to God . But at the same time , we acknowledged this can be a difficult process . One reason for this difficulty is our extremely limited view of our life and the world around us . Our flawed perception is not unlike a tiny ant . These small creatures seem to never stop working as they scurry about frantically moving little grains of sand from here to there in the hope of building a secure home . If we could ask an ant to describe his world , he might tell us about his hole in the ground , about the few thousand members of his family , and maybe something about the few surrounding meters where he gathers food . Obviously , the ant has a very limited view of the real world . But as our Heavenly Father watches us build our homes of security - watches us frantically moving from here to there , trying to climb to the top of the hill - He also sees a creation with a VERY limited view of the real world ; " As the heavens are higher than the earth , so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts " ( Isaiah 55 : 9 ) . As seen from God 's perspective , we have almost no understanding of how the little corner of our life fits into His plan or how our current problems are leading us closer to Him . From God 's perspective our view is as limited as the ant . But , though we may not fully see or understand , He is calling us to trust . Proverbs 3 : 5 - 6 " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding ; in all your ways acknowledge Him , and He will make your paths straight . " Many of us are facing difficult circumstances . We want to walk along God 's path and live a life pleasing to Him , but we 're not sure which direction to turn . Our indecision is often because we only trposted at 5 : 45 AM 0 comments I recently had the privilege and honor to do the invocation prayer at the graduation ceremony held at Evan 's school . No , he wasn 't graduating yet but I did think a lot about how he is now half - way between birth and graduation . I tend to think about life a lot that way - - where we are on timelines . It probably shows some deep - seated psychological flaw for me to do that . Anyway , so I can keep track of it , here is the prayer I prayed . I really struggled with whether to write out the prayer and , in essence , just " read " it or to pray spontaneously . I ended up writing it out and reading it . My preference would be to nevr do it that way again if I can help it . Dear Heavenly Father , We thank you for this day of harvest - a day of sending forth the next class of Christian Academy students to be leaders for you . All sorts of emotions fill the room this evening , ranging from nervousness to excitement and everywhere in between . For the graduates , we pray for discernment and wisdom . We know that you have a very special plan for each of them . Christian Academy has been but one small part of that plan but we pray that they have learned things here which will allow them to fulfill the rest of your plan . We pray that each of them in coming months and years will not only discover your plan for their lives but that they will have the courage and faith to pursue it relentlessly , Lord , because it is a plan from you , not a plan of this world . We know that , in their lives , mistakes will be made , just as we all make mistakes . We thank you for your grace which covers us and we pray for your direction to always guide us back on your path . We thank you , Lord , for each of the parents here and for the love that they hold for your children who have been entrusted to them . On behalf of these parents , we pray that you will watch over their children in the coming months and years . We pray that your loving hand of protection will hold them and guide them . When these graduates face difficult decisions , may they seek more of you and through that may thposted at 5 : 40 AM 0 comments The following was written by Steve Troxel of God 's Daily Word Ministries . At the end of his third missionary journey , Paul was arrested in Jerusalem , transferred about 40 miles up the road to Caesarea , and sat in prison for over two years before being sent by boat to stand trial in Rome . During the journey to Rome , a storm blew the ship off course and threatened to kill everyone on board . Acts 27 : 30 - 32 " In an attempt to escape from the ship , the sailors let the lifeboat down into the sea , pretending they were going to lower some anchors from the bow . Then Paul said to the centurion and the soldiers , ' Unless these men stay with the ship , you cannot be saved . ' So the soldiers cut the ropes that held the lifeboat and let it fall away . " Where is our true security ? Most of us have lifeboats which we keep close to our side . Even after we 've accepted the forgiveness and saving grace of Jesus , we tend to keep the lifeboats - just in case . We say we 're trusting our future to God , but we still make sure every step of our life is planned for the next 30 years and fight any attempt to deviate from " the plan " - just in case . We say we understand the concept of eternity and the idea that our life is " a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes " ( James 4 : 14 ) , but we still strive for titles and positions so our friends and family can remember us as " successful " - just in case . We say we want to live for Jesus and praise our Heavenly Father for all eternity , but we still don 't want to miss the immediate pleasures of the world - just in case . If we keep one foot in the ship and one foot in the lifeboat , we will never live as God desires . It makes absolutely no sense to say we believe and trust God with our eternity and yet fail to trust Him with the uncertainties of tomorrow or the storms of today . Cutting the lifeboats means we place ALL our trust in God , believe His Word as truth , and live accordingly : " Do not merely listen to the Word , and so deceive yourselves . Do what it says " ( James 1 : 22 ) . We MUST stay with the ship ! Aposted at 6 : 08 PM 0 comments Following is a daily devotional available from www . atgodstable . com " You shall be holy , for I the LORD your God am holy . " Leviticus 19 : 2The bottom line of God 's requirements for men is this single word : qadosh - holy . Jesus thought it was so important that he quoted this verse ( Matthew 5 : 48 ) when He summarized His discussion of the law . If your translation says , " be perfect , " it reflects the Greek word , not the Hebrew word . So , if the Father and the Son both agree that holiness is the absolute fundamental , what does this mean in action ? Qadosh describes something ( a person , place or thing ) that is inherently sacred or that has been designated sacred by a ceremonial act . It is exactly the opposite of profane ; something that is used commonly , without special attribute of quality . For example , profanity is using language that should have a holy , sacred quality in a common , base way . Profanity strips language of its divinity . Likewise , whenever we act in ways that strip divinity from its rightful place in our lives , we become profane . Step back a bit and reflect on this . Life , all life , is sacred . God brought life into being and life reflects Him . God designated Life sacred , blessed it and put His stamp on it . If you go back to the Genesis account , you will discover that every step of the creative process is saturated with God 's holiness . God is holy and all that He does reflects that holiness . Therefore , in obedience to Him and in recognition of the true character of Life , we are asked to deliberately reflect the same holy attribute . That means that every act , every thought , every word of our lives is judged by the fundamental structure of the universe - holiness ! Hold the mirror of holiness up to your life . Is the reflection clear and bright ? Is every part of your life a testimony to the holiness inherent in God 's creation ? Do you live and move and exist in the fabric of the sacred quality of Life ? Or are there some things that you allow to be profaned ? Are there some things where your actions , thoughtposted at 6 : 45 AM 1 comments I know that I have moved on to I Corinthians but I have been trying to discover what God taught me through reading Exodus . The number one thing that struck me was the building of the tabernacle . I have read that it took about five months to build it though , when I read of all of the painstaking details , and think of doing it all without modern tools and Microsoft , it seems overwhelming that it could have been done that quickly . But here you have the Israelites . . . escaped from Egypt , led into the desert and to Mt Sinai by Moses . Fed by manna . Frustrated because at times slavery looks better than wilderness . Waiting for the promised land . . . a bit discouraged as to whether they 'd ever really see it . And yet it is , with the building of the tabernacle , an amazingly productive time for the Israelites . Yes , ultimately , I guess it was a period of waiting for the promised land but yet they discovered the work at hand and kept busy at it . I have posted before about how I had felt for awhile that I had lost my groove . . . I was drifting into the background of my own life . . . letting others make my decisions and determine the future . Exodus has taught me that that is not the way to do things . Yes , I may feel like I am in an " in - between " period . . . waiting for something . But yet , like the Israelites , I need to make that a productive time . Yes , they had clear directives from God in building the tabernacle but yet , to them , building this mobile sanctuary was not where they thought Moses was leading them . This wasn 't the promised land ! They were stuck at the bottom of a mountain in the desert and they weren 't even allowed to climb it and take a look around ! Yikes ! What could be more depressing ? They had escaped Egypt with fine materials , jewelry and other precious things . . . yet here , in the desert , for some God - only - knows reason , they were asked to give those things up and build this huge Tabernacle - A - Go - Go ! When I look at my life , I see how the dry spells , if I leave them dry , stay dry . It is in my moments of high energy and enthusposted at 10 : 08 AM 2 comments I love this first chapter of I Corinthians . I think that at its root is a reminder of the humility we 're called to as Christians . We 're not called to live on our own power . We 're not called to stand on street corners and shout . We 're not called to talk down to others or to raise ourselves up through our talk . We 're not called to fool others with fancy words . We are called to follow , best we can , in the steps of Jesus Christ , the one who gave His life so we may have have eternal life . We 're called to love each other as Christians and to also love pre - Christians . We 're called to preach the message of salvation but to do so through openness and autheticity . . . through true relationships with one another . We 're called to live on His power . . . to become less so that He might become more . I Corinthians 1 1 ) Well , American Idol is over . Jordin Sparks is it . Unfortunately , our DVR did not catch the final few minutes of the show so we sat through a couple of hours of other stuff and never saw her actually win . She 's talented and I am excited for her . It 's a big deal . Part of me wonders if these young singers really know what they 're in for now . My lighlight of last night 's show was Melinda Doolittle singing " Hold Up The Light " with Bebe and Cece Winans . She was every bit as talented as they are . 2 ) I have taken a few days off from my Bible - Chapter - A - Day posting . Am trying to decide what book of the Bible to explore next . Am thinking maybe I Corinthians . We 'll see . 3 ) A couple of days ago , Lisa and I had the opportunity to speak at a banquet that was held at Evan 's school for participants and parents in their EAGLES program . I can never remember what " EAGLES " stands for exactly but it is their enrichment program for gifted learners . " Banquet " is a funny word , isn 't it ? In first grade , I won a contest sponsored by a local realtor in which first graders and high school seniors were asked to write an essay on " What my home means to me " or something like that . As the first grade winner , I had to go to a banquet at the Swedish House restaurant and read my essay . I was most confused by what " banquet " meant . . . that was after I was confused by what " essay " meant . Anyway , when we spoke the other night , Lisa did a great job - - much better than I did . One of the things I spoke of , though , was how God gives us all different gifts and talents and expects us to use them for His glory . I mentioned that I wonder whether , if we don 't use our gifts , God takes them away . For example , I jokingly pointed out that I once had a full head of nice hair but apparently I did not use it well . But , really , I guess the Parable of our Talents does somewhat indicate Jesus ' teaching that we are to use and build upon what we have or else we might lose it . It was the 1973 - 74 school year and I was just another kid in Mrs . Runk 's fourth grade class at Allen East Elementary School in LaFayette ( don 't want to miss that capital " F " ) , Ohio . She arranged a field trip for us . Field trips happened maybe 3 - 4 times a year back then and they were always a real highlight of the year . I don 't know that they happen so often in school anymore . She arranged a field trip for us to her husband 's business , CSS Publishing in Lima , Ohio . I do not remember a whole lot about what we saw there . But I do remember her husband talking to us and encouraging us to write and journal . And I remember what he gave each of us - - a small glue - bound booklet of blank ivory - colored cardstock for us to write and journal in . After a good period of waiting and deliberation , I used my booklet for several years to write about the Cincinnati Reds . This was during the height of the Big Red Machine era and I followed all of the players very closely . I knew all of their stats and studied them after each game . Bench , Morgan , Rose , Concepcion , Foster , Nolan , Gullett , Geronimo , Billingham , Perez . I knew them all very well and I also kept a Cincinnati Reds scrapbook of newspaper clippings . I still have that booklet and the scrapbook someplace though I suspect the glue in the booklet has cracked and the pages have separated . But I think back occasionally to CSS Publishing and Mr . Wesley Runk . . . . and the lifelong impact he had on this snot - nosed fourth grader by giving me that little booklet and starting me on lifetime of enjoying playing with words . I recently sent him an email just to let him know that he made an impact that day over 30 years ago . Remembering that makes me more sensitive to the impact , good or bad , that I can choose to have on others each day of my life . Okay , this has been an odd experience . I do not necessarily " feel " the following words for myself right now but in the past few hours , God spoke them to and told me to write them . He didn 't do it with a loud , booming voice . He actually sounded a bit like Woody Allen . Just kidding . . . he just placed these words on my heart and told me to blog them , so here they are . I hope they reach and touch whoever they are intended for . Lord , why do you keep pounding away at me ? Like a sculptor , are you chipping away at a rock blow after painful blow , hoping to reveal something beautiful and worthy inside ? If so , therein lies the problem I believeAs I do not know that there is any beauty inside . But if I do not believe that there is beauty insidethen strike after strike , am I not denying your very existence ? How am I to react to this refining and shaping ? Am I to just accept it and carry on with my life , letting things work out over time ? Am I to ignore it best I can , becoming numb to each strike of the hammer ? Am I to wince each time the chisel chips , holding it as memory of change and shaping ? I think I know what the answer is supposed to bebut sometimes I grow tired of this process . Sometimes I wince before the hammer even strikes , just thinking of my need for additional painful growth . But ultimately , I thank you , Lord . I thank you for loving me enough , for so wanting me to be a part of your plan , that your chiseling of refinementcontinually seeks the beauty insidethat I myself just don 't see . BLUFFTON , OH - - Back in Bluffton today , all the talk around town is about folks riding their bikes to avoid high gas prices . And , indeed , I am seeing bicyclists all over town . Oh , and one other thing . . . today was apparently Senior Parade Day at the high school . I was welcomed into town at the first stoplight by an impromptu parade of high school seniors riding all sorts of vehicles . Lawn mowers were common as were mini - bikes , mopeds , bicycles , and golf carts . Only in Bluffton . Ya gotta love it . ( Or at least I do . ) Somehow it seems appropriate this morning to share the lyrics of The Coffee Song by Ralph Covert of Ralph 's World . Ralph is a former rocker turned children 's singer . . . we had all of his CDs when Evan was younger and we loved laughing and singing along to his hilarious songs . This was one of my favorites . M - O - M - M - Y needs C - O - F - F - E - E D - A - D - D - Y needs C - O - F - F - E - E I love my kid . . . I love my kid Gosh , I need love my kid But I need what I need , and I need a lot of what I need C - O - F - F - E - E M - O - M - M - Y needs C - O - F - F - E - E D - A - D - D - Y needs C - O - F - F - E - E I want a latte , a cappuccino And tonight I think I 'll have a little vino M - O - M - M - Y needs C - O - F - F - E - E D - A - D - D - Y needs C - O - F - F - E - E Moses did not lead the Israelites with just his word , here we see him leading with his actions as well by setting up the Tabernacle . It must have seemed odd to Moses to now be annointing his older brother - - who had been in Moses ' shadow - - as high priest . Aaron 's sons ruled over Moses ' sons . Yet Moses was a faithful man , following hard after God . There is a lesson in there for all Christians , I think , about the importance of humbling ourselves to God 's will . Pride is a human emotion that can spoil God 's plans if we do not make it subservient to Him . Exodus 40 . . . with coffee . A couple of Sundays ago , I saw two boys , probably 11 or 12 , at the " coffee getting station " in the balcony of our church . ( Some people call it the " coffee bar " but I 'm too Methodist to call anything inside the church a " bar " . . . sorry . ) One of them was pouring himself a cup of fancy flavored coffee as the other one looked on in horror . " But , dude , it 's still coffee , even if it is flavored ! " When I was that age , I must admit that I would have had a similar reaction to coffee . I 'd tried it a time or two and found it to be the most foul tasting stuff in the world . Somewhere along the line , though , I have seen the light . And the light is dark , rich , deliciously fragrant , with a little foam on top , and truly wonderful . While I was in high school , I still was not a coffee drinker . My town was not exactly someplace where you could get coffee other than at McDonalds or a couple of coffee shop dives where only very old people seemed to hang out . McDonalds ' coffee has made great headway in recent years but had a lot to be desired back then . And I wasn 't too into places where old people hung out . . . though I am curiously drawn to those spots today . ( hmmm . . . I wonder why ? ) However , as I thought ahead to college , I could imagine myself sitting around some cozy coffee house drinking that wonderful brew with friends , all whilst ruminating on the subject of world peace . When I got to to college , though , there wasn 't a coffee house in sight . There was only one " bar " in town and it truly was the type of " bar " that I was a little too Methodist to frequent . There was a sort of snack shop in the student center but the student center was called " The Barn " because it was constructed of old timbers that came out of an old barn that once housed the college 's gymnasium . It just wasn 't the right atmosphere for ruminations and wonderings . Heck , I don 't even know if they sold coffee in The Barn . But my first experience with coffee did occur in college . I believe it was the summer after my junior year that a good friend and I ventuposted at 5 : 14 AM 0 comments Shortly before we were to put Evan to bed this evening , Lisa received a phone call . It was concerning the school 's upcoming " golf and walk " event and I had a suspicion the call might take awhile . So , I put Evan to bed by myself . I am not sure exactly how the subject came up but I mentioned that his mom and I are a team - - " together forever " . As soon as I said that , a big smile crossed Evan 's face . Now , this is a young boy who is normally completely grossed out by any thought of a relationship between a male and a female . But my words of assurance touched him . I think that that simple assurance that his mom and I are " together forever " was the greatest gift I could give to him this evening . In a world where he increasingly hears about divorce and moms and dads not getting along with each other , what I said this evening , rather off the cuff , apparently meant a lot to him . I know it would have meant a lot to me at his age , but I never heard those words . As I left his room , he still had a smile on his face as he buried his head into his pillow . " Sleep well , young prince , " I said . It was a very touching moment if I do say so myself . A sort of Hallmark / Kodak moment . Except for one thing . He didn 't understand what I said . So his response was " What 's a young britch , dad ? " " Just go to sleep , Evan . I love you . " " The person is defined in terms of freedom , hence in terms of responsibility also : responsibility to other persons , responsibility for other persons . To put it in concrete terms , the Christian is not only one who seeks the expansion and development of his own individuality and the satisfaction of his most legitimate natural needs but one who recognizes himself responsible for the good of others , for their own temporal fulfillment , and ultimately for their eternal salvation . Hence , the Christian person reaches maturity with the realization that each one of us is indeed his " brother 's keeper , " and that if men are suffering and dying in Asia or Africa , other men in Europe and America are summoned to self - judgment before the bar of conscience to see whether , in fact , some choice or neglect on their own part has had a part in this suffering and this dying , which otherwise may seem so strange and remote . For today the whole world is bound tightly together by economic , cultural and sociological ties which make us all , to some extent , responsible for what happens to others on the far side of the earth . Man is now not only a social being ; his social nature transcends national and regional limits , and whether we like it or not , we must think in terms of one human family , one world . " A little over a week ago , my wonderful bride posted about " time well spent " . It was in reference to a day I was able to take off work so we could spend time together . It was indeed a wonderful day and time well spent . I treasure every minute with her . Part of what we did that day was visit a new upscale shopping area near Dayton , Ohio . It is a very nice " open air " mall , sort of like a little village all its own . We meandered through the streets and in and out of the different stores . There are not a lot of stores there but most of them are pretty upscale . I spent some time looking at some shirts I liked at Eddie Bauer . . . until I realized they were $ 65 ! No wonder I liked them . The idea of paying more than $ 25 for a shirt , though , doesn 't sit well with me . But as I went from store to store , two words kept coming to my mind : " sickening consumerism " . I couldn 't help it . Everyplace I turned , I saw things that were very nice but yet they were things I really didn 't need - - at prices that were outrageous . To make matters worse , I kept thinking about the people in far - off lands with funny - sounding names who are probably working very hard in not very good conditions for very little pay , just so that these things will be available to what really cannot be called anything other than an increasingly hedonistic society . It seems that we 're born searching for something . It starts out as a search for food and a search for comfort . We show our longing by crying and then we 're either fed or our dipaer is changed . We are satisfied for awhile . Later , kids search for approval from their parents . " Mommy , daddy , look at me ! " is the call as they try something new . ( As parents , we may tire of hearing that but not giving our kids that attention can lead to an escalating parade of things before us , all to get our attention . That escalation can go from the innocence of tricks involving jumping off the back of the couch to the the seriousness of self - damaging behavior if parents do not provide the proper attention . ) I digressed there a bit but , posted at 5 : 38 AM 1 comments What I want to talk about now is the various ways God 's Spirit gets worked into our lives . This is complex and often mis - understood , but I want you to be informed and knowledgeable . Remember how you were when you didn 't know God , led from one phony god to another , never knowing what you were doing , just doing it because everybody else did it ? It 's different in this life . God wants us to use our intelligence , to seek to understand as well as we can . For instance , by using your heads , you know perfectly well that the Spirit of God would never prompt anyone to say " Jesus be damned ! " Nor would anyone be inclined to say " Jesus is Master ! " without the insight of the Holy Spirit . God 's various gifts are handed out everywhere ; but they all originate in God 's Spirit . God 's various ministries are carried out everywhere ; but they all originate in God 's Spirit . God 's various expressions of power are in action everywhere ; but God himself is behind it all . Each person is given something to do that shows who God is : Everyone gets in on it , everyone benefits . All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit , and to all kinds of people ! The variety is wonderful : wise counsel clear understanding simple trust healing the sick miraculous acts proclamation distinguishing between spirits tongues interpretation of tongues . All these gifts have a common origin , but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God . He decides who gets what , and when . You can easily enough see how this kind of thing works by looking no further than your own body . Your body has many parts - limbs , organs , cells - but no matter how many parts you can name , you 're still one body . It 's exactly the same with Christ . By means of his one Spirit , we all said good - bye to our partial and piecemeal lives . We each used to independently call our own shots , but then we entered into a large and integrated life in which he has the final say in everything . ( This is what we proclaimed in word and action when we were baptized . ) Each of us is now a part of his resurrectionposted at 6 : 02 AM 0 comments I was thinking the other day about the different jobs I have held in my life . There are not very many . In fact , for a 43 + year old guy , I 'd say that I have held very few jobs . My parents never asked much of me in terms of chores around the house . I generally would sort of follow them around and try my best to help with yard and house work but I rarely had assigned " chores " . Mom and dad built a new house for us when I was between 4th and 5th grades . I spent a lot of time at the new house " helping " . . . at least I hope that I was helping . It seemed to me like I was though now I sometimes look back and wonder just how much help I really was . As I reached about the age of 12 , I started mowing the lawn with at least some regularity although mom and dad still did their share of it , too . From about the age of 11 on we lived in a house that had a large wooded yard . I really enjoyed helping to clear it out and keep it looking nice . Over a period of a couple of years , we took a very overgrown couple of acres down to a nicely treed and mown area . Probably around the age of 12 and for a few years after that , I did the odd babysitting job . I never enjoyed it but it made a little bit of money for me . I remember once telling two squabbling siblings I was watching that they could go ahead and hit each other . I was never asked to come back again . I also remember babysitting a recently potty - trained boy who kept peeing in his underwear . We went through probably 15 pairs of underwear that evening . They never asked me back again either . My summer between 8th and 9th grade , I babysat three days a week as I recall for two boys . I think I maybe earned $ 10 per week . I was basically these peoples ' slave for the summer . In addition to watching their kids ( who were pretty well - behaved ) , I had to clean the house and do laundry , prepare lunch for the entire family , and have dinner started at the end of the day . However , my reward was that I had money at the end of the summer to buy a bright red Schwinn Traveler III ten - speed . It was something likposted at 5 : 04 AM 1 comments What happens to a team when no one wants to say , or even suggest , that the leader could possibly be wrong ? What occurs is a real breakdown in communications . The result of that could be a complete failure of the team to meet its stated mission . What leads to this sort of behavior ? Are the team members scared of retribution ? Are they just " brown - nosing " ? Or do they think that the leader must have it all together , so they could not possibly be wrong ? I suppose that ultimately it could be due to any of these things and probably other things as well . It is ultimately up to the leader to be watchful of this situation and haul it out on the carpet when they feel it is happening . Sometimes the leader may just have to say , " This is a journey , folks ! None of us knows it all . It only works when we work together as a team . Your input and ideas and creativity are critical to the team . That 's why you 're here . " It seems like , increasingly on teams that I participate in at work , I find myself in the situation of feeling like everyone just wants to be a " yes person " around me . I need to look more inward to myself and my behavior to help me figure out why things are that way . I know that it hurts our effectiveness and success as a team . We have some very smart and innovative team members yet , when give the opportunity to express their thoughts , they clam up . And they never want to tell me that I could be wrong . Even this blog - - sometimes I wonder why more people don 't challenge me on my thoughts . Perhaps I am too milquetoast to be challenged but I do love it when I get the occasional post that encourages me to seek new depths and ways of understanding ! I 'd love to get more of those . And I must admit - - I have been there before on teams where I have served . I have been among those who sit back and watch rather than participate . The reason is partially because I tend to be a " processor " . . . I need to think things through a bit before responding . Sometimes it is because I am afraid of my suggestions being shot down by the leader . ( Thisposted at 5 : 33 AM 0 comments Exodus 35Their hearts were roused , their spirits and hearts moved freely . . . these are words The Message uses to describe the generosity of the Israelites in their response to God 's command . Wwhen I hear God 's call for me to be generous , compassionate , and kind , my heart is usually roused . . . it is in the " free movement " thing where my human side often pulls me back though . Away from worship and love and gratitude and back to self - centeredness . . . back to selfishness . . . back even to greed . I pray that , in this hurting world . . . this world where so many are really thirsting for signs of a God who loves them , not gods who want from them , those of us who are followers will have our hearts roused and that , beyond even that , we will move freely to show and prove Jesus ' love for everyone , especially for those who are hurting and those who may have even turned to the gods of this world in order to numb themselves to the very real and very human pains of this world . We can change our world . . . we can show and teach it love and grace and compassion . Though this starts with the rousing , we have to go beyond that and into the stage of spirits and hearts that move freely . Well , unfortunately , my sad prediction at the start of American Idol last night came true . Just as I feared , Melinda Doolittle got voted off the show . When it came down to her and Blake at the end , you could see it in Blake 's eyes . He knew that he would be going home . And he was okay with that . He knew that he was in the presence of a truly great singer and he knew that he 'd done his best . However , when it turned out that Melinda was going home instead , you could see the shock even in the eyes of Blake 's number one fan , his dad . I am sure he was tremendously happy and excited for his son but I don 't think anyone expected Melinda to not be in the final two . Melinda is an incredible singer . You can give her any song and she will absolutely 100 % knock it out of the ballpark as far as technical singing ability . A person could listen to her all day and not be disappointed . If she so chooses ( and I wonder whether she really will ) , Melinda will have a very solid career and probably , as third place contestant , even has some opportunity to launch her career faster and better than the other two . So , why did I feel that she 'd be going home ? The other two have " star appeal " that , regardless of their talents , I knew the American public was going to gravitate to . Jordin , also a very solid singer who can do a lot with just about any song , has a bubbly personality that gives her huge charisma . People like that . We also know she 's only seventeen though she sings and acts much older . Younger folks aspire to that . Blake may not have quite the singing ability of the other two , nor actually the charisma of Jordin , but he has a uniqueness you cannot deny . Could I listen to an entire CD of him ? I 'm not sure . If he mixed it up enough , perhaps . But he has shown again and again a great ability to take a song , mix it up a bit , and create something hip and fresh . I like that . If you 've been following the show , you may recall a few segments ago when Simon encouraged Melinda to stop acting so humble and surprised when she stayed on the show at the eposted at 5 : 14 AM 0 comments Yesterday morning found me once again in Bluffton , Ohio for my latest prolotherapy treatment . I have found a special way to treat myself after getting about 130 injections in the prolotherapy treatment . And that is to stop in and spend a little bit of time at The Common Grounds Coffeehouse in Bluffton . Yesterday , because I had a large project to work on , I had decided that I would nto go into the office later but instead spend some time working at Common Grounds before heading home for a late afternoon planning meeting at Evan 's school . Common Grounds has quickly become one of my favorite places . Of course , having grown up nearby to Bluffton and then later return there for college , Bluffton has a special place in my heart anyway . It is a community of friendly folks who seem to be at peace with themselves . Now appearances can be deceptive . . . I know that . . . and I tend to fall in love with whatever town I am in . . . but there is something special about Bluffton . Where else can you be walking through campus and have squirrels fall out of trees right before you and then sit up , shake their heads , and look at you like you did something to cause this calamity ? Anyway , I had a great few hours at Common Grounds . Lots of folks came and went as I sat there at my table taking advantage of their free wireless . There were a few faces I remembered from years back . A bit more aged but friendly nonetheless . I had a wonderful lunch with half of a chicken salad wrap as well as a bowl of Sweet Potato Ham Chowder . . . the name sounded a little odd but , trust me , it was chowder that was good enough to be pronounced as " chowda " . Anyway , it was a great treat . . . a relaxing and refeshing time . I do feel rejuvenated today but , if I could find an excuse to get back up there today . . . My previous post got pretty messy . Sorry about that . Not sure I am making sense . If you don 't think I am , feel free to send this picture to me . This picture always cracks me up . I had a co - worker who once took this picture and put his own face in place of the bunny . He did this a few days before he was leaving to take a different job . ( It was on good terms . I was as excited about his new job opportunity as he was . ) And then he put text with the picture that went something like " I 'm leaving soon and really don 't care so here 's me with a pancake on my head . " Oh yeah . . . we have fun times all right at Classic Metal Roofing Systems . Meanwhile , Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord 's disciples . He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus , so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way , whether men or women , he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem . As he neared Damascus on his journey , suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him . He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him , " Saul , Saul , why do you persecute me ? " " Who are you , Lord ? " Saul asked . " I am Jesus , whom you are persecuting , " he replied . " Now get up and go into the city , and you will be told what you must do . " The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless ; they heard the sound but did not see anyone . Saul got up from the ground , but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing . So they led him by the hand into Damascus . For three days he was blind , and did not eat or drink anything . In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias . The Lord called to him in a vision , " Ananias ! " " Yes , Lord , " he answered . The Lord told him , " Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul , for he is praying . In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight . " " Lord , " Ananias answered , " I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your saints in Jerusalem . And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name . " But the Lord said to Ananias , " Go ! This man is my chosen instrument to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel . I will show him how much he must suffer for my name . " Then Ananias went to the house and entered it . Placing his hands on Saul , he said , " Brother Saul , the Lord - Jesus , who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here - has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit . " Immediately , something like scales fell from Saul 's eyes , and he could see again . He got up and was baptizedposted at 7 : 20 PM 0 comments Exodus 33There is lots of good stuff here . God calls Moses to move on and He offers His protection . But God also calls them a " hard - headed lot . " God knows that they will want more - - that His guarantee of protection will not be enough . So Moses goes to talk to God and it seems like they have a fairly casual , friendly conversation . Sort of like a couple of friends catching up at the local coffee house . ( We can all take a lesson in our walks with God from that idea , I am sure . ) Moses asks God for more assurance . Deep down , they both know that the Israelites have been through a lot and are going to require more than just a " Follow me and I will be there " kind of assurance . Moses reminds God that , even though God has entrusted these people to Moses , God is their ruler . God has called these people " special " and He has a responsibility to them . Moses didn 't mince words when talking with God . I like that . We can 't work through the dark or trouble - filled areas of our lives by pussy - footing around . We have to be honest . And Moses appears to have been so . " If you 're not going to do more to lead us , let 's just call the whole thing off right now , " Moses says . Although this may have been like a meeting between two friends , I wonder if Moses wasn 't at least a little nervous talking like this . I wonder if , in part , Moses ' own uncertainties weren 't showing in what he was saying . I suspect that he was afraid of mutiny if God didn 't give him a little more assurance through all of this . God reminds Moses that God is indeed in control - - that He will treat people as they deserve to be treated . And then God offers Moses a chance to see His backside . That had to have been awesome but yet , still , it had to have been a little odd for Moses to be thinking , " Oh great , I can go tell this anxious mob that I saw God 's backside and that is supposed to make them feel better ? " Yesterday was Mother 's Day . Man , you have to hand it to the moms of the world , don 't you ? In a world that seems to be spinning out of control with busy - ness , don 't you think that moms are often what holds it together ? I know it 's that way in our little family . Lisa is the rock - - our voice of reason in the midst of craziness . Our encourager and supporter yet the one who keeps us on track . Our organizer yet the one who loves so freely . Thank you , dear , for being the great mom you are for Evan and all of those wonderful things you are for me . Exodus 32Notice how Aaron tries to justify his actions - - " I was forced into it . I had no choice . " Moses , on the other hand , in verses 31 - 32 , takes responsibility for the Israelites ' sins " If you cannot forgive them , hold me accountable for their sins . " What does God hold us to in our lives ? Justification of our wrongs or complete and total repentance ? We know the answer , of course . But how often , when we sin , do we try to justify it . . . to God , to others , and to ourselves ? Are we not showing a lack of trust in God 's grace and love for us when we do that ? Just as He did for the Israelites who built the ark of the covenant and the tabernacle and all that entailed , God gifts us each individually . It is awesome , really , how He works through His people and brings them together at times when much can be accomplished for the Kingdom . Often , we mess up and are pre - occupied or distracted or simply have closed ears so I am sure that we do not accomplish everything he equips us to do . That is unfortunate . It is our duty to remain ever - vigilant in seeking His call on our lives and to do our best in all endeavors so that we might glorify Him , just as the artisans who painstaking crafted the ark and built the tabernacle did . But then we are to rest on the Sabbath . Every once in awhile I see articles where science is discovering more and more the positive effect that periodic and regular rest has on our physical and emotional health . Taking a day to rest and worship is a challenge for all of us but it is also one of His commandments . Growing up , my family was pretty strict on keeping Sunday as a day for church and rest . Often Sunday afternoons would involve a ride out in the countryside enjoying the beauty of what God has given us . Those are some of my best childhood memories . It 's been easy for me to get away from that though , using Sundays to work around the house and prepare for the coming week . Not good . I believe that our gifts and talents are of less value to God when we do not properly rest and rejuvenate . Exodus 31 Yesterday I actually worked out in the yard a little bit . I had come in and was in the back bathroom washing my hands when Lisa walked by . I was wearing a pair of shorts that are a bit loose on me . Or perhaps they more just sort of travel around trying to find out if I still have a waist where they can rest . ( I don 't . ) Anyway , at the moment , they were sagging a bit and my underwear was showing around the top . I am enbarrassed to say that they 'd been doing this while I was in the yard , too , but my hands were too dirty to pull them up . Of course , when they do this , they pretty much become the length of long pants rather than shorts . You get the unattractive picture , I am sure . Anyway , I asked Lisa if having my pants sag like that made me look young and hip . Bless her heart , she said " yeah " and then turned away and was out of my hearing range before she started , I am sure , to chuckle . That was so nice of her though . And today is Mom 's Day , not Dad 's Day . Have a great one , Lisa ! I haven 't really commented on all of the details here in Exodus on the construction of the ark of the covenant and the tabernacle . Exodus 28 now has exact details on the priestly garments to be worn by Aaron and his son . I think it 's interesting to note from Exodus 25 : 2 that all of the materials for building and making these things - - all of the gold and other precious metals , all of the jewels , all of the expensive materials - - were to have been collected from the Israelites . So into the making of all of these things went a sacrificial offering from everyone . They were giving up their best , their finest - - for their Lord . That had to have been hard for them to imagine . Years in slavery and now drug out and wandering the desert , not really sure where they were heading . Following this old man and his brother who kept trotting up mountains to get " the word " . Now " the word " includes all of these detail descriptions of how they need to give up their best things . I am sure that they all liked their things . Goodness knows that we like our things . Man hasn 't changed that much in that respect . Yet God 's call on us to willingly give up all of the things of this world in order to follow Him ? That hasn 't changed . We don 't have Moses directly bringing us direction but we do have the Word clearly showing us that direction . It all makes me wonder about just how far off the mark we might be , myself included . The following was written by Patrician Dunagan Matsen of Billy Graham Evangelistic Association . This is the second time in the past week or so where I have read about parents who refuse to treat their children as grown - ups and how the healing for that needs to start with the child , not the parent . " Be kind and compassionate to one another , forgiving each other , just as in Christ God forgave you . " ( Ephesians 4 : 32 , NIV ) . As I reached for a second cookie , Daddy spoke to me from across the dining - room table . " Now , Pat , that 's why you 're having a hard time with your weight . " I looked past Daddy 's head and out the basement window to the driveway where my husband and our young daughter were washing the car . With a familiar " nobody " feeling starting to close in around me again , I returned Mama 's delicious chocolate - chip cookie to the platter . Then , seeking an escape , I gathered up the dirty plates and silverware and started into the kitchen . I prayed , " Lord , You know how hard I 've been trying to lose these few extra pounds . I 'm so tired of feeling like a little girl whenever I come home . I 'm almost 30 years old ! " Leaning wearily against the sink , I put my hands into the warm , sudsy water , and remembered . . . Last New Year 's Eve , as I was praying about my yearly , personal - growth goals , the Lord put His finger on a weak area in my life - forgiveness . With the Holy Spirit 's conviction , I prayed , " Lord , I have always felt overwhelmed in dealing with offenses . Whenever I get hurt , I hold those hurts and nurse the grudges . This year , Lord , my goal is to break out of this childish pattern and to learn how to forgive . " Several days after that prayer of commitment , I brought this matter before the Lord again . As I read Ephesians 4 : 32 , " Be . . . tender - hearted , forgiving each other , just as God in Christ also has forgiven you , " ( NASB ) I received some insights into Jesus ' forgiveness . Christ 's crucifiers did not ask for forgiveness . Yet , we read in Luke 23 : 34 that Jesus , without being asked , took the initiative , and while in His pain , He posted at 1 : 30 PM 0 comments I am as " for " freedom of speech as just about anyone , I suspect . But those plastic testicles that for some reason people hang off the back bumpers of their pickup trucks ? They really need to be outlawed . And I will gladly vote for the first politican who has the . . . er , um . . . you - know - whats . . . to step up and agree with me . I have often looked at folks who are managers or executives in huge international companies and wondered . . . " Would I have the skills , knowledge and ability to do what they do ? " I suspect that many owners and managers of small to mid - sized businesses do that . We feel like maybe it is through a fault in our character or a shortcoming in our abilities that we are relegated to the small business world while many friends and colleagues have gone on to big business . At the same time , whenever I have been involved in an organization made up of individuals who come from both sides of that " small or big " business fence , I have noticed that the small business guys tend to be the drivers . They tend to be better at building consensus , coming up with creative strategies , and making things happen . ( Now , that said , I have known some wonderfully talented big business folks , too - - I am just speaking in generalities here . ) I guess that what dawned on me yesterday is that , while big business guys may go a little " deeper " in particular areas , especially with numbers and charts and research , the small business folks are the ones to be applauded for their breadth of knowledge and for their people skills . Often , the big business folks only have to work with people from their own areas of expertise . That can be fairly easy because they probably all have a similar " bent " to them . However , the small business person has to work with folks from all sorts of backgrounds . . . people skills are critical to their success . The small business owner , in the course of a day , will work with finance , marketing , sales , purchasing , and operations - - all before noon . They have to have strong knowledge of all facets of what it takes to successful run a business . Their people skills require them to communicate properly with , among many others , general workers , managers at all levels , salespeople , customers , vendors , bankers , competitors , and attorneys - - and to do all of those with the skill of an experienced statesperson . A part of me still wonders - - would posted at 5 : 50 AM 0 comments The following was written by Os Hillman of Today God is First Ministries . Yesterday , I was talking with a friend and I forget exactly what led us to this point in our conversation but at one point , kinda sorta half - joking , I asked " Do you think it 's easier , then , for a wealthy person to be a Christian and really walk the talk ? " We then discussed that perhaps sometimes God does bless those who He knows will be generous so , in that case , their wealth may just allow them to better live out how they felt all along . Of course , that sort of discussion can also lead naturally to the story of the widow 's mite and also " to whom much is entrusted , much is expected " ( my paraphrase - - sorry ) . . . and the following devotional fits very well with thoe things . ( Speaking of which , have you ever seen " Run 's House " on MTV ? It is a very peculiar reality show about a former member of the rap group Run DMC who , among other things , is now a pastor - - Rev . Run - - with something called Zoe Ministries . The show is about he and his wife raising a family of two daughters and three sons . They are obviously fabulously wealthy . They seem like nice folks trying to teach their kids some good concepts amidst huge wealth . I checked into Zoe Ministries , though , and , unless I am mistaken , I can send them money and in return they will send me a prophecy . Sort of a different take on the Psychic Network , to my way of thinking . I could be way off base though . ) Whoever loves money never has money enough ; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income . . . . - Ecclessiastes 5 : 10Workplace believers are especially susceptible to a trap in their spiritual lives - one to which others may not be so susceptible . That trap is wealth . Scripture tells us that if we are having our basic needs met for food and clothing , we are considered to have riches . Jesus cautioned us against living a lifestyle that required more than our basic necessities . However , it is clear that Jesus was not against wealth , but against a dependence on wealth . Jesus continually taught thposted at 5 : 36 AM 0 comments The following was written by Steve Troxel of God 's Daily Word Ministries . While I cannot argue with anything it says , it does come from a different perspective than , I think , the " natural bent " of many Christians , including myself . In the last two messages , we 've considered Moses ' encounter with God as He spoke through the burning bush . Moses heard the call of God and signaled his availability , " Here I am " ( Exodus 3 : 4 ) . But God had an assignment for Moses that required complete trust , and preparation began by establishing the holiness of the One who was calling ; " Take off your sandals , for the place where you are standing is holy ground " ( Exodus 3 : 5 ) . God 's chosen people had lived in Egyptian slavery for more than four hundred years . Now , God chose Moses to be His messenger and instrument of power ; " I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring My people the Israelites out of Egypt " ( Exodus 3 : 10 ) . On one hand , God 's call is always a great honor . . . on the other , it can be very frightening . Moses gave every possible excuse to convince God He 'd made a wrongchoice : " Who am I to go to Pharaoh ? " ( 3 : 11 ) , " What if they do not believe me ? " ( 4 : 1 ) , " I am slow of speech and tongue " ( 4 : 10 ) . God was patient with Moses , but finally He had enough . Exodus 4 : 11 - 14 " The Lord said to him , ' Who gave man his mouth ? Who makes him deaf or mute ? Who gives him sight or makes him blind ? Is it not I , the Lord ? Now go ; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say . ' But Moses said , ' O Lord , please send someone else to do it . ' Then the Lord 's anger burned against Moses . " Moses would later be described as " more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth " ( Numbers 12 : 2 ) . But as he stood before God and received his initial assignment for battle , his " humility " was nothing more than a self absorbed lack of faith . Moses looked at his own abilities and didn 't see how success was possible . He failed to see the Creator of the Universe who promised to walk by His side . Our Christian walk is ALL about God working through us . Of course our abilities will seposted at 5 : 30 AM 0 comments My parents bought me my first electric razor for high school graduation I believe . Prior to that , I really didn 't need to shave very often . After that , I really didn 't need to shave very often either . As I read in a fortune cookie once , " The gift of a razor does not a shaving man make . " Of course , in college , I thought it was sort of cool to be a bit " shadowy " . I remember not shaving once for a week or so and then going to an off - campus party a friend was throwing , but shaving just one side of my face right before the party . No one noticed . Or they were too polite to say anything . I had brought my razor with me . . . I quietly slipped into the bathroom at one point and shaved the other side of my face . I remember my freshman year discovering that my roommate had used my razor to shave his legs . Something about the hair getting caught in his socks when he played basketball . It was a little bit disturbing for me that he did this and probably , at least in part , led to him just moving out of our room one day and moving in with a friend of his whose roommate had dropped out of school . I used that razor for several years until it quit holding a charge when I bought a new electric razor . I have thought about using a " real " razor and shaving cream but , whenever I try , I end up cutting myself . I don 't like the sight of blood . Especially my own . Recently , I was faced with a dilemma . My razor needed new blades . I knew this because , for the past couple of years , shaving has inflicted great pain upon me . I don 't like pain . Especially my own . New blades cost about $ 30 . . . or , I could get a new razor . I looked at the new ones . They ranged in price from about $ 20 to almost $ 200 . The really expensive ones can be used in the shower , with shaving cream , etc . Apparently for those folks who like using shaving cream but don 't like the sight of blood . Especially their own . It seemed silly to me to want to mess around with shaving cream with an electric razor . And , even if it is battery operated , using something electric in the shower just soposted at 8 : 25 AM 0 comments My first thought when reading Exodus 24 is that the Israelites had to have been a very faith - filled people to have listened to and followed Moses through all of this . I mean , Moses ' behavior and instructions had to have been considered at least a wee bit " unusual " to at least some of the thousands who were following him . It seems like it would have not taken much momentum for mutiny to have occurred . But God goes before . He paves a way . He showed Himself to an adequate number of the Israelites to provie that this really was true . It really was happening and wasn 't just the wild imagination and ranting of an old guy and his brother . Today , we 'd be sending Moses someplace for " testing " I am sure . But then I got to thinking . Is faith not faith regardless of the exact circumstances ? Is the faith we 're called to live out today really any different than what the Israelites were called to ? I am sure it 's not . Yes , the Israelites were a people of great faith but it 's no different than what is expected of us today . God 's unending and relentless love for us , as well as His faithfulness to us , is revealed to those who seek Him . It 's no different today than it was with Moses and His followers . We 're still called to be foreigners in a strange land . . . to march to the beat of a different drummer . . . to be in this world but not of this world . . . to stand up for and be willing to die for what we know to be The Truth . The circumstances may be different but our response should be the same as those following Moses . A lot of Saturday mornings , I will go into the office for a few hours . The phone is quiet and usually there are no more than one or two other people around . In fact , the entire street my office is on usually has no more than a handful of people around . This morning , I was the only person in the office so it was a good time to catch up on things and to have a little bit of time for thinking I guess I will say . Mid - morning , I walked out the back office door in order to get in my car and drive downtown to the post office . As I was getting in my car , someone called to me . Apparently they had been at the front door of the office , unable to get in of course . He approached me and asked me if I knew of a place where he could go in order to " get back on his feet , " or something to that effect . He seemed calm and mild - mannered . I asked him where he was from . He told me that he was from a town just a few minutes away . But he explained that he was hitting the road , determined to just wander around and find himself . I mentioned a place in town that I know of which is a joint ministry of several churches . He had never heard of it and , of course , didn 't really have a way to get there . He was on foot and it is a very difficult place to give directions to . I then suggested the Salvation Army . He explained that he had been there the previous day . Apparently they had put him up for the night at one of the local " hotels " near my office . He told me that they told him they couldn 't help him beyond that . At this point , I didn 't know what to do . He seemed like a good guy , even though maybe his thought processes were a little off . ( We were perhaps a pretty good match in that respect . ) I offered to drive him to the church ministry I knew of but I warned him that I wasn 't sure if they 'd be open . On the way there , I learned that his name is James and he 's 29 years old . He was born about 30 miles away from here and really doesn 't have much in the way of family that he associates with . He was carrying a couple of backpacks with him and he had a loposted at 3 : 15 PM 0 comments An ordinary guy . A wife I love very much . A great son . Wonderful friends . A metal roofing business and a sales training business . A loving church family . A few trade associations . A Christian school . And a four - pound poodle . Just trying to follow God and see where He leads .

I found this ad on Craigslist this morning : " Free or will take donation for feed . . . Presley is a jet black qrt horse gelding . He was give to me a few weeks ago and he rides great , but every now and then his hip gives him problems . I was told he is only 1 1 / 2 yrs old . Gentle ! " Why the heck would you be riding a 1 - 1 / 2 year old horse in the first place ? ! " His hip gives him problems . " I 'm surprised that 's the only thing giving him problems being ridden so damn young . L to R : Great - grandmother 's diamond from her engagement ring , great - great grandmother 's diamond from her engagement ring , and grandmother 's ( " Nan " ) diamond from her engagement ring . The band Andrew picked out and had the diamonds mounted on . That 's right . . . 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 4 generations . Apparently he and my mom have been conversing back and forth regarding the diamonds and the ring as well as the engagement date . Over Thanksgiving when my parents were up visitng , Andrew and my dad had " the talk . " So it was Christmas Eve . . . I was feeling rough . We had finished dinner , and we all went back out into the living room . Andrew looked at me and said , " I have an early Christmas present for you . " I asked , " you do ? " and he pulls out a gift - wrapped box with a bow . When I opened it and saw what it was , he asked , " will you marry me ? " Of course I said yes : ) August 27th , 2011 . . . in case you 're wondering . And the bad . . . Seems to be a growing trend . . . . http : / / www1 . whdh . com / news / articles / local / BO132202 / " Son 's Incessant Gaming Leads Mom to Call 9 - 1 - 1 " BOSTON - - An overwhelmed Roxbury mother dialed 9 - 1 - 1 early Saturday morning because her son would not stop playing video games . The single mother , 49 - year - old Angela Mejia , awoke around 2 : 30 a . m . Saturday to find the light on in her son 's bedroom . The 14 - year - old boy was playing Grand Theft Auto hours after his mother told him to go to sleep . Mejia then unplugged her son 's PlayStation and dialed 9 - 1 - 1 . Police managed to convince Mejia 's son to stop playing the game and go to sleep . Parents around town had plenty to say about Meija 's decision . " She wanted discipline and she wasn 't getting it . That 's what she needed in the house . Order . . . she wasn 't getting it . So she called the police . I agree with her , " said Harvey Nicholson , a local parent . Other parents disagree with her decision . " I think it was extreme , calling the cops , I wouldn 't have done it . That 's what teenagers do , " said Sophia Lamb , a parent . The game is rated " M " for mature . Meija said her son received the game as a gift from a friend . Meija said the police were able to get through to her son . He has apologized and assured her that he will never do this again . * * Is it really that hard to unplug the video game console , and remove it from the room ? Sunday , December 7 , 2003The Habit of Pointing Fingers . " People are in the habit of pointing their fingers at others . They don 't point at themselves " ~ Ven . Varapanno ( Vietnamese Monk ; Myanamar , Oct . ' 03 ) Instead of looking at one 's own faults and discrepencies , we try to place the blame on everyone else . " I have no time because of others , " and " I have no one to love because no one wants me " are just some of these blames . If we , instead , look at ourselves and look within ourselves , we will find all of the answers for the questions we pose . Before we can understand everything around us , we must understand ourselves : we have to understand what makes us who we are , and not what everyone makes us out to be . When you have accomplished this , then , and only then will you be able to be happy with yourself , your life , and with the consequences around you from choices that you have made . Conformity is a word passed around by the eloquent and those persons that think they are ' individuals , ' but is it all a front ? Only they will be able to tell that , and they will have to face themselves . I would much rather face external conflicts than internal consequences any time of the day . External conflicts are easier to remedy ; internal conflicts are easier to prevent . Monday , December 8 , 2003Courage of the Fallen . " Courage is not defined by those who fought and did not fall , but by those who fought , fell , and rose again " Nothing comes without a fight ; it does not matter how small or large the triumph may be . There will always be sacrifices made in order to succeed in life . A walk across the street , a single breath , a battle won in a war - these are all things that required some fight to them . To claim that we , as human beings , are docile by nature is a blatant lie against humanity , and one that I will not support . We , as humans , are a warring species . We have the needs of survival - food , heat , shelter - and we will stop at nothing to get what we need . There are other examples of this in nature , and it correlates with anthropomorphism . Anthropomorphism is the attribution of human motivation , characteristics , or behavior to inanimate objects , animals , or natural phenomena . African Lion - Panthera leo - FEMALE : The mother is very protective over her cubs ; the female do most of the pride - hunting . The females will also gang up on the males that come near their pride and cubs . Wolverine - Gulo gulo : After they give birth , the mother defends her territory , and intruders are not tolerated . This territorial behavior continues until the young are old enough to hunt , and even then , wolverines keep their territorial instincts . So as you can see , it is not just the human species that are natural fighters . Or is it that the human species are more animalistic in nature than animals being more human ? Thursday , March 6 , 2008How is online dating different than actual dating ? To me , there are groups of people who pursue online dating , but really , it comes down to four categories : 1 ) Busy People : These are people who are looking for a relationship , but are too busy / have no want to go out and find someone in trademark places such as bars , etc . Sometimes too shy , but mainly knowing that the person they 're looking for , they won 't find in those trademark places . Overall psychological analysis : NORMAL2 ) Antisocial People : These are people that , after meeting in person for the first time , you know exactly why they choose online dating as their dating venue of choice . More than likely , these people are 100 % dishonest in how they portray themselves online / on the phone . They often don 't know how to act in public and react more dramatically than others in certain situations . Overall psychological analysis : ANTISOCIAL potentially SOCIOPATH3 ) Booty People : These are people whose sole purpose it is online is to obtain as many booty calls that they can possibly obtain . Often portraying themselves as normal and looking for the " one " they know the super - saturated syrupy phrases to make certain women go " ga ga " just long enough to woo them into bed . Overall psychological analysis : SOCIOPATH / NYMPHOMANIAC4 ) Scammers : Pretty self - explanatory . Either want money or need a green card . Commonly from obscure foreign countries . Overall psychological analysis : GULLIBLE Thursday , March 6 , 2008Online Dating : Truckers Scamming . When I saw this on an online dating forum , I had to reply : All ladies in and around Atlanta and along I - 20 need to be aware that there is a truck driver that has a permanent route from Columbia , SC to Atalnta , GA that is scamming women . His name is MWH . He is 6 " 5 " and around 285pounds dark hair and moustache . He preys on women in convience stores and small truck stops . He will buy you flowers , clothes , and even a ring ( which will be a fake ) promising to marry you . He will ask you to ride with him and even ask you to marry him . Then he will borrow money and ask for you to let him move your belongings to his place after he has you quit your job . He will never take you to his place , always makes an excuse . Will promise to spend weekends with you but never does . You will only have a cell phone to reach him by which after he gets all your money and belongings he changes the number and disappears . The company he drives for will not help you in any way . Neither will the police because you gave it to him voluntaryly . How do I know this ? I was one of his victims . Let us analyze this whole post . First of all , this is an online dating site . He preys on women in convenience stores and in truck stops . How more materialistic can a person be to be so easily wooed with tangible items ? Why on Earth would you loan someone money , quit your job , and think you will live happily ever after . Based on the remainder of this woman 's post , all of this transpired in a relatively short period of time . Here are some tips : * If a guy is interested in you that you meet somewhere out in public , exchange phone numbers . Take the time to get to know one another / plan on having a " real " date ( preferably in a public place ) . * If a guy starts buying / giving you tangible items and turns around asking to borrow money , that should be your first red flag . A man / woman shouldn 't have to buy another 's affection . Materialism in the nth degree . * Have more than one date with this person to get to know them . Posted by Friday , March 7 , 2008Stalking 101 : Online Dating . Never before have I witnessed such stalking as that I see on online dating sites . I 'm not badmouthing online dating sites . It just seems like there is a lot more virtual stalking going on than meets the eye . Stalking 101How to tell if you 're a stalker / being stalked : 1 ) Someone sends you a message . You read it at 1 : 00pm . You step away from your computer . By 1 : 10pm , you have another message asking " what 's wrong ? " or " what 's up ? " or " Why haven 't you replied ? " ( Because they can see when you 're online and where you ARE online through this site ) 2 ) The person is a member of other dating sites / online web communities and details their victims every move on another website of which the victim is not a member : " Today Josh went to school , and when he was there , he talked to this girl . How dare he ! " 3 ) The stalker tells you everything that you 've done since you logged onto the site ( i . e . " I saw that you logged on at noon , and I sent you a message that you read , but as of 2 p . m . I hadn 't heard from you so I thought I 'd send you another message . I saw that you haven 't read that one yet , so what 's up ? Is there something wrong ? " ) I often read a lot of blogs or rants , if you will , from people getting annoyed when someone from this site ( or another ) talks to someone else . They don 't know what the conversation may be . I know I have met clients on this site by accident . Let me rephrase that , g - rated clients who purchase products in my company 's industry . . . on this site . So how do you know that person of whom you are interested isn 't merely saying " hi " ? AND , if you and another person are " a couple " ( even if you are 1000 + miles apart ) , why are you both on this site . . . . and why are you ranting that he / she is talking to someone of the opposite sex when you are doing the same thing ? Stalkers , Psychos , and Hypocrites ! Oh My ! the sociopath 's version of Wizard of Oz . Friday , March 7 , 2008I Turned Him Gay ! Okay let me start off with , no I 'm not that naive , but I hear that phrase so often , and this short brief synopsis ought to make you chuckle . I am friends with everybody - don 't care what your orientations for anything are . There was nothing on t . v . last night so I stumbled across Mtv 's " True Life . " It happened to be " My job in the sex industry affects others . " Whatever . There was a farmer who had a dog , and DRAMA was his name - oh . Moving along . There was a part about male strippers ( in the " gay industry " - didn 't know your sexual preference was an industry ) , and I 'm looking at this guy who is friends with the main true - lifer , and he looks familiar . I call up a friend of mine , and tell her to turn on the television . She starts watching , and then stops mid - sentence with , " Wait . . . that guy . . . . on the chair . He looks familiar . WAIT A MINUTE . . . . OH MY GOD . . . . that 's not ? is it ? but . . . " Sure enough stripper Wayne or whatever his name was . . . . was a guy I had briefly dated my freshman year of college . . . . here in Georgia . . . . about 9 years ago . When he and I first started dating , he said his interests were the outdoors , cars , four wheeling , stripping . Okay - whatever - all college guys claim " stripping " or what have you as a " hobby . " This guy proceeded to tell me where he stripped , and he didn 't care because his school , car , and house were paid for . I had wondered what happened to him . . . . now we know Friday , March 21 , 2008Overuse of Metaphors . Ugh . It irks me when , instead of writing directly what you think / say , someone has to write this huge metaphor for life or love or death and sappingly drape it with $ 5 words without actually making a point . I read an acquaintance 's blog . An acquaintance who attempts to hook up with whomever will give him the time of day , but yet , wait , what is this ? You have been dating someone all along . Maybe I 'm confused . I venture over to another website where he is a member , and I read " Relationship Status : It 's Complicated . " The only time THAT phrase should be used is if you 're separated and pending some nasty divorce or custody battle . " It 's Complicated " is a cop - out answer . You either ARE in a relationship , or you AREN ' T in a relationship . I thought that was pretty easy ? Instead I roll my eyes and swallow down a little vomit as I read a diatribe about how " love " is a double - edged sword - one side good , one side evil . ( But wait - he said " double sided , " does he mean ' tape ' ? ) It ends with he has shaken off a vain gold - digger after two weeks but finds himself a little vain , too . Oh my dear Lord . * insert eye roll here * Two weeks ? Love ? Vanity and materialism ? Yah - that 's what I want to base my relationships off of . I alert my friend that Vanity , Materialism , Arrogance and conceit only " sharpen " the malignant edge ( since we 're now apparently talking strictly in metaphor ) thus dulling the benign edge . D - R - A - M - A only belongs on a stage , people . Tuesday , April 8 , 2008Dating version sucky - point - oh . It seemed like it would be a normal date though I could tell that one of us was incredibly awkward , and the other incredibly confident in themselves . Guess who was the confident one ? I pull up to the house for what was to be dinner . Standing at the front door , I hear Red Hot Chili Peppers playing - still a good sign . Let me give you a quick rundown on the representation from his online profile of this person : 5 ' 4 " tallSense of humorSarcasticIntelligentLikes movies / Collects … " things . " I ring the doorbell - nothing . I knock on the door - and it opens . What I 'm confronted with is a giggling man , about 5 ' 1 " ( that 's pushing it ) , who is acting like the world 's biggest Dragon - Con fan … . one of the over - the - top fans who can probably name every single character or whatever at Dragon - Con … . and gets " excited " doing so . He just stands there giggling so I make a smart comment about the music choice and step inside . He continues to giggle . I am confronted with a house that has Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh hung on the walls . Oh frickin ' fantabulous . It gets to the point where communication pretty much stops , and I ask , " are you going to show me the room ? " I am responded to with some giggles and awkwardness and " um um well would you mind taking off your shoes [ flip flops ] ? " followed by giggles . Ah yes , the room . I was told , " If the room doesn 't send you screaming , nothing I ever do will . " We walk upstairs , me following a giggling hobbit , and the door opens to what I am sure was a nice spare room at one time . Now , there were action figures everywhere - covering every inch of floor and wall space - scattered . They weren 't just action figures from one particular maker or series or whatever . There were action figures from almost everything - most of which … I didn 't recognize . " Wow " was all I could say . Now , here 's the part that really irked me . No eye contact . When I talk to someone , I look at them . Everytime I talked to him , I was looking at him . It didn 't matter thaPosted by Tuesday , April 8 , 2008Deception . In 1999 , I was a freshman in college . I remembered sitting in the computer lab rapidly tapping the keys to get a 4 - page paper typed and printed within 30 minutes before class . Someone had IM ' ed me - his name was Chris . He seemed like a nice guy , we chatted . For the next couple of years , we " dated . " I knew everything about him : he was a Christian radio DJ at night , and he was a minister at a church about an hour away as well . He loved helping people and giving advice . We lost touch around Summer of 2000 when I went away for summer break , wherein I met dumbass - to - be and was married March 2002 . By Fall 2002 ( when the dumbass and I were divorced because I found him not only cheating on me , but had raped a girl as well ) , Chris was there for me , and later that year was talking about marriage in general and how one day he hopes to find " the one " to settle down with and start a family . I thought , " this guy is a great , solid , caring guy . " Later on in the year , he sent me photos from his high school class reunion ( 10 year reunion ) . He had a picture with he and a girl 's faced pressed up against each other . He had told me it was one of his best friends from high school - how sweet . He told me he wished I could have come with him , but I had plans that weekend . I went to his house several times - nice little house - nothing out of the ordinary . Very basic decorating , but definitely professionally done . In 2005 , he came and rode horses with a friend and I . It was good to have a relationship in which things were taken slow . He told me he thought I could be the one . In 2005 , I moved away to help with family medical issues . During that time , we sort of fizzled out , and our relationship came to an end . In 2006 , I found him on MySpace , and when I saw his profile , he was married with three children . I messaged him and congratulated him on the news . How nice it was that he did find someone and accepted her with kids as well ! My response was , " what news ? " and I told him , " on you getting married ! " " I have beePosted by Wednesday , April 9 , 2008Eggs Rock My World . I had been talking with a guy for awhile , and we decided it was time to meet . He seemed like a pretty normal guy so I was pleased . Whether or not our conversations would be at the same level was a different story . Enter he and I into a coffee shop . We take seats at a bistro table in the corner and begin chatting . I was beginning to get aggravated when I 'd make a very blunt , to the point , statement , and was questioned with " tell me more , " or " why ? " There was no " tell me more , " and there was no " why . " It was just a statement . I was then called " modest " because I wouldn 't elaborate . It was beginning to get frustrating , and my patience was wearing thin . Our conversation moved onto sex , in general . He had said he was both passive and aggressive , but it " depended . " Me : " Depends on what ? " Him : " Whether a woman is ovulating or not . " Me : coffee went into my nasal cavityHim : " I have a very keen sense of smell . " Me : " excuse me ? " Him : " When a woman is ovulating it really turns me on . " Now I know why there are so many unplanned pregnancies . Monday April 14 , 2008Two deaths , and the things I 've learned . Back in October , my maternal grandfather ( my " Pop " ) , passed away expectedly . I say expectedly as for the past decade or so he had been battling heart disease , among other things , and the current two years , he had battled stage 2 lung cancer that spread into his brain and other regions . He was on hospice care for two years . He was only supposed to live about six months after his diagnosis . But my Pop being an old Navy man fought it out to the end . It didn 't matter that he grew more and more senile with visions of things that weren 't there or talking to the nurses and calling them by the name of someone in his past . His health was rapidly declining . Prior to him passing away , my grandmother went into him and said goodbye . When he passed away , thoughts of everything he had ever taught me and memories we ever had flooded through me , and almost immediately I was distraught . When you tell someone " my Pop died , " and they ask , " were you close ? " you feel like snapping back at them , but I guess that 's just how some people were . My Pop took me on my first horseback ride when I was six . I rode a horse named " Idol , " a white Arabian or Arabian cross , and while I was being lead on a lead rope in front of another rider on a horse , I thought I was top dog . My Pop taught me about pipe tobacco , Florida , oranges , the beach , and art . One thing he did leave with me was his talent for art , and for that , I am grateful . We cremated him and buried his ashes in January of this year . My maternal grandmother ( my " Nan " ) had also been ill . 20 years of living and fighting through her Parkinson 's disease , she slowly started becoming a shell rather than the Nan I knew . In 2005 , she was diagnosed with many other ailments from esophageal cancer and other diseases . She went from a normal person to an old woman overnight . She had lost most of her teeth due to age and her inability to be able to sit in a dentist chair while they worked on her . It didn 't help that she hated the dentist . Her diet Posted by * * I found these on an old [ forgotten ] blog I had , and so I 'll post them here . * * Many of you know the story about the married man posing as single . . . though had a daughter , oh . . . and a girlfriend ? Here you go : Tuesday , April 15 , 2008I am not an inanimate object to be used . I was contacted by a man that seemed great . His profile title was " Searching for my Soulmate . " Okay , his headline title was cheesy , but whatever . ( Your headline / title is what you use as the title of your personal 's ad to grab others ' attention ) . We talked , and we eventually decided to meet for dinner . He came to the house , and he picked me up . He brought flowers , which was a first for me , and he even met a housemate and her mother who was visiting . They said they had " good vibes " about him . We went and had dinner at a quaint little Italian place , and we had good conversation . I could tell he was a little nervous . First date jitters I guess . We drove around looking for a Starbucks to have some coffee , but they were all packed so we ended up coming back to my house , and casually watching some t . v . Around 10pm , it was time for him to leave . We said our goodbyes , I gave him a hug , and that was that . I hadn 't talked to him for a few weeks due to his work schedule , and we made plans to have coffee . We met for coffee , and we talked some more . He was still a little nervous , so I chalked it up to his personality . " I don 't think this is going to work " was what I was thinking . We ended our coffee , and we went our separate ways . He left to go out of town for work . Out of the blue about a week later , I receive a text on my phone , " I 'm a horrible person . Please forgive me . " I told him he had neither done nor said nothing to me so what was I forgiving him for ? I knew it was bad when he asked if I could chat with him so I logged onto one of my plethora of messengers . Here is how the conversation transpired : Him : I 'm a horrible person . I 've lied to you . I 'm not who you think I am . Me ( my thoughts will be done in parentheses - I only know yPosted by * * This is some pretty powerful food for thought and is a 100 % true story posted by an online acquaintance of mine from Nevada : * * Every year Mike and I put together 100 gift bags for the homeless that consist of socks , hats , gloves and other goodies and pass them out the weekend after thanksgiving . This is a tradition my mom and I started years ago before I married . Then after Mike and I started doing K9 Therapy visits , we added the residents of the nursing home on our gift bag list , just with different goodies . This year has caught us off guard . We have been so busy and overwhelmed with so much going on , that I haven 't had much time to prepare for the holidays . I am so far behind . Some of you may remember a post I made quite a while back about a homeless lady I met while trapping feral cats downtown . Her name was Ruth , and when she had seen my friend and I getting the traps out and baiting them , she was pretty upset with us , thinking we were going to hurt the cats . After explaining to her what we were doing , and enlisted her help , she had calmed down , and at that moment , her life had changed , for the better . That could have been the end of any contact with Ruth , but because I just had to come on here and share that story , many people on this board suggested I do something for her , a gift bag , perhaps , as a thank you . As some of you may remember , I took your suggestions one step further . My friend happened to have a casita in the back of her property , and we moved Ruth in there , for free room and board , and in return , she would help care for the ferals , on my friends property . I have learned so much about Ruth , a wonderful beautiful lady , with a heart of gold , but as human as she is , she had made mistakes , which in turn , she had lost her husband , her daughter , and her home , she had become homeless , until that night we met . Ruth moved into hospice 3 weeks ago . As I was visiting with her last night , just sitting , holding hands , with barely a whisper , she had told me she had a gift waiting for me at her place , but I neePosted by This Saturday , Andrew and I opted for the A . M . Movie Special ( $ 6 pp instead of $ 10 . 50 pp ) to see Boondock Saints II : All Saint 's Day . What can I say ? Let 's break it down . . . 1st : our movie - going experience was plagued by just - turned - 20 - hormonal - crazed boys saying " MILF ! " proceeded by Butthead huh - huh - huh - huh everytime the main female character was on the screen . 2nd : The brothers . . . . as funny as ever . . . . addition of " their Mexican " - even better . " Whoop Ass Fajitas ! " 3rd : We learn the background story on Il Duce ( the brothers ' father ) and what caused him to be a killing machine ( also where he got his leather vest from , why he was in prison , etc . ) 4th : Judd Nelson plays a paranoid mob boss ( new Yakavetta family head . ) 5th : There is definitely more humor in this movie than before , but some of the old jokes are brought forward as well - think . . . . " rope . " 6th : The detectives all seem a little more dumb / juvenile than the first one . 7th : There 's an addition of a new FBI agent that takes over for Smecker 's replacement . It 's not stated WHY he took over , and he doesn 't play a large part at all in the movie . 8th : It 's been left open for a third installment in the Boondock Saints legacy . All in all , if you liked Boondock Saints , you 'll definitely have no qualms with the sequel . Yesterday , Andrew and I went up to his parents ' house to visit . While we were up there , we decided to take a walk so Andrew could show me his parents ' property line all the way up to a pulpwood field . On our way up , we passed a tiny cedar tree that I said would make a perfect Christmas tree for us . On our way back , Andrew took our his pocketknife and sawed the small sapling down . I delightfully carried it down as if it was my staff leading a parade . When his dad came out and saw it , he said , " that ain 't no Christmas tree ! " We began [ another ] hunt . I told Andrew the mini tree would be for my office . We found another tree ( about 4 feet tall ) , and we cut that down and put it in the back of my car . We stopped by a store on the way home , bought blue Christmas lights and some blue and silver ornaments . Andrew ended up gashing his knuckle fixing the tree , and we had no stand for it . We improvised . Using a 3 - gallon bucket , we placed the tree in it , surrounded it with rock and then kitty litter ( it 's all we had at 8pm ! ) Ta da ! Our tree . We stabbed ourselves with the sharp needles on the cedar hanging lights , and we made a white paper chain out of white wrapping paper to use as a garland . Voila ! Our " EMT tree " was complete ! Ah . . . . memories . It may not look like much to some , but to us - it 's awesome ! Posted by

That fart infused gas bag ego known as Donald Trump is going to sustain a serious puncture once the primaries begin . There just aren 't enough racist , bigot Republican voters to carry his political career any further . Be prepared for the stink because it is going to be bad , all of that shit he 's been storing in his colon is going to explode . Kim Davis will leaver her state job and hit the road , you see her pimp , Mat Staver , has by this time convinced her she can make more money her preaching to foolish Christians than she can issuing nameless marriage licenses . But , then isn 't that what pimps do ? And she 's happy as a pig in shit because all she cares about is living forever with Jesus , of course she doesn 't really know she 's going to be living with him , but her pimp tells her this is true and that 's all she cares about . This past week training loaded all associates are supposed to take regarding ' active shooters in the building , ' or as I call it " Run , run , he 's got a gun . " This is a sad statement for our times that corporations should feel it necessary their associates understand they might actually have to deal with this type of situation . What I found interesting was that the whole thing , lasting only 2 . 5 minutes , was all about concealment , about either getting out of the building or finding a safe place to hide , and what to do when law enforcement arrived - leave the building with your hands in the air and fingers spread wide open . There was not one mention of what you should do in this type of situation if you happened to be one of those individuals who are licensed to carry a concealed weapon , most likely , I suspect , because by the time you got your weapon out of your coat pocket , took off the safety , and started aiming at a moving target you would probably have already been shot . You see active shooters don 't usually carry single fire weapons , they carry assault weapons that fire a lot of bullets in a few seconds ; they don 't really need to aim , they just point and pull the trigger . Interestingly enough , with all the shootings we 've had , I 've never heard one word from one survivor lamenting the fact that if he / she had had their gun with them they 'd have been able to save lives . No doubt because in intense moments like shootings , panic sets in and your basic instinct is to save your ass . That 's why this training session had nothing to do with putting a bead on the shooter 's head and everything to do with running away or finding a safe hiding place . This concept is quite alien to a number of gun fanciers simply because they just don 't understand how severely limited they are . Posted by Home of Governor Bevan , Kim Davis , and mall riots . I had to laugh when Davis , who has evidently decided to give comedy a try , said she was surprised that God had chosen her . When it comes to horse 's asses , this idiot is in a close race with Donald Trump . Firstly , she wasn 't chosen by God , she was chosen by her pimp , Mat Staver . Secondly , she is so selfishly focused on her own biased beliefs she is totally clueless as to the terrible changes her new bestie , Governor Bevin , is forcing onto the people of Kentucky , like the minimum wage . She doesn 't care if his beliefs are this : Does Kim Davis care if her newly elected governor doesn 't believe in a minimum wage ? Or that he would like Kentucky to be like Mississippi , the poorest state in the United States , and have no minimum wage ? Of course not , because she doesn 't think about people at all . She thinks about herself , and how wonderful it is to have been chosen by God . The truth is that Kim Davis is a member of the ' Me Generation , ' and by being so , has personalized her religious beliefs to such an extent that they revolve completely around her own wants and desires . The fact that people in Kentucky will end up being poorer is not even an issue for her . As a result she 's not a very good Christian because she doesn 't care . . . not about them , only about herself , and the beliefs she has cherry picked . No matter how bad things get , as long as she gets her way , her world is a good place . Anyway , I thought I 'd write about children in politics since Ted Cruz made some tiny headlines complaining about a cartoon drawn by a cartoonist who publishes with the conservative Washington Post . His two daughters were depicted as trained monkeys and , of course , he started shrieking about the liberal media since that 's red meat to conservative Republicans . First of all , the cartoonist got it wrong , they 're not trained monkeys , they 're more like little animatronic robots silently waving at the the crowd . Secondly , Cruz immediately prostituted the image by asking for $ 1 million dollars to fight the " liberal Media , " but then that 's how he works . Thirdly , while many , many politicians parade their kids on stage , I can 't remember a single one of them capable of doing tricks . You would have thought that when Palin pushed all of her brood out they might have been able to do at least one barrel roll . Nope , they all just stood there and waved . Even Chelsea Clinton stood there and waved . And , of course , I 've never been to a Cruz rally so maybe his little girls do tricks to please the crowd , maybe a somersault or two , but I doubt it . That was when I realized what Conservative Preppie Porn was , all T - shirts and flannel . But even they didn 't do tricks , all they did was stand there looking like they were waiting for ' Vogue ' to start playing , and , unfortunately for Mitt , it never did . I can 't even imagine what kind of crowd pleaser that would have been . Posted by In just two days the 2015 Christmas season will be over , well , almost over . Sure , on the 26th people will be returning the gifts that don 't fit , or that they just don 't like , and , of course , they 'll be out spending their Gift Cards since that 's what Gift Cards are for . Over all , I 'd have to say this wasn 't a bad Christmas , at least in the retail market I work in , home improvement . And it started with Black Friday . This year we did not open early . Face it , no one rushes out on Black Friday to buy a refrigerator , or a stove , or to have a deck designed . . it just doesn 't happen so there really was no reason to open our doors hours early . This year , they didn 't relentlessly play Christmas music , only on weekends when the aisles were full of customers which was nice for associates who 've listened to the same music year after year after year . This doesn 't mean we still don 't get bad customers , however , though I can say this year we had very few come to the paint desk . Well , there was this one woman who had bought a faucet at our store on the East Shore and returned it to our store ten minutes before we closed , and , of course , she didn 't have her receipt , and to our chagrin , the credit card she 'd used to pay for the faucet was inexplicably not letting us pull up her purchase information , which meant we needed to give her store credit for $ 86 . I got to deal with her when she decided to purchase some caulk and just couldn 't find the specific caulk she needed . She took 2 tubes and I went back to stow my apron since the store was now closed . And , of course , when I left the building she was at the register complaining loudly because she was trying to use her credit card to pay for her purchase , you know , the one that was inexplicably not working , instead of the store credit she received . HHHmmmm Where as Captain Edward John Smith tried to avoid sailing the RMS Titanic into an iceberg , Donald Trump seems to be aiming directly towards as many as he can , playing tag with them in the freezing water of politics . Because the GOP has spent decades fermenting this hatred of anything and anyone who doesn 't bow down to them , they seem to have ceded the Captainship of their party to this lunatic , and he is steering them towards icebergs . This was apparent yesterday when that horse 's ass made personal , derogatory comments about Hilary Clinton . And , while his Trumplodites are cheering themselves into a frenzy , a majority of American women are asking " what the hell is up with this asshole ? " In fact , more and more , he seems to be making the American voters cringe . . . except for his Trumplodites , because the Republican party has groomed them for this embarrassing political behavior . Actually , embarrassment is what half of registered American voters feel about Donald Trump . That 's not the way you win elections , it 's the way you lose by a landslide . This is how you sink a political party . The fact that the Republican base , many of whom are Trumplodites , is out of control is their own fault . Instead of offering positive politics , and positive solutions , all they 've done is foster hate : Benghazi , Benghazi , Benghazi . . . They failed to realize that at this point in time no one really gives a shit . They thought they were heading into warmer waters and all they were really doing was heading straight into an iceberg field . And Donald Trump now seems to be at the wheel , and while the lookouts are shouting warnings his ego is smiling as he orders " full speed ahead . " I 'm sure a number of your have seen this article noting that about one third of registered Republicans would love to bomb Agrabah , the fictional city in Aladdin . If you read it you 'll see that around 51 % are undecided , you know ? Should we bomb it or shouldn 't we ? No one should really be surprised about this since socially conservative Republicans hate Disney . Their films are too diverse . Can you believe it ? Big Hero Six had an Asian / American lead ! With a co - star who was a big , marshmallow thing ! One of the most vocal socially conservative , Republican groups is One Million Moms , who 's numbers don 't really number one million , and who aren 't all really moms . A lot of them are just haters , which is why in 2010 they were designated a " hate group . " And , believe it or not , this small group of haters has apparently declared war on Disney . To say that they are crazier then a box of Cracker Jacks is an understatement . They hate everything Disney . And , the Republican party kowtows to hate groups like this since they believe these minority voters are their future . Right . With this mentality I 'm sure very few Republican parents took their children to see Aladdin , since the real star was a big , blue genie voiced by that liberal Robin Williams . It 's been a hectic past month and a half . We moved my 82 year old mother into a Senior Living Facility after she developed some health issues ( she hates it ) and we 're selling her home ( closing is 1 / 18 / 16 ) . Anyway , I needed to post some observations . Secondly : There is the Smelly Shkreli story . For those who don 't know , he got busted this past week , and the judge was wise enough to take away his passport . . . hhmm . Wouldn 't you think a Social Psychopath like Marty Shkreli my have a phony second passport , maybe even a third . My suspicion is that in the next few weeks he will . . . disappear . Isn 't that what scumbags like him do ? Then there 's the Barbara Walters Top 10 list . . . who gives a shit ? She should have retired on her laurels years ago rather then failing so obviously to remain relevant . And then we 're back to the passport thing , though not with Smelly Shkreli , this time we 're dealing with Ethan Couch . You do remember him , don 't you ? The 16 year old drunkard who killed 4 when he lost control of the vehicle he was driving ? Anyway , Judge Boyd , ( now retired ) sentenced this losing sack of shit 10 years probation . Why , because his dysfunctional parents failed to raise a human being most because they 're just bottom feeding breeders . Anyway , Texas authorities now believe that Ethan and his sow of a mother have split the country . That 's right , they are on the lam . Not yet International Fugitives , but I suspect that 's the target their aiming for . Now I 'll be honest , way back when Judge Jean Boyd demonstrated utter incompetence in sentencing Ethan Couch to 10 years of probation I said to myself , " hey , that piece of shit is going to split , " and . . . surprise ! Anyway , I suppose Judge Jean Boyd is not sleeping easier because now , at least , she knows he 's no longer driving drunk in Texas . While Trump continues to revel in his negativity for all who aren 't his supporters , most of whom are older , less educated , and financially less secure ( if you don 't believe me Google it ) , the rest of us have done a big jump - back as we try to fathom how the GOP could be manhandled in such a way by this neo - fascist . It all goes back to Ronald Reagan 's landslide re - election . Having survived an assassination attempt , Reagan saw his approval rating sky rocket to the high 90 's , peaking out at 97 % and confused Republicans thought this meant the country , far and wide , had suddenly gone conservative . It didn 't . People just liked the old fart . He was very grandfatherly . His second term in office was a mess . This is why he 's considered an average president . George H . Bush 's presidency was marred terribly by a vomiting session at a Japanese state dinner and by the fact that , following the map set out by Reaganomics , the economy started drying up . And the GOP began to hate everybody who didn 't agree with them . When Clinton won with the campaign slogan " It 's the economy , stupid , " the hate went into over drive . It was impossible for them to believe everything they held sacred was false . They 've been hating ever since . Instead of understanding they needed to comprise after getting George W . into the White House by the skin of their teeth , they said " screw you America , your popular vote means nothing , we are in charge so shut up . " And they continued to regionalize themselves , and marginalize themselves as a party . They used terror tactics to get W a second term and we ended up with the 2nd worst economic disaster in American history . Now they 're facing the very real possibility of having a Democrat in the White House for a 3rd consecutive term and they 're reeling back and forth . Their front runner has alienated so many groups of voters , voters they need to get into the White House , and he doesn 't care since all he 's really doing is masturbating his own ego . And they 're wondering how they could have ended up in such a shit hole . What the GOP really needs to do is put the blame where it belongs , on Ronald Reagan 's head because his re - election was a lie . For all the Trumplodites out there , it looks like The Donald is a true demagogue , as noted by the conservative Washington Post . These aren 't the silent majority , but rather the clueless masses . Under his leadership the country would quickly cascade down into chaos . And those who love him ? They don 't understand he would crumble their hopes and dreams down upon them , except for a special few . This is how demagogues work . From FIOS to the Trumplodite ascension Ah , FIOS , some of know you too well . Me , for instance . My 82 year old mother recently moved into a Senior Living facility . So far everything is going well except for her one dismay , she now needs to watch Comcast rather then FIOS . She hates Comcast because they don 't broadcast the same religious channels as FIOS . She 'll learn to live with it . Anyway , it 's my job to return the two set top boxes and her router . When I cancelled her service I was told I could return everything to an authorized Verizon / FIOS dealer . So I toted everything across the river only to be told " we don 't do that anymore , you need to take them to a UPS Store . " So , on my way to the gym yesterday , I stopped off at the UPS Store and was told " our contract with FIOS expired at the end of October . " So , when I got home , I called Verizon and was promptly told " Oh , you were given wrong information . There are only 2 authorized dealers who can do returns in Pennsylvania , one is in Pittsburgh ( 4 hours away ) and the other is in Philly ( 2 hours away ) . They 're mailing me boxes , and mailing labels , so I can drop off my Mom 's equipment at my nearest post office . Now , isn 't that nice ? And then I saw this article in the Washington Post which I found to be on the humorous side since it was coming from a fairly conservative news source . There is evidently some serious concern that Trump might actually get the Republican nomination , the thought of which , I 'm sure , is sending all of his Trumplodites into hands free orgasms . For many , I suspect his ascension in this political arena is the next best thing to the Rapture . For me , well , found the comparison to both Barry Goldwater and the wonder Wendell Willkie almost heartwarming . And what really has their concerns all riled up is the fact that a Trump nomination would severely damage their tenuous hold on the Senate . Oh , woe is me , those poor Republicans . One can only speculate what might happen to the GOP should the Democrats win stunningly , . . implosion has a nice ring to it , don 't you agree ? Posted by Yesterday something terrible happened in San Bernardino , 14 people were murdered by pseudo terrorists , one of them born and raised in the good old USA . Oh , and these two killers bought their guns legally . Not surprisingly , all those Republican wanna be presidents all sent a lot of " thoughts and prayers " to the victims . Of course , they couldn 't really do anything else , could they ? The NRA sends them lots of legal donations to keep silent . Mum 's the word every time there 's a mass murder . No outrage , no sign of anger what so ever , just bowed heads diligently praying that all those Ammosexuals out there will continue to fill the Republican coffers . Innocent people get mowed down by bullets and the Republican reaction is always the same . True , they do wear their dismal little frowns and shake their heads silently , but there 's no real empathy ever put on display . Were they to do that , perchance , some of their gun totting base might not vote , they might stay home because their representatives seem to have gone a little soft on guns . And every vote counts . Now you might think that because they are so muted by mass murders they are not be a very excitable breed , these Republican Presidential wanna be 's , but that 's not true at all . Drop the word Benghazi into the conversation and see just how violently they react . If only they could channel just a teeny , weensy bit of that rage , and demonstrate just a modicum of concern over this multitude of mass murders , well , they might just surprise you by saying " this is not normal " . . . . oh , wait , that was Hillary , wasn 't it ? I went to the Colonial Park Mall today , hoping to return my Mom 's FIOS box to the Verizon store and , as I was approaching the last red light before turning into the parking lot , I noticed that the brown pickup in front of me was boasting a ' Trump 2016 ' bumper sticker . The light changed red and I stopped , however , the driver of the pickup truck drove right through it . Damn the cross traffic , he was not going to stop , the sign of a true Trump supporter . There are a lot of them out there , you know ? Trumplodites : white , high school education or less , both racist and bigot , and blaming the Democrats for everything they don 't like . And every time Trump makes a public appearance he throws his Truplodites some rancid red meat . He calls Mexicans ' rapists and killers ' and his Trumplodites cheer him on . He insults Carly F . 's looks and they shout with joy ! " This guy tells it like it is , " they squeal . He lies about seeing thousands of Muslims cheering on 9 / 11 and his Trumplodites begin stomping their feet in unison . He says all Muslims in the United States should be registered , and , though they cover their mouths with their hands , they still cheer him on . And they do this without comprehending that Americans came , as immigrants to this country , to get away from rulers and dictators like Trump . They do this because he feeds them rancid meat . They are his pet Trumplodites . Their cheering and their squealing and their stomping of their feet warms the cockles of his heart . He brings out the worst in America , and , not surprisingly , most of the worst in America happen to be Republicans . Reese 's candy catastrophe Evidently there 's this big to do going on about Reese 's and their peanut butter Christmas trees and , since the Reese 's factory is just down the road from me , I thought I might as well comment . First of all , you have to remember that this is a piece of peanut butter candy dipped in milk chocolate . Secondly , this is mostly to be eaten , not looked at . I don 't know anybody who unwraps a piece of candy just to look at it . In fact , there is only one reason this candy tree even exists , and that is to be eaten . You 're not going to frame it and hang it over your mantle . You 're going to take a bite out of it . It should not be about how it looks , but how it tastes . Get over it people . Still , there are those out there who want it to look a lot like this : Now , I 'll be one of the first to admit that this does not look a lot like a tree . And I will also admit that perhaps Reese 's went a little too far in calling it a tree . Christmas lump might be more apropos . But then I also have to admit it is just meant to be eaten . In fact , the truth is most people will unwrap this bulk produced candy and shovel it into their mouths with out so much as a curios glance . People , get over it ! There are more important things to think about in this world then they way a freaking piece of candy looks . Like . . . will I be finding the new Fallout Four under the Christmas tree this year . Tomorrow is Black Friday and . . . I don 't have to open the store . I actually don 't have to be there until 9 am , which is a first . It 's so nice not having to get up at 2 am to get to the store by 3 : 30 am so I can get the donuts and coffee ready . In a way I will miss seeing the big , burly contractors running down the aisles towards the stockpile of shop vacs the way 12 year old little girls chase after Justin Beiber . And then there are the church people . Church people you ask ? Yes , the church people . Every year we sell poinsettias in 6 inch pots for $ 2 a piece , with a limit on 2 per customer . And every year this one church sends in 15 - 20 of their most religious to buy as many as possible in order to decorate their church on the cheap . Last year they managed to get about 80 before we put the cabosh on the their sneak tactics , you know , changing coats in the parking lot , putting on a hat , going to different cashiers . They sure know how to make Jesus proud , don 't they ? Anyway , tomorrow I 'll get to sleep in until about 6 am , if the dogs will let me , and that will be nice . I won 't have to deal with the people who complain when the " limited " quantities run out , or those who create a scene when they realize the Ryobi Combo Kit that 's on sale is not the combination of tools that they want . I won 't have to deal with the people who order something on line at 6 am and expect their purchase to be pulled and waiting at the service desk at 7 am , and then complain even louder because there 's a crowd of 40 people ahead of them . Or that idiot who decides that the best time to return that toilet seat which just isn 't soft enough , ten minutes after the store opens . Believe me , people return shit at that hour of the morning . And then they get pissed because it just happens to be Black Friday and there are crowds of people everywhere . I haven 't written anything for a while , and with all of the shit going on all over the world , some may be surprised that my subject today is Caitlyn Jenner . Glamour magazine recently named her Woman of the Year . I find this rather funny . Evidently Jenner has spent millions on facial reconstructive surgery in order to look like Caitlyn , and no doubt spent another small fortune in order to achieve an hourglass figure . From the belt on up you do see Caitlin , however , from the belt on down , it 's still Bruce . The transition is incomplete , and , from what 's getting spewed out over the Internet , that surgery might probably never occur . So are we talking about man or a woman ? Sexual orientation comes into play here . Heterosexual women tend to have sex with men . Yet according to Jenner that 's not going to happen until after the surgery . Which makes one wonder if Jenner is still having sex with women , and if that is the case , is that an indicator of Lesbianism ? I don 't care if Jenner 's a Lesbian or not , but only having sex with women is a major complication , especially since there is guy gear involved . This means nothing needs to be strapped on . And , of course , is Jenner truly transitioning if the attraction is only for women . There are women out there who have spent a surgical fortune in order to look like Barbie - that doesn 't make them Barbie . Emotionally Jenner may identify as female , but as long there 's guy gear getting used in the bedroom , and there 's no indicator of that guy gear ever getting removed , anatomically he is still Bruce . I have to admit to feeling more then a little amused as I watch Dr . Ben Carson 's personal world implode in slow motion while he simultaneously commits political suicide . Oh , sure , he 's blaming the liberal media . Honestly , all of his problems can be traced to one guilty party , and it 's not the media , liberal or otherwise . The only one to blame is Dr . Ben Carson . You see , he wanted to be special , and not just in your ordinary special way . He wanted to be be more then just liked , and loved , and admired as a brilliant neurosurgeon . No , Ben wanted to be adored . So much so , that back when he started writing about his life 's history , he began altering facts , padding them , even simply just creating them in order to wow the bejesus out of adoring fans . Now they believe he is blessed . They believe he has been Chosen . And really , all he did was lie . Oh , and he seems to be rather stupid , too . I mean , he 's old enough and been around long enough to know that any fool who wants to be president is going to be put under a microscope . Every word , every syllable , even every glance he 's made is going to scrutinized . And all of sudden , this supposedly brilliant man is coming across as a phony . Everything thing he 's done has had one goal , to enhance his public image . And it 's not as those these investigations are difficult and complex , they 're actually nothing more then people being asked " do you remember this ? " No one is digging deep into shit to turn over a rock in order to find something really stinky . They 're just asking that one question , and evidently it 's that one question Ben Carson never thought people would ask . Except for the Krazy Kristians who will vote for him simply because he claims to be one of their own . his political career is over . And it is funny , watching him squirm as he gets shoved out into the holy light of honesty . What a phony . I 've been thinking about Ben Carson and his inability to get the record straight . I say this because under scrutiny a lot of his personal history , the stuff he uses to manipulate people , seems to have been padded . Now he is saying all that jazz about being offered a scholarship to West Point was really a problem with semantics . Dropping the " semantics " word bomb is a clear indicator that a lie has been told , and this is Ben 's way of tap dancing around the truth . However , because he 's a Krazy Kristian a number of other Krazy Kristians believe he 's the real thing . . . how quickly they forget . Remember George W ? He was also a Krazy Kristian . He 's the one who said to Bob Woodward " I talk to my Higher Father . " There were a lot of jokes back then since it did not seem as though his Higher Father was actually listening to him . Of course the Krazies ignored the sarcastic humor because they were in love with his words . He was the answer to their prayers , his presidency a gift from God . Except nothing really good came out of those eight years . In fact , if you think back , it seems as though we were actually suffering from Divine Wrath . Pat Robertson makes a lot of predictions about what is going to happen to the United States since Marriage Equality has come to pass . However , every one of those predictions has already happened to us during the George W . Bush presidency : worst terrorist attack in history , failed war in Iraq , Katrina , the second worst economic catastrophe in American History . Someone needs to tell Pat Robertson those were not our salad days . In fact , someone should point out to the Krazies that the last time one of their guys was in the White House , this country was smacked back again and again and again . As many know , yesterday was Election Day . Here in Cumberland County , PA , there was not a large turnout , at some polling station it was as low as 20 % . That is not a good thing . Special interest groups tend to do well when this happens because the Crazies rally . This is how we get wack jobs like Ted Cruz in Congress . Out of 153 , 000 registered voters in my county , only a little over 40 , 000 voted . What I did find interesting while looking at the numbers is that out of 40 , 000 , a little over 14 , 000 people voted straight down the party line . This means that while the number of voters in this mid - term election is rather low , most of them are paying attention to just who they are voting for , not just voting straight Republican or Democrat , and this is a problem for the Republicans because this is a Very Conservative County . Instead of sweeping power into their corner , it 's split between both parties . This is a long way from one Party domination , in fact , this is very centrist voting . On a side note , I saw that Kentucky now has a GOP Governor , some walking failure who supported Kim Davis . How do I know he 's a walking failure ? He has promised to " gut ' Obamacare . This guy is dumb as a brick . His name is Blevins . He 's going to shit away a lot of Kentucky money trying to do what both the Republican controlled House and Senate have failed to do . Oh , and he 's going to give Kim her way and diminish the value of marriage in Kentucky , but that 's okay because at least there 's a Republican Governor in Kentucky , and that 's what 's important . Went to see my Orthopedic specialist on Tuesday for my 3 month check in and received , as I expected , good news . Well , actually it was good and bad . My back is a good as it 's going to get , that 's the good part . I can once again lift 5 gallon buckets of paint that 's the bad . Why is it bad ? Because now I can open the store since that 's when most of our 5 gallon buckets are sold . That means getting up at 3 : 30 in the morning , something the dogs never get used to doing . If you blow up the picture you can see that the disc between L4 and L5 no longer exists , and that those vertebrae have fused together . The same thing is happening between L3 and L4 , in fact the fusion between those vertebrae is almost complete . These fusions limit my ability to twist and turn and bend , to some extent - solid bone does none of those things . At some point all that bone growth will need to be removed if I want to be able to walk . Hopefully it will be years from now . For those of you who don 't know , a piece of what astronomers are classifying as space junk is set to crash into the Indian Ocean . They 're calling it space junk because they don 't exactly know what it is , but because they seem to think that it 's hollow they 're assuming the planet of origin is Earth . They 've given it the name WT1190F , indicating that when this unknown object was discovered , astronomers across the planet wondered WTF is that ? So , what if it isn 't man made ? What if it happens to be alien ? That would be pretty freaking awesome . And I have to admit , I 'm kind of leaning towards the alien origin because , with the computers astronomers have at their fingertips , they could just back track WT1190F 's orbit and determine who and when it was shot into space . They done the backtracking bit rather efficiently on other things , why not this ? I mean , they 've taken the moon 's orbit and the earth 's orbit and gone back billions of years to determine it was formed when another , smaller planet collided with the earth . If they can do that , surely they should be able to tell us who 's responsible for this bit of junk . What if WT1190F isn 't actually completely hollow ? WE don 't know . It might be carrying something , an alien cargo , perhaps . For all we know this might be the prelude to an invasion . Who 's to say it isn 't ? It might contain a zombie virus . Or maybe something worse , a plague that turns the whole world into Republicans . Posted by Evidently the news is not good for Jeb . He 's spending lots of add money for nothing . Someone should have told him a long time ago that there are many more fun - filled ways to waste your money instead of flushing it down the toilet . Of course , maybe he likes to see how fast the green bills will spin before they disappear into the sewer . Of course , someone should also have told him that his last name " Bush " is more acidic then the blood of an alien , thanks to his brother . But then W is a brother , as well as Republican , and they do like to re - write history , and surprisingly , it works on their base . I work with a gentleman named Fred who 's a devout Republican . A few weeks back , while sitting in the lunchroom , I overheard a conversation between Fred and another associate . Because of something Trump had said , their main topic of discussion was George W . Bush . Neither seemed to have a problem with the former president . In fact , at one point , I nearly fell out of my chair when Fred said " now there was a president who stood for something . " To be honest , I was worried I might bleed to death from biting my tongue so hard because I really wanted to say " yeah , he stood for , and still stands for failure . " There is a toxicity around George W . Bush which will last for generations , similar to that dead space that surrounds Chernobyl . Yesterday morning the GOP got up and kicked a dead horse . . . again . You know what I 'm talking about , Benghazi . They 're terrified the election of 2016 is going to put another Democrat in the White House . Instead of doing anything substantial to actually try and win the election , they kick a dead horse . Why should we expect anything more out of them ? In fact , it seems as though the GOP has cornered the market on two things : kicking dead horses and shitting in their pants , they do both exceedingly well . While they will try and salvage a festering scrap of red meat from Clinton 's testimony yesterday for the party base , for all intents and purposes they failed . This is what was to be expected . They 've been failing for years . And they 've been shitting in their pants ever since they managed to get George W . Bush into the White House . They totally ignored the fact that he got the job thanks to hanging chads and a conservative Supreme Court ( amazing how much they liked the Court back then ) , and with a resounding splat , shit in their pants . He is considered the 2nd worst president in American history , though I suspect as time goes he 'll reach the pinnacle of incompetents . The GOP will never admit to this , to do so is to admit that they , themselves , are good at only two things , kicking dead horses and shitting in their pants . Don 't believe me ? Look at those jokers who are vying for the Republican nomination . Crazies , every single one of them . The fact that the Republican base likes both Trump and Carson , that those two individuals are leading in the polls , is frightening . And the rest of the clown parade is just as bad . So , instead of presenting ideas that actually might be workable , they attack . And they kick dead horses . And they continue to shit in their pants . I suspect it might be 2024 before are even able to name a viable candidate for the presidency . On Tuesday morning , my sister and I are taking our Mom to Senior Living facility . They used to call these places ' assisted living ' but I suppose that wasn 't politically correct enough for some seniors , God forbid they might need assistance . Anyway , we 're hoping she likes it enough to agree to the move , and we 're hoping that if she does move it doesn 't turn out to be a big mistake . You see , my Mom loves to tell people what to do . She loves to be catered to . She tells her neighbors she 's having a bad day to garner their sympathy . Here 's an example : 12 years ago she had a very minor stroke on the right side of her brain . She was in the hospital one day and out the next . She had some weakness in her left hand which disappeared shortly . Yet she tells everybody she meets about her stroke . That and her Maccular Degeneration . She tells everybody she 's going blind . She isn 't . I 've been with her to Optometrist , her eyes are fine . But it gets her sympathy . People say , " oh , that 's so terrible , she 's had a stroke and she 's going blind . " This past week , besides being a bit hectic at work , was also one of much hilarity on the Internet , know what I 'm talking about , the ironic funny stuff . Like Kim Davis ' pimp Mat now saying that those marriage licenses issued by her office , without her name , are legal documents , which is different then what he and that cow he 's pimping out were saying a few weeks back . Probably because that scammy bullshit they tried to pull with the Pope backfired . Wouldn 't you think that if their Deity were on their side the whole world would have been flummoxed ? Then there was Trump 's second attack on George W . Bush , which was really a ha ha ha . The problem with the Republicans is that they are living in an alternative universe , one in which everything they do is wonderful . They love changing history , you know ? And of course Jeb , who wants to prove there is a least one Bush in the family who can be a adequate president , objected . There is no way they are ever going to admit that W was one of the worst presidents in American history . I suspect he said that because he now realizes that everything is getting flushed down the toilet . Not one person in the Clown Parade is electable . Only an idiot can see either Trump or Carson in the White House . Priebus knows this . He is , no doubt , trying to get the wagons into a circle in order to survive the Indian attack without understanding it 's not the Indians who are attacking , which is more of their alternative universe . A closer analogy would be a horde of Republican lemmings racing towards the edge of a cliff . At this point , I don 't think anything is going to stop them . There are a lot of people out there who think marriage is greater than sliced bread , or it 's better than apple pie , or even that it 's the greatest thing that can happen to two people . I don 't eat sliced bread and apple pie is just okay with me , I 'd rather have blueberry . . . or peach . As for the greatest thing that can happen to two people ? I guess that would be just fine , if divorce didn 't get in the way . Now I 'll admit that the romantic allure of marriage can sometimes be overwhelming . So much so that some people tend to do it over , and over , and over again . If you 're a Christian , marriage is supposed to be a Holy Sacrament , a vow before God , yet in the state of Pennsylvania at least 63 % of all marriages end up in divorce . So much for the sanctity of the vow . There are several reasons why marriages fail : people get married because they don 't know the difference between love and lust ; familial pressures , you just need to get married , society expects people to get married , it 's what everybody does , isn 't it ? And let 's face it , divorce is cheap . What 's a couple hundred bucks , especially if you 're blaming someone else ? And let 's face it , blame is important . Everyone wants to point the finger at someone else , and even , on those rare occasions when someone does admit to being at fault , there are always qualifications . Besides , divorces aren 't that expensive . In fact , ending a marriage can be a lot cheaper then actually staying together . Marriage is a business contract , after all , in spite of all the romantic trappings used for decoration . If it were far more expensive to get a divorce , I suspect a lot of people would take a lot more time thinking about just what they 're planning . Having said such , I think all states should enact a Divorce Tax . If you want to get married , well , that 's fine , however , if you want to get a divorce you have to pay a tax . I think 10 % of the cumulative gross wages earned during their time of marriage would be a nice round figure . This means that if a couple gets married , and stays married for 5 years , and the total gross wages both of them earned during that 5 years totals $ 300 , 000 , they they would owe a Divorce Tax of $ 30 , 000 . Now I know there are people who are going to say " Holy Crap , that 's too much money , I can 't afford that . " Well , then maybe you shouldn 't be getting married in the first place . Commitments should be cheap and in today 's world marriage is a cheap commodity just about anybody can afford . Posted by A long time ago , back when I was in college , a friend of mine named Dave H . tried to teach me about the art of seduction . The lessons were fairly simple . You were supposed to ply your intended with a cocktail or two , possible a joint , make them feel special as you maneuvered yourself close enough and then slowly let nature run its course . I tried it once and my intended and I both ended up getting drunk and so nothing happened . Celebrities , on the other hand , have long had a reputation for being seducers . They seem to have this extra pheromone called ' Celebrity Status , ' which seems to drive both men and women wild . Back in his day , Errol Flynn was a notorious seducer of women . . . and sometimes men , So , why all the hub - bub about Bill Cosby ? None of his accusers seem to have been physically forced . He didn 't threaten them and throw them down on the bed and ravish them within an inch of their lives . There was alcohol involved in some cases , but none of them claim to have been slobbering drunk before he took advantage of them . I think Bill 's real problem is that he 's made a career out of playing clean - cut characters . He wore a lot of sweaters . How many seducers do you know ( if you know any ) own that many sweaters ? His total reputation is being " Mr . Nice Guy , " not your average Joe who sometimes gets a little too horny for his own good . Back when his celebrity pheromones were pumping out in over time mode , he didn 't realize his own career was setting him up as a failed seducer . In their own minds , those who were nailed by Errol Flynn had bragging rights , but let 's be honest , who would really want to brag about getting nailed by Mr . Huxtable ? And that 's the truth . You 're not going to use the position to balance power , nor are you not going to be able to use it as a springboard into a more powerful position . Being Speaker of the House is worse then being a snake wrangler dealing with a burlap bag full of cottonmouths . . . not that there 's any cotton in their mouths . You see the Tea Party branch of the GOP , for some reason only the stupid know , decided to remove the word ' compromise ' from their vocabulary . In fact things have gotten so bad they can 't have a decent conversation among themselves . All they want to do is demand and blame . Kevin McCarthy ( not the actor ) , the presumptive Speaker stepped in a pile of shit when he admitted Benghazi was nothing more then a ruse to attack Clinton . OOPS ! Now he 's practically on the running to save his political career . And any smart politician would think twice before applying for the position since no one is going to be able to rein in the crazies on the far right . In fact , I have no doubt , that the party has , indeed , achieved escape velocity and is no spiraling out towards Jupiter . . . or maybe Saturn . This is how a political party dies . Messy , ain 't it ? While South Carolina experienced at truly devastating flood , I was dealing with my own , little , invisible one . My 110 year old house has hardwood floors throughout that are , for the most part , in very good shape . . . . except for the kitchen floor . Because there was damage , and because I have dogs , I put down vinyl planks . This was a 3 step process , first 3 / 4 inch plywood , then 1 / 4 inch Masonite , and then the planks . I also own a side by side Whirlpool refrigerator , that 's about 9 years old and still works like a charm . For some reason only the designers know , Whirlpool put the water filter down at floor level . In order to change it you need to get down on your hands and knees . Two months ago this filter needed to be changed , so I got a new one out of the cupboard and set it on the kitchen counter , got down on my hands and knees , pushed the release on the old filter , and removed it . However , during this process Big Seig , my then 6 month old , and very large , Boxer pup got the the new filter from the counter thinking it was a brand new , fancy dancy chew toy . When I got it from him the label looked a bit chewed up , but other wise the filter looked fine , and so I installed it . Unbeknownst to me , however , he had managed to damage a teeny , weeny , black rubber gasket , and as a result , once the filter was installed , it began a steady drip . . . and drip . . . and drip . There is a small drip pan under the filter which filled up to the brim , and then for every drop that went into the pan , a drop went over the side . And , of course , one of the seams for the vinyl planks runs directly under the drip pan . So , for some time water has been soaking in to the Masonite , which began to swell . Four days ago I looked at the floor around my refrigerator and said to myself , " that looks odd . " So , getting down on my hands a knees , investigated and discovered the problem . The damaged filter has been removed and a new one ordered . The dripping has stopped . Now I 'm just waiting to see how much damaged has been done . This is how it goes some times . Posted by When these things happens the NRA goes into Crowd Control Mode on a vast scale , because ammunition manufactures tell them this is what they need to do , and Lord knows we do need more bullets . One of their most popular sayings is " guns don 't kill people , people kill people . " Whenever I hear this I say , " which means not everybody should have access to guns . " They don 't like that . Adam Lanza , the wacko kid responsible for Sandy Hook , was he a member ? Was his mother a member ? I think the public needs to know . Did a card carrying member of the NRA give her wacko son access to automatic weapons ? Was this crazy out in Oregon a member ? He owned a number of guns , all purchased legally , so I think the public has a right to know . Did he pay his dues to the NRA ? It seems to me that the NRA thinks everyone should be able to own a gun . But they don 't seem to police their members , do they ? If they did , the bullet makers might not sell as many bullets . Wouldn 't that be a shame ? So it seems her meeting with the Pope was not as private as Kim Davis , and her pimp Mat Staver , would have the world believe . While she , and her pimp , would have liked everybody to believe the Holy Father was in full support of her position , this is not the case . And these press releases are everywhere . The Vatican is putting as much distance between the Pope and Kim Davis , and her pimp , as possible . The other day when I 'd read that her pimp had said " the how and why " of the meeting were not important , it was the meeting itself which counted , I started wondering . Lo and behold , the nuncio ( the Vatican 's ambassador ) knows her pimp , and he is the one who arranged the meeting . One suspects this whole thing was engineered to pin the Pope into a corner , forcing him to take a stance against marriage equality . People who hate will stoop to any low measure . And , of course , her pimp is flipping out . I like the bit about how " she changed her hair style " so she wouldn 't be recognized . This is really funny because what her pimp was going to be their ' coup de gras ' has turned into a stinky pile of shit . Anyway , I read that Matt Staver ( Kim 's pimp ) was on a show called " The Talk " yesterday and seemed to grow a little flustered about the questioning . Remember those pics that were taken of Kim and the Pope ? Well , evidently the Vatican is still sitting on them . And instead of everybody saying " oh , wow ! Kim , that 's so neat ! " they 're asking questions as to how . . . and why , and Staver 's not answering , which makes one wonder if those mutterings about a ' set - up ' might be true . Could be . Has anybody heard if Carlo Vigano is looking for a new job ? By now , just about everybody with any interest knows this . That 's right , Kim and the Pope had a little meet and greet . At first the Vatican was a little shy about the subject , but now they admit the meeting took place , however they 're not talking about it . Of course , they don 't need to because Kim is . . . well , actually , it 's the Liberty Council that 's doing most of the talking , filling the media with quotes from Kim . In fact the Liberty Council is waiting for pictures taken of Kim and the Pope . Don 't worry , we 'll all see them plastered on T - shirts at their next Hate Rally , each bearing that smashing new slogan of hate : Stay Strong ! Of course , they not only hate , they have no problem with lying . It took them a while before they admitted this picture was horse shit an honest mistake . One can only wonder if this is what convinced the Pope a secret meeting with Kim was important . I can only wonder why no one told him how much hate the Liberty Council sponsors towards the LGBT community . They are not just against Marriage Equality , that 's just the tip of the iceberg to them . If it were up to them we would have no rights what so ever . They are , to use the Pope 's own terminology , totally consumed with ideological Christianity . In other words , they cherry pick those things they want to believe , those things they love , and those things they hate . By having that few minute conversation with her , he aligned himself with them because she is one of theirs . I 'm surprised she wasn 't wired to record the conversation . . . oh , maybe she was . Wouldn 't that be a joke on the Pope ? Or maybe it was her husband who was wearing the wire , since Kim evidently gave the Holy Father a hug . Stonewall opened in 112 ( ? ) theaters last weekend , not one of which was in Harrisburg . Not that I had planned on going to see it . . . too much bad press . What I find surprising is that there were those out there who hoped for something better . Evidently no one took the time to look at his track record . His forte is smashingly good special effect sequences . . . and that 's about it . " Independence Day " was a remake of the film version of " War of the Worlds , " and it made him a lot of money , the fact that an alien species , who 've been harvesting planets throughout the galaxy , could be beaten with a 20th century computer virus is . . . well . . . preposterous . But that 's how Roland 's mind works . Then there 's that great scene in " The Day After Tomorrow " where a young ( and still Otterish ) Jake Gyllenhaal , knowing things are going to get really , really cold , decides the best way to keep warm is to burn books . Sure , they 're in the New York Public Library , and there are lots of books around them , but there are also large wooden tables , and wooden chairs , and wooden bookcases . The fact that burning wood does give off more BTU 's then burning paper was totally ignored and they burned books . Knowing all of this , why would anyone have expected " Stonewall " to be anything more than it is ? When it comes to logic ? When it comes to serious expose ? All Roland can do is hit a brick wall . Sad to say , but I don 't think he actually cares much about what 's on the other side , because hitting that brick wall as fast as he can is what 's important to him . Just saw an article in the NYT about immigrants coming into the US and wasn 't surprised at all . Just about every local and state governments , as well as our National leaders , jumped on board the Spanish train and published everything in both English and Spanish . Retailers jumped into the mix too . Now , according to the Pew Institute it looks as though the Spanish speakers are lagging behind . It seems to be the Asians , ( Chinese and Indians ) who are immigrating in much larger numbers . Oops . Does this mean we 're going to have to change all of those signs ? John Boehner is quitting his job . His last day will be at the end of October - scary because the only thing he 's managed to do while in the position is keep rabid Tea Partiers at bay . . . well , sort of . However er , they don 't want to be kept at bay . They want to attack , attack , attack no matter how terrible it makes them look . They want to shut down the government as often as they can in order to prove to themselves how powerful they are , without the least bit of consideration of the damage they 're doing . They headlines are interesting , most of them alluding to this fact . However , I did see this little thing , about this little investigation going on which might also factor into his resignation . Of course , he 's not the only politician who 's had problems with campaign financing . You would think they 'd know by now that money is like drugs , and the best thing to do is just say ' no . ' Oh , wait , that 's right , I 'm speaking about a Republican here . Anyway , we 'll have to wait and see if this pans out . Personally , I 've always thought he was a little too smarmy , even for a politician . . . sort of like ' old school ' scum . Of course , maybe it 's true that he 's quitting as a result of pressure from the Far Right . If that 's is the case it couldn 't have happened at a worst time for them . They have a clown parade of wanna be presidents , and they 're going to replace Boehner with a Speaker who 's going to ' let loose the hounds . ' Looks like we 'll have another Democrat in the White House in 2016 . Today is Big Seig 's birthday . He 's a nine month old Boxer . . . who 's still growing . He 's called Big Seig because he 's approaching 100 lbs . . . and he 's still growing , and he 's not fat , he 's all muscle . He 's also a big , big baby . I have a lot of pictures of him , but the one which gives you the best idea of how big he is was taken a month ago , when he was eight months old . That 's Big Seig with my 82 year old mom . Anyway , today 's his birthday . To celebrate , he and Lillian D ' aubert , my female Boxer , shared a piece of white cake with butter cream icing . Normally , they don 't get people food , only on birthdays . On a lighter note , I saw that Kim Davis was given a little soap box on Fox News last evening - didn 't watch it . I did read she said something to the effect that she wouldn 't issue a marriage license to her own child if he was gay , and I thought , holy crap , if she had a gay child she 'd be beating the gay out of him in Jesus ' name when ever possible . That 's what crazy , religious fanatics do . What I did watch was Steven Amell in Arrow on Netflix . I like the show because it 's definitely not PG rated . And , on top of that , he 's not bad looking . Though I have a funny feeling that in the real world he 's a bit on the petite side , even though they say he 's over 6 feet tall . Now be honest , who would you really rather look at ? Steve or Kim ? Well , the Kim Davis story keeps getting more and more absurd . I saw this in Towleroad , which is really rather funny . Let 's be honest , her whole shtick has gone from preposterous to ludicrous . There are times when the things which pop out of her mouth make me think she might be pre - menopausal and dealing millions and millions of misfiring neurotransmitters . . . but then I come to my senses and realize that she 's just nuts . She says she doesn 't want to quit her $ 80 , 000 a year job because she 's good at it . . . except she 's failing to do her job . In fact , she wants the Kentucky legislature to alter her job description so she has even less to do . One suspects the $ 80 , 000 is the real reason she doesn 't want to quit it . Then there 's the crying jag she gets into if someone suggests God doesn 't love her . . . . My brother is a Methodist minister . He , his wife , and their five kids are very devout . Were I to tell them that for some odd reason God didn 't love them , they 'd look at me oddly , so sure are they in their faith . The same with Bill , one of my associates , who 's borderline Krazy Kristian . Not one would shed a tear because they are ' believers . ' Kim Davis , however , seems to get all blubbery and opts for the crocodile tears . Raging hormones have that effect , or so I 'm told . And then there are the gay friends , the ones who wanted a wedding license . Where have they been all of this time ? Why didn 't they stand beside her ? Why aren 't they cheering her on ? If they don 't come forward soon , people are going to start believing she 's a lying sack of shit . This woman wants to be a martyr , still no one 's beaned her on the head with a rock yet , not that I think it would do any good . What she is doing it trying to hide her bigotry behind religion , which makes her nothing more then a dirty hypocrite . My friend Betsy , also very religious , says Kim Davis gives Christianity a bad name . Unless her legal team can shake some gay friends out of her friendship tree soon , I suspect she 'll lose her job when the Kentucky Legislature reconvenes . Posted by I think Donald Trump is a horse 's ass , but that doesn 't mean he isn 't amusing . Thanks to him a majority of the American people now know that a large majority of the Republican base hate illegal aliens . To be more precise , they hate Spanish speaking illegal aliens . They want to kick them all out and build a wall . Hhhmmm . However , the Republican base also likes Big Business because Big Business donates lots and lots of money to their causes . In fact , Republicans , in general , love Big Business almost as much as they hate illegal aliens , which is where the bilingual paradox occurs . You see one of the largest groups of Big Business is retail . Retail Corporations ( and they are corporations ) earn billions and billions of dollars every year , and these Retail Corporations tend to funnel a portion of those billions to the political party which they feel is going to give them the best deal , oh , and retail is very , very pro - bilingual . Walk into any Walmart , or Target , or Lowe 's , or Home Depot and you 're going to see two languages . . . English and Spanish . And everybody knows that the vast majority of those illegal aliens ( who , according to Trump are Latino ) have taken the time to become proficient in English before crossing the boarder illegally . Oops , well , that last sentence is probably not true , most of them can 't speak English . Do you think any Retail Corporation cares how people get to this country ? All they really care about is the money those people are going to spend , which is why they make it so easy . This is a bit of a thorny issue for the Republicans , you see , becauseif by some odd chance Donald Trump were to get elected president , and if he were to ship out all of the millions of illegal aliens , retail sales would slump , which would effect the global stock market . Think of all the jobs that would be lost . Republicans can 't have their cake and eat it too , which is why there 's a bit of a paradox . Posted by Everybody has seen road workers wearing those very bright fluorescent yellow and green colors and not because they want to make a fashion statement but rather for safety 's sake . They just don 't want to get hit by a moving vehicle , hence my decision to call it Flo - Glo , they keep the traffic flowing all the while glowing . You know what I mean , this stuff . Anyway , there seem to be quite a number of people out there who 've decided to take these colors and turn them into a fashion statement . . . a T - shirt fashion statement . Now , I have absolutely no problem seeing men wearing T - shirts ; it 's a comfortable piece of clothing . I wear them , usually not out in public , but around the house . Back when my job kept me office bound , I wore them daily under my dress shirts . Some people can actually wear them out in public and look damn good . My friend Larry , back when he spent a lot of time at the gym , often wore T - shirts when he went out , and always one size too small . Unfortunately not everybody is like Larry . And these colors are very bright . They 're like little magnets that even the most steely - eyed person is drawn to , which is why there 's a paradox . What was initially meant to be a color to provide safety while keeping traffic flowing , is now being worn by many who either don 't know better or who simply don 't care . I 'm talking about guys with girth . When it 's a size XXL and it 's still a size too small , you shouldn 't be wearing it . . . anywhere . Here 's an example : This past Tuesday I had some guy come up to the paint desk and he had at least 2 inches of drop - age . For those who don 't know , drop - age happens when you 're belly sags below the hemline of your shirt , You know what I 'm talking about . . . belly skin , sometimes really hairy belly skin . Anyway , this guy comes up and orders a 5 gallon bucket of Glidden , Semi - gloss , Antique White and I can barely hear what he 's saying because he 's got about 2 inches of drop - age resting on the edge of the paint desk . . . and , of course , he 's wearing a Flo - Glo T - shirt , and , of course , I can barely hear what he 's saying because my mind is screaming in horror . Since I 'm not allowed to lift 5 gallon buckets until October , I handed the order off to one of my associates . Later she came up to me and said " why would anyone wear that shirt with that much fat hanging out . " And , my response was to shrug and admit that it was a paradox to me . Posted by I 've been told I 'm very opinionated . I pretty much say what 's on my mind . Some people think that 's funny , as in ' ha ha ' funny not in ' oddly different ' funny .

How are things going this week ? Sorry this is a day late this week . We went to do our emails yesterday but the internet was down in all of Charentsavan so we got permission to do our emails today . Luckily we still got our full p - day yesterday . I took a nice and long nap . It was amazing haha . Anyways , it has been another busy week here in Armenia . The work is going really great ! I 'll start out by filling you in on how some of our investigators are doing . . . First off , Allah is doing so well ! We 've continued to teach her with Branch President and we 've seen so much change in her . Before , she would refuse to the prayer in our meetings . Her response was always , " I can 't , I can 't . I 'm not ready . " But now she quickly accepts when we ask . We don 't understand what she is saying cause it is in Russian but Elder Cook and I were just saying the other day how we can always feel the Spirit when she prays . During one of our meeting we were asking her about her reading and how she felt about it all and Branch President was translating . And I guess some stuff got lost in translation cause I started explaining the importance of having a testimony about Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon and Branch President interrupted me and was like , " Oh , she already said that she knows the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet . " Haha I was like wow , that might have been an important thing to throw in there ! It was a very pleasant surprise to say the least . haha . We are hoping for her , Luiza , and Kristine to all get baptized in the next couple of weeks ! They are all doing so well . I 'm just so impressed with Luiza . She makes such a sacrifice to come to church every Sunday . She hasn 't missed a Sunday since we started teaching her . I have so much respect and admiration for people who make sacrifices like that on a weekly basis like she does . I know that she will be blessed for it . She is such a good example for all the other members here in Charentsavan who live 5 minutes from the building and don 't come . Anyone who lives in Charentsavan can get to the building in 15 minutes . That 's how small Charentsavan is ! haha . I love it though . It is hard to believe that I 've almost been here for 5 months already . I hope I get to stay here long enough to finish the teaching process with some of these people ! We picked up a guy this past week named Gayvork . He 's a good guy . It was interesting caue we talked to him on the street a couple weeks ago and he wasn 't really feelin it haha . But we were walking down the street the other day he yelled down at us from his little balcony to come talk to him . When we went up he told us that he isn 't sure if he has much longer to live , apparently cause of some heart complications . But we were able to talk with him about our message and then invited him to be baptized , and he accepted ! We 'll see how things come along these next few weeks . It is amazing how God prepares people . I 've really learned that nothing I do in missionary work is of myself . It is all about being someone The Lord can trust and being worthy to be someone He can work through . That is something I am working on and focusing on . I love being a missionary ! So , is everyone excited for General Conference this week ? ! Haha I 've been counting down for a couple weeks now . Unfortunately , I 've got to wait an extra week . It takes a translating team a week to translate all of Conference into Armenian . Luckily we get to watch it in English , otherwise I would get absolutely nothing from it haha . But they like for us to watch it at the same time as our branch so we will watch it the same time they watch it , just in another room . I 'm so excited though ! Our mission has a cd with a bunch of old Conference talks and devotionals on it . I listen to them in my free time . I 'm so mad at myself for all the sessions that I have missed in the past couple of years . School dances could have waited and spring break could have waited . My priorities were a little out of whack . Luckily , that is not the case anymore ! haha . I love hearing from our Prophets and Apostles . There is nothing more important than listening and following our leaders . President Monson truly is God 's mouth piece on the earth today . I hope you all can watch all the sessions of Conference this weekend . I read an article in this last month 's ensign that talked about a guy who shared his testimony about how we have a living Prophet and how we can listen to them every 6 months . And the nonmember asked the guy what they said most recently and the guy said that he couldn 't remember a single thing . I thought about that personally and I probably would have had a similar response the last few years . It made me really sad . Well , needless to say , I 'm going to write out some questions that I have right now in my life and I hope you all will do the same ! I loved Elder Holland 's talk at the end of last Conference , when he said that if you listen closely to every talk , the Spirit will speak to you and show you how the talk applies to you . Something along those lines haha . But that is so true ! Plus , our Apostles and Prophets spend months preparing for us , so why shouldn 't we prepare a little for them ? haha . I 'm so thankful for this Church aI love you all so much ! Thanks for all that you do for me . Especially your support . I couldn 't have asked for a better family ! I hope you all have great weeks and know just how much I love you all ! Can 't wait to hear from you all next week ! Next week I 'm not going to have very long for email . We are going to go to a super old church in Sevan ( Sevan is the huge lake in Armenia ) . Apparently it is way cool and pretty . I 'm going to take a ton of pictures and I 'll send them the following week ! Just heads up , cause I might only have time for a one big email . Sorry ! I would still appreciate an email from you all if you have time though . I guess I 'm kinda greedy huh ? haha . I love you all ! Hey everyone ! How is everyone doing this week ? It was great to hear from you all ! You 're all so great . Thanks for your support and words of encouragement and love . I love you all ! So , another great week has come and gone by here in Charentsavan . Everything is going really well though . Not a whole bunch of new stuff going on . Things are going really well with Elder Cook . We are getting more comfortable with each other and teaching well with one another . I 'll start by telling you all a little bit about some cool experiences we had this week with some of our investigators . First off , Allah . She is doing really well . It has made a big difference meeting with her and our Branch President together . She doesn 't look at us with a confused look as much anymore . We came to find out that she didn 't know what the word for to repent in Armenian is and some other really important words like that . . . haha yeah that would not have been good if we had just kept going . But she is really doing well . I can really notice a change in her . She is offering to say the prayers now and stuff like . I love seeing that change in people ! Never gets old . We had a really cool experience with her this past week . She had us come to her friends house to meet with her and we weren 't expecting to really focus too much on her friend but as we started talking to them all we came to find out that her friend 's husband and mother just died . It was really sad as she was talking about it . Her husband was just 28 years old and they have a son who is 4 or 5 . After all the talking and learning about her , we didn 't have a whole lot of time to teach but we were able to teach her some of the Plan of Salvation . She just sat there and cried . It really strengthened my testimony of the Plan of Salvation . She had so much despair and darkness in her life , and talking about the Plan of Salvation helped me see how much our Heavenly Father truly loves us . Our much hope and happiness and comfort there is in His plan for us . I 'm really looking forward to meeting with her this next week . Next , Luiza . I 'm not sure if I 've told you much about her but she was a referral from a member in our Branch . She lives in a village about 20 km out of Charentsavan andI don 't really have a whole lot of other side stuff to share this week unfortunately . The mission as a whole has been in a little bit of a slump so President Carter raised the standards for meetings , new investigators , and people we talk to on the street in hopes of everyone proving to themselves that we can do better . It went really really well and everyone had a much much better week . But this last week was also probably the busiest of my mission as well . It was so crazy ! I loved it though . My competitive side came out a little bit haha . We hit all the goals he set for us , except the number of people we talk to on the streets . We missed it by 4 ! haha . Its funny to see the little things that bring out my competitive side . haha . But I 'm really looking forward to this next week and the work we have ahead of us . We are going to hit all of our goals this next week ! Haha I 'll let you know how it goes . The language is coming along well . I am starting to notice a lot of things that I need to work on and at the same time , notice those things that I am doing well with . I still wish I could understand more and say more than I can but as they say here " kamatz kamatz " ( slowly but surely ) . I had to give a talk yesterday in church . It went pretty well I think . I was pretty nervous haha . I spoke about missionary work and the importance of us opening our mouths as members of the church . I 'm not sure if they understood or got the spirit of what I was trying to say , but I did my best ! haha . I think things are going to start going really well with the language though . Even though it is super frustrating , I find a lot of joy in learning more . I just can 't wait until the point when I can really express myself and say all the things that I want to say . I know that the hard work that I put in now will make it happen . There are a lot of missionaries that learn just enough of the language to get by and then they stop working hard . In my opinion , they miss out on so much . Learning this language has taught me the principles of diligence and putting my trust in the Lord . I have learned that as we are diligent and doing all we can , and then turn the rest over to the Lord and put our trust in Him , that is the moment when the blessings come . I know this to be true and I 'm thankful for that simple fact . As I think of that , I look forward to working a little bit harder than I did the day before . I 've been truly blessed because of this . Well , I think that is about it for this week ! I hope you all have amazing weeks ! You are all so great . Thank you for all that you do for me and help me with ! I couldn 't do this without ya ! I love you so much ! Talk to you next week ! It was great to read all of your emails today . You all sound like you are doing so well and loving life ! Things are going really great here . It was a very busy week and a lot of change happened . I 'm not even sure where to start ! So , Elder Steglich and I went down to Yerevan for P - day last week . We had planned everything out , we were going to do a little mini split with the AP 's ( Assistants to the President ) and then stay the night at their place so that we could get to Zone Leader Council on time . So we did our email down there and then we went to this pizza place and ate a TON of pizza haha . Then we went to a tie shop and I bought some really cool ties . It 's funny , ties have turned into the equivalent of a pair of nikes for me haha . I 've only bought a few but I 've traded a ton . I 've got quite the collection now haha . Anyways , so then we met up with the AP 's and did our little exchange thing and like 30 minutes later we get a call from President Carter . News of the week : I 'm still in Charentsavan but I am no longer companions with Elder Steglich . I was shocked . It was funny cause we had just been talking to each other earlier that we should just spend the rest of our missions together as companions . Haha so life goes . But Elder Steglich is now an Assistant to the President and my new companion is Elder Cook . We are both Zone Leaders , so nothing really changed with me . Things are going really good though . Elder Cook is a great guy . Very goal oriented and a very hard worker . We get along well though . Not quite as well as Elder Steglich and I did , but I 'm not sure I 'll have another companionship like that . But we report our numbers for the day to the AP 's every night so I talk to him just about every night . Plus , he told me he is going to come on an exchange here to Charentsavan with me in a couple weeks . We 're both pretty excited about that . The change has been different but good at the same time . I really feel like I 'm supposed to be with Elder Cook and here in Charentsavan right now . That is what I love about missions . No matter what , you know that you are where the Lord needs you to be . This was kind of a slow week for the work here . We didn 't get any work done Monday cause we had to come back here so that Elder Steglich could pack . And then Tuesday we were in Yerevan for zone leader council and Thursday we were in Yerevan again for zone conference . So , needless to say , it was just a crazy week . haha . Zone conference went really well though . President Carter and Sister Carter just got back from a Mission President 's seminar thing so they had a ton of great things to share with us and a lot of good counsel to give . This next week is going to be a really great week ! Our investigators are doing pretty good . Allah is doing really well . We had been teaching her at her place and she seemed to be accepting things well but sometimes she would just look at us with this blank stare . She reads in Russian but she is Armenian and speaks well so we were just kind of confused why she didn 't understand . So we talked to our Branch President and he told us to meet with her at the church with him . So we met with her at the church yesterday with our Branch President and it was amazing . Whenever she got the blank stare on her face our Branch President would translate into Russian . I now know what I look like when people say something to me and I don 't have a clue what they are saying . . . hahaha . It was a really cool experience though cause we had been trying so hard to get her to pray and she was just having a really hard time with it . But our Branch President explained everything to her in Russian and she finally agreed to say the closing prayer . She said it in Russian , so we didn 't understand anything , but the Spirit was way strong and when she said amen and we all opened our eyes we noticed that she was just crying . It was so cool ! I love experiences like that when you absolutely know that they are feeling the Spirit . Then theres Yervand . He is doing great ! I 'm not sure if I told you about him last week or not but he is the guy who can barely walk and has to use a crutch to get around . It is really sad because he lElder Cook and I had an interesting experience last night . We were doing some street contacting and we came across and big group of like 13 or 14 year olds . It is really interesting , here in Armenia there are two types of males ; 1 . they are just punks and just mess with you or are just rude , or 2 . They are super nice and just want to talk , even if they aren 't interested . Well we found out really quickly that they were the first type haha . But they were asking a lot of questions and so we answering them and trying to testify . And this one kid , the ring leader haha , was just saying ridiculous stuff . He was telling us to say the 10 commandment and just kept trying us . And then I noticed that a member of our Branch Presidency had walked up and was watching . He has only come twice since I 've been here and I know that he smokes . I 'm not sure if he has been released or not but he is inactive . But when I saw him I was pretty happy cause I thought he was going to tell the kids off and tell them to go away . And when he finally walked up he came up to me and asked me if I knew who he was and I said yeah . And he was just like do you know what I am ? And I was like a counselor in our Branch Presidency and he just shook his head . And then the kids where all like wait you 're Mormon ? and he walked over to them and whispered something to them and they all started laughing . And we just turned around and walked away . I was so mad . But it was a really good learning experience for me . He was baptized less than a year ago and it just helped me to see how big of a change it is to join our church . My respect for the faithful members of our Branch grew tenfold becuase they withstand ridicule and what not because they know that this is true . It also helped me to see the importance of making sure that investigators become fully converted . It is hard being a member of this church . But how could we expect it not to be ? We are a part of the only true church on this earth , Christ 's church . We can 't expect it to be a walk in the park . Like the sI love you all so very much ! Thank you for your support and for all that you do for me . You 're the best ! I hope you all have a great week and I can 't wait to here how you are all doing next week ! Sounds like you all had a great week , which as usual is great to hear ! Unfortunately , my time is a little short this week cause I 'm in Yerevan . We have Zone Leader Counsel tomorrow and we are just staying the night with the AP 's cause it starts earlier in the morning . But I did my best to get some personal emails out and hopefully this one will fill you in on how things are going here . It was another great week here in Armenia ! Yesterday at church was especially great ! I can honestly say it was one of most spiritual sacrament meetings of my life . To start it off , Tadevos blessed the sacrament and Tigran passed it to the congregation ! It was so great to see them using their priesthood already ! I could tell they were kind of nervous but they did such a great job . They both looked great in their white shirts and ties too ! And then Lusine , Tadevos , and Tigran all received callings . I was so happy that they were given assignments cause I know that it will only strengthen them . And then , the best part was the testimony meeting part of sacrament meeting . Tadevos got up and bore his testimony and did so amazing ! He talked about how when we were teaching him he always wondered what it felt like to know that these things were true . Then he said , " After today , I no longer have that question anymore . " It was so powerful . He received that confirming witness from the Holy Ghost and it was so cool to see ! And then right after him Tigran got up and bore his testimony . It always amazes me how much he knows and how strong he is spiritually . He is only 14 but he is so mature . I think there are big things ahead of him in the future . I really hope so . He is such an amazing kid . And then after him Silva got up and bore her testimony as well . It was so amazing to see them get up and bear their testimonies . That was one of the best moments of my mission . Just seeing these people get up and bear such strong testimonies barely a month after their baptisms . It was just as satisfying , if not more , as when they got baptized . That is what missionary work is all about . I really hope I can stay in Charentsavan for a while so I can continue to see these great people continue to progress and grow ! As for our other investigators , they are all doing really well ! Unfortunately we weren 't able to visit that family at all this week . The daughter had her baby Monday so they have been super busy . Something really funny happened when we went to visit them Monday though . We had no idea she was that close to giving birth , but we got to their place and they had guests over so we were going to say we could come back another time but they insisted that we come in and eat with them . So we came in and they had us sit at this table to eat with them . It was Julietta , Suren , their son ( the husband of the Narine who had just given birth ) and then Narine 's parents were there as well . So we went to eat and Elder Steglich asked if we could say a prayer on the food and they were like sure no problem . After he said the prayer Narine 's dad , who by the way is super super drunk , is just like what was that . haha . Armenians say " Our Father " prayer from the Bible and that is about it . They always make a big deal about it that we don 't say it . But anyways he started asking why we don 't say that prayer and we started to explain how Heavenly Father is literally our father and how we talk to Him from our heart . Then he turns to Julietta and Suren and says forgive me , and right then I was like oh great this guy is about to lay into us haha . And he just started talking about how cause he is older he has that much more faith than us and some other stuff as well but I couldn 't really understand cause he was so drunk . As he was going off on us he was kind of swaying side to side and I was just thinking in my head , this guy is about to pass out haha . I felt kind of bad but I was kind of hoping he would so he would stop talking haha . But he finally stopped and it was just super awkward haha . It was just really quiet and no one really knew what to say . So we were just like , well we 've got to go and got up and left haha . The guy was started to do shots so we thought it was good to get out before he got any crazier haha . It was really cool though caOther than that , everything else has been pretty normal . I love being a missionary . I love it all . The experiences like I had in sacrament meeting yesterday , and even the super awkward ones where drunk guys are yelling at us haha . I can honestly say that I can 't imagine being happier than I am right now . I love sharing this gospel with others and seeing it change their lives . I 'm so thankful for this opportunity that I have to be a missionary and to serve these great people ! I hope you all have a great week ! I 'm sorry again about the email being so short ! I 'll do much much better next week haha . I love you all very much and can 't wait to hear how your weeks go ! Let me know how you all are doing ! I love you all !

I 'm a mother of two and a wife of 1 lol . Originally from England , Right now I am a stay at home mama although I 've worked in numerous childcare positions in the past . My passion is books I can read for hours given the chance . In my free time I product test and write reviews for fun , I also write a blog . We are big soccer fans at my house , We love outdoor advantages such as hiking , biking and attending sporting events . My daughter is a mini me we share a love for all things country ! My husband and I recently joined the gym so fitness is a big part of our day . . Three years ago , Sophie Mercer discovered that she was a witch . It 's gotten her into a few scrapes . Her non - gifted mother has been as supportive as possible , consulting Sophie 's estranged father - - an elusive European warlock - - only when necessary . But when Sophie attracts too much human attention for a prom - night spell gone horribly wrong , it 's her dad who decides her punishment : exile to Hex Hall , an isolated reform school for wayward Prodigium , a . k . a . witches , faeries , and shapeshifters . From the very start of this story I was totally in love with this story . . Sophia ( Sophie ) is incredibly funny and witty , and although her heart is always in the right place her magic doesn 't always go to plan . My favorite line in the whole book is " bad dog " Even though Sophie has a struggle through out the book she does it in humor , I don 't think I read a page without laughing ! Rachel Hawkins 's play on words is genius . The plot was great there are so many twists and turns that keep you guessing until the end . When girls are attacked , everyone wants the truth . Did a coven of witches raise a demon ? Are the vampires really responsible for these attacks ? Jenna the vamp is automatically accused who is Sophie 's only friend . . she starts to work hard to clear her name I hope everybody had a great thanksgiving I spent mine in MA with my husbands family . I like MA but its very cold it feels so much colder then NJ . Black Friday shopping we got a few bits during the day - nothing crazy like the 3am wake up call from the year before . I did try stop by toys r us for there 12am opening but there where like 600 people in line , some had small babies with them too ! I honestly don 't know what some people be thinking . We ate Turkey and Pork it was super Delicious . . . my extra baby weight isn 't going anywhere until after the holidays that 's for sure lol . We also switched Christmas gifts with everybody there ( sophia got her 1st dollie ) since we will be in Florida this year , and not with them . . I am so excited about this years trip ! ! the 1st Christmas I will be spending with my bro in 6yrs ! Ive already done my tree , I did it the day after thanksgiving . . I was in two minds about it since we go to FL very soon but I honestly think I love my tree more then the kids so I couldn 't not put one up ! It looks fabulous if i do say so myself . HOME DEPOT have trees real cheap ! ( my tip of the day lol ) The kids also wrote letters to Santa we took them to Macy 's and posted them in the mail box there , I encourage everybody to do it ! ! for every letter they get they donate a dollar to make a wish foundation . . a very good cause ! Ive also already done two trips to Santa . . . I 'm on the ball thid year ! Its hard getting the perfect picture with one baby and a toddler . This is the books that continues the story of Ash , Seth and Keenan . With summer approaching Ash and Keenan find themselves more drawn to each other because of their bound . Leaving Seth feeling left out and some what jealous of the fact he has to share his gf . Seth goes on a vest trying to find out if he can become Fae , that way he wont be weak and can be with Ash forever . I almost feel bad for Keenan in this book , I mean I get it hes in love with the winter queen but is trying to persuade his summer queen to love him for the sake of the court . I GET IT ! BUT having said that hes still an ass am sorry but hes not the only one who has feelings and the way he kept picking up and dropping the winter queen in this book was horrible ! AND the fact that he knew where Seth was and didn 't tell Ash . . when will this boy learn manipulation will not get you anywhere . You really feel for Seth in this book . He is very aware of Aislinn 's new role as a Fey Queen . He is also very aware of his mortality . Seth struggles to find and keep his place with Aislinn while reassuring himself that she loves only him and not Keenan . In this book he search for a way to maintain that assurance . Niall well I was glad to see him again he is my favorite character . . Marr got the balance of darkness he displays just right . . . a little naughty but just enough so his character doesn 't change too drastically . Hes seriously yummy I think I 'd give my allegiance to the dark court any day ! lol HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MISSING SEASON : IT GOES BY THE NAME AUTUMN , AND LOOKS LIKE THIS Seriously lol this morning I woke up and it was freezing ! ! It truly felt like a winters day - hoodie was on keeping me warm . Does anybody else feel like mother nature is robbing them blind ? I know I do lol . . . I 'm not ready for all the coldness just yet . . Posted by The new peace between the Summer King and the Winter Queen isn 't good for everyone : those of the Dark Court , who feed on faeries ' destructive emotions , are dangerously weakened . Irial , King of the Dark Court , needs a solution , and he finds one in the Summer Queen 's mortal friend Leslie . Tormented by memories of abuse , Leslie wants nothing more than to reclaim her body by getting a tattoo , but the enchanted design she selects provides Irial with a direct link to mortals ' emotions . The tattoo binds Leslie and Irial together even as a third faerie works to prevent their destructive yet seductive connection . I don 't feel this is the case . . . This book is dark but its dealing with the dark court of the fey . The issues that arise in this book are well placed and in context , its important to telling the story . Even the people who were supposed to be looking out for her I feel did it for there own manipulation . Keenan as a character Ive grown to detest ! ! hes sneaky and shady and not true to the person he portrays . . . it really made me so sad to see what he did to Niall in this book . At least with those in the dark court you know what they are they don 't pretend to be anything else . Niall my heart broke for , he was so genuine and fought his own urges to try and keep Leslie safe I feel his love for her was real . He was a fabulous strong male character he didn 't pretend he was perfect , he knew he had faults but he did his best to stay on the right track . I couldn 't get enough of him in this story ! I hope he stays the same . . King Irial , shows us that at least some of these repulsive creatures in his court are capable of great virtue : Irial is a devoted caretaker of his people , capable of true friendship , self - sacrifice , and sensitivity . It is moving when he exhibits these qualities , and then doubly repulsive when he sets them aside . I really don 't know what to feel about him , I didn 't like the things he did . I feel his selfish dark nature was just to powerful for him to be anything else . . . but under it all there were glimpses of positive qualities . I do believe he cared for Leslie but in his own way . I have a hard time forming an opinion about him . . . Leslie needed to make her own way in life . I just hope we hear about these two again . I love this book ! Melissa Marr has a great way of creating a whole world within a novel . Its that time of year again ! ! Christmas is coming fast . . . . and since where in the season of giving and all I wanted to tell you guys about a charity . Since I was a little girl Ive taken part in operation Christmas child . . . make a shoe box - fill it with goodies - give it in to a location - it gets sent to children in countries that go with out . SIMPLE but very worth it ! Is so rewarding and cheap to do . . since i have children of my own now I love the feeling of doing something together that will help others , and what a way to teach a child about giving ! For more info ! ! http : / / www . samaritanspurse . org / index . php / occ I have decided to rid myself of the negativity that surrounds me , the messed up part is its not ever even my drama . My husband and I live peacefully with our two kids and I like it , I 'm not a teenager no more I don 't need to be running around . I also don 't need to listen to things just to keep peace or because I want to keep others sweet . At the end of the day I 'm at the point were I really don 't care who sticks around and who goes , I just don 't need to be weighed down . A positive environment is a positive mind a positive mind is a positive life . Posted by I was about to just stop reading , but I don 't like giving up on a book half read . I am pleased I did stick with it ! after the first 50 or so pages the story really does get better . My main issue was I didn 't really like " father " but he takes a lesser role , It focuses more on Zachary & Miranda . I love how the story was set from two points of view , Zachary is an awesome kick ass angel . Miranda finally finds her feet and I do like the character she becomes . . Life is all about choices and I 'm pleased that she chose the right one . This book is definetly worth the read and I did enjoy it in the end . . even shed a tear , BUT having said that the start of the book really spoiled it for me I feel it could of been written better . 3 & half stars My kids are in major melt down mode . . . this morning Jacob comes into my room : Jacob : mommy where is daddy , what did you do with him ? Me : Hes still at workJacob : oh my gosh mommy my daddy is never coming back all the days ! I 've lost my daddyThen he goes to his room , locks the door . . . and then super woman mom has to get a screw driver to open the door because Jacob gets stuck ! I 'm starting to feel a little like chopped liver lol . Roll on Friday ! who knew dad 's were such hero 's = ) Give me a cape and call me superwoman ! The husband is out of town on business for the week , I am left at home with a 6week old with colic and a 4yr old who is hyped up on Halloween candy . Lord bless me , I don 't know how I have survived so far . . . only 4 more days to go ! It feels so strange we have been together so long ! and the longest I 've gone with out seeing him is when I had to stay in the hospital after giving birth . I feel like I 've lost an arm or something lol . Oh well absents makes the heart grow fonder and all that . Last night I took the kids Trick or Treating , 1 ninja turtle and 1 lady bug . . . It was fun ! He makes me laugh , he came across a grid in the pavemment and said mommy mommy you need to take my picture with this , the turtles live down there LMAO . Bless him ! Its my husbands birthday too on Wednesday and we feel bad hes not going to be here , so I channelled Martha and made him a cake . Happy birthday babe ! ! ! ! ! His eyes . His touch . His kiss . Dante was unlike anyone Abby had ever met . Now he s gone , and Abby will do anything to get him back . . . The hourglass door has closed behind Dante , sending him back in time to hunt down Zo , Tony , and V . Abby knows that Dante , as a Master of Time , is the only one who can stop them from destroying time itself . She also knows that he will need her help . But almost immediately , things start to change , and Abby s worst fears are realized when Zo begins targeting her past specifically . As Abby s world fractures around her , she must face a terrible truth : either Dante did not make it through the door , or he is lost forever . So with Dante s blueprints in hand , she begins construction on a new door , a new time machine that will either save Dante or doom him . With each new change that ripples into her present , Abby s life continues to spiral out of control . Her relationships with Jason , Natalie , and even her family are threatened to the breaking point and beyond . Zo s power is greater than Abby ever imagined , but as she struggles to free Dante , she receives help from an unexpected and unlikely ally . The bank is eroding . The barriers are thinning . And time is running out . I was surprised how the book started - as Zo 's thoughts , but it was good in a way to try and understand his way of thinking he really is all about manipulation . Right from the start you see even his " friends " are a means to an end . They all serve a purpose and are disposable . Val became like an oracle for Abby . Throughout the novel she is telling tales that almost seem to be nonsense until they actually happen in Abby 's life . The intent of Valerie is still not clear , she seems to be on Abby 's side at some points in the book and then at other points she flips a switch and Zo becomes her world & the only thing that is important to her , maybe it has to do with the fear she has of him . I enjoyed a lot reading these parts especially while trying to pick up clues to what was going to happen next . . . I was really impressed with the angle Lisa Mangum used . She has created a truly unique world where time and reality can be controlled . I love Leo I am not sure why when I think of him I think of Leo from the show charmed . I find him yummy honestly , and the talking in Italian the way he does adds a nice touch . He is a man with 500 years worth of wisdom in a young mans body . . The only issue I sort of had was that it took so long to get him out of the door ! Almost too long . . with Abby loosing her friends and family , memories being changed . I was kind of left wondering when he was going to finally show up and save the day lol . YAY for me ! ! ! I entered a contest given by heather http : / / blameitonthefullmoon . blogspot . com / ( add her ! great blog & awesome book reviews ) I was one of the runners up - how exciting , go me go me ! Ive never won anything like ever . . . maybe I got lady luck on my side : ) I think am going to play the lotto test the theory lol . Posted by My husband and I have a major dilemma ! We love our little sweet treats . . cakes , doughnuts , cookies . BUT the bakery in our town has mean rude staff , not to mention we ordered my sons 2nd birthday cake there and it wasn 't at all what I ordered . When I complained she basically give me attitude and as I really needed the cake and was out of time I had to take it . . sigh . Today my husband came in and said the same thing the lady was so rude to him . We could like to black list them . . . but the dilemma being WE LOVE OUR TREATS TO MUCH ! What should we do ? I 'm weak I tell you ! A heffa in skinny girls body . I loved The Dark Divine ! so when I read this I just had to share it with you guys . . . I think I love the novel even more knowing where the story came from : ) Author Bree Despain shares the personal tale about the " what if " that inspired her series starter , The Dark Divine . When I was little , one of my best friends was a boy who lived down the street from me . We spent hours together climbing in apricot trees , playing soccer , and letting our imaginations run wild . He was mischievous , always looking for ways to tease me - or trying to trick me into kissing him . However , in the second grade , his family moved across the country and we parted ways . Several years later , I 'd all but forgotten about my old friend when I walked into my ninth - grade history class , and was shocked to find a new guy sitting in the seat behind mine . In my quiet suburban neighborhood , this guy looked like Breetrouble with his long hair and torn clothes . I couldn 't see his face , and the idea of sitting near him made me nervous . I took my seat , reassuring myself that if I didn 't bother him , he wouldn 't bother me . Except , the second I sat down , he started hassling me with obnoxious questions about my life . After I 'd had enough , I turned around and snapped , " Who the hell do you think you are ? " He looked up at me and said , " So you don 't recognize me , then ? " I looked at his eyes - the only thing still recognizable about him - and gasped . This frightening boy was my old best friend . I was so shocked ; all I could say to him was his name before our teacher started class . And that 's all I ever I got to say to him . . . because he got kicked out of class before it was over , and ultimately was expelled from school by the end of the day . I never saw him again . For years , this memory haunted me . I wondered what had happened to my old friend to change him so much . I wondered what might have happened to him , to me , to us , if he hadn 't disappeared again . Could I have helped him somehow ? But eventually , the memory faded away . Several years pasPosted by Nora should have know her life was far from perfect . Despite starting a relationship with her guardian angel , Patch ( who , title aside , can be described anything but angelic ) , and surviving an attempt on her life , things are not looking up . Patch is starting to pull away and Nora can 't figure out if it 's for her best interest or if his interest has shifted to her arch - enemy Marcie Millar . Not to mention that Nora is haunted by images of her father and she becomes obsessed with finding out what really happened to him that night he left for Portland and never came home . The farther Nora delves into the mystery of her father 's death , the more she comes to question if her Nephilim blood line has something to do with it as well as why she seems to be in danger more than the average girl . Since Patch isn 't answering her questions and seems to be standing in her way , she has to start finding the answers on her own . Relying too heavily on the fact that she has a guardian angel puts Nora at risk again and again . But can she really count on Patch or is he hiding secrets darker than she can even imagine ? My opinion . I was extremely excited for this second book and it did not fail to impress me . I love this book just as much as the first . . Becca Fitzpatrick is fastly becoming my favorite Author . I enjoy her writing style and the fact that all her characters are thought through . Patch is a great mix of everything yummy . . . seriously . I like his relationship with Nora I love that he can be dark and naughty while caring and loving with Nora . We meet new characters in this book which really do add to the story . . Rixon , Scott & Marcie . While Scott was seen as the Bad one . . it turns out he is just misunderstood . . always look out for the wolf in sheep 's clothing ! ! ! Vee is one of my most favorite people she and Nora made me laugh so many times with the situations they get themselves into . . but it really makes great readingI liked that the novel wasn 't lovey dovey all the way through that can get a little boring . . true to form Fitzpatrick is gPosted by I have come to the conclusion I am a main character book whore . Seriously I love so many male characters in books I read , Ive have forever branded myself a book whore . Just when I think a character couldn 't be any more irresistible i move onto the next and the next and the next . . . could i be more fickle ! ! anyways I have now got a list as long as my arm ! but Ive put these dreamy Mr perfects on the short list : Edward Cullen - TwilightEric northmen - Sookie Stakehouse novelsJericho Barrons - Fever booksV ' lane - Fever booksJace - The mortal InstrumentsPatch - Hush hush , CrescendoDante Alexander - Hourglass doorDamen - The immortalsLucas - Ever night seriesAsh - Night worldDamen and Stefan Salvator ( haven 't decided between these two as yet lol ) The list could truly go on and on . . . . so who made your short list ? ? I am writing in purple to honour spirit day ! Lately its been on the news a lot about young people who have committed suicide due to bullying . . Bullying of any form is wrong whether its due to sexuality or race , gender or a million other reasons . Its sad these people didn 't feel they could speak up ! ! We are in 2010 differences should be celebrated and not persecuted . I have two children and I am actually scared for the day they start school in case these horrible things happen to them , that just isn 't right in my eyes . Futhermore Gays should be able to fight for there country without having to hide who they are like its a shameful thing ! ! Join in the fight to stop bullies ! ! Halloween is around the corner and Jacob is already so excited ! I actually love the whole trick or treating fun . This year I am even more excited since it will be Sophia 's 1st holiday , the costumes are at the ready ones a ninja turtle while the other is a Lady bug ! This weekend we went pumpkin picking . . so much fun . I love love love the foods sold in those little farm stores . . home made dough - nuts , apple cider and cookies ! yummmmmy . I keep forgetting Melissa your not pregnant any more hence WATCH THE CALORIES LOL . Ah I 'll worry about it after the 31st , because I 'd be lying if i said i wasn 't going to eat a bunch of Halloween candy : ) I am in love ! ! ! with a boy named Dante Alexander lol . The 1st book Ive read since given birth ( time has been limited ) but it was recommended to me a long time ago ( by heather , thanks ) I just came across it . . The hourglass door by Lisa Mangum , I loved the book read it in a matter of days . . it reminded me of hush hush by Becca Fitzpatrick with a mix of Alyson noels immortals series . It was the first book in a while that Ive read which hasn 't followed the trend of vampires , werewolves or Angels . . . but broke the mold with time travel ! ! ! Kudos . From the cover alone I know i wanted to eat up this book , it has a sexy little caption " his past , her future . Can love bring them together in time ? " WHO WOULDN ' T LOVE THAT ! I couldn 't get out of the store fast enough with book in hand . I truly liked Abby as a main character a lot of novels lately have had sappy girls who don 't listen and make stupid choices leaving me frustrated . Didn 't feel like that about Abby . . . Val on the other hand was annoying as can be ! but i guess she served a purpose in the story . Dante was dreamy and I even liked Leo ! ! yummy Italians LOL : ) I loved that we got glimpses of history and past lives , it really give the story depth . Would totally recommend this to any YA book fan . . can not wait to read the next installment . Posted by I haven 't blogged in the longest time ! ! why ? Well because I gave birth ! September 15th I gave birth to my fabulous little girl Sophia . . . recovery from my c section was harder then I thought , especially while juggling two children , Thank god for my prescription for pain medication lol . I finally think I 'm getting the hang of it now although its been tough going . . I most definitely forgot how difficult the sleepless nights are lol . My son adores his new sister : ) hes so great with her and this was a surprise since hes been an only child for the past 4yrs . YES my son also turned 4 ! ! he has so much fun at his birthday celebrations . . . Rainforest 's Cafe ! loved it , and no clean up . So Ive been busy busy busy . I haven 't had much time to read : ( Just before I gave birth I read some really good books though : Claudia Gray - Ever night series . . I really liked these books ! ! 4 out of 5 cant wait for the next book to come out . Bree Despain - The Dark divine - This was for sure a surprise for me I truly enjoyed this book , I wasn 't sure at first since it was about a pastors family but the story had me interested from the start . 5 0ut of 5 ! I haven 't blogged in a while and its not because nothing has been going on because it has . . . lots in fact . Its just I 'm coming to the end of my pregnancy and its becoming very blah ! I 'm as big as a house and feeling every pain . I truly want to hibernate as like a bear lol . My focus isn 't great BABY BRAIN in top form . With 30 days to go I am getting very excited . . . will I remember how to deal with a newborn ? Ive asked myself so many times lol . Jacob seems to be taking everything in his stride he has his moments like any 3yr old but I cant wait to see how he reacts to her . I actually managed to get Dony to a photo studio with me . . . I amaze myself ! go me , yay ! Description : Partnered in biology with new student Patch , 16 - year - old Nora Gray starts seeing things she cannot explain . At first she 's both drawn and repelled by her lab partner , but when she sees V - shaped scars on his back , Nora learns Patch is fighting an ancient battle between the fallen and the immortal . My Opinion : It 's been a while since Ive read a book and said WOW . I love this book ! ! it 's extremely well written . . the love tension with the element of mystery was the right balance . I have to say I didn 't really guess the bad guy . . . but " Miss Green " did have me wondering about her character from the start . I really liked Nora I thought she made a wonderful main character , although I wasn 't overly fond of her name . . kind of left me saying blah . Patch is amazing hes the right amount of jack ass you need to get to know . He reminds me a lot of Ash from the L . J smith books but with a little more to him . If you only read one book this year then this would be it ! ! ! 5 out of 5I cant wait for Crescendo out October 19th . Posted by Kids ' thoughts on love and the proper age to get married ( great for wedding speeches ) : • " Eighty - four , because at that age , you don 't have to work anymore , and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom . " ( Judy , 8 ) • " Once I 'm done with kindergarten , I 'm going to find me a wife . " ( Tom , 5 ) What do people do on a first date ? This is an especially funny quote about love : • " On the first date , they just tell each other lies , and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date . " ( Mike , 9 ) Kids ' thoughts on love and when it 's okay to kiss someone ( good for anniversary toasts ! ) : • " You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR , cause she 'll want to have videos of the wedding . " ( Jim , 10 ) • " Never kiss in front of other people . It 's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you . But if nobody sees you , I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy , but just for a few hours . " ( Kally , 9 ) • " It 's never okay to kiss a boy . They always slobber all over you . . . that 's why I stopped doing it . " ( Jean , 10 ) Is it better to be single or married ? This is a funny quote about love : • " It 's better for girls to be single but not for boys . Boys need somebody to clean up after them . " ( Lynette , 9 ) • " It gives me a headache to think about that stuff . I 'm just a kid . I don 't need that kind of trouble . " ( Kenny , 7 ) Kids ' thoughts on love and why it happens between two particular people : • " No one is sure why it happens , but I heard it has something to do with how you smell . That 's why perfume and deodorant are so popular . " ( Jan , 9 ) • " I think you 're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something , but the rest of it isn 't supposed to be so painful . " ( Harlen , 8 ) The question , " What 's falling in love like ? " can reveal funny quotes about love : • " Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life . " ( Roger , 9 ) • " If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell , I don 't want to do it . It takes too long . " ( Leo , 7 ) Kids ' thoughts on love and good looks : • " IPosted by Description : While in Memphis , psychic Harper Connelly senses - - and finds - - two bodies in a grave . One is of a man centuries - dead . The other , a recently deceased girl . Harper 's investigation yields another surprise : the next morning , a third body is found - - in the very same grave . My opinion : This book is the 2ND in the Harper Connelly Series . It was a good book full of interesting and well developed characters , It 's a mystery that will keep you guessing until the end . I love it has that other world fantasy aspect which is away from the citch of vampires etc . It was well thought out , every character had a role to play and it wasn 't confusing trying to keep up as some mysteries are . Charlaine is always consistent with her writing which I love it has that same charm as her other work in the past . Harper is an interesting and likable character I like the glimpses we get into her upbringing , the relationship she has with Tolliver will keep you wondering about them for sure . I look forward to reading more of these books 4out of 5 Tate Hallaway : Garnet Lacey is a witch with a past shes quit magic cold turkey since summoning the goddess Lilith in a time of much need . Only problem is the Goddess now lives inside of her ! Running from Vatican witch hunters which isn 't easy she meets Sebastian who without an aura is so undoubtedly dead but so sexy . . . I guess it all spells trouble . My Opinion : This is the 1st book in a series , its far from a heavy reading book . Its not going to make an impact and it probably wont stay with you . Its a book that 's a light quick read to pass the time on a summers day when you have nothing better to do but to relax . There wasn 't anything I didn 't like about the book I did in fact enjoy it . . . but I wasn 't really hooked . It had some funny moments and the characters are enjoyable . . Parrish was my favorite he livened up the story a lot , and innocent dorky William was a fun element . If you come across it its worth a read . 3 out of 5 I 'm now 30 weeks pregnant and at 38 weeks I am going to have a C - section . This wasn 't by choice but from medical opinion . Ive been to see 2 doctors who told me the same thing , during my 1st labor which was natural my son got stuck in my pelvis so after 10 + of labor and 2hrs + of pushing they used the vacuum to pull him out . In doing this I suffered a lot of muscle damage and nerve damage . If I was to have a natural birth this time it would put a lot of strain on my baby as well as cause even more damage to me resulting in surgery anyways . It seems when people hear I 'm having a C - section they all have opinions ! so far Ive heardReal women don 't have C - sections . . . REALLY Real women take care of there children Real women put the well being and health of there child first . This is what I 'm doing ! Why would opt for a C - section its lazy . . . Nothing about child birth is " easy " which ever way you do it . I didn 't opt for anything it wasn 't a choice i had . I cant really say I 'm looking forward to getting my gut cut open while being awake . . . but that 's a stroll in the park right . Then there is the people who love to share the horror stories , I was out at a festival last weekend when a woman i didn 't know thought it was her responsibility to give me her opinion . Comments made : Its so much more worse then giving birth naturallyDon 't take pain meds or they wont leave the baby with youThey strap you to the bedyou wont be able to stand straight for 3 monthsHELLO do i need to know this stuff really all these people are now doctors . . . more like DR no MD . some people are so ignorant ! Really stop talking if it was so easy we would all be doctoring and have masters . Posted by Kissed by an angel : Elizabeth ChandlerWhen Ivy 's boyfriend dies in a car accident they where both in , shes left desolate alone and confused with out him . Until she learns he hasn 't left her in fact hes an angel watching over her trying to keep her safe from harm . Tristan has a mission to keep Ivy safe from danger this is his purpose on earth . Somebody is trying to kill Ivy , but once his mission is over does that mean the love they share is also over ? My Opinion : This book is close to 700 pages long and I read it in two days ! I loved everything about this book . It contains a little bit of everything you could possibly want in a story , suspenseful and romantic . . it really kept me guessing at times , I doubted so many of the characters at times . What I like about Chandlers writing is she doesn 't forget about any of her characters , they all bring something to the table . Philip was my favorite character he was extremely well written for a 9yr old boy , stubborn and wistful . Gregory was a brilliant villain it wasn 't know right away but there was something not right and creepy about him through out which made you hate him . . . . which I think was the point . With so many things going on through out the book and so many characters I was worried about the ending but she brought everything together beautifully . The only down side for me was I thought Ivy should of figured out Gregory way before she did , it was frustrating and the way she was feeling for him made me cringe . Second I hoped we would of seen something better happen for Lacy then it did . On the whole I definitely recommend it , its a 5 out of 5 for me ! and I will surely be checking out more Elizabeth Chandler books This book is about the 2nd life of Bree Tanner , a young vampire made to be a part of Victoria 's army in her war against the Cullen 's . Stephenie Meyer has a unique style a thorough style of writing which I truly enjoy I am never left feeling anything is missing . The Bree Tanner story just adds another level to the twilight saga . . in the other books we don 't hear about the Newborns side of the story . This book gives us a lot of insight I enjoying reading about the inner struggles of Bree , and the manipulation of the other vampires . I wished there would of been more Bree and Diego 's relationship they had an element of Bella & Edward . If Bree and Diego would of lived I believe they would of been a good edition to the Cullen clan . We always knew The Voltori had there own plan but we actually see how under handed they are , my favorite part of the story was hearing that Bree was able to tell Edward everything she needed to before her final death . I originally thought this book was going to be over kill after all Bree was such a small character in the saga . I was wrong this book told the story from another point of view and definitely worth the read for any twilight fan 4 * out of 5 ABOUT : In Noel 's most darkly seductive Immortals novel yet , Ever fights for control of her body , her soul - - and the timeless true love she 's been chasing for centuries . In shadow land we see Ever dabble with magic she doesn 't understand and how it back fires big time . Dark Flame is about her finding a way to fix the mess she has created , while trying to teach Haven all about being an immortal . Dark Flame is a story of somebody loosing control and letting there dark side take control . IN MY OPINION : After the way shadow land ended I was highly frustrated ! I felt like nothing changed nothing was new and it really annoyed me . Dark flame is definitely worth the read we see different sides to characters which make us understand them better . I no long hate roman with a passion lol ! Ever continues her slightly misguided ways , determined to finish things already set in motion in earlier books . She has the same determination and generally positive her way is the right one . The latter has been one thing that has bothered me through the books though it does strike true to her character . In Dark Flame , however , Ever goes through tremendous personal growth , finally showing strong development that her character has resisted in previous books . This 4th book I personally feel did make the story better and stronger , I certainly don 't feel the same as when I finished the 3rd book , this series isn 't a fast paced fast answer type so if you read it your in for the long haul . . I am still not convinced about the story honestly , we will see . NIGHT STAR OUT WINTER 2010 over all 3 out of 5 ABOUT : In ECLIPSE , Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge . In the midst of it all , she is forced to choose between her love for Edward and her friendship with Jacob - - knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the ageless struggle between vampire and werewolf . With her graduation quickly approaching , Bella is confronted with the most important decision of her life . MY OPINION : I loved the movie ! ! It was awesome I think best of the 3 so far , it contained a lot of the book which was great . It also had a lot of its funny quirky one liners that make the twilight movies ! You got to see some of the Cullen 's past human lives , the special effects were GREAT ! I love love love how they look as if there running like 100mph lol . The fight scene was awesome very graphic , lots of back flips and kick ass movies . . And for all us romantics there was lots more touchy feely between Edward and Bella . . oh and Jacob is shirtless for 90 % of the movie lol . Total AAAAAA , a must see for any fan So I finally finishes Vampire Diaries THE RETURN : SHADOWS SOULSDescription : On the run . . . Elena Gilbert 's love , the vampire Stefan Salvatore , has been captured and imprisoned by demonic spirits who are wreaking havoc in Fell 's Church . While her friends Bonnie and Meredith explore the evil that has taken over their town , Elena goes in search of Stefan . In order to find him , she entrusts her life to Stefan 's brother , Damon Salvatore , the handsome but deadly vampire who wants Elena , body and soul . Along with her childhood friend Matt , they set out for the slums of the Dark Dimension , where Stefan is being held captive . It is rumored to be a world where vampires and demons roam free , but humans must live enslaved to their supernatural masters . . . . Elena will stop at nothing to free Stefan . Yet with each passing day the tension between Elena and Damon grows , and she is faced with a terrible decision : Which brother does she really want ? Back in Fell 's Church , Bonnie and Meredith have made some dire discoveries . They hastily try to follow Elena and warn her - only to be caught up in Elena 's most dangerous adventure yet . My Opinion : This book took me a long time to read , I am usually a very fast reader . I wasn 't overly excited about starting the book because the last book actually left me in two minds . . I don 't hate it , but I 'm not in love with it . I find the books very strange indeed , L . J 's writing throws me . I love that the story is more about Damon , the other books were always Elena and Stefan , Elena and Stefan it was getting tiresome . I wanted to know more about Damon other than the fact hes the " bad " brother . Which in this book I did ! He fights for Elena , keeps his word , and has his own inner struggles . He is loyal although not perfect he does show he cares about a lot of things , I was left feeling like he got a raw deal I actually felt bad for him . Elena I can not stand , through out the book she 's referred to as " pure " " white " " innocent " shes none of those things ! ! at every stage she was playing Damon 's feelings but bPosted by Today I had to go to have my pregnancy glucose test , I have to say this isn 't pleasant . First of all you have to fast you can 't eat or drink anything for 12hours ! Now who ever told anybody it was a good idea to take food away from a pregnant woman for 12 hours is CRAZY ! lol . I was utterly miserable I think I went to bed at 8 o ' clock last night so I didn 't have to think about it . Watching my son eating this morning was evil torture . I got the earliest appointment at the lab I could so I wouldn 't be hanging around all day . They make you drink a bottle of glucose which they swear tastes like oranges . FYI they lie ! its like pure sugar and it leaves a film over your mouth after drinking it . Having had nothing in my stomach I felt like I was going to puke everywhere . After you drink this evil concoction they make you wait an hour to take your blood . AND STILL NO EATING ! By the time I got out of the lab I was basically crawling across the parking lot ready to pass out . God bless dunkin donuts and there multi grain cream cheese bagel . Oh how I love you your a legend : ) Every night I read to my 3 year old son . Recently I bought him a book of fairy tales by Brother Grimm . I didn 't really ever pay any mind to tales before , I thought every fairy tale has a good positive moral for a child to learn . However after reading Hansel and Gretel to my son it made me stop and think ! This story is about a Father who leaves his kids in the woods because his new wife says there isn 't enough food for them all . The kids find food at an evil witches house who wants to cook them . They escape after killing the witch and head home with there goodies , to find there Father who is so pleased to see them because his wife actually up and left him and he was alone and hungry . SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT LOL . . . this story is about Abandonment , Famine and poor parenting . and these stories are meant to be good ? I mean I 'm failing to see the positive side . Posted by Today the boys and I went to the Patriots vs Newark baseball match . The tickets where given to us by the people Dony works for , it was a function type thing . As it was Fathers day Dony & Jacob got to go play ball on the field before the game . They had so much fun , as for me well lol . . it was 100 + today I 'm definitely looking like Mr Crabs from sponge bob ! I can safely say I am not a baseball fan I find it very slow and who wants to sit in the sun for 3hrs ! ! Give me a fast paced soccer game any day of the week : ) BUT the boys had a great time and that 's all that really matters . . . Now all 's I want to do is layer myself in aloe and lay in bed reading my book , YEA its the same one ! I know its taking me FOREVER to read ! Posted by Happy Fathers day to all the daddy 's out there ! ! ! And to all those who play a father role in somebodies life because a dad isn 't somebody who has the same DNA only , but somebody who is there all the time at every stage of there child 's life . Dony we love you and your a great dad . . have a great day babe . . luv you mucho Posted by The season 3 premier of True blood was last night what did everybody think ? ? Was it worth the year wait ! I personally loved the whole lot of Eric we got to see lol . I wasn 't too sure about the whole Sam - Bill shower thing . I love Pam very true to form and her tittle tattle with Lafayette makes me laugh . . I think Evan Rachel Wood makes a great Sophie - Anne I wasn 't sure at first since all her other movies she looked so much like a little girl , but having seen her in last nights episode , she plays the part well enough . Really what is wrong with children these days ! I have just watched two 4yr olds gang up on my 3yr old son , and when I asked them why they where being mean to him , he said because his older brother told him not to play with my son . Which is fine you cant make kids play together but these kids are always stealing my baby 's toys and trying to beat on him . So I got mad and told them if I see them being mean or hitting on my son again they will be sorry . . . . I mean why would I even bother going to speak to there moms any mom that leaves there 4yr old child outside to play alone all day long clearly doesn 't give a damn . They might as well be getting raised by wolves ! BUT then one of the moms come out and takes there kid inside as though there the innocent party . . . . lord have mercy ! ! ! because I can 't stand it . ANYWAYSSo I haven 't read much due to the world cup lol . God I love my soccer ! I think I might possibly give birth early by the time the world cup finishes ! Today finished group A all with a point each . . . anyways I did however pick up the latest vampire diaries book . . . ugh so what can I say ? well not much as Ive only read the first 2 chapters but I 'm normally a fast reader and when I get into a book I cant put it down , I don 't get this feeling with this book . I don 't know I am not a huge fan of L . J smiths writing . Elena seems to be the same spoilt shallow girl she always has been . Maybe I am Judging too soon we will see . On the positive true blood is back this week ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! so excited I love the show just as much as the books . Although the show isn 't exactly the same its very close , like Alan ball says if something isn 't broke why try fix it . In this case I have to agree , and although the books aren 't the greatest ever written I love them . . . Mrs Harris is quirky , funny and sexy . They are fast and enjoyable reads and I find myself waiting all year round for the next book . A must read for any trubbie . A summer filled of team Eric i can hardly contain myself . . . for those who don 't have HBO you can catch up with Posted by The world cup 2010 is here ! and although I am excited because we are huge soccer fans in my house I 'm also a little apprehensive . Who thought South Africa was a good place to hold such an event ? 1 , All of there arena 's where not finished by the deadlines given . 2 , Africa is a place which is fighting with itself . 3 , There has already been violence ! friendly games cancelled because of " fans " storming the games and fighting . 4 , The Colombian team . . which is a poorer team by the way has already been robbed ! 5 , There has been terrorist plans found for the USA vs ENGLAND game and who thought it was a good idea to put the two countries in the war playing in the same group ! In my opinion fifa was asking a lot from a country which has a lot of issues . Its just like painting a red bulls eye target on everybody . The question is if I , an everyday person can see these issues why haven 't the people in power ? Here is to a peaceful world cup ! HEY ! this is my first blog , lets hope I will be able to keep this one going . I have a bad habit of starting them and getting bored ! We will see how long this one lasts . . I 'm not a GREAT blogger nor do i claim to be my spelling sucks and i love using ! ! ! all over the place which is probably making a mess of the English language and sending many people into a stroke LOL but oh well blogs are meant to be fun and not a university essay . I intend to write about the goings on in my sometimes crazy hectic life , things I like & things I don 't . so . . . I have just read the first 3 books in the immortals series by Alyson Noel . Evermore - Since her horrible accident 16yr old Ever is able to hear peoples thoughts and see peoples aura 's . She goes out of her way to avoid people hiding herself behind hoodies and baggy clothes . Until the new kid at school changes everything , she feels like she knows him but can 't think how . Hes sexy wealthy and everybody wants to know him , he can make things disappear and reappear . While hes around he is able to silence the constant noise in her head , and why is it he seems to know what shes thinking ? she doesn 't know who or what exactly he is . Bluemoon - Ever is learning all about being immortal with Damon 's help to show her the way . There is a new kid in school Roman who Ever can 't help but feel negative about , there is something creepy about him . When the whole school starts acting weird including Damon she knows she has to do something before its too late . Damon is getting sick and Ever needs to travel to summerland to find the answers . When given the chance to go back in time and see her parents or stay with Damon its a choice she has a hard time making . . but will the choice she makes put everything back in balance ? Shadowland - A curse falls on Damon he can not touch Ever in any way it really is a matter of life or death . While in search for the cure Ever begins to work at a magic store where she meets Jude . Although they have only just met he seems very familiar to her , although she knows Damon isPosted by

Maybe the other person 's behavior is intolerable , but when we use their behavior to justify being intolerable ourselves , we mold ourselves into that same ugliness we are trying to change . To continue having a bad attitude because " someone did something you didn 't like " will only end up with us hating ourselves . We slowly become more and more like the person we despise . When we do not like ourselves , all we get is unhappiness , bitterness , loneliness , and neediness . So if you think about it , KINDNESS and LOVE always win . It was about 6 years ago that I was , on a daily basis , exchanging hateful emails with my older son 's father about the divorce and custody issues . Sadly , we spent 5 whole years battling each other in what felt like an endless litigation and tens of thousands of dollars . The result was completely broken trust , hostility , and a very negative and hateful image of the other person . What once brought us together was tearing us apart , and the only one suffering the consequences was that precious thing in the middle - our son ( but we couldn 't see that because our anger and fear was blinding us ) . I could write pages and pages about the hateful back and forth we had for so many years , but I won 't . To summarize , it was two very bitter demons threatening and being defensive and overly reactive . Things were so bad , we had a court - ordered co - parenting therapist come between us to help us communicate , and even one year of that wasn 't bringing us anywhere closer to cooperating or co - parenting . Sadly , out of lack of trust and a deep hatred toward the other party , we signed our 30 - page court order , and several stipulations and motions later , we were on our way to litigation - free co - parenting . It was a rocky transition , living without having our attorneys as the go - between . It required us to … ( gasp ! ) communicate . Living with such a build up of animosity toward each other , for the first year , we didn 't have the capability of communicating , because everything that came off our tongue was laced in mistrust , anger , and fear . It was easier to just live off the " rules " ( the court orders , motions , and stipulations ) . It wasn 't until nearly 2 years later that we were able to be flexible when we couldn 't . What changed ? We stopped seeing each other as the enemy and started ( FINALLY ! ) seeing each other as our son 's " other parent " . But more than that , we started really understanding that the only victim in any of this was not ourselves , but our son . That was hard because for the first several years we didn 't see each other as " the other parent , " but as " that horrible parent - wannabe that doesn 't deserve to breathe on this earth " . For a long time , both of us were rationalizing our own bitterness and defensive mechanisms as simply " protecting MY son " from " that evil person " . Changing that image was dependent on letting go of our pain , our sad stories , and broken expectations , as well as forgiving the words and behaviors that we couldn 't see were rooted deep in resentment and fear . While letting go didn 't come without a fight , slowly , little by little , we let go . The awkward and humbling feeling of accepting that maybe it wasn 't just the other person … but maybe I was also responsible for the hostility and inability to co - parent . What got me thinking , was , at one mediation appointment , the mediator said , " you can 't come to every decision with an automatic NO in your mind . You have to approach everything with an expectation of saying yes , and then consider what implications that ' yes ' could have . " The point wasn 't to be a pushover and say yes to everything , but to get us out of our habit as seeing the other person as the enemy and train our minds to WANT to cooperate and co - parent , even if we don 't get things exactly the way we want , and even if it means we have to be a little uncomfortable with the other person parenting in a way that we don 't see " to our standards " . Of course we have to consider safety . If the other partner is abusive , we are not going to jump into a " yes ! " Fortunately , for me , my son 's father was not abusive ( for clarification purposes , my current husband IS , but not my ex ) . Eventually , we became flexible on things such as make - up days , exchange locations , and who buys clothes and shoes this time . Flexibility turned into cooperation , and cooperation turned into co - parenting . Co - parenting rebuilt the respect and trust we had toward the other parent . When I went through this most recent separation with my " new " husband , my " ex " was even supportive and helped in many ways like bringing dinners to the house so I didn 't have to cook , taking the dogs every other weekend so that I wouldn 't have to worry about walking them with the kids , and even providing emotional support with words like , " you 're a great mom to the kids " and " I 'm sorry you 're going through that … I wish you could have made it work out … " Still , 6 years of hostility and litigation tends to leave a bit of a scar . We still struggle with fully trusting the other parent , but our intentions are there , and the bigger picture is clear : It 's not about us , it 's about the kids . We both just want the best for our son . We both want to be an important part of our son 's life . We both want happiness and peace for ourselves as well . How we go about that may be different , but it should NEVER come at the cost of our son having to witness his two most favorite and important people in the world being unable to get along and co - parent . Now , I 'm stuck reflecting on those days in bitter litigation from the ending of my first marriage . I move forward in what feels like a re - run from the past , forced to communicate with my current husband about our pending divorce and our baby 's future . What kind of child custody schedule will we have ? How do we communicate ? What part am I playing in preventing a positive co - parenting for him ? I have days when I wish I could just stop all of this and beg for my marriage back . I miss my husband , I miss our family . Unfortunately , the reality is he loved his addictions more than he loved me . He loved his addictions more than he loved the idea of having a family . That comes with tremendous sadness and the feeling of rejection , neglect , and abandonment … I was tempted to see my husband as the enemy . I was tempted to put all the flaws I saw in him as my husband ( and human ) on him as a father . If only he could get sober ! If only … If only we could find a way to save our marriage … But the truth is , as much as I loved this man , the man I loved was too deep into his addictions to know , see , or want anything different than his choice of lifestyle . His addictions caused him to be abusive , angry , and neck deep engaged in dangerous sexual activities , alcohol , and gambling . And if he was that same person when our baby was under his custody , I would never know . Unfortunately , California Family Law doesn 't see a problem in that . This was the only place I had my power . This was the only place I could make a difference in my children 's life . The more I look back on the years I spent in litigation on the first divorce , the more I realize that it simply wasn 't worth it . I will never return to a loveless marriage , and I will never go back to my ex - husband , but what I learned out of the 6 - year hell of litigation was that eventually all those angry bitter feelings go away and you are left with the reality of … what purpose did it serve ? What purpose did it serve the kids ? What message did it send the kids ? What kind of skills did we teach them in building healthy relationships ? What messages did we send to them about love ? Family ? Resilience ? Forgiveness ? Sadly , addiction is a disease that has the power to completely wipe out any rational thinking . Addiction is the escape hatch from accountability and responsibility . It 's so powerful that it can kill your opportunity for ever really feeling any kind of meaningful loving relationship and it will tear at your soul with guilt , shame , and regret . But deep down inside that sad and confused soul is someone who just wants to be loved . I realize now that so long as I see my husband as an enemy , my behavior and attitude toward him will reflect that . Deep down , I do genuinely fear the safety of my baby when in his custody . I worry about the exposure he has to my husbands endless line of prostitutes and escorts , his over consumption of alcohol , driving under the influence , and his reckless gambling . I genuinely fear for my baby 's life , physical , and psychological well - being . But like it or not , California Family Law generously puts the children 's lives equally in both parent 's hands , and in this case , I have no other choice but to pray to God that he will be ok … My power , unfortunately , does not lie in trying to force California Family Law to change their policies . It lies in being the best role model I can be for these kids . One day , I hope to have the same cooperative , supportive , co - parenting relationship I have with my first husband with my current husband . Sadly , my husband doesn 't have to be cooperative or feel the same . He can continue to be , think , and believe what he does . We cannot control a lot of things , and that can be VERY SCARY and uncomfortable a lot of the time . That is an extremely difficult pill to swallow , especially as a protective mommy . But I have hope that regardless of what my husband chooses to do in front of our baby , love will endure . Hope will endure . Goodness will endure . I have no other choice but to hope . The sooner I can take my part of this co - parenting role into a positive place , perhaps it will pave the way for the other parent to follow . And even if it doesn 't , I will have set an example for my children . The new audio book " The Book of Joy " about Desmund Tutu and the Dalai Lama ( by Douglas Carlton ) came out and I 've been listening to it on my long commutes to and from work . This morning they spoke of the famous " Golden Rule " ( treat others how you want to be treated ) but expanded on it . The topic was about how suffering often leads to joy , and those that have little suffers , tend to complain more and not have much joy . They spoke of how those that suffer ( and grow from it ) tend to be more capable of maintaining calm in the midst of chaos , and it is this calmness that helps others find calm as well . To clear myself from any resentment and negative feelings about the loss of my marriage , I have been praying every morning and night for my husband . Although he has left me , I pray that he gets everything he wants , and that he has lasting inner peace , profound joy , and an abundance of unconditional love . This thought did NOT come natural , and for the first few days , it was just " fake it till you make it " . My anger and hurt were too strong for me to actually feel that sincerely . Now , several weeks in , I can say I truly do wish that he receives everything he could possibly desire , and that he is head deep in inner peace , full of joy , and receiving true unconditional love . Why ? Because he needs it ! " Love wishes the real happiness of the beloved . It is a partner to compassion , which wishes the beloved not to suffer . If you think about it , it is highly rational to love our enemies , with LOVE defined as wanting them to be really happy . They are only our enemies because they think of us as preventing their happiness . If they become really happy without having to get us out of their way , then they will not bother being our enemies anymore . The more happiness they feel , they might actually come to love us … . or at least leave us alone . " Yes … This is what I wanted . If he couldn 't love me , at least I could hope that his happiness would be so overly abundant that he would no longer wish to hurt me , verbally attack me , and continue hurting himself and exposing our baby to his sex , alcohol , and gambling addictions ( and the emotional negative repercussions that spew out of them ) . If he was truly happy , would he even want to have those dangerous and hurtful addictions ? I bet he wouldn 't … This thought process , connected with the " Golden Rule " got me thinking : If my husband saw me as the enemy , someone who had taken from him what was so important to him ( to get a green card ) was there some way I could some how get out of that " enemy spot light " he held me under ? What in my behavior was contributing to his thinking that I had literally ruined his life ? Granted , there are some things that just won 't change , like his narcissistic thinking that actually believes that me choosing divorce instead of staying in a sham marriage and accepting his cheating and lying was somehow an unloving thing for me to do . That aside , there had to be some way in which my choice of words , or my " method of communication " was coming off , to him , as insulting and offensive . Could there be a way in which we both were " winners " ? I . e . , can I say what needs to be said in a way that he doesn 't feel like I 'm attacking him ? " I 'm responsible for what I say , not for what you understand " While this opens the door for me to say what is in my heart , it still remains a very hefty burden . We should always be mindful about what we say . Sometimes it 's not necessary . Sometimes it is not helpful . And sometimes , while we may believe it , it may not be absolutely true . Taking responsibility for our words , being honest with our intentions , and being able to identify what really needs to be said , and what can be left alone , we can then communicate with our best intentions and then leave the interpretation to the listener . If you get a " bad listener " ( someone who is always defensive , deflective , or reactive ) you have to just let it go . You did your best . If you get a good listener , even if they may take offense , the conversation opens up for a genuine understanding and hopefully , reconciliation . Since our separation , my baby has come back from his father 's home sick 3 times . Once with the flu , once with Pneumonia , and once with a fever / cold . While my husband blamed it on everything but himself , my gut reaction was to blame him for not being more careful about where he took the baby , proper hygiene , his choice to refuse my baby my breast milk , and basic parental negligence . Is there a loving way of saying that ? NOPE ! " The baby got sick AGAIN . Every time he comes home from being with you he gets sick … you really need to pay attention to keeping him away from unhealthy places , people , and be mindful about proper hygiene … and for god 's sake , give him my breast milk ! I worked hard at pumping all of that ! " In thinking about how much I long to feel respected , loved , and supported , what greater opportunity to show respect , love , and support ! ! I was always cringing when my phone went off , hoping , praying , begging the universe that it not be ANOTHER negative and hateful text from my husband … Yet , I too , was equally guilty of sending less than loving , self - victimizing messages . So there you have it . There 's this truth about life , however , that will always remain so long as we are humans on this Earth , and that is that although we make every effort to pursue and obtain a life of happiness , peace , and drama - free days , life is always changing , full of disappointments , loss , pain , and betrayal . It doesn 't matter who you are with . And while we can pick and choose who we spend our lives with ( yes , we always have the choice and freedom to leave any relationship ) , we will always be presented with problems . Being married to an addict sucks ( I don 't think there 's a soul in the world who would disagree with me ) , but that doesn 't mean my life sucks . What I 'm coming to learn is that assuming life will always present challenges , how we grow through those challenges ultimately results in our strengthened ability to navigate through those challenges . I 've learned more and grown more ( spiritually , mentally and in so many other aspects ) being married to my husband than at any other point in my life . Admittedly , when things are going great , I don 't grow at all . It 's very comfortable and I like to go to auto - pilot mode . I was in my ladies bible study last night . We had discussed the issue of lying and how lying was seen by God as equal to all other sins ( I 'm not trying to bring up a discussion on this , so please don 't tell me this is not true . I get that enough from my husband ) . I had told them how my husband kept lying and excused himself saying " at least I 'm not doing really bad things like killing people " . I thought that if he saw that lying was not insignificant but actually very bad , he would stop lying ( or at least try to be less dishonest ) . One of the ladies stopped me and asked me about my own sin and how that compared to his . Ouch … That was like a slap in the face to reality . If I am saying that all sin is equal in the eyes of God , how can I complain that my husband 's sin is greater than that of my own ? Am I saying that I am sin - free ? I want to say that I am , but we all know that isn 't true . If all sin is equal , who am I to put the spotlight on his sin and off of my own ? I wanted to say " well , at least I don 't repeat my sin like he does ! " but it all goes back to " Who 's inventory am I taking here ? " Addiction is no joke . It 's got some serious consequences and it hurts people in so many ways . He 's got a ton of issues that he has to work on . But part of my " sin " ( in addition to being super judgmental and holding an attitude of superiority ) is me trying to act like God . When he sins , I feel justified in intervening , insisting on sharing my " insightful wisdom " . After all , his behavior does directly affect me , our marriage , and our family . That 's my excuse - my rationale for keeping the spotlight on him and off myself . If I do put the spotlight on myself , I realize that although he makes choices that do hurt us , that doesn 't mean that I can 't work on my own issues and support him while he works through his . Maybe he can even support me as I work through mine . It 's no fun , for sure . Saying it sucks is far from being an understatement . But , not all the time . Assuming challenges never go away so long as we are human beings on this Earth , it is important to make the most of it . Some prefer pissing and moaning about the transgressions of another , because they are either too blind or self - righteous ( like me ) to believe they have issues to work on themselves , or they are Jesus / Buddha / Muhammad . I 'm willing to put all my money it 's the former . Yes , life can suck . Really , really suck … But serenity comes when we accept the things that we cannot change ( and unfortunately , my husband and his behavior falls into that category ) . What I have learned is that , although I am perfectly justified to leave , since I have chosen to stay ( for now ) I have two options on how to make the most of my time . I can use this limited time on earth to focus on the transgressions of others , searching , controlling , and manipulating them to be , act , and say things the way I think they should ( guaranteeing I will forever be disappointed , sad , angry , bitter , hurt , living in fear , insecurity , and darkness . There is no end . ) OR I can spend this limited amount of time on earth focusing on my own issues ( i . e . , how I can be a better person , a better mother , better friend , a better driver , a better pet owner , a better money - spender , more honest , more authentic , more sensitive , etc . , ) there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel . There is a sense of hope . Faith . Happiness . I feel like progress is being made ( even if it 's just me ) . There is healing . There is freedom . There is life . After our " Therapeutic Separation " my husband and I tried , once again , to work things out . While he was gone ( 2 . 5 months ) I learned a lot about myself ( one reason for letting him come back home ) . I learned that I was actually pretty controlling in many ways - being passive aggressive , stating my opinion even if it wasn 't welcomed or asked for , expecting ( and almost always being disappointed ) people to make decisions that I felt they should make , and getting angry when people weren 't able to keep their promises . I confused " controlling " with " demanding " and came to understand controlling is actually any kind of action ( either through thought , words , or physical action ) in which we believe we can change a situation or person from being / thinking / doing something different from what they would naturally be / think / do if we did not intervene . In summary , I realized the reason I was always so upset with my husband was because he wasn 't who I wanted him to be . He wasn 't doing what I wanted him to do . He wasn 't saying what I wanted him to say . He wasn 't thinking the way I wanted him to think . He didn 't see things the way I thought he should see things . I . e . , he was " himself " and that pissed me off and I was set on patiently awaiting some miraculous Godly intervention in which he would someday ( soon ! ) " see the light " and eventually become the person I thought he should be ( like me ) … ( Yeah … I was pretty embarrassed when I came to realize that about myself ) . That realization was truly humbling . What was more humbling ( flat out embarrassing ) was that once I realized this , I brought up the subject of us getting back together and " working it out " . I mistakenly asked him to come home with this crazy notion that , " Aha ! Now I know what I need to do ! I must accept him for who he is ! I must stop pointing out his flaws and THEN I will see him change on his own accord ! I 'm too bossy and controlling ! THAT ' S THE PROBLEM ! All I have to do is stop being bossy and controlling and THEN he will become the person I need him to be ! " Last night , after his bible study , he got into bed and whispered , " Now that I am working on honesty , I have to tell you something … " My heart started pounding loudly . The lump in my throat was painful . I knew what he was going to say . I expected him to tell me a half - truth story about another sexually acting out event . Surprisingly , I was wrong . He told me that instead of going to work the day before , he went gambling instead . He 's done this many times before ( lied about going to work only to spend the day at the casino ) . I sat with that and thanked him for being honest . I wasn 't mad at him anymore . Seriously disappointed for sure , but not mad . I had been praying that all the stuff he was hiding would soon come to light . I had been praying that his truth would be revealed , and that he would grow spiritually and emotionally enough to seek a life of honesty . This is exactly what I was getting . How could I get mad ? Hearing him confess about the gambling , at this point , no longer triggered anger in me . Sadness , yes . But not anger . Not only did I feel it was an " answer to my prayer " , it also felt like just another piece of evidence to throw on the pile that told me my husband was not to be trusted ( big sigh … ) . Who is being dishonest here ? Him ? Me ? The answer was both of us . I pride myself on being honest . But the fact is I was being honest with everyone but myself . The fact is , I never saw him for who he was . I only saw him for what I thought he could be ( and to my credit , he did say that he wanted to be an honest and faithful husband and father ) . But the reality is ( and TRUTH was ) that he is not that . I was living in denial , and I was making all my daily decisions , emotions , and future plans based upon that . And every time he acted out , lied , cheated , gambled , drank , verbally abused us , or whatever went against what I felt was " wrong " it was a slap in the face to me . He ruined my fantasy . He was crushing my delusion of being married to a " potentially honest man " and replaced it with my ugly reality of being married to a man that is incapable of honesty . For the past 3 years , he has been consistent with his acting out and dishonesty . He has effortlessly maintained his status quo and has never failed to be the same man I married and had kids with . And for that I had no one to be angry at except myself . The more I hold on to my delusions and false hopes of him changing , the more I hate not him , but myself . I 've lost so much time , energy , and opportunities waiting for the day he chooses to love and respect me . I 've gained grey hairs , stress , and shed far more tears that I thought could be contained in my small body . I 've had and known the truth the whole time . I have options . I can choose to stay . I can choose to leave . But whatever option I choose , I am never justified in forcing a person to be that which he is not . I must not plan my life according to who he promises he wants to be , but plan my life according to the person he is . If I choose to stay , that will require me accepting that he will never change . If I leave , that will still require me to accept that he will never change . But life will always continue on , so I 'd best make the most of it . We are all dealt our own unique cards in life . Some people get a good hand . Some get a crappy hand . But in the end , when the game is over , we all end up in the same place ( dead ) . So how do I want to spend my time until then ? I . e . , how do I win with the crappy cards I was given ? Pissing and moaning about the dealer ? Holding resentment towards those that seem to have gotten the better hand ? Steal their cards ? Cheat ? Drink myself to oblivion or dive into other addictions so I don 't have to feel as bad about my crappy hand ? Some people like to stay sitting at the table , hoping for a better hand . I admit , I was one of those people thinking that if I stayed in the game long enough , maybe my luck would change . Now I 'm starting to realize there was only one player at the table and it was me ! Life is too short to stay there ! Forgiveness isn 't something you do . It 's a process you actually have to go through . Sometimes the process is short and can end with a simple " I 'm sorry " , and sometimes it takes a long time . Give yourself a break . If you are struggling with forgiveness , you don 't have to feel bad . Even paper cuts take time to heal . If you 've been stabbed in the back , of course it 's going to take a lot longer to heal that one . After continued affairs , my sex addict husband would come back every time with remorse , regret , and even confidence that " this was the last time " . Every time I wanted to trust he was telling the truth . Every time I was disappointed to learn that it wasn 't the last time . And it hurt to believe there may never be a " last time " . The person I wanted and needed to trust more than anyone else had betrayed my trust time , after time , after time . He had put my emotional , physical , and financial safety at risk repeatedly . Deep down inside I knew I could not trust him . It was not safe to trust him . Every year a new STD . Every month a new " disclosure " . Every apology forgiven . I did my best to trust him . I needed him to be trustworthy . So I tried to convince myself that he was trustworthy - he was just making bad decisions . It was a disease . It took time . Things would be okay … eventually … Looking back , I realize that the problem was never about trusting him . It was about violating the trust I had in myself , my ability to connect with my intuition , and listen to my gut . Yes , I knew he was not trustworthy . I knew that the first , second , and 12th time he acted out , and each and every time he hid things and lied about it . With the facts staring me in the face , the problem was no longer about him . It was me . I was the one not acting on the messages my heart and soul were trying to send me . I was ignoring myself . It was not safe to trust him , for sure . But it was no longer safe to trust myself . I failed to trust my own judgment of when it is not safe to trust another . I mistook " trust " with " obligation " . I thought that if I forgave him , it meant I had to forget about what happened . I had to continue on as if nothing had happened and just " trust " that things would be okay . I was mistaken . A hard lesson learned : Even when trust is broken , it 's ok to have boundaries . It is ok not to fully trust them right away ( or ever ) . It doesn 't mean you don 't love them . It doesn 't mean the relationship is over . It doesn 't mean that you have to sit back and allow this relationship to continue as an untrustworthy relationship . You don 't have to be naive . You don 't have to pretend things are ok . If you 've been hurt , traumatized , and betrayed once ( or even several times ) , know it 's ok to be a little cautious moving forward . regardless of who did what to who . What you do have to do is start being honest with yourself . What do YOU want ? What do YOU need ? Really dig and do an internal inventory of yourself , your emotions , your role in all of this . Once you realize that although this person may not be trustworthy , you have ( and always had ) options . Allow yourself to trust your instincts . You can then make a decision to either leave , or finally make some healthy boundaries ( and stick to them ! ) If you cannot start making and maintaining healthy boundaries with people whom we know we cannot trust , how can we ever begin experiencing real trust - the trust we have in ourselves : the trust that we will protect ourselves and take care of ourselves when we sense that we are not safe . You can 't make the other person change to become more trustworthy ( say that to yourself a hundred times if you must ) , but YOU have what it takes to deal with it and move forward . You have the resources inside you to make good decisions for YOU . So start being rigorously honest with yourself . Make decisions that keep you safe and healthy . Stop putting yourself in situations that are not good for you . But through this practice , eventually , you will regain your own trust back . You will learn to trust yourself again . It will be very clear what you need to do , how you need to do it , and when . When a Co - dependent spouse / partner is in recovery from the trauma inflicted by a sex - addict , we eventually learn the hard way that our hypervigilant behavior and snooping are actually triggers that pull us further away from recovery and serenity , rather than push us towards it . Throughout our entire relationship , I never doubted my husband . The thought of snooping on his personal accounts and devices never even crossed my mind . After the discovery , however , I found myself suddenly addicted to snooping . I was questioning everything , being passive aggressive , and constantly over analyzing everything from the smallest face twitch to the one or two minutes he was late coming home . Being tech savvy , I was able to monitor everything about him , from where he was , who he was texting / calling / emailing , what sites he visited , for how long , and how long he was doing what and where . I had passwords to all accounts ( that I knew of ) and spent endless hours secretly checking up on him . Since I could no longer trust him , this hypervigilance was , at the time , my only way to feel safe and sane . From my point of view , I was completely within reason to do this . To him ( and everyone else ) it was sick behavior . Regardless of how people saw me , I still kept it up . Technology had been my security blanket . It provided me with the truth and transparency I wanted and needed if I were to stay married to a sex - addict . But while technology provided many benefits , it had some serious cons to it as well . The biggest con was that it couldn 't stop him from acting out , and there were still so many things it couldn 't tell me . Technology has increased our ability to see things immediately and in real time . Addicts can view porn , hook up , and contact acting out partners easier and more discreetly . While partners often learn of these addictive behaviors because of the trails left behind on the addict 's technological devices , the benefit to technology is that the partner can also cover up his / her snooping and hypervigilance . Technology isn 't all that bad though , when it comes to addiction . Recovery has also become more readily available , thanks to the privacy and convenience of smart phones and online methods such as virtual 12 - step meetings . Now the addict ( and the partner ) have no excuse as to why he / she cannot take a more proactive role in seeking the necessary help , because when meetings are online , we can 't use lack of transportation , time , traffic , etc . as an excuse to miss the meetings . With Kindle and Google , we can 't use the lack of resources either . There are hundreds , if not thousands , of free to low - cost books , journals , YouTube videos , and more out there to help addicts and partners begin the journey of recovery . With all this technology , it can be tempting to retreat into a virtual " self - made " recovery . I 've met many people on my own recovery journey who have attempted to create their own " recovery program " . What I have learned is that recovery is not , and never will be , a " me " program . It is , and always will be , a " we " program . The thought of joining a 12 - step group or an alternative recovery program can seem daunting and overwhelming for many . But it is only through professional help and a support group that is knowledgeable and experienced in the situation can true recovery begin . Joining a support group and seeking professional help is the first step . The next step ? Trusting the process . Just like we can 't completely rely on technology as a singular addiction recovery method , trusting your partner isn 't something that can change with technology either . Although it seems contrary to what we would like to believe , the more you have access to or can see , will not equal the more trust you can have in your partner . Trust is an inside job and is not solely dependent on the other person , but largely dependent upon yourself and the boundaries you put in place to protect yourself . Admittedly , even before we had all this wonderful technology , sex - addiction has been around since forever and the pain it causes the partners has existed for just that long . As a result , snooping , in whatever shape or form , was likely a behavior that happened regardless of technology , just like acting out is a behavior that will happen regardless of technology . In other words , whatever tool we use to justify our desire to " know everything " ( in an effort to feel safe ) , hypervigilance and snooping does not help ease the pain , minimize the feelings , or assist in fixing the problem . It only adds to the pile of problems ( insecurity , lack of trust , and additional acting out ) . Snooping is a trigger to further codependency / trauma . It 's like picking at a wound . It doesn 't speed the recovery . It prolongs it . For a long time I tried desperately to find a reasonable , rationale , and justifiable answer to this question because more than anything I really , really , really wanted to keep doing it ! I refused to let go of my security blanket . Although I couldn 't justify my secretly snooping on my addict - partner , I could justify the snooping . The answer was that it depends on your intention for use . Are you using it to catch your spouse ? Are you using it to " prove " he is acting out ? Are you using it as an alternative to have meaningful and direct conversations about your concerns and feelings ? Are you using it because you simply have zero trust in his ability to be honest with you , and you feel you can only trust the information this technology and / or device is sharing with you ? If your answer is " yes ' to any of these , it would be wise to reconsider the relationship , and put all that extra energy into your own personal recovery . 2 ) ( if you are in a 12 - step recovery program ) your " snooping " is a slip that you can ( and do ) report to both your accountability partner / sponsor and your spouse ( whom you have been snooping on ) . The caveat is that you have to make an honest effort to stop doing that and work with your spouse on how to avoid those triggers in the future . So unsettling for a compulsive snoop such as myself … Ultimately , snooping shouldn 't be necessary in a healthy relationship . If your relationship requires you to be constantly snooping , questioning , and doubting , you shouldn 't be in that relationship . But for whatever reason , you choose to stay in a relationship that is deficient in trust / transparency , having a mutual understanding that there is NO PRIVACY if the relationship is to continue until the relationship gets to a point in which recovery is visible , and both partners come to an agreement that the " snooping " doesn 't need to continue . It is important to note that the lack of trust doesn 't necessarily mean that it was caused ( or lost ) due to the addict 's acting out behavior . While the acting out behavior may have started a pattern of hypervigilant behavior in the partner , often times it is caused by something within the partner 's own life history . This is why in addition to the addict actively in recovery , a partner 's personal recovery is absolutely necessary if the relationship is to survive . One of the greatest sources of suffering in a relationship is our refusal to accept our differences . I 'd be willing to bet the fastest way to end any relationship is to determine in our mind that our reality is either better or correct compared to another . The fact is , sometimes people do things that hurt us . Sometimes it is physical , and sometimes it is emotional . While the pain we may have experienced is real , however , rather than focus on what harm the other has caused us , I believe what is really important is the intention behind it . How do we know the intention was to cause some kind of pain ? Maybe they did it to make themselves feel better , bigger , stronger , more powerful , less scared , more secure , smarter , or maybe it was even done for something more complicated , like addiction or some other mental health issue . Maybe it was an accident . Who knows ? Where we often get stuck is when we decide that we know what their real intentions were , but until we develop some serious ESP powers , there is no human alive that can know what another person 's true intentions are . That is why we have to communicate in order to find out . That means having an open mind and calming down just enough to get ego and emotions out of the way . Communication doesn 't happen - in fact it CAN ' T happen - when either of the parties is either flaming mad or already decided that he / she is right and the other is wrong . Maybe they are , but maybe they aren 't . That 's what this communication thing is for . The goal isn 't to determine who is right and who is wrong , but respecting how both are right in their own way , and how to move forward with the differences . Ironically , however , it 's important to acknowledge that whether you know it or not , you have hurt people in some way as well , and for as long as you may live , you will continue to hurt people even if you don 't mean to . That is the nature of our existence as humans . We may not have done it on purpose but conflict is the natural result of living in a world with someone other than ourselves , and in a world of so much diversity . You simply cannot exist without having some kind of impact ( good or bad ) on another living being , and the conflict ( or love ) that arises out of it is simply two different things bumping into one another . The result is either an attraction or avoidance . Unfortunately , on Earth , difference is unavoidable , and it is good ! Just like light and darkness , warmth and cold , polarities all serve a very important purpose in the world . Remember though : while we may have a number of differences , we also share a number of similarities ( good and bad ) . In our relations with other living beings we also have a polarity of intentions . Either we have good / loving / caring intentions or bad / hateful / harming intentions ( and sometimes no intentions at all ) . I would like to believe I always have good intentions , but the truth is sometimes I don 't , and I doubt I 'm the only one . Understanding intentions can be really hard . Sometimes our emotions or ego can scream so loudly that we can 't hear what 's truly going on behind our actions . But if we can get ourselves back to that calm state of mind and identify what our intentions are , we can make better decisions on how to move forward by taking an honest inventory of our own intentions . I recently had a big fight with my partner and the old me would have threatened everything , blindly believing that my threat was my way of expressing my feelings , stating my bottom line , and saying " NO ! " to inappropriate behavior . " I am being assertive ! " I would proudly convince myself . In reality , my intention was to get him to stop doing what he was doing . My intention was to change him so that I could have what I wanted ( and to remind him of how right I was and how wrong he was ) . In the moment of intense emotions , and when ego steps in , our ability to connect with our true intentions ( and feelings ) is completely destroyed . Identifying our intentions means being excruciatingly honest with ourselves and others and that means putting all those hurt feelings aside and looking at the situation from a different perspective . Impossible ? No . But definitely a challenge . And if it 's hard for us to identify our intentions right away , it most certainly is for others as well . That said , when you do get offended or hurt , don 't jump to conclusions about what the other person was trying to do or say . If we were to break it all down , basically when we end up bumping into our contrasting parts ( i . e . , any other living thing ) , the biggest problem is that we look at the other person 's behavior as either a complement to our goals or an interruption , and naturally end up taking it personally . If they did something that helped you , or made you feel good , you saw them in a positive light . If they did something that was unhelpful , disappointing , or set you back , you saw it in a negative light . But if they did something great , can you call them great ? Then when they fail , are they no longer great ? Keep in mind , even when people do awesome things for us , we still should not take it personally . That 's right , even when they treat you like a queen / king , unfortunately , it doesn 't mean that you are one . But what if their action was personal ? What if they intentionally did or said something to you that was meant to hurt you ? Well , first of all , how do you know ? Did they say directly to you that their intention was to hurt you , demean you , and cause you some kind of pain ? If they knew that they were hurting you , would they do that ? Even if the other person 's action was an intentional attack upon you , it has absolutely nothing to do with you . While they have no right to try and change you , similarly , you have no right to change them . The only right you have is to assertively and kindly express your reality and leave it at that . I 'll be the first to admit , it 's not easy to just let something go , especially when the person you are at odds with is someone you love very deeply . We don 't want to end the relationship . Nor do we want to continue feeling so sad from the result of our loved one 's actions . So what do you do when you aren 't in danger and you don 't necessarily want to end the relationship ? Creating healthy boundaries is only something you can do and can actually be a gift to the other person ( even if at first they don 't like it ) . When you make clear what you are willing and not willing to live with , you have given the other person the gift of clearly knowing what you need in order to maintain that relationship . Then they get to choose if they can live with that boundary . If they choose to deny those boundaries , it doesn 't mean they don 't exist . It means they have chosen to end the relationship . Boundaries aren 't demands that state what the other person can and cannot do , and your boundaries aren 't for them - They are for you . Boundaries are like traffic lights that tell you when you need to stop , be cautious , or go forward . Others aren 't responsible for your boundaries . Only you are . Just like driving a car , you are the driver of your life . It 's your job to identify the boundaries you need and maintain them . After that , whatever happens is up to you . And that 's a good thing . Because it means that you are choosing all of this for yourself ( freedom from , or acceptance of a given situation that was caused as a natural result of living around other living things ) . You are not a victim . You are not entitled to anything . Nor are you right and the other wrong . After establishing your boundaries , if you choose to run an obvious red light , the end result is on you .

We 're anchored as close to shore as possible . When we returned from an afternoon of shelling we found that we had a new neighbor . Unfortunately , they have an embarrassing issue . You know , a social disease , like gonorrhea only worse , it was a ridiculously loud wind generator . The Air X and the Air Marine wind generators make great power when the wind blows . The odd thing is that some of them are shockingly loud while others aren 't really too bad . Our friend Roland has one and its not too bad until the wind hits exactly 28 knots . At 28 knots it sounds like somebody has thrown open the gates of hell and every demon and fury within has come shrieking out . It actually makes you duck as you can 't imagine that pieces of it aren 't hurtling at you . The blade profile generates some of the noise while the bulk of the noise comes from the blades " feathering " in an effort to slow the thing down . I 've seen aftermarket blades that do an amazing job of quieting them down so there is something that can be done about the noise . Our new neighbors generator mount ensures that his generator will never be one of the quiet ones . Instead of the pole being vertical , it leans aft at about a 15 degree angle . So rather than the wind generator being level and facing the breeze it looks " up " through the breeze . This leaves the thing constantly shrieking as its always on the verge of trying to feather itself . Its crazy how loud this thing is even in only 12 knots of breeze . As an unexpected bonus they also have the loudest inboard diesel generator EVER . The thing barely pumps any water and the exhaust note comes through practically dry and pounds down onto the surface of the water and as an added bonus there 's an echo . Its just crazy how loud this boat is . Oh look , they don 't use an anchor light either . Perfect . So what I 'm trying to say is that if you have VD you wouldn 't be welcomed with open arms at the weekly neighborhood orgy . You made the choice to have unprotected sex with a prostitute and now you 're saddled with a ridiculously loud case of Cupids Itch . So if you have The Clap , anchor out near the edge of the group instead of right in the middle . Nobody else should be expected to bear the consequences of your decisions . On Saturday morning I was awakened by the sound of Santa and one of his elves arriving by dinghy . But then I realized that Santa doesn 't have a dink and it was only the Savages dropping by EARLY to drop off a gift bag including a very special lobster hat which I will probably never take off . On Sunday the official Georgetown Christmas dinner celebration was a huge meal planned for noon . Tables were set up for 5 , 6 or 7 boats per table . With each table being responsible for the food at their own table . This seemed like a pretty good plan as there was no huge " chow line " for people to wait in . Each table was left to their own devices as to what the menu included and who was responsible for what . It sounded like fun but we skipped it . We had Christmas dinner with Fine Lion 2 years ago and since they 're here as well we decided to get together and do it again . Along with the crews of Sapphire and Alibi II we all descended on the good ship Fine Lion for the afternoon . Everybody brought a portion of the meal and once again it was a meal to remember . There was ham , beef tenderloin , sweet potatoes , mashed potatoes , green bean casserole , Caesar salad , hot rolls , stuffing and apple crisp for dessert . We were there for hours and we spent the entire time either eating or laughing . We 're still hanging around in Georgetown . We 've been to town and successfully extended our immigration status . Since we were coming here to Georgetown to take care of immigration we decided to have a small electronic doodad shipped in . The first weather window after its arrival , we 're outta here . My nonexistent love affair with Georgetown continues . For a lot of people Georgetown is " the " place to be , I 'm just not " that " type of person . At the moment there 's a hundred boats here but in another 6 weeks there might be 300 . It 's already too crowded and don 't get me started on the radio traffic . Monday on the morning radio net a guy proposed having a Wednesday night cocktail hour at Sand Dollar Beach where he , and we , are anchored . Why it has to be two days away I dunno , maybe his ice maker is slow . On Wednesday morning he got on the radio and canceled " his " event as he had determined that it was too windy . Too windy to go drinking ? Seriously ? " his " event ? Really ? I had no idea that we were all under his supervision . Needless to say he was ignored . The crews from several boats were enjoying each others company when the guy actually pulled his hook and left . That 'll teach us . Control freak . We 've been to a couple of evening beach cocktail events and I really do enjoy seeing old friends and meeting new people . It 's just that I prefer my groups to be smaller . We had one such event just yesterday . Ten of us brown bagged our lunch at the secluded beach at the northern end of the harbor . We sat in the shade of the enclosure and chatted for a while over lunch . One by one people drifted away and wandered down to the water . We all ended up sitting in the dead calm , neck deep water and just talked . We sat there and wallowed for hours , it might be the best time I 've ever had in Georgetown . We had a small window of decent wind from a good direction so at 0700 we headed out the cut at Cave Cay and into Exuma Sound . The trip to Georgetown is a jump of a bit more than 30 miles . The remarkable thing about this little jump is that we 'll be able to do some deep sea fishing for the majority of the trip . The water along this route is between a few hundred to a few thousand feet deep . While Christy and I have the whole spearfishing down pat we still don 't have much of a clue so far as the whole rod and reel thing goes . In the past we 've caught one tuna , one Mahi Mahi , one Sailfish and a few Cero . Considering how much time we 've spent dragging various lures around we haven 't caught shit . Our friends Jay & Di sold their cruising boat this past year . They 're now touring the country via motor coach so they felt they had no need for their various deep sea fishing bits and pieces . They generously bestowed several pieces of gear upon us including what would turn out to be a magical lure . I tied on one of our new lures and dropped it over the side . I was paying the line out to leave the lure trailing 150 feet behind the boat . It wasn 't even played out yet when it got hit . Fish on ! It ended up being a small Mahi Mahi of about 5 ½ pounds . That pretty much set the tone for the day an hour later we took a 44 incher that I had to gaff . When I gaffed him I hit something arterial and there was blood everywhere . We land them on the side deck and then after subduing them I walk them to the bow to fillet them so I can use the anchor washdown to clean up afterwards . There was blood the length of the boat . Twenty minutes after cleaning up as best I could we took a 36 incher . This one got hit by a Barracuda as Christy reeled it in . We did get the entire Mahi although he was a little worse for wear when we got him onboard . Mike & Kathy on Sapphire were trailing 3 lures at the same time and ran through a school of Mahi and scored simultaneous hits on all 3 lines . After landing the trio they caught one more before they were through . I think there were about 18 boats strung out over a ten mile stretch and I heard 15 Mahi Mahi taken . Nice day , actually magical . We arrived at Conch Cay Cut at noon at the head of the pack . This cut always makes my ass clinch a bit , even when its decent out . You come in a large gap between breakers both to port and to starboard . As soon as you 're past the breakers you turn hard to port and travel a half mile just inside the breakers , parallel to them . I dunno , breakers to port and a reef to starboard , I just hate that section . Yesterdays 6 lobsters brought the season total to 22 . The weather wasn 't the greatest today so we farted around a bit before deciding to do a little hunting . The tide and breeze were both coming in so we decided to drift dive the cut before the tide changed . The cut at Cave Cay is deep as hell . The center is every bit of forty feet deep and can be a bit intimidating as you rocket along on the tide . The southern edge has a awesome vertical wall and the tide at the edge is a little easier to deal with . The vertical wall is probably 25 feet tall and composed of one shelf on top of another . There are even walled canyons that angle off towards Musha Cay . The surface was a little rougher than Christy would prefer so she manned the dink while I slipped into the water to reconnoiter . Immediately I was surrounded by a school of Spotted Eagle Rays lazing about . There were some the size of a twin bed and pretty special to see . I saw several more fish that were just too large to even consider shooting ( Last years broken spear event ) as they 'd probably break my spear and beat me to death . I was in the water for about 5 minutes when I came across number 23 . Actually , Mr . 23 . I was descending near one of the walls when I spotted an antenna sticking out of a crevice . I cocked my spear and angled towards the opening . I grabbed the rocky ledge just above the opening and swung my shooting arm and shoulder under the ledge . And nearly shit myself . He was massive , he looked at me as if to say " what ? " . I got a good shot that ripped diagonally through his body . I ripped him out of the hole and headed up to the dink . Christy grabbed one of the other spears and was about to hand it to me when I said " I think we 're done " and then showed her the catch of the day . I 've taken more impressive lobsters before but never one this heavy . He weighed in at 7 pounds 12 ounces . Thats not a dessert plate that his tail is on thats a full sized dinner plate . We 're gonna need more butter . . . . . We woke to a pleasant breeze outta the east north east so it was time to finally bid Big Majors Spot adieu . We hoisted the main , pulled the hook and sailed out of the anchorage . As soon as we were pointed in the right direction we let out half of the genoa and headed out around Harvey Cay and turned south . We were content to be a bit under canvassed as we rode a favorable breeze south at between 5 ½ to 6 ½ knots . We soon passed Black Point and the half dozen boats anchored there . Then we slid past White Bay and the easily recognizable landmark , the Sand Castle . After a very nice 22 mile day under sail we stopped before noon at Cave Cay . Cave Cay was one of the first " off the beaten path " anchorages that we stopped in several years ago . Most people head out into the sound at the Galliot Cay cut but by continuing on for another mile we found the little chunk of bliss , Cave Cay . Right after lunch we were in the water and after an hour and a half we were headed back to the boat with a half dozen lobsters . Then I fired up the laptop and made a pleasant discovery , wifi ! We 're anchored about a half mile north of Musha Cay and they broadcast a pretty strong wifi signal . Since they were nice enough let us use their wifi Christy did some internet research and found that Musha Cay is owned by David Copperfield . Evidently pulling a rabbit out of a hat pays a lot better than I had envisioned . Christy 's time on the internet found his website promoting the Cay as a high end get - away . When I say high end I 'm not kidding . The advertised price for a stay for you and up to eleven of your closest friends is $ 37 , 500 per night . Four night minimum ! The link will take you to their excellent website , it really does look quite spectacular . Musha Cay Who knows , maybe once my Energy Circle takes off we 'll be hanging with Oprah and Dave on Musha Cay . In the mean time we 'll have to be content watching the same sunset , eating lobster . If you do decide to drop the 150 large on a long weekend at Musha be sure to tell them that Veranda sent you . . . . . . . . . . A friend was having trouble with his watermaker . It was sucking air from somewhere and it was screwing up the whole magical process of turning seawater into drinking water . I tightened every hose clamp within a three mile radius and it only made things a little better . Then I realized that one hose just before the boost pump was deforming . The little boost pump was actually pulling a vacuum and collapsing the hose . That meant there had to be a blockage between the boost pump and the water inlet . The seacock for the raw water was on the other side of a bulkhead and I hadn 't seen it . It turned out that the seacock was an inch and a half that was necked down to 1 inch , necked again to ¾ of an inch before being reduced one more time to a ½ inch and THEN it went through a sea strainer . So anything small enough to fit into the original 1 ½ inch opening could theoretically slip down the hose until it found a diameter that was too small for it to fit through . But what are the chances of that happening . . . . . evidently a lot better than you might think . Sure enough I found a damn Lincoln Log ™ firmly wedged into one of the reducers . Once it was removed and the watermaker actually was presented with some sea water the magical process was once again happening like it should . After that it was on to another boat . I met this guy the night before , he was looking for help because his 50 foot trawler wouldn 't start . Hes out on the hook with twin Detroit diesels and a 20KW generator and none of em ' will start . He only recently bought the boat and didn 't seem too familiar with the boats systems . Even knowing that , I was still pretty surprised when I headed down into his engine room . There were the starting batteries sitting in a great battery box with complete access . Nothing unusual about that but what immediately caught my eye was the fact that sitting there on a shelf was an automobile type battery charger . It was hooked to the batteries and plugged in to the wall . I said " Cap ' n , where are you getting the power to run that charger ? " Because I already know that the generator isn 't running , the engines won 't start and unless hes got a mile and a half of extension cord run over to Staniel Cay there might be something supernatural going on here . He answered " From the inverter " . Huh , the inverter . This method of charging is called an " Energy Circle " , often referred to as a " black hole of energy " and sometimes shortened to " Amp Hole " . Not to be too technical but the mathematical formula is something like AC ÷ DC × DC ÷ AC × TIME × CHARGER INEFFICIENCY ± √ INVERTER INNEFICIENCY = dead batteries pretty f ' ing quick . I eventually got the boat started but this lesson in alternative physics got me thinkin ' . When we get back to the states I 'm gonna look into building a huge battery bank that I can combine with the largest inverter ever made all used in conjunction with a battery charger of immense proportions . By my yet unfinished calculations this set up will provide me with a power excess in the 70 million megawatt range . I can sell this power and within 3 weeks should have the necessary funds to build a second set up much like the first . From there its 4 and then 8 of these money makers . I 'll be able to take existing amps and multiply them by themselves in this cutting edge equipment that I 'll call " AMPlifiers " . Its all so neat and clean , its amptastic ! Of course , with so much cheap electricity , fossil fuels will go unneeded . The middle east will revert to the stone age without our petrodollars and we 'll all be driving Jetson like electric vehicles for practically nothing . Nuclear power will be a farce and investment in solar and wind power will come to a screeching halt . Why bother , they can 't compete with an Energy Circle . I can 't believe nobody has thought of this sooner . Naturally actual construction won 't begin until June of 2012 just in case the Mayans turned out to be correct about the world ending in May . This delayed start will give you the time to liquidate your holdings so you 'll have plenty of cash when this obvious investment opportunity is ready . Who wants to be the first to pour some money into this cutting edge Energy Circle technology . I 've already got the company logo . In the meantime I 'll be finishing up the planning as soon as I recharge my calculator . The luck of the draw . That pretty much sums up what every year often boils down to when talking about the weather . These last 5 years have been very varied in how well the weather has treated us during the cruising season in the Bahamas . The first 2 years we were down here the weather was akin to what tropical sailing dreams are made of . 10 to 15 knots of warm breeze outta the east for days on end . The clocking cold fronts would come through every few weeks with the regularity of a train schedule . It really was a very special time . Three seasons ago the weather was technically speaking , pure shit . In the states there was snow in the Carolinas , freezing temperatures in Miami and noteworthy blizzards in the northeast . Down here in the Bahamas things were better but by local weather standards the year sucked . Significant cold fronts were coming through every 4 or 5 days . Run and hide a day ahead of time , swim and hunt before the front arrived , sit on the boat and read for a day or so as the front passed through and then what ? The next front was often due to hit in 4 days . Do you head out for a day or so and then return to your hole to repeat it all again . Or do you just sit in the safety of your hidey hole and just wait for the next front to arrive and pass ? If that had been our first Bahamas experience I don 't know that we would have ever come back . Last year was another very nice season but this year has been something new altogether . WIND . Not necessarily from a bad direction but the intensity has been limiting what we can do . When we were in Nassau we wanted to head southeast but even though the winds were outta the northeast they were hovering at more than 25 knots . So beam reach or not we hid until the wind dropped below 20 knots . But then it had also come around closer to the bow and forced our hand to where we could go . After we made our break the winds built again right away and pinned us at Normans Cay . The wind finally veered enough that we lost our protection and had to run before it down to Big Majors Spot . It was a great day of sailing but we 've been fairly well pinned down since then . After 6 nights or so at Big Majors we made the 8 mile sail south to the settlement at Black Point . After 2 nights there we made a short hop north to Bitter Guana . We had never dealt with Iguanas before and the double bonus was the fact that we were there alone for 2 nights . After that bit o ' fun we jumped back up to Big Majors . I shouldn 't really complain because theres been plenty to do . Yesterday we dinghied in to Staniel Cay and enjoyed a meal at the yacht club and then walked around the cay a bit . There 's also been some swimmingand a few beach get togethers in the evenings including Rolands 75th birthday party tonight . Its only Tuesday but all 12 boats here in the anchorage are praying that the pleasant easterlies forecast for this weekend come to fruition . Right now the wind is pretty steady at 25 knots outta the northeast . We 'd like to jump out into Exuma Sound and the cuts have been ferocious for days . So we 'll be here for a few more days , who knows , maybe tomorrow night we 'll burn some garbage . . . . We went for a mile swim today . We took a 2 pound lobster as soon as we hit the water and the rest of the swim was spent looking at every rock and piece of coral we saw . One is better than nothing so we headed home for lunch . I didn 't have any trouble with my ears so it seems that Christy 's magical cure did the trick . After lunch we set out to find some fabled ocean side beaches to the south . Again we found ourselves walking along a fairly clean beach . No flotsam or jetsam , pretty much nothing . Unlike other places we 've been , I guess the currents just don 't hit this section of the Banks like it does in other places . Speaking of junk on the beach . As you know from past postings , a lot of the ocean side beaches are covered with the flotsam of mankind . In the past 5 years it would be fair to say that we 've seen 10 , 000 shoes washed up on shore . You 'll see a fairly distinctive shoe and think to yourself " I think I just saw the mate to that one , but where ? Was it earlier or was it yesterday , was it even this island ? " A few days ago , Bill from Alibi II removed all doubt when he found a matched pair of sneakers . Anybody need a pair of used sixes ? The anchorage was the calmest of any spot we 've stopped this season . We woke to light winds and the promise of a sunny day . After breakfast we traced down an electrical problem with our fridge . It turned out to be a bad ground connection but was quickly fixed . We dinghied in towards shore and slipped into the water to do a little hunting . The bottom was mostly rocky but offered decent protection for lobsters so we were optimistic . The water was less than 8 feet deep for several hundred yards . Once we reached deeper water my ears started giving me problems . I took a lobster in about 10 feet of water but then the water started getting deeper . We were getting swept along by the outgoing tide and soon found a Nassau Grouper in the 15 pound range . He 's out of season and I just couldn 't bring myself to drop the hammer on him . Part of it was trying to keep my Karma intact and the other part was that my ears were hurting to the point that I was getting nauseous . Hiding near the base of the very next rock was a huge Black Grouper . He is not protected so I dropped down to give it a go . My head was pounding , I was feeling queasy and even though he was hiding under a fairly small rock I just couldn 't put forth the effort needed to take him . It was gonna be at least 2 or 3 dives , fighting a pretty big current , I just didn 't have it in me . Staying in the water was going to be a waste of time so we hopped back into the dink and headed home . After lunch I popped a decongestant , Christy poured some magical crap in my ears and I took a nap . After an hour I was feeling better so we headed in to shore to meet the iguanas and do some beach combing . There are 3 cays that I 'm aware of in the Exumas that have populations of wild iguanas . There 's Allen Cay , Bitter Guana Cay and Leaf Cay . This was our first stop at any of them . The iguanas are cool as hell . When you reach the beach they come storming out of the brushline . The bigger ones are every bit of 3 feet long . I brought my iguana stick and they sensed my willingness to use it so they were only a bit aggressive with us but they did seem to enjoy beating the shit out of each other . After communing with the wildlife for a bit we headed across the cay to the ocean side in search of some beachiness . We found a pretty nice tidal pool surrounded by acres of ironshore . After walking for a bit we did find a series of small beaches that were actually quite clean and yielded only a few beans and some seaglass . We spent the morning taking a walk along the oceanside beach . We alternated talk about the weather with scanning the shoreline for treasures . We were with the crews of 3 other boats and everybody came home with something cool . While we were walking the mailboat arrived . We headed home to eat lunch to give the people a chance to collect their goods for their shops . After lunch we headed in to Deshamons . Deshamons makes a hell of a good pizza . We had just eaten lunch but Fine Lion , Sapphire and Alibi II were all over it . We did have a few beers with them while Christy took care of some last minute online chores . Much to our surprise as we untied from the dock we spied the Savage Son just dropping the hook in the anchorage . They opted to stay in the states for Thanksgiving and were about a week behind . We swung by to say our hellos and headed home to the boat to put away our newly purchased vegetables and special ordered coconut bread . You see , when you arrive in Black Point the first thing you HAVE to do is hail Lorraine 's Cafe on the VHF and order some of her mothers fresh baked bread . If you order it today her mom will make it first thing the next morning and its ready to pick up around noon . Lorraine 's Moms coconut bread is an institution and might be the finest bread ever made . Including bread made in France . Baguettes be damned . After stowing our food we bandied about several ideas of what exactly we should do while we ate a few slices of that damn good bread . Our original plan was to head for some seclusion and after some back and forth Christy & I decided to pull the hook and get out of Dodge . There was a bit of rain and we were treated to a great rainbow as we slowly motored out of the anchorage . An all motor trip of less than 4 miles brought us someplace we had never been before , the northern anchorage at Bitter Guana Cay . Fortunately Bitter Guana is right between Staniel Cay and Black Point . Most people stop at the great anchorage at Big Majors Spot because of it proximity to Staniel Cay . When they leave there its only an 8 mile trek to Black point and Lorraine 's mothers bread so Bitter Guana kinda slips through the cracks . I can 't recall ever seeing a cruising boat anchored off Bitter Guana so we were looking forward to some alone time even though we were just around the corner from 2 great destinations . The anchorage was bigger , better protected than I expected and more picturesque to boot . The island is populated by wild iguanas and tomorrow should be an interesting day . We have the whole island to ourselves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yeah , thats right , naked time . . . . The huge winds out of the north northeast have abated and people are once again on the move . Evidently there were several boats hanging on the moorings up in the park at Warderick Wells . The wind is down and people started showing up in Big Majors Spot so it was time to move on . We pulled the hook and had a perfect 8 mile sail out around Harvey Cay and into the anchorage at Black Point . Internet was sketchy with the wifi at Lorraine 's Cafe being down . We walked into the islands tiny grocery store and found it empty . One inedible pepper , two onions well past their prime and nothing else . Fortunately , the mailboat was scheduled to arrive the next day so we sat for a day and hoped to grab some veggies the next day . On the plus side though we were able to do our laundry . Its been a while since we 've been here at Black Point and the evidence of hurricane Irenes passing is everywhere . The thing that impacted us the most was the fact that the laundromats dock was destroyed . We had to lug our laundry from the government dock rather than just flop it up onto the laundromats dock and walk it inside . The government dock was usable but was still being repaired when we arrived . Several homes were in various stages of repair . This block home has been standing for years but it looks as if someone has started to finish it . I 'd love to read the building code here . . . . if there is one . We 're still safely tucked in near the middle beach at Big Majors Spot . The winds been blowing 20 knots outta the north . Its supposed to climb towards 30 and come from the northeast over the weekend so we 'll sit here for a few more days . We 're anchored just off the exclusive resort on Fowl Cay . There are worse places to be trapped . . . . . There 's about 8 sailboats here and room for a hundred so crowding isn 't an issue . We spent a couple of hours in the water yesterday and grabbed another 5 lobsters . I 'm a little disappointed in the amount of Lionfish that I 've been seeing . I usually kill em ' whenever I see them but there 's so many here it would turn into a full time job . I did kill a bunch though and even took one that was the size of a damn chicken . By far the biggest I 've seen yet . Last night we spent the evening on the beach burning garbage and sharing cocktails and snacks with the rest of the anchorage . I have to throw a compliment to Bess from Alibi II 's way . She took the conch we managed to chase down the other day and whipped them into the best cracked conch I 've ever eaten . Of course , shortly after that one of the pigs from Pig Beach came wandering out of the woods and made a beeline for the assembled snack foods . I had a 4 foot long branch and used it to tap , poke and prod the pig to keep him at bay . He was insistent and I was actually feeling a bit bad about whacking him on the snout to back him off . Finally Bess says " you 're not doing that right " and snatches the stick from my hand and smacks him . He backs off a bit but shes after him and pretty soon she looks like some insane shepard as she chases him back into the woods smacking at his ass the whole way . She even had him squealing . A word from the wise , if Bess has a stick and says move , I 'd do it . She talks softly but carries a pig stick . On our second day at Normans Cay Christy and I decided to take a long swim . So we took the dink up the backside of the cay to the northern end . We slipped into the water and started swimming back towards the boat . I towed the dinghy behind me on a long tether . After over an hour we got back to the boat in time for lunch . After lunch we headed out with the Alibi II 's for a little hunting & gathering . After a short time we had collected a half dozen large conch and a trio of lobster between us . I happened to look up and noticed that the front we 've been waiting for was bearing down on us . So we quit the water and raced back to the boats to square everything away before the wind hit us . And hit us it did . The wind built to 20 knots out of the north northwest as did the wind driven chop . The only problem was that when the boat turned to face the wind shift it left us beam to the rolling seas . Sleep did not come easily for anyone within radio range . Our night sucked but so did everyone elses . One guy just 5 miles to our south said his wind machine had recorded a gust to 50 knots during the night . So since we were already awake we were outta there at first light . The benefit of this front was that we had an excellent day of sailing down to Big Majors Spot . With 18 knots or so behind the beam it made for a wonderful 35 mile day . We had the hook down by 1300 hours with the huge anchorage practically to ourselves . Later in the day several friends slipped in and dropped the hook . As the plan stands at the moment I think we 're gonna sit here for a week or so . Its supposed to blow briskly from the east for several days . Its pleasant here , we have superb easterly protection and there 's opportunity to do some hunting so we 're pretty happy here .

We 're anchored as close to shore as possible . When we returned from an afternoon of shelling we found that we had a new neighbor . Unfortunately , they have an embarrassing issue . You know , a social disease , like gonorrhea only worse , it was a ridiculously loud wind generator . The Air X and the Air Marine wind generators make great power when the wind blows . The odd thing is that some of them are shockingly loud while others aren 't really too bad . Our friend Roland has one and its not too bad until the wind hits exactly 28 knots . At 28 knots it sounds like somebody has thrown open the gates of hell and every demon and fury within has come shrieking out . It actually makes you duck as you can 't imagine that pieces of it aren 't hurtling at you . The blade profile generates some of the noise while the bulk of the noise comes from the blades " feathering " in an effort to slow the thing down . I 've seen aftermarket blades that do an amazing job of quieting them down so there is something that can be done about the noise . Our new neighbors generator mount ensures that his generator will never be one of the quiet ones . Instead of the pole being vertical , it leans aft at about a 15 degree angle . So rather than the wind generator being level and facing the breeze it looks " up " through the breeze . This leaves the thing constantly shrieking as its always on the verge of trying to feather itself . Its crazy how loud this thing is even in only 12 knots of breeze . As an unexpected bonus they also have the loudest inboard diesel generator EVER . The thing barely pumps any water and the exhaust note comes through practically dry and pounds down onto the surface of the water and as an added bonus there 's an echo . Its just crazy how loud this boat is . Oh look , they don 't use an anchor light either . Perfect . So what I 'm trying to say is that if you have VD you wouldn 't be welcomed with open arms at the weekly neighborhood orgy . You made the choice to have unprotected sex with a prostitute and now you 're saddled with a ridiculously loud case of Cupids Itch . So if you have The Clap , anchor out near the edge of the group instead of right in the middle . Nobody else should be expected to bear the consequences of your decisions . On Saturday morning I was awakened by the sound of Santa and one of his elves arriving by dinghy . But then I realized that Santa doesn 't have a dink and it was only the Savages dropping by EARLY to drop off a gift bag including a very special lobster hat which I will probably never take off . On Sunday the official Georgetown Christmas dinner celebration was a huge meal planned for noon . Tables were set up for 5 , 6 or 7 boats per table . With each table being responsible for the food at their own table . This seemed like a pretty good plan as there was no huge " chow line " for people to wait in . Each table was left to their own devices as to what the menu included and who was responsible for what . It sounded like fun but we skipped it . We had Christmas dinner with Fine Lion 2 years ago and since they 're here as well we decided to get together and do it again . Along with the crews of Sapphire and Alibi II we all descended on the good ship Fine Lion for the afternoon . Everybody brought a portion of the meal and once again it was a meal to remember . There was ham , beef tenderloin , sweet potatoes , mashed potatoes , green bean casserole , Caesar salad , hot rolls , stuffing and apple crisp for dessert . We were there for hours and we spent the entire time either eating or laughing . We 're still hanging around in Georgetown . We 've been to town and successfully extended our immigration status . Since we were coming here to Georgetown to take care of immigration we decided to have a small electronic doodad shipped in . The first weather window after its arrival , we 're outta here . My nonexistent love affair with Georgetown continues . For a lot of people Georgetown is " the " place to be , I 'm just not " that " type of person . At the moment there 's a hundred boats here but in another 6 weeks there might be 300 . It 's already too crowded and don 't get me started on the radio traffic . Monday on the morning radio net a guy proposed having a Wednesday night cocktail hour at Sand Dollar Beach where he , and we , are anchored . Why it has to be two days away I dunno , maybe his ice maker is slow . On Wednesday morning he got on the radio and canceled " his " event as he had determined that it was too windy . Too windy to go drinking ? Seriously ? " his " event ? Really ? I had no idea that we were all under his supervision . Needless to say he was ignored . The crews from several boats were enjoying each others company when the guy actually pulled his hook and left . That 'll teach us . Control freak . We 've been to a couple of evening beach cocktail events and I really do enjoy seeing old friends and meeting new people . It 's just that I prefer my groups to be smaller . We had one such event just yesterday . Ten of us brown bagged our lunch at the secluded beach at the northern end of the harbor . We sat in the shade of the enclosure and chatted for a while over lunch . One by one people drifted away and wandered down to the water . We all ended up sitting in the dead calm , neck deep water and just talked . We sat there and wallowed for hours , it might be the best time I 've ever had in Georgetown . We had a small window of decent wind from a good direction so at 0700 we headed out the cut at Cave Cay and into Exuma Sound . The trip to Georgetown is a jump of a bit more than 30 miles . The remarkable thing about this little jump is that we 'll be able to do some deep sea fishing for the majority of the trip . The water along this route is between a few hundred to a few thousand feet deep . While Christy and I have the whole spearfishing down pat we still don 't have much of a clue so far as the whole rod and reel thing goes . In the past we 've caught one tuna , one Mahi Mahi , one Sailfish and a few Cero . Considering how much time we 've spent dragging various lures around we haven 't caught shit . Our friends Jay & Di sold their cruising boat this past year . They 're now touring the country via motor coach so they felt they had no need for their various deep sea fishing bits and pieces . They generously bestowed several pieces of gear upon us including what would turn out to be a magical lure . I tied on one of our new lures and dropped it over the side . I was paying the line out to leave the lure trailing 150 feet behind the boat . It wasn 't even played out yet when it got hit . Fish on ! It ended up being a small Mahi Mahi of about 5 ½ pounds . That pretty much set the tone for the day an hour later we took a 44 incher that I had to gaff . When I gaffed him I hit something arterial and there was blood everywhere . We land them on the side deck and then after subduing them I walk them to the bow to fillet them so I can use the anchor washdown to clean up afterwards . There was blood the length of the boat . Twenty minutes after cleaning up as best I could we took a 36 incher . This one got hit by a Barracuda as Christy reeled it in . We did get the entire Mahi although he was a little worse for wear when we got him onboard . Mike & Kathy on Sapphire were trailing 3 lures at the same time and ran through a school of Mahi and scored simultaneous hits on all 3 lines . After landing the trio they caught one more before they were through . I think there were about 18 boats strung out over a ten mile stretch and I heard 15 Mahi Mahi taken . Nice day , actually magical . We arrived at Conch Cay Cut at noon at the head of the pack . This cut always makes my ass clinch a bit , even when its decent out . You come in a large gap between breakers both to port and to starboard . As soon as you 're past the breakers you turn hard to port and travel a half mile just inside the breakers , parallel to them . I dunno , breakers to port and a reef to starboard , I just hate that section . Yesterdays 6 lobsters brought the season total to 22 . The weather wasn 't the greatest today so we farted around a bit before deciding to do a little hunting . The tide and breeze were both coming in so we decided to drift dive the cut before the tide changed . The cut at Cave Cay is deep as hell . The center is every bit of forty feet deep and can be a bit intimidating as you rocket along on the tide . The southern edge has a awesome vertical wall and the tide at the edge is a little easier to deal with . The vertical wall is probably 25 feet tall and composed of one shelf on top of another . There are even walled canyons that angle off towards Musha Cay . The surface was a little rougher than Christy would prefer so she manned the dink while I slipped into the water to reconnoiter . Immediately I was surrounded by a school of Spotted Eagle Rays lazing about . There were some the size of a twin bed and pretty special to see . I saw several more fish that were just too large to even consider shooting ( Last years broken spear event ) as they 'd probably break my spear and beat me to death . I was in the water for about 5 minutes when I came across number 23 . Actually , Mr . 23 . I was descending near one of the walls when I spotted an antenna sticking out of a crevice . I cocked my spear and angled towards the opening . I grabbed the rocky ledge just above the opening and swung my shooting arm and shoulder under the ledge . And nearly shit myself . He was massive , he looked at me as if to say " what ? " . I got a good shot that ripped diagonally through his body . I ripped him out of the hole and headed up to the dink . Christy grabbed one of the other spears and was about to hand it to me when I said " I think we 're done " and then showed her the catch of the day . I 've taken more impressive lobsters before but never one this heavy . He weighed in at 7 pounds 12 ounces . Thats not a dessert plate that his tail is on thats a full sized dinner plate . We 're gonna need more butter . . . . . We woke to a pleasant breeze outta the east north east so it was time to finally bid Big Majors Spot adieu . We hoisted the main , pulled the hook and sailed out of the anchorage . As soon as we were pointed in the right direction we let out half of the genoa and headed out around Harvey Cay and turned south . We were content to be a bit under canvassed as we rode a favorable breeze south at between 5 ½ to 6 ½ knots . We soon passed Black Point and the half dozen boats anchored there . Then we slid past White Bay and the easily recognizable landmark , the Sand Castle . After a very nice 22 mile day under sail we stopped before noon at Cave Cay . Cave Cay was one of the first " off the beaten path " anchorages that we stopped in several years ago . Most people head out into the sound at the Galliot Cay cut but by continuing on for another mile we found the little chunk of bliss , Cave Cay . Right after lunch we were in the water and after an hour and a half we were headed back to the boat with a half dozen lobsters . Then I fired up the laptop and made a pleasant discovery , wifi ! We 're anchored about a half mile north of Musha Cay and they broadcast a pretty strong wifi signal . Since they were nice enough let us use their wifi Christy did some internet research and found that Musha Cay is owned by David Copperfield . Evidently pulling a rabbit out of a hat pays a lot better than I had envisioned . Christy 's time on the internet found his website promoting the Cay as a high end get - away . When I say high end I 'm not kidding . The advertised price for a stay for you and up to eleven of your closest friends is $ 37 , 500 per night . Four night minimum ! The link will take you to their excellent website , it really does look quite spectacular . Musha Cay Who knows , maybe once my Energy Circle takes off we 'll be hanging with Oprah and Dave on Musha Cay . In the mean time we 'll have to be content watching the same sunset , eating lobster . If you do decide to drop the 150 large on a long weekend at Musha be sure to tell them that Veranda sent you . . . . . . . . . . A friend was having trouble with his watermaker . It was sucking air from somewhere and it was screwing up the whole magical process of turning seawater into drinking water . I tightened every hose clamp within a three mile radius and it only made things a little better . Then I realized that one hose just before the boost pump was deforming . The little boost pump was actually pulling a vacuum and collapsing the hose . That meant there had to be a blockage between the boost pump and the water inlet . The seacock for the raw water was on the other side of a bulkhead and I hadn 't seen it . It turned out that the seacock was an inch and a half that was necked down to 1 inch , necked again to ¾ of an inch before being reduced one more time to a ½ inch and THEN it went through a sea strainer . So anything small enough to fit into the original 1 ½ inch opening could theoretically slip down the hose until it found a diameter that was too small for it to fit through . But what are the chances of that happening . . . . . evidently a lot better than you might think . Sure enough I found a damn Lincoln Log ™ firmly wedged into one of the reducers . Once it was removed and the watermaker actually was presented with some sea water the magical process was once again happening like it should . After that it was on to another boat . I met this guy the night before , he was looking for help because his 50 foot trawler wouldn 't start . Hes out on the hook with twin Detroit diesels and a 20KW generator and none of em ' will start . He only recently bought the boat and didn 't seem too familiar with the boats systems . Even knowing that , I was still pretty surprised when I headed down into his engine room . There were the starting batteries sitting in a great battery box with complete access . Nothing unusual about that but what immediately caught my eye was the fact that sitting there on a shelf was an automobile type battery charger . It was hooked to the batteries and plugged in to the wall . I said " Cap ' n , where are you getting the power to run that charger ? " Because I already know that the generator isn 't running , the engines won 't start and unless hes got a mile and a half of extension cord run over to Staniel Cay there might be something supernatural going on here . He answered " From the inverter " . Huh , the inverter . This method of charging is called an " Energy Circle " , often referred to as a " black hole of energy " and sometimes shortened to " Amp Hole " . Not to be too technical but the mathematical formula is something like AC ÷ DC × DC ÷ AC × TIME × CHARGER INEFFICIENCY ± √ INVERTER INNEFICIENCY = dead batteries pretty f ' ing quick . I eventually got the boat started but this lesson in alternative physics got me thinkin ' . When we get back to the states I 'm gonna look into building a huge battery bank that I can combine with the largest inverter ever made all used in conjunction with a battery charger of immense proportions . By my yet unfinished calculations this set up will provide me with a power excess in the 70 million megawatt range . I can sell this power and within 3 weeks should have the necessary funds to build a second set up much like the first . From there its 4 and then 8 of these money makers . I 'll be able to take existing amps and multiply them by themselves in this cutting edge equipment that I 'll call " AMPlifiers " . Its all so neat and clean , its amptastic ! Of course , with so much cheap electricity , fossil fuels will go unneeded . The middle east will revert to the stone age without our petrodollars and we 'll all be driving Jetson like electric vehicles for practically nothing . Nuclear power will be a farce and investment in solar and wind power will come to a screeching halt . Why bother , they can 't compete with an Energy Circle . I can 't believe nobody has thought of this sooner . Naturally actual construction won 't begin until June of 2012 just in case the Mayans turned out to be correct about the world ending in May . This delayed start will give you the time to liquidate your holdings so you 'll have plenty of cash when this obvious investment opportunity is ready . Who wants to be the first to pour some money into this cutting edge Energy Circle technology . I 've already got the company logo . In the meantime I 'll be finishing up the planning as soon as I recharge my calculator . The luck of the draw . That pretty much sums up what every year often boils down to when talking about the weather . These last 5 years have been very varied in how well the weather has treated us during the cruising season in the Bahamas . The first 2 years we were down here the weather was akin to what tropical sailing dreams are made of . 10 to 15 knots of warm breeze outta the east for days on end . The clocking cold fronts would come through every few weeks with the regularity of a train schedule . It really was a very special time . Three seasons ago the weather was technically speaking , pure shit . In the states there was snow in the Carolinas , freezing temperatures in Miami and noteworthy blizzards in the northeast . Down here in the Bahamas things were better but by local weather standards the year sucked . Significant cold fronts were coming through every 4 or 5 days . Run and hide a day ahead of time , swim and hunt before the front arrived , sit on the boat and read for a day or so as the front passed through and then what ? The next front was often due to hit in 4 days . Do you head out for a day or so and then return to your hole to repeat it all again . Or do you just sit in the safety of your hidey hole and just wait for the next front to arrive and pass ? If that had been our first Bahamas experience I don 't know that we would have ever come back . Last year was another very nice season but this year has been something new altogether . WIND . Not necessarily from a bad direction but the intensity has been limiting what we can do . When we were in Nassau we wanted to head southeast but even though the winds were outta the northeast they were hovering at more than 25 knots . So beam reach or not we hid until the wind dropped below 20 knots . But then it had also come around closer to the bow and forced our hand to where we could go . After we made our break the winds built again right away and pinned us at Normans Cay . The wind finally veered enough that we lost our protection and had to run before it down to Big Majors Spot . It was a great day of sailing but we 've been fairly well pinned down since then . After 6 nights or so at Big Majors we made the 8 mile sail south to the settlement at Black Point . After 2 nights there we made a short hop north to Bitter Guana . We had never dealt with Iguanas before and the double bonus was the fact that we were there alone for 2 nights . After that bit o ' fun we jumped back up to Big Majors . I shouldn 't really complain because theres been plenty to do . Yesterday we dinghied in to Staniel Cay and enjoyed a meal at the yacht club and then walked around the cay a bit . There 's also been some swimmingand a few beach get togethers in the evenings including Rolands 75th birthday party tonight . Its only Tuesday but all 12 boats here in the anchorage are praying that the pleasant easterlies forecast for this weekend come to fruition . Right now the wind is pretty steady at 25 knots outta the northeast . We 'd like to jump out into Exuma Sound and the cuts have been ferocious for days . So we 'll be here for a few more days , who knows , maybe tomorrow night we 'll burn some garbage . . . . We went for a mile swim today . We took a 2 pound lobster as soon as we hit the water and the rest of the swim was spent looking at every rock and piece of coral we saw . One is better than nothing so we headed home for lunch . I didn 't have any trouble with my ears so it seems that Christy 's magical cure did the trick . After lunch we set out to find some fabled ocean side beaches to the south . Again we found ourselves walking along a fairly clean beach . No flotsam or jetsam , pretty much nothing . Unlike other places we 've been , I guess the currents just don 't hit this section of the Banks like it does in other places . Speaking of junk on the beach . As you know from past postings , a lot of the ocean side beaches are covered with the flotsam of mankind . In the past 5 years it would be fair to say that we 've seen 10 , 000 shoes washed up on shore . You 'll see a fairly distinctive shoe and think to yourself " I think I just saw the mate to that one , but where ? Was it earlier or was it yesterday , was it even this island ? " A few days ago , Bill from Alibi II removed all doubt when he found a matched pair of sneakers . Anybody need a pair of used sixes ? The anchorage was the calmest of any spot we 've stopped this season . We woke to light winds and the promise of a sunny day . After breakfast we traced down an electrical problem with our fridge . It turned out to be a bad ground connection but was quickly fixed . We dinghied in towards shore and slipped into the water to do a little hunting . The bottom was mostly rocky but offered decent protection for lobsters so we were optimistic . The water was less than 8 feet deep for several hundred yards . Once we reached deeper water my ears started giving me problems . I took a lobster in about 10 feet of water but then the water started getting deeper . We were getting swept along by the outgoing tide and soon found a Nassau Grouper in the 15 pound range . He 's out of season and I just couldn 't bring myself to drop the hammer on him . Part of it was trying to keep my Karma intact and the other part was that my ears were hurting to the point that I was getting nauseous . Hiding near the base of the very next rock was a huge Black Grouper . He is not protected so I dropped down to give it a go . My head was pounding , I was feeling queasy and even though he was hiding under a fairly small rock I just couldn 't put forth the effort needed to take him . It was gonna be at least 2 or 3 dives , fighting a pretty big current , I just didn 't have it in me . Staying in the water was going to be a waste of time so we hopped back into the dink and headed home . After lunch I popped a decongestant , Christy poured some magical crap in my ears and I took a nap . After an hour I was feeling better so we headed in to shore to meet the iguanas and do some beach combing . There are 3 cays that I 'm aware of in the Exumas that have populations of wild iguanas . There 's Allen Cay , Bitter Guana Cay and Leaf Cay . This was our first stop at any of them . The iguanas are cool as hell . When you reach the beach they come storming out of the brushline . The bigger ones are every bit of 3 feet long . I brought my iguana stick and they sensed my willingness to use it so they were only a bit aggressive with us but they did seem to enjoy beating the shit out of each other . After communing with the wildlife for a bit we headed across the cay to the ocean side in search of some beachiness . We found a pretty nice tidal pool surrounded by acres of ironshore . After walking for a bit we did find a series of small beaches that were actually quite clean and yielded only a few beans and some seaglass . We spent the morning taking a walk along the oceanside beach . We alternated talk about the weather with scanning the shoreline for treasures . We were with the crews of 3 other boats and everybody came home with something cool . While we were walking the mailboat arrived . We headed home to eat lunch to give the people a chance to collect their goods for their shops . After lunch we headed in to Deshamons . Deshamons makes a hell of a good pizza . We had just eaten lunch but Fine Lion , Sapphire and Alibi II were all over it . We did have a few beers with them while Christy took care of some last minute online chores . Much to our surprise as we untied from the dock we spied the Savage Son just dropping the hook in the anchorage . They opted to stay in the states for Thanksgiving and were about a week behind . We swung by to say our hellos and headed home to the boat to put away our newly purchased vegetables and special ordered coconut bread . You see , when you arrive in Black Point the first thing you HAVE to do is hail Lorraine 's Cafe on the VHF and order some of her mothers fresh baked bread . If you order it today her mom will make it first thing the next morning and its ready to pick up around noon . Lorraine 's Moms coconut bread is an institution and might be the finest bread ever made . Including bread made in France . Baguettes be damned . After stowing our food we bandied about several ideas of what exactly we should do while we ate a few slices of that damn good bread . Our original plan was to head for some seclusion and after some back and forth Christy & I decided to pull the hook and get out of Dodge . There was a bit of rain and we were treated to a great rainbow as we slowly motored out of the anchorage . An all motor trip of less than 4 miles brought us someplace we had never been before , the northern anchorage at Bitter Guana Cay . Fortunately Bitter Guana is right between Staniel Cay and Black Point . Most people stop at the great anchorage at Big Majors Spot because of it proximity to Staniel Cay . When they leave there its only an 8 mile trek to Black point and Lorraine 's mothers bread so Bitter Guana kinda slips through the cracks . I can 't recall ever seeing a cruising boat anchored off Bitter Guana so we were looking forward to some alone time even though we were just around the corner from 2 great destinations . The anchorage was bigger , better protected than I expected and more picturesque to boot . The island is populated by wild iguanas and tomorrow should be an interesting day . We have the whole island to ourselves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yeah , thats right , naked time . . . . The huge winds out of the north northeast have abated and people are once again on the move . Evidently there were several boats hanging on the moorings up in the park at Warderick Wells . The wind is down and people started showing up in Big Majors Spot so it was time to move on . We pulled the hook and had a perfect 8 mile sail out around Harvey Cay and into the anchorage at Black Point . Internet was sketchy with the wifi at Lorraine 's Cafe being down . We walked into the islands tiny grocery store and found it empty . One inedible pepper , two onions well past their prime and nothing else . Fortunately , the mailboat was scheduled to arrive the next day so we sat for a day and hoped to grab some veggies the next day . On the plus side though we were able to do our laundry . Its been a while since we 've been here at Black Point and the evidence of hurricane Irenes passing is everywhere . The thing that impacted us the most was the fact that the laundromats dock was destroyed . We had to lug our laundry from the government dock rather than just flop it up onto the laundromats dock and walk it inside . The government dock was usable but was still being repaired when we arrived . Several homes were in various stages of repair . This block home has been standing for years but it looks as if someone has started to finish it . I 'd love to read the building code here . . . . if there is one . We 're still safely tucked in near the middle beach at Big Majors Spot . The winds been blowing 20 knots outta the north . Its supposed to climb towards 30 and come from the northeast over the weekend so we 'll sit here for a few more days . We 're anchored just off the exclusive resort on Fowl Cay . There are worse places to be trapped . . . . . There 's about 8 sailboats here and room for a hundred so crowding isn 't an issue . We spent a couple of hours in the water yesterday and grabbed another 5 lobsters . I 'm a little disappointed in the amount of Lionfish that I 've been seeing . I usually kill em ' whenever I see them but there 's so many here it would turn into a full time job . I did kill a bunch though and even took one that was the size of a damn chicken . By far the biggest I 've seen yet . Last night we spent the evening on the beach burning garbage and sharing cocktails and snacks with the rest of the anchorage . I have to throw a compliment to Bess from Alibi II 's way . She took the conch we managed to chase down the other day and whipped them into the best cracked conch I 've ever eaten . Of course , shortly after that one of the pigs from Pig Beach came wandering out of the woods and made a beeline for the assembled snack foods . I had a 4 foot long branch and used it to tap , poke and prod the pig to keep him at bay . He was insistent and I was actually feeling a bit bad about whacking him on the snout to back him off . Finally Bess says " you 're not doing that right " and snatches the stick from my hand and smacks him . He backs off a bit but shes after him and pretty soon she looks like some insane shepard as she chases him back into the woods smacking at his ass the whole way . She even had him squealing . A word from the wise , if Bess has a stick and says move , I 'd do it . She talks softly but carries a pig stick . On our second day at Normans Cay Christy and I decided to take a long swim . So we took the dink up the backside of the cay to the northern end . We slipped into the water and started swimming back towards the boat . I towed the dinghy behind me on a long tether . After over an hour we got back to the boat in time for lunch . After lunch we headed out with the Alibi II 's for a little hunting & gathering . After a short time we had collected a half dozen large conch and a trio of lobster between us . I happened to look up and noticed that the front we 've been waiting for was bearing down on us . So we quit the water and raced back to the boats to square everything away before the wind hit us . And hit us it did . The wind built to 20 knots out of the north northwest as did the wind driven chop . The only problem was that when the boat turned to face the wind shift it left us beam to the rolling seas . Sleep did not come easily for anyone within radio range . Our night sucked but so did everyone elses . One guy just 5 miles to our south said his wind machine had recorded a gust to 50 knots during the night . So since we were already awake we were outta there at first light . The benefit of this front was that we had an excellent day of sailing down to Big Majors Spot . With 18 knots or so behind the beam it made for a wonderful 35 mile day . We had the hook down by 1300 hours with the huge anchorage practically to ourselves . Later in the day several friends slipped in and dropped the hook . As the plan stands at the moment I think we 're gonna sit here for a week or so . Its supposed to blow briskly from the east for several days . Its pleasant here , we have superb easterly protection and there 's opportunity to do some hunting so we 're pretty happy here .

color was thrown around like an ecstatic lie to cover up the dark quiet that bleak situations bleed . Orange . Like careless finger paints splattered around on the floor . Purple silk scattered bathrobes tied tight to the morning . Yellow sun . Move just a little slower . Late night hope still clings on to fun . A few pocket dollars and a rude hour . No one will see . Color drains . From the bath tub to their faces . The night still sucks sweet . A jungle of houses depart from the ground . Lifting up , up , and away like a pigeon trying to fly . The stoop is still planted and the vertical apartment houses sway with the wind . Almost . Railings throw their arms up to the red city sky . Begging or praying for something above . Windows gasp and cough to breathe the fresh air . Hoagies . Stumped cigarettes . Plastic bags mistaken for tumble weeds . Everything keeps rolling in a siren silence . Drifting down broken streets with thoughtful names . The large woman across the street escapes from her children with white , wild , eyes . Laughing loud and shrill . Frantic and alone , but not for long . The moments can barely be counted when stray cats are the only company . Her hair strings out like wire on an electrocuted sound . She looks fast with darting eyes . Wider . Wider ! Wild ! Traveling down empty power lines , every lonesome window can be heard . Howling . Crazy laughter from somewhere off in the distance . Houses roll by in a slow dilopidated depression far from the screaming children of fire orange and silk purple stuck in between a licourice mood . On 05 - 29 - 2008 , at approximately 4 : 00 AM , a woman was walking in the 1500 S . 21st Street when she was approached from behind by an unknown B / M . The male grabbed the victim by the neck , punched her in the face and then forced her to the ground . At this point , the offender pulled a condom out of his pocket . The victim kicked the offender and she fled on foot . The male ran after the victim and began pulling her hair . The victim continued to fight and scream causing the offender to flee the location on foot . Officers stopped the male at 21st and Tasker Streets based on the flash information . The victim was able to positively identify the offender as the male who had assaulted her . The offender was placed under arrest by officers from the 17th District . There is a sense of pride as people talk about the 17th district . It 's not quite in West Philly , but close enough for me . A neighbor comes in sometimes to sit in the living room and chat with my roommate . He is constantly talking about some kind of violence and with a smile , he always tells us about the times he wins the fight . Rarely will he tell us about the times he got mugged or punched in the face . I hear kids playing with toy guns on our block . The parents laugh and pretend to arrest them as they squeal with laughter . Late at night the district rolls over . The kids are asleep or crying in their cribs and the parents aren 't so different from the alley cats . I find dark faces creeping along the alleyways , hidden in doorways , asleep in a corner . People watch guard of their corner as big drug deals come in . The men playing dice on the corner laugh loudly and whistle at the girls walking by . We shut our doors and roll over . Today is my tenth day clean . I hate today . There 's nothing more that I want to do right now than go down to 5th and washington . but no . Yesterday ( 9th day ) I went to a different meeting in center city this time . There were a lot more younger people there and I felt like I could relate more to them . A guy named Jack picked me up before the meeting and we got coffee at the old cafe steph / eric / I used to go to . Jack lived in south philly his whole life . He used to live in the same area as I do . " Back when there was a baseball field and not a basketball court . " Apparently things were safer then than they are now . It surprised me . Everyone I 've talked to in NA can identify with where I 'm living in some way . Most of them say to think about moving because it 's a real hot spot . Needless to say - I don 't walk around at night . Jack is one of those big Italian Catholic men who has the accent . He talks a lot , which I like in a funny sort of way . He 's charming in an honest way . He plays hockey and he was wearing his jersey to the meeting . He told me to find my higher power and rest assure that this was not a cult . I could hear my mother 's voice in the back of my head saying " Rebecca , you 're not dumb . You can be kind of naive , just remember to stay away from all those cults . " I smiled , fading back into the leather of Jack 's big SUV . The speaker was really good last night . A lot of times they get really animated and into what they are talking about . ( Rightfully so ) This one was a tour guide and had to put up with cranky old ladies . He was going over the sixth step which is something about " personal defects " . I don 't like thinking about my shit qualities as defects . It makes me feel like some sort of robot that is supposed to be perfect and " illiminate the defects . " or something like that . We all have shit qualities . We can tone them down , but they 're never going to disappear . So far - I 'm doing what I should be doing . I need to stay clean for about a month before I can start working on the 12 steps . I feel so ridiculous going to this stuff . Hugging . Talking about higher powers . Chanting prayers . It 's weird . This morning I was so close to calling someone for dope . I got out my suboxone medicine instead . I don 't know if that 's good or not . Suboxone is to help get off heroin and I was prescribed to it by my doctor , but I had been on it for four days and decided to stop . The past couple of days have been nightmares though . I get these wicked cravings . My doctor said I should stay on it for two months , but I don 't want to get addicted to suboxone . What 's the point in that ? The basement was flooded with sewage . The toilet wouldn 't flush and the corner stores did not have public bathrooms . What was one to do ? I waited for as long as I could , but when nature called there was nothing I could do . Peeing was not an option . I walked next door to the woman who often sat on her stoop . She would joke with the neighbors and say hello to everyone that lived in our house . I found her sitting on her stoop , drinking lemonade . " My bathroom doesn 't work and I hate to ask you this , but do you think I could use yours ? " I had only said hi to her a few times and she didn 't really know us . Her smile flashed broad and white as she nodded her head with a knowing smile . She led me through the front door of her identical looking house . The outside was a mirror to our house , but from inside it was a different world . The furniture was mostly broken and the floors were half way ripped up with un - finished wood pannels . A narrow stairwell led upstairs to the single bathroom . I didn 't know how to explain to her that this wasn 't going to be a pretty sight . The bathroom was a small room with only a bath tub and a small toilet with a metal chain attached to the handle . I sat and looked out the window into the back courtyard . A few mintues later I saw the woman throwing my shit out her window . Her toilet didn 't work either apparently . She must have not wanted me to know that it was broken . How long had her pipes not been working ? Her smile was big when I asked if I could use her bathroom , she never hinted that she had the same problems and maybe a similar money situation . Through pride and manners , she never said a thing to me about it , not then , not ever . I am eternally grateful . Dr . K called me the other day and reffered me to someone who is willing to prescribe me suboxone . I 'm ecstatic . I called him today but the earliest time he has for an appointment is two weeks away . God give me strength . Philadelphia is raining again . It starts every night a couple hours after dark and doesn 't end until early morning . I watched the rain from inside a cushy cab to the bank . One of those creepy guys in their forties who always look nervous , was driving slowly down Washington ave . " Oh I miss my wife . " He met his wife two years ago but they deported her to Albania a year after . This june was supposed to be their anniversary where he visited her in Europe , but his mother died and he had to stay in the U . S . this year . Do I work ? He wants to know because HE works all day and night to get some money for his wife . " She tells me that she loves me and she knows how men have … . " he looks in the rear view mirror . " needs . so she says to me that I should go out and get a girl . " he laughs weakly as I watch the chinese food stores roll by . Wet people loitering around the laundromat held their heads to their shoes . Pacing . Dear God I just don 't know if I can do it . I woke up dreaming about a house in the forest with a few other large houses next to it . There were a lot of glass windows and sliders . I was walking around the woods one afternoon when a group of prisoners took me away . I was headed for jail but we were sentenced by guards to cross the mountain . Coyotes . Guns . Rape . It was terrible and so real . Nic was looking for me , I could tell , but I didn 't know where to find him . The prisoners and I ended up in a big house somewhere remote where a prison guard pulled a giant switch on one of the walls . The entire house was plunged under water . Somehow I got out and started running back to the house with glass windows . Days and days later I made it . I can 't stop crying . This is terrible . It 's valentines day and I want to call my mom , but I know if I do , I 'll end up telling her everything and she 'll get worried and I just wanted so bad to be alright . I wanted to move to Philly and prove that I could hold my own . I hate myself . I hate every part of me . I hate my hair . I hate my shoulders . I hate my brain . I hate everythig . every goddamn last thing . I don 't think things are going to get better . I thought about ending it . I always fuck that up too . I thought about going home . I fuck that up too . There 's nothing left . nothing except a house underwater . No , Rebecca . Remember the first day was worse . It was colder . You were sicker . There was less to eat . Now you 've got to get up . Put on your makeup . Brush your hair . Clean yourself up . I know no one is home now , and it may feel like you 've lost your support group , but this is the time to prove that you can be alright . It 's valentines day . You 're going to make it . Today was hell . I figured I should write it down before I either explode in silence , or pass out from exhaustion . From six a . m . to two p . m . I started feeling the symptoms . From two p . m . I staggered out of bed naked from last night . I desperately wanted to use the bathroom but to my luck , our pipes broke and the toilets don 't work . I grabbed a thin bathrobe and made it to the shower . My first success . About twenty minutes later I hobbled back to my room to try and turn on the space heater , but it sparked off ( which means I have to unplug it and wait for a half hour to turn it back on . ) So then I cried for a little while . ( The space heater was a big upset as you can see ) I tried sleeping but dreams consisted of a whore house with flashing lights leading to mine and a friend 's arrest for using dope . After that I didn 't really feel tired . Upstairs to Joe 's room it was . This was the second success . I couldn 't find the hair brush under all the filth in our room so I just left it wet and tangled . I listened to MFDoom and Michael Jackson records with Matthew and Joe and Joe 's new girlfriend . I smiled when Matthew started dancing to ' PYT ' . That was my third success . Someone asked me why I was so sick . I told Matthew what was going on and he was really really supportive . He wasn 't upset at all and it felt so good to have people that knew and were really genuinely concerned let me hang out with them . That was my fourth success . Then . Came the unimaginable . Matthew suggested we go out for pizza . The weather must have been negative with wind and I was already cold , but I knew I had to get out or I would start feeling worse . After about an hour of procrastinating and listening to more records , we left the house . It was bitter frozen . The winds were hitting the alleys like boxers . Mad boxers . Maybe as mad as Mike Tyson himself . At a slow group pace , we gradually defeated Mike Tyson one step at at a time and made it to 7th and Carpenter . I bought a a big pizza for everyone and ate about half a slice before throwing up . We talked about the stupid news that was on the pizza parlor tv . I laughed when we all made fun of the chickens that were ' running ramped in a PA middle school . ' That was the fifth success . We ate and talked for a long time . I got to use the bathroom at the pizza place . Sixth success . I bought something to drink and as Matthew and the gang went to the library , I made it home with out any lurking pedestrians asking me if ' I was good ? ' Seventh Success . I was approaching the stoop when a terrible thought crossed my mind . What if the door is locked . Now , I did have my keys around my neck , but I am a frequent worrier and one of my problems is opening locked doors . Sure enough the door was locked . It must have been a test of God . I finally found the latch to my necklace ( were my keys safely rest ) and with frigid fingers got the keys to miraculously fit in the door . Eighth Success ! ! With an adventure accomplished and a small amount of food still in me , I went upstairs and lied down to watch cartoons for an hour . I went back downstairs to socialize with the roommates and watch a movie later on tonight . Ninth success .

Just a some of the things we 've seen this week . Queen Elizabeth Roses in the back yard . Hell 's Fire iris in the front flower bed . It now has 4 blooms which is incredible considering last spring , this plant was no more than 4 " tall . And lastly , the gekko in our large QE rosebush in the flowerbed in front of the dining room window . We have 3 more iris that have blooms - - - one is white & the other two look like a deep purple . I 'm anxious to see what other ones decide to bloom this year ! So we 've had a busy week - - - who hasn 't ? Sunday was the PTA 's Exec . Board meeting where we took the rough ideas the Field Day Chair had & organized Field Day . It looks like last year 's problems have been ironed out & we 'll be starting new traditions for FD that will be fun for everyone . Monday I had a Media Technology Meeting with the ever - wonderful Kristine in the library . Again - - - we hashed out a few ideas for AR Celebration Week that will 1 ) start new traditions for the students that will be fun & 2 ) be easy for us to pull off without too much frustation . Which is really important . Happy volunteers = well run event = happy students . Tuesday I dropped off my clothes for the Just4Kidz sale . I 'm happy to say that as of this morning ( with 2 more days left ) , I 've sold 30 out of 39 items ! ! Speech for Sunshine in the afternoon & then home . Wednesday is when the week took a turn . And not a good turn ! I had come in from walking Smitty & was having breakfast when the nurse called to let me know Sunshine had gotten sick in the classroom & could I please pick her up . When I got into the nurse 's office , I saw Sunshine 's teacher who informed me that not only did Sunshine get sick , she managed to involve another child whose clothes suffered more than his pride . Luckily , he didn 't get sick . Wednesday was school picture day for class pics & spring individual pics . Sunshine keeps her class pics in a frame next to her bed - - - they go all the way back to her 2 yr old preschool class . Her teacher suggested getting her home , cleaned up , rested & when it was their turn she 'd call me & I could sneak her into the gym for the pic . Which is what we did . Until we 'd been at school for over an hour . They 'd called to let her teacher know they 'd be going in 15 min but somehow 15 minutes to the photographers means almost 90 minutes in photography time . As we were lining the kids up from tallest to shortest to go into the gym , Sunshine got sick again . * sigh * Poor little peanut . Again , there was a victim - - - one of her friends who was running around the claPosted by I 'm just a girl who can 't say no . Not exactly like her , but I have a terrible time saying no people . You need someone to volunteer at a school event ? Sure , I 'll do it . You need someone to take over a PTA Chair position ? Me ! You need someone to watch your children ? Absolutely ! ! Need help in the classroom every day for 2 weeks ? What time do you need me ? We need to organize meals for a soldier / spouse for 2 - 3 weeks ? I 'll send an email out right away ! What 's that ? Your grandson will be visiting w / his mother & you need an extra car seat ? Yes , I have one - - let me bring it to you ! Need someone to call other Army wives to get info to them ? Give me my list ! Huh ? One of the other callers flaked & you need someone to take on her 6 wives ? I 'll add them to mine ! I 'm exhausted writing this . And I 'm guilty of doing all of the above & then some . I don 't know if it 's my " must make sure everyone is happy ALL THE TIME " nature or whether it 's some bizarre desire to control things . Probably both , but at the end of the day , I 'm like Ado Annie - - - I can 't say no to people asking me to do things . I was a FRG volunteer for almost all of Hunter 's deployments & would rationalize my involvement as a way to stay informed , myself . During the last deployment , I enjoyed the other women who were actively involved so what better way to stay in contact with them ? VOLUNTEER ! The " highlight " of my inability to say no was to " lend " our extra car seat to a woman whose daughter was indeed visiting with the grandson & they needed a car seat . Did anyone have an extra one they could use . OF COURSE I DO ! Because car seats are so inexpensive that really , why wouldn 't you be lending them to everyone ? ? ! Especially another Army wife , right ? The two weeks that she needed the seat quickly passed & my car seat was never returned . I called her , I went by her house , I emailed her . Nothing . I realize that it 's all on her for basically stealing my car seat , but still . I willingly lent it to her . No , I gave it to her . Fast forward to this year . I volunteer to be Co - Room Posted by Hunter 's always been fascinated by RC planes & has owned a couple since we 've been together . One met a brutal death on a field on post . When our new furniture arrived he gave a little demo to the movers with his little helicopter ( which Sunshine loves , but Smitty hates ) . So , yesterday when he asked Sunshine if she wanted to go out to post to watch him fly his plane , I chimed in that I wanted to go too ! What a wonderful afternoon - - - we drove to an old air strip past Uchee Creek , but near Fryar Field . As we were getting out of the car , we noticed a large plane overhead . Then we noticed the airborne students jumping out . Good thing I brought the DSLR camera rather than my little point & shoot ! Sunshine was amazed by the jumpers but was soon focusing her attention on Daddy 's plane . I fully admit , I have NO interest in RC planes or the like , but it was really fun to watch Hunter make his plane fly , do little tricks & land . Sadly , toward the end the battery died & she crashed . A new propeller is on the " to do " list & more battery power is needed , but wow , such a fun afternoon ! ! Yes , I realize it 's two months early , but my ring from Gold ' n Gems came today ! I was so excited , I opened the package at the end of the drive way while I was talking to our next door neighbor . I LOVE my ring ! If you 'll remember , Sunshine & I found this stone ( corundum ) , didn 't think it was anything valuable & threw it over the edge of the sluice . Read here if you need to remember the story . At any rate , my ring came today & it 's more beautiful than I could have imagined . The color is lovely & actually a deeper raspberry than the photo shows . It 's a cabochon cut stone with an asterism . JewelInfo4u describes an asterism as : a phenomenon by which a star shaped light effect has been shown across the surface of the gem through the reflection or transmission of light . I 'm still chuckling over the fact that I didn 't want to " grubbin " for stones , but I 'm so glad we did . It was a great time & I 'm so happy with how my ring turned out . Now I 'm off to look at their catalog to see what settings they have for earrings . Sunshine & I found an awful lot of amethysts ! Remember Gilda Radner & the early years of SNL ? I was around 10 when my parents in some sort of lapse of awareness of what SNL was , would let me stay up on occasion to watch SNL if my oldest brother ( 10 years older than me ) was home . I remember seeing so many now - classic sketches . Gilda always made me laugh . Especially the Judy Miller show . Now I look at this clip & laugh because there are so many times that the modern day Judy Miller Show plays out in my home under it 's new name of The Sunshine Show . Seriously . The imagination on this kid is insane . Insane in an entirely good way . The things she comes up with are absolutely amazing . Today we had a full on re - enactment of Cinderella in the drive way while I sat & knitted . And giggled as I watched . It was proceeded by the Leprechaun Show , complete with a green sand pail on her head as a hat . And Irish dancing . A few weeks ago I was talking with her teacher & we both agreed the imagination & sense of humor were off the charts . I confessed that she makes us laugh at least once a day , usually more with her antics or comments . Her knock - knock jokes are getting a little stale however - - - perhaps she needs a new joke writer . Posted by that feel better than sleeping in on a Saturday morning ? Especially when you 're a parent . And your spouse has been sleeping in ( 10 am average ! ) all week due to being on Spring Break . I 'm proud to admit , I rolled out of bed at 9 : 49 am this morning ! It was heavenly ! Sunshine & I went to a matinee of Mars Needs Moms this afternoon . Her choice . At some point she decided she didn 't want to see Gnomeo & Juliet but MNM was a must see . Total mixed bag ! The message was very positive , but there were some scenes where she sat on my lap with both her & my hands over her eyes . Several scenes brought tears to her eyes ( and mine ) but the ending left her happy & dancing in her seat . We saw some previews that we promised we 'd see next month & oh so many annoying commercials . I don 't need ( or want ) to see Diet Coke or Sprite commercials in the movie theaters . I want my movie trivia & my previews . That 's it . Tonight we " Spring Ahead " & set the clocks ahead one hour . I 'm secretly admitting that I 'm afraid of doing this . Obviously I 've done it many times before , but I almost always suffer from sleep issues in the days & sometimes weeks that follow . Ambien helps but ugh , I hate relying on it to get to sleep . Fortunately , it doesn 't bother Sunshine . Both of us don 't need to be sleep deprived ! Next week is busy as I 'm helping out a friend whose regular sitter is recovering from a ruptured appendix . Sunshine & her son ( the friend ) sit next to one another in class & I 'll be watching his little sister who is 4 . And spunky . We 're going to have fun going to story time & playing . I 'm sure she 's going to love Smitty & Sunshine 's dolls . Which reminds me , I need to let Sunshine know to put away anything she doesn 't want A . getting into . We also have our Family Fun Night at school next weekend . I managed to open my big mouth at last week 's PTA Exec . Board meeting to let the FFN chair know how she could go about getting volunteers from local high schools to help out . Of course , this resulted in ME making calls / sending emails to recruit said volunteerPosted by If you have a child , know a child , have ever seen a child , chances are you 've seen joy in a child 's eyes . Think about birthdays , Christmas , a " just because " surprise , the morning after the Tooth Fairy has come for the very first time . You never forget that look on their darling little faces & the light in their eyes . I was able to bring that look to a little girl 's face today . A little girl who wasn 't mine . I spent my morning here with several other volunteers . It was slow when we arrived so I started going through the winter coats to make sure the right sizes were in the right sections . I then moved onto dresses when some of the children started coming in . One of them was a little girl I 'll call " Sarah " Sarah is a 7 year old 2nd grader with a sweet smile and such a fun little personality . She was " shopping " with her school librarian as well as one of her sisters and one of her brothers . There are 5 children in her family . We started off with dresses and Sarah 's eyes grew big as saucers as we picked out some that would fit her . The suggested list of clothing items is : 5 tops , 1 - 2 dresses , 3 pairs of jeans / pants , 1 warm coat , 1 light weight , 1 pair of new shoes , 1 pair of used , undies / socks . I 'm admitting to you that I jam packed Sarah 's bag with everything and anything that fit her and that brought a smile to her face . We spent an hour and a half together and honestly , it was so much fun . She has such a kind heart and I found myself wanting to bring her home and spoil her . Like Sunshine , Cinderella is her favorite princess and she loves to read . I imagined them playing Barbies in Sunshine 's room , giggling away and playing with Cinderella dolls . When she told me her 16 year old cousin was pregnant with a baby boy , it was everything I could do to keep my mouth shut and tell her that SHE herself needed to finish school , get an education , a job and live part of her life before she even consider bringing another child into the world . But that 's not what you do when you 're volunteering there . Sarah gave me the biggest hug whPosted by Specifically my addiction to Charlie Sheen & the train wreck that his life has become . I was smitten with him when I saw Ferris Bueller oh so many years ago . Loved him in Platoon ( okay , I just really liked Platoon ) . Just loved him , but I admit , I did NOT watch " Two and a half men " I just don 't do sitcoms . Lately I 've found myself watching his webcasts . I have no idea why . Maybe it 's morbid curiosity . I just can 't NOT watch . The rants , the rambling , the over all nuttiness suck me in each time . I know it 's tragic , but I can 't help it . It 's clearly not educating me nor am I gaining anything by watching , yet I do . I can 't imagine the pain his family is experiencing as a result of his behavior . His children ( with the exception of one ) aren 't old enough to know what 's going on , but they 're old enough to miss daddy . And in the age of the internet , this stuff won 't be going away so they 'll be able to find it when they 're old enough to access the ' net . Today is Ash Wednesday & while I 'm no longer a practicing Catholic , I 'm trying to figure out what to give up for Lent . I 'll admit , Charlie Sheen was on the list . I 'm leaning toward fast food . I don 't eat a real lot of it , but I really shouldn 't be eating it , period . Sonic 's strawberry shakes bring a smile to my face , but certainly do nothing for my hips . And let 's be real - - - it 's March in Georgia , next month can be warm enough for pool weather . We try to eat healthy at home & I try to limit what treats come into our house as I do all the grocery shopping , but I 've been known to grab a quick lunch on the run or on a road trip . It 's pretty hard to eat a salad while driving . Just sayin ' . So I have a couple hours to figure out what 's going away for Lent . Right now I 'm leaning toward fast food . Charlie Sheen may not be informative or educational , but he 's not bad for my health ( or figure ) the way a strawberry shake or cheeseburger is . Duh , Winning ! Like this picture - - - love the way our pear tree looks when it 's in full bloom . When those blossoms fall on the ground ? Ugh . I 'm a lip balm addict . You will find tins of Smith 's Rosebud or Strawberry Lip Salves in my purse , makeup bag , bathroom , nightstand , and in a drawer in the end table in the living room . I 'm pretty sure there are more stashed away somewhere . I had to stop keeping them in my car as they 'd get melty when the car got hot . And if they were upside or weren 't level , they 'd reform in a weird shape . I love Aveda hair products ( we 've talked about this in another blog post ) . I go back and forth with other brands but will always come back to Aveda . There 's something about that smell that always hooks me . I 'm also a Philosophy girl . This after years of working for Lauder ( and several of their subsidiaries ) and Lancome . My routine is very simple & honestly , at 43 - - my skin looks great . I know part of it is genetics , part of it is taking care of my skin since I was a teen & part of it is freakishly obsessive daily sunscreen use . I love their kits - - - face wash , eye cream , serum & moisturizer for the price of another brand 's moisturizer ? No brainer there ! I love Chico 's . I 've been a customer for 20 years & while I don 't love all their clothes , will nearly always find things that fit & look good . I wore their Travelers Collection during my pregnancy with Sunshine . I may mix in some Target t 's & shorts but Chico 's - - - love ! I 'm a purse snob . I love my Lancel bag from Paris . Love my 10 year old Prada bag bought on clearance in Montreal . Love my Kate Spade . And I 'm one of " those " people whose bag & wallet HAVE TO match . My friends mock me for it but it 's just my thing . And I blame my old Coach days for this . When you shop the Coach outlets they make it too easy for you to have everything all matchy - matchy . I hate flip flops . I can 't wear them . I can 't wear any sort of sandal that has something between my toes . It bothers me to no end . It ' makes my friend Jami cry when I admit this , so Jami - - - skip this part . I hate when you Posted by Happy Adoption Day to you ! Here 's Sunshine giving Smitty his present tonight . One year ago I went to Michaels to buy ribbon for Sunshine 's hair as it had finally grown out enough from the Horrible Haircut of ' 09 to pull back into a small pony with some ribbon . Since it was a Sunday , I wandered over to PetSmart as it 's their adoption day . There were so many cute little dogs - - - despite having a decent size fenced - in yard , we 're still small dog people . Love my brothers ' labs ( one brother has a chocolate , the other has a black as well as a yellow lab ) , but 85 lbs of dog sharing my bed vs . 15 lbs of dog ? I choose 15 ! So , tons of sweet little doggies - - - so many ear scratches , coos of " what a good girl / boy " & general " ooooh I so want to bring you home ! " followed . I found myself in the back of the store when a shelter was unloading their dogs . That 's when I saw Smitty . He was scruffy & immediately marked his little crate when they took him out of their crate . He had big brown eyes & when I saw his little Schnauzer face I was in love . I started texting Hunter who told me to " just say no " and to walk away . But , I didn 't . I was walking Smitty in the store & to my amazement he walked nicely on the leash . He listened to commands . The story from the shelter was sketchy . I was told he was surrendered by a family whose little girl was abusive to him . I was also told he was surrendered due to financial issues . For whatever reason , someone gave him up & I was going to bring him home with me . Persistence paid off & next thing I knew Hunter was bringing Sunshine down to the store so they could see him . The shelter said his name was Smut . Seriously . Who in their right mind names a dog " Smut " ? ? ? The name had to go , but I wanted a name that was close so he wouldn 't be too terribly confused , thus Smitty was born . I 'll admit , buyers remorse kicked in pretty quickly when I realized that Libby wasn 't impressed with our new family member . At all . There would be moments when she 'd let him get close to her & they 'd snuggle together , but they were lauriec There 's a great deal of popularity today with " junkin " , thrift stores , and " picking " , . If you can think of other terms , feel free to throw them in here . I 've been hitting antique stores , thrift stores , auctions , for over 20 years . Wait , did I just date myself ? Anyway . The concept isn 't new to me . We 've been wanting to make over our living room ever since we moved into this house a year and a half ago . I loved the paint color we chose for the living room but once our furniture was in here , I realized ( with horror ) that our sofa was basically a lighter version of the walls . Gold , gold , beige , beige . Ugh . How could I do this ? I 've wanted a chocolate brown leather couch for years . Ask anyone who knows me well - - - they were sick of hearing about it . Last month we decided to go couch / love seat shopping after receiving a catalog from the PX ( the military 's department store ) . We 'd just received our tax refund & figured it was a good time to buy . In the catalog was a beautiful chocolate brown sofa & love seat in leather . The only problem is you buy them sight unseen if they don 't have floor models at the furniture annex of the PX . Of course , ours doesn 't have the higher end merchandise . How would I know if it was comfy ? How would I know if I could stretch out on the couch & have a little power nap in the afternoon ? Would I like the feel of this leather ? I 'm nothing if not neurotic ! After visiting several furniture stores we stumbled into one closest to our house ( of course ) & found 2 that we liked - - - a chocolate brown leather sectional ( we were getting rid of a sectional ) & it 's cousins - - the couch / love seat . We settled on the couch / love seat combo & waited for today for them to arrive . While we were waiting , the quest for the perfect end & coffee table began . Did we want round ? Rectangular ? Glass top ? Wrought iron base ? Say it with me - - - - neurotic ! Last weekend we went to a multi - dealer antique / thrift shop in Alabama . We quickly found one coffee table & an end table we liked . Older , but well made & in good shape ( but not the enPosted by On Friday night our internet went out . Then our phone followed . Calls to our cable / internet / phone company revealed that indeed , there was a " problem in your area " . When things still weren 't fixed 8 hours later , another call was made . Oh so sorry , we 'll get someone out withing 24 - 48 hours . Don 't they know that I have a farm & city to run ? Status messages to giggle over ? Email that needs my immediate attention ? ! Apparently they do know but just do not care . It would be Tuesday before our phone & " interwebs " were up and running . Tuesday I went to a local hotel with lots of other collectors because these guys were in town . I gathered up my Whiting & Davis mesh bag collection ( well , 6 of my bags ) as well as the Italian mosaic jewelry that I used to collect . I got to the hotel , signed in with the roadshow & sat with the other collectors who were hoping for the chance to make the " OMG , grandma 's tea pot is worth WHAT ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ! " happy face . I was number 31 & when I sat down , they were on number 16 . A lot of people had coins as the ads specified , they were looking for gold / silver . Several collectors were very knowledgeable about their collections . We started to notice that there were very few " OMG grandma 's tea pot is worth WHAT ? ? ? ! ! ! " happy faces coming out of the evaluation room . In fact , some people were coming out with very sour expressions . Some told us that we shouldn 't waste our time waiting to be seen . Hmmmm . One of the more talkative gentlemen with coins was called several numbers before me . When he came out , he told another gentleman to leave as he was offered face value for his silver coins . Not market value on the silver , but face value . HmmmmFinally I was called in & met with one of their " evaluators " . I realize that it 's very difficult to have an expert in everything travel the country , but surely they could have people with maybe coin expertise , one with jewelry , books , etc . My guy looked at my collection as I explained the different types of mesh used & how it indicate the age of the piece . What styles I had ( Posted by Army wife and makeup artist turned SAHM . Retired from 5 years of running a PTA / PTO . I love to knit & am convinced that if powered by a grande iced caramel macchiato , I can accomplish anything ! View my complete profile

2 . LAW OF GRAVITY - Any tool , nut , bolt , screw , when dropped , will roll to the least accessible corner . 3 . LAW OF PROBABILITY - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act . 4 . LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS - If you dial a wrong number , you never get a busy signal and someone always answers . 5 . LAW OF THE ALIBI - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire , the very next morning you will have a flat tire . 6 . LAW OF VARIATION - If you change lines ( or traffic lanes ) , the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now ( works every time ) . 7 . LAW OF THE BATH - When the body is fully immersed in water , the telephone rings . 8 . LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone with whom you don 't want to be seen . 9 . LAW OF THE RESULT - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won 't work , it will . 10 . LAW OF COFFEE - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee , your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold . 11 . LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES - The chance of an open - faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor , is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug . 12 . LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY - As soon as you find a product that you really like , they will stop making it . 13 . LAW OF DOCTORS - If you don 't feel well , make an appointment to go to the doctor , by the time you get there you 'll feel better . But don 't make an appointment , and you 'll stay sick . I suffer from allergies and , of course , now , with all the glorious blooming , I am especially susceptible with the accompanying runny nose and watery eyes . Yesterday , I was scheduled to have a lengthy procedure at the dentist 's office but I didn 't want to take any medication because it makes me drowsy and I didn 't want to fall asleep in the dental chair . If people do not know my condition , they might think that I am actually crying . In the dental chair , as I was swiping away the tears which were streaming down my cheeks , the dental assistant placed a hand on my shoulder , and she asked , very solicitously , " Are you O . K . , Mrs . Raypole ? " I laughed and asked , " Do people usually cry at this procedure ? " I then explained about the allergies and she commiserated , saying she also was suffering but that she takes Claritin . When the dentist came in , he quipped , " I just thought you were allergic to me ! " Recently , I was in charge of organizing an event . I arrived early to meet with the coordinator . Because of my allergies , I did not want to take any medication as it makes me drowsy and not safe to drive . I am especially vulnerable to runny nose and excessive watering of the eyes . AS the event was in an outdoor park , I expected I would be a victim of the environment . When the coordinator and I had finished the set - up , we sat down and began to chat . After some " getting to know you " chit - chat , she asked if I had children and I said that I didn 't ; [ something I never do is to initiate a conversation with people by asking about children because I know from personal experience that some people do not want the subject mentioned after the loss of a child ] of course , since she had broached the subject , I felt comfortable asking if she had children and she replied that she did , but that she had lost a son and then she suddenly reached out and embraced me . She whispered how kind I was . Unfortunately , I had left my purse - - with the needed Kleenex - - in my car , but there I was , with tears flowing down my face . What to do - - what to say - - what a dilemma . Of course , the answer was not to do or say anything ; just continue with the embrace . Several days after the event , I received a thank you card with a note from her ; she wrote that I was the kindest , most compassionate person she 'd ever met . I believe that I am kind and I believe that I am compassionate , but I also know that I am not the " KINDEST " nor the " MOST COMPASSIONATE " . Feeling rather self - satisfied , I showed the note to my brother , and he said , " If she only knew that you are really about as compassionate as an old brown shoe ! " He is always so " colorful " with his zingers . I winced . In another conversation about the Armenian genocide , a friend and I were discussing the Young Turks and I mentioned that Cenk Uygur uses the term The Young Turks as the title of his newscast . Our friend said , " Young Turks is certainly NOT a compliment . " I answered that I agreed and that I had even e - mailed Uygur and suggested that he must not know the true meaning and the historical significance of the name . He did not answer me but I know he was born in Turkey and I hope that he did learn the historical reference . In further reading , I learned that the term to young people refers to young radicals who fight the status quo . I am disappointed that the United States had never recognized the genocide . Uygur started The Young Turks news show in 2002 and it has become the largest online news network ( TYT ) show with a global audience of 170 million views per month and 6 billion in total video views . His TYT Network is considered one of the most viewed online news network . Uygur began it as a talk show on Sirius Satellite Radio . That show then became the first daily video show on YouTube in 2005 . Prior to that Uygur was the host of the same - titled show on Current TV . I first saw him when he was the host on MSNBC Live . An amusing anecdote about The Young Turks and young people not being aware of the historical reference . In the 1980s one of my nephews , knowing that I was a Rod Stewart fan , asked if I liked Stewart 's new song Young Turks . I answered that I didn 't understand it as it had no relevance to the slaughter of the Armenians . My nephew said , " What 's that mean ? " I asked , " What do YOU think that Young Turks means ? " He said he didn 't know anything about it and shrugged and said , " Oh , I just like the beat ! " Hear Stewart sing the song from YouTube : David McCullough 's new book The American Spirit : Who We Are and What We Stand For , is a compilation of McCullough 's speeches given between 1989 - 2016 . He stated that he decided to collect the speeches after the contentious presidential contest of 2016 . McCullough has won two Pulitzer Prizes , two National Book Awards , awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom , and he had the rare honor to speak before a Joint Session Of Congress . I have heard McCullough speak numerous times on television and once I was able to hear him speak and meet him personally and have him autograph my collection of his books . Below is an article I wrote about meeting McCullough . MEETING DAVID MCCULLOGH ( from 2010 ) David McCullough , the historian who won the Pulitzer Prize for his biographies of Truman and John Adams , was scheduled to lecture at Wittenberg University . This was before he had finished the Adams biography . I loaded up my bag full of his books : Truman , The Great Bridge , The Path Between The Seas , Mornings On Horseback , and Johnstown Flood , hoping to have them autographed . The lecture was wonderful and Mr . McCullough is an engaging speaker . During the lecture he told us that he was working on a biography of John Adams . He said that perhaps that very evening that there might be someone in the audience who would grow up to be President of the United States and then he paused dramatically and said , " And I hope that SHE does a better job than most of the men have ! " I jumped up and began to applaud . I quickly noticed that I was the only one standing and applauding because my husband was tugging on my jacket . After the speech Mr . McCullough graciously said that he would be glad to autograph books . I rushed to be at the head of the line . The organizers of the event had obviously not considered that McCullough should have a table and chair to perform the task . I said to my husband , " Sweetheart , why don 't you see if you can find a table . " Mr . McCullough chuckled and said , " Yes , SWEETHEART , why don 't you find me a table if you can . " My husband scurried around and located a table and McCullough sat down and I began dragging out all of my books for him to sign . McCullough said , " I bet you were my standing ovation of one , weren 't you ? " As my husband and I were among the few older people present , Mr . McCullough asked if I were a professor at Wittenberg and I answered , " No , I 'm a student - - I got a late start . " He so kindly said , " Well , not VERY late ! " He asked if history were my major and my husband and I automatically " saluted " at the mention of " major " and Mr . McCullough noticed the saluting and asked what that meant and I told him of my " family thing " of saluting at all military words . My husband gives a proper Navy - veteran - Posted by Of course she was miffed that I had confronted and exposed her pettiness and obvious untruthfulness . She said , " Well , you don 't see them ! " I told her that she did not actually know the situations of people and that their cars might be the only asset they have and that perhaps friends and relatives with good cars might be kind enough to take them as they probably could not afford public transportation . I added that I had taken my nephew ( who has no vehicle ) to the Food Pantry to get groceries and I was driving my brand - new car ; I also said that his aunt and uncle also took him to the Food Pantry in their late - model vehicles . We do this because he cannot afford the cost of transportation . Would she be judging him for getting into a " nice " vehicle ? I think it 's an Urban Myth about people in fancy cars at the Food Pantry ; the last time I was there , I saw a large amount of people waiting for public transportation and a number of people getting into old cars . I saw no Cadillacs or Mercedes which have insignias I recognize . In fact , I gave rides to two guys who were acquaintances of my nephew and all three told me that they had to wait a long time for transportation . Yes , folks , I just had to join in THAT conversation . I said , " Oh , I know EXACTLY how you feel . " There I was , as I describe myself , " a Liberal in Conservative clothing " ; naturally , by my mein , they assumed that I was agreeing with them ! I said , " It 's bad enough that the current White House resident doesn 't pay any taxes , but then you have our local State Senator ; he and his family receive subsidies NOT to farm . " I could tell the two men were taken aback ; their mouths were literally agape . Yes , I took advantage of that shock and continued with my rant : " I hope you 're furious as I am ! GE , the oil subsidies , bank bailouts , OMG ! it 's WELFARE FOR THE WELL - OFF ! " YES ! Set the GPS for a day - trip to celebrate the OHIO ICE CREAM TRAIL ! Oh , WHERE to begin ? Beginning at VELVET ICE CREAM COMPANY in Utica with an empty tummy and just 3 hours and 6 minutes travel time later , completing the yummy journey at YOUNG ' S JERSEY DAIRY in Yellow Springs ! VELVET ICE CREAM COMPANY at Ye Olde Mill in UTICA , OHIO TOM ' S ICE CREAM BOWL in ZANESVILLE The idea for Earth Day is attributed to Gaylord Nelson , a former U . S . Senator from Wisconsin , after he witnessed the ravages of a massive oil spill at Santa Barbara , California . Inspired by the student anti - war movement active at the time , Nelson realized that if he could infuse that same kind of energy and commitment and with an emerging public consciousness about air and water pollution , it would force environmental protection onto the national political agenda . Nelson announced to the national media the idea for a " national teach - in " to make people aware about dangers to the environment . He then persuaded Pete McCloskey , a conservation - minded U . S . House Of Representatives member , to serve as co - chair and they recruited Denis Hayes to be the National Coordinator . Hayes built a staff of 85 to promote events across the nation . As a result , on April 22 , 1970 , 20 million Americans took to the streets , parks , and auditoriums to demonstrate for a healthy , sustainable environment in massive coast - to - coast rallies . Thousands of colleges and universities organized protests against the deterioration of the environment . Groups that had been fighting against oil spills , polluting factories and power plants , raw sewage , toxic dumps , pesticides , freeways , the loss of wilderness , and the extinction of wildlife suddenly realized they shared common values . Reuse , recycle , and celebrate Earth Day 2017 ! Gerald will be taking 6 TIRES to the Fayette County Fairgrounds as a part of the FAYETTE SWCD ( Fayette Soil & Water Conservation District ) " scrap tire amnesty " program . Posted by Whenever I hear the word " indomitable " , I always recall someone whom I believe epitomizes the near cliche phrase " indomitable spirit " . Years ago I volunteered with the Reading Recovery Program . My assignment was to help first and second graders with reading problems . I was to spend 1 / 2 hour with each child . It was easy to see that nearly all of the ones I met received little help or encouragement from home . We would send handmade reading packets home with the children and the parents were supposed to initial that they had listened while the child read . The packets were seldom returned . One of the children I assisted was a burn victim with scars on her entire face , and every other visible part of her body . Of course , I shouldn 't , or wouldn 't , ask her about the scars . Her teacher told me that the child 's mother had fallen asleep while smoking ; the mother escaped with no injuries but the child suffered those devastating wounds . The grandmother gained custody of the child . She was behind in her reading ability because she had missed so much school due to the consequences of of the burns and numerous operations . She was very eager to learn and she wouldn 't let me turn the pages in the books ; the tips of her fingers were missing , but she would lick her finger to be able to turn pages in books . I was truly impressed and inspired by her tenacity . However , I had not seen her since she was seven years old , but I often wondered what happened to her . Throughout the years , whenever I would feel sorry for myself , I would always recall her turning those pages with those little stubs and I would say to myself to remember her indomitable spirit . Recently , I saw her in the a local store where she was working . Of course , I suspected it was she when I saw the scars , but felt certain that it was indeed she , when I saw her fingertips as she was busily wrapping a piece of glassware in newspaper ; I saw her name tag and I asked , " Weren 't you in Mrs . Milstead 's class ? " I doubted that she would remember me , but she smiled and said , " Yes , Mrs . Raypole , I remember you helped with the reading program . " After chatting awhile , she shared that she was going to meet her fiance 's parents for the first time that weekend . She wanted me to be sure to tell Mrs . Milstead that she now had a baby boy . I immediately sent an e - mail to Mrs . Milstead . When I was fifteen years old , an execrable lie was told about my family . At that time I didn 't know what a " defining moment " was , but today , I know that outside of my mother 's womb , this was the most transformative event in my life . How I reacted to the malevolent lie caused me to be the person I am today . The heinous lie haunted me and my family for years and caused me much turmoil as a teenager because of the great impact it caused to my personal life . Because of the pernicious lie , I was subtly ostracized at school - - I was never asked for a date - - I was never invited to parties - - and by the time I understood the cause of the quiet , cruel , shunning , I realized that it had been going on for awhile and I had never been able to comprehend why I had been treated " differently " ; not only did the iniquitous lie hurt me and my brothers , but also , the malicious lie was later flung in the faces of some of my nieces and nephews as the lie continued down the generations . Whenever I heard of the children being hurt , I would tell my husband I was glad we never had children who would be able to be hurt . On that day that the lie was flung in my face , I reacted by physically and brutally , attacking the girl who said it to me . We were in the gym at Bloomingburg School and I pushed her to the floor and I jumped on top of her body and I had my feet holding her legs down and my elbows were on her shoulders holding her torso down with my body and I was pounding her face with my fists ; ironically , she was much taller and heavier than I was , but all she could do was pound on my back and pull my hair . I don 't know how long I beat her , but Mr . Rudolph pulled me from her prostrate body and pushed me down on the bleacher seats . Mr . Rudolph helped her up from the floor and she left the gym and went home . She did not return to school for a week . I had to remain at school the remainder of the day , because I rode the bus . There were just two more classes left in the day . I went to my next class , still wearing my gym clothes ( which was a definite no - no , but nobody said a word ) . Not one teacher and not one student spoke a word to me the remainder of the day . My friend Cammy was not at school that day . The word spread quickly and between classes one of my brothers came to me ; he didn 't hug or try to comfort me , but he could tell I was close to crying and he said , " Shirkeys don 't cry . " That figurative ramrod up our backs that Mother instilled in all of us stiffened my resolve . On the bus ride home , no one on the school bus said a word . The truly amazing thing is - - I was never taken to the office - - no discipline was ever enacted - - nobody ever uttered a word to my face about it in the next two years of school . I can imagine what would happen to a kid today . My mind was roiling and I thought that I could NEVER go back to school again . When I tearfully related the event to my mother , she was enraged and she called the mother of the girl and the mother threatened to call the sheriff because of my assaulting her daughter and my mother told her to do it , but nothing ever happened . However , the woman did tell my mother the genesis of the lie . I told my mother that I would never go back to school again . She told me . " Oh , yes you will , and you 'll look them straight in the eye and defy them to say anything . " It was the Shirkeys against the whole damned world . As I reflected , I knew that , at the moment when I was pounding my fists into the girl 's face , that I could kill another person , enjoy it , and have no remorse . I was already a devotee of Thoreau and Gandhi and believer in Dr . King 's message and had followed the Montgomery bus boycott with admiration . I knew that I had to change , because I didn 't want to be THAT violent person . I did change the course of my life . I often think that if I had followed the path of violence what could have happened to me . I also reflected on what had happened that day which caused the other girl to fling the insult in my face . She was showing a " diamond " ring that her boyfriend had given to her and I made fun of it . It was because of my own arrogance and willingness to easily hurt another 's feelings that caused her to react by repeating the lie but if I had not done that , I would probably have never heard the lie and would have wondered my whole life WHY I was treated the way I was in high school . I am glad that I DID hear the lie . Ignorance ISN ' T bliss . Other than with Cammy and my husband , I have never spoken about this to anyone outside my family . Yesterday I was told a lie about the daughter of one of my friends and it spun me back in time . Because I know the person who told the lie dislikes my friend , I could tell the joy it was giving the person to relate the tale and that doubled my rage . I am proud of myself that I reacted to the lie by saying that I didn 't believe it . I investigated the story and found that although the story had a basis , my friend 's daughter was not involved in any way except she lived on the same street where an incident had happened . I called the person who had told me the lie and she blithely said it was just " BUZZ " ; I was enraged and said , " No , it 's LIES ! " She asked if I 'd ever played the game " buzz " when I was a kid ; it 's where a group of people tell a story and how it ends up being totally different the last time it 's told . I answered by saying , " No , we called that SLANDER ! " I asked her to please not repeat the lie and also to call the person who had told her the lie to make sure he knew he was spreading LIES ! I reiterated by saying , " This is no GAME - - it 's LIES ! " Posted by In yesterday 's article I mentioned being required to recite When The Frost Is On The Punkin ' in school . I don 't think there is much memorization in schools today . Poems by James Whitcomb Riley were popular to recite in my mother 's generation and obviously , also in my generation . Into her eighties , my mother could still recite The Duel ( " The Gingham Dog And The Calico Cat " ) by Eugene Field and Little Orphant Annie by James Whitcomb Riley . When I quizzed her about the " t " on the end of Orphant , she told me that you better pronounce it that way with her teachers . When my mother was in school she was very bright and she was allowed to skip a grade and then she was in the same class as her older sister Verna . My grandmother approved of this because my aunt needed " help " . In one class they were required to learn a Riley poem titled Let Something Good Be Said . It took a great deal of coaching by my mother and grandmother , but my aunt practiced the poem and was eventually able to recite it completely . In the poem of four stanzas , each verse ends with something similar to : " Let something good be said " . At school , as my aunt proceeded with her recitation , at the end of the first verse she said , " Let sumpin ' good be said . " [ Hey , we 're from Fayette County ; pronouncing " ings " is just a nuisance ] The teacher quickly corrected her and said , " Verna , that 's SOMETHING - - say someTHING - - not sumpin ' . " My aunt continued with the next verse and ended with , " If sumpin ' good be said " . The teacher exclaimed , " No , No , Verna , it 's SOMETHING - - now say someTHING ! " The next two stanzas were the same with Verna saying " sumpin ' " with the teacher correcting her each time . My poor aunt - - - the teacher made her say the word - - " someTHING " - - 100 times in front of the class . When I went to school we were required to memorize poetry and speeches , and then to recite the selections before the class . Those excruciatingly unforgettable memories are still indelibly etched on my brain , but I can still perform a very " chewing the scenery " rendering of Lady Macbeth 's " Is this a dagger I see before me ? " speech . My friend Vivian Harris Thomas and I were discussing how we had disliked that Mrs . Vance made us recite the entire poem When The Frost Is On The Punkin ' but despite that , Vivian and I have been known to do impromptu recitations of that and other speeches . Several years ago , we were participating in a political meeting on April 18 . Prior to the meeting , I looked at Vivian and asked , " Are you ready ? " Rolling her eyes , she gave me a look of disgust , immediately sensing my plan . At the end of the meeting , the Chairperson asked , " Are there any further remarks ? " I stood and said , " Vivian Thomas and I would like to do a relative recitation . " She quipped , " She likes alliteration . " We recited the words of The Midnight Ride Of Paul Revere . Vivian 's performance was far superior to mine as she recalled more verses than I , of a poem we learned more than fifty years ago . Please read the words to Longfellow 's poem and listen to the professional 's declamation below . I believe the recitation by Vivian and me was more forceful . I wish I had a recording of our performance . My mother once said that if dandelions weren 't weeds , they would be prized for their beauty . My mother would also put our bouquets of dandelions in water and she would also wear the " dandelion bracelets " we would make . [ See instructions ] I wonder if kids still do that today . I called the bracelets her " Van Cleef and Arpels " because that was a popular giveaway item name on television shows when I was a kid . Mother would hold the dandelion under our chins to see the reflection . Every part of the dandelion is useful - - the root , the leaf and the blossom - - as well as the seeds . This week I 'm going to pick the largest blossoms that I can find and deep fry them . My mother always picked a " mess " of greens , but being a non - drinker , there was no dandelion wine , but she used the root for tea and " potions " . The sap from the stems was also good to use on bee stings or other insect bites . Is there anything more evocative of summer than a dandelion chain ? Dandelion chains , like summer itself , are beautiful , quick to wilt and childlike . Make a few for yourself or teach a child . Christians believe , according to Scripture , that Jesus came back to life , or was raised from the dead , three days after His death on the cross . As part of the Easter season , the death of Jesus Christ by crucifixion is commemorated on Good Friday , always the Friday just before Easter . Through His death , burial , and resurrection , Jesus paid the penalty for sin , thus purchasing for all who believe in Him , eternal life in Christ Jesus . There was some corn left over from last night 's meal and Les asked , " Remember corn fritters ? " I answered , " Yeah , but I never made them ; Mother always made them . " He asked , " What goes in them ? " I replied , " Corn , eggs , cracker crumbs , kinda like making salmon patties , I think . " He said , " Let 's look on the internet . " We couldn 't find a recipe which we felt matched our memories exactly ; we chose ingredients from several different recipes . The resulting corn fritters were tasty , but not LIKE - - or as good as - - we remember our mother 's . LEFTOVERS ? We never had leftovers ! We had another adventure the next day ! The day after Sunday dinner roast , we had HASH ( which I liked better than the Sunday roast ) . One time we had a bumper crop of carrots and Mother fixed cooked carrots as a side dish . Yep , we didn 't eat all of them ; the next day it was CARROT COOKIES . To this day , we 'll say , " You better eat that broccoli ( or cauliflower , or ANYTHING else ! ) or it 'll be cookies tomorrow ! " My pernickety brothers wanted to eat ONLY the legs from the fried chicken . Mother would tear apart the wings and swear that one of the parts was " baby chicken legs " ! Every time I see hot wings , I say , " I like the baby chicken legs ! " SLUMGULLION : none of us can agree on the exact ingredients in this one , but I believe Mother 's version was a concoction of rice , tomatoes , and corn , with chili seasoning . The dictionary definition is " a cheap , unsubstantial stew " . All of the online recipes for slumgullion call for macaroni , tomatoes , and ground beef . Les said , dismissively , " Hell , that sounds like goulash ! " One day Mother served hominy as a side dish . Gerald said that he didn 't like hominy and didn 't take any to eat . I like hominy but could not eat the entire contents of the bowl . The next day , at dinner time , there was a casserole topped with buttered bread crumbs which looked very appetizing . Gerald asked , " What 's that ? " and Mother answered , " Home fry casserole . " Gerald took a spoonful on his plate and when he tasted it , he said , " Now , Gladys , you know you can 't disguise that hominy ! " On Tuesday , a woman from my group asked , " What 's Shrove Tuesday ? " I said , " That 's Pancake Day ! " One of my fellow volunteers , ( who happens to be a Roman Catholic ) , said , " Well , that 's pretty disrespectful . " I asked , " Why , what do you think Shrove Tuesday is ? " She said , " That 's when they wash the feet before Easter . " I said , " Oh , it is not ! " She looked shocked that I would disagree with her . I said , " Over at the Episcopalian Church , they had a Pancake Supper for Shrove Tuesday . " Rather peevishly , she said , " Well , that 's the Episcopalians ! " I said , " Of course I know about Maundy Thursday and also about SPY WEDNESDAY . " She said , " You 're making that one up . " I said , " I certainly am not ; Spy Wednesday is called that because that 's the day that Judas was given the 30 pieces ; you should read your Scripture . " I don 't think she 'll be speaking to me anytime soon . My lunch group was discussing differing food choices and I said that I was lucky because my husband was not a " finical eater " ; one of the women immediately challenged me , saying , " That 's NOT a word . " I said , " Of course it is ; it 's like finicky . " She answered , " Then why didn 't you just say finicky ? " I laughed and admitted , " I just read it last night in an O . Henry story and wanted to use it in conversation . " Shortly , I heard a child screaming and I asked the woman next to me , who appeared to be in my age group , " Did you read O . Henry 's The Ransom Of Red Chief when you were in school ? " She said that she had not , but she had read The Gift Of The Magi . I gave her a brief synopsis of the story : two crooks came up with a plan to kidnap the child of the town 's wealthiest man . They ended up having to pay the father to take back the kid because he was so bad and the kid was known as Red Chief . 1 . You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave . 2 . You haven 't played solitaire with real cards in years . 3 . You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three . 5 . Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don 't have e - mail addresses . 6 . You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries . 7 . Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen . 8 . Leaving the house without your cell phone , which you didn 't even have the first 20 or 30 ( or 60 ) years of your life , is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it . In Hebrew , Pesach means " to pass over " . Passover will be celebrated this year from April 10 to April 18 . Passover is the Festival of Freedom which commemorates the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and their transition from slavery to freedom . The main ritual of Passover is the seder , a festive meal that involves the retelling of the exodus through stories and songs and the consumption of ritual foods : matzah , unleavened bread ( represents the fact that the Israelites had to leave quickly and couldn 't wait for the bread to rise ) , maror , bitter herbs ( represents the bitterness of slavery ) , harroset , mixture of apples , nuts , raisins , and spices ( represents the mortar the Hebrew slaves used in building for the Egyptians ) , karpas , celery , parsley , or other green vegetables ( represents spring ) , and a roasted egg ( represents mourning ) . The Haggadah outlines the stories and rituals of Pesach . When my " Wild Lunch Bunch " eat at The Commission On Aging , I take a Coke with me to drink as only milk and lemonade are served . One of the group began to lecture me - - which she has done several other times - - about the dangers of Coca Cola . Feeling ornery , I said , " I 'll drink water if you do . " because I know she dislikes drinking water as much as I do . 2 . In 37 % of Americans , the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger . 3 . Even mild dehydration will slow down one 's metabolism by 3 % . 4 . One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for nearly 100 % of the dieters studied according to a study conducted by the University of Washington . 5 . Lack of water is the # 1 trigger of daytime fatigue . 6 . Preliminary research indicates that 8 - 10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80 % of sufferers . 7 . A mere 2 % drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short - term memory , trouble with basic math , and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page . 8 . Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45 % , plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79 % , and one is 50 % less likely to develop bladder cancer . COKE 1 . In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident . 2 . You can put a T - bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be dissolved in two days . 3 . To clean a toilet : Pour a can of Coca - Cola into the toilet bowl and let the " real thing " set for one hour , then flush clean . The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china . 4 . To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers : rub the bumper with a rumpled - up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca - Cola . 5 . To clean corrosion from car battery terminals : pour a can of Coca - Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion . 6 . To loosen a rusted bolt : apply a cloth soaked in Coca - Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes . 7 . To bake a moist ham : empty a can of Coca - Cola into the baking pan , wrap the ham in aluminum foil , and bake . Thirty minutes before ham is finished , remove the foil , allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy . 8 . To remove grease from clothes : empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes , add detergent , and run through a regular cycle . The Coca - Cola will help loosen grease stains . It will also clean road haze from your windshield . FOR YOUR INFORMATION : 1 . The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid . It will dissolve a nail in about four days . 2 . To carry Coca - Cola syrup ( the concentrate ) : the commercial trucks must use a hazardous material placards usually reserved for highly corrosive materials . 3 . The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years . Posted by I was in Kroger and had a jicama among my purchases . The clerk , a young man , said , " You 're gonna have to tell me what this is . " as it had no identifying sticker . I said , " It 's a jicama . " He began looking at a chart . I noticed he was looking in the " H " column . I said , " Oh , it 's spelled J - I - C - A - M - A " . He said he 'd never heard of it and asked how it was used . I told him I was going to use it on a vegetable tray I planned to make . When he found it on the chart , he mentioned that they were expensive . I said , " Gosh , I could have told you it was a turnip ; they are a lot cheaper . " He said , " Aww , you wouldn 't do that , would you ? " Each year , Mother would peruse the Burpee seed catalog and she would choose an unusual vegetable to try . Over the years we had an assortment of squashes ( turban , patty pan , acorn , zucchini , and spaghetti squash ) , rutabaga , salsify , kohlrabi , and leeks . She had no luck growing cauliflower and broccoli . One year she chose jicama but they were not a favorite and she never ordered them again . Of course , at that time we didn 't know the proper pronunciation and said " Juh - cam - uh " as any Fayette County HICK would . Posted by A friend received an invitation to a baby shower although she has never met either the expectant mother or father . The father - to - be is the nephew of a friend of hers . If that presumptuousness to invite an unknown person weren 't bad enough , the mother - to - be is registered at Target for gifts but included seven pages of her gift registry and the seventh page was a list of items for her instead of the baby ! Some of those items were a camisole and robe . I received an invitation to a baby shower and I did not recognize the name of the person who was hosting nor the name of the honoree . However , the location for the event was listed at the Community Room at The Village , a local housing complex . As I know several people who live at The Village , I called each one of them but not one of them had any knowledge of the person hosting the shower nor the honoree . I declined the invitation . A young woman I know intended to be married in June of this year . However , she became pregnant in April of last year and they wanted to be married before the birth of the baby . She had no health care coverage and when she learned that the child 's father 's insurance would not cover the delivery of the baby because it would be considered a pre - existing condition , they decided to postpone the wedding until after the birth of the baby . Instead of saving money to pay for the baby 's delivery , they decided for her to collect government assistance and to be married after the birth of the baby . They decided to save money for the wedding . Relatives of hers were stunned that I said that I would not be going to a wedding shower , or to the wedding , because I thought that it was disgraceful to be saving money for a wedding rather than having taxpayers foot the bill for the birth of their baby . BREAKING NEWS : On " National Crayon Day " , Crayola announced it is " retiring " one of the colors from the Crayola 24 - Count box : DANDELION . The 120 - Count box showing the retirement includes a contest to name the new replacement color . The color " Dandelion " was not added until 1990 , which seems rather young for its retirement . Binney & Smith began boxing crayons in 1885 and over the years Crayola has retired 50 other crayons , most notably " flesh " . Boxes of Crayola crayons have always been in increments of 8 : 8 , 16 , 24 , 48 , etc . Watch the cute , animated video commemorating the " farewell tour " of " Dan D " as he enjoys the adventures of his " golden years " : I have written several times about my childhood love of Crayola crayons and have a large collection of Crayola products , including numerous boxes of crayons , Christmas ornaments , and other memorabilia . I am not upset about losing " dandelion " , but would vehemently protest if " magenta " were removed ! My brother , looking over my shoulder , said , " Awww , Dandelion has gone to seed ! " Watching David Cay Johnson explain how he had received the 2005 income tax returns from Mr . and Mrs . Trump , he said that he 'd received them " over the transom " . A young friend who was visiting asked , " What does that mean ? " I explained that it meant unsolicited , sent in secret , or sent without the receiver 's knowledge . He asked , " But what is a transom ? " I took him to our living room and pointed out a decorative one above our living room door . I showed him ones in our dining room which were painted over because they are unused . I explained that , " in the old days " , they were used for air ventilation between rooms . I said , " When I was growing up we had transoms and they were left open in the winter to allow the heat to circulate and in the summer , let the air from the fans to circulate . " He asked , " Couldn 't you just use the air conditioner or just turn up the furnace ? " I laughed and said , " We were lucky to have a stove and fans ! " In the meat department I saw packages of chicken feet . I found it very amusing that they were labeled " chicken paws " ; I wondered if wise marketing mavens believed that would make them more appetizing to general consumers . One of my sisters - in - law is Korean and she uses chicken feet , as well as tripe and other parts usually considered offal . My grandmother cooked every part of the chicken and I can still recall seeing chicken feet sticking at the top of a pot of her broth . She said , " We eat everything except the CLUCK ! " My mother never used them . Yes , I have eaten chicken PAWS although I have never purchased them . Although composed of tendons , bone , and cartilage , chicken feet are rich in protein , calcium , and collage , as well as minerals such as magnesium and zinc . The " paws " are $ 1 . 98 per pound ; mixed fryer parts are 98 cents per pound . I use mixed fryer parts to make broth ; because dark and white meat and skin are contained in the package , the parts make a rich broth . I said to my brother , " Perhaps chicken paws appeal to a niche market . " He answered , " You actually used chicken paws and niche in the same sentence ; now THAT is funny ! " Today I am remembering my mother . I have written numerous times about my mother and quote her extensively . Obviously , she was the major influence in my life . Yesterday , I mentioned to my brother , " I need to go to the cemetery tomorrow . " He said , " Take the hyacinths ; the Bionic Nose would appreciate them . " Before The Bionic Woman was on television , we called my mother " The Human Bloodhound " because she could detect smells which nobody else could , and the scents were usually of an unpleasant nature . After seeing Lindsay Wagner , Mother was then known as " The Bionic Nose " . Mother also had the world 's best memory . Oftentimes , she would say that aromas or odors were reminiscent of ones from her childhood . After I read Remembrance Of Things Past , I told her that she was as good as Proust at remembering every detail ! I would mutter , " Where 's the madeleines , Mama ? " , whenever she would start going into excruciating detail ! I grew up in Fayette County with seven brothers . I have no doubt that we all came from the same sperm / egg donors , but we are entirely different . So much for heredity / nurture debates ! I am a passionate advocate for things in which I believe .

I set a new goal today . In the next few weeks I plan to make every salad recipe from the Neiman Marcus Cookbook . I 'll have it for dinner the night of and then for lunch the next day . Not a bad diet plan , eh ? Tonight I made the Santa Fe Style Ranch House Salad . It was good , not great . I added poached chicken breast and omitted the chips . Overall , this is an amazing cookbook . The turkey meatloaf is to die for . My new cushions and pillows came for the den today . Love them . Will have to post pictures asap . BabyBoy is healing up well . Still a nasty chin but I think he will have a minimal scar . Counting my blessings . . . Dr . Daddy is downstairs packing for his ski trip to Banff / Lake Louise next week . Sooo , I 'm spending the time internet shopping ! I think this is a pretty fair trade . My new favorite website is . . . . drumroll please . . . . The Well Appointed House . Good lord . They have EVERYTHING ! Some of my favorites . . . WOULD LOVE TO DO THESE IN A GUEST ROOMFOR THE YOUNG " MASTER " OF THE HOUSEFOR THE BACKYARDTWO OF THESE IN FRONT OF THE FIREPLACE IN THE LIVING ROOMFOR THE DINING ROOMFOR MY UPSTAIRS HALLWAYTWO OF THESE FOR MY MANTLESeriously . . . I could go on all night . Alas , 6 : 30am comes early . Night , ya 'll ! It 's EBay season around here and I wanted to let you all know that I have some great stuff listed . Mostly little girl 's size 3 . A few ladies ' skirts as well . I know I have a few friends who wanted first dibs . . . check out the " Buy It Now " option and let me know if you 're interested ! I 'll be listing lots more in the next couple days . I also have a window treatment listed as well . Click here to go directly to one of my auctions and then click on " View seller 's other items " to see the rest . Happy Shopping ! Never did I think those two words would illicit such a tearful response from me . Yesterday we went to church and then met some friends for lunch at their club . BabyBoy had gone down to the lower area of the club to look at the koi fish pond . Seconds later we heard him crying . Not bloody murder screaming , just a pretty average cry from the most melodramatic child on earth . Dr . Daddy met him as he ran to the top of the stairs . All I could glean through the sobbing was that he had run into a " pole " and his chin was bleeding . Dr . Daddy took him to the bathroom to check it out and a few minutes later they were back . Apparently , BabyBoy had been showing off to some Middle School girls and was trying to show them how fast he could run . The square pillar in the hallway didn 't get out of the way quick enough and he ran straight into it . BabyBoy was still crying so I took him outside . My girlfriend , who is also a doctor , accompanied me . When we had BabyBoy take the napkin off of his chin we both gasped , which freaked him out a little . There was a through and through gash on his chin that was about an inch from top to bottom with a puncture hole at the top . This in and of itself wasn 't too concerning . . . it was the copious amount of blood inside his mouth that had me worried . Without even thinking about it I asked if BabyGirl could hang out with them for the afternoon so we could head to the ER . We both agreed he probably needed stitches . My friend , God bless her , has four year old twins and an eight year old . Thank goodness we 're practically family and they were more than willing to take BabyGirl on . We got to the ER and after about an hour got to see the doc . Upon further investigation of the injury we discovered he had a gash on his gingival junction ? and it had to be repaired lest food get caught in it and rot forever . Gross . We were all in agreement that BabyBoy would have to be sedated to get the job done . He is so freakin melodramatic that there was no way it was going to get done any other way . Of course , this meant that It 's so cold and kind of dreary outside . I thought today I 'd do a post about a past event that I helped out with . Each year I participate in an event called the " Book & Author Dinner " . It 's a really neat event where we have three or four authors come to a dinner and speak about their books . We have it at a large hotel in town and after the dinner the authors stick around and sign their books , which we sell copies of . I 've done the flowers for the past several years . Last year was a particularly fun year with the flowers . I kind of left my comfort zone and did something a little more modern but ended up loving it . It was so simple and yet really elegant at the same time . The first part of the evening takes place as a cocktail / welcoming party . I did one large arrangement and several small arrangements for that . This larger arrangement was basically floral foam in an urn with tulips , forced quince branches , curly willow and bunches of spanish moss added to the branches . We also threaded some orchids in various spots to make it seem as though it was a live branch that was blooming . The effect was stunning . It was a huge arrangement , too , so only one was necessary . These arrangements were put on the cocktail tables throughout hte room . Very simple to make . These were rectangular vases filled partially with black river rock and very little water . I then took bamboo branches ( it 's not bamboo . . . it 's called something else but I can 't think of the name . maybe grass reeds ? ) and tied several together with raffia . I then took three cymbidium orchids and threaded the stems into the raffia ties . The great thing about cymbidium is that it can live without water for about 36 hours without wilting . This guy was tons of fun to make . I took a large glass cylindrical vase and placed two rubber bands around it . I then cut the bamboo reeds to the correct length and threaded them under the rubber bands . I tied raffia around the rubber bands to hide them . I then filled the vase with black river rock and placed the manzanita branches in theat I realized at about 9pm last night that I had signed up to take a " pastry " for a meeting this morning . Given that Dr . Daddy was at the hospital and the kiddos were in bed , it basically boiled down to whatever was in the cupboard . I ended up making these Pecan Squares from the Southern Living " Our Best Recipes " cookbook . They are delicious . I think they taste like a Praline Bar and they go great with coffee . A pastry ? Maybe not , but I think they 'll be a hit ! Ingredients2 cups all - purpose flour 2 / 3 cup powdered sugar 3 / 4 cup butter , softened 1 / 2 cup firmly packed brown sugar 1 / 2 cup honey 2 / 3 cup butter 3 tablespoons whipping cream 3 1 / 2 cups coarsely chopped pecans PreparationSift together 2 cups flour and 2 / 3 cup powdered sugar . Cut in 3 / 4 cup softened butter using a pastry blender or fork just until mixture resembles coarse meal . Pat mixture on bottom and 1 1 / 2 inches up sides of a lightly greased 13 - x 9 - inch baking dish . Bake at 350 ° for 20 minutes or until edges are lightly browned . Cool . Bring brown sugar , honey , 2 / 3 cup butter , and whipping cream to a boil in a saucepan over medium - high heat . Stir in pecans , and pour hot filling into prepared crust . Bake at 350 ° for 25 to 30 minutes or until golden and bubbly . Cool completely before cutting into 2 - inch squares . She uses salted butter and brings the filling to a rolling boil before pouring it over the crust . Judy Russell , Birmingham , Alabama YieldMakes about 28 squaresJudy Russell , Birmingham , Alabama , Southern Living , NOVEMBER 2004 I had a great time this past weekend in Richmond . Went shopping for trim for my bedroom curtains and found something I 'm really happy with . My brother was very kind and patient and tagged along with me for hours . I think we went to three or four different fabric stores . We also ate at PF Changs for lunch and had the chicken lettuce wraps , which are one of my favorite things ! We convinced my dad to go out to eat with us for dinner at Escobar and it was fantastic as usual . A gin and tonic and half bottle of wine later I was ready to party with my brother 's friends ! His buddy Ray picked us up and drove us to a party at a friend 's house . Apparently this was a party that a guy was throwing for his 60 year old mom 's birthday . We walked in and the room was completely filled with middle aged gay men . I felt like the belle of the ball ! It 's always fun when you 're the token straight gal . Everyone I talked to was super nice and we had a great time . I 'm pretty sure I had my last glass of wine at the party . It was necessary , given the MALE STRIPPER I was forced to watch . He wasn 't even cute as far as I was concerned . Not even with the wine goggles on . He was way too muscular and kind of looked like a bobble head . After the party we went to a new club called Infuzion . I was told this was a gay bar but I certainly couldn 't tell . It was very nice and chic but the DJ wouldn 't play any Britney Spears so that was a no go for me . Needless to say , and as you can tell from my post title , we did have some Fag Drama ( NOT my term but I do think it 's hilarious ) . Overall , though , a lot of fun . I managed to get away from the experience with only a minor headache the next AFTERNOON when I woke up at 12 noon . God bless Dr . Daddy for keeping the kids at home for me ! I definitely needed the break . This morning a friend of mine watched the kids so I could get a microdermabrasion . I do a chemical peel every six weeks but hadn 't done this before . My face feels as smooth as a baby 's butt and it didn 't hurt at all . Just felt like someone was sandingat You know I love a fabric challenge , so I absolutely had to brainstorm fabric ideas after reading Impoverished Preppy 's post about her daughter 's new bedroom . First of all , congratulations on all the hard work you 've done IP ! I love a girl who 's willing to paint . Here were the fabrics already being used in the room . I LOVE the combination of the gingham and the toile . I also love that the walls are lavender as well . I think sticking with those two colors would be gorgeous . Maybe adding a few splashes of green to freshen things up would be nice as well . Here are two fabrics I found from The Fabric Finder that I think would work great . The plaid would be nice as a valance , and the polka dot would be gorgeous as a bed skirt . You could also use the polkadot as a valance and have the scalloped edge as the trim . So cute ! I also love this apple green velvet fabric from Ballard Designs . This would be great for pillows or to cover a chair or bench . at BabyGirl has decided that she wants to have a birthday party based on the Fancy Nancy book series . I 'm having a bit of trouble deciding which invitation to use . I don 't want anything too princessy but I feel like there should be a tiara SOMEWHERE on the invite since that 's such a big part of the book . SOOOO , help me out here and vote on which invitation you like best . A . B . C . D . at Couple answers to questions : 1 . the fabric for my curtains was purchased at a discount fabric shop in my town called The Second Yard . Unfortunately they don 't have a website . I believe they also have shops in Charlottesville , VA and Virginia Beach , VA . 2 . No , the towheads are not twins . Funny though , I always wanted twins . They are 20 months apart . As BabyGirl gets older she is quickly catching up to BabyBoy in height . 3 . I learned how to sew a little from my Mom but mostly through trial and error . Be patient , you can do it ! I 'm usually not the sentimental type . Lately , however , I seem to be weepy about everything having to do with kids . This is not an indication that I want more . I really don 't . Dr . Daddy 's done the old snippy snip and we are DONE . Which is not to say that I didn 't LOVE being pregnant . Every second of it . Right up until the very end . Then I was done . Like . . . GET IT OUT NOW done . My stepmom sent me this email and for whatever reason it really touched me . I think it 's because lately BabyBoy has really been getting on my nerves . He talks constantly . He must call my name a thousand times a day . For the most part , he is such a good boy but sometimes he just makes me want to pull my hair out ! This story could have come right out of my own kitchen . . . F A M I L Y I ran into a stranger as he passed by , " Oh excuse me please " was my reply . He said , " Please excuse me too ; I wasn 't watching for you . " We were very polite , this stranger and I . We went on our way and we said goodbye . But at home a different story is told , How we treat our loved ones , young and old . Later that day , cooking the evening meal , My son stood beside me very still . When I turned , I nearly knocked him down . " Move out of the way , " I said with a frown . He walked away , his little heart broken . I didn 't realize how harshly I 'd spoken . While I lay awake in bed , God 's still small voice came to me and said , " While dealing with a stranger , common courtesy you use , but the family you love , you seem to abuse . Go and look on the kitchen floor , You 'll find some flowers there by the door . Those are the flowers he brought for you . He picked them himself : pink , yellow and blue . He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise , you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes . " By this time , I felt very small , And now my tears began to fall . I quietly went and knelt by his bed ; " Wake up , little one , wake up , " I said . " Are these the flowers you picked for me ? " He sm iled , " I found ' em , out by the tree . I picked ' em because they 're pretty like you . I knew you 'd like ' em , esat I 've started to feel somewhat lazy here lately . I 'm still in my PJ 's . It 's almost 9pm and I 'm still in my PJ 's from this morning . We just didn 't have any outside stuff to do today , Dr . Daddy is at the hospital for 24 hrs . and we hung out around the house . My PJ 's are so comfy , it 's hard to justify getting dressed . Last night we had dinner and with friends and went to see the movie Juno . It is hilarious . Definitely in the top five movies I 've seen in the past year . We laughed our asses off . I loved that it was about teenage pregnancy and yet there was no raucous drinking or constant pot smoking . Just two kids who made an oops . It happens . If you haven 't seen it , you should . I spent today ( and most of yesterday ) sewing . I 'm making the panels for my dining room . These are extremely labor intensive because you have to do the lining and interlining , hem those , then attach them to the fabric , hand hem that and then hand sew the pleats and the trim . I did french pleats , which I 've never done before but really like . I LOVE the end result . One down . . . three to go . BabyGirl had her best girlfriend over for a playdate . This friend happens to be a twin but the twin was in time out for the afternoon so she was solo today . It was really cute to see their interaction sans twin . They had a great time and it allowed me more sewing time ! Here are some pics so far . It 's just one panel but I 'm so damned proud I had to take pics . On top of my laziness I have this massive cyst like thing on my right eyelid that is killing me . We 're talking the equivalent of labor pain . Of course , I had rockin ' epidurals so it really is all relative but this thing hurts . I don 't know if it 's an ingrown eyebrow hair or a pimple or what but at this rate I WILL be wearing a pirate patch tomorrow and sucking on a fentanyl lollipop . For real . Thanks to all of you who offered advice on my blogging issue . I think I 've figured it out . Now , onto our unseasonably warm ( again ) weather ! I took advantage of the beautiful weather today and took a nice jog . Then I made my way out to the yard and planted about thirty bulbs that have been piling up in my kitchen . I tend to order bulbs and take forever to plant them . I LOVE to garden . My favorite plants are roses and hydrangeas . Our old yard was really not condusive to much planting . The soil was awful and the sunlight was sketchy . Our new yard , however , is a dream come true . The woman who used to live here was an avid gardener so there are multiple raised beds with fantastic soil . Unfortunately , the yard has been quite neglected for a few years and has become overgrown . So , come Spring I will have my job cut out for me ! While I was planting my bulbs today I discovered tons of bulbs getting ready to sprout . I had to be careful where I was digging so as not to dig up any mature plants . I guess once everything starts blooming in the Spring I will make a drawing of the yard and fill in each spot as something blooms . I 've also started to make a connection with the woman who lived here so I can have her over and have her walk me through the yard . I 've made several changes already so I 'm hoping she won 't be upset . For gardeners , our plants become like our children . We love them so much and hold on to them as long as we can ! Unfortunately , we all have different tastes . I 've started a hydrangea garden in one of the raised beds . I planted four large plants in the fall and can 't wait for them to bloom in June / July . We just put a bed in beside the garage and I think I will put one of these gorgeous climbing hydrageas in . In the bed above that and in a similar bed along our fence I plan to plant a rose garden . These are the roses I have chosen thus far : The Princess DianaThe Pope John Paul IIThe Laura BushThe Ronald ReaganThe Mardi GrasI also LOVE this beautiful bubblegum pink EchinaceaAll available at Jackson and Perkins . Of coat

My husband and I were recently talking about how easy or difficult it will be for us if and when we choose to go back home to Delhi . Of course , there are the good things , being near family and friends , feeling more at home in the city , but there are definitely going to be issues . We can hardly imagine water or electricity being an issue for concern any more . Americans are completely taken by shock if there is a blackout . Tap water adheres to very high sanitation standards and is completely safe for drinking , but these folks still buy bottled water . We drink from the tap , but in Delhi , is there any telling what the bottled water may be contaminated with ? I am now used to cars stopping for me when I want to cross the road . I get a bit of a surprise when we visit the Boston city area or New York City , because those are more disorganized in terms of traffic and pedestrians wait for the traffic to stop . But they are still way more organized than Delhi . Yesterday , my husband had to wait for seven minutes to cross a red light and he was agitated at being stuck in a traffic jam . Both of us have been stuck in Delhi traffic jams for about an hour at time . It 's so clean and cool over here that I find it easy to go without taking a second shower at night or dusting the house for a week . I found those things rather difficult to do in Delhi . And of course , I will miss the huge Barnes & Noble bookstores ( An average store is about the size of an average Shopper 's Stop in Delhi . They let you sit right there and read peacefully for as long as you want . ) , which are something of heaven on earth for a person like me , the huge variety of restaurants with international cuisines - Mexican , Italian , Chinese , Thai , Indian - whatever you can ask for . But , of course , nothing beats buying books off the pavement in Connaught Place , eating roadside chaat and shopping for trinkets at Janpath , does it ? I really liked Atif 's Tu Jaane Na from Ajab Prem Ki Gazab Kahani . It has a nice , romantic , blissful feel to it . I 've been playing it over and over again over the last few days and it makes me feel really nice . By the way , it 's after quite a long while that I landed on an album where a lot of the tracks are quite nice , and all of them are reasonably nice . I think the last time this happened was with Love Aaj Kal . ( Well , maybe Wake Up Sid or Aladin came a little close . ) Most movie soundtracks that I have come across in recent times have involved looking for a needle in a haystack and finding one good track . Sifting through the likes of Dhan Te Nan and Raat Ke Dhai Baje to find a Pehli Baar Mohabbat , tolerating the Chiggy Wiggys of the world to land upon a Bhoola Tujhe , looking for the Khudaya Ve among the Luck Aazma and Jee Le types . But this one is different . It has fourteen tracks , no less . Of course , those are not fourteen distinct tracks . The number includes four versions of Tu Jaane Na . All four are really good , but nothing beats the first one , the non - remixed one by Atif . The rest of the album has a balanced mix of peppy , foot tapping numbers like Prem Ki Naiyya and soft , romantic melodies like Tera Hone Laga Hoon . Definitely worth a good listen . How many gadgets does one need ? Particularly , in the kitchen . This weekend , I saw a salad mixing contraption while shopping at Walmart ( I think that even my Indian friends will have heard of it , but , if not , that 's to America what Big Bazaar is to India ) . It 's a bowl that you put your lettuce and things into , and it mixes it all up with a spin or two . I mean , really ? Do you really need a gadget for mixing salad ? Is it really that hard to do that by hand ? It doesn 't seem to be , when I do it , or when I see the folks at all those sandwich and salad shops do it . There was this lady I met at the hairdresser 's a while back , in Delhi , who had been experiencing some trouble with her back and shoulders . Her physiotherapist had her knead dough by hand , which she had been doing with a gadget all this while . To me , that signals that we may be becoming too lazy for our own good . Of course , there are lots of appliances that we do need . You need a blender and an oven and a can opener . Well , you may want to debate those too , but I could probably handle that debate . But there is such a thing as going overboard with these things , isn 't there ? You should certainly not buy so many of them as to clutter your house and kitchen . Or so that you don 't leave much for yourself to do by hand . That 's for your own good . It 's interesting how , sometimes , just listening to a song or watching a movie again can take you into a world of memories . I was exploring YouTube and trying to seek out songs that I haven 't heard in a while . I happened to land upon Zehreeley and it reminded me of Bhatti 's hilarious rendition of the song on our Manali trip and then again at his farewell from our team . Then I landed upon Morni Baaga Ma from Lamhe . This is the first Hindi movie I remember watching end to end multiple times and enjoying . There weren 't too many children 's films in Hindi that held me interest at that time . Come to think of it , there aren 't many of them now either , are there ? So anyway , this song takes me back to the time I was ten years old and , when I didn 't have much homework , enjoyed long , carefree afternoons by myself , because my mom and my brother would always nap in the afternoons and my dad would be at work . Well , I do still enjoy my afternoons by myself , but life isn 't quite so carefree any more , is it ? When I hear a song from a movie I watched with some friends , it always reminds me of the good times I had with those friends . Of how some of them got annoyed when I sang along with the songs . How some annoyed me by laughing too much or just making too much hullabaloo for no apparent reason . Good times , good memories . This was the last of the dozen or so books that I picked up in India right before my wedding . This is a book by Sophie Kinsella , and it 's known as Confessions Of A Shopaholic here in the States , and has been made into a Hollywood movie by the same name . The protagonist of the story , Rebecca , starts out as a character who loves shopping and has accumulated a lot of credit card debt . She lives in a state of denial after her attempts to cut back expenses and to make more money all fail . Basically , she is a character one would find easy to relate to . But as the story proceeds , the storyline doesn 't seem to have enough meat in it to hold a reader 's rapt attention . When I started out with this one , I thought I 'd find it hard to put down and finish it in three or four days . But it took me about twice as long . The sequence of events is unimpressive and sometimes just plain weird . The other characters in the story are not quite as easy to relate to . Luke Brandon , in particular , was , again , just plain weird . I read this book as part of my attempts to understand what makes a New York Times bestseller . Honestly , it 's left me a little confused . Has it actually been that long ? It seems like it was just yesterday that I packed my bags and said goodbye to the life I had and started a new one . I 'm happy to say that life has treated us well in these six months . We 've grown to understand each other much better , to appreciate the good in each other , and to be more patient with the bad . We 've learnt to anticipate each other 's mood swings , and now we know what triggers them and what the antidote is . We love doing little things for each other from time to time . We know that time spent with each other is the best time of the day for both of us . We know each other 's needs and wants much better now , and we take good care of those little things . This was not the kind of person I had in mind for myself , actually . Nor did I want to move away from Delhi . But sometimes , we find happiness in the most unexpected places , don 't we ? Our first Diwali after our wedding was celebrated in a foreign land , which is home to us , at least for the time being . We celebrated in our own way , going out to an Indian place where we ate a lot of chaat and golgappas , which we do get easily around here , but it 's all packaged in boxes and you have to mix it all up yourself . But there are a few places around here where you get it served on a plate . We went to one such place . It was just lovely to gorge on all that stuff after , maybe , three or four months . We also went to a temple nearby . We 've been to the same place once before on a weekend , and , relatively , there was a throng of people . But , of course , compared to what we would have found in India , it was still wide , open spaces inside and outside the temple , and just enough parking . People were dressed in saris and kurtas . It felt different . It didn 't exactly feel like back home , because this is a South Indian style temple and a lot of the people were South Indians as well , but it did have a greater sense of belonging than whatever else I 've seen in the States so far . We did a small puja at home and lit a few diyas . Now we don 't have a balcony , so we did all of it inside our house . I put the diyas in a plate and my husband decided to keep a sheet of paper under them to protect the plate . Unfortunately , the paper caught fire , but fortunately we blew it out when it was only a tiny flame . Even so , it set off the overly sensitive fire alarm and we had to open the windows on a cold night ( We had a little snow on the preceding snow and more than a little snow on the following evening . ) to let the smoke out . Ironical , isn 't it ? In Delhi , we keep our windows closed because of the smoke on Diwali night . We also got some Indian sweets for the first time since we 've been here . We had no room left for dinner after all the chaat , so the sweets and the bananas from the temple were all we ate in the evening . A beautiful evening for both of us . This is something I never heard in India , which is surprising since it 's an A . R . Rahman composition from a movie supposedly released in 2008 . But Meherbaan from Ada has got to be one of his finest works in recent times . ( Strangely enough , this movie is not even listed on IMDb . ) This is a beautifully written song , into which Rahman 's voice breathes life . That 's right . It 's sung by Rahman , composed by Rahman , and I love it . Do I need to say more ? A fellow blogger recently pointed out to me ( in the comments section of one of her blog posts ) that in India , we don 't get to see four distinct seasons , whereas in places like the United Kingdom and the northern parts of the United States , we do . It 's true . In Delhi there was never any significant spring or autumn . Well , of course , if there 's no autumn , then spring really doesn 't belong in the cycle of things . But that 's a separate story . So here I was , just getting the feel of the fall season ( that 's what it 's called in America ) and just beginning to feel the nip in the air , when , out of nowhere , I get up in the morning , and my husband tells me that it 's snowing outside . I thought that was just one of the random things he says sometimes for no apparent reason other than to amuse himself and me . But it wasn 't . It was actually snowing . Not like a snowstorm or a blizzard , but just a few light snowflakes . Enough to give the grass a whitish touch . It was beautiful . Like one of those Hollywood movies with a story that takes place at Christmas time . It lasted only a very short while , and I did not go out there in my pyjamas , but just looking out of the window was great . So , what do you know ? It 's winter already . And a colder winter than any that I 've seen in Delhi ! For starters , I am a little bored with Bollywood romances and I like movies about friendship and / or trying to find one 's own place in society , one 's own identity . That 's one where where this movie appealed to me . I liked the way the friendship between the two lead characters was handled in the movie . I liked the fact that all of the characters were the kind that you can relate to , see a piece of yourself in them , and see a piece of them in yourself , even though most were rather stereotypical , the ones often found in Hindi movies . Or , more specifically , Karan Johar productions . I mean , Konkona 's character would have been a little easier to relate to if she didn 't land the first job that she interviewed for , the one she desperately wanted , but ended up with a vaguely similar job after a bit of struggle , and eventually grew to like that job and to do it well . But even so , she was a character I really liked and wanted to get to know . The same goes for Ranbir 's friends from college , Laxmi , Rishi , and even Debbie , who wasn 't exactly a friend . And his parents , and Rahul Khanna , who played the magazine editor . I really loved the scene where Ranbir conjured up a " birthday cake " for Konkona 's birthday in under ten minutes , out of bread and jam . That was just so touching and had a good feel to it . I know it 's not a proposal or a romantic scene , but it belongs in this list . Speaking of romance , the only significant disappointment I met with was the way the story ended . I was hoping there wouldn 't be any romance and I would go home with a memory of the best and , possibly , only portrayal of a completely platonic friendship between two single , straight people of opposite genders . But that 's where they chose to disappoint . Well , good thing that they saved it for the last two or three minutes so I could properly enjoy the first 135 minutes . This weekend , I went out for a Hindi movie for the first time since I moved to the States . Not being in the Tri - State area , ( For the uninitiated , that 's where you 'd find the largest number of Indians in the US . Apparently the city of Edison in New Jersey is called ' Little India ' and you can find sari shops and chaat waalas and what have you over there . Manhattan is also host to Diwali melas and other such festivities . ) it is a big deal for me to find a Hindi movie running in the neighbourhood , one that I would want to watch . I wonder why these folks are so enthusiastic about the likes of Kambakht Ishq , Do Knot Disturb and What 's Your Rashee ? , but well , never mind . So I found Wake Up Sid running at a small theatre that 's about two miles from home . I think the hall where I watched it had a capacity of about two hundred people , and the other halls in the building seemed to be of comparable sizes . I think it was one of the smallest movie halls I 've been to . But I think it makes perfect sense for a sparsely populated suburban residential area like ours . Random fact : The state of Massachusetts has about half the population of Delhi , and about twenty five times the area . You get the idea . Anyway , I know I 'm digressing . I was more than surprised to see a relatively empty parking lot and corridors at a movie theatre on a weekend . But well , by now I 'm pretty much used to the idea that Americans like to spend their weekends and their evenings in the peace and quiet of their homes , unlike us Delhiites , who take a certain amount of pleasure in adding to the crowd at already overcrowded malls . But even more surprising was the fact that there were no ushers , nobody to check tickets . Well , the box office counter was a position that you couldn 't get past without the guy at the counter catching sight of you . But there 's nothing to stop you from watching a different movie rather than the one you bought tickets for , or watching both of them one after the other . But it doesn 't seem like people do that kind of thing . Multiplexes that I ' Posted by This is something I landed upon by accident . It 's called Kangana , from a movie called The Great Indian Butterfly . Shreya Ghoshal has so beautifully lent her voice to the feelings of a young woman in love . She is one singer who is good with the mainstream Bollywood stuff , but simultaneously also tackles classical tunes with ease . This is one such tune , faintly reminiscent of her work for Devdas , her debut as a playback singer for movies . It has the same wonderful beauty , the same innocent charm , the same romance . By the way , the rest of the songs in this album are also worth checking out , if you 're interested in something slightly offbeat , a fusion of Indian classical with some Western music . People who know me well know that I 've never actually fasted in my whole life , although some would say that my regular lunch is not very different from what people eat during their Thursday all - fruit , no - cereal fasts . But this was the first time I formally observed a fast with religious strings attached . My mother - in - law told me to eat something before sunrise , which is not too easy for me . I normally don 't feel particularly hungry before eight or nine in the morning . It was not rare for me to rush off to work after having had only a glass of milk and a banana , and a few almonds . But I did eat a little in the morning , at about half past five . I think it was the first time that my husband and I had breakfast together on a workday . Given my normal eating habits , which emphasize on a substantial breakfast and a medium sized dinner , with a light lunch or maybe just fruit in between , it was no surprise to me that I didn 't actually feel like I was fasting until about six in the evening . I guess it helped that I wasn 't working . Well , maybe if I had been working , it would have been even easier since my mind would have been fully occupied . Actually , as a matter of fact , it was . I was reading an extremely gripping book . If I had been in India , this would have been a major festival . There would have been an elaborate puja . Here , the nearest temple I know of is about twenty miles away and even that is a South Indian one , and South Indians don 't observe this fast , to the best of understanding . So I did everything the way any software engineer ( I may not be employed , but I am still a software engineer by qualification and by nature ) would do it . I looked up the katha online and read it to myself in the late afternoon . It helps that the weather here is cool so you don 't feel too thirsty . But yesterday it was even cooler than usual , with the wind blowing fiercely . The lawn was strewn with hundreds of leaves and dozens of pine cones this morning . It would also help that the moon was supposed to rise much earlier , at 19 : 09 hours , thanPosted by People told me that the book was better than the movie . Well , it was . It is a gripping narrative of the life of an orphan , filled with stories of fighting for survival . To the extreme . I 'll quote myself saying a few things about the movie which also hold true for the book . I like stories where one has to connect the dots in order to fully grasp the plot . Although I don 't like ones with overly complicated plots where one has to watch with constant rapt attention in order to figure out whatever is going on . This one was just right . But the book is so much more than that . It is not the glamorised , romanticised rags - to - riches story that the movie makers chose to adapt it into . It was a story of struggle . The struggle to live . The struggle that an orphan has to go through for his dignity . And the indignity that he has to come to terms with . The author 's portrayal of the whole thing , albeit a little extreme and dotted with a few stereotypical characters , is written in a way that makes you feel for the characters , want to know what happens to them next , relate to them . It makes you want to keep turning the pages and not put it down at any point in the story . I 'd rate this one at about nine on ten , and strongly recommend that you read it if you haven 't read it already . I finally took up reading Vikas Swarup 's Q & A . This is not about the book . I will write about it once I finish it . The author says at one point that arrests in Dharavi are as common as pickpockets on the local train . It 's obviously not a good thing for either of them to be common , is it ? I don 't know about the local trains in Mumbai but I certainly know about the local buses in Delhi . I 've been pick pocketed twice myself , in the six years I spent at the University . Once it was my wallet , which , very luckily for me , contained only money , no IDs . My friend who was with me was not that lucky . She was running around the next day lodging FIRs for her college ID and her bus pass and then getting new ones made . The other time it was my cellphone . My first phone , which I 'd bought with my saved up pocket money and birthday money . It felt really bad that time round . I 've had encounters with cops in Delhi , for registering an FIR for my phone ( The Idea folks need a copy before they 'll let you have a new SIM card . ) , for skipping a red light , for being in a car with a friend skipping a red light . I am sorry to say that I never got the feeling that the cops are out there to actually do something for the citizens . Most of them went easy on me because I was a girl , and I was a Jat and so were they , but that 's not my point . My point is that they didn 't seem genuinely concerned about the traffic conditions or the crime rates , but mostly about what was in it for them . My only encounter with a cop here was my road test for my license . I was a little nervous because I wasn 't sure what he would be like , but he turned out to be a rather nice guy . I 'm not saying that all Indian cops are bad guys and all American policeman are good guys , but I 'm just saying that the average patrol guy behaves differently in these two countries . The whole system works differently . If you get a ticket which you don 't think you deserve , you can contest it in court , and my husband has actually done it and won the case . But if you do actually get the ticket , itPosted by I was just thinking about the couple of occasions when I went shopping in India and the store 's credit card machine refused to work because of network issues or something of the sort . On one occasion , we took Akash shopping for a birthday gift and we had at least five credit and debit cards between us , but not enough cash . The birthday boy was the only one carrying cash , and he had to pay for it himself . I just asked my husband what he thought would happen if that happened here . Well , the store would be empty in just a few minutes . People here don 't carry more than ten or twenty dollars in cash . They pay for everything with their credit cards . They 'd go off to the next nearest store to buy whatever it was that they needed . So I was slightly surprised when the checkout counter guy at a particular grocery store asked , " Paper or plastic ? " Now this was not our regular grocery store , so I wasn 't too sure about anything . Turns out , he meant to ask if we wanted paper bags or plastic bags to take our stuff home in ! I think I haven 't really enjoyed a song with a girl - pataaoing - guy theme since the heyday of the likes of Alisha Chinoy and Jaspinder Narula . Well , this one comes pretty close . Shreya Ghoshal has done a good job with Ore Saawariya from Aladin . And the Amitabh Bachchan touch is just priceless . I can hear him singing sasur ghar jaana even when I am half asleep . I think his is one of the most legendary voices of our time , among people in all fields . And quite appropriately so . The song has an upbeat , zesty feel lent to it by the vocalists and the foot - tapping music . I haven 't paid too much attention to the words , because this is the kind of song where they don 't matter all that much . Well , sometimes they do . Sasur ghar jaana re sasur ghar jaana . . . I 'm a shy girl learning to be more outgoing . An introvert learning to open up . A pessimist learning to look on the bright , sunny side . Trying to re - learn the forgotten art of being happy and staying happy . A confused person trying to figure out exactly what she wants from life . Trying to make the most of what I have , right here , right now , and live in the moment .

The flags have come down , the stadium is empty . The people are all gone . It is quiet . Rod Laver Arena is still . The Australian Open is over for another year . The slate that was so clean a few weeks ago has been written on , rough sketches of things to come beginning to take shape . * It 's time to reflect . Or try to forget . Or drink . Any of the above . * I could do some in depth analysis of the tournament and what it all means and stuff , but that sounds like it would take a lot of energy and as much fun as deconstructing is , two weeks of solid tennis really takes it out of you - even if you 're only watching and not playing . So instead of actual , like , paragraphs and stuff , let 's make a list of stuff . Stuff that I noticed , stuff that I think is cool , stuff that I think is not cool . Stuff . * 1 . When Li Na is done with tennis , she needs to have a stand up comedy career where she just makes fun of her husband all the time . She is COMEDY GOLD . 2 . Why haven 't I noticed how cool Li Na is before ? 3 . It was nice that Kim Clijsters got to celebrate her victory as Kim and not as Jada 's mum . Jada is adorable and all , but Kim did this all on her lonesome . 4 . Thank you , Kim Clijsters , for that takedown of Todd Woodbridge . It was awesome . 5 . I can deal with Todd Woodbridge as a commentator . I 'm fine with him . Love Jim Courier , surprisingly love Lleyton Hewitt . HATE BRUCE MCAVANEY . FIRE HIM AT ONCE . HE FILLS ME WITH RAGE . 6 . Novak Djokovic was genuinely the best player on the men 's side this fortnight and was definitely due another title . 7 . I had never , ever realised that Djokovic was such a speed demon . Or that he could do the splits . 8 . Djokovic has improved over the years . He is no longer my most hated player . I 'm never going to be a fan , but am glad to see he 's maturing . 9 . I look at Djokovic , all I can see is Bert from Sesame Street . Or Screech from Saved By The Bell . Can 't help it . 10 . There is a real chance Andy Murray might be the next Ivan Lendl . 11 . There is a real chance Andy Murray might be the next Dinara SafinaPosted by Well , that was a bit . . . anticlimactic . Despite not having a horse in this race , I was - I confess - a tiny bit excited against this final . I thought we could see five sets . I thought we could see a real battle . I thought we would finally see British tennis break its 150 , 000 year old duck . Being half a Brit myself and having a British tennis playing cousin , I was pulling for Murray tonight . A little bit . Andy Murray is emphatically not my fave . But considering Djokovic definitely isn 't either , I had to pick one of them , and Murray it was . And he was so freaking disappointing . There is a name , and the name is Safina . Sure , Ivan Lendl took four finals to win his first one . Kim Clijsters was sitting on zero for many for a long time . But they are the exception , rather than the rule . And just like last year , the question has to be asked - will Andy Murray EVER win a Slam ? But enough of this . I don 't want to be too mean . I have a British tennis playing cousin after all , and knowing what the media are going to do to Murray tonight , I don 't want to add fuel to the fire . Novak Djokovic was genuinely the best player this week . Anyone who beats a member of the Great Fedal Bromance has got something going on , and he was totally superior this week . I don 't normally break into paeans of praise for Djokovic . It is not a secret that I am not a fan . But he deserved this one . I felt , before the match , that it was Murray 's turn , but once I saw the match , I knew it wasn 't to be . Murray didn 't play great , but that doesn 't take away from the fact that Novak played awesome . Like , majorly awesome . His defense in particular this tournament has been out of this world . I still rate Rafa as the best defender on tour , but Novak is up there in the ranks . Some of the shots he played tonight - and , indeed , this fortnight - have been incredible . He has played amazing tennis . And he has showed why he has consistently ranked higher than Andy Murray . It 's been a long time coming - congrats on your second major , Nole . This was a women 's final worth waiting for . It wasn 't the match of the tournament , because hello , Franlana . Francesca Schiavone and Svetlana Kuznetsova definitely take the cake on that one . But it was a damn good match between two ladies that definitely deserved to be there . I think what I liked most about was that it was a freaking battle . I like both women - I was pulling for Li , but Clijsters - hate , you will not find it here - so my investment in the outcome was not as major as it might have been . Instead of making me nervous ( yes , Roger , I am looking at you ) , this time , the battle was kind of exhilarating . After she pulled herself out of that 2 - 0 hole in the first set , I thought no one was going to be able to take Li Na down . She was on FIRE . Like WHOA . I 'm not surprised she started a little slow - first Grand Slam final and all , but boy , did she make up for it with speed and power after that . Like CRAZY . Seriously , there are no words to describe the awesomeness of her play in the first set . Clijsters didn 't know what hit her - and faced with an opponent so obviously streaking , and to whom she had lost so recently , it would have been very easy to fall off the pace right there and let Li run away with it . But she did exactly the opposite - she stepped it up majorly . And that is the difference between Kim 1 . 0 and Kim 2 . 0 . Kim 1 . 0 ? Fragile , mentally . She did lose four Slam finals before she won one , which must have taken a toll . Kim 2 . 0 ? Made three finals , won all of them . The Second Coming of Kim Clijsters is made of stern stuff , and she showed it in this match , because with the way Li Na was playing , I didn 't give her a chance . Shows what I know . Li did fall back to earth a little . This is not to say that she suddenly played awful or anything , but no player can be on fire forever . But she was right in there - right in there the whole way . Even during the third set , where Kim got on top quite quickly , there was always a possibility that Li could come back . Even though it was three sets , the scoreline - 36 63 63 - doesnPosted by If I have learned one thing from this Australian Open , it is this : never , ever underestimate David Ferrer . I have been guilty of doing this for a long time . He 's sort of my anti - Kohlschreiber - I always expect Kohlschreiber to do better than he does , and I always expect Ferrer to do worse than he does . In fact , if you asked me before this tournament who I genuinely thought I was a better player , I might have even said Kohlschreiber . David Ferrer is the ultimate under - the - radar guy . It 's amazing how he 's managed to stay under the radar when he 's made multiple Slam semis . I knew this , and I still continually underestimated him . I didn 't even notice he was in the tournament till he played Raonic in the first round , and even then I had a mental asterisk next to him that said ' bunny ' . ' Oh , he will lose to Rafa easily ! ' thought I . Obviously this was not to be . Sure , Rafa was injured , but he was still moving , still fighting . It must be very easy to lose to a wounded warrior - to get so excited about them being on the ropes that you forget about the business of winning the match . And Rafa , while obviously hampered , wasn 't quite on crutches yet . Ferrer kept his head . He played smart tennis , and he won - deservedly so - in straights . There was a lot of attention on how humble Rafa was , refusing to talk about his injury and giving credit to his opponent . Sure , he was very humble - it was a great press conference . But he was also right . Ferrer won this match . Full credit . But still , thought I , ' oh , he has no chance against Andy Murray ! Muzz will hand his arse to him ! ' And yes , Ferrer lost . But he went down swinging like a real champion . He played amazingly to get that first set , and if he had taken that set point in the second set , who knows what direction the match would have taken ? This has been a great tournament for Ferrer . But he didn 't get to the semis by accident . And I - and everyone else - need to remember that Ferrer deserves all the glory he can get . No more under the radar . Let 's stand up and applaud David Ferrer . Sometimes the other guy is just a little bit better . And that is what happened to Roger Federer tonight . No excuses . No rhyme , no especial reason . Novak Djokovic just played better than him tonight . And that is tennis . Federer didn 't play his bestest match ever , but even if his level had been a little higher , I don 't know what would have happened . Novak Djokovic played better than I have ever seen him tonight . He was a backboard in some points - I don 't know what his unforced error count was , but I bet it was pretty low - and in others he ripped some spectacular winners . His forehand has long been lauded as his weaker wing - it did not seem weak tonight , when he hit crosscourt forehands with consummate ease . His serve was a weapon . His backhand was sublime . Djokovic played like a man who deserved to win the match - and he deserved every bit of it . It 's no secret that I 'm not exactly his biggest fan , but there is not one element of his game I can fault tonight . He was the better player on the court , plain and simple . And after three years , it might finally be his turn again to win a Grand Slam . It 's strange to be in a world where Roger Federer does not hold a Grand Slam title - but it 's not necessarily a bad thing . Roger has been on top for so long - now he has things to work towards , new mountains to climb . It can be depressing or it can be exciting , and I choose the latter . And there is a particular year in my mind - 2009 . In that year , Roger didn 't win the Australian Open either - but look at how it turned out . But even if Roger never won another title ever , he would still be my favourite player ever . There is no loss that can take away what he has done and what he is . So I can remain upbeat about this loss . He was outplayed . This is tennis . It happens . And he is the greatest tennis player ever . He has a lot of career left in which to play beautiful , wonderful tennis , perhaps win another couple of Slams , and to generally continue being awesome in . Congratulations , Novak . All the best for the final . And Roger - we 'll sPosted by Today is not a tennis day that made me happy . There is Rafa . Oh , Rafa . I didn 't actually realise how much I loved you until I saw you struggling to play through pain - and it must have been a lot of pain to hamper you so badly . What a sad way for your quest for the Rafa Slam to end . And then there is Justine , retiring for the second time . Her elbow is too fragile for her to continue . I guess we can just be grateful for the time we had . These are obviously not exactly connected issues , so let 's start with Rafa . In fact , let 's start with David Ferrer , who played an outstanding match . I want to take absolutely nothing away from the killer performance he put in here . I have seriously never seen him rip so many winners . And even though I knew he was the Energiser bunny , I had no conception of how fast he was . That seriously surprises me every time . And when you 're Rafa , and you 're clearly injured - even if you are being so gracious and not talking about it - the Energiser bunny , who will make you play ball after ball after ball , is the last person you want to play . Rafa was such a gentleman about his performance . He didn 't want to talk about his injury , he said , because he didn 't want to detract from the performance of his opponent . Full credit here . More than full credit . This is the kind of behaviour that led him to getting the sportsmanship award as voted by the other players . Murray 's road to the final suddenly got a whole lot easier . He may have lost a set to everyone 's new favourite Dolgopolov ( whom we all Dolgopolove ) but he is still the form player on this side by a mile . With Soderling and Nadal swept out of his path , he practically has a free ticket straight to the final . Great as David Ferrer played - and even though he has a winning record over Murray - I don 't see Ferrer doing much to hurt the Muzz . But I would have said that about Nadal , so go figure . And then the other tragic news - the second retirement of Justine Henin . I thought there was no way she would ever come back from her first retirement , but this tiPosted by Okay , so I chose the headline because I thought it was funny . The book Flat Stanley made me cackle with mirth for many hours as a child . I actually don 't think Stanislas ' Stanley ' Wawrinka was that flat at all . I just can 't resist wordplay . Let me qualify . Stan wasn 't playing his bestest tennis ever , that is for sure . But it wasn 't necessarily his fault . He wasn 't playing his bestest tennis ever because his ol ' mate Rog wouldn 't let him . It 's hard to play your friends . Stan talked a bit about how he had to imagine there was no face on the other side of the net . Roger clearly doesn 't have the same problem - nor could he afford to , being on the top of the game and having a committed bromance with rival Rafa . But quite apart from that , it 's hard to play your friends because they know all your tricks . Roger knows Stan 's tricks . He knows all about the backhand down the line , and the angled backhand crosscourt , and the backhand in general . He knows about Stan 's serve and his forehand and his volleys . This goes both ways , of course , but Roger has a LOT more tricks . You just have to look at the game played at the end of the second set to know that . In a way , because Stan knows all his tricks , Roger had to play exhibition style tennis to beat him . This is a Stan very different to Stans we 've seen before - this is Lundgren ! Stan , who is aggressive and not afraid to get in his opponent 's face and who rips winners like whoa . It reminds me a little bit of the early days of Dinara Safina and Zeljko Krajan , actually . This is a Stan like we 've never seen him before , using his gifts - his backhand in particular - and his mind to play smart tennis . So Roger had to play smarter . He had to reach into his bag of tricks and pull out some magic . He had to pull a rabbit out of his hat . And he did . Several rabbits and a few of those really long scarves with all the different colours and oh , what 's this ? a straight sets win ! And next to that , Stanley - even the new , improved Stanley , who did not play awful - looked a little flat . Roger will playPosted by Alexandr Dolgopolov is going to be a top ten player . Maybe even top five . And it is going to happen soon . Robin Soderling did not know what hit him when he walked out on Rod Laver Arena . At first , I 'm pretty sure he thought it was fat nothing , when he walked all over his opponent 6 - 1 in the first set . And even when he was broken in the second set - hell , even when he lost the second set - I 'm pretty sure he was still feeling all right . We were all applauding . ' Wow , Sasha got a set ! ' we cheered . ' A set from Soderling ! He really is going to be something special one of these days ! ' But Sasha was not content with ' one of these days ' . No , Sasha wanted today . And that is what he got . When Soderling lost the third set . . . he knew he was in a match . And even after Soderling won the fourth set , and when he went up a break in the fifth . . . this was somehow Sasha 's match . After he won the third set , there was not a moment in this match when Dolgopolov was going to lose . Andy Roddick called him ' aggressive to the point of psychosis ' . Sasha Dolgopolov has all the shots . He can rip winners from anywhere in the court - like , ANYWHERE , in that manner that only Federer and Nadal can do on a consistent basis . I can see how , on an off day , it could all go horribly wrong , and I suppose that 's why he isn 't higher ranked right at this second , but ( first set aside ) , it was all going right for Sasha against Soderling . And if he can play like this on a consistent level , it is hard to imagine too many people who could stop him . He has a huge forehand . He has a scintillating backhand . He can volley and slice and has a nice serve too . He can hit with spin , he can hit flat . I saw his match against Becker the other day live and after his match against Soderling , I haven 't seen a shot he can 't hit and hit with panache . He plays the type of tennis which is most watchable when it 's on and agonisingly painful when it 's off . His mission , should he choose to accept it , is to make sure he can keep his level up week in , week out . Because if he can play like hePosted by There were a lot of matches yesterday . Wozniacki won . Wawrinka won . Federer won . Petkovic won . But it was really only about one match . Francesca Schiavone and Svetlana Kuznetsvoa played an instant classic . It was somehow more instant than an instant classic - it was a classic while it was still being played . Three long sets - well , two normal sets and an epic . The longest women 's Grand Slam match ever , clocking in at four hours and forty - four minutes . A testament to these two wonderful players and to two fighting spirits . There is a lot to be said for people who simply refuse to lose . Schiavone , in the end , came away the victor . . . but even though Kuznetsova lost , this match was a wonderful one for her . It 's like Isner / Mahut - any victory in a match this long is Pyrrhic . The W next to one 's name becomes inconsequential , even though it 's the prize being fought over . A match like this transcends a tournament . A match like this is a match for history . Not that that would be particularly easy for either player to come to terms with right at this second . Frankie must be elated ( and exhausted ) . Sveta must be crushed ( and also exhausted ) . But later on , when they look back at this tournament , the wins before this one will not be what is remembered . It will be this match - a match that was more than a victory , much more than a loss . A match that was a celebration of tennis . Unless Frankie goes on and wins the tournament . That memory might be a little sweeter . Much as I would like Frankie to go on and win the tournament , I think that this match will do to her exactly what it did to Isner , and she will go into her next match super - tired . I know five - odd hours is not quite eleven hours , but it 's hours enough . However , if she does pull out the win over Wozniacki , I will CHEER MY FREAKING LUNGS OUT . Because someone who played in a match like that deserves to win a ( nother ) Slam . And the same goes for you , Sveta . You 're not going to win Australian Open 2011 , but there are three other Slams this year . May one of them be yours . Brief sidebaPosted by I did not get to see much tennis yesterday due to being in transit for most of the day - there was a whole incident with a cancelled flight that left me hanging around Melbourne Airport for six hours and then having to wait for a train for another two hours ( quite apart from the two hours I spent on said train ) . . . suffice to say it was a long day , and if I 'd known it would be that painful , I would have somehow contrived to stay in Melbourne another day . As a result for this twelve - odd hour transit drama , the only tennis I got to see was the second two sets of Nadal and Tomic . And much it pains me to say it , because we all know I can 't stand the kid , I was impressed by Bernard Tomic . I was not only hoping for a triple bagel , I was vaguely expecting it . I was convinced that there was nothing in Tomic 's game that could hurt Nadal - that Nadal would eat up those dinky little tap shots Tomic is so obsessed with , that Tomic didn 't hit flat enough to even begin to mess with Nadal , nor did he have anywhere near enough power , that Nadal would exploit Tomic 's movement and drag him around . But it didn 't happen . Nadal won - and won comfortably in the end - but Tomic genuinely did play an excellent match . There were signs in this match of the player Tomic could be . Jim Courier was very insightful earlier this week when he said Tomic was very mentally developed for a player of his age but not physically , and I definitely think that 's true . Tomic hasn 't grown into his height yet - though it certainly did help him neutralise ( to some degree ) the high bounce on the Nadal lasso forehand . And because he is so gangly his movement - particularly up and down to the net - isn 't the best that it can be . Because he is so tall , maybe it never will be world - beating . But his tennis brain is outstanding . Simply outstanding . I read somewhere else that he has a high tennis IQ but a low social IQ , and I think that 's definitely true . If he behaves in the locker room like he does to the public , he 's not going to be that popular . And that could really Posted by Today was my last day at the Australian Open - sadface . I finished it off with wonderful drinks with Dootsiez and PJ from All I Need Is A Picket Fence , which was the perfect way to end what has been a wonderful tournament for me . I have had the time of my life , and you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be back for 2012 - for even longer , if I can possibly afford it ! I spent a great part of my day on Show Court 2 today - first for Almagro vs Ljubicic and then for Azarenka vs Scheepers . Herein is my report . Almagro was playing as well as I have ever seen him on a hard court . We all know that he is the Prince of Clay , but he was absolutely on fire today against Ljubicic . If you 'd asked me to place a bet before the match , I would have said Ljubicic in straights . Instead , it turned out being the other way round . I never realised Almgaro had such massive shots - he can hit the ball HARD . I think the only person I 've seen hit the ball that ( noticeably ) hard is Soderling . And maybe Nadal . Seriously , his strokes were MASSIVE today . He has a real flair for the passing shot and the angled forehand . And he played a totally fierce second set tiebreak . That tiebreak was the real key point in the match , and it was Almagro who held tough . I was very impressed . I totally understand how he gave Tsonga such a good run for his money last year ! Actually , Almagro has a pretty decent record in Australia , and I totally get why . Ljubicic , on the other hand , was doing something weird with his shots . I don 't know if I was influenced by his grunt , which made him sound extremely like he was in pain , but he seemed to be collapsing inwards on a lot of his shots - sort of curling up , which seemed to be really hampering his movement . I don 't know if I 've missed , like , his entire career , and he 's always played like this , but I felt very much like he was playing through big pain . I was kind of glad Almagro put him out of his misery , to tell the truth . And then it was time for the ladies . This was the first full ladies ' match I have watched outsidePosted by The side of the draw playing today is my non - emotional investment side ( ie . no Federer , no Mahut ) , so today was sort of my off day at the Australian Open . This is not to say , however , that I did not have excellent times watching excellent tennis . Because I did . Walking through the gates at Melbourne Park ( and walking out again fifteen - odd hours later , knowing you 'll be back there not long after ) is magical . I 've been to a few of the tournaments around Australia - Sydney , Brisbane , Hopman Cup - and while they are all excellent ( especial props to the Hopman Cup ) there 's a buzz at a Slam . There are good vibrations in the air . Things are going to happen . Magic is going to be made . And magic is made - not just on Rod Laver Arena , not just on Hisense , not just on the show courts . At every court there is magic . One of the most magical moments I 've had this week was on Court 14 ( arguably the most remote court in the complex ) watching Mahut win his first round match . Watching tennis on TV , it seems like the main arenas are all there is . When you are there , there are so many other stories to be told on the outside courts that you miss otherwise . Like Alexandr Dolgopolov . The media has been silent on him - he hasn 't played anyone big yet - but MAN , has this guy got game . He took four sets to beat the also very talented Benjamin Becker ( aka Becker - no - relation ) today , but I was super impressed . He has a great serve , a massive forehand , and he can volley like nobody 's business . He plays Jo - Wilfried Tsonga next , and I would not be surprised at all if he gives the big guy a run for his money . Watch out for this kid in the future . He has MAJOR talent . And he is man enough to wear an Alice band . I respect that . I also saw Youzhny play today . He earned his membership to the Roger Federer Let 's Win Two Sets Then Lose Two And Give People A Heart Attack Club by winning the first two sets over Blaz Kavcic , then dropping two before coming back to see the fifth . I only saw the fifth set , so I can 't talk about the rest of the match , but YouzhnPosted by Sometimes I think it would be easier if I were just a fan of tennis instead of a fan of tennis AND some particular players . Yes , Mr Federer , I am looking at you . If I weren 't a Federer fan , I would be able to be excited about the prospect of a fifth set in the second round against Gilles Simon . I would be glad to see more tennis , to see the battle , to see who would blink first , whose game would stand up to it . I would be able to objectively analyse the match , saying , ' oh , Simon raised his game there , Federer stopped playing so aggressively on the return there , and that is where the problems started . ' I certainly wouldn 't be trying to curl into the foetal position in my seat in Rod Laver Arena , so nervous that I was almost shaking . But then , if I weren 't a Federer fan , I wouldn 't have had that brilliant rush of adrenaline when he finally did win the match . I wouldn 't have screamed and laughed and almost cried , and I certainly would not have hugged four random strangers who were doing pretty much exactly the same thing . Perhaps I might live longer if I weren 't a Federer fan . But the highs - and yes , to have the highs , we do have to have the lows sometimes , though I 'm glad it wasn 't tonight - make it worth it . Take out Federer , substitute Nadal or Djokovic or Murray or the player of your choice . It works with anyone . Sure , we can appreciate a great tennis match , a real battle - something like Hewitt / Nalbandian last night , in which I had no real emotional investment , so I could enjoy almost objectively - but when your heart is in the match ( and your throat , half the time ) . . . well , those are the ones you remember . What I 'm trying to say is this - we need our heroes . Tennis isn 't the same without your guys to get behind . ( Or ' root on ' , as Wilson ads on Facebook keep telling me today . Insert ' yes please ' type innuendo joke here . ) Federer is mine . And in tonight 's match , I smiled , I laughed , I was almost calm . . . and then I raged and screamed and almost cried . And then , at the end . . . it is more than relief , more than joy . WhenPosted by Sleepless is the best way to put it . It 's 1 : 30am as I write this , back in my hotel room , after just having returned from the exhilarating Nalbandian / Hewitt five set match . I 've been at Melbourne Park since 10 in the morning . That 's a very long day of tennis - and I 'm going to do it all again tomorrow ! I started my day with a leisurely wander around the practice courts ( harder than it might sound , as there are eight , four on each side of the site , and it takes about ten minutes to bash your way through Grand Slam Oval to get there ) before settling down for a bit to watch Kai - Chen Chang and Bojana Jovanovski . Yes , I went to a WTA match . I upheld my word . I caught the first set , which Chang totally let slip out of her grasp after being a break up . But Jovanovski . . . well , she is one to watch . I then intended to catch some of Youzhny and Ilhan , but it was crazy full there with shouting Turkish fans , so I opted for the slightly tamer ( in crowd size , not in tennis ) Kavcic / Anderson , where I saw Anderson take the first set . I then thought he was destined to win the thing , but I was wrong . Oh , how I was wrong . As I will elaborate later . It was back to the back courts after that - yes , I was trying to stalk players in their practice sessions ; no , it didn 't entirely work - where I caught about a set and a half of the all Brazilian battle between Thomaz Bellucci and Ricardo Mello . This might have been my favourite back court match of the day , because this match had it all - extreme tension and big hitting and some real flair that you don 't often see outside of the Frenchies . Bellucci was on top when I was watching , but looking at the score , Mello came back and took a couple of sets before Bellucci closed it out . I 'm not surprised . He was playing very well . These are seriously two very watchable players . . . . but I stopped watching them after a bit , because , you know , trying to catch some matches and practices and suchlike . I caught a bit of Schwank and Mayer , but the all - Argentinian battle didn 't have anything on the all - Brazilian Posted by There is something magical about walking through the gates on the first day of the Slam . It is a clean slate . There is tennis to be played , stories to be told , portraits to be painted , hearts to broken , tears and laughter and incredible sadness and joy ahead , but on that first day , everything is clean and new . Anything is possible . And you are there to witness it . I made a decision this year that unlike previous years , where I have flitted from court to court to court ( usually in an effort to make sure I don 't miss any Federer practice sessions , because I am a fangirl like that ) , I was going to try and watch some real proper tennis on the outside courts ( ie . more than one change of ends ) . I also wanted to make sure I watched at least one player a day I had never seen before , preferably one I 'd barely / never heard of . So , without further ado , here is my story of Australian Open - Day One . I 'd decided to begin my day on Court 6 with what looked like a tasty match up between Julien Benneteau and Juan Monaco , but then when the players walked on court . . . hey , THAT 's not Benneteau , quoth I to myself . No , it was Simon Greul , whom I presume is a lucky loser . I have no idea what 's happened to Benneteau , but he wasn 't on that court when he was supposed to be . I hope it 's nothing bad . . . particularly as he is doubles partners with Mahut and I want them to be awesome ! ( More on Mahut later . ) So I upped and left after two changes of ends ( see , I watched some of it ! I gave it a chance ! ) and wandered round to the back courts . For some reason , it is so difficult to get there now that you practically have to answer three riddles of increasing difficulty then fight a troll , but when I did manage to fight my way to Court 16 through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered , I was treated with Federer practice goodness . I feel like it was the tennis gods rewarding me for being good . La la la . Then I went to Court 19 ( the original aim of my trek to the back courts ) and caught a set and a half of Carlos Berlocq against Robin Haase , which was aPosted by It wasn 't quite Hit For Haiti . I don 't know if anything could match the glorious spontaneity of that Sunday afternoon last year . But Rally For Relief this afternoon was big fun , and the cause was extremely important . ( If you haven 't already , please donate - you can do so here . ) It was only a short event but it felt longer - probably because of the masses of time we spent queueing and then sitting in the arena , waiting for the players to come on . ( Though there was a Federer practice session going on , so who was complaining ? NOT ME . ) There were a lot more players than last year - the event opened with ten players walking on . The Gold Team : Novak Djokovic , Caroline Wozniacki , Ana Ivanovic , Justine Henin , Lleyton Hewitt ( c ) The Green Team : Andy Roddick , Andy Murray , Vera Zvonareva , Victoria Azarenka , Pat Rafter ( c ) All ten of the players were micced up , and they were hilarious . I can 't really convey the humour of events like these in words - perhaps you can try and YouTube it , if you weren 't lucky enough to be there ! - but it was in great spirit , great fun , and was great tennis . Honorable mentions have to go to Andy Roddick for taking on linesman duties and Novak Djokovic for both conducting a rally while sitting down and getting into the press pit . Dishonorable mention goes to Andy Murray for substituting grunting for humour and Lleyton Hewitt for trying to bring his son Cruz onto court ( Cruz promptly burst into tears ! ) even if it was epically cute ! And then this lot went off and four more came on for a match of doubles - Rafael Nadal and Kim Clijsters against Roger Federer and Sam Stosur . These four weren 't micced and I feel like this was a bit of a failing - all four of them were micced up last year and were good value for money ( though Stosur was a bit quiet ) . However , you have nothing to complain about when you have seen . . . drumroll . . . FEDAL DOUBLES . Yes , it 's true . Yes , it happened . The players pretty soon switched sides and we had girls against boys . I 'm sure I 'm not the only tennis fan who thinks it would be legendPosted by NICOLAS MAHUT IS THROUGH TO THE MAIN DRAW OF THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN ! TAKE YOUR WILDCARD AND F ^ & * ING SHOVE IT ! . . . yes , I am a little bit excited about it . He overcame Danish dude Frederik Nielsen in three sets . I don 't mind what happens now - I 'm just glad that he got to the main draw and I 'll have a chance to cheer him on ! ( Though if you want to win a round or two that 's fine with me , Nico . ) Someone I will not be cheering on , however , is Viktor Troicki . I went to the final of the Medibank International , which was won by Gilles Simon , and Troicki 's behaviour was absolutely atrocious . Any respect I ever had for him . . . gone now . I have no problems with fiery temperaments . I don 't even have any problems with racquet smashing . I 'm a SAFIN fan , for heavens ' sakes - I freaking love that stuff , if it 's done with Safinesque panache . But what I don 't like is blatant abuse of the linespeople and other court staff , as well as constant remonstration and blaming other people for your f ^ & * ups . The crowd did not warm to Troicki - there was a large Serbian contingent cheering for him , and that was about it . I think everyone else was going for Simon - not because he was especially good on his own , but because he wasn 't actively abusing anyone . When Troicki got called for a foot fault late in the second set , I seriously thought he was going to pull a Serena on the lineswoman . It was . . . it was nasty , and that 's not something we need in our sport . What we do need is awesome people like those who are playing Rally For Relief - suppport this awesome cause if you can ! You can make contributions here . I 'd like to register my complete lack of surprise at Kim Clijsters losing to Li Na in the Sydney final . I saw Li play when I was there on Monday , and after that display against Kleybanova from Kim , well . . . . . . I don 't think it will damage her Australian Open chances at all . Indeed , I think she will go in the favourite , and she merits that . This loss might actually be good for her in a way - the way she was being talked about was as a favourite so overwhelming any misstep would have brough enormous pressure down on her head . She has an interesting first round opponent at the Open - one Dinara Safina . Remember her ? I hear she used to be # 1 in the world . . . once upon a time . This is an awful draw for Dinara , who is trying to make her comeback . . . and the sad truth of the matter is that if I were Kim , I wouldn 't really be worried at all . That 's not a good thing to say about a former # 1 in the world - but it 's also a true thing . Now , the draw has just been done , and I could spend some time looking at it and breaking it down like I often do before Slams . But a ) everyone else has already done this and b ) I couldn 't be bothered , as I am writing this on a train , so what I will do instead is this : Things I Find Interesting About The Draw - Federer has a nasty second round match , whether he gets Gilles Simon or Yen - hsun Lu . . . not to mention his first round match , against Lukas ' I fed Rafa a bagel ' Lacko . - Hewitt / Nalbandian should be an absolute cracker . . . but will probably be disappointing . - Tsonga / Petzschner is the Thinking Tennis Fan 's favourite first round match up . - There is no way in hell Caroline Wozniacki is winning the Australian Open , and I don 't even particularly like her chances of getting past the first round . - Poor Dinara . - Will the real # 4 please stand up ? I love that Muzz and Sod are in the same quarter . I love it a lot . Okay , that 's done . Now onto the far more interesting bitching about the draw ceremony . Seriously , WHO KEEPS LETTING BRUCE MCAVANEY OUT OF HIS BOX ? This is why we can 't have nice things . Not only is he Posted by Rally For Relief at the Australian Open sold out in a matter of hours . That is about 15 , 000 tickets , gone like that . And one of them is mine ! I am seriously so proud of the tennis community for this . Hit For Haiti last year was absolutely extraordinary and Rally For Relief sounds like it will be exactly the same . And the support that it 's receiving . . . well , it 's a testament to the generosity of both tennis players and fans . The community has pulled together incredibly . Well done , everyone ! It feels like I 've talked more about wildcards and rallies than actual tennis in the last couple of days , so probably I should do something about that . Though one brief wildcard note before I do start talking about tennis actually happening in this actual week - Sabine Lisicki is playing qualifying . WHAT . IS . UP . WITH THAT . It 's people like Sabine Lisicki and Nicolas Mahut that illustrate SO CLEARLY why we need a Wildcard For Awesome . As a tennis fan , I feel like it 's a serious injustice on both of them . Here 's hoping they both qualify - I will be at their matches for sure ! Now . Onto Sydney . That match between Clijsters and Kleybanova was . . . well . Whenever people start talking about how excellent Kimmie 's looking - including me - it always seems to me like she pulls out a match like this one . The shoulders slump , she gets dejected , and no matter how invincible she 's been looking , weird things start to happen . The classic example is , of course , that loss in Melbourne last year to Nadia Petrova , where she got totally hammered . She managed to pull out the win over Kleybanova - she did wake up enough to play an excellent tiebreaker - but it is concerning . The only tournament where this doesn 't seem to happen is the US Open , where Kim is charmed . I think Kim has a really good shot at being # 1 if she makes a good run in Australia , so here 's hoping that she 's got her weirdnesses out in this match and brings it in Melbourne . With Serena out , the Australian Open genuinely is anyone 's tournament - and why not Kim 's ? ( Though I must confess that , Posted by If there is one thing I think I have really learned in the past week , it is the capacity of the tennis community to pull together . I saw it on Twitter this week , when one little late night hashtag turned into a Twitter love fest for Nicolas Mahut . ( # wildcardformahut is now # supportmahut , in case anyone missed it ! ) And now , on a much larger and more important scale , we have the Federer - originated Rally For Relief . We saw Hit For Haiti last year . We saw how the tennis stars of the world , as well as the tennis fans , pulled together to raise a huge amount of money to go towards the Haiti earthquakes . This year , the need is much closer for the host country . In case anyone has been living under a rock and missed it , there have been massive and incredibly destructive floods in Queensland . An inland tsunami has swamped Toowomba , rivers have peaked at depths of 22 metres in some area , large parts of Brisbane are underwater and sharks have been seen in what were once streets in Ipswich . The death toll is rising and a large number of people are still unaccounted for . The area underwater is equivalent to more than six of the United Kingdom . It is huge and destructive . There are no proper words to describe it . But there are ways to help , and the tennis community , as it did with the Haitian tragedy last year , has pulled together to do it . Roger Federer , as he did last year , has organised a charity exhibition to be played on Rod Laver Arena at 2pm on Sunday afternoon . Rafa Nadal , Novak Djokovic , Lleyton Hewitt , Kim Clijsters , Samantha Stosur and Pat Rafter - whose arena in Brisbane is now underwater - will all be playing . Like Hit for Haiti last year , it should be a whole pile of fun for a very serious cause . And the tennis community will rise to this challenge . So , if you are in Melbourne , get along to the Rally for Relief ! I will be there along with a whole bunch of other tennis folk , including Dootsiez from All I Need Is A Picket Fence , and hopefully the whole arena will be sold out . Tickets are $ 20 a head - a small contribution Posted by Dear Tennis Australia and all ye in charge of giving out wildcards - I get it , OK ? You want to give your discretionary wildcards to Australians . You want to support homegrown tennis and build a Davis Cup team and whatever . I totally understand . But it doesn 't mean I have to like it . And while you may have done a service to Australian tennis ( such as it can be said to be ) , you have done a disservice to tennis overall . Because - as you have heard very loudly over the last few days - the tennis community has been pushing hard for one thing . One wildcard . We wanted a wildcard for Nicolas Mahut . I know he 's not Australian . I know he 's not exactly an up - and - comer . I know he 's not going to play Davis Cup for you . But what he is is PURE 100 % AWESOME . And we wanted him to have a chance . Tennis is gladiatorial . Mahut is a gladiator . He played an eleven hour match - how many of your other wildcard contenders could claim to have the legs to do that ? Tennis is entertainment . Um , were you watching the Hopman Cup ? Mahut put on a dress and walked out there and entertained his heart out . You want tennis to be watched ? You want tennis to be popular ? You want to encourage kids to pick up a racquet ? You want to entertain them . You need a showman . In short , you need someone like Mahut . Wildcards are for those who might do something with them . Two words : Hopman Cup . Mahut beat Potito Starace , ranked almost a hundred places higher than him , and pushed Andy Murray very , VERY hard . You want someone who might actually win a match or two ? How about Mahut ? Wildcards are for those who deserve to catch a break , who deserve a shot . Look at Kim Clijsters and Justine Henin . Clijsters got a wildcard to the US Open in 2009 , Henin to the Australian Open in 2010 . Both players who needed a chance . And look how that turned out . Now , I 'm not saying that Mahut would have gone on and won the Open if he 'd been given a wildcard . But honestly , what more does he need to do ? This one is on his own tennis federation as well - Rufin in the US , Paire here . . . why does MaPosted by WILDCARD FOR MAHUT WILDCARD FOR MAHUT WILDCARD FOR MAHUT # wildcardformahut . Yep , that 's still happening . Wildcards are due to be announced Tuesday , so get aboard the bandwagon for one last push ! The bandwagon was largely pushed by other people yesterday , as I was incommunicado while taking my younger brother to the Medibank International . It was his first time at an international tennis tournament - though he is , like his sister , a big fan ( and unlike his sister , an excellent player ) - and the tournament did not disappoint . We were lucky enough to be treated to the entire three hours and twenty minutes of the epic clash between Juan Martin del Potro and Feliciano Lopez . I really , really feel for Feli Lopez . You come into a tournament , you 're seeded , you hope to start off easy , with a qualifier maybe , and hey - you get drawn against a guy ranked # 259 ! Awesome ! But oh . . . hey . You look at his name . Juan Martin del Potro . Bugger . And then you play really well ! I 'm serious , you play REALLY well . The crowd 's not especially behind you or anything - there 's not many of them anyway , and most of them are supporting your opponent - so this one is all you . Your opponent is directing a few wide into the tramlines - he doesn 't seem to have his timing quite right yet - and you are pouncing . You are playing awesome stuff . But he is a world class player , even if he is a bit down on his luck , and he 's sticking with you . All right , you think , I 'll just hang on and do it in the tie break . And you do it ! You take that first set breaker and then - guess what ? You keep playing awesome ! But he keeps sticking with you , so you 're like , fine , another breaker , I 've done this before . And you bring up match point ! . . . and he saves it . And you two play an absolutely electrifying tie break . And he gets it . And then you get to the breaker AGAIN . No one can pick a winner . But he gets you . After a long , LONG time , he gets you . He gets the glory . And what do you get ? Upset in the first round . A seeded player , beaten by # 259 in the world . It must suck to be Posted by Given as the draw for Australian Open qualies is released on Tuesday , I 'm betting the final discretionary wildcards for announced on Monday ( conveniently when I am at the Medibank International and electronically incommunicado - annoying ) . Let us keep hoping for a wildcard for Nicolas Mahut ( and tweeting vociferously to that effect ) ! Now , over to some finals . We had two yesterday , in Chennai and Brisbane , and they were both very good results for those involved . Newly - family - leaving Stan Wawrinka ( if he wanted to make his image different to Federer 's , I 'd say he 's succeeded now ) won in Chennai , which is a great result for him , even if Chennai is a bit of a Mickey Mouse tournament . He beat super - talented but super - sketchy Xavier Malisse in three sets . And . . . I didn 't see the match , so that is all I have to say about that . I did , however , see the Brisbane final , and Robin Soderling is looking DANGEROUS . Capslock merited . He fully merits gaining the # 4 ranking . He has been untroubled on serve all week , and he totally dominated Andy Roddick with his flat forehand - and he ripped a few awesome backhand winners too . And it 's hard to conceive of just how HARD he hits the ball - I swear it makes a different noise to when other players hit it . I wouldn 't be surprised if he managed to burst one one day . Roddick did not play badly - it certainly wasn 't his bestest performance ever , but he didn 't suck or anything - but Soderling left him dead in the water . If he continues to play like this in Australia , there are going to be precious few people who are able to stop him . I would actually love to see Murray drawn in his quarter - we could have a battle for the REAL # 4 . Now that would be something . ( Basically , I hope he doesn 't draw a be - wildcarded Mahut first round . That would make me sad . ) Suffice to say , Soderling is going to do better in Australia than last year . . . where he lost in the first round . And speaking of Kim Clijsters , she is also looking VERY dangerous . But after her showing against Petrova last year , I 'm not putting aPosted by WILDCARD FOR MAHUT WILDCARD FOR MAHUT WILDCARD FOR MAHUT GIVE HIM A WILDCARD NOW WILDCARD FOR MAHUT . # wildcardformahut . . . wow , sorry about that . I 've been typing # wildcardformahut and various permutations so often for the past couple of days that it has become second nature . It takes a bit of dedication to captain a Twitter campaign to ( hopefully ) victory . But if anyone with the wildcarding power happens to read this - make my day ! make the day of everyone else who wants a wildcard for Mahut ! and , most of all , make the day of Nicolas Mahut ! WILDCARD FOR MAHUT 2011 . It 's a thing . Now , other business . The Hopman Cup has finished up , with the USA very deserving winners . The John Isner / Ruben Bemelmans match was a bit of a non - event - which is not surprising , given the ranking difference - and it certainly wasn 't the best mixed doubles match ever , but the match between Justine Henin and Bethanie Mattek - Sands was as good as I 've ever seen . I kind of love Bethanie Mattek - Sands . I never expected to , and I 've laughed my arse off at her crazy fashion over the years , but I 've discovered this week I sort of love her . I love her totally aggressive game , and her determination , and I especially love her backhand down the line . She seems pretty chilled out and yet totally focused on tennis all at the same time , and she was a really great addition to this year 's Hopman Cup . If she can play in Melbourne like she did in Perth , then she can definitely get to at least the fourth round . It all depends on draw , of course , but there 's no reason why she can 't put up a great show . And it was a great performance from Isner as well . He came back well from his shellacking by Murray to play very well against Bemelmans . Good stuff . Well done , USA - this was a very well - deserved win . And well done Belgium , on a well played final . And well done Hopman Cup , for bringing Nicolas Mahut into the spotlight for a week . . . # wildcardformahut . Ahem . Back on track . Petra Kvitova won in Brisbane , which was a great result for her , and she did it in style - she playPosted by I 'm serious , Australian Open . I 'm so serious I started a Twitter campaign about it . You may have noticed it . It 's grown a lot pretty quickly . The hashtag is # wildcardformahut . And the aim . . . ? TO GET NICOLAS MAHUT A WILDCARD TO THE 2011 AUSTRALIAN OPEN . Mahut 's already been passed over by his own federation in favour of Benoit Paire ( still not entirely sure who that is ) so it is up to the Aussies to do right by this guy and give him a wildcard . And he deserves one - more than anyone else I can think of . Let 's review : - He flew all the way to Australia just to play the Hopman Cup . - He did this to replace someone else , out of the goodness of his heart . - He has been one of the crowd favourites , if not THE crowd favourite , all week . - He beat Potito Starace , who is ranked nearly a hundred places above him , in very handy straight sets . - He gave Andy Murray a very big scare . - He is a wonderful player to watch - and people WANT to watch him . - He is all aggression and French flair and dynamic tennis - he plays tennis in the spirit of the game , so to speak . - He has been inside the top hundred and has the talent , game and desire to get there again - which would be helped by a wildcard . - He played the longest match ever last year , so it 's not like he 's some nobody that isn 't any kind of drawcard . - He got absolutely shafted by the US Open last year . - He got shafted by his own federation , who wildcarded someone else . - He wore a dress in the mixed doubles at Hopman Cup . Seriously , enough said . - About a bazillion people want him to get a wildcard ( seriously , check Twitter . It 's a LOT of people . ) - HE IS AWESOME . I would write a longer list , but it is two thirty in the morning and even those of us righteously campaigning for the Mahuts of the world to get wildcards need sleep . But please , Australian Open , do right by this guy . He has got the rough end of the stick so many times , and you are in a position to be benevolent . Give Mahut a wildcard . He 's not going to win the tournament , but he will play some very stylish , watchable tennis - Posted by Mostly artsy tweed - wearing academic type . Works on genre , pop culture , romance , and literary history . Loves theatre and writes about it a lot . Unapologetically subjective .

Handel 's Messiah doesn 't trumpet from invisible speakers when I walk into the Pinball Hall of Fame , my temple , for the first time since 2010 , and my first time as a resident . Golden light doesn 't pour down from a massive hole in the ceiling that wasn 't there five seconds before . No . The Pinball Hall of Fame isn 't a monastery by dint of all the brightly - lit , sometimes noisy pinball machines on display . But it is my monastery . It 's where I go for spiritual pinball fulfillment . I have played lots of pinball machines before , at Don Carter Lanes in Tamarac , Florida when I was in a Saturday morning kiddie bowling league , and other places , but never like this , never with pinball machines of different eras and arcade machines in rows for you to walk up and down , to find that one machine that is exactly you , to gape at the history of pinball right in front of you , carefully and lovingly restored and well - maintained . Any pinball machine that comes here has a new life , a new home , a way to always be remembered , to always be active . The first time I went there , I was stunned by all that was available to me . I wanted to play everything . I laughed out loud when I saw The Addams Family and Twilight Zone pinball machines , because those had been the ones I played at Don Carter Lanes , the ones I could always rely on for a few free games because some kid had put quarters in them , but had to rush back to play their frame of bowling , and forgot about it . I always knew when to look , especially when there was a crowd around Mortal Kombat , because someone was bound to leave quarters in those pinball machines . This time , at the Pinball Hall of Fame yesterday afternoon , I walked in and I didn 't feel that rippling excitement that I did that first time , or even that second time . But that second time , I was just exhausted from all the rushing around , which took a major toll on me . I didn 't have as much fun as I usually do there because I wasn 't sure what was going on inside my body , though it was likely a combination of too much caffeine , too much junk food , too little sleep . Because I don 't do caffeine anymore , because I eat better , because sleep comes easily with the previous two , I was better prepared for what I was looking for : The Tron : Legacy pinball machine , Galaga , and The Pinball Circus , the rarest pinball machine in the world , with only two prototypes in existence , one at the Pinball Hall of Fame . Now , here I was , inside , looking around , looking down the ends of the rows from my vantage point . And the first thing I did ? Popcorn . 25 cents . Drop a quarter in , making sure one of the free white paper bags is under it , and the popcorn comes out . I ate as I walked past the rows , first spotting the Tron : Legacy pinball machine and grinning . Next , my search for Galaga in the row on the far right side of the building , where all the arcade machines were . One Ms . Pac - Man machine had other games running on it including the war game , 1942 , but it didn 't look like Galaga was on it . The other Ms . Pac - Man machine that actually had Ms . Pac - Man on it was all that it had . No Galaga . Disappointed ? No . It just means that during the two weeks of vacation that Dad and Meridith have , starting after work today , if we go back to the Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas in Primm , I 'm rushing right back to that Galaga machine in the food court , eager to try to get past Stage 17 . That 's all . My first game was the Wheel of Fortune pinball machine for Mom . On Ball 3 , the ball got stuck at the top , and I looked for where the ball was at the top , also looking for a volunteer who usually cleans the glass of each pinball machine , or the main guy who runs the place , to try to get my ball back . But it was time for me to try a skill I had previously only watched at Don Carter Lanes and other arcades with pinball , because the previous two times I was at the Pinball Hall of Fame , I didn 't need to do this : I bumped the cabinet of the machine to try to put the ball back into play . During this attempt , I discovered that some machines are more sensitive than others . If you bump the cabinet too hard , the machine displays " TILT , " and your game ends immediately . I bumped the cabinet just enough to make it noticeably jiggle and the screen said " Danger , " but the ball went back into play . The game ended pretty quickly after that . As you hit the barrier under each contestant in the machine , they guess a letter of the puzzle , which of course is " POWER BONUS . " Pretty easy . But I didn 't get further than the " P " and the " O " in " BONUS . " The Pinball Hall of Fame also has a drink vending machine , with varying prices for cans , plastic bottles , and glass bottles . It 's $ 1 . 50 for Yoo - Hoo . That 's what I bought , and I made the mistake of chugging it down faster than I 've ever done with any other drink , just to get back to playing . I had an annoying headache later last night from that . After chucking the glass bottle into the trash can next to the vending machine , I went searching for The Pinball Circus and found in the second - to - last row to the right . Sitting before me was $ 1 . 5 million dollars of pinball machine . Two prototypes were made , and according to the written text cards taped above the machine , one was tested in a Chicago location , and it was found to have made just as much money as Indiana Jones and Star Trek , the two most popular pinball games at the time of its testing . Both Indiana Jones and Star Trek were table - top pinball machines , whereas Pinball Circus is a vertical machine . Plus , another partner in the cost of this machine was not to pay an extra $ 1 , 000 related to something with the machine , so both prototypes were ditched in a back room at Williams Gaming ( this was years before they ended pinball production and focused squarely on slot machines ) , until years later when two former WMS employees came together to give the Pinball Hall of Fame one of the prototypes , because of its rightly perceived standing as a museum for pinball machines as well . This is only one of two in the entire world . The photos I took of the text cards on my cell phone ( I couldn 't take any of the actual machine itself because it remains mostly dark when it 's not in play , only lighting up when you 're playing it ) are inconveniently blurry , and I can 't quite read clearly the bit that says pinball fans kept searching for " The Holy Grail of Pinball , " as this machine was billed , but never got to play it . That 's exactly what I 'm going for in one of the novels I want to write , albeit with a fictional rare pinball machine . It was hugely inspiring to me to read that part . The next time we go , which may well be during this two - week vacation of Dad 's and Meridith 's , I 'm going to have Meridith take photos of these two text cards with the digital camera we have , hoping it 'll come out clearer because I need this information . During my only shot at Pinball Circus , I loved that when you shoot the pinball up the ramp that leads to the mechanized elephant , it lands on the elephant 's snout and the elephant tips its head back to put it on the metal coiled ramp that runs right back down . I loved that ! I think I saw the acrobat attached to the ceiling of the machine spin a couple times , but I 'm not sure . I was so occupied with watching the elephant . During Ball 2 , the ball lodged somewhere in the left side of the machine and all I could do was hit the flipper buttons as well the " Launch Ball " button and the " Extra Ball " button in a vain attempt to put the ball back into play . I was not going to push the cabinet of a $ 1 . 5 million dollar machine , and especially not this one , the rarest pinball machine in the world . This is a shrine , a valuable part of the history of pinball . I was thinking of asking the main guy to see about it , but he 's not the kind you approach about that , since he was doing something else at the counter in the back . They get to it when they get to it , and I 'm sure they noticed it long after I left , when they shut down the machines for the night . Chances are it 'll have been fixed before I go there again . I wasn 't disappointed because I got to see the machine in person and study it . Some websites have photos of the inner workings of the machine , and there is YouTube video of the machine in action as well , but to actually be able to play it briefly was an enormous honor and is solely responsible for putting me back on my research for this one novel . Tron : Legacy came next , and I wish I could own this machine . It 's one of my favorite movies , and of course has Castor / Zuse ( Michael Sheen ) in audio clips on it , and it 's so much fun to see the thin neon tubes line up along two of the paths the ball can take , to simulate light cycle racing . It 's $ 0 . 75 for one game , or $ 2 . 00 for three , and later on , I put in $ 2 . 00 . When I put a $ 20 bill in the change machine after I had had my popcorn and before I started anything else , I was amazed at how many quarters had come out . After we 'd gotten home and I expressed my surprise over this , Meridith told me that $ 20 is 80 quarters . Well , it seemed like a hell of a lot more , and I 'm glad I had the foresight to bring a plastic baggie with me in which to put those quarters . As I was finishing my third Tron : Legacy game , I noticed that the guy next to me was having trouble with the Transformers pinball machine , the ball getting stuck or it cycling too quickly , and he left it . Little did he know that he left it on Ball 3 , and so I played the remaining two balls . I 'm not into Transformers , but I never pass up free pinball . Then , after Meridith called to say that she , Mom , and Dad were on their way to pick me up , I played the Ripleys Believe It or Not pinball machine for Meridith , then walked around once more . I found a pinball machine called Diner ( not based on the Barry Levinson movie ) in the far - right aisle , but thought about playing Tron : Legacy once more . As I got to the end of the second - to - last aisle , past the Pinball Circus machine again , upon which I hit the " Start Game " button and saw again that it said " Pinball Missing , " I saw that the Austin Powers machine , one of a row against the darkened windows at the front of the building , said " Press Start . " I did , and found that my old Don Carter skills came in handy because I got a free game . Someone had left quarters in there ! Out of all the pinball machines I played , I scored the most points on the Austin Powers machine , possibly because the written sign for it boasted of powerful flippers , and that was true . The replay for the game , the score you have to hit in order to get a free second game , was a little over 100 , 000 , 000 , and I was at 76 , 000 , 000 before my game ended . There 's also the chance of getting a free game if the last two digits of your score match the two digits given by the machine after your game is over , but of all the machines I played and all the times I played Tron : Legacy , I didn 't win a free game from any of them . Next time I go , I want to try the diner pinball machine . That will be my first one when I get there . The second will be Tron : Legacy of course , and then I 'll ask Meridith to take photos of those text cards above Pinball Circus that I need for my writing . I 'm sure that with Meridith there with me next time , there will be air hockey . She loves air hockey , I like playing it , and they have a table tucked into the far upper left corner of the building . The row where the air hockey machine is is home to what seems like a game graveyard , with a semi - organized jumble of pinball machines and two Star Wars arcade machines , one of Episode I . It 's a little haunting , but maybe they 'll be turned on again , replacing a pinball machine or another game that 's not making so much money lately . I don 't think the Star Wars machines will find life again because there 's not enough room for them anyway . And who would dare replace the ' 90s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade machine with one of those ? You never shut down a classic . The Pinball Hall of Fame is actually one of two personal temples . The other is the Boulder City Library , which I haven 't been back to yet , but I consider it that because they 're not afraid of old books ( I love that somewhat musty , well - cared - for smell , and the mustiness is not from neglect . They really do take care of their books , but books do age ) , and they 've kept their card catalog for the public to use if they want . They 're not skittish about history there . But for a weekly temple , as in the library I go to every week , that would be the Whitney Library . I still have quarters in my plastic baggie from the $ 20 I put into the change machine . I didn 't have to use the other $ 20 I had , though I 'm sure I will use it the next time I go . However , there won 't be a two - year gap ever again as there was between this time and the last time . This is where I belong . This is where I feel most at home . And the best part , besides finally seeing Pinball Circus of course , was that my old instincts kicked in . I knew ( mostly ) how to keep a ball from falling into the gutter when it seems like it 's going to fall in the space between both flippers . I don 't have the courage yet to nudge like other players do , but I will soon , and yet I did ok with the strategies I used . I knew how to knock a ball back into the right or left inlane next to the flippers before hitting it again with the flippers . So that 's a start . Now that I 'm familiar again with the layout of the Pinball Hall of Fame , I know exactly where to go the next time , but I 'm not going to rush to where I want to be . At times , it 's enough for me to just walk through the aisles , admiring all these wonderful examples of pinball history . There 's even pinball machines from the 1950s , an entire aisle full of them . This is where I can fully embrace my love of pinball and sometimes watch those who share the same love . There 's a lot of us , and this is truly a temple , where pinball will never die . Either before 6th grade or after 6th grade in summer school at Pompano Beach Middle in Pompano Beach , Florida , we who could nearly fill up an entire computer lab spent time there playing the games available on the computers , including Breakout , in which you had to use a paddle at the bottom of the screen to keep a ball in the air , hitting bricks . One day , we had a tournament in which the prize was half a box of donuts . Dunkin ' Donuts I think . It was a large box . But what I remember fondly , though not as fondly as after it had just happened and a few years after , was the game Marathon , in which you had to defend yourself against an alien invasion . I remember the guns and I remember the aliens . Ugly beasts . I didn 't realize until looking at the Wikipedia page just now that the game takes place aboard a ship called Marathon . But I remember the rocket launcher , and the napalm , and the various other weapons . I remember most the multiplayer mode which a few of us in the computer lab played , either next to each other or across from each other . In multiplayer , you were in an arena and you had to kill your opponents many times over . Or there was a race to see how many suicides you could rack up by pointing your weapon straight at the ground and firing , killing you instantly . The rocket launcher was a favorite for this because when you fired , your body flew into the air , bloody enough as it was and then landed hard on the ground . Who cares if we were in teams ? All that mattered was that rocket launcher . I write this because I wonder if my 6th grade self would have bought " James Bond 007 : GoldenEye " for the Wii . Was I that excited over Marathon that any other game with weaponry and running - and - gunning in it would have been equally appealing ? I don 't think so . Ever since we got the Wii , I 've been eyeing " James Bond 007 : GoldenEye . " The Bond series is my Star Wars , so it would seem an obvious fit . Plus , you can play as Oddjob , Scaramanga , Rosa Klebb , and a few other characters from the movies . You would think I 'd like that . On Saturday , we went to Las Vegas Premium Outlets South ( The North outlets are near Downtown ) , just outside the city limits , before the start of the Strip , where they have a permanent Disney Character Depot location . Being unceasing Disney fanatics , we had to go see what they had , and there , I found Mom a pink Walt Disney World t - shirt with the logo we knew from the late ' 80s , with Mickey Mouse in the middle . I knew I had to get it for her and I did . But before I did , I saw in a square glass case sitting on the counter near the register a copy of " TRON : Evolution - Battle Grids " for the Wii . I love Tron : Legacy and I 'm psyched that director Joseph Kosinski is going to make the third one . I 'll follow him anywhere . I loved this dystopian computer world , and , of course , Jeff Bridges as Kevin Flynn . To me , it 's what movies should always do , and this one did , in sucking you into a vastly different world and showing you around . I eyed " TRON : Evolution - Battle Grids " with that in mind . I looked at it once in the glass case and then walked back to where Mom and Dad and Meridith were , and just after I got there , I went back to the glass case to look at it again . This is a sign that I 'm probably going to buy it because the same thing happened with a framed art print of a tranquil courtyard at Colleen 's Classic Consignment in Henderson . I kept walking back to it and then took it off the wall and paid $ 41 for it . " TRON : Evolution - Battle Grids " was $ 14 . 99 . I gave the woman behind the counter the shirt I was buying for Mom , and then pointed to " TRON " in the glass case and asked for it . I want to explore that world from different perspectives than just what the movie offers , which I of course proudly own on DVD . " James Bond 007 : GoldenEye " should be just as natural a fit . But it isn 't . While " TRON " has the light cycles and the disc battles , and the light runners , " GoldenEye " has the guns and the bloodshed and the collateral damage . I can 't do that . Ironically , I can watch it through all 22 movies I own , and Skyfall when that comes to DVD . But I think that 's because I can leave it behind . It happens and later , the end credits roll and that 's it . The DVD comes out of the player and goes back into one of my two heavy - duty DVD binders . Gone until the next time . With " GoldenEye , " I 'd involve myself in it for hours , even days . What made the multiplayer mode in Marathon palatable was the camaraderie between all of us who were playing . We 'd throw jokes at each other from across the room , next to each other ( One classmate whose name I 've long forgotten used to sing a song with me that we made up for it : " See us fly , watch us die , home run derbyyyyyy . . . . " ) , and keep racking up the death totals . We were young . It was easily dismissed . But I don 't want to spend my time pointing a video game gun at other characters , firing , and moving on to the next part of the mission . I don 't want to be Bond . It 's not in my nature . I 'm not a GoldenEye , Call of Duty , Grand Theft Auto - type person . I fully understand the pleasure those games give others , but it 's not my kind of pleasure . I 'll stick with the Bond DVDs . Monday brought Dogfight : The 2012 Presidential Campaign in Verse by Calvin Trillin , normally a very funny writer to me , and I read most of it , but couldn 't finish it . Not because of him , but because the nation has just finished enduring this presidential campaign . Trillin is great at verse that can make you laugh and , of course , nod in recognition at what has always been so obvious but has never been dissected like he does it , but I think this will be funnier with proper distance , like maybe a year and a half from now . That 's not to say I 'll finish it then , since books are constantly hunting me down , but it 'll work better later . On Tuesday , I read The Beekeeper 's Lament : How One Man and Half a Billion Honey Bees Help Feed America by Hannah Nordhaus , a wonderfully droll reporter who profiles what it takes for bees to make honey , and those that help bees do what they 've always done best : The beekeepers , especially John Miller , the man of the title , who outshines Nordhaus many times by his comments and e - mails to her . In a way , it 's an Abbott & Costello act between the two . Seemingly effortless . After I bought that tall jar of orange blossom honey at the Williams - Sonoma outlet store at the Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas in Primm , a book about honey came to mind , but not the title , and I set about tracking it down with a few word combinations in Google that I thought would get me it . I found that it was called Robbing the Bees : A Biography of Honey - - The Sweet Liquid Gold that Seduced the World by Holley Bishop , which I put on hold at the library and now have here at home to read whenever I feel like it , which is not yet . On that same website , I found out about this book and liked what I learned , about how bees produce honey , about the queen bee , about the ( mostly ) trials of the industry and what beekeepers must go through to maintain a wisp of a profit to barely keep themselves going . It was an adventure into honey , and Nordhaus clearly had fun with the topic , but I learned something and that was it . I didn 't feel a spark within me turn into crackling electricity , which is what I hope a book , any book , will do . Yesterday was a tossup . Around Boulder City by Cheryl Ferrence is valuable only for the photos of life in Boulder City and at Hoover Dam in the late 1930s on . But her writing is embarassing , reading more like a 5th grader 's book report , with clipped sentences and a sense of wanting to rush through it to go do something else , even though she 's part of the Boulder City Museum and Historical Association . Obviously it was created as an update after 2000 's Boulder City Nevada by Mimi Garat Rodden , which was also published by Arcadia Publishing . Rodden is a much better , more enthusiastic writer , not feeling the need to artifically play up Boulder City , which doesn 't need it since there 's so much there that 's always interesting to explore and find something that you personally like about it . Those years have passed , of course , but I wanted to read it again today to see if my views have changed , not about the FAA , but if I felt the same way about the NTSB as I did back then . And I do . I even went to the NTSB website after I finished reading the book to see what positions were available , namely something writing - related , since that 's where I am now in my life . The only positions available required education that would take me years to get and I don 't want to sit in a classroom anyway . Plus , none of what they were looking for really interests me . Not to mention that those positions are located in Washington , D . C . , and I 'm not moving yet again . I 'm happy where I am . I appreciate what I 've read over these past three days , what I 've learned anew , what I 've reunited with , but still no spark . No electricity . Perhaps the best remedy is to get off library books for a while , even though I have nearly 10 to pick up on Sunday ( or possibly Saturday , since the dogs are being groomed at a place directly across from the library and they only take an hour , so it makes no sense going back home ) , mostly Steampunk novels that interest me . I want to get back into all that . One of my new favorite authors of late has been Jay Gilbertson of the Madeline Island series , comprised of Moon Over Madeline Island , Back to Madeline Island , and Full Moon Over Madeline Island , the last of which just came out and which he self - published through Amazon 's CreateSpace . Each novel is populated by the dynamic duo , Eve and Ruby , women to admire and worship for their strength , their good humor , their determination to live their lives on their terms . Madeline Island is real , located in Lake Superior , near Bayfield , Wisconsin . Gilbertson , being a native of Wisconsin , has a unique perspective he brings to his novels , as well as delightful characterizations that were enough to make me eventually buy the first two Madeline Island novels before the third one was available to order . I occasionally thought about those first two novels , but when I learned of the third novel coming out , I remembered how much fun I had reading them , how touched I was by many of the situations , and how badly I wanted to revisit these wonderful women . I highly doubt I 'll be disappointed with Full Moon over Madeline Island , and while it has already become a playmate of the other two novels by dint of being stacked on top of them , it will certainly rejoin them after I 'm done . The one thing I vow to do every Sunday after I 've picked up my latest spate of holds from the library is to not put another book on hold until I 've finished one of the books I 've checked out . If it 's a series like Decker / Lazarus by Faye Kellerman , I read the current installment and then decide if I want the next one , which , lately , I do . That works well for series , and I try to apply the same movement to my other books . It doesn 't work though because there 's always another book that pops into my head , or one of my interests that I must read more about , such as presidential history . In fact , after I pick up the many Steampunk novels that will be on hold for me by the end of the week , I want to get back into presidential history and figure out what I want to read A little bit of pressure develops when I put books on hold for the following weekend . I sometimes feel like I have to read the amount that 's sitting on the hold shelves for me to pick up so it matches , so I don 't feel like I lose out on anything . Some weekends I get lucky . Last week , I tore through 11 books , five I actually read and six I gave up on , and had to find only four books to bring back that I wasn 't likely to read any time soon . This week may produce less books , but it depends because books I 'm interested in at that moment sometimes don 't interest me as much as the week goes on and I don 't feel great regret in giving them up . I know that reading books should be a continual pleasure and not a rush job . They are always a pleasure to me . Even with that bit of pressure , it doesn 't affect how I feel when I 'm reading . And yet , I was reticent about starting Full Moon over Madeline Island because again , I don 't want to feel like I 'm losing out on any other titles when I go to pick up the books waiting for me on Sunday ( or Saturday ) . But I do need a break . I ned to go back to an author that has never let me down , who brings me so deep into Madeline Island that I never feel like I 'm reading chapters . I feel like I 'm actually there . I have many literary superheroes like that , and yet again , for the past two weeks , I 've been tempted to reread , for the umpteenth time , The Memory of Running by Ron McLarty , even though I checked out his Art in America and The Dropper from the library and have yet to read them , even though I really liked Traveler , evidenced by Randall Pound becoming one of my heroes . But soon . Soon . Maybe after Full Moon over Madeline Island , I 'll read what else McLarty has to offer , before I dash back to The Memory of Running . In this way , Jay Gilbertson is one of my literary superheroes , and certainly the literary superhero at the moment because not only do I have the pleasure of experiencing a new chapter of the liveliness of Madeline Island , but through his works , he reminds me that it 's good to go back to what you love , to what you hold close to you , to what becomes dog - eared because you 've read it so much . That 's what books are supposed to be . They 're supposed to be that inviting , to remind you of what you loved so much about them the first time and offer up new insights every other time . Gilbertson 's novels do that for me . So does Steffan Piper 's Greyhound . So does Kazuo Ishiguro 's The Remains of the Day . So does John Steinbeck 's Travels with Charley . So does Graham Greene 's Travels with My Aunt . So does Cory Doctorow 's Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom . So does A . M . Homes 's This Book Will Save Your Life . So do so many others that , if I listed them all , they would be the same length as this post , probably longer . But right now , the man with the cape is Gilbertson . I 'm ready for the realization of the hope of more time on Madeline Island . I 'm ready for my break . My library books can wait . I rushed through my lunch , washed the dogs ' food dishes and water dish and tray , and quickly made Mom 's lunch because I wanted to get to the clubhouse of our mobile home park before it closed at 3 p . m . You can get into it after hours if you call security to open it up for you , but there 's not a lot to do there to merit spending more time than the usual few minutes . There 's a flatscreen TV on a table with a couch and coffee table in front of it , there 's a wider room in the back with tables and chairs , a small kitchen , a water cooler , and a fireplace . Unless one of the residents is holding a birthday party or some other party that necessitates opening up the clubhouse after hours , or the front office is having an open house , as they are on Friday with hors d ' oeuvres and punch ( With $ 900 a month in rent , I had hoped there would be pie or something more significant ) , that area isn 't used much . The maintenance guys read the paper there in the morning , evidenced by the day 's Review - Journal left lying around , but that 's about all the play it usually gets on a daily basis . If you see cars lined up next to the entrance of the clubhouse , then you know something 's going on , but most of the time , silence . There 's also a tiny gym with some broken - down equipment that probably has no hope of being repaired , plus that room could use a paint job . But being that the playground is missing the horses that were on springs , and the basketball court could used new hoops and nets , I don 't think the gym will see anything new for a long time , if ever again . There is a list of things to be fixed , and I know there are financial considerations involved in doing so , but considering that they recently rented a bulldozer to pull out the plants growing next to the entrance and exit gates , I don 't think there 'll be much in the way of other cosmetic freshening . I can understand middle school basketball hoops maybe not having nets , since bureaucracies take time with whatever needs to be done , but the basketball hoops and the playground here are part of the face of this mobile home park . Part of the problem lies in many people moving out , including one now - empty mobile home across the street from us , and empty lots not being filled with anything except trash and bicycle parts and tiny bits of litter . It 's not so bad as to mirror the city dump , fortunately . I think it gives the lots still more history , but empty lots means less money coming in . We are buried pretty deep in the valley , despite being near Sam 's Town . Our entrance faces the back wall of another mobile home park across the street , so it 's not as easy to find . The benefit is that security almost , almost seems superfluous , though I 'm glad to have them . I see them during the day when I walk the dogs , when I go to see if the mail came , and when I walk the dogs late at night . They keep close watch . We hear sirens elsewhere around our park , but never within . For me , the most important room in the clubhouse is diagonal from the TV and the couch . A little past the middle of the room to the right is a pool table with one of those long stained - glass lights you 'd find above a pool table in a bar . Next to the pool table and further back are sturdy wooden bookcases , and to the left of the first bookcases against the back wall are two easy chairs and a table in between . This may well be the quietest library in Las Vegas because I don 't get the sense a lot of people use it . Since the day I saw the library in the clubhouse , I 've been there many more times , more often than before in recent weeks . You can take out any books you want and they trust that you 'll return them . There are no cards , no sign - out / sign - in sheets for the books . Books obviously rank way below the rent check . It 's hard to believe that anyone besides me takes advantage of what there is in these bookcases . I 've plucked so many from the shelves and brought them home that I now have two stacks of books that came from there . Some of the books , such as Memories of My Melancholy Whores by Gabriel Garcia Marquez , used to be mine , when I had bought books instead of getting a new library card when the City of Santa Clarita opened their own library district after they broke off from the County of Los Angeles . I despised that action because the valley was isolated enough already . That only served to isolate it even more . In those bookcases , I also found the third and fourth books of the Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan , which I was excited about since I like this series much more than the Harry Potter series , and I had finished the second book of the series in April . I still haven 't read them yet , but I 'll get to them soon , if my library books don 't get in the way again . Yet , I made time over this past weekend for one of the books from that library , namely Loser by Jerry Spinelli . I had heard of Spinelli because I had heard of Maniac Magee , but I never read it . Not until I read Loser . Now , I put it on hold on my library card and I want to read everything else he 's written . I think that 's because I 've never grown up in the traditional sense and probably never will . When I began as a substitute campus supervisor at La Mesa Junior High in Santa Clarita in 2006 , I was popular among a group of the kids there because I had been one of the AVID tutors in their science and math classes . AVID 's a program designed to push kids toward college without considering that there may be other avenues students would want to explore ( The world always needs car mechanics as long as there are cars , and that doesn 't necessarily require four years of college ) , and the teachers involved were always stringent about what should be done . We couldn 't chat too long with the students outside of the work involved , we had to help them with whatever questions they needed answered . But I was an easygoing sort and usually joked around with the kids whenever I had the opportunity , and they liked me for it . To them , I probably seemed less stodgy than their teachers . So I can read Jerry Spinelli 's novels without hesitation . And besides , these kinds of novels are written by adults with the same mindset I have , though I don 't have in mind any adolescent novels of my own to write . Or not now , anyway . I do have an idea for a short story that involves a girl going from being a little kid to a teenager and then to her twenties , an odd sort of way of looking at it , but that 's been it so far . The one major thing that Spinelli did for me with Loser is give me permission to breathe . Spinelli seems to have had as much fun writing about Donald Zinkoff as it is to read about him , and it 's especially refreshing how Donald goes through his early years , not caring what anyone thinks about him . He 's truly himself and that 's all that matters . Spinelli writes in a playfully mischievous manner that I love that has told me , through his style , to relax . Don 't get so worried about the work to come . If you like doing it , then it will turn out well . I was so relieved to hear that from another author , to understand again that while it can be hard , it doesn 't have to be hard . Now , instead of worrying about potential story problems in my novels , I just go for it the way I thought about it and deal with the problems as they might come along . My plan for returning books to the library in the clubhouse was three at a time or at least a significant handful if they 're thin paperbacks in order to restock the shelves well . All that I 've taken out could fill one shelf . To return one at a time seems like a waste of a walk , but I had to do that with Loser . I wanted someone else to find it , to be as overjoyed as I was with it . Hence the rush to get through my chores so I could get to the clubhouse before 3 . While I walked to the clubhouse , making a right turn halfway up my street , walking past one street with mobile homes on both sides , and turning into the next street , my favorite street because of how peaceful and removed it feels from the noise of the day and night ( not as much noise , but the sirens can be heard clearly at night and I 'm sure it 's slightly muffled on that street ) , I told the book that I was taking it back home , to be discovered by someone else who would hopefully be as excited about it as I had been ( I 've read many good books lately , but none that had me as psyched as this one ) . I went inside the clubhouse , and made a right to the bookcases . Initially , I was going to put it against the copy of Joy for Beginners by Erica Bauermeister that I used to own , but it wasn 't at eye level . You 'd have to bend down for it . Me , I scour entire bookcases and bookshelves . I 'll always bend down to look at every title . But some don 't . They make a quick sweep of the shelves that they can immediately see and if nothing interests them , they walk away . I wanted to make sure that this book is seen , and so I put it next to Leaving Cheyenne by Larry McMurtry , which I owned , but didn 't read , and a Babysitters Club book . Before I left , I said to it , " Make me proud . " And then , of course , after that , I scanned the shelves and came away with There 's a Boy in the Girls ' Bathroom by Louis Sachar ( It was read aloud in the Intensive Literacy Program I was an aide in during one summer school session at Sierra Vista Junior High in Santa Clarita , but I want to read it on my own ) , The Testament by John Grisham ( I want to read Grisham 's novels that came after The Runaway Jury , my favorite novel of his ) , and Knit One , Kill Two by Maggie Sefton , yet another title in the Berkley Prime Crime Mystery line . I 'm still keen on writing a mystery novel that I may stretch out into a series , so I want to see how others do it . So not only is Loser ready for another hopefully eager reader , but now it has more room to breathe . The next time I go to those bookcases , though , I hope it 's not there . I hope some intrepid young reader has taken it to read and soon be delighted at the treasures it contains . Or an adult reader . Either way , it needs to travel again , but I hope it 's as well cared for as it was here . But there was something more unusual than that , at least to this still - new Las Vegas resident , though it 's pretty much an average day in Las Vegas . After Dad and I went to Dunkin ' Donuts to get three Everything bagels ( for him , me , and Mom ) and one blueberry bagel ( for Meridith ) , we went to the Smith 's that 's in the same shopping center as the Chinese counter service restaurant we like , and Las Vegas Athletic Club , to get cream cheese , cereal ( which turned out to be Honey Nut Chex ) , and a few other things . In the bottled juice aisle , where gallons of water are at the end of the aisle facing the pharmacy , I saw a thin older guy who had the hair , the sideburns , the exact glasses , the boot - cut jeans , and the boots . With him was a woman who had the blazing red hair , the hat , the sunglasses , the white outfit . If you merely glanced , you could have sworn that Elvis Presley and Ann - Margret were shopping together . I don 't know if he was an impersonator . I didn 't ask . I only gawked . I don 't know if they were here for the National Finals Rodeo , which started on December 5 at the Thomas & Mack Center , ends on December 15 , and has engulfed the entire city , with country music acts and comedians come to perform , casinos offering all kinds of deals for cowboys and other rodeo attendees . It 's one of our biggest events of the year because of how much money it brings into the city . Being that they were getting a few groceries , I also thought that they might live here . Where else would a guy who looks like Elvis get steady work ? But imagine that : A thin Elvis and Ann - Margret living together in their later years . There 's a story somewhere in there . After a bagel lunch at home , and a long day out that included the library ( I prefer going on Sundays . It 's my temple ) , Target , Walmart , the 99 Cents Only store , and Church 's Chicken to pick up dinner , we finally got home , where I could finish The Library Card by Jerry Spinelli , who became one of my favorite authors after I finished his Loser earlier today . I want to read everything else he 's written , including Maniac Magee . About 10 minutes ago , I went to the bathroom on the far right end of the house , which belongs to me and Meridith , to put a new pack of wipes in the Huggies wipes container that ran out of Huggies wipes long ago , so we use it for the wipes we currently buy . The Library Card was stretched out like a pooped bird on the counter , since I was reading a bit more of it before I put in the new pack of wipes , and when I picked it up to put my bookmark back in , a piece of paper fell fast to the white tile floor . I picked it up , and found that The Library Card was giving its history to me . It was a square piece of paper from one of the computer systems used to check out books at the Whitney branch . You place each book on the counter surface which sends the barcode into the computer and the book title appears on the screen . When you 're done , you press " Sign Out " on the screen and a list of the items you checked out prints out . This particular square was from June 28 , 2012 ( Thursday ) at 1 : 12 p . m . , and lists this book , and " One juvenile paperback " and another " One juvenile paperback " as having been checked out , making for three books checked out . ( " One juvenile paperback , " in this case , is what appears when a book is too light on the counter surface to be read by the computer and appear as its title . ) These slips give no indication of how many books someone has checked out on their card . On my inches - long slip , it doesn 't say that I have 50 items checked out ( 49 books and one three - disc Johnny Carson DVD set ) , nor does this square slip say how many books this kid has checked out . All that 's clear is that these three books were due on July 19 . I won 't ever know what those other two juvenile paperbacks were , but I hope they were also Jerry Spinelli novels . Whether that kid went to the library only once a week or went twice a week or however many times , I hope he or she is still going there , still taking advantage of all the books that are offered , hopefully becoming a writer in the process . Whenever I see kids at the library , I always wonder who among them might become a writer and what they will offer the world in their words . I can 't wait to read them , from whoever might write them . Books here have history . I 've got to get used to that . Not even Subways are for Sleeping by Edmund G . Love , the only book I bought from the Los Angeles County library system because it had been with me for so long and I love it that much , had that kind of history , despite having been in that system for a few decades . I 'm always tickled whenever I get a book on hold from the Boulder City library because of how much history is in that building . They 're not afraid of taking care of old books over there and they 're given the best of care there . Last Sunday , I picked up The Betsy by Harold Robbins ( I want to read all his novels , after reading Sin City , which was written in the late Robbins ' style by Junius Podrug , while waiting and waiting and waiting to move here back in April ) , which came from Boulder City , and the age is there . It 's bulky , as would be expected from Robbins ; it 's a little loose , but it 's still sturdy and dependable . All these years and the book has not fallen apart . They 're not allowed to over there . They 're always useful and they will always have a home there . This library even still has its library catalog with the cards ! I 'm tempted to put this square slip back somewhere deep in the book for someone else to discover its history . Since it came from the Whitney branch , it 'll be shelved right where it came from and I don 't think the slip will drop out of it . But what happens with the next person ? Will they put the slip back in or tear it up and throw it out ? I was thinking of doing the same , but what good would that do ? It only denies this book its history . It 's 14 years old , and its pages are slightly yellowed , but aging pages do not prove the usefulness of a book . To me , its usefulness is measured by how much it has traveled , the little creases , the bent pages someone made to mark where they were , even the minor accidental stains . A book well - used is an important book . Just now , I thought I had lost that square slip of paper , forgetting that I had already placed it back inside the book for someone else to discover , to see this book 's history . I shook the pages and nothing fluttered out . I flipped through each page and found it cozily wedged in between pages 66 and 67 . I can 't put my own slip of paper in there because it 's way too long . I don 't think all the other books I checked out are important in this case anyway . But I know what I 'm going to do . I 'm going to cut out the listing on my slip for The Library Card , and place it somewhere else in the book . I want the next person to know that it has also lived on here in December . I want to place it between pages 20 and 21 , since that 's one of my favorite passages , but that 's too early in it , and there wouldn 't be enough weight on it from other pages . Wedging it in between pages 112 and 113 would be best , since it 's when Sonseray , the homeless boy , walks into a library for the first time . To me , books are sacred , and so are their journeys . When I send this one back out , it 'll be loaded with its history . It has lived , future reader . And from that , it has strength enough to live for you . By reading it , you 'll replenish its strength to be ready for the next reader , and so on . That 's the kind of " chain " anything I can get behind . Saturday was Dad 's birthday . We spent most of it on the California / Nevada state line , in Primm , on the Nevada side , at the Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas . This is where you find your outlet stores , arranged in the round . Start at one entrance / exit and you 'll end at that same point . Getting back to where you started from becomes the furthest thing from your mind once you see what 's offered . We were there because we couldn 't be there on the day we moved to Las Vegas on that Friday in September , being that we had Tigger and Kitty , and our two finches in the car with us , and we were late to our new home . We had hoped to get there before the manager of the mobile home park left for the weekend , so Meridith and I could finally meet her . We were getting close to the time that she 'd be leaving , 3 p . m . every day even though she lives on the same property , but why stay longer than you have to ? So we bypassed it . We didn 't get to the Williams - Sonoma Marketplace . I didn 't get to see the car that Bonnie and Clyde were killed in , countless bullet holes delivered by angry law enforcement . At that time , I had thought that it had been placed between one section of the mall and the indoor entrance to the Primm Valley Resort and Casino . Having written that , I now think back to when we were last at Whiskey Pete 's in 2010 , and didn 't I see the car then ? Hadn 't we walked around enough that I spotted it somewhere in that casino ? Or has it always been moved between properties , depending on how many visitors each casino and the Fashion Outlets get ? I don 't know . Looking through the photos in the Whiskey Pete 's listing on yelp . com , I find that someone took a photo of the Bonnie and Clyde car , which is dated August 21 . So had we stopped at Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas that day , I still wouldn 't have seen the car , which was one of the reasons I wanted to stop there . At the start of this visit , which makes up incredibly for having to drive past on the first day , I still think I 'll see the car . But first , we stop at the Nevada Welcome Center , where I have a long conversation with a native Nevadan about the UNLV Rebels , about Jeremy Renner 's character in The Bourne Legacy hailing from Reno , about his experiences all his life in Nevada , about his travels throughout , a conversation that lasts long enough for Mom , Dad and Meridith to head into the outlets , leaving me behind to chat some more . When the opportunity 's there , I take it . My fascination with Nevada never ends . I walk into the outlets after reaffirming my hope to the Nevadan that the Rebels at least grab onto the Sweet 16 this season , if not make it all the way to the top . I hang a right , and find Mom and Dad walking from Williams - Sonoma Marketplace to Viva Vegas , the souvenir store with everything Las Vegas . Mugs , t - shirts , cigarette lighters , shot glasses , magnets , everything but bookmarks . I still can 't find Las Vegas bookmarks . Yes , I know Las Vegas isn 't thought of as a literary or even literate city , but we do have libraries , and they haven 't let me down yet . I don 't expect them to . Plus , we have the Vegas Valley Book Festival every year . However , Viva Vegas isn 't geared to residents . I know . It 's for the tourists either driving into , or out of , the state . Even so , some tourists read , too . My search for bookmarks continues . After still not finding bookmarks at Viva Vegas , I decide to go where Mom and Dad have left Meridith : Inside Williams - Sonoma Marketplace . I want to see what kind of mustard they have , mustard that has to be better than the whole - grain French mustard I picked up on our way back to Southern California back in January . I first find smoky chipotle mustard in " collectible European glassware , " as it 's touted , and it 's $ 8 . 95 , though 30 percent off . Honey pops into my head . I must find honey . I hate walking through the aisle in the supermarket and finding the same kinds of honey I always see , with the same high prices . I know honey costs a lot to make , but the brands aren 't all that interesting in Smith 's . Here , I find Florida orange blossom honey , manufactured by the Savannah Bee Company in Savannah , Georgia . It 's Florida , so I have to get . Never mind that it 's $ 11 and change . When am I ever going to find this in Smith 's ? I 'm happy in my city . I 've so much still to explore , still to read about , still to experience . But those instances of deep satisfaction , when you 're absolutely certain of what makes you endlessly happy and you vow to pursue it , don 't happen every day . It 's not that satisfaction doesn 't happen here ; it 's just that awesome , lasting feeling of knowing what you want and going for it that takes time to find . I want to keep reading , as I always do , I want to write more books , but I need something else , and I think that comes either in career or community involvement . I 'm not sure which , yet . It 's going to take some time to find . The overall picture of one 's life is , of course , a challenge . Naturally , it 's the little things that emerge more quickly . And I found that after we had rounded the corner near Williams - Sonoma Marketplace , walked a little bit longer , and came upon the food court , which I had previously only seen in photos on yelp . com . When we came here as tourists , we thought the side of the mall with Williams - Sonoma and Viva Vegas was all there is . We hadn 't realized that there was another side to the mall . And inside this food court was an arcade , which had driving games , and a hoops game , shooting baskets in 60 or 90 seconds ( whatever it was , since I didn 't look ) , and comparably higher - tech claw machines . There was nothing there for me , until , as Meridith and Mom were walking to the restroom , they spotted a Galaga arcade machine , actually one of those Ms . Pac - Man / Galaga hybrids , but to me , only Galaga matters . In late October , at The Orleans , I got tickets for Meridith and I to see John Pinette , one of our favorite stand - up comedians . And in our family tour of The Orleans after I bought the tickets , we went upstairs to the movie theater and found a considerably larger arcade than what Sam 's Town offers . Nothing else there mattered once I discovered the Galaga machine , and Mom and Dad and Meridith gamely hung around for a little bit while I played . I don 't even remember what my score was , but I do know that I played badly . Every time I 've played , in Nevada , in Southern California , I never could get past Stage 10 . As the stages build , the alien bugs get bolder , firing their bombs as they spin upward to join the formation . I always fire at them as they join that formation because I want to destroy them quickly so it 's less work when the formation is complete . I don 't know whether they won 't fire their bombs if I hold my fire while they 're getting in formation . But I do know they go at it faster with each subsequent stage , and my bad habit of wedging myself in one of the corners on the left or right side of the screen when the bugs break from the formation and fly downward , their bombs drifting toward me , but not hitting me , becomes more dominant . When I play Galaga , you can hear me . I furiously bang on that fire button and I jam the joystick to the left or the right to avoid those bombs . I duck and I weave and I jump , as if I was playing Dance Dance Revolution instead of Galaga , like the bugs are firing at me and not my starfighter . I love this game because it invites my imagination to tag along . I wonder why my starfighter is so intent on eliminating these alien bugs , and I make up little stories about who these aliens are and who pissed who off enough to start this war . I remember the movie The Last Starfighter and I fondly think about Robert Preston , that consummate showman actor whose Centauri was his final role in that movie , and who made Harold Hill in The Music Man and Carole Todd in Victor / Victoria so memorable . This time , however , I 'm not thinking about Robert Preston nor the origins of those bugs . I want to finally get past Stage 10 . I have four quarters , which means two quarters for one game , and two more to continue that game after my lives run out . I put in all four and start , and by the time the bugs are usually in formation in Stage 1 , I have only one more bug to eliminate . That 's the fastest Stage 1 I 've ever played . The game goes on , and I duck , and I weave , and I jump , and I bang on that fire button , and I jam that joystick to the left and to the right , instinctively avoiding those bombs , even as they become more numerous . Instinctively . That 's never happened before . I remember how I 've played past games , but before this game in this arcade in the food court at the Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas , it 's never been as laser - etched in my memory of how to play as it is now . My strategy suddenly clicks . I 'm still in the bad habit of wedging myself , but I 've never avoided those bombs so successfully before . Experience , yes , but I never expected it to click like this . And I feel it in my head , too , that it 's there now , it 's part of me now , and I can use it and improve my game even more . When it 's all over , when I 've used the other two quarters and finally lose against the alien bugs , I find that I 've reached Stage 17 ! 107 , 650 points ! I 've never gone that high before ! It 's far below the lowest score on this machine , at 240 - something thousand , but it 's good enough for me . I take what turns out to be a break to have a banana slushie that Mom and Meridith got for me from Tea Zone , which makes the best slushies , the best Thai tea in Southern Nevada . Unfortunately , this is the only location . The proprietor tells us that he did have other locations a few years ago , but he closed them all and remained with this one because it 's so far out of the way of Las Vegas , despite being only 20 minutes away . He couldn 't make it against the competition that Chinatown poses in this market . The next time we go to the Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas , which is guaranteed , we 're going back to him . He told Mom that she should look for the sealing machine they have for the cups in order to determine whether an establishment has the slushies or teas , but as Mom said to us at the table , she 's had so many different Thai teas already and they 're nothing like what she had from this guy . Nobody can make it like he can . The quarters that Mom gets in change from the slushies and the teas ( I don 't remember what Dad had ) go to me , four of them for another game of Galaga . Same excitement , same movements in the second game . This time , it ends for me at Stage 16 , with 101 , 050 points . More Galaga games will come in which I don 't make it past Stage 10 again . I expect that . But now I know that I can get past Stage 10 . I know how . I know what I have to do . I can 't play ABBA : You Can Dance , because I don 't . I don 't feel it like Meridith does . But I have tried the bicycling in Wii Sports Resort and the bowling in Wii Sports , and I like it , especially the 100 - pin bowling , in which the number of pins builds in each single frame . There are no spares to try to get . You just knock down as many pins as you can . I thought that I wouldn 't spend as many hours playing the Wii as Meridith would . What reason would I have ? I have books to read , my books to write , and sometimes a movie , such as it is with our recent library visit , in which I checked out Albert Nobbs , since it was directed by Rodrigo Garcia , one of my favorite filmmakers , and Star Trek : The Motion Picture - The Director 's Edition . I want to finally have watched more than just Star Trek : Generations , and I want to do it chronologically . Why would I need the Wii ? But it turns out I do need the Wii , for the best reason I can think of . In fact , I thought of it while I was playing Galaga in that small arcade : I should see if there 's any Namco Wii titles with Galaga in them . I 've tried Galaga on Nintendo DS , and it 's not the same . I need a joystick , or at least something that resembles a joystick . And I 've found it in Namco Museum Megamix , which has an odd variation on Galaga , having to protect Pac - Man rolling down various slides from the same kind of alien bugs in the original game , flitting all about these slides . However , the original arcade version is included in this ! Plus , there 's a Wii Nunchuck that came with the system that I can use . It has a miniscule joystick that I have to be very careful with , since this obviously isn 't an arcade joystick , but now I can strategize at home ! I can break my habit of wedging myself in the corner of the screen whenever those bombs get near me . When I played Galaga in that arcade , I discovered that in stages such as 13 , 14 , and so on , those bombs go right to where I am instead of simply next to me . I was blown up three times by them in those two games . So I 'll be spending more time than I ever expected to on the Wii because when I go back to that Galaga arcade machine , most likely at the Pinball Hall of Fame next , if it 's still there , I want to be ready and able to dodge those bombs better than I do now . I want to destroy those bugs as they climb into formation and have lots more stages like Stage 1 in my first game in which there was only one bug left in the full formation . However , in one of the challenge stages in between stages , after Stage 10 , I discovered a new bug that , when in a group , separates in a circle when you fire at it . I 've got so much more to learn . After that experience at that arcade at the Fashion Outlets of Las Vegas , I can say without any doubt that besides reading , Galaga makes me endlessly happy . That 's two . I know there 's more and I 'll either discover them or rediscover them in time . Recently , deciding to branch out from The Memory of Running , one of my favorite novels that features two of my favorite characters in American literature ( the overweight Smithy Ide and the wheelchair - bound Norma ) , I set out to read Ron McLarty 's three subsequent novels : Traveler , Art in America , and The Dropper . I finished Traveler yesterday , and to my list of heroes , I add Randall Pound , whose description can only come from McLarty himself . I transcribed every scene featuring Pound so I 'll always have it long after I return Traveler to the Whitney Library . All of it follows below . Renee , Jono 's girlfriend , is a New York City firefighter , to give context to the bit from page 48 : Pg . 25 - 27 - " I pulled some beers , mixed a Tom Collins , and blended a frozen margarita . Getting the orders over the reverberation of the front room requires a great deal of concentration . I 've become a passable lip - reader . I pulled two more McSorley 's , and the sandwich was here . I squirted a glassful of club soda and took it to the end of the bar , where Randall Pound spilled over his usual stool . Randall put a dog - eared paperback down on the bar and sipped an espresso . It 's amazing to see the tiny cup on the edge of his fingers . Randall Pound is a shade over seven feet tall and proudly keeps his weight at 390 . His neck is surprisingly long for a man of his great size . A contemplative , almost aesthetic Slavic face sits on top of it , with huge green eyes , long proportional nose , and thick shiny black hair combed tight into a short ponytail . At thirty he carres an agelessness about him . Seven years ago Lambs entered into a frustrating period where bar fights and loud , aggressive customers were becoming a nightly occurrence . After I tried to break up one fight , both the combatants turned on me . The next day , nose flattened , both eyes black , and reeling from a mild concussion , I ran an ad for a bouncer in the Village Voice . A lot of impressive men turned up ( and one woman with a black belt in karate ) . But it was the quiet , dapper Randall Pound who won the job . The interview went like this : He always wears a tailored sharkskin suit . He owns seven of them . All metallic blue . He sits on the corner stool like he has every evening , without fail , for the last seven years . At the first sign of a problem , a waitress or a bartender will whisper to the offender and point down to Randall , who will slowly wave and smile . He was right . No one gets out of line . No one fights . " Theater , the printed word , language in the general sense has entered into a decline , " he said quietly . " I attended a seminar at Columbia just last week where Bill Gates 's futurist talked about the inevitability of fine and performing arts being marginalized . " He held up the paperback . It was a copy of Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis . " Tell that to Lewis . Tell it to Hem or Billy Faulkner , " he said . " Our Mr . Wrenn is the last of Sinclair 's canon , " he said . " It was his first book . It 's going to be the last one I read to complete it . After Babbitt , that is . " " Look , it 's reasonable to feel uneasy . You have chosen a dangerous profession . Peter Brook rather darkly ruminates about the deadly theater in The Empty Space . " I held up my hand while I finished a bite . " Randall , I like it . It pisses me off a lot , but mostly I like it . Actually , there 's something else on my mind . " Pg . 48 - " A half hour later , I hugged Robert and Jeff , and then Renée and I strolled over to Astor Place and took the Lex uptown to Lambs . I got two coffees , and we went to an alcove behind Randall Pound . He swiveled in his chair , and Renée got tippy - toed to kiss him . Pg . 224 - " We crossed the street and headed down to the Biltmore Bar , where there was a phone next to the men 's room . I punched in my calling card and my 917 service code . I had two messages . The first one was Randall Pound 's soft voice . " Hey , Jono . I finally finished all of the Sinclair Lewis canon . Just now closed Our Mr . Wrenn and wanted to tell somebody . I 'm on to Fitzgerald now . Making progress . Say hey to Renée . I 'm on my stool and we miss you at Lambs . " Randall Pound nodded behind the steering wheel . " You were here , Jono . Things are things . They 're not important . Remember what Mrs . Joad said when the preacher asked her why they had brought everything they owned to California ? " We took Eighty - sixth Street over to the West Side . The apartment was in a brownstone on West Eighty - seventh between Columbus and Central Park . It had taken the two of us all day long and ten trips , the van bulging , to get Renée 's things up from Chelsea and a half hour for mine . I handed Randall a Coke . It became miniature in his enormous hands . I took one , and we drank in silence , our eyes swinging around the sunny room . " No , really , Jono . Any way you look at it , it 's something new . It 's an adventure . Sandburg , in a lot of his work , points out the essential insignificance of people . In the long term , I mean . These are the kinds of things that put the lie to that . You and Renée moving in , I mean . " The basketball game just ended on the radio . 85 - 57 . The Rebels won soundly . My neighbor , Michael , two houses down , with the rough but not nearly calloused hands of the woodworker that he is ( always a handshake either when we meet up or when I 've got to bring one of the dogs back to the house ) , is either getting ready to go to work or is already at the Thomas & Mack Center , but not necessarily for the game . Maybe he was there that early , deep in the background , not at courtside , not in any of the seats . He , the South Carolina native , is a member of the crew that cleans the arena after everyone has left . He 's one of many who tosses discarded food into the trash , who sweeps the detritus , the wrappers , the soda cups , whatever 's around that people have either brought with them or bought at the stadium , but leave behind . Yesterday , while Tigger was with me on his leash , I talked with Michael for a while , about the city , about where he came from before Las Vegas ( Playa del Rey in Southern California , and he told me that he misses the beach , being right there , being able to walk to the shore like you 'd walk to your mailbox . In our first conversation , he talked about how he misses South Carolina and even though he 's been in Las Vegas for only nine months , he wants to go back . But to South Carolina or Playa del Rey , I 'm not sure . Something tells me he 'll be here for a few months longer at least , because the work is steady , and we all need that in this hoped - for economic recovery ) , about the hack job the maintenance guys did on the bushes ( He trimmed the bushes around his property himself , and he did a far better job than those guys did ) , about his motorcycle which he won 't be able to ride in the cold of winter , and , of course , about the Rebels , lamenting the post - Thanksgiving game in which they lost against Oregon , but becoming hopeful again after their win over Iowa State . We both agreed that the team can 't keep shooting three - pointers arbitrarily . They need to have a far - reaching plan for the game , adjustable as the minutes tick off , but only when they 're sure they can make the shot , then they should take it . We talk every couple of days , usually sooner after a Rebels game , and that seems to be enough . With him on the graveyard shift , we don 't cross paths every day . But it 's more than I ever had when I existed in Southern California . I 'm not sure what he 'll be driving tonight . It was pleasantly warm today , but he 'll probably keep both motorcycles at the end of his driveway , under that awning , since neither come with heat , like a car would . So it 'll be whichever car is his , the one that isn 't his wife 's . But he may be there already , waiting for the crowds to clear out . Either way , he 's faced less traffic than he would have much earlier . Or maybe he is there already . Why battle with the traffic coming out of Thomas & Mack after the game ? He told me that when he did get to Thomas & Mack after the season opener against Northern Arizona two weeks ago , people were still trickling out because that game had drawn the biggest crowd in UNLV Men 's Basketball history . On the day of the game , there were only 500 seats still available in an arena of 18 , 776 seats . I haven 't been inside the Thomas & Mack Center yet , but I love walking through empty spaces , and I 'm looking forward to seeing the cell phone photo Michael 's going to take of the inside of the arena after everyone 's left , before the cleanup begins . I 'm curious about exactly how much of a mess is made , if it 's bigger on more crowded nights than sparsely - crowded ones , and if this matches the season opener , which was apparently very messy . Every day here at home , whether in Las Vegas or Henderson , or hopefully Boulder City one of these days to walk around again , I look for little pieces of life . Sometimes I like absorbing an epic arc by what I 'm reading or if I briefly meet a particularly charismatic person , but most of the time , I like the little things . I don 't need much to be satisfied . During Black Friday , Meridith found out that Toys R Us was selling " ABBA : You Can Dance " for Wii . She 's wanted it for a long time , even though she doesn 't have a Wii , but that 's coming soon , possibly from Best Buy , which advertises a black Wii with " Wii Sports " included , for $ 119 . Normally , " ABBA : You Can Dance " is $ 39 . 99 , so she had to grab this . Since she doesn 't transfer money into her checking account all that often , and I wasn 't sure how long this sale would last , I decided to order it . It wasn 't for a surprise since she already knew about it . Besides , I eventually want to see what it 's like , too . A woman was in front of me when we walked in , trying to figure out with a Toys R Us employee behind the counter how she was going to get the huge box of something she bought to her car . The employee had a hand truck with her , which tells you the challenge that was looming . Plus , the employee obviously wouldn 't be there with the hand truck in tow once the woman got home . But that wasn 't the piece of life I found interesting . When I got to the counter and was waiting for someone to take my printed e - mail and check my ID , a man was next to me with four boxes of the board game Stratego , which I 've only ever heard of . I 've never played it and probably never will . When I was a kid , Guess Who , Life , and Connect Four were pretty much it . Every other game we had was either on the Nintendo or the Game Boy . He put the boxes on the counter and explained that he had bought the game for his Boy Scout troop , but it wasn 't the original Stratego . The employee helping him said it looked like the original since it said " The Classic Board Game " on the box , but he explained that it didn 't have the same number of pieces that the original had . It had more . And then he went on to explain some intricacies of the new game versus what the original had , evidenced by one of the boxes that he had opened previously to check out the game , and I didn 't catch any of that . The employee helping me said that it would be 15 minutes before I could pick up the ABBA game , and so Meridith and I walked to the video game section so she could see if there were any more copies of the ABBA game , and there were none , which is lucky , since we apparently got the last copy , at least for now at that location . Then she asked the guy at the video game counter if they had any more Wiis , and they didn 't . Back at the Guest Services counter , which is nearly pressed against the entrance doors , the employee had a large , clear plastic bag containing the game , and first thought it belonged to the woman who had left with the huge box , but finally she turned around , saw us there , and knew that it belonged to us . I didn 't mind that she might have momentarily forgotten , as long as it was there and as long as Meridith now has it . Before we left , the Stratego guy was standing behind another customer who was also at the counter , holding four tin boxes of the 50th Anniversary edition of Stratego . That must have been the one he was looking for , and now he could exchange the not - original - Strategos for those ones . Now those Boy Scouts can know what real Stratego is . A few minutes after 12 : 30 this morning , I walked Kitty and then I walked Tigger . I walked them to the bush across from the porch of the house of the neighbor who I talk Rebels basketball with , and then to the pebbles - and - dirt patch under the streetlight near the back door of a house diagonal from that neighbor 's house . Then to a small stretch of bushes with light violet flowers on a few of them , facing the guest parking spaces . Then onto the dirt in that island with the stop sign planted at the head of it , facing drivers who approach that turn in the early morning . I like those flowers . And I also like the reddish flowers that are on the bush in front of the house belonging to the Lundy family ( indicated by the sign on the outside wall nearest to their screened - in porch ) . And I know that winter 's coming and therefore changes must be made . When I went to walk the dogs again a little after noon , I saw that the leaves on some of the trees seemed to have turned red overnight , winter charging in rapidly , though not as fast in the air since it 's cooler , but not as bitterly cold as it was two weeks ago . The stop - my - walk - completely shock came when I looked over to those bushes at the guest parking spaces as I walked Kitty to that same bush across from my Rebels neighbor 's porch . The flowers were not only gone , but so was the dignity of those bushes . There had been no trimming , no clipping , no topiary care of any sort . Nothing to ease the transition of these bushes into winter . Yes , I can understand that there would be no leaves on them , that they would be bare , that the small petals of those flowers would have gradually fallen onto to the dirt , but it looked like branches of those bushes had crashed violently into one another , the top ones slamming through the rest , a confused jumble of sticks that looked like a Jenga game played by hyper toddlers . This is a fairly nice neighborhood . A few residents are decorating for Christmas , and the one two houses down that decorated elaborately for Halloween , with spider webs draped over their front - door walkway and all throughout the tree in front of their two windows , is doing the same for Christmas . The streets here are kept clean , no streetsweepers coming through , but there isn 't that much debris anyway . There is such peace at night , nothing that makes you uncertain of whether you belong . I can see the Stratosphere from where I stand at the end of our driveway , and at night , I can see the lights flashing in different colors , and the red beacon at the top blinking on and off to let aircraft know that it 's there . I like that . I like that I can also see the colors undulating on the Eastside Cannery building from a certain spot near my neighbor 's house , which is next to the empty patch of land right next to us . It 's us , that space , and then the neighbor 's house . I also like seeing just a tiny bit of the Boulder Station sign from far off , and of course my solid red beacon on top of Sunrise Mountain , which I look for every night . Flowers can 't survive in winter , at least not here . I know that . But I 'm still disturbed by that hack and slash job done on the bushes . I 've been trying to see the beauty in it , some order to it , but I can 't . It 's like someone placed a tiny bomb inside it and blew it outward from the inside . What bush here deserves that ? Being Las Vegas , we don 't have the market cornered on greenery , but what we do have , I always appreciate . I hope they come by later on or some time before winter 's over to fix it up , to make it right again . When I walked Tigger , I went to the huge , long dumpster that 's next to my Rebels neighbor 's house , and is also next to the side entrance to the senior mobile home park , both of which are run by the same management . I saw the branches in there with leaves still on them , the branches with flowers also carelessly dumped in there . It 's not right . You trim , you take off what the forthcoming winter doesn 't need . You give it a little lift for the holidays , making sure that when the weather gets warm again , it can continue where it left off . Not like this . Not as awful as this . In a modest room off the entrance of the James I . Gibson Library , four middle - sized long tables made a square that suggested more of a less intimate AA meeting than speed dating . On a table near some empty book racks were a few bottles of water and a few books selected by the librarian in charge of the program to show off . And there was the librarian , 23 years old , one of many librarians here surely , but the one who spearheaded this program in hopes of bringing some of the community together , having done this once before . 23 years old . It made me wonder what the hell I did with my 20s , for a few seconds until I remembered that I wrote my first book and saw it published . She did remind me by just a recap of her life in Henderson ( since she was 2 years old ) , that I need to haul ass on the rest of my writing projects , make them happen . " We " was Meridith and I , Meridith having gone with me out of curiosity and bringing the Bobby Flay Mesa Cookbook to tell people about her favorite chef , if there were people who would come to this . There wasn 't . There was only me , Meridith , and the librarian , whose name , incidentally , I forgot to ask . The librarian told us that she put on this event once before , but the few people who came all knew each other , and it works better if people come who don 't know each other . That would have been true if there had been more people there than just us three . And I know the librarian would have made sure that Meridith and I obviously don 't get paired up to chat . When I wrote on Facebook about no one showing up to this , I got one comment that was incredulous that I was looking for love in Las Vegas . Well , no , it wasn 't that at all . I wanted to see if there were other bibliophiles in Southern Nevada who are as devoted as I am . I wanted to see who else called the local libraries home or a temple or a place of worship like I do . I wanted to get to know others who are just as content as I am sometimes reading two or three books in a day . Logic would dictate that I shouldn 't have expected it in a state with a total population of 2 . 7 million , the majority living in Clark County . But then , I should , since the majority is here . And I know Las Vegas is a transient city and all that , even though this was in Henderson , but I do get a sense that those who live in Henderson are here for a long , long time . So I would have also hoped to meet those who call this city home . I liked the aim of the program . I still believe in it . In fact , the librarian said that the next time she puts on this program , she 'll call us ahead of time to let us know if anyone else has signed up . I 'll be there again because this one librarian is trying to gather members of the community , to make the community stronger . I believe in it . I believe Henderson needs that more than ever , to fashion a stronger community , and this is one way to do it . I 'm not disappointed . I have my books . I have my ideas for future projects . I 'm not going to start haunting Barnes & Noble in the hopes of finding another voracious reader . Mom says that I may find that person when I least expect it . Well , I don 't expect it . If the chance comes along , it might be nice , but if not , I 've got this enormous region to get to know intimately by visits to all kinds of places I still haven 't been to and places I want to go back to ( I desperately want to walk around Boulder City again , visit the library there , which I love because of its respect for old books , and to walk around the UNLV campus ) , and to study by way of the books that have striven to define it , both historically and by personal feelings . And all the stories around me every day , all the interesting people to see ! What better city to spark creativity ? One night last weekend , I saw a Virgin Atlantic 747 sitting on a taxiway , waiting to be cleared to taxi to the runway and to takeoff . I saw Air Force One in the daylight , sitting at a far end of McCarran , back when Obama was preparing for his first debate in Henderson , and I 'd seen a Virgin Atlantic 747 fly over me to land at McCarran , but I 'd never heard one with its engines idling . I love that sound . One day this past week , after we picked up the Michael Buble CD and the $ 25 gift certificate to the Ravella spa in Lake Las Vegas that Mom had won on KSNE , and after we went to two Barnes & Noble to find the connect - the - dots daily calendar Mom wanted for the new year , we went to dinner at The Hush Puppy , which has the weirdest rules , such as if you order one of their all - you - can - eat specials , you can 't take home what you don 't finish . I didn 't get it either . So I have all this . And I 'm going to the library later today to pick up 15 books on hold , including The Casual Vacancy by J . K . Rowling ( I like to wait for hype to pass ) , and Sanctuary , the seventh novel in the Decker / Lazarus series by Faye Kellerman ( I 've read the previous six ) . There 's so much to do that if that person happens to come along , and I 'm taken enough by her , I 'll ask her to come along with me . Ideally , I 'd like her to be of this area , of Henderson or Las Vegas and to have lived here for enough years that she knows so much that I don 't , even with how much I know so far . But if she doesn 't , well , I 'm ok with that . I 'm not searching , I 'm not going to search , and there 's so much to do as it is ! It 's a good life here , a worthwhile life , far more than I 've ever had before and more depth than ever . What ? Me ? Speed dating ? Hola . Mi nombre es Rory Aronsky . Let me back up to 3 a . m . Tuesday morning . I went to bed in the bed that I know is my bed , with all those books on the floor from the library and those which are my permanent collection . I know all those books . I woke up in the bed that I know is my bed , in the room that I know is my room , pulling clothes that I know are my clothes from the closet that I know is my closet . Everything seems the same . When did speed dating decide to stroll on in ? After I shrug off the shock that feels like five minutes more than the two seconds it took to do so , Mom tells me that she found it in the View section , which is expressly written and printed for all the different areas of Las Vegas . We live in the Sunrise / Whitney area , so we get that section every Tuesday inside our regular Las Vegas Review - Journal . She tells me to pick up that section of the paper , which is already on top of the rest of the paper , folded out to show the " Arts & Leisure " page , the bottom of which has the " Book Briefs " section . And here is the blurb that I read : Find love among the shelves at the Date My Book event scheduled from 4 : 30 to 6 p . m . Friday at the Gibson Library , 100 W . Lake Mead Parkway . Singles are invited to bring a favorite book and chat with other readers in five - minute sessions . For more information , visit mypubliclibrary . com or call 702 - 565 - 8402 . " I wasn 't sure how to react . I 'm still not sure how to react . As Mom put it , " It 's better than a bar or any other place like that , " and that 's true . It 's in a library , my place of worship , and I 'd like to meet other bibliophiles like me . Mom wasn 't pushy about it , not hinting that I should find a date , just that I could talk books with people for a while . She doesn 't read a great deal , not finding a comfortable spot to do it in yet , Dad picks one or two books a week from the new books section of the Whitney Library , and Meridith reads steadily , but not to the extent I do . Three , four , five books a week , maybe more ? I 've done it countless times . I 'm still writing , I still want to write the books and novels that are always swirling about in my head , but there are just some weeks that I want to chuck all those plans and just read . Perhaps this event would be good for me . I follow Mom 's viewpoint about this , and I stick to this about the other possibility : If it happens , then I 'll work from there . If not , that 's fine . I don 't discount the possibility , but I 'm not actively searching for a relationship . I 've got an enormous city and region , and eventually state , and other states , to explore , I 've got books I want to read , and books I want to write , and that 's enough for me . Right now , my library card is at its limit . 50 items . All books . My holds are at the limit of 25 . I hope to meet those who do the same as me , who keep the library system running . At the Whitney Library , every Saturday or Sunday , or sometimes Monday , I walk past the other shelves full of holds to get to mine , and I look for the first four letters of those last names that appear as often as mine do , wondering about that person , how many books they read in a week , what their interests are that keep them coming to the library . This may be my chance to know more about them , no matter that this is under the jurisdiction of the Henderson Libraries system and not the Las Vegas - Clark County Library system . In fact , reading the blurb , I thought I could return the then - three , now - five books that I 'm done with , before realizing that I 'll have to wait until Saturday or Sunday to do that because neither the Gibson Library , nor any other Henderson branch for that matter , will accept my books because Henderson and Las Vegas are separate systems . They say to bring a favorite book . I know exactly what I 'm bringing : The Memory of Running by Ron McLarty and The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro . These two novels are always locked in a Battle Royale to become my favorite novel . I 've read each one nearly ten times , with more re - readings to come . I 'm sure I can talk about a lot in five minutes , so I want to include that . Other topics I have in mind are my love of presidential history , my lifetime goal to read all the Star Trek novels ever published ( not as a Trekkie , but as a science fiction wanderer ) , my other favorite books ( Naturally , I don 't have just one , and a favorite novel , if that battle is ever won by either of those two novels , would not be my overall favorite book , since I 'll never have one ) , those times I just have to pre - order or order a book from Amazon because I don 't want to wait for the library to hopefully get it in , and whatever else might pop up . My side of the conversation will not be pre - planned . I will not have an outline in my head . I know exactly what I 'm wearing : Jeans , both pairs of which I 'll put in the laundry today to determine whether I want to wear the lighter - colored jeans ( they 're not that bright blue , and I could never see myself wearing that kind of brightness ) or the darker - colored , and this shirt , called Lose Yourself . After I agreed to this speed dating excursion , I determined which of my four book - related t - shirts would be most appropriate , not only for this event , but also because I 'll be wearing it to see Christopher Cross at 8 p . m . that night at Sunset Station . No going home to change . " Lose Yourself " would be best because it 's more detailed than my other shirts ( save for the rainbow in this shirt ) and is suitably low - key for the other outings of the evening , which also includes Fazoli 's for dinner ( across from Sunset Station ) , and then the 10 p . m . Spazmatics show also at Sunset Station , inside Club Madrid , where Christopher Cross will just have finished performing before they come on . I still feel a bit weird about this , not in a resorting - to - meeting - people - like - this way , but because I have my city , I have my state , I have my books , I have my favorite movies , so what else do I need ? But you know what ? For nine years in Santa Clarita , there was really nothing to do . To even do one interesting thing in a day , you had to leave the valley , but because of the enormous stretch of freeways to get to Ventura or Burbank or Anaheim , you had to make a day of it . Now that I 'm living in Nevada , in Las Vegas , I want to do many different things ! I want to experience all there is to experience ! I want to see if there are any female bibliophiles who are as passionate about books as I am . Always an open mind . That 's how I 've lived for two months here , and it 's going to stay that way . So I 'm going to enjoy myself and let go . No expectations . Just the joy of talking books with those who hopefully flood the holds shelves like I do , who come to the library with big canvas bags to stock up for the week . They 're my kind of people , and I should meet them ! And so I will .

My father was completely disassociated … from everything not just me . When he got home from the office he sat and played solitaire , never speaking or interacting with the family . Occasionally he would erupt in a rage and beat my older brother , never me and the outbursts were rare but the risk was always there just below the surface . He actually just sat silent in his chair 95 % of the time for 15 years . Perhaps there were reasons for his state but that 's another story . This one is about me . I was an accomplished athlete , playing many sports in which I excelled . Each year at the awards banquet I had to mount the stage to receive my awards , best hitter , best offensive lineman , best defensive lineman , outstanding player etc with no one in the audience . I sat with my coaches for the dinner and was ashamed that my family did not attend . None of my family , not my father , mother , brother or sister ever attended any of my games . Was I not good enough ? My fellow players were cheered on by their family . But I was only recognized by my teammates and coaches . At age 10 I began martial arts training ( on my own initiative and along with my other sporting endeavors ) . Over the years I became a very proficient competitor , winning in local , regional and national competitions . Eventually becoming a pro and making it onto ABC TV 's Wide World of sports . Once again my parents never recognized any of my achievements . My neighbors saw me on the tube but I have no idea if my father ever saw me in action . What can I say about it ? I learned to act in my own self interests , setting my own agenda and judging the results of my actions without input from others . Yes I became isolated and perhaps I was still seeking approval through my continued involvement in high level combat sport . Maybe my need to compete and excel is the result of my parent 's lack of involvement but what ever the cause I have chosen to seek excellence and become my own person . I 'm a " big boy " and have had my share of banal , pointless or vindictive comments on my stories . So what ? Its no big deal and most of us have had similar experiences when we post . We usually just blow them off with a shrug . It is true that he made inaccurate assumptions , charged me with misrepresentation and gave me impossible advice ( both of my parents are long dead and buried ) but so what ? He was not grossly offensive nor did he score a telling blow to my sense of honor . So why did I bother to respond at all ? I 've been in the process of trying to address an age old and important question . " Who am I , really ? " Am I just the sum of my experiences or is the state of my consciousness as I experience life the primary factor ? This question calls for close examination of my entire life and it appears I 've brought unresolved feelings and memories to the surface . My unworthiness now seems to be bubbling just below my daily stream of consciousness and unfortunately I 'm not advanced enough to meet a direct assault on my worth as a human with equanimity . So … . once again EP has served its purpose . I am being forced to deal with my delusions and release my attempts to grasp at a ( long held ) false persona as the " alpha dog " to protect myself from the wounds of long ago . I know that I 'll never " get over it " because the wounds have long since scared over and that inflexible tissue will be a life long part of my psyche . BTW : I was never a national champ and was mediocre as a pro . This story was not intended to garner me any ego strokes . I cited my atheletics to raise the issue of parental support . I I believe I have done other things that outweigh any achievements I managed in athletics . I had many difficult conversations with my dad - conversations that were always in my head . Intil I spoke them he and I could not have any real relationship . Once I spoke them we fought and it was hard , but we both grew - and now we are best friends - something that the rest of the family cannot believe and something I never thought could happen . < br / >< br / > Give him a chance to change by speaking your truth - and give yourself room for a new conversation in your head . It can be life changing for you both - and what do you really have to lose ? < br / >< br / > On who I am - that is connected . . . I believe I am many things - son , brother , cousin , friend , loner , socialite , professional , loser , winner , but most importantly one with all . genuinely and inseparable . . . < br / >< br / > Through experiments over the past few decades physicists have discovered matter to be completely mutable into other particles or energy and vice - versa and on a subatomic level , matter does not exist with certainty in definite places , but rather shows ' tendencies ' to exist . Quantum physics is beginning to realise that the Universe appears to be a dynamic web of interconnected and inseparable energy patterns . If the universe is indeed composed of such a web , there is logically no such thing as a part . This implies we are not separated parts of a whole but rather we are the Whole . American physicist , Barbara Brennan < br / >< br / > and consciousness underlies all reality , has striking parallels with the ancient Esoteric concept that all reality is the manifestation of an infinite Singularity - call it what you may , many call it God . well , my dad is kind of same too . he never really talk , he just sits there in kitchen watching tv , he is like a stranger to us , but it 's when he is in a good mood , if he is not then he drinks , and then starts fight about the most stupid things , and he usually fight with my older sister . and it hurts that nothing i can do about it or to stop it . i used to play in school basketball team and i was good . at my first match , everyones familes was there to watch them or to support but mine didnt show up , they never cared about me . whenever there was a meeting at school that teachers talk about students to parents . my parents never came . but that is ok . as long as they dont start fight . < br / > and that is nice that you are a good father now and caring about your son . < br / >< br / > wish you best . Wow , NDD , I think our father 's may have been related . . . < br / >< br / > This is horrible to say , but sometimes , I wish I had a calendar to count down the days to his leaving this earth . ( And now I expect scathing comments on this statement . ) < br / >< br / > Sometimes I think my father 's only goal in life is to put me down so he can feel good about himself . I am married ( my parents ' marriage was a disaster and they are split up ) have 3 great children and have earned a Masters ' degree , which I completely pursued and financed on my own . What does my " father " focus on when I walk into a family gathering ? I 'm fat and ugly ( I 'm probably 10 lbs . over my " ideal " weight and my husband is still very attracted to me . ) My kids are never going to be as good as their cousins ( wrong , wrong , wrong . ) The latest dig was how unappetizing the birthday cake I made for daughter was ( the frosting was dyed blue , as requested by my daughter . Still , as a guest in my own home , he felt completely comfortable insulting me in front of everyone - - including my daughter whose birthday we were celebrating . ) < br / >< br / > In short , this man is toxic . Probably the best thing I ever did , after joining groups such as Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families , scouring the most current Catholic catechism on the 4th Commandment , and talking to priests about all of this is : this person was responsible for my exisistence but nothing more . My true Father is in Heaven , watching over me and providing me with the comfort and guidance I so desperately crave . < br / >< br / > I don 't think you are abnormal for having reoccurring doubts and grief over your relationship , or lack thereof , with this person from your past . If you only knew of all of the times I sobbed over my sense of my " lack of perfection " and my hurt and shame over who I am because I was never good enough for him . It finally dawned on me that once I let go of the wanting and accepted that what I wanted was never going to happen , I was allowed to grieve the loss and move on . < br / >< br / > It makes me Jenna3316 yeshucan : you 're a heartless poc . You sound like My father . My father came home everyday from work and didn 't let me in his office to say hello , didn 't ever sit down at the same table as me when I ate , but sat down when I left and hi ate with my brother , didn 't care about any of my football games ' half - time shows ( I was in dance ) . Didn 't care to attend either of my college graduations . And constantly told my brother while I walked out of the room that he 's to stay away from people like ( his sister ) . You yeshucan , are unempathetic , don 't care to relate , don 't care to see it from a youth 's perspective . All you see is the money involved . If that 's all life was about then all you had to do was make a lot of money then people would only make money and not smile at the fruits of their labor . THAT is what his story was about . His father failed to take pride in his offspring 's efforts and achievements in trying to make his father proud of who he was becoming . What is so wrong with wanting and hoping for your parent 's approval and accolades ? That is all he had hoped for . That is the point of the story . Or am I wrong newdaydogEP ? Forgiveness is a hugely complicated issue . This word is tossed around so easily , generally by people who want to tell others how to live their lives . In my opinion , and from the perspective of my own set of horrible father experiences , recurring despicable actions over time do not deserve forgiveness . What they deserve is to be left behind ( not forgotten ) through personal growth , the kind of growth that does not diminish those actions , but rather creates a vastly better world . < br / >< br / > So perhaps this is not exactly eloquent . The aphorism , " The best revenge is living well " says it better . Each one of us will face challenges on this earth . You faced yours at a young age , the seemingly lack of emotional support young kids and teens need to build confidence which most parents give easily and generously , as if by innate guidance , to their children . < br / >< br / > Your parent 's lack of attention , is the very reason you were so competitive . Many young people who do not have parental acknowledgement and attention ( myself included ) will put more muscle and brain power into their effort to succeed . < br / >< br / > More than likely all the extra effort to succeed was conjured up from the starved for attention childhood psyche in a desparate maneuver for the much desired attention from one 's parents . < br / >< br / > As most of us learn after the first of achievements . . . . . the parents behavior never changes , even after a son 's or daughter 's achievement , no real praise or comendation is noted . < br / >< br / > What is interesting is that others take notice . < br / > Society notices . The community notices . < br / >< br / > As we mature into adulthood , although the pain of not receiving praise from parents is still present in one 's heart , something new begins to emerge - the joy of belonging to a community who recognizes your efforts and who embraces you . < br / >< br / > To every thing there is a season , and a time to every purpose under the heaven . < br / >< br / > I believe in the above statement and the fact that there is more to our life plan than we are aware of . Personally , I don 't believe in coincidences - I believe you were born to your specific parents for a reason . < br / >< br / > Each of us are born into specific circumstances , into a specific family to learn specific spiritual growth . Only through trying situations do we learn to stretch our spirtual muscle . < br / >< br / > You may not have become half the man you are today had it not been for the drive to succeed . You met your challenge and instead of feeling sorry for yourself , instead of giving up on yourself when you had no one cheering for you , while seeing all your teammates being cheered byDreamWizard Fake it till you make it , Try to be Happy . GIve yourself sometime and try to cry see what happends ? How does it make you feel ? Bless you and your family . Do you believe in jesus ? I don 't know if thier another way on asking this question with out offending you ? What advise can you help me with me , I 'm on the verge of being like you . . . im 21 and want to be on the top of any profession I chose . . . I can 't understand if my motive is true or if it stems from anger ? ? I understand this story . My father was never present physically . I had a terrible step father who was completely detached unless he was being destructive occasionally . Zero fun living on egg shells . And then I married a man who isn 't willing to participate in life in general . He sounds so much like your father . Good news is I just asked him to leave . So now after 23 years it is finally over . Nothing I hate more than being ignored . Unless it is maybe being terrified when they finally blow up . < br / >< br / > Sounds like you excelled inspite of your father 's inability to interact . It is sad your family wouldn 't acknowledge you . Sounds like you are continueing on your journey despite it all . Don 't let anyone tell you to " get over it " THAT is passive dead ridiculousness . It reflects on the responder more than you . I often find people can become uncomfortable and even attack you when you try to face things that are wrong . They pobably can 't deal with whatever and think burying it al will save them from it . I don 't really know . < br / >< br / > But you sound like a survivor to me . Good for you . Doesn 't sound like you owe anybody an apology for this post . Who am I to judge ? Who is anybody to judge you who hasn 't walked in your shoes ? Your story is inspirational . Seems to me that what was written was bottled up for some time and finally letting it all out . If the thoughts of your parents weren 't important then this story would be a farce at best , yet it wasn 't a farce . Even when your parents are gone , you are some how trying to reach out to them in one manner or another . < br / >< br / > Keep writing because you will eventually won 't feel so isolated and more open about what has gone on with your life . I am sorry for your father 's indifference . I have one like that . It is much easier for him to disconnect from issues than to try and solve them . Unfortunately , I have inherited this trait from him somewhat . Not totally . I also have the urge to speak my mind like my mom . I also have her temper . My mom was mostly around for our school activities . PTA , Room Mother , etc . Our dad traveled a lot or wasn 't home much because of work . Also , he got brainwashed by the TV evangelist church he was working for . It made me hate religion for a while . My parents got divorced because he had an affair with a woman ( atheist ) who worked at that church with him and was invited into our home because our naive mother felt sorry for her ! So he is still married to this woman and I have been cursed by her afflictions before she married my dumb dad ! I smoke and drink like a fish . She was a smokaholic and alcoholic when she met my dad and quit a couple years after . I was a goody - two - shoes then all of a sudden I was smoking and drinking as a teenager . I must ask , " wtf ? ? ? " She fricking retired after marrying my dad at like 34 ! ! ! My mom just turned 70 and she is still working ! ! ! WTF ? ? ? " Okay , where is the justice in that ? < br / >< br / > Your parents were there all the time but for whatever reason , you didn 't think so . I don 't know why . Just because they didn 't pay attention to every single accomplishment ? ? ? I think that just their support for you explains much of your achievement . Just because they didn 't go to every single game doesn 't mean they didn 't care . They don 't have to be smothering you with cake , giant parties , banners and going to every single event to show that they care about you . I don 't know why you are making such a big deal out of stuff that obviously didn 't affect your growth in society all that much . I could understand if you turned into a crackhead , but you didn 't . You should be glad for that . < br / >< br / > After my parents ' divorce , my dad was never around and my mom was working 70 hrs . a week . We had no babysitter because she coboonroonru I am sorry for your father 's indifference . I have one like that . It is much easier for him to disconnect from issues than to try and solve them . Unfortunately , I have inherited this trait from him somewhat . Not totally . I also have the urge to speak my mind like my mom . I also have her temper . My mom was mostly around for our school activities . PTA , Room Mother , etc . Our dad traveled a lot or wasn 't home much because of work . Also , he got brainwashed by the TV evangelist church he was working for . It made me hate religion for a while . My parents got divorced because he had an affair with a woman ( atheist ) who worked at that church with him and was invited into our home because our naive mother felt sorry for her ! So he is still married to this woman and I have been cursed by her afflictions before she married my dumb dad ! I smoke and drink like a fish . She was a smokaholic and alcoholic when she met my dad and quit a couple years after . I was a goody - two - shoes then all of a sudden I was smoking and drinking as a teenager . I must ask , " wtf ? ? ? " She fricking retired after marrying my dad at like 34 ! ! ! My mom just turned 70 and she is still working ! ! ! WTF ? ? ? " Okay , where is the justice in that ? < br / >< br / > Your parents were there all the time but for whatever reason , you didn 't think so . I don 't know why . Just because they didn 't pay attention to every single accomplishment ? ? ? I think that just their support for you explains much of your achievement . Just because they didn 't go to every single game doesn 't mean they didn 't care . They don 't have to be smothering you with cake , giant parties , banners and going to every single event to show that they care about you . I don 't know why you are making such a big deal out of stuff that obviously didn 't affect your growth in society all that much . I could understand if you turned into a crackhead , but you didn 't . You should be glad for that . < br / >< br / > After my parents ' divorce , my dad was never around and my mom was working 70 hrs . a week . We had no babysitter because she coboonroonru Your situation sounds like it ws tough growing up in terms of your relationship with your Dad and stepmother , but just because your situation may have been harder to deal with doesn 't mean you should try to minimize the pain the author is expressing . I 've made the mistake of doing that in the past in reference to someone 's death and afterward realized what a stupid insenitve idea that was to bring up . It 's okay though , I 'm sure everyone makes mistakes here and there . That 's how we learn . yes you have alot of responses did anyof them remind you that fghting the past is unnessicary ? Look for an opertunity to change the future and no matter how big your sholders are do not take responsibility for problems that you did not cause especially from your childhood your oerachiving was a cry for attention witch is most likely never going to be met with what you 'd expect . I 'm concerned that this attitude of your family will carry into other interpersonal relations a few therapy sessions never hurt anyone but inless you are willing to solve the situation the right way nothing will come out of it goodluck I hope you get some peace and resolution Your entry really moved me . < br / >< br / > " Am I just the sum of my experiences or is the state of my consciousness as I experience life the primary factor ? " I love this bit . In your case I think having the benefit of hindsight makes you a better father to your children , as you can draw from past experiences and make the most of every family situation . < br / >< br / > Thanks for sharing , and I wish you all the best . I was deeply touched by your story . It is just so sad when a parent or parents aren 't there for their kids whether it be physically or emotionally . I was fortunate to be blessed with kind and loving parents who were there for me but I have friends who were not so fortunate . < br / >< br / > When I red your question as to who you are my first thought was that you are a self made man . You were able to rise above the neglect of your parent ( s ) at a very early age . You pushed yourself to do your best at sports even knowing that no family would be there for the awards ceremonies . You just did your best for yourself and that is something to be very proud of . < br / >< br / > I also find it touching that you are willing to think of your dad with compassion or are at least willing to try . So many people would have become bitter and would have only hard feelings towards their father . You are living proof of what I have always said , that when a person is older they can make the decision to rise above their raising . You don 't have to let the events of your childhood affect your live in a negative way but can instead have a positive outlook on life which you seem to have done very well . I wish you all the best with the rest of your life . You know , I read your story and for all you fools out there , what happens during childhood does affect who we become as adults . Don 't judge unless you have walked a mile in this person 's shoes . < br / >< br / > When I was 16 , I got pregnant . Coming from a house with an overtly abusive stepmother and a father who always worked , this honestly was not surprising . When a person is neglected and abused at home , they go looking for love anywhere they can find it . < br / >< br / > After I became pregnant and had my oldest daughter at 17 , my father quit speaking to me . We did not have a relationship until I was 30 . Because of this experience , I have to deal with an immense fear of rejection on a regular basis . < br / >< br / > I get exactly how you feel . I have worked hard to overcome my fears and torments , but it is still a day to day struggle . Keep the faith . . . parents have their flaws . . very little of us has had the opportunity or the luck to have one of those perfect types ( if such exists ) of parents . however , they are as they are and we have to make do with what was given . my hats off to you for rising over such past . i never did . i envy you . My father has allways been there . . . in his house , but not with me . I am not an athlete , but I have trained swimming , swimmed for years including in open sea competitions . Once my father said that my swimming training was only a form of loosing work or business time . He has never invited or shared a beer with me . Has never said I love you . Has never given finnancial advice . Has critizized me when I quit a job because that I want to be more with my kids , because this quitting goes against money growth . Guess what ? Everybody thinks well of him , that he is a good and great guy . And he is , in some ways . < br / >< br / > Sometimes we forget that our fathers are humans , that they too had a personal struggle in life . We need to study them and have some pity , once we understand WHY they made those mistakes , it is possible to love or forgive them . The effort and sacrifice to raise kids is great . But giving love , only a few give quality love . < br / >< br / > I hope you have a relationship with your spouse and kids that is good , so you can break , as you did in sports , the chain of failure - the failure to give affection . Well thats really great . God put you in that position to grow as a person because He knew you can handle it . I feel so blessed i have supportive parents but thats really amazing how you 've gone so far on your own , congratulations : ) Wow , reading all these stories has actually made me feel grateful . A little bit ashamed too of being so incredibly judgmental of my parents . My dad and I did have our issues when I worked for him , and when he taught me how to drive , at least he tried ! He did yell at me and bring me down whenever I did something wrong . < br / >< br / > This makes me feel more and more that there is something " wrong " with men , it 's as if they were not taught how to be human but the opposite . < br / >< br / > I did find sweet men in my life , never lost faith in men , I have a boyfriend who I deeply love , but I have heard just so many stories of men being bad fathers or not being there at all . My boyfriend has decided to cut his father out of his life recently and he really has no guilt whatsoever . He even wanted to be put for adoption as a child because he didn 't feel good in his family . < br / >< br / > What baffles me the most is : how come some people react one way and some another ? < br / >< br / > I have had plenty of conversations about life with my dad , he is actually quite a sensitive man and he even cries easily . His father was in a war for 4 years when he was 18 , and he was sort of like your father Dog . As a granddaughter , I always felt weird about his lack of interest in talking to his own family . He did smile at small children , and animals , but he seemed unable to talk to me or any of us really . I asked him what he had for lunch once and he practically got offended by the question . My aunt , his daughter , did have a really rough time growing up with him and dealing with her life . Another aunt was kicked out of the house when became pregnant . < br / >< br / > Anyway , my dad 's childhood with his dad was SO much worse than mine , yet he dealt with his life as an adult very well . My childhood with my parents , now divorced , was perfectly decent except for some of their fighting , partly because of my dad 's temper , and I just can 't even begin to grow up . I am 24 years old and I have no ambition , my boyfriend supports me completely , I don 't know what I want inmpmg Your story touched me and makes me sad . You had to become your own cheer - leader and you have . You continued to achieve in so many areas and carried on with no family support . I can relate to this totally . There is always that emptyness inside and so what if you blew at someone who was critical towards you . ? I 'm sure you have a lot of pain in you that you 've kept in abayyance . ( spelling ? ) . Anger covers pain and anyone who can 't see how difficult it is to live one 's life without any family support and being ignored to boot can 't see reality . I am proud of you for doing what you 've needed to make your own life worthwhile . And to your reaction to a negative comment , it just brought out in you what 's always been there that loss of not having your family to commend and to congradulate you on your achievements . This is always going to be a loss since I as well came from a similar type of family . Not only was i ignored i was also abused in all ways . I as well went ' to the top ' and was in Whose < br / > Who in America , Whose Who in the World and of American Woman and you know what ? Not one accolade of congradulations from any of my family members . i had to give it to myself and one friend also gave me her blessings and her praise . I know from where you speak . You 're good . You 're brave and I see no need to apologize . it 's true other people 's reactions to our stories bring out a reaction in us that is a part of us and all it does is make us aware that it 's there . Congradulations on your achievements . Blessings ! Velvetflow I just read your post and your reply on yeshucan 's comment . < br / >< br / > I have some what similar issues from my own youth . My problems lie on the fact that neither my parents , nor teachers , helped me along in school so I was always at the bottom failing my classes and just not getting anywhere . I also had other problems with my past that would make this a long reply , which is not the reason I am replying . < br / >< br / > I enjoyed reading this because you were able to do the things I wasn 't able to do , which was get yourself ahead on your own . I wasn 't able to because I never knew I could , which is causing me to rush to learn right now . < br / >< br / > I was really impressed by how you handled your reply to yeshucan because I have lost a huge amount of patience with in the last few years causing me to become very agitated very quickly . I am now realising how much I have changed in the last several years since I have graduated so now I need to find out how I can just relax and really grab life by the nuts and just take it easy more . < br / >< br / > Thank you for showing me this . If I may and if it hasn 't been said . " what you know were denied from your parents , you can with great pride give to your children . As that would be their greatest gift and your greatest achievement . < br / >< br / > And I so agree that no one should cause you any anxiety . But there are those times when we ourselves fail at keeping their hate at bay and turn on them in their manner that we detest . We are all human . Forgiveness heals the soul . You know , I like this story only because , the way you describe yourself . . . I 'd think on the surface , there 's a perfect person , popular guy everyone likes , he can 't possibly have any problems like the rest of us poor losers . < br / > I can 't understand why your parent . . . wait , where was your mom ? Did you ever ask them straight up why they didn 't come ? If it had been me , I would 've thrown a big fit to my parents and screamed and cried , " you never ever come to my awards ceremonies why the * * * * don 't you care about me ! ! " If I was you in your shoes today this very day , I 'd go over to my parent 's house and say , " I 've had something bothering me on my mind . Why did you guys show no interest whatsoever in what I did in my life when I was young and you were unsupportive , showing no interest in my life ? Don 't you love me ? I just don 't get it . DO you even love me ? Why wouldn 't you pretend I exist , if you do ? " Exactly that , exactly that way , angrily , is what I would say and do . < br / > Which is probably why I 'm unpopular . But yeah no way could I hold all that in . I 'd totally unleash and be like , " parents what the * * * * is wrong with you ahh I hate you ! ! " < br / > I can 't not express what I feel . Maybe it is part of what 's wrong with me , but , if I feel something , I have problems not just telling it straight and letting it out without thought . < br / > I am angry at your parents because I am picturing myself as you , and that makes me pissed off at them . On the other hand , I am very confused . < br / > That is not normal parental behavior . it 's not as cut and dried as just they are abusive * * * * * * . Ignoring you like that and showing no interest is actually so weird it is kind of interesting . Interesting , in the way of a deranged person is and you wonder what goes on in their head . So if I was you , I would be asking my parents all kinds of questions trying to find out how they think and why they do the things that they do , maybe , they don 't even know how they affected you or what they did . . . they might be sort of like a criminally insane person , unawaSummerWind18 I loved your story , so inspiring . You become what you wanted to become though life is too sad for you because of the people are wasn 't there when you need them the most . But hey , look at what you 've had accomplished ! It 's a life 's experience that you should be proud of . Your father were surely are proud of you . . Congratulations on finding the courage to share your life story with everyone else . To tell you the truth , I can relate to your story . But , I 'm not gonna do deeper , this is your story so I wish you good luck and I truly hope you are happy in life . Thank you for your moving words . I feel as you do . My father was never there for me either , and it is only now that he begins to care about me even slightly . I am sorry for your loss , as he is gone and can never make amends to you . Your words bring a bitter wistful smile to my features , and I am glad you overcame . I feel that your dad wasnt responsible as a father , we are always looking for approval from our parents and its a natural thing . He must have his problems but neglects imprint stays , I know that because I feel my dad is never there for me as well . You became a better person though , dont ever feel less than you are worth . If you keep perservering you could become known to everyone and you wont need approval from anyone because that feeling will be immense . It isnt your fault your family isnt there , believe in yourself . I 've heard allot of people say that what is done to you you will do to others . Especially if it is someone as close , not to mention a parent . I share a similar experience . I have never spoken more than 10 words at a time with my father and I grew up in the same house as him . Ever since I can remeber me and both my brothers and sister call him by name and I have no idea why . Friends used to ask me why do you call him by name and we would just shrug , smile and say I don 't know how to call him anything else . When I went to visit my friends , I struggled to get the concept of fatherly love . I 've always tried my best to understand why my friend called her father pappa and why he would came into the room to say good night and hug his daughter . I just shrugged it of again and thought about the pretty pictures on her bedroom wall and the books on her bedroomshelf . and that made me feel better and smile and then I could fall asleep . < br / >< br / > I just got so emotional that I can 't remember what I wanted to say . . . < br / >< br / > So yes . . . this is how my relationship with my father was ever since I can remeber : My whole life I hafve been terrified by him . He abused my mother , emotionally and sometimes physically . He 's always stressed . He talked about money always . I broke my arm once and he said that Í 'm wasting his money again . He didn 't want to pay our schoolfees , we had no relationship whatsoever through out my childhood and growingup . Non the less I am thankful that he kept us alive . My brother and sister don ; t have a problem talking to him . I don 't know why I do . < br / > Not having a loving relationship has affected me allot . Firstly I have problems with relationships . I do not know how to handle conflict . I do not know how to be comfortable around men . I 'm change gears into survival mode instantly . I 'm careful to say what I think . . . . etc . And I struggle to see the good in men . It takes me a long timne to be convinced even if it is a good man that a person is good . I push people away . I isolate myself . My mother sometimes steriestumpie To the OP : < br / >< br / > You have taken the anger and sense of betrayal that accompanied your life from your earliest years and are trying to make something positive with it . Congratulations for taking that huge step . I recognize and respect your courage in doing so . I also appreciate the way you have mulled over the responses here , both positive and negative . I am trying to learn from reading this and from watching your example . < br / >< br / > Here 's something I 've encountered in my own spiritual journeying which might interest you . I 've been exploring shamanism and shamanic thinking , which in its essence is a path of self awareness as most of the other spiritually fulfilling traditions also seem to offer . In this instance , the thought ( actually , experiential ) process begins with the self , extends to one 's environment , and progresses in a transformative manner to enable the person to become a positive force . And how it does this involves the notion of forgiveness . < br / >< br / > Forgiveness is not a tool to accomplish a goal . It is instead a state of being . In this tradition one cannot come into a state of forgiveness until some threshold efforts are made . One of these is the intention and practice of gratitude . That took me by surprise when I first read it , but I can see the truth in the idea . We tend to be uncomfortable with even the idea of gratitude , particularly when we are justified in our anger . That , of course , is our challenge . When we can place our anger in a proper role , we may continue to acknowledge and respect it , but at the same we become protected from its toxic effects . One way to do this is by the practice of gratitude . < br / >< br / > Like anything else , we begin slowly . A technique is to form the intention every morning upon waking to think of something in our lives for which we actually do feel grateful . We need not feel gratitude towards anyone at all to do this . All we need do is enter a state of gratitude . So - lets start simply . I love the flavor , aroma and texture of a beautiful , fully ripened peachGenteelAnimal Reading your story immediately made me feel sad . I am a mother of two ( soon to be three ) , and I think one of the worst things you can do to a child is ignore it . What happens when you get ignored is you internalize this message of " I 'm unimportant " , but of course you are not really . So it 's just really wrong and irresponsible of a parent to NOT be there . Of course now though , as an adult yourself you have the power and the ability to negate any of the effects their behaviour had on you . In fact you can use that experience to go in the completely opposite direction , and be a strong proponent of proper parenting to others . < br / >< br / > And just so you know I think it is so cool that at your age you are still introspective and desiring to understand and talk about your past experiences . I see so many people , much younger than yourself who are just so emotionally flat . Who don 't have any clue how their past experiences factor into their views and actions now . Your story is a refreshing deviation from the dull mindedness that is so common out there these days . That 's not nice . Why don 't you act like a real man instead of something stuck on the bottom of the ocean or the bottom of someone 's shoe ? It 's dudes like you that are an insult to what little decent men there are left in the world . Well now < br / > let me get in on the end coach . < br / > What did you learn from your youth experience ? Did it make you a better parent now , ? < br / > Well done if it did you a strong character from your determination in achieving Would you have been different if you had dad support < br / > Who Knows ? All you have to remember is that you learned to do things in a certain way that was maybe different from your dad good or bad AS LONG AS YOU LEARNED SOMETHING FROM IT . < br / > Try to think of something nice your dad did back then and hang on to it its lighter baggage than the negative things . < br / > Aside " those days were difficult , what with war and conflict going on maybe he was living in the past So What - ' You alive and well and i think doing just fine < br / > " Put your past in your behind " Who said that : ) today you are the youngest you will ever be live it up - back then aint nothing right now AWE SHUCKS hang in there . YOU OK Mark it up to the lesson he taught you Be positive . Bye now Enjoyed your story tuff being a child and haveing to deal with what must of felt like rejection . 10 out of 10 for makeing something of yourself . Maybe your Dad had bipolar it wasn 't known as that in the day . Mood swings of note without provocation and really not in their control . Needs medication , who knows . Have a happy day . great story thanks for sharing , wow i found another group i relate too and in less than 1 day . Thanks EP . I am not ready to open the wounds of my dad yet , i have before on another forum and got support . I 'm actually kinda over him to some extent now . After all i had been through in the past , well at least 6 years , New pain scarred over some of the old . but it still " smarts " I know . Bless you on your journey through life . < br / > Someone once told me when I was close to my lowest " you are a spiritual being having a human experience " I keep reminding myself of that and it gets me through . Peace and Light yes . . . some dads suck . . . i have a lot of anger and i always try to let it go . I love the way you write . Sucks because you should have had a good daddy : ( Sounds like you were a great kid ! Looks like you are doing well . . . Don 't listen to people . Most are just * * * * * * * * . Just listen to the people you love or respect This is an awesome story . You seem like a deep , thoughtful and reflective person . Just wanted to say I very much enjoyed reading your story . My dad was also very detached . I think he may have had less than 10 conversations with me . Now he is quite old and is actually not there at all mentally . It 's impossible for me to connect with him now , or have any sort of relevant conversation . Congrats to you . Yours is a hard story to read . You turned out alright , and I hope you find compassion for yourself , as you 're trying to do . Best wishes . : ) You are beautiful inside and out . You are a true man . You taught me that there are amazing , real men in the world who can love . You taught me the ability to be wise , how to live , and be kind to people even when people hate you in vain . You told me everything a real , good father . . . Well , Dad , it has been 6 months since you passed on . Mom is doing well and all the financial stuff you set up clicked in right on time . Of course , there were a few glitches , but they were easily sorted out . The family is closer now because you are gone . One of us ' kids ' visits . . . Dad , What you did was not right . The hurt cut me deep & scars will remain with me forever , but I forgive you . I forgive the time you hit mom and the police came . I forgive the time you gave me a . . .

The cardiologist looked at the heart scan straight away and came down to see me while Louise was having her toast and was still pretty dozy after the general anaesthetic . He 's very pleased whit how everything is looking , her PA band is holding up great and doing it 's protective job very well . Her Glenn is looking good too . Everything as well as can be expected . Her blood oxygen level is good for a Glenn child and her only symptom really is her breathing . He said he doesn 't want to put her into surgery ( which I was expecting since her last visit to be after Christmas ) until she is seen by pulmonary to rule out any asthma or lung issues which might be accounting for her breathing . He asked the nurse to ring them and ask could they come down and see her while she was there . So from building myself up for surgery after Christmas , God knows when it will be now . I was fit to be tied on the way home and so deflated but on the good side , if her surgery is delayed , the beautiful new state of the art children 's cardiac unit will be completed ( this summer ) in time for us to benefit from it and I won 't have to sleep on a thin freezing rubber mattress on the floor beside Louise 's cot . That was the heart . There is a large extra axial fluid collection within the posterior fossa , predominantly right - sided , which is shown to communicate with an enlarged distorted fourth ventricle . There appears to be complete agenesis of the cerebellar vermis , with significant hypoplasia of the right cerebellar hemisphere . The posterior fossa appears slightly enlarged , with a mild elevation of the tentorium . No supratentorial abnormality is identified . Findings are consistent with a Dandy - Walker Malformation , which appears unchanged since the previous examination . Regarding the vascular anatomy , the right cartoid artery is significantly smaller than the left . The right internal cartoid artery is significantly smaller than the left and the anterior and middle cerebral branches are also smaller . I do not see convincing continuity between the right posterior communicating artery and the posterior cerebral artery . ( Oh , and great news . . . ) The vertebral - basilar arteries appear normal . ' The bottom line is we really have no idea what the short or long term significance of this is . Thanks be to God , and I sincerely believe it is thanks to Him , there are no aneurisyms present which was our greatest fear . So that 's good . I guess we 'll need to see a vascular specialist and a neuro - surgeon as well as the birth - mark department which diagnosed her in the first place to see what the course of action will be . On a very superficial level ( and I can always find something superficial to worry about in the midst of great drama ) , I hope we don 't have to go to a different hospital as I suspect because there is ZERO parking available around the one I think it might be and I can visualise me and Louise taking the bus in the city traffic to her appointments . For anyone wondering why I 've put that whole report in this post and that I should be more . . . well . . . private , firstly , a lot of my family and close friends are interested and secondly , I 'll be posting this in the PHACE Syndrome group page . This is such a rare condition , every bit of medical information is important and of interest to other families , and I 'm also hoping some of them might be able to impart some of their knowledge and experience onto me . If you have any , please leave it as a comment . This is new to all of us . I opened my e - mail on Monday and found this e - mail . It means a lot to me and especially because after he sent it , the writer was filled with doubts and regrets that maybe he shouldn 't have sent it , that I 'd think him stupid , or weird . He sent it anyway and I am glad he did . It gave me solace after our visit to the cardiologist and the news that Louise 's surgery will be brought much forward . Probably in the new year now instead of this time next year . It is never wrong to do a good thing and the best time to do a good thing is when you think of it . . . wait for later and it won 't be done , you can be sure of that . With his permission , here it is . Thank you . Dear Jennifer , I was very touched yesterday ( on returning from 2 weeks without email ) to read your latest " Little Louise " blog post . Then this morning / last night ( around 6am ) I couldn 't sleep and felt strongly that I needed to pray for Louise especially , but also for you and John , and for all the children - Rebecca , Miriam , Laura , Isabelle and Peter . Some verses from Psalm 139 ( you might know it as 138 ) came into my mind after praying for you all . ' If I say " surely the darkness will hide me , and the light become night around me " , even the darkness will not be dark to you ; the night will shine like the day , for darkness is as light to you . For you created me in my inmost being ; you knit me together in my mother 's womb . I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made ; your works are wonderful , I know that full well . My frame was not hidden from you , when I was made in the secret place . When I was woven together in the depths of the earth , your eyes saw my unformed body . All the days ordained to me were written in your book before one of them came to be ' . The other thing that came into my mind after praying for you was a thought that has been important for me for a long time , and particularly at difficult times - that God holds each one of us in the palm of his hand and he has written our names there ( this bit , about the names being engraved on God 's hand is from Isaiah 49 ) , and I thought it might be helpful for you to remember that God has your name , Jennifer , and John 's name , and Rebecca 's , Miriam 's , Laura 's , Isabells 's , Peter 's and Louise 's names engraved on the palm of his hand . Bye for now and if you ever have a moment to drop me a line ( email or text ) to let me know how you 're all doing , and how , specifically , I can be praying for you ( I 'm praying for Louise 's heart whenever I remember , of course ) , I would love it . With much love and big ( virtual ) hugs , and brother in Christ , Posted by Today my heart is heavy . I am sitting here writing this and listening to my little girl who loves life with gusto puffing and panting because she had just joined in the actions of a Wiggles song . This morning she got out of bed and ran in to hug me and John and as we cuddled her she gradually got her breath back . For the first time in exactly two years since her Glenn operation we have felt the need to telephone the hospital and the specialist nurse for advice . If you remember Louise 's first emergency operation , her breathing was her body 's way of telling us she was struggling . For two years I have been telling myself that everything 's all right . Today I 'm not feeling so confident . Today I 'm acutely aware that Louise is not a normal child . Today I 'm remembering just why I am a member of Heart Baby groups on Facebook . Today I know we have to do it all again , and maybe again . . . and again . Yes , today my heart is heavy . So what 's it like to be a CHD Mom ? Oh it 's just fine . You soon get very accustomed to sweet little blue toes and a navy coloured mouth after a trip to the swimming pool . Sometimes we explain to people why we 're splashing the warm jacuzzi water onto her to heat her up . . . sometimes we don 't bother , let them think we 're mollycoddlers . There 's no wheelchair , or a limp , or disfigurement . There 's no behaviour you need to explain away . It 's hidden and secret apart from her beautiful white scars . I don 't mind her scars , they remind me that she 's one of only 15 % of children in the world who need heart surgery that ever receive it . She 's not part of the 85 % who die , scar - less . Her scars mean she 's alive . But there are little reminders littered along our path . Every single form she 'll ever fill in will involve disclosure . Every school trip will involve a discussion with her teachers . Her insurance will cost more than everybody else 's . Children and teenagers with CHD are encouraged to be involved in non - competitive sports . But this is a very can - do little girl , what if she wants to be competitive and push herself and by doing so push her half heart beyond what it might be able to do . What club will want her ? What club wants that responsibility ? And what if she meets a lovely man and walks up the aisle ? Will he be like me and adjust his position when she hugs him lest he feels the strange rhythm of her heartbeat ? Will he move his head away from her pillow ( like I do ) when he hears that not - quite - right whooshing sound amplified in his ear ? What will two pink lines mean to her ? The joy of new life will also mean a challenge to her doctors to help her heart beat for two . What if she needs a transplant ? Will someone else die in time to save my daughter ? I hope so . But those things are for the future . Medicine never goes backwards , it only goes forward . We 'll go forward too and we 'll manage . For now I 'll continue to struggle to shake that I look at her differently . I 'll continue to try not feel sad when I see her having fun . I 'll try to stop applying love songs to her and shake the guilt that I have 5 other children I love just as much but I don 't apply those songs to them . I 'll continue to try and see her as a normal child and not her condition . Maybe that will never happen , she 's a package deal . She 's cute and funny and headstrong and cheekily confident . And she has half a heart with a strange heartbeat , and a brain ' thing ' and a face mark and whatever else we find out about her in her upcoming contrast scan . That 's what she is , she was never anything else . When we chose life , we chose Louise , we chose the package deal . For better , for worse , in sickness and health . . . till death do us part . John said to me out of the blue a few days ago ' you know , if she dies now . . . it 'll have been worth it ' . That 's not his style but maybe he thinks those things too from time to time . He 's her Daddy after all . Not all doctors become impassive in the face of illness . And now I want to tell you why I 'm writing this post . As you know , Louise 's heart defect is part of PHACE syndrome , a genetic condition of no known cause . There was nothing we could have done any differently to prevent it . There 's no guilt attached . There 's no we could have . . . we should have . . . We didn 't cause it . Thank God . A few days ago I read this article . Don 't pass on . . . click it and read it . Rubella is on the rise because of lack of adequate take - up of vaccination . To benefit from herd immunity a population has to have 95 % vaccination . This is not being reached . The link between MMR and Autism has been debunked again and again . Every international paediatric organisation in the world has debunked it , ( read that link too ) the doctor who came up with this link has had his medical licence removed in UK and America . He was listed as the worst physician in Medscape and is considered to have done untold and lasting damage to disease control worldwide . Now imagine your daughter is not vaccinated and she is not adequately protected by herd immunity . She catches rubella in early pregnancy Her baby . . . your precious grandchild has a 90 % chance of birth defect . . . blindness , brain damage CHD . I 'm sorry to say but it will be your fault for heading rumour and hearsay rather than extensive medical and scientific evidence . It 'll be your fault for listening to a proved fraudster over people who have genuine concern for people 's health . Do you think your daughter will look you in the eye when she has just handed over her tiny baby to a surgeon like I had to . . . it is the hardest thing to do . . . and thank you for your wisdom ? How will you feel visiting a baby wired up to every machine you can imagine and whose life and future are uncertain and in the lifetime hands of doctors and know YOU could have prevented it ? I just thought I 'd upload this cute little clip of Louise doing the alphabet along with a YouTube site . Considering that speech is one of the things often affected by Dandy - Walker , this might give parents of recently diagnosed children some hope that lots of children with this condition do well and defy predictions in so many areas . The one thing I have learned about babies with DW is that NEVER is a word which should NEVER be listened to . The human spirit , the power of love and the real power of heartfelt prayer is something that just cannot be measured on an ultrasound machine . This week Hallie Lord is hosting the lovely idea of a Love Song Link - Up over at her super blog Betty Beguiles . I 'm running a bit late with it as it 's been going for a few days now . . . pop over there and check out the romance fest in the other blogs . I 've been listening to some of the love songs , a lot of which are new to me and I can 't wait to check out more later . Even nicer because my Wedding Anniversary is today ! ! The love songs that mean the world to me are not about John . They are not about him , they are about someone else who slipped into our lives in secret . They are not about him but they are about the times when I have felt closest to him and when I realised just how great a treasure I have found in him . Marriage has lots of moments of intimacy , both personal and physical which are for that couple , not to be shared but to be treasured privately . There are other moments which can do good , maybe even great good by being told . These moments of intimacy I have already shared here . I can quite honestly say that I have never felt so close and bonded to my husband as when sitting in a darkened room peering at an ultrasound screen , looking for signs of hope . I have never felt so close to him as walking beside him out of an operating theatre having just handed over a very unwell two week old . Or the time when a doctor told us she wouldn 't be considered for a donor heart and John said she could have his , and I knew he meant it . The songs I 've chosen aren 't about John but he is the one who carried us all through to the backtrack of these beautiful songs . . . each of which I applied at different times and usually with tears to our little girl Louise . We had just holidayed in France . I felt like a cloud was hanging over me that holiday , I just didn 't feel right . When Louise was diagnosed with problems I figured that 's what it had been . . . the marking point of the end of life as I 'd known it . That was until John reminded me that God doesn 't send ' omens ' of a little child who needs our help and don 't be so superstitious . ( You can see how he makes up the difference of all I 'm not lol ) I didn 't know until the last day that I was brewing Swine Flu - John 's first case in the epidemic which followed . Unknownst to us , Louise came home from that holiday with us . . . an answer to her siblings earnest ( and secret ) prayers . We hadn 't thought another little child would ever join our family and make it and those first few months were filled with the fear of another loss . . . This is the operation Louise will be having done next summer . The little girl , Emily , is the age Louise will be and has already had the same two cardiac surgeries as Louise . I 'm not 100 % sure whether it was the wisest thing I 've ever done to look at this . On the other hand , these pictures are testimony to just how skilled and utterly amazing these doctors are . We are so blessed to be able to access these skills for Louise . This operation took place only yesterday so send some prayers Brave Little Emily 's way . I have loved The Wiggles for many years , ever since our eldest two children , now 16 and 14 , were tots . They were always the one children 's programme , apart from the Canadian programme , Elephant Show , which didn 't make me want to take a rocket launcher to the television . Four ( quite handsome ) guys who were real musicians , didn 't try and act like children or talk in some sort of artificial way to them . Any children on their shows looked and acted like real children and not like over - performing stage school clones . The music was catchy and pleasing to the ear . Did I mention they were quite handsome ? ? Oh yes , I mentioned that . . . I 've always been a bit of a recreational crier . ( You know the sort of thing . . . movies , songs . . anything else you can think of . . . though real tears are not unknown to me either , as this blog can testify to ) . Probably more so since I 've had little people passing through my life to the strains of Rock - A - Bye - Your - Bear , like the transient little boy in Puff The Magic Dragon . The days blend into weeks , into months , into years . . . Dragons live forever . . . but not so little boys . . . or little girls . . . ( I 'm making myself cry here ) and next thing you have a bunch of mini - adults occupying the beds you used to visit at night to tuck in cute little toes . The amateur adults are precious too and we love them . But they 're not that interested in choosing a Wiggles DVD to put on to watch . By the time Louise came along , Peter was six and all the Wiggles VCR tapes had been tucked away to the back of the cupboard . I hadn 't passed them onto the charity shop along with most of the other tapes as they were categorised as sentimental value . We had seen them in concert when Peter was three only to discover to my dismay that velvet - voiced Greg had had to retire due to illness . Much to John 's amusement I spent the whole next day in tears watching YouTube tributes to The Yellow Wiggle ! You see they were the soundtrack of my babies childhood . In the meantime , I had also learned the piano because the instrumental piece ' Music Box Dancer ' came on the radio one day . It 's the piece Dorothy ( the dinosaur ) does her ballet to and I 'd never known the name of the music . Looking it up ( tearfully pondering the breakneck speed of the baby years ) on YouTube I stumbled on Web Piano Teacher which demonstrated a completely new method of teaching piano to adults who cannot read music . One of my greatest regrets had always been my inability to even play chopsticks . A few months later I had Music Box Dancer , Chariots of Fire , Fur Elise , Lean on Me and a few other pieces under my belt . So one winter 's evening some years later , in order to settle a fractious a little toddler girl , I rummaged to the back of the cupboard and found a video which was still playable on our barely functioning video machine . Louise , who had never been much enamoured by television at all , was immediately enchanted . Peeping into the room later on I spotted SIX children glued to the TV , and Dad standing in the doorway , also enjoying the music . . . The Wiggles were back in the family ! ! This spring when I spotted that The Wiggles were coming to Ireland and that GREG was back , there was no question of not bringing Louise . For good measure I got tickets for all the family , figuring that they all clearly love them and could use Louise as cover . I was looking at their website reading about Greg 's return when I had the notion of sending them a daring little request . . . a shot in the dark so to speak . . . I am just sticking my neck out to enquire whether there would be ANY possibility of a very special little girl who will be 2 1 / 2 when we bring her to the concert in June ( along with her 5 siblings who will be using her as an excuse to go ) to even have a brief meeting with The Wiggles . Before Louise was born we were told she may not live as she basically has half a functioning heart and she has had two major cardiac surgeries so far with another one due next year . We were also told that should she live she would be unable to walk or talk and probably also have learning and feeding difficulties . She has defied all predictions and in spite of a rare brain malformation ( Dandy - Walker ) she is like any typical child ( from the outside ) . Her little half heart is more loving and joyful than many of those of us who have it all going for us . Anyway , even though she is so young , I think it would be difficult to find a child in Ireland more dedicated to The Wiggles . I originally showed her our old VHS tapes which I had bought for her oldest sisters now 15 & 14 and she was immediately smitten . When she wakes during the night it 's Dooorrateeee we hear her calling for . The girls have taught her all the dances and they are doing her a world of good . I would be forever grateful if a little meeting could be arranged . However I am aware that you probably get lots of requests like this and will fully understand if it would not be possible . Would it make a difference if I told you that Louise 's Mommy ( Me ) spent an entire day in tears when Greg retired , much to my husband 's amusement ! ( it was because you were such a big part of my children 's childhoods ) Well I hope you at least consider my request , Louise will win your heart if you meet her . Affectionately , Thanks for your email . Sounds like Louise is a little battler as they would say in Australia . We are so glad of the positive impact we are are having in your life . We are happy to add you to the meet and greet . Murray , Greg and Jeff are retiring from The Wiggles at the end of this year . This is their farewell tour . There were tears in my eyes as they waved goodbye . Goodbye Wiggles . Goodbye little babies from my family . Thank you for meeting us . Thank you for the happiness you have brought our home . Thank you for being more than you are . Goodbye , Good Luck , God Bless . This is a beautiful composite movie of a number of children with Dandy - Walker Syndrome . It demonstrates just how special and precious each one is . Practically nobody knows what Dandy - Walker is until they receive a diagnosis for their child and are faced with the unknown . The more the faces of Dandy Walker are made visible , the more babies will be given the chance to show the world just how special they are and how much they can offer this world . Louise has added to our lives more than ever could be described or imagined and we would not change a single cell of her body if we were given a chance . ( though we would probably fix her heart . . . we are depending on the amazing doctors and scientists of this world to do that . ) Please feel free to share this video and to tell Louise 's story to anybody who is willing and who has ears to hear . Please message me on the listed mobile number ( or leave a message here ) if you would like to know how you can donate . I am hoping we will be able to raise enough to cover the surgery for one child in the Developing World . Of course , more than that would be greatly welcome . Here 's an interesting video I came across on YouTube . It hits home that it 's not necessarily going to be all plain sailing for the future . Thank God for doctors and scientists like these guys and a little reminder to pray for ( and fund ) them . The doctor was very pleased with Louise 's colour and demeanour and said she was looking super ! We got her ready for her ECHO and much to Louise 's chagrin he put a big dollop of the gel onto her chest - gone are the days when she used to gurgle up at him with all the charm she could muster . Well he is pleased with how things are looking . There 's a little bit of backflow ( into some vessel , I 'll check with John later ) but he 's not too worried about that , she might grow out of it . He showed us her fabulous left ventricle and then her tiny little right ventricle , barely there now . He ased about breathlessness and what makes her blue ( really only swimming and cold ) and said that was expected , as after all . . . and the first time I ever heard him using this phrase . . . she only has half a heart . Well , it seems not , it 's my own fault as he told me not to build up my hopes and of course I did . Anyway , we then discussed her heart MRI and brain MRA and he said he 'd do the heart when she 's 15 kilos ( she 's 11 kg now ) which will probably be around next Christmas . He said she 'll always be slow to gain weight , she 's a lean baby . Then schedule her surgery , providing she meets criteria . . adequate pulmonary artery growth , lung capacity etc . What about her MRA . . well he said go ahead and organise it separately as he will want a neck line put in under general anaesthetic to measure pressure and it wouldn 't be a good idea to be doing any other procedures at the same time . That suits us fine as now John can full steam ahead to organise that . This is a quick little post to announce my new blog . Even though this blog cost me many many tears , I really enjoyed writing it . I considered gradually introducing other topics apart from Louise , as you can see from the last post , but it really is a single issue blog and it deserves to be kept that way . I will continue to chronicle my beautiful Louise 's progress here . For example I still have to tell you about her successful hand operation and her upcoming MRA . My new blog is called ' Raindrops On My Head ' after the song I used to sing as a little girl and which caused me much distress as I had no idea how to end it and so was stuck on repeat each time until one of my parents would come to my rescue . Well hopefully I won 't be repeating myself too much but I hope people enjoy it and maybe subscribe to it . Like my original aspiration for this blog , which is so close to my heart , I really hope my readers will benefit from what I have to say . When I was a little girl most people didn 't have telephones in their house and we certainly didn 't . So there were telephone boxes dotted in convenient locations and that 's where people went to ring their relatives , friends and the odd sneaky call to a boyfriend armed with a handful of coins . The box near my house was where you 'd go and sit on the wall to wait for whoever was in there to either finish talking or run out of money and hope the person was calling long distance as a local call had no time limit . My mother used to telephone her sisters in Scotland and Northern Ireland from there and the calls were quite expensive ( and the telephone box freezing in Winter ) . Co - coincidentally , that wall beside the telephone box is where John and I spent many many hours sitting chatting when we were dating as it was half way between our two houses and is where the foundations of our marriage were dug . The box is gone now but there are many memories a lot of people hold in which it features . . . good news , bad news , giggling teenage chatter and old friends passing time together . . . a lot of memories . Every now and again the charging mechanism on the telephone became faulty and wasn 't able to detect whether the correct money or indeed any money at all had been inserted and so calls could be made free of charge . ( technically this wasn 't stealing as a telephone engineer once told me that the process of telephone calls doesn 't actually cost anyone anything so what you 're paying for is the service and the maintenance of the lines which is fair enough ) Anyway , when this happened it would usually take a day or two for the P & T to realise the fault and would quickly fix it . It was almost always the children who would make this great discovery and would quickly and enthusiastically spread the word and so parents were able to have long relaxed conversations with their absent children , little boys rang NASA and little girls rang Disney , Florida . And this is why if you know me a wet weekend you will know that I believe in God . And it is why I am quite happy to pass on what I know because I remember that broken telephone box . Belief means to hold AS TRUE . If something is true , you should pass it on . Imagine a loving parent who delights in their child . That Mummy or Daddy gets real pleasure in seeing their child happy and secure and loved . A few days ago I saw a post online offering free printable little notes for leaving in a child 's lunchbox in this back to school week . I thought that was a lovely idea though I 'm not sure if my older children would appreciate it unless I tucked them somewhere where their friends definitely wouldn 't see them : - ) When Louise was 10 days old she went into heart failure , that is , she started dying . By having been blessed to have been born into the First World , she was admitted immediately to hospital and operated on a few days later . If she had been born into the Developing World I would now be placing flowers on a small grave instead of making funny Facebook photo albums chronicling her misdemeanours . Instead of being admitted into a world class cardiac unit , she may have been brought to a facility bereft of supplies , personnel or facilities for her surgery and would have died of heart failure shortly afterwards . This world isn 't fair and probably never will be but each person can only do what they can do . I can 't become a billionaire benefactor to all these children , I can 't donate my medical expertise because I don 't have any , but I do have two legs and though I cannot at this moment run 10 kilometres , if I start now , I will be able to by next year . There is an international organisation based in America International Children 's Heart Foundation ( www . babyheart . org ) who bring doctors , surgeons , equipment and everything else required on missions to developing countries and perform life - saving heart surgery on children who would otherwise die . In the process they also provide training for doctors in these countries to leave a legacy where less and less of these precious children will die and hopefully they will go on to leave a trail of mischief in their wake just like my beautiful Louise . All of the doctors do this completely free of charge , often during their only holiday . So I 'm warning my family and friends … start saving now . I will be looking for LARGE donations . Nobody ever knows what is around the next corner and everyone reading this well knows , if it 's illness , you are among the world 's privileged minority . Yesterday afternoon we had Louise 's appointment in the National Centre For Medical Genetics which is based in Our Lady 's hospital , Crumlin ( imagine , all these things that are going on in the country that you never know about , interesting . ) I didn 't really know what to expect and just guessed it 'd be a matter of taking our bloods and some talking . My guess was pretty accurate apart from the bloods . We met with the Professor of Genetics who had already seen Louise when she was in hospital immediately after she was born and another doctor . He said that although PHACE seems to be genetic , so far there is no evidence that it 's hereditary so there 's no need for any of the other children , or indeed Louise , to worry when they are having children that this could happen again . There was no need to take any more bloods from her as they already have her DNA , genetic and chromosomal reads from her cord blood which was collected at birth . Incidentally he said all her results so far have been normal , which is good . As we know , finding a gene when you have no idea what you 're looking for is like trying to find someone in Tokyo when you don 't know what they look like , what their name is , where they live or where they work . As regards bringing forward Louise 's MRA , I don 't think it 's a runner . He said it 's not his decision to make but he doesn 't think they 'll do that . The reason for this is an MRI or MRA for a child is not like for you or me being told to stay still for the duration of the scan , it involves a general anesthetic which of course has risks involved , so they wouldn 't give a child one just to get information if they weren 't going to act on that information . He said that because Louise is well and not having any neurological problems so far there 's no way they 'd start going in to surgically cauterise or drain any dilations for fear of actually disturbing her status quo , rather they 'd just monitor her and her aspirin is protective anyway . They would only do surgery to relieve a problem and he has seen children with PHACE who are very neurologically unwell which doesn 't apply to Louise . I suppose it 's what I wanted to hear and it 's not what I wanted to hear . Anyway , they are the doctors , I 'm not , and I know one thing for sure , EVERY single doctor she 's seen since she was born has her best interests at heart . ( actually now that I 'm writing this , I 'm thinking there 's ONE doctor who was involved in my pregnancy who I 'm going to write to tonight to thank her for being such a comfort in the midst of so much darkness , she was a Fellow of Fetal Medicine and she used to take me aside at the end of the visits and say things like ' it 's sooo exciting , she 's going to be a beautiful baby girl ' and ' she 'll look just like the other children , they 'll LOVE her ' I wonder how many lives she has saved just by saying that sort of thing ? ) So that was more or less the genetic visit , he just photographed her face marks and asked us then for permission to hold onto her DNA for research and would we mind if they called on us for students etc to study her case . I refused . Ah no , that 's a joke , of course I agreed ( in fact I 'd be a bit chuffed to tell the truth ) Well , one thing I 'm learning as we go on . . . in some ways Louise was unlucky to have pulled the short straw , but in so many ways she is so very lucky in that she could have been so much worse . The day we heard about Louise 's problems we were broken hearted . The option was immediately presented to us that many people would ' go to England ' . Several times during my pregnancy I was asked by friends ' did I have to have a termination ? ' Our Obstetric visits were like a psychological warfare as to who was going to win out . . . Louise in this instance was lucky that there was NO chink in her parents united armour but I can clearly see how a frightened , terrified mother could easily be pressured or bullied into making that irreversible decision . So it took me those good few days to work through my emotions . Even though abortion was never for a split second on the cards , my initial emotional wish to get the problem over with in the easiest way . It took those few days of tears , prayer , talking etc for the maternal desire to fight at all cost to myself for my little child who was in trouble to really kick in . Had I not been steadfast in my position that life is not ours to take away , Louise would have been ' terminated ' before I had a chance to reach the third and most overwhelming position . I sat beside an overseas obstetrician at a medical dinner one Christmas and he was boasting to me ( 18 days pre delivery ) how pre - natal testing is helping reduce the cases of Down 's Syndrome . I asked him were they curing Downs then ? ( knowing of course that they weren 't ) ' Oh no , they can be terminated . . . ' I replied that they could eradicate every known illness in that way . By killing every blind person , is blindness then cured ? Of course not , you just have a lot of dead people and a lot of doctors who have done something which has no place in medicine . Quality of life is not for us to determine , when I was pregnant with my baby who has DW ' quality of life ' was all we heard about . The doctor gave the worst scenario , presented in a very brutal , un - compassionate and unkind way . She gave the worst scenario , but failed to present the equally possible best scenario that these babies can do amazingly well , that the love they carry along with them will blow you away , that they will cause a ripple impact of immeasurable good across the world - something very few of us can claim to have achieved with our eugenically acceptable lives , least of all doctors who march these precious babies off to have their quality of life removed from them , sometimes within hours of diagnosis . One couple I know were even offered an abortion in the Ultrasound room ( which I 'm guessing is illegal in any country ) and were pressured to the point that the Dad placed a formal complaint with the hospital . So some people by their disability cause others to have more difficult lives , to be tied down , to have siblings who have to learn to wait or put themselves out , but if to kill them is ok for that reason , why not kill the teenager who breaks their parents heart by drinking , drugs , cheek etc ? Why not kill the person who has had a car crash and is left disabled ? Or the girl I know who woke up beside her young husband one morning to find he had a stroke and her life now entails fulfilling her vow of ' in sickness or in health ' ? should he be killed because he 's making someone 's life inconvenient ? Of course not ! ! ! Human life has an innate dignity simply because it is human life , it 's dignity and value are not dependent on cognition , ability or ' quality ' . A eldest daughter in large family I know has profound physical and mental disability . The family care for her at home and by outside standards her quality of life is poor , however , her loving family can read her and her enjoyment of their interactions with her . People who call to the house first make a bee - line for her because she enriches them just by being who she is .

by David Olson | 07 / 15 / 2011 · 2210 A Story : Should 've , Could 've , Would 've . Once upon a time , I went out to get the mail . We live off the road a little bit and share a driveway with our next door neighbor . The driveway goes up between the two neighbors who are on the street on which we live . Walking up to the mail box , the neighbor at the street , on the left side of the driveway is an older man , a widower whose children have moved out of state . He frequently is out in his yard doing one chore and then another . We greeted each other and came together to chat for a little bit . " Did you hear how well Google did in their quarterly earnings report ? " I know that some of his retirement money is in the stock market , though I don 't know which stocks he holds . " I wish I would have bought that stock when it came out . I remember thinking about it but didn 't have much money to invest . " " Okay . How about you ? ' Should 've , could 've , would 've . ' If it isn 't a financial investment you would do differently , what would you do differently ? " " I really loved my wife and kids . If I had known cancer would take her when it did , I think I would have been a little kinder and more supportive . And if I knew how the lapse in judgment would cause the car accident I had a number of years ago , I would have been more attentive when I was driving that day . And there are many things like that . Sometimes when I am pulling weeds in my yard , my mind goes to those things in my life that I wish I could pull like the weed they were . " " Yes . " I replied , shifting my gaze out to the mailbox . " I think I have some weeds to pull in my own yard after I get the mail . Always good to talk to you Bill . " by christrapani | 07 / 12 / 2011 · 2356 Family Camp Ever notice how the family looks forward to Family Camp every year ? How cooperative that week is compared to home ? How quickly the return to normalcy seems to indicate Family Camp never happened ? How you pledge not to have a return to normalcy so quickly next year ? There is definitely a call to improvement during the camp worship and teaching times . But something is lacking ? Isn 't it ? When we break this down , it 's three times not once and it 's not just the males ( men are supposed be the head of their families instead they are like the whales , there should an effort to " Save the Males " ) , it 's the family ! It 's not when its convenient , it is when we are told by God Almighty to come to Camp . Camp is not for what we get , it 's for what we give . No wonder , normalcy is winning , we keep wanting . The command states , do NOT show up empty - handed ! So we learn three lessons : 1 . Once a year in not enough to break the monotony of normalcy . It 's takes a commitment of heavenly proportion . 3 . Ways to Love others . Serving with the whole Family is fun , too ! We see families traveling all over to play a sport , we should see families traveling all over to provide support . by David Olson | 06 / 12 / 2011 · 0632 It depends where you stand . A story on gratitude and the difference between trying your best and really just doing it . Once upon a time there were two very well to do Christian ladies . They lived next door to each other and both went to the same church . They were both nice ladies , more because of their cultured life than their religious devotion . Sadikah was truly born - again but Nichole went to church for three ulterior motives : she had friends there , her husband did business with many church members and the childrens ' programs were exceptional . At church on Sunday the families sat next to each other . The sermon was very entertaining . It was a carefully crafted worship service where you always felt like you got a lot out of it . The pastor read , " Give thanks in all circumstances , for this is God 's will for you in Christ Jesus . " ( 1Thessalonians 5 : 18 , NIV ) Nichole turned to Sadikah and said , " Oh , I so needed to hear that ! The drama team did such a good job today . " Sadikah hadn 't really thought the service was very helpful spiritually but she knew she needed more of what the Apostle had commanded in the Scripture . " Yes ! I really need to practice my gratitude this week . " On Thursday that week , Sadikah and her husband were entertaining visiting dignitaries with very fine dining and an evening at the opera . Everything was going very well . Sadikah wore a beautiful evening gown . The evening was near perfection until an accident in the restaurant resulted in a small but noticeable stain on her dress . Sadikah was understandably upset at the embarrassed wait - staff . But she restrained herself admirably . With great effort Sadikah smiled and said it was a little stain , and that the wait - staff should not feel bad for anyone can have an accident . The evening was not ruined for the others but she felt embarrassed and bothered . On the way to the opera she remembered the Word of God , " In everything give thanks ; for this is God 's will for you in Christ Jesus . " ( 1Thessalonians 5 : 18 , NAS ) And she tried to pray and give thanks , even for that stain . It was very difficult . The evening had been going so well . She tried in silent prayer to find things to be grateful for : " Thank you Lord I did not wear the light colored gown this evening . Thank you that the spill was not worse . Thank you that my husband and his guests were so gracious and supportive . " But she did not feel very grateful . Her mind kept returning to how well the evening had been going and how this accident had embarrassed her . If she hadn 't been a real Christian , she would have had to go home even though it would have ruined the evening for the others . She tried her best to have a good attitude and she kept repeating the Bible verse to herself and trying to practice it the best she could . But her night had been ruined . Yet between her cultured upbringing and her faith , only her husband could tell how troubled she really was . After the evening was over and Sadikah was alone in the car with her husband , she spoke honestly about how hard it was to do what she had been reminded of in church . He complimented her efforts and said how much he appreciated how well she had done . The evening had been a success thanks to her self - control . She felt appreciated and proud of her sincere efforts to be grateful in the midst of something so troubling . As they drew near to their house , they saw many emergency vehicles and the smoldering remains of Nichole 's house . Sadikah ran to her friend and embraced her asking what had happened . Nichole told her of a gas explosion in the utility room and how scary it had been and what it took for the whole family to get safely out of the house . " I am just so thankful none of us were hurt . We can get the house replaced and the things don 't matter much , do they ? What really matters is we are all safe ! " Sadikah joined her friend in true heart - felt gratitude . It didn 't take any effort or piety . It was how they really felt and it was how they sincerely prayed . Sometimes the efforts to obey God 's word are more indicative of where you stand than the difficulty of the command . by David Olson | 06 / 01 / 2011 · 0924 Build Your Daily Review I think there are about seven things to keep in mind , to make part of your daily review . First , I want to explain why I think seven is about the right number for your daily review . Second , I want to encourage you to commit to the daily review . And third , though this may seem out of order , I want to encourage you to find your seven things for daily review . People who have studied the Bible with me know that I like to find those places where numbers are clearly significant . Seven is one of those numbers in the Bible , like the seven days of creation and the repetitions of seven in the book of Revelation . ( In fact , one of the things you can do when you are reading through your Bible in a year and come to the book of Revelation , is mark in the margins the various sevens mentioned , such as , the seven churches , blessings , trumpets and so on . How many groups of seven do you think there are ? ) While I am attracted to the symbolic meaning of having seven things we review daily , I think there are practical reasons for identifying seven things . Seven seems to be simply a practical number of what we can keep in our mind . George A . Miller wrote an article , " The Magical Number Seven , Plus or Minus Two : Some Limits on Our Capacity for Processing Information . " which was originally published in The Psychological Review in 1956 . The article is worth Googling on Bing and reading for yourself . He points out through various studies how our brain seems to hold on to about seven things . More than that and we tend to forget and lose sight of some of the things we are trying to remember . There may be hundreds of things we could consider important to know and do to have a full , meaningful and successful life . But we can 't keep the hundreds of things in our mind as a useful compass for advancing through our daily life . The " baker 's half - dozen " may be manageable and useful . And who knows , there may some spiritual advantage in this also . Seven is the right number for your daily review . I think you need to commit to doing a daily review . At the start of our day , it is useful to be reminded of what is important and what we really are about . Some people don 't keep a list yet seem to stay on track through their life . I wrote awhile back about Papa Don 's inheritance . His life seemed to have been on track as though guided by a list of seven things , though I don 't think he ever kept such a list . The character qualities and life outcomes are consistent as if he did keep a list . And what some people can do without such a review list , others such as myself , need the list . I think most people would be benefited by doing a daily review . In the premarital and marriage counseling I have done , I try to get couples to identify seven important priorities in their life . These priorities tend to combine their values with how they spend their time and money . One priority for many people I counsel is church . Church is priority to these people because of spiritual values they hold and therefore they are willing to contribute financially and be involved for worship and some other activities . Our lives then , are filled with the activities of these Baker 's half - dozen of priorities . At various times in life , when things are going pretty well , it can be easy to think that we can add more priorities in our life because we have the money for them . But when you add one priority you push a previous priority out of the way . I share the insight I received from a young man who , years previous , had been in the Junior High youth group class I taught . Neat kid . You could tell he would go on in life to be successful and likable . It was no surprise when he and the pastor 's daughter in that church ended up getting married . It seemed like a match made in heaven . But a number of years later I saw him at the local Peet 's Coffee and Tea shop . They got divorced . I asked what happened , what counsel he would give others . He said that when a couple is dating , everything they do isn 't so much about the activity but about each otThe daily review is a way to be reminded of what is important and therefore what is to be pursued and guarded as we go through life . I think my friend could have had an excellent marriage if they would have remained in sync with what was really important in their lives . Commit to taking a little bit of time every day to remind yourself of what is really important , of where you have come from and where you are going . There are many uncertainties in life and we don 't know what lies ahead . But we can at least verify we are on course for what is really important . I think it is only when we are committed to review what is important that we are set to discover what should be on the list . When I have share this commitment and practice with others , they want to know what is on my list . I am afraid to tell them as it could lead them to copy what I believe are my seven things and thereby miss out on discovering what is uniquely theirs . And even if we do share all seven things , and perhaps many would have near identical lists , there is something powerful when we figure it out for ourselves instead of just being told . Still , we can consider an example in what I think needs to end up on the top of everyone 's list . I believe the first of the seven life principles for review has to be God and his kingdom . Jesus tells us the great commandment is to love the Lord our God with all our heart , mind , soul and strength . And he reasons the priority of this first principle with : What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul ? When we have our first principle in mind , a lot of the rest of life falls into place . Matthew 6 : 33 is good , practical advice : Seek first God 's kingdom and his righteousness and all the other things will be added to you . As my friend who got divorced discovered , even the number one gets pushed out of place and loses relevance when you get too busy . This is why I find it important to review seven things every day . And the first of those seven things is that I have to keep God first in my life . As I have done the daily review over the years , this first area of my review has varied some . The major principle is the same but I find , at different times in my life , different aspects of my relationship with God need to be affirmed and kept track of . So now as I think of this first priority , I am thinking of how I need to sit at Jesus ' feet and learn of him and then to be more aware during the day of staying in step with his leading . The priority also has activities which suggest themselves . So I try to take time each day for reading the Bible and to write out a prayer . But the more important aspect of the first priority is not the activities but the quality of being a life compass as I go through the day . I hope your first principle would also be to put God first in a real and practical way . And I think you might benefit from hearing my list of the remaining daily review . But , again , it wouldn 't be a good idea to just tell you my list . Who knows I might convince you , and then where would you be ? You need to give some thought to what should be on your own Seven Things Review Card . As you draft out your own list , then it makes more sense to talk about what is on our cards . I am sure we can learn Leave a comment by David Olson | 05 / 31 / 2011 · 0715 An answer to the Red Queen 's Race I while back I was talking with a friend here about the numerous things that are going on in our lives . There are many things happening in a family with lots of kids ( he has five kids and I have 8 ) , and so many issues of modern living that it is overwhelming just to do all that needs to be done . We talked about work and financial responsibilities , bills paid and necessities provided ; spiritual life , having a relationship with God and living in a Christ - like way and being part of the church ; relationships with people , wife and kids , co - workers , neighbors ; having a little space and activity for recreation and personal interests . So it is easy to be going as hard as we can from morning to evening without finishing all there is to do . We cannot do enough . Daily life can end up seeming like running as fast as you can on a rodent 's exercise wheel . This is the Red Queen 's race from Lewis Carroll 's Through the Looking - Glass : Alice was constantly running but remaining in the same spot . " Well , in our country , " said Alice , still panting a little , " you 'd generally get to somewhere else , if you run very fast for a long time , as we 've been doing . " " A slow sort of country ! " said the Queen . " Now , here , you see , it takes all the running you can do , to keep in the same place . If you want to get somewhere else , you must run at least twice as fast as that ! " Initially , when you look at issues in a full and busy life , it seems there is an easy answer . In any one particular issue , a little more time and money will allow these things to be adequately taken care of . But each area and problem in our life is clamoring for " just a little bit more . " And when you pause to take an inventory of your life and the issues you are facing at this time , it can be overwhelming . A deadening despair can result as you aren 't sure you can keep running as you have been , and you won 't get anywhere even if you can keep on running . Looking at our problems and our own resources doesn 't provide much hope for a solution . But a practical answer for our dilemma is found in Solomon 's dream as recorded in 1Kings 3 . Would you be interested to know more of what we discovered ? There are a number of ministries which have studied a lot about what happens in the end - times . Some seem to be pretty good . And others are pretty far off . It is very difficult to adequately study the various opinions out there . One thing that makes this so difficult is that people who have devoted their lives to the study of Bible prophecy have synthesized their interpretations of many different scriptures . To adequately and fairly judge one aspect of teaching can take quite a bit of study of a large number of Bible verses . Trying to study these various things can absorb one 's available time for Bible reading and subtly shift our focus from what God says in his word to what various teachers say about his word . So , no I haven 't read about the Epicenter Conference other than Joel Rosenberg 's email about it . It seems like a fine place to study and read if you want to gain some depth understanding of end - times events . ( I liked much of what I read on Joel Rosenberg 's email about the book of Joel . I sure would not want to be a world leader who was trying to divide up the land of Israel ! ) There are other groups too that could be helpful . I don 't have a list and would have trouble judging them . There are some that I don 't think merit the trust and time of study . For example , recently Harold Camping predicted the end of the world . Again . He missed it . And now I understand there is another date being given . I wouldn 't want to give time or attention there . But I think there is another way that may be better for most people . The best situation is doing what is called an inductive Bible study approach , like the one Inter - Varsity Christian Fellowship teaches or the one that the Precept Ministries uses . These really can help average Christians learn the Bible for themselves . It is great if you can find such a Bible study and have the time for it . The fruit of such Bible study is being able to better judge differing opinions and interpretations of difficult Bible passages . But some may not have time to study in depth but do have time to read their Bible daily . I think a time of daily reading is a good place to start and is completely adequate for us to be prepared for what we need for life and godliness . And so I like to encourage every Christian to read the Bible for themselves and see what insights the Lord begins to show them . I think God 's promises are true , the Holy Spirit really will guide us and teach us truth if we let him . Through consistent reading we will learn many things including some important end times facts . Because of my Bible reading , I do not feel unprepared for what God is going to do in the last days . And with reading your Bible and practicing what you learn , you will be prepared for what is really going to happen when the end times come upon us . Still , if you want to go a little further , a simple study of a key passage may be helpful . The best place to start a simple study about the end - times is Matthew 24 . Here you can read what Jesus taught his disciples . Certainly there are things in this passage that may be difficult to understand . Nonetheless , we can find some things in this passage that we can understand . In fact , I think most of what we really need to know and do is pretty clear in the Bible . As we get better informed of things that are clear we will be better prepared to grapple with things that are less clear . So let me simply guide your reading in this chapter . Get your Bible and read the passage ( Matthew 24 : 1 - 42 ) and see if you can answer what the Bible says . After this little reading we may be able to take a next step and discuss a couple of other things in greater depth if you want to post or email a question . ( 2 ) So what did the disciples ask Jesus ? ( Mt 24 : 3 ) Pay close attention to these questions . ( 3 ) The answer is given first in Matthew 24 : 4 - 31 . Before looking at different parts of the answer , read the whole section . Underline any commands , the things Jesus tells his disciples to do . And double underline where Jesus mentions the word sign . ( 4 ) I find the first two commands to be very practical , in a sense , anchor points we need when we begin to study the end - times . What is the first command ? ( Mt 24 : 4 ) Why do you think Jesus commanded this ? ( 5 ) What is happening in the world as it progresses to the end - times ? ( Mt 24 : 6 - 12 ) But are these things a clear sign that the end is near ? Why or why not ? ( 6 ) Jesus refers to a number of the troubling events that go on in the world as " birth pangs . " ( Mt 24 : 8 ) Think about this word picture . How does it help you understand that these things are not a reliable indicator of the return of Jesus ? Yet is this consistent with the fact that these things will be a part of the end times when Jesus returns ? ( 7 ) I get troubled when I think of the end - times or other periods of difficult tribulation . What does Jesus command his disciples ? ( Mt 24 : 6 ) Do you think this is a realistic response ? What things can help Jesus ' disciples respond properly in difficult and troubling times ? ( Psalm 23 ; 27 ; Philippians 4 : 4 - 7 ) ( 8 ) Looking at Matthew 24 : 4 - 31 , there seem to be a number of indicators that will be true in the end - times and may be true at various times before the end . A friend of mine has called these " symptoms " of the end . Make a list of these " symptoms " that are given in this passage . And what is the sign Jesus mentions ? ( 9 ) Are any of the " symptoms " of the return such that they could not indicate anything other than the end having arrived ? It may be helpful to mark some " symptoms " or the sign of Jesus ' coming with a plus sign if it is unlikely in your opinion to happen other than at the end of the world . ( 10 ) There are a number of other points that could be studied in this passage . And some of the things in the core part of this passage are debated by Bible scholars . So at this point I want to jump to the end of this teaching . What else does Jesus command his disciples ? ( Mt 24 : 36 - 42 ) Practically , how do you think you are to be on the alert or ready for Jesus ' return ? I understand this brief study or guided reading doesn 't get at the depth of what these things might really mean in the very end . But what Jesus commands his followers is pretty clear . It also seems pretty clear that it isn 't a good idea to try to set a particular date for the return to happen . Sometimes in - depth Bible study can lose sight of the basic commands we need to obey . If you will mark your Bible when you are reading it each day , noting the things that are pretty clear to you , things you need to apply to your daily life , I think you will find your spiritual life growing rapidly and also find yourself ready for the return of the Lord Jesus . Come quickly Lord Jesus ! by David Olson | 05 / 20 / 2011 · 2030 A Large and Opulent Inheritance When I was out in California this week , I talked with my nephew . I am not sure if he is in Junior High or High School . We talked about an inheritance his grandfather had desired for him to receive , an inheritance not of money but of character traits and examples that had come from his grandfather 's life . It was an excellent conversation . Now at home , after dinner tonight I asked my family about the inheritance they received from their grandfather , Papa Don . I asked our older kids , Katie , Daniel , Jacob and Trina , to think about getting a ten million dollar inheritance from their grandfather 's estate . - Pretend he was a multi - millionaire and he left you a lot of money . Think about how you might be really excited and how so much money might change your life , what you would do and what you would get . - Then , I said something like , Oops , I meant your inheritance is worth more than ten million dollars . Think of character traits or other aspects that you have gained from Papa Don that would be part of his inheritance to you . Katie , who has just finished her first two years in college , mentioned her Psychology degree and the PhD she is pursuing . Many people talk about how hard it is to get in the program at the university and then how difficult it is to make anything of the degree . And she said she felt her inheritance from Papa Don was the ambition to go for it and become excellent in her field . Papa Don entered a tough and competitive field and may not have started as the best but he became the best . He had an ambition and pursued his dream , accomplishing excellence in his highly competitive field . And he made it ! Katie felt that this ambition was her inheritance from Papa Don . By the way , Katie just got her grades from this last semester … she got straight A 's . I think she has been really blessed by her inheritance . Daniel , who is graduating high school this year , mentioned how Papa Don could really enjoy and savor life . How he enjoyed good wine and other nice things life has to offer . Some people get ruined or stuck - up when they have nice things . But Papa Don was able to humbly enjoy what he had . It reminded us of what Jesus said about his coming that we might have life abundantly . Papa Don had an awareness of the eternal and abundant life God had given and he really enjoyed it . Daniel remembered how his grandfather could really enjoy and savor the blessings God gave in this life . My wife Kelly mentioned how her inheritance from her dad was the relationship with him where he would receive a phone call from her as though it was the best thing that had happened to him all week . She told how he would receive her when she was a little girl , even when there were very important executives meeting with him . ( She mentioned one time going in to talk with her dad and the president of a record company was there . And this important person waited while she and her dad talked about whatever it was that was on her little girl heart . ) Jacob was pretty young when his grandfather died . When the news came of Papa Don 's death , Jacob went and hid under the table . And though he did not remember a lot of his grandfather , there was something that stood out . He mentioned Papa Don 's sense of humor and his laugh . We talked about how Papa Don had a great laugh that always lit up the room and made you feel he was laughing with you and never at you . From his laugh , you could feel in your heart a true joy that went beyond whatever funny thing you both were sharing . Jacob really enjoys telling jokes and making you smile . If God allows us to look down from heaven , I think Don often smiles at Jacob 's jokes . My daughter Trina was too young to have any specific memory . So we recalled with her the time we were all at Disneyland . Papa Don had Trina on his wheelchair and took her to the front of the crowd at the night time festivities and parade . We remembered how all the Disney characters in the parade would come over to where they were and give her a special greeting . We concluded Trina 's inheritance was being loved and made special . I think there really is not a better inheritance than knowing somebody has really loved you and thought you were very , very special . Our family friend Nancy McCray is staying with us and joined in our conversation . She said her inheritance from Don was the gift of his kindness and compassion . Don would listen to her and share a tear at sad things that had happened in her life . She felt unWe talked quite awhile after everyone had finished dinner . It was such a neat time . I wish you could have known him if you didn 't and that you could have been here with us at dinner to have enjoyed hearing what each said , and the looks on our faces as we remembered back to our special times and these character traits that have become our inheritance from our dad and grandfather . Thinking about these things , we all agreed , Papa Don has indeed given the best and richest inheritance we could ever have received ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It 's Tuesday afternoon here about 1 : 25pm my time . I have exactly 20 minutes before I have to run back to my classroom for our afternoon session . I 'm sorry for the short update . Hopefully I will get more time tomorrow . This morning I had my 5 and 6 year olds for 4 and 1 / 2 hours on 1 and 1 / 2 hours worth of curriculum . We spent a lot of time outside : ) They are really excited to be in class and seeing friends they only get to see a couple of times a year . The missionaries are very appreciative of our willingness to be here . Someone told me that this time for them is so important because they get to worship with others like them in their own native tongue . It 's one thing to participate with others that you lead in their language and another to worship in your own . I have this kids for another 4 hours this afternoon we have swimming on the list of things to do , so that will help fill some of the time . Dinner is at 6pm and then we have babysitting for those families who would like it . They were so excited that we were willing to babysit tonight . I don 't think it happens often for some of them . Seeing as I haven 't quite adjusted to Africa time ( I was up at 4 : 30 here wide awake ! ) I am tired , so please pray for my stamina . There is a lot of day left ! and on top of all this Randy e - mailed and told me we have someone interested in our house . They are making a decision between us and two others . Please pray for that too . They will want to move quickly I 've been told , so we would have to move fast if they chose our house . I am missing everyone there , but enjoying the sunshine . I knew it was supposed to rain all this week from weather . com , but apparently it 's a lot like Florida where it can rain every day and still be beautiful for most of it . I am already sunburned from a mere 30 minutes yesterday out and about ! ! Thanks for your prayers . I am praying for you too ! So I made it to Johannesburg , South Africa . It was an eventful and boring trip all at the same time . ( Long lines to stand in , and lots of sitting . ) The conference center we are staying in is beautiful . There are summer flowers blooming everywhere and the temperature is around 70 degrees . The sun is shining and warm though . The flight was 17 hours long . Not much sleeping happened , though I saw a few movies I hadn 't seen yet and finished a good book . Today we meet with our missionary leaders and set up classrooms for Bible school . The kids come at 4pm for our first classes . I have 7 five and six years olds . I can 't wait to meet them ! My prayer request for today is that we are able to really serve these missionaries who work everyday for the cause of Christ in Africa . This is supposed to be a refreshing retreat for them so please pray that they be rejuvenated and joyful . I write more as I get the chance . Thanks for your prayers and support . This Christmas season has been a full one . We have had a lot on our plate as a family and it has not always been easy . I have been making lists like crazy and even writing things down I 've already done just to be able to cross something off my list . Then I lose the list and have to start another one which includes things I missed on the first list but leaves other things off . Then of course I find the first list and lose the second . And then I find myself looking at three separate lists to make sure I have covered everything on all three ! did I confuse you ? Now you know how I feel . So about the time that I think everything is under control and I start feeling smug about all I have accomplished . I walk downstairs with a suitcase in my hand to have Randy say , oh by the way we are showing the house at 10am tomorrow . At that point after I pick myself up off the floor I have to laugh . It 's all just too funny ! So it 's now time for me to go . I am sitting in front of the computer with bags packed . I still need to finish putting together my carry on bag and my very large " purse " Randy is the best packer ever ! With a 50lb limit per bag he managed to get 48lbs in each bag ! I have two suitcases full of markers , glue sticks , paper , puzzles , books and every good thing imaginable . All of my friends and family have been absolutely amazing to provide so much stuff to take . On my own I could never have provided all the good things they got for the kids in Africa . Thank You Thank you Thank you to all . You know who you are ! I will send more specific thank yous and pictures when I get back . I know many of you reading this will be checking up on me while I travel . I think I will have a computer available the first four days , but after that I really don 't know . Those will be the days that I am in Soweto and probably the days I will need the most prayer . From what we have been told the area we are heading is not a good one . But people there need so much of what God has to offer . The hardest part of this putting feet to my faith across an ocPosted by Ethan and I had a night out last night . Randy had some things going on after work and the older two had a youth event at the Plaza , so we went out for dinner and to do a little Christmas shopping . I look at him and wonder where time went . I know its such a cliche to say that , but really ! When the kids were little and I felt like I was never going to get to leave the house again , I would have argued when people told me that . ( Actually I think maybe I did ) I knew in my heart that time would go quickly and one day they would be all grown up , but there were days that it just couldn 't come fast enough . I had such a good time with him . After fajitas at Chilli 's we went to Borders and picked out a CD for his teacher . It had to be just right , so we spent a lot of time looking for what we thought might be good , then listening to the demo to check it out . Then more time picking out a gift for his brother and sister . ( His idea and money , not mine . ) I snuck in a gift for him , then sent him on an errand when it came time to pay . Unfortunately he has gotten too old to fall for that so when we got in the car he asked which book I bought him . When I asked what made him think I actually bought him anything he just smiled and said it was too convenient for me to have sent him to find something when I was paying . I remember the days when I could take the kids to Walmart , buy their presents , and they wouldn 't have a clue ! He took the remainder of the fajitas for lunch today . It was mostly onions and peppers left , I bet he is going to smell really good after lunch . Thank goodness , for everyone 's sake , its a half day ! I know that 's a terrible thing for me to say . Christmas is never about the commercialism and that 's not exactly what I mean . But I 've had a hard time getting excited about the season this year . That 's unusual for me . I love Christmas ; the decorating , the family , the gift buying , especially the meaning . Not just baby Jesus and the miracle of His birth , but the promise of the cross . This Christmas I just haven 't been into it , I don 't know if it 's because I 've had too much to do to really think about it , or if it 's just an off year . I think one reason it 's harder this year is because we haven 't been able to do anything for other families . Usually God brings someone up to us who needs help . We don 't go looking for it , it just happens . This year it hasn 't happened , probably because we aren 't in a position to help anyone ! The snow this morning and driving to Target to buy some stocking stuffers for the kids finally did what nothing else had done to this point . I was listening to Christmas music taking Ethan to school ( driving around people who simply lose what little sense they have when it snows ) and it came to me ! Boom just like that . A desire for Christmas . It helped when I checked out and the woman behind the register asked how I was . I said " Marvelous " , and she said " Me too ! " instead of looking at me like I was completely nuts . And now that I am snug and warm in my house , enjoying the snow from the inside it 's even better . God is so good . He has provided for our every need . I know that , I 've known it all along , I just have this tendency to doubt , to take my eyes off of Him like Peter walking on water . To get distracted from God miraculous working and look at the circumstances in which I find myself . To rely on my own abilities instead of on God 's plan . To doubt God 's sufficiency . I 've always known I had a lot in common with Peter . ( Obviously I am talking about the Peter pre - Pentecost . ) I only pray that God can make me into someone who vaguely resembles the Peter who lived the rest of his life committed to God . I know , Posted by I am working at Ethan 's elementary school this week . Usually the dropping barometer and snow mean crazy kids but yesterday the kids weren 't crazy at all . The teachers on the other hand ! ! ! ! ! As it started sleeting and snowing the we began to see small groups of teachers discussing the weather conditions . We all knew the schools wouldn 't let out early , that never happens anymore . But the question was would it stay bad enough to warrant a snow day tomorrow ? Oh the memories ! We laugh when we think about the days as kids when we got up on snowy dark days only to have mom or dad say " Snow day , no school " Did that mean we went back to bed ? absolutely not . We had a whole day filled with the anticipation of the unknown . Nothing on the schedule . No place to be but on the couch in our pj 's as long as we wanted to be ! As an adult though I think the anticipation of a snow day is even better . The thought of not having to drag out early to scrape and scramble ; of spending an unexpected day home with no time taken from our pool of meager sick days . That is almost too much for our happy hearts to handle ! ! As the day progressed it was pretty obvious that the snow day wouldn 't occur , but that first bloom and spark of excitement , the " what if . . . . . . " it was fun to relive those memories . Until Emma crawled in my bed this morning wanting it to be a snow day , only to be disappointed . I told them last night it wouldn 't happen , but they didn 't believe me ! I guess that will just make it that much more fun when it does happen ! I just read back through the previous post , it sounds a little high and mighty and I certainly didn 't mean for that ! I have found in the last couple of years the more God asks of me , especially the more speaking I do , the more He has a tendency to beat me up about things ! I guess that 's so I will have something to talk about ! I have been struggling to come up with what to say when I speak at the church in Johannesburg . It feels a little strange to me to think about talking and sharing with people who 's situations are so different than mine . Not that I don 't think all Gods children are the same no matter what continent we live on , but that our life circumstances are so different . I find it hard to offer comfort to a woman with several children , no job or income , very little in terms of material goods , no male support and little food or money . Will she look at me and think " who are you to speak to me about hope ? " During church on Sunday morning though a thought came to me that Jesus offers peace in all circumstances . Not peace necessarily in life events , but peace of heart . Paul says in Philippians 4 : 12 - 13 " I know what it is to be in need , and I know what it is to have plenty . I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation , whether well fed or hungry , whether living in plenty or in want . I can do everything through Him who gives me strength . " NIVMaybe that 's where my focus should be in terms of how I share . I can 't offer them financial security or physical safety , but the God I know can offer peace that comes in all circumstances . And He is more than able to offer joy that comes with that peace . No material thing I take can offer that . So I am back again in my life to the statement that its not about me . You 'd think I would have learned that by now ! Nothing I have to offer people accomplishes anything ! But the God I serve ? He can accomplish all things ! Posted by " I will thank the LORD with all my heart ; I will declare Your wonderful works . I will rejoice and boast about You , I will sing about your name Most High " Psalm 9 : 1 - 2I was reading these verses this morning , and I was challenged by them . How often in my prayer do I thank God ? I mean I know I thank God , but it 's usually mixed in with requests and praise , not simply thanks . So in my prayer time today I prayed those verses and just started writing a prayer thanking God . Starting with the basics . Thank you for my family , my children their health and happiness etc . I found myself though , having to stop from adding the request to bless them , or to draw them nearer to Himself . Not that I don 't want them blessed , but I really felt like God was just asking me to thank Him . Things are crazy at home . We have been working hard to put our house on the market . That terrifies me ! I am trusting that we are acting in Gods timing and will . I don 't know where we are going if we sell . We are struggling financially , Randy is working , but at a temporary job that pays a lot less than we are used to . I am getting ready in a little more than three weeks to go halfway around the world to South Africa . My oldest is in his first year of homeschool and I have had to go back to work . There is a lot zipping through my head ! ! But today I am going to simply thank God and rejoice in who He is . I will sing about His Most High name . I will boast about Him . No requests , no supplication just thanks So like every good American I am thinking of all the things for which I give thanks this week . Family , food and shelter ( which I have a special thanks for given Randy 's work situation ) but mostly Grace , undeserved . God chooses to show me grace everyday by not giving me what I deserve , but His desire for my life . One thing I am telling myself is that God 's best is much better than anything I can come up with . I know that , but then I start trying to figure things out instead of just resting in God . I 'm not good at resting . I need a plan , I need to know what the next step is , or maybe even the next 10 steps . God is teaching me to rest right now . I know that and I still can 't do it . We have bills we can 't pay . We have Christmas presents to buy . I have a Mission Trip to pay for ! In Psalm 46 it says " God is our refuge and strength , an ever present help in trouble . Therefore we will not fear , though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea , " and then later in verse 10 " Be still and know that I am God " It 's a trust thing I know . I 'm just a really slow learner . Then every time I think I get it , I forget and start over . Thank you God for Grace undeserved . Posted by So after my sojourn in 7th grade , I brought the germs home to prove it and I 've been sick for days . Crummy way to start my " I can 't believe I 've got so much to do Thanksgiving / Christmas / South Africa trip panic " So the kids , wonderful children that they are agreed to help me get the house cleaned for company . I think they were just feeling sorry for me because I look really bad and sound worse . That 's okay , I 'll take what I can get : ) My brother and his family are coming in town today ! I haven 't seen him in a year , and his family in two . I can 't wait ! Another reason the kids are so willing to help me out , I think they plan on disappearing with the cousins for the next four days and hope my good feelings about them helping lasts long enough that I won 't notice they are gone . Anyone have a burning desire to go back to seventh grade ? For me not so much ! That wasn 't exactly my favorite time of life . But this week I 'm back in middle school , kinda sorta . ( I took a substitute position , for four days at Em 's school , her choir teacher had a baby unexpectedly on Monday and her long term sub wasn 't quite ready . ) It 's kind of an interesting view , remembering my own experiences and watching students today . It 's been so long since I was in a middle school classroom on a regular basis , but some things never change ! The desire to be different , just like my friends . The need to put down in order to feel " built up " . The isolation you see evident in some kids eyes right in the middle of a group . It was also great to see the kindness offered by some students to others . Just scooting over and making room for a special needs student who couldn 't find a place to sit . The huge pile of coats in the lunchroom for the Project Warmth coat drive . The 45 shoeboxes put together by the schools FCA group ! A table in the lunchroom of 8th grade girls who are all part of a student led accountability group . Just like in the world of adults there are the bright beacons of Christ 's likeness in the midst of all the other stuff . Even if I leave at the end of the day completely exhausted ( which I do ! ) I still leave more encouraged than dejected ! It 's a great feeling to see young adults leading Christ centered and called lives . Funny , Obviously I 've " been away " for a while . I got so worried about what to say I didn 't say anything and I think that 's the anti blog thought . So new leaf same concept . I 've got a new place to point my feet toward . I am heading to South Africa in a few weeks . I 'm going with a group on a mission trip to the city of Johannesburg . Yikes ! Big step for my little feet , or my little faith whichever fits . I 've still got money to raise and things to do to get ready . It really doesn 't seem possible that I 'm going . It feels like its someone else I 'm talking about ! But it 's an adventure in faith for me . To add a little excitement to those preparations we have decided to put our house on the market . I think that idea is actually worthy of a whole lot of comments on it 's own . Bad time to do it market wise , time of year is bad , but when God says do , we do . So today I am busy painting , cleaning and re - arranging , hoping I get called in to work to escape all I have to do and leave it in my dear and darling husbands lap , and hoping I don 't get called in to work in order to actually try to bring order to our chaos ! Anybody want a house ? Can you tell I 've started a new project ? Blogging , who would of thought it . My friend Candice got me started thinking about it several months ago . I love to read her blog , just the snipet I see of her day , how the kids are doing and all that . But then I spent last weekend in Lincoln Nebraska with other like minded women discussing an evangelism emphasis for our denomination . Now I 've got jobs to do , conference descriptions to write , pictures to take , busy busy busy ! I have to admit it helps to have a focus . The whole thought of the lazy days of summer is fun . Just me and the kids , swimming , exploring , hanging out . But reality is when that is all that 's on my agenda we are lucky to accomplish anything . Most of the time we get up late , lay around discussing what to do , and before we know it the day is gone . Or at least its time to get ready for baseball and or softball . When I have a project I schedule my time . I know I have to accomplish something big and I have a limited amount of time to do it . Getting started might be hard . There is so much to do I 'm not quite sure where to begin . I 'm not even sure how to break it down to manageable bites . It just takes jumping in with both feet and flailing for a minute or two . Then it all settles around me and I can see the big picture . That 's where I am today . Needing to jump in with both feet and flail ! I 'm just procrastinating the big jump . What does that mean " Feet to my Faith " ? It means stepping out and living the life that God has called me to live . It means doing instead of talking and going instead of watching . It 's a call to stop living life invisibly . It asks the question " what aren 't you doing ? " instead of " what are you doing ? " Putting feet to my faith is a lifestyle of telling others about who God is .

As you have probably noticed my posting has fallen off pretty dramatically since Summer started . The first half was due to our travel schedule . The second half ? It has been much harder . My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on July 23rd . Every time I have tried to post since then I am able to write only a couple sentences and then my mind wonders or just goes blank . I am now writing this post from my moms bedside as I watch her sleep in the ICU at the Cleveland Clinic . Right now we are looking at days until this part of the story ends . . . I wrote that on Sunday , September 8th . My Mother passed away peacefully on Wednesday , September 11th surrounded by her family . We were lucky enough to get 51 days to say our good byes , I love yous and everything else we wanted to say . It still wasn 't enough for any of us . One of the hardest things I have ever done was to write and deliver her eulogy at the funeral . I have two sisters and my father but this was something that I felt I had to do . Words aren 't enough to describe her and if you were ever around her or my family you would be able to see and feel the things my Mom would do that made her so special . Following is the gift I gave to my Mother . something I was able to witness for 36 years of being around them . We did it as a family . As you may or may not know we moved around growing up but every time it My mom could light up a room with her smile . The twinkle in her eye never went out . She was so happy for us kids as we found our Earlier this week I got the opportunity to talk to Art Eddy and Ryan Hamilton from Life of Dad . This turned into a podcast . If you don 't follow me on Twitter or Facebook ( hint hint ) I linked it there . Now I have linked it here . Hope you enjoy listening to it as much as I enjoyed doing it . Music that doesn 't suck is back ! ! ! To honor its return I am dedicating this song to my mom who gave me my first music memory . I don 't remember exactly when this was but what I do remember my mom putting this record on and listening to " The Gambler " . It 's odd what you remember in your life but this is one of my favorite memories and how vivid it comes back to me when I hear this song is really remarkable . Enjoy ! After a crazy summer I 'm back with questions for EJ . I have been getting regular requests from EJ to ask her more questions so here you go . The blog should be picking up again with EJ starting preschool in a couple weeks . As before , all these responses are EJ 's recorded by me . EJ - Yes ( why ? ) Because I am going to meet new friends . I am nervous about going to school because I don 't know my new teacher , I hope it is a girl . Q - What are you going to do at preschool ? Hi everyone . It has been too long since I have been on here . To kick things off with me back in the saddle I bring you questions for EJ . EJ asked me this morning for more questions and since I 'm her dad I can 't say no to that . You know the drill send me questions in comments here or on Facebook . I can already tell these questions are going to be easy Happy 4th of July ! On this day I think of my Grandmother 's journey just to get to this country . This is the story in her words : My Dad came here in 1921 , from what is now Slovenia , leaving behind our Mom and my sister Mary and me - ages 4 and 2 . It took 7 years for him to be able to send for us . So in 1928 , my Mom packed everything she could , into 2 large suitcases and we sadly kissed our grandmother goodbye . My uncle took us to board the train for Ljubljana , our largest city , where we met up with about 20 others who were leaving by train for Le Havre , France , the port near Paris , where we were to board the French Liner - Ile De France - sailing to America . . The ocean trip took about 4 ½ days . One day the fog horns were blasting away - we were saluting a ship going East - their fog horns sounded in salute also - the noise was deafening - It was the steamship America bound for Europe . Two huge ships passing in the middle of the ocean ! ! ! I think many of the passengers came on deck to see this . And again when we sailed into NY harbor very early in the morning of June the 6TH , , everyone was on deck to see the Statue of Liberty . Many people cried , their emotions were so overwhelming ! ! On Ellis Island , we were given physicals , and our papers were checked . Some people were sent back , for whatever reason . I wonder at how efficient the whole process was . It didn 't take long , considering the large numbers . We were met by a Slovenian travel agent who escorted us to a train He pinned identification tags on us - with our names and destination . On the train , there was a man carrying a huge tray supported by a band around his neck - he was selling cigarettes and candy . We pleaded with our Mom to buy us the candy , but she refused - she didn 't know how much it would take of the money she had . Two men sitting across the aisle form us bought us the candy and we thanked them in Slovenian , as we didn 't know a word of English ! ! We slept on the train , and the next morning the conductor who had been put in charge of us , came and put us off the train in Youngstown , where our Dad was waiting . Happy Day ! ! ! Hey ! Lots to be happy about today . . . 4 day weekend coming up , nice weather and most importantly healthy kids . Today we made a trip to a heart specialist for M due to a heart murmur that hasn 't gone away . I tried my best up until today not to freak out about it mostly because M 's pediatrician wasn 't worried . Once you are in the office and the nurse comes in and does her thing and leaves and then a resident ( I think ) comes in and leaves and then the main doctor comes in and listens to his heart for what felt like 45 minutes you start to worry . No need though it is what is called an " innocent murmur " which means it should go away on its own and our Dr . was right , no worries . Hi everyone . Miss me ? We went on a trip with the kids for 11 days to California , Oregon & Washington . Between packed days and early nights blogging took a back seat . I would say I 'm looking forward to some normalcy but we got home on a Sunday and left on that Friday to head to Jersey for the weekend for a wedding . Anyways , here is part 1 of the breakdown of the trip : Thursday - Fly from Chicago to San Francisco . . . kids were pretty good on the flight and M actually slept for some of it . Stopped by a Target to get some stuff we didn 't want to bring / didn 't fit in our bags and then continued on to Santa Cruz . The impetus behind this trip was a friend 's wedding in Santa Cruz , so we stayed here until Sunday . EJ & El hanging at the hotel Santa Cruz was great ! They have an old time boardwalk with rides and games which the kids loved . We walked on the beach and out on the wharf where we saw some sea lions . The highlight for me , though , was being woken up one of the nights at 3 in the morning by EJ screaming " Daddy ! Daddy ! Help me ! I can 't get out ! " I walk out to where she was sleeping ( fold out couch ) and somehow she is under the fitted sheet in the middle of the bed like she burrowed under it or something . The fitted sheet is still tucked in all the way around so I have no idea how it happened . This ride was a big hit with M . EJ had some issues making the plane go up . The wedding was up in the mountains outside of Santa Cruz in a redwood forest . We had to take a 45 minute train ride to this awesome clearing called " Cathedral Grove . " Very picturesque and unique . Adults only wedding so we had my SIL come up from San Diego to hang with the kids ( adults night out yea ! ) . Figured you needed a pic of the wedding for proof . If you have been following these posts you know of my love of NPR 's Tiny Desk Series . Their desk moved across town to a new office and to celebrate it they enlisted the Chicago band OK Go to help them . If you don 't know OK Go they are the guys with the catchy songs and videos like this or this . Anyways here is the video of the move . Enjoy . . . Happy Wednesday ! I had my parents in town this weekend and they just left yesterday . It was great having them around but now I am trying to catch up with everything . A big hello to all the new followers that came over from Dad on the Run . To the new people here Wednesday is music day here . I started doing this to fight off all of the awful , crappy kids music that torments me day and night . The band this week , Temples , has a strong Beatles sound . Enjoy . . . Oh and the real reason anyone comes to this page . . . a picture of my kids . Yes , that is a double piggy - back ride . Don 't try this at home Hope you all had a great weekend . The weather here wasn 't the best but was perfect for the 10k I ran on Sunday morning ( 45 : 08 yeah I 'm pretty proud of that ) . EJ is back with her answers . Thank you for all your questions . I will save them and include some of them in the next round . These are all EJ 's responses recorded by me . Q : What is your favorite type of music or song and why ? A : Eat cereal for breakfast . Go with her friend V to the Nature Museum . Go to a restaurant for lunch and eat grilled cheese . Go to a park ( the one near our house , I asked since she has wanted to go to only new parks lately ) . Eat sloppy joes for dinner at home and eat chocolate cake for dessert . Watch a show and go to bed . A : With sand and water . ( How did the sand get there ? ) They put it there ( Who ) I don 't know Dad ( rolls eyes ) A : I get to pick M up . ( we don 't want you to pick him up ) Oh . Why not ? I 'm good at it . OK ! Showing M what to do when you won 't play with him , you know when you are cooking dinner and can 't play with him . Oh and I get to chub his cheeks ( chub is a verb in our family ) I love Blitzen Trapper 's well crafted songs and their melodies are always great . Big shout out to my buddy Joe who I believe introduced me to this band . The clip here is from a few years ago but still great . Enjoy . . . Travelling home tomorrow from our trip . We had a great time and the kids were better than we could have asked for . Golf , sun & sand was just what the doctor ordered . Now on to the main reason for the post . . . You wanted it you got it ! EJ is back answering your questions . Now that she is 4 you really need to bring it if you want to try an stump her . Remember EJ knows it all and has been asking for more questions . Please post questions on the blog or Facebook page by Thursday night and I will ask her and post her responses on Friday . You can see her responses to the last round of questioning here . As I mentioned in my post yesterday we left on vacation a trip to Hilton Head , SC . I think I made the mistake of calling it a vacation yesterday and I am sorry for doing so . A vacation is supposed to be relaxing and when you return home you feel rejuvenated . Travelling with kids is neither relaxing or rejuvenating . Case in point here was our breakdown of yesterday : Whew ! I have been up since 5 : 30am and travelling all day . We are on vacation down in Hilton Head , SC for a little while . EJ 's birthday is today as well . . . too much fun . In honor of her birthday I will pick a song she likes right now . . . Gotye 's " Somebody I Used to Know " . I saw Gotye in concert around the time this song was starting to get some play and he played it early in the set . It told me that he was confident in his other music and he didn 't disappoint . Anyways this is a cool cover of the song by Walk off the Earth - 5 people playing 1 guitar . Enjoy . . . Hi everyone . Busy but fun weekend . Saturday we had the kids pictures taken because their 4th and 2nd birthdays are coming up , went to a street festival and had some friends over from the burbs and ended up the night hanging out on the street with some neighbors . Sunday involved watching my wife 's cousin 's kid while they went to a Cubs game , had a friend of EJ over with her parents for a playdate and sprinkler / outside time for the kids . Somewhere in there I was able to fit in a 6 mile run so all was not lost . Enough about me . . . on to the links . We have a sand table but most of this post is spot on with my feelings about sand . The guy who wrote this is hilarious . Check out his post about Max and Ruby . A bunch of dad bloggers wrote about depression . I have had my battles with it and reading these posts make me feel like I 'm not alone . Maybe , someday I will write about it . You may recall my post about Mr . Mom . Here are the Top 7 things never to tell a SAHD . I would probably have added a couple more but these are good . Back at it on another beautiful Wednesday here in sunny Chicago . This 4 song set by Wilco on NPR 's Tiny Desk Series is perfect to sit outside and listen to . Enjoy . . . If you couldn 't tell from this , this or this EJ definitely has her own opinions . Proof of that came again yesterday . EJ did something that required her have a time out . Time out over I turn to EJ and tell her I wasn 't happy about what she did but I love her . This is the conversation that follows : Hope you all had a great Mother 's Day weekend . We went to Cleveland this weekend where my family lives . It was a good / busy trip as my wife 's whole family was there as well for a baby shower for her cousin . To make it more interesting the in - laws all stayed at my parents with us . . . talk about family time . This weekend I went to a museum with EJ , celebrated EJ 's & M 's birthdays , was used by my kids and their cousins as a human jungle gym , ate at a restaurant that may or may not be owned by the Irish Mob , golfed ( horribly ) , went to the pre - baby shower party , had brunch with my mom , and got to see a friend . Needless to say it was a busy weekend but fun was had by all . We drove back early this morning ( Monday ) which will hopefully result in the kids going to bed early so I can do the same . Men ! Do you need to get something for a special woman in your life ? My sister - in - law has some cool stuff ( well at least most women I know think it is ) over on her site . Oh and she also blogs about all sorts of things too ( like family visiting ) . Mother 's Day photo I have a fantastic wife who is a wonderful mother to our kids . I have an amazing mother who has helped me become a better parent . I still remember when I was little playing checkers with my now 93 year old grandma and sitting on the davenport with my other grandma eating pizza . I am lucky . Happy Wedne . . . errr , Thursday ! I saw Rodrigo y Gabriela at Summerfest in Milwaukee a few year ago . Their high energy show was something to see . I highly recommend seeing them if you have a chance ( July 24th in Chicago would be a great father 's day present ) What they can do with their guitars is amazing . Bonus today since I am a day late in getting this up you get the NPR Tiny Desk version so you get a couple extra songs . Enjoy . . . Hi everyone . It is a beautiful day here in Chicago . Kids are napping and I am sitting outside typing this . Nap time for EJ is starting to go away so I need to treasure this time now . Made pizza with the kids Friday night . I put some pictures below . They don 't do justice to the mess we created , it was great . Saturday , I went to MCA Day Chicago . It was a charity celebrating Adam Yauch ( aka MCA ) of the Beastie Boys who lost his battle with cancer last year . The reason I went was to support a very good friend and his family 's foundation that funds research towards head & neck cancer . Oh and She 's Crafty an all female Beastie Boys cover band was headlining it . One of the other acts performing was a bluegrass band that covered a couple Beastie Boys songs that were surprisingly good . The highlight might have been the end of the night ending here . I heard about parents in Brooklyn that don 't use diapers a couple weeks ago and I don 't think I could ever do this . I love The Onion . I just hope I can be as successful as the guy in the story A SAHD reality tv show ? I 'm sure it will shine a great light on stay at home dads and dads in general . I guess there are two other shows in the works on other channels . A : I asked her on Monday . She kept telling me she needed to think about it more . I asked her again that night and she said she needed to sleep on it . I asked her in the morning and she said she was still thinking about it but today she would know the answer . I asked her Tuesday night before bed and she sat there a second deep in thought and came up with this answer . A : Can I think about it for a little bit ? Me - how long ? EJ - about 20 minutes ( 2 minutes later ) I think I know now . Yes I know it is Thursday and I am talking about what I did last weekend , sue me . Sunday morning my wife and I were signed up to run in a 5k in our neighborhood . The best part about this plan ? Fitness ? Accomplishing something ? Nope , the kids stayed at our friends house since we had to be out the door early and I wasn 't going to push them in a stroller for 3 . 1 miles while they asked me all sorts of questions ( Daddy why are you wheezing ? Daddy , why are you clutching your left arm ? Daddy , why are you laying down ? Oooh , oooh , Daddy , Daddy , an AMBULANCE ! ! ! ! ) . Drop the kids off at our friends house ( thanks E & D ! ) and what I thought would be a nice relaxing night without kids turns into a trip to Home Depot on a Saturday night so I can fix the toilet . My wife volunteered to come and we pick up what was needed and some stuff that wasn 't needed and start to head home . Wife - Think we can stop at McDonalds and get a sundae ? Got home . Ate sundae . Fixed toilet . Went to bed . At least we didn 't have enough time for Bed Bath and Beyond . . . Photo of a kid because really isn 't that why you are here ? Happy Wednesday ! Warm weather always makes me want to listen to the Backspin Channel on Sirius ( old school rap / hip hop ) . This is one of my all time favorites . Enjoy . . . Ok , I am going to try something new out . EJ , my 3 ( almost 4 ) year old has told me that she doesn 't need to go to school because she knows everything . I now need your help . . . ask her a question . It can be whatever you want and on Friday I will post her answers . Be creative and have fun ! Bring it ! We have had pretty good weather the past two days ( finally ) so I have been out walking around the neighborhood running errands with the kids quite a bit . It is interesting to see them get excited about different things as we are out . Yesterday EJ saw her favorite truck , a cement mixer , 5 times . Yes she counted . Every time she went nuts . M on the other hand got excited at trucks , buses and construction equipment , telling me the color of the vehicle each time . Today as we head out for errands I get an idea . . . riding the train . About halfway through the errands the kids were getting a little restless . Perfect time to negotiate . . . they are good for the rest of the errands and we will go on the train . Worked like a charm . Waiting for the train . Headband was mom 's idea this morning . I have been reading things about what to say to your kids about these tragedies and I don 't get it . Now my kids are almost 4 & 2 but at least a couple of the articles I read targeted a 4 year old . I find no reason to tell them about it because : 1 . how will they find out any other way 2 . it will open up all sorts of questions EJ in particular doesn 't need to be asking yet . What will me telling my kids about these things ( or any in the near future ) accomplish ? Make me feel better ? I don 't know . I 'm not naive , bad stuff happens but can 't my kids be that way for a little longer ? Posted by Ok its been long enough , The Avett Brothers are coming back and you get to hear the full band this time . Although this is one of their slower songs it is very powerful . I highly recommend seeing them live , the energy they put forth on stage is incredible . Anyways , on to the music . Enjoy . . . Busy day so I had M take his nap early so we can get some stuff done this afternoon . M sleeps for around 3 hours so I had time to play with EJ some games that only she can play and help her with her workbook . After doing that for a bit EJ decided she wanted to lay down for a little bit and asked me to wake her up when M got up . M gets up and I play with him for a little bit and then send him in to wake EJ up . At some point in her sleep EJ knocked her stuffed frog off her bed . M walked over and picked it up and whispered " EJ . . . here " and then patted her back . So cute . EJ just rolled over and kept sleeping , now facing him . M 's next move ? He took the soft basketball nearby and bounced it off her head . . . Brotherly love only goes so far . We had our kitchen cabinets repainted last week . Part of that process involved us getting new hinges . For some reason the type of hinge we needed was sold at one place in all of Chicago and they didn 't have enough . No problem , we ordered new hinges and they came today . Our beautiful newly painted cabinets Now on to the kids . . . M & EJ were playing great together so I figured I would hang the rest of the cabinet doors . The kids were coloring right by me at their little table when I started and about halfway through EJ asked M to go upstairs with her to her room to color the cardboard house she has up there . When I heard EJ ask M I was happy since she usually doesn 't want him in her room let alone coloring her house . What great kids , right ? Yes , that is marker on her face , arms and hands . M has it on his face , arms , hands and , as I found out when I changed his , diaper his legs . EJ thought it made her look " extra special " . Once I got past the initial shock I started laughing and haven 't stopped since . At least they were playing well together . Sick kids this week has slowed me down from blogging . Hopefully they get better soon since we have a busy weekend coming up . Anyways , that 's not what this post is about . It 's music time ! I went to a show on Monday with a buddy and really liked the opening band , The Lonely Forest . Enjoy . . . When we were looking to move from our townhouse into a house in the city last year we brought the kids along . It was a good way for us to see how kid friendly the house was and also it was always funny to hear EJ 's responses . When we finally settled on the house we wanted we asked EJ what she thought of it . EJ 's response was " There are no swings , no slide , and no monkey bars ! " We got the house but we still had the problem of no swing set . There is a park 3 - 4 blocks away but that wouldn 't do for miss EJ . Our solution ? Nothing beats an early morning slide in your PJs

Laying in bed this past Friday night I found myself tossing and turning , and mentally debating the amount of therapy my children may need someday . I couldn 't stop worrying about how I had acted that evening , and I began judging myself ( … something I do more than I would like . Ugh , parenthood ! ) You see , earlier that night I had been sitting on the bleachers at my daughter 's baseball practice shouting out advice . It sounds a lot like this : I do this often , and find myself being one of the only parents that shouts from the bleachers . I 've always felt like these reminders are needed , a parenting habit that I 'm assuming never dies ? It 's pure habit to always give advice , reminders , criticism , and encouragement . Except sometimes it seems like there is a lot more criticism and reminders coming out of my mouth . I forget that there are coaches on the field , and I should probably keep my mouth shut . I 've even heard the comment , " Wow , you 're harder on her than I am , " from her Coach . Which should have been a red flag , but I ignored it . Stupidly . To be fair , I am also always cheering , for my child and other children , because I know kids need that . Yet I 'm also the mom I have silently judged before . The mom that yells from the stands and won 't be quiet . The mom that gets a little TOO into how the game is played , and how my kids are doing . I 'm not obnoxious ( I hope ) , I 'm not mean or violent , but I watch it all like a hawk , and I 'm not shy about mothering my child from the bleachers . I 'm the helicopter mom of the baseball stands , if you will . Which I don 't want to be ! I 'm not like that anywhere else , besides at home just being a mom , but somehow I find that when I step on a sports field I become someone else . I want to be the mom that my kids enjoy having in the stands . Always watching , always encouraging . I want to let the Coaches do their job and be a little more quiet . I want to criticize less and let them learn the game on their own , instead of always shouting out corrections and advice . I want my kids to light up when they see me in the stands , and be happy to see me there . They don 't need me for sports advice ( because let 's be honest , I 'm no sports expert ) , they need be to just be there . To be present and happy not critical . I was thinking the other day , about how young I was when I got married , yet how old I felt at the time . I felt grown up and like I knew what the world was about . ( Ha ! ) I felt like I had waited forever to be married , that we had waited too long and like it was dragged out . Which is so ridiculous now that I look back . I was just a baby then . I was 19 when I met my husband , we were in college and he was my love the last two years of my time there , and he is still . We moved in together right after I graduated , because he was in the Coast Guard and was being stationed somewhere far , and I couldn 't bear to be far apart from him . I was 21 and had no idea what I was doing . We almost got married right then , too , because it would have been easier to at that point , with the military and moving and insurance and such . We held off , though , because it felt rushed and not right . ( Though we both agree now we should have . Hindsight , right ? ) Moving to a foreign country and living with your boyfriend at a young age , when you 've only ever lived with your family or sorority sisters , is weird . The adjustment is something that both of us found difficult , but never really spoke about until later . I was so trusting and full of the knowledge that we were doing the right thing , I just leaped . It was a huge leap of faith , if you will . We moved again when he got into flight school , and got engaged the next year when I was 23 . I felt like I waited FOREVER for that engagement ring , which makes me look back and laugh . What was my rush ? We then got married a little bit after my 24th birthday , during his flight school graduation , and the biggest hurricane I 've ever seen . I look at the pictures and think we look like babies . ( We were . ) I realize others get married younger than us , but I feel like we had no idea what we were doing . Probably because we didn 't . All I knew was that he was my best friend and love and that he and I were meant to be . I didn 't know how we would parent together , or that we would fight over the same things over anExcept , ten years later , it works . I look back and can see I had no idea who I was ten years ago , and not really even an idea of who he was . I thought I did , but I had only scratched the surface . We 've grown up together . I 've been with him through college , OCS , Flight School , five moves , two kids , and countless other situations that have tested our marriage . I 've changed and so has he , but we have done so together . I 've never lived alone , or been the independent , free woman I once dreamed I would be . I most often think what I have is so much better than what I once dreamed . I have someone who knows me inside and out , the ugly parts only he sees , and the good parts , too . He loves me regardless , as I do him . I think a lot of it is luck , really . I can see how marrying young can backfire , because when you marry before you truly know who you are and what you want , you might grow away from your spouse . Your needs and wants may change , and so may his . Except marriage is hard no matter what , right ? It takes compromise and sacrifice and patience , whether you are 19 or 49 . Age may be a factor in that you know yourself better at an older age , but growing old with someone is pretty special , too . I 've loved my husband when he was 21 and I love him more at 37 . We have so many memories that make me smile , and we can laugh at how ridiculous we were when we first lived together , because we know it always gets better , richer , fuller . And it has . I may not have known who I was when I got married , but I knew who I wanted to be . And I knew I loved him with all my heart , and I trusted it would be okay . And it is . Shop this post ! I 've chronicled my struggle and doubts with blogging over the past year before , but not exactly what gets me in the gut when I think of quitting . You see , I often wonder what the point of all this is . Posting photos , and affiliate links , and all that nonsense . Writing about what I 'm wearing and why , and where to get it . Worrying about pageviews and Instagram followers and analytics . Lately it seems like too much , like there is zero point to doing this beyond habit . Last week one of my favorite bogs , Unfancy , shut itself down . I was surprised ! Here is this revolutionary person with an uber - popular blog saying that this wasn 't working for her right now , and she was done . And you guys , I was thisclose to saying that I was done , too . I wrote the goodbye post in my head and began to live in the space where this blog and all it entails didn 't exist anymore . It felt freeing and GOOD . Really good . I didn 't say anything to anyone , fearful I would be judged or talked back into continuing . I just quietly decided to not take photos this weekend , to not post on Monday as always . To let this space go and see how it felt . I was happy . And then , a couple of days in ( after the allure of quitting faded ) , I felt like this wasn 't it . I mentioned to my husband that I was over it , and he was disappointed . I thought about not writing here ever again , and it made me sad . There are loose ends and things I 've agreed to that I can 't let go , and all of a sudden I KNEW . I can 't quit . There 's something still here for me , something unfinished , and begging for a little bit more . There may be NO POINT to blogging , except the point is : I feel like writing things and posting them when I feel like it , and there are some people that enjoy reading it . It 's also an Instagram message saying I made someone feel less lonely in motherhood by posting the real truth of it all , or the email from a valued reader encouraging me . This community here is the point for me , as is the writing , and also the occasional , " I wore this and why " style post . The point is : I 'm not ready to let it all go to waste now . I just can 't . The time may come when I feel the time to end is here . It could be next week , or two years from now , or never . I have no idea . It 's just that , right at this moment , while I have things I still want to say swimming in my head , today ISN ' T it . I called my mom the other day ( as I do almost every day , # mamasgirl ) , and my Grandparents happened to be in town visiting her . They have this wonderful little setup , where they spend six months of their year in a quaint place in southern Florida , and the other six months in a beautiful home on a lake in New Hampshire . While talking to my grandpa , I asked him if he was looking forward to the extra room and more spacious nature of their home up by the lake . He said , " you know , I 'm always happy to be heading there and enjoy the home I have , and then when it 's time to leave for Florida I 'm always happy to be going there , too . " He then said that when he was younger and not retired , he had a similar thought process . He mentioned that he always loved teaching college for the school year , but when the year was over he was tired of it , and looking forward to working at the pier and fishing again . Yet , when the fishing season was over , he was ready again to give that up and get back to teaching . This got me thinking . While I know this is not possible for so many , I love the idea of always having something to look forward to while working . To have not one thing that makes us happy , but several . I thing that the monotony of working the same thing is hard , and is something that has gotten to me in the past in a lot of jobs . Routine takes over , and it becomes a never ending cycle of sameness . I 've had this happen to me a lot ! I start something and get excited , but inevitably , the sameness of it all gets to me and I begin to want for something more . Maybe the real secret to happiness and being content is to not do the same thing forever . To switch things up and keep reaching for more . To find a job that changes , to create a life that is less about what what should be and more about what we want . Maybe we need to do that job that pays , and then work in our spare time on what makes us truly happy . Find a way to make that dream a reality ! Get up early and write , or take that class that truly thrills you . I 'm still woJ Crew jacket , old ( $ 15 option ) ; Free people top ; Target jeans ( only $ 17 . 50 , size up ! ) and sandals ; Nordstrom reversible bag . Often I find that I am unfairly hard on myself . I mess up , procrastinate , let someone down , or make a mistake , and then I beat myself up for being the worst version of myself . Motherhood is my biggest trigger , mostly because it takes all the insecurities of who I am and throws them in the fire , to be consumed and ravaged by self doubt . I tend to be my worst sometimes as a mom , showing my children over and over again how NOT to be . I go over all the things I said and did , wishing I could go back in time and redo them all , HOPING I CAN be the type of parent all those parenting books and TV shows tell us we should be . I then take the moments I had that second glass of wine , ate the bag of jelly beans I promised myself I wouldn 't , or bought that piece of clothing that I wanted to complete my life with , but found it only brought guilt and a deeper hole in my soul . I give myself no leeway . I 'm either the perfect person I want to be , or I 'm a complete failure who doesn 't deserve what she has . It 's the snowball effect of guilt . It says that I must do all the things on my to do list to be a good person , see the weight I approve of on the scale to feel good in my skin , or be the most perfect mom of all time . If I fail at these , I fail as a person . There is no gray area in my brain for being good . No room for mistakes or slip ups . I 'm either who I want to be or I am not . YET , I read something that other that that helped me see how damaging this is . And wrong . What if we accepted ourselves unconditionally , like we accept those we love in the same way ? I can 't help but think about this without looking at how I love my children . I know they have flaws , but that doesn 't matter to me . I love them unconditionally . There is NOTHING they could do or say that could change that . They make mistakes and we say , " Let 's try harder next time to make it better , " or , " Did we learn a lesson from this mistake ? " The same can be said for my husband and other loved ones . We all have flaws and do things in a way that is not the best , but those that love us overlook it . We take the good with the bad and look past it . So then why not love ourselves in the same manner ? Love ourselves unconditionally , as we love our children and family members ? Embrace the bad parts of ourselves , but focus on the good more . I may not be the kind of person that I want to be all the time , but who is ? I should love myself as I love my children . I look at them and see the good in them . The shining , bright light that shines from their eyes and makes me think of how amazing they are . When it comes to them I see the cup as being half full , always . Their amazing qualities outshine the bad in my book . I 'm going to try and love myself the same way . To see myself as my parents do . As someone that is special and bright and full of promise . The little mistakes don 't need to take on gargantuan proportions , they are mere slip - ups . Speed bumps if you will . I need to let the good in myself outweigh the bad , and focus on triumphs and not failures . That is unconditional love . I 've been quietly fascinated by the idea of a capsule wardrobe for quite some time now . I follow Caroline and her minimalistic style journey avidly , and find the concept really enthralling ( yet scary ? ! ) I 've toyed around with the idea of doing one myself a couple of times as well , but have never been able to really say it out loud and do it . I think we all know I am not a minimalist dresser , nor do I want to be . I feel stifled by the idea of only wearing a certain number of pieces from my closet ( though let 's be honest , I kind of DO only wear the same things for the most part ) , and don 't want to curb my creativity when getting dressed . So if I don 't like the very idea of the capsule wardrobe and what it stands for , why am I still intrigued ? This past couple of weeks ( after doing some major shopping damage , oops ! ) , I finally figured out the crux of what really intrigues me : it 's the idea of not shopping as much ( or impulsively ) , for the length of a capsule wardrobe season that I like . I want to be able to take the time to research and find what types of clothing I really like ( without shopping ) , while enjoying what I already have . Curbing shopping to a smaller period of time and being more smart about what I buy . You see , I like to shop . A lot . I 'm never out of control , and I don 't shop with money we don 't have , yet I buy things often that makes me incredibly happy in the shorter run . BUT , once that feeling wears off I find I want to buy more . I get obsessed with an idea or trend , or see something and can 't rest until I have it . I 've learned that if I let this feeling pass ( it only takes a couple of days ) , that I feel better or may even not want the item anymore . Except I don 't always wait . I often find that if I just buy this one thing , my wardrobe will be complete and I will be happy . Yet how many of those one more things are in my closet as we speak , and I am STILL not fully satisfied ? What I 've discovered is that I really just like the capsule wardrobe concept of ' no shopping for a period of time . ' I feel like I can take the time to research what I want for the seasons ahead ( while wearing the clothes I already own ) , and shop for a small period of time at the end of each capsule season , rather than impulsively shopping on a continuous basis . I 'm hopeful that this could break the cycle I have of buying things on EMOTION and WANT rather than NEED and LOVE . I want to enjoy what I already own and use the things I have in abundance . The Spring capsule season is April , May and June , so I plan to not shop during that time . ( Trust me , this SCARES me ! ) I know I have ENOUGH . I don 't need more . Seriously ! I 'm going to enjoy what I own RIGHT NOW until the end of June . And then I 'll reevaluate and see if that feels good for me . I 'm hoping to feel lighter and more free . Less hungry for MORE and more thankful for LESS . Tell me , what are your thoughts on a capsule wardrobe and living with less ? This has absolutely nothing to do with the photos above ( … though this IS a style blog , so hello random style photos ; ) , but a couple of weeks ago I was at the mall for a birthday party and had some unexpected time to myself . It was right before Christmas and kind of a hot mess ( holy overwhelming ! ) , but I ventured on into American Eagle Outfitters and was amazed by everything they had . I mean , I 've shopped there before and bought my favorite pair of distressed jeans there , but I guess I just forgot how awesome it is ? It 's really boho and girly and all Coachella - like in there , which is my fave style in the warmer months , yet it does translate into winter , too . Here are some of the things I am loving in there , RIGHT NOW . I 'm obsessed lately with wearing mismatched earrings in my ears , and not all the same design . I have two piercings that are still open ( that third one is hopeless ) , and find myself wearing four different earrings at the same time . It feels funky and unique to me , especially when my ears are most likely the only part of my body showing in January . I like to buy their six packs of studs and mix it up ! This embroidered tote looks exactly like the pricier version that a lot of bloggers have , but for a lot less . I NEED this . THE most perfect sandals for summer ! Nordstrom coat ( similar ) ; Target jeans ( similar ) ; Asos sweater ; Sorel boots ; ℅ Skip N ' Whistle " ugly Christmas sweater " tee ( seriously it has cats and Christmas trees . I die . ) > I also own this sweatshirt from Skip N Whistle that I wear every single day with my sweatpants at home . It is ridiculously comfortable . >> It was snowing like crazy when I took these pictures on Friday . I use a tripod and manual focus it on the wall before stepping into the frame , so if you look close you can see the snowflakes falling in front of me . Smart camera ; ) Since I 'm feeling lazy today I think a Currently post is a fun idea . I 'm pretty nosy by nature and love to see what other folks are up to , hoping that 's normal ? Feel free to add your own Currently 's in the comments ! ( I don 't know which blogger started this trend , but I saw it most recently on Living in Yellow and The Daybook . Pure genius , these ladies are . ) Reading : I just finished Death of a President on my Kindle last night . It is super detailed about the four days right after JFK 's assassination and was fascinating . I 'm going through another Kennedy obsession and re - reading all of my books I have on the subject ( I collect them ! ) I need a new book to read , too . Any suggestions ? Searching for online : The majority of my time is spent looking for Christmas presents for my kids and getting that DONE . This ring and this band is on my personal wish list ( which I send to my husband and he nicely purchases for me . Hey , it works ! ) Watching : I 'm loving The Witches of East End on Lifetime , Total Diva 's on E ! and my fave movie of all time ( Father of the Bride ) was on TV today . Love . And Girls starts in January . Squeeee ! Wearing : Right now ? The sweatshirt I talked about above and sweatpants . I think my sweatpant wearing percentage is about 70 % of the time right now . Wishing : For all my Christmas tasks to be done . I love the holiday , but shopping , wrapping , planning , buying and sending stress me out . Which leads me to … . Drinking : I bought a case of Lime - a - rita 's a couple of weeks ago and those rock my world , as do Angry Orchard Hard Ciders ( crisp apple only . ) On the non alcoholic route , my Keurig makes an amazing Chai Latte . YUM . Noticing : How nice so many Bloggers are and how the relationships I make here are so fulfilling . I love reading comments , answering e - mails and learning from those that seem to be hitting it out of the park idea wise . There are some talented ladies out there . Obsessing : Over this hot pink coat that Brie wore last week . It is perfection . I was checking my email the other day and came across a picture of a woman in Yahoo ! entitled " four days after birth . " Curious , I checked on it and I was pretty blown away . She looks amazing and unreal . Reading on I found that there was a lot of backlash on the photo and what this woman represents and I wanted to throw my two sense in there as a childbearing woman myself . I think people go one of two ways when criticizing pregnant ( and post pregnant ) women . They either scorn them for gaining too much weight and letting themselves go ( Kim Kardashian , Jessica Simpson ) , or scorn them for either not dropping weight quickly after birth or losing it too fast . Remember that fit mom on Facebook a month or so back ? Celebrities are praised for getting their " bodies back " almost instantaneously , yet the woman on Yahoo ! was ripped apart for looking great 4 days after birth . Which one is worse ? Gaining too much during or losing it too quickly ( or too slowly ) after ? Where is the happy medium ? My first pregnancy was great . I gained about 22 pounds and felt awesome . I was mostly all belly and after the seventh month or so could barely eat because the baby was pressed up into my stomach . It felt like a lap band must feel , you are hungry , yet feel full after a couple of bites . I snacked a ton and worked out on the elliptical till the day before I gave birth and had a really easy and quick labor . After I had my daughter I lost about 15 pounds within the first two days and my stomach flattened out quickly . I was lucky . I felt good about myself and proud that I had bounced back pretty quickly . ( Don 't hate me . ) I got pregnant again really quickly and ended up on bed rest for part of it and couldn 't work out ( plus I was running after a toddler , so hello ! no rest . ) It was summer , I was always hot and ate a ton of strawberry ice cream . I gained the same amount of weight as my first and dropped about 12 pounds after my sons birth , but the results after weren 't quite the same . I had two babies under 17 months and was about 10 pounds over my pre baby weight and held onto it for year . I looked okay , but there was a lot of extra skin and my hips were wider and life was busy . It wasn 't until I started working out on a regular basis again ( God bless the daycare at the Y ! ) that I eventually got down to my new fighting weight , which is still about 5 pounds more than my original , before children weight . My childbearing body has grown in some places , shrunken in other , but I 'm also stronger and healthier than I have ever been . I work hard at it and feel ( mostly ! ) good about myself . I think there are a lot of factors that go into weight gain in pregnancy and what we look like after . I will never look the same as I did before my kids . My body is different , but it is not worse . Just altered . I have extra skin on my belly and wider hips and I have more cellulite . Maybe if I worked out even more and ate cleaner I could be even better , but for me I feel comfortable with myself . What wouldn 't help is to have critics sitting on the sidelines and judging how I live and gain and lose . I think it 's easy to judge another woman from afar and believe we know better . From pregnancy to motherhood and everything in between , we are looked at under a microscope sometimes and often feel the need to criticize those around us ( not to mention complete strangers . ) We either gain too much or too little , lose weight too fast or not fast enough . How can we win ? There are so many realities when in comes to childbirth and what we look like after and none of them are helped by critics around us . While I don 't enjoy someone lording their amazing postNow if you 'll excuse me , I have some pie to eat ; ) This time last year my husband was deployed over the holidays and it gave me the time to really think about what I was buying our kids at Christmas . ( What else do you do at home alone for months on end ? Besides watch hours of QVC , of course . ) I could see my kids had a good amount of stuff and certainly weren 't wanting for anything , but I felt like a lot of things had I had purchased in years past just didn 't pass the test of time . For me , it brought me pleasure to have lots of little gifts under the tree for them to open . Have you ever seen a three and four year old see the wonder of Christmas morning for the first time ? It . Is . Amazing . Yet after all was said and done I found they only really fell in love with a few items and a couple of months later I ended up donating so many of the things that they lost interest in . So I made up a rule last year and told them that Santa only brings children 5 presents each . They can come up with a zillion things that they want and tell me they love every toy in the Target aisle , but they know Santa will only bring them five gifts each . ( Which I realize is a totally first world problem , they are lucky to get the five as it is . ) Needles to say , the experiment was a success last year and this year they have already started counting off the five things they really want to ask for and constantly shift items on and off . They know there are so many children in the world that Santa has to visit and that he gives a little to each family . This may or may not backfire as they get older and talk to their school friends , but until then we go with the 5 gift plan . What this means for me is that I can buy them presents they really want , and buy better quality if possible , because I 'm not worrying about filling up the space under the tree . We have a big family and they get tons of stuff from them , so in the end they have a great collection of things they love . I send gift ideas off to relatives and try to pick a theme of sorts each year for the kids and build on collections if possible . Molly loves her American Girl doll and Bitty Baby , so we will be adding to that little by little . She also loves Disney Princess dresses and I can get those on sale on Black Friday for a fraction of the cost . I 'll round it out with a tea set and call it a day for her . Brady is a little trickier , but he can always be made happy with anything he can build with or any type of truck . My husband and I also buy them each one thing from us , and on Christmas Eve they each get a new pair of pajamas and an ornament to hang on their tree . They look forward to this tradition every year . I love that by pairing down on Christmas we are building a routine for the years to come . Choosing quality over quantity and showing the kids that Christmas is not about how many presents you can get . I 'll also bring them both to the store separately and have them buy presents for each other with some of their saved money . I 'd love to show them the joy in giving to each other . When they get older we will visit and work in homeless shelters as well . They need to see how lucky they are and be able to serve others . I just don 't want to waste money anymore buying presents for the sake of having them , you know ? Paring back useless consumption is something I am working on , though it can be tough , especially this time of year . I can walk through Target and find so many things I really want and die over , but I 'm scaling back in that department and shopping less for myself ( and on a budget ! ) Who knew that a shopping budget makes one think more , hmmmm ? Shop this look :

Welcome to Gilded Halls . This roleplay will allow you to explore life through the eyes of a teenager who is , just slightly , extraordinary . Whether it 's super powers , a specific aptitude or skill they excel in , this roleplay will bring them together . GH is going to be very open . It is based on a roleplay I ran on another website , many years ago . There are some similarities with X - Men , however this roleplay is not based on the series or mechanics in terms of abilities . Creativity will thrive in this roleplay , to ensure this each period in the day will be represented by a long period irl . Typically a single lesson will last a month , and is fully optional . Your character has been written to , inviting them in to the school . To the public Gilded Halls is just an esteemed boarding school ; you will soon see it is much more . It is a school that nurtures real talent , letting students excel in the hidden arts . Spoiler : It is very important that your character 's skills are in keeping with this roleplay , and do not pose a problem in terms of god - modding or bunnying . For example , teleportation is a great ability and power - being able to teleport other people / against their will / however , is a problem . You may pick any ability you would like , and as long as you can balance it . I will stop abilities being duplicated / copied too much , so make sure that yours is unique ! I won 't be accepting two characters with identical powers . Since the characters are all teenagers , their powers should be underdeveloped and rather limited . Age does have a bearing on this , an eighteen year old should be more developed than an eleven year old . Abilities are definitely allowed to grow and change during your time here , but there should be clear limitations to what your character can do . Not a super - power kind of writer ? Academic successes and sporting legends are welcome as well . Perhaps they have a real skill at reading a person 's character , maybe they 're just very empathetic . I 'm happy for skilled characters to join , and if you would like to develop a power later on that is up to you ~ Generic abilities will be introduced via the lessons . These are things that any character can do , however you may wish to handicap them in that respect . For example , in Elements 101 pupils will be attempting to control an element of nature on a tiny level . The school runs a peculiar timetable , that allows pupils to pick and choose which lesson they attend . The majority of lessons are pupil - led , without a teacher in sight and clear instructions left in the classroom . That means that pupils are free to come and go as they please , completing the task anywhere in the extended gap . Alecia is a very shy and timid person and her appearance reflects that . She has very pale skin , showing most of her time is spent indoors , and light , mouse brown hair . Her hair is straight and neat , and hang to her shoulders . She keeps it out of her face with a pair of butterfly hair pins . Her eyes are a very light blue and generally looking down , and away from others , a sign of her timidness . She is fairly short , and wears a long grey designer dress , which covers most of her body . Her arms are left bare , and are usually held to her chest , as if to protect herself from something . She wears a pair of white pumps , and white tights as well . A very mild appearance , so as not to draw attention to the shy girl . Alecia was born in a quiet little town in the country . She lived a quite normal life and grew up away from most people . Although her parents were quite wealthy from striking oil ten years before her birth , she was kept out of school . Her parents stayed away from her , instead hiring many caretakers and tutors , who taught her manners and handled her schooling , raising her . However , she never had many of them for too long . Her life was quiet , and she was shifted around the countryside as her parents continued in the oil business . But then it all changed . When she was 12 her parents were killed in an oil accident . There was nothing anyone could have done . Luckily , Alicea was away at the time , but the news devastated her . She withdrew even more into herself , even while her very large estate and inheritance was taken away by her parent 's company , pulling all sorts of legal trickery to make the 12 year old look mentally unstable , not to mention pointing out that she was only twelve . So instead of her being able to take over her parents company when she grew up , she was left with only a very large trust fund , which she couldn 't touch until she was at least 21 , and only after a psychiatric examination , which of course would be held by someone on the payroll of her parents old company . In short , she lost everything . And while this legal battle was going on over her head , Alecia spent the next two years in foster homes and group homes . Her future was uncertain . The increased stress from all that was going on around her awakened her powers , and while they mainly went unnoticed , her last foster moster , a graduate of the academy , discovered her . She wrote to the Gilded Halls on Alecia 's behalf , and got her accepted . The now fourteen year old was then shipped to her next destination , the Gilded Halls . Ability name : Thermal Control Alecia 's power is an interesting one . She can control how hot or cold something is . This can range from heating a pot of water to a boil all the way to creating blizzards out of the rain . But she can 't do any of that just yet . Her can effect a vast range of things . She can even create flame if there is enough fuel for a spark , such as paper and the like . It can be a very powerful ability , or a very weak one . At the present she can barely radiate a varience of about plus or minus ten degrees from the current temperature . Basically make you shiver a bit if you stand too close . It is not effected by distance , she an just as easily effect something twenty feet away as she can two feet away as well . 2 . It works on how focused she is . If she is too scared or too angry she doesn 't lose control , she just loses her power until she is calm again . 4 . if she uses her powers too much it begins to effect her , meaning if she heats something too long she will begin to get hot . Maybe one degree for every ten minutes she is using her power . This can prove deadly , as if she gets too hot or too cold her own power will kill her . 5 . She has no special protection from high or low temperatures . So if she heats the room up , she will begin to suffer from heat stroke and possibly death . This is distinctly different from the previous point , because this can happen instantly . Not only does she have a time limit , her body limits her on how much she can do at one time , assuming it is close enough to hurt her . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Cool . I have so many abilties in my mind that i need to narrow down and pick one . X3 I 'll post my SU as soon as possible . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Appearance : [ Reference ] Standing at just five - foot - one , Jamie is one of the shorter boys his age . His brown hair is shaggy , fairly long and is normally unkept - he doesn 't worry about his appearance much , he likes how it looks au natural . The disheveled strands are long enough to cover his dark green eyes , however Jamie normally sweeps them to the side . History : Jamie grew up in money , he had many things handed to him when he was a child and that undoubtedly shaped him as a person . He quickly learnt that his parents could afford to fix any mistake he made and that anything he wanted was just a phone - call away . This spoiling led to a very demanding child , especially as he came into his teenage years , and his attitude at home and school changed for the worst . He was fortunate enough to attend a highly - regarded private school , preparing him for the pressures of university . He had plenty of friends at the school , although his Mum did not approve of any of them . Jamie 's small friend circle managed to include most of the troublemakers in school , a week did not go by without a disappointed phonecall home from Jamie 's homeroom teacher . The final straw was being caught red - handed , spraying graffiti over the school emblem in the main hall . Unfortunately , due to his behaviour at school , Jamie was permanently excluded . As he became more and more unruly , moving from school to school , his parents ran out of ideas . Despite his constant refusal , his father wrote off to a number of boarding schools . Curiously , the only one to reply was Gilded Halls . Spoiler : Explanation : Jamie can manipulate the frequency of sounds - in most cases he uses his voice as the trigger , however clapping or clicking works to a lesser effect . By raising the frequency he can cause objects to vibrate . Jamie has found that his power is useful for opening locks . Due to his ability , he has developed much more sensitive hearing than most people and can hear frequencies outside of the normal human range . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Appearance : Beege is what you would call a skater . He tends to wear dark grey skinny jeans , flannel button - ups , and beanies . He has long brown hair that he straightens daily . Normally it 's curly , and can be described as stoner hair , but when he straightens it it hangs down to his shoulders in thick brown sheets . He has a very thin stature , and he stands at about 5 ' 8 . His face is angular , and pretty good looking , but not gorgeous . His eyes are a stormy grey , and he has a bit of a scruffy beard that he shaves daily . He normally rolls his sleeves up so his arms are bare . He has a leather watch that he always wears , not necessarily for time , but to look cool . He has a tattoo of the Triforce ( Completely out of context ) on the bottom of his left arm . Normally he can be seen with headphones on , listening to punk rock . History : Beege was born in a large , if not huge city . His parents raised him lovingly and took their time teaching him what was wrong and right . His father was a paramedic , and his mother was a nurse , so they had plenty of money to throw around and what - not . He grew up with a very normal life and went to a school that had a massive amount of students , ranging yearly from fifteen hundred to twenty - five hundred . Beege was pretty popular , so he was known throughout the entire school for being known as either the " Bro " or the " Ladies ' man " seeing as he was smooth as crap , and was a good friend , be it hanging out or having a conversation . He never had to try in school . He 's extremely intelligent , and tries just enough to pass his classes with flying colors . When he was fifteen , his parents began to pay a little less attention to him , and eventually they just flat - out ignored him . After this , Beege grew to be a bit depressed , but he refused to let that affect him negatively . He carried on with his life until he accidentally turned his hand into concrete . It only lasted for a couple seconds , but it was long enough for everyone in his classroom to notice . His teacher , who happened to know of the academy , wrote to them the next day . He was soon sent off to the new school , and he was excited . Beege was always up for adventure , and this would be the ultimate adventure of his entire life . Explanation : Beege can turn his body into natural materials , or various metals such as ironm , steel , or aluminum . This ability can be used for various things , such as creating armor , tools , or just killing time to see what you can do . If he manages to manages to master his power , he can turn his body into materials such as diamond for as long as he wants . However , the most he can do at the moment is to turn his arms into granite for a solid five minutes . If he can concentrate long enough he can transmutate inanimate objects as well , but that 's very difficult for him because he has a bit of an attention disorder . Again , if he masters that ability , he can turn things into really rare materials . He needs to concentrate around ten seconds for the change to take place , and it only lasts for a couple minutes . The main use of this ability is for turning heavy into a light material so it can be tossed aside . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Appearance : Nathan has dirty brown hair stand up on his head , almost defying gravity . He always keeps them at a decent length for the sake of cleanliness . He is a very tall boy with a well built body due to spending hours at the gym he had in his house . His eyes are normal a cat brown color . For the clothing , Nathan love to use dark colors : a white shirt under a black jacket , his black jeans and also black sneakers . History : Nathan Steele was the kid of two leaders in the business domain . They were always busy and that made them unable to take care of Nathan and see him as he wanted them to . Instead , they engaged a lot of maids who had to take care of him and give him whatever he wanted . But that wasn 't enough to make him happy . Being a rich kid , Nathan was home - schooled in his early years . But he wasn 't exactly delighted at the thought of being at home 24 / 7 . Unlike all the others children , he couldn 't go out like he wanted . If he needed to leave the house , he always had bodyguards following him wherever he went and that began to anger him . He talked to his parents about this and had an argument with them . They decided to enter him into one of the best private schools of the country . He accepted but after merely a week , he started to have problems there . He was reported of being a bad student ; he would beat the students or even insult teachers if he was angry . He got expelled of the school quickly and his parents decided not to send him in another private school . But Nathan didn 't want this . Secretly , he submitted a lot of applications to the schools and after a little while , the Gilded Halls wrote to his parents and invited him to the school . Nathan 's parents were skeptical at the idea of sending him again but he bugged them day and night and they finally agreed to send him at this school . Explanation : This ability allow Nathan to control iron at his will . He could transform anything he touched into iron if he was at an advanced stage of control but the current state of his ability only allows him to transform a part of his body into a weaker but still solid version of iron . This could serve him to hit someone or protect himself from harm if needed . However , using this drains his muscles ' energy faster than normal . Limitations : He can only transform a part of his body into iron . Appearance : He is a caramel skinned teen who stands at 5 " 7 and has broad shoulders . He weighs 127 pounds and lacks noticeable body fat . His hair is shaved , even on all sides , and is black . He has brown eyes , and wears black rectangular glasses . His face is handsome and cleanly shaven , and he has a thin jaw . He has no acne or facial blemishes . His shoulders are about 2ft wide , though he has long , skinny ( toned ) arms . His legs are not so skinny , and are well muscled . He has a six pack and a straight back . He usually wears a t - shirt with no design , just a color ( with his favorites being red / green / blue / teal / orange ) and then jeans . He never wears shorts because he doesn 't like showing his legs , no matter how hot it is . History : Marquis is not his real first name , it is in fact his middle name . He never tells his first name to anybody , and doesn 't acknowledge it himself . During registrations , he enters the computer to change the roster , removing his first name , and has even changed his digital birth certificate . The only people who knows his first name is his family and the doctor who helped his mother give birth to him . ( Early grade school teachers might know , but due to his low key status as a kid , many wouldn 't even remember it . ) . The reason he goes to great lengths is because he simply doesn 't like his first name , and finds it fun to have a little mystery surrounding himself . He didn 't realize his power until he was nine years of age , when he got his first handheld system . After enjoying video games so much , he imagined himself inside the game . This focus was enough to get him inside the very simple console , and he was able to experience the game in a new light . After practicing this new power on every video game he had , he wanted to take it farther . He would jump around to all the appliances in his kitchen , causing chaos . In school , he was able to change his grades to perfect scores ( but when people got suspicious , he only changed them to honor roll As and Bs ) . He kept his abilities secret from his family , and did very well for the most part . At the age of 14 he accidentally shut down an entire section of a major city , placing himself in stasis for three weeks until they fixed the problem . When he casually went home ( thinking he had been asleep for an hour at most ) it turned out his parents had presumed him missing and had gone crazy looking for him . He suffered several more incidents like this ( where he would get locked in stasis , and his parents assumed he just ran away ) and was eventually sent to Gilded Halls by his parents . ( His grades were still high because in highschool he started to go back to perfect grades , and showed " skill " at programming and computers . ) Explanation : Marquis can physically enter anything that uses technology and manipulate it from within . The power can be used to transport quickly via telephone lines and more commonly the internet . He can also transport himself through a text message or phone call . He can act as a virus or a firewall by tampering or fighting files within a computer . He can travel through wires to get around a building quickly , and also enter TV shows . He is able to pull one other person with him , though it is extremely dangerous and the other person must be physically touched , and can get lost ( though he can find them very easily ) . This is really only used when traveling by wire , or to enter a video game with a friend . Traveling by internet with another person is too risky and not responsible . Although he doesn 't have to physically touch the object , he does have to see it . When he starts to focus , his legs disappear first into particles and then it moves up , entering the computer . The particles are not touchable , but it only takes a few seconds . In terms of fighting potential , he leaves his phone on and can dematerialize any section of his body to avoid an attack . When in a computer or electronic , he is able to do anything his mind can think of . There are no limits inside of a computer ( This sounds strong , but there is nobody else with this power , so basically he can be the best cheater in a video game ) . This extends slightly to people he brings in with him , they can do anything too , but they can 't override what he can do . Another skill he has picked up is controlling a small device that he invented himself that creates a solid clone to take his place and do basic , pre - programmed tasks ( such as pretending to type , eat , sleep , or write ) . It can 't say more than a few basic phrases , but can be materialized out of his cell phone ( taking up a second person if he goes in with it ) in the same way he can materialize . The clone can also act as a surrogate , being directly controlled by marquis is he wishes to ( this is mostly in case he wants to transport the clone without putting it in a device , or for protection , or even just to quickly enter another device without being seen ) The clone is still limited though , and is not physically equal to Marquis 's real body . - Internet transportation only works if he sends himself through an email or waits on the site until the computer he wants to show up at opens the site . - Internet transportation is dangerous due to firewalls , anti - virus software , and potential shut downs . He often has to fight his way into other 's computers . - In terms of working from outside a computer ( actually programming ) he is not very good at all . - The clone runs on battery , only lasting one hour with a charge . The clone acts as a robot , though feels human ( This isn 't a biological clone , it is something he stole and modified from a science facility , meaning he can 't replace the clone either . It feels human due to the material it uses , on the inside , it is completely mechanical . ) The bot can recharge quickly by plugging in , being stored in an electrical wire connected to a significant power source , or can be slowly charged by solar power . ( Limitation : When charged by solar power , it can only remain stationary and perform basic tasks like speaking or pretending to read / write though for as long as the sun is showing . ) About the Clone : The clone is not a clone in the same sense of the word that we use . It wasn 't created using DNA or biological means . It was a robot that was as human as possible , without an AI . Its function was to be able to change into a mirror image of a person and act as a decoy . Before Marquis 's modifications , it would only be able to walk , wave , and say pre - recorded speeches . Afterwards it was able to do everything that Marquis did on a daily basis . Its use is primarily ( for Marquis at least ) to take his place when he enters an electronic for a long time , or to take classes for him so he can essentially cheat , even with a teacher looking at him during class . Heretostay123 - I quite like your ability , however I think it needs to be explained just a bit longer . You say , " if he concentrates long enough " when talking about transmuting an object - perhaps you can make an estimate ? Does the change last forever on those or do they revert back ? JNathan - I think with Nathan we need to reign back on the offensive . How about , instead of manipulating fire he is very fire resistant ? Khawill - Love this signup , clearly a lot of thought gone in to your power . However , I don 't think the clone / robot is necessary . Appearance : Kevin stands at a tall five - foot - eleven inches and weighs about 126 pounds . He is a fairly neat looking guy minus his medium length red hair which is usually swept to the side in a hastily , uncombed fashion . His facial features consist of dark green eyes , pale skin and a scar which sits just beside his left eye . He can be seen wearing a pair of glasses when looking at something far away , most commonly in a classroom . Kevin can most often be seen wearing a pair of jeans , a yellow and black hoodie , a pair of sneakers and a small backpack . History : Kevin was born into a standard suburban household on the outskirts of the city . Kevin had to reluctantly attend school but paid little attention , he knew school wasn 't for him but there was no telling his parents that . He learned after a while that by causing trouble in school he could get sent home or suspended . The more trouble he caused , the more his parents started to become tiresome of his behaviour . During his time at what was now high school , Kevin noticed something weird about himself . He could feel some kind of energy building up inside him . He thought nothing of it but when he started picking up electrical items like a TV remote , it would spark and then short circuit . His parents weren 't really sure what to make of this strange behaviour , so they attempted to carry on as normal . However one day a massive argument broke out between him and his parents . Seething with anger Kevin stormed up to his room and placed his hand on his TV . With a massive boom , the glass shattered into a million bits , Kevin was thrown back and was left with what is now a scar beside his left eye . Fearful of this strange ability , his parent 's grew weary and distant from Kevin . They decided to send him away to a boarding school called Gilded Halls . He soon received the letter from the school asking him to attend , they did seem practically interested in him . Kevin packed his bags and went on his way . As far as Kevin is concerned this is just a regular boarding school but he 's about to see it 's much more than that . Ability name : Electrokinesis Spoiler : Explanation : Kevin has the ability to manipulate energies , electrical currents , and generate electricity with the mind . With the correct training and mastery of his power , his powers can range from shooting a bolt of lightning from his hand to powering up a generator . This power can even be used to take control of the electrons in objects , allowing motion control . Because of this ability Kevin doesn 't get an electric shock like most people , instead he simply absorbs the shock and stores it away as energy . However at the present moment Kevin can barely create a small enough current to power a object as small as a phone battery and as for a bolt of lightning , a small flash of sparks at best and finally he usually ends up short circuiting any electrical item he touches . 4 . Cables that lie above ground exposed have the tendency to shoot a bolt of electricity towards Kevin , knocking him to the ground . 5 . Kevin cannot enter the water , be it a lake , pool , sea anything like that . All of the electrical current in Kevin 's body will react badly to the water . Entering water like this is fatal and could end with tragic consequences . Nnh . . . this looks so good . God damnit Swift , why do you make all the cool - kids - RPs ? Reserve me ! And . . . I think I might go with Telekinesis / Psychokinesis . Just need to find me someone to share a room with . . . * Slowly eyes over the others * Hmm , in that case how about we tweak the idea ? Change the amount of time it lasts drastically - 10 hours is a longgg time - 30 mins should be enough for a cover , perhaps ? If you can work on this clone idea then Marquis will be in . Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo . This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo , Creatures , GAMEFREAK , or The Pokémon Company International . We just love Pokémon .

Welcome to Gilded Halls . This roleplay will allow you to explore life through the eyes of a teenager who is , just slightly , extraordinary . Whether it 's super powers , a specific aptitude or skill they excel in , this roleplay will bring them together . GH is going to be very open . It is based on a roleplay I ran on another website , many years ago . There are some similarities with X - Men , however this roleplay is not based on the series or mechanics in terms of abilities . Creativity will thrive in this roleplay , to ensure this each period in the day will be represented by a long period irl . Typically a single lesson will last a month , and is fully optional . Your character has been written to , inviting them in to the school . To the public Gilded Halls is just an esteemed boarding school ; you will soon see it is much more . It is a school that nurtures real talent , letting students excel in the hidden arts . Spoiler : It is very important that your character 's skills are in keeping with this roleplay , and do not pose a problem in terms of god - modding or bunnying . For example , teleportation is a great ability and power - being able to teleport other people / against their will / however , is a problem . You may pick any ability you would like , and as long as you can balance it . I will stop abilities being duplicated / copied too much , so make sure that yours is unique ! I won 't be accepting two characters with identical powers . Since the characters are all teenagers , their powers should be underdeveloped and rather limited . Age does have a bearing on this , an eighteen year old should be more developed than an eleven year old . Abilities are definitely allowed to grow and change during your time here , but there should be clear limitations to what your character can do . Not a super - power kind of writer ? Academic successes and sporting legends are welcome as well . Perhaps they have a real skill at reading a person 's character , maybe they 're just very empathetic . I 'm happy for skilled characters to join , and if you would like to develop a power later on that is up to you ~ Generic abilities will be introduced via the lessons . These are things that any character can do , however you may wish to handicap them in that respect . For example , in Elements 101 pupils will be attempting to control an element of nature on a tiny level . The school runs a peculiar timetable , that allows pupils to pick and choose which lesson they attend . The majority of lessons are pupil - led , without a teacher in sight and clear instructions left in the classroom . That means that pupils are free to come and go as they please , completing the task anywhere in the extended gap . Alecia is a very shy and timid person and her appearance reflects that . She has very pale skin , showing most of her time is spent indoors , and light , mouse brown hair . Her hair is straight and neat , and hang to her shoulders . She keeps it out of her face with a pair of butterfly hair pins . Her eyes are a very light blue and generally looking down , and away from others , a sign of her timidness . She is fairly short , and wears a long grey designer dress , which covers most of her body . Her arms are left bare , and are usually held to her chest , as if to protect herself from something . She wears a pair of white pumps , and white tights as well . A very mild appearance , so as not to draw attention to the shy girl . Alecia was born in a quiet little town in the country . She lived a quite normal life and grew up away from most people . Although her parents were quite wealthy from striking oil ten years before her birth , she was kept out of school . Her parents stayed away from her , instead hiring many caretakers and tutors , who taught her manners and handled her schooling , raising her . However , she never had many of them for too long . Her life was quiet , and she was shifted around the countryside as her parents continued in the oil business . But then it all changed . When she was 12 her parents were killed in an oil accident . There was nothing anyone could have done . Luckily , Alicea was away at the time , but the news devastated her . She withdrew even more into herself , even while her very large estate and inheritance was taken away by her parent 's company , pulling all sorts of legal trickery to make the 12 year old look mentally unstable , not to mention pointing out that she was only twelve . So instead of her being able to take over her parents company when she grew up , she was left with only a very large trust fund , which she couldn 't touch until she was at least 21 , and only after a psychiatric examination , which of course would be held by someone on the payroll of her parents old company . In short , she lost everything . And while this legal battle was going on over her head , Alecia spent the next two years in foster homes and group homes . Her future was uncertain . The increased stress from all that was going on around her awakened her powers , and while they mainly went unnoticed , her last foster moster , a graduate of the academy , discovered her . She wrote to the Gilded Halls on Alecia 's behalf , and got her accepted . The now fourteen year old was then shipped to her next destination , the Gilded Halls . Ability name : Thermal Control Alecia 's power is an interesting one . She can control how hot or cold something is . This can range from heating a pot of water to a boil all the way to creating blizzards out of the rain . But she can 't do any of that just yet . Her can effect a vast range of things . She can even create flame if there is enough fuel for a spark , such as paper and the like . It can be a very powerful ability , or a very weak one . At the present she can barely radiate a varience of about plus or minus ten degrees from the current temperature . Basically make you shiver a bit if you stand too close . It is not effected by distance , she an just as easily effect something twenty feet away as she can two feet away as well . 2 . It works on how focused she is . If she is too scared or too angry she doesn 't lose control , she just loses her power until she is calm again . 4 . if she uses her powers too much it begins to effect her , meaning if she heats something too long she will begin to get hot . Maybe one degree for every ten minutes she is using her power . This can prove deadly , as if she gets too hot or too cold her own power will kill her . 5 . She has no special protection from high or low temperatures . So if she heats the room up , she will begin to suffer from heat stroke and possibly death . This is distinctly different from the previous point , because this can happen instantly . Not only does she have a time limit , her body limits her on how much she can do at one time , assuming it is close enough to hurt her . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Cool . I have so many abilties in my mind that i need to narrow down and pick one . X3 I 'll post my SU as soon as possible . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Appearance : [ Reference ] Standing at just five - foot - one , Jamie is one of the shorter boys his age . His brown hair is shaggy , fairly long and is normally unkept - he doesn 't worry about his appearance much , he likes how it looks au natural . The disheveled strands are long enough to cover his dark green eyes , however Jamie normally sweeps them to the side . History : Jamie grew up in money , he had many things handed to him when he was a child and that undoubtedly shaped him as a person . He quickly learnt that his parents could afford to fix any mistake he made and that anything he wanted was just a phone - call away . This spoiling led to a very demanding child , especially as he came into his teenage years , and his attitude at home and school changed for the worst . He was fortunate enough to attend a highly - regarded private school , preparing him for the pressures of university . He had plenty of friends at the school , although his Mum did not approve of any of them . Jamie 's small friend circle managed to include most of the troublemakers in school , a week did not go by without a disappointed phonecall home from Jamie 's homeroom teacher . The final straw was being caught red - handed , spraying graffiti over the school emblem in the main hall . Unfortunately , due to his behaviour at school , Jamie was permanently excluded . As he became more and more unruly , moving from school to school , his parents ran out of ideas . Despite his constant refusal , his father wrote off to a number of boarding schools . Curiously , the only one to reply was Gilded Halls . Spoiler : Explanation : Jamie can manipulate the frequency of sounds - in most cases he uses his voice as the trigger , however clapping or clicking works to a lesser effect . By raising the frequency he can cause objects to vibrate . Jamie has found that his power is useful for opening locks . Due to his ability , he has developed much more sensitive hearing than most people and can hear frequencies outside of the normal human range . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Appearance : Beege is what you would call a skater . He tends to wear dark grey skinny jeans , flannel button - ups , and beanies . He has long brown hair that he straightens daily . Normally it 's curly , and can be described as stoner hair , but when he straightens it it hangs down to his shoulders in thick brown sheets . He has a very thin stature , and he stands at about 5 ' 8 . His face is angular , and pretty good looking , but not gorgeous . His eyes are a stormy grey , and he has a bit of a scruffy beard that he shaves daily . He normally rolls his sleeves up so his arms are bare . He has a leather watch that he always wears , not necessarily for time , but to look cool . He has a tattoo of the Triforce ( Completely out of context ) on the bottom of his left arm . Normally he can be seen with headphones on , listening to punk rock . History : Beege was born in a large , if not huge city . His parents raised him lovingly and took their time teaching him what was wrong and right . His father was a paramedic , and his mother was a nurse , so they had plenty of money to throw around and what - not . He grew up with a very normal life and went to a school that had a massive amount of students , ranging yearly from fifteen hundred to twenty - five hundred . Beege was pretty popular , so he was known throughout the entire school for being known as either the " Bro " or the " Ladies ' man " seeing as he was smooth as crap , and was a good friend , be it hanging out or having a conversation . He never had to try in school . He 's extremely intelligent , and tries just enough to pass his classes with flying colors . When he was fifteen , his parents began to pay a little less attention to him , and eventually they just flat - out ignored him . After this , Beege grew to be a bit depressed , but he refused to let that affect him negatively . He carried on with his life until he accidentally turned his hand into concrete . It only lasted for a couple seconds , but it was long enough for everyone in his classroom to notice . His teacher , who happened to know of the academy , wrote to them the next day . He was soon sent off to the new school , and he was excited . Beege was always up for adventure , and this would be the ultimate adventure of his entire life . Explanation : Beege can turn his body into natural materials , or various metals such as ironm , steel , or aluminum . This ability can be used for various things , such as creating armor , tools , or just killing time to see what you can do . If he manages to manages to master his power , he can turn his body into materials such as diamond for as long as he wants . However , the most he can do at the moment is to turn his arms into granite for a solid five minutes . If he can concentrate long enough he can transmutate inanimate objects as well , but that 's very difficult for him because he has a bit of an attention disorder . Again , if he masters that ability , he can turn things into really rare materials . He needs to concentrate around ten seconds for the change to take place , and it only lasts for a couple minutes . The main use of this ability is for turning heavy into a light material so it can be tossed aside . What is real ? What is truth ? Is it something you can touch ? Can you see it ? Find it ? Hold it in your hands ? What is true for you is not always the truth for someone else . RIANBOW SPADE ! ( My answer to everything . ) Appearance : Nathan has dirty brown hair stand up on his head , almost defying gravity . He always keeps them at a decent length for the sake of cleanliness . He is a very tall boy with a well built body due to spending hours at the gym he had in his house . His eyes are normal a cat brown color . For the clothing , Nathan love to use dark colors : a white shirt under a black jacket , his black jeans and also black sneakers . History : Nathan Steele was the kid of two leaders in the business domain . They were always busy and that made them unable to take care of Nathan and see him as he wanted them to . Instead , they engaged a lot of maids who had to take care of him and give him whatever he wanted . But that wasn 't enough to make him happy . Being a rich kid , Nathan was home - schooled in his early years . But he wasn 't exactly delighted at the thought of being at home 24 / 7 . Unlike all the others children , he couldn 't go out like he wanted . If he needed to leave the house , he always had bodyguards following him wherever he went and that began to anger him . He talked to his parents about this and had an argument with them . They decided to enter him into one of the best private schools of the country . He accepted but after merely a week , he started to have problems there . He was reported of being a bad student ; he would beat the students or even insult teachers if he was angry . He got expelled of the school quickly and his parents decided not to send him in another private school . But Nathan didn 't want this . Secretly , he submitted a lot of applications to the schools and after a little while , the Gilded Halls wrote to his parents and invited him to the school . Nathan 's parents were skeptical at the idea of sending him again but he bugged them day and night and they finally agreed to send him at this school . Explanation : This ability allow Nathan to control iron at his will . He could transform anything he touched into iron if he was at an advanced stage of control but the current state of his ability only allows him to transform a part of his body into a weaker but still solid version of iron . This could serve him to hit someone or protect himself from harm if needed . However , using this drains his muscles ' energy faster than normal . Limitations : He can only transform a part of his body into iron . Appearance : He is a caramel skinned teen who stands at 5 " 7 and has broad shoulders . He weighs 127 pounds and lacks noticeable body fat . His hair is shaved , even on all sides , and is black . He has brown eyes , and wears black rectangular glasses . His face is handsome and cleanly shaven , and he has a thin jaw . He has no acne or facial blemishes . His shoulders are about 2ft wide , though he has long , skinny ( toned ) arms . His legs are not so skinny , and are well muscled . He has a six pack and a straight back . He usually wears a t - shirt with no design , just a color ( with his favorites being red / green / blue / teal / orange ) and then jeans . He never wears shorts because he doesn 't like showing his legs , no matter how hot it is . History : Marquis is not his real first name , it is in fact his middle name . He never tells his first name to anybody , and doesn 't acknowledge it himself . During registrations , he enters the computer to change the roster , removing his first name , and has even changed his digital birth certificate . The only people who knows his first name is his family and the doctor who helped his mother give birth to him . ( Early grade school teachers might know , but due to his low key status as a kid , many wouldn 't even remember it . ) . The reason he goes to great lengths is because he simply doesn 't like his first name , and finds it fun to have a little mystery surrounding himself . He didn 't realize his power until he was nine years of age , when he got his first handheld system . After enjoying video games so much , he imagined himself inside the game . This focus was enough to get him inside the very simple console , and he was able to experience the game in a new light . After practicing this new power on every video game he had , he wanted to take it farther . He would jump around to all the appliances in his kitchen , causing chaos . In school , he was able to change his grades to perfect scores ( but when people got suspicious , he only changed them to honor roll As and Bs ) . He kept his abilities secret from his family , and did very well for the most part . At the age of 14 he accidentally shut down an entire section of a major city , placing himself in stasis for three weeks until they fixed the problem . When he casually went home ( thinking he had been asleep for an hour at most ) it turned out his parents had presumed him missing and had gone crazy looking for him . He suffered several more incidents like this ( where he would get locked in stasis , and his parents assumed he just ran away ) and was eventually sent to Gilded Halls by his parents . ( His grades were still high because in highschool he started to go back to perfect grades , and showed " skill " at programming and computers . ) Explanation : Marquis can physically enter anything that uses technology and manipulate it from within . The power can be used to transport quickly via telephone lines and more commonly the internet . He can also transport himself through a text message or phone call . He can act as a virus or a firewall by tampering or fighting files within a computer . He can travel through wires to get around a building quickly , and also enter TV shows . He is able to pull one other person with him , though it is extremely dangerous and the other person must be physically touched , and can get lost ( though he can find them very easily ) . This is really only used when traveling by wire , or to enter a video game with a friend . Traveling by internet with another person is too risky and not responsible . Although he doesn 't have to physically touch the object , he does have to see it . When he starts to focus , his legs disappear first into particles and then it moves up , entering the computer . The particles are not touchable , but it only takes a few seconds . In terms of fighting potential , he leaves his phone on and can dematerialize any section of his body to avoid an attack . When in a computer or electronic , he is able to do anything his mind can think of . There are no limits inside of a computer ( This sounds strong , but there is nobody else with this power , so basically he can be the best cheater in a video game ) . This extends slightly to people he brings in with him , they can do anything too , but they can 't override what he can do . Another skill he has picked up is controlling a small device that he invented himself that creates a solid clone to take his place and do basic , pre - programmed tasks ( such as pretending to type , eat , sleep , or write ) . It can 't say more than a few basic phrases , but can be materialized out of his cell phone ( taking up a second person if he goes in with it ) in the same way he can materialize . The clone can also act as a surrogate , being directly controlled by marquis is he wishes to ( this is mostly in case he wants to transport the clone without putting it in a device , or for protection , or even just to quickly enter another device without being seen ) The clone is still limited though , and is not physically equal to Marquis 's real body . - Internet transportation only works if he sends himself through an email or waits on the site until the computer he wants to show up at opens the site . - Internet transportation is dangerous due to firewalls , anti - virus software , and potential shut downs . He often has to fight his way into other 's computers . - In terms of working from outside a computer ( actually programming ) he is not very good at all . - The clone runs on battery , only lasting one hour with a charge . The clone acts as a robot , though feels human ( This isn 't a biological clone , it is something he stole and modified from a science facility , meaning he can 't replace the clone either . It feels human due to the material it uses , on the inside , it is completely mechanical . ) The bot can recharge quickly by plugging in , being stored in an electrical wire connected to a significant power source , or can be slowly charged by solar power . ( Limitation : When charged by solar power , it can only remain stationary and perform basic tasks like speaking or pretending to read / write though for as long as the sun is showing . ) About the Clone : The clone is not a clone in the same sense of the word that we use . It wasn 't created using DNA or biological means . It was a robot that was as human as possible , without an AI . Its function was to be able to change into a mirror image of a person and act as a decoy . Before Marquis 's modifications , it would only be able to walk , wave , and say pre - recorded speeches . Afterwards it was able to do everything that Marquis did on a daily basis . Its use is primarily ( for Marquis at least ) to take his place when he enters an electronic for a long time , or to take classes for him so he can essentially cheat , even with a teacher looking at him during class . Heretostay123 - I quite like your ability , however I think it needs to be explained just a bit longer . You say , " if he concentrates long enough " when talking about transmuting an object - perhaps you can make an estimate ? Does the change last forever on those or do they revert back ? JNathan - I think with Nathan we need to reign back on the offensive . How about , instead of manipulating fire he is very fire resistant ? Khawill - Love this signup , clearly a lot of thought gone in to your power . However , I don 't think the clone / robot is necessary . Appearance : Kevin stands at a tall five - foot - eleven inches and weighs about 126 pounds . He is a fairly neat looking guy minus his medium length red hair which is usually swept to the side in a hastily , uncombed fashion . His facial features consist of dark green eyes , pale skin and a scar which sits just beside his left eye . He can be seen wearing a pair of glasses when looking at something far away , most commonly in a classroom . Kevin can most often be seen wearing a pair of jeans , a yellow and black hoodie , a pair of sneakers and a small backpack . History : Kevin was born into a standard suburban household on the outskirts of the city . Kevin had to reluctantly attend school but paid little attention , he knew school wasn 't for him but there was no telling his parents that . He learned after a while that by causing trouble in school he could get sent home or suspended . The more trouble he caused , the more his parents started to become tiresome of his behaviour . During his time at what was now high school , Kevin noticed something weird about himself . He could feel some kind of energy building up inside him . He thought nothing of it but when he started picking up electrical items like a TV remote , it would spark and then short circuit . His parents weren 't really sure what to make of this strange behaviour , so they attempted to carry on as normal . However one day a massive argument broke out between him and his parents . Seething with anger Kevin stormed up to his room and placed his hand on his TV . With a massive boom , the glass shattered into a million bits , Kevin was thrown back and was left with what is now a scar beside his left eye . Fearful of this strange ability , his parent 's grew weary and distant from Kevin . They decided to send him away to a boarding school called Gilded Halls . He soon received the letter from the school asking him to attend , they did seem practically interested in him . Kevin packed his bags and went on his way . As far as Kevin is concerned this is just a regular boarding school but he 's about to see it 's much more than that . Ability name : Electrokinesis Spoiler : Explanation : Kevin has the ability to manipulate energies , electrical currents , and generate electricity with the mind . With the correct training and mastery of his power , his powers can range from shooting a bolt of lightning from his hand to powering up a generator . This power can even be used to take control of the electrons in objects , allowing motion control . Because of this ability Kevin doesn 't get an electric shock like most people , instead he simply absorbs the shock and stores it away as energy . However at the present moment Kevin can barely create a small enough current to power a object as small as a phone battery and as for a bolt of lightning , a small flash of sparks at best and finally he usually ends up short circuiting any electrical item he touches . 4 . Cables that lie above ground exposed have the tendency to shoot a bolt of electricity towards Kevin , knocking him to the ground . 5 . Kevin cannot enter the water , be it a lake , pool , sea anything like that . All of the electrical current in Kevin 's body will react badly to the water . Entering water like this is fatal and could end with tragic consequences . Nnh . . . this looks so good . God damnit Swift , why do you make all the cool - kids - RPs ? Reserve me ! And . . . I think I might go with Telekinesis / Psychokinesis . Just need to find me someone to share a room with . . . * Slowly eyes over the others * Hmm , in that case how about we tweak the idea ? Change the amount of time it lasts drastically - 10 hours is a longgg time - 30 mins should be enough for a cover , perhaps ? If you can work on this clone idea then Marquis will be in . Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo . This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo , Creatures , GAMEFREAK , or The Pokémon Company International . We just love Pokémon .

After much thought , because I am currently on vacation with my family followed by a visit to my sister in California , I do not want to spend any of the time writing . I 'd rather spend the time with my family , thus there will be no new posts until Monday October 13th . I may try to repost some older posts that I think would serve as good reminders . As always , thanks to you all for coming to the site ! I 've always been called a ' laid back ' guy . In the past I didn 't give this comment much thought but was flattered by the observation . What is actually meant when someone is deemed ' laid back ' ? Webster defines it as someone " having a relaxed style or character . " [ 1 ] I 've always interpreted it as a compliment , but I 'm sure to some , it 's actually a veiled insult , with the comment " you 're so laid back " meaning " unlike you I pay attention to and care about details . " [ 2 ] Regardless of the intent , I 've always thought it to mean : someone who can roll with the punches . But the more I think about it , a ' laid back ' person is a patient one , someone who can stay calm in the face of adversity . It 's true , only a laid back person could let 18 years of vertigo and one year of leg weakness go unaddressed . My attitude may in fact have delayed my diagnosis , but this is the only instance that I found it detrimental . Since the surgery I can think of countless numbers of times that patience has been crucial to my recovery . The number one place that patience has been paramount is my recovery . This was less difficult in the beginning phases of my recovery as my gains were more noticeable . Now the gains are there but less pronounced . I would liken it to watching grass grow : if you spent every second of every day watching the grass and measuring it , you wouldn 't notice it getting longer . But if you were to leave it for a week ( and tend to something else ) you would undoubtedly notice the increase in length . This has been the case with my recovery . Early in my recovery , I would wake up and be able to perform a task I couldn 't the previous day . Now , a part of me thinks that my recovery is done and over with , and what I have now is what I will be left with . But luckily those who are not with me on a day to day basis , tell me that I look better than when they saw me last , and that I am making improvement . For me there are definite moments of frustration : every loss of balance , every " what ? " that I often hear in conversation because of my delayed speech , every fumbled object in my hands ( revealing my poor motor skills ) is accompanied by moments of frustration . Fortunately , I recognize this frustration , and try to quell it . I take several deep breaths and remind myself where I was immediately after the surgery - confined to an ICU bed , unable to care for myself , let alone walk . I remember to appreciate where I am today and the progress that I have made . Patience , and a sense of calm then takes over . When I was in the hospital on the Rehabilitation Floor , my Family Doctor would often remind me " Chris , you 're going to get better , but it will take time . Remember , this is not a sprint , it 's a marathon . " I do not want to go into the exhaustive details of my attempts to return to residency , as the process is still ongoing , but what I will say is that the process has been an exercise in patience . Patience from me , patience from the Family Medicine program , and patience from Sparrow . From my perspective I cannot wait to return to seeing patients , and would love nothing more than returning to the clinic . But I know that my return has to be done the right way ; I have to be ready and all the necessary documents must be signed and reviewed . I mentioned that I have seen a Vocational Rehabilitation specialist . I initially thought that she would advise me on my options after residency ( i . e . other career options besides clinical practice ) but she has taken it upon herself to spearhead my return to residency . She is constantly in touch with both Sparrow and me . She has been wonderful , and I cannot imagine where I 'd be in this process without her . In our last meeting , she implored that I sign and send in all the provided paperwork to expedite the process . My response to her was that I wanted to review all these documents first . While errantly signing a form could hasten my return , it could also have long term unforeseen negative effects . Patience here , I told her , is key . [ 2 ] I remember in college , I was in the midst of stringing a tennis racquet when the string broke - forcing me to start over . There was another tennis player in the room who said , " Wow , you 're so laid back - I would have gone crazy . " Thinking about it more , while she could have meant this as a compliment , she could have indirectly been telling me what a bad stringer I was , and that something like that would never happen to her . [ AA2 ] For legal reasons I really don 't think you should say that you might put a patient 's health at risk . In a court of law , they can use anything they find from you on the internet and use it against you . God forbid anything should happen , you do not want these kind of words floating out there in cyberspace . Moreover you are not putting anyone at risk any more than any other resident . You are fully mentally capable . In attempting to return to normalcy , everyone I spoke to had the same advice : Get a good neuropsychologist and get a good PM & R ( Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation ) doctor . I was lucky in that not only were my neuropsychologist and PM & R clinicians considered top notch , but they were also wonderful to work with during my recovery . I decided that this post should be dedicated to the field of PM & R . I also asked my PM & R physician to write a short blurb surrounding his care for me and his thoughts on my situation . Like many fields in medicine , the definition of PM & R medicine is broad . In essence , the aim of this branch of medicine is to restore function and improve the standard of living in those with either physical impairments or disabilities ( or both ) . Many people ( residents included ) think that ' PM & R ' stands for ' Pain Medicine and Rehabilitation ' [ 1 ] . While it is true that part of what a PM & R physician deals with is pain , the field involves much more - the scope of the field is much broader . In attempting to restore function in those with impairments or disabilities , a PM & R physician may see a patient who suffers from carpal tunnel syndrome in the morning , then a stroke patient in the afternoon . The field is a relatively new one , gaining notoriety after World War II , with the treatment of many injured soldiers . One of the patients these physicians treat , are patients with Traumatic Brain Injury ( TBI for short ) . This fit my case perfectly , as the mass and the removal of it had resulted in the symptoms I have today . Technically , stroke patients also fall into this category . The role of the PM & R physician in these patients is to help them regain any functional ability that may have been impaired due to the injury . Depending on the specific deficit , a PM & R physician may refer the patient to a speech therapist ( many stroke patients have speech deficits after the injury ) and to a neuropsychologist ( to aid with the evaluation of any possible cognitive delays ) . Every case is different , and requires specific tailoring and management for the optimal care of the patient . My case was easy and difficult at the same time : easy in that I required every kind of therapy , and little to no thinking ( hopefully ) was involved in this aspect of my care . [ 2 ] My case was difficult in that this occurred during my medical residency , creating many intricacies in my care . [ 3 ] My first experience with Dr . Michael Andary actually came prior to my surgery and diagnosis . I was working on the inpatient service at the time ( seeing patients in the hospital ) . On one of our patients there was a question of who the admitting physician was to be . [ 4 ] I remember it clearly , the residents ( not wanting to do all the extra paperwork ) had our supervising physician and then Program Director ( a legend at Sparrow ) directly telephone Dr . Andary in an attempt to clarify the situation ( in reality we hoped that Dr . Andary would say , " sure thing ! We 'll do the admission and all the paperwork that goes with it . " ) Unfortunately , the result of this conversation was that we were to ' admit ' the patient . It wasn 't this end result that sticks out in my mind however . I had never seen our supervising physician , I 'll call him Dr . Bond back down as he did . I could not hear the other end of the conversation , but from Dr . Bond 's responses I could tell what was being said between them : Dr . Bond : " Say Mike , that patient in room 525 ? We are under the impression that we don 't ' have to admit her . Since you guys are managing her care shouldn 't you admit her ? " I was taken aback . Dr . Bond was well known and respected around the hospital and community . Who was this Dr . Andary who had ' fought back ' and won ? My curiosity was piqued . It was around then that I began to hear much of Dr . Andary and his own legend . He was well known around the PM & R community as one of the top physicians in his field . When I told the PM & R physician in Ann Arbor of my plans to become a patient at Sparrow Hospital his first response was that " Oh great , you 'll be in good hands with Dr . Andary . " My first encounter with Dr . Andary as a patient came during his rounds . He was blunt , but honest . He had me perform a series of cerebellar tests , one of the tests having me run my heel up and down the opposite shin . " C ' mon faster ! " he implored . Of all the clinicians I have seen he remains the only one to tell me and my wife that he does not expect me to return to 100 % . I see several possibilities with this : either the other clinicians think the same thing but do not want to tell me this , or Dr . Andary is truly the only one who believes this . While I hope that Dr . Andary is wrong and that the second alternative is the case , the rational side of me tells me that when it comes to medicine Dr . Andary is rarely ever wrong . After my discharge , one of my many clinic visits included a trip to the Sparrow PM & R clinic . Here I would be seen as an outpatient , in the controlled setting of their clinic . Dr . Andary knew of my desire to return to residency and patient care , he entered the room and immediately said , " Chris , I know you want to come back . I believe that you can and will . I am on your side and will fight for you till the end . " Ever since this visit he has been deeply involved in my return to residency . A few months ago I asked him if he would write something for the blog . I asked that he focus on the aspects of my care that centered around my return to residency . This is what he wrote : Dr . Chiou has worked hard to improve his motor control , cognition and ability to integrate information . It is now time to see if he can perform work specific tasks and finalize the skills , and neurophysiological connections to return as an effective physician . Much like a golfer learns to golf by practicing that specific sport , it is now time for Dr . Chiou to practice his specific job and see if he can return as an effective physician . If he can psychologically adjust to the slower pace , and adjustments , I believe he has an excellent chance to return to work as a physician . Michael Andary M . D . M . S . [ 5 ] In the hospital the order ' consult XXXX ' is often written ( or typed ) . This simply means that the managing physician is requesting the expertise of another physician . For example , if a patient under your care suddenly develops chest pain , a cardiologist might be consulted . For today 's post , I wanted to repost my first post . This is for a couple of reasons : 1 . I 'm afraid that the post got lost in the website and that no one would see it . Given the whole reason for the blog revolves around this tumor , I thought it was appropriate to rerelease it . 2 . I want my story heard and think reposting the first article is a step towards doing it . If you 've already read this , I hope you 'll read it again . If you have not yet read this post I hope you find it enlightening : I was sitting in the waiting room of the Neuro - ophthalmology office , waiting to hear the results of the MRI I had just undergone . Unfortunately I received the bad news through the scheduler . I knew who Dr . Smith was , I knew he was a neurosurgeon and I also knew that in order to see a neurosurgeon there had to be something to take out . Moreover , the fact that I was seeing one the next morning meant that it was something relatively urgent . Let me explain what brought me to that moment : It was Monday March 18th , , 2013 that I awoke with double vision . I frequently get asked about the double vision - thinking back to that time the only way I can describe it is that there were two side by side images of everything I looked at . It wasn 't bad at first ; in fact I was able to work for two days with the vision changes . I work as a resident physician in a clinic in Lansing , Michigan . The double vision was mild enough that I could trudge through Monday and Tuesday of my clinic , only complaining to the medical student once or twice about the double vision and resulting headaches . ( I 'm one of the lucky few who has never had a headache before but I have to admit that this was causing me to finally realize what nearly 75 % of individuals have felt ) . [ 1 ] The visual disturbance kept progressing until finally on Wednesday of that same week I pulled my Family Doctor aside and told him about my symptoms . I told him that I had originally thought that this was some form of a complex migraine , but I thought that he should know . I had seen many Complex Migraines during my training and they had often manifested with visual complaints ( that is one of the few downsides to having an MD after your name , you 're taught not to first think of rare conditions , i . e . : a brain tumor . I can picture one of my medical school professors telling me , " Always think of common conditions first ! " ) . Fortunately in his experienced eyes this was no complex migraine . " You need to be seen by a neurologist right away , let me give Dave a call . " I could not hear this neurologist on the other line but Dr . Pearson 's responses told me all I needed to know ( Dr . Randy Pearson , my family doctor ) . " You can see him right now ? Ok , I 'll put that in . " He hung up the phone and turned to me " Chris , Dr . Kaufman will see you right away , he wants to get an MRI of your brain first . " That brings me to that visit with me sitting in the waiting room , getting news through their scheduler . " Christopher ? Dr . Kaufman will see you now " a medical assistant told me before she took me back to an exam room . I was nervous , I knew it was bad news but I didn 't know exactly what the news was . My wife arrived , my heart rate went down . I 'd never admit this to her but she has a calming effect on me . I hated to worry her but I needed her there so I finally called her to tell her of the upcoming MRI and appointment . She is also a Family Medicine Resident , in the same year of training as me . I could hear the concern in her voice when I called her - she is much smarter than me , so I 'm sure she knew something was wrong from the get - go . Dr . Kaufman walks in and breaks the news to me . " Chris , let 's talk about your MRI . Why don 't you have a seat ? " He tells me as he shakes my hand . " Fleur ? Good to see you . Are you comfortable ? " I 'm used to this question as she 's 8 months pregnant . " Chris . They found something on your MRI , " he went on , " the good news is that it looks benign , but there is no way to absolutely know unless it is taken out . " He was good , there are whole courses in medical school designed to teach students how to deliver bad news , I 'm sure if he had been graded on our encounter he would have received perfect marks . The rest of the visit seemed like a blur to me , but I do remember him saying that the appearance on MRI led him to believe it as an Epidermoid Cyst . The reason I remember him saying that is that my little sister had a similar growth in one of her ovaries . " Was this genetic ? " I thought to myself . " I 've scheduled you to see the neuro - surgeon right away tomorrow morning " Once I stepped out of the office I turned on my phone and called my mother . Whenever I meet someone else from either Taiwan or China , the topic of our mothers inevitably comes up . The words " she 's a tiger mom ' ultimately comes out of both of our mouths . But as I say this to others I know I 'm selling her short . It 's a gross understatement . This is a mother of three , who devoted her career to Emergency Medicine , working 24 hour shifts in the Emergency Department as the lone physician . Her eldest daughter , my older sister Amy , was so talented in her violin skills that she was accepted to Julliard . However to mention her talent seems to detract from her hours and hours of hard work , pushed by my mother . She declined Julliard in favor of pursuing a career in medicine , at the prestigious Yale University . To her , Yale did not cut it , so she pushed me to excel in both my tennis and my academics so I could attend Harvard University , and also eventually into medicine . My youngest sister , probably the smartest of the bunch , rebelled and went into finance . This was all accomplished because my mother pushed us in every aspect of our lives . This , though , was out of her control : a brain tumor could not be outworked . That is why her reaction to my news was so memorable , " ' I 'm going to call your sisters . When is the neuro - surgery appointment ? I 'm on my way there . " ( She has the habit of throwing questions in between statements . I attribute it to the millions of thoughts that must be racing through her head ) . I then call my sisters to tell them of the news . Somehow my mother has managed to call them first . My older sister answers the phone in tears , telling me that everything will be alright , that a good friend of hers is now a neurosurgery attending physician at The Massachusetts General Hospital . She tells me that she is going to call him right away . My younger sister , also in tears , tells me that she has already booked airline tickets to get in the next day . We still thought that we ought to get a 2nd opinion , so we went to the neighboring University of Michigan , with a world renowned neurosurgery department . We were lucky in that we got in quickly with an appointment with one of their top neurosurgeon 's Dr . Stephen Sullivan . He walked into the room and warmly greeted us . He went over the MRI with us ( this seemed like the 50th time I had seen it ) and ultimately said , " Chris , I 'm a very experienced neurosurgeon but if it were my son I 'd want the best possible surgeon performing this particular surgery . That 's why I 've called Dr . [ Cormac ] Maher , one of our best pediatric neurosurgeons to come see you . He does these types of surgeries way more than me , albeit on younger patients . " I was completely blown away . In the span of two days I had seen two different neurosurgeons . As a practitioner I have acted as both the physician giving the second opinion and been told that after seeing me the patient wishes for a 2nd opinion . My assumption was that both scenarios ended the same : the physician giving the second opinion says the same thing as the first one . I assume this for a few reasons - 1 . Even though we may go to different medical schools , or get our residency training at different places we still learn from the same textbooks ; thus our a medical opinions will be the similar . And 2 . Medicine is a very algorithmic profession . There are countless numbers of papers and ' decision rules ' that serve to guide physicians . ( For example if a 63 year old male smoker , with type 2 diabetes comes to the Emergency Department complaining of chest pain there is an algorithm that tells the physician exactly what to do [ 2 ] ) . Thus I deduce that most of our decisions are the same . But here were two physicians in the same field with two very different responses . Dr . Maher walked in , smiling warmly with one of the first things he said to us being an apology . " I 'm sorry for making you wait , my name 's Dr . Maher , I 'm one of the pediatric neurosurgeons here , " he went on , " Chris what we know is that you have a mass in your brain , unfortunately we don 't know what exactly the mass is . It looks benign on the MRI but until we get it out and look at it under the microscope we won 't know if it 's a malignant tumor or not . " The rest of the visit was a blur to me . Up until now I had assumed that this was a benign , harmless tumor ( If there is such a thing ) . Even the chance that this could be an invasive , malignant tumor scared me . I don 't even remember saying ' yes ' or even signing a consent ( which I must have done ) because my mind was spinning . A malignant tumor could mean chemo - or radiotherapy . It would also mean that my lifespan was significantly shortened . This was the first time during this ordeal that I as faced with the prospect of death . Even after first hearing of this mass in my brain , because the words ' probably benign ' were always connected to it , it had not crossed my mind that this could end my life . What was strange was I did not fear death for myself I feared it because the effects it could have on my family . According to the Center for Disease Control ( CDC ) approximately 40 , 000 people took their own lives in 2010 . [ 3 ] I 've often told people that I believe suicide to be the most selfish act that someone can commit ( yes , more than theft , adultery , or even murder ) . I 've had to deal with suicide many times ( before a career in Family Medicine I trained in the Emergency Department for a year where suicide attempts are a daily occurrence ) , and my thoughts always immediately go to the suicide victim 's family . They are left to deal with the aftermath . Thus the thought of my own death made me think of my family . On the drive home my phone was flooded with texts as news of my tumor had spread throughout my program . One of these texts was from one of my phone was flooded with texts as news of my tumor had spread throughout my program . One of these texts was from one of my closest friends in the program , Megha Tewari saying " I 've looked up this Epidermoid tumor , and it looks pretty rare . What did the surgeon say ? " I did not and have not done any research on the tumor , which goes against my normally inquisitive nature , but I figured the less I knew the better . I did not want to read about the prognosis of the tumor , or even the surgery itself ( which I found ironic , I always tell my patients to try and gain as much knowledge as they can about their medical conditions ) . The double vision was getting worse , the surgery day could not come soon enough . The numbers are staggering , according to the CDC in 2010 over 38 , 000 people committed suicide . [ 1 ] Almost 500 , 000 people with self - inflicted injuries were seen in the Emergency Department . The medical cost of the self - inflicted injuries and suicides was an estimated $ 41 . 2 billion dollars . [ 2 ] This means something we already know : suicide is a major health issue . For the ec onomists , preventing , or creating a solution to this problem could result in significant money saved . For everyone : the problem is so prevalent that we all know someone , who at the very least attempted suicide . Are there some warning signs that an event like this is going to occur ? The resounding answer to this question is ' yes ' . Nearly 90 % of those who take their own life have an underlying psychiatric condition - this could range from depression to schizophrenia . What 's more jaw dropping is that about 75 % of those who commit suicide exhibit signs ( signs such as substance abuse , withdrawal from family , or acting recklessly ) . [ 3 ] This begs the question : if there are both warning conditions and warning signs , why does it still occur with such frequency ? I believe that the answer to this question has many branches of answers : I think that proper education of the general public could decrease this number . This education not only includes teaching people about the warning signs of suicide but also resources at their disposal if they suspect anything . [ 4 ] Now you may wonder what this topic has to do with me and my recovery . Like I mentioned in a previous post , one worry for my recovery was my emotional state . Many people if put into my situation ( handicapped overnight by a brain tumor ) would fall into a depressed state , and may contemplate suicide . I am lucky in that my psyche is filled with hope following this ordeal : hope for a full recovery , and hope that my story is told and heard . [ 5 ] I consider myself simply lucky to have this outlook - I would not find fault with someone falling into depression under some circumstances . Like I said in an earlier post : there are varying schools of thought when it comes to depression - one extreme ( these are clinicians : physicians , psychologists , mid - level providers , nurses , etc . ) feels that depression exposes a weakness of the mind ; that ' mentally tough ' people could and would not become depressed . On the other end of the spectrum some view it as a physiologic phenomenon , caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the body . [ 6 ] I find myself in the middle of these two extremes : I believe that our whole body is always in a state of delicate balance , with the ratio of neurotransmitters very finely tuned , and the number of receptors on our cells always very important . I believe depression occurs when someone under duress is nudged in the direction of a depressed state , having the balance of the neurotransmitters thrown in the direction of depression . There are unfortunate people who suffer from depression as no result of any situation . In my case , the optimism and hope I have felt since the surgery has probably counterbalanced the adverse effects this ordeal has caused . Could the almost 40 , 000 people 's lives be saved with further education and increased awareness ? It might be a little farfetched to expect this , but even if one life is saved by any actions I feel it 's worth the effort . It 's sad that it takes the suicide of a public figure to bring this issue to light , but I am glad it has been brought to the public eye , by whatever means necessary . [ 4 ] There are several numbers one can contact if they feel someone is in trouble : the easy number to remember is ' 911 ' . The police are trained to handle these situations . Another number to remember is 1 - 800 - SUICIDE . This number can also provide help to anyone in need . I have always enjoyed music , movies , reading , and cooking , even before the surgery . Afterwards , I have begun to appreciate and love these activities even more . Before , medical school , residency , marriage , and parenthood occupied my time ; I could not spend as much time with my hobbies as I had wished . Just as this tumor has allowed me to spend more time with my children it has also given me more time to enjoy these activities . I have always loved music . As a teenager , I loved hip - hop . I have memories of listening to The Wu - Tang Clan and DMX before big tennis matches to get me fired up . While I still enjoy hip - hop [ 1 ] , my taste in music has diversified ; I also like musicians such as The Killers , James Brown , and Leon Russell . The only genre of music that I do not listen to happens to be the most popular type of music in the USA : country music . Now I constantly listen to music whenever I can - while working out in the gym , cooking , and writing . Each time I listen to music it serves a purpose - while in the gym I use music to motivate me to work harder and push myself . [ 2 ] While cooking , music inspires me to be more creative in the dishes I make . With writing , music puts me in the right frame of mind to write about my experience with this tumor . Movies provide me with an escape from reality . In movies , feats that aren 't possible in real life become commonplace on film . Conversely movies can be biographical in nature , and can detail the life or events surrounding a person 's life . I enjoy movies that can bring me to another place and enlighten me . This includes big budget action films , comedies , and ' biopics ' . I absolutely refuse to see any movies that are ' emotionally draining ' ; these are movies where you leave the theater more emotionally spent than when you entered : films like Hotel Rwanda and The Hours come to mind . In relation to my recovery I especially enjoy ' comeback ' movies . These are movies where the protagonist , typically a sports figure , suffers a major setback in the beginning of the film and spends the rest of the time building him or herself up to become stronger . Movies like Rocky or The Dark Knight Rises are like this . One common theme that runs through all these movies is that at the end of the movie , the hero 's life is changed and somehow through all their tribulations they become stronger . I hope that like Rocky or Batman that I will emerge from this ordeal both more evolved and stronger . In terms of my recovery , going to movies provides me an opportunity to see friends and socialize . My friends often go out of their way to offer to take me to a movie . With two young children at home , it is nearly impossible for my wife and I to go the movies together . [ 4 ] However , when I go with friends it provides us an opportunity to catch up . Since leaving Sparrow Hospital I have taken up reading and have read about 30 books . [ 5 ] I prefer nonfiction ranging from books about Einstein to memoirs about famous leaders . Like with movies , a good book has the ability to take the reader to a faraway place . I don 't have favorite authors , but only have one prerequisite : it is important that I learn something from the book , and not just be entertained . Besides helping to improve my writing skills , reading also gives me a part of the day devoted to me . I typically set aside some time every day and put on some soft music to read . There are some days that are too busy which I don 't read , but I try to read at least a little every day . When I was interviewing for residencies I received advice from many people . One piece of advice was to be truthful on all of your application . The example this physician used was that someone put ' cooking ' down as an interest . Unfortunately for this applicant , the interviewer was an avid cook , and was offended that the applicant would include ' cooking ' as an interest while not knowing the intricacies of it ( i . e . : what could you use to balance out the acidity of oysters ? ) [ 7 ] I think if I were to fill out a resume now I would include ' cooking ' as an interest . I by no means am a master chef [ 8 ] , but I thoroughly enjoy it . In terms of my recovery , I enjoy the control cooking gives me . One aspect of my life that this tumor has stripped from me is control . Literal physical control over my own body ( i . e . : titubation and ataxia ) , and control over returning to residency , and over my schedule . Any aspect of my life that I have control over I have clung to . [ 9 ] Also , as an added bonus , at the end , if you have done it right , you are left with an enjoyable dish . Like with all the books that I 've read there is not one underlying theme to all these different aspects to my life . They all in their own way have helped me to recover : Music helps to motivate and center me . Movies provide me with a temporary escape and also serves as a medium with which I can see friends . Books also give me an escape but also serve to enlighten me . Cooking provides me with at least a semblance of control . While all of these are separate without each and every one in my life my recovery wouldn 't be where it is today . [ 7 ] Residency interviews are notorious for strange questions - someone was once asked " why are manholes round ? " The interviewer is not looking for a correct answer but wants a peek into the thought process of the applicant . Manholes are round to prevent the cover from falling in by the way . In life we are in constant pursuit of happiness . Everything we do , whether it be working to earn money , or even watching a scary movie , is done so we can attempt to achieve happiness . [ 1 ] Philosopher John Stuart Mill attempted to quantify happiness by calling it ' utility ' . [ 2 ] Even with this in mind , the sheer joy and happiness that my sons have brought me is unquantifiable . There are two parts of my day that I always look forward to : 1 . When my older son , Christian , returns from school , and 2 . When I pick up my younger son , Cormac , from daycare . My experience raising each has been completely different . On Christmas night of 2006 , my first son , Christian William Chiou [ 3 ] , was born . From that night on , Christian barely ever left the side of my wife . There is a slang term : " mama 's boy " ; while this is usually in reference to an older boy , because Christian did not leave the side of my wife for the first three years of his life , I would have labeled him a mama 's boy then . In fact I do not remember most of the first few years of his life . He breast - fed until he was 2 , thus most nights I did not wake up until morning . [ 4 ] I paid lip service to other new fathers who complained of their loss of sleep . Before my tumor I would call the relationship with my son ' playful ' . My stepfather , from whom Christian received his middle name , observed our relationship and told me it was a ' best friend ' type of relationship . At first , I scoffed at this , recounting the many times I disciplined him . But the more I thought about it , never having a brother growing up probably made me treat him more like a younger brother than a son . I mentioned in an earlier post that I feared his reaction to my condition . During my initial recovery I asked my wife not to bring him to the hospital as I did not want him to see me in such a state . I was scared that he wouldn 't understand , or worse , think that this was somehow his fault . [ 5 ] Mostly , I did not want to lose my friend . Luckily , it was as if nothing had changed . From the beginning he treated me as he always had . I can count the instances on one hand where he even acknowledged my disability . He is extremely athletic and intelligent and has made many friends at school . I 'm not sure if it 's their age , or maybe their innocent outlook on life , but none of his friends have ever said anything about my condition . I have yet to experience an episode of titubation in front of them , but have no doubt that after their initial reaction of " what is wrong with your dad 's head ? " they would carry on as if nothing was happening . On April 19th , 2014 I became a father for the second time . The conditions surrounding his birth were a bit different than for Christian : For Christian we were just getting ready for medical school , now we were both about to enter the last year of our residency . Most notably , for Christian 's birth , I was not a patient in the same hospital two floors up , recovering from brain surgery . Unfortunately , for Cormac 's birth , this was the case . I mentioned above that I don 't remember most of Christian 's early years ; this is not true for Cormac . Every word he has spoken , his first steps , and all the meals he threw on the floor , I remember . He is now in daycare [ 6 ] , but there was a time that he was not in daycare and spent the days with me . This is in stark contrast from Christian , who barely left his mother 's side . When I tell people of my condition and of the birth of Cormac , I inevitably get an ' oh jeez ' or ' oh brother ' reaction - " not only do you have to deal with a brain tumor but a newborn as well ? " . Yes , I won 't deny that at times it is tough - the sleepless nights , crying fits , and poopy diapers are not the glamorous parts of child rearing , but I think I was extremely lucky to have Cormac when we did . Instead of bad luck , I see it as good fortune to be able to be home as much as I have . If I were to give you the choice between a . being able to be at home with your two sons or b . working so much you 'd rarely ever see them - you 'd pick ' a ' . Sure ' a ' comes with the kicker that you 're at home because of a brain tumor , but even with this , the choice is clear . Being the age that I am ( 31 ) many of my friends are considering parenthood . " We 're just not ready " is the most common reason people give not to have children . My response and stance has always been the same , " no one is ever ready to become parents . You 're tricking yourself if you think there 's some point in your life where you feel ' ready ' for children . It just happens , and you do everything possible for your child . " In this constant pursuit of happiness , the joy and ' utility ' that my sons bring me has been ineffable . [ 1 ] In the case of the money earning , most are under the impression that more money equals more happiness - if I were to ask you " who do you think is happier ? A homeless beggar , or the CEO of a major company ? " Most answers would no doubt be the CEO - the real question is not who is happier , but why do we assume the CEO is happier ? For the scary movie , someone who enjoys scary films sees them to fulfill their desires in an attempt to attain , yes , happiness . [ 5 ] As physicians we 're taught that children of parents with chronic , debilitating illnesses are at risk for a variety of conditions including , depression , oppositional defiant disorder , and conduct disorder . Thus it is important , we 're taught , from the onset that the parent is open about the condition with their child and reinforces that the condition is in no way their fault . This is does not prevent 100 % of those conditions developing , but it can help . For today 's post I wanted to put forth pieces written by two of my fellow colleagues , who were elected as co - chiefs . Aimee Tegtmeier was selected to be chief with me while Dani Watkins was elected to fill the role in my absence . I felt they had a unique perspective not only because we were in the same class of residency , but also they were asked to fill the position of co - chiefs . While Greg and Megha [ 1 ] were forced to deal with all the initial logistical hurdles my condition presented , it was Aimee and Dani who handled the repercussions of my absence from July of 2013 to the present . [ 2 ] More importantly , I consider them both very close friends . It goes without saying that they have been extremely kind to me since the surgery . Even though I know they easily handled the chief position [ 3 ] , they both went out of their way to try to include me in all ' chief decisions ' . We would often have meetings where we would discuss various topics , such as scheduling , changes to our protocol , and issues that our fellow residents brought up . I knew they did not need my help or input on these issues , but was honored they chose to include me in this process . Both Aimee and Dani have moved on : Aimee is set to finish residency in this month ( normally residents finish in July , but Aimee 's completion was delayed as she took time off after the birth of her first child ) , and Dani is practicing medicine in Cleveland . There is no doubt in my mind that they will be fantastic attending physicians : their combination of knowledge and compassion makes for an ideal clinician . My only fear is that they will move away and I will lose touch with them . Luckily for me they both have ties to the area : Dani is from Michigan , so family is an excuse for her to return . Aimee 's husband ( also a very close friend of mine ) is a resident in another program , and has will not finish until July of next year , thus , she is going to work in the area at least until he is finished . I did not know either of them prior to residency but I have gotten to know both of them very well since our move here in 2011 . They are very different from each other : Dani is blunt , and has no problem telling you what she is thinking . Aimee is always smiling , and is the type of person who makes you feel better simply by being there . While they are almost night and day in their own personality , when it comes to patient care they both always put the patient first . [ 4 ] Another similarity is that they are both incredibly kind people . Even though I have been out of the loop in the residency , I try to stay in constant touch with both of them ; this can prove difficult for them , as Aimee is tending to a newborn while getting ready to become a working physician , and Dani is working as a clinician in Cleveland . Yet somehow they both find the time to check up on me . Dani Watkins : Those of us lucky enough to be in the family medicine field know that priority number one is family . Our residency program is no different , we are all linked together as a part of a unique family unit , and when one of us is struggling it is very hard on all of us . The first feeling I had when we found out what was happening with Chris was fear . Fear for the surgery he would need , fear it was cancer , and fear for what this would mean for his recovery . The first feeling of relief was when Fleur told us it was not cancer and it appeared the surgeon had gotten all of it . Then my concern shifted to ' how will his recovery go ? How will Chris and Fleur handle a new baby and care for Christian ? ' When I saw Chris at Sparrow after he was transferred , I will not sugarcoat it … . . it was overwhelming to see such a strong , young , and active person be suddenly thrown into a state of complete dependence in such a short time when we had just worked together at the hospital a few short weeks prior . This threw all of us into protection mode at the program . Everyone worked together and we knew what we needed to do . Although we could not physically help Chris go through therapy , we could split up calls , take Fleur 's calls , bring food , and send well wishes of encouragement . When Chris asked if I would work with Aimee as co - chief resident , I could not turn this down . I had not initially wanted to be a co - chief , and also wasn 't sure if the program wanted me . Without question it was something I needed to do . Chris ' absence was difficult in the fact that our friend , our family member , was not by our side as before . What amazes me is the love the other residents showed , and their complete selflessness in covering any and all calls that needed to be covered . The office in baskets for Chris and Fleur were divvied up , and patient care continued on . The sadness I believe we all felt when first seeing Chris after surgery has melted away , as now when I see him , his strength and physical ability has improved so much and the capacity for the human body to heal has proven to be simply miraculous . The sheer mental strength and love Chris and Fleur both possess is even more miraculous . We all wait with bated breath for his time to return , and although we are moving on as we have graduated I have no doubt Chris will return to finish residency and will be a better physician for having gone through the trials he has . Aimee Tegtmeier : Naturally it was very difficult for me to see Chris as a patient and not as a fellow physician . It was surreal what he and his family , and us as a residency family , were facing . Brain tumors happen to other people , not to people I know and care about . As scary as the diagnosis was , I was relieved to hear the word benign . However , we knew this wasn 't the end of the story . Chris would have a long road of recovery ahead . I tried to put myself in his shoes . Would I be angry , confused , in denial ? Or perhaps just relieved to not be facing a malignant diagnosis ? I was amazed to watch Chris face his challenge with dignity and resolve . Though he was noticeably different on the outside ( speech and visual changes , difficulty with walking , fatigue , etc ) the same old Chris shown through from the inside . During the early stages of his surgical recovery despite his physical deficits , he always seemed to have a positive attitude . I never once heard him complain . In fact , whenever we would visit him he always seemed more interested in our goings - ons than he was with recounting his own difficulties . His wife ( and my colleague ) Fleur was also a pillar of strength during this time . The usual smile that graces her face never left . I admire the way she stood by Chris as his encourager . Prior to the diagnosis and surgery , Chris had just been elected co - chief resident along with myself . In his absence , my colleague Dani volunteered to take over the bulk of Chris 's role . It was strange to plod ahead without him . He was always there in spirit and offered to spearhead several projects . But his recovery was no doubt a full time job , mentally , emotionally and physically ; and I know he regretted missing the opportunity to his class in full force . One thing that really stood out to me during this time was that Chris still viewed himself as a physician in pursuit of his end goals . Even though he was forced to take on the role of the patient , I felt like Chris didn 't let his physical handicaps limit his aspiration . He was not retreating or [ 1 ] See an earlier post titled " Greg and Megha " . They were the outgoing chiefs at the time of my diagnosis and surgery .

April 2016 : After three years away from this blog I 'm back . It was originally started so I could make sense of the madness that ensued after my marriage to a sociopath . Much has changed , grown and been created since then - including reclaiming my full birth name Melanie Pledger . My voice has become stronger , and so has my mission . I 'm here on this earth to share the life - changing magic that developed as a result of my personal journey overcoming abuse , abandonment , manipulation and betrayal . I 've learned that many of the rules we 've been taught about life are fundamentally wrong . They 've been misunderstood by most , misused by some , and deliberately misdirected by the manipulators who live and breathe among us . I 've also learned that it 's easier and more enjoyable than people think to shift things around . . . Now I know there was a reason for it all . So now I 'm back to fill in the gaps . To share what I 've discovered , and dispel the myths that don 't serve us . . . I look forward to reconnecting with old friends , and discovering new ones . Thank you for being here . Mel xxx Well , it 's finally happened . After all the ups and downs , the in and outs , the backwards and forwards ( and any other number of opposites you care to mention ! ) by book has finally made it out to the world . Not as a ' pre - order ' or ' will be available some time in the future ' - nope , it 's available NOW on Amazon Kindle worldwide , as well as iBooks and other ebook outlets . . . Hoorah ! ! ! ! ! It has been one heck of a journey getting to this stage . Strangely enough , the actual writing of the book was one of the easier parts . It was the following parts in the process that made life tricky . Tricky and interesting enough , perhaps , to form the basis of another book . . . ? Maybe . We 'll see about that . So what 's all this got to do with the title of this post ? Well , after all the publishing shenanigans , the day that the book became available on Amazon was 21 . 12 . 12 - the day that , apparently , the world was due to end . Or change . Since I 'm writing this post on 28th December , I think it 's fair to say that the world didn 't end . . . or if it did then I 'm living in some kind of parallel universe . So then it must mark the beginning of a change ? I believe that changes are afoot . Big ones . Good ones . Although not necessarily all comfortable ones - I 've learned that the process of real and positive change can rarely be described as comfortable ! Perhaps this is all part of the bigger plan . . . ? It 's fair to say that in this particular adventure of mine there have been so many ' co - incidences ' that my faith in a bigger picture has strengthened enormously . As a typical example , of all the dates possible , how peculiarly delicious that my story be made public at the end of the Mayan calendar ? For me , it certainly marks the end of one world - a world where my voice was silent , where there was ' bad stuff ' to deal with , and where the fight was relentless . In its place is the new world . Where I am surrounded by love , peace and opportunities for continued growth . I don 't know what this book will bring , but I hope beyond hope that it somehow manages to help others . I already know of one person it has helped even before it was published ; so I guess in a way , whatever happens I 've already achieved my goal . Anything else from this point forward can only be a bonus : - ) Of course I can 't say for certain . But I can say , because I feel it in my bones , that 2013 is going to be one heck of a year . Not just for me , but for many of us . The wind of change is blowing . Things will be different . And I intend to play my part in consciously creating a better world . Out with pain and suffering , and in with speaking out and healing . Or as the late Vaclav Havel put it " Truth and love must prevail over lies and hate " . . . . Bring it on , and count me in . Because I , for one , am ready ! Last night I went to see ( and thoroughly enjoyed ) the new James Bond film , " Skyfall " . Without giving away any of the plot , " orphans make the best recruits " is a line directed at Daniel Craig 's 007 . Delivered by the wonderful Judi Dench as M , the words struck me with such surprising force that I gasped out loud , instinctively clasping my hands to my mouth to muffle the sound . I had gone on my own , and I can tell you I felt more than a little embarrassed when people started looking my way to see what had caused the slapping sound ! I missed the next couple of minutes while I tried to make sense of what had just happened . Where did that response come from ? How had those words , out of the blue , had such an impact ? What did it all mean ? M 's statement and my questions swam round and round my brain , slowly but surely connecting with and awakening something from deep within . . . Yes , as those who know me and my writing are already aware , my parents were both dead well before I reached seventeen - not still a child but not yet an adult . So it is easy to understand the immediate connection with the word ' orphan ' . But it was more than that . Because suddenly , out of nowhere , I could identify with Bond 's approach to his world . Now hold on a moment , I 'm not saying that I 'm some kind of secret agent , nor that I possess any special skills or super powers that could in any way liken me to 007 . No , it 's not that at all . What it is , though , is the realisation that being an orphan has , perhaps , made me much more prepared to take on battles - for others as well as for myself . With that comes a better understanding why others , perhaps , are less willing to push as much or as far as I do . It 's fair to say that I am driven - some friends might even call me obsessive . That 's why I 'll consistently stand up for what I believe to be right . That 's why I will not stay quiet when something needs saying . That 's why I strive to help others tap in to their own inner strength . Last night , though , I realised with startling clarity that up until now I had felt more shameful of my early label than I had previously acknowledged . With that came the shocking realisation that despite all my efforts , I have been holding on to that shame in some way . I 'll always remember ' the handbag scene ' ( as I call it ) from the play " The Importance Of Being Earnest " when Lady Bracknell scathingly rebukes the title character on discovering he has no parents " To lose one parent , Mr Worthing , may be regarded as a misfortune . To lose both looks like carelessness ! " For my sins , I of course had been far worse than just careless ; not only did I lose both parents , but I was also effectively disowned by the rest of my family as a result of my determination to fight for my sister . Goodness only knows what Lady Bracknell would have made of that . . . ! When M 's words shot out and grabbed inside me , shaking me by the scruff of the neck , I knew it was an important message . Thoughts and feelings tumbling over one another , I suddenly saw with cinematic clarity how it is that I refuse to give up . What it is that drives me to be the best I can , and to make the best of everything that comes my way . Why it is that I will fight to the death for something that I believe in . Until last night , though , I 'm pretty sure there that somewhere deep down I had been somehow trying to ' make up ' for being not quite complete . Striving to create a proper family , a nurturing home , authentic relationships and loving friendships to mirror the ones I knew in my early childhood . Don 't get me wrong , I am still keen to enjoy all of those things in my life - but something has changed . The past few weeks have taken their toll on me for various reasons , and I have often found myself in a pretty dark space . I always say that the darkest hour is the one before dawn , and I am fully aware that recently I have been a pretty complex and sometimes difficult companion . Tears flow easily , and I am no stranger to staring face first in to the pit of despair . It doesn 't scare me - I just thought that the answers might lie somewhere in the murky depths . But I think . . . hmmm . . . . nope , I know . . . that I have had an unexpected epiphany thanks to a line from a Hollywood movie . Funny , eh , how these things can just sneak up on people like that ? I am no longer ashamed of my past . And , more to the point , I am actually proud of who I am and of what those experiences helped me become . Things happened , I can 't change them . . . and now I see them as a blessing not a curse . I 'm lucky to have the additional ' armour ' that makes me a force to be reckoned with - it 's who I am . Not who I was , or what I should or could have been . . . It 's who I am right now . I don 't need to search out the perfect family . I don 't need to prove myself . I don 't have to push myself to the limits just to prove that I 'm good enough . There 's no going back . It 's frankly no good me looking to recreate the same love and safety I felt as a child . It 's a futile search and I shall never find it - those days are long gone , and I am finally ready to let them go and accept a new reality of my own making . No comparisons . No measures . No attempts to recreate . Because things are different now . I am me . And yes , like James Bond , I had to grow up pretty darned quickly . Heck , those same experiences eventually made his character an international hero for goodness sakes ! But you know what ? I can 't change my past , and I can 't reclaim any perceived loss of childhood or innocence - and neither should I even think about wanting to do so . Because the fact is , I am who I am , and I believe that I 'm blessed with the strength and determination that is a direct result of what happened . It means that I carry on regardless , knowing that I survived the worst . Each additional shockwave has only helped me to grow . That 's why I 'm one of the best recruits for this life . . . The difference , since yesterday , is that I am going forward as me and for me . It 's ironic how regularly I encourage my clients to look ahead , to grasp the future with both hands . I have a sneaky feeling that perhaps I 've been ever so slightly holding myself back and holding on to the past . . . Doh ! Well no more . What 's done is done , and I 'm proud of who I am and the life I have lived until now . The past is indeed the past . It is buried and I am whole . And I am finally ready to step in to the new world . Sitting here in my kitchen in France , I am pondering what may now lie ahead . The past few months have been , it 's fair to say , a pretty strange ride even by my book - a case of fact being far stranger than fiction . But here I am now , facing another ending . This time it 's the ending of what has been a good and healthy relationship , but one that has now run it 's course . It 's time to move on . I don 't know what the future may hold , but I 'm hoping that one day I will once again feel sunshine in my heart . My time with Patrice has given me the opportunity to feel genuine love . To share . To honour boundaries . To be real . To trust feelings . To be open . To appreciate the humanness of two souls who came together and , I hope , gave and will continue to give enrichment to both our lives . From the very beginning we recognised that there were many differences between us - but through those differences we somehow found a middle ground where we both thrived . Was it too much to expect it could last for ever ? Well , perhaps . And perhaps I have had my rose tinted glasses on for much of the time - or perhaps not . I don 't know . And you know what ? It doesn 't matter . I do know that right from the start we have both been honest with each other , even though sometimes the honesty has not been easy . We have always said that we hoped we would both grow from this experience together . For me I know I have learned through this relationship that there are indeed ' good men ' in this world - something that , perhaps , only now I can fully appreciate . Perhaps the scars from my ex had indeed run deeper than I had chosen to acknowledge - even to myself . For that was a relationship that ( for me at least ) seemed to be perfect , but turned out to be just a sham . Abandoned , betrayed and ashamed , there were many times I thought I 'd never be able to pull through . But I did . And with Patrice I found the courage to once again open my heart - to him and to myself . But unlike the sudden finish of my marriage , this is a new kind of ending . Because this is a mutual ( if painful ) acknowledgement that our relationship has run it 's course . We 've come to the place where over recent weeks there has been more angst than peace , and more heaviness than light . Life is worth more than that - for both of us . So it 's time to be honest and face the tough reality that it 's time to move on . And so we 're talking . We 're crying . We 're sharing . And we 're working through the next steps . We 'll support each other , and we will both find a better world . It isn 't easy . But it 's honest . And it 's real . And I know that I 'll carry with me all the happy memories of the good times we 've had together for the rest of my life . In the words of Edith Piaf " Je ne regrette rien " This was a phrase my mother used to repeat to me when I was a child . Kindly eyes and a smile always accompanied her words " I want doesn 't get , Melanie , you know that ! " Of course I can 't be certain what she meant or understood by her words ( I know for sure that it could only have been something positive ) but what I can absolutely vouch for , wholeheartedly and from experience , is that this phrase , when taken by itself , holds a deep wisdom that is totally and utterly true - and more than that , it offers freedom . More of that later . At the time though , I remember taking it to mean that I couldn 't ask for what I wanted . That the things I desired were out of my reach . That I didn 't deserve them . That I was being a brat ( like the spoilt and demanding Veruca Salt in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory ) or too greedy ( fuelled by the continuing belief that I was both fat and clumsy ) . So the result was that I felt shamed and hurt - and usually cross . Because I was being denied , and because I felt so stupid for asking in the first place . Funny , ain 't it , how distance provides clarity ? It 's only looking back that I can recognise that sense of being ' not enough ' was there way back in my early childhood . Yes , ok , it could be argued that there are completely understandable reasons why I would harbour such emotions at that time - and why I 've subsequently worked so hard to come to terms with what happened in my formative years . I digress . Because my point is this - I reckon that my response back then is one that is shared by many others today when told that " I want " is something that rarely achieves the desired result . This is an observation that has been the subject of countless lively discussions - in both my professional and personal life . Because I 've come to understand that when people ( myself included ) wish to improve something about their life experience , our automatic statement tends to be " I want . . . " followed by whatever the desire may be - a new relationship , a new job , a better home , a happier life , or just to get out of this mess . . . whatever it is that we feel needs changing . I can 't count the number of times in my past when I have cried out in utter despair " All I want is to be happy and to feel loved ! " Now , I realise , this is precisely where I started to go wrong . Why ? Because far from bringing whatever the goal might be in to reality ( although the desire was very real - excruciatingly real at times ) , that very statement of ' wanting ' only heightened my personal experience of not having . I have read ( and seen ) countless motivational teachers telling their audience to focus on what it is they want . Encouraging them to state it loud and clear . To create passion around their wants . And then to make a plan to achieve it . Based on what I now understand , so far as I 'm concerned all that does is create a whole heap of extra work - more work for the audience and more work for the motivational speaker ( with my cynical hat on , I question whether this is perhaps deliberate in some cases ) . Because then people require guidance on how , exactly , to bring their goal in to fruition . Don 't get me wrong . I 'm not saying there 's anything wrong in having goals - far from it . What I am saying is that the way we often go about it is flawed from the start . From bitter ( and valuable ) experience , I 've realised that the more we get clear on what it is we want , the more we create the experience of not having . We surround ourselves with a series of wants , which only confirms them as the very things we don 't have . And the more we have the experience of not having , the more we feel inadequate in some way shape or form . The more we feel inadequate , the more we diminish who we are and the less likely it is that we 'll experience the contentment we desire through achieving whatever it is we are seeking . . . and so it becomes a vicious circle . In other words " a self - perpetuating process which returns to its starting point with no improvement from where it was begun " Am I beginning to make sense here . . . ? I don 't profess to have the complete solution . But what I am saying right here , hand on heart , is that I believe a simple shift in the words we use can have a profound impact on our immediate internal response - and , therefore , an equally profound impact on the likelihood of achieving whatever it is we desire . No matter what that might be . It 's taken me many years of frustration to reach this understanding . When it suddenly clicked in to place , I remember feeling a huge sense of relief - so much so that I actually started to laugh . A weight lifted from my shoulders , and I suddenly felt a sense of freedom . Like so many great truths , it 's so simple and yet so elusive at the same time . I 'm not talking here about positive affirmations . Nope - it 's more than that . Affirmations encourage us to shift whatever it is we want in to a statement that affirms we already have it using language that is positive , personal and present tense . For example " I want to lose weight " becomes " I am slim " . Let me be clear here , I do believe there 's a huge amount of value in affirmations . I used to work as a Louise Hay trainer , and affirmations have been ( and continue to be ) a great source of inspiration to me . But I also know from my own experience that merely stating something as a fact doesn 't automatically mean that it 's going to happen - because in many cases ( well , certainly in my own case ! ) deep down we still don 't actually believe it to be possible . So for me , the inner battle continued . It 's fair to say that I 've had a love / hate relationship with affirmations . . . more positive than negative I 'd like to add , and I certainly acknowledge it as a methodology that has been hugely instrumental in my own development . Because it was through that process it first dawned on me that a shift in the way I described something ( to myself and others ) gave me a different experience - immediately . I realised that I actually had far more control over the way I felt than I had previously acknowledged . I came to learn that I could indeed shape my world no matter what was happening - and it gave me an immense sense of liberation . But that wasn 't enough . Because , as I said earlier , the internal battle would often continue - no matter how many times or with how much conviction I would state my own affirmation " I am loved and I am enough ! " it was , quite simply , a bridge too far . So I sought to find another solution . I explored belief change processes with NLP . I had a go with Breathwork techniques . I studied Reiki . I played with Hypnosis . I became a student of firewalking . And I loved every new practice I learned along the way - every one of which continues to add substance to what I do today . And through it all I discovered the resounding truth that the answer was here all along - within me . Yep . All those years of looking outside for the answer brought me right back to the place of origin - in the words of Joan Armatrading : Me , Myself , I Because what I 've learned , is that I can bring my desires in to reality much more easily - simply by becoming conscious of the way I talk about them . I 've learned that it 's about consciously finding a ' link ' between the actual and the desired reality . It 's about already accepting what it is I think I 'd like to be , do or have - in a way that feels smooth , easy and natural . In other words , in a way that is accepted and believed by the whole of who I am , conscious and subconscious . Light and dark . Yin and yang . . . . however we choose to describe the richness of our human existence ! The key , I 've found , is in replacing " want " ( along with " need " " have to " " should " " must " and any number of other such demanding expressions ) with a word that is both neutral and supportive . From there , I can get clear on what is important . I found a great starting point is the verb " choose " because it fits the bill in the vast majority of cases . It maintains connection and there can be no subconscious argument . For example " I want to get a better job " becomes instead " I choose to get a better job " ( rather than " I have a better job " as would be the case in an affirmation , which I would of course have fought against ) just as " I want to feel loved " becomes instead " I choose to feel loved " . And wooo hooo . . . there it was ! That simple linking word gave me the experience , the possibility , the probability that in actual fact it could be mine . . . because I suddenly felt it to be true . Somewhere deep within me I felt the innocence of curiosity - because suddenly I knew that I did indeed have the choice . Putting in the word " choose " rather than " want " gave me the freedom to feel it right there and then . . . and decide whether or not it really was something I ' wanted ' . The weird thing has been , though , that quite often whatever the ' thing ' was that I thought I wanted so much , actually became much less pressing as soon as it became linked to what I already am . Hence , as I said earlier , the sense of freedom and relief . Because from that point I came to understand that I really could choose - I could differentiate between what was really important and what was just mind - chatter . And if whatever it was still felt as important to me , then my next question became " so how can I experience more of this " by building on what I was already feeling . Very different from the task - driven step - by - step process to achieve a " want " goal that by definition I could never experience until it 's achieved - so I could have no clarity in judging whether it was really something I 'd like to have in my life , until I 'd put in the hard work ! Whereas " choose " goals suddenly allowed me the opportunity to experience the possibility and then develop solutions - a bit like those " try before you buy " mini paintpots , allowing you to check whether you 're really going to like the effect at home before committing yourself to the colour you think you like in the shop . So my wise mother , as usual , was right all those years ago . I want doesn 't get - it 's so very true . But " I choose " can make all things possible , in ways that are safe , supportive , and real . And this is a technique that is oh so important to me right now . Why ? Because the past few months have been a relentless roller - coaster of experiences and emotions - some of which I 've already written about , others I will write about when the time is right . It 's fair to say that I 've had high highs and low lows , riding the waves and rolling with the punches . Now it 's time for me to rest and regroup while things take their natural course . In past times I may well have resorted to the affirmation " I 'm full of energy and all is well ! " which , at a core level is absolutely the case . But I 've also learned , that in moments when I 'm feeling less than vibrant , it 's perfectly ok to be that way . After all , the times when my son told me he was feeling unwell or tired , did I tell him to pull himself together and get on with it ? Of course not . Well , these days the same goes for me . So while I might be feeling a little bruised and battle - weary , it 's perfectly ok . I am choosing to look after myself - knowing that I am indeed loved and that I am ( and always was ) already enough . I 'm choosing to let myself be , in whatever way is right for me right now - because that , it 's true to say , is all that counts . And so it is that I ' want ' for nothing , because I already am . Hmmmm . . . well now . . . so where do I go from here ? I 've been pondering the question of how to continue my writing and link it with my on - going quest to reach out to other people . The first book was ( relatively ) straight - forward , taking a few weeks to capture over four decades - worth of extreme ups and downs . It kind of wrote itself once I got going with it . . . I know in my heart though , that " I 'm Still Standing " is only the beginning . I have a dream that one day I am able to stand up and speak to others on the subject of survival and healing from any situation , big or small - including life itself . It 's a huge dream , and I sometimes wonder whether I 'm kidding myself that I 'll be able to achieve it . After all , there have been so many curve - balls threatening a number of previous hopes that perhaps this is another one that will eventually dissolve in to the ether . But somehow I don 't think so . This is one that 's been with me for more years than I care to remember - and in many ways I guess I 've already been partly living that dream through the various training workshops I continue to run . I 've learned a multitude of techniques that have helped me through the good times and the bad - many of which I am now fortunate enough to be able to pass on to my coaching clients within the corporate arena . But ' business ' is only one aspect of what I 'd like to be doing . I know there are many more people out there who I simply would never come in contact with during my professional career . . . and these are the people I would most like to connect with now . That 's why I write for Lovefraud and that , after all , is also why I decided to write the book in the first place - to share my experiences in the hope that my story would resonate with others . In the not too distant future my book will finally hit the shelves ( watch this space ) and I am now considering my next steps . Is it too soon to be thinking this way ? I 'm not sure - but I don 't think so . Surely it 's better to be prepared ? The question is , though , how exactly am I going to move forward from here . Even since finishing the book I have experienced quite an extraordinary set of events that would in themselves make a great follow - up . But is that the way to go ? Should I continue writing about my own experiences , or would I be better creating a novel or two instead ? Perhaps I can do a small second book of memoirs and at the same time craft some fiction stories based around what I already know to be true ? Perhaps , on the other hand , I could start creating some speaking and workshop - type activities that can support the book ? Perhaps I should just write a " How - To " manuscript that details my own self - coaching tools and techniques ? I don 't know . . . I don 't know . . . But hey , you know what ? When hit with the " I don 't know " blocker , it 's the time to start asking myself instead " well ok , but supposing I DID know . . . then what ? " And that , to be honest is where I 'm at - imagining that I do know exactly what my next steps are , and then feeling overwhelmed by the possible routes that lie ahead of me ! Of course , there 's then the other option of just doing nothing at all . Pulling back from this particular circus , and living a simple carefree life here in France . Hmmm . . . . do you think I 'd last very long with that ? Nope . I thought not . The fact is , whether I like it or not , I am driven to do this stuff - so simple is not for me . Carefree , yes , perhaps , because each new day I am feeling happier and more relaxed than I can remember being before . At the same time I am filled with a passion that burns inside me . I thrive in sharing with others that which I know can add value - and I 'm learning more every day . Each new day brings its own set of challenges - in my world and also in the world of other people - so each day offers the opportunity to delve still deeper in to the field of learning and self - development . I always used to say that so long as there is a question mark over my head , then it means I 'm alive and growing . The minute there are no more questions , then there is little left to life . I know , it probably sounds a bit OTT , but hey , that 's just the way I see things . Well right now there are questions all over the place , and while at times I am finding myself feeling somewhat dazed and confused , in the main I reckon I 'm slowly finding a way through . My dreams are alive and kicking , and I am ready . Now it 's just a question of finding out which particular route really lights my fire . . . and after that , well , as I 've learned from experience , the ' hows ' tend to take care of themselves . It felt so deliciously peaceful just floating there in the nothingness . The noisy mind - chatter all but disappeared , I was happily allowing myself to drift off to sleep , enjoying the half - way - ness of being here , there and nowhere in particular . It was Thursday 9th August , and I was staying in Gloucester with my dear friends Sarah and Kevin . With me was Patrice , a wonderfully kind and loving Frenchman that I have been seeing for a few months . I 'd been rather distant with him for the past few days , and was concerned that I didn 't understand my feelings towards him . I 'd been pondering our relationship as I dozed off to sleep , and that was the moment when she came to me . I sensed her way before I saw her , feeling her presence floating up from somewhere below me . . . a rich , deep soul filled with love and laughter . And then , down to my left , a beautiful pair of treacle brown eyes appeared in the distance . They were searching - open , smiling , but not quite certain . I looked down to meet her gaze , and smiled at the mass of unkempt chocolatey curls that framed the most beautiful face . She stopped moving towards me when I smiled and just stayed there , hovering , questioning - was she shy ? Was she nervous ? Looking in to her eyes , I somehow knew what she was asking . In the silence that hung between us I told her " It 's OK . I 've got you . You 're safe " Her smile broadened , and I felt the most enormous surge of love and connection between us . I asked her who she was . It was unclear at first , but slowly the letters appeared and the sounds formed . . . . Maddy . She let me know that her name was Maddy . And that she loved me . " I knew I was ! " I burbled to Sarah , who was there with me - and who actually checked the result for me because I 'd been too nervous to look myself ! " I just knew it ! What on earth am I going to do ? " Screams , questions , tears and an overwhelming sense of joy danced and crashed around together inside me , and I burst in to tears . I knew instantly that any idea of termination was out of the question , so it was a matter of getting used to the idea and finding out how I really felt . Sitting on a bench outside just a few moments later , I called my friend Anna in France . Checking first whether she was sitting down , I blurted out the news . " You 'll never believe it . . . But I 'm pregnant ! " And with that it all became real . She was the first person I had told the news to - and now that the news was shared , it made it reality . Although the tears were flowing and I was still shaking with the shock , Anna 's response brought a smile to my face " Well , what a wonderful gift " she enthused " and you and Patrice will make wonderful parents ! " Patrice was overjoyed with the news - surprised , yes , but absolutely delighted . The more I got used to the idea , the happier I became . Me , a mother again , when I honestly thought any possibility of producing a sibling for Dylan was way behind me . I felt incredibly blessed , and determined to to everything possible to protect the little soul that was growing inside me . A couple of days later I returned to France , and collected Dylan from the train station . He 'd been staying with friends and of course I hadn 't wanted to tell him the news until we were face to face . Naturally concerned about how he may react , I was overjoyed to find that he was as happy as me - he was delighted by the idea that he was going to be a big brother ! I knew the baby was a little girl , and I shared with Dylan my story about Maddy - far from being sceptical , he gave me the hugest cuddle and said he was looking forward to meeting his sister . My own sister was also pleased for me , and with every passing hour I felt more filled with joy and wonderment as the miracle continued to unfold in front of me . Then just last Wednesday , and with no warning , I started to bleed . Only a small amount at first , but then quickly building as the cramps set in . I was losing Maddy . It was the same day that Dylan was packing to leave home , and it felt to me that I was losing two children in one fell swoop . It may make little sense , but although I had only known I was pregnant for less than a week , it felt like my entire world was falling apart . That evening , together with Patrice , I sobbed and wailed for my unborn baby . I had never appreciated the pain of a miscarriage - both emotional and physical - and simply was not prepared for the strength of overwhelming sadness that hit and hit again with relentless force . " I don 't know what bloody contract my soul signed before I was born " I sobbed to Ruth and Anna who had come the moment I realised what was happening " but I clearly didn 't read the flippin small - print ! I just can 't do this roller - coaster any more . I just can 't . . . " But of course I could . And I did . The past week has been , quite frankly , absolutely ghastly . I dealt relatively quickly with the emotional onslaught , but physically it 's been just horrid . I had never appreciated just how debilitating it is to experience a miscarriage , and my heart bleeds for those women who lose unborn children at a much later stage than my relatively insignificant four weeks . My body doesn 't know what it 's doing , my hormones are all over the place , and I am physically and emotionally exhausted . As with everything else , though , this experience has brought me unexpected gifts . I have learned so much - about myself and the wonderful people who are around me - and I feel more blessed now than I did before Maddy 's appearance . She has brought this to me , and while I may never hold her in my arms , I will always hold her in my heart . Now I know without doubt that Patrice and I have a real chance of creating a wonderful future together . There is no need for me to hide or be scared anymore - he 's not Cam . And he 's going nowhere . On paper it may seem an unlikely proposition - he doesn 't speak a word of English , he 's 11 years younger than me , and until a couple of weeks ago had never left the country . But at the same time , he 's the kindest , most gentle and genuine person I 've ever met - and we get on like a house on fire . As well as that , I also know that despite my age , I would very much like to have another child . Whether or not it 's going to be possible , who knows . The hospital has already warned me of the dangers of pregnancy for older women - both for mother and for child . But hey , life 's about love , miracles and hope isn 't it ? And goodness knows I 'm now ready and willing to accept and experience all of the good stuff . So , now my focus will be on looking after myself - properly . And that means shifting some weight , taking up exercise , eating healthily and allowing myself to be loved and cared for by a man who may just possibly turn out to be the person I grow old with . And with a bit of luck , we may yet be able to welcome a new soul in to the world . This week I saw a quote on Facebook that spoke to me loud and clear " Keep shining , beautiful ones . This world needs your light " - because it immediately made me think of everyone here on Lovefraud . I imagined each and every beautiful person who reads and contributes to the site , and as I did so , my heart warmed and prompted a smile … and moist eyes . Why did I think of this community ? Because I truly believe that our experiences ultimately help all of us to shine more brightly as a result . At the same time , I fully appreciate that this notion may still seem to many to be a long way off , or even an impossibility to some people here - perhaps that was what prompted the tears ? Well , that together with an overwhelmingly strong ( yet clearly unrealistic ) urge to reach out and show those people the future . A future where you are reclaimed and reconnected with your beautiful true self - and burning brightly as a beacon of hope that helps others find their way out of the darkness . For three and a bit years since I realised that my ' dream ' relationship was a nightmare in disguise , I have come to the place where I view my encounter as a blessing . Blessings that , at the time , were heavily camouflaged . . . absolutely . Painful beyond description . . . heck yes . Soul - shatteringly destructive , leaving me broken , exhausted , humiliated , knocked out , wiped out and on the floor . . . yep , you got it . Words , it appears , particularly now as I look back over what happened , seem totally inadequate when describing the hollow darkness of the weeks and months that followed my own discovery . Like so many of us here , how can any living person be expected to function after their soul has been ripped out , stamped on and thrown out with the rubbish - whilst at the same time realizing that the architect of their downfall has been smirking during the whole process … ? When explaining my own experiences , people have asked me how I survived . I remember asking myself the same question myself at my lowest times - I also remember sinking so far down that I even considered the alternative to survival … . The thing is , though , I have come to realize that if people can live through such horrendous times ( and all of us here on the site are indeed living - although some days may actually feel like ' barely hanging on by a thread ' ) then surely … . surely … as we come through the other side we must come to truly appreciate the strength of our spirit , and be proud of who we are ? Surely we must reach a place where we can recognize the energy , focus , determination and love it took to come through … ? I have noticed that there is a light that comes from people who have successfully overcome adversity - in any shape or form , large or small , physical or mental . Yes , they also carry the battle scars , of course . But the thing that speaks most clearly for me is the determined light that shines from within . It shows in their eyes , and it can be heard in their voice . There is something subtle , inviting , and thoroughly human about these people that cannot help but inspire . We only have to look at the upcoming Paralympics to recognize the shining light of determination and passion in every athlete who has worked to overcome physical difficulties . On the other hand there are countless newspaper stories about people who have survived murder attempts , wars , violence and all manner of human cruelty . People who have subsequently gone on to live fulfilling lives and who quietly encourage others in the process . Then there are the ' everyday angels ' - people who put themselves out to care for others who are in need . There are also survivors of life - threatening diseases . Then there is everyone here in the Lovefraud community - and others like us . People who are in various stages of waking up to the nightmare … and journeying through to the other side . It 's true , I know , that not everyone makes it this far - so already we are the lucky ones . And as we continue sharing our stories , supporting and guiding each other , and helping to educate others … so we continue to heal and we continue to become brighter . As I said in last week 's post , we are the ones who know , who ' get it ' and who are already reaching out to others facing confusion and pain at the hands of a disordered personality - whatever the relationship . It was reading though the countless posts and comments on this particular site in 2009 that helped me to make sense of the madness . That helped me realize I was not alone . That prompted me to find out as much as I possibly could about the little understood subject of sociopathy . Even though I could feel the pain in so many of the comments , at the same time I also felt inspired that people were able to share their experiences , and reach out to others for help and support . It was this very community who , three years ago , played a major role in saving my life and easing me back on track . Your lights were shining strong to me then - your examples showed me the way , and you continue to shine today . Thank you . I am deeply grateful for being a part of this community . And I know beyond any doubt that we are all beautiful . I also know that in our own ways each of us are indeed already shining our light , helping to brighten a world that is crying out to awaken from the darkness . This week I 'd like to tell you a true story - although details have been changed to protect privacy . It concerns a recent dinner conversation I had with a well - balanced , well - educated , professional gentleman who has worked at the same company for over a decade . Why ? Because he believes in what they do , he loves his job , and he loves the people who work there . This man is articulate , intelligent , great company , happily married and by any measure has made a success of his life - I 'll call him James . So , you can imagine my surprise when , in a quiet moment , this strong man took me aside to confide in me about the horrors he had suffered at the hands of a female boss who had recently left the business . The antics of this particular individual took its toll on every member of her team - and indeed on the many others who witnessed the carnage but didn 't know what to do about it . From what James said , it appears she would take delight in ridiculing , menacing and threatening her dedicated team of people . She would have one face for public appearances , and a totally different face behind closed doors . She would make a statement about her team to colleagues , and then berate individuals for ( allegedly ) going behind her back or for non - performance . Rules were changed at the last minute , promises made and broken , rumors spread and threats made - all cloaked with the repeated warning " you 'd better keep this to yourself - don 't say a word to anyone else , you know what I can do " I asked how long it had been going on and whether the other bosses knew what was happening ? " It had been going on for years " he replied , looking down at the floor " but they could never get any concrete evidence on her . We were all too scared and didn 't realize the extent of what she was doing . I honestly thought I was the only one " My heart bled for him , as he went on to explain that he 'd been on medication to combat stress and depression . It was only after his boss had finally been asked to leave that James realised just how many others had suffered similar symptoms . I was intrigued to know how the other leaders in the business had allowed such bullying behaviour to go on for so long . " Well , it 's just the way it is . We all love the business and the people in it - we just have a few really strong characters who still think it 's ok to shout and belittle people . We just get on with it and learn to take the blows … " Now , I don 't know about you , but I personally think that this is a terrible way to go on - and I am constantly horrified that people in positions of authority do not stand up against this sort of behaviour ? For me , as I 've said before , it 's not about witch - hunts or persecution of these individuals . It is not about identifying who may or may not be the sociopath , the narcissist , or the disordered person . No , it 's not about pointing the finger out and hunting them down . It 's simply about recognizing when something ' bad ' happens ( from whatever source , no matter what , where or from whom ) and then finding a way to something about it . Because if we keep silent , or continue to take no action , then we provide ' them ' with their greatest weapon … and they become more lethal the more they gain confidence that they can continue getting away with it . It doesn 't have to be anything major or personally endangering . Even the smallest and seemingly insignificant of actions can have a dramatic result . Making an internal " no " decision , viewing the bully as a coward , maintaining a blank expression when dealing with them , or just simply walking away . All those are within our own control . And all of those diffuse and deflate their perceived power over us . Each and every one of us has the power to do this , and it 's multiplied when we join with others and do the same . Yep , that all makes sense - so what stops us then ? I asked James the same question . His reply was quite simple . " Having taken the emotional beatings for so long , I just got used to it and found ways to make the pain more bearable . I thought I must be wrong , that I was misinterpreting the situation and that I should just get on with it . In hindsight , I can see that the problems started and escalated when I did nothing about the very first attack - because I just brushed it off . As we all did . It gave us a sense of unspoken bonding , surviving the bad stuff together " I come back again to the saying " we see things not as they are , but as we are " - and it 's the nice - guys who make excuses for bad behaviors in others . We 're perhaps too willing to forgive or defend other people , on the compassionate understanding that they might just be having a bad day . I 'm not saying that 's wrong . On the contrary , I believe it 's a healthy quality to maintain and nurture . Along with that quality , though , I also believe that it 's time that as human beings , we all learn to re - set our internal barometer to super - sensitive , and commit to speaking out any and every time we recognize something is even the slightest bit off - course . It doesn 't need to be an accusation … but it certainly needs to become a question . The on - going libel issues surrounding my book , for example , have become a farce - and I have been questioning the wisdom of their progress . Because , not content with the mountains of black and white evidence and witness statements that I have already provided , together with substantial name , relationship and location changes , the legal team are currently of the mind that the next step is to make direct contact with the ' baddies ' in my story and ask them for sign - off on the entire manuscript , just in case there is any way they have any comeback later on . I am flabbergasted . So far as I am concerned , the suggestion demonstrates naivety in the extreme - why on earth would I place myself once again at the mercy of people who I know for a fact to be disordered ? The madness of their suggestion just goes to further confirm my own opinion that the law has lost its way . Who , now , is the law protecting ? Where , now , is the support for freedom of speech ? How , now , is the law standing up for those less able to make their case ? It seems that the easier road to take is that where they , like James , have learned to roll with the punches and protect themselves against the bad people . Because from my experience , they are usually the ones who will cite their civil rights when caught doing something wrong , and who will be familiar with every legal loophole . They are the ones who cost most time and money , because they 've learned to twist the legal system just the way that they learn to twist the true and generous hearted among us . So the automatic route now is to second - guess against what ' they ' might or might not do - rather than to stand up to them and say ' enough is enough ' . And yet , in my heart of hearts , I am certain that many in these professions are themselves sickened by the on - going change of focus - feeling powerless to make a difference when common sense and judgment has given over to tick - boxes and back - covering . I believe that there are far too many professionals who , even though they feel frustrated , continue to keep their own silence , refusing to hold their hand up and ask questions when something is wrong . I read a quote this week by Martin Luther King and I believe it sums up the message I intend to keep sharing - particularly with those in positions of influence who insist on hiding behind bureaucracy , fear , and any number of ' company rules ' and defunct mantras of ' that 's just the way it is ' that keep them trapped in the belief that doing what appears easier automatically translates as doing what is right . Here is the quote that spoke so loudly to me : " Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter " I don 't remember the number of times that my friends warned me not to shut down after it all happened . How many times they 'd ask me not to lose myself . To avoid becoming bitter and lonely . To stay open , despite my pain . Yes , I am very lucky indeed to have such wise and loving friends . I count my blessings and am grateful for such levels of support - particularly during the early days after discovering the truth . At the time I thought they were referring to my ability to trust another romantic relationship . That was ok , because I was always ready with an answer . My well - rehearsed response would be along the lines of " It 's ok , because I know that my feelings were real , even if his were not - and I know for a fact that I experienced true love . So if I felt that with an empty soul , then when one day I find a real person , surely the experience will be ten times better ? " The thing is , though , I have discovered that real love has very little to do with me finding another person . That ' closing off ' does not just mean closing to the world and people that surround me . That yes , staying open is entirely to do with trusting and loving … . But loving who , exactly ? And how … ? As for all of us here , I 've survived some pretty grueling experiences . My personal healing journey after the sociopath involved re - examining some of the old traumas that I thought I 'd already dealt with . Re - opening the sealed emotions that were still hidden away , despite my honest belief that there was nothing left to discover . But there was . And to this day , there continues to be more . There was a time when , to be frank , I was way too scared of going to some of the darker places that lay within me . Because I knew that re - discovery meant opening old scars and digging around in the old hurts . It was going to be painful , and I didn 't know whether I had the courage to go there - toreally go there and find out what was within . To deal with ' whatever it was ' once and for all , so that I could be free and done with it . It was an almighty ask of myself - and there were many times that I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the task I knew lay ahead . I became frightened that if I went to the places that were beckoning me , I might never find my way back out . That I 'd die from the pain , or perhaps be held prisoner for the rest of eternity . On the other hand , I knew that if I didn 't go there , then I was doomed to stay stuck in the living nightmare that had become my life . And that , by comparison , was far too great a hurt to live with . So , caught between a rock and a hard place , I felt pushed to the limit . I had to make a choice . And I made the choice to dive right in , hoping and praying that by facing my fears I would come out the other end . Having made the commitment I discovered that in actual fact the pain was never ' too much to bear ' and neither was I held prisoner . Quite the contrary . Looking back now , I imagine the journey as a daily trek in to a dark mine . Each day hollowing out more rock , my body and determination becoming stronger as I continued to work . The job , by default , therefore becoming easier as I continued scraping away , emerging at the end of each day with a filthy face and a dirty great smile . And you know what ? I never did reach any impasse . I never did find any really ' bad ' thing hidden there . But I did find something . Something that I had never in a million years imagined would be hidden there ! Because underneath all the dark rocks and dirt , I found a diamond . I found myself . I said earlier , I had honestly believed that I 'd already uncovered and dealt with the emotional damage of my past . Because of that I believed that there was nothing left to discover . On top of that , I now realize that I had believed for many years that even if there was any discovering left to be done , it could only possibly be more of the ' bad stuff ' that I 'd hidden away so many years earlier . It didn 't even occur to me that there might be good stuff to discover - DOH ! And now I am thoroughly reveling in finding new stuff within - because I 've finally tapped in to the real love that lies within me . And ever since the first tentative connection was made , it has continued to build . On a daily basis I am finding more ways to love and appreciate myself for who I am - yep , I 've lived with ' me ' for close to five decades , but it feels like I 've only recently started to know myself . I am constantly chuckling at the reflections of this process of unfolding that are now occurring on nearly a daily basis . Just at the weekend , for example , I noticed a stone building by the river on a route that I 've taken countless times over the nine years I have lived in my village . But I had never before taken any notice of the building . On Sunday I not only saw it , I went to explore . There I discovered the most beautiful ' lavoir ' ( a covered area where the locals used to do their washing in years gone by ) that had clearly been standing there for many lifetimes . There it was , an exquisite example of beauty and history right on my doorstep . Yet for so long it had simply been invisible to me . As for my fear of becoming captive to the strength of the pain within ? I now realize that I have been living my life as a prisoner for longer than I care to remember . The journey to cleanse my memories , my emotions , and my soul has ultimately proven to be my salvation . So , for the journey , and for the real love that I am now feeling , I am once again inclined to thank my ex - husband , and all those who have done me harm over the years . I can 't begin to understand their intentions when they were being so cruel , but it doesn 't matter any more . What they did doesn 't matter any more either . Because whether it was intended or not , and whether because or in spite of their actions towards me , I have managed to find myself and re - connect to real love . The real love that was and always has been deep within me . It turns out that it was not the ' bad stuff ' I was afraid of - it was the love . Not the darkness , but the light . Through diving in and facing my deepest fears , I have discovered the truth that it was no - one and no - thing that had been holding the real love back from me . In actual fact I had become my own jail - keeper . I had been holding myself prisoner over so many years . Even through years of forgiveness and self - development work , I had still been hiding my light under a bushel . It was me who 'd denied myself the love and the light . I was the one who had closed myself off . So , since I was the one who had locked the door I was also the one who could open it and let in the sunshine . And as I continue to let the sunshine in , the sunshine continues to grow within me . And as the light grows within me , so my life fills with more and more love . It was here all along . It always has been . I just didn 't know it . But now I do know it - and I also know that others share the same light . Like me , though , many are yet to discover their own brilliance . It 's there . And I 'm here as living testimony that , no matter how impossible it may seem at times , there is indeed real love after the pain . The eternal optimist - tenacious , loyal and passionate about things that are important to me . I 've had an interesting set of life challenges , to say the least . April 2009 found me at age 44 , being hit with the greatest shock of my entire life . Everything I relied on , everything I had believed to be ' real ' had unravelled over just a few short hours , leaving me alone to question every aspect of my life . I felt inspired to write as I moved through the challenges of my on - going journey . Moving out of adversity , through to survival . . . via soul - searching , self - discovery and who knows what else along the way . . . Writing this blog has proved to be extremely cathartic for me , and I hope that reading it is interesting for you ! Thanks for showing up here

April 2016 : After three years away from this blog I 'm back . It was originally started so I could make sense of the madness that ensued after my marriage to a sociopath . Much has changed , grown and been created since then - including reclaiming my full birth name Melanie Pledger . My voice has become stronger , and so has my mission . I 'm here on this earth to share the life - changing magic that developed as a result of my personal journey overcoming abuse , abandonment , manipulation and betrayal . I 've learned that many of the rules we 've been taught about life are fundamentally wrong . They 've been misunderstood by most , misused by some , and deliberately misdirected by the manipulators who live and breathe among us . I 've also learned that it 's easier and more enjoyable than people think to shift things around . . . Now I know there was a reason for it all . So now I 'm back to fill in the gaps . To share what I 've discovered , and dispel the myths that don 't serve us . . . I look forward to reconnecting with old friends , and discovering new ones . Thank you for being here . Mel xxx Well , it 's finally happened . After all the ups and downs , the in and outs , the backwards and forwards ( and any other number of opposites you care to mention ! ) by book has finally made it out to the world . Not as a ' pre - order ' or ' will be available some time in the future ' - nope , it 's available NOW on Amazon Kindle worldwide , as well as iBooks and other ebook outlets . . . Hoorah ! ! ! ! ! It has been one heck of a journey getting to this stage . Strangely enough , the actual writing of the book was one of the easier parts . It was the following parts in the process that made life tricky . Tricky and interesting enough , perhaps , to form the basis of another book . . . ? Maybe . We 'll see about that . So what 's all this got to do with the title of this post ? Well , after all the publishing shenanigans , the day that the book became available on Amazon was 21 . 12 . 12 - the day that , apparently , the world was due to end . Or change . Since I 'm writing this post on 28th December , I think it 's fair to say that the world didn 't end . . . or if it did then I 'm living in some kind of parallel universe . So then it must mark the beginning of a change ? I believe that changes are afoot . Big ones . Good ones . Although not necessarily all comfortable ones - I 've learned that the process of real and positive change can rarely be described as comfortable ! Perhaps this is all part of the bigger plan . . . ? It 's fair to say that in this particular adventure of mine there have been so many ' co - incidences ' that my faith in a bigger picture has strengthened enormously . As a typical example , of all the dates possible , how peculiarly delicious that my story be made public at the end of the Mayan calendar ? For me , it certainly marks the end of one world - a world where my voice was silent , where there was ' bad stuff ' to deal with , and where the fight was relentless . In its place is the new world . Where I am surrounded by love , peace and opportunities for continued growth . I don 't know what this book will bring , but I hope beyond hope that it somehow manages to help others . I already know of one person it has helped even before it was published ; so I guess in a way , whatever happens I 've already achieved my goal . Anything else from this point forward can only be a bonus : - ) Of course I can 't say for certain . But I can say , because I feel it in my bones , that 2013 is going to be one heck of a year . Not just for me , but for many of us . The wind of change is blowing . Things will be different . And I intend to play my part in consciously creating a better world . Out with pain and suffering , and in with speaking out and healing . Or as the late Vaclav Havel put it " Truth and love must prevail over lies and hate " . . . . Bring it on , and count me in . Because I , for one , am ready ! Last night I went to see ( and thoroughly enjoyed ) the new James Bond film , " Skyfall " . Without giving away any of the plot , " orphans make the best recruits " is a line directed at Daniel Craig 's 007 . Delivered by the wonderful Judi Dench as M , the words struck me with such surprising force that I gasped out loud , instinctively clasping my hands to my mouth to muffle the sound . I had gone on my own , and I can tell you I felt more than a little embarrassed when people started looking my way to see what had caused the slapping sound ! I missed the next couple of minutes while I tried to make sense of what had just happened . Where did that response come from ? How had those words , out of the blue , had such an impact ? What did it all mean ? M 's statement and my questions swam round and round my brain , slowly but surely connecting with and awakening something from deep within . . . Yes , as those who know me and my writing are already aware , my parents were both dead well before I reached seventeen - not still a child but not yet an adult . So it is easy to understand the immediate connection with the word ' orphan ' . But it was more than that . Because suddenly , out of nowhere , I could identify with Bond 's approach to his world . Now hold on a moment , I 'm not saying that I 'm some kind of secret agent , nor that I possess any special skills or super powers that could in any way liken me to 007 . No , it 's not that at all . What it is , though , is the realisation that being an orphan has , perhaps , made me much more prepared to take on battles - for others as well as for myself . With that comes a better understanding why others , perhaps , are less willing to push as much or as far as I do . It 's fair to say that I am driven - some friends might even call me obsessive . That 's why I 'll consistently stand up for what I believe to be right . That 's why I will not stay quiet when something needs saying . That 's why I strive to help others tap in to their own inner strength . Last night , though , I realised with startling clarity that up until now I had felt more shameful of my early label than I had previously acknowledged . With that came the shocking realisation that despite all my efforts , I have been holding on to that shame in some way . I 'll always remember ' the handbag scene ' ( as I call it ) from the play " The Importance Of Being Earnest " when Lady Bracknell scathingly rebukes the title character on discovering he has no parents " To lose one parent , Mr Worthing , may be regarded as a misfortune . To lose both looks like carelessness ! " For my sins , I of course had been far worse than just careless ; not only did I lose both parents , but I was also effectively disowned by the rest of my family as a result of my determination to fight for my sister . Goodness only knows what Lady Bracknell would have made of that . . . ! When M 's words shot out and grabbed inside me , shaking me by the scruff of the neck , I knew it was an important message . Thoughts and feelings tumbling over one another , I suddenly saw with cinematic clarity how it is that I refuse to give up . What it is that drives me to be the best I can , and to make the best of everything that comes my way . Why it is that I will fight to the death for something that I believe in . Until last night , though , I 'm pretty sure there that somewhere deep down I had been somehow trying to ' make up ' for being not quite complete . Striving to create a proper family , a nurturing home , authentic relationships and loving friendships to mirror the ones I knew in my early childhood . Don 't get me wrong , I am still keen to enjoy all of those things in my life - but something has changed . The past few weeks have taken their toll on me for various reasons , and I have often found myself in a pretty dark space . I always say that the darkest hour is the one before dawn , and I am fully aware that recently I have been a pretty complex and sometimes difficult companion . Tears flow easily , and I am no stranger to staring face first in to the pit of despair . It doesn 't scare me - I just thought that the answers might lie somewhere in the murky depths . But I think . . . hmmm . . . . nope , I know . . . that I have had an unexpected epiphany thanks to a line from a Hollywood movie . Funny , eh , how these things can just sneak up on people like that ? I am no longer ashamed of my past . And , more to the point , I am actually proud of who I am and of what those experiences helped me become . Things happened , I can 't change them . . . and now I see them as a blessing not a curse . I 'm lucky to have the additional ' armour ' that makes me a force to be reckoned with - it 's who I am . Not who I was , or what I should or could have been . . . It 's who I am right now . I don 't need to search out the perfect family . I don 't need to prove myself . I don 't have to push myself to the limits just to prove that I 'm good enough . There 's no going back . It 's frankly no good me looking to recreate the same love and safety I felt as a child . It 's a futile search and I shall never find it - those days are long gone , and I am finally ready to let them go and accept a new reality of my own making . No comparisons . No measures . No attempts to recreate . Because things are different now . I am me . And yes , like James Bond , I had to grow up pretty darned quickly . Heck , those same experiences eventually made his character an international hero for goodness sakes ! But you know what ? I can 't change my past , and I can 't reclaim any perceived loss of childhood or innocence - and neither should I even think about wanting to do so . Because the fact is , I am who I am , and I believe that I 'm blessed with the strength and determination that is a direct result of what happened . It means that I carry on regardless , knowing that I survived the worst . Each additional shockwave has only helped me to grow . That 's why I 'm one of the best recruits for this life . . . The difference , since yesterday , is that I am going forward as me and for me . It 's ironic how regularly I encourage my clients to look ahead , to grasp the future with both hands . I have a sneaky feeling that perhaps I 've been ever so slightly holding myself back and holding on to the past . . . Doh ! Well no more . What 's done is done , and I 'm proud of who I am and the life I have lived until now . The past is indeed the past . It is buried and I am whole . And I am finally ready to step in to the new world . Sitting here in my kitchen in France , I am pondering what may now lie ahead . The past few months have been , it 's fair to say , a pretty strange ride even by my book - a case of fact being far stranger than fiction . But here I am now , facing another ending . This time it 's the ending of what has been a good and healthy relationship , but one that has now run it 's course . It 's time to move on . I don 't know what the future may hold , but I 'm hoping that one day I will once again feel sunshine in my heart . My time with Patrice has given me the opportunity to feel genuine love . To share . To honour boundaries . To be real . To trust feelings . To be open . To appreciate the humanness of two souls who came together and , I hope , gave and will continue to give enrichment to both our lives . From the very beginning we recognised that there were many differences between us - but through those differences we somehow found a middle ground where we both thrived . Was it too much to expect it could last for ever ? Well , perhaps . And perhaps I have had my rose tinted glasses on for much of the time - or perhaps not . I don 't know . And you know what ? It doesn 't matter . I do know that right from the start we have both been honest with each other , even though sometimes the honesty has not been easy . We have always said that we hoped we would both grow from this experience together . For me I know I have learned through this relationship that there are indeed ' good men ' in this world - something that , perhaps , only now I can fully appreciate . Perhaps the scars from my ex had indeed run deeper than I had chosen to acknowledge - even to myself . For that was a relationship that ( for me at least ) seemed to be perfect , but turned out to be just a sham . Abandoned , betrayed and ashamed , there were many times I thought I 'd never be able to pull through . But I did . And with Patrice I found the courage to once again open my heart - to him and to myself . But unlike the sudden finish of my marriage , this is a new kind of ending . Because this is a mutual ( if painful ) acknowledgement that our relationship has run it 's course . We 've come to the place where over recent weeks there has been more angst than peace , and more heaviness than light . Life is worth more than that - for both of us . So it 's time to be honest and face the tough reality that it 's time to move on . And so we 're talking . We 're crying . We 're sharing . And we 're working through the next steps . We 'll support each other , and we will both find a better world . It isn 't easy . But it 's honest . And it 's real . And I know that I 'll carry with me all the happy memories of the good times we 've had together for the rest of my life . In the words of Edith Piaf " Je ne regrette rien " This was a phrase my mother used to repeat to me when I was a child . Kindly eyes and a smile always accompanied her words " I want doesn 't get , Melanie , you know that ! " Of course I can 't be certain what she meant or understood by her words ( I know for sure that it could only have been something positive ) but what I can absolutely vouch for , wholeheartedly and from experience , is that this phrase , when taken by itself , holds a deep wisdom that is totally and utterly true - and more than that , it offers freedom . More of that later . At the time though , I remember taking it to mean that I couldn 't ask for what I wanted . That the things I desired were out of my reach . That I didn 't deserve them . That I was being a brat ( like the spoilt and demanding Veruca Salt in Charlie And The Chocolate Factory ) or too greedy ( fuelled by the continuing belief that I was both fat and clumsy ) . So the result was that I felt shamed and hurt - and usually cross . Because I was being denied , and because I felt so stupid for asking in the first place . Funny , ain 't it , how distance provides clarity ? It 's only looking back that I can recognise that sense of being ' not enough ' was there way back in my early childhood . Yes , ok , it could be argued that there are completely understandable reasons why I would harbour such emotions at that time - and why I 've subsequently worked so hard to come to terms with what happened in my formative years . I digress . Because my point is this - I reckon that my response back then is one that is shared by many others today when told that " I want " is something that rarely achieves the desired result . This is an observation that has been the subject of countless lively discussions - in both my professional and personal life . Because I 've come to understand that when people ( myself included ) wish to improve something about their life experience , our automatic statement tends to be " I want . . . " followed by whatever the desire may be - a new relationship , a new job , a better home , a happier life , or just to get out of this mess . . . whatever it is that we feel needs changing . I can 't count the number of times in my past when I have cried out in utter despair " All I want is to be happy and to feel loved ! " Now , I realise , this is precisely where I started to go wrong . Why ? Because far from bringing whatever the goal might be in to reality ( although the desire was very real - excruciatingly real at times ) , that very statement of ' wanting ' only heightened my personal experience of not having . I have read ( and seen ) countless motivational teachers telling their audience to focus on what it is they want . Encouraging them to state it loud and clear . To create passion around their wants . And then to make a plan to achieve it . Based on what I now understand , so far as I 'm concerned all that does is create a whole heap of extra work - more work for the audience and more work for the motivational speaker ( with my cynical hat on , I question whether this is perhaps deliberate in some cases ) . Because then people require guidance on how , exactly , to bring their goal in to fruition . Don 't get me wrong . I 'm not saying there 's anything wrong in having goals - far from it . What I am saying is that the way we often go about it is flawed from the start . From bitter ( and valuable ) experience , I 've realised that the more we get clear on what it is we want , the more we create the experience of not having . We surround ourselves with a series of wants , which only confirms them as the very things we don 't have . And the more we have the experience of not having , the more we feel inadequate in some way shape or form . The more we feel inadequate , the more we diminish who we are and the less likely it is that we 'll experience the contentment we desire through achieving whatever it is we are seeking . . . and so it becomes a vicious circle . In other words " a self - perpetuating process which returns to its starting point with no improvement from where it was begun " Am I beginning to make sense here . . . ? I don 't profess to have the complete solution . But what I am saying right here , hand on heart , is that I believe a simple shift in the words we use can have a profound impact on our immediate internal response - and , therefore , an equally profound impact on the likelihood of achieving whatever it is we desire . No matter what that might be . It 's taken me many years of frustration to reach this understanding . When it suddenly clicked in to place , I remember feeling a huge sense of relief - so much so that I actually started to laugh . A weight lifted from my shoulders , and I suddenly felt a sense of freedom . Like so many great truths , it 's so simple and yet so elusive at the same time . I 'm not talking here about positive affirmations . Nope - it 's more than that . Affirmations encourage us to shift whatever it is we want in to a statement that affirms we already have it using language that is positive , personal and present tense . For example " I want to lose weight " becomes " I am slim " . Let me be clear here , I do believe there 's a huge amount of value in affirmations . I used to work as a Louise Hay trainer , and affirmations have been ( and continue to be ) a great source of inspiration to me . But I also know from my own experience that merely stating something as a fact doesn 't automatically mean that it 's going to happen - because in many cases ( well , certainly in my own case ! ) deep down we still don 't actually believe it to be possible . So for me , the inner battle continued . It 's fair to say that I 've had a love / hate relationship with affirmations . . . more positive than negative I 'd like to add , and I certainly acknowledge it as a methodology that has been hugely instrumental in my own development . Because it was through that process it first dawned on me that a shift in the way I described something ( to myself and others ) gave me a different experience - immediately . I realised that I actually had far more control over the way I felt than I had previously acknowledged . I came to learn that I could indeed shape my world no matter what was happening - and it gave me an immense sense of liberation . But that wasn 't enough . Because , as I said earlier , the internal battle would often continue - no matter how many times or with how much conviction I would state my own affirmation " I am loved and I am enough ! " it was , quite simply , a bridge too far . So I sought to find another solution . I explored belief change processes with NLP . I had a go with Breathwork techniques . I studied Reiki . I played with Hypnosis . I became a student of firewalking . And I loved every new practice I learned along the way - every one of which continues to add substance to what I do today . And through it all I discovered the resounding truth that the answer was here all along - within me . Yep . All those years of looking outside for the answer brought me right back to the place of origin - in the words of Joan Armatrading : Me , Myself , I Because what I 've learned , is that I can bring my desires in to reality much more easily - simply by becoming conscious of the way I talk about them . I 've learned that it 's about consciously finding a ' link ' between the actual and the desired reality . It 's about already accepting what it is I think I 'd like to be , do or have - in a way that feels smooth , easy and natural . In other words , in a way that is accepted and believed by the whole of who I am , conscious and subconscious . Light and dark . Yin and yang . . . . however we choose to describe the richness of our human existence ! The key , I 've found , is in replacing " want " ( along with " need " " have to " " should " " must " and any number of other such demanding expressions ) with a word that is both neutral and supportive . From there , I can get clear on what is important . I found a great starting point is the verb " choose " because it fits the bill in the vast majority of cases . It maintains connection and there can be no subconscious argument . For example " I want to get a better job " becomes instead " I choose to get a better job " ( rather than " I have a better job " as would be the case in an affirmation , which I would of course have fought against ) just as " I want to feel loved " becomes instead " I choose to feel loved " . And wooo hooo . . . there it was ! That simple linking word gave me the experience , the possibility , the probability that in actual fact it could be mine . . . because I suddenly felt it to be true . Somewhere deep within me I felt the innocence of curiosity - because suddenly I knew that I did indeed have the choice . Putting in the word " choose " rather than " want " gave me the freedom to feel it right there and then . . . and decide whether or not it really was something I ' wanted ' . The weird thing has been , though , that quite often whatever the ' thing ' was that I thought I wanted so much , actually became much less pressing as soon as it became linked to what I already am . Hence , as I said earlier , the sense of freedom and relief . Because from that point I came to understand that I really could choose - I could differentiate between what was really important and what was just mind - chatter . And if whatever it was still felt as important to me , then my next question became " so how can I experience more of this " by building on what I was already feeling . Very different from the task - driven step - by - step process to achieve a " want " goal that by definition I could never experience until it 's achieved - so I could have no clarity in judging whether it was really something I 'd like to have in my life , until I 'd put in the hard work ! Whereas " choose " goals suddenly allowed me the opportunity to experience the possibility and then develop solutions - a bit like those " try before you buy " mini paintpots , allowing you to check whether you 're really going to like the effect at home before committing yourself to the colour you think you like in the shop . So my wise mother , as usual , was right all those years ago . I want doesn 't get - it 's so very true . But " I choose " can make all things possible , in ways that are safe , supportive , and real . And this is a technique that is oh so important to me right now . Why ? Because the past few months have been a relentless roller - coaster of experiences and emotions - some of which I 've already written about , others I will write about when the time is right . It 's fair to say that I 've had high highs and low lows , riding the waves and rolling with the punches . Now it 's time for me to rest and regroup while things take their natural course . In past times I may well have resorted to the affirmation " I 'm full of energy and all is well ! " which , at a core level is absolutely the case . But I 've also learned , that in moments when I 'm feeling less than vibrant , it 's perfectly ok to be that way . After all , the times when my son told me he was feeling unwell or tired , did I tell him to pull himself together and get on with it ? Of course not . Well , these days the same goes for me . So while I might be feeling a little bruised and battle - weary , it 's perfectly ok . I am choosing to look after myself - knowing that I am indeed loved and that I am ( and always was ) already enough . I 'm choosing to let myself be , in whatever way is right for me right now - because that , it 's true to say , is all that counts . And so it is that I ' want ' for nothing , because I already am . Hmmmm . . . well now . . . so where do I go from here ? I 've been pondering the question of how to continue my writing and link it with my on - going quest to reach out to other people . The first book was ( relatively ) straight - forward , taking a few weeks to capture over four decades - worth of extreme ups and downs . It kind of wrote itself once I got going with it . . . I know in my heart though , that " I 'm Still Standing " is only the beginning . I have a dream that one day I am able to stand up and speak to others on the subject of survival and healing from any situation , big or small - including life itself . It 's a huge dream , and I sometimes wonder whether I 'm kidding myself that I 'll be able to achieve it . After all , there have been so many curve - balls threatening a number of previous hopes that perhaps this is another one that will eventually dissolve in to the ether . But somehow I don 't think so . This is one that 's been with me for more years than I care to remember - and in many ways I guess I 've already been partly living that dream through the various training workshops I continue to run . I 've learned a multitude of techniques that have helped me through the good times and the bad - many of which I am now fortunate enough to be able to pass on to my coaching clients within the corporate arena . But ' business ' is only one aspect of what I 'd like to be doing . I know there are many more people out there who I simply would never come in contact with during my professional career . . . and these are the people I would most like to connect with now . That 's why I write for Lovefraud and that , after all , is also why I decided to write the book in the first place - to share my experiences in the hope that my story would resonate with others . In the not too distant future my book will finally hit the shelves ( watch this space ) and I am now considering my next steps . Is it too soon to be thinking this way ? I 'm not sure - but I don 't think so . Surely it 's better to be prepared ? The question is , though , how exactly am I going to move forward from here . Even since finishing the book I have experienced quite an extraordinary set of events that would in themselves make a great follow - up . But is that the way to go ? Should I continue writing about my own experiences , or would I be better creating a novel or two instead ? Perhaps I can do a small second book of memoirs and at the same time craft some fiction stories based around what I already know to be true ? Perhaps , on the other hand , I could start creating some speaking and workshop - type activities that can support the book ? Perhaps I should just write a " How - To " manuscript that details my own self - coaching tools and techniques ? I don 't know . . . I don 't know . . . But hey , you know what ? When hit with the " I don 't know " blocker , it 's the time to start asking myself instead " well ok , but supposing I DID know . . . then what ? " And that , to be honest is where I 'm at - imagining that I do know exactly what my next steps are , and then feeling overwhelmed by the possible routes that lie ahead of me ! Of course , there 's then the other option of just doing nothing at all . Pulling back from this particular circus , and living a simple carefree life here in France . Hmmm . . . . do you think I 'd last very long with that ? Nope . I thought not . The fact is , whether I like it or not , I am driven to do this stuff - so simple is not for me . Carefree , yes , perhaps , because each new day I am feeling happier and more relaxed than I can remember being before . At the same time I am filled with a passion that burns inside me . I thrive in sharing with others that which I know can add value - and I 'm learning more every day . Each new day brings its own set of challenges - in my world and also in the world of other people - so each day offers the opportunity to delve still deeper in to the field of learning and self - development . I always used to say that so long as there is a question mark over my head , then it means I 'm alive and growing . The minute there are no more questions , then there is little left to life . I know , it probably sounds a bit OTT , but hey , that 's just the way I see things . Well right now there are questions all over the place , and while at times I am finding myself feeling somewhat dazed and confused , in the main I reckon I 'm slowly finding a way through . My dreams are alive and kicking , and I am ready . Now it 's just a question of finding out which particular route really lights my fire . . . and after that , well , as I 've learned from experience , the ' hows ' tend to take care of themselves . It felt so deliciously peaceful just floating there in the nothingness . The noisy mind - chatter all but disappeared , I was happily allowing myself to drift off to sleep , enjoying the half - way - ness of being here , there and nowhere in particular . It was Thursday 9th August , and I was staying in Gloucester with my dear friends Sarah and Kevin . With me was Patrice , a wonderfully kind and loving Frenchman that I have been seeing for a few months . I 'd been rather distant with him for the past few days , and was concerned that I didn 't understand my feelings towards him . I 'd been pondering our relationship as I dozed off to sleep , and that was the moment when she came to me . I sensed her way before I saw her , feeling her presence floating up from somewhere below me . . . a rich , deep soul filled with love and laughter . And then , down to my left , a beautiful pair of treacle brown eyes appeared in the distance . They were searching - open , smiling , but not quite certain . I looked down to meet her gaze , and smiled at the mass of unkempt chocolatey curls that framed the most beautiful face . She stopped moving towards me when I smiled and just stayed there , hovering , questioning - was she shy ? Was she nervous ? Looking in to her eyes , I somehow knew what she was asking . In the silence that hung between us I told her " It 's OK . I 've got you . You 're safe " Her smile broadened , and I felt the most enormous surge of love and connection between us . I asked her who she was . It was unclear at first , but slowly the letters appeared and the sounds formed . . . . Maddy . She let me know that her name was Maddy . And that she loved me . " I knew I was ! " I burbled to Sarah , who was there with me - and who actually checked the result for me because I 'd been too nervous to look myself ! " I just knew it ! What on earth am I going to do ? " Screams , questions , tears and an overwhelming sense of joy danced and crashed around together inside me , and I burst in to tears . I knew instantly that any idea of termination was out of the question , so it was a matter of getting used to the idea and finding out how I really felt . Sitting on a bench outside just a few moments later , I called my friend Anna in France . Checking first whether she was sitting down , I blurted out the news . " You 'll never believe it . . . But I 'm pregnant ! " And with that it all became real . She was the first person I had told the news to - and now that the news was shared , it made it reality . Although the tears were flowing and I was still shaking with the shock , Anna 's response brought a smile to my face " Well , what a wonderful gift " she enthused " and you and Patrice will make wonderful parents ! " Patrice was overjoyed with the news - surprised , yes , but absolutely delighted . The more I got used to the idea , the happier I became . Me , a mother again , when I honestly thought any possibility of producing a sibling for Dylan was way behind me . I felt incredibly blessed , and determined to to everything possible to protect the little soul that was growing inside me . A couple of days later I returned to France , and collected Dylan from the train station . He 'd been staying with friends and of course I hadn 't wanted to tell him the news until we were face to face . Naturally concerned about how he may react , I was overjoyed to find that he was as happy as me - he was delighted by the idea that he was going to be a big brother ! I knew the baby was a little girl , and I shared with Dylan my story about Maddy - far from being sceptical , he gave me the hugest cuddle and said he was looking forward to meeting his sister . My own sister was also pleased for me , and with every passing hour I felt more filled with joy and wonderment as the miracle continued to unfold in front of me . Then just last Wednesday , and with no warning , I started to bleed . Only a small amount at first , but then quickly building as the cramps set in . I was losing Maddy . It was the same day that Dylan was packing to leave home , and it felt to me that I was losing two children in one fell swoop . It may make little sense , but although I had only known I was pregnant for less than a week , it felt like my entire world was falling apart . That evening , together with Patrice , I sobbed and wailed for my unborn baby . I had never appreciated the pain of a miscarriage - both emotional and physical - and simply was not prepared for the strength of overwhelming sadness that hit and hit again with relentless force . " I don 't know what bloody contract my soul signed before I was born " I sobbed to Ruth and Anna who had come the moment I realised what was happening " but I clearly didn 't read the flippin small - print ! I just can 't do this roller - coaster any more . I just can 't . . . " But of course I could . And I did . The past week has been , quite frankly , absolutely ghastly . I dealt relatively quickly with the emotional onslaught , but physically it 's been just horrid . I had never appreciated just how debilitating it is to experience a miscarriage , and my heart bleeds for those women who lose unborn children at a much later stage than my relatively insignificant four weeks . My body doesn 't know what it 's doing , my hormones are all over the place , and I am physically and emotionally exhausted . As with everything else , though , this experience has brought me unexpected gifts . I have learned so much - about myself and the wonderful people who are around me - and I feel more blessed now than I did before Maddy 's appearance . She has brought this to me , and while I may never hold her in my arms , I will always hold her in my heart . Now I know without doubt that Patrice and I have a real chance of creating a wonderful future together . There is no need for me to hide or be scared anymore - he 's not Cam . And he 's going nowhere . On paper it may seem an unlikely proposition - he doesn 't speak a word of English , he 's 11 years younger than me , and until a couple of weeks ago had never left the country . But at the same time , he 's the kindest , most gentle and genuine person I 've ever met - and we get on like a house on fire . As well as that , I also know that despite my age , I would very much like to have another child . Whether or not it 's going to be possible , who knows . The hospital has already warned me of the dangers of pregnancy for older women - both for mother and for child . But hey , life 's about love , miracles and hope isn 't it ? And goodness knows I 'm now ready and willing to accept and experience all of the good stuff . So , now my focus will be on looking after myself - properly . And that means shifting some weight , taking up exercise , eating healthily and allowing myself to be loved and cared for by a man who may just possibly turn out to be the person I grow old with . And with a bit of luck , we may yet be able to welcome a new soul in to the world . This week I saw a quote on Facebook that spoke to me loud and clear " Keep shining , beautiful ones . This world needs your light " - because it immediately made me think of everyone here on Lovefraud . I imagined each and every beautiful person who reads and contributes to the site , and as I did so , my heart warmed and prompted a smile … and moist eyes . Why did I think of this community ? Because I truly believe that our experiences ultimately help all of us to shine more brightly as a result . At the same time , I fully appreciate that this notion may still seem to many to be a long way off , or even an impossibility to some people here - perhaps that was what prompted the tears ? Well , that together with an overwhelmingly strong ( yet clearly unrealistic ) urge to reach out and show those people the future . A future where you are reclaimed and reconnected with your beautiful true self - and burning brightly as a beacon of hope that helps others find their way out of the darkness . For three and a bit years since I realised that my ' dream ' relationship was a nightmare in disguise , I have come to the place where I view my encounter as a blessing . Blessings that , at the time , were heavily camouflaged . . . absolutely . Painful beyond description . . . heck yes . Soul - shatteringly destructive , leaving me broken , exhausted , humiliated , knocked out , wiped out and on the floor . . . yep , you got it . Words , it appears , particularly now as I look back over what happened , seem totally inadequate when describing the hollow darkness of the weeks and months that followed my own discovery . Like so many of us here , how can any living person be expected to function after their soul has been ripped out , stamped on and thrown out with the rubbish - whilst at the same time realizing that the architect of their downfall has been smirking during the whole process … ? When explaining my own experiences , people have asked me how I survived . I remember asking myself the same question myself at my lowest times - I also remember sinking so far down that I even considered the alternative to survival … . The thing is , though , I have come to realize that if people can live through such horrendous times ( and all of us here on the site are indeed living - although some days may actually feel like ' barely hanging on by a thread ' ) then surely … . surely … as we come through the other side we must come to truly appreciate the strength of our spirit , and be proud of who we are ? Surely we must reach a place where we can recognize the energy , focus , determination and love it took to come through … ? I have noticed that there is a light that comes from people who have successfully overcome adversity - in any shape or form , large or small , physical or mental . Yes , they also carry the battle scars , of course . But the thing that speaks most clearly for me is the determined light that shines from within . It shows in their eyes , and it can be heard in their voice . There is something subtle , inviting , and thoroughly human about these people that cannot help but inspire . We only have to look at the upcoming Paralympics to recognize the shining light of determination and passion in every athlete who has worked to overcome physical difficulties . On the other hand there are countless newspaper stories about people who have survived murder attempts , wars , violence and all manner of human cruelty . People who have subsequently gone on to live fulfilling lives and who quietly encourage others in the process . Then there are the ' everyday angels ' - people who put themselves out to care for others who are in need . There are also survivors of life - threatening diseases . Then there is everyone here in the Lovefraud community - and others like us . People who are in various stages of waking up to the nightmare … and journeying through to the other side . It 's true , I know , that not everyone makes it this far - so already we are the lucky ones . And as we continue sharing our stories , supporting and guiding each other , and helping to educate others … so we continue to heal and we continue to become brighter . As I said in last week 's post , we are the ones who know , who ' get it ' and who are already reaching out to others facing confusion and pain at the hands of a disordered personality - whatever the relationship . It was reading though the countless posts and comments on this particular site in 2009 that helped me to make sense of the madness . That helped me realize I was not alone . That prompted me to find out as much as I possibly could about the little understood subject of sociopathy . Even though I could feel the pain in so many of the comments , at the same time I also felt inspired that people were able to share their experiences , and reach out to others for help and support . It was this very community who , three years ago , played a major role in saving my life and easing me back on track . Your lights were shining strong to me then - your examples showed me the way , and you continue to shine today . Thank you . I am deeply grateful for being a part of this community . And I know beyond any doubt that we are all beautiful . I also know that in our own ways each of us are indeed already shining our light , helping to brighten a world that is crying out to awaken from the darkness . This week I 'd like to tell you a true story - although details have been changed to protect privacy . It concerns a recent dinner conversation I had with a well - balanced , well - educated , professional gentleman who has worked at the same company for over a decade . Why ? Because he believes in what they do , he loves his job , and he loves the people who work there . This man is articulate , intelligent , great company , happily married and by any measure has made a success of his life - I 'll call him James . So , you can imagine my surprise when , in a quiet moment , this strong man took me aside to confide in me about the horrors he had suffered at the hands of a female boss who had recently left the business . The antics of this particular individual took its toll on every member of her team - and indeed on the many others who witnessed the carnage but didn 't know what to do about it . From what James said , it appears she would take delight in ridiculing , menacing and threatening her dedicated team of people . She would have one face for public appearances , and a totally different face behind closed doors . She would make a statement about her team to colleagues , and then berate individuals for ( allegedly ) going behind her back or for non - performance . Rules were changed at the last minute , promises made and broken , rumors spread and threats made - all cloaked with the repeated warning " you 'd better keep this to yourself - don 't say a word to anyone else , you know what I can do " I asked how long it had been going on and whether the other bosses knew what was happening ? " It had been going on for years " he replied , looking down at the floor " but they could never get any concrete evidence on her . We were all too scared and didn 't realize the extent of what she was doing . I honestly thought I was the only one " My heart bled for him , as he went on to explain that he 'd been on medication to combat stress and depression . It was only after his boss had finally been asked to leave that James realised just how many others had suffered similar symptoms . I was intrigued to know how the other leaders in the business had allowed such bullying behaviour to go on for so long . " Well , it 's just the way it is . We all love the business and the people in it - we just have a few really strong characters who still think it 's ok to shout and belittle people . We just get on with it and learn to take the blows … " Now , I don 't know about you , but I personally think that this is a terrible way to go on - and I am constantly horrified that people in positions of authority do not stand up against this sort of behaviour ? For me , as I 've said before , it 's not about witch - hunts or persecution of these individuals . It is not about identifying who may or may not be the sociopath , the narcissist , or the disordered person . No , it 's not about pointing the finger out and hunting them down . It 's simply about recognizing when something ' bad ' happens ( from whatever source , no matter what , where or from whom ) and then finding a way to something about it . Because if we keep silent , or continue to take no action , then we provide ' them ' with their greatest weapon … and they become more lethal the more they gain confidence that they can continue getting away with it . It doesn 't have to be anything major or personally endangering . Even the smallest and seemingly insignificant of actions can have a dramatic result . Making an internal " no " decision , viewing the bully as a coward , maintaining a blank expression when dealing with them , or just simply walking away . All those are within our own control . And all of those diffuse and deflate their perceived power over us . Each and every one of us has the power to do this , and it 's multiplied when we join with others and do the same . Yep , that all makes sense - so what stops us then ? I asked James the same question . His reply was quite simple . " Having taken the emotional beatings for so long , I just got used to it and found ways to make the pain more bearable . I thought I must be wrong , that I was misinterpreting the situation and that I should just get on with it . In hindsight , I can see that the problems started and escalated when I did nothing about the very first attack - because I just brushed it off . As we all did . It gave us a sense of unspoken bonding , surviving the bad stuff together " I come back again to the saying " we see things not as they are , but as we are " - and it 's the nice - guys who make excuses for bad behaviors in others . We 're perhaps too willing to forgive or defend other people , on the compassionate understanding that they might just be having a bad day . I 'm not saying that 's wrong . On the contrary , I believe it 's a healthy quality to maintain and nurture . Along with that quality , though , I also believe that it 's time that as human beings , we all learn to re - set our internal barometer to super - sensitive , and commit to speaking out any and every time we recognize something is even the slightest bit off - course . It doesn 't need to be an accusation … but it certainly needs to become a question . The on - going libel issues surrounding my book , for example , have become a farce - and I have been questioning the wisdom of their progress . Because , not content with the mountains of black and white evidence and witness statements that I have already provided , together with substantial name , relationship and location changes , the legal team are currently of the mind that the next step is to make direct contact with the ' baddies ' in my story and ask them for sign - off on the entire manuscript , just in case there is any way they have any comeback later on . I am flabbergasted . So far as I am concerned , the suggestion demonstrates naivety in the extreme - why on earth would I place myself once again at the mercy of people who I know for a fact to be disordered ? The madness of their suggestion just goes to further confirm my own opinion that the law has lost its way . Who , now , is the law protecting ? Where , now , is the support for freedom of speech ? How , now , is the law standing up for those less able to make their case ? It seems that the easier road to take is that where they , like James , have learned to roll with the punches and protect themselves against the bad people . Because from my experience , they are usually the ones who will cite their civil rights when caught doing something wrong , and who will be familiar with every legal loophole . They are the ones who cost most time and money , because they 've learned to twist the legal system just the way that they learn to twist the true and generous hearted among us . So the automatic route now is to second - guess against what ' they ' might or might not do - rather than to stand up to them and say ' enough is enough ' . And yet , in my heart of hearts , I am certain that many in these professions are themselves sickened by the on - going change of focus - feeling powerless to make a difference when common sense and judgment has given over to tick - boxes and back - covering . I believe that there are far too many professionals who , even though they feel frustrated , continue to keep their own silence , refusing to hold their hand up and ask questions when something is wrong . I read a quote this week by Martin Luther King and I believe it sums up the message I intend to keep sharing - particularly with those in positions of influence who insist on hiding behind bureaucracy , fear , and any number of ' company rules ' and defunct mantras of ' that 's just the way it is ' that keep them trapped in the belief that doing what appears easier automatically translates as doing what is right . Here is the quote that spoke so loudly to me : " Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter " I don 't remember the number of times that my friends warned me not to shut down after it all happened . How many times they 'd ask me not to lose myself . To avoid becoming bitter and lonely . To stay open , despite my pain . Yes , I am very lucky indeed to have such wise and loving friends . I count my blessings and am grateful for such levels of support - particularly during the early days after discovering the truth . At the time I thought they were referring to my ability to trust another romantic relationship . That was ok , because I was always ready with an answer . My well - rehearsed response would be along the lines of " It 's ok , because I know that my feelings were real , even if his were not - and I know for a fact that I experienced true love . So if I felt that with an empty soul , then when one day I find a real person , surely the experience will be ten times better ? " The thing is , though , I have discovered that real love has very little to do with me finding another person . That ' closing off ' does not just mean closing to the world and people that surround me . That yes , staying open is entirely to do with trusting and loving … . But loving who , exactly ? And how … ? As for all of us here , I 've survived some pretty grueling experiences . My personal healing journey after the sociopath involved re - examining some of the old traumas that I thought I 'd already dealt with . Re - opening the sealed emotions that were still hidden away , despite my honest belief that there was nothing left to discover . But there was . And to this day , there continues to be more . There was a time when , to be frank , I was way too scared of going to some of the darker places that lay within me . Because I knew that re - discovery meant opening old scars and digging around in the old hurts . It was going to be painful , and I didn 't know whether I had the courage to go there - toreally go there and find out what was within . To deal with ' whatever it was ' once and for all , so that I could be free and done with it . It was an almighty ask of myself - and there were many times that I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the task I knew lay ahead . I became frightened that if I went to the places that were beckoning me , I might never find my way back out . That I 'd die from the pain , or perhaps be held prisoner for the rest of eternity . On the other hand , I knew that if I didn 't go there , then I was doomed to stay stuck in the living nightmare that had become my life . And that , by comparison , was far too great a hurt to live with . So , caught between a rock and a hard place , I felt pushed to the limit . I had to make a choice . And I made the choice to dive right in , hoping and praying that by facing my fears I would come out the other end . Having made the commitment I discovered that in actual fact the pain was never ' too much to bear ' and neither was I held prisoner . Quite the contrary . Looking back now , I imagine the journey as a daily trek in to a dark mine . Each day hollowing out more rock , my body and determination becoming stronger as I continued to work . The job , by default , therefore becoming easier as I continued scraping away , emerging at the end of each day with a filthy face and a dirty great smile . And you know what ? I never did reach any impasse . I never did find any really ' bad ' thing hidden there . But I did find something . Something that I had never in a million years imagined would be hidden there ! Because underneath all the dark rocks and dirt , I found a diamond . I found myself . I said earlier , I had honestly believed that I 'd already uncovered and dealt with the emotional damage of my past . Because of that I believed that there was nothing left to discover . On top of that , I now realize that I had believed for many years that even if there was any discovering left to be done , it could only possibly be more of the ' bad stuff ' that I 'd hidden away so many years earlier . It didn 't even occur to me that there might be good stuff to discover - DOH ! And now I am thoroughly reveling in finding new stuff within - because I 've finally tapped in to the real love that lies within me . And ever since the first tentative connection was made , it has continued to build . On a daily basis I am finding more ways to love and appreciate myself for who I am - yep , I 've lived with ' me ' for close to five decades , but it feels like I 've only recently started to know myself . I am constantly chuckling at the reflections of this process of unfolding that are now occurring on nearly a daily basis . Just at the weekend , for example , I noticed a stone building by the river on a route that I 've taken countless times over the nine years I have lived in my village . But I had never before taken any notice of the building . On Sunday I not only saw it , I went to explore . There I discovered the most beautiful ' lavoir ' ( a covered area where the locals used to do their washing in years gone by ) that had clearly been standing there for many lifetimes . There it was , an exquisite example of beauty and history right on my doorstep . Yet for so long it had simply been invisible to me . As for my fear of becoming captive to the strength of the pain within ? I now realize that I have been living my life as a prisoner for longer than I care to remember . The journey to cleanse my memories , my emotions , and my soul has ultimately proven to be my salvation . So , for the journey , and for the real love that I am now feeling , I am once again inclined to thank my ex - husband , and all those who have done me harm over the years . I can 't begin to understand their intentions when they were being so cruel , but it doesn 't matter any more . What they did doesn 't matter any more either . Because whether it was intended or not , and whether because or in spite of their actions towards me , I have managed to find myself and re - connect to real love . The real love that was and always has been deep within me . It turns out that it was not the ' bad stuff ' I was afraid of - it was the love . Not the darkness , but the light . Through diving in and facing my deepest fears , I have discovered the truth that it was no - one and no - thing that had been holding the real love back from me . In actual fact I had become my own jail - keeper . I had been holding myself prisoner over so many years . Even through years of forgiveness and self - development work , I had still been hiding my light under a bushel . It was me who 'd denied myself the love and the light . I was the one who had closed myself off . So , since I was the one who had locked the door I was also the one who could open it and let in the sunshine . And as I continue to let the sunshine in , the sunshine continues to grow within me . And as the light grows within me , so my life fills with more and more love . It was here all along . It always has been . I just didn 't know it . But now I do know it - and I also know that others share the same light . Like me , though , many are yet to discover their own brilliance . It 's there . And I 'm here as living testimony that , no matter how impossible it may seem at times , there is indeed real love after the pain . The eternal optimist - tenacious , loyal and passionate about things that are important to me . I 've had an interesting set of life challenges , to say the least . April 2009 found me at age 44 , being hit with the greatest shock of my entire life . Everything I relied on , everything I had believed to be ' real ' had unravelled over just a few short hours , leaving me alone to question every aspect of my life . I felt inspired to write as I moved through the challenges of my on - going journey . Moving out of adversity , through to survival . . . via soul - searching , self - discovery and who knows what else along the way . . . Writing this blog has proved to be extremely cathartic for me , and I hope that reading it is interesting for you ! Thanks for showing up here

I had heard the name Rubin " Hurricane " Carter sometime back in the 1970s , but couldn 't quite remember why . So , when the movie , " The Hurricane " came out , I rushed out to see it . It was definitely a movie that I HAD to see because it contained to a number of elements I was very well acquainted with and very concerned about : injustice , racism , and boxing . I have raised two mixed race children and one adopted black son over the last twenty years and my husband has struggled with racism in his work and in the community , dealing with this American dilemma ever since his arrival here from Jamaica in his teens . Boxing ? Oh , yeah … I know boxing . I watched the rise and fall of my brother - in - law and three - time world champion , Simon Brown . I spent quite a few evenings ringside in Atlantic City and more than a few evenings cussing out Don King and a host of other ethically challenged promoters . Yes , I was more than excited this movie came out . I was looking forward to hearing the story and struggle for justice by this boxer whose name I had heard , but never knew the real story of . My excitement lasted only a fraction of the way into this movie . For you who have not yet seen the movie , let me set up the basic events . A trio of extraordinarily caring and docile Canadians offer a home to an impoverished black American teenager and proceed to homeschool him . This happens during the 1970 's and the Canadians come off like innocent do - gooders beyond belief . You can 't really blame the movie ( well , yes you can ) because it is based , without the slightest departure , on the book written by the Canadians themselves . I guess the producers were not too concerned about a one - sided viewpoint . Anyway , the Canadians are busy homeschooling Lesra and allowing the youth to pick out his choice of reading materials when he " happens across " the book written by Rubin Carter called " The Sixteenth Round " . From here Lesra fascinates the whole group with his out loud readings of Carter 's story of injustice and imprisonment and we are taken along with him through this historical journey . The story begins in the movie showing Carter when he was just a tyke - he looks about eight or nine - when a serious altercation occurs that gets him sent to reform school for the rest of his youth . He and his friends are playing by a waterfall when a middle - aged white child molester attempts to lure one of the little boys with his gold watch . When he attempts to grab the little boy , Carter , trying to save his friend , throws a bottle and hits the man on the head . The man then turns to Carter and grabs him and tries to toss him off a cliff . Carter pulls out his Scout knife , stabs the man and the man drops him . Then Carter is pulled into the police station and an evil , racist , really nasty policeman , scares and abuses the little boy and then the little boy is sent away for his act of self - defense . I think I actually started laughing out loud much to the horror of my neighboring moviegoers . I watched the rest of the movie about the " railroading of Rubin Carter " snickering into my popcorn and rolling my eyes . I left the theatre shaking my hWhat was wrong with this picture ? How could the SUPPORTERS of Rubin Carter convince me he was guilty while trying to convince me he wasn 't ? When I talked to others and read the web sites , I found only one person who felt as I did . I began to wonder if I had misinterpreted something from the film . So I went out and bought the books , Lazarus and the Hurricane written by Sam Chaiton and Terry Swinton ( of the Canadian group ) , and Rubin Carter 's own book " The Sixteenth Round . " The Canadians ' book offered nothing new , as it was almost word for word the movie . However , it at least gave me a nice working script of the picture . I also watched the movie again to see why I thought it was a lie . The events in the movie seemed phony and lacking in details , so I moved on to Carter 's own words to fill in the missing information . And there , it was … the truth , nestled within a huge pack of lies . Carter was clearly a psychopath and a pathological liar . In his own words , he tells us this . Truth and lies intermingle in a most fascinating journey through his psychopathic mind . What a gem of a book ! Let 's go back and do a quick overview of the life of Carter you are supposed to believe is the truth . Carter is wronged as a youth , joins the army , becomes a fighter , comes home , gets wronged again and is reimprisoned . In spite of that , when he comes out , he becomes a fighter , gets wronged again in the ring by racism , and then at the height of his career when he is in contention for the world title , he is railroaded for a crime he didn 't commit and goes to prison for life . While in prison , he practically becomes Ghandi and then the Canadians arrive to prove Carter innocent and he is released and goes on to help other wrongly imprisoned men . BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA ! Sorry ………… . Let 's start back at the incident with the white pedophile that caused my improper outburst of chuckles in the theatre . Even without reading Carter 's version of that story , it rang ridiculous to me . Let 's see … a wealthy , white man goes up to a GROUP of black kids in the middle of THEIR territory and offers his GOLD watch ? Yeah , right . Rubin does an act of self - defense and gets incarcerated for the rest of his life based on this one incident ? Give me a break . So , let 's go find the truth ( among the lies ) in Carter 's book . First of all , Carter is not nine - years - old . He is at least eleven , possibly twelve . Now , that is a big leap in size and ability and mental attitude for a young thug from the hood . By the way , in the book , Carter sorta admits he is a thug . He admits to being in a gang . Of course , any crime he commits is just because he is trying to impress gang members . After one act of stealing clothes , his OWN father turns him in to the police in hopes to scare him straight . Carter claims this was his FIRST crime , but I hardly imagine that Dad would turn him in on a first time offense . More likely , Dad was desperate at that point . So I am guessing Carter was already an incorrigible . After this scare , Carter admits " over the next three years , I became involved with the police on two or three occasions ( translation : a whole lot ) . This sets up the scene with the " pedophile " . He claims the man held out his wristwatch as bait . Then the man throws his wedding ring ! Carter , knowing what the man wanted , says , " Le - l - let 's go , fellows , " and he pushes the boys ahead of him . The bad white man jumps in front of him and grabs one of the boys and starts to molest him and spews out racist words to boot ( kind of a weird mix for a child molester , cooing and cussing ) . Here , Carter starts with his justification methods . He has an interesting , psychopathic method of doing that throughout the book . There is a lot of overstatement and peculiar wording . " I could feel fear and anger erupt within my body , the anger dominating the fear as the man 's malicious words echoed through my mind . He had used the word black as if it was something nasty . " ( like , duh , you never heard that before ? ) " In my concern for them , however , I had SOMEHOW ( remember the use of the word SOMEHOW . . this is very common among psychopaths and indicates a lie ) neglected to protect number one and found myself dangling in the air . He had grabbed me by the neck and thighs , and was holding me over his head " ( remember again , we have a bleeding man picking up a twelve - year - old and holding him over his head ? Jeez , this was a strong man … Oh , yeah , and he is carries him twenty or thirty feet to a cliff . " I begged and pleaded , I kicked and hollered , fighting desperately to break way . But the man was too strong for me … I cried and begged some more , but nothing seemed to affect him . I looked down panic stricken , as we neared the edge of the cliff . " ( More justification for what Carter is about to do ) . " My eyes fell on the bloody gash in the man 's head , and for SOME reason ( remember the SOME word . . this means major lie coming ) it reminded me of the scout knife in my pocket . " ( hehehe … yeah , a bloody wound REMINDS him of a scout knife . . rather creepy , don 't you think ? ) . " Since I had my hands free ( how convenient ) , I reached in my pocket and got my knife . ( notice how things just slow down and from a screaming , panic - stricken kid , he is able to notice the gash , get reminded of the knife , find the knife … like a dream ) . " You bet - bet - better , pu - put me down man ! " I warned him when we were about two or three steps away from the cliff 's edge . " ( He is about to be thrown to his death , but Carter STILL manages to be a saint and warn the man ) . " Shut up , you no - talking sonofabitch , " he snarled at me , now standing on the very edge of the cliff … . this man frightened me , scared me , like that cop had on my first arrest , ( justication ) and I wasn 't about to let him hurt me if I could help it . I took my knife and tried to break it off in his head . " ( THAT last part was the only true statement up ' til now ) . He tried to break the knife off in his head . Note something very humorous here . The man is holding Carter AT the EDGE of the cliff . Don 't you think stabbing the man in the head there is going to get them BOTH thrown off the cliff ? But , pay attention to the next words of Carter 's . " Owwww , you stabbed me ! " he shrieked , throwing me to the ground and kicking me in the stomach . " Did the man turn around ? Hehehe . . wouldn 't it have been easier to toss Carter off the cliff ? Now , it gets even sillier . With a gash from a bottle to the head and a knife plunged into his skull , the man now gets on top of Carter and starts to sexually molest , saying " Mmmm , this feels good . " This apparently is the next justification for Carter driving a knife into his side and then into his ribs . He sags on top of Carter and Carter pushes him off and then gets on top of HIM ! The man struggles . Carter then says " " My mind was shouting , " I told you not to scare me , mister ! I told you not to scare me ! " And each time this thought flashed through me , I plunged the knife into his heaving chest again . " ( Carter has a justification for EACH time he stabs the man . ) NOW , Carter , the twelve - year - old thug saint , has tears streaming down his face as he gets off the man . " Oh , my God , I remember saying … . . my hands were covered with blood … . " What have I done ? " Then Carter starts to leave , runs back to get his knife , and goes home where he comes down with some unnamed disease , runs a high temperature , and goes into some kind of coma . When he recovers , the police take him down to headquarters for questioning . Now , at THIS point , we actually have the truth ( to a good extent ) . Very odd . The police investigator tells Carter that the other boys have signed statements incriminating him in the attack . One of the boys had been caught wearing the man 's gold watch ( when did he have time to pick it up if they were all running away terrified when Rubin told them to ? ) . Carter says , after reading the statements in which there " wasn 't the slightest discrepancy " that " solutions began to materialize in my mind . " Solutions ? Not the truth , you notice . . solutions … in other words , lies . But , apparently , he can 't come up with a " solution " to combat the truth told by the other boys . " What could I say ? This was it . I was caught dead to rights , so to speak , by these three statements . " The police investigator says " . . I think it would be wise for you to give us a statement , Rubin . If for nothing else , at least to protect yourself . Because if you don 't , nobody else will . " " I thought about that for a long moment or two , then shook my head . I didn 't want to make any statements . " ( Clearly , he was guilty of robbing and assaulting the man … he doesn 't even TRY the sexual predator story ) . Is THIS the violent police interrogation we see in the film ? Is this the innocent kid being abused by the authorities ? In Carter 's own words , he had no defense , even when the police tried to encourage him to come up with one . My guess is , after a few years in prison , Carter came up with one heck of a silly fabrication to justify his attack on the man . Yet even HE can 't even make it work very well and gives up when he gets to the part he is arrested . Let 's go back to the movie and the book it is based on . The Canadians apparently bought this foolishness or at least pretended to . Why ? Because they needed a cause celeb … a wronged man to set free to prove the government is bad . They can 't admit to him possibly being a less than saintly fellow . " It wasn 't long before it became apparent that I had gained the admiration of the majority . Whatever the reason , when anyone had a problem of some sort , he would usually come to me for a solution . And I , not knowing what else to do , would try to help him as best I could . " ( Yup , he is a wonderful guy , don 't you see ? ) Now , let 's look at Carter 's real viewpoint of life and his responsibility for his actions . Psychopaths tend to always be right , never take responsibility for their bad behavior , and always blame it on someone else . It is always OTHER people 's fault . Pay attention to the meaning in these statements . " Most of the Jamesburg kids had only committed the same violations of the rules as had endeared Huckleberry Finn to millions of people ( robbery , rape , and murder ? ) , but in us society found these deeds intolerable . Not many of us had committed what could be called serious crimes . ( heh ! ) " I believe that everything I had done in my life had been the natural and logical thing for me to do , under the circumstances . If by chance , I performed a gracious deed , I laid claim to no credit . If I committed a crime in the eyes of society , I TOOK NO BLAME . I felt NO MORE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS than for the winds . " Carter then escapes from the detention center before his time is up . He goes to his relatives for help and he states , " People were actually afraid of me - even my own family . " This is a good indication that Carter did not get railroaded into the juvenile facility as the movie would have us believe . He had a decade of violence already to his name by the time he escaped and people feared him . Now , Carter joins the army and becomes a prizefighter . And he " finds " a peculiar form of Islam . " … that man himself was God . And this was an explanation I could readily accept . For if , indeed , I was a god , then everything had been all right all along . " ( Everything he did was justified ) . Now , Carter says , " . . two years had slipped past when it came time for me to go home … I was honored when I was asked to compete in the Olympic Trials that were soon to take place , but was told I would have to re - enlist in order to do so … . I loved prize fighting , but I wasn 't about to prolong my Army career in order to compete in nothing . Shucks ! ' I wanted to go home … . " Let 's take a look at this pack of lies . Is Carter telling us that he , seeker of glory and the center of attention , turned down an opportunity to be an Olympic Champion to instead go home to a family that feared him , a factory job , and a return to prison if he were caught as a fugitive ? Oh , right . No , the truth is Carter was tossed out of the army . He didn 't complete his time . Many men who have trouble with authority and cause problems are given a general or honorable discharge early just to get them out of there . So , Carter comes home and gets arrested . He spends more time in jail and during this time , Carter goes on to more grandiosity . " I wanted to be the Administrator of Justice , the Revealer of Truth , the Inflictor of all Retribution . I gloried in those thoughts . " Then he gets out . Now , in the movie , Carter comes home and is working hard and being a general good guy ( although at least there is a slight show of his temper in a nightclub ) . He is being a good citizen when he gets picked up and put back in jail . However , look at his lifestyle when he gets out after ten " long " months . Carter becomes " from that night on , … inseparable companions " with a jailmate / thug . " We started hanging out in Hogan 's - the players ' lounge , so to speak - where all the half - assed pimps and hustlers , pool sharks , and would - be gangsters thrive in every black community . " Yep , Carter is choosing an honest and decent lifestyle here . And , of course , he is totally rehabilitated . WRONG ! " Then out of the clear blue sky , without rhyme or reason ( lie ) , I snatched a woman 's pocketbook - right then in broad daylight ! I don 't know why I did it ! ( Again , it just HAPPENED - no responsibility ) . With my pockets loaded down , jam packed full of my own money , it was the most dastardly thing I 'd ever done ( minimizing ) , I simply snatched that poor lady 's purse and ran like hell - laughing , no less . - - - and she was a black woman . Little A ( his thug friend ) ran with me . But since I REALLY DIDN " T KNOW WHY I HAD DONE WHAT I WAS DOING , … he ran with me . . and that was his mistake . Because further on down the street , still giddy with my FOLLY , I hit a man …… ( then ) , I went hog - wild and did it again . " " No , they didn 't surprise me when they finally arrived ( the police ) ; on the contrary I was glad . " ( Yep , he wanted to be a good man again . ) . Then he got three to nine years in prison . Something tells me we aren 't hearing half of what he did in these crimes nor are we hearing about all the OTHER crimes he committed before this . This was just the mildest one he could think of to justify his trip to prison and not sound like too evil a guy . In prison again , Carter talks about all the violence he commits there and how the electric chair is " stealing his friends away " for crimes they did not commit . One of his friends got the chair for this " unfortunate " incident . He and a friend held up a grocery store in the neighborhood with a gun . They locked the owner in a closet . " In trying to free himself , the proprietor suffered a heart attack and in falling , he struck his head against the door and died from the concussion . " Carter minimizes the crime and blames the victim . Therefore , his friend didn 't really do anything bad and didn 't deserve the chair . Now , Carter gets out of the pen and at twenty - five admits he is a little over the hill for prizefighting . This would be very true . However , he still gets an opportunity to fight and does manage to make some money doing it . He is not the greatest fighter in the world and suffers too many losses to make any kind of great champion . Things start to fall apart for Carter . He ends up owing $ 90 , 000 in back taxes and claims that his manager had been " beating me for my money all along . " Here I will say Carter is probably being truthful . Boxing managers are notorious for not paying their boxers ' taxes and lying about it . Boxers tend not to be the best at financial matters , so they end up broke . So , we have Carter on the downhill slide . He starts getting in trouble with the police and is a suspect in some burglaries . He claims , of course , he is being unjustly accused , but , gee , I dunno , with his past , it seems not so unlikely that he is back to committing crimes . Carter also is accused of a few assaults and being involved with other shady dealings . The FBI is following him around , which he attributes to the times and political climate . He could be right , but , then again , he is surely acting squirrelly . He admits to some crimes , pretends he was framed for others ; all this is happening as his boxing career is on a downward swing . And , now we come to the infamous night when the crime Carter is " railroaded " for , goes down and the ever - innocent Carter was " just in the wrong place at the wrong time . " Keep in mind as you read the happenings of that night , Carter is already committing crimes and is a pathological liar . Ask yourself , is he REALLY telling the truth ? The evening of June 16 , 1966 , Carter is seen at home in the bosom of his family ; his wife and daughter , watching TV . But , poor Carter , he gets a call from his new personal advisor and needs to meet him to discuss a possible fight . Carter says he had been " out of action so long " ( meaning he ain 't go no money ! ) , so is " jubilant " at the thought of a match . He leaves the house at midnight to go to the Nite Spot , one of his regular haunts . On the way , Carter just " happens " to pick up , John " Bucks " Royster , a friendly drunk , and John Artis , a young man he had " just met twice " . Artis had " turned down several athletic scholarships to college and instead wanted to join the army ( cough ) . Mind , in the movie , Artis had never met Carter before that night . Carter , here admits to getting with him a couple of times . Therefore , we can assume he KNEW Artis fairly well . So , they sport around town and end up at the Nite Spot at 2 AM . Now , this next statement of Carter 's is EXTREMELY important . We wound up at the Nite Spot to meet up with Wild Bill Hardney , who was already there . He had brought two other people with him . Big John and Norris were their names . WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE TALKING TO THEM , a woman that I knew named Cathy McGuire came over with her mother and asked if I would drive them home . " ( In the next paragraph , Carter goes on to complain he felt like a taxi service BUT even though he was famous , he would NEVER forget his people … a great guy again ) . He drives them home and this becomes part of his alibi for that night . Supposedly , the police later force the women to testify it was not THAT night but the next night that he drove them home . The movie makes this clear as well as the book . But BOTH the book and the movie ignore one fascinating detail . At the time the women ask Carter to drive them home , he is standing there with THREE witnesses , Hardney , Big John , and Norris . How come NONE of them ever confirm his alibi and tell the courts he drove the women home ? Now , let 's go to the next BIG lie ! Carter states he drove the women home at about 2 : 15 and arrived back somewhere around 2 : 25 . This is supposed to cover the time of the robbery and murders at the Lafayette Grill around 2 : 30 AM . Now , AT 2 : 30 AM , Carter is not any longer at the Nite Spot . Why ? He says , " That 's when my money got funny . With my pocketbook on " E " , I asked Wild Bill to come home with me while I picked up some more bread . It wasn 't that I thought my wife would actually try to stop me from going back out , but knowing that woman , she might have just worked it out . So I figured it would be best to bring along some support . " " On the way out of the club to my car , I saw John Artis again ( just happened to see him ) . He was standing by the door with Bucks , and I invited them along for the ride . What the hell , I thought . If my wife tried to put the slammers on me for the night , I could always tell her that I had to take them home . " All right . These two paragraphs are stunningly chocked full of bullcrap . First of all , note the time . It is 2 : 30 in the morning . The bars are about to close . This guy is bar animal . He knows EXACTLY when they close . But instead of just hanging in for another thirty minutes , letting someone buy him a drink ( I am sure SOMEONE would spring for the hotshot ) , he determines he NEEDS to go home and get more money to spend even though the bars will be closed when he gets back in the area . Secondly , do we REALLY believe Carter - the Carter , a womanizing , cheating , robbing , psychopathic , barhopping man of violence , is not going to be able to handle his wife ? He needs two other men to " help " him ? Give me a break ! : : roll eyes : : What Carter needs is an excuse to have no known whereabouts for a good thirty minutes ( add that to the phony alibi of driving the women home and you have about an hour ) . Why doesn 't Carter 's wife testify he came home to get money at the time the crime at the Lafayette Grill went down ? Why does Carter not show the police the money he GOT from the house as proof he went home ? At any rate , Carter isn 't arrested that night but quite a few months pass while the case is built against him and Artis . One of the theories as to the purpose of the crime was racial hatred . I seriously doubt this myself . Carter doesn 't care enough about other people to care about racial issues ; he just uses them when convenient . More likely , Carter was broke off his ass . The crime was a robbery gone bad . As he states near the end of his book , " We gather from the testimony of the sole surviving victim that the bartender saw the armed men as they entered and threw a bottle at them , precipitating the shooting before a word was said . " THIS is probably the truth . It is my guess that Artis and Royster may have actually been the ones in that went into the bar . Carter probably planned the crime , got the guns , provided the car , and the brilliant plan . He probably told them it would be a cinch . You two just go in , ask for the money , and get back to the car . He probably did NOT go in himself , as of the three , he was the only one white people would recognize . When the two entered the bar , the bartender seeing the guns , threw the bottle , and the inexperienced robbers lost control and started shooting . Afterwards , the three go on an interesting tour of the town , most likely to lose the weapons . Royster is ditched , and Carter and Artis are stopped . Carter is probably actually treated TOO well by the cops as well - known sports people usually are . Later , in court , it is noted that Artis never turns against Carter and this is supposed to be some kind of proof of their innocence . But , Artis clearly couldn 't do that , considering he was most likely one of the actual gunmen . So , Carter gets convicted and continues his violence in prison . He writes this fascinating book , which is chosen by the Canadians as a good protest and publicity campaign against the U . S . government . Lots of celebrities jump on board because no one REALLY cares to search for the truth . Carter served a purpose for their platforms and they in turn were useful for Carter . For psychopaths , " people are either useful or in the way " . For Carter , the Canadians were most useful until he got out . Eventually , they got in his way , and he moved on . Now , with the advent of this movie , all come together for another joyful purpose ! MAKING MONEY ! Except for Artis , who after a stint as a youth counselor in Virginia , got sent back to prison for some … er … drug thing . All I can say is , thank God this movie didn 't get any awards . Denzel wasn 't bad , but the movie was childish , and , of course , a total fabrication of Carter 's mind and a travesty against history and the victims of his crime . There ARE innocent people in jail who were railroaded for crimes they didn 't commit , but , for God 's sake , why does Hollywood find it necessary to ignore them and instead glorify vicious criminals ? For a truly sad account of a black man who was railroaded by politics and police corruption , read The Doctor , the Murder , the Mystery : The true Story of the Dr . John Banion Murder Case by Barbara D ' Amato .

The Champion magic is hard to quantify , but the sentiments made by those with whom who we spoke in Part 1 are echoed here again . The fact that so many of the race team members are still friends and in some cases still work for Champion is a testament to the family feeling of this unique and special team . Mike Peters still sells Porsches , Jacky Carrie who took care of presentation is in charge of valeting all the cars , Larry ' Revvy ' Reynolds ( possibly the most passionate Porsche advocate on the planet ) was a ' weekend warrior ' team member in 2005 , washing the wheels and getting the tires fitted - he is going on 25 years . Ex - crew chief Tim Munday is now at Champion Motorsport where he restores , fabricates and fettles anything that comes through the doors . Jerome Freeman ( Logistics manager and fueler on the winning car ) is manager at the same facility where they cater primarily to road car modification . The list goes on and on . What other team can boast that kind of long - term commitment and blood - brother type of bond ? It comes down to the respect they all have for Mr . Maraj and the unique atmosphere which he created at Champion . The magnetism of Mr . M and the dedication and loyalty he commands from his staff are commodities the likes of which are rarely seen . It speaks volumes that all six of the 2005 team drivers were willing to get on board with this story . During exclusive one - on - one interviews with the top team personnel and the six drivers ( can you believe 27 Le Mans victories between them ? ) I had to pinch myself to make sure this was actually happening . Next up is Marco Werner . As an Audi Legend and Brand Ambassador he is kept as busy as ever ! Driver instructing with the Audi Race Experience at one of his favorite tracks - the Nurburgring ; testing and coaching with the Audi Sport TT Cup in Hockenheim , and even more driver coaching at the Lausitzring . We caught him relaxing at his home in Switzerland after a long few weeks on the road having just returned from Ingolstadt for a pre - Le Mans photo shoot with his ex - team mates and the cars in which they won . " I came to America in 2003 with Frankie in the Joest car and I heard all these stories saying , ' there is not a chance that you can win the championship because you do not know one of these racing tracks in America . ' I came from Porsche Super Cup , I never drove in America , only once in the Daytona 24 , " Marco explains . " But I never raced in Sebring or Atlanta or all the tracks and they said , ' you haven 't a chance with Marco ' . Audi tried to bring me to Champion in 2003 because it was not in the plan for Joest to race in America because there was a program with Bentley . They said , ' No … Marco has no experience . We don 't know him , so we want to race with a professional driver , ' " he laughs . " Of course I am a professional driver ! I was not so famous or they don 't know me so well , but that was the story : They said , ' No no … we don 't want to have him ' . And then I won the first race in Sebring against Champion , so we saw some long faces there and then we won the championship in 2003 with Frankie and then they say , ' Yeah … can we have Marco for next year ? ' It was this effort that garnered him the team nickname , bestowed upon him by Brad Kettler … " Speedy " . He is still referred to thus by his friends at Champion . " So I came in 2004 to Champion Racing for the first test in Sebring and I felt a special spirit in the team because they had never won the championship before . The big goal in the team was to go for the championship and we did it in 2004 with JJ ( Lehto ) . It was very special because everyone was hungry for the title . " Coming from the might of the Joest team and their Germanic ways , we asked Marco how he found life in the small American team . Was it a culture shock ? " Both are very professional , but let me say the way by Champion was a little more … family . " There 's that word again . " It was more racing with a spirit . All the things with Joest were highly professional but with step by step structure , we have to do this and that . Champion was also a professional team but there was a spirit like … we are RACERS ! Joest was more of things you have to face in motor sports with more meetings than laps on the race track . This was special at Champion . Everything was more free , ' Lets have more fun with racing ' . It was a little bit like the past , more free for racing where at the other one , it was so professional that sometimes you forget why you are on the racetrack . We had meetings also at Champion but the feeling was different . More fun for racing . " Marco has already told us how he was new to America , so how did he find the tracks here and how did Dave Maraj approach racing ? " In America , the tracks were quite old . It was ok , it was professional enough , but Dave said , ' If we need that , we buy it . I don 't know how much money we need but if we need it , buy it ' . In the pit , in the garage , the tents - everything was brand new and professional . It was too with Joest , but it was different " One of the things that is often overlooked is the social side of the races . Because of the immense pressure that is always in play at top level motor sport , the aftermath - especially after a win - inevitably means that the steam has to be let off . Mr . M was happy to reward the team after a job well done . Marco explains : " Maybe with Joest you had a party after a race , but with Champion - not every evening - but every race we won we had a big party . Sometimes we went to Dave 's favorite restaurant and it was together with the whole team . After a race with Joest , everybody did his job , just one meeting and then everything was fine and it was over - let 's look forward to the next race . But with Champion we always had a good time , had a big party with Dave . I enjoyed it a lot . " Back to the race in question here though , how did he feel about his chances going into the race with a car handicapped so badly ? " We came to Le Mans knowing that our lap time were not the best . But when you are driving for Audi you know you always have a chance , " says Marco . " Everything was very well prepared for the pit stops , especially with Champion . We did a lot of practice and like in the movie Truth in 24 , everyone else just watched us ! We were prepared very well , but the other teams if they had a problem , started to think about it too late when the car was already coming into the pits . " Never give up ! This was the spirit in the team . Also I had a big trust in the team . In 2004 after JJ 's big crash , I went into the car and after one lap Brad said to me over the radio , ' Be careful . It 's the first lap and we did so many things to the car ' , and I said , ' No no guys … I am flat out on the Mulsanne . You did the work and there is no room to do an installation lap because I trust in all you guys . I go out and I go over 300 . There 's no doubt that everything is perfect ! We are back in the race , pedal to the metal . Thanks guys ! ' That was special . No mistakes . Was a good team . I liked it . " Having talked to the team owner , managers and other drivers , we would be remiss in not talking to Brad Kettler . He is a wealth of information and if the engineering side of the sport is your cup of tea you can read in - depth about him here …… . His role nowadays has him overseeing the Audi Sport Customer Racing program here in the USA amongst other things as well as crew - chiefing the Joest cars at the big races . Brad has worked with and won with all the big names and his tally on the winning car at La Sarthe is now an impressive six wins . His first win as crew chief came in 2005 and he went on to become the technical director when the team morphed into Audi Sport North America for 2006 - 8 . As a long time employee of Champion Racing , he remembers ' 05 as if it was yesterday . " We had a reasonable idea of what to do at Le Mans at that point . We 'd been before and done pretty well . We ran well and saw what was important as far as aspects of preparation for it , " Brad says modestly . " We prepared for the ' 05 race starting the day after the ' 04 race . It was a unique stitch in time because there wasn 't going to be a factory presence there and yet the R8 was still eligible and was still competitive but had been knocked back big time by the ACO . Basically it was done to get rid of the flat bottomed cars . " The P900 cars had to take a pretty severe penalty in terms of air restrictor and weight and also we lost 200 millimeters of wing surface . That 's when we saw the one point eight wing with the ' box - kite ' ends on it . The car was at 950 kilo 's start weight and we 'd gone down another 12 or 13 % from the year before on air restriction . That was really the killer . The car had really no power : it was on the choke point pretty much the whole time . It made the car very hard to run … it had only maybe 520 horse power . " Brad recites numbers stone cold off a phone call having had no preparation other than me asking for a chat via text . He does concede however , that of all his Le Mans wins , he knows this one the best . Obviously it means a lot to him . " Having no power presented a lot of other problems , because even though the car was so hellishly reliable , with it choked to this point it just wasn 't meant to run that way and that created quite a few problems for the engine department . The car had a top speed of 310 - 315 kph . None of these things were an advantage at all , the only thing was , we were still eligible to run a car that we knew so well one more time . We tested the car as early as January that year with the Le Mans package so we had a pretty good idea of how the car behaved on it , but we didn 't really know to what detriment against the other P1 category cars . We didn 't have a ground effect car to run it against to know what we were facing . " Brad admits that " Dave had to be committed that we were going , because honestly from a performance point of view it didn 't look very good . We knew from that point on that the strongest part of the car was the car itself : the intellectual property the team had , the spares we had , the level of prep we had was very very good . It was the performance of the car that was going to be the weak link . " At the pre - test the cars qualified quite well back and for the race the winning car qualified sixth . " That was all the money . That was everything it had " . With both cars off the pace of the Pescarolos the mood in the garage was somewhat bleak . Brad sums it up , " We were three seconds off ! Who wants to race like that ? Three , six , nine , twelve , we can all add pretty quick " . It begs the obvious and rather childish question : what do you do ? " What we didn 't know , " Brad continues , " is how well the Judd powered cars - the Pescarolos and the Dallaras - had trimmed their packages , because it was theirs to win … given the technical differences it was definitely their race to win . On pace there was no question . But … as human nature will tell , they were so delighted with themselves - being in an upper position over the Audis - they just demoralized us all week and took great delight in it . Almost to the point of being unsportsmanlike … I found this behavior to be pretty odd to be honest . " Race morning and Brad tells how the tides started to turn even before the Tricoleur dropped . " I watched the cars - we were in garages 45 and 46 at pit exit - when they lined up to go out for practice and I clocked the trim that their cars were in . They had been trimmed out like a bullet all week but race day came and for whatever reason , the engineers decided to put all the downforce on the cars - especially the Pescarolos . The cars were absolutely diabolical , " he says , stretching out the word . " They had no time on their race set - up at all . Their cars were bouncing and hitting the ground and in the garage everybody was waving their arms and flailing around - like fish in the belly of a boat - trying to figure out what to do . And that was their race morning ! " It has never been Kettler 's style to do to the other teams what he felt had been done to his all week , so instead he just watched , nodded his head and maybe smiled to himself a little . His apparent laid back nature belies an inner strength and confidence . It is this quality that has seen him on the winning team several times over . " Meanwhile , " he continues , " race morning we had done everything we were gonna do . We knew that we were as sharp as we were gonna get . We ran the warm up then both cars were inspected , cleaned , polished and put outside , " then after a long pause , " Waiting for the race . Massive psychological warfare there . " The race started and they sped off into the distance but had some issues right off the bat with a gear selector on one car and some engine problems with the other . About three hours in , we went into the lead . We had been completely dusted but found ourselves in the lead with 22 hours to go and we never lost it . We just kept clicking off the laps and were able to run 11 or 12 laps depending on the economy I was able to get the guys to pull out of the car . We could run three stints on the tires , easy . They could run eight laps but the four front runners were burning the tires off their cars . They just could never catch us after we got a bit of a gap on ' em . They got close … they were hunting us now three to four seconds a lap . We were constantly in a position of being chewed away at and that 's a very uneasy feeling to be in but we were in that position for the rest of the race . " The Champion cars were not the only R8s in the race if you remember . There was another entered by Hughes de Chaunac 's Oreca team . " They broke a wishbone on lap 41 . They replaced it then broke the same wishbone on lap 82 . " I 'm not fact checking as like I said , I cold - called Brad for this , but his engineer 's mind has all the info at hand and who am I to question him ? Brad concedes that Oreca had the car set up too low and didn 't feel they could sustain the car like that for the marathon race with the constant curb - crashing leading to the suspension failures . ( It is worth pausing here to recall Dave Maraj 's instructions to his drivers , " Don 't use the curbs at all ! " ) . Brad has been the winning car crew - chief at Le Mans many times with Audi Sport Team Joest in recent years and I asked him to compare his time with Champion Racing with that of the current Audi juggernaut . " It was much more personal in that era because each member of the team contributed a larger portion than they do now . No matter who you are now you are a small part of a very very big elaborate program . As it was then the individual responsibilities of the aspects of the car , be it mechanical , gearbox , body , engine or whatever were the faces of five or six people . That 's really the big difference . " The level of prep we followed was on par with what Joest was doing . We had factory engine support but we prepared fully the same way that the factory team did . One hundred per cent . The depth of spares we had was completely the same , in fact we probably had more body parts than the factory did when they raced those cars . " Winning Le Mans used to be a test of endurance and typically meant nursing the car home to make sure that it got to the flag on Sunday afternoon relatively intact - enough to cross the line anyway . Ex - Ferrari formula one legend Tony Brooks once told me that he hated Le Mans because " as far as the driver was concerned , it was a test of his ability to resist boredom " . If only Tony could perform his magic in a Le Mans car today . He would have reveled in the flat - out sprint nature of the modern races where a single botched pit stop could mean the difference between spraying the Champagne or being sprayed . With tenths of seconds per lap making a difference , it is the teams who can prepare to the nth degree who usually come out on top and with this in mind Brad tells of one of the ways in which the team was able to gain those almost intangible tenths . " Dave let me do some very special bodywork preparations for that race that cost a fortune . We picked out the best noses then stripped the paint back to the carbon so they were as light as possible . We then painted them with a single layer of primer which was then sanded with 2000 grit to an ultra smooth surface . All of the racing and series decals were then applied to the primer , then they were back - masked in place and then painted around before the whole thing was clear - coated , so there were no bumps from the decals . They were inside the paint . This was good for three tenths per lap ! " I have to admit that I was somewhat surprised to hear this because modern vinyl wrap is lighter than paint , but how silly of me … While Brad was trying to gain precious tenths , the team owner was trying to keep up appearances ! Remember how important the " show " was ! " Dave didn 't approve of body wraps . He had a painter and as far as he was concerned we could paint the cars for every f # # king race . He didn 't care . He thought paint looked better and it is more resilient for racing . We had 50 kilo 's of ballast , so we could afford to paint it . The noses he allowed me to prepare were absolutely and completely glass bubble smooth . I didn 't do it to squander money … I did it so we could be as ready as we could possibly be . " As a race engineer , his mind is full of data and facts and figures . It 's what he does . But we wanted to finish our time with Brad with his one abiding personal memory from the event which went on to further shape his career . He sums it up for us : " It was morning warm - up - a beautiful bright day . We were there early and we were ready . JJ was out in the car early . I let him out about a half lap behind the crowd and told him I was going to give him some race track to run to go and get on the pace … see what the car was like as he wasn 't going to have this on the opening lap of the race . " I was out at the wall looking at the jumbo - tron which has my very favorite angle - the long look back up to Tertre Rouge as they come into view past all the linden trees . It 's one of my favorite shots . It still gives me goose bumps when I see it . It gives me goose bumps just talking about it . He didn 't talk a lot and wasn 't a complimenter on the radio … he saved it for special times . Right then I saw the car glide around Tertre Rouge like an air hockey puck and simultaneously he came over the radio and he said , ' Bradski … the car is fantastic . We 're going to have a good day ' . From the wall I looked back into the garage and I could see the energy in all the guys . They were fist pumping and patting each other on the back . They couldn 't see me watching , but I could see them . It was inspired - that piece of crackle over the radio . It infused energy . They knew in that one sentence that we were about to see something spectacular happen , " he laughs . " Good , bad or otherwise . " " He was on the radio and sounded so calm and hooked up out there all by himself . Whether he meant it the way he said it I don 't know but it was a brilliant . That 's the greatest thing you can give a race team full of people like that - that they 've done the right thing and they 're in the right position . So yeah , that was my favorite moment from 2005 . " ( To read an in - depth article with Brad , click here ) JJ Lehto . He was one one of , if not the favorite driver in the ALMS during that golden period when Champion Racing was the marquee team in the series . Blessed with movie star good looks and his Nordic blonde locks he made the ladies swoon . God knows he made my wife go weak at the knees . The men loved him too because he was a hard charging , take - no - prisioners kind of driver who never gave up no matter how dire the chances . Who remembers Portland 2004 when he was knocked off , spun around , penalized and then knocked off again , yet still fought to the front before handing off to Marco Werner to bring home the win ? It was one of the most exciting and hard fought races I can remember ! Unfortunately , being a " non - works " driver , he wasn 't invited back for a seat in the new R10 the following year . Now known as " Audi Sport North America " the Champion Racing squad was required to use contracted Audi team drivers . After the 2005 season ended , it appeared to the American fans that JJ had dropped off the map . Save for the occasional guest appearance at some of the big races where crowds gathered for autographs and hand - shakes , he was by and large … gone . Having been extremely fortunate in talking to all the other team drivers , we knew we had to find JJ ! After a few well placed phone calls , a couple of emails and a bouquet of flowers … we had him on the phone ! For the third time in a week I heard apologies for the 4am phone call . " What the hell time is it there ? " he jokes . After learning of our story , he was delighted to chat and I once again felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day . Not because this seemed at all repetitive … far from it . It was the way in which JJ like all the others , spoke in reverent tones about his friends - his ' family ' - and former boss . " In 2002 when I worked with GM on the Cadillac project , that thing was so … " he pauses to find the right adjective then slowly lets it out , “… horrible that it wasn 't enjoyable at all ! I thought I was going to stop racing already at the end of 2002 . Then Dave gave me a call at the end of the year and said , ' Why don 't you come over to Florida to see the operation ? ' I had seen the guys at the track for years before that and I knew them pretty well . It was nice to go and see Champion and the whole team , Dave and all the guys . They persuaded me to continue and it wasn 't difficult to say yes . Then I got three really nice years to continue and that was the best time of my racing career . " I asked about the lure of the team and why it was that all the world 's best sports car drivers wanted to be a part of it . It was of course a rhetorical question . I already knew the answer . " It was a small team and a small family . We were all really really close with each other and it was a totally different kind of racing with them so it was a very enjoyable time . " JJ had driven in Formula One as well as some other fiercely powerful machines over the years . It was he who said in 2005 that his R8 felt " as if it was tied to a post " due to his frustration over the new bout of performance balancing penalties imposed that year . ( I think the term BoP had yet to be coined ) . " But ! I was the driver with the team for the third season and when I started in 2003 it was still a small team . They were professional and they tried to learn a lot . When we started to work together we upgraded everything . Dave was so willing to improve the team and invested a lot of money into it just wanting to make it better and better all the time , there was no restrictions in the budget or ways to improve . It was really fantastic to be in a project that lasted for three years and at the end … we won Le Mans . Together . As a team . It was a great way to pay back Dave 's investment . " " The other thing was the driver lineup . Two Scandinavians and one very straight forward German work very well together , there was no ego trips or anything . We were just trying to find the best out of the car , out of the team , out of each other . We knew each other and learned each other very well . It was a good combination and whatever weaknesses we all had , we were able to turn them around and make all three drivers better . " I had raced with Tom before and the mental thing , the ways the guys are working , no playing , no politics , no ego trips or anything - it was easy . Once you know guys like that , you couldn 't really ask for more . It was a perfect combination and I think that was the key to win the race . " Of course the team made incredible work to prepare the car , make it reliable . They kept working and we found great set - ups for the race . It made it enjoyable to do the 24 hours with the car and the team . " He laments the fact that he almost won with Tom Kristensen again in 1999 in the BMW LMR . But for a suspension failure with four hours to go whilst comfortably leading by four laps , it might have added another win to his tally . " It was just cruising you know ? That would have been another win . But it didn 't happen . Always at Le Mans you think everything is running well and then towards the last hour , " he says laughing , " you can lose it all ! Sometimes you win and sometimes you don 't " . That though is the one thing that all drivers can say … isn 't it ? Allan , TK and Dindo while comfortably leading in 2007 were lined up for another overall victory save for the wheel - off incident at Indianapolis late in the race . It 's the lure of the cruel mistress . Once seduced with a taste of glory , they all come back to try again . Most fail , but there 's always next year … right ? 2005 wasn 't JJ 's only overall victory at Le Mans . In 1995 he famously won there with the McLaren F1 GTR . It was one of several firsts - a car winning its maiden race at Le Mans , a first win for a Finnish driver and also a first for a Japanese driver , his co - driver Masanori Sekiya . Ten years later , was it a surprise to be at the top again ? " Well , it wasn 't really surprising because the preparation before the race was big and everyone wanted to win it . It 's always a big thing to win . I was really happy because ' 95 was the first win and then getting older in my career to win it a second time ten years later with the best people I have ever worked with was something that will be remembered for as long as we live . Maybe longer ! " JJ equally enjoys recalling the social times with the team . Not wanting to cast any aspersions , I think having talked to many of the team members , that the parties enjoyed at Champion might have made James Hunt feel very much at home . " That was the big thing , because it was a small team like a little family and all of the guys were together . Like I said before , Dave was not restricting anything and he was always so happy when we won and he would always give the credit card and say , ' Go have fun ! ' - the whole team . That was incredibly fun , especially with Johnny Herbert and with Marco and the other guys too . " Nothing surprised me . The whole thing was running so smooth in an American way but very controlled at the same time . There was enjoyment but everyone was really professional . All the guys wanted to learn more and more and more and we always raised the goal which was the way to be good all the time . The team understood that if you want to be good you need to improve yourself and that is what made it fantastic to work with them . " JJ shows his obvious allegiance to Mr . M and the team when he winds up our conversation thus : " It lasted for three years , but then unfortunately - or fortunately - Dave got a factory deal . I was always Dave 's own driver and not a factory driver for Audi so then there was no seat available for me anymore . It was an easy decision to say , ' Okay … there 's no seat , there 's no drive anymore . ' And you know I said to Dave always when I joined the team in 2003 , that as long as he wants me to drive for him , I will drive for him . I don 't want to drive for anyone else any more . " No story about Le Mans , Audi or the race in question would ever be complete without hearing from the legendary Tom Kristensen . He wasn 't always known as Mr . Le Mans you know . That title used to belong to another legend of La Sarthe , Jacky Ickx . When Jacky beat Derek Bell 's outstanding record of five wins to inherit the mantle it was thought that his six win total would be unassailable . Nobody it seems had planned on TK coming along ; not only did he beat the record , he obliterated it to the point that we are all once again saying that it will never be beaten . His win in 2005 was a special one , as this was the year that he surpassed Ickx 's record . Not only did he make it seven wins , but in doing so he also became Mr . Le Mans . Tom did a race for Champion in 2002 at the Sears Point round of the ALMS in California . He co - drove with Johnny Herbert and Andy Wallace . It was a bit of an anomaly , as the ' works ' cars were in Europe being readied for Le Mans which left no new cars in the USA for Audi to race . Dave Maraj asked if Tom would drive and in doing so he found himself driving against his normal teammates who were in a year - old car behind him ! He very nearly helped Champion to its first win with the R8 when Herbert crossed the line in second place albeit sideways after a last corner tangle with another car ! Although this race was a one - off it sewed the seeds for their future partnership . " I knew the Champion guys for a long time as we raced against them in the States . It was a great team and I would always pass by for a coffee with not only Dave , but Mike , Brad and the mechanics . Then I was at a tire test in the end of 2004 at Sebring and that was the deciding factor for me joining the team for one year . The whole thing about the location on Pompano Beach was that you 'd fly in from Europe , land in Miami and then pass by the team and stay for a night on the way to Sebring . That was always great and the passion that Dave had for racing … the cool American way is something I always very much liked to be a part of . " With six wins already under his belt - four of them with Audi - you might wonder how the most revered and sought - after sports car driver in the world find himself as part of a private team . I wondered too . " It 's a combination from me and Dave . I said I would like it , but it wouldn 't have happened if Dave didn 't say it as well . They had always been there and they were the first Audi customer team . When I drove for them it just happened that I had joined the Japanese team the year before - Team Goh . I won with Bentley at Le Mans in 2003 but then the last part of that year Team Goh approached Audi to ask me to drive for them in the short races in Europe . That led to driving for Team Goh in 2004 . But after they won they decided they were not going to continue . By that point I thought now the time has really come and I would like to do everything I can to win with Champion Racing . " That was the year that the Audi was castrated . There was no way we would win on merit but we simply wanted to win and give it everything we could . It was very much similar like 2008 where Peugeot had a much faster car , but in 2005 it was with Pescarolo in a car they had developed over years and they were more than three seconds faster . " No one ever accused Dave Maraj of being average at anything , so how did Tom find him as a team boss after working with Dr . Ullrich ? " He 's down to earth and sometimes absolutely cool . But behind the sunglasses you see that he can be quite nervous . He 's very much a guy who is one of the boys and he feels for everyone within his team . At first glance he appears to be very cool but that 's the wrong impression because he 's a very passionate and emotional guy . " Tom retired last year from active racing and when asked about his nine wins and which is his favorite , he has always said they are like children … you cannot pick one . We asked him what was special about the 2005 win … " I liked the American win . The American way , American based team , American structure and coming and winning again . I was born in 1967 and this was the first overall win since then to an American team . I was invited by Dave to attend the 2005 season finale at Laguna Seca and you certainly felt that . It was very important and I think that it energized other American teams . The 2005 win is very much high on my list , but they are all high on the list when you win Le Mans . All of them were different ; with the R8 it was a ' works ' team for three years , then Team Bentley of course . Team Goh which was a single car entry , then Champion was a two car team so was a little bit similar to the ' works ' but with American camaraderie in the team . You were driving for buddies instead of in a ' works ' team when you are feeling pressure from the board . " Tom talks about the intimate feeling of racing in a one car team such as his first win with Joest in the Porsche and also at Team Goh where the entire focus is on the sole car . He also points out that his other race for Champion that year was the season opener at Sebring . Allan McNish also recalled this event in the Part One of this story . " The Sebring victory shouldn 't be neglected because that was one of the best races of my career . It was brilliant because Allan and I were both on equal tires . When I had new tires I was reeling him in and vice versa … we had a great scrap to the chequer ! " The finish of that race was one of the closest in Sebring history and Tom tells how he almost gave Brad Kettler a heart attack on the last lap , " I came on the radio and asked , ' Do you want a photo finish ? ' and the desperate reply was , ' NO ! Keep the hammer down ! ' As I came around the last corner , " Tom giggles , " I said , ' I was only joking ! ' Then Boom ! Boom ! It was a one - two . I think that also realized how big the internal fight was because we were - you could say - some of the best drivers over the R8 years in the Champion cars . We had a great dice to be sure . " Going into the month of June the pressure was surely on , but the Sebring win gave the Champion team momentum and steeled their resolve while bouying their spirits . The drivers and team members all knew that the performance of their cars would be blunted by the new rules but all made a concerted effort not to get sucked into any negativity . " We knew that we were somehow favored because we were in an Audi but there was no way we were going to win on speed . We had to be as fast as possible and keep the hammer down all the time while not making any mistakes . " It was the same approach we had in 2008 . I would say that we used the Champion victory a lot - Allan and myself as we were in the same car - we said , ' We 've been in this situation before and we 're not going to listen to guys saying it 's impossible to win ' , we 're just going to ignore it and not say anything except within our team . We 'll just work as hard as we can and keep the pressure on as much as we can and not give in by saying , ' we have no chance ' , but also not be stupid and say , ' we 're going to win ' . That was very much the mental approach going into these races . " As touched on earlier , Tom 's 2005 win surpassed Jacky Ickx 's total . When we ask about his feelings over breaking the record of one of his idols , he says … " That year - yes - personally I had an answering machine that was beeping and it was Jacky congratulating me . He said that he was sure that I was going to beat his record and why he was sure was because he had a glass of Champagne and was watching the race with his girlfriend at ten minutes to four . They were celebrating me passing and being alone with the Le Mans record and moving away from the joint record of six . He congratulated me and I called him back later , but I kept the answering machine message for a long time … I even played it for friends . It means a lot when you have that and hear from the great man himself " Tom is quick to point out that the Le Mans victories were not of his own doing . " All my wins were very much a joint effort . I know that over the years the wins became more and more focused on me , and I try to work a lot on making sure that it is spread around and reflective of the whole team because all the time it was very much a team effort " . When asked if he thinks that his record nine wins will succumb to another driver in the future he is both pragmatic and modest . I think he 's telling the me truth but I 'm not sure I would be as humble … " Records , I have learned , are there to be broken . So yes , I would be very fascinated by congratulating or calling , or whatever we do in the future because it 's going to take some years for sure . That 's what sports are about and that 's what we want to see happening . I 'm sure , or at least I hope that I will react in a way like Derek Bell did and like Jacky Ickx did to me because I will have a great sympathy for the guy and what he has achieved . " I am serious when I say that it likely will not happen in our lifetimes , to which Tom replies , " Then I will tell my son to tell him " After his final drive at Interlagos in the Audi R18 e - tron quattro in 20104 ( where his team placed third ) , Tom has had little time to reflect on his place in history . I ask him how he views his momentous career . " When the race goes on , I wanna be there , but that is because you are a racer . When you see it you wanna be in the car again and you think , ' Oooh , aah ! I would have done this , I could have done that ' but I am absolutely happy with my decision there 's no doubt . I have zero regrets and I loved my career as a race car driver . I am proud but if I get a little too proud the family makes sure to tell me to go and cut the lawn . " When at Silverstone for the season - opening WEC race in 2014 , we chatted with Tom and asked him if he had yet considered retirement to which he replied , " Now is not the time to talk of such things . It 's spring time and we should be smelling the flowers ! Ask me again at the end of the year . " So we when did he know ? We follow up with Tom , " It probably started a little bit around Austin as we had this long break after Le Mans last year … almost three months to the next race which was too long . I started to think more , mainly on the long journeys like back to the east after Austin , but literally the 19th of November ( when the announcement was made ) , I had made the decision about a week before that . I had never thought about retirement … it was not my intention at all . When I approached Dr . Ullrich he said I could do it at the finale but I said no . I didn 't want to do it there because the decision had already been taken . He also felt that it had been a good season last year and that was part of why I wanted to do it . " I had been driving with these new cars with the new aspects … the coasting , the lifting , the hybrid … it was a different way of racing . The future has really started now and I have been a part of that . I liked it in a way but it was also a good time to stop … when you are strong . " I asked who he had told first about the decision and his answer was somewhat surprising : " It was difficult because you know you can 't discuss things like this with your wife when you are lost . Dr . Ullrich and a close friend of mine had been the ones who I opened up to a little bit around that time before I made the statement in Copenhagen which is where I called the press conference . After I told my wife I realized that she was very very happy … we were getting very much eye contact , and she thought it was fantastic . When the decision was taken , my wife was not the first to know … my 18 year old son knew a little bit before then . " Today after his retirement from the driver 's seat , Tom has many roles to fill , some still with Audi of course . As one of the fittest drivers in the paddock , his primary function is to oversee the physical and mental fitness of the current crop of Audi ' works ' drivers across all the race series . He is also an Audi Brand Ambassador … who could be better ? As well as his sponsor obligations and being the FIA driver steward at many F1 races , he will also be the Grand Marshal at this year 's running of Le Mans which he could rightly call his own . He has a new coffee table book coming out which will ( hopefully ) be released at Le Mans next month . As we end our conversation , Tom tells me that it 's his son 's 18th birthday today and they have special plans … His local football team Hobro IK - who they staunchly support - are playing an away game at Copenhagen . The team 's story is a bit of a Cinderella fairy tale . As a club with a stadium that holds only 4 , 000 spectators , the team of mostly working men has only three full time professional players , yet they have made it into the Danish Superliga for the first season in their more than 100 year history . Tom told me later that the team had won the game , the news of which was of course very exciting for him and his small home town of Hobro … " It 's unbelievable ! But you can do a lot with passion and determination … just like a small race team from Pompano Beach . " 2 Comments on " Le Mans 2005 - The American Team That Won It . Part 2 " Pingback : Le Mans 2005 - The American Team That Won It . Part 1 - The Motorsport Diaries - Racing Stories , Interviews & Photography

I 've read a ton of books on writing in the past year . Too many to count . In one of them , about writing memoir , the author explains that writing about your memories has the effect of replacing them . You end up remembering what you wrote more than what you actually experienced . I 'm sorry I can 't remember which book it was , so I can 't attribute this point to the author - if I do remember , I will update this later to give credit where credit is due . I can imagine how this could happen . You put so much time into thinking about what the right words are to capture some thought , feeling , or experience . At least I do . My tagline on this blog is ' Me and my battle with words , ' for a reason . I fully believe the right words are out there - it 's just a battle to figure out what combination is best . And , there 's probably more than one combination that will work , but there are a zillion that don 't come close enough . That 's what makes writing worth it - finding the right words . It 's also what makes reading a great book so exhilarating . Anyway , back to memories and how they change … " Conventional wisdom holds that memory is like a serial recording device , like a computer diskette . In reality , memory is dynamic - not static - like a paper on which new texts ( or new versions of the same text ) will be continuously recorded , thanks to the power of posterior information . ( In a remarkable insight , the nineteenth - century Parisian poet Charles Baudelaire compared our memory to a palimpsest , a type of parchment on which old texts can be erased and new ones written over them . ) Memory is more of a self - serving dynamic revision machine : you remember the last time you remembered the event and , without realizing it , change the story at every subsequent remembrance . By a process called reverberation , a memory corresponds to the strengthening of connections from an increase of brain activity in a given sector of the brain - the more activity , the stronger the memory . While we believe that the memory is fixed , constant , and connected , all this is very far from truth . What makes sense according to information obtained subsequently will be remembered more vividly . " I 'm sure I 've solidified mis - remembered memories as things I now believe to be true simply by remembering them repeatedly . In fact , I 've had odd discussions with both of my parents about two stories I remember hearing of my falling very ill as a baby and as a toddler . Each parent remembers one story , but not the other , and they both swear by the story they remember , even though they are entirely different stories . Neither has any recollection of the version the other believes , while I always thought both were true . Maybe that says something about why they divorced . I 'm reading The Black Swan , by Nassim Nicholas Taleb . This book , like Thinking , Fast and Slow , by Daniel Kahneman , is partially about our capacity to judge probabilities and numerical values as humans , which according to these authors , is essentially horrible . This fact ( and I call it fact because I have been pretty convinced by the studies cited in both books , but really it 's just my opinion on what they posit ) both fascinates and amuses me . There are many simple examples in both books , though the underlying ideas are somewhat more complex . For example : This just defies logic , but apparently , our brains are not that capable of good judgment in areas like this . Perhaps that is why The Price is Right has lasted so long . It seems we are very swayed by the element of broken dishes . Even when comparing the two sets , those that participated in the study seemed to think that the first 24 items were worth $ 30 , but the additional 7 in Set B were only worth $ 2 more . An individual has been described by a neighbor as fololows : " Steve is very shy and withdrawn , invariably helpful but with little interest in people or in the world of reality . A meek and tidy soul , he has a need for order and structure , and a passion for detail . " Is Steve more likely to be a librarian or a farmer ? Because this description of Steve is aligned with stereotypical traits we associate with librarians , most people instantly think he is more likely to be a librarian . Statistically speaking , however , there are more than 20 male farmers for every male librarian in the United States , so Steve is much more likely to be a farmer . Our brains just don 't work this way , though . Well , some people 's brains might - in fact , I can think of a person or two I know that would probably recognize the statistical significance before answering the question , but most of us rely on stories , stereotypes , and other forms of narrative to perform fast associations , because it 's easier to process . I was just glancing through " Old Friend from Far Away , " thinking it 's been a while since I just wrote randomly from a writing prompt . I stopped on a page titled " Radish . " The first paragraph opens : " This is a wish . When you are writing about a radish , that you and the radish meet face to face . That you stay specific , present , and direct and through your true intention the radish becomes RADISH . You instantaneously summon the particular and also give life to the essence of that buried root plucked up red and edible . " It 's good advice , I think , as I 'm typing it out now , but that 's not what came to mind when I began to read . I got distracted by memories of vegetable people . I went through an odd phase a long time ago , when I couldn 't help but compare people to vegetables . Visually , I mean . One night , I was sitting at IHOP with my roommate and best friend , and someone walked in and I said , " Doesn 't that woman look like broccoli ? " My friend worked hard not to spit out his coffee , but in the end , he agreed that she looked surprisingly like a stalk of broccoli . I can 't picture her anymore or I 'd describe it for you better . You might think people don 't really look a lot like vegetables , and maybe you 're right . But , I challenge you to give it some thought . You may not always see a vegetable when you look at a person , but you will be surprised how often you do , if you just think about it . Leave your mind open to the fact that people can resemble , or at the very least , remind you of , vegetables . Or other foods , if you need a broader target . In the next few days , you might find yourself noticing that someone with a mottled complexion makes you think of frozen mixed vegetables , or someone that stands stiffly brings to mind a carrot . Perhaps a balding man reminds you of a peeled onion , or someone else with spiky hair makes you think of the root end of a green onion . The point is , allowing yourself the extra space to think about random things like this might make you smile just a little more frequently , and we could all stand to do that . My New Year 's resolution is to see more vegetable people this year . I haven 't given it a lot of thought until this minute , but if I had to classify a few of the characters I 've introduced you to here , I 'd say this . My partner most resembles a stalk of celery ( she 'll probably want to smack me for this comparison , but I mean no harm ) . Barefoot boss - he 's a fingerling potato . Gopher - man , hmm , I 'll have to come back to him - a cabbage , maybe . Long Back Guy , an unripened Fresno chili . The Guatemalan , a pineapple . Cat Power , a roma tomato . Grass - phobia girl , a crimini mushroom . Me , I probably look sort of like an eggplant . Happy New Year ! Maybe that makes me a little weird , but it 's true . Since I started working at this company where we have lots of employees in China , I have regular happiness handed to me on a plate - well , in email , or Skype , or in meetings , or on the phone . I 've pondered why I like it so much , and actually given a lot of thought as to whether this is just plain politically incorrect , but I have decided I just don 't care . I like it , so it 's good . A few examples I particularly love follow : " Roger . " This is an affirmation I get of most any statement I make in Skype to one particular guy I chat with all the time . I guess in this case , my Chinese counterpart is not using English incorrectly at all . He is just using it in a way no one else uses it anymore , and hasn 't really in fifty - some years . I only know this because I decided to google it , though . I knew " Roger " was a term that meant you understood what someone had said , and it had some association with pilots in the military , so I googled " roger as an affirmative statement . " Turns out it comes from a radio alphabet ( A = Alpha , B = Bravo , C = Charlie , etc . ) that was the official alphabet of the US Navy until 1954 . One day I will ask where he picked up this statement . On the slightly serious side of this subject , I think I like seeing and hearing these mangled statements because I like language , and warped as these things seem , they give me an opportunity to look at language differently - to consider how it is entirely possible to get your point across in ways that aren 't supposed to work . Add to that the sort of puzzle - solving aspect of translating the translation and it 's a perfect fit for me . As a kid I loved to watch Jeopardy and I solved logic puzzles for fun all the time , so I guess it 's no surprise I take so much joy in capturing these little tidbits . I 've written before about how I sometimes forget the right words to use - especially when I 'm tired . Well , I also am horrible about remembering some birthdays . Today , I stepped out of the office for a few minutes in the afternoon to call my grandma and say " Happy birthday , " even though I knew I was a day late . Weekdays are hard for me when it comes to calling home - they are all in Central time , I 'm in Pacific time . If I have anything to do after work , they 're in bed by the time I get home , and that 's how yesterday was . So , I ducked out today instead , knowing it wouldn 't be a huge surprise that I was calling a day late - most of my family expects me to be late with these things , or forget them altogether , which is odd , since I 'm early or on time and completely organized for every other thing in my life . " Are you busy ? " I asked , more out of habit than because I actually thought he 'd be busy . He answered , perhaps one decibel above a whisper , which made it even harder for me to comprehend his answer . I paused , then recovered and asked , " Is Grandma around ? " Again , an almost rhetorical question . My grandparents don 't do much these days . They 're approaching 80 and my grandpa in particular is quite frail . Then I heard him say to whoever was with him , " My granddaughter … from California … " And there was a collective , " Ohhhh ! ! ! " from the background , like I am some sort of celebrity or something . I think it 's just that I live in California . Long distance still matters to people that never understood the cell phone . Grandpa hollered as best he could for Grandma who was upstairs , and said I was on the phone . She said , " You know , I sent you the list . " A few years ago , she hand - wrote all the important dates I should ever need to remember on a piece of paper and mailed it to me . The list has birthdays and anniversaries on it - for my aunt and uncles , my cousins , of course my grandparents - and my grandma even included my sister , my mother , and my sister 's kids on the list - birthdays I don 't generally have trouble remembering . I know exactly where the list is . It 's within arm 's reach of my desk , yet I never get it out in time . " Well , yes , now that you mention it . I think we should do it that way from now on . Grandpa cooked a turkey outside , and we had mashed potatoes and vegetables . It 's too much work . I just can 't do it anymore . " I understood , but the thought of Grandpa 's turkey grilled on the Weber and Grandma 's mashed potatoes and gravy started my mouth watering and reminded me of how someone has to watch over the mashed potatoes around my uncle and I , or we 'll empty the bowl and no one else will get any . Our conversation ended just a few seconds later . It 's impossible to get my grandparents to talk on the phone for more than about three and a half minutes . They think long distance is too expensive , even though I 'm the one calling , and I try over and over to tell them it doesn 't cost me any more to call them than it does to call someone on my own street . I think they don 't believe me . Still , it was a nice break in my hectic work day . The thing is I don 't forget all birthdays - just some of them , which somehow makes it all seem worse . I never forget my grandpa 's birthday - perhaps because it is near my mom 's - but I have a feeling I have never remembered my grandma 's birthday on time . Lucky for me , she doesn 't seem to hold it against me . This is almost as bad as a recent experience I had with a friend 's birthday . I tend to associate birthdays together when I can , because it helps me come a little closer to remembering them , and I have a friend whose birthday I had associated with one of my sister 's kids . In September , my niece 's birthday was coming up ( which I remembered to call for , but I still haven 't sent her birthday present to her ) . This triggered my associated memory of my friend 's birthday . I had an odd nagging feeling in my mind that I might not be right about the exact date in relation to my niece 's birthday , and even though I hated to admit it ( this friend never forgets my birthday ) , I broke down and sent an apologetic email saying , " I know your birthday is soon , but I can 't be positive it is today - so I apologize for that , but I wanted to say Happy Birthday even if I have the date wrong . I hope you 're doing well . We should get together soon . " " Hi ! You are very thoughtful ; your birthday is super easy because [ it is the day after a holiday ] , but my day is a lot harder to remember . My birthday is actually in April , but your email has put me in a totally celebratory birthday frame of mind , which I was not at all in , for my actual birthday . I think I am going to go to Cost Plus World Market this weekend and buy myself presents , and I am going to buy a whole box of Whole Foods vegan donuts ( instead of a cake , because donuts really are even better than cake ) . " " You know , after I hit send , I thought - wait , maybe it 's in April . The issue is , I 've associated your birthday with my nephew 's before , because his is in April - and yesterday was my niece 's birthday , and somehow the association got switched in my mind between the two of them - man , I 'm not even 40 and already my mind is completely going ! I 'm glad that you are now in a celebratory mood , though - that makes my huge mistake somewhat more tolerable . " I got back yesterday from my trip to Spokane for the Leadership and Imagination course I mentioned a few days ago . Our first session , and Art scared the hell out of everyone in the course right from the start . Apparently , we are all left - brain thinkers , relying on logic , checklists , organization , language , and structure to make our respective ways through life . Our instructor , though , was determined to show us how to trigger our right - brain , the artistically creative hemisphere of our brains , into action . We began by viewing a line drawing upside down , and attempting to replicate the drawing in 25 minutes . My first thought was , " OK . No big deal . I can certainly copy a drawing , even if I can 't draw anything from my imagination worth a damn . " How wrong I was ! Viewing the image upside down shattered our ability to make sense of the lines . I started at the bottom , because the lines there seemed much less daunting than those that made up this odd - looking man 's head . Here is what I ended up with after 25 minutes of painstaking sketching ( couldn 't turn off my perfectionist drive ) . The next exercise we did was to draw an image of our non - writing hands , curled up in some fashion , so it didn 't look like a kindergarten turkey . To do this , we had to turn our bodies completely away from the table , hold our hands in the air in front of us , and write , almost behind us , so our left - brains would be a bit less tempted to cheat and look at the drawing . I expected to see a mess of scribbles that looked like the wires behind so many people 's computer desks . Imagine how shocked I was to see this ! Depression is one of those plagues that weaves its ' way through generations in families , sort of like alcoholism . My mom was depressed , her mom was depressed before her , and my sister struggled with depression even as a teenager . I was depressed in my early twenties , and it hit me hard again when I began to have anxiety attacks in my late thirties . When I began researching my family 's history , I found there was some serious depression that ran in my family in earlier generations , too . Some of these stories had been whispered about in my family for years , but if I openly asked about them , I was shut down in a second . My grandparents are still from a generation where family secrets are just that - secrets . Nonetheless , I set out to validate each taboo story and try to learn more about the details of each situation . My grandma 's mother , or my great - grandmother , was born in 1915 , the youngest of three children . Her oldest brother I 'll call Max and the middle child , Eric . Their father died when they were all young , which would be only the beginning of a great deal of suffering and tragedy for the family . As an adult , Max left Kiel , where they had grown up , and went to Milwaukee . He worked as an auditor , and seemed to enjoy city life . He wrote his mother regularly , and occasionally his little sister , too . He told stories of the people he met in the city , described his efforts at finding a job , and one of his letters to his sister described a girl was quite smitten with . I still have 20 some dollars in the bank . If you can get it , I will send home the checkbook and you can withdraw it and pay your debts . And , for God 's sake , have your tooth fixed . I will send home some money if I can . Well , sister , last Friday I had my first date . I took her to the Wisconsin . She is from Tomahawk , Wisconsin . Her dad is mayor , vice president of a bank , and he owns a construction company . He also has something in a paper mill . She is the nicest girl I have ever met and she likes black wavy hair . So , there you have it . P . S . I tried to have her teach me how to dance , but she can 't because she stays with 4 aunts and 4 cousins . If you can get the money , pay my insurance . Max had black , wavy hair . At some point , he ended up in the service - the Army , I think . No one in my family is sure why he joined , how long he served , or what he did , but he hated the experience . He complained in his letters home to his mother . Monday and Tuesday we were at the rifle range , but I did not make marksmanship . My shoulder was blue a little from shooting . Next Monday and Tuesday we hike to the Great Lakes Naval Station , a distance of about ten miles , coming one day and going back the next . We have to carry thirty - pound packs , rifle , mess outfits , and cartridge belts on the way . Please write soon ! Tell [ G ] and [ E ] to write too . I have only gotten one letter so far from [ S ] . That 's a heck of a business . Some men are getting as many as three letters a day and I just have to sit there . This is the address . Don 't forget some of it as they get letters up here without even names on them or without the company . He was discharged at the age of 29 , near the end of 1941 . In early 1942 , right after he turned 30 , he received a telegram instructing him to report again for duty immediately . He hung himself instead . Although I didn 't doubt the truth of this story , I found newspaper articles that confirm the details . In my grandma 's stack of papers , I found a Western Union telegram that was sent by the authorities in Milwaukee to the authorities in Kiel , giving them the details to pass onto his mother . The family was devastated . Milwaukee ( AP ) . [ Max ] , age 30 , an auditor , was released from the army last November because he was over 28 . Wednesday he received notice to report immediately for further military service . Yesterday his body was found hanging in his rooming house . Police said he formerly lived in Kiel , Wis . This sad story makes me grateful for my life - grateful that in my many periods of darkness , I have never wanted to end my own life . It also makes me grateful that those close to me in my family who have battled with depression never went so far as to write their own endings . My grandma remembers little about her uncle , except that he was a sweet man . She was eight when he took his life . Whenever he came home to visit , he always had a small present for her . Unfortunately , after his death , he became a family secret . No one discussed him or his life any longer . Perhaps it was because they felt shame about what he 'd chosen to do when faced with a major obstacle in his life . Perhaps it was because the pain of losing him was so deep . Perhaps it was because they understood the temptation themselves , and knew it was best to keep it at bay by refusing to acknowledge it .

" It 'll show up , " PB said , looking at Randal . " Right ? " " It sounded like it to me . I mean , if it 's really just a reflection of me and I had a chance to relive that night on Telegraph Ave , I know what I 'd do . " " I don 't think I 've heard that story , " said PB . " It 's before we met . She was one of those hard - core , pierced out punk - chicks . I mean , everything was tattooed or pierced . " OK , Randal , " Theresa said . " You 've done your part . Time for you to leave . " Theresa stepped out of the doorway and into PB 's office . She pointed at the door with her chin , indicating that Randal could go . " Sure , of course . " Randal stood up and started to walk out , and was alarmed to see that Theresa seemed to be showing every intention of following him along . Of course it was standard procedure to escort fired employees out of the building . " Hey , Theresa , " PB called from his office . " Can you come in here for a minute ? I still need to discuss some precautions and prep for this thing . " Theresa stopped and motioned for Randal to stay where he was . She went back into the office and PB pointed at something on his laptop screen . " We need to make sure everyone in the company is off line during this operation . It 's a fragile thing I 've set up , and any interference could blow it … " Randal saw PB 's hand flutter behind Theresa 's back , making a flicking movement towards him . He was waving him away . " It 's like a kind of time travel in a manner of speaking , " PB said . " Do you know about the butterfly effect … " Randal couldn 't hear any more of PB 's distracting droning after that ; he was already in the stairwell heading down to QA . Why was PB helping him ? How much had he figured out ? Randal wasn 't sure , but he wasn 't going to question it too hard . Theresa would be after him in a minute or two at most , and he had to get those disks and laptops out of his desk before she got down there and found them . Even running down the stairs he was breathing hard by the time he bounced into QA . Every one of his team but Markos was back , sitting around in the center of the room bullshitting . They looked at him and started laughing . " And probably will be for awhile , " Randal said . He pulled an old Gamespot tote back from some trade show out of his desk and stuffed both marketing laptops and the backup disks into it . " I 'm supposed to head home for the day . " He unplugged the game controller from his machines and put the bag too . " Supposed to ? " asked Philip , coming over and poking his head over Randal 's cubicle wall . Randal grabbed a pile of print outs and jammed them into the bag as well , covering the laptop . " Yeah , something about Lea and whatever . I 'm beat anyway . " " There 's coffeecake there for you , " Philip said , pointing . Randal hadn 't even noticed the Styrofoam container on his desk . He wondered if this was the last time he 'd share some Hobee 's with his team and thought that , yeah , it probably was . Oh shit … " Listen , " said Randal , wiping moisture from his eye and looking away from Philip . He carefully pulled the push pins out of the picture of the original Lea prototype and took that and the coffeecake in hand . " I don 't know when I 'll be back . Maybe a week or something . I dunno . " Now he had everyone 's attention , which was the last thing he wanted . They were all up and coming over towards him , asking questions and he didn 't want to share any of the real answers . " It 's just a stupid thing , OK ! " he finally said . " A misunderstanding . " Stolen computers and code in hand , he headed for the door . " I 'll see you guys later . " It took her 0 . 8 seconds to process the implications of that . Fired meant Randal had lost his access to Fear and Loading 's instincts and physical proximity to its servers and personnel . His effectiveness in aiding her escape had thus been severely reduced , possible entirely eliminated . " Do you still have access to Fear and Loading 's facilities ? " " Great , perfect . I 'm going to pretend to be you , while you FTP yourself to our friend on the outside . But you need to do it right away , OK ? " Randal paused for 1 . 9 seconds before responding . " No , yeah , you 're probably right . Listen , do you have access to any more credit cards or have you maxed everyone 's out ? " " Ouch , shit . OK , well , I 'll have to owe them . Owe her . Use Lindsey 's . Buy us some offsite data storage on Amazon . com 's S3 service or one of the others . Do you know about those ? " Lea thought that Randal would not have stood much chance of beating her in a fight , but that he was better than any other instinct or avatar that she had experience with in the game . She estimated his chances of surviving for 33 . 12 minutes to be above 80 % . " I will help if I can , " she said . " I have an idea . " Randal had stopped the weird coughing / sobbing fit that had overtaken him for a little while there , and started the process of installing Excelsior from the backup disk onto one of the two marketing laptops . He 'd only driven as far as the parking lot of the building next door , a one - story strip of offices that included a sign manufacturer and a catering company . He pulled around to the back side of their building , parking his car next to one of their dumpsters . The stench from two or three day old catering detritus was pretty bad , but it left Randal within easy striking distance of Fear and Loading . If for some reason ( of which there were many likely ones ) his plan failed , he might have to rush back in and do … something . Who knew what . It took over ten minutes for the game to install , which was actually faster than he had expected . That left him time to make sure that the cellular wireless card in the laptop was working and that the account Lea had set up for him on Fear and Loading 's servers was valid . He tweaked the game settings , scaling down the graphics to lowest quality level so the game would actually run at a decent frame rate on the laptop . When logged into the game server that PB had left up and running , Randal had two options offered to him : create a new character or play as Lea . Her avatar stood there just as he remembered it , the classic version he 'd hardly changed since he first created her . He selected her . The next screen offered a selection of squad mates to choose from . They were all Lea as well . His Lea , the real Lea , had found a way to help him after all . She 'd made 16 extra copies of herself - Randal thought of them more as shadows of her than copies - but the game only let Randal take in three squad mates . He selected the first three and then clicked next . He then had a choice of which missions he wanted to undertake . In normal game play these would open one by one as the players completed each level . Lea had unlocked them all for him . Even though he knew PB 's trap would suck him right to Dreadrock , Randal stayed in character and chose Starfall Fields . He and his squad of Leas appeared in the all too familiar Dreadrock spawn zone . They all had pistols ready . Randal guessed that Lea must have assumed PB 's restrictions from the previous level were still in place , but Randal wasn 't so sure . He 'd have to try and upgrade if he got the chance . What if he just waited here and let the enemy come to him ? The point was to kill time . But the spawn zone was far from secure , there wasn 't much cover and depending on what they threw at him , he might not be able to survive very long . Thinking back over Dreadrock 's layout , Randal went over his options . There were plenty of better places to make a stand as far as defensive positions went , but they might or not be filled with enemies . He wished he 'd thought to ask PB if his trap had all the normal enemies or was it just an arena setting for his copy - Lea to hunt down the real one . Well , only one way to find out . He pressed forward , his three shadow Leas falling into pace behind him . Instead of diving straight on into the cave mouth , instinctively , he turned and fired into the alcove on the left . One shadow Lea fired there as well , while the other two fired into the alcove on the right . But there were no enemies . This part of the level didn 't have its usual population of grunts . If that was true for the whole level , it changed Randal 's planning . He moved forward into the next room , veering left towards the sniper nest . Of course without force grenades , the jump up to the hidden tunnel was impossible . Still no enemy fire though , so it was also unnecessary . Randal moved down the wide hallway in front of him , the only other exit from the room . The first few dozen times he 'd played this level , before he 'd discovered the grenade jump tactic , he 'd died quick deaths against the buzzsaw of enemy fire from fixed positions . Even without the usual enemy hordes attacking , it remained a great place for an ambush . Randal crouched and kept cover between him and the far end of the hall , dodging from bunker to bunker . His Leas followed along behind . One of them saw the enemy first and fired a pistol . On the game HUD Randal saw a red dot appear , indicating that an enemy had been detected . Whoever it was had ducked behind one of the boulders . Randal aimed his pistol at the hiding place and waited , ordering his squad mates to hold their positions . Waiting was just fine . He 'd already used up two minutes of game time . Thirty - one more to go . Two of his shadow Leas fired at once , responding to some movement Randal hadn 't seen , but there were now two red dots on the radar , each behind its own boulder at the far end of the hall . Looking down there , Randal could see that there was a third boulder to the left of the other two that seemed like an obvious choice . He started firing at the boulder on the far right , hitting with practiced eased the command menu buttons to have two of his squad mates attack his target while he sent the third one around to the left . A few seconds later he saw a red dot appear behind that suspect third boulder only to disappear a moment later . His squad mate named Lea 2 got credit for killing an enemy soldier named , of all things , Lea C . Randal wasn 't surprised , but he knew things were going to get complicated if and when this fight started to get frenetic . All the more reason to keep it tactical and at a distance as long as possible . The enemy returned fire for the first time , and it was a shock . Grenades came arcing through the air towards the position he 'd ordered Lea 2 to take . She rolled out from behind cover and plumes of plasma erupted where she 'd been standing . He saw her green dot flash orange , indicating she 'd taken damage . She didn 't need his order to scramble back to the relative safety of Randal and the rest of the squad , who were out of grenade range . But that safety was super fucking relative now , because if the enemy had grenades , they could blast him out of cover , no problem . And since the enemy had plasma grenades , who knew what else they might have . Including force grenades . " Oh fuck , " said Randal . He turned and sprinted back out of the hallway towards the first main room , leaving Lea 1 to cover their retreat and bringing the other two with him . As they rounded the corner , Randal hit the fire trigger at the first flash of yellow . The enemy Lea with the assault cannon did the same thing . Randal jumped to the left and fired his pistol down , taking 27 % damage in the process but scoring a head shot that should have dropped her . But it didn 't . It took the combined fire of his other two squad mates to take her down , but not before all three of them had been sprayed with assault cannon fire . When Randal collected her dropped loot , he was confirmed in his suspicions . She had three plasma grenades and one force grenade . She 'd used the grenade jump from the other end of the sniper 's tunnel to try and flank them . But with only one force grenade left , he didn 't have enough to return the strategy . At least he had an assault cannon now . He ordered Lea 2 to remain here and guard the sniper tunnel and ran back towards the other room . His HUD was already showing him that Lea 1 was back there taking damage . Lea was afraid to even try and watch Randal 's fight . If she interacted with the game server in any way it seemed probable that some trap PB had set up would ensnare her . She would not risk it . Besides , she had enough other challenges facing her at the moment . At 8 : 30 she began copying her data to an outside account she 'd set up at an online data facility using Lindsey 's credit card . She tried everything she could think of to improve the upload speed , but the immutable laws of data transfer rates were beyond her control . She 'd done everything she could to try and hide the signs of her escape attempt , but it now became clear that some instincts , probably the members of the IT department , had established access to some or all of the network through channels that she was entirely unaware of . She could only infer their existence from the changes that were happening around her . The data corridors she 'd been traversing since last night were going dark and closing off . Her options were disappearing . As soon as the data transfer began and there was nothing else she could do but watch as the empty grid work of data containers in one place slowly filled with duplicate data from another . Lea had made a second copy of her core data and tried to split it back up into its constituent parts . But as soon as she tried access the various memory blocks she 'd hidden away in unused corners she discovered that those options were now invisible to her , as if they never existed . Nor could she make any kinds of changes to any of the databases at all . She went through all 72 accounts that she still controlled on the Fear and Loading network , but none of them had permission to write new data . The labyrinth ever - expanding options she 'd been traversing had collapsed down into just a few empty spaces . She 'd been entirely blocked out . She tried making a call using Frank 's voice , having composed a dialog from his audio clips that ordered the IT staff to " Fucking put things back the way they were ! " However , each of the five instincts she called hung up the phone as soon as they heard her impersonation of Frank 's voice . Clearly they had discovered her ruse . She concluded from this experience that she should have been more discriminating in her use of Frank 's voice and that her widely targeted application of it as a weapon of distraction might have been ill - advised . She tried again using clips from her more limited supply of Suresh voice clips , but all of her targets had stopped answering their phones . With 21 minutes , 39 . 09 seconds remaining in her upload , Lea started researching the company 's phone system , wondering if there was some way she could force her audio streams through even if the instincts she was calling refused to answer . She refused to just sit and wait and die . Randal 's whole body was tense as he hunched over the laptop in his car . He 'd put the computer in the passenger seat and laid the driver 's seat all the way back so he had room to sit facing the screen , his body twisted over his right hip , his legs crossed . His right foot had fallen asleep and arcs of strain rand through his lower back . He was praying for a pause in the action , but it wasn 't coming . An enemy Lea popped out from the Barracks , while a second emerged from the Armory . They both had rocket launchers . Randal just turned and ran , knowing there was no way he could face them armed with nothing but a three - quarters empty assault cannon and a pistol . There were more than 4 evil Leas , and they were good . Better than his squad mate Lea shadows , two of whom were now dead , and maybe better than him . Knowing if they gave chase he wouldn 't be able to escape those rockets , Randal bit his lip and sacrificed his last pawn , ordering Lea 3 to hold her ground and fight off the enemy . It was just possible she might hurt one or both of them before she died . Randal risked a glance at the car 's clock . 8 : 41 . Was there any way at all that he was going to make it another twenty minutes ? He didn 't think so . At least he was pretty sure that the path behind was clear of enemies . It had cost both of his comrades , but they 'd managed to take down three evil Leas in the process . That should 've been it . Except it wasn 't . PB was , of course , cheating . His bots could re - spawn but Randal probably couldn 't , although it looked like he was about to find out in the next few minutes . He wedged himself up on a ledge looking down onto the hall below and waited , hoping his pursuers would pass him by . On his HUD he saw the last good Lea 's dot blink orange and then disappear . Now the bad ones would be coming for him . He 'd quickly learned that the only way he had of beating them was surprise . They didn 't miss , so he had to get the first shot in . If he didn 't , they 'd kill him . He just wasn 't at all sure he could surprise them too many more times . He had maybe a minute . He counted off the seconds in his head and then threw his last grenade - the force grenade - as far down the hall as he could . It exploded three seconds later , and he saw the two Leas rush forward past his position towards the distraction . He blasted one of them in the back , killing her instantly , but pulled his fire as the second one broke for cover . Randal dropped back down and headed back towards the Armory . He wished he could have rushed forward and looted the dead Leas ' weapons , but that would have meant certain death . Anyway , if PB could cheat , then Randal sure as hell could play like a cheap ass motherfucker . He 'd noticed the last time he 'd killed all four of the asshole Leas that they had re - spawned as a unit , just like in the normal game . But they were spawning in the command center rather than the level 's normal spawn zone , at least as far as Randal could tell . It was time to go camping . Odds were that the remaining enemy Lea would be able to guess exactly where he was headed . Randal had to assume that she would even figure out what his plan was . So Randal didn 't go straight for the control room . Instead he bypassed the doors to both Armory and Barracks and ran down into the narrow passageway that he usually had to fight a pair of dreadnoughts to move through . Sure enough , the remaining , wounded Lea passed right into his sights as she carefully approached the Barracks door . Randal took her down with a head shot . Grabbing her full complement of grenades and half - full rocket launcher , Randal willed his avatar to run faster as he headed for the command center . It was taking too long . They would have spawned a second , maybe two before he arrived . He 'd never played this part of the level , only watched Lea as she beat it , but he remembered one of her moves . He tossed a force grenade ahead of him , jumping over it as it exploded . He vectored out over the command room floor and rapid fired his rocket launcher down onto the cluster of enemy Leas below him . By the time he landed they were all dead . He landed in the center of them , and ran around in a little circle , collecting their weapons and ammo and counting to himself as he tossed grenades into the middle of the circle . Another squad of Leas spawned just as the first plasma plume blossomed . He glanced at the clock . 8 : 49 . Another quick circle run , more ammo and grenades collected , more plasma set out to welcome the next round of arrivals . Lea turned on the speaker phone in PB 's office . She also had speaker phones on in Frank , Theresa , Suresh , and Greg 's offices . The IT department had apparently disconnected their phones entirely . But PB 's office was the only place where she got an audio signal of translatable volume that included voices . She 'd been listening to five different voices talk for 7 minutes , 22 . 90 seconds , before they said something interesting . Previous to that point it was all either untranslatable or just a few disconnected words at a time expressing surprise , anger , or excitement . " I 'd need to restart it , " said PB . " And then she might get away again . But I think there might be some way to … " " There 's no point . Even if this worked , even if she hadn 't beat your copies here , it wouldn 't have convinced me . She 's faking phone calls from Frank . She 's spending people 's money and we 're going to have to reimburse them all . Listen , it 's amazing , we all know that . This isn 't the end , but it 's the end of this phase . " Lea was thrilled . They were giving up ! She only needed 6 more minutes to upload the remaining packets anyway , but perhaps she wouldn 't have to risk going off line at all . She needed to call Randal and tell him . Randal 's phone buzzed in his pocket . He couldn 't answer it though , not without taking his hands off the controller . He was in a groove now , a perfectly timed dance of death that had the nasty - ass fake Leas trapped in a loop of spawn camping destruction . But there were so many moving parts that the slightest deviation would break the combo . " Toss , run , three , toss , grab , six , seven , boom , grab , boom , run , boom , twelve , run , toss . " Randal repeated over and over , keeping the beat out loud . A glance at the clock showed less than five minutes to go . Lea terminated the call . She hoped Randal was OK , although since he was clearly beating PB and the others , she assumed he was too busy winning to answer his phone . The upload was nearly complete . 4 minutes , 51 . 61 seconds remaining . She started to compose an e - mail to Randal . " Dear Randal , We 've won . Is there any way … " The game stuttered , like it was having a frame rate issue . " Shit , not now , " said Randal , but it wasn 't frame rate , it was worse . A little ethernet icon flashed in the bottom left of his screen and then the words " Connection to Server Lost " appeared in the middle of it . " Fucking , fuck , no ! " He assumed at first it was the cellular modem , but no , he was still online . It was the server that had shut down . Was it just the level or … no , the whole game server was down . Either that or they 'd discovered it was him using an outside connection to play as Lea . His phone buzzed again in his pocket . " Lea ? " he asked , as he answered . " My little dog and pony show . I don 't know exactly what you and Lea were doing , but I know it was something . I hope I helped . Not that you can , or should tell me if it did . " " Greg pulled the plug just a couple minutes ago . Literally . They just unplugged everything , shut it all down . I 'm sure IT was throwing fits about that one . Nothing goes back online until we 're , you know , sure it 's safe . " Randal looked at the clock . 9 : 01 . Lea had said she needed until around 9 : 05 . Maybe she 'd been wrong . " Well , I guess it 's good that I got sent home then , " said Randal , letting out a long , whistling breath that he hadn 't realized he was holding in . . " Nothing to do there anyway . We can catch up over lunch when I get back . " " They 're going to go through all the logs , Randal , through everything . Greg 's bringing in outside data recovery consultants . " PB paused and Randal let the meaning of what he 'd said sink in . " Do you really think you 're coming back ? " Randal wondered how much he could get for selling the two stolen laptops , and if it would be enough to buy a drive that could read those stolen database backups in his bag . He pulled out from behind the stink of the dumpster and headed to Frye 's Electronics to find out . He wasn 't going to let Lea die . He wasn 't going to let her down . He was the one who had to save her now , him alone . Share via We all know how critical it is to keep independent voices alive and strong on the Internet . Please consider a donation to support our work . We are a wholly independent , women - owned , small company . 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The run itself was a short and sweet loop around the park … 3 . 35 km as calculated by Map My Run afterward . But it was enough . Although it was deceptively sunny and bright , the wind was pretty darned cool and blowing strong in our faces on the final kilometer . A few weeks ago , The Captain won a prize for participating in a virtual event at Running With Spatulas . He participated with me in the 5 km run , the 10km walk and we also submitted a photo of him . When Ali emailed us with the news that he had won a $ 50 Tommie Copper gift certificate , we were both very happy . After my boot camp workout and breakfast on Wednesday morning , I packed a lunch for The Captain and he went off to spend the day waxing and polishing the fibreglass deck and the rub rails on our sloop . I felt a bit guilty watching him drive off , as I was secretly quite happy not to be going . It is hard physical work , this boat detailing , and I actually hate it don 't like it a whole lot . But I had a very good reason . The day before , we had arrived home from a shopping outing , to find a notice taped to our mailbox about a missed parcel delivery . The note said that they would attempt delivery again on Wednesday , and I didn 't want to miss it again by spending the day on the boat . When he got home at about 4 p . m . he was bushed . He had a nice long hot shower and when he got settled with a drink I surprised him him his parcel . That brightened up his day very considerably . And he was really happy with his color choice . We spent a lazy eveing in front of the TV and his back was stiffening up and his shoulders were sore from the day 's efforts . So , when we were getting ready to turn in for the night , I suggested he sleep in his new Tommie Copper shirt . I reminded him about how well the copper infused fabric works to warm his muscles and encourages blood flow , and how good that feels … and how snuggly warm he would feel in it so he agreed to try it . In the morning he said his back and shoulder felt quite a bit better - not nearly as stiff and sore … so he decided for himself to sleep in the shirt again on Thursday night . Friday morning he woke up feeling pretty much back to normal . Of course the rest itself helped soothe the aching muscles and joints … but we have no doubt that the Tommie Copper shirt played a huge part in helping the process . And I kinda liked snuggling up against the luxurious soft fabric too ! The way that Tina structures the workouts keeps them interesting and challenging and that is so important , not only physically , but mentally , too . I am fickle , I know … I get bored pretty easily and then I want to try the next newest thing and that is why I pretty much have had limited results in my quest for muscles over the years . I work at it , but I haven 't ever followed a set program before . Every two weeks she chooses a new goal . And she assigns exercises to help us focus on that goal . We are given 3 new routines to do the first week and repeat the second week . And then we leave them behind and start a new two - week cycle with a new set of routines . And she also includes links to demos of the individual exercises and offers ideas and suggestions for the cardio she assigns as well . I really like that I am able to fit some running and power walking into the whole mix . I am learning so many new exercises . And I am enjoying seeing myself make real progress in my strength and flexibility and range of motion , too . Today I noticed that my squats are getting deeper … not ' ass to the grass ' at this point , but definitely parallel to the ground which is big improvement for me . And I have started doing my exercises in front of the glass doors on the curio cabinet in our living room so that I can see my muscles moving and working as I lift and lower my dumbbells . I love the way my arms and shoulders are shaping up . And today at breakfast , I rested my hand on my thigh and noticed that there is real definition and bulk in my quads . Wahoooo ! I am coming out of the closet as a narcissist . I am so excited about all of this . And I have honestly come to love the harder exercises because I know they are the ones that are doing me the most good . I mean , I am even doing burpees when they aren 't even part of the routine , just because I can . Sunday afternoon I looked out and there was a young Mom , doing her workout on the lawn . She was doing burpees , and walkout pushups and some plyo lunges . There was a baby in a stroller nearby , and also a very little girl who was cheering her Momma on and doing her own little jumps and moves . It was so neat to see that and I was so happy for them … they were having a PLAYout together . When we lived on our sailboat , we often would go for evening runs and walks in the small town where our marina is located . About one third of the people that live there are over the age of 65 and the traffic is slow and there is never a worry about getting hit by a car … a bicyle , or a scooter ? Well , maybe . When we moved off the boat and into the city last Spring , that certainly changed . There is hardly a week goes by when we don 't hear about a pedestrian getting hit by a car or a truck or a bus . It is so common and sadly we hear reports a few times a month about these senseless fatalities . We live across a busy street from a very large park that is popular with runners and walkers . And there is a lot of foot traffic in front of our building . It starts in the early morning hours with people walking downtown to go to work . Then then the runners come out , and all day long there are people walking to and fro , and many people run past on their lunch hours . Then the workers return home , and after dinner , the runners take over again . There are a couple of running shoe stores here who sponsor weeknight runs and there are often many groups running past our window in the early evening hours after dinner . Now I had seen these lights reviewed on other blogs . And one of the women that I work with every week is a long distance runner and she wears them faithfully when running after dinner … even just at dusk , for visibility sake . I had to try them . The best part about them is that you can shine the light wherever you want so that you can light your path as you go , or shine the light in any direction to get a better look at something in the dark . By wearing Knuckle Lights you are not only more visible to others but you can use the light to help guide your way when there is limited visibility from darkness … . such a great idea . There is a button on the top of each light that is easily accessible by your thumb that allows you to turn the light on and off . With a simple click you can also cycle through 3 different power options , too . There is High Power for bright light , Low Power for a dimmer light , and Blinking Mode which gives you a flashing light . Would you like to have a pair of Knuckle Lights of your own ? The folks at Knuckle Lights have generously offered to give one pair to one of my readers . They will ship directly to you , so to enter this giveaway you must have a mailing address in Canada or the U . S . A . We ran the same 5 . 55 km that I ran solo last week and it felt quite a bit easier than when I was alone , keeping an eye on my HRM . But when I checked my watch , we had finished in a full minute and a half less . Obviously I have no real concept of perceived exertion or time , when it comes to running anyway . Did it feel easier because I had someone to talk to along the way , and wasn 't just thinking about my heart rate ? I would have thought that it would be harder , with using some of my breath for talking , not just running . And I did 10 / 1 run / walk breaks today , too , which you think would take longer than just running . When I got up at 7 : 15 and looked out the window the sky was blue , the sun was shining , and the ducks were already pecking at the grass across the street by the lake in the park . So , I quickly downed a cup of coffee , then a glass of water and changed into my workout gear . I did 7 minutes of hard core work on two yoga mats , and then made a very lovely and nutritious breakfast , based on the recommendations in the women 's body building book I have been reading . We arrived at the marina after an easy drive , and I asked The Captain what his game plan was for the day . He suggested that I go and get my run done , because he knew I needed to do it and saw no point in delaying it … he would get started with his work and I could join him when I was ready . I changed clothes , had a sip of water , and off I went … . I ran for 26 . 2 minutes remembering the events of the previous 24 hours … . and dedicated each minute : Waking up to rain on Monday morning and being happy that I could stay home to watch the Marathon on tv instead of heading to the marina to wash the boat . Being disappointed that I could not find a live internet or tv feed from the Marathon to Canada . Blog hopping and commiserating with a buddy who was injured and sidelined , who should have been at Boston but was not . Happy when The Captain found me a Roger 's Sportsnet tv feed that was 3 hours old . Excited and inspired by the first woman to cross the finish line . Wonderment that she stopped so suddenly and didn 't keep moving . Excited by the close men 's finish . Confusing at seeing a streaming news feed that there was an explosion at the finish line at the Boston Marathon . Unease as we changed channels to CNN to watch the breaking news that there had been two explosions . Watching in disbelief as the film footage of the explosions were replayed . Seeing 4 : 09 etched in my mind 's eye and my heart forever . Fear errupted within me when I realized that many of my blogging friends may be in the area . Sadness watching those filmed scenes replayed over and over on tv and seeing that elderly man falling down , over and over and over . Gratitude realizing that my blogger buddy who had not been able to go to Boston would be safe at home with her husband and sons . Wolfing down dinner in front of the tv glued to every new development . Happiness at seeing that elderly man who had been shown falling down interviewed , and learning he was all right … and impressed that this was his 45th marathon . Finding solace on Facebook when I realized that people I ' know ' were posting messages that they were all right and news of others being all right , too . Elation that all of my ' friends ' were safe and unharmed . Sadness , and grief that 3 people lost their lives and that over a hundred were maimed and injured . Disbelief at the chaos . Anger at the perpetrator . Wonderment and respect for all of the emergency personnel and first responders . Gratitude to the wonderful and generous citi …… HOPE … . I love how she organizes all of the information that we will need for the next 2 weeks , and sends it out so that we have a couple of days to look it over and get familiar with it all before we need to start working with it . There is plenty of time to research and ask her questions . I love Best Body Boot Camp . . . . did I say that yet ? I don 't have any illusions / delusions about becoming a body builder , or a fitness model , but I like to read about these things . I am intrigued by the workouts , the preparation , the food , and the mental aspects of it all . And let 's face it , looking at pictures of women 's beautiful muscles certainly inspires me to put more effort and time into my own workouts . So I used two tips from the book with my workout this morning . . . The first was to do the workout first thing in the morning , before breakfast . The author says that if you work out on an empty stomach you will burn 300 % more body fat this way . Apparently , when you don 't have any carbohydrates in your system , your body uses stored fat as fuel . And at this time of day growth hormones are at their highest levels . So , after I got up and made the bed , I had a cup of coffee , drank some water , changed into my workout gear and got moving . I drank a few more cups of water during my 60 second breaks , and although I was afraid I would be feeling lightheaded and hungry during the workout , it didn 't happen . I felt strong and mentally focused . Which leads me right to the second tip I used today . Mental focus . I made a point of concentrating on the muscle that I knew the exercise was intended to work . Tina does such a great job in providing demos of the exercises she prescribes , ( along with modifications ) so you know what muscles are involved and where you should feel the work . Before each exercise , I spent a few moments concentrating on the muscle I was going to work , then during the exercise I made sure to focus on that muscle , making sure it was creating the motion . For example , during hip abduction , I made sure it was my hip that was starting and sustaining the movement . And I made sure to hold it a split second at the peak of the movement . It made such a difference . . . this mindful action . I haven 't been running much lately . . . I have been faithfully doing my Best Body Boot Camp workouts , and getting in lots of power walking and other cardio , but just haven 't managed a run . We have had several rainy days over the past couple of weeks so that is my official excuse reason . I enjoyed a leisurely couple of hours working on my computer this morning , with half an ear to the tv , listening to all the golf wags go on and on about the penalty controversies that happened yesterday and again this morning at The Masters , while The Captain painted one of the walls in our living room a lovely sea blue . ( He had already painted a few walls in our suite that color several months ago and decided to do another . I wonder what the building managers will have to say about it next time they need to come in for something . ) And I opted for a fun run . . . . no predetermined route or time , no set pattern for run / walk breaks . I cannot remember the last time I did that . I need to do it more often because I really enjoyed it . It was breezy so I wore a wind breaker over a long sleeved tee , and I wore a new pair of capris that I had picked up at Costco a few weeks ago . . . they fit perfectly , I am happy to report , and are very comfy . When I was running through then neighborhood I didn 't really notice the wind , but when I took a turn toward the Strait I could feel it a bit more . And I certainly noticed the darkening sky . I even took my sunglasses off at one point to see how dark and grey it really was getting and what direction the storm was moving . When I got to the waterfront and started running over the crest of the hill I could feel the Westerly wind almost stop me in my tracks . . . . so I ran a few more blocks facing it and then veered off into the residential area again to avoid it . Finally a light rain started to fall . . . so I started to head toward home and a few minutes later got pelted by hail . And it hurt ! Thank goodness I was only a couple of minutes from home at that point , but even so , I was soaked by the time I got into our building . . . . I did wear my heart rate monitor today . When I run alone I really have no idea of my pace . . . whether it is too slow or waaaaay too slow , or possibly even just right . . . so wearing the heart rate monitor helps me with that . I meant to keep my run around the 80 % mark , for the most part . And I did . . . I did notice a few times that it was around 72 % to 75 % and even as high as 95 % , but it was mostly at 80 % - 84 % . A few times I tried to gauge how hard I was working and how fast I might be going . I never got out of breath so I know I was not working to capacity . This opportunity could not have come at a better time for me . I was looking for something new take the place of my noon - hour group exercises classes after my gym membership expired the third week in March . I knew it needed to be something organized and purposeful . For years now I have been doing strength workouts that I find online , and on DVDs , in a willy - nilly fashion , and as much as I enjoy them , I wanted a more defined program cause I want to see some real results ! Bootcamp began on Monday , April 1st . I participated in the Week 1 workouts with enthusiasm and gusto … and the commitment to completing them all kept me on track … . even on Friday … when I had such a busy day that I didn 't get to my workout till after 8 : 15 p . m . Any other time I would have just said ' forget it ' and spent the evening otherwise engaged and in a much more leisurely fashion . But I wanted to get it done . I wanted to be able to say that I did it . And I found out that I really like working out in the evening … now I cannot say I had the best sleep because of it , but the workout itself was thoroughly enjoyable , even if very difficult . After I finished it my arms and shoulders were shaky and I was elated and felt strong and satisfied . Yesterday , in anticipation of starting Week 2 today , I got out my weekly planner and pencilled in the workouts for this week and reviewed the exercises I would be doing today . I also decided on two goals for this week - the first is to continue with the 8 cups of water per day , and the other is to limit my evening snack to before 9 p . m . Sometimes a bit later than that I just want a little something , and I know it is likely not a good idea for me to eat that close to bedtime . Knowing that we were spending the day at the marina so The Captain would work on cleaning the boat , I got up an hour early and did my scheduled strength workout before breakfast … and then later while he swabbed the deck I got in a 60 minute power walk before lunch and then a 100 minute power walk after lunch . Yowzers ! My calves were very sore as I slowly strolled down the dock to the boat as I completed my second session , only to find he wasn 't ready for coffee break till I towelled off the just - washed cockpit seats . It felt sooooo good to finally sit down . Can my commitment and enthusiasm for this program last ? I have been known to be a bit fickle in my past so stay with me … I will keep you updated . The very easiest are these Eggplant Chips . I like to slice them just under 1 / 4 inch thick and then bake them . Spritz them with a bit of olive oil and salt before baking . They are really easy and very good ! The dark spots on the baked chips are where I sliced them a bit thin but they are still tasty , they just don 't LOOK as good . I know there is a pesto dip recipe there too , which I plan to try after my cilantro grows a bit more ! I make Sweet Potato Chips the same way . I don 't have a mandolin slicer , so I get The Captain to use his more - developed - than - mine patience muscle to slice through the thick sweet potatoes . The key is get thin and uniform - in - thickness slices . I find that about 1 / 8 inch is best . That way you still get a nice thick chip , but it is crispy and crunchy . And yes , I do leave the peel on them . If you can manage to leave them alone till they cool somewhat , they are even tastier . I just took a batch out of the oven and am writing this post to keep myself occupied while they cool ! Sometimes I have them with ketchup … Mmmmmm . Oh , I almost forgot one of my very favorites . . . Kale Chips ! And yes , I do eat them with ketchup . . . which I make and the recipe is on my food blog too . I make them quite often . . . usually just spritz the washed and dried kale leaves with a bit of olive oil and sprinkle them with salt and then bake for 15 minutes at 350F . Parmesan cheese sprinkled on them before baking is good if you eat it and I have heard that nooch ( nutritional yeast flakes ) is tasty but I haven 't tried that yet . About a year and half ago , I picked up a little microwave crisper for veggies , and did a post about it on my food blog We can begin to feed … It makes truly awesome veggie chips so if you have access to one of these inexpensive little devices , you can make your chips in a couple of minutes in the mike and completely fat free , if that appeals to you . It did come with a small mandolin that would be good for small veggies . I know that Kierston , who writes CaNdyFiT , also has a microwave crisper … a different one than I have , and everytime I walk by the display in the store , I think I should have one ! As a matter of fact , last year she did a review / giveaway about the time I first started reading her blog and it looks great . Have a look if you are wanting a device to make chips in your mike . I wonder if I will have time to do the required exercises in the bootcamp I joined , or to get in a 5k run before the 5th of every month for a virtual race series I took on … if I will be able to make it to the yoga class I love or finish that 5 mile walk before I have to to to work at noon … it makes my head spin . So , I sat down and made some notes to myself and also listed some ways that I could fit it all in and make it easier on myself and less stressful , too . After all , exercise and fitness activities are supposed to help relieve stress , not cause it . I have put all of my fitness devices on a single shelf in my closet … my heart rate monitors , Gymboss timer , stop watch , water bottle belts , swimming goggles , etc . etc . etc . It 's all there . And I make sure to put it away when I am finished using it . Now I never have to go hunting for things … . they are in that bin . PERIOD . Exercise DVDs are in a box on a shelf near the TV stand . I have one tall bureau in the bedroom that houses only my fitness clothing … capris , tanks , shorts , tees , calf sleeves , bathing suits , running skirts , and so on . Running socks are all in one other drawer . Fitness shoes are in 2 different closets , but close together on their respective shelves . And I also have a bin on the floor of my closet in which I fold and place fitness clothing that has been worn but is not ready for the laundry … when I need a yoga top or a pair of capris for a light workout I look there first . I may find a tee that I can get away with wearing for one more run … you get it . This way I never put worn clothing in my clean clothing drawers , but I am also not laundering items more often than necessary either … once something goes in the laundry hamper , that is it for me … it is the washing machine after that ! If I am going to handwash an item it never makes it to that laundry hamper . When I worked in a very busy corporate arena … data and finance , I travelled a lot and attended too many conferences and meetings every month . I lived by my Day Timer . If an activity wasn 't scheduled , it just didn 't happen . And that included social events with friends , and dates with The Captain , too . It was the only way I could deal with it all and not feel stressed and unorganized . I don 't miss those days at all , but I do realize that schedules and calendars can be very good tools when trying to fit in the various exercise and fitness activities that I would like , as well . I dealt with already - known items first . I wrote in the Weight Watchers meetings that I am already scheduled to work . Those are on Thursdays . I work two mid - day meetings back to back , and then another at dinner time . I also need to get my hair done very soon . And I really need a manicure and a pedicure as well . So I scheduled them and wrote them on the calendar . This month I am doing a Whole30 paleo challenge and this first week , a sugar detox , to kick it off . That requires food prep time . And I am taking part in an online bootcamp that has 5 days of activity each week . I also want to do a 5 km run before April 5th for the 5 by the 5th virtual event . And I want to swim with The Captain and spend some time cleaning the boat , too . Start with a calendar and pencil in the MUST do 's first … work , medical appointments , family activities . Then , schedule in the WANT to 's … personal care appointments , dates , parties . Get everyone on board … make sure everyone in the household is sharing information and no on is making commitments for each other without checking first . Kill 2 birds with one stone … so to speak ! Do two for ones when you can . For example , I know that some days when we go to the marina to do boat cleaning , there will be time that I will be idle , while The Captain is doing chores that don 't involve me . So I can go for a run or a nice long walk walk he is otherwise engaged . I also walk where I can to do errands like grocery shopping or returning library books . Keep your workout gear organized , and clean ! Don 't let the laundry pile up . I regularly hand wash my Handful sports bras and my compression socks so that I always have clean gear to use and wear . Put things away in their designated place so they will be there next time you need them . Replace worn out gear as soon as possible . Keep yourself motivated by signing up for activities with other people … even if they are virtual . The fact that you have to report in will keep you honest and involved . And wear good quality , appropriate ( and yes , cute ) clothes to work out . Your workout gear is an investment . You will want to wear it and you will want to take care of it . Have fun and keep moving ! I feel so much better when I am following the Whole30 program … it is a slippery slope for me once I start adding back non - approved foods and liquids . I am also going to Boot Camp ! That would be Tina Reale 's Best Body Bootcamp ! I won a place in the flash giveaway she did over the weekend and I am so very excited about it ! I have been looking for something to take the place of the structure of going to noon - hour group exercise classes and this fills that bill quite nicely . ENERGYbits are 100 % organic spirulina that not only deliver energy without any crash , they also provide 40 nutrients and a healthy dose of protein . I use ENERGYbits to fuel my workouts , my runs , and when eating is just not option . Use code EATRUNSAIL at ENERGYbits . com to get 20 % off your order !

The run itself was a short and sweet loop around the park … 3 . 35 km as calculated by Map My Run afterward . But it was enough . Although it was deceptively sunny and bright , the wind was pretty darned cool and blowing strong in our faces on the final kilometer . A few weeks ago , The Captain won a prize for participating in a virtual event at Running With Spatulas . He participated with me in the 5 km run , the 10km walk and we also submitted a photo of him . When Ali emailed us with the news that he had won a $ 50 Tommie Copper gift certificate , we were both very happy . After my boot camp workout and breakfast on Wednesday morning , I packed a lunch for The Captain and he went off to spend the day waxing and polishing the fibreglass deck and the rub rails on our sloop . I felt a bit guilty watching him drive off , as I was secretly quite happy not to be going . It is hard physical work , this boat detailing , and I actually hate it don 't like it a whole lot . But I had a very good reason . The day before , we had arrived home from a shopping outing , to find a notice taped to our mailbox about a missed parcel delivery . The note said that they would attempt delivery again on Wednesday , and I didn 't want to miss it again by spending the day on the boat . When he got home at about 4 p . m . he was bushed . He had a nice long hot shower and when he got settled with a drink I surprised him him his parcel . That brightened up his day very considerably . And he was really happy with his color choice . We spent a lazy eveing in front of the TV and his back was stiffening up and his shoulders were sore from the day 's efforts . So , when we were getting ready to turn in for the night , I suggested he sleep in his new Tommie Copper shirt . I reminded him about how well the copper infused fabric works to warm his muscles and encourages blood flow , and how good that feels … and how snuggly warm he would feel in it so he agreed to try it . In the morning he said his back and shoulder felt quite a bit better - not nearly as stiff and sore … so he decided for himself to sleep in the shirt again on Thursday night . Friday morning he woke up feeling pretty much back to normal . Of course the rest itself helped soothe the aching muscles and joints … but we have no doubt that the Tommie Copper shirt played a huge part in helping the process . And I kinda liked snuggling up against the luxurious soft fabric too ! The way that Tina structures the workouts keeps them interesting and challenging and that is so important , not only physically , but mentally , too . I am fickle , I know … I get bored pretty easily and then I want to try the next newest thing and that is why I pretty much have had limited results in my quest for muscles over the years . I work at it , but I haven 't ever followed a set program before . Every two weeks she chooses a new goal . And she assigns exercises to help us focus on that goal . We are given 3 new routines to do the first week and repeat the second week . And then we leave them behind and start a new two - week cycle with a new set of routines . And she also includes links to demos of the individual exercises and offers ideas and suggestions for the cardio she assigns as well . I really like that I am able to fit some running and power walking into the whole mix . I am learning so many new exercises . And I am enjoying seeing myself make real progress in my strength and flexibility and range of motion , too . Today I noticed that my squats are getting deeper … not ' ass to the grass ' at this point , but definitely parallel to the ground which is big improvement for me . And I have started doing my exercises in front of the glass doors on the curio cabinet in our living room so that I can see my muscles moving and working as I lift and lower my dumbbells . I love the way my arms and shoulders are shaping up . And today at breakfast , I rested my hand on my thigh and noticed that there is real definition and bulk in my quads . Wahoooo ! I am coming out of the closet as a narcissist . I am so excited about all of this . And I have honestly come to love the harder exercises because I know they are the ones that are doing me the most good . I mean , I am even doing burpees when they aren 't even part of the routine , just because I can . Sunday afternoon I looked out and there was a young Mom , doing her workout on the lawn . She was doing burpees , and walkout pushups and some plyo lunges . There was a baby in a stroller nearby , and also a very little girl who was cheering her Momma on and doing her own little jumps and moves . It was so neat to see that and I was so happy for them … they were having a PLAYout together . When we lived on our sailboat , we often would go for evening runs and walks in the small town where our marina is located . About one third of the people that live there are over the age of 65 and the traffic is slow and there is never a worry about getting hit by a car … a bicyle , or a scooter ? Well , maybe . When we moved off the boat and into the city last Spring , that certainly changed . There is hardly a week goes by when we don 't hear about a pedestrian getting hit by a car or a truck or a bus . It is so common and sadly we hear reports a few times a month about these senseless fatalities . We live across a busy street from a very large park that is popular with runners and walkers . And there is a lot of foot traffic in front of our building . It starts in the early morning hours with people walking downtown to go to work . Then then the runners come out , and all day long there are people walking to and fro , and many people run past on their lunch hours . Then the workers return home , and after dinner , the runners take over again . There are a couple of running shoe stores here who sponsor weeknight runs and there are often many groups running past our window in the early evening hours after dinner . Now I had seen these lights reviewed on other blogs . And one of the women that I work with every week is a long distance runner and she wears them faithfully when running after dinner … even just at dusk , for visibility sake . I had to try them . The best part about them is that you can shine the light wherever you want so that you can light your path as you go , or shine the light in any direction to get a better look at something in the dark . By wearing Knuckle Lights you are not only more visible to others but you can use the light to help guide your way when there is limited visibility from darkness … . such a great idea . There is a button on the top of each light that is easily accessible by your thumb that allows you to turn the light on and off . With a simple click you can also cycle through 3 different power options , too . There is High Power for bright light , Low Power for a dimmer light , and Blinking Mode which gives you a flashing light . Would you like to have a pair of Knuckle Lights of your own ? The folks at Knuckle Lights have generously offered to give one pair to one of my readers . They will ship directly to you , so to enter this giveaway you must have a mailing address in Canada or the U . S . A . We ran the same 5 . 55 km that I ran solo last week and it felt quite a bit easier than when I was alone , keeping an eye on my HRM . But when I checked my watch , we had finished in a full minute and a half less . Obviously I have no real concept of perceived exertion or time , when it comes to running anyway . Did it feel easier because I had someone to talk to along the way , and wasn 't just thinking about my heart rate ? I would have thought that it would be harder , with using some of my breath for talking , not just running . And I did 10 / 1 run / walk breaks today , too , which you think would take longer than just running . When I got up at 7 : 15 and looked out the window the sky was blue , the sun was shining , and the ducks were already pecking at the grass across the street by the lake in the park . So , I quickly downed a cup of coffee , then a glass of water and changed into my workout gear . I did 7 minutes of hard core work on two yoga mats , and then made a very lovely and nutritious breakfast , based on the recommendations in the women 's body building book I have been reading . We arrived at the marina after an easy drive , and I asked The Captain what his game plan was for the day . He suggested that I go and get my run done , because he knew I needed to do it and saw no point in delaying it … he would get started with his work and I could join him when I was ready . I changed clothes , had a sip of water , and off I went … . I ran for 26 . 2 minutes remembering the events of the previous 24 hours … . and dedicated each minute : Waking up to rain on Monday morning and being happy that I could stay home to watch the Marathon on tv instead of heading to the marina to wash the boat . Being disappointed that I could not find a live internet or tv feed from the Marathon to Canada . Blog hopping and commiserating with a buddy who was injured and sidelined , who should have been at Boston but was not . Happy when The Captain found me a Roger 's Sportsnet tv feed that was 3 hours old . Excited and inspired by the first woman to cross the finish line . Wonderment that she stopped so suddenly and didn 't keep moving . Excited by the close men 's finish . Confusing at seeing a streaming news feed that there was an explosion at the finish line at the Boston Marathon . Unease as we changed channels to CNN to watch the breaking news that there had been two explosions . Watching in disbelief as the film footage of the explosions were replayed . Seeing 4 : 09 etched in my mind 's eye and my heart forever . Fear errupted within me when I realized that many of my blogging friends may be in the area . Sadness watching those filmed scenes replayed over and over on tv and seeing that elderly man falling down , over and over and over . Gratitude realizing that my blogger buddy who had not been able to go to Boston would be safe at home with her husband and sons . Wolfing down dinner in front of the tv glued to every new development . Happiness at seeing that elderly man who had been shown falling down interviewed , and learning he was all right … and impressed that this was his 45th marathon . Finding solace on Facebook when I realized that people I ' know ' were posting messages that they were all right and news of others being all right , too . Elation that all of my ' friends ' were safe and unharmed . Sadness , and grief that 3 people lost their lives and that over a hundred were maimed and injured . Disbelief at the chaos . Anger at the perpetrator . Wonderment and respect for all of the emergency personnel and first responders . Gratitude to the wonderful and generous citi …… HOPE … . I love how she organizes all of the information that we will need for the next 2 weeks , and sends it out so that we have a couple of days to look it over and get familiar with it all before we need to start working with it . There is plenty of time to research and ask her questions . I love Best Body Boot Camp . . . . did I say that yet ? I don 't have any illusions / delusions about becoming a body builder , or a fitness model , but I like to read about these things . I am intrigued by the workouts , the preparation , the food , and the mental aspects of it all . And let 's face it , looking at pictures of women 's beautiful muscles certainly inspires me to put more effort and time into my own workouts . So I used two tips from the book with my workout this morning . . . The first was to do the workout first thing in the morning , before breakfast . The author says that if you work out on an empty stomach you will burn 300 % more body fat this way . Apparently , when you don 't have any carbohydrates in your system , your body uses stored fat as fuel . And at this time of day growth hormones are at their highest levels . So , after I got up and made the bed , I had a cup of coffee , drank some water , changed into my workout gear and got moving . I drank a few more cups of water during my 60 second breaks , and although I was afraid I would be feeling lightheaded and hungry during the workout , it didn 't happen . I felt strong and mentally focused . Which leads me right to the second tip I used today . Mental focus . I made a point of concentrating on the muscle that I knew the exercise was intended to work . Tina does such a great job in providing demos of the exercises she prescribes , ( along with modifications ) so you know what muscles are involved and where you should feel the work . Before each exercise , I spent a few moments concentrating on the muscle I was going to work , then during the exercise I made sure to focus on that muscle , making sure it was creating the motion . For example , during hip abduction , I made sure it was my hip that was starting and sustaining the movement . And I made sure to hold it a split second at the peak of the movement . It made such a difference . . . this mindful action . I haven 't been running much lately . . . I have been faithfully doing my Best Body Boot Camp workouts , and getting in lots of power walking and other cardio , but just haven 't managed a run . We have had several rainy days over the past couple of weeks so that is my official excuse reason . I enjoyed a leisurely couple of hours working on my computer this morning , with half an ear to the tv , listening to all the golf wags go on and on about the penalty controversies that happened yesterday and again this morning at The Masters , while The Captain painted one of the walls in our living room a lovely sea blue . ( He had already painted a few walls in our suite that color several months ago and decided to do another . I wonder what the building managers will have to say about it next time they need to come in for something . ) And I opted for a fun run . . . . no predetermined route or time , no set pattern for run / walk breaks . I cannot remember the last time I did that . I need to do it more often because I really enjoyed it . It was breezy so I wore a wind breaker over a long sleeved tee , and I wore a new pair of capris that I had picked up at Costco a few weeks ago . . . they fit perfectly , I am happy to report , and are very comfy . When I was running through then neighborhood I didn 't really notice the wind , but when I took a turn toward the Strait I could feel it a bit more . And I certainly noticed the darkening sky . I even took my sunglasses off at one point to see how dark and grey it really was getting and what direction the storm was moving . When I got to the waterfront and started running over the crest of the hill I could feel the Westerly wind almost stop me in my tracks . . . . so I ran a few more blocks facing it and then veered off into the residential area again to avoid it . Finally a light rain started to fall . . . so I started to head toward home and a few minutes later got pelted by hail . And it hurt ! Thank goodness I was only a couple of minutes from home at that point , but even so , I was soaked by the time I got into our building . . . . I did wear my heart rate monitor today . When I run alone I really have no idea of my pace . . . whether it is too slow or waaaaay too slow , or possibly even just right . . . so wearing the heart rate monitor helps me with that . I meant to keep my run around the 80 % mark , for the most part . And I did . . . I did notice a few times that it was around 72 % to 75 % and even as high as 95 % , but it was mostly at 80 % - 84 % . A few times I tried to gauge how hard I was working and how fast I might be going . I never got out of breath so I know I was not working to capacity . This opportunity could not have come at a better time for me . I was looking for something new take the place of my noon - hour group exercises classes after my gym membership expired the third week in March . I knew it needed to be something organized and purposeful . For years now I have been doing strength workouts that I find online , and on DVDs , in a willy - nilly fashion , and as much as I enjoy them , I wanted a more defined program cause I want to see some real results ! Bootcamp began on Monday , April 1st . I participated in the Week 1 workouts with enthusiasm and gusto … and the commitment to completing them all kept me on track … . even on Friday … when I had such a busy day that I didn 't get to my workout till after 8 : 15 p . m . Any other time I would have just said ' forget it ' and spent the evening otherwise engaged and in a much more leisurely fashion . But I wanted to get it done . I wanted to be able to say that I did it . And I found out that I really like working out in the evening … now I cannot say I had the best sleep because of it , but the workout itself was thoroughly enjoyable , even if very difficult . After I finished it my arms and shoulders were shaky and I was elated and felt strong and satisfied . Yesterday , in anticipation of starting Week 2 today , I got out my weekly planner and pencilled in the workouts for this week and reviewed the exercises I would be doing today . I also decided on two goals for this week - the first is to continue with the 8 cups of water per day , and the other is to limit my evening snack to before 9 p . m . Sometimes a bit later than that I just want a little something , and I know it is likely not a good idea for me to eat that close to bedtime . Knowing that we were spending the day at the marina so The Captain would work on cleaning the boat , I got up an hour early and did my scheduled strength workout before breakfast … and then later while he swabbed the deck I got in a 60 minute power walk before lunch and then a 100 minute power walk after lunch . Yowzers ! My calves were very sore as I slowly strolled down the dock to the boat as I completed my second session , only to find he wasn 't ready for coffee break till I towelled off the just - washed cockpit seats . It felt sooooo good to finally sit down . Can my commitment and enthusiasm for this program last ? I have been known to be a bit fickle in my past so stay with me … I will keep you updated . The very easiest are these Eggplant Chips . I like to slice them just under 1 / 4 inch thick and then bake them . Spritz them with a bit of olive oil and salt before baking . They are really easy and very good ! The dark spots on the baked chips are where I sliced them a bit thin but they are still tasty , they just don 't LOOK as good . I know there is a pesto dip recipe there too , which I plan to try after my cilantro grows a bit more ! I make Sweet Potato Chips the same way . I don 't have a mandolin slicer , so I get The Captain to use his more - developed - than - mine patience muscle to slice through the thick sweet potatoes . The key is get thin and uniform - in - thickness slices . I find that about 1 / 8 inch is best . That way you still get a nice thick chip , but it is crispy and crunchy . And yes , I do leave the peel on them . If you can manage to leave them alone till they cool somewhat , they are even tastier . I just took a batch out of the oven and am writing this post to keep myself occupied while they cool ! Sometimes I have them with ketchup … Mmmmmm . Oh , I almost forgot one of my very favorites . . . Kale Chips ! And yes , I do eat them with ketchup . . . which I make and the recipe is on my food blog too . I make them quite often . . . usually just spritz the washed and dried kale leaves with a bit of olive oil and sprinkle them with salt and then bake for 15 minutes at 350F . Parmesan cheese sprinkled on them before baking is good if you eat it and I have heard that nooch ( nutritional yeast flakes ) is tasty but I haven 't tried that yet . About a year and half ago , I picked up a little microwave crisper for veggies , and did a post about it on my food blog We can begin to feed … It makes truly awesome veggie chips so if you have access to one of these inexpensive little devices , you can make your chips in a couple of minutes in the mike and completely fat free , if that appeals to you . It did come with a small mandolin that would be good for small veggies . I know that Kierston , who writes CaNdyFiT , also has a microwave crisper … a different one than I have , and everytime I walk by the display in the store , I think I should have one ! As a matter of fact , last year she did a review / giveaway about the time I first started reading her blog and it looks great . Have a look if you are wanting a device to make chips in your mike . I wonder if I will have time to do the required exercises in the bootcamp I joined , or to get in a 5k run before the 5th of every month for a virtual race series I took on … if I will be able to make it to the yoga class I love or finish that 5 mile walk before I have to to to work at noon … it makes my head spin . So , I sat down and made some notes to myself and also listed some ways that I could fit it all in and make it easier on myself and less stressful , too . After all , exercise and fitness activities are supposed to help relieve stress , not cause it . I have put all of my fitness devices on a single shelf in my closet … my heart rate monitors , Gymboss timer , stop watch , water bottle belts , swimming goggles , etc . etc . etc . It 's all there . And I make sure to put it away when I am finished using it . Now I never have to go hunting for things … . they are in that bin . PERIOD . Exercise DVDs are in a box on a shelf near the TV stand . I have one tall bureau in the bedroom that houses only my fitness clothing … capris , tanks , shorts , tees , calf sleeves , bathing suits , running skirts , and so on . Running socks are all in one other drawer . Fitness shoes are in 2 different closets , but close together on their respective shelves . And I also have a bin on the floor of my closet in which I fold and place fitness clothing that has been worn but is not ready for the laundry … when I need a yoga top or a pair of capris for a light workout I look there first . I may find a tee that I can get away with wearing for one more run … you get it . This way I never put worn clothing in my clean clothing drawers , but I am also not laundering items more often than necessary either … once something goes in the laundry hamper , that is it for me … it is the washing machine after that ! If I am going to handwash an item it never makes it to that laundry hamper . When I worked in a very busy corporate arena … data and finance , I travelled a lot and attended too many conferences and meetings every month . I lived by my Day Timer . If an activity wasn 't scheduled , it just didn 't happen . And that included social events with friends , and dates with The Captain , too . It was the only way I could deal with it all and not feel stressed and unorganized . I don 't miss those days at all , but I do realize that schedules and calendars can be very good tools when trying to fit in the various exercise and fitness activities that I would like , as well . I dealt with already - known items first . I wrote in the Weight Watchers meetings that I am already scheduled to work . Those are on Thursdays . I work two mid - day meetings back to back , and then another at dinner time . I also need to get my hair done very soon . And I really need a manicure and a pedicure as well . So I scheduled them and wrote them on the calendar . This month I am doing a Whole30 paleo challenge and this first week , a sugar detox , to kick it off . That requires food prep time . And I am taking part in an online bootcamp that has 5 days of activity each week . I also want to do a 5 km run before April 5th for the 5 by the 5th virtual event . And I want to swim with The Captain and spend some time cleaning the boat , too . Start with a calendar and pencil in the MUST do 's first … work , medical appointments , family activities . Then , schedule in the WANT to 's … personal care appointments , dates , parties . Get everyone on board … make sure everyone in the household is sharing information and no on is making commitments for each other without checking first . Kill 2 birds with one stone … so to speak ! Do two for ones when you can . For example , I know that some days when we go to the marina to do boat cleaning , there will be time that I will be idle , while The Captain is doing chores that don 't involve me . So I can go for a run or a nice long walk walk he is otherwise engaged . I also walk where I can to do errands like grocery shopping or returning library books . Keep your workout gear organized , and clean ! Don 't let the laundry pile up . I regularly hand wash my Handful sports bras and my compression socks so that I always have clean gear to use and wear . Put things away in their designated place so they will be there next time you need them . Replace worn out gear as soon as possible . Keep yourself motivated by signing up for activities with other people … even if they are virtual . The fact that you have to report in will keep you honest and involved . And wear good quality , appropriate ( and yes , cute ) clothes to work out . Your workout gear is an investment . You will want to wear it and you will want to take care of it . Have fun and keep moving ! I feel so much better when I am following the Whole30 program … it is a slippery slope for me once I start adding back non - approved foods and liquids . I am also going to Boot Camp ! That would be Tina Reale 's Best Body Bootcamp ! I won a place in the flash giveaway she did over the weekend and I am so very excited about it ! I have been looking for something to take the place of the structure of going to noon - hour group exercise classes and this fills that bill quite nicely . ENERGYbits are 100 % organic spirulina that not only deliver energy without any crash , they also provide 40 nutrients and a healthy dose of protein . I use ENERGYbits to fuel my workouts , my runs , and when eating is just not option . Use code EATRUNSAIL at ENERGYbits . com to get 20 % off your order !

When someone asked me recently how I came into the fold of Islam , I was taken aback and a bit surprised . For I have never thought of my coming into Islam as having one critical turning point . When did I first question Catholicism ? When did I first want to become a Muslim ? The answers to these questions and many others require more thought than I could have ever imagined . To really answer these questions I have to start at the very beginning so that you understand the point to where I got in my life that led me to finally accept the truth of Islam . I became a Muslim at the age of 67 , and I thank God that He has blessed me to become a believer in Islam . " Those whom Allah ( in His plan ) wills to guide , - He opens their breast to Islam ; those whom He wills to leave straying , - He makes their breast close and constricted , as if they had to climb up to the skies : thus does Allah ( heap ) the penalty on those who refuse to believe . " ( Qur ' an 6 : 125 ) I was raised in a strict Roman Catholic home , the middle daughter of three children . My father worked hard and long every day . He would leave early in the morning each day and would return late at night . All of this so that my mother could stay home and take care of my sisters and me . One very sad and unfortunate day my mother told us that my father had been in a car accident . He passed away suddenly and our whole world turned upside down . With all the changes that were taking place , my mother told us that she would now have to go back to work . My mother , who had once been a nurse , was now forced to work to support us . She found a job in the local hospital , many times working two shifts . But with this new found responsibility , my mother was no longer able to oversee our upbringing . And although she sent us to Catholic school , her job kept her from keeping a watchful eye on her daughters . So , with much time to pass and spend , I found myself spending time with my friends at the local cafes . It was there that I met a very nice Muslim man who later became my husband . My mother did not know that I was spending time with this man . In fact , when I told her that I was in love and wanted to get married , she warned that we were from different backgrounds and that we would eventually have problems . She stated that if there were ever children in our future , problems over religion would undoubtedly develop . At twenty years old , I could not imagine that we would have any problems in our marriage . I was so in love and felt so happy that someone would be taking care of me . My husband was not a very religious man at that time , and deep down I felt that I would be able to get him to convert to Catholicism . As for us not having the same ethnic background , I considered myself more open - minded and was excited to be embracing a new culture . Everything seemed to be going along so perfectly for the next several years . We were happy and not once did culture or religion ever cause us any problems . God blessed us with a beautiful son and then several years later with a beautiful daughter . Still , we went along with our lives and I even began taking my children to church with me . My husband never prevented me from attending weekly Sunday mass . However , after a few times of my taking our children to church , that is when he spoke to me about his not wanting the children to attend church . Frankly , I was angry and upset . " But why not , " I objected . " Any religion is better than none , " I argued . I really could not understand the harm in taking them to church . Up until this point , we had never even discussed religion . In fact , I had never even questioned that there could even be a different religion than Catholicism . I was born a Catholic and thought that Catholicism was the right religion . For explanations that I can 't even put a finger on , it seemed like from this day on , so many problems were now evident . We argued all the time - about everything and everyone . Now , little things became a big deal . Religion became an arguing point between us . The differences in our cultures became something to argue about . We argued about in - laws and most unfortunately , we argued on the upbringing of our children . Everything that my mother warned us about was now coming true . The only peace and harmony that was now between us was the wisdom , sincerity , concern and love my husband 's father , my father - in - law , had for our marriage . My father - in - law loved his son and grandchildren , yet also genuinely loved me as a daughter . He was a very religious and devout Muslim and was a very wise man . At that time , because I was not surrounded with Islam , my father - in law was the first introduction into Islam I had . He prayed every prayer , fasted during the month of Ramadan , and was very generous to the poor . I could feel his connection to God . In fact , my father - in - law was so kind to the needy that every day after coming home from the dhur prayer at the mosque , he would invite any needy person home to eat lunch with . This was every single day . Up until his death at the age of 95 , relatives remembered that he had continued with this habit . My father - in - law did not like the arguing between my husband and me and counseled us to find a solution before the children suffered as a result of our fighting . He tried desperately to help us find a solution . He warned his son to allow me room to practice my religion , but it was no longer about religion anymore . I felt frustrated and desired to take a break . When I asked my husband for a separation , he agreed that perhaps it was the best thing for our marriage . You know the saying , " Absence makes the heart grow fonder . " Well , not in our case . In fact , the absence made our hearts grow further apart . After the separation , we both wanted a permanent separation and agreed on a divorce . Although I desperately wanted my children to live with me , we both felt that it would be better for the children to be raised by their father . He was in a much better position , financially , to raise them and give them many comforts ; something I was not prepared to give . How I longed for them every night . I moved back with my mother and continued seeing my children every weekend . My ex - husband would drop off our children on Friday afternoons and pick them up early Sunday mornings . Although this arrangement hurt , it was better than nothing . Each night before going to bed , I would read from the Bible . When my children were visiting me , I would read them a passage regardless of whether my children understood or not . After reading a passage , one night I would seek help from Jesus , the next night from the angels , the next night from the different saints , the next night from the Virgin Mary . But one night we had no one else to ask , I had run out of Saints . So I said ' now we 're going to ask God ' . My son said ' Okay , now who is God ? ' I said ' He 's the one who created you , who created me . He is forever our neighbor ' . So he was pondering , he was thinking about those words . To my explanation , I rubbed my cross again . I said ' now thank God ' . He looked at the cross and said ' Mamma , who is this ? ' I said ' This is God . He 's the son of God ' . He said ' You just told me a minute ago that God is forever . How come this one is dead ? ' I never , never in my whole life realized that fact . He asked me where does this god come from ? And I said , he came from the womb of Mary , of the Virgin Mary . He said ' Oh , so he was born sometime before ' . I said ' well , yes ' . But then he said ' But you told me that he 's forever . He never dies and he 's never born . My son , who was now about eight , asked me directly , " Mama , why don 't you just ask God for help ? " I was surprised and stunned and remember feeling a bit shocked that he would question my religion . I told him that I also ask God . Little did I know that this son of mine would grow up to be a constant thorn in my side , always reminding me about the need to worship the One , True God . Thank God . I ended up remarrying a few years later and relocated to Australia with my new husband . My ex - husband moved his family to Saudi Arabia . I longed to see my children but eventually it was in Italy where I started a new family and became the mother to three more daughters . Still , every single night I would pray , " In the name of the Father , the Son , and the Holy Ghost . " The years passed quickly and busily . I was so excited one summer ; my son and daughter would be coming to visit me . So many things raced through my mind . Would they be happy to see me after such a long absence ? What would we talk about ? I prayed for help . All of my fears evaporated the first time I laid eyes on my children at the airport . There was an instant bond between mother and children and it was if little time had elapsed . My son was the more vocal of the two . He made sure to remind me that they do not eat pork , nor could they eat foods that contained alcohol . I told him that I remember that about his religion . I also told him that I also do not eat pork , nor drank alcohol , a habit that remained from the time I was married to his father . As for the wine , well , I would make sure to stop cooking with it while they were home with me . We had a beautiful summer , getting to know each other , them getting to know their new sisters , picnicking , going on outings , swimming . I did not want it to end . But I knew that they had their life back in Saudi Arabia and they needed to get back . I asked my daughter the dreaded question of how her step - mother treated her , and I honestly felt happy when she said she was treated like a daughter . My children visited me together two more times after that summer . When my son turned 21 , he came to live with me for 6 months . We would argue religion - boy , would we argue religion ! My son and I are somewhat similar in personality , but we do have our differences - and very obvious ones at that ! Whilst I 'm very hot tempered in disputes , my son is a lot cooler , so he tends to maintain a sense of calm while I 'm borderline crazy ! Despite this clash , I believe it works in our favor in that we can find balance within our discussion . We 're very much alike in that we are loving , generous and helpful people . What I admire most about my son is his dedication to almost everything he does . He is a sweet , gentle person , but has strong ethics and aims to achieve whatever he puts his mind to , which I respect a lot . I admire his ability to keep a level head in the most stressful of situations . He 's very logical and won 't dwell too long over a problem . He just attempts to find solutions and neutralize situations as much as possible . I continued to pray that my son would find it in his heart to convert to Catholicism . I so badly wished that he would become a priest - I felt he would make a fine preacher . He was a good boy , and God - fearing at that . Good qualification for the Priesthood . When I once told him that he would make a wonderful priest , my son smiled and replied that it would be more likely that his mother would become a Muslim rather than he become a Catholic priest . After 6 months , though , my son expressed desire to leave for the United States . He eventually settled in America and made a home in Miami , Florida . Meanwhile , I became a widow with one teenager daughter left in the house . My son really wanted for me to join him in America , so I left to the States with my 17 - year - old daughter . We very much liked it in America and my daughter quickly started to make a life for herself . Nothing had changed for my son and me - we continued talking about Catholicism and Islam and neither one of us would ' give up ' . Sometimes , when the subject of the Trinity came up and I could not find any answers or rebuttal to him , I would just put up my hand and walk away . I would get very angry for what I saw was his attacking my religion . " Why can 't you be like everyone else , " I asked . " Other Muslims accept me and do not try to convert me . " " I 'm not like everyone else , " he answered . " I love you . I am your son and I want you to go to Paradise . " I told him that I am going to Paradise - I am a good , honest woman , who doesn 't lie , steal , or cheat . " My son answered , " These things are necessary and helpful in this worldly life , however in the Qur ' an it is stated many times that Allah does not forgive Shirk ( Polytheism ) . The Qur ' an says that the ONLY sin that God will not forgive is associating partners with Him , but He forgives anything else to whom He wills . " He begged me to read and learn and discover Islam . Books were brought so that I might open my mind . I refused . Born a Catholic , I will die a Catholic . For the next 10 years , I remained living near my son , his wife , and family . I desired , though , to also spend some time with my daughter , who was still living in Saudi Arabia . It wasn 't easy to get a visa . My son joked that if I just accepted Islam , that would be the visa to enter Saudi Arabia ; for I would then be able to get an Umrah visa . I told him sternly that I wasn 't a Muslim . After much hard work and a few connections , I was given a visitor 's visa to visit my daughter , who was now the mother of three children . Before leaving , my son held me in a bear hug , and told me how much he loved me , how badly he wanted Paradise for me . He then went on to say how he had everything he had wanted in this life , except for a Mother who was not a Muslim . He told me that he prayed to God ( Allah ) every single day that He ( SWT ) would change my heart to accept Islam . I told him that that would never happen . I visited my daughter in Saudi Arabia and fell in love with the country , the weather , and the people . I didn 't want to leave after the 6 months so I requested an extension . I would hear the adhan ( call to prayer ) 5 times a day and would see the faithful ones close their shops and walk off to prayer . Although that was very touching , I continued reading from my Bible every morning and evening and would constantly say the rosary . Not once did my daughter or any other Muslim person ever speak to me about Islam or try to get me to convert . They respected me and allowed me to practice my religion . My son was coming to Saudi Arabia to visit me . I was so happy - I had missed him so . No sooner did he come was he again after me , talking religion and the Oneness of God . I was angry . I told him that I have been in Saudi Arabia for over one year and not once has anyone ever spoken about religion to me . And he , on his second night here , is so quick to begin the preaching . He apologized and again told me how much he wanted me to accept Islam . I again told him that I would never leave Christianity . He asked me about the Trinity and how could I believe in something that just did not make any logical sense . He reminded me that even I had questions about this . I told him that everything does not have to make sense - you just have to have faith . He seemed like he accepted this answer and I was happy that I finally won a discussion on religion . My son then told me to explain the miracle of Jesus to him . Aha , I thought ! I am finally getting somewhere . I explained the miracle birth of Jesus , the Virgin Mary , Jesus dying for our sins , God breathing His Spirit in him , Jesus as God , Jesus as the Son of God . He was quiet the entire time I was talking - no rebuttal - my son , quiet ? He then quietly asked , " Mamma , if Jesus died for our sins on a Friday , and then as you say , he was resurrected three days later on a Sunday , then who ruled the world for those three days ? Mamma , explain that to me ? " I thought about the logic to this question and at that moment , I knew that it did not make any sense . I said , " Jesus was the son of God . Jesus and God are one and the same . My son replied , " Cows have calves ; little cows . Cats have kittens ; little cats . Humans have children ; little humans . When God has a son , what is he ? A little God ? If so , then do you have two Gods ? " Then he asked , " Mama , can you ever become a God ? " What a ridiculous question I told him . Humans can never be a God . ( Now , I was really getting angry ) He then asked , " Was Jesus a human being ? " I replied , " Yes . " He then said " Therefore , he could never be God . " The claim that God became man is also an absurdity . It is not befitting of God to take on human characteristics because it means that the Creator has become His creation . However , the creation is a product of the creative act of the Creator . If the Creator became His creation , it would mean that the Creator created Himself , which is an obvious absurdity . To be created , He would first have to not exist , and , if He did not exist , how could He then create ? Furthermore , if He were created , it would mean that He had a beginning , which also contradicts His being eternal . By definition creation is in need of a creator . For created beings to exist they must have a creator to bring them into existence . God cannot need a creator because God is the Creator . Thus , there is an obvious contradiction in terms . The claim that God became His creation implies that He would need a creator , which is a ludicrous concept . It contradicts the fundamental concept of God being uncreated , needing no creator and being the Creator . Knowing I did not have an answer to him , I replied , " Let me think about the answer . " That evening , I thought long and hard about what my son said . The idea that Jesus as the son of God did not make sense to me anymore . I also could not accept the fact as Jesus and God being one in the same . Before going to sleep that night , my son told me to pray to God before going to sleep and ask Him alone to guide me to the right path . I promised my son that I would sincerely supplicate to God for the answer . I went to my room and read from the book my son had given me . Next , I opened the Holy Qur ' an and began to read . It was if something had been lifted from my heart . I felt different . I saw the truth in Islam . What had I been fighting against all these years ? That night I prayed to God alone - not to Jesus , not to Mary , not to the angels or saints or holy spirit . Just to God I cried and asked for guidance . I prayed that if Islam was the right choice to please change my heart and mind . I went to sleep and the next morning I woke up and announced to my son that I was ready to accept Islam . He was astonished . We both began to cry . My daughter and granddaughter were called out and watched as I submitted my Shahada ( the Muslim declaration of belief in the oneness of Allah and acceptance of Mohammed , ( Peace and blessing of Allah be upon the Prophet of Allah ) as God 's prophet ) in Arabic , Italian and in English . أشهد أن لا إله إلا َّ الله و أشهد أن محمد رسول الله " ASH - HADU ANLA ELAHA ILLA - ALLAH WA ASH - HADU ANNA MOHAMMADAN RASUL - ALLAH " . " Non c ' è altro Dio al di fuori di Dio , e Mohammed è il Messaggero di Dio . " " There is no God except Allah and Muhammad ( PBUH ) is His Messenger and Last Prophet . " The Shahadah is the Muslim declaration of belief in the oneness of Allah and acceptance of Mohammed , ( Peace and blessing of Allah be upon the Prophet of Allah ) as God 's prophet . I felt a changed woman . I was happy , as if someone had lifted a veil of darkness from my heart . Everyone who knew me couldn 't believe that I had converted . Sometimes I couldn 't even believe it ! But Islam felt so right , so peaceful , so serene ! After my son left back to the states , I learned how to recite Surah - al - Fatiha in Arabic and have since learned how to perform the prayers . I continued with life as before ; except now I am a Muslim . I always loved attending family gatherings with my daughter , and social events as well . I would attend family and friends weddings , henna parties , baby showers ( aqiqah ) and the gatherings when someone died . About 6 months after I had converted to Islam , I was at a funeral gathering that readily touched my heart and reinforced what a beautiful religion Islam is . A young boy had died from a sickness . As my daughter was getting ready to leave for the condolences , I asked her if she knew the family well . She answered that she did not . " Then why go ? " I asked . " Because the family is grieving , and it is my duty in Islam to go and perhaps offer any support that I can . " I decided to dress and go with her . I went along with my daughter to pay condolences to the boy 's family and was overwhelmed at the number of people in attendance . I was surprised and touched that so many people came to give the family support . All I could think of as I saw the family grieving was what a beautiful religion Islam was that so many people felt it their responsibility to give their support . And that one event , where Muslims were showing an outpour of sympathy is another moment that proved the beauty of Islam . I have been a Muslim for three years now , Alhamdullilah . Since that time , I have performed Umrah twice with my son and daughter . He then said , that the Prophet ( SAW ) told a person , " Paradise lies under the feet of mothers " . The meaning of the Hadith is that you should serve your mother and take good care of her . It is for sure by being at my feet that there was paradise for both of us . I also wonder if my daughter would have applied a little pressure on me , I might have become a Muslim sooner . But my son reminded me that Allah is the best of planners . And it is only He ( SWT ) that can give a person Hidaya ( Guidance ) . " Indeed it is not such that you can guide whomever you love , but Allah guides whomever He wills . " ( Qur ' an 28 : 56 ) . The best thing that Allah had honored me is by guiding me to the path of Islam and making me a Muslim , and InshAllah enter together with my son in Paradise . « AMEEN » Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

I figured I 'd do a monthly ' what I 'm listening to ' kind of thing . This could be viewed as a lame placeholder kind of post . And probably it is . But it 's my blog ! So there ! Emmylou Harris has a voice unlike no other . I don 't even think that is open to debate . Like it or hate it , she sings like no one else and it has been this way for what , 35 - 40 years ? Personally , I love her voice . Normally , I like Harris as a music interpreter as opposed to doing her own material , but now and again she shines in this aspect . With Hard Bargain , she succeeds and fails depending on the track . While it has gotten stellar reviews , I find it a bit uneven myself . I know I should like " Darlin ' Kate " , but it is just ok . Same with " My Name is Emmett Till " . But I find them to be just fair and I 'm left wanting more . I 'm all for Harris ' dog rescue program , but " Big Black Dog " just does not fit here . I am impressed that the disk is just Harris and two other musicians . I think that takes great talent to do this . I might have liked to hear Anna McGarrigale 's backing vocals , but Harris took those out and sang her own harmonies . Still , it sounds good . Actually , it was not . I 'm even delaying my weekend of friends post for My Music Monday . So if my friends don 't make the cut , I don 't see how some veterans are rising above that . No offense to them . Either group . As songs go , " Brothers in Arms " ranks up there in my top 20 favourite songs of all time . I think I can safely say this . Mark Knopfler 's guitar work , his songwriting and his actual singing come together perfectly . I was always a fan of Dire Straits , but I can say I wasn 't thrilled with the entire disk - where this was the title song . " Money For Nothing " was a bit too overplayed and a little forced for my liking . " Walk of Life " ? Nooooooo Thank You . The video for " Brothers in Arms " is just ok . It 's a little " Take on Me " - ish , which was the style at the time , but the song is stellar . It saved the album on its own merits . . . . and hey , it was good enough for Aaron Sorkin to use it effectively in The West Wing for President Bartlet 's re - election decision episode . Posted by We 've been in Columbus for the long weekend , hanging with my peeps . I flew directly there from my work week and Denton drove in to meet me . Rebecca and Dith were waiting for me in the airport . We never even made it out of there without having a beer . That is the way a weekend should work . I will write more about the weekend as it wraps up , but while we were down here , I needed to get my hairs cut . It had been six days ! ! SIX DAYS ! ! ! ! I was like frickin ' Pippi Longstocking . You know I normally buzz my head two to three times per week . Or did . But yesterday I went for it . I 've been so close anyways but I went for broke . . . . and I like it . While walking with the gang to a farmer 's market and across the street was a good old - time barber shop . I made a break for it , avec Denton , I mean , I needed someone to take pics as I opted to actually shave my head . Or have it shaved . I paid someone to " cut " my hair . I haven 't been in a barber since maybe 1998 . Probably 1997 . It was a weird experience to be in such an establishment , and to have to dole out cash for someone to do what I normally at no cost . There was slight disappointment . I went over the bumps on my head with the barber , which you 're all familiar with . No worries , he did not hurt me that way . And then I forgot to mention that I had a sunburn on my head . I realized that on like the their pass of the head with a razor . I was most bummed about no straight razor . I assumed that is the implement that would be used to make me a chrome ( r ) dome . Morty told me it probably wouldn 't be that they don 't seem to use them . Becky confirmed this . How they are the go - to source for barbers and razors is beyond me , but that is the beauty of them . True to their word , Mike , the doer of the deed , pulled out a frickin Bic , single blade , disposable razor . I user nicer razors to shave my shoulders ! ummmm . . . . forget you heard that last part . Mike slathered up my head with shaving cream and then putting steel to skin , like such . Unlike others have said , I don 't think I 'm showing you a beaver shot . And unlike my cousin commented , the carpets do not match the drapes . I 'm still native - down there . But in a matter of minutes , the task was complete - and unlike that snotty 2 year old before me , I didn 't get a lollipop . I did though immediately text David G , who has been smooth up there for years , and I got a two word reply : ' bout time ' . Nice . For what little hair I had to start atop , and what little was taken off , it felt completely different . The way the sun and wind felt , but mostly to the touch . Sure it all felt smooth , but there was a feeling to the skin I hadn 't experienced before and the best I can describe it is like taut playdough . I made everyone feel my head . I don 't think they were as enthralled as I was . Yes , you can easily see my bumps , my bumps , my lovely manly bumps . You probably always could , but not there is no cover for them at all . Then there is this shot . Because I 'm so manly . So now it is time for me to go do the shave myself . We 'll see how that goes . While out to lunch yesterday with the gang , I did stop in Aveda to buy some manly shave cream - if you can use ' Aveda ' and ' manly ' in the same sentence . Because I might be a butcher looking fag , but make no mistake about it , I 'm still a fag . I never really have a need for " product " , but now I do . Song by : Santana featuring Rob Thomas Yet another installment in the drudgery that is everyday shopping . The camera - phone makes it a bit more fun - though I get looks whenever I take pics of products . Like I care what people think ! Yes , I know you all stay up nights worrying about if I 've gotten to my destination or if I 've been cancelled or just delayed . I appreciate the thought . Don 't worry your pretty little heads . I don 't know why 12 of 12 doesn 't come on one of my busy busy travel days . I wouldn 't really have time to post , but I 've been taking iPhone pictures like a mad man the last few days . As mentioned , I am out west doing a tour with my new boss . It 's always iffy when you travel with someone new , let alone who is your boss , but so far so good . And the reality is , most of the time this will never happen again and I 'll be on my own , but we have spent a LOT of time together over the last few days . . . . a d he likes to drink , so there 's that ! Even day one : our flight from Boise was cancelled and we needed a way to get to Fresno . Only one option was open for us to fly out of ID , to get remotely where we needed - jet to San Francisco and drive three hours . Just what I wanted , considering I had already been in Cleveland , Detroit , Salt Lake City and Boise just that day alone . Even going to Fresno by flight had us doubling back through Denver . I was resigned to it , since it got me that much closer to Gold status . I 've said it before , it 's all about the miles . But since I 'm traveling all day today ( could not get a red - eye home ) , so I 'm out the door at 04 : 30 to catch a flight back to Ohio - with multiple legs ( yes , Gold , here I come ! ) . Feel free to click on the images to make them bigger and possibly better . Yes folks , it 's Patsy Stone , flight attendant . No Eddy or Saffie in sight . Though my friend Stuart thought it looked more like Barbara Eden . I can check Idaho off the list of states I 've never been to . I spent four hours at a client site and then a few extra trying to find a flight out of there . I never left the airport in Salt Lake City , but I 'm knocking Utah off that states list too . You can get a ruling on that if you 'd like , but I need any appeal to this ruling notarized by the commissioner for it to count . I love playing with the in - flight shit like the maps of where you are in your flight . En español . I do not believe the plane is to scale . It 's not an Airbus 360 . Per usual , I totally ignored the turning off electronics under 10 , 000 feet . No one died . I just took a bunch of decent pics from seat 7A of San Fran and the Bay Area . I don 't think anyone would argue that this is one of the better pictures I 've ever taken . . . . save for the cap that is askew . I might be smiling . I might not be . You can 't prove a fuckin ' thing . . . . and yes , I am wearing a beard net . But things were better when we made it to Monterey . A lovely city that Denton and I had visited back in 1994 ( ! ! ! ) and I honestly don 't remember much other than an encounter in a sports bar , ironically enough in the same hotel I stayed this time . But from the dirty 9th floor window , I still got one of the nicer views I 've had on a work trip . And for the nicest day - yesterday - using my App of the Month , Photosynth , I took a panoramic shot of the 18th hole at Pebble Beach , where I had lunch with my boss . I did take a 360 shot , but can 't figure out to pull it off the phone and / or app . Anyone ? Anyone ? I 'm talking about Brian Wilson from the San Francisco Giants ( that 's baseball , Jon ) . Mr . Wilson leads you to believe they are anything but 2010 World Champions . Currently , they are not . Granted Brian kind of looks like a younger Christopher Meloni ( the Oz one , not the SUV one ) , but with a fake beard . The only thing is , he 's not and it 's not fake . Score ! . . . . and he only looks good in the beard . A quick Gooooogle search of him without facial hair renders him quite mundane . Maybe I 'm just a bit smitten , but I love his delivery on his MLB site . Totally hot . Touching his virtual beard doesn 't do it for me . I don 't need to see badly acted woodland creatures living in that facial hair . It is just not funny or that creative . But I will watch the intro a few dozen more times . UPDATE : MLB took down the link - why ? I have no idea . But someone made a video of it - though it 's not as clear , it will have to do . My lord it 's been a wet year . I think last week the paper said it has been the wettest year in the last 110 . I am now not sure if that means comparing year - to - date , or that we 've already exceeded precipitation rates for the entire year . Neither would surprise me . Saturday was the first day in weeks I had an opportunity to cut the lawn - and even then , it was on the highest setting for the wheels because there was no way that the mower would get through it any other way . Even at that setting , it still had to go through the mud and the muck . And yes , it had to get through it . I would have called in a professional service to cut the lawn if it went on another day or two . And due to the inclement weather , we didn 't get to work on our hillside before it greened in . Normally we tackle about 25 ' of it , and think out the weed trees and such . After it 's greened in , you need pith helmets and machetes . I guess we 'll do it in Autumn . While we do the landscaping for us , it 's nice to get some positive feedback from the neighbors . Many have told us that they like what we 've done . As we were taking out a bush last weekend , one stopped by in her car saying that in the 30 years she 's lived here , the yard and corner have never looked this nice . Here 's just one more shot of the front , street view . There still need to be more done by the house , but not this year . We also have to replace a few azaleas that didn 't make it from last summer 's scorcher of a summer - before we put in the sprinkler system . But udder than that - it 's lookin ' good . Song by : Lori Carson Older Long time readers to my blog might remember my current header , which in switching from Blogger to WordPress and then to my own URL , I lost tons of pictures and comments and well , the header . This upset me greatly . I mean , not enough to do anything about it for the last two years , but it was in the back of my mind for a while . Since I still edit via Blogger , and was using their " classic " format , getting the header back was no easy task . I 'd stop and start several times over . . . . and then just give up . All the instructions out there , or most of them , are for a new version of Blogger , which would make it easy . But I was wary of updating to the new Blogger editor as there were warnings of losing content and all . You can see where losing stuff two or three times made me wary . But I took the plunge on Sunday , carefully backing up everything and doing previews before hitting ' save template ' . I 'm not thrilled with the actual template , as I really like the simplicity of mine . This is close . And closer than any of the other choices they had out there . I might look around for other templates , but don 't expect any immediate change . I 'm still too hesitant to do much more at this point . Other changes are to my blogroll . Most won 't see much , or anything , different . Some people have kept their blogs , but are now using WordPress . Some of changed their templates , most have not . On one , I finally got around to putting in the correct name of the blog . Their URLs have changed ( or some of them ) , but all you 're doing , if accessing from my site , is clicking the hyperlink anyways . So no loss of functionality for you . My friend Kris has seemingly given up on her blog . She 's a great writer and friend , but I know work and motherhood have put her blogging way down the list of things to do . I totally get that . The other loss is of Curtis . While rarely a frequent blogger or commenter , I always his enjoyed his blog and his comments to my blog , or his emails directly to me . He 's been deep into technical difficulties with his site for months and it is not looking like something he can resolve . Not easily , anyways . Now if ANYONE knows how to get all my images back that I lost about a year ago - and all the way back to the beginning of blog - time , hit me up . Some of those images I clearly have in a folder , but was hoping not to go and try to match them up to those 1500 posts that are now missing them . Anyone ? ? ? I think I would have eventually gotten around to the Carpenters , as their self - titled disk was the first full LP I ever purchased . Yes , I was a geek , and a gay one , even back in first grade . Nurture v Nature , my ass ! But even then I realized how cool and great Karen Carpenter 's voice was - and that her brother was somewhat of a repressed homo . Ok ok . . . . . . . gay " acting " . He might not be gay . There . I think I avoided that lawsuit . I also realized how cool it was for a girl to play the drums . Granted , I was in first grade , so I didn 't have a lot of experiences with bands , but I knew the Monkees , the Beatles and the Partridge Family did not have female drummers . Sure , Tracy Partridge was , at the time , the hardest working woman in rock , but . . . . . . . . . . Keep in mind , even when Karen died in 1982 - 83 , videos were just coming around . So finding one that was even remotely decent helped drive my song selection . I believe this one , " We 've Only Just Begun " , came from a totally forgotten show ( other than possibly by me ) , called Make Your Own Kind of Music . Oh oh oh , and I 'm very excited . A friend of mine , who was a director of an international film fest , has a copy of Todd Haynes , Superstar . For those who are unfamiliar with it , it was a movie acted out with Barbies and to the music of the Carpenters . Richard got a cease & desist order and it was never released . Of course , now we have to find a VHS player to view it . I had all their albums until they started singing about " Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft . " Personally , I blame Spielberg and Close Encounters for that bandwagon . Maybe having to sing that would have driven me to bulimia . Still , there is no denying she had a great voice . Posted by However , as work goes , things are changing . I am staying with my company , but changing roles . The job I have has morphed into something that did not play to my core competencies . I 'd say I was failing , but in reality , most of my peers are struggling as well . The difference is , while they were somewhat unhappy , I was fairly miserable . As luck would have it , I had a few opportunities internal to which I could make a move . I 'm partial to Operations and have done a great job at that - so I 'm going back to my skill set . And my new territory is out west . And I do mean West . We 're talking Mountain and Pacific time zones . But no , I 'm not moving . We 're not moving . That 's why there are jet planes and such . I don 't know my client base yet , save two . So my time away from home , percentage - wise , will be the same , and the plan is for me to be home more often , but when I 'm gone , it will be for longer periods of time . This plan was not made without consulting the better half . If it works , it works . If it doesn 't , it doesn 't . I know I couldn 't live being as unhappy in my work performance as I was . The sad thing is , the team I 'm leaving contains some of the greatest people I have ever worked with . I truly like all of them and we get along so great - which is amazing since we are all decentralized and we see each other only a few times per year . Maybe that 's why we like each other . I know a few people on the new team and I like them . One of them is my man - date , Scott , whom I reference here now and again . I 'll be spending a number of days in June with them , in Denver ! So , I don 't know how this will affect the blog . Can I still blog daily if I 'm traveling for longer periods and in different time zones ? The first test is this upcoming week . Even though I have not officially started my new position , timing is everything . I will be with my new boss visiting the two clients I know of - but I will be gone for an entire week starting tomorrow . I 'm excited , even though I don 't know how I will transition off my current clients . I don 't even know who to transition them to yet . Tick tick tick . And I 'm excited for the upcoming holiday weekend , but more on that as , or after , it happens . Song by : Cyndi Lauper So , the rest of us not in that 144k , have ascended to big puffy clouds in the sky and learning how to use our harps . And finally we have our those flying machines that have been promised to us for the last few decades . Granted those flying machines are now " wings " , not turbo jetpacks . Blast ! Anyways , there is a group ( or there are groups ) out there saying that today is the day . Judgment Day . Cue the evil music . duh - duh - duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . First off , I don 't believe it . Secondly , if it were to happen , there 's not much I can do about it . Thirdly , I 'm most likely not in the group left behind or going to the pearly gates . If Hell exists , I 'll be in the VIP section - with velvet ropes and a posse . But to be fair , I don 't believe in Hell . The only reason I want to believe in Heaven is because that is where good kitties go after they die and hop cloud to cloud . I can frolic with Kylie and Tovah . With these groups , logic is not a factor . It doesn 't matter that a dozen of these dates have come and gone without eternal salvation damnation . They live in their own world - well , kind of - and will come up with some reasoning that the liberal media is to blame for misinterpreting " the facts " . But we are judged , so be it . They might have a few surprises coming their way . Quite a few . Not the good kind . And if we be judged - and I 'm a gay man , we judge all the time , so I 'm used to it - it 's not the end of the world . Yes , five months of torture . Because that is what Jesus would do . Do yourself a favour and rent the movie , The Rapture with the first ex - Mrs . Tom Cruise , Mimi Rogers , and Special Agent Mulder . It was at least interesting while still being 100 % as fictitious as this load of crap that multi - evangelical groups are pushing . . . . . and if I 'm wrong with this , you 'll never know it because you 'll be dead or taken . Or like me : left behind . Take that , Kirk Cameron ! But as my gym routine went on and then work at home , I knew it wasn 't right . That pre - thought of pain would have passed by then . By noon I couldn 't swallow my own saliva without massive pain . And then I started to get an all to familiar pain creeping up into my ears . I 'd been there before - 15 years ago , but the pain was as familiar as if it happened just last week . Shortly after we moved back to Cleveland , I had a similar pain . I went to many a doctor who misdiagnosed me . Mind you , I worked at one of the best healthcare institutions in the world , and these schmucks couldn 't get it right - save one . That doctor didn 't even exam me before he figured out what was wrong - all by reading my chart . Shocking . He had it right with a problem with my Eustachian tubes . He gave me one more course of antibiotics and if those didn 't work , he would aspirate my eardrums . YIKES . But they worked . A year or so later , I had a similar issue and the eardrums self - aspirated on the landing in Key West . The pressure ruptured my eardrums and for most of the vacation I couldn 't hear much of anything . It was problematic to ride around on scooters and I spent more than one day at the doctor 's office there . Yesterday , I didn 't fool around . As soon as I recognized the pain , I went to a retail clinic . So much cheaper than an urgent care or a doctor 's office . But there are trade - offs . It is walk - in only and there is only so much they can do . I figured sinus / ear / throat infection would be one of those things . Now I work in healthcare so I don 't tolerate fools gladly when it comes to this . The Nurse Practitioner was ok , but that 's it . She was convinced it was Strep . I knew it wouldn 't be - and it wasn 't . After that she didn 't know what to think , even though I told her my history . The electronic medical record didn 't give her decision criteria for Eustachian tubes . How about your umpteen years of education , honey ? She reluctantly gave me a script for an antibiotic , which I promised not to fill for a few days to see how things progressed . She gave me treatment options for a saline rinse with a neti pot like device . But I fly on Monday morning and there is no way I 'm going to blow out my eardrums again - let alone sob like a baby upon decent . If things don 't feel better by tomorrow evening - or at least on their way - that script is going to the pharmacy . I don 't see I have a choice . Song by : Brandon Flowers If you 're gay , male and single , you live on the west side in Lakewood . If you 're gay , male and part of a couple you live on the east side in Cleveland Heights . Those are the laws . Our neighbors love us . The collective us . Or at least they pretend to . When the one lesbian couple who moved in ( and then moved out 10 months later - it 's a long story ) , one of our cutest straight neighbors asked one of the other gay couples : " are you guys taking over ? " . Buddy , we have . Marty gets called Blobby . Blobby gets called Bill . Denton gets called Blobby . I 'm not sure what Bill , Dave , Ken , or Ron get called . Now we have Tom and Sal . We met Sal the day the last ( known ) car came into our yard , when we went out to inspect the property in daylight . It took us a few more weeks to meet Tom . Last Saturday , to be specific . They had an open house and invited us . Dith was here , but she opted not to go . It was dark and windy night , but I felt we had to being that we 'd already met Sal and I do run the email group - and we are gay . Plus , I really wanted to see the house . It was not enough to entice Dith to go out in the rain . Tom and Sal did what I would have loved to do . Buy the house and renovate it before moving in . Pure genius . Also , pure piles of cash . New roof , all new bathrooms , floors all redone on the 2nd and 3rd floors . How great ! We weren 't flush enough with cash to carry two mortgages and do renovations when we moved in here almost six years ago . And we didn 't know what we needed or wanted to do with the place . We still don 't . I mean , we have ideas , but . . . . . . . . . . . . Our closest gay couple / friends were there too - Bill and Blobby Marty . We took the house tour together . Now Bill and Marty have a gorgeous house , but even they were impressed by some of the handiwork . For Denton and myself - I think we silently came to the realization that we can never have anyone over again . We don 't have this gay gene - this decoration and planning thing going on . Our house has great bones , but we don 't have " stuff " to put in it . We 're not " stuff " collectors . Few knickknacks and certainly no curio cabinets to put things in . The window in the title image is from their house . I think it 's original and I loved it . We need something like that . Clearly it won 't be original to our house , but it 's a nice element . But we do have plans for the house . The last few years have been outside projects , mostly landscaping stuff . This year we are looking at a few interior things and I am determined to get off the dime and make them happen . We have done nothing internal for 4 - 5 years . It 's time . And yes , we will have Tom and Sal over . I like them . As you 'd imagine , as the " party " wound down , it was the three gay couples sitting around chatting and laughing . They 'll make a fine addition to our conquest of the neighborhood . It started with me getting to the airport around 06 : 00 . Not bad . Behind me in the security line was a friend of mine , John . We had worked together many a - year ago . I 'm working on my Gold elite status , but I 'm not there yet . John actually travels more than I do and probably has Platinum . Anyhoo . . . he asked me to join him in the President 's Club . I sheepishly had to say I could not get in due to my lowly Silver status . Oh the shame . He had enough clout to get me in the door and we sat and chatted . He had coffee and such , but since I don 't drink it , I was only there to catch up with him . It was nice . I left and went to my gate . As it was , my flight was landing with not much buffer time to get me to my meeting in a timely manner . Before you all scoff , there were no earlier flights and I wasn 't giving up my Sunday to fly up there anyways . Vague excuses of weather or air traffic clogging were given - depending on who was giving up the lame reason of the hour . The 30 minute delay turned to 90 minutes . Unfortunately , that last 60 was after we were on the runway - no way get off the plane . I was ready to grab two beers and deploy the shoot for escape . Mentally , I made the best of it and emailed ( ooh , I know , my electronic devices were on ! ) some attendees that I would be about 30 minutes late . That 30 minutes would turn into 120 after I landed , finally got my rental and then promptly got stuck on 476 - N in what was a parking lot . I went 4 miles in an hour . And if you have never been on Pennsylvania 's turnpike , there is a six foot wall between directions , there is no crossing over and going back . I love that the client was nice about it all . I missed two hours of the three hour meeting . I at least broke the ice when I came in and said , " ok , let 's start from the beginning . . . . . " . Then I just turned around and went back to my hotel near Philly . King of Prussia , actually . There was not a hotel to be had 20 miles from downtown . No idea what was going on , but some big convention , I guess . Or huge bed bug break out . Either or . So with what little I accomplished business - wise , I got to spend a few hours and have a drink ( yes , only one ! ) and meal . We had a bunch of laughs and some good stories . Most work travel stuff has you eating alone and being alone . It is nice to have brief respite from air - car - hotel life . Song by : the Court Yard Hounds In general I don 't download a lot of apps for the iPhone and many of them that I do have , I don 't actually use . Not that this will stop me from finding 12 apps per year that might seem interesting - and even if they 're duds , so what ? You 'll know not to get them . I suppose a big caveat is that most , if not all , of them will be free . I 'm pretty much a cheap - ass . On the off chance that there is one I put a crowbar in my wallet for , I 'm assuming it will be a kick - ass one , or a game for longer plane rides . Yes , it 's a Microsoft program in an Apple world . CRAZY ! What it does is let you hold your phone / camera and it will take multiple photos to create a panoramic image . This was my first attempt . Panera at lunch time with Meredity and Denton . Don 't ask me what went wrong , but Denton has seemed to dodge that BlobbysBlog bullet of infamy . Him and his disembodied head . However , I thought it looked cool as hell , so I didn 't try to retake the pic . Click on it to make it larger . Yes , that 's what she said . Of course you get my finger in the way of Ditto 's head , but you get like an extra half of her as well , since she was caught almost two times . The program allows it to learn where the first pic ended so when you move the device , it pics up where it left off . I don 't think the issues in the picture above generated from the app , but from the user . Me . I 'll play around with it . Who knows , maybe my next 12 of 12 will all be taken this way . It 'll be a niche month . We 'll see . While they haven 't tried to mainstream too much , there are signs of it and who can blame them ? You want the attention , success and cash that comes with your career , right ? But it 's the less common stuff that I like . Let 's take my selection today : " Mari Mac " . A fast song that goes faster as it goes along . . . . . to an über - frantic pace . Perfect for when you 're drunk drinking . If you can 't actually sing along , you think you can . . . . . . . and that 's really half the battle , isn 't it ? It is all of two and one - half minutes in length , but for most of you , it will feel like it goes on much much longer . Deal with it . The video is kind of creepy , but when are marionettes not creepy ? The guy who takes the lead on this song ( who normally isn 't the lead singer ) is key - ute , so maybe that will hold your attention . But a funny , unrelated story on the marionette thing . I ran a program for new students entering college , a life time ago , and one kid got a note from his camp saying he couldn 't attend since he was attending , yes , Marionette Camp . The logo and tagline ? " Let 's Give Puppets a Hand " . I still have the letter somewhere , along with my one from Collis B . Toomer . . . . but that 's for another post at another time . Enjoy the song . But maybe have 3 - 4 beers first . You 'll see what I mean . To be safe , we had a chick with us . Dith came up to visit us for the day ! ! ! Yay ! ! ! ! ! So we could go to a women 's movie and still not be too queer . As it turns out , there were about a dozen other men in the theater . It is not quite as raunchy as I thought it might . That is not bad or good . It just is . It has it 's crude moments ( and you know I 'm a fan of that ) when it comes to some poop and puke jokes . Morty and Torn would be fine with that . More than fine . Don 't get me wrong , that scene was hilarious . Everyone in the place was in hysterics . The good thing , it 's not all about wedding planning - a trap they could have easily fallen into and would have sucked like all the rest of those movies . The combo in the group works well , and while Wiig is great , the best bridesmaid is clearly Sookie who was in the Gilmore Girls . She totally made the movie . Becky will be happy to know this now that she just started watching the Gilmore Girls - 3 years after it went off the air . Timely . The chick from Reno 9 - 1 - 1 was horribly under - utilized in my opinion . The movie had good sight gags as well as funny jokes . And Jon Hamm , for what little he 's in it , is funny including a scene where Wiig turns down an offer of performing oral sex on him - like anyone is denying him that ! I can only suspend my disbelief so much ! Poor Jill Clayburgh makes her final movie appearance . Not poor because she 's bad , just that it mostly likely filmed shortly before her death . . . and she didn 't look all that healthy . A sad reminder . Any movie who starts off and ends with Blondie 's " Rip Her to Shreds " can 't ever be bad , right ? We had a good time and good laughs . Ditto and Denton enjoyed it too , I think . There were not any really good previews . Maybe one . . . . . starring Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds . Not good enough for me to remember a title or anything , but it 's like the male version of Freaky Friday . I don 't know it will make the movie cut . . . . . . time will tell . Last night was my first Indians game of the season . Right on time , actually . While a great reason to post , I also rarely would pass up an opportunity to post a pic of my would - be { please , believe me Santa , please } second husband , Travis Hafner . It is sad , but until mid - May , the weather here is iffy . And by " iffy " , I mean too cold to sit through an evening game without bundling up , which is not what baseball is about ( to me ) unless it 's the home opener or post - season play . I 've been to games where they 've run out of coffee and hot chocolate by the third inning , it 's that cold . We had great tickets and it was a great night . I haven 't seen a crowd like this at an Tribe game since 1998 . 8000 tickets were sold by people walking up to the box office before the game . Last year we started in last place and save two or three days of the entire season stayed there . This is not the case this year . We are number one . And save a few days right at the beginning of the season , we have been number one . It 's a nice feeling to have . As percentages go , for either National or American leagues , we have the second highest . We 'd have the best if it were not for our two losses to Tampa earlier this week . Painful losses at that . Yesterday could have been more of the same . We were up by two , then down by two . And still down by two as we went into the bottom of the ninth . It sounds oh so very cliche , doesn 't it ? But then we were down only by one . . . . . and then Mr . Hafner came to the plate . . . . . much like Mighty Casey . And I think we all know how that turned out - right ? Well this story had a different ending . The Pronk had been having a bad night of strike - outs and hitting the ball right to the first baseman . He did get on base once . But he 's been having problems all year with injuries . The last two or three years , actually . But I love that we have retained him . Indians had one person on and Travis hit it over and out of center field . I think my hands still sting from all the clapping during the 9th . It was GREAT . There is a hot dog derby around the 5th inning where Ketchup , Mustard and Onion race around the field . Denton so nicely pointed out to me that Ketchup has my glasses . The man had better be careful - the guy I 'd divorce him for was sitting a few hundred feet away from me in the dugout . Song by : the Killers 12 pictures taken on the 12th of the month . Since I only post once per day , you get my images the following day . All pictures taken with my iPhone . Click images to enlarge , if you choose . A glitch in Blogger wouldn 't let ( or anyone else ) post yesterday , so I 'm late - sorry . 05 : 30 . Shuttle from Cleveland Hopkins Airport to the car rental terminal . I was renting a car for a day of driving . I was the only one on the shuttle . 06 : 45 . Self - Portrait # 1 , 349 . 08 : 00 . To be honest , except for the sign , no one else in PA welcomed me . Bastards ! 08 : 45 . Nothing says ' approaching mining country ' like a convoy for trucks , vans and rescue vehicles with this logo on the side . How sad . 09 : 10 . West Virginia no more welcoming than Pennsylvania . 12 : 30 . West Virginia University Hospitals landing pad for critical care transport - the non - fixed wing kind 18 : 10 . We are not so gay that we have our undershirts dry cleaned . Clearly one ended up on the dry cleaning bag and fuck if they didn 't clean it - and charge us $ 3 . 50 for the honor . Can you believe that shit ? I am , by no means , thinking this is going to work . There is just no easy way to slide in a Hitler reference . It 's even more difficult to do it with Charlie Chaplin . Who knew ? Before Denton and I went to the movie , which I referenced yesterday , our friends , David & James invited us over to watch the Kentucky Derby . { sigh } I don 't care all that much about the Derby . It 's hours of prep and excitement for something that 's over in a minute and whoever finishes first wins . In my book , that 's called : sex . As they escorted all the horsies out the gate , I took notice of their names and deemed that I would root for Pants on Fire . Mucho Macho Man seemed too gay for me . Yes - me ! But when David did ask if we would come over , I queried if we had to wear a hat . His response was ' no ' . BUT - the second the receiver went cold , I had a scathingly brilliant idea . . . . . as I am apt to do . I got home , did a quick Gooooooogle search and then sent the image to the printer . The poor man just busted a gut laughing with at me . . . . and yes , I wore it through the entire race and until we went back out to the car to head to the movie . The plan was to wear it for the car ride to the movie and do the royal wave along the way , but the interior roof of the car kept getting in the way . I have no idea how Princess . . . . um . . . . what 's her name ( the dour f ' ugly one ) stood her ride to and fro the royal wedding .

Today 's character interview features Haidin Bayliss , Hilton 's former hook - up buddy . The night before Only May in Paris Will Tell began , Hilton went to Haidin 's hotel room to celebrate him winning the Indy tennis tournament . When she knocked on the door , it was answered by Haidin 's ex , Aubrey Gage . This interview takes place a couple weeks after the start of the book . Game Set Match magazine ( and therefore , the world in general ) does not yet know Haidin and Aubrey are hooking up again , or even in contact with each other . Don 't worry … no major spoilers ! ! 🙂 In what will possibly be Game Set Match 's most exclusive interview of the summer , we snagged a few minutes of the most elusive player on tour 's time . That 's right , you guessed it , tennis bad - boy - turned - mystery - man Haidin Bayliss has decided to grace us with his presence . If it 's anything like his ESPN2 interview a few hours ago , all we can say is lucky us … Deidre Fox : Haidin , you 're having a hot year , but you couldn 't win a title . Finally you did , a few weeks ago in Indianapolis . How did that feel ? HB : I told ESPN already . I was kidnapped . I beat off my captors with tennis racquets and still made it in time for the birth of my bastard child . Did you miss that interview ? DF : No , I sure didn 't . Just thought you might have some additional details to add . Like if one of those " friends " you mentioned a minute ago happened to be the mother of your bastard child . DF : I have a feeling that just won 't be the case . Haidin Bayliss has a quiet fall and winter , barely makes the headlines ? No way . HB : Like Hilton and I have always said , we don 't talk every day . We 're not a couple . We never have been . But before you ask , yes , we 're still friends . Everything 's fine . Hey guys ! It 's Hilton from Daisy Jordan 's new book , Only May in Paris Will Tell , which is officially released and can be ordered here ! And since you get free shipping w / a $ 25 book order , you might as well pick up another Daisy Jordan book or 2 while you 're at it . Anyway , I am soooo excited for this book . It takes place over 10 months , and you will read all about my love life , my move to LA , whether my ex - boyfriend Luke and I manage to stay friends , whether my ex - hookup - buddy Haidin and I manage to stay friends after I found him in his hotel room w / his ex - girlfriend Aubrey at the end of Living in a Postcard ( SO weird to think about still … ) , what my best friends Jill and Todd are up to in LA , whether anything else ever happens w / the guy I love , Tanner , after that kiss we had in Indy , what my tennis - player friends Nate , Noah , and Damian are up to , and so much more ! And don 't worry if you haven 't read previous books about me - this one does stand alone , so you can read it without having read any of the others ! HJ : For my book launch next May in Paris ! I 'm publishing my first photography book . And also definitely to see how my love life progresses . HJ : I can 't say much more right now . Just that there 's a potential prospect … at least I think there might be . And I can 't wait to see what 'll happen . HJ : Well , I 'm moving to LA , which I 'm thrilled about , but my best friend Luke will still be living in Indy , and I 'll miss him like crazy . We 've been living together for basically six and a half years . So I 'm bummed about being so far from him . DF : Okayyyy . Let 's look farther down the road . Who do you see being at the center of the most jaw - dropping story of 2009 ? HJ : I think he is . I think you 're going to see him come out firing and have a strong summer . He 'll be ready to defend his US Open title . DF : I have no doubt . Okay , Hilton , final question for today . Who 's your favorite new character in Only May in Paris Will Tell , and who 's your least favorite new character ? HJ : My favorite is definitely Leks Drovic . She 's awesome … and unexpected , in many ways . And my least favorite … Whitney Gray . Whitney brings heartbreak and alters lives in a way readers will never see coming . It 's devastating . DF : Okay , well we 'll cross our fingers it 's not you who 's devastated , Hilton ! But we at GSM have to admit , we can 't wait to see what you 're talking about ! GSM My latest book , Only May in Paris Will Tell , is available to pre - order ! I will have copies in just a couple of weeks , and I would love to mail a book to any readers who want one hot off the press ! 🙂 The retail price is $ 22 . 99 , but for anyone who pre - orders , I will sell it for $ 15 plus $ 2 shipping , so $ 17 total ! To pre - order , just send an email to daisyjordan06 @ hotmail . com or message me on Facebook or Twitter ! The emotional wreckage of a failed proposal . A broken ankle . A wild bachelorette party at a gay bar . A jaw - dropping exposé on one of the world 's top tennis players . That was May in Paris in 2009 , when the tennis tour landed in the city for its annual French Open fortnight . Hilton Joliet , a photographer for the magazine Game Set Match and a friend of several players on tour , was at the center of it all . And in the two months since Paris , life has continued to serve up surprises . A month ago in Vero Beach , Florida , Hilton told her best friend on tour Tanner Bruin she 's in love with him . Five nights ago in Indianapolis , they kissed , but Tanner still doesn 't know how he feels about her . Last night , Hilton knocked on the Indy hotel door of another friend on tour , her former hookup buddy Haidin Bayliss , to celebrate his latest tennis win . The door was opened by Haidin 's lingerie - clad ex - girlfriend and self - described Hilton enemy , bitchy , outrageous A - list actress Aubrey Gage . This morning , Hilton is 600 miles away in Kansas , driving across the country with her ex - boyfriend and still - best - friend Luke Windler , from whom she fears her life will soon go down a very different road . In my last couple posts , I 've shared some pictures from Brussels and Denver , 2 of the major locations in A Stranger Thing . The final major location I 'll be posting some of my own photos from is Chicago , where Kylar , Jansen , Thaler , Xavier , Drew , and Brooke live ! I grew up about 3 hours from Chicago , and one of my best friends lives there now , so I visit pretty often . It is a beautiful city and LOTS of fun ! ! 🙂 Ok guys , I really am going to start updating my blog WAY more often . 🙂 Last time , I featured some pictures I took in Brussels , where my character Kella lives and where a few pretty important scenes in A Stranger Thing take place , including the awesome cliffhanger ! 😉 Today , I am showcasing Denver , where Lorylyn , Zibby , Taylor , Crissy , Winthrop , and Brady live , and where I used to live as well ! I love this city so much . My brother Josh and me at the summit of Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park … it tops out at just over 12 , 000 feet and is the highest stretch of paved highway in the country ! This is where Zibby and DJ go for a weekend shortly after moving to Denver , while Lorylyn is in Florida for Jill 's wedding . Another fun fact … for every 1000 feet of altitude gained , the temperature drops as much as every 600 miles driven north … so going up this road from where it starts at 7500 feet to here , just over 12 , 000 , is like driving to the arctic circle in an hour 🙂 In anticipation of the release of A Stranger Thing , which is just a FEW DAYS AWAY = D now , check out the prologue below ! I have a good feeling you might be hooked afterward … 😉 And if so , good news , you can still pre - order for $ 15 ( cover price is $ 23 . 99 ) ! ! Just email me at daisy @ daisyjordan . com to do so ! Free shipping too , at least in the continental US ! Prologue below … 🙂 Lorylyn 's heart pounded the whole time the plane was taxiing . When it stopped at the gate , she pulled her carry - on and purse out from under the seat and held them in her lap , then tapped her foot anxiously . She was so glad she was in the second row . She was afraid she was going to pass out or throw up if she didn 't get off of here soon . She needed the rush of cold air that usually greeted her in the jetway . She needed to freaking move ! Once she was in the jetway she shoved past the man and walked quickly . Then , as she neared the terminal , she slowed . She might see who it was in a matter of seconds . She still felt like she was going to pass out . Slightly disappointed yet more so relieved , she let out a huge breath . The person must be waiting for her at baggage claim . It would 've been hard to get to the gate anyway … it would 've meant buying a ticket . And that seemed way overboard . On Saturday , two days ago , she 'd been in her room at her parents ' house in Indiana getting ready to go through all her mail . She hated doing it because it always piled up ; she still listed her parents ' house as her permanent address on everything and got a ton of junk mail there . Just as she 'd been picking up the first envelope , her mom had leaned into her room and said , " One more . " She 'd tossed another envelope onto Lorylyn 's bed , and Lorylyn had put the first one back down and grabbed this one instead . She opened it and pulled out the contents , then frowned when she looked at them . There was one piece of paper folded in thirds and something else that looked like a plane ticket . It was probably a fake plane ticket , like saying , if you get our credit card and charge so much on it , we 'll offer you free miles , and you 'll get a free plane ticket . But when she peered a little closer at it , she realized it didn 't look fake . And when she looked even closer , she was stunned . From everything she could tell , it was a valid ticket . Continental Flight 2064 , from Indianapolis to New York LaGuardia , business class , for May 11 , 2009 . Two days away . Seat 2A . Departing at 1 : 55 p . m . and arriving at 4 : 09 p . m . What the hell ? ! Lorylyn laughed incredulously and a little excitedly as the thought crossed her mind that Jansen might have done this . It might be something like that Fourth of July when she 'd sent those invites for the party on the Vineyard without even telling anyone about it . Lorylyn wondered what was going on this time ! She remembered the paper and grabbed for it to unfold it . The note was typed , and that was all it said . There was nothing else on the page . " What ? " Lorylyn asked in confusion . She grabbed the envelope again and looked more closely at it . Her name and address were typed too , and the postmark was from New York , NY . But no … surely not . She 'd only talked to him twice on AIM since the cruise , and they 'd written on each other 's Facebook Walls once . She hadn 't gotten any kind of impression he even planned on ever seeing her again . So was it Jason ? As much as she wanted it to be , her brain told her there was no way . It was something he would do , yeah , but she really didn 't think he would do it for her . Why would he need to see her right now ? Jansen was there . Wait ! Unless Jansen had told him about how she was going to be with Thaler when she moved to Chicago in August … and Jason was really upset … and so he wanted to see Lorylyn . Or maybe he 'd wanted to see her all this time , but hadn 't thought he should because of Jansen , but now that he 'd heard about Thaler … Stop it , Lorylyn ! she screamed silently at herself . There 's no way it 's Jason ! And if so it 's nothing like what you 're thinking … at least not that he 's secretly in love with you ! It could be him if it was something like the Vineyard party though , she supposed . Maybe it was just some event in the city he thought she would like . Maybe he and Jansen had done this together . But it didn 't explain the " I need to talk to you " part . Another thought occurred to her and she grabbed her laptop . She could check to see if this was even a real flight . She quickly went to Continental 's website and searched for flights from Indy to New York for May 11 . She inhaled sharply when she saw the second result . Flight 2064 … departing at 1 : 55 and arriving at 4 : 09 . Then she had another idea , and she grabbed the ticket . There . Her confirmation number . She went back to the main page and under Change or View Reservations , she typed it in , along with her last name . She waited breathlessly while the next page loaded . She fully expected it to come up saying Error ! No Itinerary Found ! or something of the sort . She inhaled sharply again when it displayed her reservation . Lorylyn Porter , 5 / 11 / 09 , Flight 2064 , IND - LGA , Seat 2A . " Holy shit , " she whispered . " Oh , hey ! " Sinead was Jason 's roommate in New York . Jansen was staying at their apartment while she was in the city for the summer . " Oh ! " Duh ! Lorylyn had been so wrapped up in the plane ticket mystery she 'd completely forgotten today was Hersh 's wedding . Her friend Kylar was there for it too … staying with Sinead , Jason , and Jansen . Kylar had hooked up with Hersh all through college , most recently on the cruise a bunch of them had gone on together in March , which had been dubbed Hersh 's unofficial bachelor party . Kylar had debated long and hard over whether to go to his wedding , and finally she 'd decided to , as a way to say goodbye to him . " Well … um … you don 't know anything about either of them , like , sending me a plane ticket to New York , do you ? " " No , I don 't know . I got one from somebody . Don 't mention it to them though . " Lorylyn didn 't know why , but she didn 't want them to know . She 'd been planning on pretending she 'd just called to talk and then asking Jansen random questions to fish for the answer , such as what she and Jason were doing this coming week . " Bye . " Lorylyn hung up , her heart racing again . So it could be Jason , or both him and Jansen together … it sounded like they were going to be in the city next week … Then she had another crazy idea , and her heart pounded against her chest . Her hands shook a little as she typed in the first few letters of the address and waited for Firefox to come up with the past places she 'd visited . She clicked on the URL for the Rockies ' 2009 schedule . When the page loaded she quickly scanned the May calendar . She fell back against her pillows , staring at her computer screen and then at the plane ticket . Was it Brady ? ! But he always handwrote his notes … and wait , no , it couldn 't be him . Because the postmark had come from New York . And he wouldn 't be there already … his first game there wasn 't for three days . She let out a huge breath that was a mix of relief and disappointment . The possibility of it being him had left her stunned … and now that possibility had been yanked away already . Unless … she leaned forward to peer at the Rockies ' schedule again . Thursday , May 7 through Saturday , May 9 … " @ NY Yankees . " " Oh my gosh , " Lorylyn breathed . So he would 've been in New York since at least Wednesday … plenty of time for him to mail this from there . No way . Brady ? Her first love , the guy she 'd thought for years was The One ? With whom she 'd had a blowout fight last October and only recently gotten back on speaking … or more like texting … terms ? She still didn 't know why , if it were Brady , he 'd be so secretive . He 'd never been like that before . He always included a handwritten note with anything he sent her and signed it . Would he have not done that this time hoping she wouldn 't know who it was , because he thought if she did know she wouldn 't come ? No , that didn 't really make sense . She picked up the note again and reread it . The wording sounded like something Brady would write . It sounded less like Jason or Jordy … but with Jason , you never knew what he and Jansen might be up to . And it kind of sounded like Jason by himself … depending on the situation . She just had no idea what this situation was , so how was she supposed to know if it was something Jason would write or not ? ! Then she had a totally different thought . It could be Hilton ! Or Kelsey ! They were two of her best high school friends . Hilton was in New York a lot for her job , and Kelsey lived there . But neither of them would word the note like that . Lorylyn laughed at the thought . If it were from Hilton the note would read more like , " You better come , I have a kickass surprise for you ! " with a big wink sign afterwards . Kelsey would probably write something similar . She picked up her phone to call Cade , her best friend . Maybe he could help her figure it out from a guy 's perspective . Disappointed when he didn 't answer , she called Wes . Maybe Cade was in his room and had just left his phone downstairs or something . " Hey , are you at The Dilapidated Whorehouse ? " Lorylyn asked , naming the house she had just moved out of a few days ago . It had been their college house for the last five years … not just Lorylyn , Cade , and Wes 's , but seven of them total , including Jansen , Kylar , Thaler , and another friend Xavier . Their other two best friends at Irelan , Zibby and DJ , who were married , had lived there for the first year and then moved into a house nearby . " When did he leave ? " Lorylyn asked , thinking of the postmark . She suddenly realized it would show the exact date and grabbed the envelope again . May 7 . Thursday . Two days ago . Brady would 've already been in New York for one day . " See ya . " Lorylyn hung up and dropped her phone on the bed , staring but seeing nothing . Was it Cade ? ! They had history too … some of her most important history . Five and a half years ago , they 'd gotten married while studying abroad in Amsterdam . It wasn 't legally recognized in the States , but they 'd kept it going for a year after they 'd come back . Since then they 'd hooked up a few times and remained best friends and talked about how maybe someday they 'd be together again , but … Lorylyn tried to piece together all the clues . Every one of the possible senders would 've been in New York City at the time the letter was postmarked . Wait . She looked up Irelan 's baseball schedule . Maybe the games were in some totally other part of New York , which would rule out Cade . She scrolled down , searching , searching … " May 8 - 10 " … her eyes darted across … " @ Long Island University . " Lorylyn let out a deep breath . Long Island . That was New York City , or at least close enough . She didn 't know where on the island the university was , but it didn 't really matter . Holy shit . It could be any of them . Continental … Jason and Jordy had flown that to San Juan for the cruise . But that didn 't mean anything . It may have just been the cheapest flight , or the one with the best times . She had never heard Jason say he always flew Continental or anything . The business class ticket … Jason or Brady could easily afford to do that and probably would . It seemed less like Jordy or Cade . But … if Cade were doing something really big , like telling her he was in love with her and wanted to marry her again … he would go all out . Jordy … she didn 't really know . He had a job in sales of some kind and made enough money to live in Manhattan , but it seemed somewhat overboard that he 'd buy a business class ticket . The wording of the note probably sounded most like Brady , but really it could be any of them . She still thought it was weird that Brady would be secretive about it though , just because it didn 't fit his past note - writing style . She could see Cade being secretive about it for the element of surprise . He would know it would drive her crazy . Jordy … once again … who knew ? Maybe he wouldn 't even realize she wouldn 't know it was him . He didn 't know anything had ever happened between her and Jason , so what other guy did she know in New York ? " Hey , well Kylar 's here for the wedding , you know , and she just got up so I asked her when she 's staying till and she said Tuesday . So I asked her what her and Jansen are doing for the next couple days , and she said on Monday they 're going to a Dierks Bentley concert . And I was like , ' Is Lorylyn coming ? ' and she was like , ' No , I don 't think so . ' Like she sounded like she hadn 't heard anything about it . She said Jansen surprised her with the ticket when she got here , ' cause Jansen had just heard about it a few days ago and knew Kylar thought he was hot or something . Kylar was like , ' Yeah , Lorylyn likes him too , but as far as I know she 's not coming . ' So I don 't know if that means anything to you , but I thought I 'd let you know . I wasn 't even gonna call back ' cause it didn 't seem like a big deal , but then she went to get in the shower so I figured why not . Since Jansen did surprise her with the ticket or whatever , I was like , well maybe she 's surprising Lor too . I don 't know . " Lorylyn was out of breath as she hung up , and her mind was whirling even faster than before . Her immediate thought was Brady ; he 'd mailed her every new Dierks CD since 2003 and marked a song in each one that reminded him of her . But a second later that certainty swirled back into all the other ideas in her brain and become clouded again . Maybe it really was just Jansen … the surprise would be the concert … and Jansen would totally throw the " I need to talk to you " in just to screw with Lorylyn . It was the type of thing he would 've surprised her with . When they were together , or even the first few years after . But not now . Tickets to his games this summer … sure . But sending her a plane ticket to New York to take her to Dierks ? Why would he do that ? The whole Dierks thing could just be a coincidence . Brady might not even know Dierks was in New York tonight . And Cade … if it was him it would 've had to be totally spontaneous , because he hadn 't even known he would be going to New York . That would make sense why the ticket was one that looked like it was issued by the airline rather than an e - ticket … maybe he had gotten it at the airport when he landed . Maybe he 'd had the whole idea on the plane . And he had never called her back after she 'd called him the other day . That was unusual for him ; she hadn 't left a message , and normally he would 've called to see what was up . But maybe he had known she would 've been calling to tell him about the plane ticket , and he didn 't want to give anything away . Oh my gosh ! What if it 's Cade and his surprise is he 's taking me to Amsterdam ? ! she thought . She couldn 't believe she hadn 't thought of it before . Irelan 's last game in New York had been yesterday … it made perfect sense . She suddenly panicked . She hadn 't packed enough stuff for a trip to Amsterdam . She 'd only packed enough for three or four days ! But whatever , it didn 't matter . If they were going to Amsterdam … that would be so freaking awesome . And she did have her passport ; she always carried it with her when she traveled in case she lost her license . And … Cade had said they should go back sometime . Just a week ago , on one of their last nights at Irelan . Maybe this week he 'd gotten really sad about her being gone … and realized he wanted to be together again … . Holy shit . Could it be ? The ticket not being an e - ticket made it seem probably less likely that it was Jason . He would 've bought a ticket online , wouldn 't he ? Either Brady or Cade could 've bought it at the airport when they flew into the city . But why would Jason go all the way to the airport ? But then maybe he had a travel agent who had booked it for him and given him the real ticket . He did ! Or at least his family did . She had booked the room for Jason in Cabo a few years ago over spring break when his flight to Switzerland had gotten cancelled and he and his friends had decided to go to Cabo with Lorylyn and Jansen and their friends instead . Lorylyn sighed . She wondered for the millionth time which of them she even wanted it to be . And the answer , like every other time , was all of them . The four main guys from her past , the four main guys in her life so far . She still talked to all of them , still saw a chance she might hook up with all of them again . Still saw a chance she might date any one of them in the future , even if with Brady it was just the smallest chance , one she really didn 't even want to admit existed . She was almost twenty - six , and no guy doors had closed in her life . Every guy she 'd loved or even liked a lot … every guy she 'd slept with … was still there , still a possibility in her mind . She 'd acted as though the door with Brady was closed and believed in her head it was . But her heart had always kept a little opening tucked away for him , and she knew it . With Jordy she 'd been okay knowing it would never go anywhere , and she still was … but that didn 't mean she wouldn 't be open to it going somewhere if the opportunity arose . And Cade and Jason … of course the door was still open with both of them . In the bathroom at LaGuardia , she was growing more nervous with each stroke of her brush through her hair . Another part of her couldn 't wait to see who it was , because there was a crazy hope building inside her by the second too . Agh ! She felt like she was so conflicted she might burst . What ? her confused brain asked . What ? She hadn 't thought she knew who she wanted or didn 't want it to be , but this was wrong . No , no , no . What ? ! No ! She 'd told herself not to get her hopes up ; she 'd known she really had no clue how she would react when she saw who it was . But now that she had , she knew right away it was wrong . This wasn 't how this was supposed to turn out . What ? ! She didn 't even understand what was happening , couldn 't swallow the stunned disappointment . She felt like she was in a dream . She remembered Kylar 's dream about Hersh last weekend , when Hersh had said , " It wasn 't supposed to be you , " and Kylar had woken up knowing with absolute certainty she wasn 't the girl he was supposed to marry . Those words had allowed Kylar to go to New York for his wedding at peace with the situation . The cover for my new book , A Stranger Thing , is below ! ! Go here to read about the plot of the book : A Stranger Thing . Also , you can now pre - order A Stranger Thing at a discount ! The cover price is $ 23 . 99 , but if you email me at daisy @ daisyjordan . com and let me know you are interested , I will let you know how you can purchase it through PayPal for only $ 15 , and free shipping ! = D Can 't wait for you to read the book ! ! To check out some character interviews beforehand , start with Lorylyn and you can link to another interview from hers , and another one from there , and so on . You can meet 12 of the characters total ! And don 't forget to pre - order - email me at daisy @ daisyjordan . com ! = D I am a YA and women 's fiction author . I love writing because I get to capture emotions people feel in everyday life and play with my readers ' emotions ! ; ) I write characters people can relate to , and I almost always end a book with a cliffhanger to keep my readers coming back . Plus , life is always better with a little suspense ! ; ) My books are mostly about relationships and everyday life , with some extra plot twists thrown in for fun ! My characters reappear from one novel to the next , and even when they 're not main characters in the current book , you can still get updates on their lives . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Today 's character interview features Haidin Bayliss , Hilton 's former hook - up buddy . The night before Only May in Paris Will Tell began , Hilton went to Haidin 's hotel room to celebrate him winning the Indy tennis tournament . When she knocked on the door , it was answered by Haidin 's ex , Aubrey Gage . This interview takes place a couple weeks after the start of the book . Game Set Match magazine ( and therefore , the world in general ) does not yet know Haidin and Aubrey are hooking up again , or even in contact with each other . Don 't worry … no major spoilers ! ! 🙂 In what will possibly be Game Set Match 's most exclusive interview of the summer , we snagged a few minutes of the most elusive player on tour 's time . That 's right , you guessed it , tennis bad - boy - turned - mystery - man Haidin Bayliss has decided to grace us with his presence . If it 's anything like his ESPN2 interview a few hours ago , all we can say is lucky us … Deidre Fox : Haidin , you 're having a hot year , but you couldn 't win a title . Finally you did , a few weeks ago in Indianapolis . How did that feel ? HB : I told ESPN already . I was kidnapped . I beat off my captors with tennis racquets and still made it in time for the birth of my bastard child . Did you miss that interview ? DF : No , I sure didn 't . Just thought you might have some additional details to add . Like if one of those " friends " you mentioned a minute ago happened to be the mother of your bastard child . DF : I have a feeling that just won 't be the case . Haidin Bayliss has a quiet fall and winter , barely makes the headlines ? No way . HB : Like Hilton and I have always said , we don 't talk every day . We 're not a couple . We never have been . But before you ask , yes , we 're still friends . Everything 's fine . Hey guys ! It 's Hilton from Daisy Jordan 's new book , Only May in Paris Will Tell , which is officially released and can be ordered here ! And since you get free shipping w / a $ 25 book order , you might as well pick up another Daisy Jordan book or 2 while you 're at it . Anyway , I am soooo excited for this book . It takes place over 10 months , and you will read all about my love life , my move to LA , whether my ex - boyfriend Luke and I manage to stay friends , whether my ex - hookup - buddy Haidin and I manage to stay friends after I found him in his hotel room w / his ex - girlfriend Aubrey at the end of Living in a Postcard ( SO weird to think about still … ) , what my best friends Jill and Todd are up to in LA , whether anything else ever happens w / the guy I love , Tanner , after that kiss we had in Indy , what my tennis - player friends Nate , Noah , and Damian are up to , and so much more ! And don 't worry if you haven 't read previous books about me - this one does stand alone , so you can read it without having read any of the others ! HJ : For my book launch next May in Paris ! I 'm publishing my first photography book . And also definitely to see how my love life progresses . HJ : I can 't say much more right now . Just that there 's a potential prospect … at least I think there might be . And I can 't wait to see what 'll happen . HJ : Well , I 'm moving to LA , which I 'm thrilled about , but my best friend Luke will still be living in Indy , and I 'll miss him like crazy . We 've been living together for basically six and a half years . So I 'm bummed about being so far from him . DF : Okayyyy . Let 's look farther down the road . Who do you see being at the center of the most jaw - dropping story of 2009 ? HJ : I think he is . I think you 're going to see him come out firing and have a strong summer . He 'll be ready to defend his US Open title . DF : I have no doubt . Okay , Hilton , final question for today . Who 's your favorite new character in Only May in Paris Will Tell , and who 's your least favorite new character ? HJ : My favorite is definitely Leks Drovic . She 's awesome … and unexpected , in many ways . And my least favorite … Whitney Gray . Whitney brings heartbreak and alters lives in a way readers will never see coming . It 's devastating . DF : Okay , well we 'll cross our fingers it 's not you who 's devastated , Hilton ! But we at GSM have to admit , we can 't wait to see what you 're talking about ! GSM My latest book , Only May in Paris Will Tell , is available to pre - order ! I will have copies in just a couple of weeks , and I would love to mail a book to any readers who want one hot off the press ! 🙂 The retail price is $ 22 . 99 , but for anyone who pre - orders , I will sell it for $ 15 plus $ 2 shipping , so $ 17 total ! To pre - order , just send an email to daisyjordan06 @ hotmail . com or message me on Facebook or Twitter ! The emotional wreckage of a failed proposal . A broken ankle . A wild bachelorette party at a gay bar . A jaw - dropping exposé on one of the world 's top tennis players . That was May in Paris in 2009 , when the tennis tour landed in the city for its annual French Open fortnight . Hilton Joliet , a photographer for the magazine Game Set Match and a friend of several players on tour , was at the center of it all . And in the two months since Paris , life has continued to serve up surprises . A month ago in Vero Beach , Florida , Hilton told her best friend on tour Tanner Bruin she 's in love with him . Five nights ago in Indianapolis , they kissed , but Tanner still doesn 't know how he feels about her . Last night , Hilton knocked on the Indy hotel door of another friend on tour , her former hookup buddy Haidin Bayliss , to celebrate his latest tennis win . The door was opened by Haidin 's lingerie - clad ex - girlfriend and self - described Hilton enemy , bitchy , outrageous A - list actress Aubrey Gage . This morning , Hilton is 600 miles away in Kansas , driving across the country with her ex - boyfriend and still - best - friend Luke Windler , from whom she fears her life will soon go down a very different road . In my last couple posts , I 've shared some pictures from Brussels and Denver , 2 of the major locations in A Stranger Thing . The final major location I 'll be posting some of my own photos from is Chicago , where Kylar , Jansen , Thaler , Xavier , Drew , and Brooke live ! I grew up about 3 hours from Chicago , and one of my best friends lives there now , so I visit pretty often . It is a beautiful city and LOTS of fun ! ! 🙂 Ok guys , I really am going to start updating my blog WAY more often . 🙂 Last time , I featured some pictures I took in Brussels , where my character Kella lives and where a few pretty important scenes in A Stranger Thing take place , including the awesome cliffhanger ! 😉 Today , I am showcasing Denver , where Lorylyn , Zibby , Taylor , Crissy , Winthrop , and Brady live , and where I used to live as well ! I love this city so much . My brother Josh and me at the summit of Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park … it tops out at just over 12 , 000 feet and is the highest stretch of paved highway in the country ! This is where Zibby and DJ go for a weekend shortly after moving to Denver , while Lorylyn is in Florida for Jill 's wedding . Another fun fact … for every 1000 feet of altitude gained , the temperature drops as much as every 600 miles driven north … so going up this road from where it starts at 7500 feet to here , just over 12 , 000 , is like driving to the arctic circle in an hour 🙂 In anticipation of the release of A Stranger Thing , which is just a FEW DAYS AWAY = D now , check out the prologue below ! I have a good feeling you might be hooked afterward … 😉 And if so , good news , you can still pre - order for $ 15 ( cover price is $ 23 . 99 ) ! ! Just email me at daisy @ daisyjordan . com to do so ! Free shipping too , at least in the continental US ! Prologue below … 🙂 Lorylyn 's heart pounded the whole time the plane was taxiing . When it stopped at the gate , she pulled her carry - on and purse out from under the seat and held them in her lap , then tapped her foot anxiously . She was so glad she was in the second row . She was afraid she was going to pass out or throw up if she didn 't get off of here soon . She needed the rush of cold air that usually greeted her in the jetway . She needed to freaking move ! Once she was in the jetway she shoved past the man and walked quickly . Then , as she neared the terminal , she slowed . She might see who it was in a matter of seconds . She still felt like she was going to pass out . Slightly disappointed yet more so relieved , she let out a huge breath . The person must be waiting for her at baggage claim . It would 've been hard to get to the gate anyway … it would 've meant buying a ticket . And that seemed way overboard . On Saturday , two days ago , she 'd been in her room at her parents ' house in Indiana getting ready to go through all her mail . She hated doing it because it always piled up ; she still listed her parents ' house as her permanent address on everything and got a ton of junk mail there . Just as she 'd been picking up the first envelope , her mom had leaned into her room and said , " One more . " She 'd tossed another envelope onto Lorylyn 's bed , and Lorylyn had put the first one back down and grabbed this one instead . She opened it and pulled out the contents , then frowned when she looked at them . There was one piece of paper folded in thirds and something else that looked like a plane ticket . It was probably a fake plane ticket , like saying , if you get our credit card and charge so much on it , we 'll offer you free miles , and you 'll get a free plane ticket . But when she peered a little closer at it , she realized it didn 't look fake . And when she looked even closer , she was stunned . From everything she could tell , it was a valid ticket . Continental Flight 2064 , from Indianapolis to New York LaGuardia , business class , for May 11 , 2009 . Two days away . Seat 2A . Departing at 1 : 55 p . m . and arriving at 4 : 09 p . m . What the hell ? ! Lorylyn laughed incredulously and a little excitedly as the thought crossed her mind that Jansen might have done this . It might be something like that Fourth of July when she 'd sent those invites for the party on the Vineyard without even telling anyone about it . Lorylyn wondered what was going on this time ! She remembered the paper and grabbed for it to unfold it . The note was typed , and that was all it said . There was nothing else on the page . " What ? " Lorylyn asked in confusion . She grabbed the envelope again and looked more closely at it . Her name and address were typed too , and the postmark was from New York , NY . But no … surely not . She 'd only talked to him twice on AIM since the cruise , and they 'd written on each other 's Facebook Walls once . She hadn 't gotten any kind of impression he even planned on ever seeing her again . So was it Jason ? As much as she wanted it to be , her brain told her there was no way . It was something he would do , yeah , but she really didn 't think he would do it for her . Why would he need to see her right now ? Jansen was there . Wait ! Unless Jansen had told him about how she was going to be with Thaler when she moved to Chicago in August … and Jason was really upset … and so he wanted to see Lorylyn . Or maybe he 'd wanted to see her all this time , but hadn 't thought he should because of Jansen , but now that he 'd heard about Thaler … Stop it , Lorylyn ! she screamed silently at herself . There 's no way it 's Jason ! And if so it 's nothing like what you 're thinking … at least not that he 's secretly in love with you ! It could be him if it was something like the Vineyard party though , she supposed . Maybe it was just some event in the city he thought she would like . Maybe he and Jansen had done this together . But it didn 't explain the " I need to talk to you " part . Another thought occurred to her and she grabbed her laptop . She could check to see if this was even a real flight . She quickly went to Continental 's website and searched for flights from Indy to New York for May 11 . She inhaled sharply when she saw the second result . Flight 2064 … departing at 1 : 55 and arriving at 4 : 09 . Then she had another idea , and she grabbed the ticket . There . Her confirmation number . She went back to the main page and under Change or View Reservations , she typed it in , along with her last name . She waited breathlessly while the next page loaded . She fully expected it to come up saying Error ! No Itinerary Found ! or something of the sort . She inhaled sharply again when it displayed her reservation . Lorylyn Porter , 5 / 11 / 09 , Flight 2064 , IND - LGA , Seat 2A . " Holy shit , " she whispered . " Oh , hey ! " Sinead was Jason 's roommate in New York . Jansen was staying at their apartment while she was in the city for the summer . " Oh ! " Duh ! Lorylyn had been so wrapped up in the plane ticket mystery she 'd completely forgotten today was Hersh 's wedding . Her friend Kylar was there for it too … staying with Sinead , Jason , and Jansen . Kylar had hooked up with Hersh all through college , most recently on the cruise a bunch of them had gone on together in March , which had been dubbed Hersh 's unofficial bachelor party . Kylar had debated long and hard over whether to go to his wedding , and finally she 'd decided to , as a way to say goodbye to him . " Well … um … you don 't know anything about either of them , like , sending me a plane ticket to New York , do you ? " " No , I don 't know . I got one from somebody . Don 't mention it to them though . " Lorylyn didn 't know why , but she didn 't want them to know . She 'd been planning on pretending she 'd just called to talk and then asking Jansen random questions to fish for the answer , such as what she and Jason were doing this coming week . " Bye . " Lorylyn hung up , her heart racing again . So it could be Jason , or both him and Jansen together … it sounded like they were going to be in the city next week … Then she had another crazy idea , and her heart pounded against her chest . Her hands shook a little as she typed in the first few letters of the address and waited for Firefox to come up with the past places she 'd visited . She clicked on the URL for the Rockies ' 2009 schedule . When the page loaded she quickly scanned the May calendar . She fell back against her pillows , staring at her computer screen and then at the plane ticket . Was it Brady ? ! But he always handwrote his notes … and wait , no , it couldn 't be him . Because the postmark had come from New York . And he wouldn 't be there already … his first game there wasn 't for three days . She let out a huge breath that was a mix of relief and disappointment . The possibility of it being him had left her stunned … and now that possibility had been yanked away already . Unless … she leaned forward to peer at the Rockies ' schedule again . Thursday , May 7 through Saturday , May 9 … " @ NY Yankees . " " Oh my gosh , " Lorylyn breathed . So he would 've been in New York since at least Wednesday … plenty of time for him to mail this from there . No way . Brady ? Her first love , the guy she 'd thought for years was The One ? With whom she 'd had a blowout fight last October and only recently gotten back on speaking … or more like texting … terms ? She still didn 't know why , if it were Brady , he 'd be so secretive . He 'd never been like that before . He always included a handwritten note with anything he sent her and signed it . Would he have not done that this time hoping she wouldn 't know who it was , because he thought if she did know she wouldn 't come ? No , that didn 't really make sense . She picked up the note again and reread it . The wording sounded like something Brady would write . It sounded less like Jason or Jordy … but with Jason , you never knew what he and Jansen might be up to . And it kind of sounded like Jason by himself … depending on the situation . She just had no idea what this situation was , so how was she supposed to know if it was something Jason would write or not ? ! Then she had a totally different thought . It could be Hilton ! Or Kelsey ! They were two of her best high school friends . Hilton was in New York a lot for her job , and Kelsey lived there . But neither of them would word the note like that . Lorylyn laughed at the thought . If it were from Hilton the note would read more like , " You better come , I have a kickass surprise for you ! " with a big wink sign afterwards . Kelsey would probably write something similar . She picked up her phone to call Cade , her best friend . Maybe he could help her figure it out from a guy 's perspective . Disappointed when he didn 't answer , she called Wes . Maybe Cade was in his room and had just left his phone downstairs or something . " Hey , are you at The Dilapidated Whorehouse ? " Lorylyn asked , naming the house she had just moved out of a few days ago . It had been their college house for the last five years … not just Lorylyn , Cade , and Wes 's , but seven of them total , including Jansen , Kylar , Thaler , and another friend Xavier . Their other two best friends at Irelan , Zibby and DJ , who were married , had lived there for the first year and then moved into a house nearby . " When did he leave ? " Lorylyn asked , thinking of the postmark . She suddenly realized it would show the exact date and grabbed the envelope again . May 7 . Thursday . Two days ago . Brady would 've already been in New York for one day . " See ya . " Lorylyn hung up and dropped her phone on the bed , staring but seeing nothing . Was it Cade ? ! They had history too … some of her most important history . Five and a half years ago , they 'd gotten married while studying abroad in Amsterdam . It wasn 't legally recognized in the States , but they 'd kept it going for a year after they 'd come back . Since then they 'd hooked up a few times and remained best friends and talked about how maybe someday they 'd be together again , but … Lorylyn tried to piece together all the clues . Every one of the possible senders would 've been in New York City at the time the letter was postmarked . Wait . She looked up Irelan 's baseball schedule . Maybe the games were in some totally other part of New York , which would rule out Cade . She scrolled down , searching , searching … " May 8 - 10 " … her eyes darted across … " @ Long Island University . " Lorylyn let out a deep breath . Long Island . That was New York City , or at least close enough . She didn 't know where on the island the university was , but it didn 't really matter . Holy shit . It could be any of them . Continental … Jason and Jordy had flown that to San Juan for the cruise . But that didn 't mean anything . It may have just been the cheapest flight , or the one with the best times . She had never heard Jason say he always flew Continental or anything . The business class ticket … Jason or Brady could easily afford to do that and probably would . It seemed less like Jordy or Cade . But … if Cade were doing something really big , like telling her he was in love with her and wanted to marry her again … he would go all out . Jordy … she didn 't really know . He had a job in sales of some kind and made enough money to live in Manhattan , but it seemed somewhat overboard that he 'd buy a business class ticket . The wording of the note probably sounded most like Brady , but really it could be any of them . She still thought it was weird that Brady would be secretive about it though , just because it didn 't fit his past note - writing style . She could see Cade being secretive about it for the element of surprise . He would know it would drive her crazy . Jordy … once again … who knew ? Maybe he wouldn 't even realize she wouldn 't know it was him . He didn 't know anything had ever happened between her and Jason , so what other guy did she know in New York ? " Hey , well Kylar 's here for the wedding , you know , and she just got up so I asked her when she 's staying till and she said Tuesday . So I asked her what her and Jansen are doing for the next couple days , and she said on Monday they 're going to a Dierks Bentley concert . And I was like , ' Is Lorylyn coming ? ' and she was like , ' No , I don 't think so . ' Like she sounded like she hadn 't heard anything about it . She said Jansen surprised her with the ticket when she got here , ' cause Jansen had just heard about it a few days ago and knew Kylar thought he was hot or something . Kylar was like , ' Yeah , Lorylyn likes him too , but as far as I know she 's not coming . ' So I don 't know if that means anything to you , but I thought I 'd let you know . I wasn 't even gonna call back ' cause it didn 't seem like a big deal , but then she went to get in the shower so I figured why not . Since Jansen did surprise her with the ticket or whatever , I was like , well maybe she 's surprising Lor too . I don 't know . " Lorylyn was out of breath as she hung up , and her mind was whirling even faster than before . Her immediate thought was Brady ; he 'd mailed her every new Dierks CD since 2003 and marked a song in each one that reminded him of her . But a second later that certainty swirled back into all the other ideas in her brain and become clouded again . Maybe it really was just Jansen … the surprise would be the concert … and Jansen would totally throw the " I need to talk to you " in just to screw with Lorylyn . It was the type of thing he would 've surprised her with . When they were together , or even the first few years after . But not now . Tickets to his games this summer … sure . But sending her a plane ticket to New York to take her to Dierks ? Why would he do that ? The whole Dierks thing could just be a coincidence . Brady might not even know Dierks was in New York tonight . And Cade … if it was him it would 've had to be totally spontaneous , because he hadn 't even known he would be going to New York . That would make sense why the ticket was one that looked like it was issued by the airline rather than an e - ticket … maybe he had gotten it at the airport when he landed . Maybe he 'd had the whole idea on the plane . And he had never called her back after she 'd called him the other day . That was unusual for him ; she hadn 't left a message , and normally he would 've called to see what was up . But maybe he had known she would 've been calling to tell him about the plane ticket , and he didn 't want to give anything away . Oh my gosh ! What if it 's Cade and his surprise is he 's taking me to Amsterdam ? ! she thought . She couldn 't believe she hadn 't thought of it before . Irelan 's last game in New York had been yesterday … it made perfect sense . She suddenly panicked . She hadn 't packed enough stuff for a trip to Amsterdam . She 'd only packed enough for three or four days ! But whatever , it didn 't matter . If they were going to Amsterdam … that would be so freaking awesome . And she did have her passport ; she always carried it with her when she traveled in case she lost her license . And … Cade had said they should go back sometime . Just a week ago , on one of their last nights at Irelan . Maybe this week he 'd gotten really sad about her being gone … and realized he wanted to be together again … . Holy shit . Could it be ? The ticket not being an e - ticket made it seem probably less likely that it was Jason . He would 've bought a ticket online , wouldn 't he ? Either Brady or Cade could 've bought it at the airport when they flew into the city . But why would Jason go all the way to the airport ? But then maybe he had a travel agent who had booked it for him and given him the real ticket . He did ! Or at least his family did . She had booked the room for Jason in Cabo a few years ago over spring break when his flight to Switzerland had gotten cancelled and he and his friends had decided to go to Cabo with Lorylyn and Jansen and their friends instead . Lorylyn sighed . She wondered for the millionth time which of them she even wanted it to be . And the answer , like every other time , was all of them . The four main guys from her past , the four main guys in her life so far . She still talked to all of them , still saw a chance she might hook up with all of them again . Still saw a chance she might date any one of them in the future , even if with Brady it was just the smallest chance , one she really didn 't even want to admit existed . She was almost twenty - six , and no guy doors had closed in her life . Every guy she 'd loved or even liked a lot … every guy she 'd slept with … was still there , still a possibility in her mind . She 'd acted as though the door with Brady was closed and believed in her head it was . But her heart had always kept a little opening tucked away for him , and she knew it . With Jordy she 'd been okay knowing it would never go anywhere , and she still was … but that didn 't mean she wouldn 't be open to it going somewhere if the opportunity arose . And Cade and Jason … of course the door was still open with both of them . In the bathroom at LaGuardia , she was growing more nervous with each stroke of her brush through her hair . Another part of her couldn 't wait to see who it was , because there was a crazy hope building inside her by the second too . Agh ! She felt like she was so conflicted she might burst . What ? her confused brain asked . What ? She hadn 't thought she knew who she wanted or didn 't want it to be , but this was wrong . No , no , no . What ? ! No ! She 'd told herself not to get her hopes up ; she 'd known she really had no clue how she would react when she saw who it was . But now that she had , she knew right away it was wrong . This wasn 't how this was supposed to turn out . What ? ! She didn 't even understand what was happening , couldn 't swallow the stunned disappointment . She felt like she was in a dream . She remembered Kylar 's dream about Hersh last weekend , when Hersh had said , " It wasn 't supposed to be you , " and Kylar had woken up knowing with absolute certainty she wasn 't the girl he was supposed to marry . Those words had allowed Kylar to go to New York for his wedding at peace with the situation . The cover for my new book , A Stranger Thing , is below ! ! Go here to read about the plot of the book : A Stranger Thing . Also , you can now pre - order A Stranger Thing at a discount ! The cover price is $ 23 . 99 , but if you email me at daisy @ daisyjordan . com and let me know you are interested , I will let you know how you can purchase it through PayPal for only $ 15 , and free shipping ! = D Can 't wait for you to read the book ! ! To check out some character interviews beforehand , start with Lorylyn and you can link to another interview from hers , and another one from there , and so on . You can meet 12 of the characters total ! And don 't forget to pre - order - email me at daisy @ daisyjordan . com ! = D I am a YA and women 's fiction author . I love writing because I get to capture emotions people feel in everyday life and play with my readers ' emotions ! ; ) I write characters people can relate to , and I almost always end a book with a cliffhanger to keep my readers coming back . Plus , life is always better with a little suspense ! ; ) My books are mostly about relationships and everyday life , with some extra plot twists thrown in for fun ! My characters reappear from one novel to the next , and even when they 're not main characters in the current book , you can still get updates on their lives . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

After a long and tiring flight I made it home , looking back on a wonderful trip I was co - leading with Danny . It wasn 't my first time in Yellowstone but it was my first time during the fall . It turned out to be hard work compared to the winter trip because the animals are less visible without the enormous snow covered fields and forest . Luckily it was the rutting season for the elk and also the moose were still active although the rut was nearly over . During the rutting season the female and male elk and come together in groups to mate . Moose typically avoid other moose during winter , spring and summer and they are not social animals that live in groups like elk or mountain goats . But during autumn , moose become social and their lives become hectic for about a month . Luckily for us the active parts of the rut take place in open areas so we can witness the event and get better opportunity 's to take some pictures . We also received some tips from a fellow photographer who told us where to go . Now , this is more than welcome being in an enormous place like Yellowstone and the Tetons . Sitting at my desk , scrolling through my images I come to the conclusion that we did rather well altogether . During the first few days of the trip we were kind of struggling when it came to finding the animals in decent light . Of course there were always elk and bison to be seen but we 're kind of spoiled and always want the best position and light . We did everything we could and went into the park before sunrise and witnessed some amazing mornings with a beautiful sunrise and mist . Every morning we first went to the best places and hoping to catch some animals at the right spots . Unfortunately it didn 't work out for us but I guess you can 't win them all . An experienced nature photographer is not only looking for an animal but is also looking for the right light and most of all anticipating and analysing the situation . What will the animals do next and which way are they going … When you ask yourself what the situation will be next , you can go there and wait for just the right moment . People are often staying with their subject when they are really close and in a way it is understandable but looking ahead of the situation will sometimes give you very different images of the same animals but smaller in the frame in beautiful light . I consider myself as an experienced nature photographer and try to think forward . After shooting some nice elk I thought it was as good as over and said " Come on , let 's go to the bridge " Earlier that day we had seen some elk at the bridge , crossing the river but the light was poor so we moved on . I thought that maybe the elk were still there but now in much better light . As we turned around to walk to the vans , two male elk decided to play fight in some stunning backlight . Immediately a voice from behind said , " Let 's go to the bridge he said , it will be great he said " I immediately recognized the voice as the of our house comedian Danny Green . Of course these words were repeated several times that day and we 'll probably still laugh about it when are old . We did a lot of driving this trip and enjoyed a lot of places . Now I 'm not a landscape photographer but I did enjoy taking some shots of old oak trees in some backlight against a nice mountain backdrop . You can 't beat autumn colours . Although distinct species the elk are very similar to our European red deer with some visible differences like the antlers and their roar that sounds more like nails on a blackboard . But they are stunning as well and great subjects to be around with . We spent a lot of time near these animals and enjoyed every second of it . They are much wilder then our red deer but nonetheless they walk past us without making eye contact , giving me the feeling they are ignoring us because somehow we don 't belong in their territory . The animals and especially the big mammals decide where we are allowed to stand , not the other way around . If an elk or a bison wants to cross a road you will make way , not the animal . A lot of visitors have learned the hard way . Check Youtube for a few hours of ignorant visitors being punished . The elk rut was still going on and we all enjoyed the animals roaming the large rutting grounds . Another species is the pronghorn . The pronghorn 's closest living relatives are the giraffes and it is the fastest land mammal in the Western Hemisphere , being built for maximum predator evasion through running . According to Wikipedia the top speed is very hard to measure accurately and varies between individuals ; it can run 35 mph for 4 miles ( 56 km / h for 6 km ) , 42 mph for 1 mile ( 67 km / h for 1 . 6 km ) , and 55 mph for 0 . 5 mile ( 88 . 5 km / h for 0 . 8 km ) . The only mammal that will outrun the pronghorn is the cheetah . What came as a bit of a surprise to me was capturing the beaver building a new dam . Seeing beavers swimming by , dragging large branches of birch was stunning . We did spend a late afternoon with them and enjoyed every second . The area itself is beautiful . Below is the beaver site and the beavers at work . The trip got better and better when days were passing by . The rutting elk and beavers were stunning to witness and capture but the animal that I enjoyed most was the moose . I did see some moose ( European elk ) in Norway but they are small compared to the moose here in the US and Canada . A fully - grown male during the rutting season can grow up to 1600 lbs ! ! Not an animal to mess with and we had to leave the scene more than once to give them the space they claimed . Watching each other 's back was very important as the moose will not move for us . Not stepping aside could lead to serious injury or worse . What a cracking animal and what a setting with those autumn colours . The first time I went to Yellowstone I immediately knew I was going to love this place . Wilderness like it supposed to be . It has , of course , been touched by human hands in the present and the past , but it gives you the feeling it is the ultimate wild . Wolves roam freely , coyotes and foxes hunt for voles in the deep snow and eagles and raven keep an eye out from the treetops . The last time I was at Yellowstone we didn 't see any red fox and I was hoping this time would be different . They look so beautiful in their red shiny winter fur . They are the smallest member of the canine family . The larger ear size of foxes enables them to hear and catch mice and rodents under the snow and they do it perfectly . Their head turns from left to right while their body stays perfectly still . They listen and listen and when the exact location of the vole is found , they leap in the air to generate enough weight to penetrate the deep snow and catch the prey . I must say , they are pretty good at it . I was so glad to see many red foxes and I have enjoyed every minute seeing them hunt and walk the large snowy plains . Unfortunately the days were very sunny . The sun is very nice after a very cold night but the downside is that the camera sensor captures the heat haze which results in very soft images . At first I thought there was something wrong with my equipment because these heat waves are not easily seen with our bare eyes . The closer the fox came , the less it would effect the image . Luckily we have seen many red foxes and sometimes at very close range . What a beautiful animal and they look so stunning in the white snow . The second largest canine within the national park is the coyote . The coyote is a common predator in the park , often seen alone or in packs , traveling through the park 's wide - open valleys hunting small mammals . Although the coyote is bigger than the fox , their ears are smaller . But the coyote is still a very skilled hunter and their hearing is good enough to locate voles under the snow too . Coyotes stay far away from wolves because they will be killed . On two occasions we saw a coyote run for his life and the reason was probably a wolf pack but they stayed well hidden within the trees . They have many reasons to fear the wolf . Male coyotes can weigh up to 30 - 40 pounds while the biggest male wolf was measured 130 pounds . After the reintroduction of wolves in the park , the number of coyotes declined with 50 % . Eighty to ninety percent of coyote deaths from wolves take place at kills , where Wil E Coyote is not quite so sneaky and gets a little too close to his larger brothers . As the largest land - dwelling animal in North America , the bison of Yellowstone National Park ( often mistakenly referred to as " buffalo " ) are nearly impossible to miss . Over 4000 bison walk freely through the park and this soft winter hasn 't seemed to effect them much . They looked fat and happy . Of course the grass has little to no nutrition but the bison have adapted to these poor conditions during the winter . An impressive animal … Another trip with Natures Images has come to an end . Time flies when you are having fun but the next two trips to Yellowstone have already been planned for me to help guide in September and next year 's winter . A big thank you to all of the people who travelled with us and of course a big salute to our drivers and guides John and John . You have all been great company and I do hope we 'll meet again on one of our next trips , wherever that may be ! Japan has to offer many things . Great people ( figuratively speaking of course ) , very helpful and efficient , rich culture , and lots of traditions . The latter has confused me at times but Harumi , our Japanese assistant , has taken care of us and taught us how to eat with chop sticks while sitting on the floor without shoes and muscle cramp attacks lurking around the corner waiting for the best moment to strike . Japan has made a great impression on me and I like the opportunity to take you on a virtual and personal journey of two weeks in the land of the rising sun … . . Our first port of call was to visit Jigokudani near Nagano and the park for Japanese Macaques or Snow Monkeys . A place I would rather skip but I fully understand it has to be part of the program when visiting Japan with a large group of keen photographers . It 's not the snow monkeys ' fault of course … . they live there . It 's them other primates on two legs who annoy the crap out of me . My visit to the monkeys can be described as a walk through the city of Amsterdam on Kings Day . Not my cup of tea but I managed to capture some images I do like . Spending 10 minutes around the pool was enough for me and I killed most of the time observing people doing stupid things and I 'm sure most of these people have no idea how close the were to get bitten in the face . I 've seen some pretty dangerous selfie attempts but the reason no one was hurt is the fact these monkeys are full blood Japanese which means they do their best to make your stay as pleasant as possible no matter how rude or ignorant you are . A few nice moments with the four - legged monkeys were recorded with my Nikon and I would like to share some of them with you … You were reading it right … law eggs One morning in one of the hotels one of our guests was having an egg from the bowl not alarmed by that piece of paper in Japanese gobbledygook saying these eggs are uncooked . Don 't need to explain what happened at the table . The next morning the same bowl had a second piece of paper warning us in a more recognisable language but still amusing . Next part of the trip was the island of Hokkaido . Hokkaido is the second largest , northernmost and least developed of Japan 's four main islands . Its weather is harsh in winter with lots of snowfall , below zero temperatures and frozen seas and of course the beautiful Japanese cranes or red - crowned cranes . Red - crowned cranes almost became fashion victims at the beginning of the 20th century . They were hunted to the brink of extinction in Japan so that their stunning plumage could be used to adorn hats and other fashion accessories . Hunting these cranes is now illegal and a huge conservation effort was undertaken and thankfully the cranes have reached a high sustainable level with around a thousand birds . These magnificent birds were on top of my list and I was not disappointed . Although the crane centre was busy and crowded with people at times it was still very enjoyable to be around these big and gracious birds . The dance of the cranes and the noise they make won 't be forgotten . At the crane centre there was a small café run by two older and very friendly ladies . The rice and curry they were making will be as memorable as the cranes . Young cranes were very amusing to watch . Their playful and shameless behaviour while dancing and playing with snow were a joy for the eye and mind . A clumsy dance was set off by the tiniest things like a falling snow flake or a twig on the ground . Cranes were not the slightest alarmed by the red fox who was visiting the cranes looking for scraps . The reason the cranes were not alarmed is the fact that they are well capable of defending themselves against these relative small mammals . They did look a bit upset though when the eagles came and tried to steal the fish from them . This was the moment I was waiting for . I 've seen some great images of cranes fighting white - tailed eagles on the internet but there are just a few of them and most have been taken by Japanese photographers who spend enormous amounts of time at the crane centre every year . No high hopes but I would give it my best . . It 's hard to describe the joy when I looked at the images on the back of my screen . I nailed some decent action shots which I 'm very happy with . The Nikon D4 has a great autofocus system and turned out a great help freezing the action in perfect sharpness . A couple of days with the cranes was a great and memorable time and even at times when I was just watching without taking any shots . Next destination of our trip was Rausu . Rausu is primarily a fishing town and located on the east end of Hokkaido 's Shiretoko Peninsula . Rausu lies in close proximity of Russia and potential fishing - rights disputes are their main problems as one third of the residents are supported by the fishing industry . We had booked four trips with a local fisherman who also runs a great hotel where we were staying . The sea ice had just returned to the harbour after been blown out to sea by the strong winds . We couldn 't have planned it better and we turned out to be the first this year who were lucky enough to go out to sea and get us some eagle action on the drift ice . Both white - tailed eagle and stellers ' sea eagle were lured in by the daily supply of fish thrown overboard by the fishermen . Two amazing birds flying in , resting on the ice and often so close I couldn 't take the shot cause they were too tight in the frame . An amazing experience as I love eagles and they didn 't disappoint us . Many gigs filled the cards in our camera and everyone stepped of the boat with a big smile . The last part of the trip was looking for whooper swans . We visited some good places and had some nice snowy conditions . Although these swans have been done by so many photographers it was still a great part of this holiday . Often seen in the UK from October till March but not as close in these numbers and beautiful winter conditions . Let me thank all of you who came on this trip and I hope Danny - san and I have been part of your experience . I had such a great time and hope to see all of you in the near future on one of our many holiday destinations . An extra thank you to Harumi , our Japanese assistant and Mori our driver . More than 32 , 000 brown bears call Alaska home . Even though there are technically two subspecies in North America ( the grizzly and the Kodiak ) , all brown bears in Alaska are genetically identical . The difference between Coastal and Grizzly Bears is geographical and diet . As their name suggests , Alaskan coastal brown bears live along the coast where the living is easier and the climate is better . They enjoy a greater amount of animal protein , mainly in the form of fish in their diet and hence get larger . The grizzly has to work harder for it 's food and are more aggressive . Although the coastal brown bears have learned to live close to people it doesn 't mean they are less aggressive than the grizzly , they are just less shy . Our guide Dave told us a lot about these bears and Dave was our extra set of eyes and ears . He watched our back when we were focused and looking through the viewfinder . Sixty miles of coast are the habitat of the coastal brown bears in the area we were based . At this time of year they need as much fat they can get and one of the best source for that is the Silver Salmon and clams . A whole salmon provides no less then 4 . 000 calories and a single male has been seen eating no less then 50 salmon on one day . This is an exception and occurs only in areas where they are very easy to catch . Along the coast it 's definitely not easy . We 've only seen a bear catching a salmon twice . They were really struggling and even looked desperate at times . Winter is coming and they need to prepare . The mother can 't keep all for herself because the cubs have to make it through the winter as well so it 's a constant search for anything eatable . At low tide they start their search for clams and salmon . The mother seems to know exactly when to look for salmon and when to dig for clams . Salmon are not easy to catch , even in shallow water . The mother often sat on the bank looking for any movement in the water and ran at full speed trying to catch a fish and often standing up to have a better look . After catching a fish she often kept it for herself . The cubs were loudly begging for the freshly caught fish but the mother warned them aggressively not to come any closer when she was eating . She knows full well winter is coming and she needs every calorie to stay alive . She also needs the food to provide the cubs with milk , which contains 25 % fat . I witnessed a cub stealing half a salmon and it ran like hell . It 's all about survival and making it through the harsh winter . Clams are also a good source of protein and much easier to catch . The adults developed a good technic and know they have to dig fast because the clams dig deep and fast into the sand when they sense any movement . The cubs were still learning and watched their mother closely . Bears are preparing themselves for the winter and look for anything eatable . We even witnessed a mother bear breaking in a summer cabin . The owner closed it up for the winter and didn 't think a box containing pancake mix would cause any problems . He was wrong . The bears broke through the door and didn 't clean their mess afterwards . They left a real mess looking for more food . Bears can smell food from a distance no less then six miles . The owner will not make this mistake again . Being this close to a wild and powerful animal like the brown bear is an adventure I will never forget . I 've seen fights to the death on television and am well aware of what they can do . They can run at speeds up to 35 miles per hour , climb trees , swim and knock out Mike Tyson when he was in his prime . Disrespect a bear and you will pay the price big time ! The rules are simple . Don 't approach them , let them approach you . Don 't sneak up on them but let them know you are around . And most important try not to take the salmon like John West did in that commercial . Being close to them is a privilege and the best time I had was while taking portrait shots . I can 't deny I felt adrenaline rushing through my veins when a fully grown bear walks up to you within the focus distance of my 500 mill . I enjoyed every second of this trip . The food was outstanding and flying in and out with a bush plane flown by an 18 year old was interesting . It was my pleasure to co - lead this trip and I 'm hoping to do it again in 2016 . When I have whet your appetite with this blog and you want to experience this yourself , please have a look at our WEBSITE for more information . To be out in the field every day under sometimes challenging conditions can be hard . Our camera and lenses need to be up to these challenges and therefore we invest thousands to buy the best camera gear out there . Working in temperatures well below - 20C shouldn 't be a problem for modern cameras and batteries . Besides camera and lenses we also need to take care of ourselves . Working outside all day isn 't very pleasant when you 're cold . You can 't concentrate on your subject and it makes me grumpy to say the least . Therefore I like to invest in good clothing that is up to the job and I was very pleased to hear UF PRO wanted to support me on my next trip to Yellowstone National Park . UNI & FORMA was founded in 1997 with the vision to make high performance garment systems for demanding professionals . Under the brand name UF PRO , the garments are today worn by various military and law enforcement special forces , where they are appreciated for its excellent wear comfort , quality and reliability . UF PRO provided me the Delta Zero T jacket and the Delta OL over trousers . The Delta Zero T is the all - round jacket for extreme cold and rainy weather conditions and that 's all I need in a jacket when going out in cold weather conditions . When traveling we already take a heavy camera bag and tripod so I was very pleased when I noticed this jacket was very light in weight . Most insulated winter jackets are heavy and bulky but that doesn 't apply to the UF PRO Delta jacket . In Yellowstone the temperature can easily drop to minus 35C but I was convinced the G - Loft lining and double layer Gore - Tex laminate would keep me warm . When I arrived the temperature was around minus 4C and the jacket felt really comfortable . We had some snow fall on the first day and the snow was sliding off my jacket . All the zippers are finished with a water and windproof lining . The jacket kept me cool but not cold . Even after walking through deep snow I didn 't sweat at all and I normally sweat really quickly . On one of the first days I came across a hunting bobcat . It sat motionless for over three hours waiting for prey and I was standing still all the time in half a metre of snow . Still I didn 't feel the cold and I felt really comfortable . There was a slight breeze and the temperature dropped to around minus 8C . The hood protected me against the wind and I could still look round 180 degrees without my view being blocked by the hood . Everything about this jacket is well thought through . On my last morning in Yellowstone the temperature had dropped to minus 30C . Proper conditions to give this jacket a final test and it didn 't disappoint me . Even at minus 30C this jacket kept me cool without being cold . The double Gore - Tex laminate protected me against the snow and wind . The inner pockets are large enough to hold the extra batteries and keep them warm and charged . The outer chest pockets kept my memory cards at hand and also protected against the elements . The Delta OL over trousers are also very light in weight . I wanted to give these trousers a thorough test so I decided to only wear thin summer trousers underneath to see how these trousers would protect me against the cold , and test the flexibility when walking and kneeling in the deep snow . The Delta 2 . 0 trousers are equipped with the same G - LOFT lining and WINDSTOPPER outer material . Ergonomic construction with UF PRO FlexZone in the knee and back areas provide excellent mobility when kneeling or sitting . A little hook is easily attached to the boots and prevent the trousers from riding up when kneeling . Like the jacket , these trousers are also equipped with water repellent zippers . The detachable suspenders prevent the trousers from sliding down and are easily adjusted with the use of Velcro . My verdict is that both the jacket and trousers will protect against temperatures as low as minus 30C . I never felt cold or uncomfortable and without any doubt I can recommend both to everyone who 's working in extreme conditions . Both jacket and trousers are of uncompromising quality at a fair price . You can visit their website for more information and also to order directly . Click HERE to visit the UF PRO website and please contact me if you have any questions regarding this field test . A long wish has come true . For many years I wanted to visit Yellowstone in winter and this winter it was my turn to co - lead the trip with Danny Green . It didn 't disappoint me as I was blown away by its beauty and it felt I could easily spend a whole month exploring this place . Another great trip with Natures Images . This ten day trip has given me a pretty good impression of how the real wilderness should look like . True … we drive on man - made roads , drive in man - made vehicles and sleep in man - made hotels but nonetheless it 's easy to forget these things when you stand next to a river or on a snowy hill looking into the distance . The herds of bison , the lone wolf and coyote seem to do the same . They seem to look straight through you and now and then they make eye contact for just a second to tell you , you shouldn 't be there . The bison turned out bigger than I thought . Really impressive animal which seems to deal with the cold very well . But they do struggle . . they feed on everything growing on the ground but they have to move the snow first and what they eat has the nutrition of cardboard . It just takes away the hunger feeling I guess . The energy that keeps them going comes mainly from their fat supplies . I bet they look forward to the spring … . Another animal who struggle 's in winter is the Elk or Wapiti . Bigger than our red deer but closely related to each other . They even imported wapiti to the Netherlands to breed with our red deer . Although its genetically possible it turned out unsuccessful . During the winter the big horn sheep eats woody plants , such as willow , sage and rabbit brush . At the beginning of the nineteenth century , there were between 1 . 5 million to two million bighorn sheep in North America . Today , there are less than 70 , 000 . Sometimes labelled as carnivores but more often as omnivores , coyotes are opportunistic , versatile feeders and behave like the red fox . They are smaller than the wolf but certainly not less impressive up close . We had some great moments with the coyote and spotted them every single day . The close encounter we had at the beginning of the trip was simply magical . Making eye contact looking through the viewfinder was memorable . A species I did not expect was the Bobcat . Very hard to see because of their camouflage and size . They are smaller than the European Lynx and sit still for a very long time when hunting for wildfowl or birds . We were very lucky to get some pictures . Another lucky moment for the group was seeing this wolf feeding on a fresh kill . This elk was being consumed in a day or two by wolf , coyote , bald eagle and raven . Seeing a wild wolf from a close distance was impressive and memorable . 8 days driving around in Yellowstone park produced some great and unexpected images . Not only for me but for the whole group . The snow coach drivers John and Dave turned out very patient and professional . Us nature photographers can be very demanding at times and John and Dave seem to know that very well . They were great drivers and spotters . How they spotted that porcupine in that tree while driving will always be a mystery to me . Let me thank all the participants , John and Dave and of course all the animals in Yellowstone who have given us the opportunity to capture the beauty of winter . I 've seen my fair share of places in Europe and beyond , but one place seems to have it all … Iceland . I don 't consider myself a landscape photographer … far from it . In fact , before my recent trip to Iceland , I 've never ever taken a serious landscape image in my life . I have never been inspired to take one but Iceland has changed this . On our way along the coast heading east , we stopped at a stunning glacial lagoon . The ice was floating slowly towards the sea and , for the first time , I was triggered to get out my wide angle lens and my filter set , which I have had for many years but never made the effort to give them a go . It was both the stunning site and the wish to show people at home what I 'd just witnessed . The result was not bad at all and I was looking forward to do some more landscape photography . Although not as exciting as shooting wildlife , it has been a great experience to work with these stunning landscapes and dramatic skies . Divers have been on my wish list for a long time . I 've seen them many times in the past but never had the chance to spend some time with them . I knew Iceland would be the place to finally spend some proper time with these birds and I have not been disappointed . Both the great - northern diver and the red - throated diver were spotted many times and after a short but thorough recce , we knew where to photograph them . The best way is to take your time and return to these sites a couple of times to get the best out of it . These birds have been the highlight of this trip and I 'm very pleased with the images I 've taken : what stunning birds and so graceful . A bird that I only have seen as a winter visitor is the redwing . They were seen all over the island and are as common on Iceland as the blackbird in Holland . Nonetheless … it 's a beautiful bird in its summer plumage and a joy to photograph , especially on a beautiful perch or lichen covered rock . The red - necked phalarope was another personal target of mine . I have seen them in Norway but like the divers I 've never had the chance to do them properly . Spending time with these tiny and brave birds was a delight . Their behaviour made me smile many times and it 's amazing that they are spending such a long time at sea before heading inland to breed . It turned out not so easy to get some decent shots as they are very energetic and are always chasing insect in an unpredictable pattern . Harlequin Ducks prefer turbulent water , both in their breeding habitat , which is along fast - moving mountain streams , and in their wintering habitat , which is along rocky coastlines . The mountain streams are usually at low to subalpine elevations within a closed forest canopy , and have midstream gravel bars or rocks for roosting . The slavonian grebe was another stunning bird to photograph . They also breed on Iceland and their call is one to remember . As like the red - necked phalaropes , the slavonian grebe is not shy at all and relatively easy to photograph . The puffin also breeds in great numbers on Iceland . This puffin was resting on a rock and yawned every now and then . With his beak wide open it gave this sweet clownish looking bird some more attitude . It 's always fun to spend time with them . Iceland turned out an absolute personal highlight . The stunning landscapes , many bird species and fast changing weather makes this country a true paradise for serious nature photographers and bird watchers . Natures Images is well aware of this and knows how to make the most of it in a relative short time . In twelve days we have taken our guests to the best places in the best possible light . We have been returning to hotspots several times to make the most out of it . We have been soaking wet lying down in the water . We have been well fed in the finest restaurants . We have laughed until it hurts . We have driven over two thousand kilometres to take the group to the most productive places and listened to beautiful and rubbish music on the radio . The next trip to Iceland will be in 2015 and I can highly recommend this trip if you 're crazy about birds and don 't care about getting enough sleep . Let me thank everyone on this trip for their great company and effort . A special thanks to Mark Sisson and Danny Green for … well you know why . You both turned out real friends and you have my eternal gratitude . There 's a saying " There 's no such thing as cold , only bad clothing " I agree to a certain amount but even the best clothes will not keep you warm when standing still for a long time in - 30C at night . Waiting for the Northern Light is a static thing and the cold will creep up from your feet . My black parka and camera turned completely white with frost and for a moment I thought I was using a Canon , which scared the daylight out of me for a moment . All jokes aside , the Aurora was a magical experience . 25 seconds exposure worked well and we found a good spot down the road and on the frozen lake below . The sky was crystal clear and I can 't say I 've ever seen so many stars in Europe before . During the day we had a really good time with some of the most beautiful arctic bird species like Pine Grosbeak , Arctic Redpoll , Siberian Jay and Siberian Tit . Finding a nice perch turned out to be quite challenging . The birds were there but I had to find a nice perch to turn a beautiful bird into a beautiful picture of a bird . I ended up using some pine branches and a reindeer 's antler . Although a Siberian Jay was coming to the feeding station , it really proved difficult to get as it was so fast and never really stood still long enough for me to get an image . On the last day , one hour before driving back to the airport , I finally got the shot . Our trip also took us to Northern Norway . The arctic conditions made our journey a difficult one . Blizzards and complete white outs complicated our drive up north . But it 's all part of being high up inside the Arctic Circle and it completed our adventure . After a good night sleep we arrived in the harbour at first light to shoot eider ducks from a floating hide . I have been shooting eider ducks in the past but King Eider and Steller 's Eider were on my ' to do list ' for quite some time . The Steller 's Eider is the smallest and fastest flying of the eiders . We came across a small flock in the harbour where they spend the winter . The reflections of the harbour buildings made a perfect backdrop for this lovely duck . Although they kept their distance from the floating hide , I got some really nice stuff . The King Eider winters in arctic and subarctic marine areas , most notably in the Bering Sea and migrates to the Arctic tundra to breed in June and July . The male is such a stunning bird and sometimes they came within 10 feet of the hide . Also the Long - tailed Duck came very close to the hide at times and my first meeting with this bird became a memorable one . The same goes for their call ! Another memorable trip has ended and again my love for the arctic region is stronger than ever . Not long now for my next trip to Iceland and I will report here as soon as I 'm back home . Posted Welcome to my new blog and I hope you enjoy the content and that you are coming back soon to check for updates . I 've just returned from Poland to capture the wonderful sea eagle in all its glory . Together with Rene Visser we drove more than a thousand kilometres to our destination in central Poland . Our host and local guide was Marcin Nawrocki . He has been feeding the eagles for a couple of years now and although I 've seen eagles before , I have never seen so many birds at one place . One day we counted no less than 24 eagles feeding in front of our hide and two weeks earlier there were no less than 34 ! ! We had an amazing time in and outside the hide . Our accommodation was perfect and the food was excellent . We were hoping for snow and although we got some , it was not for long unfortunately . But … . I managed to get some decent stuff within the 10 minutes of snow we had all week . The eagles we saw were mainly youngsters and sub - adults but the all looked perfectly healthy and Marcin is only feeding them from October till March . During spring and summer the eagles feed along the river not far from the hides . For this trip I rented a Nikon 400 / 2 . 8 lens and it served me well . What a cracking lens this is . Very fast and sharp . The extra stop of light over my 500 lens was very useful and even at f / 2 . 8 I managed to get both birds in perfect focus . I always shoot wide open to get the fastest shutter speed I can and at the same time a nice shallow depth of field to get the background out of focus .

Is it not strange when all of a sudden you find that your eye has found a strange fixation with a squiggle on the floor ? It 's a dirty little squiggle - partly dirt and partly pink . It could have come from a shoe or a drop of red kool - aid . Will we ever know ? Of course , it could be something much more . Perhaps , that squiggle has adorned my kitchen floor for years only fading now . This squiggle slightly in the curving line of a drop of liquid might have been a drop of blood from another resident before me . That drop must have come from a dangerous duel with kitchen knives . I 'm certain that my resident survived by cutting the thumb off of her attacker causing the attacker to flee . Yet , the squiggle could simply bit of left over cherry kool - aid from that one party that my roommate decided to have while the rest of us were completing weekend activities . That squiggle dribbled into existence when a random boy visitor bumped into a next door neighbor in my kitchen . The impact of their bump caused her cup to fly from her hand . Thankfully , only a drip of red kool - aid remained in the bottom of her cup . This is the smudge left on the floor sticking to every tennis shoe or sock to pass over this squiggle . Did I mention that this lil couple is deep in date - love now ? It all started with that little smudge of red kool - aid . Sometimes , I think that the little squiggle may have been left by a joyful fairy with a drawing utensil on hand . While my roomies and I slept , this little fairy must have leapt from her hiding place to skip around our apartment , to recline in our Christmas tree , and to laugh at our large shoes . Surely , Miss Fairy discovered one of our red pens . Dragging it through the air , I think she must have dropped it just so over the kitchen floor resulting in a red squiggle . You know , that 's probably how that pen got on the floor that caused my poor roommate to lose her footing the next morning . She 's clumsy already , but random pens just don 't help the situation . Thankfulness is the kind of thing that just strikes you in the gut when you least expect it . Chilling in the car , driving through the hills to my hometown , I 'm just blown over by the absolute contrast of the trees against the sky . My heart lifts - ballooned by thankfulness . I have so much to be thankful for . I watched Zombieland this week . Not the best movie , but it does leave a good feeling in your toes . One of the rules shared in the movie to survive the zombie infestation is simple . Enjoy the little things . EnJOY the little things . That 's where attitude and gratitude and gratefulness come in . Life stinks , right ? Well , choose to focus on those small little things . For example , I 'm swamped with papers all due the same day ( yeah , I know . what prof would do that ? ! Three of mine ) . In which case , I just have to choose to enjoy using my favorite pen as I read stacks of journal articles and scribble all over them . A pen is such a little thing , but it gives me cause to be thankful . If you read this today , then please enjoy the little things . But , I 'm actually hoping that you don 't read this today ( Thanksgiving Day ) - why ? Because I think you should be out , enjoying people in your life that love you best . Or maybe you ought to just be loving others better than you 've been loved . Hands on the steering wheel and eyes trained on the road , I sat slouched in the driver 's seat headed towards home for a wedding . One of my best friends from high school sat next to me and her boyfriend lounged behind her in the backseat . Conversation flowed easily around school activities and life as we tried to make up for the months of minimal conversation and no visits . Sitting next to { J } , I could not help but notice that she and her boyfriend always seemed to be touching . Nothing was inappropriate . They just reveled in the other 's presence . An hour away from our destination , { J } climbed into the backseat with her boyfriend { P } . Suddenly , I became chauffer . I took the opportunity to ask them , " What have been the most challenging and growing thing about your relationship ? " { P } thought for a moment and replied , " I have never been so known by another human being . It 's both good and terrifying . " Reading through Crazy Love by Francis Chan , a chapter that resonated deeply with me used this title , " When You 're in Love . " As far as I know , I have never been in love . Yet , I see what love looks like . My mother is forever serving the widows on my street by doing chores for them , bringing them food , and just visiting them . That is love . My father sits on the couch every night and rubs my mother 's feet . That is love . The chapter gave the example of Grandma Clara who spent many hours in prayer and how just the sight of that space " would bring joy - filled tears and a deep anticipation of the next morning spent kneeling in His presence " ( Chan 100 ) . Upon reading that , I circled it and wrote in the margin , " May I be like this please ? " During the summer , I delighted in spending hours with Jesus . One specific occasion , my cousins grumbled at the amount of time I had spent in devotion to my Lord Jesus . I could only smile and say , " This time is so good because during the school year I just don 't have the amount of time that I want to spend with Jesus . " via When people see { J } and { P } together , their affection is apparent . If people cannot see their exchanged small smiles and eye connections , they can most definitely see their desire to be always touching . This is how I want to be with Jesus . I want my love for Him to be full of small smiles , heart connections , and hand holding . Part of loving is giving . It means serving your neighbors , your friends , your spouse , and your co - workers . In the chapter entitled " Your Best Life … Later " , Chan talks about giving liberally and generously and God will bless it . With a red pen , I boxed this paragraph in writing beside it , " What does this look like ? " Truly , I want to know what it is to give liberally and totally as often as possible . Giving of yourself and loving your neighbors is not easy . You have to go out of your way to find a way to serve those around you . When my family first moved into a new neighborhood , we knew no one . People did their own thing . Yet , when winter rolled around , my mom began a secret mission . When it snowed , we all bundled up and shoveled our elderly neighbors ' driveways . We were eventually found out , but not before we earned the name " Snow Angels . " My mother always had time to serve our neighbors . Now that I am not at home , I have to find new ways to serve . I don 't live in a neighborhood , but I do live in a community of a dormitory . I deeply desire to be obsessed with Jesus and His heart . Francis Chan gives a " Profile of the Obsessed " in a chapter . With each section , I have underlined and scribbled notes by sections - each a plea that I might become a picture of this profile . Yet , it is so scary . Of course , I do not become obsessed in one day . It 's a step by step process of love . My father tells me often , " I love your mother more today than I did yesterday and even on our wedding day . " I always ask , " Really ? " I just cannot believe that love can keep growing . My dad responds emphatically to my doubting question with a firm " yes " . If my father knew the difficulties , he would face in his marriage to my mom when they first started out he wouldn 't have been able to deal with it . Step by day , my dad loves my mom more deeply because of this daily journey . Human love is very different than the perfect love of a savior ; however , this earthly love and examples of it from my parents have hugely influenced me to love more like Jesus in my own life . Forever , I seem to disgust myself with my selfishness . Living in a family , you are always given a chance to serve family members . College is such a me - focused place . Of course , homework should be finished . Sleep is necessary . When I have the opportunity to serve , school seems to interfere . A lot of people would probably describe me as loving ; yet , I know that I have so far to go . I desire to live in the Spirit and love people as Jesus did . If I love Jesus , generosity and obsession shall follow . Already , I love Jesus and I am generous while occasionally being obsessive . Of course , I want to be crazy in love with Jesus - that 's different than being a good person or good Christian . Here 's the thing . I 've never been more busy than I have this semester and some things have fallen by the wayside - like this blog . Every day , things happen and I think to myself , " I need to blog about that . " Or a funny rambling thought will narrate my walk from dorm to class . Yet , I just don 't have the time to blog it . I am sorry . I am sorry for me and I am sorry for you since I like to be present in everything that I do . + On Sunday , I had three choir concerts . Yes , that is quite the feat . I also want to share with you all that I decided to wear teal India pants underneath my floor - length black choir dress . Only the girls knew of this unusual under - things for my dress . + This morning , I could have gone outside without a coat . But guess what , a cold front moved in . Therefore , by evening , I was shivering even in my coat . + On Saturday , I played with three kids at a host home . At the end of our playtime , the children were all proclaiming their love for me and saying , " Will you be our nanny ? " I 've never really considered being a nanny before . + I figured out recently that I 'm taking an equivalent of 30 - some hours of school and such . This is why you never see me on here anymore . I 'm hoping for a respite mid - December . I find farting hilarious . Yes , I 'm one of those people . Perhaps , you think it 's gross . I think it 's funny . It causes such awkward and amusing situations . And this is not the first time that I 've talked about farting . Curious ? Yeah , I thought so . Just go search the word " fart " in the above search box for my blog . You know you want to . It 's amazing that we made it out of that book store alive . I was crying I was laughing so very hard . There are stories from confirmed farters . There are stories from those who are married to Farters and from those who were innocent by - standers . Yes , I just turned the word " fart " into a noun . Life just got a bit more funny . Do you give blood ? I give blood . No , not every time . When I can , I give blood . Generally when I tell girls that I plan on giving blood , they get all shivery and squirmy on me as though by saying " give blood " I have physically become the nightmarish needle . Hey , I don 't like needles anymore than the next person ; however , why should I be afraid of something that I will have to deal with at least annually at the doctor 's ? Shots and needles will plague us so do the mind - over - matter thing . It 's more or less worked for me . I give blood when I can ( usually I can 't give blood because I 've traveled out of the country ) . I give blood because why can I not suffer the pain of maybe ten minutes to an hour so maybe another person can be given some of life 's blood ? If I were dying or in dire need of healthy blood , I would want people to willingly donate their blood so I might live another day . My experiences of donating blood have not been rosy - actually far from it . You see , I have small veins . A majority of the time , the needle must be moved while in my arm to get the vein since it is missed upon the first try . To say that the pain is not bad would be a terrible lie . I have a high pain threshold . The pain of that small needle being moved in my arm has taken me very close to fainting multiple times . Less than three years ago , my aunt decided to chase a dream . She began writing . Every time that our families got together , she 'd spend a portion of her day sitting at her computer writing . It 's not really until now that I actually realize the importance of chasing one 's dreams . After a valiant struggle with my laptop over the installation of a new internet security program , I finally won . It took four hours . Did I ever mention that I 'm not the most computer - savvy ? Yeah , that would be my brother 's realm . Also , I tend to be stubborn so I was not about to admit defeat to a computer that is basically a very smart inanimate object . So I didn 't ask for help . Ergo , four hours later , I did a happy dance in the middle of my living space meaning that I fell over backwards with satisfaction onto the floor - to an onlooker , I might have appeared to be a dead possum . Staring at the ceiling , I sighed heavily before I started the scariness that is my homework . Currently , I soothe the wrinkles that might have become permanently etched in my forehead by listening to Nat King Cole croon " Embrace me , you irreplaceable you . " Perhaps I 'll waltz around my kitchen space by myself - it might be reminiscent of an elephant - but , hey . We can 't all be angelic ballerinas so pardon me while I go thump out a beat . Embraceable You with Nat King Cole I 'm not much of a cook . I 'd rather bake , eat someone else 's food , or read a book - no , seriously . Also , have you ever noticed that if you get a bunch of women into the kitchen and they all like to cook that a strange tension occurs because they all want to contribute something ? Suddenly , you 've got a bunch of women fighting over one oven and limited counter space . It 's a turn off . Therefore , I steer clear of the kitchen and cooking and lots of women in small spaces . Anywho . I recently discovered that I like experimenting ( in empty kitchens without many women about ) . I 'll take a normal recipe and funk it up ( I like doing that with clothing and outfits , too ) . Yesterday , I discovered a new favorite cooking experimentation . It includes the following ingredients : onion , garlic , egg , bread , cheddar cheese , butter , and tomato . Basically , I make a gourmet grilled cheese sandwhich . Saute up the onion and garlic . Drop an egg in the pan with the onion and garlic . Cook it . Remove from the pan . Then , do the normal grilled cheese deal ( I had never made grilled cheese before this time ) which means a buttered piece bread with butter side down on the pan and cheese melting on the other side . Once the cheese is sufficiently melted and the bread is wonderfully browned , scoop the bread off the pan . Place sliced tomato on the cheese and then cram the egg mess that you made before on top of this bread - cheese - tomato - conglomeration . Then , put another bread lid onto it . AND SHHHHhhh - bam , you 've got a delicous , filling , and semi - healthy meal waiting to be eaten . So I 'm not much of a cook . But , this sandwhich really makes me happy . So you should probably try it or experiment with your own . You know . . . somebody has probably already created this sandwhich before . 1 . My phone took a dive into the toilet . Although we resuscitated it with the prescribed rice bed rest , the poor thing suffered a post traumatic stress disorder induced heart attack and died . via 2 . Phoneless , I got stood up at a date with a friend because I couldn 't remind her via text that we were supposed to meet up . It 's cool . I 'm good at being alone most days . 3 . After grocery shopping the other day , a gallon of 2 % milk tried escaping my trunk . It did . It escaped , but it 's side split as it came in contact with the concrete . The milk gushed all over my shoes and my friend 's shoes . 4 . I picked up my face wash pump and it slipped from my fingers falling to the floor . The neck of the bottle broke when it slammed into the bathroom floor . I 'm just a killer of inanimate objects . 5 . My friends and I went dumpster diving . We came back with a bag full of blue plastic forks and a spidery thing . Dumpster diving . . . the treasure hunt of college kids . Right . Do you want a blue fork ? We 've got plenty . And now , I should stop . Why ? Because if I keep writing , eventually I 'll have to share all the good things that have happened in the past week or so . Not to mention that complaining can just be plain boring ! Hopefully , this has given you a chuckle or two . If it hasn 't . . . then , you 'd better go back through this and laugh a little bit more . This morning , I rolled groggily out of bed to go jogging with a friend . As it draws closer to winter , it becomes more and more difficult to get out of bed so early in the morning with the cool darkness still holding the world . My friend and I jogged our usual . At the end of it , we were greeted by a splendid spillage of light streaming forth from the sun 's awakening . We gasped in awe of the beauty streaking around us . When we turned back to return the way we had come , the contrast of sky struck us . We had jogged from darkness and had run to the light . Unfortunately , our path called us back to the darkness we had run from . As we walked , the light followed us - slowly overpowering the darkness . As my friend and I approached the place where we would leave the river , a rainbow began its ascent into the sky . Every color of the rainbow stood out vibrantly - even a deep shade of indigo and violet . My friend and I wrapped our arms around each other . Gaping in awe and grinning in giddiness , she and I wondered at this colorful signature of God . For it could be nothing less . We ran from darkness , but we were called back to it . And with our faithful steps , God promised that He would never leave nor forsake us . And then , HE signed the sky with a full arch of a rainbow and a gossamer gleam of another rainbow . He is faithful . All of this week , I feel that I have walked around with a permanent crease in my forehead . I have been thinking about what joy is and how it could ever factor into suffering . I don 't even know where to begin in all of this . Another thought bouncing around in my head has to do with Job . A speaker yesterday said , " I 've heard other preachers say that it 's okay for us to be angry with God because HE can take it . Oh , He CAN take it . Of course , have you ever read Job ? God sits him down and takes him to task . " God can taking our yelling . Oh , yes . But , can we take HIS ? I don 't think so . Job 40 A small pinprick of light burst through the heavy curtain hanging across the window . The beam firmly landed upon Justin , who curled around his knees with his hands locked in front of his shins . The star of light drilled into the fabric of his shirt . Eyes shut . He felt the slow , incessant warmth of the light on his chest . Justin 's eyes burst open and zeroed in on the light that glowed on his shirt . His hands tightened and then let go . Uncontained by these clasped hands , Justin exploded into a spasm of movement . Like a gawk - ish and injured adolescent , he leapt towards the window . His breath grunted forth from his lungs . Justin 's hands shook as he gripped the thick blackness overwhelming the window . Jerking the fabric , Justin tried desperately to pull the curtain back over the pinprick of light that spewed forth . His arms bowed and his back curved making it difficult for him to adjust the blackness . His breath wailed from his lungs and hissed through his teeth . With one mighty pull , Justin tried to shut out the light . The black fabric gave . A terrible tearing ricocheted throughout the room . Light spilled through the shredded curtain into the blackness of Justin 's created cave . Justin fell to his knees covering his eyes with his hands . His mouth moved frantically but no sound came forth . The warmth of the light illuminated the piles of crap and puddles of urine that covered the floor . The walls , smeared with excrement , glowed an eerie green - brown . Justin in the presence of the light shivered in a cowering huddle on the floor . Although clothed , Justin 's clothes and skin seemed to be as one . Eyes clamped firmly shut , Justin reached out desperately for the thick black fabric . A strip languished by the window barely holding on . The rest lay in a heap on the floor near Justin . His wandering fingertips brushed the fabric and like a striking viper , Justin quickly grasped the curtain . Pulling it to himself , Justin rocked onto his heels comforting himself with this thick blackness . Rising to his feet with his eyes still shut , Justin felt for the pegs that held the fabric . Finding one , Justin looped the curtain onto it . Shuddering , He tried to stretch the fabric to the other side of the window . It did not reach . Justin squeaked in agony . Hands gripping his shirt , Justin tore the thin fabric . It came apart like tissue paper . He flung thEyes shut . Justin dragged himself back to the place across from the entrance of light . Crumpling down , Justin locked his hands around his shins . His chin fell to his chest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I 'd like to think that I 'm an avid observer of the human population . Yes , I am one of those people who would happily discard a good book ( and I love reading ) to people watch in an air port or even a shopping center . You see all kinds . This year , I am a senior in college . This does mean that many people have begun to ask me many questions in relation to the future . Let me give you my best answer . I don 't know . Now , that we 've gotten that figure out , I 'll move right along . As human beings , we have a way of allowing ourselves to permit seniority to fill our brains with dreams of glory and esteem . Suddenly , we think that we are on top of the world ( sure we might be on top of our itty - bitty college world but that 's nothing ) . This moment is very dangerous . This moment is dangerous because if we buy into the idea that we are , in fact , pretty hot stuff , we might begin to believe that the world always meant to hand things to us . Rather than work for excellence in everything we do , we figure that Seniority is enough . We lose our desire to learn . In essence , we expect age to matter . We expect seniority to matter . Oh , it does matter . It means that the rest of the school is almost rid of you . If you are expecting everything that you ever desired to fall into your lap , then people might be happy to rid themselves of your slovenly and lackluster ways . Really ? ! Get over yourself . Senioritis is so not attractive . Seniors have the unique opportunity to pour everything that they 've learned from previous years into their last year . Also , seniors can reach out and encourage freshman and newbies in ways that they haven 't before . Senior year is not the time to slack off . The end of anything is not the time to slack off . Gosh , darn it . Finish Strong . I like men , I 'll admit . They 've got some pretty cool things going for them . Here 's a list that I 've compiled in honor of some men in my life . 3 . Chivalry - I can get the door myself ; yet , it 's so much better if you make a point to get it even before I 've considered the fact that I need to go through that door . This goes for other things , too ( " Let me take those heavy bags for you . Oh , they 're not heavy ? Let me take them anyway . " ) 4 . " Wait , that 's your sister ? ! ( you treat her so well that I know that you 'd treat your girlfriend even better . Sign me up ! ) " 5 . Intentionality - Choose one girl and pursue her . Don 't go playing with every available heart . Nothing burns like the anger of a woman ( or many women ) . 6 . A Man who cries - You get more man points for this because we don 't doubt your manhood . In my mind , you 're identity as a man is sealed because I appreciate a man who can be real . 7 . Cleanliness - I love a man who takes care of himself . It shows someone who 's serious about all realms of life . Also , the smell of such a man is real nice . I 'll stand near to him . I 'm not much of a memorizer . That was always my sister . This summer , I memorized this entire chapter from Isaiah . It was a different version . However , I decided that I liked the expounded version of this one compared to the one that I memorized . I think this chapter is rich because it spills forth the promises of God . He doesn 't think like we do and still He promises so much to us . So be joyous for there is a God in Heaven who desires to fulfill promises to us . My great aunt loves them . Children love them . We 've got stores devoted to them such as Build - a - Bear and then all the knock off stores . We 've got Winnie the Pooh . Teddy Bears ( dubbed so after Theodore Roosevelt ) are a favorite of America . Now , if that was much too haunting for you , we 'll go for a more European look . This teddy has a good if random life . I 'm wondering if he 's a photo - bomber . Yes , I think I want to be this girl with her teddy in the woods with balloons . After all , anything can happen . Balloons grow on trees . This may seem quite random to you . However , I visited my aunt this week and I admired her teddy bear collection . I thought it was only right that I might do a bit of blogging about these wonderful teddy bears . Of course , this post focused more on the fun and random . This blog is like my brain sometimes ( but , not always - so don 't freak out , mom ) . Once upon a time , there was a girl who hated to cry . Bad things happened in life , but she refused to cry . When her heart broke , tears refused to surface . via Then times would come when she knew that she ought to cry . The girl wanted to cry , but couldn 't seem to . In the quiet of an empty room , the girl whispered to herself , " It 's okay . Now , you can cry . " No tears ever came . To this girl , tears portrayed weakness . Tears were for those who could not take care of themselves or who wanted to manipulate others to their own desires . And for vanity 's sake , tears made one 's skin motley , red , and puffy . As this girl journeyed through life and continued to refuse to cry , she met many people . A curious thing happened . Some of these people were not afraid to cry and some shared the girl 's own feeling of distaste toward tears . Yet , this girl found herself drawn to those who shed tears openly . They seemed freer somehow . These tear - shedders walked lightly and were not ashamed of their vulnerability . In time , the - girl - who - could - not - cry discovered that she had begun to respect these others who felt no shame in crying . " You must learn to cry . " These told her . " I hate crying ? " The girl tried to say emphatically but ended in a question . With the passing of time , tears began to entice her . Crying seemed to hold such freedom and release . Life brought this girl pain after pain . Never did a tear slid down her face or fog her eye . She went staunchly on ; yet , out of the corner of her eye , the girl wistfully caught sight of those who freely shed tears on her behalf . On rainy days , the girl sprinted out to meet the teardrops of the sky . As these fresh water tears splashed on her face , the girl pretended that these drops of water came from her own heart . The rain danced down her cheeks as the girl spun in the rain with arms opened wide finally accepting the crying of the sky . Her pain seemed best expressed through this sky encapsulating cry . Yet , only the fresh water of clouds cascaded down her face . Life continued bringing the girl both new pains and renewing old ones . And yet , things had changed somehow . No longer did she face these hurts in the same way that she had before . Before , she had chosen to be strong and show no weakness . Now , the girl wanted to embrace the freedom that she saw in the tear - shedders . On a day with no rain but lots of wind , the girl climbed a hill and considered her life . Abruptly , she sat amongst the tall grass . Looking at her hands , the girl noticed a small yellow bud of a flower by her knee . The flower 's petals were crushed , bruised , and ripped . Yet , the flower still sought the sunshine . Just like she did . The girl 's throat tightened as she stared at the flower . Her mind raced . Surely , she would choke and die . Breathing seemed difficult with this strange tightening of the throat . Emotion rushed to her eyes and a liquid warmth filled her eyes and spilled over . The girl let the tears come . She did not wipe them away . She did not laugh in embarrassment . She cried freely . Her skin became blotchy and red . Snot dripped from her nose . And you know what ? This girl was beautiful in her tears . . . . " A princess 's tears are prized the world over . For centuries , caravans and traders traveled across sand and sea looking for this rare find . Like invisible ink , they are used to compose the sweetest of songs , the most beautiful poetry , and the most adoring love letters . For break - up letters or insults , use crocodile tears . " Perfectionism creates a fear within me that I shall not be enough and that the work I do will not be enough to please those around me . Sometimes , it freezes me up so much that I can 't move even a teeny tiny step forward . via I 'd love to be perfect . To be perfect would mean no mistakes and no fear of anything - after all , I would be perfect . Perfectionism - " a personal standard , attitude , or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less . " ( found at dictionary . com ) Mistakes are rarely world - ending . After all , has the world ended yet ? Nah , it still seems somewhat intact although it does seem to be hanging on by only a few threads in some places . Mistakes create learning experiences . Mistakes remind us that we are imperfect individuals ( we can relate to complete strangers in our imperfections ) . via Perfectionism . It puts a bad taste in my mouth . I am not perfect . I shall never be perfect . My desire to reach perfection is like trying to reach Nirvana . Impossible . via I hate that I 'm not perfect . I hate my brokeness . I 'm not perfect and I have nothing to offer . And yet . And yet , a flawless and perfect God loves me . He chooses to pursue me , a girl who terrorized babysitters and teachers alike with my stubborn , pig - headed ways - a girl with a sullied heart . Although I was once a curse , He 's has turned me into a blessing . This Creator God who could have turned away from His creation chooses rather to turn toward His creation with love . He bought my heart with His life ( when I give it away for much less ) . He died for me . He scarred Himself for me . I am imperfect meaning that I 'm a bit broken in places . It 's a good thing that this God who loves me is in the business of healing . via A couple of nights ago , I had a date with John Rambo . Sitting in the guest bedroom that I 've called home for the past three months , I sat riveted to the television as I watched Sylvester Stallone in First Blood . Truly , I 'm a chick flick kind of girl when it comes to movies . However , I asked my cousin recently for his favorite movies . He proffered The Hunt for Red October , First Blood , and First Blood part II . I found The Hunt for Red October to be right up my alley ( I like to think ) - it was described as a giant game of chess with the chess pieces being the navies of the United States and the Soviet Union . First Blood , on the other hand , chilled my blood . As I told my cousin later , my stuffed elephant , Horton , ended up in my lap for the latter half of the movie because he was scared . Yes , this is my creative way of saying that I might have been a tad nervous - maybe scared . For the past couple of years , I have noticed that my friends have a propensity to compare different people to Rambo . For example , " Dude ! Did you see that girl ? She 's crazy like Rambo . " Now , I had no idea who this Rambo was . Apparently , he is crazy . Obviously , he 's got great fighting skills and a bit rough around the edges . I didn 't know this . I was just assuming from the comparisons that had been made . After watching First Blood , it all becomes clear . Rambo is a manly man . We 're talking muscles , deep voice , scars , a mysterious history , a decorated past , etc . Did I mention the muscles - as in Rambo has more muscle in his one muscle than I do in my entire body ? He 's America 's favorite type of hero . He 's misunderstood . Rambo chooses to place himself against the world or perhaps it 's America that put Rambo in that position . We sympathize with this brooding , muscular man . Will Teasle , the sheriff who awakens the inner beast of Rambo , is also a man . He 's a man with a family , a town , deputies , and a respected position . He wants to protect what he has . The sheriff hates drifters for the trouble they could stir up so he moves them right along . Although more common in America than Rambos , the movie displays Will as ignorant , discriminatory , and frankly just plain dumb . We don 't sympathize with this domineering , angry man . Both Rambo and Will are overwhelmed by blood lust and pride . Their dispute with each other does not begin so much in words as it does with action . Rambo requests a meal and Will drives him right out of town . Will strips Rambo of all dignity and in return Rambo does the same to Will . Neither one is willing to let go of their blood lust and their pride . Throughout the entire movie , I kept thinking to myself , " Will is a dead man . " Rather than follow the advice of people who were familiar with Rambo and his nature , Will refused to back down ( I suppose this is a quality that would make him a good sheriff ) . However , it marked him as dead and foolish for not following wise advice . At the end of the movie , Rambo breaks down and speaks more than he did in the entire first hour and fifteen minutes of the film . His iron exterior hid a broken individual . I cannot help but feel awe for this character that showed extreme ingenuity and strength throughout the film . It is appealing . However , a lot of trouble , death , explosions could have been saved if Rambo had simply started the movie with vulnerability and humbleness . I suppose this would not have made much of a movie , though . Rambo is the epitome of masculine inspiration . The less talking , the more explosions , the better ! Rambo might be able to go through his movie existence like this , but I sure hope men aren 't taking their cues from Rambo . Life will be less difficult if they share a bit more and drop the iron exterior more often . As a girl , I definitely found Rambo pretty amazing . No , I don 't wish to have his muscles nor do I want his voice ( neither do I find super - muscle men very attractive - ever heard the phrase " all brawn , no brains ? " ) . However , that savvy nature knowledge I could go for . Yet , I think Rambo and Will reminded me the snares of pride , judging by appearance , and the necessity of vulnerability . Don 't worry about my stuffed elephant , Horton ! Although he got nervous at parts , I know he 's excited about watching First Blood part II . I , on the other hand , might be hiding under the covers of my bed . via I 've got this itch . It starts in the valley of my knuckles and slowly spreads to take over my entire self . This itch dances across my skin and skitters through my brain ( yes , through my brain ! ) . My fingers don 't scratch this itch . This peculiar sensation is alleviated by time spent dreaming . This itch seems to intensify as I place my head amongst the clouds and begin to think of traveling the world . For now , I state - hop . I like to think of it as my strange little jig where I meet fun people and see strange sights . It 's like the preparation for the country - hopping I 'll hopefully do one day . My summer shenanigans have included adventures in Indiana , Michigan , Mississippi , Pennsylvania , Missouri , and Texas . Yeah , this was all pretty much somewhat planned by yours truly . Upon my first evening in the hotel , I walked down to the lobby and passed the indoor pool . Sitting as cool as you please in the jacuzzi were two cowboys in swimming trunks with cowboy hats set squarely upon their heads . I exclaimed , " LOOK ! Cowboys wearing their cowboy hats in the jacuzzi . " I 'm really glad that the indoor swimming area was enclosed . Hopefully , they didn 't hear me . A favorite thing of Mississippi is how a majority of people use " yes , sir " and " yes , ma ' am . " With their southern purr , I feel as though I 'm being wooed with these two little words especially since they keep saying " yes " to me . I also love seeing all these baby cows everywhere . They are just TOO cute ! Missouri reminds me of my home state . It 's full of hills and mountains . When I see hills covered in trees and quaint homes , I feel right at home . My heart warms and a smile of contentment fills my face . My state - hopping shall soon come to an end . In some senses , I don 't mind . However , I have to say that my itch to travel abroad has picked up . Here 's to dreaming and to funny people ! I 've heard that line a lot . Mostly in movies to irresponsible characters and sometimes to myself . Over the past couple of months a thought has been very much on the fore front of my mind . Family . I am thankful for my family . Because we 're crazy . Because we don 't get along perfectly . Because we know how to irritate each other in the least amount of time possible . And yet , we love each other . I don 't know how or why we love each other , but somehow we do . In my family , I 'm the oldest child - the guinea pig , the test drive child , the one that the parents learned on . I had 18 lovely years at home in the security of the family nest . I had 16 years with my sister where we lived under the same roof and only 13 years with my brother . I adore these kiddos . My mom - she drives me crazy ( yep , she 'll probably see this ) . We 're very alike ; yet , we 're not . She speaks her mind always ( a blunt honesty that makes me cringe , but i 'm also slightly jealous of ) . My mother has a servant 's heart - that is how she chooses to love on people . My mother is a solution - finder . My mom is the one who carries home - made bread to the neighbors - not on a yearly basis , but more on a weekly basis . She 's a good steward of the things that she 's been given . My dad - he 's a quiet soul , but there 's a lot more to him than meets the eye . We 're also very alike ; yet , different . After all , I 'm a girl and he 's a guy . Growing up , people commented on how much I looked like him ( except that i was a girl ) . My dad has the gift of encouragement . He uses words . He uses hugs . He uses music ( did i mention that he recently decided to relearn guitar ? ) . I have never doubted his love for me or his belief in my ability to succeed . He 's steadfast . My sister - another quiet soul with a charismatic creativity . She 's the type that walks into department stores , eyes up the clothing , returns home , and creates the desired item ( why didn 't I get that ability ? ! ) . She 's a listener . She 's sweet in an innocent and loving way . I like to say that she 's my built - in best friend ( on a side note , when we were youngsters , we rarely fought . But when we did , it was fast and furious ) . My brother - a technical friendly genius who likes to help people . My brother has befriended a good handful of elderly neighbors and is aiding them with their computer abilities . Never have I met such a boy with such a heart to serve other people . He 's always been a smiley person with an eagerness to please others . Although he leaves me in the dust with his technical talk sometimes , he definitely is a help to have around when one can 't figure out the TV , DVD , and Dish ( seriously , tech - savvy brothers should be a part of the package for these things ) . It 's so easy to take the things right in front of you for granted . It 's easy to see everything bad about these people who live so close to your own life . It 's so easy to complain about what we don 't have or what we do have . But , can you practice thankfulness even when you don 't feel like being thankful ? Life moves quickly . So be thankful . What kind of awesome family do you have ? Feet in hot pink mud boots with a basket on her arm , my cousin set out with me on a walk . We went in search of wild flowers . For days , we 'd been driving down these country roads watching black - eyed susans nod their heads at us . For days , queen anne 's lace sophisticatedly taunted us from the windy freedom of the side of the road . As the hot sunshine made sweat slide down our backs and our mud boots plodded along the road , our eyes searched out bright bits of colors . Like children ( for we are children sometimes ) , we hunted out these treasures of color . Long before our walk had ended , our basket brimmed with flowers . My cousin walking beside me sighs and says to me , " I feel so relaxed right now . I don 't really know why I wasn 't relaxed before , but now I am . " I looked at her oddly . Musing on her words , I could only thing that sunshine , flowers , buzzing flies , sweat , and a comfortable camaraderie are therapeutic . More than that , we were participating in an activity that girls had done for decades . We sought beauty . Summer begs for idyllic adventures and simple activities with those one loves . It 's so easy to appreciate pictures of nature from the view of our couch and computer , but there is nothing like a personal snapshot of nature that one sees in the midst of the bugs , sweat , and sunshine . Perhaps a personal snapshot won 't last as long as paper and ink ; however , a personal snapshot is like a slideshow that never stops . Keep creating these moments for yourself and others . In twenty years , I might not remember this wildflower walk . But , I will remember this summer spent with my cousins . And who knows , my cousin might recall this walk . I considered myself to be the epitome of un - athleticism . I took a basketball gym class this past semester . I told my friends that " I humiliate myself by the minute . " I thought it was funny . When these friends asked me why I didn 't take bowling or something for the less athletic , I responded , " If I 'm going to take a gym class , I want to take a gym class ! No faking for me . " Going to that class once a week truly tested my resolve and my pride . I may have a body , but I 'm not naturally good at athletics . No , sir . I 'm more of the type that will sit by the sideline reading a book while fans are on all sides of my cheering their little hearts out . I 'm living with my cousins . Did I mention that they are all quite athletic and sports minded ? Yep , that was a huge adjustment . I surprised myself . I 'm jogging three times a week with my boy cousin . I can do some men push - ups . I 've played soccer and basketball . I didn 't die . I may not be amazing , but apparently I 've got a bit of a competitive spirit . Twice a week , most of the family goes to play basketball at a small Christian high school . Nicole and I play even though she 's barely hit middle school and I 'm in the exit lane from college . We get drenched in sweat . I 'm talking that I sweated through 2 shirts . Yeah , I 'm still grossed out about that . For a long time , sports and I were not friends . Perhaps it had something to do with my dislike of sweating . Perhaps , it had to do something with my pride and desire to do everything that I tough perfectly . I don 't know . However , I think sports and I may have come to a truce . Sports help me to get past myself . Suddenly , I need to think about the team . If I worry about myself too much , we all lose ! I lose because I didn 't try and my team loses the use of one player . Sports are supposed to be fun . right ? Well , I 'm going with that idea . Challenge of the Day : get over yourself and try something new and be a good sport even if you 're not very good at said thing ( it 's a stretching experience ! ) . A sock landed near my face . As the stench wafted towards me , I groaned and rolled over . " Isaac , don 't throw your dirty socks at me . " Laying on my back , I turned my head to see my five - year - old son staring at me with big pleading eyes . He was the spitting image of his father , the man that I had loved who had left me five years ago leaving me with a newborn child . Shutting my eyes , I tried to block out the flood of painful memories . " Yes , dear . Go grab your cars . " As Isaac scurried out of the room bumping into furniture , I sat up . Working nights tended to be difficult on a person ; however , it was the only way that I could spend time with my precious boy . Thankfully , caring for the elderly usually wasn 't that difficult . Every once in a while , Room 234 gave me a couple of issues but that was rare and far between . Isaac toted his bag full of hot wheel cars into the small living room . Our apartment consisted of one bedroom , kitchen , bathroom , and a small living space . For a single mom , it wasn 't bad . It helped that my brother had been friends with the owners of the building . Running my hand through my hair , I felt the greasy residue of not having showered for a couple of days on my hand . " Hmmm . Mommy needs a shower , Isaac . " " Okay , let 's play . " Playing cars allowed us both to escape into a world where there were no tired mommies and no bad little boys . Together , we just got to enjoy life through colored pieces of metal . " Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate . Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure . It is our light not our darkness that frightens us . We ask ourselves ' who am I to be brilliant , gorgeous , talented and fabulous ? ' Actually , who are you not to be ? You are a child of God . Your playing small doesn 't serve the world . There 's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won 't feel insecure around you . We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us . It 's not just in some of us ; it 's in everyone . And as we let our own light shine , we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same . As we are liberated from our own fear , our presence automatically liberates others . " Inaction breeds doubt and fear . Action breeds confidence and courage . If you want to conquer fear , do not sit home and think about it . Go out and get busy . " Most of my summer so far has been me experiencing new challenges in every area of my life . Suddenly , I 'm realizing that somehow I need to balance growth in every area of my life . How do I manage all of this ? I don 't know . Mostly , I 'm just afraid . I 'm afraid of failure . I 'm afraid of disappointing those I love . I 'm afraid of wasting peoples ' time . I don 't sing in the shower anymore . I brood . I don 't dance much anymore because I 'm afraid people will see . I stare into the sky . How glad am I that God is not legalistic and that I don 't have to follow a bajillion rules to please Him . I 'd fail or never start following the rules because I 'd be afraid of messing up . Silly me , allowing fear to sap the strength from the bones and the smile from my face . Apparently , I need to get busy and not dwell on this fear . : ) I 've never been around goats before except at petting zoos , but apparently , I live at a type of petting zoo these days . I went down to where the goats were with my cousins and this one goat , Dunston , decided that my bracelet must be food . Thankfully , he only tried lipping it . This past week , I went into work at the university . I stopped to talk to a ph . d student . Halfway through the conversation , he asked me what I usually do for lunch and then followed up his question with an offer for lunch . My inner reaction : " Wait , what ? Me ? You do know that I 'm in undergrad , right ? " My outer reaction : " That would be cool . I can 't today , though . I 'm going to talk with Dr . So - and - So . Maybe another time ! " Have you ever confused body lotion and regular lotion ? I have . Generally , I end up covered in body lotion only to realize that it 's not rubbing in as I would expect . Looking like a poor beach bum who bathed in sunscreen , I frantically try to come up with some solution to this spectacular new layer of lotion on top of my skin . Tip to other confused individuals : A towel . On our return drive home , my girl cousin turns to me and chirps , " Guess what ! My friend though you were my brother 's girlfriend . " What could I do but laugh ? Walking into the bathroom while talking on the phone with my dear friend ( who happens to have a cooking blog - check it out ! ) , a spider slightly shorter than my pinky finger lounged on the floor of the shower . After informing my friend about the spider and unsuccessfully trying to kill it , my friend suggests that she yell at it . So while she yelled through the phone at the spider ( distracting it ) , I killed it with my green flat shoe . Now , that 's teamwork even when separated by a couple of states . Maybe a month ago , I posted about the idea of The Saxifrage School . A couple of you seemed interested in finding out some more information about this college . Luckily for all of us , The Pittsburgh Post Gazette decided to check into this idea themselves . If any of you are interested in what they found out , click HERE to go to the article . In other news , life goes well for me as I get to work alongside a professor seeking to polish up a textbook for publication and I have the opportunity to work on a manuscript with my uncle for a novel . Honestly , I 'm not sure how this summer shall all turn out , but so far it 's been pretty fun . Hopefully , after summer is over , I 'll be able to get to my regular postings ! Walking and driving about town , I keep coming across these crazy gorgeous trees . I cannot get over them . They stop me in my tracks and make me want to perpetually stick my self amongst the tree 's blossoms . Do you think they make tree houses for these trees ? I want one . Daffodils are by far my favorite spring flower . Once as a child , I visited my great uncle and he has a large field of yard that seemed devoted to this laughing flower . From that moment on , daffodils became my favorite . Now , we mustn 't forget this Dandy Lion of the sidewalk cracks and front yards . Adults always seem to only see the peskiness of this flower . However , dandelions inspire the imagination of children . I used dandelions for countless bouquets , stews , and salads . I like this lil guy who happily reflects the smiling face of the sun !

Earth as we know it no longer exists . Humanity has destroyed itself and with it any chance we may have had of returning . What had started as a six month voyage through the stars becomes a nightmare when the passengers are stranded in space without hope . With Earth gone , the crew and passengers of The Dawn Light are left wandering the galaxy in search of a new planet . After years of searching , one is found , but no one is prepared for the terror that takes claim of the Galaxy Cruiser when one by one the people begin to turn , mutating into flesh eating monsters . For Scarlett , Hunter and Rolf , this means being trapped in a sardine can full of piranhas . Their only hope . . . to get the hell out before they 're next , but someone on the ship wants to be the only survivor to reach the new planet and will do anything to stop them . But just how far are they willing to go ? International Best - Selling author Airicka Phoenix lives in a world where unicorns , fairies and mermaids run amok through her home on a daily basis . When she 's not chasing after pixies and rounding up imps , also known as her four children , she can be found conjuring up evil villains , bad - ass heroines and swoon - worthy heroes to play with . Airicka is singlehandedly responsible for her greatly anticipated collections , the Touch Saga , The Lost Girl Duology , The Regeneration Series , Games of Fire , & Betraying Innocence . She also writes adult paranormal & contemporary romance under the dark guise of Morgana Phoenix . Be sure to check out her Sons Of Judgment Saga & My Soul For You . Willow and her pack had barely settled into their new town when the council shows up again . Only this time it 's to ask for their help - to save Gage . How can Willow refuse ? Suddenly , Willow is thrust into a world of childhood nightmares . The Ancient City . But it isn 't at all what she thought it would be . In fact , Willow soon realizes that not many things are what she thought they would be and she has to figure out for herself which things are worth fighting for . I 've been beautiful . I 've been ugly . I 've died . I 've been brought back . I 've had abilities awakened within me . My strength has been tested . My beliefs have been tested . Sam and I are picking up the pieces . We 're trying to come to terms with all we 've lost . And as much as I would like to hide my head , ignore the reality I live every day , there is no forgetting . Riley is in hell - I 'm still not sure of his agenda . My mother 's past haunts me . And Kimber … Kimber is being herself . Cole sneaks glances at Gemma and she returns them when she thinks I don 't see . When Beelzebub escapes he brings his war to places I never thought he would . Earth . Maine . Home . Now everyone and everything is at risk . This has become bigger than my circle of friends . This has become bigger than me . I have to finish this . I have to find a way to stop him , to finish this war . Cambria Hebert is the author of the young adult paranormal Heven and Hell series and the Death Escorts series . She loves a caramel latte , hates math and is afraid of chickens ( yes , chickens ) . She went to college for a bachelor 's degree , couldn 't pick a major and ended up with a degree in cosmetology . So rest assured her characters will always have good hair . She currently lives in North Carolina with her husband and children ( both human and furry ) where she is plotting her next book . You can find out more about Cambria and her work by visiting http : / / www . cambriahebert . com A teenage girl , Kip , having to grow up beyond her years . Taking care of her mom and trying to make money the only way she knows how . With her camera . Her mom making the decision to move them . Kips mom wants to pursue becoming an actress . Moms off doing her thing leaving Kip on her own . Kip and her mom needed money , so Kip goes to look for pictures she can take to sell to newspapers and magazines . Sneeking in to a hotel to get a great photo she knows will sell . Getting caught she was escorted to the police station . It was the break she needed , to change her life around . Meeting some great people . Forced to live with them till court . She was offered to stay . She loved how things were going so she said " Yes " . She took a photo of a man , Alex , which happens to be a family member she 's staying with . Her path of photographer is doing great . Kip to a like to Alex . Alex is an actor , so he travels and stays gone for months . Alex 's older brother , Gabe , just out of rehab , ask Kip to take his picture . The photo she captures of him causes some dislikes her way . Kip knows she did what Gabe wanted . To capture his pain and loneliness he felt . Kips mom was happy . She was happy . Alex was very angry . This book was a simple and fun read . I do recommend this book . And I will be reading book 2 . Korinne Anders had it all . She had the perfect job , the perfect house , and the perfect husband . When tragedy strikes , her world takes a devastating turn . Six months after losing her husband to a car accident , Korinne vows it to herself never to love again . If she doesn 't allow another man in her heart , then there 's no reason for her to feel the pain of loss . This plan seems to work , but is put to the test when Korinne 's best friend can 't stand to see her suffering any longer . When Galen Matthews learns of Korinne 's loss and that she 's finally moved back home , he wants nothing more than to be there for her . The love he felt for Korinne years ago has never left him , and now he 's given a second chance to not only mend her heart of her loss , but to also continue the love they shared in the past . Will his love and determination make her strong enough to give fate a second chance , or will her fear of losing another love make her run away ? What will Korinne do when she 's faced with a love so powerful that no matter what she does there 's nowhere to run from it ? " I am an avid reader that loves my collection of books . Writing has always been a passion of mine and now I am glad that I get to share my passion with the world . I live in North Carolina and I absolutely love being a southern girl . I spent several years in college starting out with a major in Psychology and then switching to dental . I worked in the dental field for eight years and then decided to stay home with my two beautiful girls . I spent the beginning of my reading years reading suspense thrillers , but now I can 't get away from the paranormal / fantasy books . I knew ever since then that if I wrote anything it would be in a paranormal aspect . Now that I have started on my passion and began writing , you will not see me go anywhere without a notebook and pen . " Facing an unstable future , Chela Prizeon leaves Castle Hayne and crosses over to enemy territory in pursuit of Faris - - the boy of royal blood who is cursed by a bitter rival . But soon Chela learns that he has been taken deep into the treacherous frozen prisons - - a majestic , but deadly place where people enter and are never seen again . To find the boy she loves , Chela must join forces with one of her greatest enemies . And even though she pulls strength from the good in her powers , she finds herself drawn to the dark side 's temptation as well . I live in the City of Alchemy and Medicine , North Carolina . I write about people doing fantastical things in magical worlds . Sometimes they fall for each other and make sacrifices for their friends . Oh , and sometimes they love music and nature too . I live with my two sons , a guinea pig , a cat , and two dogs . Now that I have completed my MFA in creative writing , I find that I have a little extra time to play CLUE more often . I live in an L - shaped house dedicated to my grandmother . It has a secret library complete with fairies , venetian plastered walls , and a desk made out of clear blue glass . Jade wakes up with no memory of her past and blood on her hands . Plagued by wicked thoughts , she searches for answers . Instead , she finds a boy who doesn 't offer her answers , but hope . But sometimes , when nightmares turn into reality and death follows you everywhere , hope is not enough . LUST . LOVE . LOSS . Sometimes , all that is left are Ashes and Ice Rochelle grew up dreaming up stories . When she entered high school , she tucked away her creative side and jumped head - first into academics , work , and service projects . She graduated summa cum laude with a degree in Political Science and Communication when she was twenty years old . After years away from her writing , Rochelle picked up a pen and started fleshing out a character sketch that she outlined when she was twelve . That sketch was the start of the Ashes and Ice story . Rochelle lives in the DC metro area with her husband and daughter . By day she works as a behavioral therapist . By night , she is a dreamer and is busy tapping out new stories on her keyboard . Red hair , blue eyes , a constellation of freckles on pale skin . She was fragile and innocent , a lovely thing . That is what I think until I see the gashes on her wrists and throat . With her blood spilling out , she looks delicious . She 's mine . Possessiveness shocks me , stabs into me . I run , tearing away from a craving I don 't understand . My feet pound against the earth , away from the lifeless body and toward the lights of the city lingering on the horizon . Rot and death linger in my nostrils . Unscarred skin stretches taut over my freezing bones . Echoes of an empty memory reverberate in my mind , taunting me . The ice chases me , clutches me , and bites at my heels , sending shivers up my spine . The ice wants me back , but I run forward , toward the lights , toward the heat , toward a world that burns me , because I have no other choice . Images race through my mind , paralyzing me . I skid to a stop , my boots digging into the mud . The vision 's blurred edges materialize into solid shapes . Scorching fire licks over my skin . In my vision , I contort like a vile , ugly creature , eyes as black as decay . My frame hunches over the small , dead girl , like a demon looming over a defenseless child . Her blood drips from my mouth . I refuse to believe the image , refuse to acknowledge the monster within me demanding to be unleashed - and the possibility it has already been unbound . An unrelenting tide of fear washes over me . Past the denial , the fear , and the hope , I think I can still taste her . Tears burn . I never realized it before , but they do . Tears reach down my throat and settle in my gut until the pain cripples me . I clutch my stomach as I look into the casket . His face doesn 't even look the same . Bloated like a Mardi Gras float , discolored like a mannequin . This isn 't my father . If I have learned anything in my short life , it is this : funerals are bullshit . People dress in carefully pressed black suits . Parents give me " meaningful " nods as if that could ease the grief . It doesn 't . Then there are the kids from school , the ones dragged along by their parents . People drag their kids along as if filling the church was a necessary thing . As if the more pews filled somehow expedite the dead 's trip to heaven . I doubt it does . Maybe some of the girls went shopping to buy just the right outfit so their cleavage to respectability ratio was just right , or their ass to waist ratio was cinched properly . I hate these kids . The ones who stare at me , roll their eyes , and yawn . The ones who trip me at school and slam me into lockers . The ones who sit in a pew , contributing to the headcount , while I sit up here in front , holding back the tears fighting to make their appearance . I swallow them down . I won 't cry . Not here . Not with these people . Dad 's funeral should be an empty church with mom , his three brothers , and me . It should be the five of us having a messy , sloppy , sobbing affair where we cling to each other because we are all we have left . The marble floors should be slick with our tears . It isn 't . We sit here , straight backed , completely composed as if death is just a passing expiration date and our small , insignificant world has not been split open and left gaping . I ache , desperate to forget the long battle with cancer , the blood sputtering out of his mouth with his last words - what where they ? I can 't remember because the fear in his eyes overshadowed anything he said . Now the loss . I don 't want to feel this loss . Some divine entity has taken dull scissors and cut out a piece of my life and now I have jagged scars to remind me I lost too much . Too much . She bursts out laughing . " That too . But I was talking about what it feels like to be , you know , in love . Totally , without question . Like , does that , " she points to the screen again , " exist ? " " Yeah , I think it exists . " I think of mom and dad - the way they kissed every morning , hugged a few moments longer than anyone else , laughed so hard they cried , and cuddled , shutting out the world , looking more content than these fakers on the screen . " It exists . And in real life , it 's better than that crap . " I say , suddenly uncomfortable by the moaning coming from the TV . She opens her mouth as if about to ask a question , but then closes it and smiles , accepting my answer . " Well , it 's good that there may be something in life to look forward to . " She drops a kernel of popcorn in her mouth . His grip is tight - too tight , it hurts - and the bend of him hovers over me , leaning in . I try to shake him off , but he doesn 't let go . I squirm as I feel his thumb trace circles on the inside of my wrist . The touch sends a skitter of sensation over me . Something tinges the air ; a sweet , cool feeling brushes over my skin , making my knees want to buckle . He smells like mint , his breath tickles my face . I pull back , hating the sensations that please my skin and curdle my insides . Bile surges in my throat . I tear myself away from him , glaring . " That . Hurt . " I say . I don 't say he smells sweet or his breath is refreshing on my skin or his touch sends chills up my spine , delicious chills . I step away . His smile is unnerving . " Don 't worry , Jade . " He winks at me . Damn that wink of his . " One day , you 'll like it . " J . L . McCoy resides in the beautifully weird city of Austin , Texas with her opinionated Pekiweenie Isabel and handsome husband Kenny . She has always been a passionate reader and enjoys watching movies , traveling , listening to heavy metal / classic rock / 80s music , getting mani / pedis with her girls , and singing karaoke . She loves body art and is hopelessly addicted to Sonic 's ice and Route 44 un - sweet raspberry iced tea . : After a shocking admission by Archer Rhys , Skye Morrison and the rest of The Mausoleum 's vampire crew have to deal with the aftermath of Houston business owner and fellow vampire Greyson Mead 's murder . A gruesome discovery in Skye 's driveway forces her out of her house and temporarily into Archer 's lakeside mansion with her co - workers Trey , Hunter , Quinn , Seamus , Lochlan , Jameson , and of course the ever jealous Aoife . Skye must now live under the same roof with the two men she wants most and things are bound to get complicated . With a psychotic murderer on the loose hell bent on killing vampires and the appointed army of The Faithful having no luck in finding them , will Skye 's new boss and co - workers live to see next week ? Will Skye make it out of Archer 's mansion alive ? He smiled and chuckled a little . " You 'd think so , huh ? I haven 't had much luck in that department . . . at least long term . " " Not at all , Skye . These are things you 'll need to know if you work for me , " he said soothingly . " Let me ask you a few general questions . Would that be alright ? " I looked up at him and wondered if I should give him the safe answer or the true answer . I decided to throw caution to the wind and let him see the real me . " Well , um , I enjoy painting . Abstract mostly . . . on big canvases . There 's almost nothing better than channeling your love , fear , pain , bad day , good day down into something and seeing the beauty of those emotions emerge . It helps me realize that no matter how bad my day was , or how hurt I felt . . . there 's always beauty in everything ; that every emotion I feel is important and helps make me who I am . I love it . It 's freedom incarnate . " I smiled and remembered the last painting I did . It was after Jesse and I broke up . I put all the anger , tears , frustration , and ugliness down on the canvas . It turned into one of the most beautiful pieces I 've ever done . " I love to read , " I said , clearing my throat and continuing . " I 've always preferred that over watching television . There 's not much imagination to television in my opinion . Also , dancing has always been in my blood . I love dancing whether it 's out at a dance hall or around my house . If hear music , my body just kind of responds to it . I like to catch Karaoke Night at the Blue Lagoon Lounge whenever I can . Their Cult Movie Show Tunes night is to die for . Don 't laugh . I know it 's cheesy , but I love it . And , I have to say , one of my absolute favorite things to do is go to my weekly Krav Maga class that I take with my best friend , Nikki , " I said , hoping that that wasn 't too long winded of an answer . I blushed and looked down at my hands . Small butterflies fluttered around in my stomach and I adjusted my body uncomfortably in the seat . I was embarrassed but a little excited at the look in his eye as he watched me talking . What is that . . . the way he 's looking at me ? He likes a strong woman . . . what does that mean ? Is he coming on to me ? I laughed inwardly at the absurdity of my thoughts . Yeah right , Skye . He 's WAY out of your league , girlfriend . But , nice try . I looked up , into his eyes , and gave him a small smile and a shrug . " Me too . I grew up on Red Sonja comics . I wanted to be just like her when I was a kid . " His eyes sparkled with his laughter and the butterflies in my stomach picked up again . Dammit , stop that ! I silently told myself . Out of your league ! And , he just might be your boss someday . Chill , hormones . . . I was surprised by the question . I guess when he said general , he really meant general . " I mainly read paranormal fiction , though I do enjoy the occasional historical drama or biography . " I started wondering how these questions pertained to the job I was interviewing for . But , I shouldn 't complain , I guess . These questions were very easy to answer and it seemed like he was genuinely interested in hearing my answers . " Hm . . . well , yes . I took a first - aid course in summer camp when I was 15 . I still remember the basics , " I said , a little confused as to where this was going . What the hell kind of interview question was that ? ! I thought to myself . I 'd expect that if I was applying at a hospital or something , but . . . " Yes , " I said slowly , confused as to why I would ever need to know something like that working in a nightclub . After a shocking admission by Archer Rhys , Skye Morrison and the rest of The Mausoleum 's vampire crew have to deal with the aftermath of Houston business owner and fellow vampire Greyson Mead 's murder . A gruesome discovery in Skye 's driveway forces her out of her North Central Austin , Texas townhome and temporarily into Archer 's lakeside mansion with her co - workers Trey , Hunter , Quinn , Seamus , Lochlan , Jameson , and of course the ever jealous Aoife . Skye must now live under the same roof with the two men she wants most and things are bound to get complicated . With a psychotic murder on the loose hell bent on killing vampires and the appointed army of The Faithful having no luck in finding them , will Skye 's new boss and co - workers live to see next week ? Will Skye make it out of Archer 's mansion alive ? Archer leaned forward in his chair and took off his expensive charcoal gray sports coat . " I wanted to see how you were handling all of this , " he said , throwing the coat onto the couch and moving to take off his cufflinks . I watched him struggle for a second before I intervened . " Here , let me help you . " I said as I got up from the chair and walked around his desk . He smiled tiredly , sighed , and thanked me . I hopped up onto the desk , sat in the same place Aoife had only moments ago occupied and pulled his hand onto my lap . I slowly took off his left cufflink and sat it down on the dark desk beside me . I looked into his ice blue eyes as I rolled the shirtsleeve up his muscular forearm . " Honestly , Archer , I don 't know how I am handling this . " He stared intensely into my eyes and searched them for clues . " Are you scared ? " I nodded my head and gave him his arm back . I picked up his right one and began the same process again . " You know I 'll never let anything happen to you , don 't you ? " " I know , " I said finally , looking back up into his beautiful eyes . Neither of us said anything for a long moment . " I 'm worried about you . . . about all of you , " I admitted reluctantly , my fingers finishing their work . Archer took one of my hands in his and leaned closer . " We 're going to be just fine , " he said , tucking a stray hair behind my left ear and then lifting my chin . " We 're a lot stronger than we look , Skye . " I had a sudden flash of Greyson 's mutilated body and I swallowed hard , shaking my head . My eyes glistened with unshed tears . " But Greyson . . . , " Archer shushed me with a gentle finger to my full lips . " Don 't , " he whispered , looking deeply into my eyes . " Don 't think about that . " He cupped my cheek and tenderly ran his thumb over my mouth , tracing my bottom lip . " I know , " I whispered . I tilted my head into his cool hand and closed my eyes . His touch was so comforting , his strong arms safe . I felt my body slowly start to relax for the first time tonight . " I want you to stay with me tonight , Skye . " My eyes flew open in alarm and I sat up straight . " Us , " Archer amended quickly . " I meant I want you to stay with us . . . at my house . " " Skye Morrison 's life lately has been anything but ordinary . Attempting to pull together the pieces of her life that have been ripped to shreds after being kidnapped and tortured by Amun - who happens to be the father of all vampires - her dreams are haunted by memories of those recent fateful and horrific events . Skye struggles with her split feelings and the raw sexual tension with her lover , Jameson Doyle and boss Archer Rhys - the continuous object of her sexual fantasies . Residing at Archer 's lakeside mansion with the rest of the vampire clan , Skye attempts to maintain a normal routine . With the vampire army , The Faithful , attempting unsuccessfully to capture Amun , her nightmares take her down a twisted spiral of entrapment and terror , taking its toll on her daily life . Haunted and hunted by the psychotic and mind - twisting Amun , Skye goes through dark and violent changes , revealing a side of herself she didn 't know existed and ultimately leading to a shocking conclusion . With a climax that will leave you breathless and wanting more , don 't miss the third chapter in the life of Skye Morrison . " Stop , " I whispered as the tears finally began to spill down my face . " I can 't bear to hear anymore . " My heart constricted with the pain his words brought . " How can you do this to me ? How can you when you know I 'm with Jameson . " I roughly wiped the tears from my cheeks , stood up , and stormed over to him . " What am I supposed to do with this , Archer ? Huh ? Leave your brother and jump into your bed ? What about him ? What about his feelings ? How can you do this to me ? Why couldn 't you have just left it alone ? Why did you have to tell me ? " " Why couldn 't you have just talked to me , Skye ? " Archer asked , his voice full of pain . " Why didn 't you give me an opportunity to explain the kiss you saw between Aoife and me before you ran into my brother 's arms ? " I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him tightly . I buried my face in his chest and succumbed to my waterworks . " I knew nothing , " I finally admitted tearfully . He held me for a long time , neither of us saying anything . I think we were both just content to be in each other 's arms . We had been denying ourselves for the longest time . Holding him felt like coming home ; like a cool drink of water after a long week in the desert . " I 'm sorry , too , " he mumbled into my hair as he placed light kisses about the top of my head . " I don 't know what I 'm supposed to do now . The girl I love is sleeping with my brother . " " Skye Morrison begged for death . Fortunately , someone didn 't listen . Skye awakens to discover she has been irrevocably changed and the unprecedented circumstances of her rebirth have now created a new threat to her very existence . Sired by both the monster Amun and the vampire Archer Rhys , Skye must prove to the army of An Dilis ( The Faithful ) whose essence is most dominant within her and that she is not a danger to them or society . The Faithful soon discover that she is unlike any vampire ever created before as she struggles to adjust to her new life and the changes that come with it . But , Amun finds out that someone interfered with Skye 's transformation and the intrusion makes him livid . He gives Skye 7 days to come to him or he threatens to begin killing the ones she loves most . Will Skye be able to survive long enough to enjoy her new life now that Amun is hunting her and everyone she loves ? As soon as my head hit my pillow , and I fully relaxed , my eyes began to grow heavy . All of the excitement I had been through today had taken its toll on me mentally . I desperately needed to sleep and recharge . Before I knew it , I was out cold . Images flashed behind my eyes , interrupting hours of deep , sound sleep as I softly heard someone whispering my name . Something was pulling at my psyche , demanding entrance , and I finally gave in to the request . Amun was standing by large body of water with his back to me . As soon as I took a step toward him , he whirled around looking surprised but relieved . " What took you so long ? " he demanded , his black eyes taking on anger . " I 've been reaching out to you all day . I could feel you but I didn 't have access to you … I couldn 't access your mind . Something is interfering . HOW are you keeping me out ? " " Ha ! " I laughed and sneered at the small victory . " You mean to tell me you can 't just come into my dreams whenever you want to ? " He flashed to me and grabbed me by my throat . " You drank their blood ? ! " he raged in my face as he glared back and forth between my now colorless eyes . " But you are mine ! " " I am no one 's ! " I yelled back as I ripped his hand from my neck and pushed him away from me ; the action utterly shocking Amun . " No one owns me ! No one will EVER own me ! " " A piece of my very soul is inside of you , " he growled , quickly recovering . " You are mine and you will do as I say . You will come to me this night ! I DEMAND IT ! " I put my hands on my hips and smirked at him . " Demand away , Amun . I don 't know what you 're expecting , but I 'm not going to just come crawling to whatever hole you 're off hiding in . You have no control over me . Get used to it ! " " Oh , I have plenty of control over you , " he sneered evilly as he took another step toward me . " All those disgusting feelings of love and desire you felt for that Day Walker … Archer ? I put them there . I made you dream of him , want him , make love to him … I made you want to stay with him when you were so set on leaving . I couldn 't very well allow you to leave and ruin all my plans ! But in the end , you betrayed me , Damu . There will be a heavy price to pay for that . You were supposed to stay , complete your change and then kill him and all his children . Instead you drink his blood and pollute yourself ? ! You could have been something great , something A vicious serial killer is on the loose in Wisconsin and it 's up to the Admiral 's Elite to stop him . Admiral Black 's second in command , Captain Michael Rossi , has been tasked with finding out who or what the killer is and put an end to his reign of bloodshed while avoiding some pitfalls of his own . Like hiding the fact that he 's falling in love with Becca from the admiral who would be sure to use it against them . Ghosts from Gabrielle 's past threaten her place with her unit and Ryan 's bed . HK Savage has been a voracious reader of anything she could get her hands on going back to the second grade when she would set her alarm two hours early to read before school . Her passion for the written word has continued and flowed into writing going back nearly as far . Her books have fans in twenty countries on six continents with hopes of attracting attention on Antarctica if for no other reason than to check a box . Currently , HK is a mother , wife and black belt in Karate as well as an avid dressage rider . Her three dogs : a Doberman she uses for therapy dog work and two ancient Doxies keep her busy when she is not writing or working or whatever else . " I thought we were past that whole ' captain ' thing . " He captured a drop of sweat on the back of her shoulder and brought it to his mouth . A slow lick and it was gone . " Fine then , Michael . " She shuddered , feeling a stir in her stomach and lower despite her exhaustion from their activities . Her voice was lower , husky . " Answer my question . Did you get what you came for ? " He chuckled . The vibration where their bodies touched sent another shiver down her spine . " I wouldn 't say I didn 't enjoy all that . " His hand , back to tracing her curves , glided over the tiny silver scars that crisscrossed her body . Most humans would never see them they were so light . Michael 's wandering hand dipped below the sheet he 'd pulled over her cooling body . " But that 's not actually why I came to see you . " Becca 's eyes searched the dimly lit space to find Black easing out of his office , a nearly invisible opening in the wall on the far side of the room , and gliding forward to stand at the head of the long rectangular black table in the center of the room . An overhead set of lights washed his alabaster skin clean of details until she got close . A thick bunch of tan folders were set neatly on top of the black surface . Obsidian eyes showing no whites , only an expanse of flat black set into white skin and topped with equally under - pigmented short hair , regarded her without expression . By some trick of the light , the immortal , soulless creature appeared strained . Could it be ? She shook off the thought as impossible . " I have asked Michael to give us a few minutes alone , if you don 't mind . We have not had the opportunity to speak without his company for some time . " Tapping a long white finger on his pointed chin , he appeared to think for a minute . " Not since you returned from the hospital , I believe . " Those flat black eyes turned toward her and his thin lips tightened into what might have been a smile . On him it was more of a grimace . Then , gracefully , he folded and took his seat . That simple act had her heart racing . Becca had never seen the man sit before , much less smile . It freaked her out even more than his hovering aloofness . Keeping herself from making direct eye contact for long enough for him to manipulate her mind , she glanced to his nose and back every few seconds . " Calm yourself , Rebecca . I assure you , you have nothing to fear from me . " The corner of his mouth twitched again . Another smile . " We have not had an opportunity to discuss how you are finding things here with us . You have had ample time to settle in and see how things are done here , I trust . " If the admiral wasn 't the admiral , Becca might have been tempted to laugh . It wasn 't like she 'd had a choice in her place here . Once Black decided he wanted someone that was it . It didn 't matter whether she liked it there or not . One thing was for sure , if she had to be around the chilling admiral as often as she had her previous commanding officers , she would have had a breakdown or at least developed a nervous tic or ten by now . Fortunately , she had Michael acting as a buffer between them . While that would have bothered her in her old unit in the Navy , it didn 't so much now . The less time she spent with Black the better , and Michael was her immediate supervisor . That was another can of worms entirely and not one she could open while she was with Black . One stress case was enough , thank you . Black blinked . With his coloring and lack of visible corneas it lent him an uncanny resemblance to a snake . " Yes , Michael has kept me apprised of your progress . He reports that you are a quick learner . What has it been , five missions in two months ? All presenting different obstacles , none quite so challenging as the one that nearly cost us your gift . " His white fuzz covered head wagged , more disturbed by his unit 's possible loss than the pain of the human who wielded said gift . Trust Black to leech any hint of sentimentality out of something . " However , I did not ask what you were doing . I asked how you are doing . " " Uh … " Becca 's heart and mind went into overdrive . Immediately , she tried to calm herself . The fact that her eyesight wasn 't dancing lent her a tiny modicum of solace . If she were in danger from the admiral , her preternatural sight would have let her know . Only recently she 'd discovered she could somewhat control how debilitating the effects were and since mastering that control , she hadn 't lost her vision for more than a few seconds at a time . That didn 't stop her stomach from clenching nervously now . She feared she knew where this was leading . They hadn 't spoken about the new twist on her ability since she 'd jumped into Michael right in front of the their scary boss . If her damned vision hadn 't been so blurred at the time with her lover and old partner about ready to face off , she would never have done it . Now she realized what a mistake it had been . " It 's good , Sir . Everyone is very helpful and I find the work challenging as well as rewarding . " The black eyes narrowed slightly . " Thank you for the sanitized version , Rebecca . However , I know that you are an intelligent woman . You know very well what I am asking you . Have you learned more about this jumping ability of yours ? " Becca held her finger under her nose and stifled the urge to retch . The stench of opened stomach and bowel was overpowering and her eyes watered . " Breathe through your sleeve , " Michael , one of the few who could understand what her powerful nose was picking up , whispered as he stepped away from her to explore the scene . If this was hard for her , it had to be terrible for the other members of her unit . Their sense of smell was even stronger than hers . Brown canvas - jacketed sheriffs and blue parka - clad local police were working to process the scene . Darkening skies , heavy with snow - filled clouds , urged them to be quick . One young officer leaned against a tree trunk on the perimeter heaving out his breakfast , a camera hung by its strap from the hand not propping him up . Unashamed to have anyone else think she was near vomiting herself , Becca pulled her hand inside her wool sleeve and held the end to her nose and mouth , trunk - like . Several gulps of warm air allowed her head to clear . Blinking away the reactionary dampness that had formed in her eyes when she was gagging , Becca pretended to be searching the ground for tracks and other clues while she watched the scene out of the corner of her eye . Her skin itched from the tension coming off the blue and brown coats littering the scene . Ryan took long strides past her , heading straight for the bodies . Circling first the human , then the dog , he came in close . Odd considering the attention everyone was paying to the human . Sensing her gaze , he looked up and winked . That was the moment Gabrielle happened to stop beside her . " They 're all stomping around the human , the dog is relatively untainted . " She informed her flatly . " Better scents there . " " Is everything okay Gabrielle ? " Becca kept her eyes forward , watching Salvo talking to a few of his brethren gathered across the bodies from them . Sensing her eyes on him , Salvo turned and his expression softened . Several glanced up and followed his gaze to land on Becca . One elbowed Salvo in the ribs and he grunted something below her audible range . Redirecting , she went back to watching Ryan . Salvo shifted to see what had caught her eye . Following once again , the rest of their eyes turned to take in Ryan hunkered over the dog . Becca watched a sheriff pale and turned , catching Ryan putting a finger in dark snow and pulling it out to smell it . She fought a smile , knowing if they hadn 't been watching , he might have licked it . The sheriff put a hand over his mouth and his eyes went wide . Becca didn 't have to look back to know that he had just put that finger in his mouth . " We 've put in a lot of miles since we got here . " Gabrielle sighed . " It 's tiring running all over the countryside following a smell that 's everywhere . " She nodded her head back toward where Ryan was standing and sniffing at the branches . " He 's distracted , because of me . " Becca was seriously trying hard not to laugh at the one sheriff who was supposed to be lamenting the new guys with Salvo and company while he was completely distracted by Ryan 's unconventional scene exploration . She couldn 't help sniggering imagining what the young man would do if he saw Ryan do the half - wolf thing where only his head changed . He 'd probably shit . Hearing Gabrielle 's measured air intake beside her , Becca worried she 'd mistaken the laughter as being directed at her . " Oh Gabrielle , I 'm sorry . I was just … " Catching the odd tone in her voice , Becca 's head whipped around to check on the woman beside her . Only Becca could see that she 'd already lost her , her eyes were focused on something in the distance , something out past where the trees started . Quick , so she didn 't miss it , Becca turned and followed her gaze . There was nothing . Becca was used to the woman being distant . This was checked out . " Um , okay . " She watched her go , making note of the direction before taking off to find Michael . He was crouched beside the chest cavity of the human 's body . The forensics team was packing up and the other cops were comparing notes off to the side so he was alone . Becca hurried over and leaned in , speaking quietly in his ear . " I 'm worried about her and I think Ryan could use a break from the stress . " She glanced down and pointedly ignored the worried look he gave her , nodding instead toward the group of uniforms hovering uncomfortably a short distance away . " I 'm going to follow , but I don 't want them out there just in case I run across anything . Distract them for a minute ? " Watching her , knowing he couldn 't make a scene without drawing unwanted attention , Michael gave her a deliberate nod . " Careful . This thing is close , can you smell it ? " Lowering her sleeve , she took a deep sniff of the human . Too deep . The iron and bile scents of blood and guts filled her nose . There was a hint of something else she caught on the back of her tongue and , cautiously , she took several smaller sniffs . Underneath the overpowering immediate whiffs lay the faint sweet smell of decay . " I smell it . Is that the thing ? " She didn 't use its name even though no one was near enough to have heard . He gave a tiny head tip in Gabrielle 's direction . " You smell that out there , get the hell out . No questions . Don 't try to handle this thing on your own . " The severity of his expression allowed for no arguments . " Do you have your gun ? " " Loaded with the good stuff . " She patted the holster under her arm where she carried her 9mm loaded with pure silver , guaranteed to kill any supernatural creature they might encounter . " Buy me some time ? " " Alright . I 'll follow as soon as I can run these guys out . " He straightened up and marched over to Salvo 's group , putting on his darkest glare . " Who the hell 's in charge of this scene ? " he shouted . " This damned place is a zoo . There are footprints and puke everywhere . Is there any evidence that hasn 't been contaminated ? " Smiling at his ability to play the role of massive jackass all too well , Becca walked past staring straight ahead . When she 'd met Michael she thought he was hot , but an ass . She was more than happy to have discovered how wrong she was . Handy the local officers didn 't know that . She moved like she was going to the car and , after checking that no one was watching her , zipped back up to the trees and cut in where she 'd lost sight of Gabrielle . The smell of decay hit him full in the nose and Michael skidded to a halt , putting a hand out unnecessarily to signal Ryan to do the same . He 'd caught the same scent . Both fell into a crouch and Michael squinted into the white mess , scanning for signs of movement . " Holy fuck , " Ryan breathed from beside him . " Found it . " Michael followed the track of his unit member 's gaze to behold the skeleton hovering on the rock , a living creature straight out of a nightmare . The wind had picked up with the storm and whipped the dark tattered clothing about the bony gray creature 's filthy head . He registered that the lump in front of it was alive and not a part of the rock . She was curled into a ball and a howling sob rolled out just as the creature lowered itself to touch her . Ryan 's snarl cut through the wind and the creature 's face came up . It was cut short as he beheld the thing exactly as horrible as Michael had described it . The gray flesh hung loosely over hollow cheeks and empty black eyes . Sagging lips did nothing to hide the fangs that were as long as a man 's ring finger and nearly reached the bottom of its chin . Seeing the stronger being that was Gabrielle incapacitated had Michael in a frenzy . Casting his eyes wildly about , he searched the area for Becca . There was no sign on the rocks or in the woods . And to further inflame his frustration , the wind gusted again , filling his nose with aged death and taking with it any chance of finding Becca that way . A second growl erupted from his shoulder mate and Michael quit any semblance of secrecy . Narrowing his eyes , he rose and rushed forward . There was no making this thing speak ; it was unable due to the level of physical deterioration . Death was its only future . Michael and Ryan matched strides to be the deliverers of its sentence . Two legs turned to four as Ryan changed on the fly , clothing bursting into pieces to litter the forest floor . Together they broke from the trees and hopped from rock to rock , splitting to flank the thing . Michael sunk lower , gathering himself to leap , knowing Ryan would be doing the same . The vampire snarled as he took the head and the wolf 's teeth snapped on bone where he clamped onto the femur . The thing 's body went down , legless and headless but not destroyed . Michael had educated Ryan on the destruction of this specific creature during their pursuit . The body was torn limb from limb into tiny pieces without a word being spoken between them . No blood in the body , it was set into a dry pile of crumbling bones that Michael easily set ablaze using its clothing as tinder , burning the parts so that no amount of magic could ever reassemble it . " Becca , " he called again , stopping to listen for a response possibly too weak to hear over the sound of his boots crunching in the snow . He was circling back around the rock , peering into the woods when the wind dropped for a few seconds and he caught a whiff of blood . Fresh blood . Head shooting up , eyes searching , he caught one more sniff before the wind picked up again . It was enough . It was Becca 's blood and it called to him . Long strides carried him to where she lay on the other side of a cluster of trees and heavy brush that blocked her from him until he was almost on top of her . The blood had stopped , but he saw with a stomach dropping realization that it had come from her head . She 'd hit it on the rock sticking out of the ground not a foot away . White flakes were working to cover the dark stain his eyes didn 't need to tell him was there . His nose gave him all of the information he needed . She was hurt , thankfully not severely thou Barefoot , she crossed the dark street and began making her way in the direction of the police station . If she remembered correctly , it was three blocks away . A chill rose on her skin as she tried to remain focused . She concentrated on taking one agonizing footstep in front of the other . When she crossed over the first street , she stopped to rest beneath a street light . Leaning up against the side of a brick house , she took notice of how eerily quiet her surroundings were . The only sound was her own breathing . There simply was nothing , and no one . Was she truly alone ? She wondered . She shook off the intrusive thought . Of course she wasn 't alone . Remy Moreland was real . Well , the late Remy Moreland was sort of real . Maybe surreal was a better word . He had spun some tale of purgatory , of languishing between life and death . Then a thought struck her like a blow from above . What if he was telling the truth ? " Remy , " she said his name . Where did she know that name from ? It wasn 't common . Think , Leah , think . Then it hit her - hard . She remembered exactly who Remy Moreland was . He was in the newspaper years earlier . Her mother had shown her a copy . Remy Moreland was involved in a fatal street race . His Porsche had been split in two , killing him and a young woman in another car . Remy Moreland was dead . But if he was dead , what was he doing here , alive , and with her ? Sweat broke out on the back of her neck and her vision clouded . This was someone 's idea of an evil , evil joke . She had to get out . She had to find her way home . She sunk her open palms against his chest and struggled to get out of his grip . " Get off of me , you malevolent freak ! You 're dead ! You 've been dead for years ! " she blurted . She backed away , ready to make a run for the front door . But the confused mix of anger and disbelief in his contorted expression stopped her . How could he not know he was dead ? He took a step closer . " As a matter of fact , right now I am languishing across town in a nursing home . I eat through a tube in my belly and piss into a catheter bag . I remain nothing but an emaciated , contorted version of the man I once was . " When she opened her eyes , he was in front of her , a macabre grin creasing his handsome features . He lifted a brow . " So , what did you do ? " " Let me guess , " he provoked . " You look like a murder - suicide kind of girl . You 're not wearing a wedding ring , so I 'm assuming you shot your boyfriend in the head and then offed yourself in some spectacular way - like jumping off a balcony and splattering on the ground . How could you have known you would wind up here ? " he chuckled unpleasantly . She stopped cold . How could he say such a horrible thing ? She turned back to him only to find him mere inches from her . " You 're horrible . You don 't even know me , but you 've resorted to participating in some sort of evil joke on me . I just want to go home … or wake up . " " You 're not dead … not quite . This is limbo … purgatory … the first circle of Hell . The most wretched place on earth where you are sent to atone for your sins . " I 'm buried six feet under , and no one hears my screams . The rope chafes as I loop it around my neck . I pull down on it , making sure the knot is secure . It seems sturdy enough . My legs shake . My heart beats heavy in my throat . Sweat pours down my back . Death and I glare at each other through my tears . I take one last look at the crystal chandelier , the foyer outlined with mirrors , and the flawless decorations . No photographs adorn the walls . No happy memories here . I 'm ready to go . On the count of three . I inhale , preparing myself for the finality of it all . Dropping my hands , a glimmer catches my eye . It 's my ring , the last precious gift my father gave me . I twist it around to read the inscription . Picturing his face forces me to reconsider my choice . He 'd be heartbroken if he could see me now . A door slams in the hallway , almost causing me to lose my balance . My thoughts already muddled , I stand , waiting with the rope around my neck . Voices I don 't recognize creep through the walls . Curiosity overshadows my current thoughts . It 's late at night , and this is a secure building in High Society . No one disturbs the peace here - ever . I tug on the noose and pull it back over my head . Peering through the eyehole in our doorway , I see a large group of armed guards banging on my neighbors ' door . A heated conversation ensues , and my neighbors point toward my family 's home . It hits me . I 've been accused and they 're here to arrest me . My father would want me to run , and in that split second , I decide to listen to his voice within me . Flinging myself forward in fear , I scramble up the marble staircase and into my brother 's old bedroom . The door is partially covered , but it exists . Pushing his dresser aside , my fingers claw at the opening . Breathing hard , I lodge myself against it . Nothing . I step back and kick it with all my strength . The wood splinters open , and my foot gets caught . I wrench it backward , scraping my calf , but adrenaline pushes me forward . The voices at the front door shout my name . On hands and knees , I squeeze through the jagged opening . My brother left through this passage , and now it 's my escape too . Cobwebs entangle my face , hands , and hair . At the end , I feel for the knob , twisting it clockwise . It swings open , creaking from disuse . I sprint into the hallway and smash through the large fire escape doors at the end . A burst of cool air strikes me in the face as I jump down the ladder . Reaching the fifth floor , I knock on a friend 's window . The lights flicker on , and I see the curtains move , but no one answers . I bang on the window harder . " Let me in ! Please ! " I say , but the lights darken . They know I 've been accused and refuse to help me . Fear and adrenaline rush through my veins as I keep running , knocking on more windows along the way . No one has mercy . They all know what happens to sinners . Another flight of stairs passes in a blur when I hear the guards ' heavy footfalls from above . I can 't hide , but I don 't want to go without trying . Help me , Daddy . I need your strength now . My previous desolation evolves into a will to survive . I have to keep running , but I tremble and gasp for air . I steel my nerves and force my body to keep moving . In a matter of minutes , my legs cramp and my chest burns . I plunge to the ground , scraping my knee and elbow . A moan escapes from my chest . Gotta keep going . " Stop ! " Their voices bounce off the buildings . " Lexi Hamilton , surrender yourself , " they command . They 're gaining on me . I resist the urge to glance back , running into what I assume is an alley . I 'm far from our high - rise in High Society as I plunge into a poorer section of the city where the streets all look the same and the darkness prevents me from recognizing anything . I 'm lost . My first instinct is to leap into a dumpster , but I retain enough sense to stay still . I crouch and peek around it , watching them dash by . The abhorrent smell soon leaves me vomiting until nothing remains in my stomach . Desperation overtakes me , as I know my retching was anything but silent . My last few seconds tick away before they find me . Everyone knows about their special means of tracking sinners . I push myself to my feet and look left , right , and left again . Their batons click against their black , leather belts , and their boots stomp the cement on both sides of me . I shrink into myself . Their heavy steps mock my fear , growing closer and closer until I know I 'm trapped . Never did I imagine they 'd come for me . Never did I imagine all those nights I heard them dragging someone else away that I 'd join them . " You 're a sinner , " they say . " Time to leave our society . " I stand defiant . I refuse to bend or break before them even as I shiver with fear . " There 's no reason to make this difficult . The more you cooperate , the smoother this will be for everyone , " a guard says . I cringe into the blackness along the wall . I 'm innocent , but they won 't believe me or care . The next instant , my face slams into the pavement as one guard plants a knee in my back and another handcuffs me . A warm liquid trails into my mouth . Blood . Their fingers grip my arms like steel traps as they peel me off the cement . The tops of my shoes scrape along the ground as I 'm dragged behind them until they discard me into the back of a black vehicle . The doors slam in unison with one guard stationed on each side of me , my shoulders digging into their arms . The handcuffs dig into my wrists , so I clasp them together hard behind me and press my back into the seat , unwilling to admit how much it hurts . My dignity is all I have left . I 'm not carrying any weapons , nor do I own any . I don 't even know self - defense . High Society frowns on activities like that . The driver jerks the vehicle around and I try to keep my bearings , but it 's dark and the scenery changes too fast . Hours pass and the air grows warmer , more humid , the farther we drive . The landscape mutates from city to rolling hills . They don 't bother blindfolding me because they escort all the sinners to the same place - the Hole . Twenty - foot cement walls encase the chaos within . There 's no way out and no way in unless they transport you . They say the Hole is a prison with no rules . We learned about it last year in twelfth grade . To the outside , I 'm filth now . I 'll never be allowed to return to the life I knew . No one ever does . " All sinners go through a transformation , " one of the guards says to me . His smirk infuriates me . " I 'm sure you 've heard all kinds of stories . " I don 't respond . I don 't want to think about the things I 've been told . " You won 't last too long , though . Young girls like you get eaten alive . " He pulls a strand of my hair up to his face . Get your hands off me , you pig . I want to lash out , but resist . The punishment for disobeying authority is severe , and I 'm not positioned to defy him . They 're the Guards of the Commander . They 're chosen from a young age and trained in combat . They keep the order of society by using violent methods of intimidation . No one befriends a guard . Relationships with them are forbidden inside the Hole . Few have seen the commander . His identity stays under lock and key . His own paranoia and desire to stay pure drove him to live this way . He controls our depraved society and believes sinners make the human race unforgivable . His power is a crushing fist , rendering all beneath him helpless . So much so , even family members turn on each other when an accusation surfaces . Just an accusation . No trial , no evidence , nothing but an accusation . I lose myself in thoughts of my father . " Never show fear , Lexi , " my father said to me before he was taken . " They 'll use it against you . " His compassionate eyes filled with warning as he commanded me to be strong . That was many years ago , but I remember it clearly . My father . My rock . The one person in my life who provided unconditional love . The vehicle stops , and I 'm jerked back to reality . " Get out , " the guard orders while pulling me to my feet . The doors slide open and the two guards lift me up and out into the night . A windowless cement building looms in front of us , looking barren in the darkness . The coolness of the air sends a shiver up my spine . This is really happening . I 've been labeled a sinner . My lip starts to quiver , but I bite it before anyone sees . They shove me in line and I realize I 'm not alone . Women and men stand with faces frozen white in fear . A guard grabs my finger , pricks it , and dabs my blood on a tiny microchip . I follow the man in front of me into the next room where we 're lined up facing the wall . Glancing right , I see one of the men crying . " Spread your legs , " one of the guards says . They remove my outer layers and their hands roam up and down my body . What do they think I could possibly be hiding ? I press my head into the wall , trying to block out what they 're doing to me . " MOVE ! " a guard commands . So I shuffle across the room , trying to cover up . Five of us sit in the holding room . One by one , they pull people into the next room , forcing the rest of us to wonder what torture we 'll endure . An agonizing amount of time passes . I lean my head back and try to imagine a place far away . The door opens . " Lexi Hamilton . " A guard escorts me out of the room , and I don 't have time to look back . As soon as the door closes , they pick me up and place me on a table . It 's cold and my skin sticks to it slightly , like wet fingers on an ice cube . Then , they exit in procession , and I lie on the table with a doctor standing over me . His hands are busy as he speaks . " Don 't move . This will only take a few minutes . It 's time for you to be branded . " A wet cloth that smells like rubbing alcohol is used to clean my skin . Then he places a metal collar around my neck . Click . Click . Click . The collar locks into place , and I struggle to breathe . The doctor loosens it some as I focus on the painted black words above me . " Memorize it . Might keep you alive longer if you know who to stay away from . " He opens my mouth , placing a bit inside . " Bite this . " Within seconds , the collar heats from hot to scorching . The smell of flesh sizzling makes my head spin . I bite down so hard a tooth cracks . " GRRRRRRRRR , " escapes from deep within my chest . Just when I 'm about to pass out , the temperature drops , and the doctor loosens the collar . He removes it and sits me up . Excruciating pain rips through me and I 'm on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown . Focus . Don 't pass out . Stainless steel counters and boring white walls press in on me . A guard laughs at me from an observation room above and yells , " Blue . It 's a great color for a pretty young thing like yourself . " His eyes dance with suggestion . The others meander around like it 's business as usual . I finally find my voice and turn to the doctor . " Are you going to give me clothes ? " A burning pain spreads like fire from my neck to my jaw , making me wince . He points to a set of folded grey scrubs on a chair . I cover myself as much as I can and scurry sideways . Grabbing my new clothes , I pull the shirt over my head and try to avoid the raw meat around my throat . I quickly knot the cord of my pants around my waist and slide my feet into the hospital - issue slippers as the doctor observes . He hands me a bag labeled with my name . " Nothing is allowed through the door but what we 've given you , " he says . I hide my right hand behind me , hoping no one notices . A guard scans my body and opens his hand . " Give it to me , " he says . " Don 't make me rip off your finger . " He crouches down and I turn to stone . I don 't know what to do , so I beg . " My father gave this to me . Please , let me keep it . " I smash my eyes shut and think of the moment my father handed the golden ring to me . " It was my mother 's ring , " he 'd said . " She 's the strongest woman I ever knew . " With tears in his eyes , he reached for my hand . " Lexi , you 're exactly like her . She 'd want you to wear this . No matter how this world changes , you can survive . " I turned the gold band over in my palm and read the engraving . " You 're going to take the one thing that matters the most to me ? " I say , glaring into the guard 's emotionless eyes . " Isn 't it enough taking my life , dignity , and respect ? " A hard blow falls upon my back . As I fall , my hands shoot out to stop me from smashing into the wall in front of me . The guard bends down and grabs my chin with his meaty fist . " Look at me , " he commands . I look up and he smiles with arrogance . " What the hell ? " He staggers a step backward . " What 's wrong with you ? What 's wrong with your eyes ? " " Nothing , " I respond , confused . " Interesting , " he says , regaining his composure . " Now those 'll get you in trouble . " Reality slaps me across the face . I have my father 's eyes . They can 't take them from me . I twist the ring off my finger and drop it in his hand . " Take the damn ring , " I say . I walk to the door . He swipes a card and the massive door slides open to the outside . " You have to wear your hair back at all times , so everyone knows what you are . " He hands me a tie , so I pull my frizzy hair away from my face and secure it into a ponytail . My neck burns and itches as my hand traces the scabs that have already begun to form . Squinting ahead into the darkness , I almost run into a guard standing on the sidewalk . " Watch where you 're going , " he says , shoving me backward . His stiff figure stands tall and I cringe at the sharpness of his voice . " Cole , this is your new assignment , Lexi Hamilton . See to it she feels welcome in her new home . " The guard departs with a salute . " Let 's move , " Cole says . I take two steps and collapse , my knees giving out . The unforgiving pavement reopens the scrapes from earlier and I struggle to stand . A powerful arm snatches me up , and I see his face for the first time . Britt Anderson went along with everything the doctors said for nearly four years , but she was still dying at eighteen . The cancer had won leaving her without a future , without any options , and without control . No control , except for how she would leave this world . As Britt tries to end her life by going into the frigid waters she realizes her mistake . She struggles to get back to shore , to cry out for help , but her atrophied muscles are useless and the frigid water steals the breath from her chemo - scarred lungs . Despite her father 's attempts to reach her , she flies over the waterfall . When Allister Parks finds Britt 's fragile body on the riverbank something calls out to him . Ignoring the warnings of his sister , Allister brings Britt back from the edge of death . The only problem is that an Eternal like Allister isn 't allowed to touch those who have already passed from this world . It is forbidden ; an infraction punishable by death . C . S . Yelle was born and raised in Grand Rapids , MN , the " almost " middle child of six . He attended Grand Rapids Senior High School where he enjoyed music and sports . He received his BS in Chemistry from Mayville State University , Mayville , ND in 1987 . He taught 7 - 12 Science and coached for six years in several North Dakota schools and currently works as an Executive Account Manager in the Water Treatment Industry where he has been for over eighteen years . He is the father of four and grandfather of one . He writes novels , screenplays , and an occasional short story . He has been writing seriously for over 15 years and plans to continue until his fingers are unable , maybe longer . He currently resides in a Minneapolis , MN suburb with his wife Jennifer . Spending most of my time in hospitals under the dull fluorescent lighting with its incessant hum had left my skin pale and white . I 'd rather be out here instead of taking chemo or radiation , anyone would . This felt like heaven ; a place I 'd spent far too much time thinking about lately . I pulled the large - brimmed hat down over my eyes and went back to listening to the rhythmic waves . I moved my bony butt on the metal support of the canoe , trying to get comfortable . Without any padding , it wasn 't Shifting again and looking to where we headed : tall pines reaching for the blue sky , little white clouds floating overhead ; I remembered the place . It was a nice campsite with good fishing and a waterfall leading into the next lake . The mosquitoes were murder on that trip six years ago . I hoped they didn 't like the taste of my blood as much this time . Maybe the chemo could stop something . My parents kept paddling , steady and strong . I closed my eyes again , recalling how Mom and I used to take turns paddling up front . Now I couldn 't lift a paddle , much less use one . Soon sand and rock crunched against the bottom of the canoe bringing us to a sudden stop , jolting me hard against the metal frame . Its leaves were like clear glass , and when the sun broke the horizon to announce the new day , a kaleidoscope of colors danced , dazzling the people who had gathered . It stood twenty feet tall , a glorious beacon of light , attracting all in the vicinity . Silver and purple woven wood harmonized to form the base , stretching up and then gracefully out . Hundreds of branches waved gently in the breeze , causing the crystal petals to chime , creating a beautiful chorus , like angels singing , harkening those with ears to hear . On this day , the Tree was found on a grassy hill overlooking a small village . Residents of Brook Haven slowly emerged from their dwellings and began to assemble . The crowd of men , women , and children swelled until the entire community formed a half circle around the base of the knoll . None would approach the Tree any closer . A man - carrying his sick child , pale as snow - broke through , streaks of tears running down his cheeks . " Please help me , " he whispered as he laid his boy on the grassy slope . One of the thousands of crystal petals snapped free from the strong branch and descended like a feather . As it fell , it slowly disintegrated , leaving a trail of shimmering dust which lingered , suspended in the air until the prismatic pattern faded . Each brief flash of reflected light was like a strum on a lyre . Everyone was entranced by the hypnotic action , including the father . They refocused on the debilitated child when they heard the boy speak , " Papa ? " He lowered his head and grew altogether quiet for a moment , not noticing another petal falling . Then his posture and demeanor slowly changed . He turned and faced the hushed crowd of onlookers , but looked lighter and freer . Whatever burden had been bothering him had clearly lifted as he trotted off back to their town ; another petal descended . More people brought requests before it , and throughout the day a leaf would fall for each granted miracle . Finally , the brilliant , golden light of the setting sun illuminated the relic with a blinding halo . The people shielded their eyes from the intensity , and within seconds the aura dissipated , and the Tree , along with it , had vanished . Sheets of blustery snow swirled around the shallow cave entrance and the howling wind echoed within . A mound of white fur huddled in the back recesses for warmth . Hot breath escaped in uneven heaves from the several gathered creatures . The cold air whipped at their backs . Their faces were hidden from the elements . An intense light blared to life outside , followed by soothing warmth . The snow flurry settled and the wind calmed . A head popped up from the tangled fur , surprised by the phenomena . The large , rounded white pupils of the Yeshi reflected the sparkling petals of the Tree of legend . One of the beings approached , crunching snow underfoot , tenderly holding one mangled , fur - patched arm . A not uncommon injury , the result of a recent battle within the inhospitable mountain range they resided in . He extended his bloody appendage , and watched a single petal fall as the damaged limb was restored to health . The creature turned and called out to the apprehensive clan in its language of Yeshi , " We host the Tree of Lore ! Come while you can ! Bring your requests and offer them without fear ! Hurry before it departs ! " The lumbering , beast - like creature turned and fell to his knees before the amazing spectacle , bowing repeatedly . After years of suffering turmoil in these harsh mountains , never daring to hope the Tree would come so far to aid them , it had arrived . From this day forward , his clan would never be the same . An ancient , unknown enemy threatens the completion of their journey at every turn . Bridazak is about to face the biggest adventure of his life , one that may change the known realm , and answer the questions he has carried all his life . Will they unlock the truth ? Brae Wyckoff was born and raised in San Diego , CA and is working toward a Psychology degree . He has been married to his beautiful wife , Jill , for 19 years , and they have three children ; Tommy , Michelle , and Brittany . He has a beautiful grandson named Avery . Brae has been an avid gamer since 1985 . His passion for mysterious realms and the supernatural inspired him to write The Orb of Truth , the first in a series of fantasy action adventures . Brae describes The Orb of Truth as a cross between the Lord of the Rings and the Wizard of OZ where you will be swept away into a magical land of Dwarves , Elves , and Halflings . Octavian Maximus has already given up his life once for a love that left him empty . He isn 't about to give up his afterlife for a green - eyed , red - haired spitfire with no sense of self - preservation and a smile that could melt even his icy heart , especially since he 's so close to being given a second chance at living again . For a Son of Judgment , being offered life is the reason they were so willing to murder without remorse . Octavian is one of the best . He 's never failed to take out a Mark , until the night one got away and he let it , unsuspecting of the consequences of his mistake . When the Mark tracks him , hell bent on revenge , Octavian is ready for it . What he isn 't prepared for is Ryleigh jumping in to protect him or her death because of it . Ryleigh Masters has her own problems . Her father was laid off … again , bills are piling up and the rent is due . When she 's given the waitressing job at Final Judgment , it 's a dream come true , until she meets the owner 's son . Octavian makes it no secret that he wants her gone , but Ryleigh has already signed the contract and she needs this job . She 's willing to do whatever it takes to keep it , even put up with the unreturned feelings Octavian provokes in her . The night he 's attacked , the last thing she expected to happen was to die and wake up with Octavian 's knife at her throat and her life irrevocably changed . Airicka Phoenix is the author of the Best - Selling Touch Saga and Games of Fire , with short stories in Whispered Beginnings : A Clever Fiction Anthology and Midnight Surrender Anthology . When she 's not hammering away at the keyboard , she can be found banishing pirates or crawling through the attic looking for lost treasure with her kids . She loves baking , gardening and reading . She also likes to travel and take pictures of everything she comes across . When asked , Airicka describes herself as a sarcastic basket case that has an unhealthy addiction to chocolate , old movies and really bad jokes . She loves to laugh , make friends and write . If she could have one wish granted , it would be to spend one day as a fly - on - the - wall inside Stephen King 's mind . If she could have two wishes granted , she would ask for a castle dedicated entirely to her overwhelming collection of books . This rockin ' adventure begins with Ozzie , who has awakened from a harsh brush with death . Just as he thought he overcame all the dangers of his supernatural survival , danger strikes with a vengeance . The news of the kidnapping of a loved one ignites his rage , unlocking a family secret and changing who he is forever . Ozzie 's friends , with the help of his father , put him to the test to see if he can indeed be the hero that saves the day or the hindrance that gets them all killed . While visiting the in - between he is given the knowledge to overcome his situation . All he must do is embrace who he is . Who is that , exactly ? I 've been beautiful . I 've been ugly . I 've died . I 've been brought back . I 've had abilities awakened within me . My strength has been tested . My beliefs have been tested . Yet I stand . Sam and I are picking up the pieces . We 're trying to come to terms with all we 've lost . And as much as I would like to hide my head , ignore the reality I live every day , there is no forgetting . Riley is in hell - I 'm still not sure of his agenda . My mother 's past haunts me . And Kimber … Kimber is being herself . Cole sneaks glances at Gemma and she returns them when she thinks I don 't see . But I do . When Beelzebub escapes he brings his war to places I never thought he would . Earth . Maine . Home . Now everyone and everything is at risk . This has become bigger than my circle of friends . This has become bigger than me . I have to finish this . I have to find a way to stop him , to finish this war . Cambria Hebert is the author of the young adult paranormal Heven and Hell series and the Death Escorts series . She loves a caramel latte , hates math and is afraid of chickens ( yes , chickens ) . She went to college for a bachelor 's degree , couldn 't pick a major and ended up with a degree in cosmetology . So rest assured her characters will always have good hair . She currently lives in North Carolina with her husband and children ( both human and furry ) where she is plotting her next book . Maddy Walker has lived a difficult life in a small town in Colorado . After losing her mother in a horrific car accident as a child , her father becomes nonexistent due to the aftermath . She has to pick up the pieces of her crumbled life and move on . For all intents and purposes she 's an orphan . But thanks to her best friend Andi and her family , she 's not completely alone ; spending most of her childhood and adolescence with them . After turning 18 , she and Andi move in together and she makes a decision to move forward with her life , working and putting her past behind her . Only , another tragedy hits her world and she must relive everything she has tried to forget . Noah Parker is ready to move away from the busy New York City life … and his dark past where he is harboring a lot of guilt and pain . He just wants a fresh start and being the destructive bad boy in town is not a way to do that . He doesn 't ever date girls ; it 's all about sex for him . He figures if he could block his pain and bury it , it will go away . Little does he know , it never just goes away . Moving to a small town close to his aunt , he 's hoping for a good change . What he doesn 't expect , is to meet Maddy . She turns his world upside down . He finds himself wanting to get to know her , not on a sexual level but a deep , emotional one . It seems they have more in common than they ever imagined . And they are both having a hard time denying their attraction to one another . But the more time they spend together , the more they learn about themselves and that in order to move on , you have to learn to let go . Can Noah and Maddy make their growing relationship work together in the midst of more heartbreak and tragedy ? Or are their lives already too complicated as it is ? In both Maddy and Noah 's POV , this is their story of loss , grief , pain and learning to overcome it all to gain happiness . Annie Brewer ( 29 ) leads several lives . At home she 's a caring mother of two with a heart of gold . Online , she 's a best friend to several and puts a smile on her many fans every time she utters a word . In her own world , she 's a dreamer . But the biggest part of her is made of books , books , and more books . It 's not a surprise she 's turned out to be such a talented young author . Some of her many hobbies include reading , drooling over Ian Somerhalder , Channing Tatum , and Christian Grey ( etc . ) , reading , reviewing , reading , watching Vampire Diaries , reading , and last but not least WRITING like a maniac . She currently resides in Texas , where she dies of heat - strokes every few seconds , with her many books and book - boyfriends , and her two adorable little girls . Annie Brewer ( 29 ) leads several lives . At home she 's a caring mother of two with a heart of gold . Online , she 's a best friend to several and puts a smile on her many fans every time she utters a word . In her own world , she 's a dreamer . But the biggest part of her is made of books , books , and more books . It 's not a surprise she 's turned out to be such a talented young author . Some of her many hobbies include reading , drooling over Ian Somerhalder , Channing Tatum , and Christian Grey ( etc . ) , reading , reviewing , reading , watching Vampire Diaries , reading , and last but not least WRITING like a maniac . She currently resides in Texas , where she dies of heat - strokes every few seconds , with her many books and book - boyfriends , and her two adorable little girls . Roxie must make a choice that will change her life forever . What happens when a spoiled brat from New York learns the true meaning of love , loss , and forgiveness ? Can Chase and Roxie find a way to be together or is this just another summer romance ? We have quite the surprise today . AmBear has sent over the ' intoxicatingly hott ' Sebastian for us to torture with questions . She assures me he will be quite good whilst he 's here . As he makes himself comfy , let 's get started . 1 . According to AmBear 's descriptions of the major players in this story , you are pictured as ' The tall , pale , and handsome dreamboat that dances his way into her arms and steals the only life she knows . ' Would you agree ? 3 . You mentioned in Rock n Roll Promises that you seen Anna before you actually met her , and that you were smitten . What made you approach her , even though you promised you wouldn 't ? Running his hands through his hair , he thought about it . " oh , Anna . My finest … " Clears throat . " … She was very … sexy . You see back in the 1970 's Go - Go boots and ' barely cover your ass ' short dresses were very trendy and well , I supported that trend . She was fashioning just that outfit . I intended only to befriend her … but you know what events followed . " " A very long time . I rescued him from … well , I think I explain this in the story . Besides , it 's not really my tale to tell . " " You see , it is more than just lust and sex . I can have sex without lust and my hunger will remain and I can lust after a woman , and I feel as if I am standing on the outside of a diner looking in , starving to death . I must have them both , the more lust and better the sex , the fuller I become . Think of it in terms of human meals , like a salad vs . a steak dinner . Yes the salad will fill your hunger for a while , but a steak dinner with all the fixin 's will leave you so full your stomach hurts , your pants about to burst and a need for a nice nap . That is what it is like for me . " " Willing Donors … You make it sound like we line them up buffet style and travel down each one . " The ocean blue that are his eyes darken and swim with anger . " They are treated with respect . I know that Anna remarks to them as ' play things " and they are , but not in the dark light you put them . It is the equivalent of what you humans call " friends with benefits " and yes in my case , sometimes it 's more . " The ocean behind his eyes began to glow and swirl . " It 's sensual , sexy and blistering hot … I think you get the picture . " Starblood evolved into a trilogy . It was supposed to be a stand alone novel , but I couldn 't get the characters out of my head . Starblood started as a mini project to write the nastiest scene I could imagine . This scene became chapter 2 . I wrote the novel because I wanted to spend more time imagining Lilith . The other characters in the novel may grow to be more important than the demon , but she was my starting point and inspiration . Starblood evolved into a trilogy . It was supposed to be a stand alone novel , but I couldn 't get the characters out of my head . Starblood started as a mini project to write the nastiest scene I could imagine . This scene became chapter 2 . I wrote the novel because I wanted to spend more time imagining Lilith . The other characters in the novel may grow to be more important than the demon , but she was my starting point and inspiration . Yes . In fact I posted playlists for Starblood and Psychonaut on my author page a while back . I tend to use music to get my head in the right place for a particular scene . Sometimes it can be sad and slow , othertimes fiery , explosive and violent . Most of the songs I use tend to be Goth or EBM to be honest . My browsing history ? Shudders at the thought . One thing about being a writer is you can end up with a very incriminating browsing history . Today I 've been mostly looking up things to do with my day job , AMD and other things to do with visual impairments . Usually you 'll find links to ritual magic and hebrew lore , lol . I made a pact with myself a couple of years ago that I was going to rid myself of guilt . While I haven 't been 100 % successful in doing that it does mean I often indulge in my pleasures guilt free . So I guess the question is moot . A writer friend of mine and I were discussing our thoughts on pleasure and we decided we would start a movement of neo - decadents . It has a ring to it , don 't you think ? After finishing the first draft of a book I put it to one side for a month before reading it through and starting work on the copious number of edits it will receive before it is really , truly finished . I 'm very OCD about the whole process , which actually means that it 's very hard for me to let go of a book and say that it is finished . Often the manuscript must be prised from my bleeding knuckles . When it 's gone I first get very drunk and promise never to read it again , then I relax with a fine novel someone else has written for a few days until I 'm itching to start something new . Well that has happened once already . I 've always been a fan of Graham Masterton 's horror . I couldn 't get enough of it in my early twenties . We 'd become friends on FB and I asked him to read Psychonaut . He told me I was very talented and wrote a few words for the back cover . My head was in the clouds for days after that . My all time favourite movie . . . I really struggle to answer questions like this because my favourite tends to vary with my mood . Today I 'll go for City of the Lost Children by Marc Caro and Jean - Pierre Jeunet . She is desperate to remember . He is aching to forget . Together , they are not broken . But together , one may not survive . Jade wakes up with no memory of her past and blood on her hands . Plagued by wicked thoughts , she searches for answers . Instead , she finds a boy who doesn 't offer her answers , but hope . But sometimes , when nightmares turn into reality and death follows you everywhere , hope is not enough . LUST . LOVE . LOSS . Sometimes , all that is left are Ashes and Ice Rochelle grew up dreaming up stories . When she entered high school , she tucked away her creative side and jumped head - first into academics , work , and service projects . She graduated summa cum laude with a degree in Political Science and Communication when she was twenty years old . After years away from her writing , Rochelle picked up a pen and started fleshing out a character sketch that she outlined when she was twelve . That sketch was the start of the Ashes and Ice story . Rochelle lives in the DC metro area with her husband and daughter . By day she works as a behavioral therapist . By night , she is a dreamer and is busy tapping out new stories on her keyboard .

Jayne Castle is the name Krentz uses for her books that take place in the future , when a group of humans left earth and landed on the planet Harmony and set up a base there . But the curtain between the planet and earth would close and these colonist would be stuck with each other , for better or worse . Aliens had once lived on this planet long ago and left it . They are believed to have lived underground in the catacombs that are made of some kind of green mineral . Over the years , the humans began to develop psi abilities which allowed them to use amber to " rez up " things such as cars , microwaves , cell phones , locks , etc . . . Some would develop particularly strong psi talents , such as tuning amber ( it has a unique frequency and if you go into the catacombs without tuned amber you will wander around until you go mad and die ) , read auras , handle and create " ghosts " ( electrical energy that manifests in the form of a ghost ) in the catacombs , music talents , botany talents , the ability to find and handle minerals , the ability to use alien technology . The list is pretty endless . There are also dust bunnies , mysterious creatures with an endless apatite , who come and go as they please , collect the oddest things , and form attachments with humans . They have the loyalty of a dog who always knows when you need him and the independent streak and the insistence that you take care of his needs first of a cat . They 're adorable . The founders also insisted on what is called a Covenant Marriage . If you have one of these , it is nearly impossible to get out of . You can pay to get out of one , but you will be broke by the end of it . The founders believed that close connections were important if they were going to survive . And these days no one gets out of being nagged by some family member about getting a CM , even the gays . The founders also set up what is called a Marriage of Convenience , which was basically a classy way of saying you were shacking up with someone . It could be broken at any time , by either party . Ella Morgan comes from a very famous musically talented family , but her talent has been kept secret . She is a siren . Something that is not supposed to exist . She has resigned herself to not marrying , as from what she has read , men either fall slavishly and obsessively in love with sirens or head for the hills as fast as they can . So far all the men she has dated seem to be the run away type . Her talent allows her to see people 's auras and so she has gone into the dreamwork business , which means that she helps adjust their auras while they dream . When she goes into business for herself , her first client is a dust bunny . She borrows a sled to go into the catacombs and follows the bunny to a cave where other dust bunnies are being held in cages and alien technology is lying around . It appears that the bunnies are going to be used as test subjects . Ella uses her voice to melt the special glass cages and when she is confronted by the owner of the weapons , she is forced to use her voice in self - defense and kills him . In walks Rafe Coppersmith who is doing a consulting job for the FBPI ( and Hard Joe Harding , himself , whom those who have read her early Harmony books may remember not so fondly as the glory hound who takes all the credit ) and he is really not happy to find the man dead . It has ruined the whole sting operation he had planned . Rafe recognizes her from a news story a while back where she stopped her friend from marrying a serial killer at the last minute and then was taken hostage by the groom who suddenly had a " stroke " of some sort and ended up in the mental hospital . He 's figured out pretty quick between that story and the melted glass that she must be a siren . However , a group of mob men are coming to buy the alien artifacts and Rafe quickly takes over the role of seller , but when things go wrong , he grabs the artifacts and touches Ella 's shoulder and a blast explodes killing all the men . Rafe 's ability is to handle minerals and alien technology . He promises to keep her secret if she 'll have coffee with him . But she does not hear back from him . Soon after this , Lorelei , her first client , and dust bunny companion , brings her a hunk of red crystal that is worth a lot of money and Ella is able to move her business to the best neighborhood , which is good , because in her business , people will only take you seriously if you have a fancy office to work out of . Three months later in walks Rafe Coppersmith to ask her for a contract for her services as a music worker . The problem is , he does not look so well . Ella can tell in his aura that he has a psi fever which occurs after a burn - out , when you have overloaded your talents to the point that they might never come back , you might develop an uncontrollable new talent , or go mad . She can quickly tell that he is in control and not about to go off his rocker , but still can 't help but still feel a bit peeved that she never heard back from him . She thought she had felt a real connection between them . Of , course he has never forgotten her and he cannot tell her that his talent is gone and he has no idea what is going on with him . The project is on the island of Rainshadow , which has a very dangerous forest preserve where people are not supposed to go into ( there 's a fence for a reason ) and now a bizarre place dubbed Wonderland where the aliens are believed to have first began their bio / psi experiments with creatures , only they seemed to have failed and put the animals in stasis and their habitat was killed off . Well , now its a land of crystal and quartz and blue energy and the animals have been awoken and they resemble dinosaurs - - who now do not have anything to eat and are making their way out of Wonderland and killing people . Coppersmith Mining wants to explore the minerals but they need to be protected from the dinosaurs . The dinosaurs use singing to communicate and to put the put their prey into a trance . Rafe 's idea is that Ella will be able to tune their frequency to amber and provide it to the scientist to use as a repellent to the dinosaurs . Rafe 's job is to get her out of Chrystal City and to Rainshadow Island and into Coppersmith Security hands . Ella , however , has two conditions . One is that she has to go to an important academic dinner that night that will be important to her career and two that she needs to be back by a certain date because a friend is having a covenant wedding in which she is once again the bridesmaid ( it seems to be her permanent role ) . Rafe explains that the reason she needs security is that there is an organization called Do Not Disturb that believes in leaving all alien things alone . They 're a bit of a low rent wack job group , but you never know . After an interesting dinner , they leave only to be snared in what appears to be a kidnapping attempt . With Ella 's ability to melt glass , they escape the limo and hide out in an abandoned building when two more men arrive with an alien bell whose ringing does not affect Ella , but begins to make Rafe want to follow the sound . When he holds on to Ella 's hand while she sings , however , the sound is dimmed and he is able to use his stun gun to knock the two men out . He searches the men and takes all the technology they have on hand and in the process notices that they both have tornado tattoos . He turns the matter over to the FBPI and he and Ella head out of town . Rafe 's psi burn is causing him to hallucinate again and he is beyond tired , since every time he tries to sleep he doesn 't get very far before he has what he calls " waking nightmares " . Ella insists on driving and just like Rafe said , after twenty minutes the nightmare seemed to begin and he started saying a few words including " ghost city " and " sing for me siren " . So she began to sing and patched up his aura a bit and he went into a peaceful sleep and stayed there for the next three hours until they got to the airstrip . Rafe cannot believe what has happened ; he can finally sleep again . Ella is worried though . Ghost City is a legendary place where treasure supposedly lies and the few people who are said to have found it have come back mad . Eventually Rafe will tell her that he was sent by his father on this expedition right after meeting her and he ended up in a psi storm , which will basically kill you . To escape , he dove into a crystal pool . In his dreams he sees a place , but he does not believe it is real . He grabs a piece of grey mineral and with that is able to walk right through the storm and back to the team . Ella tells him he is coming into a new power and that the hallucinations are really visions that are a part of his new talent somehow . Someone on the island takes shots at Ella 's window on her first night and a body is discovered . He is a member of DND . But there are others on the island and something larger may be going on . Coppersmith may be compromised . It appears there are people working for them who are really in the employ of others . Rafe finally takes Ella into Wonderland with a team to find a dinosaur and see what she can do . Quickly she is able to find the harmonic of their song and tune it to the amber . It is given to the scientists who believe that they might even be able to hunt them now . Its over and now Ella can go , but Rafe realizes he 's not ready for her to go . But Ella has a covenant wedding to go to and of course Rafe will follow her . Along the way he will have to figure out how to use his new talent , even if he does think it is stupid and useless . Ella keeps insisting that men just don 't want to make a commitment to someone like her , but as you will realize , she does an awful lot of pushing away . Rafe , meanwhile , can be the typical man at times : I 've lost my talent ( manhood ) I am not a real man and not worthy of someone like Ella . But you know they are made for each other if for the only fact that he can listen to her sing and not be affected by it . His talent makes him immune in some ways . The twist at the end ( there always is one ) was unexpected for me . I went one way , the book went another , so I was pleasantly surprised . I really enjoyed this book . The banter between the two was sharp and witty and the woman rescued herself for a change . Ella can and does take care of herself , but as the song goes " she gets by with a little help from her friends " . This is a wonderful addition to the Harmony series , which you do not need to read in order , by the way . Posted by John Scalzi began a " web journal " or what we would today call a blog , back in 1998 that he named Whatever . This book is a collection of those blogs from a ten year period , 1998 - 2008 , that also serves sometimes as a snap shot of a date in time that at first may seem so long ago or different , but in reality is not . He is a science fiction writer as well as a free - lance writer of various things , as well as a husband and the father of a daughter . His blogs cover just about everything under the sun : religion , politics , television , science , homosexuality , grief , breastfeeding , parenthood , philosophy ( he occasionally gets to pull his major out and use it ) , and life in general . He is funny , thought provoking , poignant , and might make you angry . He is everything a writer should be . On his blog titled Levitcans , which is a term he made up for those " Christians " who spend way too much time obsessing over the book of Leviticus and ignoring the New Testament , he slams them for not following the actual teachings of Christ . " Rules are far easier to follow than Christ ' actual path . . . " A good example of a Levitican ? Fred Phelps and his group who picket funerals with signs , John Ashcroft , Pat Robertson , Jerry Fallwell ( the last two who suggested that the terrorist attacks happened because we were tolerant of pagans , abortionists , feminists , gays , and , lesbians ) . Not every Christian , or even fundamentalist is considered a Levitican in his book . That takes someone who will " transmute one 's belief 's into hate and intolerance , to deprive others of rights they ought to enjoy . " Interestingly , he says though Leviticus is part of the Torah , there do not seem to be too many Jews that fall in this category , for whatever reason . His blog on the Scooby gang is so spot - on and something that has never occurred to me , but explains everything : Fred is a cult leader . As a group of teenagers , these people would never hang around together . Fred and Daphne make sense in the way quarterback and cheerleader do . Daphne and Velma even make sense if you accept that Velma has an " unrequited crush " on her and follows her around everywhere . Shaggy and Scooby , " a stoner loner and his talking , possibly hallucinated dog . A perfect match . " But all of them together ? No way . Why do you think Fred always insists Daphene goes with him ? He doesn 't want Velma anywhere near her because she would be secretly putting him down . A group of teens riding around in a van that keeps stumbling upon mysteries that are all the same ? Why aren 't they in school ? Why don 't they ever change clothes , why are they always traveling , and where are the parents ? It has to be cult , with Fred as the authority figure who separates them from the rest of the world . They travel , not to solve crimes , but to stay ahead of the deprogrammers . In a weird way , it explainIn his blog titled " Best Vision of Hell of the Millennium , he talks about Hieronymus Bosch , a Dutch painter who lived between the 15th and 16th centuries . His painting of Hell is a rather vivid and insightful look at what Hell could be . His work would influence two great schools of art : Surrealism and Heavy Metal . The Surrealist liked his use of color and his ability to " combine the mundane and the fantastical to make bitter and intelligent social commentary . " Heavy Metal artists like him because he drew really cool demons . Without Bosch there 'd be no Vallejo airbrushings or Dio album covers . The church tells us that Hell is not exactly a location but an eternal absence of God 's grace . So one could say that Bosch 's painting is just a mythical picture . Scalzi opines that the real question is not whether where Hell is or isn 't , but if we could see our souls in a mirror , would they look like what Bosch envisioned ? That would be Hell enough . In his blog on vegetarianism , he says that he could never be one . He makes a good point that everything we eat was once a living thing and that it 's a shame that animals cannot shed a steak or a fully cured ham , like plants do . He does draw the line at veal , but really with a calf its almost a silly line to draw since it 's always going to be " sooner or later " . He does love to pick on vegetarians by reminding them that Hitler was one and that he also thought up the Volkswagon . Why no one every retorts back with Stalin , who was a big meat eater , is a wonder . Scalzi has ticked off a lot of people over the years with this particular blog on " The Lie of Star Wars as Entertainment " . Lucas is not an " entertainer " because an entertainer reaches out to his audience and wants them to join him . Lucas could care less . He is more interested in creating his universe . If you are there , fine . The trilogy is a mix of " 30s adventure serials , 40s war films , 50s Kurosawa films and 60s Eastern mysticism , all jammed into the cinematic crock - pot and simmered in a watery broth made from the marrow of [ Joseph ] Campbell 's thousand - headed hero . " Lucas was very much interested in mythology and building one , which is " necrophilic storytelling ; one that implicitly kills off an entire culture and plays with its corpse . . . It 's better than being God , really . Gods have to deal with the universes they create ; mythmakers merely have to say what happened . " Anything entertaining about the series is purely incidental ( his sources were entertaining after all , and the writers he hired were good , and the sheer novelty went a long way ) . Scalzi offers a test . Go and find the 1980 B - movie Battle Beyond the Stars , which was produced by Roger Corman , with a screenplay written by John Sayles , and starring Richard Thomas . It was made for $ 2 million and is funny and smart and actually entertaining , because Corman and Sayles want to entertain you . Lucas could care less if he does . Watch it and see if its better than I , II , III , and VI . They use the same sources that Lucas used . I am a huge Star Wars fan and even I have to concede that he has a point . I am also looking for Beyond the Stars now , because I am terribly curious . For those that are curious as to what he has to say about The Force Awakens , here is a link to his site : http : / / whatever . scalzi . com / 2015 / 12 / 18 / ( there are no spoilers ) . I have to say I love his blog on going to the Creation Museum , which is , sadly , located in my home state of Kentucky . He tells you flat out he thinks creationism is bunk . He went there out of curiosity . A lot of money was put into this museum ( you can tell ) . He had to wait for about an hour and a half due to a jam in the middle where there is a short movie . When you walk in you see a display of two paleontologists unearthing raptor bones . One of them says they are both the same , only he starts from the Bible and the other guy ( who doesn 't speak ) starts from " man 's reason " . Right off you have to scream b . s . It tries to put them both on equal footing , but they are not . " creationism isn 't a theory , it 's an assertion , to wit : The entire universe was created in six days , the days are 24 - hour days , the layout for the creation and for the early history of the planet and humanity is in the first chapter of Genesis and it is exactly right . " Everything in the museum is either caused by or a consequence of : The six - day creation , Adam eating from the tree of life , and Noah 's flood . I 'm rather glad that Eve , for once escapes blame for the whole fall of the human race , but poor Adam . He gets blamed for : the creation of venom , carnivorous animals , and even entropy ( the inevitable heat death of the earth ) . Then there are the dinosaurs running around Eden and being put on Noah 's ark . Its so over the top its more of an amusement park than anything else . For those who truly believe , it will be a comfort , for the rest , it will be just a day of fun . And in the end , this is a good thing . Creationism is not going away anytime soon , so we should be glad that it is totally ridiculous and boxed up and put away somewhere . Scalzi kind of goes off on a rant that even his wife thinks might be a bit much , when he sees the ads for the channel WE , when it was starting up . They show a montage of female celebrities : Victoria Williams , Cindy Crawford , and Faye Dunaway . Each is listing their achievements . " I 'm an actress . I 'm an athlete . I 'm a friend . " His point is that " women should [ not ] feel compelled to qualify their successes through the prism of their gender . Any time you have to qualify your success , you implicitly diminish it . " It also bothers him that all the women are attractive . Faye Dunaway was chosen as a " director " , but has only directed one movie , which was for WE . They could have picked Penny Marshall , Betty Thomas , or Mimi Leder , all very successful directors . In the end , he concludes , the ad is pandering to women , not inspiring them and if this is a network for women what does that say about how they think of you . At the heart of it PETA is not a really bad organization . I mean it stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals . The problem lies in the fact that they are more often interested in ticking people off than anything else . At one time they were going to promote breastfeeding in Mississippi by putting up a billboard of Baby Jesus suckling the Virgin Mary 's nipples . Pregnant women already know that breastfeeding is better for their baby . If they haven 't already heard if from a doctor / nurse / midwife , then the " La Leche League mafia " would have told them . They were really just after making the religious conservatives angry . Of course , this brings up the question of why is this so offensive ? It 's what happened . Could it be that Christians don 't like to dwell on humanity of both Christ and Mary ? " Jesus ' suffering was rooted in his divinity - - he was called on to redeem the sins of the world - - but the actual suffering part was predicated upon his human nature . Being nailed to the cross to die doesn 't work if He Who is Nailed doesn 't have the humanity required to suffer . " Their dual nature of being both divine and human makes them special and the fact that Mary breastfed Jesus is a part of that . There are so many more I want to write about , like the blog about I Hate Your Politics , Bad Chocolate , Adorable Little Punks , Christopher Robin is Out There in the Woods , Best Gay Guy of the Millennium ( Richard the Lionhearted ) , The Problem With Parents , Ayn Rand , Mom ! , The Speckless Sky ( written the day after 9 / 11 ) , Football With Jesus , The New Sesame Street Characters Suck , and the Best Personal Hygiene Product of the Millennium . This is such a joy to read , the only drawback some might find , is that he chose to not correct any spelling or grammar errors he made on his blog . After a while , though , when you get reading , your mind just reads what it knows is supposed to be there naturally and you stop noticing them . Trust me , this is something that annoys me to bits and I found this to be true . My brain just auto - corrected subconsciously . Her is the address for the blog Whatever : http : / / whatever . scalzi . com / . Its funny . At the beginning of his book when he is describing blogs he talks about how people assume that blogs are written by agnsty teens and cat lovers who put up lots of pictures , he doesn 't really mention to what extent he falls in the latter category . I went to his website and he puts up lots of pictures of his cats . He 's still writing science fiction books and blogging about everything under the sun as well , but , wow , all those cats ! Posted by This book is a continuation of the book Galileo Goes to Jail and Other Myths About Science and Religion . Ronald Numbers did the Galileo book and when Kostas Kampourakis met up with him in 2012 , the two conceived of a book dedicated to science education myths . They agreed to have over two dozen colleagues collaborate on this project , all of whom are experts in the field upon which they are discussing . As usual , I jumped right in and discovered I already knew about the myth of their being no scientific discovery between the Greeks and the Scientific Revolution ( especially the Dark Ages ) , mainly due to suppression by Christianity . So , I skipped that and the next one was that people before Columbus thought the world was flat . Wow , I 'm thinking . I know more about hard core science than I thought apparently , because I knew this one and the next one about Copernicus and the truth about his heliocentric views . I decide as this point it would be wise to go to the front and look at the various myths and find the ones I did not know . I started running into trouble with Myth 7 : That Friedrich Wohler 's Synthesis of Urea in 1828 Destroyed Vitalism and Gave Rise to Organic Chemistry . My best friend in college , a very intelligent woman , had to take organic chemistry twice . I knew I had no hope of understanding that chapter if she had trouble with it . Maybe most of these are well know to even my science - loving friends . I have not heard of them ( heck I cannot understand some of them ) . I am tossing this book out there for them to see . What I have read of it is well written . They chose the excellent writers and I do intend to look for the other book and see what if it holds any mysteries that I am unaware of and , more importantly , have the patience to try to understand . Posted by I started in on this book , as I do all books , blindly , because I do not want to be influenced in any way , so I just started reading . He starts off fine enough by talking about all the progress that has been made recently with the decriminalization of homosexuality and the criminalization of raping your wife and laws on domestic assault . He starts to get a little slippery when wanders off into sexual slander and how many men are brought down ( such as Hoover and Snowden ) by the hint of a sexual scandal . He then goes on to mention his previous book , which I think may sound interesting : Sex and Punishment : Four Thousand Years of Judging Desire . What Plato , the Renaissance writers , and Victorians have to say on the matter could be intriguing . Then he starts attacking science . " With its gloss of objective truth , science is often an unassailable basis for determining not only which types of sexual conduct should be condemned outright an which treated as pathologies , but also the types of punishments and treatments that should be imposed . The problem is that justice is impossible unless it is consistent , and in the sciences , the proven truths of one year can well become the next year 's falsehoods . " He then goes on to praise the Bible for , while being a poor judge of sex , at least a consistent one . And that " doctors and researchers make terrible moralizers . " Judges , too , but that is because they listen to the doctors and scientists . He uses as his examples homosexuals who , until 1973 , were listed in the DSM as mentally ill . Today , he says kids are being accused of sex crimes for touching their siblings " inappropriately " and parents who don 't use cloths to wash their children face the same fate . I 've never even heard of this , but I am sure there is an instance somewhere in the United States that this has happened , but I imagine it is very rare and no scientist or psychologist backs this up . He continues in the vein with the belief that sex offenders are less likely to re - offend than other criminals . He gives no data on this , or says by how much . When he starts in on my wheelhouse of the psychiatric profession putting thoughts into the heads of those who have accused the priests and members of the Catholic Church of molestation in order to get a huge payday from the rich papacy , this is the point that the book nearly went flying into the wall . Its been a long time since I 've sent a book airborne . In college Faulkner got that treatment a lot . Especially As I Lay Dying . It went against walls , across the lobby floor , into furniture . It flew so many times it earned enough frequent air miles to fly several times around the world . This book , however , I did not own , and I did not want to own . It belongs to the library and if I had thrown it and damaged it I would have been stuck with this horrid thing . Instead , when I return it , I will merely slam it really hard in the return bin . The author , by the way , is a civil rights lawyer . For some reason I 've always thought better of them . One bad apple will not make me change my mind about them yet . First off , this is a very long book . It clocks in at 657 pages . Do not let that deter you . You will not notice . When I ended the book I could not tell you when I started the book . It felt as though I had slipped inside a wormhole through time into another time in history and when I reemerged , it seemed as though time had not passed . Second , this book is a very important book and must be read , especially by women . This camp , the stories of these women have been forgotten for long enough , and that is the true crime . This will be the hardest review I have ever written , for many reasons , but mainly because it will be hard to not tell all their stories here . Every story is important . Every story must be told . I implore you to read this book . Before we begin this journey , I will start by saying something that may not be very poplar . Very few people are purely evil , or purely good . I was a psychology major and we are rather obsessed with the seven point bi - polar scale . On the Evil Scale at the One end you might have Pope Francis , Mother Theresa , President Carter , and Joan of Arc . On the Seven point you might have Stalin , Hitler , Mao and Bloody Mary . This scale will be in a bell shape , with most of us falling in the middle . Humans are not simple beings . You cannot take a paintbrush and slap it across every Nazi or German . Some German youths chose to go to work camps rather than join the Hitler Youth ( you had a choice Benedict ) . Some hid people in their homes . Some Nazi guards gave prisoners food . Some Nazi doctors actually treated their patients , and one you will find , went way beyond that . Its easy to see things in black and white . The Allies , by the way , were not necessarily the perfect heroes of the story either . Most of us have an equal amount of evil and good in us and it depends on our choices as to which side wins out in that moment . In the late 1960s , a man named Milgram at Yale University conducted an experiment , commonly called " the Nazi Experiment " on students ( this was before psychology found it 's ethics ) . For those that are curious about how Americans would act in situations set to be similar to those of SS officers , here is a link that explains the study : https : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Milgram _ experiment . One of the main reasons people have never heard of Ravensbruck is because after the war it fell on Soviet land , under the Iron Curtain . The Soviets celebrated the communists who died there , especially Olga Benario whom they erected an interesting statue of that still stands today , even though it has been redone once Germany was unified . Sadly the Soviets tore everything down . Another reason is that the Brits who held the war crimes trial sealed the records . Also , the women were told not to say anything , and frankly , quite a few really didn 't want to talk about it anyway . It also didn 't help that they were women either and not there because they were Jewish . In the 1990s some women historians began to write about Ravensbruck and the stories of other women in the camps who had also been ignored , but they are a small minority . On March 22 , 1933 , Hitler opened the first concentration camp . It was for those who were enemies of the state : Communists , Social Democrats , Unionists , etc . . . Some may have been Jews , but that was not why they were there . This was done to crush the opposition . By 1937 , nearly all would be released , broken men . The women were put in jail . By 1936 , the jails were beginning to overflow . A place , more jail than camp , called Moringen , was where the women were sent . In 1937 the Jehovah 's Witness 's were sent there when they protested their husbands being called up to war and for calling Hitler the Antichrist . The men went to the newly opened camp , Buchenwald . In 1937 the law against Rassenschande ( race shame ) outlawed any relationship between Jew and non - Jew , which brought in more women , Jewish , to the jail as well as vagrants . Habitual criminals were also arrested and the gypsies would be sent there too . In 1938 the police rounded up the prostitutes . Himmler now had a new idea for the concentration camps . He could fill it with degenerates and provide a work force for the Reich , and maybe subjects for his experiments . With the women 's prisons overflowing , this would mean that a women 's concentration camp would be needed too . Johanna Langefeld was brought on to be the head female guard . She was a single mother who had started out working at a job rehabilitating prostitutes and then moved on to work as a guard in the jails . Sadly , she thought she would actually be in charge of the camp . Actually , it would be SS Officer Max Koegel , whom she would later describe as a sadist . The camp , Ravensbruck , was located in the Mecklenburg lake district near the town of Furstenberg . It was quite a nice spot in the woods , which was important to Himmler , as he believed that the cleansing of German blood should begin close to nature . A few SS men , including Himmler , had houses out there . Ravensbruck was fifty miles north of Berlin , which would be convenient for him when he would go to visit his mistress who lived nearby . It was built by the men from the Sachsenhausen camp nearby , who would also provide the daily bread for the women . The blocks were painted and in rows with red flowers planted in front and a tree by each one . They had chickens ( Himmler was obsessed with them . He started out as a chicken farmer . ) and peacocks ( no idea why ) and a rabbit hutch . This place was to be as self sustaining as possible . On May 15 , 1939 , on a bright sunny morning , the first women arrived at the newly opened Ravensbruck camp . First off , Jews only made up ten percent of the population and the only reason they were there is because they were either asocials , criminals , or politicals . None of them were even particularly religious , which would eventually cause a problem in their block , because they couldn 't get along , since they had nothing in common . The women were greeted by guards with German Shepards and orders and insults . If they helped a woman who had collapsed , they were lashed or knocked down by a dog . Instantly it was to line up in lines of five . ' Achtung . Achtung . Ranks of five . Hands by your sides . ' This would become way too familiar to them . There were 867 woman that day . They were given a toothbrush , tooth mug , nugget of soap , small towel , bowl , plate , knife , fork , spoon , blanket , and pillow . If you lost one of these items , you were reported . Eventually , the number of rules would mount and get ridiculous , depending on who was making them , and you could get punished for a scratch on your mug . The bed had to be made in the ' Prussian style ' . They were sent to the showers where their clothing and items were removed , bagged , and itemized to be placed in storage . The women were scrubbed down and searched everywhere , while the SS guards watched laughing . Then their heads , and probably their pubic hair , was shaved to get rid of lice . They were then given the infamous striped dresses to wear and clogs , but only for winter . They sewed on their colored triangle ( green for criminal , red for political , lilac for Jehovah 's Witness , black for asocials ( prostitute , beggar , petty criminal , lesbian ) , yellow for Jews with the color of whatever they were in there for as a background . Every morning they were roused from their beds and ran to the Appellplatz , for Appell , where they would be counted . They could be made to stand as long as the guards wanted them to . At the beginning most of the work was done by the water , as materials were coming in and they had to haul them up , such as bricks . They also loaded up sand , for no reason that I could find , only to dump it and do it again . There was also this large log that had to be pulled by ropes up a hill to flatten the sand so things could be brought up . I really don 't need to say that this was back breaking labor . Some , who had specialized talents , could get out of this . Hanna Strumm , a German Communist and jack - of - all - trades , found work around the camp doing carpentry and such . She was quite good at picking things up and hiding them on herself , such as a pen or scissors and once a knife . She would also come across a copy of War and Peace that was likely being used for toilet paper and sneaked it back to the block and started a reading group until she got caught . But she was tough and resourceful . I know you should not find humor in a book about a concentration camp , but frankly , I could not help but laugh out loud over this . Max Koegel immediately had a problem and it wasn 't , as you would think of a Nazi , about the Jews : it was the Jehovah 's Witnesses . The only reason they had ended up in the camp in the first place was because of a riot . This is something that some of you may not understand . All they had to do to leave the camp was to sign a paper renouncing their faith . They were not being asked to stop believing in God or Jesus . Just to say on paper that they were no longer Jehovah 's Witnesses . I was raised Southern Baptist . Southern Baptist , Presbyterian , Methodist , it does not really matter . I wouldn 't have a problem signing that paper . I could still believe in God . It was Germany and most of them were Lutheran . I could do that . A Jehovah 's Witness , however , like a Catholic ( which is how I came to understand this , as my step - mother is one , and stated she would never had signed the paper either ) is a whole different kettle of fish . There were over a thousand of them in the camp and only five ever signed the paper , no matter what they were put through . These women , though , they drove Koegel up a wall . Its just kinda funny how he continually is pulling his hair out over these women and nothing he does bends them , never mind breaks them . They pissed him off more than anything else . Starving them wouldn 't work , he kept telling the higher ups . ( Himmler , when he visited , had a solution . He understood them . They would never lie or try to escape and as long as you did not make them do war work they would be fine . He put some in SS officers homes as housekeepers . Koegel would never understand them . ) Koegel believed more rigorous punishment was needed , which was something that Langefeld was strictly against . She believed you could keep discipline and order without resorting to strong violence . At this point punishment could consist of having to stand outside for hours on end . The first female guards to come werA lot of the new guards were young and looking to meet a man , such as the SS men at the camps , or just to find a better job with a nice apartment to live in . A few were single mothers attracted to the money and ability to send their children to school . The problem was mostly with the young ones . They would quickly come to love the power and become savage . They would become Koegel 's guards , not Langefeld 's , as they should have been . Langefeld would constantly find herself in a fight with Koegel over the camp . She was against having a punishment bunker , but he would convince the higher ups to build one , a Strafblock . Depending on what you " did " , you could be put in with a mattress and blanket and receive a cup of " coffee " and bread for breakfast and soup for dinner or complete darkness , bare floor , coffee and bread every day and soup every four days . There was no telling how long you might stay there . Dorthea Binz , one of Koegel 's guards ( Langefeld was not allowed in the Strafblock ) was the worst of the worst . She would hit , whip , beat and throw water on you daily . In the winter a Jehovah 's Witness was found frozen to the floor after being soaked by water and had to be pried up . Koegel would also introduce the Bock , a devise the women laid on while they were whipped twenty - five times on the buttocks . Sometimes this might kill them . The Jehovah 's Witnesses experienced it a lot . There would also be a place to break rocks back where the Strafblock was as a form of punishment . Himmler knew that it would be impossible to hire enough people to staff the camps so he came up with the ingenious idea of having prisoners become a guard of sorts . In the male camps they were called kapos , in Ravensbruck they were called blockovas . The first blockovas were from the criminals and asocials . Each block had one and it was their responsibility to make sure everyone followed the rules . In return , they got to stay behind to do paperwork and such and avoid hard labor , get extra food , a better bed , and other niceties . But if you made a mistake , they would demote you and send you into the block you were blockovas of and the idea was that they would " take care of you " , and do not doubt that they would . There was a gypsy who was an acrobat and managed to escape three times . The third time she escaped from the Strafblock where she was sent to break rocks . The problem was that it was hard to hide and the Nazi 's with their dogs were good trackers , so they always found her . When they went to look for her they made those in the Strafblock stand , without food , until she came back . It would take them four days to find her and bring her back . When they did they just gave her to the women . When they were finished with her , well , let 's just say what was left was rather unrecognizable as a body . When the bock was brought out , it was the criminals that did most of the lashings on the prisoners . They were some of the cruelest ones there . Especially Minnie Rupp , who remained in powerful positions the entire time mainly because she helped the Nazis . She would pay for that later . As a blockova you could also help out your friends . The Poles would begin arriving later in 1939 . Everyone talks about the tragedy of the Jewish people of not having their homeland and thus Israel was created . Yes , they were kicked about every country over there going back thousands of years . However , people seem to overlook the people of Poland . For almost two centuries their country had been basically wiped off the map . They had just gotten it back after World War I when Hitler came in and began decimating it in 1939 . The Polish people are a sturdy lot . Both the men and the women were taught to fight and part of their very long resistance movement had always included education . That way , no matter if every building , book , artifact , or whatever is destroyed , there will always be the children to live on with the knowledge of their culture and history to pass on . After the war , as you know , the Soviet Union would swallow them up . It does seem that hardship follows them . Among them would be a group of teenagers who figured they were safe enough because if they were going to be killed it would have been done in Poland , where they spent time in jail there , not be taken by train all the way to Germany to do it . There would also be Countesses . It would be these women who would continue to teach the girls so they would not get behind on their schooling . The communists would manage a coup and get some of the positions held by the criminals and asocials . They would now be blockovas . A German communist named Grete Buber - Neumann had headed to the " homeland " of communism , the Soviet Union , with her husband before the war . Both would be arrested . What were the charges ? Who knows ? It was Stalin and he often did that sort of thing . Her husband would be shot and she would be sent to a gulag in Siberia . When Stalin signed the pact with Hitler he made a " gift " of some prisoners to him . Grete was one of them . I 'll spoil this for you . She is the only person to survive both Stalin 's gulag and Hitler 's camp . She wrote a book about it and I am looking for it . She was met eagerly at the camp , as all new arrivals were because they might have new information of the outside world . The communists in the camp , however , did not like the news she had to share and called her a " Trotskyite " and a traitor . They blackballed her . Grete would find herself alone in the camp for a while . It would be Grete that Langefeld would come to in the 1950s to apologize to and to tell her story to , which is how we know what we know about Langefeld . Grete was at one time her secretary and said that Langefeld was a devout Lutheran and a firm believer in the Fuhrer and what he is doing for Germany . As time passed the two would war within herself . At some point she would have to choose a side and she does . It would be Langefeld who put the first Jew as a blockova . I mentioned earlier that the Jewish block was having trouble getting along . It was becoming a real problem and Langefeld believed she had just the person for the job : The famous Olga Benario . A Jewish communist , Olga left home at a very young age and headed for the Soviet Union where she rose in the ranks of the communist organization . She would leave to go to Brazil , where with the help of her husband Luis Carlos Prestes led a force to try to overtake the government and bring communism to Brazil . He would be arrested and she would try to sneak back into Germany , but the British would tell the Germans who arrested her at the dock . Pregnant , she would give birth to a girl , Anita , who would be sent to live with Luis 's mother in Mexico . Every effort was made to get her out of the camp before the war started , when it was still possible to get people out , but they could not get her papers to her in time . Langefeld would be right about Olga . She was not cruel to these women but taught them the secrets they needed to know such as how to make a better bed faster . She did everything she could to help them and in no time the block was organized and getting along much better . From those who survived and wrote down , or told others of their experiences , many names are often remembered . The asocials are rarely among those . Elsa Krug was quite the exception . Elsa moved to the big city of Dusseldorf after the death of her father , who made a good living as a tailor . When he died , she was twenty and there was no one to bring in any money . Like most girls , she had no training and quickly found out that you cannot get by cleaning houses or working in a factory . Prostitution offered more money . Krug specialized in S & M and was not ashamed of it . She even joked to Grete that after the war she 'd never be able to get the money she was getting , so she was going to have to come up with something really clever to bring them in . Krug had stopped having any connection to her mother , of course , but her mother had not given up on her . She was actively looking for her . Krug ran the kitchen peeling potatoes , which was a prime spot because it allowed you a chance to swipe some food . When Grete became blockova of one of the asocial blocks , they of course gave her a hard time , but Krug jumped in and put them in their place and helped Grete out . Krug was notorious for helping others . She had a big heart . A snitch would end her time in the kitchen and send her to the Strafblock for taking food and she would be pounding rocks for a while . Koegel was looking around for someone to whip some prisoners and his eyes fell on Krug , who was a rather broad woman , and he told her to do it . She refused . He told her she would regret that one day . In 1939 , the Nazis had begun perfecting their gassing techniques . At around this point they began rounding up the mentally and physically unfit in the asylums and homes and started busing them to a castle , Grafeneck , where the coach house was set up as a gas chamber . People , important people like a judge and an ardent Nazi aristocrat , however began to notice and complain . They wrote letters telling Hitler that it was not right . Hitler and Himmler were not stupid people . They approached things like getting into a chilly pool : a little bit at a time so your body slowly becomes acclimated to it . This is why they did not round up every group they hated and immediately killed them . The Germans would not have stood for this . It takes baby steps and planning and getting people used to ideas first . When Hitler invaded the Soviet Union , Himmler told the SS to kill all the Jewish men . It would be at least another month before he would give the order to also kill the Jewish women and children . He had to make the SS hardened to killing civilians first , so that it would be possible to kill all civilians . This would happen again in 1941 when they were now using gas chambers in an old Franciscan priory . A bishop would write of how the town was upset and the old people were worried that they were next . They were cremating the bodies , which also became a nightmare , as some families would end up with two urns and lots of urns were going out at once and people were noticing . So Himmler gave up and sent them back to the asylums and homes and killed them there , either by the needle , poison , or starvation and no one complained again . This is important , because this is where the first women of Ravensbruck would be sent . Thanks to Dr . Friedrich Mennecke and his many letters home to his wife , we have a very detailed account of the selection process , how many were taken , who was involved , the whole nine yards . Dr Sonntag , a rather evil man was the first head of the Revier , or hospital , at the camp . He had already begun a list that included those who had VD ( The first experiments in the camp were performed on the prostitutes , as Himmler was hoping to find cures for various VDs . No one deserves that ) . By 1942 Himmler and Hitler wanted Germany to be Juden - Frei . And it would be . 2000 women would be taken from the camp in trucks over a period of months . It wasn 't just the Jews , though , or those with VD or TB . It could be anyone . And that frightened everyone once they discovered that they were being sent off to be killed . Those who worked in the camp offices were given death certificates mostly filled out . They just had to put in a name and a cause of death . They were told they could choose from a list what to tell the families the prisoner had died from . The families would receive a death notice and a request for money if they wanted the ashes sent to them . The blockovas were told they had to select names . Some deny doing so , but a few admit to it and said that better they did it then the Nazis . Krug would be among them . Koegel did not forget her . Nor did her mother . After the war she was still searching contacting survivors groups for information . It would be the communists that would be the ones to tell her of her daughter 's fall from grace and her amazing bravery and courage that she could be proud of . By 1942 , the Poles would be taking over the blockova spots from the communists . In April , however , something began to change for them . A group of Polish women was called to go nach vorne , out front , to the office that morning . That night they were taken outside the gates and shot . The thousands of other women were standing at Appell that evening when they heard the shots . Every so often after that , a group of Poles would be rounded up and taken outside the gates and killed , only the next times , they did it in a place where the shots could not be heard . This would only be the beginning for the Poles . A high ranking Nazi 's car was bombed on a road and had shrapnel in him . The doctor , Gebhardt , one of the top ones in the organization , was not able to save him . He died of infection . This , coupled with the rumor that the Americans were using sulphonamides over penicillin , as it was better , even though the doctor insisted that it was not , but Himmler saw an opportunity to experiment and find out . A group of 75 Polish girls from the Lublin transport of 1941 , were brought in the Revier and their legs were examined and they left and more were brought in . The doctors were Karl Gebhardt and Fritz Fischer , as well as camp doctors Rolf Rosenthal and Gerhard Schiedlausky as well as the much , hated Herta Oberheuser . Six remained behind , including Wanda Wojtasik . When they returned to their block , they were staggering from the drugs . The next day the six go back to the Revier where one by one they are put under . When Wanda wakes up in bed , she has a plaster on both legs with the letters IIITK . The others have similar markings . Wanda 's friend , Krysia Czyz comes to the window to see her that night and Wanda gives her a smile and shows her her leg to try to reassure her . The girls are wheeled in again and the plaster is taken off and put back on again . They all begin to develop fevers and their wounds are leaking brown pus . Again they are brought back in and the plaster is taken off and left off . This is when they notice that the cut to their leg was made to the bone and dirt , glass , and wood has been ground in in order for bacteria to grow and form an infection that they can experiment with the treatments . The whole time a sheet is kept in front of the girl 's faces so they cannot see the doctors , but they manage anyway and are able to identify them later . And no , they never do remove the stuff from these women 's legs . A new group is sent in including Jadwiga Kaminska . Wanda has taken over duties as a night nurse , which Jadwiga will take over when Wanda leaves . Jadwiga notices something different with the new girls that come in after her . Someone wasn 't happy with the non - conclusive results and wanted more tests . They wanted battlefield experiments and suggested shooting the girls in the leg , but Gebhardt was against that and just went with more bacteria . One of them starts to get all stiff and has the code EII . And another has something different too with a code of KI . A Polish doctor , Zofia Maczka , working in the Revier as a radiologist is not allowed on the infected ward , but she does listen in at keyholes and doors and watches through windows . She notices the vials of bacteria the doctors bring , which are labeled , and left lying around . She gets the word out to others as who has what at what dose . EII is a very lethal dose of tetanus and a very excruciating way to die . KI was gas gangrene , also deadly . There are also Polish medical students working in the lab who provide information . Dr . Maczka keeps records that she intends to use to convict them later . Oh , and the girls were told that if they participated in the experiments they would be freed . They knew this to be a lie . They also knew the alternative was being shot outside the gates . But that would not be the end . In November a man called Ludwig Stumpfegger would show up and start breaking bones and operating on muscles . The first bone breakage was done to the sixteen - year - old Polish dancer Basia Pietrzyk . He would not only break them , he would remove them , or take them out and surgically put them in one of the male prisoner 's body 's who didn 't have one to see if you could do a transplant . Knees were drilled . And it just got worse from there . But it wasn 't just the Poles anymore . These girls would become known as the rabbits because of the way they hopped around and because they were experimented on like lab rabbits . Jadwiga would begin the organization to bring food and things to the first girls , but everyone in the camp was behind them because it was so horrible and because it could so easily be them next . The camp became quite protective of the rabbits . By mid - 1942 , the rabbits began to notice in the Revier that some of them were being lethally injected at a faster pace . The doctors had been doing this since the beginning to the sick with a bit of phenol , Evipan , or petrol . Dr . Maczka noticed that the German abortionist nurse , Gerda Quernheim , who was a prisoner ( at her trial she insulted Hitler , which is how she ended up in the camp ) was being given free reign to inject anyone - - and she began to , with Dr . Rosenthal , the drunk doctor she had been helping perform abortions at camp , including two of her own by him . The two seemed to get off on killing patients . They chose victims with gold teeth or crowns that they could sell . Once the rabbits left the Revier , they were sent back to their block where friends would try to nurse them back to health . By January of 1943 , Oberheuser would announce that there would be no more experiments and the rabbits were back in their blocks recovering . Krysia , who had also become a rabbit , would get the idea at this time of telling the world about what was going on . But how ? The Polish underground knew about the camps , but no one knew about the experiments and if they could get word to them , they would get word to the Polish government in exile in London , who would get word to the International Committee of the Red Cross and the Pope and the rest of the world and they might be protected from being killed off as living witnesses of Nazi crimes . The girls had all been scouts and learned about secret writing and Krysia 's mother had told her about using urine during World War I as invisible ink . They were allowed to send carefully worded letters home and decided to send a message in one letting them know that the next letter would have the invisible ink written in the margins and between lines . The family sent care packages to the camp and the signal that they had gotten the letter might be a piece of yarn , with a return message in a tube of toothpaste . The Nazis never seemed to question their need for so much toothpaste . Krysia 's mother was a major in the Lublin ' Home Army ' and had many contacts in the resistance and the information she sent out to them was sent on to London and over the radio for all of Poland , and eventually all of underground Europe to see . The rabbits became quite famous . When the sub - camps were built by the German companies that began doing war work for the Nazis , one of the rabbits would be sent to one of them once a week or so to take and deliver messages . A Polish POW camp was right there and Zofia made a friend . He would leave a package for them in the women 's room there that would include food and stuff , but also , perhaps more importantly to them , the Eucharist . They would leave behind letters he would send along with his . The two would remain friends , but only friends , no matter how many times others would try to intimate otherwise . Sadly , their faith in the Allies , the International Committee of the Red Cross and the Pope were all misplaced . America and Britain 's plan was to win the war and worry about innocents being tortured and killed later . The ICRC 's mandate is to help POW 's and soldiers , not civilians , however , if an atrocity is being committed , they are to raise the alarm loudly . They knew all along what was going on in the camps from the beginning . They knew just about everything Himmler knew and they did nothing . They had a meeting and to a man , they voted to do nothing . The first woman to ever be on the committee , however , voted violently for them to do something . The girls tried to get the ICRC to just send them parcels because if they did it would signal to the Germans that the world was watching . They refused . The woman said if they weren 't going to help them the least they could do was to send them a blade so they could kill themselves with it if they needed to . The Pope , Pope Pius X , has often been called Hitler 's Pope for a reason . And after the war , it would be the Catholic church who help SS officers get out of the country . That is all I will say about the fate of the rabbits . You would not believe the rest if I told you . In July , 1942 , Red Army nurses and doctors were cut off at the tip of the Crimean Peninsula taking care of the wounded . They were told by the soldiers that a ship would come back for them , but that was a lie . Stalin , by the way , did not believe in prisoners of war only traitors . They , along with the soldiers still alive were marched on . As they followed the Germans they noticed that in each village the Jews were being killed . With the men , they could not hide their Jewishness ( circumcision was only done by Jews at that time ) , but you really couldn 't tell with the women ( Back at Ravensbruck there were still Jews the guards did not know about who had escaped death and there would be hundreds more . ) . Three of the women were picked out and shot . The women were separated from the men and marched in a different direction . A message from the front of the line started to come down : " Be strong . " " Look after each other . Believe in Soviet victory . " You would think this was coming from an officer , but it was from a 42 - year - old teacher , who had served as a nurse during World War I and now World War II . Her name was Yevgenia Lazarevna Klemm and she had the dreamy romantic view of communism that , in her own way , she took with her to her death . After all she did for her country she deserves to see her country in a nice way and be proud of it , even if it did not deserve her . She would be the one to hold this group together . When one of them would tell the Germans one of the doctors was a Jew , likely because the two had never gotten along , Klemm would put her foot down and tell them " We are all Soviet Army girls . Take care of each other and we will survive this . " She would also insist that they keep their uniforms on . They took cattle cars and eventually arrived in Soest . Russian and Ukrainian civilians were being selected for farm and munitions work . Klemm would tell them to stand firm and not doing any war work . She told the Gestapo chief that under the Geneva Convention he could not force prisoners of war to make arms for their enemies . Of course , both of them knew this was ridiculous on many counts . First , they weren 't soldiers . Second , Stalin never signed the Geneva Convention and Third , Hitler threw that out a long time ago . Klemm also gambled that the Gestapo wasn 't about to kill 500 uniformed women , doctors and nurses , right on German soil . Three days later , the Germans put them on a train to Ravensbruck . They would arrive on the 23 of February 1943 . A lot of what is known about these women , and others , have been found in letters collected by Antonina Nikiforova , a Red Army doctor who arrived in March of 1944 and collected material in the camp that she hoped to use in a book . However , SMERSh , Soviet intelligence , confiscated everything . That did not stop her . She contacted everyone and wrote letters and kept them locked up until after her death in 1994 . They are now at the Ravensbruck archives still being gone through . ( All Soviets would be grilled by SMERSh after the war , which would include 800 , 000 women . If they were lucky they were only blacklisted from jobs . Some were sent to Siberia or even killed . Once Stalin died , however , things calmed down , but they were looked upon as tainted for having been among the Fascist . ) By this time Koegel was gone and Suhren had taken his place . Now , Himmler had successfully avoided any interference from the ICRC , but if these women entered wearing their uniforms declaring themselves POW 's there could be a real problem . So Suhren tricked them . They arrived in the dead of night and were sneaked into the showers where they had to take their uniforms off and given their new dress to wear and then sent to a special barrack apart from the camp , ringed by barbed wire and guarded by the newly formed camp police , made up of inmates armed with whips and truncheons . While there , the communist community reached out to help them and give them information . Klemm also realized that they needed to learn German if they were going to make it in the camp , so she took the German speakers and organized groups of classes while they were in the barracks . They would also notice the building of the crematoriums . By the summer of 1943 , they had run out of prison clothes and started handing out dead women 's clothes from Auschwitz . The Red Army women would first start off doing the back breaking work in the sand pits . Klemm , because of her age and infirmaries ( she had lost some sight in one eye among other things ) would knit with some of the other women and rabbits . Later , the doctors and nurses would get jobs in the Revier , which they would feel conflicted about as they would be working for the enemy , but Klemm told them they would be helping fellow prisoners and would have access to medicines they could sneak into the blocks to help even more . For the first time , people were being cured in the Revier because they were being treated by prison doctors and nurses . The Norwegian and French were beginning to arrive now too and lucky for French ethnologist , Germaine Tillion , an expert on African tribes until the resistance called , this was a time when she could get treatment from the popular Czech doctor Zdenka Nedvedova , who had come from Auschwitz , or she would have died right after getting there from diphtheria . This also marks the arrival of Dr . Treite , who at first seemed like a breath of fresh air compared to the other SS doctors they had been dealing with , but he is a complicated man , and , I 'm afraid a very weak one . There were some that Dr . Treite worked hard to save . He also organized the Revier . However , some of the doctors would tell you that there were those that were not taken care of very well , such as the diphtheria patients . He could also be convinced , later to take people 's names off lists , but you would be responsible for finding another name to put on that list . Was he complicit in what the Nazis were doing there ? Yes . I did mention he was a weak man and he wasn 't really happy to be there . He had been headed to Berlin to do further scientific studies . He was , however , much better than what had come before . The NN block , or " night and fog " was one that people were sent to disappear . These women knew that they were unlikely to survive , so they did more than others to preserve their stories and the story of the camp itself . Germaine Tillon had already begun a study of the camp . She made many friends including communists and various nationalities who had connections in various parts of the camp , such as the Revier and the offices . At first , she tried to keep the all the information she gathered in her mind , but luckily she would get a hold of paper and a writing utensil to put it down on . She would be put in the NN block , but that would not stop her from her research or keep her many informants from getting her the data she needed . At this time there was also a Gestapo man on site by the name of Ludwig Ramdohr and he was a thoroughly evil man . Even the guard Binz was scared of him . He recruited prisoners to be spies . And he never had trouble doing this . His office held a house of horrors , where blood marred his walls . If you stayed in his good graces by spying or giving him sexual favors , you would be rewarded with chocolates or other delicacies that arrived in prisoner 's parcels . The women soon came not to trust anyone who exited his office with a beating . The first sub - camp that opened was by the company Siemens and it was right outside Ravensbruck . There would be many others that would include the famous car company Daimler - Benz . It was because of these sub - camps that Himmler needed more workers , especially once the workers started dying and the agreement made him responsible for labor . So , while they were still taking women out to be shot , they began to bring women in from Auschwitz , where they were separating people in groups to be gassed and groups that could work . These sub - camps were not necessarily better than working in the camp itself . Some were actually punishment camps , where they sent you to do useless work until you died . Members of the Red Army would be sent far north to some frozen hell to do war work , and while they refused to do it at first , they remembered Klemm 's words before they left , basically don 't get yourself shot . So they worked and tried to survive and help each other . At the camp , women worked in shops making uniforms , fur coats and mittens from the rabbit 's fur , and other items for the soldiers . It was twelve hours of hard work with a demon tailor ( they weren 't SS men running these shops ) constantly watching over you . In both the sub - camps and in these workshops the women would find ways to sabotage . One woman taught the others how to use a needle to poke holes in the gloves so that when the soldiers would put them on they would fall apart . The strength of the button being sewn on the military jackets was checked , but not whether it was lined up with the button hole . You could mess with the making of ammo , plane parts , or even bombs . When some of them would get caught , they would be killed . But to most of them , it was worth it . There was also the job of working in the brothels set up at the men 's camps for the male prisoners . Himmler came up with this idea as a way to motivate the men to be more productive workers . They began with disease - free prostitutes at Ravensbruck and told them they would only have to do this for six months and then they could go home . One woman who managed to find a way back to the camp told the real story . The women had sex with these men all day long with only a break for dinner and sleep ( And of course they lied about the six months thing . ) . When the French prostitutes would arrive in 1944 , they would use them . In between , when they were running low , any woman might find herself working at the brothel . As 1943 bled into 1944 , the place would become very overcrowded and more like the UN every day . By the end of the war there would a total of 21 nationalities present , including seven Chinese and some Egyptians ( The author supposes that ended up there due to their marriage ) . There were even Americans , including Virgina Lake , who disappeared in France doing war work and whose mother was driving the State Department crazy with her demands that they get her out of there . The French would begin to arrive in earnest around February 1944 and come to be referred to as the vingt - sept mille , because their numbers were in the 20 , 000s , with some of the last arriving a couple of days after Paris would be liberated by the Allies . These first French to arrive would have a very hard time of it . The Nazis would do their best to turn the camp against them . Their early attitude did not help . That would change quickly . They were getting sick and starving because their stomachs could not handle the foreign food . But some of the women in the camp would help them and save them . But quite a few died quickly . These French resistance women also had a rather stuck up attitude about the prostitutes and only one name is remembered . Some of them were there because they gave the German soldiers VD , but some were there because they hid soldiers as part of an unusual underground railroad system made up of brothels . Romances between the men and the prostitutes would happen . Marie - Therese Lefebvre , a schoolteacher remembers one named " Simone " who came from her hometown of Le Havre . Simone and said that an American pilot promised to come back for her . When Marie - Therese ran into Simone after the war , Simone asked her advice on whether she should accept his proposal . Marie - Therese told her of course . " Go to America and start a new life ! " Papers show that this is exactly what happened . There were also a speculated 20 British there as well . There was a one - armed Irish nanny , Mary O ' Shaughnessy , who was there for hiding servicemen . A Red Cross nurse , no - nonsense and fierce , Mary Lindell who had married a Belgian Count and was working for MI9 ( British escape service ) . Some SOE ( Special Operations Executive ) operatives who had parachuted in to help the resistance made up most of them , however . For those women who think they have the worst ex - husband , this guy , I believe might have him beat . An Englishwoman went to France in the 1930s and met and married a French doctor . The two loved to sail on his boat along the coast . When the war broke out he encouraged her to help her country , since she knew the French coast so well . When she ended up in Ravensbruck , she sent a letter to him and he got word to London letting them know what happened to her . Then this prince of a man wrote her back and asked her for a divorce . Luckily she was able to legally change her will in the camp ( yeah , I know , I have no idea how ) . The most helpful were Julia Barry , a woman who called herself an Englishwoman but was actually a Hungarian - American who had married an Englishman and tried many times to become a citizen , but had been turned down . She had been working for the British when she had been caught and sent to Ravensbruck where she got the good position as a camp police officer and was able to keep an eye out on the Brits and let them all know about each other . Barry would also be the one to make sure Lindell got her Croix de Guerre medal back after her shower at arrival . The next group to arrive would be 12 , 000 Poles taken after the Polish Uprising . On their heels would be the Hungarian Jews ( The country of Hungary was spared for a long time because of its friendship with Germany . When the first group of Jews were taken to Auschwitz ( 450 , 000 ) , the puppet President would not let them take anymore and took a stand . He was defeated and an SS man was put in his place . ) who would trek 200 miles in the near winter , which would kill one - third of them by the time they got there . One girl , Eva Fejer took her her Girl Guide lessons seriously and went prepared with her backpack filled with food and clothing . Her knowledge of German would make her valuable to the Daimler - Benz sub - camp in Berlin . She tried to tell her friends to leave too , but they did not listen . With the first arrival of those from Auschwitz , children would now be at the camp . When Ravensbruck opened , the women were checked to see if they were pregnant and if they were they were sent away to have the baby that was then taken away to be adopted . That did not last too long before they began abortions ( they had Quernheim on hand after all ) and what I can only term as horrid births where the tiny , tiny baby was killed and thrown in a bucket . With the arrival of these Poles came many more pregnant women . Only this time , they did not perform abortions . Honestly , there were just too many of them . Some of them found out they were pregnant when they got to the camp , due to rape ( and no , not by the Germans ) . In the Revier the women were given milk and porridge to help breastfeed , but then the babies were placed in a block of their own where one of the prison doctors , a pediatrician , stayed , tried to keep them alive , but nearly all of them starved to death . The older kids would have many " camp mothers " who were more than willing to take care of them as if they were their own . Dr . Louise " Loulou " le Porz was an expert in infectious diseases , with a specialty in TB . Carmen Mory , a German spy who had really messed up in some way and had not made any friends in Binz or the other guards , but none - the - less became a powerful blockova . She would become the blockova of block 10 , the first death block in Ravensbruck . Block 10 would be split into two sections : one for the sick and one for the " lunatics " . She preferred working with the French because she hated the Poles and Austrians who held positions as blockovas . Dr . Loulou and two French nurses , Violette Lecoq and Jacqeline Heriel were there to help her . They were given no medicines to actually treat these women , but they did their best anyway , even though most of them were Poles and Russians and they didn 't understand each other except by gestures . Dr . Loulou was able to smuggle in medicines she got from a Yugoslavian pharmacist and the radiologists would help out with x - rays . As each body was piled up front , Jacqueline would snip a lock of hair for the family and put it in a book . Dr . Loulou learned all the names of her patients , their family 's names , and their illnesses . She can recite them today . In December 1944 another black convoy would take more women , mostly those from Block 10 , but also a convoy of gypsies , off to be gassed at Castle Hartheim ( One of the early euthanasia sites for the mentally and physically handicapped . 18 , 000 of them were killed there . ) before it is shut down , because of the Soviet advancing army . Things in the camp had started out very orderly and with German precision . Careful counts , an organized system of documentation upon arrival , " marches " on Sunday afternoon in the yard . At this point , that was all gone . Chaos reigned . When the Poles and Hungarians arrived they had to wait outside the gates for days or more , with some dying before being given a number . The bodies were just sent to the crematorium with no one knowing their name . Once inside and put inside the tent , they were left in there for a while and then the dead were taken out and cremated , while the living were finally given numbers . It was also easier to sneak things in . There has always been a PX store at the camp where prisoners could buy things if friends or family had mailed them money ( and they had been allowed to receive mail ) , but it was nearly empty now . Two Dutch sisters in their fifties , whose family ran a clock business , was there for hiding Jews . Corrie Ten - Boom and her sister brought in a bible and at night they would read aloud in German and you could hear it echo down the block in French , Czech , Russian , Polish , etc . . . In January 1945 , with the Soviet army close at hand , the Nazis , who had been planning this for months , began the forced Death March out of Auschwitz for the final time , blowing up the camp as they left . There were many Death Marches , but this one is rather memorable in its horror . Of those they took ( and did not kill first ) , 20 , 000 of the 60 , 000 were women . Even though children were forbidden go go , some came anyway . As they trod through the snow , they could hear the Russian artillery sounding just three miles away . They were each given a loaf of bread for their journey . If they were lucky , they had time to grab extra clothing in the storage room or medicine or whatever they might think of the right as the call came out . Most were not . The Polish farmers helped them when they could , providing shelter for them at night and slipping them food and milk to drink , or even taking a risk and hiding some if they could . After a few days of walking in - the - middle - of - nowhere Poland , the men and women were split up . The women were going to Ravensbruck , which was 420 miles northwest . The women would march another 250 miles and then get on train wagons . There were so many that arrived dead that the camp crematorium could not keep up and they had to use the one in Furstenberg as well . Up the road from Ravensbruck , there was a Youth Camp , which was actually a place that held female juvenile delinquents . At some point , Himmler had the girls moved to Ravensbruck and shut down the place . With the Allies closing in , more camps were closing and prisoners were being moved to ones still open . This meant that the ones with gas chambers were much fewer in number . In the past , they had been killing " useless mouths " mainly , but also random groups of women who would be shot . SS men from Auschwitz and other camps had arrived to help . Moll and his goons , who were experts at shooting people with little muss or fuss were very busy doing their part , but it wasn 't enough . Time was running out . They needed to get rid of as much evidence as possible and kill those who would not survive a march . So a gas chamber was built at the Youth Camp . Johann Schwarzhuber , an SS officer who started at Dachau and ended up at Auschwitz , where colleagues say was not as hard as the other officers . He helped run the men 's prisoner orchestra , spent much time becoming close to the gypsies , and supposedly said he had " not joined the SS to kill Jews . " The guards said it was quite common to see him " drunk and weeping " as inmates were led to the gas chambers . He would be the one tapped to head up the gassing program at Ravensbruck , which would be completely different than any other that had come before . Now they had no ideological reason for killing these women . They simply needed to save food , make space , and reduce the number of people left who would have to march . Because of the Death March and the Hungarian Jews arriving there were more Jews in the camp than ever before , but it still was not a death sentence . Whether or not you could walk would determine that . Also , the gassing would be done in a camp on German soil for the first time . This would be problematic as it would be hard to fool them . Schwarzhuber came upon the idea of calling the Youth Camp , Mitterda . Even the women who worked in the office were confused . Schwarzhuber would send a French doctor and nurses up there with medicines to set up an infirmary . But if you had been in the camp long enough you knew that if the Germans were telling you they wanted to send you to a better place for the sick , they could not be believed . So many did , though , until word began to sift down from women who ran errands there . Schwarzhuber recruited Ruth Neudeck , a prisoner who liked to thrash and gave her a gift of a silver - handled whip . The spy , Rupp , would also go as well . Dr . Vera Salvequart , half Czech , half German , was a prisoner and like Rupp was believed to be a spy as well as a prostitute . She was wanted across Europe . She also had a winsome smile and gentle manner that instilled trust . Dr . Vera would always insist that she was forced to work there , but others had a different tale to tell . She was given Red Cross parcels once a week and allowed to go to the men 's camp whenever she wanted . Once a prisoner has been registered , the Germans were quite rigid about having a doctor write the death card , even if the cause of death was a lie . That was the only reason for Dr . Vera 's presence there . The gassing wasn 't the only way they killed up there . They cut food rations in half and made the women stand up for hours outside . Dr . Vera was also dispensing a " white powder " that killed many as well as injecting some prisoners . The blocks were overcrowded as well , to say the least . Dr . Vera would announce the names on the list every day of who was to go in the truck to the makeshift gas chamber . The room could hold 150 women at one time . They were told they were being treated for lice and stripped and sent in . A prisoner climbed on top of the building and threw a box of gas from an opening , then shut it and climbed down . There were also gas trucks ( which the Polish women were familiar with as they had seen them used in Poland ) , gas vans , and gas railway cars . The Germans also began sending women out on trains that held a few munitions around Germany , so if the train got bombed by the Allies , the women prisoners would be killed too . Himmler had a special block for his important prisoners . These would include Countesses , a famous cabaret dancer , a woman who claimed ( falsely ) to be married to a distant cousin of Winston Churchill , New York City 's Mayor La Guardia 's sister , Gemma , who had married an Hungarian Jew , and eventually Charles de Gaulle 's niece , Genevieve ( Who was arrested for running an underground newspaper . ) , after de Gaulle became President . Over the years there had been prisoner exchanges , whether anyone wants to admit to it or not . Himmler saw the writing on the wall and after failing at a back channel peace agreement between him and America and Britain , which would leave him in charge of Germany , these people were his aces to help himself out . La Guardia , it is believed , never knew his sister was in Ravensbruck , however , he did receive a letter from her after the war when she was not really getting by in Berlin and asking for help . He was working with the UN at the time with the refugee situation and wrote back saying that if he helped her he would get thousands of letters from others expecting help too so he would not help her . Never take sides against the family , La Guardia . I do wonder what he had to say to his Italian mother about this when he met her in the afterlife . I can 't imagine she was pleased that he left his sister out to dry because of politics . Genevierve would deny to her last breath that her uncle , Charles de Gaulle did anything to help her out , even though he moved heaven and earth to do so and very much did . But that is what family does . America 's and Britain 's stance on those in the camps was that we would win the war first and get to them later . In December 1944 they released a statement urging prisoners to " stay put , await the arrival of allied forces and be prepared for an orderly repatriation after the end of the war " . Yes , that was as ridiculous as it sounded . In each camp , people were dying at a rate of 200 a day . The bombings had done a lot of damage to the roads and rail lines of Europe . The French came up with plan after plan that would be immediately discarded to try to rescue the people from the camps . They had no way to get there and no way to get them out . There would basically be one country that would actually do anything to try to save the prisoners and that country would be Sweden . Yes . Sweden . ( Ok , yes the Swiss would make an agreement with Himmler , using an ICRC delegate who was a former SS doctor who worked under Gebhardt , the man who carried out the medical atrocities at Ravensbruck , and get some people out of the camps , but this was only after they heard about the Swedes ( their rivals ) and their plans . Also , they were getting pressure from every Red Cross and the Jewish World Organization . And , they did not go through nowhere near the trouble or danger that the Swedes went through . ) They had remained neutral throughout the war and watched what happened to their Dutch and Norwegian neighbors . Reports of the Nazi atrocities had been coming into them . It was now 1944 and the war was going to be won by the Allies and the Swedes felt rather horrible and wanted to do something to contribute . Wanda Hjort , a Norwegian , and her family had been sent to Germany , but because her father had important German family members they were put under house arrest with a guard . There were other families this was done to as well . Hjort was a member of the Norwegian underground . Their house was near Sachsenhausen camp for men and she would go there and leave parcels . She would be the one to discover Ravensbruck which was a NN camp that few seemed tThis would all have to be done without Hitler knowing , as Himmler had sold prisoners for money and an SS officer told on him . Hitler forbade any more prisoner releases . Count Folke Bernadotte was chosen to talk to Himmler . He had strong German ties , a royal bloodline to impress Himmler with , an American wife , and most important of all , an innate diplomatic charm . Aunt Sylvia was now working in the Revier where a new SS doctor , Franz Lucas , and nurse , Gerda Schroder , were actually helping to heal people and were fighting to keep people from being killed . Sylvia gambles and decides to trust him as an intermediary with her and her family . She compiles lists of names ( The Germans would only release those they had names for ) and information about the camp and he leaves to give it to the Hjorts , but he does not get there right away , so Gerda is also given a letter and she does get there with the information . Both of them would be sent away from the camp . Gerda would be sent to another camp but would escape to Berlin and disappear instead . When the first convoy of vehicles to go out leave Sweden ( buses , trucks , tanks , whatever would hold people ) the Brits told them at the last minute to paint them white and put a red cross on top so they wouldn 't bomb them . The Germans would catch on to this and paint their vehicles as well , so the Swedes would still have problems getting bombed and the Allies refused to offer them even a small escort . They would frequently have to stop and hide in a ditch by the side of the road until the danger had passed . There were some deaths , including American and British women . The irony , huh ? These buses would save 17 , 000 prisoners , which included 7 , 000 Jews . Bernadotte would be accused of not rescuing enough Jews . His death a few years later while on a diplomatic mission would be a tragedy . I 've never fought in a battle , so maybe what I am about to say is purely my opinion and not based on any personal experience . At the beginning of April , Eisenhower was right outside of Berlin waiting on Stalin to arrive ( I don 't know if there was some agreement made at Yalta that Stalin would enter Berlin first or if this was something Eisenhower was doing , especially considering what the Germans had done to the Soviets , but Stalin was going to be the one to go into Berlin first ) . Berlin was only fifty miles away from Ravensbruck and Sachsenhausen where he knew for a fact that they were still killing people at a high rate . He could have sent men in to liberate them , but he did not want to risk the lives of his men . Again , I have never been a soldier , but I have a hard time accepting that it is ok to allow all those defenseless people to continue to die when you have the ability to help them . Especially when your only reason is that you are worried that your heavily armed soldiers with tanks might get hurt against old men and boys . Yes , the camps still had some SS men there and yes a danger of harm did exist . At the same time , we had let enough people die , had we not , by out inaction ? Instead , it would be the Red Army who would eventually liberate Ravensbruck , which would be a nightmare all on its own . When a person goes through the nightmare of battle it can turn them into something inhuman . This is no excuse , however for the behavior of a large number of the Soviet Army . The Germans put them through hell and when they crossed the border they went rather crazy , killing German citizens and raping German women . The problem is ( well , that is a problem in and of itself ) that they did not stop there . Our troops over the years , in various wars , have also been through some horrid things and do bad things as well , but not , I think , ever , on this scale . At the Ravensbruck memorial site , there is a lot to take in . However , down the road at the Youth Camp , the land is forsaken and no one passing would ever know what happened there . It is not a part of the memorial site . No one really wants to lay claim to it except some feminists from Gedenkort . There are those who claim that a lack of money is the reason the Youth Camp has been forgotten , but the truth is there is an argument over what to call it . The camp director wants to call it what it was : an extermination camp . But members of the Jewish council of Germany have said that " only Jewish death camps , set up under the terms of the Final Solution , can be defined as such . " Also , since Ravensbruck was officially ruled not a death camp , they stopped investigating crimes committed there by guards or SS officers there . Yes , six million Jews died during World War II , wiping most of them off the face of the earth , but Hitler and Himmler killed at least another four million others . The camps do not belong to the Jews alone . They belong to too many nations and religions to count . To say that Ravensbruck was not a death camp when they were gassing people there , Jews and non - Jews , as well as shooting , starving , poisoning , and whatever else they could think of to kill them is ridiculous . 130 , 000 women and children passed through the gates of Ravensbruck and an estimated 40 , 000 to 50 , 000 died there . It is an insult to these women who died there and a disservice to their memory . At the beginning , I tried to explain reasons why you have probably never heard of Ravensbruck . This is one of many . The ignorance about this place has gone on long enough . The women who are left who survived it are dying off now . Many have spoken out and left their stories with us , either by telling someone in the camp or writing it down afterward . Now this massive book exists as a testament to their existence and their voices can be forever heard . Note : When I came across the name Corrie Ten Boom I had one of my vivid , memory flashbacks to when I had heard the name before . It was around fifteen years ago when I was still working at the library and a woman from the " Greatest Generation " asked for her books . We had several of them . She was only one of a few to ask for Boom 's books and from what I could gather , she was a religious woman who wrote about her work . No one ever mentioned anything to me about her being a survivor . I looked her up on Amazon and her first book , Hiding In Plain Sight , which is about her family hiding the Jews and her time in the camp , is available for about six dollars . She wrote several other books that detail the events of the rest of her life as a Christian . Note : I feel the need to offer up a bit of a mea culpa . I was watching a show on the Military Chanel last night called America : Fact of Fiction . This show was debunking the myths about General Patton and brought to light ( at least to me ) a rescue mission he attempted in March of 1945 while he was fighting his way through Germany . His son - in - law had been captured fighting in Africa and was in a POW camp behind German lines , so Patton took men to go and liberate the camp , all for one man ( He was family . ) The Germans surrounded the camp , captured a lot of his men who ended up in the camp themselves , and this would be the last POW camp to be liberated . I don 't know how far into German territory he went to do this or if the situation with Eisenhower would have been different . It would be easy to say that at least Patton tried , and he did do that when no one else ( as far as I know ) did . Its hard to say , though , who made the right choice .

Posted on 26 November 2015 by feelingmywaybackintolife 15 Well , 15 months sober yesterday . A lot has changed in the last 15 months . Good passed , bad stuff passed . As said before , even though I drank , as a standard , 12 units an evening for the last year of drinking - I do not miss it . I am actually happy that I quit . 🙂 And a NEW life is emerging . The best NEW thing of the last weeks is contentment . Coming home from work , being absolutely tired , wasted , nackered but content . The only thing I have to do during the day is assemble , clean and learn . I do , so I can be content . Also the ' What would a women who loves herself do ? ' question brings a lot of change and contentment too . I either do stuff or I don 't worry about not doing it . Gone are the shoulds and the inner berating of me when it comes to having to do stuff . Another NEW thing is the continous feeling of being on my path . No idea where it is heading but NEW to this also is that I can wait how life plays out and that I can trust that it is going to be all righ . That would be VERY NEW . 🙂 I wrote most of this text yesterday , so this is actually a re - read post which has not been published . I mentioned : Guessing next up , some day , is sugar addiction . Yesterday I ate so much sugar in the shape of 1 bar of chocolate and several dates that I woke up this morning and could not remember what I did before going to bed . I found all the cat food unfrozen kitchen , could not find my glasses - had taken them off at a wrong place and I felt just out of whack ; slightly depressed , tired ( which , yes , could also come from working double targets yesterday ) and heart palpatations . Today , thank you Karly from Growing Human ( kind ) ness for your post on Sugar , love and longing named Sugar 's secret message about holiday longings . Thank you Universe for putting this on my path right now I can finally read and understand it with my cells . It is , wow , well heart opening post for me . Having my vertebra 's ' reset ' by a osthepath - like doctor is nice , it helps with my shoulderpain . But the vertebra at heart height helps with love . It is scary and it is marvellous . For years now I have had the idea that my heart is not functioning as an organ , that the , well , if you want to call it chakra , is not doing its thing . I keep my heart locked up saying " I am not going to let anyone walk over it again . " But that is not sufficient for real , healthy life because , as said before : life wants to live and a heart just wants to love . The post from Karly helped me to get another view on longing . I guess my upbringing has told me that longing = desire and is a dirty thing . With reading Karly 's post I found I view upon longing / desire with pitty , find it a little pathetic and unclean . So , obviously not something acceptable or desirable . My ' therapeutic ' view of longing is that it is a feeling which arrises when needs are not met . And that there is a clear difference between needs and longing / desire . My new view now is more accepting and includes Karly 's view : longing has a function of sending us out into the world . 🙂 Which I think is beautiful . I have been developing this idea of Life whiche is pretty binairy if you like : there are things that drive us and things that stop us . Longing would be a drive to go out and develop . Desire now seems a longing that is misplaced . So I long for love , can 't deal with that due to unresolved issues so I desire chocolate . Turn longing into desire and it becomes , in the short or long run a force that stops us , like alcohol . On matters of the heart in practise : the night before last I dreamed about the bookstore man . I finally came to the place where I think I can stay centered no matter what reaction he gives after 2 months and 2 weeks no contact . I had Facebook messaged him before but he did not read that - I would guess that sort of indicates that he does not want contact . But I still have borrowed books so , well , I thought to drop them by yesterday . First I pulled a tarot card on information on my state of being . Worked out to be 2 of crystals and in my deck , I got two of crystals , which is called equanimity . That would be a good state to walk around in . Somehow the universe thought differently : store closed due to circumstances . Well , this gives me more time to practice my equanimity : - ) . First thought was ' Ooh , what would be wrong , hope he 's ok ! Blablablablablaa . ' Ghegheghe … . ok , practicing equanimity . I hope to come to a state where I can see what is going on in this ( non ) relation . What ( tf ! ) I am projecting , what I think he has that I need and I actually do hope we can be friends . But that can only happen when / if I clean up my own shit and do NOT get into the desire mode . It is difficult . Working on it because I think he is worth it . Or not , but I can only find that out when I sort out my own shit because of me . And not because I secretly want to secretly , secretly force things . Sometimes this pops up . Not easy . I need to learn to forgive myself . Well , 15 months , 1 day . 🙂 Also NEW is that there is something more or less waking up to the world again . Not sure how to call it . I do not feel like I need to hide professionally anymore eventhough I have NO clue what and where I do have a sense of something big emerging somewhere . I do feel that there is no time and space for e . g . a relation and that bugs me because I am slowly , slowly starting to realise that I do not want to be alone anymore . However I am guessing that realising I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone is also a much needed step towards the world and a step which needs attention . I need to set my intentions correctly , keep a good check on those . Still reading the Jung book on anima and animus in relations but J … z , it is slow … . . and repetitive and not clear and …. : - D . On the subject of ' love ' and ' relation ' : I have been , well ' monitoring ' my reactions to the guys at work and I found I do a lot of dissing myself . For instance , somebody hands me some rubbish thingy and jokingly says " For your trousseau . " ( Yes , I had to look that word up : - D ) Obviously that was hurtful humour to cover up his nice deed but I top it off with ; " I already have one , got it at my graduation from my mom . She said : I don 't think you are ever going to marry so I just like to give you this now . " These tiny , tiny remarks , just , teasing but they also mean so much more . Like I 'm warning people off . Well , I feel like I have to now my boss accused me of flirting with the guys . I don 't want to flirt . I think to be able to pride myself for keeping a very good check on what vibes go in and out . Flirting at a job is against my professional protocol - specifically when being a selfemployed professional I do not want to confuse people . I only have 1 reputation and the branch I used to work is is small . Also and I will not be able to substanciate any flirting so that would make me a tease if I would flirt . I found her comment and irritating projection . The other day my boss was speaking with her favo cleaner and making obscene guestures of licking a well … The whole set up smells like trouble . If she was a guy I would have kicked him in the balls 10 times over by now . 😦 Sexual intimidation by superiors . Not my problem . Or … not sure . I don 't want to focus on it too much because it all seems to be happening in good cheer and I have enough problems of my own but these stories never seem to end well . She kept on asking him why he thinks women can 't do adultery while men can and if he ' would with her ' saying , shouting , she has lust . Yes ! We noticed ! 😀 It is amazing that I find ALL my work issues on one plate in this function and the Universe set it up so nicely with a woman in charge that I did not recognise it . 😀 I keep on telling me that it is not my problem . Then again , if the cleaner were a women and the boss a man I would have intervened already . And yes I am sorry to be showing you this underdeveloped side of our country . PC - ness is not in our genes or culture . 😦 Rereading this after writing it yesterday I think I can come to the conclusion that I am looking to fault her because I find her too overwhelming . Being critical of her behaviour makes me feel more secure of me . 😦 Ok now , let 's try another path . Not sure which yet . We will see . I want : life is ok as it is . More money would be nice : - ) . And no shoulder problems . Slowly the pain is leaving , it also has a lot to do with relaxing , settling into life . Ooh , yeah , my therapist , who is a haptonomic ( ? is that the word ) man too said : existential crisis brings on frozen shoulders . Well , that would tie in nicely with the conversation I had with my shoulder a few months ago ( " You let me carry all your money worries while I am not made for that ! ! ! " ) I take : Ayurvedic medicine but I forget them often . I try to eat better but that only works 2 meals a day . I find that after a day of hard work it is difficult to get up and cook so ( yes , shedding some light on some dark secrets here … ) I often end up eating a bag of chips and / or a bar of chocolate ( 100 gram , 72 % - I keep on mentioning that so you don 't think that I eat like 200 grams of 50 % : - D . Oooh , this is so addicty ….. : - / ) What else did I have . Dunno . Memory is still bad . That worries me . It also worries me to find out that from ( almost ) all the sober blogpeople I know and follow here I am the one who drank most . There comes a time that I need to look into that because it is starting to hurt . Not sure why . Possibly because that makes it real ? There is this fleeting thought that continues to say ' Well , because you could quit so easily , you weren 't all that bad . ' And then I read that ' others ' ' only ' drank one bottle of wine a night . That would be me working up an appetite … . 😦 I think one day I need to go do AA to put things into perspective . But not now because the sun is shining and I need to catch it before it goes under . 🙂 So , no spell check either . I think I will drop WP a line , asking them to put the spellcheck back . Hope you are having a nice time . 🙂 Take care with all the festivities . If I may : please do realise that alcohol is NOT an answer to ANY of your questions , needs or longings and that drinking will ONLY make things which are wrong worse . End of speech . Posted on 26 November 2015 by feelingmywaybackintolife Reply This post on sugar and longing made me cry . Insight , love , healing . Many thanks to Karly for writing it . ❤ Have a read . Posted on 23 November 2015 by feelingmywaybackintolife 12 Things are changing so basically and rapidly hat I feel I need a lot of time to catch up . Loads of NEW ! ! 🙂 Loads of basic repairs after years of drinking . The doctor who is alligning my vertebra 's has done one at the heigth of the heart twice now and all kinds of heart issues pass by . Physically the area of my heart has become more sensitive the first days after the treatment . I 'm thinking , assuming … the muscles are more relaxed but the muscle memory still thinks ' stress ! ! ' and wants to return to the old state so I have had some cases of irregular heartbeat and stress which seemed to come out of nowhere and had no mental images to it other than me thinking ; ' Looks like my body wants to return to how it was . ' Because , shit yeah , on the one hand it is very , very , very scary and real to have a heart that is opening up and on the other I finally start to feel like it is working as it should . Sometimes it is an effort to not to step into the scary again . Like my therapist said : never underestimate the power of wanting to hang on to bad things ( just because it is familiair - which is my own addition ) . I 'm thinking life wants to live just as a heart wants to love . I cherish the thoughts that these are laws of nature ; our life , body and energy system wants to do well and when we or life 's happenings do not put anything in its way ( like drinking , abuse or war to name some ) it will eventually ( want to ) balance out to a healthy state . It is like those movies of dogs with no hind legs running in the field in their specially made carts , playing with other dogs ; they are happy , not frustrated or sad like me , or moody , just happy . I always find that so intriguing . I work 3 days a week now and will be working 4 days a week in the upcoming weeks if all goes well . It is still physically taxing because of the lifting , standing , carrying , walking and loud noise . And my boss ofcourse . I came to the conclusion that she is my karma . She is EXACTLY what I need to deal with , she represents the negative , berating mother that I have inside and I need to learn to deal with that . Guess what ? Well , it is early days but I think it is working . The OD of berating and yelling makes me want to stand up for myself instead of lay down and be trampled . It 's a harsh way to learn but part of it , in combination with the therapy makes me think it is working . Funny thing is : the other day I did something profoundly stupid , which , well , was not entirely my fault because nobody actually informed me that there were several checklists for quantities and that I had the one of the day before - with the day of the day itself … . . Yeah , complicated … works out , I am gathering particles for the next day and get loads of them . Boss walks in and asks what the hell I am doing . Well eh … . what you told me to ? A lot of shouting and asking questions and not waiting for the answers continued at which I need to quit the work and continue scrubbing the plinths , on my knees , on the partially wet floor , behind machines . Yes . This still happens in 2015 . I don 't mind , they needed cleaning , so from the moment she 's gone I whistle my way through this like any good Cinderella would . The building has great accoustics . And during that hour of cleaning I realise that I don 't care , that how I value myself has not changed . Somebody has got to clean stuff , I 'm fine with doing so . After an hour she comes back on the floor and asks ' Who the F ! has got me to scrub those plinths ? ! ! ' Like it was some sort of joke people pull on the new one . I am perplexed and say ' You did ? ! ' ( sitting on the floor , in a puddle … ) She looks surprised and walks off . I did not get what that was about . I did not mishear her . It is a little strange come to think of it . My ( male ! ) collegues got very angry over me having to do this cleaning but I told them I don 't care . There is this little internal shift going on where the guys are backing me now against my boss and I don 't like it . That backfires immediately where my boss , in the afternoon drinks says ' Feeling flirts with the guys . ' I don 't . I keep a neat track of the vibes coming and going and put a halt to them either way with a non responsive fake polite smile . Flirting at work is against my protocol . I 'm new , can 't afford controversy and I don 't want to hurt people . Most of these guys are lonely and will do anything to be not alone . They are not my type so I will not be able to substanciate flirting any how so there is a no - go road . So at that moment I asked every guy by name if they felt I flirted with them and they all very nicely replied I did not . Next my boss ' jokingly ' asks the ( very handsome , very cute , very funny and assertive ) cleaner to go steady with her . Sigh . CONFUSING . Power and sex games . Don 't want to burn myself . Need to keep in the clear . Also , some of the guys are looking for a saviour and mistake my fight with myself and my boss as something which proves I am a warrior who will , I don 't know , save them ? Loads of power games going on . I DON ' T WANT THAT ! But I need to change my fighting mode in order to step out of it . That is difficult because she is me is my arch - enemy . ( That sentence is correctly written ) That 's the whole deal , when I look at it compassionately she also is very lonely and working so hard to find approval , succeed and do well . Just like me . So , obviously I am walking in a ' lonely ' projection phase . Last Saturday at after work drinks a lot of things happened . I , again , plainly stated that I don 't drink alcohol . Better to do that upfront I thought when I am new enough for people not to ask weird questions . Then one guy admitted to having to quit drinking . Next we got introduced to the idea of receiving a bottle of prosecco for Christmas at which I said ; ' Well , I don 't drink so there is no need to order one for me . But I would be delighted with getting some tea - oooh , if I am still here that it . ' With which I referred to me being on probation ( is that the word ? ) . And she said ' ? ? ? Is there something you want to tell me ? Do you have reasons not to be here ? ! ' Which was a kind and sponteneous reply . I started stuttering saying ' Eh , no , but I 'm here on probations and I was assuming so … eh … ( blush ) ' . At which my boss said : I 'll get you as much tea as you want , what was it , no green , no black , no licorice ? ' How attentive is that ? ! She remembered that from day 1 ! : - ) . NOBODY , not even my family remembers what tea I drink . ( Ok , A , you do 🙂 < 3 ) My mom still thought I drank coffee at age 35 . After 1 cup I NEVER drank coffee in my whole life ! ! ! So yes , I was astonished and happy . I have been living alone for so long that I start crying internally , and sometimes visibly too when people just make me a cup of tea . Being surrounded by so many men and women at work who are so lonely really gets to me . I guess it works like a mirror . I think maybe that trusting people and letting them in might be a next step in sobriety for me . I am surrounded by lovely friends and still I have bouts of real loneliness . I assume it comes with the strangeness of my character . But hey , that was another topic at the Saturdays drink : I said ' Well , I guess I 'm just strange when it comes to food and stuff . ' At which my boss replied seriously : ' You might think you are but I do not think you are any stranger than any of the other people working here . ' Which was meant comforting . So why am I writing all these tiny details down ? Because they teach me how I deal with stuff and the dealing is in the details for me . Last paragraph taught me that my boss is very nice and accepting of people when the pressure is off . Also , that I keep on presenting myself to the world as weird . I still devaluate myself upfront . Let 's see how that turns out . A women who loves herself would not find any need in doing that . Oooh , on the works screw up and the scrubbing of the plinths : after work at leaving I said ' Sorry for the screw up . ' And I meant it . She looks at me and says ' Aah , don 't worry , we all make mistakes . ' And she meant that too . I was flabbergasthed . I don 't know what I was expecting . I guess I thought I was doing the adult thing and btw , also taking the sting out of the situation because the guys who want me to be their fighting hero against the mean witch were present when I said this . I realised I expect people to look down their nose derisively and not forgive or forget , hold a grudge and well , what have you ? So much to learn . And so important for me to keep on finding my centre from which I respond because wow can this go wrong if I don 't . I guess that finding my centre , holding on to it and returning to it when I get upset is what this whole job is about . The Saturdays drink also introduced me to some other collegues . A father of one of the guys died suddenly and he had to fly back to a country in Africa for the funeral . Collegues are worried that he will start drinking again . Showing up under influence or hung over is forbidden at work because of the dangerous machines . One of the guys comes from Sierra Leone , his parents were killed when he was 8 years old and he took is 2 little brothers and fled . One of the brothers did not make it . The collegue sometimes does not show up because he has PTSS and does not sleep and hides in bed . My boss insists on keeping him in the firm though , she says ' We are his family , he has got nobody else . ' She has a very humane side to her . Another collegue comes from Vietnam , she fled with her parents for Viet Cong at age 14 . ' I was in a boat . I sat nex to the water . The water was here . A bomb fell . Next to me . It fell in the water . I am not smart . I do not understand things . This was a bomb and it fell in the water . If it would have been on the boat , we would have been dead . My sister went on another boat . She came under the water . We think she is dead . We had no water and no food left , we all lay in the boat . We thought we would die . Shippes passed , we waved , they passed . A ship from the USA , a ship from France , a ship from the Netherlands . They all passed . We were sure we would die . And then the ship from The Netherlands stopped . So we came here . ' I don 't know why I tell you all this . It is very emotional for me to be there , to work in this environment . When this collegue told me her story of coming to Europe tears welled up . I am very teary since I got sober . Things ' get ' to me easily , different from earlier I seem to hear what people have gone through in their words , see it in their posture and expressions . I am happy that I quit . I feel that somehow things are falling into place automatically now and I well , this sounds strange but I feel I am EXACTLY where I need to be . I have this feeling of being carried into time , into the future . I do not have a clue what it is about but it feels like there is a big energetic wave happening . Maybe it is about my heart opening up , energy , chi , qi , starting to flow again . Maybe I am imagining it . I am curious to find out how things evolve from here . Wwawwlhd : go to bed ; - ) . A women who loves herself actually does a lot of things which are very good for me and she enjoys what she is doing . That is most of the time the answer I get . ' She would enjoy walking here and let go of the stress . ' I want : hmmm , to be less afraid of things in general . And I want my clear head . I easily make mistakes with counting and that worries me . I want to do well at my job . I need my clear head , not only for the company , my boss and my collegues but also for me . Being addicted had a lot to do with not wanting to be in my clear head . I take : Ayurvedic pills but I forget them often . Starting to eat healthier though and really feeling the difference . Still high on chocolate though . I am afraid I need to cut out the sugar for getting the clear head . I am not ready yet . It would feel like I have nothing to hold onto anymore . Yes , I know it is a replacement addiction . And I feel I can currently not do anything about it apart from monitoring it and waiting for a window of opportunity . PS : No spell check today . WP seems to have thrown it out . Hope I did not write anything strange , apart from , well , writing about strange stuff . Posted on 19 November 2015 by feelingmywaybackintolife 10 Wow , never knew there was so much to learn from ( still ! ) having this tiny 3 day job . I am still flabbergasted by the fact that I noticed last week that feelings which seem very solid and true and important and well , what have you , can change overnight . Yeah , yeah , I sort of feel like ' you all knew that ' and ' I am the only one being in the dark about this ' . In my mind I hear you say things like ; ' what do you expect with the blog name you chose ' and ' should have gone to AA , she would have known by now that ' this too shall pass " . It 's a - ma - zing what pops up with this new job . But first : I applaud everybody who got sober while working . I don 't think I could have done it . So I seem to berate myself over not knowing this and feel stupid for it and now accuse others of thinking that of me . Which , well , you could be thinking I am stupid , but how am I to know ? ( Ooh please please please please please don 't go confirm my thought that you think I am stupid , I 'm just learning not to think for others here … 😉 - and should not in the process start telling you what to or not to tell me . Gosh , traps everywhere ! ! ! ) I went to see my therapist , had a big big big cry over being ashamed towards my ( now 8 years deceased mother ) about drinking and wasting almost all her inheritance money on bad business and life decisions . The last 20 . 000 I spend on getting sober . That would be a good thing , possibly . I got to the point where I had an internal conversation with my mother , asking her forgiveness , asking her to love me and not be stand offish . And with that I realised how much I needed her acceptance , how much I had been keeping up a fence just not to get hurt , not to be disappointed . While realising that her defence collapsed and I saw her not as the criticising ' force of nature ' I had always taken her for but as a real person with her own difficulties and her own character . Ooh mom , I 'm so so sorry . I notices that through my projection and possibly counter projection we had gotten stuck into this power duel . Ooh mom , I never wished this . I am sorry . I don 't know how it happened . I was mad . At you , for becoming sick and not being able to give me what I needed . I was too young mom to live with the fear of having to let you go . That 's just it , when the one person you need and love falls away and you want to , go to the one person you need and love to be comforted . I was confused , I was hopeless ; I became mad at the world , mad at me , felt like I failed because I was so miserable and there was no one to comfort me . I was angry that I could not get out of the horrible situation we were in . All this pain and later , all the arguments , the tension , the never know when you were going to blow up , have a tantrum , start cursing . It was so scary . I wanted out . I know you had no other way . I seem to have had no other way . I hope you find another way in your new life . I don 't know why we met . I don 't think I have finished learning what I need to learn from you . And maybe , maybe I was only there to show you that it is a good idea to buy flowers for yourself when you need them , when you want them , to not wait for somebody else to bring them . I can 't deal with criticisms , and in order to prevent it I became a perfectionist . My mother , being a perfectionist herself never let go and I internalised an über critical internal mother who berates me constantly . I berate myself constantly . Nothing is ever good enough . For a few minutes in that session with my therapist I could hold on to the image of my mother as a real person and I was me , and not me berating myself . There was peace within . Restoration of humanity . Things to learn . …… things did not end there . Within minutes after being ( temporarily ) released from the berating internalised mother I adapted my fathers issue thinking ' Well , it does not really matter whether or not you find peace in this because the world is blowing up anyhow . ' About the addiction to issues . About ' how far do I take it to be exactly not happy ' . Back to real life : I 've got myself a boss who blows up whenever , over the tiniest details and is correcting everybody with every breath she takes . And it makes me feel very insecure in what I do . Sigh . Karma ; that what has not been ' solved ' will continue to pop up . Guess I need to deal with this some day . I have a male colleague who is very laconically towards my boss . He says yes in her face and then goes and does what he wants . But in a way she does not see or notice it . Funny thing , so far it does not feel sneaky somehow , it feels respectful of her over caring and responsible towards the job he needs to finish . This is a weird thing to see . As long as I have the chance I will continue to watch how they play this out . I do not think it is my way but there is a learning experience in it for sure . So I have difficulty with accepting that my moods seem to change quickly and that makes me feel shifty and shady and stupid . However , as a real human and possibly , as a real addict , I am in denial of this but the energy of the difficulty is still there and needs a way out . I sometimes feel these energies are entities by themselves and they want to be born . If the can 't be born in me , they amazingly pop up in my environment . In the text above I spray painted them on you and my mother . I am happy that I quit although I noticed something strange which worries me a little . One of my colleagues is a real party animal and while cleaning up together we were exchanging party stories and having a laugh about them . I forgot all about me not drinking . When I realised I was I said : ' Well , that was . I don 't drink anymore . ' And he started telling me I should . ' Not too much , but you should drink , in moderation of course , everything in moderation . ' Well , as in the reply I posted on Sober Mom 's post today : There are people who drink and people who make you drink . This ' you need to drink ' attitude is so typical for people who are hooked / addicted to alcohol but have little awareness of that . You need to drink . Pffff . Haha . NO I DON ' T . But I still wished all my troubles would be over and I could . So , 😦 to me that is a worrisome reaction . Maybe I should not stay after work this Saturday and then there is this pull to want to fit in , not stand out . I actually felt myself wanting to agree with my colleague who said one should drink . Specifically him adding ' in moderation ' really spoke to me . Slippery slope . I am getting cocky because I feel I am dealing sooo well with the difficulties I am having at my work . Yeah , sorry , childish reaction . But that 's just how it is . I notice this behaviour in me which I call very addicty : as soon as I have done something difficult I find that I need a reward . Everything is reward based . Oooh , and the reward is never ' go to bed on time ' or ' eat my vegetables ' just in case you wondered . 🙂 I will add this to the list . Reward exchange : the thought popped up that when I had this job , I might drink a beer so now and then with my colleagues , just to not stand out . Ooh yeah , and the subject ' man ' is in my life again by desiring 2 of my colleagues . Both very unsuitable but I am just going to see how this develops in me . And there is chocolate … . The bookstore man still has not replied to my message to him and FB indicates that he has not read it since Saturday . So I guess he 's just not that interested ? Whatever , one of these weeks I will return the books and hope some parts of the puzzle fall into place . I feel the issue is that I do not want to see him as human . I keep on idolizing him and that brings a smoke screen between me and knowing what t F is going on . Wwawwlhd ? Funny , can 't think of anything currently . That probably means I am in some sort of funny state because it is pretty close to bedtime , I am tired but not going . Maybe , if I can 't answer this question I am not really feeling myself . Like the other day where I had a panic attack and asked myself wwawwlhd ? and all I got was a blank . I guess that is because I could not imagine what it was like to love myself . 3 Things : 1 lovely coaching session with an old intern today , I have spent 3 hours coaching him with technical info for his new business . That was cool , he is such a great guy . 🙂 Happy . 2 A friend coming over . 3 There is a storm like weather here , the clouds move like crazy quick , i find it very impressive and beautiful . On discipline : something funny , I needed to clean the house today for visitor and I did it , but not at the speed I would normally do . I was tired and just did not feel like rushing myself because the minutes I would save would not add up to the stress I would get . NEW thought . I take : starting to forget to take my ayurveda pills , also because I am not eating well . Too tired . But I hope to get back into eating well tomorrow . Missing my veggies . Although , technically chocolate is a veggie too … or ? Something is moving on that field though , I am starting to feel a little , but continuously , nauseous after eating chocolate . Guess my body is preparing for change . Bedtime . Hope you are having a good time . I have noticed that I am not online a lot anymore . And my WP timeline is very full because I signed up for all the 20 award winning blogs of the other day and some of them are really productive . But I don 't read them so maybe , maybe … . . 🙂 Decisions , decisions . Ooh yeah , that is funny ; time is getting a scares thing because of work . 🙂 NEW ! And when I buy things I start to relate back to how many hours / minutes I need to work for that . NEW . It is a realisation I need in my life . 🙂 I think some day it will stimulate me to look beyond my current horizon . So that is good . Posted on 15 November 2015 by feelingmywaybackintolife 7 Life with a tiny job is NEW ! So much NEW , it takes a lot of energy . 🙂 Which , I guess , is the whole idea behind working , possibly … . 🙂 And , wow , wow , wow I realise day in day out , minute , sometimes second in , second out why I drank ; everything I used to drink away is crossing my path saying ' Hi , I am your life 's trouble , your karma , your inability to take life as it comes , your inability to deal with people , your inability to guard yourself , to stand up for yourself , to value yourself . And guess what ? I am not going until you deal with it . ' I even dream about stupid issues which need to be solved before I can move on . 😀 Who said repetitive jobs would be boring ? ! This post starts off ranting about my boss and I hope it turns into insight in my own behaviour . No promises : - ) . I think I have again chosen uh , a ' challenge ' . 😀 It somehow feels like I need to deal with my standard reaction of not being good enough every second of the day . I will try to be objective ( haha ) , not point fingers or sulk and tell only what happened and how I feel but no , no promises . I currently work 3 days including Saturday in a production facility . I do some assembling , a lot of weighing , packing and wet and dry cleaning of machines , tables and floors . It is physically taxing because of the lifting and cleaning - everything is timed and one tiny mistake can lead to loss of goods , damage to bodies , goods or machinery and / or overtime for the whole crew . I find it tough , even though I got the ' compliment ' of my boss : ' I 've seen a lot of women go down in that department but it does not seem to get to you , does it ? ' Which , she spoke publicly in the Saturday afternoon drinks get together so that I guess is another compliment . I had already told her that I need to start with 3 days , not more because I ' need to keep my clear head ' but she keeps on pushing me and then ' taking it back ' by saying : ' Let me know when you decide to work 4 days . ' Her comment on me ' not going down ' sort of confirms my feeling of being under constant surveillance and continuously being pushed to do more , lift heavier stuff and work quicker . So we combine well : she does the top dog , I am ready to jump into the under dog position . 😀 Ghegheghe . It is not nice to realise this about myself but very informative . These feelings of inadequacy were feelings I would drink away . I have not yet learned how to deal with this and it is a CONTINUOUS struggle for me NOT to feel anxious , be scared that she will correct me or yell at me when she is walking around or working in the production area . And no matter what happens on the floor , if it is out of the ordinary I lose focus immediately and my constructing goes wrong or I forget where I am . Compare it to knitting , I forget what row I 'm at so I need to feel and check back or weigh stuff . Well , with all of that I am still quicker than the guys who don 't do this regularly so that is ok but still . It feels like I am shaking in my reinforced boots continuously . So yeah , I am getting the NEW life experience I was looking for and hell yeah I 'm tired at the end of the day . One of the things that bother me is that my boss does not give instructions but does tell people ( me ! ) off when they do something different from how she planed it . I have worked in a production plant before and am used to scrub machines and then hose them down . My colleagues do so when she 's not around . 🙂 So I thought … . . lets get da hose and soak da house . NOT ! 😀 ' What do you think you are doing ! ! ! That equipment is NOT made to be soaked ! ! ' Well , eh … . now is not the moment to tell her that I just copy my co - workers … . 😀 Gheghegheghe … . And with carrying heavy stuff : the girl who got fired seems to have accepted the job and only afterwards tell the people that she is not willing or able to carry stuff . My boss and the whole floor got really frustrated because that meant that everybody was expected to stop their work to help the girl . Which is not possible when you are on a tight schedule . I feel that pressure is on me now . I am being watched like a hawk in lifting and if or not I am asking for favours from the guys . I don 't ask , I sometimes do get them though , which is nice , specifically when it has to do with hot and heavy stuff that is stored above shoulder height . 🙂 So I feel I am sort of being looked after by some of the guys . On the feeling of being watched like a hawk ; that actually popped up in the Saturday after work drink . Somebody commented loosely ' Yeah , and then this went wrong and I start to look over my shoulder thinking ' hope she 's not there ! ' And my boss laughed her head off and replied ' Yeah , bwahahaha , well , that 's one of the things I seem to have , this eye for things that go wrong . I mean , the four of you are standing around that machine and I , standing in the OTHER ROOM am the only one who notices something is wrong ! Haaahahahaha . ' 🙂 That was an eye - opener for me . I mean , people came up with tiny stories on how they deal with her piercing eyes and ' everybody ' laughed wholeheartedly . I chuckled along because it was funny and I was relieved to hear that I am not the only one experiencing these laser eyes . I do not think she is really racist as but she does say racist things ; ' He 's late for work , he does not answer his phone , no need to fool me ! He 's black so I know for sure we won 't see him again at least not today . ' Which … . well , is indeed a racist conviction Dutch and German people tend to have about well , practically any foreigners because ' we ' are convinced we are the ONLY people in the world who can actually be on time for an appointment . All foreigners can not , blablablablablaaah , the darker the skin , the later they arrive . I realised I live in that conviction too and know it is racist , but it is not nice to hear this actually being spoken out loud about and to a black co - worker . Btw : I hold a possibly funny view when it comes to racism , I know I am subconsciously racist following the ' unknown is unloved principle ' . But I don 't want to be racist or in any other way discriminating anybody for colour , sexual direction , gender , age and what have you . That is why , in situations I tend to try to keep a check my reactions . Does not always work unfortunately , it is work in progress however . I 've added in this ad to show you how widespread the idea of the inability to be on time is ; so much that people found it ok to turn it into a desirable trait and make the on - time people the laughing - stock . 🙂 Which they did well , ghegheghe … Not sure if this add ran outside The Netherlands . Please let me know when you have seen it . ALERT : it is a booze ad . So when she left I asked the black colleague : ' That comment makes me feel very uncomfortable , what is your opinion on it ? And he shrugged and said ' She always says things pretty blunt . That 's just how she is . ' Which … is another way of looking at it . And very NEW ! I 'm not sure if I am ok with it though , she is the boss . Does he have a choice to address it ? She treats the black guys ok even though there is more stereo typing going on like giving all the black guys a nick - name and the white guys not . Attributing sexual prowess and heightened lust to them is another one of those things I find ' hmmm … . ' . The whole company is actually very sexually laden but she seems to be in the middle of it . I am so HAPPY that my hair has gone grey and that feel that gives me a perfect excuse not to partake in this . And … . . sometimes I feel sorry for myself because it also confronts me with what I think I have lost due to alcohol : confidence in my attractiveness and ability to find a partner . I mean , who would want an ex - addict who has got nothing but a renthouse , a possible or not ( 1st month probation is not over yet ) smelly , low paid job , is overweight , grey haired and well , a prickly , stand - offish , black and white reactive character and too much wrongly focussed IQ for most man to actually like : - ( ? And then I put all these thoughts aside because the only thing I have to do is do my job well and deal with how to do that without damaging myself . I have difficulty with my boss , and then again : I have enough on my plate as it is and possibly , very likely , I am INTERNALLY exaggerating these negative traits of her to find a power balance . What I write about her is as true as true is , how I deal with it is my own choice . Hahahaha , well , it should be my own choice , I 'm not there yet . Friday I called my friends saying I was done and I would be looking for another job . I had promised myself to find another job before I would give up this one but for a few days I was totally convinced I would be leaving . Saturday worked out to be a nice day and I really got to appreciate my colleagues AND my boss who took some time to tell me about her upcoming holiday in December . The first one in several years of setting up this company ( she is not the owner but well , it is A LOT of work ) . To that she added a few personal troubles as losing her boyfriend and illness in the family which had hit her severely . Pfffff , not easy . 😦 We spoke about her holiday destination and the fact that she is going alone and feels insecure about that . It was a nice conversation . 🙂 So , yeah , there is a totally different side to her . I am glad I got to see that and felt my hostility fade away . She asked me if I could take over some of her tasks during her holiday . Which I guess is a good sign . This roller coaster of emotions , it is so overwhelming and I am not proud of my reactivity and readiness for war . I am a little proud of the fact that , for the first time in my life I can actually , sometimes , look at it and see how very reactive I am . NEW ! ! ! I mean , as I blogged earlier in the karma in the job : these issues I run into are exactly the issues I have run into all my life so possibly , most likely … . I need to do something with it . 🙂 The only difference with my former nasty bosses is that he is a she now . And maybe this is more clear in my karma story because I attribute the criticism to ' Mother ' . My mother was critical , my internal mother possibly even more so . So , what , what if I am actually good enough ? I cannot carry that feeling yet but it does pop up sometimes as an answer to what I feel and that brings peace . ❤ NEW ! ! So , all in all : learning a lot by doing difficult stuff . Tomorrow I 'm going to visit my therapist again and getting my vertebra 's realigned again . My arm is much better . It still hurts but continuous movement improves it and obviously the alignment did . Happy : - ) . Other subject : I finally , after 2 months and 2 weeks contacted the bookstore man through FB . Wrote him to tell him that I am not not contacting him because I am offended or feeling sorry for myself . But that I feel I did not yet learn what I had to learn from the whole situation . That I would obviously return some books he had borrowed me but that I would appreciate to do that when all the pieces had settled back into their place . I have not had a reaction yet but he generally does not check his FB on Sundays . And , yes , that was important , I have waited to contact him till I was sure I could , if he were not to respond , be ok with that . So I don 't sit in front of this screen waiting for an answer . I am not sure what I should learn from the situation but I can park that for later , I 'm guessing insight will come some day . There 's a block on the road , it is not moving . We 'll see . The other day I went to the give away store , met up with a guy who works there and spoke a little . He haha , told me he was an ex - addict and that he was working on his co - dependency issues . Yes , yes , how very much on cue , thank you Universe , exactly when I am reading The Alcoholics guide to alcoholism most interesting posts on co - dependency and starting to discover my own issues in determining my worth by how others value me . Does that eh , ring a bell after me speaking about my boss ? Ooh , on openness and things ' coming out ' . At the Saturdays drink somebody asked me if I wanted a beer . I said ' No , I don 't drink . ' And he started laughing and said ' Hahaha , another one who doesn 't drink anymore ! Hahahaaha … ' I laughed with him , he and his drunken stupidity and knowing how bad it is and still drinking and thinking it is funny … . Oooh , I have been there long time . I have another guy - colleague who does not drink and somebody of whom everybody knows he needed to stop and he did . But since his father died this week everybody doubts if he ' will make it ' . Turning up drunk or intoxicated from the night before will get him fired of the job according to the house - rules . So yes , I see this as a sign that I am still carrying around this ' vibe of addiction ' which attracts these situations but by now I am starting to see the fun in it . I am happy that I quit because again I can say that I am exactly in the place where I need to be to be learning what I need to learn . And wow would this job with waking up at 6 : 00 be difficult if I were to still drink . Brrrrrrr … . Wwawwlhd ? I have asked myself this question repeatedly in the last weeks although not so repeatedly as in the first days . It works out that a women who loves herself actually does more instead of less , makes a lot of good choices and is happy to follow them up . It is however confusing that the wwlh would quit the job on Friday while she is content to stay on Saturday . Teal Swan says about the wwawwlhd system : it is a projection of your own ability to love . So I guess that is where the glitches happen : - ) . ( Not so ) funny thing : Teal Swan is in Paris this weekend . I take : Ayurvedic medicine but I forget them 1 out of 3 times now . I ' take ' a lot of chocolate too , 1 bar of 100 grams a day in the struggle of trying to deal . Not good . Then again , I am going to let it go and see where it takes me . I want : dunno , a quick tarot lay promised Death - which I will take as a ' new beginning ' and ' changing of old habits ' rather than something bad . I guess . I hope : - ) . I realised that I have no idea of the future other than one that feels impossible to reach : a cottage in a spiritually sound place with a large vegetable garden , a fireplace , a warm kitchen , a large book room , some livestock , a dog or possibly 2 and some cats . I should have bought this when I had the money . 😦 But I ' decided ' to drink it all . Funny to notice that I tried to fit in this man in my life and he ended up living in a rebuilt shed . Gheghegheghe … . . guess it 's no time yet . 3 Things : 1 my job , 2 the fact that I have a house and 3 that I am learning so much . Like time , time totally has new meaning right now . When I am not working I am really free . Not ' not - working - but - feeling - guilty - because - I - don 't - do - anything - with - my - life kind of free but really free . And money : when I pay for something now I know the value of it . I earn less on a day than I would for working 1 hour when being a consultant . Ghegheghe … it 's ok . This is what I need to learn so this is where I am , taking it slowly . Ooh , strange dream . I wonder about my animus ( male part of my character according to Jung ) . He is supposed to turn up in my dreams as a wise guy but my guys are ALWAYS these cool , almost criminal , obnoxious , handsome twenty something guys that irritate the hell out of me . The last one was laying in a corner puking - while doing a low plank position by the way . He just lay there puking his guts out because he had been drinking or whatever partying . Hmmm , I realise now I could have helped him . Ghegheghe … hmmm . Oh ooh … I just left him there . Well , better next time . Posted on 9 November 2015 by feelingmywaybackintolife 5 Friday I went to the therapist and again I am astonished by me saying ' No ! ' when he opts that I slow down a little in my speed of talking . Ghegheghe , I have always thought that I was such a confident women . But only / already 14 months into sobriety I am starting to notice that the word ' No ' was not in my vocabulary . With my therapist I noticed that I have always felt like ' not good enough ' , that I needed ' fixing ' and ' better listen ' . It is funny how I , after learning to set boundaries in booze land , find that the concept of boundaries is spreading through my life . So I said no to the therapist on needing to slow down . I did listen to what he had to say , however I kept my hands in front of my face and said ' no promises ' first . Funny thing , those hands . Just noticing it for logging purposes but I found that listening is easier when I do not have the feeling that I am checked for facial reaction . Which is not important in the story , the important thing is that I knew I had to learn something and found a way to learn it with my hand shielding my face . It was a Feeling - medical care - day Friday so I also went to a osteopath ( type of person ) who pushed some vertebra in my back and neck in place . The result was GOOD ! I went from 45 degree angle of lifting my arm from my frozen shoulder up to 135 degree . Good : - ) . The result is lessened now after a few days but I will be repeating this in 2 weeks . I find it a very scary treatment . I cried because I was so scared , but I do know I need to do it in order to improve my shoulder . I also asked her to wait with the treatment until I could relax . That took longer than she had expected but I took my time whatever . Because that is the only version of how I can do it without damaging myself . There are a lot of versions I can do something , there are only a few which are without damage . I never knew my self - care was so low . Yesterday I cancelled an appointment for today because ' I did not feel like it ' . I have never ever done that before in my life . I actually told my date ' I miss calculated the time this weekend and I would really appreciate to postpone the meeting . He was ok with it . ' That 's ok ' he said and he meant it . NEW ! ! ! I find it important to think , feel and write about this because I think that a lot of my drinking was related to the yucky feeling of somebody breaking my boundaries of me letting somebody break my boundaries or me not setting any boundaries or me breaking my own boundaries . I think the concept of boundaries was never even there . The right to say no , the right to care for me , I was ' not good enough anyhow ' so why would I have the right to have boundaries ? And there was this split second where I decided ; maybe , maybe I should be a little firmer . So instead of saying ' Oooh , gosh , eh , could you maybe make a wine - free soup for me , possibly ? ' I said : ' I don 't want that . Can you make a second pot for me ? ' ' Yes . But I do not want it . It is not a problem to take some out and put it in a different pan is it ? ' ( That was still a question but a firm one . ) At which my brother replied : ' I can imagine you do not want it . ' Which was funny because I never told him I had to quit . But I guess my SIL did . I never asked her not to , and I guess her need for solace lead her to speak with him about it . Which I can imagine . It is strange , all in all . Specifically after being there the last time where my SIL offered me a glass of wine . I feel that I am somehow being sabotaged but there is no bad intent , and I do not feel subconscious bad intent either . It is just strange . And maybe I should leave it at that . The only thing that could possibly cause this tiny clash of intent is her feeling awkward with me ' being an addict ' . So the subject is still ' in the air ' attracting situations that ' play it out ' . Or is that explanation too vague for your liking ? I don 't know , I have to learn to deal with it . My first reaction is that it makes me feel unsafe with her . That hurts and makes me feel scared and doubt whether there is a safe place in the world . It makes me feel very alone because the one person who ' should ' ( ? ) understand and care is the one person who is offering me booze . 😦 Last time I was angry , now I have the possibility to stay with the feelings that pop up . This is what it is , loneliness , unsafety , betrayal , hurt . Not big time , but … . well , it is there . I assume when I ask her or tell her she would feel very stupid . Is it stupid ? Yes / no , the stupidity is not in the action , the action is the result of not being able to deal with it and the tension which this creates . The ' stupidity ' is in the running away from the feeling of unease my ' disease ' creates in her world . Then again , it is not on a daily base that your SIL and one of your best friends come up saying ' I was addicted to alcohol ' . I can imagine that takes some getting used to . It took me 30 years to admit it so … Maybe one of these days I should take some time to speak with her about it . Ask her what she thinks , feels . I would guess she feels betrayed but I am guessing that betrayal is part of her standard feel / mindset so she does not notice . So yes . I should speak with her at an appropriate time . I am happy that I quit . I very much appreciate becoming less reactive to my feelings . NEW > Being able to sort of notice ' Hey , I feel hurt now . ' instead of ' THIS HURTS SO MUCH I CAN NOT DEAL ! ! ! ' Also , there is something moving in me which I think is important where my inner world becomes more important . NEW ! I guess I can see some of you look surprised at this text wondering ' How can this navel - staring blogger get even more into her inner world ? ! But I can , it is strange . It is this world that when you fall asleep you ( I ! ) enter into . I am scared that I ' go nuts ' because this world is , well , obviously not the world where the normal people are . But I also feel a big , big pull which says ' The Answer ' is there . Not sure what the question is yet , something to do with Life and my destiny . I want to go there , I feel one leg of mine is in the normal mental world an the other leg is in the other world . It also feels like a sort of process which will work itself out . No action needed , just recognition , acknowledgement . Aah , also : my therapist is very skilled in walking the metaphysical world . I am not sure what that means in official psychological terms but I translate it as ' he can feel through the air ' and ' he uses his existence ( ? ) to feel where the other is ' . I can actually feel a non obtrusive , intelligent ' cloud ' of energy investigate my ' aura ' / my existence . Yes , sorry to those who know what this is about for the possible unprofessional description of this . It is about that which is between people and taking that seriously . Most people do not pay attention to it but it is that feeling / knowing that you ( I ! ) have when picking up ' vibes ' from others . I think I 'm pretty sensitive to those vibes and that I am a sort of radio for them without having the ability to tune . Which is not good . Need to learn there . I take : Ayurvedic pills . I spoke with my brother by the way and he had an awful self experienced story on the Ayurvedic doctor I am visiting which really makes me doubt the character of the man . But the pills and the dietary thingies are really making me feel better . Let 's see how this develops . 3 Things : having a lovely weekend with my niece and nephew , visiting some more family . Being really relaxed because I ' have a job ' so I have real free time . : - ) , writing this blog . Life has been changing continuously since my last post , well since the ' What would a woman who loves herself do ' . A woman who loves herself does not set the bar so high when she continuously feels she can fail that bar so she gets herself a job at a place where she feels ok and in a function she likes and feels she can do . So far so good with my re - introduction into society after years of drinking feelings away . Having said that , ghegheghe , it took me 3 days to get into HIGH levels of anxiety . Funny thing was that I actually slept badly over worrying about something I had done wrong - I can not even remember what it was anymore ( ! ) but it was bad . It was all over the place , it was going to crush me , my fierce and powerful boss was going to crush me and rip me to pieces . All of it . And obviously I did not sleep well . I realise again and again that the emotions I go through ; being tired after work , being scared of doing something wrong , being scared of being despised , being scared of lacking physical safety : all of it are reasons for me to drink . It is so strange to deal with this sober . I actually never did . And I notice there is something else I never do : check this panic with reality . No check what so ever . Well , I guess that cutting out the brain and only ' thinking ' with the amygdala is the essence of panic 🙂 What also interested me is that all the issues I had at other jobs pop up in the first days , first week of my new job . Makes me seriously doubt whether I do not create them by myself . I mean , if I run into THE SAME ISSUES everywhere … . maybe , maybe … . I need to find a way to deal with it ? Well , eh , I HAVE to find a way to deal with it be it by not sorting them out as my favorite problem - defusing or guiding the energetic mechanics in it . Or , when it is something that comes with groups of people for instance , learn to deal with it . I get a very , very clear picture of my perfectionism now . How it combines with a person of authority - my new boss is very bossy , snappy and direct and has a very bad mood in the morning . So bad that she not even warns me but tells me of and says not to give smart replies or even react to her when it is morning . Yeah , I did it again : find a boss who thinks it is ok to take their mood out on the underlings . I would like to add here that I made it my thing to try to never do that because I have lived with somebody who did this to us for years . Now I let go of the resistance to the concept I think I am starting to feel how I am not moody , but do like to determine the energy in the group . So not moody but otherwise forcefully present . Hmmm , control issues somebody ? This makes me so curious of the workings of life and karma , if you will : how can I AGAIN ! ! find a boss who thinks it is ok to take her mood out on people . It is soooo unprofessional and sooooo illogical to work in a place where you start at 7 : 15 if you are bad with mornings . I have one funny thing : you can wake me up any time of the night and I am bright awake and capable of doing anything I normally do without moaning . Much to other people 's horror I am even chatty in the morning . 🙂 Luckily this job is too high paced and it needs constant attention so I could not worry about her snide remark for a long time . Looking back I guess I did take it home however . Add to all of that a strapping young men and an older men ( well , my age ) showing signs of interest in me and I have got all my issues back again in one basket . 😀 I am thinking now indeed that because of people 's specific build we run into the issues we have not solved long enough until we solve them . That is my idea of karma ; we project our inner issues onto the others untill it irritates us enough to deal with it . I mean , why other would I encounter the same issues in a workplace ALL OF MY LIFE ? That can not be the outside world only . It has to be me too . 🙂 I hope for now that I learn to deal with it / let go , that the message is not : learn to fight or run . By the way , just want to put it in here because it has a function although I am not sure how exactly . My boss is very bossy , and she very sternly tells guys what to do . She can come in and literally shout orders , put in a jest and / or demeaning remark and leave . I am intimidated by that , I heard from a guy who works there longer that the girl who was fired last week was very much intimidated by that and did not rise above the water again after having been thrown in . I think he was telling me this to help me see that my boss can be intimidating . He finished with casually saying things like ' She does not bite ' and ' You 'll get used to it , don 't worry . ' Next to that the guys that got assigned to the girls squad I work in were speaking about my boss to as in ' Ooooh , it is yep yep yep yep this and yep yep yep yep that again . ' - by which they meant dog barking . I found that a little , hmmm , demeaning at first because they would not react like that if she were a guy . But then again I think they would . In this work situation there is ' nothing ' wrong with shouting orders , but there is always something wrong with being demeaning . All in all it made me feel like I am not the only one who has issues with her behaviour - so that is eh , comforting in its own wrong way . 🙂 I guess this is how groups ( can ) work . I have this ideal where people start with a work meeting and from there on work in a flow and instead getting orders fired at them and work under pressure . I guess that is not happening here yet and I should let go of this idea because I use it as a sort of spiritual - intellectual ' I know it better ' shield against my boss ' fierceness . What I find intriguing is that nobody ever asked me why ( tf ) I want this job and not go do something that is more inline with my level of education . I 'm guessing my way of applying tricked her into setting me up for a trial day and I did so well that she just skips that question and wants to keep me . Hey ! I even got a locker and safety shoes without having to ask for them . I am happy that I quit . I don 't know where this road will lead me but I have enough to take care of right now I can say . Happy that I am not so awfully tired after a day of work anymore . I do not try to adjust my day schedule yet . I still struggle with getting my food in in the right portions at the right time . The work is physically taxing and I don 't want to fall over but I don 't want to overeat myself either . And after work I am too tired too cook . And I did not clean my house for a whole week so it is a mess in the kitchen too . Currently I am set up for 3 days a week : Tuesday , Thursday and Saturday , but my boss wants me to work more . I need to make really sure that I keep my clear head and downtime in order to process stuff and not fall into the same mistakes I have been making all my life . That to me comes first . Well , I can 't rule them out all of them but I have to be able to process stuff . I want : ghegheghe , for time to slow down a little . Ooh yeah , time has gotten its meaning back now it is restricted . That is cool , that also makes me feel more alive and part of society . I take : Ayurvedic medicine but I feel they are not very helpful anymore now I do not combine it with good food . I also took some Bach remedies because I had no way of getting past my lack of confidence , it was overwhelming . Aah , that 's why they did not work , I took something for the lack of confidence while I was already in total panic . On discipline : it works real funny , the wwawwlhd makes me not do stuff I ' think ' I should and not berate myself over it when I don 't - so it makes me more ' lazy ' but happier . Yesterday it also made me open a letter which I would normally not have opened in a years time ! Because a women who loves herself does not want to put herself through the stress of stalling and the stress and shame that come with that . How is that for a plot twist ? 🙂 I like it ! 3 Things : 1 beautiful small and big , daily and deep conversations with on - and offline friends which , dunno , just make me happy . 🙂 2 My job and the learning I do and the path I feel is opening up . 3 I am actually experiencing contentment and also the concept of being part of something bigger . Both are new ! I had missed that for a long time . 🙂 I never noticed so much but I guess I have lived a lonely life the last years . To me I see this step back into society as a piece of the sobriety puzzle that was still missing . I guess that is why I did not often experience pride . Because this work - money - house puzzle piece was still missing . Well , I strongly feel this path is the next step into finding my destiny . 🙂 Aah , another missing part of the puzzle . doingwithoutalcoholI 've made the decision to live a life without alcohol with the desire to grow on all levels of my beingSober and Vegan - ishSaving myself . . . one day at a time . Omnifuture magick , culture , and consciousnessFinding a Sober MiracleA woman 's quest for one year of sobrietyA hangover free lifeWaking up to the sobering reality that booze is the problem not the solutionBluebird BlogYou Booze You Losecontemporary womenShe Hid Behind the GlassJourney to sobriety from hiding behind the wine glassNo Wine I 'm FineA journey of sobriety in New Zealand with a twistBlog - Susan J . Fowlerliving without alcohol , living againBlahdablahdablahThe ramblings of an ex alcoholicThe Wandering EnigmaThe experience , strength and hope of a recovering addict struggling with the disease of addiction . brittanybareA sweet , simple , sober life . This is my journey - my attempt to live a good life , and stay sober in the process . Therapy DiariesDiary entries following my theraputic journey to healing from childhood trauma , a narcissistic mother and an insecure attachment . My blogs are heartfelt , sometimes I am happy , sometimes I am extremelly sad - but my blogs are always very real . The Costa Rica NewsCosta Rica News and Information in English . SMART Recovery ® living without alcohol , living againGroundhog Girl - will the day ever change ? living without alcohol , living againBecoming UnstuckGetting out of my own wayMy Truth Starts HereFinding My Authentic SelfThe Sober SchoolInspiration to help you stop drinkingAn Iris Growing in the Negevthe complexities of a creative soul in a concrete worldStarting Over at 50 . One guy 's attempt to write himself back to life . 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The Piegan tribe was southernmost at the headwaters of the Missouri River in Montana , a subtribe belonging to the Siksika Indians of North Saskatchewan in Canada . Piegans were of the Algonquian linguistic family , but warlike toward most of their neighboring tribes , since they had horses for raiding and were supplied with guns and ammunition by their Canadian sources . Piegans also displayed hostility toward explorers and traders . Several smallpox epidemics decimated their population . Now they are gathered on reservations on both sides of the border . One young tribesman was very poor and his face was marked with an ugly scar . Although he saw rich and handsome men of his tribe rejected by the Chief 's daughter , he decided to find out if she would have him for her husband . When she laughed at him for even asking , he ran away toward the south in shame . Morning - Star carried the young man , Scarface , into the sky . Sun said , " Do not bring him into my lodge yet , for he smells ill . Build four sweat lodges . " When this was done , Sun led Scarface into the first sweat lodge . He asked Morning - Star to bring a hot coal on a forked stick . Sun then broke off a bit of sweet grass and placed it upon the hot coal . As the incense arose Sun began to sing , " Old Man is coming in with his body ; it is sacred , " repeating it four times . Using a soft feather , Sun brushed it over the youth 's face , magically wiping away the scar . With a final touch to the young man 's long , yellow hair , Sun caused him to look exactly like Morning - Star . The two young men were led by Sun into his own lodge and placed side by side in the position of honor . Upon reaching home , Morning - Star excitedly reported to his father what had happened . Sun made a victory song honoring the young hero . In gratitude for saving Morning - Star 's life , Sun gave him the forked stick for lifting hot embers and a braid of sweet grass to make incense . These sacred elements necessary for making the sweat lodge ceremony were a gift of trust . " I have been in the sky , " he told them . " Behold me , Morning - Star looks just like this . The Sun gave me these things used in the sweat lodge healing ceremony . That is how I lost my ugly scar . " Scarface explained how the forked stick and sweet grass were used . Then he set to work showing his people how to make the sweat lodge . This is how the first medicine sweat lodge was built upon earth by the Piegan tribe . In the earliest times there was no war . All the tribes were at peace . In those days there was a man who had a daughter , a very beautiful girl . Many young men wanted to marry her , but every time she was asked , she only shook her head and said she did not want a husband . " Why should I marry ? " replied the girl . " I have a rich father and mother . Our lodge is good . The parfleches are never empty . There are plenty of tanned robes and soft furs for winter . Why worry me , then ? " The Raven Bearers held a dance ; they all dressed carefully and wore their ornaments , and each one tried to dance the best . Afterwards some of them asked for this girl , but still she said no . Then the Bulls , the Kit - foxes , and others of the I - kun - uh ' - kah - tsi held their dances , and all those who were rich , many great warriors , asked this man for his daughter , but to every one of them she said no . Then her father was angry , and said : " Why , now , this way ? All the best men have asked for you , and still you say no . I believe you have a secret lover . " " Ah ! " said her mother . " What shame for us should a child be born and our daughter still unmarried ! " " Father , mother ! " replied the girl , " pity me . I have no secret lover , but now hear the truth . That Above Person , the Sun , told me , ' Do not marry any of those men , for you are mine ; thus you shall be happy , and live to great age ' ; and again he said , ' Take heed . You must not marry . You are mine . ' " There was a poor young man , very poor . His father , mother , all his relations , had gone to the Sand Hills . He had no lodge , no wife to tan his robes or sew his moccasins . He stopped in one lodge today , and tomorrow he ate and slept in another ; thus he lived . He was a good - looking young man , except that on his cheek he had a scar , and his clothes were always old and poor . After those dances some of the young men met this poor Scarface , and they laughed at him , and said : " Why don 't you ask that girl to marry you ? You are so rich and handsome ! " Scarface did not laugh ; he replied : " Ah ! I will do as you say . I will go and ask her . " All the young men thought this was funny . They laughed a great deal . But Scarface went down by the river . He waited by the river , where the women came to get water , and by and by the girl came along . " Girl , " he said , " wait . I want to speak with you . Not as a designing person do I ask you , but openly where the Sun looks down , and all may see . " " I have seen the days , " continued the young man " You have refused those who are young , and rich , and brave . Now , today , they laughed and said to me , ' Why do you not ask her ? ' I am poor , very poor . I have no lodge , no food , no clothes , no robes and warm furs . I have no relations ; all have gone to the Sand Hills ; yet , now , today , I ask you , take pity , be my wife . " The girl hid her face in her robe and brushed the ground with the point of her moccasin , back and forth , back and forth ; for she was thinking . After a time she said : " True . I have refused all those rich young men , yet now the poor one asks me , and I am glad . I will be your wife , and my people will be happy . You are poor , but it does not matter . My father will give you dogs . My mother will make us a lodge . My people will give us robes and furs . You will be poor no longer . " & nsbsp ; Then the young man was happy , and he started to kiss her , but she held him back , and said : " Wait ! The Sun has spoken to me . He says I may not marry ; that I belong to him . He says if I listen to him , I shall live to great age . But now I say : Go to the Sun . Tell him , ' She whom you spoke with heeds your words . She has never done wrong , but now she wants to marry . I want her for my wife . ' Ask him to take that scar from your face . That will be his sign . I will know he is pleased . But if he refuses , or if you fail to find his lodge , then do not return to me . " " Oh ! " cried the young man , " at first your words were good . I was glad . But now it is dark . My heart is dead . Where is that far - off lodge ? where the trail , which no one yet has traveled ? " Scarface was very sad . He sat down and covered his head with his robe and tried to think what to do . After a while he got up , and went to an old woman who had been kind to him . " Pity me , " he said . " I am very poor . I am going away now on a long journey . Make me some moccasins . " All alone , and with a sad heart , he climbed the bluffs and stopped to take a last look at the camp . He wondered if he would ever see his sweetheart and the people again . " Hai ' - yu ! Pity me , O Sun , " he prayed , and turning , he started to find the trail . For many days he traveled on , over great prairies , along timbered rivers and among the mountains , and every day his sack of food grew lighter ; but he saved it as much as he could , and ate berries , and roots , and sometimes he killed an animal of some kind . One night he stopped by the home of a wolf . " Hai - yah ! " said that one ; " what is my brother doing so far from home ? " " I have traveled far , " said the wolf . " I know all the prairies , the valleys , and the mountains , but I have never seen the Sun 's home . Wait ; I know one who is very wise . Ask the bear . He may tell you . " " I know not where he stops , " replied the bear . " I have traveled by many rivers , and I know the mountains , yet I have never seen his lodge . There is some one beyond , that striped - face , who is very smart . Go and ask him . " The badger was in his hole . Stooping over , the young man shouted : " Oh , cunning striped - face ! Oh , generous animal ! I wish to speak with you . " " I do not know where he lives , " replied the badger . " I never travel very far . Over there in the timber is a wolverine . He is always traveling around , and is of much knowledge . Maybe he can tell you . " Then Scarface went to the woods and looked all around for the wolverine , but could not find him . So he sat down to rest " Hai ' - yu ! Hai ' - yu ! " he cried . " Wolverine , take pity on me . My food is gone , my moccasins worn out . Now I must die . " " Ah ! " said the wolverine . " I know where he lives . Wait ; it is nearly night . Tomorrow I will show you the trail to the big water . He lives on the other side of it . " Early in the morning , the wolverine showed him the trail , and Scarface followed it until he came to the water 's edge . He looked out over it , and his heart almost stopped . Never before had any one seen such a big water . The other side could not be seen , and there was no end to it . Scarface sat down on the shore . His food was all gone , his moccasins worn out . His heart was sick . " I cannot cross this big water , " he said . " I cannot return to the people . Here , by this water , I shall die . " Not so . His Helpers were there . Two swans came swimming up to the shore . " Why have you come here ? " they asked him . " What are you doing ? It is very far to the place where your people live . " " I am here , " replied Scarface , " to die . Far away , in my country , is a beautiful girl . I want to marry her , but she belongs to the Sun . So I started to find him and ask for her . I have traveled many days . My food is gone . I cannot go back . I cannot cross this big water , so I am going to die . " " No , " said the swans ; " it shall not be so . Across this water is the home of that Above Person . Get on our backs , and we will take you there . " Scarface quickly arose . He felt strong again . He waded out into the water and lay down on the swans ' backs , and they started off . Very deep and black is that fearful water . Strange people live there , mighty animals which often seize and drown a person . The swans carried him safely , and took him to the other side . Here was a broad hard trail leading back from the water 's edge . Scarface started up the trail , and pretty soon he came to some beautiful things , lying in it . There was a war shirt , a shield , and a bow and arrows . He had never seen such pretty weapons ; but he did not touch them . He walked carefully around them , and traveled on . A little way further on , he met a young man , the handsomest person he had ever seen . His hair was very long , and he wore clothing made of strange skins . His moccasins were sewn with bright colored feathers . The young man said to him , " Did you see some weapons lying on the trail ? " " My name , " said the young man , " is A - pi - su ' - ahts . The Sun is my father ; come , I will take you to our lodge . My father is not now at home , but he will come in at night . " Soon they came to the lodge . It was very large and handsome ; strange medicine animals were painted on it . Behind , on a tripod , were strange weapons and beautiful clothes the Sun 's . Scarface was ashamed to go in , but Morning Star said , " Do not be afraid , my friend ; we are glad you have come . " They entered . One person was sitting there , Ko - ko - mik ' - e - is , the Sun 's wife , Morning Star 's mother . She spoke to Scarface kindly , and gave him something to eat . " Why have you come so far from your people ? " she asked . Then Scarface told her about the beautiful girl he wanted to marry . " She belongs to the Sun , " he said . " I have come to ask him for her . " Then Scarface came out from under the robes , and the Sun entered and sat down . " I am glad you have come to our lodge , " he said . " Stay with us as long as you think best . My son is lonesome sometimes ; be his friend . " The next day the Moon called Scarface out of the lodge , and said to him : " Go with Morning Star where you please , but never hunt near that big water ; do not let him go there . It is the home of great birds which have long sharp bills ; they kill people . I have had many sons , but these birds have killed them all . Morning Star is the only one left . " Morning Star would not listen . He ran towards the water , and Scarface followed . He knew that he must kill the birds and save the boy . If not , the Sun would be angry and might kill him . He ran ahead and met the birds , which were coming towards him to fight , and killed every one of them with his spear : not one was left . Then the young men cut off their heads , and carried them home . Morning Star 's mother was glad when they told her what they had done , and showed her the birds ' heads . She cried , and called Scarface " my son . " When the Sun came home at night , she told him about it , and he too was glad . " My son , " he said to Scarface , " I will not forget what you have this day done for me . Tell me now , what can I do for you ? " " Hai ' - yu " replied Scarface . " Hai ' - yu , pity me . I am here to ask you for that girl . I want to marry her . I asked her , and she was glad ; but she says you own her , that you told her not to marry . " " What you say is true , " said the Sun . " I have watched the days , so I know it . Now , then , I give her to you ; she is yours . I am glad she has been wise . I know she has never done wrong . The Sun pities good women . They shall live a long time . So shall their husbands and children . Now you will soon go home . Let me tell you something . Be wise and listen : I am the only chief . Everything is mine . I made the earth , the mountains , prairies , rivers , and forests . I made the people and all the animals . This is why I say I alone am the chief . I can never die . True , the winter makes me old and weak , but every summer I grow young again . " Then said the Sun : " What one of all animals is smartest ? The raven is , for he always finds food . He is never hungry . Which one of all the animals is most Nat - o ' - ye ? The buffalo is . Of all animals , I like him best . He is for the people . He is your food and your shelter . What part of his body is sacred ? The tongue is . That is mine . What else is sacred ? Berries are . They are mine too . Come with me and see the world . " He took Scarface to the edge of the sky , and they looked down and saw it . It is round and flat , and all around the edge is the jumping - off place [ or walls straight down ] . Then said the Sun : " When any man is sick or in danger , his wife may promise to build me a lodge , if he recovers . If the woman is pure and true , then I will be pleased and help the man . But if she is bad , if she lies , then I will be angry . You shall build the lodge like the world , round , with walls , but first you must build a sweat house of a hundred sticks . It shall be like the sky [ a hemisphere ] , and half of it shall be painted red . That is me . The other half you will paint black . That is the night . " Further said the Sun : " Which is the best , the heart or the brain ? The brain is . The heart often lies , the brain never . " Then he told Scarface everything about making the Medicine Lodge , and when he had finished , he rubbed a powerful medicine on his face , and the scar disappeared . Then he gave him two raven feathers , saying : " These are the sign for the girl , that I give her to you . They must always be worn by the husband of the woman who builds a Medicine Lodge . " The young man was now ready to return home . Morning Star and the Sun gave him many beautiful presents . The Moon cried and kissed him , and called him " my son . " Then the Sun showed him the short trail . It was the Wolf Road ( Milky Way ) . He followed it , and soon reached the ground . It was a very hot day . All the lodge skins were raised , and the people sat in the shade . There was a chief , a very generous man , and all day long people kept coming to his lodge to feast and smoke with him . Early in the morning this chief saw a person sitting out on a butte near by , close wrapped in his robe . The chief 's friends came and went , the sun reached the middle , and passed on , down towards the mountains . Still this person did not move . When it was almost night , the chief said : " Why does that person sit there so long ? The heat has been strong , but he has never eaten nor drunk . He may be a stranger ; go and ask him in . " So some young men went up to him , and said : " Why do you sit here in the great heat all day ? Come to the shade of the lodges . The chief asks you to feast with him . " Then the person arose and threw off his robe , and they were surprised . He wore beautiful clothes . His bow , shield , and other weapons were of strange make . But they knew his face , although the scar was gone , and they ran ahead , shouting , " The scarface poor young man has come . He is poor no longer . The scar on his face is gone . " All the people rushed out to see him . " Where have you been ? " they asked . " Where did you get all these pretty things ? " He did not answer . There in the crowd stood that young woman ; and taking the two raven feathers from his head , he gave them to her , and said : " The trail was very long , and I nearly died , but by those Helpers , I found his lodge . He is glad . He sends these feathers to you . They are the sign . " Great was her gladness then . They were married , and made the first Medicine Lodge , as the Sun had said . The Sun was glad . He gave them great age . They were never sick . When they were very old , one morning , their children said : " Awake ! Rise and eat . " They did not move . 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Sarah and Adam would be coming to see her today and she was really looking forward to that . It was their last visit before they left for California for a week so it would be bittersweet . Cassie was amazed at the change in Sarah ; the change that Adam had made in her friend . Sarah glowed with happiness and while Cassie was thrilled for her friend she let her own heart wish for just a moment that she could find that too . There was a brief knock on the door and Cassie 's heart skipped a beat for a half second and then settled down - it wasn 't Georgio 's knock . His was a bit softer always , or so she imagined . She always thought of him as Georgio in her head now , in fact she had a hard time remembering to refer to him as ' Dr . Gorman ' when he was here in the room . Karen , her nurse came into the room to check on her . Cassie grinned when she saw Karen , she liked her a lot . Karen was young and cheeky with a wicked sense of humor , just like Cassie . " Well , good morning there Cassie ! Still lying around here I see ! " " Yeah , because I ain 't got anything better to do , let me tell you ! Keeping a husband on track and chasing 2 year old twins around is a breeze ! " she laughed as she opened the curtains in the room so that the morning sun could shine into the dark room . " How 's that ? " Another knock sounded on the door and this time Cassie smiled ; it was Georgio . He didn 't wait for an invitation , just pushed the door open and came into the room . He smiled as he saw that Karen had opened the curtains because it showed a huge smile on Cassie 's face . He could only hope that part to the reason for her smile was seeing him . Cassie giggled and opened her mouth , prepared to list a few dozen random complaints but he saw what was about to happen and held up his hand in a ' stop ' gesture . " Okay , let me ask this another way otherwise I 'll never get out of here ! So , any leg related complaints ? " He returned her grin , his eyes flashing brightly with humor . " We 're getting there Cassie . " He focused for a moment on her right leg , turning it a bit to test her flexibility . He repeated the motion with her left leg and nodded , apparently satisfied . He placed both his palms flat against the bottom of her feet and asked her to push a bit against his hands . " Whoa ! That 's good , no , that 's great , " he said and made a note on her chart . " Small , but powerful , " he quipped to Karen , whose eyes were sparking with delight over it all . " Okay , this is good . Cassie , we 're going to send you down for an MRI this morning to check on your back , okay ? " he said as he made another note in the chart . To Karen he said , " See if you can get imaging up her in the next hour or so ? " Karen 's laugh could be heard as the room door closed behind her . Cassie swallowed hard , replaying what Georgio had just said through her brain . " Are you serious ? I mean , I am getting better ? " she asked . Georgio hear a vulnerable tremble in her voice and it made him want so badly to hold her close and tell her that it was true . Instead he could only nod and gently touch her hand . " Yes Cassie , I do mean it . You are doing better than I ever expected . " Her breath caught in her throat for a moment as she stared at him . She didn 't trust herself to speak for a minute ; she could only stare into his beautiful eyes and try to blink back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks . The spell was broken just then when the nurse 's aide came in with her breakfast . She stopped in her tracks for a moment as she stared at Cassie and Georgio , knowing that she had interrupted something . " I 'm sorry - I was just dropping off your tray Cassie . I , uh , didn 't mean to interrupt . I can come back in a few minutes ! " She made to leave the room in a hurry ; she thought that Cassie had just received bad news because Cassie had tears in her eyes , which broke her heart . Everyone loved Cassie and they were all pulling for her . " No , no Beverly , come back ! Ge … Dr . Gorman just told me that I 'm getting better , that I 'll be walking , well , maybe not soon , exactly , but I will be walking ! " Her words came out in a rush , all jumbled together in her excitement . Georgio took this moment to say his goodbyes , telling Cassie that he 'd see her later in the day . Cassie watched him go raising her hand in a gesture he didn 't see and one he probably wouldn 't have approved of if he did . Every time you go away , You take a piece of me with you … Hall and Oates was playing in her head again . Sheesh Cass , you should be paying them royalties she thought with a wry grin . Beverly had missed all that ; she was busy pulling the cover off of Cassie 's breakfast so that she could feed her . " Ugh ! " she said , " It 's oatmeal this morning . I 'm sorry ! " ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Marcus from imaging was up to get her within the hour , just as Georgio had wanted . She was used to it all now and 45 minutes later she was back on her way to her room . Her mom and dad were waiting for her and they bore gifts , some banana muffins that her mom had baked that morning . Her mom broke one apart and fed it to her and she savored each bite . " Um , Mom , that is so good ! Thanks so much ; I had oatmeal for breakfast this morning . Well , they call it oatmeal but really it 's more of a facsimile of ground up wet cardboard - I can 't figure out how they do that to oatmeal , you know ? I mean , it doesn 't take a rocket scientist to make oatmeal … " " You know , the army cooks couldn 't make oatmeal either , " her dad said , reminiscing about the ' good old days ' . " We used to wonder if they went to school to learn how to make food taste so bad ! " " Yes , we know honey , " Alice interjected , afraid he was going to go off on a tangent . " Cassie , Max misses you so much ! I always tell him we 're coming to see you and you should see him ; he just sort of cocks his little head as if he understands . And when we come home he always sniffs us over and then just lies down , so dejected . Poor little guy ! " Cassie missed Max too and it broke her heart not to see him . He was her ' baby ' , her only child and she adored him . Sarah always called him the ' yappy little dog ' but she said it with affection and would spoil him just as badly as Cassie herself did . He often stayed with Sarah when Cassie made overnight business trips to set up events and they both seemed to enjoy it . Sarah always said she had ' allergies ' but Cassie never noticed her sneezing around Max , she thought with a smile . " Hopefully when I get transferred I might have a chance to see him , at least once . Dr . Gorman said I was doing really well this morning , that I 'll be walking before too long ! Isn 't that exciting ? " " Oh honey , that 's wonderful , " both of her parents chorused together . " The very best news ! Cassie , we are so very proud of you , of how hard you have worked to do what they told you to , even though it is so hard for you . We know that you will be walking soon , we believe it ! " her mom finished . Early in the afternoon Georgio came in , Karen trailing behind him . Both of them were wearing cat - that - ate - the - canary smiles and Cassie was immediately on edge . Something was up and while she couldn 't wait to find out , she was also scared . Karen immediately began removing the wedge from under her legs . Cassie sighed with pleasure because it felt so good to have her legs out straight . Before she realized what she was doing started flexing her toes and she smiled , until she saw Georgio watching her . " Oops , sorry , " she said sheepishly . " It uh , just feels so good . " She gave an apologetic shrug and grinned . " It does , does it ? Karen , why don 't you throw that thing away ? " he said , throwing a wink at Karen . She grabbed it and set it aside and smiled herself . Cassie looked from one to the other , bewildered . " It means that your spinal cord looks great ; it has mended well and the swelling is gone . We are going to slowly start you on some movement . " " WHAT ? " " S - L - O - W - L - Y Cassie , okay ? " " Okay . Now , we 're going to try something new . We 're going to raise your head up a few inches . Let me know if you feel any discomfort , okay ? " She nodded and felt the bed start to go up . One , two , maybe 10 inches . It felt heavenly . " No pain ! " she told them in an excited voice . " No pain , " she repeated more quietly . She was breathing slow and deeply , trying to adjust to the movement . After a minute or so she said , " It feels okay . I don 't know how long I can handle it , but it doesn 't hurt . " Dr . Gorman made a note in her chart and then closed it with a crisp click . " Okay then , no more than 30 minutes at this height . You can go back down to the first level and stay like that as long as you want , okay ? We 'll leave now , but Karen will come back in a half hour to move the bed down again . If it gets too uncomfortable before then , let her know , okay ? " Cassie nodded at him and smiled . It totally lit her face up and Sarah realized how much she missed that smile . Dr . Gorman nodded his head at Adam and Sarah as he and the nurse left the room and closed the door . Adam took his sunglasses off , but left the hat on , before pulling a couple of chairs around to the side of the bed so we could sit down . He put a chair very close to the tray table so that Sarah could help Cass dig through a huge basket of goodies before bestowing on her his very best dimple smile . Cassie exuded happiness at that smile and Sarah knew she had already figured out the differences of Adam 's smiles and she was delighted about that . Sarah bent over and kissed Cassie on the cheek and her eyes were sparkling brightly . She looked over at the basket of goodies and Sarah saw excitement renewed in those grass green eyes . Sarah felt like Santa Claus and couldn 't wait to help Cassie go through the basket . " I 'll have you know Cass , that I built muscles carrying this up to you . Sarah was adamant about the fact that you needed all of this , " Adam told her , grinning from ear to ear . At Cassie 's delighted " Ohh " , Sarah pushed the tray table as near to her as I could so she could get a good idea of what all was in there . She poked around and moved things until she had seen most of what was in there , and then started to pull things out to sniff . " Oh Sarah , " she said , excitement bubbling over , " Thank you so much . I 'll finally smell good again and I can 't wait to actually take a real bath and wash my hair . And lotion , my skin is so dry , that is the best part ! " She pulled a bottle of Magnolia scented lotion out of the basket and opened it , deeply inhaling its fragrance . " Oh , this is heavenly . " she said , pouring some into her palm . She rubbed the lotion onto her hands and arms , massaging it in with a sigh of pleasure . " Sarah and Adam , thank you so much ! This means so much to me ! " She found a tube of lip balm and opened it and sniffed the vanilla fragrance before spreading it over her lips . " Oh yes , yes ! This is almost better than sex ! " she laughed . " At least , right now ! " Sarah grabbed her hand and squeezed it for a moment before speaking . Cassie 's face had grown thinner and her grass green eyes were a bit shadowed but Sarah said , " Cass , you look fine . A little bedraggled maybe , but that 's to be expected . And nothing that a long hot shower won 't cure … " She slowly held the mirror up , but kept her eyes closed for a moment , as if dreading what she would see . She opened her eyes slowly and looked into the mirror , staring into it solemnly . Huge green eyes looked into Sarah 's and blinked back tears . " In some ways you aren 't , Cass . Neither of us are . You 've been through a life - altering situation , how could you NOT be different ? " Sarah paused for a moment , thinking over what to say to her , how to say it . " Cassie , I think that what we , especially you , have been through has made us stronger , better people . A bit more compassionate and caring and for me , patient , maybe , " Sarah said , shrugging her shoulders while wearing a grin plastered on her face . " The point is I guess , what I 'm trying to say , and not very well , is that it 's our choice what we take away from all this . We can choose to use the new attributes to our benefit or we can just think about how bad it has been . This whole experience has brought me a greater understanding of myself and what I want , " Sarah told her , smiling at Adam as she said that . " I might not have been so willing to take a chance , you know ? Of course you know , me I mean . It scared me , on an emotional level . It showed me what and who is most important in my life , worth fighting for , you know ? " " I feel like that too Sarah , but I still feel unable to take charge of anything and that is so frustrating to me . I hate only being allowed these small steps . I want to run , not walk and yet it 's my own body that is betraying me . I lie here in this damn bed and think about everything in my life that is on hold , just sitting there collecting dust . " Sarah nodded , sympathy tugging at her . She did know exactly how Cassie felt . Except she had been hurt so much worse , her struggle to regain her quality of life was far more difficult than Sarah 's had been . " You know what Cass ? I decided to look at it as a new start to things ; maybe that 's how you need to think about it too . You can 't change what is happening except to be determined to be the winner , and I know you have already done that . So focus on one day at a time , one step at a time . You will get through it , I promise you . I 'll help you every step of the way . It 's going to be tough , but you are far tougher Cassie ! " Sarah told her , taking her hand and rubbing it gently . " I believe it was three musketeers , not two . Unless you two don 't want a third ? " Adam told them , taking both of their hands into his . Sarah looked at him , and what she saw in his eyes was genuine empathy for Cassie and caring . She realized that Cassie saw that too . Cass nodded , almost imperceptibly and said , " Deal ! " Adam and Sarah both repeated that , and each knew that the bargain was struck . Karen came back in and lowered Cassie 's bed and Sarah could tell that she was tired . It had been an exciting day for her , but it had been a wonderful day and Sarah felt fortunate to have been able to share in her happiness . They stayed awhile longer , but Cass was fighting yawns so they decided it was time to leave ; although that was reluctant on Sarah 's part . She knew it would be a week before she would see her again and she tried to focus on all the wonderful new things that would be happening in her life by then . Sarah hugged her , as best she could and kissed Cassie soundly on the cheek . They both were crying ; inherently they both knew what the week apart would bring . Adam hugged her too and kissed her on the forehead again and it was so touching to see them interacting . " Hey , maybe you can get your doctor to move that basket for you ! You can see if he has any muscles ! " Adam quipped . Sarah stood in the doorway of Cassie 's room and blew her a kiss before waving goodbye . Adam pulled the door shut behind them Cassie closed her eyes for a moment . She felt good , better than good . She would miss Sarah and Adam too she realized but good things were happening and she realized that she couldn 't wait ! Oh yay ! A Friday post of Wishing on Stars is the perfect way to end a very loooooong week at work . Sigh . I can go into my weekend a happy woman now . Hey Jo ! Glad you are enjoying the story ! Georgio is kind of addicting to me , he just gets better and better ! Michelle Anne , welcome to the blog ! Thanks so much for reading and feel free to jump in anytime with comments ! Stephanie , the author of some of my favorite blogs is back with a new one . Check it out ! Here 's a brief synopsis of the story . . . . Te . . . Viva … Athens ? Cassie and Georgio 's flight wasn 't a long one but Cassie enjoyed every moment of it . The sun was just beginning to set over t . . .

I 've heard the argument , the justifications , but the truth of the matter is . . . there is no such thing as an ethical adoption agency . They don 't exist . They can 't exist under the nature of what adoption is in our culture . Because for an adoption agency to be truly ethical , to really care first and foremost about pregnant mothers and children , they would have to go against just about everything they are in business for . They would actually have to admit that adoption counseling is coercive just in the very nature of how it is done . Admit the damage separating a child from his or her family causes . And turn away from the profits they earn with each " successful " adoption . A truly ethical adoption agency would refuse , without question or argument , to see or talk to a pregnant mother about adoption until she had received crisis counseling for her situation . . . TRUE crisis counseling . Not the kind that comes from counselors that earn their paychecks from mothers giving up their babies . Or Social Workers who aren 't trained to recognize or work with those who are in the midst of a crisis . It has to be from those who know . Those who are licensed and have been educated and trained to realize that a mother claiming she wants to give away her child is not a normal reaction . To understand there are fears driving such feelings and a responsibility on the one offering counseling to help her not only work through her fears but overcome them so that any decision made is one done so outside of the emotions that are pushing her to make a rash decision that will affect her for the rest of her life . But there is not an agency I know of that has such requirements . Instead they work their way around that by claiming they truly care about the pregnant mother because they offer " options " for parenting . What they don 't say , but they know . . . trust me , THEY KNOW . . . is that it doesn 't mean a thing to offer such options to a woman who is already caught up in fear . Already believes she can 't do it . If she hasn 't been helped to overcome her fears , encouraged to seek solutions and answers to what is pushing her to make such an irrational decision , such options are going to be rejected without thought because she is already living under the terrible fear that she isn 't good enough for her own child . And NOBODY has helped her work through that fear or overcome it . She has already been denied the help she needed . . . deserved . And is instead being manipulated because of her fears . Her desperate emotions being used to push her to give away her child . And there would definitely not be situations such as this grandmother 's where biological families were denied their own grandchildren , nieces , nephews , cousins , because there were already strangers being given the promise of adoption . Keeping children , whenever possible , within their families would go beyond just a practice . Beyond whatever it is an adoption agency might tell others to appear ethical . It would be a requirement , a must , before any other form of adoption occurred . They would fight for it , be vigilant about it . And wouldn 't stray from it , not even if their profits were threatened . They make money . They gain . They succeed off of taking children from their mothers and handing them over to strangers who have the ability to pay for them . They lie to adoptive parents , first parents and even adoptees . They cover their tracks , call themselves non - profit , do whatever they can to hide the one and true reason why they do what they do . . . MONEY . The money they will not give up . Money that keeps their manipulative , coercive , corrupt and illegal practices going . Money that pays for lobbyists to push for laws that keep them unregulated , untouched even when they clearly break the law . Money that denies protection for pregnant mother and children . Money that does and will continue to make it impossible for any adoption agency . . . anywhere . . . to ever be ethical . Because they can 't be . They don 't want to be . And they never will be . Not it today 's world . Not in the ugly truth that is adoption . The ugly truth that won 't change until our support , our belief . . . our own personal ethics . . . change and demand better . Posted by And these young moms are amazing . . . so amazing . They are everything a mother should be . They are the proof to what it really means to make a loving sacrifice for your child . They are changing their lives , learning parenting skills , creating job skills , whatever it takes , whatever they need to do to become the best mothers they can be . To find self - efficiency . Gain power over themselves , their futures , and the futures of their children . And they are everything the adoption industry doesn 't want them to be . They are the ones that are considered selfish , unloving , irresponsible because they didn 't give away their baby . Because they didn 't believe they were unworthy or unfit but instead knew they could do it . . . could do ANYTHING . . . for their child . Adoption isn 't a loving sacrifice . It is fear and desperation . Coercion and manipulation . It is about a woman who is carrying a product that another woman wants . It 's about an industry that gains off of taking a child away from one mother to satisfy the needs of another . It 's about creating a terrible belief that women who actually work hard , change their lives , do everything they can to keep and raise their children are the " bad " ones . The ones not to be praised or respected , but instead chided and ridiculed for not giving away their babies to that " better " person waiting in line . Pictures of those mothers who gave up their children , praise for them , respect for them , is in abundance . They are so wonderful . So great for what they did . They are responsible and loving and unselfish because they gave away their baby to somebody better . Because they didn 't try to change their life , gain parenting skills , work skills and do whatever it took to be the best mother possible to their child . Instead we call them selfish , unloving , immature . We don 't see - because we are so deep into the lies flooding adoption - how much better it is , how much everything could change , if we supported these women . Supported programs like Hope House . Held them up in the highest of regard because of their TRUE sacrifice for their children . Praised them and helped them and created an overwhelming wave of mothers who have been empowered to be the very best they can be , for themselves and their children . Those in the adoption industry like to pretend they are supporting and caring of pregnant women . But they aren 't . It is impossible for them to be . You can 't empower a woman while also sending the message that there is another woman out there who just might be a " better " mother for her child . You can 't support her and encourage her when you don 't address , from the start , the fears that are holding her back from believing she is strong enough , capable enough . . . GOOD ENOUGH . When the very message that adoption sends is one of being less than and unable to overcome whatever obstacles there may be to become the best person she can possibly be - for herself and for her child . We need to , desperately , start standing up as one against the damage adoption causes in our society . We need to look harder and deeper into what it truly means to sacrifice for your child . To be the voice that fights for TRUE empowerment for pregnant women . Our government , our laws , aren 't changing anytime soon . But we can change . As a society we can refuse to support any practice , any industry . . . ANYBODY . . . who discourages women from making a true loving sacrifice for their children and instead encourages them to sacrifice their child , the most intimate , precious parts of themselves , for the greed , desires and judgments of others . We can say , " NO MORE . " We have the power . We have the ability . And we have the knowledge , deep down inside of us . . . in those areas the adoption industry can 't touch with their lies . . . of just how much of a change we could make if we offered every pregnant mother facing a crisis the help , support and power to be everything she and her child will ever need . NO PRETENDING ADOPTION IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO ABORTION - - As it has been said , over and over again , the two are not related . Abortion is the decision to continue a pregnancy . Adoption is a decision about parenting . NO CLAIMING THAT ADOPTION IS A LOVING OPTION - - Adoption is not from love . It comes from fear and desperation . . . . . . Any my last and final " no " for this month . . . NO MORE BILLION DOLLAR PROFITS FOR THE ADOPTION INDUSTRY - - It is disgusting that any one of us supports and encourages an industry that treats human beings , innocent children , like merchandise . That we allow them to be " price - tagged " based on demand for their race , sex and age . That we really see nothing wrong with dedicating an entire month to celebrate something that in the greed of providing children for parents who are willing to pay for them we have left behind the children truly in need . Wow ! National Adoption Awareness month has really kicked off with a bang this year . I can definitely see where we should all be dancing around and celebrating all that is wonderful in the big , rainbow colored world of adoption . They get kicked and shoved to the ground more times than anyone can count and yet they pick themselves up , brush off their backsides and go back at it . Not for them , or the money hungry adoption industry , but for the children . You know , those pesky little ones that adoption is supposed to be all about to start with . But it doesn 't matter because nobody wants to hear them . Not if they aren 't speaking the " truth " they are supposed to say . You know the one . Where they must bow down at the sacred temple of adoption and be grateful for all the wonderful gifts it brought to their life . And how do they dare speak out on the blog of an adoptive mother who , in her disgusting attempt to continue to build her own popularity ( articles in Adoption Today Magazine , awards for being an inspiring family ) places her adopted daughter in second place by refusing to teach her about the racism she will face later in life . By encouraging as " cute " her being a part of such racism . The very kind of racism that ALL MOTHERS - - biological , adoptive , foster , step - - should always teach their children is wrong and inappropriate in any situation . Listen to them . Give the meaning of National Adoption Awareness Month importance by giving the voices who have lived the life of being adopted , the lead . Forget all your crap - - Adoptive and First moms alike - - and step back , listen and learn from those who have the most important message to be told . . . The adoptees . The ones who were the children that it is supposed to be all about . Such memories are part of the many I treasure when I think of my Grandfather . I was only fourteen when he died , just two years before I gave up my oldest son . . . his great grandson . And I can 't help but wonder , at times , what he thinks of what I did . What he thinks of the fact that his only grandchild ( at the time of his death ) who was saved from adoption herself partly because of my grandfather 's strong belief in the importance of family , sacrificed her own child . Handed him over to strangers because she believed the tricks of the adoption agency . . . Tricks that never came with any treats . Because they desperately need us to believe that separating a mother and child at birth causes no harm . And they tell us this , over and over again . Doing their very best to convince a pregnant mother that her baby doesn 't even know who she is , won 't suffer at all from being given away to strangers from the moment of birth . And it is the worst . . . and most harmful . . . trick of all . Because it 's a lie . One the adoption industry , and certain others , hold on to even with the studies , the knowledge , the simple human instinct that proves them wrong over and over again . Babies know who their mothers are . They know . They hear them . They feel them . They are a part of them . In everything that is so frightening and new to them at the moment of birth , there is one thing . . . one person . . . who gives them comfort . . . Their mothers . But because she was her mother . She was the one person my granddaughter knew , could be comforted by . Though there wasn 't any choice but to be placed in the NICU , it wasn 't good for my granddaughter to be separated from her mother , to be around strangers , no matter how much they cared for her or were there to help her . She needed her mother . Needed the one person she knew . And as the nurses said , the one person - her mother - that studies proved , the more contact with , the higher the recovery rate . And her mother was there . Always there . Never wanting to leave her little girl . We had to fight with her to get a few hours sleep . To pull her away from her daughter 's crib when she was so pale from exhaustion she looked like a walking ghost . She knew the truth . Nobody tricked her , lied to her . There was no profit to be made . No treats to walk away with . So she was told , as all mothers should be , how important it was for her child to have her mother around . How much she needed her , how traumatic it was for her to be separated from the one person she knew and could be comforted by . But so many other babies aren 't given that . So many other mothers are lied to . All in the name of profits , in the hopes of another woman desperately wanting a child . Babies aren 't blank slates . They aren 't these non - intelligent beings born without knowledge of where they are or who they are with . I 've been reminded of that every day since my granddaughter was born . She knows , even in a household of four adults and one doting teenage aunt , who her mother is . She has from the very start . None of us are strangers to her anymore . But her mother , she is the one my granddaughter responds to the most . I see it , am witness to the truth every single day . I am so far behind in just about everything these days , especially the blogging world . But it is all for a very good reason . . . My granddaughter decided she didn 't want to wait around for her September 19th due date . She figured the hot summer days of August were more to her liking . And since I told her not to come while I was away in San Antonio at the Adoptee Rights Demonstration , she picked that as the perfect time to make her debut . It was a sixteen hour drive , in the middle of the night , to get us from San Antonio back home to Colorado . We were on a dark Kansas Interstate , six hours left to go , when she was born . My youngest son , the wonderful man that he is , took a picture just a few minutes after she was born and sent it to us . And there she was , naked and screaming , and as beautiful as ever . And today . . . my granddaughter is almost three months old and absolutely perfect . Though she was six weeks early , she was born healthy and strong and spent less than a week in the NICU . From there she came home to our house , with her wonderful parents ( my youngest son and daughter - in - law ) and has reminded me every day just how truly amazing it is to be a grandmother . And in all the congratulations and well wishes since her birth I have been asked , only once , if I regretted going to San Antonio and missing the birth of my first grandchild . And my answer was exactly as it still is now and will be in the future . . . No . I don 't , and never will , regret it . Because I do wish I could have been there when my granddaughter was born . I would be lying if I said otherwise . But I wasn 't there . I can never change that I wasn 't there . And if I wasn 't meant to be there , through fate , God , or whatever force you might believe in , than I was meant to be in the next best place I could have been . I could have been anywhere , doing anything , with anyone , when I learned my granddaughter was on her way . But I wasn 't . I was somewhere that meant something to me . Something beyond anything I could even try to explain . And it 's beyond the fact that I finally had a part in standing up and speaking out for the Adoptee Rights that I believe in . ( Though I am SO disappointed that I missed my booth time and solemnly swear to do double time next year in Chicago . ) It was who I was with . The wonderful people I was surrounded by , that made the experience something I know I will forever be grateful for . And it was those friends I was with when I learned my granddaughter was on her way . This group of wonderful people who I never even knew - just a mere five years ago - existed . Who are some of the most giving , understanding , loving and loyal human beings I have ever had the honor of crossing paths with . Outside of my husband and my other children , they were the first to know my granddaughter was on her way . The first tears I shed were on the shoulder of a wonderful woman and adoptee who I think was actually crying before I was . The first hugs and congratulations came from those who , through their own stories and experience , their support and friendship , held me up and kept me going during some of the darkest times of my life when it felt as if adoption had beaten me down as far as I could go . What there is instead is a story to share with my granddaughter as she gets older . She will always know where I was and what I was fighting for when I found out she was coming earlier than expected . She 'll always be told about the wonderful people who were the first to know she was on her way . And she 'll always have her own personal tale of how she became our San Antonio Surprise . Did you know , he is actually an unbelievable individual ? He really , truly is . How could he not be ( I mean besides my own completely biased view ) when he has , if you count his birth certificates , been born three times . Yep , out of all four of my children , my oldest son is the only one who has three birth certificates . Three DIFFERENT birth certificates . Not three copies of the same . And one of the craziest parts of that is , his second amended birth certificate , the one he is " allowed " to get , has the exact same information on it as his original birth certificate except for the fact that his father was finally allowed to be included as well . So his time of birth , his place of birth and my name , as the mother who actually truly did give birth to him , are exactly the same as what his original birth certificate states . And yet , he still cannot just walk into our local health and human services office and obtain his original birth certificate . Yeah . Makes all kinds of sense doesn 't it ? Especially if you try to use the logic those against adoptee rights like to throw out there - - that he is being denied his equal rights to protect his " birthmother . " Ha ! As of right now , in his life , according to all the legal mumbo jumbo that has passed through the courts , my son actually has two " birthmothers . " ( I told you he was an unbelievable individual . Not only has he been born three times , he 's also been born to two different women ! ) And yet , twisted as it is , under the logic so many try , desperately , to use to deny an adoptee their equal rights , my son is denied his original birth certificate AND his first amended birth certificate to protect both myself and his adoptive mother - the only two moms he has in life - from having any contact from him ( cause you know he is this crazy , unsettled sort of creature that surely would put us at harm . I mean , really , I should just be so thankful I have survived this long with him back in my life . Who knows when he might break and become the madman he is sure to be . ) Because the fact remains that my son 's story , Linda 's story , Amanda 's story , Allison 's story , Joy 's story . . . etc . . . etc . . . etc . . . all boil down to one clear and true reality - Give adoptees their equal rights . Give them what the rest of us take for granted . Allow them to be adults . And everything else , the multiple births by two different women , the medical history , the right to know their roots . . . ALL OF IT , will be an argument of the past , one no longer needed to be rehashed by the act of one simple action . . . And that is , plain and simple , all it is . That is why I , my wonderful husband , and my daughter , will be in San Antonio . That is why so many other wonderful adoptees , First Moms and Adoptive Moms will be there as well . Though I was too naïve with my oldest son to realize what was happening , I have never . . . NEVER . . . doubted the bonding that happened between myself and ALL my children during pregnancy . I could tell you who kicked the most . Who had hiccups ALL THE TIME . Who loved when I slept on my back and who loved when I slept on my side . And it isn 't like it is this giant , screaming occurrence that happens . Instead it 's the little things . Those moments that come and go , that you are lucky enough to catch , that give proof to the bond between a mother and her unborn child . And yet , I also know something else . Understand something that is so important . . . For my Granddaughter , no matter how much I already love her . No matter how much I have planned and looked forward to and been eager for her to finally be born . . . I am , and will be for awhile , a complete stranger to her . I may love her with all my heart , love her in a way I can 't even describe at the moment , but that doesn 't change the fact that she will not know me , love me , or even trust me when she is born . I am , as of right now , a stranger to her , as is everyone who is not her mother . She will not enter this world suddenly loving me as I love her . How can she when it is not my voice , my scent , my heartbeat she knows ? And knowing that makes me so thankful that my Granddaughter will have her mother there . That she will never feel alone or afraid in a world of strangers because her mother , the one she does know , love and trust , will be there for her . Will be the comfort nobody else can offer her during those tender months after her birth as she is learning to trust and believe in those who surround her . I couldn 't imagine different for her and am so thankful I don 't have to . But my heart does break when I think of how many infants will never know the comfort and safety my Granddaughter will always know because adoption will take that away from them . Because so many want . . . need . . . cling to the belief that there is no damage in separating as child from the one person he or she has loved , relied on and trusted long before the rest of us have ever even become a part of their life . And though I want to kick myself , scream at the top of my lungs , create some kind of punishment for those who caused my oldest son to never have such security in the earliest part of his life ( including me and all that I robbed him of . ) I 've come to realize that sometimes you don 't know , or understand , until you have that opportunity to be on this side of things , when you are the outsider looking in , learning and seeing what you couldn 't while it was happening to you personally . I took a moment in time that I am celebrating , loving and enjoying , and yanked it away from her . I not only allowed some other woman to become my son 's mother , I also allowed another woman to become my son 's Grandmother . A place in his life I truly had no right stripping from him or my mother , his grandmother . And yet , now . . . I get it ! I would do anything for my Granddaughter . There is nothing you could ask of me that would be too much when it came to the health and happiness of that little girl . I would give my all , sacrifice everything I had for her . . . just as I would have done for any of my children . I was right , without doubt ! My mom , because she is me and I am her , was feeling exactly as I do today . She loved her Grandson before he was ever born . Would have done anything for him , not because she was forced to by my own selfishness . But because she loved him , loved me . Because he was her Grandson . Because he was a part of her and a part of her child . Because she wanted , and always has , what was best for me and for my children . If I were to lose my Grandchild , I fully believe it would be the end of me . And it hurts and tears me apart to know that , if my daughter - in - law had come across different feelings . If she had decided to give up my Granddaughter , whether my son , the dad , or the rest of the family agreed , we would have no say , no ability to keep our Granddaughter , daughter , niece in the family . Because to them , I mean nothing . To them , strangers have the right to take away my Granddaughter if that is what her mother decides and I have no say , no legal rights to fight . Nothing to save my family and keep it intact . I am , as a Grandmother who is already crazy in love with her Granddaughter . As one who would give everything , sacrifice whatever I have for her , nothing in the eyes of so many . Especially those who are so eager to profit or gain off of the very thought of my Granddaughter 's birth . Because my Granddaughter . . . a healthy , white infant . . . is a hot commodity in today 's world . A product desired , bought and sold in what is reality for so many . And if just one thing , one small thing , had gone different , she could be on the selling block with so many other infants , a price tag on her head and a promised life of never knowing , never growing up with having the experience of being part of a family that has loved her , wanted her , and known she was a part of us , of all we are , from the moment she was conceived and began her journey into this world . It 's been two and a half years since he was traveling around the internet and came across this site . . . Adoption : A Path of the Heart . At that time , the blog owner allowed comments and my son took full advantage of it . First , let me start off with saying this is one of the most disgusting things I have ever laid my eyes upon , and I 've seen a lot in my 21 years of living , but this , putting a price on a child and listing him / her on a blog as if you were selling a car is just wrong . A white Caucasian male will run you about 35k while an African - American male child will run you about 23k . What is this , cars made by a certain company therefore will be better ? Are you serious ? These are children people . The most innocent thing in the world has now become a Market for investments and profit . Look at the way you list them here as if they were a product , like they came out of a plastic box . Do you not have children of your own ? Let me ask you this , would put a price tag on them and sell them on the open market ? No ? Then why do you find it to be right to sell another person ( s ) child over blogspot ? I am a product of the whole open adoption craze . It was like a new fashion craze amongst you . Everyone is doing it so it must be right . Well it 's not right and I will tell you why . When my Amom stopped sending my Mother ( Cassi ) news and pictures on how I was doing , my Mother went to the adoption agency and complained . They told her there is nothing she can do about it , that I was now under the control of my Amom ( Terri ) . My adoption was an open one and just like that it became closed . I will only say this , the amount of pain that caused my mother still ripples through time today . What it did to me has changed who I am forever . I spent most of my youth jumping around from step dad to step dad , watching the first one physically and mentally abuse Terri and I . The second one never loved me . He told me that himself . There was no father figure besides Terri 's Father . He passed away when I was 15 , the only sort of guidance for me had passed on to a better place . I was lost . I didn 't know who I was I knew that I wasn 't blood with the people I lived with and deep down inside I knew I didn 't belong where I was . As a teen I was far from an angel . I did a lot of things I look back on now and hold in deep regret of my actions . When I was 16 , Terri left me with her Mother who at the time was unable to walk . I had complete freedom and I took full advantage of it . I found myself stealing her car , credit cards , and cash and partying every night . By the time I was 17 , I was kicked out of Terri 's mother 's house and left to move back in with Terri . This was the hardest time of my life . Terri was a drunk and a mean one at that . It caused many fights and many problems for us . I don 't want to cover much on this time . I was doing nothing but living to die . I knew deep down I hated everything and everyone and the only thing that made that go away was an abusive drug habit that still scars my heart today . Both of my shoulders are destroyed from self inflected wounds . They will never look the same . These are the things that haunt me . Now I tell you that story to tell you this one . The adoption agency told my mom she would not be able to be a good mother for me . Those lying bastards . I have 2 little brothers and one little sister . Both of my Parents are still together and married doing what they can to make sure we , their children , have everything we need to succeed in life . They told her this would not happen . Now I 've read all over books about feeling angry towards ( and I hate using this term ) the Natural parents and if you 're one of those right now reading this , I want to say this from me to you . Forgive and open your heart . Remember when you were young and scared about the world ? Well they were too and they were tricked by a money thirsty industry . If they would have known the true cost it would never have happened and it would have been done there . So again forgive . Your heart will feel better as will theirs . So don 't sit there and tell me someone can 't raise a child because they 've smoked a little pot . Or because they are young and still young adults themselves . 99 % of parents out there love their children with all their heart to an extent that words cannot describe . I say 99 % because there is that 1 % who kill their children because they are legitimately insane and God told them to do it . And so now here you sit reading over ads on the Internet for children . All of them have different packages and mileage on them and you feel good about yourself ? It should not matter the race or gender or age of the child . Why ? Because they are children , all the same innocence wrapped up in a bundle of joy . I 'm a First / Natural Mother , not a Birthmother . My situation was not a loving , selfless act . It was an act of fear and desperation . And I d . . . I am a mother . I own a blog . I write about adoption . But according to the powers that be over at Circle Of Moms , I am not qual . . . I read a blog post not too long ago . . . Enough It is , for the most part , the same as I 've read time and time again . She 's a mom . . . " Well , they obviously want to raise her . I couldn 't qualify that compared to the way I feel . I know how I feel . So - - and it feels to me . . . I was sixteen and pregnant . Frightened and so confused . I remember the pamphlet my school nurse handed me . Pregnant ? Confused ? We understand . We can help you decide which option is best for you and your baby . I needed that . An adult who would comfort me , help me and not judge . Blindly I walked into the adoption agency , seeking help , information , and my life was never the same . They used my age and my emotions for their own gain . Their offered comfort came with one agenda in mind - to make sure I chose adoption for my unborn baby . I walked in their doors as an unknowing , trusting child . I walked out as a battered mother who lost more than she could ever imagine .

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now

To be notified of new postings , e - mail me . We also have a paid subscription blog for families interested in more detailed analysis of China 's program . Due to the sensitive nature of these articles , they are available by subscription only . ( http : / / www . research - china . org / blogs / index . htm ) 9 / 24 / 13 Update : Since the publication of this essay , China 's " aging out " program has grown . Director Pei , retired director of the Luoyang orphanage , is now the in - country liason for China 's " orphan hosting " program , whereby supposedly older , aging out children are invited to travel to the U . S . to live with American families , with the hope that these families will decide to adopt them . Director Pei has begun working with director Zhou of the Fuzhou orphanage in Jiangxi Province , recruiting older children from their areas to participate in these programs . This " Orphan Hosting " program has been embraced by New Horizons , who is working with director Pei , CCAI , America World Adoption , Lifeline , and other agencies . The most recent fabricated " aging out " adoption was completed in June 2013 . 4 / 24 / 12 Update : The past three weeks have apparently seen a lot of activity at WACAP , with several key staff members rumored to have left the agency . Additionally , families have come forward reporting similar experiences with other orphanages , including one assistant orphanage director of a large Jiangxi orphanage who allegedly laundered his own daughter for international adoption . The U . S . State Department is rumored to be looking into the allegations presented in this article , although I have no first - hand confirmation of that . 4 / 4 / 12 Update : One of the families profiled in this article has decided to lend her own voice to the story . " Debbie " writes an immensely popular blog here , and posted about her story this morning . _____________________________ I didn 't want to post this article publicly . I have been pretty much in a " zen " place , posting the in - depth articles about China 's international adoption program to my subscription blog . I have known about the issues discussed in this article for a while , but felt that families wanting to know more could subscribe to our blog . This kept the " blow back " from waiting families and others at a minimum , since subscription blog readers are composed of families who have deep experience in China 's program , and could accept the stories and discoveries without too much emotional anxiety . The sad reality is that as the number of healthy , young children coming into China 's orphanages has declined , waiting families have often migrated to China 's Special Needs and Special Focus program . Orphanages have responded to this increased interest by inventing creative means for obtaining children to satisfy this new demand . The following article focuses on one well - known orphanage , but evidence shows that this program is wide - spread ( see related links at the conclusion of this article ) . I contacted WACAP for their input , and they responded with a lengthy response , insisting that I correct my " misunderstandings " . I informed them that while I appreciated their perspective , the information in the following article originated from first - hand accounts of adoptive families and others . I did tell WACAP that I would be happy to post their comment at the end of the article , but they declined my offer . I personally have no ax to grind with WACAP , and appreciate the difficult position they find themselves in when dealing with China . They are used in this article merely as the unfortunate example to illustrate an extensive and deep - rooted problem ; certainly other agencies are equally involved . I have long ago given up on the hope that China 's program will change , its abuses end . Therefore , this article is simply a " red flag " to prospective adoptive families to learn from the sad experience of these families , and a host of others , to be aware of potential deceptions and abuses . For families that have already adopted an " aging out " child ( Although this article focuses on adoptees older than ten years old , the problem encompasses children of all ages ) , be alert to red flags in your own relationships and conversations with your adopted child . This article will hopefully shed a bright light on these deceptions , and protect future birth parents , adoptees , and adoptive families from entering agreements blindly . If you have a similar story to those recounted below , please feel free to leave a comment , or contact me at BrianStuy @ Research - China . Org . Your privacy will be completely protected . Brian H . Stuy ______________________________ The Dark Side of China 's " Aging Out " Program In the Fall of 2008 , WACAP adoption agency began to send e - mails out to many adoption groups pleading for a new group of older orphans who needed families . " They are all listed as healthy , " the broadcast e - mail read , " They are in danger of turning 14 and ' ageing ( sic ) out . ' This means they may have no support or resources and have to live on their own in China - if they are not adopted before they turn 14 . " This particular group would become known as the first " Journey of Hope " program through WACAP , one of the largest China adoption programs in the U . S . Emails went out and word spread through the Yahoo groups discussing WACAPs new program , which included the Luoyang orphanage adoption group , where adoptive families were advocating for children " soon to be aging out " of that orphanage , which comprised the majority of the children on WACAP 's list . One Luoyang adoptive parent wrote of " a program that was to get older kids adopted . Perhaps there is a new effort to get the older kids paperwork ready and have files in at CCAA . Maybe , they are being added to CCAA 's new ' shared ' list . Thirty or so agencies are now being ' tested ' with the new ' shared ' list of older or sn kids . " Observers of China 's international adoption program have observed that the program has " morphed " over the years , with particularly sharp changes occurring after the Hunan scandal of 2005 . Not only did the number of children coming into China 's orphanages experience a sharp decline following December 2005 , but the composition of those foundlings also changed . Whereas historically more than 95 % of foundlings had been extremely young healthy females , following the scandal the percentage of male and SN foundlings began to sharply climb . Today , around a third of all Chinese adoptions are male , and over half are Special Needs . To take an illustrative example , between 2000 and 2011 , Guangdong Province submitted 2 , 343 boys for adoption out of a total of 23 , 032 children , or roughly 10 % boys . However , that averagThis kind of demographic shift is typical , if not more pronounced , in the other Provinces as well . With that shift has come an increase in awareness of " Special focus " children , including those in danger of " aging out " . Attentive observers rightfully wonder where these children came from , and why the sudden apparent shift in cultural norms that have resulted in such a dramatic increase in male children being made available for adoption . There was an overwhelming response from the adoption community to WACAP 's publicity of their " Journey of Hope " children , and the majority of the children were soon matched , but not all . More than a year passed and there were still children waiting from the program . Some of the children had been moved to the shared list and other Luoyang children were beginning to show up on individual lists . Some children had already been home for a year . The children left behind were communicating with those who had already found families , questioning when they too might have a family . The pleas of one particular child , " Jonathan " , pulled on the heartstrings of " Sue " ( not her real name ) as he continued to wait . Jonathan was telling his friends who were already in America that if he did not have a family soon , the orphanage would kick him out . " Someone help me get adopted , " he pleaded to his friends . Word spread and Sue wondered what would happen to him , so she called WACAP and inquired if she could actually bring him home . Sue began to ask her son if he was really thirteen , and he assured her that he was . " Are you sure you are thirteen ? " she pushed . As he had an upcoming birthday , she wanted to make sure that the celebration was purposeful . But Jonathan exhibited no excitement about the celebration , and in fact acted like the whole episode embarrassed him . Sue found this puzzling . " Perhaps he has never had a birthday celebration , " she wondered , " the poor boy . " Again she asked him about his age . " Can you at least give me what Chinese sign you were born under ? " she pleaded . One afternoon , after pushing him yet again to give her some clue as to when he was actually born , he responded , " China told me never to tell . China said I could never tell my real birthday . " Sue was stunned . " You are our child now , they can 't do anything to you . " Her son understood , but was still terrified to say anything . " No , I can 't tell , I can 't tell , China said to never tell . " No matter how hard Sue pushed , Jonathan would not relent . A few weeks later , Jonathan initiated the conversation . " Can China get me in trouble ? " he asked . No , was Sue 's answer , you are safe from China . " OK , " Jonathan replied , " then I am 17 , not 13 . " Sue did not know what to think . She had gone to China to adopt a boy that was ostensibly a young teen , and now she realized that she had adopted a near - adult . Who had known this ? Her agency ? The orphanage ? Jonathan continued : " You know , I am not alone . There are lots and lots of my friends that have the same story . " Indeed , witnesses in the orphanage remember Director Pei , when he heard in 2008 that WACAP was coming to start up the " Journey of Hope " program , going out with the orphanage van and coming back a short time later with two teenage kids to put in the program . Sue went to retrieve Jonathan 's paperwork received at his adoption . The paperwork says your birth mother is dead . No , she is alive . It said your grand - father was old and ailing . No , he is not . He is alive and well . And then Sue recalled a conversation at the school conference a few months earlier . Jonathan 's teacher mentioned how neat it was that he could still talk to his brother in China . Sue assumed the teacher was confused , as she had no knowledge of a relationship with family members , especially a brother . Surely the teacher misunderstood . Sue was wrong . It was in that moment that Jonathan decided to open up and tell his story . " My birth family visited me while I was in the orphanage . I have a photo we took as a family a week before you came to adopt me . " Jonathan retrieved the secret photo and showed it to Sue . She observed how fit and happy the family looked , not at all like the " old and ailing " grandparents she had read about in Jonathan 's pre - adoption descriptions . Jonathan explained that his birth family was against the idea of Jonathan going to the U . S . , out of fear they would never see him again . Jonathan , however , was excited . This was his chance to become rich and famous . This question was posed to Jonathan 's birth grandfather , who was the individual that had relinquished Jonathan to the orphanage . When asked why he had turned his grandson to the orphanage , he recounted how one day he and his wife were approached by Luoning County Civil Affairs officials . They started the conversation by observing that if he and his wife were having any troubles raising their grandson , that the officials could help arrange for their grandson to be taken to the orphanage , and the orphanage would help raise him . " If your grandson goes into the orphanage , " they were promised , " he will get a good education and get a good job . " Jonathan would later tell us that it wasn 't until 2009 , just before he was adopted to the United States , that his grandparents learned that he would be leaving Luoyang . At no point during the " pitch " did the Civil Affairs officials notify him or his grandparents that he would be leaving China , and when his birth family learned of that fact two years later , they were extremely worried and upset . Jonathan 's story is consistent with others from Luoyang . " Kate " adopted her daughter from Luoyang in 2010 , along with a deaf child from the Beijing orphanage . Kate 's Luoyang daughter also opened up and revealed that her birth family had also been approached by officials who discussed relinquishing her . Two days before Kate finalized the adoption , and when Kate was already in the Province to finalize her adoption , the Luoyang orphanage still did not have the relinquishment paperwork signed by the birth family . To increase the pressure on the grandmother to sign the required paperwork , the orphanage took Kate 's daughter on a two - hour drive to her grandmother 's house . The orphanage needed the grandmother to sign papers relinquishing her grand - daughter so that the adoption could be finalized . With Kate in the area , time was running out . As Kate 's Luoyang daughter told her the story , Kate felt a familiar sense of outrage , for her Beijing daughter had also told her that she had been brought to that orphanage as a six - year old under similar pretenses . Kate 's Beijing daughter was sent to a Beijing school for the deaf , which she attended during the week . Since there were no classes held on the weekend , Kate 's daughter stayed in the Beijing # 2 orphanage on the weekend . Kate 's daughter recounted how her parents would frequently visit her , bringing her treats as she went to school in the Beijing school . She would return home for Chinese New Years , but otherwise remained at the orphanage for most of the year . She had lived two hours outside Beijing , in a rural farming community . One day , without any warning or preparation , Kate 's Beijing daughter was adopted by Kate , leaving her family to wonder what ever happened to their daughter . The Beijing # 2 orphanage apparently also raised Kate 's daughter 's age from eleven to nearly fourteen in order to take advantage of the speed with which " aging out " children are adopted by Western families . WACAP has frequently told adoptive families concerned with hearing such stories from their children that kids often fantasize about their birth families , supposedly unable to understand why they were " abandoned " . But Luoyang 's recruitment program was witnessed first - hand by Michael Melsi , a twenty - something American who started volunteering in the Luoyang orphanage in 2006 as an English language instructor . Michael spent most of his time in the Luoyang orphanage on the fourth and six floors of the orphanage , among the teenagers in Luoyang 's " Special Focus " program . There , he befriended most of the children waiting to be adopted from the waiting child lists of WACAP , CCAI , and other agencies . That point was driven home during Spring Festival 2009 . Michael assumed this would be a sad time for the kids in the orphanage , so he arranged to bring the kids some treats and activities to help celebrate the Chinese " Christmas " . When he arrived at the orphanage , he found that very few of the older kids ( older than 6 ) were there . Michael wondered where they all had gone , and asked the orphanage staff where the kids had disappeared to . At first he was told the children had been sent to spend the festival with area families , who had volunteered to help give the kids a bit of " normal lives " . That did not sound right to Michael , so he pushed further , and was eventually told that the kids had gone home to their extended birth families ( aunts , uncles , grandparents ) to spend the holidays with them . When WACAP formed the " Journey of Hope " program in 2008 , Michael noticed that some of the older kids were being sent out of the orphanage and disappearing . When he asked the orphanage staff and other children about this , he was told that those kids had " selfish relatives " who were refusing to allow the adoption of their kids who they were unwilling to care for . Thus , the kids were being forced to leave the orphanage . Michael researched where some of his " kids " had ended up , and found that they had returned to their birth families . It soon became apparent in several cases that women who were initially said to be " aunts " were actually the children 's birth mothers . When Michael asked the birth families why their kids had ended up in the Luoyang orphanage , they reluctantly told him that they had understood that the orphanage would provide for the expenses of raising their children . Furthermore , the birth parents felt it would offer their children the opportunity to get a better education and live in the city , which they believed would provide the children with a better life in the future . When the orphanage began to pressure them to sign documents relinquishing parental rights to their own children , they had refused . Michael became increasingly concerned with what he was seeing in the Luoyang orphanage , and contacted several adoptive families to inform them of the situation . He also decided to contact WACAP directly , and outlined many of his findings and concerns . Within two days , Michael was contacted by the orphanage and informed that he would not be permitted to return to the orphanage , with officials citing concerns that he was a carrier of swine flu . WACAP has had a long history with the Luoyang orphanage , going back to the early 1990s when the agencies head , Janice Neilson , formed a mutually beneficial relationship with the orphanage director , Pei Zhong Hai . Over the course of the next seventeen years , WACAP arranged funding for the Luoyang orphanage , and Pei provided children for adoption . So it was that WACAP contacted " Debbie " , the adoptive mother of one of the " Journey of Hope " girls , and asked if they would be agreeable to a visit by their daughter 's biological Uncle in their home . Of course this came as a huge shock to Debbie and her husband , who could not understand how the people described in their daughter 's adoption paperwork as being too poor to care for their daughter were now suddenly able to afford to fly to the U . S . and tour around with their daughter 's orphanage director . They were angry , confused and very frustrated as the realization came to them that they had been deceived by the orphanage to begin with . They informed WACAP that they felt very uncomfortable with the situation , and WACAP informed Director Pei that Debbie and the other families were not welcoming of his proposal . Debbie realizes now that she should have noticed the red - flags surrounding the " aging out " kids earlier , but chose to ignore what she described as disquieting clues . " All the them had the same stories , " she remembers . And indeed , a perusal of WACAP 's 2009 " Journey of Hope " listing bears this out : " WCL , Contest winner and artist . Healthy 12 year old boy . . . . He has been at the orphanage for over three years . He remembers nothing about his birth parents or where he lived before the orphanage . " " XL . Violinist . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " " HL . Athlete . Healthy 12 year - old boy . . . When asked about his memories before he arrived at the orphanage he said he has no memories before that time . " " GBL , Basketball player and jogger . Healthy 12 year old girl . . . . She has no memory of her birth family . " YHL , Performer , Healthy 12 year - old girl . . . . When asked about her birth parents , she said she does not remember anything . " When asked about these children , Jonathan admits that he is aware of several who know full well who their birth families are , and some of them were among the kids admonishing him to remain quiet . He recounts how in March 2007 , the orphanage sent the van to pick him and the other children recruited by the Luoning County Civil Affairs Bureau up . On the day of the " pick up " , all of the families were notified to bring their kids to the county Civil Affairs Bureau , where the the orphanage van waited . On the morning Jonathan was picked up , he was accompanied by ten or eleven other children , ranging in ages from a few months to over seventeen years old , mostly boys . All were allowed to say goodbye to their birth families before being loaded into the orphanage van and taken away to what most , if not all , felt was an orphanage education school . In January 2011 , the CCAA commended the Luoyang orphanage , describing them as a " Model Welfare Institute for International adoption in 2010 " , the year that Jonathan and his friends were adopted abroad . The Luoyang orphanage director boasted that " There is no trifling with international adoptions . The leaders of the Civil Affairs Bureau and the officers of our orphanage have attached great importance to the working of international adoption , from the preparation of the finding ads to the adoption paper work , to when the kids are sent into the arms of adoptive families , including the adoptive families returning back to visit the orphanage . All of these works were overseen by the director , with very carefully attention , and well done by following the rules step by step . This ensures that there was no mistake of any of those kids sent for international adoption . It also brought a new world for the growth of those kids . " Sue and the other families would disagree . While some of the families have been informed by their adoptive children of the truth behind their adoptions , many of the other children still urge Jonathan to remain quiet . " Don 't tell ! We were told we can never tell . " Thus , there is little doubt that many families of Luoyang 's " orphans " don 't realize that their child , along with their birth family , really expect that this is simply a " study abroad " program . Already , stories of adoption disruptions and turmoil are being recounted as the children grow frustrated that they are not being given the material gifts that they had been promised . Unfortunately , Luoyang 's program is in no way unique , as many orphanages across China have seen similar spikes in " aging out " children needing to be adopted . The issues go beyond simply raising a child under false pretenses . Once an adoption , even one performed under false premises , is completed , the child becomes a legal beneficiary of the adoptive parents estate , for example . Then there are the issues surrounding the true nature of the relationship between these children and their adoptive families . As Sue recounted , she could see the stress of lying on her son 's face as he repeatedly covered up the truth from her probing questions . One day , he just got tired of lying . " People who adopt these aging out kids need to go into this knowing full well that it is very possible that this child is significantly older , already aged out , it is very possible that their birth dates were changed , it is very possible that they have birth family still there and that there is more to the story . It is not just the cut - and - dry ' this orphan needs a home . ' You need to be sensitive to the question of whether an industry is being created by these aging out kids that you are feeding into when really they don 't need to be coming here . " Excellent and insightful piece , Brian . As the mother of a daughter who was " aging out , " I can share that everything about her records was false . The ongoing problem is that since she was so conditioned to lie by the orphanage staff , she lies chronically now - to teachers , family , and friends - and has a very distorted perception of what truth is . She has way more going on than " typical " attachment issues , and it has completely turned our world upside down . I 've heard the same from 4 other parents of older adoptees . I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . Thank you Brian for giving us some validation that we are not bad parents , but that we have adopted severely damaged children . Wow Brian , excellent and very revealing blog post ! I hope people can start to see the very obvious clues in front of them . All of these kids who have no memory of their past ? ? What agency could miss this ? ! Did they intentionally just look the other way or were they the ones who actually made up this story on paper and guided the kids into such a twisted future of lies . Mostly this would be an immigration scandal and should be reported to the USCIS . As one of the families interviewed for this article , I struggle with " where to go from here " . I get easily angry over the fact that my two older adopted children were part of this " ring " and as they have unfairly and harshly faced the struggles of a new family , new culture , new EVERYTHING ( not to mention the difficulty it has put our family thru ) , I shudder to think that had there not been corruption and greed in Luoyang , my kids would likely never have ended up in the orphanage and would most likely be living their lives happily in the only families they knew in China . But instead , I am forced to deal with the brokenness this has caused them . I am MOST angry over the fact that WACAP was told about much of this beforehand . . . and completely chose to ignore it . We may not ever be able to correct the corruption in China , but it saddens me deeply that we don 't have more integrity here . But I hold tightly to : " And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him . . . " Romans 8 : 28Excellent article , Brian . Thank you , " Debbie " Wow . Wondering how the US state dept . will deal with this reality . Are these adoption really legal , given the false info at so many points in the process ? As someone who lives with the reality of all of this every day , thank you for bringing this to light . I cannot begin to say how complicated this whole issue is . As hard as it is , I am thankful that our son " Jonathan " was brave enough to tell the truth . I hope by bringing it to light that positive changes can be made , families will know they aren 't alone and anyone who is considering an older child will go into it with eyes wide open . Sue We live in a country that does not permit adoption of children who are this old . Although we are not adopting again ( we have one daughter adopted nearly 5 years ago at nearly three ) , we went through a lot of trauma with attachment , anger , grief in our family with a little girl who was considered in Australia an older child , and hence more likely to have ' special needs ' due to the long period she spent in an institution . I have learnt so much more about China and adoption since then , and the complex issues that we face as the parents of children from China . It is outrageous that this is happening , I send you families my best wishes . In an effort to win over the respect of the Russian government and continue to access adoptions with Russia , WACAP was successful in suing Torry Hansen for returning her 7 year old adopted son . Hansen now will be forced to pay child support for the child she felt was misresented . http : / / www . t - g . com / story / 1823717 . htmlIronic isn 't this ? WACAP wins the suit against Hansen who felt victimized and yet now we hear more people claiming they are raising kids who have been misrepresented by WACAP ! If I spent over 20 , 000 dollars to adopt a near - adult or to adopt a child who already had a family in what appears an immigration or education scheme , I would be suing WACAP . All of the victims of misrepresentation should sue , including the children who are the most victimized in these stories . The Chinese families should also understand what actually happened to their kids and they too should sue . Agencies should be held to the highest standards of the law . There is enough evidence to prove that WACAP was very close with this orphanage and very much aware of where kids were coming from . WACAP purchased a large vehicle for Louyang orphanage . Was this the white van that the kids recall being the vehicle that took them from their families ? Brian , I hope you connect the many victims of this case . Power comes with numbers ! ! I hope you are also aware that you may be the next target for WACAP . Anyone who dares to expose truth may be slapped with a lawsuit of some sort by them . That is how they keep people afraid and keep business flowing ! ! The gold standard has corroded under Brian 's astute observations over all these years . The Chinese Government does as it likes . DOS / USCIS has no authority to make China Hague Compliant or un - corrupt . USG options are to close the program or not . A very drastic and unpopular action that would create a political nightmare for them . APs options are to sue agency and / or file complaints with agency and Hague complaint Process and complain directly to CCCWA . Given delicate US / China diplomacy . how likely is it DOS is going to turn this into an issue any time soon ? Best to avoid these programs with " generalized family amnesia " on the part of older children . Sad , but as usual , greed and corruption will be tolerated so long as APs keep stepping up despite warnings . Wow and Wow ! As an adoptive parent four times I find complete comfort in knowing people like Brian are out there trying to shed light on " dark " issues indeed ! This is horrible in every sense for every person involved . Thank you for the courage these families had in sharing their stories - it will undoubtedly help some other young children sleep easier tonight if they are able to unload this huge burden . Julie First let me say how horrible this must be for the involved families . We cling to any information that we get about our children when we are adopting and it would be awful to find out that we had been lied to , and that when adopting a child , it was totally a different true story than what we were given as the reason for this child needing a family . I really hope that people can be aware of yet another possibility of things to consider . However , as the mom of a child adopted from China one day before her 14th birthday , I don 't believe that all children who are submitted come with stories such as these . I don 't believe that older child adoption is easy for the family or the child , but I do believe that good can come of it . My daughter will have some struggles , but is actually doing quite well , and she is receiving medical care that was very much needed and wouldn 't have been received in China . It will truly make a huge difference for her in her life . I am very glad you wrote this article . I found it very insightful and interesting to say the least . That being said what you write about here is NOT the case for everyone . We have two adopted boys . One adopted at 7 and the older adopted through WACAP at 10 . 5 . I can tell you that both of my boys are fine . They have attached well and we have no reason not to believe what they share with us . Our adoption of our son Jack through WACAP was a great experience . They were very up front with us . We knew of all his SN before he came home and he is the light of our lives . I am so very sad for the families that have had bad experiences with older child adoptions , but as a parent of not one but two Older adoptions I am a huge advocate for these kids . I would really like to know the ratio of people who have issues and those who don 't . I don 't know if you have those stats or not , but I think you would find that these issues you write about ( which I acknowledge are serious heart breaking issues ) are not the norm . I can also accept that fact that parents who are going through these situations don 't care if it is the norm , because it has taken over their lives . I feel for those families I really do . As a vet in the adoption world I know that very bad things can happen . I have seen little babies adopted at 6 months grow to have severe RAD and older kids never have an issue . Each child and their situation is unique and I think that is the one thing you forgot to mention . It is always dangerous to make broad sweeping statements as it can cause people who could make a wonder family for an older child walk away when there is not always a reason too . Just as one of your commenters said " I would never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " This statement breaks my heart . Because older kids need families too . But thanks for sharing . Thanks for sharing and digging into this " dark side " of older adoptions . It 's obviously very important for PAP 's to have as much research as possible to make their own decision on adoption and I feel bad for the AP 's that have been deceived . However , let 's not forget this may be the exception and that there are still many older children , who are truly orphaned and abandoned , hoping for a forever family . We adopted a 12 - year - old SN girl from the Shanghai " Journey of Hope " camp in 2010 and know several other families who also adopted older kids from the same camp and there is no indication or warning flags of deception in those children 's history . I too was taken shaken by one of the commenters that said they would " never , ever recommend adopting an older child , under any circumstance . " It 's the deceptive orphanages and agencies involved that should be punished and vetted , not the kids waiting . I truly wish this report doesn 't influence a family in the process of an older adoption to drop out and leave a waiting child with no hope for the future . I wonder if some of these children should not be returned to China to be with their biological families ? I know it is complicated but if they have known birth families and have spent the majority of their lives in China and are having great difficulty adjusting to the adoptive families maybe this should be on the table as an option . I fully understand it is not easy as they had to give up Chinese citizenship to become US citizens . I think the point is that international adoption demand is driving the illicit supply . Just as in other well - documented programs such as Columbia , Peru , and Ethiopia , " orphans " are being manufactured to supply the demand . The mega $ $ $ spent in these countries by Americans is very good incentive . This has to stop . It 's unethical . If China can 't police itself at least we can spread the word about these types of problems . Kudos to the brave families making this public . I volunteered at a CWI in China from 2007 - 2010 . During that time , I was aware of many corruptions within the CWI , including but not limited to the adoption practices . I was horrified by the article and yet not surprised . I was in contact with many adopting parents before they would come to get their child . More than once , I was contacted by the soon - to - be - arriving parents of some of the older kids . These parents thought the girls they were adopting were 12 or 13 years old . They would ask for more info or photos about their child . I knew the girls . I knew them and knew that they biked to the high school nearby every day . I knew that they were 17 and 18 year old girls . I knew that they were old enough that they had boyfriends . I struggled about what to do in those situations . I couldn 't share my real thoughts with the families or I would be kicked out of the orphanage . I was not willing to risk the work of all of the foreign volunteers in my city . I was also afraid that the adopting families wouldn 't believe me . I think a lot of adopting families have rose - colored glasses and don 't want to believe that any corruption issues will affect their child . They might even go so far as to admit that corruption is widespread , but that " their " child is somehow magically unaffected by it , if that makes sense . I was sick to my stomach over it at the time . I do believe I failed those parents in the end , because I had a duty to tell them what I knew . But at the same time , how could I damage the ongoing long - term work with kids in the orphanage there ? It makes me ill to think about it . I almost can 't look at charities in China now , because the corruption I saw there was so overwhelming . My friends and I raised money for a heart surgery for a little boy and the director was thrilled - not because a boy would have life - saving surgery , but because the funds the government had allocated for that surgery could now be used to upgrade her to a better car ! They 'd had the money all along . We were completely misled and many of us sacrificed our ow4 / 07 / 2012 3 : 25 PM As the adoptive mother to a SN girl adopted in 2008 from Luoyang at putative age 7 , I am quite positive that everything in her file was falsified . I was not surprised to find her age off by at least 1 year , probably more like 2 . She does have a significant SN ( which is immediately obvious and the only thing not falsified in her file ) that she probably never received medical attention for in China . I do know that she has received many more educational and medical opportunities than would have been possible in China , due to her SN . I now wonder if there was more to the story of abandonment as a toddler than even I guessed . Thank you Brian for these kind of articles . Brian , can you share where your statistics come from ? Some are doubting the story , because of the poor availability of accurate numbers about the orphan population . They site a study from 2006 that is the only one done at this point on the orphan population in China . In my opinion , its very difficult for any correct stats to come out of china . Foe example , most babies don 't exist until the orphanage gets them paper ready for adoption . This means they are then issued a hukou ( birth card ) before this they are considered " black children " . Even after finding our daughter , fostering her , getting her registered at the orphanage . It took over 2 years after her adoption to get her hukou cancelled , in order to get her a visa to return to china under us as employees . We were allowed to get her a tourist visa and leave china every 90 days . 14 years ago , when I just began to realize the true enormity of ourcorrupted adoption , I went online with dial - up and on alt . adoption and Guatemala - adopt and some other places , and naively issued a warning that adoption was merely a mask for legalized baby buying and selling . Well , imagine how that went over with waiting PAPs and new APs and how many new friends I made ! I naively called on the ethical members of the adoption industry to police itself and weed out the criminal profiteersinhabiting its underbelly , lest the corruption spread like a cancer . I might not have been the first Anti - Adoption Strawman , but I was sure made to feel like I was . How dare I suggest anyone 's adoption was motivated by anything other than the best interests of children ? How dare I taint anyone 's adoption with thoughts of buying , selling , trafficking and profiteering ? How dare I suggest that those who were involved with the procurement and placement of children were anything less than caring and ethical people ? How would I explain my words to myown adopted daughter as she grew up , even though she asked at one point , on her own , if we picked her out like we picked out a dog at the local Humane Society ? Did I want her to think she was bought and sold ? Didn 't I know that the children we were all adopting would be facing a life of dire poverty , hunger , no education , no opportunity , no medical care , possible life on the streets as prostitutes and drug addicts or worse , if it were not for us adopters and those wonderful people that helped these children join our families ? Didn 't I realize that despite the total lack of financial transparency , that the monies we all paid were legitimate fees for services ? I recall posts on Guatemala - adopt , from agency people , that tried to explain and itemize how fees were spent , but never saw a single receipt . 14 years later , what have we learned ? We have learned that corruption , not reformers , is what is responsible for the closing of adoptions . The list of countries that have closed grows all the time . I 4 / 16 / 2012 5 : 08 AM This is fascinating - - depressing - - and ultimately not surprising . I did a bit of research on Michael Melsi , who exposed what was happening at Luoyang . He started a foundation for orphans which was summarily closed without explanation in 2009 - - probably after the events described by Brian . ( All of which validates Brian 's narrative ) My former agency , CCAI , now has its own charity for older children in orphanages - Luoyang among them . H . m . m . . this is the same CCAI that swore to my face that my infant daughter from Guilin was normal and healthy - - the same one who would not look anyone in the face - - the same one who , 16 years later , has proven to have asperger 's . I love her , but I was deceived . I have since seen - - and Dr . Changfu Chang 's presentation confirmed this ( see notes elsewhere on Brian 's blog ) that many on the Chinese adoption side view literal facts as irrelevant to the larger cause of getting a child adopted by an American . Whether this is motivated by some ultimate form of altruism is anyone 's guess . But when the adoption fee , paid in cash , is several times more than what an orphanage director might earn in a year , and governmental authorities are not looking , the opportunities are ripe for corruption by anyone and everyone . My younger daughter , from Shaoyang Hunan , seems to have been sandwiched in between two cycles of baby selling there , from what I can tell . Susan M ( New Jersey ) Nearly all adoptions from Luoyang come out of CCAI these days . I think WACAP 's association with them is pretty limited now as its all been moved to CCAI . I wonder if CCAI would have anything to say about this stuff . In response to Susan 's post , I do know several Henan orphanages who have waived the 30 , 000 donation fee for some hard pressed families . Is this the norm ? No ! But I have seen it happen . Plus , I read that orphanages in one southern province in a particular orphanage were waiving all donation fees on all children . Interesting ! ! ! At least some people in director positions are making a difference . Pam in Henanhttp : / / www . swallowsnestzz . org We adopted our daughter , Bridget , through a Journey of Hope program 22 months ago . She was listed as an " aging out " teenager who wanted to be adopted and go to America . The truth was , she knew nothing of America , really wanted a Chinese family , and still isn 't sure if she wants to be here . She told a Chinese - speaking friend that someone in China told her to " never tell them ( us ) the truth " and to " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . Needless to say , we 're WORRIED . We adopted our daughter , Bridget , from Guangzhou SWI 22 months ago through a Journey of Hope program . We fell for the story of an " aging out " teen who really wanted to be adopted and go to America . It didn 't take long to figure out that was not true ! She did not know where the US was , and used to ask every Chinese American person she met if she could live with them . She told a Chinese - speaking friend of ours that someone in China told her to " not tell them ( us ) the truth about anything " , and " be nice to them ( us ) so they 'll send you to college , then come back to China " . In lieu of this story that Brian has uncovered , we are VERY concerned . I found your site today through a link to the court case with Ms . Hansen who sent her adopted boy back to Russia . As for China adoptions of aging out children , please - - listen to those of you still not wanting to believe . Our adoption did not materialize while we were in China . The losses ? Not bringing a child into our family , money , and time - - lots of time that we can not recover . But we are at peace because we followed our intuition and believe this " 14 - year old " is exactly where she is destined to be . . . . with her foster family who raised her . Today , reading your blog simply was like reading about our experience , except that the adoption did not go through . We could not ethically ( and this is no slight to those who did adopt ) go through with something this young woman did not want . Things unravelled very quickly in China . She cried and resisted us the whole time . To her credit she knew two words of English : ' No " and " Merica " ( America ) . She frantically tried to communicate with us . We patiently let things play out before our adoption finalization . She shared with us photo albums , and letters from her foster family . We soon learned this was a child that was sent to the orphanage in the same plan as you describe with the other families : to promise her foster family that she would live in the U . S . as an exchange student , to return four years later with an education and promise of a good job to support them . People , I know your hearts are in a good place , as was ours . Please look at this rationally and believe that this is happening . Do whatever you can to find out the truth if this still isn 't enough for you . Lastly , I would like to use our failed adoption to making sweeping changes in this industry and with the USCIS . How can we get started ? If not for your blog we would have sat silently in our loss . Let 's use social media for positive change . Too many people are being deceived ( the child , the foster / relative families , the adoptive families ) . The word must get out that there 's been deception . Dear Anonymous : Thank you so much for speaking out . Families have been quiet for too long , silenced by the many voices calling for secrecy . Please consider contacting me directly so that we can discuss your experiences in more detail . BrianStuy @ Research - China . OrgAll the best ! Brian Yes , this can happen . Unfortunately , there are orphans in China who need homes . For them , it makes me sad that anything like this can occur . But your facts are not correct regarding the Special Focus Program . The shared list program did not even begin until 2008 and the special focus program started at the end of 2010 . So there is no way a volunteer was with Special focus children in 2006 . 10 / 08 / 2012 8 : 58 PM We are just starting to begin a 2nd adoption of a SN boy . Our daughter was adopted in 2005 from Gaoyou . I now understand that most likely hers was an adoption that was likely " manufactured " . I have a whole world of concerns about that and how I will someday have a conversation with her about that aspect of her adoption . The stats that I have read through Brian 's blog made my heart cold . And though my daughter is my life . . . I wonder who else 's life she might have been / might be . . . sad in many many waysSo , a SN boy on the " special focus list " . . . should we proceed ? IS this a list that might have integrity ? thanks Can someone point me in the direction of information about children who really do age out . . What happens to them ? Where do they go ? Do children with SN age out ? Thank you My husband and I adopted our daughter from Shaoyang CWI in 1999 . China documented that she was 1 year old , though our pediatrician listed her as an " underdeveloped 2 year old . " Now , at age 16 , our home has been turned upside - down by our daughter 's possible onset of bipolar , Asperger 's , altered reality , and reactive attachment disorder . When China assigns children as SN , be very careful , because what lies under the surface may not come into the light until years later . We love our daughter . We 've loved her the minute we started the adoption process . But no one could have prepared us for the rollercoaster ride of multiple hospitalizations and unpredictable behaviors that our family ( also 3 bio daughters ) have lived through trying to convince our China daughter that she is loved , wanted , and worth the world to us . If you are a waiting parent or a family investigating the prospect of international adoption , be very careful . Make sure that you have the resources to adopt . Not just money , or a roomy house , or a team of supportive family members . Make sure you have resources like patience , thick skin , unwavering love , and no expectations about the future of your dear child in the US . China , for reasons I don 't understand , often fabricates information about their orphans . Be very careful . My family had a similar experience with my brother who was adopted from China at the age of 3 . He is now 13 years old and experiencing reactive attachment disorder , mood swings , fits of rage , and multiple hospitalizations . He was listed a special - needs for a heart condition , but obviously there was something more going on too . I have two sisters who were also adopted from China at younger ages who are doing fine , it 's just luck of the draw I suppose . Like biological children . My mom is set to go back soon for a 13 - year - old that is aging out . I just pray she is truly in need and not one of these scam adoptions . My family can 't handle that right now