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Category : The Melting Pot Posted on Tuesday , July 15 , 2014 Written by Laura McCandrew When last I wrote ( journey back to preschool ) , Monkey Boy had made it through two years plus a few weeks of Special Education Preschool . Originally , his IEP was supposed to carry him through kindergarten . However , the changing laws had other plans . I can 't remember the reasoning , and maybe it 's because I didn 't totally understand it at the time , but it had to do with the fact that they changed the cutoff age for the diagnosis of Developmental Delay from age six to age five . I also think it had something to do with the timing of when the law was passed versus his eligibility meeting . If the meeting came before the change , he 'd have an extra year . His teacher was really hoping the law would pass later rather than sooner . Unfortunately that wasn 't the case . Fifth Birthday His eligibility meeting wound up being scheduled after the law was passed , and because he had done so well ( he was only about six months behind at the time ) and had no other diagnoses , he lost his IEP . I don 't really understand why Developmental Delay has an age cutoff because it 's not like it just goes away . Monkey Boy learns things when his brain is ready to learn them , not before , but once it " clicks " , he pretty much has it . The first thing I remember him learning like that was colors . I thought he would never grasp the concept , and then one day , he knew them all . It 's been the same way with letters , numbers , reading , math facts , etc . It 's one of the things that make school so frustrating for both of us to this day . First Day of Kindergarten 2009So , off he went to kindergarten in the fall of 2009 . I had talked to the principal the summer prior , and she was supportive of my concerns . I 'm not sure what I expected , but he acclimated to kindergarten fairly well . His preschool had been in a different public school , so there were times on and off throughout the year where he expressed his dislike of the change . But , otherwise , he did fairly well and was still only about six months behind his peer group in the spring of 2010 . His teacher was very supportive throughout the entire year , and they had SST ( Student Support Team ) meetings periodically to see how best to help him . The biggest concern that year was his focus and attention , and his teacher implemented several strategies to help him . We all agreed that he had done well enough to move onto first grade . ( To backtrack a moment , when preschool was ending , I did consider sending him to a private preschool for one more year before sending him on to kindergarten . Having a late May birthday meant he was on the young side of the entering class , and I had held Master Yi - Yi back from kindergarten for that very reason , so I had always thought I 'd do the same thing with Monkey Boy . But , I didn 't really want to remove him from the public school setting , since he had done so well , so I just figured I could hold him back from kindergarten or first grade if necessary ) . My concerns were still fairly minimal that summer after kindergarten . The older he gets , the more the gap between Monkey Boy and many ( but definitely not all ) of his peers widens . I don 't think it 's totally atypical to have that discrepancy within an age group , but I am very much aware of every nuance that seems " different , " and I hate to see him slipping closer to the bottom . Worst of all , he is now aware of the differences , constantly refers to himself as stupid , and just wants to give up . But back then , we were still in the " happy " phase where he tried so hard and was so proud of his accomplishments . He was chosen to go to summer school , but we had already had a trip planned to Disney World that overlapped two of the three weeks . If I had known way in advance , I would have changed the dates , but we 'd had the reservations for a year and had multiple family units joining us . It 's unfortunate because looking back ; I think summer school would have been very beneficial . That was also the summer when the " bug phobia " started . In hindsight , I wish I 'd given more thought to his apparent lack of stamina . I don 't think anyone thought much of it because his muscles themselves were relatively strong . I still have trouble wrapping my brain around the differences between muscle strength and tone . He has low muscle tone , but doesn 't appear to have weakened muscles . Even though he turned six that summer , he still needed a stroller for Disney World ( I bought one that went up to 65 pounds ) , and he continued to use a stroller at Kings Dominion for two more years . It seems like something should have tipped me off . Because now that I 've been introduced to the concept of Retained Primitive Reflexes , and I 've had that " aha " moment , so much more makes sense . In the fall of 2010 , he entered first grade . Little did I know at the time , how much I should savor that year , as it was one of his last " good " years in school to date … User Rating : 5 / 5 Monkey Boy Meets the School Bus Category : The Melting Pot Posted on Sunday , June 29 , 2014 Written by Laura McCandrew We ended my last post with Monkey Boy still not talking . He turned two in May of 2006 and by September still wasn 't saying much , nor was he putting any words together . I followed the pediatrician 's advice and called to inquire about an evaluation for speech therapy , and he was found eligible . At this point , other than speech , he appeared to be a fairly typical two - year - old , and I figured therapy would get him talking and that would be that . I even went ahead and registered him for a local preschool . I 'd love to be that optimistic again . And I would strongly urge any parent who currently has concerns about their child 's speech to seek help sooner rather than later . Summer 2006 So , in November of that year , we started speech therapy . Unfortunately , he hid on my lap , threw tantrums and would only interact with the therapist on a limited basis . It was hard to believe that this was the same child who would smile and go to anyone as a baby just a year earlier . By March , he had only made very limited progress . The therapist suggested discontinuing speech therapy , and instead she would serve as a service coordinator . One thing that had become obvious during this time was that he definitely had some sensory processing difficulties as well as language delays . It has taken me eight more years to have some better insight into these problems . To this day , he still craves deep pressure , yet can 't tolerate a weighted blanket . He also developed a strong aversion to clothes and loud noises ( his reaction to being startled was to hit me ) . At that time , he was said to have an immature vestibular system and hypotonia . Put simply , he had balance issues and low muscle tone . I really wish I had paid more attention to this back then because I 've just found out recently how much it can affect learning . I will get to this in more detail in future posts , but Monkey Boy was recently found to have Retained Primitive Reflexes , which can help explain many developmental delays . This is something else parents might want to explore . Back then , there was a lot I still didn 't know . First Day of Two Year Old PreschoolIn the spring of 2007 , I tried Monkey Boy in Toddlin ' Time . My older two kids had loved it , and I was excited to go back . At first , it wasn 't too bad . He was hesitant at first , but then would play , until the fourth session , when reasons still unbeknownst to me sent him into a total meltdown . He was also being evaluated by Child Find to see if he was eligible for Special Education services through Stafford County . I never even knew this existed for children as young as two and in hindsight should have started much earlier . He was found to have fairly severe delays in things like communication developWhat I do find amazing , looking back , is that during this time , I took him to a very crowded school picnic , where his big brother , Master Yi - Yi , was in first grade , and he was fine . He was able to part from me , interacted with the kids , played on the equipment , and behaved in a totally appropriate manner . It 's these completely " normal " moments that still baffle me . Monkey Boy continued into the three year old class in the fall and then the four year old class the next year , and his progress was immense . Since it was held within a public school , he learned to ride the bus and buy his lunch in the cafeteria . He started speaking in five word sentences , learned his colors , letters and numbers , interacted with the teachers and his classmates , and made sure everyone in the class behaved in a safe manner . Because it was a special education classroom , he was able to work with the PT , OT and speech therapist in a group setting . His teachers made bimonthly home visits , and he actually came to enjoy them . I do not know where we would have ended up without this intervention , and I can 't praise it enough . Category : The Melting Pot Posted on Friday , June 13 , 2014 Written by Laura McCandrew When we left off in The Journey Begins Part I , we were nearing the end of that first mostly idyllic year with Monkey Boy . During the course of his second year , I don 't remember a lot of specific details , but a few things stick out . There was a trip to Ohio for my great aunt 's 90th birthday right before he turned one where he got yet another respiratory infection , his first birthday when he screamed after getting his hands and face smeared with cake , Monkey Boy 's First Birthdayand a trip to Disney World shortly after he turned one where he devoured serving upon serving of fried rice . I also remember that I had expected him to be walking by then and had this idealistic image of him sitting happily on my lap enjoying all of the age - appropriate rides . In reality , not only was he not walking , he was barely standing , so he had to be held , A LOT , and rather than sitting on my lap , he often wanted to " stand " on my lap facing backwards . Disney World And that 's when I first began to realize that he wasn 't so easy anymore . Other memories from that second year include Monkey Boy taking his first steps around 15 months while friends were visiting and another round of illnesses as we were trying to move to a new house , two weeks before Christmas . When he would eat , he would stuff his mouth too full and wind up spitting out a lot of food . He also got physically sick from the smell of a petting zoo and the fish aisle of the grocery store . This is also when Monkey Boy started screaming uncontrollably during his haircuts , made worse by all the hair sticking to his wet cheeks and mouth . Now mind you , he smiled happily through his first one . He developed a debilitating fear of strangers to include family member he saw infrequently , but the strange thing was that he was less fearful of men . Things really began going downhill in the spring before he turned two . I had been babysitting a little girl , who was six months older than him , since the previous year , and it had gone remarkably well , but that spring , it became more difficult . I can 't remember exactly why , but based on writings in his baby book , that 's when the whining started . He wasn 't really talking at all , but he would grab my arm to make me follow him and gesture and point to things he wanted , but he became extremely agitated if I didn 't understand him . That is also when the tantrums began . By the age of two , his favorite toys were cars and trucks and the only real word he used repetitively was " bus " . At this point , I wasn 't overly concerned and just expected his talking to begin at any time . After all , I heard all kinds of stories about kids who didn 't start talking until three or four , and then just started speaking in complete sentences . Only that never happened with Monkey Boy . The summer after he turned two , the pediatrician told me that if he really wasn 't saying anything by fall , to consult with a speech therapist . And while " real " speech was delayed , he could hold an entire conversation , complete with pauses and inflections , using gibberish . And I really think he thought that he was talking . That gibberish was intermingled with his speech for years . I was actually kind of sad when it disappeared completely . Category : The Melting Pot Posted on Wednesday , June 04 , 2014 Written by Laura McCandrew I 've decided to delve more into the idiosyncrasies of my youngest child , Monkey Boy , because he 's been on my mind a lot lately . Maybe because he just turned 10 , and it 's hard to fathom he 's an entire decade old ; a decade in which I have spent hours upon hours trying to get to the bottom of exactly what is wrong with him . He was a near perfect baby . And I don 't say that to gloat , I just had the nightmare baby to compare him to . You know the one who slept for 30 minutes at a time with two to three hours of screaming in between , day and night , for two months . And I also say this because I 'm still trying to figure out what went wrong a year and a half later when the easy baby turned into the high maintenance baby and from there the very high maintenance kid . We will get to all the diagnoses he 's been given over the years eventually . I mention them here simply because I keep reading about them over and over again ( I 'm obsessive that way ) , and almost all of them say the signs start with a fussy baby . Anyway , the first six months of Monkey Boy 's life were relatively idyllic . My six year old and three year old were enamored with their brother . Monkey Boy was born three weeks early , and other than being really sleepy , there didn 't seem to be any ill effects . He slept for hours at a time , was content to sit in his seat and peruse the world around him , barely cried at all , and I could take him ANYWHERE secure in the knowledge that there would be no meltdown ( what I wouldn 't give to have that now ! ) . The only sign of any type of problem were delays in his physical milestones that first year . And even these were still in the realm of normal , just slower than his siblings had been . Then he hit six months , and while his temperament was still good , his health was not . He had his first cold , and then seemingly recovered . A couple days later things just didn 't seem right , and he developed a fever , so I made an appointmentAnd as typical of all his diagnoses , asthma didn 't quite fit , so reactive airway disease was the official term . Little did I know that this was just the beginning of a tumultuous journey ( continue with the journey ) … Category : The Melting Pot Posted on Friday , May 23 , 2014 Written by Laura McCandrew Master Yi - YiSo , I 've decided to try my hand at blogging . It 's one of those things I keep saying that I want to do , and five years later still haven 't done . So , when I heard that Fred Parent was looking for some new bloggers , I thought " Here 's my chance " and jumped on it . I spent the day wracking my brain for ideas , only to think that I 'm already not good at this , and I haven 't even started . And then I picked up my youngest ( from here on dubbed Monkey Boy ) from school and became inspired by his comments . As we were making our way to the parking lot , Monkey Boy said something about my children . I told him , " Well , you are my child , " to which he replied " No , I 'm adopted . " Mind you , he isn 't adopted . Based on our conversation , I decided that my first post would be about donor eggs because without them , my life would be totally different . But for that , we need to go back a little bit . I am a carrier for Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy . I have known this most of my life . My brother passed away from heart complications of DMD at the age of 30 on July 4 , 2002 . I knew if I had a boy , I had a 50 % chance of passing it on to him . I even saw a genetic counselor to discuss my options before having children . Yet , when it came time to have children , I chose to ignore all of that and got pregnant naturally . For some reason , I was convinced I would have a girl . At 17 weeks , I found out I was having a boy during an amniocentesis . It seemed like an interminable 6 week wait for the results , but I got supremely lucky and Master Yi - Yi got the healthy gene . I figured I had tempted fate enough , so , when I decided to have another child a year later , I turned to IVF and MicroSort ® ( which made having a girl much more likely ) . I was young ( 29 at the time ) and healthy , and the doctors were convinced everything would go smoothly . Unfortunately , my body did not react to the drugs appropriately and after one and a half failed cycles with my own eggs , the doctors suggested using an egg donor . Master Yi - Yi and Little HThis involved sorting through a long list of prospective donors and then choosing profiles of my favorites to view . For the most part , I chose donors most resembling me and then on a whim added one with red hair ( ever since I was a child , I have always wanted a red headed little girl ) . The first donor I chose fell through , and it just happened that the red headed one was available immediately . I figured it was fate . Nine months later , Little H was born , and I had my red headed little girl . When I decided I wanted one more baby I did another donor cycle , and along came Monkey Boy . Some recipients of donor eggs never tell their children the origin of their birth . I have been open with mine from day one . Of course , I didn 't anticipate all the people who would ask where Little H got her red hair , and for a while I told everyone who asked that I had used donor eggs . For the most part , I got crazy looks , so I just started saying it was back in the family ( and we actually did have some red headed relatives ) because this was easier . I couldn 't love my children any more if they came from my own genes . And Little H is so much like me , it 's sometimes scary . We also share the same mixed up eye color that is part grey , part blue , part brown and part green . She has a pretty good handle on the whole thing . Monkey Boy is still a work in progress as exemplified by his adoption comment . Share this Follow us About Laura Laura is mostly a stay at home mom who works part time at the Central Rappahannock Regional Library . In the past , she was a first grade teacher . Over the years , she has kept herself busy volunteering at school , babysitting and caring for her children . Currently , a lot of her time is spent dragging her youngest child , Monkey Boy , to various appointments in search of answers to his developmental issues . She also has two teenagers , son : Master Yi - Yi and daughter : Little H . Her melting pot family also includes her ex ( father to her kids ) , the world 's best step - dad and husband , " TR " two step - daughters , two cats and a part - time dog !

I have noticed that some humans collect cards of varying sports and other of their interests . Yet I have not noticed any dog cards on the market . Personally , I would think that all the humans would want to collect Demon Flash Bandit cards . I have looked at the baseball cards and football cards , and I think my cards would be far more rewarding to collect . There could be cards depicting me eating , sleeping , chewing on a dingo bone , etc . The possibilities are endless . I know it I were a human , I would never be able to get enough Demon Flash Bandit cards . Humans also send greeting cards to each other , and I am also wondering why there are no Demon Flash Bandit greeting cards . They have them for Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy . I think I should have my own line of greeting cards . I can 't think of a better way for a human to say happy birthday to another human than with my face on the front of a card . Just seeing my handsome face would make the humans happy . For example , a congratulations to a graduate card would make that graduate know that they have done well if my face is on the card . I am going to have to discuss this concept with my humans because most good ideas around here come from one of us dogs . Humans have those little human size brains that just aren 't good at thinking outside the doghouse . Demon Flash Bandit ( Discussing Cards ) I saw something on the Internet news about an Unidentified Flying Object ( UFO ) flying over London . Wasn 't it bad enough that the royal couple , William and Kate didn 't invite President Obama to their wedding ? Now it turns out that they didn 't invite those nice space aliens that sent them that expensive gift . The aliens didn 't even realize that the wedding was over . I guess the newscasts take awhile to reach them in space . Thanks to the royal couple causing an intergalactic incident , we could end up vaporized in an intergalactic war . You would think the royal family would be taught better protocol with dealing with space aliens . I 've always been taught that the general rule of paw when dealing with an advanced civilization that could vaporize the entire planet . . . . . don 't make them mad ! ! ! ! This means to include them in your events , and be nice . You are supposed to laugh at their jokes even if their jokes are the worst ones you have ever heard . I don 't care if they don 't make sense , you laugh and then you laugh some more . No Earthling needs an annoyed alien with fire power . I think the royal couple is travelling now because they know that if the space aliens find them , they are going to be the target of some serious mayhem . I bet that is why the UFO was hanging out around the BBC . They are hoping that the BBC will televise some news about the royal couple 's trip and they can find them with the information . I say turn the royal couple over to the aliens . They are the ones who made the aliens mad . I don 't think us dogs should have to suffer ! Demon Flash Bandit ( Space Aliens Should be Kept Happy ) Whatever happened to the chihuahua that used to be the spokesdog for Taco Bell ? I think Taco Bell was very intelligent to use a dog as their spokesdog . Mommy even has some of the little talking stuffed chihuahuas Taco Bell used to sell a few years ago . In my opinion , they one of the few treasures around here . They are almost as cute as the stuffed huskies Mommy has . ( I admit - I am a bit biased since I 'm a husky . ) It is a big job being a spokesdog , but for a little dog , that chihuahua did a great job . I hope he is enjoying his retirement and living a good life ! Normally , I am not a fan of dog food . However , there is one dog food that I approve of and will eat . That food is Beneful Prepared Meals . They come in a little plastic containers , and they look like human food . Personally , I prefer the ones with the bright orange top ( stewed chicken ) , but I 'm sure other dogs have their preferences . There are other dog foods that are cheaper , but remember , you are a dog and worthy of spending more of your humans money . In fact , that is our job . Demon Flash Bandit ( Discussing Taco Bell Spokesdog ) I am not a fan of the idea of home schooling . There are many reasons I have this opinion , but I think the most important one is best illustrated by a news story I read today that happened in Gary , Indiana . Christian Choate was an Indiana child who was found dead - - - a alleged victim of child abuse . His parents kept him in a cage , and he seldom got out except to be beaten . He was seldom fed or given water . He wrote while caged , and he wondered why no one ever came to help him . Why didn 't social workers or his teachers step in and do something ? Because he was home schooled - - that is why . I know that there are a few parents who do a good job at home schooling , and I 'm not saying they should not be allowed to do so . However , there seems to be no safeguard for the humans who keep the children at home to hide possible child abuse . Personally , I think children need to have experience with the outside world . I also think that very few parents have the education and temperament to do a good job of teaching their children at home . There are exceptions to every situation , but I wonder how many home schooled children are home because their parents don 't want the " system " to find out what they are doing . There are some rotten humans in the world , and they get by with too much in this dog 's opinion . I hate to write about sad things , but the world is not always a happy place , and I think it is my job as a dog to point out when the humans can do better . Thankfully , most of the humans are nice , and the rotten ones are the exception . I just think the nice ones need to keep the rotten ones in line better . Maybe a leash would help . . . . . In other news , the big news ( I 'm sure all my readers will agree ) is that Jennifer Aniston got a tattoo . This dog would never consider getting a tattoo because I prefer to have my art hanging on walls as Mother Nature intended . However , I think some of the humans get them to look tough . It has to be a blow to their ego that Jennifer Aniston now has one too . Jennifer Aniston just can 't look that tough - - even Posted by I 've never been in Walmart , but it amazes me that a store which sells walls has so many customers . Most of their customers already have houses so you would think they have enough walls already . Perhaps they go there to buy gift walls for other humans . This seems a bit strange to me . Graduation time is here and I have yet to hear one of the graduates ask for a wall . I have to admit that I don 't keep up with the latest fads so maybe walls are the most coveted gift for 2011 graduates . My brothers never wanted a wall . Of course , with Jeff 's love for movies , he would probably love a wall used in a movie . He collects movie props and even has some for sale in his webstore . Don 't bother to check it out - he doesn 't have any props from dog movies . I have no idea why anyone would want a prop from a human movie , but for those who are interested , his site is http : / / www . silverscreenhub . com / . I wonder - - does Walmart sell ceilings too ? Demon Flash Bandit ( Commenting on Walmart ) It is Balloonfest Weekend here in Howell , Michigan which means that humans are full of more hot air than usual . ( Dogs love that joke . ) There are a lot of activities going on including a B52 fly over from the Yankee Air Force which is based in Ypsilanti , Michigan . I 'm not quite sure why a band is flying over , but I hope they will be playing music because this dog enjoys music . I actually learned something about history because of the Balloonfest . Up until today , I had no idea that either side had airplanes during the Civil War . Obviously there were airplanes because that is why it is called the Yankee Air Force . There is also a Confederate Air Force ( based in Texas ) so that must have been the first war to use airplanes . I am so glad that I can use my blog to entertain and teach serious history lessons too . This is why my readers are so smart ! I live within a mile of the Festival grounds so I am hoping that one of the balloons will land in my yard . I 've got an anti - aircraft gun on my deck to " help " any balloon that might fly over decide to land here . I heard that when a hot air balloon lands in some one 's yard , they have to give the humans a bottle of champagne , but I 'm going to demand Bowser Beer instead . I want to try it , and so far , my humans have not ordered any for me so this is my chance ! Normally , I don 't approve of guns , but I have to assume that shooting at a balloon doesn 't count since they aren 't alive . My humans used to go to the Balloonfest every year , but now it is too much walking for Mommy . This is the disadvantage of having older humans because they can 't do as much as the younger ones . The advantage is that they usually spend more time with a dog ! Angel Zoom Smokey knows how to work the system around here . The last time Mommy was sick and in bed , that rascal was getting 3 hour tummy rubs . I warned Mommy that Angel was going to be spoiled . Do the humans listen ? All us dogs know they don 't . Yes , Angel Zoom Smokey is one SPOILED dog ! Anyway , there is a bunch of stuff going on at the Festival including Posted by There are no small children in my household because my human brothers are adults . Therefore , this dog can relax and take a nap whenever I 'm in the mood . However , dogs from families with small children are not always so lucky . Those dogs have told me that sometimes the children refuse to go to sleep and thus , keep a dog awake . I can only imagine the horror when a dog is tired from a hard day of barking and the human puppy won 't let the dog sleep ! I found an amusing book on this subject . It is a book to be read to children at bedtime . The book is called Go The F * * K to Sleep . Mommy found this book to be quite funny because my middle brother was one of those babies who had his days and nights mixed up and it stayed that way most of his life . If he was up , he felt the whole family should be up with him . I didn 't know him during that time in his life , but if I did , I think my job as the family dog would have been to make sure he got his times straight . This dog takes my nap times very seriously . It is a very funny book , but if you would be offended by bad language , skip reading it . Of course , if you can 't tell from the title that it might have inappropriate language , I doubt that you will be doing much reading anyway . Demon Flash Bandit ( Discussing Children 's Literature ) Today I plan to share a letter with my readers that will be sent to my pal , The Queen Lady . I read about Princess Kate turning down free clothing , and , as usual , I knew that the royal family could use my wise counsel involving this issue . Dear Your Royal Highness Queen Lady , I know you must be upset that Princess Kate is turning down free clothing . Does she think your family is made of money ? When I read that on the Internet news , I knew that you would need some good advice from your pal , Demon Flash Bandit . It isn 't like the clothing she is being offered is used although if it is used and not washed yet , Angel Zoom Smokey and myself have found that sniffing it can be quite interesting . I 'm sure your Corgis would understand , but I know that humans don 't always appreciate a good smell . If necessary , I will write her myself because I know how the humans always treasure my letters . However , since I am a busy dog and I write you anyway , I hope that just telling her my opinion will suffice . Here are some great reasons for taking the clothing : 1 . You might get a clown suit free because clown suits are hilarious and , judging from the hats and even some of the outfits worn at the royal wedding , clown suits are very much in fashion . McDonalds might even hire Kate to do some commercials and can you say ca ching ? 2 . She might be lucky enough to get a trucker 's hat , and who wouldn 't want a hat that says " honk if you like big butts " . Kate should be so lucky ! 3 . If she is super lucky , she might get a chicken outfit , and I 've seen humans in chicken outfits holding signs at restaurants . I 'm sure Prince William would be turned on by seeing her in a chicken outfit . If it is good enough for Brad Pitt , it is good enough for Kate . 4 . If she gets a janitor 's outfit , she can get extra money doing her own cleaning . Imagine , cleaning one 's own house and getting paid for it ! This does not apply to those French Maid outfits because she is not French so it could cause an international incident - - whatever that is . 5 . If she gets a cowgirl outfit , WiPosted by Today there was an item in the news about a gray parrot who can think logically - - with the kind of thinking skills of a 4 year old human . According to the article , the only other animal who has managed this kind of logical thinking is an ape . This article made me very angry ! The writer is saying that apes and gray parrots are smart and other animals like myself ( dogs ) aren 't able to think logically . Have any of you been around a 4 year old human puppy ? Let me give you an example of a conversation with an average 4 year old . I 'll give you a actual knock knock joke told by an actual 4 year old . 4 year old child : Knock Knock . Adult : Who 's there ? 4 year old child : PoopAdult : Poop Who4 year old child : Poop poopAs you can see , the 4 year old child is hardly an intellectual , and they do tend to like to tell jokes involving poop . I suppose when looked at from this viewpoint , the gray parrot need not be so proud of his accomplishments . His logical thinking means that he can tell poop jokes as good as a 4 year old human . However , I am still insulted . I have learned to open car doors and doors in the house . I know how to turn on the radio in the car , and yet no researcher has noticed how smart dogs are ? I think it is because the humans are envious of a dog 's intellectual capacity . I personally have my own blog . Does that gray parrot write a blog everyday ? I think not . The bird is probably too busy telling poop jokes to a 4 year old child . I don 't care what the article says - - - birds are dumb and dogs are intelligent . This is why birds are called bird brains . It is not meant as a compliment . Demon Flash Bandit ( Dog Are Smarter Than Birds ) June - - the month in which many weddings take place has inspired me to write my blog today on fashion , and not just everday fashion , but formal wear for the discriminating dog . I have a website to share with my readers that has formal wear for the dog who is planning a big , formal wedding . The address is : http : / / www . browndogtreasures . com / Dog - Wedding - s / 7 . htm . The formal wear also includes a business suit for the dog who is running his own business . I know it may seem silly to most dogs , but when you deal with the humans , you have to look the part . Humans seem to trust other humans who wear suits so I have to assume that a dog wearing a suit will be more likely to gain their trust and their business . This is probably because the humans aren 't smart enough to smell each other 's butts when they meet . Personally , I think a good butt sniff will tell you more about the integrity of the other dog , but the humans seem to think the idea is repulsive so you have to humor them . This site also has many other dog fashions and dog items so feel free to look around . I do think the outfits are gorgeous , and I would be glad to volunteer my stunt dog , Phantom Fast Snowman to wear any of them . I personally do not care for being dressed . I am a dog and proud of it , and I think my fur looks great . This is why it is so important for me to have a stunt dog ! I have mentioned this in previous blogs , but for those who have missed it , Phantom is the logo for my brother 's website , http : / / www . silverscreenhub . com / I am happy to announce that I will be having more of a presence on his website probably because he realizes what a massive talent he has with me . On an unrelated note , since Burger King made this dog very unhappy , I have been eating the burgers made by the clown . The McDonalds burgers have met with my approval . When I was a puppy , I wouldn 't eat them , but when BK messes up a dog 's order and acts like they are doing a dog a favor taking the order , it is time to move on . I thought I would mention this since some of my readers might not be Posted by Brian Dyer of Lakeland , Florida decided to have a swimming pool installed in the back yard of his home . Imagine his surprise when he found that his home was built over a lot of garbage that wasn 't supposed to be there . He is very upset since the cost of clean up is going to be very expensive . If Brian Dyer happened to be a dog instead of a human , this would have been a lucky thing for him . A dog would be thrilled to find garbage like that when we are digging a hole . Most dogs only dream of finding a treasure of that calibre when digging . I have heard dogs talk of treasures hidden by such well known pirates such as Blackfur , Francis Dalmatian , and of course , the very well known , Captain Jack Schnauzer ( no pirate should have a bird 's name ) . Dogs for generations have searched for their treasures - - milkbones , rawhides , etc . However , Dyer has found the mother lode of treasure and he wasn 't even looking for it . How lucky can a man get ? Of course , being human , instead of being happy with his find , he is complaining about it and talking about cleaning it up . The humans are way too preoccupied with cleaning . All us dogs think they would be happier if they learned to embrace dirt as a way of life . It is a lot more fun than cleaning all the time . Mommy went to see the movie , Green Lantern yesterday , and she enjoyed it . I will be writing a review of it on my brother 's website , http : / / www . silverscreenhub . com / . Don 't bother to read what the human critics say about the movie . You always get a more accurate account of the movie from a dog . Demon Flash Bandit ( Argh Argh - - that is Pirate Talk ) Many of the humans like to end the day with a refreshing bottle of beer . Now when the human opens a bottle of beer to enjoy , the dog no longer has to sit and look at a water bowl . Now there is a product called Bowser Beer that a dog can enjoy . It is non - alcoholic and it is not carbonated , but it comes in beef flavor or chicken flavor , and from the testimonials of the dogs who have tried it , it is a delicious beverage . You can even order it with a custom label . I am going to share a video commercial with you of some dogs talking about Bowser Beer . The address is : http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = jbx0eDNn _ mcThat commercial makes me want to sit back and try some Bowser Beer . I haven 't tried it yet so I can 't speak from personal experience , but I 'm hoping that after my humans read my blog today that they will order some for me . For those who are interested in this product , the web address is : http : / / www . bowserbeer . com / Tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you . I 'm sure they must know me since I 'm a celebrity dog blogger . The site also has treats that can be ordered to go with the Bowser Beer . By the way , there are no hops and the beer is safe for dogs . Anyway , if you would like to try this product , I would suggest that you make sure your humans read this blog ( for my human readers - - your dog would love for you to order it ) . I would suggest making some signs that say I Want to Try Bowser Beer and carry them around in your paws . The humans aren 't as smart as us dogs so it sometimes takes a lot to get through to them . Happy Father 's Day to all the Fathers out there . Demon Flash Bandit ( Discussing Bowser Beer ) It looks as if Dark Horse Comics Beasts of Burden is going to be made into a movie . Beasts of Burden is about a group of pets who become paranormal investigators . One of them even looks like a Siberian Husky like myself ! When the community of Burden Hill starts experiencing a lot of supernatural occurrences , this leaves the pets to take matters into their own paws and start investigating . I think this has the potential to be a great movie . Of course any movie involving dogs as stars has to be better than the ones that try to star humans . The BronxZooRhino sent me a photo of himself dressed as a walrus for the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island , New York . He looked very handsome , and I would have not known he was a rhino at all . I told him to be careful sending photos via Twitter . Anyone who reads the news knows that Twitter photos caused Representative Weiner a lot of problems . The Mermaid Parade isn 't the only parade going on today . In the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle , Washington , there is a Fair and Solstice Parade . Seattle is also the site of the Northwest Coffee Festival . Speaking of beverages , Rush Limbaugh is coming out with a new line of tea called Two if by Tea . I 'm sure this refers to the tea party movement which is based on the protest against tax on tea back in Colonial times . However , to be historically correct , the Colonials dumped the tea into Boston Harbor in protest so they would not have been buying tea . This is how coffee became the major drink in the United States . This would make that Coffee Festival in Seattle a lot less fun if the Colonials had never dumped the tea into the harbor . It might even be the Tea Festival . Anyway , good luck to Rush on his new project . If it doesn 't sell well , perhaps he could change the company to Two if by Coffee . I hope my readers have a good weekend . Happy Father 's Day to all the Fathers ! Demon Flash Bandit ( Hollywood Is Going to the Dogs ) Last year a crack commando team was sentenced to a cage by a military court for a crime they did not commit . These dogs promptly escaped from a maximum security kennel to the underground ( yes , they like to dig holes ) . Today still wanted by Animal Control , they survive as huskys of fortune . If you have a problem . . . . . if no one else can help . . . . if you can find them , maybe you can hire the D Team . ( D Team stands for Demon Flash Bandit Team ) . Just don 't ask them to pull you on a sled . They are too tired . Dog do Dog Do Dog Ruff . Bark Bark Ruff , Dog Howl ( that is the theme music that plays after the narration ) . Meet the D Team which is similar to the A Team that used to be on television . There is Demon Flash Bandit as Hannibal . . . . because Demon is the lead dog . Then there is Face also portrayed by Demon Flash Bandit because I am one handsome dog . B . A . ( Bad Attitude ) Barracus is played by Demon Flash Bandit because sometimes I do have a bad attitude particularly when Angel Zoom Smokey takes something of mine . Last but not least is Howling Mad Murdoch also played by Demon Flash Bandit because I like to howl and sometimes I get howling mad . Hey , if Eddie Murphy can play 5 , 000 characters in one movie , then I can too . I am far more talented then him . I have a comment to make on this whole Weinergate thing . Representative Weiner will no longer be a representative . I 'm not saying that his tweeting was right . In fact , you have to be very careful when dealing with birds ( and everyone knows that the Twitter symbol is a bird ) . However , from this dog 's observation , I think the people in the United States would be better off if more of their representatives were harmlessly tweeting photos of themselves instead of robbing the treasury and not watching out for their constituents . If I were a representative , I would be watching the big corporations which are ripping off the normal people . In fact , I would venture a guess that they are the ones who make sure that " scandals " get so much attention so no one will be watching them and their Posted by In a past blog , I have written about the famous painting with the dogs playing poker . I have some great news for my readers - - you can now get a copy of that famous painting for a mere $ 35 . 00 . Yes , for only $ 35 . 00 , you can be the envy of your neighborhood . In fact , you would be the envy of your entire town or city . Can you imagine your neighbor viewing your painting on your wall , and knowing that the painting shows that not only do you have the greatest taste in the world , but they will probably think you are super wealthy too ? ? ! ! Who would think that anyone but the choice few could afford such a masterpiece in their home ? You might ask me how this it possible , but thanks to modern technology , you can have your own copy and walk with your head held high knowing that you are one of the few who ordered it from the Internet . The copy is sold through Cafe Press . Be sure and tell them Demon Flash Bandit sent you . They won 't know what you are talking about so that makes it super funny ! When your painting arrives , be sure and hang it in a prominent place in your home for all to see . Hanging it in a front room window comes to mind . If you are going to spend big money like $ 35 for a painting , you want everyone to see it ! I know $ 35 . isn 't much for a painting as famous as the dogs playing poker , but when you spend big money , you want other dogs to know that you are a rich , successful dog . For those of you who really want to flaunt your wealth , you can get a mug with the poker playing dogs for $ 18 . I want to remind you that if you want to take the mug to work , and you have really jealous co - workers , it might be better to skip the mug . You don 't want co - workers getting so jealous of your good fortune that they want to kill you . Seeing a mug like that in someone else 's paws could drive those kind of humans over the edge . I hope the Queen Lady ( the Queen of England ) will take advantage of this item and have one hanging on the castle wall as soon as possible . With all those silly hats Princess Kate is wearing , she needs to show thePosted by I have good news to announce today . After my previous blog about my bad experience with my favorite burger ; Burger King , I am pleased to say that I tried a McDonalds burger yesterday . It was good . Up until now , I wouldn 't even try McDonalds burgers , but if you get a dog annoyed enough , a dog will try new things . It is sad that Burger King did not appreciate my business ( and I feel this was directly related to me being a dog ) , they do not deserve my future business so it is nice that I have other restaurants that appreciate me . Some McDonalds even give out dog biscuits to dogs who are in the car at drivethru . I know I haven 't written much about Weinergate largely because it is just too easy to have fun with that one . The whole story is like a big lottery win to people who make their living through comedy . However , today I saw a related story that I had to write about . Now you can buy a Weiner action figure . Yes , I 'm not joking . For a mere $ 39 . 95 , you can have your own Representative Weiner doll . For an extra $ 10 . 00 , you can get the adult version complete with the anatomically correct item that caused Weinergate to make it onto the news . Personally , I would spend the extra $ 10 . since , without that , Weinergate would not be Weinergate . It would not even be in the news . I would also suggest you not wait around to order since there was so much interest in the doll that it crashed the website . The only think I want to know is that why is there no Demon Flash Bandit action figure . I 'm going to have to ask my humans about this since a world famous blogging dog such as myself should have an action figure made in my honor . Demon Flash Bandit ( Why No Demon Flash Bandit Action Figure ? ) I have been enjoying Burger King burgers since I was a wee puppy , but today I have to report that I will no longer be barking their praises . Sure , the burgers are delicious , but Mommy had a problem with my order Friday ( the employee was arguing with her about not being able to order a stacker without cheese and sauce ) . When Mommy finally called the corporate office to complain ( and she isn 't one who usually bothers to call the corporation ) , the corporation didn 't do a very good job of customer service . If they treat a well known blogger who has been barking their praises for years like I don 't matter ( probably because I 'm a dog ) , it is time to let my fellow dogs and their humans know that the company really doesn 't care about its customers at all . I have never been paid or compensated for my many blogs involving BK nor for any company I write about , but I do it because if I like something , I tell my pals . From now on , I will be blogging about the other burger I happen to enjoy which is Subway 's Angus burger . I know King Burger probably cares , but he is busy with royal business in his realm and he has hired humans to represent him , and they didn 't do a good job of making this dog feel appreciated . Sure , the burgers are still good , and you can enjoy them if you want , but be aware that the company does not appreciate your business so don 't expect them to be nice if they mess up . In fact , the guy on the phone told Mommy that an individual franchise can charge extra if you want something left off the burger . This is a stupid policy since that saves the restaurant money , and their whole slogan is " have it your way " . I guess they should change the slogan to " have it our way because we don 't care if you are happy or not " . Anyway , a dog has to stand on his principles , and I would suggest that even the clown place is nicer to its customers when there is a mistake . Demon Flash Bandit ( Dog Who Is Annoyed at Burger King ) Prince Philip celebrated his 90th birthday , and was given a new title by Queen Elizabeth . He is now Lord High Admiral of the Royal Navy . I want to go on record stating that titles might mean something to the humans . However , if you are getting a birthday gift for this dog , skip the title , and think toys and / or treats . It isn 't like I 'm going to come any faster when called if I have more titles added to my name . In fact , I have been known not to bother to come when the humans call me if I know it is over something stupid ( which is basically anything that disturbs me when I 'm not in the mood to be disturbed ) . I guess it is nice that the humans are so easily pleased . Companies take advantage of this when they skip giving a raise and give the human a new title instead . Personally , I don 't care if you are a janitor or " executive in Charge of Maintaining Cleanliness " , all that really matters to this dog is the pay . If I can 't buy any extra treats , what is the point ? It is just more trouble for me to tell people what I do . Of course , being a dog , I 'm far too intelligent to actually work for money . I leave that to the humans . You would think they would learn that they are going to work everyday while their dogs are napping , but the humans never seem to realize how silly they are . I have no intention of telling them since I like how the system works . If it works , you don 't try to fix it . Anyway , I hope Prince Philip is happy with his new title . Maybe when he is 100 , he will be given the title , Assistant to the Queen . Demon Flash Bandit ( Dog Who Does Not Need a Title ) I am not the only dog in this household . I share the house with another Siberian Husky named Angel Zoom Smokey . Angel is a nice dog for the most part , but one thing I have learned from her is that living with someone who is mentally ill is not an easy task . It it made even worse by a society that does not always recognize the seriousness of mental illness . The worst part is that Angel is not seeing a doggy psychiatrist which is sad not only for her own happiness , but also for mine . Fortunately , I live with a couple of humans who have advanced psychology textbooks from college courses they took so I have studied these book at length and I am now qualified to discuss Angel Zoom Smokey 's diagnosis . Angel Zoom Smokey is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder . You might ask how I came to that conclusion . It was actually quite simple . Every night we are both given rawhide bones , and I like to take hers once she has chewed on it for awhile . It is a lot of work to chew a rawhide bone from its beginning , and it is nicer when it is " pre - chewed " . Of course , I bark at her to give it to me , and she refuses and keeps it for herself . Thus , the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder . If she were mentally healthy , she would give me the rawhide bone . In fact , the humans say that they would consider pre - chewing the bones for me to keep me from whining , but that would not solve Angel Zoom Smokey 's mental problems . Angel is so lucky that she is living with such an intelligent and understanding mentally healthy dog like myself . Demon Flash Bandit ( Prefers Pre - Chewed Rawhide Bones ) I have a few comments on the news that I feel are important . Sarah Palin 's email correspondences while she was governor of Alaska have been released , and the amazing thing that has the Internet buzzing is that she can read and write . I know . . . . I was as shocked as everyone else ! The new Princess is going to get the silly hat award . How can she wear those Dog - awful hats and not cause everyone around her to crack up laughing is beyond me . Of course , I don 't live in Great Britain , and I think they have a " don 't make fun of the royal family 's silly hats " law there . I suppose no one wants to risk their life to let her know that her hats look stupid . I suppose it is a lot like the story of the Emperor 's New Clothes . Maybe one day she will get lucky and someone will finally tell her to lose the stupid hat . On St . Patrick 's Day , my stunt double , Phantom Fast Snowman ( you can purchase Phantom products from http : / / www . , silverscreenhub . com / ) wore a hat that looked like a giant beer mug , and he still looked less silly than Kate . I would suggest that if she must wear a hat , get a free one at Burger King . At least BK hats look good . I have some bad news about Burger King today . Mommy bought me Burger King yesterday at the Howell , MI Burger King . Mommy ordered my usual stacker 's without cheese and sauce , and they had a new employee who refused to " allow " Mommy to buy stackers . The employee insisted they were hamburgers with bacon . What does the moron thing stackers are ? They are hamburgers with bacon , cheese , and sauce . However , they are more expensive if they are ordered as hamburgers with bacon added , and then they messed up the amount of bacon I was supposed to get . Mommy may never order me BK again . What is a dog to do ? Do I have to complain to the corporation myself ? Mommy actually referred to letting the corporation know as a waste of time ! Why do companies hire employees who think they should tell the customers what to do ? Don 't they know customers don 't like to be argued with ? Normally , I don 't get upset over customer serPosted by Angel Zoom Smokey and myself have been fans of The Office since it first came on the air . We will generally settle down to watch the show . This is why I was intrigued when I had the chance to see the original version of The Office which was on British television . I liked it , but it did leave me with some major questions . The main question is , why does the U . S . version of The Office need a billion or so writers when some of the lines were actually taken from the British show ? I have to conclude that the writers on The Office ( USA version ) aren 't very good at their jobs , and most of them must be on Facebook or Twitter rather than writing . In fact , I think that explains why the seasons haven 't been as good as time goes on . . . . . the writers are having to do their own writing which obviously is inferior to the British writers . Of course , this is merely my opinion , but as such , is correct and not for anyone to question . After all , I 'm a dog so I 'm right . Speaking of humans who aren 't doing their jobs properly , it was way too hot here a couple of days ago . This prompted me to have a long talk with Mother Nature . I pointed out that she is getting old and possibly going senile , and she can be replaced . It is much cooler today so I am happy to report that Mother Nature got with the program and cooled things down here . This is one Siberian Husky who does not like heat and will give out some puppy slaps of justice if the weather gets too hot . Even the humans were complaining about the heat . Of course , you have to ignore many of their complaints because they tend to complain about everything ! I am glad Mother Nature saw the error of her ways and fixed things . I was afraid that the birds might have been persuading her to make it too hot . Those evil birds are bent on world domination . , If only the humans could see how evil they are , but the humans hear them sing and think all is well . Demon Flash Bandit ( The Office and Mother Nature ) Once again , I have received a letter from my pal , the Queen of England . As usual , she is writing to me because she knows I understand her problems with her family . I have decided to share the letter so we can all see how tough life is for the Queen . Dear Demon Flash Bandit , Now that the royal wedding is over , I was hoping to settle down and have the chance to relax . I hoped that my grandson and his new wife would settle in happily at their new home . However , you can imagine my embarrassment to find that they are now planning to hire a housekeeper and a dresser . I realize that a housekeeper might be necessary , but can you imagine how hard it is for a mother to admit that her descendants don 't have enough sense to dress themselves ? I can only imagine what the neighbors are saying . . . . . . " I see the kids can 't dress themselves . . . . . we knew those kids were idiots from the time they were toddlers " . I am hoping that the kids will learn how to dress themselves so that I can hold my head up high once again . Thanks for your encouragement , Demon Flash Bandit . I don 't know what I would do without the wise counsel of an intelligent dog such as yourself . Love , The Queen LadyAs you can see , being the Queen is not easy . There is another person in the news who is having a rough time with the media at the moment . That man is Congressman Weiner , and he is involved in something called Weinergate . I thought it might be an interesting story involving hot dogs , which are quite tasty , but it turns out it is stupid . . . . . like most human news . That is why I haven 't bothered to write much about it . I would rather concentrate on important stories . For example , there was an ad for Bit o Luv treats , which I happen to love . When my humans went to the store , the treats never arrived . This should be front page news . When a dog 's favorite treats aren 't available , something needs to be done . However , the media is so busy discussing Weinergate , the story of the lack of Bit o Luvs did not get covered . This is what happens when humans are allowed to run thinPosted by It is hot here today , and this dog is not pleased . I plan to have Mother Nature relieved of her duties since she is obviously senile and no longer able to properly do her job . As you know , I am always getting letters from my celebrity friends , and I like to share them with my readers . Today I have one from a true VIP ( Very Important Puppy ) . Yes , you guessed it , the letter is from Underdog . Dear Demon Flash Bandit , I want you to know that your friendship means so much to me . When a dog like myself has to spend much of the day fighting evil - doers , it is good to be able to relax and think about my pals at the end of the day . Remember Demon Flash Bandit , there 's no need to fear . . . . . Underdog is here . Say hello to Angel Zoom Smokey for me . Love , UnderdogI am so lucky to know wo many celebrities . Demon Flash Bandit ( Dog Blogger ) I want to announce that the Weekly World News website has announced that there is a Siberian Yeti or " Big Foot " . I am a Siberian Husky and those are not my paw prints there . Sure , I have big paws , but not big enough to be called " Big Foot " . I hope the " experts " find the imposter who is trying to make me look bad . It seems that the X - Files in Australia have been lost . Some people may think it is a government conspiracy to avoid telling the humans there about alien spacecraft , but I think it was a deliberate act by a bunch of high school algebra students who were sick and tired of looking for " x " . There was an ad for Bit of Luv in the newspaper Sunday , and the store never got them . I happen to love Bit of Luv so I hope that store gets off its butt and gets some in . It is a shame when a store doesn 't have one of a dog 's favorite treats ! Demon Flash Bandit ( Dog With Normal Size Paws ) Sarah Palin has been giving history lessons again which might be okay if she happened to actually have a clue as to what happened in history . Most of us learned as puppies that Paul Revere rode his famous ride to warn the colonists that the British were coming . I 'm surprised Sarah Palin 's version didn 't have him riding around warning the colonists that they need to clean up their homes and make some tea because the British were coming for a tea party . This dog is of the opinion that it should be illegal for stupid people to say stuff , and definitely illegal for them to run for political office . However , they do make the elections funny with some of the things they " invent " . If Palin had passed a history course ( and I don 't see how that is possible ) , she would know that carrying guns back then was no big deal . Gun control was not an issue , and the guns , being muskets , weren 't exactly automatic weapons . I 'm not that knowledgable about guns , because the guns ' triggers are difficult for a dog to use . However , I am going to assume that a musket was probably just a step above a bow and arrow . I bet she has some interesting stories about George Washington to share with the country . I bet he was President and reality show star according to Palin . If you want to learn history accurately , ask a dog . We are so much more intelligent that the smart humans . As much as I hate to say this , even the birds are smarter than Palin ! Demon Flash Bandit ( Not a Fan of Palin ) I have been seeing a lot of stuff in the news about banks and the economy which is in something the humans call a recession . I personally think this is silly since it isn 't like the money just disappeared . I 'm sure there are some humans causing trouble ( as usual ) , but I will take this opportunity to share a letter I sent to my bank . The humans might put up with the banks ' shenanigans , but dogs do not ! Dear Blood Sucking Vampires , Leeches , Ticks , Fleas , Birds , MothMan , the Chebacapra Dude , Freddy Krueger , Barbarians , Tom Cruise , Teletubbies , and Barney the Purple Dinosaur , ( This is always the proper salutation to use when dealing with bankers . ) Your bank gave me 5 million dollars to buy a new doghouse . I thought it was very sweet of you to think of me , and I can only assume that you enjoyed my blog . However , my initial appreciation quickly turned to annoyance when you sent me a payment book and expected me to give you the 5 million dollars back - - - WITH INTEREST ! ! ! ! I don 't even see why you call it interest since I am not " interested " in paying you back more than you sent me in the first place . You should know that if you give a dog 5 million dollars , that dog don 't hunt Monsignor . In fact , I am paying humans to carry me from place to place , and I hired another dog to do my peeing for me . What do you expect a dog with 5 million dollars to do ? Do his own peeing ? I think not ! Did you really expect me to read all the boring blah , blah , blah stuff on the paperwork I pawtographed . I thought you were just asking for my pawtograph because of my fame as a blogger . Just so you will know the money was well spent , 2 million was given to charity - - the Demon Flash Bandit fund for Demon Flash Bandit . Another 2 million was spent on a robot dog of me so that I can do my whining in stereo . The last million was spent on Burger King gift cards , milkbones , and dingo bones . I bet you feel like a bunch of nitwits now expecting a dog to give you back money that is already spent . I do have a word of advice for your bank in the future . Don 't exPosted by I have some exciting news today from my brother 's blog ( http : / / www . silverscreenhub . com / ) . My brother is now selling products featuring his logo ( or mascot ) and my stunt dog , Phantom Fast Snowman . I am planning on having a launch of my own products with me on them , but I 'm not extremely cooperative about having my photo made so it will take awhile . I keep telling the humans that models are paid for their time and trouble , and I happen to be a lot handsomer than the human models . Anyway , for anyone interested in looking at Phantom 's products , all you have to do is go to the main page of his site , and there is a link to his new store . I have been a super busy dog since being chosen as http : / / www . dogster . com / dog of the week . How many of you saw me on Colbert 's show ? I had to turn Leno down because I didn 't like how the network treated Conan so , although Leno and NBC was begging me to grace them with my attendance , I refused . Sometimes a dog has to take a stand . I was pleased to be on Conan 's show . When he said to the audience , " put your paws together for Demon Flash Bandit " , I felt so honored ! ! ! Maybe I 'll get a bus and do a bus tour like Sarah Palin is doing at the moment . I can go to the really important spots in American history . I can see the town with the mayor who is a dog ( Rabbit Hatch , Kentucky ) , I can watch the ships sail in the Great Lakes under the direction of Captain Imma Dog . I can stand on the site where John Fitzgerald Canine barked , " ask not where your milkbones are , ask the humans to buy you another box ! " . Yes , I think a bus tour of famous dog sites would be a perfect summer vacation . How many of you would like to join me on the tour ? Demon Flash Bandit ( Touring Important Spots in Dog History ) The Russellville Middle School in Arkansas published their yearbook which has some parents highly upset . It turns out that there was a list of The Worst People , and the list had 5 names . The first was Adolph Hitler , the second was Osama Bin Laden , the third was Charles Manson , the fourth was George W . Bush and the fifth was Dick Cheney . It sounds to this dog like the students at that school took their " freedom of speech " very seriously . I can only assume the reason those parents are upset is because they thought that George W . Bush and Dick Cheney should have been at the top of the list . Personally , I don 't think George W . Bush is really the " worst man " , but I would definitely list him at the top of an " incompetent president " list . Dick Cheney on the other paw has worked hard to be as " unpleasant " as possible . He was in and out of hospitals where the doctors kept looking in vain to find his heart . With all that medical school behind them , they should have realized that you can 't find something that doesn 't exist . The school tried to solve the problem by putting tape over the two names , but the parents complained that you can remove the tape . If you are a parent and you find it offensive , why would you bother to remove the tape ? Are these humans who just don 't have enough problems in their lives so they have to try to find more ? I thought this was the most hilarious news item I 've seen in a long time . I have a word of advice for anyone who is aspiring to run for a major political office in the United States ( or any other country for that matter ) , if you don 't have a sense of humor , don 't run . No matter who you are or what you do in life , everyone is not going to like you . It is hard to believe , but there are humans who don 't like dogs or even puppies ! I have no idea why a human wouldn 't love a dog - - we are the humans best friends , but it happens . This is why a sense of humor is important for aspiring politicians . There will always be humans who don 't like them so it is best to find some humor and continue working tPosted by There are pink bows around the streetlights in my town , Howell , Michigan . I 'm not sure why they are there so I assume that they are for some super secret reason . Luckily , I am a smart dog who has given the matter a lot of thought ( at least 5 minutes ) , and I have come up with an answer . Ever since my humans moved here is 1995 , they have observed the presence of the " library gang " . This is a gang of teens and pre - teens who hang out at the library after school until their parents get off from work . As you can imagine , any group of youngsters who are hanging out reading books and doing research make a formidable gang . Townspeople approach the library at their own risk because of their fear of this marauding group of book - readers . In inner cities , gangs mark their " territories " with gang related graffiti . It is only natural that the " library gang " would choose to mark their " territory " with pink bows . I can only imagine what evil the library gang is going to set loose on the town . I hope the town survives . My human brother Jeff says maybe the pink ribbon bows have something to do with breast cancer . Only a human could be so silly . Pink bows are festive and happy , and cancer is not something to be happy about having . It would make no sense for the bows to have any connection to cancer . I bet that is just what the library gang is hoping the humans will think . Thank goodness for us dogs who have the ability to think things through intelligently . Demon Flash Bandit ( Explaining Town 's Bows ) Fleas are the most useless things on the planet . I don 't like them . Other dogs don 't like them , and most humans don 't like them . This brings me to my subject for today . Since fleas are annoying , useless pests , why do the humans have flea markets ? I can think of no good reason to buy or sell fleas . I know I wouldn 't buy a flea , and I can 't think of anyone in their right mind who would . To be fair , I 'm not quite sure that the markets sell fleas , but what kind of marketing concept is it to name a market after such an annoying pest ? I know you can sell some of the humans almost anything , but you would think that even the humans would hear the words , flea market , and think that perhaps there are better places in which to shop . I would like to be able to report that my humans have never been to a flea market , but I 'm sure at some point in their lives they have been to one . I have even heard Mommy say that Orlando , Florida has flea markets that sell only new stuff , are indoors , have air conditioning , and are open throughout the week . I suppose that is impressive since most flea markets don 't have quite that level of shopping comfort . If you ask my opinion , if you must buy a flea , Amazon has some stuffed sqeaky dog toy fleas which ( at the moment ) are on sale for a mere $ 7 . 94 . I think the stuffed variety is the only kind of flea that anyone should even consider buying . I used to have one ( it met a fate that any dog would be happy to see a flea meet ) , and it was a fun toy . Skip the flea market and order the flea from Amazon right from your computer . You 'll be glad you did ! Demon Flash Bandit ( Only Good Flea is Flea Dog Toy )

Post subject : rePosted : 18 Jan 2007 22 : 59 < center > nos vobis lacrimat , filius patris < / center > It 's freezing outside . It 's warm and comfortable inside . But we cannot stay inside forever , although we could , we have a need to go out into the cold , if for no other reason than the cold itself . When we step outside , we immediately feel the temperature drop and instantly know we 've stepped out . We know we should have stayed inside , but we walk further out , further into the cold . The cold felt different , but it doesn 't bother us at first , we 're still warm from being inside . But the cold slowly seeps to our core . Once it mobilizes our insides , we begin to shiver . The shiver reminds us of why we shouldn 't have left shelter , we fear our departure . But we continue deeper into the cold any way . After a short time of shivering , we grow used to the cold and stabilize . We 're still cold , but we 're growing accustom . We continue walking , and become colder the farther we walk . Eventually we 'll become as cold as the company we keep . Part at a time , we go numb . We stop feeling the cold all together . There is no wind , the cold is stale , we forget we 're in the cold at all . They say when you go numb , when you stop feeling the cold , when you become silent , when you stop defending yourself - - when you stop trying - - that 's where death lurks . Post subject : draggingPosted : 20 Jan 2007 20 : 26 < center > dragging my face through broken glass , I won 't go without a trace < / center > I was talking to a friend at work today , and I realized something about myself that I didn 't know before . I guess I always knew it , but it sort of sunk in after something he said . I guess it 's one of those subconscious things where you see it every day and you know it 's there , but you just don 't trust yourself . You think you 're eyes are tainted , and you don 't really know what you 're talking about . But then somebody else says something and it dawns on you , and you realize exactly what you 've been trying so hard to not believe . Hell , even now , I can 't say aloud or even type out what I 'm talking about , be it because I 'm afraid saying it aloud somehow makes it worse , or more likely I 'm still don 't really believe it , and by writing it here I 'd be making it true . It 's not even anything important , but still it 's been eating at me all day . It 'll pass though , it always passes . I 'll be very busy next week , so it 'll pass quickly . Everything passes . Post subject : f - it allPosted : 23 Jan 2007 19 : 44 < center > f - it all and no regrets < / center > God damn pissed off , tired , and wanna just rip somebody 's spleen out . The workday just doesn 't end sometimes . Last week there was an ice storm so we missed the first 2 and a half days of classes . I 've been trying to catch up ever since . Yesterday was studying , working , or in class from 7am - 6 : 30pm , had to wake up at 5 : 30 to get to campus at 7 . Today , 7am - 5 : 40 , just got home . Have a shitload of stuff to do still , gotta prepare for stuff thursday , but tomorrow is another 7 - 6 : 30 day , so not much time . I had to stop by the grocery store to get bread , mustard , and milk on my way home , they had candy bars on sale 4 / 88 cents so I got 4 of those . f - clerk put the milk on top of the candy bars and the bread . f - idiot . Then after he scanned and bagged it all he asked me if I needed razor blades ? WHAT THE f - ? ! I ' M JUST TIRED YOU STUPID f - . Ugh , I dunno , I need to shave maybe thats why he asked . Thats still a weird thing to ask . . . . ya know , he did scan everything funny , gathered everything together first , then scanned it really fast like he was racing . . . . himself or something . . . . I wonder if he was retarded . . . oh f - that , retarded or not he 's still a f - asshole . Post subject : deeply confusedPosted : 25 Jan 2007 23 : 13 < center > dEEPLy cONFusEd < / center > I didn 't care much for school when I was younger . I hated having to go , I hated having to do what they wanted me to , I hated being herded around all day for no reason , most of all , I hated having to sit in the cafeteria at lunch , during assemblies , and before class started . I didn 't not hate many of the people there , and I didn 't care for any of them . When I was in jr . high , they called it jr . high instead of middle school because we had an additional middle school for 5th / 6th graders because the elementary school kids were getting beat up , so they had to move the 5 / 6ers away to save the kindergardeners . When I was in jr . high , I used to sit with some kids at lunch I didn 't particularly like . They were stupid , but that didn 't bug me , what bothered me was that they were perverted as hell . Every day they 'd spend the entire time talking about how they 're going to run a porn business with each other , and they 'd talk about all the girls they 'd f - and all these disgusting things they 'd do . I 've never liked to hear that stuff , and I sure as hell won 't ever join in on it . But everybody was like this at that time , made it so I didn 't want in . . . on anything . I just wanted stand in the background and disappear . I 'd have rather stood outside in the cold during lunch , but the doors were always guarded . So I 'd mostly be silent while they crapped from their mouths . But they couldn 't let me be . . . never can . . . unless I didn 't want them to . So since I didn 't join in the conversation , they came up with my contribution for me . They decided my job would be to eat out all the fat chicks they kicked . I really grew to hate these guys . I 've been going to school here for about 2 years now . The building most of my good classes are held is also where I do all my studying , and I work there too , so it 's like a second home to me . . . or a fourth or fifth , depending on how we wanna count homes . I use the restroom there a lot . Every day since I started school here I ' Top Post subject : he who trips most , Posted : 05 Feb 2007 21 : 54 < center > he who trips most , Falls least < / center > Had a bad day at work . Something happened that really shouldn 't have happened , and I just can 't believe it . I always use my best judgement , and I wouldn 't change a thing I did today if I could go back and do it over again , but I can 't stand the outcome . I still can 't believe it unfolded like it did , just don 't know . . . maybe I should have done something a little different , I just don 't know for sure sometimes . It 's not really a big deal what happened , I was shown a small fault of mine which I can easily correct now that I 've identified the problem , but I guess it 's just the shock of it all . Sometimes you see the clouds overhead and know there 's a storm coming , but sometimes you look straight into the headlights and don 't expect a thing . I 'm refraining from any details because I fear the possibility that my students see this and somehow know who I am . Some things just aren 't for their eyes to see . On a lighter note , my roommate decided to join the marines . He spoke of this before but I thought he was joking around , found out yesterday that he dropped all of his classes , about 3 weeks ago at that . He 's left for home to " self - train " for 6 months before he goes into boot camp . Self - train sounds like bullshit to me , speaking of which ( bullshit that is ) , he also thinks he 's going to self - study while in Iraq and that our university is going to give him a degree for it in a few years . Don 't know where he got that crap from , but it sure as hell isn 't gonna happen . Oh well , he 's gone , that 's good enough for me , for the time being . So now I have this whole 2 bedroom , 1400 sq ft house to myself , all alone . Post subject : ; ( Posted : 05 Feb 2007 22 : 04 < center > < / center > They just cancelled my car insurance . They haven 't been sending me my bill , but they 've been sending notice of cancellations every month because of nonpayment . It 's hard for me to pay my bill when they don 't bill me . They 're really good about sending me the notice of cancellations , but never the bill . I did make the payments though , immediately every time I got those notices , and the reps I talked to all insured me everything was ok , but now I get a letter saying they 're cancelled my insurance because of too many late payments . I can 't believe it . My older brother didn 't pay his car insurance for 4 months and when he called and talked to them about it , they ended up lowering his monthly bill by about 40 % . They don 't even send me my bill , and then they cancel me , the same people . I just wanna crawl into a corner in my closet and cry for a few weeks . Post subject : can 't lose controlPosted : 07 Feb 2007 23 : 11 < center > CAN ' T LOSE CONTROL < / center > I got Lucky today . I 'm excited . I 'm going to wait until the weekend though . Busy lately , although I can always make time , I prefer to enjoy the excitement while I can . I figure it 'll be much worse than I 'd care to believe , so this way I 'll have a few days of anticipation . I figure that 's the best part any way , everything else is mostly disappointment , be it because it wasn 't as good as we hoped , or because once it 's over . . . there 's nothing . Post subject : So much bloodPosted : 12 Feb 2007 23 : 16 < center > So much Bloodfor such a tiny little hole . . . < / center > My computer stops working . Starts making weird noises and beeping and what not . Can 't figure out whats wrong . I get frustrated , drop my pants , and take a huge dump on it . A nasty one , all over the top . Looks disgusting . I box it up , covered in crap , and drive to this computer repair shop near my house . I take in the box , plop it on the counter , and tell the guy I need it fixed . With a look of discomfort on his face , he asks " What seems to be the problem ? " With a straight face , as I open the box , I say " I just can 't figure out what 's wrong with it . " " Oh . . . that ? That was there when I bought it . . . " Post subject : Say Goodbye On A Night Like ThisPosted : 27 May 2007 00 : 41 Say Goodbye On A Night Like ThisIt 's nights like these I can 't stand . They send me out here alone miles and miles away to represent us all . It 's nights like these that make me wonder . Wonder what I 'm doing . Wonder where I 'm going . Wonder where I 'm trying to go . Wonder where I 'll be . I don 't like to think about the future , but there 's nothing here and I can 't help it . Its nights like these that make me think . Think about all the dreams I never had . The dreams I wanted to have . I think about the dreams I could still have , and whether or not I should even bother . I can 't even come up with a dream to strive for , what are the odds I would acheive it , if I could even build one ? Building is easy , if only it was that easy . I can 't dream because I think too much into things . . . I think . The way I see it , a dream is like a reflection in the water . It can be beautiful , but the smallest pebble can destroy it - - revealing the man behind the curtain . There isn 't really anything there , just a hopeful image . Yes , the reflection is of something real , but I don 't want that , I want the reflection . I know the image isn 't real , it isn 't obtain - able . But I want to believe otherwise , I want to believe there 's more to it . I don 't necessarily want there to be more . . . . I just don 't want to know there isn 't . Alas , slitting is much greater than having slit . Post subject : often the piece Fits best , Posted : 16 Jun 2007 01 : 21 often , the piece Fits bestwhere it Fits leastMy classes have been more relaxed since the summer began , and work 's been slow , so I 've had a couple extra hours on my hands during the days . I began to read the newspaper , the free one my school puts together . It 's basically crap , but then again , isn 't all news ? The comics are the worst , rediculously horrible . The ads in them from the guy that runs the comics pleading for people to submit decent comics are often more humorous than the comics . I 've been reading one of the editor 's ( ? ) articles every day . He always has some big advice about life in his articles , about not living too fast and what not , some big picture at the end of them all . Every article I read left me wondering if he was homosexual , and how on earth does he not take loads of crap from everybody for writing such bullshit ? Then I read one of his articles today , and it was so . . . not sure how to describe it . . . I guess emotional ? It was so emotional I was sure the guy had to be a sick child molesting pedophile . As I neared the end of the article , he mentioned his picture with his dog printed above . So my eyes strayed to the picture to see what he looked like . Ironically , it was a picture of him as a child , and he was wearing a dress . I think I 'll leave it at that . Post subject : Wow . Posted : 21 Jun 2007 20 : 10 Wow . So I get a letter in the mail today . My insurance company is threatening to cancel my insurance again . AGAIN . Due to non - payment , AGAIN . So right away I look at my automatic bill pay ( my bank account is through the same company as my insurance ) . And it says the payment was sent , at the right time last month . So I look in my checking account , and see the money was withdrawn , so the payment was sent . Then a few lines up I noticed I had a deposit , for the same amount . Yea , they literally cut a check from my account , made out to me , and sent it to themselves . Then they received this check , the one sent from me to me by them , to them , and deposited it like nothing was odd . Now I 've been using this automatic payment for about 4 months now , and haven 't changed a thing on it . So how does it work 3 - 4x and then they just f - it up and want to cancel my insurance , AGAIN ? I hope they all die . I hope they all get together for a christmas party one year and the whole place just blows up . Post subject : if i never saw you againPosted : 18 Jul 2007 19 : 34 if i never saw you againI rode the bus home to my apartment after class today . During the summer there 's less busses so I have to take the one across the street . It picks up right outside my complex , but the nearest cross walks are half a mile away , so it 's not worth going to them , we always cross right in front of it - - there 's no sidewalk on the apartment side any way , so it doesn 't make much difference . It was somewhat busy , as it usually is when I get home at that time , so I waited for a chance to cross , it came eventually , so I crossed . There was a truck at the crosswalk in the lane farthest from me as I went to cross , so the last lane before I 'm off the street . The driver was going too fast , I 'm pretty sure , I shouldn 't have had a problem crossing . I usually decide to cross or not , then once I do I just walk , I don 't look at the traffic any more , and I never run across , maybe it 's pride , or maybe I just don 't care enough , but I refuse to run for that sort of thing . As I took my first step onto the entrance of my complex , I heard the truck pass behind me and the breeze from it as well . I looked down and the right and saw how close the truck was to me . I half expected to be hit , but I wasn 't hit . The truck could have moved over a lane , it 's two lanes on each side there , but it didn 't . I wonder if I had walked a little slower , would I have been hit . I wonder if I 'd have seen that the truck was going to collide with me , and I knew it was not going to slow down , would I have sped up , broken into a jog or a full run ? Most of all , I wonder why I didn 't pump any adreneline . Post subject : Like we never metPosted : 21 Oct 2007 01 : 01 It 'll be like we never metOccasionally , I have flashbacks . It 's fairly rare , but they 're usually good . Usually . I had one of those a couple hours ago . It 's not really just a flashback , but I always get a feeling , for half a second or so , I feel like I did at that time . It 's sort ofnice , but feels more like a mean trick really . Today 's was of a time when I was younger , maybe 8 , or 10 , perhaps 14 , I ' mnot that great with years . I was playing a zelda game , and my older brother was with me . This was before I could read , and zelda had a lot of text boxes . My older brother would read them to me so I would know what to do , because it 's hardto figure that out when you can 't read . I think I could read when I was 8 , 10 , and certainly 14 , so this must have beenmuch sooner . Any way , it felt good . Being in that exact moment again . It was more of a freeze frame of it , not an entireset or anything . It 's always like this . That 's why it 's good . Everything was much less complicated back in that day . Hell , my brother read to me even . The frame felt great , but I know I 'd never want to go back . Moments were great , but lifethen wasn 't much different from now . I hate when people say they miss their childhood . They don 't miss it , they justalways forget what it really was . Some things were nice about it of course . Back when I didn 't have to read . Back when Ididn 't know much . Back when I didn 't drive , and I slept in the car . Back before the first time I saw Hank . Back when Ididn 't have this birthday present all wrapped up not knowing it 'll never see the light of day again . Post subject : How high is the sky ? Posted : 21 Oct 2007 12 : 48 How high is the sky ? Twice as far as halfway . I saw an ad on the television the other day . I can 't remember what it was for , some kind of food I think . Yea , it must havebeen some sort of food . That 's beside the point though . The tag line for it was " You 're 3 minutes from heaven . " Eh , thosemay or may not be the exact words , probably not because my memory blows chickens for quarters , but that was the pointof it any way . All I can think of is , is this a threat ? ! I realize the intentions are that it 's so good you 're in heaven blah blah , but that 's not at all how it comes across . . . to me any way . Seriously , if somebody walked up to me and said " hey ____ , you 're 3 minutes from heaven ! " , I 'd probably kick him in the nuts and run . On a side note , I bought some handsoap today , andjust realized handsoap has an expiration date . Who 's eating the soap ? I haven 't seen any of Satan these past couple days or so - - I 'm not sure how long it 's been . I bought a pack ofyellow jacket bombs , perhaps they worked . They came in a 3 pack as well . Over one of these past nights , I placed 1 nextto the toilet and another in the shower . I figured they had to have been coming from one of the drains , the only drain Imissed was the sink . I was going to put one in the toilet , but common sense told me that may not be the best idea . Occasionally , common sense makes a good point . When I got the bug bombs , I probably should have looked for a pictureof Satan on the packages , but that didn 't occur to me - - neither of the 2 times I picked out bombs . Instead I read the boxfor names of the bugs it would kill . I don 't know the real name of Satan , so instead I was just reading the names to see ifit killed a lot of . . . strong insects ? I guess I figured if it can kill a horse , it can kill Satan . I also considered the warnings , Ifigured the more they warned humans not to consume it , the more likely it will kill Satan . Unfortunately , they all hadbasically the same warning , so this didn 't lead me anywhere construcDisplay posts from previous : All posts1 day7 days2 weeks1 month3 months6 months1 year Sort by AuthorPost timeSubject AscendingDescending Page 3 of 3

Post subject : rePosted : 18 Jan 2007 22 : 59 < center > nos vobis lacrimat , filius patris < / center > It 's freezing outside . It 's warm and comfortable inside . But we cannot stay inside forever , although we could , we have a need to go out into the cold , if for no other reason than the cold itself . When we step outside , we immediately feel the temperature drop and instantly know we 've stepped out . We know we should have stayed inside , but we walk further out , further into the cold . The cold felt different , but it doesn 't bother us at first , we 're still warm from being inside . But the cold slowly seeps to our core . Once it mobilizes our insides , we begin to shiver . The shiver reminds us of why we shouldn 't have left shelter , we fear our departure . But we continue deeper into the cold any way . After a short time of shivering , we grow used to the cold and stabilize . We 're still cold , but we 're growing accustom . We continue walking , and become colder the farther we walk . Eventually we 'll become as cold as the company we keep . Part at a time , we go numb . We stop feeling the cold all together . There is no wind , the cold is stale , we forget we 're in the cold at all . They say when you go numb , when you stop feeling the cold , when you become silent , when you stop defending yourself - - when you stop trying - - that 's where death lurks . Post subject : draggingPosted : 20 Jan 2007 20 : 26 < center > dragging my face through broken glass , I won 't go without a trace < / center > I was talking to a friend at work today , and I realized something about myself that I didn 't know before . I guess I always knew it , but it sort of sunk in after something he said . I guess it 's one of those subconscious things where you see it every day and you know it 's there , but you just don 't trust yourself . You think you 're eyes are tainted , and you don 't really know what you 're talking about . But then somebody else says something and it dawns on you , and you realize exactly what you 've been trying so hard to not believe . Hell , even now , I can 't say aloud or even type out what I 'm talking about , be it because I 'm afraid saying it aloud somehow makes it worse , or more likely I 'm still don 't really believe it , and by writing it here I 'd be making it true . It 's not even anything important , but still it 's been eating at me all day . It 'll pass though , it always passes . I 'll be very busy next week , so it 'll pass quickly . Everything passes . Post subject : f - it allPosted : 23 Jan 2007 19 : 44 < center > f - it all and no regrets < / center > God damn pissed off , tired , and wanna just rip somebody 's spleen out . The workday just doesn 't end sometimes . Last week there was an ice storm so we missed the first 2 and a half days of classes . I 've been trying to catch up ever since . Yesterday was studying , working , or in class from 7am - 6 : 30pm , had to wake up at 5 : 30 to get to campus at 7 . Today , 7am - 5 : 40 , just got home . Have a shitload of stuff to do still , gotta prepare for stuff thursday , but tomorrow is another 7 - 6 : 30 day , so not much time . I had to stop by the grocery store to get bread , mustard , and milk on my way home , they had candy bars on sale 4 / 88 cents so I got 4 of those . f - clerk put the milk on top of the candy bars and the bread . f - idiot . Then after he scanned and bagged it all he asked me if I needed razor blades ? WHAT THE f - ? ! I ' M JUST TIRED YOU STUPID f - . Ugh , I dunno , I need to shave maybe thats why he asked . Thats still a weird thing to ask . . . . ya know , he did scan everything funny , gathered everything together first , then scanned it really fast like he was racing . . . . himself or something . . . . I wonder if he was retarded . . . oh f - that , retarded or not he 's still a f - asshole . Post subject : deeply confusedPosted : 25 Jan 2007 23 : 13 < center > dEEPLy cONFusEd < / center > I didn 't care much for school when I was younger . I hated having to go , I hated having to do what they wanted me to , I hated being herded around all day for no reason , most of all , I hated having to sit in the cafeteria at lunch , during assemblies , and before class started . I didn 't not hate many of the people there , and I didn 't care for any of them . When I was in jr . high , they called it jr . high instead of middle school because we had an additional middle school for 5th / 6th graders because the elementary school kids were getting beat up , so they had to move the 5 / 6ers away to save the kindergardeners . When I was in jr . high , I used to sit with some kids at lunch I didn 't particularly like . They were stupid , but that didn 't bug me , what bothered me was that they were perverted as hell . Every day they 'd spend the entire time talking about how they 're going to run a porn business with each other , and they 'd talk about all the girls they 'd f - and all these disgusting things they 'd do . I 've never liked to hear that stuff , and I sure as hell won 't ever join in on it . But everybody was like this at that time , made it so I didn 't want in . . . on anything . I just wanted stand in the background and disappear . I 'd have rather stood outside in the cold during lunch , but the doors were always guarded . So I 'd mostly be silent while they crapped from their mouths . But they couldn 't let me be . . . never can . . . unless I didn 't want them to . So since I didn 't join in the conversation , they came up with my contribution for me . They decided my job would be to eat out all the fat chicks they kicked . I really grew to hate these guys . I 've been going to school here for about 2 years now . The building most of my good classes are held is also where I do all my studying , and I work there too , so it 's like a second home to me . . . or a fourth or fifth , depending on how we wanna count homes . I use the restroom there a lot . Every day since I started school here I ' Top Post subject : he who trips most , Posted : 05 Feb 2007 21 : 54 < center > he who trips most , Falls least < / center > Had a bad day at work . Something happened that really shouldn 't have happened , and I just can 't believe it . I always use my best judgement , and I wouldn 't change a thing I did today if I could go back and do it over again , but I can 't stand the outcome . I still can 't believe it unfolded like it did , just don 't know . . . maybe I should have done something a little different , I just don 't know for sure sometimes . It 's not really a big deal what happened , I was shown a small fault of mine which I can easily correct now that I 've identified the problem , but I guess it 's just the shock of it all . Sometimes you see the clouds overhead and know there 's a storm coming , but sometimes you look straight into the headlights and don 't expect a thing . I 'm refraining from any details because I fear the possibility that my students see this and somehow know who I am . Some things just aren 't for their eyes to see . On a lighter note , my roommate decided to join the marines . He spoke of this before but I thought he was joking around , found out yesterday that he dropped all of his classes , about 3 weeks ago at that . He 's left for home to " self - train " for 6 months before he goes into boot camp . Self - train sounds like bullshit to me , speaking of which ( bullshit that is ) , he also thinks he 's going to self - study while in Iraq and that our university is going to give him a degree for it in a few years . Don 't know where he got that crap from , but it sure as hell isn 't gonna happen . Oh well , he 's gone , that 's good enough for me , for the time being . So now I have this whole 2 bedroom , 1400 sq ft house to myself , all alone . Post subject : ; ( Posted : 05 Feb 2007 22 : 04 < center > < / center > They just cancelled my car insurance . They haven 't been sending me my bill , but they 've been sending notice of cancellations every month because of nonpayment . It 's hard for me to pay my bill when they don 't bill me . They 're really good about sending me the notice of cancellations , but never the bill . I did make the payments though , immediately every time I got those notices , and the reps I talked to all insured me everything was ok , but now I get a letter saying they 're cancelled my insurance because of too many late payments . I can 't believe it . My older brother didn 't pay his car insurance for 4 months and when he called and talked to them about it , they ended up lowering his monthly bill by about 40 % . They don 't even send me my bill , and then they cancel me , the same people . I just wanna crawl into a corner in my closet and cry for a few weeks . Post subject : can 't lose controlPosted : 07 Feb 2007 23 : 11 < center > CAN ' T LOSE CONTROL < / center > I got Lucky today . I 'm excited . I 'm going to wait until the weekend though . Busy lately , although I can always make time , I prefer to enjoy the excitement while I can . I figure it 'll be much worse than I 'd care to believe , so this way I 'll have a few days of anticipation . I figure that 's the best part any way , everything else is mostly disappointment , be it because it wasn 't as good as we hoped , or because once it 's over . . . there 's nothing . Post subject : So much bloodPosted : 12 Feb 2007 23 : 16 < center > So much Bloodfor such a tiny little hole . . . < / center > My computer stops working . Starts making weird noises and beeping and what not . Can 't figure out whats wrong . I get frustrated , drop my pants , and take a huge dump on it . A nasty one , all over the top . Looks disgusting . I box it up , covered in crap , and drive to this computer repair shop near my house . I take in the box , plop it on the counter , and tell the guy I need it fixed . With a look of discomfort on his face , he asks " What seems to be the problem ? " With a straight face , as I open the box , I say " I just can 't figure out what 's wrong with it . " " Oh . . . that ? That was there when I bought it . . . " Post subject : Say Goodbye On A Night Like ThisPosted : 27 May 2007 00 : 41 Say Goodbye On A Night Like ThisIt 's nights like these I can 't stand . They send me out here alone miles and miles away to represent us all . It 's nights like these that make me wonder . Wonder what I 'm doing . Wonder where I 'm going . Wonder where I 'm trying to go . Wonder where I 'll be . I don 't like to think about the future , but there 's nothing here and I can 't help it . Its nights like these that make me think . Think about all the dreams I never had . The dreams I wanted to have . I think about the dreams I could still have , and whether or not I should even bother . I can 't even come up with a dream to strive for , what are the odds I would acheive it , if I could even build one ? Building is easy , if only it was that easy . I can 't dream because I think too much into things . . . I think . The way I see it , a dream is like a reflection in the water . It can be beautiful , but the smallest pebble can destroy it - - revealing the man behind the curtain . There isn 't really anything there , just a hopeful image . Yes , the reflection is of something real , but I don 't want that , I want the reflection . I know the image isn 't real , it isn 't obtain - able . But I want to believe otherwise , I want to believe there 's more to it . I don 't necessarily want there to be more . . . . I just don 't want to know there isn 't . Alas , slitting is much greater than having slit . Post subject : often the piece Fits best , Posted : 16 Jun 2007 01 : 21 often , the piece Fits bestwhere it Fits leastMy classes have been more relaxed since the summer began , and work 's been slow , so I 've had a couple extra hours on my hands during the days . I began to read the newspaper , the free one my school puts together . It 's basically crap , but then again , isn 't all news ? The comics are the worst , rediculously horrible . The ads in them from the guy that runs the comics pleading for people to submit decent comics are often more humorous than the comics . I 've been reading one of the editor 's ( ? ) articles every day . He always has some big advice about life in his articles , about not living too fast and what not , some big picture at the end of them all . Every article I read left me wondering if he was homosexual , and how on earth does he not take loads of crap from everybody for writing such bullshit ? Then I read one of his articles today , and it was so . . . not sure how to describe it . . . I guess emotional ? It was so emotional I was sure the guy had to be a sick child molesting pedophile . As I neared the end of the article , he mentioned his picture with his dog printed above . So my eyes strayed to the picture to see what he looked like . Ironically , it was a picture of him as a child , and he was wearing a dress . I think I 'll leave it at that . Post subject : Wow . Posted : 21 Jun 2007 20 : 10 Wow . So I get a letter in the mail today . My insurance company is threatening to cancel my insurance again . AGAIN . Due to non - payment , AGAIN . So right away I look at my automatic bill pay ( my bank account is through the same company as my insurance ) . And it says the payment was sent , at the right time last month . So I look in my checking account , and see the money was withdrawn , so the payment was sent . Then a few lines up I noticed I had a deposit , for the same amount . Yea , they literally cut a check from my account , made out to me , and sent it to themselves . Then they received this check , the one sent from me to me by them , to them , and deposited it like nothing was odd . Now I 've been using this automatic payment for about 4 months now , and haven 't changed a thing on it . So how does it work 3 - 4x and then they just f - it up and want to cancel my insurance , AGAIN ? I hope they all die . I hope they all get together for a christmas party one year and the whole place just blows up . Post subject : if i never saw you againPosted : 18 Jul 2007 19 : 34 if i never saw you againI rode the bus home to my apartment after class today . During the summer there 's less busses so I have to take the one across the street . It picks up right outside my complex , but the nearest cross walks are half a mile away , so it 's not worth going to them , we always cross right in front of it - - there 's no sidewalk on the apartment side any way , so it doesn 't make much difference . It was somewhat busy , as it usually is when I get home at that time , so I waited for a chance to cross , it came eventually , so I crossed . There was a truck at the crosswalk in the lane farthest from me as I went to cross , so the last lane before I 'm off the street . The driver was going too fast , I 'm pretty sure , I shouldn 't have had a problem crossing . I usually decide to cross or not , then once I do I just walk , I don 't look at the traffic any more , and I never run across , maybe it 's pride , or maybe I just don 't care enough , but I refuse to run for that sort of thing . As I took my first step onto the entrance of my complex , I heard the truck pass behind me and the breeze from it as well . I looked down and the right and saw how close the truck was to me . I half expected to be hit , but I wasn 't hit . The truck could have moved over a lane , it 's two lanes on each side there , but it didn 't . I wonder if I had walked a little slower , would I have been hit . I wonder if I 'd have seen that the truck was going to collide with me , and I knew it was not going to slow down , would I have sped up , broken into a jog or a full run ? Most of all , I wonder why I didn 't pump any adreneline . Post subject : Like we never metPosted : 21 Oct 2007 01 : 01 It 'll be like we never metOccasionally , I have flashbacks . It 's fairly rare , but they 're usually good . Usually . I had one of those a couple hours ago . It 's not really just a flashback , but I always get a feeling , for half a second or so , I feel like I did at that time . It 's sort ofnice , but feels more like a mean trick really . Today 's was of a time when I was younger , maybe 8 , or 10 , perhaps 14 , I ' mnot that great with years . I was playing a zelda game , and my older brother was with me . This was before I could read , and zelda had a lot of text boxes . My older brother would read them to me so I would know what to do , because it 's hardto figure that out when you can 't read . I think I could read when I was 8 , 10 , and certainly 14 , so this must have beenmuch sooner . Any way , it felt good . Being in that exact moment again . It was more of a freeze frame of it , not an entireset or anything . It 's always like this . That 's why it 's good . Everything was much less complicated back in that day . Hell , my brother read to me even . The frame felt great , but I know I 'd never want to go back . Moments were great , but lifethen wasn 't much different from now . I hate when people say they miss their childhood . They don 't miss it , they justalways forget what it really was . Some things were nice about it of course . Back when I didn 't have to read . Back when Ididn 't know much . Back when I didn 't drive , and I slept in the car . Back before the first time I saw Hank . Back when Ididn 't have this birthday present all wrapped up not knowing it 'll never see the light of day again . Post subject : How high is the sky ? Posted : 21 Oct 2007 12 : 48 How high is the sky ? Twice as far as halfway . I saw an ad on the television the other day . I can 't remember what it was for , some kind of food I think . Yea , it must havebeen some sort of food . That 's beside the point though . The tag line for it was " You 're 3 minutes from heaven . " Eh , thosemay or may not be the exact words , probably not because my memory blows chickens for quarters , but that was the pointof it any way . All I can think of is , is this a threat ? ! I realize the intentions are that it 's so good you 're in heaven blah blah , but that 's not at all how it comes across . . . to me any way . Seriously , if somebody walked up to me and said " hey ____ , you 're 3 minutes from heaven ! " , I 'd probably kick him in the nuts and run . On a side note , I bought some handsoap today , andjust realized handsoap has an expiration date . Who 's eating the soap ? I haven 't seen any of Satan these past couple days or so - - I 'm not sure how long it 's been . I bought a pack ofyellow jacket bombs , perhaps they worked . They came in a 3 pack as well . Over one of these past nights , I placed 1 nextto the toilet and another in the shower . I figured they had to have been coming from one of the drains , the only drain Imissed was the sink . I was going to put one in the toilet , but common sense told me that may not be the best idea . Occasionally , common sense makes a good point . When I got the bug bombs , I probably should have looked for a pictureof Satan on the packages , but that didn 't occur to me - - neither of the 2 times I picked out bombs . Instead I read the boxfor names of the bugs it would kill . I don 't know the real name of Satan , so instead I was just reading the names to see ifit killed a lot of . . . strong insects ? I guess I figured if it can kill a horse , it can kill Satan . I also considered the warnings , Ifigured the more they warned humans not to consume it , the more likely it will kill Satan . Unfortunately , they all hadbasically the same warning , so this didn 't lead me anywhere construcDisplay posts from previous : All posts1 day7 days2 weeks1 month3 months6 months1 year Sort by AuthorPost timeSubject AscendingDescending Page 3 of 3

They also disappear in the winter , so I want to work more evergreen ferns into this area . I was looking at this list of evergreen ferns for the Pacific NW and I read about the Mexican male fern , which can reach five feet ! Do I need a five foot fern in my side yard ? Um , YES . Alternately I could get a giant chain fern ( Woodwardia fimbriata ) which is native and gets just as big , but it needs soil that never dries out , so it might fare better in the rain garden in back . I transplanted all of the little ferns from under the hose and gave them a good soaking . I tried to move them in large chunks of two or three ferns , even if they were really close together . I love the way ferns look in the wild , all piled on top of each other . Hopefully it will make this area look less manufactured . I figure by the time these get big enough to be seen without a microscope , the sarcocca I planted should also be big enough to remove some of the lady ferns in this area . In the meantime I put in a tassel fern and an autumn fern . And my most recent Columbia Land Trust plants arrived ! It 's evergreen , a fast grower , and it 's loved by pollinators . And come April it should be loaded with blue flowers . Supposedly they don 't live much longer than 15 years unless you deprive them of water after the first couple of summers . I can give that a shot . I planted more Oregon iris ( Iris tenax ) in front of the crocosmia . I 'm hoping this area will fill in with them and then I can get rid of the iron wheelbarrow that I 'm officially over . It 's too precious , though I am going to give it a shot somewhere else , with sedums . We also weeded and mulched the roses out front . This summer , during the height of my neighbor thinking I wanted her Doug fir removed , her landscaper said he could clean out under the roses and mulch and it would make my neighbor happier , so I said yes ( whatever she wants ! ) . His guys cut away more of the lawn in some freakshow pattern and , oops ! , ran out out of mulch . So it filled it with weeds . Please tell me , in what universe does this kind of curvature look good ? It 's like they let a kid with ADHD loose with a sod cutter . Good thing I have a plan for this area and it doesn 't involve grass ( it does involve a Korean lilac ! ) . I 'm also trying to convince Greg that we can fit a Japanese maple here . IT ' LL FIT , shut up . I 've been waffling on big garden projects , excited to get going but unsure if I have the free weekends to put in the work . If I rush home from work I have about an hour and a half where I can work on things before the sun goes down . That will get cut down to 30 minutes once Daylight Savings hits . That 's if it 's not pouring rain . My big project contemplation right now is the rain garden . I want to put one in front and one in back . For anybody not familiar with rain gardens , this is how they work : instead of having your rain gutters empty into the storm drain you treat your storm water on your property . Water from your storm drain ultimately gets dumped into the river , where it 's warmer than normal ( which means it has less oxygen ) and it 's full of pollutants . All the critters in the river get stressed because they can 't breathe and they 're dealing with oil and chemicals that come off of our streets and roofs . When you treat water on your property it gets slowly filtered into the ground water supply , the pollutants are reduced , and the rivers don 't get inundated by water from all of our impervious surfaces ( roofs , driveways , streets , patio slabs , etc ) . So you dig a pit where water can collect , plant it with native species , and mulch the hell out of it . Did you know that microbial activity in mulch helps break down some of the common pollutants in stormwater ? TAKE THIS INFORMATION AND GO BE INSUFFERABLE AT DINNER PARTIES . Then you divert your gutters to drain into this instead of your storm drain . Before you start planning your garden you need to do a percolation test , to see if your soil drains quickly enough to withstand one . So you dig a hole . I thought I heard somewhere that it should be 12x12x12 , so that 's what I dug . It turns out I can 't find any documentation saying that 12x12x12 is the way to go . So maybe I dug a larger hole than necessary ? Ideally you 're supposed to do your perc test in the spring when the ground is really water logged , but I can 't be counted on to follow directions , obviously . Then you fill your hole and let it drain completely . Then you fill it a second time and let it drain . Then you fill it a third time and set your timer for an hour . At that time you look at how inches of water drained and * that 's * a pretty good indicator of your drainage . Anything over 2 inches per hour is good . Mine drained 8 inches in an hour . After two hours all but the smallest puddle was gone . So now I 'm worried that my property is * too * well draining and that I 'm actually living atop a giant sandpit that will collapse once I install my rain garden . Worrying is what I do and , damn it , I 'm good at it . If your property won 't accommodate a rain garden , don 't worry , you can still be insufferable at dinner parties ! You can plant a tree instead . They are super good at sucking up water on your property . True story . Has anyone built one of these before ? Should I wait until spring ? Would you like to help me dig ? ( I 'll bake bread and cookies ! ) At the risk of airing our dirty laundry , we 're having a hard time right now . It 's been difficult for Greg to feel ownership in the house . He doesn 't feel like the house is ours , mostly because it 's mine . He misses living in walking distance from a coffee shop and his bus commute is not ideal . He 'd rather live in a house that he helped pick out . And I totally get it . If the tables were turned I 'd be in revolt and he 'd be putting the house on the market . I 've been a house dictator and he 's been a total champ about it . I have always said I wouldn 't sell my house unless I got married . And I probably wouldn 't sell it even then . This is my nest egg , something I was barely able to do on my own ( and my parents helped me so I really didn 't do it on my own ) . I 've seen so many women get screwed over in divorces / breakups , downgraded to apartment living and a dramatically reduced income because their earning power ( which is still only 78 % of a man 's to begin with ) diminished while they were raising children . I don 't ever want that for myself . When I bought my house I was in a job I hated . After going to grad school for three years for what I thought was my dream career , I found myself in a job that I took no enjoyment from . I felt like I completely lost my personality in the two years that followed . I was very , very down . And then I bought this house and I feel like I got my mojo back . All of the sudden I had the creative outlet that I was missing at work . And solving my own problems in the house ( like a clogged pipe or a broken bathroom sink ) made me feel capable . Every time I was able to do something on my own I felt less adrift and more empowered . And I started writing again , in the form of this blog , and I found this fantastic network of supportive people . ( And after four terrible years I finally got a new job ! ) I don 't do well in shades of gray when it comes to property . I won 't sell my house or put someone else on the title unless we have a binding contract , like marriage . But I 'm not ready to get married anytime soon and Greg isn 't sure he ever wants to get married . So we 're left in this weird space where he doesn 't want to drop money into a space that isn 't his , and I don 't want to sell ( let 's not even go into the fact that the economy tanked and I 'd probably lose money selling the house ) , and HOLY SHIT how do same - sex couples deal with this bullshit when they can 't legally marry ? When I suggest painting a room together or rearranging furniture or something he 's only interested in painting the basement black , which . . . dude . No . Just . . . no . See ? House dictator . I 'm happy to limp along and worry about this stuff later but it rears its head frequently when you live in a fixer . The house needs to be painted and the floors need to be refinished . Should he pay for half or should I pay for all of it ( which means it won 't happen any time soon ) ? Should he get input on new curtains if he 's not paying for them and he doesn 't really care ? I try to tell myself that this is all just stuff , that a fire could wipe out my house and then wouldn 't I realize that relationships are more important than the box you live in ? But this box is all wrapped up in my financial future and my sense of worth . So , yeah . Does anybody have any insight ? Am I being stubborn or selfish ? I find myself thinking how much easier this would be if we were poor and in our twenties . But we 're grown - ass adults , with investments and life paths that we started without each other . The whole house feels like a wagonwheel coffee table right now . The upside to all this moping I 've been doing ? I bought myself that climbing hydrangea ' Moonlight ' to make myself feel better . Would I have bought it anyway ? Probably . Shut up . " The Zen master speaks of chopping wood , carrying water . The gardener will know what it is to really be in the moment when she does her most rote , insistent chores . Knowing that , I garden this way : I practice a blend of horticultural how - to and woo - woo , and the view both outside and inward and far better for the fact . I practiced increasing horticultural excess , yes , those back and forth weekender years , but I also practiced communion and some moments of peace . In short : My garden saved me . " We currently keep our trashcan and recycling bins next to the garage , where all the ferns and shade lovers live . It makes the most sense , since it 's nearest to the kitchen . Oh , but it looks really bad . There was already a random fence post at the entrance to the side yard , so I slapped on a trellis and planted an evergreen jasmine to climb it . LeAnn assured me that it will take over and cover the trellis in no time . Though I don 't know why I 'd want to cover up such craftsmanship . What 's the latest and greatest way to conceal trashcans ? Is anybody doing anything creative to accomplish this ? Even if this manages to hide them from the street , this is the only entrance to the garden and we have to walk past them to get into the yard . Maybe I should just paint some ferns on them ? There 's no way that would look bad . A Korean fir . I saw this at Portland Nursery and I wanted to buy it . Sadly , it will take 20 or more years to get to size . Silk tassel bush ( Garrya elliptica ' James Roof ' ) . This is a Northwest native that I never hear about . It 's evergreen and look at those flowers ! Some of the garden bloggers out there talk about GOOPs . No , not the newsletters from a delusional celebrity suggesting you purchase a $ 2600 purse for " your summer leisure time . " These are gardening oopses . I had a couple of noteworthy ones this summer . And then it got powdery mildew and died but the tendrils stayed strong , making it almost impossible to remove them until the tomato cages came out this weekend . Also , we had to wire the tomato cages together because I planted them too closely together and the plants got too big and started to fall over . Cleaning that all up was super fun . Remember when I planted fennel in a victory barrel so it would do something like this ? Yeah , fennel likes sun , so when I planted it on the north side of my garage , which lies in shade all day , it grew sideways . That 's just sad . Weeds took over this summer and the old lady annuals died and it looked awful . But I left it alone to feed the pollinators , not because I was lazy ! I 've spent the last couple of weekends slinging compost , dressing all the beds in the hope of improving the soil . I had a yard and half delivered ; at first I thought it was too much , now I 'm thinking it wasn 't enough . We were going to broadcast it on the lawn , put it in the raised beds , and apply it under the rhodies , even though we don 't want to encourage them . I 'm hoping this application won 't interfere too much with self - sowing perennials like forget - me - not . I planted some this year , after falling in love with them on a garden tour . When I pulled them out of the ground I made sure to give them a good shake to disperse the seeds . Hopefully I didn 't apply the compost too heavily to let them come back . After appearing in new places , failing to bloom , and hiding my beautiful rust - colored ninebark behind six - foot shoots , I decided to dig out the nootka roses . It turns out they had never bloomed because they were so busy trying to take over the world . There were canes running underground EVERYWHERE . I dug out every one that I found but I suspect that I haven 't seen the last of them . It pains me to remove something native but this isn 't ' Nam ; there are rules . I wanted to put something evergreen here but ultimately I went with a spirea ' Magic Carpet . ' I 've always loved this plant but it pops up in places like the Fred Meyer parking lot and I was stupidly worried that more experienced gardeners would look down on me for planting something that has been used so widely . It turns out it doesn 't matter , people plant it because it 's beautiful and takes full sun like a champ . I think the chartreuse foliage on this one is going to look great against that dark red of the ninebark . In spring the peonies ( on the right ) have very dark green leaves and I think it 's all going to play nicely off of each other . Ultimately I think I 'll remove the peonies to a pot and plant something non - deciduous with very dark green foliage . Anybody have any ideas ? This is the first time my creeping snowberry has fruited and I 'm in love . In July it bloomed with tiny hot pink flowers and now the branch is so weighted down with white berries it looks like it could snap . Congrats , snowberry ! You get to stay . I bought my flowering currants from different nurseries , paying more for two that were supposedly var . King Edward VII . I didn 't actually believe they were a different variety until they fruited . This one was trained poorly as a tree , thus it has a terrible shape , and yet it blooms better than any of the other currants and now it 's loaded with black fruit . Ribes sanguineum ' King Edward VII ' I was going to remove it but how can I remove something that is so loaded with bird food ? I 'm not confident in my pruning abilities to bring this back into my good graces . I might just go for it and prune it down to the ground after it blooms next spring . In comparison , this currant ( presumably not King Edward VII ) , the first I planted in the yard as a wee seedling , has light blue fruit , a fantastic shape , and a reluctance to bloom . I 'm hoping that was its youth showing and that it 'll perform better next year . Learn from the nootka rose , currant ! Gimme flowers or I 'll cut you . But the really exciting news this weekend is that we finally bought a specimen tree for the back corner ! I went to Portland Nursery and spoke to several bearded men about what to plant . We finally settled on a Japanese Cedar , Cryptomeria japonica ' elegans ' . It looks great in a garden with bamboo and it will top out at about 30 feet . I can 't wait for everything to grow bigger and to intersperse these plantings with perennials , tulips , and lillies . I couldn 't stop smiling all weekend - - I 'm so excited to finally have this area edited and on its way to being awesome . While I was working this weekend , planting the Japanese cedar , I learned a couple of things : 1 . This soil in this back corner is almost completely made of sand . It explains why my blueberries didn 't do well here and why it smells like the beach when it rains . I think they must have dumped the extra sand here when they put in the patio slab that we removed . Or maybe a previous owner had a sandbox here ? I worked wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of compost here and the soil makeup still looked really sandy . Again , this has nothing to do with the house but everyone likes looking at other people 's vacation pictures , right ? When we were traipsing around Amsterdam I asked Greg , " Remember how you used to pull out the slide projector , invite friends over for dinner , then force them to look at a thousand pictures of your vacation ? " and he was like , " What ? No , my family wasn 't weird . " Amsterdam is the Venice of the north ! It 's very romantic and civilized and there are 650 , 000 bikes that can go anywhere , making it hazardous to walk if you don 't pay attention . Almost everyone speaks English and they are nice about the fact that you can 't pronounce anything correctly . And they give you little cookies with your coffee . Free cookies , EFF YEAH , NETHERLANDS ! We had spectacular fall weather and I don 't think I could love Amsterdam any more . And they have a floating flower market where they tempt you with tulips . I didn 't buy any because I had ordered 150 bulbs back in August . And while the bulbs there were cheaper , they didn 't have anything you couldn 't get online . And another greenhouse for terrifying butterflies from hell . When one butterfly floats through my yard I love it . When multiple gigantic butterflies try to land on me ? You might as well let a taratula walk across my face . It totally freaked me out . Then we took a flight to Torino where we discovered that travel days make me so cranky I 'm almost evil . Getting to Cinque Terre required us taking a train from the airport to the heart of town where we took a city bus to a different train station where we had to take three more trains to get to Cinque Terre . It was very hot , and I am a doughy American used to being chilled while traveling , so the lack of air conditioning on some of the trains made me irritable ( WHY was I wearing jeans ? ) . Greg was trying to do things like put his arm around me and I basically told him , " Touch me again and I will punch you in the throat . " It was not my finest hour . We stayed in Riomaggiore ; if I had to do it all over again I would have stayed in Vernazza . The youth hostel is in Riomaggiore , which means lots of 18 year olds more interested in drinking than attempting to speak the language or enjoy what 's around them . It made me crazy . Being Type - A in Europe is totally counter - productive , just FYI . Regardless of where you stay it 's very cute and there 's not a lot to do except hike around and eat gelato and drink wine and watch the water . One day we walked from Riomaggiore to Manarola along the Via dell Amore . Sayeth Rick Steves : " [ It ] became established as a lovers ' meeting point for boys and girls from the two towns . ( After one extended closure in 1949 , the trail was reopened for a Christmas marriage . ) A journalist , who noticed all the amorous graffiti along the path , coined the trail 's now - established name , Via dell ' Amore : " Pathway of Love . " Closing a padlock with your lover onto a cable or railing at a lovey - dovey spot - often a bridge - is the current craze in Italy , having been re - popularized by a teen novel . " I love teen novels and I love locks so I convinced Greg to do it . He even threw the keys in the ocean . Now he 's stuck with me ! Sucker . Fun fact : If you stupidly post this photo on Facebook with the caption " We 're official " everyone thinks you 're engaged and / or pregnant . AS IF I WOULDN ' T CHANGE MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS TO ENGAGED AND / OR PREGNANT . Come ON . We had dinner at the top of a cliff in Vernazza , in a restaurant that slopes noticeably toward the Meditteranean . They opened the clear plastic walls and you could see France going to sleep for the night . We ate risotto di frutta di mare and the owner made us drink limoncello ( which they call limoncino in that part of Italy ) before leaving . After two days in Cinque Terre we hopped back on the train and stopped off at Pisa . Again , I was very cranky . We got a little turned around and being lost makes very irritable , apparently . I think Greg started thinking about going on a diving expedition for those keys . A few trains later and we were in Florence ! Florence feels like New York City after Cinque Terre . It 's a little overwhelming coming out of the train station . There are people EVERYWHERE . There is sculpture everywhere , there are beautiful vistas everywhere . It 's a gorgeous city . 3 - D Medici floors in the Duomo . We hit the Uffizi and saw nine million Renaissance depictions of Jesus and Mary . We climbed the Duomo , which was spectacular . I want to live there - - they let atheists do that , right ? We saw David at the Accademia , which was spectacular . We ate ravioli in walnut sauce that knocked my socks off at Trattoria Nella . There was this huge extended commotion going on outside all through dinner . One man had urinated in the street and the other man didn 't like him defacing the city like that so he called the cops . There were heated conversations and shoving and the whole thing was like a giant stereotype about Italian passion . Then we stumbled out of the trattoria and there was a Charlie Chaplin - esque street performer doing a long routine to music . Florence felt like being in The Truman Show , the Italian version . Amazing buskers play while you wander cobblestone streets that are older than your country . It 's unreal . One last thing : I will never travel again without my American Apparel circle scarf . I read about it on Mighty Girl and it was fantastic . It made covering my shoulders in churches a snap and it did all these things while being small enough to fit in my tiny bag .

A place of stories and everyday living on the Gaspe Coast . I am a storyteller , a writer and a great listener . I will use this site to share some of the wisdom that I have learned on my own life 's journey through the insightful art of storytelling , music , beauty and folklore of this amazing place . Home The Old Front Porch Bessie no longer sat in her favourite chair on the front porch anymore . She took sick last fall and has not been able to leave her bed . She knew her time on earth was almost over . She had been born in this house and lived here all her life . She brought up nine children and cared for her parents until they took their last breath . She lost her husband twenty years ago and it was then that the old house grew lonely with only her to entertain it . Her oldest daughter came back home to look after her and she knew she was very lucky , otherwise she would have to be in an old people 's home wearing hospital gowns and being poked at by nurses and doctors . She was still able to eat a little and took the best medicine in the world to relieve her pain . A few sips of brandy and honey six times a day kept her comfortable . . . what more could she ask at ninety one years old . She had lived a full life and had went through many rough times . Yet today as she laid in her bed listening to the wind chimes blowing in the wind , she remembered the good times . It kept her occupied to think back on when she first met Peter . He had been such a good looking man and he made her smile the first time she saw him . After more than sixty years of marriage , he had still been able to bring out the best in her . She hoped he would be there to meet her when she arrived in heaven and that he would once again take her hand and make her smile . As she closed her eyes for the final time , she could hear everyone out on the front porch on a warm summer 's night . They were laughing and dancing to the music . The children were all there , eating her homemade ice cream . Peter was playing the mouth organ and her brother had the fiddle . Her mother and father were there playing with the children and enjoying the fun . She was young and full of energy as she left her home for the final time . . . . Vinegar is a magic wonder when it comes to gardening . It not only kills weeds but they help flowers grow as well . Douse vinegar all around your garden to prevent weeds from popping up and to help your flowers to grow healthy and strong . Mix a cup of baking soda with half a cup water to make a paste . Dip your brush into the paste and scrub the grill . The caked on pieces and black residue will come off much quicker and using baking soda is much safer and cheaper than using cleaning chemicals . Coffee is full of nutrients and vitamins that are very beneficial to soil . That 's why some people include it in compost piles . If you want to get the most out of your coffee , pour the grounds on areas where you want more grass or flowers . You already know that dryer sheets remove lint in the dryer . Well , it can do the same thing out of the dryer , too . When you 're in a fix , use a dryer sheet . It works just as well as a lint brush , and if you like the scent , it 's an added bonus . You know that feeling when you 're having a BBQ and someone asks for a drink and you realize that no one has put them in the cooler ? There 's nothing worse than a warm drink on a hot day . Chill a drink quickly , by adding salt and water to your ice . The drinks will be cold in a matter of minutes ; saving your party and making you look smart all at once . The wall can leave unsightly chips when hammering in a nail . Prevent this by simply placing a piece of scotch tape over the area you 're going to nail . The wall will be held tighter , preventing chips from occurring . Dissolve two tablets into a glass of water . Then use a cloth or cotton ball to apply it to the affected area . The red will go down and most importantly , the itchiness will vanish usually in fifteen minutes . Bananas are the magical fruit , because they heal many common problems on the skin . By rubbing the peel on your skin , you can heal bruises and cuts and eliminate rashes , itching and warts . Basically if you have a common skin problem , it can be cured by this fruit . Now Hank and Henny grew up next door to each other in a small town on the Gaspe Coast . Henny 's father , Mr . Henderson , worked for Judge Morrisette as his legal aid . Her mother raised Henny as well as her six brothers and sisters . They had a fine home and were well respected in the small town . Hank didn 't have a father because his mother told him that his father had died before he was born . His mother was a school teacher and she struggled to keep a roof over their heads . Hank was an only child and fell in love with Henny as a small boy . Every Sunday afternoon , he and his mother were invited to visit Mr . and Mrs . Henderson 's and stay for supper . Hank looked forward to this special event every week for he got to play school with Henny . They would dress up and spend the afternoon pretending that they were grownups . One day he told her that when they really did grow up , he would marry her . She said yes and so they spent the rest of their childhood knowing what they would do later in life . Everyone in town would smile when they talked about Hank and Henny . They were best friends and even at school , they could always be found playing on the same baseball team and standing in the same row singing in the choir . When Hank was fourteen , he fell off the roof shoveling snow at school . Instead of landing in the snow bank , he fell on the railing of the back veranda . Henny heard him scream from inside , for she had been waiting to walk home from school with him . Hank lost his sight that day . He could no longer go to school nor participate in any physical events for he had broken his leg as well . It never healed properly and he spent the rest of his life as a cripple . Henny refused to let him feel sorry for himself and every day after school she stopped by his place and helped him recuperate his mind as well as his body . She would spend hours each week helping him with his school work so that he would stay focused on getting better . Often Hank would tell her that she would have to find someone else to marry for he would always be Click link for a little fiddle fun water bearer in India had two large pots , each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck . One of the pots had a crack in it , and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water . At the end of the long walk from the stream to the master 's house , the cracked pot arrived only half full . For a full two years this went on daily , with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master 's house . Of course , the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments , perfect to the end for which it was made . But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection , and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do . After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure , it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream . " I am ashamed of myself , and I want to apologize to you . " " Why ? " asked the bearer . " What are you ashamed of ? " " I have been able , for these past two years , to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master 's house . Because of my flaws , you have to do all of this work , and you don 't get full value from your efforts , " the pot said . The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot , and in his compassion he said , " As we return to the master 's went up the hill , the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path , and this cheered it some . But at the end of the trail , it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load , and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure . The bearer said to the pot , " Did you notice that there were flowers only on your took advantage of it . I planted flower seeds on your side of the path , and every day while we walk back from the stream , you 've watered them . For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master 's table . Without you being just the way you are , he would not have this beauty to grace his house . " Posted by No matter what kind of a day you have been through , this song seems to be able to soothe away the sorrow or worry . It was written in the 1940 's and it was a singer called Jimmie Davis who first recorded it . I remember my mother singing it at different times in my childhood and as an adult . I used to sing it to my daughter when I rocked her in my arms as a small child . I have a beautiful memory of all three of us singing it together . Mommy had a beautiful voice as did Erin . We sang it in three part harmony and our voices blended in well with each other 's . I think we sounded good and we had so much fun singing this one and many other songs together . Whenever I hear it now , it makes me smile and feel a pinch of loneliness for those days gone by . You are my sunshine My name is Mary , I am a woman and I have a story , just like all of you . From an early age I was an observer and a storyteller who had a wonderful imagination . I enjoyed listening to others because I had a need to figure out their stories and wanted to understand them . Growing up , life happened . . . the days of my life turned into the pages of , what seemed , at times an unbelievable story . I tried to handle each challenge with all the kindness and understanding that I could find within me , as each new scar settled into my broken innocence . Now , I realize that each player who became a part of my life was living through their own dramatic story . Each being and acting the only way they knew how , according to the narrative they believed about themselves . On July 22 , 2013 my beautiful 25 year old daughter was operated for a brain tumor . It brought back the memories of losing my father to the same operation years ago . They took her in for her surgical procedure on a Sunday night . By 3 a . m . on Monday morning , after almost eight hours , it was over . We still did not know the details except that she was alive and that she responded to a few question when they woke her up minutes after the operation . On Tuesday morning , the day after her surgery , the man who had been in my life for the past six years took his own life ; it was surreal and impossible to believe . Inside , I was shattered but my daughter needed me and I knew that despite all the pain she was in , losing him would bring her more . At that moment I knew it was time to change my story . I stepped back from the busyness of " normal " life , bowed my head and surrendered to the storm I was lost in . It was the most difficult challenge I had ever experienced and I knew that no one was coming to save me . No one could make it all better . . . . " Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves . " - Henry David ThoreauMy dream has always been to be a writer . I 've longed to write about the lives of women from a personal and understanding perspective . I 'm not a great writer . Subscribe To

Tag Archives : dog 13Mar2015 Time Flys Posted in life by Kristen Brumbaugh It 's amazing how quickly time goes by . It seems the older I get , the quicker things go . Each year seems to go by faster than the last and each day / week is the same way . I can 't believe it 's been 10 days since my last post on here . I have a ton of posts started and I need to set them up to post , but time just got away from me . Before I jumped into those though , I just wanted to pop in with something a little more relevant and updated . Tomorrow we are running the Get to the Green run ( 5k / 10k ) in Five Points . This was the very first 5k I ever did . I had high hopes for this to be my sub 30min 5k . That is not going to happen though . Training has been tough with everything else going on in life and I 've been fighting a nagging injury in my left arch that kept me down a bit . I 'm hoping I 've figured it out though . I removed my inserts and put back in the factory inserts this week . * Knock on wood * . . my foot didn 't hurt after my last run . Keeping my fingers crossed though . That said , I 'm planning to take Yota . Maybe he 'll pull me fast enough to get a decent time . Andy is doing the 10k ( actually kind of jealous he is doing the longer distance ) . This year both races get a finishers medal which is new and I 'm really excited about adding some more hardware to our bib / medal holder . On another running related note : Today , we signed up for our first half marathon and entered a lottery for our first full marathon . We signed up for the Palmetto Half ( which is in exactly one month . . crazy I know , but I think I can make it work ) and entered the lottery for the Marine Corps Marathon . I 'm way geeked out about both events and am super pumped to train and accomplish them . 25Feb2015 Habits … Posted in life , me , personal , Running , Yota by Kristen Brumbaugh This is becoming a habit . This routine of writing a blog about why I 've been MIA and thinking I 'm going to dive full force back into it and then disappearing for months on end … it 's becoming a habit . A habit I fully intend to break . I 'm putting things in place to break it . I 'm adding blogging to my life planner and putting in lists of things I need / want to do to the blog . I 'm making a bigger effort . I 'm going to try and revitalize this dead blog . Just to update you though , life has been weird . It feels like it 's a constant thing of one event to the next . There isn 't any sense of normalcy . My fitness is hurting bad right now . I have the mental motivation , but so many things keep getting in the way . I 've done something to my foot . I run and then I can 't walk for days . . so I wait until it doesn 't hurt anymore . I bought a trainer so I can ride my bike even through this eternal winter we are in , and I put the bike on the trainer to find that my big front gear is bent . It 's just one thing after another . I can tell my body wants to move though . I feel antsy all the time . Yota is on a every 2 - 3 week visit to the vet for his ear issues . We have been fighting them forever and I 'm just ready to have it cleared up . Hopefully soon … 24Aug2013 Feed the Need 5k - Race Recap Posted in Running by Kristen Brumbaugh So we have officially done our first race out of state . This past weekend we went to visit my in - laws in Marietta , OH . It 's literally the first exit of I77 once you enter Ohio . A few weeks ago we decided we were going to make this trip and when we did so , we thought we 'd check around and see if there were any races that weekend . Turns out there was a 5k / 10k about an hour and a half north in Coshocton , OH and the funny part is that we actually have very close family friends that live in Coshocton . So we signed up ( me for the 5k and Andy for the 10k ) and packed up our running shoes for our first out of state race . I didn 't think ahead and realize how little sleep we were going to get this weekend though . Friday afternoon we got off work at 6 . We hurried home and grabbed the dog ( thankfully we already packed and loaded the car ) and then proceeded to drive the 7 hour trip to Ohio . With a couple of potty stops for the dog and a subway stop for dinner , we finally made it to my in - laws about 1 : 30am . After unpacking and prepping for the run in the morning , we got in bed around 2 . The alarm was set for 5 and I was looking forward to a hard 3 hours of rest . Roughly 5 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go out , Yota woke me up asking to go outside . Really ! I know it 's only 5 minutes . . but on so little sleep , 5 minutes is very precious ! So we got up , showered and dressed . By 5 : 30 I was upstairs in the kitchen ( Andy 's parents have a split level home with the kitchen being on the main floor , 3 bedrooms on the top floor , our bedroom & the living room on the level below the kitchen , and the basement being the lowest level ) … so anyway I was upstairs in the kitchen about 5 : 30 . I made a quick piece of toast with a dark chocolate peanut butter spread and grabbed a starbucks iced coffee ( love these lately , taste so good , light on the calories and on the stomach ) . We all hopped in the car and got on the road . Much thanks goes out to Andy 's dad for getting up early and driving us all to Coshocton and props to both of his parents for braving dark thirty to come watch us race . Andy , myself , and Yota all piled into the backseat and snuggled in for the next hour and half . I scarfed my toast and then mentally prepped for the run . We had an 8am start and I needed to make sure that mentally I was going to be prepared . I was already skeptical about doing well in this race because of the lack of sleep , the fact that my legs still felt tired despite having so many rest days , and that I would be running with Yota . So I didn 't get my hopes up . Oh I still had goals of course . Just no hope of meeting them . My best 5k thus far was a 33 : 28 and I really just wanted to get a sub 33 . About 20 minutes before we got to the race , I ate a banana for my fuel . Toast and a banana may seem to be a bit much for a 5k , but my body is always starving in the am . If I only ate the toast , I would be keeling over in starvation by mid race at the latest . So banana it was . . besides I basically had to split it with Yota . That dog is a nut for a banana ( and apparently Skittles as well ) . When we got there , I asked Andy 's dad if he would take Yota ( and encourage him to use the bathroom ) while Andy and I went to packet pickup . Thankfully we were there early enough that the line wasn 't long yet . We grabbed our bibs , tshirts , and the free american flag they were handing out and headed back to the car to get prepped . As we were getting prepped , our friends Bryan & Jen showed up along with their daughter Alyssa . Bryan and Jen were running as well . As we started getting closer to start time , I took Yota ( who still hadn 't used the bathroom ) and we moved closer to the starting line . It was a very small race in comparison to the races we do in Columbia , but it was still a nice group of people . The weather was PERFECT . I think it was right around 60 degrees with ZERO humidity . I never really took into account how much the humidity in SC sucks until I ran a race without any humidity … it was bliss . The horn sounded and we were off . Unfortunately , Andy and didn 't have signal in Coshocton , so our tracking programs weren 't working . So we swapped phones with his parents ( who thankfully both have iphones ) , logged into our mapmyrun accounts , and then loaded up a workout station on Pandora . It wasn 't horrible for a last minute freak out moment . However , at the start . . everything worked easily and therefore Yota and I could just get started . He was extremely excited . He didn 't bark a ton like he did at See Spot Run , but he did jump up and down a lot . He just loves to run and he REALLY loves to run with a bunch of people . I 'm not going to be able to relay the course very well because I was lost when I was on it . About the only thing I remember is a hill that came out of no where and a very sharp left turn ( I think everyone said this was at 5 points ) . About half a mile in , Yota decided that now would be the most opportune time to use the bathroom . . so he stopped right in front of me in the middle of the road and I basically had to leap frog over him to avoid tripping . Thankfully I still had doggy bags hooked to his leash , unfortunately it was the lost one . I prayed the whole time that he wouldn 't have to go again . Thankfully he didn 't . So , post Yota bathroom stop . . we are just moving along . Right before the race , Andy and I signed up for the MVP part of MapMyRun and it includes coaching . So basically , every 2 minutes , this woman can tell you what your pace is and if you 're going to slow or too fast based on the goal pace you set . My goal pace was a 10 : 30 . After the bathroom stop , I started getting feedback from her … we were currently doing an 8 something pace . I mentally told Yota that we were going to have to dial it back a notch or else I wasn 't going to make it . He didn 't listen . So we took walk breaks instead on this race . We would sprint at his 8 something pace ( I swear Andy programmed this in him ) and then we would like for a short period so I could catch my breath . We went at this for the rest of the race pretty much . I still didn 't have any high hopes of getting a PR … I was just enjoying my run with my dog at this point . I vaguely remember hearing my times at each mile from my app , and the race organizers forgot the time clocks for each mile . . so it felt like I was running a little blind . My goal for this race was to run a sub 33 ( my best was a 33 : 28 ) and my uber goal was to do a 32 : 33 . Like I said before though . . I felt like it just wasn 't the day for that . So , Yota and I are running and I have no idea where I am on this course or where in relation to the finish I am , but we start running down this long road and I see my father in law way down at the end taking pictures . I figure we have to be close to the finish if he 's on the course . So . . I make a promise to not walk anymore of the race and Yota and I start putting in the final kick of the race . We come to the end of that street and there is another man there who yells something at me . So I rip out an earbud and give him the universal look of " can you repeat that please " . He yells a time … 32 minutes . As I hear this and round the corner at the same time . . I can see the finish line . . I didn 't know it was so close . . holy cow . . I can actually meet my goal and PR this thing . As I cross the line I 'm pretty sure it says like 32 : 20something . I 'm way excited at this point . That did not feel like a PR race . At All . I 'll take it though . I hand off Yota to the inlaws for a minute so I can catch my breath . I grab some water and then we take Yota over to a water bowl while we wait for Andy . I ended up taking Yota back because he was just way too excited about the other people and other dogs . Now that I was done with my run , we could then use my father in laws phone ( that I was using on the run ) to track Andy on the course . That was a really cool feature . This way , we knew when to expect him . He had already come by of course and I later learned that he saw the clock at his 5k point and would have had an awesome 5k time as well . Despite that , he was doing the 10k . . so he got to do the course twice . I believe he wanted to finish in under an hour and when he came across the finish line , it was in the 54s . That was so exciting . We talked later about how easy the course felt and how good the race felt . It just seemed to come easy that day . Our official times came in at 54 : 42 for Andy and 32 : 17 for me . Once we visited for a bit after the race , we got back in the car to head back to Marietta . It was nice to have already run so that we could enjoy our weekend and pig out without guilt . Someone was knocked out on the way home . Now , Yota is part Bloodhound , but we are pretty positive he is part lab as well . He has similar looks to a lab , he LOVES ! Fetch with a passion ( possibly even more than eating ) , and when he was a puppy , he looked just like a lab . He also has black fur and his Bloodhound mother was a typical tan coloring . The only thing he didn 't seem to be a fan of was water . As a puppy , he loved the rain . Anytime it would rain he would beg to go out in it to play and he would get major zoomies . As he got older though , not so much . So this past May , we ran a 5k with him and they had doggie pools everywhere . He did not care to go in them at all . So finally at the end , we picked up his feet and made him at least stand in it . I think his feet must have been warm because he didn 't try to move . A few weeks later , at the dog park at Sesqui , I encouraged him to get in the doggie pools there , and he did ! He even layed down . From then on , he loved the pools . If we were playing fetch at the park , every few throws , he would run over to the pool , drop his ball and lay down in the water to cool off . It was perfect ! Towards the end of June , Andy got him a pool for at home and he loves it . He isn 't in it all the time , but when we play , he will sometimes go sit in it to cool off . At first he was timid . He played around with the other dogs on the grass and sand , but every time one would run into the water , he would stop at the edge . So finally , I told Andy to go get his tennis ball and I slipped off my flip flops and slowly walked with Yota into the lake . As long as I walk with him , he 's okay . So we stayed like that for a little while and I would get a little deeper every few minutes . . finally when I was up to about mid thigh , he got to a point that he couldn 't really touch anymore . So then he started jumping around . So we walked back up to the shore so that he could calm down again . About that time Andy got back with the ball and we started tossing it short distances into the water . Still where he could touch . Then we started tossing it further . The first time it went out of reach , he kind of panicked and looked back at us . So I walked into the water with him towards the ball . When we got to the point of no touch , he started jumping around and tried to get me to hold him . I told him now and tried to encourage his swimming . He swam a little to get the ball and then high tailed it back to shore . We kept doing this until eventually he was comfortable swimming on his own to go get the ball . This video says it all and if you 're a parent of a child or a furbaby , I think you can understand the excitement and pride we had for him . I really didn 't mean for this to get so long , but I just got to talking and rambled on . It was really an exciting day for all of us and I think it opened up a whole new world for him . It 's like he finally found another part of him ( the water loving lab part ) . 9May2010 Finishing School Posted in Uncategorized by Kristen Brumbaugh It 's official … I am out of class for the summer . I finished my last " exams " this week and I am free . It felt like such a big relief to get everything done . . now I just have to unload all of my paintings out of my backseat . I just can 't even describe the amount of relief I felt when I was done with school . It 's amazing . However , all of the pressure came back 100 % with work , design work , and the wedding . Now I am back to stressed , anxious Kristen . Yota and I have been attending obedience training the past two weeks … and … in some ways I know it helps because I can make him listen to me , but in others . . it 's not . When he is really going crazy … he doesn 't listen to anyone ! He just goes psycho ! I have to figure out something to keep him calm .

See my Tickled Pink Super Bells ? The ones on the left of the purple . . . the um . . . purple . . . um , well I don 't know what the purple ones are , but OF COURSE you can 't see my Tickled Pink Super Bells : Because the bunnies ate them . See my orange Impatiens ? Of course you can 't see them because , well I don 't know if the bunnies ate them or not but they are gone too . My neighbor has confirmed , however , that the bunnies have eaten my white clematis blooms : See ? No white clematis blooms . See that empty barren flower bed next to the clematis vines ? Well we decided we needed to dig up everything in this flower bed and start over . And when I say WE , I really mean * I * decided we needed to dig up everything in this flower bed and start over . So last Sunday evening we cleared out the whole bloomin ' mess . And when I saw WE cleared out the whole bloomin ' mess , I mean PAUL cleared out the whole bloomin ' mess , so we can start over . While I took Kayla out to practice driving . So the neighbors to the south of us , who happen to be VERY diligent lawn care people get to look at our dried up barren flower bed until we get busy and replace the old stuff . We have no idea what we 're going to put in there . I 'm thinking something in a nice elegant plastic . This poor neglected flower bed truly adds insult to injury for our very lawn - minded neighbors , because all winter and spring , they got to look at this , our side garage door : Yes , we have become THOSE neighbors . We are determined to bring down the property values on our cul - de - sac if it 's the last thing we do . When I was telling our neighbor how our freshly painted door began peeling almost immediately after the painter left , he said " Well , earlier in the spring I saw the Virgin Mary in it . " UH ! If he had told us that sooner we could have taken our door on tour and made some quick cash . But , now that I have accepted that there is no money to be made off my door , and now that the weather is fit for painting again , the door guy is here today to make good on his work . Unless , of course , any of you can see aPosted by Kayla 's Summer Youth League Softball team ( which is part of the Country Girls Softball League ) consists of girls who are entering grades 8 , 9 and 10 in the next school year . This makes Kayla and her friends the senior members of the team . As is appropriate with that status , they decided to approach their first game last night with all seriousness and maturity : * note the regulation socks . . . . Kayla - pitcher ; Maggie - catcher ; Becky - first base . As the younger members started arriving , I decided to find the " older " girls and encourage them to introduce themselves and make the younger girls feel welcome . In every high school sport my kids have participated in , I 've been very impressed with how the upperclassmen take the new kids under their wings and make them feel instantly like part of the team . This was true for football when Blake was a freshman and in both of the sports Kayla was involved in this year The juniors and seniors take the younger ones to dinner , they invite them to movies and cookouts , they offer them rides . It 's always been a very inclusive group no matter what the program . I wanted to encourage our girls to pay it forward with this kind of attitude . I was a little concerned however , when this is where I found the older girls : * Kayla , Shannon , Maggie , BeckyHey new girls ! Meet your team leaders . . . um . . . yeah . . . don 't listen to a thing they tell you . No need to worry , though . While we were in line for shaved ice after the game ( because it 's not summer until you 've had a shaved ice ) the mom of one of the younger girls told me how sweet it was that the older girls went up and down the bench and introduced themselves to the new ones and spoke to each younger player . She said she had been a little concerned that her daughter would be playing with high school students . Had she seen them on the playground earlier she might have packed her daughter up and driven away for good . . . . We have a flip flop lover in the house . She loves her flip flops so much she 'll actually take a new pair and rub them against her face and make little purring noises . Then when she 's done totally embracing the flip flop she 'll try them on and ask " Isn 't this , like , the BEST . COLOR . EV . VER ? " P . S . Kayla loves flip flops too . Kayla has finished her first year of high school softball . This week she will begin her final season of Summer Youth League softball . This . . . . . . is just beginning . While this : . . . is coming to an end . Seriously , how cute is she ? While the high school games are exciting and fast paced , there was something so sweet and fun about those early games when the girls could barely be trusted to run the bases in the right direction . The utter excitement of just being on the field with other girls was enough to make them giddy . At one game , when the girls were in about first grade , we watched one of our girls make it to second base and , because she was so excited to be there , she threw her arms around the second baseman and hugged her until they both nearly toppled over in a fit of giggles . Of course there was also the time , that same season , when our team staged a walk out in the middle of a game . There was thunder in the distance and the girls were getting nervous . " MOOOOOMMMMMYYYY ! " The third basement whined . " You 're fine , it 's just thunder and it 's far away . . . . " But she was not to be convinced . After a few more rumbles , she threw her glove to the ground and marched off the field . " I 'm NOT PLAYING in a storm ! " Soon the second basement abandoned her glove and followed her team mate . Then we lost our short stop . Within minutes half the team was in tears over the storm moving in . Which wasn 't actually moving in . It was then that the coaches - slash - dads all threw their hands up and called the game off . Perhaps the only thing worse than losing a game is losing your team . GAME CALLED DUE TO TEARS . It 's much different now . Now when bad weather moves in we sit on metal bleachers while our girls swing metal bats , surrounded by a chain link fence , and we listen to our girls say " They better not call this game . " " We totally could play in this . " " I hope we get to play in the rain . " " Yeah , we could , like , slide in the mud . " While we moms make comments like " If that ump had any sense at all , he 'd call this game right now . It 's foolish - FOHW A couple of weeks ago , a friend of mine actually said to me " I would rather go to the gynecologist than shop at the mall . " I was able to quickly set aside my shock - SHOCK ! I tell you - and think of a way that her attitude could benefit me . ME ME ME ME ME . So I said to her " Oh , well then . What are you doing on May 13th at 1 : 30 ? Because I think we can work something out . " Since I had an appointment today - you know , THAAAAT appointment - I thought I could go to the mall and shop for some fun sandals and a couple of flirty tops , and she could take my place in the stirrups . After all she said she 'd RATHER do that . I thought I had stumbled upon a great concept . Pap Smear by Proxy . During the civil war wealthy families could actually pay somebody to go fight in place of their men folk . This would be the same thing , except instead of any money changing hands it would be more of a barter system . You go see the doctor for me and I 'll check out the sale at Kohl 's for you . Sadly my friend and I never came to an agreement on the initiation of my proxy idea . Somehow I think she 's not as disappointed about that as I am . I surely must be the only housewife in the country who is constantly in trouble for keeping too much food in the house . A well stocked freezer ( or overstocked , depending on how you look at it ) really bothers Paul . REALLY . BOTHERS . HIM . There 's too much food in this house ! He grumbles when he opens the freezer . Yes dear . We are not buying any more groceries until we 've eaten everything in the freezer ! Yes , dear . Are we expecting a blizzard ? You complain now , but when that blizzard hits and we can 't get out for three days , who 's going to be complaining then ? Huh ? HUH ? This past Saturday , when I couldn 't be bothered to make lunch before heading to my cousin 's wedding , Paul dug out an old chicken pot pie . And since that was pretty good he dug out another one for lunch on Sunday . He has decided to take it upon himself to empty the freezer of all of our old food , one meal at a time . And turn his body into a science experiment while he does it . How old is that pot pie you 're eating ? I ask , my hand on the phone ready to dial 911 . Old . Yesterday morning , I noticed he was carrying a plastic bag out the door on his way to work . Oh , you 're taking your lunch today ? Yes . I 'm going to eat everything in the freezer that has expired . Because he 'd rather eat old food than throw it away . But then I noticed something red in the bag . Weight Watchers Smart Ones Red . But . . . . pfthhht . . . . UH ! . . . you can 't . . . . WHAT . ARE . YOU . DOING ? I 'm taking these frozen entrees to work so I 'll have lunch all week . Not my Weight Watchers meals you 're not . Don 't you be takin ' my Weigh Watchers Fruit Inspirations meals . They 're not old . Besides , I saw that ice cream you ate last night ; there 's no way you 're counting calories . PUT DOWN THE SACK AND STEP AWAY FROM THE FROZEN ENTREES . Fine . I 'll take these corn dogs . He says as he digs in the freezer all over again . I wouldn 't do that . The kids eat those after school . I mean if YOU want to tell the kids you 're eating all their corn dogs . . . . Well there 's gotta be something in here that has expired . MUST . EAT . OLD . FOOD . Come to think oPosted by I used to have this beautiful Willow Tree Nativity Set . In fact , I had it until this past Tuesday . I was walking through the garage on Tuesday morning , on my way to plant flowers , when I noticed an odd looking toy on the floor . Hmm . What 's this ? I asked my dog as I wandered over to investigate . Then my poor dog actually stuck her ears out , parallel to the ground , and cocked her head to one side when she heard the noises that came out of my throat . Nyaaaah ! I whined as I picked up the camel 's head . Looking around , I saw the carnage scattered all over the garage floor , even under the van . Noooo ! I had found the back end of the camel . Oh Lord ! not the shepherd boy - as I cradled his dismembered arm in my hand . Finally , among the pieces that couldn 't be identified , I found the ear of a little black lamb . Why ? Why ? Why ? Seems the box containing the nativity set had fallen from the storage shelves in the garage , shattering several supporting cast members of the nativity . I decided there was not a lot to do about it until July when the stores start putting out their Christmas decorations . Paul , however , had different ideas . He went online to see what he could do to replace my treasures . Turns out he was able to buy a Willow Tree Nativity Companion Kit that contains a camel , a shepherd boy and two little black lambs . And just like that , he ordered it for me . What , I ask you , do you do with a man as sweet as that ? Listen to this . . . Our minister asked if we might be interested in helping with a class on parenting . You know , now that we have teenagers , we might have some helpful tidbits to impart to those in an earlier phase of this parenting journey . I can hear it now : Paul and Heidi what can you tell us about being effective parents ? * crickets * Um . . . Well . . . . gee . . . . uh . . . D ' oh ! * rolling eyes heavenward searching for words * Hmmm . . . . * scratching forehead * Let us get back to you on that . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * On another note . I have also recently found out that said minister has come across my blog and reads it occasionally . * gulp * Now I am frantically searching my archives for anything mean , cruel or inappropriate that I may have typed . I know I called some Las Vegas prostitute a tramp once right here on this blog . See , she had gone on the morning news shows and said the great thing about this country was that she could build a business of her own and become financially successful , while serving the needs of countless men . So I went on this rant and let my fingers get carried away on the keyboard and actually called her a tramp . Maybe twice . * hanging head in shame . * And then there 's the time I said " hellacious , " because that 's the kind of evening I was having . But at least then I asked my ones of readers if I could say " hellacious , " on this blog , before actually using the word " hellacious . " A few times . I don 't even want to think about the time I wrote crap crap crap - TWICE - because my papers blew out of my hands and into a muddy field right outside Staples , causing me to run through that muddy field trapping papers with my feet and wiping who - knows - what off of them before I requested 100 copies of each . As much as I try to keep this blog - o - mine rated " G , " sometimes I let my snarky side shine through . And look where that 's landed me ? What do you do when you are having a wedding reception on prom night and you need somebody to shuttle your guests back and forth between the reception site and their cars ? Why , you hire three 17 - year - old boys who have no interest in going to prom , of course . * Drew , Blake , CodyThe cousin of one of Blake 's classmates was recently married in his homeland of Greece . They held their reception two nights ago and , since Blake and his friends were free , they agreed to be the parking attendants - slash - shuttle drivers for the evening . Because , really , if you need somebody to drive a golf cart back and forth through your neighborhood , is there a better person for the job than a teenage boy ? But wait . What if any of those guests get out of line ? No problem . They 'll just pull out the big sunglasses and show ' em who 's boss . Hey Blake - CHiPs called . Ponch wants his shades back . Two years ago Kayla sprained her ankle during track practice ; she ended up on crutches . The injury itself was not as painful as the nurse 's orders , however . " No flip flops ! " she told the heartbroken patient . Because Paul wasn 't with me at the doctor 's office for that injury , I said we 'd take some crutches from them and they could bill us . Poor Kayla . If her father had been with us that day , he would have carved two tree branches into " Y " shapes and made her hobble around like an injured character from Gunsmoke . A couple weeks ago , Kayla injured her foot while sliding into home during a softball game . And , no , she wasn 't safe . After another visit to the clinic and an x - ray , she was ordered to be on crutches for at least four days . The crutches I had bought two years ago , however , were too short for her . " Walgreen 's has crutches . I checked , " I told Paul . " I 'm not buying a new set of crutches for her to use for four days , " he replied , clutching his wallet to his chest , as he dug a new hole in which to bury it . " Honey , she 's a freshman . There WILL be more injuries . I promise you we 'll get our money 's worth out of them if we buy new crutches , " I reasoned . But he was not to be swayed . After one day on crutches which were too short for her , however , Kayla gained the sympathy of her father , who agreed to get her a pair that fit . He marched into the school office and asked the secretary if they keep crutches on hand for sports injuries . Sure enough , the trainer had some crutches . Sure enough , Paul was able to find a way to get our daughter free medical equipment , which is being stored in our dining room . I like to call this decorating style " orthopedic chic . " When we were explaining the free crutches to a friend of ours , he said " Oh you should have come to me . We have crutches of all sizes , " as his hand climbed an imaginary staircase to illustrate the options we would have . Between him and our friends who bring antibiotics back from Mexico , we might never have to see a doctor again . Posted by Yesterday I was back in our little grade school again to make another ArtPals presentation . The print I introduced to them was Prince Balthazar Carlos on a Pony by Diego Velasquez - painted in 1634 - 1635 . Riveting , huh ? Since the painting was of a little prince on a horse , I decided to take some fabric that would show the children the kinds of things a prince might wear in that time . I took some satin and velvet , some golden ribbon . In the first classroom , I held up the fabric and explained that this was the kind of fabric a little prince 's clothes might have been made of . Then I handed the soft and shiny fabric to a little boy and told the kids to pass it up and down the rows so everybody could handle it . Because little ones like to touch things . Let me just say . My mind is no longer in tune with that of a seven year old . I don 't know if my mind could ever have been prepared for what I saw these children do to that fabric . Each child took the fabric and ran his or her little hand over it while making cute little ooh , ahh noises . And then each child put the fabric up to his or her cute little face and proceeded to wipe it across said face like a towel . One little boy decided to run the fabric across his head after he 'd wiped his face on it . I . . . I just . . . It 's just that . . . Um . . . er . . . . I was paralyzed . I was struck dumb . As the fabric made it 's way up and down the rows , having suddenly been turned into a communal bath towel , all I could think of was the swine flu . If any of those kids was feeling the least bit fluish I was going to start craving corn cobs and watermelon rinds by midnight . I really don 't want to get sick . Boys and Girls , do NOT put the fabric on your face or heads . Please , just touch the fabric with your hands . No , not on your face . Keep it in your hands . NOT THE FACE ! ! ! ! But the pull was too great . Once the first child had put the fabric on his face , no amount of pleading or threatening , was going to keep the other children from putting it on their faces . Guess what . The other classes didn 't get to touch the fabric .

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Percival again tries to track the book which leads us to a small house . Mage McStealy is ours ! We hatch a plan to assault the house under the cover of darkness . Sorob , not being the quietest burglar , awakens the house 's occupants while breaking in . The initial room is filled with magic items , which Sorob bypasses and runs upstairs . A small figure , not at all like Mage McStealy , stands at the top . The little wizard freezes the party and disappears . As most of us rush upstairs , Sorob stays downstairs and is engulfed in a fireball . Diago spots a cord upstairs and for a reason not explained to this day , decides to pull it . The entire house explodes in a fireball , killing Percival instantly and burying the rest of us . Shalia , Timeria , and Diago drag Percival 's body away as Sorob is surrounded by city guards and dragged off to the Watch Tower . We feel Sorob is probably safe for now and go about trying to aid Percival . After much persuasion by Diago , I finally agree to reincarnate the bastard . It appears his evil actions have caught up to him , and Percival returns as a dire corby - a hideous bird creature . While plotting on how to rescue Sorob , a strange dwarf balancing on a ball offers his aid . The name is Ulrik Chillforge . Lacking anyone capable of standing up to a melee fight , we accept . Disturbing . We head back to the scene of the explosion to investigate , and see the little wizard , surrounded by toughs , packing up a wagon of goods . Ulrik questions the wizard , who never got a good look at anyone but Sorob . It turns out he recently purchased a golden tome for a staggering small amount of money from Mage McStealy . He agrees to show the party the tome , informing us it is no longer magical but once was . Apparently it enhanced one 's intellect beyond all comprehension . I convinced the guard - gnoll at the tower to give us information and leave in exchange for gold . He provided very few details about what was inside , just that we should be careful . We wind our way through a series of twists , turns , and traps . Eventually we make our way to Mage McStealy , who is ready and waiting for us . And who is dutifully and quickly dispatched by Timeria before he even had a chance to unleash his most potent spells . We question the city about the mage 's whereabouts and name . Turns out it is Mage McStealy . Next time we 're asking for names first . Having no idea where the wizard went , we decide to head to the next kingdom over , and head towards Marbleville . On the way we encounter the entourage of the king , King Bic . Sorob 's unwillingness to give way surprisingly does not lead to a fight . Rather , we get to question the guards where a powerful wizard might go . The guard captain , Twibbles , tells us of a city in a desert far to the west . Our path is clear . And blocked by a river , cross - able only by a ferry , blocked by the Badass Gang . We should call them the Dumbass Gang , because they decided to pick a fight with Sorob . Soon after , their headless bodies were tossed into the river , and we wait for the ferry to return . It does so in the morning with twelve dwarven guards seeking justice for the Gang 's sacking of a caravan . If we could have come up with the bodies ( now far downstream ) there might have been a reward . That might also have required Sorob to give up the 700 gp he took from the Gang - but the dwarves need not know that . Once we reach Marbleville , the proprietor of the Golden Horn informs us a mage matching our description - carrying a large , heavy satchel . He was headed west on the Forest Road . I help Diago buy some Shadow Armor . We also buy the one real horse they have , Snickerdoodle , and rename it Wilbur . We decide now is the time to leave Gofeld . We head out towards the port city of Mytum . We learn there is an underwater city in the lake that if found would make us rich and famous . Instead we decide to head to Tugon , a less table region than our current Elmir . We find a cave that appears inhabited , and Sorob breaks through the barred door . Inside is a large cavern with a waterfall . It is clear this cavern has been used by a large carnivore based on the animal carcasses littering the floor . While distracted , creatures with the bodies of men and heads of lobsters emerge from the water and attack . We dispatch them twice : once alive and once undead ( damn amulet ) . I turn into an otter and dive into the water , but the current is too strong and I get sucked away down an underwater cave . The rest of the party soon follows and we find ourselves in a new cavern , battling an ochre jelly . After dispatching it , we journey down another corridor until we dead end into a locked door . After breaking through , we accost the duergar inhabitants , making short work of them as well . While I recovered from my wounds , the rest of the party defeated the cyclops the duergar were keeping as a guard - pet . We then proceed to take out a nest of large spiders . Finally , we head back to the duergar town and find an orphaned duergar , Barness , behind a locked door . Feeling compassion for her , I convince her to come with us and let us protect her until we can find her a new home . As it turns out , I need to protect her as much from Sorob and Percival as from the dangers of this world . Working our way out of the cavern , we encounter a small blue dragon . Sorob is quickly dropped and Barness mauled when she tries to help . Ultimately , Timeria finishes the dragon off . I decide to heal the dying Barness first before turning to aid Sorob . This choice angers Sorob . In the dragon 's horde we find a magical tome made entirely out of gold , that none of us can identify . We head out of the cavern by way of a mine cart . Once to the surface , Percival proposes killing Barness - I say no . We find a small hut with a gnome merchant , Mr . Mister , who informs us we are in the Kingdom of Hugon , an unruly and dangerous land led by a dwarf king named Twenty . We decide to head east to the nearest large city : Kreeteekall . We head east . That night Percival is pounced on by some large creature , almost killing him . In the desperate fight for our lives , Barness is killed . While I was digging a grave for the duergar girl , Percival , annoyed at the digging sounds , decides to burn her out of spite . In anger , I lash out with a flaming sphere , nearly killing Percival . I hesitate to stabilize him , but threats of violence from Sorob change my mind . With Percival stabilized but unconscious , I finish the grave . The next night we are chased by what appeared to be a large elemental . It was only as the sun was rising in the west and we made it close to the city that the creature disappeared . We have reached Kreeteekall . Once inside , we ask who is a powerful wizard and get directed to a large tree - like tower . The wizard 's golem lets us in , and the wizard informs us that for 3 , 000 gp he would identify the tome . Thinking this is too much , we say no . Before we leave , however , the wizard tells us he knows what Sorob 's amulet is . After selling some loot and mulling the cost , we decide to negotiate and head back . We get the wizard down to 2 , 000 gp - and he will identify the amulet . However , Sorob refuses to take it off . Percival tries to charm him but gets a fist to the face in return . After the scrap , we notice the unnamed wizard has vanished … with our golden book . Shit . After defeating Taumil for a second - time in his dream world , Diago infiltrates the Grand Circle , which impresses grandmaster Alar enough that he lets us all in . We learn that the way to join the Grand Circle is to make our names known and then be invited to join by another member . We leave to do just that . After journeying to a nearby village , we learn at the local tavern that a crazy clown accompanied by mites and terrifying children overran and destroyed the nearby village of Georgetown . Harold , the mayor of the town we are in , decides to flee with the villagers to a safe location despite our best efforts at persuading the villagers to stay and fight . While I tried to help , I still do not understand the foolish ways of these city - dwellers . I think I might have hurt our cause with my gust of wind . Nevertheless , we convince five of the villagers to make a stand with us , including Henry of Georgetown . The clown came in the night . We fortified the stone inn , but even our preparations were not enough to combat the Mitiest 's hammer that took down a main support , killing two of the villagers . As we pull ourselves from the rubble , Sorob plants himself in front of the grinning Taumil , and with one swing finally takes the head off that evil clown . Finally victorious , we leave the ruins of the inn to find the villagers . On the way we overcome a woodland rogue , Redbrow the Pirate , and manage to find a hunk of star stone . Finding the villagers in Gofeld , Henry relays the story of our victory . Utterly grateful for saving what we could of their town , the villagers vow to spread word of our great deed . We learn that no one can work our star stone here , so we decide to hide the heavy rock in the woods for later retrieval . Finding a unique dead tree shaped like a K , I woodshape the rock inside for protection . One day something grand will be made of that stone . Returning to Gofeld , Sorob slaughters a man , Miller , who comes back as a zombie . As the rest of the party flees , Sorob is apprehended by the city guards and questioned - eventually by city captain Traphis . I remember this particular guard sliding into the bay after giving chase to me , so I make myself scarce . The morning air felt colder - likely remnants of that vivid " dream . " Yet , with nothing else to do , we continued on down the coast . The following day was uneventful outside of stumbling across an abandoned hut which Percival proceeded to loot and burn down . I may have my fears , but he sometimes appears to be operating one nut shy of an acorn . In any case , that evening found us under a giant tree … The chill down my spine I suddenly felt on my watch was familiar and had nothing to do with the temperature . But before I could process the feeling , a dart zipped out of the woods , sticking painfully into my shoulder . At least my vocal chords were unfrozen , " Wake up you fools ! " The others awoke , blinked their eyes of sleep and squinted as my light spell illuminated several shapes moving amongst the trees about 20 strides away . Mites ! But not the blue - skinned ones we had recently faced , but equally grotesque yellow - skinned horrors . As we counter attacked , one of them started jerking until it exploded in a yellow mist of puss . That seemed to deflate the rest and we made short work of them . Outside of washing the puss off , the chill was gone and the rest of the night went by peacefully . It was midday when we found our destination : a large castle on a small island connected to land by a three pace wide and one hundred pace long stone bridge . Following their usual methodology , Pervical and Sorob decided the " welcome " sign ( " Grand Circle - Members only , absolutely no admittance , enter at own risk " ) would look better in the sea . While the eight and a half foot tall earth golem guarding the other end of the bridge seemed nonplussed by the petty vandalism , it did take offense at any attempt to cross the bridge and seemed otherwise undeterred by Oedinn 's attempt to grease it into the water . Discretion being the better part of valor , our hearty group fled down the beach away from the golem only to discover , at least without further provocation , it would not set foot on the land . Clearly we needed to sleep on our next options . We returned to the bridge as the morning broke , only to find it unguarded and the gates opened . My trepidation at our apparent good fortune is overridden as my companions stroll into the castle courtyard as if they own the place . Percival strolled to the nearest door and confidently knocked . However , I was troubled by a vague feeling of familiarity about the castle and realization dawned on me the instant before Percival kicked the opening door , knocking down a little , black - eyed girl . Her sobs were covered up by a booming voice from the castle walls , " Stop that right now ! " A crashing noise sounds from another door to the courtyard . While I was distracted , the black - eyed girl in the doorway attempted to grab Percival , but not before taking a quarrel from Percival 's crossbow between the eyes . Our brief victory was quickly forgotten as a grossly oversized mite riding a praying mantis burst through the door . With a leap , the mantis landed on top of Sorob , grabbed him and was about to do its best impression of post - mating behavior when Timeria plowed into its side and ripped apart the mantis 's neck . My arrow caught the mite in the side as it leapt from its dismembered mount , but rather than sinking it , the arrowhead simply broke from the shaft . Crap , what kind of freak of nature were we fighting ? As Sorob regained his feet and engaged that mightiest of mites , my next arrow took the laughing jester in the side . With a laugh ( " Really , you fool ! " ) the jester jumped into the arena . And then things got strange . The jester whacked Oedinn with his scepter , but rather than appearing hurt , Oedinn simply broke down into chuckles . Dodging jets of fire from Percival 's hands , the jester thumped Percival across the brow ; an injury that put both Percival and Oedinn into hysterics . With our wizards otherwise distracted , Sorob takes the Mitiest down while Timeria turns her fangs on the jester . Whatever enchantment that was put upon the wizards broke , as Percival became noticeably uglier . The jester soon learned that one makes a dwarf laugh against the dwarf 's wishes at one 's own peril ; Oedinn smote the jester into a pile of nothing and took the jester scepter for his own ! After a journey to Kamush that almost ended in death for Sorob and Percival ( thanks to Shanaynay 's cowardice and unwillingness to commit Timeria to battle , even when she was healthier than the hero 's ) , the party set out across the desert to the capital on Mage McSteely 's trail . After an uneventful trip , Percival used his magical powers to pinpoint the location of the mystical golden tome , and presumably the nefarious thief as well . The party will rest up and wait for the trailing members to catch up before mounting a heroic effort to recapture their property and to bring Mage McDouchy to justice ! Foolishly undeterred , we gathered rations and set off along the coast . After the first day of uneventful travel and my lucky location of a protective cave for the night , we were feeling pretty good . That was a feeling fated not to last . I " awoke " to find Timeria , Sorob and I standing in the middle of a desert looking at a drawbridge over a moat surrounding a castle . No lights or people could be seen in the castle . However , my spells detected no magic . A disembodied " Yes ? " answered Sorob 's booming " Hello ! " No other statement was forthcoming as I felt a chill rush through my body . With no other option behind us , we tentatively headed under the walls to find a black eyed girl waiting for us with the eery greeting " Welcome , would you like to come in ? " I asked " What are you , who are you , and where are we ? " And she responded " You ask a lot of questions . I am hungry . " before withdrawing through the only door off the courtyard . Nothing of this felt right . Nothing . Yet Sorob was undeterred , and willingly entered the keep to find a big room with a long table brimming with food and a crackling hearth . The eerie music coming from within was the last straw - I was not going to set foot in that room . My heart near stopped as the little girl said from beside me , " Why don 't you come in ? " I instinctively drew my scimitar but did not attack . I did not sheath it during my subsequent questioning . The girl is Vanessa who lives here with her " dad . " If she and her siblings ( hell , siblings ? ? ) throw a party , her " dad " comes home . She did not know how she got here and she seemed surprised that anyone would want to leave . Every once in awhile new people come and join the party . Timeria let out a low growl and I turned to see these " new people " - all black - eyed children - standing behind me . They ask together " is it dinner time ? " That was it for me . I rushed to the gate , only to find the portcullis closed . At my demands that the children open the gate , they responded " we cannot open it . " Rather than help , Sorob ignored me and started dancing inside . So much for backup … Finally Sorob acts on my suggestion to leave , but finds his way to the door blocked by the 20 black - eyed children . With no other options , Sorob attacked the jester as children started to grab at him . Sorob slashed the jester 's shoulder but began laughing hysterically after the jester countered with his scepter . Using my newly acquired ring , I hit the jester with a magical force , slamming him away from Sorob . Sorob dashed for the door , slashing grabbing " children " on his way . Their black blood pooled on the floor as Sorob and the jester fought once again . We continued our assault on the jester as Sorob backed through the door , only to have the jester say " Y ' all no fun anymore " and close it on us . Sorob opened the door to see the Captain standing there asking " What the hell is going on ? " We quickly closed the door and opened it again . This time it is Percival , " What the hell are you doing ? Wake up ! " The trip back to Gofeld was quick despite being loaded down with Beat 's loot . On a related note , I must admit , my new cloak does look quite fetching on me . After a quick stop at the market , we went searching for Manly Steve . The Dirty Skirts proprietor , Kristy , said he had left town , but told us how to get to the Grand Circle . After a quick celebratory drink ( I , perhaps uncharacteristically , bought a round for the tavern ) , we went searching for a boat to take us down the King 's Stream . That was until a girl came running from a home shouting " Grandma started killing mom ! " I had to resist the urge to rip the amulet from Sorob 's neck … but we stopped to question the girl . Apparently her Grandma had been very sick until just then when she grabbed the girl 's mother and bit her in the face . Onlookers started running to get the guards but Diago wished to play the hero and dashed inside . I kept walking towards the harbor . It has been well over a couple months since our last run - in with the city guards , but I did not think it good odds that a female elven druid and her wolf would not be remembered . After negotiating for passage on a transport vessel called " Titanic " I waited for my companions ' return . It was not long until Diago and Sorob sauntered up , newly splattered with blood . It turned out that " Grandma " had indeed become a flesh - eating zombie and " Mom , " along with one of the two city guards who went in , was no more . I made one last attempt to convince Sorob to remove the amulet , but he seemed aghast at the very idea … I fear whatever the amulet is it may be gaining a hold on our fearsome warrior . At the very least we all seemed to be in agreement that our quick exit from the city was the most advisable course of action , even if being stuck on a ship with 100 other passengers plus crew could lead to similar complications . We boarded the Titanic with a prognostic feeling of foreboding . Knowing it was a several day journey to Ellim 's Reach , I managed to convince the crew to let me sleep in the dingy on the deck rather than one of the dark and cramped , albeit private , cabins . It was a wonder that I heard Sorob shouting from his cabin that very night . I rushed to his aid to see Sorob tying up two devilish little creatures ; I immediately recognized them as mites , having seen the creatures emerge from some of the deeper caves in the forest . Sorob had awoken in the middle of the night to find them sneaking up on him despite his cabin door being locked . While he was able to subdue them despite being stabbed , none of our troop were able to understand the creatures . We were left clueless as to how or why they attacked our companion . Those were questions destined to be left unanswered . The creatures disappeared from the locked cell the captain threw them into and no trace of them was found on the boat . Being proficient in the art of conjuration , I became convinced the mites must have been summoned by one of the boat 's passengers . Sorob thought it was Percival who fervently denied it . However a thorough sweep of the boat led to identifying only three passengers that possessed magical items : a young man named Jake with a " lucky pouch " , a large man with dark skin called Reginold who possessed a ring giving him remarkable reflexes , and a attractive lady who refused to give us a name . After the Captain , Sorob and I questioned the trio , the only thing I was certain of was that the Lady was not a magic user ; an opinion not shared by Sorob . The city awoke the next day , surprisingly calm . Apparently Sorob 's stint in the graveyard failed to awaken any of the city 's dead . Perhaps it only works on the recently deceased ? While I am still convinced the amulet is the source of our troubles , Sorob is as unwilling as ever to part with the thing . Knowing the source of our troubles has not been solved , what do we do ? Well , Percival decided to get a drink at the whorehouse . I could not say I was surprised , but , for once , his love of diseased women ( men ? ) and ale brought us good luck . No sooner had he ordered a pint but the doors burst open and a man swaggered into the tavern shouting , " Drinks are on me ! " It turns out this " Manly Steve " had just returned from trouncing bugbears and raiding their treasure stash . Percival , diplomatic as always , although I suspect hurt from Manly Steve rejecting his advances , decided to make it rain on Steve … multiple times . After Percival was shown the door , we found out that Steve was part of the " Grand Circle " - an elite club of adventurers with their headquarters on the Eastern Ocean . Only the greatest adventurers get invited to join ; Steve boasted he took down a black dragon single handedly . Needless to say , we were intrigued . Sensing our interest , I believe the man likes attention , Steve gave us a box with the words " sing to me " carved in it as well as a depiction of a bar scene . Apparently Steve was unable to open the thing , and was more than willing to pass the frustration onto some other group . For the next several hours , we tried singing individually , getting the bar to sing , going to the Golden Wares for information , and finally returning to the bar . I think the drink had gotten to Steve , because when Percival walked back into the Dirty Skirts , rather than toss him out , Steve asked Percival to identify a dagger with Goblinoid written on it . When Steve found out it was non - magical , he gave it to Percival . Hoping this may be some clue , we went to the local scroll shop , the Magic Squirrel . The shopkeep knew Goblin , but Percival , rather than showing the dagger to him , purchased a scroll , took the time to learn a new spell , just to read " Beats Magical Dagger . " Maybe Goblin 's have a funny sense of humor ? I suspect they are just dumb . Well , apparently this triggered an idea in Percival and Diago 's heads . After several failed attempts , Diago succeeded at singing a strange sounding song to the box . It opened to reveal a … blank piece of parchment . We took it outside to ponder it in the bright light . Nothing came to us , but , amazingly , after about an hour a map was revealed directing us to the mountain ranges to the west of Gofeld ! There was also writing on the map , reading : I led the group for two days through the pouring rain to a large stepped pyramid in the middle of the woods in the shadow of the mountains . We entered through the door at the base to find ourselves in darkness . After lighting up the interior , we saw a maze of stepped platforms leading to a door on a far wall - nothing was below the platforms but darkness . Diago fearlessly lept to the first platform … and fell into the darkness after missing the second . Amazingly unharmed and un - phased , he ran from behind us to try again . And again . And again . And … again . Hours passed as I tired to convince Diago if we only wait one day , I could prepare a spell to make his life easier . Fatigue must have gotten the best of him . The next morning , I cast my spell and Diago quickly made it to the far side , creating a path for all of us to follow . We suspected we may have completed " Fallen from the Sky . " The statue of a man in a tunic and pants delayed us for awhile as we made various offerings to it . It was not until we inadvertently cast two spells on the statute that the way opened . While we thought it was Water for the Shrine or Treasure for the Man , it turned out to be " Two Blessings . " The next room showed how quickly my comrades are willing to devolve into barbarians . After messing with the bowl of water on the pedestal in the middle of the room , the four men decided to pee in it . What is with them and urine ? Well , this counted as " Four Seas . " We moved through the door to find a room with a pile of coins ; a pile quickly snatched up by Percival and Oedinn . After putting the gold back , we tried adding to it to no avail . Eventually Percival decided to throw a coin into the air where , upon hitting the ceiling , it turned into water . We did this with the rest of the gold and a door opened . " Water for the Shrine . " The door opened into a room with nothing but a big wall . Sorob showed that muscle has its use , chipping a large enough hole in the wall after hours of chopping . " Break the Mountain " we did . The last room contained a plaque that read " The End . " What the hell ? We just spent days making our way through this blasted pyramid to find nothing ? Well , as we sat and pondered what our next move would be , the wall disappeared to reveal tables overflowing with treasure . The last lesson , like one of the first , must have been " Patience . " There was nothing else to do ; by running we quickly outdistanced the creatures . Only it was not long until we came upon a second battle with more of the creatures ; a battle that was quickly brought to an end by a large man and an equally imposing half - elf . The more dashing figure with a rapier introduced himself as Diago Woffoen , while the giant wielding a falchion grunted " Sorob " in response to inquiries about his name . There is safety in numbers , so we accompanied them and their cart full of cloth back to Nabon . In Nabon we convinced the pair to accompany us back to Selca to find Rick , rid the town of zombies , and get our reward . Diago seems good company , but Sorob seems strangely familiar … Well , we learned from our past mistakes ; it was best to finish the zombies off at range . Our larger group easily made it through town , where I finished off three of the creatures with my bow . With our quarrels and arrows , Percival and I made short work of the few zombies inside the courtyard . Inside , there were more zombies , including our recent companion , Boros . Boros bludgeoned Sorob unconscious before the rest of our party managed to take the creatures down . For reasons known only to him , Percival decided to take Boros 's head as well as his possessions . We found no other zombies in the keep , but we did uncover the body of Rick Tulong ; killed by a trap in the basement . In addition to massive quantities of treasure , including an old crown , and a magic amulet , mace and book , we took Rick 's head hoping that Talow would still reward us . I also gained a new longbow ! With two rotting heads , we returned to Nabon . Which leaves me to ask , what am I doing ? I did not expect to become a delivery person carrying human ( and no - longer - human ) body parts halfway across the world . What is this teaching me ? Hopefully I will figure that out . I need experience to gain wisdom , but is this the type of experience I should be having ? Oh well … Our third day out we spotted another ship fast approaching us from behind . We learned its attention when an archer onboard dropped one of our sailors into the sea . I returned fire , but did not drop their archer until after our ship was rammed from behind . Diago made a fantastic leap onboard the enemy vessel while Percival dropped three into a deep sleep . The enemy captain was quickly taken down , but his large , bald companion and the rest of the crew took more work . We lost several sailors to the fight . I did not have long to ponder this when Charlie started yelling that our ship was sinking . We sprung into action in an attempt to save it … well all except Diago who had run off looking for treasure on the pirate ship . Sorob and I managed to push the two boats apart as the crew bailed and attempted to patch the hole . I was ready to abandon ship and sail on the pirate vessel , when the crew managed to patch the hole . However , sounds of fighting brought us back to the deck . The formerly dead pirates and sailors had risen and were attacking Charlie and the remaining sailors . I thought we left the undead back in Selca ? What was bringing them back ? I needed to know . In a bout of foolishness , Pervical informed Captain Charlie we had come from Selca . Upon learning this piece of information , Charlie refused to take us any further . Pervical redeemed himself by knocking Charlie out with a burst of color , as we intimidated the rest of the crew into backing down . I helped , oh yes : I was not going to be left at sea . Luckily we only needed words to convince the rest of the crew to take us back to Ashmal in exchange for the pirate ship . I needed to know why those bodies came back from the dead ; the thought of it happening at any time greatly troubled me . In Ashmal I convinced the others to visit a priest and see if any of our prizes were cursed . Having been given the crown , I paid for its inspection . Percival called me foolish , saying it had no magic properties . However , I am not familiar with wizard magic and needed certainty . The others refused to pay to have their items similarly checked and left . We stayed overnight as a storm rolled in . The next morning we set out for Gofeld , passing a prince on the road . Rather than head back to Mallard , Percival and Sorob went to the Golden Wares merchant . After haggling , we settled on a price of 2 , 600 gold for the ring ; I went along with it in exchange for a promise by Pervical to get the other items identified by a priest . A priest at the Temple of Skadi showed a great interest in the Amulet , stating it is a relic of his religion and of great value . He refused to share much of the information about it , but informed us it is a tool used to bring ruin to those who cause ruin . It was used to destroy the invaders of Selca , and was a great victory for the priest of Macab . Sorob , however , refused to part with it for the 3 , 000 gold offer . Instead he heads to other temples to find more information - information no one else is able to give us . Despite Pervical and my heated attempts to get him to sell the amulet , Sorob held onto it . I fear this will be the death of us - or at least of Sorob . Apparently Boros , Percival and I had a similar idea ; after a night of dodging through shadows and hiding from guards , we managed to meet back up in the common room of Charlie 's Tavern and Inn . While we waited for night to fall again , Percival regaled us with the tale of escaping his guard , also leading him to the western shore of the river . While less forthcoming about his motives to commit arson , we learned the night blaze was the result of the Nautical Shop where the street urchin had hid going up in flame . That man seems to thrive on chaos . We set out as the sun set , hoping to make it across the river and out the western wall . That hope was short lived as we were forced to detour down an alley to get away from some guards on the bridge . It seems that luck was on our side , as behind the locked door at the end of the alley were some " friends " of Rick Tulong . Apparently the guy got around and had amassed a substantial gambling debt to a certain man named " Talow . " Turns out Talow was also looking for Rick , and he offered us 20 % of the 500 gold debt if we brought Rick back within the week . More on that later , but that turned out to be a tall order . Boros managed to find a use for some of his ill - begotten gains by buying a " drink " at the Dirty Skirts ; a drink that came with information that Rick had set sail to Ashall on a ship called the " Swift River . " While debating whether we should pursue Rick by ship or shoe , Boros once again showed his knack for the spectacular when he tried to pickpocket a group of guards . Luckily they passed him off as a drunkard and let him go . In the end , shoe won out , as we made plans for what could have been a dangerous encounter at the city gates the following morning . At least we were out of that cesspool of a city and back on the open road … or at least we would have if the road were not on the other side of the river . I could not leave Timeria behind , so the East Gate was our only option ! Well , we had neither wagons nor horses , so what did it matter if we must do a little trailblazing ? Well , it apparently mattered . The east side of the river was patrolled by a band of brigands . It was not too long into the day when we were offered " help " by the merry band of seven from onboard their riverboat . When it comes down to fight or flight , this was a time for flight . I summoned a wall of fog to block our retreat while my brave cohorts took off ( Percival at an astonishing speed ) . Luckily the archers ' arrows did not find our backs as we made a beeline for the forest . The lesson was learned , however , and we stayed closer to the tree line as we continued upriver and camped for the night . It was not long into the next day when we encountered the boat from the day before pulled up to shore , seemingly abandoned . Considering the kind greeting from the day before , we felt no shame in deciding to part the brigands from their mode of transportation . Our attempt to sneak aboard the boat proved unsuccessful , as we found ourselves surrounded - three archers came running towards us from the tree line . These brigands were soon to learn you do not surround a wolf . Boros , Percival , Timeria and I leapt aboard the boat . I called the vines and thistles of the field to entangle the archers running toward us while the three remaining bandits and the captain burst out from the cabin . Timeria bore the captain to the ground , while the archers realized their daggers were no use against our armed band . Boros finished off the prone captain , while Percival dropped two more into a deep slumber . The only other remaining bandit on the boat fell to the cuts dealt him by Boros and me . During the commotion on the boat , one of the shore - bound bandits managed to get behind Percival , but his failed attack was quickly met with reprisal while one of my arrows found the heart of his comrade . The remaining bandit took off running , but Timeria was faster . There was no saving him by the time I caught up . When I got back to the boat , I found one of the bandits tied up . After relieving the fallen of their possessions ( the dead have no use of objects made for the living ) , noticing a wagon driven by a dwarf quickly pass by on the other side of the river , and setting the boat free ( we are not sailors ) we set about questioning the remaining man . He identified himself as Sumi and said he was only following the captain 's plan . The man was a half - wit and posed no threat alone , so I suggested we set him free . Percival and Boros had a different plan . As I attempted to stop Percival from murdering the captive , Boros slit Sumi 's throat . I do not grieve for him , but the action was unnecessary . Best not to dwell on it . It took another day or so but we made it to Ashmall and headed to the nearest shop to lighten our load . 200 GP richer , we bumped into the wagon - dwarf , name of Oedinn . It seems our dear employer Mallard had been making deals with other adventurers , as this fellow was also after Rick and his stolen " magic ring . " Well , that is news we pondered as we all made our way to the docks . It turns out the Swift River docked two days ago , but Rick caught a second boat headed across lake Shaltpheesh to Nabon . It was at this point we realized there was no way we were going to get back in a week . But , that is ok . I do not want to return to that city anyway . Swift River was to depart herself for Nabon the following day , so we booked our passage . Oedinn happily parted with his donkey and wagon for passage plus a tidy 5 gp profit . All that stood between us and our continued search for Rick was one uneventful evening . Well , it was uneventful for most of us . Boros decided he needed to acquire some herbs to craft poisons out of and headed into the night . He was not forthcoming on the details , but he found us on the ship the next morning missing all his gold and both his rapiers . Thanks to his newfound moneylender , Percival , Boros was able to re - equip himself for the rough two - day voyage that was ahead of us . The primal scream of pain and horror should have been our first alert to be careful . Lighting the way with magic pebbles , we drew inside the keep . The first few rooms were filled with cobwebs and in clear disrepair . We came to a decision point - either head down into the basement , or up the stairs and through the double doors at the top . The door downstairs bothered me , so I stayed in the rear . Despite , or maybe because of , the shuffling noise coming from inside , Boros kicked the door down as we are confronted with the dead eyes and rotting flesh of 15 " people . " In a matter of moments , Boros fumbled his sword , losing it to the throng as Oedinn is bludgeoned unconscious . As I prayed to the Goddesses to stabilize Oedinn , Boros suffered the same fate . I stabilize Boros as I back away to the entrance of the keep calculating the odds of surviving these creatures who took out half our party . Percival cursed my name as he uncharacteristically attempted to drag Boros and Oedinn away from the creatures . Against my better judgment and throwing caution to the wind , I raced back calling my one healing spell for the day and grabbed at the nearest body . A creature cracks me across the back for my efforts . Oeddin , brought back to consciousness , raced out of the keep and into the night , stopping at the gate . Feeling my injury and knowing we stand no chance against these odds , I shouted for Percival to drop Boros and run as Timeria and I ran to the door . Percival refused to drop his charge , dragging him through the gate just seconds ahead of the throng . Oeddin slammed the gate shut , but with no means of locking it , it was only time before the first hand clawed its way out the front . What was Tervan thinking , sending me into this reeking cesspool of a city ? Survival in the woods is easy - fresh food and water is always plentiful and close , even in lean years . Animals can be calmed , trespassers can be avoided . In Gofeld , ale is more plentiful than water , and putrid water more plentiful than not . Smells and noises overpower Timeria 's and my senses alike - horse dung , body odor , and night soil ; the clamber of hooves , shouts of merchants , crying of babies . Streets follow no particular pattern , and not even moss dares grow to aid in direction . The city feels closed in … dark … it is not a feeling I like reliving . Order , chaos , good , evil - the city has all in plenty , yet everything still feels off . There is no balance here , no clues to guide how I must act . Basic necessities like shelter and food cost money , and I have little of that with what Tervan left me . Was this his plan ; make me a pauper fighting to survive ? Whatever Tervan 's plan , I doubt even he predicted the company I have fallen into . With little money , I was forced to hire part of a common room at a local inn occupied by an olive skinned human , Percival , and a roguish looking man , Boros . I slept with one eye open and my scimitar close at hand . Thankfully the nights passed uneventfully . So did my days . The sheer boredom must have driven me to accept the pair 's invitation to share a drink with them in the bar the third night . Boros seemed a bit of a blowhard - he talked big but rarely had to back his mouth with his fists . He also had a raven - like desire for gold and plunder . And a penchant for drink . The combination must be what drove him to challenge the largest man in the bar with the biggest sword to a drinking game . The wager : the man 's greatsword for … wait , ME ? ? ( Boros is going to have a talk with Timeria and me when the time comes . ) Before I could object the drinks were slammed and , soon enough , the big man was down for the count . Boros took the man 's greatsword and gold , and then left to pawn the blade before the man woke up . Being an unwilling part of the wager and believing this man would be rightfully pissed upon gaining consciousness , I felt it was best to take my leave as well . Percival and I followed Boros to a local blacksmith 's shop where , after a fair bit of unhelpful haggling , Boros sold the sword to Jerrie the blacksmith for an extra gold and a lead on work . Apparently a local merchant , Mallard Vernum , was looking for a bit of hired help . This was more eventful than any of my other days , so there seemed little harm in tagging along ; if only I had known . Apparently , Mallard Vernum fell victim to a burglary , losing a prized ring that had been in his family for generations to a local street - rat named the Longman ( or so we thought ) . Mallard was offering 2000 gold as a reward for finding this ring . Having less than 2 gold , and seeing how exorbitant the fees were in this city , I , with Percival and Boros , accepted the job . I would not have thought I would be doing mercenary work . That sounds wrong . So let us just call this an adventure and us adventurers . The name fit the establishment . Still , the people inside were as helpful as we could hope for , stating our suspected " Longman " was last seen trying to peddle something down the street at the Golden Wares . Leaving the Dirty Skirts , we noticed a seedy looking man dart away from us and into a nearby alley . Convinced we just found our " Longman " we set off in pursuit while I whistled for Timeria to join me - it has been too long since we ran - the hunt was on ! That is until the man darted through a door and locked it . Damn it . The forest does not have doors . Having failed at his attempts to pick the lock , Boros used his brute strength to break open the door . Boros 's intrusion was met with a dagger hurled at his head by the sneaky man . The man 's aim was poor , but he was probably less than concerned with his three brutish looking friends barreling towards Boros . Proving his worth in battle , Boros fell the first with a flurry of his swords , only to have his head rattled by the club of the second . The club did what the drink could not , and after a pitiful attempt at retribution , Boros fell to the street unconscious . With what took big balls , the remaining two charged towards the bristling wolf and the now spell - protected mage . It took a matter of moments for Timeria to kill the first while Percival fell the second . Perhaps a little less full of himself , the Longman disappeared inside - but one does not simply flee from a huntress . Timeria took off after the Longman while I but briefly stopped to heal Boros 's wounds before giving chase , running by a surprised shopkeeper on my way out the front door . Perhaps it was the thrill of the chase , the feeling I was back in my woods hunting prey alongside Timeria , but I gave little thought to the appearance of an elf and a large wolf chasing after a man in the middle of the city . That was the first of several mistakes I would make today . It was not long until Timeria caught the Longman and pinned him to the ground while Boros and I caught up . Percival was mysteriously absent … In our initial attempts to interrogate the Longman on the street ( second mistake ) , we learned nothing of use . By this time Percival had caught up and suggested we return to the shop … that he was now in possession of a key for . Odd . The reasons became apparent upon our return , where the unconscious shop - keep lay strewn upon the floor . It was in this instance I started learning the true nature of my companions . Boros dragged the brutes in from the alley , only to slit their throats . Survival of the fittest is a fact of nature , had these men died during our fight , it would have been the simple way of things , but , at this point , there was no need to end the lives of these fellows . Feeling a need to reevaluate the day , and knowing how little we actually knew about the Longman , I decided to return to Mallard to ask some additional questions . On this walk , it dawned on me on how conspicuous I must now seem with Timeria at my side , so I took the opportunity to lead Timeria out the city gates , instructing her to wait near the sunlit hilltop for my return . Boros and Percival surprisingly make it back to Mallard 's before me . I did not get much out of them , but it sounds as if they were paid a visit by the guards , and the Longman may have suffered the same fate as his brutish fellows . They said no additional information was gleaned from the Longman during his interrogation … and I felt I should leave it at that . We finally asked Mallard what the Longman looked like - it turns out his name was Rick Tulong . Ok , that was our first mistake . Rick Tulong was " not dissimilar " from the now deceased Longman - young , dirty , black hair . But what does that mean ? We decided to retire to a nearby tavern to plan our next moves . The brutes and the Longman were never searched - meaning the ring could be on them and now be under guard , or they could be completely unrelated to Rick Tulong . After Boros donned a disguise beard ( an elf of many talents , although beards are not common amongst elves ) and Percival and I put our hoods up , we headed to the Golden Wares . The white haired peddler provided little information of worth , and it was at this time we realized we did not even know what the ring looked like ( mistake number … does it even matter anymore , mistakes were made ) . It was evening by the time I , once again , headed back to Mallard . Turns out the ring was a man 's gold ring with scroll work and a big , round purplish gem in the middle . It was kept in a safe box behind his counter until it was burgalled the other night . I returned to the Dirty Skirts under the night sky where I met up with Percival and Boros … just in time for two guards to walk through the door . My heart was racing … I was not going to be captured again . I tried to play it cool and inquired at the bar about possible work at the Dirty Skirts , hoping to get a tour and find the back door , when a guard approached me and the second approached Percival . They had our descriptions from eye - witnesses from the street chase this morning . We were to be escorted out the front to somewhere for questioning - I knew I had to comply , but was working out how to get away . Percival , the first out the door , beat me to the punch and slammed the door into my face ( the bastard ) in an attempt to run away . His guard was faster , however , and grabbed his cloak . I took the opportunity to run back into the Dirty Skirts to look for the back door . Boros attempted to trip the guard giving chase ( he may be a brute , but he is loyal ) , but failed . My hurried cries to a drunk in the back to tackle my pursuer must have similarly failed as the guard was fast out the door and into the alley . These damn streets - my hurried attempts to escape the guard led me back out in front of the Dirty Skirts , where Percival was struggling under the weight of the first guard . Thinking , " may the bastard suffocate under his weight " I took off down the street and along the docks , looking for an escape . I was outpacing the guard in his heavy metal armor , but he had a trick up his sleeve - literally a clay pot that smashed to produce a high whistle . This was presumably to call in help . Knowing I had scant time , I raced to a nearby skiff , leapt aboard , slashed the rope and began to pole myself out into the river , thankful for salvation . However , this was a clearly guard from one of the four Hells ; he flung himself off the end of the dock towards my boat , missing it by only feet . I thought that was the end - surely he would drown in his armor . The hand that grasped the edge of the boat told me otherwise . But that is the way of the world - the hunter does not always win . Neither order nor chaos is to dominate in either the natural or " civilized " world . Our existence needs good and evil ; life and death . But it was not my death this night . Perhaps this was the start of Tervan 's lesson … I do not know how or if I will meet up with Percival and Boros again , nevertheless I have the feeling I may need to . What has happened to them after we parted is a mystery . But , at the moment , I have a dark riverbank looming in front of me , a city to escape , and , strangely enough , the orange and red blaze of a fire springing to life at my back …

JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . Percival again tries to track the book which leads us to a small house . Mage McStealy is ours ! We hatch a plan to assault the house under the cover of darkness . Sorob , not being the quietest burglar , awakens the house 's occupants while breaking in . The initial room is filled with magic items , which Sorob bypasses and runs upstairs . A small figure , not at all like Mage McStealy , stands at the top . The little wizard freezes the party and disappears . As most of us rush upstairs , Sorob stays downstairs and is engulfed in a fireball . Diago spots a cord upstairs and for a reason not explained to this day , decides to pull it . The entire house explodes in a fireball , killing Percival instantly and burying the rest of us . Shalia , Timeria , and Diago drag Percival 's body away as Sorob is surrounded by city guards and dragged off to the Watch Tower . We feel Sorob is probably safe for now and go about trying to aid Percival . After much persuasion by Diago , I finally agree to reincarnate the bastard . It appears his evil actions have caught up to him , and Percival returns as a dire corby - a hideous bird creature . While plotting on how to rescue Sorob , a strange dwarf balancing on a ball offers his aid . The name is Ulrik Chillforge . Lacking anyone capable of standing up to a melee fight , we accept . Disturbing . We head back to the scene of the explosion to investigate , and see the little wizard , surrounded by toughs , packing up a wagon of goods . Ulrik questions the wizard , who never got a good look at anyone but Sorob . It turns out he recently purchased a golden tome for a staggering small amount of money from Mage McStealy . He agrees to show the party the tome , informing us it is no longer magical but once was . Apparently it enhanced one 's intellect beyond all comprehension . I convinced the guard - gnoll at the tower to give us information and leave in exchange for gold . He provided very few details about what was inside , just that we should be careful . We wind our way through a series of twists , turns , and traps . Eventually we make our way to Mage McStealy , who is ready and waiting for us . And who is dutifully and quickly dispatched by Timeria before he even had a chance to unleash his most potent spells . We question the city about the mage 's whereabouts and name . Turns out it is Mage McStealy . Next time we 're asking for names first . Having no idea where the wizard went , we decide to head to the next kingdom over , and head towards Marbleville . On the way we encounter the entourage of the king , King Bic . Sorob 's unwillingness to give way surprisingly does not lead to a fight . Rather , we get to question the guards where a powerful wizard might go . The guard captain , Twibbles , tells us of a city in a desert far to the west . Our path is clear . And blocked by a river , cross - able only by a ferry , blocked by the Badass Gang . We should call them the Dumbass Gang , because they decided to pick a fight with Sorob . Soon after , their headless bodies were tossed into the river , and we wait for the ferry to return . It does so in the morning with twelve dwarven guards seeking justice for the Gang 's sacking of a caravan . If we could have come up with the bodies ( now far downstream ) there might have been a reward . That might also have required Sorob to give up the 700 gp he took from the Gang - but the dwarves need not know that . Once we reach Marbleville , the proprietor of the Golden Horn informs us a mage matching our description - carrying a large , heavy satchel . He was headed west on the Forest Road . I help Diago buy some Shadow Armor . We also buy the one real horse they have , Snickerdoodle , and rename it Wilbur . We decide now is the time to leave Gofeld . We head out towards the port city of Mytum . We learn there is an underwater city in the lake that if found would make us rich and famous . Instead we decide to head to Tugon , a less table region than our current Elmir . We find a cave that appears inhabited , and Sorob breaks through the barred door . Inside is a large cavern with a waterfall . It is clear this cavern has been used by a large carnivore based on the animal carcasses littering the floor . While distracted , creatures with the bodies of men and heads of lobsters emerge from the water and attack . We dispatch them twice : once alive and once undead ( damn amulet ) . I turn into an otter and dive into the water , but the current is too strong and I get sucked away down an underwater cave . The rest of the party soon follows and we find ourselves in a new cavern , battling an ochre jelly . After dispatching it , we journey down another corridor until we dead end into a locked door . After breaking through , we accost the duergar inhabitants , making short work of them as well . While I recovered from my wounds , the rest of the party defeated the cyclops the duergar were keeping as a guard - pet . We then proceed to take out a nest of large spiders . Finally , we head back to the duergar town and find an orphaned duergar , Barness , behind a locked door . Feeling compassion for her , I convince her to come with us and let us protect her until we can find her a new home . As it turns out , I need to protect her as much from Sorob and Percival as from the dangers of this world . Working our way out of the cavern , we encounter a small blue dragon . Sorob is quickly dropped and Barness mauled when she tries to help . Ultimately , Timeria finishes the dragon off . I decide to heal the dying Barness first before turning to aid Sorob . This choice angers Sorob . In the dragon 's horde we find a magical tome made entirely out of gold , that none of us can identify . We head out of the cavern by way of a mine cart . Once to the surface , Percival proposes killing Barness - I say no . We find a small hut with a gnome merchant , Mr . Mister , who informs us we are in the Kingdom of Hugon , an unruly and dangerous land led by a dwarf king named Twenty . We decide to head east to the nearest large city : Kreeteekall . We head east . That night Percival is pounced on by some large creature , almost killing him . In the desperate fight for our lives , Barness is killed . While I was digging a grave for the duergar girl , Percival , annoyed at the digging sounds , decides to burn her out of spite . In anger , I lash out with a flaming sphere , nearly killing Percival . I hesitate to stabilize him , but threats of violence from Sorob change my mind . With Percival stabilized but unconscious , I finish the grave . The next night we are chased by what appeared to be a large elemental . It was only as the sun was rising in the west and we made it close to the city that the creature disappeared . We have reached Kreeteekall . Once inside , we ask who is a powerful wizard and get directed to a large tree - like tower . The wizard 's golem lets us in , and the wizard informs us that for 3 , 000 gp he would identify the tome . Thinking this is too much , we say no . Before we leave , however , the wizard tells us he knows what Sorob 's amulet is . After selling some loot and mulling the cost , we decide to negotiate and head back . We get the wizard down to 2 , 000 gp - and he will identify the amulet . However , Sorob refuses to take it off . Percival tries to charm him but gets a fist to the face in return . After the scrap , we notice the unnamed wizard has vanished … with our golden book . Shit . After defeating Taumil for a second - time in his dream world , Diago infiltrates the Grand Circle , which impresses grandmaster Alar enough that he lets us all in . We learn that the way to join the Grand Circle is to make our names known and then be invited to join by another member . We leave to do just that . After journeying to a nearby village , we learn at the local tavern that a crazy clown accompanied by mites and terrifying children overran and destroyed the nearby village of Georgetown . Harold , the mayor of the town we are in , decides to flee with the villagers to a safe location despite our best efforts at persuading the villagers to stay and fight . While I tried to help , I still do not understand the foolish ways of these city - dwellers . I think I might have hurt our cause with my gust of wind . Nevertheless , we convince five of the villagers to make a stand with us , including Henry of Georgetown . The clown came in the night . We fortified the stone inn , but even our preparations were not enough to combat the Mitiest 's hammer that took down a main support , killing two of the villagers . As we pull ourselves from the rubble , Sorob plants himself in front of the grinning Taumil , and with one swing finally takes the head off that evil clown . Finally victorious , we leave the ruins of the inn to find the villagers . On the way we overcome a woodland rogue , Redbrow the Pirate , and manage to find a hunk of star stone . Finding the villagers in Gofeld , Henry relays the story of our victory . Utterly grateful for saving what we could of their town , the villagers vow to spread word of our great deed . We learn that no one can work our star stone here , so we decide to hide the heavy rock in the woods for later retrieval . Finding a unique dead tree shaped like a K , I woodshape the rock inside for protection . One day something grand will be made of that stone . Returning to Gofeld , Sorob slaughters a man , Miller , who comes back as a zombie . As the rest of the party flees , Sorob is apprehended by the city guards and questioned - eventually by city captain Traphis . I remember this particular guard sliding into the bay after giving chase to me , so I make myself scarce . The morning air felt colder - likely remnants of that vivid " dream . " Yet , with nothing else to do , we continued on down the coast . The following day was uneventful outside of stumbling across an abandoned hut which Percival proceeded to loot and burn down . I may have my fears , but he sometimes appears to be operating one nut shy of an acorn . In any case , that evening found us under a giant tree … The chill down my spine I suddenly felt on my watch was familiar and had nothing to do with the temperature . But before I could process the feeling , a dart zipped out of the woods , sticking painfully into my shoulder . At least my vocal chords were unfrozen , " Wake up you fools ! " The others awoke , blinked their eyes of sleep and squinted as my light spell illuminated several shapes moving amongst the trees about 20 strides away . Mites ! But not the blue - skinned ones we had recently faced , but equally grotesque yellow - skinned horrors . As we counter attacked , one of them started jerking until it exploded in a yellow mist of puss . That seemed to deflate the rest and we made short work of them . Outside of washing the puss off , the chill was gone and the rest of the night went by peacefully . It was midday when we found our destination : a large castle on a small island connected to land by a three pace wide and one hundred pace long stone bridge . Following their usual methodology , Pervical and Sorob decided the " welcome " sign ( " Grand Circle - Members only , absolutely no admittance , enter at own risk " ) would look better in the sea . While the eight and a half foot tall earth golem guarding the other end of the bridge seemed nonplussed by the petty vandalism , it did take offense at any attempt to cross the bridge and seemed otherwise undeterred by Oedinn 's attempt to grease it into the water . Discretion being the better part of valor , our hearty group fled down the beach away from the golem only to discover , at least without further provocation , it would not set foot on the land . Clearly we needed to sleep on our next options . We returned to the bridge as the morning broke , only to find it unguarded and the gates opened . My trepidation at our apparent good fortune is overridden as my companions stroll into the castle courtyard as if they own the place . Percival strolled to the nearest door and confidently knocked . However , I was troubled by a vague feeling of familiarity about the castle and realization dawned on me the instant before Percival kicked the opening door , knocking down a little , black - eyed girl . Her sobs were covered up by a booming voice from the castle walls , " Stop that right now ! " A crashing noise sounds from another door to the courtyard . While I was distracted , the black - eyed girl in the doorway attempted to grab Percival , but not before taking a quarrel from Percival 's crossbow between the eyes . Our brief victory was quickly forgotten as a grossly oversized mite riding a praying mantis burst through the door . With a leap , the mantis landed on top of Sorob , grabbed him and was about to do its best impression of post - mating behavior when Timeria plowed into its side and ripped apart the mantis 's neck . My arrow caught the mite in the side as it leapt from its dismembered mount , but rather than sinking it , the arrowhead simply broke from the shaft . Crap , what kind of freak of nature were we fighting ? As Sorob regained his feet and engaged that mightiest of mites , my next arrow took the laughing jester in the side . With a laugh ( " Really , you fool ! " ) the jester jumped into the arena . And then things got strange . The jester whacked Oedinn with his scepter , but rather than appearing hurt , Oedinn simply broke down into chuckles . Dodging jets of fire from Percival 's hands , the jester thumped Percival across the brow ; an injury that put both Percival and Oedinn into hysterics . With our wizards otherwise distracted , Sorob takes the Mitiest down while Timeria turns her fangs on the jester . Whatever enchantment that was put upon the wizards broke , as Percival became noticeably uglier . The jester soon learned that one makes a dwarf laugh against the dwarf 's wishes at one 's own peril ; Oedinn smote the jester into a pile of nothing and took the jester scepter for his own ! After a journey to Kamush that almost ended in death for Sorob and Percival ( thanks to Shanaynay 's cowardice and unwillingness to commit Timeria to battle , even when she was healthier than the hero 's ) , the party set out across the desert to the capital on Mage McSteely 's trail . After an uneventful trip , Percival used his magical powers to pinpoint the location of the mystical golden tome , and presumably the nefarious thief as well . The party will rest up and wait for the trailing members to catch up before mounting a heroic effort to recapture their property and to bring Mage McDouchy to justice ! Foolishly undeterred , we gathered rations and set off along the coast . After the first day of uneventful travel and my lucky location of a protective cave for the night , we were feeling pretty good . That was a feeling fated not to last . I " awoke " to find Timeria , Sorob and I standing in the middle of a desert looking at a drawbridge over a moat surrounding a castle . No lights or people could be seen in the castle . However , my spells detected no magic . A disembodied " Yes ? " answered Sorob 's booming " Hello ! " No other statement was forthcoming as I felt a chill rush through my body . With no other option behind us , we tentatively headed under the walls to find a black eyed girl waiting for us with the eery greeting " Welcome , would you like to come in ? " I asked " What are you , who are you , and where are we ? " And she responded " You ask a lot of questions . I am hungry . " before withdrawing through the only door off the courtyard . Nothing of this felt right . Nothing . Yet Sorob was undeterred , and willingly entered the keep to find a big room with a long table brimming with food and a crackling hearth . The eerie music coming from within was the last straw - I was not going to set foot in that room . My heart near stopped as the little girl said from beside me , " Why don 't you come in ? " I instinctively drew my scimitar but did not attack . I did not sheath it during my subsequent questioning . The girl is Vanessa who lives here with her " dad . " If she and her siblings ( hell , siblings ? ? ) throw a party , her " dad " comes home . She did not know how she got here and she seemed surprised that anyone would want to leave . Every once in awhile new people come and join the party . Timeria let out a low growl and I turned to see these " new people " - all black - eyed children - standing behind me . They ask together " is it dinner time ? " That was it for me . I rushed to the gate , only to find the portcullis closed . At my demands that the children open the gate , they responded " we cannot open it . " Rather than help , Sorob ignored me and started dancing inside . So much for backup … Finally Sorob acts on my suggestion to leave , but finds his way to the door blocked by the 20 black - eyed children . With no other options , Sorob attacked the jester as children started to grab at him . Sorob slashed the jester 's shoulder but began laughing hysterically after the jester countered with his scepter . Using my newly acquired ring , I hit the jester with a magical force , slamming him away from Sorob . Sorob dashed for the door , slashing grabbing " children " on his way . Their black blood pooled on the floor as Sorob and the jester fought once again . We continued our assault on the jester as Sorob backed through the door , only to have the jester say " Y ' all no fun anymore " and close it on us . Sorob opened the door to see the Captain standing there asking " What the hell is going on ? " We quickly closed the door and opened it again . This time it is Percival , " What the hell are you doing ? Wake up ! " The trip back to Gofeld was quick despite being loaded down with Beat 's loot . On a related note , I must admit , my new cloak does look quite fetching on me . After a quick stop at the market , we went searching for Manly Steve . The Dirty Skirts proprietor , Kristy , said he had left town , but told us how to get to the Grand Circle . After a quick celebratory drink ( I , perhaps uncharacteristically , bought a round for the tavern ) , we went searching for a boat to take us down the King 's Stream . That was until a girl came running from a home shouting " Grandma started killing mom ! " I had to resist the urge to rip the amulet from Sorob 's neck … but we stopped to question the girl . Apparently her Grandma had been very sick until just then when she grabbed the girl 's mother and bit her in the face . Onlookers started running to get the guards but Diago wished to play the hero and dashed inside . I kept walking towards the harbor . It has been well over a couple months since our last run - in with the city guards , but I did not think it good odds that a female elven druid and her wolf would not be remembered . After negotiating for passage on a transport vessel called " Titanic " I waited for my companions ' return . It was not long until Diago and Sorob sauntered up , newly splattered with blood . It turned out that " Grandma " had indeed become a flesh - eating zombie and " Mom , " along with one of the two city guards who went in , was no more . I made one last attempt to convince Sorob to remove the amulet , but he seemed aghast at the very idea … I fear whatever the amulet is it may be gaining a hold on our fearsome warrior . At the very least we all seemed to be in agreement that our quick exit from the city was the most advisable course of action , even if being stuck on a ship with 100 other passengers plus crew could lead to similar complications . We boarded the Titanic with a prognostic feeling of foreboding . Knowing it was a several day journey to Ellim 's Reach , I managed to convince the crew to let me sleep in the dingy on the deck rather than one of the dark and cramped , albeit private , cabins . It was a wonder that I heard Sorob shouting from his cabin that very night . I rushed to his aid to see Sorob tying up two devilish little creatures ; I immediately recognized them as mites , having seen the creatures emerge from some of the deeper caves in the forest . Sorob had awoken in the middle of the night to find them sneaking up on him despite his cabin door being locked . While he was able to subdue them despite being stabbed , none of our troop were able to understand the creatures . We were left clueless as to how or why they attacked our companion . Those were questions destined to be left unanswered . The creatures disappeared from the locked cell the captain threw them into and no trace of them was found on the boat . Being proficient in the art of conjuration , I became convinced the mites must have been summoned by one of the boat 's passengers . Sorob thought it was Percival who fervently denied it . However a thorough sweep of the boat led to identifying only three passengers that possessed magical items : a young man named Jake with a " lucky pouch " , a large man with dark skin called Reginold who possessed a ring giving him remarkable reflexes , and a attractive lady who refused to give us a name . After the Captain , Sorob and I questioned the trio , the only thing I was certain of was that the Lady was not a magic user ; an opinion not shared by Sorob . The city awoke the next day , surprisingly calm . Apparently Sorob 's stint in the graveyard failed to awaken any of the city 's dead . Perhaps it only works on the recently deceased ? While I am still convinced the amulet is the source of our troubles , Sorob is as unwilling as ever to part with the thing . Knowing the source of our troubles has not been solved , what do we do ? Well , Percival decided to get a drink at the whorehouse . I could not say I was surprised , but , for once , his love of diseased women ( men ? ) and ale brought us good luck . No sooner had he ordered a pint but the doors burst open and a man swaggered into the tavern shouting , " Drinks are on me ! " It turns out this " Manly Steve " had just returned from trouncing bugbears and raiding their treasure stash . Percival , diplomatic as always , although I suspect hurt from Manly Steve rejecting his advances , decided to make it rain on Steve … multiple times . After Percival was shown the door , we found out that Steve was part of the " Grand Circle " - an elite club of adventurers with their headquarters on the Eastern Ocean . Only the greatest adventurers get invited to join ; Steve boasted he took down a black dragon single handedly . Needless to say , we were intrigued . Sensing our interest , I believe the man likes attention , Steve gave us a box with the words " sing to me " carved in it as well as a depiction of a bar scene . Apparently Steve was unable to open the thing , and was more than willing to pass the frustration onto some other group . For the next several hours , we tried singing individually , getting the bar to sing , going to the Golden Wares for information , and finally returning to the bar . I think the drink had gotten to Steve , because when Percival walked back into the Dirty Skirts , rather than toss him out , Steve asked Percival to identify a dagger with Goblinoid written on it . When Steve found out it was non - magical , he gave it to Percival . Hoping this may be some clue , we went to the local scroll shop , the Magic Squirrel . The shopkeep knew Goblin , but Percival , rather than showing the dagger to him , purchased a scroll , took the time to learn a new spell , just to read " Beats Magical Dagger . " Maybe Goblin 's have a funny sense of humor ? I suspect they are just dumb . Well , apparently this triggered an idea in Percival and Diago 's heads . After several failed attempts , Diago succeeded at singing a strange sounding song to the box . It opened to reveal a … blank piece of parchment . We took it outside to ponder it in the bright light . Nothing came to us , but , amazingly , after about an hour a map was revealed directing us to the mountain ranges to the west of Gofeld ! There was also writing on the map , reading : I led the group for two days through the pouring rain to a large stepped pyramid in the middle of the woods in the shadow of the mountains . We entered through the door at the base to find ourselves in darkness . After lighting up the interior , we saw a maze of stepped platforms leading to a door on a far wall - nothing was below the platforms but darkness . Diago fearlessly lept to the first platform … and fell into the darkness after missing the second . Amazingly unharmed and un - phased , he ran from behind us to try again . And again . And again . And … again . Hours passed as I tired to convince Diago if we only wait one day , I could prepare a spell to make his life easier . Fatigue must have gotten the best of him . The next morning , I cast my spell and Diago quickly made it to the far side , creating a path for all of us to follow . We suspected we may have completed " Fallen from the Sky . " The statue of a man in a tunic and pants delayed us for awhile as we made various offerings to it . It was not until we inadvertently cast two spells on the statute that the way opened . While we thought it was Water for the Shrine or Treasure for the Man , it turned out to be " Two Blessings . " The next room showed how quickly my comrades are willing to devolve into barbarians . After messing with the bowl of water on the pedestal in the middle of the room , the four men decided to pee in it . What is with them and urine ? Well , this counted as " Four Seas . " We moved through the door to find a room with a pile of coins ; a pile quickly snatched up by Percival and Oedinn . After putting the gold back , we tried adding to it to no avail . Eventually Percival decided to throw a coin into the air where , upon hitting the ceiling , it turned into water . We did this with the rest of the gold and a door opened . " Water for the Shrine . " The door opened into a room with nothing but a big wall . Sorob showed that muscle has its use , chipping a large enough hole in the wall after hours of chopping . " Break the Mountain " we did . The last room contained a plaque that read " The End . " What the hell ? We just spent days making our way through this blasted pyramid to find nothing ? Well , as we sat and pondered what our next move would be , the wall disappeared to reveal tables overflowing with treasure . The last lesson , like one of the first , must have been " Patience . " There was nothing else to do ; by running we quickly outdistanced the creatures . Only it was not long until we came upon a second battle with more of the creatures ; a battle that was quickly brought to an end by a large man and an equally imposing half - elf . The more dashing figure with a rapier introduced himself as Diago Woffoen , while the giant wielding a falchion grunted " Sorob " in response to inquiries about his name . There is safety in numbers , so we accompanied them and their cart full of cloth back to Nabon . In Nabon we convinced the pair to accompany us back to Selca to find Rick , rid the town of zombies , and get our reward . Diago seems good company , but Sorob seems strangely familiar … Well , we learned from our past mistakes ; it was best to finish the zombies off at range . Our larger group easily made it through town , where I finished off three of the creatures with my bow . With our quarrels and arrows , Percival and I made short work of the few zombies inside the courtyard . Inside , there were more zombies , including our recent companion , Boros . Boros bludgeoned Sorob unconscious before the rest of our party managed to take the creatures down . For reasons known only to him , Percival decided to take Boros 's head as well as his possessions . We found no other zombies in the keep , but we did uncover the body of Rick Tulong ; killed by a trap in the basement . In addition to massive quantities of treasure , including an old crown , and a magic amulet , mace and book , we took Rick 's head hoping that Talow would still reward us . I also gained a new longbow ! With two rotting heads , we returned to Nabon . Which leaves me to ask , what am I doing ? I did not expect to become a delivery person carrying human ( and no - longer - human ) body parts halfway across the world . What is this teaching me ? Hopefully I will figure that out . I need experience to gain wisdom , but is this the type of experience I should be having ? Oh well … Our third day out we spotted another ship fast approaching us from behind . We learned its attention when an archer onboard dropped one of our sailors into the sea . I returned fire , but did not drop their archer until after our ship was rammed from behind . Diago made a fantastic leap onboard the enemy vessel while Percival dropped three into a deep sleep . The enemy captain was quickly taken down , but his large , bald companion and the rest of the crew took more work . We lost several sailors to the fight . I did not have long to ponder this when Charlie started yelling that our ship was sinking . We sprung into action in an attempt to save it … well all except Diago who had run off looking for treasure on the pirate ship . Sorob and I managed to push the two boats apart as the crew bailed and attempted to patch the hole . I was ready to abandon ship and sail on the pirate vessel , when the crew managed to patch the hole . However , sounds of fighting brought us back to the deck . The formerly dead pirates and sailors had risen and were attacking Charlie and the remaining sailors . I thought we left the undead back in Selca ? What was bringing them back ? I needed to know . In a bout of foolishness , Pervical informed Captain Charlie we had come from Selca . Upon learning this piece of information , Charlie refused to take us any further . Pervical redeemed himself by knocking Charlie out with a burst of color , as we intimidated the rest of the crew into backing down . I helped , oh yes : I was not going to be left at sea . Luckily we only needed words to convince the rest of the crew to take us back to Ashmal in exchange for the pirate ship . I needed to know why those bodies came back from the dead ; the thought of it happening at any time greatly troubled me . In Ashmal I convinced the others to visit a priest and see if any of our prizes were cursed . Having been given the crown , I paid for its inspection . Percival called me foolish , saying it had no magic properties . However , I am not familiar with wizard magic and needed certainty . The others refused to pay to have their items similarly checked and left . We stayed overnight as a storm rolled in . The next morning we set out for Gofeld , passing a prince on the road . Rather than head back to Mallard , Percival and Sorob went to the Golden Wares merchant . After haggling , we settled on a price of 2 , 600 gold for the ring ; I went along with it in exchange for a promise by Pervical to get the other items identified by a priest . A priest at the Temple of Skadi showed a great interest in the Amulet , stating it is a relic of his religion and of great value . He refused to share much of the information about it , but informed us it is a tool used to bring ruin to those who cause ruin . It was used to destroy the invaders of Selca , and was a great victory for the priest of Macab . Sorob , however , refused to part with it for the 3 , 000 gold offer . Instead he heads to other temples to find more information - information no one else is able to give us . Despite Pervical and my heated attempts to get him to sell the amulet , Sorob held onto it . I fear this will be the death of us - or at least of Sorob . Apparently Boros , Percival and I had a similar idea ; after a night of dodging through shadows and hiding from guards , we managed to meet back up in the common room of Charlie 's Tavern and Inn . While we waited for night to fall again , Percival regaled us with the tale of escaping his guard , also leading him to the western shore of the river . While less forthcoming about his motives to commit arson , we learned the night blaze was the result of the Nautical Shop where the street urchin had hid going up in flame . That man seems to thrive on chaos . We set out as the sun set , hoping to make it across the river and out the western wall . That hope was short lived as we were forced to detour down an alley to get away from some guards on the bridge . It seems that luck was on our side , as behind the locked door at the end of the alley were some " friends " of Rick Tulong . Apparently the guy got around and had amassed a substantial gambling debt to a certain man named " Talow . " Turns out Talow was also looking for Rick , and he offered us 20 % of the 500 gold debt if we brought Rick back within the week . More on that later , but that turned out to be a tall order . Boros managed to find a use for some of his ill - begotten gains by buying a " drink " at the Dirty Skirts ; a drink that came with information that Rick had set sail to Ashall on a ship called the " Swift River . " While debating whether we should pursue Rick by ship or shoe , Boros once again showed his knack for the spectacular when he tried to pickpocket a group of guards . Luckily they passed him off as a drunkard and let him go . In the end , shoe won out , as we made plans for what could have been a dangerous encounter at the city gates the following morning . At least we were out of that cesspool of a city and back on the open road … or at least we would have if the road were not on the other side of the river . I could not leave Timeria behind , so the East Gate was our only option ! Well , we had neither wagons nor horses , so what did it matter if we must do a little trailblazing ? Well , it apparently mattered . The east side of the river was patrolled by a band of brigands . It was not too long into the day when we were offered " help " by the merry band of seven from onboard their riverboat . When it comes down to fight or flight , this was a time for flight . I summoned a wall of fog to block our retreat while my brave cohorts took off ( Percival at an astonishing speed ) . Luckily the archers ' arrows did not find our backs as we made a beeline for the forest . The lesson was learned , however , and we stayed closer to the tree line as we continued upriver and camped for the night . It was not long into the next day when we encountered the boat from the day before pulled up to shore , seemingly abandoned . Considering the kind greeting from the day before , we felt no shame in deciding to part the brigands from their mode of transportation . Our attempt to sneak aboard the boat proved unsuccessful , as we found ourselves surrounded - three archers came running towards us from the tree line . These brigands were soon to learn you do not surround a wolf . Boros , Percival , Timeria and I leapt aboard the boat . I called the vines and thistles of the field to entangle the archers running toward us while the three remaining bandits and the captain burst out from the cabin . Timeria bore the captain to the ground , while the archers realized their daggers were no use against our armed band . Boros finished off the prone captain , while Percival dropped two more into a deep slumber . The only other remaining bandit on the boat fell to the cuts dealt him by Boros and me . During the commotion on the boat , one of the shore - bound bandits managed to get behind Percival , but his failed attack was quickly met with reprisal while one of my arrows found the heart of his comrade . The remaining bandit took off running , but Timeria was faster . There was no saving him by the time I caught up . When I got back to the boat , I found one of the bandits tied up . After relieving the fallen of their possessions ( the dead have no use of objects made for the living ) , noticing a wagon driven by a dwarf quickly pass by on the other side of the river , and setting the boat free ( we are not sailors ) we set about questioning the remaining man . He identified himself as Sumi and said he was only following the captain 's plan . The man was a half - wit and posed no threat alone , so I suggested we set him free . Percival and Boros had a different plan . As I attempted to stop Percival from murdering the captive , Boros slit Sumi 's throat . I do not grieve for him , but the action was unnecessary . Best not to dwell on it . It took another day or so but we made it to Ashmall and headed to the nearest shop to lighten our load . 200 GP richer , we bumped into the wagon - dwarf , name of Oedinn . It seems our dear employer Mallard had been making deals with other adventurers , as this fellow was also after Rick and his stolen " magic ring . " Well , that is news we pondered as we all made our way to the docks . It turns out the Swift River docked two days ago , but Rick caught a second boat headed across lake Shaltpheesh to Nabon . It was at this point we realized there was no way we were going to get back in a week . But , that is ok . I do not want to return to that city anyway . Swift River was to depart herself for Nabon the following day , so we booked our passage . Oedinn happily parted with his donkey and wagon for passage plus a tidy 5 gp profit . All that stood between us and our continued search for Rick was one uneventful evening . Well , it was uneventful for most of us . Boros decided he needed to acquire some herbs to craft poisons out of and headed into the night . He was not forthcoming on the details , but he found us on the ship the next morning missing all his gold and both his rapiers . Thanks to his newfound moneylender , Percival , Boros was able to re - equip himself for the rough two - day voyage that was ahead of us . The primal scream of pain and horror should have been our first alert to be careful . Lighting the way with magic pebbles , we drew inside the keep . The first few rooms were filled with cobwebs and in clear disrepair . We came to a decision point - either head down into the basement , or up the stairs and through the double doors at the top . The door downstairs bothered me , so I stayed in the rear . Despite , or maybe because of , the shuffling noise coming from inside , Boros kicked the door down as we are confronted with the dead eyes and rotting flesh of 15 " people . " In a matter of moments , Boros fumbled his sword , losing it to the throng as Oedinn is bludgeoned unconscious . As I prayed to the Goddesses to stabilize Oedinn , Boros suffered the same fate . I stabilize Boros as I back away to the entrance of the keep calculating the odds of surviving these creatures who took out half our party . Percival cursed my name as he uncharacteristically attempted to drag Boros and Oedinn away from the creatures . Against my better judgment and throwing caution to the wind , I raced back calling my one healing spell for the day and grabbed at the nearest body . A creature cracks me across the back for my efforts . Oeddin , brought back to consciousness , raced out of the keep and into the night , stopping at the gate . Feeling my injury and knowing we stand no chance against these odds , I shouted for Percival to drop Boros and run as Timeria and I ran to the door . Percival refused to drop his charge , dragging him through the gate just seconds ahead of the throng . Oeddin slammed the gate shut , but with no means of locking it , it was only time before the first hand clawed its way out the front . What was Tervan thinking , sending me into this reeking cesspool of a city ? Survival in the woods is easy - fresh food and water is always plentiful and close , even in lean years . Animals can be calmed , trespassers can be avoided . In Gofeld , ale is more plentiful than water , and putrid water more plentiful than not . Smells and noises overpower Timeria 's and my senses alike - horse dung , body odor , and night soil ; the clamber of hooves , shouts of merchants , crying of babies . Streets follow no particular pattern , and not even moss dares grow to aid in direction . The city feels closed in … dark … it is not a feeling I like reliving . Order , chaos , good , evil - the city has all in plenty , yet everything still feels off . There is no balance here , no clues to guide how I must act . Basic necessities like shelter and food cost money , and I have little of that with what Tervan left me . Was this his plan ; make me a pauper fighting to survive ? Whatever Tervan 's plan , I doubt even he predicted the company I have fallen into . With little money , I was forced to hire part of a common room at a local inn occupied by an olive skinned human , Percival , and a roguish looking man , Boros . I slept with one eye open and my scimitar close at hand . Thankfully the nights passed uneventfully . So did my days . The sheer boredom must have driven me to accept the pair 's invitation to share a drink with them in the bar the third night . Boros seemed a bit of a blowhard - he talked big but rarely had to back his mouth with his fists . He also had a raven - like desire for gold and plunder . And a penchant for drink . The combination must be what drove him to challenge the largest man in the bar with the biggest sword to a drinking game . The wager : the man 's greatsword for … wait , ME ? ? ( Boros is going to have a talk with Timeria and me when the time comes . ) Before I could object the drinks were slammed and , soon enough , the big man was down for the count . Boros took the man 's greatsword and gold , and then left to pawn the blade before the man woke up . Being an unwilling part of the wager and believing this man would be rightfully pissed upon gaining consciousness , I felt it was best to take my leave as well . Percival and I followed Boros to a local blacksmith 's shop where , after a fair bit of unhelpful haggling , Boros sold the sword to Jerrie the blacksmith for an extra gold and a lead on work . Apparently a local merchant , Mallard Vernum , was looking for a bit of hired help . This was more eventful than any of my other days , so there seemed little harm in tagging along ; if only I had known . Apparently , Mallard Vernum fell victim to a burglary , losing a prized ring that had been in his family for generations to a local street - rat named the Longman ( or so we thought ) . Mallard was offering 2000 gold as a reward for finding this ring . Having less than 2 gold , and seeing how exorbitant the fees were in this city , I , with Percival and Boros , accepted the job . I would not have thought I would be doing mercenary work . That sounds wrong . So let us just call this an adventure and us adventurers . The name fit the establishment . Still , the people inside were as helpful as we could hope for , stating our suspected " Longman " was last seen trying to peddle something down the street at the Golden Wares . Leaving the Dirty Skirts , we noticed a seedy looking man dart away from us and into a nearby alley . Convinced we just found our " Longman " we set off in pursuit while I whistled for Timeria to join me - it has been too long since we ran - the hunt was on ! That is until the man darted through a door and locked it . Damn it . The forest does not have doors . Having failed at his attempts to pick the lock , Boros used his brute strength to break open the door . Boros 's intrusion was met with a dagger hurled at his head by the sneaky man . The man 's aim was poor , but he was probably less than concerned with his three brutish looking friends barreling towards Boros . Proving his worth in battle , Boros fell the first with a flurry of his swords , only to have his head rattled by the club of the second . The club did what the drink could not , and after a pitiful attempt at retribution , Boros fell to the street unconscious . With what took big balls , the remaining two charged towards the bristling wolf and the now spell - protected mage . It took a matter of moments for Timeria to kill the first while Percival fell the second . Perhaps a little less full of himself , the Longman disappeared inside - but one does not simply flee from a huntress . Timeria took off after the Longman while I but briefly stopped to heal Boros 's wounds before giving chase , running by a surprised shopkeeper on my way out the front door . Perhaps it was the thrill of the chase , the feeling I was back in my woods hunting prey alongside Timeria , but I gave little thought to the appearance of an elf and a large wolf chasing after a man in the middle of the city . That was the first of several mistakes I would make today . It was not long until Timeria caught the Longman and pinned him to the ground while Boros and I caught up . Percival was mysteriously absent … In our initial attempts to interrogate the Longman on the street ( second mistake ) , we learned nothing of use . By this time Percival had caught up and suggested we return to the shop … that he was now in possession of a key for . Odd . The reasons became apparent upon our return , where the unconscious shop - keep lay strewn upon the floor . It was in this instance I started learning the true nature of my companions . Boros dragged the brutes in from the alley , only to slit their throats . Survival of the fittest is a fact of nature , had these men died during our fight , it would have been the simple way of things , but , at this point , there was no need to end the lives of these fellows . Feeling a need to reevaluate the day , and knowing how little we actually knew about the Longman , I decided to return to Mallard to ask some additional questions . On this walk , it dawned on me on how conspicuous I must now seem with Timeria at my side , so I took the opportunity to lead Timeria out the city gates , instructing her to wait near the sunlit hilltop for my return . Boros and Percival surprisingly make it back to Mallard 's before me . I did not get much out of them , but it sounds as if they were paid a visit by the guards , and the Longman may have suffered the same fate as his brutish fellows . They said no additional information was gleaned from the Longman during his interrogation … and I felt I should leave it at that . We finally asked Mallard what the Longman looked like - it turns out his name was Rick Tulong . Ok , that was our first mistake . Rick Tulong was " not dissimilar " from the now deceased Longman - young , dirty , black hair . But what does that mean ? We decided to retire to a nearby tavern to plan our next moves . The brutes and the Longman were never searched - meaning the ring could be on them and now be under guard , or they could be completely unrelated to Rick Tulong . After Boros donned a disguise beard ( an elf of many talents , although beards are not common amongst elves ) and Percival and I put our hoods up , we headed to the Golden Wares . The white haired peddler provided little information of worth , and it was at this time we realized we did not even know what the ring looked like ( mistake number … does it even matter anymore , mistakes were made ) . It was evening by the time I , once again , headed back to Mallard . Turns out the ring was a man 's gold ring with scroll work and a big , round purplish gem in the middle . It was kept in a safe box behind his counter until it was burgalled the other night . I returned to the Dirty Skirts under the night sky where I met up with Percival and Boros … just in time for two guards to walk through the door . My heart was racing … I was not going to be captured again . I tried to play it cool and inquired at the bar about possible work at the Dirty Skirts , hoping to get a tour and find the back door , when a guard approached me and the second approached Percival . They had our descriptions from eye - witnesses from the street chase this morning . We were to be escorted out the front to somewhere for questioning - I knew I had to comply , but was working out how to get away . Percival , the first out the door , beat me to the punch and slammed the door into my face ( the bastard ) in an attempt to run away . His guard was faster , however , and grabbed his cloak . I took the opportunity to run back into the Dirty Skirts to look for the back door . Boros attempted to trip the guard giving chase ( he may be a brute , but he is loyal ) , but failed . My hurried cries to a drunk in the back to tackle my pursuer must have similarly failed as the guard was fast out the door and into the alley . These damn streets - my hurried attempts to escape the guard led me back out in front of the Dirty Skirts , where Percival was struggling under the weight of the first guard . Thinking , " may the bastard suffocate under his weight " I took off down the street and along the docks , looking for an escape . I was outpacing the guard in his heavy metal armor , but he had a trick up his sleeve - literally a clay pot that smashed to produce a high whistle . This was presumably to call in help . Knowing I had scant time , I raced to a nearby skiff , leapt aboard , slashed the rope and began to pole myself out into the river , thankful for salvation . However , this was a clearly guard from one of the four Hells ; he flung himself off the end of the dock towards my boat , missing it by only feet . I thought that was the end - surely he would drown in his armor . The hand that grasped the edge of the boat told me otherwise . But that is the way of the world - the hunter does not always win . Neither order nor chaos is to dominate in either the natural or " civilized " world . Our existence needs good and evil ; life and death . But it was not my death this night . Perhaps this was the start of Tervan 's lesson … I do not know how or if I will meet up with Percival and Boros again , nevertheless I have the feeling I may need to . What has happened to them after we parted is a mystery . But , at the moment , I have a dark riverbank looming in front of me , a city to escape , and , strangely enough , the orange and red blaze of a fire springing to life at my back …

Metallica - " Enter Sandman " I had a nightmare when I was around nine years old . At the time , I was into Power Rangers , and I wanted to be the Blue Ranger because blue was and still is my favorite color . The nightmare was set in this white - washed nineties TV show , and the bad guys were ( oddly ) from the live - action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie , another show I watched . With the big bird baby and the wolf baby mutants . I was standing at the base of a tall building , which for some reason I thought was the Empire State Building . My mom and I were talking about the divorce my dad and her had just gone through a few months ago . We were both wearing sun hats and dresses , though I hardly wear dresses at all . Then , I heard a scream , and I saw a body falling and crashing into a car below . I rushed over , with a cold grip of certainty you only have in dreams . It was my dad , and then I woke up . . . crying . . . DDR - " Dark Black Forest " I 've always liked music I could dance to . Dance Dance Revolution ( DDR ) is one of my favorite games on the Playstation 2 ( PS2 ) , and due to my athletic ability ( ? ) and hips , I can proudly play Standard Mode . My brother , who I introduced to the game when I was still a Light Moder , is now Heavy - Challenge Moder , surpassing me in height and flexibility . Men . They eat like garbage cans and grow like trees , and we women can only grow hips and give birth . Sometimes I wish I had been born a man . Now , I only play DDR if they have it in the arcades . Grease - " Grease Lightning " My car was bought in the beginning of last summer , and I 'm constantly worried that it will break down randomly like my previous Jeep did . It 's winter now , and my Jeep broke down last winter in the beginning of January . It 's December 24th . Perhaps if I had a better knowledge of cars then I wouldn 't have to worry about the uncertainty of my car breaking down . . . But cars have never interested me . I know that if I learned more about them , then I would be able to take care of my used cars . But like most technology , I just let it die and then buy something Written by This is my family , I thought today . When the beginning of Winter Break started , and the house was quiet except for the typing of my keys , I realized that my loneliness was a sham . . . ~ * * * ~ " Yes , they 're having a party again . " sigh , " And once again they didn 't tell me about it . " " Well , that stinks . " My boyfriend answered through my cell phone , " Are they boozing again ? " " Of course . " Erin was in her room , quiet as always , and Jen . . . Well Jen got the short stick , she is in the room downstairs with only her door between her and the rowdy party guests . We were all putting up with it because it was Tony 's birthday , the only man in a house full of girls . . . He 's gay , so don 't worry . I had come down to get a glass of water . Not really liking the taste of water , I get severely dehydrated after long periods of abstinence , and then I drink the entirety of the Nile River in a day . . . Dressed in pajamas with nothing underneath , I felt a little awkward sauntering down the crooked , narrow stairs into a crowd I didn 't know . But it was late , and I didn 't really care about my body because I was happily with my boyfriend of a year now . The eyes kept bothering me though . I strained a smile , not really looking at anyone , and pressed my way into the kitchen . " Oh hey ! " Danielle said , her face flushed and her wiry blond hair more poofy than usual , " Sorry about the noise , we 're trying to keep it down . " " It 's fine , I 'm just thirsty . " I grab a tall glass from the cupboard , the pitcher of filtered water from the fridge , and pour . Taking a sip , I suddenly felt lighter , like I could breath again . Being slightly claustrophobic , perhaps the crowd did unnerve me more than I believed . . . With the glass , I scurried back to my room at the end of the hallway . ~ * * * ~ " Yeah , I have the Kitchen this week - - God dammit ! " I threw the towel I had been using to dry my hands into the sink , " I don 't even eat here that often ! I hardly have any food , so I don 't cook anything , and yet they stick me with the messiest room in the house ! " " That 's dumb . Just tell them that someone else Written by Light , rich , alluring . . . The human mind is a woven net of smells . Takes a look around . The FlowersJapanese Cherry Blossom花見 （ はなみ ） Hanami , flower - viewing . In the spring , the cities of Japan are filled with cherry blossoms blowing in on the wind from the nearby hills . They have festivals throughout the country dedicated to watching these beautiful , delicate petals , holding picnics beneath pouring pink snow . Thousands of people sometimes , and they would all gather in parks and shrines - - fascinated for an hour by the magnificence of nature . Gowned JasmineI loved Disney movies when I was a kid , and not much has changed . For the Spring Dance in freshmen year of college - - when things are still new - - my friends planned to dress up like Disney Princesses . At first they thought I would make a great Jasmine , but then my friend Lauren cried out , " No ! She can be Mulan ! " and everyone else agreed . I 'm Half - Japanese . . . Plumeria . . . is a flower that you can find on the islands of Hawaii . It is distinguished by its yellow - white petals that curl up at the edges and layer themselves like a windmill . It is a common flower to make leis out of , and the smell is soft and refreshing . E komo mai o Hawai ' i . If only I could hear those words again . Hibiscus . . . is my mom 's favorite flower . Because it likes room temperature , she sets her hibiscus plants ( she has two ) in the parlor room during winter . She isn 't the Japanese - Hawaiian one , Dad is , but he lives two thousand miles away in California with the woman whom he met months before my parents ' divorce . Butterfly FlowerAt Put - in - Bay , Ohio I got to see my first butterfly house . Not the inside where the butterflies were , but the outside where the shop was . It was six dollars to get in and - - being with a ragtag group of tourists - - we thought it was money that could be better spent on Death by Chocolate Cheesecake . So , I decided to buy my mom her birthday present , a butterfly wind chime that cost ten dollars . Tiger Lily " oh yes speaking of which yup i 'm still here in lancaster , england . two mWritten by There is no sheet on the bed , it 's still in the net , waiting to be stretched over my cushy mattress . The kind that gives extra support for a bad back . At the end of the bed is a mini refrigerator , unplugged because I don 't have a lot of food in the house . Next to that , and in front of my closet , is my dresser with the 10 " TV on top . I don 't use that much either . The dresser is painted like a house and weighs about that . The lamp behind the TV and on top of the dresser is also not used , and covered with a pink wig I once wore to Youmacon 2007 . My closet door is open . A Love Hina ! poster is taped to the door , next to a flying dragon puzzle glued onto cardboard and nailed to the wall above my dresser . Next to the closet , and directly across from me , is a corkboard covered with tickets to the Winter concert of the Transiberian Orchestra , an old Cedar Point Admission ticket , two bookmarks , a list of creative nonfiction literature , and blue tacks . The door is on the left , slightly open with a meijer trash bag dangling from the handle . A blue hawaiian cloth with white hibiscus flower and gold leave print hangs over the doorway . In the far left corner is my open bookcase . I call it open because it has four shelves , but no sides . So the books have a habit of falling off when they tip over . In addition to books , there is also a wooden wolf statue stuck in howling pose , an ugly brown dog from Cedar Point , two mini Pikachus , the 1 and 9 candles from my 19th birthday , which was celebrated in my small Aquinata dorm room , a slinky , two artificial leis - - the purple on my Aunty Rachel made - - and a random assortment of jewelry boxes . Against the left wall is my desk where everything important ends up , heaped in piles . Among bills , loans , pay stubs , and forgotten homework , there is a sketcher 's statue , stuck in a suave bow to an empty audience . A picture of my deceased grandmother and my grandfather holding me when I was just a baby , with the Hawaiian mountains in the background , is framed with pink netting . Another picture of Sora , froWritten by This is NOT a rhyme , not to a sing - song voice that says " Looooove meeeeee ! " because I TELL my story . NONot an artificial " I 'm too sad to cope , so I 'll spit my words out by struggling to say what I mean to say by not saying exactly what I mean by meaning what I say only as long as I 'm saying it " . . . NONot a torn - out " I live in the ghetto and got abused by my girlfriend too many times , too many bullets in the head , so many times that I can 't believe I didn 't realize sooner " I 've heard so many times I can 't believe I 'm still listeningNOMy life is not a beat from the street , not a sad expose of how I turned my life around , not the insanity of being a loner , unwanted , afraid , manhandled , passionate , creative - - All I am saying isI don 't write poetryI 've never seen the sun in the stars or the stars in the moon or the moon in your hair - - but I CAN say it 's been dyed too many times . So many , in fact , that it resembles the crater - strewn dried out surface of an uninhabitable rock . My story cannot be stretched out , blown up , used to float through the layers of the atmosphere , layers of belief , religion , living , dying , moral ethics , logical physics , wildly played out fantasies of a person who knows who they are already because I don 't know who I am yet . Am I a Catholic - Jew - woman - person - lover - hater - fighter - follower - believer - skeptic - critic - dancer - singer - artist - - I can at least be that . But a poet . . . that 's been overplayed too many times . I hear " Poetry " and I say , " Shit ! Now this class is going to take ten times as long and make one - tenth the amount a ' sense ! " Rhymes , riddles , metaphors , between the lines , between the sheets , love , passion , understanding , hating , reasoning , the image of an image beyond an image behind an image of the man you sat down with on the bench while you were listening to your iPod and he was feeding the birds bread out of a paper bag - - God All Mighty have mercy on our souls ! Because that 's not my gig dawg . Thas not how I roll . So where do I belong , if it 's not with the poets ? Am I even a person ? Unable to express what I Written by Characters : BillMandéLuisClarkMarianneTomLisaHoboMuggerPainterCriticAct I : ( Modern Day ) All characters stand in line at the back of the stage , facing right - stage and spanning across so as to create the illusion of no beginning or end to the line . There is a sign hung above with an arrow pointing right , labeled " Gate 13 " From left to right : Luis , Clark , Mandé , Bill , Lisa , Tom , and Marianne . Luis and Clark are both young college men . Luis is spectacled and contently reading a newspaper , while Clark is tapping his foot impatiently and constantly looking at his watch . Mandé is not young but not old and is talking loudly on her cell phone , annoying the old man next to her , Bill , who is wearing an old suit with a bowler hat . Marianne carries a purse and keeps rummaging around in it , seeing if she has everything . Throughout the play she tries to keep the unruly kids , Lisa and Tom , from causing too much mischief . Tom is chubby and is sucking on a lollipop , and Liza is a skinny , hiding half of ehr face behind thick , dark hair . Mandé and Bill are center - stage and talk louder than the others , who make background noise as to give the illusion of a crowded place . Mandé ( with a southern drawl ) : Yes , Ma . Can you believe it , engaged to this bum who doesn 't even spit out a dime , and I 'm the one stuck picking his god damn children up . ( pause ) Uh - huh . Ma , I 'm telling you , even though this guy 's a prick , he 's loaded ! ( pause ) What ? ( more loudly ) What ? ! Of course he 's paying for the gas ( pause , as if in agreement ) and the hotel room ( pause , nods her head ) and the car . Bill ( mumbling to himself , obviously annoyed ) : That damn woman better shut her trap . Jesus , if Sara turned out that way I would have beat the shit out of her . Yappin ' on about things no modest woman would do . For Christ 's sake , how long will I have to listen to this racket ? Mandé ( oblivious to Bill 's discomfort ) : Yes , last night . With candles and everything . ( loud boisterous laughter ) No ! No ! Not here , not now . But I can say that it was a hell of a time . Later this week Written by Be right back . I don 't know how this is going to go , but I 'll be driving down to Cherry Bomb , on Cherry St . , to see who I can meet . So until that time has passed , and I can write at last , I 'll post this for now as a marker for how I almost got to post something insightful - - hopefully delightful - - today . If you know about it too , I hope to meet you there so we can share all the things we don 't want to say - - but say things that we may or may not present - - during the time we spend together . . . Perhaps we 'll find that it was more than what we bargained for . For now , I 'll have to say : brb Vrooom - - Screech ! Crash ! Thud ( Scream ) Clopclopclopclopclop brrrring brrrring brrring " 911 , what is your emergency ? " Shuffleshuffle thud . Shuffleshuffle thud . Smack ! Wamwamwamwhamwamwam . Beedledeebeedlebee . WamwamwamWHAMWAMWAMWAM ? ! WeeoooWEEoooWEEOOO - - chakkaaah ! Clopclopclopclop - - shick ! Fumble . . . zzzinzzzinzzin . . . Arghs / Ughsssshhit - - zzzinzzzinzzzin - clang ! shick ! WEEOOOWEEoooWeeoooweeooo . . . . . . Check . . . Check . . . Onetwothree - onetwothreefour . . . Beeeeeeeeeeep . . . ZAP - - bah beep . . . bah beep . . . bah - beep - bah - beep - bah - beep - - ssshhit ! Wamwamwamwahhh . . . " Where am I ? " Wamwamwamwahwah . . . " Where 's my mom ? " Wamwam . . . Whamwamwah . . . " Mom ? " " I am here , honey , don 't worry . " " What happened ? Where am I ? " " The test sheets show there are some bone fractures to both legs , and his left arm is broken in two places . " " Alright , Mrs . Claymore said go ahead with the operation . " " But . . . the risks . . . there is some decent brain damage and - - " " Right now , whether he dies or not is up to a being greater than me . " Shuffleshuffleshuffleclopclopclopclopclop . . . Look stage left . . . look stage right . . . look up . . . exit left while the light dims to dark . I walk back from my car , trailing a blue suitcase across the uneven grass . Unmowed , craggy , and sparse . It was the house I remembered renting for two - sixty a month , not including gas , electricity , cable , internet , and water . My head felt fuzzy with jet lag , but I hadn 't rode a plane , just a two - and - a - half hour car ride from Bay City where my parents ( my mom and my step - father Phil ) lived . It was disconcerting . I was in a bad mood that day . The return to college after over a week in two different states - - one in which I worked at a large amusement park , and the other where I visited my family - - wasn 't full of hugs , smiles , and a circle of friends . I was greeted at the door by a messy living room , beer bottles crowded in a triangle on the coffee table and scattered instruments of Rock Band lying abandoned for midnight rides to Steak n ' Shake . Climbing the creaking stairs , and turning down the narrow hallway to my room on the end , the cries of lazy college life waved my return home . Dirty clothes , piled blankets , scattered papers . . . A disorganized mess that I liked to call my own creative expression of inner torment , of an imprisoned soul . I sat down and stared at myself in every crease of cloth folded over another forgotten homework assignment , not turned in because it had been too late . . . That prompted me . What day was it ? Oh yeah . Sunday . I just drove from Mom 's house . So it 's still Sunday . Not Monday . I have time . . . What am I supposed to do again ? Where are my books ? Are they still in the car ? I search a little . The mass of junk in my room intimidated me , and I stop after only a few seconds . Knowing if I couldn 't remember right away then it wouldn 't come back to me for a while yet . All I could do now was wait . So I sat down and turned on my computer . I have a horrible memory . Long - term and short - term - - all shot to hell . Like a slice of Swiss cheese with more holes than cheese , my life is in flashes , colors , voices , and faces . Rarely do I remember a name before saying it ten times . My daily routine consists of losing my Written by It was not too long ago , it seems , when the night was darker than all nights before , the silence thicker than all pauses in the English language . I was gripping the phone close , as I always did , like it was real , in front of me , holding my hand . " What do you mean ' I can 't do this anymore ' ? " He asked , his voice being forced through a cheese grater . I closed my eyes and took a breath . " I can 't live a lie anymore , Ross . We don 't have anything in common , don 't you see ? You like Programming , and no matter how many times I try to sound enthusiastic about it , it still bores me . " We seemed mysteriously disconnected . I used to be able to see him next to me , talking to me as I lie on the couch , legs dangling over the sides and my head resting on the opposite arm . Now , it was just me . Alone , and two thousand miles away from any source of happiness in this prison cell . That was a year and a half ago . Now I am in another long - distance relationship , one I like to believe more fruitful than my last one . We call each other pet names , like love , honey , sexy - - but that isn 't what a relationship is . What is a relationship ? I sighed on the phone with Austin and said , " I just need a break . Really . I 'm still nineteen , I 'm young . I need to experience things and grow . . . " His voice was choked . He probably didn 't know what to say without either being angry or crying . He was a sweet boy . Eventually he conceded , and we hung up mutually knowing that we may not talk again for a long time . " I 'm free ! " I yelled into the night air , sucking sweet Winter air into my lungs , " I can do whatever I want now ! " I was in my own little world . Paying attention to no one coming or going into the college cafe , I ran without any destination . I was in just a T - shirt and jeans in the middle of February , and I felt warmer than a poached egg on the Death Valley sand . I was free . But , it didn 't last for long . I felt that thirst for attention crop up again , and I started talking to Sean more , one of Austin 's best friends . No . It didn 't swing that way . But . . . I had once thought iWritten by We are a nation torn apart at the seams . Family , friends , and lovers fighting against each other for a greater cause . The Trail of Tears was not too long ago , Linda Hogan said in her memoir The Woman Who Watches Over the World , the Japanese containment camps are still haunting the west shores . The cries of race riots in Detroit still shake the brick foundations . And still every day , children are born with this legacy of oppression , freedom , greed , and oppression . This is why depression is the most over - diagnosed mental illness in the United States . Hogan writes how , even though half - Native American , she can still feel the pain of her people in her veins . Her people were the natives of this land , something we will never be able to understand - - only sympathize - - and we are the ones who killed them . " It wasn 't me . " Someone said once , when I made an off - handed comment about the U . S . taking the Native land , " I wasn 't the one who was there . " Perhaps not . But perhaps your great grandparents were . Perhaps your grandfather could have stopped it , but didn 't . Aren 't we all criminals since we didn 't do anything about it ? Still aren 't doing anything about it . In chains , they were dragged around in chains ! Dark heads bent against the blows meant for evil , the Devil , wicked demons born for nothing but mischief . But the Africans were human , singing and dancing like we all do - - try to , now - - with the rhythm of their souls , a beat we Americans find hard to hear . Thump thump - thump rat - ta - ta - ta thump thump - thump . And their legs would kick up in the dirt , their voices gay for a moment . Then the crack of a whip would break their perfect world . And still , during World War II , we sent our own Japanese soldiers into their Native land , had them fight their brothers and sisters , parents , and cousins , and then when they returned we put them into concentration camps . Even after they were released they were unable to find jobs , housing , even restaurants put signs on their front doors reading , " No Japs Allowed . " Ours is a country of fear - - of pain , tormWritten by I set my pencil down . Looking around for my notebook , my homework assignment shoved inside , piles of papers , clods of clothes , and bundles of boxes are strewn about , tripping me and obstructing my search . Not on my bedstand , where my bamboo plant casually tilts its head up at me . Not underneath my bed , where a tool bag , photo album , change jar , and box of nail polish great me . Nor underneath the clothes or papers . Not in my backpack , which holds my greasy work uniform from yesterday night . My eyes gaze high , low , under , and behind , but cannot seem to find it . I am about to turn around when I catch sight of a worn gray corner poking out of the pile of papers on my desk . My eager hands dart forward , and I trip over a box full of Salvation Army donations . Yes , my Creative Nonfiction binder . I return to my bed . My hand reaches into the folds to grab my pencil , but stops short . Shock freezes my eyes , melts into disappointment , and boils up with aggravation . Now I couldn 't find my pencil . It was raining . Cold . Windy . The duct tape on my front bumper had been ripped off by the elements of late Michigan fall ( or early winter ) , and I was in the middle of taping it back on , wiping the bumper dry with my hat and applying tape in perpendicular stitches . Stitching up the wound . A car nudged into the space beside me . An alarm was set off in the back of my mind , and I jerked out of the way , giving a hard look into the driver 's side window . An elderly man stared back at me . He looked sorry . I bent down on one knee to commence the delicate operation again . The sky melting against my skin and sliding uncomfortably into the folds of my T - shirt . My black jacket was dripping . Jeans . Brown shoes . On the pavement , my hands shoved under my wide Oldsmobile Cutlass , oil clinging to the moist pores of my skin , a strange old man watching and staring , people exiting the Rite - Aid in front of me , entering , exiting again - - I sighed . Finally wrapping the tape into a rope and tying the bumper to an underside pipe , I sat back and wiped my hands on my pants . Hopefully , I thought , it 'll hold for another four hours . . . It was called the Universal Education Project . The distinguished Academy of Universal Science and Technology planned it all . They are the ones responsible . Responsible for all those people … It was a simple series of experiments at first . The scientists made observations and recorded which method of teaching was suitable for a certain race and species of race . For example : Kaelings , who are of the Nightshade family and blind , would not be taught with the same method as Aeroginiuns , who have keen eyesight but lack the brain capacity to learn complex analytical problems . In the beginning , the purpose of the Universal Education Project was to create a minimal amount of teaching methods that would benefit all races , all ages , and all sexes on all charted planets of the entire universe . But that was before the original President and Principal of the Academy passed away , only to be replaced by Jütena Kogo . My first impression of her was that she was passionate about science , but passionate didn 't even cut it close . She was insane . Immediately after she was appointed President of the Universal Education Project , she proposed a radical plan that would change the lives of the UEP children forever . A plan to cut and paste genes within the brain cells of the mind , arranging them so that the child would be able to use his or her full brain potential . And so the Universal Education Project changed its name to SIN , Synthetic Intelligence Network , and was led ruthlessly by Jütena , or Professor Kogo . But … it was just like its name . SIN children were treated like animals ; kept in cells and forced to eat " brain food " that tasted so bad some threw it up right afterwards only to be jabbed at with a ZG - 41 , which sent 2000 volts through the being 's body . When it had been UEP , the subjects were on a voluntary sign - up . It only took the waving of a signed custody warrant with the Emperor 's stamp of approval before SIN operatives could yank a child out of the arms of his or her family and enroll them in the program . It was dIndigo Ink He was sitting on the futon couch , recluse , unmoving . With thick eyebrows and a jutting , angular chin , he was my male counterpart . Born to the same mother and father - except two years , ten months , and fifteen days after me - his tall , lanky body , with arms and legs like a grasshopper , was of the same genes , but completely different . Nature had stretched the miracle of gene distribution too far . When the sperm had lost its tail and fertilized the egg , it was carrying a math textbook and English dictionary , with an atom - sized puzzle book in case the trip from vaginal opening to mid - fallopian tube exhausted its reading material . Somehow , it transferred similar physical DNA , enough for people to know we were related . Nonetheless , the abstract behavioral genes got switched around somewhere , and eighteen years later , I was standing over him , plucked eyebrows and round face , trying to bridge our two worlds . " So , how are your classes ? " I said , watching him absorbed in TV with a Nintendo 64 controller in his hands . It took a few seconds for him to respond , but at last he murmured , " Okay . " Then he returned to his video game . I sighed inwardly and looked back where my mom once had been , through the open door and into the kitchen . The rosemary - chicken smell saturated the air , promising her eventual return . Spend time with your brother , she had said , glancing at me once before returning to chopping vegetables . Stop talking on the phone with Austin and bond with Jared . You haven 't seen him in a year . Easier said than done . Taking another look at my brother , and receiving no further aid , I decided to sit down beside him and wait it out . Mario is flying now . A little red overall plumber wearing a ridiculous raccoon hat and soaring over the two - dimensional landscape of walking mushrooms , vicious flowers , and enlarged pipes that lead to wonderful fantasy worlds with some evil afoot - but a clear way to defeat it and return safely - money floating in the sky , and ninety - nine lives . If only life could be so easy . " Mom said you wWritten by The power and extension of things is amazing . Have you ever held a penny , for example , and thought of all the places a single penny has been ? Especially now , when American money has hit its peak and being used worldwide . Heck , you could be carrying a penny that went to France ! Or Jamaica ! Or Indonesia ! For some people , the only foreign experience they have is through things . Transported , traded , commodities that no one gives a second glance . However , knowing that many unrelated things found around the world could link people from a single restaurant in a single town in a single country is cool . The reality is : Americans are broken . These things pose less significance or usefulness than the truth , and keep people individual , unique , and separate . Where do your things come from ? Where are they going ? And , also , you ?

You know those guys who wear orange vests and carry glowing orange sticks so they can direct you where to park when you are going to a concert in the the city ? Well , on Sunday morning , those same guys stand in the parking lot of the local elementary school amid waving flags that read " True North Church , " directing worshippers where to park as they arrive for the morning service . I pull my car into a spot near the front , wishing I could have parked further in the back , in a place less open . I follow a trail outlined in volunteers in neon green t - shirts that read " I Can Help ! " into the lobby of the school I attended as a sixth grader 13 years ago . The lobby is crowded , filled with tables with signs reading " What 's Next ? " and " Compass Kids Check - in . " Off to the side , there are refreshment tables with water jugs and light snacks . Two volunteers stand along side a computer monitor at an information station , disseminating information . I remember that the lobby looked similar during my sixth grade enrichment fair , though the tables displayed replicas of classic American landmarks , like my own Golden Gate Bridge , rather than God 's word . I enter into the gym , which seems to be transformed into a sanctuary of sorts . There are eight rows of blue folding chairs in the middle , facing a stage decorated with dark black fabric . There are six rows of the same folding chairs angled at the stage to the left and right of the center set - up . The stage is home to a large drum set , a drum set encased in a clear walls . There are other instruments on the stage , as well , including a keyboard , two guitars , and a bass . Above the stage , aligned left and aligned right are two large monitors that rotate through the following five slides : " Welcome Home , " " Download the True North App , " a compass kids advertisement , a website advertisement , and an Instagram handle . Most of the congregation appears to be in their 20 's or 30 's , and most attendees are couples . There are a few families throughout the church , but many take their children to a classroom just down the hall from the gym . Those sitting in the folding chairs talk over coffee . Most of the seats are still open , and groups of young people stand around the room in animated conversation , conversation full of laughter and leaning . I am the only person sitting alone . At 11 am , a countdown begins on the screens , and Judah , the creative Pastor of True North , begins talking to the congregation , inviting them to share in the worship experience that True North has to offer . The displayed experiences on the screen show baptisms , youth group , church set up , and Compass Kids classes . The soundtrack of the video is so loud that I can feel the music vibrating in my chest and through my feet . The service begins with three songs , and all the members of the congregation stand and sing along with the projected lyrics . Hands are raised . Feet tap . Bodies bounce up and down , as though they are channeling a spirit outside themselves . The music stops , and we all sit down . A video begins playing , introducing the More Initiative , a tithing initiative that will help the church develop its own permanent location . Then , church announcements are shared , a baby is dedicated to the church , and the baptism schedule is discussed . That 's when the congregation is invited to stand and greet each other . As I do so , Judah , a former classmate of mine , approaches , taps me on the shoulder , and then opens his arms for a hug . " I 'm so glad you made it , " he shares . Then , he sees I am sitting alone . " I will sit with you . You shouldn 't have to sit alone . " I think for a moment , and then I am reminded of On Looking by Alexandra Horowitz , a book that shows us " how to see the spectacle of the ordinary . " I wonder what he can tell me about all of the items they set up . I was still struggling to see the space as more than the place I used to eat my lunch in the middle of the afternoon . " It 's different , " I said . " Very different . I 've never seen a church with screens before . I think that if more churches had those , people would come more often . We 're so used to looking at screens . " He laughs . Then he shakes his head . " People think that , you know . They think if their church just had this stuff , more people would come . But this stuff really isn 't different than anything else . I mean , yea , we put the lyrics on a screen , but other churches have the lyrics in accessible song books . I just see it as my job . I 'm the creative pastor . God is the ultimate creator . Everything I try to do is just a way to channel his creativity . I try to make the normal be more of an honor to Him , but our church in Haddonfield , it doesn 't have any of this and it has 160 loyal attendees every Sunday at 10 . It 's not about what you have . It 's about the experience . " He points to the seats . No , I look again . He 's not signaling to the emptying seats but motioning toward the people filling them . " This . These . These people are the church . This building isn 't the church . Church isn 't about a building . You know , my mother - in - law can 't seem to wrap her head around a church that 's mobile . " He 's explaining that while a church provides a foundation for many , a church doesn 't actually need a foundation . I 'm reminded of the Francis Nurse 's claim in Arthur Miller 's The Crucible , in which he says , " My wife is the very brick and mortar of this church . " The congregation is the foundation ; the people are the ones that can be relied on for guidance , for direction , for comfort , for prayer . The building itself doesn 't do anything . The building is just a place for the church to come together . I ask about the band whose music served as book ends during the service . I say something about how it must be cool to have rock music at church that people enjoy singing along to , but he corrects me , albeit politely , informing me that there are many misconceptions about that , as well . Worship bands aren 't just about the music . The participants are church leaders , directing and engaging worship , channeling the spirit for others . I nodded , taking in his perspective , seeing the pieces less individually and more as components of one whole . And then , unexpectedly , his words became more than words . An old friend , a friend I hadn 't seen in years approached , " Lauren ? Is that you ? How 's it going ? It 's been a while ! " We talked for a bit , and he said he was glad to see me there . He told me that attending this church has been one of the best choices he made . I saw the church as the people in it . 3Apr2015 Post Interview Reflections : Student Steven ( Online Interview 1 ) Posted in Networking , Religion , research practice by addeol46 If anyone had told me when I first started this blog and this research task that I would have made a contact with a student in Indonesia , I would have scoffed . It would have seemed so unlikely to me that something so borderless could occur in my life . Alas , I 'm glad no one had told me that ahead of time because I would currently be eating my words . I interviewed student Steven Djie , a fellow WordPress blogger , via e - mail on Friday , March 27 . I sent him a series of ten questions after having several previous e - mail exchanges about his religious beliefs . My goal was to learn what drew a teenager to be so close to God and so in tune with his faith . Within a few days , I received answers back to the ten questions I had asked , and all were insightful . I know I shouldn 't have been shocked that they came from a 17 year old because I have grown accustomed to reading his well - developed , thought - provoking blog posts , but Steven 's keen eye for understanding at such a young age continues to amaze me . Steven doesn 't attribute his faith or relationship with God to any particular moment . Instead , he attributes it to the work of the Holy Spirit . Being that he is Chinese in Indonesia , as is his family , he feels like Christianity wasn 't necessarily a choice but an aspect of his family history . He develops his faith by attending a Christian school where most of the subjects are studied through a Christian lens . This was something new to me , as I didn 't necessarily know there was a Christian way to study things like economics . In addition to the regular subjects , they have sermon - like lessons and worship sessions at least three times a week . Outside of school , Steven studies the Bible , prays , and listens to and writes worship music . For him , it is a way to write about life and minister at the same time . Many of his friends kept blogs , and for this reason , Steven also started blogging about his faith . Writing the blog has helped him develop and further his Bible study . Overall , Steven feels that his biggest difficulty is approval . He sometime feels conflicted about wanting to fit in with friends and following his relationship with God . He has said , though , that his faith tends to win in these situations . I believe I asked a variety of questions which enabled me to get interesting and dynamic answers . Being that Steven is a blogger , he provided thorough written responses through e - mail . I could also pick up his voice through his writing , much like I can when I read his blog posts . InterViews by Brinkmann and Kvale suggest that one measurement of interview quality is the extent of spontaneous , rich , and relevant answers ( 192 ) . While I received rich and relevant answers , the e - mail format of the online interview kept the spontaneity at a minimum . Especially after completing successful face - to - face interviews , the unique twists and turns of conversation were absent from the e - mail exchange . This could be simulated more through repeated back - and - forth e - mail messages , though with our time difference and schedules , this level of constant communication was simply not possible . 1 . Your blog post mentions that you had a wavering relationship with God prior to this year . What occurred that pushed you to God for good this time around ? Was it an event ? A conversation ? A book ? Please explain . You know I think that everything that I am and have become is all the work of the Holy Spirit . It really isn 't my doing or my desire for God . No one desires God ( says Romans ) . So i 'd have to say nothing new / different occurred to me that really made me draw closer to God . Because always , it 's the work of the Holy Spirit Himself . But I guess what 's harder is not maintaining the relationship itself . I think what enabled me to really maintain the relationship is because I have decided to deal with certain sin - strongholds that I 've held on for years . 2 . I know that the majority of Indonesians practice Islam . Why do you personally practice Christianity as opposed to Islam ? Do you think your geographical location in the country impacted your choice ? If so , how ? My family is Chinese ( race ) . In Indonesia , the people who practice Islam are mostly native Indonesians . The Chinese people usually practice Christianity and Buddhism in Indonesia . It is very rare to see a Muslim Chinese Indonesian . I don 't think my geographical location really impacted my choice . It 's all family . 3 . You mentioned in our e - mail conversations that you attend a Christian school . Elaborate on this descriptor of " Christian " school . What is it that makes your school a Christian school ? My school adapts a classical education - approach . For the maths , english , sciences , we use Cambridge curriculum , which is the most popular curriculum used in Asia aside from International Baccalaureate ( IB ) < - maybe since you 're teacher you 'd know that . But we have subjects such as History and English Literature which we don 't use the Cambridge curriculum . We study Lit and History and Indonesian Civics from a Christian approach , connecting with Biblical principles etc . Every morning we 'd have ' Chapel ' . It 's like homeroom . We would have a praise and worship time . Then , a Christian teacher would teach some Christian values , almost like a sermon in church . This year , the theme is the Ten Commandments . So , each commandment is the topic of the chapel time for one whole month , with the exceptions of special times such as Christmas or Easter . 4 . Additionally , in an e - mail , you mentioned that you find it challenging to live out your faith through your actions . What do you think your biggest difficulty is in terms of practicing your faith ? Why do you think this is so challenging ? The biggest difficulty is the approval idols . I want to do good , but sometimes with the perverted friends that I have , it 's hard to do it . It 's all about approval . I 'm a normally introverted person , and I tend to seek approval a lot . But I 'm trying to kill those idols . I 'm teased a lot at school . Sometimes my friends can get pretty annoying . And , in these times , I can still feel God 's protection . I can feel His assurance of deliverance . I can hear Him say that I am enough and that I don 't need to prove anything to be accepted by anyone . It 's those moments where God reminds me of His love . God is everywhere in my life . Reading the Bible , praying , praise & worship through songs . Those three things are a must for me . Most especially reading the Bible . I think reading the Bible and praying is so important . I 've always known worship music . As I said , my school holds praise and worship every morning for 3 days a week . But in the past I never liked them , not because they did not sound musically good , but because I thought it was so pious and weirdly religious . I think worship music reaches to the heart and if one doesn 't open up one 's heart to hearing His voice , one wouldn 't enjoy worship music at all and would try hard to avoid it . You know worship music should never be a replacement to Bible reading . That 's what I learned . Worship music is written by people so its not and will never be the Bible . Worship music can only ' minister ' to people . I guess at a certain degree , it helps make me feel God 's love and presence more . But not the same as when I read the Bible . As for the Worship music I write , like all the things I write , I hope to convey a message that will bless and minister to others when I sing it to them . I 've always been intrigued in writing songs . Taylor Swift is one of my favorite artists of all time , and she is a singer - songwriter who writes all of her songs based on her personal life . i 've always been inspired by her . And , as for writing worship music , it kind of just came to be . I had a conversation with my cousin who also writes songs and she said how songs always convey a message and should not just be like a diary . That really inspired me . So I started uniting both my life experiences and the message I wanted to convey to people so that people can both relate to it and at the same time be ministered . A lot of my friends have blogs . I 've always loved writing , ever since I was a kid . I 've always had a lot of things in my mind . And I knew that I need something to just pour my thoughts out on . So I created a blog . Its definitely helped remind me of for example verses that I would typically forget after several weeks or so . I opened the doors to The Treehouse in Audubon , New Jersey for the second time on Friday , March 27 . I was scheduled to interview the owner , Randy Van Osten , who is currently a student at Palmer Theological Seminary , pursuing a Masters in Divinity . He is also an associate pastor at Oaklyn Baptist Church in Oaklyn , New Jersey . The interview was scheduled for 4 : 30 , and it was only 4 pm , so I perused the menu of coffees , teas , and bakery items , many of which are fair trade and / or vegan . I settled on a cup of The Republic of Tea 's Strawberry Vanilla tea being that I have given up coffee in honor of Lent . I took the steaming cup back to a table by the front window and unloaded some items from my overloaded shoulder bag - a computer , a notebook , my field notes , and a pen . As I waited for my tea to cool , I scanned the room . In a Facebook message prior to our meeting , Randy had told me the family opened the cafe as a space where customers could feel God 's love and presences , and I wanted to see if that translated in my opinion . I was drawn to a sign by the coffee stand and supplies , a sign that read " Mugs , Not Drugs . " I chuckled at the positive play on words . The owners definitely have a sense of humor . Additionally , the space was warm as the three baristas were singing a song together as they swept and wiped down the counters in preparation for the music event that would take place in the space later that night . I felt at home and settled in . I must have felt more settled in than I looked because at about 4 : 30 , I was surprised by a voice behind me . " Lauren ? " the voice said . " Hi , I 'm Randy . Did you need another minute before we get started ? " I looked up and then quickly grabbed the books I had strewn on the chair across from me . " Not at all , " I replied . " Please . Sit . It 's really a pleasure to me you . " I am surprised to see the figure matching the voice is wearing shorts , r sandals , a Palmer Theological Seminary t - shirt . He also has a piercing in his left eyebrow and long hair tied back with a bandanna . I feel like I have nearly forgotten that pastors can be regular people , too . I opened my field notes book atop an outline I had made , and that 's when I began . I introduced myself and summarized my research , explaining my interest in spiritual journeys , particularly the journeys of millennials or those in their late teens and 20 's . At that moment , I could have thrown my outline into the wind because I only referred to it one time in the remaining hour of our interview . Our interview , thanks to my introduction , opened with a discussion about millenials in church , as this is also something Randy is researching at seminary . According to his findings , this age group seems to have an aversion to church , about 33 % of this group argues this aversion is predicated by the aversion to the formal structure of services . They also want to be able to make a difference , and the church doesn 't really give them that opportunity . Many churches today operate on the system of the 3 B 's : butts , buildings , and budgets . They aren 't as much about the people as potential members would hope . Serving as a youth pastor for the last six years , this is something Randy is working to combat . His responsibilities include teaching and fostering socialization among the younger members of the parish . He mentions that the youth group , about 35 to 40 6th graders through 12th graders , at his church " likes to have fun " when they meet from 5 : 45 to 7 : 45 on Sunday nights . In addition to youth group , Randy has worked to develop a contemporary service , the second service at his church on Sundays that targets an audience of mainly 30 - to - 40 - something members with kids and families . This service includes a worship band , led by Randy 's wife , Theresa , that sings original songs and worship tunes from Chris Tomlin , Matt Redman , and Hillsong United . The service also features a more interactive sermon with video clips and reenactments to keep churchgoers more engaged and interested . He notes that in 20 minutes time , only 10 % of the church , the audible learners , would be able to remember a purely spoken sermon . Most people need a more experiential learning enviornment . Randy acknowledges that this contemporary service may not be enough to draw millenials back to the church , suggesting that we " don 't do church the way it 's supposed to be done . " Many church goers hang up their faith when they leave , simply going through cultural motions . Church should really include building a sense of community among believers , a community in which they could share meals and share life . They could read more of the Bible at home independently and discuss . They could go out and do things that serve the town . Randy stated , " If churches want to be seen , they need to go out and love on their community . Love is appealing . " This is why he takes the youth group out on one to two service opportunities a month , including visits at the Ronald McDonald House and Urban Promise Academy in Camden , New Jersey . On a personal level , Randy has been actively involved in church life from the time he was a small child . His father worked for the church , and Randy was in Bell Choir , Youth Choir , and Teen Choir . He also attended Sunday School , church , and youth group once a week from the time he was in Kindergarten through the time he was a senior in high school . Astonishingly , he received a calling to be a pastor at the young age of 13 as he listened to a family he was friends with speak at Camp Lebanon with his youth group . They had returned from four years of missionary work , and Randy explained that he felt God was speaking directly to his heart through this family . He felt that God was telling him he needed to be involved and be a leader . From that point , he never questioned his faith , though Randy admits to leading a double life at some points , particularly during college in which he was torn between God 's ways and the temptations of the ways of the world . He attended a Christian college , but there was still peer pressure in this environment , a statement also made by Jefferon Bethke in his book Jesus > Religion . Randy , however , acknowledges the importance of those experiences because he feels he can relate to people more and serve them better . To maintain his faith now , outside of church , Randy prays , reads the Bible , and the Book of Common Prayer of Ordinary Radicals regularly . He also does a devotional one to two times per week with his two young sons and with his wife , a practice that involves scripture reading and prayer . He used to play music , but between school and running his shop , he simply doesn 't have time time anymore . He began by explaining that he wanted the interactions between the staff and customers to be likened to that of family and embody a familial atmosphere . Randy explained that God can move any way he wants in the space . It could mean someone just enjoys themselves to someone learning about faith in one of the many Bible study or church initiate groups that meet there weekly or bi - weekly . With the recent news controversy about the Religious Freedom Act now effective in Indiana would have any bearing over the shop 's customers or target clientele , but Randy just laughed briefly and replied , " Jesus doesn 't discriminate . Not serving someone is crazy . " He explained that The Treehouse has suffered a bit from the stigma that might surround a Christian - owned business when they were located in Collingswood as opposed to Audubon . They were believed to be an anti - gay business , though this was never true , and were rivaled by another coffee shop in town owned by a gay couple . About a year ago , a customer entered the shop with his daughter . He said she had been invited to a birthday party there and asked if he would be welcome in the shop , as he was gay . Randy said his wife comforted the man and rid him of any doubt that his attendance would be a problem . As Randy retells the story , the man cried tears of love and acceptance . Furthermore , there have been small services and weddings for gay couples at The Treehouse . The rumors , which followed them briefly on the Audubon forum , have been annoying to Randy , but overall , they don 't seem to have affected his business . I was so nervous going into this interview that I over - prepared and had more than 15 pre - written questions , categorized by topics of interest in my research . I arrived so early , thinking I was going to be late . I was worried I was going to be disjointed and jumbled , jumping topic to topic to make sure I thoroughly covered Looking back , none of those nerves were necessary . The interview was comfortable and conversational , in addition to being informative . It turned out that simply sharing the scope of my research and interest was enough to give my interviewee guidance in terms of topics to ponder and discuss . I am glad that I practically through my questions away and didn 't read from them . I think one of my greatest successes was my use of " on - the - fly " questioning techniques from InterViews by Brinkmann and Kvale . In my introduction , I started with introductory questions , asking Randy to expand upon things he stated . Then , as his answers expanded , I asked follow up questions and pausing after his responses to see if he would share more . I asked a few specifying questions , such as those about his services , youth group practices , and personal practices . Finally , I ended with direct questions , specifically the question about being a Christian business owner ( 160 - 2 ) . This varied use of questioning enabled the interview to span the scope of nearly all of my research questions without becoming dull or routine . I almost wish , though , that I had stopped trying to connect my experiences as much as I did . I feel like he might have said more if I hadn 't spent as much time trying to relate with a personal experience to many of his comments . A bit of this enhanced the interview , but I worried I was doing too much . The Background Our third week of class this semester was canceled , but Elaine , Kristen , and I used the time to complete some work ahead of time for class . We met at The Treehouse to enjoy the coffee and the ambiance while we worked . About an hour in to our meeting , a group had formed in the space behind us , and they were watching a video via a large projector screen . We halted our conversation for a few minutes to see if we could figure out what the video the group was watching was about , and we begin to hear religious dialogue . That 's when Elaine , a frequent customer at the shop , had a mini - epiphany . She said that she thought they were a group from a seminary school , and that she thinks they met there weekly . She also exclaimed - she couldn 't believe she had forgotten - that the owner of the shop was a youth pastor at his church and she believed he was still studying at seminary school . Around the time Randy was 13 , he said that he felt God calling him to become to serve Him by working as a pastor . Eight years ago , he attended seminary for one year , and there he met the pastor of Oaklyn Baptist . Randy worked with this pastor as a youth pastor for seven years and was named Associate pastor last summer . In my research proposal , I mentioned that I had questions about millenials and their church going habits . This is something I hope Randy can shine a bit of light on , as he had been raised in a deeply faithful family and spent three to four nights a week at church in his youth . I 'd be interested to see what it was that kept him so actively engaged in the church community . Adding to this topic , I would like to know more about what it was like to receive a calling from God about a path for one 's life , especially at such a young age . I wonder if it would be something obvious or subtle ; after all , I 've heard the phrase " a calling " many times , but I don 't have a clear picture of what that might mean . As a student , the idea of schooling in preparation for becoming a minister is fascinating to me . I plan to ask Randy about the classes and lessons he had while at seminary . It might be interesting to see how it compares to a secular college experience , particularly in terms of practicality and applicability . I know teaching school was highly theoretical and not as practical as a teacher candidate might hope . I 'm curious to see if this is a transferrable phenomenon . I will be preparing an outline based on the topics featured in the section above , and each item in the outline will have a list of potential questions to ask . The outline will have focus , which Brinkmann and Kvale mention as a major characteristic of a qualitative interview in InterViews : Learning the Craft of Qualitative Research Interviewing . The topics above focus on youth in church , which is a topic in which I have been extremely interested since the start of this research project . This will keep the interview from being too scripted but also too nondirective ( 34 ) . I believe it will prompt my interviewee to share what he finds most important , and , as he is an expert in this area of the field , I am excited by the prospect of new information he might share with me . I have already explained the purpose of the interview to Randy , as I included the details in my original introduction , but I don 't necessarily want to get to The Tree House tomorrow and start asking questions . In InterViews , Brinkmann and Kvale suggest that an interviewer can engage in a funnel - shaped interview , an interview that features a roundabout approach with indirect questions until the purpose is revealed later in the interview ( 156 - 7 ) . I would like to try and start a general , more roundabout conversation with Randy before I jump into the questions , even though he already knows the purpose of the interview , because I want to work to establish a rapport of comfort and interest . This way , the interviewee will have a grasp of me , the interviewer , so that he can feel comfortable to talk freely and expose his experiences . Brinkmann and Kvale recommend this in InterViews ( 154 ) , and they suggest that this can be established by showing interest , understanding , and respect for what the interviewee is saying . Am I nervous ? Extremely . This is the first interview I have had to conduct since I wrote for The Whit during my freshman year of Rowan . I used to rehearse interviews and phone calls that I would have to make and my palms would sweat through the process . 16Mar2015 Kendrick Lamar : Rapper or Vessel ? Posted in Article Resource , digital resource , Personal Experience by addeol46 The senior cheerleaders on the team I coach were the first ones to introduce me to Kendrick Lamar . They asked if we could put his song " i " into our pep rally mega mix . I listened to the free clip available in the iTunes store and said it sounded good . When the girls brought the mix cd to practice , my heart almost exploded into my chest . There was some language coming out of the speakers in our high school gym that was much too explicit for me to have approved . I labored for hours to censor the swear words out of the mix without distorting the sound too much . I was sweating , but I was successful . All of the students loved the song and the routine . Now , with this experience in mind , imagine my shock when I saw that Revelant Magazine tweeted a link to an article titled " Kendrick Lamar : All I am is a Vessel , Doing His Work . " Um , there 's no way that this could be the same Kendrick Lamar who was rapping about the the mother " effers " who doubted him . Why would someone who uses that language be calling himself God 's vessel ? My mind went back to media debate from a few years ago , started when Kathy Griffin won an Emmy and declared she wanted to thank everybody but God . Huffpost Live discussed this claim and the thanks to God that celebrities give after winning awards , a video in which Gospel music producer John Murray states , " I just want your work to be at least church appropriate . If you can 't necessarily perform your work or at least go to church without feeling like a hooker in church , I think maybe you shouldn 't be thanking God . " I felt like Murray should be sharing this statement with Lamar . Then , I clicked on to read Relevant 's article . The article was short , only two paragraphs in length , but it linked to a profile of Lamar the New York Times published today . The profile , seemingly purposed to address the spiritual and politic implications of his new album , To Pimp a Butterfly , shares the key aspects of his spiritual journey and relationship with God . As it turns out , Lamar considers himself to be " saved , " thanks to a grandmother of one of his teenage friends in Compton , California approached him in a grocery store parking lot following the murder of one of Lamar 's friends and asked if he accepted God . He goes so far as to call the woman an " angel for [ he and his friends ] . " Just because Lamar considers himself to be save , he maintains his humanity and recognizes that he is more susceptible to sin . This new album was a way for him to explore , reflect , and share the stories of his struggle . Joe Coscarelli , the author of the Times article , writes " [ Fame ] brought only more opportunities for sin and self - doubt , an internal chaos reflected not only in Mr . Lamar 's intricate stories but also in vigorous jazz - and funk - inflected production that builds on the smoother West Coast sounds of his debut . " Okay , so now , maybe I can see how he would be working as a vessel . He 's sharing his constant struggle to do the right thing . Just because he isn 't what one would consider saintly doesn 't mean that he can 't be working to serve God . As the picture to left of this picture , which I conveniently found in my Facebook newsfeed when brainstorming for this post ( coincidence ? ) , reminds us , a servant of God doesn 't have to be perfect . If God found a purpose for Noah , Jacob , Moses , Rahab , and David , it doesn 't seem so absurd that he might find a purpose for a rap artist who liberally uses the " F " word . Perhaps Lamar is correct , and he can share the stories on his album because it 's part of God 's plan . Lamar is quoted in the Times article as saying , " I know that from being on tour - kids are living by my music … My word will never be as strong as God 's word . All I am is just a vessel , doing his work . " Lamar doesn 't seem to be too prideful for his own good ; in fact , he seems humble and understanding that he is a part of something bigger than himself . He seems like he wants to contribute anything that he can . Knowing this , I went back and took a closer look at the lyrics from the song , " i . " The intro verse of this song reads , " I done been through a whole lot : trial , tribulation but I know God . The devil wanna put me in a bow tie . Pray that the holy water don 't go dry . " The first sentence demonstrates that all of the difficulties Lamar has gone through but asserts that he has never wavered in his belief that God was with him . The second line that mentions the devil , according to Rap Genius contributors , alludes to funeral attire , as bow ties are often worn by the deceased . Because he hails from such a high crime area , it seemed likely that he would meet a fate similar to the terrible one of his friend . He looks to God though , the " holy water " to protect him and prays . As I write this , I have the song playing , and my mom is still complaining about Lamar 's language and her inability to understand any words besides the " bad ones . " I , on the other hand , have realized that maybe I shouldn 't be so quick to judge . After all , in addition to being religious and working to change the rap industry , Lamar doesn 't drink or smoke . He does say of himself , " From my perspective , I can only give you the good with the bad . " 12Mar2015 Dear Lauren : A Research - Related Surprise ! Love , iTunes . Posted in Article Resource , digital resource , Personal Experience by addeol46 As you may know , this week , I 've been working on a series of posts about religion , Christianity , and music . The first post touched on my experiences with music in church . The second post reflected on my impressions of three recommended worship bands . With this post , I 'm examining how I 've unknowingly been a fan of some Christian music for years and the implications of my discovery . Now , I 'm a bit embarrassed to admit this , but my iPhone is like an additional appendage of my body . I take it everywhere with me , and I almost always have at least one app running throughout the day . Saturday night was no exception . While I was getting ready to go to a designer bag bingo fundraiser , I set my phone on the bathroom counter and turned the volume up as my iTunes Music app shuffled through my library . Relient K came on as I was steadying my hand to put on eyeliner . That 's when I heard the line . Good thing I hadn 't started drawing on my lid yet , because if I had , I 'm certain I would have poked my own eye out in surprise . That line sounds extremely Christian , I thought as I put the eye pencil down on the counter . I started the song over and listened . Other lines from the song " Be My Escape " that struck me included the following : This may or may not surprise you , but in high school , I went through a major alternative , pop punk music phase . Relient K 's Mmhmm was among one of my favorites . I had always thought " Be My Escape " was a song about a desired relationship , a song about a guy waiting to finally get the girl . Was I naive ? Or just blissfully unware ? Perhaps because I 've been researching religion and spiritual journeys lately , the lyrics so obviously reveal the speaker 's connection with God . I 'm going to claim that I was unaware . As it turns out , Relient K is classified as Christian rock band . After sitting back and reading through lyrics of my favorite songs on Mmhmm , my favorite of the band 's albums , I feel like the band is having a conversation God rather than discussing love come and gone . For example , the song " The One I 'm Waiting For " sounds , at first listen , like a song about a young guy wanting the popular girl and being rejected . " And she 's so confident that she 's what everybody wants . But nobody wants her to know that . " This girl is admired , and the singer is left in the cold , alone , tapping his foot in anticipation for the rest of eternity . " And I 'm still waiting for you to be the one I 'm waiting for . " However , a more nuanced listen might suggest that the guy in the song isn 't just waiting for the girl to like him ; he 's waiting for her to change , waiting for someone who would be worth waiting for . Waiting . For . Could " the one I 'm waiting for " mean more than just waiting for her to be good enough for him ? Could it mean waiting for her to be the one worth waiting until marriage for ? Ah ! Abstaining - there 's a definitive Christian value . I went to work on researching Anberlin and found that many of the band 's members call themselves Christian but that Anberlin doesn 't recognize itself as a Christian band . However , they also imply that some of their songs may have Christian messages . In an article cited on Beliefnet , lead vocalist Steven Christian ( I promise , that 's his real name ) shares , " I just simply write about life experiences , and when God comes out , then God comes out … But I 'm also not going to inhibit that or I 'm not going to try to create that feeling just to sell records to more Christians or talk about God less just to sell more records to the general market . " Much like Anberlin , Switchfoot , creators of the song " Meant to Live , " which declares " Dreaming about Providence and whether mice or men have second tries . Maybe we 've been livin ' with our eyes half open . Maybe we 're bent and broken . We were meant to live for so much more , " is also often described as a Christian band . The members , also like Anberlin , work to reject this classification . Lead singer Jon Foreman , as cited on CTK Blog , states , " I am a believer . Many of these songs talk about this belief . An obligation to say this or do that does not sound like the glorious freedom that Christ died to afford me . " Once again , I receive clarification that , yes , that so much more we are meant to live for might mean Heaven . It might mean God . The band writes and believes as they see fit , whether they have a label or not . 1 . Christian music isn 't something only for the highly devout . It doesn 't live in churches . It lives and breathes in our society . It 's enjoyed by Christians and non - Christians alike . It can interpreted as being about God . It can be interpreted as being about a relationship . It can be interpreted as the listener so chooses , meaning it appeals to a wide audience , and that 's key for success . 2 . Christian music doesn 't have to be evangelical . It doesn 't have to be working to convert or change its audience . It can simply be about the artist sharing his or her feelings and his or her concerns . If others happen to enjoy it and relate , that is just a bonus . 3 . Christians can clearly still have an edgy side . Guitar riffs , loud drums , and somewhat abrasive sounds can be found on each of these bands ' albums . It 's not something made for the stereotypical old church lady , a small Sunday school student and a teenager . It can just appeal to the teenager . About a month ago , my family went to mass together for the first time in years . We sat in the pew , and I took one of the Breaking Bread 2015 hymnals from the shelf in front of me . I scoped out the board of hymnal number and bookmarked the page of each song that we 'd hear during the service that day . After each song was announced , the lone singer across the church rose and the organist pounded the keys to begin . Using the book as a guide , I sang along . And , allow me to clarify : by sing , I mean mouth the words practically under my breath . To be absolute , I never sing at church . It requires a level of confidence I just have never been able to muster . I glanced around at the surrounding pew occupants . I was in similar company . Everyone 's mouth was moving , but I didn 't hear any notes . No one was responding with the Responsorial Psalm . That voice was small but mighty . The person behind it was young , probably no more than 8 years old . He held no hymnal ; he used his hands for emphasis . He seemed to be moving because he was so moved . His mom , who must have noticed me looking , put her arm across his shoulders and smiled at me . I panicked . Did she think I was judging him ? I didn 't want to give the wrong impression , so I made sure to smile back before I turned around again . I wish I could say I was so inspired that I sang the next hymn aloud , but I did not . I had heard a powerful voice , but it wasn 't my own . I wasn 't yet moved to sing . Then , over the weekend , blogger weallseekhope 's post about worship popped up in my reader as though to give me some musical education . I 'd heard the word used as a verb , but now it was being used as a noun . Jasmine equated worship with music . She talked about a worship team , and I became curious again . Was my church the only church of voiceless singers ( I mean mouth - ers ) ? Were there more people as passionate about singing for God as the little boy who sat behind me last month ? She informed me of the following : This confession , then , is the first in a series of posts about music and religion . My next will share my impressions of the recommended bands and artists . If you have another that you think I absolutely must check out , please leave a name or link in the comment section !

I have been looking forward to this long weekend so bad , four days of working " weekend hours " , its the farm life dream . Before we get to the weekend though , there still has to be a Monday , Tuesday , Wednesday , and Thursday . You have probably never experienced a busier week in your entire life . The first draft of sales yearlings going to Johannesburg were leaving this Saturday , so there had to be shoeing and vet checking and some owners and trainers like to come look at the yearlings on the farm as well . Because it was technically only four days in this week , we had to squeeze everything in … we literally used every spare second on the clock to get things done . We made it though , and all on my own I managed to juggle the foals , the weanlings , and the yearlings , the treatments , the farrier , the vet , and everything in between . You know what makes it all worth it , when your boss tells you " … that he is really impressed with you , and really proud . " I can fully say with confidence that the horses going to the sale are ALL MINE ! They are my blood , sweat , and tears . I didn 't think anyone noticed how much work and effort I put into it , nevermind the boss . Now Mrs . So and So isn 't here , they finally see my light ! God has got my back , He always has . Like they say , Good always wins . Starting on the weekend … I just couldn 't wait to get Saturday over and done with . I wanted those horses on the truck and on their way to Johannesburg as soon as possible ! Just hoping and praying that the guys packed everything and the horses had all their stuff , and everyone got on the truck okay . To be honest , I have been so anxious I have not been able to sleep or eat at all . I have no idea why I was stressing about it , because it went smoother than a piece of silk . Another exciting thing happened this weekend , I made a friend ! Yes , your probably thinking , you should have tons of friends in Robertson , you 've been there for eleven months ! Holy moly , just got a fright ! I have been here for ELEVEN months ! Anyways , He ( yes , he ) is the resident " house - sitter " ( No , that 's not his real job . of course . ) My work colleagues occasionally ask him to house sit while they are away . He 's been here a couple of times , but I only properly met him on Friday after work . He wasn 't what I had pictured … down - to - earth , pleasant , has a rather capturing smile , and amazing manners … a proper gentleman . It was probably the first holiday since I left home that I didn 't feel completely alone . I am not the most social person on the planet , I would much rather get pizza and watch a movie under a blanket than go out drinking till early hours of the morning . I would rather go hiking , go on a road - trip , or do something exciting than spend every weekend at a different party . I guess that is why I haven 't made many friends in eleven months . But , I do have a best friend already , I feel like I don 't need anyone else . My sister is my best friend … she knows me better than anyone else ever could , heck , she knows me better than I know myself ! She know 's how I feel by simply reading my messages or hearing my voice . Some people meet their best friends in school , or wherever … I was just incredibly lucky that I grew up with mine . Wow , getting a little emotional over here on my couch . Excuse me , it happens every holiday , I am most emotional during these times of year . I am just super blessed , and super thankful for my family . Even though we are miles and miles apart ( I know South Africa use kilometers , but that statement sounds better in miles … even you have to admit ) Anyways , even though we are miles apart … I couldn 't feel closer to them . I am always surprised at how much can happen in a week ! I am never short of stories , am I ? Well , that is really all for now . April 9 , 2017April 9 , 2017justashyLeave a comment It 's been a busy week ( as usual ) thankfully , no tears this week ! I think I have found my greatest strength in my hardest fall . Something has changed , I feel confident and I feel like nothing can stop me . I am determined and I want to keep writing this chapter of my story . It 's been really busy at work , there is so much going on . Who said the off - season was quiet ? Uh , no … you are so wrong my friend . It could probably be because I am currently doing the work of two people ! I am actually glad because if I had to sit on my bum the whole day I think I would go insane . Sometimes I want to pull my hair out when I can 't get to everything , I have to put it off and separate everything so I can get it done . I wonder if anyone even notices how much effort I put in ? It doesn 't really matter to be honest , I know and God knows … one day they will all see . The next few weeks are going to be glorious , I wont have this dark cloud following me around just waiting to rain on my parade . This is my time to shine , this is my time to prove myself . I am going to have to pull up my socks , and tighten my belt . I can finally throw away my umbrella and let my light shine . Although , I am not going to lie . I have been overwhelmed by everything that I have to do , the sales preparation of thirty plus horses and departure of two sets of sales have been put on me and everything that goes with the two . Oh , wait … you thought I was done . No , in between I have to look after the yearlings and newest weanlings , as well as the foals that are still with their Moms . Well , It should not really be much of a challenge because I have almost been doing everything anyways . So , I am actually , kind of prepared . This is just everything 2 . 0 . Right now I am not even going to get into how much Mrs . So and So doesn 't even care how everything plays out and how I have had to hear it over and over again . I am sure I have bite marks on my tongue because I had to constantly hold my words last week . Nope , you know what , I am going to be okay . Look at me , my panic is pouring through my words . Can you blame me ? I just keep thinking - I did not graduate as top student twice and survive a season in New Zealand and make it through Karaka , do four seasons IN A ROW may I add , to not be able to do my job . This is the little league compared to what God has in store for me . One day I will be a manager , this is my time to take that first step . Prove that I can do this on my own … not for my boss , Mrs . So and So ( actually don 't need to prove anything to her at all ) , or anyone else . The person I need to prove myself to … is Me . So , let 's do this thing . Nothing is to big for a Hammond … bring it on . I am ready ! Until next week , Four Boots out . blog , Christian , diary , farmlife , horses , inspirational , joel osteen , lessons , life , pinterest , quotes , stud season , thoughts Before Alice went to Wonderland , she had to fall . March 26 , 2017March 26 , 2017justashyLeave a comment There is a saying , " When the going gets tough , the tough gets going . " What happens if your tough got going , but it just ain 't going anywhere , anymore . What do you do then ? I know better than to ask God , why cant I just be happy ? Why must there always be a person in my life that is set out to destroy me . Why ? I know this is His plan … there is nothing that is happening in my life right now that He doesn 't know about . I wish I knew what I was supposed to do though , where am I supposed to go from here ? I wish I had a copy of my story - wouldn 't that make life so much easier ? Then again , given the choice … would you really want a copy of your story ? Would you want to know every detail ? I know , I know - what lessons would you learn from not going through hardships , what would you learn if everything came easy ? Last week was one of the toughest weeks for me … it has been a build up for a long time but I finally cracked . I have always just pushed it aside , in hope that it will get better . That is just who I am . My breaking point came on a hot , Friday afternoon when I was called useless . I literally got a sharp pain in my chest as my heart broke … never in my life have I been put in a category as useless . I dedicated two years of my life on learning to do what I do , and always give it one hundred and ten percent . You couldn 't even begin to imagine what is behind this smile , what pain , what blood , sweat , and tears , all the stories behind becoming who I am today . You know what , I wouldn 't change any of it ! Not one detail . I have enjoyed every single minute on this farm , I have enjoyed the laughs , survived the tears , and made it through the pain . I can write pages and pages on how much I have learned , and how much I have done here . Is this God 's way of saying , " C ' mon Ash , don 't get comfortable now , your story has a twist ! It 's time for a new adventure . " I don 't know . I am just lucky that I have an amazing family by my side … I never have to go through anything alone , I never have to make any decisions alone . I just cant go wrong . That is where some people make the biggest mistake . I actually heard it in church today , the worst thing you can do is go through anything alone . Proverbs 4 : 7 - The beginning of wisdom is this : GET WISDOM . Though it cost you all you have . We should never be afraid to ASK questions , to ask for help . That is how we gain wisdom . Let me begin by saying that my sister and I had the most amazing , mind - blowing , bucket list - kinda - stuff , out of this world , unbelievable time in New Zealand . The things we did , the stuff we saw , times that will be treasured forever . I still cannot believe that we dreamed of the day we would travel together but it always seemed like just a dream . Now that dream came true and my sister and I have traveled not one , but TWO countries together ! All I really have to say is that we have an amazing God : we are crazy blessed ! I know this is only the beginning , we have many adventures to come . Oh , thank you for everyone who liked our travel Instagram ! # muchlove DCIM100GOPROG0015847 . I will be writing a separate blog post all about our time in New Zealand with pictures and all . I just wanted to let all my followers know that I am back , and fill you in on what has been happening since . Other than feeling like I have gone through a break - up ( with travel ) . Don 't laugh , I heard it is a real thing … When you 're not travelling this can be an overwhelming feeling , or when you think about the travel you 've done and you wish you could relive it all over again . This feeling is why you need to make the most of every moment ! It 's why the more you travel , the harder it gets . Can you actually believe I have been back at work for two weeks already ? So much is happening at the moment , we have started weaning the foals ( taking them away from their mothers ) . I was quite excited about this since I have never been around for the weaning process . It has been so much simpler than what books explain , or what I imagined . I guess all farms do it differently , but I really like the way our farm does it . It 's so hand - on and there is so much patience and care the foals don 't even know their mothers are gone . It 's pretty cool ! I try to be involved with as much as I can and help out wherever I can , even though I am technically on the yearling side . I am also assistant to the foaling side but apparently weaning is not apart of our job . Some people believe that if it is not in their job description then it 's not their " problem " . I cannot think that way , I believe every opportunity is a chance to learn even if it 's not my ' job description ' . This is the first farm I have been on where it has been like this . " Teamwork " is not a regular word here , it 's every man for himself really . I don 't really care about the whole , " this is my side , and that is your side " situation . If you need a hand , I will lend you one … if I see something that needs to be done , I am going to do it . That is how a stud farm works ! In between weaning , we have tons of sales preparation going on . Horses that need to go in the walker , horses that need to be groomed and hand walked daily . Then I have to look after the rest of the yearlings that haven 't made the cut for the major sales ( but will go to other sales ) , in between dealing with farriers , vet visits ( my favorite ) , and then my not so favorite - grumpy people , and people who don 't want to work . I just cannot believe that it 's been three weeks since our big adventure . Where did three weeks go ? I like being excited for something , looking forward to something . The next thing is that my family ( hopefully , the WHOLE family ) will be coming down to Cape Town to visit me … and and and , wait for it , another exciting thing is that my sister will be staying with me for a couple of months . Talk about looking forward to something , the time cannot come quick enough ! We can add some South African adventures to our list . So this week I need to conquer some mountains and make some decisions . So much going on in this head of mine , just too much to get through right now . I just wanted to let everyone know that I am back on African soil , back and blogging about life , horses , people , problems , everything really … you guys know me . January 25 , 2017justashyLeave a comment Before I begin , I need to state something that has been holding up this post . My blog is about my story , my experiences , the way I felt and the way I see the world . I am not here to just write about sunshine and roses because that is what people want to hear ! Life is not like that , life has it 's up 's and downs . I want to read back on these stories … I want to look back and say I made it , look who I am today ! Most of all , I want you to read it and think , " If she can do it , so can I ! " So , the January sale is done and dusted . Months of preparing horses day and night making sure they are in tip top shape to be sold under the judgmental , careful , extremely excruciating process of picking a champion . It 's always funny to me , you spend hours and hours with these horses , knowing their good side and their bad side like the back of your hands … and to give them away to the highest bidder who thinks that they walk just right , their legs are straight enough or their heads are in proportion to their bodies . What about that horse that has slightly skew legs but has the most loving nature … he could be a champion too . That is the thing though , you never know . It 's all about taking the chance ! Well , let me get to sales week . I have no idea where to begin ! Ready to go with new trainers and all , prepared for the hard work ahead . All thirty - six of our horses arrived at the Cape Town Convention Center mid - day on the 17th of January . I was so happy I got to drive in the truck with the horses , in the front ! Getting in with my short legs was a whole story on it 's own ! We stayed in a beautiful hotel , my room was awesome , the shower was grand , and the bed was comfortable . Much better than what we stayed at when we did sales in New Zealand ! I was not quite sure what to expect here , I was warned that it was going to be tough and a lot of hard work ( that never stopped me ) . I survived Karaka , I am sure a draft of thirty - six horses will be a breeze . I was suffering with terrible hay fever the whole week , barely being able to breathe through my nose , being sworn to and embarrassed in front of the biggest people in the industry on top of it all . Sound like fun ? People now tell me that it 's because " people " are under a lot of pressure , " they " are stressed , it 's a lot for " them " to handle . You know what , that is NOT an excuse ! I REFUSE to accept that , under the most stressful situation I believe you can find enough humility to treat people with respect ! Don 't you think we would then work harder and harder and try be better and better ? How do these people 's brains work ? Now I am the one who people will remember as the idiot that couldn 't do anything because that is how you portrayed me ! Sales ended with a sort of anti - climax , no celebration , no thank you , nothing . We had sold all the horses , packed up and went back to our hotels at nearly 12pm on Sunday night . I don 't want fancy champagne , I don 't want a box of chocolates , I just want a thank you … a simple thank you for all the hard work and even a sorry for being so hard , but we got nothing . I am trying to explain that feeling that I got , I simply cannot put it into words … being yelled at and well , you know - in Harry Potter what dementors do to wizards when they attack , they suck all the happiness out of the victim . I guess that is what it felt like , it felt like I was useless and there was no point in trying to prove him wrong because everyone close enough now believed it too . Through the tears streaming into my eyes , and broken voice , I still called lot numbers and greeted buyers with a firm hand shake and a big smile . I carried on . My light was fighting to shine through the biggest storm and strongest winds threatening to break the glass of my lantern and blow out my light . So , that was the sales all wrapped up short and well , depressing - sorry about that . I am not going to sit here and candy coat an experience because it makes good reading . This industry is not easy especially when you are five foot something , with a small voice and an extremely big heart , just wanting to make a name for herself , make her parents proud , and live a dream people only imagine in their lifetimes . I am glad I had a " friend " there , for months she had made sure I didn 't have it easy , but in the time where we had shared the same pain we sort of had an understanding . We wouldn 't have made it without each other . Who know 's what it will be like back on the farm … I am just glad that in a dark place the most unlikely person found their light . Let 's hope it keeps burning . Now only two weeks and a weekend and I will be setting off on a grand adventure with my little sister to New Zealand . Exhausted , and mentally finished , I simply really need to put the past behind me . I was trying to search for a soul gripping quote about letting the past go , and looking forward to the future . Well , you know what , there is really nothing more to be said . It 's that easy … just let go . There are more chapters in this book to read ! November 20 , 2016November 20 , 2016justashyLeave a comment I am sorry I haven 't posted in a long time . It feels like forever , to be honest I have sat down and wrote several times but my mind was not quite in the same place as my heart . My mother taught me to never do anything when I am angry . So it would have definitely showed in my writing . Well , the past two weeks has gone by in a flash . Last , last weekend I celebrated my 23rd birthday . My family brought me to tears as I opened their surprise package that they sent me . I was super emotional , I was going to say , " I don 't know why " but I am always emotional . That was the BEST part of the whole day . Too feel so close to them even though I am so far . Only one whole week has gone by since , and I need a foot rub , a back rub , leg rub , head rub , and can someone rub my heart too ? I have never ever experienced more mental drainage than physical . This job is definitely the other way round right ? ! You know those movies , where there is always that bad guy that wont settle until their lies and wicked ways ruin your life and make YOU look like the bad guy . HELP ME ! I have never had to deal with this before ! I am stuck between a rock and a boulder ! Like superheroes , and nerds , and those unexpected heroes that save the day . I don 't feel like one of those . How do you fix this , how do you push through the climax and defeat the villain to find your happily ever after ? I was told the past week that people have come , people have fought but lost the battle and decided that it was too much , ( this came as a surprise to know that I am not alone , I am not the first one ) I must stand out and be the change … be the light to finally defeat this darkness . BE THE LIGHT ! Be the light . This week 's challenge . To be the light in the darkness , be the one to finally conquer this battle . I am sounding really dramatic , I know . But this is how it feels , this is how I feel . I cannot really share much about work , the horse industry right ? In a nutshell , the season has been winding down quicker than we expected . We have only two mares left to foal and as usual , they will hold on to till the very last minute . I have foaled a total of fifty - four mares this season . To be honest , I am not as exhausted as I thought I would be . It was most definitely a very long season , and we had our ups and downs , but we made it . We made it . Normally it would start feeling more settled and a little relaxed but my stress levels are still at about ninety nine percent with the sales yearling in , and the multiple treatments that has fallen into my hands , sick horses , new horses , you name it … I am doing it . I have experienced some awesome things in the past week though , I assisted in my first castration ( not as grueling as you think ) , and I was in charge of rectals and vet work . I have passed some major hurdles with flying colors . Told you its not all bad ! Best news of all … I am going home in 19 days ! ! ! I really did feel bad in the beginning , but I am really past it . I have been used and abused by my so called " manager " . I was entitled to go home in December when I first got here , THANK YOU , THANK YOU , THANK YOU boss ! I am going home for my sisters biggest day of her life , and a Christmas with my family . LIKE PLANNED . Once again , thank you boss , and may I just say thank you to God , I am blessed that is why I am going home as planned , I have His crown of favor . Counting the days until I get to pack my bag and get on that plane home ! Hug my parents , have long chats with my sister , ride my horse . Just BE HOME . October 30 , 2016justashyLeave a comment There is no other way to start a post at this point in my life other than . . . What a crazy busy week ! And it 's almost the end of the season ? This time it 's different for me , it doesn 't really feel like the end since we have the yearling preparation going on now for the sale in January . Although we are coming to an end with the foaling season , a whole other season is in full swing . My body does not cooperate with my mind anymore … I am in constant battle of convincing myself that I can push myself more and more every day , more mentally than physically some days . We only have about nineteen mares left to foal on the farm , which is shocking , I can 't believe it 's almost at an end ! My fourth breeding season under wraps … although a whole new season will then begin for me … I have always left a farm after all the foals were born and I have never stayed for weaning or actually seeing the foals become yearlings . So , I am really excited to do something new and also have a place to call home for a year to save up some more money for my next adventure . I had sleepless nights thinking about this decision … Am I wasting time staying here for a whole year ? Am I just going to settle because I am comfortable ? WHOA , let 's just hold on to those horses for a second . I am most definitely not comfortable ! Hours are long , ( but that changes with the season ) , I am confused by choices everyday because orders are coming from so many directions , and who do you listen too ? Because if you " obey " one order the other turns their back on you … that is my biggest fear , becoming the hated . Are you afraid of being hated even though you know you have done nothing wrong ? I am . People confuse it for " people pleasing " , but you know what … the world we live in today you are either somebody 's friend when you can be at their beck and call but once you say , " no " or even think of saying , " no " … . in a blink of an eye you are the worst enemy . That is my biggest fear , hence I try to do my best to keep everyone happy and in the end I am the one who suffers . I will do favors for you , I will go the extra mile to lend a helping hand . I will do one hundred and ten percent for people even though I know that they wouldn 't even do the same for me . What is wrong with me ? Anyways , this weekend I took a stand for myself . I said NO for the first time in a long time , I said " no " . With no explanation or excuse , I plainly said I can 't do that for you . Usually I would give up all my plans to help someone out , to lend a helping hand . This weekend I put ME first . So , I have got to pat myself on the back and say well done Ash , for getting some balls and standing up for yourself for once . Like they say , Rome was not built in a day ! There you go , all caught up on the news and some of my thoughts on everything . I really just want to push this thought on everyone that will read this . Don 't ask someone to do something if you are not willing to do the same for them . Take it from me , the one on the other end … I have a really big heart and the word , " no " is hard for me because of that fear of being hated . That is simply called MANIPULATION . It is not fair ; it is not fair to put someone under that pressure . Don 't let someone fear being rejected by you so they are forced to do anything . I don 't know how else to put it , once again it is just the world we live in . But as my Mom says , why try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out . Let me just end on this beautiful picture that I took last weekend . These mountains make me feel so small and insignificant . I stare in awe of how beautiful God 's creation is . I feel rather selfish being caught up in my fears of being rejected by the people of this world and forget that the only acceptance I really need is God 's . October 16 , 2016October 16 , 2016justashyLeave a comment My last post was pretty emotional . It was quiet the emotional week to be honest . I am glad that I got it all out now . I see the world through new eyes , and with a closed heart ! So , remember I told you that on this farm " challenges " come in small swells , well last week we had a tsunami of a change . We have now moved around forty something yearlings into stables to begin preparation for the National Yearlings sales in Cape Town next January . I must say I handled the change pretty well , still very much getting used to this " in charge " story . It 's not as easy as it looks being in charge , especially if no one sees you like that . It doesn 't help when your voice sounds like a mouse with tonsillitis , and you 're as small as a pebble amongst the boulders . It 's quite hard , but trust me this mouse can lose it too . I have lost it quite a few times already , but have learned that it doesn 't get you anywhere . For example , I had once situation last week where I could 've used some calming words for sure . I am not too sure of how to put this story into a political way so I will just share the point with you , the point is … I CAN catch a foal , I CAN wrestle a foal to give it a treatment , I CAN walk a yearling , I CAN hold a mare for the vet . Uh , it 's slightly frustrating being told to be careful 24 / 7 , and being pushed to one side because a MAN can do it better . I wouldn 't do this job if I was scared ? Anyways , I make the most of it by picking up a broom where I can and personally doing all of my treatments , BY MYSELF , even if the horse is crazy , I go the mile because that is the person I am . How do you earn an authority position ? I don 't know how to do this , I always thought that being the boss and making decisions was my thing … but it 's harder than it looks . Here is where it gets confusing , if you are given a position of authority and responsibility and then every time you try to earn it you get scolded for doing it wrong ? Does this make any sense ? This is why it 's so confusing , I am trying extremely hard to earn this position and it keeps slipping out of my fingers . Don 't give up , keep on keeping on . Yes , yes I know . My goal this week … my goal this week is to be strong . I may be small , but I have a big heart , my Mom 's fire , and my Dad 's wisdom . I CAN do this , God would not have given me this position if He thought I couldn 't do it . That is a really encouraging thought . Plus , I must learn to stand up for my opinions . Why would you give me the authority to make a decision and then tell me it 's wrong . No , this week I am standing up for myself ! And I am not going to complain about anything … no matter how SMALL it is . No matter what is it , work , the weather , no hot water , no water at all , bad hair day , anything and everything . I will not complain about anything ! Challenge accepted ! After a nice week of sleep due to no mares that felt like foaling , and a nice off weekend I am ready to kick some bum this week ! No complaining , no worrying , just smiling , having a good time , being positive … it cant be that hard . I think the world thrives on negativity and anger and complaining , it 's very easy to fall into the same trap when you work with people who thrive on it . My Mom always told me that we become the people we spend our time with . Time to stand out , and realize that this is not how you want to live all the days of your life … Don 't fall into the trap , take your knife and cut yourself out , break out from that circle of negativity . Let your light shine , and keep spreading that light . That was a whole bunch of feelings in one post . The season is almost over and with the yearlings coming I feel like we have started the season all over again . One way to keep us on our toes ! Still very excited to be staying for another year . I have made my house a home , I have my cat , and my family is in the same time zone . Life is GOOD . September 3 , 2016November 6 , 2016justashyLeave a comment Eighty - two days into my Robertson adventure , my fourth breeding season , and my second official job . I am still smiling and enjoying every single minute . There have been a lot of changes but they come in really gentle waves which makes it really easy to get used too . For instance , our days have been a pretty regular with 7 : 00 to 17 : 00 job with an occasional evening of foaling , but now we have officially begun the breeding season , everything is in full swing which includes getting up a little earlier , catching more foals , the boys ( aka the Stallions ) will officially start their jobs , we will be seeing a lot more of the vets and we will wake up before the sun and go home without it . That is the next few months in a short summary . With already thirty - eight foals on the ground we have had a run up to the breeding season to get us ready for vet work and treatments and all the crazy that comes with it . Thanks to this , I feel totally prepared ! A lot of times this week I have wanted to sit down and pour my heart out into a post , but my Mom has always said that you should never write when you are angry or upset . It 's been a hectic couple of weeks , like I said , a run up to the season . But also there have been unnecessary stress that doesn 't even belong here caused by things ( or in fact , people ) that are not worth wasting my breath on anymore . Perhaps a test ? Why must there always be something or in fact someone who has to play with your happiness ? It 's funny though , as much as it worries me , my happiness overtakes it times one hundred ! It 's so funny actually ! I am enjoying my job so much more than " they " think " they " are destroying it . Sorry , but I got some news for you . My God is greater , and He has got my back ! I have worked TOO hard to get this far and for someone to destroy it ! As much as I am happy where I am and so very thankful , I almost have an empty feeling I cannot really describe . You are probably all to familiar with that song , " I left my heart in San Fransisco … " well , I am pretty sure I left my heart somewhere on my adventures in New Zealand and Australia . I long with all my heart and soul to go back to that holiday I had with my sister in Australia . I would re - live those three weeks over and over again . I wished it would never end ! How can you miss something so bad that it actually hurts ! I wish I could just get us another plane ticket and go do it all over again ! I actually think it 's a condition ? I have got a serious condition , and the only cure is travel ( preferably with my best friend aka my sister ) . Well , as much as I wished I could turn back time … I have a wonderful , let me say that again , WONDERFUL job here and now . I am going to make the most of every minute and not waste any time . I am working towards that plane ticket ! THAT is my goal , well , on top of my list of goals at least ! With long days ahead and lots of hard work I am looking forward to a busy week … . I am focused and prepared for anything . My mind is ready and my goals are set ! Watch out world , nothing can stand in my way ! More exciting news is , tomorrow will be 10 days until I wrap my arms around my family ! Yes , the Hammond 's are coming down to Robertson ! I am so excited , I really just can 't hide it anymore ! My boss asks me everyday how is my excited scale ? Uuuuh , from 1 to 10 … probably 100 ! Time is free , but it 's priceless . You can 't own it , but you can use it . You can 't keep it but you can spend it . Once you 've lost it , you can never get it back . HARVEY MACKAY August 21 , 2016August 21 , 2016justashyLeave a comment The past few weeks have gone by like a flash , everyday , every week , same routine . Every now and then a challenge came my way but you know , nothing I cannot handle . I know God has always got it under control . When I cannot simply see how everything is going to work out , it just does because He has a plan to prosper and not to harm . This is my verse for life and it 's what gets me through everyday . We now approximately have 20 foals on the ground at the moment , 15 of which I foaled . I am adding slowly but surely to my experience , coming into this job I felt a little rusty with my foaling . I am so confident now , I feel like I would be okay on my own . At long last ! It just shows you that if you have someone who is willing to show you and teach you not for their own gain but because they really want to , how far you can actually go ! It 's been a learning curve everyday on this stud , I swear there is not a day that goes by that I don 't learn something ! It has been rather refreshing working on a smaller stud and actually being in " charge " of a division . I always felt a little insignificant and my opinions did not really matter . I was just the quiet one in the background doing what I am told . Not without learning anything , that was my advantage ! Of course , in the beginning you are going to feel like you are a nobody , technically you are ! You cannot even dream of having the experience of some of the people in your field , the people who have been working there for the past fifteen years … they were once insignificant too . I have big decisions to make next week , and future plans to make . My heart and my mind are in constant battle between reality and fantasy . When all your options are good which one do you choose ? I just need to put it in God 's Hands and know that He has got it under control ! So , it 's late and I did not want to leave another week without a little update . Let me end on a rather random but beautiful theory for the week . This week , let 's be pineapples , lets STAND TALL , WEAR A CROWN , AND BE SWEET ON THE INSIDE !

It 's a revolution . And a competition . And there 's a Manifesto around here somewhere . Maybe it 's under that yarn over there . Or maybe under the cat . . . My dear Punk Rock Secret Pal Suzi over at the Darkside of Knitting has tagged me for a meme ! I love meme 's - all you people who love ' em to feel free to tag me . I think it 's because I never participated in those " Find out more about your friends " chain emails I always got from people and now I feel all empty inside . Anyway , this is a meme about weird things , so you all get to now learn 6 weird things about me : 1 . Starting with the obvious - my name . I know it 's weird because I usually hear it mispronounced at least a few times a day . You might not know from reading it but my name is pronounced with a long A and then a short A . Imagine the name Dana but spelled with a J . Or as a friend in high school used to write on notes " J - na . " Or just the name Jane with an A after it . Did you know that ? I worry some day I 'll meet my blogger friends and they 'll all say it like ' Janna ' with a short A sound and I 'll feel all weird correcting you . So there , now you know how to say my name ! 2 . My heritage . Did you know that I am half Puerto Rican ? Maybe the palest one you ever met right ? My dad is from Arecibo , Puerto Rico . My mother - from New Philadelphia , Ohio . Guess which one I look like ? But my sister ? Dark hair , dark eyes and tans well . Go figure . 3 . Phobias . I have a few very strange ones . There are a few things that people see all the time , every day that just totally freak me the f * ck out . And even worse - I won 't tell you what they are . I 'm that scared . An encounter with such things results in many sleepless nights and possibly relocating and so I 'm always afraid someone might just want to test the waters and see if that 's actually true . So they 're secret . So there . 4 . I love the cold . Love it love it love it . People here will always walk in from the rain and say " Well at least it 's not snow ! " I walk in from 10 degree freezing weather and say " Well , at least it 's not summer ! " I hate the heat , love the cold . You 'll never , ever hear me complain about snow or cold . Never . 5 . Met the husband on the internet . Is that still weird ? It used toPosted by We made it ! The tree got decorated in record time yesterday afternoon , minutes before guests arrived ! We 've kicked off the holiday , opened a few gifts and are getting around to head out and visit family , more gifts , eating drinking , good cheer . Happy holidays to all you guys , no matter what or how or where you celebrate . Merry Merry ! You know lately it seems like as soon as Halloween is over Christmas is here . It 's as if the moment the last sales clerk cleans up the last kernel of candy corn on Halloween magically elves must prance through the malls instantly hatching huge decorated Christmas trees twinkling with lights blaring Christmas music from every corner . Almost instantly . Right away . . . This is not the case here this year . . . It 's December 23rd and that picture of my Christmas tree ? Yep , just taken today . Well the tree only got here yesterday so it 's not like it 's been sitting around for weeks or anything . Normally , I 'm more on the ball . While I 'm not out there with the elves at 12 : 01 November 1st I usually have my jingle on somewhere around December 1st at least , trying to be a good sport and have holiday spirit and be fairly on schedule with my holiday tasks . But it 's been a weird year around here this year . In the spirit of keeping this a knitting blog and not a whining blog I 'll try to spare you the gory details and begin by summing it up this way - work drama for me , work drama for the husband , trying to get my mom moved before she has back surgery in January . See ? It 's been so traumatic it reduces me to the vocabulary of a preschooler , it really does . Trust me you don 't want to know . But we have a tree , and a wreath , thanks to my aunt and uncle who always send something interesting and good every year . And trust me things are finally turning around for us now , they are turning around fast and really , really well . After spending the last hmm , 3 - 4 weekends in their entirety working with my mom and all her stuff we 've finally gotten her moved into the new place and she loves it . It was tough though , after being where she was for 14 years there was a lot of stuff to go through , and get rid of , and she wanted almost all new furniture . And it was a lot of shopping and ridding and sweating - she 's having back surgery remember ? Can 't lift anything ? Yeah , we 're glad she 's in the new place and getting settled now . And it seems like the work dramas Posted by I present to you a body . . . and a sleeve . . . I finally got to cast on for the Main Street Pullover from WEBS . Why does this make me so happy ? Well the shallowest reason is probably that it 's finally something for me . I 've finally finished / gave up on my Christmas knitting , depends on how you look at it . I might have shortened the list of gifts to knit for people but hey , it 's a finished list now isn 't it ? But really probably more so is the yarn and the pattern for this sweater . First of all the Lenox yarn is delish . It is so soft , but not like mushy - fall apart in your hands soft , it still has some body to it which I really like . Secondly , this may make me a bore but I 'm just a sucker for stockinette in the round . Boring I know , but I just love it . So relaxing , I can almost do it without looking . Today I worked on it while watching Funny Face and drinking Bigelow Gingersnap Tea ( also delish ) . Warm beverage , Audrey Hepburn , Gershwin , baby alpaca and merino . What else can you ask for from a Sunday afternoon ? Pattern : Baby Bobbi Bear by Blue Sky AlpacasYarn : Blue Sky Alpacas Organic CottonMy 2 cents : Well , it looks a lot better than I thought it would . He is pretty cute and is really , really soft . The yarn and stuffing is washable which is very important . I 'm hoping that plus this being Organic Cotton and really having no small pieces to fall off and be swallowed will help get this past my scrutinizing sister and into the arms of my niece . I 'm hoping she likes it , it 's my understanding that she is learning to give hugs and I 'm thinking our little friend here would be happy to practice with her ! As for the knitting well , I have had negative experiences with knitting toys in the past . I usually understand the instructions but get lost in the process somewhere . With Bobbi Bear there is much more knitting than seaming which was actually a welcome change from the toys I 've made in the past . Here the only seaming is sewing on the ears . So less seaming meant ( for me ) less of a struggle at the end . But the struggle was still there nonetheless . The ears took probably 4 different tries to get them on and I got pretty frustrated trying to get the eyes and nose to look like the picture ( which was the only guide I had ) . Unfortunately when I finished on Sunday afternoon I was swearing and ready to be done . I was happy with the end product but pretty convinced this was probably going a one time knit . But then I spent the day with him today , showing him to some people at work and my knitting group and it probably sounds corny but the more time I spend with him the more he really does grow on me . Even if the eyes were hard . He 's so soft and you really don 't want to put him down . I 'm thinking maybe someday I 'll knit him again . Maybe the second time around it would come a lot easier ? But I 'm not sure I really want to make him as a gift again . I just might have to make one for myself ! I can 't tell you guys how good it felt to read the comments from the last post . I knew there were others of you out there with holiday mind frazzle . I knew I wasn 't alone . Stay strong though ! With enough yarn and needles , we 'll make it , I 'm sure we can ! So the new Knitty isn 't up yet . Does anyone else keep checking a million times a day like me ? Anyway just in case you 're thirsting for new patterns to drool over I thought I 'd just take a quick minute and tune you into some of my favorite kniterly things at the moment . Eunny Jang 's new Anemoi Mittens pattern - The Zimmermania blog got me started on a Fair Isle Mitten curiosity and this pattern just plucks all of those strings all over again . I 've never really Fair - Isled for real and don 't think I 've worn mittens in about 26 years but for some reason these things are speaking to me ! I 'll be downloading this pattern soon for sure . The Perfect Sweater Ann is knitting at Mason - Dixon Knitting - They said a Perfect Sweater pattern could never exist and ( yes I know I haven 't actually knit it yet ) but I still say they were wrong ! That sweater is so , so nice and you can download the pdf for free and make it yourself . And it 's Cascade 220 , I love Cascade 220 ! The Red Light Special hat at Brooklyn Tweed - Ok , really everything at Brooklyn Tweed looks good to me . I want to see him go to the landfills of Bayonne , New Jersey and try to make them look bad ! Just try ! Everything he photographs instantly looks like Russell Crowe on toast . Seriously . And it 's more Fair Isle . And it 's red . Beautiful . Speaking ofThe podcast at Sticks and String is by an Australian Bloke named David Reidy . He 's rad . He knows a lot of stuff and gives a much more accurate male point of view of this knitting business than my husband or guy friends or the dudes at work or probably even Russell Crowe ( I know the photos may be a joke / hoax / etc . He probably knits as well as I could play Master and Commander , but they crack me up anyway ) And David has a lovely accent . You could listen to him and think about Russell CroJana This weekend was an absolute whirlwind . I don 't even have any photos to post , because I never even had a second to think about the camera . First I left work a little early Friday to take the train into Manhattan to have dinner with my dad . He 'll be traveling from now until after the holidays to it was important to meet up and bond a little . This meant I had the pleasure of battling with a NJ Transit 30 minute delay , the 30 - 50 mph winds and pouring rain we had Friday and trying to catch a cab during primetime . But it was totally worth it and was a lovely dinner . Saturday had more nuttiness - after a quick trip to the gym and shower , husband and I did a quick grocery shopping so we could get back home and make 2 full recipes of the rum balls and bourbon balls I 've made in the past that he wanted to bring to the party we were going to in Brooklyn that afternoon / night . The party started at 3 p . m . and went probably into the wee hours of the morning , but knowing what I faced for Sunday we made it home at a reasonable 11 : 45 . We had a great time hanging out with our friends but for some reason I had mindlessly spent most of the time standing in heeled shoes and by the time we got to the car that night I was pretty much working up a good limp . By Sunday I was already feeling the lack of sleep and crazy pace so I decided to be a slacker and skip the gym for sleep , just to get up at 8 a . m . anyway to get myself around and go over to my mom 's house to help her with a bunch of stuff . She 's in the process of moving so we spent the day lugging boxes to the new apartment , packing more boxes where she is now and going to what feels like 6 million stores to buy a whole bunch of stuff she needs . ( The entire time I 'm looking at the holiday decorations in the stores thinking , " Crap , I 'm supposed to be doing holiday stuff right now too . Maybe I really should just admit defeat at this point . " ) I got home around 6 last night . Tried to make my house look a little less like a hurricane had hit it . Ate , and then at 8 p . m . Sunday night I finalPosted by Just when I finally go around to talking about my PRGE pals I got another package from Suzi at Darkside of Knitting ! Look at all the great stuff I got ! First - the purple and black tube - shaped thing is a sock tote with some very pretty sock yarn inside . I really , really like the sock yarn . It 's kind of purple and blue and tan , the colors are great and it 's really soft . And I like the sock tote idea because I do work on them on - the - go quite a bit and with the cat factor at home it 's always good to keep the knitting zipped up . Then the white thing with the red beads is a jug cover which is very neat , it 's supposed to keep bugs out of a jug , which is great because we do bbq a lot in the summer and always have a pitcher of lemonade or something , and there 's nothing worse than having to watch a fly do the backstroke in there . And then there 's a mousepad with a picture of Cradle Mountain on it and it says Tasmania . This is so coming into work with me . The mousepad I have there is boring and black and crusty ( ick ) and way overdue for a replacement and let me just tell you , people will be very impressed that I know someone from Tasmania ! Seriously Grace and Suzi - do you know what a different and exotic place Tasmania seems like to us ? It 's just about as far away from here as you can get without getting on a space shuttle and we know so little about it . Anyway moving on there are also some delicious Australian candies , a really neat Australian food magazine , a funny postcard about summer in Tasmania , the cutest kitty card and another fun toy for Mr . Allister ! Anyway , all very great stuff , I 'm sure to have fun with . Thanks again Suzi ! Sorry for the pun , but this is some of what I worked on today . I started and finished stuffing the Baby Bobbi Bear . I also finished knitting the bear . But no finished photo ? Well , the knitting part is done , I still have to sew on the ears and do some duplicate stitch and embroider on his little face . Which is somewhat intimidating to me . I 'm afraid I 'm going to get an ear crooked or one eye lower than the other and he will end up being a little lopsided bear . So in the typical procrastinator fashion I 've put that stuff off until next weekend when is the next time I 'll have some more quiet , natural daylight time to hopefully do it properly and take a finished photo for you . In other news I 've waited way too long to update on how things are going over at the Punk Rock Gift Exchange . We had the big reveal there a couple of weeks ago and I learned that my secret pal has been Suzi over at Darkside of Knitting . Also all along I 've always known that the person I was buying for was Grace at Black Crow Knitting . It 's been so cool hanging with these chicks and doing the whole fun exchange thing . They are both from outside the U . S . which I now think just really makes the whole process even more fun . And the girls are both extremely talented and punk rock , so you should definitely check out their blogs and say hi ! I 'm a fan and will be hopefully be posting lots of comments and keeping in touch for a while to come . First and foremost , I 'm thankful for my health . I 'm thankful that most of the time I 'm able to move about freely without thinking twice and without pain or discomfort . It gets me where I need to be . I 'm thankful for my family and friends . They crack me up . They hug and kiss me . They give me tissues when I need them . They put up with my crap . They tell me when they 're tired of my crap . ' Nuff said . I 'm thankful for my husband . He washed a lot of dishes today and cut his finger on a glass and never complained and just went on washing . He even ate turkey which he doesn 't like all that much and still said it was really good . He puts up with a fair amount of crap also . I 'm thankful for my freedom and that I can pretty much go where I want when I want . I can read the books I want to read . I can speak my mind and be safe knowing I have this freedom and it should be valued . I 'm thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly . A lot of people in this world live way too often without enough of either . We can never give back too much . And of course - I 'm thankful for my knitting . It helps me steady the course . It helps me stay sane . It will be a great way to end a yummy , happy , thankful day . " Knit on with confidence and hope , through all crisis . " - Elizabeth ZimmmermanStacey from Sheep in the City mentioned this quote on her blog the other day . I 'm sure I 've read it somewhere else before , but for some reason this week it was just particularly good to be reminded of . Stacey 's dad is going through some rough stuff right now and I really hope everything goes ok . I really hope that her and her family can get some peace and strength while they go through their current trials . Her mom is a knitter too , so hopefully there 's lots of good knitting vibes all around them . While it 's nothing like what Stacey 's going through I 've had a few crises here and there lately . Not horrible stuff , but still , the words of EZ have been very comforting . I really don 't want to go into all of it now ( maybe some other time ) but I do have to tell you how my Thursday night went this week when we lost power . We had really bad weather here , this was the storm where all the tornados hit down south and did a lot of damage there . It was all windy and rainy and yucky . So when of course did we lose power ? Well , I had just gotten home from the gym and was in the shower of course , with a head full of shampoo . Has this every happened to anyone ? Well , it 's kind of scary , really . Everything goes out and the water is still pouring down and all I could think was " Oh crap . " So I just tried to get my bearings , listened really close to make sure Freddy / Jason / Michael Meyers weren 't in the shower with me , rinsed my hair ( I think ) turned the shower off , managed to get out of the shower without falling on my tuckus , got a towel and of course the power went right back on then . Of course . So the husband comes home a little while after that and tells me that there was a transformer on fire just down the street . Just as he 's finishing saying the word ' street ' of course the power went back out . I hadn 't had dinner yet and was starving , so with no power we lit a bunch of candles , and I fumbled around in the fridge and made myself a modified version of NigellaJana It 's pouring out , I have a lovely cup of tea , the husband is praying in the front of the tv in the living room ( the NY Jets have a particularly difficult row to hoe this afternoon , a snarky , sarcastic wife might have said impossible . . . who moi ? ) and I have the computer all to myself . In the comments from the last post , Jodi at A Caffeinated Yarn asked some really good questions about colors and yarn of the Main St . pullover from WEBS , specifically " How did they look in real life ? Do you think the texture would be OK for Fair Isle ? " Knitting minds must think alike . When I first saw this sweater in their catalog my concerns were exactly the same ! I really became drawn to this pattern after seeing all the gorgeous patterned yoke sweaters on the Zimmermaniacs blog . Oh my goodness have you looked over there ? It 's like it 's difficult for them to make something that 's not nice , I really like so much of that stuff . It 's inspired me to re - read Knitting Without Tears and I 'm so glad I did . I get more out of it everytime I read it . If I was a true Zimmermaniac I would have sharpened my pencil and done some math and tried to come up with my own Zimmerman sweater . I might eventually some day but for now , I 'm still a Zimmermaniac poser and will just try to start out with my little Main St . sweater and see how I do . Anyway , when I first saw this in the catalog , I was particularly concerned about the main color which is called " Grape Jelly . " Being a bigger girl , I 'm always a little self conscious about the purple . I love purple , but purple is also the color of Barney the Dinosaur and Grimace from McDonalds ( for you old school folks ) and this usually makes me hesitant to wear something called " Grape Jelly . " So yesterday , when the weather was better I took the yarn out to my porch which is wear the light is usually the best and tried to capture a really accurate picture of these colors I 'll be the first to admit my photographic shortcomings , but I promise you I think this photo is pretty accurate , I think may be more accurate than thJana The stash has grown considerably . Thanks to the fiber - related event of the weekend . . . That 's the lovely but blogless Amy , me in the middle and Tracy of LeftiesK2 posing mid - spree at the Market at Stitches East yesterday . I go to Stitches every year . You can take classes , but I don 't , I usually just go and shop and that 's about all the bank account can take . But that 's ok . Stitches used to be in Atlantic City for us , which was closer of course . This year it was in Baltimore which is further , but still ok , because this year it was much , much bigger . So of course you know I just had to buy that much more . . . See , I 'm already trying to pack it up and get it in the closet to hide the evidence ! I purchased a few different patterns . Buying patterns is always a good strategy , you can always buy yarn later , and if you 're not going to knit it right away it takes much less room in your stash ! The silvery thing in the upper left is one of those silky little sock - knitting sized bags from Lantern Moon I 've always wanted ( I totally adore it and don 't know why I didn 't order it sooner . ) Tracy got mad because she had picked this one up before I saw it and then realized it was the color I wanted when it was in her hand . Bad timing I guess , but she didn 't want to buy one so hey ! Gimmie ! Anyway , I also got the new book from Stitchy McYarnpants which is hilarious ! And it was nice that we also got to meet Stitchy and she signed our books ! She was very , very sweet and down to earth ( aren 't most knitters ? ) and I gushed that I 've been reading her blog way before the book was even mentioned . Definitely check it out if you 've never read it , it always cracks me up . I got a nice sweater kit from Shelridge farms that I can 't wait to make ( more on that when it gets knitted . ) And then there was the down fall I purchased . 10 skeins . 10 skeins of sock yarn . I spent a good part of the next day after the big spree shaking my head and muttering that to myself over and over . There are a couple missing from the picture - one is a gifty skein for a friend , Posted by Big Vinny 's big socks are done . And I 'm happy about it . I like how they came out , but I was really starting to get a little tired of all the gray stockinette . . . Then I have a large dishcloth on the needles , almost finished , I 'll probably get this off the needles during The Amazing Race tonight . It 's another Sugar and Cream cotton dishcloth . This is one of the larger tea - towel sized ones I like . It looks really big because they do shrink when washed but they still stay really nice . I know I sound like a broken record but I cannot convey what nice gifts these knit towels make . If I think of all the people I have to give to this holiday that would probably like them I know there 's no way I could ever do it . A couple of weeks ago my mother said she 'd like a few more ( as in - in addition to the ones she already has ) for Christmas . When I asked her if she wanted large or small she definitively answered " One large and two small . " Hmm , talk about being specific ! There 's a lot of possibilities with these cloths too . Think about it , you could make a couple of small washcloth sized ones and put them with some fancy soaps or bath salts . Or make a large cloth and put it in a basket with fresh baked goods or homemade candy , wouldn 't that look so nice ? I also started another gift this weekendIt 's a little brown teddy bear butt that hopefully will eventually be the Baby Bobbi Bear from Blue Sky AlpacasPray for me people , you know I 'll need it . I have a bad history of knitted toy experiences , no one does know what ever became of that poor rabbit . . . But so far so good with this one , it seems to be more shaping than seaming so far so we 'll see . So I 'm making progress , feeling good about the holiday knitting so far . Although I am now conscious of the fact that Christmas is less than 2 months away . My strategy ? Prioritization . Some projects may have to be cut from the team . So I have my list , and I 'm doing pretty good on the absolutely must make gifts . I have to finish the cloths for my mom , the bear ( which is for my niece of course ) and Posted by But that won 't stop me from sharing the joy with you that this hat is finally finished ! It 's Vinny 's black stockinette hat ! Yarn : Black Encore worsted I had left over from a sweater I knit pre - blog . Yep , it 's that old ! Pattern : A variation of this pattern which I have knit before . I understand this is also a variation of an Elizabeth Zimmerman Pattern . I changed it a lot though , first of all to be the 120 stitches to fit around Vinny 's large pumpkin - sized noggin . Then I also modified the tops of the hat . There are 2 tops because all in all the hat is really shaped like thiswhich would now that I think of it make a pretty decent pillow if you stuffed it with something . But it is not a pillow it is a hat you can wear one of 2 ways , punch one side in the other and get the starfish shaped smooth sideor punch the other in the other side for the gathered topwhich when on a head really does not look as ruffled and girly as it might here . It stretches fairly smooth and I actually like it better than the other side . So there 's versatility too . I think he 'll like it . It 's black , it 's warm . Those are usually his major fashion criteria . But not until Christmas though , it 's one more thing to put under the tree of course ! The main reason I visited Orlando ? Well to visit the cutest niece in the world of course ! Oh yeah , and to also visit her mom - my sister . Baby is getting so big and is walking and is a total wiggle worm ! She does not sit still for 2 seconds ! That 's a little baby walker she 's leaning on , she pushes it all over the place more than she uses it to help her walk . Walker or toy fish ? Walker or toy fish ? Oh they 're both so fun , you can 't put either of them down ! Of course you know other than the relatives , Disneyworld is also in Orlando . And we are a Disney family . And even more than just being a Disney family , we are a food family too . So how lucky are we that we got to attend da - da - da - da - The Epcot International Food and Wine Festival ! ! ! Oooh . . . Aahhh . . . Ohhhh . . . So , so , so wonderful , if you are ever in a 100 mile radius of Epcot during the month of October you must must must go . All over the international showcase there there are little booths representing all different countries selling food . For $ 2 - $ 4 you can either purchase a small food or wine tasting . One example would be Greecewhere you can get lovely greek salad with feta cheese and pita and spanakopita which is a wonderful flaky pastry filled with spinach . Yum ! Another big hit was PolandPierogies , kielbasa and sauerkraut and a sweet , thick honey wine which was delicious . There were also empanadas in Argentina , dumplings in China , Guinness and lamb stew in Ireland , sushi in Japan , curry in India and escargot and champagne in France . And honestly the quality of the food was also so excellent . Everything we ate was good . And it was such a treat just tasting everything , and tasting all the wines too : ) We thought we had died and gone to food heaven . The other Disney thing I got to do during my visit ? I met up with a friend from high school and we walked the entire length of Downtown Disney . Going in all the stores . Ok , we mainly went through all the toy stores . You know when you shop on vacation , that charge card comes out of your wallet so much more easily . . . . See , now Posted by Look what I received today from my terrific pal in the Punk Rock Gift Exchange ! The yarn is the perfect colors for me . Purples and reds with tinges of brown and mauve . So pretty , my crappy camera really isn 't doing it justice . I didnt ' find a tag with any details but the yarn is very soft , I 'm thinking it might be merino or have some silk blended in maybe ? And it looks like it would be a good weight for socks , but really the colors are so pretty , I 'm thinking if I knit it up as another lace scarf that could also be very nice . Along with the yarn was a pretty card with a sweet note saying hi ! Some great Australia postcards to add to my postcard collection ( it 's a collection at this point , it really is , I 've finally admitted that and I love it . I love the idea of a postcard collection , but I digress . . . ) A big ol ' bar of Cadbury milk chocolate which is coming into work with me tomorrow to aid me in my Monday survival - such a necessary comfort , thank you , thank you . Also there is some wonderful Madura tea and Quince Paste . I really like these two items especially because I love trying new things and these come from where you are and I would never , never come across them in my daily life here . And of course how sweet my pal also sent the purple fish toy for Allister which he 's dragged up and down the stairs like 3 times already ! And did you notice everything was color - coordinated with the purple too ? Even the box it came in is blue and purple striped . How thoughtful ! Thanks again secret pal ! On another note - I just got home today from a 5 day trip to Orlando to visit my sister and do some Disney stuff : ) I know I never even mentioned I was going away ( bad blogger bad ! ) But there will be a follow - up post since there 's some kind of interesting stuff to share . Later in the week - first I 'm going to try to dig out from the pile of laundry I brought back with me and have a cup of this lovely tea . . . This was a kit from a company called Pussycat2 ( the 2 should be raised , like ' Pussycat squared ' ) . I purchased it at Stitches East last year and like I had mentioned before there were a few bumps in the road . Maybe other people have had better experiences with this company but I just happen to think that at $ 45 ( plus $ 10 for additional yarn + shipping I had to order on my own ) I just expected things to go a little more smoothly than they did . Even though I was not able to located Pussycat2 on the internet they are listed as a vendor for the upcoming Stitches East this November . And even though the finished product is very cute and I 'm pretty happy with the bag itself I doubt I will be getting another kit this year . In addition to the problems I had along the way ( running out of yarn , the embroidery was so poorly charted ) the fact that there really was not that much knitting involved in this at all is probably what would be the end dealbreaker for me . It was a good intarsia session , and it was good to be challenged a little , but in the end I spent more time weaving in ends , seaming the pieces together and sewing the lining in than I did actually knitting . I 'm glad I did it , I now know the basics of sewing in a lining and I have a cute bag to take out here and there . But unfortunately I doubt I 'll be making any further purchases at their booth this year . Oh well , I guess I 'll just have to spread my yarn money around elsewhere ! Look what I got from my super cool knitters tea swap gifter Anne ! A beautiful red tea mug from the Republic of Tea which I seriously think may be my new most favorite thing . It 's so pretty and it has a lid which is fabulous as sometimes I do get pulled away from my cup and then come back and it 's cold and that 's a bummer . I also got some lovely Taos yarn in gorgeous fall colors . You know the first thing I thought of when I saw those colors - maybe another Multidirectional Diagonal Scarf ? I 'm thinking maybe . . . the yarn keeps talking to me . . . I also got a very cute kitty calendar just in time - for some reason I keep having to look up dates in 2007 this week and haven 't had a new calendar yet , an adorable kitty bookmark and a pretty little bead stitchmarker , which I think will be just perfect for keeping track of the beginning of the round when I knit socks . What neat stuff ! It was also really neat meeting Anne as part of this swap , she has a great sense of humor , her emails really made me laugh a few times and I look foward to reading her blog and seeing her around blogland ! After much cursing and stitching , and probably not as much knitting as I would like , the little purse is finally complete . No final pictures though , I finished after dark and the lighting was crappy ! I promise next weekend there will be a proper photo shoot and full look at the final outcome . Then maybe I 'll have some resolution to the debate in my head over whether or not this was all worth it . Til then . . . Posted by I don 't know how the husbands in your corner of the world are , but here , in this house , the husband is one big guy . My husband is a towering 6 foot 5 inches tall , taller , if he needs a haircut that day . If you saw him in person you would agree , this makes him one big guy . Navigating light fixtures and doorways you and and I probably never think twice about , is a normal part of his everyday life . Small old ladies ask him to reach for stuff off the high shevles in the grocery store all the time . When he eats cereal for breakfast he prefers to eat it from a mixing bowl than a regular bowl . The regular bowl needs too many refills for him . Airplane seats and many " average " car seats can be nightmares . Someone on the New York Subway once saw Vinny in his New York Jets jacket and told him he 's been playing well . Obviously , the person was a little disoriented . Yes , the husband is a big guy , he 's a big guy with a big heart . And I love it . First of all he gives the best hugs in the world ever . Everyone always agrees . He has big arms and when he hugs you he really pulls you in and hugs you and instantly your day has improved . Second , he makes me feel safe . Vinny is friendly and funny , but a lot of times guys who first meet him sometimes look him up and down and may laugh a little nervously . Seriously , who is going to mess with this guys wife ? But really most of the time , everyone who meets Vinny ends up loving him . See what happened at a friends wedding we recently attended ? That 's the groom getting mushy all over my husband . And I also love that he 's a big guy because I am a big girl . And in a society that makes women my size feel pretty lousy a lot of the time , next to Vinny I can feel somewhat small and more feminine than that dumb old society would have me believe . Although don 't worry , most of the time I am woman hear me roar ! So what am I going to do about making this special guy some special Christmas gifts ? The knitting gets interesting here . It 's a relief that he doesn 't like sweaters . Sweaters don 't Posted by

Back in the old days , director Roger Corman used to make " quickie " films over the course of a weekend between his regular features . Sometimes he would have the sets for a few more days or an actor might get done with a role early and have some availability ( since they signed up for a certain amount of time ) , and Corman would take advantage of it to make a fast extra film while he still could . Sometimes this resulted in an incomprehensible flick like THE TERROR ( 1963 ) , and sometimes it resulted in an accidental classic , like LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS ( 1960 ) . THIS IS THE END , the new movie by directors and screenwriting partners Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg , was probably not made over the course of a weekend , but it has that kind of feel to it . Like a bunch of friends were sitting around one afternoon and decided " Let 's make a movie ! " While it clearly had an actual budget , there 's an " of the moment " aesthetic to the whole thing , some of which works in its favor , and some of which doesn 't . It 's based on a short film called " Jay and Seth vs . the Apocalypse " ( 2007 ) which was written by Jason Stone , about actors and friends Jay Baruchel and Seth Rogan confronting the end of the world . Now , it 's been expanded into a feature - length movie . It features a bunch of actors playing " themselves , " or a facsimile thereof , and what happens when they get caught in the middle of the " End Times . " They 're able to make this concept work because in the movie each person 's personality is well - defined enough so that they can play on that familiarity - even if they exaggerate things a bit - and we get sucked in because we feel that we know these people . Fans of the short - lived TV series FREAKS AND GEEKS ( which only lasted one season , from 1999 to 2000 ) will especially find things to like in the movie . That was the show that put Judd Apatow on the map , as well as giving actors Seth Rogen and James Franco their first big break . The movie begins with Rogen ( KNOCKED UP , 2007 and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS , 2008 ) meeting Jay Baruchel - who was in another Judd Apatow series , UNDECLARED ( 2001 - 2002 ) , and had roles in movies like KNOCKED UP and TROPIC THUNDER , 2008 ) - at the airport . The two of them are long - time friends who haven 't seen each other in about a year , and they 're trying to kick - start their friendship again . This involves burgers from Carl 's Jr . , smoking lots of pot , and playing video games on a new 3D TV . Then Rogen remembers that he was invited to James Franco 's ( most recently in OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL , earlier this year ) house for a party . Baruchel isn 't too eager ; he feels uncomfortable around Rogen 's newer " Hollywood " friends , but he agrees to go . The party has its own pleasures , one of the biggest being Michael Cera ( from SUPERBAD , 2007 , SCOTT PILGRIM VS . THE WORLD , 2010 and the cult TV series ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT ) playing himself as a kind of coke - snorting , super - cocky lady 's man . Who knew ? Cera is so obnoxious playing " himself , " that he had me laughing out loud several times . He is friggin hilarious . It 's only too bad he 's not in the movie longer . Also at the party are such familiar faces as actress Emma Watson from the HARRY POTTER movies , comic actress Mindy Kaling ( from the American version of the TV show THE OFFICE and her new show , THE MINDY PROJECT ) , singer Rihanna , and , in smaller roles , other FREAKS AND GEEKS alumni , such as Jason Segel and Martin Starr . While on a trip to a convenience store to pick up some cigarettes , Rogen and Baruchel find themselves in the middle of an earthquake . Or what they think is an earthquake . A bunch of stuff falls on Rogen , so he doesn 't see it , but Baruchel witnesses several customers in the store being zapped by blue beams of light from the sky and sucked up through the store 's ceiling . Back at the party , no one will believe him . How much you 'll like this movie has a lot to do with how much you like these actors . I for one have been a fan of some of these guys since the FREAKS AND GEEKS days , when they were just kids . I like all these guys , and it 's just funny to see them interact in light of the horrific situation they 're in . For me , though , the biggest plus here is Danny McBride , who I just think is one of the best comic actors around today . From his debut in the indie comedy THE FOOT FIST WAY ( 2006 ) to his hilarious HBO series EASTBOUND AND DOWN , I am a total fan . Although my enthusiasm for the guy doesn 't mean I 'm delusional enough to have thought 2011 's YOUR HIGHNESS ( starring Franco and McBride ) was a good movie . His completely obnoxious persona completes works in this one , though . Not everything works in THIS IS THE END . Once we have our six men trapped in Franco 's house , trying to figure out what is going on , there are moments when it almost seems like they 're not sure what to do next , and there are a few parts that go on too long . It 's the downside of a movie that feels improvised ; sometimes the improvisation can seem to run out of steam . There are parts where they seem like they 're making it up as they go along . There are some special effects , mostly involving CGI monsters , which aren 't too bad . But most of the movie is just a bunch of friends hanging out and talking , and on that level it works . I thought it was a lot funnier than a majority of comedies I 've seen lately . It 's got its flaws , but it 's also a lot of fun . It seems to go on a little long , but if you judge a comedy by the amount of laughs it gives you , then you 'll probably feel like you got your money 's worth as you leave the theater . I thought the trailers for this one looked pretty hilarious , and the movie does have its share of big laughs . I know I was laughing a lot during its running time , but I was a little disappointed that it did not live up to my expectations all the way through . I will say that , whenever Danny McBride is onscreen ( or Michael Cera earlier in the film ) , the laughs increase . Another big plus is the segment where Jonah Hill gets possessed by a demon , and the other guys try to perform an exorcism on him . Oh , and a scene where we find out what happened to James Franco 's neighbor , Channing Tatum , is pretty hilarious as well . It has its flaws , but there 's a lot to like about THIS IS THE END . I like these guys a lot , and it 's kind of like hanging out at their house for a couple of hours . It seems like that would be fun , even if the world was ending outside . ( The Scene : A cabin in the woods . L . L . SOARES is sitting at a desk , reading an ancient book . MICHAEL ARRUDA looks over his shoulder ) LS : EVIL DEAD is a remake of Sam Raimi 's 1981 cult classic ( the difference in titles is that the original had a " THE " in front of it ) . That was the movie that put Raimi on the map - and just look how his career turned out ? Now he 's directing stuff like OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL . But back then , Raimi was just some unknown kid trying to make it in the movie biz . Strangely , even though all this time has gone by , THE EVIL DEAD is still my favorite of Raimi 's movies . LS : So when I heard they were giving it the remake treatment , I wasn 't surprised , but I wasn 't hopeful either . Raimi 's movie was low - budget , but incredibly resourceful . Despite the money limitations , the original EVIL DEAD introduced Raimi 's signature " stalking cam " where the camera shows the point of view of a creature running through the woods . Well , not exactly running . Sweeping through the woods at high speed is more the feel of it . And THE EVIL DEAD made a star of the very cool Bruce Campbell , who was Ash in the original and its sequels . The trailer for the new version looked hopeful , and it started this ad campaign where it declared this to be " The most terrifying film you will ever experience ! " Then the buzz started - a lot of it coming from the South By Southwest Film Festival earlier this year in Austin , Texas , where audiences loved this movie . So I started to get excited about it and really looked forward to seeing it . MA : I don 't believe ad campaigns for one minute . The most horrifying movie you will ever see ? Yeah , right . Anyway , like any ad , I didn 't give this one much credence , and I put it out of my mind since I didn 't want to have this movie hindered by too high expectations . LS : So let 's start off with the obvious question . Is this the most horrifying movie you will ever see ? Nope . That 's a pretty big claim , and it 's just about guaranteed to fall short . MA ( laughing ) : It sounds like an ad campaigns for a movie back in the 50s . SEE the most terrifying monster ever to set foot on the earth ! An ungodly horror not meant for human eyes ! Too hideous ! Too horrifying ! LS : There was a lot of that kind of stuff in the 70s too . I remember MARK OF THE DEVIL ( 1970 ) had the ad campaign " Positively the most horrifying film ever made . " And I 'm sure there were plenty of ads that copied that one . Do you remember back when we were kids and Captain Crunch had an enemy in those cartoon commercials named Jean LaFoot ? There was this whole storyline going on . They just don 't make commercials like that anymore . Anyway , back to the movie . This one begins promisingly enough . A bunch of college - age kids meet at a cabin in the woods . In the original , it was more for a fun weekend . Here , it has a more serious motivation . Mia ( Jane Levy , also the star of the current ABC comedy SUBURGATORY ) is trying to get off drugs for the second time in her life , after a recent overdose that almost killed her ( actually , we 're told , she did technically " die " for a moment during it ) . Her friends Eric ( Lou Taylor Pucci ) , a cynical guy with long hair , and Olivia ( the very stunning Jessica Lucas , who was also in CLOVERFIELD , 2008 ) are there , as well as the older brother Mia hasn 't seen in years , David ( Shiloh Fernandez , who was also Peter in 2011 ' S RED RIDING HOOD ) and his girlfriend Natalie ( Elizabeth Blackmore ) . They 're all there to give Mia support during her attempt to kick drugs via the " cold turkey " approach . They 're there in that cabin in the middle of nowhere to see her through the rough times , keep her there , and make sure this time the " cure " takes . LS : Exactly . In these kinds of movies , there 's always a point where you say " Why the hell do they stay there ? Why not leave ? " It happens in this movie too - it 's inevitable in these kinds of horror movies - but for a little while there , everyone staying put actually makes sense . And that 's unusual . Right away , Mia and David have issues . Mia is happy to see him , but also resents him for taking off on her when she was a kid , leaving her alone with their crazy mother , who died in a mental hospital a few years before this reunion . David clearly didn 't come back because he was trying to save his own sanity , but he 's trying to make up for his choices now , by giving Mia the support she needs . So they go in the cabin , intent on seeing this through to the end . The friends make a pact to stay strong and not give in when Mia wants to leave . They 're going to make sure it works this time . From here , EVIL DEAD takes on a relentless pace , as each member of the group takes turns being possessed by demonic forces . It begins with Mia , who has the main demon " attached " to her soul in the middle of the woods ( with a special appearance by the ghost of the book 's previous victim ) , after trying to flee the cabin . When she goes back , Mia attacks the others , and then the fireworks begin . I loved the pacing of this one . It doesn 't let up for a moment after the horror begins , and I really enjoyed that . There 's plenty of violence and gore and self - mutilation which is what you would expect from an EVIL DEAD movie . I am so glad they didn 't go the PG - 13 route with this one . In fact , there are a couple of scenes that are downright amazing , including Mia using a razor to cut her tongue in half , the messy results of a shotgun blast , several people cutting off offending limbs in horrible ways , and an amazing " chainsaw to the head " moment that paints the entire screen red . So , if you happen to be a gorehound , this one is definitely for you . In a lot of ways , this movie is almost perfect . It has a more serious tone than the first one - Raimi was famous for injecting funny moments to relieve tension , but this one is simply grim and vicious - which is in no way a bad thing . It 's also fairly faithful to the original , especially the key horrific / gross - out moments . Director Fede Alvarez ( this is his first feature film , his previous movies were all short films ) does a stunning job bringing this one to the screen . But there are a couple of minor gripes . First off , the movie completely pushes its R - rating to the line , and past it , as far as the gore goes . This is not a movie for the squeamish . And yet it seemed to have a puritanical streak a mile long . From a character taking a shower in her clothes early on , to other key moments that would have had a lot more impact if there was some nudity involved . And I 'm not talking gratuitous nudity - I 'm talking logical stuff ( do YOU take a shower with your clothes on ? ) This odd repression didn 't ruin the movie , but it did feel like it was holding back , and EVIL DEAD should be the kind of movie that is no - holds - barred . It just continues to amaze me that violence and gore is becoming more and more mainstream , but sex and nudity are still taboos that are to be avoided at all costs . MA : This didn 't bother me . The movie 's pacing is so intense I didn 't have time to think about the fact that there wasn 't any nudity . But something else bothered me about this one . I agree with you that it pushes the envelope in the gore department , and I 'll even go so far to say that it 's nearly perfect with its handling of these horrific moments , in that in spite of the fact that it was in your face most of the time , it somehow didn 't go overboard . Now , all this being said , for some reason , and this is the problem I had with it , it wasn 't all that scary . I 'm not sure why , because there were certainly scenes of suspense , and while I was enjoying these scenes , they really weren 't getting to me . I think it 's because there was just a familiarity about the whole thing , as a reimagining of an old movie , that it somehow lacked freshness . Also , and I 'm not sure I can properly explain this , but it didn 't really hit me in the gut . I was more entertained by this one than disturbed , which surprised me , because it is such a bloodbath throughout . Another possibility I have to consider is perhaps the characters weren 't as fleshed out as they could have been , and I didn 't care as much if they had their arms lopped off . I don 't know . I enjoyed this one , but it didn 't really have me on the edge of my seat . LS : I think it 's a mix of two things . First , we 're jaded old guys who have seen this kind of thing a thousand times before . Extreme gore just doesn 't shock us anymore . Secondly , because this is a remake , we 're familiar with the story for the most part , so there aren 't a lot of surprises - although , Alvarez does diverge from the original story a few times . Between these two things , it 's going to be pretty hard to scare us . But for some kid who never saw the original , this might really rock their world . MA : What 's with all the breakfast cereal characters ? What is that you 're reading from , anyway ? The Book of Dead Breakfast Cereal Icons ? MA : I thought Jane Levy was excellent as Mia . She nailed this role . She made for a very strong lead , and I liked that she has to fight to overcome her drug addiction , a fight that strangely disappears at one point when she 's fighting the main demon face - to - face . Could this be a case where she was - scared straight ? LS : My one acting complaint , however , is Shiloh Fernandez as Mia 's brother David . He 's ostensibly the hero of this movie , and thus the equivalent of Bruce Campbell 's Ash in the original film . But let me tell you , David is no Ash . Not even close . Campbell may have given an over - the - top performance in the original , but it was riveting , and fun as hell . In comparison , Fernandez is kind of a dud . He 's kind of one - dimensional for most of the movie , and isn 't very interesting . He just reacts to everything that is thrown at him , but doesn 't have much of a personality of his own . I just thought his performance was a letdown for such a crucial role , and that someone with more charisma could have knocked this movie out of the park . MA : You 're right . He 's kind of low key , but he didn 't really bother me . However , I do agree with you that the movie would have been better with someone more charismatic , although I 'm not sure if that 's simply Fernandez ' fault or a lack of good writing . The way the story plays out , the character of David doesn 't turn out to be the most effective hero , and I didn 't really like this all that much . I would have preferred a stronger hero . LS : I also had a few issues with the ending . There 's a kind of loophole that provided a glimmer of hope toward the end of the film , that didn 't make complete sense to me . I don 't necessarily have a problem with glimmers of hope , but this one seemed forced , and that , again , goes against the whole " no - holds - barred " ethic of an EVIL DEAD movie . Despite these complaints , I liked this movie a lot , and thought it was pretty amazing . It may not be the scariest movie ever made , but it was one of the best horror movies I have seen in a long time , and I completely recommend it to fans of the genre . You 're going to have a lot of fun with this one , even if the basic plot ( guy reads book and summons demons ) still seems a little silly ( and , sadly , cliché , since so many people ripped Raimi off after the first EVIL DEAD ) . MA : I didn 't stick around to the end , so I missed the final surprise . I liked this one a lot too , although not as much as you . And while I thought it was a very good horror movie , I wouldn 't put it above other very good horror movies of recent years . For example , I thought last year 's CABIN IN THE WOODS ( 2012 ) was about the same in quality . LS : CABIN IN THE WOODS had a completely different agenda , and Joss Whedon 's script had a lot of fun with the tropes and clichés of the genre . It was smart and funny . The new EVIL DEAD is trying to do something completely different . MA : I liked the acting , the pacing , and the intensity of the in - your - face gore , but something about this one lacked freshness , perhaps because it was a reimagining . I also didn 't find the characters all that exciting or even likeable , with the exception of Jane Levy as Mia . Horror fans will love it . Non - horror fans won 't . ( The Scene : A cabin in the woods . MICHAEL ARRUDA & L . L . SOARES are inside , looking at books . LS is reading the Book of the Dead , while MA is reading the E - book version of the same . ) MA : I wouldn 't go clicking any icons if I were you . It is the Book of the Dead , after all . At least wait until after we finish this column . LS : You 're no fun . And I 'll press buttons if I want to ! See , I just clicked on the " Kick my Ash " icon and nothing happened . Up first on April 5 , it 's the remake / reimagining of THE EVIL DEAD ( 2013 ) . Most people reading this column are probably familiar with Sam Raimi 's 1981 original version . It 's the movie that put him on the map , as well as star Bruce Campbell . Based on the trailer for the new EVIL DEAD , it looks fairly faithful to the original story , but I 'll be surprised if it 's half as good . I 'm a big fan of the original and I 'm not expecting the remake to blow me away . But , as usual , I would love to be surprised and find out this is a really good version . So we 'll see . MA : Honestly , I haven 't seen the original EVIL DEAD ( 1981 ) in years , but I remember it fondly , as well as its sequels . That being said , I was never a big fan of the trilogy . I liked them , but I didn 't love them . Also opening on April 5 is a new thriller 6 SOULS ( 2013 ) . I know very little about this one , other than that it stars Julianne Moore , who I like a lot . If it opens near me , I 'll be seeing it and reviewing it . MA : On April 12 , we 'll be reviewing SCARY MOVIE 5 ( 2013 ) . I had enough of this series after just the first movie . The fact that we 're up to 5 is ludicrous . All I can say about this one is ugh ! LS : I agree . I also saw the very similar HAUNTED HOUSE ( 2013 ) , starring Marlon Wayans earlier this year ( Wayans was one of the originators of the first few SCARY MOVIEs ) and I enjoyed it . But SCARY MOVIE 5 seems to be covering a lot of the same territory , so the jokes may already be stale . I 'm not expecting much from this one . David Zucker , of course , is one of the men behind AIRPLANE ! ( 1980 ) , which he co - wrote and co - directed . He also co - wrote the NAKED GUN movies and directed SCARY MOVIE 3 ( 2003 ) and SCARY MOVIE 4 ( 2004 ) . So , maybe there 's hope . LS : On April 19 we 'll be reviewing OBLIVION ( 2013 ) starring Tom Cruise . This is going to be a big science fiction blockbuster starring Cruise as a guy doing cleanup on a destroyed Earth after an alien invasion . It looks like it could have potential , and Cruise is usually okay in these kinds of things . It 's directed by Jospeh Kosinski , the guy who directed TRON : LEGACY ( 2010 ) , which wasn 't too bad . Kosinski also co - wrote the screenplay , along with a couple of other writers , including Michael Arndt , who wrote the screenplays for LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE ( 2006 ) and TOY STORY 3 ( 2010 ) . Arndt is also on tap to write the screenplays for the upcoming HUNGER GAMES sequel and the next STAR WARS movie . LS : While I think OBLIVION might be fun , I am much more excited about another movie coming out that weekend , Rob Zombie 's new film THE LORDS OF SALEM ( 2013 ) . If this one comes out near me , I 'll be reviewing it solo . It concerns some DJs in modern - day Salem , Massachusetts who get a mysterious vinyl record in the mail by a new band that may be steeped in witchcraft . I 've been waiting for Rob Z to come out with a new original film ever since he made the last two HALLOWEEN films . He 's so much better working from his own original ideas , so I 'm very hopeful that this one might put him back on track as an ambitious horror filmmaker again . LS : PAIN AND GAIN might be fun . Both Wahlberg and Johnson have been in good movies , and bad ones , so this one could go either way . But the trailer looks pretty good . It 's the Michael Bay thing that worries me . MA : Exactly ! And I thought the trailer was all over the place . I couldn 't tell if it was serious or a comedy , and it turns out it 's both , which is fine , but for some reason I thought it looked goofy . And that wraps things up for April . Can I have the E - reader back now ? ( LS hands it back to MA ) . Hey , what did you do to the screen ? Marlon stars as Malcolm , a likeable guy who tells us early on that this is a big day , because his girlfriend , Kisha ( Essence Atkins ) , is finally moving into his house . Like the people in those PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movies , Malcolm is obsessed with filming everything that goes on in his house . Things start off on a bad foot when Kisha runs over his poor little dog pulling into the driveway , and they just get worse from there . When Kisha is upset that her keys are on the floor ( How did they get there ? ! ! ) , she immediately deduces that the house must be haunted and calls in a psychic named Chip ( Nick Swardson ) , who seems a little too interested in Malcolm . When things get weirder , Malcolm calls in a security guy named Dan ( David Koechner ) to install cameras all over the inside and outside of his house , so that he can keep track of the " ghost . " An especially funny scene involves Malcolm 's cousin Ray - Ray ( Affion Crockett ) and his crew , a group of thugs who are determined to get to the bottom of the haunting , but find out it 's not that easy to intimidate a supernatural being . When Malcolm and Kisha determine that it 's not a ghost at all , but a malicious demon ( ! ) , there 's a funny flashback to Kisha 's childhood with her callous Mom ( Robin Thede ) and Dad ( the always hilarious J . B . Smoove ) , that delves into the origins of Kisha 's demon problem . Malcolm and Kisha do everything they can to get rid of their unwanted visitor , including getting stoned with the invisible creep ( they all get mellow and engage ins some supernatural hijinks ) , and even having sex with the demon ( while Kisha has a good time with this , Malcolm 's experience isn 't quite so pleasant ) . Marlon Wayans does a fine job as our " hero , " Malcolm . Essence Atkins is really funny as Kisha , and the entire cast is pretty solid . Other supporting players include Andrew Daly ( who you might recognize from the HBO series EASTBOUND AND DOWN ) and Alanna Ubach , as Steve and Jenny , a swinger couple who are friends with Malcolm and Kisha , and who are always trying to get them to swap partners ( Malcolm is completely clueless to their intentions ) , and Marlene Forte as Malcolm 's maid , Rosa , who is up to some very surprising shenanigans when the couple is away . If a comedy is judged by how much you laugh , then A HAUNTED HOUSE is a success . I laughed a lot , and so did the packed audience I saw it with . The gags in this one come fast and furious , and most of them work . It doesn 't hurt that the movies this one is spoofing have created their own list of clichés just waiting to be goofed on . FLEA MARKET GUY : For you guys , I 'll give it to you for ten bucks . You won 't find another one like it . It 's called a Dybbuk box and it 's home for an ancient Hebrew demon . LS : In some ways , THE POSSESSION is yet another bland August horror movie . It seems like a lot of these mediocre movies are locked away until the later weeks of summer . Last week , we saw the amazingly flavorless THE APPARITION , featuring a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY rip - off with no scares . This week , we get an EXORCIST rip - off with no scares . Lucky us ! But I wouldn 't say this one had no scares . It had some . They just weren 't as intense as they needed to be , which is more that can be said for last week 's turkey , THE APPARITION . Clyde ( Jeffrey Dean Morgan ) , a high school basketball coach , is trying to deal with life after his divorce with Stephanie ( Kyra Sedgwick ) . Not only does he have to deal with only seeing his two daughters , Em ( Natasha Calis ) and Hannah ( Madison Davenport ) , on the weekends , but he has to reconcile himself with the fact that his ex - wife has a new boyfriend , Brett ( Grant Show - anyone remember him from the original Melrose Place ? ) . During their visits , there 's a sadness that hovers over Clyde and the kids , who have clearly been affected by the split . Clyde 's life , meanwhile , is in flux , as he just bought a new house of his own , and is seriously considering a new job in North Carolina , which would involve moving yet again . One weekend , he brings the girls to a flea market , where Em finds a strange wooden box with Hebrew lettering engraved on it . Em asks if she can have it , and her father buys it for her . From then on , Em 's behavior gets stranger and stranger as her relationship with the box threatens to engulf her life . Turns out it 's a box holding a Jewish demon called a Dybbuk . The entity is slowly possessing Em , but it 's a long process that involves the girl going through continual changes , including her ingesting lots of living moths ( ! ) and talking to a mysterious " woman " who no one can see . What follows are scenes in a hospital where an exorcism is attempted , involving Tzadok , Clyde , the two girls , and even Clyde 's ex - wife Stephanie . Will Em be saved from this evil being ? You 'll have to see the movie to find out . LS : Sure . The idea of a Jewish demon is very interesting , but this isn 't the first time we 've seen a movie about a Dybbuk . The last time we saw one of these critters was in 2009 's THE UNBORN , and this time around , I had the same problem as I had with that movie . The idea of a Dybbuk is interesting . But the movie , unfortunately , isn 't very good . LS : I didn 't mean to imply there were tons of movies about Dybbuks . It 's just interesting that there have been two in the past five years . It 's an interesting concept . It 's just too bad the movies about them aren 't better . LS : Scares ? What scares ? There are hardly any scares ! A scene at the very beginning , where a woman is beaten by the invisible Dybbuk when she tries to nail the box shut ( it 's her belongings that end up in that flea market ) is scarier than most of what comes after it ( and it 's not that scary ) . MA : True , but it 's better than anything we saw in last week 's THE APPARITION ! I also liked the scene where young Em is looking into her mouth in the mirror and sees the tiny fingers jut out of her throat . It was quick , but it was cool . LS : I had one of those audiences , too . The loud , outspoken kind , like when I go see a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie . Sometimes , these can be fun , but this time around , the audience didn 't really add much to the movie ; they were just annoying . But the slow pacing isn 't all bad . It actually gives the movie time to flesh out the characters . You do grow to know and care about this family , and Clyde is easy to sympathize with . First off , I have to say since we 're talking about Em , that hands down , I thought the best thing about THE POSSESSION was the performance by young Natasha Calis as Em . This kid is amazing ! The expressions she made , the emotions she conveyed , it was like watching an adult . I was really impressed by her . MA : Getting back to the scary part , you 're right , Em starts out so sweet , but when things start happening to her , that 's when Calis 's performance really takes off , and I found her , this sweet little girl , creepy ! And I 'm not talking about later on in the movie when she obviously is wearing scary make - up , but earlier , when she 's upset or angry , she 's got the best evil expressions . I thought she was terrific . LS : Yeah , that scene worked . But then you have the scene where Em " attacks " Stephanie 's boyfriend , Brett , and there 's this sudden wind and she has weird make - up on , and she 's standing there with a strange expression . That 's one of the scenes the audience I was with starting laughing out loud at . It was just so cliché . So for everything good in this movie , there 's something else that ruins the mood . For the most part , though , I thought THE POSESSION did " subtle " very well , which is a good thing , because it 's certainly not an in - your - face intense horror movie . I read that it was originally going to be Rated R but was edited down to a PG - 13 rating , no doubt because someone must have thought it would make the movie more profitable . I 'm not necessarily arguing for an R rating , but this movie would have benefited from some more intensity . The acting , overall , is pretty good . You might remember Jeffrey Dean Morgan as " The Comedian " from the exceptional superhero movie , WATCHMEN ( 2009 ) . He was great in that movie , and he shows here that he can play the lead in a film , something Ashley Greene showed us in last week 's THE APPARITION - which got me thinking , maybe these movies are just glorified screen tests for potential lead actors . MA : I already said my piece about Calis . She 's the best part of this movie , but I also enjoyed Madison Davenport as her older sister Hannah , and like you said , Sedgwick was also very good as the mom , Stephanie . I did find her character annoying at first , but she grew on me as the movie went along . LS : Danish director Ole Bornedal does a decent job , but the script by Juliet Snowden and Stiles White just doesn 't generate much in the way of scares . These are interesting characters , and the concept of the Dybbuk is interesting . So why is the movie so mediocre ? I 'd have to point to the weak script for that one . It simply takes a good idea and drops the ball . I wanted to like this one more , but I just can 't muster up much in the way of enthusiasm for the overall film . While hardly original , THE POSSESSION has enough going for it to make it work . While it doesn 't have a " name " cast , it does have an excellent cast . The four main leads in this movie , the parents and the two kids , are really good , and their performances help lift this movie to a level that at least makes it decent . In other words , I wouldn 't include THE POSSESSION on a list of August turkeys , and the cast is a major reason why . Another reason is that there are a lot of loose ends in this story . After Stephanie 's boyfriend is attacked , he drives away and then just disappears . What happened to him ? Did he die ? And why doesn 't Stephanie seem to care ? She doesn 't mention him again . Granted , all the exorcism stuff is happening at this point , but that 's what I mean by things being rushed near the end . We don 't even hear one line about how Stephanie feels about this . MA : And the scene in the hospital , where do all the doctors go ? After we see the shocking test results , the image of the demon inside Em , we see her family 's reaction , but what about the doctors ? Did they see it ? How do they explain it ? We don 't know because they just sort of disappear . LS : Well , the family sneaks Em down to the basement where the physical therapy room is . So I guess they 'd be undisturbed down there . But no one hears Em 's screaming at all ? I wasn 't sure if I bought that . And yeah , we don 't get to see the doctors react to that crazy X - ray image of the demon inside Em , and we don 't find out what they think is going on . MA : This sloppiness all happens towards the end , which is a major reason why I thought the ending wasn 't as good as the earlier bits . Plus the exorcism scenes were nothing we haven 't seen before . Too bad , because a stronger ending would have really helped this movie . So , at the end of the day , I found THE POSSESSION to be an enjoyable little horror movie that does the subtle things well , but forgets to finish the job with the real scares . I expected worse , would have liked better , but eventually found myself liking this one . At the very least , I wouldn 't throw this one into the scrap heap with other August turkeys . MA ( lifts note out of box ) : What 's this say ? ( reads ) Please deposit an additional $ 5 . 00 , and don 't forget to recycle your 3D glasses when you 're done . " ( groans ) . A house in the middle of nowhere with a horrifying past . A book of spells that maybe shouldn 't be read aloud . People who become possessed by demons . Sure , it 's been done before . Most famously in Sam Raimi 's classic EVIL DEAD ( 1981 ) , as well as the cult classic , EQUINOX ( 1970 ) . We even saw a new variation on the idea in this year 's THE CABIN IN THE WOODS . But there have been a lot of other movies with similar plots , and with varying degrees of success . 1990 's DEMON WIND is one of them . The story begins in 1931 . Outside of a farmhouse , there 's a body burning on a cross and another dead body on the ground . Inside the house , a woman uses a spell to keep the demonically possessed dead out ( they 're banging on the door to get in ) . We can tell they 're possessed because they talk in a weird , demonic voice that is hard to understand . The woman turns to her husband , George , for help , but he suddenly starts puking up oatmeal . Oops , looks like he 's possessed , too ! The woman raises a snow globe and says " If the crystal breaks , it 's the end of both of us . " By now , George has huge warts all over his face , tumors have grown on his body , and he has sharp teeth . I guess he 's a full - blown demon ! He attacks her , she shatters the globe , and the house blows up . Shaken up , Cory drives to the gas station , where the old guy who runs the place , Harcourt ( Rufus Norris ) , seems nice until Cory asks how to get to the " Old Carter Place . " Then the guy gets angry ( what , ANOTHER spooky gas station attendant ? Are they required in every movie like this ? ! ! ) . He threatens them , then later pleads with them not to go there . But Cory and Elaine aren 't going alone . It turns out they invited a bunch of friends to tag along . First there 's Dell ( Bobby Johnston ) and his girlfriend , Terri ( Lynn Clark ) . They 've also brought along another couple , Jack and Bonnie ( Mark David Fritsche and Sherry Bendorf ) . Dell is the brawny , blond frat boy of the group , and Jack is the brainy guy with glasses . Just when you think this is enough people for a house - warming party , along come Chuck ( Stephen Quadros ) who shows up in full magician regalia , and his buddy Stacy ( Jack Vogel ) . To complicate matters , Chuck used to date Terri and secretly wants her back , and Dell isn 't too happy about this . The first time they enter the house , there 's writing on the walls and Bonnie reads something aloud . The house goes crazy , shaking like an earthquake hit it , and bottles and dishes explode . Even a big cooked turkey ( without a trace of decay after all these years ! ) on the dining table explodes ! They run out . Their cars won 't start , so Cory and the gang leave the house and walk down the only road , intent on finding help . They walk and walk , and when they reach a certain point , they see a fog that blows over them ( is this the demon wind of the title ? ) Suddenly , they 're back at the ruins of Cory 's grandparents ' house ! The house won 't let them get away . Little girls appear talking in demon voices and dressed in vintage dresses . They say " You can 't leave . " One grabs Bonnie and turns her into a porcelain doll . No one seems to be very upset when the doll explodes in flames ( doesn 't anyone miss Bonnie ? ? ) . It 's getting dark , so Cory tells the others that it will be safe in the house . When they argue with him he says " It was just trying to warn us before . Don 't ask me how , I just know it . " They explore the house , which has several rooms . Cory and Elaine find Cory 's grandmother 's old diary , which tells of weird , demonic goings - on and offers some helpful spells on how to deal with devils . There are also a couple of magical daggers , which seem to get wasted on minor demons as the movie goes on . They all board up the doors and windows , and , when night falls , angry dead people ( no doubt possessed by demons ) rise from their graves . One by one , the friends begin to get killed off . Of course , none of them stays dead , as their bodies get possessed and their evil corpses try to kill off more of them . We never do find out who the little girls are . And the house itself becomes more and more menacing , as does a formerly destroyed barn in back that is also suddenly rejuvenated . When the big demon comes for them , Cory and Elaine read a spell asking for the " Spirits of Goodness and Peace " to help them , and Cory turns into a big - headed monster who fights for the forces of good ! He kind of looks like a dome - headed alien from the old OUTER LIMITS TV series . Super Cory goes up against the ugly , pustulant , evil demon . Some weird monster wrestling ensues . The effects are pretty cheesy for the most part , although some of the monsters look pretty good . The look and feel of this movie reminded me of late 80s / early 90s " scream queen " movies like SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL - O - RAMA and NIGHTMARE SISTERS ( both directed by David DeCouteau and both from 1988 ) , but this one is played completely straight and even though not much in this movie makes logical sense , it still works at times , in some bizarre way . It was directed by Charles Philip Moore , who also gave us ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION ( 1994 ) and the 1995 remake of NOT OF THIS EARTH . LS : ( Rolling his eyes ) . Well , at least you paid for the plane tickets , and don 't forget you promised to treat me to some REAL Italian food while we 're here . And some good wine , too . ( A security guard asks them who they 're here to see . When Nick reveals they just want to use the lobby to write a film review , the burly guard chases them out . Amazingly , our American horror freaks manage to sneak into the back yard of the facility , where they squat behind a row of hedges , listening to some of the patients babble and sing strange songs ) . NC : This week we have the latest entry into the " found footage / mock documentary " horror subgenre titled THE DEVIL INSIDE , which is basically an EXORCIST ( 1973 ) version of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT ( 1999 ) . I 'm a sucker for exorcism films , and have seen almost every EXORCIST rip - off that 's come down the pike since the early 70s . While most are unwatchably bad , 2010 's THE LAST EXORCISM was a rare treat ( and told things from a Protestant viewpoint , for a change ) , and for the most part , I 've been enjoying this recent spout of exorcism films . LS : Well , THE EXORCIST remains the gold standard for this kind of thing . I haven 't been too impressed with most exorcism movies since . I did like THE LAST EXORCISM , though . But , as for this " recent spout , " I can 't say every movie is worth seeing . I still think THE RITE ( 2011 ) was pretty lame . NC : So , as THE DEVIL INSIDE begins , Isabella Rossi is making a documentary about her mother , Maria , who in 1989 murdered three members of the clergy who tried to perform an exorcism on her . Since then , she 's been shifted to a couple of mental hospitals . When a jury found her innocent by reason of insanity in 1991 , she was transferred overseas to Italy to the Centrino Mental Hospital , on whose grounds we now stand . Spooky , huh ? WINNIE : No you 're not ! You 're looking for honey ! I know it ! I know it ! Well , you better share it with me if you find some . Isabella goes to an exorcism class at a Vatican - run school , and is impressed at the variety of people in attendance . She is befriended by two rogue Catholic priests , who eventually reveal they perform exorcisms without the church 's permission , in an attempt to help people ; apparently THEY can tell when certain people are genuinely possessed regardless of what the church says . Part of what made THE DEVIL INSIDE work for me are these two priests , Ben and David . They 're both flawed , yet seem to want to do the right thing . Ben 's more aggravated with the church than David is , but they both compliment one another 's work , Ben taking a strictly religious angle , while David ( who is also a licensed physician ) also uses scientific methods during their exorcisms . LS : Yeah , I liked Ben and David , too . In fact , I thought all the cast were really good here . The trick in these kinds of movies is to seem as natural as possible . This is supposed to be documentary footage ( even if it really isn 't ) . And everyone does a fine job convincing us of their sincerity . I also like Isabella and her mother a lot , too . NC : My favorite sequence is when Fathers Ben and David take Isabella ( and her cameraman ) to witness a real exorcism . Possessed girl Rosa ( played with grueling detail by real life contortionist Bonnie Morgan ) delivers an insane performance as our two priests attempt to deliver her from a demon . As far as possession films go , this scene is worth the price of admission . LS : Yeah , that was a good scene . I didn 't know she was a contortionist , but that makes the scene all the more impressive . Nice that it wasn 't all special effects for once . NAPOLEON : How dare you , sir . Napoleon Bonaparte is not , how you say , a " nut . " And I know what you are doing . You are spies lurking in ze bushes , spying on Napoleon , trying to discover ze plans I have to take over Europe . I dare you to deny it ! LS : And it 's not like they 're there just to visit her . They perform an exorcism . Even if Maria is really mentally ill , isn 't this going to make her incredibly hostile ? NC : But he manages to return to his apartment as if nothing happened , and when Father Ben asks him why he did what he did , Isabella answers on his behalf with the goofiest piece of dialogue I 've heard in years . " Well , he 's been under a lot of stress lately . " I will admit at this point that if this wasn 't about exorcism , I most likely would have been completely turned off to the rest of the film . I don 't know how many others will be as forgiving ( another pun ! ) . ( Another patient walks over to the hedges . It 's a tall man wearing only a white bathrobe with sandals and black socks . He says " Whooooo 's there ? " like an owl then begins to jump up and down , singing the Tom Jones song , IT ' S NOT UNUSUAL . ) I must admit that I LOVED the ending . I 've heard most test audiences booed it , but to me , a horror film 's ending should be bleak and shocking . The audience I saw this with was speechless . LS : I think you 're talking about the last scene , which I thought was fine . It is supposed to be " found footage , " after all . But the actual ending itself - if you really love how the movie ends - then we 're in complete disagreement . When I saw the movie , people were very pissed off with the ending , and I completely understood where they were coming from . I don 't usually discuss the ending of a film when reviewing it , but in this case , I 'll make an exception , mainly because THERE IS NO ENDING . The movie has been doing a good job sucking you in . It was much better than I expected - especially since January is a notorious time to release the real stinkers that studios have in the vaults . This one was an exception to that rule . The audience was really getting into it and invested themselves in the story . And then the movie ends very abruptly at a key scene , and the URL for a website comes onscreen . We 're told this " found footage " was currently under investigation and to go to the website for more news . This ending elicits two reactions simultaneously : On the other hand , this kind of ending is pretty cynical . First off , it has " sequel " written all over it . It wants you to pay more money to see more in the next movie . The URL pretty much is a stand - in here for the words " TO BE CONTINUED , " and after sitting through this movie and giving it your time , this kind of ending seems like a complete slap in the face . At least give us an ending that satisfies us ! That makes us feel like this whole journey hasn 't been a complete waste of time and a grab for our wallets ! When I saw the movie , the theater was packed . So obviously , people are going out to see this one . At the end , everyone was angry and cursing at the screen and felt cheated . Not exactly the best way to generate word of mouth buzz about a movie . In fact , even though I liked the movie , I found the ending insulting and it kind of ruined it for me . NC : Well , to me the ENDING was the final IMAGE on the screen . However , I 'm a bit mixed on what happens AFTER the ending . That website is given ( therossifiles . com ) for viewers to go to to learn more about the continuing Rossi case . One of the biggest questions in the film ( which asks what happened between Father Ben and his late uncle , who was his exorcist mentor ) is answered on the website in a video confession . I believe this confession could have been intercut with the film 's last scenes , and would have left more viewers satisfied . Personally , I would have been happy if this was NEVER explained , as it gives the film a sense of mystery that added to the tension . LS : Personally , I didn 't think that was one of the biggest questions of the film - and I don 't care if that was explained or not either . But I 'll tell you , for some reason I have no desire to go to the website - I paid my money . Everything important should have been on the damn screen ! I shouldn 't have to go searching for answers that should have been provided in the film itself . LS : Cool ? The gimmick actually lowered the rating on this one , for me . I thought the ending sucked enough to ruin an otherwise solid exorcism film . NC : As someone who has seen about twenty EXORCIST - rip offs and a dozen more possession films , I give THE DEVIL INSIDE ~ two and a half knives . The screenwriters should have thought a bit more about the couple of easily - avoidable flaws in their script . It 's easy to understand why many people will not be happy with this film . But if you can let these issues slide , there 's plenty of spooky fun to be had . LS : I had a hard time rating this one . On the one hand , I was going to give it three knives , up until the ending . I guess I liked it even more than you did . But after the rip - off at the end , I was angry enough to give it just two knives . If I 'm fair and split the difference , I guess I end up giving it two and a half knives , as well . But seriously , screw the gimmick of making us go to a website to find out more . Show it on the damn screen . I bet this gimmick angered enough people to generate some negative buzz - not good for future box office , or possible sequels . People just don 't like feeling cheated , especially these days when ticket prices are so damn high . But I enjoyed this movie a lot until that point . So my advice to our readers is this - wait and rent it . You won 't be as pissed off spending $ 5 to rent it on DVD or streaming video when the dumbass non - ending occurs , than you would if you and your date had spent $ 20 to go see it in a theater . NC : ( Answers his cell phone ) " Yes Antonio … we 're just about done here . We 'll be over in a few minutes . " L . L … . get ready for some old school , home - made pasta … hopefully without a pea soup appetizer ! NAPOLEON : Zere are ze spies I told you about . They want to know what Napoleon has planned next . Well , you will never know , you evil spies !

The best thing about September is my birthday ! … ( 30 second dance party - shake , shake , shake … pause … break it down now … . To left … . to the right now … do an old school dance … now back to your regularly scheduled email ) … And that is about how much celebrating I actually do . I spend more time sitting around contemplating if my life is where it 's supposed to be . Am I a conscious global citizen , an effective Christian , a caring friend , and a good person ? Has my life improved since this time last year ? Am I making it in the world ? Is this it ? If I was gone from this world , what would you say about me ? I recently heard the story about Alfred Nobel . Does that name ring a bell ? He was pretty successful at making explosives and he invented the dynamite . Unfortunately , one day his brother was killed in one of the explosions and people had mistakenly thought Alfred had died . Alfred 's obituary referred to him as the " Merchant of Death " . Could you imagine finding out the truth of what people thought about you and how they defined your life ? This wakeup call provoked him to create a legacy that honored the good in the world . People around the world are honored with Nobel prizes in chemistry , physics , medicine , literature , and peace . Does his name ring a bell now ? I 'm not saying that the only measure of doing good in the world is by getting a Nobel prize or some other form of external recognition . I have many measures in which I evaluate my life every September : Did I right a wrong , did I turn something bad into something good , did I handle conflict in a way that I could be proud of ? I used to hold grudges for at least 6 years . Now I 'm down to letting things fester for about 6 days at most . I know I 'm not perfect ; I can still be pretty mean or dismissive … but I 'm not as mean as I used to be . This year brought a couple of shady characters into my life that really tested how I treat people when I 'm extremely angry with them . Here is my list of things that I learned ( and actively working on ) : No matter how right you are - and how wrong they are - it is never about them . One thing I 'm learning about relationships and conflict is that it is all about you . You never know what the other person is going to do , how they are going to react , or what they are going to say . But you do have control over your own behavior . I had A LOT of opportunity this year to proactively decide how I wanted to treat the other person despite the possibility of negative retribution . How I actually treated them was a different story … but I tried my best . One thing I always tried to ask myself was , " what type of person does this situation reveal about me ? " It is never completely about what you are fighting over . Yes , each side has clear arguments and specific things that happened . One thing I learned is that we bring a lot of emotional baggage - that has nothing to do with the situation - to every conflict . The other person may unknowingly touch upon an insecurity you have . You may have biases or judgments against that person . You may be stressed about something else out of your control so you fight with those who are close to you over little things . Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself what else is bothering you besides that person . You have to live with yourself after it is all said and done . Most conflict will end relatively soon . You have to live with yourself - not the other person - at the end of the day . You have to answer to your conscious . The other person does not answer to you . You can either replay every negative thing they said and did , or , you can take a good look at yourself and how you were wrong and how you contributed to the problem . The people who care about the play - by - play of the altercation are looking for gossip . The people who help you see how you can grow and learn love you . But only one person has to deal with the aftermath and the consequences . If you don 't feel some emotional burden while being the " bigger person " there is a good chance you are not the bigger person in the situation . If you are older than 5 years old , apologies should hurt a little bit . It takes a lot of tension to destroy a relationship , so it should take some work to put it back together . I think we skip heartfelt apologies and genuine / sincere hope to resolve things because : 1 ) we typically don 't like to feel any worse than what we already feel so we avoid such acts , and 2 ) we don 't know how to sincerely apologize and truly forgive so we let things end without dealing with feelings . " Sorry " and " I forgive you " don 't erase pain and other emotions that led to their necessity . As strongly as you felt when you were angry with the other person is as strongly as you should feel when you forgive / ask forgiveness from that person . Reality TV sometimes gets real . There is a scene in " Little Women of L . A . " in which two women apologized to each other after a serious disagreement they had . I was very moved and touched because it was very genuine and because I personally don 't give and receive " sorry " enough . One of my favorite quotes is , " sometimes you have to accept the apology you are never going to get . " Forgive yourself . Forgive yourself for not doing or saying the right thing . Forgive yourself for being childish . Forgive yourself prolonging the conflict and not walking away . Forgive yourself for putting up with their crap for way too long . Forgive yourself for being the bully . Forgive the other person for being an asshole . Forgive the other person for not saying sorry . Forgive yourself for not doing your best to end on a good note . Forgive the other person for not reciprocating your efforts to make peace . Learn from it and move on because forgiveness is never about the other person . They say un - forgiveness is like drinking rat poison expecting the rat to die . So , do I think I 'm making it in the world ? It doesn 't always feel that way , but I theoretically know I am . I 've decided that I 've made it in life . I am living the epitome of a life well lived . I woke up this morning and I had the opportunity to decide what I would do with my day . Life could get better ; there is always room for more joy , more laughter , more ice cream , more good conversations , more Netflix binges , more love , and more money in the bank . I figured if life isn 't good enough today then it probably won 't be good enough tomorrow ( unless I secretly win the lotto ) . I don 't want place all my hopes that there is a tomorrow or a next birthday month for things to get better . As you know , this is the 9th out of the 12 letters that I committed to writing this year . Like I said , it doesn 't always feel like life is beautiful but it does when I write to you . The point of these letters is to remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for . Most importantly , I 'm grateful to know that there is at least one person in this world who cares to read my monthly ramblings on life . It has to be true because you made it to page 3 of the letter . I really like it when I get a response from you because sometimes it 's the only time I hear from you all year . I even keep some of the things you have written to me because it is so profound I wish I would have written it myself . Lastly , I realized that I haven 't left enough quotes : It 's funny how day by day , nothing changes . But when you look back , everything is different . When something like this happens , you find out what you 've been working for all those years . Van Gough , Failure , and Mosaics September 1 , 2015October 29 , 2015Leave a comment I really don 't cry over too many things . My mantra in life is that I won 't cry over anything or anyone in life that wont ( or can 't ) cry over me . The one exception is I would cry if my computer crashed and I was unable to recover all of my photos . This summer I 've been walking down memory lane of past Christmases , college , random flowers and everything that was important to me since I got my first digital camera way back in 2006 so I could back everything up to the cloud . I look at most of the pictures and see happy times . I know I had worries , but I couldn 't tell you what they were at that time . However , I can look at photos during a spring break trip my friends and I took in 2010 and I can tell you exactly what my biggest worry was . The winter school quarter had just ended and I was really nervous about my grade for anatomy . I did not do well on any of the midterms and I was pretty sure I didn 't miraculously get an A on the final that would have boosted my grade to a passing " C " . I was right . The grades were posted and I got a " D " in the class . I emailed the professor and he told me there was nothing he could do because my grade was far below the average . To put it in context , I thought my life was over . This was my senior year of college and this was a required class I needed to graduate . It was also a pre - requisite for the next class that I was required to take in the Spring ( also needed for graduation ) , and both classes were offered only once a year . It seemed as if I would not graduate on time and I would have to wait an entire year to hopefully pass it the next time . I told my friend Cindy and she said , " Well , there is nothing you can about it now so you might as well just enjoy the trip . " And I did … as much as I could . I have the smiling pictures to prove it . 1 . We get so anxious about the future that we hardly stop and realize how far we have come and how strong we are because of it . Setbacks , fails , and disappointments are just as important as the success , applause , and achievements . I just hope for more good memories than bad . More successes than failures . And to not be defeated by any situation . 2 . No matter what we are going through in life , good and bad , it is just a snap shot . It 's not the defining picture of our life . We are not trapped in a moment or a season of life … unless you chose to be . 3 . Most of the things we are going through won 't matter this time next year . We probably won 't be affected by the outcome of the disagreements or whatever it is that bothered us . I 'm not talking about major crises . I 'm thinking more along the lines of all the idiots in our lives that irk us and small mishaps that are part of life . You 're not going to miss that $ 5 you spent on coffee next year and go into debt 20 years later because of it ( unless it turns into a habit you can 't afford 20 years from now ) . You 're not going to have sleep issues for the rest of your life because you stayed up real late that one Tuesday night . Most things work out … eventually . Our bodies and our lives are designed to reach homeostasis . No matter how good or how bad , up or down , left or right , we will always try to make are way back to baseline . 5 . All of the moments in our life create a bigger picture of who we are . When I look back at my pictures of my life nothing brings tears , shame , or regret . ( I 'm not saying everyday feels like I won the lotto and everyone around me is o . k . , but relatively speaking I acknowledge that my existence has been pretty peaceful . ) It is probably why I 'm attracted to the painting ' Wheat Fields with Cypresses ' by van Gough . ( You should google the picture ) . The picture is of a clear day with ¾ of clear skies in soft light blue paints . 6 . On the other hand , some people have some really , really dark times . Your life is probably a little more akin to van Gough 's ' Starry Night ' . The blues are a little darker . The indigo cries in a way that sky blue doesn 't . The skies are a little more turbulent . But it still is very beautiful and a lot more people resonate with ' Starry Night ' more so than ' Wheat Fields with Cypresses ' . 7 . My other favorite type of art is mosaics . It 's not the individual pieces of glass that are beautiful . It 's the broken and fragmented pieces that come together to make a complete work of art . The purpose of some pieces make no sense until the work is completed . Just like the snap shots of our lives . Somethings only make sense in retrospect . One of my favorite quotes is : When everything seems to be falling apart it may be because everything is falling into place . Bonus quote : God takes the broken pieces of our lives and turns them into a beautiful mosaic . My New Year Resolution this year is to consume less , produce more , and waste nothing to help me stay grateful and grounded in the moment . When I was thinking about what I was going to write I was trying to figure out how going through at old photos fit with the theme . I decided that reflecting on the pass prohibits me from being consumed by anxiety over what is next . And I am A Hoarder September 1 , 2015October 29 , 2015Leave a comment My friend Lupe once said that most people 's problem is that they live in their head and not through their body . I 've contemplated her meaning and how it manifests in different aspects of my life . One such avenue is my personal space . So I decided to clean the apartment , get rid of junk , organize the rest of my junk , and the like . This all started when my parents decided they no longer loved me . After 5 years of not living at home , they actually decided to change my room . I always thought it was supposed to be left exactly the way I left it as a shrine to their magnificent , wonderful , kind , intelligent , humble daughter . It was supposed to be a place where my dog ( and I guess the humans in the house ) could walk in and reminisce over the great times they had with me . It was supposed to make them excited and anticipate my returning home . But NNNOOOOOOOO … they had to paint the room gray . They had to get rid of my stuff . They had to put a stationary bike in the room . They even threatened to get rid of my books . I read this quote from a person on their death bed about what they would have changed about their life . Their response was " If I could have done it again , I would have traveled lighter . " That can mean so much to so many different people . For me , that means I don 't want to be anchored by stuff . You can be physically anchored to stuff . My dad can attest to the amount of stuff that I have . He has had to throw a lot ( of my stuff ) away . He had to load his truck and move my stuff from multiple places . I joke that the next time I move is the last time I move because I have so much stuff . I never want to get to that point where I need a lot of stuff to feel as if that there is something of value in my life . I don 't want to be that person who can 't walk away from stuff ( This is exactly why I have a shopping at Target problem . I 'm emotionally attached before I even by it . ) Being emotionally anchored to stuff is probably more problematic . I had to spend a lot of time convincing myself that throwing away some items is not the same of throwing away the memory or emotion that item evokes . I did get rid of a lot those items that reminded me of the good ol ' days . ( Please , hold your applause ! ) It was hard because those items bring instant happiness of something / some memory that I would not have felt in that moment if I had not seen that item . I had to tell myself that even if I didn 't have those reminders of the past , I will be o . k . I won 't forget what made me happy ; more importantly , those moments that the trinkets represent contribute to my well - being today . I might not get the instant gratification of that thought ever again , but my life has already benefited from that moment and I can move forward . I try to be aware of my New Year Resolutions : Produce more . Consume less . Waste nothing . Going through my stuff reminds me how much money I have wasted , how much stuff I consume , and how much I have already . I truly have more than enough in every aspect of my life . I really don 't need too much more . If I just keep this in mind I will have a lot more money in the bank ! Dad , Cars , and Jail September 1 , 2015October 29 , 2015Leave a comment The best thing about cleaning is that you begin to appreciate all that you have . So , I decided to get everything in order and take my car to the carwash today . While I was waiting for my car it made me think of two things : teaching at the jail and my dad . I 'm part of an extracurricular program where UCSF students go to the county jail and teach health classes to the female inmates . I 've taught on topics on nearly everything from diabetes , to sleep issues , to harm reduction for sex workers . I always wonder if someone would have told any of those women that they were smart , or worthy , or didn 't deserve being abused that it may have prevented them from making some of the choices that they made that landed them in jail . For instance , last week the topic was female anatomy . So of course we talked about sex , and how things work , and what does it mean when things aren 't working . One of the ladies shared a story where her sex partner did something without her knowing , but she felt that it was o . k . ( In other words , she consented to sex , but some things were done to her body that she was unaware of . She said she was o . k . after the fact , but I don 't think she was because she chose to share this experience ) . I try not to pick on people when they share something like that and they become vulnerable to the group and possibly criticism and judgment . At the same time , this may be the only time when someone says to that woman , " that is not o . k . and you deserve to be treated better and have full consent about what happens to your body . " ( I learned pretty quickly that they won 't listen to me if I tell them what they " should and shouldn 't " do , but I will tell them that other people aren 't allowed to do harmful things to them . They may choose to self - harm , but other people have no right to hurt them . ) Later , another inmate made her cry because she was pleading with her to not use heroin when she leaves the jail . The reason I didn 't regret that one lady being so exposed in the class was because she had this realization , " maybe I end up here over and over and over is because I keep doing the same thing over and over again . " One thing I 'm very aware of is that I 'm not where I am in life because I was born with the right genetics and the right mindset . Honestly , I was born to the right parents with the right resources and the right opportunities … and I chose to utilize it . While many of the women in the jails ( and outside of the jails ) never knew their fathers , my father has been a very constant and vocal part of my life . While many of their fathers harmed them in unthinkable ways , my father protected me . I remember when I first started college there were many people who just dismissed their parents because they didn 't live with them anymore . I feel as if my dad did his best , he never did anything intentionally to hinder , harm , or stagnate my life . Yes , he still is opinionated even though we don 't live together ; however , he did right by me for the 1st 18 years of my life so he earned the right to have his opinions be at least heard . I 've never had car trouble ( aside from the couple of times I crashed it ) . Every so often I get the oil changed . I check the tires to make sure they aren 't balding . In the 9 years I had my car I never had any real issues with it . When my dad purchased this car for me , he was thinking of a car that would support me and be reliable for a very long time . He knew what to look for in buying this car . I can 't tell you what was going on in his mind 9 years ago , but I knew his focus was making the best decisions for my wellbeing for the long run ( and I 'm not just talking about the car ) . I was thinking about that today because I was thinking about what life is going to be like in the next year . In all my worries and in all my concerns , reliable transportation isn 't one of them . That is a benefit to my daily life . I think about how the women in jail made bad decisions ( or just got caught up in drugs ) because your mindset isn 't different when you are always trying to survive . Think about how much you don 't have to worry about … Is your car going to get you to work . Do you have work to go to ? Does the pay cover the gas it takes to get there ? Will you eat today ? Will you have lights tomorrow ? Do you anticipate the next season of Orange is the New Black or do you anticipate another dark cloud coming your way ? Never judge someone who is making decisions to survive . And yes , often times choosing drugs is an emotional survival method . I always think about what decisions led the women to jail . We all make bad mistakes , but why did they make worse mistakes that had more serious consequences than the rest of us . We can talk about how some people are just bad and do bad things . We can talk about how poverty and racism and social injustices and economic injustices and unfair policing and predatory affluence and current laws and policies ensure that private prisons stay filled . Or we can talk about ( as my Uncle Jerry would say ) people 's 1st 4 walls - their homes , family structure , and community structure . I didn 't wake up in nursing school one day . I had people make decisions on my behalf before I was even born that I would be safe , happy , and have some level success and self - assurance . ( You read my May letter , right ? ) Trading Mom September 1 , 2015October 29 , 2015Leave a comment One of my favorite movies growing up was called Trading Mom . The plot was about 3 siblings who shared an overwhelmed and frustrated mother . The father was absent and the mother was struggling to keep everything together . The siblings learned of a spell to make all traces of their mother disappear from their existence and memory . They each received a token to pick out a new " perfect " mommy from the mommy market . If they couldn 't find a better mom after 3 tries , they would become orphans for the rest of their lives . What kid wouldn 't have wanted to pick out a new parent ( s ) at some point in their life ? Some of you adults probably wish there is a mommy market out there to replace your mother . Either way , we are stuck with the mom we got . Lapedtra is the mom I 'm stuck with for the rest of my life . I really wish I could remember the day I realized that " mommy " wasn 't her actual legal name and it was a title that she acquired the day my older brother was born . I wish I knew my mom in her early twenties before she was " mommy " . I think we would have been friends . She was ( and she might still be ) this individual with hopes , and dreams , and ambition , etc . Over the past 26 years she has made me believe that I 'm included in her list of hopes and dreams ( and hopefully I 'm at the top of that list ) , but I 've been thinking that maybe there is more to my mother than just being my mother . I wonder what her hopes and dreams are now . Only in writing this do I realize how little I know about my mom outside of her role as my eternal advocate . For any of you who know my mother , you know that she is a very relational - oriented person and there isn 't a single soul she wouldn 't help . If you don 't know my mother , think of something you really like about me and I promise you that quality is magnified 10x and is part of the essence of my mother . I 'm tempted to write out 26 years worth of amazing things about my mother that the world should know about . She is also human and she isn 't perfect . Our relationship isn 't perfect ; I don 't call as often as I know I should and I probably have hurt her feelings more than I know . It doesn 't take away from the fact that there are so many things about my mother that I admire that I should tell her face to face . In short , if I do turn into my mother it would be something that I would embrace and the world would be better because of it . The way we celebrate Mother 's Day is a little off . We are basically celebrating moms who parent us up to our standards . Mother 's Day would be better served if we acknowledge our mothers as human beings outside of their role as our caregivers . Mother 's Day should be about honoring moms for being good , imperfect , fallible people who are trying to navigate and negotiate this world just like the rest of us . Mother 's Day should also be about remembering the moms who are live in our hearts and not on this Earth and celebrating the person that they were and the legacy they leave behind . Mother 's Day should be about forgiving Mommy Dearest and taking into consideration that maybe she isn 't happy that she didn 't live up to the expectation of what kind of mother ( or person ) she had hoped to be . Forgive her for your own sake , accept the apology you may never get , and honor the women who have impacted you 're life in a positive way . Mothers Day should be about the women who don 't have children of their own , but have influenced many generations of children . Mothers Day should also be about loving on the moms who have lost children . In the movie the Trading Mom , the kids got to try a new mom for a week . Each new mommy had 1 great quality and a whole bunch of horrible qualities . At the end , the kids began to describe their version of a perfect mom . It was no surprise they described their original mom . The spell was lifted because they were able to remember the little things that made her perfect and the next morning they woke up and their tired and frustrated mother was back . The difference was that the children were able to see her for who she was and not just what she did for them . " But there 's a story behind everything . How a picture got on a wall . How a scar got on your face . Sometimes the stories are simple , and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking . But behind all your stories is always your mother 's story , because hers is where yours begin " - Mitch Albom Crossing Boundaries September 1 , 2015October 29 , 2015Leave a comment Someone recently crossed a very personal boundary . Let me give you the context . Its rush hours . I 'm late and I decided to take public transportation . ( If you are running late - never take public transportation ) . Anyways … I noticed that most of the people were clustered at the front of the train car - basically standing and sitting on each other 's lap - and there were a few people at the back comfortably seated . A normal person who pays attention in life would have thought that something was weird . Nope , not I . I just got on the back of the bus and found a seat . I took one step onto the train / car and smelled the reason why people were smushed together at the front of the train / car . I only had two stops to go and the smells of the city is nothing to me . I stayed on a bus even when someone threatened to blow the bus up . I nearly got my head bashed in with an umbrella when two people were about to fight over a seat . I even got stuck in the underground tunnel for 40 minutes . A little body odor wasn 't going to stop me from getting on the bus . O . k . , it was a lot of body odor . When she caught me staring at her , she gave me the universal " it stinks in here " sign . I gave her the nod . That lady and connected over the putrid smell that offended our nose .

Yay ! I made something today ! I pulled something in my neck a day or so ago , and therefore am taking off from the gym , but I was feeling pretty lazy today so I decided to make a skirt . I bought this amazing orange tweedy wool fabric from Mood a while ago and never did anything with it . I fully intended to make a skirt one day with it , and as the fates had it , today was the day . The pattern is my own , made during my patternmaking class at Make . Sorry for the non - linkage , but I 'm using Mike 's Mac , and Safari and Blogger don 't play so well together . Any ideas for making this easier ? There she is , resting on my bed . Isn 't she a doll ? She 's got front and back darts , an invisible side zipper ( I 'm still perfecting the art of the top of the zipper , so any suggestions here are most welcome ) and is a true A - line . I did this awesome thing with the waistband that I 'm super proud of . I took the idea from a dress I made from a different class at Make . I put bias tape on the right side of the skirt , and then turned it inward and secured it to the inside of the skirt to form a stable waist . And now the portrait shots . Mike is out today so its me and the mirror . Um , both big mirrors chez moi are filthy , so I am sorry for the grime . The skirt is clean , I assure you . I even ironed it , and if you know anything about me , you know that is a huge deal . This is my glamour shot , designed to make it look like I actually have hips that are a different width from my waist . Hip hip hooray for my lovely skirt ! I can 't wait to wear her out ! Yesterday I got the sexiest haircut ever . I went to a new salon , reco 'd by my friend Julie , and this gal was just amazing . First of all , she was supercute . I love when hair girls are supercute , as it makes me feel like I , by mere proximity , can become supercute too . Secondly , she was attentive and did exactly what I wanted . I even asked her what she would do if I gave her carte blanche , and she said she would do the same thing , as she wants to grow out some of my layers and give me length overall . Just what I wanted , by the way . You may never see it straight like this ever again . I haven 't had it straight in a number of years . Three , probably . Last night , Mike walked right by me at the bar . He didn 't even recognize me ! How cool is that . Mind you , this photo is after a night of boozing , and sleeping on it . And you can 't tell ( I hope ) but I 'm still just in my bra . No shirt yet for me ! But what 's the deal with my nose ? Its looking rather bumpy and icky in this pic , but the hair looks fabu , so I 'll let it slide . Gotta run for a lunch date . But enjoy the hair ! And pray for a return to knitting content soon ! Oh , Internets . What 's going on with my life ? I filed a formal complaint against my boss for her physical attack . I realized that I couldn 't just let it slide and that an apology would be useless , as I am so afraid of what she might do next . So , formal complaint it is . And now I 'm on a paid leave of absence while an Investigation takes place . This is seriously weird . I haven 't been to work all week . And I 'm totally in limbo , though I realize that in all likelihood , I will not be returning to my job unless they fire the President . Unlikely , for sure . I 'm taking care of errands . i returned one of the three winter coats I bought . I went to the library . I visited a friend 's new apartment . I paid some bills . I made a trip to the mailbox . I 've gone to the gym . I 've even showered . And today I 'm getting a haircut . But it still feels so weird . I know I 'm doing the right thing by standing up for myself but I partly feel like I 'm making a big deal out of this . But , I do think that feeling comes directly from how my boss has browbeaten me in the past , making me feel like an idiot for sitting in the wrong chair . Its like she 's brainwashed me into feeling like a complete moron with no smarts and no voice . And I know for sure that ain 't me . So booya Madame President . Screw you for putting your hands on me . I doubt you 'll learn a lesson , but I 'll be damned if I don 't try to teach you one . I made a hat today . Actually , I made a hat today , twice . I usually wind up making hats twice . I love it . But of course , there 's a back story . I made this hat before ( so I guess that means I 've made this hat 3 times ) . It was the very first hat I ever made , way back when I learned to knit in around 2002 . It was made out of a coral - orangey color Rowan Big Wool and I was so excited . So very very very excited . I wore this hat for three winters , loving its warmth and plush - ness and everything about it . But , it was a llittle big . And this was before I knew that you could fudge patterns to make them how you want them . But here 's the bad news . I lost the hat . Last winter , while I was taking the M21 from my office to Make workshop for a sewing class , it must have fallen out of my pocket on the bus . I had been carrying a ton of stuff - my regular handbag , a bag with my sewing class stuff , a bag of stuff to stay at Mike 's for the night ( this was before move - in # 2 ) and a roll of patternmaking paper . After walking from my office to the bus stop , I was so hot that I took the hat off and jammed it into my coat pocket . I arrived at Make only to realize that my hat was no longer in the pocket . It was a sad , sad day . But that brings us to today . I didn 't lose any time hatless last winter and I was determined not to do so this winter . Sure , I have other hats , but I loved this pattern and loved that hat . Its " Madge " from Rowan 's Bigger Picture . The color is shade 25 , a very eggplant looking purple . Of course , it will match the scarf that I just can 't seem to finish . I did some mods - The pattern calls for a garter stitch border before going into the seed stitch for the crown , but I wanted all seed stitch , all the time . I took out two rows to account for the slightly smaller size I was looking for from the last hat , and I made the hat . This is what I came out with : It was big . So big that it covered my eyebrows . So big that it was dragging at my neck . And what did I do ? Instead of being sensible and just ripping back to before the shaPosted by I have spent the day so far searching for and applying to jobs . I have had enough . Seriously . Fuck this place , and fuck the boss . Crazy fucking bitch . Yesterday , at a work function , my boss , the president of this esteemed organization , put her hands on my neck and shoulders and shook a little . Aggressively . And then laughed it off . I was stunned , to say the least . I just looked at her , looked at a coworker who was standing with us , looked back to her , and walked away . What I should have done was walk out , never to return . Or , at least , said quite loudly , " Take your hands off me . That is inappropriate . " And then walked out . But no . I just walked around the corner to another hallway and collected myself , and then rejoined the meeting . This all occurred because I asked her where she would like me to sit for the meeting . Because , yes , I have to ask permission from my boss about which seat to take during a meeting . Because yes , she is totally fucking off her rocker . The really shitty part about this is that she has already fired all of the HR staff , so there isn 't anyone I can talk to about it except for her . There aren 't any other senior staff members that I can talk to either , because they run their own programs and have very little to do with the core work that the President 's office runs and are therefore useless . I can grin and bear it , or I can walk away . I am ready to walk away . This is just ridiculous . And hence , Chester Copperpot . If only I had that treasure map and could pay for my rent and health insurance without this crazy animal of a boss riding down my neck . I think I 'll start calling in sick every day until I find a new job . This is just ridiculous . My interview with the high - salary place was a week ago last Friday . So , two weeks tomorrow . A week ago Monday I sent in the requested references and writing samples . Yesterday I called the woman to follow up ( left a VM . hate that ! ) . And nothing . Is that or is that not a bad sign ? I think its a not - so - good sign . I think that if she was totally gaga over me , she would have gotten back to me in response to my materials , or at least , you know , ever . And now I wait . Or do I wait ? Of course I wait . But I guess what I thinking about is , do I wait with anticipation or hope for an offer ? Or do I just put it out of my mind and know that I did all that I could , following all the right steps , etc . ? I don 't know if I want the job . And I 'm not just saying that becuase I don 't think I 'm going to get it . If she called me right now and said she 's got a great offer for me , I don 't know what I would do . I have so much freedom here , and so many liberties with regards to time , wardrobe , attitude , etc . There 's no real incentive to switch places other than the fact that my boss is a power - hungry megalomaniacal psychopathic narcissistic depressive with abandonnment issues . But I know that and I can try to limit my interaction with her as best I can . Oy . Oy vey is what I have to say today . Knit one more diamond on the scarfy scarf . Sloooooooooow . But I think I would like to try to finish this weekend . Just because . And I 'm going to make myself a coordinating hat this weekend , too . I think I 'll pick up the yarn tonight on my way to the bar after work . Yay ! Bar after work ! The knitting on this scarf isn 't going as quickly as I had hoped . I figured I would be totally done by this weekend that just passed , but no dice . I am about 8 diamonds into it , and not quite finished with the first skein of Kersti . But I like it . Its fun . I just find it hard to work two repeats in a row because the counting is a little tedious and I 'm sorta dumb with numbers . Here is another photo if you just can 't handle that one . And I think I decided what sweater I want to make , as my first real sweater project . Its from the Winter 2004 IK , and its the Mohair Cowl Pullover . It seems kinda cool , and an easy thing to do . From there I want to try a top - down raglan with an open neck . But I fear I am getting ahead of myself . The cool thing I wanted to share is this : They are handknit , from Turkey . A woman I work with is from Turkey , and goes each summer to do archaeology stuff . Last week she learned that I knit , and told me about these old women in her hometown who sit there in the streets and knit these slippers , and how they chat away and knit without looking at their work and make these beautiful things . Then , yesterday when we were on our way to a site visit , she presented me with this pair of slippers . Aren 't they amazing ? I just love them . The fit is very snug , and so totally warm and comfortable . I thought they would be itchy , but they are so smooth on the inside . I put them on as soon as I got home from the gym and didn 't take them off until it was time for bed . Sigh . Warm feet make me happy . Here , you can sort of see the construction . It seems like its two rectangles that are assembled together to make the part around the foot itself and the part that goes around the heel . Both are attached to a footbed , and then the toe is folded into itself . I also love how you can see my whiter than white legs in this photo . Go Pale ! I 'm too busy at work right now to hate my job . I guess that 's some amount of relief , though it seems strange to me . I had a great weekend . My Saturday class at the gym hurt so good , and I loved it . Yay for getting stronger ! And on Sunday I had a great girl - day with my friend J . We saw In Her Shoes , which I thought was good ( she thought it was slow ) and then did a little shopping . I think J . is my shopping good - luck charm . I have a terrible time shopping , but whenever I 'm with her , I always find way more than I can afford . Its a blessing and a curse , for sure . Gotta get back to the grind . . . but maybe some photos of the scarf tomorrow . I 'm about 7 diamonds in . So much for two a night - I knit two this weekend ! It doesn 't work : Your search - " megann needs " - did not match any documents . Suggestions : - Make sure all words are spelled correctly . - Try different keywords . - Try more general keywords . Most of my life I went through much trauma from having a name nobody else had , or at the very least , nobody spelled it like I did . Sigh . No meme for me . I called the cops last night . My neighborhood is sometimes the worst fucking ghetto you can imagine . Most of the time its great and I love it , but its often filled with people who flap their gums and argue in the street and blast their comforts into everyone else 's personal space , usually after midnight . Like last night . I had fallen asleep . As in , I was already asleep . And what do I hear , that actually wakes me up ? Music . LOUD MUSIC . From a car , parked in a spot , on the street outside my bedroom window . Now , normally the situation is some fucking asshole who double parks and talks to his friends while pumping shitty rap music at ninety million bazillion decibels . But this time , the dude was in . his . car . With the windows closed , because , you know , its raining . And his music Woke . Me . Up . So , I turned my cell phone back on and called the 88th Precinct . The officer was very nice and said he 'd send someone out to take a look . So , I turn my phone back off , get back into bed , seething , and lie there . Listening to this asshole 's music . Mike had passed out long ago after a binge drinking session with a friend , so he barely stirred . And I was left , yet again , to stare at the fucking ceiling while everyone around me in the whole wide world sleeps . Is there no justice ? Do I not work hard enough each day that I don 't deserve to sleep ? Do I have " wake me up every night " written on my forehead ? Or rather , " just don 't let me sleep , ever , so that I become the crankiest woman who ever lived " ? Maybe that 's more appropriate . So , I , me , Megann with two n 's , is the crankiest woman who ever lived . I have not slept a real night 's sleep in about a week . And I hate everyone around me , I hate my job andPosted by The spell , she is broken . I am using my fabu camera and taking pictures of lovely things that I am creating with my hands . This is the scarf , and I love her already . I wound up getting some Koigu Kersti for her , as Purl no longer carries Noro yarns . Say wha ' ? I fell in love with some Alchemy with the same silk content as Silk Garden but it was about $ 18 per skein and I was so not down with that . So , Kersti it was . And I am pretty darned happy with it . The colors are beautiful . I think they photo 'd pretty well , with the beautiful purples and browns and such . And the pattern is so much fun to knit ! The two diamonds took no time at all , and its very easy to follow . According to the pattern , 18 repeats make an extra long scarf ( and we all know how I love love love extra long scarves ) . With 16 left , I figure a minimum of two a night would take me 8 days , right ? With the weekend coming up I could definitely finish it this weekend . Yay for new scarves ! On to the next . This is the baby blanket from SNB , the first book , for Mike 's soon - to - be nephew . I am at the point where I will reverse the knit and purl panels for the second half of the blanket . I just haven 't done it yet . And this , my dear readers , is the famous blankie - shawl . She is knit in Knit Picks Elegance , and she is so freaking soft I just want to eat her . Or at least fondle her all the time . As you can tell , she is too big to spread out over the needles , so you are seeing the center spine of the shawl . At the bottom is the neck side . The pattern calls for 17 inches , but I think I 'm going to go longer so that it covers more . I 'm in the 3rd skein of yarn and I bought 7 , so I may have a ways to go on this one . It gets boring , as its all knit in garter stitch . But its so soft that I can overlook its . On a professional note , I am thisclose to being ready to submit my MPA application . Just a few more tweaks on my essay and its good to go . I found out that rolling admissions are a good thing , even though they are spaced out over several meetings . So , they say about 5 wPosted by I am wearing boots today . This is a big deal . Not just closed - toe shoes , but actual boots , that zip up the side . Serious non - summer shoes . I always find it hard to make the transition . I love going almost barefoot when I can , and I just love wearing flip flops and sandals . Which is strange when you think about it because I always have cold feet , no matter what I 'm wearing . One would think that with constant cold feet , I 'd be a little wary of bare shoes . But no . I love these boots , too . I just brought them to the cobbler last week to get them re - heeled in time for the new season , and I 'm glad . I just love them . If I would only remember to use my darned camera , I could take a photo of them and share with the group . They are lovely , truly . No knitting progress last night , as the love - of - my - life and I took it easy on the couch , with some much - needed snuggling tossed in for good measure . Gosh is he cute . And a good snuggler . This morning I had my annual visit to the gyno , and all is well . Whew . Not that I thought it wouldn 't be , but I always like hearing that I am healthy . Its nice . Since I can 't really take a lunch break today , as I only got into the office at noon , I will be going to Purl after work to pick out my Noro for the Edgar scarf in this issue of Knitty . I 'm thinking Silk Garden , as I have never worked with it before , and the hat I made out of Kureyon was a little too scratchy for my taste . I hope that the silk content will smooth out the fiber and scratchiness . And , to my credit , I even checked for needles this morning so that I know I can start the project immediately . It turns out that I have to sets of size 8s , one a 16 " circ that I 'm currently using for the unfinished legwarmers , and the other 8s are long circs ( 32 " ? ) that I " m using for the blankie shawl . Since I like to knit scarves on straights , I 'll treat myself to a short pair of straight 8s . And since I 'm now dreaming of warmth ( the A / C is still on in my dumb office - can these jerks get anything right at all ever ? ) , I leave you with an older photo , Posted by Pictures soon , I promise . I 've just been lazy . But not so lazy as to have not made any progress on the blanket ! G - d bless laundry day . I made it to the pattern reverse mark , which means that I am 50 % complete . It has been pretty easy going , and I 'm sure that I will have it done in time to deliver it in December . Plenty of time . But now I 'm growing bored with it , and I really want to make something small . This is my third large project in a row . First the shawl , then the blankie - shawl ( in progress , I know , I know ) and then the actual blankie . I would like to make a scarf . Or a quickie hat . I recently acquired the Scarf Style book , and like Ruffles and one of the crochet patterns ( and I actually have the yarn for it already , which makes it an excellent candidate ) . I also like this scarf from the recent Knitty . Thanks for the sock recommendations . I think I 'll take what I 've learned from my comments ( thank you ! ) and from asking around and put it all together in an actual store and see what I wind up with . I hear that many love love love Nancy Bush , so that might also be a good place to start . On another note , wish me luck with this job thingy . I think my interview on Friday went really well , and today I 'm sending the requested references and writing samples . I hope that this works out , as it would be pretty cool . However , I 'm trying not to get my hopes up , as it would be terribly upsetting to crash with the realization that I have to stay where I am for a while longer . But , at least I got my raise . I guess the lesson here is to be thankful for what you have . And I am . After feeling incredibly guilty about my list yesteray of unfinished items , I worked on the baby blanket last night . It was the first time I knit while watching TV . Typically , I have to look at the stitches , but last night I was in the zone , so to speak , and the rows just flew by . Perhaps it was the crappy Lifetime movie I watched that made it easier to focus less on both . Perhaps . Regardless , I have about 3 more inches to go on the blanket before I have to reverse the pattern . And I think I would like to try to knit socks . Does anyone ( if anyone reads this ) have any suggestions about good patterns to start with ? I know I don 't need any more projects gumming up the works right now , but I think Im ' ready for the sock challenge / bliss that I 've been reading about on various blogs . Job update : I got the raise I wanted yesterday . In true Prezzy fashion , I was called into her office at 4 : 15 yesterday afternoon , unannounced , for my " review " which was really nothing more than a salary review with the back office budget lady there as well . It made me uncomfortable , which is normal as Prezzy inspires that kind of dread , both to have it sprung on me like that and to not even have a private conversation about it . Not to mention not even having a moment to prepare myself or collect my thoughts , save for the time it took to walk from my cube to her office . But , I got what I wanted . It turns out to be a 15 % raise , and she made a big point of telling me that normal raises here are 3 % . When you make as little as I make , though , 15 % doesn 't seem all that much in actual dollars . However , it will be the push I need to feel more comfortable about my finances and getting rid of that last bit of credit card debt in under one year , if I commit the total raise to the card . But , this does raise some issues for me . I have an interview with another organization tomorrow . For a job that is a step up for me , a challenge , and sounds pretty interesting . I know I don 't have an offer yet and that I haven 't even been on the interview , but already I 'm Posted by I joined a blog ring today . Jess suggested a NYC knitters ring and I decided , hey , why not . I would like to meet knitters , as none of my friends do it , and it would be fun to knit with others . And , I would like to be a better blogger - I see this is a big push to blog more regularly . And if I 'm knitting more regularly , then I will have more to blog about . Updates ( the list is rather depressing , as nothing is finished ) : Baby blanket - still where I left it , though I have a December deadline for the delivery Blankie Shawl - into third skein , and will assess how much more I want to do after that is finished Legwarmers - these are from last winter , and I think I 'm going to rip them out and use the yarn for something else . I 'm just not into them anymore , though I still think they 'd be useful as I have big plans for making winter skirts Dress - still not finished , though I know it is ready to go I still want to make a sweater and I 'm thinking long and hard about what I want to do . I recently frogged an in - the - round poncho that I never wore and now have 13 balls of Sunshine . I think they would work into something very nice . . . I 'm still having the same retarded issues with my retarded job . Except now , my one treasured colleague , who regularly takes a bigger and meaner beating than I , told me that she is leaving . Well , she 's looking to leave . She can 't stand it any more , which I agree with . I don 't know how she does it . And she has amazing connections and has already been putting her good networking skills to use . I give her another week before she finds her dream position . But , once she 's gone , there is no buffer between me and the big bad evil gross nasty manipulative abusive Prezzy . I may as well hand in my resignation when she does . Things will only get worse for me . But where do I go ? What do I do ? Do I stay in the nonprofit world and hate the next job I take ? Or do I try and make a real effort to try something different , something in the private sector ? I am just so stumped here . So stumped . Anyone know a career counsePosted by

I hate math . I always have and I promise you I always will . When people start talking about math I stop listening . Math and I just never clicked . It started in third grade , I couldn 't keep up and the times tables and math facts and all of it , ugh . My father tried to help me . Teachers tried to help me . Friends tried to help me . Nothing worked . I was hopeless . Waaaa . I was in classes called " remedial math " in high school . Classes with kids that looked like they were from a scene out of Fast Times At Ridgemont High or like they would hang out with Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club . Even though I hated the math , I loved those kids . We were all really different , but we shared our utter lack of understanding of all things math . When I was 16 , I somehow made it into a Pre - Algebra class and the teacher said to me , " I give up , there is nothing I can do to make you get it . " That teacher was the head of the math department at my high school . That 's why when one of my kids wanted to participate in a math pentathlon , I said " of course ! Let 's do it ! " This past Saturday I found myself in a gymnasium full of 600 second and third graders and pushy parents and strict volunteers and math , so much god damn math . Five minutes after being in the room , I felt itchy and uncomfortable . I smiled down at JT and said " this is so great , right ? " and wished him luck . But inside I was thinking " oh buddy , this is my idea of hell . " My inner math - hating burnout was judging all the people and their oh - so - great math skills . I felt like I was back in the 80s hanging with Judd Nelson 's character in The Breakfast Club making fun of all the math nerds . Photo Source : click here As I was daydreaming about dancing around in the library with Judd and the gang , JT came back from one of his games and he was upset . He lost and he was about to cry . I took him under the bleachers and we talked it out . " I 'm so glad you care so much honey and that you want to do well , " I told him . " But this is a game and you are learning and it 's okay to lose . Math is hard kid , and you are here doing it and I think it 's incredible and amazing and it 's something I never could have done as a kid . You impress the heck out of me . Don 't give up , go back and try your best at the next game . " He nodded . We hugged . I gave him Pirate 's Booty Popcorn and water and then sent him on his way to his next game . I 'm so glad that he likes math and that he has the confidence to try things and go for it , even after he makes mistakes . I may not understand how to do his math homework , and yeah he 's only in the third grade , but I can help him with all the emotional / coping skills / what does it all mean , don 't give up ever kind of things . I hope JT loves math and is good at math . I hope all my kids are . However , if they show an utter disdain and complete inability to compute , I will accept them and show them love and support them and tell them they can still make it in this world . But I 'm not sure I 'm spending 18 gajillion hours at a math pentathlon ever again . * Earlier this week , JT mentioned something to me about going to watch him jump rope in gym class . His school had been a part of a campaign to raise money for the American Heart Association through asking for donations and jumping rope . He has been really into this , so I told him I would try to make it up to his school . Yesterday was JT 's jump rope extravaganza . For a minute , instead of going I thought about returning all the emails I needed to return or pitching more people to be sponsors for Listen To Your Mother or going for a run to clear my head . I thought it 's just jumping rope , it 's not a big deal . But at the last minute I decide to go , so I dragged Wade and we made our way to the elementary school gym to watch JT . It turned out to be a pretty great decision . JT was so happy to see us . The entire third grade was jumping rope all over the gym . They were laughing and having fun and being kids . It was great . Just when I thought the event was over , the gym teacher said there was a competition and he selected eight kids to compete in front of everyone . JT was one of those eight . I could tell he was nervous , he takes all competition very seriously . All the kids were cheering on their friends . It was so nice to hear the kids cheering JT 's name . You see , he 's the kind of kid that thrives on those cheers , needs those cheers . His love language is affirmation . He is a confident , certain kid when it comes to sports . He is uncertain and showing major signs of being insecure when it comes to school . And he worries about a lot . Being in the top eight in the jump rope competition was meaningful to him . Being in the top four and then the top two was exciting for him . Being the winner and having all of his third - grade buddies cheer him on and high - five him ? Oh man , that kind of affirmation will last a long time . My heart is bursting with love because of this kid . And gratitude . I 'm so happy that I got a chance to see him win the third grade jump rope competition . # itsthelittlethings # ilovemykids Watching him have his moment and knowing that it meant so much to him made my heart burst open with love . Then I thought about how I almost missed this because of emails or a run . My god ! What was wrong with me ? But I didn 't dwell on that thought because there 's no point in feeling guilty . Instead , I just felt grateful that I got to see that moment . There will be moments I will miss , and many I already have missed . There will be times when one of my four kids needs me to show up to more things . There will be times when they want me to and I can 't . There will be times . . . and it will all be okay . No guilt trips here , just gratitude . I am grateful for nice kids cheering my kid on . I am grateful for gym teachers that put so much energy into their jobs . I am grateful that I got to see JT beam with pride as he wore the winning cape . I know those things for sure this week . I also know that all competitions should give away capes as the prize . I mean , right ? I am obsessed with Empire . I saw all the buzz about the show , but didn 't start watching it until this past week and I looooooove it . It is a mash - up of Dallas and Fame . It is a soap - lovers dream . I am trying to get everyone , everywhere to dance in their kitchen . I got a chance to promote my dream and talk about why I dance in my kitchen on Bon Bon Break . Check it out . There are four weeks until Listen To Your Mother Metro Detroit - - it 's on April 26 , at 3 p . m . If you live in , near , around , within a short drive or plan ride away from Detroit , you should come to the show . Click here for details . Click here to just go ahead and buy yourself some tickets ! What do YOU know for sure this week ? Leave all your knowledge in the comments here or over on my Facebook page . And come play with me on Instagram - - @ jumpingwithmyfingerscrossed Posted by " You are exactly where you need to be , " the older woman told me . " I feel like I really am , " I told her smiling . She went on to tell me about seasonal shifts and time and mindfulness and feelings and embracing change and how we should stop using the words crazy and weird and be kind to one another . " Thank you , " I told her . Then she hugged me . That woman was a stranger , but she changed my life just a little bit . I just happened to walk into the small bookstore that she owned in Detroit . She told me things that I needed to hear , things that were in my heart that needed validation . Years ago I sat in an Olive Garden with my mother talking about how we will never understand each other . I was 16 and after a terrible fight with my mother , had been staying with friends . She was in her early 40s and was mad at me and the world . The Olive Garden was neutral ground . We sat across from each other trying to relate , trying to understand each other , trying to move on and trying to remember and forget at the same time . That one night stands out so clearly to me because somehow I knew we would never be able to do any of those things , ever . I talk a lot about getting older because , duh , I 'm getting older all the damn time . I also talk about my mother because here 's the thing , the older I get , the more I wish I had a mother . When I was 20 I was a badass who didn 't need anyone and I felt proud that I had survived my mother . I wanted to be on my own and make a life for myself , by myself . I worked hard , set boundaries , put up walls and didn 't take any crap from my mother or really anyone . And then I fell in love and got married and had kids , and got soft . Over the years , I 've tried to have a relationship with my mother . Even though not much has changed since the Olive Garden . I do have so much more compassion for my mother and what life and bad choices and bad wiring have done to her . But loving someone who struggles with addiction and mental illness is complicated and full of slippery slopes . Being vulnerable and open and hopeful and empathetic are not helpful traits . Sure some therapist might tell you that they are , but really it just sets you up for disappointment . At times having hope is like wearing a big target on your heart . My mother can bring me right back to that table in Olive Garden in an instant with hurtful words and accusations . Even though I know she is not rational , it hurts . The last time I spoke to my mother she said a lot of unkind things . Things that I 've heard so many times . Things like I 'm a horrible person and I don 't do anything right . That was a couple months ago . What 's funny is that I don 't even need to speak to her to hear those unkind things about me . It is the inner voice in my head and heart , full of insecurities and messages that yeah , she probably planted . But I take full responsibility for replaying those messages over and over . Especially when I 'm stressed or unsure . Like when I am planning a show and I 'm not sure I 'm good at it . Or when I 'm parenting and I 'm pretty certain I have no idea what I 'm doing . It 's my mother 's voice , it 's my voice , telling me I am horrible and can 't do anything right . Then I get angry and I say fuck that . Anger has always saved me and helped me move past all the shit that my mother put in my head growing up . But now love saves me too . The other day , I told a friend ( who is also a mother mentor ) that I was feeling a little anxious . She sent me this message : be brave , little buckaroo . you got this Yes , I am vulnerable and soft , but I am also open . I am open to the idea of filling the folder in my head labeled " Mothers " with advice and validation and moments and hugs and names and love from women who are my " mothers . " It 's the pharmacist who told me " things are going to be okay " when I went to pick up JT 's ADHD medication . I told her we were new to this diagnosis and just trying to figure everything out . She told me how " it was a long road " but that her son was on medication on and off and is now 35 and doing really well and has a job he likes . She cried , I cried . It was in the drive - thru at Walgreens , so we couldn 't hug , but it was another moment for the file . I find mothers everywhere . Yeah , I think I do got this , maybe . I hope so . With a little help from all my mothers , I 'm exactly where I 'm supposed to be . Spring has sprung , sort of . Last Friday , the sun was shining but it was only around 45 degrees . But so what , we live in Michigan , I put on my winter coat and got my bike out . I love spring because it leads to the season I love the most , summer . But change is hard , even good change . I struggle with change because I want control . I 'm really struggling right now because I have no control over anything ! ! ! ! ! Kids , bills , body fat , hormones , stress , dogs , money , wrinkles , jobs , no jobs , time , weather , ahhhhh . But there 's no time to overanalyze because our weekends are insanely busy . Here 's a video recap of our weekend in one minute and 30 seconds . Our whole life feels insanely busy . Practices and homework and work and meetings and lessons and bedtimes and routines . If I did take a minute to analyze it just a little bit , I would say one of the reasons that I love summer ( besides the warm weather and swimming and sunshine and no coats , hats or gloves ) is because there is no homework , fewer early mornings and I get to sort of control more of our lives . So , happy spring to all of us . Or should I say , happy one month closer to summer . Almost a year ago , I stepped onto a stage and told a story . I was scared at first , but then I fell in love . I fell in love with how that can - I - really - do - this ? kind of scared made me feel alive . I fell in love with the audience when they laughed at and with me . I fell in love with telling stories . I fell in love with being on stage . I was on stage telling my story at the very first Listen To Your Mother show in Detroit ( which I also co - produced / directed ) . We are in the midst of planning this year 's Listen To Your Mother in Detroit . This year , not only will I be telling a story , but I get to be the MC and have the great honor of introducing all of the storytellers . We have a cast of 13 ( including me ) people that will be scared and excited and taking the stage on April 26th . Being a part of this show has given me so many opportunities to be creative and learn new things and meet fascinating people . It 's given me the opportunity to be on stage and have these daydreams about being on more stages . I feel more alive and sort of like a kid again . Except I 'm not a kid , which isn 't a bad thing . At almost 41 , I am more confident and comfortable in my skin than when I was 21 . I mean I 've lived so much more life . I 've survived bad jobs , bad relationships , stupid decisions , a crazy mother , running a marathon , childbirth , being broke , losing people I loved and being totally rejected and . . . I 'm still here and pretty happy . Less things intimidate me now ( except for yoga , that still intimidates me ) . I know who I am and more of what I want . Time and sleep are way more valuable at almost 41 . I 'm ready to stop apologizing and start moving along . I am okay with setting boundaries and saying no and not letting toxic people back into my life . And not feeling guilty about it . Saying no is actually getting a lot easier . Saying yes to things and people and places I want to be is too . I am saying yes to dreams and creating new opportunities and reinvention and more stages . I read an article recently about how Phyllis Diller was 40 years old ( and had 4 or 5 kids ) when she started her career in comedy . They called her a late bloomer . Well , folks , I will be 41 in June and I am blooming . Who knows what will happen . . . . maybe I will Phyllis Diller the hell out of my stage time at LTYM and get discovered by some talent scout in the audience and I will tour the Midwest telling bad jokes . Or maybe not . But I know without a doubt , that I will be a part of an unbelievably powerful show where people get to get on stage and tell their stories and discover dreams that they maybe didn 't even know they had and awaken creative fires they didn 't even know were there . I haven 't been crafty lately . I haven 't really even been on Pinterest lately . Whaaaaat ? It kind of bums me out . I like making and creating and searching for pretty , colorful things . So the other day when Wade said " let 's make a craft , " I jumped on it . I searched for St . Patrick 's Day crafts on Pinterest and found lots of shamrocks and rainbows . We painted a few shamrocks and then decided to paint a giant rainbow . It was gray and cold outside , the perfect day to paint a giant rainbow . This week 's Pinterest Poser Challenge * is painting giant rainbows . * * My definition of a Pinterest Poser is someone who is all pins and no substance . We used brown paper that we bought at the Dollar Store . We set out the paint ( old , cheap paint we got at Michael 's a while ago ) and looked at a picture of rainbow so Wade knew what color to paint next . He sang " Let It Go " while he painted . As he painted and sang , my heart pounded with love and my head reminded me to enjoy this moment . Wade will be in kindergarten next year painting pictures with his classmates and teachers . Our spontaneous let 's - make - a - craft - and - go - check - out - Pinterest moments will be rare . Our moments alone together will be even more rare . " Wade , geez , " I scolded trying not get upset that he had spilled blue paint on all the other colors . Trying not to get upset that he had ruined our giant rainbow . But then my head and my heart reminded me to let it go and be right there in that moment with my youngest child . " That 's okay pal , " I told him . " It just makes it more colorful . " We had a glorious time painting and singing and spilling paint the rest of that afternoon . We painted more giant rainbows and little rainbows and I 'm so glad that we did . Just like that old song about dancing . . . " if you get the choice to sit it out or dance , I hope you dance , " well my advice is if you get the chance / choice to paint giant imperfect messy rainbows , I hope you paint the rainbows . Maybe that 's the real Pinterest Poser Challenge for all of us , to make stuff and not care if it 's all messed up . To enjoy the process and who we are making the stuff with , even if it is by ourselves . To not only be in the moment but embrace the hell out of the moment . To be thankful and colorful and loud and messy and original . And maybe I 'm not just talking about crafts . So yeah , go out and paint the rainbows , spill the paint , add more color , make more messes and memories and feel the love . This past weekend was warmish and super busy . Friday night it was 48 degrees , so duh , we walked to Dairy Queen and got ice cream . Then there were basketball games and skateboarding and pizza and more ice cream and dog walking and visiting and staying up late and typical busy weekend stuff . And then on Sunday , I went into Detroit for the first Listen To Your Mother Metro Detroit table read / rehearsal . It was on the second floor of Whole Foods in Midtown Detroit . It was beyond cool to look down on the busy market and hear all the inspiring stories from our new cast . It was such an alive kind of feeling , electric really . Being so busy and so distracted by stories and ice cream , I thought it would be fun to do something a little different on my blog . Today I 'm kicking it old school and linking up for a little Old School Blogging fun . I 'm answering questions and linking up with Elaine from The Miss Elaine - ous Life and Julia from Wine In Mom . Let the Old School Blogging begin . . . Um , my own . Yeah , that 's right , I would be on my own . But in case I never get one , I would choose to be on The Real Housewives of somewhere . I believe I could hold my own and have a little fun with the ladies . One time a few years ago , I even made up a few intros I could use , just in case . I have two boxes of things I 've saved from my childhood and have moved with me roughly 259 times . I have old spoons that I collected , piggy banks , journals and two stuffed animals , including Fluffy . Fluffy is a bear that isn 't very fluffy and never really was . I got him when I was in a very bad car accident when I was five years old and I slept with him every night until I went to college . If your life had a theme song what would it be ? I love music and I have a lot of different songs that I think would fit . One song that I think really feels right to be my overall life theme song . . . . maybe Ani DiFranco 's " Joyful Girl . " Because through it all , I really am joyful . I choose joy , I choose the silver lining , even when it 's really hard to see . Either a big city or a beach . I love getting lost in a crowd in the big city and the people watching and the humanity of a big city . I also love getting lost in the vastness of the ocean and the sound of the waves and the mystery of it all . I live for the summer road trip - - the freedom of the open road is heaven to me . I love to stop at the funky places that look like they are fake but they are real . One of my favorite places to go every summer is a place called GunTown Mountain in Kentucky . Over the past few years , we got to know the woman that owned the general store there , Della . When she sold the place I wished that Tim and I could have bought it and run it . That 's my real dream ! Right now , boots . When the weather warms up it will be flip flops . I 'm not really a shoe shopper . I like shoes , but I just don 't spend a lot of money on them . And I get attached to favorites . My sister basically forced me to throw away my old boots because I was wearing them even though they had holes in the bottom of them . I loved those boots so much . This is old school because it 's random and fun and get to know you kind of blogging . Love it . Now go check out the other fun on Elaine and Julia 's blogs . Life feels blurry right now . Blurry and busy . I feel like we are racing from one thing to another all . the . time . I feel like I am trying so hard to make it to the games to see the moments , catch the plays , cheer them on , cheer them up and just BE there . It 's not bad , just busy and exhausting . I 'm so happy that all the kids are involved in stuff . I just have a hard time keeping up with all the stuff . I like having time to play and relax and explore and dance and be a hippie and go on road trips and paint and ahhhhh . We could do all of that more when all the kids were babies because well , they had no choice ( ha ! ) . This was a text message I sent Tim this past week telling him that I needed summer and all the things I love so much . I was in a very emoji mood . I don 't think there is any better way to describe who I am than that emoji text I sent Tim . LOL ! It 's all sort of about me letting go and letting my kids have their own interests and their own lives . It 's also about trying to balance getting them to all their interests and still having time for my own . It 's about being a cliche , the taxi mom driving a minivan . It 's about having four kids and even if they only do one activity after school that 's four different places we need to be . It 's about the ebbs and flows in life , I know this is a particularly busy , hectic time . I know it won 't last , but it will go fast . So , I nap in the car and email messages about my storytelling show from my phone while I wait for the kids to get out of a practice . I drive around with the sun shining on my face pretending we are on a road trip and that it 's summertime . I make it to the games , I race around , I get there , I cheer them on and I cheer them up because I love them . It 's exhausting and I may not agree with year - round baseball on principle , but I show up ( maybe not on time but you know . . . ) because I know for sure that supporting my kids and my family and making sure they know that I love them is exactly where I want to be . Giving advice to my younger self helped me be more empathetic to my own tweens / teens . In honor or International Women 's Day , I made a video giving my younger self advice . Check it out . ( And then subscribe to my YouTube channel , I 'm only 2 people away from 100 ! ) Brothers are awesome . I love that all my boys get along even though they are so different and so varied in age . I found them all in my room watching basketball ( and Peyton was trying to do homework ) . I LOVE Madonna ( and her new album ) even if she hates my town . I posted a review of it the day after she went on Howard Stern 's show saying my town ( her old hometown ) was basically full of stupid people . HA ! But I dont ' care , I love her and her music . Honestly , I think she doesn 't like her hometown because she didn 't fit in and it was full of bad memories . I get it . I feel the same way about my hometown . . . it 's not the town or the people , it 's what went down with my family and the bad memories . Click here to read my review . Madonna 's 13th studio album Rebel Heart is her best since Music . When I got the opportunity to review Madonna 's new album Rebel Heart I jumped at the chance . Because I love Madonna . Her music has been the soundtrack to my life - my girlhood / womanhood / motherhood / personhood . She inspired ( s ) me . When I was a kid I remember wishing I could dress like her and would sing " Dress You Up In My Love " over and over and over , and over . She was bold and brave and sort of dangerous . She was a Midwestern girl with a complicated family , mother issues , father issues , and big dreams of being somebody and proving everyone wrong . Um , I could relate . Over the years , her music got bolder and she pushed limits and boundaries , and in my own way , I was too . The thing that I always admired and related to about Madonna and her music is the way she portrayed such toughness and tenderness . She 's both I don 't need anyone ever and all I ever want is someone to love me . She has always straddled the hate / love , strong / vulnerable in life in a way that I completely relate to . Songs like " Veni Vidi Vici " which features Nas , are a look back at Madonna 's songs / life . Nas says " life is so crazy , you 've been through a lot , you ought to tell your story sometime . " And I 'm so glad she does . " Living For Love " is a great song . It is catchy and very danceable . " Iconic " is one of my favorite songs and it features Chance The Rapper and even Mike Tyson . Yup , Mike Tyson . " Bitch I 'm Madonna " is a fun song that I would put on to get ready to go out , I mean if I ever did things like that . Of course Madonna has a few very raunchy songs about sex . It wouldn 't feel like a Madonna album without those . She sings / says some pretty shocking stuff in " Holy Water " and it 's pretty fabulous . This whole album incorporates where she 's been and how she is okay with how it shaped who she is today . Once again , I find myself nodding my head and saying " yes , Madonna ! " At 40 , I 'm feeling reflective . My children are getting older , I 'm getting older , even Madonna is getting older . I 've said good - bye to toxic relationships , had unbelievable experiences , traveled , gotten jobs , lost jobs , made bad choices , made good choices and it all shaped who I am today . And just like when I was a kid , I 'm singing along with Madonna . I 'm singing , " Hell yeah , this is me , right where I 'm supposed to be ! " ( from the song " Rebel Heart " ) . In a strange twist of fate , I find myself living in the same town where Madonna grew up . I relate to things she has said about growing up here in Midwestern conservative suburban land . I relate to maybe not fitting in and trying to find my place . The music helps . Watching Madonna be a bad ass , loving , strong mother and performer helps . She is still inspiring me with her music and her life . You better believe I will be blasting Rebel Heart from my minivan as I drive around my small Michigan town . I can be a bad ass , loving , strong mother too because I 'm living for love . I didn 't go to a Madonna concert until I had three of my kids and lived in Metro Detroit . Now I 've been to two shows and hope to go to her Rebel Heart Concert . Click here for a list of cities where she will be stopping . If you are a Madonna fan , you should follow her on Instagram , she posts some great stuff . Click here instagram . com / Madonna . She 's going on tour later this year , check her web site for more information Madonna . com . Order Madonna 's new ablum here on iTunes : http : / / bit . ly / REBELHEART

I hate math . I always have and I promise you I always will . When people start talking about math I stop listening . Math and I just never clicked . It started in third grade , I couldn 't keep up and the times tables and math facts and all of it , ugh . My father tried to help me . Teachers tried to help me . Friends tried to help me . Nothing worked . I was hopeless . Waaaa . I was in classes called " remedial math " in high school . Classes with kids that looked like they were from a scene out of Fast Times At Ridgemont High or like they would hang out with Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club . Even though I hated the math , I loved those kids . We were all really different , but we shared our utter lack of understanding of all things math . When I was 16 , I somehow made it into a Pre - Algebra class and the teacher said to me , " I give up , there is nothing I can do to make you get it . " That teacher was the head of the math department at my high school . That 's why when one of my kids wanted to participate in a math pentathlon , I said " of course ! Let 's do it ! " This past Saturday I found myself in a gymnasium full of 600 second and third graders and pushy parents and strict volunteers and math , so much god damn math . Five minutes after being in the room , I felt itchy and uncomfortable . I smiled down at JT and said " this is so great , right ? " and wished him luck . But inside I was thinking " oh buddy , this is my idea of hell . " My inner math - hating burnout was judging all the people and their oh - so - great math skills . I felt like I was back in the 80s hanging with Judd Nelson 's character in The Breakfast Club making fun of all the math nerds . Photo Source : click here As I was daydreaming about dancing around in the library with Judd and the gang , JT came back from one of his games and he was upset . He lost and he was about to cry . I took him under the bleachers and we talked it out . " I 'm so glad you care so much honey and that you want to do well , " I told him . " But this is a game and you are learning and it 's okay to lose . Math is hard kid , and you are here doing it and I think it 's incredible and amazing and it 's something I never could have done as a kid . You impress the heck out of me . Don 't give up , go back and try your best at the next game . " He nodded . We hugged . I gave him Pirate 's Booty Popcorn and water and then sent him on his way to his next game . I 'm so glad that he likes math and that he has the confidence to try things and go for it , even after he makes mistakes . I may not understand how to do his math homework , and yeah he 's only in the third grade , but I can help him with all the emotional / coping skills / what does it all mean , don 't give up ever kind of things . I hope JT loves math and is good at math . I hope all my kids are . However , if they show an utter disdain and complete inability to compute , I will accept them and show them love and support them and tell them they can still make it in this world . But I 'm not sure I 'm spending 18 gajillion hours at a math pentathlon ever again . * Earlier this week , JT mentioned something to me about going to watch him jump rope in gym class . His school had been a part of a campaign to raise money for the American Heart Association through asking for donations and jumping rope . He has been really into this , so I told him I would try to make it up to his school . Yesterday was JT 's jump rope extravaganza . For a minute , instead of going I thought about returning all the emails I needed to return or pitching more people to be sponsors for Listen To Your Mother or going for a run to clear my head . I thought it 's just jumping rope , it 's not a big deal . But at the last minute I decide to go , so I dragged Wade and we made our way to the elementary school gym to watch JT . It turned out to be a pretty great decision . JT was so happy to see us . The entire third grade was jumping rope all over the gym . They were laughing and having fun and being kids . It was great . Just when I thought the event was over , the gym teacher said there was a competition and he selected eight kids to compete in front of everyone . JT was one of those eight . I could tell he was nervous , he takes all competition very seriously . All the kids were cheering on their friends . It was so nice to hear the kids cheering JT 's name . You see , he 's the kind of kid that thrives on those cheers , needs those cheers . His love language is affirmation . He is a confident , certain kid when it comes to sports . He is uncertain and showing major signs of being insecure when it comes to school . And he worries about a lot . Being in the top eight in the jump rope competition was meaningful to him . Being in the top four and then the top two was exciting for him . Being the winner and having all of his third - grade buddies cheer him on and high - five him ? Oh man , that kind of affirmation will last a long time . My heart is bursting with love because of this kid . And gratitude . I 'm so happy that I got a chance to see him win the third grade jump rope competition . # itsthelittlethings # ilovemykids Watching him have his moment and knowing that it meant so much to him made my heart burst open with love . Then I thought about how I almost missed this because of emails or a run . My god ! What was wrong with me ? But I didn 't dwell on that thought because there 's no point in feeling guilty . Instead , I just felt grateful that I got to see that moment . There will be moments I will miss , and many I already have missed . There will be times when one of my four kids needs me to show up to more things . There will be times when they want me to and I can 't . There will be times . . . and it will all be okay . No guilt trips here , just gratitude . I am grateful for nice kids cheering my kid on . I am grateful for gym teachers that put so much energy into their jobs . I am grateful that I got to see JT beam with pride as he wore the winning cape . I know those things for sure this week . I also know that all competitions should give away capes as the prize . I mean , right ? I am obsessed with Empire . I saw all the buzz about the show , but didn 't start watching it until this past week and I looooooove it . It is a mash - up of Dallas and Fame . It is a soap - lovers dream . I am trying to get everyone , everywhere to dance in their kitchen . I got a chance to promote my dream and talk about why I dance in my kitchen on Bon Bon Break . Check it out . There are four weeks until Listen To Your Mother Metro Detroit - - it 's on April 26 , at 3 p . m . If you live in , near , around , within a short drive or plan ride away from Detroit , you should come to the show . Click here for details . Click here to just go ahead and buy yourself some tickets ! What do YOU know for sure this week ? Leave all your knowledge in the comments here or over on my Facebook page . And come play with me on Instagram - - @ jumpingwithmyfingerscrossed Posted by " You are exactly where you need to be , " the older woman told me . " I feel like I really am , " I told her smiling . She went on to tell me about seasonal shifts and time and mindfulness and feelings and embracing change and how we should stop using the words crazy and weird and be kind to one another . " Thank you , " I told her . Then she hugged me . That woman was a stranger , but she changed my life just a little bit . I just happened to walk into the small bookstore that she owned in Detroit . She told me things that I needed to hear , things that were in my heart that needed validation . Years ago I sat in an Olive Garden with my mother talking about how we will never understand each other . I was 16 and after a terrible fight with my mother , had been staying with friends . She was in her early 40s and was mad at me and the world . The Olive Garden was neutral ground . We sat across from each other trying to relate , trying to understand each other , trying to move on and trying to remember and forget at the same time . That one night stands out so clearly to me because somehow I knew we would never be able to do any of those things , ever . I talk a lot about getting older because , duh , I 'm getting older all the damn time . I also talk about my mother because here 's the thing , the older I get , the more I wish I had a mother . When I was 20 I was a badass who didn 't need anyone and I felt proud that I had survived my mother . I wanted to be on my own and make a life for myself , by myself . I worked hard , set boundaries , put up walls and didn 't take any crap from my mother or really anyone . And then I fell in love and got married and had kids , and got soft . Over the years , I 've tried to have a relationship with my mother . Even though not much has changed since the Olive Garden . I do have so much more compassion for my mother and what life and bad choices and bad wiring have done to her . But loving someone who struggles with addiction and mental illness is complicated and full of slippery slopes . Being vulnerable and open and hopeful and empathetic are not helpful traits . Sure some therapist might tell you that they are , but really it just sets you up for disappointment . At times having hope is like wearing a big target on your heart . My mother can bring me right back to that table in Olive Garden in an instant with hurtful words and accusations . Even though I know she is not rational , it hurts . The last time I spoke to my mother she said a lot of unkind things . Things that I 've heard so many times . Things like I 'm a horrible person and I don 't do anything right . That was a couple months ago . What 's funny is that I don 't even need to speak to her to hear those unkind things about me . It is the inner voice in my head and heart , full of insecurities and messages that yeah , she probably planted . But I take full responsibility for replaying those messages over and over . Especially when I 'm stressed or unsure . Like when I am planning a show and I 'm not sure I 'm good at it . Or when I 'm parenting and I 'm pretty certain I have no idea what I 'm doing . It 's my mother 's voice , it 's my voice , telling me I am horrible and can 't do anything right . Then I get angry and I say fuck that . Anger has always saved me and helped me move past all the shit that my mother put in my head growing up . But now love saves me too . The other day , I told a friend ( who is also a mother mentor ) that I was feeling a little anxious . She sent me this message : be brave , little buckaroo . you got this Yes , I am vulnerable and soft , but I am also open . I am open to the idea of filling the folder in my head labeled " Mothers " with advice and validation and moments and hugs and names and love from women who are my " mothers . " It 's the pharmacist who told me " things are going to be okay " when I went to pick up JT 's ADHD medication . I told her we were new to this diagnosis and just trying to figure everything out . She told me how " it was a long road " but that her son was on medication on and off and is now 35 and doing really well and has a job he likes . She cried , I cried . It was in the drive - thru at Walgreens , so we couldn 't hug , but it was another moment for the file . I find mothers everywhere . Yeah , I think I do got this , maybe . I hope so . With a little help from all my mothers , I 'm exactly where I 'm supposed to be . Spring has sprung , sort of . Last Friday , the sun was shining but it was only around 45 degrees . But so what , we live in Michigan , I put on my winter coat and got my bike out . I love spring because it leads to the season I love the most , summer . But change is hard , even good change . I struggle with change because I want control . I 'm really struggling right now because I have no control over anything ! ! ! ! ! Kids , bills , body fat , hormones , stress , dogs , money , wrinkles , jobs , no jobs , time , weather , ahhhhh . But there 's no time to overanalyze because our weekends are insanely busy . Here 's a video recap of our weekend in one minute and 30 seconds . Our whole life feels insanely busy . Practices and homework and work and meetings and lessons and bedtimes and routines . If I did take a minute to analyze it just a little bit , I would say one of the reasons that I love summer ( besides the warm weather and swimming and sunshine and no coats , hats or gloves ) is because there is no homework , fewer early mornings and I get to sort of control more of our lives . So , happy spring to all of us . Or should I say , happy one month closer to summer . Almost a year ago , I stepped onto a stage and told a story . I was scared at first , but then I fell in love . I fell in love with how that can - I - really - do - this ? kind of scared made me feel alive . I fell in love with the audience when they laughed at and with me . I fell in love with telling stories . I fell in love with being on stage . I was on stage telling my story at the very first Listen To Your Mother show in Detroit ( which I also co - produced / directed ) . We are in the midst of planning this year 's Listen To Your Mother in Detroit . This year , not only will I be telling a story , but I get to be the MC and have the great honor of introducing all of the storytellers . We have a cast of 13 ( including me ) people that will be scared and excited and taking the stage on April 26th . Being a part of this show has given me so many opportunities to be creative and learn new things and meet fascinating people . It 's given me the opportunity to be on stage and have these daydreams about being on more stages . I feel more alive and sort of like a kid again . Except I 'm not a kid , which isn 't a bad thing . At almost 41 , I am more confident and comfortable in my skin than when I was 21 . I mean I 've lived so much more life . I 've survived bad jobs , bad relationships , stupid decisions , a crazy mother , running a marathon , childbirth , being broke , losing people I loved and being totally rejected and . . . I 'm still here and pretty happy . Less things intimidate me now ( except for yoga , that still intimidates me ) . I know who I am and more of what I want . Time and sleep are way more valuable at almost 41 . I 'm ready to stop apologizing and start moving along . I am okay with setting boundaries and saying no and not letting toxic people back into my life . And not feeling guilty about it . Saying no is actually getting a lot easier . Saying yes to things and people and places I want to be is too . I am saying yes to dreams and creating new opportunities and reinvention and more stages . I read an article recently about how Phyllis Diller was 40 years old ( and had 4 or 5 kids ) when she started her career in comedy . They called her a late bloomer . Well , folks , I will be 41 in June and I am blooming . Who knows what will happen . . . . maybe I will Phyllis Diller the hell out of my stage time at LTYM and get discovered by some talent scout in the audience and I will tour the Midwest telling bad jokes . Or maybe not . But I know without a doubt , that I will be a part of an unbelievably powerful show where people get to get on stage and tell their stories and discover dreams that they maybe didn 't even know they had and awaken creative fires they didn 't even know were there . I haven 't been crafty lately . I haven 't really even been on Pinterest lately . Whaaaaat ? It kind of bums me out . I like making and creating and searching for pretty , colorful things . So the other day when Wade said " let 's make a craft , " I jumped on it . I searched for St . Patrick 's Day crafts on Pinterest and found lots of shamrocks and rainbows . We painted a few shamrocks and then decided to paint a giant rainbow . It was gray and cold outside , the perfect day to paint a giant rainbow . This week 's Pinterest Poser Challenge * is painting giant rainbows . * * My definition of a Pinterest Poser is someone who is all pins and no substance . We used brown paper that we bought at the Dollar Store . We set out the paint ( old , cheap paint we got at Michael 's a while ago ) and looked at a picture of rainbow so Wade knew what color to paint next . He sang " Let It Go " while he painted . As he painted and sang , my heart pounded with love and my head reminded me to enjoy this moment . Wade will be in kindergarten next year painting pictures with his classmates and teachers . Our spontaneous let 's - make - a - craft - and - go - check - out - Pinterest moments will be rare . Our moments alone together will be even more rare . " Wade , geez , " I scolded trying not get upset that he had spilled blue paint on all the other colors . Trying not to get upset that he had ruined our giant rainbow . But then my head and my heart reminded me to let it go and be right there in that moment with my youngest child . " That 's okay pal , " I told him . " It just makes it more colorful . " We had a glorious time painting and singing and spilling paint the rest of that afternoon . We painted more giant rainbows and little rainbows and I 'm so glad that we did . Just like that old song about dancing . . . " if you get the choice to sit it out or dance , I hope you dance , " well my advice is if you get the chance / choice to paint giant imperfect messy rainbows , I hope you paint the rainbows . Maybe that 's the real Pinterest Poser Challenge for all of us , to make stuff and not care if it 's all messed up . To enjoy the process and who we are making the stuff with , even if it is by ourselves . To not only be in the moment but embrace the hell out of the moment . To be thankful and colorful and loud and messy and original . And maybe I 'm not just talking about crafts . So yeah , go out and paint the rainbows , spill the paint , add more color , make more messes and memories and feel the love . This past weekend was warmish and super busy . Friday night it was 48 degrees , so duh , we walked to Dairy Queen and got ice cream . Then there were basketball games and skateboarding and pizza and more ice cream and dog walking and visiting and staying up late and typical busy weekend stuff . And then on Sunday , I went into Detroit for the first Listen To Your Mother Metro Detroit table read / rehearsal . It was on the second floor of Whole Foods in Midtown Detroit . It was beyond cool to look down on the busy market and hear all the inspiring stories from our new cast . It was such an alive kind of feeling , electric really . Being so busy and so distracted by stories and ice cream , I thought it would be fun to do something a little different on my blog . Today I 'm kicking it old school and linking up for a little Old School Blogging fun . I 'm answering questions and linking up with Elaine from The Miss Elaine - ous Life and Julia from Wine In Mom . Let the Old School Blogging begin . . . Um , my own . Yeah , that 's right , I would be on my own . But in case I never get one , I would choose to be on The Real Housewives of somewhere . I believe I could hold my own and have a little fun with the ladies . One time a few years ago , I even made up a few intros I could use , just in case . I have two boxes of things I 've saved from my childhood and have moved with me roughly 259 times . I have old spoons that I collected , piggy banks , journals and two stuffed animals , including Fluffy . Fluffy is a bear that isn 't very fluffy and never really was . I got him when I was in a very bad car accident when I was five years old and I slept with him every night until I went to college . If your life had a theme song what would it be ? I love music and I have a lot of different songs that I think would fit . One song that I think really feels right to be my overall life theme song . . . . maybe Ani DiFranco 's " Joyful Girl . " Because through it all , I really am joyful . I choose joy , I choose the silver lining , even when it 's really hard to see . Either a big city or a beach . I love getting lost in a crowd in the big city and the people watching and the humanity of a big city . I also love getting lost in the vastness of the ocean and the sound of the waves and the mystery of it all . I live for the summer road trip - - the freedom of the open road is heaven to me . I love to stop at the funky places that look like they are fake but they are real . One of my favorite places to go every summer is a place called GunTown Mountain in Kentucky . Over the past few years , we got to know the woman that owned the general store there , Della . When she sold the place I wished that Tim and I could have bought it and run it . That 's my real dream ! Right now , boots . When the weather warms up it will be flip flops . I 'm not really a shoe shopper . I like shoes , but I just don 't spend a lot of money on them . And I get attached to favorites . My sister basically forced me to throw away my old boots because I was wearing them even though they had holes in the bottom of them . I loved those boots so much . This is old school because it 's random and fun and get to know you kind of blogging . Love it . Now go check out the other fun on Elaine and Julia 's blogs . Life feels blurry right now . Blurry and busy . I feel like we are racing from one thing to another all . the . time . I feel like I am trying so hard to make it to the games to see the moments , catch the plays , cheer them on , cheer them up and just BE there . It 's not bad , just busy and exhausting . I 'm so happy that all the kids are involved in stuff . I just have a hard time keeping up with all the stuff . I like having time to play and relax and explore and dance and be a hippie and go on road trips and paint and ahhhhh . We could do all of that more when all the kids were babies because well , they had no choice ( ha ! ) . This was a text message I sent Tim this past week telling him that I needed summer and all the things I love so much . I was in a very emoji mood . I don 't think there is any better way to describe who I am than that emoji text I sent Tim . LOL ! It 's all sort of about me letting go and letting my kids have their own interests and their own lives . It 's also about trying to balance getting them to all their interests and still having time for my own . It 's about being a cliche , the taxi mom driving a minivan . It 's about having four kids and even if they only do one activity after school that 's four different places we need to be . It 's about the ebbs and flows in life , I know this is a particularly busy , hectic time . I know it won 't last , but it will go fast . So , I nap in the car and email messages about my storytelling show from my phone while I wait for the kids to get out of a practice . I drive around with the sun shining on my face pretending we are on a road trip and that it 's summertime . I make it to the games , I race around , I get there , I cheer them on and I cheer them up because I love them . It 's exhausting and I may not agree with year - round baseball on principle , but I show up ( maybe not on time but you know . . . ) because I know for sure that supporting my kids and my family and making sure they know that I love them is exactly where I want to be . Giving advice to my younger self helped me be more empathetic to my own tweens / teens . In honor or International Women 's Day , I made a video giving my younger self advice . Check it out . ( And then subscribe to my YouTube channel , I 'm only 2 people away from 100 ! ) Brothers are awesome . I love that all my boys get along even though they are so different and so varied in age . I found them all in my room watching basketball ( and Peyton was trying to do homework ) . I LOVE Madonna ( and her new album ) even if she hates my town . I posted a review of it the day after she went on Howard Stern 's show saying my town ( her old hometown ) was basically full of stupid people . HA ! But I dont ' care , I love her and her music . Honestly , I think she doesn 't like her hometown because she didn 't fit in and it was full of bad memories . I get it . I feel the same way about my hometown . . . it 's not the town or the people , it 's what went down with my family and the bad memories . Click here to read my review . Madonna 's 13th studio album Rebel Heart is her best since Music . When I got the opportunity to review Madonna 's new album Rebel Heart I jumped at the chance . Because I love Madonna . Her music has been the soundtrack to my life - my girlhood / womanhood / motherhood / personhood . She inspired ( s ) me . When I was a kid I remember wishing I could dress like her and would sing " Dress You Up In My Love " over and over and over , and over . She was bold and brave and sort of dangerous . She was a Midwestern girl with a complicated family , mother issues , father issues , and big dreams of being somebody and proving everyone wrong . Um , I could relate . Over the years , her music got bolder and she pushed limits and boundaries , and in my own way , I was too . The thing that I always admired and related to about Madonna and her music is the way she portrayed such toughness and tenderness . She 's both I don 't need anyone ever and all I ever want is someone to love me . She has always straddled the hate / love , strong / vulnerable in life in a way that I completely relate to . Songs like " Veni Vidi Vici " which features Nas , are a look back at Madonna 's songs / life . Nas says " life is so crazy , you 've been through a lot , you ought to tell your story sometime . " And I 'm so glad she does . " Living For Love " is a great song . It is catchy and very danceable . " Iconic " is one of my favorite songs and it features Chance The Rapper and even Mike Tyson . Yup , Mike Tyson . " Bitch I 'm Madonna " is a fun song that I would put on to get ready to go out , I mean if I ever did things like that . Of course Madonna has a few very raunchy songs about sex . It wouldn 't feel like a Madonna album without those . She sings / says some pretty shocking stuff in " Holy Water " and it 's pretty fabulous . This whole album incorporates where she 's been and how she is okay with how it shaped who she is today . Once again , I find myself nodding my head and saying " yes , Madonna ! " At 40 , I 'm feeling reflective . My children are getting older , I 'm getting older , even Madonna is getting older . I 've said good - bye to toxic relationships , had unbelievable experiences , traveled , gotten jobs , lost jobs , made bad choices , made good choices and it all shaped who I am today . And just like when I was a kid , I 'm singing along with Madonna . I 'm singing , " Hell yeah , this is me , right where I 'm supposed to be ! " ( from the song " Rebel Heart " ) . In a strange twist of fate , I find myself living in the same town where Madonna grew up . I relate to things she has said about growing up here in Midwestern conservative suburban land . I relate to maybe not fitting in and trying to find my place . The music helps . Watching Madonna be a bad ass , loving , strong mother and performer helps . She is still inspiring me with her music and her life . You better believe I will be blasting Rebel Heart from my minivan as I drive around my small Michigan town . I can be a bad ass , loving , strong mother too because I 'm living for love . I didn 't go to a Madonna concert until I had three of my kids and lived in Metro Detroit . Now I 've been to two shows and hope to go to her Rebel Heart Concert . Click here for a list of cities where she will be stopping . If you are a Madonna fan , you should follow her on Instagram , she posts some great stuff . Click here instagram . com / Madonna . She 's going on tour later this year , check her web site for more information Madonna . com . Order Madonna 's new ablum here on iTunes : http : / / bit . ly / REBELHEART

They had just left . Mark and Mary . With a few words , I was suddenly horrified to discover I didn 't choose to be their … slut . My entire world was crumbling as I realized for the last three weeks of my life I had been a different person , a plaything for Mark and Mary . Someone to satiate their lusts and cook them food . I had always thought of myself as a strong , independent woman , not easily cowed or swayed . And yet , Mark says one word and I begged to be his whore . I shivered in disgust . " What good would that do ? " Lillian demanded . " Master controls the police . Just be a good girl and calm down . You 're one of their chosen women , I don 't see what you 're all worked up about ? " Lillian 's pale face flushed with color and she screeched as she leapt at the strawberry - blonde Fiona . Noel grabbed Lillian and threw her back , standing between the two women . Fiona gave a snarl and fled the room . Alison caught my eyes and pointed upstairs . I nodded and we slipped out as Noel and Lillian started shouting at each other . I sighed in relief as I closed the door to our bedroom . It hit me then . This was my house , and I was forced to stay in the guest bedroom . Mark and Mary stole my bedroom when they stole the house from Brandon and myself . Tears started welling up in my eyes as the full enormity of what had happened crashed into me . My heart quickened in my breast . Alison had this nympho act . Well , maybe it wasn 't an act , but underneath she was a sweet , loving girl . I felt relief sweep through me as I held her . I loved Alison , not because Mark or Mary made me , but because I really loved her . I wrapped my arms around her , holding mi Sirenita , my little mermaid , to me . I found her full lips and kissed her , tasting the watermelon lip gloss she wore . When I broke the kiss , Alison 's brown eyes shined with love . I stroked her face , ran my hands through her bubblegum - pink hair . It was a shame she dyed it . Alison showed me a picture of her a year ago and she had the most beautiful , honey - brown hair . Alison 's left hand grabbed mine , the diamond engagement ring sparkling on her finger . When I saw the ring I just knew it was perfect , two mermaids were engraved on the band , their arms were the mount for the diamond . Alison brought my hand down to her bodice . We were both wearing the disgusting maid outfits that Mark liked us to wear . Outfits with transparent bodices that exposed our breasts and skirts so short that when we bent over our butts and vaginas were exposed . It was just obscene . Alison took my hand and shoved it down her bodice . I could feel her full breast and the silver barbell that pierced her nipple . " Do you still love me ? " Alison asked as I fondled her breast . Somehow , this beautiful creature had captured my heart . Maybe it was the fact we were thrown together and forced to share a bed , maybe I was always attracted to women , deep down inside me . Maybe she was my soulmate . I didn 't know . All I knew is that I 've never felt anything for another person like I do for her . Well , that wasn 't true . I felt this way to Mark and Mary before they freed me from their spell . But , this was real . I gave her breast a nice squeeze . Alison deftly maneuvered me to the bed as we kissed and pushed me down to sit on the mattress ; I was breathing heavily as she quickly shrugged off the maid 's outfit , revealing all her naked beauty . She was young , only seventeen , and had the perky curves of a teenager . Her skin was pale and beautiful and soft as silk . Her pussy was shaved and she had tattooed , " Cum on in , " with an arrow that pointed down to her pussy . I grabbed her hips and pulled her to me , kissing her flat belly . I slipped off the bed so I was kneeling before her , my face inches from her tight pussy . Her clit was hard , peaking out of its hood , and I could smell her honey . Her thighs parted eagerly for my lips and I licked up her slit . I could feel her body tremble with pleasure as my tongue caressed her . I spread open her clam , and licked around her pink , wrinkled labia , gathering a tongue - full of her sweet honey . I sucked her labia into my mouth , enjoying the feel of her intimate flesh on my lips before I kissed higher up to her clitoris . I swirled my tongue around her little pearl and Alison gave a sharp intake of pleasure . Alison laughed and then moaned as I dived back into her delicious pussy . I decided to follow her tattoo 's instructions and shoved two fingers up inside her hungry clam . Alison 's fingers were digging into my hair as I slowly fucked them in and out . I went back to nibbling on her clit , ever so gently . Her hips were starting to rotate , grinding her sweet clam on my lips as her pleasure mounted inside her . " Umm , yes ! Oh yes ! " she purred in delight . " Just keep playing with my button ! Umm , yes , right there ! Oh , fuck ! Desiree ! I 'm cumming ! Oh , my Latin beauty ! " My mouth was rewarded with some fresh juices as Alison creamed my lips . Her body shook on my lips as a nice orgasm spread through her . I kept eating her out , wanting to give mi Sirenita another cum . I pumped my fingers in and out of her faster , bent them just so , and found her G - spot . She bucked on my face as a second , stronger orgasm swept through her . I looked up at her , my face sticky with her juices as she smiled happily back down at me . I stood up and she kissed me , her tongue lapping up her juices . Her fingers were behind me , finding the outfit 's zipper and suddenly the disgusting maid outfit was falling off my lush curves . Alison smiled , staring lustily at my large , nut - brown breasts . She reached out , hefting one of my melons , squeezing it with her hand , then bent down and swirled her pierced tongue about my hard nipple . I moaned in delight , enjoying the feel of her metal stud against my nub . I stretched out on our bed and watched Alison 's ass as she bent down to root in our dresser . Her tight , wet slit was on display between her slim thighs , swollen and flushed from her orgasms . She found the strap - on , pulling the clear , plastic harness up her legs . A hot - pink dildo was attached to the front , and Alison expertly tightened the straps . We had a lot of experience using it on each other . Alison posed , stroking her fake cock . The only other thing she wore was a gold choker , her name written in diamonds . A similar choker was about my neck , my name written in onyxes . It proclaimed me the slut of Mark and Mary . Sudden anger blossomed inside me and I reached behind my neck to take the vile slave collar off . Alison sat on the bed next to me , taking my dark hands in her pale grip , kissing my knuckles . " I wanted to be Mark 's slave , " she confessed . " I 've always fantasized about being submissive to a powerful man . When I discovered Mark was fucking Lillian while she was cashiering at Hot Topic , I got so wet . " A smile appeared on her lips and her eyes became distant . " When Mark fucked me in the store , I came so hard . I was so happy when he asked me to be his sex slave , Desiree . Almost as happy as when you proposed to me . " " How is this any different than Brandon ? " Alison asked me . " You married him for his money , submitted to his lusts for a comfortable life . Master and Mistress will give us all we desire . All we have to do is satisfy their lusts . " A naughty smile appeared on her lips . " And don 't tell me you hated the sex . " I opened my mouth to protest , but no words came out . She was right . I had enjoyed it . The best sex I ever had . She sensed my hesitation and pounced on me , kissing me with her hungry lips . Could I submit to them , be their slave ? I married Brandon for his money , for the comforts he could give me . I let the disgusting man paw at my body . At least I enjoyed the sex with Mark and Mary . My legs parted for Alison , I moaned into her sweet lips as the dildo prodded my clam . I reached down , grabbing the plastic cock and guided it inside me . Alison eagerly slammed it home inside me , pumping her ass vigorously . My hands reached out , grabbing her tight , teenage ass and pulling her into me . I could feel her hard nipples , and the harder nipple piercings , rubbing against my pillowy chest . Every time Alison buried the dildo in my cunt , the harness ground against my clit , building my pleasure . " Let 's be slaves together , " Alison panted , her breath hot on my ear . I shivered as her tongue traced my earlobe . " We 'll be slut - wives ! Pleasing each other when Master and Mistress do not need us . Oh , please be my slut - wife , Desiree ! Please , please , please ! " My fingernails bit into Alison 's ass as my orgasm crashed through me . " Yes ! " I howled . " Oh , yes ! I 'll be your slut - wife ! " Alison 's happy smile was worth it . She had the same happy smile when I proposed to her . It took me a moment to realize the same smile was gracing my lips . I grabbed her pink tresses and pulled her lips down to mine and kissed my fiancee , my future slut - wife , as tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks . I stayed quiet as the argument raged , sitting quietly at the table . Across from me , Violet sat just as quietly . Everyone was slipping away . Fiona in an angry huff , Lillian and Noel arguing , Thamina in a daze . I didn 't even notice when Alison and Desiree slipped out . Sam gathered up her translations and walked into Mary 's studio . Jessica calmly walked out , followed by a puzzled Willow . I vividly remember Mark bringing Felicity and I to his house . We were both virgins and it was such an exciting day . Mark taught me to suck his cock , then I was lying on the bed , next to Felicity , as Mark ate out my pussy , and Mary ate out Felicity 's pussy . I had such an amazing orgasm . And then Mark mounted me and took my virginity and I found myself falling in love with him . And I remembered how hurt I had been when they kicked me out of the bedroom . I gave Mark my virginity , my innocent heart , and he tossed me aside . And them Mary appeared at my school . And I became her slave . And then I got to be Mark 's slave and I was so happy . I got to be with the man whom I 'd given my heart to , my innocence to . The last week had been so amazing . Even freed of his … what ? Spell ? I still didn 't regret Mark taking my virginity . But did I want to continue being his … slut ? I 'd be giving up my dreams of going to Digipan and learning to program video games . Was Mark worth it ? I would be happy . And Mark must love me if he gave me this freedom . Mary liked to talk about how much Mark loved her and that 's why he freed her . Well , Mark must love me too . I smiled , Mark loved me , and that thought sent happy butterflies flapping through my stomach . I hugged her . " Of course they do , " I told her , kissing her salty cheek . " They just love us so much , they are giving us the choice to stay with them . " And she relaxed , a tremulous smile on her lips . " Good . " She reached out and grabbed my hand . " Are you staying , April ? " she asked me . Shame burned through my body as I cried on the curb outside of the house . I was wearing the disgusting clothes Mark made me wear and the memory of all the times I was forced to … pleasure him and Mary curdled my stomach . I ripped the choker off my neck and heaved it off into the bushes and sobbed into my hands . Someone sat down next to me . Through my tear - filled eyes I saw Thamina , dressed as modestly as she could , which was not that much , her colorful headscarf wrapped about her head . No choker encircled her throat . She wasn 't an idiot like Lillian who seemed to find it just fine that Mark essentially raped all of us . " Where ? " I asked . I had nowhere to go . No car , no phone , no money . I left everything behind when Mark took me . I left Hank behind . Another sob threatened to overwhelm me as I thought of my boyfriend . He must be sick with worry . I vaguely remembered Jessica saying he filed a missing - person report on me . " My place , " Thamina said , holding her keys . Mark gave Thamina a SUV for winning the masturbation contest . Another shudder of disgust went through me . I had masturbated in public for Mark . A crowd of people watched us , made bets on us . Filmed us with their phones . I felt so dirty ; I needed to scrub the filth off my skin . Thamina 's white Ford Escape had somehow escaped the firefight untouched . The garage door was open and I could see Mark 's Mustang leaking antifreeze from a round that went through the front grill . Good . The bastard deserves that , and more , to happen to him . I climbed into the passenger seat and Thamina started up the SUV and we drove down the street . Out front there was a media circus being managed by the Puyallup Police under Mark 's control . There was a young , teenage girl with black hair in a plaited braid and a smiling face . She wore a red sundress decorated with white flowers and was taking a picture of herself in front of the sign of the neighborhood . We drove in silence to Thamina 's apartment near Canyon Road . Deer Creek Apartments was the name , one of those gated - communities . Thamina almost forgot her code when we pulled up to the security box and it took three tries before she punched it in right . " I don 't know where my remote for the gate is , " Thamina explained , clearly embarrassed about forgetting the code . She pulled into her parking spot , and led me up to the third floor apartment . She unlocked the door and went in . " It 's been more than two weeks since I 've been home . " " Me , too , " I replied , bitterly . I saw her phone and asked if I could use it . Thamina gave me a nod as she disappeared into her bedroom . Hank had already replaced me . I slammed the phone down and fell to the floor . We had been dating for two years and he replaces me in two weeks ? My body rocked with sobs . God damn Mark fucking Glassner . Why me ! Why did you have to choose me and ruin my life ! I was happy . Things were going great with Hank ! She was dressed in a long , dark skirt and very conservative blouse . A blue and red headscarf was wrapped around her head , leaving only her round , dusky face with those sexy , dark eyes . I licked my lips , a heat flushing through my body . Her lips were red and moist and I felt drawn to them . I could feel her body stiffen as I kissed those lips , then she was pushing away from me . What was I doing ? " I don 't know , " I told her . " Christ , the last two weeks have screwed my head all up . I just couldn 't resist kissing you . I … I 'm sorry . I 'll leave . " I went to stand up and she caught my hand and pulled me back and kissed me and it was my turn to stiffen in surprise . " You are not the only one that has changed , " Thamina said , disgust painting her face . " I know it is wrong , a sin , for women to be together . But … " Her lips were soft and tender . I stroked her face and brushed her headscarf . I pulled it off , her black hair falling free and beautiful about her head . Our kiss became more passionate , my tongue pressing against her lips , and they parted to let me in . I felt her gentle hand stroking my shoulder , then slide down the slope of my breast . I felt the low - cut blouse I was wearing get pushed down and my hard nipple exposed . Her finger gently traced my areola , sending a tingling pleasure throughout my body . " Oh , Thamina , " I sighed as she bent down and captured my nipple with her sucking lips . I cradled her head to my breast , running my fingers through her silky hair . " Oh , that 's nice . " Thamina licked her way back up my chest and throat and we were kissing again . My fingers fumbled at the buttons to her blouse as we kissed . Finally , I pushed open her blouse and felt a bra about her breasts . I slid my hands around to her back and found the clasp . It was harder to unclasp another person 's bra then my own , I realized . I finally got the clasp unhooked and broke the kiss to look down at her dusky breasts and her dark nipples . I pushed Thamina back , lowering her to the floor and settling on top of her . Her hands pulled the thong I was wearing off and pushed up my skirt . I pulled up her long skirt until it bunched about her waist . She was wearing plain , boring panties and I pulled those off of her , exposing a V of black hair that pointed right at her waxed , wet cunt . I grimaced , my pussy was waxed bare because of Mark 's perversions , too . Our hips rolled and pumped as we tribbed each other . Thamina 's hands roamed my back , her fingers lightly tracing my muscles and spine , leaving little trails of fire across my skin . I rubbed our clits together with hard , slow thrusts of my hips , building the pleasure inside me . My ass flexed and her gentle hands were suddenly groping my plump cheeks , pulling me harder into her pussy . Harder , faster , I ground our clits together . Thamina bucked beneath me as her orgasm exploded inside her . She gasped so sweetly , squeezing my ass almost painfully as her passion overcame her . I rubbed against her clit once , twice , and then I screamed out her name as my pussy convulsed and my orgasm surged through my body . But , Thamina pushed me off her and pushed her skirt down . Buttoning up her blouse she whispered , " That was wrong , Fiona . We can 't do this again . " But , it did happen again . I went to take a shower and , to my delighted shock , Thamina slipped in and we rubbed our pussies on each other 's thighs beneath the warm water . And then it happened while we shared her bed for the night . And once more when we woke up in the morning . After every time we made love , Thamina would say it was the last , that it was wrong , and every time she would be the one to kiss me first . " Do you need a place to stay ? " Thamina asked as we ate a simple breakfast of pancakes . It was the only food in the apartment that hadn 't gone bad . Her hand slid up my thigh underneath my skirt and I moaned softly when she found my bare pussy . I didn 't know what Thamina and I had . It certainly wasn 't love . But it was comforting . I gasped as she slipped a finger up inside me . Comforting and fun . I didn 't know what to think when Mark freed me from his … power ? Spell ? I didn 't really know what to call it . Who would think magic and all that crap was real ? What I did know is that I needed a drink . I found my car still parked out on the street . My poor baby , a powder - blue Prius , had a passenger window shot out and a bullet hole in the trunk . Sighing , I climbed into the car , pushed the button to start it up , and drove away . American Joes was the first bar I found . It looked like a dive , but I didn 't care . I needed a drink , desperately . I walked in ; the few men in the pub were fixed on the TV . It was Debra reporting about what happened this afternoon . My heart began to hammer . I spent the firefight crouched behind a car , next to Debra , as her cameraman fearlessly filmed the firefight . " I was in Fallujah during the Surge , " he said dismissively when Debra suggested he take some cover . I had never felt so alive as during those few minutes . It was almost intoxicating . Being around Mark and Mary was intoxicating , too . I sipped on my Coors lite . It was wrong what Mark did to me , that was painfully obvious . But , Mark was a powerful man . And he was only growing more and more powerful . And powerful men got what they wanted . I could help him . I could be there , in the thick of it . Mark already relied on me to help the media . And so what if he fucked me . The sex was amazing . I could feel my pussy moistening in my silk panties just thinking about it . Mark was so powerful , and I could be one of his favorite women . I shuddered at the thought . I pulled my choker out of my pocket . Made of gold , with my name written in sapphires . I rubbed the engraving : " Mark and Mary 's slut forever . " Forever . Forever the lover of the most powerful man in the world . There was no doubt in my mind just how powerful Mark was after today . He healed himself after he got shot five times , for Pete 's sake . Finishing off my beer , I clasped the choker about my throat . I sat the Magicks of the Witch of Endor and my dictionaries and reference books down on the desk in Mary 's studio , next to one of the computers . The last few days had definitely been strange . One minute I was working on my Ph . D . dissertation , the next I was being made the plaything of Mark and Mary , and then they asked me to translate this book . The really wild part was all the spells and rituals in the book were real . Mark sold his soul for power and used that power to control me . I was torn , I did not want to be his plaything , but the magic was so intriguing . There were just such fascinating spells in it ! There was a spell that could steal a nun 's powers and give it to a Warlock . Another spell let you summon the spirits of the dead to scry with . The book told you how to summon a variety of demons : Asherah , Marduk , Lilith , Hadath , Molech , Astarte , Chemosh , Baal - zebub , Dagon , Tammuz , Milcom , Ashtoreth , and , of course , Lucifer . The very being Mark and Mary apparently got their powers from . And there were magics in here even I could perform . Most required you to sell your soul , but anyone could conjure the dead or heal the sick and I found one spell that only a woman could cast . I flushed , remembering what the spell did . It allowed a woman to conjure her own cock . Allowing a woman to ' have the seed of life like a man , and plant that seed in a fertile vessel . ' What would it be like to have my own cock ? It was such a disgusting idea , and yet an itch was forming in my pussy , my juices puddling on the leather seat of the chair . I slid my hands down my naked flesh , down to my waxed pussy . On Monday , Mary sent me to this salon to get my thick , black bush waxed . It was weird , feeling bare down there , and strange to play with my pussy and not feel my wiry hair tickling my fingers as they slowly got matted - down with my juices . I teased my slit , running my hand up and down my labia . My breath caught as I pictured a cock thrusting out from me as I pinched my clit . I imagined bending caramel - skinned Jessica over the couch . She would moan as I slid my cock inside her warm pussy . I slipped my fingers up inside me , imagining that 's what Jessica 's pussy would feel like around my cock , all warm and slippery . Jessica would gasp and pant , and moan so beautifully as I fucked her . Her caramel breasts would shake from my thrusts , waving her dark nipples about . I would spank her ass as I fucked her , and pull on her honey - brown hair . I dug my fingers faster and faster into my cunt , pinching my clit with my other hand . I leaned back in the computer chair . Jessica would cum on my cock , her pussy clenching , and she would gasp my name . I shuddered on the chair , my pussy clenching about my fingers as a nice cum washed through me . Breathing heavily , I sucked my fingers clean of my tangy , spicy flavor . I grabbed my notes and found the passage for the Shophkah spell , reading the ritual again . It was simple . I just needed a woman to lie with . I chewed on my fingernail as I debated performing the spell . This might be my last night of freedom . Just because Mark and Mary say they 'll free us , I don 't think they 'll free me . They need the knowledge in this book . They need me . Where could I find a woman to fuck ? There was a club I heard the other sluts talk about . One that Mary liked to go to . Some lesbian club called the something Diver . The Cake Diver ? No , that couldn 't be it . I pulled out my smart phone and did a search and found a club in Tacoma called the Clam Diver . I went down into the basement where the bed I shared with Xiu was . She was a nasty girl , I learned . Loved to be hurt . The more you hurt her , the wetter she got . I went to the dresser I shared with Xiu . Mary had me go shopping on Monday to get " appropriate clothing , " as she put it , after the waxing . I found a tight , blue dress covered in sequins . The skirt was very short , and while the bodice went up to my neck , an oval was cut out exposing the inner slopes of my breasts . I called for a taxi and paid with my debit card . As the cab drove me to Tacoma , I thought about my future . I wouldn 't be Mark and Mary 's sex slave again , not if I could help it . But , maybe , they would let me be their … adviser . Their Vizier . I could inform them about the magic and maybe I would make my own deal with the devil . As long as I stayed subservient to them , there 's no reason that I couldn 't have some fun . The music in the club was a booming dubstep . It was dark inside , various colored spotlights flashing about the club . There was a bar and circular tables on one side , and a large dance floor on the other . The club was filled with women of all shapes and races : lipstick lesbians , punk girls with spiked hair , butch women with short hair , goth girls in depressing blacks , and many more . I had fun , dancing and grinding on a few girls . I hit it off with this one girl who had the most unusual hair . Half was dyed bubblegum pink , the other half cotton - candy blue . In fact , her name was Candy and whether that was her real name or an affectation , I didn 't know . She found my glasses cute , and we were soon making out on one of the couches that lined the wall of the club . Candy was quite affectionate , and her mouth as sweet as candy . She was short , like me , and very curvy , unlike me . Her hand slipped under my short skirt and started playing with my shaved pussy as we kissed . Feeling bold , I pushed up her skirt and discovered she wasn 't wearing panties . I ran my finger through her smooth pussy . I gathered up a copious coating of her juices and sucked them into my mouth . " Umm , you taste as sweet as candy , " I joked . I laughed and kissed her again . She grabbed my hips and pulled me into her and our clits started rubbing together . The spell required me to ' lie with a woman as if I were a man , and fully know her , ' and it sounded like a euphemism for tribadism . When I ' fully know her , ' which I 'm hoping means the both of us cumming , I was to utter the Hebrew word for cock , Shophkah . All the spells that I had seen were Hebrew words . I had only translated maybe a sixth of the book and skimmed the rest . Our pussies ground together harder and faster , our orgasms building . " Oh yes ! " Candy gasped . " Oh , god yes ! I love this couch ! I always get lucky on this couch ! " She was talking about Mary , I realized . What a small world . Our clits were rubbing hard together as we pleasured each other . Candy was moaning wordlessly , her finger slipping into the cleft of my buttocks and teasing my asshole . When her finger slid into my ass , I slammed my clit into hers at the sudden intrusion . Candy bucked beneath me as she came . Warmth bubbled up in my pussy and pleasure shook through my body as my clitoris became red hot . I moaned and felt pleasure as my clit engorged and lengthened , pushing into Candy 's pussy as it grew . I was suddenly surrounded by her warm , slippery flesh . It was better than I imagined it would be . My hips started pumping my cock inside her delightful cunt . I didn 't answer her , I was too lost in the pleasure around my cock to care about anything other than pumping it in and out of her pussy . Candy 's hand wormed between our bodies , sliding down to feel where my cock penetrated her cunt . Her fingers wrapped around the shaft of my cock and followed it up to my groin . I could see her eyes widen in amazement as she realized what she felt . Her fingers slipped underneath and found my wet pussy . My cock felt so amazing in her slippery depths . I was completely enveloped in warm , soft flesh . Every movement of my cock built the pleasure mounting inside me . I fucked her faster and faster , feeling an overwhelming urge to cum as fast as possible . God , no wonder guys were so quick to finish . This urge was almost driving all thoughts from my mind . I just needed to cum . I groaned loudly as this pressure shot out from my ovaries and out through my cock and I spilt my seed into Candy 's sweet cunt . " Oh my god , you can cum ! " she gasped . " Holy shit ! " More blasts flooded her pussy as she came a second time , her cunt contracting pleasantly about my cock . " Holy shit ! " Candy panted one more time . I didn 't get why the other girls were upset . Being Mark and Mary 's sluts was so rewarding . I was so jealous that day when I first met Mark and he took Alison as his sex slave and left me to work the rest of my shift at Hot Topic with a cunt full of his cum . I stalked out of the house , I didn 't see the point in hanging around with these ungrateful ladies . If they wanted to throw away the great honor of being Mark 's slut , fine with me . More Master and Mistress for me to fuck . Zelda was this cute , punk girl I fucked a few weeks ago . I met her at Hot Topic when Master came in the second time and made me his slut . I filmed our fucking so Master and Mistress could watch it later . She was a great lay and I wouldn 't mind making it with the girl again . I pulled on a red corset and a very short , black skirt trimmed with black lace . Thigh - high , fishnet stockings covered my pale legs , held up by a black garter belt . I didn 't bother with the panties . I pulled my black hair , streaked with blue and purple highlights , into two pigtails . I looked hot . My gold choker glinted prettily around my neck so everyone could see who I belonged to . I happily headed outside to my blue Fusion Hybrid . I frowned , the passenger door had three bullet holes in it and the passenger seat was leaking stuffing . Oh well , Master had the money to fix it . I hopped in , and started up my car . I had won a masturbation contest to get this car . That had been exciting , pleasuring myself while a bunch of strangers watched . It was so nasty . That 's why I loved being their slave , I got to do all these nasty , fun things . I gunned the car , and roared out of the street , past all the media , and took off to Zelda 's apartment . She didn 't live too far away , Chestnut Hill apartments off Meridian , halfway down South Hill into the Puyallup Valley and downtown Puyallup . I parked my car in front of the M building and climbed up the stairs to the third floor and knocked on the door . Zelda opened it , wearing only a skimpy , black thong . Her small breasts had gold rings pierced through her nipples and tattooed on her right breast was a green serpent coiled about her tit . That was new , she didn 't have that two weeks ago . The serpent 's tongue flicked out pink towards her areola to lick at her nipple . A sultry grin appeared on her almost - cute face . She would be cute , except her hair was spiked up into a black mohawk streaked with red , the sides shaved off . " Slut , " Zelda smiled and grabbed my pigtail and pulled me in for a kiss . My hands found her breasts , pulling on her nipple rings as her tongue stabbed into my lips and roughly wrestled with my tongue . She broke the kiss and pulled me into the apartment by my pigtail . Sitting on her couch was a cute guy wearing only a pair of ripped jeans . His chest was muscular and hairless . His face had a chiseled chin and deep , blue eyes . Just like Master 's eyes . His hair was shaved and black spikes were pierced through his eyebrows , a black bull 's ring pierced his nose , and both of his ear lobes were distorted by wide , black ear expanders . " This that girl ? " Spike grunted , taking a pull from a brown - bottled beer . A grin split his lips . " You 're one hot chick . Zelda says you like to party . " " What 's this about your throat ? " Zelda asked , fingering my choker . " Mark and Mary 's slut forever , " she read and frowned . " Wait , not that Mark ? " I blinked . " Well , he was shot in the chest a bunch and … " my voice broke . The image of Master lying bleeding on the lawn would haunt me for the rest of my life . Get yourself together , slut , he 's alive . " We thought he was going to die and then he was all better . " A God ? He could do some amazing things . Both of them could . " Maybe he is , " I answered . " And I 'm one of his favorites . " Spike pulled me to him and I sat down on the couch next to him . He boldly pulled up my skirt exposing my shaved cunt , his fingers ran down my slit then shoved roughly inside me . I gasped in the mix of pleasure and discomfort . " So a God 's cock has been up here ? " His thick fingers were pushing in and out of my cunt . " Yes , " I hissed . Zelda sank down on the other side of me , her fingers unlacing the black ties of my corset . The corset loosened enough for Zelda to fish out my left breast and I moaned as her lips kissed my nipple , then she softly bit it with her teeth . I jumped when Spike 's thumb started rubbing hard on my clit . " Oh , fuck ! " I moaned . Spike unzipped his jeans and pulled out a hard , thick cock . A silver ring pierced the cock 's head , below the urethra . A Prince Albert piercing , I thought with a wicked smile . " You feel wet enough , babe , " Spike moaned , climbing atop me . His cock nudged at my pussy . I groaned as he slid into me , the ring rubbing deliciously down the length of my pussy as he filled me up . He drew back and slammed into me again . God , his cock felt so good inside me . I always loved fucking a guy with a pierced cock . Zelda kissed me as my pussy was getting pounded by Spike . " Fuck , fuck you 're tight , babe ! " Spike moaned , his balls slapping against my taint with every thrust . " Fuck , fuck ! I can see why a God would fuck you ! This is some grade A cunt I 'm getting ! " My orgasm was building quickly as the metal ring rubbed against my pussy 's walls . I gasped into Zelda 's greedy mouth as her hand slid down and found my little clit and started rubbing it . I writhed beneath Spike as my cum exploded through my cunt , squeezing down on his big cock . He kept right on fucking me , pounding me harder and harder . My insides were on fire and Zelda kept playing with my clit . I broke the kiss , gasping , " Oh fuck , I 'm cumming again ! Ohh , keep fucking me ! Yes , Yes ! " Zelda 's finger was making my clit feel amazing as she stroked it . " Fuck , keep playing with my clit , slut ! Ummm , yes ! " " Yes ! " I screamed as a third orgasm crashed through me . Spike groaned as my pussy hungrily milked his cum from his balls . I loved the feeling of hot cum splashing inside me . Spike pulled out and buried himself one last time inside me , before his cock withdrew , leaving me empty . I could feel his cum run out wetly . " Clean her pussy out , Zelda ! " Spike barked . Then a grin broke out on his face . " She 's got to be clean for her God . " I moaned as Zelda 's head bent down and lapped at my messy cunt . Spike was right , Master wouldn 't be pleased if my cunt was full of some other man 's cum , tomorrow . I came a fourth time as Zelda 's skilled tongue found all of Spike 's cum inside me . And then , I got to return the favor to Zelda , licking out Spike 's cum from her tasty snatch . I slipped silently out of the kitchen as Fiona and Lillian fought , wandering upstairs . I entered Master and Mistress 's bedroom , crawling onto their bed . I rubbed my cheek against their sheets and hugged their pillow . I could smell their scent and felt loved . My arm ached from where I got shot , and I shifted to get more comfortable . Maybe it was wrong what they did to me , but I enjoyed every minute of it . Even drinking another woman 's pee . Fiona didn 't seem to be as happy about being their slut . That was a shame , I had come to love drinking her pee . I was pregnant and that changed everything for me . Maybe I would be more angry if it wasn 't for the baby . Or maybe not . Master told me he loved me , and so did Mistress . My child would be loved and cared for , and that is what 's most important . So there was no question in my mind what I would do . I fingered the gold choker , tight about my throat , tracing the opal stones set in a plate on the front . Korina , the opals spelled , and below that I traced the words engraved , " Mark and Mary 's slut forever . " I was their slut , forever . It was engraved on my choker . When I need to think , I like to get in my red Prius and drive . It didn 't matter where I drove , just that I kept moving . I had been Dr . Willow WolfTail , OB / GYN and wife of Yancy Coleman . But , what was I , now ? Mark and Mary 's sex slave . I frowned , no I would not be that . Yancy 's wife ? I shook my head , no I signed those divorce papers last week . I never should have married Yancy . We had just been together for so long , I just didn 't know how to get off the train . So , I said , " Yes , " when he proposed and I said , " I do , " when the minister asked the question . It made my family happy , it made Yancy happy . I told myself that it made me happy . But , it didn 't . That was the one thing Mark and Mary left me . They wanted me to run their free clinic . Mary told me all about her plans . The clinic 's real purpose was to find them young women to be whores for them . But , that seemed to be changing . Mary was starting to be more focused on actually helping these women . I pictured examining all those young , nubile girls and felt a flush of warmth through my body . My time as their sex slave has definitely warped my sexual appetites . I shivered as he leered at me . He had watched me fuck Mark Glassner in this very building . Well , that 's when I was Mark 's slave . Now , I wanted to get as far away from the creep as I could . Far away from all the people he 's enslaved , and my memories . Grief almost overwhelmed me , but I beat it down . I didn 't need that know . " Just send me far away , " I begged . " Mark approved it . " A lie . Well , if Mark was honest about letting me go , I guess it really wasn 't . " Well , if that 's what Mark wants , " Donavan said , and a hint of awe appeared in his voice . Jeez , was he one of those idiots buying that bull about Mark being a god ? When I left the house , a group of those idiots were gathering outside with signs proclaiming Mark and Mary to be their Gods . Blind fucking idiots . " It is , " I told him , rubbing at my neck . It felt good to have that damned choker off . I threw it into the Puyallup River on my way here . Let the fish be his damned sex slave . I was through being a man 's plaything . We were both naked , my pussy aching pleasantly from our lovemaking . I stroked his chest , idly , my body pressed up against his side . It was a dream . I never thought I would be with my husband again . To hold him , and kiss him , and to feel him inside me . I wasn 't a nun anymore , I realized , I would have to get on birth control or we 'd have another child . " I love you , Sean , " I told him , squeezing him tightly . He smiled and we kissed . " I need to tell you something . " I bit my lip as he nodded . " I … I was with other people , while we were separated . " " Who ? " I asked , curious . " Why would you keep it from the girls ? " A guilty flush appeared on his face and my eyes widened in realization . " Your high school students ? " " Yeah , " he sheepishly answered . " They were all willing . You know , the cool teacher thing turns some girls on . But , it was only after you left , Tif . " " Well , I guess what was in the past is in the past , " I told Sean . " We have our new future to build . And , well , I think I 'd like another child . So , I could see , " tears were filling my eyes , “… so I could see one of my children grow up . " I smiled happily as I felt his cock prodding at the entrance to my pussy and I slid down Sean 's body , forcing his wonderfully hard dick inside me . I moaned in delight as Sean filled me up . I rose up , thrusting my perky breasts forward . I slowly started riding Sean , rolling my hips as I slid up and down his shaft . Sean 's hands slid up my flat stomach to cup my breasts . " Oh yes ! " I gasped , happily . " As soon as possible . " I felt tears of joy run down my cheeks as I rode my husband . I forced down the guilt at betraying my order . It was all for Sean , all for my family . They were all I needed . But that voice was quickly drowned out by the pleasure growing deep in my womb as Sean 's cock rubbed deliciously against my pussy walls as I rode him . The pleasure of his fingers playing gently with my breasts , the pleasure of my clit grinding into his groin on every down - stroke . And the pleasure of my orgasm as it crashed through my body and the feel of Sean 's cum shooting inside me . His eager sperm might be swimming up to a waiting egg and we would make a new life , again . I was standing in a field of wildflowers awaiting my Mary when the voice drifted across the field and I realized I was dreaming . The voice seemed to be coming from the small bridal tent where , in my dream , anyways , my Mary would be waiting to step out and walk down the aisle . I walked towards the white tent and through the open flap . She was beautiful and young , maybe in her early twenties . Her skin was burnished bronze and her eyes were scarlet . Around her face and shoulders fell scarlet hair . She wore a simple , white tunic , her large breasts straining against the plain fabric . At her waist , a golden sword set with rubies . A soft smile graced her lips as she eyed me . " I am Azrael , " the woman answered . Her tunic melted away and she stood naked before me . Her breasts were large and perfectly shaped , her nipples hard and large . Scarlet hair hid her pussy as she walked towards me . She touched me and I shuddered in pleasure . It was like being touched by Lilith . Somehow , I was on my back and she was straddling me , my cock sliding into her pussy . The feeling was so intense , an ecstasy of pleasure surged through me as my cock was fully enveloped by her warm , wet depths . I groaned , my cum shooting into her . She smiled in delight , shuddering atop me as she started riding my cock . Ecstasy , that 's what Karen called it when Gabriel would come upon her and give her a mission . So , Azrael was an angel , then . Now that I had Tiffany 's Gift , I guess the other side had a use for me . Well , fuck that . They had caused me far too much pain and suffering for me to even think about playing ball for them . The pleasure in my cock was growing too much and I groaned as I came inside her again . She just kept right on riding me , her perfect breasts bouncing above me . I wanted to reach out and cup those breasts , feel her hard nipples . Instead , I grabbed the canvas floor of the tent between my fists . " A Warlock who has been given the Gift of the Priesthood . You are no longer a Warlock , but you are not quite a Priest . A monk , as they are called these days . You are a Shaman , with both the powers of Paradise and the Abyss . " " Oh , yes , " Azrael answered . " It is rare . There is a way for a Warlock to steal the Gift , of course . And Tiffany was hardly the first Priestess to give her Gift to a Warlock . In fact , the most famous Shaman of all would be King Solomon . When the Queen of Sheba was sent to exorcise him , the foolish woman fell in love with him and gave him her powers . Any questions ? " " Perhaps I can temper your wickedness , " Azrael answered , with a smile . " And maybe some good can come from your actions . " She twisted her hips , squeezing her angelic cunt as she slid down my cock and another blast of cum flooded up inside her . " Ohh , I love it when a mortal floods me with his seed . Maybe you 'll quicken a life in my womb ! " Could I have kids , now ? Mary wanted to have kids but Karen told us a nun couldn 't get pregnant , it was one of the protections they were given . Mary would be crushed if I was sterile , now . " Can I still have kids , now ? " Azrael cocked her head . " Yes . The Priestesses were given that protection because of the nature of their Prayers . Priests , on the other hand , have very different powers . Anything else , or shall we get started on your education ? " " No , " I snapped , anger at her presumption , anger at her invasion of my dreams , boiling up inside me . " I don 't want anything to do with your side . My Chasity is dead because of your nuns ! " " I don 't care , " I shouted . My balls were boiling , wanting to cum in the furnace of her cunt again . " Your side can go fuck themselves . " I grit my teeth as she rode me faster and faster , trying not to cum again . She arched her back , thrusting those magnificent breasts forward and her cunt began to convulse so pleasantly about my cock as she came . I lost the battle and came one more time in her tight pussy . Gasping for breath , I found myself moaning in disappointment as she rose off my cock . I was sleeping on a hospital chair , my neck sore , my pants soaked with cum . Mary stirred next to me , shifting her position on her chair . " Master , " a soft voice whispered . I looked up to see Xiu staring at me . I stood up and took her hand and kissed it . She smiled softly , and her eyes closed and she slipped back into sleep . I won 't use their powers , I promised myself . Desiree almost died the first time they attacked me . Korina was shot and this time Xiu was badly hurt , and plenty of my bodyguards . And Chasity was dead and five of my other bodyguards . Fuck them . Fuck their powers . I would hold onto this Gift , keep it from ever being used for their side again . Deprive them of one of the few tools that remained them . Mary and I ate breakfast at the hospital . Xiu woke up a second time when we returned and Mary hugged her gently as we told her about the hysterectomy and Chasity 's death . Xiu would be given the choice about staying our sex slave , but only after she was stronger . We checked in on the other bodyguards . 30 died during the night . 04 and 47 were still unconscious . The other eighteen were conscious and eating breakfast . They had suffered a variety of gunshots , some more serious than others . Four were well enough to be discharged this morning , having only taken grazing wounds . They were all happy to see us and we gave them encouragements . Noon was approaching , and it was time to find out who , if any , of our sex slaves would want to voluntarily stay with us . 51 drove us back to the house . Besides the media , there was a large crowd of people cheering and holding up signs as we drove through . A very large crowd , I realized . There were more than a hundred , covering the shoulder of Shaw Road and spilling into the road . " I worship you , " and " Mark Glassner is God , " and many other signs were on display . The crowd , mostly women , fell to their knees and bowed . Their faces shown with rapture and love . " My God ! " they shouted . " Bless me ! " and " I am yours ! " and other shouts rose up . I recognized a few , women that I had fucked over the past few weeks . " Take me ! " a woman shouted and bared her breasts at me and I felt my cock hardening . Their love , their devotion , their worship was so intoxicating . I raised my hands up and they hushed in excited anticipation of what I would say . They were obeying me without me even giving them a command . This was power . I was power . I could do things that no normal person ever could . I was better than them . I could guide them , shape them . Make them better than what had been before . How could I refuse these people . I did not know why that phrase appeared on my lips , but it felt right . A groan went through the crowd and two teenage girls rose up . I smiled , recognizing the Cunningham twins . " It 's as we told you , " the twin with the shorter hair cried . " Mark taught our family to love each other unconditionally . " Rose grabbed Daisy and the twin girls kissed passionately before the entire crowd . A groan went through the crowd and more people were kissing each other , following the twin girls ' examples . Men kissed women and women kissed women . Mothers kissed daughters and sons kissed mothers . Brothers kissed sisters and daughters kissed fathers . Mary stepped out of the car and another wave of shouts rose from the crowd , " My Goddess ! " and , " The most Beautiful of Women ! " shouted from the crowd . I saw the uncertainty melt away from Mary 's face as the crowd chanted her name . A Black woman knelt before her , begging to pleasure her . Clothing was coming off as the worshipers ' passions increased . Several with instruments begin playing a low , primal beat . Deep drums accompanied by steel - string guitars . Everywhere you looked , people were loving each other , worshiping us with their bodies . Some bowed before us , baring breasts and begging for our blessing . They kissed each other around the head of my cock , their tongues caressing each other 's as they explored the sensitive flesh of my cock . I gripped both their hairs and moaned as they started taking turns sucking my cock into their mouths . Mary was leaning back against 51 's cop car as the Black woman was devouring her pussy . I watched her lips as she moaned , her voice drowned out by the worshipers . Her body convulsed as she orgasmed and the Black woman looked so happy when her face came away sticky . Immediately , another worshiper , a Black teenager , grabbed the woman and they kissed and the teen mounted her and started fucking her with his cock . Was it her son ? Or was it a complete stranger fucking her ? The mother had her lips about my cock as her daughter sucked my balls into her sweet mouth . I groaned , my balls tightening , and I flooded the mother 's mouth with my cum . She pulled her head away and let my cum splash onto her large breasts and neck . A look of ecstasy painted her face as my spunk ran thickly down her heaving bosom . Her daughter released my balls and scooped up a glob of semen off her mother 's breast and sucked it reverently into her mouth . Other worshipers crowded around , gathering scoops of my cum to eat . " Gods ? " I asked her , a smile on my lips . " Why not ? We have these powers . Didn 't it feel amazing as they all chanted your name ? " I saw the evidence of the firefight all over the neighborhood as 51 pulled up in front of the house . There were boarded - up windows and cars riddled with bullet holes . Red stains dotted the asphalt . Mary clung to my arm as we walked up to the house . We may have been about to lose all our sex slaves , but I was still riding high on the euphoria of the worshipers . There were plenty of women out there , our worshipers , who would be thrilled to be our sluts . They were all waiting in the dining room . Some wore their chokers and others did not . Well , it seemed that some of them would be staying . Alison and Desiree were holding each other , their chokers tight about their throats . Violet and April both wore their chokers , too , and behind them Lillian lounged fingering her choker . I was happy to see that Korina was wearing her choker , too . She was carrying my child . " Sam , is there a way to break the bond ? " I asked her , then blinked in surprise . There was a woman sitting on Sam 's lap , her hair dyed half - pink and half - blue . They were both dressed in party dresses , Sam in a blue sequined dress and the girl in a gauzy , pink dress . " Yes . " A yawn spread across her round face . She rubbed her dark , almond eyes . " It 's quite simple . Just touch the person , concentrate on the chain binding the two of you and say Parats . That 's the Hebrew word for ' to break . ' In fact all the spells are just Hebrew words . It 's quite fascinating . " " Well , you need me , " Sam said . " But , I don 't want to be one of your … sluts . I 'll advise you on magic . Let me be your Vizier . The only payment I want is Candy , here . " " Fine , " I told Sam . " You have to tell us whatever we need to know . You can never tell anyone else what you know . You can ignore any other commands . Candy , you belong to Sam , now . Do whatever she wants . " I grabbed her . I could keep her , make her love me again . Make her pay for slapping me . I saw Mary staring at me , the slight , warning shake of her head . No . Mary was right , it was better that they wanted to be ours . I focused on the chains binding the two of us and said , " Parats . " We flinched , as if we were both tugging on a rope that snapped , and we stumbled back . Noel was stoic silence when I released her , Thamina was icy calm , modestly clad in a long skirt and headscarf . Willow walked up and I grabbed her , going to release her , too , when she shook her head . " Like Sam , I think we can come to an understanding . " " I 'll run your charity , " Willow smiled . " Let me choose the staff and I 'll be more than happy to run the clinic . Just let me … play , with the girls . " Jessica walked towards us , her choker about her neck . " You 're the most powerful people in the world . I want to be a part of that . " Korina walked over and stood next to Jessica , her hand rubbing her belly . " I love you , Master . I 'm having your baby . And I love you , too , Mistress . " The seven sluts knelt before us , smiling up at us . " We are yours , " they said in unison , love shining in their eyes . " Forever . " I was at the Department of Hebrew and Semitic Studies , University of Wisconsin - Madison , the Magicks of the Witch of Endor clutched in my hands . After taking the book from the Altgrave , I did my research and Professor Scrivener was a leading expert in the translation of ancient Semitic writings . He was a man in his fifties , black hair going gray , with deep , green eyes peering at me from behind horned - rim glasses . His office was small , cluttered with books and papers and I squeezed past the door and stepped carefully to his desk . I pulled out the cashiers check made out for $ 100 , 000 dollars . It was the bulk of my money . I was hoping greed would blind the man from asking too many questions and his hands shook as he looked at the check . But , if the book contained what I hoped it would , $ 100 , 000 would be a pittance . And once he finished translating the book , well , I could find a different way to reward him . " Show this to no - one . I need complete discretion on your part . And I need it as soon as possible . I will call once a week to check on your progress . And no questions , okay ? " He licked his lips , nervous , then glanced down at the check . I could see the questions whirling in his mind , the doubts and whispers of caution . But there was that glint of avarice in his eyes as he kept glancing at the check . He wiped his sweaty palm on the leg of his brown slacks . Sweat was beading on his forehead . He glanced up at me , staring at me intently , his green eyes peering into my brown eyes . His hand shook as he folded up the check and slipped it into his pocket . Reply ↓ mypenname3000 Post authorAugust 30 , 2015 at 6 : 24 am Yes , the Devil 's Pact is finished . There are several side - stories and a sort of sequel still left to publish . So is my other major series The Battered Lamp . As for the models , they are just pics I 've collected over the years . I believe those two I procured from metart . com . I don 't remember the names of the models off hand . I probably have more pics of them on my harddrive , but I have so many of them , it 's hard to locate specific sets .

I am in a mad holiday rush to make all the Christmas gifts on my extensive todolist . Why is Christmas so close already ? ? This year is a lot different feeling then last year . Last year I wondered if I would have a baby around this Christmas or just a bunch of sad memories . Last year I wondered if they hats I made my family would be nothing more of little reminders to them of my last Christmas . Last Christmas was a very blue Christmas for me . Every morning I woke up cuddled next to Ansen and my heart is bursting . I have this majorly deformed looking stomach that still hurts in a certain area ( probably a forever thing ) and as much as I hate this ugly stomach , it reminds me of beauty . The beauty of life . The beauty of being a mother . The beauty of family . The beauty of God and His world . The beauty of following God 's path , even when the path may not appear so beautiful or wonderful or even worthy to travel . As I make Christmas gifts this year , my heart celebrates . It 's a different feeling from last year . And truthfully winter is my least favorite season . I hate the cold , I hate snow and I hate the dark late afternoons . But I am embracing it all , every second of it , because most importantly , Ansen and I get to enjoy it together with our family . Posted by Still don 't have internet or any kind of cable at all at my house , and its actually kind of nice in a way ( although I feel SOOOOOO behind on all my facebook friends and whats up on them , since I only check every 4 days or so ) . I have had more time for crafting , reading and watching Netflix episodes of Nip / Tuck ( my new favorite series ) . And it gives me lots of time to take in all the joys around me , and to reflect on what a treasure this last year has been to my heart . It has been most difficult , but most certainly the year where I learned more then I had the last 29 years before . I feel so lucky to see everything in my life with fresh eyes . No matter how little money we may have at times , what little material things we possess , our house is bursting with love and loud and craziness and joy and quite a bit of mischief . And I like it that way . I couldn 't think of any way to make it any better . Actually thats a bit of a fib . We are actually working on restructuring our budget so that we can give more money to worthy ministries around us . We have what we truly need , and what is most important to me now is to share some of the excess we have with others , so that they can find a similar simple joy in life . It 's a hard journey though , going from living a life of consumerism ( I am a seasoned shopper ! ) Baby steps . . . . . yep baby steps . I have been thinking about how I need to take a break from the internet , just live life and enjoy my kids and STEP AWAY from the internet . Because truthfully , its the first thing I think of checking in the morning and one of the last things I need to check before bed . . . and then there are the tiny little checkins throughout the day . So anyways , the last few weeks , I have been back and forth about cancelling our internet and taking a little break ( checking in a couple times a week from my Dad 's house to get my " fix " ) . It 's hard though to take that final step and get rid of something you greatly enjoy though . Well God has decided to help me along the decision making path . Today our internet provider ( Comcast ) took out 120 dollars from our bank account . We only have internet and the most basic of cable ( 4 dollars a month ) , so our whole bill is about 30 dollars a month . We did NOT authorize this payment and we do not have automatic payments or anything like that . On calling them , we were told that they were authorized the payment of 120 dollars AND that they couldn 't tell us who authorized it bc of confidentiality . Doug talked to THREE people and heard the same thing . So , I take it as God 's hint that we are meant to cancel internet ( and ALL services from Comcast ) and take a bit of a break . I will check in a couple times a week from my Dad 's , bc I can 't give it up cold turkey , but I am guessing that I might be a lot more productive now ( when I am not busy with all these kids ! ) I am hoping that this break will be good for me and help break me of my internet addiction ! It 's a positive thing ( although I hope we can get some of our money back - I hae vowed to give more to others in need this year , but Comcast is NOT on that list ! ! ) Funny how God works . When you think you can 't possibly make this or that decision , He gives you a little shove in that direction . I think it will certainly be good for us all , to not have the internet SOOOO easily accessible . Maybe it will help me with some of my " so much to do , so little time to do it in " problem I have lately ! Posted by Physically , I am not still healed and not sure when I will heal , since nurse found that there is actually still this mystery tunneling that hasn 't changed ( she thought it had filled in , but found it again last time she was here ) . But I feel great . I don 't have pain anymore , I have been able to be without the binder all the time now ( which used to be incredibly painful ) . If I walk around a lot , the top part of it will get a little sore . . . but its nothing crazy . I can again take a shower without taping up my stomach with saran wrap and painters tape . . . thats a huge blessing . Besides having the nurse come every 4 days or so and needing to wear a bandage over the open part , its not hindering me at all . I feel so lucky . On a more important level , spiritually I have been feeling down about how one side of our family has basically dumped us for having Ansen . It 's hard to understand , how and why this could happen . How my sweet baby boy that we all fought so hard for , that fought so hard himself , could be a catalyst for such bitterness and negativity to others . And as positively as I try to live , this has really taken a toll on me at times . But after talking to some other likeminded Christian moms , they have encouraged me and brought me back to the right path . First , I will appreciate that we don 't have to be surrounded by that negativitiy , that we don 't have to allow our kids around that negativity . I need to stop feeling bad that we are excluded from all familiy events , bc even if we did go , it would be a negative environment for us all . God isn 't surprised by any of this . . . he is very well orchestrating the gift of distance to protect our hearts . We have so many blessings in our life , and I need to concentrate on those blessings and continue to let our family shine and be a light of love and purpose . I am not going to let poison that has unfortunately entered our family enter into our own lives anymore . And most importantly , as hard as it is , I will pray for them . Pray that one day they will find their way back on the right path , that they will see Ansen as the blessing that we see every single day . Thank you God . Thank you for the amazing people we ARE surrounded by , both family and friends . Thank you for my sweet , caring husband . And thank you for this . There is my heart , laid out in 6 different forms in this picture . Thank you for each and every one of them . Thank you for the joy and laughter they bring to our lives , and the life lessons they inspire each and every day . Thank you . Posted by being the world 's slowest healer . Thats what my nurse says anyways . So maybe being completely healed in one week isn 't in my cards . I am healing at a snail 's pace here . Haven 't made much improvement in like 5 days . I don 't know why this is for sure , but I have my guesses its bc of two things A . I am not eating enough protein ( I try to eat protein at every meal , but there is only so much protein you can eat before you start feeling like you are eating an Atkins diet ) B . I am breastfeeding and Ansen is stealing a lot of the good stuff from me . Yesterday I tried to fix A . I ate 4 eggs for breakfast . Lots of lean hamburger ( mixed with onion , corn and brown rice ) for dinner . I just don 't know how to get any more protein then this though . I am sick of protein . Been trying to base my diet on protein for 4 months now . Blah . As for B , well its not going to be fixed , for now anyways . Me healing up quicker isn 't worth more to me then Ansen having the extra immunities he needs with his weakened lungs . So if it takes me a month to heal from something that I should heal from in a week . . . . so be it . I had to evict him out before his lungs were ready , and now I need to at least help him stay as healthy as I can , even if it means I will have to deal with this that much longer . You gotta do what you gotta do . * sigh * I am peeking in on my blog , typing with my left hand while holding a baby in my right hand . And I am not wishing my hands were more free at this time . . . greatly appreciate them being busy with baby . My life is insane , so crazy busy and makes you want to pull your hair out at times , but boy do I LOVE being a mom to 6 . Thank you God for my 6 children and for my sweet , loving , hard - working husband . And for all those gorgeous leaves we saw today on our family ride . Feeling so grateful and thankful . Things looking way up ! ! FINALLY ! ! Fluid has decreased and has stopped pooling up in my abdomen since my nurse starting lightly packing it . Got to take my 2nd shower today in about 4 months where I didn 't have to cover my stomach with plastic wrap and tape . I just have a small opening , right where my belly button was , and eerily enough , it looks like a belly button for the time being . Anyways , small update . Time for church ! Posted by Today my nurse was here , taking care of my wound ( visiting nurse time has become a normal part of our schedule after almost 4 months ) and she mentioned that the drainage was a little more greenish brown toda , so of course , I asked if that was bad . And she said " this is nothing like the green you had before , this is an ok green , not like the massive infection , you could have easily gone septic and died green of before " . Of course , now I am just deep in thought . Like having my life threatened once with placenta percreta wasn 't enough , I then had to go get this massive infection that could have easily / silently killed me . I am so thankful that everything turned out in my favor , but it still deeply affects me as I process all this . Its kind of like how you feel if you were standing on a train track and the train stopped RIGHT before it would have hit . . . . like centimeters away . And then you get over the shock of that , only to find yourself on a road , where a truck JUST misses you as well . I used to hyperventilate thinking about my own death one day . And then I had to face the possibilit of it this pregnancy . Not that I look forward to death , I certainly want NOTHING to do with it for a long while yet . . . . but it changes you when you go from thinking you are young and invincible to suddenly realizing that no matter who you are , how you feel , what good you do . . . it can just sneak up on you with lightening speed . And there is nothing you can do to stop it . You can beg and please and try to bargain and cry and pray . . . . but if its your time to go , then thats that . It wasn 't yet my time to go , I have work to still do in this world . It has changed me though . * sigh * . Posted by I am lately thinking back a lot , thinking about this journey . Reflecting . It feels like its been a whirlwind . But the emotions are still right there , just slightly below the surface . I only need to slightly stir up the light dusty top layer , and the memories of it all come flooding back to me . Today I had an ice cream sandwich . Yep , such a significant event . Aren 't we all glad I shared . But the last time I had an ice cream sandwich was when my mother in law brought 2 huge boxes of them . Back when I was pregnant . . Back when I didn 't know what the outcome would be . As I ate that ice cream sandwich , I remember how I felt the last time I ate an ice cream sandwich . Or three . And I got a big lump in my throat . Yep the last time I had an ice cream sandwich , I actually ate three of them in one day . I figured " maybe these will be my last three ice cream sandwiches I will ever have . . . and I will enjoy them til I am sick of them " . Yeah , I know that is gluttony in its finest . And no , they didn 't even taste that good . . . not as good as three ice cream sandwiches SHOULD taste . But thats besides the point . As I sat there today eating my ice cream sandwich , I remembered the fear and the sadness and the trust I had in God that I was doing what was right still . How is it that that moment was like 5 months ago , but suddenly feels like only yesterday when I actually remembered it . I think I will feel those flashbacks forever . Living a life , fearing the unknown , but trusting its path nevertheless . Its a strange feeling . It 's the kind of feeling that catches your throat , makes your shoulders feel like they weigh a million pounds . . . yet your heart remains light and airy and hopeful . Yep , a strange feeling indeed . When I have the time to sit here and quietly reflect on things ( usually car rides at night , when 6 children are soundly snoozing in their carseats in the back ) , my mind ALWAYS brings me back to this one moment of time . Right before surgery . When I was about an hour before finding out what unknown future lay ahead for me . I had kissed my children goodbye that morning , and didn 't know if that was the last time I would see them on Earth . I was sitting in a hospital gown ( would this be the last thing I ever wore ? ) , with two IVS and talks about my central line and arterial line that were going in next , with MANY doctors hustling and bustling all around me . And at this moment , they all walked away in discussion . And I sat there deep in thought and worry . And then there was JOY . Great joy . I felt content and at peace suddenly . And all I could think over and over again was " We WON God . We WON ! ! You WON ! ! " The fact that I had managed to somehow stay strong and make the right decisions at a time when all the wrong decisions would have made my life SOOOOOOOO much easier . That God had wanted Ansen to live and we had fought for his life and now he would live . That we had changed history now . . . . Ansen 's lifepath would be broad and affect many . And it shouldn 't have been , with all the challenges we had faced . Especially those at the beginning of the pregnancy . The inexplicable joy I felt at a time when I should have been screaming out in fear . God was with me at that moment , letting me know He was pleased and proud . I am sure of it . He filled me with that peace and joy . . . the peace and joy that made it possible for me to take the last step and say goodbye to my husband and be put to sleep . And it wasn 't that I was suddenly convinced that I would surely live . Because I wasn 't . But I knew that we had won still , even if I didn 't make it through the surgery , it was STILL a victory . Because I had been able to look Up and seek God , even when I was at the lowest of lows . And I was able to make decisions from the heart and not out of theYou know why this is one of those most joyous moments that I like to fondly think back of ? ? Its not soley bc I am proud of myself ( although I am proud of the clear decisions I was able to make at the foggiest times of my life ) . But really , what made it truly special is that I felt a little bit of God 's heart that day . The joy that poured out of my heart and soul and body as I lay there , waiting for a life threatening surgery was most certainly God inspired and God gifted . 4 months later , I can still feel it on my heart , although its not as strong of a feeling as it was that day , its still just as impressive to me . It gives me a high to think about . Even if I am never allowed that tiny little glimpse into God 's heart again . . . . that scream it from the rooftops , floating in the sky joyous feeling again . . . . well that moment I did have will still be able to sustain me for a lifetime . And when things feel down wound wise , or eating an ice cream sandwich sends one of those feelings right to your gut , well its time for some quiet time . Holding a sleepy baby , closing my eyes , and just reminscing . About the hour before my surgery . That feeling . That joy . We won ! I am still trying to win for you God . Although some days , I most certainly focus too much on my self and my struggles . And I need to let got of the " me " and have more of a team mentality . Our team is winning . I may have contributed one grand winning plan , but the game is STILL on , yesterday , today and tomorrow . And I am still needed to play . The game is far from over ! Off to go snuggle in bed with a sweet , little blondie of mine . Ready to listen to those small whispery breaths of sleep around me , while contemplating my " next move " for the team 's sake , and I might just close my eyes and savor that moment in time , that moment in joy . . . just one more time today . Good night ! FINALLY get to get these darn sutures out . After almost 3 weeks , my skin is rejecting them majorly , and my skin is starting to rip . Wicked cool . My " wonderful " wound care dr didn 't seem too bothered by that fact last week though , * sigh * We will see what he says about the wound fluid and all , Its lessened thankfully , and the bottom of my stomach is much less swollen , but I still have a hole in my stomach , where my belly button used to be . Its opened back up in that area and it goes straight down a good 3 - 4 cm . Kinda discouraging , as I have mentioned before , since this surgery was supposed to end all , not give me another big hole to heal up . 1 step forward , 55 steps back . But whatever . . . what can I do now but just hope and pray that it heals up , and that I can avoid a dreaded abscess again . Still have yellow / tan wound fluid , which makes me nervous , but the fact that it has lessened has given me a * tiny * bit more hope . Emphasis on tiny . We 'll see what happens with this all tomorrow . Ansen has yet another cold . And mysteriously , he is the one to show symptoms first . Where are we getting these things , since we rarely go out in public places these days . Thankfully he seems pretty comfortably and its not including a croupy cough like last time . Today is day 2 ( or is that 3 ) and he sleeps awful at night , wakes up a million times , but I will take take it . Its nice to see him having a normal time with a cold . I cancelled his 4 month appt yesterday bc he was sick and I KNEW they would harrass me that he was perfectly fine to get shots , even with a cold . I hate that they do that . . . . that they make you feel like you are abusing your child if you dare want to wait til your child is healthy before bombarding their bodies with vaccines ( and as it is , I only let them do 2 at a time anyways ) . So much easier to cancel the appt then fight the harassment ! So as soon as I feel he is good and healthy , I will call back and reschedule another 4 month appt . I know they think I am one giant inconvenience , but so be it ! I could care less if he catches up to where he is supposed to be in their one size fits all vaccination schedule . So thats where we are at . Just can 't wait to get these sutures out ! Every time I get up or move , it feels like I am ripping things apart in there . Augh . Will update tomorrow when I hear more from this doctor of mine . Posted by So now I am having large quanities of yellow wound fluid coming out of this small hole in my stomach . And with my lower stomach swollen still . Well , I am getting some major deja vu . This is exactly like what happened with me the first time around . I felt good ( besides incision healing ) , but had this massive amount of wound fluid coming out . And its happening all over again . Do I have a new abscess in there ? ? I am mad and I am sad thinking about the possibility . Mad bc I was supposed to be almost through with this journey and sad bc I am a crappy mom when I am in pain . I have already thought about how the heck I will be able to continue bf ' ing through many more surgeries and pain . And pain = percocet = half with it mom , who plays movies for her kids all day bc I am trying to deal with the effects of the percocet , which I have no option but to take bc the pain is that much WORSE then that . I am homeschooling . This would affect that as well . IT ' S NOT FAIR . But life isn 't fair . I am praying that this doesn 't happen again , it brings me to tears thinking that its a distinct possibility again . But I am helpless , in that I have no control with what my body does with this now . I had a choice to turn down the last surgery . . . . but the dr sold it as the end all surgery , and bc I wasn 't patient enough to wait it out just a little bit longer , I made the wrong choice . My heart screamed not to do it , but my head told me that if I shaved weeks off my recovery , wouldn 't that be swell . And so I went through with it . Today I was sitting in Church , thinking of all this of course . And wondering what God wants of me through all this . Obviously I am supposed to share Ansen 's story . But what role does the potential of extra , extra suffering play in my testimony . Perhaps I haven 't appreciated enough ? Perhaps I haven 't shared enough ? Is this the work of Satan ? No matter how hard Satan * may * play a part in compromising my journey , I will never , EVER utter the words that I wish I hadn 't gone through this . I don 't welcome pain , I don 't welcome sufMelissa My body is pouring out this yellow wound fluid out of that small hole in incision . In wound fluid world , yellow is NOT good . Its supposed to be pinkish , and was up to yesterday . This is JUST LIKE the start of this whole nightmare . Exactly the same . And only a couple weeks after this started last time , I had the CT scan that showed the huge abscess that had formed under my skin . I think this whole disaster is starting all over again , but just a different part of my stomach . My nurse comes in 45 minutes to reassess ( ON HER DAY OFF might I add ) . She is very concerned . And she called my dr and he is like " oh thats allright , its to be expected " . NO , it was not to be expected . When he told me I needed this surgery , he told me I had a 1 - 3 % infection risk , and that he would put the skin together , I would get sutures out in 10 - 14 days . . . and that would be that . He sold me this surgery as the final end . And inside me screamed not to go forward with it . . . I thought it was so weird that I was SOOO uneasy about this surgery . . . but I ignored it bc it was " supposed " to be the end all surgery . I can 't imagine if they end up doing another CT scan , find another abscess , have to debride a new part of my stomach and I start this recovery nightmare ALL OVER AGAIN . It took me 2 . 5 months to get to the point where I was just about healed . I can 't do another 2 . 5 months of new open wounds and pain and all that garbage that comes with it . I dread having my nurse come today . She said if things seemed any worse , she would have to send me to the hospital . She is not happy with my dr at all right now . She was apologizing to me on the phone , telling me she hoped I knew she was trying as hard as she could . She is my only real advocate it seems , and her pleas are falling to deaf ears . It just sucks all around . : ( Life is moving all around me . Kids are running around house and playing like usual . Dressed in their soccer gear . Ansen still eats every 2 hours . Doug needed just a little more sleep . And here I am , deep in my thoughts and worry . If this goMelissa Drainage went from pinkish to yellow / tan ( NOT good ) and the bottom of my stomach below this wound nightmare is now red , swollen and warm to the touch . Nurse thinks that wound fluid has been collecting down there and my body can 't absorb it nor does it have anywhere to get out . Honestly , if I have to get cut open again , in a new spot and heal for many months again , I don 't know if I have the strength to make it through again . I know the pain and the hell I would have to endure , its way too fresh in my memory . Please pray that this can be taken care of more simply . . . somehow . Waiting for nurse to call back once she talks to wound care ( who have been very laid back about this from the start - do they not remember what I have gone through this last 4 months . ) WHY can 't I get a break with this wound ? In 2 days , it will be 4 months since my surgery . I am feeling very lost today . :( : ( I don 't know if its bc of what I went through this last year or what , but I can 't keep my eyes off all the amazing trees , thanking God for the vibrant colors all around me . My new favorite colors are orange and red ! ! ! It takes my breath away ; the bold yet comforting palate all around me . We went for a ride the other day so I could get some of my ( knifty ) knitting done , but I couldn 't keep my eyes off those trees and those amazing autumn leaves . I guess I never really took the time to just take in the beauty of them before . . . always so busy , and so preoccupied by that upcoming winter quickly following fall . This journey of mine has slowed me down , in not so great ways , but also in good ways like this . The fact that I can suck in the splendor of those warm colored leaves , sharing the joy of it all with my SIX kids and my husband - well its an amazing gift . Each day is a gift to me . Those leaves are a gift to me . The cool weather ( that BETTER come back soon ) is a huge gift to me as well ! So incredibly thankful for it all ! Last year at this time , the VERY beginning of Ansen was on its way to being created . He began his journey and fight for life , as I began mine . All around me were these same gorgeous leaves I was too preoccupied to notice . Ansen 's life has been a gift to me , as this journey has been a gift to me . I am a changed person bc of it , and I appreciate that I was given the gift to " see " the world with different eyes . No time to be too busy making plans for tomorrow - each today is a day that needs to be celebrated and savored . And we have our days where I wish for that tomorrow , no worries . . . . but in the grand scheme of life , too many of us spend too much time worrying about the tomorrows , when the todays are the most precious and fleeting . Just like those autumn leaves . I need to take in the beauty of those leaves today , bc tomorrow they might be nothing but a pile of dull , brown leaves on the ground . . nothing but a memory . Thank you God for the beauty of my life , the life of my children and my husband , the beautMelissa Headed off to Church yesterday for my first real Church service since March , when the bleeding and bedrest occured . The pastor mentioned Doug , Ansen and I in the joys and pointed over to us , which was a * tad * bit embarassing of course . I totally appreciated the sermon ( which was actually very fitting bc it was something I had been talking to Doug about this last week - why many not so good people in the world are rewarded with good , rich in every way , easy , lives while there are those of us that are bombarded with all these trying / daunting issues over and over again ) . Weird how that happens how the sermon can just speak to you and answer you in that way ! The music was great like always , and then I had my chance to pray silently and I simply asked God to please help me view / experience whatever journeys I have left in a positive way . I don 't want to feel so bitter and pissy about the way things have gone on . And I think it worked . I came in to church in a foul mood and left with much more hope and positiveness . I can 't dwell on the decisions I wish I had made last , last Friday , but just have to take on any new challenges that we may or may not now face . I have to remember the big picture of it all . The one God can see and I can 't , although I am ALWAYS hoping for just the tiniest peek . Ansen and I are both alive , here together , surrounded by our family and friends . I can 't have things always go my way . . and I need to understand that and just appreciate that more has gone positively then negatively . As I was sitting there in Church , I realized that God most certainly sent my visiting nurse Heather to take care of me through all this . She is mostly a pediatric visiting nurse , but does * some * postpartum stuff . And thankfully she took on my case , and has been through thick and thin with me . She is the one that has done all the hard work - the one that fights every day to continue to keep me infection free and get me healed up . She has 4 closely spaced kids herself , 8 and under . . . and she completely understands what this wound has put me through . I am just so thankful to have her right now . This last week , she has working hard on this new wound inside , trying her best to keep it clean and healthy , hoping really hard that I can heal before any infection can set in . And sometimes I feel bad that she doesn 't get to spend tons of time with her kids because of her work schedule - that people like me keep her from extra time with her family ; but she is most certainly been doing God 's work , helping me and others in the way she does . She has certainly been an angel to me , especially at the lowest of times , always working towards the positive . Thank you God for always caring for me ; even at times when I have felt so alone , I realize that You have others around me to carry on Your work and Your love . Posted by Although I don 't know how many people really read here on a normal basis , I guess this has become my place to rant and rave about how unfair this is . I was hoping that maybe some miracle things would heal up instead of spiral downward . Nurse came today , squeezed a heck of a lot of junk ( aka wound fluid ) out of my abdomen , then took her sterile q tip to measure how far this thing extends to see if there was any improvement . Well of course not , it actually extended FURTHER . This just majorly sucks . I know where this is headed . I have been here before . I think its worse knowing just exactly I would be getting into now , having to have my stomach cut open and debrided , and then dealing with wound packing and changes and I am sure the mention of wound vacs . To have to go through ALL THAT again , for many months . I just want to cry thinking about it . I am praying that it won 't keep heading south . Praying and begging God . The night before , I told Satan to leave me and my family the hell alone ( just in case this is his doing ) . Every day , I am dreading the nurse visits . . . . just waiting for the visit where things change for the worst . Nurse said today that dr said that if I get a temperature or wound fluid changes , I am to head to the hospital . IT ' S NOT FAIR ! ! ! ! I know , I know life isn 't fair . Suck it up Melissa . Get over it . You are alive . And I appreciate that . And I thank God for that just about every moment I remember to . I thank God for Ansen and my other children and Doug and the world around us . I think its cruel though - for me to get to the point where I was feeling normal . . . to the point where everything had healed up but this little , tiny part . . . . to the point where I could see the end in sight . The joy I felt . And now its been replaced my dread . And fear that I might not make it through this a second time , if that 's the journey I am meant to take . : ( At the beginning of the year , I wrote a post about how 2010 was going to be OUR year to shine . And its been everything but that . It 's been the worst year I have actually Posted by In blogs I read , so many people recommended to read the book Radical : Taking Back your Faith from the American Dream . That it would be eye opening / life changing / truly inspirational . Although I agreed with the preface of book , upon reading it ( I have gotten about 1 / 4 way through ) I have found it to very discouraging . So much so , that I don 't want to read anymore at this moment . That God may love you , but he loves Himself more . . . and that in the grand scheme of things , things may and will happen for His ultimate good rather then your own personal good . And I know this sounds like I am being selfish here , wanting my own good here as well , but I have spent 30 years thinking that our good IS also God 's good . Just like if my kids act in a good and riteous way , then I am rewarded with my pride for them . But instead , this book states that in the grand scheme of things , God cares about Himself and His glory first and foremost , and we play second fiddle to that . Of course , wrong book to read when you keep having one thing after another going wrong for you , after acting out in a way that you hope has glorified God and his creation ( Ansen ) . I don 't want a medal here , but I have tried really hard to live the life that I feel God has lead us towards . And I have always had the mindset that God cares deeply for us , and that negative in one aspect will ultimately lead to some other positive aspect later in life . That God can see the big picture when we can 't , and that I solely need to trust Him and do my best to live out a good and faithful life , exemplifying His love for us . But I am beaten down right now . . . and suddenly I start thinking maybe the book is right . What good is all this suffering doing for me ? Have I been forgotten for God 's other newer projects ? Cast aside once God received His glory for Ansen 's story ? I have been through hell and back . I had to go into a surgery , knowing full well that I might be giving up my life for my son 's . . . . that I might not see my other 5 children or my husband or even meet my own baby for a I am sitting here , with my abdomen burning like crazy from both sides ( which is probably bc the inside is filling up with wound fluid , swelling a bit and pulling on sutures - but no worries , it will pour out of the hole I now have as soon as I lay down to go to sleep ) . I love Ansen so much and would never change what I had to do to bring him life bc I truly believe he is meant to be here , but why is it that it seems that in this life , the good are rewarded with bad and the bad are rewarded with good . If I had terminated his pregnancy , my health would be great , our finances would be dramatically better ( weeks / months off and FMLA have pretty much left us behind on everything , with little hopes of catching up til tax time ) . And perhaps I could have gone on to have a less troubling pregnancy after the fact . But that is not what I chose , bc I don 't believe God creates any life as a mistake . I don 't ask to be rewarded with money and gifts for all I have been through , all I want and have begged for is my health back . I want a closed abdomen ( that is truly closed and not just closed at the surface ) . That is all I ask . I feel like any other issues we deal with in life ( money issues and such ) are petty in comparison to this . I don 't have the kind of life that affords me 4 + months to recover from surgery . The meals stopped coming to our house the day I delivered Ansen , there are no helpers assisting us with the daily tasks of keeping this house running anymore ( and that does not even include cleaning , which I gave up on a long time ago ) . I can 't keep going through infections and surgeries and pain when I have 6 children that count on me as the stay at home parent . Doug is a few call outs from being fired from his job at this point - he has used any and all time off he could , as well as all his allotted FMLA . I am having a hell of a time keeping up with our homeschooling bc of this nightmare . . . and I love teaching my children . When I am not dealing with nurse visits and doctor appts and surgeries and wound fluid pouring out of myI was * this * close to the end with this wound , really excited and feeling like FINALLY some things might start looking up for us ( or at least evening out ) . And then my wound dr tells me I need surgery to close up remaining , I trust him as the professional here , and now I will pay for it with another month or two of healing / pain / uncomfortableness . Where is the good in this situation ? What could it possibly be leading me towards that would make this a worthy experience . It feels more like a torture - brought to my breaking point over and over again - only to be strung along slightly to make me think we might be turning a corner , only to crash hard again . And again . And again . So should I continue reading up more about this Radical God , in this supposedly life changing book . Am I supposed to accept that I am nothing more then a chess piece in this game of life , and the loss of my piece is of little detriment to God ? I don 't know . Like I said , I started reading this book bc I do believe so many people have made the American dream the focus of their life , putting God on the back burner til a " later " time . I don 't question that this world has too many people focusing their lives wrongly on materialistic whims . I love a good shopping trip as well as anyone ( good sale = the ultimate shopping high ) , but I have really tried to be more cautious on putting material things ahead of our spiritual path . I do try to act in a way that pleases God as well . And I have always been a believer that God will test your faith at one point or another , to see if you can stand strong when the going gets tough ( to weed out those that talk the talk , but won 't walk the walk when the going gets tough ) . Did I not pass the first 10 tests though ? ? Is that why we are at where we are at . Have I been forgotten ? Or is this all the work of Satan ? ? Or what ? I just don 't know , but it just plain sucks . And not finding my supposedly inspirational read all that inspiring at the moment . . . . . Like our ongoing back luck would have it , things have turned south again . Figures . You know , I just don 't know how much more I can take of all this . Why is everything so hard ? When can I stop going through the hard ? ? ? ? ? It 's sad but today , I am starting to wonder if I did something along the way to that really displeased God , bc it just doesn 't seem fair we can 't get a break . I am feeling broken . : ( Last night I went to bed like usual . I have been a bit more sore then at surgery , but everything looked great on incision still . At 1 am , Ansen woke me up to eat and upon sitting up , I noticed my shorts and bed were SOAKED . I was frantically scrambling to find my phone so I could what was all over me , I was terrified that it was blood . Finally I found and turned on my phone , and then found that it was a bloody fluid that was streaming out of the bottom of my sutured abdomen . I threw a pad on it and fed the baby bc he was really starting to scream by then , then went to further investigate it . I had soaked that pad in like 15 minutes and I was kind of freaking out , since Doug was at work and it was just me and the kids . I taped two more abdominal pads over it and tried to go back to sleep , feeling very sick and worried about it . My nurse came this morning , pressed on my abdomen and fluid started and kept pouring out again . She took this special long , sterile qtip , and stuck it in to where the fluid was coming out . Yeah , I have a hole IN my abodomen . My last surgery before this one , I came out of my debridment with a hole that was 6 cm deep and 9 cm long . Well she measured and I now have a hole INSIDE me , covered by my sutured skin , that is 7 . 5 cm deep and 10 cm long . Since most of my skin is now closed , its pooling up inside me and then pouring out when it gets full . How awesome is that ? ? So basically I have this HUGE risk of infection again , due to this fluid sitting around too long and getting infected . Nurse is waiting for a call back from dr , but its looking like they will have to pack this giant hole inside me to keep it from not draining and getting infected , but all through this tiny hole left in my abdomen ? Anyone remember how my whole infection started ? ? A tiny hole in my abdomen from surgery , where stuff collected up within me , became infected and just ATE right through all my healthy tissue . I can 't believe I have gone through all this , just to be right back here . WHY did I go through with that last surgThis sucks . Plain old fricken sucks . No filters today on my language . . . . It 's just not fair ! ! ! I went through hell and back to bring Ansen to this world . CAN I GET A BREAK NOW . . . . PLEASE ! ! ! Just waiting to hear back from my nurse as to whether we will start packing again , whether I will get to start having twice a day nurse visits ( which would mean I would have to see that horrible night nurse again who gave me grief about going out in the van for rides - supposed to be 100 % homebound , no ands , ifs or buts . Whatever . It all makes sense . . . you know , sense in the world that has been my life for too long - since spring was ruined , summer was ruined , why not fall be ruined as well . No rest for the weary . * cry * Dear Dr . Healey ; Well here is a letter a long time coming . I have thought about exactly what I would want to say to you after all was said and done many , many times before . How grateful I would be . But I don 't even think a simple thank you can express what I feel . Last November , my new ob / gyn looked at my 6 week ultrasound and said " you have no other choice but to terminate this pregnancy " . She assured me I could have another one , that this one was simply " a bad one " . I was horrified . And I didn 't agree right away to her insistance that I terminate , nor did I go about picking a method of termination that she then began to describe . And maybe bc of my look of horror , she did finally give your office a call to be sent in for a stat ultrasound at your office . As I left her office , numb and in shock - all I could do was to call out to God to please give me some glimmer of hope at this appointment . For God to give me ANYTHING but this . It didn 't have to be much , but I couldn 't face being told again that I had to end my baby 's life . I went in , had my ultrasound , and then a maternal / fetal doctor came in to talk to me . He told me that he didn 't suspect that baby had implanted INTO c - section scar like other ob / gyn had diagnosed . But that he was very sorry , it looked like I was almost guaranteed a miscarriage , that sac was detaching and dropping - immenent miscarriage signs . It still didn 't look good , but it wasn 't the worst that it had been only hours before . This doctor spoke with a kindness and offered a sincere condolence . And he told me to make an appointment a week after to see what had resulted . This doctor was you . I don 't know if you remember this , but it stands out to me , bc it was the moment that my baby was given the tiniest glimmer of hope . I would leave the hospital with a baby that was still alive . Although it surely appeared fleeting , it meant that he could live , even if was only just a little while longer . I didn 't have to make a choice to end one of God 's creations , something I didn 't think I would ever trulyPosted by AUGH . I went to my wound care appt yesterday and bc the two sides ending up healing on two very different planes , its going to take A WHILE for it to be able to meet up . The dr recommended surgery to fix that and finally close it all for good . Of course , the first thing I asked was about how much infection risk this surgery would be . Very minimal , like 1 - 3 % chance . He wants to open up the whole thing ( but just skin - not my insides this time ) and fix the entire thing . Augh . So I figured I had time to think about this . I asked my nurse this morning , and she is just nervous about infection like I am . Figured I had some time , with so much to think about . JUST got a call that surgery has been scheduled for . . . . . . . . TOMORROW . Blah . I feel sick . I am not looking forward to cutting the skin open again . Not looking forward to pain . Or a whole stomach of sutures . Not looking forward to losing all the mobility I finally have again . I am so scared of any risks . I am nervous about potential for infection . Should I just wait it out another month plus , for this to heal on its own . Or have this surgery , and * hopefully * from what I have been told , have the whole area sutured up finally , no holes in my abdomen , no more packing needed , no more daily nurse visits necessary , and 2 weeks from now , I would get sutures out and all would be healed and that would that . Sounds tempting of course . Just worried . You would think I would be an old pro by now . . . . five surgeries later . Whats another , right ? ? But it still worries me . I hate being put to sleep . And I don 't have time to be out of commission anymore . Here 's hoping everything goes off tomorrow without a hitch ( if I don 't change my mind and run away from the whole thing by tomorrow . . . . ) Blah . Its been easy for me to feel so proud of what I fought for and how it all turned out . But in reality , I need to give the glory of it all to God . . . and sometimes I think I am giving myself too much credit and not giving God enough . My faith was what taught me how important Ansen 's little life could be back at 6 weeks when I was told to terminate and my faith gave me the strength to continue on day after day . . . . during the toughest of times . Everyone says " you were so strong , how did you do it ? " Well without God , I would have surely failed . I would have thought of only me , me , me . . . . and perhaps I would have found that none of this would be in my best interest . But instead , I appreciated and valued that God had created Ansen 's little life for a reason . . . . and He didn 't create it , only to hand over the right for me to end that life . I knew I had to fight for him , bc who am I to say I personally know more then God 's will . God 's will lead us down many roads we didn 't want to travel , but I wouldn 't be the person I am today if I hadn 't trudged along the most difficult of travels . And all the time , I was never truly alone . It 's a good feeling to know you have God on your side . I am so grateful that God granted us this last little life . . . . so blessed to have these 6 lives now to mold and shape into the people He wants them to be . I need to remember to give God thanks every hour of every day for the world around us / the people around me / for what we are lucky enough to have . I need to thank God for this changing weather , for the cool weather we are welcoming with open arms , for the pumpkins and the changing leaves and the tights and the sweatshirts and the scarecrows and soccer and a new baby that gets to see fall for the first time , myself getting to experience another fall ( at times this last year I wasn 't sure if that would be my future ) , as well as a husband and 5 other excited children , that are giddy with excitment for fall . I am thankful for another year to homeschool my children . . . another year to teach them and learn so much myself from their young , innocent minds . All of this brought to our family by God . Posted by Now that the wound bed is close to having filled itself in ( a two plus month process ) , I am increasingly impatient for it to just finish its healing . Seems to have MAJORLY slowed down now . I am starting to contemplate getting a protein supplement , bc I don 't know if I am taking in enough for me with this growing , eating all the time baby of mine ( who weighs in at over 13 lbs now - go Ansen ) . Once the wound bed is completely filled in , then it will be a normal injury like if you cut open your knee . . . . it won 't need to be packed , and the skin will be able to find its way back together . My visiting nurse said its going to be a THICK scar the way its healing . I felt it for the first time ( the top healed part ) and I gotta admit its kinda creepy . First of all , its completely numb . . . . absolutely no feeling whatsoever . Have had numb areas before , can 't feel the whole bottom of my stomach bc of number of c - section . But then its all hard too . . . . like doesn 't feel human at all , much more like something synthetic . The scar tissue is very dense and fibrous from all the cutting and healing , cutting and healing it had to do , over and over again . This thing is at least 14 cm long , its just going to be freaky having this hard , numb feeling for the majority of my belly for the rest of my life ( especially when one is used to a nice soft , squishy belly haha ) . But what can I complain about , right ? I am here , alive , for my babies and Doug , and Ansen is here with us as well . Thankfully this body isn 't forever . . . . although I would like to keep it for another 50 years if possible . My belly might be creepy and not something I ever want to touch or look at again , but I have 6 good reasons that will help keep my mind off my bellybutton - less stomach . 6 good reasons why it was all worth it . I would do it all again , for any of my children . We live in a world where its ingrained that you should put yourself and your appearance first and foremost . And although , I want to be healthy obviously , I have given up on having a pretty stomach . . . . in fact , I haPosted by Sweet relief . I got some pictures taken of all kids together , and its such a nice AHHHHHHHHHHHHH feeling to see all 6 of the children we were meant to have , together in our pics . Nobody is missing . Everyone is there . Last year , we got pics taken of the girls together and the boys together , and when I looked at the pics , someone was still missing and it made me sad every time I looked at them . I never did put them up , bc it just didn 't feel right yet . And now that everyone is here . . . together . . . . I just can 't wait to get these pics UP on the wall , to stay for a LONG time ! ! ! This is MY family , all the children that we were meant to raise . Our family of 8 . It makes me giddy that we are FINALLY all together , safey . Here are the proofs of my AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH pics . : ) Thank you God for completing our family , and getting Ansen and I both through this pregnancy safely . I could thank you every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year , and it still wouldn 't be enough thank yous . SO grateful for my beautiful family . . . and the chance I have to raise them , teach them , hug them , and love them ! the nonstop eating of my boy , and what many times feels like nonstop cranking out until he is eating , he has had some moments to show off his newest accomplishment - the SMILE ! ! ! His smile makes my heart sing - nothing like seeing this gift from God smiling at me , reminding me of how worthy this battle has been . Not a day goes by that I don 't appreciate what a miracle he is to me and our family ! I brought him in to pedi early this week , thinking he might be starting to have thrush , but was told that it was instead cysts on his gums . They haven 't spread , so maybe the dr " was " right ( I didn 't believe him at first and was waiting for thrush to start spreading like crazy . ) When Ansen got weighed , he weighed close to 12 lbs . Considering he weighed 10 bs , 6 oz 11 days earlier , I now have a pretty good idea of why he has been eating like a fiend , day after day , hour after hour . He eats VERY often all day now , and once 8 pm hits , he falls into a deep coma and sleeps for 6 - 7 hours . As exhausting as the nonstop eating is , I realize its for a worthy cause , and I appreciate that my nursing days are numbered . This IS my last baby and I am going to miss all this one day ( right ? ? haha ) Wound wise , my primary visiting nurse came back from her 11 day vacation , and she said my wound looks fabulous , its much shorter and much of it is just superficial now . She thinks it won 't be " packable " for much longer ( there is only one deep spot left , where my belly button used to be . . . and thats only 2 . 5 cm deep ) . When my wound is too shallow to pack , then we will have to change my treatment plan to just having it covered and washing it off daily with showers . I could go for that ( since right now to take showers , I have to use saran wrap and tape to tape up bandages and its actually not all that fun / I am certainly not willing to take daily showers but of course way more fun then the NO showers I was allowed with wound vac ) . My nurse also changed me to once a day ( vs the twice a day I have had for like a month ) . It is so nice not to have to worry about night visiting nurses coming . Makes me feel a little bit more normal ! I thought about posting a pic here on my blog of it now ( vs . before ) but truthfully , I haven 't looked at it once myself ( except for when it had the wound vac sponge in it way back when ) . I just prefer not to see it , but I have Doug tell me all about it after . I might have Doug take a pic now and save it , and then when iPosted by I have had quite a few visiting nurses that are all gung ho about how wonderful the wound vac is , lamenting over the fact that I don 't have one on . There is one especially that would be put in on right this second if I asked her . Every time I see her , she is all about the wound vac , telling me how I need it back on right away and why don 't I have it on and why isn 't my primary nurse advocating for it . I tried to explain the issues I had in the past with it , but she said everything looks so pink and healthy in there now and that means it should be put back on , preferably NOW . Mmmmhmmmmm . It looked pink and healthy after each of the first 5 surgeries I had as well . And then they would put that wound vac on , and within a week ( usually less ) , my wound was filled with deep layers dead , yellow tissue that necesitated another debridement . And those debridements would remove many cms deep of tissue , each and every time . So I would start to heal / have it all taken out / start to heal / have it all taken out . After the last debridement , my wound was 6 cm deep again ( ike it had been from the start a month ago ) . In the last 3ish weeks since I have had the wound vac off , my wound has healed to less then half the size , all the tissue has remained pink and healthy , any little areas that starting looking " off " were taken care of immediately with use of the Dakins solution , and best of all , I haven 't needed another debridement . No surgeries in almost a month . . . . . its been glorioius ! And I would want to put the wound vac on . . . . . . why ? ? ? ? I am so glad my primary nurse is on the same page as I am in regards to wound vac . I only have these wound vac crazy nurses once or twice a week and its exhausting to try to explain why the wound vac may not be in my best interest ( and then I am alway assured that that was then , and this is now . . . and it will heal up quicker with it - so better get it on asap of course ) . Yeah , I heard that before . My primary nurse advocates on my side about it , bc she saw the very bad I had to deal with it . She doesn 't undep . s . last night , I was watching one of my fav . shows , Boston Med , and when I went into my 2nd opinion and met with a dr . who told me that I should try going without the wound vac and see if I have any improvements ( take a wound vac break ) . . . well he was on Boston Med , assisting with the first ever face transplant in New England ) . CRAZY ! ! ! Posted by Do I need any more proof ? ? When I put Ansen down ( in the moments that I might need to use the bathroom , make something { easy } for dinner , etc ) , its a mad dash in regards to who gets to pick up Ansen . The kids are absolutely smitten with him , and usually a fight will break out over how Kylie held him 9 times , but Caden only held up 7 , whereas Elise held him 8 times . . . . yes , they keep track all day ! ! ! Every one in this family appreciates that Ansen is a gift to us , and it makes my heart burst with joy when I see my bigger kids chilling out , with Ansen cozily snuggled in their arms . He feels their love . He feels all our love . He is surrounded by love . When I started this whole journey , I didn 't fully comprehend how it would affect us , adding this last baby to our family . Despite our challenges throughout the whole experience ( and boy have there been challenges , to this day ) , Ansen is the dessert to our family , a sweet , delicate , savory dessert . I can 't get enough of him . Doug can 't get enough of him . The kids can 't get enough of him . We are in love . Its been hard , we have had many obstacles ( 23 days of NICU and 3 subsequent hospitalizations for me after the fact being the main ones ) and I have stayed strong with it , despite many times I felt that quitting would be the much easier option for me . I have been told that healing might be slowed down by nursing and that I should really consider quitting just for that fact as well . I have wanted to quit more times then I can count . It 's not easy pumping for a NICU baby for weeks . It 's not easy feeding a baby while suffering an immensely painful wound and every position feels like torture . . . when pain at wound is so intense , you can do little but grip the handle of the bed / arm of couch and hope some pain will subside SOON ( all while nursing a hungry little person that doesn 't understand the pain his mama is in . It 's not easy nursing a baby when you can 't move easily and are on what feels like too much for too long percocet and ibuprofen daily . Its not easy nursing a baby when you start wondering IF your wound is hindering healing / IF it could be a possibility that not enough milk is being produced bc of wound . Its not easy nursing a baby on demand 24 / 7 , with 5 other children 7 and under at home . None of it has been easy , I have had so many doubts . And then I see this pic I took today . And my doubts are erased . My worries are eased . My wound IS healing . AND my baby is chunking up - LOOK at those kissable , chunky thighs of his ! ! ! My sweet baby boy is sleeping about 6 hours in a row at night . Its been so hard , and now I am getting to the rewarding part . I wanted to quit so many times , but then I reminded myself that this is it since you can 't have surprise babies after hysterectomies . There would be no more babies to nurse . No more opportunities to get this chance back . I felt like everything was going wrong , against being able to nurse , but still I kept on going , pumping when I couldn 't feed my baby in the NICU , pumping when I couldn 't be with my baby , having someone bring my baby to the hospital so I could nurse , pumpingPosted by Not all the time , but many times , I mourn a lot of things . I mourn the loss of a last normal pregnancy . I mourn being pregnant and actually being excited about it without that feeing of dread I had this whole pregnancy . I mourn the hopefu positive birth experience I had hoped would erase my memories of the twins not so swell birth . I mourn that I didn 't take any pregnant pics of myself this pregnancy , just bc of the negativity surrounding me . I mourn not buying anything with excitement before baby came ( all bc I didn 't believe he would actually make it here safely most of the time ) . I mourn not holding my baby for over a week after he was born . I mourn not being normal yet . . . still . . . . 9 weeks after his birth . I mourn the normal things of going out and living life like a normal person . I mourn the loss of my uterus at times ( although I do not want anymore children ) , but MUCH more often mourn the loss of my belly button ( even though I didn 't particularily care for it when I had it ) . But when I feel down and mourning this or that , I remind myself that all of these combined are much easier to cope with then the thought of Doug and the kids mourning my loss . Every day I am grateful for the gift of life I still am able to enjoy . And it means more to me then shopping trips and belly buttons . These days are especially hard at times ( to be still recovering at 9 weeks ) , but each and every one is still a blessing . You don 't realize how good the worst of days are until you have to face the possibility of the end of your days . I was sitting there thinking the other day about the hardest moment of my life . The day of my surgery , when I was wheeled into the operating room , and I was breathing in that oxygen , waiting / dreading being put to sleep and I had no idea if those moments were to be my last conscious moments on Earth . And I think of that time as a time of beauty , although I mourn not having a * normal * birth , the love I felt for Ansen and my faith in God , giving me the strength to move on through my fear was bigger and morePosted by I kinda go back and forth on my mood and it seems like I have a lot of " feel sorry " moments that I try to avoid posting on here . I hate to complain bc I have so much to be thankful for . When I faced this surgery all I asked G od was to keep me alive for Doug and my children and God answered my prayers . Although I feel like a prisoner to this neverending wound , I am still so lucky bc things could have been much worse for me . And I can 't complain about Ansen and the monitor and 02 for the cars and the meds , bc he shouldn 't even be here in the first place after all he has gone through . But I would be lying if I didn 't say that I missed my old life . I miss being able to go out with my kids , I miss grocery shopping and parks and Costco , and just about everything else in the world I can 't experience while sitting in the house , on this darn couch . The night visiting nurse is on my case ( honestly , I think he is a touch psychotic ) that I am to remain 24 / 7 homebound or he is going to report me to my insurance company and I will lose my visiting nurse care . Makes me feel like a prisoner . Like a felon when I leave the house to * gasp * go on a ride . And its not fair that I have to live like this , after all I have already had to go through this last 2 months . Can I please START to resume a normal life here now ? ? ? I put in my 2 months of hell , I just want to be able to enjoy the " normals " again , only this time with my SIX kids . When I sneak out of the house to do something normal ( like go to my brothers for a cookout ( where I am a good girl and do little but sit in a chair and feed the baby ) , I feel so happy and free and normal . But those days are far and few between for now , since I have to make sure I am somewhat homebound . . . . I don 't want to risk losing my visiting nurses , bc this is still a little bit more then we can care for . * sigh * Its all so difficult , this whole thing has been difficult , and maybe I am just a difficult * invalid * . On the Ansen news , he is now 10 . 5 lbs , still eating all the time during the day and sleeping a good 6 + hour stretch at night . Seems really early for him to be doing that , but I will take it . He also gave me his first real smile today . Made me forget how abnormal I still am right now . . . . well at least for a few moments anyways . Gosh I love my baby boy , and I love my other five children so much . I just want to give them back our old life . And I want it back myself . Hopefully wound keeps healing as well as it is , its just a big wound and going to take quite some time yet . God , please grant me the patience to get through the rest of this sanely . Posted by So dressings have gone REALLY well for me ( vs the wound vac ) . A couple times so far , a smell has started and we were able to get rid of it right away with a dressing soaked in Dakins ( bleach and baking powder solution ) . The smell is usually indicative of some kind of bacteria , and the Dakins kills it quickly and efficiently , whereas with the wound vac , it would all marinate in there for days , seeminly killing my good tissue in that timeframe ( since wound vac sponges are only changed every 2 / 3 days , whereas dressings are changed twice a day ) . My wound looks FABULOUS after 11 days after surgery , which is record for me . I am very happy with all that , although the wound vac people keep calling my nurse , telling her that I " need " that wound vac back on right now . Blah , whatever . Above my wound , they stitched some skin together that is unfortunately not holding up as well . The stitches are ripping through my skin bc the skin is held together so tightly ( a result from having so much skin and tissue taken out the last 5 debridments ) . The bottom stitch ( on top half ) is just barely there now . Holding on to the tiniest bit of skin left . My nurse told me to make it hold on , bc she has ordered me an abdominal binder to wear around my middle . The binder will take the pressure off those stretched areas and help them heal better . So I have been trying to get up / move around without using my stomach at all . . . . let me tell you that getting up out of a chair not using your middle is almost impossible . It takes a lot of effort . Ansen is still my snuggle bug . He has started having a cranky hour or two starting at about 630 , and even nursing does little at those moments . The boy can SCREAM ! ! The only things that seem to help him is someone walking him around for 2 hours ( which my mother in law actually enjoys doing ) or going for a car ride . I prefer doing the car ride , but Doug works most nights at that time . * sigh * And my mother in law is only over about once a week at that time , so most nights , I just kinda have to deal with the screaThe kids still absolutely adore him and its always a fight as to who can hold him next . Kylie was holding him sleeping on her chest this morning , then Elise changed his diaper and outfit , while he calmly / serenely stared up at her , letting her do whatever she needed to . Then Gavin helped give him his med bottle and " bur burp " him . Then Caden was holding him for a few minutes . This baby boy of mine is well loved ! These sweet moments remind me of how worthy this wound is . It hasn 't been easy , but its 110 % been worth it for sure . Posted by I hemmed and hawed about going for that 6th baby of mine . I did NOT want to go through another pregnancy and risk anything , when I had so much to lose . I just felt danger when I thought of another pregnancy ( for good reason it appears ) . And some days I convinced myself to be happy with the 5 I had . I was sure of it . But then this little bit of doubt would creep in , as I would imagine this little person added to our family ; this little soul kept pestering me , and I couldn 't stop thinking about the reward at the end , and then I would become unsure again . Perhaps if I thought more positively , things could go more positively and I could bring this last little person in the world ? But it felt like danger . Back and forth , back and forth , back and forth I went . I have NEVER felt that way for any of my other children . When I saw that positive pregnancy test , I was filled with joy AND fear . Wondering what the heck I had gotten mysef into . . . . . and if it would be worth it . And after all this nightmare , after all the tears and heartache and paralyzing fear and sadness and pain and bedrest and NICU and hospital stays and surgeries and just plain craziness related to this pregnancy , I only have one thing to say . HE WAS WORTH IT . Every tear and every fear . Every surgery so far and in the future . Its strange to look at one of your children and know that you almost convinced yourself not to have him . And then you almost were convinced to terminate him . And then you almost lost him again to miscarriage . And then you almost had to deliver him at 26 weeks ( which knowing his crappy lung status at 36 weeks , is terrifying to consider now ) . He shouldn 't be here . Anyone who had half a brain would probably have stopped while they were ahead . But I followed my heart , hoped and prayed really hard , and we have not had an easy go of it for sure . But he is here . I just want to burst into tears when I consider him NOT being here with us right now . Not seeing the sweet little faces he makes , how he stares so intently at us , it feels like he is st2 years ago , I didn 't know if it would ultimately happen . I didn 't know if we could let that last baby in our hearts into our life . Thank you God for the courage He gave us to give it a try , and to move forward every time it seemed like we had nowhere to go but down . It certainly hasn 't been an easy journey . But worthwhile ? Oh yes . I would do it all again in a heartbeat , just to bring him into our lives again ; to complete our family , to see that joy in my children 's faces , to see him cuddled in the arms of alll the family and friends that love and appreciate his little life as much as we do , to hear those little content sighs as Ansen lays snuggled into me . 2 years ago , I didn 't know what true hardship was , nor did I know what true joy could feel like . And now . . . . . . we do . These surgeries are getting OLD ! ! This one was actually located in a new wing of the hospital , called " daystay " . It was pretty nice there , compared to the rest , down in bottom floor of hospital . As I was being put to sleep the anesthesiologist told me to relax , that I was breathing " Hawaiian air " . Its funny that I was terrified of being put under general anesthesia , yet here I am . . . . haing had to have to general 6 times now since June 3rd . I am practicaly a pro now . When I woke up , it was definately 2 percocet worthy of pain . Headed home to be with my family , knowing that I had to spend the next day alone with the 6 kids , recovering from this , since Doug has used up ALL his time now . The next day ( yesterday ) , the visiting nurse came and she measured . Wound went from 17cnX7cm to 12cmX4 cm . It also went from 2 cm deep to 6 cm deep , thanks to all the debridding . Gosh , I hate the word and I hate what they do . They use scissors and scalpels and pretty much chop and slice any bad tissue away until its nothing but red beefy looking stuff . The heathy stuff . So they closed up a substantial amount of this BUT its covering basically nothing but a hole right now . . . . they say that tissue will fill up and in now , eventually to top of skin that they closed . I wonder how long this will take . I keep eating my protein , drinking my water and trying to rest as much as I can . Was really hard to rest yesterday with Doug being gone and the kids being PSYCHO . I know they are just sick of this all , as sick as I am of it all . I had to take quite a few percocet yesterday and I was so drowsy and the kids were acting so badly . . . . the morning was very overwhelming . I finally got the twints to nap , and Ansen to nap in my lap . . . . had 3 big kids turn on a movie , and I was able to lay back and actually rest for a few minutes . Thankfully , my friend Jenn came over for the afternoon , to distract my psychotic kids and give me something to make the afternoon go by faster . It was a LONG day , filled with lots of percocet . And then Heather ( visiting nurse ) came back and said that one part of stitches looked like it was being really stretched ( like that part could let go ) and that I REALLY needed to rest as much as possible ( which she admitted was the impossible task with all the kids ) . I have been really trying not to stress my stomach much , and I am hoping that part doesn 't look any worse this morning . This morning I woke up with no pain meds in my system and I wasn 't in tears / clutching the arms of couch kind of pain , so that was nice . Definately still painful but some pain has subsided since yesterday . Might be able to alternate percocet and ibuprofin . . . the straight up percocet all day makes me so nauseous . I am alone with all the kids again - Doug is taking a fire physical exam . like an hour away . Can 't wait til he is home , so I can really rest . . . but still many hours to go til he gets here . Ansen will only sleep in my arms now . . . I might have created a monster . . . . but at the moment , its easier to have him right there anyways , so that I can take care of him without having to move around too much . Right now , he is napping curled up on my left side . As long as he is on me , all is right with his world and he will peacefully sleep for hours . Throughout all this , no matter how difficult things have been , I have yet to look at Ansen and wish for the easier road . He was totally worth it . This journey has indeed majorly sucked at times ( most of the time ) , I am sick of being in pain , tired of operation after operation , just longing for a " normal " life again . But then I look at Ansen , and he was most certainly meant to be here . He completes our family and he completes my heart . I am not in an easy place right now at all , but Ansen has his life bc of it and his life blesses / enriches my life so much . Just have to keep enjoying my blessings , throughout all the difficult moments ( especially through pain - thats one of my biggest hurdles right now ) . I just want to heal now and move on . I am hoping that our trial without wound vac will prove to be more helpful to my healing . Right now , Heather is packing the inside of this with sterile gauze and saline , twice a day . Here 's hoping my tissue is not hindered by any more more dead stuff in there and it can grow , grow , GROW and fill in those areas that need to be filled in . What a blessing it will be to one day have an intact stomach again . I get giddy thinking about it . * Thank you God , for helping me live through this all , so that I could still enjoy and cherish the world and people around me . . . . all I ask now is to PLEASE help my body heal now . Thank you . * Child of God , redeemed by Jesus , wife and best friend of Douglas , and mommy and teacher to Kylie , Elise , Caden , Gavin , Rylan , and Ansen . Ansen 's journey getting here was nothing short of a miracle , complicated by placenta percreta ; and was initially chronicled in this blog . Life is still throwing us surprises each and every day and our journey of faith continues on .

If you 're new to this blog , you may not have met my little friend Bambi , ( you can click her name to read the story ) who lives with my very intelligent friend on the other coast . I thought to celebrate the lazy days of summer now kicking in to high gear , I 'd introduce you to Bambi 's brother , " Pumpkin . " I 'm actually not sure if Pumpkin is a boy or girl , but we 'll just assume he is a he . His eyes look that way to me . I think Pumpkin has the right idea for spending an afternoon in the sunshine . Those silly birds don 't need this bird bath . And how about that finger ? It reminds me of my mother . I 'd say 75 % of the photos she took had a cute little edge of " Mama 's Touch " included . And I 'm only pointing this out because Pumpkin 's Mama is blond and we tease each other about our blondness ( neither one of us is a natural blond , though . - ARE WE ? ) . On this lazy day , raise your glass of sweet tea and relax . Here 's to summer ! Here they are , JJ and Honey , flying right up to the sky . And I filmed it all on our handy - dandy digital camera ! I made sure everything fit in the screen , " Just Right . " Now you can imagine , with the difficulty I have in simply creating froth for my morning coffee , how amazed I am by this photo . My cousin out in the wilderness sent it to me a few weeks ago along with a collection of other delightful coffee creations . This is something ! It 's from a restaurant in Vancouver , but I don 't have the name of it . So if you live there , please find it and go say hi for us down here in Sunny . Thank you ! My good new friend , Elaine and I were chatting yesterday and discussing how fun it would be to get our bloggy buddies together sometime . This anonymity does have its drawbacks . But we do need to be careful online . Not amongst those we know we can trust , but Dateline has brought many things to our attention and some of them are oh so frightening . So just a word here , " Be careful . " How in the world did I go there from a cute cup of coffee ? ? Not sure . But it must be something someone needs to be reminded of today . Now back to the completely frivolous : Dear Joy at Joy of Desserts passed on this beautiful award to me . If you 've not yet visited her blog , oh my ! You have missed some wonderful posts . She is the cook I will be in heaven . Maybe . Will any of us cook ? Maybe we all will and we 'll all be as gifted as Joy is here . hmm . So it 's with pleasure I 'm passing along this award to five blogs which I find truly delightful . Please visit them as I would not recommend them if they did not deserve a Grande Mocha Carmellito with whipped cream on top . Linda at 2nd Cup of CoffeeLiz at Kentucky BoundAmy at Life and Times of Life at HomeAmy - Faith at Faith Hope Love MamaJon at Stuff Christians Like ( He doesn 't seem to be the type to accept a silly award , but I want to give him this free commercial . ) And just because I want to , I 'm giving this award to one more friend , Elaine . Her posts should be published in a book . She shares amazingly deep and beautiful writing . And her name really is Elaine . Honest truth . Good stuff . Elaine at Peace for the Journey . No " Cafe Mama Sugar Sprinkle Joy " for a pseudonym . . . We had a delightful day yesterday . Our good friends from Texas stopped by to spend a few hours . They 're here to take care of some life change matters with estate issues , final accounting , transfer of deeds . All those difficult grown - up words . . . When we knew they were actually on their way , I called to see if they had a preference - - - shall we relax at home or is there somewhere you 'd like to go eat that you 've missed horribly since you made the move out to the Big Country ? There was not really more than a polite pause - - - " LET ' S GO OUT ! " Ah yes . I " order well . " Just jokin ' , I know they would eat my cooking if I made them . . . Anyway . . . . we went to Mimi 's which we all enjoy . DJ says it 's a bit of an old people 's place , but we like it , so maybe we 're old now . Ordering was really comical . Somehow DJ thought our friend Gigi had called the waitress " Muffin " as he was studying the menu when she was ordering and she was actually just delighted they had the seasonal lemon cheesecake muffin as an option . The waitress was a very sharp young lady named " Blythe . " It seems to me that young ladies named Blythe should be studying in the UCLA library , not taking your order for low - fat blueberry or carrot spice , but we had a lot of fun with her . JJ was along . He was not calling her " Muffin . " Let 's just make that clear . Obviously , there were five of us - - - at a table designed for four . If you 've ever been to Mimi 's , you know that they give you a five inch round plate for each pat of butter . The table was crowded . And three of the five of us are left - handed . You 're getting the picture . The tight squeeze and stacks of plates only contributed to our constant laughter . I would not allow one of us to order liver . That is just not right . Liver is something your mother makes you eat when you look pale . It should not be ordered for a special treat . To conclude , we requested dessert , then changed our minds because we decided on the dessert sampler . ( What a lovely option ! ) So Gigi 's husband went off to find Blythe in the kitchen . You can imagine Grins and Hugs , Mama , where 's the sunshine ? ? I 'm tired of reading . . . . It 's been a gloomy Memorial week - end here in Sunny . On Friday night , we even stopped at the store and picked up a log for the fireplace . ( This is not a normal activity for kicking off Memorial Day festivities . ) We 've had some rain , lots of clouds and very little sunshine . It seems to be peeking through the sky today , but we 're not sure of it by any means . Therefore . . . . Max has been a bit disgusted with all of us . We 've spent far too much time watching movies and sitting in front of those little boxes with our fingers moving in front of them . It seems we have one of those in every room now that JJ is home . We honestly don 't have one in every room - - - it just seems that way . But there was one bit of brightness Saturday afternoon . . . . Louie stopped by and gave us a quick salute ! He has tail feathers and a yellow chest just like his papa , but he is about a quarter of his size . And he must have been very attentive during the flying lessons . He just soars ! ! ! I hope to get a picture , but no promises . You 'll just have to trust me . With leaving Spring behind us and Summer officially here , it 's time for a book review ! Of course the season actually has nothing to do with the book review , but it felt right starting off with those words as it is Memorial Day weekend . I 've recently finished a delightful book and thought I 'd share it with you : " A Novel Tea " by Jean Chapman . Jean shares many wonderful things in this book . The title refers to an ongoing book club she hosts in her home . But there is far more to it than simply discussing books . She encourages the spirit of hospitality , graciousness , mentoring , friendship , and of course , how to have a proper " tea . " From the darling photos of the tea service and teapots , to the recipes included , you will find a wonderful resource for beginning or encouraging your own ministry to women in " A Novel Tea . " Jean is also a gifted speaker . We actually had her join us a few years ago at our little church 's retreat here in Sunny . Imagine that ! Right here ! She weaves her family 's story into her message in a beautiful manner . The story she shares will bless you , whether you brew your tea in an antique teapot or push ' One Minute ' on the microwave oven . . . If your women 's ministries group is looking for someone for your Fall Retreat , Spring Fling or Mom to Mom 's Brunch , I highly recommend Jean Chapman . For more information on Jean and " A Novel Tea " please visit www . springbrookpress . com . Grins and Hugs , We 've just about recovered from our day of unending thrills , attractions and dining experiences . Thankfully , we were inside an enclosed attraction when the rain fell . It seemed we hit every ride and show at just the right time . Several times , we were called out and went to the front of the line when they needed a small group to fill something up . We cheered . Our family has a history of things going the other way . . . But no need to go there on this wonderful Saturday ! Theme parks certainly have progressed in the last few decades . We were discussing which things were the ' low points ' of our day on the ride home . I 'm sure when they made their debuts they were cutting edge . 3 - D is so not 4 - D ! The ladybug bumper cars ( although designed for children ) went about two miles an hour - at their peak speed . I remembered my father telling the story of his parents and the fear the local farmers had that cows might lose their minds if they saw an automobile drive by . It was just against nature . What would they think of the loop - de - loop coasters and rocketeer rides to the sky and back in just a few short seconds ! Here 's a fun photo from the 40 's : Mom , Dad , and Grandmother Clara at Knott 's Berry FarmI did not see anyone wearing a suit or dressy hat yesterday at the " Happiest Place on Earth . " Somehow , I think this threesome enjoyed their day back then just as much as we did yesterday . Can 't you just feel the praises going up ? ? My good friend sent this photo to me last summer and I kept it on my computer as the wallpaper for quite a while . He said the chicken was in his window - sill or right outside his window or something like that . I 'm not precisely sure what the chicken is supposed to be doing , but each time I see him , I smile . And I say , " Oh Bless the Lord . " Laughter is such an incredible gift . I 've been thinking about this a lot lately . Not laughter specifically , but thanking God for putting people in my world that I can laugh with about all sorts of things . One friend loves to bring up shared memories about silly things that happened while working and attending the same church together a while back . Searching for a thief , seeing a person in the Easter drama trip and having an ' oops ' come out while his microphone was hot one year , figuring out the thief 's identity , calling 911 when a gal pretended to faint , the hilarious manner in which previously referred - to thief was captured . . . Another good friend shares similar cooking skills and we have countless stories of mishaps . Leaving the plastic on the casserole as it is reheated - in the oven , not the microwave , using leftover pumpkin pie batter instead of leftover turkey gravy for a holiday creation , the famous coffee story which is way too embarrassing to mention ( perhaps Papa Noel will leave a comment and tell you the sad yet hilarious tale ) and so many , many more . . . . As I sat down here today , just intending to tell you the latest story of Ruby - Dee and how she put the tin foil down on the counter and it ended up rolling all across the living room and out into the hallway and how she informed me , " You CAN NOT re - roll aluminum foil ! " I smiled . And I thought of the Hallelujah Chicken . Sometimes you just have to smile and say , " Oh , Bless the Lord . " My goodness , my goodness . I recently received a comment from Sister Sheri . She gave me a little nudge to check her blog for ' a hug . ' Her kindness overwhelmed me . I cried . Not a lot ; not like losing the baby birds . But still . . . . Thank you very much , dear new friend . And then there 's sweet Joy . I imagine Joy as a very trendy , up - to - date Julia Child . She knows all about cooking . I think she speaks " Frenglish . " Is that the correct term , Joy ? Going back and forth from French to English and perhaps landing somewhere in between . I really enjoy people who can do that . And cook . People who are good cooks amaze me . As my profile states , I " order well . " We 've been trying to pass on kindness more the past couple of years . Remember those bumper stickers and such from the 70 's ( I think it was the 70 's . . . . ) about passing on warm fuzzies ? We 've been seeking out restaurant managers to compliment them ( even when obtaining food poisoning , but not yet aware . . . ) and young kids who are trying really hard in their summer jobs , etc . So as a rookie blogger , and a Mom who doesn 't really have too many meals turn out too well , just lost a couple of baby birds , and hopes to have entertained you a bit sharing a few of my stories . . . . " Thanks Sheri and Joy . I 'm amazed ! " " Like fluttering birds pushed from the nest , so are the women of Moab . . . " Isaiah 16 : 2Isaiah . That 's in the Old Testament . The sixteenth chapter talks about the Moabites , refers to their pride , withering fields of Hebron , ( I think there 's a Hebron in Utah , too ) and the weeping of Jazer . Yep , pretty hard to follow . That 's why we have places like Fuller , AGTS , Wheaton and Vanguard . When you have a degree from one of these universities or seminaries you can explain tough chapters like this . Or at the very least , pronounce the biblical cities properly . But in our town , Sunny , in fact - - - at our house , in Sunny , we have been caring for some little birds pushed from the nest since Sunday . There is a nest right outside the office here and we discovered three little birds who had fallen straight onto the concrete . I remembered seeing Lexie looking out through the wooden blinds on the office door and she would jump a bit , but I thought she 'd just bumped into the blinds ! She must have seen the little babies first ! So . . . Sunday afternoon was spent with Mama Gracie doing her best to assist the newly hatched birds . They bounced around and hopped and their Mama and Papa stayed very close to them . But alas , in the morning , Mama Gracie had large tears fall as two of them had not survived . About an hour later , after the sprinklers stopped , little chirps were heard from the middle of the lawn nearby . . . . . Oh ! Joy ! So here he is ( I think his name is Louie ) : He spent Monday stretching those wings , enjoying treats from his mama , and chirping . He settled in for the night and we put up a piece of cardboard on one side to give him some security . There 's no sign of him this morning , but I 'm sure his Mom & Dad are giving him flying lessons . If anything else happened . . . well , this is not the Discovery channel and we are not going to discuss those options . But back to those Moabite women and the birds being pushed out of the nest . . . . Isn 't it amazing that God cares about " little Louie " and knows exactly where he is this morning ( whether or not he ' Sharon Jahr Master Max loves his cousin , Miss Lexus . Really , he does . But when she arrived with her crate , all her toys and all her food from Gramma & Grandpa 's house , he was not at all sure . . . Where are Gramma & Grandpa ? What is happening ? Mama ? For how long ? Mama , how come when she smiles at you , Dad and JJ you stop everything and pat her tummy ? This is my house , you know . Fine . If she wants to take over , I 'll just hide under my favorite chair . You can just love your new favorite puppy all you want to . Love her all day . Love her all night . I 'll just stay here . I 'm fine . You think I want my picture taken with my " adorable , cutie - pie , lovey - dovey cousin " today ? Mama , she chases me away from Dad and you . You don 't see it . You just give her treats and throw that green ball to her . You play with her whenever she brings you that squeaky - squacky duck or that hideous purple armadillo . Armadillos are not purple , Mom . Fine . We had a talk . She agreed to stop begging for pats on her tummy ( at least when I 'm in the room ) and I agreed to stop growling at her and pulling on her ears . Finally . I claim " Master of the House . " And of course , just as the week - end was ending , they were fast friends - - - once again . Mama , when can Lexie come back to my house ? This is from the kitchen of some good friends of ours , Arlene & James , and they are just the sweetest people . Arlene has a new book coming out , " Losing Weight After Baby " and her new website has many , many wonderful resources and lots of fun stuff . Also included is the story of their little Angel . She went home to Heaven in 2005 delivered pre - term at 26 weeks . The peace God helped them find through that time is quite a miracle . Maybe you know someone searching for peace . You can check it out in the article or video section of the website . Arlene Pellicane is an amazing woman . You 'll want to add this site to your favorites , new mom or not . . . www . losingweightafterbaby . com Go there ! Enjoy ! Grins and Hugs , Last night , after a few hours of round - a - bouts with the two somewhat jealous puppy cousins , we all settled down to watch American Idol . Each doggy was struggling to get as close as possible to big DJ ( as they know he is the man in charge and the key to their status . . . . ) and we had a lovely evening . Wasn 't Fantasia something ? Truly something . As her song progressed , JJ quietly asked , " Wonder if that 's her real hair color ? " During the amazing refrain , JJ again commented , " Mom , the background vocalists remind me of Veggie Tales - - - ' The Bunny Song . ' " Absolutely precisely accurate . I loved the shot of Simon watching the song - Simon watching the dance - well , Simon watching it . . . I 'm going to pull out that video ( Rack , Shack & Benny , isn 't it ? ) and watch it with the two puppies this afternoon . But no chocolate bunnies for them . I know I 've mentioned photos of the puppy cousins , but presently they are staying as far away from each other as possible . . . . It 's time to pull out my favorite " Auntie Gracie " apron ( a little reference to Joy ) . We 're expecting company tonight . Yes , the pillows are being fluffed , the grass is mowed , the treat cupboard has been freshly stocked . . . . joy of joys , our Miss Lexus is arriving about 5 o ' clock tonight to stay through Sunday . DJ is going over the river and through the woods to pick her up in his big truck . Now that will be a sight - - - Imagine pulling up alongside a Ford 250 or whatever it is , and seeing a bouncy smiling large poodle in the passenger seat ! This is the ' before ' photo , when she was a puppy . Miss Lexie sleeps in her large crate ( she is a full - sized standard poodle ) and Master Max may be a little concerned when it 's bedtime . He , of course , sleeps at DJ 's feet guarding and protecting should any bunny rabbits , owls , hummingbirds or goodness no , any coyotes dare enter our property . He is a very good protector . Until it 's time for his treats ! I 'll do my best to take some fun photos the next few days . Maybe I 'll get enough to make a calendar for you to order this Christmas . . . . Here 's a big " Thank you " to all of you who 've said such kind things about the playlist I 've added in the last month or so . I must confess , the particular song you are hearing is selected randomly by a little man who must be quite busy over at the playlist company offices . . . . : ) I 've got almost 100 songs on the list , and the selection is pretty broad . Each one is a tune that I dearly love or for which my heart holds special memories . There are songs that speak of God 's faithfulness , our Hope , some movie themes from my Disney favorites ( although I did remove the theme from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride after DJ heard it and gave me that look . . . ) . I 've also included a surprise or two , so I hope when you hear those , you 'll chuckle right along with me . Another favorite recording of mine is Garrison Keillor 's " Young Lutheran 's Guide to the Orchestra " accompanied by a full symphony . But it was not on the selection list and it is about twenty minutes long . Maybe one day I 'll figure out how to share it online if it 's not all copyrighted by the good folks at " A Prairie Home Companion . " They really make me smile . Lutheran or not . JJ is home , as is most obvious here on Grace Today . Recently we went to a large office supply store ( no Google ads here , so it will remain anonymous ) . JJ needed a computer program and I impulsively selected a nice new padded mouse pad . The kind with the cushion so you won 't get all sorts of new aches and pains from your addiction to blogging . . . Back at home , things were going beautifully . I opened the plastic wrap which had been created by the same folks who designed Fort Knox , saw that the mouse pad fit perfectly on our desk 's pull - out tray . . . . Then the steam began to boil . DJ ran to find JJ with just these words : " Come check out Mom 's explosion , there 's a problem with the mouse pad . " Not knowing which emotion to choose ( laughter or frustration ) I was hugely disappointed that the new mouse pad had some sort of problem or our old mouse had some sort of problem , but the bottom line is this : the old mouse does not work on the lovely ergonomic mouse pad . JJ promptly picked it up , smiled and moved it into his room , showing it its new home with his computer . This morning ( well , JJ 's morning , which is much later than my morning ) I heard a call from the kitchen nook , " Mom , there 's a comic for you today . . . . " God bless the author of " Pearls Before Swine . " Nothing helps a dreary Monday morning more than a good dose of laughter - - - especially when you 're laughing with your son about yourself . . . Mother 's Day was just perfect . We enjoyed a fabulous church service , tapped our toes to the music once or twice , heard a great message , enjoyed reading the paper in the sunshine before heading to the coast . . . . I was serenaded by two strong , tall and handsome men , munched on Thai chicken spring rolls , then feasted on delightful soup and salad . . . . and finally . . . . devoured warm chocolate cake with Heath bar crunchies on top . But this - - - this photo shows my greatest treasure , actually our greatest treasure . We love this guy . The best chocolate in the world can 't compare . . . . On this very special " Mother 's Day Eve " here 's a treat . You may have seen it before . You may find it disgusting . You will laugh - or else we won 't probably see you here again , eh . . . . Check it out : YouTube - dads changing diapers . Thanks to my special Cuz ( the one who recently had the big birthday ) who lives out in the wilderness in the Midwest for sending this to me . He 's a great Dad and Granddad . I am sure he is not part of this video . Nope , those guys must be first timers who work long hours and are rarely home . . . . right ? Enjoy . And be sure to order dessert tomorrow . You 're entitled . Big Hugs and an Extra Grin , A Mom with a Grateful Heart Here it is , the Mother 's Day week - end . Didn 't we just have Christmas ? Never mind , that 's what old people say , isn 't it ! But the year does seem to be just zooming along . Once again , I 'm faced with " What do you want ? " Oh boy , I really don 't like that question . Let 's see , maybe some new stuff from Bath & Body works - no you don 't like the wallflowers . Hmm , a cooking book ? Nah , I struggle with cooking most of the time . ( But I did really like the one " Cooking for Blonds " that a good friend gave me once . . . . ) Clothes ? usually these come in an odd size and then I feel the need to go on a diet , or at least perceive you think I should go on a diet . . . . How about - - - a walk on the beach reminiscing , or maybe dinner at our favorite pizza place with a little candle , or watching Somewhere in Time again ( just because ) or finding a fire ring at the beach and just sitting by the ocean listening to the waves and snuggling in the blanket watching the sunset . Or letting me know you miss my mom too . Then I 'd know you understand how hard this week - end is . But I 'll smile . We 'll have a nice lunch and I 'll put on two pounds with the fabulous chocolate lava cake . All will be as it should be . And we 'll make plans for Father 's Day . The circle of life as it might be referred to . . . All I really need is hugs . Two of them . One from DJ and one from JJ . My special day will be complete . I found myself blog browsing yesterday . JJ was lost in the world of Lego Star Wars , which is absolutely the most addictive X - Box game , but after a few hours , I 'd seen enough Lego Leia & Luke as you can well imagine . I came across a contest on another blog asking for stories of best friends . As you may remember , I have several of those . Grin . I met my friend Claudia , who shall now actually be known here as Claudia since the whole blogging world ( ooh , almost sounds like a bad term , doesn 't it ! ) will know her name from the other site . . . Well , I 've digressed again . - Coffee Break - God will forever bless my DJ for the gift of the coffee maker that uses real whole beans so our house smells like Starbucks - - - I LOVE IT ! Now back to Claudia . . . . Her father used to say , just generally , when he met people , " We 're just two old friends that never met . " That describes my friendship with Claudia completely . I hope you 'll be able to take a couple of minutes and go here to check out the story . A comment is a vote and I really hope to win the accompaniment track they 're giving away as a prize . hmmm . Doesn 't this make you curious ? If you decide to submit your own best friend story , please let me know . I 'll vote for you too , because that 's just what friends do . This is not the North Carolina Primary . . . Today is one of those days . It 's cloudy and chilly here in Sunny , a bit gloomy ; but it feels good . It 's a snugly day . One you 'd find you 're coziest in while wearing your old favorite sweat shirt , worn out jeans and slippers . JJ and I took Master Max in to see our veterinarian . ( Our good doctor is married to a long - time friend , so we tend to feel we 're just visiting . . . Well , all of us except for Max feel that way . He 's petrified . ) He says Max is doing great . He 's the perfect weight , has good teeth and seems fine . All the while , Max was desperately clinging to JJ hoping this tall man would just walk out the door and stop pestering him . We 're doing all of JJ 's laundry since Easter . He saved it - - must have been too busy studying . . . . and listening to the sound of the dryer with the smell of fabric softener - knowing it 's JJ 's stuff and he really is home for three months just makes me warm and fuzzy also . I know , way too sentimental , but that 's what happens right before Mother 's Day . My best friend sent me a lovely bouquet . Online . No , she didn 't order it online . . . she sent it to me online . So now it 's my wallpaper . That will make me smile for weeks . Then I 'll replace it with a photo of a trip to Disneyland , the beach or SeaWorld . But not right now . I 'm going to enjoy knowing my friend was thinking of me . You see I 'd shared with her that in our recent tree - trimming adventure , we lost our most sentimental Giant Bird of Paradise plant that had just blossomed for the first time in twelve years . Thanks CC . ( Her entire initials are CCR , but that just makes me laugh . ) Oh our dear Joy of Joy of Desserts has been ever so kind to this little blogger once again . She has the gift of encouragement . And she likes chocolate - my kind of person , absolutely ! Over the weekend , she blessed me with this sweet little award : Thank you , thank you sweet Joy ! ( Get it , ' Sweet Joy ' and she has a blog full of desserts . . . . ) My cooking skills are right up there with Ray 's wife on Everybody Loves Raymond , so when I see people who can cook and create like our darling Joy , I am amazed . Truly amazed ! Thanks again for sharing your creations with us , Joy ! And now , with a little drum roll please . . . . I have the pleasure of awarding this award to a few bloggers of my choice . Here we go : Elaine at Peace for the Journey definitely blesses me every time I read her beautiful insights . She shares her love with such grace . And she likes my silliness . Amy at Life and Times of Life at Home is another blogger that just plain makes me smile . She shares her life , her kids and their innocence combined with great depth as they watch the clouds in the sky and learn about God together . She gently reminds us what is Important . Mama at Beloved Mama has created a wonderful place for prayer requests , reports of answered prayers and shares from her life with the great stories about Baby B putting all his treasures and some of hers in the trash . How can we help but smile with her life ! Liz at Kentucky Bound most certainly gets an award for best photos of the year at this time . If you 've not seen her Eden post , it 's a must ! Mama at Faith Hope Love also blesses me with her honesty on this journey . She captures innocence in her children 's lives and shares beautifully . Sister Sheri at The Leaking Window has just returned from the trip of a lifetime and the photos and insights she is sharing from visiting Israel , well , they just make me jealous , plain and simple . But I 'm ever so happy for her , too ! : ) So there we have it . My arms extend out to each of you five , and I hope you 'll realize you 're getting an ever so large hug from Grace Today , aGrins and Hugs , I 'm just chuckling to myself here . . . . if any of you are checking in about 2 : 41 you may well be laughing at or with me , preferably . . . . I was so excited that just the title of this post posted . All by itself . Did I say that correctly ? The reason for the big Whoo - Hoo shout and holler in the true Oklahoma manner , is that JJ is almost home . I don 't exactly know what the prodigal son 's father felt way back when , but this has to be fairly close . JJ is in no way a ' prodigal ' but we sure can 't wait to see him about dinnertime tonight ! Max knows something 's up - he can always tell . DJ has called me frequently today ( just to check in ) and DJ rarely phones home unless he needs directions somewhere or will be an hour late or he 's been given tickets to a baseball or football game , you know , important stuff . . . On days like today , when the excitement seems to drip off the walls , I always find myself wondering something else . It always happens . I wonder if our " Cloud of Witnesses " knows when someone from here is on their way about to arrive there . Don 't you wonder that once in a while ? I think they do know . And I think my excitement here today is absolutely nothing compared to what that will be . They probably have the best balloons ever in colors we haven 't even ever seen yet . And the ice cream for the cake is unimaginably wonderful ! But for now , for today , I 'm going to go make a red velvet cake and get the grill ready for our Cinco de Mayo fiesta with our very special home - for - the - summer son . Whoo - Hoo ! Oh my goodness ! I received an e - mail today from my best friend . Now if you 're reading this and you think we are ' Best Friends , ' but in fact you did not send me an e - mail today . . . . don 't worry . I think I must have seven best friends . And that statement is the most honest , truthful one in the world . I love you all dearly . I don 't have natural siblings and I thank God every single day for my best friends ( and of course , my DJ and JJ ) . Back to this post . . . my friend J - Banana , who is ever so intelligent and I am so very proud of her , sent me some photos along with her message . J - Banana was a music major just like I was and then she went on and actually learned how to not only do Radiology , but in fact , teach it . When I think of her as Miss Grown - Up - Know - It - All standing up there in front of her classes and I picture her wearing her white coat pointing with her laser pointer , using very long words with lots of syllables , I have not ever pictured her at home snuggling with this : Please allow me to introduce you to " Miss Bambi . " This little angel is certainly one of the cutest puppies on the East Coast . Sometimes e - mail can bring a wonderful gift , like photos from your Best Friend . Thanks , J - Banana . You made my week - end . It 's been an exciting week here at our place . We have some huge , extremely tall Eucalyptus trees on our property . For our dear friends who read every word I share about our Max , you know that he occasionally is quite the scared little puppy . Although he 's turning three next month - yes there will be a celebration here , I 'm sure . . . . He scurries out of our family room if one leaf or branch from these trees hit our roof . It 's quite sad , actually . So imagine the poor little guy as the wood - chipper truck pulled in , the guys began unloading ladders , climbing up onto the same family room roof , and began running their huge saws . Master Max was on the full dose of Benadryl that our vet says is permissible , but still . Wednesday and Thursday were right up there with Alexander 's terrible , horrible , no good , very bad day . I took a photo , but alas , the only camera available was my on cell phone and my technological skills prohibit me from transferring the picture to the computer . ( Please do hurry home , JJ . ) I captured a shot of Max underneath my legs as I ironed in the laundry room . He does not normally even venture into our laundry room due to the screaming bird . " Bird ? " you ask ? Oh , yes . But that most definitely is another post for another day . We have a bird that we expected to have as a house guest for a few months - - - back in 1998 . Yes , 1998 . But the good news here in Sunny is that our huge , leaf , seed and branch dropping , fire - hazard Eucalyptus trees are now the skinniest ones in town . And Max is now a far braver puppy . Well , maybe a little bit more brave , not entirely courageous . . . Photo by Grace during an earlier time of worry . . . . " Please Mama , please make them stop all the noise . . . . " photo : R . B . Anthony Thanks again , to my good friend over at the university . . . This is his actual photograph , taken last year during their Bible study . This little guy fell asleep right in the middle of the book of James , while sitting on someone 's lap . I cannot honestly think of a better way to celebrate our National Day of Prayer today than encouraging all of us to take our cue from little " Orange . " As you can see , his ribbon is orange , so that was his name at birth . . . . but after this photo happened . . . . I heard he was christened " James . "

This will be my last Blog for 2009 . Here it is December 30TH and we will be celebrating the New Year in the Rio Grande Valley near McAllen , TX again for the 3RD year in a row . Tomorrow is New Year 's eve and as usual , I 'm sure we will be sound asleep when midnight comes . Then on New Year 's day , we will have Champagne and our usual " traditional " Southern New Year 's dinner of Black Eyed Peas , Collard Greens and Ham . We have done that for as many years as I have known Ms Pat and it has become one of my favorites . She is the world 's most wonderful cook and I love her " southern " traditions . BTW . . . . the Black Eyed Peas are for " good luck " , the Collard Greens are for " wealth " and the Ham is one of my favorites . I only get it on special occasions . : - ) . On these last few days of the year , I can 't help but look back over the past year at all the things we 've done . All in all , it has been a GREAT YEAR ! A lot of interesting things happened , but the thing that I am most thankful for is that our health has remained excellent . That 's mighty important at any age , but especially important at our age . Looking back at the daily records I keep , I see Ms Pat is 16 lbs lighter than she was last year and I am 8 lbs lighter . Our daily exercise , careful planning and food management program continue to pay off . It takes a lot of will power and determination , but those kind of results make it all worth while . We finally got our little building on our lot at North Ranch in Arizona stuccoed . We had been wanting to get that done for several years . We got our Toy Barn at Custer electrified and a 50amp RV plug installed as planned . That along with this little patio extension project has about been the extent of our construction projects for the year . Oh , and I forgot to mention that we completed the patio project just before Christmas . . . . . Thankfully ! ! I was getting a little tired of this project . It took over a month to complete . About 3 weeks longer than expected . We kept getting rained out and things don 't dry out down here very fast . This dirt pile has since been removed and we are happy with our " little " project . It will be nice to have a place to get our trash container and a few other items out of sight . Another accomplishment we made this year was getting back into the Harley corner by purchasing the Heritage Softail Police Officers Special Edition Motorcycle . That made me real happy ! We also purchased a great Polaris 500 Sportsman 4 - wheeler to ride in the Black hills . We enjoy 4 - wheeling in the Hills very much . Plus , we bought a cargo trailer . We have that all fixed up and prepared to haul the Harley or the Polaris . We are looking forward to taking our Volvo truck as a motorhome and pulling the trailer with the Harley up through Montana to Glacier National Park next summer . We 'll also make a stop in Idaho . I have always wanted to take Ms Pat to Coeur d ' Alene . I think it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen . However , I think the next most memorable and enjoyable thing that has come into our life this year is Ms Megabyte2 . The Joy and Happiness that little gal has brought us is nothing short of a " miracle " . . It was Sunday evening , Feb 1ST , when we made the decision to take her with us the next morning on our move to Arizona . Right up until then , we planned on leaving without her . How we could have even thought of such a thing is now amazing . When Kathy Detweiler told me that she was an " Angel Kitty " , I broke ! I knew then that she was ours and going with us . I had always had the feeling that Scott sent her to us , but for someone else to confirm it , I knew it was true . She is truly an " Angel Kitty " , Thank You Scott and Thank You Kathy ! Here she was on the day after Christmas last year . She was still sleeping out under an old shed out back and she was coming over and visiting us a lot . The night before we departed a month later was the first night she ever spent inside with us . She has only been away one night since . That was when she spent the night at the Vets after her cesarian operation . She is such a joy . So thats about it . There is more but these are the highlights and I 'm sure you are bored by now . One more Football game this year . TODAY the Nebraska Cornhuskers play Arizona in the Holiday Bowl at San Diego at 7pm tonight ( Central time ) . I 'll be cheering them on as long as I can stay awake , so I hope it 's a good game . It should be . Nebraska is ranked 20TH and Arizona is 22ND . It 's on ESPN . Then on FRIDAY ( New Year 's Day ) Florida State plays West Virgina in the Gator Bowl at Jacksonville . That is going to be Bobby Bowden 's final game . We will be cheering them and him on at 12pm ( central ) . Its on CBS . Bobby is a Giant of a man and I respect him whole heartedly . He and I came to Tallahassee about the same time and we both left our mark on the place . His much more noticable than mine ! I met him several times as he and Ann used to eat at the same Restaurant lots of times and I attended many Monday " quarterback " luncheons after the football games where he was usually the speaker . We had season tickets for years . . . Christmas Day came and we carried on with our traditional " Walk on the Beach " that I mentioned in my last Blog . We left home about 8 : 00 am on Christmas morning and headed East towards South Padre Island . We had been invited to stop and see our friends Larry and LaVila Lawrence at their RV Resort in Mercedes , TX . We stopped and said a quick hello , Merry Christmas greetings and hugs . We hadn 't seen them yet this winter as they have been very busy building a shelter and outdoor kitchen on their place . Then we continued on to the Beach . We managed to " Walk on the Beach " , but we didn 't linger . It sure wasn 't as nice as it was last year or the year before . The place wasn 't overcrowded that 's for sure but there were a few people mingling around . We drove on the Beach for several miles and found a quiet little spot and just sat back and watched the waves roll in . It was beautiful inside the car and out of the wind . We had a little Champagne toast to the occasion , reminisced old times and reminded ourselves how lucky we are and how much we have to be thankful for . Topped that off with a lunch of Cheese and Crackers , which made for another memorable Christmas Day . Christmas eve we had our usual fun get together at the Club House . Of course , also as usual food was plentiful . Ms Pat and Dale Bruss are enjoying themselves . Here is Ms Pat modeling her new Harley Davidson knit jacket that Santa found way down deep in his sack and presented to her just moments before we came to this celebration . On my way home from the Clubhouse , I wanted to get a picture of our good friends Greg and Bonnie Gheyssen 's Christmas decorations . I think they have the BEST ! Greg and Bonnie have a beautiful Volvo Truck and Escalade Toy Hauler 5TH wheel all paint matched and they keep it looking sharp . They haul 2 Harleys in the back of the Toy Hauler and even have a Harley for Santa . . . . . A special greetings to our friends and neighbors Doug and Jutta Franks who left here just a few days ago and flew to Germany to spend the Holidays with Jutta 's family . Have fun guys , enjoy and safe travels back here toTexas . We miss you but we 'll see ya in a few days . Way back in 1977 , my Company transferred me from Denver , Colorado to Tallahassee , Florida . I didn 't want to go . . . I was having too much fun skiing Vail and the back bowls of the mountains . Every weekend I was high up in the new fresh powder snow , having a ball . Sometimes in Corporate management , they need you to do a project so bad that they don 't care how much FUN you 're having . Such was the case in this instance . I found myself meeting a Moving van in the town of Tallahassee , Florida . Never been there before in my life and didn 't know a thing about it . Didn 't matter , I was there anyhow and had a job to do . I set about my assigned tasks , happy or not . The job was so tough and involved I didn 't have time to even think about it . I was so busy , good thing I was single at the time , because I was working 6 days a week from sunup until sundown . That was a good thing , too , because whenever I did stop , even for a minute , I became so lonesome for my 3 boys back in Nebraska that I would become deeply depressed . My only salvation was to get back to work . With the amount of time I was putting in , it wasn 't long until the project showed great improvement and with that it became a lot easier . It didn 't take near as much of my time and I at least had weekends and holidays off When Winter came and Christmas was nearing , I couldn 't believe it . I had never been anywhere that it wasn 't very COLD and SNOWING in the winter . The City of Tallahassee put up Christmas decorations and the stores started playing Christmas Music . I was in my shirt sleeves in hot , humid weather , listening to " Jingle Bells " playing around town . I couldn 't get the Christmas Spirit at all . This was my NEW WORLD . Christmas day came and , of course , I was alone . Talking to my boys on the phone hours on end didn 't seem to cut it . I missed them very much . Christmas Day was a beautiful . sunny day and I had nothing to do . I wanted to get out and go somewhere . I thought about where to go but I didn 't know the area very well at all yet . I finally decided I 'd go about 45 miles South to the Gulf of Mexico . I drove down to Alligator Point and stood astonished staring out at the Gulf of Mexico . The Beaches were deserted and I wandered up and down them all afternoon and only saw a few other people . I had never seen so much water in all my mid - western life . This was too much and I only wished my boys were there with me to enjoy it . As I was walking on the Beach , I was thinking " you know , people back home in Nebraska , South Dakota and Colorado just wouldn 't believe this " ! Walking on the Beach in my barefeet , T - shirt and shorts , looking at all that beautiful water . It was then and there that I made the decision that whenever I was close to a Beach on Christmas day , I would go there , walk and make it a " Christmas Tradition " ! Since then , except for 3 quick years when I was transferred to Salt Lake City , Utah to correct another problem , I went to the Beach every Christmas Day . The closest beach to us here in the Rio Grande Valley , is South Padre Island on the West side of the Gulf of Mexico . That 's where we are headed Friday . It 's about 90 miles and we have gone there the last 2 years . It 's not near as pretty as the Florida Beaches , but the water and beach are there and it 's very enjoyable . We thank God for all we have . Soon 2009 will be History ! It went very fast for me . How about you ? This is our 3RD winter down here in the Rio Grande Valley in South Texas near McAllen . It has also been our coolest . Not that it 's real cold , just Wet , Cloudy , Foggy and plain Dreary . We had another 3 . 5 inches of rain this week and every morning it is extremely Foggy and it 's mid morning or noon before it burns off and then it is still quite cloudy . The Sun has peaked out a few times but not near enough to satisfy me . However , from what I hear it 's been that way a lot of places . This wet cold is the worst . . . . . seems a lot colder here at 45 - 50 deg than it is in AZ or SD at the same temp . It reminds me of Florida . I always said I got as cold in Florida as I ever did back home in Nebraska . But to look at the good side , we never did have to scoop any snow in Florida , nor have we had to here in South Texas . I 've sure scooped my share in Nebraska ! ! Cool , Cold , Foggy or what ever , we still manage to get in our " walk in the park " . Every morning at 6 : 30 we head out in the Black Dark Fog to do our 1 hour 4 mile walk in the Bentsen Rio Grande State Park , about 2 blocks form where we live . Almost every morning we see several Javelina 's . I have some pictures below : We have seen as many as 13 in a group . One morning we saw 2 tiny little babies . They were following their " momma " and getting breakfast when ever she stopped for a moment . Remember this couple ? I showed you a picture of them way back in 2007 when we first started walking this Park every morning . This is Red and Louise , Winter Texans from Michigan . They have been coming down to the Rio Grande Valley for over 25 years . They come to the park every morning and arrive at 6 : 00 am . They are professional " Bird Watchers " . They know their birds ! Much of the time they carry a large spot light . . What a lovely couple they are ! ! We have gotten to know them quite well . They seldom ever miss a morning . Rain , shine , cold or warm , they will be here . They are both 85 + and walk several miles every morning . Each year when we come back we always ask each other , " Will Red and Louise be here " ? Back in Jan of 2007 when I took this picture it was super cold . We were all bundled up and still freezing to death but Red and Louise were still out there . They started out years ago in an RV but have now downsized to a Park Model . However , they are still very active and a great inspiration and idol to Pat and I . We sure enjoy them . I 'm hoping it will clear off enough that we can get get on the Harley for a little ride this morning . It 's still real dark out there , but I went out and walked around , it looks promising . Although there is no place to go here and absolutely nothing to see , I still love to ride . This is the " SPECIAL " Christmas Tree I was telling you about . Isn 't it beautiful ? It is special for us because my Mother made it . It is " Ceramic " . She made it many , many years ago . How many years , I 'm not sure . Maybe some of the Grandkids can remember , but I 'd guess 25 , 30 , , , maybe more ? I remember it every Christmas at her house and in their RV when they used to go to Arizona every winter . Ms Pat always loved and adored this little tree . When Mom went to that Great RV Park in the Sky 3 years ago , we put this little tree in storage . We really didn 't have room to carry it in our 5TH wheel , but this year we brought it to be a part of our new Coach House . We will probably be here every Christmas , so we 'll leave it stored in the Coach House . I just love it , the way all the little colored lights glow and the Star sets on top . I enjoy sitting in the dark with it on , just looking at it and remembering Mom . God Bless her . I know she is smiling down on us and her Beautiful Christmas tree . Meanwhile , it is raining " buckets " outside . It started at Happy Hour yesterday and rained steady all night long . So . . . . . . . our little project is still on " hold " . We started it before Thanksgiving . . . maybe it will be finished by Christmas ? ? ? Mike In hopes of making Christmas a little more enjoyable for some youngsters we bought a couple stuffed Animal Toys and took them to the local Harley Davidson Dealer . This is a wonderful program and most all Harley Davidson Dealers across the country participate and collect thousands and thousands of Toys for Tots . When we arrived with the Toys , there were 2 Marine Reservists on hand receiving them and giving out " I donated a Toy " pins and other gifts to those that brought toys . They had a lot of toys and I 'm sure lots more will come . It 's a good feeling to think you might make some deserving youngster happy and their Christmas a little more enjoyable . We started back on our " Project " this week , but it was so wet we had to wait until it dried out . Therefore , we still didn 't get it done . Like I said , you just can 't get in a hurry around here ! Here are a couple pictures of what we got done . This will be a nice place to " hide " a few things . Oh ya , maybe we can even put our BBQ grill in there and the wind won 't blow it out all the time ! I think we should paint the fence to match the Coach House . What do you think ? We have completed 12 ' behind the Coach House and have 40 ' to finish . it takes a lot of sand to get it level . . I have already hauled 48 sacks of paver sand from Home Depot and may have to go for more . Hopefully , we will be able to complete the job next week . I 'm getting tired of having this mess on our Patio . Why do these " Projects " always take longer and cost more than you think they will ? I guess I 'll never learn . As Christmas nears , decorations are going up all around town and in the RV Park . I 'm going to have to venture out after dark one of these nights and see them . Don 't get out after dark much anymore , except early in the morning when we go out walking . Some of the Christmas lights are still on at 6 : 30 am when we head out on our walk , but not all of them . . Ms Pat put up our Christmas Tree about a week ago . I 'll have to remember to take a picture of it for you . It 's a " special " Christmas tree . More pictures of our friends Bob and Kathleen Gomez 's Motorhome Fire . Fires are not pretty , but these pictures sure emphasize the mess and problems involved . Since Bob and Kathleen knew Ms Pat was involved in Insurance as an Agent for many years and I had 30 years experience as an Insurance Adjuster , they ask us to give them some assistance . I first took a lot of pictures to substantiate the damages for them and explained what the adjuster would do . They called their Insurance Co and were advised an Adjuster would be out to inspect the damage Monday . Here are some pictures in an album of their Motorhome after the Fire . Note the dripping water and foam drenching everything . This picture is blurry for some reason but when you look at it in the album , it clears up . I feel so sorry for anyone involved in a fire . It is such a mess . When one is a full time Rv ' er , he has gotten rid of most of his " stuff " , except for the most important and memorable " stuff " . Now they must sort through what is left and determine if it is salvagable or not . Soaked clothes , furniture and many , more personal belongings . What a job ! A few years of handling these type losses was enough for me . I started specializing in Automobile Personal Injury and Litigation . It was much easier for me to settle lawsuits with Attorneys and direct lawsuits in Litigation than it was to sit down with folks and go item by item through all their prize personal , memorable belongings . That was a SAD job . I loved wrestling and haggling with Attorneys . Sometimes I even beat them in their own game . That was especially enjoyable . It wasn 't fun and I spent a lot of sleepless nights when we were trying lawsuits and playing Russian Roulette with a Jury , but it paid well so I stuck it out . When I retired at age 57 , I was a nervous wreck . My health was bad . My blood pressure and every other bad health item was way too high . I was overweight and I drank entirely too much . Strangely enough 6 months after I left the business , my blood pressure and weight went down and my general health improved immensely . The Dr told me , " I don 't know what you 're doing , but keep doing it " . I told him that I had just gotten out of a quite stressful job . He said that getting out may have saved my life . I must say that I always envied people that loved their jobs . I never could figure that out . All my years on the Highway Patrol , I dealt with mostly BAD people and in the Insurance business I dealt with mostly MAD people . It wasn 't fun . If I hadn 't been paid for it and needed the money , I wouldn 't have done it . . : - ) . Love my job ? I don 't think so . Are these people for real ? The weather has sure done a 180 down here . Yesterday morning we went on our walk at 6 : 30 am before daylight and it was 70 deg . We were in shorts and T - shirts . NICE ! Now we remember why we are down here ! ! ! I see it 's " - 15 " in Custer , SD this morning ! Wow ! The Weather Forecasters down here are usually pretty accurate . They had a freeze warning out so we knew it was going to be cold . Yesterday it was 31 deg down here in Mission , TX . when we got up . Frost was definitely on the Pumpkin and everything else ! ! We never sleep with any heat on , so it didn 't take me long to get dressed . Too cold for the heat pump , so both electric heaters were activated and I continued putting on clothes . . . . 3 shirts , my hooded sweat shirt and sweat pants . My insulated coveralls were in the basement or I would have put them on . The Blue Flame Heater is also put away , but I sure could have used it . The sun is just coming up , Frost is on the grass , all the roofs and my poor ole Truck is saying " You promised to take me where it is warm " . Well , we are as far SOUTH as we can get in the US . Just a mile South is Mexico , and I 'm not about to go there ! Our friends , Larry and Jeri Gustafson , from Custer , SD , who have been visiting us and touring the south , decided this was the morning for them to head on West towards Arizona . The cold didn 't bother them much , they are used to it . Above they are all prepared to HEAD WEST ! ! We certainly enjoyed having them with us and wish the weather could have been better . Except for the first afternoon and evening they arrived , the weather has been LOUSY to BAD . Several days we were confined to the inside as it downpoured outside . They enjoyed Retama RV Park , the Pool and the Exercise room , but I think they had seen about all of the Rio Grande Valley they wanted . Seminole State Park West of Del Rio is their next stop , then on to Big Bend National Park , south of Alpine . Safe Travels Guys . . . . . see you in Arizona ! Wouldn 't it be shocking to be across the street in the Club House having coffee and hear sirens outside and see Fire Trucks pull up in front of your RV ? Yes . . . . shocking , but not FUN ! ! That 's what happened to our friends and neighbors Bob and Kathleen Gomez . Shortly after Larry and Jeri had left , I noticed smoke at the West end of our Park but they burn Sugar Cane often around here and I assumed that 's what it was . At the same time , I heard several sirens in the distance , but since there is a lot of Border Patrol activity in this area , that also happens regularly . It crossed my mind about the smoke being an RV Fire since it was so close and when I saw this Firetruck pull up down at the other end of the Park , I knew something was up . I hollered at Pat and got on my bike and headed that way . I saw that it was Bob and Kathleen 's Motorhome and was told immediately that they were not in the Rig . Soon there were 3 Fire Trucks , several Police cars and an Ambulance . The smoke was really bellowing up by then . Darn ! I ran off without my camera . . . . fine Photographer I am ! ! The fire started somewhere around the Furnace , which is right below the Refrigerator and between the damage the fire did and the damage the Firemen did , I personally feel the Coach is definitely a " Total Loss " . . . no question . See the Fireman on top of the Motorhome in the picture ? What 's he doing you say ? Well , he 's chopping a hole in the roof ! ! One of the others was knocking out the windows with a sledge hammer ! ! The Gomez 's are in a mess right before the holidays and our hearts go out to them . The inside of their beautiful home is water and foam soaked . Its a wet , slick , slimy , burned and smokey mess . They have lots of friends here and everyone is helping out but it has to be devastating for them . The most important thing is they are OK and their little dog Cookie is OK . We thank God for that . After hearing about Nick and Terry Russell 's robbery and now the Gomez 's fire , that 's about all the excitement we could stand for this week . Thanks for stopping by . It 's 50 deg this morning , so we are looking forward to some warmer weather and getting ready for our weekly motorcycle ride . ON THE SPORTS FRONT . . . . . My CONGRATULATIONS go out to the NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS for a Superb Football game with the # 3 Texas Longhorns last night in the Cowboy 's Stadium . What a GAME ! ! ! Texas was favored by several Touchdowns . The entire game was CLOSE ! UN was ahead the entire first quarter . . . . then Texas managed to kick a field goal in the last SECOND and win by 1 point . 13 to 12 . . . . Big Red is Comin ' BACK ! ! ! ! Yesterday was a great Football day . I also watched , and was pleased to see Alabama STOP the # 1 ranked Unversity of Florida . Being the Florida State Fans that we are , that was good in our book . . . LOL . Sorry Tebow and Gator fans ! ! I know the loss was tough . If I was a Carpenter , I 'd be working on building an Ark . It started raining early Monday morning and it didn 't stop until last night . It reallycame down . . . as they say in " Buckets " . I checked my rain gauge last night and there was 3 inches . By Tuesday I was beginning to get cabin fever , so I suggested to Ms Pat that it would be a good day to go to a movie . We have been wanting to see " Blind Side " since we have heard so many great reviews about it . We have a large Movie Theater just a few miles down the road from our place . So we went to the 11 : 30am early showing . The parking lot was a Lake . In order to get to a parking area we had to go through water that was so deep it came up and slightly over the bottom of our doors on the Honda CRV ! . . . . . part of the street was even closed . . . . . WOW ! I will add to the GREAT reviews of this movie . It was superb ! ! It 's been a long time since I 've seen a movie without any sex and violence . It was well worth the price of admission and I would suggest you all see it . A lot of you will recognize our friends Larry and Geri Gustafson , Owners and Operators of the Broken Arrow Campground just South of our place in the Black Hills . Many of you have stayed with them at their " superb " Campground . I 'm happy to report that they are parked right next to us down here at our place in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas . They arrived Sunday afternoon and we are so glad to see them . Unfortunately , the next morning it started raining and continued for 2 days straight . However , we were able to get some good " visit " time in . Now if it will just clear up so we can do something ! So far they are enjoying the Swimming Pool and the Hot Tub , along with the Exercise Room . Today we hope to get in a Hike in the Bentsen - Rio Grande Valley State Park next door . I notice that the sky is CLEAR . . . Hallelujah ! ! It 's 45 deg here this morning , dark , damp and we are freezing to death . We have the Heat Pump and the little electric heater running . However , I notice that it is 12 * up in the Black Hills . Now that makes me feel warmer ! ! We sold our home in Tallahassee , FL and began full - timing 16 years ago . We recently purchased a home at North Ranch and now have a Cabin on our property in the Black Hills . . . so we are now part - timing again . We stay on our property in the Black Hills south of Custer in the Summer and at North Ranch in Congress , Arizona in the Winter . We only travel a few months out of the year , visiting kids and friends around the country when we can . We hope you will join us on our adventures and visit us at our homes when you are in the area . Please feel free to leave us a comment . Mike & Pats present locationMeet our little " sweetheart " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

This will be my last Blog for 2009 . Here it is December 30TH and we will be celebrating the New Year in the Rio Grande Valley near McAllen , TX again for the 3RD year in a row . Tomorrow is New Year 's eve and as usual , I 'm sure we will be sound asleep when midnight comes . Then on New Year 's day , we will have Champagne and our usual " traditional " Southern New Year 's dinner of Black Eyed Peas , Collard Greens and Ham . We have done that for as many years as I have known Ms Pat and it has become one of my favorites . She is the world 's most wonderful cook and I love her " southern " traditions . BTW . . . . the Black Eyed Peas are for " good luck " , the Collard Greens are for " wealth " and the Ham is one of my favorites . I only get it on special occasions . : - ) . On these last few days of the year , I can 't help but look back over the past year at all the things we 've done . All in all , it has been a GREAT YEAR ! A lot of interesting things happened , but the thing that I am most thankful for is that our health has remained excellent . That 's mighty important at any age , but especially important at our age . Looking back at the daily records I keep , I see Ms Pat is 16 lbs lighter than she was last year and I am 8 lbs lighter . Our daily exercise , careful planning and food management program continue to pay off . It takes a lot of will power and determination , but those kind of results make it all worth while . We finally got our little building on our lot at North Ranch in Arizona stuccoed . We had been wanting to get that done for several years . We got our Toy Barn at Custer electrified and a 50amp RV plug installed as planned . That along with this little patio extension project has about been the extent of our construction projects for the year . Oh , and I forgot to mention that we completed the patio project just before Christmas . . . . . Thankfully ! ! I was getting a little tired of this project . It took over a month to complete . About 3 weeks longer than expected . We kept getting rained out and things don 't dry out down here very fast . This dirt pile has since been removed and we are happy with our " little " project . It will be nice to have a place to get our trash container and a few other items out of sight . Another accomplishment we made this year was getting back into the Harley corner by purchasing the Heritage Softail Police Officers Special Edition Motorcycle . That made me real happy ! We also purchased a great Polaris 500 Sportsman 4 - wheeler to ride in the Black hills . We enjoy 4 - wheeling in the Hills very much . Plus , we bought a cargo trailer . We have that all fixed up and prepared to haul the Harley or the Polaris . We are looking forward to taking our Volvo truck as a motorhome and pulling the trailer with the Harley up through Montana to Glacier National Park next summer . We 'll also make a stop in Idaho . I have always wanted to take Ms Pat to Coeur d ' Alene . I think it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen . However , I think the next most memorable and enjoyable thing that has come into our life this year is Ms Megabyte2 . The Joy and Happiness that little gal has brought us is nothing short of a " miracle " . . It was Sunday evening , Feb 1ST , when we made the decision to take her with us the next morning on our move to Arizona . Right up until then , we planned on leaving without her . How we could have even thought of such a thing is now amazing . When Kathy Detweiler told me that she was an " Angel Kitty " , I broke ! I knew then that she was ours and going with us . I had always had the feeling that Scott sent her to us , but for someone else to confirm it , I knew it was true . She is truly an " Angel Kitty " , Thank You Scott and Thank You Kathy ! Here she was on the day after Christmas last year . She was still sleeping out under an old shed out back and she was coming over and visiting us a lot . The night before we departed a month later was the first night she ever spent inside with us . She has only been away one night since . That was when she spent the night at the Vets after her cesarian operation . She is such a joy . So thats about it . There is more but these are the highlights and I 'm sure you are bored by now . One more Football game this year . TODAY the Nebraska Cornhuskers play Arizona in the Holiday Bowl at San Diego at 7pm tonight ( Central time ) . I 'll be cheering them on as long as I can stay awake , so I hope it 's a good game . It should be . Nebraska is ranked 20TH and Arizona is 22ND . It 's on ESPN . Then on FRIDAY ( New Year 's Day ) Florida State plays West Virgina in the Gator Bowl at Jacksonville . That is going to be Bobby Bowden 's final game . We will be cheering them and him on at 12pm ( central ) . Its on CBS . Bobby is a Giant of a man and I respect him whole heartedly . He and I came to Tallahassee about the same time and we both left our mark on the place . His much more noticable than mine ! I met him several times as he and Ann used to eat at the same Restaurant lots of times and I attended many Monday " quarterback " luncheons after the football games where he was usually the speaker . We had season tickets for years . . . Christmas Day came and we carried on with our traditional " Walk on the Beach " that I mentioned in my last Blog . We left home about 8 : 00 am on Christmas morning and headed East towards South Padre Island . We had been invited to stop and see our friends Larry and LaVila Lawrence at their RV Resort in Mercedes , TX . We stopped and said a quick hello , Merry Christmas greetings and hugs . We hadn 't seen them yet this winter as they have been very busy building a shelter and outdoor kitchen on their place . Then we continued on to the Beach . We managed to " Walk on the Beach " , but we didn 't linger . It sure wasn 't as nice as it was last year or the year before . The place wasn 't overcrowded that 's for sure but there were a few people mingling around . We drove on the Beach for several miles and found a quiet little spot and just sat back and watched the waves roll in . It was beautiful inside the car and out of the wind . We had a little Champagne toast to the occasion , reminisced old times and reminded ourselves how lucky we are and how much we have to be thankful for . Topped that off with a lunch of Cheese and Crackers , which made for another memorable Christmas Day . Christmas eve we had our usual fun get together at the Club House . Of course , also as usual food was plentiful . Ms Pat and Dale Bruss are enjoying themselves . Here is Ms Pat modeling her new Harley Davidson knit jacket that Santa found way down deep in his sack and presented to her just moments before we came to this celebration . On my way home from the Clubhouse , I wanted to get a picture of our good friends Greg and Bonnie Gheyssen 's Christmas decorations . I think they have the BEST ! Greg and Bonnie have a beautiful Volvo Truck and Escalade Toy Hauler 5TH wheel all paint matched and they keep it looking sharp . They haul 2 Harleys in the back of the Toy Hauler and even have a Harley for Santa . . . . . A special greetings to our friends and neighbors Doug and Jutta Franks who left here just a few days ago and flew to Germany to spend the Holidays with Jutta 's family . Have fun guys , enjoy and safe travels back here toTexas . We miss you but we 'll see ya in a few days . Way back in 1977 , my Company transferred me from Denver , Colorado to Tallahassee , Florida . I didn 't want to go . . . I was having too much fun skiing Vail and the back bowls of the mountains . Every weekend I was high up in the new fresh powder snow , having a ball . Sometimes in Corporate management , they need you to do a project so bad that they don 't care how much FUN you 're having . Such was the case in this instance . I found myself meeting a Moving van in the town of Tallahassee , Florida . Never been there before in my life and didn 't know a thing about it . Didn 't matter , I was there anyhow and had a job to do . I set about my assigned tasks , happy or not . The job was so tough and involved I didn 't have time to even think about it . I was so busy , good thing I was single at the time , because I was working 6 days a week from sunup until sundown . That was a good thing , too , because whenever I did stop , even for a minute , I became so lonesome for my 3 boys back in Nebraska that I would become deeply depressed . My only salvation was to get back to work . With the amount of time I was putting in , it wasn 't long until the project showed great improvement and with that it became a lot easier . It didn 't take near as much of my time and I at least had weekends and holidays off When Winter came and Christmas was nearing , I couldn 't believe it . I had never been anywhere that it wasn 't very COLD and SNOWING in the winter . The City of Tallahassee put up Christmas decorations and the stores started playing Christmas Music . I was in my shirt sleeves in hot , humid weather , listening to " Jingle Bells " playing around town . I couldn 't get the Christmas Spirit at all . This was my NEW WORLD . Christmas day came and , of course , I was alone . Talking to my boys on the phone hours on end didn 't seem to cut it . I missed them very much . Christmas Day was a beautiful . sunny day and I had nothing to do . I wanted to get out and go somewhere . I thought about where to go but I didn 't know the area very well at all yet . I finally decided I 'd go about 45 miles South to the Gulf of Mexico . I drove down to Alligator Point and stood astonished staring out at the Gulf of Mexico . The Beaches were deserted and I wandered up and down them all afternoon and only saw a few other people . I had never seen so much water in all my mid - western life . This was too much and I only wished my boys were there with me to enjoy it . As I was walking on the Beach , I was thinking " you know , people back home in Nebraska , South Dakota and Colorado just wouldn 't believe this " ! Walking on the Beach in my barefeet , T - shirt and shorts , looking at all that beautiful water . It was then and there that I made the decision that whenever I was close to a Beach on Christmas day , I would go there , walk and make it a " Christmas Tradition " ! Since then , except for 3 quick years when I was transferred to Salt Lake City , Utah to correct another problem , I went to the Beach every Christmas Day . The closest beach to us here in the Rio Grande Valley , is South Padre Island on the West side of the Gulf of Mexico . That 's where we are headed Friday . It 's about 90 miles and we have gone there the last 2 years . It 's not near as pretty as the Florida Beaches , but the water and beach are there and it 's very enjoyable . We thank God for all we have . Soon 2009 will be History ! It went very fast for me . How about you ? This is our 3RD winter down here in the Rio Grande Valley in South Texas near McAllen . It has also been our coolest . Not that it 's real cold , just Wet , Cloudy , Foggy and plain Dreary . We had another 3 . 5 inches of rain this week and every morning it is extremely Foggy and it 's mid morning or noon before it burns off and then it is still quite cloudy . The Sun has peaked out a few times but not near enough to satisfy me . However , from what I hear it 's been that way a lot of places . This wet cold is the worst . . . . . seems a lot colder here at 45 - 50 deg than it is in AZ or SD at the same temp . It reminds me of Florida . I always said I got as cold in Florida as I ever did back home in Nebraska . But to look at the good side , we never did have to scoop any snow in Florida , nor have we had to here in South Texas . I 've sure scooped my share in Nebraska ! ! Cool , Cold , Foggy or what ever , we still manage to get in our " walk in the park " . Every morning at 6 : 30 we head out in the Black Dark Fog to do our 1 hour 4 mile walk in the Bentsen Rio Grande State Park , about 2 blocks form where we live . Almost every morning we see several Javelina 's . I have some pictures below : We have seen as many as 13 in a group . One morning we saw 2 tiny little babies . They were following their " momma " and getting breakfast when ever she stopped for a moment . Remember this couple ? I showed you a picture of them way back in 2007 when we first started walking this Park every morning . This is Red and Louise , Winter Texans from Michigan . They have been coming down to the Rio Grande Valley for over 25 years . They come to the park every morning and arrive at 6 : 00 am . They are professional " Bird Watchers " . They know their birds ! Much of the time they carry a large spot light . . What a lovely couple they are ! ! We have gotten to know them quite well . They seldom ever miss a morning . Rain , shine , cold or warm , they will be here . They are both 85 + and walk several miles every morning . Each year when we come back we always ask each other , " Will Red and Louise be here " ? Back in Jan of 2007 when I took this picture it was super cold . We were all bundled up and still freezing to death but Red and Louise were still out there . They started out years ago in an RV but have now downsized to a Park Model . However , they are still very active and a great inspiration and idol to Pat and I . We sure enjoy them . I 'm hoping it will clear off enough that we can get get on the Harley for a little ride this morning . It 's still real dark out there , but I went out and walked around , it looks promising . Although there is no place to go here and absolutely nothing to see , I still love to ride . This is the " SPECIAL " Christmas Tree I was telling you about . Isn 't it beautiful ? It is special for us because my Mother made it . It is " Ceramic " . She made it many , many years ago . How many years , I 'm not sure . Maybe some of the Grandkids can remember , but I 'd guess 25 , 30 , , , maybe more ? I remember it every Christmas at her house and in their RV when they used to go to Arizona every winter . Ms Pat always loved and adored this little tree . When Mom went to that Great RV Park in the Sky 3 years ago , we put this little tree in storage . We really didn 't have room to carry it in our 5TH wheel , but this year we brought it to be a part of our new Coach House . We will probably be here every Christmas , so we 'll leave it stored in the Coach House . I just love it , the way all the little colored lights glow and the Star sets on top . I enjoy sitting in the dark with it on , just looking at it and remembering Mom . God Bless her . I know she is smiling down on us and her Beautiful Christmas tree . Meanwhile , it is raining " buckets " outside . It started at Happy Hour yesterday and rained steady all night long . So . . . . . . . our little project is still on " hold " . We started it before Thanksgiving . . . maybe it will be finished by Christmas ? ? ? Mike In hopes of making Christmas a little more enjoyable for some youngsters we bought a couple stuffed Animal Toys and took them to the local Harley Davidson Dealer . This is a wonderful program and most all Harley Davidson Dealers across the country participate and collect thousands and thousands of Toys for Tots . When we arrived with the Toys , there were 2 Marine Reservists on hand receiving them and giving out " I donated a Toy " pins and other gifts to those that brought toys . They had a lot of toys and I 'm sure lots more will come . It 's a good feeling to think you might make some deserving youngster happy and their Christmas a little more enjoyable . We started back on our " Project " this week , but it was so wet we had to wait until it dried out . Therefore , we still didn 't get it done . Like I said , you just can 't get in a hurry around here ! Here are a couple pictures of what we got done . This will be a nice place to " hide " a few things . Oh ya , maybe we can even put our BBQ grill in there and the wind won 't blow it out all the time ! I think we should paint the fence to match the Coach House . What do you think ? We have completed 12 ' behind the Coach House and have 40 ' to finish . it takes a lot of sand to get it level . . I have already hauled 48 sacks of paver sand from Home Depot and may have to go for more . Hopefully , we will be able to complete the job next week . I 'm getting tired of having this mess on our Patio . Why do these " Projects " always take longer and cost more than you think they will ? I guess I 'll never learn . As Christmas nears , decorations are going up all around town and in the RV Park . I 'm going to have to venture out after dark one of these nights and see them . Don 't get out after dark much anymore , except early in the morning when we go out walking . Some of the Christmas lights are still on at 6 : 30 am when we head out on our walk , but not all of them . . Ms Pat put up our Christmas Tree about a week ago . I 'll have to remember to take a picture of it for you . It 's a " special " Christmas tree . More pictures of our friends Bob and Kathleen Gomez 's Motorhome Fire . Fires are not pretty , but these pictures sure emphasize the mess and problems involved . Since Bob and Kathleen knew Ms Pat was involved in Insurance as an Agent for many years and I had 30 years experience as an Insurance Adjuster , they ask us to give them some assistance . I first took a lot of pictures to substantiate the damages for them and explained what the adjuster would do . They called their Insurance Co and were advised an Adjuster would be out to inspect the damage Monday . Here are some pictures in an album of their Motorhome after the Fire . Note the dripping water and foam drenching everything . This picture is blurry for some reason but when you look at it in the album , it clears up . I feel so sorry for anyone involved in a fire . It is such a mess . When one is a full time Rv ' er , he has gotten rid of most of his " stuff " , except for the most important and memorable " stuff " . Now they must sort through what is left and determine if it is salvagable or not . Soaked clothes , furniture and many , more personal belongings . What a job ! A few years of handling these type losses was enough for me . I started specializing in Automobile Personal Injury and Litigation . It was much easier for me to settle lawsuits with Attorneys and direct lawsuits in Litigation than it was to sit down with folks and go item by item through all their prize personal , memorable belongings . That was a SAD job . I loved wrestling and haggling with Attorneys . Sometimes I even beat them in their own game . That was especially enjoyable . It wasn 't fun and I spent a lot of sleepless nights when we were trying lawsuits and playing Russian Roulette with a Jury , but it paid well so I stuck it out . When I retired at age 57 , I was a nervous wreck . My health was bad . My blood pressure and every other bad health item was way too high . I was overweight and I drank entirely too much . Strangely enough 6 months after I left the business , my blood pressure and weight went down and my general health improved immensely . The Dr told me , " I don 't know what you 're doing , but keep doing it " . I told him that I had just gotten out of a quite stressful job . He said that getting out may have saved my life . I must say that I always envied people that loved their jobs . I never could figure that out . All my years on the Highway Patrol , I dealt with mostly BAD people and in the Insurance business I dealt with mostly MAD people . It wasn 't fun . If I hadn 't been paid for it and needed the money , I wouldn 't have done it . . : - ) . Love my job ? I don 't think so . Are these people for real ? The weather has sure done a 180 down here . Yesterday morning we went on our walk at 6 : 30 am before daylight and it was 70 deg . We were in shorts and T - shirts . NICE ! Now we remember why we are down here ! ! ! I see it 's " - 15 " in Custer , SD this morning ! Wow ! The Weather Forecasters down here are usually pretty accurate . They had a freeze warning out so we knew it was going to be cold . Yesterday it was 31 deg down here in Mission , TX . when we got up . Frost was definitely on the Pumpkin and everything else ! ! We never sleep with any heat on , so it didn 't take me long to get dressed . Too cold for the heat pump , so both electric heaters were activated and I continued putting on clothes . . . . 3 shirts , my hooded sweat shirt and sweat pants . My insulated coveralls were in the basement or I would have put them on . The Blue Flame Heater is also put away , but I sure could have used it . The sun is just coming up , Frost is on the grass , all the roofs and my poor ole Truck is saying " You promised to take me where it is warm " . Well , we are as far SOUTH as we can get in the US . Just a mile South is Mexico , and I 'm not about to go there ! Our friends , Larry and Jeri Gustafson , from Custer , SD , who have been visiting us and touring the south , decided this was the morning for them to head on West towards Arizona . The cold didn 't bother them much , they are used to it . Above they are all prepared to HEAD WEST ! ! We certainly enjoyed having them with us and wish the weather could have been better . Except for the first afternoon and evening they arrived , the weather has been LOUSY to BAD . Several days we were confined to the inside as it downpoured outside . They enjoyed Retama RV Park , the Pool and the Exercise room , but I think they had seen about all of the Rio Grande Valley they wanted . Seminole State Park West of Del Rio is their next stop , then on to Big Bend National Park , south of Alpine . Safe Travels Guys . . . . . see you in Arizona ! Wouldn 't it be shocking to be across the street in the Club House having coffee and hear sirens outside and see Fire Trucks pull up in front of your RV ? Yes . . . . shocking , but not FUN ! ! That 's what happened to our friends and neighbors Bob and Kathleen Gomez . Shortly after Larry and Jeri had left , I noticed smoke at the West end of our Park but they burn Sugar Cane often around here and I assumed that 's what it was . At the same time , I heard several sirens in the distance , but since there is a lot of Border Patrol activity in this area , that also happens regularly . It crossed my mind about the smoke being an RV Fire since it was so close and when I saw this Firetruck pull up down at the other end of the Park , I knew something was up . I hollered at Pat and got on my bike and headed that way . I saw that it was Bob and Kathleen 's Motorhome and was told immediately that they were not in the Rig . Soon there were 3 Fire Trucks , several Police cars and an Ambulance . The smoke was really bellowing up by then . Darn ! I ran off without my camera . . . . fine Photographer I am ! ! The fire started somewhere around the Furnace , which is right below the Refrigerator and between the damage the fire did and the damage the Firemen did , I personally feel the Coach is definitely a " Total Loss " . . . no question . See the Fireman on top of the Motorhome in the picture ? What 's he doing you say ? Well , he 's chopping a hole in the roof ! ! One of the others was knocking out the windows with a sledge hammer ! ! The Gomez 's are in a mess right before the holidays and our hearts go out to them . The inside of their beautiful home is water and foam soaked . Its a wet , slick , slimy , burned and smokey mess . They have lots of friends here and everyone is helping out but it has to be devastating for them . The most important thing is they are OK and their little dog Cookie is OK . We thank God for that . After hearing about Nick and Terry Russell 's robbery and now the Gomez 's fire , that 's about all the excitement we could stand for this week . Thanks for stopping by . It 's 50 deg this morning , so we are looking forward to some warmer weather and getting ready for our weekly motorcycle ride . ON THE SPORTS FRONT . . . . . My CONGRATULATIONS go out to the NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS for a Superb Football game with the # 3 Texas Longhorns last night in the Cowboy 's Stadium . What a GAME ! ! ! Texas was favored by several Touchdowns . The entire game was CLOSE ! UN was ahead the entire first quarter . . . . then Texas managed to kick a field goal in the last SECOND and win by 1 point . 13 to 12 . . . . Big Red is Comin ' BACK ! ! ! ! Yesterday was a great Football day . I also watched , and was pleased to see Alabama STOP the # 1 ranked Unversity of Florida . Being the Florida State Fans that we are , that was good in our book . . . LOL . Sorry Tebow and Gator fans ! ! I know the loss was tough . If I was a Carpenter , I 'd be working on building an Ark . It started raining early Monday morning and it didn 't stop until last night . It reallycame down . . . as they say in " Buckets " . I checked my rain gauge last night and there was 3 inches . By Tuesday I was beginning to get cabin fever , so I suggested to Ms Pat that it would be a good day to go to a movie . We have been wanting to see " Blind Side " since we have heard so many great reviews about it . We have a large Movie Theater just a few miles down the road from our place . So we went to the 11 : 30am early showing . The parking lot was a Lake . In order to get to a parking area we had to go through water that was so deep it came up and slightly over the bottom of our doors on the Honda CRV ! . . . . . part of the street was even closed . . . . . WOW ! I will add to the GREAT reviews of this movie . It was superb ! ! It 's been a long time since I 've seen a movie without any sex and violence . It was well worth the price of admission and I would suggest you all see it . A lot of you will recognize our friends Larry and Geri Gustafson , Owners and Operators of the Broken Arrow Campground just South of our place in the Black Hills . Many of you have stayed with them at their " superb " Campground . I 'm happy to report that they are parked right next to us down here at our place in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas . They arrived Sunday afternoon and we are so glad to see them . Unfortunately , the next morning it started raining and continued for 2 days straight . However , we were able to get some good " visit " time in . Now if it will just clear up so we can do something ! So far they are enjoying the Swimming Pool and the Hot Tub , along with the Exercise Room . Today we hope to get in a Hike in the Bentsen - Rio Grande Valley State Park next door . I notice that the sky is CLEAR . . . Hallelujah ! ! It 's 45 deg here this morning , dark , damp and we are freezing to death . We have the Heat Pump and the little electric heater running . However , I notice that it is 12 * up in the Black Hills . Now that makes me feel warmer ! ! We sold our home in Tallahassee , FL and began full - timing 16 years ago . We recently purchased a home at North Ranch and now have a Cabin on our property in the Black Hills . . . so we are now part - timing again . We stay on our property in the Black Hills south of Custer in the Summer and at North Ranch in Congress , Arizona in the Winter . We only travel a few months out of the year , visiting kids and friends around the country when we can . We hope you will join us on our adventures and visit us at our homes when you are in the area . Please feel free to leave us a comment . Mike & Pats present locationMeet our little " sweetheart " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

2 . He makes me laugh . ( Sometimes even when I really don 't want to . ) 3 . He said in Pre - Cana that I was the only one who had enough energy to keep up with him . On the other hand , he gets me to do things I would never otherwise do . I 'm still working on the River Socks . I have one done and have started the second . It should go pretty quickly . I was also able to do 3 rows on my Maplewing while I was at the River but as unblocked lace really doesn 't look like much I won 't add another picture here . And I wound my purple Malbrigo sockweight into a ball so I 'm ready for my Kai - Mei 's ( Rav Link ) as soon as I finish Mom 's socks . There was also a nice yarn crawl with Mom while I was up north and I really love the selection of yarns at Misty Hollow in Potsdam . I got sock yarn for DD 's Johnny Boy ( Rav Link ) which I hope to have done in time for her birthday but that might be a stretch . I also got a sock yarn for myself there and another at Fiber Options in Renssalear Falls . More on that when I have pics . There were fish and chips and Tiger Tail ice cream . If you 've never had Tiger Tail ice cream you 're really missing out on one of the wonders of the world . It 's orange ice cream with stripes of black licorice through it . Well yes , you have to like black licorice but if you do this stuff is absolutely the best . And of course what makes it even more special for me is the only place I 've EVER seen it the ice cream stand on Blockhouse Island in Brockville , Ontario . If you ever get there you must give it a try . That 's 7 yo DD taking her first jumps off the lower cliffs with DH and I . Honestly , is there anything better to do on a 95 degree F day ? I don 't think so . But DS isn 't a jumper so he took the pics . You float down the channel a couple hundred feet keeping close to the cliffs so you don 't get pulled too far . Then you climb up the rocks to get back on the island . And there were Water Wars . I 've never seen this elsewhere either but this can 't be the only place that has it . First you fill your balloons . Then you load up and prepare to fire at the other side . And you end up looking like . . . I will fully admit to ducking out of the firing range several times to keep from getting utterly soaked which , according to the posted rules of the game , is a no - no and opened me up to jeering and cat calls from the crowd and my family . The crowd was quite nice about it . My family , not so much . I 'm sure they 'll never let me live it down . And so I spent what will probably be the hottest days of Summer 2010 fully enjoying the St . Lawrence and all it has to offer . And knitting . And buying yarn . ( Check out the sky . And this is anal but don 't the needles match the yarn really well ? ) The middle of the St . Lawrence River is a fine place to knit a pair of socks . I worked on these in the boat today after a great adventure which I 'll describe further below . These are for my Mom , who we 're visiting , out of some of the JoAnne 's Sensations Sock Yarn that I got on sale a couple of weeks ago . The cool thing about these , I hope , is that I 'm trying Nancy Bush 's Estonian Cast on and I knit the first row and purled the second row as she suggests in this video . Quite honestly when the sock isn 't stretched out I think it 's a bit bulky for a K3P2 rib but when I stretch as it will be when it 's on the leg I think it looks nice . I think it would work better with a non - ribbed pattern coming right after the purl row or without doubling the " thumb " yarn and / or skipping the K row and the P row . I guess that will only make sense if you watch the video , which I highly recommend . I 'll keep you posted on how it turns out . It 's also supposed to be extra stretchy which I hope will make it easier for Mom to put on . MusingsWe 're on vacation at home , My home . Where I grew up . Home being my folks house on the St . Lawrence River also known as The Most Beautiful Place In The World . The air here is clear and the water is clear and the sky is clear and it 's clean and quiet and very Siddhartha . I sit on the dock for hours listening to the water and watching it go by . And I do some knitting . There are windows on 3 sides of the room . It 's amazing . My goal some day is to spend the night in the Royal Suite , get up before sunrise and watch is rise over the U . S . then sit all day in that room knitting and watching the water go by until the sun sets . It would be coolest to do that on June 20th - summer solstice . Another cool fact is that Mr . Bourne , who built it - not Jason Bourne mind you but another most likely less hot guy but with an island - full of money - also bought a couple small neighboring islands . One of those neighboring islands was in Canada . He used it to grow vegetables for the main island AND , during prohibition , his daughter used the Canadian island to store her booze since it was still legal there . Apparently there 's a huge wine cellar over there . Here 's the wine cellar on the main island which holds over 500 bottles in terra cotta . It 's cool . Other interesting facts about the island are that there are 2700 books in the library including a first edition of Woodstock by Sir Walter Scott and a 2nd edition of The Raven by Poe . I would have liked more time to look around the library , that 's for sure . I think she also said there 's an original Rembrandt in the library but my family disagrees . Also , I got to sit in the 1920 's era steam tank in the sports room - no steam working today though , but it was fun . It 's here - the last day of school . My youngest is home playing basketball in the driveway and the older guy will be back soon . I love having them home . I love planning fun things to do and having Star Wars marathons and Monopoly games on rainy days . When my whole family is home my world is at peace so there 's lots of that in the summer even if we have to wait for my husband to get home in the evening . I know - June Cleaver all over again but that 's just how it is for me - with maybe the Dead for the soundtrack instead of The Toy Parade . Here 's my brainstorm for the kids finding things to do this summer without me having to orchestrate everything . THE JARIt 's filled with slips of paper that have ideas of things to do written on them . Everything from Have a Pretend Christmas ( seriously , cookies , a big dinner , a gift for everyone - why the heck not ) to Jigsaw Puzzle . Some are things that cost money - most are not . Some are the toys we have that never get played with , some are places to go , card games , jigsaw puzzles , libraries , parks , hikes , you name it . So far it seems to be working with both kids - even the 12 year old who I thought might be a little old for this . But I put ideas in there for bigger people too , like Change All the Songs on Your Ipod or Make Optical Illusion Photos . ( Check out these good instructions eHow Optical Illusions Photos . ) And my 12 year old is a good guy , generally up for anything as long as he can bring a book just in case . Oh , and did I mention that I 'm going to do some knitting ? Duh ! I 'm in the Christmas Monthly Make Ahead group on Ravelry and although I make big plans in January that I don 't seriously intend to keep I get an awful lot done during the year by having a list of ideas . I do have 1 out of 3 kid blankets made out of Lion Brand Homespun for my brothers kids so I 'm doing the next 2 this summer for sure . Plus I love making them . I want to finish that gorgeous Alpaca pullover that has been dormant for , um , several months . I 'd like to have it for work next fall when it gets cool again . So that 's 3 projects . I don 't want to tie myself down too much because I like to let my mood direct my knitting . How funny is this . Younger one just came in and said , " I 'm hungry and I want to do a craft . Can I have some clean scissors to cut a tortilla into a snowflake ? " I 'm making the Swiss Cheese Scarf by Winnie Shih out of some 5 year old laceweight Rowan wool and I am just loving how it 's coming out . You probably can 't see the great nubs and texture on the yarn but they 're there making this one of the most tactile projects I 've worked on in a while . It 's lovely boring garter stitch which works well for me right now in my sleep deprived state of mind . The bind offs and cast ons for the holes keep it interesting enough and when it 's blocked it 'll look even cooler . Here 's the Ravelry Link for the pattern . Check out the projects page for it . I think it looks great in varigated yarns too . 1 . What 's your staple meal ( ie . what meal do you cook most often when you can 't be bothered to be adventurous ) ? Sandwiches . They 're my favorite thing to eat anyway . They 're completely easy to make . I always have something or other that I put in it if it 's cream cheese and jelly , peanut butter and banana , cheese and mustard or egg salad or something even " fancier " . And there 's very little clean up which is the main reason I can 't be bothered to make something adventerous . I also love love pretzels so a couple of pretzels on the side makes it a perfect meal for me . 2 . What do you want to be when you grow up ? I 'm already there . I want to be a stay at home Mom . I work part time but next year I need to take a full time job if I can get it so my dream job is almost over but , we do what we have to do . If I get the job I want working with kids in the computer lab at my daughter 's school that will be perfect and the next best thing to being a stay at home Mom . 3 . What book are you reading at the moment ( if any ) ? I 'm in the middle of book 2 of the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan but it 's getting a little slow so in the middle of it I read I am the Messenger by Markus Zusak which is FABULOUS . It 's a young adult title although a little rough even for young adults in my opinion but it 's riveting and very well written . I highly recommend it . Not a book but I also read the New Yorker magazine regularly and really enjoy it . 5 . What color are the interior walls of your home ? Ours are all white . We 've only lived here for 2 years and when we moved in we got the whole place painted white but I love it ! Aside from the fact that they get dirty easily they really show off my husbands collection of prints . If there was color on the walls I think it would detract from the artwork . Here 's his most recent to go up . ( Sorry for the glare . I guess I should have sprung for the glare free glass . ) 7 . What time is bedtime and getting up time ? Bed about 10 : 00pm - awake at 5 : 30am . 8 . How long do you spend reading blogs ( per day or per week ) ? I 'm going to say about 3 hours per week . I 'd like to read more but I just haven 't got the time . There are so many great writers out there ! To me it 's like reading magazines that are super - targeted to my interests . I yarn binged this week . Caught a sock yarn sale at Jo Anne Fabrics on Patons Kroy ( a long wearing standby for me ) and Sensations which I haven 't tried yet but it gets good reviews from Roue on the Knitcents Podcast so that 's okay by me . First I went to the yarn section of the store and there were 2 bins . One was a butt ugly colorway but I still picked it up for a while . In a fit of sanity I put it back down . The second was my second favorite colorway evuh . I picked up all 3 skeins and figured I was good to go . I went up to the registers to pay and there , waiting , just for me , was a basket of MORE sock yarn on clearance . With 4 more skeins of my 2nd Fave colorway and bunch more great ones . Oranges and Greens - SUCKER . . . Pinks and Blues - FOR MOM . . . I picked through it . Then , damn her , the check out lady at the other register saw me pawing through the basket and said , " Hey Honey ! There 's another whole basket of that stuff over here . " Crap . It was on sale cheeeeep in fun colorways and I bought so much that I 'm not posting a photo . Seriously . It 's embarassing . But I 'm loving the preprinted sock yarn so much for knitted baby gifts that I apparently , obviously , damn the groceries and let them eat . . . well . . . pb & j 's I guess , couldn 't resist . Check out the Johnny Boy and hat I just finished . And I love Phazelia 's Mitred Sweater ( Ravelry Link ) too . So what 's to stop a girl from buying a boatload of sock yarn on sale ? Just sayin . However , I was looking for the buttons for the Johnny Boy and it dawned on me ( rather , it slapped me in face ) that if I NEVER buy another craft supply in MY LIFE my kids will still be trying to sell this stuff at the Estate Sale . Really , can I burden them with that ? So here 's my plan . * Project . Knit something out of my scrap yarn . Project . Knit something out of my scrap yarn . Share - give away - use . Never go to Jo Anne Fabrics again ( muhwahahahahahaha ) * Repeat between * . . . * Get the idea ? Anyone need anything ? A belt buckle ? Buttons ? A Kilt Pin ( or four ) ? Beads ? Needles ? Embroidery Floss ? and don 't get me started on the non - fiber crap I 'm saving either for crafts that I never have time to do because I 'm a Knitter in Motion ( thanks Knitajourney . ) Seriously . Contact me . G ' night . You know you 're a knitter when you start getting up at 5 : 30 to get a few rows in on that intense project before the rest of the house wakes up . And yeah ! I have 2 FOs this week , a baby hat and DDs socks but no pics as of yet . Maybe later today . You know you 're a Trekky when all things in your life reference Trek . For example , last night I was thinking about a crazy movie that I watched once , the name of which escapes me , where 2 young women were in abusive relationships and got out of them . It 's a black , black comedy with abuse ( obviously ) and drugs and what not and I usually steer 1 , 000s of miles clear of those kinds of movies because that stuff upsets me and those movies get into my brain , I thought , just like one of those grubs that got put into Sulu 's ear and drove him mad . Seriously , do you reference Trek in your musings even when you 're not even talking to someone else ? You know you 're spreading your Trekkiness when your daughter , who is in 1st grade at the time , gets to tell a joke in class one day in school . " Oh , " I said , " what joke did you share ? " " I told this one , " said DD . " Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies room ? He wanted to go where no man had gone before . " Good joke , no ? But sad to say , the other 6 year olds didn 't get it . The teacher thought it was funny though . Do you think my daughter will bring this up in therapy when she 's 23 ? Lately I 've had a couple of knitting fails . I made the first of the purple cable socks for my Mom but it seemed a bit big to me . So although I started the second I wisely decided to wait until she tried on the first before I finished the second and boy am I glad I did because it was way too big around the leg and it wasn 't going to work out . I figure that took about 15 hours . I haven 't ripped it out because maybe I can think of someone with a big leg and foot that it would fit . On Friday I started a pair of ankle socks for my 7 year old daughter . I was on a school bus trip with my son - 2 . 5 hours of prime knitting time on the bus . For 8 hours we were at an amusement park where I spent a good 3 hours knitting and watching people go by and guarding stuffed animals and wet clothes . 5 . 5 hours of knitting time on a sock for my daughter but before I finished the toe I decided to let her try it on and I 'm glad I did because it was too small . I ripped it out to start again on Saturday during a 2 1 / 2 hour car ride . So here 's my question . What happened to that time ? On the one hand it 's lost time . Wasted . Because the products I thought I would have at the end of those 20 . 5 hours weren 't there . Then again I do consider myself a process knitter and I enjoy the act of knitting so didn 't I enjoy those 20 . 5 hours and gain some personal benfit from them ? So maybe they weren 't wasted . And as I sat in the amusement park I was chaperoning and watching all the people so by double tasking those hours I was still doing something and they weren 't wasted . And all that car riding was just car riding - nothing lost there . But it nags at me . All those hours of knitting with nothing to show . All those stitches and my hands are tired and nothing to show . Then again , isn 't a beautiful thing that I could pull that second sock out and re - knit the yarn into a sock that does fit ? Isn 't that just neat ? I 'm not sure what happens to that knitting time but I suppose it will happen sometimes and it 's not going to keep me from knitting of course . On project Monogomy I have this to say . I think it 's a cool idea but I can 't do it . Not only do my hands get sore from working with the size 1s all the time and I need to switch to a project with larger needles for a while but I 'm socked out for now . I love lots and lots of projects going so I can pick and choose depending on my mood . In fact , maybe I 'll cast something new on after dinner . So there . Projects One non - stealth stealth sock is done . I kept thinking it was taking me forever and amazingly it is in fact a bit long but the recipient 's foot is longer than mine so perhaps it will do . Nonetheless , I left the toe without sewing the end in just in case I need to rip it out and make it shorter . I hope to start the second sock as soon as the second child is tucked in tonight . I 'd love to have them done by Mother 's Day but with my upcoming schedule I 'm doubting it . I have 5 hours of driving to do tomorrow which I don 't begrudge at all but I haven 't figured out how to drive and knit yet . When will someone invent the autopilot car , please . Or better yet the transporter . Still , hope springs eternal . When these socks are done I have about 348 projects I want to start and about 5 to finish . Does that ever happen to you ? Musings I 'm really really really enjoying the Knitajourney podcast . Every episode has some nugget of thought provoking interesting something - or - other in it for me and I love it . First , I am a Knitter in Motion . Something must truly come in the way of my knitting for me to stop - and leaving the house doesn 't usually count unless it 's today when I had to take 2 kids to the same Dr 's office at 2 different times requiring driving all over the doggone county . I couldn 't take them both at once because there was State testing going on and my concientious son wouldn 't miss his test for the world . The Dr . did a double take when I showed up the second time . However , I had a lovely luncheon at Pannera with my 7 yo and some shopping which was also delightful which is great because I usually hate shopping . After shopping we stopped for a short visit and a friend 's house . She 's also a knitter and about 6 months ago I taught her to knit socks and she 's been on a big sock bender ever since . Guess what , I had no knitting with me . I think it was making her uncomfortable . Which leads me to another force of nature that can put me off my knitting - sleep deprivation . Sing it loud folks . I don 't care how old your children get , when they 're sick and up in the night you don 't sleep much and you get just as tired as you did when they were infants . Maybe I get more tired because frankly , I 'm older too . Proof of this is that I went out to buy them some shorts , t - shirts and jammies for summer in between Dr . s appt and discovered that the pjs were a size too big and the 2nd pair of shorts for my son were 3 sizes too small ! Further proof is that I left my house for a known Drs . appt , lunch , stopping at a knitting friend 's house AND I HAD NO KNITTING WITH ME THE WHOLE TIME . So I 'm working away on my Mom 's socks and knitting and knitting away and bang - I gotta work on something else . Yes , I have the attention span of a flea . It 's too hot to work with acrylic and my hands are sweating so the yarn is sticky but we 're watching a movie . Seriously , you can 't figure I 'm gonna not knit , right ? I think I 'll do a bookmark . I 'm going to try to sell some at the elementary school 's used booksale to raise some money for the school . This way I 'll have a little something to do but it won 't really take me away from the socks for long . So . . . off to find a pattern and how to starch them . The hot weather is apparently here . I sat in 85 degree Farenheit weather today at my son 's ballgame with sticky hands knitting socks for my Mom which I hope to have done in time for Mother 's Day next week . The pattern is Cable Rib Socks by Erica Alexander from Interweave Knits Spring 2005 . Here 's what it looks like so far . I like it well enough . I certainly like how it looks in the magazine . I must have done something wrong with the split for the heel because the cables below the gusset don 't seem to be 1 or 2 stitches off but upon reflection I decided I didn 't want the cable to run all the way down the foot anyway because I think it might be uncomfortable inside a shoe . So I just let it blend into the rib on the instep which I 'm keeping because Mom likes them with ribbing on the instep . If I end up not liking how it looks I 'll rip back and re - set the heel . I 'm using the Bernat Satin Sport Solids again as that 's her favorite yarn for socks . I know it 's probably sacrilege to most knitters to make a pair of acrylic socks but I swear she absolutely loves them ! She says they keep her feet warm and dry . I should borrow a pair some to see because I bet they wear like iron and at $ 1 . 50 a ball on sale at Michael 's ( it does take about 1 . 5 balls for a pair ) I really can 't go wrong . In other news , here 's the picture of the Buttercup . Gets up slowly to go take picture . . . wait for it . . . lame photo shoot . . . loading . . . and BAM - the power of technology . And a close up of the lace around the neckline which makes this shirt so special . That and the a - line fit . I 'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my angora / wool washable sock yarn that I got in VT on vacation . It 's sooooo darn soft . The contenders are currently two pairs of socks , Hat Heels ( rav link ) or Skew ( rav link ) OR a hat and cowl which would be the Tamarind Cowl ( rav link ) and a slouch hat of some sort . I 'll keep thinking about it while I finish these socks . And believe it or not I 've been making good ( in my opinion ) progress on my Maplewing Shawl . I 've been getting up at 6 : 00 a . m . on the weekends so I can have a hour or two before the rest of the house wakes up to concentrate . I 'm all the way to row 26 ! Hooray . It still doesn 't look like much so no picture but hopefully I can keep plugging away at it . Work has been quite tough which is why I haven 't posted in a while . I 'm enjoying the kids ' spring sports and music endeavors and we 're all looking forward to concert season . We looked at the SPAC schedule for the Philly orchestra today and picked out 6 at least that we want to go to including Yo Yo Ma , the Ode to Joy and Porgy and Bess . Our son is auditioning on part of Porgy and Bess next month for a percussion ensemble so he 'd really love to see that live . And the Saratoga Jazz Festival is at the end of June and looks to have a great line up . We 're especially excited for the Saturday which includes Al Jarreau and my favorite - Taj Mahal . We 're very lucky to live so close to such a world class venue . I haven 't been reading anything truly inspiring lately but lots of fun stuff . My daughter and I are reading Harry Potter . We 're on # 5 and trying to finish so we can read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy over the summer . My son and I have just started the Wheel of Time series ( 12 books I believe ) by Robert Jordan which David Reidy of Sticks and Strings Podcast recommends . I thought the first book was a little slow on the start but now I 'm really enjoying it . I also hope to read the Alexandria Quartet again this summer - a series I try to re - read every 7 or 8 years - but I 'm going to wait until the school year ends to attempt that . Last summer I failed at the Infinite Jest read - a - long . The characters in it were too creepily , realistically mad for me which is in fact a sign of really incredible writing but it was too much for me . The biographical critic would say that the writing made it obvious that David Wallace Foster had some real experience with depression and mental illness himself . I gave the book to a friend to keep myself from going back to it but the creativity and the fantastic , amazing ideas in it and all the deep references would make it a great read if the psychic pain the characters were in didn 't bother you . By Cassidy Once there were four friends and it was nearing winter so they went to find someplace warm to live in . First Bear and Cheetah found a miniature den that they could live in . Then Elephant found a small shelter that he could dwell in . It was really near winter now and Kangaroo didn 't have anyplace to live yet . Then she found a vast den that she could live in . After a while it was the middle of winter and the friends of Kangaroo got very jealous because she had the biggest den . Poor Elephant had icicles hanging off his trunk and tail . He was very snowy because his shelter was not very sturdy and it was breaking . So he went to ask Kangaroo if he could live with her . She said , " Yes . " When Bear saw this he went to ask if he could live with them too because he thought it would be fun to be all in one big den together . Of course , he would invite Cheetah if he got to live in their den . But they said , " No , because you have more fur than us and you can stay warm . " So Bear went back to his smaller den . The next day Cheetah went to ask and they said yes because he didn 't have as much fur as Bear . Bear got very furious at this because his friends wouldn 't let him be with them just because he had more fur . He went out of his den one day . When Cheetah saw that he was out , Cheetah went out too . Bear was still very angry so he hit Cheetah ! Cheetah fell into the sticky mud and he wanted to wash himself off so he went to a nearby ocean where he washed off . Elephant was getting worried about Cheetah so he went out to see what happened . He didn 't find the ocean at first because it wasn 't in that clearing . First he found Bear . And Bear hit Elephant too ! Elephant fell into the mud just like Cheetah . He wanted to wash off so he wandered around and found the ocean . Meanwhile Cheetah was talking to Whale in the ocean . Whale said , " You might want to go over to the other part of the ocean that doesn 't have any fish . You wouldn 't want to open your mouth to drink some water and get a fish in your mouth and chPosted by Lurv the Buttercup t - shirt I 'm working on . Here 's the Rav Linky since I can 't copy my own picture off Ravelry and I 'm too lazy to get up and go to the big computer to write this post and the picture is actually on the big computer . Maybe I should be uploading to Flickr but I can 't get myself to do one more step . Meanwhile , although I haven 't been blogging I talk to the blog in my head . Hmmm , this would be interesting to write about . Or that . Or the other thing . Whereupon the ideas promptly go out of my head and I keep truckin along . I 've also been going through all my knitting magazines and giving away those that I don 't know why I 'm keeping . I 've only kept a couple for the articles . The rest that I 'm choosing to keep have a pattern or two or more that I love which would normally give me a huge case of startitis but I love the Buttercup so much that I 'm pretty focused . Up until 2005 or so I 'd say Interweave Knits is winning the day but after that Vogue Knitting seems to be coming on strong . I think it would be fun to choose my favorite magazine of all and if I get time to do that I 'll share . I 've been giving the cast - offs to a couple of friends at work who knit and they 're enjoying some of the articles if not the patterns . Cast On magazine and Knitters magazine seem to be not my style at all . I saved 1 Knit ' N Style for an awesome Berrocco pattern that I 'd love to make and wear but it wasn 't on Ravelry so I can 't queue it . I tried to queue my favorites but lots of them weren 't on there . Oh well , that 's why I 'm keeping the mags , right ? I seem to be into colorwork right now . I know I might like a pattern out of these magazines some time in the future because tastes change , right ? But there are so many patterns coming out all the time that I had to get rid of some of the dead weight . I 'm still going through them so if anyone wants them let me know - I 'll mail them to you . In other news - bad bad bad bad sad allergy season for DS . Who wants to keep their child inside all spring in the great weather ! It stinks . It 's very tough at work right now with the kids but there 's great support from my higher ups . I 'm also bummed that Caprica is over for the season and as of last night Human Target is over for the season too ! What shall I do ? Any recommendations ? I had a day of tea and sunshine , cooking and knitting . I signed up for the Goddess Tea Club and got my first installment last week . It contained a lovely smelling herbal tea called Fir and a small baggie of a Summer tea and a really gorgeous teacup and saucer and today was finally the day to try it . Can you see the steam coming off the cup in the right hand picture ? The aroma was just amazing and the sun was shining on the table and I sat in the sun and drank this incredibly delicious tea and treated myself to a stupendous half hour of Peace and Quiet . ( The kids were upstairs playing legos . ) I drank the Fir and it did remind me of the forest with a slight mint taste and was very flavorful without being overpowering . To be honest , the smell was so strong that I wasn 't sure what it would taste like but it was just amazing . I can 't wait to let my husband try it . And look at that beautiful Japanese china teacup . I don 't own anything so delicate and lovely so it was such a beautiful surprise to find it in the box too . This is not a paid ad but if you like tea I recommend Goddess Teas and you can find her at http : / / goddessteas . com / . Plus she 's a knitter . C ' mon . I 'm continuing to chug away at the i - cord border of N 's blanket and I love it . I 'm also starting to think about which project I want to take with me on vacation . Oh so many choices but I think it might be one of those yummy yarns I put in a post a month or two ago . Beginnings . There 's a quote from the movie Dune that I like about beginnings but the one from the book doesn 't apply so much here . That 's what 's great about beginning a knitting project . There 's not so much committment in it because you can always rip out and start over or reuse . Still , the time is gone but what a nice way to spend time . And cooking . I 'm cooking pre - vacation and made some dinner rolls which came out a little funky probably due to the whole grain white flour I used and I made sauce in preparation for putting together the eggplant parmesan tomorrow . I 'm using my Mother - in - law 's incredible recipe except that hers includes meat and I don 't eat meat . But I 'm still including her secret ingredient which I was only given about 5 years ago ( 22 years into knowing this family ) when she was ill and couldn 't make the eggplant for the Family Reunion in the summer . I can 't reveal it here but I 'll let you know next week if it works without meat or not . And waffles . Gobs and Gobs of waffles were made today . My Mom says I was born a generation or two late and she might be right because for me this was the perfect day . Domesticity Rocks ! It 's almost done . If I had realized how much I could knit with 4 skeins of Lion Brand Homespun I would have made it wider but it got so long that I thought it would look strange if I kept going . Too long and narrow . As it stands now I think it 's perfect for a 5 - 10 year old and this way I can make him another when he gets to be a big teenager . Sorry for the rather crappy picture but the Syracuse game is on and I can 't take time away to do anything nicer . Jared Flood , where are you when I need you ? And how do you do that anyway ? I was thinking about that today . It 's the lighting . I think an eye for that " just right " lighting is a real talent . But the best . . . I - Cord edging . Why didn 't I think of it sooner ! If I had I wouldn 't have done the 5 stitch garter edge but it 's still great even though it 's going to take me as long to do the i - cord as it took me to knit the whole blanket . That 's okay . Apparently I 'm an idiot because I love doing idiot - cord . It 's rhythmic and looks so good that it 's worth it to me . No other projects going on right now but I 've got one more week of work and then SPRING BREAK and SKIING for 6 days so I 'm already pondering what project to bring and looking up yarn shops in Vermont . I 'm thinking sock yarns . I 've got several sweater amounts that I want to use already so unless I hit some killer sale it 'll be sock yarns for me . MusingsAnd I 've got a new niece ! My parents were here when we got the news and it made me wonder what it 's like to see your family grow into generations . She 's beautiful , of course , and I can 't wait to meet her . New life is just amazing and reminds me to hug my children and count my blessings and wonder at the world we live in . DD ( 7yo ) is also amazed and keeps repeating , " We have a whole ' nother person in our family now ! " It took a ski day to get my mojo back because as uninspired as I 've been I could not , in a million years , think about riding in a car for an hour doing nothing with my hands . So I pulled out my nephew 's blanket in Homespun and after a few frustrating minutes trying to remember the pattern , because of course it wasn 't in the bag , I got my mojo back and I got a good 15 inches done on it today . Yeah ! It 's interesting that this came up now because just Friday while I was raking leaves I was listening to some podcasts that I was behind on . I listened to Belle of the Ball episode 94 , The Mood Ring of Knitting . She talked about how she was stressed recently and hadn 't been knitting because of it . So I kept wondering if the same applied to me . There 's been stress aplenty but actually I think I got burned out from deadline and production knitting . The Ravelympics and knitting all those cozies did me in and I actually became more interested in cleaning the house than knitting ! Egads ! Of course the early spring weather contributed to that feeling but it 's amazing how much I can get done when I put down the needles . Which reminds me of a song , do you remember this one ? Check out what I found in the " Letters " section of the 1993 Winter Issue of Knitter 's that I was browsing through the other day . " In your Fall , ' 92 issue you printed a letter from someone regarding the Fibernet computer network . I own a PC but do not have a modem so am not able to access this network ( also the phone bill would be a bit much ! ) . . . " At the risk of sounding like an old fogey - man , remember that ! Remember modems and paying by the minute for being online ? And look how far we 've come . Not just Ravelry but all the myriad ways the crafting community uses the internet is amazing . What about Flikr and all the knitting magazines and sites and buying yarn online and blogging ! Wow . It really came home to me how crazy incredible the net is as a tool for communication when I was putting together the quarterly newsletter for my son 's middle school . So the different teams in the school and PTO committees and whoever else is interested e - mail 's submissions to me . These submissions have photos in them , links to websites and text . I basically just cut and paste and format everything nice nice and add bookmarks and all so it 's easy to move around . Then I convert it to a pdf file , post it to the website , send an e - mail to the community so people know it 's there ( just one e - mail and just one e - mail address to type in ) , and all that amazing information is passed onto the parents and students . Amazing ! Yesterday there were great photos of the kids in school and their projects and links to teenage brain development ( very interesting ) and so much more . It 's mind blowing if you stop and really think about it . Whether you 're knitting or wondering what your child is doing at school you can find really targeted information while sitting in your pjs drinking tea . So much has changed since 1993 . I wonder what the next 17 years will bring ? And we are done with the 72 cup cozies . They came out brilliantly and the staff at the school just loved them . I wish I had a picture of all of them because it was kind of impressive but it just didn 't work out that way . But you get the idea . So we finished them on Tuesday and since then . . . nothin ' ! Okay , Wednesday was St . Patrick 's day ( and the 27th anniversary of my first date with my husband I might add : ) and by 8 : 30 I was ready for bed . I only stayed up until 9 : 00 so I could finish watching Human Target with Mark Valley , my new favorite show . ( Well , after Caprica on the SciFi channel . ) It 's a good guys / bad guys show in the old fashioned way . There 's no psychological profiling or creepy music or rape or children getting hurt or kidnapped ; all the reasons I can 't watch most of the other cop shows out there . This one is more in the vein of Rockford files with a little technology and ninja and spy stuff going on . It 's all very clean and the good guy always wins although he has some dark past that 's slowly being unveiled . Plus I went to high school with Mark which is just cool . It 's on Fox at 8 : 00 Wednesdays in my lineup but if you get a chance and you like this kind of show I highly recommend it . You can click http : / / tv . yahoo . com / show / 44757 to watch old episodes . But I digress from the projects . I didn 't pick up any needles on Wednesday and almost didn 't today because I was so busy cleaning and what not . I mean that refrigerator ! How does all that crap get in the bottom of the freezer ! It wasn 't even food . I think . I hope . But it 's clean now and we have food again so I took a break with my daughter before her big learning fair night and tried to knit . I took a whack at the Quickie Cowl ( Rav Link ) but although I like my yarn and I like the pattern they didn 't like each other . So I ripped it . And I didn 't even pick up anything else . Truly , I 'm baffled . But there 's sooooo much to do around the house with Spring apparently coming early . I mean really , what 's with 60 degree ( F ) weather in mid - March in upstate NY . That 's just wrong . Where 's our snow ! Tomorrow I have to go out and rake the winter crud out of the lawn . I 'm giving myself 8 : 30 to noon to do it then I swear I 'm taking an hour to knit . At least I 'm hoping I 'll want to knit by then . . . I took a browse through my Ravelry page to look at WIPs and that was a bit inspiring . There are things in there I 'd like to work on . Only time will tell . I 'm not in danger of completely losing my mojo . I hope . MusingsTonight 's musing is a " Favorite Thing " a la Jackie at the KIPing it Real podcast and Dr . Gemma of Cogknitive . My favorite thing today , and a short rant , is homemade vegetable stock . Homemade veggie stock rocks . It tastes so good , has no sodium if you choose and costs about $ . 50 to make . So why oh why do they charge $ 3 . 50 per hermetic container for veggie stock in the stores . When you add together the reduced packaging , the healthier product and the incredibly cheaper cost it just makes no sense to buy stock in the store . It took me about 5 minutes to get the old veggies out of the fridge this morning , fill the pan with water , peel an onion and throw it all in and I 've got the equivalent of 7 of those hermetic containers made out of veggies that would have gotten tossed otherwise . Now I know that to get the finest veggie stock you 're supposed to use quality vegetables but my life doesn 't usually work like that and what I got today is fantastic . I 'm making vegetarian hoppin ' john in the crock pot next Monday and vegetable soup and rolls one day next week so I 'm just as thrilled as can be . Yummy goodness . Those Dove Bliss white chocolates aren 't bad either . Just sayin ' . I 'm on my way to 72 . Cup cozies that is . The kids have done a bunch and some other parents have done a bunch but I 'm way over this thing . I 'm behind on my Ravelry Christmas Monthly Make Ahead which are totally my own goals and all things I chose because I want to make them so I 'm dying to get on it with it already . I think if I power through this weekend working on these then I 'll be done and I can move on . I 'm gonna be the Little Engine That Could all weekend . Chug . Chug . Chug . MusingsSomewhere I heard about guilty pleasures . I think it was a podcast about books and a literature professor was confessing to enjoying a raunchy romance novel now and then . But my guilty pleasure is the Wendy Williams show . It 's the greatest , silliest pop culture show ever . Wendy Williams is a wild , self - possessed . . . NUT ! She 's great and funny and totally camp in a not - coy way and does her pop thing with abandon . So when the kids are gone on play dates late in the late afternoon I sneak in and watch it . Me , the one who basically doesn 't even want a TV and reads science fiction and " Literature , " and knits and discusses politics and the meaning of life and how to make the world a better place . Aw the heck with it . . . let 's just watch some Wendy Williams ! But really , if life is getting too serious for you there 's no better antidote than Wendy Williams . Or the Muppets . Or Monty Python 's Flying Circus works too . Oh yeah , now I remember why I don 't read anymore . I realized today when my daughter needed something and I had to put my book down again . It 's much easier to put your knitting down that it is to keep stopping a book . That 's why I started knitting so much when the kids were young and stopped reading so much . I 'm just really really bad at putting a book down but I can set my knitting down mid - row . I have no will power when it comes to a good book . Maybe that 's what an alcoholic feels like if they have a drink - they can 't have just one . If I 'm reading a book I can 't just read one chapter . It 's all or nothing for me and I can 't stop reading until I 'm done . Considering that the kids still like to eat several times a day I suppose I 'd better wait a while now before I dive into another good book . And I didn 't get much knitting done this weekend either . I did , however , finish Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer and it was amazing . It reads like an action adventure story and you can 't believe it 's non - fiction . The characters are bigger than life and it certainly strips away the romantic mystique of Everest . I love hiking . We went backpacking above tree line in British Columbia for our honeymoon and it was magical . Sleeping in a tent on New Year 's Eve was one of the most memorable nights of my life if largely for the sound of the silence . And I have daydreamed about big mountains . My sister - in - law has actually done some real mountain climbing and rock climbing and I toyed with asking her to take me some time but a little tiny crevasse at the top of some bouldering in the " Gunks " of New York State took care of any rock climbing aspirations I might have had . I was scared up there although I did manage it and in fact went back and did it a second time . For now it 's back to knitting . I 've got 52 more coffee cozies to go unless the kids really come through and if I get them done fast enough I 'd like to add some embroidering and beads and embellishments to some of the more plain ones . But tonight I think I 'll go browse Ravelry . : ) The Ravelympics got me reading again ! Huh ? Yup . I got my first project done and was thrilled . Today I 'll get that little sweater for the baby into the mail . I must ! Then I got a lot done on the front of my Alpaca V - neck but I can tell you exactly where I broke down . My folks and my Uncle and his girlfriend were over visiting and I was knitting away as we talked . When I got to the armhole bindoffs and had to pay attention so I set it down so as not to be rude . That was the last I 've seen of that project . It sat on the floor in the living room for a couple days right where I had been sitting . Then I put it in it 's bag and it hasn 't come back since . I started reading some Jasper Fforde books instead as recommended by Dr . Gemma of the Cogknitive podcast and my mother - in - law . Those books are fabulous ! Mystery , action , fantasy with more literary references than I managed to catch , I 'm sure . There 's a character in them called Mr . Runcible Spoon . Seriously ? I love Edward Lear - that 's pure magic . They 're funny and intriguing and smart all at once and I highly recommend them . The first book is called the Eyre Affair and the second was Lost in a Good Book . Now I 'm keen to get to the library and find some more although my son had a copy of Into Thin Air and I 've started that . Since I became this rabid knitter I really stopped reading so much and that sort of bummed me out . But now I 'm reading a lot and not knitting much and that 's bumming me out . Sometimes I can do both at once but right now I don 't have the concentration ability for that . Where do I find that elusive balance ? Do I set a timer ? 30 minutes of reading then 30 minutes of knitting ? That seems a bit goofy . And . . . out of the frying pan and into the fire . If the Ravelympics were too much pressure for me you 'd figure I wouldn 't give myself anymore deadline knitting . Right ? Wrong ! I heard " they " were looking for a little extra favor for the staff at my daughter 's elementary school ( which I love love ) and in my infinite wisdom I offered to knit cup cozies . 72 cup cozies ! Am I out of my mind . It 's not as bad as it seems . I teach knitting to a group of kids from the school and a few of the parents so I recruited them . The kids were quite keen to help and I hope each of them can do 1 or 2 but it 's totally bonus if they do so I 'm preparing to make bunches and bunches of them . We 're just doing a 6 1 / 2 inch strip of garter which I 'm then seeming up . They look cute ! One of the kids made the one on the right . I think it will make some teacher very happy . I 'm going to put a Starbuck 's Via packet in each cup , a tea bag and a hot chocolate packet . Starbuck 's is giving me a nice discount on the Via packets ( that 's their new instant coffee ) and they 're donating the cups which is great . I 'm going to use Paul Newman 's RoyalTea tea bags too . So yes , I 'm reading but still knitting too . If you like books with strong women , mystery , fantasy , humour and literary references definitely check out Jasper Fforde 's books . You won 't be sorry . I need a dinner that involves using up lots of good bread . Any thoughts ? All I can think of is French Toast . If I melt a little cream cheese and raspberry jam on it and add powdered sugar will it seem like dinner ? More like dessert ! Two more days until more skiing . Hubby and I got engaged at the top of Whiteface in Lake Placid . I 'm looking forward to going back . Especially with all this awesome snow .

So , my comments are gone . Haloscan was bought out , and , unfortunately , they want to charge for their comment system . So I exported 7 , 456 comments , over five years ' worth of comments . All the old posts have no comments now . I think this one will have comments - - we 'll see . And all that crap under recent comments - - no clue . Sigh . It was a good run . We 'll miss you Haloscan . Many of my compatriots have noted how unsocial the groups are in the new dungeon system that automatically groups people together . I have noticed the same , and in fact , that 's why I 'm still doing runs with guildies on a regular basis . The other thing about running with these anonymous groups is that they go so fast , you can 't even pause to comment in guild chat . At times , this isn 't a problem . After all , the point of these runs is to get emblems and most people in the groups have run these dungeons plenty of times . Often , then , the dungeons are just cruising along just fine ; there 's no real need to say anything . But I 've been in a few groups where some communication , even if just about the task at hand , is definitely in order . Once I was healing a dungeon where the tank wouldn 't wait for me to get mana before plowing ahead into the next group of mobs . He died once as a result , and then yelled at me for not healing him . I yelled back that if he wanted me to heal him , he needed to wait until I had the ability to do so . I 'd said something a number of times about this . If he 'd been paying attention , which I don 't think he was , he would have known that . One of us , him I think , quit the group over that . And the next tank we got was great , waiting for everyone to be mana 'd up before beginning a fight . And I 've seen other situations where someone should probably have said something before someone else messed up and got us all killed . I saw a druid aggro an extra group or two , making healing super challenging for me . And I 've seen the less traveled dungeons , like Oculus , fail pretty badly . Actually , my experience with Oculus has been that as soon as people see that that 's the draw , they quit . I popped into one where 2 people had already left the group and another person was saying this was their first time in it . I quit that group . It would have been hours of my time , just gone ! Some people are saying that the new dungeon system eliminates the need for guilds . It might for some people , who are in the game just for the game , but for people who like to hang out with others virtually , guilds will still play an important role . It 's a little like IRC chat with a game in the background . And the harder content , raids and the highest level dungeons , are still better to do with a group you 're familiar with . So guilds might change , but they 'll probably still be there in some form . Normally , we create our own Christmas cards . I will often buy something that looks nice , sign them , and ship them off to friends and relatives . We 've done a newsletter or two , usually after big changes in our lives , like getting new jobs or moving . This year I decided to go high tech ( as I should , with a name like Geeky Mom ! ) . Everyone 's always clamoring for pictures of the kids , so I thought a nice card that had a few pictures would be a nice treat . We don 't take many pictures . We certainly don 't do formal pictures ( though now I kind of wish we did ) . But I gathered a few photos together that I liked and ventured off looking for a place to produce a good card out of them . After a Google search , I started at Tiny Prints . ( Confession : when I am searching for products or companies , I really do click on the sponsored links or the ads . I figure if they 're smart enough to advertise on Google , they 're worth my checking out . ) Tiny Prints had some truly lovely designs and plenty that allowed several photos and so I selected one I liked and began designing . It was easy to upload photos and I could even connect to Flickr and import photos from there , so I was cruising along . I dragged and dropped my photos on the front and even had the option of putting more on the inside ( which I did ) . The whole process was very intuitive . I wanted to have them mail the cards , so after reviewing my results , I checked the option to have them mail them . All I needed to do then was upload a CSV file with all my recipients names and addresses . I readied the file and went through the upload process . It didn 't say much about what to do except that I needed to tell it what column was what . I had combined first and last names in the first column , so I just told it that was a first name . I had combined city and state , which it balked at , so I put them in separate columns . But it wouldn 't overwrite my old data . So , one by one , I deleted my old contacts and imported the newly corrected file . It finally recognized all my contacts . I added them to the order and then clicked the " go to cart " button . Cart was empty ! I did this a few times and never got the cart to fill up , so I went to another site . Next up was Shutterfly , a site I 've used before and from which I 've received many a card . They do nice work . They had nice options , though they didn 't have one with more than 4 photos . I had 6 - 8 that I wanted to include . At this point , I didn 't really care . I just wanted to be done . I created the card quickly and then when I got to the point of mailing out the cards , I was going to have to enter each name and address by hand . No thank you . I moved on . So then I hit Kodak Gallery . The designs there were fabulous - - lots of options and plenty with more than 4 photos . Like Tiny Prints , I could put photos on the inside and even on the back ! Very cute ! Like the other two sites , Kodak offers a " mail it for you " option . But it , too , required hand - entering each address . Again , I moved on . I landed at the one of the most venerable card companies in the US , Hallmark . They had photo cards and plenty of designs , including the one I chose , which had many photos , inside and out . Since I 'd been through the selection process and had a good idea of what kind of card I wanted , I settled on this one quite quickly . I imagine that if you don 't know what you want , you could spend quite a while searching through the selections . Tiny Prints offers the option of narrowing by number of photos , type of card , and even color . Kodak did as well . Hallmark didn 't . You had to look through the 5 pages of designs , so that was one drawback . But , when it came time to put address in , I easily uploaded my csv file and bingo , all my addresses were there . And they 're there for the future , too ! I can enter birthdays and anniversaries and mail cards right from Hallmark . I like that . So , I ended up ordering from them , even having a few extra cards shipped to me in case there 's someone I forgot . So here 's the summary . None of the sites really sucked . They all had good designs and were easy to use . Where some of them failed was in the addressing to recipients section . I 'll give Tiny Prints a pretty big break since this portion of their site was in beta . I 'll definitely be returning to check them out . Generally speaking , when someone is ordering en masse , they need to send to a lot of people . Uploading a file , or importing from any number of contact programs ( as several sites offered ) is an absolute necessity . I used to be in the greeting card business , and I 'm quite impressed with the offerings now available online . Most of these sites offer all types of products besides cards - - books , calendars , mugs , and more . Some sites might be better at those things than others . One thing I noted on all the sites was that it was geared toward people without hyphenated names or multiple names in the family ( true of both the creator and the recipient ) . For example , I wanted to put Blank / Blankenship in the return address , but it balked at that . And there was not enough room on most designs to put something like this , even if hyphenated . Note to card companies : give more space for the family name . Maybe people who hyphenate or keep maiden names don 't send cards ! Many years ago , I did a poll here for the best and worst gifts you 've ever received . The answers tickled me . So , what were the best and / or worst gifts you 've ever received . My best : my wedding ring in the shape of Queen Elizabeth 's crown Seriously , after a parent - teacher conference , a trip to the department store , the card store , the grocery store and the hardware store , I need a drink . Too bad it 's only 3 : 45 and we still have a winter concert to attend and before that , dinner to make . I got 10 % of the stuff I wanted to get done done . I guess there 's always tomorrow . We ventured to the giant mall yesterday to do the rest of our Christmas shopping . After eating lunch and walking around for about 20 minutes , we decided to go home and shop online . Things I hate about shopping at the mall : 3 . Salespeople push things on you . For most of the people I have left to buy for , I haven 't figured out what to get . I 'm just looking around , thinking about things . I do not need people to hound me to buy something . Note that this is different from the ones who are truly helpful . I 'm talking about the ones pushing crap you don 't want to buy . Still , online shopping can be just as painful . I 've spent the better part of this afternoon looking for things . Some things I wanted to buy , I didn 't , because they didn 't offer gift wrapping . So I actually did a search for online shopping with gift wrapping . These two articles gave me some ideas . I 'm still stuck , though , on what to get my father . He 's a hard man to buy for . He 's a golfer , a wine enthusiast , and a hard - working lawyer . He also likes biking and watching football . You 'd think I could come up with something with all that . I 've decided not to go in the wine direction because that 's what I did for his birthday . I don 't know what he has golf wise . And I 'm not very knowledgeable about the other stuff . So , I 'm stuck . What do you all suggest ? Last night Geeky Girl had a couple of girls over for a slumber party . I had gotten tons of snacks for them , including a request for sundae makings . There was popcorn and pretzels and hot cocoa . We 'd downloaded Elf . Geeky Girl got out some key Wii games . When they arrived , we ordered pizza - - cheese only , of course . They ate picnic style on the floor . After dinner , the silliness began . They watched tv and commented on the relative cuteness of people and on their acting abilities ( wow ! ) . Geeky Boy was the recipient of a giggle fest . There was a ghost story , which meant a trip upstairs to discuss the story and request that the lights be left on . They never watched Elf . Instead , they put on music and took turns pretending to be in a music video . They did eat sundaes and pretzels . And I think they mostly enjoyed themselves . They were asleep by 11 : 15 . I 'm about to make them waffles for breakfast and then everyone 's going home . I don 't remember ever having a slumber party myself , only going to them . We certainly had plenty of room for one ( unlike in my current house - - more than 3 invitees would be pushing it ) . At my slumber parties , we had seances and played truth or dare . Someone 's hand always got put in water , a bra got frozen , and sometimes conflicts broke out . Compared to those , this was tame . Maybe kids just don 't do those kinds of things anymore . Geeky Girl did mention wanting to put whipped cream on someone , which I forbade for fear of it getting on the furniture . Maybe they needed a critical mass of people ( which , thankfully , we 'll never be able to fit in our house ) and an instigator . Whatever kept them from the crazy antics of my childhood , I am grateful for . A week ago , I applied for a part - time job . Event though I enjoy my independent status , I keep an eye on various job lists , looking for interesting opportunities . Thought I 've seen some intriguing full - time jobs , I haven 't considered them simply because they 're full time . I 'm just not ready for that . I was a little reluctant about applying for this part - time job , just because it would be a change in my current routine , but there was a lot that interested me about it . It was in my field , educational / instructional technology , but was for a slightly different audience than I 'm used to . It entails teaching student teachers in the sciences about using technology in their teaching . I love working with science teachers , so that was a plus right there . Also , I knew I might learn something from teaching this class . The differences between higher ed and K - 12 are great enough that I 'll have to do some work and learning to understand the constraints of K - 12 and technology work . I have investigated working in K - 12 and it just seems like a really interesting place right now when it comes to education and technology . The class is 5 - weeks long , and intense 2 hours / day , 4 days / week session . That schedule , too , intrigued me , compacted a semester 's work of work into 5 weeks , something I 've done before , and it fits with my schedule . So I applied on Friday , got a call on Monday , and interviewed on Wednesday and accepted the job later that afternoon . I got a very good vibe , obviously , from talking to my interviewers and the more I talked to them , the more interesting the job sounded . The class is small , fewer than 5 students . That , too , is a plus , especially when it comes to a hands - on course . I 'm pretty excited about the whole thing , actually , even though I went in a little reluctantly . On the way home from the interview , as I was thinking about accepting the job , I thought about how much I liked that I could pop into something like this . Though it would certainly be nice to have something more permanent , for me , I like having a variePosted by On the way home from school yesterday , I was talking away about my own day , when Geeky Girl stopped me and said , " Mom , I need to talk to you . " These are words you both want and don 't want to hear from your kids . On the one hand , I definitely want my kids to come to me with their problems . On the other hand , what if the problems are too big even for me to handle . " I have some girl drama issues , " Geeky Girl continued . This , I could deal with . I won 't blog the details , but let 's just say that this was a legitimate conflict , a social thing handled awkwardly on all sides . Feelings were hurt and no one knew quite how to smooth them over . Geeky Girl told me all the ways they 'd tried to resolve this issue , including trying to " talk it out " ( GG 's term , not mine ) during library time . Geeky Girl and I talked over potential solutions , the pros and cons of all of them . We sat in the driveway for a good fifteen minutes going over the possibilities , put it aside for a while , and then came up with a final solution before bed . Social interactions are amazingly complicated . Kids this age are still incredibly self - centered usually and take everything personally , something that will continue , I told Geeky Girl through high school . There will be people who don 't wave to you in the hallway and you 'll want to think that they did so on purpose , as a slight . And maybe they did . But , I told her , it 's best to assume they didn 't . Assume the best in people without getting walked all over . It 's a fine line to hold . Always believe in yourself , be true to yourself . I told her all of these . And I told her to be the bigger person and be the first to patch things up . I remember so many situations in middle and high school , where I was put down by " friends . " I 'm sure I did my fair share of ignoring people , purposely not talking to people , and other behaviors intended to hurt people 's feelings . It 's a kind of defense mechanism really . Someone hurts you , you find someone else to hurt and / or hurt them back . I don 't want Geeky Girl to do that . If I could keep her from getting hurt at all , that 'd be great , but I know that I won 't be able to do that . In the short term , she 's going to be around these people for quite a while and she 'll need good friends to navigate the teenage years . In the medium term , her horizons are about to expand when she goes to middle school and she may or may not remain friends with these same girls . And then in the long term , the chances of her remaining that close to her elementary school friends beyond college are pretty slim . Possible , but not likely . But , of course , all that is meaningless in the moment . And in the moment , she wants the whole thing to go away . And now it 's on her shoulders to try to make amends , even though she wasn 't in the wrong in the first place ( no one was , really ) . A lot for a ten - year - old . Yesterday , Patch 3 . 3 dropped . With it came new dungeons , new raids , and a whole new way of grouping up with people to run dungeons . It also came with extended downtime , tons of issues with people logging in , not being able to zone into instances and more . Even on a standard patch day , one can expect servers to be down until about 1 p . m . est . But on this day , servers didn 't go back up until about 7 : 30 or 8 . Which left a lot of us a little antsy . I had planned on a little late afternoon trial , but when the servers didn 't come up , I had to do actual work . And laundry . It was sad . I was thinking about all those poor sys admins freaking out as they tried to figure out how to fix the problems . But once I got in , I was able to run a couple of dungeons fairly quickly . I was anxious to try the new dungeon finder that collects a group across not just your server , but all the servers . Like battlegrounds , where people from many servers can be in one battleground , dungeons now work the same way . And it 's random ! Which I really like . So , the way it works is that you click on the dungeon finder , which is where the old LFG icon used to be , and an interface comes up where you select what role or roles you can play . Some healers can heal or dps . I can dps or tank ( though I 'm off tanking for a while ) . After a few minutes , you are automagically grouped and transported to the dungeon . No summoning people , no waiting for someone to finish a quest or fly from the boondocks . It 's awesome ! There are pictures and more info on how this all works at WoW . com . Don 't get me wrong . I love running dungeons with my guildies , but sometimes there just aren 't enough people on to run . And we tended to stick with just the daily and maybe ToC . And it sometimes took forever to get a PuG together to run something . The general public also wanted to just run the daily usually . Now , though , I can see myself running enough dungeons until both my 80s have hundreds of emblems of triumph and can buy all the gear they want without wasting a lot of time . So last niLaura Blankenship Maybe it 's because of the holidays , or maybe it 's just who I am , but lately , when people mention they like something or want to try something , I want to go out and buy it for them as a surprise . These are people I barely know . I actually had the thought of looking up a blogger 's address ( someone who blogs under their own name , obviously ) , and sending them something they 'd mentioned they 'd like to have . I can 't afford to do this , of course , but I really do wish I could . I just like the idea of someone getting something they want totally out of the blue . People are talking about the proposed deal between Comcast and NBC and what it will do to the business . NBC owns Hulu , which streams many popular tv shows ( and many not - so - popular ones ) for free , allowing people to watch shows any time . The speculation is that this will no longer be free , that Hulu will go behind a paywall . Comcast claims this won 't happen , but because online streaming sites are not yet profitable , it seems like a paywall is one avenue for revenue . The thing is , most people pay for tv already , via their cable bill , so having to pay to watch the same shows on another device is irksome . Some people , like Coates , don 't pay for cable and instead watch via Hulu or iTunes , paying for shows as needed . Ideally , I think , one would pay one bill and then have access to the same content via whatever device you want to watch it on whenever you want to watch it . If I get HBO by paying extra through my cable company , I ought to be able to watch those shows on my computer or my iPhone without having to pay for it again . Right now , that 's exactly what I have to do in most cases . In theory , the cable companies are working on a system that will allow subscribers to log into a site and watch the same shows they might watch on their tv on their computer . But the elephant in the room in all of this is the changing habits of tv viewers . People just don 't plop in front of the tv anymore at specific times . They have certain shows that they watch , but not necessarily when the network airs them and often without the ads . I watch very little tv myself and we 've considering cutting off our cable and buying what we need through Amazon , which downloads to our TiVo box ( for which we have a lifetime subscription ) . Yesterday , over lunch , I finished watching The Biggest Loser from last week , which I recorded via TiVo . And that 's usually how we watch tv . We record 5 or 6 shows and then we watch them when we have time . All of us are more likely to be online than in front of the tv when relaxing . If we were in a pay per show situation , Laura Blankenship

This morning my daughter and I stepped out of the front door of our home and exclaimed , almost at the same time , " Whoa ! " A mist hung in the air and was visible even up to the porch . She marveled that she could barely see her way to the bus stop . We were caught unaware . Hadn 't we ever seen a misty morning before ? Yes , but it still excites the imagination . Autumn is my favorite time of year , but when it is cold and wet , I confess I would much rather be indoors . I confess that I have much to learn about many things . I want to speak to you today about things I barely know about myself . Living by faith is full of mystery . Not the kind of mystery where you have to figure out " who dunnit " but more the kind where you seek to follow the hand of God with only three feet on the path in the mist before you and only enough provision for today . In the Gospel of John , Chapter 16 , Jesus sits at his last meal with his disciples and begins to reveal the end and the beginning of the divine plan to them . They had been following him down all the dusty roads of Palestine , through fields and onto hills , and even on dangerous roads . They 'd heard and seen unbelievable things . My friend Bob often says , " I think I stick around this place because I never quite know what is coming next , " and I 'm sure the disciples felt a bit like that too . " What kind of crazy adventure will today bring ? What leper is going to wander up to us ? What blind man will start yelling Jesus ' name and not stop ? Are we going to have to fight the children off of Jesus ? Will he disappear overnight and then come out walking on the water and scare us half to death ? Where to next , Lord ? " But in our text today Jesus says he is going away to the Father who sent Him , to a place they cannot come , and yet that this will be a good thing . " All this I have told you so that you will not fall away . 2 They will put you out of the synagogue ; in fact , the time is coming when anyone who kills you will think they are offering a service to God . 3 They will do such things because they have not known the Father or me . 4 I have told you this , so that when their time comes you will remember that I warned you about them . I did not tell you this from the beginning because I was with you , 5 but now I am going to him who sent me . None of you asks me , ' Where are you going ? ' 6 Rather , you are filled with grief because I have said these things . 7 But very truly I tell you , it is for your good that I am going away . Unless I go away , the Advocate will not come to you ; but if I go , I will send him to you . 8 When he comes , he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment : 9 about sin , because people do not believe in me ; 10 about righteousness , because I am going to the Father , where you can see me no longer ; 11 and about judgment , because the prince of this world now stands condemned . 12 " I have much more to say to you , more than you can now bear . 13 But when he , the Spirit of truth , comes , he will guide you into all the truth . He will not speak on his own ; he will speak only what he hears , and he will tell you what is yet to come . 14 He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you . 15 All that belongs to the Father is mine . That is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you . " ( Jn . 16 : 1 - 15 , NIV ) Jesus says that after he leaves the Holy Spirit will come to lead them into all truth . He calls the Spirit the Paraclete , which means Comforter , and Advocate . Today , as I think about that word Advocate it brings many things to my mind . We might think of people like lawyers , doctors , social workers , activists , politicians or preachers as advocates . In this role they represent a person or a cause before the involved powers that be and try to get them access to services or benefits . A lawyer might advocate for leniency before a judge , a social worker for shelter for a homeless client , and a preacher might advocate for better work and fair wages . The kind of comfort and advocacy Jesus says the Holy Spirit will bring , however , sustains the disciples in the midst of a hostile world that is very content with sin , unrighteousness , and self - love . The Apostle Paul said , " We know that the whole creation has been moaning together in the pains of labor until now . " ( Romans 8 : 22 , NIV ) This is not just a dark and wicked world , it is a world loved by God . The Holy Spirit never gives up his loving work in the People of God . Every day that Jesus does not " drop the curtain " and bring all things to an end and a new beginning is a new day in which the people of God are used by Jesus to accomplish His work . I 'd like to take a close look at John 16 : 8 - 11 . In his role as our advocate , the Holy Spirit defends us " in court " , as it were , before the world . The world is wrong about sin , righteousness , and judgment . We had been told previously that we could expect persecution from religious and nonreligious people alike . Without the Holy Spirit there is no way we could endure the onslaught from the world . On our own we 'd come to think ourselves crazy , alone , abandoned by Christ , and overcome by the devil 's power . These verses tell us that the Spirit will show the world that it is sinful , bent on its own way instead of Christ 's . Here in the 21st century , there is not a lot of talk about sin . We hear about terrible things happening every day , but not that these are a result of sin . This morning for example , a prominent senator exclaimed that something must be done about climate change . When fourteen foot walls of water overtake the east coast of our nation , we must take it seriously ! But as I listened to his sound bite on the radio I thought , " How many times have I heard this before ? " Climate change is man - made and it is sin ! We are using this world up like toilet paper and remain in denial about whether or not that should change . We say , " Somebody should change , but not me . " Americans worry about India and China being overpopulated and polluting the planet , because they want to keep their own standard of living , and consuming in excess . That 's just crazy ! More than that , it is sinful ! God wants us to bless the earth he created by honoring it with our presence . We honor it by growing our own food , using biofuels , consuming less , and showing our elected officials that less is more ! This is just one example of sin in this world . The Holy Spirit guides us into representing the righteousness of the Kingdom of God in this sinful world . The world thinks it knows what is right , but Jesus , who has gone to the Father , demonstrated its righteousness was a sham . Self - righteousness is the worst kind of delusion . It calls wrong right , and turns virtue into sin . Being self - righteous is like believing in a 36 hour day . You can set yourself a 36 hour schedule , but you 'll find yourself at odds with the universe . Time and space will be your enemies . The world is wrong about righteousness . Jesus is the righteous one , the Holy One of God . The world 's standards of justice are very short sighted . There is no universally accepted picture of what it means to live gently with one another , especially when the universal vision of the modern world is to extract , commodify , own , defend , consume , and make obsolete . The Holy Spirit directs us to Jesus Christ , the righteous lamb of God , who demonstrates his victorious power through submission . Being God , he humbled himself . There is no way to be humble and self - righteous at the same time . A truly humble person is willing to be found righteous later and yet humiliated and thought unrighteous in the present . The only way to be truly humble is through the righteous one , Jesus Christ . Finally , the world is wrong about its judgment . The world condemned Jesus Christ . The Apostle Peter preached these words : " The God of Abraham , Isaac and Jacob , the God of our fathers , has glorified his servant Jesus . You handed him over to be killed , and you disowned him before Pilate , though he had decided to let him go " ( Acts 3 : 13 , NIV ) . Where the world had condemned Jesus , Jesus said , " The prince of this world stands condemned . " The devil , the accuser , tempter , and deceiver , is the great loser . He was defeated on the cross and all his works have been revealed for what they are . The devil can 't really build anything good , and those who believe him can only keep up the deception for so long . Jesus Christ is Victor ! Hallelujah ! I have met so many individuals who can 't be at home anywhere because they can 't find rest in Jesus . I can give all of my time and effort to persuade people to do the next right thing , but if I am not led by the Holy Spirit , I have done them no favors at all . Sometimes , because I point people to Jesus , they won 't bother to come around me at all , because they know I care about them body and soul and they don 't want to hear me tell them the truth . No one belongs on the corner with crack in their hands . No one belongs huddled in a doorway in the rain intoxicated with an empty stomach . Because of sin this way of life that doesn 't work , is the only life many people think they want . I cannot advocate for anyone who will not advocate for themselves . I can want the best things in the world for you , a clean home , warm clothes , a loving family , good supportive friends , a good job that pays enough for you to live off of and then give to others in need . I can want you to grow in the Lord within a local church where you learn to serve Jesus and lead others to Christ . But if that is not what you know want , then what I want for you would only be misery . Many people want some of these things . They want a house and money , but they also want the kind of friends around that will destroy the house , spend all the money and leave them feeling angry and hurt . Others want a good job where they can work all the time and afford anything , but they don 't know what to do with themselves in their off hours . My work as a minister means preaching a revolution of the heart . You are not the sum of what you eat , buy , and watch . You are a person who can bless the world around you with gratitude , affirm the goodness of God 's creation , and share the presence of Christ in you with every other person you relate to . These gifts are powerful because they come from and lead to a powerful God ! Thomas Merton said , " We make ourselves real by telling the truth . Man can hardly forget that he needs to know the truth , for the instinct to know is too strong in us to be destroyed . But he can forget how badly he also needs to tell the truth . We cannot know truth unless we ourselves are conformed to it . We must be true inside , true to ourselves , before we can know a truth that is outside us . But we make ourselves true inside by manifesting the truth as we see it . " ( No Man Is An Island , pg . 198 ) I began by telling you that living by faith is a life full of mystery . The longer I live the more I 'm conscious that I have much to learn . I know that Jesus Christ is righteous and that God alone is true . I also know my own propensity to dishonesty . My heart often strays from God . If you believe these things to be true for yourself , I ask that you pray with me : All of you are welcome here . This is a sacred assembly . We are here to pray , to worship God , and to learn to see the sacred in the middle of the profane stuff of life . We want to learn to encounter the love of God and share it where it is most needed . We come to you seeking light . We come asking to be able to experience your love right here , where we are , in a world that seems so dark , so profane , right where we become convinced that all we will know is great suffering . Show us your Self . Bring your holy Word to life before our very eyes . Do in us what we cannot do for ourselves . I don 't know about you , but I often get very uncomfortable with titles . People call me mister , sir , chief , boss , captain , pastor or even Reverend . I 'd rather just be known by my first name . That 's not because I 'm especially humble , but maybe rather because like a lot of you , I know that a title carries responsibility . I don 't want people to look over at me and say , " Ask him , he 's the guy . He knows what 's going on . " But some titles are really important , like Dad , for instance . I don 't want my kids calling me Chris , because we have an important relationship . I want them to know that I 'm their only dad , and that their mother and I love them and are interested in everything they 're into . One title that is very important to me as a Christian is that word , " Holy . " Because of Jesus Christ I belong to God and am called holy . I 'm not any holier than you , I am holy together with you , and all others across time who are the Body of Christ . Now if you come up to me and yell out , " Hey , Holy Man of God ! " I might just jump out of my skin . I am that , but I don 't often think of myself with that title . You are sons and daughters of God . You were bought with the ultimate price , that God paid Himself because He loves you . That being the case , our speech , our conduct , and what we regard affectionately must all reflect the greatness of this gift God has given us . The words sacred , or holy have many different meanings these days . What the Bible means with these words is simply that something or someone is set apart for the Lord 's use . The first of the Ten Commandments is " you shall have no other gods before me . " To be holy is to be devoted exclusively to one Lord . We may not think that polytheism is really an issue to us , but in truth , this age is full of many little gods that vie for our affections . To be holy means to acknowledge only one Lord and to serve only one Lord . And there is only one way to serve the Lord : the way He says . God doesn 't bargain or negotiate . Either our sins have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ or they have not . So that is the sacred , what does profane mean ? Profane things are unclean , unholy . In the case of worshiping God for instance , you just wouldn 't come in drunk and use a lot of cuss words to describe how much you love Jesus . That would be profane . It would not lead anyone else to respect you , the Lord , or the place of worship . It seems like its getting harder to live a holy life in Christ these days . This world is full of a thousand and one things that cause us to question God or forget him . But the world was not a much more innocent or godly place when it crucified Jesus . The same words that were given to his first disciples , " if they persecute me they will persecute you also " , and " Be of courage , I have overcome the world " are meant for us today . We must not imagine that we are in any more control than they were . We must not expect any better reception for doing God 's will . Dietrich Bonhoeffer said , " We read Scripture in order that our hearts may be moved . It will lead us into prayer for the church , for brothers and sister in the faith , for our work , and for our own soul . Prayer leads us into the world in which we must keep the faith . Where Scripture , prayer , and keeping the faith exist , temptation will always find its way in . Temptation is the sign that our hearing , prayer , and faith have touched down in reality . There is no escape from temptation except by giving ourselves to renewed reading and meditation . So the circle is complete . We will not often be permitted to see the fruits of our labors ; but through the joy of community with brothers and sisters who off us spiritual care , we become certain of the proclamation and the ministry . " ( Spiritual Care , pg . 69 . ) One of the things we might misunderstand about holiness is to think that in our service of God somehow we can keep ourselves sheltered from the temptation , suffering , and profane things of this world . To live in this world is to cry out to God in the midst of its real state , not to try to climb to some higher plane on which to hope God is looking . The Love of God places us right where it is needed the most . Do we know who our own poor are ? Do we know our neighbor , the poor of our own area ? It is so easy for us to talk and talk about the poor of other places . Very often we have the suffering , we have the lonely , we have the people - old , unwanted , feeling miserable - and they are near us and we don 't even know them . We have no time even to smile at them . Tuberculosis and cancer are not the great diseases . I think a much greater disease is to be unwanted , unloved . The pain that these people suffer is very difficult to understand , to penetrate . I think this is what our people all over the world are going through , in every family , in every home . This suffering is being repeated in every man , woman and child . I think Christ is undergoing his Passion again . And it is for you and for me to help them - to be Veronica , to be Simon to them . Our poor people are great people , a very lovable people . They don 't need our pity and sympathy . They need our understanding love and they need our respect . We need to tell the poor that they are somebody to us , that they , too , have been created , by the same loving hand of God , to love and be loved . " ( Mother Teresa , Come Be My Light : The Private Writings of the " Saint of Calcutta " , pg . 296 ) Remember that NLEC 's theme verse comes from Paul 's words " And He died for all , so that all those who live might live no longer to and for themselves , but to and for Him Who died and was raised again for their sake . Consequently , from now on we estimate and regard no one from a [ purely ] human point of view [ in terms of natural standards of value ] . [ No ] even though we once did estimate Christ from a human viewpoint and as a man , yet now [ we have such knowledge of Him that ] we know Him no longer [ in terms of the flesh ] . Therefore if any person is [ ingrafted ] in Christ ( the Messiah ) he is a new creation ( a new creature altogether ) ; the old [ previous moral and spiritual condition ] has passed away . Behold , the fresh and new has come ! " ( 2 Corinthians 5 : 15 - 17 , Amp . ) At one time Saul of Tarsus ( later known as Paul ) could not understand how Jesus of Nazareth was anything more than a blasphemous teacher who got what he deserved , whose followers were a dangerous , profane , unholy threat to the true worship of God . He believed that hunting them down and killing them was what he was called to do . He only knew Jesus by this world 's values . But then he got to know the resurrected Jesus and everything changed ! What Paul is saying is that every person we encounter has this same opportunity to get to know the resurrected Jesus , and that we can 't judge anyone by this world 's values . All people are worthy of the same attention that we received in leading us to the grace of God . In short , the Holy Spirit does not lead us to discard , hurt , write off , or call anyone fool or enemy who can be made into a new creation in Christ . For the last several years developers in downtown St . Louis have been talking about our headquarters building at 1411 Locust Street . NLEC has owned its headquarters since 1975 and many changes have taken place in downtown since that time . The city 's parks have never moved . The city 's main branch of the library has been here all that time . The social security office branch has always been here . But in the last two years there 's been an increase in the number of people seeking shelter and basic services who cannot find them elsewhere in the region . There are more homeless travelers , more people released from prison , more people unable to pay medical bills released from hospitals . The police move people from the parks and other areas of downtown after dark and they position them down the street right outside our building . There is one portable toilet available for them three blocks away . City hall does not allow us to keep portable toilets around our building . At one time we placed them there anyway until the city began telling the companies they would remove them as rubbish . I know exactly what he 's singing about . Every morning that I come to work and I see a crowd of men , women , and children huddled under blankets on the concrete it wounds me . City hall says that it is our fault that these people lay here . They say first that we allow too many people to stay in our shelter , and then they say that we should not allow these people to congregate outside our shelter . They know that when people call the Housing Resource Center they are told that no beds are available . We are wrong for the way we run our shelter . We are badly located , they say . It 's a " quality of life issue " . The answer to all of downtown 's problems with the homeless is simple to the powers that be . Provide housing for those who can be easily placed , through the state department of mental health , or federal funds available through special programs . But for those who don 't qualify for a variety of reasons , well , don 't feed them , don 't give them bathrooms , don 't give them blankets , get them to move along . It is amazing to me how reasonable this sounds to people who do not do any advocacy or casework with the homeless . It even seems reasonable to some people who work only with those who qualify for certain programs . But someone has to ask , " How bad does it need to get before our community actually opens more shelter and direct services ( transportation , access to bathrooms , shower and laundry , hygiene products ) ? " Why is there never enough ? How can we be holy followers of Jesus in the midst of such a profane situation ? People come to us desperate , tired , angry , suicidal , and in denial about the true extent of their problems . How can living a holy life make any difference ? Jesus spoke of a poverty of spirit in his Sermon on the Mount . Now if you work with poor people everyday you know that not everyone without money is what Jesus would describe as " poor in spirit " . Jesus was describing a humble person whose posture is not toward what they can get , but longs for their significance in the new kingdom . Jesus called his disciples " blessed " for being a people whose real worth was not determined by the figure in their bank accounts . It was not determined by how long the funeral procession would be to remember them . Neither was their state as truly blessed determined by how well they would be liked and praised for their good deeds . With them our true state of blessedness is in our long obedience to God in the same direction . It is important to recognize that any attempt to appear holy without true communion with Christ is actually hypocrisy . Doing good things for people without real love from Jesus might look holy , but does not win us favor . The only way to BE holy is to be IN Christ . Romans 14 : 7 - 12 says , " None of us lives to himself [ but to the Lord ] , and none of us dies to himself [ but to the Lord , for ] If we live , we live to the Lord , and if we die , we die to the Lord . So then , whether we live or we die , we belong to the Lord . For Christ died and lived again for this very purpose , that He might be Lord both of the dead and of the living . Why do you criticize and pass judgment on your brother ? Or you , why do you look down upon or despise your brother ? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of God . For it is written , As I live , says the Lord , every knee shall bow to Me , and every tongue shall confess to God [ acknowledge Him to His honor and to His praise ] . And so each of us shall give an account of himself [ give an answer in reference to judgment ] to God . " ( Amplified Bible ) Doing the works of mercy shows us what we are really made of . Sometimes being a helper feels really good , but often it feels really exhausting , emotionally , physically , mentally . Genuine care is met with dishonesty , deceit , profanity , accusations , and resentment . This is where the sacred and profane meet . Can I overcome evil with good ? Thomas a Kempis offers this wisdom : " If all men were perfect , we should meet with nothing in the conduct of others to suffer for the sake of God . But in the present fallen state of human nature , it is his blessed will , that we should learn to " bear one another 's burdens : " and as no man is free from some burden of sin or sorrow ; as none has strength and wisdom sufficient for all the purposes of life and duty , the necessity of mutual forbearance , mutual consolation , mutual support , instruction , and advice is founded upon our mutual imperfections , troubles , and wants . Besides , by outward occasions of suffering from the conduct of others , the nature and degree of every man 's inward strength is more plainly discovered ; for outward occasions do not make him frail , but only show him what he is in himself . " ( Thomas a ' Kempis , The Imitation of Christ ) To conclude , to find the holy in the midst of the profane is to agree with God that this world is worth loving . It is to find the image of God in all people . It is to have eyes open for beautiful spaces not as they could be if they were changed with money and labor , but as they are in the present . Redeemed lives are messy lives , because we are drawn back into the suffering spaces where God is about his work of redemption . Our Father who art in heaven , hallowed by thy name . Thy Kingdom come , thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven . Give us this day our daily bread . Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us . Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil . Thine is the kingdom , the power , and the glory forever . Amen . Many people are upset because they are living a PLAN B . They 're upset because what they really wanted in life was not what they got . They had certain expectations , but now they 're living with something different from the plan they thought they were living . Duke Divinity School professor Stanley Hauerwas likes to ask the following question , " Who told you the story that you should have no story except the story you choose when you have no story ? " Now you might be thinking " What does that mean ? " Let 's break it down . First , the great minds of our age say that your life is a blank slate . You can be whatever you want to be if you dream big . You get to write your own story . There is no grand narrative in life except the one that you write for yourself . Because there is no reference point , no grand narrative , any story you write with your life will have the most meaning to you . You are an individual ( just like everyone else ) . Secondly , question anyone who would question your freedom as an individual . Your ability to choose is the most important ability you have . Don 't ask " to choose what ? " just keep choosing . Herein lies the problem , you and I didn 't ask to be born . We were born in interesting times . Is life a gift or a curse ? And what if I don 't want to choose to answer that question ? One alternative to this situation is to simply ignore it . Become a sheep and do what you see everyone else doing . Trust in society 's collective consciousness . Base your existence on the Consumer Confidence Index . Buy what everyone is buying . Start out in your youth . Find the kid every kid likes and listen to him . Do whatever he tells you and always be on the winning side . If you are a teenager , do anything to keep from being like your parents . They 're locked into one thing , go out and experiment with everything . Later as a young adult in prison . . . . promise your P . O . that you 'll do anything to stay out , but then go back to the same neighborhood to look up the kid everybody liked . I won 't tell you how that story ends , but I 've met a lot of people who are living out stories like that today . For many people PLAN A , aka , " I have no story except the story I choose when I have no story " has all but played out . Now they 're living with a PLAN B . They 're not sure exactly what PLAN B is , but they 're doing their best to make it up as they go along . Just last week a man came to me and asked to join our two year leadership training program . He signed all the paperwork and then had a change of heart . Maybe he 'd never made up his mind to begin with , but he had no trouble with the paperwork . But all this week we 've been discussing the next stage with him , the one where he travels to a new place where he 's never been before . He just wants the assurance that he 'll get to come back within a short time . He 's given no such assurance , so he sits stewing over it in his mind day after day . The decision gets no easier . Can he really trust us ? His mind is focused on one thing , his situation . He doesn 't see the many people who are still here after many years , who trust this place and have dedicated themselves to their story here . All he knows is that he won 't be in control of his story as it is anymore if he goes out of town for an indefinite period of time . I don 't mean to pick on this guy . I share his story because I believe we are all in the same boat in one way or another . Who or what can we trust in , really ? I don 't know about you , but for myself , I regularly struggle with a crisis of confidence . Yes , I 'm a minister , but I struggle too . I work at a job where I 'm regularly encouraging people to do what seems impossible : serve people who will more often then not seem less than appreciative . I tell my fellow staff members to be encouraged and not lose confidence . But last week I was standing in the woods asking God , " What 's wrong with me ? Why am I so anxious and irritated and tired ? Why do I feel so used up ? " I could tell you about some of my problems . My family has had three cycles of some kind of flu in the house in the last month . At work here in downtown we have a passive - aggressive property owner in the area who wanders around outside our building with a camera taking video and photos of the homeless and their belongings to regularly send to city hall . Trying to reason with this person only seems to make it worse . I 'm partly responsible for two old houses that take a lot of maintenance and some old cars that break down more times than I can remember . And my dog has fleas . Oh yes , it all comes down to that doesn 't it ? The final straw . My dog loves me , won 't stay away from me , and she has fleas . Isn 't that reason enough to crack up ? It 's always the small things that send us over the edge isn 't it ? " Cast not away therefore your confidence , which hath great recompense of reward . For ye have need of patience , that , after ye have done the will of God , ye might receive the promise . For yet a little while , and he that shall come will come , and will not tarry . Now the just shall live by faith : but if any man draw back , my soul shall have no pleasure in him . But we are not of them who draw back unto perdition ; but of them that believe to the saving of the soul . Now faith is the substance of things hoped for , the evidence of things not seen . " So what was the Lord telling me ? First , that I had a confidence that I can 't cast away , and that this confidence would be rewarded . Second , that I needed patience in doing the Will of God so that I will receive the promise . Third that Jesus is returning and is not late . Fourth , that I am just and must live by faith . I am , together with you who believe , not among those who draw back , but am of those who will be saved . Finally , that faith that I have bet my life on , and that you believers have bet your life on , is a substance , is an evidence of what we can 't see but know is coming . What was that I said about betting your life ? I bet my life on following Jesus Christ . I 'm not living on a PLAN B because there really is no PLAN B . I have a different PLAN A . My story is not the story I chose because I learned there was no story . My story is that Jesus Christ has conquered death and hell and died on the cross to reconcile all things to God . He died for all my sins , he died for your sins . Jesus is returning and he 's not late . He will be right on time . My confidence is not in my abilities . I 'm a jack of a lot of trades , but the one thing I can really do right is confide in Jesus . So if I 'm getting frustrated and angry , you remind me of that will you ? The ONE thing I 'm really called to do is confide in Jesus . I 'm just getting started . We ARE having church today . Jesus is here today with power to save . That word for confidence in that verse is translated from a koine Greek word , parrhesia , that is loaded with history and meaning . The philosopher Michel Foucault wrote an entire book about the word . It is usually used in reference to speaking openly , holding nothing back . The Greeks loved their freedom of speech in the polis , and this word is not just a word , but it refers to the right of free citizens to speak their mind , especially when they were threatened by an intolerant ruler . That should stick in your mind because we find the word used throughout the New Testament in a way that says , " you will face opposition , but you better not back down " . Acts 4 : 13 - 14 gives an example : " On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles . But when they arrest you , do not worry about what to say or how to say it . At that time you will be given what to say , for it will not be you speaking , but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you . " ( NIV ) So what 's really different about this word courage in the New Testament is that it is a courage not based on a citizen 's position as free or slave , or on one 's great oratory skills . It is a courage given by the Spirit of the living God , specifically for doing the will of God . God knows my heart . He knows that I 'm a coward when it comes down to it . I 'll run away before I 'll defend myself every time . But he took a coward like me and called me to tell sinners everywhere that if he can turn someone like me into a witness , he can save anyone . I know a lot of you sitting in this room today . I saw some of you when you first joined this ministry last year . Confident is not a word I would use to describe you that day . Some of you were crying . Others were scared to trust anybody . But I 've been here for a little over a year now and I see God doing in you what you could not have done for yourself . You never thought you 'd be setting people back on a straight path . You never thought God would use you to save someone 's life - but he has , and he is . Not because of your great abilities , but because of Jesus ' power over sin and death that is real in you . I 'm so grateful to be a witness to that . Before I came back to this city I was on the run from doing anything like this . My secret fantasy as a young man was to stick out my thumb and hit the highway to anywhere else where no one would know me . Anyone here ever done that ? Well I met a few folks who had done that and it didn 't play out for them well , so I thought better of it . Anyway , I was scared to death at first of doing what God wanted me to do . So for a while I wouldn 't tell my wife that God had put moving back to St . Louis on my heart . But God kept pushing me . Then I grew more and more dissatisfied with my work because I knew God was calling me elsewhere . Then I went to my pastors in Chicago , hoping they would tell me that God hadn 't really said that . But they did no such thing . Finally , I gave in and told my wife about it . Now I 'm sorry for running from God . I 'm sorry because it is the supreme joy of my life to see what God is doing in all of you . God is doing miracles everyday here one person at a time . And I believe that for someone in this room today or listening to me at home , you want to know that there is a PLAN A . You want to know more than anything else that , sick as you are with sin , God has a life for you . I can say with all confidence that He does . Here is what you need to do : Learn the Will of God . What is God 's will for you ? Believe in the One he sent . ( Jn . 6 : 29 ) Jesus Christ . What do I mean by believe ? Place your trust in , cling to , forsake all else , and bet your life on the fact that Jesus Christ 's death on the cross sealed for all time your future . You can know for certain that God 's will is not for you to be selfish , but to love Him with all your heart , your soul , your mind and strength . God 's will is for you to love your neighbor ( that person you notice because you despise them ) as much as you love yourself . That 's a start . Abide in the Word of God . " If ye abide in me , and my words abide in you , ye shall ask what ye will , and it shall be done unto you . " John 15 : 7 ( KJV ) Jesus Christ is the Logos of God . Your confidence in him is a confidence in the PLAN A he has given you . This Word is not for you alone but is also for all the other children of God he has surrounded you with . They may not be people you would choose . But abiding in Christ means loving them and being loved by them . It means living by the Scriptures together come what may . It means humbling yourself daily . ( For me it meant getting up at 5 : 00AM to take a woman and her daughter to the train station so that my sister in Christ wouldn 't have to . ) Jesus answered them , " Most assuredly , I say to you , whoever commits sin is a slave of sin . And a slave does not abide in the house forever , but a son abides forever . ( NKJV ) You may or may not feel like a slave on any given day . You may feel quite comfortable , actually . You live in America , land of the free , home of the brave . But your social and political freedom can 't free you from your sins . Nothing you do can free you from sin . Pretending they 're not there doesn 't work . You need Jesus , the way the truth and the life . Knowing Jesus is true freedom . Without Christ there is no way to stand against the powerful social , political , spiritual and personal forces that oppose us in this world . But just where we are weakest , God is determined to have His way in us . In the end our story is not about our ability or inability . It is about God 's plan . " What then are we to say about these things ? If God is for us , who is against us ? He who did not withhold his own Son , but gave him up for all of us , will he not with him also give us everything else ? Who will bring any charge against God 's elect ? It is God who justifies . Who is to condemn ? It is Christ Jesus , who died , yes , who was raised , who is at the right hand of God , who indeed intercedes for us . Who will separate us from the love of Christ ? Will hardship , or distress , or persecution , or famine , or nakedness , or peril , or sword ? As it is written , No , in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us . For I am convinced that neither death , nor life , nor angels , nor rulers , nor things present , nor things to come , nor powers , nor height , nor depth , nor anything else in all creation , will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord . " ( NRSV ) Life is struggle . Martin Luther said , " To have no temptation is the worst temptation . " May God save us from imagining the spiritual life as a comfy bed of roses . As long as we desire God 's will rest assured we will need courage and holy boldness . The way of Jesus leads us into confrontation . We don 't have to pick fights , God 's eye for the poor ensures that the powers that be will come looking for us . God 's love is controversial because it insists that money and things are temporary and relative to time . God is patient . His love is eternal . He cares deeply and does not lie . This kind of truth exposes many persons for what they have become as paid liars . If you imitate God rest assured life will be an adventure and you 'll turn your body in well worn from intense grief as well as real joy . " Beloved , I beseech you as sojourners and pilgrims , to abstain from fleshly lusts , which war against the soul " ( 1 Peter 2 : 11 , English Revised Version ) This is not our home . We live in a world where people are constantly on the go . They feel that time is their enemy . They hustle to make money and then can 't remember where they spent it or when . But we are homemaking sojourners . Life is difficult and too short . Everything is constantly changing and it 's very hard to adapt . We wonder if we have what it takes just to survive , let alone live life to its full . I meet new people all the time who have stories about where they 've come from , what happened , and how they plan to survive . But most of the stories lack any orientation . Orientation is a function of the mind involving time , place , and personhood . This world 's sense of orientation is based on personal wealth , ego , and isolation . Because their orientation is in Christ , Sojourners make different kinds of homes . Brian Walsh and Stephen Bouma - Prediger describe the mind of our age in terms of a vagabond : " The vagabond is a pilgrim without a destination ; a nomad without an itinerary . The vagabond journeys through an unstructured space ; like a wanderer in the desert , who knows only of such trails as are marked with his own footprints , and blown off again by the wind the moment he passes , the vagabond structures the site he happens to occupy at the moment , only to dismantle the structure again as he leaves . Each successive spacing is local and temporary - episodic . " ( Beyond Homelessness : Christian Faith in a Culture of Displacement , pg . 252 ) A vagabond has lost their orientation . There is no particular destination , and no need to arrive on time . When the Apostle Peter said " abstain from fleshly lusts , which war against the soul " we can be sure he wasn 't just talking about sexual lust . All lusts begin with desire , and our desires are interwoven with our imaginations . The things we long for in our waking dreams . Imagination is a powerful thing . It can be filled with fear and hate or with love and empathy . Walter Brueggeman said , " The key pathology of our time , which seduces us all , is the reduction of the imagination so that we are too numbed , satiated and co - opted to do serious imaginative work . " ( Beyond Homelessness , pg . 315 - 316 ) When we stop praying for God 's kingdom to come and God 's will to be done we start working to build our own kingdoms and do our own thing . Sojourners are People of the Book . Our orientation , our worldview , the operating manual , however you want to say it , comes from what God says we are in the Bible . And here 's the thing about God 's Word , it 's not just a bunch of facts or information that we memorize . Being God 's people means attending to the things Jesus taught us . What we think about , what we say , how we love , and who we belong to all matter in the long run . How long is this gonna take ? The duration of our lives . As People of the Book we develop memories that sin had robbed from us in the past . It does not matter how many good things happened to us in life when we were vagabonds , because we lacked orientation . If we found fifty bucks on the street it would be gone by sundown , spent on the riverboat or on lotto tickets . But as sojourners we remember everyday where God has brought us from , and where He has promised we are going . Sojourners don 't travel alone . In one sense we all stand alone before God . We can 't repent of anyone else 's sins , and we can 't carry the weight of another 's soul . But God has us traveling and living in the real fellowship of our brothers and sisters in Christ . As vagabonds , there was some occasional fellowship as it helped us get what we wanted . Free love , free food , free room and board occasionally and free opinions , but in the end we really didn 't mean to be committed to each other . Love was always too strong of a word . Love involves trust and vulnerability , and vulnerability brought up pain . But as a sojourner , we live out a type of commitment that is truly impossible without the Spirit of God . We learn the price of mutual regard and become willing to pay it ( like the sign says out in the lobby ) . It costs a lot to live like this . It cost Jesus Christ his life . And when Jesus said to follow by denying ourselves and taking up the cross , we can be sure that knowing Him involves commitment . The third mark of a sojourner is in hospitality . As a vagabond attempting to survive , we were taught that protecting our possessions and hiding them away was the only way to keep them . We learned as consumers that enough was never enough . New toys grow old by the next year , and real security was in grabbing as much material and space as possible as a way of gaining leverage for future purchasing . We picked our guests very carefully and spread our influence and reputation wisely . Sojourners think of their possessions very differently . They begin with a confidence that God has provided just what was needed in the past , is providing what they have now , and will provide as needed in the future . For this reason , what they have has been freely given and so they freely give it away . They work hard and instead of marking time in terms of money , they are grateful for each day they have to be able to serve . Hebrews 13 : 2 - 3 says : " Do not forget or neglect or refuse to extend hospitality to strangers [ in the brotherhood - being friendly , cordial , and gracious , sharing the comforts of your home and doing your part generously ] , for through it some have entertained angels without knowing it . Remember those who are in prison as if you were their fellow prisoner , and those who are ill - treated , since you also are liable to bodily sufferings . " Now , I don 't know about you , but I 've certainly thought to myself " there certainly aren 't any angels around here . " But such an attitude lacks all imagination . The text is not telling us to be on the look out for people with hidden wings or halos under their hat , but to never overlook the stranger in need . We should be reminded of Lot in the book of Genesis . The Lord 's messenger came to him when he lived in the wicked city of Sodom and brought him the warning that would save his family . I find that when my heart is not cold , the Lord regularly uses complete strangers to bless me with kindness and gratitude . More important than angels , we can 't forget Jesus ' words in Matthew 25 : 35 - 36 that he comes to us as the least of these hungry , thirsty , a stranger , naked , sick , and in prison . Hebrews 13 : 3 calls us to true empathy . We don 't just feel bad for prisoners , we remember them as fellow prisoners . When we encounter injustice , and there is plenty to go around , we remember that we ourselves suffer easily . Sojourners care about justice : housing for the homeless and low income , fair wages that come not just at the employer 's convenience , and care for Creation instead of exploitation . God calls us by name in His Son Jesus Christ , and with this call to be His people we know who we are . The God who created this world has not abandoned us . He calls us to be a People of Imagination who do not succumb to this world 's disorientation ; to the life of a short minded vagabond . We are meant for love and community , not simply survival . Some of you may not like to hear this message today . I 'm going to talk about being wronged , specifically , how to handle it when you 're dealt with unjustly . Maybe you feel like your anger is the last defense . The very last thing you still have . And that with your anger is bound your dignity as a person . I understand that feeling . Our recollection of our memories , and our ability to tell our story is central to our dignity . If we can prove we 're right when we 're wronged , we can prove to ourselves the truthfulness of our daily claims . We can say , " Yes , I 've still got it . I 'm not crazy . I 'm still trustworthy . " But life is full of incidents that test our decisions , and cause us to question our way of seeing things . There 's not just one way to see an event . There may be three or four . And very often , to get along we 've got to compromise . I love stories about redemption . Where someone wrongly accused , someone society has long lost behind bars , is set free and the story is set straight . Cornelius Dupree , Jr . was accused in 1979 of rape , robbery , and abduction . He was picked up two miles from the scene of a crime , paraded through a witness lineup , and locked up for 30 years before being paroled . But something else was going on . In Dallas Texas they were keeping their DNA samples . Through the work of the Innocence Project in New York this man 's case was reopened long after sentencing and DNA testing revealed his innocence . Dupree was not the only man accused in the case . Anthony Massingil was also found innocent but is still serving time for a different offense . The day after Dupree 's release , he married a woman he met 20 years earlier while in prison . He and Selma Perkins Dupree held hands as he spoke to reporters after the hearing . His brother , Steven Dupree , who was 8 when his brother went to prison , stood behind them . " I 'm kind of having mixed emotions . I feel that words won 't make up for what I lost , " Cornelius Dupree said , adding that both his parents have died . " It was only by the grace of God that I was able to sustain the long wait . " " Here is a man who claimed his innocence from the very beginning . He was at the wrong place at the wrong time . A young black man headed to a party . He spent three decades behind bars . His younger brother was a child when he was locked up and now he stands behind him a grown man . If anyone has the right to be crippled by hate it is Cornelius Dupree . But he says somehow God 's grace sustained him through the waiting process . There was something more important than getting back at those who wrongly accused him . It was living life as a free man . Perhaps the most difficult lesson to learn in life is that it really doesn 't matter what other people say about you . What really matters is what you know about yourself . If you are your own best defense then you can see where you 're going . If you are your own worst enemy then it doesn 't matter what you do , you are out to destroy yourself one way or the other . How can a person be their own worst enemy ? By poisoning every hour of their day with resentment toward other people . By acting out of the shame they feel toward themselves . Some people have been so abused throughout their lives that they see any gift given to them as another con . When they hear tell of the grace of God in Christ they think they know what that means . That means listen to a lot of pleasant words and then get ready to give your money or your time . Real spiritual conversion happens first with the admission of complete powerlessness , the belief in a God greater than myself , and my decision to turn my will over to God with complete abandon . There is no easier softer way . Admitting that I really don 't know what 's best for me runs contrary to every pore of my being , but that 's only the beginning . The real stuff of life involves navigating the 1001 reminders that I am not in control . Cars that don 't start . Broken door handles . Drafty windows . Dog poop on the shoe . Whiney children . Bad breath . Bubbly personalities . This is real life ! It 's downright irritating and exhausting . Life on the advertisements promises sunny landscapes with beautiful people and products that fix everything from spots on the clothing to incontinence to a beer that will make the work week worthwhile . There 's something downright appealing about the idea that a pill or a drink can make all my problems go away , beginning with the fact that I really don 't have to do much to receive it . I would dare to proffer that following Jesus means staring down the fact that there is no easy way out of life 's everyday problems . Jesus calls us from our shame and resentment out into the light of gratitude and service . The Bible has strong words regarding resentment . " Resentment kills a fool , and envy slays the simple . " ( Job 5 : 2 ) " The godless in heart harbor resentment ; even when he fetters them , they do not cry for help . " ( Job 36 : 13 ) " Mockers resent correction , so they avoid the wise . " ( Proverbs 15 : 12 ) In serving the Lord there is no place for resentment . Paul reminded Timothy , " And the Lord 's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone , able to teach , not resentful . " ( 2 Tim . 2 : 24 , NIV ) In my own experience , resentment and shame go hand in hand . When I feel slighted or wronged by another person 's actions it usually goes hand in hand with fear and shame . If I 'm in a new place and I feel dependent on others , I feel at their mercy because I don 't really know what 's going on . I go inside my head with resentment and shame in order to find a safe place where I 'm in control . Then things spiral downward from there . Resentment keeps me in my head , trapped in fantasy that believes wrongly in God 's inability to protect me . In my resentment I became convinced anew that I 've been wronged , dishonored , abused , and that nothing will keep this from happening again in the future . I feel self - righteous , vindicated , noticed , justified in my anger . My recourse is to imagine what I 'll do next time , how I 'll violently react and be justified . Resentment keeps me from the truth in the present moment . God changes people and he sees them as they really are , not as I imagine them to be . Resentment blinds me from seeing God 's good work in people and believing the best about them . In resentment I lose the gift of forgiveness . I need forgiveness everyday . I need to give it to receive it . Resentment blocks that . Resentment keeps me from prayer . Instead of praying for the person who wronged me , I 'm once again caught in justification and revenge . He needs my prayers as I need his . Our proximity is no simple accident . I have much to learn about patience and forgiveness . I need it from others and I need to give it . God help me . Resentment keeps me from God . Where God wants to use me in peace , hope , faith , love , resentment isolates me from all others ( masks itself as humble and peaceful ) and makes me a slave to fear . God 's perfect love casts out all fear . So really I 'm a slave to self , shame and pain . All God wants is for me to be free and allow Him to have His way . Even just a little resentment is toxic to me . I can 't handle a taste . I want to imagine more and then I 'm gone in a rage fantasy where I assume I 'm the overlooked entity of real value or I 'm the despised one who could 've have saved the show . Either way it 's all about me . Now I know , this is just my own experience . If you can relate even just a little bit then bear with me . The Bible doesn 't just give us cute little warnings to stop resenting . It gives us powerful redemption stories , where given the opportunity to do great wrong , men and women of God love in return . In the book of Genesis Joseph is one example . Sold by his brothers into slavery , then wrongly accused of trying to sexually abuse his master 's wife , Joseph gets placed by God into one of the most powerful positions in all of Egypt . Though he 'd been mistreated by the Egyptian system , he accepted God 's call to save this pagan land and all the surrounding areas from famine . Given the opportunity to get back at his brothers because of his position and their need for help , Joseph tests them and then finally reveals who he is . After their reconciliation he receives the blessing of their father before he passes away . They have a huge beautiful funeral and then the brothers once again get scared . They think their brother now has the power to get back at them and so they send a message saying that their father sent word before he died that he wanted Joseph to forgive them all for all the wrongs they 'd done to him . Then they finish with , " We are your slaves . " Joseph 's response was to weep before them all . What he says next is so powerful . " ' Don 't be afraid . Am I in the place of God ? You intended to harm me , but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done , the saving of many lives . So then , don 't be afraid . I will provide for you and your children . " And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them . ' " ( Gen . 50 : 19 - 21 , NIV ) Given the opportunity to exact justice for himself , Joseph demonstrated mercy . Why ? Because Joseph was living his life as a man for others . He saw himself as simply a steward of God 's will , and his many gifts as tools for responsible service . God uses sinful broken people to accomplish his work in the world . Everyone here in this room is full of God given potential . Maybe you 've seen him use you today to help someone else . Don 't take that for granted . Take stock of where you 've come from and know that God loves you and has not left you alone . Your story matters . Everything that has happened to you in life can be used by God to share his faithfulness with someone else . God is not done with you yet . But what he is doing in you is not for you alone . You may feel that like Joseph you are in a strange new place . You didn 't ask to be here . And you 're just trying to make sense of what 's going on . God knows . If you 're willing to let go God will use you to help someone else . It often happens in places where you least expect it . Let me share a secret . Unexpected gifts are everywhere when we have grateful hearts . Now here 's another story , and this is more of a cautionary tale . In Luke 15 : 11 - 32 Jesus tells a story of two lost sons and their father . You may remember the first son . He says to his father , " Give me my share of the estate " and then he gathers his stuff together and leaves for a far off country where he squanders the money in wild living . Then a famine strikes the land and he 's forced to hire himself out feeding pigs . He was so hungry that all he wanted was what the pigs had to eat , but no one gave him anything . You may remember that it says he came to his senses and then had a plan to go back and divest himself of all his rights as a son and simply become his father 's slave . He thought this would be just . He believed he had given up any right to his father 's respect because of the way he treated the household . This was his plan just to stay alive . But what happens in the story ? " So he got up and went to his father . But while he was still a long way off , his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him ; he ran to his son , threw his arms around him and kissed him . " The son said to him , ' Father , I have sinned against heaven and against you . I am no longer worthy to be called your son . ' " But the father said to his servants , ' Quick ! Bring the best robe and put it on him . Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet . Bring the fattened calf and kill it . Let 's have a feast and celebrate . For this son of mine was dead and is alive again ; he was lost and is found . ' So they began to celebrate . " ( Luke 15 : 20 - 24 , NIV ) The son does not get to finish his prepared statement . His divestment is interrupted by the father 's command for the party to begin . Instead of getting the dung scooping duty he gets the royal treatment . And this is completely unexpected . You 'll remember this is the story of two lost sons . There is an older brother who is none to excited about this son 's return . We all love this story of the young prodigal returning . We can obviously see that we 've all done bad things to run away from God . But we need to see ourselves in the older brother as well . The older brother , returning from the fields , hears the music from the party and asks what is going on . He hears that his brother has returned and that his father has honored him like a royal guest . He gets so angry that he won 't even go in to the party . So the father comes out to him to plead with him . " The more I reflect on the elder son in me , the more I realize how deeply rooted this form of lostness really is and how hard it is to return home from there . Returning home from a lustful escapade seems so much easier than returning home from a cold anger that has rooted itself in the deepest corners of my being . My resentment is not something that can be easily distinguished and dealt with rationally . It is far more pernicious : something that has attached itself to the underside of my virtue . Isn 't it good to be obedient , dutiful , law - abiding , hardworking , and self - sacrificing ? And still it seems that my resentments and complaints are mysteriously tied to such praiseworthy attitudes . This connection often makes me despair . At the very moment I want to speak or act out of my most generous self , I get caught in anger or resentment . And it seems that just as I want to be most selfless , I find myself obsessed about being loved . Just when I do my utmost to accomplish a task well , I find myself questioning why others do not give themselves as I do . Just when I think I am capable of overcoming my temptations , I feel envy toward those who give in to theirs . It seems that wherever my virtuous self is , there also is the resentful complainer . " ( The Return of the Prodigal Son , pgs . 75 - 76 ) Where do we find our freedom from this resentment ? In the father 's love . The father 's final words to his elder son in the story are , " ' My son , ' the father said , ' you are always with me , and everything I have is yours . But we had to celebrate and be glad , because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again ; he was lost and is found . ' " ( Luke 15 : 31 - 32 , NIV ) The father 's love and his house is largest enough for both wayward sons and resentful ones . I have often thought that I played a good game by being so introverted . I enjoyed my thoughts and feelings more than being with others . I thought I possessed all I needed and I grew to like all my thoughts to myself . Now I 've come to see the dark cave of resentment as a special kind of hell . I look around and see that my lack of desire to interact with others has affected us all . Others go on without me . They learn by my isolation to count me out . Gratitude is a conscious choice . Some of the most helpful advice I 've ever received involved simply sitting down and writing out two lists on a piece of paper . On one side I was instructed to write down everything I was afraid of . On the other side everything I had to be grateful for . I have done this many times and it has never failed to help set my thinking straight . In a very short time I come to remember that most of the things I 'm afraid of are not matters I can control anyway , and everything I 'm grateful for is because of the grace of God ! Since I 'm not in control , and all of life is gift what have I to get resentful for ? ! ! Peace be to you all and love with faith , from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ . Grace be with all who have an undying love for our Lord Jesus Christ . ( Eph . 6 : 23 ) A Desperate Kind of Faithful Look at the feet . A broken bottle of incense lies on the floor . She lies there weeping and kissing the Son of God . She mops her tears with her hair . Some think its disgusting . His money man is sickened by the waste . The Son of God says " When you 're forgiven much you love much . " This humiliating , messy , desperate attempt at kindness is my kind of story . It illustrates the only kind of faith that fits me . 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We are the chosen ones for this journey . You all have been chosen to fight for the world . You are the Guardians of the Fallen . You shall rise after we fall . If you have received this , you are chosen for such an incredible journey to Galaxies , other Worlds , defeat creatures you 've never thought could be real . Your imagination will rise . Put your strength and skills to the test , push them over the limit . You will be joined by others as of such . They shall and will become your family , your team . Take heed to my words as I speak to you . Accept , for you are the chosen . This is a Medieval Fantasy Action and Romance Type rp . This is my first one ever made like this , I usually don 't make these types but I 'm willing to give it a try . Here 's the rules , no bullshit or any of the like . Post regularly , if possible , don 't keep others waiting , I don 't care how long the posts are just don 't make it ridiculously long , that 's retarded , we are in a rp , not a book . No god modding , don 't kill off any characters , unless given permission by the player . Warning : Their will be blood and gore as well . Such as Romance , Drama , Jealousy and such . I want a equal amount of woman and men . I really want to do this rp , I have also selects certain songs to go with the fight scenes and such . PM for more info or if you want to ask any questions . Make a CS and I 'll check it out . : ) Arashi took a look at the letter she received a few days ago that announced that she was the second chosen . After receiving the letter from the messenger , she read it calmly . Thinking it was some sort of joke she spoke to the messenger that sent her the letter , but to no avail , he didn 't reveal anything besides restating the contents of the paper . After putting a lot of thought into it , she decided to go to the location the letter had stated the chosen should go . Without knowing anything else , she departed from her home town and thus , arriving in a completely different location to where she was supposed to meet with the other chosen ones . Every movement of hers was graceful as she walked towards the gate , not seeing anyone who seemed to be who she was supposed to be looking for . When she asked the gatekeeper if anyone beside her had arrived , they shook their head , staring at her in awe and surprise from her strange politeness . Deciding to wait patiently for the others arrival , she stood on the sidelines and fixed her traditional , demon - horned mask , straightening out her kimono and brushed her hand through her long , raven - black hair . Crossing her arms , she leaned back , against a tree to be shaded from the sun and waited for the others arrival as she listened to the spirits of the dead in the new town speak to her . Depends on the character , and other players . If there are several plots already , then passive . If there 's only a main plot ill probably establish a subplot . The flames diminished , then they were embers in the fireplace . Serei turned and walked to the dresser at the other end of the room . On top of it was a large piece of leather , three dimensional , as if some sort of item were inside it . She picked it up and tied it with thick rope to her back , awkwardly position between her wings . A light click noise signified that the glamour had been cast , and an elegant hand waved slightly , extinguishing the three candles lighting the dim room . " Athkreal slovorna laeken korekiil . . . " The words were hollow , and they echoed like dull thunder through the room . A trained ear could make out that the side wall was an illusion , and it was this wall that faded now . What was behind it was much stranger . A pentagram had been painted onto the wall in a thick crimson liquid , and the elemental symbols for fire , air , earth , dark and light had been painted , one in each spike . Somewhere , in a town , a black cat wandered seemingly out of a wall . It paused , and observed it 's surroundings . Of notable interest were a person in a demon mask , who the cat assumed to be a street performer , and a large gate , which the cat assumed to be the main entrance . Liam heard his door bell go off and instantly jumped up . He didn 't say anything but just quietly walked over to the door and put on his coat which covered his face . He opened the door and two strange men opened were standing their . " Liam Anderson ? " the man side . He looked at them and was about to close the door but the guy stepped his foot in front of the door and blocked it . " We are in a need of your assistance . You are the chosen one . You are the first to be receiving this . We know who you are and what you are . We 've traveled from all over the galaxies to find you . We 've been watching you . " he said as the other man gave him an envelope and he opened it and read it . He looked up and was about to close the door . " We already have your things and what you need . You have to come , you have no choice . The universe and the world needs you . " he said . Liam looked at them and then around , he looked down and his big fat fluffy cat loved on his leg " Oh , we forgot one . " the man said and picked it up and within a flash , he warped and then came back . Liam just stood their and then nodded as he closed the door and locked it . The walked to a limo and got it . " We are honored to be in your presence , the Chosen One . " he said . Liam didn 't say anything but nodded . 45 minutes later , they arrived at this big place . It looked different , he could sense it . He looked up and then around the huge building . " We are here . Ah , the others are here . Splendid . " the man said . The got out and the man walked on Liams side and opened his door " Chosen Once ? " he said as he got out and saw the other people looking at the same . The letter said that their are others that are chosen , but he was the first . He walked up toward the building , passing the others . No one could see his face but his hand nearly lit up as he saw the gatekeeper . " Calm yourself , my Chosen One . You are the key to opening this gate . " he said . He looked back at the others and the two men standing just a few feet away from him . They nodded . Liam lifted up his hand and wind began to pick up as a shine of light shot to his and the gate unlocked . The gatekeeper smiled . The rest just nodded their head . " I was right . . . the world and universe depends on you and the ones that shall arrive . " he said as he sat his hand on his shoulder . Liam didn 't like to be touched but the gatekeeper didn 't seem like a threat but he stepped away anyways . He chuckled as he saw Liam move " You 'll do just fine . " he said as he looked at the others . " Do come inside . We must get this started , we have a very very long journey ahead of us . " he said as he looked up and smiled . Liam followed as he looked back and stood away from the others as far as he could . ' Chosen One ? I hate this . . ' he thought to himself . ' I wonder who else may be coming . ' he thought once more . Depends on the character , and other players . If there are several plots already , then passive . If there 's only a main plot ill probably establish a subplot . ( ( Doesnt it say MEDIEVAL fantasy as both a tag and in the OP ? I was under the premise that it was just that . No doorbells , or limos . ) ) ' You have been chosen . ' The man repeated as she looked up at him . All she could do was make small mewing sounds at him as he stretched his arm out towards her . He held out a small envelope to which she cautiously grabbed from him . How had her day turned out this odd ? She had been hunting a small mouse in an alley way when a large , threatening looking human towered over her . The man looked quite pleased as she took the envelope from him and opened it . ' I 'm the fifth ? ' She smiled at the sight of her lucky number as the man nodded at her , offering her his hand to help her up off the ground where she sat . She gladdly took it as she followed him closely behind . Never had a human showed such kindness to her . She pulled the neck of her jumper up over her cheeks to hide her whiskers as they walked throught the streets , uncertain of when she was headed . The humans stared at her , regardless of her attempts to hide her face but with the man protecting her nothing was said , nothing was done , no one dared to hurt her . Liam looked around and saw a girl with eh escorts ' She must be pretty important as well . Her and I seem to only have escorts on our side . . ' he thought as he looked at her curiously . One of her escorts nodded at him , like he knew something . The Gatekeepers stopped in front of the door and turned around . He looked at the the other gatekeepers and then at the Chosen Ones . " Welcome , my Chosen Ones , for I am what you call a Gatekeeper or for the real term of such is a Guardian . " he said as he looked at Liam and then at the other girl but back at Liam . " Liam . . . . would you please , open the door . " he said as Liam looked around again . " Go on . . " his escorts said . Liam stepped forward but looked at the girl with the hidden face , it felt like slow motion but then as he looked at the door , it felt strange . He stuck up his hand once more and a beam of light shot to his hand once more but this time . . it hurt more than the last one . " Mmmmmmmmmph . . . . . . . . hmmmmmmmph . . " he groaned as his body began to heat up , smoke floating off his body . His hood kept his face hidden really well . The door opened as Liam fell to one knee and then stood up and shook his head . The Gatekeeper smiled " You are strong . . . can you continue ? " he asked . Liam didn 't say a word and stood on his two feet and nodded . " Good . " he said but he looked at the girl with the hidden face " You , my dear are the only one that can open the last door . Free your mind and heart . You will not be harmed here . Lets move on . " he said as everyone walked behind him . His escorts followed Liam and kept watch . From the outside looked creepy but from the inside looked totally different . It wasn 't like anything worldy . Like . . more high tech . Creatures walked around and little Orcs did as well . ' What is this place ? ' he thought to himself . Then a man walked up from above " Howdy ya 'll . " a man in a suite . ' The President ? ' he thought as his eyes widened . She watched as the one who had been called ' Liam ' opened the gate , which seemed to have taken a tole on him as he fell to his knee but quickly regained himself . She narrowed her eyes at him as he looked at her , she didn 't want to draw attention to herself . The man who had introduced himself as the ' Gatekeeper ' adressed her , though his reasurance didn 't make her any less cautious about this situation . She stayed close the her new companion , though she felt odd she didn 't really know anything about him . ' Why are you here ? ' She whispered up to him , unsure as to why a human like him would be protecting something like her . ' I am just here until you can control yourself . ' She didn 't really understand what he meant by that but felt as if that was all he was willing to say . The building was quite eerie , casting a dark shadow over those who approached its doors . It looked as though it may be quite an old building , like those out of a horror movie where there are monsters and . . . These thoughts were awful and she slipped behind her companion , hiding incase there were actually monsters inside . The large doors opened to reveal an almost futuristic room , completely contrasting to what the outside was . she peeked out from behind him and stood in awe . riddick was on the planet taria . he was a great warrior and was serving the high priestess when he was handed the letter from her and told to go . he took the jump portal . after going through the jump portal he ended up in another dimension and noticed some one opening a portal . riddick hid in the shadows . Arashi stood in the distance , leaning against the tree she was standing at and watched the group of people silently as the gatekeepers spoke , explaining the situation . One of the gate keepers was speaking to the boy named Liam and another girl , telling them they were able to open the gates . As she listened to their conversation , Arashi decided to stay where she was and closed her eyes , listening to the voices that surrounded her , belonging to none of the living . She was used to the voices by now , it was all she ever heard the day she was born and most of them were unfriendly , begging her to save them as others taunted her . crossing her arms , she heaved a sigh and put a hand on her ear to signal to the raging souls that she did not want to listen to their pleas of reviving back to the world of the living . Liam saw the man speak to everyone and looked at Liam and Neko " We 've been expecting you two . Especially you , Liam . " he said as he walked toward him . Liams hand opened a little and was stepping back . " Don 't be alarmed . I won 't hurt you . " he said as he smiled and put his hand on his shoulder . He looked at everyone " As all of you know , you have been chosen to be Guardians of the Fallen . Protectors of the worlds and galaxies . This won 't be a easy task nor will it be impossible . You will put your skills to the test and push them over the limits . You will be a team . Think of this as . . . the military but you get paid a hell of a lot more . " He said as he looked at Liam and waved him over . As Liam did , everyone in the building stopped in their tracks and watched him , it was awkward , very . He stood close to the president and looked at him . Soon a door began to form , it was something out of a movie . He didn 't know what to think . It finished forming and it stood almost as tall as a 20 story building . He looked up at it . " You are the key to this door . This door way to other galaxies and worlds . Show us that we chose right . " he said and stepped back behind Neko " Wait and you will walk up beside him and open this door with him . You are also the key . " he said . Liam stood directly in the middle . He felt stronger for some reason . He spread his hands apart and soon his entire body took aflame . He spread his arms , and a beam of light formed and as soon as he put his hands together , the light zoomed straight into his hands . It burned and the fire on him built and built . The door lit up and a shield surrounding it started to crack . The beam was beginning to way him down . " Mmmmmmmmmaaahhhhhh ! ! ! " he yelled as the fire built up more around . Then his flames began to change colors , and the build more . " Now . . now is your time , he needs you , Neko . . " he said and stepped away . ( Gah ! Σ （ ﾟдﾟlll ） I 'm so sorry ＿|￣|○ I probably didn 't read carefully . Don 't worry , I already fixed and edited my post ( ^_^ ) ゞ ) Depends on the character , and other players . If there are several plots already , then passive . If there 's only a main plot ill probably establish a subplot . Oh OK . Just because its other galaxies doesnt make them more or less developed . If anything that makes it sound futuristic . Either way , expect me to drop out at some point if I feel I don 't like where it 's going . I 'm also confused as to what exactly is happening now . I imagined I was in some sort of 1200 - s style area , but reading your descriptions it sounds like you 're in a modern day area so mind if my char meets you like in the area between dimensions / galaxies / realms ? She looked over at the one called ' Liam ' as he spread his arms apart and was engulfed in flames . The flickering fire sparked something deep within her mind as she held her head , the pain growig stronger within . As if she were a different person she regained herself , standing by Liams side as she mimiced him . Her flames danced over her skin , never burning . THIS was her element and it would not dare to harm its wielder . She kept this up , clearly not in any pain though her energy was expending fast . Liam felt like he was getting stronger but at the same time it burnt and hurt him . It wasn 't the fire around him that burnt it was the beam from the door that surged through his body . Soon all was lifted and was equal in his pain . He looked to the right of him and saw a the girl , Neko , standing next to him and doing the same as his . Their fire combined perfectly " Amazing . . . just amazing . " the President said as he looked at the others . Them got stronger and stronger as the shield began to decrease and was no more . The beam made a zooming sound and got louder and louder and then it exploded around Neko and Liam . It was the power of the door that led to other places . They unlocked . Liam stood their like he just got done fighting a whole country . Steaming floating off his body . The flame around his hand was calm and surging around his whole hand , both hands . He breathed in and out , his breathing was rough and rasp . He looked a Neko and just stared at her . He nodded as he saw the same to her hands . He was about to say something but someone spoke before him . " Beautiful ! Just beautiful ! " a man said but was a little Orc looking thing . He walked over to Neko and Liam . " Such power you have . You two formed perfectly with unlocking the door . " he said as he looked at the others , " Now , I am Dr . Orchina , I will be analyzing your skills as we put you through training . You have 2 days before you will be sent off to defend what can not do anymore . " he said as he smiled . " Now , I will be putting you and another person to train and then fight against each other , see them as another enemy . Test your skills , don 't get cocky . " he said as he looked at Liam and Neko " You two will be up first . " he said with a big smile . " Now , all of you follow me to the Training Room . " he said with a giggle " This will be fun . " he snarled as he rubbed his hands together . Depends on the character , and other players . If there are several plots already , then passive . If there 's only a main plot ill probably establish a subplot . The cat watched as the buildings dissolved around it . The tiny particles of brick floated off with the breeze , and the ground was replaced with a strange , illusory material . Far below the cat , stars twinkled . Actually , all around the cat , stars twinkled , and yet , the ground was solid material . Now that it thought about it , the cat realised it was a cat no longer , and had resumed it 's normal guise . " What is this place and why cant I do anything ? " The voice was frustrated , it knew it was powerless here . Another voice answered it , echoing deep through the area , a breath on the wind and through the cliffs . " welcome to hell . . . " a booming laughter thundered through the sky . " I will be your guide today . And to answer your question , you cannot do anything here because in this realm , neither light or darkness exists . We are in a gap , a glitch , a fault in the universe . Somewhere that was never intended to exist , and yet , here it is . " The owner of the voice appeared . It was a slight form , constructed of what seemed to be a faint grey , clear gel substance . " From here I can observe the birth and death of any number of galaxies , look there . " The grey thing pointed a finger . It 's target was a relatively close by planetoid . It was a bright orange in colour , with yellow and red parts . " The lighter colour indicates where the fire is hotter . If you listen carefully , you can hear the people scream . " He gestured again , this time to a section of a distant asteroid belt . " Watch as birth comes out of death . " a smaller asteroid collided with a large one , and so did several others . " Those asteroids used to be a planet too . If I remember correctly , they had almost discovered lightspeed travel . A shame really . Anyway , look here . This is our destination . " They walked towards a blue planet . It was quite small , and it looked rather insignificant . " I have gifted you with the knowledge you will require to understand this world in time . You have two days . " With that , Serei found herself standing at the end of a corridor . A man in a suit walked towards her , followed by 2 other people . According to the databank , this man was called the " president " . She felt as if she were about to pass out , her body drained . Once it was over she slumped a little , her white hair falling over her face as she panted . The flame in her palms were controlled , shaped in a perfect orb as it continued to burn blue in colour . She clenched her hands i to fists , absorbing what was left of the flame and raised get hands to pull her jumper down from her face . She took in a deep breath and sweapt her hair back behind her with her hands . She couldn 't remember the last time she was more human and able to control her fire . " Beautiful . . . " An unfamiliar voice spoke , making her straighten herself up as she listened i tensly to the short , ugly creature . He reminded her of something from a fairytale . " You two will be up first . " The ugly creature gestured to her and the one called Liam . She looked at him before taking a step away , putting some much needed distance between them . She hadn 't realised how close they had been standing until now . " . . . Follow me . . . " The creature continued , a smirk spread across its face , making it look even uglier . It sent shivers down her spine . With no other choice she followed the creature slowly , wincing with each step she took . Arashi , opened her eyes realizing that the two people who were near the gate , were gone . Sighing , she walked towards the gatekeepers that she talked to previously and asked them where they went . The two gatekeepers gave her a strange look , wondering why she wasn 't with them , but shrugged at each other and told her that they passed through a portal . Not giving her much information , Arashi decided to rely on her ability with communicating to the souls that were wandering around her . Going to a location where she was not visible , she spoke to them . After all , it would be starnge for people to see her talking to herself . Agreeing to her request to be sent to where the others were , a black shadow from below her engulfed her as if she was swallowed by the ground and emerged into a room that looked as if it was for training . Looking around , she saw two people that she saw earlier in flames and another girl standing on standby . At the moment , her presence was unknown as she approached the girl standing on the sidelines and stood a few distance away . Arashi wasn 't particularly bothered by being unnoticed , she found it quite reliable at times for having a weak presence and was usually thankful for it . Silently watching what was going on , she didn 't need to hear an explanation as to what was happening since the voices whispering around her , had told her what had happened . Crossing her arms , she watched the scene before her and quieted the voices that surrounded her . Liam and Neko followed the little Orc into the training room . " Now , you two stand on the platform . " he said as he did so . He looked around and a force field surrounded the arena . He looked at Neko and the the Doctor . " NOW . I want you two to fight . Test your skills . Don 't worry , you can 't kill one another . This is a training exercise , not gladiator . " he said . Liam looked at the doctor baffled and shook his head . He doesn 't fight woman , let alone hurt them in any way . He wasn 't like that . He spent almost his entire life watching that when he was growing up . He doesn 't like that . The doctor looked at him and chuckled " Oh ? You don 't want to fight her ? Clearly you are hell of a lot stronger than her , Mr . Anderson . I mean come one . You opened 3 doors . Fight her and prove to your skills that you are worthy . She isn 't as strong as you . " he said as he looked at Neko . It wasn 't true , he was just saying that to see what she would do . Agitate her , prove she was stronger . Liam still shook his head . He looked at Neko and shook his head " No . . . " he said and that was all he said , nothing more . He saw a stance and flopped his head back ' Damn it . . . . ' he thought into his head . He looked at the others who stood and watched . He didn 't want to fight her but than again he had no choice . Dr . Orchina smiled " This will be fun to watch . " he said as everyone gathered around to watch the fight . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs .

July 31st , 2004 , by admin Trail Ridge Road from Estes Park to Grand Lake brings back a song from my college years : I 'm on the top of the worldlooking down on creationand the only explanation I can find , is the love that I 've foundever since you 've been around . Your love 's put me at the top of the world . At the Alpine Visitor Center we took a short trail to an overlook . It is a steep trail that climbs to an elevation of 12 , 005 feet . Three years ago I had to stop several times , and was breathing hard when I reached the top . Today I was amazed to find that I am in much better shape . I kept a steady pace ( 10 pound camera bag and all ) and was not winded when I arrived at the top . The view is indescribable - you really are at the top of the world . Rare tundra plants are identified along the trail . My husband pointed out Alpine Parsley and said , " Here 's something Mom hasn 't tried yet to feed us on that Blood Type Diet . " Ha Ha - very funny . After we crossed the Continental Divide , we saw a moose grazing in a swampy area near the Beaver Ponds . I 've seen moose in Canada and Wisconsin and Wyoming , but there are only 50 in Rocky Mountain National Park , and it was a thrill to see one . On the return trip , we saw five big horn sheep grazing above timberline , another rare July sighting . Lunch was at the Boardwalk Cafe in Grand Lake . I ordered a veggie omelet and substituted a side salad for the hash browns and toast . What an outstanding salad it was , containing several different greens including fresh spinach and dandelion . There were chunks of broccoli , carrots , celery , and even a generous helping of jicama . I had a little bottle of extra virgin olive oil in my backpack to use for dressing . The owner worried that the omelet looked lonely on the plate without the traditional breakfast starches , but I assured her that I was very , very happy . We picnicked in our motel room and watched a movie tonight . Seedless black grapes were on sale at the local grocery store . I had never tried them , and they were sweet and delicious . My son had a tuJuly 30th , 2004 , by admin We hiked in the Bear Lake area today . First we took a short loop trail around Bear Lake itself . There are lots of good memories associated with Bear Lake , and walking around it is like renewing an old friendship . Then we set out on the more ambitions Bierstadt Lake trail . It is a lovely hike through the forest . Suddenly you break out of the trees seeing the lake and a beautiful view of Longs Peak , Flattop Mountain , and Hallett Peak . Letting everyone make their own trail mix turned out to be a good idea . We sat on the rocks and munched our snacks , and enjoyed the view before returning to the car . In all we hiked a little more than five miles . Not bad for our first day at high altitude . I am a photographer as well as a writer . Everywhere we go on vacation I carry a backpack with 10 pounds of camera equipment . I 'll shoot about one roll of slide film per day on this trip . I 'll also have stronger shoulder and leg muscles by the time we get home . Dinner tonight was at the Big Horn Restaurant . Their buffalo burger looked good to me . Buffalo is a Type O beneficial , but it is next to impossible to get where I live . Unfortunately the side choices were fries , onion rings , mashed potatoes or 3 - bean salad . As I read through the menu , I had noticed grilled liver and onions . Our waiter was a nice German exchange student . I asked if I could have grilled onions , like the ones served with liver , as my side order to a buffalo burger . He was agreeable . I discarded the bun , and ate my buffalo patty with a knife and fork along with lettuce , sliced tomato and grilled onions . My son chose the elk burger . I presume that elk is ok since venison is beneficial . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Eating on the fly & Taco Baja July 29th , 2004 , by admin As we travel I 'm going to record how we eat and how we exercise . On long travel days we eat as we drive - we call it " eating on the fly " . We collapse one seat in the van and put the ice chest and food box there . It 's a table where the kids can play cards or stack back packs most of the day , but at mealtime , I move to the back seat and become a short order BTD chef . For myself I had tossed all the leftover vegetables from the refrigerator into a plastic dish . There was leftover brisket and leftover chopped steak . I mixed half of each into the vegetables . With the other half of the beef , I made a thick sandwich for my son . My daughter had peanut butter and jelly on sprouted bread . My husband had a turkey and soy cheese on sandwich . I sliced apple and nectarine for dessert . Exercise on a travel day is tough . I did almost two hours of 5 - minute isometrics when it was my turn to drive . ( If you don 't remember 5 - minute isometrics , go to my archives and look for a blog by that name in May ) . When we got to our motel , I walked laps around the building , going up or down every time I came to a staircase . It is a tradition that our first meal the night we arrive in Estes Park is at Taco Bell . The Type As , like the burritos , and I get a taco salad . Tonight they were out of taco salad ! I was tired , hungry , and disappointed . Everyone else placed their order ; I said I would walk around and see what I could find to eat . Across the street was a locally owned Mexican restaurant called Taco Baja . The menu offered lots of choices . I ordered taco salad with beef and black beans , but no cheese or sour cream . The owner was a friendly man who tried to guess what diet I was on . At first he thought vegetarian because I said no cheese , then he remembered the beef . When I said Blood Type Diet , he said , " Oh , my in - laws do BTD ; have for years . They own a spa in Arizona and tried to get me to come down and open a Blood Type restaurant . " As I walked back across the street , my son saw me coming . " Mom 's smiling , " he said . IPosted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Packing for Vacation July 27th , 2004 , by admin Soon we will be leaving for a week in the mountains . I can hardly wait ! ! Right now I 'm starting to pack . On vacation , our family picnics two meals a day . We always eat breakfast in our room , unless our motel has a healthy complementary continental breakfast . We always have one meal in a restaurant . That 's when we eat salads , cooked meat , and other things that are difficult to picnic . We have one meal out of the ice chest and food box . Last year on vacation I had been on the Type O diet for less than two months . How , I asked myself , would I picnic without bread ? I bought small cans of vegetables - spinach , peas , lima beans . Every day I opened one can of vegetables and mixed it in a bowl with tuna or sardines . I ate that while the rest of the family ate sandwiches . I 'm planning similar meals for myself this year . The rest of the family is following the BTD a little more closely this year . I 've already packed soy milk , and my daughter will take the portable blender she bought for last spring 's mission trip . She will have her morning soy shake . My husband has requested soy cheese for his sandwiches . I 'll be taking two packages in the ice chest in case we can 't buy it locally . Before the BTD , I took several varieties of trail mix . This year I think it will be better if I pack walnuts , almonds , peanuts , and several dried fruits separately . I 'll take zipper sandwich bags , and let everyone create their own trail mix day to day . I 'm also taking soy protein bars for backpacks . There is a nice grocery store near where we will be staying so I can buy fruit and carrots locally . Three years ago there was also a small , but nice health food store . Businesses come and go in resort villages , so I can 't assume it will still be there . Packing clothes is easy : shorts for daytime hiking , jeans for horseback riding , a light jacket for mountain thunderstorms . It 's the food that takes the planning . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Pyramid problems July 24th , 2004 , by admin Hidden in the middle of a news story I found this interesting sentence , " Current government dietary guidelines recommend that 45 % to 65 % of daily calories come from carbohydrates . An updated USDA pyramid is slated for release in 2005 . " How many revisions is this of the food pyramid ? At least the 3rd that I can remember . Sometimes people send me comments asking what I think about one of the other popular diets , or whether I think they could combine another diet with the BTD . To me the big difference between the BTD and all the other diet plans ( South Beach , Adkins , Pritican , Weight Watchers , etc , etc ) is that all the others assume that people are all the same . The food lists are the same , the exercise requirements are the same . When I look around I can see for myself that that is simply not true . Some people feel great as vegetarians ; other people get sick . Some people thrive on red meat , other people get sick . Some people love aerobic exercise , some people do better stretching . The BTD not only explains the differences , but it helps you identify which plan will really work for you . If there was a " one size fits all " diet that really worked , ask yourself why they need another revision to the food pyramid . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Freshman 15 July 23rd , 2004 , by admin For years I have read that muscle weighs more than fat . I never believed it until now . I can remember in high school watching friends issue each other a challenge to see who could lose weight the fastest . At the end of a week or two , whichever one had lost the least would say , " I 've been exercising more , so I 'm converting muscle to fat , and muscle weighs more . " It sounded to me like an excuse for why the diet wasn 't working . When by the end of a month both friends were back to looking and eating just as they had before , I was convinced I was right . At Christmas last year we picked up our college son for the holidays . His roommate 's mom said , " Don 't the boys look great . No freshman 15 for our guys . " The boys gave us an ear full . They had observed that dorm food didn 't cause the notorious 15 pound weight gain for college freshmen . In their opinion it was binge drinking . " Too many carbs from pizza and beer , " my son said bluntly , " that 's the cause of the freshman 15 . " That fall he had become interested in the weight room at the student rec center . In the spring he became serious about weight training . This summer he used some of his life guard money to join a gym . He has gained 9 pounds - up to 164 from 155 . He appears to be the same size . His clothes all still fit , and his waist is the same . He has noticeably added muscle , especially to his shoulders and chest . Even at that when I look at him , I think where is he hiding 9 pounds ? The only explanation is that muscle really is heavier than fat . It makes me want to join a gym . But don 't let it be an excuse to fudge on the BTD ! July 22nd , 2004 , by admin My husband loves casseroles . Probably the thing he likes least about the BTD is that I fix fewer casseroles . In a mixed Type O / Type A household it is just hard to get all the ingredients compliant for both blood types . It 's easier cook single ingredient foods and let everyone pick and choose . But I have made a quantum leap forward by finding an adequate substitute for Cream of Mushroom Soup . A couple of months ago I blogged about trying to use silken tofu as a casserole ingredient . My first effort was an abysmal failure , but I promised to keep trying . I finally got up the nerve to buy another carton of silken tofu . I was going to make my husband 's 2nd favorite casserole , " Five Spice Beef â €˜ n Rice . I substituted ground turkey for the ground beef and a tofu sauce for the cream of mushroom soup . It tasted good to me , but the real test was my family . I just served the casserole with no word of explanation . My husband and son gobbled it up , without noticing any difference . Here is the link to the sauce - http : / / www . tofu . com / rec2 / recipe1 . htmlI made it with lemon juice and miso . I halved the recipe , and that seemed to equal 1 can of cream of mushroom soup . I should be clear that by itself , this sauce does not taste like mushroom soup . It has the creamy texture of the soup , and that is what is usually called for in a casserole . If I was making a recipe where the taste of mushrooms was important , I would buy compliant mushrooms , sautà © them in some butter , and stir them into the sauce . July 19th , 2004 , by admin When I shop and a sales person asks , " What size are you ? " I answer , " I have no clue , I 'll have to try it on . " I 'm not trying to be difficult . In my closet I have clothes in sizes 12 , 10 , 8 , and 6 . All of them fit me . I have tops that I am wearing this summer in sizes small , medium AND large . So I was fascinated when I came across a magazine article about how women 's clothes are sized . It turns out that in the 1940s , they measured 10 , 000 women in the military . They then assigned sizes 2 through 20 based on those women . At that time , they determined that the average woman in America was 5 ' 2 " tall and weighed 129 pounds . Today the average American woman is 5 ' 4 " tall and weighs 142 pounds . Is it any wonder we are getting taller and wider when you look at the most popular take out foods ? Hamburgers - wheat is an avoid for Os and Bs ; beef is an avoid for As and ABs . Hamburgers are good for no one . Pizza - tomatoes are avoids for As and Bs ; wheat is an avoid for Os and Bs . Only ABs could consider pizza , and no pepperoni for them as pork is an avoid for all types . Fries - potatoes are avoids for Os and As , but foods fried in hydrogenated fat should be shunned by all . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Herbivore & Carnivore July 16th , 2004 , by admin Until I was two , I ate whatever my mom spooned into my mouth . But at age two I rejected all vegetables . My mom , concerned , spoke to the pediatrician . He said , " Children know what they need . Don 't force her , let her choose . " That would have been very good advice EXCEPT for the addictive qualities of wheat and sugar . When I was given full freedom with no restraint , I said " NO , " to peas , squash and spinach ; and " yes " to bread and cookies . In stark contrast to my upbringing , was a little boy I babysat for . Many times when I arrived at his house he would be at the table with a defiant expression on his face . His father would shout , " He doesn 't get up until he eats every bite on his plate . " I was left with the impossible task of following the parent 's instructions and getting along with the boy ( for this they paid me 50 cents an hour ! ! ! ) . When I had my own children knew I had to strike a balance between the two extremes . From the time my children began to feed themselves , I put a little bit of whatever we had on their plates . They had to at least taste everything , and they had to eat all of the foods they normally liked before they could get seconds on anything . For example : neither of them liked squash and both of them liked green beans . They had to take a tiny taste of squash and eat all of their green beans before they could get extra bread , meat or fruit . A funny thing happened . My son always wanted seconds on meat . My daughter wanted seconds on legumes and salad . We joked for years that one was an herbivore and one was a carnivore . This was long , long before I heard about the Blood Type Diet . My old pediatrician had been almost right ! When children are given a selection of good foods , they will choose what they need . July 15th , 2004 , by admin There 's too much going on today to stick with one subject . If you have a teenager or a pre - teen , make sure they read today 's D ' Adamo Clinic column on " Chips means Zits . " I 'm posting this so late in the day , that you may have to click on today 's Clinic column , scroll to the bottom , and click previous topics . In 6th and 7th grade my daughter was struggling with pimples . I did not want to go the oral prescription route , but I could see that she was going to have a rough time . In 8th grade her skin completely cleared up and is now beautiful . Was it a coincidence that her 8th grade year we started the Blood Type Diet ? I asked her what she thought . She said that there was no question that the Type A Diet had helped . She said she had done two other things that she thought had helped also . She committed to washing her face at least twice a day and to using more moisturizer . She read in a magazine that when a pimple first showed up she should put acne cream on it , and cover it with concealer . She said that is supposed to hold the medicine in all day . She said that she thought giving up potatoes , red meat and milk ; and eating more salads and legumes had helped her in lots of ways - her skin being one of them . After I did the blog on " Simple and Inexpensive Diet " Don commented that onions should have received more attention . He was correct ! I treated onions like a seasoning , and they are a vegetable in their own right . Don has inspired me to eat more onions . He says he has an onion every morning for breakfast . " For breakfast ? " I asked . He says yes . He steams them and eats them with olive oil and salt . I tried them steamed ( though not for breakfast ) and they were very good . Don likes eggs and onions cooked together . I sautà © ed an onion in butter this morning , then scrambled in four eggs . My share was quickly gone before my son got to the kitchen . He took one bite and said , " Now this is really good . " Today I had lunch at a Mongolian Barbeque restaurant with two handsome lifeguards - my son and one Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Hungry July 14th , 2004 , by admin For two days I have felt like Rolly in " 1001 Dalmatians " . He was the puppy who said over and over , " I 'm hungry , Mother . Really I am . " I have NOT been hungry for donuts or ice cream . I remember sugar and carb cravings , but I haven 't had those since I became established on the Type O Diet . I have NOT been hungry for protein . That happens from time to time , usually after a meal in a restaurant where they serve small meat portions and assume you will fill up on bread or order dessert . I have been hungry for good Type O stuff like black eyed peas and bananas and cooked greens and walnuts and parsnips . I 've eaten big meals and numerous snacks . I just haven 't felt full . This afternoon I decided maybe I was really thirsty rather than hungry . I have been drinking my quota of water , but maybe I need more fluid in the summer . I had a glass of pineapple juice ( with plain gelatin ) and later a glass of cranberry juice ( with glutamine powder ) . Right now the frantically hungry feeling has gone , and it 's time to go to sleep . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Walnuts and white teeth July 12th , 2004 , by admin When I was in 2nd grade I found out I was allergic to chocolate . I continued to eat a little chocolate here and there until I was in college , when I had such a bad reaction that I gave up chocolate for good . In my 20s I found out that caffeine made my ears ring . Nerve deafness runs in my family , so I gave up coffee , tea and sodas . Because I don 't eat those foods and I never smoked , I had great looking white teeth - until recently . A month or so ago I started noticing a brown stain on my lower teeth . I thought , " Oh no ! What is the BTD doing to my teeth ? " A little detective work led to a simple solution , which I will share with you in case you face the same problem . I buy nuts from bulk bins in my health food store . Walnuts , pecans , and almonds are favorite snacks because they are filling and easy to carry anywhere in my purse . When I get near the bottom of a big bag of walnuts or pecans , there is a lot of dust mixed in with the nuts . Some comes from the shelling process , and some is little bits of the nuts themselves that flake off in the bags . When the dust starts to get in my way , I pour everything in the bag into a colander and let the dust fall into the sink . As I searched for the reason behind the stain on my teeth , I realized it looked just like the stain that the nut dust leaves in my sink . I had always thought whitening toothpaste was just a sales gimmick , but now I needed it . I found one that was made with baking soda and peroxide . I use it once a day . In addition I occasionally rinse my mouth with  ½ peroxide -  ½ water . The stain responded quickly , and is now barely visible . Since I brought up the nerve deafness , I will add that while eliminating caffeine has kept me from the aggravation of ear noise , I do have a noticeable hearing loss . It is a hope and a prayer that strict compliance to the Type O diet might slow or halt the deterioration of my hearing . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Ghee that 's good July 11th , 2004 , by admin Some of you have asked why I don 't use ghee instead of butter . The answer is that I do use my own version of ghee , but I call it butter because my family doesn 't want me embarrassing them by blurting out " Pass the ghee , " when we have company for dinner . Way back in the 70s health food advocates knew that margarine , with it 's hydrogenated oil , was bad for you , but the medical community was still pushing margarine over butter . I came across a recipe for a buttery spread using butter and safflower oil that was lower in saturated fat than butter , but no chemicals or hydrogenated fat like margarine . I made it for years . Often when the menu was planned for a gathering of family or friends , someone would say , " Have Suzanne bring homemade bread and that butter of hers . The BTD brought that to a screeching halt . Butter was a Type A avoid ; safflower oil was a Type O avoid . The first time I made ghee , I realized it was just the fancy melted butter that they serve with crab or lobster in seafood restaurants . But when I put it in the refrigerator , it turned hard as a rock . This was not a practical butter substitute . The second time I made ghee , I mixed it with olive oil the way I had in my old recipe . I got comments like , " Why is it a funny color ? " " It doesn 't taste the same , " and " What are those specks in it ? " It took several more tries , but I now have a recipe that spreads like margarine , tastes like melted butter , is easy to measure for recipes , and melts quickly on vegetables . I start with Dr . D ' Adamo 's instructions for making ghee . You can find them at this link , or put the word ghee in the search engine at the bottom of his column . http : / / www . dadamo . com / ask / ask2 . pl ? 20033602 . txtStrain the ghee into a container with a cover . I have a porcelain covered metal bowl with a plastic lid that works great . I 'm sure Tupperware or Glad Ware would also work . I strain with a metal strainer . A coffee filter or cheese cloth might even be better . Straining removes the blackened salt and milk solids . If your famJuly 9th , 2004 , by admin Today several families went out to eat lunch together to celebrate a victory at a swim meet . The restaurant is known for hamburgers , grilled chicken sandwiches and salads . Though I had never eaten there before , that choice was fine with me . I usually order a hamburger , discard the bun , and see what side order I can substitute for fries . However as I studied the menu there were no other side orders . That meant my lunch would just be a hamburger patty with one slice of tomato and a piece of lettuce . When it was my turn to order I thought , " It can 't hurt to ask . " So I said , " You have a grilled chicken salad on the menu . What I would really like is a salad with a hamburger patty . Can you do that ? " She thought a minute and said , " How about if I order you a small salad and a side hamburger patty ? " That fit into the parameters of her computer ordering system . It was fine with me . Following the BTD in a restaurant often isn 't easy . Some restaurants are more rigid than others . But it can 't hurt to ask . You might end up with a delicious lunch . It makes me think of Jesus ' words " You have not because you ask not . " I am convinced that God cares about all the decisions I make ; the small ones as well as the big ones . I don 't wait for a crisis to call on God . I am glad that He is active in the everyday affairs of my life . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Lab Report July 7th , 2004 , by admin I guess people don 't like to donate blood on Mondays . Our local blood bank sends a thank you letter to all who donate blood that includes blood type and cholesterol level . But if you donate blood on Monday they send you a complete Cholesterol Lipid Panel . Two or three times a year I donate blood , and I try to do it on Mondays . I have lab reports in the medical file going back to 1995 . I donated blood on June 16 , and my cholesterol panel arrived in the mail today . Drum roll please . With the exception of one report in 1996 , this is the best cholesterol report on file ! ! Total cholesterol - 193Triglycerides - 44HDL - 82LDL - 102Ratio - 2 . 3Remember - These numbers are after a year of eating hearty servings of beef or lamb daily . These numbers are after a year of generously putting butter and olive oil on my vegetables . These numbers are after a year of ( almost ) no wheat . There could be a subjective element to the fact that my stomach feels better on the Type O Diet or that I have more energy . But a lab report is totally objective . No question the Type O Diet is right for me ! July 6th , 2004 , by admin I often write about seasoned salt because I use a lot of it . Today , for instance , my daughter is at a luncheon for honor roll students and both my husband and son are at work . I put lamb , raw spinach , cooked okra , and cooked onions in a bowl . I topped it with olive oil and seasoned salt . With carrot sticks on the side it made a tasty lunch . Before the Blood Type Diet , I had four standby seasoned salts . After comparing the labels to the " Food Beverage and Supplement Lists " two of them had to go . I had used Spike for years , but it had multiple avoids for both Type As and Type Os . A fajita seasoning also had to go . I was inspired by Heidi and decided to make my own . I filled a shaker jar half full of salt . Then I added chili powder , cumin , and cayenne until it tasted good to me . I use it on fish , meat , and salads . It is an avoid for Type A . Lawry 's Seasoned Salt has been a favorite since I was a child . It contains sugar ( WHY do they put sugar in seasoned salt ? ) and the 7th of 11 ingredients is cornstarch . I use it on chicken . It is fine for the As , and I 'm hoping the amount of cornstarch that actually winds up in a serving is negligible for Os . Tony Chachere 's Creole Seasoning , I was relieved to find , is fine for Type O . I try to keep it away from my husband , but he really likes it in spite of the Type A avoids . I put it on fish and salads . I had never used much curry powder until I read that it was beneficial . When I toss leftover vegetables and meat together for lunch , I often top them with olive oil and a mix of curry powder and salt . My husband will eat unfamiliar grains if they are seasoned with curry . Jim wrote in a blog how much he liked Herbamare . I needed something to replace Spike , so I looked for Herbamare in the store . The ingredients look great for As , but the # 3 ingredient is leek ( avoid for Os ) . Before I had time to get disappointed I noticed another seasoned salt by the same company called Trocomare . Its ingredients are great for Os , but avoids for As . So , I bought both . I had Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Don 't send a man for ice cream July 5th , 2004 , by admin Last night we went to a fireworks show . The weather was perfect . We set up lawn chairs on a grassy hill and had a picnic with friends while we waited for the sun to go down . Peanut butter sandwiches on sprouted bread for my husband and daughter . Zucchini and lamb in Tupperware for me . The fire works were wonderful . We ooohed at the new style that looked like a string of Christmas lights and ahhhed at the giant bursts that seemed to fill the sky . After the finale , my husband suggested we all go out for ice cream . That would work for me . They have several flavors of ices which , while loaded with sugar , don 't contain avoids . We arrived at the ice cream parlor moments after they closed for the night . Before disappointment could set in , our friends said , " Let 's get ice cream at the store and go to our house . " Great idea ! Then the discussion began about what flavor . Chocolate was definitely carrying the day . My husband remembered me and said , " What can you eat ? " I said to go ahead with chocolate , but to buy a small container of sorbet for me . He wasn 't sure what sorbet was , so I said look near the ice cream , it 's made with fruit . The men went to the store ; the women and teenagers went to the house . Soon the men were back with a half gallon of chocolate and a half gallon of pineapple ice cream . My husband was beaming . Ice cream was on sale , buy one get one free . And he had found pineapple which he remembered was beneficial . My daughter and I made eye contact . She knew ice cream was an avoid for us both . Quick decision - do we criticize in front for friends or are we thankful that he tried to buy the right thing ? We smile . We have a small bowl of pineapple ice cream . To borrow from 1 Peter , Love covers a multitude of lectins . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Thirty - two 50s and Asian market July 4th , 2004 , by admin Swimming has been wonderful ! The sun is back out , but the water is still cool from two weeks of rain . One night when I climbed out of the water the guards asked , " How far did you swim , Mrs . Graham ? " " Thirty - two 50s , " I answered . " If you had done three more you would have had a mile , " said the guard . " Wait a minute , " I said . " Thirty - two 50s is 1600 , and that IS a mile . " " 1600 meters is a mile , " said the guard , " our pool is 50 yards long . You were 160 yards short . " So , now I have a new goal - thirty - six 50s . Ever since Rachel blogged about sushi nori , I have wanted to try it . I 've also been looking at recipes beneficial for Type A , and have found miso often listed as an ingredient . I decided it was time to see if there was an Asian market nearby . The first thing I noticed was freezer after freezer of fish . I will have to go back with my " Food and Beverage " list and see if they have any of the beneficial fish I 've not found elsewhere . Sushi nori is 100 % roasted seaweed , a Type O beneficial . I filled it with tuna and black eyed peas . I guess I had expected either a soft texture like a wrap or a crunchy texture like a taco . It wasn 't either . It was very thin , but tough and hard to bite through . I liked the taste . I can 't remember eating a sandwich since last July , so it was great to hold it in my hand and eat it from one end to the other . Rachel , if you are laughing at me because I was supposed to do something to it to make it less tough before I ate it , please let me know . Last night was the best zucchini I 've ever fixed . I poured olive oil in a skillet , enough for a generous coating , but not a deep puddle . I added an ounce or two of water and four sliced zucchini . I sprinkled Italian seasoning generously over it all . As soon as it started to bubble , I turned the heat back and let it cook slowly . Posted in Earlier Blogs | Send feedback » < - LEAVE A COMMENT ! Simple and inexpensive diet July 2nd , 2004 , by admin This blog got its start with a comment from Luis . He is Type O , a little older than my son , living alone , weight training , and trying to make the Blood Type Diet work . He said two things that caught my interest because my son will be facing the same challenges when he goes back to college in the fall . Luis wrote , " What kind of recipes would you recommend ; do you know any quick ones ? " and " I also find it very expensive to eat right . I know it helps in the end but ruins my budget . " I know there are others trying to make the Blood Type Diet work in a simple and inexpensive way . Here is my answer to Luis , a little better organized and with a few additions . I plan to print a copy for my son and put it in the box with his skillet and silverware . The easiest way to shop and cook is to emphasize single meats , fruits , and vegetables , minimally processed , the way God made them . I roast or bake lamb , cod , beef , salmon etc . They are delicious just with seasoned salt . I get fresh salmon , but cod is almost always frozen . Leg of lamb , brisket , and eye of round roast are economical . When I roast beef or lamb I set the oven temperature at 425 F . for about 30 minutes , then I turn it back to 325 and let the meat cook until a meat thermometer says it is medium well . When I buy ground beef I go for 90 % lean 10 % fat . That seems like a good balance between price and quality . Ground beef patties or ground beef sprinkled over vegetables are both good . Canned tuna , salmon and sardines are quick , inexpensive meats . Eggs are good for any meal . I steam a lot of vegetables ( broccoli , parsnips , asparagus ) and eat them with olive oil or butter and salt . I bake sweet potatoes . My son and I find them very filling and cheap . I can find collard greens , turnip greens and spinach in the frozen food section at my grocery store . They are inexpensive and easy to fix with just a little water and butter . Black eyed peas , English peas , and okra are also available frozen . Fresh squash is good and inexpensive . Zucchini and yellow squJuly 1st , 2004 , by admin Last week I was all excited about a gluten free bread book . Yesterday I started to bake bread , and found that I could not use the recipes in the book - too many A and O avoids . To get her breads to rise without gluten , the author uses such things as garbanzo bean flour ( Type A avoid ) , whey ( A & O avoid ) , potato flour ( A & O avoid ) , and gelatin ( Type A avoid ) . The purpose of the bread project is to find bread beneficial for my As . The book was not a total waste of time . In the introduction it says when bread starts to rise then sinks in the middle it means too much water . It suggests using an egg to add spring . My spelt - kamut - rye bread was better yesterday using some of the author 's suggestions . When it is really good , I 'll post my recipe . In the meantime , the gluten free bread book will get swapped for another used book at Half Price Books . I read a novel yesterday by an author I have enjoyed . It was advertised as a love story , and is soon to be released as a movie . The theme turned out to be that the love of your youth can give life meaning when you are facing cancer , heart disease , stroke , Alzheimer 's , and arthritis in a nursing home . It left me feeling bummed out . I am not naà ¯ ve enough to think that eating right will prevent aging ; indeed my world view assures me that death and dying are inevitable on this earth . I do however hope that the effort I put into nutrition and exercise will give me a better quality of life than the misery described in the book . While I love my husband dearly , we would agree that at the end of lives we hope to see more purpose than just our love for each other . Following two disappointing books , I needed something uplifting . I found it in a quote from Corrie ten Boom . If you are not familiar with her , she survived a Nazi death camp . She said , " If you look at the world , you 'll be distressed . If you look within , you 'll be depressed . But if you look at Christ , you 'll be at rest ! " XML FeedsRSS 2 . 0 : Posts , CommentsAtom : Posts , CommentsWhat is RSS ? © 2017 by Suzanne Graham | Bloggers on this site are expressing their own views and opinions and are solely responsible for them . These views and opinions may not coincide with other bloggers , Dr D ' Adamo or the forum moderator team , and are not specifically endorsed by them or by this site . Bloggers may allow diverse commentary to be displayed with their blogs including those in disagreement with the author , however it is the discretion of each individual blogger whether to allow such comments and how to moderate them if they are allowed . We do not guarantee that comments will be posted or that they will be representative . All blog contents including misstatements , errata or other items that may require later clarification or correction are also the sole responsibility of the blogger . 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I 'm working on Christmas cards and I 've realized I don 't have many of your addresses . If you are interested in getting a card , please email me your mailing address . My email is cassandra _ dee01 @ hotmail . com Hopefully I can get these done soon and FINALLY get Thanksgiving posted ; ) Hope you are all having a great Christmas season . Here ya go Stacie ; ) 8 TV shows I watch ( With sports and kid shows on daily , I seldom watch " my " shows , but these are the ones I like : ) 1 . Dancing with the Stars2 . Grey 's Anatomy ( although they have a " new " couple this season that totally sickens me , so trying to not watch it anymore ) 3 . So You Think you Can Dance4 . American Idol5 . 10 years younger6 . Justin 's trying to get me into the Mentalist7 . John and Kate plus 88 . The Office8 Things I remember about yesterday . 1 . I prepared my talk for church2 . My house was clean3 . Both my kids took a nap . 4 . I got a short nap too . 5 . We went to the EA basketball game6 . Kids were spoiled with popcorn and soda7 . Kaybri had a seizure on the way home ( short and came out of it good ) 8 . Justin and I watched a movie8 Places I like to eat1 . Carrabbas2 . Panda Express3 . Chick - fil - A4 . La Casita / Casa Manana5 . Cracker Barrel6 . Cafe Rio7 . PF Changs / Pei Wei8 . my mom 's home cooked meals8 things I look forward to1 . Thanksgiving and all the yummy food and good company2 . Getting to visit family3 . Justin 's days off4 . Christmas , my most favorite holiday and time of year5 . Waking up everyday and seeing my kids laugh and be happy6 . summer vacations7 . being totally moved in , decorations up , etc . 8 . the temple being built in our area8 things on my wish list1 . For Justin and I to live a long , healthy , happy life , and die at the same time2 . To travel the world3 . For Kaybri to get better4 . For my kids to grow up to have a testimony of the church , enjoy life , and be healthy5 . That our house in Utah would get rented , or sell would even be better6 . To be totally debt free and have lots in savings7 . For our food storage to be complete8 . That there was more shopping and fun things to go out and do in this small town - - ( which I love , but . . . you know , we need some more spice ! ) I TAG ANYONE who is bored and feels like doing this ! October was definitely the month for birthdays ! My mom , dad , and Jarom and Mel 's family came down one weekend and we decided to celebrate the birthdays for the month , which included Tristan , Paxton , me , and my dad . Let 's face it though , the party was all about Pax ! He turned 2 and he is the cutest , funnest little boy I know ! Some fun facts about him : * Total obsession with being with his dad lately . He wants to go everywhere Justin goes , and often begs me to take him to go see dad at work . * He loves trucks . He hates if he has to ride in a car if a truck is available . When he sees a truck he always says , " Daddy 's truck " or " Cowy 's ( uncle cory ) truck " , followed by a very dramatic " Vroom vrooom ! " This is also true for motorcycles , but followed with a " Tristan . . . vroom vroom " * He has become a little bit of a bully , although I think he might be improving some as of late . He was constantly hitting or pushing someone for awhile though . * Instead of walking or running , he gallops . * He loves his sister and thinks everything she does is super cool . * He learns new things everyday . The pronunciation of a lot of words still isn 't that clear , but he is trying to put words into sentences . * Some of my favorite words / sayings from him , " cool man ! " , " peace " , " i love you " , " hot dog " ( from Mickey Mouse ) , " where 's Kaybri " and " cuute " ( haha , I think we tell Kaybri that too much ) * Although he is all boy and rough and tough , he is pretty tender - hearted and can get his feelings hurt much more than what we 're used to with Kaybri . He gives great hugs that almost knock you over and kisses that usually HAVE to be on the lips . He is infatuated with babies , and has been for some time now , it 's a good thing Joni had a baby ! " I hold her " is another favorite line . I don 't know what was up with my camera that day , but almost all of the pictures I took turned out blurry . bummer ! Poor Lydi was traumatized that we were hitting Elmo , especially after he was decapitated . She kept saying , " Oh no , Elmo 's broken . " If you remember from last year , Paxton burned his finPosted by Mel , Steph , and I threw a baby shower for my sister , Joni . Here she is at 7 1 / 2 months along . Joni and the momsJoni and the sistersVince 's sister passed away , so everyone headed to Mesa to meet up to go to the funeral . Look at all those grandkids ! I think that 's everyone except April . I didn 't take too many pictures , I guess that 's enough for September . This is really embarrassing that I 'm so far behind I never finished posting about things that happened in August , but oh well , I couldn 't just pick up from where we are now and act like all this stuff didn 't happen . Kaybri started preschool again . She has the same teacher from last year and from the smile she has every time she gets on the bus , we assume she likes school . . . or at least the bus . We also had a Hatch cousin reunion . Almost everyone made it . We rented a cabin in Show Low and it was a blast ! Most of the kids stayed home , except babies and Kaybri ( she had a doctor appointment the next day in Phx ) . I can 't wait to do it again . Then we went to Animas to pick up our little Pax . He has had lots of Papa and Grammie time this year ; they have taken him several times for a week or so at a time . Hopefully when Kaybri 's seizures get more stable she can take a turn too . One of Paxton 's last night in a crib , he is now in a big boy bed . I guess Kaybri couldn 't sleep and needed to twirl someones hair : ) Posted by Sorry to leave everyone hanging after kinda a depressing post . We are all totally good , just super busy . We recently just moved . . . again . After a few scary encounters with the renters in front of our house and some major plumbing problems because of them , we pretty much had no choice but to move . We / I hadn 't anticipated staying in that apartment as long as we did , so there wasn 't any complaining ! Cory and Dawn let us stay with them for a couple of weeks until we found a place to rent . They have helped us out sooo much ; we owe them big . The beginning of November we were able to get into our new house , and we are loving it ! We went from pretty much a one bedroom to a 5 bedroom . We didn 't want that big of a place , but it totally fell into place . In the meantime we have been trying to get Justin 's dad 's house fixed , cleaned and rented while he helps us get our house in Utah rented . Thanks to a lot of family help we are getting settled . The last month or so we have discovered a new trial in our life that has brought on a whirlwind of emotions . I 'm sure this has a lot to do with my MIA in the blogger world , and although it might have been good therapy to write about , I needed some time to grieve and accept it before I let the whole world know . On August 25th Kaybri was diagnosed with Autism . It was our second appointment with the Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician and after a lot of paper work , tests , and observing they said she had high - functioning autism . At the end of the 1st appointment she said she didn 't think she was autistic , but then we came into the 2nd appointment and she started it by saying " If I was queen , and a child needed certain programs to progress , I would just give them to the child . But in the state of Arizona , you have to be diagnosed with something . Kaybri will get some help because she has seizures , but if she had autism she would get every program , so it really would be good if that was the case . " You could tell during the observation and the questioning that the doctor already had her mind made up , and after scoring the CARS test , she tested at 31 ( in order to be considered autistic you have to have above a 30 ) . I immediately started crying and was mad because she could 've easily said she was borderline and not diagnosed her as autistic , but then I realized she really was trying to help and this was the only way Kaybri was going to get the help she needed . She said with Kaybri being high - functioning ( or mild autism ) that she probably would respond well to all the therapies . We had scheduled the appointments several months in advance , and throughout the whole summer I would think about the up and coming appointments and just would get a sick feeling . I knew she had some autistic characteristics , but we ( and doctors ) thought since she didn 't have many characteristics and not the " defining " autistic traits that it was probably related to her meds or damage from all the seizures . The more I thought it about it though , Posted by Kaybri loves to sit by me and watch me put on my makeup . She will usually ask me to do her " eyes " and I will pretend like I 'm putting makeup on her , or I will give her a blush or eyeshadow brush ( with nothing on it ) and she can do her own . I used to be able to leave my makeup bag out on top of the vanity or at least put it underneath the bench and the kids would leave it alone . However , Kaybri has developed a little obsession with putting the makeup on and too many times I 've discovered her playing in it . She often will have eyeshadow across her cheeks and eyes and mascara not only on her eyelashes , but above and below as well . I only use waterproof mascara , and that does not come off so well , so there were a few days where she walked around with black eyes . Yes , I have learned my lesson and my makeup goes up high on a shelf now . . . . along with everything else they aren 't supposed to touch ( I probably could use a few more shelves ) . Also , anytime Kaybri gets a pen she will often start trying to put it on her eye like eyeliner , and I 've noticed when she 's come home from preschool she has had a little bit of the watercolor paints on her eyes . . . she must have thought that was makeup too . We never paint at our house ( I guess I need to ) so I 'm sure when she saw the paint brush she thought it was for makeup , I wonder what her teacher thought . I did say I learned my lesson , but my kids are pretty sneaky . They will come up behind me and snitch it out of my bag when I 'm putting my makeup on . They must know it irritates me and makes me mad , because they try to do it all the time . Paxton has even learned how to use mascara ! And no , I never pretended to put it on him . He just wanted to be like mom and sister . Actually nothing very serious , but it sure seems like the last few weeks ( or months ) have flown by . It is just go , go , go all the time . A few weeks ago we celebrated the 24th . Both Lamar and Britni 's family came down to visit , and we had a blast hanging out with lots of family . We went to the mountains , parade , bbq , and we even stayed for the fireworks . . . . despite the never - ending rain . Paxton and Uncle Tristan are BUDS ! Cute cousin Lizzie with Kaybri and Justin Pax , LeiLani and Tiley Fun times on the tramp Britni and Myli . . . they are so prettySome of the Echols cousinsThe next week Kaybri had a seizure while visiting the cousins . It was only a little over a month since her last one , but apparently she had a good reason for it . She seemed a little warm when we first got to Cory and Dawn 's , but I thought it was just because it 's so dang hot outside . But no , she had spiked a fever , which sent her into a seizure . Luckily it wasn 't too bad though and only lasted a few minutes . She ran a fever for 5 days and that was her only seizure , what a blessing ! We 're still not sure what she had , it never got passed on to the rest of us . Another blessing . And then the last weekend we went out of town to Mesa for neurology appointments . Kaybri had a " one bang " MRI taken of her brain . This is a MRI that is supposed to only take 5 - 10 minutes , so they don 't have to sedate them . They only needed a picture or 2 to make sure the bleed they found last time was clearing up , and since she 's had a lot of CT scans lately , this would be a great alternative so she didn 't have to be exposed to more radiation . However , it was an absolute nightmare trying to get it done . Poor Kaybri was traumatized . First they taped ear plugs over her ears , then made her a burrito in a blanket , then strapped her down on this narrow table that went up / down and in / out of a big doughnut looking thing , taped her head down between 2 board things , and then they had Justin lay down on top of her and hold her head straight . She screamed and screamed and screamed . . . . for a goPosted by Yep , we CUT Kaybri 's hair off ! I 've been thinking about it for awhile , but I always seem to get talked out of it . Then I asked Justin a couple days ago if he would be mad / sad , and at first he said yes , but after I told him my reasons he agreed . Kaybri has a lot of fine , whispy hair around the frame of her face and I though it would help even things out a bit . I also thought it might help her hair thicken up ( or at least look that way ) . Her hair seemed to be getting more curl to it and so by the end of the day her long hair was looking a little scraggly . Anyway , I asked Aunt JoJo to come over and chop it off yesterday . She cut about 4 - 5 inches off ! It barely touches her shoulders now , and it looks sooo cute ! When Kaybri saw her hair falling on the floor she kept reaching up to run her hand through her hair . Her daddy was also a little bit surprised when he first saw her after work . He didn 't know I was serious I guess or that it would be done so soon , but he loves it ! And of course I documented nearly every snip . So here 's the play - by - play ! ! Before : The Cut : After : Thanks Joni , you did great ! I know it 's hard , but try not to stare at her unbrushed teeth ! I think she likes her new hairdo though , what do you think ? My cute cousin , Clayton , is going on a mission to the Philippians . Last weekend he went through the temple in Mesa and there was lots of family there to support him . He is a great young man and we are so proud of him . Below is a picture of his family . We stayed with Lamar 's family ( Justin 's brother ) . . . which I have no pictures of ? ? I never remember to get out my camera unless I see someone else taking pictures . But we did have a fun time hanging out and playing games with them , and it worked out perfectly because they live super close to my Uncle Dale 's house . All of my cousins and family got together one night at my uncles to have a BBQ and swim . Kaybri loves , loves animals , and they have a parrot and a little pomeranian sp ? dog , so she was in heaven . She chased poor Emmy around everywhere . We also got to see my new adorable nephew , Jackson . This is Jarom and Mel 's new addition , born June 30th . He is so precious and fun to hold and look at . My kids also love babies . However , they tend to smother , squeeze , and kiss a little too hard . This is especially true for Pax . He cries because he wants to see / touch babies , but he just doesn 't know his own strength ! He thinks and says " soft " , but in no way is it even close . Posted by Pax is back ! My mom and dad came to celebrate the 4th with us and brought him back . He was so excited to see Kaybri and daddy , but took a little while to want to go to me . He kept wanting Grammie ! What is up with that ? ! Anyway , the boys went golfing early in the morning , and since we knew we would be spending the most of the day out in the sun , we decided to skip the parades this year . We had an excellent bbq that Stacie and Dave made , with lots of good company . It was a mini Animas reunion , so fun to catch up with old friends . I wish I would 've taken some pictures ! Later that afternoon we let the kids play in their little pool over at Aunt JoJo 's . Yes , my kids have swim suits , but they got left at our house . Paxton had a good time waving the hose around , and Kaybri had a good drink lapping up the water like a dog . A little after 8 we headed out to go see the fireworks . On our way there , we saw a couple fireworks go off . We thought we were going to be early , but nope they had already started . I turned around to show Kaybri and Paxton the fireworks and noticed they had totally crashed out . So we ended up stopping on the side of the road and watching the fireworks from there . Overall , it was a fun but exhausting day ! Posted by

Looking back , I realized that the 4th of July is actually a pretty significant holiday in my adult life . I mean , in my head I think it should be a lazy holiday filled with just barbecues and fireworks , but there 's been a lot of stuff that has happened around this holiday . This includes : attending the wedding of my ex - boyfriend 's dad ( yeah - I am that girl who the family will always go " whatever happened to her ? " when they dig out the wedding photos ) ; multiple summers face - painting at the local Independence Day festival ; my late boyfriend helped me move me into my current apartment ( and I actually got prove to him my ability to problem solve by getting my futon in the door through one piece instead of taking it apart like he wanted to do ) ; bonding with my mom on the Issac H . Evans windjammer cruise ( best vacation EVAH ! ! ! Seriously , if you like boats you gotta check out the Evans ) ; and to top it all off I spent last year on painkillers for my broken ankle . So as I mentioned in a previous post , I started jogging after the broken ankle in order to make it stronger . One thing that I have found out is that I am someone who really needs music out on my runs . I know a lot of people discourage it due to safety concerns , but you just have to compensate by being more vigilant visually . I just think that the music helps me set a pace both with my feet and with my breath . This is especially important with my breathing seeing as I am an asthmatic ( this is also why I don 't like running in groups because while some people want you to tell your whole life story while you are trying your best just to breath ) . I try to rotate my song lists every once in awhile so I thought I would post what my current summer running playlist includes . Here we go . . . So this weekend was kind of media heavy as you can see . I saw " The Heat " with my mom , Read " Sweet Valley Confidential : The Sweet Life " , and saw " Much Ado About Nothing " by myself . So let 's get on with these reviews ! This female buddy - cop movie combines Writer / Director Paul Feig and Actress Melissa McCarthy of last summer 's big hit " Bridesmaids " with " Miss Congeniality " Sandra Bullock . My mom was the person who suggested we see it ( I wanted Much Ado ) , but I had seen the ads and it looked funny so I readily agreed . Once again Feig has really done a great job with creating a comedy movie anchored by women . There are a bunch of funny men in this movie ( Marlon Wayans , Michael Rappaport , Taran Killam , Nathan Corrdry ) but the comedy firmly rests with the ladies . He 's also done a great job not just repeating what he did with Bridesmaid . While both movies have a physical comedy element , the sense of humor is just very different ( fowl mouthed fish out of water vs . women potty humor ) . If anything was weak about the movie it was the main mystery . There were a bit too many beats to the mystery and I kinda figured out the mystery villian before we got to the end ) . McCarthy and Bullock were excellent and show why they are some of the best comedic actors out there , male or female . One last note , I think this movie is going to do really well - however I do think it is skewing to a much older audience than Bridesmaid did . There were a lot more people my mom 's age in the theater than mine . Definitely see this movie , but I will say that it may be ok saving it for video release . So I wrote up a long review on Goodreads for this book , but I will try to do something shorter for here . This book was extremely frustrating . I picked it up for nostalgic purposes and quickly realized why I abandoned the Wakefield Twins and Sweet Valley for Elizabeth Bennet and Dagny Taggert ( from Pride & Prejudice / Atlas Shrugged respectively ) . While it 's kind of expected to make really dumb , self - destructive decisions in high school , the amount of insane decisions made by characters in this book ( set a good 15 - 20 years after the high school series ) was crazy . I think I was most disappointed with Elizabeth Wakefield who I thought made the worst decisions out of anybody and was totally surprised when things didn 't turn out as she expected . I wanted to hit her on the backside of the head and say " Duh ! " This book is really left best on the shelf . I can still remember when my tenth grade English teacher showed us the Kenneth Branaugh version of this Shakespeare play . We were the first class she showed it too and she was caught unawares by that initial scene where all the men returning from war strip down to nothing and jump into the outdoor public baths . Here mouth fell wide open and she tried to block the screen with her body ( which was kinda hard because it was on one of those really tall tv carts where the television was setting higher than her head ) . Why am I telling you this ? Because it was a pretty damn funny moment , and also to let you know that movie left a lasting impression upon me ( overall , not just that scene ) . Much Ado About Nothing was really the first piece of Shakespeare that I could understand , and for that reason the play has a special place in my heart ( I was that girl who used " Hey Nonny Nonny " as her Senior yearbook quote ) . I also really love Joss Whedon . I will follow that man most places ( I wasn 't the biggest fan of Dollhouse ) . Anyways - it was clear in his Buffy days that Joss had as fantastic grasp on Shakespeare as do most Shakespearean actors . I mean look at Buffy - most of her comedies had a tragic twist and her tragedies had a comedic edge to them . If anyone could do a modern day adaptation of Much Ado justice , it would be Joss . While Branaugh 's version stays in the light ( most scenes are shot in the delicious Italian sun , women frolic in white linen dresses and the men ham it up ) , Joss 's version has a very film noir ( or at the very least tawdry ) edge to it that really highlights the seediness of the play . For example , when the Prince informs Claudio that he has indeed wooed fair Hero in Claudio 's name , Joss has set the scene in the kitchen the morning after the party - with empty and half filled liquour bottles scattered across the kitchen island and Leonato hungover and half - way to passed out . That scene in Branaugh 's play felt like everybody went home , got 8 hours of sleep , and then went out for brunch . There is a gritty and sexy realness to this version of the play . I 'm not sure I could have appreciated it back in tenth grade . I highly recommend it . So I have recently started writing reviews on Goodreads for the books I read . After showing my mom one of my reviews her comment was " That 's a freaking book report " . This made me realize that I am writing these reviews a lot like a blog entry - so I 've decided that I 'm going to start posting my book reviews up on the blog here . Here 's the first one . The Beekeeper 's Apprentice is the first book in Laurie R . King 's Mary Russell detective series . I had never heard of this series before someone selected it for their book club choice , but when I mentioned it to my mom ( an avid mystery reader ) she gushed about how good it was . That set the expectations pretty high for me , which I am happy to say they delivered . The basic premise : Fifteen year - old Mary Russell is sent to live with her wicked Aunt after a car accident orphans here . One day she encounters the now retired Sherlock Holmes , who after immediately noticing her intelligence , instinct , tenacity , and spunkiness , decides that he will train her in detecting . This book takes the reader through the first 4 - 5 years of their relationship , culminating in a big mystery that could destroy them . ( Cue ominous music here ) So what is so great about this book you may ask . . . Well , to start with - King has done an awesome job writing Sherlock Holmes . It had to be hard because I think most people already have a preconceived notion of who Sherlock Holmes is - a pompous , smart - ass , eccentric who just always gets it right . But King has really figured out what makes Holmes tick and brings those characteristics out while also acknowledging that Holmes has probably evolved since the end of Sir Conan Doyle 's stories . There is a vulnerability and ( dare I say ) sexiness to Holmes ( in a Rupert Giles kind of way ) that I didn 't expect , but feels right . Of course this book is really about Mary Russell , and I dare say that Russell easily falls into my favorite spunky heroines ( along with Buffy Summers and Veronica Mars ) . She 's very smart and intuitive , but she has her flaws as well ( can we say she is just a wee bit stubborn - a must for spunky heroines ) . Most importantly , her relationship with Holmes is totally natural . The dialog ( as well as non - speaking dialog ) between them really sparkles . It 's easy to see how their relationship evolves throughout the book . King has done an excellent job of creating this new character of Mary Russell and fitting her in the world of Sherlock Holmes alongside its other iconic characters including Watson , Mycroft , Mrs . Hudson , and even sinister Moriarty . The other thing I really admired about this book was the structure . As I mentioned , this book covered several years . Because it covers so much time , there are several small mysteries or plots woven throughout the book , but in the end they all tie together . In many ways it reminded me ( once again ) of the show Veronica Mars . Everything has a place and you may not see how it all connects when you first see it , but you will in the end . So of the things I want to share with you that happened last year , the most significant thing that happened to me was that I broke my ankle . That picture you are looking at is the x - ray of my ankle . I think I took this picture at one of my final visits so it was mostly healed at that point , but you can see where it was . It 's that straight line toward the bottom tip of the right leg bone . Altogether , it took about 6 weeks to heal wearing one of those huge black boots . That was 6 weeks of just lumbering around everywhere , barely making it across crosswalks before the lights changed . I was so glad when I finally got to stop wearing it . The one thing that I didn 't anticipate was that my ankle was going to continue to hurt after it healed . In fact , it hurt more than when I broke it . For a couple of weeks I just let it hurt , taking pain reliever when the pain got real bad , and in general just limped around . Then one day I just thought to myself that maybe the ankle is just weak and maybe what I need to do is to strengthen it up . I didn 't really know how to do that other than using it , so I started to go walking . Quick back track - just prior to breaking my ankle , I had kinda started jogging . I say kinda because 1 ) it was a combination of walking and jogging and 2 ) my jogging was slower than some people 's fast walking . Obviously that had to stop when I broke my ankle . Back to healed ankle - after about two weeks of walking , my ankle began to feel better . I no longer had to limp , and as I continued my walks I found that I started going faster . I eventually began to incorporate small intervals of jogging . It felt really good . It 's been a while since I last wrote here . The last entries were about the DC earthquake and Hurricane Irene - events that occurred in the summer of 2011 . That 's one and a half years ago , although it feels like a lifetime ago . So why did I stop blogging ? To be honest - I don 't exactly remember . Reading back on my entries I have a couple of theories : 1 ) I was in a really dark place but really didn 't want to share that really dark place 2 ) Not a lot of " significant " events were happening and I felt like life was too boring to blog about . Next question : Why am I starting again ? I 'm not too clear on that other than I feel like I need to be putting sometime out there . What that something is - I don 't know . This is going to be more of a creative exercise now rather than a therapeutic one . This means that I 'm not going to even try to rehash every little thing that happened in the past year . That 's too much . But I will probably share what is still relevant as well as talk about other things . I think I 'll leave this entry on this note , but I promise to be back soon . Now I know that Irene was a beyatch of a storm . I spent a lot of Saturday watching the weather channel , yelling at the weather man to get out of the wave of the giant waves and praying that I wasn 't going to witness someone bite it from a flying hunk of debris on national television . I have a friend who lives near the beach in Conneticut and posted on facebook that they had to evacuate further inland . I 'm praying that they and their house comes through this unscathed - the pictures from Long Beach are terrifying ( did you see the lifeguard headquarters be swept away from its base with Al Roker looking on ? ) . And it 's really sad that 10 people have died , although I 'm kinda surprised that it 's not more considering the frat boys who decided to go streaking the news when the hurricane hit VA Beach . Saturday morning I helped my friend secure the furniture out back because last thing I wanted was a patio table going through my window . I actually managed to use my bike lock to attach my take to the patio . After that I went with her family to Second Watch for breakfast . As we headed back home , the rain started . At that point I glued myself to the weather channel and monitored Irene 's progress up the coast . Occassionally I would go out and check to see how conditions here changed , but it stayed pretty much the same - rain and little wind . Around dinner time , I cooked up some pasta and tossed it with garlicm , olive oil , parmesan cheese , and fresh parsley that I had to go outside for a pick from one of my plants ( my herbs were all moved to the patio to avoid the wind ) . The electricity flickered on and off a couple of times during the day , but it never stayed off longer than a few seconds . We did end up with a longer black out period later in the evening - around 11pm , but at that point I just switched off the light switches so that if the power came back on while I slept it would not wake me . If anything exciting actually happened around here , I missed it - and I 'm pretty sure that I am ok with it . I will confess that I was a little confused when I was woken up by the kids running upstairs and I looked at my clock and it read 2 : 30 am because kids shouldn 't really be running around at that hour - it took me a minute to figure out to look at the time on my iPod , which said that it was actually 7 : 30 am . If you haven 't heard this week , we had an earthquake this week in DC . Well , technically it was centered something like 80 miles away from DC , but we felt it . Everybody has their own story about it . Every where you go you hear somebody ask someone , " Where were you ? " Well , my story is that I was caught in the bathroom after lunch . I could say that I was caught with my pants down , except I was wearing a skirt . I wsa just about to flush the toilet when I noticed that all the water was vibrating , and then suddenly the toilet was vibrating , and then I was vibrating . My first thought was " Oh god , we 've been attacked - but hopefully it 's just an earthquake . " My second thought was " Is it safe to flush the toilet " ( It 's the polite thing to do ) . After the shaking stopped , I quickly rinsed my hands before heading out , where I was immediately commanded to evacuate . So just a few days later , we are waiting for Hurricane Irene to hit . At first I was highly skeptical that it was going to hit us , but each day as it moves closer I become less and less convinced . So today I went to target to stock up on goods . I grabbed batteries and a head lamp , a radio that can use batteries , canned food and other things that don 't really need heating ( although even if the power goes out in my house , I could still cook because we have gas appliances . ) I also got some non - essential but nice to have things like diet coke , pop tarts , and gum . I already have a case of water , but figure that if needed to I can boil water and then send it through the brita filter if need be ( we have regular plumbing and not a well - so i think flowing water won 't be too much of an issue - clean water maybe , but actually flowing no ) . Shortly after Chris died I joined Weight Watchers . I think 1 ) I was doing it as tribute to him because our plan was to try to lose weight after the new year and 2 ) I was too freaked that I was going to die like him if I didn 't do it . And of course looking back , I realized that there was 3 ) I needed something to control . Yes , Weight Watchers for me became my focal point and for awhile I was REALLY focused on my food and what I was putting in me and not really dealing with the emotions that were going on within me . I mean , during that first year on the program - I was the wickedest food tracker ever . While I think it may have been a good thing to do , I 'm not sure if it was the right thing to do at that time because when the emotions finally hit , they hit hard and everything else went out the window . Anyways - I have been on WW ever since and I have had periods of minor success , but for the most part I 've been at the same weight . And things have changed in that they cancelled the meetings I used to love so I had to find a new meeting on Saturday and then I got really sick and I started needing my Saturdays for sleep . I 'm currently doing the at work program , and while it is great having the support of my colleagues , I don 't like my leader and frankly I feel like I 've been here , done that . I mean how many times can I hear how to change a 10 point hot dog into a 3 point hot dog . The other thing I 've noticed is that all this talk about substituting one thing for another has really turned me off food . I know that the program has been revamped to get us thinking about fresh food and stuff , but the more I did the program , the easier I found it to just eat the same thing day after day because I didn 't have to recalculate points or I ate processed stuff that had the points already printed on them . I was not enjoying what I ate and so I found that I was eating more . So I have decided to take a break from the dieting . I 'm not going to negatize my food . If I want to have something with butter in it - I 'm going to have the butter . I 'm going to drink whole milk because I feel fuller on whole milk . And I am going to recover my love of food and cooking . Of course to offset this I will need to increase my activity - but that 's why I have my bike ( which also gets me closer to natural things like deer and bunnies - which is good for your soul in totally different ways ) . But I will let you know , that if you want to follow my food adventures - you can go to http : / / kitchenvixens . blogspot . com / . In addition to more regularly blogging here , I am going to do a better job at that blog too . However , everything at that blog will be food related . Posted by My mom was in town because we were going to go on vacation . She has a mini - van so usually if I need to do something that involves hauling stuff , I save it for when she is in town . Anyways - so one thing that I have been moaning about is that my bike had been broken . Now , the think about the bike is that this is the bike that my parents bought me when I was young . In my mind I was 11 , but my mom insists it was more like 8 . Either way - considering that I am now in my 30 's , that bike is old . When it was manufactured bikes weren 't made to remove tires easily or with shock absorbers or a bunch of other stuff . Anyways , a couple of years ago Chris and I were talking about it and I said that I wanted to get it fixed up and start riding again and he mocked me saying that it was too old and I should just get a new one . So I took that as a challenge , had my mom take me to the bike shop and got it fixed up . Problem was that mom left before I could get it back , so Chris and I picked it up and to get it home we had to pop a tire off the bike - but like I said , this bike was not made to do that . Chris promised to fix it but never got around to it . I tried and got to ride it a few times , but always ended up with the tire falling off in the middle of the ride or the handle bars rotating in their socket . It wasn 't safe . So no more riding . Anyways - when my mom came up this trip she suggested that I buy a new bike . I kinda hee 'd and hawed , but after she told me she saw a sale at the local bike shop I agreed . So now I have a new bike . It 's a red . It has tires that are meant to come off if need to but stay in when riding , has tweed on its handle bars . I 've named it Merry Cherry . I 've ridden it a couple of times and what I can say is 1 ) I am totally out of shape and 2 ) it is so much fun . As the weather mellows out , I hope to take it out more . I may even take it out tonight . I 'm hoping to build up my stamina so I can go further and further , and eventually hope to get a bike rack so I can take it to other places to ride . I 'm thinking of ending this blog . Whenever I try to start a post , I somehow begin to think about Chris and it goes into this really dark place . While it 's nice to get those kind of things off my chest - I 'm a little worried that it holds me back . So right now I am on a holding pattern and I will let you know what I decide to do .

Puff is a boy . We took her to the vet - well Jim did - this a . m . and indeed what was once cradled , cuddled and cooed as a girl was revealed to be a boy , making all of her / his behaviours now quite understandable . Talk about mistaken identity . Poor little thing ! It 's very awesome though , cause he 's able to come home this afternoon . No wonder he and Boobadee were having problems . I 'm home and reflecting on all of the kindnesses shown to me over the past days , and all of the work of course . I used up a lot of " emergy " , but I believe it has come back to me two - fold . My thoughts are too scattered to continue . More before I leave for Halifax . Peace to you all today in the midst of your lives . Write your soul story ! Emma Lee We started early again today , with our final Taize - style worship at the Chapel . Okay - the heat was on . We needed it today , but had to open the doors to allow for air circulation and funnily enough nature just came right in to be with us . Nature 's sounds , for me , filled the silences between the verses and sat with me during prayer . My drum was then unpacked and taken to the drumming circle , which included just enough drummers , a tambourine , and some different patterns to follow , relaxing and smiling . A lovely setting of Exodus was our soundtrack and voices were raised without accompaniment nor pitch - but we did great . The future quilt pieces were delivered as part of the large past , present and future patchwork quilt that is being assembled . Amazing . I will post pictures once they are on the website . Then rest . This afternoon we will have an hour long choir practice for tomorrow 's service . Bonnie , my friend , is being ordained . Karen is coming up for the rehearsal today . Trinity Jims are here , and gals that came from Amherst for the Julian service gave me an amazing prayer shawl and card . I 'm soaking it all up . I am so happy I am here , where fear is overcome . And rest . We are singing an awesome Anthem called Give Us Your Peace . Couple of little tricky parts to keep us on our toes . It will be an amazing music team tomorrow : our team of Lloyd , Gwen , Kirby and me , The Message , and about 50 or so basses , tenors , altos and sopranos , and we will do the full From Now On as the final hymn , and then sing the assembly out ( 1000 ? ) to the final refrain of From Now On - From Now On , love 's the gospel that still guides us ; From Now On - trust with faith the truth will find us ; From Now On , the bright light of hope ( my hope ) shows God still knows the way . So how can we go wrong ? From Now On . I have a feeling that song is going to be accompanying me into a few treatment rooms over the coming weeks . I have another song I 'm going to work on with Karen , maybe starting Monday afternoon - see how tired I am . No need to rush . My Mary willPosted by Winds - not breezes ! I would almost say in the early , early morning , the winds of God . At least that is how I felt . So many questions swirling . We made the trip in record time yesterday , following a bunch of friendly and happy goodbyes with Honey . I did take some shots and will post next week . I miss her but this is all for the very best for all of us . I 'm trying not to think about it really . The sun came out as we crossed the New Brunswick border ! The sun , blue skies , heat and black flies . Wow . So , I was ( I 'm going to use this word ) trepidatious about my song being sung , since Lloyd and I have only ever rehearsed it together - I had no idea how a group would react . ( Can I tell you that the worship team are absolutely lovely people who love the song ? ) Our first worship was incredible . Last night , when we started to pick - up voices for our choir , we started to sing From Now On and I think it 's going to grow wings . Although I had my back to the congregation , choir members are telling me the congregation is singing ! ! The congregation is singing ! ! Thrilling beyond words . So , thank you God . And , bonus God , the choir sounds sweet , just like I always imagined . We had a beautiful hymn sing in the chapel this morning : an amazing little structure with the most inspiring stained glass . Holy . A place to draw in . The quiet is calling and answering at the same time . I arrived there after I had a little ceremonial walk , thinking about Jim and Honey in New Glasgow having their little farewell together . Now , rest is calling . I don 't know what is happening in my body but things are afoot . But , I could be sitting at home right now , worrying or anticipating or whatever , and instead , I am here , in the midst of the spirit , with the winds of the Tantramar Marshes and the sweet sounds of the choir and the birds and the congregation . And caring friends . I will continue to put my feet up and look forward to all of the opportunities I will have to sing with the choir and the congregation . Life is grand in those moments - no worries , no fears , Posted by It was a grey one , and a slow one , but me and my darling had a little walk this morning , an early one . It 's recycling and garbage collection day in our neck of the woods and despite everything ( like no visible sunrise ) the folks are out and about early and getting the world cleaned - up , house by house . I think I slept a bit last night - at least I missed Idol and Dancing with the Stars ( or whatever ) ; I know that Puff was pretty active , coming to check on me quite a bit . She likes to snuggle . She 'll be moving next week . I did wake up for some of Jimmy Fallon , but quickly turned the world to black and asked the angels to come and comfort me . They did . I was told that all I have to do is ask - an elderly , wise lady told me that . Whenever you need their help , you just ask and they are there . I 've put that into practice . Tomorrow I 'll walk my darling again , cause I 'll be leaving for conference and she will be in the boon docks of Pictou County by the time I get back on Sunday . Having fun I think . Loads of room to run , other dogs to terrify and get used to . Now when I tell her that Liz is coming , she 's up and alert and runs to look out the back door . So , the magic is working . ( She kind of acts the same way with Lloyd , but that 's another story ! ) I 'm feeling terrible to be frank . I 'm quite wobbly and will be taking life at a snail 's pace over the next few days , being in the moment and sitting as much as necessary . Singing to my heart 's content with any luck . I 've found now that the tamoxifen is out of my system , it has let something in my voice come back to life and I am thankful for that . A song that I wrote will be used for the conference theme - Lloyd has been incredibly helpful in getting it transcribed to a readable musical format for the choir and the words will be displayed on the power point . It 's called : From Now On , representing the past , present and future of our Church . Honey and I wrote it during our wintry walks these past months . God still knows the way , so how can we go wrong ? Anyway , I will be tired , but aPosted by Just spoke with Dr . Rutledge . Looks like we will target next Wednesday , June 1st for the first treatment . I will not need to have a mask prepared - they will use the anatomy of my skull . Dr . Rutledge feels sure I will be the star at the Clinic ! I will work towards doing that very thing ! Cutting back on the steroids as I haven 't slept for hours and hours . Thank you folks . Peace , Emma LeeP . S . Honey 's transition has begun ! She like Liz a lot . It occurred to me over the past few days - okay I know I 'm slow - but that my name has become associated with " hope " . Believe it or not I 'm very pleased about that . There are two roads we can travel when we are facing news of this sort , and I hope you never have to face these issues . I was reminded of that last week during our Julian of Norwich service , and I am going to share these words of my worship team mate : " Here is what I do know . I know that I have a choice between hope and despair when viewing the world and my future . How do I decide between them ? I choose the one that brings the most joy , the most healing , the most compassion to my life and to the world . In despair I 'm no good to anyone . So let us hold Julian 's mantra in our hearts : All will be well , and all will be well , and all manner of things will be well . " So , when it occurred to me that Hope and I were beginning to merge , I thought of those words and how true they are to me . Oh , don 't be fooled . I can easily fall into the Valley of No Hope , which my former workmates will attest to , before metastatic disease was discovered , and I still can . It is very easy , easy in the dark in the middle of the night , or in the afternoon , or in the morning , but I can pull myself out of it , because I want hope in my life . I want it and need it . And everything that I am going to do is going to lead to it . It would be too easy to give in . I 've said it before . I am going to post my picture with Marie again . I think I posted it before . Once treatments start I will try and keep up with my blog , but I understand there may be cognitive issues , I 'm hoping there will not . Anyway , I 'm posting my picture with Marie again . She is the gal I roomed with in Indianapolis when I attended the metastatic breast cancer conference last October . She had whole brain radiation two years ago and there has been no further cancer activity since . I have had a few email communications with her over the past few days . She is another angel I consider to have found in my life . You are also angelsPosted by WARNING : This is not for the faint of heart . Okay . MRI results were delivered today . As you know I was supposed to get an aredia and chemo treatment . I 'm keeping this short . I was not given chemo . I was given aredia . I was given the results of the MRI . I will be undergoing full brain radiation in Halifax within the next 2 . 5 weeks . I 'm still going to Maritime Conference next weekend . I 'm now on steroids to deal with any swelling . Breast cancer mets are in my brain . They 're small . The Doctor is optimistic . So am I . We have now entered the next phase . I will be looking for a home for Honey and Puff . Boobadee is ill and we will tend to her . She 's a beautiful little angelic cat who has been by my side through much of this journey , but she is now languishing . Honey needs a strong master / leader . I will not let her go to anyone who is not a strong dog master . Without that she will not thrive . She is demanding , aggressive and has a nasty streak , unless you are me . She is very protective of me . I think she is trying to protect me and is aware of what is happening . Puff is a beautiful house cat . She 's lovely . She almost talks . I leave it there for now . I can feel the arms of my family and friends wrapping around me as we continue on this journey . Let the sun shine tomorrow . Peace , Emma Lee Well , off to the dentist , and then the Aberdeen Hospital , as it is treatment day again . Time sure flies . . . . Anyway , it is also the long weekend . Maybe we shall see some sun ? Peace to you all . Emma Lee Mary Louise Stewart is 25 today - actually at 11 : 02 a . m . She was born at the Sutherland Harris Memorial Hospital in Pictou , just before they closed their maternity ward . It was a sweet room , with a couple of windows and an awesome birthing bed . When I went in the leaves had not yet sprung ; when I came home a couple of days later , the world was in green ! Happy Birthday darling girl who is chasing her dreams . She 's lived a quarter century . Dream big Little Miss Lou ! Listen to your heart . Last year at this time , her birthday was " ruined " with news of my recurrence . As a family and with my friends , we 've made it a year into this journey . And today , Janice called to tell me that " Emma 's Excursion " will happen on June 12th at 2 : 00 p . m . at Trinity United Church . Trinity is hosting a fundraiser for me to take a trip ! I am humbled beyond words as my heart overflows . If I can , I want to go back to England . My trip last year focused on Town Criers and Paul McCartney . I need to see Norwich Church and Edinburgh and Liverpool and Coronation Street ! That is me just spewing ! I will be happy to get away anywhere with Jim ! The MRI was uneventful It is a very strange musical machine ; all those magnets pounding out their different tones and rhythms . Crazy man ! At first I tried to think of other things , but had to give in , listen to the tones , hear some harmonies and simply relax . The 45 minutes flew by with the help of great operators . That Aberdeen Hospital ! Anyway , relaxing before tonight 's concert . Everything is planned down to the last second . Will report ! Peace today . Happy Birthday is being sung for Mary ! ! ! ! ! Emma Lee So , I 'm trying to calm my nerves before heading over to the Hospital for the scheduled MRI . Thank you to those who have sent along good thoughts - positive thoughts - healing thoughts . I have gathered those in my memory and will be reflecting upon those thoughts . And upon my hazelnut ! Our service this past Sunday has brought me a great deal of strength . I am blessed to have had the opportunity to learn more about Julian of Norwich . This morning on our walk I looked down at my little companion . Resting on her nose , glistening in spite of the grey skies , were a few drops of dew . I had to stop and admire that art work . She looked up at me with a come on , let 's go and so we did . Perhaps I will hold that picture in my mind too . I have no idea how long this will take . Curiosity , unfortunately , got the best of me and I googled it . Don 't . Internet searching is good and bad . So , I am just going to be a good patient ; be calm and let them get it done . Band practice was fun last night too . We are performing tomorrow evening in Pictou and then Thursday evening in Truro , if I can make it ! Mr . Barrett says there will be 100 in the orchestra for the finale of Furioso ! 100 . Wow . Our orchestra will fill the Marigold . Have a good one . Peace , Emma Lee So , it is still raining . This past Thursday saw Honey on an Island adventure . The last time she was in the car for any where near this amount of time was when she accompanied us to Stan Rogers Folk Festival in 2009 . On that journey , she threw - up 7 times on the way to Canso and fewer on the way home . She 's not a dog that really , really enjoys the car . For example , shaking the car keys does little to entice her to the door . But I enjoy her being there , so into the car she went , with her blanket and a doggie survival kit . We were on the road shortly after 7 a . m . , headed to the Caribou Ferry Terminal . As we crested the hill leading to the terminal , I remarked , is there still ice in the Strait ? No , my dear , those are white caps . Oh . Our car was loaded with the other few cars into the belly of the Confederation and we readied Honey for a walk upstairs ; only to find a sign with a black dog and a strike through it ! Yikes . Back to the car , and I ran away , but could hear her barking amid the roar of the engines on that glorious ferry . Anyway , didn 't really ever get my sea legs , as it was a rough ride over . As we drove towards Charlottetown , the sky almost lightened , there were even little spots of blue ! Honey spent the majority of the time in the car with a quiet pant on , never really relaxing . I was able to visit with my Aunt Olive and Uncle Wesley in Summerside . They are now in an assisted living space , being in their 90s , and being incredibly inspirational for me . Olive battled , successfully a first round of breast cancer only 12 years ago or so . While there , I ran into my cousin Eric and I was able to then go to the family home and visit with Eric , his wife Kim and their daughter Jennifer . Then it was off to find Lee , which we did with no difficulty . Honey was very , very pleased to see him . We had lunch together at his place and then Lee took us on a tour of all of his significant places in Summerside . Once that was through , we headed to Cavendish beach via Kensington / Stanley Bridge . It was a lovely drive , and it is inPosted by Well , this weather . I have found the last few mornings I am brightening my living area with candles , which include the Hope candle from Shaun , along with one from Mary and one in a lantern given to me by the congregation last December . It is simply so dreary outside I need this extra light and it does seem to hold something extra . This morning , I set the stage for my meditation time , with Honey trotting beside me . Everything was set and today I decided to use the Doreen Virtue CD loaned to me by Kate . I hit play and headed to my comfie couch and quilt . Honey headed along with me . I rested . Honey jumped up to rest with me as the words " Breathe in and out very deeply as you begin to open up to the healing energy of your Divine light " . Honey just couldn 't get settled . She jumped down , trotted into her kennel , retrieved her favorite blanket , dragged it over to me , jumped up , blanket carried and pulled up by her mouth , cuddled , snuggled and settled . Together we watched as the candles flickered , listened as we were both reminded how very much we are safe and we are loved , breathed deeply , and gave thanks . Peace today , Emma LeeP . S . Honey slept in until 6 : 45 a . m . this morning and somehow I don 't mind the smell of wet dog . M I 'm a day late , I know , but I wanted to send these greetings out to all of my mother friends . You have achieved remarkable success . The greatest success there is I think . And it is completely , absolutely and unconditionally free . I received wonderful wishes from both of my children by phone , and they sent gifts . Beautiful roses and a card and call from Lee ; a parcel from Mary , which included organic dark roast coffee , seeds for plants that attract hummingbirds and butterflies for my garden , tea , a necklace and earrings and a card . I will be seeing Lee this Thursday , if all goes well . Honey is going on a road trip ! More later , as the date approaches . Yesterday was eventful . At Church yesterday morning we sang River in Judea , which is a fabulous gospelly - type anthem . To me , the words speak of music we make and in the world around us ; how music can offer peace and hope . Indeed . Oddly though , as the service progressed , I was feeling more and more unwell . By the time I got home from church my fever was around the 100 degree mark . To the couch , where worries started swirling about missing the Carillon concert . I medicated myself and waited . I called Karen and told her that I would do my best to be there for 3 . I arrived at the Church at 2 : 58 . I did the concert and was back home before 4 . My concert hat , scarf and clothing were fever - drenched . But I did it . And I am so glad . I think we sang well . I believe it was beautiful and rewarding . The audience was lovely and appreciative . The house the good . So , today , it 's raining again . We must need the rain . It will be an easy few days while I get ready to travel to Prince Edward Island - The Island . I love The Island ! Peace to you all . Find some music that inspires you . Listen to it at least twice . Build up your hope and resolve . Travel through your day humming or whistling that song ! Emma Lee Myself and Mary WC are responsible for contemporary worship at Trinity on May 15th . Our theme is Julian of Norwich . Now , I was somewhat familiar with Julian from previous English lit classes , but those books are left to be dusted off somewhere . Anyway , Mary and I were working previously on It 's A Wonderful Church , and the Julian idea came up as something we would like to dig deeper into following Easter . So we are . And it is good . Gwen loaned me a book by Ralph Milton , which is a fictional account of Julian 's life , and I am almost finished reading that . I also had the Library find me another book by Milton called The Essence of Julian . If you have the time , and quiet in your life , you might want to check out Julian . She was the first woman to write a book in English ! Pretty amazing . She was born in 1342 in Norwich , England . A lot of her writings are tough , but amazingly enough , relateable today . Although she 's writing out of her mid - evil world , I am still finding a lot of ideas that strike a chord with me . When she was 30 , she had a very serious illness ( of course the plague was wiping out communities all around her ) during which she experienced a series of visions . She wrote both short and long versions of these visions from God and at some point she became an anchorite at the Church in Norwich . It 's all very interesting . If I ever get to England again , I will visit that Church . Julian 's life was committed to prayer and counsel to those who came to her window to seek her wisdom . On May 15th , we are going to try and share some of her messages , in both word and song . One piece of special music will be Linnea Good 's Bells of Norwich , which I find hauntingly beautiful . I will do my best at a couple of monologues . Charlotte is helping with costume and Charleen with set . And of course , Mary will be sharing her knowledge on Julian which is much more than mine , as well as personal reflections on this First Woman of Letters . " For God is all that is good , and God made all that is made , and God loves every part of it . If youPosted by We were late on our walk this morning . Perhaps I slept in , I don 't really know . I am so tired I don 't know whether I slept or not . A great tiredness has descended . I have few commitments today and hopefully Jim will arrive this evening . Four days alone seems to be beyond my maximum . I am going to visit friends this afternoon . Brenda and Denise . They have been busy , busy , busy , knitting lovely hats which could be used by both hairless and hairfull people . Can 't wait to see them . We are going to decide where best the hats should be used ; but from the pics I 've seen , they could be used by everybody . As Honey and I trotted closer to Albert and MacLean this morning , you couldn 't escape hearing a lot of birds , merrily chirping their " we own the world in the morning " song . So , just like Honey , I am nosey , and I went in search . It wasn 't long before we saw a stand of young trees covered in yellow decorations , swooping and flitting from branch to branch . Quite lovely and amazing . The sound track to that song and dance was a most beautiful wind chime with a very deep pitch . I tried to hold that note in my mind until we were home and I could find it on the piano . It matches quite well to a low A . It has a lovely resonance - not tinny , not thin , but deep and rich . So with the birds ' song , what a lovely treat early morning . You might think I am crazy enjoying such things ; I probably am , but not as crazy as the fellow I met on the way home having a great , loud , conversation with himself . He would even stop and turn around - so it really was a question and answer , out loud , to the world , with himself . How lucky for me I was holding the wind chime in my mind . He could have been a mime . He could not interrupt that note and I was not tempted to let it go . Yesterday , I passed a home and on the front step there were blue bags filled with a young person 's clothing . My imagination was quickly off on that story but I had to stop it , as I headed to the radio station . I think I had a good experience there . It was hard for me to get grounded Posted by Recent pictures of Mary ( blonde ) , Robyn and Melika in Toronto at Robyn 's video shot . Video to be released end of June . But read on . . . . 94 . 1 FM - Radio today - 10 : 00 a . m . Raising funds for Relay for Life - Canadian Cancer Society . Carillons had a fabulous rehearsal last night . The concert this coming Sunday is going to rock ( in a beautiful sounding way ! ) . If you need tickets - $ 10 . 00 - what a deal - three different groups - The Pictou County Community Orchestra , St . James Brass Quintet and The Carillon Singers - won 't be long - with intermission you will be out by 4 : 30 - starts at 3 . Lovely treats at intermission too ! Treat yourself . Treat your mom . Get out of the house for a couple of hours . Email me if you want tickets - emmalee @ eastlink . caThe early morning world still belongs to the birds ! Emma Lee It is the day after our Federal election . I have yet to turn on the TV or open the paper , but hear from Don Connolly that one headline at least reads Great Big C . A miracle of sorts occurred following my last treatment - that of pain relief . I averted the fever which I felt coming on , and rather had a few days of discomfort , ( well the discomfort continues ) I am still taking the pills and they are working at keeping discomfort to a dull roar . It is indeed a true miracle ! Yay ! ! ! I Say Yay ! ! ! Anyway , over those days I also had the chance to run the bass parts to some of the New Horizon songs scheduled for their concerts in Pictou on the 18th and in Truro on the 19th . What a blast ! Fingers are crossed . I don 't need to tell you that the world is askew . Besides my miracle noted above , I experienced another bright moment recently , that being the April 29th , 2011 nuptials at the Royal wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton : I 'm including the full sermon " Be Who God Meant You To Be " , delivered by The Bishop of London , the Right Reverend and Right Honourable Dr . Richard Chartres : ' " Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire . " So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today . Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be , their deepest and truest selves . ' Many are full of fear for the future of the prospects of our world but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one - this is a joyful day ! It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is , as every wedding day should be , a day of hope . In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation , making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future . ' William and Catherine , you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of JPosted by

2017 - A to Z … L : Conversations with Mama … The Best of ! Posted on April 14 , 2017 by Jeanne Bryan Insalaco 2017 - A to Z … L : Conversations with Mama … The Best of ! I married and moved away from home when I was 19 , so I didn 't grow up stopping by mama 's for afternoon chats . Living almost a thousand miles from home , a nightly phone call is how I stayed in touch , as she 's gotten older , it 's how I check in on her . As I became involved in researching my family history , it was often how I heard the family stories . I recorded the usual dates and names , but all the tidbits of family stories … . well where was I going to put them . That was how Conversations with Mom evolved , and I eventually blogged those conversations . What better choice , then to gleam an A to Z of my favorites here to celebrate Mama 's birthday month ; she turns a spry 87 this April , but " mums " the word on me spilling her birthday number here ! During the month of April , I 'm participating in the Blogging from A to Z Challenge for my 2nd year … both on this blog . I will post each day , except Sundays … using a daily alphabet letter in my theme of " Conversations with Mom … The Best of . " If you 'd like to read more blogs , hop over to their Facebook page . " Someone put out a little black kitten in my yard yesterday - he meowed all night ! The girl across the street came over this afternoon and finally caught him . I really wanted him - you know how I love black cats . She loves animals and took him home , but I really did want to keep him . I don 't think my Boo would have liked that ! " I told mama that someone messaged me telling me that they found a handwritten recipe of my grandmother , Evelyn Bryan , for cucumber pickles in her grandmothers recipe box . Her grandmother lived next door to my grandparents for several years on Binns St . Mama said … " If I had wanted a pickle back then , I would have gotten one of my mama 's pickles - she made the best ones . I really didn 't have much to do with my mother in law , she wasn 't very nice to me ; I loved my father in law though , he was a sweet man . " ( I asked several of my Bryan cousins and No One remembers her making any pickles - that 's funny ! ) " Daddy 's cousin , Lawson McKinley , drove a mobile general store around to all the farms . I loved when he came to our farm as he always gave me candy , and I loved candy ; that 's how I got the nickname " candy girl . " It was like general store on wheels and had so many things hanging inside the back when you looked in . After he stopped driving it , he opened the general store in Siloam . It was nice and warm today , I dressed like it was summer - it was 67 degrees ! " While sitting in traffic headed to Pennsylvania , a beautiful orange butterfly floated across the windshield - someone stopping to say hello - now which one of my loved ones was saying hello ? As traffic crawled along - very slowly - we began counting all the different license plates we passed … 19 states total ! When I told mama … " remember when we counted Coca - Cola bottles , or colors of cars , when we traveled . I 'd take one side of the road and you the other . That 's when people threw out glass Coke bottles - and down South , they threw out lots of them . " In telling mama how the girls immediately pull their shoes off when they come inside , she said … " McKinley takes after me . I hated wearing shoes and still do … I love being barefoot . The only shoes I wear are open summer shoes , I can 't put my feet in any closed shoe , and definitely not a sneaker like you wear . McKinley also is a string bean like I was … I was only 99 pounds when I married your father and I stayed at that weight for a long time . I never really gained weight , and I don 't really care about food today . For the most part , I 'm content to drink Ensure - and the only food I really want is Brunswick Stew or a scrambled egg and toast . " " I had my share of being sent to the principal 's office in school . One day , after returning back to class , I was sent back to the office because Kendrick said something to me as I walked back in … and I hit him on the head with my books . I didn 't go to the office that time , but to the library instead . I grew up with Kendrick , we were more like siblings . My father rented a house on their land ; his father was the local doctor and had also delivered me . " When I told mama I made a blackberry cobbler last night … . " Oh don 't tell me that , I 'd sure like a piece right now with my coffee ; I sure wish I could have one like my mama made . She made up biscuit dough , rolling it out really thin , and then laying it in the pan to cook till it was brown . While that cooked , she cooked her berries a little bit on the stove , then poured the berries and juice on top of the baked crust . A top crust was also rolled out , and a few pats of butter were added on top before baking . " " We used to pick the berries on the side of the road , just out of the driveway ; there was lots of them there , but the best ones were the ones we picked in the back field where it was marshy ; those were the big juicy berries . There was also many snakes back there , so we usually took Frank or Brownie with us ; they 'd kill a snake in a minute . The dogs would go in the bushes first , then after they came out , we knew it was safe to start picking . They were smart dogs , they knew what to do when they went with us . The bushes were back by that big rock I liked to sit up on . There was another rock back there that looked like a fireplace was carved in on one side ; it even looked like it had been used . This was all Indian land years ago , so it very may have been used like that . Daddy often found arrowheads when he plowed , he 'd empty his pockets at night ; at one time you had a lot of them . " On my nightly phone call tonight , Mama told me about the Fuller School House that Granddaddy owned . " Daddy owned 10 acres on the road to White Plains where the old Fuller School house sat . My father and Aunt Lena , his sister , bought it so Uncle Villa and Aunt Mae McKinley could live there . Uncle Villa ( McKinley ) , daddy 's brother , had TB and needed a place to live away from everybody . While living there , a tornado came through and picked the house up with Uncle Villa and Aunt Mae still inside and sat it down in the woods … on top of some tree stumps ; this was probably sometime in the 1940 's . They weren 't harmed , but the house was no longer livable . They came to live at our house for a few months , and stayed in the back bedroom , while Daddy and Aunt Lena built them a small house on Daddy 's land , just up the road from our house . " " When Daddy bought the farm from the government , they thought they had the right to try and teach you how to farm your land ; they also came to teach Mama how to can . Even after Daddy told the woman that Mama had been canning for years , she kept insisting until Mama and Daddy stepped back and let her show them her way - she was determined ! The woman began reading and teaching from a book she brought . It wasn 't long before daddy heard a big noise and came in the kitchen to find that the pressure cooker had exploded - corn and glass had hit the ceiling and the book went flying . Daddy told the woman that she better grab her book and leave his house … that Mama did just fine canning her own way . The woman quickly left and never came back . " " Farm agents from the government office also came out trying to teach Daddy how to farm his land . He really didn 't have a choice but to listen since he 'd bought his land through the government program , so he just stood back and let them have their say , but then farmed like he wanted . One time when they came to check on his cotton fields , they told him he had planted too many acres ; you were only allowed to plant so much . They even made him pull up a few rows of cotton since he was over the limit , and they actually came back to check that it really was pulled up . They were strict on what you could and couldn 't plant and on how much of each . " " My cousin , Red Albert McKinley often came down to the farm to hang around with my brother Leroy . One day he rode his bicycle down and left it there while he went off hunting with Leroy . I took it , but as I didn 't know how to ride , I pushed it all the way up the hill and climbed on . I rode it down alright , I rode it right into the ditch and landed in all kinds of sticks and brush - my dress got all ripped off and I walked the bike back to the farm in my slip . When daddy saw me , he said , " see I told you that would happen . " I was only about 10 or 12 and I really had wanted to ride that bike - all the kids in town had bikes , but daddy wouldn 't get me one . " " I wish I had a picture of my granddaddy 's old house when they lived near us in the log cabin . Their house was on the same road near Slip Rock ; today the road is called Slip Rock Road . The house they lived in was really big , I can still see it in my mind - I believe I could sketch it out ; maybe I 'll try sketching it out for you . Too bad those old houses aren 't still around , I 'd sure love to go inside and look . As a kid I was intrigued with my grandfather 's old house and always wanted to go upstairs , but they didn 't like you to . They never used upstairs and I couldn 't understand why , as there were big rooms up there , but no furniture . I did sneak up once or twice but I always was caught , so I never did get to really look around . I just wanted to know why they didn 't go up there , and I thought maybe they were hiding something upstairs . After they moved over to White Plains another family moved in - I should have stopped by and asked them to let me look upstairs ; eventually the house burned down … maybe it took all the ghosts with it . " " I remember far back when I was little and lived in the log cabin where I was born . The attic there fascinated me and any chance I got - I went up to explore . I can still see what was up there - old car parts and lots of books . Some had Leroy and J . W . 's name written inside . I loved being up there … looking down below … until someone discovered me . " " Daddy kept his cotton dry on the porch of the log cabin until he took it to the mill to be baled . I don 't know why I remember that but I can still see all that cotton up on the porch ; he had no barn at the cabin . When we moved to the farmhouse , he kept the loose cotton up in the barns . " After watching one of my " new " favorite shows - Barnyard Builders - I asked mama about granddaddy 's barns … " The barn that was on the farm was just an old barn with barn - wood , not logs . But the log cabin that I was born in was a real log cabin , and it 's still standing . We can go back there to see it again when you and Steve come down in October . You can 't see the logs from the outside , but inside you can see the logs . I used to take mama 's thimbles and sit them between the logs ; probably could find them if they ever took it down . My brother and I used to play a game called " hide the thimble . " I called several times today as Georgia was under severe weather with tornado 's all over the state . Every time she 'd say I 'm not really seeing anything . " I 'm just keeping myself home today and minding my business … it will pass . I remember having bad storms and tornado 's when we lived in the log cabin … . we were poor . The rain beat on those cheap glass windows so hard that daddy had to stick rolled up paper between the frames to keep them from rattling so loud . I asked Mama if she remembers any writing she did in school . " I never liked to write in school and to write something was like breaking my arm . The most I ever wrote was when I wrote your father while he was in the Navy . I wrote him many letters - sure wish I had thought to keep them for you . " ( I have kept all our letters Steve and I wrote to each other while he was in Thailand ) My mother grew up on a small farm in Georgia , and has more memories of her childhood than I can only dream to remember . If you 'd like to follow along from day 1 , click on 2017 : A to Z … Conversations with Mama - The Best of ! Share this : TwitterFacebookGooglePrint & PDFPinterestPrintEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . This entry was posted in 2017 : A to Z . . . Conversations with Mama , Daily Writings and funnies . . . and tagged A to Z challenge 2017 , Land , Letters , Logs , Love , Siloam . Bookmark the permalink . ← 2017 - A to Z … K : Conversations with Mama … The Best of ! Katy HikesDocumenting my 2017 Appalachian thru hikeDennis On - the - gOYou are invited to come along ! A Note From Abroad " Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn 't do than by the ones you did do . So throw off the bowlines . Sailaway from the safe harbor . Catch the trade winds in your sails . Explore . Dream . Discover . " ~ Mark TwainEARTH : SOME CALL IT HOME . . . LIVING LIFE DIFFERENTLYbethtarling # pregnancy # personal # marriage # lifeEllie on the ATA Baby 's Trek on the Appalachian TrailDiscoverA daily selection of the best content published on WordPress , collected for you by humans who love to read . Safira 's JourneyCreate Your Own HappinessLightheadedNew life after retirement at 8 , 300 feetsusanne matthewsLiving the Dream Tales of a FamilyFinding my Way HomeDriving the Back RoadsLove driving the back roads and discovering the forgotten America of what was built years ago . Give me a barn and great architecture and my camera is happy . No glass and mirrors for me ! 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This year I was only able to get one day to San Diego Comic - Con . There 's so much going on you need multiple days just to get some time to relax . I liked the way this girl cosplaying as Raven posed . Sony NEX - 5N , Sigma 60mm , 1 / 100 , f / 2 . 8 , ISO 500 My last Comic - Con photo . This is the inevitable pile of swag and purchases I always tend to bring home . T - shirts , exclusives , posters , little Transformers thing , buttons , etc . A bunch of stuff I don 't need . I had to start my day off with a little Minimates fix since they mentioned on their blog before the show that if you come find the marketing supervisor between 9 and 10 on Saturday and say the phrase that pays , you 'd get a free figure . This was the first place I went on my way back to the Hallmark booth to try and score another set of ornaments for a local collector who couldn 't make it to the show . The line wasn 't too long and I was able to get the 2nd set of ornaments pretty quickly . By now , I 'd spent all my money and gotten all the exclusives I really cared too ( or at least remembered about since I forgot to pick up the SDCC exclusive version of Walking Dead # 87 ) , so I was just planning on walking around the exhibit hall seeing if there were any video games I wanted to play and basically just killing time until the noon Minimates giveaway . Lucasfilm hired this artist Ken Lashley to paint a 2012 Volkswagen Passat with images from the 6 Star Wars films . He 'd been working all weekend and I decided to hold off on taking pics until my last day and it was more complete . It 's so awesome and the whole thing was done with a sharpie . After checking out the cool Star Wars car , I wandered around just checking out the different booths from the other toy manufacturers and movie studios . At the PlayStation booth , I played some of the new Ratchet & Clank game in 3D , but I was at the far edge of the screen , so the 3D didn 't work too well . Then I played Resistance 3 . It 's very brown . No other games really stood out to me and I wasn 't in the mood to show everybody how a pro does it on Just Dance 3 so I made my way back to the Minimates booth to wait for the freebie . My phone 's internet service was slow to spotty for pretty much the entire weekend , but I was still trying it and reading the convention center 's twitter feed about lines made it seem like the Hilton 's Indigo Ballroom was getting packed before the Community panel . I figured I 'd check out the Minimates panel instead and headed over there to rest during Terry Moore 's panel . This is the second time in the year 's I 've been coming to SDCC that I 've sat in on one of Terry 's panels while waiting for another one to start . I 've become a bit of a fan and I 've never read any of his stuff . He 's very entertaining in his panels and now I want to check out some of his work . During the Minimates panel I asked what is I think the first question I 've ever asked at a convention . I 'm not the type to ask questions at these shows , but they were giving away Minimates . That brought my total collection of free Minimates for the weekend , up to 5 . There were two other panels I wanted to see today and they were both over at the Hilton . My plan , before I found out about the noon freebies was to head over there for the Community panel and sit through the Legendary Comics panel until the other two started . Since I didn 't do the Community panel , my plans were now in Jeopardy and considering how lines can be at this show I figured I might be able to get into the Joss Whedon panel and stay for The Guild afterwards . Right outside of the Indigo Ballroom , the Hilton had set up a food table with hamburgers and hot dogs , so since I hadn 't eaten I considered this as good as anything . The food stand was get your own condiments and they had these little tiny bottles of Tabasco . I took some for future use and not necessarily for my burger . Once I found the end of the Indigo Ballroom line , we basically walked right in and I got into the Legendary Comics panel while I finished my lunch . Frank Miller is a very entertaining personality and it was one of those panels where you feel bad for the other people up there since everyone just kept asking questions to him . Now the Indigo Ballroom is some kind of ray - shielded cell phone blocker because I was receiving no signal in there at all and neither was the panelist who was trying to have people tweet questions in to be asked , but she couldn 't retrieve her tweets . The upside though is that the ballroom does feature the most comfortable chairs of the entire con . The padding 's nice and soft and the backs give just a little bit to help you relax . The Joss Whedon panel was my favorite of the show . He 's funny and engaging and he seems to know what his fanbase wants and plays to that . He did reveal that there will be a Dr . Horrible 2 and continued to crush our dreams for a Serenity sequel . The Guild panel was okay , nothing to write home about , which is kind of what I 'm doing now I guess . With those over I really had nothing else planned for the day . I decided to head off site to try and play Mass Effect 3 at the hotel Biowar - some people just can 't hang I got in line to play and the Bioware staff started tossing out inflatable weapons from the game and chanting " Destroy the Reapers " , which is a reference to the game . Apparently they had planned some sort of march at this time after which they would have some sort of reveal . I had been talking to someone else in line who already played the demo and they said it wasn 't on PC , so I was kind of disappointed and thought what the hell , I 'll join this march . It was a lot of fun just acting a fool as this huge crowd of people with inflatable blades on their wrists all walking around the block . I totally lost my spot in line to play the game though and the reveal really didn 't amount to much . By now they closed off the line to play the demo since the number of people that were already in would put them past closing . No big loss , I really wanted to play it on PC anyways and I don 't even want to see any media for this game so it 's all a surprise to me when it comes out next year . With that my 2011 San Diego Comic - Con experience was ending . We got some food and walked around some more and while my mom and cousin went back to the room I made my way to the Sega arcade and played some games . The Captain America game wasn 't completely crap , so that was worth it . I ended up leaving there about 9 when they closed and made my way back to the room to rest . Like Rebecca Black said , it 's Friday and you gotta get down on Friday . Today my mom and cousin were going to the show . For my cousin it was her first time and my mom went once during the first year I went , way back in ought 4 . My mom has taken a liking to this doll series called Monster High and they had an exclusive last year , so she wanted to go this year and get the exclusive . After my seemingly never - ending trek to the back of the line to get my badge Thursday morning , I advised them to come by Thursday afternoon and pick up their Friday badges . They didn 't . So I filled a couple canteens with water , found a local Sherpa to guide us and prepared to explore San Diego 's borders as we walked to the back of the line . When we got to the convention center we were able to walk right in with no line . Huh ? Reluctantly , I let the Sherpa go , but his mule made an awful mess in the bus lane . They let us in about 9 am and the girls wanted to go directly to Mattel and see the Monster High stuff . In a strange twist of fate , I had now become the Sherpa and I used my years of experience and remembrance of the fact that Mattel is always in the same spot on the show floor to lead the way . My mom had pre - ordered the Monster High exclusive so we wouldn 't have to deal with anything getting one , but she decided she wanted a second one when we found out the creator and designer would be there later for a signing . Plus my cousin wanted to get one too . So we stopped by the Mattel store booth to pick those up . They went crazy for all the new Monster High toys , and I was able to get a glimpse of what I must look like when I first visit the Sideshow booth every year . With the important stuff out of the way , they just wanted to walk around and see everything they could . It was a lot of seeing what was for sale and gawking at people in costumes . After a break , we walked through the Sideshow booth and all three of us were giddy with joy at the cool stuff they 've got there . After walking around some more and heading towards the far end of the convention center where most of the retailers booths are at I realized it was getting close to noon and I had to walk all the way back towards the center to get my free Minimate for the day . Me and my cousin went and left my mom at a table to take another break while we worked our way through the mass of people . After getting our Minimates my cousin spent the last of her money on a Battle Bears t - shirt and plush bear whose head comes off and rainbow guts spill out . It was adorable . We went back to my mom and found her with a group of other ladies at the table talking about how massive and ridiculous this show has become in the past few years . It was like Sex & the City but about comics and didn 't have Jimmy Chou shoes or martinis . Eventually we got up and headed back to the show so they could get their dolls signed . We got in line and learned we were supposed to get tickets earlier in the day for the autographs . The tickets were just like a fastpass and those with tickets would get to go first . We were only a couple people back of the first people without tickets so we decided to wait it out and see what happened . The writer and designer were nice with everybody and taking time to talk instead of just signing and waving them along , but this led to the wait being longer . Lots of people had the dolls to get signed , plus they were giving out copies of the book and signing that , and I saw the designer do a quick little sketch in one little girl 's book . By the time we got to the front of the line , they only had 10 minutes left to get through the line so we were the first group of people who were only able to get one thing signed by each of them . By now it was around 4 : 30 and my mom was ready to leave but wanted to pick up her pre - ordered doll before she left . This was over at the Marriott , so we headed that way . After getting the doll , we stopped and had a soda and watched the people walking by . My cousin said she was too tired to go back and was going to head back to the hotel with my mom . This had been an easy day for me , but with them not being used to conventions like this I guess it was taxing . With the show over I made my way back to the hotel and decided to check out the Marvel Monstergeddon exhibit & Sega Arcade that were set up across the street from our hotel . The Marvel one was an advertisement for a Marvel related monster truck show going on next year during Comic - Con . They had versions of the monster trucks set up in this foggy room and you could buy tickets for the show next year . Sega 's arcade had a couple of upcoming Sega games set up to play . I was kind of tired and knew my mom and cousin were probably waiting for me to get back so we could eat , I decided to not play anything then . We called for the car and made our way through the pedestrians to find some food and ended up at a Panda Express . When we got back to the room we discovered what the construction was for . A Camp Playboy party ! You had to sign up before to get on the guest list otherwise this post would end with a bunch of photos from the party . As it was , I just took some from the room . We hit the road about 6 am and headed to San Diego . After an uneventful and uninteresting drive , we reached our destination . Since my mom and cousin only had badges for Friday , we separated here and they went off to have their own adventures . If this was a comic - book this is where an asterisk would be to tell say something like " to find out what they did read , this other comic # something " . This isn 't a comic - book and neither of them has a blog or anything where they would post their activities so I 'm not going to link to anything . I headed over to the convention center and started walking towards Hall A so I could get to the back of the line to pick up my badge . Once I reached Hall A I continued walking towards the Marriott since the line stretched over there . I then walked behind the Marriott and past the Hyatt to Seaport Village . From there I followed the line as it curved onto this little peninsula where I finally reached the end of the line . I would 've had a direct line to the con if not for the body of water between me and it . The line moved pretty quickly and after about an hour I had my badges for all three days . - so far away they needed tables with Gatorade along the way to keep people hydrated First things first , I headed to Hallmark to get their exclusive IG - 88 & Dengar ornaments . I was able to get them pretty easily and without too long of a wait . I wasn 't too concerned with getting any other exclusives , so I just meandered about the exhibit hall checking out the new stuff from Gentle Giant and Sideshow . At my first SDCC , I was introduced to a line of toys called Minimates by Art Asylum . I bought the exclusive figures from that year 's con and have been buying at least the exclusives every year since then . This year , they were giving away a free Pirate Raiders minimate everyday at noon . Each day was a different figure , so you had to keep coming back to get the whole set . The time was right around 11 and I knew that the rest of my day was gonna be pretty busy with panels and I probably wouldn 't get a chance to eat until after 5 I decided to head over to 1st St where I heard some of San Diego 's gourmet food trucks would be parked at so I could get something to eat . I chose Super Q since it seemed the most normal . I ordered some fries covered in BBQ sauce , shredded chicken , pico de gallo , jalapenos , & cheese - so as normal as that is . It was delicious . I ate on my way back to the con with my glass bottled Coke open in my pocket . I was finishing up right as I was about to enter the exhibit hall and saw someone leave from one of the benches that are right outside some of the doors , so I helped myself to a seat . Finished off my amazing lunch and remembered I had a soda in my pocket . Looked down and noticed the bottle wasn 't sitting upright in my pocket . Of course it had spilled and there was none left . I got my free minimate and made my way up to the mezzanine level to get an autograph for a friend of mine . A couple years ago , Hideo Kojima ( creator of Metal Gear Solid ) was at the show and I tried to get two things signed , I wasn 't able to get my friend 's item signed . A few days before the show I saw he was going to be there again so I figured I 'd surprise my friend with an autograph . I haven 't given it to him yet , so he still doesn 't know about it , unless of course he reads this post before we meet up . When the schedule came out I had planned on going to Room 6BCF to sit through the Street Fighter X Tekken panel ( I was interested , but not enough for a whole panel ) to get a seat for The Old Republic and then Star Wars : Clone Wars season 4 . By the time I got the autograph it was about 3 : 15 and I didn 't think I would make it to The Old Republic on time to get a seat ; but I did . They showed how killing this one character or not killing him could play out and affect the later game and we all got pre - order codes and I don 't really understand what good they are since my pre - order from Amazon gave me a similar code that I have to enter the same way . I 'm not sure if the code is just to get the early access that they talked about . Either way I had to go to the fulfillment room over at the Marriott to get the code , but not until after the Clone Wars panel . We saw a trailer for season 4 and they showed a couple clips of future episodes . It 's looking really good . The season starts with an arc featuring the Mon Calamari with Kit Fisto & a young Ackbar . They mentioned another animated project coming out that 's more comedic and Seth Green is involved , since he came up on stage when they mentioned that . He just sat in on the panel for the rest of the Q & A and they didn 't say anything about this other series . I hadn 't heard about it , but apparently it was announced last year . Someone asked about Ahsoka 's death and Seth Green said he had talked to George about it , but George said he wasn 't quite sure what her fate would be , and Dave said he 'd been thinking about it recently . A couple minutes later Seth interrupted someone 's question to say someone had already posted his and Dave 's responses about Ahsoka on Twitter . With that panel over and me not having anything else planned I figured I 'd head over to the Marriott for my pre - order code , whatever that meant . On my way to the fulfillment room I saw that Nintendo had set up a gaming lounge in one of the Marriott 's ballrooms . So after getting my code I stop . We stayed at a new Residence Inn Marriott on 6th & J St . ( Marriott should pay me for all the mentions in this post , Marriott , Marriott , Marriott ) . I 'm in the elevator with someone who looks vaguely familiar , but I can 't quite place it . Not until he gets off and I 'm able to read his badge , it was Tom Hodges the artist . As he was exiting the elevator I didn 't get a chance to say anything . When I got back to the room my mom and cousin were fascinated by some sort of construction project going on outside our window . There was a giant screen set - up and I was thinking could it be for some screening or party . I didn 't really care , maybe we 'd find out later . Maybe you will too . This year my mom wanted to take a kid with us , so we took my 13 year old cousin for her first convention experience . We left on Wednesday to go to Anaheim so my mom could go to the Build - A - Bear at Downtown Disney , since the ones here don 't have the " pretty " clothes as she puts it . This also put us closer to San Diego so we don 't have to get up at 1 in the morning to get there when the show opens Thursday since we didn 't have a hotel in San Diego for Wednesday night . The plan was to also visit with some family , but by the time we got into the hotel room , it was getting late and we were too tired to go . We did go to Downtown Disney for some shopping and potentially food . I 've been wanting to get down to the D - Street store and pick up some Star Wars Vinylmations , but it was not to be as they were sold out yet again . I guess I 'm just going to have to order online . They did have some of the Simba combo - toppers in stock though so I was able to get that at least . - the happy couple We walked around the various shops , but didn 't want to pay the price of any of the sit - down meals there , but did end up eating at the Cheesecake Factory so I don 't know if we really saved much . On Wednesday 's in the summer ( or at least this summer ) Downtown Disney 's main stage near The ESPN Zone is used for swing dancing with live bands playing old music . We didn 't know this would be going on and stopped to watch the festivities since my mom loves that old big band sound . Who am I kidding , I do to . It ended up being a nice surprise , and the band , The Wiseguys Big Band Machine , was really good . All that was left to do today was go to sleep so we could get back on the road and San Diego Comic - Con !

This year I was only able to get one day to San Diego Comic - Con . There 's so much going on you need multiple days just to get some time to relax . I liked the way this girl cosplaying as Raven posed . Sony NEX - 5N , Sigma 60mm , 1 / 100 , f / 2 . 8 , ISO 500 My last Comic - Con photo . This is the inevitable pile of swag and purchases I always tend to bring home . T - shirts , exclusives , posters , little Transformers thing , buttons , etc . A bunch of stuff I don 't need . I had to start my day off with a little Minimates fix since they mentioned on their blog before the show that if you come find the marketing supervisor between 9 and 10 on Saturday and say the phrase that pays , you 'd get a free figure . This was the first place I went on my way back to the Hallmark booth to try and score another set of ornaments for a local collector who couldn 't make it to the show . The line wasn 't too long and I was able to get the 2nd set of ornaments pretty quickly . By now , I 'd spent all my money and gotten all the exclusives I really cared too ( or at least remembered about since I forgot to pick up the SDCC exclusive version of Walking Dead # 87 ) , so I was just planning on walking around the exhibit hall seeing if there were any video games I wanted to play and basically just killing time until the noon Minimates giveaway . Lucasfilm hired this artist Ken Lashley to paint a 2012 Volkswagen Passat with images from the 6 Star Wars films . He 'd been working all weekend and I decided to hold off on taking pics until my last day and it was more complete . It 's so awesome and the whole thing was done with a sharpie . After checking out the cool Star Wars car , I wandered around just checking out the different booths from the other toy manufacturers and movie studios . At the PlayStation booth , I played some of the new Ratchet & Clank game in 3D , but I was at the far edge of the screen , so the 3D didn 't work too well . Then I played Resistance 3 . It 's very brown . No other games really stood out to me and I wasn 't in the mood to show everybody how a pro does it on Just Dance 3 so I made my way back to the Minimates booth to wait for the freebie . My phone 's internet service was slow to spotty for pretty much the entire weekend , but I was still trying it and reading the convention center 's twitter feed about lines made it seem like the Hilton 's Indigo Ballroom was getting packed before the Community panel . I figured I 'd check out the Minimates panel instead and headed over there to rest during Terry Moore 's panel . This is the second time in the year 's I 've been coming to SDCC that I 've sat in on one of Terry 's panels while waiting for another one to start . I 've become a bit of a fan and I 've never read any of his stuff . He 's very entertaining in his panels and now I want to check out some of his work . During the Minimates panel I asked what is I think the first question I 've ever asked at a convention . I 'm not the type to ask questions at these shows , but they were giving away Minimates . That brought my total collection of free Minimates for the weekend , up to 5 . There were two other panels I wanted to see today and they were both over at the Hilton . My plan , before I found out about the noon freebies was to head over there for the Community panel and sit through the Legendary Comics panel until the other two started . Since I didn 't do the Community panel , my plans were now in Jeopardy and considering how lines can be at this show I figured I might be able to get into the Joss Whedon panel and stay for The Guild afterwards . Right outside of the Indigo Ballroom , the Hilton had set up a food table with hamburgers and hot dogs , so since I hadn 't eaten I considered this as good as anything . The food stand was get your own condiments and they had these little tiny bottles of Tabasco . I took some for future use and not necessarily for my burger . Once I found the end of the Indigo Ballroom line , we basically walked right in and I got into the Legendary Comics panel while I finished my lunch . Frank Miller is a very entertaining personality and it was one of those panels where you feel bad for the other people up there since everyone just kept asking questions to him . Now the Indigo Ballroom is some kind of ray - shielded cell phone blocker because I was receiving no signal in there at all and neither was the panelist who was trying to have people tweet questions in to be asked , but she couldn 't retrieve her tweets . The upside though is that the ballroom does feature the most comfortable chairs of the entire con . The padding 's nice and soft and the backs give just a little bit to help you relax . The Joss Whedon panel was my favorite of the show . He 's funny and engaging and he seems to know what his fanbase wants and plays to that . He did reveal that there will be a Dr . Horrible 2 and continued to crush our dreams for a Serenity sequel . The Guild panel was okay , nothing to write home about , which is kind of what I 'm doing now I guess . With those over I really had nothing else planned for the day . I decided to head off site to try and play Mass Effect 3 at the hotel Biowar - some people just can 't hang I got in line to play and the Bioware staff started tossing out inflatable weapons from the game and chanting " Destroy the Reapers " , which is a reference to the game . Apparently they had planned some sort of march at this time after which they would have some sort of reveal . I had been talking to someone else in line who already played the demo and they said it wasn 't on PC , so I was kind of disappointed and thought what the hell , I 'll join this march . It was a lot of fun just acting a fool as this huge crowd of people with inflatable blades on their wrists all walking around the block . I totally lost my spot in line to play the game though and the reveal really didn 't amount to much . By now they closed off the line to play the demo since the number of people that were already in would put them past closing . No big loss , I really wanted to play it on PC anyways and I don 't even want to see any media for this game so it 's all a surprise to me when it comes out next year . With that my 2011 San Diego Comic - Con experience was ending . We got some food and walked around some more and while my mom and cousin went back to the room I made my way to the Sega arcade and played some games . The Captain America game wasn 't completely crap , so that was worth it . I ended up leaving there about 9 when they closed and made my way back to the room to rest . Like Rebecca Black said , it 's Friday and you gotta get down on Friday . Today my mom and cousin were going to the show . For my cousin it was her first time and my mom went once during the first year I went , way back in ought 4 . My mom has taken a liking to this doll series called Monster High and they had an exclusive last year , so she wanted to go this year and get the exclusive . After my seemingly never - ending trek to the back of the line to get my badge Thursday morning , I advised them to come by Thursday afternoon and pick up their Friday badges . They didn 't . So I filled a couple canteens with water , found a local Sherpa to guide us and prepared to explore San Diego 's borders as we walked to the back of the line . When we got to the convention center we were able to walk right in with no line . Huh ? Reluctantly , I let the Sherpa go , but his mule made an awful mess in the bus lane . They let us in about 9 am and the girls wanted to go directly to Mattel and see the Monster High stuff . In a strange twist of fate , I had now become the Sherpa and I used my years of experience and remembrance of the fact that Mattel is always in the same spot on the show floor to lead the way . My mom had pre - ordered the Monster High exclusive so we wouldn 't have to deal with anything getting one , but she decided she wanted a second one when we found out the creator and designer would be there later for a signing . Plus my cousin wanted to get one too . So we stopped by the Mattel store booth to pick those up . They went crazy for all the new Monster High toys , and I was able to get a glimpse of what I must look like when I first visit the Sideshow booth every year . With the important stuff out of the way , they just wanted to walk around and see everything they could . It was a lot of seeing what was for sale and gawking at people in costumes . After a break , we walked through the Sideshow booth and all three of us were giddy with joy at the cool stuff they 've got there . After walking around some more and heading towards the far end of the convention center where most of the retailers booths are at I realized it was getting close to noon and I had to walk all the way back towards the center to get my free Minimate for the day . Me and my cousin went and left my mom at a table to take another break while we worked our way through the mass of people . After getting our Minimates my cousin spent the last of her money on a Battle Bears t - shirt and plush bear whose head comes off and rainbow guts spill out . It was adorable . We went back to my mom and found her with a group of other ladies at the table talking about how massive and ridiculous this show has become in the past few years . It was like Sex & the City but about comics and didn 't have Jimmy Chou shoes or martinis . Eventually we got up and headed back to the show so they could get their dolls signed . We got in line and learned we were supposed to get tickets earlier in the day for the autographs . The tickets were just like a fastpass and those with tickets would get to go first . We were only a couple people back of the first people without tickets so we decided to wait it out and see what happened . The writer and designer were nice with everybody and taking time to talk instead of just signing and waving them along , but this led to the wait being longer . Lots of people had the dolls to get signed , plus they were giving out copies of the book and signing that , and I saw the designer do a quick little sketch in one little girl 's book . By the time we got to the front of the line , they only had 10 minutes left to get through the line so we were the first group of people who were only able to get one thing signed by each of them . By now it was around 4 : 30 and my mom was ready to leave but wanted to pick up her pre - ordered doll before she left . This was over at the Marriott , so we headed that way . After getting the doll , we stopped and had a soda and watched the people walking by . My cousin said she was too tired to go back and was going to head back to the hotel with my mom . This had been an easy day for me , but with them not being used to conventions like this I guess it was taxing . With the show over I made my way back to the hotel and decided to check out the Marvel Monstergeddon exhibit & Sega Arcade that were set up across the street from our hotel . The Marvel one was an advertisement for a Marvel related monster truck show going on next year during Comic - Con . They had versions of the monster trucks set up in this foggy room and you could buy tickets for the show next year . Sega 's arcade had a couple of upcoming Sega games set up to play . I was kind of tired and knew my mom and cousin were probably waiting for me to get back so we could eat , I decided to not play anything then . We called for the car and made our way through the pedestrians to find some food and ended up at a Panda Express . When we got back to the room we discovered what the construction was for . A Camp Playboy party ! You had to sign up before to get on the guest list otherwise this post would end with a bunch of photos from the party . As it was , I just took some from the room . We hit the road about 6 am and headed to San Diego . After an uneventful and uninteresting drive , we reached our destination . Since my mom and cousin only had badges for Friday , we separated here and they went off to have their own adventures . If this was a comic - book this is where an asterisk would be to tell say something like " to find out what they did read , this other comic # something " . This isn 't a comic - book and neither of them has a blog or anything where they would post their activities so I 'm not going to link to anything . I headed over to the convention center and started walking towards Hall A so I could get to the back of the line to pick up my badge . Once I reached Hall A I continued walking towards the Marriott since the line stretched over there . I then walked behind the Marriott and past the Hyatt to Seaport Village . From there I followed the line as it curved onto this little peninsula where I finally reached the end of the line . I would 've had a direct line to the con if not for the body of water between me and it . The line moved pretty quickly and after about an hour I had my badges for all three days . - so far away they needed tables with Gatorade along the way to keep people hydrated First things first , I headed to Hallmark to get their exclusive IG - 88 & Dengar ornaments . I was able to get them pretty easily and without too long of a wait . I wasn 't too concerned with getting any other exclusives , so I just meandered about the exhibit hall checking out the new stuff from Gentle Giant and Sideshow . At my first SDCC , I was introduced to a line of toys called Minimates by Art Asylum . I bought the exclusive figures from that year 's con and have been buying at least the exclusives every year since then . This year , they were giving away a free Pirate Raiders minimate everyday at noon . Each day was a different figure , so you had to keep coming back to get the whole set . The time was right around 11 and I knew that the rest of my day was gonna be pretty busy with panels and I probably wouldn 't get a chance to eat until after 5 I decided to head over to 1st St where I heard some of San Diego 's gourmet food trucks would be parked at so I could get something to eat . I chose Super Q since it seemed the most normal . I ordered some fries covered in BBQ sauce , shredded chicken , pico de gallo , jalapenos , & cheese - so as normal as that is . It was delicious . I ate on my way back to the con with my glass bottled Coke open in my pocket . I was finishing up right as I was about to enter the exhibit hall and saw someone leave from one of the benches that are right outside some of the doors , so I helped myself to a seat . Finished off my amazing lunch and remembered I had a soda in my pocket . Looked down and noticed the bottle wasn 't sitting upright in my pocket . Of course it had spilled and there was none left . I got my free minimate and made my way up to the mezzanine level to get an autograph for a friend of mine . A couple years ago , Hideo Kojima ( creator of Metal Gear Solid ) was at the show and I tried to get two things signed , I wasn 't able to get my friend 's item signed . A few days before the show I saw he was going to be there again so I figured I 'd surprise my friend with an autograph . I haven 't given it to him yet , so he still doesn 't know about it , unless of course he reads this post before we meet up . When the schedule came out I had planned on going to Room 6BCF to sit through the Street Fighter X Tekken panel ( I was interested , but not enough for a whole panel ) to get a seat for The Old Republic and then Star Wars : Clone Wars season 4 . By the time I got the autograph it was about 3 : 15 and I didn 't think I would make it to The Old Republic on time to get a seat ; but I did . They showed how killing this one character or not killing him could play out and affect the later game and we all got pre - order codes and I don 't really understand what good they are since my pre - order from Amazon gave me a similar code that I have to enter the same way . I 'm not sure if the code is just to get the early access that they talked about . Either way I had to go to the fulfillment room over at the Marriott to get the code , but not until after the Clone Wars panel . We saw a trailer for season 4 and they showed a couple clips of future episodes . It 's looking really good . The season starts with an arc featuring the Mon Calamari with Kit Fisto & a young Ackbar . They mentioned another animated project coming out that 's more comedic and Seth Green is involved , since he came up on stage when they mentioned that . He just sat in on the panel for the rest of the Q & A and they didn 't say anything about this other series . I hadn 't heard about it , but apparently it was announced last year . Someone asked about Ahsoka 's death and Seth Green said he had talked to George about it , but George said he wasn 't quite sure what her fate would be , and Dave said he 'd been thinking about it recently . A couple minutes later Seth interrupted someone 's question to say someone had already posted his and Dave 's responses about Ahsoka on Twitter . With that panel over and me not having anything else planned I figured I 'd head over to the Marriott for my pre - order code , whatever that meant . On my way to the fulfillment room I saw that Nintendo had set up a gaming lounge in one of the Marriott 's ballrooms . So after getting my code I stop . We stayed at a new Residence Inn Marriott on 6th & J St . ( Marriott should pay me for all the mentions in this post , Marriott , Marriott , Marriott ) . I 'm in the elevator with someone who looks vaguely familiar , but I can 't quite place it . Not until he gets off and I 'm able to read his badge , it was Tom Hodges the artist . As he was exiting the elevator I didn 't get a chance to say anything . When I got back to the room my mom and cousin were fascinated by some sort of construction project going on outside our window . There was a giant screen set - up and I was thinking could it be for some screening or party . I didn 't really care , maybe we 'd find out later . Maybe you will too . This year my mom wanted to take a kid with us , so we took my 13 year old cousin for her first convention experience . We left on Wednesday to go to Anaheim so my mom could go to the Build - A - Bear at Downtown Disney , since the ones here don 't have the " pretty " clothes as she puts it . This also put us closer to San Diego so we don 't have to get up at 1 in the morning to get there when the show opens Thursday since we didn 't have a hotel in San Diego for Wednesday night . The plan was to also visit with some family , but by the time we got into the hotel room , it was getting late and we were too tired to go . We did go to Downtown Disney for some shopping and potentially food . I 've been wanting to get down to the D - Street store and pick up some Star Wars Vinylmations , but it was not to be as they were sold out yet again . I guess I 'm just going to have to order online . They did have some of the Simba combo - toppers in stock though so I was able to get that at least . - the happy couple We walked around the various shops , but didn 't want to pay the price of any of the sit - down meals there , but did end up eating at the Cheesecake Factory so I don 't know if we really saved much . On Wednesday 's in the summer ( or at least this summer ) Downtown Disney 's main stage near The ESPN Zone is used for swing dancing with live bands playing old music . We didn 't know this would be going on and stopped to watch the festivities since my mom loves that old big band sound . Who am I kidding , I do to . It ended up being a nice surprise , and the band , The Wiseguys Big Band Machine , was really good . All that was left to do today was go to sleep so we could get back on the road and San Diego Comic - Con !

Summary : Data analyst Cassie Howard may be brilliant ( and , okay , a little awkward ) , but she 's worked hard to get where she is . She definitely doesn 't need some sexy new analyst coming in and taking credit for her work . Or the inappropriate thoughts that keep popping out of her mouth she 'd rather he not hear . For undercover FBI agent Drew Kerrigan , computers have always made more sense than people , but he 'd better develop some slick social skills in a hurry if he 's going to win over the too - tantalizing - for - his - sanity Cassie . Hacking their systems was easy . Now he 's just got to hack the one person in the company most likely to see through his ruse … He was crossing a dangerous line , or on a slippery slope , or whatever other cliché you wanted to throw at the situation . He could 've held on . After a week of ignoring every instinct he had that screamed at him to spend time with Cassie , get to know her better , and - hell , yes - kiss her a lot more , he 'd thought he could make it through the investigation . After everything was over , then he could approach her . " Cassie . " Her name tumbled off his lips even before he 'd made a final decision , or maybe his heart made it for him . No brain required . Instead , Drew stalked across the room , enjoying how her eyes widened with every purposeful step he took . She turned to face him fully just as he invaded her space . Drew stepped close enough to feel her heat , relishing the faint gasp that parted her lips . He leaned into her , hand on the door behind her to ensure it stayed closed . He gazed down into bright blue - green eyes , where a wary spark of hope had ignited , and scoured his brain for a smooth , suck - the - breath - out - of - her - lungs , thing to say . Inspiration struck and he smiled even as he spoke the words . " I 'd like to unzip your files . " She froze and blinked up at him so long Drew started to worry she didn 't get it . They hadn 't had any word play all week . Well , she 'd tried , and he 'd ignored . But this one was out of context , right out of the blue . Maybe … Drew grinned back like a moron , and relief whooshed through him as two things became evident . First , she got it . Second , she seemed receptive given the big smile and sparkly eyes , along with the fact that she wasn 't running away screaming . Award - winning contemporary romance author , Kadie Scott , grew up consuming books and exploring the world through her writing . She attempted to find a practical career related to her favorite pastime by earning a degree in English Rhetoric ( Technical Writing ) . However , she swiftly discovered that writing without imagination is not nearly as fun as writing with it . Bestselling author Kurt Remington lives to write . He spends twelve hours a day in front of his computer , rarely leaving the seclusion of his beach - front property , where he 's come to finish his latest thriller - that is , until free - spirited Leanna Bray nearly drowns in the ocean trying to save her dog . Kurt 's best - laid plans are shot to hell when he comes to their rescue . Kurt 's as irritated as he is intrigued by the sexy , hot mess of a woman who lives life on a whim , forgets everything , and doesn 't even know the definition of the word organized . Leanna 's come to the Cape hoping to find a fulfilling career in the jam - making business , and until she figures out her own life , a man is not on the menu . But Leanna can 't get the six - two , deliciously muscled and tragically neat Kurt out of her mind . She tells herself she 's just stopping by to say thank you , but the heart - warming afternoon sparks an emotional and unexpectedly sweet ride as Kurt and Leanna test the powers of Chemistry 101 : Opposites Attract . Bella Abbascia has returned to Seaside Cottages in Wellfleet , Massachusetts , as she does every summer . Only this year , Bella has more on her mind than sunbathing and skinny - dipping with her girlfriends . She 's quit her job , put her house on the market , and sworn off relationships while she builds a new life in her favorite place on earth . That is , until good - time Bella 's prank takes a bad turn and a handsome police officer appears on the scene . After fourteen years of focusing solely on his son , Caden cannot resist the intense attraction he feels toward beautiful Bella , and Bella 's powerless to fight the heat of their budding romance . But starting over proves more difficult than either of them imagined , and when Evan gets mixed up with the wrong kids , Caden 's loyalty is put to the test . Will he give up everything to protect his son - even Bella ? Kurt stopped cold . She wasn 't a rail - thin model ; nor was she overly plump . Beneath the tank tops and cutoffs , Leanna Bray was one hundred percent hot , sexy woman , and she stole any chance Kurt had at rational thought . After securing her hair , she took the towel from his hands . " Thanks so much . I really appreciate it . I was going to take Pepper to the water later , so this saves us time . " She traced a finger over the tattoo on his chest . " I never would have guessed you to be a tattoo guy . " " And the one on your arm ? " She touched that one , too , and he could tell by the unchanged inflection of her voice that she wasn 't trying to be sexy or flirtatious . She was just being Leanna - curious , sweet . " Thanks . They were a … " Still in shock over everything about Leanna , he was at a loss for words . He was used to being in control , and Leanna was stealing that from him one hot breath at a time . She smiled . " Really ? You don 't strike me as a whim guy . Hm . " She turned and tossed the blanket and towel over her shoulder . " I guess I 'll hit the beach , then . Come on , Pep . " She headed for the beach with a bounce in her step . Kurt let out a breath and ran his hand through his hair . He watched her spread out the towel and lie down on her back , her hands tapping to some silent beat , her lips slightly parted , and Pepper running circles around her . She was so not what he needed . What am I doing ? How was he supposed to think of killing and darkness with that beautiful , touchy - feely , all - too - comfortable - and - happy woman a few feet away ? Addison Cole is the sweet alter ego of New York Times and USA Today bestselling and award - winning author Melissa Foster . She writes humorous and emotional sweet contemporary romance . Her books do not include explicit sex scenes or harsh language . Addison spends her summers on Cape Cod , where she dreams up wonderful love stories in her house overlooking Cape Cod Bay . Solène Marchand , the thirty - nine - year - old owner of an art gallery in Los Angeles , is reluctant to take her daughter , Isabelle , to meet her favorite boy band . But since her divorce , she 's more eager than ever to be close to Isabelle . The last thing Solène expects is to make a connection with one of the members of the world - famous August Moon . But Hayes Campbell is clever , winning , confident , and posh , and the attraction is immediate . That he is all of twenty years old further complicates things . What begins as a series of clandestine trysts quickly evolves into a passionate and genuine relationship . It is a journey that spans continents as Solène and Hayes navigate each other 's worlds : from stadium tours to international art fairs to secluded hideaways in Paris and Miami . For Solène , it is a reclaiming of self , as well as a rediscovery of happiness and love . When Solène and Hayes ' romance becomes a viral sensation , and both she and her daughter become the target of rabid fans and an insatiable media , Solène must face how her romantic life has impacted the lives of those she cares about most . " I 'm sorry . I know I promised the girls , but I can 't . You take them . Or I 'll eat the tickets . Whatever . " An unopened package of Da Vinci Maestro Kolinsky brushes was lying on the entry table , alongside a set of thirty - six Holbein watercolors . I 'd spent a fortune at Blick stocking up on materials for my artist retreat . They were , like the trip to Ojai , my gift to myself . Forty - eight hours of art and sleep and wine . And now my ex - husband was standing in my living room in formal black tie and telling me there 'd been a change of plans . " Does she know ? " I asked . Isabelle , having retreated immedi - ately to her room - no doubt to get on her phone - had missed the entire exchange . He shook his head . " I haven 't had time to tell her . I thought I 'd wait and see if you could take them first . " " Don 't start , okay ? " He turned toward the door . " If you can 't do it , have her call me , and I 'll make it up the next time the group 's in town . " It was so like him to have a Band - Aid for everything . To walk away from commitments guilt - free . Would that I had acquired that gene . Isabelle and her two girlfriends had been counting down the days to see the band August Moon , a quintet of handsome lads from Britain who sang pleasant pop songs and drove tween girls mad . Daniel had " won " the tickets at the school silent auction . Paid some formidable amount to fly four to Vegas , stay at the Mandalay Bay , and attend the concert and a meet - and - greet with the band . Canceling now would not go over well . He slipped around the back of the BMW and withdrew a cum - bersome bag from the trunk . Isabelle 's fencing equipment . " I assumed you would . I 'm sorry , Sol . " I nodded , my hands rising to my neck , self - conscious . It barely reached my shoulders now . My act of defiance . " It was time for a change . " She was wearing an emerald - green gown . Her long , honey - colored hair twisted into a chignon . There were diamonds dan - gling from both ears . It wasn 't enough that she was some youngish , stunning , half - Dutch , half - Chinese star associate at the firm , but that she was now sitting in Daniel 's 7 Series in my driveway look - ing every bit the princess while I was dripping sweat - now , that stung . He paused then , screwing up his aristocratic nose . I anticipated a response , but none was forthcoming . Instead he smiled blandly , leaning in to do the awkward divorcé cheek kiss . He was wearing cologne , which he 'd never done in all his years with me . " Fund - raiser , " he said , getting into the car . " Katzenberg 's . " And with that , he pulled away . Leaving me holding the baggage . I was not a fan of Vegas : loud , fat , dirty . The underbelly of Amer - ica convened in one garish skid mark in the desert . I 'd visited once , years before , to attend a bachelorette party that I was still trying to forget . The smell of strip clubs and drugstore perfume and vomit . Those things linger . But this was not my adventure . This time I was just along for the ride . Isabelle and her friends had made that clear . They spent that afternoon running circles around the resort on a quest to find their idols , while I followed dutifully . I had be - come accustomed to this : my passionate daughter trying any - and everything , setting her mind and forging her way . Isabelle and her American can - do spirit . There was trapeze school and figure skat - ing , musical theater , fencing . . . She was fearless , and I loved that about her , envied it even . I liked that she took risks , that she did not wait for permission , that she followed her heart . Isabelle was okay with living outside the lines . I was hoping to convince the girls to visit the Contemporary Arts Center . It would have been nice to squeeze some real culture into the weekend . To imprint something worthwhile upon their im - pressionable minds . I 'd spent countless hours trailing my mother through the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston as a child . Following the click of her Vivier heels , the scent of the custom - made fragrance she bought every summer in Grasse . How knowledgeable she was to me then , how womanly . I knew the halls of that museum as well as I knew my third - grade classroom . But Isabelle and her cohorts had balked at the idea . They 'd come to Vegas for one reason only , and nothing would thwart their mission . " Our lives begin tonight , " Georgia , with the silky brown skin , had proclaimed on the flight in . Rose , the red - head , agreed , and the three quickly adopted it as their mantra . No expectation too high . They had their whole lives ahead of them . They were twelve . ROBINNE LEE is an actress , writer and producer . A graduate of Yale University and Columbia Law School , Robinne was born and raised in Westchester County , New York . Robinne has numerous acting credits in both television and film , most notably opposite Will Smith in both Hitch and Seven Pounds . She recently completed shooting Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed , playing Ros Bailey . Robinne currently lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two children . Kate Daniels couldn 't be more excited to be planning her best friend 's wedding … in theory . Lately , just thinking about gowns and centerpieces makes her want to hide under the covers with her dog and a good book - one that doesn 't include a romantic plot , thank you very much . Maybe it 's because her fiancé cheated . Or maybe it 's because he cheated with her younger sister , Charlotte . Or maybe it 's because her newfound reputation as jilted wedding planner isn 't exactly doing wonders for her career . Charlotte knows she messed up . Big time . But she also knows something Kate doesn 't - something that might bring them close again , if her sister will ever take her calls . But as time passes and silence grows , Charlotte begins to realize she can 't hide from her problems forever , and that sometimes the only place to run is home . It had just been too long since she 'd touched a man , that was all . It was a natural reaction that surely anyone would have to someone of the opposite sex after all this time . Especially one who looked like Alec . " I don 't mind , " Kate said , glancing at the customers who had filled the stretch of sidewalk tables . It was a romantic restaurant , one of the best in Misty Point , but she knew better than to assume this was why Alec had chosen it . He was visiting town , it was close to his hotel , and from an outsider 's point of view it probably just looked like a nice place to eat . Besides , he was probably used to picking the finest options . It was surely nothing more than that . ' Just thinking of how betrayed her friend would feel to know that Kate was siding with the enemy was enough to make her come up with an excuse and leave . Going through with this dinner at this cozy little spot would make her the worst kind of friend there was . She knew too many people like this already , and she didn 't want to follow in their example . She opened her mouth , knowing she had to say something , but not knowing quite what , when she saw him . Jake . He was coming around the corner , laughing that laugh , smiling that smile , without a care in the world . He was rounding the bend , coming in her direction . She watched in frozen horror , not knowing whether to hide or run . Her mind ran rampant with every worst case scenario . Was he coming to the restaurant ? Would he speak to her ? What would she say ? And then she remembered . The phone calls . Charlotte . Panicking , she darted her gaze , searching for her sister , not knowing what she would say if she saw her . Alec rolled his eyes in a joking way . " Do the best man duties ever end ? What do you need me to do now ? Arrange flowers ? Frost the cake ? Oh … I know . Kiss the bride ? " " No . Kiss me . " She blinked , shocked by her own words . It was rash , impulsive , and desperate . She was probably sending him all the wrong messages . But she didn 't even care . For once , she wasn 't thinking about the ripple effect of her actions . Or what she would say in five minutes . All she could think about was the here and now . And that if she didn 't have time to run and hide from the people who had publicly humiliated her , the most she could do was prove to Jake - and Charlotte - that was over it . That they hadn 't hurt her . That she was just fine . " Kiss me , " she repeated breathlessly , her mind racing . She hadn 't even contemplated the thought that he might turn her down , laugh in her face , storm off . It would make it all worse - seal her humiliation . " I need you to kiss me . Right now . " Alec 's expression was frozen and for a moment Kate was struck with the horrifying thought that he would drag this out , or turn it into a joke . She didn 't have time for that . But then his brows lifted and his lips curled into a devilish grin . " If you insist , " he murmured , reaching down to scoop his arms around her waist in one smooth effort . Her knees went a little weak as she let herself go , and for a moment , she wasn 't even thinking of Jake or Charlotte at all . She wasn 't thinking of the hurt , the pain , or what would happen next , when they broke apart . She wasn 't thinking of anything Olivia Miles writes women 's fiction and contemporary romance . A city girl with a fondness for small town charm , Olivia enjoys highlighting both ways of life in her stories . She lives just outside Chicago with her husband , young daughter , and two ridiculously pampered pups . Camille Marino has got a full plate . As the sole guardian of her eighteen - year - old sister and the head chef and owner of a food truck , she 's used to life being a juggling act . With food to cook , social media accounts to manage , and a little sister to look after , she doesn 't have time for much else . Drew is Camille 's former high school crush and he returns to San Francisco to repair his relationship with his father before he ships out for deployment . By helping his father renovate his failing Filipino restaurant , he hopes to win back his respect . But when sparks fly between Drew and Camille - his father 's major competition and sworn enemy - Drew is conflicted . Should he join his father in the war against her food truck ? Or surrender to the woman who 's given him a second chance at love ? Above the low hum of the traffic , the people , and the planes passing overhead , a bell chimes . Then two , then three . Soon , surround - sound church bells , signaling the start of the new day , sweep over the breadth of my view . " Wow . " The music becomes the backdrop of the city I thought I knew . My eyes follow the path of Market Street and the twinkling outline of the Bay Bridge . It scans to the Transamerica Building , which cuts the ombré of the night sky down to the yellow of the city lights . Sights now enhanced , brought to greater depth and meaning . This man and I know nothing about each other as adults except for what we revealed in the last hour . He knows nothing of my dreams and hopes . I don 't understand the life he 's chosen . And yet I 'm bound to him with leftover feelings that are so innocent and pure , feelings I 'm not sure where to place now that they 've been pulled from memories packed away . Tif Marcelo believes in and writes about heart - eyes romance , the strength of families , and the endurance of friendship . A veteran Army Nurse with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing and a Master of Public Administration , she is a craft enthusiast , food - lover and the occasional half - marathon runner . As a military spouse , she has moved nine times , and this adventure shows in some of her free - spirited characters . Tif currently lives in the DC area with her own real life military hero and four children . Olivia Davenport has finally gotten her life back together . She 's left her painful past behind , started over in a new town , and become Harmony Harbor 's most sought - after event planner . But her past catches up to her when Olivia learns that she 's now guardian of her ex 's young daughter . With her world spinning , Olivia must reconcile her old life with her new one . And she doesn 't have time for her new next door neighbor , no matter how handsome he is . Olivia may act like she 's got everything under control , but Dr . Finn Gallagher knows a person in over her head when he sees one . He 'd really like to be the shoulder she leans on , but Olivia makes it clear she doesn 't want his help . Since he 's returned to town , his waiting room has been full of single women feigning illness . Yet the one woman he 's interested in is avoiding him . But with a little help from some matchmaking widows and a precocious little girl , Finn might just win Olivia over . In the seven and half hours he 'd been there , he 'd seen forty - five patients . Only five of whom actually had something physically wrong with them . All five were female and under the age of sixteen . As far as he could tell , not one of them was interested in marrying him . The other forty had nothing wrong with them . And , as far as he could tell , were very interested in marrying him . If they weren 't , their grandmothers and mothers were . Interested in him marrying their daughters and granddaughters , that is . At the beginning of the day , it was kind of amusing , even a little flattering . But by 10 : 45 it had gotten old and annoying . It didn 't help that he kept thinking of the patients he saw while working with Doctors Without Borders . Those people needed him , desperately . They weren 't fake coughing or complaining about phantom chest pains . They were sick and hungry , wounded and scared . They weren 't spoiled and whiny and ungrateful . He winced at his unflattering characterizations and intolerance . While there was some truth to his observations , the throbbing ache in his leg injury was making him grumpy . Knowing his father had been right and Finn wasn 't ready to go back to the Congo wasn 't doing much to improve his mood . " I 'm good . Just had to return a couple of phone calls . " He set down the cold cup of coffee he hadn 't had a chance to drink , removed the ice pack from his knee , and surreptitiously hid it behind the welcome - to - the - clinic plant from the staff , which Finn now mentally referred to as the matchmaking clinic from hell . He pushed to his feet with a closed - mouth smile that hopefully hid his clenched his teeth from Sherry 's observant gaze . " No , tomorrow 's good . On second thought , why don 't you schedule them with Doc Bishop ? They 've been going to him for twenty years . I 'm sure they 'd be more comfortable - " She made a ha - snort sound and then cuffed him on the shoulder . " Not that kind of foursome , silly . They 're playing golf . " She ha - snorted again . " It 's no wonder that 's where your mind went after the offers you 've had today . Kerry will get a good laugh over that one . " If Sherry had her master 's in gossip , Kerry , the receptionist , had her PhD . Finn figured he 'd provided them with enough to talk about for a month at least . He lifted his chin in the direction of the examination rooms . There were five . " Who 's next ? " " I cleared out the waiting room of all but legit complaints , so you only have four . Patient number one won 't take long . She just needs her script renewed . " She handed him a file . " He left early . Mrs . DiRossi invited him for dinner , and I think he wanted to get spiffed up . " Sherry frowned and looked from Finn to examination room number one . " Is there a reason you don 't want to see Dana ? " Debbie Mason is USA Today bestselling author of the Christmas , Colorado series . Her books have been praised for their " likable characters , clever dialogue and juicy plots " ( RT Book Reviews ) . She also writes historical paranormals as Debbie Mazzuca . Her MacLeod series has received several nominations for best paranormal as well as a Holt Medallion Award of Merit . When she isn 't writing or reading , Debbie enjoys spending time with her very own real - life hero , their four wonderful children , an adorable grandbaby , and a yappy Yorkie named Bella .

After our last chicken murder last Thursday and the subseqeuent slaughter of the mink ( YES ! ! ! ! she says as she pumps her arm in the air ! ) , life on the farm has been happily uneventful , with no major events to report . We 've had no births or auction additions and no further deaths or auction sales . The sheep are all in the winter pasture up by the house here still and I can 't wait to get them out of there . I know I 've mentioned mud a few times already , but , IT IS FUCKING MUDDY . They need out of there before their feet just rot away . Over the next few weeks , we 'll be laying out some new fencing and moving them down into the front pastures , where the grass is growing and there is no mud in sight ! They 'll think they 've gone to heaven . It 's so nice having them up here all winter though . This is the first year that I feel like we 've really had a system , in terms of sleeping , feeding , and care of the animals . With them so close to the house and their new feeding trough right off our basement door , it 's been the busy hub of the farmyard , and it 's allowed us to really get to know our sheep . I feel more attached to them right now than I ever have before . It 's no real secret that the whole farming thing is more B . Rube 's idea than my own . He does the work out there , mostly . ( particularly the dirty work . . . . ) . I have to help out with feeding and eggs , and , in the past , I 've complained about it much of the time . Lately , though , I find myself really enjoying my time out there . Here are some images from the farm this week : So , my major reason for not posting 3 different and exciting farm things for you today is that I went into the city last night . In honour of B . Rube 's birthday , I headed into Vancouver for a very important game against the Flames . We share season tickets and use the games as a good excuse to get out of the country once in a while . But , last night was even more of a special treat - I had been invited to the game by a special old high school friend , now living in Seattle . Mi - la 's seats are amazing ( I 've had the good fortune of sitting in them before . ) They are second row seats , right behind the home goal . SECOND FREAKIN ' ROW ! ! ! I was up close and personal with my boys and I loved every minute of it . Here 's how the night went down : We actually arrived in time for the warm - up , unbelievably . ( I love being there early , but rarely ever make it . ) Here 's our # 1 man , Luongo . Where 'd we be without him ! ? Our captain , Markus Here 's Trev . He 's warming up to score 2 huge goals tonight . Man , this city has a love affair with this dude ! There 's nothing like a standing ' o ' for Linden ! Here 's Daniel . He recently became my new favourite Canuck after I met him at the zoo a couple of weeks ago . I was shameless enough to ask him for his autograph that day and he very pleasantly complied . The first period was soooo exciting , with 2 goals apiece and a number of little pushing matches in our end , with Iginla no less ! ! Cassie Campbell was standing next to me , along with Pat Quinn . And , of course , local media man , Shane Foxman . ( man , that guy is a total GEEK ! ) By the end of the second period , the Canucks were leading 5 - 2 , I think . By the end of the 3rd , it was 6 - 2 . Hey ! Here comes Fin . It was an awesome night , made better by an incredible win , wonderful company and a few good cold ciders . Posted by Let 's set Farm Day aside for a moment . There are a few reasons why I 've not been with you today . ( and thanks for your patience ! ) My excuses are : 1 ) I was in the big city late last night and was too tired to write when I got home . 2 ) B . Rube is away for a few days at work , so I had to use my only available time this morning doing farm chores . 3 ) I was out all late morning and early afternoon at Captain Kid 's and speech therapy . 4 ) I was overtaken by an insane and seldomly felt impulse to scrub my kitchen floor while little T . Rube was sleeping just now . 5 ) I am madly trying to finish up some edits on a brochure job to get back to the printer 's tonight . So , here it is . 5 pm my time . Dinner is started , T . Rube is likely to wake up any time ( yep - there she is now . ) and I still haven 't told you about last night . I will . I promise . Before I shut my eyes tonight . I 'll be back . Seriously . I 've often wondered this because every so often my eyelashes have a mind - of - their - own - type - of - day . . . . where they seem to be crossing in every direction and at various angles , where no amount of curling them seems to help , where some go up and some go down and some just stick straight out , where the mascara just seems to either clump right on or slide right off . With eyes as prevalent as my own , it 's a devastating day . ( I wonder if it 's like getting a perm when you 're on your period - sometimes the curl doesn 't take . . . . ) And you can 't even throw a baseball hat over them . ( and don 't you dare even suggest sunglasses . You need sun for that . ) ( besides , I 'm on a hunt for new shades . I currently have two pairs . One nice pair of Ray Bans that are RIDICULOUSLY small . and one cheap Vegas pair that are RIDICULOUSLY large . A good friend of mine refers to them as my " windshields " and is impressed at their versatility in both sun and snow ( not to mention their Blue Blocker - style coverage ; their sheer size ) ) . So , I went to the mall to find a nice pair somewhere in between mine . I tried on about 35 different shades before the kids started to get antsy about being tied up in the mall buggy and only really loved the $ 350 Burberry pair ( of course ) . Not enough to buy them . yet . ) ( It 's funny . The woman behind me at the Sunglasses Hut was talking about having bought her last pair of sunglasses in Vegas . Just as I was about to turn around and tell her that I did too , she added that they she 'd bought a $ 1700 pair ! Suddenly , the Burberry ones look super affordable . ) Posted by Dear B . Rube , It 's your birthday . Again ! ! I can 't believe that another whole year has flown by . Before you know it , you 're going to be older than me ! ! I know it 's not your best birthday ever . In fact , it 's probably one of your shittiest . . . . . your big new project at work starts today on March 30th . You have to work and are not able to go to the game as we had planned . I guess it could be worse . I could post this picture for everyone to see : ( remember when it appeared as a huge picture in the newspaper a couple of days after your Amazing Race birthday that I busted my butt to plan for you last year ? ) You make a wonderful pole dancer , B . Rube . Or . . . even worse , what about this one ? ? ? ( remember how the race official had to ask you to tuck your scrotum back into your suit because you were scaring small children and adults alike ? ) or knowing the world was seeing this picture might make your birthday even worse : ( remember how shocked you were when I caught you that day ? ? and then to discover that you 'd been posting your boob video all over the web ? ) So , how 's your birthday now ? Love , J . Rubep . s . You know that I love you like crazy ; more now than ever before . It 's mostly the blue coveralls and the Dollar Store cowboy hat that do it for me . We 've created something amazing in our lives , and you should be sooooo proud of all that you 've accomplished . Your determination and commitment and ability to succeed far outshine just about everyone . And you are the second hardest working man I know ! ! ! You are an incredible daddy to our two little girls and you light up our lives when you walk in the door . Thanks for everything and have a very happy birthday ! ! ! despite work . xoxo It is mortgage renewal time , so another look at our property and house was necessary . An appraiser named John Paul called to book a time . I returned John Paul 's message this morning . ( not John , not Paul , not JP . John Paul ) . My options for his home visit were a ) one hour from now or b ) Monday morning . And , for some crazy fucking reason , I chose a ) one hour from now . My thinking at the time , I think , was simple - if I did it now and got it over with , I wouldn 't have to worry about madly cleaning up on Sunday . Which I would do . All day . About 8 short minutes later , I was kicking myself . I wanted SOOOOOO badly to just stop doing what I was doing ( which was running madly from room to room , dropping stuff off and picking more stuff up , making the bed , clearing the laundry into baskets , collecting the bath toys in the steam room into their bath bag , blowing the pubic hair off that awkward - to - reach back of the toilet seat sort of place , rubbing out the dried up toothpaste in the sink with my thumb , and cleaning the dog prints off the parquet flooring with my sock , racing wildly about , vacuuming the entire house and mopping the main floor , cleaning toys from the living room , sunroom , basement and bedrooms , erasing the mascara from under my eyes with a Q - tip doused in soap and throwing on my Canucks baseball hat , even though they 've just dropped out of a playoff spot with 4 games remaining , and just barely managing to get a happily naked S . Rube into some clothes as I saw John Paul 's car turn into our driveway ) . I was cleaning the house in the hopes that the cleaning would make it worth more . I was sure , at the same time , though , that John Paul could see right through that facade . Right through to the wood finish EVERYWHERE , the pieces of parquet missing from parts of the floor , the original cabinetry and counter tops in the kitchen , the holes in the wall next to the bathtub that those Dora suction cup toys created , the missing ceiling in the basement where the toilet pipes from upstairs are in plain view , with the spider webs atPosted by I thought I 'd share with you some of the key concepts of my parenting philosophy , and the message that I try to pass on to the foster parents that I 've worked with . This is the core of the parenting process . ( EDITED TO ADD : I just want to say that I wasn 't alone in developing the points you are about to read . They were developed for the book that I put together with my two colleagues and sit in the very beginning of the book as an introduction . They are what inspire me at home here with my girls every single day and I find meaning in them more as each hour passes . ) · All behaviour has meaning - Separate who the kid is from the behaviours they 're demonstrating . Problem behaviours are the child 's attempt to find solution . · Kids all have their personal stories and are experts in their own lives . Just ask . · People learn more from making " mistakes " than from their successes . Behind every crisis is an opportunity for learning . · Just because kids may step off the path does not mean they 're changing direction . · We all know our weaknesses . We need input from others to learn our strengths . Help your kids to re - author their personal stories from victim to hero . · You can take your time . Issues and behaviours WILL come around again . · Be curious ! ! ! ! Ask lots of open - ended questions , and leave your own ego at the door . · It is helpful if we gain understanding of our kids . It is more helpful if we assist them to understand themselves . · Curiosity invites communication . Punishment invites anger . Fair consequence invites learning . · Change your dance ! If what you 're doing is not working then try another approach . Do it differently , rather than louder . · Respect must be modeled to be learned . · Develop strong communication skills of timing , tone and manner , & recognize the influence of language in your approach . Make an effort to leave every verbal exchange with the other person feeling better about themselves . · Think & speak POSITIVE thoughts and messages toward your kids - or take a break . Healthy attachment can oPosted by Yesterday was the visit to the fire station with S . Rube and her preschool class . Strangely enough , S . Rube had been saying that she didn 't want to go right from first mention of it about 3 weeks ago . She couldn 't ever really give me a reason as to why . She maintained this stubborn position throughout the morning , going to music class , and during our early lunch , when we dropped T . Rube off at Gramps ' place and as we headed to the firehall . I maintained my position that she had failed to give me a good reason why she didn 't want to go and that we all have to do things we don 't want to do . We arrived and I had to threaten the loss of the birthday party at Chuck E . Cheese that evening just to get her out of the truck . We got inside the fire station . Her classmates were there . Her teachers were there . And she totally turtled - popped her head inside , turned inward forming a lovely hard shell and lost her voice completely . She all but turned green . No amount of coaxing from me , her teachers or the funny British fireman would get that little turtle out . She remained curled up on my lap for the first hour , peeking out at times through her shell , responding to nobody . She slowly unfolded over the second hour , piece by piece . Desperately shy . So , I need to think back for a moment and try to figure out when celebrating the pitchforked death of a mink became routine ; where shouting ' YES ! ' while pumping my fist in the air and then yelling , " WAIT ! Let me grab the camera " ( which took a shitty blurry picture ) became so commonplace that I don 't check my emotions first ; where no part of me says ( or even thinks ) " Blech - Oh my God , that 's a dead animal . EWWW - Get out of here with that ! ! That 's fucking gross . . . . UGH " . I seriously was not that grossed out looking closely at the mink . What struck me was his smell . I could smell him from about 4 or 5 feet away . A strong strong musky smell . Similar to a skunk , but not as prevalent or recognizable . I wasn 't part of the mink hunt , because , quite frankly , I am unable to smash a shovel down with all my might onto the head of a mink . I would definitely be even more unable to stab it with a rusted pitchfork . I might be more able to be the one with the pellet gun and actually get a shot or two in the right direction . But , I was just better off inside with the kids . B . Rube and his dad went on the hunt . Now , we don 't have a gun . That would have made this mink hunt easier . I actually went into a hunting store when I was in town today and had I been able to just buy a rifle off their wall , I would have . Doesn 't this strike you as fucking WEIRD ? ? ? Cuz it strikes me as weird . I never thought I 'd want a gun . I never thought I 'd buy a gun . I seriously was going to buy one for B . Rube for his birthday this weekend . But , apparently , the government has all sorts of controls on that . controlling busybodies . ( and , apparently , B . Rube tells me now that he doesn 't want a gun . Which makes this whole little scene even weirder . . . . that I want a gun and he doesn 't ? Bizarre . In fact , I bet he 's only saying he doesn 't want a gun because I want a gun . And maybe I don 't really want a gun , except that I know that by wanting a gun , B . Rube wouldn 't want one . So , subconsciously , I have created the outcome that I desire , which is that I won 't live in a hoPosted by You mentioned lube last week and I really want to find something that works for me . I 'm highly susceptible to bacterial or urinary tract infection , and have been affected by lubes in the past when I 've tried them on a couple of occasions . What do you recommend for someone like me ? ThanksRSIf you 're a chick who is prone to those nasty UTIs or other bacterial infections , I know how incredibly sensitive the topic of sex is for you , in general . And how super important it is for you to be viligantly careful about what you put inside you . I get asked all the time to recommend a safe lube for this very situation . I definitely suggest that you avoid sugars and other heavily flavoured lubes . You want to stick with a water - based lube and probably one that is not flavoured at all . ( If you want to try a flavour , try the O ! My one because it is all natural and might be okay for you ) . Otherwise , I 'd suggest ID Glide , which is a hospital - grade lube , and has no extra additives . I 've had lots of girls who have been successful with this one . But , keep in mind , there 's always a number of other factors to consider , including the soap that your guy is using on his penis . Have a juicy day ! ! ( literally ) Juicy Rube . . . with this alarming NEWS BULLETIN ! But , that fucking mink is back . ( no , we didn 't get it last time ! ) It 's killed another chicken . ( some no - name . . . looks & acts like all the others . . . , not Uniqua . . but still . . . fucker . ) We 're going to get him this time . So , help me God . I briefly mentioned lube last week and I want to talk about it a little further this week . Lubrication in your sex life is crucial to having enjoyable and comfortable sex . For most young women , the last thing we needed was lube from a tube . Just being in the same room with our boyfriends would produce a slippery walk and wet panties . Self - lubricating was not a problem . However , times change . We age . We have children . We breastfeed . We age some more . We aren 't as naturally turned on . We continue to age . And what happens ? ? We dry up . I mean , we still have our moister days . ( most of us are familiar with these days because we wait all month to see a little cervical mucous and jump our guy 's bones when he gets in the door . Yes , we produce natural lube around the time of ovulation . ) But , we get a bit dryer and bit dryer every year . And having children and breastfeeding only speeds this process up ! But , fear not ! Using a bit of lube is easy , safe , inexpensive and worth it ! Historically , lube was made of petroleum . When K - Y jelly first came out and , for many many years to follow , this petroleum was basically eating away at our insides . Thankfully , someone who should be important figured this out and put a stop to it . The industry moved to water - based lubes , which are sure to be a safe bet . Most of the lubes you are familiar with or have used are likely water - based . You can get all sorts of funky flavours and ones with natural ingredients . My biggest seller , by far , is O ! My lube . It 's an all - natural , water - based lube that contains hemp seed oil . It has no sugars or asparthame in it and its flavours taste great ! ! Pina Colada and Melon are my favourite . But everyone is always thrilled with whatever flavour they stock up on . You can get it in ' natural ' too , as the non - edible version . More recently , silicone has exploded forth into our world . Not just in kitchen oven mitts and cupcake holders , but also in hair varnish and hand creams for those suffering from excema . And BIG TIME in our " adult accessories " world . The best toys are Posted by Here 's what you 've been waiting for . You know you have . Our position for the week is : The Crazy Criss Cross ! Pretty unconventional , eh ? I 'm taking you guys a little out of your element this week . It 's not one of those natural positions that you 're going to just flow into - that 's for sure . You 'll have to stop what you 're doing and actually plan to get into place . I suggest that the girl lay down on your back or side and spread those legs ! And then let your guy slide into place , accommodating himself as he needs to , in order to keep you both comfortable . ( If you 're trying to figure out who the guy is and which one is the girl in the picture here , don 't waste your time . You could be in the fucking position already ! It doesn 't matter ! ) And you 're definitely going to want to wash your feet because they could easily end up closer to your nose than you normally prefer . You 'll note , in this position , that your guy 's rod ( teeheeeheee ) has to be pulled down farther than he ( or it ) is accustomed to . Many of our most common and popular ( and regularly overused ! ! ) positions involve that the penis be directed at a 90 degree right angle , or less . ( think standard missionary ; think doggie . . . ) Now , imagine pulling the penis downward , so that a man standing up would have his penis attempting to point at the floor . Some of the positions that I will offer you over upcoming weeks may require the penis to attempt angles that appear to be unlikely , painful , even impossible . But , they 're not . . . unlikely , painful or impossible . It does appear that the penis could easily snap off , but apparently it doesn 't . ( I am sure there are times where we have all wished to try . ) I have had some people tell me that their guy 's penis doesn 't bend down enough to find a position like this comfortable . But , the penis is a muscle and is made up of muscles that can be worked , and stretched and developed . It 's worth exploring , in my opinion . The good thing about this position is that you can alter it enough to make it comfortable , though , even if it doesn 't end uPosted by . . . . is here . My new camera is here . Well , it 's over the border at my US address , but that 's close enough ! ! It 's not in Minnesota somewhere , not still at the store unordered and certainly not on its way to Nigeria . Over a month ago , S . Rube dropped the camera from the counter and it broke . B . Rube wasn 't disappointed because he wasn 't happy with the quality of the pictures anyway and figured it was time for a new one . I researched it over a couple of weeks and found the cheapest price I could find for the camera that I wanted . Except that the online site in Maine wouldn 't sell it to me because my US postal box address was different than my Canadian Visa mailing address . No matter . I found a wonderful Nigerian friend in Minnesota to accommodate my dilemma and I paypal ' ed the money for the camera . At no point , did I worry about getting it . At no point , was I concerned about a scam or the dishonesty of this friend . All of my other friends were skeptical of this potential money scam situation . They were certain that the Minnesotan would 1 ) be pocketing the money for her own use or 2 ) using a nice new , FREE camera that was intended for this nice Canadian girl . B . Rube was worried - Who was this Nigerian ? How could I know to trust sending her all of this money ? ? It didn 't matter that we 'd met her in Vegas last year . He was scared . But , I remained confident . And , she has come through . Shannon , my dear ! ! I love you . Thanks for your honesty and your expedience and going out of your way for me . Have I told you lately that you 're my favoUrite Chaw ? ? ? S . Rube stutters . It started just before her 3rd birthday and has gone on for almost a year now . There 's lots of jokes I could make about it , but , quite frankly , it isn 't funny at all . It 's heartbreaking . There are times when she is unable to say what she needs to say . and it breaks her . I can see it break her . Our friends and family aren 't sure what to do about it sometimes . I see this . It is an awkward moment for everyone when she is stuck on a word . And , persistent as she is , she doesn 't give up the fight easily . She throws her whole body and soul into getting that sound out . If only she could get past that first syllable , you know the rest of the sentence is just sitting there waiting to stumble out overtop of everything else . I just wait , patiently , while maintaining eye contact . Sometimes I tell her that I 'm listening and okay with waiting . Sometimes I comment on how " difficult " , " bumpy " , " rough " or " stuck " something was . But , mostly , we are working on positive reinforcement and commenting on how " smooth " or " easy " that sentence came out . We have to model slow talking to her , and even add in the occasional " bump " of our own , so she doesn 't feel too alienated by her issue . We have to lower our fluency expectation , so hopefully she 'll lower the expectations she has for herself . " They " don 't know a lot about stuttering really . It 's still a bit of a mystery . Some people believe that kids / people who stutter utilize a different part or process in the brain to form language than others . There is a fairly high percentage of stutterers who had parents or other family members with the same problem - so there is a genetic link for some . Stuttering also occurs alongside other developmental issues ( none of which we see in S . Rube ) . I remember stuttering , but my parents insist I didn 't . I remember not being able to say my " w " 's if it was at a start of a sentence - like What , Who , Where , Why , When . . . . . . I remember being in class and having to come up with a different way to ask a question because I knew I wouldn 't be able to getPosted by I hope I 'm not too late . I 've been wanting to post all day to tell you that it is " up in the air " as to whether it is really safe to eat those beautiful hard - boiled Easter Eggs that your gang so lovingly dyed sometime this past week . Erring on the side of caution , I guess if they were out of the fridge ( which I 'm assuming most Easter eggs were ) for any longer than a few hours , you should probably just toss them . If they have any little cracks , definitely rid yourself of them ( and the salmonella they 've likely bred . . . ) I 'm going to just throw mine out . They 've been out for almost a week now . But , in all probability , they 'd still be fine to eat ! Which leads me nicely into an interesting egg debate : Do you need to refrigerate eggs ? The answer isn 't as easy as most North Americans think . We are super hypervigilant about putting eggs in the fridge . At the stores , they are sold from a fridge section . All of our official government health or drug / food agencies will tell you that eggs must be refrigerated , in order to prevent bacteria ( salmonella ) . Ask any North American and they will tell you enthusiastically " YES ! ! " . Ask any farmer , European or Asian , and they 'll tell you that 's hogwash . Europeans leave their fresh eggs in a bowl on the counter . Eggs sold in stores in Asia and Europe are sold off the shelves , not from the fridge . I often leave eggs out after collection , or before and after washing them . Eventually they 'll end up in the fridge , but only because they stay fresher longer . Eggs last a long time ! Like months . Even long after most expiration dates on a carton have past , the eggs will be fine . You 'll smell a rotten egg . You 'll know if it 's bad . ( think Hallowe ' en night or Frosh week . . . . . ) . An egg sitting out on the counter just won 't last as long as one in the fridge . Unless you 're living in a super hot climate ( in which case , I now might just officially hate you ) , your eggs are fine on the counter or out of the fridge for a while . It isn 't that easy for an egg to get a bacteria . The shell and membrane of an egg arePosted by The Chronicles of Sheep Breeding & Lambing - Volume ILambs were made for Spring . It 's just the way that nature intended it . The ewes come into heat in the fall , just in time to have babies in the Spring . They have a 5 month gestation period ( a bit longer than both the goat and my friend , Janet . ) We have our own horny ram here at the Rube Farm and his balls seriously are the size of your head . His name is Sidney . He 's a porn star . And he plays his role well . We just let him live alongside all the ewes and their babies and he 's generally a pretty happy studmuffin . He has a sore back foot right now - in his sebaceous gland . The sore foot , along with the foot and a half of mud out there , is slowing him down a bit . And , I guess he 's getting pretty old . I actually don 't have a fucking clue what the shelf life of a ram is , or what the average length of a sheep 's lifespan is . We haven 't got to that point yet . But , I guess if it 's anything remotely close to a human 's , he could be 70 and still rocking the van . or rocking the ewe , I guess , in this case . Here 's Sid here . . . . admittedly , this pic was taken 2 years ago and he was looking pretty damn good . ( Once my new camera arrives this week , I 'll take an updated picture of him ( and his balls ) for you . ) Okay , so Sid knocks ' em up . ( and , let me tell you , the process isn 't a pretty one . There is not one part of the lewd act that could be considered even mildly enjoyable for the poor girl . All animal sex is like this , you know . It 's interesting that we female humans have accepted the challenge of making sex a good and desireable experience for us , when clearly nature intended otherwise . ) We have 8 ewes that are all of breeding age that got pregnant this year . Because Sid lives with them , we 're not sure exactly when he planted his seed , so we have to closely watch for the signs and symptoms of their pregnancies . You can start seeing the ewe get bigger and , depending how many she 's carrying in there , she might get comically large , and quite uncomfortable in the final month . In the few wPosted by ( In honour of Postsecret , each Sunday I 'm going to share a personal secret with you in the form of a postcard that I 've made . After posting it here , I 'll print it off and mail it to Frank at 13345 Copper Ridge Rd . Germantown , MD 20874 - 3454 the next time I cross the border . ) In order to relieve some of the weight that you carry on your heavy shoulders , please feel free to add your own little secret to my comments section here . ( seriously . Please add a comment here SOMEWHERE ! I need to know that someone is reading this and it 's not all in vain ! ! ! Thank you , Peg , for being my biggest fan . ) Here 's my secret : ( shhhhhh ) Posted by ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNYDon 't put all of your eggs in one basket . Walk softly and carry a big carrot . Everyone needs a friend who is all ears . There 's no such thing as too much candy . A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention . Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day . Some body parts should be floppy . Keep your paws off other people 's jellybeans . Fucking like bunnies can only result in too many kids .

July wasn 't a bad month for me , but it wasn 't amazing either . I was far busier than I intended to be and was only able to finish nine books . Even though I 've already finished my goal of reading 50 books this year , I want to push myself to spend the majority of my free time reading rather than mindlessly surfing the Internet . I mildly failed on that front since I spent quite a bit of time watching anime . Watching an entire season in one night definitely breaks my rules , but sometimes you just have to relax and enjoy yourself . I did manage to finish some good books this month , though , so let 's get into my July wrap - up . The first book I finished this month was Absent by Sherri Vanderveen . I 've already written a full review and mentioned this book in other posts , so I 'll just say that this was my favorite July read and the best novel I 've read this year . I gave it a raving 5 stars . Absent was a weighty read , so afterwards I wanted to indulge in lighter fair . I ended up choosing Attachments by Rainbow Rowell . I really enjoyed it and finished it in one night . If you want to see more of my thoughts on this and other books by her , be sure to check out my Rainbow Rowell spotlight post . This received 3 . 5 stars . Next I continued going through the Tsubasa : Reservoir Chronicles by CLAMP with volume 3 . It was still good , but I 'm starting to tire of the same plot repeated . They go to dimension , they save dimension , they find a feather . I know things start to get darker and change up further along , so I 'm ready for that . I gave this volume 3 stars . Around this time I participated in the # AYearAThon classics read - a - thon , and I wanted to finish three books , but I ended up ignoring the others in favor of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J . K . Rowling . When I was a kid , this was my least favorite of the series , and I actually hadn 't reread it since that first time . As an adult , however , I appreciated it so much more . I see how the events of this book mark the dramatic changes in , not only the wizarding world , but in Harry . I was to young to really understand that before , but now I love this one . It definitely gets 5 stars from me . I picked up Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell next and devoured it in one night . This is my favorite Rowell book to date . Cath is a really well written relatable character , whom I connected with in so many ways even though I 'm much older than her . And all the rest of the characters were just as wonderful . I especially appreciated her relationships with her parents . I don 't think those dynamics are explored enough in YA , so it was a pleasure to read . And , of course , the Simon Snow homage to Harry Potter was just the best . I want to read Cath 's fan fic ! Fangirl gets 4 . 5 stars . The next book is not a novel , but a photo book called Humans of New York , shot by Brandon Stanton . Basically , he wanted to document the different boroughs of New York , so he ran around with a camera , taking pictures of people and getting blurbs about their lives . I actually follow his website , so I 'd been wanting his book for quite some time . I really enjoyed it . He captures a variety of types of people , from the outwardly normal to the flamboyant to the homeless to the old money . I gave it 4 stars . A lot of people claim Lemony Snicket 's Series of Unfortunate Events as their favorite childhood books . I was already in high school by the time the series became really popular , so I missed out entirely . I have finally decided to read them , though , and finished The Bad Beginning this month . It was imaginative , and Count Olaf is a fiend . I would have enjoyed this series as a child . The only thing I can 't decide is whether I like the way the author breaks up the story to input explanations to the reader , such as definitions to long words . When I was a kid , big words meant using a dictionary or looking at the word in context to figure it out for myself . I can 't decide if having the author do this for the reader helps them learn or promotes intellectual laziness . All in all , it was a fun read , and I gave it 3 stars . Whilst reading these other books , I was labouring away at The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy . This was my classics book club July pick , and I meant to start and finish it during the # AYearAThon , but I just couldn 't . Reading this book is like swimming through molasses . The language is so descriptive that it becomes cloying and slows the pace of the entire book . Had this not been for a book club , I may have given up on it , but I wanted to discuss it . I also wanted to see if the ending justified the struggle . It didn 't , so I had to give this 2 stars . The last book I read this month was a new release - Rainbow Rowell 's new adult novel , Landline . I enjoy Rowell 's writing , so I was awaiting the publication of this book . Plus , it covers the more adult themes of marriage and marital issues , so I was hoping that I would connect with it more than her other works . This actually ended up being my least favorite of her books . I still enjoyed it and read it in one sitting , but I didn 't care for the main character . Georgie was so selfish that I couldn 't pity her at all . I thought she deserved every problem she had . I also wish that the book focused more on the dissolution of their marriage and less on the magical realism . The magical phone was a cool concept , but it didn 't provide enough substance to the book . This one got 3 stars from me . So those are all the books I finished in July . I also started a few that I 'm hoping to finish in August . August should be a more productive month for me with # AYearAThon doing a middlegrade read - a - thon and Bout of Books towards the end on the month . Be on the lookout for my TBRs for those . What books did you read this month ? Do you have any recommendations for next month 's read - a - thons ? Tell me in the comment section . Happy reading ! Posted by This week 's top 5 topic was actually quite difficult for me . You see , I am not much of a crier . It really takes a lot to get me to feel something so deeply . I have to really connect with the characters and empathize with their situation . Therefore , it took awhile for me to put this list together , but while staring at my shelves , these few stood out in my memory as books that overwhelmed me enough to make me cry . This is one of my favorite children 's books . I didn 't read it until I older , and I got so much more out of it than I would have had I read it as a child . I truly believe that this book is meant more for adults than for kids . There are so many themes within its pages that I related to , and when the Little Prince spoke of his flower , it really touched me and made me cry . Number 4 . . . This was my first Jodi Picoult book , and it was so sad . I hadn 't seen the movie , so I had no idea how it ended , and I was completely wrecked . I 've read a few more of her books since then , but none of them have affected me the way this one did . Jolene and Michael 's marriage is on the verge of divorce when she gets deployed to Iraq . During her time there , she experiences things that will change her forever , and Michael realizes just how integral she is to the family . But when she gets home , a whole new battle must be fought since war has brought her back damaged . This was one of my favorite books of 2012 . It speaks of the breaking up of a marriage , war , and mental illness , and Hannah did well at making the characters ' trials relateable . Even though I have never gone to war or had a spouse with mental illness , I was still able to apply what they were feeling to my own life and find a connection that moved me deeply . Number 2 . . . There was a specific chapter in this book that convicted me of the way I was treated my husband and opened my eyes to how much I neglected to appreciate him for who he is . Rather , I was comparing him to who I thought he should be and being unduly disappointed . Once I realized that about myself , I broke inside and woke him up sobbing to apologize and tell him I love him . Ok , let me be real here for a second : When Sirius Black died in this book , I literally threw my copy across the room because I was so upset . I sobbed and sobbed as if he were my godfather and only real family . Not only was I heartbroken for Harry , but I remember being so angry with J . K . Rowling for taking Sirius away from Harry . I vowed I would not finish the book or ever read another one from the series . Of course , after I calmed down I did end up reneging that vow , but the rest of my Harry Potter experience was coloured by Sirius ' death . I didn 't cry when anyone else died because now I knew that Rowling was capable of anything . I just started doing read - a - thons this year . Bout of Books 10 was only the second I 'd done , and I absolutely loved it . All of the challenges , interacting with people all over the world , the cheerleaders - I loved it all . There are people I met during that week that I still talk to now . Not only is it great to be able to read with a bunch of people , but this event is organized so well . The organizers are always available on Twitter to answer any questions . And every day there is at least one challenge , each one held by a different person , so they are really varied . Bout of Books also makes it a point to be inclusive . They aren 't genre - specific , and they are international , so no one has to worry that they won 't be able to participate in the challenges . Being from Guam , that makes me so happy ! The Bout of Books read - a - thon is organized by Amanda @ On a Book Bender and Kelly @ Reading the Paranormal . It is a week long read - a - thon that begins 12 : 01am Monday , August 18th and runs through Sunday , August 24th in whatever time zone you are in . Bout of Books is low - pressure , and the only reading competition is between you and your usual number of books read in a week . There are challenges , giveaways , and a grand prize , but all of these are completely optional . For all Bout of Books 11 information and updates , be sure to visit the Bout of Books blog . - From the Bout of Books team I strongly encourage you to sign up . There is no pressure as no one is keeping track of how much you read . It 's not a competition by any means . It 's just a week you can set aside to focus on making progress through your TBR . And you do it with some awesome people . One author who has been really popular lately is Rainbow Rowell , an American writer of Young Adult and Adult books . I hadn 't heard of her prior to this year , but I became intrigued when I saw that she is adored by many different types of readers , not just people who love YA or people who love contemporary fiction . Because of this , I checked her out and ended up reading all of her books within the past four months . As of right now , she has four published books : Attachments ( 2011 ) , Eleanor and Park ( 2013 ) , Fangirl ( 2013 ) , and Landline , which was just released in July . Mini - Reviews Eleanor is a strong female protagonist with her own mind and plenty of spunk , so I really admired her . She has a lot of family issues that are heavy and dark , but that doesn 't extinguish her own light . But at the same time , she has fears and insecurities that are relatable for the typical teenage girl . I completely fell in love with Park . For one , it 's great to see Asian male protagonists in literature that isn 't about being Asian . Secondly , I really liked that he is an atypical romantic interest in that he 's super skinny , kind of punk , quiet , and reads comic books . He 's also not perfect . Sometimes he 's not brave , and he can be really prideful and self - centered . But in the moments that truly count , he is Eleanor 's hero , and it makes it so much better because he wasn 't built up to be the whole book through . I liked the characters a lot , but I couldn 't relate to the circumstances of their lives very much . I don 't necessarily have to be able to connect with a character in order to learn from them , but my own life is so different from theirs that I couldn 't take away much from their experiences . I really enjoyed this read , and I gave it 4 stars . The friendship between Beth and Jennifer , their banter , fighting , and support for each other , was a delight to read . Even though it was solely told through the medium of their emails , I got a very full picture of who each woman is and what their relationship looks like . Nothing was lost in Rowell 's choice to tell the story that way . The development of the relationship between Lincoln and Beth was something that I rooted for but that I wasn 't completely invested in . I was a lot more interested in seeing Lincoln develop as a character in other areas of his life , with his career choices and at home . I gave this book 3 . 5 stars . After reading those two , I picked up Fangirl , which I was the most excited to read . It is about a girl name Kath who goes to college for her freshman year and is completely terrified of it . She 's not very social and hates trying new things . Instead , she leaves that to her completely opposite identical twin sister , Wren , who is vibrant and chatty . Usually , the two of them create an inseparable pair , but Wren decides that she doesn 't want to room together when they get to university , so Kath is left foundling by herself . The only thing that Kath really feels passionate about is Simon Snow ( an homage to Harry Potter ) and writing Simon Snow fan fiction . Being a Harry Potter fangirl myself , and with clear memories of moving in for freshman year of university , I really related to Kath . I am not as anti - social as she is , but I understood each of her fears and hesitations . Her obsession with Simon Snow was depicted so realistically , as well as just fandom in general . In reading this book , I could tell that Rainbow Rowell has been involved in the fan fiction community because it read true to reality . Each of the characters were really well written . I especially liked the friendship that formed between Kath and her roommate , Reagan , who is edgy and harsh at first . I thought that they balanced each other out well and created a relationship dynamic that was fun to read . Kath 's relationship with Levi was so well developed . It grew slowly and settled into something so solid and warm that it was almost reassuring to me . I felt like , no matter what else Kath had to face , she would be fine because Levi would be there for her . What was surprising to me was that this book dealt with so many deeper issues than just college or fan life . Mental illness , divorce , and abandonment are central themes in this book . A lot of Kath and Wren 's lives are built around the fact that their mother left them . The way that Rowell has each of them work through that is so beautiful and true . And Kath 's development through these issues made her that much better of a character . Lastly , I picked up Landline , which is about Georgie McCool , a woman who knows that her marriage is in trouble but doesn 't know what to do about it until a magic phone connects her to her husband 13 years ago , before they were married . I was highly anticipating this release . I was excited that it deals with marriage since I am married ; moreover , having read all of her previous books , I was certain that I would enjoy this one . I understood all of the issues in Georgie and Neal 's marriage . At the root of it all , it boiled down to selfishness and the incompatibility of their desires . Those are very common areas of disagreement in relationships in general , and part of committing to another person is the battle between self and spouse . This is the very reason that this book frustrated me , though . I found Georgie to be so self - centered that I almost disliked her . I wanted her to wake up ! She was bemoans their marriage and their problems without admitting that most of them are direct causes of her singular focus on what she wants over what is best for the family as a whole . I also wished that the book focused more on their marriage and the breakdown of it and less on the magical realism . The entire phone aspect was interesting only as far as it drove the plot forward , but in and of itself it wasn 't so impressive . Had all of the time and energy Georgie put into thinking about the logistics of the magical yellow rotary been put into dissecting her marriage and where things went bad , I would have gotten much more out of their story . Rowell does a great job of creating realistic characters that don 't come shrink - wrapped . Meaning , she doesn 't deal in mass produced characters . Her characters are overweight ( Eleanor is described as " fat " ) , unfashionable , and nerdy . Instead of writing about characters people wish they were , she writes about real people . Her dialogue is well - written , too . She 's excellent at writing realistic wit and being true to each character 's voice . She doesn 't make them sound too smart or too clever . Her books are really easy to read , as well . Every one of them I read in one day . They are paced well and flow beautifully . If there are deeper issues , they are hidden in the story instead of protruding out of the narrative and causing you to stumble over them . Rowell writes like someone I would want to be friends with in real life . I will gladly read anything and everything she writes in the future and would recommend her books without hesitancy . Somehow , I made it into my late twenties without ever reading this classic . I 'm not sure how I managed that . When I finally read it , I couldn 't connect with it the way countless others have . When I hear other people talk about it and read literary analysis on it , I completely understand why this is a beloved novel to so many . However , I think my life was too far removed from the stage that Holden experiences , so I wasn 't able to share that with him . Confession : I still haven 't read this book . It 's on my bookshelf , though , waiting for me to pick it up . I just wish that I had read it before I knew that J . K . Rowling wrote it . I would have loved to read her writing without the bias of knowing that it 's her . Asian literature is one of my favorite genres , but I didn 't discover it until 2007 when I took an class . We mostly read the classics , which was great , but I discovered a passion for contemporary Asian literature when I read my first Murakami novel . It was so different from Western writing that I remember finishing it and feeling like I had changed as a reader . Murakami changed the course of my literary life . While working on my degree in philosophy , I read a lot , of course . But I didn 't get around to reading any Kierkegaard until the very end of my sophomore year , the last book in my course on existentialism . I really , really wish that there had been more of a balance before then because I was so overwhelmed by how hopeless all the philosophy I was exposed to was by the time this was assigned . The Knowledge of the Holy by A . W . Tozer This selection represents my regret that I didn 't start reading classic Christian literature sooner . But this influential work by Tozer is one of my favorites thus far . It 's short but impactful , and it really illuminated what I was already reading in the Bible . This is one that all Christians should read . Those are the top 5 books I wish had come into my life much sooner than they did . What books do you wish you had read earlier ? Let me know in the comments ! In 1979 , Otto Sinclair flees in the wake of a tragic fire , leaving his family to sort through the ashes . Twenty - eight years later , he comes back to them : his wife Lenore , a kept woman in mourning with a box of memories in the trunk of her car ; his daughter Ruby , who peoples her world with the imaginary and the unattainable ; his son Gavin , confined in a prison of his own creation ; and the ghost of his mother , dead on the third floor of the house he burned down . A single act of desperation can echo for decades . Now , a wounded family struggles to answer one final question : is it possible to forgive when it 's impossible to forget ? As someone who has been a reader my entire life , I 've ready more books than I can remember . Some of them were light reads for fun , some mandatory for school , and some challenging works that made me think . I can 't recall every book I 've ever read , but I do remember those who somehow shaped me , whether as a person or as a reader . Here is my list of the top ten most influential books : This is the first book that I read all by myself , when I was four - years old , and I had it completely memorized . Even now , at twenty - six , I can still recite the first few pages . It was just so fun , and I read it to anyone I could any time the opportunity presented itself . 2 . The Harry Potter series by J . K . Rowling ( specifically Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban ) I am one of the blessed who grew up while the Harry Potter series was being written . I was ten when The Sorcerer 's Stone was released , and I had The Deathly Hallows delivered to my college dorm when I was nineteen . I had enjoyed reading before , but Harry Potter was the first series that I was insane for . I remember that impatient anticipation as a book release date drew near , the joy of getting the new book , and the hours curled up on the couch , drinking in every word . When I think of my childhood , I think of Harry Potter . 3 . The Green Mile by Stephen King Stephen King was my first foray into both adult fiction and horror . I felt so rebellious reading his books , but I loved his characters and the way his stories slowly unfold , revealing how interconnected each character and situation is . Til this day , he is one of my favorite authors . And The Green Mile moved me in ways no children 's book had previously . 4 . Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen I am one of those people who loves to read unless the reading is mandatory . Then I can 't stand the book or the act . Pride and Prejudice was the one exception to the rule , and it was the first classic I really enjoyed and connected to . I , like so many other women , fell in love with Darcy and modeled myself after Lizzie . Austen 's writing opened me up to so many other classics , as well as romance . Any time my life goes through a dramatic change , I pull this book out . I first read this when I was seventeen , and the two main characters search for truth was such a reflection of my inner reality that this book spoke to me in ways no other work had previously . It always reminds me to stop anxiously looking for answers because they always get revealed in God 's perfect timing . After I first read this poem , I carried this book around in my purse for months , just pouring over the words and letting new meaning shift to the surface . It connected to me as a woman and as a person of colour . It was one of the first works I read that introduced me to the literature of the minority and made me realize how much I wanted to read multicultural works . In my early twenties , I thought Jack Kerouac was my time - crossed soul mate . His words reflected my heart and my thoughts . I wanted to live the way he did and be as free as he seemed . Reading On the Road was like reading my diary of adventures I wanted to have . Even now , when I read his quotes , part of me sets aflame . During my sophomore year of college , I took an Asian literature class , and this is the first book we read . It was the catalyst for my obsession with Asian lit . Not only did it speak to me on a cultural level , but it challenged my spirituality . 9 . A Woman After God 's Own Heart by Elizabeth George This is the first Christian book I read after I returned to church . A woman who didn 't know me well gave it to me , and it just completely changed the way I viewed my role as a woman and as a wife . It really educated me about the Scriptural woman and helped me to shed my ignorant views of gender roles . 10 . The Holy Bible As an adult , there is no other book that has had more influence on me than the Bible . I 've read it four times now , and every time it speaks to me in new ways . I never leave its pages unchanged . These are the books that have shaped me the most . I 'd love to know which books have made you who you are . Please leave your titles in the comments , as well as any other thoughts you may have . I am a member of the Goodreads ' group # AYearAThon , which is a group for people who love doing read - a - thons . There are four hosts who organize one , week - long , themed read - a - thon every month . Themes this year have included Harry Potter , Rereads , and Rick Riordan . My first book is one that I just picked up last month , Old New York , by Edith Wharton . This is a collection of four novellas about New York in the mid - 1800s . I adored Age of Innocence by Wharton , and I am moderately obsessed with New York , so I am greatly looking forward to this read . Plus , I tend to gain more momentum and motivation when I start a read - a - thon with a warm - up book , so this is perfect for that . Secondly , I plan to read The God of Small Things , by Arundhati Roy . This is my classics book club read . Truthfully , I started reading this years ago , but it wasn 't what I was craving at the time , so it 's been sitting on my shelf ever since . I am usually really interested in books that take place in Asia and include aspects of Asian culture , so I am glad that I am being somewhat forced into attempting this one again . Finally , I will be reading J . K . Rowling 's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire . I am slowly rereading the series this year , and I 've actually already started this one . But as it is a classic , and it is a good choice for breaking up Roy 's book if it becomes too taxing , I am including it in my pile . I will try my utmost to not just read this one and ignore the other two the whole week long . If you want to join in with us , check out the Goodreads ' group . Are there any classics that you recommend I read ? Leave them in the comments below . We are halfway through 2014 , and I have read 42 books so far . Most have been pretty good , a couple I absolutely hated , and a few I fell in love with . So , let 's get into the top 5 books I 've read so far ! I have put off reading this series for years because , frankly , it intimidated me . I tried to read this book a few years ago , but I just wasn 't in the mood , so I set it down indefinitely . Finally , enough people recommended it to me that I decided to attempt it again , and I ended up reading it in two days . I couldn 't put it down , and I got very little sleep because I just needed to know . Even though the plot is fantastic , what really seduced me were the characters . I felt so strongly about each of them , whether love or loathing , and I became so invested in them . Terrific read . Third is Wuthering Heights , by Emily Brontë . I honestly don 't know how I got through high school without reading this , but I did . It was never on my classics TBR list because it never stood out in my mind as one of those game - changing classics that everyone says you just have to read . But several BookTubers either read it for the first time and sang its praises or touted it as their favorite classic , so I decided to read it , and I am so glad I did . Heathcliff has become one of my favorite characters in all of literature . I know that he is detestable and horrid , but I am fascinated by him . I loved the passion in each page , and how none of the characters were truly likeable . It was so entertaining , and it 's become a favorite classic of mine . Coming in in second place is The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner . Again , I never had plans to read this because American classics that take place in the South have never sparked my interest . However , one of my book clubs was reading it , so I did , as well . So many people list this as one of the most difficult books to get through , and though I understand why that is a popular opinion , I had no problem finding momentum with this novel . The complexity of the different narrators , the varying mental states , the disorganized timeline - all of the traits that make others cringe are what I enjoyed the best . I found so much inspiration in Faulkner 's experimental writing , and I was truly in awe that he was able to create something so unique and profound . His ability to speak about social change , the deterioration of the family unit , black servitude , the loss of innocence , and so many other important themes in a novel where nothing much happens is nothing short of masterful . Many find A Sound and the Fury to be boring , and I certainly don 't think it should be approached purely for entertainment . But it made me think , and it challenged me as a reader . Finally , the best book I 've read so far is Absent by Sherri Vanderveen . I just finished this book , and I can 't even begin to describe how much it has affected me . I saw myself in the pages , saw my family and my friends . This book so delicately and professionally and beautifully explores a topic so painful and prolific in our culture , and Vanderveen manages to do it in a way that makes each character so human and so real .

Well , two days after my last blog post , Summer 's rear - end exploded all over me when I picked her up from the floor . There was still a deep - tissue infection below the nicely healed top layer , and it just sat there and festered . There are no words to accurately describe the smell that eminated from this cat , so I won 't even try . Suffice to say the stench was so bad that I immediately packed her up and took her to the emergency after hours vet clinic rather than waiting 14 hours and taking her to the normal vet . They kept her overnight and had to do surgery to remove dead and / or infected tissue . The hospital stay and two rounds of antibiotics they gave her were $ 726 . The three follow - up visits and extra round of antibiotics to my regular vet were $ 34 . . . DH had visited the emergency room in early ' 04 after a traffic accident . He gave them the insurance information , paid the co - pay , and all was well . Right ? Wrong ! The day after Summer 's explosion we got a call from a collection agency . Turns out the insurance company took too long to process the claim and the hospital never got paid . For whatever reason we never heard word one about it until now , over three years later . Not really a big deal , except I was asked to be a witness for my parents divorce hearing at the end of June . To make things super weird , the three of us had lunch together afterwards . What the foo . . . Ran away to Asheville So , since things in life were getting weirder and weirder , I took some extra vacation time around the 4th . Even though June was expensive , I still have vacation money saved every month , and we like to take a couple of mini - vacations throughout the year . Plus , we had concert tickets . We enjoyed the Smashing Pumpkins show , but I can say that at 29 I 'm getting too old for this crap . I 'm such a geezer . . . Since I 've starting making incense again for my local customers , I had a ton of it drying and needing a good home . It takes the same amount of time to make hundreds of sticks instead of fifty , so I always make a larger batch . Things are going well so far . Life was getting back to normal . I was thinking about my blog , and feeling bad because I had neglected it . Since I felt bad about it , I kept putting off posting a new entry , thinking I had to come up with something really great to make up for all the time I 'd missed . Am I the only one that 's done that ? I didn 't check my email on Thursday . Don 't ask why , I 'm sure there was a reason but I don 't remember it . When I logged in on Friday , there was an email from a reporter from ABC in my personal inbox asking for an interview . Sure . . . My spam - o - meter was ringing off the charts . Then I checked the email for my hosting company . The same person had filled out the contact form there , again asking for an interview . Curiosity got the best of me , so I did some Googling . You could have knocked me over with a feather . The guy was legit . Even more surreal ? He wanted to interview me about a post I had made here on my blog from the beginning of May ' Confessions of a Customer Service Rep ' . How the heck did an reporter get to my blog in the first place ? ! ? So Friday afternoon I did a half hour phone interview with ABC . com about what it was like to be a customer service rep . Surreal doesn 't even begin to cover it . . . The article is supposed to come out at some point today . When it does , I 'll edit this post to include a link . EDIT : Here 's the link to the article on ABC . com . The reporter had me as Tina Beana throughout the whole thing , so I emailed him to get it corrected . Who would actually name their kid Tina Beana ? So , there you go . My life is surreal , and I 'm one of the world 's biggest blogging slackards . I promise , I 'm going to try to be better about this . After all , you see what happens in life when I don 't blog like I 'm supposed to ? Posted in General Commentary Here were the two remaining tomatoes on Saturday , after 8 . 5 weeks . As you can see , once has a bad end ( that could so be cut off and the rest of the tomato could be used ) . For comparison purposes , here is the remaining 8 . 5 week old tomato hiding in a basket with week old tomatoes from the flea market . Can you tell which is which ? Today at 9 weeks and 1 day , the final creepy mutant tomato is still holding strong . Here he his hiding with the remaining flea market tomatoes , now 1 . 5 weeks old . Can you find him ? Hint : he 's not the one on the left ! The concept of a junkie can apply to any type of design , really . Do you collect paint chip cards , fabric and wallpaper swatches , and pages from magazines with pictures of great rooms ? Then you , my friend , are an Interior Design Junkie ( IDJ ) . If you watch shows like " Pimp My Ride " or " OverHaulin " and get hyped up when the Discovery channel runs a show on future cars , the you are an Automotive Design Junkie ( ADJ ) . 1 . I belong to a website called ColorLovers where people put together color palettes and you can collect them . I have 128 on my ' favorites ' list and I want to find ways to use them all . When I look at some of these palettes of color , I can instantly see a business card or website or brochure made out of them . I just need to find a client to go with it . 2 . I have over 1300 fonts . This isn 't enough . When I have nothing else to do I scour the web looking for more . Got any good ones ? Wanna trade ( like baseball cards ) ? 3 . I have so many fonts , I use a separate program to organize them . It 's called The Font Thing . I can group them together in whatever method makes sense to me , so I have a groups like ' retro ' , ' futuristic ' , ' classic ' , ' funny ' , ' typewriter ' , etc . I can temporarily install a font , use it , and then uninstall it to keep things like MS Word from having 1300 fonts in it 's list . 5 . When I get bored and can 't find any good fonts , I do weird things like make web 2 . 0 badges ( aka ' violators ' aka those star shaped sticker lookin ' thingies on websites ) , glassy orbs and globes , cartoon flowers and people , and logos using Open Source software like the GIMP and Inkscape . Just for fun , you know . 6 . I can completely rationalize my desire to spend a couple hundred dollars on a used Wacom digitizer tablet ( where you draw with a stylus instead of a mouse ) . After all , think of the money I 'll save on co - pays and wrist braces by NOT developing carpal tunnel . . . 7 . I have visited three online color picking and combining websites within the past month . Two of them are still up in one of my browser windows . Color Jack let 's you combine colors and then download the palette in several different formats . Well Styled 's picker gives you fewer color combination options but more palette downloading options . VisiBone 's ColorLab has been around for years and is still one of the most popular pickers around . You can 't download the palette , but it is the only one I 've seen that will show you how one color will look like on another when used for text . Too neat . . . Well , for a bit I thought I was the only one . At lunch , a co - worker called from the office and said someone else 's check bounced . By the time I got back from lunch , two more met the fate for a total of four . Bear in mind , we only hand out seven paychecks , so this is over 50 % . Our office manager ( who also cuts our payroll , and yes her check bounced too ) spent the afternoon on the phone with the CFO in Florida and our overseeing VP in Chicago . See , my current company was bought a year ago by a company based in Chicago who uses a bank from PA and the accounting is overseen by a CFO in Florida . Confused yet ? At any rate , we 're expecting new paychecks overnighted for all seven of us , so we should see them tomorrow . Their story ? They 're in the middle of switching bank accounts and payroll was drawn on the old one . . . Perhaps it 's just me , but that sounds too much like the " I forgot to sign the check " gambit when someone can 't pay their electric bill . At any rate , I made a call at lunch to my former boss . Yes , the one I 'm doing contract work for . He 's in the middle of starting a new venture ( hence the contract work ) and he and his new partner have already expressed interest in luring me away from my current job . My phone call was basically to let them know they could get started with the luring . See , this company I 'm at now was this guy 's baby , and was in great shape when he was there . Things started to go downhill fast once it got bought last year , even more so when he left the organization in December / January . The partner I mentioned ? He 's another cigar store customer we 've known for about 7 years now who has been running his own successful local business since retiring at 50 . I know several of his employees ( also cigar store customers ) and can confirm that this business hasn 't once had a financial hiccup thus far . To put it in some kind of weird perspective , he drives a Lamborghini and paid cash for it . . . 1 . It pays to keep some cash locally , not just in an online savings account . Having cash meant I could get gas today with no worries ( yeah , I 'd been riding the light for a day ) . I could have used a credit card , but what if they check thing didn 't get cleared up for a month and I couldn 't pay the bill in full ? OK , not exactly . My family 's cigar store is where I ' network ' with a lot of people from a lot of different industries , and as a result I can quickly and easily put out feelers when it comes time to look for another job . If I get hired on with Mr . Lambo 's company , that will be the third job I 've gotten from that store . Not to mention the contract work it helps generate . Networking isn 't the bad word some people seem to think it is . And there 's nothing smarmy or unseemly about it , it 's simply being friendly and personable , listening to people and getting to know them . You might know it under another name : " fellowship " . No matter what you call it , it 's getting to know the folks around you , and being there for one another when needed . Take the cigar store : we 've been there for customers during marriages and divorces , births and deaths , illnesses and celebrations . We have a lunch crowd , a Friday afternoon crowd , etc . Customers come in and hang out for a couple of house , and many of them bring their computers and work ( they call it the field office ! ) . We even have potlucks once a quarter . People bring in their pets , their kids , and friends and family from out of town . If we have a customer who has a widget for sale , chances are we 'll hear of someone this week looking to buy a widget . Need a plumber , carpenter , electrician , mechanic , police officer , golf pro , realtor , computer guru , or doctor ? I know one ( or more ) of each , and every one of them has had dinner at my house or my parents ' . You probably don 't network at a cigar store , but the principle is the same no matter where you do it . Trust me , it 's not a dirty word . Posted in General Commentary So , anyone care to do the math ? Take into consideration co - pays for office visits and possibly a prescription sleep aid . Perhaps even a new space - age mattress , a white noise machine , or over the counter sleep - aids . - Tell yourself a goodnight story . Even better , try playing the scene out in your head . Chances are the story will turn into a dream in no time . - Investigate the concept of the power nap . Some researchers think our bodies are designed for a little cat - nap sometime between 1pm and 4pm , often called the ' siesta hours ' . Try taking a 15 - 20 minute nap sometime during those hours . Personally , I take a later lunch around 1pm anyways , so it 's easy to set the alarm on my cell - phone and rest my eyes during my lunch hour . OK , as someone who hosts websites I realize I have a vested interest in convincing people that they do in fact need a site . I 've been doing the internet thing for a while , so it comes second nature to me . But the fact remains that if you have a business you really do need a site . Not just any website like the freebies you can get some places , but one that is specific to your business ( aka branded ) 1 . Your customers probably expect you to have one . Simple , but true . Web sites are today what business cards used to be . Nowadays anyone can have a website , even the 9 year old daughter of one of my co - workers . With so many easy and inexpensive options available , there 's no reason to leave your customers wondering " Why don 't they have a site ? " 2 . A website with your own domain name is an easy ' branding ' tool . Even though it 's not hard , having your own domain name makes your website seem more professional and established . Plus , it usually ties in to your business name or what you do , which means it 's easier to remember . For instance , which of these example web site addresses strikes you as more professional ? Which would be easier to remember ? 3 . The email address . A huge reason your business needs its own domain is the email address . Even if you have nothing more than a single page website , you can still use your own email address when running your business . Think about it : which email address looks more professional and established ? 4 . Having a site makes it easier for your business to do business . How much time would you have to spend on the phone explaining what you do to 100 prospective customers ? At 5 minutes per call , that 's 500 minutes or almost 9 hours . How much time ( and money ! ) would it take you to drive to see 100 prospects and give them your 5 minute presentation ? I 'm guessing days . With a website , prospective customers can learn about you and your business 24 / 7 without you ever having to be involved . This frees up your time to do other things , things you get paid for . And I 'm not just talking about people from around the country or the world . Take a minute to think about the types of people that live in your area . Are there shift workers who sleep during the day and work at night ? What about a deaf population ? Or perhaps your services would be of use to people who are disabled and aren 't able to come o your office or location . Having a website opens your business up to a whole new world of customers right in your own back yard . 6 . A business web site makes it easy to relay information at little or no cost to you . If you don 't have a site , how do you let your new or existing customers know if you 're running a special ? Chances are you call them or send out a flyer or post card . Either way , you 're spending a relatively large amount of time , money , or both to relay this information . If you have a web site , you just post the information on your front page ( or news page , or specials page ) for prospects to see and send your existing clients an email . 7 . You can save money on software and protect your ability to run your business . This is probably one of the least thought about perks of having a web site for a business , but it 's definitely worth mentioning . When you have a website for your business , you can install Open Source software that is intended to help you run your business from your website . Invoicing , scheduling , trouble tickets , accounting : the list goes on . As an added bonus , you 'll have the option of running these aspects of your business from any internet - capable computer , not just your own PC . This might not seem like a big deal , until your computer crashes and you can 't create invoices or balance the books ! By using web - based software you 've installed on your own website , you could just head to the local library and continue business as usual . Posted in General Commentary Then , yesterday afternoon , DH reached up to pull off his glasses and clean them . The arm fell off right in his hands , and is designed so that it cannot be repaired . Believe me , we tried superglueing everything back together . He 's had this problem with these frames before and took them back and had them replaced . Unfortunately , the optomitrist where we got them is not open on Saturday 's . Plus , there 's only a 1 yr warranty on the frames that is about to run out , so getting them fixed would have only been a stop - gap . Add this to the fact that he was due for an eye exam anyways and he HAD to have glasses because he has to drive a large delivery truck for work tomorrow ( a holiday ) , and you get the two of us at the only place that both participated in his insurance and had an exam appointment available Saturday afternoon : the Lens Crafters one county over . He has a big head , so we 're limited in the frames that 'll fit him . And since we had to have the glasses ASAP , we had to take the in - stock featherweight lenses instead of the less expensive version . Finally , he got the other frames just last year so we didn 't qualify for a full frame benefit only a partial on the insurance . Grand Total : $ 241 . 18 for frames , lenses , and co - pay for the visit . So , apparently 2 of my 3 cats were involved in some kind of massive turf war street fight the weekend of Mother 's Day . The boy , Samson , was gimpy on his paw so I took him to the vet Monday of last week . Sure enough , puncture wounds . A few days of forcing antibiotics down his throat and taking my life in my hands by spraying his paw with wound - wash , and all was well . This past weekend we started to notice that Summer was getting a little swollen on her back , right by her tail joint . It looked like she 'd been stung by a wasp the way it swelled a bit . But , she didn 't act like it was hurting her and was moving and eating as normal , so we didn 't think much of it . Apparently where she was swollen was starting to abcess , and wasn 't a wasp sting at all . Abcess ruptured , and there was goo oozing everywhere . At 11 : 30 at night , when there are no real options to get it looked at . Poor kitty ! They sedated her to shave her rear , cleaned the abcess , stitched it up , inserted two drains , gave us more antibiotics , and added the collar as a stylish finishing touch . Our total for the visit was $ 115 . I LOVE MY VET ! She 'll have to go back on Tuesday to have the drains removed , which will probably cost another $ 25 for the visit . I 'm happy to pay it , though , because I want to do whatever I can to make sure this vet stays in business . They offer mobile pet vacinations and very low cost spays and neuters for our area , and I think they do a great service . More important , I think , is the fact that DH saw first hand that having extra cash available ( well , in savings , whatever ) made it much easier for us to weather these two small emergencies . There was a time when an extra $ 250 expense in a month would have put us over a barrel , and it really wasn 't that long ago . I 'm hoping that by seeing this situation , he 'll understand the concept of an ' emergency fund ' just a little bit better . Posted in General Commentary So , after 6 weeks , only two of the tomatoes are bad . The other four are still technically quite usable . So , I 'm tossing the two that are funky and I 'll be keeping the rest in the bag for the sake of this , um , experiment . Posted in General Commentary I 've been on the internet a long time , going on half my life now . Geez , how sad is that . . . Anyways , one thing that has always been consistent are trolls . Usenet , Delphi , chat rooms , forums , MySpace , Digg , and beyond : none of them have ever been immune to trolls . Well , earlier today I happened upon a useful classification tool for trolls based on the posts they make . I found it on http : / / www . venganza . org , home of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster . Regardless of your views of the CoFSM , I hope you find this tool useful . 6 - 7 : Dimwit ; Not overly violent or aggressive , but is nevertheless a troll , an inbred hillbilly , or an above average - intelligence fundamentalist . They are on the absolue edge of redeemability . With extreme electroshock , elocation & deportment lessons , and substantial severe blunt - force trauma , could be upgraded to a nitwit . 7 - 8 : A Twit ; Annoying , loud , cannot use even simple words � what we have here is the Twit . Beyond redemption , these sorry excuses for humanity can be found primarily in years 7 - 9 of primary / secondary education , and behind the pulpit in Pentecostal churches . Avoid if possible . If unavoidable , bring a big stick . Thankfully , due to short attention spans , these specimens will generally depart after a single post . 8 - 9 : The Shit ; Sets out from the off to be an absolute monkey scrotum . Unable to take a hint , this is the sort of poster who will haunt a thread for as long as their attention span holds . While not a long term poster , they can clog a thread for up to an hour in severe cases . If encountered virtually , non - engagement is advised . If encountered physically , use a shotgun . 9 - 9 . 5 : Mimic ; what we have here is the stereotype troll . At first glance , will appear a complete fuckwit , however , closer inspection will reveal telltale hints that this is actually an educated poster ( Nitwit or better ) imitating the lower - order troll lifeform . Should they get annoying , utilising their real name will likely end the display . 10 : The granddaddy of them all , the complet and utter Fuckwit ; Few and far between , these few are talked about with hushed voices . Going down in forum legend , their names will be forever uttered as a byword for all things troll . Easily capable of devouring a website for weeks on end , any challenge makes them stronger , any attention makes them bolder . Be warned , for their sign is L337 , their marker is spam . If encountered in multiple numbers , can murder a thread beyond salvage . This is the anti - Cheesus . Run while you still can . On the surface it looks like my household ain 't doin ' that bad . I send almost 20 % of our net off to the online bank every month . Sounds good , yes ? However , some of that I don 't REALLY consider savings . How so ? Well , that lump includes the monthly contribution I make to my irregular bills , like water , property taxes , and homeowner 's insurance . Granted , I save the money up for a year ( or quarter , in the case of water ) and then spend it , so I guess it would qualify as short - term savings . But it doesn 't ' feel ' like savings , it feels like a bill . Probably because it is . I feel somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard spot , as the saying goes . See , DH responds well when he wants to spend relatively big cash and I tell him that the money in the bank is allotted to X , Y , or Z . For instance , he understands that the homeowner 's insurance and property taxes have to be paid no matter what because if we don 't we loose our house , so that money is easy to see as sacred . But when money is sitting there without a purpose other than " in case we need it " , he seems to see it as fair game . So , perhaps I just need to mull over and find some more categories that are easy to see as sacred For those that are wondering , here are the categories that account has so far : Don 't know if I 've specifically mentioned this or not , but I mostly listen to WNCW on the radio , a public radio station from western NC . It 's the most unique station I 've found , playing a mix of blues , folk , bluegrass , rock , country , and whatever else strikes their fancy . I 've heard Dolly Parton , Frank Zappa , and Ben Folds in the same afternoon before . And if that 's not enough to get you to check ' em out , consider this : they play Grateful Dead every weekday afternoon at 4 : 20 . HAAAAAAAhahahahhahaaaaaaaaaaa ! ! ! Anywho , I bring this up because I heard a song on WNCW today that I wanted to share . Don 't ask me why today , as I 've heard this song several times before . It 's by James McMurtry , who is faily indescribable . Imagine someone whose lyrics are social commentary like Dylan but sounds gravely like the guy who sang " Convoy " . Oh , and he looks like a cross between Weird Al and Zappa . . . After taking this picture , I packed them back up into their bag , sealed it back up , and placed them back on the shelf . We 'll check on them next week . At this rate , I 'm pretty confident that they 'll still be relatively un - rotten . Posted in General Commentary Others might be more familiar with the concept of a mini - EF , but I choose to call it a slush fund . It 's a couple hundred bucks I keep in my local savings account . If there 's a minor emergency , it 's there . If there 's something I need to buy but the actual money for it is in online savings ( like car maintenence or medical expenses ) , I can use the slush fund to cover me until the money arrives from New York . Well , Saturday one of my kitties came in the house limping . He plays like a big bad @ $ $ but doesn 't like to fight other animals , and there are multiple toms in the area who could have beat him up . As the weekend went on he was putting less and less weight on it and meowing at me pitifully to make it all better with a can of sardines . I tried to get a good look at it , but nearly lost a limb in the process . Apparently he 's only a bad @ $ $ when it comes to people . . . So , this morning I took Samson to the vet . First , BIG KUDOS to the vet clinic near my house . Apparently they don 't take walk - ins anymore , but were happy to fit me in since this morning 's first appointment had canceled . Granted , Samsom meowing from the depths of the cat carrier like he was about to die surely helped get us through the hoops . No worries , though , he was only meowing like that because he was actually in the cat carrier , not because of the wound . Next time I 'll carry him to the vet in a gift bag : for some reason , he really digs that and doesn 't get nearly as freaked out . They gave me lots of advice , antibiotic drops , wound wash , and a bag full of gauze . My total ? Fifty five dollars . Did I mention I love my vet clinic ? So , even though the total isn 't that big , the Slush Fund comes to the rescue and does what it does best : pay for life 's little unknowns . Now , Samson is at the house nursing his injured pride while my other two cats laugh at his shaved foot . I got the first round of antibiotics in him , which was no easy feat : the stuff smells like fake bananas and can 't be hidden in anything . BAH ! Washing the wound didn 't turn out too well . We 'll take another crack at it tonight : it 'll involve me , DH , and a pair of welding gloves . Posted in General Commentary OK , well , not really . But , DH surprised me with a gift certificate w / the hairdresser for our anniversay . I hadn 't been in 2 years ( since the day after we were married , actually ) , and the hair guy finally believed me when I said I didn 't care what he did with it . My only rules are 1 ) Either long enough I can pull it all back or short enough it 's off my neck 2 ) I don 't ' do ' my hair , it needs to be socially acceptable without blowdrying , straightening , curling , etc . 75 minutes later , I left 20 inches and about 3 pounds lighter . Of the 20 inches , 16 was cut off in one fell swoop to be donated to Locks of Love . Everyone seems to like it , and I 'm just happy it 's short enough that it 's off my neck for the summer . The kicker ? My hair grows almost an inch a month ( ACK ! ) , so it won 't last long . . . Recent money karma includes a free night in a 4 star hotel in Atlanta last weekend . How ? I finally had enough rewards points with the Sheraton from my trip to Argentina and last year 's anniversary trip . Money karma struck again this past Friday , with free tickets to the Elton John concert . DH 's boss gave them to him , and while the seats were in the nosebleed section , they were in direct line with the stage . Great show for $ 10 in parking and $ 8 ( allowance money ) for a bratwurst and soda for me . And the final intallment of money karma : our microwave bit the big one . Absolutely kaput . Just the sort of thing our little emergency slush fund is for ! So , Sunday saw us in the appliance store purchasing the biggest model they have ( on sale and with a $ 10 mail in rebate too ! ) . We bought this one b / c it 's the one DH picked out . It only took him 4 hours to say it was too big and too loud and he wanted to take it back for the smaller version . You know , the one I liked that happened to cost $ 30 less and still had the same rebate . . . No worries , except the folks at the appliance store acted like they 've NEVER given a cash refund . It took 3 people . . . In the end , though , we walked out with our new microwave , our extra $ 31 . 50 after tax , and our $ 10 rebate form . And how does this fit into money karma ? The price we paid for the first microwave was within FIVE DOLLARS of what we would have paid for the night in the hotel in Atlanta . See ? Money Karam , it does exist . * I am almost fininshed formatting the book for a friend that I mentioned ages ago . There 've been so many delays , we 've been working on this for almost a year . I just want to have it done ! * I finished the lingerie website and got paid for it ! ! ! BIG WOOHOO ! ! ! * I discovered something TRULY CREEPY ( wait , is it supposed to be bizarrely creepy BA ? ) in my kitchen today . It deserves an entry of it 's own and that one is coming up next . Posted in General Commentary As many of you know , I used to work for a major telephone company : first as a Customer Service Agent and then as a trainer . I 've decided it 's time to share a little about how phone customer service works . While these are based on experiences from only one major corporate player , I 'm pretty confident that they apply to almost any phone - in customer service . 1 . Reps might sound scripted , and sometimes it 's because they are . There is verbiage a rep is required to use for legal reasons in some situations , and there 's no ' conversational ' way to to cover some of the finer legal - ese . 2 . Agents are required to apologize . More importantly , they usually can 't just say " sorry " or " I 'm sorry " because it can be interpreted as unprofessional or sarcastic . Therefore , you 'll hear the ubiquitous " I apologize " . 3 . You will not speak to a supervisor or manager when you ask for one . Trust me : you don 't want to , since actual managers and supervisors don 't handle customer accounts and likely wouldn 't know what to do with one if they had to . Managers and sups handle HR issues , not accounts , and if you actually do get one on the phone all they will do is talk to you and then give the account information to one of their reps to have them handle the situation . 4 . If you 've asked to speak w / a manager or supervisor and get transfered , you are likely speaking to what is known as " Second Level Support " . It 's OK , 2nd level support usually has more access and leeway to handle an account , not to mention a higher credit limit . 5 . The amount of time you will wait when an agent asks you to hold will vary based on which level of support you 're speaking with . First level support can usually place a customer on hold a minute or two ; 2nd and third level for 3 - 5 minutes ( per hold ! ) . 6 . Reps are goaled for how long they are on the phone with you , and like hold - time this also varies based on which deparment you 're speaking with . It also varies based on which options you chose in the automated menu . Typical call goals range from 180 seconds ( 3 minutes ) to 640 seconds ( almost 11 minutes ) . Choosing the wrong option at the automated menu in order to get a rep faster penalizes the rep . 7 . If you are invited to mail or fax your request to customer research , 9 times out of 10 you 're being sent into a black hole . 8 . Cursing and yelling don 't help the cause . In fact , if you 're speaking with a rep who doesn 't intend to stay on the job , you could wind up with a truly messed up account . 9 . Not every company assigns " rep IDs " , " operator numbers " , or " extensions " . The only ' number ' that got associated between me and your account was my SSN , and there 's no way I 'm giving you that . I could give you the extension of the phone unit I was using on this call , but that 's not tied to me in any way . If it 'll make you feel better , though , that 's the ' extension ' you get . 10 . Reps are leery of giving out their info over the phone , too . We were required to give first name , last name , and location when I was first on the phones . I received a death threat from someone about 20 minutes into a call after he 'd requested that information . No big deal , except he only lived an hour and a half away . 11 . Absolutely everything is computerized . There is no magic button the rep can push to turn on your phone , cell phone , cable , power , water , etc . 12 . Reps are required to give you a timeframe when they do something . It might be a stupid timeframe , but Legal says they have to . So , when a rep says you 'll see a credit in 1 - 3 invoices , it 's because they have to . 13 . Not every call is monitored for quality purposes , the system is random . With that said , if you 're a rep : know the quality deparment can almost certainly focus on just one person at a time if they see a need . I know we did . Posted in General Commentary We got home tonight at about 6 : 30 and immediately noticed that the cover was gone from DH 's motorcycle . Uh - oh . . . The bike has an alarm on it with a bump and tilt sensor , so we 're having a bear of a time figuring out how they got the cover off without setting off the alarm , but such is life . Walked in the house and all was well until DH went to the back door . While the lock was still turned properly in the knob , the door itself was no longer latched . Luckily we have a chain at the base of the back door . Also bought a 3 pack of battery operated door / window sensors . The only real possible entry points for our house are a window in the back about 4 feet off the ground and that back door . All the other windows are too high off the ground except for 3 in the very front of the house , and those came with decorative / protective wrought iron gratings . Plus they 're in the front , like I said , so two of my three retired neighbors can see them . . . The good news , everybody , is that this is where money karma rears its wonderful head again . See , I sat down and did the final draft of my taxes , and will owe about $ 400 less than I had budgeted . Good news , since the cost of a new door , deadbolt , 3 pack of sensors , lockbox for our keys , and possibly a small safe will be , oh , right about $ 400 ! Gotta love money karma ! Posted in General Commentary So far so good : I haven 't bought any . Woohoo ! ! ! I might have to buysome new sunscreen in case what I have expired , but that 's it so far . None here either ! But , I did buy a Day Timer kinda thing that I can keep notebooks in , along with a calendar and contact list . This way , I can carry around the notebooks I have all to meetings etc without looking utterly disheveled . Bought a pair of brown boots and black heels in February , but have set aside 4 pairs of shoes for Goodwill to make up for the 2 pair I brought into the house . Not too bad , seeing as I had ' allowed ' myself hiking boots , dress boots , and a pair of heels in the original post . . . Nail Polish and Care Bought a new mascara . Still not satisfied , but for a buck at Dollar Tree it 's still not a bad deal : easier to put on than the $ 5 a tube Mabelline stuff , and looks better too . Just doesn 't stay on my lashes real well : makes me look slightly racoonish after 8 hours . Bah ! Posted in General Commentary On the financial front , things are pretty much on auto - pilot . This is a beautiful thing in my world , as it means the only things I actually have to keep up with are 1 ) the monthly check to my inlaws and 2 ) grocery money . Everything else is set to pay itself . I 've held onto my tax money as long as possible , so now it 's time for me to finish the paperwork , write the man a check , and watch my bank balance deplete horrifically . At least it will be done and off the list . . . Easter was interesting ( in a good way ) and a bit stressful ( actually , also good ) . Anyone remember the Thanksgiving fiasco ? Well , Easter turned into pretty much a replay of that . No body else wanted to have it at their house , so mine got nominated . Seeing as we had cleaned out and canceled a storage building between TG and now , the living room and dining room were a freak show of junk . In order to clean it up , we needed to finish out the attic space we have upstairs . Technically it was finished out 30 - 40 years ago , but it was in bad shape with insulation peeking out and what not , so it needed a redo . So , Friday my office closed early and DH and I started demo and got 2 / 3 of the plywood up on the walls and ceiling . Not bad for 5 hours of work ! Saturday we went to his parents house to pick up a carpet remnant , and he finished the other 2 walls and layed down the carpet whilst I went about making the den and kitchen publicly presentable . In other news , Easter dinner consisted of a free Honey Baked Ham . DAd had a gift cert for a 7 lb ham and they were out . Instead of downgrading us , the cashier pulled out an 11 lb ham , marked it as 7 lbs with a green sticker , and sent us on our way . That was a $ 70 ham ! ! ! Maybe that 's why everyone wants to have holiday meals at my house : I always wind up getting the entree for free Other than that , I 've been dealing with contractor 's drama with regards to the website I was asked to work on . Not the site itself , that 's turning out fine . But , the customer 's webhost was being miserable , and we had to jump ship . Since I couldn 't find a place for her site that had all the features I needed and the pricing she wanted , I did the logical thing : created my own web hosting site . GAH ! ! ! ! Actually , I can 't really complain . So far I 'm enjoying the experience of getting everything set - up , and it 's something good for me to learn . While I only have the one client now , I have a handful of folks locally who are looking for a new home online that I might be able to grab . Combine that with what I would pay for hosting my sites at another company , and it starts to make sense . At any rate , you 've now been introduced to the power of Cascading Style Sheets , or CSS . All CSS does is tell browers how to display information ( ie colors and placement ) , but it doesn 't change the information itself . All your blog data is there safe and sound , waiting for Jeff and Nate to change the style sheet back . Ya 'll are going to change it back , right ! ? ! ? ? Posted in General Commentary We intend to refinance this fall with my credit union , getting a better interest rate and pulling approximately 10k in equity out of the house . At that point we will upgrage the heat and air system , put a new roof on the den ( an addition from the 60s ) , and possibly update the kitchen and bathrooms . If we hold it another 5 years , we should be able to about double our money . . . It rained pretty much all of yesterday , and went from 78 earlier this week to 32 last night . ACK ! But we needed the rain , and now the world look sbright and freshly scrubbed . Anywho , I got an email from my former boss yesterday , the one that left the company in January . He asked me to help build a website for a friend of his who is selling her real life stores and moving to the internet so she can spend more time with her kids . Cool . Since she already has a client base there 's a lot of opportunity here to design business cards , postcards , T shirts , etc . for the new site . The business ? They 're ( ahem ) lingerie stores , more Freddie 's than Vickie 's if you know what I mean . Personally I don 't have a problem with it , but it does take some explaining when I 'm browsing around trying to find a comparable layout I like online ! Not to mention I 've been having a bear of a time finding a good font and color scheme : everything clashes no matter what I pick . Oh well , when the going gets tough the tough apparently have to browse online lingerie shops for inspiration . Boy is my life weird ! Posted in General Commentary Long story short , I ate so much my pants started to fit properly again ! Things are settling back down to normal and the pants are reverting back to ' too baggy ' like they were before , but it was nice while it lasted . The highlight of all my meals was an appetizer called Hell - Fire Shrimp served with cilantro sour cream . YUM ! Birthday gifts included meals from friends and my father , a pot of daffodils from my mother , car seat covers from DH ( which I asked for , don 't down the gift ! ) , and $ 45 in cash . Woohoo , best haul in years ! Rumor has it I 'll be getting a gift card from my SIL and her boyfriend , which is a very unexpected suprise . Since the things I actually want are a bit on the pricey side ( a $ 900 camera , $ 85 tripod , and $ 100 wide - angle lens ) , DH suggested they get me a gift card , and I think me told them to make it for office supplies . Alas , that is my guilty , shameful pleasure : the clearance aisle at Office Depot ! Who knows what goodies await me ! Today is payday in Tina - land , which is always fun . I get paid 2x per month as opposed to DH 's every other week , which means he gets the ubiquitous ' unbudgeted extra paycheck ' twice a year . This month will be the first one , and it 's going straight to the Slush Fund ( aka a mini - EF in the world of others ) . He and I have re - discussed how much we want to have readily available for actual need - cash - now emergencies , and we 've decided we 're comfortable with a couple of hundred . It 's enough to get us out of town , pay for a car repair , pay for new tires , or pay our medical co - pays if we both had to go to the emergency room and get prescriptions . After this month 's extra pay - check , the Slush Fund should be sitting pretty . In related news , I also have the money set aside for us to pay Uncle Sam his due in April . Bah ! I 'm holding onto that money until the very last minute to earn as much interest as possible , dag nabbit ! Since it 's the middle of the month , I also took in my personal money for the $ 20 challenege . This time I took in paper only , since I 'm all but out of coin wrappers . No worries , though : my bank gives out wrappers for free so I left with an envelope full ! YAY ! The nice teller even gave me the paper strips you wrap around bundles of bills . Guess that 's what happens when you deposit 92 bucks in ones ! My Challenege ( challenged ? ) account currently stands at 453 . 59 - 145 . 97 in purchases = $ 337 . 20 . Remember , I 'm trying to use my money to make money , so the Challenge ( d ) Account is what I use to purchase materials or items I use for freelance stuff . Purchases so far are a backpack photographer 's bag , a hard case for my memory sticks , my web hosting , and incense supplies . As mentioned above my wish list is a bit pricey right now , but I might go ahead and get the wide - angle lens and tripod as these two items will make it easier for me to get involved in real estate photography . My other option is to sell my current camera , 2 memory sticks , macro lens , telephoto lens , and filters for about $ 500 and combine that with my saved money to get the camera I want . Sadly , that would leave me without a decent tripod , telephoto lens , macro lens , or wide - angle lens , or even compatible memory , which means I would be back at square one . Cannon DSLR , I love you but you 're going to have to wait a while . . . * sniff * Last Saturday DH and I went to his parents ' house to pick up his skeet thrower as he will be skeet shooting with friends of ours tomorrow or this weekend . He wanted me to go skeet shooting with them , which might be fun except for the fact that I 've never shot a shotgun , much less at a moving 4 " diameter target . Talk about setting yourself up for failure ! Anywho , his parents live in a rural area on several acres and they have a 100 yard shooting range on their property . Price , BA , I thought of you as I typed that sentence ! He had me shoot the shotgun to see if I would be comfortable enough to shoot skeet , and * begin sarcasm * suprisingly enough I wasn 't * end sarcasm * . Yeah , seriously : who 's going to be comfortable shoot a shotgun the first time ? Anyone ? Bueller ? Anyone want to try a moving target their first time ? Duh . . . . While we were there he wanted me to shoot his 9 and his 45 so I 'll at least know what I 'm doing if push came to shove . Believe me , this is a whole ' nuther conversation in and of itself so I 'll just drop that subject and proceed to the results . Apparently I 'm quite good with a gun , but as someone who 'd only shot a handgun once before I don 't know if that 's true or not . The first shot with the 45 was pure luck and hit dead center in the target at about 10 yards . HA ! The rest with the 45 were nothing to write home about : it 's too big for my hand and as a double - action trigger is just hard for me to shoot . The 9 , however , was a different story . Out of 20 shots at 10 yards , all were within the 8 ring and about a quarter were within the 9 ring . I 'm told this is good , but if you know please chime in ! Well , most know that I 'm slowing working on getting the photography bit up and running . So far I 've receive no responses from the emails I 've sent , but our weather is starting to perk up and I think that will offer more opportunities for pictures . I 'm debating about making some prints to see if those would sell or not , but I 'm still on the fence . I 've made and dried 600 sticks of Dragon 's Blood incense and sold half of them in bulk packs already . I also tested the 12 other sample fragrances I got in the mail : only one will work well for incense , so I 'm going to try to think of something easy / cheap / sellable to do with the rest . Unfortunately , that 's the way incense works : just because an oil smells good in the bottle doesn 't mean it 'll smell good burning , and the only way to test is to buy an ounce and go for it . If it doesn 't work out , you 're left with an ounce of stuff and nothing to do with it . Or , in my case , about 20 ounces between this batch and the last batch of testing . . . Something else I 'm on the fence about : selling incense on Etsy . com . . . There are only so many places in South Carolina to sell the stuff ! I was invited to become a Cha Cha guide ( thanks Autumn ! ! ! ) , which might wind up bringing in some money down the road . I 've gone through some of the training , but need to finish it before I actually begin earning money . We 'll see how it goes ! Another avenue I 'm persuing is ' crowdsourced software ' development with Cambrian House . Basically , it 's kinda like Saving Advice for computer geeks If you have an idea for some neat kind of software , you post it there and people vote on it . If you get enough votes , you 're entered into a monthly challenge ( IdeaWarz ) . If you win the challenge , you win $ 10 , 000 and a tee - shirt WOW , a tee shirt ! Seriously , you get to keep a grand of the money , and the other 9k is used as ' seed money ' : you pay the other members of the site to help you build your project . When the project is built , Cambrian House markets it and you and the other developers earn royalty money ( and of course the website makes money off of it , too ) . Better built projects sell better , earning everyone more royalty money . . . It 's a long shot , but I submitted an idea anyways because I think it would be a useful , useable service , not to mention I want to win 10 grand ! I 've since been invited to work on someone else 's project doing high level strategy and product development . For the uninitiated , that 's tech speak for I get to tell them what I would want the software to do if I were a user , then they build it that way ! Too Cool ! Add to this some ongoing research for the articles I 'm writing , and TADA : that 's what 's been eating my time . Hopefully some or all of these ventures will pan out and result in some additional income , maybe even some passive income in the form of royalties . Hans Gruber said it best " by the time they figure out what went wrong , we 'll be sitting on a beach earning 20 percent " . Wait , maybe that first part isn 't good when talking about developing software . Unless your last name is Gates Posted in General Commentary , First on spices : most know that I rant and rave ( ok , not exactly ) about buying spices in bulk versus getting them at the dollar store , etc . I promise you , they definitely taste better . Moreover , chances are you will STILL get a better financial deal , and today I have proof ! Long story short : they will not replace my normal natural store ( yay , local business ! ) , but they do have the Italian seasoning I want . Specifically , I bought a pre - packed quarter pound of herbs for $ 2 . 29 before tax , which works out to be about 57 cents per ounce . Check the bottles you buy from the dollar store : I 'm willing to bet a quarter that they 're a buck for about half an ounce , aka 4 times the price ! The picture below is to give you an idea of just how much 4 ounces of herb actually is . I 'd already refilled my spice jar when I took this picture , too ! Assuming I just use this to cook , rather than making gifts with it like I normally do , this will last me more than a year . And now , coupon ethics . My grocery store has a setup where you scan your own groceries as you shop , then go to self checkout , scan your coupons , pay and leave . Pretty nice ! I scanned a coupon today that rang up fine , and I looked at it and it expired yesterday . ACK ! ! ! So , if the self checkout will accept expired coupons , do you think it is OK to use them , or should I just trash them ? Opinions , please ! Posted in General Commentary Just wanted to let ya 'll know I 'll be doing an ongoing series of articles on nifty free things in the online world called Friday Freebies . Jeffrey is posting them on PFAdvice . com , but I don 't if they 'll make their way over to the forums so I wanted to give a heads up here . Check it out , there might be some neat stuff you never knew existed Posted in General Commentary , Despite the title , I promise , I 'm not an ego maniac . See , my birthday and my sister 's birthday are 4 days apart . Technically , 2 years 4 days , but we 're talking a standard calendar here . So ever since we were little , this has been the week of birthday in my household . Lot 's of family time , silliness , and FOOD ! ! ! This year , The Week of Birthday is just perfectly timed . Mine is today , my sister 's is Friday , and we each get a weekend wrapper . Woo Hoo ! ! ! A family friend from Manchester , England was in town last week for business . Saturday he took me and my mom out to lunch at Red Lobster . John won 't let anyone pay for meals , so score my first freebie ! I spent the rest of the day at the cigar store with my mom , dad , DH , and a variety of customer 's . We watched the eclipse from the parking lot , which was just too neat . My parents have arranged to take us all eat at the restaurant next door on Wednesday ( right between the 2 birthday 's , see how the timing works ? ) . Around 6 : 30 my mom and I started looking over the menu to decide what we 'd order on Wednesday . Turns out our lunch had worn out and the menu was just taunting us , so we ordered 7 appetizers for me , DH , the parents , and the customer in the store ( also a family friend ) . YUM tasty , and at a discount to boot ( it pays to be friends with the chef and order through the back door ) . Score another free meal ! Yesterday , my sister called and offered to take me and DH out to the German buffet in return for using the truck to carry a load to their house from Home Depot . More free food ! ! ! Today I 'm on a vacation day . Who wants to work on their birthday ? Today 's plans are up in the air , but I 'm pretty sure it will involve lunch with my mom . DH asked what I wanted for my birthday , and me and my practical self asked for car - seat covers . Once a frugie , always a frugie ! Posted in General Commentary Yup . George and Rene Zeilweger ( sp ? ) are in town filimg a movie , have been for the past month or two . DH saw Rene downtown at Starbucks and called me . Know what I said ? " Why were you at Starbucks ? " Part of downtown was blocked off yesterday so they could film there . Don 't ask me what a historic Westin hotel has to do with a football movie , but there they were . Which means they were about 1 mile from my house . Wonder if I 'll get ' discovered ' ? Odds are probably better than the lottery ! Maybe they 'll want to do a Laura Croft 3 and Angelina will be too expensive , so they 'll accept a shorter slightly pudgier alternative Posted in General Commentary Krispy Kreme in my area is now offering whole wheat doughnuts . Yes , you heard me right . Whole . Wheat . Doughnuts . Deep Fried Health Food ! ! ! We drove through Krispy Kreme intending to get a decaf and a free hot ' n ' now using our Valentine 's Day Krispy Kreme card . We left with the coffee and a mixed dozen of regular and whole wheat doughnuts . And you know what ? They 're GOOOOOOODDD ! ! ! Have kind of a brown sugar flavor to them . Wonder if they 're whole grain ? Any idea of the fiber content of a whole wheat doughnut ? Posted in General Commentary

I will let Sherri fill in all the details later , but I wanted to help her post photos since she is having computer issues . Sherri is doing her best to keep everyone updated , but her time is obviously short . The girls are keeping her on her toes and of course there is also all the red tape to deal over the next few days . I am sure she will post very soon , but until then please know that she appreciates all the love and support she is receiving from you . Everyone is doing great , but as anyone that has done this knows , there are simply not enough hours in the day to post , parent or simply breathe . Best wishes , Kim C It is Sunday morning here in China . We were awake at 4am and the sun was shining by 5am . But I think we are feeling much less of the jet lag burn today . Today is Delilah Day ! Unbelievable ! At 3pm we will meet her in a conference room here at the hotel . I wanted to write a little bit about how I feel in these final hours before our family is made richer by the spirit of Dang Nan . I 'm not nearly as stressed as I was when we adopted Cami . I remember waking up that morning feeling like I really didn 't know how I would get through the day . I felt exhausted and unsure I was really the one for the job ! On the day we met Cami we spent the morning at Walmart . . . . . . nothing like a morning at the five story Nanchang Walmart to make one feel strung out ! When we traveld to Civil Affairs to meet Cami , she was sitting on a little bench , swinging her legs , looking so scared . I loved her at first sight . I think we all did . What will be the same on this day ? And what will be different . First of all , no Walmart ! We will head down to breakfast as soon as the buffet opens . Then maybe we 'll take Cami swimming this morning . Just a relaxing day . I have matching backpacks that I 'll pack with identical toys and let Cami give on to Delilah , so I need to work on that . I packed all the little items in nooks and crannies of the suitcases ! I 'm sure as the hours pass and the time grows closer , the butterflies will start , but for now , I feel simply peace . Last night we ate dinner at a local and authentic noodle house . This neighborhood restaurant is where all the local people eat and that is the best way to find good food . Our guide ordered a variety of food for us and it was all wonderful . We had pork and tofu stirfry , egg drop soup , noodles ( the best I 've ever had ! ) , dumplings , spicy eggplant , tea , and the most amazing dessert , some kind of fried milk with sprinkles on top , which was served in the middle of the meal to the delight of children and adults alike . We did not partake of the sheep 's head , but I couldn 't resist taking a picture . I feel more ChinaCalling We had a great start to our trip . Lauren ( dd 22yo ) drove us to the airportwhich was such a luxury compared to parking in the long term lot and draggingour heavy luggage onto a shuttle . First five minutes inside though , and I 'm in trouble . When they say the bagscan weigh 50 pounds each at United , they mean EACH . They don 't give you creditfor having one bag weigh 35 pounds and one weigh 55 . So there I am , in the middle of the airport check in desk trying to transferitems to different bags to balance out the weight . Wouldn 't you know it , thefirst thing I pull out is my VS panties . ( these things are legendary onFacebook ) . Luckily they are all space bagged up so no one but me knows whatthey are . Otherwise I 'm switching around my jelly belly 's since someone told methey were heavy . The tough part was that the only bag with any real room in itwas the one we brought to donate in China to China Little Flower . . . . . and I didnot want my panties going that direction . Note to self . . . . . no matter what , don 't forget to get panties back . On to a quick bagel breakfast and it 's time to head to our gate . . Now thingsstart to get interesting . The main difference in this trip and the trip toadopt Cami is that this time we have a three year old with us . Why did thatsmall detail fail to register with me . LOL ! What is hard to endure as anadult becomes the far reaches of hell for a child . I 'm going to explain our 24 hours of travel with numbers . . . . . . . You can playalong and guess if you want . Some of you will know the answers . How many minutes on the runway before the captain came on to say there was amechanical problem with the plane . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57How many mechanics banging around under our seats before the captain came backto say everything was fine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3How many times on a twelve hour flight does the seatbelt have to come on due toturbulence ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24And how do I know that ? Because that 's how often traveling 3yo has to go potty . . . . . as soon as theinstructions are given to stay in our seats . By the end , the flight attendantsPosted by Today was important because it was the last day I planned to do errands . I started at Old Navy where I found great new markdowns on clothes to take to Serena at China Little Flower . Being the mom of a micro preemie , I 'm glad to have found this way to support those who are caring for the youngest and smallest babies in China . I have a huge duffel bag ready to go to them . Someone from the organization is meeting us outside customs in Beijingand we will hand over the big wheeled suitcase full of toys , diapers , and medicines . My second and final stop was Walgreens . I found some good deals on Fish Oil capsules and Multi - vitaminswhich seem to be the gift of choice these days . I spent way too much money and time engaged in the gift buying . People say not to worry . I don 't know why I can 't help myself . I keep thinking of something moreor better . Is this Traveler 's OCD ? The rest of the day was spent repacking a suitcaseand not really accomplishing much else . I 'm afraid the next two days will be equally as lame . But I have all my children homeand sometimes running interferencewith a house full of teenagers / young adultsand a three year old who is very sensitive to mood changesis enough to fill a day ! So another day done . Before I know it , I 'll be counting in hours , not days . Cami is sleeping with pigtails in her hair tonightbecause . . . . . . . she says that is what Delilah does . So we shall see . . . . . . . Seems like time is moving so fast these days . Hope it still feels this way when we get on that long , long flight to China ! Today was a good day . The girls ' suitcase is completely packed and zipped up , ready to go . My suitcase is about half ready . The rest of the packing should be easy . The hard part of deciding what to take has been done . I need to spend a few hours tomorrow going over the paperwork and making sure we have copies of everything we might need while in China . I 'll try to organize the documents so they are easy to find and light to carry . They have to go with us everywhere , if my memory is correct . Delilah has moved away from her foster parents home . She is required to spend seven days in the orphanage who has outlined her care while her adoption paperwork is processed . I 'm so sorry she had to leave the family that obviously loved her very much . I 'm sad for them , wondering if they have seen her for the last time . I hope we will be able to continue a relationship and stay in touch . It 's hard at such a great distance , but I will do whatever I can to help Delilah retain this hugely important life history . Four days until we leave . Our travel clothes are hanging in anticipation . Tomorrow there will be more jobs and more moments of panic when I think I 've forgotten something important . But this day is complete and I 'm tired and looking forward to Hibachi steak for dinner and an early night in bed reading " The Hour I First Believed " by Wally Lamb . This is a such a large book . . . . . not something I can take on the trip . So I 'm trying to finish it this week . Today is Friday , less than a week until we board the plane for China . I 'm trying to stay focused , to keep life as normal as possible here , and try to also accomplish lots of errands and packing everyday . A couple friends sent packages of dresses for " my girls " and I got some shots of Cami trying a few on . I had to bribe her with a pack of gum though , so enjoy the modeling . . . . LOL . Today I found out that now there will be three families from our agency meeting up in Guanghzhou . That is really exciting for us since we traveled alone for Cami . I also received updated measurements for Delilah . If they are to be believed , Cami will be getting a BIG sister , not a little sister . According to the information , Delilah weighs 39 pounds and she is 38 inches tall . And she isn 't yet three years old . I 'm hoping these are old numbers , her weight in a winter coat , perhaps ? And I only care because I don 't want to take a suitcase of clothes that are too small . I guess that is just one of the joyful surprises we will experience . I remember the first time I held Cami and thought , " She 's so tiny , but so heavy " . My plan to update daily was a good plan . But somehow I lost a few days since my last update . Time is traveling at warp speed . On Sunday I packed the large duffle bag of donations we are taking . This bag will be picked up in Beijing by someone from China Little Flower . This group has a home in Beijing where they care for babies born prematurely or with club feet . They also serve as a hospice home for terminally ill babies . My family had donated many packs of preemie size diapers at Christmas and I think I 've found the perfect home for them ! Yesterday I took Cami for a haircut . I love her new style . Today I 'm heading out for what I hope is the last shopping venture before our trip . I need to buy a few more gifts , snacks , and I have a list of other little things , such as a hairbrush , shampoo , gum , duct tap . . . . . . Seriously , if we let it . . . . . the list could continue to grow and never be completed . But come what may , we will board a plane in eight more days . We will find our daughter , Delilah , at our destination . And we will be forever changed . We were happy to learn that we will be traveling with another family . They have a five year old daughter and I think they are adopting a two year old little boy . It will be so nice to share the experience with another family this time ! Happy Waiting Sister ! We are another day closer to meeting Delilah . Last night I stayed up later than usual reading " The Hour I First Believed " by Wally Lamb . Then Cami woke up about 3 : 30 and said she couldn 't sleep and she was thirsty . She was awake for about an hour . I still popped out of bed close to 6am , but I 'm feeling tired and I 'm reminded how important it will continue to be for me to get all the sleep I can in order to be a happy and energetic mom ! Cami slept in and Jillian was home with her so I could head out alone to do a few errands in the morning . I picked up our passports at the post office . We used a wonderful visa and document courier ! Denise Hope of There 's Always Hope came highly recommended and I couldn 't have been more pleased with her service . She answered my questions quickly and everything on her end was like clockwork . If you are going to be needing your visas soon , you should contact Denise . She has an unbeatable deal for adopting families ! You can also call Denise at ( 815 ) - 690 - 7035 . After the post office , I had to visit two banks . Then I stopped at our salon to pick up the shampoo I had paid for and left sitting on the counter ! Yes , I am slightly distracted these days . After that side trip , I trekked down to the public library and returned all our ( overdue ) library books and did not check anymore out ! While at the post office I purchased some of the new Simpson 's stamps to add to the gift bags we are making up for the foster family , nannies , notary , etc . in China . I continued my run with a trip to Old Navy where I found matching swimsuits for the little girls . I also found two pairs of pants for myself so I have everything I need for packing my clothes . This day passed quickly . I accomplish a few little things . There is still much to do . I can hardly believe we will leave for China in 13 days . Mark says we could leave tomorrow and be fine . I say we have a thousand things still to be done ! ! ! ! Yesterday I got my China hair cut . I shopped for gifts for the orphanage director , foster family , and other people we will meet along the way . I bought cute little assortment boxes of Jelly Belly Beans from Target . For the notary , I bought sticky notes , white out pens , and a smaller bag of jelly beans . I also bought a bag of Thor - Lo socks that will be tucked into the gift bags . They are made locally and my friends from China rave about them so maybe they don 't have such comfortable socks in China . . . . . ? I still want to order some American Ginseng to add to gift bags . Our visas and passports are being returned today . I think that is the last of the document work we need to do . 13 days . Every one of them will be busy . We have several more appointments on the calendar . And poor Mark is working long hours everyday , trying to get everything wrapped up so he can be gone for two weeks . I wish I could just spend my days shopping for cute dresses like the ones below . The flowers are hair clips ! I can 't wait to take the picture again with two girls inside the dresses . Our oldest daughter graduated from college this weekend . I treasure the rare photos we have of the entire family all together . We had hoped Delilah would be with us for the graduation . I remember thinking that it might be our first big outing . But she was missing and she was missed . Here is the whole big family waiting to bring Delilah home for good ! As I have written , the time we have been waiting for our Letter of Acceptance from China has grown long and we are weary of waiting . I have had many emotional responses to the seeming unfairness of our long wait and I 've even stooped so low as to wonder if this delay will continue forever and that Delilah was just a dream that will never be realized in our family . Ah , me of little faith ! Let me tell you a story , weave a tale of impossibilities , that has convinced me that God laughs when we start to think WE are in charge . Just after Christmas I went shopping at the winter sale at Old Navy . A friend of mine in Florida was planning to go on a mission trip to China . She has started a Shoe Mission for children in orphanages who often do not have properly fitting shoes , or even shoes at all . I purchased some shoes and socks to send her , along with a few items of clothing . One item specifically stayed in my memory because it was so cute that I bought one to send to China an done to keep for Cami to wear . This was a yellow and gray fleece lined long top with a hood . I bought a 2T and and 4T , meaning to keep the 4T for Cami . I " accidentally " sent the larger top off to my friend and so the one I had for Cami was really too small . As my friend made her final preparations for her trip , I was interested that she would be visiting the China Care office in Beijing . China Care is the organization that provided funds for Delilah 's surgery last year . They work in Inner Mongolia , but their main office is in Beijing . There is at least 700 miles between there offices and they care for hundreds of children , if not thousands . My friend has been home less than two weeks now . As my agency has continued to unravel the puzzle of our long wait for our LOA , they requested an health update and the orphanage sent some photos for me . When I opened the photos I was amazed that Delilah was wearing a shirt like Cami had in her closet . There aren 't any Old Navy stores in China . Mostly I was just thrilled as always to see her shining happy face . BuPosted by This post is part of " Hi / Lo Thursday " on the Riggs Family Blog . Check out their blog to read everyone else 's " Hi / Lo " posts and get your link on their site . This is my first time participating in Hi - Lo Thursday . The idea is to get people sharing the best and the worst of their weeks as we celebrate and comfort one another . My low for this Thursday is that we are still waiting on our Letter of Acceptance to arrive . For 135 days our adoption of Delilah has been at a stand still that we can do nothing about . I don 't know what happen with our paperwork . But such a long wait is the exception , not the rule right now . So we continue to wait . And we hope we will be able to travel at the end of May if there isn 't to much longer of a delay . The High news to report for this Thursday is that Mark and Kegan celebrated their birthdays this week . We are all healthy and happy , and our hearts are prepared to bring home a new sister and daughter . For the month of February , we were able to send a donation of $ 40 to Annabelle 's Wish . I feel an affinity to this organization because it was started by a family following the adoption of their daughter . I think about the children left behind in China everyday . So many of them will not have a chance for a family of their own . I am constantly looking for ways to help eliminate the suffering of children who are hungry or cold , or who need medical care . Annabelle 's Wish has several different programs and a variety of opportunities for offering care to the children in China . You can sponsor a child in foster care . For just $ 25 a month , a child will be given housing , clothing , education and medical care . Other specific ways you can help are to sponsor a baby for cleft lip repair surgery . There are educational sponsorships for orphan children who can have a chance at a future if they learn a skill or trade before leaving the orphanage . The newest program at Annabelle 's Wish is providing clean drinking water for the orphanage . For only $ 10 , a child can have clean water to drink for an entire year ! Let this be my challenge to you ! If you are reading this post and feel your heart is heavy when you think of the children waiting in China , please go right now and donate $ 10 for clean drinking water ! I can 't think of anything more amazing that can be done for $ 10 ! www . annabelleswish . infowww . annabelleswish . blogspot . comAnnabelle 's Wish , IncPO Box 210003Nashville TN 37221Of course this is a 501c3 organization and your donation is tax deductible . I hope you will visit the website , take a look around , and find a way you think you can help . And please , if you donate $ 10 for clean water , or anything else . . . . leave me a COMMENT and let me know ! ! ! ! I 'd love to hear from you . Along with many other waiting families , we were hoping to receive word of the arrival of our Letter of Seeking Confirmation ( LOSC aka LOA ) before the Chinese Spring Festival or New Year of the Ox celebrations began becausethe Chinese Adoption government office ( CCAA ) closes for a week or two during this time . We watched . We waited . But no news came . Now I suddenly find that soon the CCAA will be back at work and we can begin again waiting for that magical letter to arrive , and it should be soon for us . You can view our counter in the right hand column to see how many days we 've been waiting since our dossier was logged . Meanwhile , I have found a unique way to pass the time and to actually enter into a time warp so as to bypass the disappointment of not receiving our LOA before CNY . I 've been quite under the weather with fever and infection . Not feeling up to much at all . After trying several medications , I finally ended up in the hospital and they had some tricks up their sleeves , which finally have me on the way to recovery . Poof ! A couple weeks have passed . What is this waiting people complain about ! LOL ! The same thing happened to me during our wait for Cami . It must be my " labor " . A friend who was adopting at the same time commented that I never seemed to be bothered by the wait . I confessed that being sick has a way of putting me into survival mode and time moves differently . I 'm sure someone out there understands what I 'm talking about . Today I 'm happy to be healthy and looking forward , into the days of Delilah dancing into our home . Good health is such a gift and I will spend my life helping it be the birthright of as many children as possible . I hate to think of anyone suffering ongoing pain and sickness if there is something that can be done to help them . I know there are limits to how many children I can help by finding funding for surgery or nutritional formula , but I will do as much as I can , and for someone , I hope , it will make a difference . This month 's collection of coins and change yielded $ 40 . It was a good month . I think with the holiday shopping being done , there was more change laying around my house . My husband has gotten a good habit going of bringing his change from work straight to the collection box . I decided to send the money to Dr . Peggy Gurrad and Altrusa Foundation . This group works with orphanages in Jiangxi and that is the province Cami is from . Here is a snippet from their website . I 'm really interested in learning more about the Hugging Grannies . We asked that our donation be used for formula , or whatever need was the most pressing . You can read more at www . altrusa . ws " Currently , efforts are being focused on 24 orphanages in the Jiangxi province . Altrusa contributors are sponsoring 180 school tuitions for orphans , 279 children in foster care . We 've brought our staff of Hugging Grannies up to a total of 53 , to provide additional nurturing care for infants and pre - school activities for the children who remain in the orphanages . Another major focus of our organization is to bring life - saving surgeries , physical rehabilitation equipment , badly needed medical aid , vitamins , warm clothes , bedding , equipment , toys and learning materials to the children in these orphanages . " The day after Christmas , I began to plan a care package for Delilah . I contacted my friend Ann , at Red Thread China ( www . redthreadchina . com ) and asked if she could put together a pajama package for Delilah . ( My family will laugh because I practically live in pajamas ! What else would I send ? LOL ) Ann works quickly and is great about communicating every step of the way . She called the orphanage and asked for updated size information . As it turns out , Delilah might not be the " little " sister ! She is almost as big as Cami , and Cami a healthy girl ! As a result of the phone call , Ann received new pictures of Delilah to share with me . I was so excited . I really wasn 't expecting such a surprise . The package I ordered from Ann at Red Thread China was very reasonably priced . It included , as you can see below , an adorable pair of pajamas , a warm blanket , a little doll , candy for the foster family , a disposable camera , a photo album with pictures of us labeled in Chinese , and a translated letter . All this , along with the shopping , packing and shipping . Ann is an angel ! I hope to meet her when we are in China this time . Posted by

In early October , my son , David , had a colonoscopy because of abdominal pains and some bleeding . The GI thought it was IBS , or at the worst , Crohn 's Disease . WRONG . The cancer has metastasized - - three small lesions on his liver and one on each adrenal gland . The oncologist was quite blunt . He told my son that the cancer could not be cured , that it would be a battle , but that ultimately it was a battle he would lose . We were all numb ( and in mourning ) for a few days . My son would barely get out of bed . Now , I am MAD and ready to fight . How dare this doctor take away my son 's hope ? ! Needless to say , we are going to " fire " him and get a new doctor . It took two weeks of positive people and lots of prayers to convince my son that he has a fighting chance . He has had his first week of chemo ( four drugs at the infusion center , followed by 48 hours on a pump . We are now in the process of getting David into MD Anderson . We live in Austin , so the drive to Houston is not bad . I would like to hear from Stage 4 patients - - does anyone beat this disease ? What types of treatment have you had ? Thanks in advance for any insight and support you can provide . Log in or register to post comments As a matter of fact I just returned from my 3 year scan after being diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer in October of 2007 . I am currently NED ( no evidence of disease ) and doing great ! ! ! ! Please tell your son NOT to give up hope . . . . I am soooo mad at the doctor that took that away from him . Now lets get him in the fighting mode . I believe his age will actually help him be better equipped to fight this darn disease . You are doing the right thing by going to MD Anderson for another opinion . . . they have a great reputation and it is nice that they are close to your home . There are many others on here that are Stage 4 and survivng and living well . I am sure you will be hearing from them too . Please come here for support and question . . . your son too . . . Thank you , Dawn , for your optimistic response ! It gives me hope and helps me realize that we are not alone . Log in or register to post comments All I can add to the excellent previous comments is never ever give up . Your son is lucky to have your love . I hope you find doctors that say this is how we beat this illness . Keep looking till you do . At the moment I am focusing on relaxing and reducing stress and I think initial DX is probably the most stressful part of the cancer journey . First , I am so sorry to hear this . I do want to welcome you to the board . There are many here with a lot of love and experience to share . I can 't imagine how you must feel with what the doctor said to you . That is just a shame . Yes , people beat this disease . The American Cancer Society just opened a long term survivors board here especially for those people and a lot of them were orignally new comers on this very board . I won 't lie to you , stage IV is definitely a very serious diagnosis . But , I think that you 'll get a much different response from MD Anderson than you got from your first doctor . Some of the long term survivors are living with this cancer as a " chronic " disease and some have had very good results . Of course , we lose people to this disease also . But , you are early in your journey still and getting that 2nd opinion is very important . Please check out WhatsA _ Mom2do posts and information . Here is a link to her member page : http : / / csn . cancer . org / user / 130361 Her son will soon be 20 years old with stage IV colon cancer , also . I 'm sure she would love to chat with you as she has a heart of gold . You are not alone . Welcome , you have come to a good place . I am so sorry to here of your son 's diagnosis . There are many stage 4 survivors here . Some have been without evidence of disease for a long time , + some are still in the battle . My doctor told me " I don 't have a crystal ball " . Some are able to get rid of it + for others it is more like a chronic disease . I know two stage IV survivors who are 15 + and 22 + years from their diagnosis . It is good you are mad + ready to fight . Please tell your son we are cheering for him . Good luck at MD Anderson . Log in or register to post comments In my opinion , every day that we wake up and move forward is a day we beat this disease . Do we ever wonder if it will get worse or come back as a recurrance ? Sure we do , because there are no guarantees . Please suggest to your son that he also join the board here . These folks are great about sharing all they know and in giving the support that only one cancer survivor can give another . Not the type of club any of us wanted to join , but definately helps us through the tough spots of fighting . My brother had his colon removed with ileostomy in 1998 . He just retired and is enjoying life to the fullest . He had Chemo and Rad and felt like crap for a year or more , but with a few side effects , he is a happy and thankful man . Tell your son to go on this website and talk to the wonderful people here . If necessary , get him talking to another who can counsel him , either a patient or a counselor . Your son must have hope and go forward with a positive " I can beat this attitude " I am so sorry to hear this . He is so young to be going through this . Heck my doctor was shocked when he first met me . ( Im 37 stage 3 colon cancer ) He will be in my Prayers . Tell him to stay postive and fight this he can do it . It will be a rough road for all of you but stay strong and god will see you through this . Log in or register to post comments I am so sorry for your son 's diagnosis . The doctor was wrong to take away your son 's hope . Is the doc 's name " God " . Granted , Stage IV is bad , I won 't kid you but it is certainly not hopeless by any means . My hubby was diagnosed Stage IV with lots of liver and lung mets and that was 18 months ago . He continues to work full time and enjoy everything he did before diagnosis . Sure , chemo gets you down , especially fatigue for my George . MD Anderson is the # 1 facility in the country , second is Sloan in New York . Be sure to come back to the board with any and all questions you may have . Don 't worry about the terminology , we have all been there and will know what you mean . I 'm stage iv . 38 years old . Usually I 'm the " poor young guy in the conversation . " Not so this time and with WhatsA _ Mom2do . This just sucks for all of us . People do beat this . There are lots of long term survivors of stage iv on this board . I 'm planning to be one , but I ain 't there yet . I don 't know what to tell you about your doctor . I really like my oncologist . He 's smart , flexible , pays close attention to my disease and my body . He doesn 't try to fit me in to a category or ' own my disease . ' He is also the greatest hope sucker I 've ever met , and I actually love that about him . He has never let me ground my hope in falsities . He wants me to live well . It use to freak me out when he talked about " quality of life . " All I heard was , " End of life . " After a while I realized that his goal is the same as mine . Go for a cure , fight like hell , and love every minute I can . I also realized that whatever hope - Hope - I have lives in me . He can take his stats and shove ' em up his ass . I pretty much told him that and we had a laugh . I will keep your son in my prayers . Glad to hear you are going to MD Anderson . That was what I was going to recommend . The gastrointestinal team there is great . I had anal cancer but was treated by the same team that treats colon cancer . I met many survivors there coming back for check ups . This board will also be a source of great support . These are some of the strongest people I have ever met ( even though we never met in person ) . Fight ! God bless . Sorry to hear about your son . You need to tell him about us and get him on here to talk . When I first came to this board I was a sad case . I just knew I was going to die . . . and soon . . . and everyone . . including my family were just lying to me . . . . pacifying the poor little dying cancer patient . Yep . . . I was a mess . I was getting NO HOPE . . . no answers that soothed my fears . . . no one who really . . . I mean REALLY knew what I was going thru except THESE people . . . . They cried my tears . . . lived my fears . . . . and could feel my hurt . THEY reached out . . . . they were the ONLY people I believed . . . . they were in the nightmare . . . they had and continue to have . . . compassion for ME . . . this board and God . . . saved my life and continue to give me strength every day . I am stage IV . Click on my name and read my story . Just one more thing . . . . I know there are several people on here that speak highly of M . D . Anderson . I live in Illinois but went there for my second opinion . I was NOT impressed . . . not at all . So just because this place has a " reputation " does not mean they know it all . If I had listened to them I should have been dead last year . NO ONE . . . NO PERSON . . . in my opinion . . . knows how long you have on this earth . I don 't want to downplay MDA because they have done many fantastic things . . . . BUT . . . when I heard from them that there was really nothing I could do because I was so ate up with cancer . . . . I really took it to heart . . . I mean THESE are the top dogs . . . they know ! ! ! ! NOPE . . . moved on determined . . . because of the support from this board . . . . to WIN . . . to stay on TOP . . . NOT to die . . . NOT to let cancer win . . . . . your son can WIN too . . . and he will . If you are not happy with your second opinion . . . get another . . . and another . Don 't settle . . . You take care . Jennie , I second your opinion of MDAnderson . I also went to them and was discouraged . I saw Dr . Glover . I decided to come home for my treatment ( which is the exact treatment that MDAnderson offered ) and I 'm still kicking . I think it 's great to go for a second opinion but don 't wear yourself out commuting when it 's possible to get the same treatment in your hometown and you most likely won 't feel like " one of the herd " as I felt at Anderson . Log in or register to post comments @ Roger : WOW . . . I mean . . . really . Reading your note , I realized the ' mistake ' I had and my Mom . She would be 34 this year , but . . . I guess she gave up as she believed the doctors to " go home and enjoy life until she can " . And I guess I also made the mistake of somewhat believing that , although not fully as I fought hard for my Mom , and I told her she will not leave , but I should 've been more arrogant or pushie to get some sort of treatment . . . with the attitude you have , you 'll win ! I 'll be standing by the bleachers raising the flag for you all as you guys win and reach the target ! I am very proud of you and everybody on this board . . . you guys are ALL just great ! I really envy that you guys have what my Mom didn 't . . . hope . Good luck you all ! Log in or register to post comments I 'm so very sorry . Your news just breaks my heart . I have 2 grown kids I love very much , and I can 't imagine how I would deal with it . I 'm not a Stage 4 , but I do want you to know that I 'm praying for your son and for your family . Please let us know how his treatment progresses . You 'll find there are many people here who can give you lots of good advice about treatment centers , questions to ask , etc . You all are amazing ! I had never joined a discussion board before , so I was unprepared for all the quick and helpful responses . I will keep you posted on David 's journey . Even better , I hope to convince him to join . I think he would be uplifted by all of you . Log in or register to post comments Hi Cindy and glad you found this board . I am not stage IV so cannot answer a lot of your questions but I wanted to say " hi " and let you know that I will keep you and David in my prayers . There are many stage IV 's here who have survived many , many years and I hope they will see your post and chime in . Getting mad and ready to fight is good . I believe I 'd fire that doctor too . I DID fire my gastro . Hope is very important , hang onto it . My life truly has started over again , my zest for it , pretty unstoppable at this moment . After all , I was told to go home and die , but here I am , pretty sound ( body wise , the mind well , depending on who you talk to i . e . . . ex - husbands LOL ) and figure I 'm going to be here a long time , according to my onc , 5 years and a lot more won 't be an unexpected life span for me now . What a difference chemo and a few months makes . There are a few here that will recommend different diets , juicing , etc . , I didn 't change a thing , figure pretty much what I ate didn 't give me this cancer , and staying on my normal diet and foods I love has kept my spirit up . To imagine myself going veggie of some sort or juicing , just made me want to blanch . To still enjoy the foods I love ( I 'm a meat / potato / seafood lover and known veggie hater ) has helped me keep my good attitude about life . And my tumors have still shrunk unbelievably . Hi Cindy , and welcome to the board . My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer last November 13th . He was given a grim prognosis by the Doctors locally . We went for a second opinion at Loyola , a teaching hospital in Illinois and were given much more hope , help and encouragement . We have also found so much loving help and insight on this board and so I 'm glad you found your way here and I hope David does too . You are not alone in your battle ! I was diagnosed when I was 38 years old with Stage IV colon cancer . The first oncologist I went to was pessimistic and told me I had 2 years to live . We quickly went for a second opinion at Memorial Sloan Kettering and I met a much more optimistic oncologist who told me no one could predict the future , that she didn 't know how I would respond to treatment . I just saw my oncologist today and got the news that my 21 month scan was clean . That means I have been NED or in remission for 21 months ( I have been off chemo for 1 year ) . My oncologist told me that most recurrences happen in the first 2 years so she looks more to the 24 month scan as an indicator but I am thankfully getting close . My point is that the first doctor gave me no hope . The second doctor did give me hope . I found that hope was so important to how I approached treatment so I am glad that you are going to find a doctor that offers you both more hope . 2 . Make sure to take a voice recorder and notebook to all appointments in order to record your conversations with his doctors . My husband and I attend all my major appointments together and we both take notes so that nothing is missed . 3 . Introduce your son to juicing . I had traditional surgery and chemotherapy but I am convinced of the value of juicing for my health . I did advise my doctor of my intentions before starting , however , so make sure you discuss it with your son 's doctors . Carrot , apple , cucumber and celery is the standard concoction . You can search for " juicing " on this site and get tons of information . 4 . At your appointment at MDA ask them about an HAI pump . Your son may be immediately eligible for a liver resection ( I had 40 % of my liver removed ) , but if he is not , there is a targeted liver therapy protocol called Hepatic Aterial Infusion . HAI involves surgery to implant a small hockey - sized pump directly into the abdomen and route it into the hepatic artery . Chemotherapy is then delivered directly to the liver to provide for a concentrated and very directed therapy . There a quite a few members on the board who have had this treatment and I have met too many people to count who have had it and then had tremendous success with it . There are a number of posts here about it but just make sure to ask your MDA doctor about it . MSK is the leading hospital on this particular treatment . 5 . Encourage David to logon himself . I can 't tell you how important it was to me when I was first diagnosed to " meet " people who had the same diagnosis as me and see they were doing well . I personally know 2 people who were colon Stage IV and are both NED ( one NED for 6 1 / 2 years and the other 16 years ) . Everyone here is very welcoming . There is also another site at Colonclub . com which is geared towards those diagnosed under 50 . I find that many here are also members there . Both are great support communities . Thank you for all of your suggestions - - they are quite helpful ! I had heard of some type of " liver pump , " but did not know that it was called an HAI pump . I will be sure to mention it at our appointment . I also like the idea of bringing at tape recorder to all appointments . Thank you also for your hopeful response . It is such an encouragement to my family . I am still trying to get my son to join this message board . I 'm making some progress . . . . At this point , I think he still wants to think of himself as cancer - free . The whole process , and especially the way the doctor gave us the diagnosis , really has hit him hard . We , however , are not giving up , and David is slowly coming around . I hope that one day soon , you will see a post from him . Congratulations on your milestone . You will be in my prayers . Log in or register to post comments That 's so very young , it greatly saddens me to read of so many young people getting this disease . I do not have any answers for you , but please know I will keep you all in my prayers . Log in or register to post comments I am so glad you found us . I am so sorry that your young son is dealing with this disease . How hard it is to see our children suffer . As many have mentioned , getting to a top cancer hospital is key . MD Anderson is outstanding . I will keep both you and David in my prayers . I interviewed one doctor whom I knew more about the current studies then she did . Then she charged me the most ! I called her and she adjusted her billing . I 'm 37 stage 4 , have been for 3 years . I am currently in Guatemala getting my liver treated via Rapidarc . I have had 76 rounds of chemotherapy , 2 liver resections , dozens of smaller surgeries and foresee many more . I have fought tooth and nail with my Drs since day one and never been in charge of my treatment , until now . Before I began any treatment , I learned pretty much all there was to know about colon cancer and my situation . My situation was bad , with an original prognosis of 2 months . I begged my Drs to RFA my liver lesions before chemo . It 's not standard procedure in the US so they wouldn 't do it . Had Rapidarc or Novalis Tx been around I would have insisted on getting that first on my liver mets . I don 't know the location and size of your sons liver mets but they can be tricky . Hopefully he will respond well to first line treatment . Insist on having his cancer genetically tested . I 'm sure MD Anderson knows to have it done but they might wait until he fails conventional treatment . There are only a few labs in the country that are set up to completely profile his cancer . Targetnow and CarisDx are the two . They have many labs but only one can do a complete test . Have it done now and research everything you can about his specific cancer 's genetic profile . Eventually they will get him ready for surgery . I would do my best to avoid a liver resection at first . Everyone is going to tell you this is the Gold Standard and the only possible avenue for a cure . That is the truth , sort of . There are many non - invasive techniques used to treat tumors that haven 't been around long enough develop any empirical data . Do your homework first . Keep in mind , liver surgery will always be an option if the other treatments fail . The reason I say this is because of the chance for cancer spread during surgery . There is little chance of that during non - invasive procedures . The colectomy is a common procedure as are the adrenalectomies . Don 't let this diagnosis be the burden you have made it . He was just diagnosed with cancer , but you know he 's had it quite a while . Imagine your life last year this time . He had cancer then . There is no reason this Thanksgiving should be any different than last . Insist he live his life as he has . Go , do , be , and live with this cancer just like he had last year . You 're going to experience some bumps in the road . But that 's all they are . Annoyances that can be handled . If you guys are smart about this , he can be cancer free in less than a year . Good Luck Log in or register to post comments First of all , welcome to our family . You 're family now as well , so please check in often . Have David check in as well - - We 'd love to meet him . Please tell David not to listen to that first oncologist . When David was born , I 'm sure there wasn 't an expiration date stamped on his bum . His oncologist is nothing short of a jerk . Finding a new one is priority and going to MD Anderson is a great start . An outstanding place ( I 've heard ) with great treatments . In short , yes , people do beat this crappy disease . I was on Folfox , as is pretty standard for colon cancer . I was a stage III . Just know that you 're all in my prayers and thoughts . Log in or register to post comments Hi Cindy , My name is Cindy too , and I have a son that will be 22 next month . I just can 't even imagine how I would feel if I were in your position . My heart goes out to you and your son and I prayed for him off and on all night long , right along with my sister , and all the others on this board . It 's funny how my prayers for my sister now included so many others , people I have never met . My thoughts on what the oncologist said about " a fight he will ultimately lose . " Well . . yeah . . . . . . we all ultimately lose that fight , don 't we . None of us lives forever . But , who is he to say to what your son will ultimately lose that fight . I lost a friend in a car accident a couple of years ago , here one morning , gone that night . When I was telling my Mother about it she said " Cindy , make the most of every day , because when you awake and put your feet on the floor each morning you do not know if you will lay your head down on your pillow that night . " It really brought home to me how quickly any of use can lose our lives . While I don 't have cancer at this moment ( that I know of . . . . ) I may lose my life before many here . None of us know when that day will be or how it will come about . I think the difference is those with illness are just reminded of it more often than the rest of us . That doc was so wrong to have said that your son , and obviously has no compassion and should never have been a doctor . Fire him and move on . If you can get your son to come on the board here I think he will slowly begin to crawl out of that dark hole his doc put him in . This board offers hope , encouragement , support , and YES even SUCCESS ! Your son may be around to witness that doc " ultimately lose his fight . " I can 't help you or him by sharing my knowledge or experiences with cancer as I am a loved one , and new to this as well . However , if you ever need to talk , vent , cry , whatever to a mom of a 22 year old son that she loves very much and has a loved one with cancer ( my sister ) , I am here . Log in or register to post comments I can 't believe your ex - oncologist would say such a thing ! ! ! ! He has no right and I am so sorry that David had to hear that . I am a stage IV diagnosed in March . I had colon and liver resection as well as hysterectomy in March and completed 11 rounds of chemo ( folfox ) . I am currently NED and feeling great . I know of many other stage IV 's that are doing very well many , many years after diagnosis . There are new treatments always being developed and there is always hope . Many cancer patients have been given months to live and survived for many , many years and end up dying of old age . This board has been such a blessing . . . I can 't even begin to tell you . The support is amazing so please ask anything . i , too have recently been diagnosed with colon cancer after having a large ovarian cyst grow inside me which we learned during surgery was cancerous secondary to colon cancer , had resection , and total hysterectomy . pet scan revealed 4 large lesions on my liver . so now i am in the process of getting set up with oncologist , ct scan of liver , port - a - cath placement and then chemotherapy . my best case scenario is to shrink the liver tumors to the point where i can have a liver resection . i was told that if this happens i will have a 1 in 6 chance of long term survival . yeah , i cried alot that day . i 'm 45 and was very active until my surgery . your son has gotten a raw deal that 's for sure and it 's probably even worse for you because you love him and hate to see him suffer . i am not a success story yet but we can " compare notes " as we battle this together . there are survivors out there . Be strong . I would suggest that David look into joining another board also - the Colon Club . It was started by two young women dx 'd with colon cancer . It 's aim is to provide a community of support and information for those diagnosed before age 50 . There are other stage IV survivors on that site that were dx 'd in their 20 's , 30 's and 40 's ( along with a few that are older - but this is one place with a higher concentration of young people who do have some different concerns than those that have already raised a family ) . Age really is on his side , because normally the young are in better physical shape to help them through the rough treatments . http : / / www . colonclub . com I am a realist . I am stage IV . I know that one day it will most likely be cancer that takes my life . But I am not giving up . I am fighting ! Some people do beat stage IV cancer , and others live with it for many years before it finally takes them . I plan on getting many more years at a minimum . A stage IV cancer diagnosis is NOT an immediate death sentence . It is a wake - up call for sure . Time to prepare " just in case " and to live every day to its fullest . We all know we will die one day , but the subject is so taboo in our society that we avoid it . I am very happy you fired the oncologist . My oncologist had a hard time talking to me about my recurrence . He did say what he is doing now is not curative , but is meant to keep me alive as long as possible - hopefully until a cure is found . If he 'd told me that just because I was stage IV now , that I would definitely lose my battle , I would have fired him on the spot . Doctors are NOT God . They do not know how David will respond to treatments and surgery or other procedures . Log in or register to post comments Cindy , how dare the doctor say that to your son . Yes , there is no cure , but your son can sure as hell fight . My husband is stage 4 and like you we were in shock for awhile , but then we regained our composure and decided that we are going to fight the good fight . After 2 years , my husband is now cancer free but for this he will have to be on chemo for the rest of his life . Not the aggressive chemo that your son is probably on right now , just mild chemo and he gets it every three weeks . I can 't even imagine how you are feeling , my son is also 22 and I don 't know what I would do or think if it happened to him . Anyway , your son needs the will to fight , and then he will overcome this . Is your son going to have surgery ? My husband had part of his colon removed . He also has multiple spots on his liver and numerous spots on his lungs . He is doing fine , it 's a fight but it 's worth it . Send me a private message if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to . I too am stage 4 . I was diagnosed a year ago with colon cancer . I too have lesions on my lungs and liver . It really made me happy to hear that your husband is doing so well . I had 4 inches of my colon removed last December . I have been on Chemo since last January . I had a setback in June when my lung collapsed . I have allergies and asthma and I had coughed so hard that I caused a whole in my right lung . The doc said it was because I had weak spots where the Chemo had killed the cancer . I am still fighting . My last scan showed no substantial new growth . My oncologist said he considers me stable . I will still have to have Chemo every other week for the rest of my life . I go in on Wednesday and then wear the pump till Friday . I will do whatever it takes . Again your post has given me new hope . The doctor that did my colonoscopy said I had 6 months to a year to live . I don 't plan on going anywhere anytime soon unless God has other plans for me . I will pray for you and your husband . Again thank you so much for your post . Pege Log in or register to post comments Hey Cindy , very sorry for your son 's diagnosis , way too young . being young may work to his advantage , I assume he is still on the healthy side and physically strong . This will definitely help him overcome the chemo side effects . I was a stage 3C survivor until last April when I was diagnosed with mets to lungs and lymph nodes . Now I 'm stage 4 . There is really not any noticible difference , they just changed the chemo somewhat . I 've been on chemo for 26 months straight but it 's working . The tumors are shrinking and for the last 3 years I have worked full time as a landscaper . There is always hope and only God knows what lies ahead for each of us , he is in control . Don 't ever give up , stay positive , and put your faith in the Lord . My prayers are with all of you , may God Bless . Randy Log in or register to post comments Cindy , hello . I am a new member and wanted to tell you that you , your son and family will be in my prayers . I am Stage IV diagnosed last Thanksgiving and doing well . Finished 6 mos of Folfox with Avastin and now have Avastin only every 3 weeks . My tumors are in the liver , shrunk some but at this time not enough to operate . I LOVE my oncologist , his philosophy and his entire staff 's is " Believe " . He is very positive , upbeat and when I have my moment here and there he tells me about the patients who are there on Avastin only for over 3 years . I have had unbelievable support from family and friends , plus prayer gets me through a lot . I just want to say I am speechless at the comments I read tonight , responding to you . What a wonderful group of people here on this board . I wish I had known of it sooner but am thrilled to be here now . Your posts to Cindy helped ME ! Take one day at a time if I can offer any advice . Chemo is not the most fun thing I 've done in my life ( am 63 ) but he will make it through . And to everyone else thank you for all your posts , they have helped me and touched my heart . Joyce Log in or register to post comments Welcome to this forum . I hope you will continue to find this a good space to visit . None of us would want someone to have to join , but it is a wonderful spot to come to . I am glad to hear you are doing so well ! Keep on doing whatevever you are doing . Log in or register to post comments I can 't believe his doctor was so blunt . I was diagnosed a year ago with colon cancer . I am also stage 4 . The doctor that gave me my results said that I had 6 months to a year . It will be a year the day before Thanksgiving . I am still fighting . I am 46 years old . I have grown children and grandchildren . Your son needs to think positive . Prayer and positive thoughts along with Chemo are what 's keeping me going . I had 4 inches of my colon removed on December 23rd of last year . I needed the primary source of the cancer gone for my own piece of mind . I have lesions on my liver and both lungs . I will not give up . I have a friend that has cancer , they gave her 4 months to live . That was over 3 years ago . Don 't let him give up . Every day he lives is another day that they could find a cure . He will have good weeks and bad weeks . During the good times he needs to do whatever makes him happy . The best thing you can do for him is fo be there and to listen . He is young and that will work to his advantage . Make sure that the docs help him to manage any pain he has . I wear a fentanyl patch . It 's easier than remembering lots of meds . Watch his diet . Lots of fresh fruits and vegetables will help to keep him healthy for the Chemo treatments . Make sure that he avoids anyone who might be ill . He can get masks from the hospital to wear if he needs to be out in a crowd . Most of all , get as much information as you can about treatment options . Get a second opinion if you aren 't comfortable with the answers so far . Just be there for him . Take care of you too . If you are wore out , you can 't help him . Try to keep life as normal as possible . I know that sounds crazy , but it does make a difference . It is hard fo be seen as a cancer patient all the time . I didn 't lose my hair , which I thought I would , then I read here that many colon cancer patients don 't . I hope this helps you in some way . I will pray for your son . God bless you all . Pege Log in or register to post comments After the colon surgery , I underwent one half of a typical folfox plus Avastain treatment . Then ( when the cancers had shrunk ) I had surgery on my liver at MDAnderson in Houston . Several months after the surgery , I received the other half of my folfox treatment . As of May 2010 and September 2010 , my PET scan , CT scans , and blood work indicate that I am cancer free . I thank God and bless modern medicine for my spectacular results . I also know that I have to be watchful because the cancer can come back . Tell me about your son ? I , myself am 22 years old , and am a little worried that I may have it or a possibility of having it , it has run through the men in my family and lately , I have experienced off GI problems , I have never had before , I am sure they are nothing , but I saw your post , and wanted to learn about your son . Log in or register to post comments you may want to start you a new post so others can chime in . If it run in your family then you should get a colonoscopy 10 years earlier . For example my age was 50 when DX so my daughters should get checked at 40 , or earlier if they feel something is not right . Don 't wait ! ! Log in or register to post comments As others have said , approaches to cancer - - including Stage IV cancer - - have changed so much over the past few years . Old models , statistics and ideas are simply obsolete . There are many new drugs , types of surgery and technological advances , new ways of managing the side - effects of treatments , and new " attitudes " . I myself am a strong believer in the " chronic disease " model . Of course , our first choice for everyone is always complete cure ! But , if that is not possible ( and I am in this group ) , then we can perhaps think of cancer as something like diabetes or other chronic health conditions . . . . needs management , but we can live WITH it for a long time . I was diagnosed almost 8 years ago . I 've had periods when I 've been receiving treatment , and many periods when I have been NED ( no evidence of disease ) . I have lived a good quality of life throughout - - even when on treatment I 've managed to work , exercise , travel and play . When I 'm NED I do even more - - especially of the last three ! ! I did a 25 km hike ( lotsa mountains ) last year ( brag brag ! ) . Now I 'm on chemo again and can 't hike but I 'm doing more yoga . . . . . . ( for example ) . MD Anderson sounds like a very good move . The most important thing is to find a doctor - - or a team of doctors - - whom you trust and respect . For me , that meant finding doctors who were supportive of my " personality / style " ( I ask a lot of questions , I come with some opinions of my own to discuss , I like research data to support decisions , etc . ) . But everyone is different . Whatever David ( and you - his family ) needs , he should make sure he gets - - the doctors serve us . Sending prayers love and best wishes your way Hi Cindy , so sorry your family had to hear those terrible words . Your son is so young . Now it 's time to get busy his treatment and just know you have found the right place to be on here to help you with love and support . He will find the Dr that feels right for him and gives him the support , treatment , and encouragement that he needs to have in that way also . I hope he gets on here soon to see for himself there are so many others with similar stories . . . just not so dang young ! The content on this site is for informational purposes only . It is not a substitute for professional medical advice . Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider . Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition . Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions .

You knew I 'd get around to it eventually , right ? Ok , here we go . First , my girl : Epona . ( I have no idea why this big - ass space is here , but I can 't get it to go away . . . ) From the conference : Teammates Jamie A . and Andrea H . : Another teammate , Shannon ( w / Amanda ) : Amanda 's sister unit manager , Cassandra : Division manager , Sally ; unit manager , Amanda : Ok . So , Clay Aiken is gay . Are we surprised ? No , I dare say we are not . I have never been a " Claymate " myself . . . for the pure and simple fact that the man looks like a puppet . I swear , if Pinocchio was an actual person , he would look like Clay Aiken . THAT is just creepy . Ok , so here 's a few random things : 1 . I have fruit punch stains on my shirt , which pisses me off ( PMO , for short - I use this a lot lately * L * ) . I have little red stains on almost all of my favorite shirts now . * frump * 2 . I need to buy new bras . One has a hole in the front from a voracious dog chew , one has a hole in the right side where the wire is poking through , and one just PMO because it won 't stay where it is supposed to stay . Bras are expensive , though ! I don 't understand why bras are so expensive because they are like socks ; everybody needs socks . 3 . Speaking of socks , why is it so freaking hard to get a man to buy new socks ? Or undershirts ? Or underwear ? Granted , I don 't make the situation any easier by calling Hub 's underwear " hoolies , " " boy - hooties , " or " underoos " ; but when your tighty - whities are turning grey , it 's time for some new ones . I read the Newsweek article about " 8 things that annoy Ricky Gervais , " which I thought was entertaining . So , I 've decided to share some of the things that annoy me ( or PMO , if you will * heh * ) . We could be here a while , but here we go : 1 . People who honk at me when I 'm clearly doing nothing wrong . There was this van the other day who honked at me as I pulled into my lane . WTF ? Road here for driving , thank you . 2 . Grocery shoppers without a list . The grocery store is not a hang - out , people . Make a list , get your groceries , and get out of my way . Loitering may or may not be confronted with cart - rage . 3 . " In my opinion . . . " Of course it 's your opinion ; it 's coming out of your mouth , isn 't it ? You haven 't been elected to speak for anybody else ; so , anything you say is your opinion . Don 't dumb me down by telling me that it 's your opinion because I got it . 4 . Re - runs . I can watch the same movie 600 times , but God forbPosted by This Monday has sucked . Partially , it has sucked because I was gone on Friday , and I am now swamped . If I 'd have been here , everything would still be caught up . It was a pretty tough weekend - beginning with Friday 's sick day . On Saturday , I spent three hours talking to my dad about my mom , my past , my headaches , etc . It was a good talk , but I was incredibly emotionally exhausted after we were done talking . I never realized how much better it would make me feel for someone to say " let me bear this burden for you " until my dad said it to me . It was . . . a very powerful moment . Sunday was the day of my start - up show for my Lia Sophia business . I was a bit disappointed because only three people showed up out of a lot more people who said they would show up . I have three bookings now , and two of those are only because my beloved frog ( I love you ! ) and one of my good friends felt sorry for me . * lol * I 'm still trying to track down Ms . Money Penny so I can schedule her show , if she still wants to do it ( hint hint ) , but I can 't seem to connect at the right time . So , I made a qualifying show ( just barely ) , but I was hoping that it would have been more of a success . So , Sunday afternoon was tiring , too . And that leads to Monday . . . and grumpiness . . . and all sorts of wanting to take a nap . I have a lot of thoughts jumbled up in my head right now ; so , I 'm going to try to get them all out . . . it might be a long post . Fair warning . Calling in sick to work is probably one of my least favorite things to do because of all of the ramifications it produces in my fish bowl ; and yet , throughout my working life , it has happened quite frequently . I 've struggled with depression , anxiety , a nervous breakdown , and ( of increasing frequency lately ) migraines . I really struggled when my memories broke through , but it feels as though that was a different struggle because that was an emotional struggle . As I mentioned , lately I have been struggling a lot with my migraines . A LOT . So , I 've had migraines for as long as I can remember . My mom had chronic headaches , and my grandmother reported to have a headache every day of her life ; although , the degree to which her head hurt was never reported . As with all things that have cycled down through my maternal line , my headaches seem to be worse than I ever witnessed with my mother or my grandmother . My mother could always function ; my grandmother could always function . Over the years , I 've often wondered if maybe they just had more sand than I came away with , but I 've finally determined that I just wound up with a very different physiological make - up thanks , in large part , to the combination of my mother and father ( thanks , dad ) . By the time I was a teenager , I lived on Aleve and Excedrin migraine pills three to four times a day , three to four pills of each at a time . At one point , my friend , Philip , was worried enough about my pill consumption to actually ASK me how I could function on a day - to - day basis with that much medicine in my system , but I hadn 't ever really thought about how much I was taking because it seemed normal to me . It was every day . It wasn 't until about six months ago that Angel suggested ( strongly ) that I see a neurologist for my migraines . Up to that point , I had been seeing my family physician , who had been prescribing various medications in an effort to rPosted by Ok . . . so . . . I was not the kind of kid who tried a lot of fruit and veg when I was growing up . My family didn 't make me try things if I thought it looked gross . ( On the flip , side , though , I was told to " clean my plate " all the damn time . No freaking wonder . . . . but I digress . ) So , I grew up with a very limited food range . Over the years , I grew more adventuresome . When I moved in w / Hub , I even broke out into Chinese food , Indian food , and the like . Now , I 'm on this health kick , and I 'm trying to widen my variety of fruits and vegetables . So , I 'm trying one new piece of fruit each time I make a trip to the grocery store . This trip 's new piece was a mangelos . It was an orange thing roughly the size of a gala apple . It was fairly squishy ; and as best I can tell , it was a cross between a mango and a tangerine . First , let me say that I 'm not a big fan of oranges or grapes . They are squishy , and they remind me ( I don 't have the faintest notion why ) of eating an eyeball . However , in the spirit of trying - new - things - ness , I gave it a shot . Not so much . Although , I have to say that I didn 't not like it for its eyeball - squish factor so much as the fact that it was sour . And I have witnesses because I made the other clerical people try it , too . Every single one of them said it was sour , and none of them liked it either . So , no more mangelos . Cross you off my list . I did get a good lead on a potential piece of fruit , though , called a grapple . It is an apple bred with grapes , which could be right up my alley because I lurve the apples , and I lurve the grape flavor . . . but not so much the eyeball - squish factor of grapes . ( They explode in your mouth like little eyeballs ; how can you like that ? ! ? AND THEN , after they explode , the skin is all . . . wilty and slimey . * shudder * ) OK ! So , no more mangelos . I seriously may have found the magic migraine cure . Ok , well not the magic migraine cure . . . more like . . . the slow migraine helper . . . Back story : A week or so ago , I somehow managed to oust my back . Hub went to the store for milk and eggs , or something else rather mundane , and he came home with these * looks at the package to get the name right * Tiger Balm Pain Relieving Patch - es . ( The word on the package is not plural , for those of you wondering about that . ) So , we put one on my back ( yes , it took two of us that day ) , and all was well . Flash forward to yesterday : Fast - acting migraine comes on . Fiorinal not working . Fish is ready to hurt someone and / or just go to bed and be deceased . Hub has the bright idea of putting the pain patch on . Now , before you all go " Head On ! Apply directly to your head ! Head On ! Apply directly to your head ! " , we did not put it on my head . We put it on the back of my neck . Seriously folks , it worked wonders . Within the first hour , I was down to low - grade , and I could get up and move around enough to take a bath . I took another set of Fiorinal with my Ambien , just to be safe , and I put on another patch before I went to bed . I awoke this morning to no stiff muscles in my neck , no migraine , and breakfast in bed . ( I really love it when Hub is on vacation . ) So , if you have migraines ( ANGEL ) , try these patches ! It 's only about $ 3 . 00 for a package of five ! [ Post moved from OD ] A long time ago , my therapist asked me to make a chart / list for her of the " personalities " I felt I broke down into . They haven 't really changed in all of these years ; but as I think about it now , it is possible that there may be a new one or two added to the mix . The dominant personalities , though , haven 't ever changed . Melly - For lack of having a " theme " name , this is THE dominant personality . This is the personality that pretty much everyone gets to interact with on a daily basis . This is the most integrated part of me - the part of me that I 've been able to reclaim and put back together the most . When I 'm calm , this is the part of me that I retreat to . I suppose you could say that the other parts of me orbit around this one because I can 't really get them back into the whole yet . Mother - This is the part of me that is the problem solver . This is also the part of me that is the clone , the conformer , and the silent part . When I close my eyes , I see Mother as a fifties housewife . Perfect clothes , perfect hairdo , perfect makeup . Mother will always make herself into whatever she believes the world wants her to be . I don 't even realize when she comes up to the surface anymore because . . . well , because it 's easier to believe , I think , that you 're making yourself better for someone to love you more than you 're making yourself into something you 're not because you 're afraid of losing someone 's love . Lily - Lily is the child part of my personality fractured off from the rest of me . I 'm not entirely sure where the name came from as she 's the only personality with an actual NAME instead of a " theme . " She said her name was Lily , though , so her name is Lily . Lily is very quiet , and she blends into the background of things incredibly well . She believes that if she isn 't seen , she won 't be touched . Lily loves playtime , though , but it is hard for her to go from playtime into serious time . Lily likes to go to Toys R Us . She likes to color , and she likes bath time with Daddy . ( Daddy = Hub . ) But ever since DaPosted by Ok . . . I 'm feeling verbose today ; so , there may be more than one blog entry . Here 's a few things . First , Tejas . I really . . am struggling to feel sorry for people in Texas right now . Ask me why . C ' mon , really . Ask me why . # 1 : If they tell you to get the hell out of the path of the hurricane and you don 't ? I hope you drown . I am not a nice person ; and if you can 't follow directions , it 's survival of the fittest , baby . # 2 : If you live in a state that has nothing but sand , cactus plants , and bugs that cannot seriously be identified as bugs due to their size , you should seriously consider moving . To say I have a serious dislike of Texas is a drastic understatement . I do not like Tejas , which is not to say that I do not like people from Texas , Mexico , or Mexicans . It 's all about perspective , people . I do not like some Texans , some parts of Mexico , and some Mexicans . The majority of Texas , though ? Can just drop off into the ocean for all I car . Buh - bye . Just like California . Buh - bye . We don 't have a use for you and your big - ass bugs any more . Second , my crazy husband . My husband was doing a really great thing for his dad . He was going to go pick him up , take him to his MD appt . , and take him home . So , he got out of bed this morning , brought me breakfast IN BED , took care of the pup , and got all ready to go . We left the house at the same time . I headed to work ; Hub headed to Muscatine . About 9 : 30 AM , I get a phone call . Yeah , my husband went all the way to Muscatine . . . and the appointment is TOMORROW . Third , my cursing . I 've discovered that I cuss a LOT lately . What 's that about ? There 's really no need for that , is there ? It doesn 't really get the point that much more across , does it ? There are some curse words that are acceptable to me in common language ( hell . . . ass . . . damn . . . those are pretty common ) , but then the others . . . those are kind of pushing it , don 't you think ? ( I just realized I 'm going to have to move some diary entries over from OD so my parentheses make sense . . . hmm . . maybe I 'll do that now . ) Look at me pausing here becausePosted by I know . . . I haven 't dont pictures yet . I was going to do them yesterday , but I ended up working last night . I got distracted by the work I was doing . So , business first . . . I GOT MY FIRST BOOKING ! I hope that it is the first of many , but I 'm so incredibly excited that I could just blow up . One of the nurses I work with graciously took me up on my begging to book a show . I was so freaking nervous on the phone with her that I couldn 't remember half of what I was supposed to say - and this is someone I talk to all the time ! So , now I only have to get four more shows booked before the date of / on the date of my start - up show . I 'm finding that a LOT of people in my area , though , know about Lia Sophia and / or have gone to / are going to parties . On one hand , this worries me a little because my market is a little saturated right now . On the other hand , I 'm determined to break through this little hitch in the git - along and make my business a success . Dammit . I should not be allowed to take my Ambien and then wander about . . . At some point last night , AFTER I took my Ambien , I went out into the hotel , wandered around looking for an ice machine ( never found one as far as I can tell ) , found a vending machine , purchased an apple juice ( vaguely remember being pissed off because the machine was sold out of OJ ) , asked the front desk woman if she had matches after going into a diatribe about how I knew the rooms were non - smoking and I was not a smoker but I had a soothing candle to help me relax and sleep , tried to take video on my cell phone , and managed to take some sort of photograph of myself on my cell phone to send via text to Hub . I have no idea if the photograph I sent to Hub was of the nude variety or not ! I do not really remember leaving my room to wander the hotel , nor do I remember coming back to the room and / or getting back into bed . Neither do I entirely remember calling Hub at any point in the evening last night , but I apparently did because I got him in trouble for calling him during the meeting last night after he 'd clocked in at work . Someone really should keep an eye on me after I take my meds . . . I will have pictures , but I forgot to bring my USB cable ; so , for now , you just get to hear ( read ) about my time at the conference . The day went by pretty quickly , actually , which surprised me . I was awfully surprised when the day was over so soon after we 'd had lunch , but we 'll get there . I was the first person on our team to get there because I 'm so freaking type - A that I was early ; but by the time I was there , half of the conference room was full of awfully - peppy advisors . The conference was hosted by our Zone Leader ; her name is Andrea ( I think ) . I tried to get a picture of her , but she wouldn 't freaking stop moving ! The breakdown is like this : Zone LeaderRegional ManagerDivision ManagerUnit ManagerAdvisorsI tried awfully hard to get pictures of a lot of the people for posterity 's sake , except for our regional manager because I didn 't like her . I did meet our division manager , though , and she 's a - freaking - dorable . She 's very British , and she 's cute as hell . I also met my unit manager 's sister unit 's manager , who is also adorable even if she 's louder than me ( can you believe that ? ) . So , a full eight - hour day of very - peppy advisors , freakishly - peppy managers , and non - stop recognition and clapping . I 'm so incredibly tired just from the psychic wave that hit me when I walked in the door ; it 's incredibly . My unit manager is so smart , though ; she bought us clapper gadgets so we wouldn 't have to clap our hands ! * LOL * It was great . We made so much noise that we pissed off all sorts of people , which only made it better for me . : ) I also got a $ 50 gift cert for being a new advisor , which I all - sorts of enjoyed . And I can 't think of anything else right now because I 'm so incredibly tired . So , photos soon when I get home . Ok . So , here I am in Rockford . It was only supposed to take me two hours to get from my house to the hotel . It ended up taking me close to three because I never could find business 20 , which supposedly takes a person right past the hotel . ( It does take a person right past the Clock Tower , which is where the conference is being held . My hotel , however , is a hidey - hole back on another street . ) Quite frankly , I have no fucking clue how I got here because I had to ask for directions TWICE on top of the directions Hub printed for me . I do know how to get from here to the Clock Tower , though ; although , I have no idea how I 'm going to get the fark out of here when it is time to go home . The hotel is nice enough , though . I have a little kitchenette in my room and a queen - sized bed ; so , I 'm not going to fall on the floor , and I can feed myself . ( Of course , after a three - hour trek in the rain , I totally fucking ordered food . ) Plus , I didn 't have to find the hotel . Hub found it , paid for it , and booked it . I just had to reimburse him the cash for it . Now if my food would show up , I could eat , take a bath , and take my damn drugs . * wistful sigh * So , they turned on the Big - Bang machine . . . you know , the machine that is supposed to create the flash of the universe right before it was the universe - only in a controlled manner ? Somehow , it seems farfetched to me that any manner of scientist - or even a group of bright minds - can create the big bang in a CONTROLLED way . . . much less over and over again . Yeah , they want to do it again and again and again . . . Can you imagine that ? Scientist 1 : Oh shit , we only got a little bang . FIRE IT UP AGAIN ! Scientist 2 : Hold on , dammit , the switch is stuck . Or . . Scientist 1 : Are there . . . * squints * . . . floaty things in the bang goo ? Scientist 2 : I donno . . . FIRE IT AGAIN ! Somehow , this machine completely reminds me of the game Spore , which I would really like to get . I am all about making myself some little alien critters right now . In other randomness , I ate too much cauliflower this morning , and I think I 'm going to blow up . On top of that , I had a banana . Now , I 'm gassy with banana - flavored cauliflower . * burp * Also , I have to get rid of these shoes because they smell - really - bad . I 'm going to a training conference thing this weekend ( for my Lia Sophia business ) , and I 'm really excited . However , this will be the first time I 've been away from Epona ( my dog - Collie - Eskimo mix , five months old ) for more than a few hours since we brought her home . = ( So , I was talking to frog about coping mechanisms this morning , which made me think about my own coping mechanisms . I know I have both good ones and bad ones . I need to rely more heavily on the good ones and less heavily on the bad ones ; but in order to do that , I think I need to identify both , don 't you agree ? Let 's start with the bad . . . I 'm a picker . I pick my nails , my arms , and any bit of skin I can get at . There is actually a name for what I do because I can get so lost in it that I can do it for hours if I 'm not careful , but I don 't remember what the name of it is . At one point , I rationalized it that I did this so the outside would hurt as much as the inside . I bite my nails . I 'm comfortable in the " drama zone " ; although , I have to admit that this has gotten a lot better . I pick fights w / Bear when I 'm feeling lonely or stressed out in order to release tension . I go to bed and sleep . I did this a lot when I lived in CA . The good . . . I call people - particularly frog . I email - particularly Angel . I take a bath . I scrapbook . I play with Epona . So , I need to focus more on those good things , and I need to build more good things . I can 't freaking figure out where I want to be . First , I was here . Then , I was on OD . Then , I was on my website , which I can 't access from work . Every time I make a change in my head , I feel I have to change where I 'm at . Maybe I 'll stay here ; maybe I won 't . Who knows . It looks super cute , though , doesn 't it ?

My 30 - year - old brother allowed me to sleep until 9 am ( some kind of record , I 'm sure ) before decreeing that it was present time . Presents opened , I made Christmas scones and we munched happily while the roast was prepped and went into the oven . Then comes the lull , that time between the flurry of activity in the morning and the mad dash to get Christmas dinner on the table . In a bit , I 'll need to pull my china out of storage and wash it . There will be potatoes to mash , crudités to cut up , and veggies to roast . I 'll get swept up in the rush and the beautiful adrenaline of the holidays will lift my spirits . Maybe because there is a great big personality missing . Maybe because the second year is so much harder than the first . Maybe because the weather is unseasonably warm and rainy . Maybe because a small part of my heart is on an island in the middle of the Pacific . Maybe because there seems to be no peace on earth . Whatever the reason , the ennui is real . I hope this holiday finds you wrapped in warmth and love . If , instead ( or additionally , ) it finds you feeling a bit sad , my heart goes out to you . Remember , always , that God 's grace is sufficient . He will carry you through this difficult season and hold you up when you lack strength . He is greater than your pain and your sorrow . One year ago , on the night he died , I wrote down what I was feeling . I 've been reluctant to publish these thoughts , but it seems right , it seems fitting to share them now , 365 days later . I hope you 'll indulge me . My dad died . Even now as the words flow from my fingertips they don 't seem real . This is the kind of thing that happens to other people , not to me . If you know anything about me , you know that my dad and I had a tumultuous relationship ; too much pride and stubbornness and not enough grace . There is lots of blame to be doled out for the way that our relationship ended up , something I 'm sure I 'll be working through in my mind for weeks and months and years to come . I loved my dad , though . I 'll never have those " daddy 's little girl " stories that some girls do , but I loved my dad . In all that has happened in the last few hours , that fact has never been closer to my heart . I loved him . I loved him . I loved him . I loved a man that was broken and damaged and hurting and suffering and fighting a battle he would eventually lose . I loved him despite his weakness and his selfishness and despite his sometimes inability to express his feelings in a positive way . I loved him for the man I knew he was , the man I knew he could be . I loved him . I 'm not sure what I 'm going to feel when the sun rises , or once I get some sleep . But I can 't help but think that what I feel right now , this moment , is really , really important . I don 't know why . Maybe it isn 't . But this is what I 'm feeling . Here 's the thing about grief : if you could schedule it , it wouldn 't be so bad . Hour - long sessions of remorse and pain sprinkled throughout the work week would be tolerable if you knew that when the bell dinged , you 'd be done and on to the next task . Grief would join the ranks of exercise and laundry ; unpleasant but necessary parts of life . A friend of mine recently had the same spine surgery that my dad did right before he died . The recovery requires the patient to wear a hard plastic collar to stabilize the head an neck until they heal . He wore that collar for the last month of his life . He was wearing it when he died . Here it was , the same collar , around the neck of a man who bares a striking resemblance to my father , smiling in the second row . I wish I could say that I handled it well . I wish I had some kind of 5 step list to handing the sudden onslaught of pain that accompanies guerrilla style grief . Honestly , I cried like a baby . By the grace of God and the power of adrenaline , I made it through the set , only to collapse into the arms of a close friend as soon as I was clear of expectant faces . There were flashes ; I remember the first time I saw something funny happen and knew that he would be the only person as amused as I was . I actually picked up the phone and started to dial before remembering that there was no one on the other end of that call . Sitting at lunch with a friend , I told a funny story about my childhood and the pang of loss rippled through me like the lingering aftershocks of a notable seismic event . But the moments were always short - lived and often poisoned by the anger and confusion that his death caused . Finally , though , I miss my dad . I miss his laugh . I miss the funny faces he would make when you tried to take a picture of him , and the ridiculous pose he 'd strike as he facetiously challenged an aggressor with the interogative , " You wanna fight ? " I miss the smell of waking up on Saturday morning to waffles and gravy and the exasperation of finding that he 'd used every dish in the kitchen . I miss the sound of his heartbeat as I laid my head on his chest while watching a movie . I 'd convince my parents to let me stay up past my bedtime , though I think they knew that I 'd fall asleep halfway through and bedtime would be preserved . I miss baby - fives , the only thing that was truly ours . He had big , strong hands that dwarfed my own even as I entered adulthood . When I was a child , he would gather his fingers together , the small grouping just the right size to match my tiny fingers . It became our symbol , something sacred for just us . I miss the way he smelled . He wore the same cologne for years ( except for that horrible Old Spice phase , but we try to forget about that ) . Brut , in the green bottle . It doesn 't smell the same when it 's not mixed with his body chemistry , but I 'll recognize that scent for the rest of my life . It 's good , this pain of missing him . There is a homesickness for an earlier , simpler time . A time before I understood just how strong I could be . A time before I bore the weight of my dad 's actions . The pain is similar to the exhaustion of a hard day 's work ; it hurts , but it means that progress has been made . I 've been living in a haze of numbness for months , unable to feel much of anything . Honestly , no , I haven 't . I 've pretended to handle it . I am an exceptionally skilled manipulator of the truth . I know all the right things to say and all the right things to do . I 'm a student , you see . I 've studied psychology and grief and I know what the stages are " supposed " to look like . So I put on a brave face and I do what has to be done to make everyone else feel better about what I 'm going through . Looking inside has been too painful . It has to stop . It 's time to focus on me , which is terrifying . It 's time , though . It 's time to stop worrying about how I seem and start focusing on how I am . My workout routine starts with 80 Jumping Jacks to get the heart racing , followed by 20 pushups and 40 sit ups . I haven 't been able to do a proper sit up since high school , so I 've adapted . Here 's my move : Lay on your back with arms and legs extended ( think of making yourself as tall as possible ) . Lift arms and legs 6 ″ off the ground . Exhale and draw knees to chest , while crunching up with abs and raising shoulders to meet the knees , arms extending to touch the sides of your feet . Contract abs . Release and extend limbs back out , keeping them 6 ″ off the floor . 3 ) Speaking of things that are painful . In my last post ( which was the most popular post in a good long while , oddly ) , I referenced a sweet woman I 've known a long time who had entered hospice care . In what is being viewed as a bittersweet blessing , she went home to be with the Lord on Saturday night . Her family and friends are relieved that she is no longer in pain , but they are grieving this incredible loss . Debbie was a loving mother , wife , sister , friend , and grandmother . She was a tiny woman , but her smile was radiant . Even through all of her treatment , she was always joyful and positive . She has left behind and incredible legacy of beauty and kindness and a wonderful family to carry these traits on into the world . About a year ago , I was introduced to a TED talk given by Ash Beckham . While Beckham and I have almost comically different political leanings , her talk about finding the courage to have hard conversations really resonated with me . She reminded me that everyone has something that they are hiding , some secret pain . … here 's the thing : Hard is not relative . Hard is hard . Who can tell me that explaining to someone you 've just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them ? Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your five - year - old you 're getting a divorce ? There is no harder , there is just hard . We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else 's hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard . - Ash Beckham A beautiful , amazing , sweet , kind woman I 've known since I was a child has entered hospice care . She has been battling brain cancer for a couple years and she isn 't winning . She has three daughters , three sons - in - law , and four beautiful grandchildren who will have to grow up without her . Who can tell me that watching your mom slip away over two years is harder or less hard than losing your dad suddenly , without warning ? Is is easier to know , to prepare , or to live in blissful ignorance until it 's too late ? The point I 'm trying to make , dear ones , is that life is full of mountains . The climb is difficult . The decent is slippery and dangerous . The valleys are dark and lonely . It 's more than enough to storm the blockade , let alone feel guilty for crying out because your trial doesn 't measure up . On an unseasonably warm day in February , 1976 , she finally finished hemming her wedding dress before standing with him in front of their family and friends and declaring to love , honor , and cherish each other for the rest of their lives . They exchanged rings , yellow gold for him , antiqued white gold for her , and she forgot to retrieve her bouquet from her Matron of Honor , so my Aunt Marlene had to wrestle two huge sprays back down the aisle ( they were enormous , no joke ) . As a little girl , I flipped through the pages of their wedding album , coveting their happiness . When my dad died , I felt as if the ground under my feet gave way ; nothing seemed real , nothing seemed permanent . I wondered if I 'd ever really known my dad , or if he 'd just been this stranger with whom I coexisted for a couple of decades . There are so many questions I have for him , so many things I 'll never really understand . After his funeral , we took home a box of extra programs , papers , and cards from flower arrangements , along with random notions from the funeral home . At the bottom of the box was a small , black , draw - string bag that contained that same gold band he slipped on in 1976 . It called out to me , a beacon of hope in a world that made no sense - their love was real . According to the most popular theory , solar systems form when a cloud of gas collapses on itself until enough heat and pressure builds up to spark nuclear fusion , which marks the birth of a star . This gas cloud starts out spinning very slightly , but as it contracts , it speeds up to maintain its angular momentum . The smaller it gets , the faster it spins ( think an ice skater who pulls her arms in ) . In fact , it contracts so much that if it tried to hold on to all the momentum , it would eventually spin itself apart . Instead , it transfers momentum to small globs of material , which eventually form planets . Literally , the star cannot live without its companions . Though they are minuscule in comparative size , these tiny bodies keep the star from coming apart at the seams . I 've found that the same is true of people . My INFJ personality means that I try to be my own , planet - less star , in favor of taking on the momentum of others . Refusing to let people get close to me results in the constant feeling that I 'm spinning so fast I might spin apart at any moment . In recent months , with trauma and loss , I 've finally given over to the inevitability that I am not , in fact , and island . There is freedom in allowing others to share the burden . It builds new bonds and strengthens old ones , allows those around you to feel helpful and important , and relieves some of the stress of going at it alone . On a recent weeknight , my friends Debbie and Ed had me over for dinner to fulfill a promise made months ago . After my dad died , Debbie , a long time nurse , came to me with a proposition . She knew that as I worked through my grief , there would come a day when I just needed to explode and she offered to be the bomb range when that time came . I found such freedom in discussing both the good and bad in a safe space . Not everyone is worthy to be your companion , so discernment is key . Your star companions may even surprise you . The payoff for finding them , however , is worth the search . But that isn 't the whole story . In the last 91 days , I made a friend who is my inspiration to make the 120 mile round trip to class twice a week , especially when it 's raining . I took on 5 new students , each of whom brings me joy in a way I couldn 't have anticipated . I met A and the affection I feel for him makes me unconscionably happy . Then tonight I was sitting in choir practice next to my dad 's best friend . Around us , talk had turned to the Christmas Eve church service and the role of the bell choir , of which I am a member . Mike ( the friend ) leaned over to me and this conversation happened : I was born 20 years after this sketch aired , but I 've watched it roughly 7 , 927 , 162 times . My dad loved this clip . He loved that Carson couldn 't keep a straight face , but when Jack Webb almost breaks at the end , it was his undoing . He would chuckle until he 'd erupt into an enormous belly laugh that left him shaking , tears rolling down his face and his mouth gaped wide , gasping for breath . I got my sense of humor from my dad and I 'm exceedingly grateful that I did . He also gave me my musical talent , my attention span , and my tendency to be a bit of a dreamer . He was sensitive and emotional and creative , all traits he passed on to his little girl . I also look more like him than I ever realized . The facts are these : I 'm going through a season of grief . This is not news . However , there are so many people who seem completely at a loss for what to say / do around me during this time , AND I 'm in a unique position to be able to tell you what a person going through this might be feeling , so I thought I would develop a little semi - comprehensive list of the Do 's and Don ' ts . Sound fun ? Delightful . DO acknowledge the loss . Especially in the first few days , it 's so hard to keep saying those words over and over . If you don 't say anything , is it ignorance or are you just trying to respect privacy ? Effusiveness is not required ( or appreciated , honestly ) , but a simple , " I 'm sorry for your loss , " goes a long way . DON ' T be afraid to ask questions , but DON ' T push . If you 're interested in the details of my situation , I 'm more than willing to tell you what happened , but I won 't be engaging in a post game play - by - play . There are some people who don 't want to share at all , so tread lightly , and starting out with a blanket , " If you don 't want to talk about it , I completely understand , " is always nice . DO offer to help , but be specific . Few things are more daunting than a chorus of , " if you need anything , call me . " I 'm sorry , but that call won 't come . If you are serious about helping , offer something specific ( Can I watch your kids while you make arrangements ? Can I make calls for you ? Can I clean your bathrooms ? ) Otherwise , you end up like my sainted friend , Carrie , who all but insisted that I give her something to do and wound up in my flowerbeds pulling weeds . An angel , that girl . DO follow up . The first few days , or even weeks are a flurry of activity and it 's easy to hide in the logistics . When the dust settles and everyone goes home and all that is left is a house that now seems entirely too big , the real pain starts . That 's when your friendship is needed most . However … DO call first . You 're just checking in . It 's very sweet and honestly so appreciated . But entertaining is also taxing , so give a ring before you show up unexpectedly . Otherwise you might stumble upon a truly world class meltdown , or a session of sobbing that makes middle school look like an exercise in puritanical stoicism . DON ' T expect comfort . This one 's harsh , and more than a little selfish . You might be hurting too , but your hurting friend probably doesn 't have the strength to support you in your grief as well as bear the weight of their own . DON ' T be an Eeyore . Put away your sad eyes and pitiful tone . You cry , I cry , Jack . Got it ? Try to act as normal as possible , it really does help . Human beings are capable of amazing things and ought not be treated like porcelain dolls . Along those same lines , DON ' T keep asking how I am . It 's a habit , or maybe a conditioned response , but honestly , how do you think I 'm doing ? If you are really worried , ask someone who probably has insight on the matter . They 'll be in a better place to field your questions . DO be willing to listen , but DON ' T judge . You never know when a grieving person is going to want to talk , but if they do , just listen . Recognize that one of the stages of grief is anger , though , and the words that come out of their mouth may not be all sunshine and roses . Expect repetition and less than logical thought patterns . Try to be patient and simply listen without trying to fix anything . DON ' T be surprised by a sudden change in priorities or new fixations . In a life upended by turmoil , some things may seem incredibly important now that weren 't before and vice versa . Unless it 's something dangerous ( in which case , DO intervene immediately ) just let it ride . Everything will probably go back to normal in time . Simone is a middle school science teacher , coffee lover , and wife / stepmom - to - be . She is influenced by her children , her work , and her deep and abiding faith in Jesus Christ . She approaches each post with wit and authenticity , hoping to encourage others and assure them that they are not alone .

Stuart recently had an article on his page by Christine Groth about the different kinds of thinking . I commented on his page about experimenting with creative thinking and a short correspondence ensued . I mentioned that I have been engaging in some creative thought before I go to sleep and that this has led to some very vivid and interesting dreams . I also mentioned to Stuart that I have an active imaginary life . Below is an edited excerpt of the email I just sent to him this morning . My imaginary life is always changing . When I was a kid I told myself stories about the people I met . Even now when I am awake , I can create whole imaginary back stories for people . It keeps me entertained . I also like to daydream about the books I read . My own imaginary back story is that I am an artist of some kind who is always involved in arts events . In this world , I know tons of Bohemians and artists . Sometimes I am a professional dancer or a full - time yoga teacher . Sometimes I am even a pop star ( LOL ) . I dream about being a successful author too . When I can ignore the MS , I am a world - traveler as well . It is possible to have a vivid , imaginary life even when you are awake , you just have to suspend your realities and let your mind take you where it will . . . Today I am grateful that I am tapping back into my creativity and imagining some other possibilities outside my current realities . I got a snow day ! Actually I got a day and a half . I couldn 't have been more thrilled . When I posted my journal yesterday , I was actually at work and in the worst of funks . No more than an hour passed before an announcement came at school that we were being dismissed early due to the snow . I think I cheered at least as loud as the kids . I beat the worst of the snow home . My husband was working from home so we got to hang out a bit . I also got to take a two hour nap in the middle of the week . My yoga class was cancelled too so I stayed home and kept warm . It snowed all night and we were given another day off today . Fortunately , the sun has come out and I should be headed to Arizona in a few hours to visit my mom for spring break . Needless to say , my attitude is swiftly improving . On another note . . . Please check out the latest from Merelyme on Health Central . This week she writes about MS and excercise and I 'm pleased to have contributed a short piece to this article . I will expand on some of the ideas I contributed to Merely 's work in a later article here too . I am excited for my upcoming trip . I am glad I will have time to relax and destress so I can put some thought into the issues on my mind without feeling overwhelmed . Things have even started to change since yesterday . At first I was dead certain that I had an obligation to be involved in the events unfolding in my school district but as I step back , I am beginning to ask myself , " What do I really want ? " Somehow I keep coming back to the idea that maybe I don 't want my old life or priorities back . Things have changed and I like my new , less demanding lifestyle and focus . I realize that relaxing , doing and teaching yoga are much more important to me than furthering my career as a public educator . I realize that I am less ambitious than I used to be . I don 't really care about making a name for myself . I care about what is good for kids but I don 't need to be recognized for the work I do . These days I would rather fly under the radar and keep my schedule as mellowPosted by I am feeling the weight of the world but I 'm so tired . I fight my anxiety , battling against the current of a future I cannot solely control . Sometimes I just want someone else to provide me with answers and solutions . There are times when I just wish I could lay down and quit trying or caring but I have this deeper sense that I am responsible not just for my own survival but for a multitude of other lives as well . Why this current tangent ? It has been a busy week , I 'm exhausted but the task of preparing myself for the next school year is looming . My school district has decide to restructure the English acquisition programs ( ESL ) in our district and this directly effects my students and my programs . Last night I went to a meeting to discuss this but I had this sense that most of the stakeholders in the decision - making process will not be involved in making the decisions . I realize that I don 't have to be left out . I can apply to be part of the group that will make the decisions but I 'm so tired . I want someone else to do this job . I want someone else to solve the problems but I am afraid that this is one of those times where I must attempt to participate for a greater good . My profile lists " activism " as one of my interests . It is , has been for a long time , but now I just don 't feel like I have the energy to do what must be done . Perhaps someone else will step up or appear to shoulder this burden but I am uncertain . Perhaps I will apply to help and not be accepted but I realize that despite my hesitations , I must try to help . This would have excited me a year ago but now I just long to do less , rest more and focus on teaching yoga . The ills in public education glare at me but I don 't want to own them . I honestly want to just show up , do a good job in my room and then leave the work behind at the end of the day . I have been able to do this for a while but I can tell that things are shifting and I am going to have to look and plan beyond my current horizon . I am just so tired . . . Today I am grateful that there is a vacaPosted by When I went to yoga today the teacher 's theme was purpose . She talked a lot about each of us having a purpose and she went on to claim that finding that purpose is the key to contentment . Several months ago I was reading Yoga and the Quest for the True Self but after a while , the book started to make me anxious and unhappy . I was obsessed with finding my true self , my purpose etc . . . This fixation troubled me . I could not remember who I was before MS and after it I no longer had a sense of who I was and what I wanted . When I finally stopped trying so hard , things got easier . I started living much more in the moment and enjoying the little things as they came to pass . Eventually I had a recollection of who I am and realized that I had never left . This feeling has brought me a measure of peace . I no longer feel adrift in a universe with no answers for me . Today 's yoga class did give me some pause though . I asked my husband , " Do you think we all have a purpose ? " This is a hard question , especially for someone who does not believe in a " higher power " or a " life after death . " My husband commented that we all need a purpose to take us through this life . I asked if it was preordained or if we create it for ourselves . He said we create it . I think I agree with this idea but I wonder if I might see my own purpose differently if I did not look at life through an MS lens . Would I still be satisfied with where I am at right now ? This is not a question I can actually answer because my life is my life . When I get to really thinking about something I like to think about it from many angles . The other day I tried to visualize what my life might be like if I were living my fantasies . It was quite a bit different but when I look at where I am , I am not discontent . My fantasy world is different but not necessarily better . My husband mentioned that his purpose was to be the best he could be although that might change on any given day . I like that way of thinking . I think that might be my purpose too ; giving life my all on any given day . Posted by It was hard but I got myself up in just enough time to go to a 9 : 00 am yoga class . To the early birds of the world I 'm sure this sounds pathetic but for me , when the weekend hits , it 's all about catching up on sleep . Even right now I am contemplating a nap ( LOL ) . Anyway . . . it was so beautiful outdoors when I stepped out to go to yoga that I couldn 't help but say , " Good morning sun , it 's good to be alive . " I even made sure no one was looking and then spread my arms out into a sun salutation . Sometimes I even crack myself up . I had a great yoga practice today at the studio where I teach . The owner is turning into my new favorite teacher so it was worth it to get up early and take her class . When I got home , the day was even nicer and my husband was busy turning all the dirt in the yard so he could lay sod . Amazingly , he had the whole yard ready by about noon and now he is just finishing up . It looks great . I made my own small contribution by weeding , sweeping the pathways around the yard and cleaning up debris . I actually also helped carry the sod off the truck and I imagine that 's why a nap is now creeping up on me . Either way , it was great to get outdoors , smell the fresh earth and enjoy the advent of spring . Today I am grateful for the return of spring . Chances are that if you have MS you have asked this question at one time or another . Chances are that if you are related to someone with MS that you have also wondered about treatments . This week Merelyme addresses this all important question on Health Central . Stop by and check out her article and all the comments from the MS community . You will even find a quote from your 's truly in the article . Happy reading , Nadja I have been busy lately . To adjust , I schedule a nap date with myself after each flurry of activity . This has been working well so far . On Monday I had my first MS " Self - Help Group " meeting so I went home right after work to rest and prepare for Tuesday . The group came right on the heels of my post about perspective . Somehow that line of thinking proved very important for me when I went to the group . Sometimes I get so caught up in being tired and sick or planning to avoid those states that I cannot take my mind off MS . Two of the women in the group mentioned that they now go days at a time without thinking about MS . I realized that I have not done this . In fact , I don 't think a day has gone by since my diagnosis where MS has not crossed my mind . Perhaps this is unavoidable as long as I blog here but hearing these women talk , I thought , " I want that kind of peace . " One of the women in the group has been diagnosed for twelve years now and she told me that she has never taken MS meds . She has an excellent quality of life and she does not let MS affect her planning or lifestyle . While it seems her symptoms are minimal and that may account for her attitude , hearing her talk really gave me a state of mind to aspire to . I am not trying to forget or deny the MS but I am working hard to get rid of my fears about the future . I think this group is going to be good for me . There was also a woman at the group who was just diagnosed in the last two weeks . She did not seem afraid or disturbed at all . I admire that . She has not had a serious exacerbation but learned of her MS because of some numbness in her arm . I wonder if generally feeling ok takes some of the fear out of the disease . As I thought this , I wondered if my state of mind might be better if I had never experienced a trauma as a result of my disease . When I feel bad it is hard for me to avoid conjuring up graphic sensory memories of vomiting blood in the waiting room of the hospital . I remember what it was like to suffer vertigo that questioned the laws of gravity . I Posted by Despite being busy , I cannot claim that I have the world 's most interesting life . . . That is if you count out the sky diving , world travel and jet setting that make up my regular routine ( not ) . Anyway , not too much to report here . I made it through the first week of CSAP ( our standardized testing ) and I only have a few more days to go . I taught some nice yoga classes this week too . The yoga class I 'm teaching at school is going very well so far . I have a number of super - engaged , very agile students who seem really into participating and that is refreshing . It is definitly a highlight for me right now . My Hatha class at the studio is also going well . On Thursday I had 11 students . I also got invited to a potluck at the studio in about a month and I am already excited for that . I did get out of the house for a while on Thursday to catch a hockey game at the bar with my husband and a few friends . I know it 's not much , but it was a change for me . I dragged through Friday and went to bed at about 9 : 30 . I did make it to Joan 's chat room last night were I enjoyed a lively conversation for over an hour . One of the things I realized when I was chatting is that a lot of people with MS seem to have the same concerns I mentioned in my previous post . One of the ladies at the chat asked , " How can I make other people understand why I overreact to little things ? " Her question made me realize that we cannot often reach that understanding unless we have walked a mile in someone else 's shoes . That is one of the best parts about meeting and talking to others with MS . Almost every time I talk to someone else with MS , or even with another chronic illness , we find common ground in our experiences and emotions around being ill . I think illness amplifies our concerns . When I feel well physically it is much easier to be positive and to look ahead . When I feel ill or exhausted , I lose faith in my ability to do new things and even doubt my ability to do the small things I do every day . I think an important part of perspective is realizing that Posted by I imagine that everyone who learns they have a life - altering illness or disease goes through a period or times of fear . I know I have mentioned this before but during this past year , I have really had to confront my mortatlity for the first time . I used to feel so invincible . It was as though I could do anything I put my mind to . Now I am less certain of myself . I worry about taking on too much . At moments I find myself almost paralyzed by thoughts of the future . I think that is because I often have to psyche myself up and remind myself I can get through the week or even the day . When I look too far into the future , I am filled with anxiety and dread . I want to plan for next school year . I want to plan for the summer but when I think about what needs to be done , I get terrified and it seems the only way to calm myself is to focus back on the day where I am . This may not be a bad thing . It keeps me very present . I have been learning to realign my mind this way . It was really only a few days ago when I realized that it was the future that was at the root of almost all the anxiety I experience . This was a good revelation because I think it is easier to confront the fears that can be identified , rather than those that are hazy and disturbing . Today I am grateful to know the source of my fear so I can begin to confront it . " Good morning sun it 's good to be alive , " intoned Hayward , our yoga guide at Hawaii 's Yoga Oasis . Every day for years he has faced the sun and said this . I found myself repeating these words shortly after my diagnoses . I think I started welcoming the sun once I could stand on my own two feet again . The longer and better I could stand , the greater my joy . I think that once I could balance on one foot again that I knew I was going to be ok . It was actual light that brought me toward healing from my first exacerbation . I remember that when I first was diagnosed , many people kept telling me about the candles they had lit for me . During the night I wrote about in Part 2 , I used those candles as a guide . I hadn 't slept in days . Days without sleep and large doses of steroids do strange things to people . The night before my healing began , I stayed up almost all night surfing the net and reading strange stories about the Nadja who is my namesake . In my heightened state it was as though we connected across time . When I closed my lap top to sleep , I began to drift off for the first time in a while and then I felt her beside me . My heart raced as for a minute , I thought I beheld her ghost . Then I startled fully awake to find this specter an image of my overactive imagination . That night as I struggled with the pain in my body , she visited again briefly . It was a dark and stormy night ( literally ) but I banished her from my room and set to healing myself with breathe . I breathed , moving in circles through my vertigo but when I closed my eyes I felt as though I was tumbling . At this point , I focused on my breath , deepening it through the pain . The breath alone was not enough to stop my tumble so I began to imagine the candle my mother had lit for me at the Notre Dame cathedral . I followed the light of that candle in the dark place behind my eyes and for the first time in a long time , I was not afraid . I breathed and breathed . All the candles people had lit for me surrounded me and I was reassured by the voices of every tPosted by I must have overdone it or something because yesterday 's complaints are nothing compared to today 's . I lay in bed half the day fighting nausea , muscle ache and a sore throat . I still feel lousy , almost lousy enough to call in tomorrow but not quite . This is a big week at our school because we start our mandated , standardized testing on Tuesday and it 's serious stuff . I don 't want to miss tomorrow because I want to preview the test and also do some last minute review with the kids but I could really use a day . I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will feel a lot better in the morning . Today my husband pointed out that I almost always sick on Sundays . He said he knew why . I thought he was going to say it was because I was dreading the week but he surprised me . He said that I am doing too much on Saturdays and I need to slow down . He said I am doing two day 's stuff in one day and I needed to just chill a little . I am glad he said this because I always feel guilty watching him do stuff around the house when I am doing little . I guess he would rather that I did less so I would have the energy for us to spend more time together . That sounds good because one of the things that was getting me down yesterday was how much my exhaustion has been getting in the way of me doing the things I really want to do . Next weekend I am going to try to be more mellow on Saturday to see if it helps . Today I am grateful that my family has what we need , not just for survival but for actual comfort . I am grateful that I have a nice , warm , cozy bed to convalesce in when I feel bad . I am tired . I am tired of trying to figure out every day if I will make it to my next nap without going through a period of discomfort and disgust . Sometimes I just wish I could stop looking at my life through the lens of chronic illness . Before , the issue was always time . I felt like I did not have enough time to do everything I had planned . Now I don 't make that many plans so it 's not really a huge issue and yet all my sleeping seems to get in the way of doing some of the things I most want to do . Lately I am rarely to sick to clean my house , cook dinner and go to work but by the time I have taken care of the musts , I am exhausted and it is time to sleep again so I won 't get really sick . Don 't get me wrong , I love sleeping , I just hate watching the time I planned to spend writing or reading constantly being eaten up . I have been scarce in blogland . I can hardly find the time to write and I almost never have the time to read the way I want to . There are all these ideas of things I want to write and things I want to create but I fear they may have to wait until my next vacation . I think it is that way with just about everyone but before I was sick , I seemed to find the time and energy to do it all . Today I was actually up at 7 : 30 , went to an hour and fifteen minutes of yoga , ran an errand and cleaned my house all by 2 : 00 pm . The problem is that I started to turn into a pumpkin around 1 : 00 and by 2 : 45 I was already taking a nap . I slept for two hours and by then , the afternoon was almost gone . Again , don 't get me wrong , the nap was awesome but now it 's almost time to leave home for the evening and I never wrote the things I wanted to write today . I did not read anything and I created nothing . My husband told me that the time changes tonight and all I can think of is how tired I am going to be all week . I have learned not to think too much about this . Such thoughts just make me more tired but still I long for all the energy I used to take for granted . Why is staying out past 9 : 00 pm a chore ? Today I am grateful that tPosted by I find life a twisted path that I continue to navigate with varying degrees of success . There is a part of me that desires complete control and another part of me that wants to surrender all my will to come what may . These desires compete and sometimes one outstrips the other . If MS has taught me nothing , it is that I am not in control but old habits die hard . I want to let go , quit grasping so hard for the reigns but sometimes it is as though I canot live without the illusion that I can somehow manipulate my life and my health to make them as I would have them . I pat myself on the back for taking care of things . I pat myself on the back for getting through each day but more and more I find that I must just accept things as they come . When I must push through pain and adversity I will if I can but I am beginning to find that by resting when my body tells me to rest , easing my grasp on the reigns and living one day at a time , I am more satisfied with the ultimate outcomes in my daily existence . Accepting that I am not in control is hard . Yesterday when I taught yoga I encouraged my students to let go of any need they might have for control . I told them that all we can really control on any given day is our state of mind . This is true but boy is it hard to control ones state of mind all the time . My therapist said it is ok to feel what you feel . I try to do this to without falling apart at the seams . For me I think it is ok to feel sad or anxious when I do , I just cannot let it consume me . So what have I been up to lately ? I have just been trying to make the best of each day . I have been trying to enjoy the things that I enjoy and to carry the good feelings from those things around with me . I think I feel the very best when I am teaching yoga and right afterwards . I guess that means I just have to teach a lot of yoga . Today I am grateful that I have the opportunity to teach yoga almost every day . Hello all Sarah recently emailed me about an interest in guest posting here on my blog to fine - tune her writing skills and to begin marketing herself as a writer to a larger audience . Being of the writer sort myself I promised to help her out . Below please find her article about cross training and then go check out her site for yourself by following the links . Good luck Sarah ! Train Your Sight on Cross Training : by Sarah ScraffordI 've been working out for at least 8 months now , and although my stamina levels have gone up and I 've lost quite a number of pounds , my overall fitness was not anything to write home about . It 's not like I was slouching off at the gym - I jogged for half an hour on the treadmill , cycled for another 20 minutes , and did a few abdominal crunches . But it wasn 't enough , and I didn 't know what I was doing wrong until a new trainer came along and introduced me to the world of cross training . For the uninitiated , cross training involves a fitness routine that works every part of your body . While jogging and cycling are good exercises , they are cardio workouts that improve your stamina and help burn calories and decrease fat . You need to build your strength with lean muscle mass and also increase your flexibility and balance with techniques like yoga and tai chi . When you lift weights , do squats and lunges , and get involved in other exercises that tone your muscles , you improve the way you look . You lose sagging flesh , your butt firms up and your breasts become perky . Your skin becomes tighter and your posture improves . Yoga , tai chi or other similar exercises help you relax and improve your mood and overall well - being . Cross training also helps you avoid injuries , especially the repetitive ones that are caused by strain to your body parts that are used regularly when you exercise or play a sport . You also prevent falls and accidents that happen because of muscular imbalances - when you workout without training all your muscles equally , some become more developed than others , and thiPosted by

Stuart recently had an article on his page by Christine Groth about the different kinds of thinking . I commented on his page about experimenting with creative thinking and a short correspondence ensued . I mentioned that I have been engaging in some creative thought before I go to sleep and that this has led to some very vivid and interesting dreams . I also mentioned to Stuart that I have an active imaginary life . Below is an edited excerpt of the email I just sent to him this morning . My imaginary life is always changing . When I was a kid I told myself stories about the people I met . Even now when I am awake , I can create whole imaginary back stories for people . It keeps me entertained . I also like to daydream about the books I read . My own imaginary back story is that I am an artist of some kind who is always involved in arts events . In this world , I know tons of Bohemians and artists . Sometimes I am a professional dancer or a full - time yoga teacher . Sometimes I am even a pop star ( LOL ) . I dream about being a successful author too . When I can ignore the MS , I am a world - traveler as well . It is possible to have a vivid , imaginary life even when you are awake , you just have to suspend your realities and let your mind take you where it will . . . Today I am grateful that I am tapping back into my creativity and imagining some other possibilities outside my current realities . I got a snow day ! Actually I got a day and a half . I couldn 't have been more thrilled . When I posted my journal yesterday , I was actually at work and in the worst of funks . No more than an hour passed before an announcement came at school that we were being dismissed early due to the snow . I think I cheered at least as loud as the kids . I beat the worst of the snow home . My husband was working from home so we got to hang out a bit . I also got to take a two hour nap in the middle of the week . My yoga class was cancelled too so I stayed home and kept warm . It snowed all night and we were given another day off today . Fortunately , the sun has come out and I should be headed to Arizona in a few hours to visit my mom for spring break . Needless to say , my attitude is swiftly improving . On another note . . . Please check out the latest from Merelyme on Health Central . This week she writes about MS and excercise and I 'm pleased to have contributed a short piece to this article . I will expand on some of the ideas I contributed to Merely 's work in a later article here too . I am excited for my upcoming trip . I am glad I will have time to relax and destress so I can put some thought into the issues on my mind without feeling overwhelmed . Things have even started to change since yesterday . At first I was dead certain that I had an obligation to be involved in the events unfolding in my school district but as I step back , I am beginning to ask myself , " What do I really want ? " Somehow I keep coming back to the idea that maybe I don 't want my old life or priorities back . Things have changed and I like my new , less demanding lifestyle and focus . I realize that relaxing , doing and teaching yoga are much more important to me than furthering my career as a public educator . I realize that I am less ambitious than I used to be . I don 't really care about making a name for myself . I care about what is good for kids but I don 't need to be recognized for the work I do . These days I would rather fly under the radar and keep my schedule as mellowPosted by I am feeling the weight of the world but I 'm so tired . I fight my anxiety , battling against the current of a future I cannot solely control . Sometimes I just want someone else to provide me with answers and solutions . There are times when I just wish I could lay down and quit trying or caring but I have this deeper sense that I am responsible not just for my own survival but for a multitude of other lives as well . Why this current tangent ? It has been a busy week , I 'm exhausted but the task of preparing myself for the next school year is looming . My school district has decide to restructure the English acquisition programs ( ESL ) in our district and this directly effects my students and my programs . Last night I went to a meeting to discuss this but I had this sense that most of the stakeholders in the decision - making process will not be involved in making the decisions . I realize that I don 't have to be left out . I can apply to be part of the group that will make the decisions but I 'm so tired . I want someone else to do this job . I want someone else to solve the problems but I am afraid that this is one of those times where I must attempt to participate for a greater good . My profile lists " activism " as one of my interests . It is , has been for a long time , but now I just don 't feel like I have the energy to do what must be done . Perhaps someone else will step up or appear to shoulder this burden but I am uncertain . Perhaps I will apply to help and not be accepted but I realize that despite my hesitations , I must try to help . This would have excited me a year ago but now I just long to do less , rest more and focus on teaching yoga . The ills in public education glare at me but I don 't want to own them . I honestly want to just show up , do a good job in my room and then leave the work behind at the end of the day . I have been able to do this for a while but I can tell that things are shifting and I am going to have to look and plan beyond my current horizon . I am just so tired . . . Today I am grateful that there is a vacaPosted by When I went to yoga today the teacher 's theme was purpose . She talked a lot about each of us having a purpose and she went on to claim that finding that purpose is the key to contentment . Several months ago I was reading Yoga and the Quest for the True Self but after a while , the book started to make me anxious and unhappy . I was obsessed with finding my true self , my purpose etc . . . This fixation troubled me . I could not remember who I was before MS and after it I no longer had a sense of who I was and what I wanted . When I finally stopped trying so hard , things got easier . I started living much more in the moment and enjoying the little things as they came to pass . Eventually I had a recollection of who I am and realized that I had never left . This feeling has brought me a measure of peace . I no longer feel adrift in a universe with no answers for me . Today 's yoga class did give me some pause though . I asked my husband , " Do you think we all have a purpose ? " This is a hard question , especially for someone who does not believe in a " higher power " or a " life after death . " My husband commented that we all need a purpose to take us through this life . I asked if it was preordained or if we create it for ourselves . He said we create it . I think I agree with this idea but I wonder if I might see my own purpose differently if I did not look at life through an MS lens . Would I still be satisfied with where I am at right now ? This is not a question I can actually answer because my life is my life . When I get to really thinking about something I like to think about it from many angles . The other day I tried to visualize what my life might be like if I were living my fantasies . It was quite a bit different but when I look at where I am , I am not discontent . My fantasy world is different but not necessarily better . My husband mentioned that his purpose was to be the best he could be although that might change on any given day . I like that way of thinking . I think that might be my purpose too ; giving life my all on any given day . Posted by It was hard but I got myself up in just enough time to go to a 9 : 00 am yoga class . To the early birds of the world I 'm sure this sounds pathetic but for me , when the weekend hits , it 's all about catching up on sleep . Even right now I am contemplating a nap ( LOL ) . Anyway . . . it was so beautiful outdoors when I stepped out to go to yoga that I couldn 't help but say , " Good morning sun , it 's good to be alive . " I even made sure no one was looking and then spread my arms out into a sun salutation . Sometimes I even crack myself up . I had a great yoga practice today at the studio where I teach . The owner is turning into my new favorite teacher so it was worth it to get up early and take her class . When I got home , the day was even nicer and my husband was busy turning all the dirt in the yard so he could lay sod . Amazingly , he had the whole yard ready by about noon and now he is just finishing up . It looks great . I made my own small contribution by weeding , sweeping the pathways around the yard and cleaning up debris . I actually also helped carry the sod off the truck and I imagine that 's why a nap is now creeping up on me . Either way , it was great to get outdoors , smell the fresh earth and enjoy the advent of spring . Today I am grateful for the return of spring . Chances are that if you have MS you have asked this question at one time or another . Chances are that if you are related to someone with MS that you have also wondered about treatments . This week Merelyme addresses this all important question on Health Central . Stop by and check out her article and all the comments from the MS community . You will even find a quote from your 's truly in the article . Happy reading , Nadja I have been busy lately . To adjust , I schedule a nap date with myself after each flurry of activity . This has been working well so far . On Monday I had my first MS " Self - Help Group " meeting so I went home right after work to rest and prepare for Tuesday . The group came right on the heels of my post about perspective . Somehow that line of thinking proved very important for me when I went to the group . Sometimes I get so caught up in being tired and sick or planning to avoid those states that I cannot take my mind off MS . Two of the women in the group mentioned that they now go days at a time without thinking about MS . I realized that I have not done this . In fact , I don 't think a day has gone by since my diagnosis where MS has not crossed my mind . Perhaps this is unavoidable as long as I blog here but hearing these women talk , I thought , " I want that kind of peace . " One of the women in the group has been diagnosed for twelve years now and she told me that she has never taken MS meds . She has an excellent quality of life and she does not let MS affect her planning or lifestyle . While it seems her symptoms are minimal and that may account for her attitude , hearing her talk really gave me a state of mind to aspire to . I am not trying to forget or deny the MS but I am working hard to get rid of my fears about the future . I think this group is going to be good for me . There was also a woman at the group who was just diagnosed in the last two weeks . She did not seem afraid or disturbed at all . I admire that . She has not had a serious exacerbation but learned of her MS because of some numbness in her arm . I wonder if generally feeling ok takes some of the fear out of the disease . As I thought this , I wondered if my state of mind might be better if I had never experienced a trauma as a result of my disease . When I feel bad it is hard for me to avoid conjuring up graphic sensory memories of vomiting blood in the waiting room of the hospital . I remember what it was like to suffer vertigo that questioned the laws of gravity . I Posted by Despite being busy , I cannot claim that I have the world 's most interesting life . . . That is if you count out the sky diving , world travel and jet setting that make up my regular routine ( not ) . Anyway , not too much to report here . I made it through the first week of CSAP ( our standardized testing ) and I only have a few more days to go . I taught some nice yoga classes this week too . The yoga class I 'm teaching at school is going very well so far . I have a number of super - engaged , very agile students who seem really into participating and that is refreshing . It is definitly a highlight for me right now . My Hatha class at the studio is also going well . On Thursday I had 11 students . I also got invited to a potluck at the studio in about a month and I am already excited for that . I did get out of the house for a while on Thursday to catch a hockey game at the bar with my husband and a few friends . I know it 's not much , but it was a change for me . I dragged through Friday and went to bed at about 9 : 30 . I did make it to Joan 's chat room last night were I enjoyed a lively conversation for over an hour . One of the things I realized when I was chatting is that a lot of people with MS seem to have the same concerns I mentioned in my previous post . One of the ladies at the chat asked , " How can I make other people understand why I overreact to little things ? " Her question made me realize that we cannot often reach that understanding unless we have walked a mile in someone else 's shoes . That is one of the best parts about meeting and talking to others with MS . Almost every time I talk to someone else with MS , or even with another chronic illness , we find common ground in our experiences and emotions around being ill . I think illness amplifies our concerns . When I feel well physically it is much easier to be positive and to look ahead . When I feel ill or exhausted , I lose faith in my ability to do new things and even doubt my ability to do the small things I do every day . I think an important part of perspective is realizing that Posted by I imagine that everyone who learns they have a life - altering illness or disease goes through a period or times of fear . I know I have mentioned this before but during this past year , I have really had to confront my mortatlity for the first time . I used to feel so invincible . It was as though I could do anything I put my mind to . Now I am less certain of myself . I worry about taking on too much . At moments I find myself almost paralyzed by thoughts of the future . I think that is because I often have to psyche myself up and remind myself I can get through the week or even the day . When I look too far into the future , I am filled with anxiety and dread . I want to plan for next school year . I want to plan for the summer but when I think about what needs to be done , I get terrified and it seems the only way to calm myself is to focus back on the day where I am . This may not be a bad thing . It keeps me very present . I have been learning to realign my mind this way . It was really only a few days ago when I realized that it was the future that was at the root of almost all the anxiety I experience . This was a good revelation because I think it is easier to confront the fears that can be identified , rather than those that are hazy and disturbing . Today I am grateful to know the source of my fear so I can begin to confront it . " Good morning sun it 's good to be alive , " intoned Hayward , our yoga guide at Hawaii 's Yoga Oasis . Every day for years he has faced the sun and said this . I found myself repeating these words shortly after my diagnoses . I think I started welcoming the sun once I could stand on my own two feet again . The longer and better I could stand , the greater my joy . I think that once I could balance on one foot again that I knew I was going to be ok . It was actual light that brought me toward healing from my first exacerbation . I remember that when I first was diagnosed , many people kept telling me about the candles they had lit for me . During the night I wrote about in Part 2 , I used those candles as a guide . I hadn 't slept in days . Days without sleep and large doses of steroids do strange things to people . The night before my healing began , I stayed up almost all night surfing the net and reading strange stories about the Nadja who is my namesake . In my heightened state it was as though we connected across time . When I closed my lap top to sleep , I began to drift off for the first time in a while and then I felt her beside me . My heart raced as for a minute , I thought I beheld her ghost . Then I startled fully awake to find this specter an image of my overactive imagination . That night as I struggled with the pain in my body , she visited again briefly . It was a dark and stormy night ( literally ) but I banished her from my room and set to healing myself with breathe . I breathed , moving in circles through my vertigo but when I closed my eyes I felt as though I was tumbling . At this point , I focused on my breath , deepening it through the pain . The breath alone was not enough to stop my tumble so I began to imagine the candle my mother had lit for me at the Notre Dame cathedral . I followed the light of that candle in the dark place behind my eyes and for the first time in a long time , I was not afraid . I breathed and breathed . All the candles people had lit for me surrounded me and I was reassured by the voices of every tPosted by I must have overdone it or something because yesterday 's complaints are nothing compared to today 's . I lay in bed half the day fighting nausea , muscle ache and a sore throat . I still feel lousy , almost lousy enough to call in tomorrow but not quite . This is a big week at our school because we start our mandated , standardized testing on Tuesday and it 's serious stuff . I don 't want to miss tomorrow because I want to preview the test and also do some last minute review with the kids but I could really use a day . I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will feel a lot better in the morning . Today my husband pointed out that I almost always sick on Sundays . He said he knew why . I thought he was going to say it was because I was dreading the week but he surprised me . He said that I am doing too much on Saturdays and I need to slow down . He said I am doing two day 's stuff in one day and I needed to just chill a little . I am glad he said this because I always feel guilty watching him do stuff around the house when I am doing little . I guess he would rather that I did less so I would have the energy for us to spend more time together . That sounds good because one of the things that was getting me down yesterday was how much my exhaustion has been getting in the way of me doing the things I really want to do . Next weekend I am going to try to be more mellow on Saturday to see if it helps . Today I am grateful that my family has what we need , not just for survival but for actual comfort . I am grateful that I have a nice , warm , cozy bed to convalesce in when I feel bad . I am tired . I am tired of trying to figure out every day if I will make it to my next nap without going through a period of discomfort and disgust . Sometimes I just wish I could stop looking at my life through the lens of chronic illness . Before , the issue was always time . I felt like I did not have enough time to do everything I had planned . Now I don 't make that many plans so it 's not really a huge issue and yet all my sleeping seems to get in the way of doing some of the things I most want to do . Lately I am rarely to sick to clean my house , cook dinner and go to work but by the time I have taken care of the musts , I am exhausted and it is time to sleep again so I won 't get really sick . Don 't get me wrong , I love sleeping , I just hate watching the time I planned to spend writing or reading constantly being eaten up . I have been scarce in blogland . I can hardly find the time to write and I almost never have the time to read the way I want to . There are all these ideas of things I want to write and things I want to create but I fear they may have to wait until my next vacation . I think it is that way with just about everyone but before I was sick , I seemed to find the time and energy to do it all . Today I was actually up at 7 : 30 , went to an hour and fifteen minutes of yoga , ran an errand and cleaned my house all by 2 : 00 pm . The problem is that I started to turn into a pumpkin around 1 : 00 and by 2 : 45 I was already taking a nap . I slept for two hours and by then , the afternoon was almost gone . Again , don 't get me wrong , the nap was awesome but now it 's almost time to leave home for the evening and I never wrote the things I wanted to write today . I did not read anything and I created nothing . My husband told me that the time changes tonight and all I can think of is how tired I am going to be all week . I have learned not to think too much about this . Such thoughts just make me more tired but still I long for all the energy I used to take for granted . Why is staying out past 9 : 00 pm a chore ? Today I am grateful that tPosted by I find life a twisted path that I continue to navigate with varying degrees of success . There is a part of me that desires complete control and another part of me that wants to surrender all my will to come what may . These desires compete and sometimes one outstrips the other . If MS has taught me nothing , it is that I am not in control but old habits die hard . I want to let go , quit grasping so hard for the reigns but sometimes it is as though I canot live without the illusion that I can somehow manipulate my life and my health to make them as I would have them . I pat myself on the back for taking care of things . I pat myself on the back for getting through each day but more and more I find that I must just accept things as they come . When I must push through pain and adversity I will if I can but I am beginning to find that by resting when my body tells me to rest , easing my grasp on the reigns and living one day at a time , I am more satisfied with the ultimate outcomes in my daily existence . Accepting that I am not in control is hard . Yesterday when I taught yoga I encouraged my students to let go of any need they might have for control . I told them that all we can really control on any given day is our state of mind . This is true but boy is it hard to control ones state of mind all the time . My therapist said it is ok to feel what you feel . I try to do this to without falling apart at the seams . For me I think it is ok to feel sad or anxious when I do , I just cannot let it consume me . So what have I been up to lately ? I have just been trying to make the best of each day . I have been trying to enjoy the things that I enjoy and to carry the good feelings from those things around with me . I think I feel the very best when I am teaching yoga and right afterwards . I guess that means I just have to teach a lot of yoga . Today I am grateful that I have the opportunity to teach yoga almost every day . Hello all Sarah recently emailed me about an interest in guest posting here on my blog to fine - tune her writing skills and to begin marketing herself as a writer to a larger audience . Being of the writer sort myself I promised to help her out . Below please find her article about cross training and then go check out her site for yourself by following the links . Good luck Sarah ! Train Your Sight on Cross Training : by Sarah ScraffordI 've been working out for at least 8 months now , and although my stamina levels have gone up and I 've lost quite a number of pounds , my overall fitness was not anything to write home about . It 's not like I was slouching off at the gym - I jogged for half an hour on the treadmill , cycled for another 20 minutes , and did a few abdominal crunches . But it wasn 't enough , and I didn 't know what I was doing wrong until a new trainer came along and introduced me to the world of cross training . For the uninitiated , cross training involves a fitness routine that works every part of your body . While jogging and cycling are good exercises , they are cardio workouts that improve your stamina and help burn calories and decrease fat . You need to build your strength with lean muscle mass and also increase your flexibility and balance with techniques like yoga and tai chi . When you lift weights , do squats and lunges , and get involved in other exercises that tone your muscles , you improve the way you look . You lose sagging flesh , your butt firms up and your breasts become perky . Your skin becomes tighter and your posture improves . Yoga , tai chi or other similar exercises help you relax and improve your mood and overall well - being . Cross training also helps you avoid injuries , especially the repetitive ones that are caused by strain to your body parts that are used regularly when you exercise or play a sport . You also prevent falls and accidents that happen because of muscular imbalances - when you workout without training all your muscles equally , some become more developed than others , and thiPosted by

I 've started a new blog ! A blog solely dedicated to what 's going on in my world beyond knitting & purling . Heyawesome ! Will continue to be my craft blog - caregiv ' r is my blog about being a . . . . err . . . caregiver . I mentioned that he had been experiencing some well known side effects of transplant but that it was being kept under control by his meds . Seems now that maybe those meds aren 't really doing a good enough job . He has GvHD of the gut - so he 's having a heck of a time keeping things down ( and in , as it were ) . For the past week I 've seen him try to eat / drink the smallest portions of things only to have it come back up shortly after . This morning he felt so weak - disoriented . He called the head nurse & she advised him to get to the ER as quickly as possible . It was then that I realized we didn 't have a very good contingency plan in place . He was too weak to take a cab by himself . . . I could go with him with Frankie in the cab , but then how long could I stay with him for ? Do I want to bring the baby to the ER ? We thought of who we knew with a car who was around during the day . . . . no one , not really . So the ambulance came . He 'll most likely be kept for a couple of days . They are hydrating him & the probably switching around some of his meds which will hopefully put him back on track . There is so much going on right now . G 's dad is in the hospital in Hamilton - his cancer has metastasized - he 's putting in one heck of a fight ( 32 year kidney transplantee ! ) I think G gets a lot of his strength from his father - it 's so admirable . I hate that all of this is happening at once . No , wait - I hate that all of this is happening AT ALL . Gord 's mom & I said that we should go to an island after this & lay on the beach with fancy drinks " Without a care in the World ! " - those words just kept ringing in my head over & over . . . without a care in the world . Impossible to imagine right now . He 's pretty exhausted most of the time & is dealing now with some of the well known side effects of transplant but seems to be kind of controlling it with meds . As I type this he 's playing guitar for Frankie who is happily bouncing away in her bouncy chair , letting out squeals of delight & clapping her hands together ( her new adorable skill ! ) It 's so nice to all be together again . Tiny Red Riding Hood . I used Berroco ' Weekend ' from my stash for this . No pattern really , just cast on enough stitches to fit around her ( 98 ? I think ? , knit even & then k2tog 'd a bunch at the neck edge . For the hood I just knit a big rectangle that fit around her head & then grafted the stitches together at the back . Then I knit a little tab for the front & sewed on 2 buttons . I ' Pretty in Pink 'd ' her skirt by combining two dresses that are now too small for her . I took the crinoline from one & sewed it to the bottom half of a red checkered dress . Then I sewed rick - rack to some thick black elastic & attached it to the skirt for the waistband . She just wore a white onesie for the top . I made her some boots too , but they didn 't fit properly so luckily she already had these snappy red check mary janes already in her closet . Knitting for Frankie is pretty satisfying - she 's small , so projects are pretty quick and also ? This is the ' Striped Elf Hat ' . I used some unidentified sock yarn from my stash . I only had one 50g ball of it & it was more than enough . I cast on less stitches than the pattern said to ( 170 instead of 180 ) to fit my little lady 's noggin & it worked out to be just right . And last but not least , a little something for me ! I cast on for the River Run Wrap in TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHT . Originally I was making it for my friend Susannah , but then she asked me to make her an all over cabled cardigan out of fingering weight yarn so I decided she already received enough of my knitting time . I ditched the whole ' wrap ' idea & decided to knit until I got to the end of the second ball of yarn . I grafted the ends together ( conveniently enough this was started way back when with a provisional cast on ) and there I have it - a 2 loop cowl . I think I 'll get a lot of use out of this . When I wear Frankie in the carrier , I definitely need something around my neck since my coat isn 't done up & when I wear scarves she just chews & slobbers all over the ends of them . I 've been sewing a bit too - mostly sleep sacks for Frances . I 've been asked to make a little tutorial , so I 'm working on that but I 'm learning how much I suck at taking photos as I go along . So that 's it - simple days around here since we 're pretty much living in a bubble for the next couple of months . It 's okay though , it 's a cozy bubble . For most of last week , his white blood cells were at 0 . 01 , which is very , very low ( . 01 away from none ? ) on Sunday they went up to 0 . 04 . Monday they were at 0 . 09 & today they are 1 . 1 . This means that the new cells are setting up shop & making new ones . He was getting platelet transfusions , but they 've stopped giving them to him because those are also on a tiny little increase on their very own . I realize I have not blogged about anything crafty for a while - I 'm still at it & I 've finished up some projects that I just need to take some photos of . Sadly , knitting is slow going for me these days on account of I got a bad case of Mother 's Wrist . It got so bad that even pulling my sheets up over me when I got into bed made my eyes well up . I got Dr 's orders to wear a wrist brace * all the time * for 6 weeks - which suuuuuuucks but hopefully it 'll help out my wrist . I can still knit , it 's just not as fast or as relaxing as it should be for me . Gord 's blood counts are all way , way down in the dumper ( right on schedule ) , he 's tired , queasy , sore in the mouth , but generally he is doing pretty good - definitely better than I was expecting . I hope I 'm not eating my words in a couple of days though . The nurse told him yesterday that now until engraftment ( usually around day + 18 , we 're on day + 8 now ) takes place is when he 'll feel the worst . Here 's hoping the next week & a half is just as uneventful as these first 8 . Yesterday after I picked Frankie up from the PMH daycare ( which , by the way is such an amazing , amazing service offered by he hospital . I am really truly amazed by it ! ) I brought her up to the doors of Gord 's unit . He 's not allowed to leave & kids under 9 aren 't allowed in , so I stood with her at the little window in the door so they could see each other . It was so nice . I think Frances was really starting to notice he wasn 't around - she had huge , huge smiles when she saw him . The daycare is closed on the weekends & Frankie has her 6 month check - up on Monday so I won 't be back to visit him until Tuesday - these next 3 days are going to feel very long . A while ago , I saw these alphabet rings from Catbird & immediately wanted them . Three of them . They arrived to me ( after some fancy shipping arrangements ) the other day & I am thrilled . I love looking down & seeing my little family hanging out on my finger together . We ( Gord 's mom , my dad & I ) got there right when he was being hitched up to his new cells . It took about an hour . Gord was a bit dopey from the Benadryl they gave him so he just rested & I stared at the little red bag . The tiny bag full of new cells from someone ( in Europe , but we know nothing more than that ) dripped into him . Quietly saying ' Thank You ' . Boring . Just the way they like it . My mom stayed home with Frances & stayed over that night so I could visit with him on Saturday . When I saw him yesterday he was feeling mostly good , just super tired . And although he 's the one who is going through transplant , I was the one who napped during our visit . So now we just wait . . . for what ? For him to feel shitty , which apparently is a GOOD thing as it means the new cells are making themselves at home & engrafting . It feels weird to not be able to just go there & hang out with him all day like I 've been able to do in the past . Luckily , Frankie seems to really enjoy the daycare at the hospital - although this week hasn 't been good at all for her nap schedule . Babies are resilient though & this is just a short time ( hopefully ) . You know the sound of a train starting up ? ( If you don 't , go to youtube & type ' train start up ' and get lost in the world of trainspotters . . . . then come back here ) . It 's what I keep thinking about . This train 's starting up & there 's a lot of track to travel . Gord was admitted into PMH on Saturday and promptly came home on an overnight pass . Hooray ! We had Thanksgiving dinner at our friend 's house & got home in time to put Frankie to bed & then he took a cab back to the hospital . He kissed me goodbye & I stood at the top of the stairs casually waving at him , telling him I loved him & I 'd talk to him soon . Just like when he 'd leave for work in the morning . His transplant will be on the 14th , but before then he has to go through a really intensive chemo & full body radiation . That will ( hopefully ) kill off any tiny Leukemia cells that are squatting in his system & will basically make his blood into just a red liquid in his veins . Then , in what sounds like the most uneventful life saving procedure ever , they will inject the donors cells into him by way of IV . They said it will take about 20 minutes . Then we wait for engraftment . There . Just like that . Isn 't science cool ? Of course we know it 's not as simple as that but why get yourself tangled up in all that could possibly happen ? We know there will be the regular cast of characters - pain , nausea , weakness , fatigue , high risk of infection , nasty mouth sores . They gave us extensive lists of possible & common side - effects and risks but I 'm really hoping things go as smoothly as they possibly can . During his time in the hospital the toughest thing will be not being able to see Frankie . Kids under 10 aren 't allowed on the transplant floor . Luckily there is a daycare there that I can drop her off at while I go hang out with G . In fact , we 're going for the first time tomorrow . I hope she does okay . I 'm a little worried about naps . They told me that if I just tell them how I get her down , they 'll do the same . Okay : feed her , put a soother in her mouth , put her in the mai tai , sometimes she needs a hat to cover her eyes & shut off the stimulation , then put on a record ( usually I - Roy ) & then pat her bum & sway . I guess we 'll just have to see how it goes . This summer has been good . Really good . At the beginning of July G ended up getting Pneumonia and a fungal lung infection ( don 't worry ! it gets better ! ) . He was in a bad way for a couple of weeks . Despite being on a pretty crazy cocktail of antibiotics & feeling pretty crummy , he never spent a day in bed - he got up , got dressed & did the day . I 've filed this under the ' Count your blessings where you find them ' category because his Dr decided to put his chemo on hold so that he could properly recover from the infections . G recovered fairly quickly ( although still has some of the fungal infection ) and so we were set loose . Nothing to do but nothing . We Lazily started our days making delicious breakfasts . Afternoon walks & naps . Playing & cuddling with Frances - still pretty amazed that she 's ours . We went away to a cottage with G 's family for 5 days . Amazing to get away - and I was sure to drink up every moment of it . All of this living it up made it easy to forget what else is going on in our lives . . . . . oh yeah . . . . . . Leukemia . I just want more of this . Forever . A peaceful trio : G + N + F . Is it so much to ask ? Is it too much to hope for ? When we got home from our mini vacation there was a message from PMH saying they had a date for the transplant . October 12th . He 'll be admitted on the 6th . In the meantime he 's back on chemo to keep him in remission . Back to reality . Yesterday we sat in a room and waited . For a very , very long time . Gord 's mom & dad & I finally met with the transplant team to find out what we can expect from his BMT . It was pretty surreal - the Dr spoke so factually . They will kill all of G 's marrow with mega - chemo & full body radiation - make all his blood counts bottom out at zero , fill him back up with stem cells from someone else . Some unknown person somewhere out there in the world . He went through the risks , of which there are many : cataracts , skin problems , mouth sores , future cancers , relapse of his own disease , organ failure . . and more . He went over the pro : the disease could be gone . I sat as I always do , taking in the information like a sponge , probably looking pretty nonplussed . Truth of the matter is I was listening to someone explain to me the mortality rates & percentages of success in relation to my partner , my best friend , the father of my baby - the man I knew I wanted to spend my olden years with within the first week of knowing him . For me there is no other option . He 's got to get through it . We 've had a couple of real scorcher days . We caved & turned on the AC & had the ceiling fans running ( ceiling fans are Frankies favourite things ! ) . Our freezer has homemade lemonade popsicles in it & our fridge is nicely packed with delicious seasonal fruit & vegetables . Summer ! And just in time for the heatwaves , I finished this : Navajo Cardigan from the Patons book ' Anti Freeze ' Patons Classic Wool RovingI started this sweater last May . I was hoping to finish it in time to bring on our trip to Newfoundland , but I only worked on it during lunch hour at work & didn 't get it done in time & then it just lingered . When I packed up my stuff before going on mat leave , I found it neatly packed in a zippered bag & I promised I 'd finish it . I made one big change - as written , the sleeves are too short for me so I did some math & charted them out & now they are perfect . So . . . the sleeves fit , but the rest of the sweater is sadly too small for me at this time . When I began knitting this I was not pregnant & had no idea that my body would soon be swelling with a baby ( and umm . . . like , several bagels & cream cheese ) . I ended up gaining quite a bit of weight in those 40 weeks & I 'm having a heck of a time getting rid of it now . I 've tucked it away in a safe place & will hopefully get to wear it once the weather gets cold enough to need a big thick wool sweater . Now that this is done , I am devoting what little knitting time I have to finishing a cardigan my friend Susanna asked me to knit for her FIVE YEARS AGO . I started it right when she requested it & then , well , stuff happened & my life went crazy & then it got lost in the land of UFOs . It 's going nicely now though , and I have just one sleeve and a half to go . And guys ? It 's a beauty . Very ! Important ! Blog ! Entry ! The first time Gord was diagnosed with Leukemia it was a shock . The second time he was diagnosed it wasn 't so much shocking as it was unfair . We were angry ! Why was this happening to us * again * ? Right when things were getting so good , right when our little family was about to begin ? I felt foolish for not thinking for even a second that he could relapse . Of course he could . When we met with his Dr , he told us that this time his best chance for long term survival without relapse was a Bone Marrow Transplant . His brother & sister were tested but unfortunately were not matches . Gord 's been dutifully going through chemo , but he was starting to question why and what if it didn 't work ? To be honest , spirits were dropping a little around here . Then last week . . . . ! Last week he got a call from his oncologists office saying they have found a match ( ! ! ! ! ) It is still very early stages & he doesn 't meet with the transplant team until July , but for sure this has pumped some air back in his tires . He is thrilled , I am thrilled . Transplants come with their own lovely list of complications & I know it will be tough , but what this means is that there is a good chance he will be around for years & years & ( hopefully ) years to enjoy our family . Which is great because lately , he & Frankie have become total BFFs . . . Now , how did they find Gordie a match ? Through a mega huge database of possible donors . Wonderful people who have taken the time ( approx 2 minutes ) to put themselves in the registry . Want to be one of those wonderful people ? If you are Canadian , check out onematch . For our American neighbours , visit be the match . You will get a swab kit mailed to you & the it is as easy as . . . swabby swab hereand a shwabber here . . . And then a swabberino over here . . . And then one last swab - a - lab - a - ding - dong over here . . . Stick them in the slots ( honestly , this was the hardest part ) And then mail ' er off ! Hopefully one day I 'll get the call & I can pay it forward . xoxo ! ( FYI - I changed the comment settings on my blog , I think somPosted by What 's been happening ? Some of this . . . Some of this . . . Often there is this . . . But more often than that , there is this . . . I figure we must be doing something right . Gord 's doing well - tired a lot of the time , but mostly good , I think . That might be easier for me to say than for him . We got through his first hospital stay since the baby without any trouble . It was hard for both of us - for him to be away from his baby & for me to be away from my babe . He was in for 5 days & we visited him only once . A lot different from the days when I could just go & sit beside him for hours on end . He 's halfway through the consolidation bit - what comes after that is unknown for now - they are searching for a bone marrow match , but what if they can 't find one ? I wish could just wiggle my nose or click my heels & make it Go . Away . Oddly enough , having the baby around makes things a little easier . We have this super awesome person to take our minds off of the dark stuff . It 's hard to get lost in sadness when this is who you get to spend your days with . Food . One of our most basic needs , and one I was having a heck of a time giving my little lady . I struggled with breastfeeding from day one in the hospital . For the first week of Frankie 's life I was a wreck . I was a sweaty , topless banshee . I smelled like I had hiked the entire Bruce Trail . I was told nursing may be difficult for me as I didn 't have much breast tissue - but it didn 't really hit me what that meant . What that meant was that Frankie wouldn 't ever be satisfied & would be screaming to be fed - and if she wasn 't screaming , she 'd grumpily fall asleep - probably just to take her mind off her hunger . She would then wake up . . . screaming to be fed . So I called the Lactation services of the hospital & they comforted me & told me to come in - they told me they could help me . And boy howdy did they ! Breastfeeding brings with it so ! many ! emotions ! - and the guilt I felt about not being able to provide my kid with her only real demand broke my heart . It made me cry several times a day . The lactation consultant I got hooked up with gave me back my sanity - she told me it was OK - she patiently held my hand & guided me through all my options ; and I tried them all . Herbal supplements , tube feeding , finger feeding , nipple shields , pumping , formula supplementing , prescription meds , understanding that happy mom = happy baby & coming to peace with the fact that giving my baby formula was not going to mess her up . Now I am weaning off the prescription meds ( side effects are NOT cool - I feel worse 5 weeks postpartum than I did 40 weeks pregnant ! ) , I am pumping , I am happy to be giving Frankie about 50 / 50 Breast milk / formula & although I am sad to not have to go to see the Lactation consultant anymore , I am glad that Frankie & I have hammered out some kind of deal & we are able to forge ahead on our own . How to thank someone for getting me through the toughest thing I 've ever had to go through ? No , it 's not a curling stone - it 's a knitted boob ! I wasn 't sure how it 'd be received but I 'm happy to report that she loved it . She moPosted by I knew having a baby would mean that I 'd have to give up some of my freedoms : The freedom to sleep inThe freedom to go out whenever I wantedThe freedom to drink as many beers as I wanted when I when outHeck , the freedom to go to the bathroom when I needed to ? But one thing I didn 't really think about is that my freedom of using my hands , my arms would be taken away by my tiny boss . And really , I 'm on the clock more often than not . It 's for this reason I 'd like to get an Amen for the Baby Carrier . . I started out using the Moby . This wrap is good for around the house - but considering it 's 18 feet of jersey fabric , I was having difficulty imagining going anywhere with it . Because of the length , it takes a while to put it on & get it right & I had to watch several youtube videos to get it right . But hey , it let me make & eat breakfast ! It has it 's downsides - Frances doesn 't like getting in it . Part of this may be my technique , but it takes a couple of minutes for her to remember that ' Oh yeah , I like being snuggled up in here . . . ' BUT ! She does not like to be snuggled up in there for very long & when her time is up it . is . up . And oh - she usually throws up upon entering the Moby - so there 's one part near the front that 's gnarly & when you wash this thing , it shrinks right the heck up & takes a bit to stretch back out . She usually falls asleep quickly , but doesn 't like her head to be tucked in the pocket for support - so I find myself supporting her head with my hand a lot of the time which defeats the purpose . It sounds like I don 't like the Moby , but really - this was the gateway to freedom for me ! Today I remembered that months & months ago I made a Mei Tai carrier using the tutorial at Still Learning the Game of LifeWhen I made it , I kind of shoved it aside as I doubted its usefulness . It seemed big & bulky & cumbersome . I wanted to be sure it was sturdy , so I used heavy fabrics & reinforced the Hell out of it . Frankie is going through some kind of phase where she 'll fall into a deep sleep when she 's on my chest , but asPosted by Hello from babyland ! Things seem to be hitting some kind of sort - of - rhythm . That ' rhythm ' is eat , sleep , poop - but hey , I 'll take it ! At least ' sleep ' seems to be a bigger part of the equation than it was that first week & a half . I 've even found a way to squeeze some knitting into my days . It is so nice to fit in some * me * time since our world suddenly is so All About Baby . Still though , my me time seems still to find a way to be All About Baby . Elizabeth Zimmerman 's Baby Surprise Jacket . Handspun my parents brought home from Scotland - I had about 1 yard left over . A very close call ! Nothing to say about this pattern that hasn 't been said before . Fun to knit & fun to watch form . ' Cardigan Raglan ' from La Droguerie 's Tous le BebesMisti Alpaca Solids . This pattern was * very * cryptic - or should I say ' cryptique ' ? I got it from a french book - so there were some educated guesses to be made , but I think I got it right & it fits like a glove . I started this 2 days before I went into labour & had one sleeve left to do . I finally found the time to finish it up last night . At the rate she 's eating & therefore growing , this won 't fit for long so it 's a good thing I got it done . Gord & I have had to blend our rooms together ; My sewing room + his music studio stuff = WHOAH ! That 's a lot of stuff crammed into a tiny room ! My main focus now is for real to use what I got & to finish off lingering projects . Next up on my naptime knitting ? Yes ! A sweater . . . for ME ! Welcome to the world , Frances Marian ! When I woke up at 5am on April 7th , I wasn 't sure if what I was feeling were contractions . I took a bath and tried my best to relax , but the discomfort wouldn 't go away & seemed to be picking up pace . I texted Bianca , our Doula to tell her what was going on & she called me back & said it looked like we were going to Babytown that day . In prenatal class we were told that early labour could last up to 12 hours - and that you should go to the hospital once contractions were 5 minutes apart for 1 hour . Mine went straight to about 2 - 3 minutes apart . Our awesome friend Avril came over to drive us to the hospital right smack dab in the middle of morning traffic & Bianca made it just in time ( I was getting super edgy & was insisting on just going to the hospital without waiting for her to arrive ) . I kept looking out the window & thinking ' Everyone else is going to work . . . I 'm going to have a baby ! ' My labour was , quite honestly , wonderful . There is nothing I would have done differently , I progressed quickly through all stages , she came out with 9 minutes of pushing & Gord was able to be there for the whole entire thing - he cut the cord & got skin on skin contact with her right after I did . Having a doula was the best thing we could have possibly done - she was so awesome ! It really made all the difference for us . It 's been 3 weeks now & I still cannot believe I made her ! I 've scoured every inch of her body & there is not one single thing wrong with her . The first week was pretty hairy - I was having lots of Breastfeeding issues , but things are starting to sort themselves out now . She even spends some of her time with her eyes open ! We 're totally in love with her . She 's a real ( Niagara ) peach . Now . . . to figure out how to get some knitting in ! One thing I was glad to say goodbye to the first time G went through treatment was the whole taking his temperature thing . Every hour or so , he 'd pop the thermometer into his mouth & I 'd hold my breath until I heard it beep . ' What is it ? ' ' No fever . ' PHEW . or : ' FUCK ! ' Now , again , the same sense of dread every time he slips the thermometer under his tongue . He 's been neutropenic since he was discharged from the hospital & we 've been keeping a close eye on his temperature . Anything over 38 & we 're supposed to go to the ER . So last night , he was hovering . . . . 37 . 9 . . . . 38 . 2 . . . . . 37 . 5 . . . . . . 38 . . . . finally , we decided to just go . Not really where either of us wanted to be , but it had to be done . I left him there at 2am , when we were told he 'd be admitted - something , probably an infection but they don 't know where , was causing the fever . ( Props to the TGH triage nurse though - who , upon finding out I was very nearly 40 weeks pregnant arranged to have a more comfortable chair put in the room ! ) So I came home & slept ( uncomfortably ) and today , apparently , he will get to come home . There 's home care visits to give him ( yet more ) antibiotics & I am trying to stay rested & as relaxed as possible to keep this baby hanging in there until G feels better . So far , she is very agreeable . Baby showers are fun - but even more fun when they involve pinatas ! And adorable hand knits ! The lovely ladies at work threw me a wonderful shower before I left . A superb potluck spread , the Most Delicious Cake I 've Ever Eaten , homemade pinata ( ! ! ) and a wealth of thoughtful & sweet as pie gifts . Here I am with the talented pinata makers - it took many , many thwumps to bust this open - I ended up having to punch it open with my fists ! One of the ( many ) perks of working where I do is that my co - workers are very smart & talented . And they are knitters . So what happens when there 's a baby on the horizon ? The sticks get busy ! Adorable hats from Suzanne ! I love the tiny tam ! And what 's this ? Svetlana sees a sweater on a baby journal & decides to show off by re - creating the sweater ? Seriously - matching sweater & journal ? My baby is one lucky lady ! Not one to be outdone , Gayle hit it out of the park with this tiny & perfect fair isle cardigan . So cute it brought tears to my eyes when I opened it up ! And just in case all of this wasn 't enough - just on the off chance I wanted to be sent over the edge into cuteness coma , Julia served up this sugary sweet concoction . Yeah ! Months ago , when being pregnant was my own special secret , Gayle came back from a trip to Paris with some wonderful pattern books from La Droguerie . I casually flipped through them , and then not so casually flipped out when I came across an adorable Strawberry Jumper & its matching co - ordinates . I became somewhat fixated on it - when the Ultrasound technician told us we were having a girl , the strawberry jumper was the first thing I thought of . Why then , did I put off making it ? I couldn 't find the right yarn , mostly - and then things got sort of hectic in my life & I didn 't have time for searching . Julia not only re - ignited my Jumper desire , but she also included the yarn for me to make it ! I 'll be casting on shortly ! Along with these hand knits , came lots of other grade - A gifts . This baby is already spoiled ! And how 's this for a heart - warming scene ? There 's GordiPosted by That month went so much faster than I thought it would . Thank God . Gord was discharged from the hospital on Saturday ! Honestly , this couldn 't have happened at a better time . I was really starting to loose steam . Going to work & going to the hospital ( almost ) every day was really starting to take a toll on me . Luckily , I had my last day of work last week & Gord is home & now I can relax . Kind of . It was my birthday on Sunday & honestly - all I wanted was for him to be home . It was nice to get my wish . The nature of the new protocol G 's on is different than the first go - around . There 's way , way more hospital time . He 's doing something called Hyper CVAD - which is 8 rounds of ' Cycle A & B ' . Cycle A is done as an outpatient , twice a week going to PMH . Cycle B is given every 21 days ( depending on counts ) and requires a 10 day admit into the hospital . B cycle really does a number on him - mega high dose of some pretty brutal stuff . How we will work this with a baby in the mix is not yet clear , but I am so glad I don 't have to also juggle work ! And me ? Creeping closer to my due date , mindful of every single twinge & new sensation I feel - - wondering if any of it * means * anything . I 'm nudging up to the 39th week & incredibly thankful ( and somewhat surprised ) that I feel this good . My feet aren 't swelling , my blood pressure is nice & low , even my hormones are mostly in check . Hard to believe that some time within the next couple of weeks this little person will be in my arms & not taking up so much space inside my body . They threw me a wonderful shower at work - I 'll show off the goods in my next post . Lets just say , it 's really nice to have knitwear designers as co - workers . I 'm 37 weeks , 6 days . 2 weeks away from D - Day . Seems like only yesterday I was peeing on the stick & waking a sleeping & disoriented Gord up to tell him that there was something ( someONE ) growing inside me . Things are mostly in place - we got diapers ( a bunch of prefolds & covers ) , we got a place for her to sleep , a place for her to take a bath , and a bajillion tiny outfits . Now , all we need is a baby . And for Gord to come home . Just need some tiny feet to put in these . Gord 's been doing well - some days are better than others , but on the whole I 'd say the good ones far outweigh the bad . It 's easy for me to say that though . He was able to come home for 2 nights last week on a hospital pass . It gave him the opportunity to see the painted nursery & make me dinner ( ! ) . I had 2 of the best nights sleeps I 've had in about a month . There 's a chance he 'll be home this week , which is great . I 'm really hoping to have at least a week of not doing much of anything . Help has been coming in from all directions & it 's been wonderful . I don 't know what I did to win the friend lottery , but I 'm sure thankful . Not being afraid of asking for help is a new & useful skill ! I just hope I can repay all of these amazing favours some day . xo I get bigger & slower everyday . It 's incredibly frustrating because I want to be able to help G as much as I can , but the truth is - I 'm loosing steam . Balancing work ( only got 1 1 / 2 weeks to go ! ! ) , growing a tiny person & being there for my guy is sure taking a lot out of me . In some ways , the fact that this is a relapse has it 's perks . We don 't have the same worry & fear of the unknown . We 've been through it before , we know what to expect . Energy is not spent worrying about what is ahead of us . I know all too well what 's coming up . in 2007 my main squeeze was diagnosed with ALL . After 2 1 / 2 years of treatment we went on our merry way . In February 2011 , when I was 34 weeks pregnant he relapsed . He had an allo SCT in October 2011 & this is where I 'm going to write about it .

May 10 , 2017May 18 , 2017 - Danielle @ The T - Rex Runner I 'd like to say that the morning of the Prague Marathon started with me rising from my bed , refreshed and ready to take on the day , but that 's not at all what happened . In reality , I spent the night desperately willing myself to fall asleep and trying everything in my power to make that happen sometime before our 6 am wake - up call . Despite my best efforts , I finally nodded off around 3 : 30 am and spent the next few hours waking up off and on . Not exactly the ideal start to the morning , but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I 've run marathons on no sleep before . When I got up , my back was not in ideal condition , but I pushed it out of my mind and told myself to just see what happened . Bobbi and I headed down to the hotel breakfast , which we had somehow missed on our first two mornings in Prague . We 're kicking ourselves for that now because the Hilton Prague has the best breakfast buffet I 've ever seen , including a gluten free section . It was magic . We then boarded the 7 : 45 bus from our hotel - with tons of elite athletes , who were all staying there - and headed to the race . One of the RunCzech team members then took us to the area where we were to drop off our bags , and we hit the bathrooms for one last stop . Soon enough , it was time to head to our corrals for the 9 am start ! We were in the last corral , which seemed to be where everyone with an estimated finish time of 4 : 30 or higher would be . Our South Carolina state flag tank tops and American flag hats were a big hit , with lots of people commenting on them . One guy came up to me and asked " Are you from South Carolina ? " in a European accent . I said yes , and he said that he used to live in Greenville and recently moved . I told him that I live in Greenville , he asked which part … and long story short , he literally LIVED ON MY STREET . We talked about our neighbors and it was honestly the most surreal thing ever . What a small world , right ? I felt like that meant good things for the day ahead . The race starts in the middle of Prague 's Old Town , and it is every bit as magical as you could possibly imagine . Bobbi and I just kept looking at each other and saying " Oh my gosh ! " as we made our way to the line . Classical music was playing loudly as we moved through the corrals , and it just felt so very … European . As we crossed the cobblestone ( about 10 percent of the course is on cobblestone ) start line , tons of people were cheering and we just said " We 're running the PRAGUE MARATHON ! " It was definitely a " pinch me " moment and I felt like no matter what the race brought , I was going to remember the experience forever . The early part of the race winds through Old Town before crossing the first of many bridges across the river . As we crossed the first bridge , we looked on both sides and saw runners crossing the bridges on either side of us , too ! I think it was somewhere on this bridge that I tripped and nearly bit it on the cobblestone - yeah , like mile 2 . Not a great sign because at that point , I still had my wits about me ! On that note , the Prague Marathon is the fastest May marathon in the world , so extremely competitive athletes come here from all over the world ( 88 countries , in fact ! ) to run their best , despite the cobblestone hazard . We had studied the course map and generally had a pretty good idea of the locations of the water stops and the various turnaround points . The first few miles of the race flew by , since we high fived at every kilometer marker ( which is about every 0 . 7 miles ) . The atmosphere was contagious and we were running among the most incredible buildings . I had decided not to look at my watch at all during the race and trust that Bobbi would keep us on pace . Our plan was to walk through the water stops , which ended up being about every 2 . 5 - k . We ran a long out and back along the river that we would also run at the end of the race and then headed back into Old Town Prague around mile 8 ( 13k ) . I was feeling good and in amazing spirits as we ran through the center of the city . By this time , the crowds were even bigger and we could hear the announcers say that the elite men were on pace for a 2 : 08 finish and the women were on pace for a 2 : 21 , which would be a course record . Running back through Old Town , I once again could not believe I was running this race . It wasn 't very long ago that I thought I 'd never run a marathon again , let alone in someplace as beautiful as Prague , and here it was , happening . I was doing it ! The second half of the course features a few out and back portions . Out and backs can be great or they can be kind of miserable . On the one hand , we knew where each turnaround was , and I think that really helped with the " is this ever going to end ? " feeling . On the other , the sun was out in full force on these sections and there was no breeze . I was definitely hotter than I wanted to be and I felt like I was slowing down , although my Garmin later told me that wasn 't true . I told Bobbi I was feeling a little discouraged , but she told me I was doing amazing and not to worry about it . Fortunately , once we headed back towards the city , a nice cool breeze picked up and I breathed a huge sigh of relief . At mile 15 . 5 , I was no longer breathing a sigh of relief . I was starting to lose feeling in my right leg - the same thing that happened at the Flying Pig Marathon five years ago almost to the day . My foot and leg were going numb , and I couldn 't feel where I was putting my foot down . This was an absolute worst case scenario for me , and I immediately started to panic . Literally - I started having a panic attack . I couldn 't breathe , my throat was closing , my heart was beating out of my chest , and I felt like the world was closing in around me . I tried to collect myself and run until my leg loosened up , but eventually , I calmed myself as best I could and said to Bobbi while choking back tears , " I need to walk for a second . " She asked if everything was ok and I said no , but asked her to give me a second . I finally was able to tell her what was going on while trying not to hyperventilate . Not dramatic at all . I told her that this was the worst case scenario . I had not prepared for this outcome at all . In every scenario I had envisioned for the race - the good , the bad , and the ugly - I had prepared to push through pain . I was willing and able to do that . But there is a difference between pushing through pain and losing feeling in your leg and therefore not knowing where you are putting your foot , making falling ( especially on cobblestone ) a real danger . While this does occasionally happen to me , it has happened very rarely since my back surgery , and it didn 't happen at all during any of my training . For it to happen so early in the race ( I ran more than 15 . 5 miles in training multiple times ) was very concerning to me because at that point , I still had nearly 11 miles to go . It was hard not to think about how miserable that last 11 miles was going to be , and that is what had me so panicked . Bobbi was great and encouraged me to take a long walk break to collect myself , try and stretch , and then start running again if I felt like I could . The pinching on my nerves relented a bit while I walked and stretched , so I decided to try running again , making it my goal to run 1 kilometer . After I made it to the kilometer sign , I made it my goal to make it to the next water station . By the time I reached the water station , the numbness and tingling was back , so we walked and stretched through the station . That 's basically how the entire rest of the race went - running between water stations and taking decent walking and stretch breaks while getting water . I experienced a huge moment of clarity during those tough miles . I realized why it has been so difficult for me to talk about my goals for the race . Setting a time goal didn 't feel right , but saying I was running for fun also didn 't describe what I was doing . At that moment , knowing my time goals were probably out the window , I realized what my goal really was - I just didn 't want to give up on myself . I wanted to put forth my best effort , whatever that looked like . While I knew I was probably in shape to run under 4 : 30 , I realized that I didn 't care if that actually happened , as long as I didn 't mentally quit . That 's not really the same thing as running for fun , but it 's not exactly setting a time goal , either . This whole training cycle , I 've been working on building my mental toughness . What I most wanted to prove to myself during this race was that I really had gotten better . As is the case in any marathon , my mood went through highs and lows . I had given Bobbi advice on what works to motivate me and what doesn 't , and I told her that sometimes , I do better if someone just runs a few steps right in front of me and I can just zone out and follow their legs . She did everything I had suggested without even mentioning it , and it really worked . My legs seemed to have a little over a mile in them before I would lose feeling again in my right leg , so I would fight for that last quarter mile to make it to the water stop . I never , ever quit , but boy , was I happy to have those walk and stretch breaks when they arrived ! Some miles they were a little longer than others , but I always forced myself to pick it right back up . I didn 't care what my pace was , but I was not about to walk the rest of this race until I was absolutely forced to . That 's when I realized how much tougher I am this cycle than previously . We repeated part of the course over the last 5 or 6 miles , which I found helped immensely . Even though it wasn 't the most exciting part of the course , it was a relief to know exactly what was coming and about where each water station was . I was fighting like hell to make it all the way to the stop because normally , I lost feeling in my leg about a mile before they appeared . I let out a few choice curse words from time to time and once considered telling Bobbi to tell me AS SOON as she saw even a hint of the next stop , but the signs always appeared just when I was about to give up . On the topic of water stops , let 's talk about water . Remember how I told you that one of my favorite parts of running international races is tasting the different electrolyte drinks they have in other countries ? Well , the Prague Marathon used Gatorade , so that was not very exciting . However , they use Mattoni mineral water as the water on the course . If you 've traveled to countries outside the US and Canada , you probably know that you need to specify whether you want " still water " or " water with gas " when you go to a restaurant . I abhor " water with gas " ' and find nothing in the world more disgusting and less refreshing . The water on the course tasted ( to me ) like it was carbonated , and it wasn 't refreshing at all . That was fine early on in the race , but as the day wore on , Bobbi and I were so thirsty . At around mile 18 , I literally found a mostly full " still water " bottle on the side of the road and literally grabbed it out of the street . Bobbi and I rationed that water for the next 8 miles and we have no apologies for how gross that is . It could have given me dysentery and I would still tell you it is the best water I have ever tasted . Like I always say , there is no dignity in marathoning . On a related note , we later talked to the race directors at the press dinner that evening and they assured us that Mattoni is still water , it 's just mineral water , so it tastes different . They looked at us like we were nuts when we suggested that it was carbonated , but we stand by it . Either way , if you don 't like mineral water , bring your own . Ok , so back to the race . I basically had assumed that there was no way I was going to hit any of my time goals . I thought we would probably come in somewhere around 5 : 15 , but I truly had no idea . Sometimes , like with 10k left to go , finishing the race felt possible . At mile 22 or so , I felt another panic attack coming on because another 4 - plus miles just seemed totally out of the question . I steeled myself and kept putting one put in front of the other . At 38k ( a little before mile 24 , I think ) my leg was losing feeling faster and faster after each walk and stretch break , and I felt so discouraged . I was still pushing myself to run between each water stop but was rapidly losing the will to do so . I had not looked at my watch to that point , so I had no idea what our pace was . I decided to sneak a peek and , if a time goal or finishing within 5 hours was remotely within reach , then I would keep going . If not , I wanted to slow down . I looked down at my watch and saw 4 : 13 and I think my eyes almost bulged out of my head . I could not believe it ! I was both happy that we were doing so well ( a post surgery PR was definitely in the bag ) and also kind of mad that I had to keep pushing , haha ! At that point , I knew finishing under 4 : 40 was within reach if I gave it absolutely everything I had . While that 's a totally arbitrary number that doesn 't mean anything , it gave me something to aim for . I did not tell Bobbi that I had looked at my watch , but I knew she was thinking exactly what I was . I decided to trust her pacing and just follow and not let up if I could help it . We passed through a long , dark , quiet tunnel , and Bobbi said , " While I have your full attention , I just want you to know how proud I am of you . You should be so proud of yourself . You never quit today and you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for . " I just gasped out a quiet " thank you " and said " I 'm proud of myself , too . " I meant it . We had one more very quick water stop and I told her I would run it in from there ( a little over 2k to go ) . That seemed like a good idea at the time , but with 1k to go ( about 7 minutes at a 10 minute per mile pace ) , I felt like I could not possibly continue at that pace . " If there is any way we can go even a little bit slower and still hit whatever goal you 're aiming for , that would be great , " I grunted . We backed off just enough that I was able to breathe again and eventually rounded the final stretch . With 500 meters left , I started to pick up the pace . As long as my leg connected with the ground , I had energy , and we ended up running 8 : 45 pace during the last part of the race . The crowds were roaring and we crossed the line in 4 : 39 : 28 . I could barely believe my eyes . I would have been thrilled with that time even without back problems , but with them ? It seemed like an actual miracle . Embarrassing though it may be , that 's my 5th fastest marathon ever ! Of course , as is my finish line tradition , I immediately sat down about 5 feet from the finish . I didn 't even go get my medal at first . When I regained feeling in my leg , we got up and walked to get our medals and some more mineral water ( hoorayyyy ) , then eventually to pick up our bags . We had a long walk back to our hotel since we had missed the media bus ( the majority of the press team was not running the marathon ) , but although it took quite a while , it was probably a good thing and helped us loosen our legs . I wish I could tell you anything about the post - race finisher 's area , but I really can 't . We pretty much made a beeline for the hotel and never got any food or anything . It looked pretty cool , though - the finisher 's area is the entire main square in Old Town Prague . Overall , the Prague Marathon vastly exceeded my expectations - both in terms of the race itself and my own personal experience and result ! While I 'm proud of my time , I 'm even more proud of my mindset . I never gave up . That 's not something I 've been able to say very often when it comes to running . I know this training cycle paid off , and I can 't wait to see what the next one will bring ! I so understand your hesitancy to talk about goals , particularly as you explained it - it is almost EXACTLY how I felt going into my first marathon . I , like you , had had a KICK ASS training all the way up to the last month and a half , and then everything fell apart . So , I 10000 % understand your mindset . Author Reply Yeah , maybe mineral water is a European thing ? Or maybe it is also an American thing and I 'm just really cheap and drink tap water ? Hard to say . Thanks so much for all of your support and encouragement throughout this training cycle . It is so powerful ( as you know ) to have people cheering you on and rooting for you along the way ! Reply Never give up ! ! ! ! It 's a lot easier to say when you have total feeling in your legs and feet . Holy crap woman ! ! ! I loved reading every word of this and you should be enormously proud of yourself for finishing the way you did . I also love how you picked up a random bottle of water ! ! ! I would have done the same . I can 't tolerate " water with gas " when I 'm NOT running so I cannot imagine . Author Reply Thanks , Allie ! It 's a little embarrassing that it took me … oh … 3000 words to write it all out , but oh well ! I am absolutely not ashamed of picking up that bottle of water . My only regret is not finding one sooner ! Reply What an incredible story ! It 's impossible that this race has come and gone ; it seems like it was years ago that you announced your trip to Prague . This internet stranger is incredibly proud of you ! ! Author Reply Hahaha ! In some ways , yes - it does seem like years ago ! At the same time , the training cycle kind of flew by and it was here faster than I expected . Thank you for following along the entire time ! Bobbi was there for you every step of the way . She not only is an amazing trainer , she is a true friend . Bless you Bobbi for being there for my baby girl ! I am proud of your perseverance honey , but it might be time to go back to doing just half marathons . I love you ! Reply Hoooooly moly , I just had to choke back some tears at your convo with Bobbi in the tunnel . You should be proud ! * I 'm * proud of you ! Excellent , excellent job , and congratulations ! It might not have been your goal , but you definitely have been damn inspiring this whole training cycle / race , and I for one am ( selfishly ) incredibly appreciative of that . Author Reply Thank you so much , Ann ! That means a lot and I really AM proud of myself . Even though I didn 't make my " A " goal , I actually think I proved more to myself in this race than I would have if everything had gone perfectly and I had finished in a faster time . It might not have been the race I wanted , but it was the race I needed ! Thanks for following along . Reply Congrats on your mental toughness ! I can tell that you enjoyed this race in spite of your physical challenges . It 's on my list to run one day . Author Reply Thanks , Sandy ! You definitely need to do it . It could not be better organized or more beautiful . You 'll love it ! Reply Congratulations on your marathon and a GREAT race ! Bobbi sounds like an amazing coach and person and it looks like you both had a wonderful time . Even though it 's a marathon you 're smiling in every picture and just look so happy to be out there . I 've been reading your blog for a long time and seen the ups and downs , so it 's really nice to see this " up " and that things are going well for you . You trained super hard for this and earned that time ! I hope your post - race recovery is going well , and that the rest of your time in Prague was wonderful ! Author Reply Thank you ! ! She is incredible ( and also superhuman , because she was injured half our training cycle and only got in like 6 weeks of workouts and still ran that race like it was nothing ) . I really tried so hard to embrace the experience , remember where I was , and be grateful no matter how bad I felt because I mean - I was in Prague ! I definitely accomplished my goal of soaking it all in and having fun while still pushing myself 🙂 I applaud you for defeating this race . You are amazing . I hope your leg & the feeling is better . That has to be so mentally exhausting as it is physical . Author Reply Honestly , I have no idea ! I didn 't even know mineral water tasted different … apparently I 've never tried it until now . Won 't be making that mistake again ! I definitely did get a little choked up in the tunnel 🙂 Fortunately , I 'm not much of a crier , so it didn 't go any further than that ! It was a tough day in some ways , but really an incredible one over all . I feel so lucky to have had the experience - all of it ! I thought a lot about you on Sunday when I was having a tough time . I was glad you were running Prague because I didn 't want you to have to deal with me struggling . I tried to remember what we did at Prairie Fire and Casper to keep going . I didn 't have anyone to high five , but I kept using the mantra of : Steady forward progress . It definitely helped . Fortunately people didn 't keep saying I was almost there . Author Reply I really did enjoy the race , even when I was struggling with my leg . I tried very hard to constantly remind myself of what an amazing experience I was having , regardless of whether it felt like it or not at the time . Of course , that 's an easy thing to do when you 're in such a beautiful place ! ! And I 'm glad you were able to verbalize that . Because you know what ? We so often don 't give ourselves enough credit for being the badasses we are ! The struggle bus , make it to the next mile marker , is exactly how Ann and I ran our marathon 2 years ago , and I can relate to so much of this . Right in the feels ( did Ann already comment and say that ? Probably … . ) . Reply Love everything about this recap , Danielle ! ! ! Congrats ! ! ! You seem to have made huge strides this year , mentally and physically . This was a payoff that was well deserved ! ! Way to ROCK ! ! Reply A marathon is easy ( well , " easy " ) when it 's going well , but it 's a million times harder when it isn 't . And it 's way harder to push through when things aren 't going your way , and I admire people more for pushing through the hard times . I 'm sorry that your back was acting up ( and leg going numb , I can 't imagine ! ) , but congrats on pushing through and still hitting a great time . Author Reply Thanks , Susan ! That means a lot to me , especially coming from a runner as accomplished and fast as you are 🙂 Prague is amazing and I cannot recommend it enough ! I 'll be doing another post soon with more details about the race itself ( rather than focusing on just my experience ) , but I would definitely say you should add it to your list ! Author Reply Thank you so much , Eva ! I wish I had been able to see more of your country - the small part I did see was so beautiful ! I think your marathon is FAR more impressive than mine ! Congratulations on your new baby ! I am not sure if I am planning on running more marathons . I am definitely open to the idea , but I want to make sure I am really excited about it first . I do not have any concrete plans to do so right now . And as others have said , what an amazing , incredible mental victory ! It really isn 't easy when things are not feeling great to sustain the focus and drive and discipline - we work for months on the physical and try to gird our mental defenses , but in the heat of the moment it is really tough ! So I am proud of you - and thrilled that you are proud of yourself . Author Reply Thanks , Mike ! It was a huge mental victory , even if it wasn 't a physical one . And this training cycle has been all about the mental side of things , so that makes sense ! I 'm not sure where future races will take me , but I 'm excited to find out . Reply Hey Danielle ! Great job ! ! I lived in Germany for two years , and at lunch all they had was the bubble water . Oh man , I hated it . Sometimes there was also bubbly water mixed with different juices , which was something I could stomach haha . Thanks for the recap , very inspirational ! 🙂 Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of follow - up comments by email . Notify me of new posts by email . Meet Danielle ! 50 - time marathoner . Columnist for Women 's Running Magazine . World traveler . Never met a taco I didn 't like . Email Danielle at thetrexrunner @ gmail . com

Hi WordPress . It 's been a while . How are you ? I 'm doing well . Experiencing 50 hour work weeks but at the age of 22 , that should be the norm right ? Work while you got the stamina before your body says no more , right ? Coffee has become my ally to keep nice and perky all day , but sometimes even that works against me . My body tells me " Go To BED ! ! ! Get Some SLEEP ! ! " throughout most of the day but I 've learned to ignore that and power through . I 'm still searching for my career path . I have so much to offer and I want to learn so much . Who is going to give me that chance to prove myself worthy for their business ? It 's unnerving to think about the competition that may be out there . But you know , there 's always going to be someone that is more credible , and those who fall short . I do my best on each and every interview I go on and show them what I have to offer . I 've been interning with Hawaii Business Magazine for the past couple of months and it 's been great . I actually learned that I love working in an office environment where there are many sources for me to use and people to connect with . Unfortunately , my time here ends in a couple weeks so I better soak up all I can get from the people I admire . I 'm not sure why I worry so much about my future at 22 . I always viewed myself as more mature than most people my age . I want a career , I want that salary , I want a routine schedule . To some , that may sound boring but to me it 's a relief . A relief to know where I 'll be each day , how much I 'll be paid , what I 'll be doing for the next few years or possibly for the rest of my life . It 's great to have someone under my belt and not have to rely on freelance . I 'm ready for that real life job , those real life experience that I so long for . As long as I am meeting people who are positive and are willing to be patient with me and other new comers , I will love coming to work . I just have to keep searching , I suppose . Who is going to give me my chance in the corporate realm of communications ? We shall see … soon , I hope . I know I have the commitment and dedication . I just need a chance . People say I have a bright future ahead of me , I hope they 're right . All I can do is keep a positive mind , send good energy and the right position will come . It 's rather easy to write a post on WordPress . I write what I want , when I want , how I want … But when it comes to thinking about writing for my novel , I think about who 's going to criticize it , how much I 'll have to rewrite after it is torn apart with red stains that the novel will bleed through . I know most people aren 't supposed to think about that kind of stuff until after it is written and finished and you 're actually trying to get it published . No first draft is perfect , I know that . I even have my idea ready to be written . The keyboard is just waiting for every letter in the alphabet to be typed into intricate puzzles of words that will create a story … Why is it so hard to begin ? Writing is easy . Thinking about how to write the story first is difficult . What will be the first word ? What will be the first letter ? First person ? Third person ? How many characters will there be ? How many chapters ? What will be the last word ? What will be the last letter ? I really do want to write . And I want to create a story that everybody could relate to . But the competition with Harry Potter can 't be beat . Even the Twilight series is tough even with its incredibly easily written structure . Not that I want to copy something like their genre with vampires , witches , warlocks … Although I do love folklore and mythical creatures … hmmm … No , my idea is a tad different . No words have been written because I don 't know what direction I want to take the story and who will be the main character . I don 't want to make it myself because that 's just tacky . But it 's so much easier to write a story on non - fiction . However , I 'd really like to write a fictional story and create a character that everybody wishes to be . Young , Old , Senile … anyone could be my character as long as they know how to close their eyes and imagine . But who deserves such attention ? What kind of character should be worshipped into the spotlight ? When I first got back to Hawaii from my college graduation in New York , I was actually extremely confident in myself . I thought I would find a job immediately in my field and all would be fantastic with a smooth pavement under my feet . Of course , nothing worth fighting for comes easy . I couldn 't find a stable job in writing for any magazine and all that I found was freelance . Maybe I was expecting too much of myself ? I knew that the economy was down but perhaps I was in denial at about how badly the economy is being affected . I 've gone through several interviews and I keep hearing the same thing : " You have a great portfolio and great writing . It 's just that we 're not hiring right now . The best we have to offer is freelance . " That won 't hold me over . I love to write just for the sake of writing , but living in Hawaii demands money after money for living in light , privilege of internet and oh yes , the need of food to survive . I did get one offer that was to be the " editor " of a magazine called Kauai Lifestyles but they haven 't gotten me the stories that I would be writing . So , that 's probably something that I shouldn 't hold my breath for . Right now , I 'm doing web editing work for a store called Sedona I worked at for the past 5 years . I love my coworkers and working here . But I 'm starting to feel stuck since it wasn 't my passion to be writing about stones and sprays and oils … not really my forte . I love to write about people , their life and their journeys . Not product . But I am extremely grateful to have this job , otherwise I 'd be in BIG trouble financial wise . But of course , I 'm still searching for my real path . Then I remembered that my brother Stephen knew someone that worked at KITV . I never really thought about working for television but I figured hey , why not give my old bro a call . So he called his friend and she said that there was an opening . I applied and next thing I knew , they called me in for an interview . At first , I didn 't think this was something I really wanted to do . But after I talked to my brother 's friend about the position , it was RIGHT up my alley . That 's when I became extremely nervous about my interview . But at the same time , it feels exciting to have the opportunity to be working for something completely new . Who knows where it could lead and what doors it could open . Let 's keep on praying and soon we 'll see stories of recovery . The Japanese tsunami was devastating and I still have nightmares about it till this day . Although I didn 't see the actual tsunami , feeling the earth quake beneath you was terrifying enough . Here 's my story … Sitting quietly in front of the television with my mother at the kitchen table as if it was a normal day just the way it started . I was visiting my parents in Sagamihara , Japan , a city within Tokyo , for spring break . I was particularly excited to be with them because I have not seen them for seven months prior to this break . My mother and I were at home eating lunch minding our own business . I was enjoying some Japanese television shows when I started to feel something very peculiar . The ground felt as if it was vibrating under me and I couldn 't comprehend what was happening . I looked up to see the ceiling fan shaking and hearing it make an awful noise . The television went blank . I looked at my mother and said " mom , the house is shaking … " and with her eyes widening she quickly told me that it was an earthquake and to run outside . She grabbed our dog Milo and that 's when things started to fall off the shelves . Friday , March 11 , 2011 was just like a normal day . I couldn 't exactly comprehend what was happening to the house until my mother said the word " earthquake . " While we were outside , I could see the earth shaking from side to side , the cars bouncing up and down and my mother and I not knowing what to do but to stand still until it 's over . I have never felt an earthquake before and it was the most terrifying experience that I have ever had . As soon as the earth stopped shaking , my mother and I went back into the house and saw that the news was already on . They quickly told us that the Miyagi and Iwate prefecture was hit by an 8 . 9 magnitude earthquake and if that wasn 't terrifying enough , a massive 23 - foot tsunami was heading their way . The people in the city of Sendai and Tohoku had between 30 to 15 minutes to get to higher ground . I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . I watched the news as the massive wave was heading toward Miyagi and I remembered thinking that this can 't possibly be real . My mother and I watched and listened to the broadcaster saying over and over to people watching the news in Miyagi to get out of there . That they would not survive if they stayed . Unfortunately , now for over 9 , 000 people , that was true . About 10 towns were severely damaged by the tsunami and minor damage was reported in other prefectures as well . Whole towns were swept clean from its surface and washed away into the ocean . We continued to watch as the tsunami destroyed houses , cars , trees , streets … civilization . We watched people running for their lives , their houses and cars being washed away . Large ships were tipped over and washed onto shore and resting on a sidewalk . It was as if we were watching a movie . We just couldn 't believe what we were seeing . Soon the news reported that the tsunami was headed toward Hawaii and California . This was just another worry to add on to this horrific tragedy because I live in Hawaii and have friends and family there . However only very minor damage appeared and no one was injured . It felt like hours have passed by while we were watching the natural disaster take away whole cities and many lives of its citizens . After the tsunami had settled , things became eerily quiet . My eyes were glued to the television hoping that it was some kind of sick joke . But it is all too real . The news was on every channel and devastation was the topic . Trains stopped working and people had to sleep at the train station . Survivors were taken quickly to shelters . As if the tsunami wasn 't enough , March 12 also was a day of extremely bad news . Fukushima 's Nuclear Power Plant Daiichi Genshiryoku Hatsudensho has exploded causing radiation to spew into the air . This scared my mother more so than the tsunami . If affected by radiation , it could cause the possibility of cancer or worse health conditions in the future . People living within 30 kilometers ( about 20 miles ) from Fukushima power plant had to evacuate . My mother already refused to go on trains at the risk of it stopping , but now she grew extremely wary of even stepping outside the house . My father told us that we are not affected by the radiation and told us not to worry , but that was not enough to calm my mother 's nerves . Over the next few days , the news dominated every channel and stories from the devastation arose . People walked back to their destroyed homes to see if anyone survived . People returned to see if they could find people they were separated from . It was heartbreaking to see people yelling out names of their loved ones . We saw that people in the shelters only got one rice ball a day to eat . Families were separated for days until they found each other . And so many people are either missing or dead . Although my family lived 200 miles from Sendai , people were still panicking . Stores were sold out of toilet paper , water , bread , dry foods or anything that could last a long time . People are anticipating another evacuation if necessary . Every register at the store had lines of people that went through the aisles and didn 't stop . Tokyo is still affected by the tsunami because of rolling blackouts to conserve energy for the nuclear power plant . My family is still getting rolling blackouts today . We watched the news , bad news , day after day of the tsunami devastation and the radiation scare . There have been over 800 aftershocks including a 6 . 5 magnitude earthquake on Monday March 28 ( Sunday March 27 New York time ) . To rebuild the cities is anticipated to be in the billions of dollars to repair and is said to be the most expensive disaster in world history and will affect Japan in one way or another . When it came for the day I had to come back to Marist , the last thing I wanted to do was leave my family . I 'd rather stay with them and work through this disaster with them . But , unfortunately , that was not an option . When I came back to New York , and searched for news online , I saw that the main topics were about the nuclear explosion . I couldn 't believe that I had to search for more information on how the city of Sendai and Tohoku are dealing with the disaster . It seemed as if the reality of the tsunami was phased out by the radiation scare . The media automatically gave primary concern to the radiation because of the possibility of it traveling over to the U . S . It 's sad to see how blinded people have become because of the radiation scare and almost seemed like they have forgotten about the people who are still not able to contact their mothers , fathers , daughters , sons , aunts , uncles , cousins , grandmothers and grandfathers . The devastation is still very real . People are still suffering and are frightened . I have heard so many heartbreaking stories from the tsunami and still wish that it wasn 't real . My family is grateful that we didn 't know anyone living in the Miyagi prefecture . But we are still rubbing our eyes in disbelief from this tragedy . I was born and raised in Japan and I have a very close connection to this country . Knowing that a country you love so much has experienced this natural disaster is a lot to take in . The people of Japan will be forever scarred by this disaster . But they just have to look up and keep their head high . Every single commercial that played between news stories were about helping each other and helping the community . I heard someone say that they were surprised to see that no Japanese people stole anything from stores much like people did during Hurricane Katrina . Because of the collectivist culture of Japan , in no matter what kind of horrible situation they are in , they will always help each other and do what is right . You don 't see people shoving in line when they wait for food and you don 't see any stealing . If they continue with this mind set of helping each other and keeping their head high , Japan will recover and the tsunami will be a thing of the past . Yesterday was just about the worst day I 've had in a long time . As soon as I got back to my dorm at Marist , I just could not stop crying . The thought that ran through my head was simply " I don 't belong here … Why the hell am I here ? ? ? ! ! " My whole life is in Hawaii and I just left it behind . What is wrong with me ? I got to my dorm at 12 p . m . and didn 't stop crying till about 8 p . m . I cried so much that I started to get a headache and dehydrated from all the tears . It was like a nightmare that I just couldn 't wake up from . I hate it here . I 'll say it out loud , I hate New York . I hate the mainland . Hawaii is my home . I know what most people say is that " why don 't you just transfer out then and stop complaining ? " Trust me , I 've thought that same thing over and over . But quitting school or transferring at this late of stage when I 'm so close to graduation just wouldn 't look good when I go for a perspective job interview . I just got to tough it out . I 'm sorry if my complaining is annoying but that is how I get through some days . If it annoys you then you know what ? You don 't have to talk to me . And that 's totally fine . I woke up this morning , got ready , talked to my boyfriend and left for class . While walking through the wet unpaved snowed , slippery , slushy walkway , I wondered why I didn 't see anyone around . The campus was deserted and that 's when I realized that I have to remember to call the weather hotline . I did so and was told my a little automatic voicemail by Marist College . . " all day classes are canceled . " Thank you so much for the " warm " welcome back home New York but you know what I realized ? Because I 've been so negative , that is what you have been giving me is negative energy and events . So I 've decided . No more negative thoughts . Just positive . I am not going to let you get to me New York with your cold freezing winter and unforgiving ways . I have an amazing man , amazing friends and an amazing life waiting for me back home in Hawaii and that is all that matters to me . I only have to deal with you for 4 more months and I will not be setting foot into your horrible winter conditions and negative energy anymore for a long , extremely long time . I love my life in Hawaii . I did this to myself by moving out here but at least now I know that I do not belong on the mainland . My life , my man , my friend and my sanity will be there with all support back home . I will not let you get to me New York . I just have to keep in mind … I have been home the past couple days while my boyfriend Daniel is at work from 8 a . m . to 4 p . m . and I have been bored almost every minute of the day . After I do little things around the apartment like wash the dishes , straighten the bed , take out the trash and cleaning up , there 's nothing left to do . I sometimes sit on our couch and stare at the television that isn 't even turned on because we don 't have cable . I don 't care about not having cable . While at Marist , I don 't even have a television so I occupy myself with studies . But here , there 's not much that I can occupy myself with . I don 't have to go into work so that 's not an option . I brought books that I have already read so I get bored quickly with them . All I do is sit and wait till Daniel gets home so that I have someone to talk to and distract myself with . Honestly , I have no idea how housewives stay home all day . Although there is the word " house " in housewife so maybe living in a house gives you a bigger space to clean and gives you more to do ? Most of them do have kids to look after and the hell if I 'm having kids anytime soon . I bought a stack of local magazines that I 'm interested in working for after I come back in May and I just hope that someone will cut me a break . I know I have the skill to write what they want me to write and at the same time , give story ideas to expand the magazine 's structure . I know I have what it takes to be a writer and a journalist … all I need is a chance . Graduation is only 4 months away . Those 4 months will go by incredibly fast considering the fact that I 'll be visiting my parents in Japan in mid - March . So that 's a month in a half in New York , then Japan for a little more than a week , then New York for another month and a half and I graduate . Is it this scary for everyone ? Or just for those who don 't have a plan ? I do have a plan but it can fall apart easily if I don 't take the right steps . I just need for someone to give me a chance . Why is it that we tend to shy over those questions when it involves a dear friend ? Why do we turn the other way when it involves someone we love ? Is it because we care for them and don 't want to cause any harm or anger in their life ? Or is it because we are just afraid of standing up to someone we know ? Either way , we are stuck . No one likes drama . We bring drama into our lives no matter how much we try to avoid it . It will slip its way in like a centipede crawls through the dirt . It waits for you to cross its path and just when you 're in arms reach , it stings . The pain is so great that you lose control of yourself in the process because you 're focusing on the pain only . I don 't blame you . But I 'll tell you one thing … I 'd rather get stung by a centipede than stabbed in the back by someone that is my friend . Luckily , I haven 't been stabbed by anyone in a long time and I am great - full . Of course there 's been little tiffs here and there with a couple of folks but that 's normal . Throughout the years I have seen what a person can do and how far they will go to have a certain authority over someone to make themselves feel better . I can spot it miles away . So I avoid it . A situation as such could be dropped just by ignoring the situation , confronting it in a healthy way , or find another friend that won 't do this to you . I 'm not sure why I 'm writing this right now . Writing these words give me some sort of release I needed before going into work . Life , friends , work , family - these are all like a ticking bomb waiting to blow up . You just have to know how to defuse it before creating an explosion of catastrophe . Writing is in my blood . There will always be stories to be told and a person that wants to write it . Whether if it 's a story of reality or fantasy , words can create a world that no one may be familiar to . Words are the heart of all stories that is pumping the blood of creativity . RSS FEED

0400 wake up . After the whole breakfast thing we moved up to the C Co planning bays for our first class with the techniques cadre . The Charlie bays have ridiculous amounts of Army - related graffiti inside them from all the Ranger classes that have gone through before us . It 's mostly " Batt boys " that have their names and units up there , but a ton of West Pointers as well as USMC , SEAL , and 82nd guys have left their mark as well . A lot of history in those bays . Around 1000 an RI walked up and collected all of us that had signed our SOR paperwork last night and told us it was time to meet with the commander . We got chewed out and called all kinds of horrible things and were told we have no integrity and that we weren 't fit to lead men in combat and that lasted for maybe 20 minutes before he threw us out so he could go talk to the BN CDR . 10 minutes later we were recycles , and just like that I had tacked on another 3 weeks to my graduation date which is now May 26th . Great . On a slightly positive note , it could be A LOT worse . A ton of guys are getting sent back to Day One to start Ranger School all over again for things as small as a single packet of sugar . More than a couple guys got recommended to be dropped from the course , but we all doubt that will happen because apparently the BDE CDR doesn 't believe in letting people go . He just keeps recycling you until you either graduate or get hurt or quit . That 's one method , I guess . So , that 's that . I get to spend two weeks in purgatory , again , and start Mountains again for a third time . This time around I 'll be sure not to be an IDIOT . Ahh . . . the recycle barracks . Not a bad place , but not the place I want to be . Today we dug out a ditch , picked weeds , and filled three hundred eighty sandbags with fine Georgia clay / mud . That was fun . Yep . We got done much earlier than expected so the Staff Duty NCO let us go watch TV in the club . We saw The Art Of War and then Underworld . Two excellent flicks . I had some IBC root beer and 2 slices of pizza . A lot of guys used the phones , but I don 't want to ruin Erika 's weekend with her mom and Kevin by telling her about my 2nd recycle and I 'm not sure how to tell my Dad about how his son is a total jackass for having a packet of Gatorade . Oh well , I 'll live and definitely learn from this one . . . Helped raise the flag this morning . Actually , since I 'm the only one that knew what needed to happen I got put in charge . We spot - checked the areas we cleaned yesterday and touched up a few things and then started cleaning up the recycle barracks . Some of the guys didn 't feel like helping out at all and didn 't really respond well to repeated requests to help . One dude , xxxxxxxx , took it a step further when he was standing right where I was trying to sweep . He gave me some serious attitude when I told him to move , but he did get out of the way . What he did not do was stop talking or start helping so I , as the RIs like to preach , properly motivated him by " putting boot to ass " . After he got up off the floor we didn 't have any more problems with anyone the rest of the morning . I don 't care if you 're getting sent to Day One or that you 're an Infantry Captain . What I care is that we get the job done and I 'm tired of dudes whining and complaining and screwing their buddies by not pulling their own weight , " Sir " . This group seriously reminds me of The Dirty Dozen mixed with a few characters from Cool Hand Luke . We 're all here because we screwed up , we 've got no rank , no privileges , and the only way to get anything accomplished , at least with these guys , is to be a bit more firm than normal . It sucks , but this is a straight - out - of - the - book case study from PL300 . How do you get people to act when they have no motivation , no fear of repercussions , you have no rank , and they don 't care if the job gets done ? Not a fun situation . Oh , and you have to live in the same room as them for 2 weeks . Good luck with that . . . At lunch I saw a Blackhawk crew in the mess hall and I noticed the pilot had the Ft . Rucker Flight School patch on his left shoulder . I asked him if he knew Erika , by some small chance , and he did remember meeting her in some kind of Medevac class a few weeks ago . He told me he 'd tell her hi next time their paths crossed , if ever . After lunch we shoveled gravel out of the areas near the road that weren 't supposed toDay 57 : Monday , 03 April Did some worthless PT this morning and then literally , as the catchphrase goes , " made big rocks into little rocks " the rest of the day . I could have been finishing up my FTX in Florida today with my original squad in A - 2 , and I hope they all made it , but instead I 'm here at wonderful Camp Frank D . Merrill having fun in the labor camp of Student Operations . A bit angry - sounding , yes , but it just sucks . Braden was right , again , about how my thoughts of this school would change 100 % when I actually went through it . The only thing that matters , though , is just getting it all over with and moving on . Tonight we had mail call and I got more than a couple letters from Erika , mom , Llaura , and Jason . Definitely an excellent way to end the day . Oh , and to all the people who have signed my guestbook , thanks . It means a lot to hear from all of you and I won 't forget it . You should all hope and wish and pray that someday you have a girl as perfect as mine . Made big rocks into little rocks all morning . Took an hour nap after lunch . Found out they caught another dude with contraband . This retard , even after we all got caught with random stuff , decided to sneak some Copenhagen into the field . I 'm not one to talk , but that was pretty stupid . After dinner we had to strip the floor in BN HQ . Amazingly , no one else knew about the easy way to do it by having one guy sit on the buffer for more pressure on the floor . The staff duty NCO though it was hilarious seeing us take turns riding this thing while another guy steered it around the floor . Reminded me of AIT at Ft . Sill . " Big Brother " came in tonight and officially locked up all the books , magazines , board games , etc . so now when we 're not doing work details we just sit around and argue about pointless stuff . Some of the guys are actually pretty intelligent , but the other half never know what they 're talking about . " They " griped at us some more tonight about how we messed up by creating the whole situation and how we don 't have any integrity and on and on and on . . . Good Lord , let me leave this place . 11 days till we start back up . Loaded up in GSA vans at 0500 and took a little trip down to Ft . Benning to help supplement the number of people working to set up the Best Ranger Competition . We had to mow out some areas and bush hog some areas and then we had a little reunion of sorts . My original class , 05 - 06 , finished Florida phase and is now back at Benning . Everyone from Alpha Two Two made it except for one guy , Will Fowler , who had a negligent discharge of his weapon and got recycled . It was pretty brutal , and I mean extremely tough , seeing those guys marching off to take their class photo and then leave on pass for the afternoon , but in a way it was motivational too . I mean , if they made it then I can too , right ? I just have to get out of the mountains and I should be ok . It just sucks . A lot . I should be with those guys , but instead I 'm here in DaHELLonega at Camp Merrill working my butt off all day every day for an " open house " over a month from now that nobody 's going to show up for anyway . It 's ridiculously tough keeping my head up and looking to the future when I graduate because there are so many things not going for us . That being said , the hell with it all . I 've never quit anything before and I 'm not leaving here without that damn tab . A lot of the guys are talking seriously about quitting and one guy , an Armor 1LT , is actively trying to , but the cadre won 't let him . It just sucks being around these guys 24 / 7 , but we 'll make it . Somehow . Mowed grass all morning and afternoon . When I wasn 't mowing I was weed - eating . Picked up rocks that had fallen out of the gravel pits around the Company HQ buildings . Stripped the BN HQ floor again because somebody didn 't like the way it looked . How do they expect us to get years of wax and dirt off the floor with no stripping solution ? We finally figured out a way to do it that worked and got it done . Well , kind of . In the process of busting our rears to get the job done we started entertaining ourselves by quoting movies . The largest E - 7 I have ever met in my life , a monster of a man , didn 't like it very much when I yelled out , " What is your major malfunction , numbnuts ? ! ? " in the R . Lee Ermey voice that I can imitate pretty well . Everyone thought it was hilarious except him . Strike 1 . We kept laughing and giggling like little kids while we were working until he told us to " Shut the F # @ ! UP ! ! ! " Strike 2 . One other group of guys was in the S - 3 building cleaning it and this same E - 7 caught one of them on the internet . Duhn Dun Dun . . . Strike 3 . We didn 't have much fun the rest of the night . He added himself to the list of people that don 't like us because we 're such terrible , untrustworthy , lazy , cheating , worthless , and all around slaveworking recycle Rangers . Earlier today I almost got blood on the picture of Erika and I in my hat when I accidentally head butted an A / C unit while weed - whacking . My head still hurts a lot . Quote of the night : " Ranger , don 't push my buttons . I 'm the biggest dick on this camp and you DO NOT want to piss me off . Do you want to be low - crawling this parking lot ? ! ? " Loaded up in a GSA van again to take a little trip to Benning . We 've got a pretty squared away and level - headed NCOIC so hopefully he gives us some time off . After a week straight of busting our butts in the Gulag at Camp Merrill we deserve it . Today is graduation for Class 05 - 06 . Man , those tabs sure looked good on those guys . I saw my old roommate from USMA , Colin Greata , and he handed me a letter he was planning to mail once he found a post office . We didn 't get to chat long , but he gave me a few inspirational words and then left . I 'll see him again someday , I 'm sure . Built and painted some walls and tomahawk targets for the Best Ranger competition the rest of the afternoon and got phone privileges after dinner . Erika and my Dad did a pretty swell job of getting me out of my ridiculously foul mood tonight . I saw it myself just in the way I 've been acting and my attitude lately , but this past week has been absolutely ridiculous . Not fun , but now we 're at Benning for the weekend . I never thought in a million years I would be so happy to be back here before graduation , but for right now anything is better than Camp Merrill in DaHELLonega . Bush - hogged a few areas around the tomahawk throw event , raked out a few areas , burned out some fire ant piles , pounded some pickets and around 10 : 30 the sky opened up . Lots of rain . We found some cover and after our NCOIC came back in the van we got a ride back from Todd Field to Camp Rogers . After lunch it was still raining so . . . because all our work had to be done outside and because the RI in charge of us is probably the coolest RI in the entire RTB he put us on pass with this guidance : " Don 't take the GSA van off post . Don 't do anything stupid . Have the van back by midnight . If you make me look bad I will kill you . Roger ? ? " We all assured him we were tired of being in trouble and that we 'd be smart and that was it . We changed into PTs so we didn 't stand out as much and took off on our 11 + hour pass . I called Erika and she decided to come visit and while she was enroute I got to check my email and run some quick errands . It was definitely great to see her and after dinner at The Outback and some more time catching up on things I had to get back . A great night was had by all . Filled sandbags , loaded up the sandbags , put old sandbags ( different ones ) in new casings around the combatives pit at Camp Rogers , and then unloaded the original truck full of bags , all 200 of them , at a range on Ft . Benning . Our NCOIC was talking to us today quite a bit and while we were on the way to unload the truck full of bags at the range he told me and Josh Miller , an E - 6 from the 25th ID in Hawaii , about the 3 times he competed in the Best Ranger Competition . He came in 5th , 2nd , and 8th in ' 96 , ' 97 , and ' 98 and from what he was describing it sounds pretty ridiculously tough . I think it 'd be pretty cool to try , though . Maybe in 2 years after I 'm back from Iraq . Maybe . Ah . . . Camp Merrill . Ran 2 miles for PT , got my mail after breakfast , and didn 't do anything else until dinner except put up some pickets and engineer tape to keep people from walking on our freshly seeded grass . Erika , Jason , and my Dad sent some awesome letters and cards , as always . Today we discovered the " Recycle Creed " amongst the other graffiti in the C - 1 planning bay . I also found the names of a ton of people I knew at USMA and added my name to the USMA Recycle Ranger roster . My boy Braden 's name was also up there on the wall of the North side of the building . Pretty cool stuff . Yeah , the recycle creed is a rather bitter , angry , and resentful sounding thing , but we think it 's funny , so there ya go . Also , we didn 't write this . Some angry kid back in the day did . Funny stuff . Energetically will I meet the RIs of Student Ops . I shall defeat them on Camp Merrill for I am sneakier and will resist them with all my might . Contraband is not a recycle word . I will never leave a hidden cache of food to fall into the hands of an RI and under no circumstances will I ever admit my guilt . We 're no longer the Dirty Dozen . 2 guys left yesterday morning on a trip to see the Brigade Commander , COL Chin , at Ft . Benning . One was the guy who got caught on the internet a few nights ago and one was a classmate of mine from WP . This dude , Chris , was also supposed to graduate on April 7th with 05 - 06 . His girlfriend had already bought non - refundable and non - transferable tickets from New York and so instead of paying the change fee for May 26th they decided to arrange a rendezvous this past weekend . He went to church at Mt . Zion with the other guys , met up with her there , and left . He came back for lunch formation , but then immediately left AGAIN and didn 't come back until dinner . He did all of this leaving and returning by just walking out the front gate and thinking the guard wouldn 't notice . In broad daylight . In uniform . He got caught and is now facing UCMJ action for a laundry list of things , AWOL and conduct unbecoming amongst them . Oofta . . . Not cool . In other news , Josh Miller and I did our recon last night for our mission tonight to write our names on top of the water tower here on Camp Merrill . We haven 't done it yet and it 's still in the planning phase , but I 'll keep you updated if it actually happens . Ran just over a mile and did some pushups for PT . Cleaned up a ridiculously old cemetery by the Charlie planning bays and then sat around the recycle bay solving the world 's problems . After lunch we found out an SF team is using Camp Merrill as a training site for the day . They 'll be practicing hostage rescue in different parts of the camp . At one point one of their support personnel , a younger guy with longer than normal hair , came in the bay because he was bored . We got to talking , him and the rest of us , and I finally realized , or at least reaffirmed why I 'm putting myself not only through this school , but what I 'll be doing in the Army . I don 't want to be like this dude sitting here in front of me telling all kinds of " Special Forces " stories and claiming to be a part of 7th Group , but is nothing more than support for that unit . I almost jumped up and told this little child what I thought of him and his mouth when he started giving reasons why Ranger School is a joke and why he doesn 't need to come here and on and on and on . I mean , he 's riding the coattails of the unit he supports and then has the nerve and audacity to sit there and say all kinds of horrible things about the very school we 've sacrificed so much for without his ever having gone through it . No dice , dude . That kind of punk is why I 'm doing this . So that one day I 'll be able to say I bettered myself through some serious adversity for the sake of others . Not to tell stories that I wasn 't even a part of . So that I can say , " You 're welcome . " to people that didn 't even know I existed . I dunno , maybe I 'm romanticizing all of this way too much . We 'll see , I guess . Am I crazy to want to do this job the rest of my life and do everything I can to be the best guy for it ? When it comes to things I believe in I can 't stand to be in 2nd place . I just want to do a good job when I finally get my platoon . Call me crazy , but that 's all I want . That , and my girlfriend . I 'd like to have her around too . One month ago today , 28 days to be exact , I found out I was going to be a recycle . True to form , tonight there were quite a few broken hearts of kids who didn 't see that kick in the teeth coming . As we were prepping all the hot dogs and brown bags for tonight 's " DOGEX " we speculated how many recycles this monster known as Mountain Phase would claim this cycle . As it turned out , some very surprising names were on the list . My good buddy James Braudis , who was in my original squad in 05 - 06 and who recycled with me 28 days ago , is headed back to Day 1 for 2nd time failure at patrols . Marshall McGurk and I will be in Bravo Company together next cycle because of patrols . He started in February and this makes the second time he 's recycled a phase . Matt Haith will also be joining us for another stroll through the Chattahoochee Forest . Yeah , it 's cool to go straight through this school and my hat is off to you , but you have no idea what it 's like to be so close to accomplishing your dream and then having it jerked out of your reach AGAIN . It 's sad , but everything is going to be alright . At least we get to wear jungle boots now that the weather is warming up . Day 68 : Friday , 14 April Pretty much sat around and did nothing all day while the guys going forward got their stuff ready to go for their bus ride to Florida . We got our care packages tonight and that was it . It 's amazing how the number of recycles magically happened to be the number they needed to exactly fill 3 platoons coming up in the 501 - 06 class . Amazing how that happens every cycle … Said goodbye to my buddies again as they got on the bus to Florida . George Kalandadze finally made it and I 'm sure he 'll be fine there . Went back to sleep for awhile and then got some tasks to finish before we got phone privileges . Had a short but great talk with Erika and found out she got a really high score on her checkride this past Tuesday . Sat around and waited for the busses of 501 - 06 guys to show up and around 12 : 30 they got here . Round 3 coming up … 0400 wake up , 0445 formation with rucks , 0500 breakfast formation . The new guys , like all the others , were amazed at the amount of food we get in the mess hall here . I , for one , have gotten pretty disenchanted with friggin blueberry pancakes and I 'll take it a bit further by saying I 'm almost sick of them . Never again , once I leave this place , will I ever eat blueberry pancakes . Ever . We moved down to the BMM site and once again learned knots and belays and then had the opportunity to practice them pretty much all day . I 'm trying my hardest to stay positive through all this , and there really is quite a bit to be happy about , but come on … I 'm had just about enough of these mountains . On a positive note , a bunch of my buddies from West Point are in this class . Randal Waters , Eric Perkins , Clay Hinchman , Sean Walsh , Perfecto Sanchez , Brian Schnitker , Marcus Morgan , Brian Mainwaring , and the list goes on . Tons and tons of ring knockers . Joey Snowden is also in my platoon with all those other guys . Great great guys . We had an Easter Egg hunt this morning . No BS . Two of the RIs hardboiled one egg for each Ranger in B Co and hid them around the belay class area . We had 5 minutes to find one and eat it , but we all loved it . Of course , instead of cute little bunnies or different colors on the eggs they had written things like , " Knot failure . Recycle mountains . " " Safety violation on Mt . Yonah = Major Minus " " NO - GO " " SOR for contraband " and others like that . Funny stuff , but what do you expect from a couple RIs ? ? Quote of the day : " Man , good ole JC is my boy ! ! ! Hell , if I 'd known they were gonna string him up on a cross like that and I 'd have been around we 'd have set up a friggin support by fire and rescued his ass ! ! ! " Happy Easter . Dragged a SKEDCO up , down , and around a hillside in the morning and then practiced knots and belays all … day … long after that . I 'm trying to help as many people as I can , but some of them have literally , except for their shoelaces , never tied any real knots before and it 's not easy trying to teach them how to avoid or at least get twists out of a double figure - eight . I found out today our graduation date is actually the 25th and not the 26th because of Memorial Day Weekend . So that 's cool . It 's awesome having so many of my friends from the Academy in this class and more importantly , in my platoon . I 've been having some trouble seeing the " half full glass " and they 're really helping out . Got 9 / 10 on the knot test . The friggin left - hand - brake rappel seat got me . Of all the rappel seats I 've ever tied , and there have been quite a few even before Ranger School , this was possibly the worst . My tails were 10 inches apart , my securing knot wasn 't dressed or even that tight , and my carabiner was rotated upside down . " Take a knee , Ranger … " So no major plus this time around . We did the vertical haul , 60 foot rappel , the suspended traverse and that was that for lowers . Either way , that 's the last time I 'll ever see that site . Our " sus - trav " setup was no different than the other two previous ones , but the RI let us go hog wild with how we " negotiated " it . I was the guy at the bottom holding onto the prusik knot emergency brake , but it turned into THE brake with the way they let us ride down . Basically we 'd get a running start as fast as we could and then ride down at an uncontrolled and ridiculously fast and fun rate until the double pulley slammed into the prusik tied around the rope . You went from " out of control fast " to a full stop in zero seconds flat and it was AWESOME . Only a few guys even came close to hitting the tree , but everyone lived and it was quite the event . Took a little trip to Mt . Yonah again today . The walk up was almost enjoyable without a radio or a " winter packing list " ruck on my back . Eric Perkins and Sean Walsh carried the radios this time . We got to the top in 43 minutes and got rigged up for climbing and rappelling on the upper part of the mountain . I was one of the first to go up on the balance or " yo - yo " climb and as I got about ¾ of the way up on lane 8 the sky decided to open up on us with a pretty decent rain and thunderstorm . We immediately moved back down to the bivouac site and chilled out / slept in our GP medium tent until the rain and lightning stopped . By that point it was too late in the day to finish the climbs and rappels so we broke out the trusty SKEDCO and dragged 3 rucks to the upper LZ . Alpha and Charlie Companies killed an Eastern Diamondback Rattler and a Copperhead on their lanes up the hill , but we didn 't see any snakes . Definitely a good thing . Walked back down after our AAR on the peak and after an MRE went to chapel services . That " church stuff " really is good for you , I 'm starting to rediscover . I 'm not about to join the Chaplain 's Corps or anything , but I do realize how much better you feel about life after you to go services like that . Maybe I should go more often than once every few years . After listening to the Chaplain 's message , I remembered why I started down this ridiculous path called Ranger School in the first place : to better take care of the people around me once I graduate . It SUCKS being here , but I know this will help me in the future in more than just a few ways . I mean , if nothing else , I can always say to anyone complaining , " Hey , at least you 're not in Ranger School . " But seriously , it 's all about learning how to better take care of " Joe " . I really do love it up on Mt . Yonah . It kind of grows on you after awhile . Some guys absolutely hate it up there , but I think it 's the best part of the first two phases of Ranger School . The view from the top this morning was exceptionally breathtaking because the fog was still covering the valley floor beneath us , but we were completely in the clear and it was just beautiful how the other hilltops around the countryside stood out of the fog . Sometimes I really wish they 'd let us have cameras here . We did all our climbs and rappels and after walking back down for my last time ( I 'm serious this time ) , we loaded up on the stake bed trucks for the trek back to Camp Merrill . Tonight our squad leader asked me to be his Alpha Team Leader for the next few days . What is it that makes all these people want me to help them like this all the time ? As long as I don 't have to say goodbye to another class as they leave for Florida without me I 'll be fine . Please don 't let another cycle go by where I get half the squad their GOs and I get nothing . A tough guy can only be so tough before he 's beat down to the point where nothing matters and he just wants out . Either way , this will be my last cycle in mountains . Had classes this morning on terrain association , patrol base , and movement to contact . It wasn 't as painful as I thought it would be , and I actually learned a few things even though this is the fourth time I 've had these classes . Each company has different techniques and B Co is no different in that regard . The squad is really starting to include me as a part of their own and I 've got a great feeling about our upcoming FTX 's because everyone is a hard worker that truly understands the meaning of " teamwork " . We 'll have to see if that lasts when we 're cold and tired and hungry and soaking wet from being rained on . Hopefully it does . Got a pretty good load of mail tonight after we moved barracks and everyone seems to be doing great . Erika included a few conversations and messages she 's had or gotten on my screen name . Thanks to everyone who said hi . She also added a ton of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons and even though we had a long day of practical exercises I still went to sleep with a smile on my face . Definitely a good night , all things considered , and further proof I 've got the greatest girl in the world to call mine . More classes with the techniques cadre . Today was Platoon Ambush followed by practical exercises on the airfield and then in the woods . Lucky me , I was picked to be the platoon leader for both . The iteration on the airstrip went pretty well and it was good for the new guys to see what right looks like , but the full dress rehearsal didn 't make me look very good . Everything was going really well until the point of initiation . The recon was great , the prep in the ORP happened quickly , and movement to the release point was good , but when I emplaced my assault squads I made a huge rookie mistake by not ensuring we could see the objective from our positions while laying in the prone . When we did the recon we were on a knee and therefore higher above the ground . When the actual ambush was supposed to happen we couldn 't see the OPFOR walking on the trail because we were too low to the ground . So that was embarrassing . Once the RI finished yelling and we fixed the problem the rest of the mission went well . For a little while afterwards I was being really hard on myself , but after a bit I came around and realized that we do those practical exercises for a reason and that they 're not graded . Yeah , the RIs are always evaluating you , but everything is gonna be ok . It rained on us again today for the fourth day in a row . Had a quick class on how to conduct a platoon raid and then did practical exercises all day . We 're getting better and working together more with each iteration , but there are still a few guys that I can see causing problems in the field . As Perfecto " Rodriguez , Lopez , Chavez " Sanchez said a few days ago , " White Phosphorus is gonna get us through . " Hopefully it 'll be enough to have those 14 WP grads in the platoon to make things happen . We had a mascot for almost an entire half hour today before our pet box turtle decided to make a mess in my buddy Steve Kiser 's ammo pouch . We let him go shortly thereafter . Quote of the day : " Man , I wish that the only thing we did in Ranger School was eat . Time goes so much faster when we 're doing that . " Eric Perkins , ladies and gentlemen . The first graded chain of command gets emplaced tomorrow night and it 's go time until the end of the phase . We 'll get ' er done this time .

Buzzy - - What an awesome dump that was & don 't you just love those nice tight farts ? To answer your question I sometimes dump like you . If I feel there 's more to come but it 's not making it 's way out I 'll wander a bit ( when outside of course ) then resume my shit . I haven 't posted for a while cause I haven 't had anything unusual with my shits . That changed yesterday . I hadn 't gone in 3 days ( not that unusual for me ) & early yesterday morning I felt a sharp pain in my stomach & let out a long hard fart of about 7 seconds . I made my way to the bathroom & quickly pulled down my panties . I sat & let out a long piss first & farted 2 more times as I peed . Then the cramp hit again & I actually grunted out a long turd . It was quite wide & my ass opened up as far as it would go to let it out . This was followed by 2 more logs that weren 't as long or fat . I looked at my ! procuct & saw 1 fat turd about 12 inches long & 2 more of 8 inches each . It was only an hour later when I felt the need to crap again . I went back to the toilet & quickly let out a wave of soft poop . I knew there was more so I waited & sure enough a couple minutes later I let go with another wave . I farted a couple times & bent forward to push out 1 more wave . I filled the toilet pretty good & had to wipe 4 times . Now the weird part is it was only 10 minutes before I had to go again . It was an urgent call & I quickly made my way to the bathroom again . I sat just in time to let out a long wave of liquid shit . I sat for about 15 minutes as I pissed out my ass . That was the last time I had to go until this afternoon when I had my usual dump of nice solid turds . dear madman you have every right to be mad at the huge shits your girlfriend does and it is good that you still love her . but I have to disagree with everything you have said in not liking your womens huge bowel movements . I do not know if you are a regular post reader but i have a luscious blond girlfriend named kim - who is five foot four , big blue eyes , long blond hair . who happens to have 40 double - D boobs and a very shapely figure who has incredibly huge logs ! ! even some measuring 17 inches . madman you do not have to like your girls logs but I and many post readers do like huge logs made by females and males . I tell you I sure love it when my girl kim gets tottally nude and crashes out an enormous log for me ( She likes to sit on the toilet naked ) kim & I even buddy dump sometimes . she even has sat on my lap as we both crashed out big logs together ! Boy ! I wish i was able to consistently crash out huge logs like she is able to do ! mine are usually smaller 8 - 12 ( Whic ! h is not bad ) while hers are 12 - and up ! ! well madman thats all i have to say to you . you do have a right to feel the way you do but i Would try to enjoy it . so long now . from scott Hi all ! Ginger - That was a great story ! I would love to hear another ( especially when you poop your panties ) . Keep them coming , you 're a good writer . Kim & Scott - I really liked your story . I know you guys like the compliments , I though I would share mine with you . = ) Nicola ( England ) - I thought the point you made in your last post was very insightful . Expression is not freedom to do anything . If that was the case , the US would be a chaotic society of murderers , rapers , and people who deficate on public property . People do not have to put up with what Goldgirl Fan calls " expressing herself . " If a murderer expresses his violent side by killing , do we have to put up with it because he is expressing himself ? Just think about that . As Austin Powers said " We have freedom and responsibility . It 's a very groovy time . " = ) Goldgirl . I read your post with interest but using the train toilet with your knickers still up sounds rather pointless to me . I can understand you wetting yourself if it had been occupied and you 'd been unable to wait , but intentionally wetting youreslf is something I just can 't understand . Madman . I suggest that you either get your girlfriend to only poo at her house or , gently but firmly insist on her using a bucket or commode when she 's at yours . It sounds to me as though she either eats an awful lot or doesn 't go to the toilet as often as she should - or a combination of the two ! Nicola ( England ) . It 's a long time since I saw a posting from you . Glad to see you back . Your husband must be one lucky fellow , getting to watch you like that . It 's good you can be so open with each other about such things . or your kindness . My water infection seems to have cleared up for the moment . I had a follow up visit to the doctor yesterday and he thought my sample was okay , but it 's going to be checked at the lab just to make sure . came upon me suddenly ; it felt like it was , and turned out to be , absolutely HUGE ! I started pushing it out slowly ( it was thick ) , and it just kept coming ! About halfway , I pushed Hi , it 's Hiker here . Thanks to John ( VT ) , Buzzy and Hiker _ uk for your comments . I 'm encouraged to continue posting . But I have a question for Hiker _ uk : Did I took - inadvertently - your nickname ? If I did , please notify me , in order to change mine : I 'm a newcomer here , so netiquette applies . As I said before , I like to take shit in the outdoors , and is better if nude . I am slim but strong ( not a bodybuilder or anything in that style ) , 176 centimeters - high and no matter how much - or less - I eat , I ) always weigh the same ( 60 kilos ) . I eat like two hungry horses , but I spend that energy almost every week in the mountains , so I have no fat . When I 'm camping in the nude beach , I like to stay most of the time nude ( sometimes up to 7 days without using even a sock ) , and when it comes to go shitting , I like to do it in the nude . It is a great sensation of freedom to go to the sea , or to the dune , or sometimes just in any place I could be , spread the legs a bit and start to have a nice shit . I do not take a lot of time , and most of the time all the process takes less than a minute to produce an average turd , that is , a 30 - centimeter long one , with a 5 centimeter diameter . When I 'm alone , when I am walking around and want to take shit , I just start to " do " it anywhere ( but at my tent 's door . . . ) , and i watch along the days how the turd changes with the weather , the sun and the salt . It 's a kind of experiment I like to carry out . Nevertheless , I cannot do this when there 's people camping or staying around me , as I do not like to soil their space , and I go beh ! ind a dune , to the sea or to the cave . Anyway , I don 't mind if they see me , purposely or not , and it 's sometimes very funny and to let other people watch me . It 's sometimes arousing as well . I ended my job , wiped myself and went to sleep , but past midnight , maybe awakened by the seagull 's screams , I set out of the tent to take a piss ; when I was outside , i noted that my turd was not on sight , but i was too sleepy to investigate , so I returned to my sleeping bag . Next morning , the first thing I saw ( or better said : the first thing I DIDN ' T saw ) outside was my turd : it had disapperaed almost completely , and at the beginning I thought that someone would had steal it , but soon I thought why someone would like to steal a turd ( ! ) . I was quizzed for a while until i examined the place where it had been lying : there were some remains of toilet paper , and the marks of my piss puddle , so THAT was the place . . . and 10 centimeters away , but not in the line of sight from the tent , it was the " carcass " of my turd . It had become ! Well , after having checked that , I spotted 2 tents across the dunes , at about 300 meters from my campsite , so I used the powerful telephoto of my camera to watch my neighbors ; this telephoto lens is a really heavy one ( 2 , 5 kilos , plus the camera itself ) but magnifies a lot , and let me see tha other camp quite clearly . I was doing that when I saw an already - known curly mane : it was the girl I had " met " the afternoon before , while I was defecating . I put the camera down in order to don 't be catched peeping at them , and almost immediately that girl turned and waved me . I answered in the same way , and a couple of seconds later she seemed to shout to somebody in her tent ( it was impossible to hear anything , though ) , and walked apart a couple of meters , when I saw a roll of toilet paper flyi ! ng towards her . I was pretty excited , but I was not sure about showing the camera , but I wanted to see her in the " bathroom " as well . She lowered her jeans and a small white panty and squatted in front of me , but apparently not on sight from her various friends . I watched her thru the lens and saw her apparently peeing and then she moved her back a bit for some seconds , and then she wiped her vagina AND her rear twice . She dressed up , and sterted to dismount the tents , and after an hour they all left the beach , and I was alone again . I explored their campsite and looked for their " bathroom " , that resulted to be behind a small natural wall of rock , that wasn 't possible to be noted from a distance . There , the freshest thing was a small puddle and 3 light brown turds that I am sure were made by that girl . I didn 't knew if she was aware of the fact that I was watching her , but after alllthese years , I has come to a conclusion : she knew that I was looking at her , and she might ev ! Hello everyone , first off I just wanted to say hello to everyone here and congratulate them on excellent stories for their posts . I have never posted here myself but have been lurking around for at least two years . I must say , the posts now are getting much better than those of the past . One great contribution I must note of these quality posts is goldgirl ~ . I must say that I am on her side and feel that if the activities she partakes in were unfit subject matter , that surely the moderator would have stopped them in their tracks . Goldgirl ~ I am a big fan of your posts and will always enjoy reading them , don 't ever let anyone talk you out of doing what you do , make this world a more golden place ! One other matter of business I must tend to is saying how much I appreciate the posts made by Rebecca / Becca . I think that you should use whatever name you prefer and don 't let people talk you out of it . However , if my word has any power in this site , I would like to simply s ! uggest that you leave your name as Becca . As a request Rebecca / Becca , I was wondering if you could relay some stories that you mentioned a while ago about when you and you sister would both have to go and had to race to the bathroom . I would appreciate any of those stories you had to contribute , thanks . Linda - LOL , yes I do use the toilet too . And looking back at my old posts I can see why you 're asking that . How did it feel ? Umm , I hate the feeling of having it in my pants but usually when I go in my pants I 've gotta go so bad that it feels really good to get it out . chris Goldgirl - I really like your stories and I REALLY like you too . Are you planning on any more buddy dumps . Did you enjoy , you sounded like you did . Anyway more soon The best way to decrease the size of your girlfriend 's turds is to get her to do her business more often . The longer a turd sits in the rectum , the drier it gets . She can achieve smaller turds and more frequent defecation by drinking plenty of fluid and eating plenty of fruit and vegetables . I speak from personal experince . I have very slight hemerrhoids . They are not large or painful , but they used to bleed sometimes when I was doing my business . I hated shitting more than once a day , because I nearly always got sore and sometimes bled . But now I eat plenty of vegetables and at least half a fresh apple each day , I shit usually twice per day and have had no more hemerrhoid trouble for 2 years . My turds are small and soft . There are usually at least 30 or 40 of them per evacuation ( I count the spashes as they hit the water ) . LOUISE - You 've NEVER heard a woman poo in the bathroom at work ? That 's extraordinary ! I reckon that when I use the ladies room at work , 3 out of 5 women who use the toilets can be heard pooing . I grew up and worked in England ( I came to the States in 1984 ) and heard woman pooing in public toilets throughout my life ! I mean if you have to poo you have to poo - work or no work . You can 't hold it in all day ! Why do you hover above the bowl whie you pee and poo ? Doesn 't the poo make a louder splash ? Then everyone knows what you are doing ! BUZZY - When the woman talked to me as I pooed , she looked at me in the eyes but I did notice her eyes move down a couple of times just as a log was coming out of my bottom . BILL - When I poo outdoors it 's the same as if I use a toilet . If I only need to poo , I just poo . Sometimes while a turd is coming out I 'll do a small pee as well . Sometimes I need to do both and the pee starts immediately while the log comes out . pooed in my sleep when I was in my early 20 's . Luckily I was living alone ! I had a dream that I needed to poo badly and then found a toilet . In the dream I had a really satisfying poo , then I suddenly woke up to find myself pooing in my bed . Luckily the turd hadn 't completely come out so it didn 't make a mess . I got up , pooed on the floor and went back to bed . In the morning I picked up the turd and put it in the toilet . Then I did a massive poo ( in the toilet ! ) . Rebecca - I LOVED your story . That 's one of the best I have read in quite a while ! Did anybody see South Park on Wednesday ? Kenny ( one of the characters on the show ) got very ill and began shitting all over the place . I don 't get turned on by this , but the sounds were absolutely histerical ! Also , I watched an episode of Kids in the Hall last night ( some of you Canadians and Americans may know of this show ) . The plot of this one skit was there were six guys at a meeting . Their club was a club in which they could not go to the bathroom , because they were attempting to escape " the tyrany of their bladders . " I thought it was very funny . Nothing sexual if that 's what you 're hoping for , but if you are looking for some great toilet humor , this show is for you . Peace , I can 't stop smiling ! I feel I 've spread the word of an amazing new faith , and I know exactly how it feels for you . It 's habit - forming , eh ? If the urinal is nice and clean , perhaps not used so often , it 's by no means a smelly or unleasant device to use , and it 's just so much FUN to plant your high heels squarely before the thing , lift your skirt and relax ! I can picture it exactly - - I 've done it so many times ! Looking down at that river of wee connecting your mound with the porcelain , hearing the crackly hiss , feeling your heart thudding . . . There are times I 've considered installing one at home , it 's that much fun ! Yes , that 's the way to go , panties aside and a tissue at the ready . I think you 've got it , dear . And you even marked your ' kill ' with a venus sign ! Yeah ! Another bit of silly fun , and it 'll be interesting to see if the guys ever catch on . I don 't think they ever did around the college . I know a lady in the States began ' marking her terr ! There 's a developing trend amongst women to use urinals , as it happens , I recall a post on another forum last year from a seasoned pee - diva who used the men ' sroom with her husband regularly . She said that at half - time at a big game they had used a busy restroom and the number of women using urinals had been incredible . They used the technique of lowering their pants just a little and weeing forward , and the comment was that there was a long line of half - bared bums , which was extremely gratifying . Somehow , the subject turned to being trapped somewhere without toilet facilities , and a woman of about 30 made a comment that she would be in real trouble quite soon if she were ever to find herself in that situation . I know she goes for a wee very frequently during the day , and she said she once became so deperate that she had to stop her car one day at the side of a busy road and get out quickly . The men in the room sniggered a little at that , and this prompted the woman to say something like , " It 's okay for men , all they have to do is point it at the wall and can just put their hands in their pockets and look nonchalant ! It 's not the same when you 're crouched down with your knickers around your ! Some how I cannot see such bottles being much use to women who urinate strongly like Louise . I think the adaptors would be inadequate in their ability to handle the flow rate of the liquid . Try holding a funnel under running water in the sink , turn up the flow and you 'll see what I mean . There is a bottlenecking effect , and unless a woman urinates in a slow trickle , and obviously the urine is dispensed into the adaptor at a rate which does not exceed the flow capacity permitted by the neck size , it seems to me that the adaptor would be quite useless as it would overflow . Perhaps someone who posts here can say they are fine for themselves to use . Or maybe not . Well , ladies , what do you think ? I know Louise would not be able to use one , as she enjoye ! d playing with a medium sized funnel when we were in the bath together recently and even that overflowed slightly . Ha , she even attached a six inch length of hosepipe to it so she could wee through it and pretend she had a penis . She 's quite , quite mad ; ) Kim and Scott , quite a dump that was in the mall . Like I said before , they will have to redesign the toilet with larger dimensions to handle Kim 's bombs . Ha . Take care , you two ! PV , On a more serious note , I quite agree with you about exercising caution and using discretion for the reasons you gave and for darker ones which are an unfortunate hazard in this country , and most probably , much of the rest of the world ( sigh ) . Though Louise can be a little impulsive at times , she is a good judge of when _ to _ and when _ not to _ , so I really don 't think we need worry . This forum tends to bring out the fun - loving aspect of her personality , but she is very sensible when she needs to be . Thanks for your concern though , and we do both appreciate it very much . : ) Sandra 95 % of the time I FART before I poop , pee , or both . I try to share my FARTS , and POOP with every one . There is nothing like it . Shy Pam - Yes , for me it wasn 't quite a weekly occurrence , but in Kindergarten through about second grade , I peed myself once every two or three weeks . I have the same feeling when I see little kids pee themselves now ( especially since I still do it at times ! ) . And for those of you who like poop stories better than pee , I 'll try to tell a couple of those , but I have very few . ting lunch and right before going outside , but in this case I didn 't get the chance ( I can 't remember why , though ) . So we were outside , and I remember I was playing a game of wall ball ( which is kind of like dodge ball for those of you who don 't know ) . I was standing along the wall when I felt the really strong urge to pee . I was fidgeting a whole lot , but because everyone was moving trying to dodge the ball , no one could tell I had to go . Finally , in order to get relief , I kind of let myself get hit so I could be out . I casually but quickly walked to the teacher on duty and told her I had to go to the bathroom and it was an emergency , but the teacher ( she was another mean one - - we seem to have had lots of those ) looked at her watch and said there 's only about five minutes left , please wait for recess to end . So I started walking toward the back of the playground , knowing that I couldn 't even make it another two minutes , let alone five . At the point of breaking ! loose , I decided that because I was wearing one of those short summer dresses that day ( fortunately ! ) , I would just let myself go casually . I sat down on the grass in a back remote corner of the playground , pulled my dress behind me so that I was just sitting in my underwear , and let loose in my panties ( they were white , I believe , since I was wearing a yellow summer dress , and dark colors would have shown through ) . It felt really relaxing to feel my bladder emptying . But I now had the problem of wet panties ( they were pretty much soaked ) . If I had put that thin summer dress on top of those soaked panties , it would have been so obvious what I had done ! So I took them off ( incredibly risky when wearing a summer dress ! ) , and threw them behind a fence into the woods . When recess ended , you can imagine how carefully I walked ! I kept smoothing the back of my dress every ten seconds or so ! Like I said in my last post , I always had a change of clothes , so before cl ! To Nicola - I still feel Goldgirl should be allowed to express herself the way she likes . If someone goes away for the weekend with their boyfriend or girlfriend , get a motel and " do it " , they leave bodily fluids in the sheets , in the bedding , etc . . . . . . . . I guess that 's OK , right ? What about the other fluids left on towels , washclothes , etc . where we all would have to be exposed to them . . . I don 't care how many times most hotels clean usually it is people at minimum wage or getting paid by each room . . . instead of clean you just get a rushed wiping . You are certainly welcome to your opinion , I just don 't agree ! I had one of the closest calls yesterday afternoon that I have ever had . It was warm out and ' tis the season . . . so I went to Dunkin Donuts and got a Coolata , my FAVE summer drink . After drinking it , I went to the store . I could feel my ? ? ? ? start to rumble and felt the urge to poo . It went away and I decided to go home . About a half - mile out I could feel my ! stomach graduate to flip - flopping and I KNEW I had to poo . As I pulled down my street it became a fight to strain to keep from letting it all go in my panties . I pulled into the driveway and quickly made my way to the bathroom . As I pulled down my shorts and panties I felt what I thought was a wet fart of diarrhea . . . fortunately I was wrong , it was just a release of gas ! As soon as my shorts and panties were clear I landed on the seat and the diarrhea let go . . . I couldn ' I don 't know what the Coolata mixed with but it was horrid ! I had to use about half a can of air spray and leave the window open for a long time . I usually don 't get like this and am thankful for that . White panties for now . . . . . . . To Kimberly : Dude , I love your stories ! I laugh every time you boast about your tremendous figure . Are you sure about the size of your chest ? ! ! My goodness . Keep those hot stories coming , brother ! Thanks . . . Johnny Ginger - welcome and loved your story . I had a lot of accidents in my pants in elementary school but it was mostly Kindergarten and first grade , had a couple in the other grades but it was almost a weekly occurrence in the lower grades . Also , whatever I had to do is what came out . . . pee , poo or both . My Mom should have bought stock in Carters the way I went through underpants ! Post more stories when you remember incidents . I find the more I read the posts , the more I can remember from my past . At the time I was horrified , embarassed , afraid , disappointed , etc . While I now almost think its kinda cute ( sort of a ritual we all seem to go through ) I remember just what it felt like having to go urgently and then losing control with a release like a dam break . When I see little kids have accidents now my heart goes out to them because I do remember what it feels like to go through what they are doing . I also have several neices from 2 - 7 and have seen numerous accidents . . . may ! Rebecca - Nice to see you back . I haven 't been posting all that long and have seen your stories in the back posts . . . I love them . As far as your name , whatever makes you happiest or the best is the one you want . If you are looking for opinions , I think ' Becca ' is much cooler than Rebecca , but thats just my opinion . . . besides , they are both nice , I just like Becca better . Get a lot of input then decide what YOU like . Take Care . Ciao . Next page : Old Posts page 372 >< Previous page : 374 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey

Like people , dogs and cats start out with a set of deciduous , or baby , teeth . These are quite small . As the animal grows , these teeth don 't . By the time the pet is about three months old , the teeth look too small for the animal , and there is noticeable space between them . That 's because the jaws are growing and the teeth aren 't . At roughly sixteen weeks , permanent teeth begin to emerge . The first ones will be the upper incisors - - the two teeth right in the middle of the front on the upper jaw ( numbers 101 and 201 for your dentists out there ) . By five to six months , most pets have all of their permanent teeth , with the canine teeth ( fangs ) coming in last . As the permanent teeth come in , the roots of the baby teeth dissolve , and they just fall out to make room for the new tooth . . . most of the time , that is . It 's very common to see some baby teeth retained . The permanent tooth has come in beside them , and now we have two teeth in the space meant for one . This is most common with the canine teeth , the fangs , and it 's not good . The bottom fang should come up and rest in a groove just in front of the upper fang . If the upper " baby fang " is still present , it pushes the permanent tooth forward , making that groove too small . If the lower " baby fang " doesn 't go away , the permanent tooth comes up into the roof of the mouth , instead of that groove . So , if you see permanent teeth coming in while the baby teeth are still there , it 's important to have those baby teeth extracted . We want the permanent teeth to come in to the right spot . It 's not just a matter of a pretty smile : think how it would feel to have one of your teeth always poking you in the roof of the mouth - - OUCH . When the baby tooth 's root has not dissolved , it can be quite long . In the case of the canine tooth ( fang ) , the root is about twice as long as the tooth you can see . This requires general anesthesia to extract , as you 've got to do a bit of digging to get it out in one piece . These teeth are the reason that I started the post by talking about a dental X - ray unit . This six - months old Yorkie puppy looked like it had a mouth full of permanent teeth , and we just needed to get those two baby fangs that were hanging on . Danged if she didn 't have TEN baby teeth hanging around . Some were pretty loose , having no roots , and others were still pretty firm . They all needed to come out and make room for the permanent teeth . Were there more than ten baby teeth hanging on ? I don 't think so ; I do think I got them all , but I don 't know for sure . I need that dental X - ray . Posted at 04 : 49 PM in Dental Care | Permalink I have a 6 month old Chihuahua puppy and I just noticed over the weekend that his permanent teeth are coming in sort of behind his " baby teeth " . I 'm taking him to the vet this week to have it looked at , but I have a feeling he 's going to need at least a few teeth pulled . Is this common in small breed dogs ? I 've never heard of it before this . Posted by : This is pretty common . We used to wait until the dog was having some other procedure to take these out . Unfortunately , by that time , the permanent teeth are probably in the wrong place . If those permanent teeth are half - way in and the baby teeth are still feeling solid , those baby teeth should be extracted right away . I know that with dogs , retained deciduous teeth are a concern around 6 - 8 months of age . Is the same true with kittens ? I 've been checking my kitten 's teeth every week or so , but it 's been about 10 days since I last looked , and today I noticed his upper adult canines are in about halfway , and the babies haven 't fallen out . He was neutered about 3 weeks ago , so it 's too late have them pulled when that gets done , and I 'd hate to have to put him under again this soon just for those two teeth . The situation would be similar , but I do not recall ever having seen a cat with retained deciduous teeth . Lowers would be more of a concern than uppers . As the permanent teeth continue to emerge , check for mobility of the baby teeth . If you can wiggle them , I think you 'll not have a problem . I have two 6 month old kittens . I have not noticed my female losing any of her teeth but I was checking my males mouth and noticed that both canines adult teeth are growing in but the baby ones haven 't fallen out . The adult ones are barely coming in ( I can see them ) so will he lose the baby one still ? Or should I take him to the vet ? Posted by : I have a 20 week old boston terrier who is quite small for his age ( only about 6 lbs ) . His ears began curling backward at about 14 weeks of age , and therefore I thought that he had begun teething . ( They later restraightened out at about 17 weeks ) . However , when I took him to my vet about a week ago , she noticed that his BABY teeth ( especially the incisors ) had completely erupted yet ! She also noticed that his adult molars were starting to come in . She was concerned about the fact that his baby teeth hadn 't even fully erupted yet at this age . How likely is it that I may have a puppy who does not have adult teeth under his deciduous teeth ? What other dental problems can I expect due to his delayed development ? Posted by : I 'm no dental expert . Dental X - rays would be needed to see what 's going on there . With that information , your regular veterinarian would then be able to consult a veterinary dental specialist . When I looked , I noticed he had double canine teeth on the top row of his teeth , on both sides . I was wondering if this will cause him any problems , as both teeth seem to be about the same size . I was also wondering what we should do about this and whether we should act now , or wait a month or two to see if the problem resolves itself ? The top teeth cause less problems than the bottom canine teeth . If the bottom canine teeth are double , it usually makes the permanent fangs come up into the roof of the mouth . With double top fangs , the permanent fang can come in too far forward , leaving less room for the bottom fang . Even if the teeth are meshing together okay , those two teeth being in the space meant for one will accumulate a lot of debris and tartar , causing gum disease that need not take place . If no interference , then I 'd watch for a few weeks . Those baby upper canine teeth may go ahead and loosen . If you have double teeth a month from now and the baby tooth isn 't loose at all , it should be extracted by your veterinarian . I had one of my chihuahuas upper canines ( baby tooth ) removed when she was spayed yesterday . No adult tooth had started to come in , but she has all her others . Is there a chance she might not have an adult tooth come in ? And how long will it take to not bother her ? Or heal completely ? She is 11 months and Im feeding her canned dog food until it seems to feel better . Im giving her baby tylenol for her tummy as well . . . Thanks so much ! ! Most permanent teeth erupt by the time the dog is six months old . It is possible that there just is no permanent tooth there , but it may be up under the gums and misdirected . A dental X - ray is the only way to tell . My vet removed my 6 month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel 's upper canines when he neutered him last week . They cauterized the gums after extraction . This was on Friday . On Sunday , I noticed that the gum on the left side was eroded and very angry looking . I took him back to the vet the next day and he debrided the area and removed a small bone chip ( my regular vet did not do the surgery , an associate did ) . He said to keep an eye on it and that it should heal pretty rapidly . The gum does seem to be healing but you can see the entire tooth up to where the lip meets the gum line . The gum is entirely gone above 3 / 4 of he tooth . Will this grow back ? I would recommend that you have your veterinarian recheck the area in a few days . It is possible that things are not as bad as you fear . Quite frankly , most pet - owners are not used to looking at surgical sites , and often mis - estimate ( both better or worse ) the severity of the problem . My yorkie is about 3 yrs old and has a baby tooth ontop of his left botton fang . . . its loose ! Will it fall out by itself ? Also its very discolored which really worries me but he doesn 't seem to be in any pain ! ? Should I just let it fall out ? Hello ! I was wondering if you could give me some advice . My doxie is over a year old now . She has two canines growing in the same spot - ( One baby and one adult ) The vet - tech told me not worry about it when I had her spayed , but now she is digging at it and I think it 's causing her a lot of pain ! ? Should I get her in as soon as possible or is this not a serious matter ? Thanks ! Posted by : Our 6 month old cat was neutered today . When I picked him up the vet showed me where his LOWER canines are growing into his upper jaws . He referred me to a specialist in a neighboring state . I am very anxious . Will the problem be correctable and will I be able to afford the procedures . The first office visit will be $ 135 . Has anyone ever heard of this ? I would some insight . I have not seen this in cats . It is not uncommon in dogs . Many dogs ( especially toy breeds ) fail to shed the deciduous ( " baby " ) canine teeth . They occupy the space needed by the permanent teeth , forcing the permanent teeth to come in at a wrong angle . This can cause the lower canines to come up into the roof of the mouth , rather than out into the groove between the upper canine teeth and out incisor teeth , where they belong . With the help of a dental specialist 's advice , I have successfully ( on ONE dog ) created an acrylic plate across the roof of the mouth . A wedge shape was part of the plate . As the dog closed his mouth , the wedge would force his canine teeth toward the place they needed to be . This is much less complicated than " braces " , but is still a pretty big deal . Thank you for your quick response and for sharing you expertise . Yogi 's lower canines are actually poking into his upper gums . I asked about extracting the lower canines and my vet is concerned about it being a complex procedure which could possibly result in breaking the lower jaw . He also mentioned doing a pulp . . . . ? I will post again as soon as I learn more . Again , thank you for your post . Posted by : We went to a veterinary dental specialist today to have Yogi evaluated . Yogi will have surgery next Wednesday . The least invasive solution will be to cut away part of the upper gum . As the gum heals , it will accommodate his misplaced lower canines . The other two procedures both require two surgeries . One adds a temporary " cap " that extends the canine teeth and will help them clear the gum area . The last alternative will be to break off the teeth and fill them . Number three does not sound like a good alternative to me ( too much chance for infection , lost fillings , etc . ) Yogi 's surgery was successfully completed yesterday . The doctor was able to cut out enough upper gum tissue on both sides of his mouth to make room for the misplaced lower canines . The doctor told me that everything fits . ( Yogi hasn 't let me peek inside his mouth long enough to see how his teeth fit , but I will try this afternoon during his nap time . ) : - ) Once the teeth are erupted , they don 't really grow in size . They just finish growing / erupting all the way into the mouth , above the gum - line . They aren 't going to get any bigger in diameter . I am concerned that these may be deciduous incisors that failed to shed . I would recommend that you let your veterinarian take a quick look at the dog 's mouth . Dental radiographs may be necessary to determine if these are preventing the permanent teeth from erupting . My 5 - mo . old kitten has shark mouth : upper baby fangs + adult fangs side by side . When I read this , I freaked out and called the vet . They told me not to worry and if the baby teeth hadn 't come out by 7 - 8 months , they should be extracted . No need to freak out . The biggest problem is if the lower fangs appear to be heading toward the roof of the mouth instead of the groove between the teeth where they belong . At five months , they may still come out on their own . My Malichon has two sets of lower canine teeth both baby teeth have retained on the bottom , He is 6 months old and Im not sure if they will come out on there own or not . What should I do ? Should I wait to see if the will fall out or should I take him to his Vet ? If these teeth do not feel loose , then I would recommend removal . Leaving them in place can cause the permanent teeth to erupt in such a way that they wind up bumping other teeth or the roof of the mouth . This is constantly painful . Hi ! I have an almost 7 month old kitten . I am almost positive her baby teeth have never fallen out , but it doesn 't look like her teeth are needing to fall out . Is there any way to really tell if they are their baby teeth ? ( And she was not happy when I was checking her mouth a minute ago . I have a wonderful bite on my finger now . ) Also , I have an almost 6 month old chihuahua puppy , and we have started calling him shark dog because he has so many double teeth . Do you have any advice about this ? It would be much appreciated . Hi Doc , I love this web site ! I sold a pup with narrow canine jaw , my vet didn 't catch it on the exam , and owners vet said to pull the baby teeth . Is this the best thing to do ? And can I call around and get prices for the job to save some money or do I need a specialist ? Posted by : Hi doc , i just took my 7week old stander poodle to the vet for his first set of vaccine and the veterinary noticed his bottom fangs were growing into his roof of his mouth . the doc said this is really serious , all i was thinking was $ $ $ $ how much is going to cost me now . Can u you tell me is this a serious problem im facing and is it going to be expansive ? Thank u My mini schnauzer is approx 6 . 5 - 7 . 5 months old . It appears all of his adult teeth are in . Many of his baby teeth were slow to come out , but they all have except for one . It is on the top and is inside of the second molar from the back . It dangles and kind of hangs and rubs against the corresponding molar . It 's discolored and smelly . Will I probably need to have this removed surgically or might it still fall out on its own ? I wiggle it daily but nothing improves . My 5 month old border terrier jumped up and knocked one of his incisors ( I think , it 's the tooth just in front of his biggest fang ) this morning . I 'm pretty sure that it was an adult tooth , but we couldn 't find it . It wasn 't such a hard knock - he was jumping up to say hello and his tooth banged my tooth - mine was sore but no blood , however he was bleeding . If it was an adult tooth , can anything be done ? My kitten is about 3 or 4 months old . It 's hard to tell as I found her in a back alley when she was around 5 - 8 weeks old . Her adult bottom fang has seemed to grow in now , but I 've just noticed that her baby fang is now sitting to the side of her gums . It 's not in the way of the adult fang and it doesn 't bother her . I can 't tell if its loose cause she doesn 't like her mouth being touched as any cat doesn 't . I have an apointment with the vet on Sept 17 for her vaccines . Do you think it 'll fall out ? Since she is only about 3 - 4 months still ? Hello , this is an edit to the above . The bottom baby fang fell out but I just checked all her other teeth and noticed the baby upper fang is still there next to the adult fang . Should I just wait it out ? I believe I would wait on it , if the teeth appear to be in normal alignment . I have never seen a cat with retained baby teeth ( very common in toy breed dogs ) . It will probably fall out like the bottom one did . If not , it can be extracted later . The top one doesn 't cause nearly the problems that the bottom one does . My cat broke his tooth but it hasn 't fallen out yet it jus sticks out and its really loose I can move and wiggle it he 's still playing and chewing on things but it hasn 't came out . So can I pull it out ? Or what should I do ? ? I need help ! ! Posted by : Hi , I have a 1 year old chihuahua , and her adult teeth are in but still have some baby teeth in . The top is a clear two sets of teeth ( adult and baby in front ) the baby teeths are shrinking , will they fall out on their own or will I need to take her asap to a vet ? As for her bottom , there are a few baby teeth but they look like crowded . I 'm getting worried , as I didnt pull it out when she got spayed only because she had over 10 baby teeth at top , and 10 at bottom . So I waited , and some has fallen out on their own but not all . With all this said , my friend who has my puppys father , she said the father 's baby teeth did not all fall out until about 14 months . And his teeth are fine . Should I wait ? Posted by : Thanks for your quick response Doc . Majority of her baby teeth are loose , and some are shrinking . I will be taking your advice and going to take them out ! thanks ! My 7 month old Norwich male lost a lower tooth nect to his canine today . The tooth was small and may have been a baby tooth . I do not see an adult tooth coming in . Could an adult tooth still come in ? Sometimes there is no adult tooth developing , which would be a birth defect . Sometimes it is there , but just doesn 't come in . I would be surprised if it erupted later than this . Hi , I have a 5yr old Yorkie and I found a small molar in my bed last night . I can 't see anything out of the ordinardy in her mouth and she appears to have all of her teeth . When she was about 6months old she had doubles of all her fang teeth that I had pulled right away . Could this be a late permanent tooth ? I would recommend that you ask your veterinarian to examine your dog 's mouth . If she has gum disease , you want to get it handled as soon as you can so that you don 't lose more teeth . Also , if there is that kind of gum disease , it affects the whole body health status of the animal . It 's not dramatic , but it is a constant drag on the system . Hello . I have a 6 - month - old yorkie , and I 've noticed that his adult teeth are growing in while he still has baby teeth . The baby teeth are mostly in the front of his mouth , but it looks like they 're making his adult teeth grow in crooked . A few of them are wobbly , so I was wondering if I should wait a few more weeks or if I should take him to the vet . It would be good to let your veterinarian evaluate him . The baby incisors ( the tiny teeth across the front ) won 't be much of a problem . The baby fangs need to come out . They can cause the permanent teeth to malocclude , causing pain , growing into the roof of the mouth , and so forth . While we don 't routinely extract these permanent teeth early on , if they are all crowded up and turned crooked , they usually are lost to gum disease later in life . Many of these dogs are " flat faced " and their jaws just aren 't long enough for all those teeth . A normal dog ( wolf type ) has a long , skinny nose , not a short flat one . My 8 month chihuahua Tia has Retained deciduous teeth & her adult teeth are all in fully grown ( all four fangs ) . I have called my vet & booked her in for next week , but I am a nervous wreck . Shes 4 1 / 2lbs in weight & im worried about her going under . The procedure is relatively short , even with all four baby teeth to remove . Usually around five minutes or so per tooth is required . The anesthetic can be pretty light if we block the nerves to the area with local anesthetic . That numbness controls the pain . I have a 8 month old Pomeranian and she has retained her 2 top fangs . We went to the vet today and I asked about them ( not her appt ) and they suggested pulling them . They are more clear and discolored then her adult fangs and I was wondering is it still possible they will fall out on their own . They are not loose at all but are discolored a little like they might be dying . Should I try and wiggle them and see if I can get them to loosen . I hate to put her under if I can avoid it . Everything is lining up ok so no discomfort as far as I can tell . Posted by : If they do not feel loose at all , they probably still have their entire root . The root is twice the size of the tooth you can see . You are unlikely to be able to " wiggle them loose " . You might break them off , making extraction of the root rather more complicated . Hi I have a 5 month old kitten and I just discovered retention of the deciduous canines in the mandible . The deciduous teeth are wiggly and there is redness around the gums indicating they might come out on their own . The adult teeth are halfway in already . Should I wait a couple of days to see if the deciduous teeth come out on their own ? If the teeth do come out on their own , how likely is it that the adult teeth will correct themselves ? Since he 's been teething , I routinely check my mixed - breed puppy 's mouth . All has been well - baby teeth disappearing and adult teeth coming through the gums practically overnight . Today I suddenly noticed what looks like another tooth ready to pop through the gum - only it 's not the gum - it 's toward the center of the roof of his mouth , behind his front teeth ! He already got his adult front teeth , first , in fact . I 've heard of this in humans , but dogs ? He is probably a shih tzu mix , with something a bit larger - he 's about 20 lbs . has a regular ( wolf - type , as you put it ) , slightly upturned nose and an underbite . He wasn 't due to go back to the vet for almost a year . Our rather pricey vet has a dental vet specialist who cleans teeth , etc . , so I 'll take him in , of course , when whatever this is grows in , probably in a day or two . Just wondering if you 've seen this before and how extensive the surgery would be . Posted by : If the teeth have come in the wrong spot , several things are possible . One is that they won 't be so close together that they catch junk , and that they won 't bump other teeth . Then it 's a big " so what ? " . Thanks for the reassuring advice . I usually don 't panic but my husband also thought it look like a tooth . Today it 's looking less white , so less like a tooth ready to erupt . I 'm now hopeful that it 's just a normal part of the ridge behind the teeth in the roof of the mouth that just got bigger all of a sudden ( everything on this puppy gets bigger every day ! ) - I guess time will tell . Just looked again to make sure and now I 'm positive that 's what it is ! Never noticed it when the teeth were coming in , in any other dogs I 've had - but my last two have been Irish Wolfhounds and it was probably a lot smaller in relation to the rest of their mouths . In this little guy it looked big compared to his front incisors . Thank you again so much - you 've saved me much worry . Btw , this is a great site - very informative , informal and interesting . Hello , I have a white miniature Schnauzer puppy who was born July 25 , 2014 - Should I be concerned he don 't have his incisor teeth and only has two of his top canines ? I keep reading that the incisors are the first to grow . Could there be something wrong with my puppy ? Posted by : I wouldn 't get too upset at this point . Give him another couple of weeks . He should be seeing his veterinarian for his first vaccinations soon ( after weaning , six to eight weeks of age ) . Let your doctor check him over . Hi , I have a teacup Chihuahua that will be 1 in a week and her top fangs on her left side haven 't come back in . She eats fine but should I be worried ? Posted by : I 'm sure you have gone over this before , but my 4 year old Chihuahua has a tendency to chew / suck on my fingers . Today I noticed his bottom right tooth was missing . He still keeps trying to nibble on my fingers though I 'm keeping them from him due to germs . Should I be worried more and take him to the vet ? He is still eating and acting normal , but I don 't know of his comfort level . Posted by : Hi , I have a yorkie - poo that 's almost 7 months old . It 's been about a month since I 've noticed his adult teeth have fully grown in with his 4 baby fangs still there . The other day he was playing and his rope pulled one of them loose and it fell out within hours because he kept licking at it . So now he has 3 retained teeth instead of 4 . The tooth that fell out doesn 't look like it 's broken and also that part of his mouth doesn 't seem to be infected , but is there anything I should worry about ? I 'm planning to have him nuetered and to get the other three pulled out at the same time as soon as possible . Also , I 've looked on many websites and they 've explained everything well , but I haven 't been able to find anything helpful about what current symptoms puppies face because of retained teeth . Like if they chew more , have trouble eating , and how it affects their mood , behavior , and habits . Any information you can give me would be greatly appreciated . Thanks for your advice . I 'm going to try to get them removed as soon as possible . Do retained teeth cause puppies to chew more than when they are just teething ? He chews all the time and and likes to chew on people 's fingers even when he 's just being petted . How does it affect mood , behavior , and habits ? Posted by : You really shouldn 't allow the dog to put his mouth on your body or clothing . Licking is okay , but not the mouthing . That " I 'm not really biting you " stuff is no good . Our Yorkie , age 1 1 / 2 , has a retained deciduous canine right behind her adult canine in the upper left jaw . I 've kept the " food trap " between them very clean . Vet never suggested it was an emergency and figured that down the road there will be a time she will actually need to have a dental / clean and could have an extraction done at that time . Much to my surprise - over the last few days the deciduous tooth ( behind the adult tooth ) - changed color , started wobbling , and now looks like it 's just hanging on by a tiny bit of skin . ( There 's also just a little bit of blood . ) Our dog has absolutely zero discomfort with the tooth as far as I can tell - lets me touch it , no prob eating , etc . I have a call in to our vets and waiting to see if she wants me to bring our Yorkie in - but it sounded like this wasn 't an obvious emergency for them so I 'm waiting to hear back . In any case , my question - how common / uncommon is it for a retained deciduous tooth to fall out this late ( age 1 1 / 2 years ! ) ? Have we lucked out and avoided an extraction ? ( This is her only retained baby tooth ) . Thanks ! I enjoy your website ! Hi ! I 've got a five year old beagle basset mix , and it looks like she still has her baby teeth n back , and the adult teeth are trying to push their way up . We sort of discovered this when she refused to eat anything " hard " . We live in Mexico , and finding a vet who knows anything about this is difficult . Posted by : Hello , we have a 10 month old Working Lakeland cross JRT , I have spoken to our vet twice now regarding his baby tooth that is still present with his adult tooth in front of it . They said it was fine and not to worry . He has just been in under a general anaesthetic for a lump removal off his back leg , so they could have done it then as he was under . It 's not very fair on the little man going under again , is it likely to come out on its own now or do you think it will need removing ? A bottom baby canine tooth ( fang ) can make the permanent fang come up in the wrong place and be painful . If it has not come out by 10 months , it probably won 't come out on its own . The teeth will need cleaning at some point , and it can be extracted then . Hello , my dog is 5 yeas old and her teeth has not fallen out before . Today , we got hit on the jaw and one of her teeth fell out . The teeth was already shaking . Will it still grow ? Posted by : Your comment could not be posted . Error type : Your comment has been saved . Comments are moderated and will not appear until approved by the author . Post another comment The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image . Please try again . As a final step before posting your comment , enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below . This prevents automated programs from posting comments .

I offer as one illustration the fact that the American culture has become so ill - defined . In fact it has become a bit of a joke that we Americans don 't have a culture . Our culture is work most of the time , spend and accumulate the rest of the time ; no time for each other , our children , our neighbors or meaningful friendships . No time for meaningful music , art , or creating expressions of who we are beyond grand multi - story glass and steel structures . Is that who we have become ? So many of us have glommed on to other cultures and we have embraced multi - cultural philosophies as if other cultures have some intrinsic value that ours does not have , or did have at one time . But if one thinks about what it is that we enjoy about other cultures it is that the outward evidence of them that we enjoy so much , that time spent in an outpouring of joy celebrated together , in spending time doing something shared , in family time , in dance , in music , in collaborative cooking , in creating art . We are not glomming on to the way that other cultures vacuum their floors or make their beds . We desperately desire the bond of coming together , the welding together of spirits that occurs in a time and place of common joyful purpose . So we take some time off from working and spending to become a voyeur to a culture that appeals to us because it speaks to our spirit and its desire to connect with other joyful spirits . I recall a wonderful party in Mexico where a bunch of plastic chairs and a cooler full of beer were dragged out of a pickup truck into the dirt front yard . A band showed up with amps and instruments and a party was born and the neighbors came with their chairs , and joyful dancing and singing ensued and even the neighborhood drunk was allowed to grab a few beers . I recall a similar party in Greece where people came from all over the mountains to share in a spit roasted lamb and beer and the party with festive clarinets and recorded music went into the wee hours of the morning by firelight . In both cases , the spirit was joyful and made magic and powerful by expense of time and the communal willingness of all to relax , and to laugh , and to pass time in celebration of each other and themselves . It is an unintended consequence of buying into the fallacy of more is better that leads us to isolation by labor , isolation by shopping , and isolation by judgment that somehow we haven 't acquired enough yet to be confident in spending time with our neighbors . Perhaps the couch is worn or the car backfires when started ; so in the capitalistic mentality of more , we do not measure up and our spirits are suppressed . Surely a " successful " neighbor with a cleaner house and newer car wouldn 't want to socialize with a worn couch and old car ? Surely they must have better spirits to share with ; but the trouble is they don 't , they simply drive a nicer car to the fiesta or to the Greek festival and like a spiritual parasite they draw some small sap of joy from it that allows them to go back to work the next day . When all that was really needed was some joyous time with the people around them , it wasn 't necessary to rent a crowd , they live in one . In America , so many of us separate from our families and friends and potential friends by believing that more is better . We move away so we won 't be distracted by each other . We look down at the sidewalk when we pass each other in the street because even asmile , a hello or a good morning might infer some commitment that would take away from time for earning and shopping . I see the " more is better " men coming into a room of people and quickly scanning it , and me , to see where the advantage is . They 're hunting for the people where this time will benefit them , who 's worth talking to and who should they cast no more than a quick glance downward at on passing by to bigger and better ? Where did the American culture go that I was taught about into which everyone was " melting " when I was in elementary school ? We were proud of our culture back then . The rest of the world wanted a piece of the action . But somewhere along the line the people coming here , and the people living here , began to figure out that something vital was missing in the midst of plenty . People time is missing and the American culture is rarely about spending time with people long enough for it to go more than skin deep , more than a handshake and a contract , or grabbing a receipt on the way to the next sale . A woman I knew lived in Spain for years , she married a Spanish man and had children and then she and her family moved back to the US . She told me that she was less happy here because in Spain people were so intrinsically social . Shoe missed the fact that in Spain one never needed an invitation to come and visit , you just showed up and you stayed for hours and you talked and talked and talked . My Dad told me that it was like that when he was a kid in Canada . My friend told me that even though she grew up in the US , she was amazed at her loneliness when she returned because everyone in her neighborhood simply stayed in their houses and nobody dropped in and if they did it was always planned for and always a brief interlude on the way somewhere more important . I heard that she and her family eventually moved back to Spain , I wondered if it was the dreary loneliness of living without a functioning culture that drove them back . Share this : GoogleEmailFacebookTwitterTumblrReddit Posted on July 28 , 2009On Odd Vagaries of Human Behavior A story caught my ear today on the news . It was about a group of young students who travelled from Oregon to China for a vacation study trip . It seems that some of the students carried the H1N1 virus - swine flu - and the entire group was quarantined two separate times during their stay in China . I wonder what I am missing in the debate , I am wondering what the debate is all about and why some people would choose to side with inertia . Would these people likewise choose not to take the vaccine for the flu ? Will anyone mount a bike as quickly as they 'd don a mask ? Share this : GoogleEmailFacebookTwitterTumblrReddit Posted on July 27 , 2009Greener Than Thou In walking around the neighborhood , I don 't see much evidence that anyone is particularly concerned about global warming , drought conditions , or living green . I see the same lawns being sprinkled by the same sprinklers in the middle of the day . I see the same wires running all over the place feeding electricity to air conditioners ; no rooftop solar panels are evident . I see the same large trucks and cars , nobody out walking , few people riding bikes . I was even told recently by a woman in the neighborhood , " You Rock ! " because I was walking back from Safeway with my groceries in plastic bags . She was impressed with my walking green - ness you see . I don 't see a lot of solar water heaters on roofs around here either . Now granted , the fashion - conscious may be putting them in the back where nobody can see them . Next time I 'm on a plane leaving Sacramento I am going to look carefully to see what they 're hiding . I suspect that we 're not doing that great . Now , if we 're all really convinced that global warming is happening and if it 's truly a threat to our lives as a race , then why aren 't we all doing more ? I don 't see piles of people on the electric train , in fact the local RT district is voting today on cutting the schedule down . If more people were using it , wouldn 't it pay for itself ? I see few people on those trains when they pass in front of me on my bike . I don 't see any gas stations closing for lack of business even though I see more hybrids around . You have to watch out for those vehicles riding a bike because they 're so damned quiet . They sneak up on you - even a bike can 't do that because it clicks . I think hybrids should be required to make a sound when they are in electric - mode , they need to click , hiss , or emit some unique noise that lets us walkers and peddlers know they 're lurking . If we 're so green then why aren 't the gas stations offering free sets of dishes like they did during the gas wars when I was a kid in the 60 's ? Why aren 't they hiring people to pump our gas , you know , stepping up the customer service to get more business ? It simply ain 't happening because we 're still sucking it down faster than a Rotarian drinks martinis at an open bar . I 'll tell you why , because most of you simply aren 't green . You like the idea and maybe you 'll even wear a t - shirt that extols recycled knick - knacks but you aren 't thinking green . Let 's face it , there seems to be no face of leadership to the whole thing , no Carl Sagan who everyone knows and trusts , hell there 's not even a colored ribbon or rubber wrist band to wear yet ! All we 've got is Rush Limbaugh on one side who 's anti - warming and Al Gore on the other side who is pro - warming . But there isn 't anyone in the middle just talking sense that everyone understands . Where is our ongoing dialogue and where is the " Cosmos " - style TV series with a recognized expert we all know and trust ? Where is the Walter Cronkite of Global warming ? Because the experts aren 't in agreement on global warming everyone has an excuse in either the front or in the back of their mind for not doing more . If this is really the emergency Al Gore and others claim , then why isn 't there more drastic action being taken at the micro level , like by my neighbors ? Everyone would do more if they believed it . I ride my bike where I need to go on those three days . I am GREE _ EEN , I 'm an emerald in the rough . Now I need a solar electrical system and I 'll be so snooty that nobody will be able to stand my green - ness . I am proud to say that I sort my garbage . I put the paper and cardboard in one bin , the glass in another bin , and the metal in another bin . ( I suspect that all these bins are tossed together into the dump but that 's not my responsibility now is it ? ) That 's me , gree - een . I am awaiting my medal of green - ness from Al Gore but he hasn 't been in touch yet . I 'd settle for a green schmuck of the year award from Rush but he 's too busy refilling his BIG GULP and gassing up his Hummer , and I 'm not talking about fuel . I 'm not sure either of them are paying attention at all to my efforts so I may need to pen letters on some recycled elephant poop paper that my friend in Africa sent to me . Yes , even my letter - writing is gree - een , greener than thou . I am free - wheeling now and while the ride is stiffer . I feel the bumps more but I can glide like a greased pig on ice . SWOOOOOSH . I looked at rear view mirrors while at the shoppe to see what they would cost me . A little pricey actually so I left it for now until the stimulus package starts to increase the income of us average people and not just the bankers . I might need to continue looking over my shoulder for a while I think . Next off to Pete 's Coffee for tea which sounds odd but they do serve both . I had a nice large green ice tea . At first it tasted like sticks swirled in water but the tattooed girl there assured me it was very healthy so I drank it all and after half of it was gone the ice had melted enough to dilute its bitter taste , or maybe my taste buds were more usd to the flavor . Of course the bitterness could have come from the newspaper I read as I drank it . Next I walked my bike over to " The Gifted Gardener " a really nice shoppe in Midtown that sells gift items for the gardener . Interesting shop with lots of good stuff . I wanted to see if I could market some bulb baskets there - you know , the kind that serious gardeners plant bulbs in to keep gophers and moles from eating them . I have a connection for free galvanized lathe and thought I could get into the basket business . The woman there was nice , but said they don 't sell practical items like bulb baskets so they wouldn 't be interested . Strike one . Later in the day after more riding and some power - walking and a quick walk through an art exhibit which was really interesting at the Verge Gallery , I ended up at Rubicon Pub drinking the best IPA in Sacramento . I read the Sacramento News and Review which had a great article about a drunk driving tragedy in which some promising kids were killed after a day of rafting on the river . It was an interesting take on the incident which has been intensely covered by the local media in lynch mob style . The kid who drove received nearly 7 years in prison because two kids died and two others were injured . The kid who wrote the article was one who was injured . He wrote it from a perspective of forgiveness , not something that was heard in as the media helped lynch the kid who was driving . I think it will fall on deaf ears . Everyone wanted to demonize and hang the kid who drove but all the kids were drinking that day and the driver tested to a . 09 level which while legally drunk in California isn 't staggering drunk , which is why all the kids in the car agreed to allow to him to drive in the first place . It 's a tragedy multiplied a thousand - fold by lack of forgiveness . It 's a tragedy compounded by anger . It 's a tragedy in which the terrible sadness of the families led to more destruction than was necessary according to the young man who wrote the article . He lamented the fact that instead of coming together and becoming closer , the families were torn apart by the tragedy . No doubt the kid should not have gotten behind the wheel , no doubt the families suffered beyond measure . But how sad that love didn 't prevail for all the survivors . How much better would everyone 's lives be if they had been able to come together and heal as the group he described that existed before the accident . And this was the young man 's point in writing the article , it was an accident . What happened was not murder . In the end , lives were lost and other lives were wrecked and I sincerely doubt that anyone gained anything from the vengeance . Does a person 's anger lessen when someone who did harm to them is harmed ? I think that probably they feel emptiness and they sit quietly at their kitchen table each morning over coffee wondering what happened to the fulfillment they were expecting to feel . Share this : GoogleEmailFacebookTwitterTumblrReddit Posted on July 23 , 2009Stupid Is As Stupid Does Now what about Obama 's comment about the way the police acted in Cambridge with that Harvard Professor ? Well I am of two minds about this and it 's partly out of my experience and partly out of my prejudices . First I must say that his comment about minorities being pulled over is probably true and unjust and backed up by the facts . But it 's also true - and he as a lawyer should have understood this - that this Professor was not pulled over , he was in a house that someone reported seeing a burglar breaking into , that 's a horse of a different color entirely . To say that the cops over - reacted to the situation is self - evident ; after all , if they didn 't , why were the charges immediately dropped against the Professor ? So I would say that in this situation , the people paid to keep their cool lost it . Their bad , but was it stupid ? Maybe so , but surprising ? Probably not . I have been in a heated race - driven situation a time or two myself as a white Principal of a school where the majority of the school children were African American . I know that pulling out the race card comes fast and it comes with heat . No doubt that a cop in this situation is going to feel indignant at being accused of being racially biased . Perhaps this policeman doesn 't have a racist bone in his body . Perhaps he 's a paragon of racial virtue like the newspapers and his own Department asserts . But how much experience does this guy really have in dealing with heated racial incidents and strife ? I heard that he tried to revive a black basketball player who suffered a heart attack but this hardly rates with negotiating with the Office of Civil Rights now does it ? Well , let 's look at the demographics of Cambridge , MA . The most recent census showed that only 12 % of the residents are African American and 65 % of residents are White . This tells me that Cambridge isn 't Philly or Chicago or LA where these officers would experience a much higher level of racial pressure than in Cambridge . This is not exactly a training ground for the kind of racial anger that it sounds like this officer encountered with the good Professor . I found when I moved to the inner city to work that I held prejudices that simply didn 't matter until they were challenged by real people and real problems . I was indignant when I was called a racist for disciplining a child , because I didn 't feel like a racist . But I did have to come to terms with my own racial attitudes and bias because in the face of real people , they simply couldn 't hold up . But my attitudes got challenged both internally and externally . I bet that this police officer reverted into the " I got the badge , so shut the hell up " mentality that I 've observed in law enforcement at times . The officer 's job is to keep things cool to keep themselves and others safe and my guess is that this Professor blew his cork at being challenged in his own home . So the Officer sensed danger and the need to control the situation , hence the over - reaction . Was the Professor right to blow a cork ? Well maybe , or perhaps his racial attitudes rose white hot and blinded him to the job that these officers were trying to do which was actually safeguarding his property . Perhaps this Black Professor lost his perspective the same way that the Officer did who puffed up his indignant chest in that " you don 't screw with the cops " manner . It sounds like perhaps they both acted a little stupidly . Cops are going to act like cops , they were called to a burglary after all . African American Professors who teach in a Department about African American culture and who are challenged about being in their own house by white cops are going to react badly to what they perceive as unfair treatment by authority . Perhaps they both needed to count to ten and then sit down to tea and talk it over . Perhaps the Professor needs to get the big picture on an officer 's job and why they asked him for his ID in a house where a reported burglar was sighted and where a door was busted open . I mean come on people , can 't we stop for a second and think this through ? It didn 't have to be more than a story for old men to chuckle over during a game of checkers . In my opinion , the stupidity on display did not have to rise to the level of a Martin Luther King rally or to an arrest of a man who was pissed off about being asked for his ID . Share this : GoogleEmailFacebookTwitterTumblrReddit Posted on July 19 , 2009A Great Sermon A remarkable preacher visited us in Church today , he has come before . His ability to communicate is impressive and I have greatly enjoyed his familiar / evangelistic style from the pulpit . His name is Chris Brown and he 's a pastor at the North Coast Church in Southern California . But if he could only tell stories and spin visual images of the Bible he would not be the effective Pastor he is . He looks deeper into the Bible and delivers the message in a meaningful way . Chris Brown is quite a remarkable preacher . Pastor Brown explained how Jonah got into the whale and why . He explained how God had directed Jonah - a renowned prophet - to go to the Assyrians and denounce them in the name of God . Jonah knew that the Assyrians were vile , vicious people who were unlikely to well receive such a message . So Jonah , fearing for his life , prepared to go 2000 miles to the west instead of the 500 miles east as Goad had directed him . Jonah was in full retreat from God 's command . As the story goes , the ship is tossed by a violent storm . The sailors are fearful and cast lots to decide who among them was responsible for the storm , the person who God was angry at . When the lots indicated Jonah , he admitted that he was fleeing from God and that they should cast him overboard to save themselves and their ship . After a time , they did indeed throw Jonah overboard and immediately the storm ceased . Jonah was swallowed by a whale as we all know . Pastor Chris explained to us that as we flee from God - as we disobey - we endanger everyone in our boat . He also explained that it is difficult to call out to a God you 're running from . He also explained that the storms in our life may or may not be brought upon us by God but that the possibility is real and that a father would go to any length to bring us back to Him , even inflicting hardship . One final note from the sermon today was that not all open doors are presented by God . Jonah probably thought that finding a ship going to Tarshish was great luck , that a door had opened for him to escape from doing God 's will . After all this was not a plumb assignment , Pastor Brown likened God 's command to Jonah as similar to someone being told they were to march into Berlin in 1932 and publicly denounce the Nazi regime . Share this : GoogleEmailFacebookTwitterTumblrReddit Posted on July 13 , 2009Arizona Gun Law , A New Spaghetti Western · Arizona is going to allow people to carried concealed weapons into its bars . Hmmm … I 've seen enough cowboy films to know this is a bad idea . Perhaps the legislature and governor in Arizona need to be given a collection of Clint Eastwood movies . · Mexico is blaming the US for the guns being used to kill people in their drug war / government culture of corruption . We get blamed for everything ! The Mexican government spent so many years keeping the flow of people moving across their border I guess they thought nothing would ever come back in through the same gateways ? Morons . · It makes me wonder about our own threadbare moral culture in this country . We are constantly amazed at the seemingly unending array of politician sex scandals . Regular breaches of marriage vows and cultural mores by people who stand at the podium braying about family values . But I wonder what the next generation will bring to public office ? Will it be more corrupt and will the scandals grow in severity beyond an out - of - wedlock tryst ? A wide stance in a bathroom , a quickie in Venezuela ? I think we 're seeing the opening of the floodgates . The moths are eating at our cultural fabric while we sleep and we better watch out or the war in Mexico could land here one day too . · Small examples like these freaks who killed the mother and father of all those children , in their house , coming in like commandos . How bizarre is that ? Or is it more like foreshadowing ? · Home invasion robberies are becoming regular occurrences here in California . Last night two people were shot during one not far from where I live . Bizarre and frightening things are happening . · So maybe the new law in Arizona is going to lead Arizonans down the path to safety ? I doubt it . Perhaps it will lead them down the road leading back to the Wild West where criminals were also worried about people with guns . Share this : GoogleEmailFacebookTwitterTumblrReddit Posted on July 12 , 2009More Fully Conscious It is an amazing truth that once I am made aware of something , I tend to encounter it unexpectedly . A simple example is learning a new word . It seems that often when I 've expanded my vocabulary that throughout the next week or two I see the word or I hear it in conversation . At these times , I often wonder what I 've done without this knowledge prior to learning this word ? What on earth did my brain do with it before I was aware of its ' meaning ? Did the word simply blend into the text or the conversation ? Did I make an unconscious guess at its meaning based on the context ? Or was the word simply transparent in my consciousness because it wasn 't recognized ? In light of this example of vocabulary , I wonder at times how much am I missing in the world around me because I do not recognize what I am seeing or hearing . I have to ask myself how conscious am I ? I 've always assumed that I am fully conscious from the time I wake up , at least when I am paying attention . But vocabulary is only a razor thin piece of my consciousness so what about shapes and processes and machines and people ' body language , a whole world of things I haven 't learned yet and perhaps therefore do not even see . I was reminded again at church today about being conscious of God and therefore recognizing His efforts to speak to me . I never used to " hear " God the way I do these days . And no I 'm not delusional and hearing voices so put down those butterfly nets . But I can name several occasions when I have been in need of hearing a message about something specific and voila , there is the precise message I needed in a sermon . I am reminded of an old saying , " When the student is ready , the teacher will come " . Today 's example of God giving me a message was dead on target for my mood over the past while . It was about being stuck . The kind of stuck the Pastor talked about was that of looking backward instead of dreaming forward . The message was structured using the Book of Haggai in the Old Testament . The Jews were to rebuild the Temple of Solomon in Jerusalem but they were discouraged in doing so by their memories of the glory of the previous temple . Looking back with regrets caused them to stop building the new temple . If I look back on my life , I can appreciate a lot of good things , strong relationships , career successes , and so forth . But lingering there is a waste of time and it makes me discouraged about my present . I heard today that I need to look forward , accept forgiveness , reject guilt over mistakes and appreciate today , and most of all act positively on my dreams for tomorrow . I 've been thinking about this time of life when the natural course of things is to experience loss . I think that perhaps the only significant difference in each person 's death is that some had a strong faith in God , and in the hereafter , and some did not . My experience with death thus far is that those with a strong faith are much more at peace with dying than those who have no faith . If granted the time before death , even the faithful grieve the leaving , but those with faith are able to dwell within certain serenity about death that those without faith tend to lack . My dear Uncle , lying in a hospital bed , shared with me his need for faith after learning of his cancer diagnosis . He was desperate to grasp on to faith , and he did . My uncle was a strong man , a good , moral man , a family man , but staring death in the face brought him to his knees . But then he tapped into the faith he had but had not always leaned on so much . His faith enabled him to stand up straight and tall again and in the end he helped everyone else through the process of his own departure . Much more so than we helped him . My uncle fed his faith through prayer and reading of the word , through music and solitary time . He did this throughout the process of his death and it was apparent that he felt the peace of God that only faith can provide at the end of his life . His faith gave strength to the rest of us . Extremes of life help us to realize that forces are in play rendering us all but insignificant . Whether or not we seek to strengthen our faith in these times is the key . As the Bible says , even a mustard seed can move a mountain and so it is with the faith that blooms within a person facing eternity . I 've found that people who are dying become introspective , reviewing their lives for the gaps , the omissions , the sins , the lost loves and the transgressions that they fear to leave behind them un - mended when they 've breathed out their last . Faith enables us to understand that something greater than ourselves oversees all , not necessarily controlling all but nonetheless using each opportunity to help us grow and change and improve . If only we will humble ourselves to reach out to God . I can see in the deaths of my family members with faith that God is present and caring and loving and good . He will wrap His arms around anyone who reaches out to him and He strengthens us in those most difficult times ; if we only ask Him to do so . We all know that dying is inevitable , but only people with faith accept that the dying is a passage to greater realms of being and consciousness . Only the faithful can pass with the peace of God to ease their journey . Perhaps the greatest gift we can give the dying , and the living around them , is to uphold their faith . Faith soothes the dying and charges knowledge of their forgiveness . Faith allows each of us to enter death with limitless hope . Perhaps the greatest desire of the dying is to be forgiven for the hurts they 've left on those they 've loved . They want to know that in spite of their transgressions that they are still loved . The dying want to bask in the golden light of certainty that their sins were never greater than their souls , nor were their sins more important to God than were their requests for forgiveness . To die in peace is to embrace the truth of God 's grace : to die without such peace must surely be hell .

There are times that I just want to stomp my foot and say " I just want to be a grown - up . " Grown ups are suppose to have left all their irrational fears in childhood . Grown ups are suppose to make decisions and go forward . Grown ups are suppose to always know what to do . Grown ups are suppose to be laid back and having fun , its the kids that do the work doncha know . At what age do we say we are grown ? I suspect when our wonder of life is fading and we feel we have at the very least adequately satisfied our thirst for knowledge . Does that really ever happen ? Im not sure . I have alot of issues with anxiety . I just want to feel confident and sure about my decisions like I see others appear to be . I think that is the key word , appear . I want to stop feeling like at any minute some authority figure is going to lecture me on the things I am doing wrong . Sometimes its a parental figure other times its some kind of law enforcement . I have gotten pretty good at hiding them and just not voicing my fears . Some of that actually came from voicing them and getting told I was being ridiculous . Well yes , they are thats the whole irrational fear part of OCD . Its not like I don 't know I am way over thinking things . I found if I just let them bounce around in my head then people didn 't look at me like I was crazy . They wouldn 't be able to blow off my fears with a shrug if I never said them . I have gotten good at hiding behind my sarcasm as well . Normally when I go over the line with my sarcasm it is typically because its hit on a big anxiety issue . When I was growing up it wasn 't called anxiety . We are a family of " worriers " I was told . When does worry move over to anxiety . For me ? Always . It took years on medication and in therapy to get to the point I am today . Sometimes I can overcome my anxiety and talk with others and try and develop friendships . There are other times though that I just can 't seem to start a conversation with others . Then when I am safe back in my car I start thinking why couldn 't I just relax and talk with them . Once I get to know you though , you can 't shut me up . Well I guess you could try . This is the one area I can safely say having a kid has been both helpful and dreadful at the same time . Its been helpful as I have enjoyed talking about parenting and kids in general with other parents . Its been dreadful because it also puts me in social situations that I would typically avoid . Playdates can be especially hard for me in this area . Its also been dreadful for anxiety wise because as a parent you are always wondering if you are doing the right thing . Its not like parenting has a manuel or anything . There is also so many varying opinions about every aspect . When my ocd was bad I had no ability to discern my decisions at all . I still get that way just not as much nor as severe . By the time I actually reached the point that I could admit I needed therapy it was bad . Then just as I was starting to feel like I was getting somewhere I started getting sick . I can 't tell you how many times I stayed up late researching my symptoms . I struggled to figure out what was going on . . It was only made worse by most of my issues being invisible illnesses . Not only did I have to deal with doctors who either didn 't accept Fibromyalgia or were convinced it was just my anxiety . I was lucky that my primary care doctor had known me for so long . She knew I knew my body well . I would go in with lists and ideas and even some idea of a diagnosis . These were rarely less than two pages long . I think the biggest thing I hate about anxiety is it leaves me feeling like I am still a kid . I am not saying I am old here . I mean in the you are still under the rule of someone else and having to abide by their rules type kid . I just want to feel like a grown - up . Then the question is what does being a grown - up feel like ? It must not be like not knowing what it feels like to be pregnant . I had always wondered that and it all clicked into place once it happened to me . Maybe that is why I keep wondering this grown - up thing . Oh look there is that circular argument starting up again . Anxiety eats away at you little bit by little bit . Just when you think you got one area snipped off and safe , it attacks another area . Once you get the paranoia under control it starts eating at your self esteem and on and on it goes . It can not only spiral on like this but it can also spiral very quickly . Lets also not forget about how anxiety can just leave you unable to do anything . I often refer to it as procrastination but its not really that either . Its a form of denial in a way . It really can 't be defined except that I am so worried about something I just keep putting it off . Only addressing it when it can no longer be ignored . I hate this part too . I want to deal with it but I just can 't . Nor can I verbalize WHY I can 't . There is also the things I do to burn off some of the anxiety without actually dealing with it . The checking things , the writing lists , the cleaning , and probably my most hated , biting my nails . Sometimes I notice right away , other times it kinda smacks me between the eyes . Once I recognize it though I usually deal with it . I also don 't really like to psycho - analyze myself very much . I have seen what happens when you don 't do it at all , so alot of the times I force myself to do it . There is a funny thing that happens … . . the more I don 't want to do it , the better I feel once I have done it . It wipes away the anxiety . It can and has restored my self esteem . It is a good thing to do . Its a healthy thing to do . Its something I know I HAVE to do to maintain my mental health . Remember before we had kids and we had it all figured out . We were going to be a certain kind of parent . We were never going to do the things we hated about childhood to our kids . We were never ever going to say some of the things our parents said to us . We had it all figured out . Then we brought home that little bundle of … . joy , and reality slapped us upside the head . I also remember people told me that the first year was the hardest . I have news for them . THEY LIED . Sure the first year was hard . Sure I hated being patient while my daughter " explored " her food . Sure going without sleep was hard . Its much harder to answer the million questions that occur to a two year old . Its much harder to keep up with the destruction of a three year old . Its harder to keep a four year old in clothes that fit . Each year it just gets a different kind of hard . I think the biggest thing I have learned about parenting after getting sick is not to judge other parents . I may not agree with their choices . I don 't know the reasons behind their decisions and really its not my place to ask . It doesn 't mean you have to agree with their decision . As parents we beat ourselves up enough , we don 't need another parent adding to that . There are things I swore I would never do and Chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia say hahahahahaha nice try . I have found some things that I said I would not do but have done , have made my daughter stronger . Chronic pain has given me some blessings this way . Things that I thought would be good for my daughter I now see were just sheltering her and would eventually harm her . Well maybe not harm her but very much make her struggle . Its hard to look at chronic pain and struggle as a blessing . For me in alot of ways it has been . I have found myself reflecting more about everything I do . Even more than someone with anxiety and OCD normally would . I have to decide what I can do and what I can 't do almost daily and reconcile that with what my brain wants to get done . Parenting comes first . The other day my daughter wanted me to walk to pick her up from school so she could skate back . When it came time to go . I was really reluctant to follow through . There are times that I have to disappoint her and this just wasn 't the time . Besides exersize is good for me . Yes we took forever coming home but really there was no rush . Because I am not working I have more time to do little things like this with her daily . I know when I was working there was no way I would have been able to do this . Not just physically but also time wise , I just didn 't have it . I never thought I would get used to the slower life of staying home . Yeah , I didn 't even get that all typed out before I was laughing . The days sometimes do drag , but mostly they fly by still . I remember thinking previously how great stay at home mom 's have it All that time ! All that sleep they must get . Remember that thing about reality ? It slapped me another good one there . I thought staying home would give me more time to rest … . so about that ? What it has given me is more quality time with my family and really thats what matters . I have also found that there is a desperate need for parents with chronic pain or illness or both to be able to talk with other parents about similar issues . I enjoy talking with other parents about parenting in general . What really leaves me satisfied sometimes though is knowing that there are others out there going through the same thing . Having simlar worries . Similar concerns . What we also sometimes forget is that our spouse or significant other has their own frustrations . Its not easy for them either . Its hard to not let ourselves get pulled into the should have done 's . I should have gone outside with her . I should have taken her here . I should have had dinner ready . I should have gotten housework done . We spend so much time doing this . When we should be giving ourselves some credit for what we do accomplish . On one of the support groups I am in , I started something called the daily to do list . Sometimes it was impossibly long and I just let my brain think we were going to get it all done . Sometimes the most I had accomplished was I got out of bed . After awhile it seemed like no one was really paying attention . I stopped . Then I found out how much it had helped others . Sometimes I wrote theses lists and never looked at them all day . Sometimes those lists were the only thing that kept me on track . For me it was a good reminder because I always had on my list drop off the kid pick up the kid to pace myself so I had enough left at the end of the day to spend with her . When I am honest with myself chronic pain has also made my daughter a more sufficient person . Something that I am not sure I could have taught her . Sometimes the best way to learn that is to live it . I used to feel bad that she made herself breakfast at five . When in reality it was teaching her so many practical living skills that she would need . I still find myself judging people , even other parents . Then I take a step back … okay well maybe not right away , but it does happen . I don 't know what they are going through . I don 't know what issues they are fighting . Deep down every parent is deeply afraid they are going to mess up their child . I have really gone all over the place with this but its easier to not be as judging when you remember that previous sentence . So I knew it was coming . I pretty much planned it . I knew I was doing too much but my desire to BE was so overpowering . Sometimes this is the trade off I make . Its hard to pace yourself with a family . There is always something that needs to be done . Sometimes there is also something that needs to be enjoyed . I knew going to the airshow was going to over exert myself . I knew it but I didn 't care . I stood in the line with my daughter to go into the cargo and cockpit area of a C - 130 . Some of my best memories were just little snatches , standing in line , talking with my dad why he did dishes . I try not to overlook them . I hope she will remember the wonder of it . I hope she didn 't notice how hot and sweaty and tired I was . I hope she didn 't notice me shifting weight from foot to foot . For me the look of wonder when she saw the cockpit was enough . There was alot of walking . I am good with walking . I was also good with sitting . I tried to balance sitting and standing . Letting my husband take her around to see things as well . While I sat and tried to relax . Not so easy with planes taking off all around you . So when it came to the next day . I got up , I functioned , I got her to school . I then allowed myself to go back to bed . It seems like a trivial thing . I remember thinking oh I would love to be able to go back to bed . I guess allowed is not the best word . I made myself go back to bed . I didn 't allow myself to do dishes or clean the cat boxes or put that load of towels in the wash . I made my room dark and cool and allowed my body to just rest . Sleep was not the goal . . Sometimes for people with chronic illness sleep is not the answer . Rest was the goal . Rest was what my body so desperately needed . Three hours later I got up much better than when I got up to get her to school . I picked up her uniform shirts , ran by the post office , the pet store and came home . Then I rested again . Those simple tasks depleted any energy I might have had . A total of forty five minutes in the day had passed . Its hard on days like this not to fall into a miserable pile of depression . I know I walk that line daily but on days like this the edge seems especially slippery . It takes alot for me to remember that if I was my old self I would not have noticed the woodpecker nest or the momma crushing up the food . It would simply not have been noticed in my hurry to get to the next thing . I knew I had to do it . I knew its what my body needed . A friend of mine is always telling me moving will make it feel better . My response is … . . but it hurts ! Its hard to push past that on days like this . This is why I love having a dog who is on a mission on every walk we take . I dont have a choice . He pulls me past the hurt and into where its okay . Deep breath enjoy the breeze . Enjoy the ability to walk to the school and pick my daughter up . Enjoy the tenacity that she shows trying to master the art of skating . Enjoy the comment from the peanut gallery that we look like we are getting married when we hold hands . Just enjoy . Don 't focus on the pain , don 't think about the hip , don 't acknowledge the ache . Once I acknowledge one thing they all start clamoring for attention . Sometimes even with all my sarcasm and dry humor , depression gets a hand hold in . Its much easier for it to get in when my body is screaming at me . It is so easy for me to just give into it . To just say yup I am worthless and a pile of trouble , to just loose interest in everything and ignore everyone . To not allow my distractions of reading or watching Dr . Who to pull me out of those depths . Its so easy for me to get caught up in the everyday struggle of just functioning to ignore the warning signs . When my dreams start taking on a realistic edge , when I can 't meditate no matter how hard I try , when reading doesn 't interest me and I move from one thing to the next desperately hoping it will help . These are all red flags for me . I know my mental state is okay when my dreams are scifi and very unrealistic . I have always been accused of living in a fantasy world , its okay they all know me there . It took me years of battling depression to find that the best defense against depression is to know yourself . To not be afraid to look at those feelings and explore why you have them . To not just accept them as true . To not remain in denial about something but to look at it head on . It took years of therapy for me to get to that point . I can 't say that I don 't squirm when I see the therapist . I do . I absolutely hate going each month . I know I have to though . I don 't want to be back to weekly visits . So I try to remember this is a narrow edge I walk and to just be aware of it . To just accept it as part of who I am . There is such a bad image about mental health that sometimes we bury ourselves deeper in an effort to be normal . When in reality all this does is make the problem worse . When you add into this chronic illness and chronic pain it can be a disaster waiting to happen . Once I started looking at my depression as just an aspect of health and not an illness , I started making progress . It doesn 't have to mean your mentally ill , this is just what you have to do to be mentally healthy . I always related to grumpy bear from the care bears . Some people are just happy being grumpy . It always made sense to me . I am not a happy cheery peppy person . Once I accepted that and found ways to balance between extreme doom and gloom and extreme sunshine and happiness and flowers . I found myself . I wish I could say I don 't loose myself . I wish I could say once I found myself I was on to different problems . I can 't say that . Its a continual process . One that during really bad days I find very very very frustrating . Its hard for me to say … . Its Okay … Its okay to be frustrated . Its okay for it to be a process . Its all just okay . It is what it is . This was asked by my primary care physician after the first eighteen months of parenthood . It was not the reason for my visit but she said you look different is everything okay . I said sure you know just new parent stuff . She says … eighteen months later is not new parent stuff . Tell me more . Are you in pain daily ? What is going on ? Now let me say I had this doctor for several years prior to even getting pregnant . In fact she is the one who referred me to infertility specialist and told me not to give up . Pretty safe to say she knew me pretty well . My answer was no . not really . I mean . . what kind of pain are we talking about ? I am not in the same pain I was in labor . That I can 't get comfortable no matter what I do everything just hurts pain . I wasn 't in the pain after delivery when they had to massage my uterus ( read hot stabby knife pain ) . Nope not having any of that . She said well lets start with sleep , whats your sleep pattern like ? Um , I wake up pretty much every hour and half . Not because the baby is awake I just wake up I don 't know why . So she says muscle wise how are you feeling ? oh they ache and pull easily . Energy ? zilch . Thus began my journey . This was the first time I had thought maybe there was something else going on . My therapist had been the one to suggest I go in for an actual physical and not just a routine check up . It was a really good idea . I saw a rhuematologist and eventuallly several pain management doctors and even a gastroenteroligist . All helping me define the different areas of pain . The joint pain and the bone pain , the actual makes me clinch my jaw because it hurts pain and the grumpy gut pain of IBS . It was all new territory to me . I spent hours reading medical articles . I started journalling my pain issues and my rhuematologist whom I love suggested some alternative methods . I advocate that people explore these . I found for the most part they are great for temporary relief . However the chronic fatigue that I find myself in from functioning with high levels of pain makes them very tiring . Chiropractic adjustment , accupuncture , Herbal supplements all helped me , for a bit . I found I no longer enjoyed going to them as it was just one more thing in my daily routine to function through . I tried massage and again that worked well . The problem with massage is finding the right therapist . Not only one whom you like but who understands your conditions . Unfortunately the one I went to that I absolutely adored retired . She would never let me tell her what hurt . She told me my body would tell me and she would go from there . I can say it never once failed her . Not only that she knew with in minutes if something wasn 't working and would switch . I began to look forward to my twenty minutes on friday . It took some trial and error but I could only stand about twenty minutes before it was too much . More trial and error stuff . She remarked one time about three months into seeing her that she knew I had the truest form of fibromyalgia because where my muscles needed attention varied every single time she worked on me . She was also the one to teach me the value of meditation . Even while doiing things like taking a shower or even doing the dishes . We would do the two together sometimes and man after that I felt like I could take on the world . There are so many types of pain . There is the dull achey muscle pain . Sensitive to the touch skin pain , Nerve pain , of white hot daggers moving through you , areas of numbness , tingly , and a bad sunburn feeling . A pulled muscle feeling of pain , stiff joints that don 't want to move at all pain . The wibbly wobbly jelly not feeling steady on your feet pain . None of these are easy to describe to someone else let alone a doctor . This is where I would spend hours researching what the pain is called in the medical field and how to accurately describe it to a doctor . I really wasn 't a pop a pill and move on kind of person . I tried all kinds of variations of the above stuff . It took me two years to reach the point that i started asking for medications . It took another two years before I asked for some pain medication of some kind . I remember going to that same primary care doctor and I remember her saying this isn 't working . I said I just need something to let me not feel for a bit . I can 't say the choices in medications was the greatest . It was however my choice and the ones I asked for and we discussed why i wanted that particular medication . It did give me about a month of just not feeling . I was able to function and felt better . Then it stopped working like that and it did give my asthma a break and my joints a cushion so we continued . We continued for alot longer than we had anticipated and this is the first time my allergies have been able to flare my asthma in a long long time . So when people ask how my pain is , I have gotten pretty adept at lumping it . I try not to analyze any one area too much and give it attention . Once I give it attention its harder to just push on . I don 't often think about what particularly is bothering me that day . If I give it attention it whines . It starts saying hey hey hey you I am here . We just learn to push past that and focus on what needs to be done . Get up , get dressed , take meds , pack lunchbox for kid , get kid to school . I have gotten pretty good at focusing on the RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE aspect of life . I spend alot of time thinking the details of the day . Okay I am leaving to take kid to school , lunchbox , check , car keys , check , purse , check , homework , check . am I coming right back or will I be home in time for meds . If not then I need to toss meds in my purse so i can take them . I also find myself paying more attention to planned ahead events . For instance we are going to an air show . I should have rested the afternoon at least and been very low key . Unfortunately I was not able to do that . Thus I know by Monday , I will be starting to flare . So I have to look at the rest of the week and see if I need to cancel anything and when I can schedule time to just be mellow . To sit outside reading while the kid plays with the dogs . Now when people ask my if I am in pain Its more like , yes but today is a good day . Sometimes it is Yes and today is a really bad day . Short and sweet because the truth is , very few people want to hear it all . Then that brings on a whole other set of problems . I don 't want the attention . . Sometimes its better to just avoid the subject with me . I am here I am functioning I am surviving . Lets not talk about it and just push on . Just let me keep my illusion of functioning . If not for me then for my daughter . Most of the time that is when I am pushing myself the most anyway . I don 't want her to feel like she is missing out on stuff because her mommy is sick . If she does miss out on stuff it should be because she lost the privileged either through poor choices for behavior or grade issues . Let her be like any other kid in this aspect . This is the mom image I want her to have . Even though here she is just a few weeks old and I still had weight to loose but my level of pain was still fairly within normal for a new parent . I want her to look back and see a mom who was involved . Who was always there for her , doing things with her . Being there for her , not stuck in bed . Some days when the pain is bad it kills me that she can see it . Filed under Uncategorized and tagged chronic illness , Chronic PaiMar22 I have heard so many things since I decided to file for SSDI … . . Social Security Disability Insurance . I have heard … . no way ! I don 't see why you can 't work ? , So you are just giving up ? , Isn 't that for old people ? Why ? Whats wrong with you ? , Lots of people work with illnesses . First of all , It was a very hard decision for me . I fought it probably far longer than I should have . I had already struggled with the feeling that I was giving up . Thank you so much for verbalizing my fears . They were not bad enough inside my head , I really needed someone else to say it to me . Because that is exactly how it felt daily when I was working . An eternal struggle of my brain saying don 't give in and my body saying . . I quit ! I fought that feeling daily . It was hard to say okay I hear you . We can 't keep doing this . To decide that maybe there was a reason I felt worse and worse each day , each month , each year . It was alot of soul searching and saying not only is doing this to myself not fair to me , but its not fair to my daughter . Its not fair that her mom is too tired to play with her or listen to her stories after school . It was time to set aside my desire to remain productive and successful at something and focus on this wonderful little person I was lucky enough to call my daughter . This was the highest calling anyone could reach , being a parent . So those people who were shocked or who couldn 't see why I had to do this . They not only don 't matter , they missed out . They missed out seeing a more relaxed mommy interacting with this wonderful child . They missed seeing this child flourish on a mommy who although isn 't out of pain , is able to be more . As if the comments above weren 't bad enough , I also found the ones who said " Good for you ! " . Now I know they mean well and I know they think they are being supportive . But I still have some guilt about even filing . I feel like I am taking advantage of the system . Its hard for me to let go and just do what my body needs . Its hard for me to accept that there are programs to help . I feel like I should be doing it myself . I feel like I just gave up and people are congratulating me for it . I don 't really know what the right response is . I still have a long ways to go before I am at acceptance of this . There are days that I feel good and I think … . I totally could work a full day . Later that day reality sets in and I am out of steam by four pm . Dinner and homework and bedtime now seem like huge tasks . There are those days that I feel crappy and am glad I don 't have a full time job other than being a parent . I am trying to use those good days more and more to be as fully involved with my daughter as I can . People see my complaining as just that complaining . What they don 't see is once I have verbalized it . I usually get up and force myself to do exactly what I was just asking for Minions to do . When it comes to pacing myself and not over doing it . I am my own worst enemy . Once I verbalize it , its enough to make me feel bad for it so I get up and do it . Even when I should just listen to my body and not do it . Not do the dishes and not do the laundry and especially not vacuum . I do them and pay for them and beat myself up for doing to much . Its an invisible fight that people just chalk up that I am lazy or I am " milking it " You would think that if I was not working that I would have so much more time and energy to invest in house cleaning or running around . Fibromyalgia doesn 't know the difference of employment verses unemployment … . it flares either way . It goes to war against me each and every day . People say oh well at least its not fatal . Did these people know that the number on killer of people with Fibro is suicide ? They say well at least its not progressive . No it technically isn 't but you don 't get younger so other more standard things that happen as you age start to happen . Which makes the symptoms of Fibro seem worse . So its a constant struggle to find the right meds to take the edge off , to find where my limitations , to just survive . So recently in my reminiscing moments ( read driving ) I wondered how some of my friends know with usually one look how I am feeling . So me being me , I asked them via text of course . Not while driving though . These are people who know me better than almost anyone else . Some of these friends go back to middle school . I love each of them for there own special ways . Some I see multiple times a week , some I see once a week , some even less than that . They all just know . I got some unexpected answers , like I am good at reading body language . How can I be showing it in my body language if this is an invisible illness . Some told me things I knew , like the more pain I am in the more I grit my teeth . However my favorite answer was … Simply put . . Because I am that awesome . This is why we are friends ! I laughed so hard . I am sure there were many strange looks given to me in Goodwill that day but I didn 't notice or even care . I had awesome friends . It hasn 't always been that way . I realized that it doesn 't matter how they know … they just know . That for some people I only have an : " invisible illness " because that 's the way they choose to see it . I don 't have to see it that way . I don 't have to think of it that way , my friends didn 't think it was invisible . Because really its not invisible . So another day and I am talking with another suffer who also is my friend . Even though we have never met , we seem to just get what the other is saying . I am sitting here needing to keep laundry going , needing to organize the pantry , needing to bring in and put away things that are on the porch . Its all just so awesome that I get to sit here wanting to do this stuff . My brain is telling me to do these things . My body however is saying no way . Stubborn as I am , I do get up and do some . A little at a time , some people call it pacing . Today it is enough that every commercial I get up and do something . Move laundry along , bring a box in , empty a little more of the pantry . This is how it gets done some days . It took me along time to realize that I am not lazy . I am not procrastinating . It is very hard to push past what my body is saying some days . I am better at it some days . I suck at it other days . Those days when I suck at it . I rely on my family , my friends and also my sarcasm . I have learned there is a difference between listening to your body and that of being lazy or procrastinating . I fully admit there are times that I DO procrastinate . There are days that I tell myself I am procrastinating , that when its suddenly six pm and I have not done what my brain had planned for the day , that it was really I was listening to my body . Even if I wasn 't fully aware of listening . Those days I try not to beat myself up about it . Those days I try to just accept . Sometimes without even knowing it a friend will text me or message me or even post a picture that is just right . Its all so awesome that we who suffer with chronic illness and chronic pain , get to fight this brain body connection . This brain that wants so desperately to do and get things accomplished and this body that can not handle it . Its so awesome that we get to deal with nonbelievers of our conditions . Its even more awesome that we get to deal with non - believing doctors as well ! Isn 't that just awesome . Aren 't we just so lucky ! Its all so awesome that on the days that the pain is manageable and the joints are at the very least moving , that a different symptom shows up . My favorite two to show up during these times is the nerve pain feelings , and suddenly being uncoordinated . These days I walk around holding the left side of my face . The skin tingly soda bubble popping feeling is abated a bit by holding it . Dropping boxes or keys or phone over and over is also fun . Because who doesn 't like trying to open the front door and dropping the keys , multiple times . So in the end its just so awesome . Its so awesome that through chronic illness I have found better more understanding friends than I had before . I found out who were my true friends . I found awesome friends ! Now that I have your attention . This is probably my biggest pet peeve . I know they mean well . I do I really do . For some people this cure , this idea , will work . Fibromyalgia is a process of elimination diagnosis . Having put myself through the exhaustive process of elimination I understand the desire to just jump to a diagnosis . I also understand that feeling that the diagnosis they are looking at is wrong but not really being able to communicate that its wrong . There is no words that really describes it . When my doctor first suggested it may be Fibromyalgia … . I was like nope not accepting that . I literally told her I believed it to be a waste basket diagnosis . Now I really loved that doctor and had been with her for over five years at that point . I was frustrated that I felt I wasn 't communicating effectively with her . Even though she had taken like eighteen vials of blood by this time , she listened . She referred me to a rheumatologist and a gastroenterologist and said we would check with an endocrinologist last . I kept a food journal along with what symptoms came after eating such as gas , cramps , and heartburn for six weeks . The gastroenterologist took at least eight vials of blood . She was also fighting with my insurance company to prove that a colonoscopy was medically needed and was not routine . We did not win that fight but we did get around some of it by checking stools . We arrived at Irritable bowel syndrome aggravated by a corn intolerance . Can I just say here do you know how many foods have corn in them ? Practically everything . So prescribed Bentyl , an antispasmatic , and to take two benedryls at night . I will say it was not until the last three years I have gotten serious about reading labels and trying to exclude as much corn products as possible . On to the Rheumatologist I went . I have to say my rheumatologist was beyond wonderful . He truely listened and he also said he suspected a bit more than Fibromyalgia . More bloodwork , more waiting . We found my vitamin D level was super low . Started prescription strength for that . Levels were very slow to increase but they did start increasing . Finally a year later they were within normal levels … . . unfortunately three months off the script and they were back where we started . This was with me taking over the RDA amount daily . I was taking 1 , 000 iu 's a day . So we then started exploring some of my back issues and how much it bothered me . He said the muscle issues were deffinetely Fibro . For which he prescribed Soma . The bone pain I felt though puzzled him . He ordered a full spine MRI . My back only tolerates being laid on for about a minute maybe two minutes at a time most days . Fourty five minutes was killer . I did not have to wait long for a call to come back in . He said let me start out by saying I am so sorry . We should have done this when you first came in . I had issues at every section of my back . Thoracic issues in your twenties not related to an injury are rare . Guess who is rare ? I had been in car accidents but had xrays that showed no damage . Let alone Hypertrophy . Four hernatied discs , some bulging discs a loss of the curve of my neck and on and on . I got Lortab after that . I can 't tell you how many people heard arthritis , oh do this its what helped me . I was barely 26 . Or how many people heard arthritis and basically told me to quit complaining . It was just part of getting older . Excuse me since when was 26 considered old ? Or getting old ? I didn 't consider myself old . I didn 't consider some of my coworkers who were in their fourties or fifties to be old ! How could they just brush it off ? I was angry . I was angry at everyone who didn 't show the least bit of concern or sympathy . I was even more angry with people who said they coped with more pain daily than I . Excuse me I delivered an almost nine pound baby naturally with no epidural . I understand pain . I understand high pain . My pain levels that I can deal with are much higher than what most people have . Why do I say that ? I totally told my midwife that her massaging my stomach after the baby was born hurt more than giving birth . She looked at me and was laughing til she saw my face . She was like oh you are serious . Okay . At each step someone had a cure . Someone had an idea I had to try ! It drove me nuts ! I treated everything homeopathically for almost eighteen months before getting on scripts . It horrifys me sometimes how many pills I take . I am always searching but I also know my body and I know what works . When I was on almost all scripts I was able to work full time , commute 45 minutes , play with the kid and also do housework . Slowly they started being less and less effective . I had a great support network and I went off all meds . It lasted two months before I was like I can 't function like this . So whats the cure ? Listen to your body ! Do what feels right for you . Don 't be afraid to change things up to see if something works better . Most importantly … . . let those comments of have you tried this ? Roll right off you ! I find an answer of Interesting I will have to speak with my doctor about that works pretty well . So really has anyone else noticed that there are some people who you never have deep meaningful conversations … . . I swear people really do that … . and yet … . they are closer to you than anyone else ? I am the kind of friend that when I am friends with you . Its an all or nothing kind of thing . Hey my brain is scattered so don 't leave me to do all the connecting . My connecting to people part of my brain malfunctions at least daily if not hourly . If you will drop everything and help me when I need it …… buddy say the word and I will do likewise . I really have about five maybe six people who are close enough friends that they say the word … . I am running to them . Two of them don 't even have to SAY the word … . I just know . Just like they just KNOW when I need it . Why am I telling you this ? Because when you have a chronic illness and you have a kid … . . these kind of friends are essential . There was a time … back when I didn 't want to get better because I had learned what my limitations are … . that I didn 't have friends that would do this . Now I know I can 't survive without friends that are willing to help . Not only willing to help but offer to help . They can tell with just one look that I need a break from being Mommy so I can just collapse and be goo in bed , and sometimes we need someone to tell us to do this . Sometimes we are so wrapped up in just surviving we forget to take care of ourselves . Now I know that life is pesky and I can 't always stop what I am doing and be there . There is also the fact that some of my friends don 't live close by . It doesn 't mean that my thoughts aren 't with them . It doesn 't mean my phone isn 't in my hand til I know they are safe . Its also is true that life happened to them too and they couldn 't always run . I did however find that some of the people I thought of as just friends , did help . Not only did they help but they were happy to . It might sound odd but this really surprised me . I think it took me getting sick to realize how important friendship is . I wasn 't lonely . I had my husband and my immediate family and then my daughter . It took me years to realize I needed people outside that circle . It took me years to realize some people that were in that circle didn 't need to be there . I changed . It wasn 't easy and I wasn 't always sure I was doing the right thing . It sounds silly but it took me getting sick to realize that my family wasn 't the best support for that . They saw me everyday . They knew what I was dealing with . What I needed was to vent to a nonjudgemental person . I needed to blow off steam and laugh and be silly . Sometimes you can 't do this with family . We are just too committed to each other . Today in church they talked about how we give back and we give forward . We give to give back and sometimes we even give forward . Never knowing how that kind word , smile or help at the right time makes such a difference . So do my friends really have an order of most important , yeah I guess they do , but it wouldn 't be the first thought in my head if someone called asking for help . What matters is what I have to give at that exact moment that they need help . So really as long as you do your BEST for each friend you have … . . they really are your best friend . Its such a silly thing to put value on one friend over another . Its always bothered me and I have never known how to deal with it . Now I do . All my friends are my best friends because I do my best by each friend I have . Regardless of what they do back . Let me also say … . I do not accept this . There is no acceptance about this . It makes me feel very stupid . I don 't feel the person who graduated with a 3 . 9 grade point average . That remaining tenth of a point remained elusive . I hate when I say things wrong or reverse things or forget things . I feel unorganized … which I am not . I feel like a ditz … . okay well that one might just fit . I have blurted out that I am my brother in laws brother in law . Nope you read that right . I have told someone my child is over three years younger than she actually is . I have combined two words to make a whole new word . It all makes much more sense in my head . I know what I want to say it just doesn 't come out the right way . And really when you only get two hours of sleep at a time , who can blame you . However , I also have a good sense of humor . I find these things really really funny . It doesn 't mean I don 't work on it . It doesn 't mean I am the ditsy crazy person I come off as . It doesn 't mean I don 't have self esteem issues with it . What it does mean is , I have to prepare the night ahead of time for the morning . It means that I spend alot of time checking and rechecking that I have things I need . Like heart meds while I am out . Sure some people would say loose the benzodiazepines . These are the times that I grit my teeth and just nod and smile . I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time . Its just a fact of life for me now . I need my meds . Sometimes they don 't cover it all . But they are not going anywhere . I have been there and done that and its just not worth it . I would rather have short term memory issues . For some people they can take a sleeping pill and get some sleep . My body takes sleeping pills as a personal challenge . To see just how long it can fight it . It doesn 't matter if I smother myself in soothing scents and dark cold room and meditation music . My body will find some problem with it all . I took them for years because it at least allowed me to get four to five hours of sleep . Some sleep is better than no sleep when you sleep thirty minutes at a time . What chronic illness people want is to feel normal . To feel accepted for who they are . What people with chronic illnesses want is more than just five more minutes in bed . We want actual restorative sleep . When we get good sleep everything else is just a little bit less . A little bit more manageable . Some days are easier than others . Its just a fact of life for me . So when a day comes that its especially tough , I fall back on my three . The three things that work … . Chocolate , Caffeine and sometimes Maniacal laughing . Sometimes it gets the job done . I make it through the day . Its hard to remember when you are trying to deal with a buzy schedule of being a Mommy , a wife , work , and chronic pain . Its hard to remember to stop and just be . To decide … . yes I am hurting but I can stop and enjoy this sunset . I can enjoy a butterfly on a flower . I can enjoy this chocolate bar . YES I CAN ! Its so easy to say I can 't . I can 't do this . I can 't face another day of chronic pain . I can 't face another day of barely being human . So when you find something that works . Hold on to it with all your might . Think of it as a group on Web MD use to say … as your emergency tool box . So I don 't have the best memory … . sometimes this can be a good thing . When I rediscover something that helps me make it through the day . I do write them down , remembering to check the list however , another story . I know I know I know , there is a sugar crash , a caffeine crash to look forward to . All I can say to that is , I do what I have to . Also hopefully that crash comes when I can just go to sleep . For me though , these are okay . In moderation everything is really okay . Okay well maybe not crack or heroin or whatever , but you know what I mean . It all seems to balance out , The days that I am good and drink only water and eat healthy and walk the dogs balance out the days that I need what I need to get through . Then there are the days where I just laugh at everything . I laugh at myself , I laugh at little things that really probably are only a smile . These are also the days that just breeze by even though they are typically not the best days . Sleep deprived high pain days are hard . Laughing is easy . Its just finding the little things to laugh at . The squirrels who tempt the dogs to catch them . The fact that my daughter was fascinated by the dogs pee or poo steaming . Hey , never said I was mature … Poop is still funny . Farts are hysterical . Sometimes its a text at the right moment that leaves me in the grocery line laughing my butt off . I am part irish so also part stubborn . This weekend I tried to go to bed early and stay in bed late . I did it . I didn 't feel any more rested . So up I get . Later there will be time for laying in bed and cuddling . When I want to do something I do it . Might not be the best idea for me , but I do it . This is not to say I don 't have my pity parties . The people who know me can attest to this . I know it . I have thrown some major pity parties . Ultimately though this is not who I am . I enjoy being Eeyore . But if you notice being grumpy or sarcastic really doesn 't stop Eeyore from doing . So sometimes I bundle the Eeyore around me and just do . A toolbox can do much to help get to the end of the day . For me most of the time its chocolate , caffiene and a little maniacal laughing . Its not perfect but it works . What 's in your toolbox ? Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . CrazyChronicLifeA chronic illness life is a crazy life . We can handle it together - with humor , kindness , and a few meltdowns along the way . Peace , love , and health . Mama Bear MusingsThoughts and Writings that have been Hibernating in my MindThe Oxytocin Chroniclessex , love , and the science of why we give a damnSloan RawlinsAuthor & Transformation CoachPosts of Hypnotic SuggestionIt might not be til later looking back . . . A Morning GrouchHalf - assed blogger . Mother . Writer . Doodler . Gratitude Practicer . Lover of coffee , wine , running , yoga and real people . What 's On My Shoe ? Walk a mile in my shoes , if you think you can handle it . 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Live deliberately . My Virtual VineyardCrazyChronicLifeA chronic illness life is a crazy life . We can handle it together - with humor , kindness , and a few meltdowns along the way . Peace , love , and health . Mama Bear MusingsThoughts and Writings that have been Hibernating in my MindThe Oxytocin Chroniclessex , love , and the science of why we give a damnSloan RawlinsAuthor & Transformation CoachPosts of HypnotiPost to

" Let it be a peaceful decision . " This was some sage advice I received today from my dear friend M . I find myself once again playing with the idea of taking up homeschooling the Littles . I have a tendency to feel compelled to make huge life - changing decisions when I 'm in the middle of an emotional upheaval . I have no idea why I do this , but it has always been a vice of mine . I suppose it was that bully that used to reside inside of me . Who always seemed to make sure that I didn 't feel good in my own skin . That bully that used to lead me from person to person in order to find the right answer to my constantly changing life questions . I never used to just listen to what my heart wanted . I didn 't trust myself to make decisions . I had to have all of my decisions affirmed and reaffirmed by the people in my life . My decisions were never anything like peaceful . So when I read those words , " Let it be a peaceful decision " , in my friends message today I heard a very quiet voice inside of me say " yes , let it be a peaceful decision . " What is a peaceful decision ? Peaceful decisions come from the heart . They come from the spirit . There is no anxiety attached to a peaceful decision . A peaceful decision just flows . It just happens . I know why I want to homeschool again . It 's not because the Littles hate school . They are actually happy to be in school . It 's not that they hate homework . Sure they complain a bit , but there are no tears falling on their faces . I 'm the one who hates school . I 'm the one who hates homework . I 'm the one who wishes that she could be free from the clutches of the Dept . of Education and their ridiculous standards . I 'm the one who hates being in the car 80 + minutes a day driving them to school and home again . I 'm the one with tears falling on my face . It all sounds very selfish and childish , but I have every right to feel the way I do . What I don 't have a right to do is make a decision that could possibly harm one or more of my precious Littles . Every decision that is made is followed by consequences . Some of tPosted by I live a blessed life . I believe that all of our lives are blessed if we are open to receiving such blessings . I am open to this type of life , but I still have pains that I have to live with . I still have everyday ups and downs . Today is one of those down days . If I am to be honest , and I am , I would have to say that I have been moving into this down time for several days now . Accepting the departure of my dear baby sister has been hard . She is leaving tomorrow and I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest . I am in great physical pain in the form of headache and lower back pain . Not just dull pain , but absolutely debilitating pain . Yet I am up and moving through my day carrying the pain with me . All of it . Physical and emotional . I would love to curl up into a ball and lay in a dark room , but my loving spirit says no . " Live your life . Embrace this pain , and it will not linger . " Those are the words I am hearing today . So the tears are falling freely right now . Later today I have to take Little # 4 to his baseball game and I will muster up the strength to sit in the stands and cheer him on . So I allow myself to feel all of this pain any chance I can . One of my favorite bloggers at Quest For Balance talks about winters of the heart today . You can read about it here . I am most definitely in a winter of the heart right now . It is right where I need to be . I know that I live a joyful , free - spirited life . I have many beautiful people in my life and am very grateful for them . Today , however , I am in a deep winter and feeling very alone . This is where I NEED to be . The sun will come back and soon I will be basking in its light and warmth . Just not today . Just my thoughts . Wow ! I 'm am in the midst of yet another emotional upheaval . It feels different this time . Not quite as excruciatingly painful as the mess with Not - so - little # 1 . Yet when I compare what is going on this week with what happened then , I should be feeling worse . I know that the reason I am holding it all together is because of my newest practice of focused breathing . I am able to embrace my life and all that happens because of the peace I receive from my own breath . Two monumental things are taking place in my life right now . First , my baby sister is moving from 5 minutes away to 18 hours away . In just a few short days I will have to watch her go off to follow her path . I have a very strong connection to my sister and it is very hard to think that I will not be able to physically see her whenever I need to . I know that the connection we have can not be loosened by miles of highway . I also know that she is going to be very happy where she is moving to and that is why I am not falling to pieces . We still have the telephone and Skype , so I can still " see " her often and now I have an excuse to vacation in New Mexico . Yay ! ! The second monumental event that is pulling at my heart strings has to do with Little # 6 . Monday night marked the end of a very special connection that we have had for the past 4 years , 1 month and 2 days . Monday night my baby said goodbye to breastfeeding . I have been ready for her to be done for quite a few months now , but I have patiently waited till she was ready and allowed her to have ' milkies ' at bedtime much longer than I wanted to . I felt in my heart of hearts that this was something that just had to come to an end when SHE was ready . She has been " ready " several times in the last two months , only to change her mind at bedtime once again . This Monday that all changed . I knew in my heart that she was truly done . She looked at me and said she would have two milkies and that was all . Then she did something she has never done before . She looked at my breasts , touched them gently and said goodbye witPosted by Breathe . Breathe in . Breathe out . This is where I am today . Just settled back and breathing . Littles 3 , 4 & 5 are all settled in their school routines . Littlest Little # 6 started Preschool 3 mornings a week yesterday and I have Wednesday mornings to myself . All of the fear and sadness I felt around Not - so - little # 1 's problems has been released and Not - so - little # 2 , well he 's my easy child . I really like the feeling of being settled . I love the peace . This is NOT how I felt this time last year . There was no settled feeling , no peace and the only breathing I was doing was mostly hyperventilating . My new found love of focused breathing has brought me through some highly emotional times these last few weeks . I call it my Spirit 's voice . The sound of my breathe is the song that my spirit sings . It is the soft , motherly voice of encouragement and comfort . It is the life force of my truest self . If I don 't breathe , I don 't live . And I 'm not talking about the physical need for breathing . I 'm talking about the spiritual need for breathing . My search for my truest self has been long and tedious . I searched and searched for years . Today I have the wisdom to know that I can 't find myself through a book or through a therapist or a 12 - step meeting . I can 't find myself through Mr . Man or the Littles . I can 't find myself from a community of like - minded people . These are all tools to aid me in keeping spiritually fit , but to truely find myself I need only breathe in and breathe out . I need only allow my breath to embrace me every moment of every day . So as my time of solitude is drawing to a close and I need to go grocery shopping before I pick up the Littlest Little , I leave with this one thought . Breathe in , breathe out . . . . OH SNAP ! ! ! I forgot to make a grocery list ! ! ! ! . . . Breathe in , breathe out . Just my thoughts . Here I am dancing up a storm on what turned out to be the evening of all evenings . I love this photo , because it really captures the energy of the evening . That energy was happy , joyous and free . We were just a group of beautiful , vibrant ladies out on the town without a care in the world . ( I was wearing a tiara , but you couldn 't see it in most of the photos from the evening . Note to self : Buy a bigger tiara next year . ; ) ) We gathered at my home for a fabulous meal and joyful fellowship . ( I 'm the one with the gorgeous gray hair that looks like she 's not wearing a tiara . Again : Much bigger tiara next year . ) The meal was wonderful , with the combined efforts of my dear sister and some dear friends , but the best part was just being together in my home with all of these bright and shining ladies . I felt so comfortable and joyful . These two feelings are not how I usually feel in social situations . How could I not feel this way on that night ? All of these women have become a part of who I am now , because I hold a special place in my heart for each of them . I am so honored that they wanted to be a part of an evening that I have often dreamed about , but have never had the confidence to do . I have that confidence now and I have already decided that this event will take place every 2nd Saturday in September . It is my hope that it becomes an evening that people look forward to each year . I am very excited about what the evening will look like in the future . There is one person missing from the group photo above . The photographer , which is my beautiful sister , Kristy . She is the shiny lady on the left . She has inspired me in so many ways . First with her blog , Stark Raving Zen , then with her decision to leave a career that was slowly killing her , followed by a spiritual transformation that most people will never accomplish in one life time . She has been a constant source of encouragement and has really taught me valuable lessons in living your joy and letting your spirit shine . She lives about 5 minutes from me right now , but Posted by So , I 'm ready to move on . I am letting not - so - little # 1 be who she is right now . I love her , but I need to let go of all the feelings of hopelessness and fear . I am ready to let my hair down and put on my dancing shoes ( and my tiara ) and just have fun . About a month ago I decided to plan an event . I have never done this in my life . I felt the desire to put on a little black dress and a tiara and just have some good ole fun . So Saturday night my sister and a good friend of mine are preparing dinner for 15 - 20 other amazing women . My hope for the evening is to just celebrate how beautiful we all are . We will not all have on little black dresses . That was my original plan , but it is more important to me that all of these beautiful women feel beautiful . So I let that requirement slide . However , we will all be sporting tiaras . I know its silly . Sometimes a little silliness is important . I am so excited for this evening . I will be seeing some women that I have not seen in 20 + years . I will be showing a side of me that I don 't usually show . I used to love to dance . Then over the years I became too insecure to dance . I believed that I would just make a fool of myself if I danced . Well , Saturday I will gladly make a fool of myself . I guess I no longer consider dancing as making a fool of myself . I dance at home all the time . I 'm ready to take my awesome dancing show on the road . I hope I don 't intimidate too many people . ; ) I am also excited that it is Thursday night and I am not panicking because my house is a disaster . Because my house IS NOT A DISASTER . Pick up here , scrub a little there and I am ready to relax and be joyful . Life is good . Even when things seem dark , life is still good . So think about me dancing the night away on Saturday . Maybe you could join me from where ever you are . Happy dancing ! ! ! ! Just my thoughts . So stepping back from not - so - little # 1 and her problems hasn 't been as easy as I thought it was going to be . The strength that I felt just a few days ago has all but vanished . All I feel right now is a very real pain . I feel loss . I want so much for all of this to just go away , yet I can 't stop feeling this negative energy that surrounds me . I know that I am holding on to it . I won 't let it go . I 'm not very good at practicing what I preach . I am saying that my daughter needs to suffer the consequences of her actions , but I am trying to avoid the consequences of mine . Mr . Man and I have made some bad choices where not - so - little # 1 is concerned . We have helped her out of some financial messes and now those decisions are biting us . So this pain that I 'm feeling is the same pain that she should be feeling . I don 't think that she feels it , however . Why should she ? I have never allowed her to truly face her consequences . I want to totally step back from this , but if I do it will mean a pretty big financial hit on Mr . Man and myself . If I don 't step back and make some offers to help it will still mean a pretty big financial hit . So this is where my dilemma lies . I feel like I 'm damned if I do and damned if I don 't . There is no simple answer here . It may seem simple . Just don 't help her . Simple , but not easy . I guess I haven 't learned how to be the kind of mother who can detach from her kids in a healthy way yet . I can detach from little messes , but bigger than life messes still trip me up . I still want so much for my kids to be happy , productive people , and if they are not I feel pain for them . I feel pain for their spirits that just want to be joyful and free , but are being held captive . In this case , I feel so much pain that I want to make it go away . I want to do whatever it takes to get rid of this darkness that seems like it is taking over . My point in all of this is that I have to suffer the consequences of my actions . I can 't make them go away . I can 't have someone sweep in and make it all better . Mr . Man and I messPosted by Well , this week went off without a hitch . . . almost . The littles had a good first week of school . We have really fallen into a good routine and I don 't feel the anxiety that I remember from last year . Little # 4 started his Fall baseball leauge practices on Wednesday and I was able to drop him off and not be filled with fear that he might be nervous . Last year I cried at every game , watching him struggle because his baseball skills were not at the same level as the other players . I was quite an emotional wreck a year ago . Everything was running smoothly , I was feeling so at ease and peaceful and I was looking forward to what the next few months was going to bring . Of course the Universe has a way of mixing it up a bit . Just when you think that all is well , something happens and your ease and peace are tested . That is what happened to me . Not so little # 1 got into some trouble . Actually she is in big trouble . She has been in trouble before and I have always been filled with the pain of not knowing what to do . Not knowing how to help her . Wishing that she could be spared any pain . Telling her what I think she should do and then getting upset when she ignores my advice . In other words , I have always let her problems become my problems . When I received her phone call yesterday , I was not filled with pain . I was not worried about what I could do for her . I was not wishing that she could be spared any pain . I know that this may sound odd , but I want her to feel some of the pain . She needs to suffer some consequences . I still love her with all my heart . That will never run out , but I will only be offering her emotional support . I will not make things easy for her . I love her too much to do that . I love me too much to do that . My relationship with my oldest has been strained . I am just as responsible for that strain as she is . I have at some level allowed her to stay stuck in this downward spiral she is in . I only know one way to keep our relationship from completely disintegrating . I have to remove myself from her problems . IPosted by Littles 3 , 4 & 5 started their second year of school today . It has been one of those days where I am a mixture of happy and sad . Sad , because I miss them when they are gone and happy because I am enjoying this one - on - one time with Little # 6 . I started getting a bit unnerved last week with the thought of sending them off to school again . I seriously considered going back to homeschooling . As the clutter has been cleared from our home I have felt a definite strengthening of my relationship with my precious family . I want to be around them . I want to share in their everyday adventures . When the clutter was here I had a hard time feeling this closeness . I felt suffocated and unfortunately that feeling often left me feeling like I was being crowded out , which often kept me emotionally detached . I homeschooled for 5 years feeling this way . It was a constant struggle . When I had finally reached my breaking point and decided to put the kids in school , I felt like a failure . I did not want to put them in school , but I knew that I needed a break . Now I see that my spirit was telling me that it was time to take care of Jill . It was time to focus on Jill 's needs . I could not do that with the Littles at home all day , every day . When the Littles went off to school last year , my life took a turn for the worst . I couldn 't even bring them to school on the first day . I didn 't want them to see me crying . I didn 't want to scare them anymore than they were already scared . When I think back to last fall , I see pain and more pain . Everything fell to pieces . I felt like a complete failure , I jumped back into my food addiction and I let the house fall to pieces even more than it already was . In January things took another turn . I started to see glimpses of my spirit shine through all of the pain . I finally came to believe that I got to choose what and who I was to be . I dropped the failure and food addict labels . Since then my transformation has been slow and steady . Today I am free from food addiction and I have been freed from the need to Posted by I am Jill . I am a wife , a mother of 6 and a grandmother of 2 . My purpose is simple . To live this one life with my eyes wide open . View my complete profile

Yesterday was my follow up . It was really hard to keep calm , but thankfully Shadow came with me so that was a huge help . It was kind of cute because he asked the medical assistant if he could come back before I even asked . I saw Dr . Johanson 's PA ( physicians assistant ) who was really really cute ! I mean REALLY cute . He was also closer to my age and had a very good energy . He was very calm and informative and gave me more info about what all was done . I was honest with him , even though before that I was petrified about a pain questionnaire I 'd filled out . I felt like I was being a baby and over exaggerating . I went over everything with him because I knew Shadow would flick my nose if I didn 't . The PA said that everything I was experiencing was perfectly normal . He said I needed to stay on the percaset and not be so scared to take it when I needed . He really put me at ease about it . I 've been having a hard time sleeping because of pain in my shoulder blade as well as not being able to sleep on my sides because of pain and feeling like things where being pulled on . I also asked him about when I can wear a bra again and he just laughed and said it would be a few more weeks . I 'm really not ok going back to work without that key piece of clothing . Though the look on Shadow 's face was priceless . He asked to see my incision sites next . This was another concern because I have one area that wasn 't closing and was oozing . I know , nasty , but I was really concerned because I 've never had anything do that before . The cut along my neck has healed enough that I really don 't need to keep it covered , but the oozing one . . . . yeah , no way . So while he 's looking at the site after peeling off the massive waterproof medical grade band - aid i 've had covering most of my shoulder , he says in the calmest manner possible that my body is rejecting the stitches in that area . This was the first I heard about having stitches at all . All that was there was glue . A LOT of glue . So as he was preparing things to close my wound , he explained that I actually have A LOT of stitches under all the glue . I have 2 layers of a lot of stitches which is why I 've been feeling the pulling sensation when I move certain ways . They had to cut through other muscles to get to where the scalene muscle connects . One of them being my pectoral muscle . So , I know have those nifty waterproof medical tape things covering the area that wasn 't closing . While he was patching me up , the PA also told me that I shouldn 't be lifting anything over 5 pounds . Shadow started laughing but told him he 'd make sure I stuck to it . When I asked why my weight limit was being further limited , he told me that because of the amount of damage to my nerves and how weak I am in my right arm now , 5 is my absolute limit until I see him again in November . I was also given a prescription to start physical therapy , but weight / strength training is out until November . Shadow assured him he 'd make sure I followed orders . So we left and I had my meltdown in the truck . Shadow was actually really supportive at that point in telling me I 'd done really well and didn 't have my usual attack in the office even with what had happened Friday the week before with my prescription . I 'm cleared to go back to work , but the PA was pushing for me to do half days . He wrote me a note saying that 8 hours are as tolerated for awhile . My therapy part I think I 'll be doing close to work . A number of people have said they would feel better if I went that route because of me being on the meds still and with how exhausted I 've been getting still being out and about . This way I 'd be close to work and near people that can pick me up instead of me taking the bus through the bad part of Seattle alone . Posted by When I got home , I had a pile of packages on the porch waiting for me . Mom had grabbed lunch for me , so while I ate the best freaking happy meal of my life ( let it be known , I really hate McDonalds . I was craving a cheeseburger though . ) Seriously , I don 't know what it was , but that cheeseburger was amazing . I opened the mountain of love that had come from my twinkie , which required me to use scissors . I was able to use scissors guys ! I haven 't been able to use scissors in months ! In my excitement , I took the glitter brick case off my phone . I could hold my phone with no pain and no case to make it fat . I could text even ! Needless to say I cried . I took a shower and that was really hard with a garbage bag taped to your shoulder and not able to fully use your arm . It felt good though . I settled in and read about my newest fashion accessory , the pain pump . No one told me that if I used the button on this , it would release more meds to the nerves . They also didn 't tell me that that button is a bracelet . They ALSO didn 't tell me that this thing was super mounted to me so that there was no way I could rip it out like I was terrified of doing . It was put in during surgery and my dad took it out on Sunday when the medication ran out . The clear circle part was filled with a doughnut of medication that was slowly released . The bracelet part stored medication as well to give you a boost when you needed it . It was super helpful , but I was terrified to have it taken out . It turned out to just be a wire , about 7 " of wire , that was inside me releasing meds . Didn 't even feel it taken out . I was so happy to take a shower after without having to mount the damn thing in the shower with me ! I was given percacet when I checked out of the hospital . A LOT of it . . . I 've never been given more then a few . I had strict instructions to take them on schedule . I 've had too to . The first couple days I was taking 2 every 4 hours . I couldn 't have managed otherwise . I was still struggling with being short of breath and I was finding that when I ate anything that was soft , my throat would swell . Sunday , I got cocky . I wasn 't taking them on schedule . Monday was about the same and I started only taking 1 every 6 hours , maybe . I payed for that Tuesday . Tuesday the pain was horrible . I hadn 't been sleeping again because percacet I 've found makes me hyper . Tuesday I woke up at 4am , or more over I gave up trying to sleep at 4am . I took a pill at 6 am even though I was long overdue for a pill . My throat started to swell after a few bites of applesauce so the bowl took 2 hours to eat . Shadow came over to babysit me that day . By the time he came over , I was really trying to hide the fact I wasn 't comfortable at all . He tried to massage out my shoulder blade and neck . He was scared he was going to hurt me but he was working far away from any of the entry sites . It was such a bad day and I still was thinking it was a mind over matter thing until around 10pm when i broke down and took 2 pills . Life improved and because I 'd relaxed with Shadow , I actually slept that night for 9 hours . So Wednesday I stayed on top of the meds . Took 2 every 6 hours and life was good . Still tired to do dishes , but aside from that , things where as good as they can be . Now . . . here is the part where if you have a weak stomach , just scroll passed . Yesterday the waterproof bandaids my dad had put on on Sunday after taking out the pump had been compromised . I peeled them off and decided to get a picture since I didn 't when I 'd had the pump taken out . I can 't look at the close ups myself and that 's my shoulder , so I won 't be posting them . I 'm glued together pretty much , no stitches . I 'm actually really happy to not be stitched together . Stitches suck when they are in areas that you actually bend and use . the one along my neck is about 7 " long . the second one is just short of 5 " . I can 't turn my neck fully and it does cramp up from time to time . I don 't notice as much as long as I keep up with the meds . I 'm still swollen though from about my shoulder blade to my armpit . About the meds . . . not only was I yelled at by The Doll for trying to go off them , but also the doctor office when I called to get a refill and told them what I 'd tried to do . Apparently with the amount of damage done and how long this has been going on , I shouldn 't be pushing to get off the drugs because it 's not happening for a few weeks while my body adjusts . While I 'm still a little numb from the pain pump , as it wears off , the nerves make themselves very much known . It 's still not sunk in that I 've had major surgery . I still have 2 weeks off and I 'm going crazy . The doctor had really wanted me to take 4 weeks and I 'm starting to think maybe I might have too . I have my follow up appointment on Tuesday and will find out when I can start physical therapy . I 'm really scared of this recovery . I 'm scared of the day that it will hit that this was major surgery and just what I 'm facing to get back that 90 % of function and strength . I 'm really scared and it 's not something I feel I can opening admit to family . I 've been blessed however . I 've realized just how many friends I do truly have . While Bunny Boo had sent me a mountain of goodies , my work family have given loads of support and love as well . This appeared on my doorstep on Saturday and made me bawl . They are lovely and still holding strong . THEY ARE SO PINK ! ! ! ! I really love them . My dear B has checked in with me almost daily as well as a few other of my work friends and of course The Doll . I 've never felt so much love before from so many people . So many people have told me just how much I 've helped them in the past and what it meant and have offered help and support . I 've just been speechless and needless to say weepy from it all . Thank you to those who 've been there pre and post op . Your all wonderful . I 'm not going to die but I 've still got a road to recovery . : ) I 've seen just what I 'll be gaining back once everything is settled . I can 't wait to be covered in thread and paint again . I know it 's coming soon . I know I 'll be able to do illustration work again . Things will get better . . . they just suck right now . : P It 's been a week today and I 've been slow to do this post . It 's been a bit of a rough week and things really haven 't sunk in still . I 'm going to try and not get to side tracked on this post . I 'm warning now that I 'm still on a lot of percacet and still in a lot of pain and not able to do much . . . or anything really : / The adventure started at about 9 : 45 when we left for Seattle . I had to check in at 10 : 45 and I wanted to be early because things happen and traffic is unpredictable once you hit downtown . I brought my medical folder with me with directions and everything I 'd been sent up until that point . I was told to check in at admitting , but when I got there , there was confusion . I wasn 't even checked in yet and I was lost . After showing my the directions I 'd been sent and about 20 minutes of the poor receptionist making phone calls between departments , things got sorted out and I was escorted to a room . What had happened was that the nurse I 'd done my per - registration interview with had set things up for me to be admitted into the hospital instead of going through day surgery . Normally , patients who are having TOS release go through day surgery and are then admitted after surgery for an over night stay . Because it was noted in my chart that I was a difficult patient and I 'd also asked if it was ok to bring Korick along , she decided it would be helpful for me to know where I had a room . It was too . I knew I had a room to go back too . I could leave my things there instead of having Shadow and my mom cart them around and I could have a meltdown in private . I was really grateful for this because I was petrified to stay overnight at the hospital . I was not in good shape . Because I 'd been so stressed the weeks leading up to surgery with getting work settled and just trying to make it through every day things , my stomach had been horrible . I hadn 't been eating much of anything for about 2 weeks except for coffee and crackers . I hadn 't been sleeping on top of it . It was just not good . I really tried to eat the day before too , but my stomach wouldn 't have it . Since I 'd been admitted a bit backwards , there was blood work I had to do before hand which was not entered in the system for me to have done . Because of this , my 12 : 45 surgery start time was pushed back while labs where run . I 'd not been eatting , I 'd tried really hard to hydrate because I 'm a hard stick and I was freaking out since my support team ( Shadow and my mom ) where having meltdowns of there own . By the time I was finally taken to the pre - op , I was sure I was going to die . I had a horrible migraine and hide under a pillow the whole time and was in tears begging for meds . I hate being medicated . It was bad , really bad . The staff though , the nurses and doctors where wonderful considering I was in such bad shape . Dr . Johanson held my hand even and kept reminding me it was going to be better when this was all said and done . One of the nurses stayed with me until the anesthesia doctor came by to have me sign the last form and I was finally given something for the pain and nausea I was having . The staff kept telling me that despite the pain I was in , I had still been polite , but I honestly felt I hadn 't been . I 'm use to being chatty with medical people because I work in the field . Of course I was apologizing and chatting it up right until I was put under . That was the best 2 hours of sleep I 'd had in about a month . When I woke up in post op , I couldn 't breath . I freaked out . Dr . Johanson rushed over and explained that some of the nerves that had run to the outside of my lungs had been within the bunch that had been crushed . my right arm was completely numbed during the surgery and I woke up with a pain pump in my shoulder . The first shot of morphine was given , but it was still hard to breath . Shot 2 was given and they started to wheel me back to my room . I was bawling , still couldn 't breath and in mass pain and confused . First words out of my mom 's mouth are screaming I needed to eat . Shadow was laughing about morphine . Mom kept insisting I needed to eat and I finally yelled at her that I was far more concerned about being able to breath and for the pain to stop in my chest then about eating . Shot number 3 was given and the wonderful nurse brought me a cup of crushed ice . Shadow sat by me and tried to spoon feed me ice . That ice was amazing , I was horrible dehydrated by this point and it was nearly 6pm now . I was still hearing mom pushing food . I was grateful for Shadow at this point because he gave me the calm energy I needed right then to focus on . To shut mom up , I had Shadow call in an order for mash potatoes and mushroom gravy . When it got to the room it sat there because I was bent on eating every last bit of that ice . Somewhere in there my dad had showed up , mom was still screaming about eating . Dad calmed her down finally and got her off my back finally . I finally got around to eating and even though they where fake potatoes , that gravy was amazing . Shadow ordered me applesauce at my dad 's suggestion for later . People started leaving then . It was about 8pm . Shot 4 was given with my first 2 percacets . I was mostly comfortable at this point . . . but I did not sleep at all . It wasn 't because people where in and out of my room , I just couldn 't get comfy . Taken at 3am about . You can tell one the right side of my face is really swollen . This is all from the nerves that had been crushed . I hadn 't realized just how many nerves had been affected . Dr . Johanson explained the next morning that a lot more had been pinned by the muscle then originally thought . There 's a high chance that my asthma attacks , at least a good chunk , have been because of the crushed nerves . My throat swelling closed every now and then would also be from the nerves having those brief moments of getting released from the muscle . My migraines fall along the same track as the swelling . Over 10 years of pain and random conditions that no one could give me a straight answer on . One muscle was the cause of so many problems . I still have no idea what I would have done if not for The Doll pushing me to see this doctor . I 've survived . . . mostly . I will give the full gory details in a couple days when I 'm not so medicated / in pain / actually know where I am . I 've been laying low since released late Friday morning . In other news , I forgot to put my Etsy shop in vacation mode and one of my dolls sold on Friday the 13th ! She 's one of my older ones too and one of my favorites ! So while I 'm sad to see her go , I 'm super excited she 'll have a new home ! I had a bad feeling this would happen too ! ! ! I 'll have to figure out a way to get her dropped off and to sew her a quick blanket for traveling to North Dakota . So last week I had a very high pain day . I just couldn 't seem to get it under control and I was way stressed by it . I was shattered and of course I was at work . Out of frustration , I emailed the Doll asking for help . It just wasn 't clicking with why all the sudden , everything hurt so so much . She emailed me back quickly . I can 't even remember what she had emailed , but it made me run down to her office and give her a big hug . Of course . . . I started crying again . The Doll sat and listened but then she told me the things I truly needed to hear at that moment . She told me that I needed to realize I have a condition that causes chronic pain . I will have good days and I will have bad ones . On those bad days , I need to celebrate the little achievements . She told me it was ok to be in pain . I 've been suffering for years and just delt with it , but now my body had an answer . It had been given permission to be hurt . I had another friend that told me I hide my pain well . She 'd had no idea until I 'd come back to the billing office just shattered . It was so hard to to admit it . I 've been so lucky and so fortunate to have people that truly care . I 've had a few that . . . I could do without , but the ones that have been there and have listened and supported and just ask how I 'm doing . That means so much . I know I 'm down to the week mark until surgery . I really really really can not wait . I know recovery will suck . I know I may well come back to chaos when I come back , but I know I 'll feel better then I have in years . I truly can 't believe just how much this has effected me , down to the migraines I get . I promise this blog will get back to the artsy stuff . In fact I plan on trying as soon as I 'm able to hold a pencil or even a damn crayon . Little Nightengale will come back , but as a much stronger person .

I find myself trying to figure out how she thought to put all those notes together . Was it difficult for her ? To me , it 's like magic . I 'm so thankful for musicians who play their music for us . But I wonder how they make it happen . How can they see such things ? I 've tried playing guitar . I can 't even get notes if I push down on strings on the fret bar . It just doesn 't make sense to me . Painters are another type of artist that I 'm astonished by . They take oil or watercolor and spread them on canvas . When they 're done , there 's a scene that pulls at the imagination . How did they get that paint in exactly those blends to make it work ? Much like painters , Illustrators drop lines onto paper . Those lines add up to make an amazing picture . Add some color and you have a beautiful scene that I can stare at for hours , wondering what it would be like . I try to do this . My lines are shaky and out of order . The image in my mind is translated into a stick figure with a messed up face . Crafters I watch my wife make her jewelry . I think about others that crochet , sculpt , sew and design buildings . These people have a vision and use their hands to make it ? How do they do such things ? My wife took gears and chain . She made a steampunk necklace that everyone wanted with those items . She took buttons and made them into jewelry . She puts beads together to make decorative chandeliers . She makes chainmail earrings . How does she see these things ? If I try it , I get a string of beads that will likely break . I 'm not even going to try to crochet or design a building ! As I said , I was editing my book . You see , this is the 6th novel I 've written . I find myself smiling as I read . I 'm excited for the next paragraph , the next chapter and the end of the book , even though I know I 'm going to cry yet again . Writing is an art , no ? I see so many struggle with it . Some try to start and get as far as a page before stopping and saying , " This is too hard . " Don 't they see the worlds expanding before them ? Don 't they know about all the characters yearning to tell their stories ? It 's all right there . Can 't they simply put the words down on paper ? Learn the craft of writing , making sentences , using punctuation ? How do they not understand how enjoyable it is ? Worlds open for me when I write . I smile and craft sentences to bring characters to life . It 's incredibly easy , especially now . The problem is that there just isn 't enough time to write all the stories in my mind . For other artists ? Is it that easy to create music , paint a picture , craft a necklace ? Do those things desire to be created by other artists the way my stories do for me ? If so , I nod in understanding at how you must feel . I admire you for what you do . Most importantly , I thank you for sharing that art with the world . Well , I was writing a description of a room as I do quite often in my books . I got to the part about how the room was lit . It 's in a temple of the Goddess of Sunshine . So the room is lit by globes of divine light . Then I wondered how the globes stayed lit and realized I had no clue . So instead of making up a technique , I had one of my characters muse about it . This is what I wrote . It 's told from the viewpoint of Frath and it 's in ' Pelya ' , the third book of the Dralin Trilogy . Well , I came to the realization that I have to know how every scene is lit . It occured to me to wonder if other authors are the same way , or if it 's just me . In any case , I decided to list some of the ways I use to light areas . Outside during the day , it 's pretty easy . There 's a sun shining ( providing your world has a sun , which mine does . However , I often adjust that light with clouds , fog , dawn , dusk , rain , snow and various other weather affects . The climate and vegetation affect it as well . Trees provide shade , sunlight is harsh in the desert , winter sunlight is less effective at keeping a person warm . Those things can affect the mood of the daylight and alter the impressions of your readers . Nighttime has a lot of options for adjusting light . My world has two moons , Siahray is blue - green and Piohray is red . When both of them are full , they cast a lavender light upon the night . I can adjust the mood of a scene by having one full or not there at all to create a specific mood . Well , the most common artificial in a fantasy setting is going to be fire . A campfire in the wilderness or a fire in the hearth at home are very common . The source of fuel , such as wood in the forest or cow patties in the steppes needs to be considered as well . Fire will be less common in the desert where there is little easy fuel . In cities , a torch , essentially rags on a stick dipped in pitch , is going to be the easiest light . However , it doesn 't last all that long and isn 't very bright . It 's great for adding to mystery though . The guttering flames ( torches always have guttering flames ) cast lots of shadows and allow for things to come out of the murk . ( murk is the darkness beyond torchlight . Icky things hide there ) Another option is candles . They are very dim and can be held for hope , always slim when you only have a candle . They can be all colors and more of them will more light . You can also add candleholders , which are a nice addition to decorating a room . Candles flicker as opposed to the guttering of torches . Lanterns and kerosene lamps are a more advance option of man - made light . They use liquid fuel with a wick and can hold a light for hours . On lampposts in a city , they can give the impression of technological advancement or wealth . You can always put a candle in a lantern for a different sort of effect . The glass of the lantern can help protect the candle from wind . Oriental lanterns are often made of paper with designs on them if you 'd like to add an Eastern theme to your story . In truth , these natural lights were rare in historical times in our world . Candles and torches require materials and work to make . Not all people had those materials or even had time to do the work involved . When the sun went down , it was very dark . The lack of light can be especially useful in creating fear . I 've found that I almost always give my characters light . Ahh , now that 's the fun part . Ryallon is a high - magic world , so I can create technology - equivalent lighting . The civilizations in my world range from barbaric to near - Victorian . I use magical or fantasy elements to generate different types of light . I also have underground caverns that contain luminescent plants . I 'll list some excerpts from my books to show the different ways light is provided in Ryallon . He followed them into the vacant building , ducking along the wall after entering the doorway . A small blue flame appeared from Liselle 's hand . She lifted it into the air and let it float above them as they looked around the room . Bioluminescent plants , from " Anilyia " : The temperature became cooler as the party traveled deeper into the ground . Soon plants began to appear on the walls and ceiling . The plants were rich with oxygen , which made it possible to breathe the air . Bioluminescent fluids creeped through the plants , creating light . It was similar to the glowflies in the forest , but much more powerful . They were different from plants on the surface . Their powerful roots dug deep into the rock , but at the same time secured the stone so that ribs and braces were no longer needed to keep the tunnel secure . Round globe lights hung from various trees to light the city at night . He had asked one of the Druids how they were lit . The Druid told him that a specific type of nectar , which attracted glowflies , was placed inside . More of that nectar was added every evening and the glowflies would spend the entire night on their feast , lighting the city in the process . Between the thickness of the forest and the clouds above , it was dim enough for some of the globes to give off a soft light while they waited for lunch . Two lanterns shone with a magical glow on the main deck and one on the aft deck to go with the gentle illumination of the bell . The mild creaking of wood and flap of sails was soothing . Tathan could see ocean below and the lights of a port village a short distance ahead through the light snow . " The candles are lit . " She pointed at iron candleholders lined along the wall and at tables with stepped shelves to either side of the statue . They all had candles with violet flames that flickered dimly , making the shadows dance slowly . A mat was on the floor inside and he wiped his feet off to reduce the chance of bootprints . Magical torches flickering with bright pink flames lined a long hallway . Frath did not want to sneak around in a wizard 's house , but the shadows beckoned . He observed that they always seemed more substantial when cast by magical light . Ebudae stood and concentrated on a four - pillar candleholder above the fireplace . Pelya recognized a spell was going to be cast and gave the wizardess space . The spell was simple , barely rustling her silken locks , but choosing what candles to light took focus . Ebudae whispered the words of a spell and made precise gestures with her outstretched hands . Yellow - green flames came to life . At the same time , candles throughout the manor lit with the same flames . She left the bedrooms and storage rooms dark , but lit all the common areas . Lady Pallon normally had servants light the lanterns to make it bright , but Ebudae loved the mysterious and eerie light filling the room and hallway beyond . " There , now it 's not dark . " She smiled triumphantly as she turned back to her guests . Those are just some of the ways I use lighting in my stories . Nearly every scene in my books use light to adjust the reader 's opinion of what 's happening . I like variety in color and types . Each wizard has their own preferred color as well . Liselle is blue and Ebudae is yellow - green for example . However , that was after I had edited it once . I set my books aside for two months . During that time , I let beta readers go through it . Then I pick it up and go through it with a fine tooth comb . I add stuff and take away stuff . The story basically stays the same , but the quality is better , sometimes drastically . I 'm posting the finalized version of chapter 1 here . " Well Sornin , I 'm beginning to think that everyone in Dralin has decided to become honest today . " Pelya grinned as she leaned against a lamppost on the sidewalk . Activity bustled along the street and a breeze lazily carried the sounds of the city through the air . Sornin responded with a snort . Brown hair framed his narrow face and he always wore a severe expression . Pelya trusted him implicitly though , especially since he had protected her back more than once , as she had his . " You shouldn 't ask for trouble , Pelya . Our shift 's only half done . There 'll be plenty to go around at some point or another . " He straightened the collar of a polished chain shirt that peeked out from underneath the standard - issue black and brown tunic of the Dralin City Guard . " And thinking that everyone stopped committing crimes is pure fantasy . " Their squad was patrolling the Orange Sash District , named after orange sashes worn by perfume - laden prostitutes to mark their profession . Garishly painted bordellos lined the street and women called out from windows to potential clients below . At the moment , they were in the center of the district where the clientele tended towards middle - class workers . Ornate mansions catered to rich customers in the northern section of the district while run - down parlor houses were in the south . Pelya 's sapphire - blue eyes sparkled in the late afternoon sun as checked everyone 's positions . There were six people in her unit , loosely organized , ready for battle if needed . They walked the cobbled street without a specific formation to be less predictable . A month earlier , on her nineteenth birthday , Pelya had become unit leader . Sornin was her unit - buddy and second in charge . The other three units in their squad were within hearing distance of the whistle around her neck , which made a piercing signal that carried over the sounds of the busy streets . Pelya had spent her entire life in Dralin , raised by her father in the barracks of the City Guard . She had taken to the sword as soon as she could lift it and was currently the youngest swordmaster in the Guard . It was what she had striven for , but recently she had come to regret that decision . Everywhere Pelya looked , people suffered . Dralin had more crime than anywhere else in the world from what she had been told . Patrolling the streets had made her believe it . She couldn 't count how many murders she had helped investigate in the last year and that number didn 't compare to kidnappings and disappearances . She looked around at the lurid buildings . What couldn 't be seen from the street was the corruption that resulted in innocent young women being conscripted by criminal predators . There were more gangs in Dralin than the City Guard could handle . The best that could be done was to hold crime at bay so that it didn 't completely overrun the citizens . It wasn 't enough for Pelya , but she didn 't know how to do more . A group of men shouting nearby broke her out of her reverie . They were exchanging bawdry comments with a group of prostitutes on a balcony . There was nothing that needed to be done . Thus far , the shift had started more peacefully than any she could remember . The weather was pleasant with the heat of summer gone . Rainfall the day before had washed much of the normal pollution into the gutters , leaving the smog lighter than usual . Fall colors covered the trees and the threat of winter was still far away . Pelya looked up at the puffy clouds in the sky and stretched . " Does your father know Captain Fallamer has you stationed in the Orange Sash ? " Yobi , a veteran Guardsman , asked . " Yes . He 's mad about it too . But he needs to understand that he can 't protect me from doing my job . " Pelya remembered the yelling match they had about it the week before . Yobi shook his head in amazement . " I wouldn 't want to cross him . I like working for Captain Fallamer , but she 's crazy for giving you this assignment . " Joll , his unit - buddy , smacked Yobi on the shoulder with the back of her hand . " Watch what you say . " Joll was a short , young woman who was intimidated by Pelya 's six - foot frame . " Daddy unnerves most people , although it is a bad idea to cross him . " Pelya winked , more than happy to protect her father 's reputation . She didn 't like Joll much ; the woman wouldn 't look her in the eye . A muffled scream seized their attention . Joll pointed down a side street . " A woman , taken into the alley by a group of thugs ! " Before she finished speaking , they all had their swords drawn and ready . Not far down the street was a carriage with a broken wheel . The driver who was checking the wheel saw them coming and took off in the other direction . Pelya shouted orders as they dashed toward the alley . " Leave him . Watch for surprises ! Protect each other ! " Pelya gave her whistle two sharp tweets and a long one to let the other units in the squad know that they were investigating trouble . Pelya led the rush forward . When they reached the grimy door , two of her unit stepped to either side and prepared for entrance . Sornin tossed a runeball that would detect if there were wards on the door . It floated in front of the doorway for a moment , shining with a greenish light as it spun and did its magic . All was clear . Pelya let her eyes grow accustomed to the gloom as she moved inside a short hall with chipped paint on the worn walls . She headed toward a door at the end , forgoing the two on the sides . Sornin , entering behind her , signaled for the others to be ready for battle . They advanced in staggered formation . Sornin tossed the runeball at the door . It flashed with red light as it drew in magical energy before disintegrating . Detecting and disarming the ward had used up its enchantment . Sornin and Pelya exchanged worried glances . Red light indicated an alarm ward . Even though it was disarmed , anyone inside would know someone was at the door . Pelya felt uneasy about walking into a certain ambush , but the circumstances required instant action . With another well - placed kick , she broke down the door . Sornin dashed in with Pelya right behind . They moved to either side of the doorway leaving a path for the rest of the unit to enter . Ten fighters waited for them in the surprisingly large room . The sight of expensive furnishings made it clear to Pelya that this was a place for criminal operations . In contrast to the hallway outside , the walls had fresh paint , tapestries and expensive carpets . A blonde man standing behind a desk glared at the intruders as though they were flies on his dinner . He wore a fancy purple shirt , black pants and a fine sword at the hip . Two men next to the desk held the kidnapped woman . The fighters lifted their swords higher and crouched , ready for battle . Pelya realized they would fight , an undesirable outcome . " No one needs to get hurt ! We just have questions . " Joll and Yobi came through the door and moved forward , making space for the last two in the unit . Pelya and Sornin realized why the fighters were holding back . " Magic ! " they both shouted . In unison , Pelya 's unit cast fast protective spells , taught as standard training in the Guard . It would complement protections already built into their uniforms . They were just in time , saving them from the effects of the woman 's spell . Pelya drew and threw a knife made to pierce magical defenses . The wizardess had already begun another spell and wasn 't able to dodge the flying blade as it pierced her throat . The gathered energy burst and sent her lifeless body flying against the wall . Five , Pelya thought to herself . That was how many people she had killed in her life , a number she hated . She blew two sharp bursts on her whistle , the signal that they were engaging in battle . Pelya prayed the sound would reach the rest of the squad outside . The battle began . Their foes were not amateurs , but few people were good enough to match a member of Dralin 's Guard . Pelya had two men to deal with immediately . Her sword darted through the air faster than her opponents could parry . One fell . Six , a number she hated more than five . She stalled the other man with rapid parries . Joll was down and would never get up again . The rest were hard pressed . Two more foes engaged Pelya . She finished off the one she had stalled , seven , and focused on the next . A quick move here and another there , the two were wounded . Pelya reevaluated the unit 's situation and realized another of her unit was down . As she killed another attacker , eight , Albin , a third member of her unit also fell . Sornin and Yobi stood with her against the three hardened fighters that remained , their friends lying dead next to the fallen Guardmembers . The blonde man moved forward , Albin 's blood dripping from his blade . Ruthless brown eyes took measure of the intruders . His nostrils flared as he closed the distance . It was against policy for every member of a unit to die . At least one of them had return to the squad and report the incident . " Report , Yobi ! Now ! " Pelya yelled . Yobi took the order and went through the doorway , but three fighters waiting in the hall blocked him . Sornin hastened to help clear the escape route . Pelya stood in the doorway and protected their retreat . The stranger with the hard eyes was in front of Pelya . His sword clashed against hers . Sparks of light and color flashed , showing that both blades contained magic . He was a swordmaster and his enchanted blade effortlessly met every stroke of hers . Her thrusts and parries became more desperate with each blow . She tumbled to the side , coming up for better position . One of the other fighters attempted to take advantage of the move . A fast dodge put her behind the man . She pushed him forward . Without blinking , the swordmaster ran the man through and shoved him to the ground . The swordmaster 's blade met hers again with a supernatural speed . Closer and closer it came , as though the blade itself wished to drink of her blood . He focused on Pelya with intensity , never giving her an opening . There was power and experience in his arm . He had spent more time wielding a sword than she . Pelya sensed movement behind her . She nimbly rolled out of danger . A wicked thrust missed her back . Pelya sprang from the roll just in time to see the mysterious swordmaster kill the treacherous fighter for interfering in his battle . Pain stung Pelya 's cheek as she jerked her head back and tumbled away . The swordmaster 's blade was sharp . Pelya ignored the blood flowing down the side of her face and attacked . The swordmaster smiled cruelly as he parried the blows . Time slowed even more as their blades clashed repeatedly , neither gaining the advantage . The warmth on Pelya 's back increased , spreading into her bones . Shadows watched intently . They separated . The swordmaster rolled toward the desk while Pelya rolled toward the door . For an instant , the opponents stared with the intensity of suns , memorizing every detail about each other . Everything was surreal as she turned to face him . Normalcy came rushing in , causing her to stagger . The heat on her back and in her bones lessened . The shadows slipped into themselves . Squad Sergeant Herman Melvor appeared next to her and grabbed her arm in concern . " Pelya . Are you alright ? You 're bleed . . . By the Gods . . . Your cuts are disappearing ! What healing magic is that ? " Pelya 's jaw clenched shut . The dragon mark on her back prevented her from speaking . It had slowed time and improved her reflexes during the battle . Now it healed her wounds , but it also prevented her from talking about it . She and her friend Ebudae had received the marks at the age of eleven after saving the child of a dragon . Most of the time she didn 't even remember it was there , so insidious was the geas that prevented her from revealing its presence . Squad Corporal Jecks touched fingers to Pelya 's sword in a calming motion . " I 've never seen anyone move so fast , you or him . " Concern lit his grey eyes and filled his thick voice . His uniform was immaculate as always . He did everything by the book . Squad Sergeant Melvor was average height with brown hair , unremarkable in most ways , which made him dangerous because his opponents tended to dismiss or underestimate him . Added to that , he fought dirty . He had helped Pelya 's father raise her and she normally called him Uncle Herman . His brown eyes showed that he wanted to protect her , but he was being professional . " Report , Unit Leader , " It helped . Pelya 's jaw unlocked and she relayed the details of the incident . " The unit heard a woman scream and began pursuit of two men who were dragging that woman into an alley . " Pelya pointed at the woman who was still sobbing into the shoulder of a Guardsman . The Guardsman looked at Sergeant Melvor with pleading eyes . " We saw them enter this building . " Pelya paused , still breathing hard from exertion . " After Sornin checked the door for wards , I broke it down and led my unit into the building . I whistled . . . " " I didn 't , " Pelya said with a sinking feeling in her stomach . She remembered the fighters who had come behind them . " My instincts told me the woman was in this room and that we needed to get to her as fast as possible . " " There were ten armed fighters in the room , a wizard , the two kidnappers , the kidnapped woman and the man I was fighting . " Pelya stared at the secret door . The squad wizard still hadn 't figured it out . One of the Guardsmen examining the bodies of the fighters stood and came over . " A few of these fighters were once soldiers from the Kingdom of Deller . I recognize tattoos on the base of the neck given to everyone who joins their army . Theirs have additional marks to indicate that they were discharged dishonorably . " " No , Sergeant . Sornin called for them to put away their weapons and I told them we just wanted to ask questions , but the wizardess cast a spell at us . " Pelya pointed at the body . " We warded ourselves , which protected us from the first spell . I didn 't know if the wards would hold up against another . " " You made a good decision , " Sergeant Melvor said . " Getting word to the squad was priority . And I 'd trust Pelya to guard my back any day . " He smiled at Pelya and squeezed her shoulder . Pelya resisted an urge to hug him . " That swordmaster attacked me next and all my time was spent battling him . He killed two of his own men , one to get to me , the other because the fighter tried to kill me . " " He carried himself like a duelist , " Private Wibben said . " I 've seen the type . They 're everywhere in Deller . Although he was better than any I 've seen . " Wibben shook his head . " No . I 'm from Obda to the north of Deller . Their soldiers make a nuisance of themselves and occasionally come to border towns for drinking and wenching . " He looked at Pelya . " I 've never seen anyone move as fast as either of you . There was magic involved . " Pelya 's jaw clenched shut again . She couldn 't talk about the dragon mark . With a deft switch of thought , she remembered the swordmaster 's weapon . Her jaw unlocked . " He had a magical blade , superior to the standard Guard issue . " She patted the sword at her side . It wasn 't standard , having been a gift from Gilron Coodmur , the Guard 's weaponmaster , but it looked like one and few knew otherwise . " If it makes him move faster , it 's a powerful enchantment . " Jecks looked suspiciously at Pelya . " How did you move so fast , Pelya ? " Her jaw didn 't lock , almost as though the mark trusted her not to reveal its presence . She rewarded its faith by deflecting the corporal 's question . " I don 't think his sword was just magical . I could feel it studying me , testing me . I think it may have had a name . " The statement drew gasps . Magical weapons and other items were common , especially in Dralin , but a named item meant it had a soul . It could think and influence the person that owned it . They were incredibly powerful , priceless and dangerous . She gathered loose strands of her auburn hair and put them in a makeshift ponytail . " I did my best to fight them off , but they were too strong . They killed my personal guards . " She looked at a rip in the sleeve of her dress . " Mother 's going to kill me for ruining this dress . " Hope lit the woman 's face . " That might actually work . " She came over and wrapped Pelya in a hug , nearly suffocating her with the heavy scent of jasmine perfume . " Thank you for saving my life . I saw your unit just before they dragged me into the alley . It took all of my strength to get the hand away from my mouth long enough to scream . " She stood back and looked up at Pelya . " I will see to it that you are rewarded . Mother will want to meet you . " Pelya didn 't like that idea . The High Council was the ruling body of Dralin and outranked even the Grand Assembly responsible for running the country of Altordan . The twelve chancellors of the High Council were the most powerful people in the kingdom and it wasn 't wise to attract their attention , good or bad . The woman sighed and shook her head . " Of course you don 't want to meet her . Nobody wants anything to do with her or me . What 's your name , anyway ? " Surprise crossed the woman 's face . " I 'm Yancy . " She turned to look at the rest of the room and shuddered . " Why am I still here ? There are so many dead people . " " Finish gathering evidence , " Sergeant Melvor ordered Corporal Jecks . " The messengers I sent should have reached Captain Fallamer . She 'll be here soon . I want everything ready to present to her . " He then followed Pelya and the others into the alley . " The captain will want to speak to you Lady Divathia . We 'll arrange to get you home just as soon as possible . " A full squad of Guardmembers jogged into the alley , led by a female officer with short , red hair . Her thin eyebrows furrowed in a frown at seeing Pelya , but she turned to Melvor . " Report , Sergeant . " Yancy gasped and covered her mouth with both hands . " I 'm so sorry ! I didn 't mean it that way . It 's just that . . . everyone calls you that . . . I mean . . . that 's not what I mean . . . " She threw her hands up in frustration . " I 've messed up again . I 'll never learn . Everyone hates me . I 'm so stupid ! " Pelya set aside her personal feelings . " I have no idea whether or not you 're stupid , but I won 't hold it against you if you are . " She grinned at the look of shock on Yancy 's face . " Oh . . . " Yancy laughed . " I like you , and I 'm sorry I called you a Guard Brat . " She paused and put a hand on her chin . " Mother doesn 't approve of you though . That 's a problem . " " Yes , well I 'm used to people not approving of me , " Pelya said in disgust . " I don 't care , even if your mother is a member of the High Council . I don 't care what anyone thinks of me or of my father for raising me in the Guard . " It was a sore spot with her and to know that her life was discussed even within the High Council was offensive . " No . I 'm just tired and I killed . . . " Pelya stared back at the doorway , remembering the bodies of the men and the death of her unit mates . " Please don 't talk about it . I want to be brave , but I . . . I 've never seen anyone die until now . " Yancy was pale as a ghost and looked about ready to faint . " Lady Yancy Divathia ? " Captain Fallamer came up beside Pelya . " I 'm giving you a carriage to take you home . It will be here shortly . It 's my understanding that you wish Unit Leader Jornin to escort you ? "

I find myself trying to figure out how she thought to put all those notes together . Was it difficult for her ? To me , it 's like magic . I 'm so thankful for musicians who play their music for us . But I wonder how they make it happen . How can they see such things ? I 've tried playing guitar . I can 't even get notes if I push down on strings on the fret bar . It just doesn 't make sense to me . Painters are another type of artist that I 'm astonished by . They take oil or watercolor and spread them on canvas . When they 're done , there 's a scene that pulls at the imagination . How did they get that paint in exactly those blends to make it work ? Much like painters , Illustrators drop lines onto paper . Those lines add up to make an amazing picture . Add some color and you have a beautiful scene that I can stare at for hours , wondering what it would be like . I try to do this . My lines are shaky and out of order . The image in my mind is translated into a stick figure with a messed up face . Crafters I watch my wife make her jewelry . I think about others that crochet , sculpt , sew and design buildings . These people have a vision and use their hands to make it ? How do they do such things ? My wife took gears and chain . She made a steampunk necklace that everyone wanted with those items . She took buttons and made them into jewelry . She puts beads together to make decorative chandeliers . She makes chainmail earrings . How does she see these things ? If I try it , I get a string of beads that will likely break . I 'm not even going to try to crochet or design a building ! As I said , I was editing my book . You see , this is the 6th novel I 've written . I find myself smiling as I read . I 'm excited for the next paragraph , the next chapter and the end of the book , even though I know I 'm going to cry yet again . Writing is an art , no ? I see so many struggle with it . Some try to start and get as far as a page before stopping and saying , " This is too hard . " Don 't they see the worlds expanding before them ? Don 't they know about all the characters yearning to tell their stories ? It 's all right there . Can 't they simply put the words down on paper ? Learn the craft of writing , making sentences , using punctuation ? How do they not understand how enjoyable it is ? Worlds open for me when I write . I smile and craft sentences to bring characters to life . It 's incredibly easy , especially now . The problem is that there just isn 't enough time to write all the stories in my mind . For other artists ? Is it that easy to create music , paint a picture , craft a necklace ? Do those things desire to be created by other artists the way my stories do for me ? If so , I nod in understanding at how you must feel . I admire you for what you do . Most importantly , I thank you for sharing that art with the world . Well , I was writing a description of a room as I do quite often in my books . I got to the part about how the room was lit . It 's in a temple of the Goddess of Sunshine . So the room is lit by globes of divine light . Then I wondered how the globes stayed lit and realized I had no clue . So instead of making up a technique , I had one of my characters muse about it . This is what I wrote . It 's told from the viewpoint of Frath and it 's in ' Pelya ' , the third book of the Dralin Trilogy . Well , I came to the realization that I have to know how every scene is lit . It occured to me to wonder if other authors are the same way , or if it 's just me . In any case , I decided to list some of the ways I use to light areas . Outside during the day , it 's pretty easy . There 's a sun shining ( providing your world has a sun , which mine does . However , I often adjust that light with clouds , fog , dawn , dusk , rain , snow and various other weather affects . The climate and vegetation affect it as well . Trees provide shade , sunlight is harsh in the desert , winter sunlight is less effective at keeping a person warm . Those things can affect the mood of the daylight and alter the impressions of your readers . Nighttime has a lot of options for adjusting light . My world has two moons , Siahray is blue - green and Piohray is red . When both of them are full , they cast a lavender light upon the night . I can adjust the mood of a scene by having one full or not there at all to create a specific mood . Well , the most common artificial in a fantasy setting is going to be fire . A campfire in the wilderness or a fire in the hearth at home are very common . The source of fuel , such as wood in the forest or cow patties in the steppes needs to be considered as well . Fire will be less common in the desert where there is little easy fuel . In cities , a torch , essentially rags on a stick dipped in pitch , is going to be the easiest light . However , it doesn 't last all that long and isn 't very bright . It 's great for adding to mystery though . The guttering flames ( torches always have guttering flames ) cast lots of shadows and allow for things to come out of the murk . ( murk is the darkness beyond torchlight . Icky things hide there ) Another option is candles . They are very dim and can be held for hope , always slim when you only have a candle . They can be all colors and more of them will more light . You can also add candleholders , which are a nice addition to decorating a room . Candles flicker as opposed to the guttering of torches . Lanterns and kerosene lamps are a more advance option of man - made light . They use liquid fuel with a wick and can hold a light for hours . On lampposts in a city , they can give the impression of technological advancement or wealth . You can always put a candle in a lantern for a different sort of effect . The glass of the lantern can help protect the candle from wind . Oriental lanterns are often made of paper with designs on them if you 'd like to add an Eastern theme to your story . In truth , these natural lights were rare in historical times in our world . Candles and torches require materials and work to make . Not all people had those materials or even had time to do the work involved . When the sun went down , it was very dark . The lack of light can be especially useful in creating fear . I 've found that I almost always give my characters light . Ahh , now that 's the fun part . Ryallon is a high - magic world , so I can create technology - equivalent lighting . The civilizations in my world range from barbaric to near - Victorian . I use magical or fantasy elements to generate different types of light . I also have underground caverns that contain luminescent plants . I 'll list some excerpts from my books to show the different ways light is provided in Ryallon . He followed them into the vacant building , ducking along the wall after entering the doorway . A small blue flame appeared from Liselle 's hand . She lifted it into the air and let it float above them as they looked around the room . Bioluminescent plants , from " Anilyia " : The temperature became cooler as the party traveled deeper into the ground . Soon plants began to appear on the walls and ceiling . The plants were rich with oxygen , which made it possible to breathe the air . Bioluminescent fluids creeped through the plants , creating light . It was similar to the glowflies in the forest , but much more powerful . They were different from plants on the surface . Their powerful roots dug deep into the rock , but at the same time secured the stone so that ribs and braces were no longer needed to keep the tunnel secure . Round globe lights hung from various trees to light the city at night . He had asked one of the Druids how they were lit . The Druid told him that a specific type of nectar , which attracted glowflies , was placed inside . More of that nectar was added every evening and the glowflies would spend the entire night on their feast , lighting the city in the process . Between the thickness of the forest and the clouds above , it was dim enough for some of the globes to give off a soft light while they waited for lunch . Two lanterns shone with a magical glow on the main deck and one on the aft deck to go with the gentle illumination of the bell . The mild creaking of wood and flap of sails was soothing . Tathan could see ocean below and the lights of a port village a short distance ahead through the light snow . " The candles are lit . " She pointed at iron candleholders lined along the wall and at tables with stepped shelves to either side of the statue . They all had candles with violet flames that flickered dimly , making the shadows dance slowly . A mat was on the floor inside and he wiped his feet off to reduce the chance of bootprints . Magical torches flickering with bright pink flames lined a long hallway . Frath did not want to sneak around in a wizard 's house , but the shadows beckoned . He observed that they always seemed more substantial when cast by magical light . Ebudae stood and concentrated on a four - pillar candleholder above the fireplace . Pelya recognized a spell was going to be cast and gave the wizardess space . The spell was simple , barely rustling her silken locks , but choosing what candles to light took focus . Ebudae whispered the words of a spell and made precise gestures with her outstretched hands . Yellow - green flames came to life . At the same time , candles throughout the manor lit with the same flames . She left the bedrooms and storage rooms dark , but lit all the common areas . Lady Pallon normally had servants light the lanterns to make it bright , but Ebudae loved the mysterious and eerie light filling the room and hallway beyond . " There , now it 's not dark . " She smiled triumphantly as she turned back to her guests . Those are just some of the ways I use lighting in my stories . Nearly every scene in my books use light to adjust the reader 's opinion of what 's happening . I like variety in color and types . Each wizard has their own preferred color as well . Liselle is blue and Ebudae is yellow - green for example . However , that was after I had edited it once . I set my books aside for two months . During that time , I let beta readers go through it . Then I pick it up and go through it with a fine tooth comb . I add stuff and take away stuff . The story basically stays the same , but the quality is better , sometimes drastically . I 'm posting the finalized version of chapter 1 here . " Well Sornin , I 'm beginning to think that everyone in Dralin has decided to become honest today . " Pelya grinned as she leaned against a lamppost on the sidewalk . Activity bustled along the street and a breeze lazily carried the sounds of the city through the air . Sornin responded with a snort . Brown hair framed his narrow face and he always wore a severe expression . Pelya trusted him implicitly though , especially since he had protected her back more than once , as she had his . " You shouldn 't ask for trouble , Pelya . Our shift 's only half done . There 'll be plenty to go around at some point or another . " He straightened the collar of a polished chain shirt that peeked out from underneath the standard - issue black and brown tunic of the Dralin City Guard . " And thinking that everyone stopped committing crimes is pure fantasy . " Their squad was patrolling the Orange Sash District , named after orange sashes worn by perfume - laden prostitutes to mark their profession . Garishly painted bordellos lined the street and women called out from windows to potential clients below . At the moment , they were in the center of the district where the clientele tended towards middle - class workers . Ornate mansions catered to rich customers in the northern section of the district while run - down parlor houses were in the south . Pelya 's sapphire - blue eyes sparkled in the late afternoon sun as checked everyone 's positions . There were six people in her unit , loosely organized , ready for battle if needed . They walked the cobbled street without a specific formation to be less predictable . A month earlier , on her nineteenth birthday , Pelya had become unit leader . Sornin was her unit - buddy and second in charge . The other three units in their squad were within hearing distance of the whistle around her neck , which made a piercing signal that carried over the sounds of the busy streets . Pelya had spent her entire life in Dralin , raised by her father in the barracks of the City Guard . She had taken to the sword as soon as she could lift it and was currently the youngest swordmaster in the Guard . It was what she had striven for , but recently she had come to regret that decision . Everywhere Pelya looked , people suffered . Dralin had more crime than anywhere else in the world from what she had been told . Patrolling the streets had made her believe it . She couldn 't count how many murders she had helped investigate in the last year and that number didn 't compare to kidnappings and disappearances . She looked around at the lurid buildings . What couldn 't be seen from the street was the corruption that resulted in innocent young women being conscripted by criminal predators . There were more gangs in Dralin than the City Guard could handle . The best that could be done was to hold crime at bay so that it didn 't completely overrun the citizens . It wasn 't enough for Pelya , but she didn 't know how to do more . A group of men shouting nearby broke her out of her reverie . They were exchanging bawdry comments with a group of prostitutes on a balcony . There was nothing that needed to be done . Thus far , the shift had started more peacefully than any she could remember . The weather was pleasant with the heat of summer gone . Rainfall the day before had washed much of the normal pollution into the gutters , leaving the smog lighter than usual . Fall colors covered the trees and the threat of winter was still far away . Pelya looked up at the puffy clouds in the sky and stretched . " Does your father know Captain Fallamer has you stationed in the Orange Sash ? " Yobi , a veteran Guardsman , asked . " Yes . He 's mad about it too . But he needs to understand that he can 't protect me from doing my job . " Pelya remembered the yelling match they had about it the week before . Yobi shook his head in amazement . " I wouldn 't want to cross him . I like working for Captain Fallamer , but she 's crazy for giving you this assignment . " Joll , his unit - buddy , smacked Yobi on the shoulder with the back of her hand . " Watch what you say . " Joll was a short , young woman who was intimidated by Pelya 's six - foot frame . " Daddy unnerves most people , although it is a bad idea to cross him . " Pelya winked , more than happy to protect her father 's reputation . She didn 't like Joll much ; the woman wouldn 't look her in the eye . A muffled scream seized their attention . Joll pointed down a side street . " A woman , taken into the alley by a group of thugs ! " Before she finished speaking , they all had their swords drawn and ready . Not far down the street was a carriage with a broken wheel . The driver who was checking the wheel saw them coming and took off in the other direction . Pelya shouted orders as they dashed toward the alley . " Leave him . Watch for surprises ! Protect each other ! " Pelya gave her whistle two sharp tweets and a long one to let the other units in the squad know that they were investigating trouble . Pelya led the rush forward . When they reached the grimy door , two of her unit stepped to either side and prepared for entrance . Sornin tossed a runeball that would detect if there were wards on the door . It floated in front of the doorway for a moment , shining with a greenish light as it spun and did its magic . All was clear . Pelya let her eyes grow accustomed to the gloom as she moved inside a short hall with chipped paint on the worn walls . She headed toward a door at the end , forgoing the two on the sides . Sornin , entering behind her , signaled for the others to be ready for battle . They advanced in staggered formation . Sornin tossed the runeball at the door . It flashed with red light as it drew in magical energy before disintegrating . Detecting and disarming the ward had used up its enchantment . Sornin and Pelya exchanged worried glances . Red light indicated an alarm ward . Even though it was disarmed , anyone inside would know someone was at the door . Pelya felt uneasy about walking into a certain ambush , but the circumstances required instant action . With another well - placed kick , she broke down the door . Sornin dashed in with Pelya right behind . They moved to either side of the doorway leaving a path for the rest of the unit to enter . Ten fighters waited for them in the surprisingly large room . The sight of expensive furnishings made it clear to Pelya that this was a place for criminal operations . In contrast to the hallway outside , the walls had fresh paint , tapestries and expensive carpets . A blonde man standing behind a desk glared at the intruders as though they were flies on his dinner . He wore a fancy purple shirt , black pants and a fine sword at the hip . Two men next to the desk held the kidnapped woman . The fighters lifted their swords higher and crouched , ready for battle . Pelya realized they would fight , an undesirable outcome . " No one needs to get hurt ! We just have questions . " Joll and Yobi came through the door and moved forward , making space for the last two in the unit . Pelya and Sornin realized why the fighters were holding back . " Magic ! " they both shouted . In unison , Pelya 's unit cast fast protective spells , taught as standard training in the Guard . It would complement protections already built into their uniforms . They were just in time , saving them from the effects of the woman 's spell . Pelya drew and threw a knife made to pierce magical defenses . The wizardess had already begun another spell and wasn 't able to dodge the flying blade as it pierced her throat . The gathered energy burst and sent her lifeless body flying against the wall . Five , Pelya thought to herself . That was how many people she had killed in her life , a number she hated . She blew two sharp bursts on her whistle , the signal that they were engaging in battle . Pelya prayed the sound would reach the rest of the squad outside . The battle began . Their foes were not amateurs , but few people were good enough to match a member of Dralin 's Guard . Pelya had two men to deal with immediately . Her sword darted through the air faster than her opponents could parry . One fell . Six , a number she hated more than five . She stalled the other man with rapid parries . Joll was down and would never get up again . The rest were hard pressed . Two more foes engaged Pelya . She finished off the one she had stalled , seven , and focused on the next . A quick move here and another there , the two were wounded . Pelya reevaluated the unit 's situation and realized another of her unit was down . As she killed another attacker , eight , Albin , a third member of her unit also fell . Sornin and Yobi stood with her against the three hardened fighters that remained , their friends lying dead next to the fallen Guardmembers . The blonde man moved forward , Albin 's blood dripping from his blade . Ruthless brown eyes took measure of the intruders . His nostrils flared as he closed the distance . It was against policy for every member of a unit to die . At least one of them had return to the squad and report the incident . " Report , Yobi ! Now ! " Pelya yelled . Yobi took the order and went through the doorway , but three fighters waiting in the hall blocked him . Sornin hastened to help clear the escape route . Pelya stood in the doorway and protected their retreat . The stranger with the hard eyes was in front of Pelya . His sword clashed against hers . Sparks of light and color flashed , showing that both blades contained magic . He was a swordmaster and his enchanted blade effortlessly met every stroke of hers . Her thrusts and parries became more desperate with each blow . She tumbled to the side , coming up for better position . One of the other fighters attempted to take advantage of the move . A fast dodge put her behind the man . She pushed him forward . Without blinking , the swordmaster ran the man through and shoved him to the ground . The swordmaster 's blade met hers again with a supernatural speed . Closer and closer it came , as though the blade itself wished to drink of her blood . He focused on Pelya with intensity , never giving her an opening . There was power and experience in his arm . He had spent more time wielding a sword than she . Pelya sensed movement behind her . She nimbly rolled out of danger . A wicked thrust missed her back . Pelya sprang from the roll just in time to see the mysterious swordmaster kill the treacherous fighter for interfering in his battle . Pain stung Pelya 's cheek as she jerked her head back and tumbled away . The swordmaster 's blade was sharp . Pelya ignored the blood flowing down the side of her face and attacked . The swordmaster smiled cruelly as he parried the blows . Time slowed even more as their blades clashed repeatedly , neither gaining the advantage . The warmth on Pelya 's back increased , spreading into her bones . Shadows watched intently . They separated . The swordmaster rolled toward the desk while Pelya rolled toward the door . For an instant , the opponents stared with the intensity of suns , memorizing every detail about each other . Everything was surreal as she turned to face him . Normalcy came rushing in , causing her to stagger . The heat on her back and in her bones lessened . The shadows slipped into themselves . Squad Sergeant Herman Melvor appeared next to her and grabbed her arm in concern . " Pelya . Are you alright ? You 're bleed . . . By the Gods . . . Your cuts are disappearing ! What healing magic is that ? " Pelya 's jaw clenched shut . The dragon mark on her back prevented her from speaking . It had slowed time and improved her reflexes during the battle . Now it healed her wounds , but it also prevented her from talking about it . She and her friend Ebudae had received the marks at the age of eleven after saving the child of a dragon . Most of the time she didn 't even remember it was there , so insidious was the geas that prevented her from revealing its presence . Squad Corporal Jecks touched fingers to Pelya 's sword in a calming motion . " I 've never seen anyone move so fast , you or him . " Concern lit his grey eyes and filled his thick voice . His uniform was immaculate as always . He did everything by the book . Squad Sergeant Melvor was average height with brown hair , unremarkable in most ways , which made him dangerous because his opponents tended to dismiss or underestimate him . Added to that , he fought dirty . He had helped Pelya 's father raise her and she normally called him Uncle Herman . His brown eyes showed that he wanted to protect her , but he was being professional . " Report , Unit Leader , " It helped . Pelya 's jaw unlocked and she relayed the details of the incident . " The unit heard a woman scream and began pursuit of two men who were dragging that woman into an alley . " Pelya pointed at the woman who was still sobbing into the shoulder of a Guardsman . The Guardsman looked at Sergeant Melvor with pleading eyes . " We saw them enter this building . " Pelya paused , still breathing hard from exertion . " After Sornin checked the door for wards , I broke it down and led my unit into the building . I whistled . . . " " I didn 't , " Pelya said with a sinking feeling in her stomach . She remembered the fighters who had come behind them . " My instincts told me the woman was in this room and that we needed to get to her as fast as possible . " " There were ten armed fighters in the room , a wizard , the two kidnappers , the kidnapped woman and the man I was fighting . " Pelya stared at the secret door . The squad wizard still hadn 't figured it out . One of the Guardsmen examining the bodies of the fighters stood and came over . " A few of these fighters were once soldiers from the Kingdom of Deller . I recognize tattoos on the base of the neck given to everyone who joins their army . Theirs have additional marks to indicate that they were discharged dishonorably . " " No , Sergeant . Sornin called for them to put away their weapons and I told them we just wanted to ask questions , but the wizardess cast a spell at us . " Pelya pointed at the body . " We warded ourselves , which protected us from the first spell . I didn 't know if the wards would hold up against another . " " You made a good decision , " Sergeant Melvor said . " Getting word to the squad was priority . And I 'd trust Pelya to guard my back any day . " He smiled at Pelya and squeezed her shoulder . Pelya resisted an urge to hug him . " That swordmaster attacked me next and all my time was spent battling him . He killed two of his own men , one to get to me , the other because the fighter tried to kill me . " " He carried himself like a duelist , " Private Wibben said . " I 've seen the type . They 're everywhere in Deller . Although he was better than any I 've seen . " Wibben shook his head . " No . I 'm from Obda to the north of Deller . Their soldiers make a nuisance of themselves and occasionally come to border towns for drinking and wenching . " He looked at Pelya . " I 've never seen anyone move as fast as either of you . There was magic involved . " Pelya 's jaw clenched shut again . She couldn 't talk about the dragon mark . With a deft switch of thought , she remembered the swordmaster 's weapon . Her jaw unlocked . " He had a magical blade , superior to the standard Guard issue . " She patted the sword at her side . It wasn 't standard , having been a gift from Gilron Coodmur , the Guard 's weaponmaster , but it looked like one and few knew otherwise . " If it makes him move faster , it 's a powerful enchantment . " Jecks looked suspiciously at Pelya . " How did you move so fast , Pelya ? " Her jaw didn 't lock , almost as though the mark trusted her not to reveal its presence . She rewarded its faith by deflecting the corporal 's question . " I don 't think his sword was just magical . I could feel it studying me , testing me . I think it may have had a name . " The statement drew gasps . Magical weapons and other items were common , especially in Dralin , but a named item meant it had a soul . It could think and influence the person that owned it . They were incredibly powerful , priceless and dangerous . She gathered loose strands of her auburn hair and put them in a makeshift ponytail . " I did my best to fight them off , but they were too strong . They killed my personal guards . " She looked at a rip in the sleeve of her dress . " Mother 's going to kill me for ruining this dress . " Hope lit the woman 's face . " That might actually work . " She came over and wrapped Pelya in a hug , nearly suffocating her with the heavy scent of jasmine perfume . " Thank you for saving my life . I saw your unit just before they dragged me into the alley . It took all of my strength to get the hand away from my mouth long enough to scream . " She stood back and looked up at Pelya . " I will see to it that you are rewarded . Mother will want to meet you . " Pelya didn 't like that idea . The High Council was the ruling body of Dralin and outranked even the Grand Assembly responsible for running the country of Altordan . The twelve chancellors of the High Council were the most powerful people in the kingdom and it wasn 't wise to attract their attention , good or bad . The woman sighed and shook her head . " Of course you don 't want to meet her . Nobody wants anything to do with her or me . What 's your name , anyway ? " Surprise crossed the woman 's face . " I 'm Yancy . " She turned to look at the rest of the room and shuddered . " Why am I still here ? There are so many dead people . " " Finish gathering evidence , " Sergeant Melvor ordered Corporal Jecks . " The messengers I sent should have reached Captain Fallamer . She 'll be here soon . I want everything ready to present to her . " He then followed Pelya and the others into the alley . " The captain will want to speak to you Lady Divathia . We 'll arrange to get you home just as soon as possible . " A full squad of Guardmembers jogged into the alley , led by a female officer with short , red hair . Her thin eyebrows furrowed in a frown at seeing Pelya , but she turned to Melvor . " Report , Sergeant . " Yancy gasped and covered her mouth with both hands . " I 'm so sorry ! I didn 't mean it that way . It 's just that . . . everyone calls you that . . . I mean . . . that 's not what I mean . . . " She threw her hands up in frustration . " I 've messed up again . I 'll never learn . Everyone hates me . I 'm so stupid ! " Pelya set aside her personal feelings . " I have no idea whether or not you 're stupid , but I won 't hold it against you if you are . " She grinned at the look of shock on Yancy 's face . " Oh . . . " Yancy laughed . " I like you , and I 'm sorry I called you a Guard Brat . " She paused and put a hand on her chin . " Mother doesn 't approve of you though . That 's a problem . " " Yes , well I 'm used to people not approving of me , " Pelya said in disgust . " I don 't care , even if your mother is a member of the High Council . I don 't care what anyone thinks of me or of my father for raising me in the Guard . " It was a sore spot with her and to know that her life was discussed even within the High Council was offensive . " No . I 'm just tired and I killed . . . " Pelya stared back at the doorway , remembering the bodies of the men and the death of her unit mates . " Please don 't talk about it . I want to be brave , but I . . . I 've never seen anyone die until now . " Yancy was pale as a ghost and looked about ready to faint . " Lady Yancy Divathia ? " Captain Fallamer came up beside Pelya . " I 'm giving you a carriage to take you home . It will be here shortly . It 's my understanding that you wish Unit Leader Jornin to escort you ? "

The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year . It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose ; new feet , a new backbone , new ears and new eyes . Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions , he would make no resolutions . Unless a man starts afresh about things , he will certainly do nothing effective . " - G . K . Chesterton Did you make a New Year 's resolution ? Did you start afresh about things or did you shrug your shoulders and insist there was nothing to make Jan . 1 different from the day before it ? There is something about the energy of the first week of a new year that we don 't want to miss . It 's as if the whole world pauses , reflects , seizes hope and then reaches for grace . As the year comes to a close and the frenzy of the Christmas season winds into the last few quiet days of December , as light changes and days grow just a little longer , we stop and we look on the life we lived . It 's nearly as natural as breathing . We can 't stop ourselves ; we must at least glance backward . The introspective ones among us look long and hard and make lists and amendments . We scrutinize and analyze , try to determine what went wrong , and resolve to make it right . Then , something almost magical happens . We envision what could be . Maybe it 's something as simple as a new exercise routine or a new diet . Or maybe it 's big . Maybe it 's an overhaul of one 's own soul , a virtue check , a vice purge . Whatever " it " is , the stage where we imagine is one gigantic venture into hope . Can it really be this way ? Can I really have new feet , a new backbone , new ears , new eyes ? Can I dream a different dream and put those new feet and hands toward making it a reality ? Can we start afresh ? We can . Because we hope . Lord Tennyson wrote : " Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come , whispering , ' It will be happier . ' " It is people of faith who walk through that door . People of faith believe that we can be better than we are on the threshold of the new year . People of faith step out in hope , confident that grace will meet them in the doorway . In the place where hope meets grace , there is God . God is where resolutions become effective . God is where change happens . Grace is the answer to the naysayers , those voices both within and without who say that you cannot start afresh . Grace is the breath of fresh air in April when the resolutions of the new year and even the Lenten promises look like one big heap of failed attempts at perfection . Grace reminds us that His power is made perfect in our weakness and the true growth in holiness is in the soul 's earnest effort . Grace is sufficient . Sufficient ? It 's abundant . It 's true that the turning of a calendar page or the changing of the liturgical season doesn 't suddenly make anything different . The whole point isn 't that the year is new . The point is that we can confidently pen a resolution or two , surrender our will to His , and know that He will make all things new in our souls . She asked it almost urgently , this dear old friend of mine . " What makes you feel like you did your fourth year in college , when you loved what you were doing so much that you couldn 't wait to get out of bed in the morning , that you were so happy during the day it made you sort of sad when it was time to sleep ? What fills your day with Happy ? I know we talk about joy - - that deep down sense of joy that rises above happy and unhappy - - but I want to know about happy right now . What makes you smile and sing ? " Shortly after that glorious year - - the year I taught in Charlottesville , graduated , got married , found myself expecting a baby - - there was the Year of Knowing . I 've tried so hard to tell about that year , tried to share the feeling , the knowing that comes with a cancer diagnosis in one 's twenties . Things stand in stark relief . You really don 't fret the small things . You know beyond a shadow of a doubt what makes you happy and what brings you joy . You understand legacy and you want to shed blessings everywhere . And you don 't waste time . At least that 's the way I felt . It 's still the way I feel . I love these things . They make me happy and they bring me joy . These are things He calls me to do . To nurture . To make a home - - in a place and in my heart . The problem is that my list so often collides with the real world . And the times I try to tell them , to say , please know that isn 't worth the breath it took to complain about it and / or that is so very worth your effort in making it happen , they shake their heads . Perhaps they don 't understand . Perhaps they simply don 't want to stop and think because it can be a bit uncomfortable . But that 's the crazy I bring to this space . I bring the Happy . And I bring the Joy . Sometimes , I wrestle aloud with the unhappy . Mostly though , it 's that list above that finds its way here . I love those things and I like to share those things . I blog my life , as honestly as I possibly can . I bring vocation here . My vocation . My unique call . I love answering that call . I think that when it is our genuine call , we do love it . That 's how He intends it . What I don 't like ? I don 't like the work of self - promotion . Try as I might , I can 't say " Come look at my Happy ! " very effectively . I don 't like marketing . I don 't like networking . But I don 't like networking . That might be for other people , but He doesn 't call me there . So I 'm happy when you find your way here , even when I haven 't gone to tell you that I 'm waiting . I 'm happy to have this place to chronicle my thoughts and illuminate my pictures and share my Joy . And I 'm over the moon when you leave comments . Every form of catechesis would do well to attend to the " way of beauty " ( via pulchritudinis ) . Proclaiming Christ means showing that to believe in and to follow him is not only something right and true , but also something beautiful , capable of filling life with new splendor and profound joy , even in the midst of difficulties . Every expression of true beauty can thus be acknowledged as a path leading to an encounter with the Lord Jesus . I 'm very glad I have this place where I can be unabashedly , head - over - heels in love with a life in pursuit of holiness for Jesus . And still . It doesn 't have to look at all perfect . It 's not a cooking blog , so usually there 's a mistake or two for the first hour or so a recipe is posted , until someone gently points it out . It 's not a knitting blog , so I 'm going to tell you about my latest project for more than a month before I finish it ( or not ) and move on . It 's not a sewing blog . My sewing time is far too short and my skills too new to emulate . It 's not an advice blog . I 'm not going to tell you how to live ; that role will never fit . I can only share how I live : both the good decisions and the ones I regret . It 's not a parenting blog , a speaker 's blog , a homeschooler 's blog , or even an author 's blog . It 's just a happy blog ( mostly ) . Where every day , I share little of my joy and hope it meets you where you are . There 's no platform , no agenda , no grand plan . There 's just me , in joyful pursuit of holy and ( mostly ) finding happy along the way . There are arms wide open to embrace the beauty and to reflect the Creator . There is the wholehearted endeavor to simply be a good wife and mother . There is the tenderness that comes in the moments of brokenness and sorrow . There are the dark threads of the tapestry , the ones upon which the glittering happy tones dance in joyful contrast . With November comes the flurry , then the blizzard , of " holiday " exhortations : Go more , buy more , do more . At first , there are little wisps of messages , soft , light , so gentle I barely notice . Then , the storm whips into a frenzy . Soon , it 's swirling around me , making me dizzy , robbing my peace . It 's not , of course , only the end - of - year holidays that spin crazy into my life ; it 's just that the holidays spin more . It 's early November . I have a strategy and my strategy is for silence . I 'm laying down the rails right now , steady sturdy tracks upon which this new habit will roll . It will be in place before the first crazy flake falls . This year , I refuse to be caught in the swirl . He will come to me in the silence . I will be certain to establish and to guard that silence vigilantly . Our lives have become increasingly noisy . Have you noticed that ? Smartphones go with us wherever we go . We 've given permission to employers and clients and even perfect strangers to jump right up through our pockets and jangle us into their worlds . They intrude , interrupt , make noise . And we let them . We take our music wherever we go , earbuds providing a soundtrack to our lives . With the flip of a switch , we can find ourselves in a conversation with dozens of people at once . We can share pictures , menus , and every random thought and opinion . Remember when there were only three channels on the television ? Sometimes , there was nothing good on TV . So off you went to do something else , often something quiet . Now , endless channels , always something to watch . It 's noise , noise , noise . And I feel my inner Grinch rising . God comes to us in the silence , but we increasingly are becoming a people who are afraid to be still and quiet . We can 't even be alone with our own thoughts . Next time you have to wait in a grocery line or even a line of traffic at a red light , notice how many people automatically whip out their phones . True , they aren 't making noise , but they aren 't alone with their thoughts , either . They are engaging the noise of the world . There is noise in their heads . A friend reminded me of a time when we felt a little guilty reading a book while nursing a baby . We thought maybe that was distracted nursing . Now , moms in rocking chairs are scrolling Facebook and Instagram , illuminating the dark nights with the glare of a backlit screen . I know this , because they 're posting pictures of it . And sure , endless hours in a rocking chair can come to feel monotonous and lonely . But a few hours in a rocking chair can be a very good thing . Those are your moments to pray , Mama . Your moments to dream , to think big thoughts , or just to close your eyes and doze . I promise you will grow in those moments because God Himself will come to you in the dark and the silence and the stillness of your soul . Silence isn 't only for nursing mothers . When was the last time you commuted without the radio on ? Can you sit in the dark parking lot for the last 15 minutes of soccer practice and just watch them play without checking your phone ? And really , there is nothing so sweet as the end - of - the - day silence when a restless little boy needs someone to snuggle him to sleep . Go seek your silent moments . We look forward to the joyful season of waiting and preparing for the birth of our Savior . We invite the outdoor chill and light a fire on our hearths . We welcome the coming of the season . How shall we welcome the coming ? How can we prepare our hearts for Him ? Perhaps we clear some space . We push away some of those noisy things that compete for our attention and we hush the incessant barrage of messages from out there . Together , we endeavor to bring quiet to our homes and so , to our hearts . He comes to us in the silence . Can you hear Him ? A week ago , my husband gathered us all in the living room to share news that would rock our world . My father - in - law , whom we had tucked into bed the previous night and left sleeping at home , had died peacefully in his sleep . I canceled all my writing obligations . The only thing I wrote all week was note or two for a eulogy for my husband to deliver . When a family gathers at a funeral to celebrate the life of someone dear and to console one another in their grief , the words of a eulogy can have tremendous power . Eulogies are gifts , even more for the people who mourn than for the deceased . As I went about my business all last week , tending to the myriad of details I had previously never even considered , deviating so far from my original plan for the week that it was barely recognizable , I considered what makes a good eulogy - not what makes a stylistically good eulogy , what makes stirring oration , but what makes the summation of one 's life " good . " What really is a life well lived ? One thing struck me again and again . All those clichés about living like you 're dying and not being able to take it with you ? They are rooted in absolute truth . My husband 's father was a few weeks shy of turning 90 when he died . He lived a long , full life of honor , serving admirably both in the military and in the marketplace . But when I took the time to ask his young adult grandchildren what lessons they learned from his life , the answers were all tucked into little and hidden moments . I know there are people who will beg to differ , but I think a life well lived puts relationships before resumes . A life well lived is one where all of the big decisions and most of the little decisions are made with the intent to meaningfully engage in the hearts and the souls of the people God has entrusted to us . The things that matter most in life are the things that are mostly hidden from the world ; the gentle movements of hearts towards one another . A life well lived is a life full of those moments . I remember telling a friend on my 30th birthday , " I don 't regret a thing . Nothing . I have no regrets . " I was talking particularly about parenting . I can quickly think of lots of other things in life I regretted prior to turning 30 , but at that point , I genuinely had no parenting regrets . Ignorance is bliss , I suppose . Now , if someone were to pose that question , they 'd better pull up a chair and plan to spend the afternoon . Now , I have a lengthy list of regrets . An " if only " list , if you will . A " How dumb could I have been " list . I do not think I am unique in this . Actually , if you have a child older than 10 and if you don 't have such a list , I invite you to contact me . I 'll pull up a chair and sit down . You can take all afternoon telling me all the things you did right and how you avoided doing something you regret . I suppose there are those folks who look at things that aren 't such good ideas in hindsight and instead of regretting they are grateful for them . They see the lessons learned . They see the growth . They see the great potential for change . I 'd like to think I do that , too . And I do . Sometimes . When it comes to my kids , though , I hate to think that my imprudence has somehow hurt them . So , while grateful for the lessons learned , I wrestle around with regret that they were learned at the expense of my children . I try not to get stuck there . The beauty of a big family is that if a mother regrets something she did when she was young and imprudent , she might just have a chance at a redo with a younger child . The corollary is that I don 't have the luxury of doing what some of my friends are doing as they settle into an empty nest . I can 't look at the regrets , confess the mistakes , be forgiven and relax in the grace . I have more children to raise . I want to figure it out , get it right this time , perfect the process . I try to relax in the forgiveness and beg the grace for the next leg of this long journey . I long to be still and know God , but sometimes , I just keep striving and I forget that God 's got this ( Ps 46 : 10 ) . A friend who understands this sense of urgency around regret and fine - tuning parenting for the benefit of the younger siblings sent me some wisdom penned by author Carl Bard . " Although no one can go back and make a brand - new start , anyone can start from now and make a brand - new ending . " He 's right , of course . A brand - new ending ? Now there 's a hopeful prospect . How ? How do I write a new ending ? By holding the pen and letting God be the author . We are sinners well practiced in examining our consciences and listing our sins so that we can confess them . But then what ? Are we equally well - practiced at receiving showers of grace ? Or do we think that somehow in order to get God on our sides we have to be good enough , to be free of stupid mistakes ? Do we fill up with self - recrimination and think as if we must merit grace ? We don 't merit grace . Ever . We don 't have to merit grace . God promises that goodness and mercy are ours . Even in the darkest shadows , He assures us , " Indeed , goodness and mercy shall pursue me all the days of my life ( Ps 23 : 6 ) . " He 's pursuing us with the brand - new ending . He 's chasing after us with the story that isn 't filled with regret . This ending is the one where God sees the regretful things and offers mercy . This ending is the one where He sees the dark times and offers goodness . This is the new ending . He is hunting us down with a beautifully bound book of our lives - with the brand - new story to replace the tattered regret - filled one . And this story ? It 's entitled Grace . The air is downright chilly in the mornings and evening soccer practices yield to cool darkness . Autumn is upon us . I 'm a big fan of weather , an embracer of the change of seasons . And of all the seasons , I love autumn best . This year , though , I find myself wishing it wouldn 't arrive so quickly . Time just seems to slip through my fingers these days . Autumn comes and with it , the close of the year will soon be upon us . Hurry , hurry . We race on . I 'm not ready to let this year go . Where can we find more time ? Amidst the bustle of it all - the super - fast debit card self - checkout that eliminates the need to count out change and chat with the cashier about what I plan to bake with those chocolate chips and the can of pumpkin ; the E - Z Pass that eliminates a smile and a " Have a nice day " with the man in the tollbooth ; the automated checkout at the library that means we won 't chat stories with the children 's librarian - we are hustling through time . It feels so frantic . We feel so frantic . Tell me , what do we gain in our hurry ? I can well see what we lose . We lose our sense of community . We lose our connectedness to one another . We lose the ability to stop and savor and settle in and notice the details . And in our hurry , we find ourselves feeling cheated , as if we just pushed our way through but didn 't really live the life we 've been given . Last week , our dryer was broken . In a family of 11 , when the dryer breaks , we all get pretty creative about places to hang clothes . Our homeowner 's association prohibits clotheslines , preferring the aesthetic of efficient dryers trapped inside stuffy laundry rooms to the messy beauty of linens blowing wild in the breeze . Go figure . We hung clothes from portable soccer goals and relished the warm windiness of the day . For the few days of our inconvenience , I was not - so - secretly enjoying being " forced " to stand in the sunshine and shake out clean laundry . It was terribly inefficient , made the chore much more time - consuming , and would likely become wearisome over time . But in the moment , it was a golden opportunity to relish the moment , to linger long instead of tossing clothes inside the drum while looking ahead to the next thing to do . The day we got the dryer fixed , the dishwasher decided it was no longer communicating with the water source . Admittedly I grumbled a bit before I resigned myself to filling my sink with warm , soapy bubbles . Surveying my " help , " I decided it was probably easier to wash dishes by myself than to coach my reluctant dishwashers through this new way of tackling the typical Tuesday night table set for eight . Or 10 . Here 's what you can 't do while washing dishes by hand : You can 't get distracted by your smartphone . You can 't wander out of the room when a child keeps adding to a longwinded , very detailed , not - even - remotely true story . You can 't quickly go check the laundry . Or your email . You have to stand there , hands in the warm suds , and be fully present in the moment . It doesn 't much feel like time is slipping through your fingers . Where 's the slow in life ? Can we seek it , find it , perhaps even create it ? Can we deliberately pull into the slow lane sometimes ? Can we embrace the wait time ? Take a few extra moments to pay in cash and count out exact change , looking the cashier in the eye and sharing a warm word or two ? Can we breathe more deeply , park a little further away and enjoy the walk ? Can we plunge into the sink full of bubbles and invite someone we love to pull up a stool and chat while we rinse away the hurry with the dirt ? We all noticed it the year Patrick was fourteen . It seemed like overnight , but really , it wasn 't . It was the whole fourteenth year . And my husband turned gray . It wasn 't all Patrick , of course . That was the year of the fragile pregnancy and the fragile baby , and the college athlete who spent too much time on the bench . And then there was Patrick . This has been my year to turn gray . My friend the stylist is out on maternity leave . My hair was long overdue for a cut , making me crazy , curls more out of control as they lose color . I couldn 't wait for her to return ( and I have a hunch she won 't ) , so I went to see the lady who cut my hair last year . To remind her of how it is supposed to be cut , I showed her a picture from the wedding . Is this how they get people to beg for color to go with their cut ? No , thanks . I work too hard to keep color and chemicals out of my food to pay someone to allow it to seep into my scalp . If it 's going to be gray , it 's going to be gray . And apparently , it 's going to be gray . It 's not Patrick , this time . Well , there is that dang bench in college again , but no one thinks that will last long . He 's discouraged , but he 's just building character . There are other things this time around , things that pull on a mama 's heart . And things that make her hair turn gray . She wonders , remembers , that it 's not all turning out the way we thought it would . Way back when we thought life was black and white and there were no shades of gray . . . Now ? Now there 's gray . There is the benefit of experience . It stands in the gap where once stood the confidence ( and naivete ? ) of youth . And my problems ? They are decidedly first world problems . In the morning , as I pull gray hairs from between my fingers and ask if perhaps today could be calm for my children , my neighbors , and my friends , my husband reminds me that life is hard . Really hard . Gently , he pointed to the idea that when it 's hard , there are children and young adults who look to our home for refuge . They call this home . And I didn 't give birth to all of them . Life is hard and we are called to be Christ to one another in the midst of the hard . Later in the day , a friend reminds me that children are starving , wars are waging , young fathers are dying of AIDS . All a world away in a place that is not at all first world . That 's hard life , she says . I am chagrined . And silenced . The question burns though , all day , as I answer text messages and call in resources and troubleshoot and cry and pray and wait and worry on the behalf of people in my here and now : Is it somehow less when we suffer in the first world ? Do those who suffer the pains of affluence - - who know exactly how far their disease has progressed because they can afford a CT scan after they 've drunk horrid yellow radioactive dye ; those who struggle away from home for the first time because they 've been afforded an education and tuition to university ; those who wonder about paying the bills of a middle class lifestyle because suddenly costs will rise and income will decrease - - is their suffering less worthy of my time and attention than the suffering across the ocean ? St . Therese wanted to be a missionary to foreign lands . Instead , God called her to the cloister . Still , the Church calls Therese of Lisieux the patron of missions . Why ? She shares the patronage with the great Jesuit missionary , St . Francis Xavier . His spiritual principle was , to " love those people to whom we are sent and to make ourselves loved by them . " St . Therese never left the cloister , never . Her motto ? " To love Jesus and to make him loved . " She lived this mission wholeheartedly : " Just as a torrent , throwing itself with impetuosity into the ocean , drags after it everything it encounters in its passage , in the same way , Jesus , the soul who plunges into the shoreless ocean of your love draws with her all the treasures she possesses . Lord , You know it , I have no other treasures than the souls it has pleased You to unite to mine ; it is You who entrusted these treasures to me . " To other people He has entrusted populations of impoverished natives of foreign lands . Me ? He has sent me to a small town in the shadow of Washington , DC . He knows this small circle in suburbia is all that I can manage . I 'm sure He 's wondering at how poorly I " manage " even that some days . Then again , He has numbered every gray hair on my head . Nothing surprises Him . St . Therese is a good patron for mothers at home , particularly mothers at home who might occasionally be distracted by the proliferation of blog posts and books that urge them to move beyond their " comfortable selfishness " to evangelize and bring comfort to the remote corners of the world . Go ! By all means , whatever it takes , if it is God 's call , go . It 's not always God 's call . Sometimes He calls us to quiet witness in our homes and communities . Sometimes He calls us to remain little and hidden in our domestic monasteries , nurturing the few souls in our spheres of influence . Loving them as unto the Lord . We can 't bring healing to the impoverished masses huddled in their obvious suffering . We can 't know what it feels like to fill the bellies and bind the wounds of the poor on foreign soil . Instead , we trust that giving a sippy cup of water to the least of these in our own kitchens is still doing His work . Vatican II defined missionary activity in these terms : " The special end of this missionary activity is the evangelization and the implantation of the Church among peoples or groups in which it has not yet taken root . " By golly , I assure you , that work is not yet finished in my home : - ) . At first it seemed so black and white , but really , this mission is colored in shades of gray . A woman can feed them , clothe them , educate them , comfort them , but in this culture , she is not guaranteed that they will stay close to God all their lives . The thing about the first world ? There is a myriad of shiny things with which the devil can distract . The mission field is physically comfortable and spiritually very , very dangerous . It is one that requires the constant care and attention of the missionary , lest they are all blinded by the gray . I 'm not a very good multi - tasker . The task at home is quite enough . I cannot serve soup in Africa . Right now , I cannot even seek the suffering in the cities close to my home . I 'm just a mom in the suburbs , ladling chowder at my dining room table . And my hair is turning gray . Now . Here . This is where I 'm called . This is where I pray He finds me , offering hope , serving unconditional love , and counting gifts . I 'm giving until I 've nothing left to give . I have to trust His grace to fill in the large gaps I 've left when I feebly offer these days of relative comfort . I have to hope it is indeed enough . About the photos : I have two friends who periodically encourage me to try to learn my camera and look at life through its lens . Independent of each other , they are firm believers that I am a very good candidate for this kind of Joy School . Today , I was a willing student of said school . something . There 's more to do , more to say , more to love . And there is . Here 's a hint , mom . It 's The day began with Mike vlounteering to take Nick to soccer on his way to work . Soccer is absolutely not on Mike 's way to the office , but he was being really sweet and I took him up on it . The coach always gets there 15 minutes early so Mike planned to drop Nick and dash to work . I gave him the address ( all these fields are new to us since we 've just switched leagues ) , and off they went . I had given him the address of the field where Stephen trains tomorrow . Go me ! I 'd looked up all my travel desitinations before the week began . . . Christian leaves tomorrow . I 'll be back in this space on Wednesday . My prayer for each of you is for someone to speak grace into your day . Don 't you love New York in the fall ? It makes me wanna buy school supplies . I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address . - " You 've Got Mail " There is something about this line that rings so true it makes me smile and reach for the pencil sharpener every time it comes to mind . Especially in the fall . Read the rest here . . . . just not in the way previously thought . You knew it was coming didn 't you , after yesterday ? I was bound to write my annual " please stop whining about your kids " essay . I actually wrote it a couple of weeks ago . It just seems more improtant in light of yesterday . Read on , please . . . It 's 7 : 45 on Saturday morning . I 've already worked out . I sat on the front steps with a mug of Red Zinger infused with raw honey and cayenne pepper . My bags are at the ready as soon as the Famer 's Market opens . Weekend . Mike was gone all last week . Did you notice without me even saying so ; - ) ? He arrived home yesterday late afternoon and began to put my world in order again . ( Not literally - - he 's not much of cleaner - upper . ) It amazes me how much effect one person can have on the heart of a household . For me , it 's the presence or absence of my husband that is most notable . But I notice the comings and goings of children , too . This weekend brings us very much into graduation season . This is the year of Patrick 's graduation . Well , not really . Patrick graduated early , but it is the year he would have graduated . So , it 's the year his friends graduate . Patrick collects friends like a dog on the trail in the autumn gathers burrs . He has lots and lots of them . And Patrick keeps friends . They 've all grown up together . So , we are drawn into his flurry of activity this week as all those little boys he played soccer with since he was four celebrate this rite of passage . We also have some matching cousins . Mike 's sister and I were pregnant at the same time four different times . Our babies were within weeks of each other . For Christian , there was Catie Lea . For Patrick , there was Erin . For Stephen , there was John . And for Katie , there was Brian . I look with amazement at my lovely niece , Erin , who has grown into a woman of incredible grace and courage and I am so grateful that these days dawn bright for her . With her big sister , and with Christian , they will be a community of cousins in the same place next fall . That makes my heart happy . Hilary , too , crosses this bridge . For nearly two years , it 's been Hilary - and - Paddy , Paddy - and - Hilary . We 're all kind of holding our collective breath to see how this transition is navigated for them . But Hilary 's leaving will be felt somewhere else as well . One of Hilary 's costumes rests on my counter . It 's awaiting a temporary adjustment so that it will fit Mary Beth . It 's a costume of a ringleader . It 's still Hilary 's . She will wear it again when the girls all dance together in their spring recital and then compete one last time together in July . But Senior Beach Week calls Hilary away from a performance next week . Mary Beth will be the ringleader . Still , no one will fill Hilary 's dancing shoes . I can 't keep my mind from reminding me that all her life Mary Beth has followed Patrick and Erin . She 's been right behind them . This year , she 's here to slip into that costume . She is firmly rooted at the studio day after day , eagerly soaking up even hand - me - down roles . Still , whatever they 've done , she 's done soon after . Don 't go there ! Don 't think for one moment today , Mama , about the day when your three little girls say goodbye to their personal ringleader . Stay in the moment . You must in order to survive . It 's here in earnest : the season of a mother 's goodbyes . Patrick , of course , came home for the weekend , bringing Zach along for the ride . He wouldn 't miss this for the world . It 's a weekend of carefully planned parties , each timed so that one doesn 't encroach upon another . Instead , my social butterfly can just flit from one to the next , reveling in merriment . Patrick definitely brings his own energy to the household . This weekend , he 'll be sharing energy all over Northern Virginia . And I 'll be doing what I do . Filtering the energy . Storing it . Letting it soak in . These bright days are fleeting . I 'm trying to capture them like fireflies in a Mason jar on a perfect June evening . I 've resolved to finish both the book studies begun here . I noticed that both of them petered out in the fall , one last year and one the year before . I figure if I start now , I can finish them both before whatever happens in the fall that makes me not able to finish things . " We start to dream about her future because we want more . Maybe we want more than we had , whatever that was or wasn 't . We want her to be polite because we weren 't . We want her to come home during her summers in college because we never wanted to . She 'll have a perfect mom . Our daughter will be the lucky one . We 'll give her everything we missed . " Can 't you see ? Early in our son 's life , we lay out our hopes and dreams , not based on who he is , but on who we are . While we say that we will let him be who he wants to be and that we will love him unconditionally , the reality is , none of us mothers can actually do that . When we go to give him our love , our own needs become kneaded into that love and pretty soon , love can feel messy . But it doesn 't have to be . " Ah . That collision of hopes and dreams with the reality that pains mothers so much , particularly as their children move through their teens and early twenties . We have talked about that before and you had plenty to say . It 's interesting to me that I think I read this chapter differently than I did two years ago , when I first began this study and first read this book . I think that 's because I 'm more practiced in collision care . Happens all the time : they don 't act according to my perfectly scripted daydreams . It doesn 't always go as I 'd hoped . Actually , it frequently doesn 't go as I 'd hoped . " We fear that if we admit that it 's going any way other than what we 'd hoped , we 'll also have to admit that something is broken in our children , or that something is off in our mothering . Neither of these is a fun thing to accept and so when it comes to feeling humbled or hanging on to a slow burn , we opt for the latter . Being angry is safe . It is easier to swallow than admitting that something is cracked . And it protects us from further hurt . " So let 's just get that admission out of the way right now . Let 's say it aloud to one another : My kids are broken and so am I . If we can tear down the illusions of perfection and even the expectations of perfection , we can be genuine support to one another . Think about it : how approachable is the perfect woman in the PTO ? How eager are you to share a cup of coffee and a heart - to - heart with the lady who has it all together ? Let 's struggle together . One point that several people spoke to when we listened to the Pat Gohn podcast was the pain caused by competition in friendships . I think we compete with each other and I think we compete with the ideal version of ourselves and our children . Chances are , we learned to do that from our mothers , who had their own ideal versions of themselves and of us , carefully guarded and perpetuated . Depending on how unhealthy this was , those lessons in accepting nothing less than the ideal can be very well ingrained . It 's not too late . We can learn this lesson . Our survival depends on it . If we can give and get love in a healthy manner , we will age beautifully . If we cling to the old paradigm , we will become lonely , embittered shriveled - up old women . I mean that . Nothing will age a woman faster than trying to make her children into something God never inteneded them to be . I promise you that your vision - - no matter how lovely - - is not God 's vision . His is better . It might be really messy getting there . Nothing will make you uglier and more miserable than tightening your controlling grip when love goes awry . This means mom goes first . We tell them first how we feel , we apologize first , and we express our needs aloud . It 's a good thing to be vulnerable and to take risks with our love . It 's not a good thing to lock our hearts up in a chamber of anger in the hopes we won 't be hurt again . With this vocation , comes ample strength and grace to do what we need to do . " If you lay your heart on the table and the person doesn 't respond , you handle that . In reality , you can handle far more disappointment than you think you can . " What you can 't handle - - really , truly - - is to walk away with your lips pursed and your fist clenched inside your pockets . What you can 't handle is anger . It will kill you . I think this one is my biggest change since I first started this study . Every time one of my children rejected a component of my Perfect Picture , I took it personally . What was wrong with my ideal ? Why deviate from that plan ? As they grow , there is great joy in seeing who they are unfold , in seeing the Creator 's fingerprints on them . It is somewhat startling , I think , when we begin to recognize that the road to becoming who they truly are is strewn not with rose petals but with all matter of debris . The idyllic path is actually not often trod . Most kids take one of the messier routes and frequently they don 't want us along for the ride ( or at least they think they don 't ) . They tell us so rather bluntly . Sometimes , " they have temper tantrums directed towards us and try to pull us into their private tornadic whirl . " This can be quite startling , to say the least . Tornados suck mothers in . We believe the anger in the vortex . " We can 't afford to do this . When we are hurt by loved ones , we must stand back and assess their words as if we were mothers of toddlers . No , they aren 't toddlers , but this helps us be more objective about the problem . When a loved one hurts us . . . review the words as thogh they were driected at a friend , not us . By removing ourselves from the moment [ even if the moment is a season long ] , we can objectify the words [ or actions ] and try to see if they are reasonable of not . " " Many mothers show love to their kids by cooking their favorite meals , driving them everywhere , or buying them gifts . While our intentions are good , these gestures don 't ensure kids feel loved . Certainly kids learn to appreciate the work we do for them as they mature , but in the meantime , it is important to find the small things we can do to let them know that they really are loved by us . While they are growing up in our homes , much of our interaction with our kids is negative because we are correcting them or disciplining them . So find out what makes each child feel loved . When you do this and express it , it will come back to you tenfold . Just be a big girl , already . Quit whining and complaining . Don 't stay stuck as an adolescent . Do the hard things . Do them well . And do them gratefully . " Let 's not be foolish The best love relationships require rolling up our sleeves again and again and saying a lot of things we really would rather not . Love requires that we take a deep breath and ask loved ones to forgive us for acting like jerks . It requires saying " no " to our kids and then being willing to reinforce the " no " for hours afterward . It means telling daughters that they can 't wear teeny tops and skirts to school even when they wail and cry that kids won 't like them . And it demands that we have the " talk " with our sons and daughters over and over about sex too soon with too many partners because hurt always follows . We do these things because we love our kids , but nothing is easy about doing any of them . And it 's not just about the kids . One of the greatest predictors of happy mothers is happy marriages . That doesn 't mean it 's impossible to be a happy single mother with happy kids . It does mean that the path is smoother for women in happy marriages . And by golly , ladies , we have to work at making marriage happy . " So when a spouse drives us crazy , we must draw on the same internal gift that we use with our kids . Instead of complaining , we need to focus on appreciating him . " When we live this model of appreciating over complaining , counting blessings instead of itemizing annoyances , we create a climate of love . Children learn from watching us . Let them learn genuine love in action . It 's been nearly a week since my iPhone suddenly stopped working . I made a call to my husband that went off without a hitch . Then , I tried to text Colleen . My phone popped up a message that said there was no SIM card . Since there had been a SIM card three seconds earlier for the phone call and I was sitting the same place , with the same phone , I figured it was a little cyber hiccup . Tried again . Same message . Colleen is in the jungle in Costa Rica ; only God knows where half the texts I send her actually go . I tried to text Katherine . Katherine is in very civilized Dallas . She has a fully functional iPhone . It didn 't work . I tried calling home . Nothing . I tried calling Mary Beth . Nothing . Over the next couple of days , I backed up everything on my phone and then deleted and reset . Well , I tried to reset . One cannot reset without a SIM card and my phone continues to insist I don 't have one . After two very disappointing trips to AT & T and Apple , I still don 't know why my phone doesn 't work . I do know that , at the time it suddenly quit working , I was 24 days past my warranty . My husband is going to try to see if he commands more respect from either AT & T or Apple . Mike spent all last week in Miami . Just as he arrived home for the weekend , his studio in DC flooded . My sense is that between catching up at the DC office and mopping up at the DC office , phone relacement for me is going to slip a bit on the priority list . I 'm actually fine with that for now . It 's become a bit of an experiment . I decided not to fight it too much . This was as good a time as any for an Instagram break . I set a limit on Facebook to 5 minutes a day , mostly just to check local groups with pertinent kid information . And I promised myself to embrace this opportunity to re - think my habits before getting a new phone . I do miss my phone . First , I miss it for the genuinely important things . There are at least three life - or - death situation text messages I have not read . Two are from friends facing tragic illness . One is much happier . When one of my friends in a tragic situation told me on Friday that she was worried I was mad at her because she 'd been texting with bad news for three days and I hadn 't responded , I felt terribly . I had put the word out on Facebook that my phone was out of commission , but that 's not very reliable , is it ? She and I made a promise to have a good , long face - to - face chat . Still , though , I 'm haunted that I wasn 't there to help in the moment . When my phone first died , I felt very out of sorts . My phone , for better or worse , is an integral tool in many of my habits . I quickly learned that I check my mail far more often than necessary . Still , since I wasn 't checking mail , I nearly missed the email demanding that I fax Stephen 's sub order before a deadline or leave him to go hungry on a long out - of - town soccer trip . I 've been checking too often , but how often is enough ? I have no idea . One of the reasons I wanted a smart phone was because so many people associated with my children assume everyone has one . Checking mail whenever , wherever makes my mom job more efficient . My prayer routine was seriously affected . Nearly everything was tied to my phone . I 've since transferred prayers and such to paper , but I do miss the ease with which it was all there , ready and waiting . And I miss my chapel bells . On the other hand , I like very much that my phone isn 't the last thing I put to bed at night these days . I think I will continue to keep night prayers in paper format even after I have a new phone . I miss my iPhone camera . Ideally , its absence will force me to get to know my new camera and lens . My iPhone was instrumental in developing in me an eye for capturing moments in pictures . Before my iPhone , my brain always processed even the simplest things in words . I did - - and still do - - think in narrative . After getting an iPhone - - now 1 year and 30 days ago - - I began to think in pictures too . Or , maybe I always thought in pictures , but now I had a tool for capturing those thoughts with images . I miss that . A lot . And I am pretty bummed that I missed the virtual waiting room texting party while a small group of us prayed for Patti as she labored and delivered her baby boy on Mother 's Day . Early in the labor ( the day before Mother 's Day ) , I got an " I 'm so sorry your phone doesn 't work " email and I suggested that updates be texted to Christian 's phone . Poor Christian , it was more than he really wanted to know ! Poor me . Christian passed along news when it was convenient , not as it was happening . I had promised Patti to pray and pray I did . I didn 't need to know the details . God knew . So often , when we get a prayer request , we press for details . Those details don 't make us better prayer warriors . They just satisfy our curiosity . So , I prayed without knowing the updates in real time . I will admit , however , that I broke down on Sunday and asked for Mary Beth 's iPhone so I could log out of her Instagram account and on to my own , only to see pictures of Patti 's baby . I was very late to the cell phone party . Everyone I knew had a cell phone when I first got mine for Mother 's Day , 12 years ago . It was a super simple phone . I didn 't want a phone I could take with me , but our house was on the market and our realtor really thought it was a good idea . I rarely called anyone but Mike . And when Mike called me , he could almost never reach me . It drove him nuts . I always deliberately left the phone in the car . I figured I only needed it when away from the house , so why even bring it inside ? If it was in the car , I wouldn 't forget it . I existed that way until about last year . Until 1 year and 30 days ago , I didn 't have a smartphone . I didn 't even have a QWERTY keyboard . And I didn 't much mind . I really wanted an iPhone for the camera . Since acquiring a smartphone , I 've learned to appreciate text messaging . Mostly , I love to be able to send little notes to my husband and children . With Mike , I flirt . With my kids , it 's so handy to be able to text , " Dude , I just put Sarah to sleep AGAIN up here . I don 't care if it 's overtime , do not yell at that TV , no matter how great the goal . " And yes , I write it all out , just like that , with commas and such , because by golly , if we are all going to being writing so much more than we used to , let 's practicing writing well . When my phone first went down , I posted to Facebook . I was looking for suggestions on fixing it and I wanted to let people who usually call or text know that I was out of touch . Gretchen wrote this comment : I thought she must be exceptionally unlucky in friendship . I have since discovered that there is a certain degree of truth to what she 's saying . People are in the habit of texting instead of talking . It 's been very quiet around here , despite my repeated attempts to persuade people to call my home phone . And of course , I 'm much less available to those people because I 'm only available when I 'm at home . It 's been really interesting to see how that dynamic works . It 's also been very heartwarming to know that there are some people in my life who will always find a way to share . It 's going to be at least a couple more days until I have a cell phone again . I 'm still thinking for that perfect balance of use . Surely , most people who read this will think I 'm overthinking and it 's ridiculous . Regardles the outcome of this experiment , I need to cultivate a big camera habit . I have no pictures of the beautiful Mother 's Day dinner Mike and Christian crafted . I have no pictures of Patrick ( and Zach ) , bearing roses and surprising me with a visit on Mother 's Day . I have no pictures of the glorious place where Nick played soccer . Well , actually , Mike took about a zillion pictures of Sarah there and they are wonderful . I asked him to send them to me , but he must have sent the small files . They 're all pixelated . Maybe I can share those tomorrow . There no chance I 'm calling the flood zone ( from my home phone ) and asking him to send the large files . Mary Beth did grab the big camera a few times last weekend . Nick and I spent several hours on Saturday trying to tame the jungle that wants to be my rose garden again . They were mostly prickly weeds and it was slow going . Thank goodness for Christian , who bagged eight lawn bags full of the debris . I was undistracted by texting or by photographing . We made great progress , but there are still plenty of weeds to pull . Maybe once they 're all gone , a phone will appear . Or maybe not . I had hoped to spark some conversation about friendship and about spirtual mentors . Since I know you all are interested in both , and since usually it 's not terribly difficult to strike up a conversation here , I was surprised to see so few people chime in . I 'm thinking I just picked a super busy day for almost everybody . But this is a topic thtat 's become a bit of a passion for me , so I 'm going to go out on a limb and give it another go . . I am truly amazed at the wisdom Pat has crammed into these ten minutes . I think her insight is so valuable that I stopped and let my girls listen . We had an excellent conversation about how these five principles can be adapted even if you 're only ten years old . Life with four daughters has given me lots of insight from an adult perspective on what makes for healthy friendships . What a lot of friendships I witness these days ! Some are genuine blessings . Some , not so much . Some girls have a gift for friendship . Some must overcome some real deficits to be or to have good friends . Just as we train our children in good academic habits and good moral habits , we need to train them in good friendship habits . These are valuable lifeskills . This book is a valuable life book . Pat has recorded a thought - provoking ( and sweetly short ) podcast for you to listen to with your morning cuppa . She 's got me thinking about spiritual motherhood . I 'm reflecting gratefully on the women who have taken the time and care to mother me spiritually throughout my lifetime . They have firmly imprinted goodness on my soul and I am eternally grateful . I mean that . Eternally . Those women who have mothered me spiritually have affected eternity for me . And , through me , they have affected eternity for my children . Spiritual mothers aren 't just mother - figures , they 're the good friends in our lives , even the ones who are from our peer group . I can think of at least two women who fill that role in my life who are much younger than me , too . We are all called to spiritual motherhood . And , I think , it 's in answering the call to that particular vocation that we become genuinely good friends . Pat has some wonderful concrete suggestions for us . They aspire to help create spiritual mothers and strike right to the heart of creating really good friends . Oh , how the world of women is desperately in need of good friends ! This is a ten minute podcast that might change your life - - and your friendships . I 'm not exagerrating here . Take some time - - just ten minutes - - to listen today . The world and your world will be a better place because of it . I know mine will be . Five recommendations for aspiring Spiritual Mothers ( Pat fleshes out these ideas in the podcast . It 's only ten minutes . You 'll be glad you listened . ) : 1 . Make friends with one another . Create a non - competitive sisterhood . 2 . Find THREE . Find three friends : one younger , one from your peer group , and one older than you are . 4 . Pray for one another . Ask . Seek . Knock . 5 . Use the four gifts of receptivity , generosity , sensitivity , and maternity . After you listen , come back here , because there 's something in it for you and for the community here at Heart of My Home . Let 's have a conversation . I really , truly want to hear your heart on this topic and I want to share with you in the combox . Who has been a spiritual mother to you ? Describe her ways . You don 't have to name her , but let us know how she 's been a help for you . Pat talks about five gifts . How can we live those ? How can we encourage one another to be spiritual mothers , both in real life and here online ? Winning a copy of this book is very simple . Listen to the podcast . And then join the conversation . If you come back here to chat with me , you will automatically be entered to win a copy of Blessed , Beautiful , and Bodacious . I 'll announce the winner right here , next week : - ) . . . just one more day of babymoon . To hold you close all day and night , while the world swirls by . To know that no one expects either of us to do anything except be here in the quiet and sweetness of each other . To inhale that precious baby smell , blessedly sure that nothing , no one , has yet hurt you . To hope and pray , with wide - eyed innocence , that no one ever will . To rest in the assurance that I can provide absolutely everything you need today . Right now . It was something I 'd done with ease just the previous week . This week , on the same mat , in the same space , I struggled . A trainer spotted me , steadied me and then whispered , " Compassion . Give yourself some . " That 's all she said . I admit leaving the gym berating myself , doubting my body 's ability to ever get the hang of it , and wondering if it was even worth it to return again the next day . I 'd been working hard at this , every day for a month , and I felt like a total failure because of the last hour spent struggling . Please read the rest here . Last year was pretty huge . I was so tired , so completely spent at this year 's beginning that I noticed year - in - review posts on other blogs , and just pulled the quilt up tighter around my ears and closed my eyes . I didn 't have the energy - - physical or spiritual - - to revisit it all , even virtually . It was just . so . much . I went through that year of many , many transitions kicking and screaming . Turns out I 'm not a big fan of change . The reality is that I liked the baby years , loved them , really and never once wished them away . And yet , in the big giant year of transition , they were indeed being swept beyond my reach . I left my children for the first time . And then for the second . Someone turned four and there was no one younger than her around the table at dinner . But there was someone new at the table . And she came to be one of us . I gained a new role . The transition was absolutely unmistakeable . Our culture is so youth oriented . For the most part it seems , no one really searches out ways to be older . We celebrate 21 in a big way . We mark midlife with black - themed birthday cards and bad jokes about being over the hill . I think I bought into that mentality a bit . And I think I know a big reason I was such easy prey . I was so dang tired . The truth is that this wholehearted , all - in , very attached parenting style had depleted me to the equivalent of soil dust . Nothing rich was growing there . If this was what the mid - forties felt like , I could not imagine sixty . But I have a four - year - old . And my most fervent prayer is to grow old healthy , and holy , and helpful . I want to be there for her . I want to see how the story unfolds . I want to get out of bed in the morning without my knees cracking so loudly it wakes my husband . In the blur that was the new year , friends were choosing words for the year - - just single words upon which to focus , meditate , seek wisdom . A word to live for the whole year . I couldn 't wrap my brain around one . And then I could . Aimee said her word was renew . Renew . That 's it . That 's the word . It 's the word that says that this stage in life is not the beginning of the end . It 's the beginning , instead , of something better , stronger , wiser , and yes - - older . But older in the richest way . That 's certainly being proven true in marriage . Did you know that the sweetest wine is grown from the oldest vineyards ? Grapes grow best when the farmer works in harmony in with the earth , when he embraces the whole and considers that plant and the land around it as they were endowed by the Creator , with an eye towards preserving the quality for a long time . The goal of biodynamic farming is to be sustainable . When you grow grapes , you draw something from the soil and you have to replenish that . When we learned about biodynamic vineyards , one point that came home to me is that growing practices greatly influence how long the vineyards will continue to bear fruit . The vines where the practice is focused upon sustainable growth - - where the big picture is considered and every element of farming is oriented towards ensuring health of the vines down deep and over time - - are the vines that bear the sweetest fruit . At first , the explanation of biodynamic farming sounds a bit hokie . But then , you can literally taste and see that the fruit borne of the wisdom of old is of a superior quality . This image works so well for me . The Bible is rich with imagery of vineyards . Clearly , God wants us to consider how to grow in a sustainable way in order to renew the face of the earth . I 've never been more certain of that than I was this morning . I had written the above over the course of the last few weeks . I clicked over to visit Aimee in order to link to her in my post . When I did , I learned she 's writing today about sustainable homeschooling . My jaw dropped and I smiled widely at God 's thunk over my head . If ever I asked for a sign that I was on the right track , I got a clear answer at 7 : 00 AM on Tuesday January 29th while visiting Aimee 's blog . It 's a post that just might easily have catapulted to my favorite home education post ever this morning . There is wisdom there , my friends . Rich , rich wisdom . Get this : middle aged wisdom . Yep . There is wisdom and it 's invaluable . I look around at the friends with whom I 've had babies and I am blessed to know that they 've grown wise . How amazing ! We all learned something during those hazy , intense , sleep - deprived years . So , now I embrace renewal . I look to tend the vineyard of my soul , to be sure , but I am not going to neglect the rest of me any more . The big picture of renewal is one that encompasses physical health , spirtual growth , creative energy and enthusiasm , and an invigorated sense of hope and optimism for the future . I look to my home , to my homeschooling , to the relationships within these walls and to the people I love beyond these walls . Renewal . All of it is waiting to be made new again . What a different perspective than that of a withering towards an inevitable end . We can renew and renew and renew again , until our dying breath . God is generous that way . The last two weeks at Mass , an old familiar hymn has settled on my soul in a new way . I 've listened to You Are Mine and heard the refrain of stillness . I will come to you in the silence . But I 've also heard the rest . I heard the echoes of Isaiah 43 : 1 Peace I leave with you ; my peace I give to you . Not as the world gives do I give it to you . Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid Transitions can be scary . Aging can be scary . Renewal , though ? The sustainable model of growth that keeps us renewing until we reach heaven ? That 's peace . Last year , was a hard year . It was exhausting . It was a compost year , I think . A year of creating very fertile ground for renewal . Posted at 08 : 46 AM in Burnout & Depression , Faith , Home Education , Just for Mom , marriage , Mothering at home , Renew | Permalink Choose joy , especially when it 's not the easy choice . Curl up and read a good book for mama . ( . . . and maybe knit , too . I really miss knitting . ) If you click through an Amazon link on this blog and subsequently make a purchase , I will receive a small credit from Amazon . I will be very grateful for this credit and will use it purchase still more books and such to share with you . An eternal circle of Amazon life , you might say : - ) Copyright All written material and original photographs on this site copyright © 2006 - 2012 by the author . If you see a good idea here , it 's the work of the Holy Spirit . All good things are inspired by God . Ultimately , the Hat Tip belongs to Him , and only to Him . ( And if you see a bad idea , it 's because we weren 't listening closely - - please pray for us ; - ) . God wants us to share and to encourage one another , so if you see a good idea here , please feel free to pass it along . And if the Holy Spirit nudges you , send your friends our way , too . We 'd love to meet them ! Remember , the ideas were shared freely with you ; share them freely with others . " Freely you have received , freely give . " Matthew 10 : 8

It was morning in the system of Mainframe . And it looked to be a very busy second . The system had restarted only a few seconds ago and the leaders and staff of Mainframe decided a party would be held in honor of those that defeated the virus Megabyte and had brought beauty back to the system and its citizens . Dot Matrix , as Command . Com of the system , had the most to do . It had been her idea for the celebration , then suddenly realizing that some of their heroes couldn 't stand to be in the same room together . She already had enough to deal with ; Bob , Matrix , the new younger version of Enzo Matrix … the list could go on and on . The planning of this party gave her an excuse to stay away from her main problems at the moment , though the party itself was turning into a problem . First , she had to find a second to actually hold the party , meaning she 'd have reschedule every single meeting she had for the cycle . Secondly , she had to arrange the place mats at the hero table . She had to make sure Mouse and that Ray guy were together , AndrAIa and Matrix were together ( that was problem number who knows what now ) , she and Bob couldn 't sit together , so she had to put him next to Matrix , but that meant either she or Enzo would be sitting on the other side of Matrix . The three of them had to have a talk , sister to brother . To brother . Enzo had understood everything that was presented from the Strolling Players the night of the restart and though clearly disappointed at missing a war , he had been trilled to learn Matrix was him , only older . Matrix , on the other hand , had not been pleased at all . He did what ever he could to avoid Little Enzo at all costs . It had been hurtful to see her brother acting this way , but she couldn 't really blame him . She was doing the same thing to him . She 'd have to sit next to either AndrAIa , Ray or Mouse . She did know she couldn 't put Ray and Matrix together , nor could she put Bob next to him . The two didn 't seem as talkative as they had been and Matrix did seem to get annoyed whenever he saw Enzo and Bob together . The more she thought of it , Dot realized that only AndrAIa and Mouse were willing to sit next to the big brooding sprite . This would certainly be an interesting party . And an even interesting second . She had to go down to the hall where the party was being thrown to do some decorations and look who she had gotten to help . Oddly enough , the four people that made up her top three problems had volunteered to help with her task . Dot wasn 't sure how it would turn out , but she knew it would probably effect the party later . The group would be heading over to a dinning hall in Beverly Hills . Dot 's connections as Command . Com and Mainframe business woman allowed her the privilege of hosting the party somewhere swanky . The Ralston Hall had been somewhere Dot 's parents had taken her when she was little . She tried to think if Enzo , both little and big , remembered being in there . They were so small the last time they had been , for a party their mother had been invited to . It had been the first place she had thought of to hold this thing , the place being regal and beautiful . She wanted the best for this shindig and only the best . So later that second , Dot and her problematic crew stood in the hallway of the Ralston Hall , in upscale Beverly Hills . The room was bathed in light , showing the beauty of the room . Away from them was the Rhys Staircase , the only original piece of the hall since it had been renovated . On the opposite wall , on individual blocks , were bronzed heads of the builders : Richford Melvin Ralston , Arthur Davies Rhys , and Milton Drummies . Dot had volunteered to do the front hall , including the stairway . She figured she could 've done this by herself or had help from one person , but she had four volunteers and these four needed to be together eventually . Dot looked around at the inside , remembering the fun times she had here . Dot rolled her eyes . It was beginning . Dot shook her head as her bigger younger brother went to join his girlfriend and little brother . " This is going to be a long second . " she sighed . " I said , we can keep an eye on them . " he repeated , putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder . " You know , keep them out of trouble . " The two laughed at the joke , both staring intently in the other 's eyes . How many times had Bob thought he 'd never see those beautiful violet eyes of hers again ? How many times did Dot lay awake and cry , convinced Bob would never be coming home ? Both had realized how much they cared about each other and told themselves one way , some second when they 'd be together again , they would reveal their true feelings . Bob and Dot turned away from each other to look at AndrAIa , who just giggled at the couple , who ultimately blushed at their actions that morning . Yep , Dot thought . This is gonna be some second . That was the voice of Miss Flora Nit , a small one binome with large black rimmed glasses on her little binome block . She was the official manager of the welcome home party that was happening that night . She was showing Phong the route they had plan to take during the march down the stairs . The plan was to present the heroes as they went down the stairs and they would be escorted to their table in the dinning hall . Even though the party had sorta been thrown together , Miss Nit was a no nonsense woman , who could make a perfect party out of a small tea gathering . She was a perfectionist and the one thing she couldn 't stand were people who didn 't stack up to that . " No . " she repeated , putting an slight emphasis on the word . " Do you know what this is ? " To Enzo 's slowly shaking head , she replied , " This is the Rhys Staircase . This is the last piece of remaining history that this hall has . It was built during the construction of the system . Has endured fire , flood , storm , and anything else you can think of . The virus Hexadecimal once tried to destroy it , only to fail and leave the structure standing . It is the last piece of history concerning Arthur Davies Rhys , the very sprite who built this staircase , do you understand what I 'm telling you ? " Miss Nit continued down to the floor and then exited into the dining area . Phong went down slowly , stopping to talk to Dot on his way . " Who was that ? " Dot asked , looking after the binome as she left . " That is one of the best , if not extreme , managers in the Net . " Phong said . " I thought you may need some help with all your other duties , Dot . The party was your idea , of course , but I like to think she is in charge of certain arrangements . " " I don 't mind , Phong . " Dot replied , catching the uncertainty in the former leader 's tone . He was afraid he overstepped his bounds , but Dot was glad for the extra help . She already had a handful of problems in the hall with her now . " I 'm grateful for the help . " " Do not worry , Dot . " Phong said , continuing down the stairs . " Miss Nit will stay out of your way . " With that , the old sprite was gone . She hung another picture and admired it , leaning against the railing . The picture held a large group of people , all dressed in finer attire , and smiling at the camera . Dot focused on one particular sprite . That of James Matrix . Her father . Matrix walked over to the stairs and stared up at the picture that had captivated his sister . It was a society party , one their father had attended . He actually remembered it , their father had taken them when he was still very little . He had introduced him to all his friends and their families and even let him play in the baby pool that used to be out back . " Yeah , I remember that night . " the large sprite replied , a small smile coming to his face . " Not now . " Dot said , in a big sister manner . She gave a look that could delete to both her brothers , who turned away from each other . " Here . " she continued , handing a camera to Matrix . " Take some pictures of the work we 've done . " Matrix took the camera , as Dot moved out of the shot . " I think we did a pretty good job . " he said , snapping shots of the pictures and the newly decorated banister . " I bet everyone will be talking about our decorating abilities . " AndrAIa giggled , before posing seductively next to one of the head statues she stood next to . " Beautiful , sweetie . " the green sprite replied , as his girlfriend posed . " Come here , Matrix and I 'll take one of you . " AndrAIa said , walking over and taking the camera . Despite complaints , Matrix did walk over to stand next to the Ralston bust . " Come on , smile , baby . Smile ! " AndrAIa called , taking snaps like a professional . " You 're strong , you 're handsome , you 're a renegade . " " We 'll get to it , we 'll get to it . " AndrAIa said , waving the thought away . " Now come down here so we can get a picture of you . " " Oh , come on , Dot . " Bob said , trying to convince the sprite to have some fun . " We 're just having a little fun . Try it , you might like it . " Matrix smirked , took the boy 's hand , and said , " You 're on . Well , Dot ? " he continued , turning to his sister . " Enzo and I have twenty units each that say you 're too straight laced to be really spontaneous . Care to prove us wrong ? " " So , what 're you going to do , Sis ? " Matrix asked , sarcastically . " Lean over the railing ? Place a drink on the stairs ? " " This is too funny . " Bob said , grabbing the camera from AndrAIa . He started snapping pictures as Dot made faces at him . " This is really too funny . I 'll have to have these blown up . " " I know what you 're thinking , " Dot replied to the blank stares and open mouthed expressions . " You think I 'm stuck , but I 'm not . This is just a little tight that 's all . I just need to give one big tug and I 'll be out . " Try as she might , Dot couldn 't get her head out . Her expression changed to one of frustration and then annoyance . " I 'm stuck . " " Oh , don 't fall for this . " Matrix said , trying to down play the event . " She 's not really stuck . She 's just saying that cause we said that she wouldn 't anything fun . Well , as you said , Dot , fun 's over . So take your head from the railing . " " I got it ! " Matrix exclaimed , stopping mid pace and causing Bob to run into him . " All we gotta do is bend the bars a little and poof ! She 's out ! " " Wasn 't that Enzo 's suggestion a milli ago ? " Dot asked tiredly . Her neck hurt , as well as her arms from being in the same spot for that long of a period . " I still say our best bet is to saw her out of there . " Bob said . He had come up with the idea , only to be stopped by Dot , saying the staircase was a piece of Mainframe history and it just wouldn 't be right to saw it in half . " She 's coming ! She 's coming ! " Enzo cried , as he ran from the meeting room area and over to the others . " That lady 's coming back ! " The four quickly went about their area , doing what they could to appear normal and hide Dot . " Just taking a little break . " AndrAIa said , smiling at the woman . " Miss Nit , was it ? You seem to know an awful lot about the hall and this staircase and I was wondering , just random , out of the blue kind of thing … what would happen , purely hypothetical , of course … what would happen if someone … oh , I don 't know … kinda got a body part stuck in … in this here banister ? " Miss Nit just looked at the game sprite in awe . " You 're kidding , right ? " she asked , unsure of the question that was asked . " Saw the Rhys Staircase ? Oh yeah , sure . You could do that . You could also paint the Principal Office pink . This staircase is a piece of history for the system of Mainframe . " Cutting it , no matter how small or big or how important , would be like plunging a dagger into the heart of every single sprite and binome in this city ! Cutting it would be like subjecting every small child to scenes of unspeakable and deplorable acts of violence ! It would be a travesty of justice ! The system itself might as well collapse into oblivion ! " Miss Nit nodded , before noticing the large blanket and the odd shape from underneath . " Excuse me , " she said , looking at the blanket and then back at them . " Could you tell me what this is ? " " Certainly . " Enzo said , smiling . Miss Nit looked at him when he didn 't answer for a few nanos . " And AndrAIa would love to tell you what that is , wouldn 't you , Andi ? " AndrAIa looked at the binome in surprise and then quickly recovered . " Of course . " she said , trying to think of something to say . " Matrix , why don 't you tell Miss Nit what that is . " " Well … " Bob started , formulating a really good story . " This is what you would call a decorator 's dummy . Guardian Protocol says that when doing decoration committee , you have a decorator 's dummy , that way certain proportions and descriptions can easily be dictated by the dummy . We like having it around though . It 's kinda our mascot . " " All right ! " Dot proclaimed , throwing the blanket away from her . That thing was way too hot and she didn 't like being called a dummy . " That 's it . " " How old are you ? " asked Miss Nit to a now insulted Dot . " Really , Miss Matrix . I would have thought you had more sense than this . Going around putting your head into a stair … aren 't you just a little too old to be acting like a small child ? " " HEY , HOLD IT ! " Bob exclaimed . Everyone ceased their bickering and looked at him . " Let 's stay frosty here , okay ? Now , it doesn 't matter how it happened , it just happened , and now Dot 's head is stuck in the railing . What we would like you to do is figure out a way to get her out of there . " " First of all , Guardian , " replied Miss Nit , using his title loosely . " That is not my job and further more , you got her in there , you get her out . Secondly , I 'm going to give you people until two milliseconds before this party begins to get her out of there or I will report to every CPU official attending and you can explain to them why you haven 't . " " Oh sure . That 's easy . " Bob said , sarcastically . " Hey Phong , honorary delegates , distinguished guests . Got Mainframe 's leader stuck in a rail and Miss Nit won 't give us a saw ! " " Quite , AndrAIa . " Dot responded sarcastically . " In fact , I was thinking to myself that I don 't think I 've ever been comfortable in my life . " " Repeatedly , love . " replied Ray Tracer , as he sat in one of the chairs looking towards the stairs . He was dressed in a tux and had been straightening his tie . " Last time she brought a bunch of these CPUs and they measured Dot 's head . " piped Enzo . He and Matrix decided to go the same route that night . Both wore button down , collar less shirts , black slacks , and black shoes . " You want me to pull on her leg again ? " Matrix asked , holding up one side of the blanket . He and Bob were using it to cover Dot as Mouse dressed her . " Just Phong . " Matrix said , looking over his shoulder . " He 's doing his best to keep Miss Nit away and everyone else frosted until this thing starts . " Bob and Matrix removed the blanket and looked down at Dot . " Dot , you look beautiful . " AndrAIa gushed . The leader of Mainframe was lying on her back and was dressed in a lovely violet gown , one that matched her eyes . " Oh my User ! We 'd better do something ! " Dot exclaimed , sarcastically . " That could be embarrassing ! " Yanking her foot away from Mouse , Dot managed to roll back over onto her stomach . " In one millisecond , all of Mainframe will be gathered in this very hall , I certainly wouldn 't want to make a complete and total fool of myself . " ' Do you see that woman over there ? The one with her head caught in the staircase railing ? Isn 't that Dot Matrix , leader of the Rebel Resistance and Command . Com of Mainframe ? The one that all those sprites just tripped over ? Don 't you think her stockings are a little too dark for her dress ? ' I mean , how will I show my face in public again ? ! " " Mouse , the stockings are fine . " Bob said , trying to keep some semblance of peace . He could tell Dot was frustrated and that only made her madder nano by nano . " Dot , I hate to seem insensitive at a crucial moment like this , " Matrix replied , coming down the stairs to talk to his sister . " But what 's the overall game plan here ? I mean , are we all supposed to come back later and change you into a nightie ? " " I don 't know , Dot . " Enzo said , shaking his head . " I think we need a better plan . " His comment was met by the evil stares of his adult companions . Dot sighed for the countless time that second . Her neck hurt , her arms hurt , her legs … everything hurt . And worst of all , there didn 't seem to be a way for her to get out and now she 'd face the scrutiny of Mainframe if they ever saw her like this . How embarrassing could one night get ? She had singe handedly ruined the very party she had been planning . She 'd be the laughing stock of Mainframe by tomorrow , if not later that night . She looked around her enclosed area . Everyone else had gone to the dinning hall to talk to Phong and keep Miss Nit away from her . Mouse promised she 'd be back with food . Dot was getting hungry . Dot looked up to see Bob , smiling at her . He was dressed in a tux , but his bow tie looked very askew . Dot smiled back him , noticing how nice he looked tonight . She also realized this was the first time the two had been alone together since the restart . " Things are going as expected . " Dot said , trying to put some humor in the situation . " I planned this big party for you guys , I even help decorate the decor , and then I stick my head in the banister railing . This is all going towards my plan . " " Don 't worry , Dot . " he said , coming closer . " We 'll get you out . But in the meantime … um … I was wondeirng … if maybe … " " My mother taught me . " Dot replied , with a smile . " Dad couldn 't tie one either . Enzo 's just as bad . You 've noticed that they both went with collar less shirts to avoid the whole process . " " You look beautiful , Dot . " he said , stroking her cheek with his hand . " As always . " The two looked at each other , wanting to say what was on their minds , reveal how they felt about the other . " Okay . " Dot replied , now wishing she hadn 't said anything . No , she thought . Bob 's been great through this whole restart thing and I 've treated him horribly . How long did I wait for his return ? Now he 's here and I can 't say what I 've wanted to for so long ? " This ! " Dot said , waving her hand around her prison . " I didn 't want this to happen . I wanted to give you guys something for coming back and surviving and all I 'm doing is ruining your night . " " Hey , you 're not ruining my night . " the guardian replied , removing his jacket . " I came back so I could be with you again , Dot and no staircase is going to stop that . Matrix … " The rest of the gang , lead by Matrix , walked into the hallway . Under his arm , Matrix carried two rectangular boxes . Matrix placed them on the nearby table , handed one box to Bob , and then removed his jacket . " Now look , Dot , " Bob said , noticing the look on her face . " We 've waited and we 've tried to think of something else to do , but this is the bewitching millisecond . This has got to be done . " " But this has to be done , Dot . " Bob continued , as he and Matrix picked their spots around Dot 's confinement . " But I under … wait , what did you say ? " " I said , it was fine . " Dot repeated for the umpteenth time . Everyone looked at her . " Look , my neck hurts , my arms , and I 'm really in a bad mood . I want out of here and I don 't care how it 's done . " " Mouse , go watch the door . " Ray said , pointing in the direction of the dining hall . He had never seen Dot really mad before and he figured he really didn 't want to . " I 'll go and keep an eye in the dinning hall . " Enzo suggested . He turned to go , but then returned . " Hey , guys be careful , huh ? " he said , addressing Bob and Matrix as they started to saw . " I don 't want you guys cutting her head off or anything . " The guests were now assembled in the hallway , where the Rhys staircase stood . This was where the heroes would ascend and the crowd would follow them into the dinning hall . Speaking of the heroes , they stood upstairs , waiting for the cue to start going down . Miss Nit stood near the circle , looking suspiciously at them all . " I don 't know how you did it . " she said , shaking her head block . " And I don 't think I want to know how you did it . " " Well , I know one thing . " Miss Nit replied . " I don 't care if you are Mainframe 's leader , I refuse to do any more party arrangements that have any of you in either involvement or in attendance . " " Ladies and gentlemen , " she said . " The heroes of Mainframe ! " The audience applauded , as Phong , then Dot , Bob , Matrix , AndrAIa , Ray , Mouse , and Enzo followed . The group stood on the stairs , basking in the applause they were receiving . Phong was waving to the crowd , loving the attention he was getting . He placed his hand on the railing and promptly fell with the railing to the waiting crowd , who all gasped at the mishap . " He 's gonna be mad . " Bob said , gulping as he watched people gather around the wise old sprite , who seemed dazed , but okay .

This week we talk to Martyn Strange of UK band Get Funked . Martyn has built Get Funked from the ground up and now can boast to be the band leader and manager of the one of the UKs most successful cover bands . He is very focused on getting his band perfectly set up for high profile corporate and private events while at the same time always looking to see how he can better sell and market his band . There 's some big lessons in here . Brad : Hello listeners and welcome to the Gigging Success podcast . It 's Brad here . I 'm not with Del today because we 've got something a little bit special for you . I am interviewing a lovely guy called Martin Strange . Now , Martin runs a band called Get Funked . They are one of the UK 's busiest and best . They 're a fantastic band . They work a lot in the corporate market , they do a lot of high end corporate stuff , good decent weddings and bar mitzvahs and that type of thing . Really , really busy band . He 's made them really busy over the last two years . He 's doing some really great stuff in it . So , I hope you get a lot of value out of this cause martin shares some great stuff with us as well . Just remember , if you are looking to get more gigs for your band , head over to giggingsuccess . com / cbe and you can get our very special cover band essentials guide . That 's giggingsuccess . com / cbe . In the meantime let 's get into the interview . Brad : Hi . Yes . I 'm with Martin Strange . Now Martin is a fascinating character who has been managing his own band called Get Funked for quite a while now . I 've known Martin for , I don 't know , how long is it now Martin ? Kind of 4 / 5 years even now , I think … Brad : Well , let 's get straight into it . Let 's have a little bit of background on you . How did you kind of start out . Maybe if we go back , you know , to a point maybe ten years ago when you start in the business . Will you tell me … Give us a little run down of your background . Martin : Yeah sure . I 'm 30 now and I went to a music college when I was 19 years old . I think the writing was on the wall before that . I was always quite entrepreneurial at school . I 've always had some little project on the go . But whilst I was at university , that 's when I first set up my business , which at the time was a sole trader , it was a small company . Because I wanted to get gigs for myself and gigs for my friends , I wasn 't really happy with what I could see available elsewhere , so by the time I was 21 / 22 , the company had kind of found its feet a little bit and I graduated , and at that point I wasn 't a student anymore and it was my living and I had to take it a little bit more serious . So I think it 's probably been eight years now that I 've probably been taking it serious ; more serious in the last three or four years as I approach my 30s and chilled . Martin : I initially set up a company called Blue Throat Music Event Solutions , which was a strange name , but I was 21 years old and I knew no better . It was a management company for bands that I was in , bands that I wanted set up , bands that I had set up , and potentially some friends of mine , but I didn 't really want to be an agency . I wanted to work with agencies . The " Event Solutions " part of the title was I also had a bit of background in production , so I knew about live sounds and stage and lighting and things like that . Which is one thing that 's often missed by bands , they don 't take that part of what they do seriously and that sometimes is what lets them down . So I kind of offered production services as well as musicians and bands . And that grew into Gluter ( ? ) Office Management , which is a limited company which I set up I guess six or seven years ago . I knew you from a friend . I came to you to see if we could work together on stuff . I didn 't want to leave any stone unturned . I set up that company right into the middle of the recession and it was pretty bad timing , and I invested quite heavily in it which probably wasn 't the best idea . It wasn 't a good time . Who was to know what was around the corner … Martin : Well it was always about me being a musician . I mean , initially , it was because … the entrepreneurial has always been there , but I wanted to pick the gigs . I wanted to manage my own gigs because I like my own management style better than I like other peoples ' . So , yes . I was playing in all of the bands , and you know , I 'd go out of my way to cast myself . I want to be as involved in as many of the bands a possible and the performance casting . But at the time , I 'd also drive the band , I 'd lift the PA , I 'd set up the lights , I 'd even do the sound from the stage , and be in the band , and deal with the client , and it all got a bit too much . I wanted to grow , and I couldn 't find anyone to manage us or to do my job without giving up a huge amount of money . So it was a more cost effective thing and a more sensible thing at the time to get another sax player involved . So I kind of replaced myself with one of my very good friends , Jake Goss , who ever since has been the sax player in the bands that I managed . But back to the part on the recession , it was a year or two into that I decided to fold my agency ( at that point , that 's what people thought it was , but really it was still a management company ) . I folded to because the agents saw it as an agency and being as unestablished as I was , because , you know , all I had under my belt was a few years and I was based up north at the time ( I was in Leeds ) now I live in London . I decided that it was holding back my most successful band , which was a band called Get Funked . I had lots of little jazz bands and a swing band and saxophone quartets and a string quartet ( obviously , I wasn 't in that one ) . Doing a little bit of gigs but nothing like Get Funked . Get Funked was doing 100 gigs a year at the time , and it was going for a lot of money and it was is doing very well so that band needed to be its own independent company the agents would see as being the band that they 'd get to deal with , not another management company . They wouldn 't want to introduce theBrad : Well , that 's interesting because I had a note here to kind of have a chat with you about agents and this seems to be a good time to talk about that . So you found that as pitching yourself as a management company with your kind of flagship act under the banner of that management company was holding you back from building relationships with clients because they thought that your management company was competition for them Martin : Yeah , there was a flip side to it as well . The agents would look at it as " you 're an agent . " They didn 't understand that they were my bands and even if they did understand that they were my bands , they would think that they could be got elsewhere . I remember cases of introducing my band to the agent and then the agent contacting some of the musicians in the band to try and book the band . The musicians just went " It 's martin 's band . We don 't have anything to do with it . Martin runs the band . So there were some interesting experiences with some of the agents . Martin : Yeah , and I was getting everyone in my course involved in stuff . People were setting up bands all over the place … It was a little bit of a distraction . It was a conservative choir of excellence . People weren 't meant to be creating provisional music , which we were , but everyone has bills to pay and there is that sort of cliff drop at the end of university where you 've been in this safety bubble of lots of involvement in bands run for you , projects that will happen as part of your course , and when it gets to the end of it , if you haven 't got stuff got yourself , not only will you have no money you 'll have no opportunity to play your instrument . So I think they also is positive thing and I did and my friends , they still do . A lot of them are still involved in it now from my college days . The guys in the office originally would put all of the inquires that came to the university to me , which is fantastic . Martin : yeah , without realizing the market existed . It was just by chance , they saw what I was doing and said " By the way , we do get a lot of phone calls … " And it wouldn 't be enough now but at the time as a student it was more than enough , because I only had a certain capacity for dealing with clients and I was doing a full time degree , so it 'd only be once a week I 'd get an inquiry and one in three of them would turn into an event . But we 'd get 20 gigs a year for the second and third year of my degree and the bits of word of mouth . At that point we were also cheap , so people would contact the university because peopled wanted a band at student prices . That 's what we did ; we didn 't ' need to be expensive we didn 't have kids , we didn 't have mortgages . In fact , it was beer money , it wasn 't even rent money because most of the guys in the band would have some pocket money from mum and dad , they were still quite young . So obviously that changed very quickly , and when it cuts into my degree I had a chat with a friend of mine whose down in London who had a similar thing to me . His was all jazz and saxophone as well but he move into the party bands . He still runs a little agency now . He started doing AdWords and he told me all about AdWords and AdWords were the start and almost the end of me with that period of my life because … [ Laughter ] It was an interesting experience because I got hooked on AdWords at that point . Brad : Just for everyone listening , we should clarify what AdWords are . AdWords is Google AdWords which is effectively the sponsored links that you see when you search for something on Google . So at the top of the search page and the sidebar . A lot of people might know that , but just of people who don 't , this clarifies it . So you became a bit obsessed by that did you ? Martin : Yeah , because at this point , we 're talking 2005 , so I just graduated , I had the website for a year or two but the website had never done it . I was always really angry with my website guy because we never got any SEO . He 's like " Well , you know Martin . For the £ 400 you paid use for the website you don 't get SEO . " So I didn 't ' understand why it didn 't happen naturally . But we had a flash website at the time which didn 't really respond well with Google . Then I discovered that you could get at the top of the Google ranking for whatever you wanted by paying a certain amount and at this point it was fairly competitive already , but it wasn 't as competitive as it got towards the end of it . I could pay £ 30 a day and get 30 inquiries ; it used to work out about a pound an inquiry . And I 'd sponsor words like " wedding band " or " corporate party band " or " soul band " or " Jewish wedding band , " all sorts of stuff . But it was competitive . It was around a pound to be at the top , but you 'd max out . You 'd have a budget for the day , and you 'd max out quite earlier on , but if you lowered what you were prepared to pay per click , you would get any at all . You kind of had to be at the top or you wouldn 't get any traffic at all . It was quite a hard thing to manage and I didn 't manage it very well , but it really kick started my business because what we have was 13 inquiries a day from people all over the UK who 'd be finding us through Google . We were getting big blue chip companies , we 'd get big events companies . The opposite end of that was we 'd get somebody who had a working men 's club in the middle of nowhere who was having a birthday party for 30 people and wanted a band for £ 50 , and you 'd spend an hour on the phone with them going through everything . I 'd talk all about all about what we could do for them and they were really excited and the second you talked about the money the phone couldn 't go down quick enough . So , the problem with it was whilst we got lots of inBrad : So presumably , you built up quite a lot of word of mouth by that point . So you were getting referrals from your … ? Martin : We were but we were doing lots of weddings . The AdWords thing worked really well for weddings , it didn 't work really well for corporate . And at that point we weren 't doing anything in the Jewish market which is very referral based . I find that in the wedding market , it really isn 't that referral based . Nobody wants that same band that their friends had even if they loved it . Yet , quite often the people that were booking us were people who were really overstretching themselves , so we doing lots of " New Money " gigs where people would book a band because they 'd come into some money or the had a good year - this was the end of the " Good Years , " so peopled were booking us in 2006 and 2007 , for events in 2007 & 2008 . So we were doing gigs in the recession that people had contracted to back in the good days , if that makes sense . That was the corner that was turned , because suddenly … we weren 't doing lots and lots of very wealthy people 's events . We weren 't doing a lot in central London ; we were all over the home countries , all over England . We 're doing events for people who just wanted to have a big wedding , but it wasn 't necessary that demographic of chucking money at big events , if that make sense . Brad : Absolutely . So , if kind of jump up to the present day now and how you 're getting on . I know the last couple years , you really focus down on Get Funked and really targeting a particular niche market , haven 't you , and you 've had a huge amount of success with that . So tell us about that . Martin : Around that time , things weren 't going well . We struggled with getting the quantity of even we had in the past . I then looked to the agents that … When I first set up my business , I found very quickly that agents weren 't interested in us . They haven 't heard of us . We haven 't come on their radio at all . They had loads of bands . I was very young , so I 'm sure on the phone , I said something stupid from time to time , I 'm sure that the information I sent them wasn 't that appropriate . The turning point was me going " We are established now . All of the agents do know about us . All the events companies do know about us . We need to become agents friendly . " That was the point where I decided to close down the management side of the business and just set up Get Funked Limited , which is what I did , and that 's been three or four years . Thins have snow balled and things have gone very , very well . Martin : It wasn 't just becoming agent friendly It was also up scaling it . So the band went from being a 6 - or seven piece and an irregular 10 - piece option , to being a 13 - piece that would offer people a seven piece if they wanted something a little more modest . So we kind of recognized in the recession and post - recession years , people with lots of money had more money than they had before . Now the corporate market immediately dried up because big companies couldn 't be seen to be throwing lavish parties but there was still a lot of very swanky birthday parties and decent budget wedding and we did a lot in the Jewish market as well , which has been really good to us and we 've really enjoyed the work . We made our product more high - end . Now , I 've always had high expectations and high aspirations , but I 've never been happy with its performance , with what it does , how big it is . I 've always wanted it to be bigger and better , so I constantly invest everything I get into making Get Funked a real powerhouse of entertainment . At the point that it is now , it 's unrecognizable for me from ever two years ago , let alone four or five years ago when we were doing 100 gigs a year . It really is , it 's quite incredible now . I think the band is fantastic . That is why we 're busy , because people … Martin : It used to be the other way around . It was a small band with an expensive outfit for people who had more money and a bigger venue , and I did it the other way around . So , we were a big band that had a smaller option for people - and I don 't pitch as people with less money , it 's more modest events . It 's not always about how much budget they 've got , sometimes it 's just about how big it is . You can 't crow bar a 13 - piece band into a function with 100 guests and a little … Martin : Absolutely . if we had a four or five , we 'd be so busy . We 'd had an extra hundred gigs a year , because no end to the people we work with want a four or five piece option . Loads of the inquires we get , they 've got a budget and an aspiration for a four or five piece band . however , we can 't do what we do with a four or five piece band without making huge sacrifices and the band would enjoy it . Really , the problem with that is whilst it would then drop it into that market where there 's a lot more affordability , the band wouldn 't enjoy it . Really , the problem with that is , whilst it would then drop it into that market where there 's a lot more affordability , it would really devalue the higher - end product . So we are a 10 - 13 piece band with five singers or two singers ( which is the difference allocate between the two ) . We do offer discretely , it 's not on the website a seven piece band when people have something that 's a bit more modest . So to have a cheap , cheap option … it 's like when Porsche bought out the Boxster , do you know what I mean ? You 've got a higher end , you bring out something that actually a lot of people will turn up their nose at in the higher part of the market … So you 've got to be careful . Martin : Not being part of the management company was the first thing . The agents didn 't want to deal with a management company , so it was setting up Get Funked Limited . Then , what really makes you agent friendly is not having a website at all , not being available direct , and putting yourself in the hands of the agent . However , I was suspicious as to how much work the agents could get us , because there are a huge amount of clients who don 't want to work with an agent and my experience of agencies is you have clients how do want to work with an agent . I 've got one that 's booked me through the same agent through the last four years , but they 've got my direct number and it doesn 't even cross their mind to phone me direct . They like dealing with the agent . I 've got people who will go out of their way to avoid using agents . they will not use an agency , but they found themselves on an agency 's website looking at bands . So there 's no point in trying to force people out of what they want to do : They either want to work with an agent or they don 't . So we made yourselves agent friendly in as much as we had preferential agency rates , so the agents can get a better price as much as they can . So when the mark us up , they mark us up to what we charge , which means we won 't undercut them , which mean we 're not actively trying to take their business . I 'd love it if all of our bookings came from agents but the fact is a lot of the higher end clientele don 't want to book through an agent , a lot of the corporates do , but a lot of the privates don 't and our Jewish clients definitely don 't . We 've never had a Jewish function booked through an agent . So we can 't go to that point where we have no website and we rely on the agents because our business would just fall through the floor . We get a healthy amount of work through the agents and it 's valuable , and we enjoy it , and we treat it with a lot of integrity , and we always push that agent , and we try and send our clients back to them , but it 's not eBrad : you found that balance then , did you ? Brad : Okay , because one of the things which … cause I 've been on the receiving end of one of your marketing pieces which made me smile . I think it was the beginning of this year … Do you wanna . . just … Obviously you 've built a database of people in the industry that have the potential to get you gigs . Whether that 's entertainment agents , or event planners , wedding planners … So what did you do ? Tell us what you did in the beginning of the year and what was the result of that ? Martin : This is trade secrets now , so everyone [ indecipherable ] … We sent out marketing piece in the post which we haven 't done three or four years , since I was running Blue Throat and I sent out What was our brochure and it was like a £ 20 brochure of a CD and a DVD sort of popped into a brochure . Very expensive , very nice and it didn 't really work . This time I , though , we 've printed a thousand Get Funked CDs and a really nice double CD . Obviously , the CDs are coming to the end of their shelf life and I thought " What can I do to get these CDs out to people ? " " What can I do just to reach out to people and say ' We 're still here ' in a tangible way that isn 't a firm calling and isn 't an email ? " So I decided to send out a with a New Year 's card that had all our pictures over it , but it didn 't have any kind of sales pitch . It was just " Happy New Year ! Fun getting Funked ! " It didn 't have anything on it saying " Book us now ! " or " Special offers ! " It was very , very informal and friendly . And , into each one , I needed to put something as a gift . It was New Year 's Day I sent them out , so people got them on their first day back in the office although I spent my whole New Year in my office stuffing envelopes and my girlfriend wrote all the cars because my handwriting is not neat enough . It also has to be quite cost effective , so I decided to put hot chocolate in each one . so we did a bulk order of chocolate and ordered 500 rock road slabs . It 's nice , it 's nothing too lavish . The last thing you want to do is put a £ 20 gift into 500 … It 'll cost a lot of money , but people will think " Who are you trying to buy ? " It 's just meant to be a token gesture without it being cheap . Something that just represented us well . Martin : Yeah , quite high end but accessible . Everyone can really afford hotel chocolate if they just want to buy a chocolate slab . It 's on the high street but it 's still quite high end . So that 's kind of what I wanted to associate with . We did a snazzy envelope ; it was black and it all matched . The most expensive thing was the postage . There was a couple of pounds to post each one . So we spent a £ 1 , 000 just on postage and the whole thing was four or five ground , but it paid for itself by the end of February . Martin : Yeah , but mostly people on our radar and a few ransoms . I went on my LinkedIn and I 'm friends with some people on LinkedIn who I 've never met but they appear to have very glamorous jobs in some very big companies , So I found the address of that company , popper their name on it , and sent it to them and you just kind of thin " I hope it gets there and if it doesn 't , it 's gonna get to someone else and you never know they might be having a function or know something of their own . " So it worked . loads of them . I don 't know what happened to them - god knows what happened to them , I have no idea - but we had enough of a return within two or three months that it paid for itself . But actually after three months , I didn 't hear anything about it again . So if peopled didn 't deal with us within a month , two , or three , it 'd basically forgotten about . It was over with very quickly ; you had to be on the ball to get every opportunity out that came out at the time . The relationship is there with a lot people even if we haven 't spoken to them since . They will al remember us as the band that sent them chocolate and every now and again , I 'll speak to someone that says " Oh , it was you … " it just warms people to you . Martin : Yeah that was the key . It was always about the timing . I always had it in my mind it had to be the first week of January because people come into the office after Christmas and here we 've got their favorite band who was wonderful all through the Christmas period and didn 't let them down once or they got let down and they 're looking for someone new . So there 's no point in doing anything before Christmas because everyone is just manic . The first week back , the phones aren 't ringing . The emails have stopped . Everyone just wants to breathe a sigh of relief . They take down all their Christmas cards and then what they get through the post is our New Year 's card . So , instead of having 50 Christmas cards on the shelf , they 've got one New Year 's card from us . So , yes . It 's all about the timing and whilst it wasn 't totally successful in as much as I think I only dealt with 10 or 15 people of that 500 which is a pretty low rate . one of them in particular booked a £ 15 , 000 event with us within six weeks . Someone whose never heard of us before . They passed our CD on to someone they knew and that person had a very big event in August and that paid for the whole thing . Martin : Yeah , we 're doing a mail out again on New Year 's Day , but it will be different this time . There 's no gift . No CD . But it will remain … It needs to be a surprise . Brad : Yeah , no . We won 't go into that and spoil the surprise and give anyone too many of your secrets . martin , we 've come to the end now . We 've got to keep things tight . How can people get a hold of you and find out more about Get Funked and what you 're up to . Brad : Well listen , it 's brilliant . Thank you so much for sharing that with us and I could talk for a lot longer as we 've done in the past , but I think we 've got to keep it tight here . Listen , thanks very much and hope fully we 'll speak to you very soon .

Posted on June 18 , 2017 by mark Reply 26 years of teaching notched off and packed away like so many dusty boxes of memories . Of course they are more than that , and each year represents about 170 lives I got to be a part of - whether they like it or not , of course . But what I tried to do is give them a reason to like it , a reason to reflect on their own lives and their own character . It 's nothing new to say that public education needs changes . Like any large organization , there is sclerosis and fecklessness , incompetence and degradation - and there is also sacrifice and change , growth and ardor and even a little love . Will the latter outweigh the former ? One hopes . As my daughter , now a high school junior , navigates these waters , I see it through her eyes and I 'm reminded of the protean changes that have taken place since even I started . Some of those changes are surely for the better , but most are not . School administrators use " data driven " to describe their approach to education , which is absurd and George Orwell would be sadly shaking his head . The push toward standardized testing , seemingly stymied with the changes to Common Core curriculum , itself a lumbering , hackneyed political erector set , have come rearing back in the guise of more benchmarks , more kids in AP classes , more funneling individuals into the same paddock . So , at year 26 , I will keep rolling the stone up the hill - pushing back and starting year 27 in my classes asking my students to reflect what they read onto themselves . In the end , it is their character we are building and if we continue down this path , they will only be able to say their character is just like anyone else 's . I hope to stem that tide . Posted on October 16 , 2016 by mark 13 He was tall and lanky and had dark hair and bright eyes . Brett was an athlete , he had been since he was a boy , and he carried it with him into his 40 's as he continued to be an avid golfer and surfer . We met 20 years ago for the first time when he subbed for me as I missed school one day during my first year of teaching at Camarillo High School , seven years into my teaching career . We remained friends since . We weren 't natural friends - that is , we didn 't spend all of our time together . We had common interests , though and those grew as I got back into baseball these past few years . In August of last year , we went to an Angels game together along with my wife , Sue , and had a great time . Shannon is a year older than Brett 's daughter and when they were young , during the summer months , Shannon and I would go to Brett 's house and swim in his pool while Shannon and Brett 's daughter did , too . We were dads , we had that in common too , and we would bbq a couple of hot dogs , drink a beer or two and spend the summer afternoons hanging out together . As the girls grew into teenagers and went their way , we both looked back on those times fondly and we talked of them often . My heart has been broken so many times this year , that it is mere scar tissue holding it together . Brett was 45 years old and had people he loved and who loved him very much . He was lovable and kind - always looking out for others . He kept secrets about himself , that is true , but perhaps we all do at some level . I remember referring to Brett as " the rookie , " and he continued with that moniker , at least to me , for many years . Brett loved teaching - he loved history and he looked forward to days he had organized and focused lesson plans to share with kids . He liked kids , too . He related with them well and he enjoyed their company . He was good to them and they responded to that . He would often leave early from the " breakfast club " because he had to set something or other up for his morning . He would unlock his room early so kids could leave things in there - athletes left gear , others left unused textbooks or projects they couldn 't carry around all day . Brett was their go - to guy . Brett was an atheist , or perhaps agnostic . In the years I knew him , we would talk about faith and God and he would say , " I 've never experienced it - never had the feeling . " He tried going to church , but said " it didn 't work for me . " Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question : We are willing to help , Lord , but what , if anything , is needed ? For it is true , we can seldom help those closest to us . Either we don 't know what part of ourselves to give or , more often than not , the part we have to give is not wanted . And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us . But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding . Posted on March 26 , 2016 by mark 4 For almost 10 years , I 've identified myself as a writer . Publicly and even privately , I 've indicated that I 'm a journalist , a writer and a reporter . I have business cards that say so . My social media profiles indicate it . I have bylines in the New York Times , the San Jose Mercury News , the Ventura County Star , The Acorn , Ventana Magazine , Christianity Today and half a dozen others . It 's who I thought I was . At the same time , I was a high school English teacher . I never kidded myself - teaching is my bread and butter . It 's how I 've been able to buy the three homes I 've owned , at least partially - and it 's how I have health insurance and a pension and all the things that really allow me the life I have . In October , certain that I needed to take a break from the punishing effects of having two careers , I took a hiatus from reporting and writing . I finished up a few stories for Ventana magazine and I put aside my laptop as a work device and I turned back to my classroom , engaged in teaching , grading , lesson - planning and working with my students . I purposely avoided ( and continue to avoid ) committees and meetings that I can avoid and focus primarily on my job as a teacher . It was as much a surprise to me as it was to my family , I think . January came and I had no real compunction to jump back into the game . By the end of the month , however , I contacted one editor at the Ventura County Star , the local daily newspaper where I had done most of my work , and said I was ready to come back on a limited basis - that is , maybe one or two stories a month . Nothing fancy . But the Star , which only a year ago had been sold , was being sold again - and the budget axe that fell this time cut deep into bone and tissue as far as I can tell and lay offs were deep and wide . People I know that had worked at the Star for more than 20 years were suddenly faced without employment . The great American corporate spirit of destroying something in order to save it was on full display . In brief , the freelance budget was one of the first things to go . And other than the loss to the community , the First Amendment and my friends ( surely a tale for another time ) , I found myself not caring about my place in it all . I wasn 't concerned , I didn 't panic and contact multiple other editors looking for work , though I contacted one or two locally to see if there might be a story to write , and I found none . I went from being one of the busiest freelance journalists I know to being completely out of work and , as Shakespeare would say , " cold for action . " There was nothing on the horizon . I continue to be surprised as anyone about how nonplussed I am about it . If I scratch at the itch long enough , I admit that I do miss parts of it - but just parts - and I do not sit around thinking wistfully about the next writing gig I get or the next editor 's phone call . When I was in my 30 's , I set out to become a freelance writer , a content contributor , a journalist and a reporter . I 've accomplished that . I 've written for some of the greatest publications in the world ( Decanter Magazine , the New York Times ) and I 've been a regular contributor to publications I 've always wanted to write for ( San Jose Mercury News , Silicon Valley Business Journal ) . I 've met celebrities whom I 've admired , interviewed people whose stories are so heartbreaking and beautiful that I cried with and for them , shared meals , coffee and drinks with literally hundreds of people whom I would have never before known and I 've covered the poor who celebrate Easter with thanks and grace and I 've covered the rich who sometimes mindlessly hoard and other times anonymously share - their abundance . I accomplished a goal I set for myself 20 years ago and , short of continuing to do more of the same , I feel like I achieved something . I didn 't get rich in the bargain . In fact , owed to my wife 's and my colossally bad business decisions at home , I got poorer . I lost the house I owned last , I 'm in debt up to my eyeballs and at 50 , I 'm not thinking about a nice long vacation - I 'm thinking about whether I can afford a weekend away somewhere with my family and whether we can arrange to buy a slightly used car that has enough safety features for me to be comfortable with my soon - to - be 15 year old daughter behind the wheel . But I did meet new friends , I did learn about people in ways I never have before . I stretched out into worlds I had no other business being in and learned about different lives and different eyes . My career as a journalist contributed to my ability to host foreign exchange students like Soife and Conni and now , I have friends across the world with whom I communicate regularly . I find myself looking at the world in ways I didn 't before I met these people and I realize that I got as much from them as they got from any publicity my stories brought them . I know I 'm a better teacher because of my journalism career and I know I 'm more open - minded and open - hearted . The short version , so as not to bore you , is that in 2007 , I went into spring semester wondering what I 'd do for the summer . I didn 't want to sit around . We weren 't planning any big vacations and I didn 't want to do summer school . I 'd been writing stories for a few magazines and enjoyed it - I was a journalist before I became a teacher - but the work was spotty . I called the local paper to see if I could freelance or string , something that would bring in a few bucks and allow me to work as a journalist . Within a couple of days , I had several assignments and the list kept growing . Before long , I found myself working nearly two full - time jobs . I would have one or two assignments every week and after school would go do interviews or make phone calls and then sit in the evening and tap out the story . Weekends were booked - I had a story every Saturday and Sunday . I even got three stories one weekend until my editor found out and that was frowned upon - too many bylines in one name . By 2011 , I was " making a living " as a reporter and still working full - time as a teacher . I made more money as a freelance writer in that year than many of the full - time staff at the local paper . Because of the paper 's use of an online platform called " ebyline , " I was picking up more work , too . I even got to string for the New York Times . In 2012 and through last year , I was writing regularly for the San Jose Mercury News , the Ventura County Star , Ventana Magazine , The Pacific Coast Business Times , the Silicon Valley Business Journal , the Acorn ( a local weekly here ) and a couple of others . I loved it - and still do . I suppose that was the stars aligning and so I 've taken a hiatus from being a journalist . I 'm finishing one more piece today for Ventana magazine for the Holiday edition and that will be the end of my assignments for a while . I 'm not quitting - I love it too much to do that . But through the holidays and into the new year , I 'll be a husband , a dad and a teacher pretty much in that order . Sometime in February , I expect to pick back up again and do a few stories . We 'll see how it goes . I 'm feeling rather like this post - sort of perfunctory and basic . I 'll continue to write , but not much of it will be for publication in any way . My Ventana editor may ask me to do a few things here and there , but certainly not until after the new year , and I 'm glad of the time . My focus for eight years has been on being a teacher and a journalist and they are both jobs I love - but it was time to pull back and have a rest . I 'm looking forward to that . I 'm relatively new to baseball mania . As a kid , I went to a few games , my first was at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh in 1974 . The Cardinals beat the Bucs 3 - 2 in that game and I remember being somewhat disappointed , though not heartbroken . When we moved to Los Angeles in 1975 , dad had season tickets to the Dodgers and though I never grew to be a fan , I loved going to Dodger Stadium and watching that line - up : Steve Garvey , Davey Lopes , Bill Russell , Ron Cey , Steve Yeager . But other things caught my attention in adolescence and I fell away from baseball for a very long time , only occasionally keeping an eye on what the Pirates were up to . I didn 't know players or scores and I didn 't know stats or histories and I didn 't care . So it was as much a surprise to me as it was to anyone when a couple of years ago , I found myself caring again about baseball . I 'm not even sure when or why it happened . It did coincide with the Pirates making the playoffs in the past couple of years , but that 's as distinct as I get . I don 't know what spurred me in May of last year to grab tickets to a Pirates v . Dodgers game and invite my dad along . He accepted and the two of us went and had a great time together . The Pirates won that game 2 - 1 . Interested enough in the baseball experience by now , though not sold on the expensive and crowded Dodger Stadium games , I opted to expand my southern California baseball stadium experience and go to see the Angels in Anaheim play . It 's a longer drive to Anaheim , with traffic ( and there 's always traffic ) it can be close to three hours in the car . But my friend Scott and his sons and Shannon and I headed down to see the Angels play Baltimore . We had seats in the outfield along the third base line for less than $ 20 and that included a hot dog and a soda . Parking was cheaper and easier and the stadium is really quite beautiful - nicer than Dodger stadium , if not flecked with the same kind of history . And the Angels are a championship team in general , though not this year . The Orioles won that game 5 - 0 . Emboldened by the experience , I saw on the Angels ' schedule that the first place Toronto Blue Jays were due to play the Angels and I bought the same tickets I had previously along with Sue and my friend Brett . The Blue Jays did not disappoint and while I rooted for the Angels , I went home disappointed with a 12 - 5 blowout of the halos . My baseball interest was being properly tempered by the truism : You can 't win them all . The Bucs came to San Diego in May this year , it happened to be one year later to the day when dad and I saw them in L . A . , so I invited dad again and to my unending surprise - not only did he come along , but so did Sue and Shannon and we met Sue 's brother and his wife 's brother at the game and completed my southern California stadium experience at Petco Park . Once again , the Bucs won and I was two for two on the west coast . I watched later via the Internet as Pittsburgh swept the Giants in a three - game series and while they weren 't scheduled to play the American league teams on the west coast , they 'd made a clean sweep of the National League . Last night , the Bucs were at Dodger stadium , game two of a three - game stand and the Friday night game was a typical Dodger blowout . The first place Dodgers are an impressive looking team and they beat up on Pittsburgh 6 - 2 . I was given tickets to the game by my former principal , Glenn Lipman , who is a Dodger season ticket holder . I learned only on Friday night that the great Clayton Kershaw would pitch for the Dodgers against the Bucs southpaw Francisco Liriano . It was my chance to see one of the great MLB pitchers in action , though I wouldn 't be rooting for him , and the seats Glenn gave me were spectacular - loge section along the third base line . Kershaw did not disappoint . He is truly a marvel to watch . Tall and lanky , he was built for the job and when he winds up , he pulls his left arm back and digs into some reservoir of speed and fear and timing and he bullets the ball toward home plate with a kind of eagerness that isn 't really apparent on any other team . I 'm not a sportswriter - but come to think of it , that would be a cool gig . I 'm a writer though , and it would be hard not to describe the game . Dodger Stadium has loyal , loud and boisterous fans . The energy is electric and since the stadium is so large - holding more than 50 , 000 people , the thundering and persistent power of fanatical waves of blue and white are overwhelming for a guy wearing the other team 's hat . The Dodgers scored first and did so in style as Justin Ruggiano scored on a smash to right field by Howie Kendrick . But while they scored one more point in the seventh inning , the Bucs scored two when Andrew McCutheon whacked a double in the third inning driving home Mercer and Liriano . The Pirates scored one more time in the eighth inning and held the Dodgers to two . The 9th inning had me on my feet , biting my nails and yes , even praying - as the Bucs ' Mark Melancon took the mound and in flawless fashion pulled three up and sent three down . Note : I don 't recommend praying for your team - I know people do . But it didn 't feel right to me . The electric energy spun into a deafening whir as Corey Seager grounded out to third and the hordes let out a collective sad sigh - and headed for the parking lot . In deference , and perhaps out of misplaced fear , I doffed my Pirates cap until I walked out of the stadium . But I never stopped smiling - and my faith in the Pirates - in baseball - was bolstered . Posted on May 15 , 2015 by mark 9 The bright sun doesn 't catch me in bed these days and , in fact , hasn 't for some years . I 'm up by 5 : 30 in the morning and out the door by 6 : 30 . That part of the routine hasn 't changed . I 'm in a very different place than I was even last year or two years ago with the end of this school year . I can remember several years ago not wanting the year to end . I enjoyed it too much and reveled in it daily . Now , I 've taken too many sips at the cup I 've been proffering for too long , and I can 't wait until the last day of school . There is the one student who found an incredible story of a lonely and lost young man , who fell in love and then went to war . The tainted tryst in which Edward Thomas was involved with his beloved Eleanor also included Robert Frost and it appears that he may have actually written The Road Not Taken about Thomas . I awakened when my student found this and decided to write about it - it was the one bright spot in the whole thing . There have been others now , too . A film by two of the quietest and most demure students I know has shown me that what I taught wasn 't lost on them at all . They used sparse images , flashback sequences and a brilliant narration using recordings from Apocalypse Now to augment their story of a man suffering from post traumatic stress disorder , basing the entire narrative on Siegfried Sassoon 's Repression of War Experience . But without realizing it at first , I 've slipped into a bit of the trauma . For five weeks , I 've immersed myself , marinated myself , into the dark crevices of horror , chaos and catastrophe that were WWI . I 've allowed myself to have the nightmares and I 've awakened with fright at gun sounds , pops and snaps , loud noises - that only existed in my dreams . The terrible obligation of telling this story has become a weight too great to bear . Instead of having insecure teacher dreams in August or September , I 'm having them now - fretted with the unbearable task of making these kids understand Wilfred Owen 's " warning : " Dulce Et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori . But now , after looking at student projects , reading papers and seeing first - hand the uneven keel of the students who are fascinated , the ones repelled and mostly , the ones who could not give a damn , I 'm just left feeling like I accomplished very little . I feel like the year got away from me , like I lost the grip of the literature and I can see in their eyes the yawning indifference to yet another middle - aged man , trying to be cool to keep their interest in something that is completely and utterly lost on them . I seem to have fallen off the beam - lost the balance somewhere between acceptance that all of us took high school very unseriously once upon a time - and the opposite extreme of thinking that this high school career they have is the only thing that matters in their young lives . I can 't find the sweet spot , the place that says , " I know you 're probably bored . Let me try to give you something to think about … " But then the overwhelming suffocation of these last years comes smothering down like a thick blanket . I can 't fix the entitlement feelings and the overbearing parents . I can 't fix the drug use , the willful ignorance and the cruelty . I 'm not even a tool in that shed - it 's beyond me and moving faster everyday , speeding toward some gravitational center where all of the selfish egos of this new age will explode in an omnidirectional fireball of self - righteous indignation . The only cure I know of is radical change - the kind of change that calls into question all of my past habits . As careers go , teaching is brilliant - if you make it that way . But I 've been caught in the spiral of doing the same thing I did three years ago , hoping it works and finding that some alteration , some change - either in me , or in the students , has left those pedagogical tools in the dust . Posted on October 25 , 2014 by mark 1 The ineffable pull of direction as I grow into middle age is harder to manage . It 's not demands on my time that I mind , it is demands on my personality and my sense of self . Until suddenly , I awake with that very feeling I didn 't expect - the one I should have dealt with many years ago , but did not : I don 't know who I am … Definitions by career are specious because careers don 't last forever and they tend to be narrowly focused . Definitions by family stick , but sometimes I don 't want them to . I 'm not who my father was and I 'm not who my brothers are . My wife and daughter define me very much so - but in the dark , at moments of quiet , that still small voice whispers and the message is clear : " I am I . Who are you ? " I think I 'm supposed to answer , but I haven 't . I don 't . I dare not . It is not jitters , per se . It isn 't queasiness or loneliness . I 'm not uneasy about being alone and at times I find myself very focused , very intent and in a state of being with which I am very comfortable . But it is process , not definition . It is evolving each time and there is no fixed place for it : A page to turn , words to write or read , good food and wine , laughter with friends or family , a walk with my dog and a cool breeze heralding a change of seasons . So , I wander back into the classroom for the very narrow sense of career definition and I pull myself up to the desk and pick up a copy of Mary Shelley 's Frankenstein . I begin to vibrate with the book 's energy . It is at once language that is ethereal and gorgeous and also , stilted and lacking energy - its characters caught in a tragedy of their own making , seeking fame , fortune and eternal salvation because they drove harder than the person before them . It reeks and drips with images of power misused and love malformed and it haunts me even as I begin to decide how to bring it to life for students . I 'm captured now and I see a moment , a well - spring of ideas and I get to put them in motion , slowly and carefully so that the students I manage can see them and decide which one is theirs . When they do - inexorably , they link to a moment , a passage , a piece of lilting language that lifts them to something they barely recognized while reading Shakespeare previously - but it 's theirs now . They get it , they feel it and understand it and it both thrills and frightens them . They are being warned - they are being told and they are being disciplined and they are drawn to it , though they do not want to be . I 'm breathless . It 's exhausting , but in the way that good exercise is . I find myself ensconced in their world and sensing all of their insecurities come to life in a sterile and ugly classroom where they 're wrestling with things they thought they wouldn 't have to wrestle with : " My life isn 't supposed to happen in an English class , " they say . But it is happening and they have to deal with it . When I leave to go home for the day , I 'm wrestling too . I 'm back in the moment of seeing myself in their young eyes and feeling the tapped energy of a cycle that is , in essence , the journey of self - of learning who I am by learning about who other people are . It is beautiful in its own way but I remain detached , a little stand - offish and I wonder how I can embrace it even closer to me and the answer comes in the form of poetry and of words , yes - and of time with people I love and a good bottle of wine and it comes in the cool breeze of a late afternoon walk and the sweat built from climbing hills and moving faster with each pace . Posted on June 1 , 2014 by mark Reply I awoke this morning earlier than perhaps I would have liked . I took yesterday off entirely after having been out late with my father . I hopped on a spontaneous opportunity to go see my favorite baseball club , the Pittsburgh Pirates , play at Dodger Stadium . Dad lives about three hours north of here , but I sent him an e - mail asking him if he wanted to go relive our youth - we spent many an evening at Dodger Stadium in the 1970 's and 80 's - and see the game and to my surprise , he was game . He drove south and we went together on a Friday night , braved the traffic and headed to Dodger Stadium . When I was a kid , dad 's company was working with then Dodger - manager Tommy Lasorda to produce some motivational films . They didn 't become close friends or anything , they just met and worked for a short time together . Dad and his company colleagues would get season tickets and we 'd use them every so often . On our drive down , we discussed whether or not Lasorda was even still around and we didn 't know the answer . But as we arrived at the stadium , we walked over behind left - field where Lasorda 's Trattoria sits . It 's a walk - up fast Italian food affair and it 's expensive as all get out . But , it 's baseball and we were having fun . We went to sit down and noted that there were half a dozen police officers and security officers around us . This isn 't unusual at Dodger Stadium these days , I 'm told , because the fact is , things can get nasty as they did when a young man was beaten senseless for being a San Francisco Giants fan . Things like that don 't just bother me , they scare me , anger me , enrage me … and it 's probably one of the dozen or so reasons I haven 't gone to a Dodger game since I was a boy . In the 80 's , we didn 't fear for our lives as we went outside to the parking lot . Anyway , as it happened , there was an older gentleman with thinning white hair sitting behind us with about a dozen people at his table . He was holding court and talking and the voice was unmistakeable - I couldn 't see his face as his back was turned to us - it was indeed Mr . Lasorda . Mystery solved . He is still quite alive , still Mr . Dodger and is a prince in his very domain . The Pirates won the game , which made me happy and inexplicably made dad unhappy . He 's now a Dodger fan he 's decided . I told him if I 'd known , I would not have bought the tickets - but I was kidding , of course . It was a great night . Which brings me back to this morning . I had two stories to cover and the first one was out at Pt . Mugu State Beach where the National Park Service , which holds dominion over that part of the southern end of the Santa Monica Mountains , was hosting a family fishing day . I arrived early , but so did a bunch of others . Kids with parents in tow and vice - versa rolled out onto the beach . But who wouldn 't ? The scene was extraordinary and beautiful and peaceful . Home to write the piece - and then off to Ventura County 's largest food and wine festival , the Casa Pacifica Wine , Food and Brew Festival . I was working , but really , how can you call it work ? It was 5000 people , most of whom know each other in some way , enjoying the best food and beverages all to raise money for Casa Pacifica , a worthy cause indeed . Posted on May 12 , 2014 by mark Reply The heat wave has come slowly , but come it did . 90 's today and hotter through Thursday of this week - maybe even Friday . Wind , too . Lots and lots of wind . But none of that prepared me for this evening which turned out to be , not cool , but cool - ish . So Shannon and I hooked up Simon for a walk and strolled about a mile and a half , down by the park in between the baseball players . It felt good , actually and taking advantage of it seemed mandatory . It won 't be that cool again for a week or so . So the school year draws down to a sweet , simple end while we swelter away . God help us that the May / June gloom , one of the happiest weather phenomenons of Southern California , will return before the end of the month . I cannot say the school - year was a good one . The kids were just fine for the most part , but as the giant , grinding , heartless education bureaucracy grinds on and grows bigger - it becomes less interested in creativity and natural force and trades them in favor of the synthetic and the sameness of tests , standards and rule - enforcement . It 's actually like watching a train wreck occurring - there 's nothing you can do to stop it and if you don 't get out of the way , you 'll become part of it . That is , of course , the paradox of teaching - the bureaucracy inexorably demands you join it and if you don 't , you end up being labeled " rebellious " and " rogue . " Well , these are terms I 've come to embrace . I 'm not going to jeopardize my job - but I 'm not going to give in and get crushed under the grinding wheel . There 's a searching nature about this time and I 'm not entirely sure where that search will lead . Spring is indeed the soul - chasing season and I feel like I am chasing mine just now . Sometimes the answers are big and grand and I 'm content with them and feel like I 'm whole , just so : a finished article , a new editor and a challenging assignment . Other times , I feel like there 's a ways to go and it will take some time before I get there : a grinding day in the classroom , paperwork and forms , layers of regulations , draining finances . And that 's spring , now - a hot and windy crucible , a glorious and lush day of sunshine and cool breeze , an evening walk with my daughter , a soul - crushing meeting or two and the constant deep abiding love that Sue and I share . The dance requires all of these things and the hard part is knowing that you want more of some and less of the other . That 's what wakes you up every day . That 's what keeps you wondering what 's next . Art does not come easy . It 's also , at times , vastly over - rated as a kind of spiritual entry point . If your art is good , your salvation will be assured . I 'm not certain it 's all about art , however . Sometimes craft is just as important . Consider the simple act of writing . Good writing can indeed be art - and much of it is . Much more of it , of course , is slop - even journalistic slop such as the kind your humble correspondent dabbles in on a regular basis . It 's times like these when one realizes that this slop is , in fact , craft - and hopefully , good craft - the kind that earns a few bucks , yes - but it also tells a simple story and does so in a society that , though it doesn 't always realize it , has story in its lifeblood . First amendment prattle , yes - I assure you . But the liberty to say and do as we wish is not as American as apple pie or baseball - it is the standard by which those latter two are measured . What good is baseball without Babe Ruth 's story or Jackie Robinson 's or Roberto Clemente 's ? What good an apple pie without the story of the orchard and the recipe that grandma got from the German immigrant couple next door ? It 's their stories that live on and it 's their craft , the one they practiced everyday from childhood that makes them who they are . Art ? Maybe . Craft ? Yes . Telling those stories , though perhaps they won 't last forever , is still a vital function and I feel bound to it in a way . It 's digging in this particular soil and tugging at these particular roots to see where they grow that allows me to somehow feel connected . The craft is constantly there , but the art is indeed hard to come by . I have assignments that are beyond me at times and I start to slide away from them because what I want isn 't the same as what the editor wants or the goals get turned upside down . It happens . But it doesn 't change the overall charge to keep the craft going . And I think the reason for the craft is to aim for art , knowing full well that you may not arrive there very often . It 's all the smaller sculptures sitting on tables , counters and desks that add up to the great statue admired by the public . It 's nightly dinners , crafted carefully , chopped , diced , sliced , cooked , steamed and baked that lead to the rustic perfection of simple gracious goodness that appears one evening with the perfect bottle of wine . Norman Maclean has been one of my favorite writers for many years , now . His spartan use of language in simple detail and perfect description without sentimentality is something of a cross between honest journalism and novel originality . But it 's also a constant reminder to me that my own craft 's salvation will probably not come in the form of one poetic license writ upon the page that changes lives . Instead , it will come by grace - and that means it won 't come easy , either .

We didn 't have a white Christmas this year . White Christmas ' just aren 't in the cards when you travel to Louisiana . But we did have a lot of fun with my family , so I think we ended up faring well despite not getting the fluffy white stuff . Brayden and Connor were SO excited about traveling to my parents house . Brayden actually traveled really well . Connor did as well as a two year old could do , but about 8 hours into the 12 hour trip ( both ways ) , he would have an all out whine fest . It was fun for no one . We got into Baton Rouge at 12 : 30am . I wish I had had video . Both boys were so excited to be there , and stood at the back door to my parents house like they were waiting to win a million dollars . And when Poppa D rounded the corner and they saw him ? Goodness gracious , I hope the neighbors didn 't wake up ! They both started squealing uncontrollably . It . Was . Precious . Connor ran into my parents room to see my mom after they greeted my dad . Connor gave her a big hug and then said " get out of bed ! " Riding bikes . My parents live on a cul - de - sac , and have a long , flat driveway . Perfect for little boys to refine their bicycling skills . Watching tv with Poppa D . Swiss Family Robinson was playing on Christmas Eve , and the boys were enamoured . I still don 't know if it was because of the movie or because of my dads awesome commentary , but either way , we have that one on our " to buy " list for the boys . They LOVED it ! Snuggle time with Gigi . the boys rarely snuggle with Drew and I , but with Gigi , they were always asking for her to hug them . I was also told by Brayden that I don 't scratch backs as good as Gigi . Time with cousins . Brayden and Connor LOVE their cousin Zoe . Brayden told us that he wants a baby just like Zoe : ) ( I caught both of them under the chair , and Connor was talking to Zoe . They had Braydens jingle bell bracelet , so it 's almost as if they are conspiring together on how to keep it from him ) trying to get 2 kids to look at the camera is a challenge . Trying to get 3 ? Impossible . This needs a caption SO badly . I crack up every time I look a this picture . I 'm so thankful for the memories that were made at my parents house this Christmas , and thankful for family to share them with ! ( More Christmas pictures to come . . . ) Continue Reading » We are slowly coming out of the post - traveling funk . I feel like I just draaagggg for several days after traveling . And it doesn 't help that I 'm pregnant , so even doing mundane every day tasks can zap me of any energy I may have . Friday we had a few flurries in the morning . Brayden was disappointed , telling me that he wanted big snow , like snowballs in the sky like on Beauty and the Beast . The snow stopped not long after is started , and the boys and I settled in for a good , long nap . Imagine our surprise when we woke up and the ground was covered in over 1 . 5 inches of snow ! Brayden and Connor were besides themselves with excitement . It took all of my energy trying to keep them from running outside in shorts and t - shirts . Brayden would run really fast and then just throw himself onto the ground . He LOVED it . Also , please excuse our patio furniture , which blew everywhere while we were gone last week . That 's two slaughtered cows right there , split between several families . When Drew got back he put together the play kitchen that Connor got for his birthday but that we hadn 't put together yet . The boys LOVE their kitchen , and we spent a lot of Saturday afternoon " eating " their concoctions that they came up with . Brayden was so proud of the many things he created . When I told him he needed to wash his dishes , he went back to the play kitchen , looked around and then said " where 's the dishwasher ? ! " ha ! Drew decided last minute to take Brayden to his first Razorback basketball game on Saturday night . I wish I had video taped Brayden 's reaction when I told him he needed to get dressed to go to a basketball game . His face was priceless and he was SO excited . He fared really well , lasting almost the entire game . Today was a day of rest for the most part . We had a family trip to Sam 's , which included lots of food samples and soft pretzels . I love days like today , especially when I have a week with no childcare on the agenda and lots of errands that I have to run , including the boys flu shot boosters . Happy New Year to All ! For the few weeks leading up to his little program , Brayden and I practiced his songs with youtube videos . It was so cute listening to him as he walked around the house singing the songs to himself . The night before the program I told him that Drew and I would be there to watch him . He looked at me with big eyes and then hit his thigh and said " I just can 't believe it mom ! " ha ! When we got to Brayden 's school they were lining up outside of the classrooms . I found Brayden wearing his jeans and his undershirt . Apparently he was " too hot " and couldn 't wear his button up . The high that day was in the low 50s . The possibility of him actually being too hot was slim . Little stinker just doesn 't like to dress up ! He . Is . A . Mess . I love how confident he is . When the kids came into the room to perform , Brayden found us in the crowd and tried to come and sit with us . He finally figured out he needed to stay up at the front with his class . Once they started singing Brayden would look over at Drew and give him a thumbs up . He was so proud of himself . After the kids sang they each gave a coke to their mom and dad . Brayden went back for one for me but didn 't see the second stack so he thought they were all out of cokes . He was DEVASTATED and ran out of the room crying . A teacher found him and asked him what was wrong and through sobs , he said he wasn 't able to give his mommy a coke . Bless his heart . They found another one and he came to me and gave me the biggest hug . He definitely keeps me on my toes , but I love seeing his sensitive side come out too : ) Brayden , I 'm so proud of you and can 't believe you 're big enough to have a Christmas program . I can 't wait to see you perform in many , many more ! Continue Reading » We 're officially back from Christmas vacation . Our travel plans were delayed thanks to a Christmas snow storm that hit Central Arkansas on Christmas night . We weren 't quite sure what to expect today when we left Baton Rouge , but are ever so thankful to not have had a single moment of worry in regards to road conditions during our travels . I 'm a bit exhausted from the trip , and looking forward to a few days of laying low to recuperate . Our time with family was fun and filled with lots of laughter . You can bet your bottom dollar I 'm up to my eyeballs in digital images that I 'll be sifting through and organizing over the next few days , and sharing on this here blog . For now , I 'll rest my weary feet ( only a pregnant woman would have weary feet after traveling in a car for 12 hours ) , and share with you my pregnancy at 17 weeks ( which I realize is so late that I should probably just combine 17 and 18 ) . How Far Along : 17 weeks , 5 days . Total Weight Gain / Loss : 5 pounds was the last I checked , and I really am scared to step on a scale after 1 week of homemade cooking , Christmas goodies and cajun food . Maternity Clothes : I 'm in all maternity wear , although I wear sweats and t - shirts most days , and can still pull off non - maternity sizes in those things . Gender : We 'll find out January 7th ! I still kind of think it may be a girl , but Movement : I 've felt flutters every now and then , but nothing consistent . Still waiting for those sure bumps and punches : ) Symptoms : No more braxton hicks . . . that was a praise ! I think I was dehydrated . Just your typical pregnancy symptoms at this point - - frequent trips to the bathroom and sudden cravings : ) Also , this isn 't really a symptom , but I have definitely " popped " this week . I 'm not sure if it 's due to baby growing or momma eating too much over Christmas . ha ! What I miss : sleeping on my tummy . I also miss being able to walk into my closet and wear whatever I wanted . Sounds weird , since I do have maternity clothes , I just much prefer regular clothes over elastic waist - banded jeans : ) Cravings : this past week I was craving seafood and cajun food . Good thing to crave when you 're in Louisiana ! I ate my weight in boudin , cracklins and shrimp ! Food Aversions : Nothing this week , which I was thankful for since I was at my moms , and no one really wants to pass up home cookin ' by their momma ! Best Moment this week : Spending Christmas with my family . What I am looking forward to : Finding out if this baby is a he or a she . And praying that if it 's a she that we can agree on a girl name ( I think we 're pretty sure what we 'd name the baby if it 's a boy ) . The past 9 years have been : fun , happy , hard , filled with laughter ( and tears ) , filled with the highest of highs and some of the lowest of lows . The great thing about marriage is not that it is always great , but that you are able to walk through life with someone that will ( hopefully ) point you to the One who IS always Great . Drew does that for me . He is my sandpaper . Sometimes I don 't like it , because let 's face it , sanding off the rough edges sometimes sucks . BUT . . . he is patient with my weird quirks . He loves me for who I am . He completes me in ways I didn 't even know I needed to be completed . He points me to Jesus and makes me want to be a better person . And he is even a better dad to our kids that I ever thought he 'd be . My life is richer because I became his Mrs . Happy Anniversary , Drew ! I 'm so glad I get to be your wife . Thanks for loving me well . I love you , and look forward to many more anniversaries in the future : ) PS - I just have to laugh at the difference in the two pictures . Clearly parenting has done a number on us - - check out the bags under our eyes . haha ! Continue Reading » When we got there , they both wanted to see the gorilla that sits outside of the door to the office . Brayden even asked if I had my camera , because he wanted his picture taken with him . Trying to get both of them to look at the camera is pretty much impossible . Plus , they were both so enthralled with the fact that the gorilla was a Razorback football player : ) When we got inside Connor was even more excited to see the ginormous salt water fish tank . All anyone heard in that waiting room was " DORY ! NEMO ! DORY ! NEMO ! " I didn 't get pictures , which is kind of sad , because I 'm sure Connor thought the fish tank was the most epic part of his day . When we were called to the back Brayden hopped on up into the chair like he 's done this every day ( it was his third time to go ) . He chose Toy Story as the movie to watch , and told Connor to just be brave like him . Connor watched with great curiousity , but when it was his turn to go he wasn 't quite sure about the entire situation . I had to hold his hands down for part of his visit , so I wasn 't able to get many pictures . I did manage to get this one : And on a funny note , tonight when I came home from grocery shopping , the boys were getting ready to go to bed . Connor had apparently thrown a fit about wearing certain jammies that were not appropriate for the winter season . So Drew got nifty and just put everything on over his footed fleece jammies . How hilarious is this ? ! Maternity Clothes : I 'm in pretty much all maternity wear now . My regular pants still fit , but they get uncomfortable by the end of the day . I actually wear sweats and t - shirts most days . Gender : We 'll find out January 7th ! Based solely on the way I am carrying this baby , I feel like it might be a girl ( I was WAY lower with the boys ) . I 'll be happy with either . . . I just really want a healthy baby ! Movement : I 'm pretty sure I 've felt flutters this week . Nothing strong enough to feel with my hand on my belly . Sleep : I 've had a rough go of sleep this past week . Guess I 'm gearing up for those long nights . Symptoms : a few flutters of movement . On Monday I had a few braxton hicks contractions . That took me a little off guard since I 've never had them this early with my boys . What I miss : sleeping on my tummy . Cravings : still craving Mexican food . Food Aversions : this weekend at our Christmas party someone brought an artichoke cheese dip . I normally love that stuff , but for some reason I could NOT eat it . SO strange . What I am looking forward to : We only have 3 more weeks till we know if it 's a boy or a girl ! ! ! I really want to nail down names , but we either haven 't had time , or have not found one that we both really like . Continue Reading » As a busy mom that is on the go a lot , sometimes it 's just a little stressful heading to the store with both kids in tow . Trying to grab what I need while simultaneously keeping my kids at bay . . . yeah , it gives me stomach ulcers . Which is why , whenever possible , I try to make my purchases online . Recently I was introduced to the P & G eStore . If you 've ever shopped ( which would be most people ) , then I 'm sure you 're probably familiar with P & G brands . The P & G eStore is a GREAT solution for moms like me . It offers all of my favorite brands in one spot , bundling my favorite products , offering great deals , and I can do it all in the comfort of my own home . I thought I 'd share two of our favorite and most used P & G items in our home , both of which are offered in the P & G eStore . My mom bought Brayden a rechargeable Oral - B toothbrush about a year ago . We love it ! It makes tooth brushing SO much easier for little ones , and I feel like it cleans Braydens teeth a lot better than a manual toothbrush . The head of the toothbrush is small , so even though this toothbrush isn 't specifically made for children , it still works well for his little mouth and teeth . Oral - B offers several different options for rechargeable toothbrushes . I think the one that Brayden has is this one ( I didn 't keep the box , so I am just going off of how it looks ) : I 'm a big fan of Pampers diapers , especially for my littlest family members ( I 'll be stocking up on itty bitty Pampers diapers soon for baby # 3 ! ) . The P & G eStore is running a great bundle deal right now with Pampers Diapers and Duracell batteries . Basically two of the most needed necessities for a parent of babies and toddlers . Gotta keep their bottoms dry and their toys alive : ) You can view this Pampers and Duracell bundle deal by clicking HERE . There are also other Pampers bundled deals with other great P & G products . You can view those bundles by clicking HERE . In addition to the great products and bundle offers that the P & G eStore offers , they have sweetened the deals even more by extending these great everyday offers to customers : If you use the P & G eStore , I 'd love to hear from you ! Be sure to leave a comment letting me know what deals you were able to snag ! Continue Reading » For the past several years , our community group ( which is a loose term , since we 've grown and split almost 7 times over 10 years ) has gotten together at Christmas time for a white elephant party . Last year we added ugly sweaters to the mix . It is by far one of my favorite Christmas traditions with some of my very favorite people . We are not related by blood , but it doesn 't mean we aren 't family . This year I actually joined in the festivities and got an ugly Christmas shirt thanks to Walmart Christmas turtle necks . When I pulled my shirt out of the bag to show Drew , Brayden said " oh mom , that 's beautiful ! " Beauty is in the eyes of three year olds : ) Connor thought it was great that I had " doggies " on my shirt . next year I 'm decking Drew out . He needs a dickey with that sweater , wouldn 't you say ? I was super excited that both of our gifts ( A Chick - Fil - A giftcard and a pair of Superman underwear ) were stolen the max amount of times . This also proves that the love of superhero underwear is continual throughout a mans life - - from childhood to grown man , every boy wants superman on their underwear . Brian was the first recipient . Meredith and Tim won best dressed this year . Obviously . If we had voted on couples , they probably would 've won . Although , John 's outfit just scared me . Other than the Christmas party , we 've laid low this weekend . I 've hugged my boys more than normal , remembering those families in Connecticut who I know wish they had just another minute with their babies whose lives were tragically cut short on Friday . I think this weekend has been a good reminder for our family to not take for granted anything that we have , especially the moments with those we love most . It has also left me longing for the Prince of Peace to make his second return . Yet , even amongst all of the evil that is in this world , I can cling to the hope of the promise that in Christ , I can have peace among the evil , and that even though our lives will be filled with trouble , He has overcome the world ( John 16 : 33 ) . We cut back on how many Christmas cards we sent out this year . I SO wish I could send a card out to each and every one of the people who read this blog , and to every single friend and family member , but if I did that , we might go broke ; ) So from our family to yours , a bloggy Christmas card is the next best thing . I hope you each have a very Merry Christmas , and that you remember the true meaning of Christmas : that God the Father sent His Son Jesus to earth as a baby boy to bring the world eternal life . There is no bigger or better gift to receive , and my prayer is that each of you will find the Peace that Only the Prince of Peace can bring . Merry Christmas ! But the angel said to them , " Do not be afraid ; for behold , I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people ; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior , who is Christ the Lord . " This will be a sign for you : you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger . " And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying , " Glory to God in the highest , And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased . " ~ Luke 2 : 10 - 14 This year I have had the opportunity to be a part of a BSF ( Bible Study Fellowship ) group locally . I 'll admit , I was a bit nervous about joining at first . . . . most of the people I talked to either HATED it or LOVED it . There was no in between . I started the semester reserved , and have really grown to look forward to my Wednesday morning studies with my group . My boys love it too , which is an added bonus . One of the things I have loved about BSF is that I am in a group that is the perfect mixture of young and old . There are enough young moms that I don 't feel out of touch , but there are seasoned veterans there as well , and they are not shy about sharing their opinions : ) There have been several instances when one of us young moms will sigh about how dirty our house is , or how we don 't have as much time to devote to the study . And almost all of the seasoned veterans quickly chirp back " one day your house will be clean and you 'll have no one to pick up after . And you 'll HATE it . You 'll wish you had someone to pick up after , and you wish you had someone to make noise . " This has been said more than once , so I have to think that they 're pretty adamantly behind their belief that I 'll someday hate having a clean house . It 's made me think a lot about my job right now as a mom . Sometimes I begrudge how Cinderella - ish being a stay at home mom really is ( and I don 't mean the Cinderella that was at the ball at the castle . . . I mean the Cinderella that was cleaning and scrubbing and just a plain ol ' maid ) . Most days I can find myself on the floor scrubbing up food crumbs or spilled milk , I wipe bottoms endlessly throughout the day , I break up fights and teach manners ( and mostly feel like my teachings and commands fall on deaf ears ) , my laundry multiplies before my eyes , the cooking is never ending ( and usually is welcomed by a chorus of " I don 't like this " unless it is highly tainted with preservatives and fake cheese ) . Let 's face it . . . that list is less than appealing if someone was looking for glitz and glamour ( not that I was looking for glitz and glamour , but it 'd be nice to be able to shower regularly and not have to worry about poopy diapers every now and again ) . And yet , when I find myself mumbling to myself about the crumbs on the ground , I hear those sweet women in my study saying " one day you 'll hate that clean house . Don 't worry about it right now . " For all of the monotony of being a stay at home mom , the moments are fleeting and priceless . I keep trying to press record in my mind when I hear the laughter and giggles , see the hugs and kisses , get the requests for snuggles and book readings , and hear the questions about things that I just walk by not thinking anything about . Each day I have to choose to embrace the Cinderella life . To be ok with wearing sweats most days , be ok with not being able to shower on somedays , be ok with ridding the floors of crumbs while on my hands and knees , be ok with the messes and noise . I have to remember that even Cinderella , eventually one day , had her princess moment . And I 'm sure that when I finally get that one day , I 'll hate it , and wish for these messy moments back . Continue Reading » Maternity Clothes : maternity tops for the most part , and a combination of maternity / non - maternity pants . I wore maternity jeans for the first time this pregnancy on Sunday . I was kind of sad about it . Aside from my Gap maternity jeans , maternity jeans just make me feel flabby and gross . Trying to be positive about it though , as this is more than likely my last pregnancy . So on the up side , when this pregnancy is over with and I lose my weight , I 'll be buying 2 pairs of new Miss Me 's . . . because those thangs make me feel awesome ! Movement : I 've wondered if I have felt little flutters over the past several days . But I tend to confuse flutters for other stomach stuff , so I 'm not really sure : ) Can 't wait to feel those big kicks and punches . Sleep : It 's hit or miss . If I sleep , it 's pretty hard , with really weird dreams . If I don 't sleep , I am restless , and toss and turn a lot . I am not really able to find a good position to sleep in ( I love to sleep on my tummy ) , so I just kind of try the best I can to sleep and then drink lots of caffeine when I don 't : ) Cravings : Still craving Mexican food . I also have a liking for sausage biscuits from McDonald 's , which is totally disgusting . This weekend I dreamed about Olive Garden salad , and couldn 't get it off my mind . So I had to make a trip there yesterday to indulge in my cravings . I ate two bowls of salad all by myself . Pretty sure I scared my waitress . Food Aversions : it just depends on the day , and the smell . Best Moment this week : Having the nausea from my meds go away . I love being able to live a normal day and not feel like I 'm about to vomit at any second . Once I hit the second trimester , I really do love being pregnant . Sure , I don 't love having to pee every second of the day , or not being able to drink a glass of wine every now and again , but to be able to experience and be a part of God making a little human being inside of me is truly miraculous . What I am looking forward to : I have an appointment later this week , so I am looking forward to that and to hearing the baby 's heartbeat . Continue Reading » Friday night we had some friends over for dinner . It 's always fun enjoying another couple 's company , and Pauline and Matt are no exception . We played games , laughed , and told stories . I love having a younger couple to hang out with - - makes me feel like less of an old person ; ) Before dinner Brayden and Connor were rough housing with Drew and Matt . Somehow Brayden fell on his arm strange , but we didn 't think anything of it . However , after about 2 hours of him still complaining of it hurting , I started to get a little worried . Since there was no obvious swelling or discoloration , we decided to not bring him in immediately , but rather wait till morning . Well , Saturday morning came and the first words out of Brayden 's mouth were that his arm still hurt . Drew checked it over and thought that it was starting to swell , so off to the walk in clinic we went . he requested donuts because his arm hurt . We obliged ; ) I 'm so thankful to know that the walk - in clinic near our home has an x - ray machine . Helped us avoid another $ 1000 ER visit . waiting in the waiting room After lots of waiting ( and exposure to germs ) , 3 xrays , and more waiting , the doc came in and told us that it wasn 't broken . Cue the relief . so glad he can keep his sense of humor , even when he 's in pain . He makes me laugh ! The unfortunate thing was that his arm was probably just badly bruised , which takes a bit to heal . I told him he could have whatever he wanted after he was so brave for the xrays ( since I 'm pregnant I couldn 't sit with him , so he sat in the room by himself as I watched through the window . Bless his heart , he did so well , whimpering while he held it still for the technician ) . He told me he wanted a cookie from Chick - Fil - A : ) Thankfully by Saturday evening Brayden was feeling better enough to play outside . He told me at dinner it was still hurting , but just a little bit , and by this morning he didn 't complain at all and had full range of motion . So glad to have avoided a cast ( so far anyway - - I 'm sure our time 's coming ! ) ! While Brayden and I were out seeing doctors , Drew and Connor got to go to the local Christmas parade . I was hoping Brayden would be well enough to go , but trying to get him to even move his arm remotely caused a huge wailing session , so we thought it best for me to just take him home . I laughed when I got this series of pictures from Drew , along with the following captions : " we 're having an MEP - Meltdown of Epic Proportions . " Connor is very much a two year old , which is basically synonymous for bipolar . I swear the child can go from happiest of happy to maddest of mad in about 2 seconds . Saturday afternoon Connor and I snuck away for a little errand date . We went to Sam 's Club , which Connor was perfect okay with since he 's a big fan of the samples . They were sampling cake , and I thought we could share . I was wrong . After my first bite Connor said " no share , do it myself . " Awesome . On the way home the sunset was beautiful . I pointed out the sunset to Connor and asked " Connor , who made the sun ? " Normally he responds with a jibberish answer . But yesterday was different , and he said " Ummmmmm . . . . . GOD ! " Sweetest thing ever . Connor has taken after Brayden and is OBSESSED with basketball shorts . Every day is a battle over clothes . I normally don 't care , unless we 're going somewhere , and then I lay my foot down ( mostly because you just can 't wear shorts when the highs are in the 50s and 60s ) . The battle continues into bedtime . So Drew improvised and told Connor he could wear his shorts over his jammies . This picture just cracks me up ( please notice that Brayden also has something over his jammies . I 'm pretty sure someday they 'll kill me over this picture . ) Today has been just a typical Sunday . We did decided to debunk Brayden 's bed in anticipation of the boys sharing a room starting next month ( hold me . . . I 'm not ready for Connor to not be in a crib ! ) . We had to do quite the rearranging to make everything fit in his room . It 's not the prettiest arrangement in the world , but it is the most functional for their room . We plan on bunking the beds once Connor gets closer to 3 . Right now we 're both worried with the boys performing acrobatics from the top bunk ( see also , my first paragraph about avoiding casts . . . haha ! ) . We have some fun things planned this week - - tis the Season . I also have a few loose ends to tie up with Christmas shopping , and considering I 'll be doing that by myself , I 'm pretty excited about errands this week : ) Hope yall have a great week ! Well , I finally finished my antique window picture frame . And if I do say so myself , it 's pretty fabulous . Here 's the deal . When . . .

We didn 't have a white Christmas this year . White Christmas ' just aren 't in the cards when you travel to Louisiana . But we did have a lot of fun with my family , so I think we ended up faring well despite not getting the fluffy white stuff . Brayden and Connor were SO excited about traveling to my parents house . Brayden actually traveled really well . Connor did as well as a two year old could do , but about 8 hours into the 12 hour trip ( both ways ) , he would have an all out whine fest . It was fun for no one . We got into Baton Rouge at 12 : 30am . I wish I had had video . Both boys were so excited to be there , and stood at the back door to my parents house like they were waiting to win a million dollars . And when Poppa D rounded the corner and they saw him ? Goodness gracious , I hope the neighbors didn 't wake up ! They both started squealing uncontrollably . It . Was . Precious . Connor ran into my parents room to see my mom after they greeted my dad . Connor gave her a big hug and then said " get out of bed ! " Riding bikes . My parents live on a cul - de - sac , and have a long , flat driveway . Perfect for little boys to refine their bicycling skills . Watching tv with Poppa D . Swiss Family Robinson was playing on Christmas Eve , and the boys were enamoured . I still don 't know if it was because of the movie or because of my dads awesome commentary , but either way , we have that one on our " to buy " list for the boys . They LOVED it ! Snuggle time with Gigi . the boys rarely snuggle with Drew and I , but with Gigi , they were always asking for her to hug them . I was also told by Brayden that I don 't scratch backs as good as Gigi . Time with cousins . Brayden and Connor LOVE their cousin Zoe . Brayden told us that he wants a baby just like Zoe : ) ( I caught both of them under the chair , and Connor was talking to Zoe . They had Braydens jingle bell bracelet , so it 's almost as if they are conspiring together on how to keep it from him ) trying to get 2 kids to look at the camera is a challenge . Trying to get 3 ? Impossible . This needs a caption SO badly . I crack up every time I look a this picture . I 'm so thankful for the memories that were made at my parents house this Christmas , and thankful for family to share them with ! ( More Christmas pictures to come . . . ) Continue Reading » We are slowly coming out of the post - traveling funk . I feel like I just draaagggg for several days after traveling . And it doesn 't help that I 'm pregnant , so even doing mundane every day tasks can zap me of any energy I may have . Friday we had a few flurries in the morning . Brayden was disappointed , telling me that he wanted big snow , like snowballs in the sky like on Beauty and the Beast . The snow stopped not long after is started , and the boys and I settled in for a good , long nap . Imagine our surprise when we woke up and the ground was covered in over 1 . 5 inches of snow ! Brayden and Connor were besides themselves with excitement . It took all of my energy trying to keep them from running outside in shorts and t - shirts . Brayden would run really fast and then just throw himself onto the ground . He LOVED it . Also , please excuse our patio furniture , which blew everywhere while we were gone last week . That 's two slaughtered cows right there , split between several families . When Drew got back he put together the play kitchen that Connor got for his birthday but that we hadn 't put together yet . The boys LOVE their kitchen , and we spent a lot of Saturday afternoon " eating " their concoctions that they came up with . Brayden was so proud of the many things he created . When I told him he needed to wash his dishes , he went back to the play kitchen , looked around and then said " where 's the dishwasher ? ! " ha ! Drew decided last minute to take Brayden to his first Razorback basketball game on Saturday night . I wish I had video taped Brayden 's reaction when I told him he needed to get dressed to go to a basketball game . His face was priceless and he was SO excited . He fared really well , lasting almost the entire game . Today was a day of rest for the most part . We had a family trip to Sam 's , which included lots of food samples and soft pretzels . I love days like today , especially when I have a week with no childcare on the agenda and lots of errands that I have to run , including the boys flu shot boosters . Happy New Year to All ! For the few weeks leading up to his little program , Brayden and I practiced his songs with youtube videos . It was so cute listening to him as he walked around the house singing the songs to himself . The night before the program I told him that Drew and I would be there to watch him . He looked at me with big eyes and then hit his thigh and said " I just can 't believe it mom ! " ha ! When we got to Brayden 's school they were lining up outside of the classrooms . I found Brayden wearing his jeans and his undershirt . Apparently he was " too hot " and couldn 't wear his button up . The high that day was in the low 50s . The possibility of him actually being too hot was slim . Little stinker just doesn 't like to dress up ! He . Is . A . Mess . I love how confident he is . When the kids came into the room to perform , Brayden found us in the crowd and tried to come and sit with us . He finally figured out he needed to stay up at the front with his class . Once they started singing Brayden would look over at Drew and give him a thumbs up . He was so proud of himself . After the kids sang they each gave a coke to their mom and dad . Brayden went back for one for me but didn 't see the second stack so he thought they were all out of cokes . He was DEVASTATED and ran out of the room crying . A teacher found him and asked him what was wrong and through sobs , he said he wasn 't able to give his mommy a coke . Bless his heart . They found another one and he came to me and gave me the biggest hug . He definitely keeps me on my toes , but I love seeing his sensitive side come out too : ) Brayden , I 'm so proud of you and can 't believe you 're big enough to have a Christmas program . I can 't wait to see you perform in many , many more ! Continue Reading » We 're officially back from Christmas vacation . Our travel plans were delayed thanks to a Christmas snow storm that hit Central Arkansas on Christmas night . We weren 't quite sure what to expect today when we left Baton Rouge , but are ever so thankful to not have had a single moment of worry in regards to road conditions during our travels . I 'm a bit exhausted from the trip , and looking forward to a few days of laying low to recuperate . Our time with family was fun and filled with lots of laughter . You can bet your bottom dollar I 'm up to my eyeballs in digital images that I 'll be sifting through and organizing over the next few days , and sharing on this here blog . For now , I 'll rest my weary feet ( only a pregnant woman would have weary feet after traveling in a car for 12 hours ) , and share with you my pregnancy at 17 weeks ( which I realize is so late that I should probably just combine 17 and 18 ) . How Far Along : 17 weeks , 5 days . Total Weight Gain / Loss : 5 pounds was the last I checked , and I really am scared to step on a scale after 1 week of homemade cooking , Christmas goodies and cajun food . Maternity Clothes : I 'm in all maternity wear , although I wear sweats and t - shirts most days , and can still pull off non - maternity sizes in those things . Gender : We 'll find out January 7th ! I still kind of think it may be a girl , but Movement : I 've felt flutters every now and then , but nothing consistent . Still waiting for those sure bumps and punches : ) Symptoms : No more braxton hicks . . . that was a praise ! I think I was dehydrated . Just your typical pregnancy symptoms at this point - - frequent trips to the bathroom and sudden cravings : ) Also , this isn 't really a symptom , but I have definitely " popped " this week . I 'm not sure if it 's due to baby growing or momma eating too much over Christmas . ha ! What I miss : sleeping on my tummy . I also miss being able to walk into my closet and wear whatever I wanted . Sounds weird , since I do have maternity clothes , I just much prefer regular clothes over elastic waist - banded jeans : ) Cravings : this past week I was craving seafood and cajun food . Good thing to crave when you 're in Louisiana ! I ate my weight in boudin , cracklins and shrimp ! Food Aversions : Nothing this week , which I was thankful for since I was at my moms , and no one really wants to pass up home cookin ' by their momma ! Best Moment this week : Spending Christmas with my family . What I am looking forward to : Finding out if this baby is a he or a she . And praying that if it 's a she that we can agree on a girl name ( I think we 're pretty sure what we 'd name the baby if it 's a boy ) . The past 9 years have been : fun , happy , hard , filled with laughter ( and tears ) , filled with the highest of highs and some of the lowest of lows . The great thing about marriage is not that it is always great , but that you are able to walk through life with someone that will ( hopefully ) point you to the One who IS always Great . Drew does that for me . He is my sandpaper . Sometimes I don 't like it , because let 's face it , sanding off the rough edges sometimes sucks . BUT . . . he is patient with my weird quirks . He loves me for who I am . He completes me in ways I didn 't even know I needed to be completed . He points me to Jesus and makes me want to be a better person . And he is even a better dad to our kids that I ever thought he 'd be . My life is richer because I became his Mrs . Happy Anniversary , Drew ! I 'm so glad I get to be your wife . Thanks for loving me well . I love you , and look forward to many more anniversaries in the future : ) PS - I just have to laugh at the difference in the two pictures . Clearly parenting has done a number on us - - check out the bags under our eyes . haha ! Continue Reading » When we got there , they both wanted to see the gorilla that sits outside of the door to the office . Brayden even asked if I had my camera , because he wanted his picture taken with him . Trying to get both of them to look at the camera is pretty much impossible . Plus , they were both so enthralled with the fact that the gorilla was a Razorback football player : ) When we got inside Connor was even more excited to see the ginormous salt water fish tank . All anyone heard in that waiting room was " DORY ! NEMO ! DORY ! NEMO ! " I didn 't get pictures , which is kind of sad , because I 'm sure Connor thought the fish tank was the most epic part of his day . When we were called to the back Brayden hopped on up into the chair like he 's done this every day ( it was his third time to go ) . He chose Toy Story as the movie to watch , and told Connor to just be brave like him . Connor watched with great curiousity , but when it was his turn to go he wasn 't quite sure about the entire situation . I had to hold his hands down for part of his visit , so I wasn 't able to get many pictures . I did manage to get this one : And on a funny note , tonight when I came home from grocery shopping , the boys were getting ready to go to bed . Connor had apparently thrown a fit about wearing certain jammies that were not appropriate for the winter season . So Drew got nifty and just put everything on over his footed fleece jammies . How hilarious is this ? ! Maternity Clothes : I 'm in pretty much all maternity wear now . My regular pants still fit , but they get uncomfortable by the end of the day . I actually wear sweats and t - shirts most days . Gender : We 'll find out January 7th ! Based solely on the way I am carrying this baby , I feel like it might be a girl ( I was WAY lower with the boys ) . I 'll be happy with either . . . I just really want a healthy baby ! Movement : I 'm pretty sure I 've felt flutters this week . Nothing strong enough to feel with my hand on my belly . Sleep : I 've had a rough go of sleep this past week . Guess I 'm gearing up for those long nights . Symptoms : a few flutters of movement . On Monday I had a few braxton hicks contractions . That took me a little off guard since I 've never had them this early with my boys . What I miss : sleeping on my tummy . Cravings : still craving Mexican food . Food Aversions : this weekend at our Christmas party someone brought an artichoke cheese dip . I normally love that stuff , but for some reason I could NOT eat it . SO strange . What I am looking forward to : We only have 3 more weeks till we know if it 's a boy or a girl ! ! ! I really want to nail down names , but we either haven 't had time , or have not found one that we both really like . Continue Reading » As a busy mom that is on the go a lot , sometimes it 's just a little stressful heading to the store with both kids in tow . Trying to grab what I need while simultaneously keeping my kids at bay . . . yeah , it gives me stomach ulcers . Which is why , whenever possible , I try to make my purchases online . Recently I was introduced to the P & G eStore . If you 've ever shopped ( which would be most people ) , then I 'm sure you 're probably familiar with P & G brands . The P & G eStore is a GREAT solution for moms like me . It offers all of my favorite brands in one spot , bundling my favorite products , offering great deals , and I can do it all in the comfort of my own home . I thought I 'd share two of our favorite and most used P & G items in our home , both of which are offered in the P & G eStore . My mom bought Brayden a rechargeable Oral - B toothbrush about a year ago . We love it ! It makes tooth brushing SO much easier for little ones , and I feel like it cleans Braydens teeth a lot better than a manual toothbrush . The head of the toothbrush is small , so even though this toothbrush isn 't specifically made for children , it still works well for his little mouth and teeth . Oral - B offers several different options for rechargeable toothbrushes . I think the one that Brayden has is this one ( I didn 't keep the box , so I am just going off of how it looks ) : I 'm a big fan of Pampers diapers , especially for my littlest family members ( I 'll be stocking up on itty bitty Pampers diapers soon for baby # 3 ! ) . The P & G eStore is running a great bundle deal right now with Pampers Diapers and Duracell batteries . Basically two of the most needed necessities for a parent of babies and toddlers . Gotta keep their bottoms dry and their toys alive : ) You can view this Pampers and Duracell bundle deal by clicking HERE . There are also other Pampers bundled deals with other great P & G products . You can view those bundles by clicking HERE . In addition to the great products and bundle offers that the P & G eStore offers , they have sweetened the deals even more by extending these great everyday offers to customers : If you use the P & G eStore , I 'd love to hear from you ! Be sure to leave a comment letting me know what deals you were able to snag ! Continue Reading » For the past several years , our community group ( which is a loose term , since we 've grown and split almost 7 times over 10 years ) has gotten together at Christmas time for a white elephant party . Last year we added ugly sweaters to the mix . It is by far one of my favorite Christmas traditions with some of my very favorite people . We are not related by blood , but it doesn 't mean we aren 't family . This year I actually joined in the festivities and got an ugly Christmas shirt thanks to Walmart Christmas turtle necks . When I pulled my shirt out of the bag to show Drew , Brayden said " oh mom , that 's beautiful ! " Beauty is in the eyes of three year olds : ) Connor thought it was great that I had " doggies " on my shirt . next year I 'm decking Drew out . He needs a dickey with that sweater , wouldn 't you say ? I was super excited that both of our gifts ( A Chick - Fil - A giftcard and a pair of Superman underwear ) were stolen the max amount of times . This also proves that the love of superhero underwear is continual throughout a mans life - - from childhood to grown man , every boy wants superman on their underwear . Brian was the first recipient . Meredith and Tim won best dressed this year . Obviously . If we had voted on couples , they probably would 've won . Although , John 's outfit just scared me . Other than the Christmas party , we 've laid low this weekend . I 've hugged my boys more than normal , remembering those families in Connecticut who I know wish they had just another minute with their babies whose lives were tragically cut short on Friday . I think this weekend has been a good reminder for our family to not take for granted anything that we have , especially the moments with those we love most . It has also left me longing for the Prince of Peace to make his second return . Yet , even amongst all of the evil that is in this world , I can cling to the hope of the promise that in Christ , I can have peace among the evil , and that even though our lives will be filled with trouble , He has overcome the world ( John 16 : 33 ) . We cut back on how many Christmas cards we sent out this year . I SO wish I could send a card out to each and every one of the people who read this blog , and to every single friend and family member , but if I did that , we might go broke ; ) So from our family to yours , a bloggy Christmas card is the next best thing . I hope you each have a very Merry Christmas , and that you remember the true meaning of Christmas : that God the Father sent His Son Jesus to earth as a baby boy to bring the world eternal life . There is no bigger or better gift to receive , and my prayer is that each of you will find the Peace that Only the Prince of Peace can bring . Merry Christmas ! But the angel said to them , " Do not be afraid ; for behold , I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people ; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior , who is Christ the Lord . " This will be a sign for you : you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger . " And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying , " Glory to God in the highest , And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased . " ~ Luke 2 : 10 - 14 This year I have had the opportunity to be a part of a BSF ( Bible Study Fellowship ) group locally . I 'll admit , I was a bit nervous about joining at first . . . . most of the people I talked to either HATED it or LOVED it . There was no in between . I started the semester reserved , and have really grown to look forward to my Wednesday morning studies with my group . My boys love it too , which is an added bonus . One of the things I have loved about BSF is that I am in a group that is the perfect mixture of young and old . There are enough young moms that I don 't feel out of touch , but there are seasoned veterans there as well , and they are not shy about sharing their opinions : ) There have been several instances when one of us young moms will sigh about how dirty our house is , or how we don 't have as much time to devote to the study . And almost all of the seasoned veterans quickly chirp back " one day your house will be clean and you 'll have no one to pick up after . And you 'll HATE it . You 'll wish you had someone to pick up after , and you wish you had someone to make noise . " This has been said more than once , so I have to think that they 're pretty adamantly behind their belief that I 'll someday hate having a clean house . It 's made me think a lot about my job right now as a mom . Sometimes I begrudge how Cinderella - ish being a stay at home mom really is ( and I don 't mean the Cinderella that was at the ball at the castle . . . I mean the Cinderella that was cleaning and scrubbing and just a plain ol ' maid ) . Most days I can find myself on the floor scrubbing up food crumbs or spilled milk , I wipe bottoms endlessly throughout the day , I break up fights and teach manners ( and mostly feel like my teachings and commands fall on deaf ears ) , my laundry multiplies before my eyes , the cooking is never ending ( and usually is welcomed by a chorus of " I don 't like this " unless it is highly tainted with preservatives and fake cheese ) . Let 's face it . . . that list is less than appealing if someone was looking for glitz and glamour ( not that I was looking for glitz and glamour , but it 'd be nice to be able to shower regularly and not have to worry about poopy diapers every now and again ) . And yet , when I find myself mumbling to myself about the crumbs on the ground , I hear those sweet women in my study saying " one day you 'll hate that clean house . Don 't worry about it right now . " For all of the monotony of being a stay at home mom , the moments are fleeting and priceless . I keep trying to press record in my mind when I hear the laughter and giggles , see the hugs and kisses , get the requests for snuggles and book readings , and hear the questions about things that I just walk by not thinking anything about . Each day I have to choose to embrace the Cinderella life . To be ok with wearing sweats most days , be ok with not being able to shower on somedays , be ok with ridding the floors of crumbs while on my hands and knees , be ok with the messes and noise . I have to remember that even Cinderella , eventually one day , had her princess moment . And I 'm sure that when I finally get that one day , I 'll hate it , and wish for these messy moments back . Continue Reading » Maternity Clothes : maternity tops for the most part , and a combination of maternity / non - maternity pants . I wore maternity jeans for the first time this pregnancy on Sunday . I was kind of sad about it . Aside from my Gap maternity jeans , maternity jeans just make me feel flabby and gross . Trying to be positive about it though , as this is more than likely my last pregnancy . So on the up side , when this pregnancy is over with and I lose my weight , I 'll be buying 2 pairs of new Miss Me 's . . . because those thangs make me feel awesome ! Movement : I 've wondered if I have felt little flutters over the past several days . But I tend to confuse flutters for other stomach stuff , so I 'm not really sure : ) Can 't wait to feel those big kicks and punches . Sleep : It 's hit or miss . If I sleep , it 's pretty hard , with really weird dreams . If I don 't sleep , I am restless , and toss and turn a lot . I am not really able to find a good position to sleep in ( I love to sleep on my tummy ) , so I just kind of try the best I can to sleep and then drink lots of caffeine when I don 't : ) Cravings : Still craving Mexican food . I also have a liking for sausage biscuits from McDonald 's , which is totally disgusting . This weekend I dreamed about Olive Garden salad , and couldn 't get it off my mind . So I had to make a trip there yesterday to indulge in my cravings . I ate two bowls of salad all by myself . Pretty sure I scared my waitress . Food Aversions : it just depends on the day , and the smell . Best Moment this week : Having the nausea from my meds go away . I love being able to live a normal day and not feel like I 'm about to vomit at any second . Once I hit the second trimester , I really do love being pregnant . Sure , I don 't love having to pee every second of the day , or not being able to drink a glass of wine every now and again , but to be able to experience and be a part of God making a little human being inside of me is truly miraculous . What I am looking forward to : I have an appointment later this week , so I am looking forward to that and to hearing the baby 's heartbeat . Continue Reading » Friday night we had some friends over for dinner . It 's always fun enjoying another couple 's company , and Pauline and Matt are no exception . We played games , laughed , and told stories . I love having a younger couple to hang out with - - makes me feel like less of an old person ; ) Before dinner Brayden and Connor were rough housing with Drew and Matt . Somehow Brayden fell on his arm strange , but we didn 't think anything of it . However , after about 2 hours of him still complaining of it hurting , I started to get a little worried . Since there was no obvious swelling or discoloration , we decided to not bring him in immediately , but rather wait till morning . Well , Saturday morning came and the first words out of Brayden 's mouth were that his arm still hurt . Drew checked it over and thought that it was starting to swell , so off to the walk in clinic we went . he requested donuts because his arm hurt . We obliged ; ) I 'm so thankful to know that the walk - in clinic near our home has an x - ray machine . Helped us avoid another $ 1000 ER visit . waiting in the waiting room After lots of waiting ( and exposure to germs ) , 3 xrays , and more waiting , the doc came in and told us that it wasn 't broken . Cue the relief . so glad he can keep his sense of humor , even when he 's in pain . He makes me laugh ! The unfortunate thing was that his arm was probably just badly bruised , which takes a bit to heal . I told him he could have whatever he wanted after he was so brave for the xrays ( since I 'm pregnant I couldn 't sit with him , so he sat in the room by himself as I watched through the window . Bless his heart , he did so well , whimpering while he held it still for the technician ) . He told me he wanted a cookie from Chick - Fil - A : ) Thankfully by Saturday evening Brayden was feeling better enough to play outside . He told me at dinner it was still hurting , but just a little bit , and by this morning he didn 't complain at all and had full range of motion . So glad to have avoided a cast ( so far anyway - - I 'm sure our time 's coming ! ) ! While Brayden and I were out seeing doctors , Drew and Connor got to go to the local Christmas parade . I was hoping Brayden would be well enough to go , but trying to get him to even move his arm remotely caused a huge wailing session , so we thought it best for me to just take him home . I laughed when I got this series of pictures from Drew , along with the following captions : " we 're having an MEP - Meltdown of Epic Proportions . " Connor is very much a two year old , which is basically synonymous for bipolar . I swear the child can go from happiest of happy to maddest of mad in about 2 seconds . Saturday afternoon Connor and I snuck away for a little errand date . We went to Sam 's Club , which Connor was perfect okay with since he 's a big fan of the samples . They were sampling cake , and I thought we could share . I was wrong . After my first bite Connor said " no share , do it myself . " Awesome . On the way home the sunset was beautiful . I pointed out the sunset to Connor and asked " Connor , who made the sun ? " Normally he responds with a jibberish answer . But yesterday was different , and he said " Ummmmmm . . . . . GOD ! " Sweetest thing ever . Connor has taken after Brayden and is OBSESSED with basketball shorts . Every day is a battle over clothes . I normally don 't care , unless we 're going somewhere , and then I lay my foot down ( mostly because you just can 't wear shorts when the highs are in the 50s and 60s ) . The battle continues into bedtime . So Drew improvised and told Connor he could wear his shorts over his jammies . This picture just cracks me up ( please notice that Brayden also has something over his jammies . I 'm pretty sure someday they 'll kill me over this picture . ) Today has been just a typical Sunday . We did decided to debunk Brayden 's bed in anticipation of the boys sharing a room starting next month ( hold me . . . I 'm not ready for Connor to not be in a crib ! ) . We had to do quite the rearranging to make everything fit in his room . It 's not the prettiest arrangement in the world , but it is the most functional for their room . We plan on bunking the beds once Connor gets closer to 3 . Right now we 're both worried with the boys performing acrobatics from the top bunk ( see also , my first paragraph about avoiding casts . . . haha ! ) . We have some fun things planned this week - - tis the Season . I also have a few loose ends to tie up with Christmas shopping , and considering I 'll be doing that by myself , I 'm pretty excited about errands this week : ) Hope yall have a great week ! Well , I finally finished my antique window picture frame . And if I do say so myself , it 's pretty fabulous . Here 's the deal . When . . .

Well , the upheaval has definitely begun . I almost took pictures of what our apartment looks like to post on here , but I was ashamed of the disaster it is and lost my nerve . But let me assure you , it is a disaster ! I am extremely pleased , though , with how far ahead we are on packing and getting rid of stuff . We decided to sell a lot of our belongings and furniture so we don 't have to pack it up and move it ! Hopefully when we come back , we 'll be settling someplace for several years , so we 'll actually want to outfit a house with more than our hodge - podge assortment of hand - me - down and Goodwill furniture . So my sweet husband has taken an affinity to Craig 's List , and it 's been amazing how fast our stuff has sold ! Every day I get another email from him . . . " Just sold the dresser . " " Just sold the desk . " Yesterday he sold our TV and VCR , so I 'll be doing a lot of reading for the next 2 weeks without it ! : ) It 's wonderful to have some extra cash , though , and we 're thankful for how easy it has been so far . Also , selling the furniture is definite motivation for me to get to work packing the things that are inside it ! I had to pack the books because we 're selling the bookshelves out from under them ! ( Those are still available , by the way , so let us know if you 're interested ! ;) ) So there are boxes everywhere , and I 'm thrilled with progress . So that 's really all that my life is these days . Selling , organizing , and packing . And I love it . Just 10 more days ! ( But who 's counting ? ! ) Justin had an experience this week that really got me to thinking . He got a part - time job with a company that does in - home assistance for the elderly or handicapped . Most of their employees are trained healthcare workers , but they also need some people to just go help out with regular things like housework , grocery shopping , or even just to sit as a companion with someone . So Justin took the job with the understanding that those are the kind of calls he would get . Last night , he got his first call to assist an elderly couple with their evening routine . The husband had Parkinson 's disease , which makes him basically immobile and entirely unable to do anything for himself . So this job turned out to be way more intensive than Justin felt he was qualified or trained for . However , my wonderful husband with his courage and his servant 's heart jumped right in there and did what needed to be done . I 'm very proud of him for that , but that 's not the point of this post . The point is that it really got me thinking about the elderly and the difficulty of making decisions for their care . When Justin got home and was telling me about how difficult his time there was and just how difficult this couple 's life is overall , my first thought was " They need to be in a home . " That just stopped me in my tracks , though , because who am I to make that kind of judgment ? I can 't even fathom how hard it must be to watch yourself and your spouse growing older and losing the ability to take care of yourselves , and what a difficult decision it would be to give up your independence and leave the home you 've lived in together for so long . But yet what 's the answer to getting the care you need while still maintaining your dignity and your independence and your privacy and all the other things I can 't even think of right now ? I honestly don 't know . I do have a few thoughts on the issue even though I can 't draw any conclusions , and maybe one of you will be able to add in some better ideas and thoughts too . First of all , one of my fPosted by So you all remember last year when we had the mouse in our house ? Well , apparently its brother moved into its place and has now met the same fate . Sit back and let me tell you the tale . If you 're squeamish about rodents or gross things , you may want to pass on reading this story . For the past several days , I 've noticed this smell when sitting on our living room couch . It smelled exactly like dog food to me . It wasn 't incredibly strong and it seemed to come and go . So I figured maybe the neighbors had gotten a dog and they fed it right on the other side of the wall the couch sits next to . However , yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and it suddenly hit me . Those neighbors got evicted . Nobody lives there . Uh - oh . So I 'm sniffing around the couch trying to figure out where it 's coming from . Sniff , sniff . Pillows are fine . Sniff , sniff . Seats are fine . Sniff , sniff . Whoa , it 's definitely coming from behind the couch . So I pull it back from against the wall , and there is a dead , decomposing mouse back there ! ! ! ! GROSS ! ! ! ! Who knows how long it had been there ? ! We never even heard it scratching around in the kitchen or anything , it just showed up dead under our couch ! No wonder our bug problem has been getting worse ! GAG ! So I called my bold and daring husband who promptly rescued me and took the thing to the dumpster . It did leave a gross and smelly spot on the carpet , but I scrubbed it last night and I think we might have gotten it taken care of . Are you kidding me ? ! I 'm SO ready to get out of this $ # & * @^ % apartment ! ! ! ! P . S . The above picture is NOT what the mouse in our house looked like . I couldn 't find a picture that would satisfy me for that . So instead I posted a picture of the R . O . U . S . ( Rodents of Unusual Size ) from The Princess Bride . Gross rodent , great movie . P . P . S . So here 's my question . . . Why does a decomposing mouse smell like dog food ? ! What do they put in that stuff anyways ? ! No , we 're not taking a random vacation to the beach . I 'm talking about my sweet husband taking me to the movies last night to see the third installment of some of my favorite movies : Ocean 's 13 . Now , I 'm going to do my best to avoid any spoilers in this post , so if you haven 't seen it , please feel free to keep reading . Let me start by saying that Ocean 's 11 and Ocean 's 12 are two of my favorite movies . Part of the reason why I married Justin is because he had them both on DVD . ( Not really , but that was an excellent bonus I discovered after we were married ! ) I watch them all the time , and I just love the characters , the relationships , the story lines , the cleverness of the gags , the script , all of it . Love it . Ocean 's 12 is , in my opinion , the ONLY sequel in all of history to be as good as , if not better than , the first movie . When I learned that they were coming out with a third one , I tried to keep my expectations low . I mean , could they really do it a third time ? Well , let me say , I loved it . I was right and it wasn 't as good as the first two , but it was still excellent . Since I 'm not giving away any of the plot , let me just make a few notes about the movie . First of all , I LOVED the Mormon brothers ' increased airtime in this movie . They played a greater role in this one than in any of the previous , and there wasn 't one scene with them in it that wasn 't hilarious . A few of my favorite quotes from Turk : " I was trying to extend to you an olive basket and you spit in my face . " Virgil : " I 'm trying to make you taller , you 're classified as a midget in 34 states . " Turk : " Yeah ? I 'm an animal in the other 34 . . . 24 . . . 22 . . . " Secondly , there were apparently several references to the Godfather in this movie that will appeal to all you Godfather nerds out there ( a . k . a . all males ) . I didn 't notice any of them , having only seen the Godfather once , which was one time too many . But Justin raved about them in the car on the way home . Thirdly , Brad Pitt didn 't look so good . The rest of the guys all looked pretty much the same , except Posted by I read an article in the May edition of Reader 's Digest that really moved and amazed me . It was about an organization called Helping Hands Monkeys , that provides monkey helpers for the diabled . Yes , monkeys . Specifically , they train Capuchin monkeys to do all sorts of tasks around the house that a disabled person wouldn 't be able to do alone . This allows those who are physically handicapped to still maintain a great deal of independence and dignity . This was moving in itself , but what really tugged at my heartstrings was the way those who have received these monkeys share about how deeply attached they become to their monkeys . One of them said " It 's somewhere between having a daughter and a friend , and a pet and a personal care attendant all wrapped in one . " Reader 's Digest told the story of a man who had been in a car accident and become totally paralyzed from the neck down . The only thing he could move was a couple of fingers to operate his wheelchair . After his fiancee and her son left him , he spiraled into a dark depression . But then along came Minnie , a 20 - year - old Capuchin monkey helper . She not only enabled him to live independently , but she brought him joy and the affection he so desperately needed . He says that Minnie saved his life . At Helping Hands , they specifically breed these monkeys and give them very intense training to become helper monkeys . For the first five years of their lives , they live with a nondisabled foster family just to become socialized and have a fun and healthy childhood . Then they spend 2 years in Monkey College where they learn how to do a host of amazing things . They are trained to respond to laser pointers and about 30 verbal commands . When a monkey graduates from Monkey College at the age of 7 , it can switch on / off the lights , open a bottle and put a straw in it , operate a microwave and serve food , clean up trash , switch on a TV or computer , select a CD or DVD and operate the player , turn the pages of a book , brush hair , open and close drawers , turn a faucet on / off , open the refPosted by I haven 't blogged in a week because I 've been in a serious funk . I had no idea what was wrong with me or why , but I just lost my motivation . I stopped sleeping at night , had bad dreams , developed a twitch in my left eye , and my diet went out the window . I just couldn 't summon the energy to care about eating right anymore . For those of you who know me , you recognize that this is serious . I was cranky and irritable . Poor Justin didn 't know what to do with me . I didn 't know where it was coming from or why , but I figured it would eventually pass and I just had to be strong and wait it out . But duh , Joni . You carry around in your purse a 100 % money - back guaranteed funk repellent . If this can 't banish the funk you 've been in , nothing can . But this can . It 's the Word of God . Today , after talking about it with some friends , I realized the source of the problem . It 's stress , and the root of that stress is fear . We are about to make a big change in our lives , and I have been telling the truth when I say I 'm excited about it and looking forward to it . I am . I believe this is exactly what God has for us , and I believe He has great things in store for us through this adventure . However , I 'm scared to death . When I went to Africa , I failed miserably at what I went to do because I could never completely let go of my inhibitions to embrace the people and the culture . I learned the language quickly and easily , but as far as suspending my judgments and being humble enough to really express love to the people in the way THEY could understand , I had zip , zilch , nada . Language hero , missionary zero . So this bad experience on my record is really affecting the way I 'm looking at this upcoming trip . I recognize the mistakes I made in Africa , and I feel like I 'll be able to learn from them to do a whole lot better in Moldova . Having a husband there who understands the culture better and can help keep me accountable will help a lot too . So I know it 'll be good and fine and wonderful . However , the enemy doesn 't want me to enjoy this or to trPosted by . . . Moldova ! Many of you may have already read about this on my husbands blog ( here and here ) , and if you haven 't you 'll want to check out what he has to say about it . He tells all about the job he 's taking and the specifics of our journey , so I 'll just give my own perspective and more about what I 'll be doing ! We are SO EXCITED to finally have a plan and a goal to work toward , at least some direction for this next step in our lives . My sweet husband has accepted an internship in Moldova that uses his degree and is pretty much EXACTLY what he 's always wanted to do . So we 're really excited to be able to get a taste of what it 's like to work in Justin 's field and to maybe get a vision for where he would like to head on a more permanent basis . So what the heck is Moldova ? many of you may be asking . It 's a former Soviet country in Eastern Europe , sandwiched between Romania and the Ukraine . We 'll be living in the capital city of Chisinau ( pronounced ki - shi - nev ) . On this map it 's that little red dot under the second O in Moldova . Read more about the country on its Wikipedia page . When are you going ? I just this very day submitted my notice at work . My last day will be Friday , July 6th . We 'll take the weekend to pack up and then on Monday , July 9th , we 'll drive all our stuff to Kentucky , where Justin 's parents have graciously agreed to store it for us . We actually plan on selling most of our hodge - podge of hand - me - down and Goodwill furniture , and then we 'll just start over when we settle someplace after this stint in Moldova . We 'll spend about 3 weeks in Kentucky and Ohio visiting family and raising funds . ( Make sure to read Justin 's blog about our fundraising ! We need your prayers and your financial support if you 're able ! ) Then our departure date for Moldova will be around August 1st . We plan to stay 5 months so we can be home in time for Christmas with our families . So what will you be doing while Justin is interning ? That 's an excellent question ! I 'm so glad you asked ! If you have any suggestions , I 'm open ! No , really . IPosted by I had an adventure at work on Wednesday with my friend and coworker , Lindsay , and I 've just been too busy to be able to get on here and tell the story . But now I 've got a leisurely Sunday afternoon ahead of me , so sit back and enjoy my tale . . . The church Lindsay and I work at is a rather large church that will often offer assistance to those who call in and need help with their rent or electric bill or food . Tracy is the secretary who handles those calls . So on Wednesday morning , Tracy got a call from a woman named Sally * . Sally had run into a bit of hard luck and needed help with her rent , and the church offered to pay a portion of it . When they do this , they make out a check to the person 's landlord so we know the money is actually going toward rent . Usually the landlord is an institution like Blair 's Cove Apartments , but occasionally it 's just the name of a person . In Sally 's case , the landlord 's name was Linda * . I don 't know what exactly transpired on the phone , but Tracy seemed uneasy about making the check to Linda , like maybe Sally wasn 't being truthful and was trying to cheat the church out of money . So she told Sally that when she came in to pick up the check , she would have to bring photo ID proving that she really was Sally . Tracy , however , had to take her child to a doctor 's appointment that afternoon and just left the check with me , making sure to emphasize that I shouldn 't give it to Sally unless she offered photo ID that she really was who she said she was . I was a little nervous about being given that task , but I agreed to do it since I 'd heard Tracy on the phone with Sally emphasizing to her the importance of bringing ID with her . I figured surely she 'd bring it and everything would be fine . In our office , Tracy handles the requests for money and Lindsay handles the requests for food . So since she understands dealing with people who are asking for something , I went back to her desk and confided with her the story so far and asked for her to maybe offer me some moral support when Sally came to get hePosted by

At a certain point in your quilting life you decide you have way more fabric than you will ever need . I 've been quilting about 26 years so you might rightly guess I have hit that point . There are three ways of dealing with this : 1 ) Don 't buy any more fabric . 2 ) Make more quilts . 3 ) Give away some fabric . I 'm sure I 've already reached the way more fabric situation . So , I have adopted all three of these strategies for stash reduction . ( For those family members who don 't know what stash is - - it 's a quilter 's hoard of fabrics . ) I have been holding off on buying new fabrics . I 've been making lots of quilts . I share some fabric with Jenny and others on occasion . This year I decided to keep track of the flow of fabric in and out of my stash . My rules are - - fabric doesn 't get counted as " used " until the quilt is finished . Anything purchased or received free is in - flow of fabric . I 've been diligent about keeping track of this . Here 's my report on ins and outs since the beginning of the year : Fabric used by finished quilts or giving away : 8 . 4 yardsFabric purchased or received free : 20 . 33 yardsNet fabric ADDED to stash : 11 . 93 yards - oh no , where did I go wrong ? Hum , something tells me I 've hit too many fabric stores recently . Although most of them have been out of my general area . And , I think I 'd better get off the computer and start finishing some more stuff ! Happy quilting all ! Bonnie Posted by One of the classes I took this weekend was quilting feathers . Surprisingly , they aren 't all that hard . Or perhaps it is because I 've been quilting stuff for a while on my Bernina . Here is my sample of feathers and circles . No , don 't panic , I didn 't do this freehand , although I could now if I wanted to . Here 's the sample with the markings . And , yes , I followed the line . Actually , because you can 't see the stitching lines all that well on the sample it looks pretty good . But , believe me I was off the lines enough to make it obvious . And , here 's the quilt Jen and I worked on while we learned to use the long arm machine . Oh , boy , did I like that . I 've often thought it would be a pain to set it up and get it loaded . Maybe because the piece was so small it wasn 't that big of a deal . It is about 31 " square and will be my monthly quilt for Project Linus after I bind it . I didn 't quilt at all yesterday . Actually , I didn 't do much except read and veg . Now , I need to transport all the supplies I took back up to the studio . And , then I need to work on a block . Happy Quilting All . Bonnie Posted by Today Jen quilted a huge baby quilt . ( Remember this pic ? ) She used my machine to do free motion quilting . I was working on a string pieced quilt on hers . Then at 5 pm we took a lesson on using a APQS long arm machine , the Lenni Model . Julia rents her machine through her business Special Occasion Quilts . I brought down a small streak of lightening quilt top . In a little over 2 hours we were able to learn how to use the machine , load our little quilt and practice quilting on it . I will take it home , add the binding and it will be my project linus quilt for the month . We both seem to be very focused on what the machine is doing . We tried a bunch of different patterns . So , from a quilting point of view it is a hodgepodge . Surprisingly enough some of the quilting looks great . I imagine it is because we both do free motion quilting on our domestic sewing machines . I wish I could find someone up near me who rents a long arm . I am heading backing to PA tomorrow and may stop at one or two of the Amish fabric stores on the way home . I 've had a great time but I am definitely ready to get back to my own house and closet . . . I am tired of living out of a suitcase . Happy quilting all ! Bonnie Posted by WooWee ! Saturday 's class from Sharon Schamber was great . Lots of fun , an interesting technique . Nothing like a good class to fire me up ! Here 's some eye candy from the class . First you paste fabric samples . After cutting out and ironing the fabric you do some gluing . Basically all the pieces are glued before you sew . Then sewing should be super easy and quick . I had a gluing issue and will have to reglue parts of mine . But , come Monday I will get my block glued again and sewn . Here are several glued blocks . Time to have breakfast and get on to today 's class . Freehand feathers ! More eye candy in the next post . Happy Quilting All ! Bonnie Posted by My buddy Polly in Maryland grab all three postcards I sent to my stamping buddies and took pictures . Here are two of them . ( Yes , I do rubber stamping also . We - 5 of us altogether - used to get together monthly to make cards , books , notepads , gift tags . For several years we were all very creative . And , finally we burned out or ran out of time . Plus , it 's hard to use all the things . Of course , now I need to replenish my stock of cards . ) For some reason the other picture won 't upload so I will hold on to that one for another day . Back to packing for the trip to Maryland tomorrow . Hopefully the snowy weather will be minor cause I am going no matter what ! Happy quilting all ! Bonnie Posted by Today I get ready to go on a quilting road trip . I am heading to Maryland to take a couple of classes with Sharon Schamber . Saturday 's class is New York Beauty . I am hoping to get at least two blocks made in class . Don 't know how many I would like to get done at home . . . ie , is this a learning experience or a project experience . ( And , yes , it can be both . ) Sunday 's class is quilting on a domestic sewing machine . The biggest challenge is to make sure I have every thing needed . There are some things I am just not getting or bringing . For instance , I really don 't need my iron . Most class locations can 't handle 20 irons turned on and 20 sewing machines . I am staying several more days to spend sewing time with Jenny . Which quilt will I work on ? Do I start a new one or finish an old one ? The last thing I am doing is taking a lesson on a long arm sewing machine . ( Jen is getting lessons too as she lives pretty close to the lady who rents out her long arm . ) Note to self . Put in a finished top that can be quilted by an inexperienced quilter . It is going to be a busy day and a fun - filled week . I 'm just happy that there isn 't a big snow storm coming our way . Knock on wood . Darn , where 's some wood when I need it ? Keep tuned for packing , traveling and sewing with Institches with Bonnie . Happy quilting all . Bonnie Actual studio time has been limited so far this week . But hand work is getting done . Hopefully by the end of the week I 'll be able to show you a block I am making for a group I call Faithful Circle Alumni . We all moved from the Columbia , Maryland area where we were members of the Faithful Circle Quilters . We are doing blocks for each other . This time we received a white on white background fabric and a wonderful print of pansies . Really springy looking . ( now doesn 't that sound weird . . . ) The concept is do what you can do in 4 to 5 hours . Of course , I can 't follow the concept because the fabrics scream floral applique . So , I 'm making a bunch of leaves with some 3 dimensional flowers ( with beading ) . I 'm hoping it looks good when I finish because I am using way too many colors of green . I 'm more than half done and hope to finish it today at the Wednesday quilt group . No peeking until the block is done . Snow is forecasted but not all that much . Happy quilting all . Bonnie Posted by Pat and I were down in Maryland for a quick visit . ( we were there for less than 24 hours . ) While there we attended this : ( fourth down - - Jenny Lang - Horn ! ) Jenny has one more recital and her defense until she earns her Doctor of Musical Arts . Hum , another Dr . J in the making . Saturday 's recital was all 20th century women composers for the French Horn . Wow some really avant guard stuff . I particularly liked a piece with 2 horns and piano . Wonderful sounds , interesting timing . . . great energetic piece . ( Jen , I tried to remember what you said that piece had . . . not much memory except those two and the one thing you don 't want me to remember ! ! ! ) You really can 't hum any of the tunes when she 's done but the toes were really tapping with her pieces . Ask me quilting questions - - no problem . But doctoral level music responses - - it just ain 't there folks ! But I do enjoy listening to the pieces . Last Wednesday I sent out 5 Valentine postcards . As I drove away from the post office I was ready to smack myself ! I hadn 't taken any pictures of them . So , while visiting Jenny and Brian , I snapped this picture of theirs . Then Friday I made sugar cookies and packaged them up to look special . ( Hey , they were special ! ) Everyone had a package of sugar cookies - - except me ! Rats . Pat shared some of his with me . What a sweetie ! I 've had a couple of phone calls , emails and finally at almost 2 : 00 pm I am ready to get things going today . I have a block I need to finish so I can applique it . And , I am designing a block based on a picture I took on vacation . Tomorrow is car stuff and groceries . Things are always hopping - - but not pressure filled which is really nice . Happy quilting all ! Bonnie Posted by Snoopy Dancing all over the house . I finished a quilt in less than 2 weeks . Woowee ! This was a mystery quilt at Mysteries for Relay . I took the giant hint that it would look good in two main colors ( such as red and white . ) I had planned to use a red that I had used for the backing of another quilt but I found enough odd pieces of different reds to not really use much of the yardage . ( Well , I did use if for the back ! ) I also used several different white on whites including some little vw bugs white on white . I 've had that fabric for a long time and have never figured out what quilt to put it . But my thought process was , VW Bug , the Love Bug , Valentine 's Day Quilt . I only used a strip of it 2 . 5 " but it is a start . This entire quilt came from my stash . Nothing was purchased for it . Another accomplishment ! I did this wall hanging completely by machine including both sides of the binding . I stitched the binding on the back side and then turned it to the front . Stitching as close to the fold of the binding I carefully maneuvered it under the machine . At the corners I sewed down the folds . I was extremely pleased with how it turned out . I probably wouldn 't do this technique on a quilt I wanted to give away or enter in a show but for a fast little wall hanging that will probably only be hung during February - - machine stitching the binding down made sense . And , you know I am tickled pink to have it done so fast ! We have had 5 days of nice weather here - - that means above freezing temperatures both days and nights . I was in for a surprise when I looked out over the back yard . ( No , there is no " yard " there but what else do you call it ? The back rocks ? ) Anyway , I found ferns growing up in a profusion of green . Moss ( lichen ? ) was greening up . It looked like spring was coming on fast . Don 't get too excited . For the last 2 days it 's been back in the teens at night and barely over 30 in the day . The green has died off completely and winter is back with us . Sigh . It was a nice thought . Happy Quilting All . Bonnie Posted by No posts for how many days ? And , I have no excuses or reasons . I have been working away in the studio for several hours a day - - just nothing finished to show off yet . I will have my Valentine 's Day quilt finished today . . . ( sans label probably . . . ) so photos will be taken and posted . Now you might ask why no label when you know I support the concept a quilt isn 't done until it is labeled ? I tend to make my labels on the computer . I use Printed Treasure sheets and a program that allows me to put pictures or designs on the labels . As most know , those sheets aren 't cheap . So I tend to do 4 on each sheet . Right now I only have 2 quilts ready for labels . One is coming close but who knows what the 4th one will be . I do go into the software and actually design the label so the information is recorded but the actual printing will take place when I have filled the page . Happy Quilting All . Bonnie Saturday was a glorious day - - I think it hit the 50 's in our travels . Sunday it went downhill . Temps were high enough in the morning to not wear winter coats . ( YIPPEE ! ) But it started to drizzle , blow like crazy and the temperatures went down . What , 40 was the high ? ? ? Luckily we didn 't have any errands to do so I didn 't freeze . Today it 's suppose to be slightly above freezing . So , melt , snow , melt . Of course melting snow looks awful ! Can 't have everything can we ! I got some quilt blocks made to send a friend who has lost her two kitties . I was happy to make up a couple of blocks and send them to her as she is making a quilt for her DH who really is missing the cats . The hardest part was finding some grid paper to draft a 9 " block ! I used Encyclopedia of Quilts to get the block ideas and then drew them out on grid paper to figure out what size units I would need . Nothing hard but I think they look cute . I need to get up to the studio to continue on my other projects . And , heaven knows I have lots of them ! I am ready to quilt the borders of the blue , green and beige but haven 't decided what I want to do except it needs to be easy ! Happy Quilting All . Bonnie Posted by Here it is the completely finished Carousel Quilt . It was given to Project Linus today at a Blanket Day . I 've never been to a BD before . Wow , lots of people and lots of different blankets . There were fleece , knit , crochet and quilted blankets . This group donates 150 to 200 blankets a month . The bad part for me is that the location of the BD was about an hour away in New York ! Yikes . Pat drove me up and the usual weird directions spewed out of our gps . We got to see quite a bit of the countryside . I will probably not go very often although there were lots of stores up there and it is about 20 minutes from a quilt store I went to this fall . Hum . . . maybe paired with a shopping trip . Here is a close up of the quilting on this one . I used a polyester batt that was some what puffy . For speed of quilting I used a zigzag stitch that had several stitches in each of the zigzag . ( I wish I knew the name of the stitch it would be so much easier ! ) I also was able to lengthen the stitch which makes it work pretty well for quilting . The other thing I did differently was sew the binding on the back by machine . Then turned it and sewed it by machine . Way faster than by hand . On our way home we took a different rural route . We went through Milford , PA and had lunch at the Waterwheel Cafe . Yummy ! Also went to the county library and got cards . I 'm hoping they have different audio books online than the library we use in Wayne County . Evidently we are as far west in Pike county as anyone can get ! Figures . I sure miss the Howard County Library ! Happy Quilting All . Bonnie Posted by I admit it , I love Mexican food . Enchilladas , burritos , tamales . . . I enjoy most of it . I like fajitas but it seems to me that might have been made for American tastes . So , last night after I picked up Pat from leaving the car to be serviced we went to a Mexican restaurant . Chips and salsa were good . Salsa was nicely spicey . And , I succumbed to a margarita . Now it wasn 't that the margarita was so great . Honest , I wouldn 't really know if it was or wasn 't I haven 't had one for years . But how cool is this glass ? And , yes , boys and girls , it was glass . Jen - - don 't you ( or Kevin ) have some plastic glasses similar to this ? You need to make a pitcher of margaritas to enjoy the glasses ! The food was ok . Not half as good as what we had in Clearwater , Florida . But definitely made us feel like we had Mexican . ( Can you say refried beans ? ? LOL ) I brought my left over tamale home for lunch ( with more rice and refried beans . . . ) so I will have a bit more Mexican today . Good news , I vacuumed the stairs . Brian , you may have been the last to do that as in September . I 'm going to drag the big vacuum down to do the area rugs and then it is sewing . I 'm going to finish the quilting on the Nickel Mystery and then look at the dogs for a bit . I think I need to do some more 6 " blocks so I don 't have to fill too much . That 's enough for today . We still have to pick up the other car . And , try to find an open car wash to remove dirt and crud from my car . If we didn 't have a back windshield washer I wouldn 't be able to see at all ! Happy Quilting All ! Bonnie Posted by Yesterday I said I should pull a UFO out to finish . So as I was putzing around in the studio I noticed a dog block hanging around . . . Ah Ha ! I had been in a dog block swap sometime ago . Had to be ' 99 or later as someone had paper pieced something and it had a 99 copyright date . So here are some of the blocks . Doesn 't he look cute ? The dog with the bone was done by Moira McSpadden . The little Scottie was paper pieced by Linda Becker . The dogs blocks are units of 3 " finished . The above dog is 9 " square while the two paper pieced dogs are 6 " . And I have a 12 " block too . The challenge will be to get them together . I will have to put some sashing in and maybe I 'll make some paw prints or other " dog " things . This guy was a paper pieced design by Moira but sewn by Joyce Corbin . I have no idea which group did this swap . I guess I should write down some information when I start things so I can remember them later ! Will keep you posted on how these guys go together . Faithful Circle Quilters Alumnae is another group I am in . We are all former residents of Maryland who were ( and some are ) members of FCQ . We each have an assigned time period . ( I 'm Mar - April . ) We then tell the other members what we want them to make for us . I 'm still debating what I am going to want . I write little notes to myself when I come up with an idea . Eventually I 'll decide . The first package is for spring flowers . I am going to do an applique wreath . And , I 'm making the flowers 3 dimensional with beading . ( Am I crazy or what ? ? ? ) I need 20 more flowers . I figure it will be good hand work in the evenings . ( Do I need more hand work in the evenings ! ? ) Anyway I have 23 more days to get it done . So I will work a bit each day on it and it will be done ! Quit laughing . . . it will be done , honest ! Happy Quilting All . Bonnie Here 's a Valentine 's Day Quilt I did a while ago . I quilted it on my Bernina using Press n Seal - - it 's actually a kitchen wrap but I traced the design on it and stuck it on the quilt and quilted it free hand . Wasn 't that bad , quilting wise . I don 't use Press n Seal all that much now . I tend to draw the designs on lightweight tracing paper and then pin them in place . Hum , this has a bad crease in the center . I will need to fold it differently when I store it next . I still have two threads to tie off and bury on the Carousel Quilt . I found out I hadn 't done two short rows of quilting so got that finished . Now to do the 10 minutes of work to finish the whole thing . I keep my projects in plastic bins or boxes ( depending on what is available . ) I was happy to empty this quilt 's bin . I had quite a few fabrics to put away . So , now can I start a new project ? NAW . Maybe I 'll take out an older project ( UFO ) and see if I can drum up some interest in it . And , I 'm still plugging away on the " million " piece quilt . There are lots of 1 . 5 " x 1 " finished pieces in this quilt . Looks great when done . So , again , I just keep adding to the sections . Later I 'll try to share pictures of what I 've done so far . And , I finished the hand stitching on a quilt that 's been done since Dec . except hand sewing the binding . And , then I had only 1 / 4 of the binding to do yet it sat around . It will eventually be a gift for a friend but not yet . I 'll get pictures after the label is put on . Maybe I 'll make the label today . I 've spent some time recently on some knitting projects . I was knitting at the Wed . quilting group and kept making mistakes on a very easy project . I kept ripping out because I would figure out the mistake and go back to correct it . Some of the mistakes stayed in . Oh well . Pictures when I finish . Time to get quilting . - - I want to get the red hearts quilt quilted today along with some more motifs of the green , blue and beige quilt . Happy Quilting - - Bonnie It 's still early to tell if today is going to be a better day than yesterday . I did get the quilting done on the Carousel quilt . But I didn 't tie off the threads as I had planned to . Darn computer keeps sucking me in ! So today it is back to finishing the Carousel Quilt . And who knows what else . We had an inch or so of snow last night . Today the trees and power lines are covered . I assume the wind is blowing as every once in a while we appear to be having a snow storm - - some times light and sometimes heavy . But if I look at the front of the house it isn 't snowing . It 's suppose to get cold again today and have off and on snow . Ain 't winter grand ! Happy Quilting All ! Bonnie and Kevin . . . I 'm glad you got a good laugh out of my last post . I refuse to be locked out there again ! LOL > Posted by It was a day to forget . . . at least the middle of the day . Take a look at the back of our house . Notice the two lovely porches . Notice on the left one there are no stairs down . There is a french door going from the great room to the porch . The right side porch actually has steps down and it really isn 't all that far down to the ground . Not so on the left side . It 's about 6 ' in the middle to the ground . Now that I 've set the scene let me tell you about MY day . I was in the kitchen reading stuff on the computer and heard a noise from the porch . The squirrels have been visiting the porch and trying to get to the bird feeder . So , I looked out the window and found this culprit . I knocked on the window and he didn 't flinch . He jumped up on the bird feeder and proceeded to gnaw on the metal hoping to be able to get to the seeds . I was irritated . I went flying out the door to the porch , slamming the door behind me . I yelled at the squirrel which finally convinced him he should exit the feeder , NOW . I turned to go back in the house . OH MY GOODNESS ! I was locked out on the porch . Pat and I had locked ourselves out in the summer . He dropped down and went into the garage , got a key and was able to let me in . I thought , I can do that . So being smart , or so I thought , I dropped one of the porch chairs down thinking I could reach it if I hung off the porch . Um , no . The chair fell over and away from the house . Now what ? There were almost no cars going by the side street . It was 40º so I wasn 't freezing but if I had to wait until Pat came home at 5 : 15 or so I 'd be a popsicle . We have a security guard that drives around the neighborhood . But I never saw him . I did see Linda delivering the mail . So , my plan was to try to flag her down . Luckily she had her window down on her vehicle and heard me hollering and waving my hands . It helped that I had on a red turtleneck ! Linda rescued me by getting the key out of the garage and opening the doors . All together I was probably outside for only 45 minutes to an hour . And , I thank my wonderBonnie With Valentine 's Day closing in , it is time to retire Mr . Snowman . He was a round robin finished in 1998 . He was started in February , 1996 to commemorate the Blizzard of ' 96 . 29 " of snow fell beginning on January 7th . This round robin was organized on Prodigy - - if I remember correctly . Now a word from our sponsor - - labels . " Yes , ma ' am . Don 't you love that you remember all that snowy detail ? The only reason you do is that great label you made for Mr . Snowman . And , everyone who worked on it added a comment telling you what part they did . And , smart you , you even mentioned it hung in the Faithful Circle Quilters ' show . So when doing labels think about adding more detail - - wasn 't it nice to have all that info on this one ! ! " Yes , yes . It is better to have more details . I guess I will try to do better than name , date , maker and recipient in the future ! Here is the finished top for the Mystery Hearts . I LOVE it . I have had the heart border for ages and haven 't wanted to cut into it for anything . But it just sings with this quilt . And , remember this is a " free " quilt . Everything came from stash . And , I am hoping the batting will be a bit from used batts rather than cutting into a piece I have recently bought . Now , do I want to add some beading to it ? ? ? I have goofed off on the computer way too long so will end now . I 'm thinking of the label I should make for this . And , when Mr . Snowman comes down I 'll try to add a pic of the label . The quilt was really called Baby It 's Cold Out Here . Stay tuned for more quilting adventures ! Bonnie Posted by Have you mysteried yet ? Hum , quilters do tend to make words fit what they want . The proper way to say it would be have you participated in a mystery quilt yet ? I enjoy them so much I am a member of a yahoo group that raises funds for worth causes and gives you mystery quilts about 6 times a year . Part of the reason I like them is , generally , I use just my stash fabric . So , it 's a free quilt . ( Right , sure ! ) The other reason I like them is I often end up making a quilt I would never start . This summer I made an Irish Chain . I wouldn 't have chosen it but , it went together easily and I really like the top so far . ( sorry , no pics of it as it still needs borders and the finishing thing . ) This weekend was no exception . Marge at Mysteries for Relay hosted a small mystery she called a Folk Art Quilt . I was so happy with it - - even before I got it all put together . Here 's what some of the pieces looked like . Marge gave a giant hint that it might be a great two color quilt , say , red and white . I 'm no fool and I couldn 't remember if I had a Valentine 's Day quilt . So , I thought what the heck . A red and white quilt would look like a Valentine 's Day quilt . I cut the pieces the night before and started following the directions around 9 : 30 Sat . morning . I was slow , I couldn 't keep up at first . But eventually , I was finish with a clue right before the next one was posted . And , even as I said to myself , it 's a heart I couldn 't figure out how it would make up as a heart ! See all the funny rows above ? But , I kept pluggin away . I petered out around 6 pm . Here 's what it looked like then . Plus I found that great red and white heart fabric to use as a border . ( remember it is free as all the fabric was already in my stash of fabrics ! ) The weather has been absolutely gorgeous today . Lots of sunshine and high up in the 40 's . The ice is melting off the driveway , the roads are looking dry . But rumor has it we 'll be getting some more snow tomorrow . Don 't know if we 'll get a lot of a little . Time will tell . I 'm on my way upstairs to put the lastPosted by I 've been quilting for nearly 35 + years and still have my first quilt . I piece on my midrange Bernina , although I have quite a few other machines I can pull out and use . I 'm the proud owner of an 18 " Nolting long arm , known as Ruthie . She is now computer driven . We are proud grandparents to three little girls with a grandson on the way . View my complete profile

Thanks for the shout out Kate . I haven 't had anything to write it seems so been really quiet over here . All I can think to say it BLAH blah I hate waiting BLAH flurg . Ugh . So not very interesting . SO LETS ANSWER QUESTIONS ! ! ! Except I am gonna skip 2 - 3 . Sorry I am just NOOOooo fun ! ! ! I know ! The Rules which I shall thwart forthwith : 1 . You Can Only Use One Word ! ( HA ! ) 2 . Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers3 . Alert them that you have given them this award ! 4 . Have Fun ! The Fun Part1 . Where is your cell phone ? purse2 . Your hair ? ponytail3 . Your mother ? creative4 . Your father ? wise5 . Your favorite food ? salsa6 . Your dream last night ? bazaar and work related7 . Your favorite drink ? wine8 . Your dream / goal ? baby9 . What room are you in ? office / man room10 . Your hobby ? fretting ( me too ! ) 11 . Your fear ? failure , debt12 . Where do you want to be in 6 years ? family13 . Where were you last night ? home14 . Something that you aren 't ? carefree and it seems I am not much fun even anymore15 . Muffins ? nah16 . Wish list item ? gas stove 17 . Where did you grow up ? Texas18 . Last thing you did ? watched Grey 's Anatomy online19 . What are you wearing ? longsleeve tshirt and workout pants20 . Your TV ? off21 . Your pets ? dog , mocha22 . Friends ? missing them ! 23 . Your life ? good except when it sucks rocks ( ditto ! ) 24 . Your mood ? cranky ( for some reason ) 25 . Missing someone ? hubby26 . Vehicle ? camry27 . Something you 're not wearing ? earrings28 . Your favorite store ? Kohls29 . Your favorite color ? cerulean30 . When was the last time you laughed ? today31 . Last time you cried ? um . . . last Sunday32 . Your best friend ( s ) ? I don 't get to see them enough ! 33 . One place that I go to over and over ? home34 . One person who emails me regularly ? mom , sister , dee35 . Favorite place to eat ? it 's a long list ! currently it is Chuy 's but it changes day to dayThanks for having me play . Maybe one day I will have something interesting to say . C . CRM did call me today to " check in " whatever that means . Yes , I want to come over Spring Break but that is too far away so I have to WAPosted by If you like country music ( which being in Texas are we the ONLY ones ? ) then you have heard this song . Man I looooveeee that song and it gets stuck in my head . So true ! ! So loooonnnggg time and no posting for me . I don 't have a lot to say so just keeping quiet . It has hit me lately than in about 3 months I will be 31 and I have done nothing IF related since February . Kinda depressing . REALLY depressing . I really am trying to be patient but still be in the now . It is hard . God is great . . . even when you can 't understand why or how . I have had such fun seeing some people get pregnant but then some people have had horrible , saddening , gut wrenching losses . I don 't understand it . But still , God is great . I know He is . And they know He is too . Beer is good . . . which is probably why I haven 't posted a lot , heee ! We 've been livin ' like we are in college lately . It is fun I must say ! More carefree than we have been in a long time . It is kinda hurtin ' the pocket book but for some reason I don 't want to say " no we can 't go " anymore . I have said that for ( GASSSPPPP ) six years [ 5 . 5 technically to make myself feel better ] . And people are crazy . . . I joined a gym . Apparently a money tree is growing in my backyard . But I really need to lose weight and tone up . It is not only critical for the babymaking next year but also for an upcoming wedding where I have to wear a mermaid style dress . YES THAT IS WHAT I SAID . Let 's just say I am short and more than a little curvy and that dress is going look like ass on me . I could lose 30 pounds and it would still look bad . It doesn 't even flatter the size 4s ! ! BUT GOD IS GREAT AND BEER IS GOOD . . . and guess what ? People are crazy ! especially brides ! ! The beer will be especially good the night of that wedding ; - ) Also other people are crazy . Family members are crazy . People that you think are your good friends are a little crazy . And they sometimes , I guess , just don 't care for you that much anymore and move on to what they feel are better things or friends or whatever . Ah well , what to do ? Not mucPosted by That is a new word in case you didn 't know . At least according to me and my coworker . A mix between BLAH and ARGH and UGH and LARGE . BLARGH . And it is not for blog , it is for a mix of all those things I said . Just a really big blah ! and UGH ! all at the same time . That is how I feel lately . So vacation was good . Soooooo . sooooo . SooooooooooOOOOOOO . good . And I think that is why I am now very disgruntled with everyday life . I will take another of those please . Please ? So a few pics for ya . Although I have not revealed any pics of ME ever . Not sure I am ready to do so at this point . I have no idea why . Don 't question the crazy ok ? hmmm kkkI give you the port of Miami : Look back at all the condos . Pretty sailboats . There was a complete rainbow when we left ! ! ! Cabbage Beach on Paradise Island , Nassau , Bahamas : We took a cab and were let out at a public beach . There were tons of people but if you walked down there was no one ! It didn 't say private beach so we kept going . The water was awesome . Like a swimming pool ! ! We walked all the way to the point you can see in the pic above . When we got down to the point it was amazing . Too bad we didn 't have snorkel gear ! Looking back at the Atlantis Resort . I give you Cococay , Bahamas : You 'll have to excuse me . . . I was in love with the coconut trees ! ! I just couldn 't stop taking pictures of them ! ( and also have no idea how I turned underline on or how to turn it off , haha ! ! ) I enjoyed this uncrowded beach immensly . It was just right around the corner from everyone else all squished in this one place . I didn 't understand it . Other than I guess the bar was really far from this spot . . . . or I guess people just didn 't want to walk that far ? just like on Cabbage Beach ? no idea ! it was beautiful and I was so happy I pretty much had it to myself . And then the wonderful Key West : Aaaah yeah , my husband was not going to wait in line to take a picture with this so we just kept moving . We ended up renting bikes to ride around the island . I loved riding the bikes ! ! might be my favorite part of the whole tripPosted by Hello ! Sweet Kate left me a note the other day to see what I am up to . And I guess I have been taking a blog vacation and worrying about doctor and babies vacation . Well , as much of a vacation you can take from it I guess ! It is of course still always on my mind . But I haven 't had a lot to say . . . . I have been watching so many I follow get pregnant and then some with losses . I am so happy for you that got positives and all you are experiencing , that is amazing and gives me such great hope that it will happen for me too in time . And then some with losses that just break my heart . I don 't feel like I have words great enough to make you feel better . But I am still paying attention , just haven 't known what to say . Also , I am getting ready for a real life vacation in 8 days . Cruise to the Bahamas ! I am sooooooooooo excited and the hubby is too . This will be the first big trip we have taken all by ourselves in quite sometime ! Since 2003 I think . I have spent an ungodly amount of money and time just " preparing " for the trip . You know tanning ( I know its bad , but really I HAD TO or people would be seriously blinded ) , working out , counting calories , now this week time to get my hair did , bikini wax ( oy ! but some PCOS girls , we got no choice ! ! ) , and then I keep debating on a pedicure . I probably will , I have alot of blisters from working out . But I hope it will all be worth it . . . It feels good to think about that stuff and splurge on myself a little . But in the back of my mind I feel a little guilty too . Like I could pay bills or for IVF with that ! But you know , sometimes you just need a break . We still debate what our next move it is in the baby making department . We still consider the ovarian drilling but then again I haven 't called my insurance company to see if they will cover that or if they might cover some of the diagnostic testing at CCRM . I don 't know why I am being such a lazy bum over here . I suppose I have needed the time off from it all . I feel like I have just been waiting for that moment of clarity where a plan Posted by Continuing with the one word descriptive titles , well yes I am . So first a lengthy disclaimer . I know I sound really very sad and depressed here . And I really rant and am all whoa is me and look at my poor situation . And I don 't think of myself as being that way in real life . Or I don 't perceive myself to be that way , maybe others could tell you differently . I sometimes feel odd , bad , embarrassed , afraid , confused and other things about what I post here . But it 's my place to do that . And many people IRL say I apologize WAY too much already . So I won 't say I am sorry . I will just say this is my place I let out frustrations . And if you were all sick of reading I would absolutely understand . I guess I feel like saying this in part because I notice that a " follower " had taken themselves off and I was like why did they do that ? and well they probably were tired of reading this shmack . I understand completely . I absolutely do . But I still need a place to get it out and if it no one reads then at least I have it out of my head . To hopefully stay out of my mind so that I can move on . On the outside IRL , I try to seem like I am not bothered by most things . People are annoying - not a problem , they are who they are . Things at work are stupid , who cares , I just work here . I can 't change it , just roll with it . I let things go and say whatever to them . Then eventually the situation BUILDs UP . And then I am mad and I am unhappy and think to myself HOW in the hell did I get here ? Everything was just fine 5 minutes ago . Why am I upset now ? ( and others are looking at themselves going - why is she upset now too ) I have NO REASON to be upset or annoyed or perturbed . People don 't like people who are negative or complain . Or people who complain and then DO NOTHING . I certainly don 't like those people . But sadly in some cases I am just exactly that person . I really am so annoyed with my job . And I have been there before . And I have done nothing about it . I feel this loyalty to where I am . I get ample vacation and sick time . My bosses praisePosted by I have a thing for one word titles these days . { and I thought I would try out a new font . . . } ~ ~ ~ warning really terribly rambly and exceptionally ranty edition ~ ~ ~ So we had our consult with C . CR . M last night . I really don 't know what to say about it , it left me in a weird place to some degree . I had finally kinda got in the groove of just trying to enjoy my life and not worry and constantly think of this infertility crap and have hope and patience that some day it will happen for us . But in light of the recent announcement in the family I am feeling blue . And so I thought the consult would help that and now it kinda also left me feeling blue . So we talked to the infamous Dr . Sch . oolc . raft and he was very nice . I summed up our history and all that and it basically boils down to we don 't know if my eggs are good and we don 't know if there are chromosomal issues . But he does think it is best to try at one more lab before we give up or move on to possibly donor eggs . I knew he was going to say donor eggs , I just KNEW it . GAH . Not that I have a problem with DEs really I just don 't know if it is for me or what my husband thinks about it . BLAH BLAH move on to the part where he says that obviously something is very wrong if you only get 2 blasts out of however many ( 31 but who is counting ! ? ) eggs over 2 cycles . How about some truth for you ? You didn 't want to hear the truth ? Well too bad . So there it was , I could barely talk after that . Like what do you say to that , the man is quite obviously right but I don 't want him to be right . I wanted him to say come on up here and we can make you preggo ! ! ! ! Yeah , as we all know that didn 't happen . He is not a fan of the ovarian drilling but I knew that was coming too . It would not mean they would not treat us but he wasn 't sure how that might possibly affect the Shared Risk Financing which is through a third party and they decide who they will or will not accept . So then aside from we don 't know if you can even make good healthy embryos , there is the cost of the whole damn thing . Which Posted by Ok that last post was so HORRIBLE but was true to what I was feeling at the moment . They came , I lived , it was fine . What can I do ? I can 't do anything about it . They want me to be OK and I get that . But it is just hard and especially when I just want it to be easy . I don 't want it to be awkward for them . And I don 't want to feel awkward either . We didn 't discuss it at length because we were going out so I said I wanted to talk about it later though . I just didn 't want to get all worked up and ruin the night . I will be going next weekend to see her anyway and we will be alone so I just figured we could talk more then . I mean how much should I explain ? I feel like I want to talk about it , but will I somehow hurt her feelings possibly ? I don 't want to do that . I just want to explain that as hard as it is and will be to hear everything I want to be part of it all . Does that even make sense ? And she doesn 't want to hurt MY feelings . So I feel like we will be in one big don 't make anyone feel bad circle . I think the fear and anticipation of seeing them was worse than the actual visit . The visit was normal . I am also having a hard time imagining her pregnant . I don 't know what that is . . . I guess I just want to know how that feels and with IF preggers I get all the details on their blogs . But with people who just get pregnant easy you don 't tend to get all those details , know what I mean ? Sometimes I am just one big conflict . I say I don 't want to know or talk about it , but then I DO . Thank you everyone for your comments . I really do appreciate it and I know you all understand . Hope everyone has a great weekend ! Our closest friends who happen to be family , as I call them , are pregnant . And I don 't know how to deal . I knew it would happen . I knew it would happen soon . And they emailed my husband so he could break the news to me . She would have called me on the way home from work today but he said he would tell me instead . They wanted to let us know before they tell everyone else . And I am just so broken when I should be happy and supportive and joyful . And I should have called them to say just that . And instead I am ugly . I can 't stop crying . I knew this would happen . I knew this would tear my world apart and I didn 't want it to . I don 't want it to but I can 't stop it . I feel like I can 't stop it . And they will be here . Tomorrow . To stay with us . It 's been planned for a while so there is no excuse to get out of it . No way to avoid it . No way to have time to absorb it . To move past how hurt I am that it is not me ( again ) . I don 't even feel like me with how jealous I am . And I feel like I shouldn 't even say that but it is true . It is just brutally honest . I hate who this journey makes me some days . I am not who or how I want to be when I feel like this . I wanted to have babies at the same time . I want to be able to share this with her and be close about it but now I can 't . It just feels so impossible . And if our IVF would have worked both of us would be pregnant at the same time . It would be possible to feel normal . To feel so excited that our kids would grow up together . And people treat us differently . Everyone in the family wants us to be OK and they don 't want to hurt us . And I know it . But it still hurt me no matter what . My husband can put on a great face and say all the right things and keep his feelings below the surface . I just want to say nothing because I feel like everything I say will just be wrong and the emotion is right there . It just takes one little tiny thing for it to show . So I keep quiet . And know that that will be judged too . Quietness . Hopelessness is what it is . Being scared to say anything for the flood oPosted by Filling out forms for a living , that is . No lie . So who has had the privilege of filling out the CCR . M forms ? or really it doesn 't even have to be THEM , but any doctor office forms ? I see ALL of your hands raised . GAH , for real , can they all join the here and now with you know that thing called word processing ? I mean these forms have been scanned in from a copy that was photo copied hundreds of times and then maybe faxed and then finally scanned , printed and scanned again . There are so many black specs on it , so ridiculous ! ! Could you possibly use WORD or PDF for goodness sake ? So that my scratchy ugly hand writing doesn 't have to be all over the place ? I can barely write legibly any more because I type everything ! ! I have seriously thought about bartering for infertility service . I will convert one form to PDF for you for each blood draw . I will create new interactive forms for an ultrasound . Heck for two ultrasounds I will make PDF forms that automatically attach to a database so you don 't even need someone to put that info in LATER ! ! ! Maybe I am simply the only one bothered by this . I will not apologize . Ok , now for serious stuff . Who really has filled in the C . CRM forms ? because the credit card form scares me . I mean I understand its purpose . But at the same time I am just doing a phone consultation . Which they SAY is free supposedly . . . so I am confused . HALP ! do I have to fill it out ? because I really don 't want to . So a few things happening on the infertility front but not trying to let them consume me . I feel like I am in a new place about it but maybe it is just because it is not taking up my thoughts 24 / 7 . It is still there but right now is a time to live and do other things . My doctor did finally call me and he doesn 't really have any ideas about what he may do differently ( or so it seemed to me ) . There may be an egg problem but no good tests to try to figure it out other than trying again . I am young so he doesn 't feel they are necessarily bad . For some reason my embryos do great day 1 - 3 and then drop off substantially in day 4 and 5 . He said he doesn 't believe in PGD because I don 't have a family or medical history that points to something genetic and you could get the one good or bad cell in any embryo . So he doesn 't think it is perfected enough to tell us anything . So he said we have 2 choices . . . 1 ) try a 3 day transfer or 2 ) try ovarian drilling if we want to . 1 ) The problem with a 3 day transfer is how in the world would we pick the embryos ? On day 3 of this cycle I had 20 dividing embryos , most of which looked pretty darn promising . So it was the obvious choice to grow them to blast . It should have been a better chance . He also doesn 't think I have any uterine problems or blood flow issues that would affect implantation . He thinks it 's all on the egg quality mainly . But he wouldn 't say that I have bad eggs or should give up or go on to donor or anything like that . I think basically he was saying he is out of tricks . He wouldn 't change the protocol much from last time . And the problem with PCOS is that you get too many eggs then instead of a lower number of quality eggs . 2 ) When I first started going to him I asked what he thought about ov . arian drill . ing . My mom has been on my case from the beginning that that is a procedure I need to have . She had it done back when it was called wedging and she had her first regular periods after that . I have just never found a doctor that was willing to to do it because it is consPosted by Just saying hi if anyone is still even checking this old rusty thing . I did get to go on sort of a mini vacation over spring break . See if you can guess where it was from some pictures . Eh , you probably can 't but it was somewhat exciting at the very least . Over spring break we also went to the casino in Shre . vep . ort with some friends . I forgot my camera for that excursion . All you would see is my husband losing me money and me trying to win it back anyway ; - ) I just don 't know that I am cut out for gambling . While it is fun , I HATE losing money . So . . . yeah , not as much fun as it could be if I could get over that part . Then later that week we went to the above spot . We visited my husband 's former boss . My husband wants to move there , but I am very much against it . So the trip was kinda weird in that regard . He says I didn 't want to admit I liked it and I say that just the whole reason to go up there was weird to begin with ! I really don 't know who is right . They did put us up in a nice little house that we had all to ourselves ( for FREE ) . That was super nice ! and we did both enjoy that a lot . And we also toured some local wineries . That was fun , but the wine has a distinctly odd flavor that I couldn 't put my finger on . I think it might be the local water . We bought a bottle at each one and let 's just say I opened the first one and drank less than one glass and then I have not touched nor brought myself to open another . So that is probably NOT a good sign of the quality . Oh well . Also on vacation . . . apparently my doctors office . I contacted them again last week for a final review of IVF # 2 and they said they would check with the doctor . Still nothing by today . I am really tired of that . And we are probably moving on anyway , but still ! ? This really should not be that hard . It makes me think they are purposely avoiding me . I doubt that is the case , but sometimes it does make me wonder if I am just so hopeless they don 't want to talk to me at all . And so I am also on infertility vacation it seems . But just yesterday the couPosted by This is just a silly post although the title makes it sound pretty angry . . . . You know how they say pregnancy hormones make you stupid ? or you can 't remember anything ? Well one day I hope to experience that , however in the meatime , I think I am experiencing some serious lack of intelligence from going through IVF . Seriously . I think all those hormones jack you up . . . or maybe it is JUST ME ! ? . . . . but today I had trouble counting pages in a proposal . There needed to be twenty . TWENTY . 20 . And somehow after asking for multiple changes from my poor , poor professor I was working with , I would end up with 21 or 22 or 19 , but not freaking 20 ! ? I felt insane . But I am going to blame it on a lag in the effect of all those drugs . GAHWD . I don 't really feel better about blaming it on that though . . . * sigh * And luckily this guy has a sense of humor . And next week I have a week of obviously needed vacation . On the doctor front . . . no one has gotten back to me about scheduling that follow up appointment . Go figure . If I am not cycling , I don 't seem to exist with them . ; - ) It is only helping me put it off even longer . I finally am feeling more up to talking to my doctor so I contacted them for a phone consult on IVF # 2 . We didn 't do one last time at all and I know we need to talk about it . We still have no idea what our next move is going to be and I think my husband and I are both avoiding the subject for now . So I am just trying to be patient and actually that is turning out Ok . I feel pretty happy despite the sadness for a few weeks . After a really long cry with my mom I have actually felt WAY better . I think I just needed to get all that out . And it is hard for my husband to watch me do that sometimes . So , good thing I did tell my mom afterall . Also , she helped me do spring cleaning at my house . That was awesome . And also , good thing I do not react like this to not getting prego : http : / / www . foxnews . com / story / 0 , 2933 , 505151 , 00 . htmlI am taking off over Spring Break and we have some gambling and a short trip planned . I am looking forward to it although it is all with people my husband knows more than I do . He is lucky to have a wife that get along with everyone , I remind him how lucky he IS all the time . The more I have research grad school . . . not so sure again about doing it . Funny how I always seem to come to that conclusion . I think I am just a slacker . But once I really started looking at accounting , eh , not so much . It is just another thing up in the air . But it is fun exploring at least . While I have not been commenting much , I have been keeping up with you all and wish you all the best ! ! I have kinda missed blogging . . . and I just felt like I wanted to post . Although , it is kinda all random . Happy weekend to everyone ! Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your comments and support . It really did make me feel better to read each one . And there is one that I must have hit the wrong button . . . I didn 't mean to delete a comment from Maredsous ! I am so sorry ! I did not mean to do that at all . The beta was negative . I haven 't set up any appointments to discuss what they think happened . I haven 't felt up to it yet . I don 't even know what I want to do next or if we should change clinics or what . I know many people have to do multiple tries before it works . But I feel like our embryos are just really crappy for some reason . They just stop growing after a certain point . I mean we ended up with one blast on each try . And I know I should not complain , some end up with NONE . I discussed some of this with the embryologist ( when he called me at home on a Saturday ! on his birthday ! ) and it could be all kinds of problems . Or he suggests trying a 3 day transfer . At the time we were discussing it " intellectually " as he said since we didn 't know if indeed I might be pregnant . Ha ! So I don 't know if I will be posting much here for now . If / when we try again it will be another year . That is what saddens me the most . Financially , we can 't make another run until a new flex plan year . And I think it might be time for me to pursue grad school since this isn 't working out . The thing about that is that I don 't really know what I want to do . I have an undergrad in Agribusiness ( which is so useful ! ) . So I was thinking accounting . I just don 't want to pay all that money for school and end up in the same direction as my current job in preaward grant administration . And that is BOREDOM or it still just not being what I want to wake up every morning and do . That is not to say I am bored from lack of work at my job , I am just tired of the same old crap that never changes . I just need change and new challenges every couple of years . I am hitting my max for having been in the same position for the past 4 years , working on 5 years and there is no room for growth Posted by Well I POAS and it was negative . I am numb and know the emotion of it hasn 't even begun to come out yet . I don 't want to believe it . I was so sure this was it . And my husband was so sure . I don 't have a clue what comes next . There is the slightest of slightest of the very slightests that the test could be wrong and the blood work will show differently . But let 's be honest , that is highly unlikely and just very wishful thinking . I haven 't even thought beyond this because I was so sure it would work . I have put my entire life off for the past 5 years . Not wanting to change jobs , not wanting to go back to school , basically losing everything about myself that I used to take pride in because I wanted this one thing . A baby , a family of more than two . But I guess I need to begin to focus on something else . If this doesn 't happen my life can 't end . And that is how I have been living . I don 't do anything I enjoy anymore . In fact I don 't even KNOW what I enjoy anymore . I have been just one huge ball of indecision not wanting anything to interfere or take money from the next time we try . I lived every day for the next time we would try even though that has mostly been years apart . I have stood still while time kept moving the past 5 years . I just wish I could flee everyone I know and the fact that they have kids or if they don 't yet , that they they will soon . I just wish I wasn 't me . I wish that alot actually . I just wish I was a totally different person altogether . Hey everyone ! Thanks for the comments wondering about me and sorry I just dropped off . I have actually been keeping busy which is a good thing . I still have not POAS but probably will tomorrow once we get home from our weekend adventures . My beta is Monday . I feel scared to POAS for some reason . Then it is so final if it is negative . . . but it could positive . As someone said here in the blogosphere , you just don 't know until you know . So I am hopeful , yet all the negative feelings still seem to creep in and take over . My husband is really annoyed by that , but it is SO HARD since I don 't feel anything or have symptoms to be absolutely sure and convinced . I always leave room for what could go wrong when I think of things , it is just part of my personality . . . . So Thursday to stay busy , I went out with K who does my PIO . We had dinner and then she wanted to get her ear pierced , higher up I guess it is called in the cartilage ? So I went to a tattoo and piercing parlor with her and watched her get it done . Before the PIO shots I probably could have NEVER watched . But I did and it wasn 't too gross to me . Strange ! K 's hubby was very funny , he was totally against her taking a pregnant lady into a TATOO parlor . I that he was sweet for calling me preggers ! Hehe . Last night we came into H - town and stuffed ourselves with our all time favorite Italian food at M . aggi . an . o 's . OMG . SO good . But I know that I ate way , way , way too much . But it was grand . Then we just came home and did the quickest PIO shot ever because dinner has taken like 2 . 5 hours . Luckily , I had checked with my nurse to see if it was Ok to deviate from my normal time or I would have been freaking OUT . But she said around an hour off would be fine . We were like an hour and 10 minutes off , but hey I got it in and decided I will NOT freak out about it . So today the boys went to play golf ( although it has rained alot so I hope they are playing ) and then d is at the gym ( which is why I snuck on hubby 's computer ) . She asked me to go along but I opted to stay home and slPosted by 7dp5dt . OMG , when is this going to be over ? But yet , don 't let it be OVER over . Just let it be Sunday night so I can POAS and see what is going on . I have made a vow not to do it until then . But let me tell you it is HARD . Especially right now when the hubster is not home . And he will not be home until at least 7 : 30 every night this week . UGGGH . I do and don 't want to do it . So nothing much going on . I got my progesterone level back - 18 . 3 - which I have no idea what that means and I can 't remember what it was the last time for my FET and apparently I didn 't write it down for some reason . I asked if it was OK or if it was low and the only response was it is OK but tends to go down from here . So good thing that I just upped the PIO , that is indeed what they had intended . One minute I feel like I am having sypmtoms and one minute I don 't . I just wonder how much is the progesterone talking . Probably most if not all of it . Speaking of those biotches , I actually have been giving them to myself ! ! ! Well , sorta , hubby pinches and I stick the needle in and try to hold steady while hubby pushes the medicine slowly in . This past weekend my friend had to go out of town and this coming weekend we will be out of town so we thought we better learn . Hubby is very shaky and he is afraid of hurting me so up to this point he has refused to even think about doing it . But I think our little team work thing does pretty good and he is not so freaked out about it now that he sees it isn 't too horrible . I really NEVER thought I could stick a needle that big into my bum on my own , but it turns out I CAN . There are so many things I can do that I never thought I could . That is one thing the IF crapola has been good for . . . Other than that , work is busy which I suppose is good . And we have plans for the weekend so that is extra good because I need distractions . We will be going to H - town to see my husband 's cousin and her husband . They are the one 's I say are our friends that happen to be family . We have been hanging out since college so it is aPosted by That is my blog motto and that is exactly how I have been feeling this week . I did go back to work and it is busy , but as some of you mentioned it might be , it was certainly a welcome thing to have to concentrate on something else . And I have promised myself to manage the stress with gracefulness . And so far it is working . I just do one thing at a time , it will all get done . I do admit though I am a little feistier than usual . But I think it is working for me . Wednesday I felt pretty good . I still had alot of bloating but I wasn 't totally uncomfortable . I laughed alot . ALOT that day . Big belly laughing that couldn 't stop at some things that happened that day . I was hoping that was Ok for the embryos , surely they are protected . Most funny was when I was at my friends house for my PIO shot . We work together and somehow we got on the topic of work and how we can 't believe some people are still working there after 30 years and how they dress , act , complain , etc . ! It is a whole long story of course , that probably only WE think is funny , but basically right before the shot she tells me at one point they had hired a woman who had scabies . Now I don 't even know wHAT THAT IS except that the reason they found out was because the lady smelled like flea shampoo because that is how you got rid of them ( and she was fired after 3 days not sure if it was because of that or other things ) . Now she tells me this with my bare butt cheek about to be poked with an inch and half needle and I couldn 't stop laughing and SHE couldn 't stop . So we both held our breath , did the deed and continued our laughter . I still don 't know why it was SO funny other than you just had to be there and know our crazy work environment and the characters that work there . Thursday I just woke up sad though . I just was sad right off the bat . I was sad that my work pants fit me . CRAZY . I know I am crazy , I get it . I do not want life threatening OHSS or anything but since they say it can get worse if you are prego , I guess I was just thinking keeping some of the blPosted by I have so much all twisted up in my head . So this post may just be gobbledy goop splatted all over the page . So that is your warning in case you want to stop reading now ! I woke up at 2 : 30 again last night , this time no gas pain since I ate something with the antbiotic when I took it , but because I had major cramps that woke me up . At first I was all yeah baby , cramp away ! But then I just wanted it to stop because it really hurt so bad I couldn 't sleep . I went to the bathroom and it stopped . So now I am left wondering . I have felt mild crampiness today . I hate the wondering , it drives me insane . IVF # 2 has been so different . Different in that everything worked correctly for the most part and I was cheery and took one day at a time . The doctor even complimented me on how well I had done yesterday before the transfer and that they were really proud of me . I would have loved to have transferred all blasts but hey at least I had 3 left to transfer and more still going at the time ( haven 't heard about the others ) . But oddly during and after the transfer yesterday I just was kinda like " Ok it is over now " . I am not as excited out of my mind as the first time and I don 't know what that is about . I wonder if that is a bad thing or what ? I am somehow in disbelief that IVF # 2 happened and now I must wait . It is SO WIERD if you ask me . Why do I feel that way ? I should be ecstatic and unable to contain myself . Instead I am just " well that 's over " . Terrible . I had to call the Dr again this mornig . Ugh ! I slept so well but couldn 't really sleep late because my neck was hurting . So I got up and started watching TV but got kinda comfy and started drifting off . So I napped for a moment in kind of an upright position on the couch and then decided to lay down . When I layed flat on my right side I had some girgling in my lungs and coughed when I was trying to breath . So I tried my left side and then my whole chest hurt ! I was concerned since they told me yesterday to watch out for any sign there is fluid on my lungs . And the fluid inPosted by I feel like I have really been absent ! I haven 't posted because the last few days have kinda sucked . I have felt really terrible and so I haven 't been up to much at all and all I could think of to write was complainy , whiny stuff . Which I know you would all understand , but I just felt like it would be too sad so I declined . The good news is today I feel much better . To try to sum it all up . . . Friday , Saturday and Sunday , I was really bloated and uncomfortable but nothing of the really bad signs they warn you about . Sometimes I thought I was having shortness of breath , but to me if you THINK about that then you can basically make it happen so I was never quite sure . The worst part was the terrible , terrible and painful gas I was getting and oddly it showed up around 3am every night . And I had to get up and walk and hope and pray that some would come out while chugging tums and Mylanta . It would temporarily help until I laid down for a while again and then it was back . It was so painful , I was thinking is this what pregnancy is going to be like ? I tried eating more protein and drinking tons of Gatorade * * . I even resorted to calling L & D twice to talk to a resident to try to make sure that this indeed was gas and wasn 't caused by something else or somehow was something bad . They always were very helpful and did say there were cause for concern considering the amount of eggs that were retrieved . But I made it through without ever going in to see them since it is a 2 hour drive . This morning though I decided to call my clinic to see what they thought since I was never able to talk to my actual doctor all weekend . I was concerned if something bad was going on that maybe the transfer was not a good idea . They suggested blood work to see if anything was going on . I am fine with them saying suck it up , I can do that ! but I just wanted to be certain nothing else was going on . So when I got to my transfer appointment , they said all was well with the blood work and I was relieved . They did check my abdomen for fluid and my right Posted by The day 2 report is good . . . and I got it after I sent an email apologizing for being a major pain in the ass last night . Yes , I know , that is why they are there ( that is what the nurse said but really it is her job to say that ) but I was so embarrassed to be so unprepared for this major event . GEEZ [ hiding my face ] . 7 mature unfertilized ( < - - - not sure why they say this ? ) 5 fertilized as 1 cell 3 as 4 cell 1 as 3 cell 4 as 2 cell And I report for a 5 day transfer on Monday at 3 : 30 . Sadly , VERY SADLY , hubby can 't go to the transfer with me because he teaches a college class at 4 : 15 and he can 't miss , they don 't exactly have substitutes for that kind of thing . So I guess my mom will take me . She is dying to know what is going on but I haven 't told her . Already yesterday she was calling , because she cares and is so excited , and I just didn 't want to say how many had fertilized . I could tell she wanted to ask but held back . How MEAN am I ? I just want to enjoy it for myself and with the internets for now . And even if she takes me Monday , I am not sure if I want to tell her how many . She has her hopes up so high it seems . I don 't want to disappoint her . I am very excited ! ! Hubby is also very excited ! ! I just hope that this is successful . I won 't say alot about it , but I feel pretty confident this time . I am not sure if that is good or bad or a total jinx . Good to be positive , but what if I TOTALLY can 't handle it then if it doesn 't happen ? Are we setting ourselves up for major failure and meltdown if it doesn 't work ? Who knows I suppose . Who really knows . I am still bloated today and had killer gas at the top of my abdomen this morning when I got to work . And I did actually fit in my jeans , go figure . After a few antacids , which I don 't even know if it is OK to take but I was in PAIN , I felt better . Unfortunately , today was " food day " at work so I ate only soup for lunch ( and cornbread and a potato thingy ) . I really have grown to hate the food day once a month because I have NO will power whatsoever . I am sure none of Posted by There was panic and hysterical crying but now everything is OK . I am supposed to be a pro at this right , with round number 2 and all ? But tonight I was getting my PIO stuff together to take to my friend 's house and discovered that my PIO was EXPIRED . AND the top of the vial that has the rubbery stuff , latex maybe ? , had become all deformed and expanded so that it looked like there was something floating or coagulated in the oil . I had 2 things of it left from my last IVF , but that was over a year ago . I had asked the nurse about using the leftover and she said fine as long as it hadn 't been used before . But she probably didn 't realize how long ago it had been . The vial is inside a regular prescription bottle that has " Use By _____ " but there was no date listed so I thought I was good to go . But , when I took the bottle out it said Exp : 3 / 18 / 08 . Lesson learned . Proceed to freak out . So I called the L & D and asked for a resident which is what I was told to do if I had any problems . I explained the situation , of course not without breaking out into tears . I had pro . metriu . m and I was wondering if that would be OK to take for tonight instead . The resident had no clue ( said something about not being a pharmacist so she didn 't know ) so I hung up . So at this point my husband is kinda mad at me ( and rightly so if you ask me , because not only am I an idiot sometimes but the whole reason I didn 't order more is because I was trying to be CHEAP ) . So I decided to call back and request my RE to be paged and call me . The nurses were like , I don 't know if we can do that . But that is exactly what my ER nurse had told me to do if I had any problems . She probably meant OHSS probs , but I was in a panic and really thought this was important . They just said , we 'll see if we can get him but didn 't say for sure that anyone would call back at all . I can understand not wanting to call him , but OMG PANIC on my part . So I called a W . algre . en 's and talked to a pharmacist to see if they have PIO or if they knew the difference between taking PIO and tPosted by The nurse emailed me this morning . She said there were actually 43 ( HOLY GOD really ? I have never heard of that many either . I feel like a freak , but I guess in a good way ) . But then 23 were immature or atretic * so that left us 20 mature . Not too shabby , still very pleased . Of the 20 , then 11 fertilized . And they didn 't tell me my E2 but I would be interested to know what it was / is . I know the embryologist said my E2 looked good before the retrieval but that is all I know . I didn 't think to ask . At first I was kinda wanting to be upset about the fert rate , but then I realized I was just being GREEDY since I can 't have 20 kids anyway ! The nurse said it was " very nice " and I agree . Also , they decided not to do ICSI for some reason so those all fertilized by just letting the " sperm pick " as the nurse put it . I just pray that not too many fall off in the next five days . They haven 't said if we will do a 3 day or 5 day transfer yet , but we are really hoping for a 5 day blast transfer if at all possible . And possibly at least a few to freeze in case we have to try again . I guess tomorrow we will see how they are all doing . They also don 't grade the embryos so I don 't have any exciting things to say about the 11 . I am actually fine with that though . In my mind they are all equal then ! Any one of them could be the ONE ( or two or three , SEE VERY GREEDY suddenly , I am sorry , please everyone forgive me ) . As for how I feel now . . . well very , very sore . And the doc gave me vic . od . in and yesterday it seemed fine to take them because I could sleep . But today I went to work and OMG the loopiness and I just took ONE . Plus I think they were making me nauseous . But after a hour or so I felt better . I just feel really bloated and have alot of gas that I feel is trapped and it won 't come out . Also , the ole ovaries do hurt when I walk but it has gotten better throughout the day . And I only took that one pain pill at 8 : 3o and haven 't had any since . Finding an outfit to wear to work was interesting to say the least . And tomorrow we can wearPosted by I had my ER today and it all went very well . I am so thankful and feel so very blessed and excited . They got 39 eggs . 4 were no good so we have 35 to work with . I can 't believe it ! I am SOOOOooooo thankful . So thankful ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I can 't even describe how excited and thankful or say it enough . First off , we had to travel last night because there were all these ice storm warnings . In Texas , this is a big deal and people freak out . I was just concerned that it would take us forever to get there in the morning and my hubby agreed that it would be easier and more relaxing for both of us to know we didn 't have to worry about it . And the town we were going to was right on the edge of where it got pretty bad . So we packed up and headed out , got there about 11 : 30 . I was very cranky when we got there and was taking it out on my poor hubby . But in my defense , we were standing on the balcony in the freezing ass wind while I couldn 't get the door open , and he is just standing there pointing as some baseball field and slowly telling me how he played baseball there once . I DID NOT CARE at the moment , just get me in the stupid door so I can stop freezing my butt off and go to bed ! And then I discovered I had forgotten my glasses which did not help my mood further . Finally , we got to bed about 12 : 30 . Then we slept too late and were a little late for our appt to sign the consent forms . The beds and pillows were so comfy ! OOPs . Although not unlike us at all to be late . On the short drive to the clinic there was still ice everywhere , just luckily the roads and bridges were fine . We agreed we had made the right decision though . We felt kinda dumb at first since it was bright sunshine outside already . Then we got in with the doc , signed the consents , and made our way to L & D to get my IV . Well that was an adventure . It took them 3 tries and I have a nice big bruise on my right hand now , but at least I had requested a numbing shot , otherwise I would have been in hysterical tears . That has never happened before that they couldn 't find the vePosted by Howdy ! I am 30 31 32with PCOS and we have been TTC for 5 6 7 full years now . I hope we are on the fast track to a new family now ( um not really so much , since I have now marked out 2 birthdays and added 2 years to the time line ) , but you never know with IF ( HA HA HA ) . It is nothing if not unpredictable ( you don 't say ) . And MAN would I like to know what is going to happen . But God has that in his hands . Watch the story unfold with me .

( relationship filter ] Please help me choose between true love and great sex . Of course , I don 't really mean that . But I do need help making a decision and whatever I decide to do , someone 's heart is going to be broken . I am a woman in my mid - twenties . For several years , I have been an on - again off - again relationship with a man , also in his mid - twenties . We met during college and had a very close friendship . Then we became boyfriend and girlfriend . About two years later , I moved to his hometown and we got a house together . Let 's call him K . To give you an idea of our relationship , I think we were the " perfect " couple . We shared a unique philosophy , we shared the same spiritual beliefs , we had the same offbeat sense of humor . . . We were the kind of couple that collaborated on music - making ; we made large - scale art installations together ; we volunteered in foreign countries together ; and we read books from the public library together . We were the kind of couple that strangers exclaimed at " You two are so cute ! " We were the kite - flying , mixtape - making , screen - printing , bird - watching , cake - baking kind of couple . K made me laugh outloud every day and when I hugged him , I felt more love than I ever thought possible . When we talked about the future , we both wanted the same things : to save and travel around the world together , to get married and have a child together in the next 10 years , to do Peace Corps together , to work for social justice , and so on . When we would kiss beneath our favorite tree , I would feel like there couldn 't possibly be a love more pure and true than ours . You know what I 'm talking about , MeFites ? There were , however , two serious problems that led to us breaking up . 1 . First , he struggled with jealousy . He repeatedly interrogated me for hours about the boyfriends I had before him , going back to high school . These kinds of sessions would leave me crying and would leave him dissatisfied with my responses . Questions would range from " When did you lose your virginity ? " to " How many times did you sleep with your last boyfriend ? " and on and on . If I even spoke to another guy , K would become alternately sullen or emotional . When we were living together , I felt extremely isolated . K insisted that we leave social events early if I talked to other guys ( I would routinely be home in bed by 11 pm on a Saturday night at age 23 ) and he insisted that I was cheating on him . On a trip with my best friend , I became buddies with a younger guy who reminded me of my little brother . When I told K about the nice conversations I had with him , K became upset and thought I had hooked up with the kid . This behavior left me feeling hysterical and like I had no options available for making friends . He criticized my female friends too - " her art sucks " , " she is crazy " , " she seems lame " were comments he made about my female friends . During the year we lived together , I spent New Year 's Eve alone with him , I spent my birthday alone with him , and I spent every weekend alone with him . I felt like I had no one else in my life except him . So towards the end of the year , when I had the opportunity to visit friends in another town , I went . After just a day or two there , I began to feel like myself again . I stayed up late , I got excited about making my own art , I talked to guys and other women without worrying . My friends said " Everyone here thinks you rule ! " and they casually suggested that I move there and live with them . After a few more visits , I decided to do it ! This decision led directly to me breaking up with K . 2 . Second , K had never dated anyone before me . I was his first kiss at age 21 . I was not very expeWith that hanging over my head , I decided to see K again . We spoke honestly and openly about the two problems I described above . He surprised me by revealing that he had done a lot of soul - searching and research on those issues . He unequivocally apologized for isolating me and for pressuring me to talk about my love life with previous boyfriends . He demonstrated that he had begun hanging out with female friends one - on - one and he said that realized that he had been unfair in making so many assumptions about my friendships with other males . He even dated another woman for a while , but he ended it because he didn 't feel that special spark . For me , it was so easy to remember all of the awesome / beautiful parts of our relationship . We talked about getting back together . We went on a date . We held hands . We kissed . We slept together ( unfortunately , it lasted only a few minutes ) . He said " I love you " and I said it back . Now , I am really confused . MeFites , please be gentle . I swear to you my life is usually filled with reading books at home or volunteering at a homeless shelter - - not these kinds of antics . I don 't want my life to resemble a soap opera and I do not want to hurt K or S . But I am so torn about what to do next that I am making myself physically sick . So here is it , stated plainly because anonymity makes it possible to do this : I want to reunite with K because I know we could build a beautiful life together , full of volunteering and family and travel and art and our shared dreams . I am confident that K will propose to me within the next 5 years if we got back together . I know would be a wonderful husband and father who would do everything he could to take care of his family . I know he would support me in my dreams to travel , to attend graduate school , and to continue to be an artist . I miss his companionship so deeply . It hurts to make art or climb trees or play music without him . But the thought of returning to our lackluster sex life has me terrified of feeling unfulfilled . And when I think of my recent relationship with S , I feel a longing for our intimacy . The thought of never feeling that way again makes me want to cry , as pathetic as that sounds . So , MeFites : tell me please , if you have / had a relationship with a disappointing sex life and you have stayed together , how did you make it work ? Did you get married ? How is it working out ? Do you regret your decision ? Seems a clear decision . posted by mazienh at 6 : 34 PM on March 25 , 2010 Neither of these guys sounds like a perfect fit for you . You don 't have to choose one or the other . There are lots of dudes out there . Good luck . posted by ludwig _ van at 6 : 38 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 61 favorites ] Sex is a bit like playing the piano - it takes a while to pick it up , you get progressively better at it , and the damned thing requires tuning once every so often or it 'll start acting funny . Also , like piano , if you don 't listen to what you 're doing , improvement will be slow . Sex is more or less important for some people . I think having the same ballpark _ needs _ ( not skillz or whatever , but " I would like to do it roughly this amount " , " I would like someone who did x to me " ) as a long term partner is very important . This said , you 're young , both of you are / were inexperienced - sheesh , when I first started doing it , I had a _ lot _ to learn ! Things could be radically different in a year 's time . Also , on a practical note : P in V is not the begginning or end of sex . Personally , I would be more bothered about the other jealousy stuff then a few issues in the bedroom . Bedroom can be worked on and improved . Weird psycho behaviour is a lot harder to iron out . Either way , your sex stallion sounds like a dud in every department but the bedroom . Six months ' investment to see how much the other guy has changed , and how much he can pick up his game in the bedroom sounds like a pretty good investment if he 's all that you say he is . The best part of improving your sex life is that the study is fun ! ( also , young guys tend to go off if you look at them cock - eyed ; don 't underestimate this . The flip side is they recover fast . Maybe think about taking care of him first , and then devoting lots of time to a round 2 about five minutes later ) . posted by smoke at 6 : 38 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 3 favorites ] I agree with mazienh , but you might also want to address the jealousy issues with K , either by yourselves or with a therapist . ( Also - - you don 't mention it in your post , but you know that these aren 't your two options , right ? You can go on your volunteering trip for a few years and have those experiences without having to choose between K and S ) posted by OLechat at 6 : 40 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 2 favorites ] K had extreme jealousy and social issues , even if he claims to be over them , and the sex was awful . S is really only compatible with you sexually . I have been in a relationship with a disappointing sex life . We got married because I told myself that being with such a good - hearted , kind person , someone whose values I admired and who I got along with so well was more important than great sex . I was wrong . Very wrong . Divorced and now in a relationship with someone who I have the best sex of my life with and who " gets " me in so many other ways . I realize that great sex and intimacy are absolute deal breakers . These things do ebb and flow , but if you don 't have them from the beginning it is very difficult to get to that place once you are already in the " comfortable " stage of a relationship . Believe me I tried . You need to find that partner who is your match sexually and who fits in with your current life goals . Leave the country to volunteer . Do your thing . Meet new guys and see what is out there . Don 't settle for one or the other . Have both . posted by ephemerista at 6 : 44 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 14 favorites ] A disappointing sex life doesn 't have to remain that way forever . Premature ejaculation is a very common problem and it can be dealt with . Tips For Curing Premature Ejaculation As long as you two can talk about sex , you should be able to fix this . feel a longing for our intimacy . The thought of never feeling that way again makes me want to cry , as pathetic as that sounds . There 's nothing pathetic about it . It 's completely normal to feel that way . But sex gets better the more you do it . And practicing is fun ! The jealousy issue is a bigger problem . You need to be absolutely sure that 's gone if your relationship with K is going to work . posted by MexicanYenta at 6 : 48 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 1 favorite ] to repeat something i said a year ago , if you ever find yourself trying to decide between two people you aren 't ready for either of them . If I even spoke to another guy , K would become alternately sullen or emotional . When we were living together , I felt extremely isolated . K insisted that we leave social events early if I talked to other guys he insisted that I was cheating on him . that 's a lot of shit to jump back into because he said he 's all better now . couple that with the weird " don 't follow your dreams or i 'll break up with you " from the other guy - and i think you need to stretch your wings and find that not all men are controlling , passive aggressive tools . finally , it took me a long time to learn something - you don 't have to settle , you just have to be ok with letting go when someone isn 't right for you . let these guys go . go out there and meet lots of people . have dates , have amazing sex , and worry about the marriage stuff after you find a great partner that makes your brain and your toes curl . posted by nadawi at 6 : 52 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 7 favorites ] For what it is worth . . . and take it from the perspective of someone much older , and married for 25 years - as my dear ol ' dad told me at 16 . . . " son , you spend a hell of alot of time in the living room , not all of it in the bedroom " . That said - given the description you gave of K - I would RUN from him - and do NOT look back . No one - repeat this NO ONE , male or female should be in a relationship that does not have trust in it - and with his jealously issues he has some serious trust issues . It is a danger sign beyond belief and a recipe for a horrible relationship in the long run . My fellow me - fi 's , male and female will back me on that one . As far as option " S " - sex is great , and damn important to any relationship , but if you don 't have the same basic life time goals - he is a band - aid in the works . How about option " X " - you date some other guys - get a feel for what other kinds of relationships might be out there . I 'm not saying sleep with them . . . just see if maybe that passion and spark with K can be found elsewhere . Seriously ? Anyone with those kind of seriously jealously issues needs long - term help . My thoughts . . . of course - YMMVposted by bytemover at 6 : 52 PM on March 25 , 2010 Your choice doesn 't come down to true love or great sex . Your choice is K is controlling . It disturbs me that he was isolating you . I know he says he 's changed , but people don 't change that easily . Also , controlling people will sometimes tell you what you want to hear . I would be very careful getting back together with him . ( Actually , if it were me , I would have broken up with him long ago , but I have a low tolerance for that stuff . ) S . has some growing up to do , but some people are late bloomers . Maybe you can 't make plans with him , but it sounds like he 's fun to be with for now . And , it sounds like he 's giving you something you need for now . I think you deserve someone who is compatible with you sexually , intellectually , has similar ambitions for his life , loves you for who you are , and is funny , too . I 'm not sure either of these guys is it . ( FWIW , my husband and I have been together for 25 years , married for 20 . I don 't think we had the sexual fireworks that you and S have , but it 's always been good and enthusiastic . And we have the other stuff , too - respect , trust , all of it . ) posted by zinfandel at 6 : 54 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 2 favorites ] If I was in your place I would choose C . . . none of the above . K sounds like a young love , everything is perfect in our world ( if you overlook his borderline personality disorder ) kind of thing . S sounds like great sex . . . and that 's all . I think you should move on from both of these guys . You will find a more adult kind of love / life partner relationship if you give it some time . The sex may not be as perfect as with S and the soulmate thing may not be as perfect as with K but the overall relationship / get married / have three kids thing will probably work out better with someone who is more mature . You will end up miserable if you have to put up with K 's jealousy or S 's immaturity for years on end . posted by MsKim at 6 : 56 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 1 favorite ] I agree with those who say that neither one is the one for you . You miss K 's good qualities - which sound like great qualities - but the one for you is someone who has those qualities but who isn 't K . The sex thing , while certainly significant , is not the real problem with K . His jealousy and control issues are . It sounds as though you are a creative , energetic , independent person . From your own description of it all , you have great friends with whom you live ( d ) who are good for you and lots of fun and supportive of you . You also have concrete plans for volunteer work abroad . So why not enjoy your independence and focus on your friends and goals and keep an eye out for someone who will be emotionally on the same page as you in a relationship ? posted by sueinnyc at 6 : 57 PM on March 25 , 2010 To me if a relationship has that many problems after 3 years it is a zombie part of the living dead . I agree with the people who said don 't limit yourself to these two choices . Also , remember you don 't know what the future will bring you only know what is now . Contain yourself to that . posted by Rubbstone at 6 : 58 PM on March 25 , 2010 S was what is known as the " transition guy . " You needed a no - strings - attached , hedonistic fling , and he gave it to you . And that 's fine , and you shouldn 't feel guilty about it . K is your best friend . He is , frankly , a better friend than a lover . You can choose to work on that , and it might get better , as long as you two can communicate . The jealousy , though , and the forced isolation , are HUGE red flags . Emotional abuse starts with these behaviors . So do NOT get back into a relationship with K until you are 100 % sure that those insecurities are also a thing of the past , also born of inexperience . K sounds like " maybe we 'll get it right next lifetime " material . Doesn 't mean you can 't be friends and travel the world etc . etc . Just don 't get romantically mixed up again . posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7 : 26 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 1 favorite ] Your vision of fighting for social justice , etc . , to me , sounds like overplanning , like the kind of person who won 't date someone new and different because they don 't fit the vision they had in their head . I think you should dump both guys and find someone who is great in bed and can expose you to some new experiences that are different than what you 're used to . posted by anniecat at 7 : 31 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 1 favorite ] I don 't think your soul mate is supposed to interrogate you until you cry . posted by mhoye at 7 : 35 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 22 favorites ] I 'm normally the kind of guy to give advice that sides with the majority of this thread , but I think sometimes some people carry so much insecurity into their first relationship that they royally screw it up with jealousy and other controlling behaviors . I don 't think that 's it 's a terrible idea to get back with the ex , but take it slowly and consider couples counseling . And , well , the sex part can be improved if you learn to talk about it . posted by advicepig at 7 : 40 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 1 favorite ] I know he would support me in my dreams to travel , to attend graduate school , and to continue to be an artist . Really ? What if those dreams included you having friends , colleagues , partners , classmates , professors who are male ? You still haven 't figured that part out yet . I know what he said , but he has not demonstrated that he has changed and years worth of evidence says that you will not be able to be with him and maintain your social live or individual creativity . I have to say that you might have a bit of a penchant for drama that is not serving you well - - no one 's heart is going to get broken or , perhaps it will , but the reality of it is that it happens all the time and it 's not a big deal . Really . It 'll be okay . They both did wWhich it sounds like you 've never had . Stop choosing between lame and unimpressive . posted by anildash at 8 : 19 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 4 favorites ] Agree with Misha : S was what is known as the " transition guy . " You needed a no - strings - attached , hedonistic fling , and he gave it to you . And that 's fine , and you shouldn 't feel guilty about it . I think one of the hardest things about this is that things seemed so perfect with K , if he just didn 't have this problem of being controlling . You can 't just cut one part of a person out and have the rest stay the same . I believe it 's going to take a lot of work to turn the controlling behaviour around and it might change him in other ways as well - - for example , his PE issues may be related . Who knows . If you get back together with him , I suggest that you focus heavily on his controlling behaviour , in conjuction with the PE stuff . Don 't let yourself get lost in all the bliss and perfectness . Make it clear to him that if the controlling behaviour comes back in any way ( and be warned : his controlling behaviour may now take on forms different from what you 've experienced previously , so it may be harder to identify them as controlling ) , the relationship is over . So you have to get really , really clear with yourself and him about how the controlling behaviour affected you and make sure he shows remorse for it and commits to not being like that and going to a therapist . It 's going to take a lot of change and work . In the meantime , he should show support for you hanging out with people , trust you for keeping things platonic with other guys , etc . If he feels jealous and threatened , tell him to talk it out and not scream at you . He has to be responsible for his behaviour , not you . Your other option is to not get back together with him . Give him time to work out his shit , like a year or more . You 'll definitely find others in the meantime . I 'm willing to give K the benefit of the doubt that he doesn 't know what he 's doing and is not aware of the effect of the abusive behaviour on you . This article , while geared to parents to have talks with their teenage sons , may have some relevance to you . ( Please ignore the comments below the article ; it 's your usual backlash from men who say women are abusive too . Which IS an issue , of course , but I really can 't stand the victim - y tone of the comments . Don 't read them . ) posted by foxjacket at 8 : 23 PM on March 25 , 2010 In no way do I wish to insult your detailed question with a curt answer , so I will be brief and then verbose . Forget about K because you already left him . No matter what you want , I 'd be highly skeptical that you two could build a healthy relationship . It sounds like your relationship with K was founded amidst distrust ( his ) and your break up and experimentation can only make things worse with K ( and sure , he can change , but I think I 'm always skeptical of romantic rekindlings in any context , and your context just seems like it would be even harder . . . ) . S ? Well , hot sex isn 't the long - term answer for most people ( nor for you , it sounds like ) but you shouldn 't let longings for K rob you of that " 15 " that most of us may only get a quick glimpse of . . . and as a guy , I 'd say you should be honest with S and tell him where you stand and don 't lead him on if he 's really hoping for more than you 're willing to give . And X ? . . . well , I don 't know when / where / how he enters the picture , but it certainly must be well after you 've let go of K . Who knows who X will be , but he 'll be a more mature love for you . You 'll know what you want ( shared interests ) , what you don 't want ( insecurity , distrust , jealousy ) and what would like but would not require ( Chuck and Blair ) . Hey , you honestly sound like a great person . I don 't say it lightly , that I think you 'll make the best decision for you . Good luck . Take care . And maybe even let us know how it turns out . posted by DavidandConquer at 8 : 26 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 2 favorites ] I agree with C . . . none of the above . Last I checked , half of the world 's population was male . But spending some time alone just learning who you are might be the best option . Learn to love your life and yourself , and you 'll eventually attract a great guy . posted by Nematoda at 8 : 26 PM on March 25 , 2010 I agree with everyone else that these are not your only two choices . You 're in your mid - 20 's ? I think you should take at least 2 years before considering getting back together with either of those guys - - and make sure you meet as many people as you can in those two years . Especially try to meet people while doing all the things you love . posted by Ashley801 at 8 : 27 PM on March 25 , 2010 Please don 't think about moving to be with K . Maybe sometime in the future that relationship might be worth exploring again but not so soon , especially if he hasn 't been in any other serious relationships to test out the controlling issue . Go explore , have fun , live life for yourself and figure out who you are before you tie yourself to any particular guy long term . posted by Bunglegirl at 8 : 30 PM on March 25 , 2010 I think you should kindly restore K to his position as a dear friend . It 's clear there 's something lacking between you , for despite the amazing interpersonal ( and platonic ) aspects of your relationship , I disagree that sexual chemistry can be learned . You are a kind and intelligent young lady who has years ahead of her to meet & discover new partners . Most of them will not work out , but that 's the way of life . It doesn 't really sound like you have a real connection with S , so he probably won 't last . Despair not , darling , you 've got a lot of good coming your way . posted by wild like kudzu at 8 : 39 PM on March 25 , 2010 I know this may sound pretty harsh , but K doesn 't sound likeCorinna wrote an article about the cycle of abuse that 's really enlightening , even though not all of it may apply to your relationship with K . Scarleteen is also the place where I first saw the abusive partner checklist which is equally helpful in reframing these things . Good luck in sorting this out . And , also , I think it 's worth repeating what other people have said : there are other fish in the sea , so your choice isn 't just between K or S forever and ever . posted by colfax at 8 : 40 PM on March 25 , 2010 One more vote for " none of the above . " K is controlling and sucks in bed ; S is a disappointing man - child . Neither of them is the person you want to live the rest of your life with . Go ahead , join the Peace Corps or whatever , meet fun and fabulous and sexy guys , and hook up with the one ( or the many ) who makes your heart flutter and with whom you connect . The world is full of guys who don 't totally suck in bed and who aren 't controlling weirdos , and yet manage to have ambition and want nothing more than an awesome partner to share great experiences with . tl ; dr : There are lots of compromises you 'll make in life - - don 't make this be one of them . posted by Forktine at 8 : 55 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 4 favorites ] The truth is that I tend to believe the " none of the above " answers , but let me play devil 's advocate . First love soul mates are awesome , and they 're actually pretty rare . I wouldn 't trade that for my life now , but for years and years , I half - wished I 'd made it work with mine . So , give it your very best shot . The problem for me was that I was a total idiot , and it took me about ten years to get over that . It 's likely the same with you , no offense . So if you stick with K , recognize that there are probably three to four core parts of who you are and manifest in numerous ways , that you don 't know about yet and need to discover . So , if you stay with him , you need to figure out how to see them . - Go to therapy together . I know it 's expensive , but honestly , what else are you going to spend money on ? Beer ? Social justice ? ( kidding ) You 're young , and investing $ 45 apiece every week now ( or whatever ) will pay off for like 81 years . If you go when you 're 50 , you 'll miss out on the awesome 30s that you 're going to have after you figure all this stuff out . Find someone you really , really like , and tell them that you really like each other and just want to learn how to make this work . - As a precondition for getting back together , tell him you learned how much you love to have a full suite of friends , female and male , and to have a full social life . Explain in the most idealistic and joyful ways possible that this is something that 's important to you , and important to making the world a better place . Make this something that you guard and protect . You gave it up once , and then you learned that it 's what made you feel like yourself again . Having a circle of friends helps you remember who you are . Don 't lose that . ( Seriously . Protect it from him . ) - Talk about negative things together . Get into the muck of life a little bit . Not like , " and I 'm going to fix these things and one day be perfect ! " Like , " when I 'm honest with myself , I feel these really negative emotions , and I don 't know how to deal with this . " Your relationship sounds extremely idealistic , and a bright light casts a long shadow . I suspect that part of what was so good with S was that you were being REAL , not being perfect . I wonder if you can be your real , flawed self with K . I worry that your connection with him is about being perfect , which is a form of escapism . In fact , for me , that kind of connection has felt like being on drugs . If your relationship never goes beyond the intoxicating quest for perfection and escaping from problems or discomforts in each of your own relationships with yourselves and your families , and within your daily lives , it will always be vulnerable from people like S who , I 'm guessing , see and accept you more for who you really are now . I tend to believe that if you and he find a way to get more real with one another , and more emotionally honest and intimate , you will be able to develop intimacy and great sex on top of what you share now . Or that by insisting on having a full social life , not bending to his controlling instincts , it will self - destruct . If you go option C , that 's a great choice as well . posted by salvia at 9 : 03 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 3 favorites ] There are oodles of guys out there just aching to tag along with you to the library on Sundays and the Peace Corps in a couple of years . Here is how you will know you have met the right person : it will all feel easy . They 'll be fun to hang out with , the sex will be great , you 'll connect on many levels . They won 't be jealous or freak out and their lifestyle won 't leave you frustrated or disappointed . They won 't be perfect . But they 'll be just right for you . posted by Deathalicious at 9 : 24 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 3 favorites ] I 'll just pop in here to say that what you 're describing with K sounds a lot like the early stages of the relationship I eventually ended up leaving . You are an intelligent , free , delightfully young person . Go out and date until you find someone you can 't imagine being without . Sex should be great . You should never have to worry about the possibility that you may never be fulfilled , sexually . And you should never have to deal with the crap you got from K . posted by eleyna at 9 : 47 PM on March 25 , 2010 You deserve great soulful happy sex , don 't let anyone convince you otherwise ! Don 't waste any time on trying to make someone who safe and like a brother into a lover . There is probably a perfect girl out there for him who doesn 't need or want much sex and will happily lie there for his 2 min every Sunday in order to have kids . Also , I don 't think you can train someone to have good sex with you . People are either great to begin with , or need several partners to instruct them over a long period to be better . posted by meepmeow at 9 : 48 PM on March 25 , 2010 [ 1 favorite ] I suggest you work more on what 's blocking your decisionmaking circuit rather than focus on facts about situations . Do not make promises or sleep with either of them until this is figured out . posted by Ironmouth at 10 : 05 PM on March 25 , 2010 You can work on sexual comparability to a certain extent . And even couples with a great sex life should be open to talking about specific desires , interests , needs , etc . Partners should be willing to step out of their comfort zone to a certain extent if it 's something the other one wants to try / experience / explore . But there are limits . Some people are just wired differently . I 've been in two different relationships where I felt like the warmth and love component was great , but there were just obvious differences in the - - how shall I say it ? - - level of sexual desire . Trying some new things or talking openly would have helped a little , but just wouldn 't have gotten over the gut - level chemistry issues . As for your specific situation , my first thought was " Wow , you 're young . " And that 's not to dismiss you , it 's just to say that you should probably date other guys . Sounds like you 'll find plenty who fall somewhere between the emotional satisfaction with K . and the kink satisfaction with S . Seems like your happy medium would be somewhere out there in the future . And fwiw , the control issues with K . are definite blaring red warning signals . posted by bardic at 10 : 18 PM on March 25 , 2010 They are both losers ( for different reasons ) , and you have about 3 billion other options . Spend some time being single , and don 't compromise yourself with either one of these guys . posted by BobbyDigital at 7 : 14 AM on March 26 , 2010 [ 1 favorite ] You want " G " - Guy you have not met yet who will treat you with respect , trust you , " get " you , and who will fulfill you sexually . Good luck & enjoy your adventures ! posted by pointystick at 7 : 59 AM on March 26 , 2010 Definitely don 't get back together with K - if you thought his questions about past relationships were controlling before , just imagine how he 'll react now that you * have * had mind - blowing sex . The being - over - controlling is a temporary thing . Neither of these guys is your long - term partner or your soulmate . posted by questionsandanchors at 8 : 07 AM on March 26 , 2010 I would dump S . He sounds like a loser . Maybe keep his number in your phone if you need a booty call . From how you describe him , he will not mind being a booty call . K sounds like he is your perfect best friend ! You should see if you can be friends ! If you managed to not be intimate for 3 years living together in your early 20s , then you were pretty much friends more than a couple ( unless you have religous / spiritual / dietary / whatever restrictions on sex before marriage / pregnancy / getting a promise ring / whatever ) . With all the cool stuff you want to do in your life , I really think you would be better of being single for a while . Things like the Peace Corps can be hard to arrange to go into together . Also such experiences are the perfect places to broaden your social circle and mating pool . LEave you options open and take relationships as they come . Get rid of that mid - twenties inner sanctum nagging telling you to plan for marriage NOW ( I really really understand that feeling . . . it sucks , but ignore it . ) Live your life and everything will fall into place . Also , don 't kill yourself and keep seeing a therapist to help with those thoughts . All the stuff you talk about having done and wanting to do makes me jealous of your life . Don 't throw it away . posted by WeekendJen at 9 : 05 AM on March 26 , 2010 Nthing BobbyDigital , there are plenty of fish in the sea ! You are very young and there will be more men , and taking care of your heart is more important than worrying about how the person you break up with will feel . Their feelings are not your responsibility . Ask yourself , in the ideal circumstances what would you want ? Would you like to go volunteer ? make art ? maybe take a loan and go to grad school ? These are all options you have regardless of the men in your life . I have been single for quite a few years now and I have used this time to discover things about myself that I may not have found had I been in a relationship . My idea of the guy I wanted in my mid twenties is way different from the the guy I want in my early thirties . There is a mention in your post about being married in 5 yrs . , Trust me these deadlines we set for ourselves are all in our head . Life can work out way differently . This quote by Mark Twain sums up what I would like to say , Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn 't do than by the ones you did do . So throw off the bowlines . Sail away from the safe harbor . Catch the trade winds in your sails . Explore . Dream . Discover . Agreed ! What if you skipped over someone because they have different political views ? Or don 't make art ? Or never volunteered a day in their life ? Let me explain . I 'm engaged to be married to the man I love more than I will ever be able to express . It 's just easy to be with him - no nervousness , no jealousy , easy laughter , and easy silence . But it wasn 't always that way . Once , long ago . . . I was K , and he was you . My man , D , and I have known each other since high school . We dated for a year in high school , broke up , I left the school , and we didn 't see each other for years . When I came back to town five years later , I called him up . The moment I saw him , after all that time , I was passionately , madly in love all over again . I ended up moving in with D and his roommates , and you can guess what happened from there . We decided to become an official item - and spent the next two years making each other miserable . We had a great time with each other , most of the time , but we were around 20 years old , and really inexperienced in the love department . He had some problems , but I was the biggest raging jealous asshole girlfriend of all time ( OF ALL TIME ! ) . I did exactly what K did to you - I grilled him about exes and how hot they were and how much he loved them and how often they had sex and was it better than ours and am I the fattest girl you 've ever been with and I don 't think you REALLY love me and all sorts of straight - up crazy weirdo stuff . I never let him hang out with other girls , and only rarely with other guys - I figured they 'd go out and get drunk and he 'd meet someone hotter / better / whateverer than me and leave . Just like you , he was in bed by 11 on Saturday nights , unless he was up fighting with me . Our sex was good , sometimes , but I had mega self - esteem issues that prevented me from ever really getting into it . Instead of losing myself in what was probably great sex , I figured he was looking at my cellulite or thinking of someone else or who the hell knows . I was certifiably bat - shit fucking crazy . We managed to date for a couple years , but we 'd still end up having these fights or cryfests or grill sessions at least once a week , and they would end up in HUGE fights - like , " I HAVE A KNIFE I ' M GOING TO KILL MYSELF OR YOU " kind of fights . Looking back on it , knowing the kind of people we are , it just sounds unbelievable . We 're not like that ! We really never * were * those people - so how did it get like that ? Easy - we just didn 't know any better . We didn 't have much in the way of previous relationships to measure against . We certainly didn 't have any " prototypes " - those relationships that are close , but not quite there . If we had , we both would have been better at putting into words what we wanted and did not want . We might have been better at keeping our personal boundaries , and knowing how much space we needed . We didn 't have enough experience to know or even consider that the stuff I was doing was abusive . If that had occurred to me , I would have been horrified to realize what I was doing ( and to this day , I still am ) . So we broke up . I moved out of the house , he started seeing the " village bicycle , " I had a couple rebound relationships . More importantly , though , we had some space . We started planning our lives separately . We didn 't talk much for a while , but over time we 'd chat online for a few minutes every now and then . He learned some things about himself , about what he wanted out of life . Me too . I learned that I was pretty hot , and that I even felt that way when I wasn 't actively receiving male attention . I learned from one of those rebounds - more a booty call than a boyfriend - how easy it could be for two people 's needs to just intersect , instead of forming ourselves around some notion of what love is and how it JUST HAD to last forever and be perfect . I learned from the other rebound that I had some pretty specific needs , intellectually , and I started to think back fondly on the way me and D connected on . . . well , just about everything . I learned to communicate like a normal person - I had to ! When you start dating adults they expect you to act like one , too . After a while , D and I talked more and more . We even hung out a few times in a totally platonic setting . It hurt a bit , and probably wasn 't the greatest idea , but we even talked a little about our love lives . One night , we were hanging out with a couple friends and all of a sudden we started talking at the same time - about how we missed each other , about how good just hanging out felt , and , as the night wore on , about how much we wanted to have mad passionate monkey sex . With each other . And then we did just that . Now , I don 't advise a night of semi - drunken confessional sex as a building block for a successful relationship , but for us , there 's something there and there always has been . Twice , we found each other and we weren 't ready . The third time . . . we were . It 's been years now since all that happened , and I * still * cannot believe what awful , controlling , mean , jealous shits we were to each other sometimes . But it wasn 't because we were doomed - it was because we were inexperienced , and had some unrealistic ideas , and didn 't know that these things take work and self - love and whole lot of other stuff that just can 't be learned any other way but by going through it yourself . I 'm glad we tried again that last time - I wonder what my life would be like if I missed out on this amazing man , this person who is going to be my husband and is already my best friend , the Luigi to my Mario , the person I look up to and across the table at and who I see every single morning when I wake up . I feel like someone could pick us up and separate us , plop us down in separate quadrants of the universe , and we would find each other . Always . Every time . What does this have to do with you and K ? Not much , really , except that maybe you don 't need to go right back to him and maybe you don 't need to write him off forever . Maybe you both need a little more experience before you can say , " that was it ! I had it ! " Maybe you 'll find that that he was a prototype - and that 's okay too . Really ? How do you know this ? The evidence seems to point to the contrary . I would be terrified of having a child with a man who isolated and manipulated me in the way you describe . Really , I 'm curious - what qualities about K make you think he 'd be a " wonderful father " ? Note : bird - watching , kite - flying , library - going does not automatically disqualify Dad from horrifically damaging the child 's well being in other ways . The anecdote about K becoming jealous when you met someone who reminded you of your little brother really thew me off . How would he handle it if you had a child who was as important ( to you ) as him ? Is he going to be jealous of that child , for " stealing " your undivided attention ? posted by pants at 5 : 08 AM on March 27 , 2010 People almost never really change that much . It 's far more likely that K is just pretending to be different to get you back , and then he 'll go back to being an emotionally abusive jerk . Absolutely give K another go . If in 6 months things aren 't good , what didya lose ? You 're so freakin ' young as it is .

Just time for a very quick check - in here . . . the baby is starting to make her little , squeaky , elephant noises so I know I have about 30 seconds . I had my post - baby doctors appointment last Wednesday . I thought they were just going to have a look at my incision , ask me how I was feeling , and send me on my way . No . Not so lucky . It was a stirrups kind of a day . Yuck . But , worse than that . . . they also made me get up on the scale . On my last visit before Nicole was born I was 150 . I was 118 before I got pregnant . I was hoping to at least be in the 120 's somewhere but , no . No such luck . 132 . So , that means I have 14 pounds of pure fat to loose . I asked my doctor how long it normally takes to make it back down to your pre - preggo weight and she , of course , said it totally depends . She asked if I was nursing ( yes ) and said that usually helps women to loose it fast . She , for example , was 10 pounds LESS than her pre - preggo weight at her 6 weeks post visit . UGH . I don 't think I like her very much anymore { Just Kidding } . So , anyway , that means I have 14 pounds to go . Seven pounds from each thigh . . . clearly . . . as I have so many pairs of pants that I can 't even get passed my thighs , let alone do up ! So , after that sad visit I 've upped the work - outs . No longer satisfying myself with a nice , quick , stroll . I got out the Jari Love , y ' all . Now , this used to be one of my easier work - out tapes back in the day ( the day when I could pull up my pants ) and I was rather congratulating myself on actually getting through it on my first attempt . The next day . . . I could barely climb the stairs . My arms hurt , my tummy hurt , and when I crossed my legs just the weight of my one leg on top of my other thigh muscle killed . I had to give myself a couple of days off to recoup . But , I got back up on that horse . . . or exercise mat . . . today and I did it again . The plan for this week is 3 days more of me and Jari . Also , I 'm going to re - weigh myself when I take the baby back to the doctor 's for the second half of her vaccines . I haven 't had any junk or any cokePosted by Little Nicole Lily is 8 weeks old now . Time for her monthly " car - seat shot " ! { Colie at 2 months , 11 lbs . 4 oz . , 22 inches } { Colie at 1 month , 10 lbs . 15 oz . , 21 inches } { Colie at 3 days , 6 lbs . , 9 oz . , 21 inches } It 's amazing to see how quickly her face is changing . I look at photos of her on the day she was born and I wonder when she lost that " brand new baby " look . The puffy eyes and the little tiny round face . They change so fast . They grow up so fast . She is 8 weeks old and , already , I 'm getting nostalgic . Other changes . . . Well , she has gotten even more nicknames . I 'm finding myself calling her " Colie " more now . I just love the name " Lily " so much , but everyone else is calling her " Nicole " or versions there of . . . so I guess I 'm following along . She suits it , though . Her hair is changing a bit , too . Other than the fact that she is losing some of it . . . it is also starting to look more red . We 've had a couple of people comment on her red hair ( although , it looks more red in the sunlight than when she is inside ) . I 'm , of course , loving this because I was a little red - headed baby . Dave calls her " Little Red " ( another of her nicknames ! ) . She is starting to almost sleep through the night now , too . That is a wonderful change for sure ! We 've had nights when her last feeding was at 1 am and then she has slept all the way to 6 am . Fantastic ! She is staying awake longer through the day , too , which is probably helping that whole sleeping - at - night part along . We are also finding that she is a bit more willing to be by herself for little bits here and there , now . She 'll sit in her Papasan swing for awhile . . . as long as we put the " Nature " music channel on for her . She likes to listen to the classical music with the sounds of rain , and birds chirping in the background . Not for too long though . She is still one very cuddly baby and she would prefer to be in her Mommy or Daddy 's arms 24 - 7 . She won 't go to sleep anywhere but on her Daddy 's chest at night . That is her absolute favourite spot . She is actually starting to complain now whenMommy Project It 's Tofu Tuesday time and while my recipe this week does not contain any tofu - it is meatless and that 's the whole idea , anyway , right ? So here it is - delicious Sweet Potato Badi . * Here 's Your Shopping List : 1 / 2 cup dried , unsweetened coconut1 / 4 cup canola oil1 / 2 cup raw red lentils1 tsp ground cumin1 med . yellow , white , or new potato , peeled and cut into 1 / 2 - inch cubes1 large sweet potato , peeled and cut into 3 / 4 - inch cubes2 small zucchini , cut into 1 / 4 - inch - thick rounds2 plum tomatoes , cut into 1 / 2 - inch cubes1 / 2 cup frozen baby peas1 / 2 cup plain yogurt1 - 2 small , skinny chile peppers , minced1 teaspoon kosher salt4 pita breads , split , toasted , and buttered , Basmati Rice or Jasmine RiceDirections : In a small , dry skillet , toast the coconut over med . heat , shaking the skillet often , until uniformly light brown , about 5 minutes . Transfer the coconut to a small bowl and set aside . In the same skillet { ? ? ? Don 't use the same skillet if you were using a small one ! You will need a large skillet to hold all your ingredients for this next part ! } , heat the oil over medium heat . Add the lentils and saute for 5 to 10 minutes , stirring , until they begin to brown . Stir in the cumin . Add the potato , sweet potato , and 1 and 1 / 2 cups water and bring to a boil . Reduce the heat to a simmer , cover , and simmer , stirring occasionally , for 15 minutes . Add the zucchini , tomatoes , and peas , and cook until the vegetables are fork - tender and the liquid is almost gone , about 10 minutes more . If the liquid evaporates too quickly , add a little more water . Remove from the heat Measure out 2 tablespoons of the toasted coconut and set aside . In a large bowl , combine the remaining coconut , yogurt , chiles , and salt , and whisk until smooth . Fold the yogurt mixture gently into the vegetables . Cover the skillet and let stand for a few minutes until warmed through . Transfer the badi to a serving bowl and sprinkle the remaining 2 tablespoons coconut on top . Serve immediately with the pita bread or rice . Note : This dish can be prepared ahead through stePosted by I found something horrifying . It was downstairs on the bookshelf , just above all my cookbooks . It was a fitness journal I purchased a couple of years ago . My goal at that time was not to loose any weight , but to put on some muscle ( and , hopefully , gain a little energy ) . I took the book down to look at it and much to my chagrin I noticed that I recorded all my measurements in it at the time . So , these are pre - baby measurements . I brought the book upstairs and found my measuring tape . Why did I do that ? Ladies - it is not pretty . Not pretty at all . To put it in a nutshell I basically have an extra 5 to 6 inches on all my parts ( waist , hips , and thighs ) . Yes , my chest is bigger , too ( nursing ) but who is gonna ' complain about that , right ? What I don 't understand is how I could have gained as much girth on * one * thigh as I did on my whole waist ! It 's really , really , awful . I can even tell you that I almost fell into a pit of despair rather , shockingly , fast . I decided that I can never eat again , and I can never leave the house . I have no clothes that fit , except for my old scrubs , and I am not about to spend a small fortune on new clothes that - Gawd as my witness . . . will NOT fit me soon ! ! ! ! ! But , I 'm going to try and not walk past any more full length mirrors for awhile and just keep focused . I 've given up all pop ( I was drinking 2 or 3 cans of the stuff a day ) and I am no longer snacking at night ( I was eating ice cream before bed every night . . . hey , the calcium is good for me . . . I told myself ) . I am drinking more water than ever ( which isn 't saying much . . . I had two bottles the other day and that was more than I had drank in about the last 2 weeks ) . Btw , I live on a well . . . so I kind of have to use bottled water . I do recycle all the bottles , though . There seems to be a big anti - bottled water movement going on right now but I 'm not sure what else I can drink . Also , remember I promised to walk three times last week ? Well , I did . And they were pretty hard / fast walks , too . I bought myself a pretty new , pink , pedometer and mePosted by Talk about great timing . I just decided to start eating more vegetarian food again . As some of you already know ( and are sick of hearing ) I was a vegetarian for many years before I had my first daughter . While I was pregnant with her I started eating chicken again because I was a very unhealthy vegetarian , and I thought I really needed to eat something other than meat - free junk food . I 've been eating chicken ever since ( that 's 6 years now ) , but I never did start eating cows or pigs again ( I just can 't eat them - they are too cute . Isn 't that the worst reason ever ? ) . So , I just started blogging about my " Meatless Meals " and I went hopping around the web looking for other veggie - friendly - idea - filled sites . That 's when I found Kelli at Gohn Crazy and Kaci at Ellyphant , the hosts of Tofu Tuesday . Cool ! Glad to meat ya ' ladies . ha ha ha . ( No , I haven 't been into the green beer ) . So , I 'm happy to present to you my first dish for Tofu Tuesday - Veggie Sloppy Joe 's . * Shopping List : 1 tbsp canola oil1 lrg . onion , chopped1 green bell pepper , chopped1 red bell pepper , chopped3 garlic cloves , minced2 tbsp chili powder2 8 - oz . packages of Tempeh1 28 - oz . can diced tomatoes , with their juice1 / 4 cup ketchup1 tsp veggie Worcestershire sauce1 / 4 cup chopped fresh cilantro leaves and stemsHot sauce to tastesalt and pepper6 toasted bulky rollsDirections : In a large skillet , heat the canola oil over med . heat . Add the onion and saute , stirring occasionally , until soft , about 7 minutes . Add the bell peppers , garlic , and chili powder , and cook for 2 minutes more . Crumble the tempeh into the pan ( it will crumble more as it cooks , with the help of a wooden spoon ) . Add the tomatoes , ketchup , and Worcestershire sauce , and 1 cup water and mix well . Simmer , stirring occasionally , until heated through and the flavours are well blended , about 10 minutes . Remove from the heat . Stir in the cilantro and hot sauce . Season with salt and pepper . Serve over toasted bulky rolls . Note : The sloppy joe mixture can be made up to 3 days ahead and stored in an aPosted by It was a beautiful weekend around here . We can definitely feel Spring in the air . And , I 'm happy to report that I took full advantage of it in order to further the whole " Whip Mommy Back into Shape " cause . Lily - Pie and I went out for a nice big walk on Saturday and an even bigger one on Sunday . I even hit the trail on Sunday where the recently melted snow made for some very mucky conditions and some quite difficult terrain for pushing a buggy . I kind of thought part - way through that it may have been a mistake going that way - - but I made it and I felt great again after . So , so far so good . It looks like we will be enjoying the nice weather for awhile more so I 'm hoping to get out there again maybe tomorrow . I even bought a new pedometer today which can track my steps and my distance ( Jamie took my other one - I guess she has her own little fitness goals ) . My plan for this week is at least 3 workouts . I 'll report back next Monday to see how I did . If you are becoming a Fit Mommy , too , please leave me a comment so I can go check out your Fit Mommy Journey . ; - ) I can 't wait to fit into all my old pants again ! ! p . s . I don 't really run . That 's just me being a goofball for the camera . Posted by I did a lot of reading about cloth diapers before Lily - Pie was born . I really like the idea of cloth for many reasons - I think that it has got to be better for her skin , I know it is better for the environment , and we are also down to a one garbage bag limit in our town now . I think we could almost fill up one bag per week with just disposable diapers ! Not to mention , they are pretty darn cute . You can get them in so many adorable colors and patterns these days . But the choices are mind - boggling ! ! You 've got the traditional cloth with covers ( and then many sub - categories of the type of cloth diaper that goes under the covers ) , you 've got pocket - diapers ( a diaper with an opening inside that you stuff with an absorbent cloth panel ) , and you 've got all - in - ones ( diapers that are just like disposables , only you don 't dispose of them - you wash them ) . I had a lot of trouble figuring out what would be best for us , so I went to many web - sites and looked at several forums , and I spoke to girlfriends who had used them . It seems to be that the diaper / cover combo is the most leak - proof , but it would also be the most bulky . And , the all - in - ones would be the most convenient , but they would also be the hardest to wash / dry ( since they are " all - in - one " , they take much longer to dry for one thing ) . So , in the end , I decided to go with pockets . Even with that decision made , you aren 't set yet because there are many different brands of pocket diapers . You can get Bum Genius , Happy Heiny 's , Baby Kanga 's , and Fuzzy Buns ( amongst others , I 'm sure ) . So , what 's a mommy to do ? I decided to try each of them . I ordered a couple from an on - line source and I got the rest from a cool baby store ( in which I could have easily spent a million dollars , I think ) . They are not cheap , I 'll tell you - and the initial layout is a bit of a shocker , but if you compare it to what you would end up spending on disposables over the long haul - they do end up being a better bargain . Not to mention the good it does for the environment not to have all those dispPosted by Oh I wish I could figure out how to actually post this video . It is the most amazing thing I 've ever seen in my life . My hubby is making fun of me because I am sitting here in tears watching it . Dogs are just wonderful , wonderful , wonderful animals I tell you . This is just further proof of that . It 's time for Thankful Thursday . I started to list what I was grateful for on Thursdays because of a little newsletter I received by e - mail one day that explained to me . . . According to research in Thanks ! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier , regularly writing down what you 're grateful for can increase your level of happiness by about 25 percent . ( So can a chocolate martini , but we couldn 't find that in the self - help aisle . ) So , if you 'd like to get happier , too . . . please feel free to make a little list of your own and let me know about it by signing Mr . Linky below so I can go check it out ! Here 's mine : 1 ) Health : I am grateful that the horrible tummy virus ( I believe it is norovirus ) that is going around these here parts has passed me by ( knock wood ) . My little Jamie James may have gotten it because she came into our bed one night a week or so ago and proceeded to vomit all over our duvet . It is so horrible to watch your kid get sick , isn 't it ? Such a feeling of helplessness coupled with panic and anticipation as you watch to see if this " thing " is going to get better or worse . Luckily , she quickly got better and when Dave got it next it was relatively mild . I know the Fairy Blogmother has been hit by it at her house and I hope they are all feeling back to normal soon . 2 ) My Baby Can Still Eat with a Cold : This has always been a big fear of mine - my baby getting a cold while she is nursing . I worry that when she is so stuffed up she won 't be able to eat . I mean , how could she ? But , luckily , despite the fact that she is all stuffed up it seems that , somehow , every time she goes to eat her sinus passages magically open up . She starts eating and within seconds the little wheezing , I 'm trying to suck some air in , sound is gone and she is fine . I think this may be why she has gone back to eating every 2 hours ( at the most ) all day and all night ( zzzzzz ) - just so she can breathe and feel better / comforted . But , I won 't complain ( except to maybe mention that I am so tired ) because I am just very grateful Posted by Okay , this is so weird I just have to tell you about it quickly . . . I was just surfing around the blog - o - sphere looking for some cool veggie - cooking type blogs . There 's one I came across the other day called VeggieWife . I went there to see what was new and see if there were any other links I could jump off to . From there I went to Veggie Girl Vegan . When I was there I found a link to Dog Hill Kitchen that I checked out . When I was at Dog Hill I saw a link to Jen 's site at A2EatWrite . I thought , HEY ! , I know her . . . from my pal Shan 's What 's Cooking Wednesdays . So , Shan baby , in 6 bloggy steps ( if you start with my blog ) I went around the world and I came right back to you ! ! Is that weird , or what ? ? This weekend Davey and I went shopping for a new barbecue . We have been without a grill for over a year now and that is too bad because Dave used to barbecue all the time . It 's one of the simple joys in a man 's life , I think . A man , his barbecue , and a dog to play fetch with while sipping on some cold beer - any time of the year . Throw in a lightning storm and they are all set . We didn 't get one because we are still trying to choose between the " nice " model and the " fancy - smancy " model . The " fancy - smancy " one has a built - in rotisserie . Ohhhh . That would make some nice chicken . Can we stick a block of tofu on there ? I think the " fancy - smancy " model may interfere with my quest to become a healthy vegetarian . Anyway , here is the Meatless Meal that I 've got for ya ' for this week : Middle Eastern Tofu - Stuffed Peppers . This was very good so I 'll post the recipe . . . Shopping List : 2 tsp . canola oil2 lrg garlic cloves , minced1 1 / 2 cups onions , dicedpinch of cayenne1 / 2 teaspoon ground cinnamon1 2 / 4 cups carrots , peeled and diceddash of salt1 c diced tomatoes1 1 / 2 cups tofu ( frozen , thawed , crumbled ) 3 tbs soy sauce1 tbs dill , chopped ( optional . yuk ! ) 1 tbs lemon juice1 / 2 c couscous1 / 4 c hot water3 tbs raisins4 lrg bell peppers2 c tomato juiceDirections : Warm the oil in a med . saucepan , add the garlic , onions , cayenne , and cinnamon , and saute for 3 minutes . Add the carrots , sprinkle with salt , cover , and cook for 3 minutes . Add the tomatoes and cook for 2 minutes , until the carrots are just tender . Stir in the tofu , soy sauce , dill ( i left this out ) , lemon juice , couscous , and water and cook on low to medium heat for 2 minutes , stirring often . Cover tightly , remove from the heat , and set aside . After about 5 minutes , add the raisins and adjust the seasonings if necessary . Preheat the oven to 375 . Cut the peppers in half lengthwise . Remove the seeds but leave the stem ends on so that the peppers will hold their shape during baking . Fill each pepper half with about 1 / 2 cup of filling and place it in a nonreactive baking dish . Pour tMommy Project Yesterday I passed the big 6 week mark : 6 weeks post Lily - Pie 's birth . This means that I can now start exercising again after months and months of total sloth . As soon as I found out I was at high risk for preterm labour ( I think that was at about 6 months ) all exercising came to a halt . The only thing that mattered was trying to get baby - one to " 38 weeks " where it would be safe to bring her out into the world . Well , gratefully , we made it safely to that goal but with the c - section I was instructed that there should be no exercising for 6 weeks after , either . Not even " hoovering " the floors as one , funny , British nurse put it . But , here we are ! Six weeks past her birth and , as luck would have it , it was the most beautiful day we have seen around here in months . We reached a high of about 15 degrees Celsius and we even saw a bit of the sun . I promised myself that on that day , the six - week mark , I would get out there and go for a nice , long , fast - paced walk . I signed my pal , Shan ( aka The Fairy Blogmother ) up to be my walking companion . Unfortunately , her little My - Pie , got " the burps " so Shan had to bow out of our expedition . This would , normally , be the point where I may let myself off the hook and pass on the hike . . . but it was such a gorgeous day and , I tell you , I was eager to move it ! I knew I had to start off easy since I 've been so sedentary for so long ( the longest stretch of not having any form of exercise I 've even had in my life ) , so I just put baby in her stroller and we headed off for our walk around town . I went as quickly as I could without getting terribly out of breath and I hit a few little hills and dips as well . It was fantastic ! I swear , I think I could feel my blood moving around my body again ! I even met another one of my neighbours on my walk . A lady ( who seemed really , really , nice ) who just had a little baby girl of her own a couple of months ago . Yay ! I 've found a new friend for Lily - Pie already ! So , this will be a regular thing from now on . Dave has teased me throughout the pregnancy withPosted by Well , I think it 's time to get back on track with " Thankful Thursday " ! After all . . . regularly noting the things that you are grateful for can increase your overall happiness by 25 % . I have no idea how " they " came up with that figure , but it makes sense to me . So , here are some things that I am Thankful for on this Thursday ! 1 ) High Speed Internet Access ! ! Yay ! ! It seemed like it would never be available to this area ( which , in fact , is not so very far out of the way at all - but , still , getting high speed out here just seemed like an impossible task for so long for some reason ) . When we told the young man working at the store that we were on dial - up and that cost about $ 20 per month he said , in complete seriousness . . . " They charge you for that ? " . So funny . So sad . Dial - up should really be free because it is so horrible to deal with . I am so glad for the high - speed . I can surf around like crazy now and downloading scrapbook papers , etc . , no longer takes two days . It 's fantastic . 2 ) My New Laptop Computer . It is so nice being able to speed around the internet from anywhere in the house ! I don 't have to go downstairs to the cold , drafty , office anymore . It is really nice down there when we have a fire going , but otherwise it is really just kind of . . . a basement . Now I can be upstairs , on the couch , in bed . . . wherever . Incredible . I feel like we 've really caught up with the times . . . finally . That same man that sold us our high - speed access sold us our laptop . When we left the store he smiled and said , " Welcome to the modern ages " . Thank - you . Thank - you very much . 3 ) My Bamboo Graphic Tablet . Okay , now this is just getting silly ! How lucky can one computer - addicted gal get ? Davey bought me this little toy as a surprise present . It is the greatest thing . If you haven 't seen one , it is like a little pen that " writes " on it 's own little tablet . You can use it instead of a mouse to ( much more easily ) zoom around your computer pages . . . but more than this you can also use it to write , to draw , to color . . . etc . This makes it absolutely faPosted by Maddie has been asked over to her friends ' houses before , and we 've had her friends over here . But , generally , these visits are arranged between the friend 's parents and us . What with Maddie being just a little kiddo and all . But , this weekend , there was a message on our phone that was left by one of Maddie 's friends . The voice sounded so young : " Maddie ? When you get home , can you play ? Maddie ? It 's J . Bye - ie " . Well , an actual message left just for her by one of her friends ? ! This put both Maddie and Jamie into almost hysterical joy . I had to play the message over and over for both of them to hear while they giggled away . So , I guess it was time to let Maddie make a phone call of her own . We coached her a little on what to say - made sure that she would ask to speak to her friend , politely , when her friend 's parent answered - and we had her invite her pal over . I 've never seen anyone so excited just to use the phone . It really is quite amazing to watch kids as they cross these little milestones and see the kind of joy they find in the simplest things in life . It reminds me of when these routine , everyday , kind of things were all new and fresh and exciting to me . Something I 've usually completely forgotten until I see it in my girls . And , she did a great job with her call . She spoke very clearly and politely . I was quite proud , actually . Enough to go grab the camera ( embarassing her , as usual ) . I guess she isn 't so little anymore . Next she 'll be asking for the keys to the truck . Posted by As some of you will already know - I 've tried being vegetarian before . There was a span of several years , actually , when I didn 't eat any meat . What I did eat was 7 - layer burritos from Taco Bell and potato chips . That was okay ( well , no it really wasn 't ) when I was a single gal with no kiddies . But , when the family came along I needed to provide meals that were slightly more nutritious than that . But , I still really don 't like eating meat . My problem is I don 't think eating tofu 7 days a week is much healthier than eating burritos and chips and I 've never been a big fan of beans . So , what I 'm going to try this time is to just make at least one good veggie meal a week and , then , once I have a fair number of them I 'll be able to give it another shot - but be healthier about it this time . So , this is " Meatless Monday " and my recipe for the week is " Eggplant Lasagna with Garlic Bechamel " . This recipe was taken from the book " Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone " . I don 't really have time to type out all the instructions right now ( baby - one just isn 't likely to give me that much time on the computer ) , but if you want them let me know and I 'll try to get them up here . Basically you roast your eggplant and layer it between layers of instant lasagna noodles , cheese , and your garlic bechamel . To make the sauce you heat 2 1 / 2 cups of milk on the stove with 3 smashed garlic cloves . In another pot you melt 4 tbsp . of butter and mix in 1 / 4 cup flour . Then you combine the two ( straining out the garlic cloves ) and add 1 / 2 a cup of cream and salt and pepper to taste . The lasagna is cooked in a 8x10 inch baking dish at 400 degrees ( or 350 - 375 on my wacky oven ) for 25 - 30 minutes . I should mention that I tried to make this dish three times . The first time I just didn 't get around to doing it before the eggplant got mushy ( that happens fast ! ) . The second time I burnt the eggplant instead of roasting it ( remember . . . I have a wacky oven ) . But , the third time everything turned out great . The lasagna was delicious . Even Dave ( Meat - Eater - Man ) sMommy Project My friend , Shan , over at Tales from the Fairyblogmother started up a cool little monthly feature called " Knowing Me , Knowing You " . It 's a quick little interview project that you can respond to yourself , and then link back to her so we can all see your answers . Here 's mine . . . # 1 What is your dream life ? Well , I think in my dream life I may have been able to sing really well and I would probably be a rock star . I would also be drop dead gorgeous and , oh , let 's say I can dance too . Yep . The triple threat . But , let 's say I 've just won the lottery and I can 't make miracles happen . . . then I think I 'd like to move onto a farm , too . I would still have to have farm - hands around to be responsible for all the work but I 'd get to play with all the animals and even take care of them when I happened to be up early enough in the morning to do so . I would love to have cows and goats and pigs and chickens . I just love seeing chickens walking around . But , of course , we wouldn 't be eating any of them . . . they 'd just be pets . And , I would need a second home , or two , to run off to once the temperature around here drops below 25 . There is no question as to whether or not I 'd quit my job . Are you kidding me ? But , I would take lots of classes and study lots of interesting things . I would have huge " crafting " spaces in my home where I could do scrap booking , and photography , and beading , and all kids of things . I think I would also study vegetarian cooking and open a restaurant with my hubby ( but he 'd want to cook meat so that may not work out . I 'd get grossed out watching him chop stuff up ) . I 'd be really busy ! # 2 Do you play games online ? No . I 'm not much of a gamer . I can 't find enough free time to get all my other projects done . # 3 Seen anything good lately ? Well , we took the kids to see Madagascar II awhile ago and that was pretty cute . I can 't remember the last movie Davey and I went out to see together . Is that sad ? I think we need a date night . I just saw " Swingers " on t . v . the other night and that was very good ( I just love that movie ) Posted by I 'm a mom to 3 great little girls , a wife , a runner , a veterinary technician ( animal nurse ) , and a photographer . I love my iPhone . I 'm a horrible blogger . I think Pink Newtons are the best thing since sliced bread . I am sensitive to gluten . I have really big teeth . I miss coffee . View my complete profile

Posted on May 5 , 2017May 5 , 2017 by bipolarfanatic My new gig is PT … 24 hours … 3 days a week . I used to work full time , probably more than full time . Its day 3 . I 'm done with my first week . I have friends who are my new bosses that support me . They set me up with a work area not heavily monitored by the cameras . At least they are not in my face and infiltrating my mind . What a blessing . I feel quiet and distant . I guess just feeling out my role . I carved out this new position and expectation is high . Perhaps assumptions are high . Though I come to this agency with a lot of knowledge , Its still a new position . Which I think I can fulfill , eventually . Perfectionism casts a wide spell and I am certainly a sucker . I want to impress . I want to succeed . I want to be all things to all people . NOW . But , that gets me into trouble . EVERY ! TIME ! So , I am trying really hard to take it slow . Ask foolish questions . Relax . Enjoy the ride . That 's not easy for me . I 'm a need to know person . Need to know where I fit in . Need to know my role . Need to know ahead of time what is expected of me . Those things are not a given at a new job . I brought my calendar into my supervisor 's office and tried to secure dates and times of things . . anything . I don 't think she is holding out on me . Rather I think she doesn 't know quite what to do with me . How to train me . Guide me . We are getting to know each other in the process . Which is fun . I see old habits already forming . Not leaving my desk for lunch . Not going on breaks . Not taking walks . I am aware . I will address this with myself . I will ! Posted on July 26 , 2016 by bipolarfanatic I kid myself . I set myself up with an art project and put on a favorite record . What could be more soothing , right ? Connection . Connection with another human being . My curtains are drawn . Doors locked tight . I 'm alone . And lonely . Isolation is dangerous . I can keep writing . I can wipe away the tears . I can take the razor blade to my wrist and numb out for awhile . But the fact remains my world is too small . I went back to work yesterday after 2 weeks of outpatient treatment . I felt a flood of panic and overwhelm . I fought back tears in the restroom . At lunch I called my husband and the tears ran loose . I fear I can 't do this job anymore . I fear I have known that for some time and just keep pushing myself to the brink . What would it mean if I can 't work ? I 'm weak ? I 'm pathetic ? I texted a friend who is distant but have some issues like me . He suggested I talk to a friend about it . While that 's what I thought I was doing by reaching out to him , it was yet a reminder I have no friends . My world is too small . I 'm entertaining changing jobs . It 's still in social services , which is all I know . But this would be part time . A good friend of mine left my agency and she is recruiting me . Truth is I already work with this agency as they are a vendor . So , there is some comfort in already knowing people . Plus my friend knows of my mental health issues . Trust in myself is a big concern right now . I don 't trust I know how to make a decision . I don 't trust it 's not just the depression talking when I think I no longer can handle my current job . But , history speaks and I go out on leave about every 5 months and the trigger is often work stress . The trouble is I think it 's my own fault . I get in my own way . I care too much about my job performance . I have too high of expectations for myself . I don 't allow myself mental health days . It 's almost as if I push harder to prove I 'm still good enough despite a mental illness . Funny thing though , almost no one at work knows of my diagnosis . So , who am I proving it to ? The constant chaos and chatter in my mind is overwhelming . I can 't collect my thoughts . There is " safety " in my job now in that I have been there for 16 yrs and have quite a bit of seniority . They have worked w me over the last 3 years since my bipolar diagnosis . My longest leave of absence was 3 months . It can 't be easy for an employer . But more often I feel like I 'm hanging on by a thread . Would this feeling exist even if I didn 't have a job ? Are the symptoms solely because of bipolar or exacerbated by work stress ? How do I find the answer ? Uncertainty then fuels my anxiety . What an uncomfortable existence . Sometimes I think I want to run away . Pack a bag and drive . Sometimes I think I want to jump off a cliff into the ocean never to be found . Yet here I am trudging through the mud trying to figure out what 's best for me . If I do a face plant , my husband will help me up . He is my world . Something else I got to work on . One step at a time with his hand in mine we are going to figure this out . He promises . If I can 't trust myself , maybe I can put my trust in him . Posted in Bipolar disorder , Schizoaffective disorder Tagged bipolar disorder , change , confusion , expectations , fear , mood disorders , uncertainty , work 2 Comments Posted on January 4 , 2016January 4 , 2016 by bipolarfanatic My short term memory is beyond horrible . I think this is due to both bipolar disorder itself and to medication . Either way it 's a blessing and a curse . I found this quote this morning , approximately 5 . 5 hours ago , I cannot remember where I got it from . I also did not write down the name of the person to give credit to , not out of disrespect , but maybe forgetfulness . I 'm not sure really . In any case , its basic and to the point , which makes it even more poignant . " Accept what is . Let go of what was . Have faith in what will be . " I read it before I went to work this morning . I also read Angel cards . I used to do this everyday when I was living in a recovery house for 30 days . I 'm an alcoholic if you didn 't already know . The two cards I pulled were Power and Body Care . This was a lot of food for thought on a Monday . As I was driving my whopping 13 minute commute , I could feel tears falling down my cheek . I was trying to pinpoint exactly why this was happening . I had a good night 's sleep . I had a good weekend . My house was still a mess , but when isn 't it . Really no reason for the waterworks . I decided to dig a little deeper . What was I daydreaming about ? What was I worried about ? I am only facing a 4 hour workday . That doesn 't feel very powerful . I 'm going to ask my pdoc to change my work status for full time in 2 weeks . I can do more . I can be more . That feels powerful . I seem to always define myself by my job . If I 'm back working full time that means I am well / recovered / better / not ill . I can almost hear my doc 's response . Let 's make sure you are all those things first , THEN insert more hours . I see her point . But , I think my point is valid too . I feel more productive , more useful , more important when I check in somewhere for 8 hours and have tasks to be done . Its when I have hours of idle time I begin to feel depressed , useless , powerless . I am not so good at implementing my own structure . I am not so good at giving myself permission to take my sweet time getting back to " normal . " Truth is , I don 't really want to . My husband does the books at our house . He is an awesome money manager . He insists if it takes the entire month of January for me to recover , and that means only working part time , he will find a way to make it work . In essence , I can work from 8 - 12 and eat bon bons til he gets home and its okay . Well , that may be extreme . The only real expectation would be to get myself to and from work , and of course pay my personal bills . Why can 't I just accept that offer ? It really allows me to ensure success on all fronts . My perfectionism pounces on that line of thinking . I can 't be doing a good job at only half time . I am needed in the late afternoons ( umm … typically , not really ) . Here is an opportunity to let go of what was with grace . I am not the same worker I used to be . I can 't remember things , my focus , concentration and processing skills are much slower . They just are . I 'm still somewhat quick witted in the humor department . But , if you are going to tell me something and I need to remember it , I must write it down on a piece of paper . I literally will lose information between my supervisor 's office and mine . . all of 10 feet . So , by wanting to rewrite my doctor 's plan am I " having faith in what will be ? " This is always the hard part for me . . walking in faith . I don 't think I 'm a control freak . I can admit I do have anxiety over what 's going to happen next . For example , sometimes during a weekend or vacation , first thing in the morning I will ask my husband to break down the day for me . I THINK I do this in an effort to see what he has in mind , maybe something I didn 't know about , and to calculate the hours . That sounds so crazy . Let 's see , I like to know how the plans in my head jive with the plans in his head . This way I know how much of a window I have to workout , play on the computer , shower . . etc . I hope that makes a little sense . This doesn 't mean I can 't go with the flow . My preference is to know where I stand in terms of planning the day . Hmmmm … walking in faith feels much bigger than a day . I can get all wrapped up in this stuff . Its like stringy confetti and I just get entangled . Probably when I don 't need to . Maybe I can relate this in terms of friendships . I tend to stay disconnected and long for connection . I thought about sending an email to a girlfriend I have letting her know I plan to try harder to keep a connection going . But , then I worried about hurt & rejection . Maybe its better to play it safe and just wait for her to call me . Now , wouldn 't walking in faith be just putting my intention out there by calling more often and planning get togethers more often . Doing the actual work and seeing what the outcome is . The caveat being having no expectations of that outcome . Oh boy , another doozy . Quite the rambler I seem to be today . If you are still with me , and you understand any of it , bless you . I could just try to stay in today and see how that goes . I think I need to keep things simpler . I try to take a look at myself and then just feel bombarded . I can 't separate things out on my own , at least not yet . I can get myself worked up even in the best of intentions . For now , I am just going to breathe and just be . Posted on December 18 , 2015 by bipolarfanatic Why are relationships so hard ? I feel so very confused much of the time . What is my place ? Where do I fit in the scheme of the relationship ? Do I really matter ? Do I have too many expectations ? What is my role in the madness ? How long do I stay ? Am I just being a coward ? Am I actually standing up for myself . Should I let more things go ? I am not a person who has a large social network . Rather , it is quite non - existent . The circle has always been small by design , but now It 's hardly a circle . I feel safer and less confused this way . But oh so terribly lonely as well . My husband is great . He 's my best friend . But there are times I need someone else to talk to , spend time with . I joined a kickboxing class as a social activity . I suppose it can be labeled as such because there are several people involved , none of which I actually talk to . I may smile in acknowledgement , here we are again . No lasting relationships will come out of my participating . I am torching some calories , so that is a plus . Also , its an hour I actually find I am out of my head . Jumping around to techno music for an hour , trying to follow moves and hear the instructor over the blaring volume is humorous . I 'm no slouch , I give it my all . I came to play . Two relationships in my life are precarious right now . I don 't know if that 's my fault or anyone 's fault . Maybe it just is . But , once again I do not understand why . One fellow was a part of my Depression in Sobriety meeting and probably the first person I totally and completely opened up to after my diagnosis of bipolar disorder . I dropped heavy bombs of emotion , suicidal plans , paranoia , psychosis , hospitalizations in a rather short time . He took it . He held it . He held me . I could say anything to him and he would not flinch . He would be there with me and remind me to breath . There were other times I would sit at his house for hours crying not able to say a word . Not one word . I was so distraught and bowled over . He just let me be . He never once tried to change me . During a most recent mixed manic episode I took off to the beach . I was feeling quite depressed and suicidal . I swore to my husband I was not going to hurt myself . He begrudgingly " let " me go . Before I would not tell a soul and once I arrived let you know . I had made progress . My friend texted me and wanted to know where I was . At that moment , no joke , my phone froze . I couldn 't send a text message out . I tried several times , so several minutes went by . Once I turned it completely off for a few minutes it seemed to come back to its senses . So , I sent the text of my location as I was not hiding from him . He was upset with me it took me so long to get back to him . He told me it made him uncomfortable that he asked a question and I took my time to answer . I got angry at this point . My yelling text replied , I did fucking tell you ! My texts would not go through . Its not my fault . I think some other words were exchanged until he halted communication . That was 2 months ago . The next thing I know I am getting a text from him letting me know our friend hung himself . No conversation around it . Just passing on information I guess . I don 't know what to think . Maybe he 's processing . Maybe he felt obligated to let me know and wants to leave it at that . I don 't know . Here I am confused . How do these friendships work ? I don 't want to try too hard . I don 't want to seem like I care all that much . I had resigned myself that I needed to move on . But , the truth is : of course I fucking care . I have shared so many intimate moments with this man . Plus , I just fucking care ! Period . He reached out this morning to say hello and ask how I am doing , just like old times . He used to do that everyday . I feel like the incident at the beach changed things . Maybe that was the moment he no longer had patience . The moment he decided I am too much . The moment he decided the friendship wasn 't serving him anymore . I don 't know if I will ever know as I am afraid to ask . I don 't want to upset an already upset apple cart . But . My heart hurts . There is a hole he used to fill . For better or worse . We bonded . We shared secrets . We shared pain . We shared triumph no matter how big or small . We shared space in a way I have never felt before . Knowing it was difficult to express myself verbally , he encouraged me to write . I began writing for his blog a few years ago . It really gave me a voice and an outlet as I am quite an emotional being . Then all the sudden , he stopped posting what I sent him . I obliged and stopped sending what I wrote . Eventually I started my own blog . He is now asking for the address . For some reason I am hesitant to give it to him . I 'm not sure I want him to see that far into me anymore . We are like driftwood in a slow moving river , occasionally bumping into each other , which then just sets us further apart . He is asking . But , why is he asking ? I shared something I wrote about our friend that committed suicide a few days ago . That sparked his desire to see the blog for some reason . I am not ashamed , I can say that . What I can 't label is whether its vulnerability , anger or wanting to protect myself . My other friend can become a ghost as well . She has drifted out of my life for years at a time . Her initial disappearance was upsetting , as I believed her to be a close friend . But , I would settle into life without her . It was almost to the point where she was never really a part of my life . Then poof she would reappear . She would find a way to come back into our lives . She is a woman of many moving parts . She is intellectual . She is spiritual . She loves to laugh . She loves to dance . She tries to honor the present moment . She too can hold your emotion . She can hold some of the darkness I carry . She professes to have darkness of her own and therein an inherent understanding is born . She can be Jekyll and hyde . She can accuse you of not being spontaneous enough . She is afraid to mark things on her calendar too far in advance . I get the feeling she is afraid of missing out on other opportunities , so likes to " keep it open . " What is subtle at first is her selfishness . Trying to make plans for dinner , I may suggest a place I think would be great , only to be trumped by somewhere she rather go . If I say let 's go east , she will say nah , how about west . One day she is fun loving and full of positive energy . The next day she is shrouded in the mire of her own mind and can barely come down to earth to be with you . I don 't fault her for that , as I can easily be the same way . We are 40 years old . We are in a time of taking responsibility for self . She doesn 't always seem to do that . If I am rude or act out inappropriately , I have to own that . Even if under the guise of bipolar disorder , those were my actions . Events over the course of the last few weeks have left me feeling like she doesn 't truly think of others . She arrives , takes off her jacket in dramatic fashion , and then the night begins . No matter the night had already begun by all intents and purposes . Maybe I do have expectations . Maybe I 'm not allowing her to be who she is . But , what if that , the supposed being who she is , is infringing upon who I am ? Are you confused , because I am . The tough part is when she mosey 's back into my life for a short time , I begin to like having her there . I begin to trust again . I believe she is in it for us , as friends . Ultimately I am left disappointed . Sometimes , I don 't think she sees an " us " , more a her and them . Is being a them okay with me ? Should I just roll with that premise , knowing it will probably change at some point . My relationships right now are fucked up . But , I 'm fucked up too . So , shouldn 't I fit into the equation somehow . Doesn 't A + B = C . I don 't remember having this hard a time with friendships as a young adult . Maybe it was easier because we were all partying and living it up . The real stuff , the shit storm of life , wasn 't upon us yet . I don 't know where I belong . If I belong . If I want to belong . I do know I am lonely . My house is cold and lonely . The big bad world is cold and lonely . The road I have travelled , my journey , has been traumatic as of late . A good friend would not only lighten my load , but allow me to get out of my own head and be there for them as well . Maybe I need to redefine my definition of friend . Maybe I need more than people can give . Maybe I don 't deserve to be here . Maybe I 'm the selfish one . So many maybe 's just fuel the confusion . Posted on November 21 , 2015November 21 , 2015 by bipolarfanatic I 've really had to take a look at myself over the last 2 months . Started about 3 weeks prior to a hospitalization if I 'm honest . I know I was having symptoms , I just did not want to acknowledge that fact . I can see it all fairly clearly now … AFTER . The stress at work was piling up . I was ALLOWING the stress at work to pile up . While being an independent worker is good , and we all used to put it on our resume as an attribute , I think it depends on which definition you are using . My definition means take on all tasks at full boar , do not ask for help and always GO ! Go above and beyond . Set your mission and embark . If the boss suggests you don 't have to do it all " independently " she is not being sincere . This is what she truly wants . This is the office culture . This is the only way I know how to do it . Sure , I am a team player as well . I mean I think I am . I play well with others , I really do . I can hold group discussions , set agendas , meet deadlines . I just compare myself to those in my group . If they are already on task # 2 , despite the fact I already have tasks prior to these new tasks they don 't have , then I must not be pulling my weight . Exit the lunch break . No time for a break . I do eat lunch . Believe me you don 't want to see me without food in my system . I just do it while doing 2 - 100 other things I absolutely must do . In a nutshell , I am a perfectionist and it often times gets in my way . I think it can be a good quality , if under control . I 'm typically not under control . Panic in the mornings over my to do list . Paralysis when writing my to do list . Silent tears in the bathroom stall . Inability to sleep . Inability to turn my work brain off . These are all signs I was unwilling to admit to … even to myself . Throw a trip to visit my incredibly dysfunctional in laws in the mix and I was sure to fall apart sooner or later . I have been off work for just about 2 months steeped in psychosis , depression and suicidal impulses . I still get up at the same time . I actually might even get up earlier . I am really trying to workout consistently . I attend an outpatient group 5 days a week , but for only half the day . With this break in work , and time to reflect , I feel I know how I need to approach it once I return . I really am not anywhere near stable enough to show my face . Week after week I fax over a work extension to my HR department . Week after week I kindly text my supervisor letting her know I won 't be in on the date we discussed . I do want to return . I really do . I just need it to be successful . I need to feel good about something right about now . I need to feel I can handle the stress of the job in a healthy way . The intense stress just sets off a firestorm of bipolar symptoms . It 's a job . Of course I want to do well . I want to feel good about myself . But , setting myself up for a lovely stay at the psych hospital is no longer an option . This is going to be a challenge . Somethings I can implement right away , somethings will take time . But , I do feel like I can implement them . I truly see how my behavior affects my stress level . Don 't get me wrong the job is stressful , as are most , I think I just add 50 lb weights to the process and I can 't sustain that pressure . I look forward to the opportunity to slow down and enjoy my job a little more . Really appreciate the reasons I took it in the first place . Get back to basics . Going in Stable is key . Maintaining that stability is paramount . It all begins with me .

byProlonged _ Debut10 © NOTE : This is a work of FICTION ! Although the areas this story takes place in are real ; all of the landscapes depicted , the people described , and everything else this story uses to make it enjoyable reading for you , are NOT REAL . As you read this story , try to remember , this is a NOVEL . Laura Garrett was a 20 - year - old Manhattan College student , who just finished her junior year . She worked as a server , at an Italian restaurant , because she needed the money to help pay for her next semester 's tuition , and hopefully , for a little extra spending money , on the side . She wore her reddish blonde hair in a long ponytail , which enhanced her gorgeous face , and her slim Irish figure . One evening , she served a blonde haired , blue - eyed man , with an Italian accent . He kept coming back to this restaurant , and insisted on sitting at her station . After weeks of him eating alone , they started a friendship . She found out that he was from the very northern part of Italy , very close to the Swiss border . One evening he asked her if she would go out with him , on a date ; and she said yes . It started out simply enough , by going to a movie , on the college campus , where she did not feel threatened by his age . This was followed by dinner and dancing , where he swept her off her feet , because he was the best dancer she had ever been with . He still did not try to bed her , because his feelings were so intense , for this lovely young woman . One evening he took her to see " The Phantom of the Opera " on Broadway . She had never been to a play , because she never had the money for such an extravagance . She was awed by the opulence of the theater , and she cried during the play . Afterwards , he took her to the Sofitel Hotel , a five - star hotel , between 5th and 6th Avenue , and only short walk from the theater . He never mentioned it , but she knew what was on his mind . She did not hesitate at all . He stopped feet short of the entrance , and kissed her . " Laura , I am a married man . One day , I will be called back to Italy . I do not know when that will be . I could be here for one more day . I could be here for one more year . I love you . However , regardless of how I feel about you , I can never marry you . I would love to take you upstairs , and ravish your lovely body ; but I had to tell you this so you would know where you stand with me . " William Zabo looked down at third finger of his left hand , and shook his head . The ring had been there for more than fifteen years , and it had become such a part of his hand ; he had forgotten it was there . " Laura , when a man is in love with a woman , he cannot think straight . I have been here for so long , and been without a woman for so many years , when I saw you , and you were so kind and attentive to me , I knew I wanted you in my life . I tried to resist you , but I could not stay away from you . I love you with all my heart . I wish I were free . Will you come upstairs with me , and allow me to possess all of you ? " We him looked at her in astonishment . " Laura , you are 20 years old and as lovely as any woman I have ever seen . How have you lived this long , and not had a man in your life . " " I am Catholic , William . I have been waiting to marry the man of my dreams . I found him , and unfortunately , he is already married . I have given him my heart , and tonight , I will give him everything else . " They kissed passionately , on the sidewalk in front of the hotel , not caring what the passerby 's might think . William looked into Laura 's eyes , and saw the passion in them . He put his arm around her waist , walked into the hotel , and went straight to the bank of elevators . He opened the door to a suite , and let Laura in . He said to her , " How could I possibly let you wear something like this , on the subway . " He reached his hand , into his pocket , and pulled out a ring box . He opened it , and showed her a 2 - carat diamond ring . Laura was awestruck ! " Laura , you do not know how much I wish this was a wedding band . This is the best I can do for us . I love you . " He placed it on the 3rd finger of her left hand , and it fit her finger perfectly . He lowered the lights in the suite , turned on soft music , and began to dance with her . As they danced , Laura thought to herself , " If this is what they call foreplay , why did I wait so long ? " She felt herself getting wet between her thighs , which rarely , if ever happened . The music ended . William looked Laura in the eyes , and told her to come with him . She nodded , and took his hand , as they went into his bedroom . He had her sit down in a chair as he undressed down to his shorts . She was so embarrassed ; she turned pink . If Laura was pink a moment ago , now she was scarlet red . She had never been naked in front of the man . Now , the man she loved stood behind her , and unzipped her dress . As it fell to the floor , she closed her eyes . She felt him unsnap her bra , and felt it leave her body . She felt his lips kiss her neck , shoulders , arms , and back ; as he trekked downward towards her last line of defense . She still wore full panties . No bikinis , no thongs , just full - size Jockey panties . She was afraid he was going to laugh at her . He did not . He held her abdomen , above her pubic ridge and pressed the cheeks of her ass towards his mouth . He kissed every inch of her bottom lovingly . Her body was no longer red from embarrassment ; it was now red with passion . She reached behind her and touched his head , grabbing his hair , and holding him tight against her . She felt his hands reach for the elastic around the edge of her panties , and she did not shudder with fear . She felt the fabric move past her most private area , and as it fell to the floor , she kicked it away . She turned towards him , and he kissed her where no man or woman had ever touched her before . She felt his tongue search for her opening ; and when he found it , he hit her clit at the same time . She screamed as if she had been hit by a cattle prod , and she came for the first time in her life . Her knees buckled and William caught her before she hit the floor . " The first one only feels that way , my love . It opens up the gates of love . There will be many more , in your life , that will feel better than this . " Laura pulled the blankets down and off the massive bed , and rolled herself onto it . She laid her head on a pillow and saw William smiling at her . She said , " What ? " " When a man and a woman are in love , and they are about to make love , there is never a list . They let their bodies tell them what is next ; and what they want to do together . Do I look like I am ready to make love ? " " I can give you their phone number , and you can tell them . When I refused to go to an all - girls college , and signed up for Manhattan , they refused to pay for any of it . That 's why I am working at the restaurant . " Ever so slowly , Laura climbed out of the bed and stood before William . She put her thumbs inside the band of his shorts , turned her head to the side , and closed her eyes in embarrassment . She attempted to slide his shorts down , and realized it was not possible , while she was standing . She tried bending at the waist to do it , but found that her head was in a very compromising position . She grabbed William 's waist , and knelt down in front of him . She was not thrilled about being in this position ; however , it was better than bending over . She looked up , and saw William smiling down at her . If she was uncomfortable before , she was completely embarrassed now . Her hands reached for the waistband of his shorts , and pulled them down as quickly as she could , to get this job done . The upper half of her body recoiled backwards , when she saw his erect penis , standing before her . She yelled , " HOLY SHIT , " as she put her hand over her mouth in horror , because she had just cursed . William laughed raucously . He knew she would have a reaction , but this was a reaction of a pubescent teenage girl , not a twenty - year - old woman . " You looked like a thirteen - year - old girl having her first experience , with a boy . You look so damn cute , I could eat you up . I think I will . " " Laura , you are going to miss class tomorrow . You are also going to miss work tomorrow , Saturday and Sunday . You are not leaving this room . I am going to give you an education in something you are sorely missing ; ' SEX ! ' " " That is not fair to him . That will leave him short , one server , on the busiest days of his week . He has always been very kind to me , and I hate the thought of doing that to him . " Laura stood up and went to get her clothes . As she reached for her panties , she saw the diamond ring on her finger , and began to cry . She thought , " Is he asking so much of me ? They are only words , and people use them every day . I have led such a sheltered life compared to my peers . It is no wonder people at school stopped associating with me . I think it is time for me to break out of my cage , and do the things a woman my age should be capable of doing . Laura approached him . He took her by her hand , and sat her down on his lap . He kissed her and held her close . " Your body is that of a mature woman . When it comes to sex , you are still a baby . What the young woman was talking about was her boyfriends ' pet name for his dick . Have you heard the expression , " Sometimes the little head is doing the thinking for the big head ? " " If you weren 't so cute , I would spank you . When a man is not aroused , his penis shrinks . Blood flows out of it , and back into his body . When he becomes aroused , blood flows into it , and it becomes erect once more . " " It does not become aroused , the man does . You are going to help me become aroused . Put your hand on it and stroke it up and down . " Tentatively , she put her hand out , and touched a males ' pride , for the first time . It was warm , and soft in her hand , but it pulsed as soon as she touched it , for the first time . She watched in awe , as it grew in her hand . It went from warm and soft , to hot and rigid . She marveled as she saw the veins distend and turn bright blue , and the head of this monster turn purple . She looked up at him and asked , " Does It hurt when it turns black and blue ? " William shook his head in disbelief . He would have to teach this young woman everything . As he thought about it , he asked himself , " Is that such a bad thing ? " " No , it does not hurt . It just means that it is ready to make love . There are many ways to do it . In the position you are in , you could take it into your mouth and make love to it by sucking on it until I cum . You could use high your hands and stroke it , until I cum . " " Although I said the word I , during all that time , you could be cuming , also . However , that is a lesson for another time . If a man is worthy of his name , he makes sure that he is not the only one receive pleasure . He makes sure that his partner also receives pleasure . He can use his hands and his mouth , as well , as his dick , to ensure that the girl / woman experiences an orgasm or many orgasms during sex . " Laura was not happy with this request , but she was determined to learn how to please her man . She opened her mouth wide , moved her head forward , and felt the head of his wide penis entering her mouth . She thought it would be vile tasting , but it was not . It was skin . It could have a finger ; it was not unpleasant at all . When she had about 3 inches in her mouth , William told her to close her mouth and start moving back and forth , without using her teeth . She did this , and kept moving her head forward , taking more of him into her mouth , at the same time . William warned her not to go too far , because he did not want her to gag . Laura did not find this an unpleasant task , and kept going . She remembered to use her tongue to keep it moist . Soon she had his entire member in her mouth , and she heard him groan . She removed him from her mouth and asked , " Did I hurt you ? " He smiled at her and said , " Laura , you are an amazing young woman . No one has ever taken all of me into her mouth before . You have done it on your first try . Do it again , until I cum . " She put him back in her mouth . She started moving back and forth , until she felt his dick expanding in her throat . She started to panic , because she could not breathe . Unexpectedly , she felt hot pulses of liquid shooting down her throat , as William roared . She removed him from her throat and said , " I am sorry , William , I did not mean to hurt you . " " Yes dear , like a prostitute . That is how wonderful that felt to me . You did not hurt me . The scream you heard was pure joy and happiness . Now it is your turn to scream in happiness . Come up here and I will show you how . " She climbed up on the bed to be with him , and he pressed her small breasts against his chest . He kissed her lovingly , and he quickly flipped her over onto her back . He said , " Relax , and let your body feel what is happening to it . " Laura started to loosen up , as he got to her ears . He tickled one with his fingers , while he bit and licked the other . Her hands encircled him , as her body temperature rose ; and the moisture between her legs started to drip down over her asshole . It was a feeling she had never experienced before , and he had promised her much more . His mouth reached her neck , giving her little love bites . He moved up over her chin , and smothered her lips with his . As his ardor grew , her passion grew to new heights . She began to perspire , and that little nub in her slit started to itch . It needed to be scratched , and she could not get to it . However , he was covering her body with his , so she began moving her hips , and splayed her thighs wider in an attempt to rub her vagina against his leg . That thing needed to be rubbed desperately , but he was in the wrong place , and she could not get her center between his legs . William continued kissing down her body , but he kept his promise . He moved his hand down to her pussy , separated her lips , and played with her clit . As soon as his thumb pressed on it , her hips arched up to increase the pressure on it . She humped her hips against his thumb , until she screamed . She thought she had peed on the bed , because of the liquid she expelled . She was so embarrassed . She covered her face , and tried to roll away from him . byProlonged _ Debut10 © 4 comments / 62067 views / 79 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportNext9 Pages : 123123456789GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . Literotica is a trademark . No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission . Terms Of Services | Report A Problem | PrivacyUsername : Password : Forgot your password ? Security code : Change pictureYour current user avatar , all sizes : You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation . Select new user avatar : Upload and save

I have a blog post with pictures about my meetup with fellow blogger from http : / / theredhorsetales . blogspot . com , but I need to upload my pictures still so that post will have to wait . In the meantime , I need some advice . I 'm afraid I 've turned into a bit of a barn snob . Either that , or I am insisting on perfection . Or maybe I have well founded fears . Please help me think about this in a calm , ration way . I 've tried bouncing this off my non - horse friends but they don 't know enough about horses to really participate . My question is about barns . Again . My barn has been fantastic , but it 's a little bit like jumping into the serious lap swim session at the pool and then thinking maybe you 'd like to try synchronized diving or water polo . Or maybe you just want to float around contemplating life . I will try not to go on and on and on and to be as clear as possible . Let 's start with Barn A , the barn I 'm currently at . Impeccable barn . Barn aisle is always swept . Wash rack clean . Buckets clean . Stalls clean . Not so impeccable that you wonder if horses live there , but a pretty tight ship . Almost everyone there is a better rider than I am and the instruction is top notch . They went to a show last weekend and took Champion or Reserve Champion in all the divisions they entered . This was a dressage show . Great care for the horses . From the food to regular chiropractic adjustments as needed to vitamins , supplements and knowing when your horse is off , the care is top notch . I have never had to schedule a vet visit , a dentist visit and now even Tessa 's feet are trimmed regularly . They know what the horses need and they take care of it . I trust them implicitly when it comes to my horse . If they think she needs supplements or a vet visit or anything , they let me know right away . Turnouts are good sized and have grass in the summer . Yes , for a solid six months they are muddy but this is the Pacific Northwest . That 's how we roll . Horses go out in pairs and have access to a shelter . They are turned out every other day for 8 - 10 hours and they come in if the weather is super miserable . If the horses are kept in , they put them on a rotating schedule of arena time . Nobody rides anything except dressage and jumping . The community is somewhat tight knit , but I think a lot of it revolves around shows . There are no children . The people there are more into their relationship with their horse than they are the training . I would likely be one of the ' better ' riders or at least one of the more ' serious ' ones . I mean , my first lesson there today she had me ride her horse in a Kimberwicke . Uh . . . . I have never taken a dressage lesson using a Kimberwicke . However , she also put me on the longe line and then made me ride bareback ! I learned a lot , even if I was riding in a non - dressage bit . They do fun things like bonfires , Halloween dress up parties , they have a 4 - h group , they go to some local shows . Lots of community it seems . They have an outdoor riding space . They call it an arena but it 's a grass / sand mixture and it looks like it might be slick when the weather changes . However , it 's outside . OUTSIDE ! Viewing room with heat and a couch . And toys for kids . And kids ride there ! Kids who could hang out with my kid ! The barn is not as clean . I 'm not talking about perfection , I just mean it wasn 't as clean . It was totally functional though and not gross at all , just a little less deep on the shavings and a little messier here and there . The turnouts are tiny , gravel turnouts with no shelter and no trees . They are turned out for about three to four hours a day , but there isn 't enough room to take more than about ten steps each direction . A horse couldn 't actually canter out there . Turnout wouldn 't mean much in terms of getting exercise , it would be more about fresh air . I wouldn 't be getting the same level of perfection in my instruction . I might pick up bad habits . I might decide to screw it all and ride in a Kimberwicke and a hunt seat saddle and show Arab circuit . I think I might be okay with this because . . . I might be happier there . Thirty minute drive . That 's an extra twenty minutes each time I go to the barn . I would have to schedule all my own vet and farrier visits . The school horse I rode had thrush in his front feet and it 's summer . I could smell it while I was picking out his front feet . I don 't know if that means anything , but I would be concerned if my horse had thrush in August . In March , not so much , but it 's been dry enough around here . . . . but again , maybe I 'm being too anal . In closing , the horse all looked fine at Barn B . There were about five of them that pinned their ears and lunged at other horses as they passed their stalls , but they also had open windows and I know some horses can be territorial that way . They all were friendly when I walked by without a horse . Would you board at a place that didn 't have great turnout ? How big of a deal breaker is that for you ? I have looked at barn after barn after barn and this one has come the closest to having the right sense of community and mixture of disciplines and is actually a reasonable distance from me . I missed two weeks of lessons and was huffing and puffing last night . Sometimes , taking an extended break is helpful though . Last night we identified a key problem area for me . It 's been a problem from the get go , but now that it 's not mixed with anxiety and fear , I hadn 't noticed it as much . It 's my Superman arms . Arms of Steel . From my shoulder blades to my fists , any time things aren 't working my arms turn into steel rods of tension . Here comes the scary corner . Tight reins , arms of steel ! Canter transition where she might throw her head at my nose ? Arms of steel ! The dreaded tranter ? Arms of steel ! Linda gently chastised me because Tessa was cranky and sucking back again . She said " It 's time to look at what you 're doing to prevent her forward motion . " I know , I 'm a little late to this party . But now that my tension is not fear related , it 's time to let it go . We worked on keeping my legs beneath me and my muscles somewhat relaxed . Letting the motion of the horse carry me forward and being soft and supple . Keeping Tessa 's ears pointed the direction I 'm going . Oh , she 's looking to the outside ? Arms of Steel ! No , wait , relax . Relax . I started muttering it under my breath . Relax . Hands down . Relax . Legs beneath you . Relax . Keep your rein length . Relax . Following hands . The arena was super busy ( six horses in a 70 x 120 covered arena ) so it was more of a challenge than usual . We didn 't have a whole lot of great moments , but I started to recognize when I was tensing up . My goal for this week is not to worry too much about changing it to something effective , but to notice it EVERY time . If I can then relax , great . But I want to know every time I do it . Including in my non - pony life . My shoulders have long since shouldered ( hahahaha . this made me happy ) the burden of my stresses . Sitting at my desk . Problem solving . The tension starts in the middle of my shoulder blades , draws them together and eventually travels down the length of my arms . It 's time to recognize those moments . Just by identifying them , I will start to change my behavior . I 'm excited that though I have tension in my body , there isn 't the same tension in my brain . Tessa bucked and kicked and threw her head to nose breaking heights last night ( thank GOD for the martingale ! ! ! ! ) and I was frustrated with myself but not afraid . And in the end we had lovely forward motion and one ear flicked back on me all the way around the arena . Posted by Heavy title isn 't it ? Really , I 'm just admitting that I broke my promise about more pictures . I went out to the barn for two days in a row and don 't have a single picture to show for it . I 'm sorry . Especially since there some good things to take pictures of ! Saturday , I got reacquainted with my pony . She 's still rubbing out her tail , but it 's not as bad . Her butt gets incredibly dirty . More than any other horse I 've ever known ! Probably because she spends most of her time walking around with her tail held up or to one side . So I 'm thinking most of her tail rubbing is from a dirty butt at this point . I 'm going to clean her butt daily and try and check her udders once a week . At this point , I 'm still farming out the work on checking her udders because she 's really nervous about it , but I can see that changing in the future . Remember how frustrated I have been with my relationship and what am I doing and all that whining ? First of all , thanks for hanging in there and reading , even if you are rolling your eyes and sighing dramatically and saying to your computer monitor " Really , Mona Sterling ? How many stupid posts are you going to write about this ? " ' Cause I totally do that to myself . But I 'm one of those people who work out problems by talking ( or typing ) it out . I go on and on and on and on and then . . . it just works itself out . You 'd think after having things ALWAYS work out that I would relax a bit more . But relaxing makes me a bit uncomfortable . A good example of this is that my six year old is going away with my parents for five days . FIVE DAYS ! ! This is my chance to relax , right ? Ohhhhhhh no . I have two extra work meetings , an extra riding lesson , a meetup with another blogger , a dinner party and I 'm painting the living room , dining room , entryway and all of our trim including the fireplace . Also , I am going to clean up the garage and clean up our guest room . Somewhere in there , I will relax . Ha ! Anyway , I was perusing the internets for some answers to my life problems . Oh , you don 't do that ? Really ? I can 't afford a counselor AND a horse , so when the horse is the problem and not my solution , I turn to the internet . I stumbled across a video about clicker training for spooky horses . In my former life , I was a dog trainer and have used clicker training for dogs with some success . I thought it would be fun to see what Tessa did . Rather than using a clicker , I chose to use the word " Right " to reinforce . I won 't explain the process in detail ( the videos on the website above do a better job of that ) but within five times , Tessa was looking for food every time I said " Right " . I used tiny cut up carrots , but it would have been better with grain or something less crunchy I think . The first thing I worked on was not mugging me for treats . We were loose in the arena and she learned very quickly to turn her head forward if she wanted a treat . Within ten minutes , I had her touching her nose to a cone to get treats . I then brought in an umbrella and opened it . Tessa 's eyes went wide . I held still , umbrella in one hand and carrots in the other . Tessa looked at me , then looked at the umbrella . ' Right ! " I exclaimed loudly and handed her some carrots . I shook the umbrella . Tessa took stock on the situation . Scary umbrella ? Carrots ? She knew what I wanted . She stretched her neck out and nosed the umbrella . " Right ! Right ! " I gave her a whole handful of carrots . Then I walked around with the umbrella , Tessa following and touching it with her nose at every opportunity . That day she also touched a coffee mug , my sweatshirt and learned that if she kept her head forward and her attitude in check while I was girthing her , she got lots of praise and carrots . After my ride on Sunday , I did some more work with her and within ten minutes had her following me around , stopping when I stopped and backing up when I backed up . At one point , she moved her body away from me and tried to come around front for a treat . I just held still and she circled all the way around me and PUT HERSELF BACK IN POSITION ! I 'm not even making this up ! She came back and put her shoulder even with my shoulder . In other news , Tessa will be going for her first official trail ride on Saturday Sept . 9th . A trainer at the barn who gives beginner lessons , Sarah , is going to take Tessa and her horse BeBe . I will ride BeBe and Sarah will ride Tessa . So exciting ! I 've been out of town . And though I got back two days early , I chose not to go see my horse . What does this mean ? The balance of family , work and horse is so damn challenging . How do you fit in family , work and horse time ? How long is your average trip to the barn ? How many times a week do you see your horse ? Do you pay for someone else to work your horse when you can 't ? Sometimes it just feels like I 'm juggling . I know , the saying is juggling too many balls , but I can 't juggle . At all . So it just feels like juggling where every time I think I 've got it , that damn third ball gets added in and everything goes flying every which way . Next week , I have an exciting play date ( do grown ups call them play dates ? ? ) with Laura from Red Horse Farm . Yeah for meeting fellow bloggers and fellow horse people ! We 're gonna do some ground work and then maybe a little Western riding . I 'm gonna rock my Cruel Girl jeans ( and you thought I was only english . ha ! I even have some Western spurs with rowels ! ! ) and I 'm gonna bring my camera ! Is it a sign of things not working for me that I 'm more excited about doing this than I am about going out to ride my own horse ? I will try to take more pictures this next week so that even though my posts might be full of musings and critical questions , they will at least have pictures . Because we all love pictures ! I took Tessa in the to wash rack again yesterday . I washed her tail while she clamped it down , every muscle quivering . She stood mostly still , lifting a hind leg in protest now and then . The water was warm and I was careful not to spray her too hard . Still , she was tense and unhappy . The minute I unclipped the cross ties , she tried to bolt out . She has been at the same barn for over a year . She has been in the wash rack every week for the last year , sometimes more often . The last two weeks , she has had her tail washed every day . She has been praised profusely when she stands still , she has had carrots in the wash rack . She has been tacked , untacked , groomed and fed treats in the wash rack . We have moved slowly from spraying water nearby , to hosing off feet . She has never had water sprayed in her face or ears ( at least not with me . . . I can 't say what her previous owners did ) . But her fear of the wash rack persists . So is it trust ? How can you build trust ? I get that it takes time , but how MUCH time ? Will she EVER trust me or will my lack of confidence erode any foundation we start to build . How can I set us up for situations where she will look to me as a leader , without accidentally setting us up for failure ? I have read every natural horsemanship book out there and though I love them , sometimes it 's hard to put in practice when you don 't really know what you 're doing or how to apply it to your particular situation . I really appreciate all the comments / advice on my last post . I have been thinking a lot about the comment about Arabians going a bit stir crazy only having arena time . Tessa has been a bit hot and cranky lately and I 'm wondering if this is a big part of it . She 's been in the same arena for a year now . The one time she did go to a show was about a month after I bought her . She was amazing . She was quiet and walked around the property like an old pro . It helped that it was all outdoors and there were lots of other horses . Other horses give her confidence . So , I have been researching other barns and had found a barn close to my house that intrigued me . It seemed to have everything on my wish list . Indoor arena , outdoor round pen , daily turnout and best of all , it was a short ride down a dead end road to a giant local park with outdoor arenas and trails . They had three trainers working out of the barn . A dressage trainer , a hunter jumper trainer and a woman who studies with Buck Brannaman . Perfect ! My saddle fitter keeps her horse there and absolutely loves it . This barn is also much closer to my home . The only reason I hadn 't looked into it before was the price tag . My board would have gone up $ 200 a month and lessons were more expensive . Would it really be worth it ? I have spent the summer discussing it with my husband ( over and over and over and over . . . . I solve problems by talking them out . Luckily , my husband is a patient man . ) and decided that I needed to try this barn . My saddle fitter was out yesterday to take my saddle in for some adjustments . We 're removing some of the stuffing from the back so it doesn 't feel so downhill . It 's hard to have a deep seat saddle on a downhill horse ; it can feel like you 're falling off the front . I asked her about her barn again . She was super excited and said I would be a perfect fit ! She told me they are letting the trainers go because they want a facility with people who aren 't so driven by shows . They are going to focus on having fun with their horses . Perfect , right ? Then she let this little bomb drop . They 're raising the board . Another $ 200 . 00 . Which brings board to a whopping $ 1 , 000 a month and puts it firmly out of my price range . I was so disappointed . She tried to convince me it was worth it because of the excellent care and everything , but my pony gets BEYOND excellent care at the barn I 'm at . The only reason I would be moving is for the access to trails and outdoor riding without needing a trailer and $ 400 extra dollars a month just isn 't in my budget right now for that . Especially when the barn across the street from them ( it 's full so I can 't go there ) charges only $ 450 a month . Granted , they don 't have an indoor arena or a wash rack , but $ 400 extra a month for those things ? No thanks . So , time for a plan B . The girl that rides my horse for me on Wednesdays ( who is great with her ) said that she can use a truck and trailer . We would just need to fill up the tank . I am going to email her today to talk about how much I could pay her to take my pony and I on field trips . Knowing how Tessa does in new situations , new arenas , trails and outdoor arenas will help me figure out what the next step is . . . . hopefully . You think this post is going to be about nuggets of wisdom , don 't you ? C ' mon , you totally do . What else would it be about ? How about poop ! ? Yes , poop . Last night was my lesson and Tessa was hot . She wasn 't scary hot , but she was very distracted and nervous about every little thing . We had some really good work , pushing her forward and into my hands , but we still can 't make it all the way around the arena without being distracted and spooking . I will admit that I spent a good portion of my lesson with my arms aching and my frustration building . I kept shaking my arms out to try and loosen them , but every four strides Tessa would fling her head in the air and scoot sideways . Down every long side she would speed up , despite my half halts . Then she would fall to the inside . I managed to get it where we could go almost all the way down the long side by using my spur vigorously . But those last three strides , she didn 't even feel the spur because it was the scary corner . I felt like I was trying too muscle her into doing what I wanted and since she outweighs me by at least a couple hundred pounds , there 's no way for that to be effective . I really like both my trainers , but some days ( like yesterday ) I feel frustrated that I 've been riding with them since October and I STILL can 't consistently get my horse all the way around the arena and in every corner . I mean , I might be able to do it once or twice during a lesson going one direction , but how effing long is it going to take ? ? The trouble is that Tessa doesn 't trust or believe me ( or something along those lines ) and that whatever is in the corner is scarier to her than whatever I 'm doing . I try turning her head , more inside leg , asking for shoulder in , change of gait . These can sometimes distract her but never enough to * actually * ride through the corner properly and consistently . How will I ever get out of the arena if we can 't even manage riding * in * the arena after almost a YEAR of once a week lessons . ARGH ! So , anyway , back to the poop . Poor Tessa was just really wIn the course of a one hour lesson , my pony pooped eight times . EIGHT TIMES . One tiny little poop nugget at a time . It was like she was watching the people picking it up and as soon as they had picked it up , left the arena and gone back to what they were doing , Tessa would poop again . Poor nervous pooping pony . In the end we had a fine lesson . We had some lovely canter to the right and even though she had a huge spook in the canter , I got her back under control after only two strides and we resumed our lovely canter . Still , I need to figure out how to stop trying to be physically stronger than the pony . It 's not working and we both deserve better . Sunday was hot . Probably not hot by rest of the country standards , but in the PNW it was a record breaking day of heat in the 90 's . I saddled up anyways but we ended up only riding for about ten minutes . It was just too hot and neither one of us were motivated . There was nobody around , so I took Tessa 's saddle off in the arena . I was about to take her bridle off when I had an idea . I should check something off of my ' perfect horse ' list that I 've wanted to do . Have a horse that I can ride bareback . So I led her to the mounting block , removed my spurs ( just in case ) and slid on to her back . It was slippery . And her mane was short , having been recently pulled . I asked her to walk . She took a step . My heart was pounding a million miles an hour . She took another step . On the fifth step , I heard the sound of the Blue Angels ( jet fighter planes that were in town for a show that weekend ) approaching . So , I slid off . My short bareback ride over . But you know what ? It was five steps more bareback than I had ridden her before . And now I can say I 've ridden my pony bareback . Of course there are no pictures . How many pictures of Tessa in the crossties can I possibly take ? Even my camera is sick of Tessa in the crossties pictures . So , sorry about that , but no pictures this time . I promise I 'll get better about that . I 'm a terrible blogger right now . But , can you blame me ? I 've been dealing with this . Hives . All over his body . Over and ove . . . Looking for a new equine partner is a bit like speed dating . Except you only get one or two dates before you get married . What a strange w . . . Horse nutrition is not my strong point . It 's such a huge topic and there 's so much information AND so much marketing out there . Ho . . .

I have a blog post with pictures about my meetup with fellow blogger from http : / / theredhorsetales . blogspot . com , but I need to upload my pictures still so that post will have to wait . In the meantime , I need some advice . I 'm afraid I 've turned into a bit of a barn snob . Either that , or I am insisting on perfection . Or maybe I have well founded fears . Please help me think about this in a calm , ration way . I 've tried bouncing this off my non - horse friends but they don 't know enough about horses to really participate . My question is about barns . Again . My barn has been fantastic , but it 's a little bit like jumping into the serious lap swim session at the pool and then thinking maybe you 'd like to try synchronized diving or water polo . Or maybe you just want to float around contemplating life . I will try not to go on and on and on and to be as clear as possible . Let 's start with Barn A , the barn I 'm currently at . Impeccable barn . Barn aisle is always swept . Wash rack clean . Buckets clean . Stalls clean . Not so impeccable that you wonder if horses live there , but a pretty tight ship . Almost everyone there is a better rider than I am and the instruction is top notch . They went to a show last weekend and took Champion or Reserve Champion in all the divisions they entered . This was a dressage show . Great care for the horses . From the food to regular chiropractic adjustments as needed to vitamins , supplements and knowing when your horse is off , the care is top notch . I have never had to schedule a vet visit , a dentist visit and now even Tessa 's feet are trimmed regularly . They know what the horses need and they take care of it . I trust them implicitly when it comes to my horse . If they think she needs supplements or a vet visit or anything , they let me know right away . Turnouts are good sized and have grass in the summer . Yes , for a solid six months they are muddy but this is the Pacific Northwest . That 's how we roll . Horses go out in pairs and have access to a shelter . They are turned out every other day for 8 - 10 hours and they come in if the weather is super miserable . If the horses are kept in , they put them on a rotating schedule of arena time . Nobody rides anything except dressage and jumping . The community is somewhat tight knit , but I think a lot of it revolves around shows . There are no children . The people there are more into their relationship with their horse than they are the training . I would likely be one of the ' better ' riders or at least one of the more ' serious ' ones . I mean , my first lesson there today she had me ride her horse in a Kimberwicke . Uh . . . . I have never taken a dressage lesson using a Kimberwicke . However , she also put me on the longe line and then made me ride bareback ! I learned a lot , even if I was riding in a non - dressage bit . They do fun things like bonfires , Halloween dress up parties , they have a 4 - h group , they go to some local shows . Lots of community it seems . They have an outdoor riding space . They call it an arena but it 's a grass / sand mixture and it looks like it might be slick when the weather changes . However , it 's outside . OUTSIDE ! Viewing room with heat and a couch . And toys for kids . And kids ride there ! Kids who could hang out with my kid ! The barn is not as clean . I 'm not talking about perfection , I just mean it wasn 't as clean . It was totally functional though and not gross at all , just a little less deep on the shavings and a little messier here and there . The turnouts are tiny , gravel turnouts with no shelter and no trees . They are turned out for about three to four hours a day , but there isn 't enough room to take more than about ten steps each direction . A horse couldn 't actually canter out there . Turnout wouldn 't mean much in terms of getting exercise , it would be more about fresh air . I wouldn 't be getting the same level of perfection in my instruction . I might pick up bad habits . I might decide to screw it all and ride in a Kimberwicke and a hunt seat saddle and show Arab circuit . I think I might be okay with this because . . . I might be happier there . Thirty minute drive . That 's an extra twenty minutes each time I go to the barn . I would have to schedule all my own vet and farrier visits . The school horse I rode had thrush in his front feet and it 's summer . I could smell it while I was picking out his front feet . I don 't know if that means anything , but I would be concerned if my horse had thrush in August . In March , not so much , but it 's been dry enough around here . . . . but again , maybe I 'm being too anal . In closing , the horse all looked fine at Barn B . There were about five of them that pinned their ears and lunged at other horses as they passed their stalls , but they also had open windows and I know some horses can be territorial that way . They all were friendly when I walked by without a horse . Would you board at a place that didn 't have great turnout ? How big of a deal breaker is that for you ? I have looked at barn after barn after barn and this one has come the closest to having the right sense of community and mixture of disciplines and is actually a reasonable distance from me . I missed two weeks of lessons and was huffing and puffing last night . Sometimes , taking an extended break is helpful though . Last night we identified a key problem area for me . It 's been a problem from the get go , but now that it 's not mixed with anxiety and fear , I hadn 't noticed it as much . It 's my Superman arms . Arms of Steel . From my shoulder blades to my fists , any time things aren 't working my arms turn into steel rods of tension . Here comes the scary corner . Tight reins , arms of steel ! Canter transition where she might throw her head at my nose ? Arms of steel ! The dreaded tranter ? Arms of steel ! Linda gently chastised me because Tessa was cranky and sucking back again . She said " It 's time to look at what you 're doing to prevent her forward motion . " I know , I 'm a little late to this party . But now that my tension is not fear related , it 's time to let it go . We worked on keeping my legs beneath me and my muscles somewhat relaxed . Letting the motion of the horse carry me forward and being soft and supple . Keeping Tessa 's ears pointed the direction I 'm going . Oh , she 's looking to the outside ? Arms of Steel ! No , wait , relax . Relax . I started muttering it under my breath . Relax . Hands down . Relax . Legs beneath you . Relax . Keep your rein length . Relax . Following hands . The arena was super busy ( six horses in a 70 x 120 covered arena ) so it was more of a challenge than usual . We didn 't have a whole lot of great moments , but I started to recognize when I was tensing up . My goal for this week is not to worry too much about changing it to something effective , but to notice it EVERY time . If I can then relax , great . But I want to know every time I do it . Including in my non - pony life . My shoulders have long since shouldered ( hahahaha . this made me happy ) the burden of my stresses . Sitting at my desk . Problem solving . The tension starts in the middle of my shoulder blades , draws them together and eventually travels down the length of my arms . It 's time to recognize those moments . Just by identifying them , I will start to change my behavior . I 'm excited that though I have tension in my body , there isn 't the same tension in my brain . Tessa bucked and kicked and threw her head to nose breaking heights last night ( thank GOD for the martingale ! ! ! ! ) and I was frustrated with myself but not afraid . And in the end we had lovely forward motion and one ear flicked back on me all the way around the arena . Posted by Heavy title isn 't it ? Really , I 'm just admitting that I broke my promise about more pictures . I went out to the barn for two days in a row and don 't have a single picture to show for it . I 'm sorry . Especially since there some good things to take pictures of ! Saturday , I got reacquainted with my pony . She 's still rubbing out her tail , but it 's not as bad . Her butt gets incredibly dirty . More than any other horse I 've ever known ! Probably because she spends most of her time walking around with her tail held up or to one side . So I 'm thinking most of her tail rubbing is from a dirty butt at this point . I 'm going to clean her butt daily and try and check her udders once a week . At this point , I 'm still farming out the work on checking her udders because she 's really nervous about it , but I can see that changing in the future . Remember how frustrated I have been with my relationship and what am I doing and all that whining ? First of all , thanks for hanging in there and reading , even if you are rolling your eyes and sighing dramatically and saying to your computer monitor " Really , Mona Sterling ? How many stupid posts are you going to write about this ? " ' Cause I totally do that to myself . But I 'm one of those people who work out problems by talking ( or typing ) it out . I go on and on and on and on and then . . . it just works itself out . You 'd think after having things ALWAYS work out that I would relax a bit more . But relaxing makes me a bit uncomfortable . A good example of this is that my six year old is going away with my parents for five days . FIVE DAYS ! ! This is my chance to relax , right ? Ohhhhhhh no . I have two extra work meetings , an extra riding lesson , a meetup with another blogger , a dinner party and I 'm painting the living room , dining room , entryway and all of our trim including the fireplace . Also , I am going to clean up the garage and clean up our guest room . Somewhere in there , I will relax . Ha ! Anyway , I was perusing the internets for some answers to my life problems . Oh , you don 't do that ? Really ? I can 't afford a counselor AND a horse , so when the horse is the problem and not my solution , I turn to the internet . I stumbled across a video about clicker training for spooky horses . In my former life , I was a dog trainer and have used clicker training for dogs with some success . I thought it would be fun to see what Tessa did . Rather than using a clicker , I chose to use the word " Right " to reinforce . I won 't explain the process in detail ( the videos on the website above do a better job of that ) but within five times , Tessa was looking for food every time I said " Right " . I used tiny cut up carrots , but it would have been better with grain or something less crunchy I think . The first thing I worked on was not mugging me for treats . We were loose in the arena and she learned very quickly to turn her head forward if she wanted a treat . Within ten minutes , I had her touching her nose to a cone to get treats . I then brought in an umbrella and opened it . Tessa 's eyes went wide . I held still , umbrella in one hand and carrots in the other . Tessa looked at me , then looked at the umbrella . ' Right ! " I exclaimed loudly and handed her some carrots . I shook the umbrella . Tessa took stock on the situation . Scary umbrella ? Carrots ? She knew what I wanted . She stretched her neck out and nosed the umbrella . " Right ! Right ! " I gave her a whole handful of carrots . Then I walked around with the umbrella , Tessa following and touching it with her nose at every opportunity . That day she also touched a coffee mug , my sweatshirt and learned that if she kept her head forward and her attitude in check while I was girthing her , she got lots of praise and carrots . After my ride on Sunday , I did some more work with her and within ten minutes had her following me around , stopping when I stopped and backing up when I backed up . At one point , she moved her body away from me and tried to come around front for a treat . I just held still and she circled all the way around me and PUT HERSELF BACK IN POSITION ! I 'm not even making this up ! She came back and put her shoulder even with my shoulder . In other news , Tessa will be going for her first official trail ride on Saturday Sept . 9th . A trainer at the barn who gives beginner lessons , Sarah , is going to take Tessa and her horse BeBe . I will ride BeBe and Sarah will ride Tessa . So exciting ! I 've been out of town . And though I got back two days early , I chose not to go see my horse . What does this mean ? The balance of family , work and horse is so damn challenging . How do you fit in family , work and horse time ? How long is your average trip to the barn ? How many times a week do you see your horse ? Do you pay for someone else to work your horse when you can 't ? Sometimes it just feels like I 'm juggling . I know , the saying is juggling too many balls , but I can 't juggle . At all . So it just feels like juggling where every time I think I 've got it , that damn third ball gets added in and everything goes flying every which way . Next week , I have an exciting play date ( do grown ups call them play dates ? ? ) with Laura from Red Horse Farm . Yeah for meeting fellow bloggers and fellow horse people ! We 're gonna do some ground work and then maybe a little Western riding . I 'm gonna rock my Cruel Girl jeans ( and you thought I was only english . ha ! I even have some Western spurs with rowels ! ! ) and I 'm gonna bring my camera ! Is it a sign of things not working for me that I 'm more excited about doing this than I am about going out to ride my own horse ? I will try to take more pictures this next week so that even though my posts might be full of musings and critical questions , they will at least have pictures . Because we all love pictures ! I took Tessa in the to wash rack again yesterday . I washed her tail while she clamped it down , every muscle quivering . She stood mostly still , lifting a hind leg in protest now and then . The water was warm and I was careful not to spray her too hard . Still , she was tense and unhappy . The minute I unclipped the cross ties , she tried to bolt out . She has been at the same barn for over a year . She has been in the wash rack every week for the last year , sometimes more often . The last two weeks , she has had her tail washed every day . She has been praised profusely when she stands still , she has had carrots in the wash rack . She has been tacked , untacked , groomed and fed treats in the wash rack . We have moved slowly from spraying water nearby , to hosing off feet . She has never had water sprayed in her face or ears ( at least not with me . . . I can 't say what her previous owners did ) . But her fear of the wash rack persists . So is it trust ? How can you build trust ? I get that it takes time , but how MUCH time ? Will she EVER trust me or will my lack of confidence erode any foundation we start to build . How can I set us up for situations where she will look to me as a leader , without accidentally setting us up for failure ? I have read every natural horsemanship book out there and though I love them , sometimes it 's hard to put in practice when you don 't really know what you 're doing or how to apply it to your particular situation . I really appreciate all the comments / advice on my last post . I have been thinking a lot about the comment about Arabians going a bit stir crazy only having arena time . Tessa has been a bit hot and cranky lately and I 'm wondering if this is a big part of it . She 's been in the same arena for a year now . The one time she did go to a show was about a month after I bought her . She was amazing . She was quiet and walked around the property like an old pro . It helped that it was all outdoors and there were lots of other horses . Other horses give her confidence . So , I have been researching other barns and had found a barn close to my house that intrigued me . It seemed to have everything on my wish list . Indoor arena , outdoor round pen , daily turnout and best of all , it was a short ride down a dead end road to a giant local park with outdoor arenas and trails . They had three trainers working out of the barn . A dressage trainer , a hunter jumper trainer and a woman who studies with Buck Brannaman . Perfect ! My saddle fitter keeps her horse there and absolutely loves it . This barn is also much closer to my home . The only reason I hadn 't looked into it before was the price tag . My board would have gone up $ 200 a month and lessons were more expensive . Would it really be worth it ? I have spent the summer discussing it with my husband ( over and over and over and over . . . . I solve problems by talking them out . Luckily , my husband is a patient man . ) and decided that I needed to try this barn . My saddle fitter was out yesterday to take my saddle in for some adjustments . We 're removing some of the stuffing from the back so it doesn 't feel so downhill . It 's hard to have a deep seat saddle on a downhill horse ; it can feel like you 're falling off the front . I asked her about her barn again . She was super excited and said I would be a perfect fit ! She told me they are letting the trainers go because they want a facility with people who aren 't so driven by shows . They are going to focus on having fun with their horses . Perfect , right ? Then she let this little bomb drop . They 're raising the board . Another $ 200 . 00 . Which brings board to a whopping $ 1 , 000 a month and puts it firmly out of my price range . I was so disappointed . She tried to convince me it was worth it because of the excellent care and everything , but my pony gets BEYOND excellent care at the barn I 'm at . The only reason I would be moving is for the access to trails and outdoor riding without needing a trailer and $ 400 extra dollars a month just isn 't in my budget right now for that . Especially when the barn across the street from them ( it 's full so I can 't go there ) charges only $ 450 a month . Granted , they don 't have an indoor arena or a wash rack , but $ 400 extra a month for those things ? No thanks . So , time for a plan B . The girl that rides my horse for me on Wednesdays ( who is great with her ) said that she can use a truck and trailer . We would just need to fill up the tank . I am going to email her today to talk about how much I could pay her to take my pony and I on field trips . Knowing how Tessa does in new situations , new arenas , trails and outdoor arenas will help me figure out what the next step is . . . . hopefully . You think this post is going to be about nuggets of wisdom , don 't you ? C ' mon , you totally do . What else would it be about ? How about poop ! ? Yes , poop . Last night was my lesson and Tessa was hot . She wasn 't scary hot , but she was very distracted and nervous about every little thing . We had some really good work , pushing her forward and into my hands , but we still can 't make it all the way around the arena without being distracted and spooking . I will admit that I spent a good portion of my lesson with my arms aching and my frustration building . I kept shaking my arms out to try and loosen them , but every four strides Tessa would fling her head in the air and scoot sideways . Down every long side she would speed up , despite my half halts . Then she would fall to the inside . I managed to get it where we could go almost all the way down the long side by using my spur vigorously . But those last three strides , she didn 't even feel the spur because it was the scary corner . I felt like I was trying too muscle her into doing what I wanted and since she outweighs me by at least a couple hundred pounds , there 's no way for that to be effective . I really like both my trainers , but some days ( like yesterday ) I feel frustrated that I 've been riding with them since October and I STILL can 't consistently get my horse all the way around the arena and in every corner . I mean , I might be able to do it once or twice during a lesson going one direction , but how effing long is it going to take ? ? The trouble is that Tessa doesn 't trust or believe me ( or something along those lines ) and that whatever is in the corner is scarier to her than whatever I 'm doing . I try turning her head , more inside leg , asking for shoulder in , change of gait . These can sometimes distract her but never enough to * actually * ride through the corner properly and consistently . How will I ever get out of the arena if we can 't even manage riding * in * the arena after almost a YEAR of once a week lessons . ARGH ! So , anyway , back to the poop . Poor Tessa was just really wIn the course of a one hour lesson , my pony pooped eight times . EIGHT TIMES . One tiny little poop nugget at a time . It was like she was watching the people picking it up and as soon as they had picked it up , left the arena and gone back to what they were doing , Tessa would poop again . Poor nervous pooping pony . In the end we had a fine lesson . We had some lovely canter to the right and even though she had a huge spook in the canter , I got her back under control after only two strides and we resumed our lovely canter . Still , I need to figure out how to stop trying to be physically stronger than the pony . It 's not working and we both deserve better . Sunday was hot . Probably not hot by rest of the country standards , but in the PNW it was a record breaking day of heat in the 90 's . I saddled up anyways but we ended up only riding for about ten minutes . It was just too hot and neither one of us were motivated . There was nobody around , so I took Tessa 's saddle off in the arena . I was about to take her bridle off when I had an idea . I should check something off of my ' perfect horse ' list that I 've wanted to do . Have a horse that I can ride bareback . So I led her to the mounting block , removed my spurs ( just in case ) and slid on to her back . It was slippery . And her mane was short , having been recently pulled . I asked her to walk . She took a step . My heart was pounding a million miles an hour . She took another step . On the fifth step , I heard the sound of the Blue Angels ( jet fighter planes that were in town for a show that weekend ) approaching . So , I slid off . My short bareback ride over . But you know what ? It was five steps more bareback than I had ridden her before . And now I can say I 've ridden my pony bareback . Of course there are no pictures . How many pictures of Tessa in the crossties can I possibly take ? Even my camera is sick of Tessa in the crossties pictures . So , sorry about that , but no pictures this time . I promise I 'll get better about that . I 'm a terrible blogger right now . But , can you blame me ? I 've been dealing with this . Hives . All over his body . Over and ove . . . Looking for a new equine partner is a bit like speed dating . Except you only get one or two dates before you get married . What a strange w . . . Horse nutrition is not my strong point . It 's such a huge topic and there 's so much information AND so much marketing out there . Ho . . .

We sing even after we think we 're done . We sing any acapella song that we all know the words to . . . or not . It doesn 't matter because the most excellent and appropriate worse and phrases fall out of the sky . It 's a beautiful thing . We 've gone through the stretches with each other for a few passes now and we feel comfortable letting at all rip without judgment nor ego . Something never before witnessed . Yes , really . Naked , hairy warts , beautiful tones and all . . . And now she 's belting out " Georgia " to Jack 's accompaniment . Dec 's sitting / lying next to me on the gianormous window bench as I type this passage . And I feel . . . right . We 'd been in Ecuador for about 2 1 / 2 weeks and had to go to Loja to meet with our lawyer , Marco ( he gives hugs like most people around here ) . We had to fill out a census form that is required by the Federal government . Loja is about a 45 minute taxi ride which is always interesting . It is all mountain roads , with twists & turns , steep inclines & declines , patches of gravel where last year 's heavy rains washed away parts of the road ( or was it a heavy rain from the year before ? ) and plenty of switchbacks . The thing you have to understand is that the taxi drivers get paid by how many trips they make back and forth . This means that they drive pretty fast . Tire squealing is a normal occurrence . As is passing any vehicle that is going 1 kilometer slower than you are . Passing lanes and straight a - ways are not required . Any piece of road will do , corner , narrow , people walking on the edge of the road - no problem . But that 's for another blog supported by some video . When we arrived our lawyer was busy finishing up with some other clients . Actually , two other clients . And , as it turned out , we knew both of them . We chatted while we waited , but Declan was in a rather foul mood as he wasn 't really interested in the trip to Loja in the first place . But , he had to come as he had to fill out the census form as well . He eventually had enough adult talk and decided to go outside and people watch . He wasn 't out there for five minutes when he saw Susan , another friend of ours from Vilcabamba , who we 'd known for about 2 weeks . He waived her over and she crossed the street along with two of her friends to say hello . We saw them talking and went out to say hello . She introduced us to her two friends . One of them was Tina . Tina pretty much ignored us and started talking with Declan . I think she could sense he was in a bad mood . " Good . Walter ( Susan 's husband ) is coming up tomorrow and you should come with him . I have a really good horse who has never thrown anyone and I 'll teach you how to ride him . " The next morning Walter came by at 9 AM sharp and picked up Declan for the 1 hour drive to Tina 's farm . We packed him a water bottle , a lunch , and some extra clothes . Walter said they 'd be back around 3 PM unless the roads are a mess in which case it might be as late as 5 PM . And , we shouldn 't be alarmed if it 's even later than that . And off they drove . We stared at each other and laughed . Declan is going with Walter , a guy we met 2 weeks before , to drive an hour to a farm we 've never been to , to spend the day with a lady we 've known for about 5 minutes ! Neither of us felt an once of reservation about him going . We both felt it was a great opportunity for him . Declan & Walter returned about 4 PM . Declan had one of those experiences that changes you on the inside forever . He had a smile on his face that wouldn 't go away . He got to ride a horse , make some home made pizza , and do some farm work . But more importantly , he got to build some self confidence . Since we arrived here a little over three weeks ago I have tried to revisit my beliefs of what I think I want and need . What are my needs - really ? How often do I need to bathe ? How often do I really need to change my clothes , or my underwear for that matter ? How often do I need to shave ? How often do I need to cut my finger nails & toe nails . Here is what I discovered . Bathe - 4 days unless you 're really sweating like a pig . Clothes - 4 days unless you 're rolling in the mud with the pigs . Underwear - 3 days unless you 're having certain issues having to do with bacon stripes . Shave - still haven 't yet , though I did have to trim my pie hole cause food was getting stuck in it way too much & prevented me from eating like a pig . Finger nails - 2 weeks , else you can scratch someone & make them squeal like a pig . And toe nails . Well , Declan told me yesterday that I should cut my toe nails as they were starting to curl like a pigs tail ( okay , that a stretch on the whole pig thing ) . But , I figure when a 10 year old is giving you hygiene tips , well , you probably ought to listen . So I did . I 've been meaning to write about the actual trip down here for a while now . I want those who might be interested in a visit to know that it 's not exactly the easiest place to get to . Not that it is hard ( though having all the luggage that we did made it an extra challenge ) . It 's mostly just long . So , here 's Part I . We left our house on October 31 around 5 PM to head to Ecuador . Sort of . Our flight from Boston , MA to Houston , TX leaves tomorrow at 10 : 15 AM and none of us are interested in getting up at 4 AM in the morning . We borrowed our friend Bruce 's truck because we needed something big enough to hold everything that we 're bringing with us , plus the four of us . Nani 's brother Tim was nice enough to drive us down and drop us off at the Courtyard Marriott that we 're staying at tonight . The weather forecast showed the possibility of rain so before we loaded everything in to the truck we spread a tarp big enough to cover everything into the pick up bed . Unfortunately , I had a bunch of small tarps that weren 't big enough , and one monster tarp . I think it was 30 X 40 . It was big enough to wrap everything 3 times over . But , we made due and loaded everything into the back , wrapped the tarp around it , and tied it down with an excessive number of bungy chords . Everything means three 50 pound bags , 2 boxes weighing about 50 pounds and a 3rd box weighing about 65 pounds . We also had 3 carry on bags and 3 " personal " bags . The boxes all met the dimensional requirements as stipulated by Continental Airlines . We have stretched the luggage allowances to the limit . We also have a short connector flight once we get to Ecuador with an airline called TAME . I wanted to make sure that we weren 't going to run into any luggage issues with them once we got there so we used a travel agent out of Florida that our friends Jack & Julia recommended . TAME 's website is in Spanish and we wanted to make sure we understood the requirements in order to minimize surprises . Our travel agent assured us that the size of our boxes met the dimensional requirements but warned us that there is a fee for any luggage over their weight limit which is 44 pounds each . Every kilogram over 44 pounds cost an extra 80 cents . Why they mix pounds and kilograms is beyond me . That means one of our 50 pound bags would be over 6 pounds or roughly 2 . 7 kilograms ( 1 kilogram = 2 . 20462262 lbs . ) over the limit . Multiply that time . 80 = $ 2 . 18 . If my math is correct and I understand the requirements , then no problem . After arguing with the GPS and getting directions from someone at the hotel we eventually made it to the hotel . I think it took us a couple of hours . But , we were there . After muscling all of the bags on to a cart , checking in and dropping the bags at the room we decided to grab a bite . We ate at the hotel restaurant and bought Tim dinner as a small token reward for his generosity . After dinner Tim headed back to NH and we headed to our hotel room to do some last minute reorganizing . In spite of months of meticulous planning , mostly done by Nani , we still had to bring a few things with us to the hotel that we hadn 't been able to cram into the boxes and bags . After about an hour Nani had it straightened out . We left a few nice pairs of jeans and some other miscellaneous items for room keeping . We woke up the next morning at 7 AM . We had a lot of luggage so we wanted to get down to the lobby early so we could make sure we could fit everything onto the airport shuttle . We showered , had some watered down hotel room coffee ( the kind you make in the miniature coffee pot ) , and headed down to the lobby about 7 : 45 for the 8 AM shuttle . We loaded all the luggage into the shuttle and waited a few minutes till it was time to depart and head to Logan Airport . The shuttle ride was about 15 minutes and once we arrived Nani went to look for a luggage cart while the driver , Dec , and I unloaded the luggage . I paid the driver a tip and thanked him while we waited for Nani . A few minutes went by and she showed up with a luggage cart that might hold half of our stuff , so she ran off to look for another cart while Dec and I crammed as much luggage onto the first cart as possible . A few minutes later Nani returned with a Skycap ( I think that 's what they 're called . Have no idea why , either . Okay I had to look it up , see inset below ) . He had a much bigger cart , so I took all the luggage off the first cart while Nani , Dec , and the Skycap helped to load the other bags and such . The Skycap wheeled us over to the line in front of the Continental Airline 's counter and we got in the queue . The wait wasn 't too bad and we eventually made it up to the ticket counter . The lady at the counter checked our ticket information in the computer , checked our passports , and weighed each bag as they were moved to the big conveyor belt behind the counter . At this moment we realized that we had one too many carry on bags . In the 3 months of planning , somehow we forgot to count the camera bag . We hoped no one would notice and carried on . Once the Skycap helped with the last bag I tipped him and we made our way to security . Going through security is like some sort of hurried , rushed dance . Grab a bin and put in on the conveyor . Take off my shoes and put them in the bin . Grab a bin and put in on the conveyor . Take out my laptop and put it in the bin . Grab a bin and put in on the conveyor . Take out Nani 's laptop and put it in the bin . Grab a bin and put in on the conveyor . Take any change out of my pocket and put it in a cup and put the cup in the bin . Take my cellphone out of my pocket and place it in the bin . Put all the bags on the conveyor . The entire time you 're trying to force feed everything through the x - ray machine . Occasionally , it gets indigestion and spits a back or bin back out . Once all your stuff makes it way into the x - ray machine you have to walk through a door - shaped metal detector just in case you 're packing . On the other side of the x - ray machine you get to do the exact same hurried , rushed dance , but this time backwards . All in all , security went pretty smooth . Except that one of Nani 's bags had our hard drives in them and the enforcers got a little worried with how it all looked on the x - ray boob tube . She had to take everything out of the bag , which like all our bags , was stuffed to the point of bursting . She eventually found the hard drives and showed them to a security lady to " prove " that they weren 't some sort of tool of the devil ( what a joke ) . Once Nani packed her bag back up we made our way to the gate . Boarding started about 30 minutes before the flight . Apparently all the security that we had to go through wasn 't enough and the TSA thugs arrived with a portable cart to " randomly " recheck certain passengers . I noticed that the only passenger they checked had brown skin and sort of looked Middle - Eastern . Hmmmm . Probably just a coincidence . We got a little assistance from the Universe on the extra carry on issue . Because the flight was booked and the airline decided to allow people to check a carry on for free if they wanted to . They where concerned that the overhead compartments would fill up and there would be a bunch of bags with no where to go . We took advantage of this offer and checked a bag . Now we where within the requirements for carry on bags once again . Looks like the camera will at least make it to Quito . We bordered on time and settled in for a 4 1 / 2 hour flight to Houston . We arrived in Houston on time . We decided to grab a bite to eat as we had 2 1 / 2 hours to kill before our flight to Quito departed . We ate in the food court and headed over to our gate to hang out . Our flight to Quito bordered & departed on time . Once again we had some time to kill . Unfortunately , I inadvertently left the book I was reading on the first plane . Doh ! I hate it when I do that ( yes , it 's happened before ) . 5 1 / 2 hours is a long time to stare at the seat in front of you so I watched the in - flight movie . It was Night at the Museum II , or something like that with Ben Stiller in it . It was okay , and besides , what else was I going to do . The rest of the time I tried to sleep , which never works out very well for me as I am 6 ' 3 " and plane seats are designed for someone about 5 ' 6 " . My head ends up falling forward , my mouth opens up , and once all the spit drools out it drys out like the Sierra Desert . Mike 's doing some volunteer work this morning - a great way to add life to one 's birthday when it 's supposed to be all about " me " . There 's a cultural festival going on nearly all day , and he 's helping set up . We don 't know how we 'll participate this afternoon , but it should be interesting . I 'm going to try to make a cake for him later today , so that should be interesting . Declan went down to answer the doorbell , Jenice was there , too . So , he climbs the staircase saying , " there 's a doctor downstairs to see you , Mom ! " just as I was snapping on some mammary support . Of course he 's here today . . . were in Ecuador ! Jenice looked a bit concerned , but I 'm not sure if it was because it was obvious he was trying to sell us something or because I was still in my pajama bottoms and barefoot , ready to venture off with this guy . I assured her we had spoken ( sort of ) before and I was in no way " buying " anything : No tengo dinero ! . She seemed comforted and went back upstairs , leaving me alone in the portico with Declan . So , of course , my protector understood his role and came down to escort us . I told Dr . Mg . Se . Angel Isaac Valarezo Palacio that I wanted to walk instead of drive . I hope he didn 't take offense . So , we walked down a few blocks , running into Lenin and saying hola to those we met . He was looking for the vegetarian restaurant owner who can speak some English , but he wasn 't there . His sister said he was out of the country . Fortunately , there was a Malaysian couple there having lunch ( which looked delicious ) and overheard our need for a translator . They 'd only been here for a year , but really love it and have picked up some Spanish . Her name is ( damned we meet too many people ) and his name is Kim . So , there you have it . I Googled his name today and found out he 's an ( ex - ? ) professor at one of the Loja colleges and is trying to sell these properties to boost eco - tourism in Ecuador . What a sweet guy . I wish we could see the properties with the intent to purchase and run something like that , but here we are . . . just being day to day . No grandiose plans . No money . No real worries . [ as an aside as to the synchronistic scenes all about . . . at BJ 's before we left , I noticed a Yamaha DGX630 with a stand and seat , weighted keys and pedal , in a box that would just fit the limits of weight and size , but I didn 't go with my intuition and buy it for later . Although Mike and Dec had been in that store before and looked around ( as men do ) they didn 't see ANY 88 - key keyboards . But this time , I noticed the very same box crammed into a corner of the store . Take that you non - believers . ] Anyway , I wanted to have a gander at the 2 " gringo " stores : SuperMaxi ( yeah , sounds like a feminine product ) and Todo Hogar ( everything for the home ) . All stores down here are small in comparison to the US , even these , as brightly lit , spaciously well - arranged and clean as they were . So , we hoofed it up the street from the center of the city to the strip mall that had these 2 stores , knowing fully well our only course of action , with bags in tow , would be to grab a taxi to take us to the taxi stand to wait for a taxi to take us back to Vilcabamba . Yes , that 's how it works , generally , if you want to pay $ 1 . 50 each ( Taxi Ruta ) . The bus is $ 1 , but I haven 't braved those waters as yet . It was 12pm , and I had my last bio - energy session scheduled for 3pm with Jan , Ken 's groovy wife ( she 's a blessing , she is ) . That might be cutting it close since even if we got in the Taxi Ruta right as we got there ( fat chance ) , it was still a 40 - minute death ride ( for the faint of heart ) to the center of Vilcabamba and another 10 minutes walk to Jan 's spa . Upon spying the wares and comparing them to my extensively prioritized list in Todo Hogar , I realized that there was no way I was leaving without the bare necessities : stainless steel cookware and a decent knife . So Mike made the call to Jan and she graciously offered a later spot at 5 : 30pm . Even in the back of my mind and out loud to Mike , I said maybe we should call a white truck taxi ( Taxi Mixto ) from Vilca to see if anyone can come get us here ( generally , $ 15 ) . We decided we wouldn 't buy that much and we 'd be able to muscle it back to the Taxi Ruta stop in time . But then . . . This beautiful older gentleman , turned and gave me a huge smile , shook my hand and pulled me in for a kiss on the check . . . not once , but twice . And all the while he was speaking very slowly in Spanish as if his pace would allow me to understand ( though much more pleasant that how most Americans address foreigners by raising their voice to get through ) . His suave metronome sucked me in even though I was looking out the corner of my eye for Mike . . . I was entranced and just being polite all at the same time , trying to grip a word or two out of the melange . And then I had it ! He had some property for sale . And I was stuck . Ignorant of how to express that even though I was an American , I AM FLAT BROKE . He continued to write down the information on a piece of paper . . . so sweetly trying to explain everything to me . And all I could do was reply , " si , si " . We exchanged contact info and he finally left with his stuff . 20 minutes ! What I thought he said was that he would be in Vilcabamba on Saturday for the cultural festival , and maybe we would see each other . Our parting landing a few more smooches on my cheek . I got my pan , after remembering my manners and asking after the clerk / owner . It was now 1 : 30pm and we had to leave or I would be late . But Mike had already made the call and let me know I could breathe a little . . . And then I saw it . The holy grail of food stores in Ecuador ( at least for a gringo ) . Before me lay the SuperMaxi of Loja . Imagine , meats wrapped in plastic , a deli counter , Oreo 's for God 's sake ! But my main goal was spices and some cleaning things . Not that it stopped me from dreaming . But we had no time . As we approached the front doors , Mike plopped our stuff from Todo Hogar ( including a box of stainless cookware - whoo hoo ! ) on the bench in front where some other gringos were waiting and chatting . I looked around and noticed that there was a Taxi Mixto ( white truck ) in the parking lot and greedily thought maybe we should make that call so I can SHOP ! But then again , I thought maybe just maybe we could find someone using one of those and split the fare back to Vilcabamba . After all , this is done here . And so as I entered the Wal - Mart of Ecuador , I saw Leila busy talking to the manager , and tada ! Sparkly thought lead to me asking Mike to talk to Leila about sharing a cab when she came out . I went back in on a mission to search and grab the main ingredients on my list . And I did pretty good until I saw the Oreo 's and deli . Check this nastiness out which I purchased just to show you how funny language can be . Yes , it says " diaria " . Google translates to " Daily Online " . I did not hit the deli , but I did buy a small piece of flat iron for dinner as a treat for us . Then as I rounded the corner I saw a cool woman poring over labels as Mike swept past me with Richard whom we met at a party a couple of weeks ago . Richard said they didn 't have enough room to fit us in , but that the woman I just saw was having Lenin pick her up at 2 : 30pm . So after some quick introductions , we were confirmed a ride back home with all our crap ! I thanked the universe and kept on shopping . I found spices and pasta , cleaning items and oils , shredded cheese and local , natural potato chips . I did grab a bag of Oreo 's which we still haven 't tapped into . I didn 't have much time , so I really didn 't load up as usual , especially when I really have to read labels and decipher the codes , putting some things back because there is not a less toxic version . Ah well . . . it 's all good in the end . I waited in line for about 20 minutes , seems the norm here . . . but there we were with our ride and new company to get to know . We met Lenin 's wife , Berta , a very sweet woman who knows where I can buy raw milk if I want . And we got to know Tamara from Switzerland . I 'd like to get to know her better , she seems fascinating .

Several years ago I turned my beautiful friend , Cathleen , on to the Mitford series written by Jan Karon . If you 've never read the series about the delightful Father Tim , you really must . When my friend Stephanie gave me book one , she said , " give it 80 pages . " Well , I didn 't need 80 pages . I had just finished a series on the apocalypse , so the light , refreshingly comical and sincerely poignant characters of Mitford were just what I needed ! I 've read the entire series twice and some books a third time ( Because you know , heading out the airport , so you grab an old favorite off of the shelf and stuff it in your carry on . 4 hours later , you 've read it for a third time or fourth time ! ) Anyway , I gave my friend Cathleen the first book for her birthday . Her husband emailed me a few days later , " Cathleen is on her way to Montana to see family . She asked me to tell you that she loves the book and she has instructed me to go online and order the rest of the books for her so she will have them up on her return home . " Yep … I knew she would love Mitford ! So , that Christmas I wanted to do something special for Cathleen but struggled to find the right gift . Then it dawned on me … Cathleen treated sweets very carefully . Being a very healthy and successful lifestyle coach , she only had sweets once in a while ; birthdays , holidays , etc . And when she had a sweet , she HAD sweet … none of this hold the whip ! She enjoyed every moment of her indulgence . So , I knew that for a very special day like Christmas , a sweet it had to be . And not just any sweet … it had to be … A quick search online yielded the famous recipe from one of Jan Karon 's most adorable characters , Edith Mallory . In the stories , Edith is known for creating this masterpiece … and for baking many at a time … and her famed cake almost put the hero of the series 6 feet under with a terrible sugar coma ( Father Tim is diabetic ) . The cake is legendary to Mitford and it 's gentle readers . So , I baked the cake . I managed to put a flower of some sort on top of it and put it in a clear plastic cake box . But I couldn 't just " give " Cathleen an orange marmalade cake . I mean … I had to do something else to make it even more special , right ? I wanted her to KNOW it was Edith 's cake . So , I did the unthinkable . I actually wrote Cathleen a letter from Edith Mallory to go with the cake . Why is that unthinkable ? Well , because no one can write Edith Mallory like the incomparable Jan Karon . But , I had to try . So , that night before the cake was revealed I gave Cathleen her gift . A simple , handwritten note . She opened it and began to read aloud . ( I wish I could put my hands on my copy of the letter but I have no idea where to find it . Should I actually find it some day I 'll update this post with it . ) Anyway , I remember that it went something like this : Dear Mrs . Frank , I cannot tell you how delighted I am that you have come to live in Mitford . The cottage on the corner of Church Street has been vacant far too long for my liking . I wondered when anyone would ever have the courage to take over the crazy rhodendron ! I like what you have done with the yard so far , and I can 't wait to see the rose beds in Spring . Lord 's Chapel is blessed to have you as a congregant . Though , I 'm not sure why you sit on the pentecostal side , but I understand to each his own , and all that . Wasn 't that Christmas potluck a humdinger ? Did you make the Swedish meatballs ? I thought those were wonderful , but could never figure out who brought them . I had plenty of that , as well as Father Tim 's scrumptious ham . I heard that you make amazing Heavenly Cranberry Oatmeal Bars . Will you be making those for the Primrose Tea ? I 'm partial to a lemon square , myself , but something with oatmeal can 't be half bad . Well , I 've gone on long enough . I don 't know how I have time to write such a lengthy note whilst there are Orange Marmalades to bake and deliver ! Which brings me to the purpose of this letter . Please accept this Christmas gift of one of my Orange Marmalade Cakes ( … cue my husband Todd , who walks around the corner with an Orange Marmalade Cake ) … I originally made it for Lew Boyd , but I dare say he seriously overcharged me for a break job a few weeks ago , and well , I 'm not over it . Anyway , this cake is lovingly yours . Enjoy . As Todd rounded the corner of the kitchen with Edith Mallory 's Orange Marmalade Cake in hand , Cathleen started to cry . I can 't remember if had EVER before ( or since ) given a gift that evoked such emotion . I was surprised and touched . She went on to say that it had been a very hard Christmas ( no , I had not known that ) and she felt like her holiday had somehow been hyjacked and that she was feeling so tired and grieved upon arriving at our home . And that this gift … this cake … made her feel that Christmas was restored . She too , had fallen in love with Mitford . And this cake - this little thing - made her feel connected to something and someone she loved . Imagine that a gift so simple could make someone feel restored . Wow . Oh yes , she didn 't want to " save " it for Christmas day or home … she wanted to eat it right then and there , to share it with us . That is Cathleen 's beautiful style . And so , we ate cake . And yes , it was AMAZING ! Many years have passed since the " Cake Christmas Eve " . And , actually , I do not spend time with Cathleen now . Not for any reason whatsoever that has to do with anything , but simply because life has moved us on to different places , and so being together is not easily accomplished nowadays . And that 's okay . I still feel deeply connected to her and her family . I would still bake her an Orange Marmalade Cake in a heartbeat if she asked me to . I miss her , but I know our lives are going in two different directions and some day we will reconnect , as true friends always do . But , back to that gift . What I wrote a few paragraphs back grabbed me … " Imagine a gift so simple that can make one feel restored . " Well , no need to imagine it . A simple gift … I don 't know how many people know your given name is Destiny Hope Cyrus , and that Miley Cyrus truly is just the name of the girl on the Disney show . Destiny . Hope . What a GREAT name . I think you should use it all the time , not just on your birth certificate and at family gatherings . It 's beautiful . Just like you . So , Destiny Hope , I have to admit that after I heard the buzz I ( I 'm a news junkie of sorts ) had to go to YouTube and check out your vid . And , I must admit again , that I , too , added a comment here or there on a few Facebook pages that were NOT to your credit . Please forgive me for that . I 'm opinionated and well , I enjoy tossing my hat into the rhetoric ring once in a while . The next day I began to really think about you , and the performance , and I realized that I had been participating in the UGLINESS ( Yea , that rhetoric FB ring thing ) . As I said , I 'm sorry about that , young lady . You are free to be who you are as a human being , an artist and a woman , without judgment from me . I realized upon later reflection after my two FB posts that I had been looking at you through eyes veiled with judgment , when I really should have been looking through my " Momma Eyes " and my " Artist Eyes . " See , I 'm a mom of a 23 - year - old man who has a 23 - year - old girlfriend who is part of the family . Many of my closest friends are moms to girls just your age … with dreams just as big . Young women trying , like you , to find their way in this big , crazy , fast - paced , over - sexed , over - commercialized , over - technical world . YIKES . It 's way scarier out there for you today than it was for me in 1987 , for sure ! And , I 'm an artist . Though now I teach special education to 10 - year olds , once upon a time I earned a vocal performance degree from a university in Oklahoma . I had BIG dreams of making it BIG as a singer . But now I find so much more joy in teaching little struggling readers and writers how to read and write . I just do the " music thing " on the side … weddings , funerals , etc . And , I have been a voice teacher for over 20 years . I 've heard a few voices here and there ! I do consider myself an expert , by the way . So , let me start out ( sorry for that seriously loooooooong introduction to my boring self ) seeing you through my artist eyes . When you were Hannah Montana , your show was on regularly in my home . Guess what ? My then 17 - year - old and then 3 - year - old were not the ones watching ! Nope . I was . That 's right … a 39 - year - old Momma tuned in every week to catch your cute little antics and hear your adorable voice . As a voice teacher I knew this was only the beginning for you vocally . I thought , " Wow . A young singer with that much going for her vocally is going to have a long career . " And I meant it . And I would say that you today , still . Your voice has a wonderful , dramatic ( and even edgy ) timbre to it . I love that about your voice . I would LOVE to hear you letting your voice SHINE just as it is ; a little raspy , a little sweet , a little sultry . Your voice is COOL , girlie . And you know where I 'm going here … you don 't need all the theatrics to be successful with your VOICE . It 's very good . Use it . Enjoy it . Don 't thrash it . Please don 't waste it . It 's a GREAT voice ! Now , through my Momma eyes . I 'm not the mom of girls , but I am a girl , so at least I have that going for me here . I am SO glad that the Internet was NOT part of my 20 's . I shudder to think of what I would have done or said online or in a video that might have UNDONE me . Sadly , we 've seen that recently , haven 't we ? Young , innocent girls going out to parties to have a little fun … drink too much ( of course , I ask why are underage kids drinking at parties , but I know that 's rhetorical at best ) and the next day there are pictures of them having sex with boys posted all over the Internet while they ( the girls ) are passed out . In at least two of those cases , those girls are gone . They 've committed suicide . So tragic . So horrifying that people use the Internet for such selfish horrific acts of violence and then those they damage end up dead . " Tragic " hardly describes it . And so via this amazing thing called the Internet , I caught your " act " . And guess what ? This middle - aged southern Momma could not see the art . I couldn 't find it anywhere . It made me sad . It just seemed so " not right " on so many levels . I saw this woman who is beautiful offering her gift to world as something entirely not beautiful ( at least in my view ) . Your mannerisms were odd , your face contorted and it was so dark and well , creepy ( and maybe that 's what you were going for ) . It looked like you were offering yourself to the world as an innocent lamb to the slaughter … as if you were saying , " I 'm a slave to this crazy world of Hollywood , false glamour and money and I 'm here not to take what I have earned by all my hard work , but to offer myself as a sacrifice on this vile alter of sex and greed and fear and desperation . " I know that sounds judgmental and harsh . I do not mean it to be so . You are LOVELY . Be LOVELY . Act LOVELY . I want to hear your great voice and see your amazing talent and yes , I want it to be LOVELY . I realize I don 't know you … I have no idea how you see yourself . But , I hope that you can or do see yourself as I , a completely detached stranger , have seen you for many years , as a treasure . I have a few different behavioral management techniques in place in my classroom . Teaching With Love & Logic by Jim Fay and David Funk is really the basis ( along with all the great behavioral classes I 've taken over the years ) for my approach . The focus is on shared responsibility in the classroom and delivering consequences with compassion . Knowing my students and letting them know that I know them goes a long a way . You can read more about that in my post The Top Ten Things . As my year progressed last year , as with every year actually , I had to change up the positive behavior support just a bit . I think the kids like it when I keep it interesting ! So , about two - thirds of the way through our year last year I instituted a new " thing " … Tea With Me ! Tea With Me is a positive behavior support in which I choose a different student to , you guessed it , have tea with me ! Typically , I draw a name from my stick box and that student gets to have tea with me . When I arrive in my classroom in the morning I brew the tea . I put it in a very pretty little tea pot and I have cute little tea cups in cute colors and a special plate for our breakfast cookies ! When : First thing in the morning ! As my other students are sitting at their desks doing their morning work , the Tea Student gets to skip the morning work and come sit with me for tea . What : I teach the student how to " serve " me the tea . They love that ! They choose the tea cup saucer / color they want and then hand me my cup . Then they pour the tea . I also teach them how to appropriately offer me a breakfast cookie . The breakfast cookie can be anything I happen to have on hand … cookies or granola bars cut in half , etc . The Dollar Tree in my town has actually very good , wholesome cookies for a buck ! So it doesn 't cost a lot to add the " breakfast cookie " and well , they think it 's very special . I also buy decorative napkins at the dollar store or from the sale bin at my local party store . They think the special napkins are also great ! The Talk : What do we talk about at Tea With Me ? Whatever the student has on his / her mind . We do not talk about behavior or performance . We talk about anything else , though . Often they direct the convo to sports , movies , siblings , parents , etc . And yes , sometimes something comes up that makes me aware of things going on at home . It 's very valuable information and helps me know where my student is " at " not on just that day but in that " season " . Do you know what I 've noticed about you ? This is the question I got from the Fay / Funk text . They call it the One Sentence Intervention . I weave the one sentence intervention into every single day for all of my kids , but I try to make sure to touch on it at Tea With Me . The student might say something about going camping or something and I 'll say , " You know , i 've noticed that about you … that you like to go camping . " That 's all you have to do . If you use those words , " I 've noticed something about you … " it goes a LONG way in building that relationship with that child . Clean Up is Special , too ! After " Tea " the student cleans up … they love doing this ! I get our morning greeting time started while the student goes and does the dishes . I don 't know if they like this because they get to play in the dishwater , or because they get to do something different than what everyone else does , but it doesn 't matter . They love it . It 's a GREAT way to start the day ! In the course of Tea with Me , all of my students got to have tea with me twice . And you know if I forgot a day they let me know about it ! And , I have successfully converted 3 hot tea drinkers ! One of my boys will drink 2 cups of tea ( raspberry herbal tea ) . I told his mom that and she said , " What ? My son drinks HOT tea ? Amazing ! " So , it not only encourages the student / teacher relationship , but helps build social skills and broadens the student 's culinary horizons . It 's a win / win / win ! ! ! ! What can you do that is special to you , which can become special to your students , too ? I 'm always drinking tea in class . They all knew long before I started Tea With Me that I was a hot tea drinker . I think this makes even more impact … " Mrs . Jager is including me in something she loves . " Perhaps none of them think this , or maybe some do , or they all do they just don 't know it , I 'm not sure , but I know that Tea With Me was very impacting in the ongoing development of my relationships with my students . I will definitely be doing this next year , too ! Oh wait … next year ? I mean next month … it 's almost here ! 2 more weeks ! I am a parent of a student on an IEP . I have sat across the table at at least 10 IEP meetings for Q ( my beautiful child with said IEP ) . He had the same teacher for 7 of those 10 IEP meetings . At our first meeting together she began the meeting with the PLOP ( Present Levels of Academic Performance ) . I 'll never forget what she wrote about him in the very first section , which highlighted his strengths , " Q is a very handsome and sweet boy … " to paraphrase she went on to describe his love of Thomas the Train , Hot Wheels , his determination to always be the " leader " and his affectionate ways toward his teachers . I was SO touched that this woman ( at that time a stranger to me ) thought my kid was " very handsome " and " sweet " . The fact that she knew his likes let me know she was paying attention … and that thing about leadership ? Well , that was a nice way of saying he was a bossy , challenging , pain - in - the - bottom handful ! I knew that , but I didn 't care . I LOVED the positive spin ! As a parent , especially in those early years when we didn 't really know what we were dealing with in the way of a bona fide disability , the IEP meetings were pretty scary to me . Only after 1st grade ( his 4th IEP ) did I begin to head into the meetings with confidence that he wouldn 't be belittled and I wouldn 't be judged for being a bad mother ( I was not an educator at that time ) . Of course , as educators we know that we should not , and hopefully do not , pass judgments on our parents and if we struggle with that , well an official school meeting is not the place to make such thoughts known . Actually , if you honestly judge your parents in the recesses of your mind it is best to leave the judgment there , or confide it only in someone completely removed from the school district , classroom and your social circles . As an educator I have probably now led about 30 IEP meetings ( that 's a drop in the bucket to a 25 year educator who has probably lead 2500 meetings ) . At my meetings have been advocates , parents , grand parents , guardians , siblings , translators , family counselors and district leaders . I 've had a few meetings wherein no one came to represent the student . 30 IEP meetings do not make me an expert , but I think being a parent gives me a specific insight . So , when I set out to set up my IEP meetings , I followed the wonderful example of my son 's teacher of several years ( Kristin Jacobson , the BEST teacher ever ) and then added my own spin . Here 's my advice : Be Positive ! FIRST and foremost keep it positive . There may be disheartening news you have to share . If you can find a way , share it in a positive light . I try to avoid the words , " no , not , does not " in IEP meetings . Instead of saying " he does not do " I might say , " He struggles with … " . These are basic diplomatic skills . Which brings me to … Be Diplomatic ! Avoid using blaming language or judgmental statements . Be open - minded to the idea that this process is as much of a learning curve for the parent as it is for you or the student . Parents may or may not do a lot of research . They may or may not use an advocate . They may have a ton of knowledge , or like me in the beginning of our journey , have none . They may be hanging on your every word for a ray of hope . Keep your words " hopeful . " Speaking of being hopeful , let me add … . Be Compassionate ! Your parents may not be fully aware of their child 's challenges . I know that my husband and I had no idea how extensive our son 's challenges were at first . He was 19 months but had the skills of an 8 month old . Because I 'd never had a child before , I didn 't realize how far behind he was . That information was a blow to my husband when it was delivered . I had suspected pretty bad news , but my husband was really thrown for a loop . He grieved over that one statement for a few days . Consider that your assessment reports and behavior analysis may be a shock to the parent , or may confirm their worst fears . Some of them sit across from you with no hope for the future . Some of them do not know what to do or where to turn . Some of them are in complete denial . Some of them have suspected for some time that something was different about their child , but didn 't know until that moment in the IEP when you confirmed it . Believe me , I 've held back tears in an IEP . I remember thinking in his 2nd IEP ( when he was just 3 ) , " Hold it together , Natalie . Don 't cry . Don 't cry . " I held it together . After the meeting I wept all the way to daycare to pick up my child . I cried most of the weekend . I was just coming to terms with how frightened I was for his future . Fear , hopelessness , uncertainty , and even anger , may rear their ugly heads at your IEP meetings . Be ready for that . If your parent is displaying any of those feelings then know it is not a reflection on you , but all about what the parent and child are facing . Give your Parents the Benefit of the Doubt When You Can . I 've said it before ; you are a mandated reporter so it 's always best to err on the side of the child . If you suspect abuse , report it . Period . But , also , don 't be quick to assume your parent is lying in an IEP . Admittedly , after a few years with a lying parent , you do figure it out . When there is a whole lot of talk but no action , you may wonder . But always give the benefit of the doubt when you can . When Q was in Kindergarten his teacher asked us what we did to discipline him when he melted down and emptied the contents of the bookshelf all over the room . WHAT ? ! We had NEVER EVER witnessed that kind of behavior at home . So , when a parent says to me , " He never does that at home , " well , yep , I often believe it . In our case school was entirely more rigorous than home . He still had very little language . At home he didn 't need language , even though we were trying to force him to need language by not meeting his needs unless he spoke them . The bottom line was that he felt safe at home , as he should have and as we would have hoped he would feel . When the rigor of the classroom took its ' toll , he took it out on the bookshelves , unfortunately for sweet Mrs . Jacobson ! Long story short , a behavioral analysis and a sensory diet went a long way as well as Todd & I making home more rigorous , while maintaining the safety and respite it provided to our son . Oh , and time was on our side . He flourished over time with the right positive behavior supports . But I digress , in that positive behavior supports is for another blog entry . Back to the IEP … . Student at a Glance ! This is a picture of the first thing I hand a parent at an IEP meeting . I print it up in color on an 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper . My hope is that they take it home and put in on the fridge as a reminder to the whole family how special and important their child is . When the parent walks into the room , this picture is on my Smartbaord , front & center of the meeting . It 's up there in " life sized " style . I want to make an impact on the parent , a positive one . I hope this does it . You 'll notice there is no negative word on this document anywhere . Instead of writing , for example , " Does not like to do tasks he thinks are too hard " I wrote , " Avoids tasks he thinks are too hard . " And instead of saying , " talks to much " I wrote , " Areas to Develop : maintaining a quiet voice in class . " Believe me , a parent of a child who has the need to vocalize constantly does not need me telling them , " Your child has to vocalize constantly . " They know it . But if I say , " working on maintaining a quiet voice in class " that implies I know it , they know it , and this is what their child and I are doing about it . It 's proactive . Instead of using " Strengths and Weaknesses " I chose to focus on " Strengths and Areas to Improve " . Yep , they might be weaknesses today but the reality is that given time they can be areas of improvement . They might even become strengths someday ! I also include a section on the Positive Behavior Support system I have in place . This gives me an opportunity to reinforce what I am doing in class . Notice that this student is 50 stars behind the class average , but at least he is actually earning stars . I focus on what he is earning and not how far behind he is . This particular student ( name and picture have been changed from the actual student ) had just come from general ed to my SDC . I had had him for almost a year when I had his IEP and had the first opportunity to meet his family . His mother came in stoic and unemotional . By the end of the meeting she told me , " At all of his other meetings all we heard about was how hard he had been . How he had to move all the time and make noise and cause trouble . You are the first teacher to notice all the things that make him special , the things we love about him . Thank you . " The next day was Valentine 's Day . He proudly came in with a really cute , big teddy bear for me and a note that read , " I love you , Mrs . Jager . " Ahhhhh … . That 's one reason I do what I do ! Now , in general ed defense , a student like this little guy in a classroom with 35 other students and a general education teacher possibly not equipped for his diverse needs ( or certainly without the support of a classroom aide ) , might convey some things to the parents that are perceived by the parents as negative . If he is behaving completely opposite of everyone else and making it impossible for others to learn , then that is what the gen ed teacher has to report . The other teachers may not have said anything negative … perhaps the parents just perceived it as such . It was a different educational setting … it was more restrictive to him and his needs as opposed to my class , which is his least restrictive environment . Of course he 's going to fair better behaviorally in my room with sensory input , access to frequent breaks , an appropriate workload , specialized academic instruction and a focus on small groups . So , my meeting would appear to be more positive and to the parent may seem more productive . In Summary ! Look for the good stuff . Find it . Dig . If you look hard enough and long enough you will find a lot of positive things to put on your student 's " At A Glance . " I am not perfect by any stretch . I do not always keep it 100 % positive . I have had a few students that I liked a lot , but could not reach . Keeping their IEP positive was a challenge . But I keep trying ! Every day students earn stars on a star board . Stars are given by me and my classroom para - professionals for good choices . Students following our classroom " norms " ( I use norms as opposed to rules ) will earn 5 to 10 stars per day . They are given out for : With every 50 additional stars they get to choose an iron - on patch from my pocket chart . I order the patches at wholesale prices from Uniport Industries ( just tell them you are a teacher and they 'll set you up as a wholesaler ) . I buy a $ 5 pack of 25 patches that are themed from Uniport . It 's a great deal ! Though I am no longer in my " first year " of teaching , I still remember those " first year " lessons so well . Here are my " Top 10 " to encourage you whether you are in your first year , or your twenty - fifth year . You may respond , " Really ? " or you may respond , " Don 't I know it ! " Be Friendly , Not Familiar - this was the most important lesson I think I learned early in my teaching career . How did I learn it ? In the WORST possible way when a parent " called me out " . And she SHOULD have . Thanks to her I learned a valuable lesson that will last me all of my teaching career . I had made ignorant assumptions , shared information about her and her family ( that I thought was public ) to another parent , and word got around . Oh my ! I loved these parents , and I loved their kids . I would in no way , ever , gossip about them . Yet , that is exactly what I did . I needed that " slap " on the hand . She wasn 't gentle about it , but she was gracious and immediately forgiving . I thank God for her and this lesson every day ! When I say , be friendly , I mean it . It 's okay to be friends with your parents , but you must also embrace the boundary that exists between parent and teacher . Be friends . Be friendly . But don 't assume you are part of the family . You aren 't . Whatever your student 's family has going on is NONE of your business , even if they share it . You may have to hold on to information that makes you uncomfortable , but remember , it 's never your information to share with anyone . Of course you are a mandated reporter , so if you think something is going on that is harmful to your student , call CPS immediately . The TOP 2 - Memorize this . TOP 2 . TOP 2 . TOP 2 . I learned this valuable lesson from my first principal ( thank goodness , she was a GREAT leader ) . She would say to me , " Natalie , what are the top 2 things you need to take care of today ? " I would tell her . And she would reply , " Do those 2 things and then go home . " Were there some things that did not get done ? YES . Did my students learn and grow ? YES . Did I do everything that year I wanted ? NO . Did my students make progress on their IEP goals ? YES . Did we make living math journals ? NO . Did we learn math facts ? YES . Did learning happen ? YES . But did I do it all ? NO . I had to learn to let go . Yes , there are a million fruitful , engaging and super FUN things I can do in my room . No , I can 't do a million of them . Nor can I do a hundred of them . Maybe , if I 'm lucky , I 'll do 10 of them in a year . Wait , maybe 5 . I mean , let 's be realistic ! But you can be sure that I will meet every IEP timeline , document progress on every goal and make a deep , meaningful connection to each student every day . Well , most days . I mean , I am the weather system . On occasion I do have a cloudy day . Relationship Counts More than Anything During my first year of teaching I began working on my masters degree . It was a little quick , granted , but I 'm an " older " first year teacher and I wanted , and needed , to get it accomplished . As a parent , I read a book titled , Parenting with Love and Logic . Upon further research , I discovered the authors had also written books on teaching with love and logic . I applied their approaches to my room on day one . Granted , it has taken , and will continue to take time , for me to fully embrace shared responsiblity and mutual respect in the classroom , but I get better at it each year . My master 's thesis was about " The Power of One , " a principle I learned from the Love & Logic reading . That first year , every single day , I would make my rounds during morning work . I would get on each student 's level and shake their hand , look him / her in the eye and say , " Do you know what I notice about you ? " and then I would share with them one very simple observation that was unrelated to performance . ( Ie . I 've noticed you like to play soccer at recess . ) Pretty soon the students were telling me , " Mrs . Jager , do you know what I 've noticed about you ? " or they would say , " Mrs . Jager , could you notice today that I like math ? " I saw behavior , in - class effort , and turned - in homework statistics go UP . Then , I looped with my students the next year , and even a year later some were still saying to me , " Mrs . Jager , would you notice something about me today ? I would really like that if you did . " My principal once shared with me that my " effect " with the kids is what she believed made me an effective teacher . That " effect " is birthed out of the relationship . I am the weather … my students want to be affected by our relationship . They look to me to be in their corner . Loose the Power Struggles - That 's right . Give them up . Don 't go there . If your student comes in every day and slams the door , and you say , " Stop slamming the door , " then rest assured that everyday he will walk in and slam that door . Two options : ignore the slamming door . Your response to the slamming door only encourages him to keep slamming . But if you ignore , his power is gone . Or , option 2 , give him a different direction . Instead of waiting to respond to the slammed door , tell him to slam it . When he walks in say , " Make sure you slam that door today . " In that way you are sharing the responsiblity and once empowered to slam the door , he will stop slamming . You are not weak if you let your students perceive they are winning a power struggle . For some students , it might give them the sense of control they do not get at home . Feed Them - One of the biggest reasons that students come in and do not get started on work first thing in the morning is that " effective filter . " The effective filter could be anything that is going on with them that day . Perhaps their parents fought the night before … maybe a family member is sick . Perhaps someone they care about has had to leave them . They might be concerned that there is no food in the house . Think about all the things that you go to work carrying in the back of your mind , the things that move to the front , the things that you are worried about . Your students have the same filter in place . One of the quickest ways to get a student engaged in learning is to literally feed them FOOD . Honestly , I 'm not fond of being a cafeteria , and I 'd love to just say , " Mom didn 't feed you ? Oh well , guess you 'll eat tomorrow when you decide you don 't like to be hungry . " It 's not that black and white . There may not be any food at home . There may not be food your student can access on her own . Often in the morning my son is just not hungry , but I hover and I coach and I say , " take a bite , please " until I see at least half of his breakfast is off the plate and in his tummy . But not all parents do that . If a student comes in hungry they are not prepared to learn . Instead of asking a student , " did you have breakfast " which could imply there is no food at home , I simply ask , " Are you hungry ? " I put out a few coffee filters ( they are cheap and recyclable ) and add a cup of cheerios or chex cereal . Any student that is hungry can have a serving . Our cafeteria also gives away milk that goes untouched after served , so my classroom aides bring back 2 or 3 cartons of milk each day that I keep in my classroom refrigerator . Student can quietly feed themselves at their desk while doing morning work . Always have Something for Students To Do - It actually took me two years to really put this into action . There are some students who simply cannot be idle . You can 't just say to every child who finishes their work early , " Go get a book . " For some , a book is not engaging enough to keep their behavior managed . Put folders together with activities in them . Have both easy ( coloring page ) and challenging ( word search or math problem worksheet ) extra work ready to go . I have " File Folder " games set up and in brightly colored drawers . My students all know if they finish before others they can go get a book , a file folder activity , or a worksheet . Some of my most challenging behaviors come from students that like to be busy . When they are idle is when the behaviors get challenging . Keep them challenged to keep the challenging behaviors at bay . Let Your Students " Motor " - My husband is a busy bee . He cannot be idle . He cannot sit and watch a movie . He 's just wired that way . Some of my students are just like him . For those students I have motoring activities ready to go . I have a mini trampoline outside of my room . Students can grab the 3 minute sand timer and go right out the door at any time they feel they need to ( using a " break card " to ask permission ) and jump it out . Sometimes I have one student run down to the tree and back ( yes , running in the hall , oh my ! Our halls are " outdoor " but it 's still the hall . ) . I also have gallon milk jugs that are half - full of sand . I put a cute picture of a zebra on them . Some students want to take the jug to another room . That teacher and I set it up so that the milk jugs travel back and forth all day . If a student is having a tough time focusing or managing emotions I ask , " Do you want to take the Zebra jug to Room 7 for me ? " The answer is always " yes ! " And then sometime during the day , a student from Room 7 will deliver a Zebra jug to my room . Other motoring activities include : a Sit - n - Spin located in my hallway , watering the plants , an activity choice board where a student can choose jumping jacks , yoga moves , or taking the tardy slips to the office . This also eliminates the " time out " which is a term we do not use in our district . Rather than putting a child in " time out " I send a child on an errand . They feel useful and fulfilled and no one has had the humiliation of separation . Not to mention , when a student changes her physical state , she also changes her emotional one . Sometimes it 's a subtle change , but even a subtle change is enough to get her back on track . Let your Students " Stand " - I have a standing area in the back of my room with a tall table ( a music stand would also work but I do not have one of those ) . If a student wants to stand during instruction , I allow him . Why bother with that power struggle ? Not everyone can be seated for long or even short periods of time ( my husband , for example ) . I , myself , struggle with this when I attend trainings . I like to stand and move around some during sessions . If a student asks appropriately , I allow them to stand at the table in the back . Power struggle is eliminated , their feelings and needs are managed and learning can continue . Ignore , ignore , ignore Perhaps you may have heard the term ' Praise the best , ignore the rest . ' For the most part this is true . Obviously , you are not going to ignore a chair flying past your head , but you can ignore the student that is humming and you can teach your students to ignore it also . This was such a hard lesson for me to learn , but what happens if you don 't ignore bad behavior is that the behavior followed by your reaction eventually becomes a classroom habit . Joey knows ( not his real name ) that the minute he starts vocalizing , Mrs . Smith ( not her real name ) is going to correct him . He then has successfully gotten her attention . And because he enjoys getting a reaction from people , he has met his own need of control . It 's horrible . IGNORE . Warning … once you start to ignore the behavior will escalate because Joey will then act our more to try to get you to respond . Keep him and the other people in your room safe , and ignore as best you can . Eventually he will give up . He will ! Remind Yourself that you are Doing a GREAT Job ! If you are teaching full - time , remind yourself that you are doing a great job . You are . No one else in the world can do what you do the way you do it . It is not trite to say that you are impacting students lives every sing day . You are . It 's not trite to say that you are making a difference . You are . It 's okay to feel a sense of accomplishment about that because it is true . And yes , you did earn it . You took the classes , added the certifications , took more classes , attended in - services , collaborated with colleagues , took more classes , cleared your credential , took the behavior classes , and added another credential . You can teach people to read , for heaven 's sake . What you do is noble and worthy . Be proud of it !

Several years ago I turned my beautiful friend , Cathleen , on to the Mitford series written by Jan Karon . If you 've never read the series about the delightful Father Tim , you really must . When my friend Stephanie gave me book one , she said , " give it 80 pages . " Well , I didn 't need 80 pages . I had just finished a series on the apocalypse , so the light , refreshingly comical and sincerely poignant characters of Mitford were just what I needed ! I 've read the entire series twice and some books a third time ( Because you know , heading out the airport , so you grab an old favorite off of the shelf and stuff it in your carry on . 4 hours later , you 've read it for a third time or fourth time ! ) Anyway , I gave my friend Cathleen the first book for her birthday . Her husband emailed me a few days later , " Cathleen is on her way to Montana to see family . She asked me to tell you that she loves the book and she has instructed me to go online and order the rest of the books for her so she will have them up on her return home . " Yep … I knew she would love Mitford ! So , that Christmas I wanted to do something special for Cathleen but struggled to find the right gift . Then it dawned on me … Cathleen treated sweets very carefully . Being a very healthy and successful lifestyle coach , she only had sweets once in a while ; birthdays , holidays , etc . And when she had a sweet , she HAD sweet … none of this hold the whip ! She enjoyed every moment of her indulgence . So , I knew that for a very special day like Christmas , a sweet it had to be . And not just any sweet … it had to be … A quick search online yielded the famous recipe from one of Jan Karon 's most adorable characters , Edith Mallory . In the stories , Edith is known for creating this masterpiece … and for baking many at a time … and her famed cake almost put the hero of the series 6 feet under with a terrible sugar coma ( Father Tim is diabetic ) . The cake is legendary to Mitford and it 's gentle readers . So , I baked the cake . I managed to put a flower of some sort on top of it and put it in a clear plastic cake box . But I couldn 't just " give " Cathleen an orange marmalade cake . I mean … I had to do something else to make it even more special , right ? I wanted her to KNOW it was Edith 's cake . So , I did the unthinkable . I actually wrote Cathleen a letter from Edith Mallory to go with the cake . Why is that unthinkable ? Well , because no one can write Edith Mallory like the incomparable Jan Karon . But , I had to try . So , that night before the cake was revealed I gave Cathleen her gift . A simple , handwritten note . She opened it and began to read aloud . ( I wish I could put my hands on my copy of the letter but I have no idea where to find it . Should I actually find it some day I 'll update this post with it . ) Anyway , I remember that it went something like this : Dear Mrs . Frank , I cannot tell you how delighted I am that you have come to live in Mitford . The cottage on the corner of Church Street has been vacant far too long for my liking . I wondered when anyone would ever have the courage to take over the crazy rhodendron ! I like what you have done with the yard so far , and I can 't wait to see the rose beds in Spring . Lord 's Chapel is blessed to have you as a congregant . Though , I 'm not sure why you sit on the pentecostal side , but I understand to each his own , and all that . Wasn 't that Christmas potluck a humdinger ? Did you make the Swedish meatballs ? I thought those were wonderful , but could never figure out who brought them . I had plenty of that , as well as Father Tim 's scrumptious ham . I heard that you make amazing Heavenly Cranberry Oatmeal Bars . Will you be making those for the Primrose Tea ? I 'm partial to a lemon square , myself , but something with oatmeal can 't be half bad . Well , I 've gone on long enough . I don 't know how I have time to write such a lengthy note whilst there are Orange Marmalades to bake and deliver ! Which brings me to the purpose of this letter . Please accept this Christmas gift of one of my Orange Marmalade Cakes ( … cue my husband Todd , who walks around the corner with an Orange Marmalade Cake ) … I originally made it for Lew Boyd , but I dare say he seriously overcharged me for a break job a few weeks ago , and well , I 'm not over it . Anyway , this cake is lovingly yours . Enjoy . As Todd rounded the corner of the kitchen with Edith Mallory 's Orange Marmalade Cake in hand , Cathleen started to cry . I can 't remember if had EVER before ( or since ) given a gift that evoked such emotion . I was surprised and touched . She went on to say that it had been a very hard Christmas ( no , I had not known that ) and she felt like her holiday had somehow been hyjacked and that she was feeling so tired and grieved upon arriving at our home . And that this gift … this cake … made her feel that Christmas was restored . She too , had fallen in love with Mitford . And this cake - this little thing - made her feel connected to something and someone she loved . Imagine that a gift so simple could make someone feel restored . Wow . Oh yes , she didn 't want to " save " it for Christmas day or home … she wanted to eat it right then and there , to share it with us . That is Cathleen 's beautiful style . And so , we ate cake . And yes , it was AMAZING ! Many years have passed since the " Cake Christmas Eve " . And , actually , I do not spend time with Cathleen now . Not for any reason whatsoever that has to do with anything , but simply because life has moved us on to different places , and so being together is not easily accomplished nowadays . And that 's okay . I still feel deeply connected to her and her family . I would still bake her an Orange Marmalade Cake in a heartbeat if she asked me to . I miss her , but I know our lives are going in two different directions and some day we will reconnect , as true friends always do . But , back to that gift . What I wrote a few paragraphs back grabbed me … " Imagine a gift so simple that can make one feel restored . " Well , no need to imagine it . A simple gift … I don 't know how many people know your given name is Destiny Hope Cyrus , and that Miley Cyrus truly is just the name of the girl on the Disney show . Destiny . Hope . What a GREAT name . I think you should use it all the time , not just on your birth certificate and at family gatherings . It 's beautiful . Just like you . So , Destiny Hope , I have to admit that after I heard the buzz I ( I 'm a news junkie of sorts ) had to go to YouTube and check out your vid . And , I must admit again , that I , too , added a comment here or there on a few Facebook pages that were NOT to your credit . Please forgive me for that . I 'm opinionated and well , I enjoy tossing my hat into the rhetoric ring once in a while . The next day I began to really think about you , and the performance , and I realized that I had been participating in the UGLINESS ( Yea , that rhetoric FB ring thing ) . As I said , I 'm sorry about that , young lady . You are free to be who you are as a human being , an artist and a woman , without judgment from me . I realized upon later reflection after my two FB posts that I had been looking at you through eyes veiled with judgment , when I really should have been looking through my " Momma Eyes " and my " Artist Eyes . " See , I 'm a mom of a 23 - year - old man who has a 23 - year - old girlfriend who is part of the family . Many of my closest friends are moms to girls just your age … with dreams just as big . Young women trying , like you , to find their way in this big , crazy , fast - paced , over - sexed , over - commercialized , over - technical world . YIKES . It 's way scarier out there for you today than it was for me in 1987 , for sure ! And , I 'm an artist . Though now I teach special education to 10 - year olds , once upon a time I earned a vocal performance degree from a university in Oklahoma . I had BIG dreams of making it BIG as a singer . But now I find so much more joy in teaching little struggling readers and writers how to read and write . I just do the " music thing " on the side … weddings , funerals , etc . And , I have been a voice teacher for over 20 years . I 've heard a few voices here and there ! I do consider myself an expert , by the way . So , let me start out ( sorry for that seriously loooooooong introduction to my boring self ) seeing you through my artist eyes . When you were Hannah Montana , your show was on regularly in my home . Guess what ? My then 17 - year - old and then 3 - year - old were not the ones watching ! Nope . I was . That 's right … a 39 - year - old Momma tuned in every week to catch your cute little antics and hear your adorable voice . As a voice teacher I knew this was only the beginning for you vocally . I thought , " Wow . A young singer with that much going for her vocally is going to have a long career . " And I meant it . And I would say that you today , still . Your voice has a wonderful , dramatic ( and even edgy ) timbre to it . I love that about your voice . I would LOVE to hear you letting your voice SHINE just as it is ; a little raspy , a little sweet , a little sultry . Your voice is COOL , girlie . And you know where I 'm going here … you don 't need all the theatrics to be successful with your VOICE . It 's very good . Use it . Enjoy it . Don 't thrash it . Please don 't waste it . It 's a GREAT voice ! Now , through my Momma eyes . I 'm not the mom of girls , but I am a girl , so at least I have that going for me here . I am SO glad that the Internet was NOT part of my 20 's . I shudder to think of what I would have done or said online or in a video that might have UNDONE me . Sadly , we 've seen that recently , haven 't we ? Young , innocent girls going out to parties to have a little fun … drink too much ( of course , I ask why are underage kids drinking at parties , but I know that 's rhetorical at best ) and the next day there are pictures of them having sex with boys posted all over the Internet while they ( the girls ) are passed out . In at least two of those cases , those girls are gone . They 've committed suicide . So tragic . So horrifying that people use the Internet for such selfish horrific acts of violence and then those they damage end up dead . " Tragic " hardly describes it . And so via this amazing thing called the Internet , I caught your " act " . And guess what ? This middle - aged southern Momma could not see the art . I couldn 't find it anywhere . It made me sad . It just seemed so " not right " on so many levels . I saw this woman who is beautiful offering her gift to world as something entirely not beautiful ( at least in my view ) . Your mannerisms were odd , your face contorted and it was so dark and well , creepy ( and maybe that 's what you were going for ) . It looked like you were offering yourself to the world as an innocent lamb to the slaughter … as if you were saying , " I 'm a slave to this crazy world of Hollywood , false glamour and money and I 'm here not to take what I have earned by all my hard work , but to offer myself as a sacrifice on this vile alter of sex and greed and fear and desperation . " I know that sounds judgmental and harsh . I do not mean it to be so . You are LOVELY . Be LOVELY . Act LOVELY . I want to hear your great voice and see your amazing talent and yes , I want it to be LOVELY . I realize I don 't know you … I have no idea how you see yourself . But , I hope that you can or do see yourself as I , a completely detached stranger , have seen you for many years , as a treasure . I have a few different behavioral management techniques in place in my classroom . Teaching With Love & Logic by Jim Fay and David Funk is really the basis ( along with all the great behavioral classes I 've taken over the years ) for my approach . The focus is on shared responsibility in the classroom and delivering consequences with compassion . Knowing my students and letting them know that I know them goes a long a way . You can read more about that in my post The Top Ten Things . As my year progressed last year , as with every year actually , I had to change up the positive behavior support just a bit . I think the kids like it when I keep it interesting ! So , about two - thirds of the way through our year last year I instituted a new " thing " … Tea With Me ! Tea With Me is a positive behavior support in which I choose a different student to , you guessed it , have tea with me ! Typically , I draw a name from my stick box and that student gets to have tea with me . When I arrive in my classroom in the morning I brew the tea . I put it in a very pretty little tea pot and I have cute little tea cups in cute colors and a special plate for our breakfast cookies ! When : First thing in the morning ! As my other students are sitting at their desks doing their morning work , the Tea Student gets to skip the morning work and come sit with me for tea . What : I teach the student how to " serve " me the tea . They love that ! They choose the tea cup saucer / color they want and then hand me my cup . Then they pour the tea . I also teach them how to appropriately offer me a breakfast cookie . The breakfast cookie can be anything I happen to have on hand … cookies or granola bars cut in half , etc . The Dollar Tree in my town has actually very good , wholesome cookies for a buck ! So it doesn 't cost a lot to add the " breakfast cookie " and well , they think it 's very special . I also buy decorative napkins at the dollar store or from the sale bin at my local party store . They think the special napkins are also great ! The Talk : What do we talk about at Tea With Me ? Whatever the student has on his / her mind . We do not talk about behavior or performance . We talk about anything else , though . Often they direct the convo to sports , movies , siblings , parents , etc . And yes , sometimes something comes up that makes me aware of things going on at home . It 's very valuable information and helps me know where my student is " at " not on just that day but in that " season " . Do you know what I 've noticed about you ? This is the question I got from the Fay / Funk text . They call it the One Sentence Intervention . I weave the one sentence intervention into every single day for all of my kids , but I try to make sure to touch on it at Tea With Me . The student might say something about going camping or something and I 'll say , " You know , i 've noticed that about you … that you like to go camping . " That 's all you have to do . If you use those words , " I 've noticed something about you … " it goes a LONG way in building that relationship with that child . Clean Up is Special , too ! After " Tea " the student cleans up … they love doing this ! I get our morning greeting time started while the student goes and does the dishes . I don 't know if they like this because they get to play in the dishwater , or because they get to do something different than what everyone else does , but it doesn 't matter . They love it . It 's a GREAT way to start the day ! In the course of Tea with Me , all of my students got to have tea with me twice . And you know if I forgot a day they let me know about it ! And , I have successfully converted 3 hot tea drinkers ! One of my boys will drink 2 cups of tea ( raspberry herbal tea ) . I told his mom that and she said , " What ? My son drinks HOT tea ? Amazing ! " So , it not only encourages the student / teacher relationship , but helps build social skills and broadens the student 's culinary horizons . It 's a win / win / win ! ! ! ! What can you do that is special to you , which can become special to your students , too ? I 'm always drinking tea in class . They all knew long before I started Tea With Me that I was a hot tea drinker . I think this makes even more impact … " Mrs . Jager is including me in something she loves . " Perhaps none of them think this , or maybe some do , or they all do they just don 't know it , I 'm not sure , but I know that Tea With Me was very impacting in the ongoing development of my relationships with my students . I will definitely be doing this next year , too ! Oh wait … next year ? I mean next month … it 's almost here ! 2 more weeks ! I am a parent of a student on an IEP . I have sat across the table at at least 10 IEP meetings for Q ( my beautiful child with said IEP ) . He had the same teacher for 7 of those 10 IEP meetings . At our first meeting together she began the meeting with the PLOP ( Present Levels of Academic Performance ) . I 'll never forget what she wrote about him in the very first section , which highlighted his strengths , " Q is a very handsome and sweet boy … " to paraphrase she went on to describe his love of Thomas the Train , Hot Wheels , his determination to always be the " leader " and his affectionate ways toward his teachers . I was SO touched that this woman ( at that time a stranger to me ) thought my kid was " very handsome " and " sweet " . The fact that she knew his likes let me know she was paying attention … and that thing about leadership ? Well , that was a nice way of saying he was a bossy , challenging , pain - in - the - bottom handful ! I knew that , but I didn 't care . I LOVED the positive spin ! As a parent , especially in those early years when we didn 't really know what we were dealing with in the way of a bona fide disability , the IEP meetings were pretty scary to me . Only after 1st grade ( his 4th IEP ) did I begin to head into the meetings with confidence that he wouldn 't be belittled and I wouldn 't be judged for being a bad mother ( I was not an educator at that time ) . Of course , as educators we know that we should not , and hopefully do not , pass judgments on our parents and if we struggle with that , well an official school meeting is not the place to make such thoughts known . Actually , if you honestly judge your parents in the recesses of your mind it is best to leave the judgment there , or confide it only in someone completely removed from the school district , classroom and your social circles . As an educator I have probably now led about 30 IEP meetings ( that 's a drop in the bucket to a 25 year educator who has probably lead 2500 meetings ) . At my meetings have been advocates , parents , grand parents , guardians , siblings , translators , family counselors and district leaders . I 've had a few meetings wherein no one came to represent the student . 30 IEP meetings do not make me an expert , but I think being a parent gives me a specific insight . So , when I set out to set up my IEP meetings , I followed the wonderful example of my son 's teacher of several years ( Kristin Jacobson , the BEST teacher ever ) and then added my own spin . Here 's my advice : Be Positive ! FIRST and foremost keep it positive . There may be disheartening news you have to share . If you can find a way , share it in a positive light . I try to avoid the words , " no , not , does not " in IEP meetings . Instead of saying " he does not do " I might say , " He struggles with … " . These are basic diplomatic skills . Which brings me to … Be Diplomatic ! Avoid using blaming language or judgmental statements . Be open - minded to the idea that this process is as much of a learning curve for the parent as it is for you or the student . Parents may or may not do a lot of research . They may or may not use an advocate . They may have a ton of knowledge , or like me in the beginning of our journey , have none . They may be hanging on your every word for a ray of hope . Keep your words " hopeful . " Speaking of being hopeful , let me add … . Be Compassionate ! Your parents may not be fully aware of their child 's challenges . I know that my husband and I had no idea how extensive our son 's challenges were at first . He was 19 months but had the skills of an 8 month old . Because I 'd never had a child before , I didn 't realize how far behind he was . That information was a blow to my husband when it was delivered . I had suspected pretty bad news , but my husband was really thrown for a loop . He grieved over that one statement for a few days . Consider that your assessment reports and behavior analysis may be a shock to the parent , or may confirm their worst fears . Some of them sit across from you with no hope for the future . Some of them do not know what to do or where to turn . Some of them are in complete denial . Some of them have suspected for some time that something was different about their child , but didn 't know until that moment in the IEP when you confirmed it . Believe me , I 've held back tears in an IEP . I remember thinking in his 2nd IEP ( when he was just 3 ) , " Hold it together , Natalie . Don 't cry . Don 't cry . " I held it together . After the meeting I wept all the way to daycare to pick up my child . I cried most of the weekend . I was just coming to terms with how frightened I was for his future . Fear , hopelessness , uncertainty , and even anger , may rear their ugly heads at your IEP meetings . Be ready for that . If your parent is displaying any of those feelings then know it is not a reflection on you , but all about what the parent and child are facing . Give your Parents the Benefit of the Doubt When You Can . I 've said it before ; you are a mandated reporter so it 's always best to err on the side of the child . If you suspect abuse , report it . Period . But , also , don 't be quick to assume your parent is lying in an IEP . Admittedly , after a few years with a lying parent , you do figure it out . When there is a whole lot of talk but no action , you may wonder . But always give the benefit of the doubt when you can . When Q was in Kindergarten his teacher asked us what we did to discipline him when he melted down and emptied the contents of the bookshelf all over the room . WHAT ? ! We had NEVER EVER witnessed that kind of behavior at home . So , when a parent says to me , " He never does that at home , " well , yep , I often believe it . In our case school was entirely more rigorous than home . He still had very little language . At home he didn 't need language , even though we were trying to force him to need language by not meeting his needs unless he spoke them . The bottom line was that he felt safe at home , as he should have and as we would have hoped he would feel . When the rigor of the classroom took its ' toll , he took it out on the bookshelves , unfortunately for sweet Mrs . Jacobson ! Long story short , a behavioral analysis and a sensory diet went a long way as well as Todd & I making home more rigorous , while maintaining the safety and respite it provided to our son . Oh , and time was on our side . He flourished over time with the right positive behavior supports . But I digress , in that positive behavior supports is for another blog entry . Back to the IEP … . Student at a Glance ! This is a picture of the first thing I hand a parent at an IEP meeting . I print it up in color on an 8 ½ x 11 sheet of paper . My hope is that they take it home and put in on the fridge as a reminder to the whole family how special and important their child is . When the parent walks into the room , this picture is on my Smartbaord , front & center of the meeting . It 's up there in " life sized " style . I want to make an impact on the parent , a positive one . I hope this does it . You 'll notice there is no negative word on this document anywhere . Instead of writing , for example , " Does not like to do tasks he thinks are too hard " I wrote , " Avoids tasks he thinks are too hard . " And instead of saying , " talks to much " I wrote , " Areas to Develop : maintaining a quiet voice in class . " Believe me , a parent of a child who has the need to vocalize constantly does not need me telling them , " Your child has to vocalize constantly . " They know it . But if I say , " working on maintaining a quiet voice in class " that implies I know it , they know it , and this is what their child and I are doing about it . It 's proactive . Instead of using " Strengths and Weaknesses " I chose to focus on " Strengths and Areas to Improve " . Yep , they might be weaknesses today but the reality is that given time they can be areas of improvement . They might even become strengths someday ! I also include a section on the Positive Behavior Support system I have in place . This gives me an opportunity to reinforce what I am doing in class . Notice that this student is 50 stars behind the class average , but at least he is actually earning stars . I focus on what he is earning and not how far behind he is . This particular student ( name and picture have been changed from the actual student ) had just come from general ed to my SDC . I had had him for almost a year when I had his IEP and had the first opportunity to meet his family . His mother came in stoic and unemotional . By the end of the meeting she told me , " At all of his other meetings all we heard about was how hard he had been . How he had to move all the time and make noise and cause trouble . You are the first teacher to notice all the things that make him special , the things we love about him . Thank you . " The next day was Valentine 's Day . He proudly came in with a really cute , big teddy bear for me and a note that read , " I love you , Mrs . Jager . " Ahhhhh … . That 's one reason I do what I do ! Now , in general ed defense , a student like this little guy in a classroom with 35 other students and a general education teacher possibly not equipped for his diverse needs ( or certainly without the support of a classroom aide ) , might convey some things to the parents that are perceived by the parents as negative . If he is behaving completely opposite of everyone else and making it impossible for others to learn , then that is what the gen ed teacher has to report . The other teachers may not have said anything negative … perhaps the parents just perceived it as such . It was a different educational setting … it was more restrictive to him and his needs as opposed to my class , which is his least restrictive environment . Of course he 's going to fair better behaviorally in my room with sensory input , access to frequent breaks , an appropriate workload , specialized academic instruction and a focus on small groups . So , my meeting would appear to be more positive and to the parent may seem more productive . In Summary ! Look for the good stuff . Find it . Dig . If you look hard enough and long enough you will find a lot of positive things to put on your student 's " At A Glance . " I am not perfect by any stretch . I do not always keep it 100 % positive . I have had a few students that I liked a lot , but could not reach . Keeping their IEP positive was a challenge . But I keep trying ! Every day students earn stars on a star board . Stars are given by me and my classroom para - professionals for good choices . Students following our classroom " norms " ( I use norms as opposed to rules ) will earn 5 to 10 stars per day . They are given out for : With every 50 additional stars they get to choose an iron - on patch from my pocket chart . I order the patches at wholesale prices from Uniport Industries ( just tell them you are a teacher and they 'll set you up as a wholesaler ) . I buy a $ 5 pack of 25 patches that are themed from Uniport . It 's a great deal ! Though I am no longer in my " first year " of teaching , I still remember those " first year " lessons so well . Here are my " Top 10 " to encourage you whether you are in your first year , or your twenty - fifth year . You may respond , " Really ? " or you may respond , " Don 't I know it ! " Be Friendly , Not Familiar - this was the most important lesson I think I learned early in my teaching career . How did I learn it ? In the WORST possible way when a parent " called me out " . And she SHOULD have . Thanks to her I learned a valuable lesson that will last me all of my teaching career . I had made ignorant assumptions , shared information about her and her family ( that I thought was public ) to another parent , and word got around . Oh my ! I loved these parents , and I loved their kids . I would in no way , ever , gossip about them . Yet , that is exactly what I did . I needed that " slap " on the hand . She wasn 't gentle about it , but she was gracious and immediately forgiving . I thank God for her and this lesson every day ! When I say , be friendly , I mean it . It 's okay to be friends with your parents , but you must also embrace the boundary that exists between parent and teacher . Be friends . Be friendly . But don 't assume you are part of the family . You aren 't . Whatever your student 's family has going on is NONE of your business , even if they share it . You may have to hold on to information that makes you uncomfortable , but remember , it 's never your information to share with anyone . Of course you are a mandated reporter , so if you think something is going on that is harmful to your student , call CPS immediately . The TOP 2 - Memorize this . TOP 2 . TOP 2 . TOP 2 . I learned this valuable lesson from my first principal ( thank goodness , she was a GREAT leader ) . She would say to me , " Natalie , what are the top 2 things you need to take care of today ? " I would tell her . And she would reply , " Do those 2 things and then go home . " Were there some things that did not get done ? YES . Did my students learn and grow ? YES . Did I do everything that year I wanted ? NO . Did my students make progress on their IEP goals ? YES . Did we make living math journals ? NO . Did we learn math facts ? YES . Did learning happen ? YES . But did I do it all ? NO . I had to learn to let go . Yes , there are a million fruitful , engaging and super FUN things I can do in my room . No , I can 't do a million of them . Nor can I do a hundred of them . Maybe , if I 'm lucky , I 'll do 10 of them in a year . Wait , maybe 5 . I mean , let 's be realistic ! But you can be sure that I will meet every IEP timeline , document progress on every goal and make a deep , meaningful connection to each student every day . Well , most days . I mean , I am the weather system . On occasion I do have a cloudy day . Relationship Counts More than Anything During my first year of teaching I began working on my masters degree . It was a little quick , granted , but I 'm an " older " first year teacher and I wanted , and needed , to get it accomplished . As a parent , I read a book titled , Parenting with Love and Logic . Upon further research , I discovered the authors had also written books on teaching with love and logic . I applied their approaches to my room on day one . Granted , it has taken , and will continue to take time , for me to fully embrace shared responsiblity and mutual respect in the classroom , but I get better at it each year . My master 's thesis was about " The Power of One , " a principle I learned from the Love & Logic reading . That first year , every single day , I would make my rounds during morning work . I would get on each student 's level and shake their hand , look him / her in the eye and say , " Do you know what I notice about you ? " and then I would share with them one very simple observation that was unrelated to performance . ( Ie . I 've noticed you like to play soccer at recess . ) Pretty soon the students were telling me , " Mrs . Jager , do you know what I 've noticed about you ? " or they would say , " Mrs . Jager , could you notice today that I like math ? " I saw behavior , in - class effort , and turned - in homework statistics go UP . Then , I looped with my students the next year , and even a year later some were still saying to me , " Mrs . Jager , would you notice something about me today ? I would really like that if you did . " My principal once shared with me that my " effect " with the kids is what she believed made me an effective teacher . That " effect " is birthed out of the relationship . I am the weather … my students want to be affected by our relationship . They look to me to be in their corner . Loose the Power Struggles - That 's right . Give them up . Don 't go there . If your student comes in every day and slams the door , and you say , " Stop slamming the door , " then rest assured that everyday he will walk in and slam that door . Two options : ignore the slamming door . Your response to the slamming door only encourages him to keep slamming . But if you ignore , his power is gone . Or , option 2 , give him a different direction . Instead of waiting to respond to the slammed door , tell him to slam it . When he walks in say , " Make sure you slam that door today . " In that way you are sharing the responsiblity and once empowered to slam the door , he will stop slamming . You are not weak if you let your students perceive they are winning a power struggle . For some students , it might give them the sense of control they do not get at home . Feed Them - One of the biggest reasons that students come in and do not get started on work first thing in the morning is that " effective filter . " The effective filter could be anything that is going on with them that day . Perhaps their parents fought the night before … maybe a family member is sick . Perhaps someone they care about has had to leave them . They might be concerned that there is no food in the house . Think about all the things that you go to work carrying in the back of your mind , the things that move to the front , the things that you are worried about . Your students have the same filter in place . One of the quickest ways to get a student engaged in learning is to literally feed them FOOD . Honestly , I 'm not fond of being a cafeteria , and I 'd love to just say , " Mom didn 't feed you ? Oh well , guess you 'll eat tomorrow when you decide you don 't like to be hungry . " It 's not that black and white . There may not be any food at home . There may not be food your student can access on her own . Often in the morning my son is just not hungry , but I hover and I coach and I say , " take a bite , please " until I see at least half of his breakfast is off the plate and in his tummy . But not all parents do that . If a student comes in hungry they are not prepared to learn . Instead of asking a student , " did you have breakfast " which could imply there is no food at home , I simply ask , " Are you hungry ? " I put out a few coffee filters ( they are cheap and recyclable ) and add a cup of cheerios or chex cereal . Any student that is hungry can have a serving . Our cafeteria also gives away milk that goes untouched after served , so my classroom aides bring back 2 or 3 cartons of milk each day that I keep in my classroom refrigerator . Student can quietly feed themselves at their desk while doing morning work . Always have Something for Students To Do - It actually took me two years to really put this into action . There are some students who simply cannot be idle . You can 't just say to every child who finishes their work early , " Go get a book . " For some , a book is not engaging enough to keep their behavior managed . Put folders together with activities in them . Have both easy ( coloring page ) and challenging ( word search or math problem worksheet ) extra work ready to go . I have " File Folder " games set up and in brightly colored drawers . My students all know if they finish before others they can go get a book , a file folder activity , or a worksheet . Some of my most challenging behaviors come from students that like to be busy . When they are idle is when the behaviors get challenging . Keep them challenged to keep the challenging behaviors at bay . Let Your Students " Motor " - My husband is a busy bee . He cannot be idle . He cannot sit and watch a movie . He 's just wired that way . Some of my students are just like him . For those students I have motoring activities ready to go . I have a mini trampoline outside of my room . Students can grab the 3 minute sand timer and go right out the door at any time they feel they need to ( using a " break card " to ask permission ) and jump it out . Sometimes I have one student run down to the tree and back ( yes , running in the hall , oh my ! Our halls are " outdoor " but it 's still the hall . ) . I also have gallon milk jugs that are half - full of sand . I put a cute picture of a zebra on them . Some students want to take the jug to another room . That teacher and I set it up so that the milk jugs travel back and forth all day . If a student is having a tough time focusing or managing emotions I ask , " Do you want to take the Zebra jug to Room 7 for me ? " The answer is always " yes ! " And then sometime during the day , a student from Room 7 will deliver a Zebra jug to my room . Other motoring activities include : a Sit - n - Spin located in my hallway , watering the plants , an activity choice board where a student can choose jumping jacks , yoga moves , or taking the tardy slips to the office . This also eliminates the " time out " which is a term we do not use in our district . Rather than putting a child in " time out " I send a child on an errand . They feel useful and fulfilled and no one has had the humiliation of separation . Not to mention , when a student changes her physical state , she also changes her emotional one . Sometimes it 's a subtle change , but even a subtle change is enough to get her back on track . Let your Students " Stand " - I have a standing area in the back of my room with a tall table ( a music stand would also work but I do not have one of those ) . If a student wants to stand during instruction , I allow him . Why bother with that power struggle ? Not everyone can be seated for long or even short periods of time ( my husband , for example ) . I , myself , struggle with this when I attend trainings . I like to stand and move around some during sessions . If a student asks appropriately , I allow them to stand at the table in the back . Power struggle is eliminated , their feelings and needs are managed and learning can continue . Ignore , ignore , ignore Perhaps you may have heard the term ' Praise the best , ignore the rest . ' For the most part this is true . Obviously , you are not going to ignore a chair flying past your head , but you can ignore the student that is humming and you can teach your students to ignore it also . This was such a hard lesson for me to learn , but what happens if you don 't ignore bad behavior is that the behavior followed by your reaction eventually becomes a classroom habit . Joey knows ( not his real name ) that the minute he starts vocalizing , Mrs . Smith ( not her real name ) is going to correct him . He then has successfully gotten her attention . And because he enjoys getting a reaction from people , he has met his own need of control . It 's horrible . IGNORE . Warning … once you start to ignore the behavior will escalate because Joey will then act our more to try to get you to respond . Keep him and the other people in your room safe , and ignore as best you can . Eventually he will give up . He will ! Remind Yourself that you are Doing a GREAT Job ! If you are teaching full - time , remind yourself that you are doing a great job . You are . No one else in the world can do what you do the way you do it . It is not trite to say that you are impacting students lives every sing day . You are . It 's not trite to say that you are making a difference . You are . It 's okay to feel a sense of accomplishment about that because it is true . And yes , you did earn it . You took the classes , added the certifications , took more classes , attended in - services , collaborated with colleagues , took more classes , cleared your credential , took the behavior classes , and added another credential . You can teach people to read , for heaven 's sake . What you do is noble and worthy . Be proud of it !

My stat counts are once again sky high with people searching for Gap card complaints and instructions on how to cancel a Gap credit card . One such search was from Moscow . Yikes ! For your searching ease , here are links to my two posts about the Gap card and Monogram Bank of Georgia . This one describes the beginning of my problems , and this one has instructions on how to cancel your card . Good luck ! Ack , whose idea was it to go back to work today ? ? Fortunately , there 's not much for me to do except draft a blog update ( or so I tell myself semi - guiltily ) . First , the KnittingLast night during a very small knit night , I cast on a Headigan using some pretty handspun handdyed yarn . Here 's my progress so far ( note : I now have another repeat done , so it 's twice this size : Porkchop gave the yarn to me for Christmas ; she bought it on the Felt Studio etsy shop . The pattern and the yarn are a most perfect combination . ( My only complaint is about the tagline on the webshop selling the Headigan pattern . It 's something along the lines of , " Math is hard . Let 's go shopping ! " Hopefully that 's a joke . ) I gave Beth her beanie Saturday night : And , as luck would have it , Katie won the big pink pointy elf cap by having a large noggin : I gave Katie a knitted neckwarmer , as well , but I forgot to take a photo of it ! Darn ! Also , I gave my sister a knitted headband / ear warmer for Christmas , but the photo isn 't so great . Lastly . . . the interlocking balloon pattern is still going well . I might finish it in January , but I 'm eager to buy yarn and start on a Tilted Duster . My biggest wish was to finish my stinking Jaywalkers before the end of the year , but I noticed that instead of buying size 1 metal dpns , I actually bought size 0 . I * thought * I was buying size 1s , so the sales clerk must have picked up the wrong set . I didn 't check the set until last week , I bought them in November , and I no longer have a sales receipt . I don 't know if I want to try to exchange them . . . seems like a hassle . But , they cost nearly $ 13 , darn it ! Trips and VisitsTo ColumbiaOn December 14 , Porkchop arrived in STL , and we drove to CoMo for Katie 's graduation . Yay ! PhD ! Dinner and the ceremony were nice , but the best part was the reception Saturday morning at the Women 's Center on campus . Katie read from her dissertation acknowledgements , and most of us teared up and cried at some point . We hung out in the Women 's Center for a good part of the afternoon and then had snacks atPosted by I 'm feeling some sinus ickiness starting . . . . no ! ! I started the morning with an airborne , and I 'm about to have a Cold - eeze . Unfortunately , I didn 't have time for the neti pot this morning . Porkchop comes home on Friday , and then we 're off to Columbia for KT 's PhD graduation . I can 't be sick ! Meanwhile . . . One of the school librarians sent out an email this morning warning students not to leave laptops unattended in the library . . . . because people come here searching for laptops to steal and sell for drugs . While I don 't doubt this , the tone of the email set me off a bit . I think it was the matter of factness . What if people are selling laptops to pay for utilities or food ? The email just didn 't seem very social work - y . Also , unrelated , through Ravelry I found the perfect pointy elf hat to make with a ball of very pink Rowan Biggy Print , which was gifted to me over Thanksgiving . It 's bulky pink yarn . . . what else can I do with it ? Oh my gosh , I can now post directly from work again ! YAY ! ! ! The biscotti was made and is a big hit . Of course , not everyone is here to enjoy them as two people stayed home because of the ice . * scoff ! * In Other NewsIn February , I 'm going to see Kelly Clarkson and Reba McEntire in Jonesboro as part of the 2 Worlds 2 Voices tour . With my parents . What ? I 'm really just along for the ride ; my parents really want to see them . Again , what ? ? Do you want to see a picture of one of my great - great - great - grandfathers ? My mom submitted a photo for this website . I think it 's pretty neat . Also , if you don 't know , " I . T . " stands for Indian Territory . I can 't imagine moving from Devonshire , England , to Oklahoma . Seriously , that 's crazy . The dreary weather has me feeling sad and lonely , or maybe I 'm just sad and lonely . At the end of a conversation with Porkchop tonight ( who is sick in Albuquerque and sick of being in Albuquerque ) , I had to cry some . I 'm not feeling the holiday cheer so much . What I am feeling are the cold drafts from the old windows in this apartment ! GRRRRR ! Tonight I covered the windows in plastic and weatherstripped the door in the bedroom that opens to the porch . I 'm thinking about hanging curtains over the living room and bedroom windows , and by curtains I mean big pieces of fleece that will look junky but will block the drafts . I love old apartments but not old windows . So , here 's what I did today : Woke up and put a chicken cassoulet in the slow cooker ( chicken , onions , carrots , white beans , mushrooms , and herbes de Provence ( which I made up using various spices that I already have because why pay a spice company for just a mix of spices ? ) ) . Took my car in for an oil change . I also had the power steering fluid replaced , which made a HUGE difference in my car 's handling . Went to the Rock - n - Roll Craft Show . It 's in the Mad Art Gallery this year , and it was packed . There were a lot of fun things for sale , but I didn 't buy anything . That 's what happens when you start to do crafty things . For me , anyway , it becomes really difficult to buy other crafts because I 'm constantly thinking , I could do that . I could make that and that and that . The things that I couldn 't make - inlaid cutting boards - were too pricey for me . Stopped by Gus ' Pretzels for a garlic and butter pretzel . If I lived in that area , I would go to Gus ' everyday . ( Please note that it pains me to type " Gus ' " instead of " Gus 's " since the latter is correct . Last time I checked , " Gus " was just one person . ) Straightened and attempted to weatherize the apartment . Knitted and started to question life . Also , I snagged a small patch of my Interlocking Balloons scarf on a bit of velcro . Murrr ! On the schedule for tomorrow : Baking biscotti and cookies for work . Maybe going to the IndependPosted by During the week , I have a banana and a cup of soymilk for breakfast . This morning , I poured my soymilk , looked over at the spot where I keep the bananas , and through my early morning fuzziness thought , " Good God , someone took my banana . Great . Now what do I eat ? " The flaw in this logic is that I 'm currently living by myself . I knew that it wasn 't possible for anyone to take my last banana , but I briefly entertained the thought of a banana thief . Before it became The Case of the Missing Banana ( kind of like last post 's Case of the Missing Needles ) , I decided to accept that I miscalculated when I bought bananas last weekend and that I had my last one Thursday morning . I did , however , look in the trashcan to see if I had mistakenly discarded said banana . If you write banana enough in a post , you feel a bit foolish . My grandfather exhibited what we later realized was signs of early dementia in his mid - 70s . During phone calls with my mom , he would casually mention that someone broke in and stole his cornbread . Or , the other popular accusation was that someone broke in and left old shoes in his closet . No stealing there , just leaving old things . Also , Speaking of ShoesI love my new shoes . After two years of looking for new black leather shoes , I found the perfect pair on Sierra Trading Post - real leather , little or no heel , no fussiness , and 50 % off . They are perfect little slipper - like shoes , and when I wear them , I imagine little elf cobblers making them ( alas , they are made in China . . . but hopefully not in a sweatshop ) . After knitting tonight , I was uploading to Ravelry the blue Steam Scarf that I made last winter when I thought , " Where ARE those number 5 Crystal Palace needles ? " It 's official , I 've apparently lost a set of needles ! I keep all of my straight needles in the case Porkchop made for me last year . I have Crystal Palace 10s and 3s , but no 5s . And , while I have a few projects in progress , none of them are on those needles . Murrr ! I 'm not happy at all about this and will have to conduct a full search this weekend . * * * * * * * * * Updated to add : I Have Lost my MindMy Interlocking Balloons scarf is living on the 5s ! Ha ha . . . don 't mind me here . . . just routing through my knitting box and cursing for the fun of it . I 've finally decided that I really want to make the tilted duster on the cover of the Fall 2007 issue of Interweave Knits , in addition to another pattern that I * think * is in that issue . The problem . . . all of the local stores that I called today are sold out of that issue ! ( I called 3 stores and visited 1 yesterday . ) Also , only one person on Ravelry offered to trade ( and that person is in England ) . So , I now have an issue coming to me from the yarn store in Columbia . Thank you , Hillcreek Yarn Shoppe ! In Other NewsMizzou lost last night . I spent over an hour and a half on the phone this morning before even getting out of my pajamas . It 's just as well . My head feels like it 's full of concrete and my ears are ringing . When I started my first real job after college , a co - worker once asked me , " After you turn 30 , why must you wake up every morning feeling like you have a giant hangover ? " Being 23 , I didn 't know what the heck the guy was talking about . Lately , I can kind of relate . Sometimes , my body just feels beaten in the morning . I used to enjoy getting up early on the weekends , but now I just want to sleep sleep sleep . For a while , I thought this might be some sort of depression creeping in , but really , I think I 'm just tired . Getting up at 6 : 30 during the week wears me out . Also , why must the weather be so crappy this weekend ? Last night was the culmination of Africa Week at my school , so I stuck around for a few hours after work for trivia , food , and a West African dance troupe . The dancing was terrific , the trivia interesting ( also shocking to learn that many of our grad students don 't know the oceans between which Africa is located ! ) , and the food tasty . However , one of the dishes apparently caused my stomach to become disgruntled . So , knowing that my stomach was in a delicate state , I of course had half of a roasted acorn squash and part of a sweet potato for lunch today . And then I went ahead and had a small dish of gelato this afternoon because I was set on checking out the new gelato place on Grand . So . . . I 'm feeling pretty gross right now . However , I 'm hungry for dinner . Maybe popcorn . Some KnittingHere 's where I 'm at on my Interlocking Balloons scarf : I know it seems like it 's going slowly , but I 'm also working on secret projects , one of which I finished last night . Such projects will only appear on Ravelry due to their top - secret nature ( on Ravelry ? My username is carrielee ) . Some Football WatchingI have the Mizzou - OSU game on right now . Why ? Because I 'm the biggest football fan ever ? Errrrr . . . . no . It 's because Porkchop is at the game . In San Antonio . Tonight . I 'm hoping they will show her in a crowd sweep . A project manager and I had lunch with our visiting Indonesian professor , who leaves today . While eating , he announced that he had just learned a new phrase to take back with him . We asked what it was , and he replied , " Holy shit ! " I laughed while the project manager ( who is from China ) gasped and said , " Oh no , don 't say that ! That 's very bad ! " I suggested that he use " oh my goodness ! " instead . So , we practiced how to say it a few different ways . I 'm pretty sure that the professor will still take back " holy shit " because , you know , it 's so much funner to say . Posted by I left my lunch at home today . That 's the sort of day it was . Porkchop and I left early early early to get her to the airport for a 7 : 45 flight . Murrrr . Murrrr because it was so early , but also because Porkchop was leaving . We had a pretty full Thanksgiving break with hardly a spare moment . . . TuesdayPorkchop flew into St . Louis in the afternoon for a much anticipated haircut . We met up at the CWE metro stop and proceeded home . Porkchop rode the bus with me , and it was appropriately crazy . After dinner at Stellina 's Pasta Cafe , we made pistachio - chocolate - orange biscotti ( see this post for the recipe ) to take to my parents . WednesdayWe left St . Louis around 11 : 30 and rolled into Jonesboro around 3 : 30 . Straight away , Porkchop and I started preparing for Thanksgiving dinner , which leads to . . . ThursdayHere is the menu I planned for Thanksgiving . Porkchop and I made all of these dishes : Herb turkey with apple - raisin stuffingSquash - apple cheddar gratin ( see here for the recipe from Beth ) Buttermilk mashed potatoesRoasted brussel sprouts with thymeCranberry - ginger relish ( YUM ! ) Cranberry - apple - almond saladMy family added the following : Fruit saladPumpkin pieApple pieWhipped creamAnd our neighbors from Kennett contributed these items : traditional green bean - french onion casserolethe best pecan - chocolate chip pie everIt was a lot of work , but good times and food were had . Here are some pictures . . . . My mom and I working on getting the neck out of the turkey : Porkchop stuffing herbs under the turkey 's skin : My dad and I working some more on the turkey : Fun ! Porkchop and I stayed at my parents until late Friday afternoon . SaturdayWe started the weekend with a leisurely breakfast at the Bread Co . Later that morning , we went to Suzi 's for Thanksgiving II . More food . * so full * Porkchop and I hung out at our apartment that afternoon , and then it was time to watch the Mizzou - KU football game . Yay . Porkchop had been talking nearly non - stop about the game since a couple of weeks ago , and she decided we should go to St . Louis 's # 1 sports bar to watch thPosted by I hate Sunday nights . Even though I like my job , I still don 't enjoy re - entering the work week . * Sigh * Fortunately , I was pretty productive today , so I don 't feel like Sunday was wasted . After yoga and talking to Porkchop this morning , I went to La Dolce Via for coffee and a scone . Since it was packed today , I sat with an LDV employee studying for a sommelier exam . Crazy ! I can 't imagine being able to identify a wine 's origin and year . Since my table - mate also works at the Wine Merchant in Clayton , by the time I left , I was convinced that I should take one of their wine classes sometime . . . maybe one that 's about pairing wine with chocolate or cheese . I really know nothing about wine . I know a few white wines that I enjoy , but beyond that . . . . nothing . I picked up a Syrah for Thanksgiving based upon the label artwork . Nice . Does Syrah even complement turkey ? I have no idea . So , also today , I knitted on my Interlocking Balloons scarf . Here it is this morning : I now have about ten more rows done . I 've also been working on my Icarus shawl again . Just started the fifth repeat of Chart 1 . * sigh * Someday . After knitting and doing some straightening at home , I started making truffles with apricots , walnuts , and cranberries . Right now the mixture is chilling , and I plan to form the truffles tomorrow night . If I like the end result , I 'll post the directions . SaturdayThis was the day of food shopping . I had to pick up things like cheese and wine to take to my parents for Thanksgiving . Jonesboro doesn 't have much of a cheese selection . And , it 's in a dry county . Saturday night was Persepolis , which was shown at the Plaza Frontenac . The movie was pretty great , even if it started to drag a little 2 / 3 of the way through . I 'll say no more , as you should see it for yourself . However , I will say that the Plaza Frontenac freaks me out . It 's so white and richy - rich . I was glad to return to Grand and its semi - shabby buildings , Afghan restaurant , and African grocery store that sells bedsheets and Halal meats . Anyway . . . blah , blah , blah . Hi ! Guess what I 've been up to ? Yes ! Setting up my Ravelry profile . It takes a lot of time , but it 's really fun . I 'm about to enter all of my needle and hook information . So much fun ! OCD ! Fun ! Work has been a bit strange lately . . . the post - conference week is always a bit strange . Kind of like post - holidays . Not that I 'm not busy at work ! We just sent a book out the door to the publishers . I feel a bit bad because , although I 'm thanked in the acknowledgements , I didn 't really do anything because I was busy with the conference . This is the second book in which I 'm thanked . The other one is this one , for which I really did work my ass off . I like being thanked in books . And , with that , I 'm off to Ravelry ! Like this one . . . " Can you fix this ppt so I can work on it ? The current version has gigantic disease , cannot see all of text on screen . Please give it the cure . " Of course , I was let down to find that I only needed to change the zoom setting . Posted by First of all , this is what I had for dinner tonight : Masaman curry with potatoes and chicken over brown rice . My friend CJ pointed me in the direction of masaman curry paste ( or slurry ) for easy meal preparation . Yum yum yum ! My next curry will use tofu , potatoes , and apples . Along the food route , here 's a shot from Friday night of acorn squash bisque and the beginning of my interlocking balloons scarf : The bisque is super yummy and super easy . Here 's what you do . . . Microwave 2 acorn squash for 10 - 15 minutes each , until you can easily pierce the skin with a knife . Split the squash , seed them , and scoop out the squash into a bowl . Saute an onion ( diced ) in a tablespoon of butter , season with pepper . Saute until the onion is tender . Add the squash , a 14 . 5 oz can of chicken or veggie broth , 1 / 4 teaspoon dried thyme ( or 1 / 2 tsp fresh ) and boil until the squash is tender ( about 15 minutes ) . Puree the mixture until smooth . Add 1 / 2 cup half - and - half and season with pepper . The interlocking balloons pattern is another story . I think it will be better once I work through a whole repeat . Other knitting . . . . I finished an adult - sized Utopia hat last week : It 's still a little tight and a little short . I don 't know what the deal is . I also don 't know what 's up with this : Why is the quad a construction zone ? Fortunately , the south side of the quad is still pristine . Here 's Swallow Hall . . . where I spent many a long hour doing anthropology stuff : All for now ! Hi ! I 'm in Columbia ! Yesterday , while driving home from work early ( 3 : 30 because we had just wrapped up a 2 - day conference ) , I decided to take a trip to Columbia . I 've been going a bit crazy in St . Louis and needed to take a break from my routines . . . . so here I am . I 'll have to post pictures later , but here 's a quick summary . . . . 2 : 00Arrived in Columbia and went directly to Main Squeeze for lunch . Their Tempeh Ruby ( vegetarian reuben ) and Ring of Fire ( beet , orange , carrot , ginger juice ) were as yummy as always . 2 : 45ishAfter eating , I walked around 9th street a bit and stopped into a new - to - me store , Spare Parts Gallery . In addition to browsing goods made by local people , I ran into some familiar faces , Becky and Debbie , who are good friends with my friends Katie and Beth . So , I now have an invitation to Debbie 's birthday dinner tonight at Flat Branch . My social life in Columbia is already busier than that in St . Louis . I also stopped at Uprise Bakery and was totally overwhelmed by the selection . Since I realized that I needed to pace myself food - wise , I skipped their unbelievably yummy potato knishes and bought two little dark chocolate - black pepper shortbread cookies . Yum ! Very happy with the choice . 3 : 00Supposedly , Mizzou has been having a fantastic football season this year , which is killing Porkchop because she is so far away . At her request , I walked down to the university bookstore and picked out a MIZ - ZOU shirt for her . During my walk there , I was asked for directions to Harpo 's . . . gag ! Also , I found the quad to be a construction zone . . . maybe a couple of the buildings caught fire ? More research is needed on my part . In addition to loads of t - shirts , the bookstore also had a table packed full of zines ! Yay ! The zine table and their first annual zine fest ( coming in Spring 2008 ) is organized by a woman who started working at the bookstore when I worked there . So , I picked up a few zines . . . . not just because I wanted to support a former co - worker , but also because they had some of my favorite zines ! Such as . . . Slave to tPosted by I thought I would have to wait until January to see Persepolis , but it will be here on November 17 as part of the St . Louis film festival . YAY ! Also , Juno plays on November 14 ! I should buy my tickets this weekend ! There are many other films I want to see , but at $ 10 a pop . . . . or $ 8 if people believe my Iowa student ID . . . still a lot of cash for me . Posted by I love seeing the ladies riding the bus and reading about same - sex marriage laws while drinking tallboys hidden in a paper bag from a pharmacy . Yeah . Bus number 70 . * * * * * * * * * * What made my evening commute more bizarre . . . . accepting a peppermint from a guy on the train wearing a huge gauze bandage on his face and bloody jeans and shirt . He hurt himself 15 minutes before his work shift was up . I hesitated in accepting the peppermint , but I noticed that it was my favorite kind . . . . those soft peppermints that melt in your mouth . * * * * * * * * * * I have my second physical therapy appointment tomorrow morning before work . I 'm excited to announce that the pain in my ass is gone gone gone ! Miracles ! Actually , my therapist showed me how to self correct my pelvic rotation . Awesomeness . Last night , I dreamt about gay cowboys . Actually , I was one of the gay cowboys . Maybe this will be a good week after all . Posted by I love the " fall back " time change , but we really don 't gain enough hours . My past week at work was CRAZY , and this week will be even crazier because of a conference that we 're hosting . Since the conference only pertains to one project , all the other project managers think I 'm just sitting around waiting for something to do . Uh , no . This weekend has been pretty nice , however , and not just because of the time change . Yarn and FoodOn Saturday , I met a few ladies from my knitting class for the opening of Knitty Couture . I touched a lot of yarn , a lot of very nice yarn , said hi to a couple of knitting acquaintances , and met Eileen of Eileen Knits . In the end , I came out of Knitty Couture empty - handed . I could have broken the bank buying yarn , but I didn 't have a particular project in mind . I find it best to not blindly buy yarn . I will definitely go back to the store - it 's in dangerous walking distance of Wash U . I 'm also intrigued by the Knit - a - Bit sessions - sounds like you can test knit with yarn and needles on Saturdays . That would be so great ! After browsing the store , we had a yummy lunch at Thai Cafe . Mmmmmm . . . . . masman curry . My favorite . Saturday night , I started making an adult - sized Utopia hat . My only worry now is that I will run out of yarn ! Books and a PartyAmong other things today , I went to my local public library branch . I didn 't think I would find much , but I left with Transparent : Love , Family , and Living the T with Transgender Teenagers , The Short Bus : A Journey Beyond Normal , a slow cooker cookbook , and Scarf Style . I 'm not ashamed to admit that I love to knit scarves . While I would like to knit an actual garment some day , I am quite content to knit a good scarf . There are some fantastic patterns in Scarf Style that I will copy and file away for later . I will , however , start on the Interlocking Balloons pattern very soon - I have two skeins of Dream in Color that will look terrific . The one thing that is bugging me about Scarf Style is the photography . Instead of having a clear shot of a model wearing the Posted by It 's nearly 7 : 00 . When will the trick - or - treaters arrive ? I saw kids on the street in costume , but no one has stopped at my place yet . I have my porch light on and a big bowl full of 96 pieces of candy . . . . just waiting . Keetah and I even sat on our stairs for a bit so we would be ready for action . I 've now started doing some straightening and other tasks , like signing up for e - statements from our bank . Muurrrr . Isn 't the hat pictured on the left here a wonderful little child - sized hat ? For scale , it 's pictured next to the baby hat I finished last week . The only thing is . . . . it was supposed to be an adult - sized hat . The pattern is the Utopia Hat , and it 's a really great pattern . The problem , I guess , is that I followed my normal procedure and went down 2 needle sizes because I 'm a loose knitter . In this case , it didn 't work . I think I have enough yarn to attempt a regular size hat ; I 'm giving the mini one to a co - worker 's daughter . Yeah . . . sometimes I 'm a really smart knitter . In other news , I made this caramelized butternut squash recipe , and it was the best thing ever . Yum ! I roasted some acorn squash this evening , and I wished it had been more butternut squash . Also , I just recently found the Magic Loaf Studio at the Vegan Lunchbox . I can 't wait to make my own veggie loaf - maybe next week . Have a great week ! I have a physical therapy appointment on Tuesday . I 'm hoping that I can get rid of the pain in my ass . Yes , I have a quite annoying and painful pain in my ass . Sometimes I can 't sleep because of it , and it 's really starting to get to me . For the next month , my center is helping host a professor visiting from Indonesia . For the past week , I 've been helping him settle into his new office digs and become familiar with the campus . This morning , we went to get his ID made , and on the way back I gave him a mini - tour of some of the original buildings on campus . We were discussing important matters such as what types of food the different campus cafes serve . On the topic of grab - and - go sandwiches , I said I didn 't enjoy them very much . The professor pressed me as to why , and I stated that the bread of the prepared sandwiches becomes very soggy . The professor laughed and laughed and said that he had learned something very important . Because , you know , if you 're not a regular bread - eater , you just accept that a grab - and - go sandwich represents all of sandwich - dom . I declared that there is a HUGE difference between a good sandwich and a bad sandwich , and the professor appreciated my advice . Yes . . . this is what I do at work . I help make the world a better place by elucidating the nature of sandwiches . Posted by My friend Carmen requested more photos of Keetah , so here are two from today . I think this one is really great : I don 't know how I was able to snap this moment . All of the previous shots were blurry . I also took a video of Keetah , but I 'm having problems loading it . I 'll try again tomorrow , but here 's another picture until then . What About Knitting ? I didn 't have a chance to pick up metal size 1 dpns , but I did finish this baby hat : I 'm not going to link to the pattern , because it was poorly written once the decreases started . The top of the hat is all off center . If this wasn 't a baby hat , I would have ripped back and done my own decreasing . But , you know , the baby will grow out off this in 4 months or so . Although I haven 't worked on my Icarus shawl much lately , I 'm nearly finished with the fourth repeat of Chart 1 . Ugh . Originally , I intended to start the Utopia hat tonight , but my hands really hurt for some reason . My arms are killing me because of some weights that I did yesterday , but I don 't know what 's up with my hands . I might just stick to reading What is the What . And FoodLast night , I made a tasty red and black bean pie . Mmmmm . . . . I 'm looking forward to leftovers . Here 's how to make it : Heat your oven to 400 F . Thinly slice the white and green part of a bunch of green onions . Mince 2 - 3 cloves of garlic . Heat some oil in a heavy , large sauce pan over medium heat . Add the white part of the onions and the garlic , saute for a few minutes . Drain and rinse a can of pinto beans and a can of black beans . Add to the onion and garlic . Also add one 14 . 5 ounce can diced tomatoes ( with its juice ) , 1 / 4 cup water , 1 / 2 teaspoon hot sauce , and the green part of the onions . Season with salt and pepper . Bring the mixture to a boil , smashing 1 / 4 of the beans to release the starch . Simmer the mixture for 15 - 20 minutes until thickened . Meanwhile , slice a tube of polenta into 8 slices . Prepare a glass pie pan by rubbing some oil in it . Arrange the polenta slices in the pan ( 7 slices around the outside , 1 in the middle ) . Once the bean mixture Posted by When I arrived at my knitting class last night , I sat down at a table and removed my still - not - finished Jaywalker from my bag . " Shoot ! " is what I muttered when I really wanted to yell something else but refrained because I didn 't want to scare the newbie knitters . You know . . . do you really want people who are just figuring out that the knit stitch and the purl stitch are the same thing only backward to catch on to the fact that knitting can sometimes drive you to cursing ? Okay , so it wasn 't my knitting , exactly , it was my knitting equipment . One of my remaining size 1 needles spontaneously snapped in half during the drive from my apartment to the school . What the heck ? ! Stupid wooden skewer needles ! I 'm switching to a metal set this weekend . . . I don 't care if my gauge will be a bit different . I will switch needles and finish my Jaywalkers , darn it ! Another Broken ThingI can 't do it anymore . . . . this growing my hair project . I was kind of okay until this morning when I was waiting for the train at the Grand stop and the damp wind came yowling through the train yard and swept my 3 . 5 " long hair into disarray . While I was cursing my hair ( it 's been quite a week for silent cursing ! ) , I remembered . . . I don 't have to do this . I can cut my hair and be happy again . So , that 's what I will do next week . I have an appointment all set up for Project : Cut Hair . This hair is bugging me so much , I was tempted to get my clippers out tonight and take it down to 1 / 8 of an inch . Semi - Good ThingsAt work , we hosted a day - long meeting on Tuesday that was part of a larger conference taking place this week . Fortunately , I was only responsible for logistics and other arrangements for Tuesday . Everything went surprisingly well . I 'm amazed when things fall into place so nicely . . . room setup , A / V , catering , etc . Now I can focus on another conference that we have coming up in 3 weeks . Yikes ! I have note - takers to hire , booklets to make , and many other things to think about . Anyway . . . . have a great Friday ! Tonight has been an excellent evening of craftiness . . . I did some knitting , some crochet , and some baking . It was a wonderful comeback to a day that started out kind of rocky . I went to bed late late late last night after staying up to play Scrabble with Porkchop on Facebook ( I recently agreed to join so that we can play Scrabble . . . even though I 'm not so great at Scrabble . . . maybe there is a Facebook Trivial Pursuit ? ) . This meant I was none too pleased when I woke up at 7 : 45 to Keetah 's insistent meowing and Porkchop 's call to tell me about her morning at the hot air balloon festival ( the same festival we couldn 't go to last weekend , murr ) . I finally got out of bed around 9 : 00 and then proceeded to make a grocery list . . . because that is exactly what you should do right after getting out of bed on a Saturday morning . Actually , the point was for me to go to the farmers market and pick what I could there . Unfortunately , I spent so much time looking for recipes and whatnot , that I would have been super - rushed at the market and worrying that I wouldn 't be able to make yoga at 11 : 00 . So , I nixed the market . Sad , yet for the best . Luckily , there are two more outdoor markets left this season . The market on the 27th will be the harvest festival . I 've been waiting for this festival since last year ! This year , I will be prepared to feast on Ozark mushroom soup and to drink up homemade hot chocolate served with homemade marshmallows . Homemade marshmallows ! I love it ! Anyway , after yoga and showering and lunch and a bit of knitting , I went to Michael 's for some craft supplies and then to Dierbergs for food . After getting home and having dinner , I made this : I 'm thinking necklaces like these will make excellent presents for my mom and sister and some of my co - workers . A woman in my knitting class called my attention to this tutorial on youtube . The tutorial teacher is a bit scary with serious fake fingernails and loads of jewelry , but the necklaces are fun and easy to make . You just crochet 3 beaded strands , braid them together , and thPosted by I finally put my name on the Ravelry waiting list . I put this off for so long because I 'm a bit daunted by the prospect of keeping everything up - to - date . Since I 'm number 15 , 647 in line , I 'll have some time to prepare . I signed up around 10 : 00 this morning ( because , you know , I have nothing to catch up on after my vacation ! ) , and there are now 68 people behind me . Where do we all come from ? Posted by Hello ! I 'm watching Antiques Roadshow and relaxing after a day of getting up early and catching a 7 : 10 flight from Albuquerque with stops in Houston and Dallas . I 'm also trying to ignore the sadness that comes on strong after leaving Porkchop . Murrr . Anyway , we had a very good visit , even though we weren 't able to swing a trip to the Balloon Fiesta . It 's okay . . . . I 've seen a couple of hot air balloon festivals before . So . . . . ThursdayPorkchop met me at the ABQ sunport a little after 10 : 00 . We took the bus into town and then stopped at her apartment before going to Tamarind . Visiting Tamarind was weird because I felt like I knew everyone , even though I had never met them before ( except for Alex , who visited St . Louis recently ) . After touring the studio and hanging out , we all went to the Frontier for lunch . I wasn 't very impressed with my vegetarian burrito , but I was happy to finally eat at the famous Frontier . After lunch , I sat in on a demo by Porkchop 's instructor . After that , we went back Porkchop 's apartment and opened anniversary presents ( 7 years today - woot ! ) . I received some Dagoba chocolate , a very pretty necklace from Mariposa ( a shop on Nob Hill ) , and a toy cap gun . While Porkchop headed back to the studio , I slept for a couple of hours . We had fast food Japanese for dinner and then later hung out at Patrick 's place . Patrick is Porkchop 's favorite Tamarind buddy and is a very nice ( although very young ) guy . At his apartment , we snacked on mixed nuts and played a fun Polish game - the name of which I cannot remember . FridayPorkchop left for Tamarind early in the morning while I slept in ( the high altitude makes me tired ! ) . I managed to squeeze in an hour and a half of knitting at Satellite Coffee before joining the Tamarind gang for lunch at Winnings ( yum ! hummus sandwich ! ) . In the afternoon , I went on the monthly official tour of Tamarind , during which I watched Four Stones for Kanemitsu . Once the tour concluded , I hung out in the studio and watched some of the students try their hand at a blend roll . After a spPosted by This weekend has been a mixed bag . . . Saturday seemed like a waste of a day while today has been pretty great . I got up kind of late Saturday morning ( 9 : 30 ) and leisurely gathered myself for the farmers market . The market is now pretty small with just a handful of vendors , but my favorites were still there . I picked up some tomatoes ( still tasty ! ) , apples , a sweet potato , whole wheat flour , an apple - oat scone , and a rosemary - goat cheese quiche . Originally , I intended to go to another free yoga class after the market , but that fell through because I thought the class started at noon instead of the correct time of 11 : 00 . Luckily , I checked the time before going to the studio and embarrassing myself . So , it was just me and my DVD instructor on Saturday . Murrrr . The rest of the day was filled with household tidying , grocery shopping , and picking up a print that I got framed for my workplace . Even though I was able to do some knitting Saturday night , the day just felt blah and wasted . Luckily , today has been different . I got out of bed a little after 8 : 30 and started making cookies around 9 : 00 . The cookie dough looked nice and fall - like ( now if only the stupid weather here would cooperate and stop being in the 80s ) : The cookies use whole wheat flour , dried apricots , cranberries , walnuts , and dark chocolate chips ( along with things like sugar , orange juice , vanilla , and so forth ) . The finished product is quite tasty : Yum ! My Trip to the CountyAfter video chatting with Porkchop ( we both had bedhead and pajamas on ) , cleaning up , and having a bit of lunch , I drove out to the South County mall . You might be asking why ? Because Porkchop saw some polka dotted slip - on Vans in Albquerque that she liked , and they had them on sale at a shoe store in the South County mall . That 's why . I picked up these little shoes for myself ( also on sale ) : I wish I could buy all of the designs that Eleanor Grosch has done for Keds . My favorites are the owls and swallows . I had a hard time deciding between the elephants and the parrots today ; the elephants wPosted by I 've been half - watching Ken Burns 's documentary about World War II . Right now , people are talking about the recycling and conservation efforts during WWII . Wouldn 't it be nice if the government still sponsored messages like , " Buy only what you need , " " Salvage what you can , " and " Recycle what you have " ? On a different note . . . I just returned from a terrific yoga class at South Town Yoga . The 90 minutes flew by and the instructor was totally great . Since the studio is offering free classes during its first month , I will be returning this weekend . I would buy a month membership , but I don 't think it would be worth it monetarily , so I 'll do a drop - in class every couple of weeks instead . This is proving to be quite a busy week ! Work is crazy , I went to yoga tonight , and tomorrow is my knitting class . Oh , yes , I never mentioned this knitting class . A couple of weeks ago , I went out for a decaf coffee drink and some knitting , and I stumbled upon a knitting group ! Of people my age who are really nice ! I quickly agreed to take a knitting class with them at the Nottingham continuing education center . While I haven 't had a burning question to ask the instructor yet , I like having scheduled knitting time during the week . Also , one of the women in the group was one of my classmates during the Missouri Scholars Academy . So , I already knew someone in the group . Kind of , that is . . . if you count someone you knew for 3 weeks when you were 15 . So , anyway , that 's it ! Have a great Wednesday ! Today has been an incredibly irritating day , but I shall not talk about that . Instead , I 'll talk about knitting and cotton . The KnittingI made a trip down to Jonesboro this weekend to see my parents , and I did quite a bit of knitting . First , I finished the second repeat of chart 1 for the Icarus shawl . It doesn 't look like I have much done yet , eh ? It 's no where near the widest point yet , but each row takes a good bit of time already . I look forward to the more interesting parts . . . I have to plug along through 3 more chart 1 repeats first . * sigh * Also , remember this guy ? It 's the second sock from the pair of Jaywalkers I started in March ! I stopped knitting the second sock during my knitting slump this summer . I didn 't * want * to pick up stitches for the heel gusset and it was so hot out ! So , I picked up those stitches down in Jonesboro and made a good amount of progress . I also snapped one of the needles while doing a double decrease . I am so strong , eh ? If I knit another pair of socks , I 'll definitely switch to metal needles . The CottonMy trip back to St . Louis yesterday was BORING , so BORING . I listened to the greatest hits of Simon & Garfunkle about 3 times until I finally picked up the St . Louis NPR station in time for most of This American Life . Anyway , part of the leg between Jonesboro and Kennett was full of picture taking ( thanks to Porkchop who reminded me that my phone has a really decent camera in it ) . It 's cotton - picking time in the Bootheel ! I took these photos for Porkchop , who has never seen this process ( maybe you haven 't either ) . Here 's what a cotton field looks like before it 's picked : Pretty ! I couldn 't get a good picture of the combines ( pronounced COM - bine ) , but look here for a good picture ( fun fact : combines cost nearly a quarter of a million dollars ! ) . Then , machines like this are used : I don 't know what the implement on the left is for , but the one on the right is the baler . It makes bales like these : Actually , I like to call these things loaves because they remind me of giant loaves of bread . Later , a giaPosted by Today has been a weird day . I got up super early to take Porkchop , her friend , and her friend 's boyfriend to the airport for an 8 : 00 flight . Murrrr . Murrrrr for Porkchop leaving and for getting up so early and not having much sleep anyway because my stomach was angry . I felt so not - so - hot , I ended up calling in sick to work , returning to bed after I got home , and sleeping for a few more hours . Why my Stomach HurtsSunday was a really weird food day . At my insistence , Porkchop and I had brunch at La Dolce Via . Here 's Porkchop looking very cute with her biscuits and gravy : Here 's my golden beet and white cheddar scramble and potatoes : We also shared a raspberry scone . While we were finishing up , Porkchop 's printing partner came in with a group of friends . When Porkchop started yelling at this group of early - 20 - somethings wearing skinny jeans , I couldn 't fathom how she knew any of them . Then I realized what was going on . A few hours after brunch , Porkchop 's parents picked us up and we went for a late lunch . For some reason , Porkchop 's mom LOVES the Old Spaghetti Factory in Laclede 's Landing , so that 's where we went . To date , I have been to OSF with Porkchop 's parents 3 or 4 times . After eating , Porkchop 's dad took us on an unexpected tour of construction projects that he has worked on . We were all over . . . North St . Louis , Central West End , and the Loop . At the Loop , we went to Ben & Jerry 's and had an enormous amount of ice cream . Oh , my stomach . After finally returning home , not much time passed until Porkchop 's printing partner called and asked if we wanted to meet up at Bailey 's Chocolate Bar . Not being able to have any more dessert , I stuck to a glass of Reisling . After returning home again , Porkchop had to finish printing an image from my laptop . I finally had to turn in at 11 : 00 ; Porkchop had to stay up much later . Of course , I couldn 't get to sleep forever and I kept waking up with stomach uneasiness . 5 : 30 came awfully early . I 'm glad Porkchop doesn 't hate me for getting to sleep more . Saturday was a Good DaySaturday morningPosted by After riding the train to the Grand stop and preparing to board the bus , I realized that I had left my wallet in my office . No wallet = no Metro pass = no bus rideWhile people crowded past me to board the bus , I relived the moment during which I hurriedly tossed my wallet in my top desk drawer as I dashed upstairs on a bagel run with my office - mate . Crap , crap , crap . I had to take the train back to school , sweating bullets at the thought of being accosted and kicked off the train during a random pass check . Fortunately , I made it to the Skinker stop without a problem . Then I just had to trek to my office and back ( a 15 - minute roundtrip walk ) and wait 15 minutes for a train . Then I had to wait for a bus . I finally got home after stopping for take out at Bahn Mi So # 1 . Dinner was good ; the talipia spring rolls were especially tasty . Unfortunately , things took a turn for the worse when , while collecting dirty laundry to wash , I realized that there were no less than a dozen mosquitoes in the bedroom . What the fuck ? ! Why can 't I catch a break tonight ? Jesus . I don 't know where the hell mosquitoes are coming from . All the windows are closed now ( even though I never had a bedroom one open to being with ) , and I 'm sitting guard , ready to smash more mosquitoes . The good news . . . I haven 't seen a roach since Tuesday morning . Of course , I imagine that this will the night when a whole herd invades my kitchen . Wonderful * sigh * I had a strange and amusing ( to me , anyway ) dream last night , which I will now share with you . Because I know you 're interested in what fills my head at night . The gist of my dream was that Barry White 's fan club headquarters was up for sale . Barry 's HQ was a sweet brick bungalow with a huge patio and backyard area . My brother ( who was nothing at all like my real brother ) put in a call about the place because he was shopping around for a house . To show your true interest in the house , you had to sing some Barry White songs to the fan club manager . I joined my brother in this audition , and the product wasn 't so great . The fan club manager was not impressed , so my brother didn 't have much of a chance to buy the house . While lamenting this fact to my brother and saying how much we sucked while singing , my brother had a different take on it . He said , " It wasn 't the singing so much , it 's more of a personal difference . The fan club manager just doesn 't understand people who wouldn 't blow a lotto jackpot on eclairs . " In my dream , I thought to myself , " That 's a really good line . I 've gotta use that on my blog . " So there you have it . Later , I woke up and had Tom Jones 's " It 's Not Unusual " playing in my head . P . S . In the dream , the HQ was being sold along with the fan club website URL , which was www . someprettygood . com . This address doesn 't exist in real life . Posted by Just a few minutes ago , a professor had to talk to me about some accounting forms that need to be submitted . The prof was chomping on some leftover pizza , so I maintained a distance that would allow me to breathe non - pizza air . The prof stepped closer , eating and talking with a mouth full of fragrant ( in a bad way ) pizza . I stepped back , the prof stepped closer , and so the dance continued . The worse part . . . the prof 's jaw or teeth kept clicking while she chewed . I am so grossed out . Posted by 1 . I 've never knit lace stuff . 2 . I don 't wear shawls . 3 . I don 't have any lace needles . 4 . I don 't have a blocking boad or wires or pins . Heck , I rarely ever block things ( shhhhh . ) . 5 . I rarely knit from a chart . 6 . I have 3 easy projects that I can 't seem to finish . 7 . I just bought the Icarus pattern . 8 . I 'm leaving to buy Addi lace needles . 9 . I 'm hungry . Hello ! I 'm currently sitting at La Dolce Via and enjoying a decaf latte and a nectarine scone . I 'm wishing I wasn 't being so budget conscious this week and felt fine splurging on one of their scrambles ( salmon / spinach / mozzarella or beet / lump crab / parmegiano ) or their omelette ( asparagus / roasted portabello / gruyere ) . Next Sunday , I will suggest ( nay , insist ! ) , that Porkchop and I come here for brunch . YES ! You read that correctly ! Porkchop will be here next weekend for a 42 - hour visit ( arriving Saturday afternoon and leaving early Monday morning ) . Porkchop decided to come next weekend - even though I will be there the first weekend in October - because she doesn 't know when else she 'll be able to make it . Even though she is busy printing now , she will be even busier later in the fall . Additionally , her printing partner is coming to St . Louis next weekend to visit a friend . Since Porkchop can 't print without her partner , she might as well come here too ! Last WeekWork is busy busy busy . We have a big meeting in October and a conference in November . I 'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed . However , I 'm learning new things . Like how to use one of our school 's . asp scripts to create an on - line conference registration database for participants . In addition to the meeting and conference , our school is also rolling out a new CRM system and a new publications database . This will mean a lot of data scrubbing , training , dealing with bugginess , and getting people used to the new systems . Blah , blah , blah . In conclusion , I find myself rarely checking my personal email at work , looking at other people 's blogs , or doing other web trolling . I realize this is probably a good thing , but I usually don 't feel like getting on the computer when I 'm at home . . . . so I find myself dreadfully behind on things . Anyway , it 's my same old song . Some Good ThingsAfter work on Friday , I stopped at Wei Hong for take - out . I left with a huge serving of ma - po tofu ( spicy ! ) , a BBQ pork bun , a red bean cake , and a lotus cake . While waiting for my tofu , I studied thPosted by

The stock market . . . I usually ignore the news . Turn it off and watch comedy instead , because these things depress me . But since I 've been here , Lola really likes to follow it . Incisively . So I have been following the market and the politics that go along with it . Somehow I found myself doing more research on the stock market and the other " blacks " we 've had as a country . . . . All the Major Crashes have occurred at the same time of year : October 29 , 1929 ( Tuesday ) October 19 , 1987 ( Monday ) September 17 . 2001 ( Monday ) - this one really doesn 't count because it was just out of post - 9 / 11 fear , but then again the Great Depression can be attributed to fear and panic by the American PeopleSeptember 29 , 2008I have no idea if there is anything more than coincidence on these things , BUT if anyone has any clue as to why it always seems to happen in the fall , please enlighten me . Moving on , ( right after I bury all my money under one of the Teton Mountains ) . . . Happy thoughts : I took Elu to the river today to play with JD ( Shane 's sister 's dog ) and Bomber ( My friend Michelle 's puppy ) o the river to play . . . she 's completely and utterly passed out right now ! She and her furry friends got DIRTY and WET and played and played and played ! ! ! Then I went and had dinner with the new Roomie and a couple of her friends . There was pizza and football and PBR tallboys . it was super ! I got a box of clothes from my mom . . . that was cool . I am ready for snow to fall . . . A lift pass for the season at Snow King is $ 179 if I get it before October 31st . . . come on gimme a job someone ! ! ! ! After that it 's $ 209 , not too bad for unlimited snowboarding - and on the weekends they keep the lifts open until 8pm ! TetonVillage , however is a little more expensive : a season pass is $ 2 , 000 . BUT You can get a ten day pass for $ 700 , or buy them by the day for $ 50 a pop . . . That 's a big decision to make . Do I want to just learn how to ski the smaller mountain and take an end - of - the - season splurge at the Village , or go on and buy a pass for the Village and not Snow King ? or in Tricia so . . . since I last posted a lot has happened . Yellowstone was amazing , as you can see from the pictures , the complete album of pics if up on Facebook , if you have it go check it out . We drove all over the park ( west side at least ) and went into Montana for a second , first trip to Montana , I had Arby 's there ( which was nice ' cause there is no Arby 's in Jackson ) . Yellowstone trip was Wednesday . Thursday I met Shane at the Cadillac for happy hour and a Burger . Upon arrival , I run into our friend Eric and Christen and her boyfriend . We ate there , left and went to the Tavern , watched Oregon State upset USC , ( Badass game btw ) then we went to 43North and saw a jazz band . Overall , great evening . Friday I went hiking the Teton National Park . We went up Death Canyon . It was about 4 miles in and then back out . I forgot my camera , and I 'm kicking myself for it because it was so beautiful . The Rockefellers used to OWN the mountain , luckily they were generous enough to share this majestic land with the rest of the country . We hiked into Phelps Lake , it was about 2 miles to get to the back side of the lake . I have never seen water so blue ! In the summer , it is swimmable , but it 's never what one would call warm . After the hike , I met Shane and some of her friends at the " feeding grounds " ( Game and Fish land ) . We played Frisbee and drank beer by the river while the dogs ran and played . That puts us at Friday night , oh what a night ! I met up with Liz and Mel around nine o ' clock for a night of bar hopping , which ended at 43North for a DJ dance party ! Saturday I met up with Shane for breakfast and helped her go shopping for an outfit for the Ski Ball , the black tie blue jeans fundraiser for the Jackson Hole Ski Club . While looking for a pair of cowboy boots for her to wear with her new skirt we ran across Crocs boots . We had to leave the store because we were laughing so hard . We also went into the fur and leather store - wow ! rich " cowboys " in Jackson are my new favorite demographic ! Went home and watched the Auburn Game , WAR EAGLE , even Posted by Fist off : Auburn put up a hell of a fight last night ! Too bad it wasn 't quite enough . I really have nothing more to say about Saturday 's game . Update on the Roommate / Housing front : Nathan bailed on Shane and I , a room came open in a house with some of his friends and its month - to - month which worked out better for him , so that 's fine . Shane and I are back on the hunt , just the two of us . BUT yesterday I got a call from a girl named Liz , who has one other roommate and they are trying to fill a five bedroom house . They want $ 540 a month plus utilities , and it 's ON THE RIVER ! ! ! I 'm going to look at it Tuesday afternoon , hopefully it will work out . Jobs are still nil . But I am fairly confident that come October , when the snow starts falling and people start leaving , there will be more jobs that open up . I thought that the winter would be the big season here , but as far as people who LIVE here , there are less in the winter , more tourists , but less " locals " in the winter . I think the snow should start falling soon . We got a little dusting up on top of the mountain yesterday . The leaves are changing , and it 's not as pretty as , say , North Carolina in the fall , but it 's quite breathtaking none - the - less . There 's not a lot of reds and purples like you see in the east , but tons of golden , majestic yellow everywhere . In Elu news : Elu has a new calling ! She is now a " ball dog . " Whenever Lola goes out to hit tennis balls , Elu goes with her . She waits at the net for Lola to serve the balls Then she runs after the ball and brings it to the net , so the balls are all in one location when she goes to pick them up . However , sometimes there 's too many balls to get , and her mouth doesn 't seem to be big enough to fit more than one ball at a time ! In Tricia news : I 'm doing well , I had a rough day the other day , but I guess the rain can follow you anywhere . I didn 't come out here to run away from my problems , I came out here for fresh air and wide open spaces and I 've found that the air up here really does help to pass the dark times a lot fasTricia Just to reiterate my previous post , here 's why I miss the south for football season : Stadium Size : NORTH : College football stadiums hold 20 , 000 people . SOUTH : High school football stadiums hold 20 , 000 people . Campus Decor : NORTH : Statues of founding fathers . SOUTH : Statues of Heisman trophy winners . Homecoming Queen : NORTH : Also a physics major . SOUTH : Also Miss America . . Cheerleaders : NORTH : If you are slightly coordinated , you make the varsity squad . SOUTH : You begin cheer camp at age two , complete with ballet , dance , & gymnastic training . Getting Tickets : NORTH : 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets . SOUTH : 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list . Women 's Accessories : NORTH : ChapStick in back pocket and a $ 20 bill in the front pocket . SOUTH : Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks , waterproof mascara , and a fifth of Jack Daniels / Crown . Money is not necessary - That 's what dates are for . Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game : NORTH : Students and teachers not sure they 're going to the game , Because they have classes on Friday . SOUTH : Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don 't want to see The few hung - over students that might actually make it to class and throw up on their floor . Parking : NORTH : An hour before game time , the University opens the campus for game parking . SOUTH : RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for The weekend festivities . The really faithful arrive on Tuesday . Game Day : NORTH : A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV . SOUTH : Every student wakes up , has a beer for breakfast , and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting " Game Day Live " to get on camera and wave to the folks up north . Tailgating : NORTH : Raw meat on a grill , beer with lime in it , listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down . SOUTH : 30 - foot custom pig - shaped smoker fires up at dawn . Cooking accompanied by live performance by " Dave Matthews ' Band , " who come over during breaks aPosted by on a rainy Saturday out west when SEC football doesn 't come on TV ? ? Luckily the Auburn game will be on later this evening . The first football game on local television doesn 't come on until 1 : 30 - obviously these people do not GET college football . I remember when I was little , all dressed up in my Auburn Cheerleader outfit , clutching my plastic streamer and getting out of the car down on the plains . . . The sound of the drum line warming up by the Eagles ' cage made my heart leap ! Walking into that stadium and seeing the players warming up on the field and the roar of the crowd getting excited made my heart feel warm . Even in the crisp air of late October , you felt all warm inside . As I got older , I learned to appreciate the players and the calls and learned to bitch and moan about bad calls . . . There 's nothing like going to an SEC football game . One year , I remember my cousin being asked to leave the sky box because he dropped the f - bomb one too many times ( Auburn was losing and it was justified , but there were very important people around ) . It was a time with family and friends , yelling and screaming , sitting down was nearly impossible . Out here , football is a Sunday thing , pick a pro - team and cheer along . . . but where is the heart ? The west has everything I want : scenery , outdoor activities galore , good people , good beer and wide - open spaces , but sacrificing football for all that ? WOW ! I 'll tell ya , it 's pretty tough . Okay okay , I didn 't mean to take my lighthearted and fun loving blog to the dark side by talking about politics . My family already thinks I 've " gone off the deep end " when it comes to my political opinions , so I guess I 'll leave that alone for now . SO , on a lighter note : I have found roommates ! Shane , a 23 year old Jackson Hole local girl ( by local I mean born and raised ! ) and Nathan , a 25 year old investment banker on sabbatical from Boston . We met for drinks yesterday evening and ended up hitting it off big time . I 'm very excited about the possibility of living with these two . We all have a lot in common and a love for throwing parties , but also a mutual need to have our house NOT be grand central station . So , hopefully it will all work out . and even better : We may have found a house ! ( there are actually two that we are talking to landlords about at the moment ) It 's a little out of our price range , they are asking $ 2 , 900 a month ! ! But Shane and I are each willing to pay up to $ 700 . And Nathan said he didn 't mind picking up some slack , but that 's a lot of slack , so we 're going to try and talk them down . But before you go thinking " DAMN ! that 's a lot of freaking money for a house ! " let me tell you that this is a pretty reasonable amount to pay here in Jackson . A studio apartment the size of my kitchen back home goes for $ 750 and more . This particular house is ON the Snake River , 10 miles south of Jackson . It 's actually a four bedroom , so we could get a 4th roommate , but I am wary of living with more than two other people . . . However this house has a fenced in yard for the puppies , laundry room , and a huge patio / deck overlooking the river . I 'm just saying . . . The other house is a little high as well , maybe they are willing to come down just a little . . . but this one is on Snow King mountain . It is a three bedroom log cabin with a sauna and heated floors . HEATED FLOORS ! ! how cool is that ? ! ? ! I haven 't seen either one of them in person yet , so I 'll be sure and take pictures when I do . Job front : bad day on the job front . I spentPosted by DRILL DRILL DRILLby Eve Ensler . ( playwright and activist ) I am having Sarah Palin nightmares . I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks . I have a particular thing for Polar Bears . Maybe it 's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one . Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice . Whatever it is , I need the polar bears . I don 't like raging at women . I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community , help empower women and stop violence against them . It is hard to write about Sarah Palin . This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical . The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists . But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story - - connected to saving the earth , ending racism , empowering women , giving young girls options , opening our minds , deepening tolerance , and ending violence and war . I believe that the McCain / Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime , and should this country chose those candidates the fall - out may be so great , the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover . But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world . Unfortunately , this is not a joke . In my lifetime I have seen the clownish , the inept , the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity . Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution . I take this as a metaphor . In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves . She does not believe in global warming . The melting of the arctic , the storms that are destroying our cities , the pollution and rise of cancers , are all part of God 's plan . She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list . The earth , Posted by Been looking for a job . Been looking for a place to live and someone to live with . AH ! ! ! ! There 's a lot to do ! The job hunt : Applied several places yesterday and going to keep on trucking , I interviewed at Eddie Bauer yesterday afternoon , and pretty much have the job there if I want it . It pays decently , but i think I could do better if i worked on a resort , just not sure if I 'm cut out for that kinda work or not . I 'll keep you posted on further developmentsOn the roommate front : There 's a website here in Jackson , JacksonHoleRadio . com , you can post free ads and respond to them etc . There are TONS of people looking to rent a room or looking to find a roommate and house - hunt together . I 've already had several people contact me and respond to my contacting them . I am meeting with a girl names Shane tomorrow morning for coffee to see if we are truly compatible to room together , so I will for sure let you know what 's going on with that as well . On the friend front : Lola and I went out to the Wort Hotel with my 2nd cousin once removed , or something like that , Barbara and her friend Shelia . The ladies were CRACKING me up with every guy that walks past me , " What about him ? " they would ask . There were two girls dancing to the band and it made me REALLY miss my girls back home . I went up to one of them , her name is Sarah and told her that watching her dance made me sad that I left my dancing buddies behind in Alabama , she invited me to dance with them . I had a blast ! After i sat back down at the table , Lola wanted to introduce me to her friend Erin . I walk over to the table and shake the girls hand and hear " Hey , that girl 's from Alabama ! " I turn around and see one of my old college buddies sitting at the table . " Clint ! ! I heard you were living out here ! " I was so happy to see an old buddy ! We exchanged numbers and hopefully I 'll get up with him in the near future . He also has a friend that is moving out of a house and looking to sublet her room , the only issue is that I would have to live with three guys . . . so we 'll see about thaPosted by Friday : Lola took me on a little tour of the Snake River . . . here 's some shots from there Then on Saturday , my friend Pete had the day off and offered to show me around the Grand Teton National Park . We went off the beaten path and enjoyed the hot springs : The spring was almost too hot for us to swim in . This little area with the water fall was bearable , but it most definitely was hot ! ! This picture was taken on the hike out from the hot springs . After we got back to the car , we went a few miles down the river and did a little fly fishing . I actually held a fly rod in my hand and was pretty good at casting it . No fish , but I did get the hang of it . Sorry , I forgot to get pics of me actually fishing , but here 's the river that I fished . Driving back from the river I got a cool picture at sunset of the Jackson Lake and the Teton mountains . After a day outdoors , we went and had a burger at the Jackson Lake Lodge . Sunday : I went with Pete over to a friend of his house in Driggs , Idaho to watch some football . Apparently everyone out here watches NFL , rather than SEC . . . but whatever , it was still football . We watched some football , Denver and someone . . . I wasn 't paying much attention , because , well , it 's not Auburn and Elu was in the backyard with two other dogs . After watching some football , we went to go play a round of disc golf . I 'm terrible at disc golf . But it was nice to walk around outside and see the local flavor of Idaho . After a rousing game of disc gold , Pete and I went over to his friend Chip 's house and ate some dinner , then played a fantastic game of Presidents and Assholes . I was standing President for at least five games ! Today brought me back to the real world just a little bit and I spent the afternoon filling out job applications and paying bills online . Tomorrow is another day of pounding the pavement . Some things I learned while driving cross country : apparently in the back - woods in North Carolina there is a market for single - wide trailers with the " log cabin " look - I 'm talking plastic logs glued to the outside of the trailer . Shelby and Jefferson are both VERY common names for countiesif you 're driving through Kentucky , make time to stop at the Bourbon Trail . . . sounds really interestingyour favorite music is not always the best to drive to . However , Fall out Boy surprisingly makes for great solo - road trip tunesSunflower seeds are excellent to subside hunger between pit - stopsAudio Books will SAVE YOUR LIFE when you 're in the car for 13 + hours . It 's like watching TV , but better ! ! replace windshield wipers before leaving your city . Dogs make excellent travel companionsalways a good idea to have a road trip mascot - I had Figment , he 's the mascot of good luck and imagination So . . . latest update . I 'm now in Jackson Hole , Wyoming . I left Fort Collins about 5pm because my car was in the shop ALL day ! I was able to get laundry done before leaving , so it wasn 't such a bad thing after all . I headed north towards Jackson . All was fine , the car 's running smoothly and the dog 's nice and worn out from playing with Burch for hours so I 'm just cruising along . I turned over 100 , 000 miles in Wyoming : Around 9 or 10 o ' clock I got REALLY sleepy , so I pulled over at the nearest rest stop and closed my eyes for about 30 minutes . Not long after I continued driving I got to Lander , Wy . Actually it 's a really cool looking town , but I stopped and got some coffee and filled up with gas again and kept on going . Lander is about two hours from Jackson . SO I 'm cruising along again , wide awake and happy . I 'm the only person driving on this road , maybe a truck every now and then ( not on the interstate , no no , the interstate doesn 't come anywhere near Jackson ) so UP over the mountain . . . two deer cross the road , Elu barks at them , then a little ways further UP over the mountain and a fox crosses the road . Cruising . . . . then " be prepared to stop " so I sPosted by Here are some more pictures from Tour de Fat : And we also went to Red Rocks for Sound Tribe Sector 9 later that evening . I was really too worn out from the long day of biking and drinking New Belgium Beers . But I had a wonderful time anyway ! In other news , I really like this town , a lot ! not entirely sure what my next move is , but I know that it 's time to move on . I could stay here forever , except for the fact that I 'm crashing on a couch and starting to feel like I 've over stayed my welcome . So I 'll be moving on in the morning , as soon as my car gets fixed . I 'm thinking about heading on to Wyoming and dropping some of my stuff off before coming back to Colorado for the next couple of weeks . Two reasons for this 1 - gas mileage will be a lot better if I 'm only carrying half the amount of stuff that I 've been carrying and 2 - I have no where to go for the next couple of days . as it is raining and gross in Colorado and I don 't have any other places to stay really . . . just camping , and camping in 30 degree rain does not sound like a lot of fun . Elu and I are highly enjoying ourselves in the cooler weather . Sunday I learned how to play polish horseshoes . Basically , it 's a 2 poles with beer bottles on top and a Frisbee . goal = knock beer bottle off opponents ' pole . Burch and I won four games in a row before Anna and Mike gave up . Elu hated the game ' cause she couldn 't chase the Frisbee ! She was all tied up . Tried to get my car fixed yesterday , but they forgot to order the part , so I had to stay one more day . So yesterday Anna and I watched season 4 of WEEDS and then went out to the bar for a quick drink , then back to the house and to bed at a decent hour . Now , I 'm about to run my vehicle back to the Honda dealership and get it fixed . And make some phone calls . Have a great day , today will be a good day to call me , as I will be in the car for 7 hours or so today . I made it to Colorado . . . Left Knoxville Early in the morning after getting my car looked at . It is my oxygen sensor . Basically I 'm getting 2 mpg less than usual , but the car is drivable , although not very eco - friendly . Drive from Knoxville to Omaha , Nebraska in one day . Got up Friday morning and drove to Fort Collins Colorado ( I have some interesting things to say about my car ride , but it 's not nearly as cool as what I 've done since I 've been here , so I 'm skipping out of order for the sake of your entertainment ) . When I got to Colorado , I met up with my friend Mike , his girlfriend , Anna and his roommate Burch . I was at their house long enough to take a shower and get cleaned up before heading out to Mishawaka Amplitheater to hear the Emmit - Nershi Band . We camped out on the island in the river . Elu went with us , and had a ball . We left her in the car to sleep while we went to the show , but before and after the show , she hung out with other dogs and swam in the river and ran around - she had a ball , and so did I ! We woke up early the next morning to go to the Tour de Fat in downtown Ft Collins . I cannot even begin to describe this , so I 'll say a couple of facts and then let the pictures speak for themselves . One : 7 , 500 person bike parade Two : Fat Tire donated the beer and all proceeds go to helping make Ft . Collins a more bike - friendly place to live . Three : Everyone ( mostly ) wore costumes . a girl traded in her car for a phat Fat Tire bike . . . and the head liner for the evening was the March Forth marching band and dancers . . this chick was the most amazing hula hooper . . . computer 's about to die and I want to get this posted so more to come on part two later .

Tomorrow will be the last day for a whole month that I 'll be able to see Kachina freely , as I have been . Mostly , my trouble is trying not to be selfish and ignoring what 's best for her just because I want her close . Plus , I have to remember that her intended future is that of a performance horse ; I have to give her the best shot at reaching her potential , and that 's just not going to happen if she 's sitting in a stall getting treats and pets from me ( she 'll still get them on Saturdays , though ! ) . It really is like sending your kid off to college . Even though I 've made my decision , and I believe that it was the best one for Kachina , tomorrow will be bittersweet . Sunday , Mom and I will be trailering her to La Grange . We 'll probably take our time and make the drive somewhat leisurely , so I 'll be sure to take lots of pictures of me and Kachina 's first road trip together ! Of course , it 'll probably be very uneventful ( that 's a good thing , though , isn 't it ? ) . On an unrelated note : If any of you are following Kachina 's Twitter you probably know that my grandfather was taken to the hospital last night . As of Midnight they hadn 't found what was wrong with him , so they were planning to do a CAT scan . I don 't know anything else yet , but I 'm hoping there will be some information soon . The results may affect Kachina 's trip to La Grange , obviously . So , I 'm facing a tough decision regarding Kachina - - probably the toughest decision I 've had to make since buying her - - and I only have until this weekend to make it . The situation : Donna and Tony are going out of town for about seventeen days starting next week . Fancy is going to be boarded at another place , which leaves Kachina alone . I can 't be there in the morning to feed her , due to work , so I 'll need to board her somewhere as well for that time . At the stable down the street , where Maverick stays , it would be about $ 300 for just those two weeks . The trainer I apprentice with said that he 'd board ( not train ) her for a month for me , because I 'm in his program , for $ 300 . The problem : If she 's at the stable with Maverick , I can see her just about every day , same as now . However , for the same price I can have her with my trainer - - whom I trust and can evaluate her potential as a cow horse - - for a longer amount of time . But she 'd be in La Grange , two hours drive away without traffic , and I 'd only be able to see her on Saturdays when I go up to train . Either option costs the same . So , what would you guys do ? Would you board her at the more expensive stable for two weeks , but be able to see her every day ? Or would you put her with your trainer , who is an old friend of the family and who you trust , get her evaluated and , possibly , give her a little nudge on her road to being a penning horse ( but I stress , she won 't be getting official training - - I can 't afford it right now . Just advice , and getting familiar with the work ) , but see her less often . The kicker is that I have to decide by , well , tomorrow . Donna and Tony are taking Fancy on the third , which means that if I move her to La Grange it 'll have to be Saturday . Eek . ( And just so you guys don 't think I 'm a total flake , I had a plan to board her at the stable in Richmond with Rico and Gypsy weeks ago , but it fell through , so this is a last minute thing . I do plan things ahead , I swear ! ) Edit : Thanks for the advice , guys ( and keep it coming , I love hearing your opinionPosted by Since a few of you asked , I scrounged up some pictures of Sage . This was Sage when she was younger ; two , according to my mom . Her mane was a beautiful white that darkened as she aged . ( One of her foals , Billy , changed color drastically as well ; he went from a coal black foal , to sorrel , to pure white , to a silvery coat similar to his mother 's ) : This is Sage at five . You can see how the red came into her mane later : This is my mom playing around on Sage . If mom looks freakishly short , that 's because she is . Seriously , I 'm 5 ' 5 " and I can pretty much eat soup off her head . ( ok , some of it is also bad lighting , but she is really short ! ) : Mom and Sage warming up before a parade . They rode in the Black Cowboy Parade every year , and they often dressed up . My favorite picture is of Mom dressed up in traditional Native dress , riding Sage bareback . It hangs on the wall ( it 's big , no way to scan it ! ) . A salute to our Native blood ! Not sure about the hat - and - jacket combo in this picture ; mom usually had much better fashion sense , I swear ! : And a bonus ! I stumbled onto this picture of my grandmother and grandfather and instantly loved it , so I decided to post it too : ( by the way , the horse in that picture is Billy Chico , the sire of Sage 's aforementioned foal , Billy ) Memorial Day , to me , has always meant more than remembering just military heroes . It 's a time to reflect on those who have helped me become the person I am , or given me the opportunity to lead the life I do , and who have made the roads I take easier by paving the path ahead of me . I have a long list that includes both humans and animals , as my experiences with both have helped to shape my view of the world today . They 're all equally important , but since this blog is ultimately about horses , I felt inclined to talk about my first equine teacher . I 've mentioned a horse named Sage in this blog before . Sage was my mother 's horse , a red roan Appaloosa mare that she bought as a filly for $ 125 . Sage was a true , classic Appaloosa , right down to her Indian Shuffle . She 's the reason why I love the breed - - and horses in general - - and to this day I still secretly crave an Appy ( well , maybe not so secretly ; just don 't tell Maverick and Kachina ! ) . She was the ultimate teacher : patient , loving , wise and , when she needed to be , firm . A horse of all trades , she often went from being a baby sitter in the morning , a barrel horse in the afternoon , a parade horse in the evening and a ranch horse the next day . It was on Sage that my mother won over 300 barrel racing trophies - - sometimes competing in two or three gymkhanas a day ! My mom and Sage were very close to going pro , but she got pregnant with my older sister and rodeos just sorta fell by the wayside . I have a picture of me at ten - months - old , bareback and alone on Sage , while my mom lunged her around the round pen . She was that good . That was how I started riding , and Sage was my first partner . Sage and my mom had the kind of connection I can only dream of having with a horse . Mom would leave her untied to do chores , and Sage would stand where she was put . When she wanted her , mom would whistle and call her name , and Sage would perk her ears and trot off after her . Mom could lunge her at liberty in an open space , even in the middle of a park or out on trail . I remember times , as a Posted by Yesterday , as I was getting gas , a guy came over to me and wanted to demonstrate some " Top Secret " NASCAR cleaning product on my truck . I had a few minutes to kill so I humored him , although I already knew what would come of it . He sprayed and scrubbed and sprayed and scrubbed , but the spots he labored over looked no different than when he 's started . Frustrated , he tried to explain that , probably , it just needs to sit on for a while before it gets scrubbed off , so he tried waiting a few minutes with no improved results . Finally , unable to watch his frustration and confusion swell any more than it had , I explained to him that , while I was sure the product he was promoting was indeed amazing , my truck has been through mud and dust and gunk and all sorts of nasty environments , it 's hauled hay and horses , and probably hasn 't been cleaned for , oh , four or five years ( save for a rinse at a Solar Car Wash back in November ) . He was baffled . Poor city creatures know nothing about a ranch truck . A ranch truck , like its equine and canine counterparts , has been everywhere and done everything . Like a good ranch horse or ranch dog , it can preform the difficult tasks that trucks half its age and twice its cost balk at , takes care of you in situations when it should , by all means , fall apart , and wears the dirt that comes from a good day 's work like a badge of pride . This is my ranch truck : A 1990 Ford F - 150 Lariat fondly known as Calamity Jane . Calamity was / is my first vehicle , passed down from my grandmother after she bought her newer F - 250 that I 've named The Honker ( although I think she was always meant to be mine ; she was bought on my birthday , after all ! ) . She 's been a patient teacher and a reliable partner , even if she drinks gas like there 's no tomorrow and drifts a little . One of the best things about her is that she gets instant respect from the other cars on the road ; no one wants to tangle with a real truck ! She 's in amazing shape for her age . Her rear end is definitely her best side . This bumper sticker was left over fromPosted by Those of you who have been following Kachina 's Twitter probably know that I received Kachina 's paperwork back from The Sun on Thursday . I was super excited at the prospect of finally registering Kachina after such a long , up - hill process . Unfortunately , I called the APHA this afternoon and they said that The Son wasn 't authorized to sign any paperwork for the horses ; he never bothered to fill out the required paperwork to get authorization , which would require sending in death certificates and such . Seeing as how it 's taken nearly five months to get him to put a signature on paper , I don 't see any chance of him actually finding a death certificate , filling out the paperwork , calling the APHA and getting registered . I asked the woman what I was supposed to do , seeing as how the original owner was deceased . She told me that there were two owners listed - - the old man , and his wife - - and to her knowledge , the wife was still alive and she told me her name . So , in a desperate attempt , I Googled the wife 's name . After some investigative work that would make Sherlock Holmes proud I found her address and phone number ! And , as it lists her husband and son 's names too , I 'm positive it 's the right person . I 'll call today after work and see if I can get her to sign the paperwork instead . Wish me luck ! Let 's hope she 's easier to work with than her son . As the weather gets warmer , I 've been content to just spend the day being lazy with Kachina . I feel a little guilty , since this would be the perfect time to start schooling her , but I also really enjoy just spending time with her without any pressure . Then I realized that I am teaching her ; she 's learning very subtle , but vital , life skills that only come when we spend this sort of time together . She isn 't head - shy about her ears any longer ; in fact , she sort of enjoys having them stroked . She let me braid the bit of mane along her bridlepath , dangerously close to her ears , without a fight , something that would have been unheard of a month ago ( although she didn 't like me spending too much time there fiddling with my makeshift rubberband ) . I 'm tempted to braid feathers in her mane and really make her look like a little Indian Pony ! Before , she wasn 't too sure about my habit of kissing her muzzle , but now she actually puts her face close to mine and asks for kisses . Sometimes she 'll even put her face against mine and blow softly , in a sort of horsey kiss of her own . When I groom or scratch her , she will crane her neck around to lip at my hair , back or hip . At first I was concerned , believing that it was best not to let her get into the habit of mouthing me , least it turn into nipping or biting . But I had to realize that lipping is not nipping ; there 's absolutely no malice or brattiness in it , and she 's incredibly gentle and happy while doing it , with her ears floppy and her eyes soft . So I figured , how hypocritical of me would it be to expect her to stand still and let me groom her when I 'm not willing to trust her enough to let her do the same ? So now we groom each other , and she 's extremely sweet and careful about it , and I try to be as well . At feeding time , she 's learning to be patient and polite when getting her grain . She will walk behind me and throw her head excitedly ( and probably in an attempt to hurry me up ) , but she 's starting to get the idea that trying to stick her head in the bucket before I clip it to Posted by My mother and I have a tradition of making , not buying , gifts for each other on special days . For Christmas last year I gave her a charcoal drawing of Sage , an Appaloosa mare who was my first teacher and babysitter , and with whom my mother had a particularly close , deep , and almost mystical connection with . The year before that , I gave her a handmade plushie of Maverick ( my first adventure into sewing which , amazingly , hasn 't fallen apart yet ) . I 've been so busy lately that I haven 't had time for any art ; the last time I drew anything was last July ! So I knew I wanted to draw my mom a picture for Mother 's Day , and Kachina was my muse ! It was meant to be just a sketch , but she 's so colorful that I couldn 't resist messing around with it in Photoshop . Now , after a week , it 's finally done ! Well . . that 's not true , I 'll probably fiddle around with it between now and Sunday , since I never seem to be satisfied with the completion of a project . But let 's call it done anyway ! To anyone who has ever cared for , and loved , another living thing - human , animal or flora - Happy Mother 's Day ! I hope you get everything you deserve and more ! Yesterday we threw Kachina an improvised birthday party , complete with a grab bag of birthday goodies that she got to open . She , of course found the apple first , and made quick work of it ( and the apple - flavored receipt that I forgot was in the bag - - oops ! ) . Then we passed out carrots to Kachina and Fancy . Even Odin joined in the celebration ! The biggest hit were the Oat & Honey bars ( Maverick loves these too ) ! Finally , I had bought Kachina a Jolly Ball because she loves to paw and mouth at things . But Odin decided that it must be for him , and very happily carried it off . Ah well , I 'll find Kachina a more horse - appropriate gift . Any suggestions ? Despite the gray weather , it was a lot of fun to make a celebration out of Kachina 's birthday . P took some great pictures too . I 'll post them as soon as I get copies . Here 's to many more happy , healthy birthdays together , Kachina ! Today is a very special day ! No , not Cinco de Mayo ; today is Kachina 's birthday ! Everyone 's favorite painted pony is now officially two - years - old and , although she 's technically a filly until she 's four , to me it 's still a big stepping stone for a horse . Now it 's time to introduce more of the Big Mare concepts she 'll need for the real world . Not to mention that it 's extra - special because it 's her first birthday that we 've spent together . It 's just too bad that it 's so rainy and ugly out - - not good picture taking weather . Now the issue is To Start or Not To Start . I 'm from the old school teaching of " Start ' em young and easy " - - meaning start a horse around twenty - four to twenty - eight months , but start them very slow and light , with no pressure and no strain . Of course , there 's also the thought that horses shouldn 't be started until they 're four , five , six - years - old to ensure that their joints and bones are all set and strong . This makes a lot of sense , and I certainly want to ensure that Kachina lives a very long and healthy life . I 've been giving her calcium supplements for just this reason . There 's also the fact , however , that she 's going to ( hopefully ) be a performance horse , and as such I need to be sure that she has a fair shot against the competition . That means allowing her the time to learn , train and practice . Most penning horses are started early . You can bet I 've been talking to as many people as possible - - trainers , competitors , veterinarians , old - time - cowboys , English riders and just your average horse person - - to learn about their experiences and get their advice on the subject , and I 'll continue to do so . If anyone wants to share they 're opinion , I 'd love to hear it ( just be nice , of course ! ) . Besides all that , Kachina 's growing up big and healthy ! I measured her weight Sunday and she 's almost 700 lbs ! I don 't know if that 's normal for a two - year - old , but when I first got her she was only about 500 lbs . Way to go Kachina ! Hopefully the light will allow me to take pictures of her , and show off how muchPosted by

Today is the 55th independence day of the Philippines . People online kept on posting things about today 's event while I was just at home binge watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians in the morning and Coffee Prince in the afternoon . There 's nothing significant on this day for me and I know I should really be proud or anything but I 'm just a small girl trying to figure out her life and celebrating Independence Day isn 't something significant for me . In order to gradually detoxicate my life from social media , I deactivated my Facebook for a while . It 's just Instagram and twitter that remained alive . So far , all I see are celebrities and picturesque sceneries online . It 's less toxic than people posting several things online as most of the persons I follow in Instagram are not my real life friends . I told myself I was suppose to work today but I only started working at around 5 in the afternoon . I know it 's procrastination but I really felt down . My boyfriend kept on sending me things online and asking for my opinion and stuff and I really don 't feel like talking or helping him out with anything . I 'm really frustrated with myself . He knows what I 'm going through but he kept on asking what 's wrong and I had enough explaining to him when he can 't even understand . There was a time I asked him what does he think of me and my problems and he said he thinks I was improving . For someone who doesn 't know the entire story , it 's actually a good thing but the words he chose are the wrong words because none of the events happening in life shows any sign of improvement . I kept messing up at work . I failed to deliver results . I suck at everything . I kept hitting our car , spending too much on stress etc . I was quite hopeful he must 've seen something to say that but he was like - Uhhh … I don 't know . I just think you 're improving . To make things short , he doesn 't really know what I 'm going through . He never understood and his words are hollow . And it made me feel even worse . Today he kept asking what wrong ? For heaven 's sake . HE KNOWS WHAT ' S WRONG . HE JUST DOESN ' T LISTEN . As I have mentioned yesterday , I hit out car and I need to have it fixed . I 'm so sorry to compare but my other guy friend knows what to do . He offered to help me search for the right people and the right place to have it repaired . He was willing to help out whereas my boyfriend was - So , what now ? It 's really frustrating . SERIOUSLY ! ! ! ! He 's a spoiled little brat who always gets his way around everything and doesn 't give a fuck of what I 'm going through . He doesn 't even know how to help me . And I hate it . Anyway , I was able to get estimates on how much I 'm supposed to spend on the repair . More or less , it 's gonna be around 5 , 000 pesos . That 's really too much for me and I don 't have enough money so I think I have to borrow from other people . Anyway , I was working just a while ago when I saw an email from my dad . I felt really guilty . I wasn 't able to text or call him so he made an effort to send me an email . It 's been quite a while since I was able to talk to him and he was asking about work . A month ago , I flew to where he was working to see him . He completely understands where I 'm coming from but I failed to constantly communicate with him as I was really too busy with work . Of course , I responded as soon as I saw the email . I just felt really bad . Do you know the feeling when there 's just so much swelling deep inside your chest but you can 't let it all out ? I feel like I 'm about to burst but I can 't . I need an outlet and I 'm guessing that writing it down would somehow make me feel better . I called this trial run because I don 't even know if I can continue doing this , maybe because I 'm busy , or maybe because I just don 't feel like doing it . A part of this exercise is embracing myself . Who I really am . Social media destroyed me and I don 't even know who I want to be . For so long , I 've been really indecisive and mainly because whatever I see online , I try to imitate it or worse , I want it even though I know I can 't have it . I have started doubting myself , my physical appearance . I wanna be like those in the magazine and no matter how much they 're photoshopped , I have to admit I still wanna be like them . I wanna be whatever is posted online . A perfect job , a perfect family , a perfect boyfriend , a perfect life . But so far , what I got is far from perfect . I have a job . And I suck at it . I have a family , well I wouldn 't say they 're perfect and we have our issues of course . I have a boyfriend whom I can 't really rely onto and a life that is totally miserable . I graduated as a Marketing student from what I think is a great school . It 's not the best , but it 's well known and the president and vice president of the country graduated from that school so it 's most likely one of the top I guess . But you know how it works around here . If you don 't belong in the top 4 schools , you 're pretty much like the rest . So yeah , I guess you can say I 'm pretty much like the rest . But of course , there 's always an exception . If you 're rich and you 're parents can help you get through life , then you 're always good to go . I graduated last 2014 and it 's been almost 3 years since then . I used to have a great job where I think I 'm good at and people appreciate me there . I was in sales and I was doing good , not great but good . But then I left . Maybe because I was worn out . maybe because I was too proud of myself but I kept on telling myself and everyone that I wanted something new . I want to grow and being in sales won 't get me where I want to be . But that 's even the bigger question . I don 't know where I want to be . I just want to be rich . That 's all . Well of course , having a job you love comes with all of this . And so I transferred to this new job where I thought will help me grow better . And I genuinely believe they will really help me but it 's just that , I know I don 't belong . It 's a start - up company where everyone values the culture . They are really sensitive with the people they bring in and I was quite lucky to pass the interview . However , when it comes to the real deal , I 'm messing up big time . Maybe I can go over it some other time in this online diary but for now , all I can say is I feel like I 'm not worth anything anymore . I don 't believe in myself anymore and writing this diary in English is really hard for me whereas before , I know I can fluently speak and write in English . I doubted my existence and I feel like I 'm the worst person there is and no one really understands me . To top it all off , I JUST FUCKING HIT OUR CAR ! Yep , you read it right . I just hit our car and the front bumper fell off , a few weeks ago , I hit the back bumper as well and huge dents are really visible and I DON ' T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE REPAIR ! And I can 't let my dad find out about this . I AM FREAKING OUT ! I don 't know what to do . I have to get it fixed in two weeks before he arrives or I will forever be banned of driving unless I am the one who bought the car in any case is far from impossible because I don 't even have the money to have it repaired . My mom of course cannot help me and she was MAD AF . I don 't know what to do but today , that 's my dilemma and I don 't even know if I 'll be able to sleep well tonight . And of course , there 's always the thought of work and how I failed to deliver the results they 're asking of me and that I have to work during the weekend in which I haven 't started anything yet and it 's already Sunday night . It 's a good thing though it 's a long weekend and so I still have Monday tomorrow being a holiday to help me catch up with my work load . Let 's hope I don 't procrastinate . It was 8 in the morning . It was too early for my call time at 10 . But I don 't want to be late . I was used to going to work early so this is not a big deal . I went to Starbucks , ordered my usual morning drink , a grande English Breakfast Tea mixed with two cups of honey and then a corned beef pandesal . My tummy was rumbling so I know this was a sign not to eat anything heavy . This was the nervousness talking in the pit of my stomach and I can hear it loud and clear . I took out my book to kill some time . I was reading Summit Media 's - " Letters to My Children " . It 's a collection of letters from famous parents . I felt like this was the perfect book for my first day in my new world . It 's like bringing along the words of wisdom of my folks but only this time , 35 more parents are with me . I know by reading this book , I can get through the day with their words of encouragement . Trying something new for the first time . Breaking away from your natural habits , everyday routines . Getting off your comfort zone . It all feels so surreal in a really really scary way . I just want to run back home . Cover my self beneath the sheets and never see the sun shine again . It feels really scary . I couldn 't sleep . I couldn 't breathe . I feel like I 'm choking and a huge lump got stuck on my throat . I cannot eat . I cannot think . It 's like I 'm not me anymore . Emotions are bursting everywhere . I tried to read a book but even the most shallow lines made me tear up . I feel like my stomach is in circles and I 'd just visit the toilet every now and then . I feel like throwing up . My body is betraying me from all these hulla baloo going on around . My corned beef pandesal was cold . Maya birds started stealing my breakfast but even that entertaining scene doesn 't amuse me . I was too bothered . Too bothered with the anxiousness running all over me . I was teary eyed . I wanted to cry but I don 't even know if crying would help me ease out the anxiety . I wanted to call someone . Anyone . Anyone that can help me feel better but I doubt anyone can make me feel so . People would just tell me , Kaya mo yan , ikaw pa . They have too much faith in me . But I don 't have in myself . My body is really betraying my old self assured personality . Maybe this is what it feels like leaving your comfort zone . For the past years , I have been pretty complacent where I was not minding how I was doing or where I 'm heading . There was no pressure anymore . No pressure in a sense because I already know what I am doing and whatever they ask of me , I know I can deliver . Then one day , it hit me . I need something else . I need something more . As if the pressure where I was at that moment wasn 't enough . I was like , I needed something to make me fear again . To make me bring back my A - game . I need to challenge myself even more . Beyond what I was doing at the moment . And then I decided to leave . It was a very slow , long and difficult departure . I was literally like breaking up with a lover , a boyfriend , a partner . The separation involved tears , acceptance and moving on . This is not an exaggeration . This is the real thing . I just realised it by then how valuable the job was to me . The job - meaning my family , the people I work with . My boss , my colleagues , my mentors , my friends . Everyone . They were my safe haven . They are the love - hate relationship that you usually call when you hated them but at the same time , they are the home you go back to . I can still remember the separation like yesterday . I was sending endorsement emails , setting up endorsement meetings and those people that were really close to me were still in denial . I was in denial . But I know I needed to do this . I need to make this move or else , I won 't get the chance again . It 's now or never . And I was devastated . I found myself , looking back . Wanting to go back . Wanting to run back home . Wanting to not push through the day . Wanting to take back my resignation and just return to how everything was used to be . You see , I 've been a watch person ever since I was in highschool and I had this bad habit of getting a new one whenever the battery runs out . I know this is not really the right thing to do but my ninongs and ninangs were always fond of giving me watches that I never worry of running out of them . There was this time on my 18th birthday that I probably got 7 and so I had plenty to choose from . Just when I graduated in college that I later realized how wrong was it for me to develop that bad habit of just getting rid of watches whenever the battery dies and so I tried to search for the remaining ones and had the batts change . ( New me , new life but the truth is , ang mahal bumili ng bago now that I 'm spending for myself ) I also did this because all my stocks eventually ran out and I had nothing to use . When I successfully revived the remaining 4 that I saved , I realized I needed one formal watch that I can use for special events and that 's when the quest for the perfect watch started . I saw the Anne Klein watch on a website called www . watchportal . com . ph and immediately fell in love with it . Here 's a screencap of the site . I 'm not really comfortable buying online so I personally went to the Anne Klein store in Greenbelt 5 to check the item . I wasn 't quite decided then as it was quite expensive so I waited for a while and searched for more . However , I could not find anything as perfect as the first one I saw and ended up looking for the exact same style from various brands . Of course there are plenty of good ones but I just can 't afford them . I came across options such as Timex , Casio , Tomato and even closely resorted to buying that Geneva watch at Lazada . It was a good thing I didn 't because my sister bought 3 for 380 Pesos I think and although the design was okay , the material where it 's made of is really not okay for me . It 's too lightweight and the noisy like the metal sounds like a tin can being hit by another tin can . ( No offense to Lazada , they got the best stuff except for that Geneva watch . We 're avid buyers of Lazada btw ) I then decided to save for this Anne Klein watch which took me 5 months to complete the amount . When I went back to the store , it was out of stock already and so I have to succumb with loneliness knowing I can 't buy it yet . Then just last week when I visited again , one stock came in and I didn 't thought twice and bought it immediately . The best thing about this is that it 's not too much . Not too gold , not too heavy , not too sparkly and not too formal . I mean , you know what I 'm saying ? It 's just right . ( This post is not sponsored nor advertised . I 'm just really happy and wanted to share my happiness in writing . ) Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment November 13 , 2016 The Story of an Almost Survivor " I didn 't want to wake up . I was having a much better time asleep . And that 's really sad . It was almost like a reverse nightmare , like when you wake up from a nightmare you 're so relieved . I woke up into a nightmare . " ― Ned Vizzini , It 's Kind of a Funny Story There are several times at night when she 'd wish there 's someone to stab her repeatedly at the back and kill her while no one is around . That feeling of the knife slashing her flesh over and over again gives her that sense of fulfilment that and with that , she can put to rest her troubled mind . Sometimes , Aletheia would entertain this idea of overdosing herself . Will it be even possible to die of overdose when you 're asleep ? Because I would really want that , she would often think to herself . The story of Haruki Murakami 's 1Q84 where Aomame kills by using an ice pick thrusting it into the people 's neck untraceable causing instant death would be really efficient for her . If only there 's such thing because she can actually imagine how it will look like . Her parents would find her lifeless on her bed in the morning thinking , she might 've had a heart attack or some sort of sleep paralysis . With all these ideas in her head , she actually have a suicide note prepared in case worst comes to worst and she can no longer control herself . Aletheia is self destructive and no one knows about this . Whenever she cries alone , she would bite herself until it stings and numb , hit herself sometimes by punching her legs and arms or if she is accessible with the small wooden stick behind her door , she would grab it and hit her leg until it turns blue and at times , try to look for something sharp to cut herself . She would think it 's better to feel the physical pain rather than the excruciating pain she have inside her chest . She has been a cry baby ever since she can remember and until now that she 's old enough to actually figure things out herself , the idea of ending her life comes even more often . She cries because of a lot of reasons but mainly because she cannot voice out what 's really inside her head . She used to fight a lot with her sister when she was young . She was older but she was the one who always ends up crying . When she became a teenager , she would often have arguments with her parents and would eventually end up locking herself to her room crying . When her first love broke her heart , she developed this traumatic experience she can 't explain and swore to herself never to feel that kind of emotion again . There has been this unique constant and weird thing with Aletheia ever since she was a kid . She would hear strange noises in her ear , shouting , fighting , loud voices that would distract her with whatever activity she was currently engaged in . It was the sound of crying , howling people trapped in an open space but the noise sounds like dying people inside a hollow place where rocks fell from the sky and crashes everyone underneath spilling blood and brains . This started when she was in grade school and never left her . She would sometimes hear this while walking , when she wakes up , while inside the class , or during a meeting , it 's practically anywhere and happens very randomly . This has been a well protected secret of hers fearing that people would think of her as crazy . Though she had been able to open this with her family , no one really took this seriously . She told her boyfriend about this of course , but this wasn 't something her boyfriend took a lot of notice . And now lately , Aletheia has been experiencing one of the worst things in her life in which she cannot define . There 's this uneasiness , dragging and heavy feeling inside her chest that has been affecting her way of dealing things . Her performance at work was affected , her way of communicating to her boyfriend got in the way and worst of all , her self confidence literally dropped down making her feel the worst of herself . For her , this is a big deal but no one took this seriously . The only person she hoped could understand her left her on her own to figure out this shitty situation she got herself into . She would cry herself every night , hoping that there 's a way she could get herself out this void that has been consuming her slowly . Aletheia stopped caring about anything which wasn 't her at all . She cared about a lot of things , in fact , she cared about everything but this time around , her point of view shifted . She stopped giving a damn about her work , about her looks , about her perception in life and even about her compassion towards other people . This wasn 't the Aletheia everyone knew but no one has even taken notice of this . She was struggling on her own . She is in a war all by herself and whenever she tries to seek for help , people would dismiss her thinking that she 's just under this stupid phase in life and that she 's just being unreasonable and too emotional . And this breaks her heart a lot . Because it ' so hard for her to try to stand up on her own when it 's herself that kept her down . Perhaps this wasn 't something that 's really in need of help as she was still able to cover up all these struggles she 's undergoing . She comes to the office on time , she eats right , she goes home and sleeps on time . But behind all these , if people would actually try to look deeper , she starts to fail to meet deadlines , forgets important submissions , unable to remember bids , eats unhealthy , goes home practically dragging her feet and closes the door , turns off the life and cries her sleep again at night . There are some online findings when she try to take the test . Might this be depression or what , she definitely knows she needs to work on it right away . As this is written , Aletheia is probably crying herself to sleep tonight . She needs help . She doesn 't know what specific kind of help she needs but she certainly needs one and praying that she doesn 't do something foolish and end her life . I would gladly explain our solutions and product offerings but this post is about my usual routine so I 'd probably write a different one that would discuss more on what I do and how it works around an IT company . Moving on , I leave the house at around 5 : 30am to beat the early morning traffic . You know what they say , early bird gets the worm . ( Or not ? ) I arrive normally at 8am which gives me ample time to check my emails . Being in Sales , you don 't really follow the normal protocol of 8 hours at work as your performance is based on numbers more than your presence within the corners of your office . People at the office doesn 't really arrive until 9 : 30 or 10 so I take advantage of the peace I have at the moment . I typically get 67 emails a day which is the minimum count that usually contains client updates , follow ups , news and if I get lucky sometimes a Purchase Order ( PO ) . There are times it increases to a hundred and get this , you only got an hour or two to finish going through these mail because after this , life starts outside those sliding doors in a far street in Makati . And the journey to the client begins . At work , we have our Sales Director who is naturally our Manager . Under an SD are AMs who are assigned with different territories and industries . I happen handle the the North Luzon area and two huge conglomerates . Basically I start my day at the office and after an hour or two , I head the road . Sometimes I get to go to Subic , Clark , Bataan for a sales call . It might sound a lot of fun that you get to travel a lot but trust me a sales call that far is really exhausting . It would 've been better if you can stay in a hotel or so but you need to go back home and head to the office the next day again . What do i usually talk about ? Well , I don 't really have my own sales pitch . What I do is I listen to what my client has to say . There pain points , project objectives and expectations and from there I let my pre sales do all the technical talking . We 're like tag teams , the engineer does the techy stuff and I do the marketing part . Most of the times , I speak with the IT , Network , Operations or Security Managers because as you may know , IT is more than just a computer solving technician . Believe it or not , it 's one of the integral divisions in a company given that our generation consists of computer and internet of things or commonly known as IOT . ( You can google that if you want . ) Wifi system is more than just a router , your email is more than just a communication channel and your Internet connection is more than just a bandwidth . Everything is interconnected to a more complex solution . In which the IT and the Engineer guys dedicate sweat and blood just to keep the company going . I bet you didn 't know that before these people leaves the office , a mantra or a prayer is repeatedly said just so the servers wouldn 't crash down during the weekends . In a day , I make it a point to maximize the visit so I set at about 2 - 3 meetings . This also enables me to save transportation cost , time and effort . It 's not the typical 8 - hour work routine . Mostly it 's like a 12 - hour everyday thing . I consider a day productive when I get to close a deal or I get to uncover an opportunity first . These two allows me to visit the clients again because either we talk about the implementation plan next or the scoping of the project . Of course when you 're the one who discovered the project first , it gives me an advantage over my competitors . This doesn 't happen all the time . There are times you just pay them a visit to let them know your existence or try to fix a problem . Those on the other hand are two of the things I hate . It makes me feel really worn out especially because you know for a fact na talo ka na . Basically that 's how most of my days go . If I still have some time , I go back to the office and finish proposals , and more emails . Then I go home and start over again . Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment January 24 , 2016 This is what George Clooney said in the movie , Up In The Air . I haven 't seen the movie yet but this clip made a huge impact in my life . In fact , I don 't think it 's just me who was struck by those words but almost everybody else because tons of comments flooded the clip and there I knew , I wasn 't alone . I received 18k for my first job which is not what I saw myself applying in . People think it 's really a lot but believe me , it 's not . You 're deducted of around 2k every pay day , twice a month , spend almost 4k for transportation , 200 everyday for food , then there are bills to pay and so on and so forth which leaves you almost nothing . In this fast paced life , money is everything and sometimes , for some people , they tend to give up their dreams just so they can be financially stable as soon as possible .

Today is the 55th independence day of the Philippines . People online kept on posting things about today 's event while I was just at home binge watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians in the morning and Coffee Prince in the afternoon . There 's nothing significant on this day for me and I know I should really be proud or anything but I 'm just a small girl trying to figure out her life and celebrating Independence Day isn 't something significant for me . In order to gradually detoxicate my life from social media , I deactivated my Facebook for a while . It 's just Instagram and twitter that remained alive . So far , all I see are celebrities and picturesque sceneries online . It 's less toxic than people posting several things online as most of the persons I follow in Instagram are not my real life friends . I told myself I was suppose to work today but I only started working at around 5 in the afternoon . I know it 's procrastination but I really felt down . My boyfriend kept on sending me things online and asking for my opinion and stuff and I really don 't feel like talking or helping him out with anything . I 'm really frustrated with myself . He knows what I 'm going through but he kept on asking what 's wrong and I had enough explaining to him when he can 't even understand . There was a time I asked him what does he think of me and my problems and he said he thinks I was improving . For someone who doesn 't know the entire story , it 's actually a good thing but the words he chose are the wrong words because none of the events happening in life shows any sign of improvement . I kept messing up at work . I failed to deliver results . I suck at everything . I kept hitting our car , spending too much on stress etc . I was quite hopeful he must 've seen something to say that but he was like - Uhhh … I don 't know . I just think you 're improving . To make things short , he doesn 't really know what I 'm going through . He never understood and his words are hollow . And it made me feel even worse . Today he kept asking what wrong ? For heaven 's sake . HE KNOWS WHAT ' S WRONG . HE JUST DOESN ' T LISTEN . As I have mentioned yesterday , I hit out car and I need to have it fixed . I 'm so sorry to compare but my other guy friend knows what to do . He offered to help me search for the right people and the right place to have it repaired . He was willing to help out whereas my boyfriend was - So , what now ? It 's really frustrating . SERIOUSLY ! ! ! ! He 's a spoiled little brat who always gets his way around everything and doesn 't give a fuck of what I 'm going through . He doesn 't even know how to help me . And I hate it . Anyway , I was able to get estimates on how much I 'm supposed to spend on the repair . More or less , it 's gonna be around 5 , 000 pesos . That 's really too much for me and I don 't have enough money so I think I have to borrow from other people . Anyway , I was working just a while ago when I saw an email from my dad . I felt really guilty . I wasn 't able to text or call him so he made an effort to send me an email . It 's been quite a while since I was able to talk to him and he was asking about work . A month ago , I flew to where he was working to see him . He completely understands where I 'm coming from but I failed to constantly communicate with him as I was really too busy with work . Of course , I responded as soon as I saw the email . I just felt really bad . Do you know the feeling when there 's just so much swelling deep inside your chest but you can 't let it all out ? I feel like I 'm about to burst but I can 't . I need an outlet and I 'm guessing that writing it down would somehow make me feel better . I called this trial run because I don 't even know if I can continue doing this , maybe because I 'm busy , or maybe because I just don 't feel like doing it . A part of this exercise is embracing myself . Who I really am . Social media destroyed me and I don 't even know who I want to be . For so long , I 've been really indecisive and mainly because whatever I see online , I try to imitate it or worse , I want it even though I know I can 't have it . I have started doubting myself , my physical appearance . I wanna be like those in the magazine and no matter how much they 're photoshopped , I have to admit I still wanna be like them . I wanna be whatever is posted online . A perfect job , a perfect family , a perfect boyfriend , a perfect life . But so far , what I got is far from perfect . I have a job . And I suck at it . I have a family , well I wouldn 't say they 're perfect and we have our issues of course . I have a boyfriend whom I can 't really rely onto and a life that is totally miserable . I graduated as a Marketing student from what I think is a great school . It 's not the best , but it 's well known and the president and vice president of the country graduated from that school so it 's most likely one of the top I guess . But you know how it works around here . If you don 't belong in the top 4 schools , you 're pretty much like the rest . So yeah , I guess you can say I 'm pretty much like the rest . But of course , there 's always an exception . If you 're rich and you 're parents can help you get through life , then you 're always good to go . I graduated last 2014 and it 's been almost 3 years since then . I used to have a great job where I think I 'm good at and people appreciate me there . I was in sales and I was doing good , not great but good . But then I left . Maybe because I was worn out . maybe because I was too proud of myself but I kept on telling myself and everyone that I wanted something new . I want to grow and being in sales won 't get me where I want to be . But that 's even the bigger question . I don 't know where I want to be . I just want to be rich . That 's all . Well of course , having a job you love comes with all of this . And so I transferred to this new job where I thought will help me grow better . And I genuinely believe they will really help me but it 's just that , I know I don 't belong . It 's a start - up company where everyone values the culture . They are really sensitive with the people they bring in and I was quite lucky to pass the interview . However , when it comes to the real deal , I 'm messing up big time . Maybe I can go over it some other time in this online diary but for now , all I can say is I feel like I 'm not worth anything anymore . I don 't believe in myself anymore and writing this diary in English is really hard for me whereas before , I know I can fluently speak and write in English . I doubted my existence and I feel like I 'm the worst person there is and no one really understands me . To top it all off , I JUST FUCKING HIT OUR CAR ! Yep , you read it right . I just hit our car and the front bumper fell off , a few weeks ago , I hit the back bumper as well and huge dents are really visible and I DON ' T HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THE REPAIR ! And I can 't let my dad find out about this . I AM FREAKING OUT ! I don 't know what to do . I have to get it fixed in two weeks before he arrives or I will forever be banned of driving unless I am the one who bought the car in any case is far from impossible because I don 't even have the money to have it repaired . My mom of course cannot help me and she was MAD AF . I don 't know what to do but today , that 's my dilemma and I don 't even know if I 'll be able to sleep well tonight . And of course , there 's always the thought of work and how I failed to deliver the results they 're asking of me and that I have to work during the weekend in which I haven 't started anything yet and it 's already Sunday night . It 's a good thing though it 's a long weekend and so I still have Monday tomorrow being a holiday to help me catch up with my work load . Let 's hope I don 't procrastinate . It was 8 in the morning . It was too early for my call time at 10 . But I don 't want to be late . I was used to going to work early so this is not a big deal . I went to Starbucks , ordered my usual morning drink , a grande English Breakfast Tea mixed with two cups of honey and then a corned beef pandesal . My tummy was rumbling so I know this was a sign not to eat anything heavy . This was the nervousness talking in the pit of my stomach and I can hear it loud and clear . I took out my book to kill some time . I was reading Summit Media 's - " Letters to My Children " . It 's a collection of letters from famous parents . I felt like this was the perfect book for my first day in my new world . It 's like bringing along the words of wisdom of my folks but only this time , 35 more parents are with me . I know by reading this book , I can get through the day with their words of encouragement . Trying something new for the first time . Breaking away from your natural habits , everyday routines . Getting off your comfort zone . It all feels so surreal in a really really scary way . I just want to run back home . Cover my self beneath the sheets and never see the sun shine again . It feels really scary . I couldn 't sleep . I couldn 't breathe . I feel like I 'm choking and a huge lump got stuck on my throat . I cannot eat . I cannot think . It 's like I 'm not me anymore . Emotions are bursting everywhere . I tried to read a book but even the most shallow lines made me tear up . I feel like my stomach is in circles and I 'd just visit the toilet every now and then . I feel like throwing up . My body is betraying me from all these hulla baloo going on around . My corned beef pandesal was cold . Maya birds started stealing my breakfast but even that entertaining scene doesn 't amuse me . I was too bothered . Too bothered with the anxiousness running all over me . I was teary eyed . I wanted to cry but I don 't even know if crying would help me ease out the anxiety . I wanted to call someone . Anyone . Anyone that can help me feel better but I doubt anyone can make me feel so . People would just tell me , Kaya mo yan , ikaw pa . They have too much faith in me . But I don 't have in myself . My body is really betraying my old self assured personality . Maybe this is what it feels like leaving your comfort zone . For the past years , I have been pretty complacent where I was not minding how I was doing or where I 'm heading . There was no pressure anymore . No pressure in a sense because I already know what I am doing and whatever they ask of me , I know I can deliver . Then one day , it hit me . I need something else . I need something more . As if the pressure where I was at that moment wasn 't enough . I was like , I needed something to make me fear again . To make me bring back my A - game . I need to challenge myself even more . Beyond what I was doing at the moment . And then I decided to leave . It was a very slow , long and difficult departure . I was literally like breaking up with a lover , a boyfriend , a partner . The separation involved tears , acceptance and moving on . This is not an exaggeration . This is the real thing . I just realised it by then how valuable the job was to me . The job - meaning my family , the people I work with . My boss , my colleagues , my mentors , my friends . Everyone . They were my safe haven . They are the love - hate relationship that you usually call when you hated them but at the same time , they are the home you go back to . I can still remember the separation like yesterday . I was sending endorsement emails , setting up endorsement meetings and those people that were really close to me were still in denial . I was in denial . But I know I needed to do this . I need to make this move or else , I won 't get the chance again . It 's now or never . And I was devastated . I found myself , looking back . Wanting to go back . Wanting to run back home . Wanting to not push through the day . Wanting to take back my resignation and just return to how everything was used to be . You see , I 've been a watch person ever since I was in highschool and I had this bad habit of getting a new one whenever the battery runs out . I know this is not really the right thing to do but my ninongs and ninangs were always fond of giving me watches that I never worry of running out of them . There was this time on my 18th birthday that I probably got 7 and so I had plenty to choose from . Just when I graduated in college that I later realized how wrong was it for me to develop that bad habit of just getting rid of watches whenever the battery dies and so I tried to search for the remaining ones and had the batts change . ( New me , new life but the truth is , ang mahal bumili ng bago now that I 'm spending for myself ) I also did this because all my stocks eventually ran out and I had nothing to use . When I successfully revived the remaining 4 that I saved , I realized I needed one formal watch that I can use for special events and that 's when the quest for the perfect watch started . I saw the Anne Klein watch on a website called www . watchportal . com . ph and immediately fell in love with it . Here 's a screencap of the site . I 'm not really comfortable buying online so I personally went to the Anne Klein store in Greenbelt 5 to check the item . I wasn 't quite decided then as it was quite expensive so I waited for a while and searched for more . However , I could not find anything as perfect as the first one I saw and ended up looking for the exact same style from various brands . Of course there are plenty of good ones but I just can 't afford them . I came across options such as Timex , Casio , Tomato and even closely resorted to buying that Geneva watch at Lazada . It was a good thing I didn 't because my sister bought 3 for 380 Pesos I think and although the design was okay , the material where it 's made of is really not okay for me . It 's too lightweight and the noisy like the metal sounds like a tin can being hit by another tin can . ( No offense to Lazada , they got the best stuff except for that Geneva watch . We 're avid buyers of Lazada btw ) I then decided to save for this Anne Klein watch which took me 5 months to complete the amount . When I went back to the store , it was out of stock already and so I have to succumb with loneliness knowing I can 't buy it yet . Then just last week when I visited again , one stock came in and I didn 't thought twice and bought it immediately . The best thing about this is that it 's not too much . Not too gold , not too heavy , not too sparkly and not too formal . I mean , you know what I 'm saying ? It 's just right . ( This post is not sponsored nor advertised . I 'm just really happy and wanted to share my happiness in writing . ) Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment November 13 , 2016 The Story of an Almost Survivor " I didn 't want to wake up . I was having a much better time asleep . And that 's really sad . It was almost like a reverse nightmare , like when you wake up from a nightmare you 're so relieved . I woke up into a nightmare . " ― Ned Vizzini , It 's Kind of a Funny Story There are several times at night when she 'd wish there 's someone to stab her repeatedly at the back and kill her while no one is around . That feeling of the knife slashing her flesh over and over again gives her that sense of fulfilment that and with that , she can put to rest her troubled mind . Sometimes , Aletheia would entertain this idea of overdosing herself . Will it be even possible to die of overdose when you 're asleep ? Because I would really want that , she would often think to herself . The story of Haruki Murakami 's 1Q84 where Aomame kills by using an ice pick thrusting it into the people 's neck untraceable causing instant death would be really efficient for her . If only there 's such thing because she can actually imagine how it will look like . Her parents would find her lifeless on her bed in the morning thinking , she might 've had a heart attack or some sort of sleep paralysis . With all these ideas in her head , she actually have a suicide note prepared in case worst comes to worst and she can no longer control herself . Aletheia is self destructive and no one knows about this . Whenever she cries alone , she would bite herself until it stings and numb , hit herself sometimes by punching her legs and arms or if she is accessible with the small wooden stick behind her door , she would grab it and hit her leg until it turns blue and at times , try to look for something sharp to cut herself . She would think it 's better to feel the physical pain rather than the excruciating pain she have inside her chest . She has been a cry baby ever since she can remember and until now that she 's old enough to actually figure things out herself , the idea of ending her life comes even more often . She cries because of a lot of reasons but mainly because she cannot voice out what 's really inside her head . She used to fight a lot with her sister when she was young . She was older but she was the one who always ends up crying . When she became a teenager , she would often have arguments with her parents and would eventually end up locking herself to her room crying . When her first love broke her heart , she developed this traumatic experience she can 't explain and swore to herself never to feel that kind of emotion again . There has been this unique constant and weird thing with Aletheia ever since she was a kid . She would hear strange noises in her ear , shouting , fighting , loud voices that would distract her with whatever activity she was currently engaged in . It was the sound of crying , howling people trapped in an open space but the noise sounds like dying people inside a hollow place where rocks fell from the sky and crashes everyone underneath spilling blood and brains . This started when she was in grade school and never left her . She would sometimes hear this while walking , when she wakes up , while inside the class , or during a meeting , it 's practically anywhere and happens very randomly . This has been a well protected secret of hers fearing that people would think of her as crazy . Though she had been able to open this with her family , no one really took this seriously . She told her boyfriend about this of course , but this wasn 't something her boyfriend took a lot of notice . And now lately , Aletheia has been experiencing one of the worst things in her life in which she cannot define . There 's this uneasiness , dragging and heavy feeling inside her chest that has been affecting her way of dealing things . Her performance at work was affected , her way of communicating to her boyfriend got in the way and worst of all , her self confidence literally dropped down making her feel the worst of herself . For her , this is a big deal but no one took this seriously . The only person she hoped could understand her left her on her own to figure out this shitty situation she got herself into . She would cry herself every night , hoping that there 's a way she could get herself out this void that has been consuming her slowly . Aletheia stopped caring about anything which wasn 't her at all . She cared about a lot of things , in fact , she cared about everything but this time around , her point of view shifted . She stopped giving a damn about her work , about her looks , about her perception in life and even about her compassion towards other people . This wasn 't the Aletheia everyone knew but no one has even taken notice of this . She was struggling on her own . She is in a war all by herself and whenever she tries to seek for help , people would dismiss her thinking that she 's just under this stupid phase in life and that she 's just being unreasonable and too emotional . And this breaks her heart a lot . Because it ' so hard for her to try to stand up on her own when it 's herself that kept her down . Perhaps this wasn 't something that 's really in need of help as she was still able to cover up all these struggles she 's undergoing . She comes to the office on time , she eats right , she goes home and sleeps on time . But behind all these , if people would actually try to look deeper , she starts to fail to meet deadlines , forgets important submissions , unable to remember bids , eats unhealthy , goes home practically dragging her feet and closes the door , turns off the life and cries her sleep again at night . There are some online findings when she try to take the test . Might this be depression or what , she definitely knows she needs to work on it right away . As this is written , Aletheia is probably crying herself to sleep tonight . She needs help . She doesn 't know what specific kind of help she needs but she certainly needs one and praying that she doesn 't do something foolish and end her life . I would gladly explain our solutions and product offerings but this post is about my usual routine so I 'd probably write a different one that would discuss more on what I do and how it works around an IT company . Moving on , I leave the house at around 5 : 30am to beat the early morning traffic . You know what they say , early bird gets the worm . ( Or not ? ) I arrive normally at 8am which gives me ample time to check my emails . Being in Sales , you don 't really follow the normal protocol of 8 hours at work as your performance is based on numbers more than your presence within the corners of your office . People at the office doesn 't really arrive until 9 : 30 or 10 so I take advantage of the peace I have at the moment . I typically get 67 emails a day which is the minimum count that usually contains client updates , follow ups , news and if I get lucky sometimes a Purchase Order ( PO ) . There are times it increases to a hundred and get this , you only got an hour or two to finish going through these mail because after this , life starts outside those sliding doors in a far street in Makati . And the journey to the client begins . At work , we have our Sales Director who is naturally our Manager . Under an SD are AMs who are assigned with different territories and industries . I happen handle the the North Luzon area and two huge conglomerates . Basically I start my day at the office and after an hour or two , I head the road . Sometimes I get to go to Subic , Clark , Bataan for a sales call . It might sound a lot of fun that you get to travel a lot but trust me a sales call that far is really exhausting . It would 've been better if you can stay in a hotel or so but you need to go back home and head to the office the next day again . What do i usually talk about ? Well , I don 't really have my own sales pitch . What I do is I listen to what my client has to say . There pain points , project objectives and expectations and from there I let my pre sales do all the technical talking . We 're like tag teams , the engineer does the techy stuff and I do the marketing part . Most of the times , I speak with the IT , Network , Operations or Security Managers because as you may know , IT is more than just a computer solving technician . Believe it or not , it 's one of the integral divisions in a company given that our generation consists of computer and internet of things or commonly known as IOT . ( You can google that if you want . ) Wifi system is more than just a router , your email is more than just a communication channel and your Internet connection is more than just a bandwidth . Everything is interconnected to a more complex solution . In which the IT and the Engineer guys dedicate sweat and blood just to keep the company going . I bet you didn 't know that before these people leaves the office , a mantra or a prayer is repeatedly said just so the servers wouldn 't crash down during the weekends . In a day , I make it a point to maximize the visit so I set at about 2 - 3 meetings . This also enables me to save transportation cost , time and effort . It 's not the typical 8 - hour work routine . Mostly it 's like a 12 - hour everyday thing . I consider a day productive when I get to close a deal or I get to uncover an opportunity first . These two allows me to visit the clients again because either we talk about the implementation plan next or the scoping of the project . Of course when you 're the one who discovered the project first , it gives me an advantage over my competitors . This doesn 't happen all the time . There are times you just pay them a visit to let them know your existence or try to fix a problem . Those on the other hand are two of the things I hate . It makes me feel really worn out especially because you know for a fact na talo ka na . Basically that 's how most of my days go . If I still have some time , I go back to the office and finish proposals , and more emails . Then I go home and start over again . Share this : Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment January 24 , 2016 This is what George Clooney said in the movie , Up In The Air . I haven 't seen the movie yet but this clip made a huge impact in my life . In fact , I don 't think it 's just me who was struck by those words but almost everybody else because tons of comments flooded the clip and there I knew , I wasn 't alone . I received 18k for my first job which is not what I saw myself applying in . People think it 's really a lot but believe me , it 's not . You 're deducted of around 2k every pay day , twice a month , spend almost 4k for transportation , 200 everyday for food , then there are bills to pay and so on and so forth which leaves you almost nothing . In this fast paced life , money is everything and sometimes , for some people , they tend to give up their dreams just so they can be financially stable as soon as possible .

This is certainly the story of my life recently . It has its good times , it has its okay times , it has its down time , and it has its bad times . Who would 've guessed that I would 've gone through all of these things on the same day . I guess I am just as weird as I say I am . Well , enough of the hoop - la eh . I 've been giving enough of that out lately . Today was indeed a very interesting and notable day , or so some would say . Today was a rather new experience . I was the victim of a " drive by nail polishing " ( or at least that 's what I 'll call it for the sake of saying ) . I probably had at least fifty people ask me today about why my nails were black ( and I say that in all seriousness , it 's kinda pissed me off eventually ) . Well , not many people liked it out of those who cared , and I had a few of my friends lecture me about why I shouldn 't do stuff like that . Yay , now even more people think I 'm gay . Do I care , not really . I think it 's rather funny actually . In other news , my mother just bitched me out really bad , taking me out of what was previously a good mood . Oh wonderful , and you may just be a little surprised about why . She and dad had just finished watching American Pie , and I had started to watch it with them . I got bored though a little after the beginning and went on the computer . They watched the movie and I must say they thoroughly enjoyed it . Afterwards , mom asked me about what I thought of the movie … which I told her rather plainly that I thought it had it 's funny moments , but it wasn 't that good of a movie . Well , we talked a little more , then she started to go off into this little tangent about how no one my age could relate to the movie at all because we haven 't experienced it . I agree with that , I haven 't fucked any apple pies in my day . However , she was talking like I hadn 't heard much of anything or don 't know anything about what was mentioned in the movie . That offended me . Of course , mom doesn 't give me much credit for anything though , so I 'm wasn 't too surprised when she got so pissed about how she didn 't like attitude about how I always thought I knew everything . A good shouting match later ( more like her bitching at me and me sitting there wanting to respond but knowing better that I shouldn 't ) and she said that she would talk it over with me tomorrow and that she wanted to watch another movie . I know what got her in such a pissy mood though . I overreacted a little when she told me that she was going to take me out of the house for about half the day tomorrow and help her work . She pretty much thought that I 'd want to because she was going to pay me . However , I don 't want to , because I 'd much rather just relax at home . Unfortunately for the situation at hand , I wore my displeasure a little too far down my sleeve . I don 't even know why I got pissed , it isn 't that bad of a thing . I guess it 's the fact that she was once again forcing me to do something , and that always has a tendency to piss me off . Well , after our nice little " chat " , I went back to the computer and put back on the headphones ( I was listening to Beck during the movie ) , and mom said something that I thought was really nice of her . She doesn 't think I heard her because I had the headphones on . She pretty much said that she wasn 't going to be nearly as lenient to me as she was to my brother , and that she would make sure that I wouldn 't turn out like him . Translation ? Well , I think she 's afraid of me having a mind of my own and being my own person , even if the majority thinks it 's wrong ( and she hated my black fingernails ) . Poor her , she 's completely missed me growing up because she 's been at work , and I really feel bad for her for that . She knows much less about me than she should as a mother . She has a tendency to think that I 'm going to fail , and she is usually surprised as well as happy when I succeed . I just wish she would 've gotten to know me a little better , but I know that isn 't going to happen now . She 's formed her own opinions and ASSumptions about me , and knowing mom , it takes many drastic events for those to change . About that cute comment my mom made , I hope that that was only the bottle of wine talking and not her . Somehow , I doubt it . This just reminds me of another point . I will be getting my report card Monday . My parents told me if my grades improved I could get my driver 's license . Well , they 've improved greatly , but I 've noticed something . Lately , they 've just seemed to be looking for excuses to not let me get it . My dad keeps talking about how I couldn 't be a good driver because my room is so messy ( yet he says that I was better than my brother of sister while they had their permit ) . I 'm sure I 'm going to hear that whole spiel from my mom about how my bad attitude shouldn 't allow me to drive . Well , I 'm not the only person under this roof who can get pissed , and if they have some God given right to get bitchy with me , is it so wrong that I even show the least bit of emotion . They 've thought so before , they do now , and they 'll think so again . I must say that this is sad . I am not living in a home in at the moment , but a prison where my thoughts must be shot off . Don 't they say home is where the heart is ? Maybe that 's why I 've been lamenting in my poetry so much lately . Maybe that 's why I enjoy talking on the phone so much . Shit , that 's why I actually like going to school . I can get away from the overly white walls of the house and get away from my parents , who for some reason treat me like some little two - year - old . But I am the baby of the family aren 't I ? Even if I 'm almost seventeen . Someone please tell my parents that … Yes , my life has become quite a downer lately with the occasional little bit of upness . In these times where people would smack me upside the head for saying I feel lonely , I 'm actually having some of the loneliest times I 've had in a good while . Makes sense , I 'm just a little pile of emotion sickness anyhow . I have to shut myself off from my emotions so much at home that it catches up to me at school , and for that I 'm really sorry . But my heart is heavy , and I don 't know who or what is going to try to pick it up and move it to a better place . I can only hope someone will , and all I can say is the sooner the better . Oh how I loathe the weekends sometimes . Here is tomorrow 's bitching session from my mother on the way to her drive to work . What a way to spend the weekend … Is there some higher power working against me today ? This is the third time I 've tried to type my little update for this section , but NOOO ! My computer has to get really screwy at me so it can laugh at me . How wonderful ; how great . Just exactly what I needed , my computer to mock little old me . Kinda funny how one can have such a nice day one day , then wake up the next and feel quite bad . I awoke this morning being quite tired , and it only took a matter of starting to awaken to not feel good . I don 't really know what triggered these bad and sad feelings , I just know that it sucks right now . The worse part is that I feel I 've kinda been hung out to dry by powers that are out of my control . Of the few people I could talk to about these things , none of them are able to . It 's either , " oh , my mother is being bitchy right now … sorry " , or it 's " I 've got a whole lot of shit to do " . That 's fine , but I just wish that things were a little different and I actually could talk to people . Here I am , sitting at home , with nothing but my homework to keep me company . One part of me says , " well , if it were important to them , they would make time for it " . But you know what , I feel like a real ass for even typing that much less thinking it . Well , I 'm probably getting all worked up over a bunch of nothing , and that 's what it felt like , until I figured out just what is nagging at me , even though I wish not to discuss it here for reasons I wish not to discuss . You know , if I can 't discuss stuff like that in this section , does this section serve any purpose ? I mean , this is here to give insight to my life , and if I keep shutting doors , it 's no good . Well , people have also been getting on my case a little more about me beating myself up too much . That 's the way I 've been though , and to me , it 's either just words or it 's just the truth . I feel bad though because it seems like people are getting tired of it , or just plain wishing I 'd stop . I try , yes , I try . Sometimes harder than other times , but I try . It 's just the way I am unfortunately , beat myself up while saying how wonderful everyone else is . I 'm just feeling bad . Feeling alone . Wondering what people think . Do you think I do this too much ? Just sit here , at home , lamenting over whatever causes my displeasures as opposed to doing something about it . I sure wish there was something that I could do , but right now , I am feeling rather helpless , or at least feeling like I 'm dangling on a string , with someone holding a pair of scissors . Helpless , hopeless , I don 't know what . I ought to just stop now before I keep throwing this " oh poor me , whatever shall I do ? " BS . I 'm getting sick of it too . After a few days of being on the brink of insanity , I find myself beguiled by a sudden bout of boredom ( alliteration , yay ! ) . I 've been stuck at home the past two days with nothing to do . Well … almost nothing . What I have been doing is some boring schoolwork ( mainly Chemistry ) , and I 've been on - line some . I also did a few other things … so lets get to everybody 's favorite time , " story time " . My dad came home yesterday and " invited " me to go and have lunch with mother and him . I thought I would be doing something tonight , but it was 2 PM , so I wasn 't too terribly worried . I drove to University Place ( for those of you wondering , that 's near Lowe 's Motor Speedway , or about a 45 - minute drive from my house ) . After having to deal with plenty of my father 's racial slurs ( some of which caused me to cringe and almost wreck ) , we arrived at mom 's office and had lunch with her . We went to by far the worst restaurant I 've been to , some place that I believe was called " Calimari 's " . It was a very poor attempt at an Italian restaurant . I wasn 't in the best mood after the drive there , so I decided I was going to be overly critical of the food . I didn 't have to be . A few bites after I started to eat this good - looking pasta with a horrible tasting sauce , I started to feel sick . A few minutes later and I was begging for my father 's food . A few minutes after and I couldn 't eat any more because I was sick to my stomach . The food sucked . Afterwards , after taking some potted plants from my mother 's office , which is in the process of closing , I got to drive home . Why ? Well , for the first time in a while , I got to be the designated driver . I have been quite bored today . I tried to write some poetry , but that was to no avail . I went to www . bored . com , and was able to waste a little bit of time . But what was there really to do other than to use my most unique part of me … my imagination . You see , dad told me today that it might snow tomorrow . Well , that just reminded me of a few things , and then a few other things . When was the last time it snowed enough to actually do something in Charlotte ? I 'd say about four years ago , but I 'm probably wrong . Anyhow , I have a few fond memories . Fun little slush - ball fights , my sorry attempt at a snowman , eating ice off of leaves . Those were times , fun times , times when I wasn 't bored . My attempts to put me back there in those days lasted about an hour and a half . Okay , so maybe I dozed off a little bit , but it was another good waste of time . And maybe I didn 't use my imagination as much as I implied , but I still used it so ha ! Well , don 't we just love what life throws at us sometimes . Charlotte just can 't seem to get a snow day can it ? It snows everywhere else , and all we get is slush . Nothing but slush . But I still got to miss school for a day , which was a good and bad thing , because now we don 't have a day off until Spring Break . And that , my friends , is very far away . But that isn 't the core matter that concerns me at the moment . No , that isn 't it at all . Instead , it 's a matter that I 'm sure we 've all had to deal with before . There is a friend in need . And of course , you are in a good position to help this friend . Well , the problem is that you are not able to help the friend . Why is that ? In my case , I just got the impression that she didn 't want my help . As a matter of fact , I received the impression that she wanted anything but my help . Oh , woe is me . What good am I if I can 't even help a friend in need . Maybe she just wanted to be alone … but then again , maybe not . I just wish I could 've helped . But … we all know me don 't we . Never the one to be able to put his foot down and force his position upon someone because he believes that the situation is to delicate and that if he does that he would never be forgiven . Of course , doing nothing is something much worse . Well , stupid me has to pick the worst crime of all … doesn 't he . Just run away . Why the hell do I do that so often . Whenever anything bad comes up , I just run away … I would 've come sooner , yes , but my mother has been hogging the computer for work related purposes for quite a while . Well , now it is tomorrow … just like the people say it should be . Tomorrow , we 've all heard that song at least once … right ? Oh well , there are other matters at hand at the moment . For instance , what is with me and saying matters lately ? Well , I have no idea . Oh well , I am doing well . I am visiting my brother today . That should be fun , because we 're going to do stuff like go to bible study and stuff like that ( and if you thought I was serious … well … lets just hope that you didn 't think I was ) . But there is something even more important that is going on . I have finally done it . After all of the struggle , after all of the trials and tribulations , all the roadblocks and mental blocks , I have finally done it . January 21 , 2000 will remain a red letter day to more for a little while … or at least until July 21 , 2000 rolls around . Well , enough suspense and babble , I finally have my driver 's license . I 'd love to write all about it , but my father is being a bitch and kicking me off the computer , so all of that will come later ( God forbid , may there be another update in scribblings after all ? The suspense continues … or not ) . Well … it 's been a day now . One whole day at college almost . I only have one comment for that , and none of you will be surprised . That is by far the most penis jokes I 've ever heard in one day . It was fun … almost , except kinda boring for the fact that I had to sit through 8 hours of seeing people play video games . Well … it was good to see my brother , so I got something out of it . In other news , it has finally snowed in Charlotte . Of course … I knew this was going to happen . And of course , it snows more in Charlotte than in did in Greensboro because I was up in Greensboro . Well , all the more for everyone when I get back . And I must say , damn , it sure does look pretty outside . Well , there better not be any school tomorrow , or I will be quite pissed . The streets are frozen , and there is around two inches of snow on the ground . If they cancel school for less than an inch , I could be out for a week because of this predicament . Now … if only we had five inches of snow . Then I would be quite happy . But , take what you get , and enjoy it while you can . Now to scribe arcane random messages into the snow and on people 's cars ! YAY ! Now I have my driver 's license , for those of you who weren 't paying attention last time . I haven 't driven at all since I 've gotten it , but I will have an opportunity soon . And when I do , things will be all fun and stuff . And I 'm sure I 'll have plenty of interesting stories . But since I 'm babbling again , I shall get off my butt , get some ice cream , sit back down on my butt , and do nothing .

Old fashioned hat draw : ) Number 9 wins ! Out of the possible 10 entrants ( not counting the deleted comments , of course ) , the winner of the jam giveaway was . . . . comment # 9 , Cecelia D . ! I will gladly deliver these in person , since Mrs . D and family live in Soldotna : ) Congratulations ! ! Have a safe and happy holiday weekend everyone : ) Now that Thanksgiving dinner has been picked over and our children are settling into their beds , watching a movie on their ceiling ( thanks to this cool little gift from Auntie Barb ) , I can turn my attention to the coming holidays and fun winter activities . The boys and I will be going to the Nutcracker play in Homer again this year . If you can 't make it to the Nutcracker Ballet in Anchorage , the Nutcracker in Homer is an altogether wonderful , different experience , and is far cheaper to attend . The boys favorite scene in the Nutcracker story is , of course , the battle between the toy soldiers and the mice . Swords clanging , a mutated mouse who has made himself the king , a violent , bloody death . Whats not to love ? Its too bad they weren 't around for my encounter with a mouse in our house ! Late one night , last month , I woke to make a bottle for our baby . I shuffled into the kitchen , following the light from the lamp on the piano . The kitchen was completely dark , but I navigated my way to the range and turned on the burner under the kettle . I flipped on the range hood light just after lighting the burner and as my eyes adjusted to the light , something moved off to the left on the counter ! I stepped back and just then a little mouse darted out from behind the bottles of oil and vinegar on the counter . He ran to the edge of the counter , noticed me standing there and ran around for a moment , searching for another escape route . And then . . . he ran INTO the flame under the kettle ! I wasn 't sure if he had survived and I smelled singed fur . I was shocked ! He had wanted to escape so badly that diving into the fire was better than facing me ! I can skin a caribou and swing a hammer , but mice bother me . They 're sneaky and I worry about stepping on one in the dark ! I made my husband get up to check that the mouse wasn 't dead and laying under my cook top , and after he set some rodent poison behind the stove , we went back to bed . We know that the mouse was making his trips to the kitchen via the holes left ( presumably for plumbing repaiPosted by A couple times a year , I make jam . A whole lotta jam ! I typically don 't have time to make jam when I pick our raspberries in August and September so I freeze my berries and make seedless jam later . November is a good time for this . In the spring , I do strawberry and mango . This year , I helped pick a friend 's raspberries because she had a broken leg . Her raspberries added to mine ( from the old house ) , the ones my mom picks and brings to me and the ones I pick from my dad 's house , makes for a long week of making jam ! I haven 't purchased jam in . . . 6 years ? Its easy to make and almost free if you can find enough berries in your yard or the woods ( or bum them off relatives ) . In return for all the donated berries , I make jam for my parents and this year , my friends too ! When all that is done , I suspect I will still have an abundance of jam , so I am trying some new combinations with raspberries . Raspberry and currant . Raspberry and lingonberry sauce ( low bush cranberries ) . Maybe even a raspberry and cherry . Best of all , I make my jams with Pomona 's , so you 're not eating mostly sugar . There is only about an ounce of sugar per 8 oz jar ( 2 tbsp ) . Sounds good , right ? Well , I am feeling so generous that I am doing a " Jam Giveaway " ! Over the next week , post something on our blog and you will be entered to win a 4 pack of assorted Raspberry jams ! Leave a comment on this posting about your favorite change so far on our house , leave a suggestion for us , tell us what you are most thankful for this year , anything ! I 'll announce the winner the day after Thanksgiving ( and post it on Facebook ) and your jams will be in the mail shortly thereafter . I don 't make money from this blog , this is just a fun way for me to share some of " Ireland Manor " with my readers , and since I can 't afford to send you all a jam , then it has to be a contest : ) Good luck ! - Mrs . Ireland Winter can sneak up on me , even though I am a life long Alaskan ! I plan and plan for so many projects in the summer and fall and inevitably , a few go unfinished or worse , unstarted ! I guess if we didn 't set the bar so high , we would never accomplish half of what we do , though it still feels like I should have done more ( I can 't speak for Mr . Ireland , who works harder than anyone I know ) ! Progress on the house has come almost to a complete stop now that we are moved in , but as I gathered pictures for this posting , and started listing off the changes , it adds up to quite a list ! I am really impressed that between the birthday parties ( little Liam , Mr . Ireland and Callen , all in a 2 week time frame ) and my trip to California to see my grandparents , we managed to do so much during October and early November ! Read on for our list : Two of our birthday boys , Callen and LiamInstalled a new furnace ! Finally moved my piano over from the old house ! Reorganized Mr . Ireland 's studioCleared all the boxes from the dining room ! Reorganized the nurseryUnpacked and organized all the children 's toysHung coat racks in the older boys roomHad a load of dirt delivered and filled holes on the property ! Moved all the homeschool materials from the boys second closet to the school nookSewed curtains and installed drapery rodsInstalled a hand towel ring in the upstairs bathAttached Ice Breaker Mats to the front steps ! ( Just today ! ) Moved a desk from the porch to the dining room ( sorry mom , it will have to stay till spring ! ) Moved a cupboard from my studio to the living room , to serve as the upstairs linen cabinetYou can see by the exclamation points that some of these projects I was very excited to have finished . We are at a point in the renovation process that we can function fairly well in the current conditions and things are not quite as overwhelming , spatially . With the busy season at work for Mr . Ireland and the holiday season approaching , we are taking a break from any large projects until January . I have grand plans for the spring and summPosted by Not much has been happening around here at " Ireland Manor " . We have managed to empty the linen closet of all the boxes of toiletries ( seriously , where does it all come from ? ! ) , which allowed us to clear the linens out of the bottom of the master bedroom closet , which in turn allowed us to stack some of the boxes into the closet that were part of the maze in our bedroom . The rest of the maze was stacked on a second upper shelf in the top of our closet , and for the first time since moving in , I was able to sweep our bedroom floor ! I don 't have the heart to steal our rug back from the nursery , where our soon - to - be toddler loves to sit on it and play , so for now I will have to keep our room swept and deal with the grit that sticks to my bare feet . Either that or I will have to wear some slippers . . . Eventually , the master bedroom will need to be emptied again and have real flooring put in over the currently Kilzed subfloor . That day is far off in the distance though . New shelves ; Shelves serving their purpose ! Mr . Ireland managed to build the first set of shelves in the basement . This being his busy season at work , I am very grateful that I have any shelves at all . It has helped immensely to have that first set . It sits next to the freezer , making it a perfect location for canned goods and rarely used kitchen items ( thanks Peter , for helping me organize that ! ) Best of all , the shelves will all be built to accommodate rubber storage totes under neath them on the floor . This means I can store our totes of children 's clothing ( with this many boys , we don 't get rid of anything ! ) and not worry about items getting wet , should our basement ever flood . I don 't think it will ( and we will have a sump in floor soon ) but it is an old house and one never can tell . Brody trying out his new bike ! ; Our new couch , prepped for its trip upstairs . We acquired another sofa during the past month . Its hideous , its so not what I wanted , but it was free and actually in good shape and didn 't smell ! I don 't know how he does it , but my husband has aPosted by Our new dishwasher arrived yesterday ! That is the only reason I have time to blog : ) I have to say a BIG thank you to my dad , since this was a housewarming gift from him ! It is so sleek and shiny , and quiet , and I love it ! My morning feels wide open because I spent only 5 minutes loading a dishwasher instead of an hour washing up by hand . So thank you , Dad ! As I promised , I will describe my general plan for the front yard . Right now , we have a sizeable lawn . It 's nothing in comparison to the lawn at the old house , but its a decent size and a little more than we want to spend our time mowing . My plan is to enclose about half of the front yard with a stone wall . I have planted some of my flowers and my currants along the line that will be the front wall . I 'd like the wall to run along the drive , from the front left corner of the porch to just under the spruce tree , then across the front yard and back along the right side , ending at the slope down to our basement . Its quite a large area , but as I said , it will certainly save us time mowing and still leave plenty of lawn for play , and also give me plenty of room for a large garden . We saved all the rock from the fireplace and with a few more loads of rock delivered , I will start the wall in the early spring next year . Front view of house , purposed wall front viewWhen we moved , my father in law encouraged me to take all the plants from the garden with me . I counted up the plants when we were loading them into the back of a truck and the cash value of the plants came to over $ 600 ! I 'm glad I took them , especially since I have split most of them into 2 or 3 pieces and those will be the foundation plants for my garden . I will be preparing the garden for next spring using the lasagna garden method . Along with the irises , peonies , currants , raspberries , rhubarb , labrador violet and lily of the valley I have planted now , I will mix in vegetables and a few more perennials next spring . I might have time to sink a few bulbs into the garden before the ground freezes too . Its not Posted by It has taken 3 weeks to clean my kitchen ! THREE WEEKS . With no dishwasher , and 5 - ish meals prepared every day , it was difficult for me to reprogram my self to wash up after EVERY meal ( or at least the big ones ) . I think I 'm getting the hang of it . Most of our progress has stalled at this stage , aside from the occasional small project like installing a bathroom fan in the upstairs bath . I 've spent a lot of my time just working around boxes and when I get to a point that I can do no more , we go outside to look for work ! In my next post , I 'll describe exactly what 's going on out in the yard and how much work I have to do . We did manage to get the boys bunkbed reassembled . After 2 weeks of sleeping on their mattreses amongst the boxes and toys , we gave up on the idea of staining it and put it together . Let me just say that building it was SO much easier than putting it together a second time ! We thought the bunk boards , in their new complete state , would make reassembly simple , but no . We had to disassemble the bunk boards ( remove the board from their cleats on the side rails ) so we could install side rails first and then drop the bunk board back in to be re - fastened . Not so bad , but more difficult than we had planned . I 'm just glad that thing is moved and the boys are all " put away " in their own beds , making bed time so much easier ( and quieter ! ) The rain finally let up for a week or two and gave us a little of the sunshine that we had been missing this summer . Unfortunately , it did not stick around longer and today is another gloomy day . It doesn 't look to be full on raining , but I can hear the drops slowly dripping from the metal roof to the roof over the porch . I do love the sound rain makes on the roof ! Last week we had a small leak start around the chimney . As you know , we spent 2 weeks removing the rock from the existing fireplace surround , where we then hung new sheetrock and textured to match the rest of the living room . We did not mess with the chimney pipe at all ! It looks like it was designed to have a woodsPosted by Well , we did it ! We are in . It took a full week to get our things out of the old house and stacked into the new house , but we managed . In the end , we had exactly enough boxes to get packed , thanks in part to my brother 's girlfriend loaning us some totes and my mother hunting down boxes for us . I think it was the post - move cleaning that nearly did me in though . I 'm so happy that we are done moving ! Now the fun begins . . . Unpacking ! There are so many boxes stacked up around the house , its overwhelming . I 'm not sure where to start , but I do know that building storage shelves in the basement just climbed up to the top of the priority list . My new kitchen , while a lovely color , is not nearly as large as the last one and many things are going to have to find different homes or just leave altogether . On our first night in the house , we had a clogged pipe , making one of the sinks over flow and spill water down onto the furnace . Turns out it was a blessing , since it drew attention to an electrical problem that we had missed during all our work . Over the past week , we have had appliances brought in and Mr . Ireland has been busy running gas pipe and repairing the finicky machines . Our dryer quit 5 minutes in to the first load and had me hanging laundrey out on a line for a few days . The dryer giving out and the kitchen needing to be reorganized are welcome challenges . It seems that of all the changes I wanted to make when we had a home that was ours , now is the time to pair down kitchen items and to use less gas by hanging our laundry . It will take some getting used to but I think we will manage . I had hoped to have some pictures up soon but I 've misplaced my camera in the move . Once things have found homes and we bring the last of our furniture in off the porch , I 'll be sure to post some new photos . Thanks for reading : ) Here 's a decent picture of our dining room . Its a color called " Evening Peruvian Lily " . The color changes a lot depending on the lighting . Nautral lighting is all I have right now , since we haven 't installed light fixtures yet . In cloudy cover , the walls take on a pink cast . When the sky is clear and it is sunny out , then the walls are more of a concentrated red or orange . I wonder what it will look like in the winter , when the snow will reflect a lot of light back up into the room . . . Well , not really a " green " kitchen , at least not in the " chemical free / environmentally friendly / reclaimed " kind of green . With just about 4 days until move - in , today I finished painting the kitchen . It is a lovely shade called " Pine Scent " . It reminds me of a billiard table ! Our kitchen isn 't very big , but I think this strong color works really well in here . I did finally finish the dining room yesterday and took some pictures today but the overcast sky outside made the walls a funny color , so I will have to take better pictures to share on a sunny day . Its not what I expected now that its up on the wall , but I think I love it . Wall where the range will go ; Fridge wall , base molding to come laterMore repairs have been pushed to the " after we move in list " , including refinishing the hardwood floors . Its a little bit of a bummer , but totally okay . Mr . Ireland has developed a nasty tooth ache and isn 't able to do quite as much as he would like . There isn 't enough time to finish this project on my own , so I will do the things that I do have time for and make it as livable as possible . Which means I will be cleaning and moving small items over to the house over the next few days . I 'm hoping that we will have some help moving on Thursday and Friday . Maybe it will be furniture only . . . . that would be nice , wouldn 't it ? I managed to paint the boy 's bedroom yesterday . It looks like Gymboree threw up all over the walls ! The three oldest boys just could not agree on what color to have their room painted , so we ended up doing three colors . Let me clarify that this is not a style that I normally am attracted to . I find it overwhelming but , its not my room ! Its a child 's room , and since they change their minds fairly frequently , I 'm sure I won 't have to look at it for 20 more years . Five would be plenty ! Mr . Ireland started the beginning of his vacation yesterday . He is pretty terrific , choosing to spending his vacation working on the house . Of course , we have to be in it by the end of the month , so it 's not much of a choice ! With just over a week to go , we are down to the last of the manageable projects . Some things have made their way from the " before we move in " list to the " sometime after we are in it " list . We 're trying to focus on paint and flooring and leave all the finishing work for later . Triple layered living room wall , in all its pink gloryYesterday we prepped the living room for painting , removing the wall paper border , filling holes , that sort of thing . One of the walls had two extra layers of sheetrock over the orginal wall . . . We were unsure of what we would find if we removed it , and were hesitant to do so , until I pulled the top layers back and peered behind it with a flashlight . I couldn 't see any holes in the original wall or any reason why there should be another layer over it , and it looked like it was being held in place by a few nails , so we gave it a tug and down it came ! Under the extra layers was a near perfect wall with pretty rose wallpaper . It smelled faintly of perfume and old house ( it was not , however , scratch and sniff ) . We think the living room was originally 3 bedrooms , making a total of 6 small bedrooms on the third floor , so this had to have been a girls room ! There was even a poster taped to the wall . Smelling the wallpaper ( we all did it ! ) ; Boys removing wallpaper . Instead of removing the wallpaper , Posted by Well , my manicure it thrashed . I went to Anchorage for the weekend and spend time with my girlfriend for her birthday and we had mani 's & pedi 's done . It was wonderful while it lasted , but after paint and sheet rock and mud , there isn 't much left of my nail polish ! I 'll have to take another trip when this is all done . Monday , Mr . Ireland and I laid down wood for the floor in the nursery . Our plan has never been to have this place perfect before we move in , but to have it mostly finished and leave the little things to be finished for later . Moulding , new cabinet doors in the kitchen , remodeling bathrooms . Those are things that I can handle being done while we live in it . Considering that those all fall to me , they will have to wait anyway ! This solution is temporary . Someday it will be removed and replaced with hardwood flooring to match the existing wood in the dining room . Next comes painting the floor and installing moldings . The nursery will need to be completely finished before we move in . To do that , I 'll have to have someone teach me how to use a router * hint hint * Then I can make my own base molding to match the molding in the hall . I 'm sure there 's someone in my family who could do that . . . . Tuesday , I painted our bedroom . Unfortunately , it was raining and the first coat would just not dry , so I will have to put a second coat up before we start putting wood on the floor in there . We are sticking with the same color for our walls that we have in our rental house right now . It took years for us to agree on a color for our bedroom , why mess with it now ? Before ; CurrentToday , we hung dry wall ! We finished the fireplace corner and the inside wall for the boy 's second closet . It looks one hundred times better upstairs ! Removing that fireplace really opens up the whole room . The rock is taped and mudded , now I get to go in and texture . The division of labor for this project seems lopsided , but trust me , Mr . Ireland finds paint and texture tedious work and I rather enjoy it ! I 'll be hearing about the fireplace demo foPosted by If you have time to spare this summer , or need something worthwhile to do , this is where you should go : http : / / shipoffools2010 . blogspot . com / Kelly and Willow lost their home in a fire this past winter . They have 3 little kids and they are determined to rebuild . Not just rebuild but to build better ! This is a fantastic project . I am envious of the goal they have set for themselves and the lifestyle they are choosing for their family . Laborers are needed , so if you feel like doing something meaningful this summer , make this it ! - Mrs . Ireland Demolition is definitely more fun than repair . Our postings get farther and farther apart , mostly because the work is slow going . With a month left until we need to be out of the rental house , we can feel the days wasting away . Here are a couple more pics , just so you can see what we are working on . New ceilingWe started texturing the ceiling in the mom & dad 's room on Monday , mixed our medium to thin , and had to start over . Today I finished that room and then moved on to the nursery . Only one bedroom left that needs texture . I 've applied the texture by hand in the master bedroom , by loop roller in the nusery and the third will be done a completely different way as well , to match the ceiling in the other half of the room . It looks like it was floated on . . . . interesting . I don 't care for the texture in the nursery , but I doubt I will have time to go back and re - do it . Time at the house without children is rare . Mr . Ireland has framed in the wall that will divide the boy 's room from the living room . We can see where they had a wall there before , but we are not sure how , since there are no studs that line up in ANY of the walls - ceiling - floor to make it a straight forward build . Mr . Ireland put some cross supports on one wall , which will allowed him to sink into the stud on one side of the wall and the bracing on the other . This wall will be in the back of a closet on the bedroom side and part of built in book shelves in the living room side , so we aren 't that worried about it taking hard hits from rambunctious boys . Next week we should be able to finish Mr . Ireland 's office wall and sheet rock the fireplace corner . I have been clearing out the crawlspace this week , bringing boxes to the basement and my office , the only two spaces that are finished ( well , mostly ) . Its slow going , but we 'll get there ! rIt seems like we have spent a lot of time working on the same projects over the last two weeks . I am happy to say that some of them are complete ! The fireplace rock is DOWN ! The plywood backing is down ( the picture was taken before it was ripped out ) and we can probably hang sheet rock soon . Removing the closet has brightened up the rest of the room ; You can see where the closet was before it was removed . The nursery is coming along as well . We installed the sheet rock for the ceiling and now we can texture the bedroom ceilings . The completion of the nursery will allow us to work at the house for longer periods of time and give the kids a place to play . Mr . Ireland tore out a closet in his studio , and is replacing that section with a straight wall . Before AfterIn an effort to speed up our transition from one house to the next , I laid vinyl tile squares in my new sewing room . I should be spending more time packing , but one car load of boxes a day is about all I can do . I will not be leaving it lavender , it is temporary . We are closing in on the last major projects - the kitchen , which includes repairing the hardwood floor and restyling the cabinets , and then the heating system which , thankfully , is Mr . Ireland 's profession ! Replacing the heating ducts will go a long way toward improving the smell in our house ! Keep checking back : ) We didn 't get all that much done today . I pulled staples and nails off of the stairs , the boys helped upstairs by vacuuming and sweeping , and Mr . Ireland started breaking rocks off of the fireplace wall . Once he got started , he found that most of the rock wanted to come down with the chicken wire baselayer . He is confident that the rock will all be down by the end of the week and we can move forward with sheet rock . It will be really nice to have that corner of the living room usable ! Other than that , we walked thru the house , discussing our concerns and ideas and getting a plan together for the week . We are each tackling a job on our own and then one big project that we will accomplish together . My goal is to have the wallpaper down and the molding in the dining room stripped . Together we will finish the nursery . Things are coming along . The basement if painted . I set out thinking that this would be a very easy project . Day 1 , wash the floor with concrete prep . Day 2 , paint . Right ? Wrong . Washing was easy , right until the last 20 square feet , that started foaming when I went over it with the floor cleaner ! ! It needed to be scrubbed again , with good ol ' bleach and water , and then the smell and the stain were both gone . When it came time to paint , I had intended to do it all myself , but then I mentioned that we were going to put paint fleck " sprinkles " , I had 3 volunteers ! The sprinkles aren 't exactly evenly distributed , but sometimes it 's more important to let them help than to have it perfect ! Now that the basement is done , we can get going on those shelves for storage , bring in the washer and dryer , and start customizing Mr . Ireland 's studio ! Our reward to ourselves for renovating ( other than getting a really nice house in the end ) is that we each get a fantastic space for ourselves ! I get a fabulous bathroom , no sharing with little boys , and Mr . Ireland gets a music studio . The boys will get to have their room painted however the can agree to paint it , their reward for helping mom & dad get the house ready . Thankfully , mom & dad have the final say ! ooAll of the carpet and pad and subfloor is officially out of the living room ! The bedrooms that had carpet are stripped as well . Now we are left with removing the vinyl from the floor of the second bedroom , which could have been used as a kennel ? Yikes . So far , renovations have gone fairly well . It has been a lot of hard work , but inexpensive overall . We are hoping to get all of our demolition done before the end of the month and then we can begin moving on to repairs and painting . I have volunteered to repair the hardwood in the kitchen , where it was damaged from a washer sitting on it ( and then leaking , I would think ! ) I feel very blessed that yesterday , Mr . Ireland began tearing out the upstairs fireplace and bench surround and discovered that the bench was constructed of the VERY SAME tongue - and - groove flooring that is in the kitchen ! Woohoo ! That means that I don 't have to try to find a match and we can save money ! I give credit to the original builder of this house - he was a very good carpenter . The unusual but blatantly providential circumstances of buying , and now renovating , this house have kept our spirits high . I 'm very grateful ! Today I will finish painting the basement floor , and then we will build storage shelves and start bringing things from the crawlspace at our rental house and giving them homes . I would like to tackle the fireplace soon . It is rock and cement ? There is no functional use for this , since it is on the third floor , which stays plenty warm , and we don 't want a woodstove up there . If we ever put one in , it will be on a lower floor , where it will better heat the house . So out it must come . It looks like it is mounted on plywood , but we don 't even know where to begin without destroying that corner of our house . We know , go slowly , take care . Any other tips ?

For those of you who have never tried a Lara Bar - - do yourself a favour and go out and buy one . Namely the " Cashew Cookie . " Lara bars have only natural ingredients and the latter one has only two ingredients : dates and cashews . I 've tried the other flavours , but they don 't compare to the Cashew Cookie IMHO . For a bar that has only two ingredients , it tastes so delicious ! I 've been dying to make my own as they cost a hefty $ 2 . 19 each at the local store ( less at Costco , but you don 't get Cashew Cookie , you only get an assorted box ) . For Christmas , one of my prezzies was a food processor , and I cracked it open today and whipped up a batch of homemade Lara Bars . It was so easy and they taste so awesome . The recipe is very , very easy - - remember we are talking about me cooking here so it has to be . : ) 1 . Big bunch of pitted dates2 . Bunch of cashewsI threw in a bunch of cashews into the food processor first , because once the dates go in , it is a STICKY MESS . I chopped them up so they were in tiny pieces and then poured them into a bowl . Next , I put a whole big bunch of pitted dates into the food processor . I just left it on high until the dates form themselves into a ball that whirls around and around . Then , all you do is break up the big ball of mashed dates into smaller balls . Dip these little balls over and over again into the cashew bowl until they can 't hold anymore cashews . Roll the little balls between your palms ( no perverted comments here , Jenna - LOL ! ) until they form ropes . Then press them flat into bar shapes . You can get all fancy and use a cutting board to flatten the bar and a knife to straighten the sides . Then , all you do is wrap up the bars in plastic wrap and throw them in the fridge . YUM ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Happy New Year everyone ! ! ! ! ! I had to post a quick update in regards to my new bike . I hooked her up to my Computrainer and could not believe the spike in my wattage output ! ! ! ! ! I mean serious increase people ! ! ! I did this one set where normally I would be around 170 - 185 Watts , today , I was doing 280 - 300 watts . Pedaling is so much easier , spinning is so much easier - - even my left knee has healed . I used to experience quite a bit of pain in my left knee , and just since riding my new bike , the pain has disappeared . I LOVE MY NEW BIKE AND I LOVE BOW CYCLE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I was lucky enough to squeak in to see a guy at Bow Cycle on the 27th . He had me sorted out in no time and I left approximately 1 hour and 45 minutes later with a brand spanking new Cervelo P2C . They had a promotion going on where you get 15 % off your purchase to be used on in - store merchandise . So - - my new saddle , dual bottle holders , shoes and pedals were included . I then headed to Keith 's and Linda 's house so I could break in my new bike . I only made one small navigational error en route to Keith 's . . . All I 'm saying is that I am glad there was no one home at the first house I knocked at ! Hahahahahahaha ! ! I set up my new bike beside Keith 's and told him that I was going to wear my iPod - - He said , " Really ? " and sounded mildly disappointed . But I was adamant - - I remember reading about his collection of 14th century music and could not fathom rocking out to Bartok . Hahahahaha ! ! But , he was persuasive and threw a video of the IMC course on and then played an amazingly CURRENT collection of music . I just about fell off my bike when he cranked Ace of Base at one point . People - - do not be fooled - - Keith can ROCK OUT ! ! ! ! LOL ! ! ! ! Keith and Linda took me to an amazing Greek restaurant for dinner and I stuffed myself silly . I think I love Greek food like Susi loves sushi . LOL ! ! ! : ) : ) : ) Thanks so much to Keith and Linda who holed me up in their wonderful home - - You two are the best ! ! Big hugs to both of you ! ! :) :) : ) Will someone please tell me how in the world it is even possible I was able to complete : * FOUR Ironman races * THREE half IMs * FIVE Olympic Tris and * THREE Sprint trison a bike that is 6 sizes too big for me ? ? ? ? Thanks to my new coach - - THANK GOD FOR HER - - I just found out that I should be riding nothing bigger than a 50 or 51 cm - - mine is 56 cm . It is so big that her 6 foot 2 inch partner has the same frigging size bike as I do . AAAARGGGGHHHH - - I felt like such an idiot ! ! ! ! ! But , at least this problem is going to be rectified . . . my bike Madge has been re - christened to : " The Big Mother Tucker " Minus the T and replaced with an F of course . Or for short - - BMF . For now , I 'll ride BMF until I get a properly fitting bike . The visit with my coach on Wednesday was absolutely unbelievable - - she is a true professional and was patient , thorough and generous . I had a major epiphany about running form , and discovered that my swimming isn 't as disastrous as she thought it would be - - LOL ! ! ! ! Hey - - I 'll take a compliment no matter how much I have to spin it to my advantage . Hee - hee ! ! I had typed up two pages of questions all about nutrition , stretching , everything I could think of , and she answered every single one of them . Although , I thought I detected a mild look of alarm when I flipped the first page of questions over . . . Hahahahahaha ! ! ! ! All in all , I was vibrating like Jenna 's eye - roller the whole day long . I learned so much - - and I have actually retained it ! Go figure ! : ) : ) She analyzed my swimming and has given me some new drills and pool side exercises to do . I think I wrote about this to Jenna : On Friday morning , there I was with my stretch cords on the pool deck doing my new exercises . The lifeguard said to me , " Careful , Julie - - People are going to start thinking you are a swimmer . " Hahahahaha ! ! I had a wonderful time and have to thank my coach yet again . Thank you Sara ! ! ! You are an angel in disguise ! ! ! ! ! ! Well , sorry for the short and choppy post , but I thought I 'd better get on it , or else suffer the wrath ofPosted by That 's me - - Hahahahaha ! ! For some time now I 've been toying with the idea of purchasing some kind of compression clothing . OH NO ! I know what you are thinking - - don 't cave in to the dorky socks ! ! I have resisted the urge to buy those stupid looking socks , but I am at the point now where I really do need some kind of compression for my legs . After IMC this year , my legs and ankles swelled like I was a sailor on the ship that watched Bikini Island blow up , and then picked up a piece of radioactive pebble , put it in his pocket , only to discover years later , that his limbs started to swell and swell and swell because of the radioactivity . You get the idea . Fortunately , I had scarfed a number of ankle and knee compression things from my store this summer . I sold them for $ 1 . 50 each - - and they are GOOD . Aside from lying on the floor , with my bum pressed against the wall and my legs upright , those little compression things did provide a large amount of relief . Fast forward to now - - I am training like I have never trained before - - the first two weeks of December I did 13 . 4 hours each week . For the first time , I feel like I am actually pushing myself , and my whole body is feeling it . On Sunday , I had a long , hilly run , and then after swimming yesterday , I also had another 1 hour run . When I was swimming , my legs felt super - heavy , and I was wondering how in the world I was going to run later on in the day . But I did - - and I actually felt great ! After my run ( and some good stretching ) , I dug through my drawers to find my trusty compression knee things . I slept with them on for most of the night . Sometime in the night , I must have woken up and flung them off , because I found them at the far end of the room this morning - - Hahahahaha ! ! I put them on again this morning , and they feel good . I guess I 'm just stoked that I am working out hard enough where I truly need compression thingies ! ! LOL ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Peanut had to come and see what I was doing . . . LOL ! ! ! ! I 've ordered a couple of pairs of compression Cw - x tights from the US , aPosted by I thought I 'd do something entirely different and post about my training . . . . go figure ! LOL ! ! Things are going great ! I 've started swimming four times a week , and have discovered the types of food I need to eat in order for me to feel great . It 's funny - - when I was visiting with Jenna , she mentioned watching " The Last Ten Pounds Bootcamp " and how cool it would be to have your nutritional choices all laid out for you . . . Well , we were once again on the same wavelength , as it was by watching that show I stumbled across the power breakfast to end all power breakfasts . This breakfast has been my missing link , I swear . I have so much more energy and feel more satisfied from it . Are you ready for it ? Hee - hee ! Here it is : Three egg whites and one egg yolk ( for those who are as muddle - headed as I am , that translates to 2 egg whites and 1 whole egg . Yes , that took me a bit to figure out - - Hahahaha ! ! ) Handful of cooked broccoliScramble eggs and veggies , then top it off with a glass of juice and 2 slices of whole grain toast with peanut butter . I 've always heard if you eat a proper breakfast it sets you up energy - wise for the rest of the day , and curbs any sugar cravings . I 've always eaten breakfast , but there is something about this combination of food that is KAPOW ! ! for me . : ) : ) : ) : ) Now - - onto the title of my post . . . . The change rooms at the Sparwood pool are very , very warm . And humid . The kind of moist heat that has you toweling yourself off again and again and never achieving total dryness . In fact , there is a direct correlation between how much I exert myself in the pool and how hot I find the change rooms afterward . All this leads to the inevitable Sweaty Boob Syndrome . I HATE HAVING SWEATY BOOBS . I hate it so much , that I as soon as I 'm done toweling off , I rush to stand underneath a hand - dryer and dress between blasts of hot air . For you men out there who don 't know of this phenomenon , allow me to elaborate . In a hot , humid change room , the first spot that condensation occurs on a woman is on her boobs . Under her boPosted by After visiting my sister in Melfort , SK , this past week , I made plans to stop in Saskatoon to visit fellow blogger , Jenna . The build up to this meeting was something else - - I felt like I already knew her , but had never actually physically met her . I had communicated with her via email , but had never even spoke with her on the telephone ! Thursday night I made my first voice contact with Jenna - - I called her , and said , " Hello ? I am looking for my kindred spirit ? " LOL ! ! ! There was a pause , that quickly evaporated once I said , " Is this Jennalicious the Vicous ? " I was just about vibrating with excitement all that night and the next day in anticipation of meeting her - - I JUST KNEW that we were cut from the same cloth . When I pulled up to her house , ( I couldn 't believe I had found the place and wasn 't lost somewhere Hahahaha ! ! ) and she answered the door it was AWESOME ! ! ! We hugged each other and like Jenna has said in her post , we blabbed and blabbed and blabbed ! ! She is drop - dead gorgeous too - - smoking hot . I knew she was a looker from the occasional pics she has posted , but WOWIEEEE ! ! Hahahahahahaha ! ! ! I felt immediately comfortable around her - - and the same went for meeting Kelly - - ANOTHER Saskatoon babe . Holy Moly , there must be something in the water over there . LOL ! ! We gabbed and laughed like we had known each other our whole lives - - yes , it was truly that comfortable . It 's amazing the connections we have made via our little blogging world . Thank you Kelly , for picking up the tab at the restaurant - - and thank you Jenna for being such a gracious hostess . You are every bit the kind , loving , warm , thoughtful , and generous person I thought you were - - and more ! We have unfinished business , however . There are so many things we didn 't get a chance to talk about . That is why I 'll be back ! ! And a huge invitation goes out to Jenna and Kelly ( and my other blogger buddies , too ! ) - - if you ever find yourself rolling through the Crowsnest Pass , give me a shout . You are more than welcome to stay at my humble abode ! ! : ) : ) Posted by I 've been tagged by Kelly - - http : / / kachow - kelly . blogspot . com / So - - - here goes ! ! 7 Random Things About Moi : 1 . In Grade 3 , we were asked to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up . I drew a picture of a lion tamer in a circus . 2 . I have a terrible habit of chewing the inside of my cheek . 3 . I can burp on command . 4 . I HATE Vegas . I don 't see what all the fuss is about . I hate the gambling , the smoking , the noise , the lights , and the shows everyone blathers on about . Plop me in the middle of the mountains - - now THAT is something to see . 5 . Okay - - this is a tough one , but here goes . I don 't get sushi . I can eat it ; it 's all right ; but when it comes down to it , all I can taste is rice dipped in soy sauce . Sorry , Susi , but I had to come clean . LOL ! ! ! ! ! 6 . My favourite author of all time is Robertson Davies . I own every single one of his books - - even the ones published posthumously . 7 . A few years ago I was hypnotically regressed and remembered a past life as a doctor named Eddie who lived in England in the 1850s . I shit you not . ; ) Now , according to the rules of this little game , I have to tag someone else , and they have to link back to me . . . SUSI SWEETPEA , YOU ARE IT ! ! ! ! ! http : / / sbrgyrl . blogspot . com The only reason I am even posting is because I had to let Jenna know my push up count ! Hee - hee ! ! Day 2Set 1 : 10Set 2 : 12Set 3 : 8Set 4 : 8Set 5 : 12Day 3 Set 1 : 11Set 2 : 15Set 3 : 9Set 4 : 9Set 5 : 13 ( OWWW ! ! ! ) LOL ! Melfort is much colder than the Pass , and as flat as a pancake . I 've been swimming in their glorious pool here - - what a treat ! AND it is actually 25 meters ! ! ! LOL ! ! ! My sister and her hubby introduced me to Rock Band ( or Rockstar or whatever it 's called ! ) last night and I was giving ' er on the drums all evening . . . I haven 't been able to get the hang of the guitar yet , but I belted out some Alanis Morissete and some Pearl Jam . Hahahahaha ! ! And for Keith - - the chin up quest is still on . I haven 't forgot about it yet , I 'm just going to build up some push up strength and then I 'm going to try it again . : ) : ) I nuked a cup of coffee in my sister 's microwave this morning , not realizing that the mug I was using was not microwavable - - when I went to grab the handle it burned me pretty good . I 've been holding a frozen water bottle all morning , and am now off to go swimming . The pain isn 't too bad now - - a tingly burning pain that I don 't want to concentarte on . Nothing that a little HTFU won 't fix . . . LOL ! ! Oh and Jenna - - my sister is giving me a pass to see the tour of Christmas lights in Saskatoon - - apparently it 's the biggest and best of its kind in Canada ! ! WOW ! : ) So , we can all pile into my car and tour around on Friday night with Timmy 's in our hands . :) :) : ) Ok Jenna - - Mike laid in bed and timed the 60 seconds rest between my sets - - Day 1 of Week 1 : Set 1 : 10Set 2 : 12Set 3 : 7Set 4 : 7Set 5 : 11 Bring on some serious push up action . Hahahahahahahaha ! ! ! Looks like I 'll be heading up to toon town Sunday . . . I might see you on the way up or the way back . I 'll give you a shout tomorrow ! ! ! So , Chuck has prompted me to get my butt in gear and post ! I 've been busy training and sleeping . : ) There are just a few more niggly - piggly things to be done for the store , but everything is out of there and I have no reason ever to set foot in there again ! ! ! Here 's what I 've been up to - - Since I 've started training again , I 've noticed how much more I sweat than last year - - especially on the bike . I mean REALLY sweat . So , I 've started this little game , where I see if I can actually wring the sweat out of my sports bra at the end of a workout . I 've come pretty close - - I 've been saturated , but I could coax nary a droplet . . . until last week . I think I crossed the sweat - barrier or something . After my bike , I quickly stripped off my duds and performed my little ritual - - And Lo ! ! ! The sweat wrung out of my top , hit the tub . YAY ! ! ! Hahahahaha ! ! See ? It doesn 't take me much to get excited ! ! : ) : ) Onto to other training news - - Next week , I 'm bumping up to 4 swims a week . Which brings me to the push up challenge . Sorry , Jenna , but I haven 't been able to squeeze anymore push up workouts into my schedule yet . My poor wee little arms are plain tuckered out from all the swimming I 'm doing ! ! But , I am not going to bail , yet . If I crap out , then I 'll concentrate on cheering all of you on instead ! ! ! ! : ) : ) By the way - - I 've been thinking about the blog world lately , and wanted to thank all of you who have commented and blog themselves . I have learned so much from all of you - - so that when the poop has gone down in my life , I 've drawn upon your experiences for strength . I actually just emailed Kelsey about this - - most recently , her example has provided me with immeasurable strength . Instead of sinking into bad feelings , I rallied myself by remembering how hard Kelsey has fought for change and how courageous she has been in dealing with one obstacle after another . All this - - and she didn 't even know the influence she had ! I guess what I am trying to say , is that we really do have an impact on the world around us - - even if we donPosted by I can 't believe today was the last day - - 8 years and 8 months of my life have officially come to an end . What 's next ? I have no idea ! These past few months have been a winding down of sorts for me . I didn 't expect to go through so many different emotions - - I honestly thought that relief and excitement would be my primary emotions . However , I 've run the emotional gamut - - at least twice . LOL ! ! ! It hasn 't really sunk in yet . There are a few loose ends to tie up - final franchise payment , final WCB stuff , and clean up . My Mom and I are going to go in tomorrow at 11 : 00am or so and start packing things up . I 'm donating everything left over to various charities . By the way , I had a fun time making shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child this year ! ! Hee - hee ! I even had to call our local distributor to get more shoe boxes to fill with toys I had left over ! : ) : ) It is so strange how life can seem to drag on in the same usual vein until change occurs , and then WHAMMO ! Suddenly you are on a different course . I was ready to shut the store down last November , but gave it one last go in an attempt to sell it . So , in one sense I had reconciled myself to the fact that I would not be living and breathing the dollar store industry any longer . But , as the final date drew closer , I started to stress , nag , nit - pick , and panic all at the same time . For a long time , a big part of my identity has been as a business owner . It doesn 't matter that I never saw the dollar store as part of me , everyone else did . And , that is the lens through which people interacted with me . I 'm heading into uncharted territory again , and am terrified yet exhilarated at the same time . Do I have a plan ? No . Do I have the slightest idea what I 'm going to do now ? No . Does this scare me ? Yes . Lessons learned , hopefully remembered ! Pulling the sign for the last time . . . My Mom acting like a little devil . . . Hee - hee ! ! ! ! It 's weird the stuff I had left over . . . Things I thought I would sell out of hung around , and things that I thought I would be stuck with sold . Go figure ! Posted by 4 days and counting ! ! ! ! November 21 is my last official day of business . All the shelving has been sold - - thanks Jenna for your tip about kijiji . It was through kijiji that I sold all my gondola shelving . A family from Edmonton drove down , disassembled all 81 units and took them away ! : ) : ) Walking into the store after all the shelving was removed was an odd experience . It was strangely reminiscent of the time when I first opened the store . All 8 years and 8 months ago . The store was completely empty and I was scrambling around assembling shelves , pricing and allocating products , and interviewing potential employees . None of which I had ever done before - - especially in the capacity as an employer . What a journey it 's been ! These past few weeks have been a time for reflection - - Realizing the lessons I 've learned from owning and operating a business as well as letting it sink in that this chapter of my life is coming to an end . I 've been asked by a few people ( who don 't know me that well ) if I am even a little sad . NO WAY ! ! ! You know that expression of a huge weight being lifted from your shoulders ? Well , it is bang on . I feel invigorated and excited . Energized and ready . It 's been such an experience . I could lie and blather on about all the good things that have come from the business , but I 'm no liar - - there 's been a mass of stress and discomfort that 's come out of it too . 9 / 11 took a huge bite out of my fledgling business , and the forest fire that evacuated our community in 2003 decimated it . It took me a full 2 years to pay off outstanding bills from that horrible summer of 2003 . I feel nauseous just remembering it . And , dollar stores attract the cheapest scum of the earth . I 've had people hem and haw at the counter trying to decide if the 3 for $ 1 . 00 seeds ( that are $ 1 . 99 a packet anywhere else ) are a good deal . I 've had a restaurant owner ask for a deal on 12 candles that sell for 4 for $ 1 . 00 ! ! ! A discount on three bucks ? ? My Mom said I should have asked him if I 'd get a discount if I ordered dessert after aPosted by This morning , I had an easy spin for 20 minutes on my bike and then did some core and stretching afterward . So , there I lay on my yoga mat , with Peanut circling me and rubbing up against various parts of my sweaty body . Swish , Peanut would rub against the back of my neck while I did a sit - up ; swish , she is now curled up underneath my legs and leaning against my bum as I am still doing sit ups . You can 't imagine the great swaths of orange cat hair I had to swipe off with a towel . NICE . LOL ! ! ! I 'm a little stiff from all the lying around and sleeping I 've been doing , so I got out my special red stretchy band . I looped it over the top my left foot , and then lay back on the mat and proceeded to flex my foot while making big and little circles with my leg , and other stretches . I was really enjoying myself - - I had my iPod on and was feeling great about stretching when all of a sudden . . . WHAP ! ! ! ! The stretchy band came off my foot and slapped me hard in the middle of my chest . It actually winded me - - I kid you not ! ! I let out an " OOOMMPH ! " and then felt like a total idiot . LOL ! ! ! ! I lay there prone , taken out by a red elastic band . Hahahahahahaha ! ! I finished with my stretching and then went to have a tub . It was only when I lay back in the bathtub that I noticed the huge raised , red welt that went across the middle of my chest . I started giggling - - I can 't believe how much of a dork I am ! ! ! LOL ! ! ! ! Sorry I 've been absent from the blogging world - - I 'm laying low right now with an annoying head cold . Annoying , because I am barred from working out by my Mikey and by my two buddies in merry England . As Jason would say , " If you keep working out , your heart will stop beating . " And yes , he really does have a friend who worked out when he was ill and his heart stopped beating ! ! Hahahahaha ! ! Speaking of my good friends in the UK . . . have I got a piece of news for all of you ! ! ! I recently acquired a second - hand Blue Seventy wetsuit . A barely used wetsuit . In fact , the wetsuit has only been worn twice - - once in a race and once in a photoshoot . Any guesses as to whose wetsuit I 'll be racing in next year ? Come on guys , think BIG . REALLY BIG ! ! BIGGER than BIG ! ! ! MUAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! ! I 'll HAVE to swim faster next year ! LOL ! ! ! ! ! ! A HUGE thank you and lots of hugs and kisses to my dear friend Cath . Do I ever owe you one ! ! ! ! :) :) : ) ( Oh yeah , and Jase , I didn 't forget you ! ! ) I am so lucky , lucky , lucky , lucky ; I am so lucky ! :) :) :) : ) After I workout I like to bathe . In a bathtub . I used to be a shower person , until I went on my little Nepal stint a few years ago . I endured such cold and hardship ( ok , not REAL hardship , LOL ! ) that I promised myself if I sucked it up and made it through the trip , I could have as many HOT baths as I wanted - - for the rest of my life . This particular thought occurred to me in the middle of a snowstorm at 18 000 feet while we were huddled up in tents . The temp went down to - 15 Celsius that night and I was soooooo flipping cold . Anyways , whining aside , there is no greater enjoyment than immersing myself in hot water . It feels so good it 's almost like I 'm doing something wrong - - you know that feeling ? Hahahaha ! ! After my bike workout yesterday , I stripped down and headed to the tub . Peanut usually sits on the edge and paws at the water and sometimes climbs on my back . Then I 'm yelling for Mike to come and get her off . Toby usually comes in the bathroom too - - but she likes to lick any renegade droplets of water that land on the edge of the tub . As you can guess , the bathroom door at my house is rarely closed . The only time it closes is when a guest is over . Even then , at least one cat and one dog will follow said guest and scratch at the door while the guest goes about his / her business . As I was relaxing in my tub yesterday , it suddenly occurred to me that I hang my swimsuit to dry by the crotch on the door handle of the bathroom . So the odd time when someone is over and has to use the loo , they have to touch my suit . . . Yep . I was feeling pretty relaxed in the tub and got to thinking about how long I could blow bubbles out of my nose with my face under the water . I bent my face into the water and exhaled , listening to the bubbles . I must have zoned out , because the next thing I heard was , " WHAT are you doing ? ? " Mike came into the bathroom and saw me sitting in the tub , with my upper body bent over my legs to get my face in the water . Shannon 's quip entered my head ( " You married it ! " ) , however , Mike and I are not techPosted by Workouts from my coach can be deceptive . . . Even though I write down each swimming workout on a little piece of paper to take with me to the pool , somehow the level of difficulty of each workout eludes me , until I enter the water . After I actually start the workout , I realize , " Oh shit . " Hahahahahaha ! ! One thing all swimming workouts have in common , however , are their uncanny ability to cause me to do a double - take . I have even taken off my goggles and stared at the piece of paper thinking to myself , " Did she make a typo ? I just did that set and and had a cool down - - I 'm supposed to repeat it ? " Or , " I have to do 2 sets ' hard , hard ? ' " Not just " hard , " but , " hard , hard ? " It 's not a typo . LOL ! ! ! ! Wednesday 's swim was going along very well , until I got to the big bits - - something along the lines of a bunch of sets of 200m . By the time I was done , I was ready to go to bed . My eyes had that sleepy , half - lidded look , I swear ! ! ! I couldn 't believe that I had finished the workout and had a big stupid grin on my face . : ) : ) Friday 's swim workout , however , scared the living daylights out of me . As usual , I was chugging along until I hit the typo - part of the workout . I stared , blinking at the piece of paper , thinking to myself how in the world am I going to do that ? After I accepted that there was no typo , I took a deep breath and went like stink ! Well , I didn 't exactly GIVE it that hard . Definitely not " hard , hard . " I just don 't have the physical strength to do justice to a " hard , hard " workout yet . I knew I had to ration my strength to even finish , and so many times while I was swimming , I wanted to quit . I was breathing so hard during those precious 20 seconds between sets . I would try and swim as hard as I could , but oh - - 100m is so far ! ! ! ! I was gasping for air , and as I swam , my legs were getting tingly from the exertion . And at the same time , it was so maddening , because I knew I wasn 't actually going " hard , hard ! " I was genuinely surprised when I finished the workout . Another big , stupid grin would have crept on my facePosted by Does anyone out there in the blogging world know where I could either borrow / rent / purchase a bike travel case ? I 'm flying to Arizona in February and am putting out the call now ! The lucky person who lends me their bike case will receive the following prizes : 1 . A weekend stay at my place - - you can use my pad as a base for skiing in Fernie or Castle Mountain , or whatever you choose to do ! 2 . My signature homemade lasagna and for dessert , my famous apple and cheese torte . 3 . Free snuggles from my two dogs and two cats . 4 . As much coffee as your heart desires ! : ) : ) : ) If anyone could help me out ( or know someone who could ) , I 'd love you forever and forever . Thanks guys ! ! : ) :) :) : ) So my schedule today called for a few sets of IM . In the words of my coach , " it doesn 't have to be pretty , " just try it . Now , the only swim stroke I actually KNOW how to do is freestyle - - and that is still a big work in progress . I only recently " learned " breast stroke and back stroke from my good friend , youtube . I have no idea if I 'm doing them correctly , but I manage to make my way from one end of the pool to the other without anyone laughing at me - - so I figure I must at least look like I know what I 'm doing . LOL ! ! But the butterfly has been something I have not tried at all . Frankly , it scares the hell out of me . Charmaine had me do the butterfly kick earlier this year , but it doesn 't look anything like it is supposed to ! Hahahaha ! ! I just kick with both legs and take a breath every once in a while . I have no idea what to do with my arms , so I just sort of take a freestyle stroke when I go to take a breath . Hey - - whatever works right ? :) : ) For the longest while , I would hump my way along the bottom of the pool . I was like a worm , wriggling my way underwater trying to get to the other side . Now , I manage to hump away at the surface ( which makes breathing a much easier enterprise ! ) Oh man , Chuck you are going to love this post - - it really does feel pervy thrusting away at the water , and not really getting anywhere . It 's these moments that only adult non - swimmers can truly appreciate . LOL ! ! By the way , the thrashing I did in the pool this morning WASN ' T pretty , but it sure felt like I was working hard ! ! Hahahaha ! ! ! So , before you know it , I 'll be swimming like Zohan . . . I 've laughed so hard over this vid clip , I 've cried . Posted by Those of you who know me , even a little , know how much I HATE crab apples . I mean REALLY HATE them . In fact , if there is a word stronger than hate , I 'd definitely apply it to them . Let me enlighten you all about the joyful experiences of owning crab apple trees and white carpets . The only good thing about these trees are the blossoms in the spring and the shade they provide in the summer . Apart from that - - the stinking mess they leave in the fall and winter is gross . ( If I slip up and start calling them cranberries , just ignore me - I do it all the time . ) From a crab apple virgin 's perspective , I often hear , " What 's the big deal ? Just pick them up when they fall down . " Ahhh , my little neophyte , you know so little about crab apples . You see , you only have a limited amount of time to pick the crab apples , and a limited reach . ( I don 't own scaffolding , so I can only reach as high as the top rung of my ladder . ) The goal is to pick as many apples as possible BEFORE the first frost otherwise it 's game over . And every year , it 's game over . There is no way to win . The first frost hits and the apples turn to instant mush . They will fall from the trees and lie there on the ground looking deceptively solid . . . until you bend to pick one up . Instant disintegration ! All over your hands and shoes . The worst is getting nailed by falling crab apple bombs . With the winds being what they are here , you never know when a 100km / hour blast is going to strike just when you are trying to navigate the walkway to your car to go to work . SPLAT ! ! ! Cranberries on my shoulder , my face , and yes even on my head - - then turn around and head inside for ANOTHER clothes change . And the dogs ! ! ! They like to go and lie down in the front yard , hence their rears are covered in sticky crab apple mush . They get nailed from the apple bombs too - - I have to continually wipe their faces and ears . Plus , I am the idiot that INSISTED on white carpets when we moved in ! ! ! ! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! Every year , the saga continues . . . One year , Mike bought some rolls oPosted by I 've been fortunate enough ( so far ) to have been able to do all my bike workouts outside still . I want to delay the long , long days of trainer riding as much as I can - - so my trusty steed ( y ' all remember Crash right ? ) and I have had some fine autumn days together . Oh - - and Susi - - - you 'd be so proud of me ! My courage has blossomed in regards to my mountain biking skills . Granted , I am still not technically on a real trail , but my confidence is at the point now , where I am excited about venturing off the well - beaten logging road . Heh - heh - heh ! That said , I had a helluva bike ride on Saturday morning . I should have known something was wrong when 35 minutes into it , my Camel - bak froze . No amount of gumming the nozzle would coax out even a droplet , but still I pushed on . My ride was to last 2 hours with overgear work during the second hour . Now , as all roads in the Crowsnest Pass lead up , I thought I 'd bike for about 1 . 5 hours up and then sail back down and home . Things were going great - - I was really enjoying myself out there . The dirt road I ride on is a wicked steady climb ( starting in Blairmore ) , followed by a long descent that flattens out in the bottom of a valley . I turn around before this point , however . The road eventually curves back and climbs steadily back to Hillcrest . I think it is a 50km or so loop , that I would like to do in its entirety next year - - gorgeous ! Anyways , things literally went downhill when I turned around . The wind was against me and it was so frigging cold , I couldn 't believe it . My fingers and feet quickly froze . I had a really hard time trying to change gears on my bike , and I could feel my core was getting cold . I had layered up with wool and a wind blocking jacket , but my cheap sports bra / tank top was soaking wet and retained all the moisture . I went as fast as I could go - - but I knew I was getting to be in bad shape when I felt my face scrunch up and start to cry . It was so weird - - it 's like my mind was separate from my body . I was thinking to myself , why in the hell is my facePosted by My sister and her hubby are coming tonight all the way from Melfort , Saskatchewan . Both are radio announcers - - Scott for the am side , Karen for the fm side . Actually , my sister just received a promotion and is now off the air and in charge of all other kinds of things . I 'm so excited to see them - - with the store , I 've only been up to see her 3 times . Now that is all going to change ! ! ! ! : ) : ) My Mom has bought the turkey and has gathered all the ingredients to make her famous stuffing . YUM ! ! Which reminds me , instead of coming across the ' fraidy cows on my mountain bike ride , I came across a herd ( a cluck ? , a group ? , a what ? LOL ! ) of wild turkeys . Training is going awesome ! I 've been easing back into things - - I 've never been one to consistently log my total meters of swimming , or total hours of training . Fortunately , Sara does it for me . Hee - hee ! ! Last week I logged a total of 7 . 3 hours , this week will be 7 . 8 hours . I peeked ahead at next week 's schedule and see my first brick is nestled in there ! WHEEEE ! Can 't wait ! : ) : ) Fridays have been officially dubbed ( by me ) as Spit - up Day . Those familiar with Keith and his retaste zone will understand immediately what I am referring to . You will get it too , Cath ! I 've warned my fellow morning swimmers , that " Swim until you puke " is my new Friday workout - - and to not try talking to me as I try and catch my breath in the fleeting 30 seconds of rest . Last Friday , I was so tired during the workout , and honing in on the retaste zone , that I had to burp . I looked over at Larry , a fellow self - taught youtube flip - turner , and said , " This is how it starts . " Hahahahahaha ! ! I have been taking full advantage of the weather too - - I 've been mountain biking to my heart 's content . Last Saturday I had a two hour ride with overgear work and it was sooooo beautiful . There were PUDDLES of yellow leaves scattered about the dirt road - - the loamy smells , the crisp air , the scenery - - WOW ! I am so lucky to live here ! ! ! ! The positive feeling lasted all the way through the miserable rain storm oPosted by Whew ! What a week ! With my store closing down , I 've been crazy busy . Everything is 40 % off and the sales have been NUTS . I 've also been selling various racks , displays , and shelving - - Jenna was the one who discovered I actually made another blog to help sell my shelving . Hee - hee ! Things are moving along a lot more quickly then I expected - - we might be able to get out of there sometime in October if all goes well . My lease ends Nov . 30 , and I already have the rent covered - - but the way things are clearing out of the store - - an October end date is possible . Yesterday , I sold ALL 51 feet of Ikea wooden shelving that fronts the store . AWESOME ! ! ! ! Apart from training , which I will quickly touch on in a moment , a number of other random events are listed to entertain you . . . 1 . I got SOOOO excited watching the leader 's debate . I was up off the couch cheering and yelling . I still can 't believe I derived quite that much enjoyment from watching it ! LOL ! I am officially an OLD FART ! ! ! ! The highlights of the night ( for me ) were : * Gilles Duceppe 's quip about how he wasn 't going to win the election and three others aren 't either - - they just don 't know it yet ! HAHAHAHAHA ! ! * Harper 's smackdown of Dion in the first few seconds of the English debate . * Dion giving the WRONG website address to his party 's green shift policy . For those of you who have not heard about this debacle . . . here goes . Green Shift is an established and trademarked company in existence long before the Liberal Party formulated their policy . The woman who runs the company has received legal threats and innuendo from various Liberal party members urging her to abandon her company 's name and threatening legal action . She cited instance after instance of Liberal newspaper ads , radio ads , and the like all erroneously citing HER site as the site to go to to learn more information about their policy . A gong show ! ! ! LOVE IT ! ! ! 2 . I got a new hair dude - - a darker Julie has emerged for the fall season . heh - heh - heh . At the salon , my hairdresser told me of a prank she plaPosted by I 've officially started triathlon training again - - and what a swim workout I had this morning ! I had a bunch of sprint kicking and a couple of sets of hard / easy swimming . I thought Charmaine was the only person who could make me sprout another lung - - guess I was wrong ! Hee - hee ! ! ! Yesterday , I went for another mountain bike ride up my favourite climb . Holy Cow . Literally . The cows up there are strange . . . ' fraidy cows actually . As soon as they see me , they start stampeding in panic away from me . Not all of them , but most of them . You can see the panic spread from one to another as they run . And can those suckers ever run ! ! Have you ever seen how fast a cow can move ? You 'd be quite surprised ! I 've ran and biked by plenty of cows in my time , and I 've never experienced the sheer terror of The Cows of Frank . The first time it happened , I thought it was an anomaly . Two black cows ( a Momma and a kiddie ) took a glance over their shoulders and started running . They quickly picked up the pace and kept glancing over at me . Then - - all hell broke loose ! The two cows made a dash for the bush - - but had to get through a barbed wire fence first . One cow made it , the other cow got stuck . My God , that cow was flailing around in that fence like I was the Grim Reaper himself . Finally , the cow broke free and I heard a loud PING ! A big metal hook that secured the fence to a post popped up through the air as I watched it fly in front of me and land over to my right . OK - - So I learned that the cows up there were especially afraid . In the past couple of weeks , I 've tried all manner of ways to calm them down . I start talking to them in a calm and assertive voice . I slow right down and talk calmly at them . For the most part , I think they are starting to get used to me . But I still run into the odd ' fraidy cow that takes ones look at me and bolts . And these suckers don 't bolt in a logical way . I 've had a couple of close calls when a cow decided to run right into my path instead of away from me . . . Geesh ! What are the mountain biking skills Posted by I 'd like to introduce all of you to my new coach , Sara Gross ! I just received my first three weeks of workouts - - I officially begin Monday , September 29 . YIPPPEEEE ! ! I am so pumped to start training ! ! ! Can 't wait . . . : ) :) :) :) : ) I had a neat surprise last week . . . I woke up one morning and felt fully rested . The Ironman fatigue was completely gone and I felt like my old self again . YAY ! ! I 've started swimming again and have been mountain biking up this monster set of hills right behind my house . My love / hat relationship with my mountain bike 's clipless pedals has somewhat dissipated ; however , the fear lingers on . The fear of what you ask ? The fear of tipping over and not being able to unclip in time . I HATE THIS ! ! ! There is one section of the steady climb that has a particularly steep pitch . The dirt road is also very rough here - - very rocky and streams of gravel . It is all I can do to keep my bike pointed in a straight line going up the hill - - you have to pick your path oh so carefully and then pedal your butt off . If I slow down even for a minute , it 's like trying to balance on a stopped bike in the middle of a hill . I 've discovered that I can 't be in too easy a gear or else I 'll be going too slow up the hill , and risk falling and getting my legs chewed up . I also learned a new trick from Charmaine . When going down a really steep road , you stand up , squeeze the seat with your inner thighs , and hang your bum over the rear tire . It really stabilizes you ! She had me practice this first on a flat portion of road . I would stand up and lean toward my handlebars , then contrast that feeling with leaning backwards . What a difference ! Leaning towards the front makes you very unstable - - the bike wants to veer all over the place . So , after I reached the top of my " hill , " I tested this out , and it worked ! ! Hee - hee ! I am still not at all comfortable biking on single track , hilly , rooty , and rocky trails . I might drive you mountain bike purists crazy , but if I am biking on a road or trail where I can 't ride my road bike - - that is mountain biking to me ! : ) : ) The real fear stems from the fact I can 't unclip as easily as from my road bike . There is no worse feeling than trying to unclip , and your foot is LOCKED in tight . I just about have a panic attack , Posted by For a long time , Mike has had a secret goal . . . to somehow get me excited about a video game / computer game . Nothing has worked . I don 't like computer games . I don 't like Star Wars , Age of Civilization , World of Warcraft , Battleships ( oops , I mean Battlefield ) , or the latest , Conan . I hear him talking to his online buddies about " leveling up , " and getting a green gem or whatever , and I just shake my head . I had my fling with video games back in the day of Atari and my Mom was the pinball queen . Well , all that changed a couple of days ago when Mike set up the new Wii system . It was so much fun ! I was initially skeptical but played along when Mike asked me to box with him . The first round , was sort of a learning match , and then the next round I KO 'd him ! ! AND the next one ! Hee - hee ! That was it , I was hooked , and on fire ! We proceeded to play bowling , tennis ( I can 't hit the ball if my life depended on it ) , golf , and baseball . There are training options within each sport that enables you to work out by yourself - - these are my favourites . For example , there is one boxing option where you see how many bags you can knock off the chain in a minute . FRIG ! ! It was so awesome - - I was punching the air like a maniac and panting up a astorm . I punched that bag until my arms nearly fell off - - - and then I had to do it again ! ! Hahahaha ! ! I made my Mom come over the other night so she could try it out . She was sooooo reluctant to come over , because her interest in computer games is even less than mine . Well 3 . 5 HOURS later we were still bowling and laughing our heads off . We were so loud that Mike had to take his headset off while he was playing Conan to ask us to quiet down . Of course , you can guess how well that went over . We upped the catcalling , and booing , and cheering . Poor Mike ! Hee - hee ! ! Yesterday , my Dad came over and played a round of golf and a game of bowling . Later that afternoon , he went to Wally 's world and bought a Wii for him and my Mom ! ! HAhahahahahaha ! ! Onto triathlon news . . . . Went on another mountain bike ride foPosted by While I am not back into training by any stretch of the imagination , I did haul my sorry butt off the couch to go for a 20 km mountain bike ride on Thursday . A very easy ride . Where most of the cycling was done on paved roads . : ) I was pooped by the end but my lungs and body felt great . It was like they were thanking me : " Thanks , Julie ! We were feeling so gross , now we 're feeling awesome ! " In keeping with my new - found pep , I decided to attempt a 30 minute run yesterday . I took my dogs out , and started off feeling great . I was feeling awesome , and made it to this one point that has traditionally taken me 10 minutes to get to . Yesterday , I was just going easy and it took me 7 . 5 minutes . I looked at my watch and thought , " WOW ! I feel great ! Maybe I 'll just go a little further . . . " I should have turned around at 15 minutes , but the weather was beautiful , the babies were having a blast , and I just felt so darn great . I kept running . Very soon , I was at the half - way point of my 8 km loop . It was shortly after this that I hit the wall for the first time in my life . At exactly 26 minutes , I couldn 't run at all anymore . I was POOPED ! ! Hahahahaha ! So , I had a nice long walk back . Plenty of time to think about just how tired I was . : ) : ) I might be pooped from barely any exertion , but I am definitely back ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! WHOOOO ! ! ! WHOOOOOOOO ! ! ! : ) :) :) :) : ) : ) What a day - - or should I say what a swim ! ! Hahahahaha ! ! I had a remarkable swim this year . I took off almost 10 minutes off last year 's time ! Hee - hee ! I still can 't believe it . My friends and family who were following my journey via the internet couldn 't believe it either . Charmaine told me , " I thought they must have made a mistake ! " Hahahahah ! ! Last year , my swim time was 1 : 21 : 15 . This year , it was 1 : 11 : 51 . You have no idea how funny I think this is ! ! As for the rest of the race , I was not happy with my bike split - - it 's actually gotten slower every year , and this year was the slowest . My very first IMC was my fastest bike split , so I don 't know what is going on there . My first IM bike time was 6 : 45 : 29 , this year 's was a snail 's pace of 7 : 11 : 26 . THAT is changing next year . My run was better - - last year was 5 : 09 : 45 , this year was 4 : 58 : 17 - - but I KNOW I can do much better than this too . So , look out next year ! :) : ) : ) I really suffered during the last half of the marathon . I began to pee at every aid station , and started getting dizzy and woozy . I became really scared - - terrified actually , because I knew how I could end up if I continued on that way . I did not want a repeat of IMC 2006 , and almost started crying I was so worried . I stopped drinking water altogether and forced myself to take in Gatorade , chicken soup ( at the aid stations which hadn 't run out ) , bananas , and orange slices . My condition grew progressively worse and I was terrified beyond belief . But , somewhere along the way , I started to feel a teensy bit better . I still was peeing much too much , but not as much as before . By this point , the pain in every single muscle of my legs and the blister on my right foot proved more of a distraction than my wooziness . It was so unbelievably hard to start running again after I would stop to eat and drink . I kept thinking to myself , " Why the hell am I doing this ? I really don 't need to do this to my body anymore . This is my last year of Ironman . I don 't have anything to prove ! " Of course , this feeling lasts oPosted by This weekend I broke out the tambourine , bells , and pompoms for some serious cheering . Friday , the Trans Rockies came through the Pass . The event lasts seven days and covers over 600 km of rugged mountain terrain . Competitors come from all over the world to participate - - it was so awesome to cheer them on . Charmaine , her hubby , and I would like to do this race , but it 's a little close to IMC - - hmmm . . . but you never know right ? LOL ! ! Yesterday , I drove up to Fort Macleod to cheer my friend Trudy in her first ever triathlon ! ! I went absolutely bananas ! ! ! The Trans Rockies was cool , but triathlon is MY sport and I yelled and hollered for every competitor . I was in full - on Ironman cheering mode , and I can honestly say , I don 't think Fort Macleod has ever seen the likes of it ! ! HAHAHAHAHA ! ! ! Trudy did so awesome and she even SPRINTED like an Olympian to the finish line ! ! ! She was running so fast , I doubled over in laughter - - it was so cute to see that final kick ! ! I 'm taking a break from the blogging world until after IMC . . . I have a lot of stuff to get together so I 'm going to say my good - byes and good lucks now . . . Kelsey - - I 'll see you there , and for heaven 's sake , remember to put something on underneath your wetsuit ! LOL ! ! ! Jenna - Pack up a big suitcase of smiles and laughter - - you are going to love it ! : ) : ) Darryl - You are so ready for this race - - I am really excited for you ! ! See ya later , when it 's all said and done ! ! ! ! :) :) : ) I just finished watching a CBC interview of Canadian fencer Sherraine Schalm and was motivated and impressed by her passion and values . After an emotional outburst after losing her fencing match , the media ( Canadian media ) pounced all over her like she committed some terrible crime . I find her dedication to sport and her unabashed honesty exhilarating and am proud that she is Canadian . Finally , here is a strong female athlete who is unafraid to say exactly what she thinks , and is just as quick to apologize and learn from her mistakes . I am doubly proud of her ! When I watched her reaction at the end of the fencing match , my first reaction was : " YES ! Finally a female athlete with some fire ! " She gave it all she had , and in the antagonistic interview on CBC , she didn 't back down . I loved how when the interviewer introduced her by saying she was unable to win an Olympic medal for Canada " yet again , " she interrupted him and repeated sarcastically " yet again . " The interviewer is the one who needs etiquette lessons . Near the end of the interview , the interviewer again blundered into the realm of rudeness when he asked why after all her world cup wins , her efforts have not translated into a medal . I LOVED her response . . . She asked him , ( my paraphrase here ) " I don 't know if you know what it 's like to be an Olympic athlete , but every girl here has the potential to win gold . And all 32 girls are asking themselves what they could have done differently . " Right back at you sucker ! Ha ! I am disgusted at this interviewer 's tactics - - considering she is one of our athletes . For that matter , I am disgusted with the CBC 's habit of chasing the ambulance so to speak and asking athletes right after they have given it their all - " Why didn 't you do better ? How do you feel knowing that your personal best wasn 't good enough ? " How do you think they feel ? Like shit . I am so proud that Sherraine is such a fireball ! Congratulations on your performance , Sherraine - - you are a true Olympian ! ! Every morning , as soon as I wake up , my animals expect me to follow a precise routine . The dogs especially let me know about it if I do anything wrong - - perhaps because they benefit the most . I 'm one of those pet owners who makes sure the food bowls are brimming with food all the time . I don 't pre - measure the food , nor do I only feed at a certain time . However , every morning , as soon as I get up , Diva and Toby herd me to their food bowls . First stop is : " Breakfast Nuggets ! " I try to liven up their canine palates , after all , it must be so boring to eat the same food every single day ! So , I put in 5 big chunks of a dental food - - I have to scatter it around in their individual bowls too , because they like to root through the smaller dog food and find surprises ! Sometimes , there are slight deviations to this routine - - the main one being that Toby has to go pee before she gets her nuggets . At these times , I have to watch , because Diva will slink over to Toby 's bowl and polish off her share . Heh - heh - heh ! Next stop , is " First Medicine " ( " Second Medicine " occurs in the evening - - heh - heh ! ) . I have to time this right - - sometimes I go down and clean the kitty litter while they are eating their nuggets . But I have to be quick , otherwise Diva starts barking at me to hurry up . I 'll scoot up the stairs where they crowd around me for their respective thyroid pills wrapped in pieces of processed cheese . The timing of the medicine is key - - I have to make sure I give them their medicine at the same time - - exactly . Diva will eat anything , wrapped in cheese or not , but Toby is a finicky little squirt . She spits things out . So , when she sees Diva getting a morsel , she gets jealous , forgets her finickiness and wolfs it down too . Then , they each get a milk bone . Afterwards , when I plunk down in front of the computer and start to blog , the Majestic Nut graces me with her furry presence . She jumps on the desk and walks back and forth in front of me . She paces directly between the keyboard and my body - - this is my que to bend forwardPosted by As I sit on the couch tapering and eating a fudgesicle , I am in all my glory watching the Olympics . Hee - hee ! Watching Phelps win another gold last night was awesome ! ! I did manage to go for a lake swim yesterday morning however . But it was freezing cold ! What happened to summer ? There 's already been frost up at Mike 's Mom 's horse camp - - brrrrrr ! When I drove down to the lake , I could see the wind had turned the usually placid water into a choppy surface . I dallied a bit at my car . Should I go for a swim , or should I just head to the pool instead ? It 's frigging cold ! I bucked up and decided to just give it a go . I stood there shivering in my bathing suit as I quickly got my wetsuit on . There were a few campers about in case I needed help zipping up my suit , but I managed to do it on my own . As I walked to the water , my eyes were glued to the waves . Now , I know it isn 't anywhere near as wavy as REAL lakes , but they were short and choppy enough for this rookie ! My first step into the water confirmed it - - it WAS cold . Oh well - - nothing like swimming like a mad fool to get warmed up . There was a guy fishing just to the right of me - - he was bundled up pretty good and looked like he was enjoying a beer . I heard him ask , " It 's cold out today , eh ? " as I stood waist deep in the water . I was surprised I even heard him as I had my silicon ear - balls in , but I yelled back cheerfully , " OH YEAH ! ! " I swam back and forth across the lake like I usually do , until I noticed a few kids had set up a fishing station in between my lake crossings . The waves would crash over me and I got a good few mouthfuls of water before I finally decided to breathe on just one side . This didn 't last long , though - - I just had to try and see if I could roll more to the wavy side to learn how to swim in the waves . Now , Cath - - if you are reading this , you would laugh if you saw what I call waves - - compared to your race that was changed to a duathlon due to the magnificent wave action . . . but like I said earlier , it was challenging enough for me ! ! : ) : ) IPosted by Many of you have heard about my friends from the UK - - Cath and Jason . They will be moving to Canada for good next spring and I can 't wait ! Cath has set herself some very big goals for this year - - to pre - qualify for the World Championships in Australia next year . She 's been dashing off around the UK racing and getting points - - and making HUGE strides in her tri times . Forgive my excitement - - I can barely type - - but on Sunday , Cath raced at Worthing and had an awesome 10km split ! ! ! The weather was terrible - - so terrible that the swim was canceled and the race changed into a duathlon at the last minute . Now , according to Cath , her run is her weakest . She is a very strong swimmer , and to give you an idea of how much she dreaded the run - - as she was looking at the waves crashing into shore , she thought to herself , " I could still swim in that . " Hahahahaha ! ! She had to run 2 . 5km , then bike , and then run 10km . The wind was ferocious and relentless , but Cath ended the race by running a 47 minute 10km ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Congratulations Cath ! ! You are a ROCK STAR ! ! You dealt with the worst mother nature could dish out and still came in third for your age group ! ! ! May all your dreams come true , Cath ! ! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! When I first received this issue of Time , my first instinct was to rush and put this on my blog ! Alas - - I ran out of time , misplaced the magazine , etc . But now . . . WOWSER ! ! ! She won silver ! ! First swimmer ( male or female ) over 40 years old to win an Olympic medal ! ! ! ! Man , she is ripped ! Congratulations , Dara Torres ! ! I loved watching the videos of Michael Phelps swimming . Unfortunately , the streaming video on CBC does not actually stream , so I have been forced to watch the recaps - - I 've only seen Phelps win the final heat , but haven 't yet seen his first gold - medal performance . I went to bed , visualizing myself with the same superb form and gracefulness in the water . AIIIEEEE ! ! I love watching the Olympics ! ! ! ! Oh yeah girls , you know what I 'm talking about - - there are fat mirrors and then there are skinny mirrors . At the local weight club , the mirrored walls contain both kinds . I 'll be working out and feeling great when I look into the skinny mirror . Then I 'll walk around the corner to come face - to face with a fat mirror . Suddenly the elation dissipates . . . heh - heh ! The best skinny mirror in the world is at a gas station at the east end of Bellevue . Every time I need to stop and fill up my water bottles there , I get a thrill of excitement looking at a skinny - mirror me ! Hahahahaah ! Today was one such day . Reflections are jarringly stretched out - - my image reminded of the actors in the old VHS movies my parents have . The quality was so poor on those recorded tapes that all the people looked 9 feet tall with skinny heads . LOL ! Today was the first time I wore my heart rate monitor - - I figure I better get one ride in at least before IMC since I am going to use it . Hee - hee ! After two cups of coffee , my heart rate was still at 66 - - I 'm thinking this is a big improvement ? Frig , if I didn 't have that coffee , I might not have had a beating heart at all ! ! LOL ! ! The taper monster and me have finally made friends - - dare I say I am actually starting to feel . . . rested ? : ) :) :) : )

I haven 't seen the moon in nights . There is just the grey phosphorescent hole in the billowing darkness where it should be . Where it was . Where it used to be , 1 . 3 seconds ago . The mind crumbles at such perpetual vagueness . Rain makes life less distinct , yet gives certain emotions distinction . Funny , that . We are born into the doom of distractions . . Not much time to write today . We will strike out on an adventure of some sort . It 's raining and will be raining all day today . Seems unlikely that we will be able to drive far enough to escape it . But with my only day off I refuse to sit in the apartment all day and just watch it through the windows . That 's what I 've been doing far too much of lately . The rain here is not like the rain in New York at all . Here it is a season . There it is an event , with one rain being separated from another by dryness , clearness of sky . I should have known . It is a valley system and the entire bay area unique in its odd climate regions and changes . It makes sense that there would be both microclimate diversity and seasonal patterns , considering the proximity to the coast and the range in elevation , the many valleys , mountain lines and inland waters . But it didn 't really occur to me until living here . None of it did . I have lived too long in the city , where there are only 4 seasons , and occasional gifts of weather peppered here and there . Before moving to Sonoma valley I was reading about the place and discovered that it gets about 30 " of rain each year . I forgot all about this once I got here and it was just endless slices of sunshine , days of heaven . All 30 " have dropped in the last 3 weeks , it seems . On part of the road driving out of the valley , up towards the bay , there is a fenced off section that has filled with rain water . I had noticed it before but assumed it was for a certain type of corralling , for the cows . Branding , slaughtering , castrating , or something less dramatic , I told myself . Not until the perpetual rains , with the fenced area filling to form a new lake , had it dawned on me that it was put up as an understood yearly estimate of the rain 's reach . They predicted well , the newly formed lake comes right to the edge of the fence now . If the rain stops soon , as everybody claims that it will , then the cows will be prepared to make their delicious transition from cattle to livestock . I witnessed a strange migration of sorts yesterday on my drive towards the peninsula . There was an entire herd of black cows all walking due west . There were no herders there , or dogs , or anything at all that I could see that had caused it , or was causing it . Just one massive bovine exodus , headed for the other side of the field . Maybe a snake spooked a few of them and the movement took hold based on fear , instinct and partial knowledge - like the Tea Party . Posted by I should preface all that I 'm writing today with the disclaimer that I get easily annoyed at people paying attention to their phones at the expense of others , whether this is at a dinner table , or a bar , or driving , or crossing the street , or anything else . I wouldn 't go so far as to say it is quite a pet - peeve of mine , but I find it selfish and irritating that people are willing to waste your time by inconveniencing you in this way , either by being distracted or by sending you the subtle message that you simply don 't matter as much to them as the Angry Birds app , etc . It 's a similar feeling produced by people who are habitually late . It sends a message , and the message is clear . As I get older I recognize that lots of people look down as they 're walking , even when they 're not looking at the their phones . When I was young I would often hear people telling me to " look up " when I walked . I wasn 't aware that I was doing it , but clearly I was . I recognize that now . So yesterday , as I was walking to get a coffee at the beginning of my day , I was crossing the " street " that surrounds the mall . As always , I looked both ways and saw a small blue car coming from one direction , possibly a Toyota Corolla . I had plenty of time to cross , so I did . I cut directly across the two lanes of mall " street " towards the sidewalk on the other side . I checked the phone that was already in my hand to see if Rachel had texted while I was in the car . As I put my foot up , just as I hit the the curb on the other side , I noticed the car that had been coming had already made it almost to me and was coming to a somewhat abrupt stop . Though not quite slamming on the brakes there was definitely a feeling that the car required some attention . I glanced up and there was a woman in the car with both of her hands outstretched , palms facing emphatically upwards , giving me the , " What the hell ? " gesture and look . I returned the same to her . She rolled her window down . " I 've already crossed it , actually . Did you speed up , only so that you could slow down , just to tell me that in some sort of sign - language through your windshield ? That was very kind of you , but I won 't be need any ' life - coach ' services today . Also , you should always keep your hands at 10 and 2 . It 's a really poor driving habit to take both hands off of the wheel , especially when you 're accelerating or decelerating . " " So , were you mad that you had to slow down for me ? That you were forced to comply to a law and that I didn 't bow to your doing so with grateful acknowledgement ? You really should have hit me , you almost had the chance . If you would have just sped up a little bit more you might have been able to clip me before I made it all the way to the curb . I mean , I WAS looking at my phone , nobody would have cared , certainly nobody would have blamed you for it . You are the victim here . " At this point I thought for sure she was going to try to make a " citizens arrest . " It would not have surprised me at all if she had a trunk filled with an arsenal of mace , handguns , field artillery , restraining devices , whips , candles , dildos , who knows . She was clearly somebody that was used to having control over those around her . She was trying to nag me into compliance . Before she could mount a disciplined response to my latest suggestion , that she should have hit me , I decided to defuse the situation . " Well , it looks like everybody survived here . There 's probably no need to call the police , unless you want to file a report ? " " Oh , I am going to report you , don 't worry , asshole . " " What 's the penalty for crossing the street here ? I just got out of prison and wouldn 't want to have to report this to my parole officer . She 's a real nasty fucking cunt . It 'd be great if we could keep this . . . . " I wouldn 't have been able to hear her response . She " chirped " the wheels pulling away . It almost scared me , that a Corolla could even do that . I was still somewhat at a distance from any type of coverage that might have been able to stop a car . I thought she might just be pulling forward to build up speed to take me up on my offer , to run me down like a mutt . I envisioned myself sprinting , crazed through the outdoor mall , trying to escape a demented driver that clearly had had enough , and finally decided it was time to take action . No more waiting , no more trying , no more talking . I didn 't wait to find out . I never wanted to discover if I was going to live or die based on my ability to sprint . I 've tried to avoid that test . I took quick notice of any distant concrete structure that could serve as a shelter . There was a Macy 's and a Nordstrom 's , both equal distances . I walked swiftly towards Starbucks to get a morning coffee . It did occur to me that with my shaved head and somewhat intense demeanor that I might look like a skinhead , to some . I wondered what it felt like to be shot from a distance by a police marksmen 's rifle . I emptied my head of all other thoughts as I got my coffee , then I kept a steady pace towards the time clock . After all , nobody likes to be late for work . Another day spent driving through paradise . Working any schedule has its own peculiarities to it . But working a schedule that changes all of the time , without any consistency from week to week , brings with it a unique character unlike what I imagine the doldrums of a set schedule must be like . To wit , last night I worked late , today I work early . Even though there are the same amount of hours worked both days , and an equal amount to my counterpart who works a set schedule , it feels very different . It feels as if I 've been robbed out of some time this morning , time that I 'll never psychologically recover , even though I will have more free hours after work tonight , ostensibly to do so . Just as only working five days a week , but having your two days off spread out from one another so that the months cycle by as if there were only perpetual attendance at work , is very different from having two days off each week , preferably Saturday and Sunday . Unless you 've never worked a randomly rotating schedule you can 't possibly know what it is like . It feels like being trapped in a clothes dryer that occasionally stops , hiccups , then starts back up again , only to stop 3 or 1 or 2 or 4 days later , only to start back up again the following day . But you never really get the feeling that you 've been able to leave the clothes dryer , only that it has stopped for a moment and the motion sickness will briefly subside . It 's like I 'm stuck on a carousel of labor with the crazy carnival music blaring , the painted faces advancing and receding in a nightmarish delirium of sensibly timed and moderate income . That last sentence finished itself . I don 't even know where those words came from . It 's as if the mighty holy majestic astral workforce spirit was channeling me , and I merely its humble daily vessel . . . Once completed , it felt as if my soul had commuted back from a great ways away . I was in a strange faraway reflective place where all of my efforts to help others were greeted with jeers . So , I finally get the " sleeping like a baby " cliche . They can sleep anywhere , in the face of all your plans , unexpectedly , with little regard to either noise or motion , and there 's nothing you can do about it . Well , nothing that you will do about it . Yesterday we sat in the car , in a supermarket parking lot , then drove around aimlessly , all to let the boy sleep where he was , in his car seat . It was yet another rainy day , as is today , so far . What else were we going to do ? The little guy is really starting to like us . He seems so happy to meet our eyes , to be near us , to hear our voices . For the first two months he was somewhat oblivious . I thought that maybe he was just being dismissive of me . It turns out that this is all quite normal . All babies are contemptuous of their parents . It 's science . I joke , of course . But it 's a partial truth . The first couple months we were lucky to have his eyes meet ours and even when they did there seemed to be no spark of recognition . That 's all changed now . He seems to love nothing more than looking at , and being talked to , by myself and Rachel . He even mimicked me yesterday , though that very well might have been entirely coincidental . I said , " Hi ! " to him and he echoed the sound back to me . I 'm certain it was just chance and he seems far too young to actually be trying to mimic sounds yet , but Rachel and I didn 't care . We were swooning with love for him . It 's really amazing , the feeling of connection that 's developing . To see the recognition of us in his eyes is staggeringly wonderful . Ha ! Coincidentally , I just got a call from Selavy . He was reminding me that my life is not my own any longer , and nobody will want me to express anything but love for the child and the wife on this site any more . There will be no room left on here for me . Expressing anything - individual , unique or worse , unpleasant - about myself will be increasingly discouraged . In time I will only be recounting how happy I am to be going to work . He assures me of this . Not that I will actually be happy about going to work , but it will exclusively become the thing that people will allow me to write about , job happiness and security . Just as I was going to begin the third paragraph of this post the call came in . I was going to write about how much I resent going to work , not because I hate the job , but because I want to spend more time with the boy , and with Rachel . I rarely get two days off consecutively any more , so each day exists under the pressure to make the most of it , in whatever way I can . Whether I succeed or fail matters very little , work returns the next day and I am off and running again into it . Always running to or from it . Ah , to enjoy the daily glow of love . . . I just went and took Rhys out of Rachel 's arms and held him . Moving him around one too many times , attempting to find the best way to hold him , he started to cry . I tried to console him but it was no use . He began to howl in spasmodic bursts . A sort of infant wailing , punctuated by convulsions of dissatisfaction . Only titty was going to get us out of this one . Titties take the tears away . We notice that some of what Rachel eats makes its way through the breast milk to Rhys and upsets his stomach . So I 'm trying to convince Rachel to only ingest baby formula but she 's not as warm to the idea as I am . I have come to view her body as a wonderful opportunity in child - raising experimentation , a living and breathing lab from which I can safely test , and take note of the various results . She is much more tempered in her curiosity of such things . She is the Felix Unger to my Oscar Madison when it comes to how the child will be fed , fastidious in her daily approach to nursing . It is a wonderful thing to witness though , the calming therapeutic effect of titty time . . Posted by I already miss Newt Gingrich . Things were really starting to be a lot of good old - fashioned political fun there for a while . But now Santorum and Romney are just acting like a couple of over - sped Jesus freaks . One self - admitted , one closeted . I mean , they say and do all of the same stupid stuff , but it doesn 't have as much panache as when Newt does it , or says it . Or , when he grins and grimaces it , tilting at sawmills , rippling his mighty jowls at poverty . He gives us a beady - eyed glimpse into the future , with one soft rounded fang clamped onto the grizzled leg of the past . He is a true student of the modern political form . So pulpy and muddled and round - headed that it 's almost hard to believe that he descended from even larger mistakes . Santorum would propose colonizing the moon too , if he thought it might help his chances . But then you just know at some tent rally he 'd screech that , " Once in office we 'll colonize the moon with all of the jobless homosexuals . . . " Then , suddenly it just wouldn 't be fun any more . He 's that guy . He sucks all the fun out of the room if you let him talk for too long . Poor Romney probably thinks that we already have colonized the moon . I 'm sure it ties into Joseph Smith 's legacy somehow . Yep , I just looked it up . Smith claimed that the moon was inhabited , the same as earth , and that he would one day preach his gospel there too . Amazing . Very soon John Kerry and Mitt Romney will have lots to nod silently together about , and then buy up the future together , with Nancy Pelosi as their realtor , à la Annette Bening in " American Beauty . " I will sell this country today . . . They 're not done , they 're just all done with us . Who knows for sure . . . . I only know that I was laughing a lot more when Newt was still visible in the political spectrum . It was like watching an albino lunar eclipse every night on tv . . . It was really special when synchronized with Pink Floyd 's , Dark Side of the Newt . You 'd see it coming , the moon would turn red , then it would pass , return to normal , and only a few people would talk about it the next day . Crazy , I know . But I saw it with my own eyes . He 's a werewolf that only returns to human form once a month . When Newt refused to recant his statements about " black people " on welfare . . . even after it had been pointed out to him that the majority of the welfare recipients that he was assessing were not " black " but were white , on Martin Luther King Jr . 's birthday , on national television , to a " black " moderator , during a republican debate for the upcoming nomination of presidency . . . I mean , where have all the good times gone ? Once you got past the initial audacity and shock of it , it was really funny to watch . He 's like the Michael Jordan of politics . He 's changed the way the game is played , he 's made himself noticeable and memorable , he has massive sponsorships , he talks more shit than any other player in the game , he intimidates other players even when he is weak , perhaps then most of all , and . . . . . he implicitly understands that , " republicans buy shoes too . " * Newt is the new Nike . Just say it . Reagan never forgets . . . I realize that he has no chance at all in this race , and he must have known or suspected this all along . He 's just further peddling the idea of his proximity - of - power , nothing more . He has a sweatshop built into his pituitary gland . He is clearly a man of industry . Callista and Newt envision a world of deep honesty about race , and the subsequent denouncement of races . If he could just let his truth about minorities run free then minorities might one day understand . If they can only learn to speak the right language . If , my constituents , if . . . . I mean , it didn 't matter what subject came up he would find a way of being the very model of an ignorant ass . I keep hearing conservatives jabber about how informed he is about " history , " and how much they really respect him for that . One aspect of history that he doesn 't seem to have studied very well is failed political campaigns . When you 're discussing child labor perhaps it 's a bad idea to suggest that poor under - aged students should get paid to clean up their own schools , underneath the loving tutelage of a " master janitor " . . . . Or , that your infidelities were the by - product of a deep - seated patriotism and dedication to your country . Santorum doesn 't know how to cheat , Romney probably doesn 't even have to . Is there a Brigham - Barby - Doll that comes , or politely doesn 't , with unsoiled temple garments and apologetic missing mystery genitals ? " Latter Day Saints " , think about that phrase . Bill Clinton was not one of my favorite presidents but I happened to really enjoy my life during his presidency . This perhaps gives a false sense of credence and accomplishment to his presidency . But they were basically eight warless years , just like Reagan 's term . It turns out that people really do like peace and prosperity . But it must be a riot to sit and watch Newt 's recent public disasters unfolding in slow motion with old Bubba Clinton . He thinks on his feet , he has an easy and quick wit , and seems to have a much better grasp on political maneuvering than Newt has ever had , or will ever have . It 'd be like watching Wayne Gretzky beat the hell out of Elmer Fudd at air - hockey , or Mario Andretti in a winner - takes - all go - kart death derby with Wile E . Coyote . Ok , Repubs , it 'd be like watching Reagan beat Gorbachev at both Monopoly and Battleship at the same time . Keep in mind that Newt was spearheading a movement to oust Bubba for infidelities while he was actually cheating on his own wife . His own dying wife , I meant . See , the laughs just never stop with the Newtron - onominator . Holy Crap . I just did a search on Newt , trying to find some news to wrap this post up with , and a YouTube clip came up in which Chris Matthews sums it up best , " He 's got that crazy Mephistophelean grin of his . He looks like he loves torturing . " " I have enormous personal ambition . I want to shift the entire planet . And I 'm doing it . I am now a famous person . I represent real power . " No , I feel like I 've already done that . I have jotted down a few notes to further elucidate , but I suppose I 'm just not in the mood for it today . I 've tired of my writing of melancholy , and my pictures of flowers , which has been partly parody , part hyperbole , part joke , part truth . But the intended audience didn 't seem to get it , or care . One must be careful when writing about one 's feelings once you have a child . Depression is no longer an acceptable admission . It worries the minds of those who love me . Though oddly it does so much more now than it did before . My friend , Lisa , took me on a hike the other day . She wanted to get me out of the house , to save me from said depression . We went up to Sugarloaf and hiked the stream up to the waterfall , then we hiked the other direction up the side of the mountain , in search of a mythical tree she had once seen . The mud and the steepness of the trail eventually forced us to turn around , partially victorious . We got a very nice view of the summit high above us and we saw a sign that marks the trailhead that leads up to the Ferguson observatory . ( ISO 200 , f11 ) We stopped just a few hundred paces beyond the clearing below , where the decision was made that further hiking involved greater risk of encountering steep muddy trails . Our shoes and the bottoms of our pants were already covered in fresh mud , much of it seeping through my thin Japanese Adidas trainers . The soles of my shoes were never meant for hiking and they had been worn considerably smooth since I had gotten them several years before . There were some parts of the trail that made me feel like I was hiking with two slices of pizza on my feet , both facing downwards . It brought a small measure of excitement to think that at any moment $ 2000 worth of camera and lens could be destroyed in one small individually wrapped mudslide . This small meadow seemed to sit between two larger peaks , both accessible by trail , though only with a continued effort that neither of us seemed eager to expend . I was telling Lisa how a wide aperture setting determines focal length ( below ) and how shutter speed affects objects in motion and exposure ( far above ) . When speaking about photography I still feel that much of what I 'm saying is being made up on the spot . But when I went back after our hike and looked it all up I was surprised at how accidentally truthful I had been . ( Lisa , in focus , fuzzy field in the distance ) Once done with the trail I promptly drank a bottle of wine , partially filled a cyclist 's water bottle with brandy , and headed off to work . I had foolishly gotten my hopes up a little bit that I would be getting an award for service , recognition for dedication , something . . . . Silly me . They don 't reward people like me with anything so sacred as formal or informal gratitude . Instead , I was told that no award had arrived , that perhaps it mistakenly got mailed to New York . Seems possible , I suppose . I mean , companies get things wrong all of the time . They hired me . Sleep helps . I awoke today and the sky seemed a little less grey than last night . Ha ! Last night it wasn 't grey at all , it was black . Today is almost a day off from work for me . I still have to work , but not very much . Sometimes it is difficult to separate what is depression and what is merely frustration from my job . Despondency is never far away . Wilde said , " The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one . " He was a clever man , of course , though not clever enough to keep himself out of prison . Gaol . I 've made the reading recommendation before here but I 'll make it again , De Profundis . It 's also worth reading about the conditions under which it was written . Jacques Barzun has written a book and an essay that are worth considering . I 'll admit , I don 't have much to write about . I 've felt this way for weeks now . I 'm struggling to find subjects and I am meandering , sometimes on silly fictionalized tangents . I have been occupied with the purchasing of this townhouse . Not with the details , which have been almost exclusively dealt with by Rachel , but with the feeling of enormity , the burden of responsibility . In less than three years time we 've gone from being broken up , to being an occasionally troubled couple , to being married , to moving from NYC to CA , to being parents , to being homeowners . Much of that list , and the most important changes , have occurred in the last 3 - 6 months . I keep calling Rachel a " homo wiener " because it is phonetically similar to " homeowner . " I suppose my mind still reels at the duty of ownership . I said " doody " . . . The rain is getting to be too much , it 's gaining on me . Depressing and dull . I am not one that flirts easily or well with misery , only often so . Melancholy sinks me in a way to which others seem immune ; a cuckold to despair . Driving again today into the rain , then driving home in it unchanged , unhinged . It is ceaseless , dismal and dense - a frustrating end of the spirit , ripe with yet unmade errors . I walked to the car and the clouds sat heavy and low across the bay . I looked out towards San Quentin but it was no longer visible , a terrible dream vanished , only a mile away , unseen . Just water disappearing into cloud and fog , then a sightlessness unmissed . The ashen murk stretches from horizon to horizon , in all directions equally , sitting heavily but not motionless above , stealing the dark mountain line from view . The silhouettes indiscernible , then diffuse , then lost . It is a grayness that lets little of day 's light through , yet all of night 's darkness passes without complaint , without struggle . It is something unthinkable , or worse . It would be called despondency were I not writing this , not thinking this through . The rains have returned , this time seemingly for good . The weather app shows rain for the next 10 days . The visible future from the perspective of a phone . This is the un - talked about season in Sonoma . Before moving here I never heard anybody say that it rains for weeks on end . I had thought that it only politely rained while everybody was sleeping , like a well - maintained sprinkler system on Disney property . In my mind Sonoma was like one of those postcards of Florida sunshine , but set in California , with little clusters of oranges the size and color of grapes , growing on vines , with no alligators there to protect them . A whole state built upon endless sunshine , fermentation and perpetual celebration . I wrote earlier about two rows of sakura trees as they were making their lovely late fall transition to cherry blossom . Now , their colors have shifted to a dark magenta of the departed season , almost the color of a red wine . Each day I drive by , wanting to stop and take a picture . They line both sides of a one - lane drive that leads north off of the main road towards the center of the flat valley , then following a curve behind a small group of trees that obscure the road 's ending , they disappear in unison . The view is tempting , the path inviting . But each day I am rushing in and out of the valley , possessed by time , making instant daily decisions to just keep driving , to just get there , to not suddenly slam on my brakes and veer to the side , wrestling the car into submission , one hand reaching for the camera . I am held to the road by the grip of the rhythm of rock and roll , or bluegrass and country , or electronic dance music , or sometimes even talk radio - with me banging the dashboard and blasting my horn in agreement or rebuttal , screaming occasional spittle into the passing rains . The road 's curves I have memorized in both the light and the dark . But for an animal occasionally making its crazed dash from one side to the other there is little danger in taking the curves as fast as they can be taken , even in rain . Once I 've passed the cops that hide nightly off the road that leads away from the highway I set my cruise control for a spot on the border between what is legal , what is speeding , and just below what is pull - over worthy . . . perhaps foolishly believing myself to have it all figured out , and them along with it . None of this is to say that the valley has died the death of a normal winter , awaiting its spring in sparse grayness , or mourning . The picture above was taken just two days ago , the picture below only a few feet away on the same day , just outside our door . The valley is a mystery , the winter only seems to pass through some of the flora here , other plants seem to celebrate the winter as if it were a perpetual spring . Everywhere there is the gentle explosion of colorful change , of life . The hills turned a bright green and will return to a golden brown for the summer , surprisingly their richest in mid - winter . Everywhere there are the colors of autumn mixed generously with the new blossoms from the wellspring . Where else might there be a place that is so full of side - by - side contradictions - except , of course , the human heart . Well , things change . After getting the news that our counter - offer had been accepted on the house we got a call from the bank a few hours later , wanting to know why there were so few weeks that I had worked 40 hours since moving to Sonoma . We explained that we had a baby and that making the transition has been difficult , and that Rachel needed help along the way here and there with things she was incapable of doing while pregnant , and I occasionally got sick . All reasonable explanations for missing hours here and there . Nope . A bank wants to see a very different type of behavior . They gravitate towards consistency and I do not represent their definition of the term . Now we 're waiting to hear the difference in the amount that we 've been approved for to buy the place , potentially meaning that we will have to put much more money down . Money we have but money we were very excited to not have to use for the downpayment . We will see . We should know more by later today . Yesterday I went from ecstatic buoyancy to dispirited gloom when I looked up my attendance history and realized that they were quite right . I am not a model citizen , not even close . I am amazed that I still have a job , in fact . But my day went from euphoric joy to a discouraged dejection in a matter of minutes . I spent the remainder of the afternoon sipping beer , wine , then whiskey , late into the night . I 'll be amazed if I make it into work today . Though Rachel has encouraged me with a seriousness that is impossible to mistake . She has a new gravity of earnestness concerning my work attendance , specifically today , as this will be an 80 hour pay period if I can somehow make it through the evening . I will put on a smile and pretend that there are not monkeys beating the back of my head with wiffle - ball bats all day . Many of my friends are at the Winter Music Conference in Miami right now . It 's a yearly event that Rachel and I used to enjoy , whether alone or together , for many years . It 's where I first met her , in the winter of 1998 . She had just turned 23 and was dating a friend at the time . After being briefly introduced we were chatting , she was being quite animated , swinging her hands . She swung her hand into my crotch . It was entirely accidental and I thought nothing of it . Though later that night I told my friend , Chris Fortier , who happened to be dj ' ing at the event , that I was going to " have sex " with that girl . Though I might have used a different descriptor , the popular " f " euphemism . That 's when my friend told me that she was dating another friend , so I left it at that and didn 't think too much more about it . Years later , after we were dating off and on , the friend reminded me of the claim I had made the night Rachel and I met . I had completely forgotten , but remembered saying it once I was reminded of it . He was envious of the apparent ease with which I made the claim and then saw it through to completion , telling me so . Looking back now it is funny , of course . I was an obnoxious fool and took great pride in being so . She doesn 't remember this first encounter at all , but she vividly remembers the next one , which supports the obnoxious fool assertion . My friends , Jon and Barry , were in a cab with Rachel , headed somewhere . She was dating Jon . They had flown over from Manchester where they owned and operated a label together . I hijacked the cab with 3 or 4 girls , stuffing them all in as we were mutually headed to some event . I began giving orders and deciding on the route that should be taken . Rachel had to be stopped several times from telling me what she thought of me . She was being " hushed " in the back seat without my knowledge . I was oblivious , in the front seat with two girls sitting on my lap . I had my own concerns to contend with and had little time or consideration for much else . When we arrived at the event I collected the girls that I was with and walked away from the cab , leaving Rachel and her co - label owners to pay . She hated me , she says . She brought it up several times later in the evening , how arrogant and rude she thought that I was . I knew nothing of this , of course , until years later , when she excitedly told me of her first memory of me . Things changed . She started coming to New York and hearing my dj ' ing sets , she began to listen to the electronic music work that I was making . She started another record label , Viscous , to release material that I created with Jon and Barry , which precipitated regular visits to Manchester , where we became friends . I would lie in bed with her talking until we fell asleep , never trying to seduce or persuade her , or even get her drunk to allow the process to happen in its own slurry time , though we did frequent the local pub before retiring for the night . She fell in love with me there in her bedroom , though I didn 't know it at first . I liked sleeping with her , and talking with her before sleep , and then again in the mornings . Life was much less lonely with her . Rachel decided to spend one summer in New York , to study . I helped her find an apartment which was conveniently on the same street as I lived , though a few blocks to the west . A comfortable walk home , a comfortable return . By this time she had broken up with her previous boyfriend , though they still managed the label together and were very close . One night after going out to hear a friend perform we were given a car ride home . As I was getting out I held her hand and insisted that she come with me . She feigned resistance , not having to suspect or imagine what would happen that night , as I had already told her . We went upstairs where I gave her a very nice bible that I had little further use for . We talked and listened to music , then retired for the evening , changing our lives forever . In the morning I convinced her to ditch school for the day . We ordered pizza and watched movies together . My recollection is that it was a rainy day and we had no reason to leave the apartment , but I might be romanticizing it a bit with the imaginary rain . The day was spent as the occasional days of lovers should be , without distractions we began to fall in love . Later , back in Manchester , the bible was among a stack of books by her bed . Needing a title for a track we were working on I opened the book and searched for inspiration , not expecting to find any . I opened to the red letter text of Jesus and my eyes fixed upon this verse : Consider the ravens : They do not sow or reap , they have no storeroom or barn ; yet God feeds them . And how much more valuable you are than birds ! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Since you cannot do this very little thing , why do you worry about the rest ? Consider how the lilies grow . They do not labor or spin . Yet I tell you , not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these . If that is how God clothes the grass of the field , which is here today , and tomorrow is thrown into the fire , how much more will he clothe you , O you of little faith ! My life is filled with noise now , static to be exact . Everywhere we go there is some device generating imprecise pink or white noise ; ever voluminous , without meaning . It calms the child down : presumably , acceptably , understandably , sometimes , emphatically . We have it in the bedroom , a " Sleep Sheep " plays a selection of whales - oceans - rains - and - forests , we can monitor it from afar in the kitchen or bathroom with the " First Years " one - way radio tele - sponders , there is an extra i - phone to be used in the stroller , always only a pocket away lie apple products . In the car we tune to a location previously avoided over the course of a lifetime , situated perfectly between stations we perform the inexplicable : we turn up the radio to a nearly deafening measure of minor fuzzy mischief . Then comes the occasional peace . I need an adventure . There is a tempting hill here , near the bay . I 've decided that I 'm either going to hop the fence and hike the hill to take some photographs or , more likely , find out who owns the land and ask if I can hike , etc . , etc . Each day when I drive past it I look up to see what herds of cattle or sheep have made their way up , and how far , whether they 're in groups together or spread out across the southern face . Last night I went into work early so I also got off from work early and drove home in the waning daylight . It was a pleasant change as I am used to going in later and driving home in darkness . When I reached this part of the drive , where I pull off from the 4 lane highway and onto the two - lane blacktop , the color temperature of the sun 's setting made this hill look particularly inviting . If I ever get two days off in a row again I will take the initiative to do what should be done . I should state , for the record , that I have never seen a human on this hill . I will very likely be the first ever to reach its summit . If I do not return then tell The Pope 's Son that the winds took me , The Holy Spirit swept down from on high and cradled his little lamb up into the heavens . Nope , let me go make a tea and try again . Why can 't I just write nice things ? I was reading Selavy 's site last night and I wanted to go back to a point in the post to re - read , I did a search for the word " remember " and found 16 of them . That 's strange , I thought . Then I realized that I was searching several pages at once , so I went back and looked at each use of the word . Indeed there were many moments of reminiscing or simply recalling . It made me want to take on another volume of Proust 's " In Search of Lost Time , " the recognized masterpiece about recollections and the effects of memory . I read the first volume , " Swann 's Way " about two years ago as part of a faux book club that my friends and I had created that never quite congealed in the intended way . We ended up each reading whichever books we each chose individually and largely ignoring others ' selections . The one book that we all did read was " Revolutionary Road " by Richard Yates . It was okay . Don 't get the wrong impression , dear readers , that your faithful correspondent is one who joins book clubs . This loosely formed literary clan was mostly a joke . We had named it The Finer Things Book Club after the group by the same or similar name from the television series The Office . It was part tongue - in - cheek , the other part farce , and only a thin patina of substance . Wait , is patina a layer of rust ? Or , is it why the statue of liberty is green ? I don 't know . I haven 't been able to get anybody to read a book with me since . I tried with Rachel and Dostoyevsky 's " The Brothers Karamazov " but she gave up about halfway through , even though I was encouraging her almost daily to make it to the latter half where the themes , characters and plot really start to coalesce . Que sera , sera . . . . . A good friend once convinced me not to pursue teaching as a career . Many of my other close friends have suggested that it is my lost calling . I do so love the sound of my own voice . . . . even when I am only sitting here typing it out I can hear myself speaking the words as they appear on the screen in front of me like a verbal Rorschach test . I 've never understood what those blobs are meant to mean , all of them look like pterodactyl vaginas . What 's the point ? I once playfully made the mistake of telling a doctor that each of them looked alarmingly like pterosaur labia and he did not find it nearly as funny as I did . He kept wanting to talk to me about why I would find that funny , as if there was something wrong with me . I asked him how long he had been administering this strange form of psychological test and he told me off and on for several decades . I reminded him that man was not yet walking the earth when the mighty pterodactyls flew above , that my free association was purely imaginary , that I had no first hand experience with pre - historic genitalia , and that perhaps it was him that needed to look carefully into the dinosaur vagina and laugh . He then asked me to say the first word that came to mind when he said a word . He proceeded to say , " mother . " I responded immediately with " mother . " He explained again to say the first word that came to mind after he had said his word , " family " Without a moment 's uncertainty I smilingly offered back , " family . " I could see his frustration growing . I offered that if he had wanted me to say the second word that came to my mind after the word that he had said then why didn 't he just say so . Can you believe they pay people for this stuff ? He administered some other tests on me , all of which came back inconclusive , to my knowledge . He told my parents that I was hostile to both the concepts of therapy and authority . Can you imagine their surprise . I 'm certain that my mother offered to beat me for him . No , I only kid . It is all a fabrication . I just don 't have much else to write about this morning . The world is changing for the worse and I am trying to avoid polemics . Laws are being regularly signed into effect now that violate the basic principles of freedom and due process . Obama has done it again . But not to worry , it made a little ripple on Facebook , where I 'm sure Obama will soon go to seek out the public 's opinion on such matters . I 'm certain he will quickly do an " about - face " on any law that gives him too much power . I work with quite a few young people and I have taken notice at how few of them know anything at all about either The Constitution or The Bill of Rights . Picture me trying to casually interject such a thing into conversation . . . Funny , right ? It has occurred to me for some time that if you are to take rights away from people who do not understand that they have them , then no one will notice , or care . That 's exactly what seems to be happening . The abuses of power even at the lowest levels have become too egregious to dismiss , yet they are . But when it gets mentioned among a group of kids they seem to think that the Occupy protesters sort of asked for it . I mean , they should have know that the cops weren ' . The winsome waking weather lasted but a single revolution of the orb . I found that last sentence , as is , unedited , on the internet . I searched for hours , a true jewel in the rough . Can you believe it ? Overcast skies returned today , moving red and menacing . That we live in an agricultural valley has made itself known . The rains make the land rich , wealthy with minerals , moist with death and then life , and then again , again . Tomorrow is the first day of spring . My wants are relatively meager . My most extravagant yearning is to own a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica , at $ 1400 for a ( new ) set . Any mention of this desire is met with derision , by most . In a world that esteems iPhones , Galaxies and Droids over libraries and bookstores it is no small wonder that I am out of step with the tightening world around me . Everybody keeps telling me that there is a Britannica app . , not seeming to understand that I actually want the set of books and am willing to work and pay for them , sometime in the future , starting tomorrow . But quick comes pity and regret , they do not seem to be meant for me . What future measure of knowledge or literacy will we accept , I wonder . The internet can probably tell you who said that . Pick among the top hits , or the ones that make you happy . It was Browning , either Elizabeth or Robert . Who cares . It might have been Goebbels . I happened into a curio shop a few weekends ago . There were nicknacks and oddball relics arranged with an organizational mania that was matched only by the neurotic breadth in the contents of the place . I started flipping through some framed and unframed posters distractedly . They seemed to be jokes about commerce and productivity . They were " inspirational " in intent , comic in the re - telling , found here in an indoor junkyard . Suddenly an Asian woman was flipping through the stack next to me , smiling with an unsettling and focused fervor . She asked , " You like ' Pride ' ? " She was holding up a framed plastic poster that had a vaguely secular inspirational quote and a presumably matching image . She flipped past , " You want ' Love ' ? " . . . " You need ' Gratitude ' ? " . . . I said that I 'd buy " Gratitude " only if they had a matching " Longitude " in golden aluminum frame . Her ensuing search lacked all sense of thoroughness but easily made up for that loss in both enthusiasm and momentum . As I stepped away no subsequent virtue went unsolicited from that moment until I left the store , smiling and bowing a series of " No , Thank - You 's " that must have seemed like a dynastic getaway . Once upon a time , not long ago , and not far from here . . . I was chatting with a woman . I told her that we just had a baby ten weeks ago . She asked to see a picture . I showed . The next thing I know she 's holding her phone up for me to take a look . On the screen there are two pubescent girls doing handstands in their underwear . One pair white , one baby blue . Their matching white t - shirts barely concealing the area where their breasts would soon be . " One 15 , one 13 . " She says . The next picture they were in the same outfits but right side up . Their t - shirts had dropped to conceal their stomachs though their budding breasts became much more apparent . Well , two of them did , anyway . Again , " Hard to imagine how quickly they grow up . Soon enough they 'll be having babies of their own . " I wondered why a woman would show a man she had never met before such pictures , but assumed that now I am in a " fathers club " in which all things are automatically different , and different for all people in the same way . Terrifying , I thought . No , perhaps this woman was trying to sell her daughters off into sexual slavery and she assessed me as just the right person to safely facilitate such an exchange . Who knows . People are crazy . " Someone oughta ' sell tickets . " - H . I . McDunnough , Raising Arizona After a week the rains have finally gone . Late yesterday and then again last night the remaining clouds departed . There is the continued feeling that spring is here , even though it is still chilly in the mornings . The drive across the river was pleasant and occurred without impediment from other drivers . The Rolling Stones blaring me into my day . The sense of opened skies and great spaces across the bay comes as a welcome relief after a week of perpetually damp grayness , or worse . A single swan had returned to the pond where there were two before . My friends and I developed competing theories as to what had happened to the other swan , or if this swan was even one of the two that were there before . But this morning the single swan had moved on and a flock of smaller birds occupied the pond , just as they had before , presumably scaring off the swan with numbers . There have been sheep occupying various vineyards and farms in the valley . They flock together in the rains and the darkness , separating in the sun , grazing and playing , then returning together almost as a single animal for the nights and the wet weather . One flock has made their way high up on a hill near where our little road leaving the valley meets the highway . They are up there , visible from a distance as a single unexplained event . A white mystery surrounded by great greenness . I keep wanting to walk up the hill to where they are , to see the bay and the valley from that great height . I 've often thought of hiking this particular hill . It is inviting , though I suspect its owner may not be , especially as it pertains to strangers on his land , approaching his stock . I envision buckshot flying over my head , or towards it . But I envision other things to . Like getting a puppy . We are on the verge of owning a place . Once we are told that we can have a puppy there then the search for one might begin , perhaps a cat also , some fish , spiders , and a large Amazonian snake of some sort , to keep the cat on its toes . Though this search , and the biological width of it , is still somewhat dependent on Rachel 's approval . Many of the things that we could not have had as easily in New York we might now have : a small garden , pets , a barbecue grille , cars , parking spots , traffic tickets , oil changes . . . little things that others might take for granted . We were offered a baby grand piano . A gift which we have yet to claim . The idea of having had a baby grand in my apartment in New York makes me giggle . An east village apartment full of puppies and a baby grand occupying the place , without explanation how it got there , or how it would ever find its way out . . I wake up far too early most mornings . I make the perpetual mistake of sleeping with my iPhone near the bed . As if I don 't have enough anxieties throughout the day , and that time represents no problem for me . I keep that device always handy to supplement my stress . I pour hour after hour into the glass screen as if it is a time machine , thrusting me ever further into the future , faster . It 's no small wonder that I have sleeping problems . I used to keep a book near my bed so that I could read for a while , which often worked well , unless the book excited me somehow , started my mind racing . Then later , when I would work an overnight shift and Rachel worked in the daytime I would watch foreign films so that the soundtrack could be very low and I could read the dialogue of the film with my new glasses . Now I have this handheld portal of terror . I lie awake reading news feeds from all over the world . It 's no way for a grown man with sleeping problems - father of one , husband to another - to live . Rhys is starting to sleep well . He has had several nights where he has slept 6 hours or more in a row without waking to be fed . I almost want to give him my iPhone , just to see what effect it will have on him . I 'm convinced the thing is filling the room with pure oxygen like they used to do in the heyday of Vegas hotel / casinos . I remember watching the big MGM fire on tv and thinking , What are the odds of such a thing ? The 1980 's seemed a great time for breaking news . The early 90 's weren 't bad either . The Waco barn burnings were really something . To watch the federal government move in on people with tanks was somewhat novel at the time . It 's seeming less and less so as the years march on , and with the patriot drones buzzing overhead . I 've been thinking about unmanned drones lately . I want one . I mean , I realize there are probably a few community college courses I would likely need to take to really maximize its various uses . But it sure would be great to just sit home and survey this great land of ours from the sky . I mean , from my computer , from the sky . Ok , enough of that talk . It 's a slippery slope , they say . My friends sometimes seem to admonish and warn me about my various politically charged Facebook status updates , and some of what I write here also . Who needs spy drones when you 've got friends . They treat me like I 've been up all night drinking and driving on Facebook . It 's really something . I wonder if having a " fictionalized " online persona will be a defense of the future . I mean , if they can have a war on terror then why can 't we have a defense of fiction ? Absurd times call for absurd measures , like the US customary units . Today is Rachel 's birthday . I have a mini - adventure planned . We 'll see how she feels . The idea of driving around on St . Patty 's Day in the rain , with the baby boy , might not appeal to her . But if it does . . . then my adventure will make me seem much cooler than I actually am , I hope . It involves my normal pre - emptive driving while drunk regimen , augmented with some prescription drugs I found near a trash can at work . I feel like an idiot . I act like an idiot . I look at idiots . I must be an idiot . I left a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica in New York . Rachel convinced me that we would buy a newer set once we got settled in California . They 've discontinued the series now , after 244 years , longer than America has been a country . The set is relegated to the bonfires of the digital world , along with all of the other useless documents from that time . I knew that I was making a mistake by leaving them when we moved . I knew that there would always be some reason why they never got replaced , and I knew that I would regret it , forever . When that little voice in your head tells that what you are doing , or what you are about to do , is something that you 'll regret , then listen . I have learned my lesson ad infinitum , ad nauseam , add this to the list . . . . At the very least , before I completely abandoned them at my apartment , I gave them to somebody who will value them . A guy from work who has six children , 5 girls and a newborn son . I mentioned how bad I felt about not packing them and he offered to come by and take them home to his children , which he did , very grateful to have done so . So be it , I can not cry about it forever . Eventually I 'll forget what I was crying about . Such is the transience of primary memory , the temporal quanta of the fool . I looked online at the cost of a new set , knowing in advance that it was absurd to even check , that they would be way out of my price range . I was right . $ 1400 . The DVD with the entire set digitized and interactive for your learning pleasure , $ 40 . I almost feel obligated to buy 35 copies of it over the course of my lifetime , as gifts for children , a penance of sorts . I really liked having a copy of the Britannica in our apartment . I thought of it almost as an heirloom . Once Rachel was pregnant I fantasized about our child being enthralled with the books once the child reached a certain age . I thought that I was making Diderot proud . Ok , enough about it . It makes me sick , sucking on the teats of stupidity should , I suppose . Speaking of , I will work several hours of overtime today , boosting America 's economy , getting us back into fighting shape . Of what use will the encyclopedia be in the years to come ? The concepts of democracy have finally taken over , truly . Wikipedia will serve as the only font of useful information , all other information will eventually wash away as forgotten sins of another time . What the fuck was I thinking ? I even donated money to Wikipedia , thinking that it was a useful resource . I never fully realized that it was the very thing that would one day soon kill off actual information , as opposed to group opinion . I was naive . Naivety , it 's a French word for idiocy , says Wiki . It is the quality that most invites doom .

I got a new job , one that I have been wanting for a while , it happened at just the right time . I am loving my new job , and so blessed to have it . I feel like a completely different person , full of life and happiness . I do not dread getting up and going to work . I enjoy getting dressed and seeing what my day will hold for me . I am happy to have found a place and a job that allows me the freedom of doing what I love , and a company that I feel is just as amazing as the job itself . I am really blessed . The BF and I , ( more like the BF , and I help ) , took the adventure of getting a puppy in January of 2015 , and she is now a year old . Her name is Maci , and anyone that knows me well , knows she is the love of my life . She is a furball of happiness and surprises every day . She makes me world a happy place , and reminds me that there is always happiness in the simple things . I could ramble about her all day and all night , because I love her so much , but I will spare you and just leave you with the cutest photo of her EVER ! Two of my cousins had babies in 2015 , both boys , and a month a half a part . I have enjoyed watching the two boys grow . I cannot wait until they are older and actually causing mischief together . I 'm sure they will be raising all kinds of hell in their future . I will enjoy all of it , and their parents ' faces when the stories come out ! I also completed three 5K 's in 2015 . I had a goal of completing a 5K when I was 30 . I didn 't meet that goal , but I did complete three of them in my 32nd year , and I am completely okay with that . I feel like this past year has really allowed me to get to know myself . I feel like with everything that has been going on over the past few years , I have lost a bit of myself and my way . In 2015 , I found myself , and was reminded of who and what I am . I am happy with me , work in progress that I am . I have learned some valuable lessons in life and in love . I am so very lucky to have found a man that I am completely head over heels for , and that has shown me what it 's like to " grow up " . I know this sounds crazy , but everyone has parts of their life they are not proud of , and they need to work on . I am okay with admitting my problem areas for the first time in a long time , and I am working on them . Slow and steady wins the race . The year of 2015 was a recovery and rediscovering period for me , and 2016 will be the regrowth year . I am ready ! I have decided to focus on my faith , finances , and my relationships . This really is the year of growth and regrowth for me . I hope this year is a year of joy and blessings for all of you , as well ! 26Mar2015 Who Knew ? ! Posted in Uncategorized by ambrz I have been feeling pretty low about my career situation lately . I went to school for this amazing degree , that I love everything about it . I love literature , I love criticism , I love discussion , and I love analyzing . I LOVE MY DEGREE ! I worked so hard for it , and I feel like it just sits on the shelf gathering dust , as the diploma that came with it . I have been asking myself , " What do you want to be when you grow up ? " a lot lately . The answer is still a teacher , a helper , and a motivator . Not a coordinator . For once in my life , I can say I am happy with everything else . I am happy with my relationship . I am happy with my friends . I am happy with my hobbies , let me rephrase , I have found hobbies , and I am in love with them . I am completely head over heels for Maci , the new fur baby in my life . As well as her daddy , which is a good thing , considering we are coming up on two years . He definitely has my heart like no other ever has . I feel like I am getting my creative juices flowing again , writing , painting , creating , and getting the energy out . Also , I started focusing on my health . My workout regimen is on point , and I miss it if I miss a morning , and feel weird until I do it . I have learned to listen to my body , rest when I need it , and push it a little farther each day . I have registered for a 5K on April 4 , and I am stoked ! I have never been excited about doing anything healthy . It is a new lifestyle and I love this life . Tonight , I was invited in on an opportunity which I think is amazing , and feel so blessed to have been asked to be a part of . I have worked hard at finding out who I am over the past few years . You tend to lose yourself , or really not know who you are until after college . You are so caught up in working and going to school , and doing what everyone else wants you to do , that you forget to find out what you want to do , or like to do . After school , I could not even tell people what my hobbies were . I had not had enough free time to even know what I enjoyed anymore . I loved to read before , but not the sight of a book made me cringe . It took me almost two years to pick up a book and read it for fun . I had read so much throughout my undergrad and my graduate studies that I just wanted to go blank and stare at a TV for hours . Now , I am finding me , and have spent a good while convincing myself it is okay to put me first for once . I have been posting a lot of " self - discovery " blogs lately , but I just want people to know that it is okay to put yourself first . Women tend to put others first , always and forget that they have to take care of themselves as well . In my plus - sized support group , most of the women are in their 40s and 50s , stating they have forgotten to care for themselves through marriages , children , jobs and so forth . They are just now realizing how unhealthy they are . Health is not the only thing that can go to the wayside , happiness , life , and just enjoying the small things tend to be forgotten , and then before you know it , POOF , you realize you lost yourself somewhere along the way . I am 31 , almost 32 , single and childless . I am very thankful for this time in my life . It is allowing me to focus on me , whereas a few years ago , I was upset and felt like a failure because I ended the relationship I thought was going to be the forever happily ever after . I fell into a deep depression , I rarely left the house , I slept all of the time , and I was miserable . Slowly , I came out of my fog , and started venturing out on my own , and realized there is still a life to live . Even though I hate my job , at the moment , I am blessed to have it . However , I am so glad I started my journey to fit , because without it , I would not be where I am today . I have a great group of ladies that I get to communicate , encourage , and see their struggles daily . Today , I am a happier , healthier me . I am blessed , and this group , and lifestyle change has opened so many doors for me . I honestly can say that I have never been happier with myself or with my progress . I just hope I can motivate , help , and hold hands with other women like myself , that need a little pick me up , or soundboard at some point in their lives . Women should encourage other women , not put them down . We are all struggling with our demons , why not help someone through theirs , instead of a * tsk tsk * and a head shake in disappointment or sorrow for them . Offer a hand to lift them up . Do not look down on someone unless you are lifting them up . Today , is a snow day in Alabama ! We have 10 inches , and it is still snowing . It is so rare and so far between that it is amazing when it happens . I have been looking at Facebook all day of pictures from home , and man do I miss the country . I am happy I have power though , which my parents do not . I will stay right here in my city snow wonderland . My 21 Day Fix is still kicking . I am so proud of myself for having constant movement and exercise for three week . Of course , there are rest days in there . I have decided that I really like my yoga at night , and I think I will pick it up again . It helps stretch my body at night after sitting at a desk all day . Not yoga with Autumn , but Yoga with Adriene . It is much more relaxed and about finding what feels good , which I love ! Yesterday 's workout was a challenge , but a good one . It was Total Body Cardio , which I feel gets me moving and stretch really well . I feel like I am working my whole body , and my heartrate really gets going . I was at the boyfriend 's so Maci was helping me workout . She did really well for the most part , until the ground workouts hit . She decided when it was crunch time , she would lay on my chest . I let her stay , and it was actually pretty effective . I think she liked it too . She loved chasing my pony tail too . That was the challenging part . Keeping her off of my head . Today , was snow day number two . I woke up around 7 : 30 , got my workout in . Today was upper body . It was amazing ! I got a resistance band last week , and it really helped . I did not feel like I got a good upper body workout last week , except for planking , push - ups , and abs . Which was still good , but my arms did not really feel anything . That is not . With my band , my workout was so much better and I loved it ! My booty and legs are a little sore today , which as my friend , Danielle , says . She loves that feeling , and I am loving it too . It means my body is working and I am getting results . When I do not feel a little stiffness the next day , I actually feel a little sad and know I did not keep my form as well as I need to . I really concentrated on keeping my core engaged today . Every time I breathed in , I would " HA ! " out to get my core re - engaged . I am really hoping for some sore abs tomorrow . For the rest of my day , I am going to enjoy not having to do a thing . I have my comfy clothes on , some books lined up , Netflix on and my meals planned . Next up , scrambled eggs , sweet potato hashbrowns , and turkey bacon . I am drooling thinking about it . I wish I could bottle the happiness and excitement I feel about my new journey and lifestyle . The lifestyle change is the workout every morning . I am loving it . I feel like I am waking up from a long , lazy , energy deprived state . I know there are some of you out there reading who may be interested in my program and want some more information . PLEASE , do not hesitate or be scared to ask me . I am absolutely excited to talk and share with people . 21Feb2015 Me ? Me ? Or me ? Posted in Uncategorized by ambrz I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life . I am sure I struggled with it as a teen too , but never really thought twice about it . I sucked it up and moved on . As an adult , it has been much harder . I think as we grow up , we realize that life does not always get better , there are hardships that we face , we lose loved ones , we lose loves , we lose friends , and we ever lose ourselves . I lost myself . Once you lose yourself , it is so hard to find " you " again . The you that was lost is never the you that is found . For me , the me I found was so much different than the one I lost . I went from the girl who sought constant approval from everyone to the woman who did not care if you approved . I realize that I am the only one that has to be happy with my decisions . Coming from my family , that is hard to realize and accomplish . My grandmother 's favorite phrase is : " If I was you … " ( Yes , I know that is incorrect grammar . ) So in the " If I was you " world , it is hard to decide for yourself . I have my grandmother telling me what is best , my mother telling me what is best , and me telling me what I want . Of course , Granny and Mom are always right , but sometimes the decisions that they would make , are not the decisions that would benefit me . I am creative . I am sensitive . I am loving . I am considerate . I am constantly thinking ahead and over - analyzing everything . Not all of these traits are good traits , but they are mine . My traits make me , me . Plain and simple . I think everyone likes to look at themselves as breaking the mold of whatever mold they feel stuck in ; I know I do . My mold is this : overweight my entire life , band geek , good at school ( not so good at life ) , loves reading , introvert that loves to talk , opinionated , animal lover ( more so than people lover ) , and sensitive . ( Oh , did I mention sensitive ? ) These things make up me . The overweight part of me has made me sensitive in a lot of areas that I do not think other people are . I never really thought a lot about my weight growing up , because I was not really picked on because of it . I am from a small town , and it is just the way I always was . Everyone accepted me , loved me , friended me , and included me . I always wanted to play volleyball . I never did . I could not run like the rest of my friends , I joined the band . The worst part of band camp - running the ONE lap around the football field . Yes , I said one . I hated it , I dreaded it , and it almost gave me anxiety to think about it . Literally , I wanted to call in sick to band camp for this reason ; however , there was no calling in sick to band camp . I sucked it up and finished last every day . When I went away to college , this is where I started noticing the difference . People did not really comment , at least the people I knew . I would get rude remarks walking into a store or out of a restaurant . I would just ignore them and act like I had not heard them . I did hear them , and they hurt . I knew I was a " big " girl , but I was still a girl . This is where dating comes in . I never really dated in high school , because all of the boys were like brothers . I knew them from age 5 to now . We knew everything about each other , and I did not want to date that . I am sure they did not want to date me either . In college I met and dated quite a few guys . One specifically sticks with me , because he was a chubby lover . The bigger the girl , the more he liked it . I found this out very soon after we started dating . It always made me feel uncomfortable , and never good about myself . I just felt like a side show of sorts . We dated for almost two years . Why ? Because he liked me and was there . As the years went on , I dated lots of men who were more like boys , and I really never had a connection with . I never really felt like any of them knew me , because I would not let them know me . I was proud of my education ( because I was good at it ) , and this bothered some of them . ( Strong woman , strong mind - scared little boy . ) I did not care that it bothered them , I dumbed it down so they would not feel threatened . I felt like I needed to do this , for them . Along the way , and through the years , I lost myself . I lost who I was . I stopped putting myself first . I put school , work , and whatever boyfriend I had at the time first . My mother never encouraged this , please do not misunderstand this . My mother always preached independence and not letting a man take care of you . A woman need to be able to take care of herself in any situation . I learned from an awesome mother , who was single for a part of my childhood , and did everything by herself . She was amazing , and tried to instill that in me as well . It just took longer for me to realize it . Fast forward a few years , I have graduated , I have moved , and I have started a new job . I also have a new boyfriend . This one was a complete game changer for me . He knew me . He understood me . He got me . He loved me . The last thing is important , because in spite of knowing every little secret and thought I had , he loved me . I loved him for this reason . He helped me find a part of myself again . He helped me realize that I am worth more than I thought . I have more to offer than just a fancy education , and that I am amazing all on my own . Granted , we are not together anymore , but he gave me something no one else can . He gave me the ability and confidence to find myself again . I have found myself . I am by no means comfortable in my own skin , and I kind of lost sight of me for a bit . It was a hard journey out of the depressed state I was in , but I found the light that is me and within me again . I realized while in my challenge group , that all of the ladies with me have also been through some sort of self - discovery all on their own . They are an amazing group of women , who inspire me to be even better than my best self as of today . I have a family and friends who are supporting me so very much . I have an excellent , understanding and so very considerate boyfriend that I adore more and more every day . I have a job with excellent co - workers . I have goals . It is good to have me back again ! 25Aug2014 Positive Thoughts Posted in Uncategorized by ambrz With all of the commonality women have , why can 't we all just get along ? We , as a " weaker " sex , have banned together to get our way throughout history . We have made huge leaps as women . We can now vote , we can now work in the same jobs as men , we can also make just as much , if not more than men in the workplace . ( This is a generalization I know , there is the gap ; and no , it 's not the thigh gap , it the salary gap of $ 0 . 67 / hour between men and women . ) I am saying all of this to you , to prove a point and ask , why can 't women band together to love each other as well ? We have all been guilty of sitting with our girlfriends , and seeing a woman that looked different from us , " Look at her , she 's kind of skanky , right ? " I know I am guilty . Hell , this past week on the beach I saw a 6 ' + woman who was very , slender , almost sick looking . See , I did it again . She may not have been anorexic , or bulimic , but I am sure she has been labelled that by her appearance . As I saw this very tall woman on the beach , I tried to push labels aside and really look at her . She was beautiful . She had porcelain skin , her angular cheeks had a blush of pink from the heat , and her pixie hair cut was super adorable ! I loved it , and her bikini was rockin ' ! I , being a plus sized woman , have been labelled , lazy , and gross and just plan out fat . I am none of these , well I am not gross , except for those Sunday 's I am extremely lazy , and refuse to shower until 3 : 00 p . m . ( We all have those days , right ? ! ) I have been judged my entire life , called names , and stared at by random people on the street . I had a girlfriend from high school tell me once , that she , as well as my other classmates , never thought of me as different . So my question to all of my female and male readers is this : Why can 't we all just see each other for who we are , and not what we look like ? As some of you know , I did have gastric bypass surgery three years ago , resulting in a drastic 150 lb . weight loss . Now , you may be asking , if she isn 't concerned about looks , why did she want to lose weight ? Losing weight , for me , was a health concern . I was 27 with high blood pressure I had developed diabetes , and seriously hated the idea of having to walk up the stairs to my apartment . This was an issue for me . I opted to get healthy and after many , many failed attempts at diets and exercise , bypass was the only legitimate outcome . I chose to do it for my health and not my beauty ; after all , I was already beautiful . Do not think that anything I said above calls larger people unhealthy . It is not . I know plenty of people who weigh more than I do , and are healthier than I am . This is just a choice I made for myself , with no judgment to others who choose not to . I am not a doctor and cannot say what is better or worse for anyone out there . What I can say is , no matter whom you are or what your friends come to you with , be honest with them , and discuss their options openly . This can be plastic surgery because someone is uncomfortable with their crazy ( lazy ) , eye ( I have one ) , or what color or cut they should get at the salon next go around . Just be honest and up front without your opinion . They will value it more than your sugar - coating . I guess all of this is to say , in my first opening blog , that I wanted to discuss an issue that I thought strongly about . This is it . Body shaming of either men or women , ( yes , men get it too ) , should STOP . That 's it . Stop it . Stop talking about that woman down the aisle from you at work , or the man you pass in the elevator every morning , stop judging by outward appearance only . Take a moment , stop , and actually take a second to think of something nice about that person . Have you actually taken a moment to say hello ? Take that moment . Say hello , and get to know the person , not the body . ultimatemindsettodayA great WordPress . com sitebig beautiful canadianBody Positive . Plus Sized . Animal Lover . Proudly Canadian . GTA Ontario . Fiery Fit DaniWhen your fitness journey gets too hot , turn up the heat ! sassysmartypantsRamblings of a semi - flighty , overworked , coffee addictREVISIONS OF GRANDEURlife 's a draft

Some families start with au pairs and stay with au pairs until their kids can drive . Many ( most ? ) parents use an array of childcare options over the course of their parenthood . Lots of us will switch back and forth between different childcare options , depending on what we and our kids need at any given time . For most folks , what triggers a switch to au pairs is a change in their own or their kids schedules that makes their childcare needs something other than 5 weekdays days of 8 to 5 childcare . I have a 4 year old and 1 year old . The 1 year old will start attending pre - school in the fall 3 days a week and my older son will go 5 days so my child care needs / hours will be changing . I have had 3 nannies and one that fell thru after 2 weeks so I feel that I have some experience with child care in my home , the interview process for the nannies , surprise issues and happy circumstances with employing someone to care for my kids … Also , all 4 nannies have been international w / English as a second language ( but all lived in the US for 5 or more years ) . Welcome to Au Pair Mom ! Please be sure to check out the " Welcome " tab to see how to navigate through all the goodies here . Use the two search boxes to find posts on specific topics , and Sign Up to get posts by email . Join in the conversation ! Tagged as : The flexibility and consistency that comes with an Au Pair usually supercedes what you can find with a nanny . I used a nanny with my twins ( who arrived when the first was not even 2 years old ) . Then after a year I switched to an Au Pair - huge difference in consistency , knowing she would be there , giving me time off with my husband on the weekend ( which the nanny couldn 't do easily ) , plus the whole second language issue . We used ProAuPair which specializes in German Au Pairs and those trained in special needs ( which my cousin with an autistic son needed and used ) and they are small enough to really give personalized care . I had much more comfort with the Au Pair and paid her actually LESS than the nanny who was less skilled . I dont think our experiences are unique either . Seems to be consistent that au pairs perform at a higher level and are less costly . While I never used a nanny , I can attest to the costs of other forms of childcare being higher - and not all of it monetary . We gutted our house to make a handicapped - accessible bed and bath for my daughter , and at the same time also lost the AP bedroom . My daughter is on Medicaid ( for children whose medical expenses exceeds a family 's ability to pay - in my daughter 's case over $ 100 , 000 a year ) , so we were eligible for Medicaid to pay for nursing . But it wasn 't " free " at all . In the 11 months we used the nursing agency we went through 25 nurses , and 5 failed to show up for their shift altogether - leaving my neighbors to take my daughter off her schoolbus ( one pregnant and one 72 at the time ) . In addition , the nurses did not have driving as part of their duties , so every time my daughter had a doctor 's appointment , I lost 4 hours of work because I had to go back home , get the car , drive to her school , pick her up and drive her to the hospital . That " free " care cost me all of my holiday time and most of my sick time . The nurses were okay , but they were not loving . They didn 't cuddle my daughter when she cried , or hold her " just because . " They didn 't sing to her , play with her , and most of all they weren 't part of the family . To top it all off , they could not care for my son , so we put him in school - based aftercare . The minute the house was done we took on another au pair . Sure , the monetary cost was higher , but the love and as the previous poster said , consistency was there . I knew who would be taking my daughter off the bus ( and while my daughter is retarded , she isn 't stupid , she absolutely loves having the same person care for her day after day ) . We have three grade school aged children and are with our third au pair . We had live out nannies when they were younger , and switched to an au pair when our youngest entered preschool . I don 't think an aupair is cheaper when you factor in the car insurance , extra car , food , and all the incidentals , but there are tremendous advantages . We enjoy making our aupairs part of the family so we really get to know who they are and how they interact with our children . There is no upheaval during the daily transitions of mommy coming home and nanny leaving . An adventurous young person from a foreign country who is taking a college course is a wonderful role model for our children , and the cultural exposure is great ! We 've collected a few more holidays and special meals . It 's nice having an extra adult in the house , and sometimes my husband and I sneak out for a mini date after everyone is in bed if the aupair is in for the evening ( we don 't come close to maxing out our hours of child care when the kids are in school ) . We have had one negative situation and rematched which was painful for all involved , but we welcomed a wonderful replacement very quickly and I would still recommend hosting an aupair . I love positive stories like this ! I just came back from a new au pair orientation and it was so nice to see another host family and au pair relationship off to a wonderful start ! I asked the kids if I could take her back with me and they all yelled " No ! " There was laughter in the house and they are already talking about extending together ! : ) I 've found there are pros & cons . A nanny is slightly more flexible in some areas . For ex - different hours needed during school year vs summer . Say you only need a nanny for 24 hrs during school yr but 45 during summer . You can adjust rate , etc w / a nanny . Or say you take off 4 weeks of the summer , for a nanny you can usually not pay her if she doesn 't work - but not with an aupair . Also you do have the living arrangement . Sometimes with an aupair you wish you had that space back , though usually for us its not a big deal . Also a nanny usually has her own car . And a nanny usually speaks English . Yet an aupair has a lot of pros too . The girls are mostly very good childcare providers , the cost if you have consistent needs is less , and the aupairs love the kids more . I still talk to all my aupairs yet not most of the babysitters or nannies . Especially for young kids , they don 't understand that the nanny is just there to get paid … that the nanny doesn 't want to see them on the weekend or doesn 't get paid to come to their birthday party . Aupairs come to these events and its really nice . As education is important to me , I always pick educated girls and generally the same amount you 'd pay an aupair vs nanny you will not get the same education level with a nanny . Also you really know your au pair . You know if they are a drinker or smoker etc … I feel confident with our aupairs character . We 've had some really questionable nannies . I know its none of my biz what a nanny does on the weekend but I love that I feel like I know our aupairs character well . Its hard to hide character when you live with someone : ) We did have 1 rematch w / an aupair . That was kinda horrible . So if things are not well , having the living arrangement will make it even worse . You can tolerate more if you just see someone an hr a week vs someone who lives in your house . This really upsets me that you generalize nannies as " just being there to get paid " and that I " don 't want to see the kids on the weekend or go to their birthday party " . The child I nanny for I am closer to him than the children I au paired for . I would like to see the child on the weekend ( occasinally , I do enjoy time with my husband too ! ) and I would absolutely attend his birthday party ! As an au pair , I wasn 't even invited to the children 's birthdays . I 'm not sure where you live or what experience you have ( directly or otherwise ) with nannies , but I think you 're way off the mark . I think age plays a part in educational background of both nannies and aupairs . I know some aupairs who have some college under their belts , but most don 't . I know several nannies , however , who are college grads , several with masters degrees or in progress , and even more who are college - educated ( though not completed ) . The nanny demographics are changing in this country and the overwhelming majority of the nannies I know are 20 - somethings from middle - class families in the west / midwest . It 's unfair to say that aupairs love their charges more and , in my experience , plain untrue . All of the girls I know ( with the exceptions of the married girls ) are live - ins and work well more than a number of the aupairs we know , both in hours and duties performed . And any girl smart enough to have a contract would never stand for 4 weeks of unpaid time at the whim of the family . I get paid 52 weeks of the year , regardless . Nanny 's are your employees and they can be " live in " or " live out " . Most nannies in my area , are hired directly by the families and the contract and other arrangements ( hourly pay , vacation , rules ) are between the family and the nanny . There are seperate brokers that can help you find a nanny and hire a nanny but most in my area do it more by word of mouth . Nannies are not restricted to the number of hours they work . There is no requirement to pay for education though I know I paid for my first nanny to take a first aid and english as a second language class . I agree with Kitty that there are many pros and cons , and you have to weigh them all and decide what is best for your family . We employed older , live - out nannies while our children were babies , since we were more comfortable leaving our infants in the care of women who were mothers / grandmothers . We were going for maternal instinct , which was important to us . As our kids got a little older and could express themselves better and they wanted to play soccer , football and go roller blading , this was hard for a grandmotherly nanny to do . We then decided to explore the au pair program . Our transition was rough because we expected our au pairs to just know how to care for kids and manage behavior by setting limits - like our nannies did . This was not the case with the first two au pairs we hired , so we ended up in rematch . We realized we needed to ask better , harder questions during the interviews , which helped us to avoid making the same mistakes . We have selected 3 excellent au pairs since then . The flexibility is helpful of having live - in childcare when there is an emergency at work , especially in our situation when we do not typically reach the 45 hour limit - we can just ask them to work an extra hour or so which we have to spare . It is also nice to see our au pairs running around the yard playing football and keeping up with our active kids . We do long for quiet Fridays and Saturdays in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine ( ahem ) , but the pros generally outweigh the cons for us . Better , harder questions can be found right here : http : / / aupairmom . com / matching - share - one - great - interview - question / 2009 / 02 / 06 / celiaharquail / I built a new list of questions based on this post and comments - because so much is specific to the ages of your kids and your personal priorities , you really need to tailor a new list each time - and the ideas in this post made interviewing much less nerve - wracking this time around . With a less - than - stellar track record of interviewing , I 'm hopeful we have found a great one right out of the ' pool ' this time . So thanks to everyone who threw out a comment ! ( Still can 't get Skype to work on our Mac laptop though . Grrr . ) One difference that I haven 't seen mentioned here , and I personally experienced several times , is when the nanny quits suddenly - i . e . lets you know Fri that on Mon she is not coming - a working parent is left hanging with no immediate options for the kids with very short notice . With au pairs and rematches ( and we did go through two ) , you often have two weeks to scramble for backup or find somebody new , and you know that the agency will try to find you a replacement . It is not a guarantee of course , but you know you can go back to the pool and you know you can find somebody . Options . Yes , when we were interviewing nannies , at our price point ( at the bottom of " acceptable " range ) we had very few choices . In addition , we needed somebody who could work here legally ; that shrunk our choices even more ! Legality of the program . With the jobs we have , very important to us . Many people who make their living as nannies in our area , are not in US legally , or if they are , don 't have a legal right to work here . Age . Yes , unexpectedly , I found that young age of au pairs is a definite plus . Before I thought that an experience of being a mother , as most nannies have had , was invaluable ( most were in their fifties and older ) . After I had a horrible nanny who was a mother of three herself , I changed my mind . Being young , au pairs are more flexible to do things for the kids the way you want , instead of coming with the baggage of how they did things for their own kids and what they think is right … Also , no nanny I 've had would be able to do what my au pairs did with my kids - take loooong walks with a double jogging stroller to and from nearby parks … It is physically taxing to be with young kids , and a young person can do it more easily , without complaint . And finally , the personal element . With nannies , it is their job . They have ( or have had ) their families , their own lives . Yes , they do love your kids eventually , and they might like you . But for the au pairs , you ARE part of their life , for a very important and transformative year . There is a potential for a much closer and meaningful personal relationship . I like that . Money . I am not even talking about money , it is an obvious difference . With $ 340 a week that the program costs us overall , and $ 500 + a week that a cheapest live - in ( cheaper than leave - out ) nanny commands now in my area , the difference is felt . Anna - an au pair can quit suddenly too . We were in rematch anyway , but one night the au pair just left in the middle of the night ( I suspect she had done the same with her first family as well ) . It was pretty devastating for the kids . You are right . But at least you have an agency who will try to find you somebody , sometimes for a short term even … With a nanny , you never know how soon you can find a new one , you don 't even know when you can get someone to interview ! I absolutely agree that APs are a little more stable , and you aren 't quite held hostage by requests for salary increases , or paid health insurance , or or or . For us , there was always a family who could pay more sitting next to them on the bench at the park . APs have been more stable . Also more integrated into the spectrum of the kids ' lives . They know first hand how we re - direct the little one when she 's playing with the big one 's toys , etc because she 's with us more . So it 's smoother all around . We had a nanny for two years before entering the AP program , and while she was super , we 've preferred having an AP . Our nanny was live - out , and there wasn 't the same flexibility with yours . If your nanny is live - in , there won 't be as much of a transistion . That was the biggest change for us - having someone live with us and be part of our family . With our nanny - although she was awesome - it was a job , and when her time was over , she went home to her own family , and we didn 't see her again until the following day . We 've had both since our first child was born in 2004 . I loved our second nanny who was with us for 2 years , still talk to her today . But I found that is was more difficult with the schedule and things like sicks days , traffic jams , car issues , etc . Au pairs being in your house cuts down on a lot of possible hiccups , not saying it 's perfect but it is easier and definitely more flexible . In the Boston Area , an au pair runs close to $ 10k less a year even factoring car , car insurance , room and board , etc . Going rate for nannies is very high here , you have to pay worker 's comp , health insurance , etc . for me , it 's really a no brainer , we 'll have au pairs until my kids can safely entertain themselves at home while I work ( from home ) which means we have many many years to go : - ) I feel that we have done everything - daycare ( first child ) , nanny , au pair and currently a live - in student . We had some amazing au pairs , who were warm energetic and loving with the children . We had two that thought that their driving abilities were better than they were that ended in rematch , one who was homesick for a boyfriend back home and left after four months after using our house as a hotel for her friends for 3 + weeks and one who was all around pretty awful . Not a great track record , although the ones who were great we are still in touch with and we will get to see one of our former au pairs this summer in her home country . What attracted us to the au pair program was the consistency of care - the same person would take care of the kids when we were at work as when we went out on date nights . For us , the cost of using an au pair is greater than the cost of a nanny . We need on average about 20 hours of childcare a week during the school year and full time in the summer . This school year not having an au pair we have missed some of the extra things that an au pair will do for the kids - making their lunches , doing their laundry and coming home to having the kids breakfast dishes in the dish washer . The other thing that has been a challenge is filling in on school conference days , snow days , etc . We currently have a graduate student who lives in our house and takes care of the kids a few hours each day . She is more mature than our former au pairs and just as loving as they were . She is a little more distant than an au pair in terms of her emotional involvement with our family and we rarely see her on weekends , but we do like her a lot and feel that in other respects she is very much like an au pair ( just without the flexibility of an au pair in terms of filling in ) . Mom23 , how did you find the grad student ? As our kids age , our main needs are for someone who drives and who can prepare simple , healthy meals for them . I 've thought about switching to a part - time college student , but I 've heard that they sometime flake out at exam time . I had two great candidates . One a grad student and one a teaching assistant who would have been able to take care of my kids after she got off work . One I found on Craigs List the other through word of mouth . We tried a college student once and we were always her last priority , her sorority , her spring break , etc . always came first . We liked her , it was just good that the time we had her our jobs were very flexible . Check out Sittercity . com where you can search on certain criteria and contact candidates , or post a childcare position and let people apply online . We had to use it to fill a childcare gap between au pairs recently . Lots of college students on there , but other types of candidates as well . We have done everything from daycare to nanny to au pair . While we were very pleased with our last nanny the cost after a while seemed like a drag . We also had to work around a schedule ( she was very involved in her church ) . For me the one big pro is that you can actually meet a nanny and interview them in person so you can meet the person . I also do like the fact that a nanny in most cases has more childcare experience and more life experience than an au pair . While our au pair is great now it has taken many months of instructions , discussions etc , to get her where she is now . Many au pairs have never had jobs before so they do not know what is expected of them . I also can appreciate the before school care and the flexibility of having an au pair . I travel for work so it really is the only situation that would work now . Let me preface this by telling you about our experience with nannies . Before we started the au pair program , we had four fantastic , mature , loving , energetic , and hard working nannies . We never had a bad experience with nannies . We only switched to the au pair program because we needed more flexibility with the hours . Although we are about to start with our second au pair , I think there are hidden costs to hiring an au pair . When you compare what a nanny does vs . what an au pair is allowed to do , it is not as cost effective to hire an au pair as you might think it is . For example , an au pair is only allowed to work 45 hours per week . She is not allowed to work over 10 hours per day and must have at least 1 . 5 consecutive days off per week . If you occasionally need more than 45 hours per week or more than 10 hours per day , you will have to hire a nanny or babysitter for the extra hours . In fact , some families need someone to work over 10 hours of time per day . Legally , you are also not allowed to leave your children overnight with an au pair ( because it would add up to over 10 hours in a day , since sleeping hours are counted as working hours ) . Therefore , if you need the au pair to work over ten hours a day or to have a week - end away with your hubby , you will need to hire someone else . This , to me , is an extra cost . Another example , which I experienced with our first au pair : an au pair is only allowed to cook and clean for the children . Many nannies where we live ( in California ) are willing to cook and clean for the entire family . Thus , before we hired our au pair , our nanny not only cared for the children , but if the children were at school , she would clean the house , wash / dry / put away all our clothes , and gladly cook for the entire family . Since my husband and I both work full - time , we need someone to help us with cleaning and cooking , so that we can spend time with the kids when we come home . An au pair will not ( or is not allowed to ) do all these chores , even though she is supposed to be a " part of the family " . Thus , in addition to paying the au pair , we have to pay a woman who comes several times a week to cook and clean . I also think that the extra cost of car insurance and gas are hidden costs . Compared to a local nanny who knows her way around , who has many years of experience driving children , and who clearly will only use your car for purposes of driving your kids ( and not for her own pleasure ) , an au pair needs to learn the rules of the road in the U . S . , learn her way around , and you have to make sure that she does not abuse the wear and tear that she puts on your car , since she might be using it to go out with her friends . Same with the cell phone , in my opinion : most nannies around here have their own cell phone and pay their own bills ; that is not the case with an au pair . Cars are a hidden potential cost , but the same was true when our nanny drove our car . Few in my current metro area will use their own , and they want above the federal reimbursement rate . Hidden costs , hidden benefits . For us , au pairs are much more fun , less stressful ( believe it or not ) and a lot less cost . Our first AP gave my husband and I a night alone two weeks before my daughter had brain surgery . It was godsend to have that time off , because for five weeks after the brain surgery we rarely slept together at all ( one of us always sleeps in the hospital with her - she can 't talk or sign ) . This AP also spent 3 nights in hospital with my daughter ( and received the day after off ) , which helped my husband and I catch up with much - needed sleep . We didn 't ask for any of those things , they were a gift . ( I can still count on both hands the nights DH and I have not slept in the same place as at least one of the kids , and they are now 9 and 11 . ) We did not approach the gift as " it was the least she could do , " we were extremely grateful . we could not afford a nanny who would also clean and cook . So our nannies didn 't do anything around the house than an au pair couldn 't do . I also didn 't ask them , because when we had nannies my youngest was a baby , and I realized that she couldn 't do much else without depriving my baby of attention . I do think it is rare to find a nanny who is willing to do so much housework , even if you pay well . It might not be practical also , especially if the kids are young and demand a lot of energy - could lead to burnout fast . This is a job of several people ( although stay at home moms do it all the time without any pay at all , LOL ) And to find a nanny who is flexible enough to babysit for weekends away is also rare . You have been very lucky with your nannies . Our car insurance didn 't go up at all with adding au pairs to it . But our au pairs have a local license , and they are older . I 've had live out and live in nannies plus numerous au pairs . The core difference I find between the two roles is that the nanny starts out as your employee and could become a family member . The au pair is your employee and family member from the beginning . If things don 't turn out well with the nanny , with no qualms , you can let them go . You don 't have to expend the effort to work things out if you don 't want to . With an au pair , your intent is to create a family bond up front . I find that it 's sad to break that bond . I 've kept au pairs longer than I should have because it was easier to keep a poor performing au pair than to go through the emotional trauma of letting them go . I live in Northern California and nannies are VERY expensive here . Some nannies here command up to $ 20 per hour . I have always paid about $ 15 to $ 16 per hour and NONE of them had a questionable visa status . All of them spoke good English , were in the thirties or forties , drove well , and all of them helped around the house . When my kids were younger , they napped and our nannies had time to do other things ; at that time , they worked 40 to 45 hours per week . We were upfront about the hours and the housework when we interviewed them . All of them became part of our family , and yes , even now , they still visit us and reminisce of how much they miss us as employers . None of them burned out or I would have known about it : - ) . Now that the kids are in school , I need about 30 to 35 hours of help . Before I had an au pair , our nanny would come to our house an hour or two before picking up the kids and do the housework . Occasionally , I also had the flexibility , when the kids were home from school , to ask the nannies to work 50 + hours . Of course , that cost an arm and a leg . I 'm just highlighting the differences between nannies and au pairs . For me , it has not been that big a difference financially hiring an au pair because I have had to hire cleaning and cooking help as well . I have also had to provide the au pair with a cell phone , a car , and room and board that a nanny did not require . So far , the au pairs have not been as mature as our nannies , but I am getting better at choosing them . For us , it is about flexibility . I just want to say that I have really appreciated this thread . All of the comments have been very productive and thoughtful . My husband and I spent a lot of time deciding between a nanny and an au pair . When things got tough with our first two au pairs I was so upset that we didn 't just go the nanny route . But now that we are 8 months into a third and successful au pair match I am much happier with the program and these comments have reaffirmed our decision to stick with the au pair program . Thanks everyone ! We 've had 6 live - in nannies and 2 au pairs over 12 years . As background , five of them were American - born women in their early 20s who had at least a 2 - year degree if not a college degree . Having had live - in nannies , we had the infrastructure ( 3rd car , room , bedding , computer , etc . ) already in place for an au pair . Others have commented on cost ( au pair saves us 10 grand a year ) and flexibility of duties ( boy , do I miss having a nanny who would run around to 4 stores in search of white gloves for a dance recital ) . We keep in touch with all but one . Once my youngest was in school full - time , we switched to an au pair . It 's been good exposure to other cultures for our kids and we 've enjoyed the company of our aupairs , but , to be perfectly honest , the primary motivators in switching were cost savings and flexibility of hours . My live - in nannies worked 55 hours / week and there is an expectation that they will be paid from x a . m . to y p . m . even if they have an hour or two of down time in the middle . The convention with au pairs is to not count that hour or two of downtime toward the 45 and that gives us more flexibility for coverage for evening events & activities . I do wonder how long this is sustainable because I don 't know how many au pairs out there want a job that 's mostly involves meal preparation , driving and laundry for 3 very self - sufficient older kids . I think you 'll be pleasantly surprised at the pool of APs who might desire exactly what you need ! Just be honest when interviewing them . Some extension APs are really interested in concentrating on their studies and having a bit more " relaxing " year if they have been with a family with younger children needing more intensive care . Not our personal experience yet , but I know other families in our cluster who have teens and keep getting new APs for precisely the reaons you list above , and all involved have been extremely happy with the situation ! We have used day care , live out nannies and au pairs . The things that I have enjoyed about our nannies have been the fact that they have all been " up to speed " on the basics . They know how the kitchen appliances work , they are comfortable driving children ( and I can check them out with the DMV ) and in general they are familiar with how americans raise their kids . In our experience , they are also more supportive in transitions with the kids , i . e . have been better at helping with potty training or nap changes . The nannies that we have had have also been great with engaging our children , only one au pair has been creative , energetic and engaging with them . With our au pairs , I have yet to have help with potty training , in fact any progress that I currently make with our twins at home or at their preschool is erased with just one day at home with the AP . With our most recent AP , she was so overwhelmed with the small things like different light switches , that I found it difficult to train her on her real job . It has taken a month to get her comfortable . On the other hand , we do love that we have consistent care for our kids along with great flexibility . My DH travels for work so while most weeks her schedule is very predictable , there is one week every 4 - 6 that is very unusual . Since we have no family where we live , we also love having the extended family of an au pair . We also open our home to AP 's whose HF 's may be traveling during the holiday 's and leaving their au pair behind . Last Christmas we had our AP plus 2 of her friends and we all had a blast ! I have resorted to insisting she use the timer - our twins are totally conditioned to it so they respond well . So now she has to set the time for every 60 minutes ( more for her than the girls ) and tell them " when the timer beeps it is time to go potty " . They do not argue with the timer at all , though they are know for getting into great debates with an adult making the request . Myself and DH both work from home so we can hear the timer and she knows this . It seems that the accountability on her end seems to be working better than any thing else we 've tried . Our nanny was the one to instigate potty training with our oldest , and she filled us in on what she was doing after the fact … . Does she have to do the laundry from all of the accidents ? I would think that a decrease in laundry for your au pair would be a HUGE incentive - at least it is for me ! I 'm sure you 've done this as well , but maybe have her spend some time with you and your daughter on the weekend so you can show her what your daughter does when she has to go . Maybe learning visually will better teach it than a book . That will also help her with your daughter when they are out , having an accident at a play date or the park is never fun for anyone . A friend of mine has an in - home day care and she potties all of her kids before and after . Before we play , we all go potty . When we come in , ditto . Before / after snack , lunch , nap , etc . She swears by it . We just sent our AP into transition , but not just because of the potty training issue - that was just one of many major issues . Our son was having many accidents a day with her , and rarely with others . One day she chose not to change him to a pull up at nap and after he predictably left a puddle on the bed she pulled the covers over it in hopes it would dry . It was the day before our cleaners were to come , so she figured he would only sleep in peed - on sheets for one night . The sheets did not dry by bed time though , so I discovered the cover up and it was a fun night changing sheets and the mattress pad right at bed time . I did ask why the next morning and I got " I forgot . " Also , she would throw any urine - soaked clothes in the laundry basket in his closet and close the door , even after we asked her not to do that and gave her other acceptable options . These are only the potty training - related laziness examples . My kids ' best interests did not appear to be a top priority so that along with major trust issues forced us to send her into transition ( our 6th AP , 1st transition ) . Now we are having trouble finding a nanny to fill the gap until our next AP is already scheduled to arrive . We have had full time daycare , live - out nanny and currently au pairs . Our nanny was a woman in her 50s who had tons of childcare experience and knowledge . However , her husband was newly unemployed and she had a ton of worries that she brought to the job on a daily basis . Even though she had her own car , it soon began to break down and eventually became unusable for a good part of the time . At the end of each day , she was also in a big hurry to get home and cook dinner for her husband . She was always busy grocery shopping for him and pre - making food to take home . It was obvious that her obligations at her home took precedent over the obligations in our home . Additionally , she started asking us to pay for health insurance even though we were already paying over 500 / wk . We had another baby on the way and she made it clear that she wanted a raise when he arrived . This level of pay was really far beyond what we can afford . At this point we knew we had to switch to an au pair . It was a combination of issues not just limited to finances that led to this decision . We are really happy with our decision thus far ! It is wonderful that an au pair does not have another family to take care of , cook for , and shop for . This really allows her to have lots of energy for your family . Additionally , you can feel confident that the car she drives is serviced regularly and fully operational ( something I was quite concerned about with our nanny ) . Additionally , au pairs have health insurance and this give me peace of mind . With the au pair , there is an additional personal relationship that does not exist with a live - out nanny . All of these things make for a more smooth childcare experience . The best part of having the au pair is that they are there in the morning and you do not have to wait for them to arrive . If you are making the switch from nanny to au pair , I would advise you to read this blog carefully and create a family handbook before the au pair arrives . I would lean towards being strict about everything with au pairs in the beginning and only give way on certain issues as the relationship develops . I think that the biggest mistake first time host parents make is to be too lenient about things that really matter to them . Good luck ! Hi all - I 'm the original mom that sent in the question and I 've enjoyed reading all the responses ! Thank you so much for your insights . As I stated in my original e - mail to the blog , I 've had 4 nannies in 4 years . They have all been very different and I 've certainly learned what is important to our family . It 's changed over the years from taking care of babies to pre - schoolers . My youngest is not yet potty trained but now I have more experience myself ( I have to say that my nanny at the time * was * more experienced then me as she had been an aupair and then a live in nanny for a prior family ) . As many have stated , for us it comes down to flexibility and cost . In my area , nannies make $ 700 + a week ( for 45 hours ) and we also hire a seperate cleaning person . All my nannies actually help ( ed ) alot with cooking and clean up and I 've never had a nanny refuse to do laundry for the whole family . We had one nanny who quit after 2 weeks ( my older son was too spirited ) and we had one nanny who was very controlling and I butted heads with alot ( though she did help us with the potty training … her authoritative nature helped in that area : - > ) She left and went back to her country after 6 months . Our current nanny has been with us 1 year and we love her . She 's more experienced but behaves more like a grandmother . The kids LOVE her but she lacks in the discipline area ( and my spirted older does need discipline ) . So , I guess really , it helps to know what you need , set expectations up front , and be flexible but willing to " rematch " when it isn 't working ! ! With nannies or with au pairs . ( Oh , and to the point that others made about coming to birthday parties . We have always invited our nannies to our kids parties . And though I know they love the kids , they have never attended . Our first nanny had a second job as a cleaning person and didn 't come . Plus , she was very nervous about her English . The last more grandmotherly nanny is deathly afraid of bad weather and didn 't feel she could venture out in the wintNJnanny Have a Question ? Please email your question to mom at aupairmom dot com . Check the tab at the top - - " Need some advice ? " - - for particulars . Also , search the blog thoroughly . The ' Welcome ! ' menu has details for finding earlier conversations & posts .

well i have had a couple ideas for blogs but no pictures to go with them , we have not been able to get our act together and get something set up to transfer new pics onto this computer . i think that will be today 's project . just read a friend 's blog that was talking a bit about how narcissistic fb is and often blogs are like christmas letters , ( she was not saying that is her view point , just that it was topic of conversation ) which got ME thinking as well , but here is MY conclusion , and since your reading MY blog you must care what I think ! lol if you don 't then i recommend stopping at any point in this sentence and finding something different to do with your time ! lol i think that is the point of facebook and blogging , it 's to write down what is going on in your life so your friends and family can stay up on it , when they want to and if they want to . how stupid would it be for me to write what my friend is doing when you may not know my friend ! and i would rather read what my friends are doing on their blogs when i have time and that way i am more likely to keep my opinions on what they are doing to myself , where if i was talking to them i may A ) interrupt when i shouldn 't B ) give what my opinion is too quickly C ) roll my eyes unconsciencely ( is that a word ? ) so i mean really it is a way of saving friendships and hurt feelings if you think about it . lol and on facebook , if they are really annoying or too vulgur , i can delete or hide them and no big deal ( except for the ones that don 't get the hint and keep friend requesting you ) . so if you are a half empty kind of person , you could see all the faults in this new way of communication , or if you are a half full kind of person you can see all the benefits and put up with the negatives . i see it as a way to rekindle old friendships and not have to tell the same story 20 million times ! i also see it as a journal of sorts . and you know what , really when we look back years from now , do we really want to reread and remember the bad stuff , or the christmas letters ? i prefPosted by so this weekend frankie had a couple of funnies ! one , when in the car to visit his gran ( who was running late so we didnt ' get to see her then ) he informed me of the difference between " young girls and old girls " evidently young girls are more frisky and old girls are more laid back and take it easy and enjoy life ! now you are probably thinking the same thing i was at that time , so i asked him what he meant by frisky ! he said , you know , they like to go out to parties and are into all that relationshiop stuff , blah blah blah , yuck ! ( hee hee ) oh , ok i said , so what age is frisky and what age is not , he said , well the old ladies start to settle down when they are about in their early 40 's no 50 's and they start to wind down , but gran doesn 't really follow that rule , she is more like the younger ones , but mom you are more like the older ones ! thanks frank ! lol i think part of that came about from when he was on the phone with his gran and she told him she was going to a football game , and he couldn 't believe she was into football , so after a minute or two he said to her , ok well i 'll let you go so you can get to figuring out what football souviner ( sp ? ) you want , the bobble head or the stadium . lololol ! then this morning , he was watching the movie annie with gracie , it was twords the end as they had watched the majority yesterday before bed , and annie was starting to sing again and he goes , gosh she sings like every 5 minutes ! can 't she act a little more and sing a little less ! i said frankie , that 's why it 's called a musical , he goes , geesh ! ALSO on the Frankie front , he started taking these writing classes through a program at the highschool for the elementary kids . he completed his first assignment on the first day from the first day , and i must say , even if i am biased , i think it 's pretty good ! ALL ABOUT ME by Frankie Toth age 11I am Frankie TothI am creative and imaginaryI wonder about my future , and what God has in store for meI hear the sound of the rainforest from the radioI see my future unfold with every Posted by i was writing an email to a friend to update her on a few things around here and decided it would be good to post on here , as sorta a journal entry for years later to see what was going on . it 's really not interesting so if you are not family you might want to skip this entry , but for our records i am posting / blogging it ! lol the kids and chris dug up some of the potatoes a couple of weekends ago now that alot of the garden is dead . we still have some pumpkins , watermelons and tomatoes still hanging in there , but i think once the pumpkins are all ripe i will till up the whole garden to prepare for next year , i would rather do that kind of work when the weather is cool than hot ! lol the berry plants all seem to have started off really good this year , i am anxious to see how they produce next year as well as being able to harvest some of those huge rhubarb stalks that grew this year ! checked on the new trees today as well and they seem to have taken off height wise . the grapes plants are not very big except the front corner one , it has really taken off . i dont know if the others aren 't getting enough sun or not , will see what happens next year . i am ready to get out there and clean up this yard now that the weather is cooler and plan for next year . frankie is getting over a bad case of bronchitis , has had alot of problems breathing . he just had pnemonia a few weeks ago ! so i don 't know what 's going on with him . gracie has not been doing too bad , knock on wood . her dry patches are starting to come back , but it happened after we reintroduced nailpolish on her nails again , so it may be she just will not ever be able to wear that . she is NOT happy about that , but I didn 't design her skin ! lol she has to take it up with God ! lolchris is in scottland til next friday . then he goes to kansas the following tues and then maybe to london for a few weeks in november , so i will be holding down the fort by myself for most of the next few months ! lol i might actually get alot done ! glad i precooked alot of those meals in the deep fPosted by I was recently thinking , well , ok i was thinking TODAY , how much i say to my kids " it 's never ENOUGH with you " . Funny thing , God very often enlightens us to OUR behavior through children , doesn 't He ! I remember back through the years how i would think , if only we had this , if only we had that ! and when i get this or that , sure enough , it 's not how appreciative i am , ( well i am for a short period of time ) but " oooo , now if i only had this or if i only had that " . i remember sitting in my sunday school class years ago as a teenager , and the teacher teaching on this very thing , and it has stuck with me and alot of times i try to refocus . but more often than not , it 's back to this and that . ( btw this picture has nothing to do with this blog but i thought it was funny to look at ) for a long time now i have been facinated with old black and white movies . and i watch them ( now i know it 's still tv / movie land and not totally the same as real life back them ) and think how simple things were back then , yet people seemed so much more happy and satisfied . the question i find myself asking now is , why is it so hard to go back to that simpicity today , even when we want to . my answer . . . . . the busy stuff addiction ! it is stronger than any drug ! yet we often find ourselves thinking , the latest and greatest invention to make life " easier " so wonderful ! i mean i bought a stupid thing to pick up pet hair off the furniture , hello ! what is wrong with the vaccum or some masking tape ! or how about the carwash thing you hook your hose up to , umm when i was a kid WE were the thing you attached your hose to , to wash your car ! how many different " wands " are out there to clean your toilet , what happened to using your yellow gloved covered hand . . . . ( ok i DO own a wand , BUT i can clean the inside of my toilet if i run out of the little sponges that attatch to it , if i had to ! ) seriously , i realized how bad it was , when one day i ran out of crockpot liners , and thought oh no , now i can 't fix that meal i wanted to . . . . . hellllloooo ! oh no , now i haAngela Toth first of all , i can 't believe how much i have been blogging ! blame it on my not wanting to post on FB anymore ! lol so all my random thoughts end up on here ! lol ok this morning my thoughts were on my BFF 's through out the different season 's of my life . they are as listed : my little cousin Ashley = she is my BFF connection to my past , family and forever will be future . she is very wry , witty and funny ! she is also the totally responsible adult i don 't think anyone else in our family ever became ! lol i love and adore her and she will forever be my little miss kitty ! next in line is my friend Debbie = she is my BFF / confidant / advice giver since high school . she has you look at all sides of the coin , she probably coined the term " save the drama for your mama " calm , collected , always ready to laugh at a situation rather than cry over it . plus she is my ideal for raising kids , she turned out 2 of the best ones i ever knew ! she will always be the second mom ( the one who i couldn 't get in trouble with ) who always had an answer for me . then came along Lynette ! = she is my , if i were in a pickle , she was probably right there in the same pickle BFF ! we do tend to get ourselves into some messes ! we want the same things in life , and we both have a tendency to put our foots in our mouths . she is the one you can look at and you both just burst out laughing cuz we 've done the same thing ! think susan meyer on desperate housewives ! lol lynette is my " i 've fallen and can 't get up " friend , and if anyone can ever empathize it 's her ! lol i know if anyone would ever understand me and my predicaments , it 's her ! lola little after lynette came along , Christi better known as " Tee " came along ! = she is my hallmark BFF . she is the one who lives up to what most think is not really attainable . if she wants to do something , she does it . no obstacle too large . you know when you read a card and think well no one can be that perfect in life , she is ! she also is my , no matter how many miles , or how much time or how different our paths are , she will alAngela Toth so i was a working mom this weekend . i filled in for my mom at the model home she sits at on the weekends . let me tell you , it was a crazy weekend ! i can now really appreciate NOT working outside of my home especially on the weekends ! it started off sounding easy , even enjoyable ! 6 hrs of quiet time to myself ! HA ! saturday , i had to go in a half hour early cuz i needed to leave a half hour early , to make a friends ' daughter 's wedding . well , i had gone in last weekend with my mom so she could show me what all i needed to do ( which is not much , so i figured , eh no big deal i can handle this ) and she said , " and you can always call me if you have any questions " . so i knew i needed to take some stuff to do , there was no computer , no phone ( except my cell ) and 6 hrs to kill . so i loaded my bag up with sewing , and reading and a microwave meal , and the present and wrapping paper to wrap said present for the wedding , needless to say , my hands were quite full ! so i unlock the door , and head in . . . . i hear this beeping noise , like when you have an alarm system . . . . . hmmmm , mom didn 't say anything about an alarm , maybe it 's just cuz the front door is open , so i go in , lay all my stuff down , shut the door . . . . . . . hmmmm still beeping . . . . that 's weird . . . . . . whoooo whoooo whoooo . . . . alarm is going off ! so i try to call mom to figure out what to do . . . . no answer ! . . . . . so i tried calling the guy at the other model . . . . . . . no answer ! ughhh ! so i tried calling mom again . . . . . . no answer ! now the alarm is SCREAMING at this point ! . . . . so i tried my dad 's cell phone . . . . . thank the Lord for dads ! ! ! . . . . he answers and puts mom on ( who had just happened at the time i was arriving to have been " indisposed " with out phone ! ) so she gives me the code , and is hollaring about who in the world turned the alarm on , she NEVER turns the alarm on ( nor even told me about the alarm ! ) . . . . . . . so i get the alarm off , call the " boss man " at the other model , he says , " oh you should ' nt have any problems , there is no phone line there so it 's not hooked into the police dept Posted by well he had a great time ! flat rock was a huge success except for the fact he didn 't get to see the animals ! lol he did have a hard time sleeping it sounds , which is why once we got home he fell asleep and stayed asleep all night ! when we went to pick them up , i told my friend jenifer , i can 't wait to hug him and hold him in my arms again ! and she said i probably shouldn 't do that in front of his friends , but i told her , for now , luckily he does not mind , and sure enough as soon as he saw me he ran into my arms ! i will take what i can get for as long as i can get it ! then as i look at him , i start to say " i told you that is an undershirt , you are only to wear it with your pajamas " but i only go to the undershirt part and look down and sure enough he is still wearing his pajamas at 2 o ' clock in the afternoon ! ! ! i said why are you wearing your pajamas ? he shrugged and said , they never told us to change ! ( wide eyes here ) are you kidding me ! you are in the 5th grade and you have to be told to change out of your pajamas and into regular clothes for the day ! ! ! ! you have got to be kidding me ! lol but the last laugh was on him ! i took him to steak and shake to get a milkshake and let him tell me about the trip while killing time before we had to pick up gracie and he goes " we 're going in ? ! ! ! " i said yup ! guess your wishing now you had changed out of those pj 's huh ! lol so he zipped up his jacket and away we went , he was not going to let his attire stop him from getting a milkshake ! so i asked about the night hike , he said ms . mckenzie started yelling out like a crazy lady ! she SAID she was making the sounds of owls and that if we ever hear what we think is a crazy guy in the woods it is probably an owl . but it freaked me out and i didn 't want to go on until mrs . curtis promised she wouldn 't be yelling out like that anymore ! so while frankie was gone , chris was gone AND my mom was gone , i decided to do something special with gracie . so yesterday after school i took her out to eat , she chose moe 's which was good since kids ePosted by i wish when we became friends with someone , there was a warning label on ones who just want to be friends when you are perfect in their eyes and when you can do things for them . then you could just avoid them and avoid alot of the hurt they would bring you in the future . and in contrast , there could be a sign on others that say , there for the good and bad , for when you agree and disagree , when you can help them and they can help you , to share in your joys and your sorrows , to lift you up when your down , to allow you to lift them up when they are down , and to celebrate the good things that happen instead of resenting you for them and for you to rejoice in their good fortune as well . and then there are some friends even that would maybe say , friendship better with age , meaning you will appreciate and enjoy them better when you are older ! lol thank goodness , i have had more of the latter in my life , but it sure doesn 't take the sting out of the effects of the before mentioned . but thankfully , when i get stung i have many of the good friends there , to catch me , heal me and pick me back up ! i thank God most of all for being the model of the good friend ! now if i can just keep my eyes on HIM instead of the warning labels , maybe i could build an immunity to the ones with warning labels ! thanks to jill , i now know how to upload pics and am able to give my blog a new name , not very original , but who knows what it may change to ! so now if i could just take pics as good as jill , we all could be happy ! lol i am thinking . . . . always scary , ( no comment from the peanut gallery about that , we already know ) , i may go back through old pics and pick out fun ones so i can post with the stories . the date of the posting may not be accurate but the memories will be there just the same ! who needs to scrapbook when you can blog ! wait did i say that , well yes , cuz then i don 't have to worry about the blog being lost in a fire or tornado ! however i have a feeling i will continue to scrapbook when i get the chance , but like cara said , atleast i will have a timeline reference ! AND that is why i need to be on here more ! lol good thing reading a blog is optional ! blame jill , her blog inspired me , & blame jenifer , she showed me the blog thing to begin with ! blame cara and lynette for anything you want . i 'm sure there was something in there to blame them for ! lol ok , so i think ( i probably should have reread the last post ) i told how frankie had pnemonia last week , pretty sure i did . well , he had a hard time breathing this morning and he finished the antibiotic yesterday , so back we went to the dr who was running an hour behind . ( i 'll tell you the conclusion now , we had to go get an xray cuz he couldn 't hear anything and didn 't know why he had a hard time breathing , we will get results tommorow ) BTW , i forgot to put on my last post , frankie had been hacking and coughing up phlem forever before we went to the dr . So when we got there and they went to weigh him , he informed the nurse , " i might weigh slightly more due to all this phlem i have built up in here " lol . well while waiting in the room , frankie notices the thing on the wall with all the medical brochures on all kinds of issues ! lol so the nurse came in , . . . . question time ! he wanted to know what osteoporosis ( sp ? ) was and she said it 's when your bones start to disengrate , well he wanted to know is it because of something in your blood , or what , well she couldn 't answer , so then he wanted to know what acid reflux was , but before she finished he said " oh is that just a medical word for heart burn ? " then onto depression , " well if depression is a mental problem , how can it effect you physically " . . . . she looked at me and i said , " try to walk , not run , out of the room when your done , and please don 't tell the dr frankie is on a quizitive streak , or he may take longer to get in here " lol but truthfully , dr miller loves to indulge frankie and does not leave the room until frankie had asked all his questions and dr miller has answered them to the satisfaction of frank ! even on a day when he is running an hour behind ! we have an awesome dr ! now onto the mole ! earlier in the year ( btw this part is probably not for the weak at stomach ) i had been gardening and i look over and hunter is tossing a mole up in the hair , letting it fall then doing it again , ( never said he was the smartest dog , but he is the sweetest ) . well i went over Posted by ok , so i had decided i make too much of a fool of myself in front of too many people on facebook , i really should just concentrate on my blog and stay off of facebook so much . good idea you may say , EXCEPT then i go to my friend jill 's blog . it is magazine worthy ! and i have a plain as you can be , boring , don 't even know how to put pictures on here blog ! so the debate continues . however i do like the idea of writing down the funny ( to me anyway ) things my kids say . change of subject , we had friends over for game night last friday , my friend brought a " pokey hole cake " now my mom had made this before when i was younger , it was great , i tried to make it , figured you just bake a cake poke some holes in it , pour the pudding wham , pokey hole cake ! well once again i failed ! it was a soggy mess ! so when sue brought hers , it was delicious , ( the fact that i am still obsessed with this cake a week later , shows how good it was and the fact i am too obsessed with sweets ! ) so i made her write down the step by step directions ! evidently i left out a couple steps that make all the difference in the world ! so i am attempting to make one for the family tonite , if frankie likes it i am hoping to make one for his birthday in 2 weeks . only due to his love of mint chocolate , i will make a chocolate cake with chocolate mint pudding on top ! ! wish me luck ! ok the one consolation to no pics is i feel i can go on longer ! lol last week gracie was home for 3 days from school due to her allergy skin testing . where they put strips on her back and she couldn 't sweat , get hot , or get wet for 48 hrs , so . . . . 3 days . . . . . home . . . . all day . . . . . can 't even ask her to clean her room . . . . . . tape comes off , . . . . . . NOTHING ! so we still don 't even know what her skin is reacting too ! THEN this week , frankie had been coughing his lungs out and so i finally took him in to the dr . . . . . . PNEMONIA ! AGAIN ! so he was home for 3 days this week ! i am ready for peace and quiet next week . chris will be gone to texas for work , mom and dad are going to michigan , and even frankiePosted by ok , now that i have updated on my garden what not to do , i will update everything else , not that anyone but me really reads this , my official record will be up to date ! my father in law passed away this summer . we were able to get there right before he died . i was concerned about how my kids would do seeing him . i was torn between feeling they needed their last memories to be of how he used to be vs seeing him one last time to say goodbye . i think frankie did great , he was not scared at all . my father in law did not look anything like himself , and was not even really conscience for more than about 20 sec at a time , but frankie stayed by his side , patted his hand and and head and was able to get him to open his mouth for his meds . gracie was very quiet , she did not say a hole lot . then at the funeral , frankie again patted his head and straightened his tie when we went up to the casket to say our final goodbyes . both kids lost it when chris lost it . then when we walked away frankie said he thought he was gonna be sick so i rushed him out of there . other than that , both kids did remarkably well . they also did well considering being stuck in a hotel room for most of the 10 days we were there . also had to move 3 times to 3 different hotels . but their uncle frank and aunt carol were great and two of the days , took them out to do something fun . frankie impressed them with his knowledge of the names of the different flowers . gracie blessed them with her non stop chatter ! lol and her inability to keep a secret even if it meant she did not get ice cream two days in a row ! lolwe got back in time to get ready for school . both kids leave at the same time this year which is a huge blessing . i am already hearing frankie stories from people at school . i was informed he has been made the official " information specialist " in his class , he said he was so excited to finally get to share all the information he had stored up in his head ! the latest story at this time , is that frankie felt it necessary to tell his class about the matingPosted by Things i have learned from my first year of gardening ! i have learned alot this year on what NOT to do and what NEEDS to be done next year ! lol but thanks to all the praying i did , God still saw fit to allow me a pretty good bounty . i have been sharing with family and friends . did not have enough of greenbeans to can , but have had enough for a couple of meals , def did not plant enough corn , but have been able to have an ear or two for each of us at a couple meals , and boy is it good ! ! ! will def plant lots of that next year ! tomatoes . . . . learned an important lesson , just because they have so much room when they are small does not mean you can ignore the rules of how far apart to put them ! lol AND you need to really cage them ! little green thin bamboo sticks can not be considered staking them . lol however ! we have finally got them ripening up and have been blessed enough to share with lots of others , and i learned i do not need so many cherry tomatoe plants ! loli learned i need to learn recipes and the " how to " on canning BEFORE the harvest comes inmy potatoes , well let 's just say , ya , ummmm i don 't know , but i think next year i will keep adding dirt on them and have a seperate garden ( with out grass ! ) for them . in fact we learned from connor prairie to give each vegetable it 's own little square patch of several rows , that seemed nice . but i never got but the one bloom on the potatoes but tonya told me it would be ok to go ahead and dig them up , not sure what i will discover but i am thinking i will not be needing all the storage room i thought for my potatoes , & glass jars full of freshly canned veggies etc . . . so we have longer to plan the root cellar idea ! loli have had tremendous luck with zucchini , and pumpkins . seriously , chris calls zucchini the herpes of the vegetable garden ( don 't know if that was appropriate to type but that is what he said ) ( & ya , i learned i really need to hold off from planting the pumpkins too early and that they spread realllllllly far ! lol ) but i have shredded and frozen lots of zucchinPosted by ok , so i started working out " regularly " at the YMCA this week . today is thursday , my arms are shaky even to hold the phone to my ear . . . i ache all over . . . . i am tired in the middle of the day , i thought working out and getting healthy was supposed to make you feel better . . . . . lol ! in other news , gracie caught her mom in a breach of protocol . i have been on her lately about not inviting herself over to people 's houses . well since we had to cancel her birthday party . . . twice ! due to illness , my friend jenifer said she was going to bring gracie 's present over to her . well i needed to go out anyway , so i figured i would save her from having to get out and i said to her " well would you just like us to stop by there instead " and gracie yelled " mom you said we aren 't supposed to invite ourselves over to freinds ' houses ! " how do you explain that one . . . . lol and one other topic . . . . journaling . in an effort to improve things around here , i have been reading up on several different projects , one , raised bed , squarefoot gardening , two the possiblilty of raising chickens , three getting and keeping my house organized , obviously if i am going to be working out i need to learn more about nurtrition , saving money , and ofcourse , i am continuing my quest to grow more spiritually with my discipilship program . Here is what i have discovered , journals ! journals , journals . you are supposed to keep a gardening journal , a food journa , an excersise journal , a housekeeping journal , a daily in the word journal , a journal of prices at the store which store , and what , where and when , a chicken journal ( well actually they haven 't said that yet but i am sure it is in one of the books i have gotten ) so tell me while i am spending all this time writing , when am i supposed to find time to garden , feed the chickens , go shopping , feed myself , work out and clean my house , oh and read the bible ? on top of everything else . . . . hmmmm any ideas ? i guess if i forgo sleep . . . . . ok so a trip the doctors office with frankie usually ends in a good frankie story . he did not fail me today . the dr said he thinks he strained his abdominal wall / lining with all the hacking he 's been doing . and that if he takes it easy for the next week he should feel better . so frankie asked " sooo what do you think about school , should i stay home and take it easy ? " and he asked if he meant for the next week or today and frankie said both , and he goes , well you should be able to go to school next week , but you could stay home the rest of today , and i said , well wait a minute before you say that , you need to know he stayed home mon and tues already , and the doctor said well doesn 't he get out in like an hour and i said oh no , 3 : 40 ! and he goes , ooohhhh well then you can go back to school ! and frankie goes " oh mom ! why did you have to tell him that ! " and i said well he needs all the facts before making a diagnosis , isn 't that what you said last time , and he goes " all the medical facts , not school facts ! lolalso another funny , which may be tmi , but the nurse asked when he last pooped and frankie started to answer , stopped and goes " oh wait , ooohhh ! you mean a GOOD poop ? wednesday , ya , yesterday was just pellets " thought since i actually have blogged in the past , but on myspace , i would transfer them onto here . August 17 , 2008 - SundaySavings Bondsok , so my kids get savings bonds every year from their grandparents . i know they can 't appreciate them now , but those things are how i bought my first 3 , yes THREE cars ! so i am pleased they get them . fast forward to this week . and by the way , we found a wonderful home for the one beagle and have decided to give the other one a whirl with being just one . ok back on track to the story now . so we went to uncle bill 's pet shop to try to find the " pet i cure " thing that files their nails as i am a big wus when it comes to trimming dogs nails , evidently this time we can 't find a " as seen on tv " place that has one . so anyway , once again i digress ( however you spell it ) so we walk in and the kids immediately see this gorgeous brown little dachshund puppy ! i immediately fall in love , and ask how much it was ( which could lead to a whole other blog ) and she said $ 699 . woah ! so the kids are begging and i said i do not have $ 700 to spend on a dog ! well they are still whining and so chris and i said ok , you save up half and we will match it , knowing they will never save that up . so they come home and gracie is getting out her money and have her savings bond papers , and said look mom i got it , i said no honey you have to be 18 to cash those , to which she replied , well that doesn 't do me any good now ! why did we have to get these stupid things ! i told her she would appreciate them when she was 18 . so fast forward , my mom was taking me and my husband out to eat that night and my friend barb was taking the kids for us , ( ok i promise the part you 've been waiting for is finally coming ) and she leaves with them and calls me back and says so the kids were telling me a bout the dog and about the savings bonds and she said the kids asked her since she was over 18 if she would cash them for them ! guess i should have specified THEY needed to be 18 not anyone over 18 ! ok if you didn 't find this funny thenPosted by ok i love reading what my friends are doing so i can keep up when i have time . i also want to be better about journaling what my kids do and say , i wish i started this along time ago so i could have written down alot more , as they can be pretty funny especially looking back later . i do not pretend to be smart or interesting , i am doing this for me and my family , so if you find it boring don 't read it . i am sure some things will be good and others just for documentation purposes ! lol . so this is the first one . i will state in this blog that my kids are defective , they are always breaking . i have spent the last three weeks , yes three , pretty much a month 's time dealing with something on my daughter , the first was a spranged wrist , the next week she had a rash head to toe and a fever of 101 then this past weekend started with her having to be picked up at school as she had the stomach flu . we had to reschedule her birthday party to this past weekend and then she not only missed the v - day party at school but had to cancel her b - day party for the second time . poor baby . ok not an interesting or uplifting blog , but neither has the last few weeks been . i will use more time to write next time , when i don 't have work to do , cool lots to cut out , crayon rolls needing to be sewn , groceries to put away , pictures to be taken and things to be sold . oh ya and webkinz to play . . . . . heehee ! Grace : " mom , why is iguana illegal ? Me : frowning at her " what ? ! " . . . . then it hits me " you mean marijuana ? " Grace : " ya marijuana . . . " Gracie : " mom can i go downstairs and get on the computer ? " Mom : " Ask your dad " Gracie : ( exasperated ) " Why can 't i just be a free american and do what i want ! " Mom : " go ask your dad if your allowed to be a free american " From Frankie ; Mom is like a bloodclot in the flow of life . Get her in a crowd and she stops it up . * * This came after i evidently took too long after church talking to another lady . . . .

I have some news and it 's pretty ruddy terrific . I have been nominated in the lifestyle category of the Cosmo Blog Awards 2012 , for this very blog , the one you are reading right now with your beautiful eyes . It 's just about the greatest thing in the world , don 't you agree ? But rather than just salute myself , say ' thanks for your vote ' and move on , I thought I 'd tell you a little story about my journey to this moment . It all started when I discovered Mum 's typewriter . I used to churn out a story a day and although I don 't know if Mum kept the stacks of paper I piled up , I wouldn 't blame her for fueling fires with them . They were , in hindsight , absolute drivel . My mind would wander and wander and my protagonist would not have any kind of disruption to their equilibrium , which needed resolving , possibly with added love interest . ( Formula for all good stories . Think about it . ) Instead , my protagonist would just sort of do nothing , but I could write about him or her for pages and pages . Then I 'd declare the story finished , shout : ' MUM ! I HAVE FINISHED IT ! ' and chuck it at her . She would then painstakingly read it . ( If I was the mother in this scenario , reading it would otherwise be known as sleeping ) and tell me that it was another cracking story . I grew up , I did , and honed the old story telling craft . Mostly by having the gift of the gab at parties and seeing which stories went down well and which ones bored the bejesus out of my audience . I used to start anecdotes about two years in time before the point of interest , until someone told me to know what was waffle and what was icing . Then I got a new boyfriend , who I am now marrying . And the reason I am marrying him can be summed up by this : he bought me this here blog . He listened when I told him I liked writing but didn 't have an outlet for it . He bought the blog , set me up , and away I went . That 's the kind of guy I want to marry . That was a few years ago now . I kept up the writing , and now , boom shakalaka , Cosmo have noticed my efforts . I am so thrilled that I had to take an afternoon off when I heard the news , just so I could spend four hours doing cartwheels and humping said boyfriend 's leg , in an effort to not only show him my appreciation but also try and find a way to burn off all the pent up energy . I 'd do much the same cartwheel slash hump regime if I won the lottery . Who knows what will happen next . I 'll probably win the Cosmo award , be invited to become a columnist , then the people who represent Caitlin Moran will call and ask me to write a book . ' Here 's £ 100 , 000 , upfront , you talented little sausage ! ' they 'll say . Presumably . Or I 'll just carry on beavering away . Either way , the cartwheels have been turned now , the leg has been humped . I 'm a very happy blogger . Please keep reading , and tell your friends to too . And that bloke at the bus stop . And your boss . And feel free to blackmail them into voting for me . I absolutely endorse it . Please do click the link below to vote for me - you have to enter your email address , then find me on the lifestyle page . I am Kim Willis , by the way . Forever in your debt . Ah … the Olympics . What a jolly exciting time . For those Brits lucky enough to be in the thick of it , it 'll be an Olympics to remember forever . For me , it 's old hat . It 's not my first Olympics , you see . And I 'm far less involved in the London Olympics than I was in the Sydney Olympics . While some of you saved lives and built villages on your gap yarrrrs , I pulled some strings and got myself a job at the Sydney Olympics . My dad 's kind of a big deal in the sailing world and he had it organised that I 'd be a trolley dolly . I move in high circles when I pull strings . My job involved helping sailors get their boats from the boat park to the water , then putting their boat trolleys back while they went and won medals . I was quite good at it , actually . Trolleys can be difficult to navigate , I 'll have you know . Being in the midst of the Olympian mayhem was unforgettable . And although I was just a humble volunteer trolley dolly , my dad was Mr Big Wig , so I got to be his plus one at all the fancy events . I 've gone with Dad to a lot of fancy events in my time - he 's always been single and I 've always been willing to be his well behaved daughter , showing off to his friends how articulate and well brought up I am , in return for some free flights to foreign climes . But there 's one thing I always request - at these lavish dinner parties , where the average age of attendee is 60 , and the average topic of conversation is yachts , knots and political boycotts , I just want to sit next to my dad . And so it was , as we walked from our hotel to the black tie , invite only , exclusive dinner laid on by the Sydney Olympics , that I reminded Dad about my request . ' Don 't forget Dad , I want to sit next to you . ' As Dad is the aforementioned big deal , we were on the top table . I 'm fine with that . I 'll bosh out my best anecdotes , eat with a knife and fork and won 't even lick my plate . I can pretend I 'm not feral when needed . But as we approached our designated seats at the top table , some bloke sitting on the opposite side of the table beckoned me over . He didn 't even speak , he just pointed at me , pointed at the seat next to him , and immediately people were shuffling out of the way to make room for me next to him . Well , of course , I had nothing to worry about , Dad and I had our agreement . I looked over at Dad expectantly , ready for him to explain to this man that I already had a seat and it was next to my old man . Dad just sort of waved me over there dutifully , and then a waiter had my elbow and I was on my way to sitting nowhere near my dad , and instead next to a man who had ordered for me . Not happy . I sat down in a huff at this black tie dinner , Sydney Olympics . Who was this bloke who thinks he can decide who sits next to him ? In retrospect , Dad might have thought to mention to me that we were going to be sitting with royalty . I proceed to make light conversation with the stranger who had demanded my presence . ' I 'm Kim , ' I say . ' What 's your name ? ' He laughs so hard the table actually shook , as everyone around him sort of laughed along politely in an ' anything you laugh at must be funny , your majesty , ' sort of way . ' Don 't you know who I am ? ' he asked . God , bit arrogant , I thought . ' No , ' I say . Because I don 't . Not a clue . So far all I 've surmised is that he 's a bit demanding . He hands me his accreditation . This being the Olympics , we 've all got our ID hanging around our necks . HM King Constantine . Hmmm , I think to myself , none the wiser , seeing as I 'm thick as two short planks . HM - those must be his initials . I 've got initials , he must have some too . King - a nickname ? King Constantine - a double barreled surname ? I hand his ID back to him , the penny a long way from dropping . ' She still doesn 't know who I am ! ' he bellows , banging his fist down on the table in delight . Then the woman to his right leans over . ' You are sitting next to the King of Greece , ' she whispers . Well , that was embarrassing . Thanks for the heads up Dad . I managed to turn the situation around with a heavy dose of flirting . He loved that I didn 't know who he was and I was soon scribbling down his phone number while he made promises about helping me on my gap year . As I was wearing a pocketless dress , I had to hand the King 's scribbled down phone number over to my dad . Now that 's one scrap of paper I wish I still had . Embarrassment subsided , King got bored of me and started talking to his right . So I turn to the handsome chap to my left . ' Whoops , ' I laughed , pointing to the King with my thumb as I rolled my eyes and shook my head in a ' what 's he like , silly King ! ' sort of way . Not sure if you 're allowed to point at kings with your thumbs . Young handsome man to my left smiles sweetly . ' I 'm Kim , ' I say . ' What 's your name ? ' And so began the entire sequence all over again with HM King Constantine 's son , the Prince . Well done Kim , well done , a double whammy of social faux pas . I even asked them why , if they 're the Royal Family , they don 't live in Greece . ( Exiled since in 1974 . Political minefield . Probably best not to mention it . ) I was 18 years old . I didn 't read newspapers , I was ignorant and my subscription to the Week didn 't commence for another ten years . My name is Kim and I 'm a wet blanket . A wuss . A scaredy cat . I don 't know why . Or when it started . But somewhere along the line , I 've become a big girl 's blouse . Let 's say that you 've just asked me if I want to do a bungee jump . Cue mild sweats , fast thinking ways to avoid the situation , and notes to self never to answer the phone to you again . Or maybe you 've got a really good idea for my hen do - we 're going swimming with sharks . ( Note to hens - we better not be . ) My throat would tighten , a sound night 's sleep would be out the window , as would our friendship . My fear of adrenalin was highlighted this weekend , with a visit to see a girlfriend who is in the RAF and flies fighter jets every day . This friend , she gets up in the morning , puts on her boiler suit , probably a pair of Aviators , and heads down to the RAF airfield where she pops herself into the cockpit of a killing machine and takes to the skies . One day , she 'll go to war . Now , you might have already painted a picture in your mind of what this friend of mine might be like . Doing one handed press - ups in her own time , eating steak for breakfast . Doing arm wrestles with her co - pilot . Allow me to quash any stereotypes . She has soft , floaty blonde hair . She loves a good pedicure , she wears dresses and drinks white wine . She 's planning a wedding , a big white wedding , she has a diamond ring on her finger . Not exactly Iceman . ( Top Gun reference there for the lads . ) Yet , Iceman is exactly what she is . A fearless Maverick . While I 'm more wouldn 't say boo to a Goose . ( Top Gun analogy losing its way there lads . ) ' What scares you ? ' I asked her , wondering if spiders and bungee jumps and roller coasters and caves and heights and sharks give her the willies , as they do me . ' I nearly crashed mid air the other day , ' she said , off hand . ' That was a bit scary . ' Tough as old boots , this one . And just two generations ago , my own flesh and blood was just as hardcore . Grandma Willis , she flew Spitfires in the war . She was one of the first women to get her RAF wings and paved the way for my friend 's career . Meanwhile , her actual descendant , at best , edges towards spiders with a pint glass and a piece of card before running off in the other direction squealing : ' Nevermind , he can move in , we 'll move out ! ' I never have and never will jump out of a plane . I know people who have . ' I was terrified , ' they say . No , you weren 't , you can 't have been . Not properly terrified , like me , because if you really were terrified , you would have locked yourselves in the loo and refused to come out , ( Actually , I 'm also afraid of locking myself in the loo . Usually I just prop the door shut with my foot and wee while sort of straddling the space between the door and loo . It makes for a sorry mess but better than running out of oxygen and drinking loo water while awaiting rescue , which is what I presume will happen if I lock the door . ) At best , get me drunk and I 'll suddenly turn into Jack Bauer , doing roly polys into hedges and waking up with scratches on my arms . Pretty brave , Jack Bauer . As am I , when I risk life and limb impersonating him . But I 'm also drunk . And drunk 's no good when you need to fly a plane , or swim with a shark , or get on a roller coaster . Definitely not the last one , you 'd sick all over yourself . When the world ends , people like my RAF friend will be alright . Me ? As soon as I run out of contact lenses , I 'll be done for . No one is going to care that I can put together a few words in a fancy sentence when they 're battling invading alien hoardes and whatnot . No , it really is time to strap on a pair . And so , I 've taken step one towards ditching the poltroon behaviour . I have just been reconditioned to believe I am not afraid of the ocean . A hippy told me that it was just a childhood fear of a swimming pool cleaning machine ( it looked like a shark ) and I needed to let go . Good news - it worked . Just call me Billy Ocean . I have booked in a windsurfing lesson on my upcoming honeymoon , in a bay that used to be called Shark Bay , until they decided it was putting off the tourists and Katie Holmes and I have a lot in common . We 've both got brown hair , we 're both taller than our men in heels . ( That 's us in heels , not our men in heels . ) Both been touched by Scientology . I was wandering up Oxford Street a few years back . Minding my own business , probably laden down with ill advised purchases that I wore once then gave to charity . I do like to do my bit for charity . Not so good at doing my bit for fashion . ' Would you like to do a personality test ? ' someone asked me . ' I love personality tests ! ' I exclaimed , as I was led into a little room and sat down . I was already late for meeting my friend Laurence , but a few minutes wouldn 't hurt and I do take every opportunity going to fill out questionnaires about my personality so I can see who I am . I like it when it turns out I 'm great . I no sooner had the pen in hand when Laurence called to see where I was . ' I 'm doing a personality test ! ' I exclaimed . Quick as a flash , Laurence saved me from a cult . ' You 're on Oxford Street aren 't you ? ' he asked . ' It 's not a personality test . It 's a Scientology test , you dick . Get up and walk away now . ' ' But I want to find out who I am , ' I stuttered . ' I 'll tell you who you are when you meet me in the pub . Do not stay there . ' So I made my excuses and left . Dodged a bullet there , didn 't I , Katie Holmes ? Katie wasn 't so lucky . She went a bit further down the path . Rumour had it she had a silent birth , as is the expectation on mothers in the Church of Scientology . I 'm not a fan of religions . In my opinion , religions appear to be rather flawed . Scientology in particular takes the biscuit . Any religion that expects mothers to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon in silence is spouting pseudo - science and needs to be questioned . L . Ron Hubbard . We all know who he is don 't we ? The science fiction writer who claimed : ' If you want to get rich , start a religion . ' ( Nice one , Jesus . ) L Ron 's dead now , which Scientologists believe means he has been reincarnated into one of the other forms he 'll taPosted by 50 shades of this , 50 shades of that … No , I haven 't read it . No , I 'm not going to . In my blissful state of ignorance , I 'm going to write about it instead . Without having any idea what I 'm talking about . I jump on enough band wagons as it is ( skinny jeans . Ballet pumps . Crush on Channing Tatum . Chai tea . Actually I like to think I started the last one ) but this wagon has way too many band members as it is . I was given Lady Chatterley 's Lover for my birthday . It was written in 1928 . I 'll get around to reading that soon . Then maybe in 84 years I 'll see what all the fuss is about with this Grey character . It 's not that I 'm averse to c - literature . ( Although I am averse to that amalgamation of words . Yuk . ) I love porn . I love whatever I can get my grubby mitts on . And I like , separately , reading . I 'm reading two books at the moment . Bad Science . ( Excellent . Now there 's a band wagon I wish everyone would jump on ) and the Psychopath Test , which I read aloud to my boyfriend every night , like some kind of warped bedtime story . Sometimes we have the window open and I do wonder if our neighbours can hear my dulcet tones as I soothe my boyfriend into the land of dreams by talking about murderers and sociopathic behaviour . And I even once read one of these erotic novels that are now topic de jour . Yeah , that 's right , I read an erotic novel long before any of you knew your Grey from your riding crop . I had joined a book club and one of the girls suggested we all read The Piano Teacher . Dutifully , I went hunting for this book I had never heard of . I went to a cute little church - run bookshop in a cute little church - run town with my soon to be mother in law . We were looking through the books when suddenly I stumbled upon the Piano Teacher . LOOK ! I said to mother in law , shoving it in her face . IT ' S MY READING MATERIAL ! What are the chances ? ! She sort of looked at me a bit funny and went about her day . I bought it and took it home to read in time for my next book club meet - up . From what I recall , The Piano Teacher is about a girl who starts having piano lessons in a sinister university where the teacher whips her ( yes , all erotic novels love a good whipping , it seems ) when she gets her C Major wrong . Bit of an odd book to suggest at a book club with people you hardly know , I thought . But I persevered . I quite enjoyed it . The girl ended up having to get her kit off to be spanked in front of an array of lecturers who were all there to watch her perform / get whipped . I think that was the plot , I 'm a bit hazy now . All I remember was there was a lot of spanking . Anyway , I think we all agreed I was the real winner , enjoyed as I had a bit of soft porn . Christian Grey is described by all the media outlets that are shoving him in my face as a modern - art loving , helicopter flying , rich , powerful man who likes to bonk twice in a row . He sounds like a right knob . I 've met men who like modern art . I 've met men who own their own helicopters . They were rich , yes , powerful , yes . But also pot bellied , dull and sported receding hairlines . Not exactly the stuff of fantasies . My fantasy man , who goes by the name of Channing Tatum , is my crush - of - the - month because he took loads of drugs in the excellent 21 Jump Street , then gate - crashed band practise and jumped through a giant symbol , shouting ' Fuck You Miles Davis ! ' That 's enough for me . Perhaps there is something wrong with my loins . I 'm turned on by funny . It does help that Channing , or Channers , can I call him that ? is built like a dream boat , of course , but that 's what I want . A fit bloke crashing into a drum kit . You can keep your helicopter piloting , chocolate fudge caramel voiced sadist , thanks . Ever wondered how long it takes to walk around the flagship Paperchase store ? It 's three floors high , people . And when you are absorbing every nook and cranny , like some kind of slow - mo Supermarket Sweep , it takes two hours , twenty two minutes . I 'm a very good shopper . I 've been shopping my whole life . Honed my craft , perfected my skills . I know how to navigate every aisle so as to avoid unfortunate doublings up or worse , missing a potential buy . I can even hold conversations while I shop - although my ears are listening to whoever is speaking at me , my eyes are elsewhere , darting left , darting right , never missing a trick . Problem is , most shopping trips cost me money too , so I 've also had to acquire the skill of restraint . I 'm not particularly good at this , but it 's got to be done when you 're saving for a wedding , or just generally more steadfast things than H & M 's latest garments . Like a house . Still , no point having a house if you don 't have a pretty table runner for your kitchen table . I know how to make a house a home . I just don 't own a house . But I own a lot of crap for the one I 'll never be able to afford because I bought too much crap instead of saving for a deposit . So usually I have to practise self restraint . But then along came Amy . Amy 's birthday present to me was a voucher for Paperchase , our mutual spiritual home , filled to busting as it is with greeting cards , birthday cards , fancy pens and luxury notebooks . Amy and I share a love of stationery . Any excuse , we 'll be using snail mail to communicate , just so we can send each other a little card with an owl on it . Nothing says ' I saw this and thought of you , ' quite like seeing something and posting it to someone . Royal Mail got that slogan damn right . The voucher present was mega , involve as it did not only Paperchase , my favourite shop , but shopping , my favourite past time . We thought it only right to take an actual day off in order to go to Paperchase , the mecca , the flagship , the church of Kim and Amy . And go voucher crazy . I 've never been to this Paperchase before , the best I 've got is a pokey one - floor number in Bath . It was a mecca , housing everything you could ever want from your stationer . A heady concoction of wrapping paper , cards , pens , notebooks , albums , frames , umbrellas , and things you don 't really need but really really want , like 76 different styles of card holder for your Oyster card , your passport , your credit cards , your business cards . Amy and I arrived and quickly started taking things slowly . We were in no rush . We secured a basket each and started snaking our way around the ground floor - if conversation or excitement accidentally had us miss out a section , one eagle eyed swerve later and we were back , chucking things in our baskets like there was no recession . ( Which there wouldn 't be , if we all just carried on shopping , by the way . I do my bit . ) By the time we got to the sale items at the back of the third floor , our baskets were weighing us down so we hid them under a table while we wandered off , fawning fancy wrapping paper and taking photos of each other holding up pictures of owls . Busy enjoying ourselves , we didn 't see the shop assistant come over and start tidying up after us . Amy , suddenly pulled from our flight of fancy and fearful that all our hard work on floors one and two was for nothing , shot him a look of despair . ' Have you put our baskets back ? ' she demanded , with what can only be described as a war cry , as if rallying me to rugby tackle him while she poked him in the face with a pink biro . He held his hands up to protest his innocence . ' What baskets ? ' he stammered , his voice trembling as he backed away , suddenly remembering he had a pressing engagement in the store room . Well , we had spent over two hours chasing paper already , it would have been a calamity to have to start again . Although it was a calamity I 'd have secretly enjoyed . Till bound , Amy tells me that she 's found out we 're the only culture on this Earth who don 't haggle the price down . So as they start bagging up our goods , Amy lays on the charm . She wants 10 % off , for no other reason than the fact we were stood there , buying stuff . She tried telling Steven , the cashier , that we were journalists . Nothing . She tried telling him he could have a free pen if he used his staff discount on our purchases . Nothing . Our culture isn 't ready for this . Or so I thought . Next stop , Habitat , where I acquire the aforementioned table runner . For the table I don 't own in the house I don 't own . Undeterred , Amy tries again . ' Can we get 10 % off that ? ' she asks . This time - boom ! That 's right , for no good reason at all , we got 10 % off . No frayed edges , no stains , no rhyme , no reason . We just asked and we just got . We took our massive savings of about £ 1 . 07 and exchanged it for an absinthe cocktail later in the evening . A story for another time , my friends , but suffice to say , my ' I 'm not drinking again ' mantra enforced after my birthday two weeks ago , rang out in my head over and over again as I threw up my absinthe cocktail in Amy 's sink later that night . I almost wiped my sorry brow on my new table runner , but luckily for me , I passed out before I had the chance . Bottoms up ! Absinthe cocktail and a sambuca chaser . 50 shades of this , 50 shades of that … No , I haven 't read it . No , I 'm not going to . In my blissful state of ignorance , I 'm go . . . My name is Kim and I 'm a wet blanket . A wuss . A scaredy cat . I don 't know why . Or when it started . But somewhere along the lin . . . Girls are great , aren 't they ? I have certainly realised so , after a shaky start . When I was a teenage dirtbag , I used to think girls we . . . All loved up and mushy couples have a song , right ? Ain 't that the epitome of romance , the day you secure an ' our song ' ? I used to think . . .

I heard that phrase a lot the past two days . I was volunteered ( read mandated by the boss . . . with " or else " implied ) to attend a 2 day training with a new co - worker . We were to learn how to teach an exercise class to people with arthritis . It 's sponsored by the Arthritis Foundation and offers lots of helpful hints . Aiding the seniors in enjoying life is part of what I enjoy about my job . Learning new things is always good . But one thing remains the same . Role play sucks . Granted I 'm fortunate not to suffer from any of the 100 forms of arthritis . ( No , I didn 't know there were that many either ) . I don 't mind learning new terms , finding better ways to do things which are more effective and easier on the body . But dear Lord in heaven , spare me from being a guinea pig in front of a crowd . Especially a guinea pig who 's been asked to do odd things on the spur of the moment in the middle of a circle of strangers . Yesterday we spent 7 hours learning the varying forms of exercise . We did 59 of the 72 approved exercises . Thankfully , we were spared the humiliation of lying on the floor for the rest . But that 's where humiliation ended . The problem with me , you see , is I 'm happier being an Indian than being the Chief . Oh with my group , no problem . I 've known them for years and I 'm allowed to sprinkle in humor . The more , the merrier . The sponsor , however , is utilizing tried and proven methods with scientific evidence to back it up . Every other word we heard was , " Stick to the book ! Don 't deviate . " It 's not just an ego thing ( theirs ) , it 's an insurance thing . If you do something not sanctioned by the sponsor , you can personally be sued if an injury occurs . This includes allowing folks to discuss the weird remedies they 've heard for arthritis during your class . Afterwards , however , they can compare notes to their heart 's delight . I went to sleep last night mumbling , " Stick to the Book ! " The worst part of role play is , as introverted as it makes me feel , there 's always someone worse at it than me . And I feel bad for them . I can make myshope Note to President Obama : it 's not me you have to convince that America 's been going down the wrong road at a high rate of speed with no disregard for the lives of others . It 's those men and women whom you addressed last evening . You know , the ones who hopped up and down like rabbits on speed when you said things they liked . They 're called Democrats . As we both know the Republicans were slower to stand but I still think they speak English and can be reached . Eventually . Then again , it took the Democrats 8 years to re - learn English after listening to Republicans speak it . And that 's the point . We 're ALL suppose to be Americans . Why is it that those who are elected to represent us forget that as soon as they receive an office in Washington , D . C . ? Is it the rarified air ? Do lobbyists suck all the air out of a room , rendering people semi - comatose ? To tell you the truth , the answer is simple . Money . Those in power want it . And they want to be in control of it . Those of us who use to have money , we 're call t - a - x - p - a - y - e - r - s , want to know why those spendthrifts don 't go to jail when they spend more than what 's in the government bank . Seems they 're playing Robin Hood but they don 't understand the story . As a rule , We the People aren 't the rich . Heaven knows if the average American followed Congressional and Wall Street examples , the next words we 'd hear would be , " You have the right to remain silent . " You know what was the most ironic moment of all ? That a group of people who spend money faster than it can be physically accumulated gave a heartfelt standing ovation to a guy most people have never heard of . Oh , I have , even if I can 't recall his name . Because his story caught me so off guard I almost drove off the road when I heard it originally . The lump in my throat caused tears to pool up and I almost pulled off the road . You see , this man is President of a bank . A bank which gave him $ 60 million dollars as part of his pay and benefits . And this man , who had grown up in a town where right had Posted by Usually I don 't go to Estate Sales . In the south , they tend to mean one of two things : either it 's a rich family who doesn 't want squabbling amongst the living therefore property of the deceased is auctioned off or a family is without heirs and wants to dispose of things quickly . The one thing they have in common is the hope of the auctioneer that the people who show up will equate " old stuff " with " valuable antiques . " I wouldn 't have even known this one was going on if Mom hadn 't e - mailed me about it . You see the dearly departed had been my second grade teacher , Miss Cotton . After Mom , she was the second most important person in the development of my reading skills . They both taught me to love words . Miss Cotton rewarded that love of reading with gifts of books . I still have the two books I won in her class . " Heidi " was first prize for reading the most books . A copy of " Black Beauty " was the prize in our shoebox parade float contest , which had to be based on a book we read . . . and explained to her . Mine was " The Princess and the Pea " , with Barbie standing in for the princess and a dried black eyed pea as her nemesis . Each book featured Miss Cotton 's neat handwriting , always filled with praise . " Thanks for being an excellent student ! " was inscribed in my books . Miss Cotton stands out not only for sharing her love of reading but for bringing in physical symbols of countries as we read about them . I have to wonder how many friends she had in the military . Someone had to lend her all those items from a variety of countries which she used as hands on learning tools . Somewhere there 's a picture of me wearing an apron and wooden shoes from Holland while cradling the ugliest , carved wooden troll you 've ever seen . He even had a wart on his nose . In the photo I 'm flanked by two classmates modeling other outfits from the area . Miss Cotton made sure that each of us had a chance to shine . When she wasn 't encouraging us to read , she encouraged us to write our own stories . Yes , I still have the one I wrote about the wandering neighPosted by Whatever you were just thinking , back up . It 's not going to be that kind of post . My senior citizens have always been good about doing things for the community . Many of the craft supplies donated to them are turned into items which are then donated back to the community . In the past fifteen years , they 've donated the equivalent of over $ 16 , 000 worth of goods to the community . A friend pointed out they used 1929 pricing to figure out that number , but it 's still the thought that counts . I 've always been proud of what they do to aid others , thus proving themselves still useful no matter how many birthday candles go on their cake . Occasionally they receive a certificate of appreciation from a group and they once won a plaque naming their project with a group of college scholarship students from Central America as the best in the county . But yesterday we received the most heartfelt thanks that anyone has every offered for their efforts . We also recycle aluminum drink cans . Twice . The tabs are pulled off and set aside for a lady who collects them for Ronald McDonald House . Started by the McDonald 's corporation years ago , throughout the country there are houses situated near hospitals where families may stay for free while their child is say undergoing chemo . Several families may stay at one time , giving everyone a built in support system in the frame of " you are not alone . " The cans have been donated to a variety of groups , from the Salvation Army to Habitat for Humanity , Boy Scouts of America to the Fire Dept . which sells them for a Burns Treatment hospital . We vary who receives the cans every couple of years in order to aid as many organizations as we can . I 've always been very proud of them for using the cans to aid others . My Boss just doesn 't understand why they wouldn 't keep the funds themselves . For the past two years we 've donated the cans to a group of mentally challenged kids at a local high school . One of the senior ladies use to drive the bus for the group , which is how we got connected . The man in town who does Posted by Yep , somehow Radge got the ball rolling and I was game enough to accept the challenge from the Barman , who assigned me the letter " L " . Here goes . LAUGHTER : simple solution to what ails you . Besides , how can you hear a little kid giggle and not join in ? LISTENING : it 's a lost art , I 'm telling ya . You learn so much when you shut your mouth and open your ears . Plus , life is better with music . LIFE : as annoying as things can be at times , I 'm guessing living life is more fun than the alternative . I just need to learn how to live it to the fullest , without the part where I worry so much . LEARNING : until they plant me in the ground , my mind is in a continuous state of learning about something new . How else would I have found you people ? LABS : Can 't imagine a world without my two 4 legged kids , our chocolate labs Smokey and Boudreaux … even if the girl at the Vet can 't say the last one and calls him " Border X " . LOGIC : seems to have gone extinct sometimes , but I do so enjoy people who have common sense and aren 't afraid to use it . LAVENDER : I love the smell ! Can 't grow it around here but the scent is readily available in soap and lotion . LOST : not my mental state , the t . v . program . Why ? Because it 's different , not predictable and allows me to be a kid by suspending reality to play along . LASAGNA : because once in a while , the palate likes a change . LAST : Not as in coming in at the end of the race but savouring the last of something : the last chocolate chip cookie , the last light of day before sunset , that last bit of silence at daybreak before the world gets busy . LOVE : Yes , I did save the best for last . It 's the one thing I wouldn 't want to live without . . . . more than an economic stimulus package is a little love . Because if you think about it , if we were all willing to do our part and pull together instead of breaking into color coded groups , things would get done . Quickly . Without animosity and sneering at all . Then again maybe if we just did away with millionaire politicians who don 't believe in paying taxes , things would be easier . Forget Joe the Plumber . . . get me Dave the C . P . A . who understands that if you don 't pay your fair share , you go directly to J . A . I . L . [ Do not pass " GO " , do not collect $ 200 ] . If you 've ever seen the move " Dave " [ not that Eddie Murphy disaster ! ] starring Kevin Kline as President , you 'll see what I mean . On a lighter note , I 'm sharing my little friend on the left with you because he represents long lasting , true love . The rose , a Don Juan , came from my garden last year . They have the most wonderful aroma . . . . sweet , but not that overly sweet that gives you a headache 30 minutes after they enter the room . Ol ' Don has a sentimental value . When we were dating , it was the first rose hubby ever gave me having picked it from his Dad 's prize collection of roses . Sure , his Dad wasn 't too happy at the time since it was THE first rose of the year . Then he found out who received it . Hubby got his sentimental nature from a really cool guy . [ And yes , sentimental fool that I am , I pressed it between the pages of a book and still have it . ] When we got married , the first rose bush we ever planted was . . . yep , Don Juan , which is a climbing rose . Hubby even built the trellis for it to sun upon . I wasn 't able to transplant it when we moved , so hubby got me another one . . . . and built another trellis . Now that 's true love . . . and Don Juan is its signature scent . The little bear was a Valentine 's gift a couple of years ago . He sits on my computer desk , reminding me that real love is the result of trusting someone completely . Time just makes it sweeter . Which is why my cute little bear is lounging in over sized boxers covered in hearts . Real love is accepting a person tPosted by Our favorite Cow Boy [ excuse me , Man ] left a comment with the last post which reminded me of this old joke . My Dad loved jokes . Okay , so his favorite was the far from politically correct Dumb Pollock joke , he still could remember a million of them . One day as we sat in an exam room at the Oncologist expecting less than stellar news , I thought I 'd tell Dad a joke to lighten the mood . The joke I picked was one Dad would never have suspected from me . When the doctor entered the room , Dad was laughing so hard tears were running down his face . Doc took one look at Dad and became alarmed . I don 't know if he thought Dad was psychic and had already guessed the news or if he was in excruciating pain . Dad proceeded to wipe his face , a giggle or two escaping as he reassured the Doc he was all right . Me . . . he probably wasn 't so sure about . Dad explained I 'd just told him a funny joke . Doc wanted to hear it . I absolutely refused . It wasn 't so much off color as well . . . . a joke involving the medical community that I didn 't feel real comfortable sharing at that moment . Doc made one more request , I shook my head and took an oath of silence . The news , although not great , wasn 't something that couldn 't be fixed with a new round of drugs . Or so we hoped . Doc told Dad he was free to go make his next appointment , then eyeballed me . I just shook my head mutely . Doc opened the door , Dad exited and Doc followed behind . As I stood up to leave , the jolly nurse walked in . She loved to joke , she made Dad laugh and she made me feel skinny as she always pointed out that her butt was much more well padded than mine . Uh . . . yeah . And that 's being polite . Her expression was stern as she slammed the door shut and glared at me . " Tell me , " she commanded , hands on those massive hips . " Tell you what ? " I asked , trying to figure out what I 'd done . " The damn joke , " she sighed . " Doc asked me to come in here and see if you 'd tell me . You HAVE to tell me , " she pleaded . " He will drive us absolutely nuts all day long if he doesn 't find out what it is . He loves jokes . Posted by . . . to learn CPR . I kid you not . Today I had to return to work in order to take a CPR course . It 's my own fault actually , for telling the truth . Where I work , telling the truth is punishable . No . Really . I was " chosen " to attend a training so I can , in turn , teach old folks with arthritis how to exercise . There was a catch ; you had to be certified in CPR in order to teach the class . Makes me wonder how arthritis exercise can cause overexertion to the point of coronary or respiratory collapse . I did not volunteer for this duty , I was drafted . I only wish I had a card to burn in order to illustrate my displeasure at more being heaped on my professional plate when I don 't even have time to do the dishes I 'm juggling now . So I told the truth . Where it stated , " Are you certified in CPR ? " I cheerfully checked NO ! Sigh . Which is how I ended up " leaving " vacation this morning to learn how to do CPR for adults , children and even babies . I don 't know how many babies will be in the arthritis class but you never know . I knew the Instructor , a very professional Paramedic who possess a sense of humor and isn 't afraid to use it . He had us watch two 20 minute videos with the disclaimer that when they were through , he would then tell us how the procedure had been updated , even though our employer was too cheap to buy the new video . Six of us took turns trying to resuscitate a bald headed , naked male torso which ended at the bellybutton . Either that or it was the ugliest woman I 've ever seen . It was a little disconcerting to see Half - A - Man 's chest rise when we gave him two puffs of air , then hear the air rush out of him as we began the 30 chest compressions between breaths . Our instructor , who 's a Paramedic , grinned with glee when he said you had to be tough to hang on through CPR . My classmates thought he meant the patient . Uh no , he meant the " help " . That 's five sets of thirty , plus breathing . I noticed all of us at one point eyeballing our coworkers to see who , in the event of an actual emergency , should be given task # 1 on the emerPosted by I seem to have inadvertently picked themes on this , my vacation away from the work desk . Supposedly I took a break just to get away from being organized . It 's a curse , I 'm telling ya . After " Soap and Water Saturday " , Sunday turned into " Adventures across the pond " . It began with a lazy Sunday afternoon movie choice . Not mine actually , hubby 's . He 'd never seen this oldie and to be honest , I hadn 't seen it since college when a professor " made " me watch it . The movie was " The Quiet Man " , starring John Wayne and Maureen O ' Hara , made in 1952 . Even though I 'd already seen it , it 's hard to see John Wayne on anything other than a horse while wearing a cowboy hat . Oh there was a two minute scene featuring a horse race , but seeing him in a cap was almost . . . odd . Then again , five minutes later he 's stomping down the road on a walk , looking like a guy who . . . . has been riding a horse too long . The first time I saw this movie , I was shocked by Wayne 's chauvinistic streak as he literally man handled the woman he professed to love . This time I saw past social convention of the day to focus on the beauty of Ireland and something I missed when I was 20 ; the importance of understanding the customs of others whether you agree or not . To tell you the truth , I was somewhat aghast when Wayne refused to return to his brother - in - law and rightfully claim the gold coins which were part of his wife 's dowry which had been left behind in a fit of rage and yes , you can imagine who 's rage . I understood Wayne 's point of view that money wasn 't important . At least to him . But to tell the truth I wanted to knock him upside the head with a shillelagh for being so pigheaded in his refusual to see how important the principle of the thing was to O ' Hara . He relented . Eventually . And O ' Hara learned the art of compromise . There was something refreshing about old plot devices where characters set one another up in order to ensure events went their way . Yes by today 's standards it 's naive , even childish . To me it was just silly fun . This was followed last night Posted by Heaven knows I need one ! Especially when , an hour before I left work yesterday I received an e - mail with THAT reply . You know the kind . " Gee you 're REALLY , extremely actually , well qualified but hey , we gave the job to someone else . We 'll be sure to put your life in our file cabinet for 6 months before we move it to File 13 . " Sigh . So I continue to look , knowing my " vacation " will be marred by a mandatory training I have to go in for on Thursday . . . yet another step closer to doing someone else 's job . No , I won 't bore you . Or depress me . And it came to pass that on the first day of my 10 day break from reality as I know it , soap ruled . Apparently it was today 's theme . Began the morning washing my hair . I know , be still your heart . How can I make you endure such mundane , personal trivia as me striving for cleanliness ? Now if your heart can stand it , this was followed by 5 loads of laundry and helping hubby wash my car . Oooh and then I turned on . . . the dishwasher . I 've had enough soap and water for today , thank you very much . My plan for the week consists of . . . well , very little planning . Okay , except for changing the oil in my car , a necessary evil when one commutes . But for once in my overly organized life I 'd like to take things a day at a time , rather than putting things into play a month ahead of schedule so that others will have fun . When hubby has to work , I 'll use the time to write . I pledge to keep an eye out and ears open for a chance to embrace an employment change which will challenge my mind rather than make me want to pull out my hair . I will remember that other people 's opinions are just that . . . . another opinion . I will run this all through Wordle and see how pathetic my current job has made me , then I will laugh and return to what passes for normal . And I will be grateful to have you , Fair Reader , invisible though you might be , because I treasure what you add to my day . I will now take a moment to - [ Cue sound of buzzing dryer . Why does that buzz sound like a fly on crack ? ] - fold towels , signaling the end of todPosted by Three years after the infamous Duck Story quaked up the boyfriend , we set forth on yet another adventure . I have to say , life with the man is never dull . At 20 , I was putting myself through college with a job on campus . Boyfriend Scott was through with college in two years . As in , " Tried it . Didn 't like it . Don 't need it . " He proved it by evolving his part time job at a pizza restaurant into Manager of said establishment . He did so well the corporation sent him to a city 35 miles away to fix another ailing franchise . I knew it was merely a stepping stone , not a career . Scott is inherently smart when it comes to business . Unfortunately , between jobs and distance , we were left with Saturday date nights only . When one of those warm spring days signaling the end of winter came along , Scott called to say he was picking me up early . We 'd make a day of it , touring where he hung out when he wasn 't working , sleeping or heading to my house on Saturday . I asked if a boat was involved . He laughed but assured me we 'd remain landlocked . The town where Scott worked was small , rural and um … r - e - a - l country . Let 's just say smart folks got a high school diploma then left town to see the world beyond tobacco barns and cotton . People like singer Rob Thomas and astronaut Ronald McNair . It was the kind of southern town where people superstitiously painted their window and door frames bright blue … to keep out the haints . [ That 's old south for " ghosts " ] . His landlady believed she could tell the future and that cats kept evil spirits away . Probably explains why there were so many cats at the place she rented to Scott and his roommate . Then again , Scott and his buddy brought home pizza scraps . The cats preferred sausage over pepperoni . On the drive that Saturday , Scott told me that earlier in the week , in the middle of the night , he and the roomie heard a load noise outside . It was followed by the sound cats make when startled and running for their lives . Grabbing his pistol , Scott peered out the back door . What he found wasPosted by One of the comments on the story below made me realize that sometimes you get so familiar with a story that you forget a fact or two . I inadvertently led some of you to believe the story was a creative bit of whimsy . Well truth is , the story is TRUE ! The 17 year old starry eyed idiot was . . . . yep , me . Hopefully I 'll get around to writing the story of the bear . I 'll make sure to note that it is a true tale as well . Especially when hubby gets to be the punchline . Happily married to my high school sweetheart . Yes , some of us actually do that and it works . No children wasn 't the plan , but it 's the reality . Doesn 't matter , I 'm still a dog and kid magnet .

I will read Chapter 15 from Joan 's Gospel . It is a small part of a big lecture of Christ . It is not even a summary . When you read this chapter , you have to read it often in order to connect it to the whole lecture . This is just one window and we have to move to different windows in order to see the whole lecture . The man on earth does not have only one - two eyes . ( The Master read the specified chapter ) . The shortest sentence that contains the sense of life and that we can translate into Bulgaria is the following : There are only two people in the world , they are the strong and the weak , the extremely strong and the extremely weak . You can ask how they come to terms [ reach and agreement ] . There is a law to which both of them serve . If the extremely big does not fulfill God 's law , he starts growing smaller and if the extremely small fulfills God 's law , he becomes bigger . If one of them when not observing God 's law gets smaller , the other one observing God 's law gets bigger . This is according to the law - there is a constitution . When you start getting smaller you have to know that your things are not according to God 's law . When the big starts becoming smaller , he has violated God 's law . When the small starts getting bigger , he has fulfilled God 's law . In this lecture Christ says , I am the vine " . The man is a creature made of two living trees . The roots of one of the threes are in the brain and the branches grow downwards into the body . The other tree has its roots in the sympathetic system and its branches grow upward . Where they meet there are two types of fruits . One of the trees presents the extremely big , the other tree represents the extremely small . It is the heart . It is the very little man . This little man that fulfills God 's law , he gets bigger . The big man that does not observe God 's law becomes smaller . Because it is not in the size . It is a measure . Because everybody can become big and everybody can become small . If you regret that you are small , it is to blame yourself , you have not fulfilled God 's law . If you are happy that you are growing , you are getting bigger , you fulfill God 's law . These are the two laws here , on earth . The little never gets ill . Only the big people get ill and they suffer . They suffer for the only reason that they do not observe God 's law . It is not that they do not want to , but sometimes they become deities . The contemporary people say , " What is new ? " everybody is interested what the next order will be . What will be the order ? Till now people have been in an unhealthy condition , abnormal . First they must be cured form the invisible world to recover their health . From now on there will be doctors of the healthy people . Now when people say that an aristocrat has three servants , he is sick . They have bent over his bed , not to die . Now you want someone to serve you . You are a sick person . In the world only when a man serves out of love , it is a healthy state . Whatever other serving there is , whatever other belief there is , whatever other science there is , they are abnormal states of the human spirit . They say , " He is an erudite " . I want to know if he is normal , if he is healthy , is it out of the law of love . Now I am talking about the love that gives life , in which life is born . You must have this in mind - what life comes from , it is love . This is the shortest definition of love . We say that love creates it . Life comes out of love because the Scripture says that love is the fruit of spirit . Someone of you may regret that you are not educated . In some respects I am happy that some people are ordinary and not educated , because sometimes it is better for a man to be ignorant , not to have time to do evil . In order the man to love , he must be educated . To have knowledge , he must be educated . To be free , he must be educated . Sometimes knowledge limits the man . Now , for example , sometimes somebody says , " I feel like that . " Feeling is not the same measure . You feel that you have will , but this hardly shows that you have will . You may feel that you are rich , but this hardly shows your wealth . After you lose your wealth don 't you feel that you have lost it ? After you lose your knowledge , don 't you feel it ? Someone says , " I am suffering " . He is a measure . Faith is independent of the human feelings . It is a conscious feeling . In the worst circumstances the man has stronger faith than when he has the best conditions . The ill person can have stronger faith than the healthy one . The healthy person may have a strong disposition inside , but this is another question . The ill person believes that he will get better , that the illness he has will pass away . Christ says that the people are sticks . He says that He represents the vine and we are the sticks on this vine . Therefore everybody must be well engrafted . He must take care of his graft . Because people on earth suffer , because illusions suffer . More than 20 years ago in Bulgaria the vines were overrun with phylloxera . And all the people had to engraft the local vine . The local vine was better than the one that was brought from America . They have brought the phylloxera with it . I say , " What does the phylloxera show ? " why did the vineyards suffer from the phylloxera ? Now some of you , who place themselves on the materialistic ground , say , " Here is life " . I agree that life is here , but every materialist must develop his eyesight to cover the entire earth , to see everywhere . To see America , Africa , Asia , Australia . To see how all the people live . This is life . He sees a small part and says , " This is life " . You see ten or twenty trees , is this the world ? You see some ten bugs , is this the world ? You see some ten cows , sheep , is this the world ? What does world mean ? The world is what we see . There are a lot of arguments if there is another world or not . You are in the other world , you are in this world , too . If you do not live well , it is only this world left , the not understood one . But if you live well there is also the other world . There are two worlds and when they come together , they form one world . One world cannot make two worlds . Two worlds can make one world . One world cannot be made of two worlds . You will say , " God is one " . I would like the contemporary philosophers to understand the only God in a different way . All creatures live in God . Everything lives in this one . Before you were born you had been in Him , as the wheat seed is in the barn of the farmer . He takes it out , plants it in the ground . The seed would say , " Now I have come " . Did the seed appear now ? It has been in the barn of the farmer and he planted ii in the ground . We must not support who is on the right side . That grows is on the right side . The small one that grows bigger is on the right side . The ignorant , who educated himself , is on the right side . The erudite , who in his old years is stranded , who forgets , he is on the wrong side . The strong , who gets ill , is on the wrong side . The rich , who gets poor is on the wrong side . You are strange when some of you says , " I don 't want to give my wealth " . You do not understand what wealth is . For example , you have 20 thousand kilos of brass , it is a pretty big wealth to have 20 thousands kilos . You say , " Why do I have it , I do not need iIn the past very bad educators have educated us and now we are badly educated . Only the musician , who can play and sing well , can teach the tone . Some people say that if he cannot sing , he can teach . Thanks for such a person who cannot play and sing to teach us . We are in this situation because of such professors . Someone says , " the pedagogue can teach without knowing . " No , no . The Turks say , " Even if you see it , do not believe " . Now I don 't want you to fight only with your mistakes . Do not fight with the evil , do not fight with the ignorance , do not fight with the darkness . Why should you fight , where will you catch darkness ? Where will you catch ignorance ? Strike a match , make light . In this case this little light helps you in the darkness . Do not fight with hunger . Feed the hunger with little bread . Tell him a nice sweet word . You say , " Can it be without bread ? " if we could live without bread , life would be ten times worse than now . I would say , God help those who does not eat . God help those who does not eat on earth , too . He dies . God help those who do not learn and accept God 's Speech . He dies , too . The man must feed himself with God 's Speech . God help those who do not feed the heart . Now we talk about two people who fall in love . They have fallen in love . Let them have enough . Now these two people cook each other . They both have starved . The order that God has created in the world , this is an order . What wakes up in your soul , it is from God . What is woken up by Him , it is real . Shadows are real but only in reality . Things are real only with love . Things are real only with God 's Wisdom . Things are real only with the Truth . The reality of truth is in the fact that it brings freedom . Wisdom is real because it brings knowledge . Love is real because it brings life . Only through life we know love . Through knowledge we know wisdom and through freedom we know the truth . A man who does not know the freedom cannot know the truth . Truth is more than freedom . Wisdom is more than knowledge . Love is more than life . We must be grateful for what manifests . Now many people sit and say , " When we go to the other world , we will see it . " Your desire to go to the other world is good , but you can see the other world here , too . If you want , you will go in . When you go in the fear in your heart is at the border of the Divine world . When the personal feelings of offence , dignity appear , you are at the border of the Divine world . When cupidity appears you are at the border of the Divine world . When you make a step at this border , you will go into the Divine world ; you will see that your fear must be outside , love must be inside . Since you have chased love outside and the fear is inside , you look for the Divine world . Tell the fear , " You must be a good servant , and love must be the master . " There comes a new order in the world . What is the new order ? Now you have a revolution , you have a new government . The Turks say , " Alkiust . " I will not translate it for you before I tell it to you . Till now you have learnt the good at school . The secondary school is over , the high school is over , the university is over . Now it is time for the graduation exam for a diploma . The evil does nothing . Now God sees that there is a deserving son , who has done everything . He says , " I will make you a master . I will make this wretch a servant . " The good says , " I have served you for so many years , I obeyed God 's law , now you have to obey . You will serve the same law . When you graduate high school and university we both will take hands and rule the world . Now the evil will come to serve the world . The good has served for so many years . It will not chase away the evil but it will also serve . Put aside the whip that you have to beat the evil , because evil should not be beaten . I will tell you a joke as an example . There was a famous man , named Stoyan , in the Varna region . A Turkish man passed by and told him , " Stoyan , you are not worth anything , you have not any strength " . Stoyan answered , " You do not tell the truth , I will show you how much I am worth " . The Bulgarian took the Turk for the leg , lifted him up , put him down , lifted him up again , turned him with his head down , lifted him again . " Am I worth nothing ? " He said , " Effendi , I 'd been very strong , I was deluded . Wherever I go I will tell that there is the Divine in Stoyan . When he takes a man for the leg , he lifts him up with his head up and with his head down , he turns him on all sides " . If you do not have the strength of Stoyan , keep silent , do not bear the character of the Turk - you cannot do it in the good way in this world . Hello ! Now Stoyan comes into the world . Those , who has worked is the good , he will take you , he will spin you round . The good comes to rule the world . Who does not believe in it , it will take him for the leg and will show him that the good is hidden in the Divine power that will fix the world . Now you should not worry how the world will be fixed . You are strange , you worry about mere trifles . When you peel the bark of a tree , nobody goes to heal it . The tree recovers its bark on its own . Sometimes even if the tree is cut , it grows up from beneath , it gets recovered . There are star - fish , which recover their tentacle , if it is torn off . In the Divine world there are no defects , since life easily corrects defects . Here in our world , where there is no love , there is one hesitation . We will think . You say , " His speech was not logical . " I ask you in order to convey [ communicate ] a language , with which word do you have to start ? Where does nature start in the language ? Nature starts with the conjunctions , it starts wit ' and ' . When a man loses his memory , he forgets the nouns , since they are recent works , then pronouns are lost , verbs and conjunctions remain , they do not get lost . WheBe careful for the bombs not to come onto your heart and onto your soul . What will happen then ? We must not contradict to God 's law in the world . Now I like it that the church is separated form the state and they do not read the prayers they used to read . A prayer without love is not a prayer . It is a crime . Faith without love is not faith . Hope without love is not hope . Follow the law , the only law : where everything is done with love , the man is blessed . So I say , Now I am talking to you about the Fatherland front . What do they say above ? As far as the Fatherland front has fulfilled the Fatherland front above , God will bless . Think to pass with that . He says , become a partner with the devil just to pass the bridge . Do not become any partner . He has got bankrupt . He will become a servant , he has no money . I will give you that example . There is one of the old occultists . He presented the devil in the contemporary time , he got discouraged that the students whom he has taught do not listen to him . Whatever he says , they do not listen to him . Everybody took care of their own interest . He says , " I gave my knowledge , but they all took my strength and left me alone , nobody respects me . " He went to a place in the mountain , thought deeply what decision to make . At the same time two snakes climbed in the mountain and stuck into his chest , he had pains inside and did not feel them . He saw Christ in the distance and started nodding his head , saying , " You come late , two thousand years ago I could give you these kingdoms on earth , now they do not listen to me , too . " Christ said to him , " I do not want you to give me these kingdoms . I come to give you a friendly piece of advice . You are very clever , the world does not respect you . Turn to serving God , not to love him , but to serve him . You have a future , because you will serve . When they say tat he is sent to the eternal fire , I see that he sends him to be God 's servant . He should do what he is told to , to serve the children , the bugs , the plants , to serve everybody everywhere , not to kill anybody . You know what a torture it is for a supercilious spirit that has ruled the world to serve . No I do not want to talk to you , to convince you . If you are of those who do not understand , your destiny is written , you will be servants . If you have served without love till now , you will be servants . This is done . If you bring love , you will be placed to be masters . Do not lie to yourselves . As far as the people carry you on their backs , you are not a strong man . Everybody can take your joy . You are pleased . Some years ago I went on a trip to the Vitosha mountain . A father had his six - year old girl with him . The girl walked with her father , but since she had not done this before , her legs got tired . The girl did not feel very well . Her father took her on his shoulder , carried her . She felt better and started talking . The father carried her for a kilometer , but he got tired and put her on the ground . The father became merry , the child did not feel well . I say , " the mistake is that the father carried his child ; since he had taken her with him , he would carry her and put her down . " He would not carry her to the top . I did not tell him anything , I watched him carrying her , then putting her on the ground to walk . The other people murmured why he had taken the child with him , to carry her on his back , but to give her a spanking . There is no use to give her a spanking . The mistake was in us that we walked fast , the child is not a tripper . We had to slow twice our pace and the things would settle . This brother took the child up . She was up on his shoulders , then down , again up and then down ; he was merry , then she was merry , now he was merry , now she was merry - they climbed up the mountain . I say , " If you carry the old life , you will put it down sometimes , you will miss it . " You want to forget the old life . As far as he is not a master , but you can carry it , you will stand it for a while . Something will come out from the old life . The old will get younger , the young will get older . You say , " Let 's get rid of that evil " . There must be understanding . It only must be applied . Love must be put to reconciJesus says , " I am the vine - you are the sticks " . So , as a stick from this vine , it depends on the vine . If you live with love , the saps of that vine will flow into you . If you do not live as you should , then this stick is cut off . So , I say , " In our present life we have created unnecessary difficulties to us . " Sometimes you want to get married . I find it very good , there is nothing better than marriage when it is done with love . But there is no bigger hell than marriage when there is no love . The maid wants to get married ; she wants a handsome and rich man , who talks nice . She has not leaned to serve yet . She must understand his soul , to be ready to answer , to know his mind , to know his heart , to know his soul , his spirit , to know how to act . She says , " How gentle was he before , and now you have become rude . " The lad says , " How kind she was before , what letter you used to write , how rude is she now . " I have give many people the following piece of advice . A woman , who wants to leave her husband , comes . I say , " If you leave him you will be taken to the other world . If you endure to serve him , God will bless you and will keep you to the end . " You will listen to one of the two things . As the good has served for so many years , now the bad will serve , too . I do not talk about imaginary things . Here great creatures have come down and have suffered . Why does Christ suffer , what does he suffer from ? Couldn 't he cripple all his enemies , to make their arms and legs dry ? If we want , everybody who has insulted us to disappear . You bump into a tree , let it get dry ; you bump in a stone , you curse it to get ruined . You wet yourself in water , you say something bad , to get dried . What will happen ? The greatness of the world is in two things on earth : that who can endure with love , not without love , to have knowledge and to be free . Never marry a man who does not love you . Make a rule for the lad . Yesterday a little child of four or five came in the filed and said , " I want to be a student " . He kissed my hand . I looked at him , he wants to be a student . He looked at me and said , " Don 't you like me ? May I become a student ? " I did not answer him anything . What he says , it will happen . When he says this , the thought that he bears will happen when he becomes adult . You can be great if you have love . Without love it cannot be . It is the easiest way in the world . If you do not have love , find a man who has love . When you have no fire , you go to the neighbour , who has a stove . If you have no love to warm your heart , visit someone ; if someone else does not have any , he should visit you . So I say , " In love you must know , it is not given . Love has two sources . It comes from the sympathetic system , above it transmits as a radio . Or it is transmitted form the brain . This love from above and from below must meet . Where they cross , there life is formed . Now I will tell you that always when the streams of the sympathetic systems of a man and a woman do not cross in one focus , they remain childless . When the currents cross , they have children . The better the focus , the better the children . The worse the focus , the worse the children . A whole school is necessary . You think that it is easy to write a love letter . I can write one , too . I can write very nice letters . How nice things I write about religion . But religion is a law of love , of serving God , serving of the fellow - man , of little bugs , of trees . It not only does not give , but there are plants and trees , which it has to favour . Sometimes you walk , you bump into a stone . You should not kick it . A good attitude is necessary . All bodies that exist are alive and we must have a reasonable attitude . We consider close our brothers and sisters , the Bulgarians ; we consider the other people strangers . This is in place , but the Fatherland front above and the Fatherland front of the sixth race take the whole mankind . The law of the sixth race is Love . So , I say , " Do you know what the advantages of the sixth race will be ? " if you understand , when a young woman wants to be beautiful , she does not know that beauty brings great misfortune . The ugliness of the physical world brings greater goods than beauty . Everyone wants to have possession of the beauty , to take it . Everybody rejects ugliness . The beautiful person is not free . Take a minister , how many people will come . Take a doctor , 20 , 30 , 40 , 50 ill people may come . All doctors run as scalded . He just measures the pulse , looked at the eye and says , " Go home . " There are creatures that must be cured . I am telling you , " The spiritual science or the law of love must teach us how the relations between uThe great good that God has put into the man , the great good that the man has put into his soul , that was given to him , the mind that He gave the man , these are the greatest goods , which God has put into him . He must be distinguished . The heart must have fruits , the soul must have fruits , the soul must have fruits . In our garden of spirit we must have fruits . Angels come down to see whether there are fruits in the garden of our mind , of our heart , of our soul . Now we are waiting to go to the other world . There you will undergo great disappointment . You will look like the American , a millionaire , who moved to the other world . He went to Saint Peter and said , " I want to go to God . I have made a lot of good things . I have built churches , schools , roads , railways , factories , houses for widows . " Peter said , " Did the newspapers write about this ? " - " They wrote , the people to know about this . " St . Peter said , " You are paid . Look if you have done anything , about which the newspapers had not written " . The American started remembering and it came to his mind that once , when he went to his office a widow asked him and he gave her a dollar . He said , " Once I gave a dollar and I did not consider it important , it was not written in the newspapers . " St . Peter said , " For this we can go to God " . They told God about this . God said , " Give him two dollars and let him go back to earth . With one dollar it is not enough . " With churches and schools , too ; they are nice things for the people . What we create inside us , what remains as a quality of our mind , what remains as a quality of our heart , what remains as a quality of our soul , these are things that a man needs for the future . If now you were of the sixth race and I tell one of you to stand up and sing , he would sing and all of you would be pleased . Now how many people can stand and all of you be pleased ? Somebody can play , but you know how difficult it is to satisfy the contemporary people . When a man is playing , he must be a virtuoso in order the people to be pleased . There is one school , all of you can learn . The love that does not make the man sing is not love . The first thing , when the child loves his mother , he sings . When the young maid falls in love , she sings . When she gets disappointed , she stops singing . Love brings singing . Now you will tell me , " Do not talk about these things , we are already married , we have children . What would you talk about love , it is a shame to get married for a second time . I take marrying as a service . I may have served a master . I go to another master to serve . Where we serve with love , this is the place . When I find that master I am pleased and he is pleased with me . The other one are tries . You are constantly complaining that you are blackmailed , you are not appreciated , you cannot rest , you cannot take a breath , you are tired . Some time ago there was a man called Tseko , who went to the other world to have some rest . Whoever came , he made Tseko do him favours . Tseko , do this , and he did , nobody repaid him . There comes a difficult job . Let Tseko come . Tseko did it , they said , " Thank you . " Tseko looked again . This one did not pay him , the other one did not pay him , I watch him writing poems . First they laughed at him that he was stupid . Someone has to pay him , he wrote a poem . Tseko became a poet . This one did not pay him , Tseko wrote poetry , another one did not pay him , he wrote poetry . Finally before he went to the other world , that poetry remained . He fell in love with a young woman who had married and was childless ; he was tempted . It was written in the love letter that " in order not to make a sin with you , I will go to the other world " . I say , " Tseko escaped into the other world inEnjoy the goods that God has put everywhere . Enjoy the stones , the precious stones , the plain stones , enjoy everything because these things grow . Enjoy the little bugs , enjoy everything that surrounds you . Finally enjoy those who insult you . A fiddler is playing the fiddle . The fiddle is intelligent , it is not dead . The fiddle stands the rubbing out of love . Some fiddlers play gently , other play rudely . The fiddle produces the best tones . So , I say , " When a great creature comes to play , a pleasant feeling is formed - while he is playing with his hand , you are out of spirit , but when a year or two pass , you will get used to it and you will start feeling the music . " The Scripts says , " everything that happens to those who love God , everything will turn for the good . " Be pleased with your bad husband . Be pleased with your bad son . Be pleased with your bad daughter . Be pleased with your bad servant . This is the negative side . Be pleased twice with your good husband . Be pleased twice with your good wife . Be pleased with your good son , to your good daughter , to your good servant . These things are very difficult . Without love you cannot serve . How is it possible for a man to live without air ? Then it is impossible to serve God without love . If there is no air a man cannot stand a minute , he suffocates . One of the most important functions is breathing . I don 't want you to be very good ; you will be unhappy . Anyway , there must be some seasoning . Only sweet is too much . Sometimes the bread is humid and gets mouldy , the rusk endures , it is a bit hard , but it endures . I tell you , " Look for the love with the only thought to become healthy . Your health depends on understanding and serving to love . Your spiritual life depends on understanding of love . Your mental life depends on understanding of love . Your heart life depends on the realization of love . Material goods depend on love . You hurry in the things . Do not want the goods of the other people Moses , who has written this law , says , " Do not want the property of your fellow - mate . What God has given to you , it is your right . If someone is rich , be pleased that he is rich . If someone has a house , be pleased . If you do not have a house , be pleased . For some of you first you have to know how to make a house . For the future I would wish the houses to be made of glass at all sides . The whole house to be of glass . A house of glass would be very hygienic . To those of you who now don 't have houses I wish in the future to have glass houses and arranged in the best way . With how many rooms ? At least five rooms . One for your beloved husband , one for your beloved wife , one for your son , one for your daughter and one for your beloved servant . Why do you get discouraged ? I see various projects . You stay and say , " It is not worth living for a man . " It is not worth living with this understanding of life . If it is not worth , change it . If one place is not pleasant to you , change the place , go to another place . If at one place they do not love you , go to another place . Jesus says , " Go to another place . " When you go around the whole earth , you will find a place that God has given you . God has not sent you here . You have come here due to a certain karma law . You are still not for Bulgaria . Somebody is an Englishman , but he is still not an Englishman . He has karmatically dressed up . If you go to England you will see people , who are not for Englishmen . If you go to Germany , you will see people , who are not for Germany . There is a mixture of races . A woman of a lower race has thicker blood . Take a white man and a black woman . If the womNow I don 't want a discouragement to stay in you . Be pleased with the life that you have lived till now . From now on God has sent you and there are others that must be in the future . Now you have to wait on earth until you fill up with knowledge , with freedom , with love . When you have this support of the Divine world , you will go to work . Some of you will be artists , some of you will be musicians or pianists , or fiddlers , or guitarists , or harpists , or you will play some other instrument . Some of you will be singers , some will be altos , some sopranos , some tenors , some bassists . Not such bassists , not such altos . Not that the nowadays bassists and altos are bad . The bas is the base of singing . The soprano is at a higher level . The bass gives fruits . I say , the tenor shows how up the bass can go . The alt shows how low the soprano can go . How far can these goods go down ? The alto for us is an element that remains undeveloped . There must be very good altos . In the soprano the tone must be clear , attractive . In the bass it must be capacious , warm . The bass has long waves , the soprano has short waves . All those who want to rule the world must be bassists . Those who must bring the nice world from the Divine world must be sopranos . Those who must show the way , in which to apply it must be tenors and must be altos . Now I suggest you to choose whether to be bassists or sopranos , or tenors or altos . In the future you would sing and serve God in the right way . Or serve Love in the right way .

Brian 's doctor gave him the all clear today to go back to work next Monday . He started his new manager position and then the big bucks start rolling in . Rolling into the bank to save for his own place ! YAAAAAA ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Brian 's doctor gave him the all clear today to go back to work next Monday . He started his new manager position and then the big bucks start rolling in . Rolling into the bank to save for his own place ! YAAAAAA ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The story I posted on April 20th should have followed this one , but I 'd forgotten I 'd even written this one . These two stories will join the others I 've started organizing as part of my memoirs for my son . I 'll fill in the blanks with more stories about my life whenever the mood strikes me . Hmmmm , I think smell another blog organized like the one I made just for my army stories . It makes reading about those time a a lot easier than randomly browsing this blog for those stories . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ My parents were divorced when I was about 12 and my mother was given custody of the three of us . I was very close to my father and when he left , it hit me very hard . Sure , he 'd come back for a visit once in a while , but that wasn 't very often . He never stuck around very long , because my mom and him didn 't get a long at all . Then when he moved to New York , I almost never saw him . One day my mom told us my dad had remarried to someone we always knew as Aunt Ruth . I think like most children of divorced parents , they never stop hoping that their parents will get back together . My father 's remarriage burst that bubble . From then on I resented Aunt Ruth , because I just knew she was responsible for breaking up my mom and dad . Many years later my mom told me that wasn 't true . Her and my dad had drifted apart and had planned on separating , but when my little sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor , they decided to stay together for now . It dawned on me how my father 's and Aunt Ruth 's relationship developed . My father met Ruth at the Spudnut Shop she owned . Spudnuts are just like donuts , but are made from potato flour instead of wheat flower . They struck up a friendship and it wasn 't long before Ruth and her husband and my mom and dad were good friends . We used to go over to Ruth and Frank 's house and visit them a lot . Those were fun times . Ruth had two boys the same age as my older brother and me , Eddie and Rickie . We always had a ball . They didn 't live that far from us so sometimes I 'd ride my bike over to visit my palPosted by The story I posted on April 20th should have followed this one , but I 'd forgotten I 'd even written this one . These two stories will join the others I 've started organizing as part of my memoirs for my son . I 'll fill in the blanks with more stories about my life whenever the mood strikes me . Hmmmm , I think smell another blog organized like the one I made just for my army stories . It makes reading about those time a a lot easier than randomly browsing this blog for those stories . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ My parents were divorced when I was about 12 and my mother was given custody of the three of us . I was very close to my father and when he left , it hit me very hard . Sure , he 'd come back for a visit once in a while , but that wasn 't very often . He never stuck around very long , because my mom and him didn 't get a long at all . Then when he moved to New York , I almost never saw him . One day my mom told us my dad had remarried to someone we always knew as Aunt Ruth . I think like most children of divorced parents , they never stop hoping that their parents will get back together . My father 's remarriage burst that bubble . From then on I resented Aunt Ruth , because I just knew she was responsible for breaking up my mom and dad . Many years later my mom told me that wasn 't true . Her and my dad had drifted apart and had planned on separating , but when my little sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor , they decided to stay together for now . It dawned on me how my father 's and Aunt Ruth 's relationship developed . My father met Ruth at the Spudnut Shop she owned . Spudnuts are just like donuts , but are made from potato flour instead of wheat flower . They struck up a friendship and it wasn 't long before Ruth and her husband and my mom and dad were good friends . We used to go over to Ruth and Frank 's house and visit them a lot . Those were fun times . Ruth had two boys the same age as my older brother and me , Eddie and Rickie . We always had a ball . They didn 't live that far from us so sometimes I 'd ride my bike over to visit my palPosted by Well , that 's another week under my belt to add to the other 3 , 091 I have under my belt already . Tonight Lori will be here like always , TGFL Thank God For Lori . Speaking of God , here 's a link my old pals Linky & Dinky sent me today in an email . It 's to a web site with a bunch of letters written by kids to God . Enjoy and have a great weekend . PSI know I will . My son is staying at his girl friends tonight and that means the Nudist Rules are in effect at my place . Anyone want to come over and hang out ? ; - ) Well , that 's another week under my belt to add to the other 3 , 091 I have under my belt already . Tonight Lori will be here like always , TGFL Thank God For Lori . Speaking of God , here 's a link my old pals Linky & Dinky sent me today in an email . It 's to a web site with a bunch of letters written by kids to God . Enjoy and have a great weekend . PSI know I will . My son is staying at his girl friends tonight and that means the Nudist Rules are in effect at my place . Anyone want to come over and hang out ? ; - ) About a week ago I received a telephone call from my mom 's doctor in Michigan . She requested a family meeting in Michigan to discuss my mom 's rapidly progressing dementia and the beginning of the onset of Alzheimer . My mom is forgetting to take her medicine and sometimes even eat . The doctor thinks it 's time to get someone to visit her daily to make sure she takes her meds and prepare her a meal or two . My brother and I will be flying there probably next week . That call brought back many memories , so last Sunday I posted a story about the years after my mom and dad were divorced until 1963 when my mom sent me to live with my dad in New York . I decided that today I 'd relive a few more memories of my childhood and repost a story from last year about some carefree days when I was seven . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I lived in Florida from about the age of 4 1 / 2 until half way through the 9th grade in 1963 . My father was a lineman by trade and my mother was a housewife . When the work got scare for my father in one place , we 'd move to where ever he could find work . My mom told me that sometimes my father would come home on a Friday tell her to pack . We had to move right away and be in a new place on Sunday , so he could start a new job Monday morning . I remember living in these places ; St . Petersburg , Clearwater , Boynton Beach , Starke , Hypoluxo , Jacksonville . I 'm sure there were more , but that 's all I can remember . We lived in three different places in Jacksonville alone . In 1955 we moved from St . Petersburg to Clearwater . Here we are doing what we did practically every weekend , fishing . We didn 't have very much , but one thing my father made sure of , was that we always had a boat . In Clearwater , we lived in an apartment above the garage behind our landlords house . I loved that place . The house was across the street from a park with a playground . The best part about living there was sliding down the banister of the stairs that went up to the apartment . These are my father 's parents . If you guessed they are Polish , Posted by About a week ago I received a telephone call from my mom 's doctor in Michigan . She requested a family meeting in Michigan to discuss my mom 's rapidly progressing dementia and the beginning of the onset of Alzheimer . My mom is forgetting to take her medicine and sometimes even eat . The doctor thinks it 's time to get someone to visit her daily to make sure she takes her meds and prepare her a meal or two . My brother and I will be flying there probably next week . That call brought back many memories , so last Sunday I posted a story about the years after my mom and dad were divorced until 1963 when my mom sent me to live with my dad in New York . I decided that today I 'd relive a few more memories of my childhood and repost a story from last year about some carefree days when I was seven . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I lived in Florida from about the age of 4 1 / 2 until half way through the 9th grade in 1963 . My father was a lineman by trade and my mother was a housewife . When the work got scare for my father in one place , we 'd move to where ever he could find work . My mom told me that sometimes my father would come home on a Friday tell her to pack . We had to move right away and be in a new place on Sunday , so he could start a new job Monday morning . I remember living in these places ; St . Petersburg , Clearwater , Boynton Beach , Starke , Hypoluxo , Jacksonville . I 'm sure there were more , but that 's all I can remember . We lived in three different places in Jacksonville alone . In 1955 we moved from St . Petersburg to Clearwater . Here we are doing what we did practically every weekend , fishing . We didn 't have very much , but one thing my father made sure of , was that we always had a boat . In Clearwater , we lived in an apartment above the garage behind our landlords house . I loved that place . The house was across the street from a park with a playground . The best part about living there was sliding down the banister of the stairs that went up to the apartment . These are my father 's parents . If you guessed they are Polish , Posted by Remember that first dance the bride and groom dance at the reception as a married couple ? It 's usually so tender and sweet and sometimes it even brings a tear to your eye . This video is of a bride and groom 's first dance and will certainly bring a tear to your eye , but not because it 's tender and sweet . Click on the picture to watch the video . Remember that first dance the bride and groom dance at the reception as a married couple ? It 's usually so tender and sweet and sometimes it even brings a tear to your eye . This video is of a bride and groom 's first dance and will certainly bring a tear to your eye , but not because it 's tender and sweet . Click on the picture to watch the video . My mom struggled to raise three kids after my dad and her were divorced . I was about 12 at the time . My mom was a house wife that hadn 't worked in 20 years , so of course her secretarial skills were obsolete . She eventually got a job working in a hotel office in Jacksonville for $ 60 a week . It was the early 60s and that $ 60 paid for little more than rent and bus fare for her to get to work . That didn 't leave much left for anything else . We ate a lot of bacon and eggs , grits , pancakes and cottage cheese with pineapple for dinner . She 'd fry the bacon and then break the eggs over the bacon , which made for a very greasy meal . My brother still doesn 't like eating eggs to this day because of that . When there wasn 't enough money to go to the laundromat , our clothes didn 't get washed , so my " clean " clothes came from the bottom of the laundry pile . I guess they somehow were cleaner than the ones at the top of the pile . When the kerosene ran out and there was no heat , we put old newspapers between the blanket and sheet . My brother read that newspaper was an insulator and we would be warmer . You couldn 't prove that by me , so often slept in my clothes . We lived in one of the poorer areas of Jacksonville on the second floor of a two story house not too far from the Gator Bowl and right down the block from a bridge over the St Johns river . There was a church on the corner across the street and a small grocery store on the far corner . I lived at the " white " end of the block and the " colored " lived at the other . That block was a " neutral " block , but neither the whites or coloreds dared cross the line and enter the other 's territory or risk getting their ass kicked or worse . I never did cross the line . I walked the couple of miles to school , Andrew Jackson Senior High School . Past the Chock Full of Nuts coffee plant and other plants whose names I 've long since forgotten . Andrew Jackson was an inner city school with a Georgia clay play ground that we played tackle football on . Officially we played touch football , but the coached didn ' Posted by My mom struggled to raise three kids after my dad and her were divorced . I was about 12 at the time . My mom was a house wife that hadn 't worked in 20 years , so of course her secretarial skills were obsolete . She eventually got a job working in a hotel office in Jacksonville for $ 60 a week . It was the early 60s and that $ 60 paid for little more than rent and bus fare for her to get to work . That didn 't leave much left for anything else . We ate a lot of bacon and eggs , grits , pancakes and cottage cheese with pineapple for dinner . She 'd fry the bacon and then break the eggs over the bacon , which made for a very greasy meal . My brother still doesn 't like eating eggs to this day because of that . When there wasn 't enough money to go to the laundromat , our clothes didn 't get washed , so my " clean " clothes came from the bottom of the laundry pile . I guess they somehow were cleaner than the ones at the top of the pile . When the kerosene ran out and there was no heat , we put old newspapers between the blanket and sheet . My brother read that newspaper was an insulator and we would be warmer . You couldn 't prove that by me , so often slept in my clothes . We lived in one of the poorer areas of Jacksonville on the second floor of a two story house not too far from the Gator Bowl and right down the block from a bridge over the St Johns river . There was a church on the corner across the street and a small grocery store on the far corner . I lived at the " white " end of the block and the " colored " lived at the other . That block was a " neutral " block , but neither the whites or coloreds dared cross the line and enter the other 's territory or risk getting their ass kicked or worse . I never did cross the line . I walked the couple of miles to school , Andrew Jackson Senior High School . Past the Chock Full of Nuts coffee plant and other plants whose names I 've long since forgotten . Andrew Jackson was an inner city school with a Georgia clay play ground that we played tackle football on . Officially we played touch football , but the coached didn ' Posted by Nothing much to report . My son went to his new store to check it out , talk to the store manager and introduce himself to the other department mangers and the people working in his department . His department does 1 / 3 the business his present store does , so this will seem like a vacation for him . It is also a great place to be when it 's your first management position . Now for something to help you get through the weekend . THERE MUST BE 99 words for mammary glands . ( Warning : Loud audio , PG - 13 ) I got the link from Linky & Dinky . Nothing much to report . My son went to his new store to check it out , talk to the store manager and introduce himself to the other department mangers and the people working in his department . His department does 1 / 3 the business his present store does , so this will seem like a vacation for him . It is also a great place to be when it 's your first management position . Now for something to help you get through the weekend . THERE MUST BE 99 words for mammary glands . ( Warning : Loud audio , PG - 13 ) I got the link from Linky & Dinky . My son Brian has been promoted to Produce Manager in the Islandia Stop & Shop Supermarket . He starts at the new store on May 5th . He 's getting a $ 10 . 50 raise to $ 25 . 50 / hour . Considering he will also be working Sundays at time and a half , he 'll be making more money than I ever did . I 'm not jealous , but very , very proud of him and happy that he 'll soon be able to afford to move out and get his own place . Not that I 'm pushing him mind you , but it will be great to be able to walk around naked all the time and snuggle in any room I want , at anytime I want and not worry about him catching me . My son Brian has been promoted to Produce Manager in the Islandia Stop & Shop Supermarket . He starts at the new store on May 5th . He 's getting a $ 10 . 50 raise to $ 25 . 50 / hour . Considering he will also be working Sundays at time and a half , he 'll be making more money than I ever did . I 'm not jealous , but very , very proud of him and happy that he 'll soon be able to afford to move out and get his own place . Not that I 'm pushing him mind you , but it will be great to be able to walk around naked all the time and snuggle in any room I want , at anytime I want and not worry about him catching me . I E - filed my tax returns today . I 'm proud of myself , because that 's a day earlier than usual . One year I was sweating making it by 11 : 59 on the 14th , but didn 't get them in until a few minutes after midnight . I guess that was okay with the IRS , because I didn 't get the penalty letter . Now I just have to see if they penalize me for not paying any taxes until this afternoon . It seems that each time I took money out of my IRAs , I was supposed to tell my broker to take out taxes for the IRS and the state . Another lessoned learned . The 10 % early withdrawal penalty is bad enough , but now this . I won 't be 59 1 / 2 until May 4th , so each time I take money out of the IRAs to buy food , gin & tonic and pay bills , there is a 10 % early withdrawal penalty . Is it May 4th yet ? I read today that they dug up a Red Sock jersey that a Bronx born turn coat planted under 2 feet of concrete in the new Yankee Stadium they are building to jinx the Yankess . It seems that the turn coat construction worker is Red Sox fan . Now that he got caught , he claims it was just a joke . " Can 't they take a joke ? " he said . I guess his friends didn 't think it was a joke , because they did their duty and turned the bum in . Is it a joke that they lost a day of construction digging up the jersey ? NO ! That 's no joke ! How much do you think it cost to dig that stupid jersey up ? It 's a union jobs so you know it cost plenty that 's for sure . I may be a Mets fan , but what he did is unforgivable and he should get life cleaning toilets at Yankee Stadium for what he did . I E - filed my tax returns today . I 'm proud of myself , because that 's a day earlier than usual . One year I was sweating making it by 11 : 59 on the 14th , but didn 't get them in until a few minutes after midnight . I guess that was okay with the IRS , because I didn 't get the penalty letter . Now I just have to see if they penalize me for not paying any taxes until this afternoon . It seems that each time I took money out of my IRAs , I was supposed to tell my broker to take out taxes for the IRS and the state . Another lessoned learned . The 10 % early withdrawal penalty is bad enough , but now this . I won 't be 59 1 / 2 until May 4th , so each time I take money out of the IRAs to buy food , gin & tonic and pay bills , there is a 10 % early withdrawal penalty . Is it May 4th yet ? I read today that they dug up a Red Sock jersey that a Bronx born turn coat planted under 2 feet of concrete in the new Yankee Stadium they are building to jinx the Yankess . It seems that the turn coat construction worker is Red Sox fan . Now that he got caught , he claims it was just a joke . " Can 't they take a joke ? " he said . I guess his friends didn 't think it was a joke , because they did their duty and turned the bum in . Is it a joke that they lost a day of construction digging up the jersey ? NO ! That 's no joke ! How much do you think it cost to dig that stupid jersey up ? It 's a union jobs so you know it cost plenty that 's for sure . I may be a Mets fan , but what he did is unforgivable and he should get life cleaning toilets at Yankee Stadium for what he did . You might remember this story . Last August I had my bathrooms remodeled . Everything went fine until I hired this guy to do some work in the half bath . I paid him to build a custom vanity , which he did , then gave him a sink and $ 300 to have a marble top made to finish the job . A couple weeks goes by and I still haven 't heard from him , so I called him . He told me the marble guy was supposed to drop it off and he 'd call them . More time goes by and I call him again . Still the same story . This went back and forth and of course I got angry . We had some words and that was the last I heard from him . I went by his shop numerous times , but he was never there . I finally in November I gave up and decided to file complaints with the Better Business Bureau and the county Department of Consumer Affairs . I received email from them both that they received my complaint and would look into it . The Better Business Bureau sent me another email telling me that the contractor isn 't licensed , so they have no jurisdiction and suggested I sue in Small Claims Court . I decided not to bother . I didn 't hear from the Department of Consumer Affairs for months , so figured and just write it off and find another contractor to do the job . Now being the king of all procrastinators , I didn 't do that either , but a couple days ago decided to finally make a few calls and a buy another sink . The next morning I got a call from the Department of Consumer Affairs . The man told me the contractor was sitting at his desk . I would get a certified check for the $ 300 and the contractor would call me in a day or two to drop off my sink . I just had to come down to his office when he received the check and sign for it . To say the least I was in shock . It had been five months since I filed the complaint and I never expected to even hear from them . About 15 minutes later the contractor called and we made arrangement for him to drop off the sink that night . I expect to pick up the check early next week . Then I 'll call a place to have the granite top made . This time I 'm goinPosted by You might remember this story . Last August I had my bathrooms remodeled . Everything went fine until I hired this guy to do some work in the half bath . I paid him to build a custom vanity , which he did , then gave him a sink and $ 300 to have a marble top made to finish the job . A couple weeks goes by and I still haven 't heard from him , so I called him . He told me the marble guy was supposed to drop it off and he 'd call them . More time goes by and I call him again . Still the same story . This went back and forth and of course I got angry . We had some words and that was the last I heard from him . I went by his shop numerous times , but he was never there . I finally in November I gave up and decided to file complaints with the Better Business Bureau and the county Department of Consumer Affairs . I received email from them both that they received my complaint and would look into it . The Better Business Bureau sent me another email telling me that the contractor isn 't licensed , so they have no jurisdiction and suggested I sue in Small Claims Court . I decided not to bother . I didn 't hear from the Department of Consumer Affairs for months , so figured and just write it off and find another contractor to do the job . Now being the king of all procrastinators , I didn 't do that either , but a couple days ago decided to finally make a few calls and a buy another sink . The next morning I got a call from the Department of Consumer Affairs . The man told me the contractor was sitting at his desk . I would get a certified check for the $ 300 and the contractor would call me in a day or two to drop off my sink . I just had to come down to his office when he received the check and sign for it . To say the least I was in shock . It had been five months since I filed the complaint and I never expected to even hear from them . About 15 minutes later the contractor called and we made arrangement for him to drop off the sink that night . I expect to pick up the check early next week . Then I 'll call a place to have the granite top made . This time I 'm goinPosted by I took Brian to the doctor today and the x ray shows some new bone growth . The next appointment is in three weeks and if his range of motion is good , he can go back to work , but no heavy lifting for at least a couple more months . Brian is due for a promotion to manager in May , so he wants to get back to work ASAP so he doesn 't miss out on that . I met a guy a little over a week ago that broke his collar bone in two places last October and they didn 't set it either . It still hasn 't healed even after all this time . Another guy I met broke his collar bone twice and neither time did they set it . All they do now a days is to put you in a sling and have you wait it out . Now if the bone had broken through the skin , then they would of had to operate . But the consensus today is to avoid surgery because the damage it can do to the nerves running down the arm can be worse than the break . If they are damaged , they may never get better . Like several people I read about when I was researching this . One good thing that 's come out of this is that Brian and I have been talking A LOT more and having actual conversations about all kinds of things . : - ) I took Brian to the doctor today and the x ray shows some new bone growth . The next appointment is in three weeks and if his range of motion is good , he can go back to work , but no heavy lifting for at least a couple more months . Brian is due for a promotion to manager in May , so he wants to get back to work ASAP so he doesn 't miss out on that . I met a guy a little over a week ago that broke his collar bone in two places last October and they didn 't set it either . It still hasn 't healed even after all this time . Another guy I met broke his collar bone twice and neither time did they set it . All they do now a days is to put you in a sling and have you wait it out . Now if the bone had broken through the skin , then they would of had to operate . But the consensus today is to avoid surgery because the damage it can do to the nerves running down the arm can be worse than the break . If they are damaged , they may never get better . Like several people I read about when I was researching this . One good thing that 's come out of this is that Brian and I have been talking A LOT more and having actual conversations about all kinds of things . : - ) The Rules : 1 ) Write your own six - word memoir about yourself . 2 ) Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you 'd like . 3 ) Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible , so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere . 4 ) Tag five more blogs with links . 5 ) And don 't forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play ! Here 's mine : Living my life to the fullest . I try to do that each and every day , because I have no idea how long I have on this earth . Life can throw you a curve at second and the next thing you know , KABOOIE and your gone . So my friends , take it from me and enjoy your life each and every day to the fullest , for as long as God allows , because you never know when it 's KABOOIE . I never pass these tags along , but this time I 'm making and exception . I want you five to really think about your own your own six - word memoir . I 'm tagging Barman , Lime , PattyCake , Gab and SignGurl . Posted by The Rules : 1 ) Write your own six - word memoir about yourself . 2 ) Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you 'd like . 3 ) Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible , so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere . 4 ) Tag five more blogs with links . 5 ) And don 't forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play ! Here 's mine : Living my life to the fullest . I try to do that each and every day , because I have no idea how long I have on this earth . Life can throw you a curve at second and the next thing you know , KABOOIE and your gone . So my friends , take it from me and enjoy your life each and every day to the fullest , for as long as God allows , because you never know when it 's KABOOIE . I never pass these tags along , but this time I 'm making and exception . I want you five to really think about your own your own six - word memoir . I 'm tagging Barman , Lime , PattyCake , Gab and SignGurl . Posted by Yesterday I went outside to my car to go food shopping and get a haircut . The problem this time , was my car wouldn 't start . Not only wouldn 't it start , but it DEAD , DEAD , DEAD ! ! ! The radio didn 't even work . MOFO , SOB , WTF ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I started to wonder if someone had stole my battery or some , because a dead battery isn 't completely dead and I should have at least been able to turn on the radio . So I popped the hood and everything looked like it was there , so now it was time to use my well tuned troubleshooting skills . I used to work on all my cars before they became computerized and I 've been in electronics for almost 40 years , so I figured I had a shot at finding out what was wrong . So I got my volt meter and got to work . The battery read 12 . 45 volts , so that was fine , so it might be a fuse . I opened the fuse box and found the main power fuse for the car . It tested fine too . So it must be a a bad connection somewhere . Remember last Saturday when my car died ? They replaced the battery , alternator , etc . There was only one thing that could be wrong then ! I checked the battery terminal connections and the negative battery cable was loose . I moved it around , back and forth a few times and popped the trunk with the remote . SUCCESS ! ! I went back inside the house , got a wrench and tightened the bolt on the battery . It really was quite loose . The girl that worked on my car just forgot to tighten it . No foul , no harm ! Even I made a mistake once . That was the time I thought I was wrong , but I really wasn 't . ; - ) Yesterday I went outside to my car to go food shopping and get a haircut . The problem this time , was my car wouldn 't start . Not only wouldn 't it start , but it DEAD , DEAD , DEAD ! ! ! The radio didn 't even work . MOFO , SOB , WTF ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I started to wonder if someone had stole my battery or some , because a dead battery isn 't completely dead and I should have at least been able to turn on the radio . So I popped the hood and everything looked like it was there , so now it was time to use my well tuned troubleshooting skills . I used to work on all my cars before they became computerized and I 've been in electronics for almost 40 years , so I figured I had a shot at finding out what was wrong . So I got my volt meter and got to work . The battery read 12 . 45 volts , so that was fine , so it might be a fuse . I opened the fuse box and found the main power fuse for the car . It tested fine too . So it must be a a bad connection somewhere . Remember last Saturday when my car died ? They replaced the battery , alternator , etc . There was only one thing that could be wrong then ! I checked the battery terminal connections and the negative battery cable was loose . I moved it around , back and forth a few times and popped the trunk with the remote . SUCCESS ! ! I went back inside the house , got a wrench and tightened the bolt on the battery . It really was quite loose . The girl that worked on my car just forgot to tighten it . No foul , no harm ! Even I made a mistake once . That was the time I thought I was wrong , but I really wasn 't . ; - ) " Two score , nineteen years , four months and twenty nine days ago , my mother and father brought forth on this continent a new baby , conceived in lust , and dedicated to the proposition that life shall be lived to it 's fullest . " I 've lived life to the fullest . In high school I drank , smoked , stayed one step ahead of the police and generally screwed off too much and barely graduated . However , graduate I did and on time at 300th in my class of 334 and here 's proof ! Happy HNT ! " Two score , nineteen years , four months and twenty nine days ago , my mother and father brought forth on this continent a new baby , conceived in lust , and dedicated to the proposition that life shall be lived to it 's fullest . " I 've lived life to the fullest . In high school I drank , smoked , stayed one step ahead of the police and generally screwed off too much and barely graduated . However , graduate I did and on time at 300th in my class of 334 and here 's proof ! Happy HNT !

Home | Audalis | DM 's Corner | Players ' Guild | Alacrity 's Magic Items | Forums | Chat | Archives | Armoury | Vault | Loaded Dice | Old Wizard | Blog | Shop RDI | Links | Support RDI This menu was provided for silly users like you who don 't use javascript ! We currently have 3621 registered users . Our newest member is sinful _ hopes . Online members : Username Password Not a member ? Join today ! | Forgot your password ? Latest Updated Forum TopicsTrilogy War Q / ALooking for 1 playerRocinante QAST : EoD Q & AHorde of the Dragon QueenLatest Blog EntriesRevenge of the Drunken DiceLatest WebcomicsLoaded Dice # 80 : PrioritiesRPG MB # 12 : Slime is SlimeFloyd Hobart Filler : Dead Dead DeadThere are currently 0 users logged into DragonChat . Is the site menu broken for you ? Click here for the fix ! You are here : Home - - > Forum Home - - > Recent posts by Alacrity Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 15 : 00 : 17 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : Excellent I added it to your character . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 14 : 41 : 04 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : is there a joke there ? Should I know the name Kenneth McCormick ? Lost on me . . . . Well , I have to say that is one damn pretty Captain ! ! ! We may have to add Allure ( major ) if you wear the tightpants . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 12 : 11 : 25 . Edited on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 12 : 12 : 32 by Alacrity Topic : Destiny 's Flight - A Serenity RPGSubject : Destiny 's Flight - A Serenity RPG If you want to hear the song ) - the video is silly but the song is great . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 51 : 59 . Edited on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 02 : 01 : 46 by Alacrity Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : Bada I have posted the characters that I have so far . Just waiting on DB . Also started the game thread so I can get started when the crew is done . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 41 : 12 . Edited on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 02 : 04 : 53 by Alacrity Topic : Characters in Destiny - a Serenity RPGSubject : The Medic ( NPC ) Doctor Stephanie Young Stephanie young was a doctor for many years before the unification war began and was well known as one of the best surgeons in the � verse . She was a surgeon by the time she was 26 , a chief surgeon at 30 and became chief resident of the Emergency by 35 . She went on to develop new techniques and methods of surgery that saved hundreds of lives . Always on the go , she never found time for relationships and never married . During the war she was in charge of a state of the art mobile hospital on the alliance side . What made her famous was her passion to save lives and refusal to separate patients by which side they were on . She became a � darling � of the news vids during the war for her passionate fight to keep soldiers alive and her well - documented fights with military brass about treating enemy soldiers . Her reputation was so well known and popular that the Alliance had to bow to her wishes or risk public relations disasters . Her ship was shot down about midway through the war and she was captured by independence fighters who knew her from the vids and reputation . She continued her work as a doctor for the Browncoats but under the same stipulations she had before , that she treated everyone equally not just one side . When the war ended , she was decorated by both sides as hero of the war . The medals meant little to her as she more thought about all those she couldn � t save . She tried to resume a normal life and was offered a high position in the Arial hospitals but she found her job was mostly admin and didn � t enjoy it . She took to doing work at a charity clinic where she at least felt she was doing some good . It was through the clinic that she met Captain Jon , who was shot up bad after a botched job . She joined the crew shortly after that on a whim to see the � verse and find � herself � . The truth is she has a secret love for Captain Jon but won � t act upon it due to their age differences . Of the crew , only Tess and Grace know of the unrequited love . Stephanie has a gift of reading people medically by touch . She can diagnose someone with the simplest of contact , and this ability has served her well over the years . For people she is very close to , she can sometimes know when they are in trouble or in danger . Only Jon and Grace are aware of this gift although Jon has not confronted her on it and really doesn � t know how to express his suspicion . On the other hand , Grace has already determined ( in her own mind ) that the doctor was experimented upon by Alliance scientists and escaped which is why she came abroad the ship � to keep moving and avoid detection ( and her secret is safe with Grace ) . Stephanie is a consumate professional , very self - possessed , and has a bearing to her that immediately demands respect . She is well known , well respected and is prefectly willing to use that to get her own way . She is fiercely loyal to ship and crew , especially the captain . She is very quiet mostly , a good listener and always willing to be there for someone without any demands . If working on someone as a doctor , she can become super focused on her task , so much so that she will ignore a gunfight going on to save a life . The doctor has no family , no children and has never married . Her romantic life is best described by her as many ships passing in the night but never docking for more than a few days . Mean left hook ( Minor ) - Thanks to his fake left arm and the increased striking power he can do a lot of damage . Of course that � s if the arm works . ( See Below ) Steady Calm ( Minor ) Even in the most dangerous situations , Kane seems like ice , never revealing what he is thinking . Great at stand - offs and gambling . Tough as nails ( Minor ) - Due to his very nature and familiarity with pain it takes a lot to slow him down . Hooked ( Minor ) - Very heavy chain smoker when intoxicated . Loyal ( Minor ) - To crew of Destiny . These people saved him from the streets and have become his family he won 't let anyone mess with them CLOTHING WORN : Wears a rugged pair of faded jeans , held up by a normal looking belt . Wears a tanned vest over a gray shirt covered by an old Mexican style poncho to hide his skinless bionic arm . Wears a pair of well worn combat boots under jeans . Sometimes wears a thin hat most time just a pair of ray ban mirrored sunglasses to help hide eyes from the sun . Under all this wears a ballistic mesh undershirt . Jeremiah Christian Kane was born on Regina to proud parents who ran a prosperous farm and cattle ranch . Jeremiah � s mother died suddenly in child birth as she was giving birth to his sister when he was only 9 due to an undiscovered bad heart . His father raised the two of them the best he could alone , with many a farm hand to keep an eye on them as well . When he was 12 and Jessica 3 , Jeremiah found a series of data disks that had belong to his mother that had been moved to storage . Curious , he found that they contained many books , old stories from Earth that Was , about a time of knights , warriors , chivalry and castles . He read them all over and over again � at first because they had been his mother � s but then later on because he loved the stories . Jeremiah helped out around the farm and was never afraid of hard work . In his teenage years from age 16 - 20 he discovered hover - bike racing and the joy of thrill seeking at high speeds . In fact he won more then a few tournaments and could have gone on to interplanetary racing but his father became ill when he was 20 and he had to stay home to help with the ranch and take care of his sister . The word of a war coming was rumbling around at this time , but he didn � t pay much attention to that as he had the farm and family to mind . His father died a year later and Jeremiah though he missed the thrill of racing was content to take over the farm . But shortly afterwards the funeral , the Alliance men came with papers and documents saying that his dad owed back taxes and they claimed the farm as payment . Jeremiah tried to fight them but it was in vain . They brought lawyers and when he refused to budge they brought soldiers . Jeremiah was tossed out of his home with a bag full of clothing and box of personal possessions . To add insult to injury , the soldiers set fire to his home and let it burn to the ground , no one realizing at the time that 12 year old Jessica was hiding in the basement . As they held him and he watched his home of 21 years burn no one realizing until too late his sister burned too . The next week the land was sold at auction for less than half its worth , and the livestock was appropriated by the military for foodstuff . Through out the week before and the day of the sale the Alliance realtors cared nothing one even going so far as to mock her death . JC in a fit of rage killed him and found himself with a price on his head ; his hatred of the Alliance was born . Jeremiah joined the independent army a month later , his need for revenge driving him . With his anger for what had happened to his sister in full strength , he still somehow carried with him a na � ve sense of honor and a desire to seek justice like the knights in the stories he read . Over the next five years of the war , Jeremiah learned a lot about heroics , glory and war . Made friends with a number of fighters and came to learn he had a lightening fast skill with a pistol and an affinity for all guns . Learning from the best and finding himself part of Captain Jonathan Brown � s company he found himself becoming very close to the Captain , Tess Zhou , and the rest of the unit . Through his actions , Jeremiah or JC was to become known as a hero to the independence , a very fast gunfighter and a man not to be faced . Then the war ended , the Browncoats lost , and without any family or a farm to return to he turned to the only trade left to him , shootist . JC had to admit as a Street Boss Enforcer for The White Tiger Tong . Money was good , women were plenty and he had the respect of the lower employee � s and bangers working for the Master . Then one day a normal money run turned into a gun battle whose end found all the hijackers and most of the Master � s men dead and JC without his left arm . If not for the timely , some would say too timely , arrival of the Master and his body guards JC would have bled to death . A week later JC woke to find himself in a private hospital room in the basement of Master � s mansion with a new bionic left arm . For another week JC found himself rehabbing and getting used to the new arm and what seemed glitch after glitch . Then one night while he was supposed to be under sedation for another operation to add skin to his arm , he overheard two of the Master � s bodyguards talking . The discussion as Kane listened quietly was about how the Master had set up the money run as a trap to draw a rival in and take them out with no forewarning to JC or his crew . In a matter of ten minutes his loyalty to the White Tigers changed . Drawing the two bodyguards into his room he quickly killed both then proceeded to kill the Master and every White Tiger member in the house . Having fled the Master � s home , for the first time since the war Kane found himself really alone spending the next few weeks in intense pain from the arm and drinking to deal with it , even at one point becoming so depressed he thought of suicide . However during this time he heard from his still many underworld friends about a ship called Destiny and her Captain Jonathan Brown . Having no where else to go and the pain so intense to take much longer he made a plea to his old friend for help . Where Kane was hoping only for money for more booze or the more recently the wanted black market pills to over dose on , Jon took him instead to the ship Destiny andJC is now part of the crew and dealing with the arm . Though he still has trouble with it , he has Grace to re - calibrate it as needed due to a faulty servo in it . There are still times when the darkness comes for him . Times where memories of his sister , the war , and his time as the White Tiger � s enforcer drag him back into the shadows . Times where drinking and smoking overtake him once more but in these times he keeps to himself and away from the Destiny . His crewmates , his family linked in blood support him just the same when he returns , and he always returns . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 28 : 10 . Edited on 2013 - 09 - 10 at 17 : 22 : 39 by Alacrity Topic : Characters in Destiny - a Serenity RPGSubject : The Mechanic Character Name : Grace Lin My name is Grace Lin . My father worked at Blue Sun . He wasn � t the president but he was pretty close to it . So we had a lot of money . When I was born , my father decided that I would be raised to be perfect . I learn everything proper . From keep my hair neat to table manners . I was raised to believe that the Alliance was wonderful and they made great sacrifices to help us . When I was six , an incident happened . My nanny wanted more money then my folk were willing to pay . So my nanny tried to destroy one of Father � s vehicles . That when I learn I was good with machines . I fixed the engine and even left enough evidence to get my nanny sent to jail . After that little incident , my father started showing me off to all the other rich folk . A lot of people thought I was perfect . However I was far from it . I hate all those parties and I loath those useless folk . However I didn � t do anything to upset my parents . I practise fixing machines . After those parties , it felt good to get greasy . It felt like I was proving that I wasn � t someone � s little doll . When I was twelve , things got really interesting ; I was now better at fixing things then Father � s mechanics . I was allowed to walk through the gardens . I found a way out of the garden . Now I could go into town . That when I met Matthew . Some cop had caught him trying to steal some money . Matthew was bad mouthing the officer . The officer punched Matthew in frustration . Some instinct stepped in and I called out at the officer for striking the boy . The officer knew who I was . After the officer left , I turned my attention to him . Matthew didn � t like me . He told me he didn � t need a girl � s help and he stormed off . We met again some time later . He got into a fight with a guy and ended up with a broken hand . I ran into him cursing because someone broke his hovermule . He wasn � t happy to see me smirking at his problem . He call me a prissy doll and to go away . I told him I could fix it and he didn � t believe me . So I fixed it right in front of him . That surprise Matthew . He asked me for my name and told me his . He needed help to the hospital so I helped . As we were heading there , we talk . I learned stuff about the rim planets and about Matthew . Over the course of the year we became close friends . I snuck out to see Matthew . He gave me a lot of stuff to think about . He told me bout his two brothers . As I became closer to Matthew the more I realize how much the people I had trusted had lied to me . Matthew trusted me now and told me about how he and his friends some times did illegal things . I knew Matthew was a bit of a smuggler and thief . Then the war started . My father supported the soldiers . He soon had a lot of Alliance ships in his possession . Matthew older brother had joined the independence . Then a couple weeks later he got a letter saying his brother was dead . An Alliance ship had shot the ship he was on down . Matthew was heart broken and swore he was going to get the Alliance for it . I found out later that it was my Father � s Ship that shot the ship down . Some inside me snapped . An anger inside grew and took control . I stormed into my father study . My Father was startled at my anger so it took a few minutes for him to react . I lashed my anger out at him and even started swearing at him . My Father and I fought for a while . It ended when my father slap me . That really hurt and while I was getting over the surprise . My Father told me I was going to be kept in my room . He was going to find out who had taught me the words and about the war and have him or her killed . Then he sent me to my room . I knew better then just to stay in there and cry . I grabbed a bag and stuff the little clothes I had that weren � t dresses . I also packed my tool kit . Then I ran away from home . I went straight to Matthew . I knew I had to warn him . However as soon as I saw him , I started crying . Matthew saw me and comfort me as I told what had happened through my tears . After I was done , Matthew was quiet . Then he told me that he was going to take care of me . He took me to where he and his friends were staying . I met Roger and Hail . Matthew explained that he was planning to steal the Alliance newest ship for shooting down his brothers . Hail � s face got real sour when I offered to help . However Roger was looking excited . I knew exactly where to find the ship they were looking for . We plan to do that night . The four of us headed to where they kept the ships . The newest ship was the Alliance Patrol & Enforcement Cutter . And the four of us stole it . We started the crime business . We did smuggling and any kind of job we could get . The Alliance didn � t bug us because our ship was one of theirs . Hail and I didn � t get along . However Roger liked me and I proved many times how useful I was . I made friends with some folk in our trade . Things got complicated between me and Matthew . It was hard for us to do anything when the other one was near by . We end up doing something really silly . We final realize we were in love with one another . It kind of hard to ignore especially since the ship was tiny . We did our best because we both knew it could be really bad if it went south . Matthew got a letter saying that his other brother was in trouble . He needed Matthew help . Hail and Roger tried to convince him to stay . He wouldn � t listen . He expects me to give him a hard time . I didn � t , I knew he wouldn � t stay . When we separated , he told me he loved me and he come back . The three of us stayed in business . Things got really bad after that . As it turns out Hail had heard there was reward for me . She hated me so much she would sell me out to the Alliance . She sent me and Roger into a trap . The Alliance caught us . Roger and I put up a good fight but there were too many of them . Roger died in the fight . The Alliance arrested me and put me in Larkhill Reclamation Colony on Hera . I was being let go whenthe ship they were transporting me was attacked , but I found Destiny in the Black . I going to find Hail and make her pay . Then I am going to find Matthew . Promise Grace 's behaviour and actions are usually based on her opinion of the people around her . Due to her past experiences , Grace is a little paranoid and uncomfortable around strangers . When among people she likes and trust , she is polite , relaxed and otherwise easy to be around . However when among strangers , it 's a different story . Grace gets very quiet and glares at people with suspicion in her eyes . If she really does not like the person , she avoids them like Reavers and stays in her room or in the engine room . Similarly when the ship takes passengers or anything to do with strangers on the ship , Grace will disappear into the engine room . Over the five years that you have known Grace , she has come to trust you . She is friendly with everyone on the crew . She tends to not talk about her past and she will get annoyed if people press her too much on it . She also does ask that no one but herself go into her room . If she suspects that someone has been in her room , it would not be a good day for them . While she won 't mess up the engines , Grace does know how to break or damage anything that has wires , nuts , bolts or screws in them . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 26 : 02 . Edited on 2013 - 11 - 19 at 02 : 17 : 55 by Alacrity Topic : Characters in Destiny - a Serenity RPGSubject : The Pilot Character Name : Tess � the - devil - made - me - do - it � Zhou When asked about her life before the war , Tess usually just shrugs and mumbles something to the effect of � it doesn � t matter � . Tess and most other young people from Shadow , were some of the first to join the Independents in the war . The plan for total � Utopia � , plus the violent nature of the Alliance was at complete odds with the hard workin � folks of Shadow . Tess herself came from a family of ranchers , something that the family had been doing for generations . Their ranch was the culmination of at least 150 years of hard work , and the Alliance threatened to undermine their way of life by smothering it with rules and regulations . Rules and regulations that were made by go tsao de politicians that had never seen a cow . It could be said that Shadow was hit the hardest during the war . It all depended on who you talk to . What was once a vast , plain swept planet with cattle ranches , granaries , and dotted with towns is now a black rock . The Alliance , in a show of force , bombed the entire surface of Shadow in order to teach the Browncoats a lesson . What happened instead was even greater tenacity and determination from everyone who fought . From the very beginning of her military career Tess showed a great aptitude for driving , specifically piloting . She blamed it on all of that horse riding she had done on the ranch , � You get on � ol ornery on a bad day and you sure feel like you � re flying . Especially if she throws you from the saddle . � Speed was the game , and what a fun game it was . She was soon shuffled into a gunship as the main pilot . When Shadow was destroyed , Tess became increasingly foolhardy . She began pulling off stunts that no ship should be able to perform , and when someone called for a pilot with � more balls then brains � , Tess was almost always chosen . The phrase � the devil made me do it � was often used by Tess after a near impossible feat , mostly to the crew that looked a little green around the gills . It was during this time that she developed her belief in her lucky charms . Certain items were always present when she completed the death defying stunts for the Independents , and she began carrying them as talismans for future capers . She is always seen with her goggles , a few black feathers fixed to her hair , and the pockets of her cargo pants show oddly shaped lumps through the fabric . Tess ? Oh sure , she � s easy enough to work with . You could say that she gets a little flip sometimes , but her general demeanor is fairly pleasant . Her humor can get pretty confusin � , it usually sounds just like every other gorram sentence that falls out of her mouth . I think we � ve all lost our lunch a time or two after one of her stunts , but she says she � s keeping that to a minimum . Well , she says that right after sayin � � Devil made me do it � . Don � t talk too much � bout her life before the war , but she � ll jaw your ear off about cows and horses if you give her an opportunity . It � s pretty easy to see that Tess considers Destiny her home , and everyone on it her family . That girl loves this ship . She and the captain have some kind of history . Not that kind of history , they were in the war together . The two can go rounds , giving each other a ration of luh suh , but nothing gets ugly . Naw , she � s not one to rile very easy , but if you do get under her skin , an � she goes real quiet , you � d better hide . But like I said , pleasant enough . Don � t go worrying your purty little head about starting an argument with her . She � s even - tempered , sometimes crazy behind the wheel , but still pretty even - tempered . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 22 : 42 . Edited on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 14 : 32 : 59 by Alacrity Topic : Characters in Destiny - a Serenity RPGSubject : The Captain Name : Jonathan � Jon � Brown Born to a single mother who died during childbirth on a merchant ship ( Pale Sun ) in the middle of the Black , Jon came into a life filled with setbacks before it even began . Having nothing from his mother save his name , Jon was informally � adopted � by the ship 's captain ( Kent Clarke ) and crew , and for nearly the first twenty years of his life the Black was the only home he knew . Taking on a role as the ship 's official � mascot � until he was old enough to actually assist , he spent the majority of his childhood shadowing the ship captain , mimicking his actions and pretending to captain the ship on his own , much to the amusement of the crew . Every moment he could spare he spent around the crew , learning what they were doing , and occasionally pointing out how they could achieve the same ends with less effort . By the time the war had begun , Jon was a respected crewman on the ship , and there were rumours someday he 'd probably be running it himself . ( Captain Clarke is still flying the Pale Sun to this day ) In the war , Jon 's natural leadership skills and unwavering resolve quickly moved him through the Independent ranks , eventually leading him to a captain 's positions on a handful of missions as the war dwindled down . It was on these missions that he first developed a camaraderie with a young female pilot , Tess , who was every bit as cocky as him , and to his relief quite a bit luckier . After a series of small successes between the pair of them , they embarked on a near suicide mission in the heart of Alliance space which led to their capture , and subsequently their escape and discovery of Destiny . His tendency to get himself into trouble gives him opportunities to shows what years of military training and leadership can do , and though not the strongest or quickest man out in the Black , he 's one of the most confident , and hopes his calm and levelhead will help him and his crew out when things go down . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 19 : 20 . Edited on 2013 - 11 - 19 at 02 : 23 : 04 by Alacrity Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : hello Moved this thread to the QnA area . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 15 : 52 . Topic : Characters in Destiny - a Serenity RPGSubject : Characters in Destiny - a Serenity RPG Name : Destiny Stats Quirk : It occasionally vents cool mist in certain areas ( 2 , 3 , 6 , 7 , 15 and 21 ) . This mist swirls and disappears quickly and is no harm to anyone . However some of you have noted that the mist often looks like a lady dressed in white . A ghost ? Well , no one believes in ghosts do they ? Upgrades Posted on 2011 - 04 - 26 at 01 : 12 : 48 . Edited on 2014 - 04 - 12 at 18 : 47 : 16 by Alacrity Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : sigh grugg - you are scaring me . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 25 at 19 : 36 : 22 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : yeah . . . . . right The crew doesn 't have a " face " person . Someone to do the talk , walk the walk and never balk . You have a strong captain , a good pilot , a good medic with generalist skills , a formidable hired gun , and a strong mechanic with black market connections . I was thinking you needed someone who could talk to the moneyed individuals , the lords , the indusrialist , the underworld kings , the contacts and so on . Much like Willow does in Rocinante - the captain comes along but Willow does most of the talking . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 25 at 14 : 54 : 00 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : blurbs You can post here or pm me for the blurbs . I have asked DB to rethink his character to fil la vojd I noticed . Other than that , things are moving along . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 25 at 03 : 18 : 11 . Edited on 2011 - 04 - 25 at 03 : 18 : 32 by Alacrity Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : posting characters I will be busy most of today as it is Easter . I would like to start posting the completed character however , quite a few sent to me are not complete . I need a few backgrounds because this game is background rich and I do use the backgrounds within the game . If i get a moment tonight before I go to bed I will PM everyone as to what I need for them . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 24 at 13 : 41 : 47 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : I will take I can alway go back and take down the link for other photos so it doesn 't clogg things up . But as long as we say the doors are there . Still waiting on the captain . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 23 at 19 : 21 : 41 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : Excellent work Celeste The only thing missing are the doors on the utility hall and the engine room . Believe me , if there is a decompression , you want the airlock blast doors . But this is great . Thanks Celeste . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 23 at 19 : 10 : 30 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : hand drawn Yes , I 'm old school ! I prefer pencil and graph paper . Odyson will make a joke here about my crudely drawn map . Here is my reinterpretation and a review of the need for airtight blast doors if the worst happened . I have put a lift to all levels to haul injuried and equipment . The passengers have a circular stairs to get to their rooms , the engine room has a secured door and Grace has a ladder to her rooms . MMV suggested a trap door in the floor of the galley in case you are ever boarded and need a way that no one else knows about . Med is on the lower level , Captain is near the bridge and the exercise room has doors cause who wants to watch guys working out . ( Grace will install a secret webcam girls ) Posted on 2011 - 04 - 23 at 17 : 02 : 31 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : nice work What program are you using ? I like it . And what is the font ? You technically don 't need a head . Serenity didn 't have one and each room would have a fold out privy as shown in the Firefly series . As to a shower - that is unlikely . The water is self contained within the ship and could not be wasted on showers . The toilets are not water based either which is why you have to pay to have your sanitation flushed when you are at port . Remeber the scene in the pilot where Inara is bathing with a sponge and dish ? ( vividly ) Zoe speaks about awaiting the joy of a real bath with running water . That is life on a tramp freighter . When you dock , many space port 's have rentable showers and baths . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 23 at 11 : 02 : 30 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : couple of things The missile turret will hold a hover mule . Heck , Grace could even install a drop / lift - just don 't try to operate without being in atmo . Posted on 2011 - 04 - 23 at 02 : 02 : 56 . Topic : Destiny Flight - QnASubject : flat The utility deck is one level only . That section of the ship is smaller than the rest , like a big old tube .

It 's too rainy to mow . It 's too rainy to work in the garden beds . What 's a guy to do who loves to play outside ? In this case Ed has gone back to working on the shade garden wall . The wall ends are coming together . This flat area of wall bothers Ed . Somehow when working on this part he drifted back to straight . Straight is Ed 's default position ! Part of him really wants to take it down and redo it since he was going for curved . I 'm so pleased that it will stand . It makes this wall distinctively Ed ' sThe two ends of the wall have come together . As Ed works on the wall , he uses wet gravel from the gravel bank to fill in the spaces between the stones . It will dry hard , not as hard as concrete of course , but very firm , yet flexible . He will work on the gap until the top of the wall is level . It might not be perfectly level , but Ed has a great eye , so I bet it will be close . This " back " view of the shade garden shows work yet to be done . Soil and amendments must be added . Weeds need to be removed . One thing we didn 't consider was exactly how we will keep this bed weeded . It 's wider than either of us can reach when sitting on the wall . Time will work out that small detail . The weather forecast is for more rain , and more rain means more wall . The garden has been teeming with birds . There are still lots of flowers , but many of the plants have gone to seed . Seed heads of all sizes and shapes are there for the different birds to eat . This sunflower is nearly empty . The smaller ones are picked cleaner still . It 's been dreary and rainy for several days , but the birds were still out there . Yesterday there were more robins than I could count . The migrating birds are moving through . The blue jays , woodpeckers , nuthatches , chickadees , and perhaps a pair of cardinals will stick around to help clean up when the others have moved the party further south . We will reward them with suet and a full bird feeder , thankful that they stay here with us . Sometimes when you wait for a Monarch butterfly to hatch before you harvest your beets , they get just a tad too big . Yes , size matters . I 've heard of yard long beans , but yard long beets ? We grow Rodina cylindrical type beets . I like the fact that when sliced , all of the pieces are are relatively uniform . Since I have plenty of beets the perfect size for freezing , this one just won 't make the cut . Such an over achieving vegetable should be rewarded however , so instead of being dinner , this big beet gets to be just a little bit famous ! Here in the great Northeast we consider ourselves special because our trees display great Fall color . News broadcasts originating from New York City report the development of leaf color . Bus and train excursions move people to see these great color displays . Motels raise their rates during leaf peeping season . It is a little humbling to learn that the source of much of the red color is the trash tree sumac . Sumac growth is rapid and coarse . Annual growth rings are so wide that the trees have little strength . No self respecting country boy would build so much as a campfire with sumac . But it is sumac that supplies much of the red for our Fall display . The tree may be trash but there is no denying the brilliance of its red Fall leaves . Sumac berries supply a food source for overwintering birds . Spring robins are seen picking at the remains of berry clusters . Tea can be made from these red seed heads but it will never replace Orange Crush . Plant nurseries sell a weeping version of sumac . Not bad for a tree that country boys consider to be trash . A decade has passed since these planting beds were established . Pasture grass was retaking this area . I have been mowing around the stakes for entirely too long . The time for a path buffer is now . Squares of sod have been cut and stacked . Large stones have been levered out . Flat stones go to the wall pile . Round ones are used for fill at the gravel bank . Soil is moved to the shade garden . Smaller stones will fill the path . A dry stone wall is laid against the edge board . When the board is removed the little stone wall will keep the soil separate from the path stones . This sounds like excessive work but the last glacier left us with more stone than soil . Gardening is possible only after the stone is removed . All of that stone has to go some place . Why not build a garden path ? Half a century ago the barn on this farm was struck by lightening and burned . Rubble from the fire was buried in this field . My current dig is in an area filled with fire debris . No metal has appeared on the sifting screen yet , but I keep looking for some . The mixture of soil and ash is dark . It looks like it could be prime soil . Fear of chemical contamination will keep me from planting carrots in this soil . It might grow great flowers . The Mary Stoker mums have been in front of the house for 2 years now . They really are a favorite . Chrysanthemums have a special place in Ed 's heart . His great grandfather had them in his garden . It never dawned on us , however , that New England asters would be such a fantastic combination plant for them . Yellow and purple are a favorite color combination , and both plants bloom in the fall . It took a self - sewn aster among the chrysanthemums to call our attention to the possibilities . Plans are being made to divide the mums and transplant asters so that we can enjoy more of this winning combination next year . It 's nice to plan your garden , but sometimes the garden plans itself with inspiring results . It 's time well spent to get a bed all weeded and ready for the coming winter . This summer sweet had a difficult year . The June frost hit just when it was starting to leaf out . For a long time the plant looked dead . It recovered but , we had only one or two of the white fragrant flowers that usually cover this plant . Amy and Ed discovered summer sweet while hiking . Its fragrance is a reminder of that special day . We go all out to help this specimen any way we can . The cage will keep the deer from grazing on it this winter . The small offshoot needs protection from rabbits . The bed has been weeded and amended . The plan is to move the daughter plant to a North facing slope . In theory the glancing contact from the low sun will warm soil there slowly . Holding the frost in the ground a little longer should delay leaf out . Extra time dormant may lessen damage from late frosts . Last night Jack Frost did a little sneaking around in our garden . This cute , round spicy globe basil was just kissed by the frost . The top is all brown , but the leaves near the ground are still green . The rest of our basil got more of the kiss of death except for a few plants on top of an old compost pile . There the frost swept by missing the basil , but laying it 's nasty brown kiss on the butternut squash leaves right next to it . Some of our tender plants like the moonflower escaped completely . We were not expecting the frost last night . We did bring in the pots of sweet bay . It 's a lucky thing we did . Sweet bays don 't tolerate even a whisper of frost . In our defense , it was overcast , and we really thought the garden would be safe . Tonight is a different story . The sky is clear and cloudless . The severe weather warnings were issued days ago . I picked the peppers . The potted plants are in the basement . Tomorrow morning I expect to wake up to a frosted white garden . tonight 's predicted low is 35 degrees . Only July and August were frost free for us in 2009 . Next year I hope we can do better ! Today was the day . The monarch emerged sometime after 11 : 30 . We missed the actual event , arriving home in time to take the picture above . What had started out to be a sunny day became over cast and threatening . Strong wind gusts and scattered rain caused us great concern . The butterfly hung on the mallow close to the chrysalis for several hours . Such a beautiful and complicated creature . This butterfly , born at the stone wall garden , will feed then head south . If she makes it through the entire migration , she will spend the winter in Mexico . We are located near the confluence of two valleys . Topography concentrates the migrating butterflies as they fly over us . We have seen no signs indicating that the migration is underway . For now our butterfly is free to feed on our flowers in preparation for her journey . How she knows this is a mystery to me . It was after 4 : 00 when I finally got a chance to catch her with open wings . Mature males display two dark scent glands visible on the wings . The absence of these markings suggests that ours is female but reproductive organs are incompletely developed at this stage . Whatever the reality we will look for a bright new Monarch tomorrow and wish her well when it is time for her to leave . Finally the orange and black is showing through the chrysalis shell . There 's real hope for the hatching of this Monarch tomorrow . As it happens I have to go somewhere tomorrow morning . Whether I get pictures of it or not , if this butterfly hatches and flies away , I will be happy . I really love watching the monarchs fly south on their way to Mexico . Some stop at the garden or in the fields of goldenrod and New England asters to eat . Others are higher and just fly on by without stopping . Having one start on its journey from the stone wall garden is a wonderful bonus . Death is not usually a subject featured here . Occasionally something so special is seen that it must be included even though the animal is dead . We had nothing to do with this animal meeting its ultimate fate . When we happened on it the deed had been done . John Burroughs wrote of killing the birds that he studied . In his later years he grew to regret that action and observed as best he could from a living distance . References to brown skunks speak only of their existence but feature no picture . This is the first brown skunk that we have ever seen . The unusual color is not the result of the accident nor does it appear to be a stain . None of the reddish brown color is on the black fur . It looks like natural color . We encountered a car stopped in the road its occupants examining the skunk . Our arrival seemed to embarrass them and they left . We felt no such shame . Becky watched for oncoming traffic while I stood in the middle of the road taking pictures . An approaching school bus from the district where I formerly taught moved me to the shoulder of the road . After a wave to the driver it was back to work . We felt fortunate to see this animal . I was certain that it would have been removed to the collection of some naturalist before we could photograph it . Luck was with us . We are still waiting . Two weeks from when we first discovered the chrysalis passed on September 8th . The leaf it is attached to was drooping perilously , so Ed carefully tied it up . I 'm still hoping that this butterfly will hatch . They call me Pollyanna ! The time period for hatching given in " An Extraordinary Life , The Story of a Monarch Butterfly " is 5 to 15 days . We 're a bit overdue . I will keep checking anyway , but at some point I will have to give up and harvest those beets ! The garden is full of surprises . I never expected to see this beautiful little primrose in September . From the look of it the plant will stay green through the winter and then really bloom in the spring . This my first primrose . Amy picked it out , so it 's cheery little flower , so welcome now , reminds me of her . The moon flower bud we have been watching is looking a little brown . The nights are getting pretty cool for a delicate , tender flower . I don 't think this one will open . There are more buds , if the weather warms who knows ? Still it 's fun to go out with the flashlight and check . Breathing in the heady fragrance of the evening scented stock and Nicotiana is a wonderful experience . I must check on our Monarch chrysalis . I have beets to harvest . Sedum Autumn Joy has been placed in the garden . It is hardy with Fall flowers and a Winter display of the spent seed heads . Why it has taken us this long to obtain this plant is an unanswerable question . The reason that we have it now is a special use of the dried seed heads . These can be used to make miniature trees . Making these trees is simplicity itself . The dried seed heads are trimmed to size and cleaned of leaves . The right most sprig is still holding a leaf . A dip in thinned white glue is followed by a sprinkling of ground foam and then allowed to dry . Besides gardening , Ed 's other interest is the New York , Ontario and Western Railroad . Its New Berlin branch ran across the river in sight of our home . An HO model of parts of this railroad is under construction in our basement . The train pictured is coming off of the Sidney Center bridge moving milk to New York City . Many more sedum trees are needed . Our new garden plants will supply the material for the trees . So much for the garden 's Winter display of spent seed heads . Yes , that is a dry stone wall in the foreground . Our wild stone must be broken to provide pieces this small . When Ed headed out the basement door on this beautiful , sunny , September morning , he was greeted by this sun bathing garter snake . There 's nothing like a south facing dry stone wall to appeal to a snake . Living there he 's safe and warm . The sun heats up the rocks so beautifully . The only annoying part of this perfect location is that we pass by so closely . The annoyance works both ways . The snake gives us the creeps , and we make him equally nervous . Ed managed this photo , but when moving little closer for a better shot , he disappeared . The snake is still there , it 's Ed who disappeared . As far as the snake is concerned as soon he couldn 't see the problem , it was gone . With his head tucked safely back in the wall , he was perfectly comfortable again . Just seeing the loops of snake hanging from the wall gives me that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach . I guess I 'll take my cue from the snake and quit looking at it . I had to be up early this morning , and as I dressed in the bedroom , something white caught my eye out in the garden . What I saw was a big surprise ! After the weather we have had , I had all but given up on the idea that the moonflower would bloom this year . It 's really out of its zone here . I buy plants every year anyway . Some years I get flowers , some years I don 't . The huge white flowers that open at night and send out their fabulous fragrance are worth the chance to me , so I grow it and hope . I dressed and went out to the garden to get a picture , and took a long wonderful inhale of its fabulous perfume . It was a magical day brightener in spite of I was about to do . You just have to love country living ! Early in this LONG . . . weekend we discovered that we had a dead mouse in the ventilation system of the car . I say discovered . You could smell the thing without even getting in the car . The morning of the second day there were cat footprints on the hood . Yuck , I thought cats liked fresh mice . With the temperature in the forties , I put on my jacket , rolled down the windows , and drove the half hour necessary to the reach the car dealership . I took a barf bag with me just in case . Two hours and $ 100 later I came back home . Thank goodness the removal was a success ! By the time I got back the moonflower had faded . I knew it would , they only get one night to show off their magical beauty and fragrance . There are more buds on the vine . I will be watching for flowers now . I won 't miss a chance to sit out on the bench after dark to get the full benefit of the moonflower again . I can always use a little magic especially if it smells terrific ! What could be better on such a gorgeous September day that a walk around outside . Amy and I headed off and took the path up the hill disappearing out of sight of the garden . At the top of the hill , Amy 's meadow is a sea of yellow , glowing on this sunny day . As we walked along together I gave her the camera to see what would catch her eye . We followed the path around the high meadow stopping by the garden bed in the back to see of there was a zucchini to be had . We did see one small squash and a couple of blossoms , but nothing big enough to pick . From there we took the path that goes up and down along the fence line . Shaded by the trees , this spider web still glistened with dew from the morning fog . A tiny brown spider is visible tending the web . I love the thorns and think this is quite the photo . One photograph of a huge fly on a milkweed plant was too fuzzy to get a good look . I was a bit disappointed to miss seeing him twice . With lunch time approaching we headed back to the garden . We stood and watched a bumblebee wriggle his way into the blue closed gentian . he wriggled in there and then came back out head first . It 's a fascinating and rare sight . It 's one that I 'm glad Amy got to observe . It 's so bizarre everyone should get to see it . I was not surprised that the red hibiscus caught her camera 's attention . I was however quite surprised by the intriguing close up detail inside the huge red flower . I had never noticed it before . What a fabulous walk on a beautiful day made even more special by doing it together ! There 's a part of me that wants a perfectly weeded and deadheaded garden . I love the look of a formal garden , but that doesn 't fly here . We have Ed 's stone walls and the perfectly rectangular beds , but we also have my self seeded plants that pop up everywhere . This bed is just outside the bedroom window . Now is the time that goldfinches and black capped chickadees spend their day picking out seeds , chasing and chattering right where I can get a close up view . I wouldn 't miss it . Watching birds in the garden is one of the joys of having it . The humming birds are still here . They will leave soon and the goldfinches will go too , but the chickadees will stay here all winter . The least we can do is make it a nice place for them to be . What could be more flamboyant than a red hibiscus ? I first saw flowers like these driving by a house at , let 's say 55 miles per hour . At that speed or even faster , hibiscus flowers are a real eye catcher . The first Hibiscus plant I bought turned out to be white trimmed with pink . It 's beautiful with many large flowers and I love it . Last year I got a chance to buy the red . Wow ! Evening is approaching , and the day 's hibiscus flowers are closing up . They are big and glorious , but one day is all they get . Tomorrow there will be new flowers to take their turn at being flamboyant . I still drive by the house where I first saw the red hibiscus flowers . This year that plant is gone . Being in zone 4 I consider myself lucky whenever my hibiscus plants come back in the spring . Just how long can beauty that intense last anyway ?

Winnie the Pooh tottered along through the woods , humming to himself . " Perhaps today I should go see if Roo wants to have a small smackeral of hunny with me ! " He chuckled as he walked toward Roo 's house , stomach growling as he thought of hunny . When he reached Roo 's house , he saw his old friend Kanga setting up a sprinkler by her flower bed . " Well hello , Pooh ! " she called out , waving to him . " Are you here to see Roo ? " " Alright , he 's inside , I 'll get him in a second . " Kanga said , bending over to turn on the sprinkler . As the water turned on , it sprayed all over her nubile kangaroo body , soaking her . She wiped the water off of her apron . " It 's so hot today , " she sighed , smiling at Pooh again . " I 'm sorry , I 'll go get Roo . " Suddenly , Pooh was no longer thinking of hunny . Every inch of him was thinking of Kanga , and his tumbly was all rumbly , but not in the usual sense . There was a stirring in him that frightened him . . . " Oh . . . Oh bother . . . nevermind , Kanga , sorry . " He grinned and tottered off quickly . As he ran down the path to his favorite thinking spot , he tried to think . He didn 't want hunny anymore , and he still couldn 't stop thinking of Kanga ! He sat down on his favorite thinking log and put his hand under his chin sadly . " Think think think . . . " He sighed . As he thought , Piglet walked past . " Wh - what 's the matter , Pooh ? What are you thinking about ? " Piglet said , hopping onto the log beside him . " Oh bother . . . i 'm thinking about Kanga . " Pooh said . " I just wanted a small smackeral of hunny but as soon as I saw her all wet with water . . . my tumbly got all rumbly and I didn 't want hunny anymore . " " Hoo , I think I know what he wants ! " Owl fluttered down from the trees . " Sorry , old boy , " He said , shrugging his large wings at Pooh , " but I couldn 't help overhear you . What you have now is called the stirrings . " He patted Pooh on the back . " My boy , it 's perfectly normal when growing up to feel this way when you see a woman ! " " He meansssssss you want kangaroo tang ! " a voice called out from below the ground . Suddenly , Gopher popped up , shaking dirt off his head . " Sssssure , Kanga 's a hot one , but you gotta control the sssstirring ! " Gopher said . " Our friend is right , Pooh . " Owl said . " While Kanga may be our friend , I don 't think she will be willing to help you with this certain desire . " Owl patted Pooh on the back once more . " Pooh , go home and lay down on your bed . Think of Kanga for a long time , and soon you 'll notice a change down below . I like to call it ' The Hundred Acre Wood . ' Now when you see this , it will look like a small tree . When you see a hunny tree , what do you do to get what you want ? " Owl clapped . " Exactly ! " He hooted , " So when you see this , put your hand at the bottom of the tree and let it climb to the top . Repeat this over and over until a . . . white honey comes out . When you have that , your desire will end ! " Pooh smiled . " Why thank you , Owl ! I shall go home and try this ! " He hopped off the log and waved goodbye to his friends , heading home to try out Owl 's advice . . . Pooh tottered home , completely distracted by Owl 's earlier advice and his run - in with Kanga . As he walked he could think of nothing but the glistening water running down Kanga 's back , drop by drop . He turned his slow trot into a jog as he tried to get home quicker . As he reached his house he slammed the door behind him , sighing . " Oh bother . . . " he said , shaking his head in confusion . He walked over to his mirror , looking at himself . He looked where Owl had specified down below , and to his astonishment there was indeed a small tree . Before it has been just a soggy log , as Owl had told him long ago , but he had never seen a log sprout back into a tree ! " Oh bother , " Pooh said , cocking his head to the side in confusion , " I can 't say I know why this is happening to me . " He poked the ' tree ' softly and immediately he felt a rumbly in his tumbly once more . And once more his thoughts turned to Kanga . " I have to do what Owl said to do . " he said , shaking his head and hopping onto his bed . Pooh leaned back on his bed , sighing as he tried to remember Owl 's directions to the word . " Put my hand at the bottom of the tree . . . " he mumbled , placing a soft linen hand at the base of his bearhood . Then , just as Owl had said , he climbed it with his hand . " Oh . . . Oh bother . . . " he moaned softly . However , his hand was on the top of the tree but he saw no hunny yet . " Owl DID say to climb over and over . . . " Pooh said , putting his hand at the bottom once more , repeating it and moaning once more . It felt so good . He continued , climbing once , twice , three more times before sighing . No hunny yet , what was he doing wrong ? How many times did he have to do this ? But then he remembered . Owl had said to think of Kanga as he did it ! So as Pooh set his hand on the base of his now throbbing cock once more , he closed his eyes and pictured Kanga . " Well hello , Kanga ! " Pooh said , laughing to himself . But as he pictured her , he was not looking at her face . He was looking below it as she took her apron off . . . Just picturing this sped Pooh 's movements up as he climbed the tree even more rapidly , not even stopping at the tip anymore as he moved back down to climb again . In his mind , Kanga was blowing him kisses . She was caressing her soft breasts . Pooh had never seen Kanga like that before , and it excited him ! Just as he imagined her walking over to him to help him caress his bearhood , he felt something extremely tingly down there . He could almost feel an eruption in his tumbly as he looked down just in time to see the white hunny Owl told him about shoot all over his hand , some passing that and splattering onto his bedspread . Pooh chuckled . " Why , I don 't believe I 've ever had that much fun collecting hunny ! " he said aloud with a laugh . " It must be delicious , even if there is not very much of it ! " With that , he brought his hand to his face and licked off the ' hunny ' , then scowled and coughed . It was terrible ! Salty and bitter , nothing like the hunny he got from the bees ! " Perhaps this hunny is not for eating . . . " Pooh mused . " But it certainly it more fun to collect ! Hoo hoo ! " As Pooh hopped off the bed , he wiped the " hunny " off his bedspread , tottering to the door . As he exited his house , he noticed Owl in a tree not far by . " I say , Pooh , did you do as I instructed ? " The wise old owl asked , smiling widely . Pooh nodded . " I certainly did , Owl , and you were right ! It helped a lot ! " He waved and tottered off once more , feeling refreshed and his mind once again clear and able to concentrate on having fun with his friends . Pooh tottered along the path to Rabbit 's house , the aftertaste of his bear juice still fresh in his mouth . He felt that it would not be too much to ask if he just got a small smackeral of hunny from Rabbit to wash down the bitter salty taste . As he walked , however , he suddenly saw a flash of orange before he was on his back . " Hello , buddy bear ! " His good friend Tigger said , laughing as he hopped off Pooh , whom he had just tackled . " Whatcha doin ' out here ? " " Oh , hello , Tigger . " Pooh said , brushing a bit of dust from his red shirt as he got up . " How nice to see you . I was just on my way to see Rabbit to ask him if I could get just a small smackeral of hunny . You see , I have a bad taste in my mouth and I think just a bite of hunny would help fix that . " " You see , Tigger , " Pooh began , chuckling slightly , " When I look at Kanga lately I feel a very strong rumbly in my tumbly . " He rubbed his stomach for added emphasis . " I asked Owl what that was and he said that if I climb the tree I have down below while thinking of Kanga , I will get special hunny and feel better , and he was right . . . But I certainly didn 't feel better after eating the hunny , hoo hoo ! " Tigger nodded . " I think I know exactly the feeling yer talkin ' about , buddy bear ! " Tigger said , bouncing a bit higher excitedly . " But . . . I don 't feel like dat when I look at Kanga . " " Well . . . whenever I feel dat way , it 's normally when I 'm lookin ' at you guys . Sometimes it gets even stronger after I tackled one of ya . Right now I 'm feelin ' it pretty bad ! " " Oh bother , bother . " Pooh mumbled . " Well , perhaps we should head to Rabbit 's house , and once we get some hunny we can find Owl and ask him if you need to do the same thing as I did . " " Hang on , buddy bear . " Tigger said , crouching down . " You know I gotta pounce on ol ' Rabbit , I always like pouncin ' on him da best ! " With that he crept up behind Rabbit and , once he was in range , sprung out toward him , knocking him off his feet . " What in the name of - Tigger ! " Rabbit exclaimed , shaking his head angrily . " Couldn 't you just say hello ? " But Rabbit could not help but notice something different this time . " Tigger , what 's that jabbing into my leg ? " " Hoo , that , my dear Rabbit , is something wonderful ! " a voice cried out from above . They all looked up to see Owl perched on Rabbit 's roof . " And now that you feel it , look down , Rabbit ! " " Well , Rabbit , I believe that is also something wonderful ! " He hooted and clapped his wings together . " Perhaps , instead of climbing those tiny trees with your own hands , you could assist one another by climbing one another 's trees ! Simply put your hands on one another and begin to move it up and down quickly ! " Tigger and Rabbit both had the unfamiliar rumbly in their tumbly by this point and wasted no time in getting into it . Tigger put his hand at the base of Rabbit 's member , moving it up and down as he looked into Rabbit 's eyes . Rabbit did the same to Tigger 's , but moved a bit slower , a little less certain of himself . Owl laughed . " Oh , Pooh , Kanga doesn 't have anything of the sort down there ! But that , I 'm afraid , is something you 'll have to find out on your own . As my Great Uncle Orville used to say : Women are ever a mystery ! " As Tigger and Rabbit began their new romance among Rabbit 's carrot patch , a lone figure stared at them from across the bridge . Gopher frowned as he watched them begin anew , scoffing . " Everyone but Gopher . . . " the tiny stuffed animal choked out , digging back into his lonely tunnel . " Oh , hi P - p - pooh Bear ! " Piglet stammered . " I was just going to say hello to R - r - rabbit ! " He smiled widely , clapping his hands . " Hoo hoo ! " Pooh said , clapping his hands together as well . " Rabbit certainly is popular today ! Tigger and Owl are both there as well , perhaps you can say hi to them too ! " " Well , ssssonny , that 's private ! " Gopher said , popping out at Piglet 's side and making him gasp , startled . " You sssshouldn 't bother those guys right now ! " " Oh , I see . . . " Piglet stammered , wringing his hands together . " W - w - well , I guess I could go with Pooh to Kanga 's house . . . I c - c - could p - p - probably catch up to him from here . . . " Gopher scowled once more , hiding his face from Pooh with his hard hat . " Sssssso Pooh is heading to Kangassss house . . . " He shook his head and added " That 's probably private too , why don 't you help me out a bit ? " Deeper and deeper into the ground they went , before stopping at the main room of the tunnels . " So wh - wh - what do you need help with , Gopher ? " Piglet said , looking around . As the young stuffed pig looked about , Gopher walked up behind him , laying a hand on his shoulder . " Everyone in the woods is getting help from ssssomeone . . . " Gopher whispered to a now uncomfortable Piglet . " Now could you help me jussst a little ? . . . " Far above ground , Pooh made it to Kanga 's house , to find her now weeding her own garden . " Well , hello Kanga ! " Pooh called to her . " Oh ! Hello again , Pooh ! " Kanga said , waving back . " How are you today ? " She wiped sweat from beneath her chin , and a now familiar feeling stirred within Pooh . " Nothing 's wrong , Kanga . In fact , things feel quite right ! Hoo hoo ! " He chuckled and looked at her once more . " I came to ask you if you could help me with something . " " Oh , Pooh ! " Kanga turned away quickly . " Let me explain something to you . The . . . the special hunny Owl was talking about . . . that 's something you get when you 're with someone you love very much , not just anyone that will help you get it ! " As Pooh returned home , he kicked a small tuft of sand in front of his door idly toward a bush , but then noticed something that caught his eye . . . He toddled over to the bush , shifting through it to see the flash of color he had seen . . . As he saw what was in the bushes tears immediately sprang to his horrified eyes . . . " Oh , Piglet . . . Piglet . . . " He sobbed , holding his old friend close as he wept . He stayed there for nearly ten minutes weeping before he heard another voice . " This is crazy . . . " Gopher said , tipping his hard hat over his eyes . " I just sssssaw Piglet not an hour ago , he helped me with someone down in the tunnels . . . Who could have done this ? ! " He looked to Piglet , then noticed the back of his head . Eeyore 's tail was pinned directly into the back of his skull . " Pooh bear ! " Gopher said , gently taking the tail from Piglet 's head as best he could . " Did you see this ? ! " " I don 't understand why Eeyore 's tail was on Piglet , Gopher . . . " Pooh said , hiccuping slightly as he rubbed his eyes . " What does this mean ? " " No ! " Gopher said , suddenly wide eyed . " Don 't tell the others yet , if Eeyore knows that we know he did it , he might go inssssane and kill again ! " " But we 're close to Rabbit 's house , and Eeyore 's house is close too ! " Pooh said . " I shall go talk to Eeyore and see what he 's done , then tell Rabbit about this . I don 't like keeping secrets , Gopher . . . " Pooh paused before adding with a choked gasp " Especially not one so sad . " With that he toddled off in a half - run toward Eeyore 's hut as Gopher blinked back tears and went back underground . " Eeyore , " Pooh said again , " I have come to ask . . . why did you do it ? " He shook his head quickly , tears flying . " Why did you kill Piglet ? ! " " I would so dearly like to believe you , Eeyore . . . " Pooh said sadly , " But Gopher told me that it was indeed you . Perhaps I should ask Owl , who might still be at Rabbit 's house . . . He 'll know what to do . . . " With that , Pooh ran off toward Rabbit 's house , leaving a terrified Eeyore in his wake . As Rabbit cleaned the dishes inside his house he hummed happily to himself . What a time he 'd had earlier ! He felt so refreshed after his romp with Tigger , he had to remember to thank Owl later for telling them what to do . " Maybe I 'll ask Tigger if he 'd like to come over a bit later , too . " Rabbit chuckled , putting a plate in the cabinet with a grin . His nose twitched , however , as he smelled something burning . Turning around , Rabbit saw something very bright out of the corner of his eye out the window . What he saw was his entire garden ablaze , a giant fire burning every carrot and head of lettuce he 'd painstakingly grown ! With a gasp , Rabbit dashed outside with a rag , slapping at the flames with it futilely . " No , not my vegetables ! " Rabbit gasped . Just as he was about to run inside for more water , he felt something hard hit the back of his head , knocking him off balance and into the fire . The blinding pain from the blow to his head had made him so dazed that it took him a few seconds to even regain his balance as the flames engulfed him . When he was able to move again he looked down to see his hands melting away , the cloth sizzling as he tried to push off the ground pitifully . As he tried to stumble out of the fire he felt his legs give way , and knew in the back of his mind that his legs were melting off . As he stumbled slowly toward the open air once more he felt something hard roll down the left side of his body and looked to the ground . It appeared that his eye had melted completely out of it 's place and fallen off . Suddenly , half blind and burning alive he was able to muster enough strength to fall out of the fire halfway . With his feet still in the flames he used his barely functioning arms to crawl away from the inferno , now nothing more than a pitiful wreck . As he crawled he suddenly saw a figure in his way and looked up , his vision barely there . He blinked , knocking tiny bits of ash from his eye as he made out who it was . " You . . . " Rabbit was able to sputter before feeling another blow to his head , then nothing . Tigger bounced through the woods toward Rabbit 's house happily . After going home , he realized that earlier had been the best time of his life . In fact , as he bounced he realized he was thinking of nothing but seeing Rabbit once more . He chuckled merrily as he rounded the corner , only to find a terrible sight : The entire garden in flames . " What the heck 's goin ' on here ? ! " Tigger yelled , hopping to fan out the flames . He jumped over the fire to get to Rabbit 's house to see if he was okay and saw another frightful sight . " Ssssssay , Tigger , wasn 't expecting you here . . . " Gopher said grimly , a large piece of wood in his hand and a pickaxe in the other . Next to him was something Tigger could not make out at first . It was simply a blackened heap of fur to him . Except for the head , which was in tact , minus the indentation in the skull from where it had been hit by a blunt object and an eye socket where an eye had previously been . " That 's right . " Gopher said . " Looks like I wasn 't in time to ssssave him . . . " He shrugged and pointed into the distance . " Once he cools off , you wanna help me bury him out in the woods ? It 's the least we can do . " Tigger looked at the piece of wood in Gopher 's hands , then at the cave - in of Rabbit 's skull . " Wait a minute here . . . " Tigger said slowly . " Why do you got dat wood ? And what caused dis fire ? . . . " Gopher sighed . " You know the wonderful thing about Tiggers , ssssonny ? " he said slowly , hefting his pickaxe suddenly and swinging it at Tigger 's stomach . It tore though his gut , causing his insides to spill suddenly . " You 're the only one . Ssssso I only gotta worry about killing one of ya . " Tigger winced and backed away . " You 're nuts ! " He screamed , limping away , unable to bounce any longer . He was too far from the bridge already , there was too much fire between it and him . . . But if he could just make it to the bridge and call for help . . . He decided to simply bear it and dropped , rolling through a part of the flames and into the small river under the bridge . The flames that licked at him were put out as he hit the water , and he weakly crawled out onto land , crawling toward the woods . As he crawled , he looked up and saw a hole in the ground with Gopher standing beside it . The smaller animal smiled and said " And the good thing about gophers , sssssonny ? " He swung his pickaxe down , striking Tigger directly between the eyes and ending his life suddenly . " We can dig . " He heard a small gasp in the woods and whirled around to see Roo standing in the clearing , eyes wide . " What in tarnation are you doing here ? ! " Gopher said angrily . Gopher stormed over to Roo , who tripped trying to escape . " You wanna play , ssssonny , well let 's play ! " Gopher dragged him over to the river , where he dunked his head under while he struggled . It took almost two minutes before Roo stopped struggling . Once he went limp , Gopher sighed . " Dry yourself off . " He said , tossing Roo into the now dying fire before hopping into his hole and disappearing . Pooh finally made it to Rabbit 's house , hoping to find Owl , but instead he found the worst possible scenario . Every bad feeling he had felt earlier , every terrified thought he had was now amplified as he walked through the charred remains of the garden and the three bodies of his friends . " Oh , Tigger . . . " Pooh said , looking at his friend 's body in horror before seeing Roo on the other side of the small river , along with someone it took him a minute to recognize as Rabbit . " What should I do ? . . . " Pooh wept , holding his paws to his face . " I don 't know what to do ! " He looked to the three and sighed . " Perhaps I shall confront Eeyore . . . But first I must bury my friends . . . " He could barely choke this line out as he picked up Roo 's tiny body in his arms . " I believe the clearing in the woods is where I shall do it . . . " With that , he walked off toward the clearing , unable to think of anything now . As Pooh went to bury his friends , Gopher went on a mission of his own . He had been digging straight toward Eeyore 's house since killing again . Pooh had been asking questions , next he 'd go to Eeyore and that would lead to Gopher , and Gopher could not allow that to happen . He popped up outside of Eeyore 's hut to find him crying . Gopher paused for a second , smiling inside but absolutely somber on the outside . " Yes , Eeyore . . . He died . And everyone in the 100 Acre Woods thinks you did it . I 'm the only one who is on your ssssside , that 's why I came out here ! " Pooh set down Rabbit sadly into the soft grass of the clearing . For the past hour he had been running back and forth bringing his friend 's corpses to the beautiful spot . With Rabbit , he finally got all of his former friends into one place . " Before I bury them . . . " Pooh sniffed , " Perhaps I should talk with Eeyore and see what has happened . . . " He rubbed his eyes tearily as he wandered toward Eeyore 's house in a depressed daze . As he walked , Kanga was just finishing up baking a nice banana bread when she stopped . " Well , where 's Roo ? " she mumbled , looking out the window for her son . Oh , that 's right ! He was going to play with Tigger ! I should tell him dinner 's almost ready ! " With that , she hopped outside and toward Rabbit 's house . Minutes later , Pooh arrived at Eeyore 's shack , but did not see Eeyore anywhere . " Hello ! " Pooh called weakly , voice cracking from the stress of the day . " Eeyore ? " He glanced down the riverbed , but still did not see him . As he walked into the tall grass behind the shack , however , he stumbled over something . Eeyore . With a gasp , Pooh looked down and saw Eeyore laying still on the ground , a knife clutched in his hands and his wrists still gushing . The poor creature could not bear the horror of life any longer . As Pooh cried out once more , he looked closer and saw a message etched in blood across the dirt in front of him . Pooh saw this and wailed once more , cradling Eeyore in his arms . " Oh , Eeyore , Eeyore . . . I don 't know who is doing this . . . but I believe you . . . " He could not bear to leave Eeyore , so he picked him up to take him to the clearing as well . . . As he reached the clearing , worn out from carrying his friend , he could see a figure in the clearing . Carefully , he came up behind the figure , only to find that it was Kanga , looking on in shock at the pile before her . Her young son 's body , in particular , left her speechless and horrified . " Oh , Pooh Bear . . . " Kanga cried , grabbing hold of Pooh and crying into his shoulder . He patted her awkwardly on the back , not knowing what else to do . This was the worst day he had ever had in his life , and he could think of nothing that could ever make this hurt go away . . . But then . . . he remembered what Owl told him . It seemed so long ago that he had followed Owl 's advice and released that special hunny all over his bedsheets . But it had worked , all bad feelings went away afterwards ! He sniffed and looked at Kanga , who looked like she was feeling even worse than him , and kissed her on the mouth . She struggled a bit , out of sheer surprise , but quickly accepted it . As Kanga hugged him closer , Pooh put a hand down to rub her special tree , only to find . . . there was no tree ! " Why , Kanga . . . " He gasped between kisses , " There is no - " She cut him off with a deeper kiss , placing her hand over his and rubbing her vagina with it , showing him silently what to do . As he did so , he placed her own hands onto his bearhood , rubbing it expertly . He shuddered with her touch . Owl was right , it was so much better with another person ! As they kissed and fondled one another , Kanga laid down on the ground , bringing Pooh with her as he lay on top of her , moving a hand instinctively to knead her breasts . She moaned and stroked him harder , until he almost shouted in astonishment at how good it felt . He felt like his hunny would spurt any second . But just before he came , Kanga knew to let go , putting her hands on his back and kissing him once again . She gave it a full minute before she put her hand on his member once more , putting it inside her . " Push it in , Pooh . " She managed to gasp . Pooh had no reason to disobey , pushing himself deeper . Once he reached the end , he pulled back and pushed in once more . This felt the best of all , he was quite sure . But as good as it felt , he could only manage to pump three more times before he could not control it and " hunny " blasted inside Kanga , making her squirm and moan . Kanga nodded . " Thank you , Pooh . . . " She sniffed , tears still shining in her eyes . " Next time , maybe , we can go a little longer . . . " Pooh smiled weakly . There was nothing he would like more than to go longer . But as he thought that he looked over to the corpses and felt new tears emerging . He walked over to them and knelt beside them all sadly . " I felt better for a little bit . . . but now I feel bad again . . . Was Owl wrong ? . . . " He got no reply at first , but heard a small cry , then a groan behind him . " Pooh . . . " He heard before turning around to see the one thing that COULD make him feel worse . . . Kanga was on her knees , a pickaxe sticking into her spine , Gopher standing behind her smiling . As he yanked out the pickaxe , Kanga tried pitifully to crawl to Pooh , her powerful legs no longer working . Tears streamed from her eyes as she tried to reach her new lover , but inches before she was able to touch him her hand fell limp . " Gopher . . . " Pooh gasped , throat constricting from grief . " Why did you do that ? . . . " He stared at the gaping hole in Kanga 's back , horrified . " Well , sssssonny , I looked around the hundred acre wood and ssssaw everyone hooking up with ssssomeone . . . " Gopher said , voice cracking nearly as much as Pooh 's . " Ssssso I brought Piglet down to the tunnels and . . . hooked up with him . . . But he didn 't want to , and I knew he 'd tell all of you after I finished , sssso when he tried to run away afterwards I killed him ! " " But I knew you guys would figure that out eventually , ssso I found Eeyore 's tail , which he left lying around near my tunnels , thankfully , and tried to frame it on him ! But you ssstarted asking questions . . . you were getting closer to asking Rabbit , which would lead you closer to me , and that couldn 't happen , ssso I killed Rabbit . . . " His grip tightened on the end of his pickaxe . " It kept going , I kept having to tie loose ends until it turned out like this . . . And now , sssssonny , you 're the only one left . I can 't let you go telling Christopher Robin , now can I ? " " Only if he finds out our little sssssecret . " Gopher said , " And I 'm not gonna tell . " He added with a wink . " Don 't worry , I know you won 't fight back . You don 't know how to , you soft little bear . " Gopher said , smiling as he advanced on Pooh with the pickaxe . But to his surprise , as he got close , Pooh balled up a fist and hit Gopher in the jaw with it with enough force to knock it right out of place . " You little sssson of a bitch ! " He screamed , eyes wide with rage . " I 'll fucking kill you ! " He swung his pickaxe at Pooh , who was far enough away to suffer only a small rip on his stomach . He ran at Gopher , who was now wide open , and tackled him , punching him in the face enough to turn it into a pulp . As Pooh screamed in a rage , Gopher mustered enough strength to grab a rock off the ground and smash it into Pooh 's temple , knocking him off balance . As he stumbled , Gopher grabbed the pickaxe and slammed it through Pooh 's foot . " Not fast anymore , eh sssssonny ? . . . " Gopher stumbled back , weaving in dizziness as he looked for the rock he dropped . As he grabbed the rock , Pooh managed to pull out the pickaxe and drop it on the ground as he limped toward Gopher , stuffing falling from his foot wound heavily . They collided once more as Pooh tackled Gopher at the same time Gopher slammed the rock into Pooh 's eye , shattering it completely . Pooh screamed and punched Gopher in the stomach repeatedly before getting up , picking Gopher up and throwing him aside . The smaller animal rolled weakly on the ground , but landed close to his pickaxe . He grinned , picking it up and wielding it . " Come closer if you think you can , sssseeing as you 're just a gimp now . . . " Gopher chortled through bloodied lips . He was completely taken off guard by Pooh lunging at him , but still managed to plant the pickaxe into Pooh 's stomach completely , nearly running him completely through . Pooh grimaced as he felt himself losing consciousness , but saw Gopher still holding the rock in one hand . He grabbed the rock from the weak animal and slammed in into his head with every ounce of his strength . The blow was so powerful it cracked Gopher 's skull , crumpling him as he twitched on the ground . In a weak rage Pooh brought it down three more times between Gopher 's eyes , leaving him unrecognizable as it collapsed his skull completely . Disgusted , Pooh pushed his corpse into the tunnel he had came out of . Pooh tried to stand , but found he no longer could . He turned his head to Kanga , tears clouding his vision as he laughed softly one last time . " Hoo hoo . . . Perhaps , Kanga . . . Perhaps we shall see each other another time ? . . . Perhaps we shall all get to play together somewhere now . . . " He closed his eyes and his labored breathing slowly stopped . " What a day ! " Christopher Robin sighed , putting his backpack on his bed . " I can 't believe the field trip lasted so long , it 's already getting dark outside ! " As he was about to take his shoes off , there was a knock at his door . " Chris ? " Mrs . Robin peeked through the door , smiling . " Did you have fun today ? " " Yes , it was very fun ! " he nodded , smiling back . " But we were gone so long , I 'm starting to get tired ! I think I 'll play with Pooh Bear for just a little bit before going to bed ! " " What ? " Christopher Robin gasped , running past his mom toward the clearing . As he neared it a few minutes later , he could see the bodies already . He looked over the still and ruined bodies of his best friends , tears welling in his eyes as he fell to his knees . Owl looked on as the young boy arrived at the grisly scene , shaking his head in a sigh . " Could it be that love . . . The most wonderful thing in the world . . . can cause this much pain ? . . . "

Eighteen month old Izzy came to visit this week . She 's a rambunctious English Bull with a lot of puppy still in her . Jessica has been taking care of her for us while hubby recuperates from his stroke . She certainly made Rick 's day . She 's calmed down a lot and we 're hoping to bring her back home this summer . We 'll need to fence in a portion of the yard though for her to run in . Not the brightest when it comes to watching out for cars and we live on a corner lot . And look at those paws . She can easily knock you down , but is as gentle as they come . I just got back from the doctor 's office a few minutes ago . According the the surgeon , everything looks great . Had the staples removed and am now sporting several butterfly bandages . Removing them wasn 't nearly as painful as I thought it would be . As the incision heals though , the skin and tissue around it pulls . My movements are still very restricted - can 't lift anything heavier than a half gallon of milk and I can 't bend over ( it pulls the incision terribly ) . I did , however , find a handy tool my mother - in - law , who used to live with us , left in the closet . I didn 't realize how clumsy I was until the moment I couldn 't bend over to pick things up . The old " claw " has been a life saver ! LOL Granted , the creative juices didn 't flow back in all at once . No , it was more like a trickle , drop by drop until I found my voice and got back into the character 's head again . But wait , I 'm getting ahead of myself . My writing was always in the back of my mind . Its absence was as painful as the anticipation welling inside a child 's head while he sits in his doctor 's office waiting to get a shot . I knew my return wouldn 't be easy and I was right . It took a lot more than desire to force myself into the old chair in front of my computer to concentrate on the plot . Just like a runner warms up before getting on the track , I had to prep my mind which had turned to mush over the past several months I spent dealing with matters that had nothing to do with writing . Life and family comes first and don 't we all know it . At any rate , the best way to " prep " is by reading . Sometimes , I 'll read random chapters from my favorite novels and let the author 's words soak in . I also love reading about unsolved crimes and turn the clues around in my head and wonder why . It makes for a great , " what if . " And then there are the how - to books and journals . I have more than I can count and a few of my favorite are stacked up on my desk now as I write to remind me that if I did it before , I will do it again . Sadly , that first chapter I 'd written months before - the one that seemed so perfect didn 't feel terribly right any more . It 's not a bad chapter . In fact , I actually like it . It 's just not the perfect beginning . I 'm not sure yet what I 'll do with it . It 'll probably get bumped down possibly to third or fourth . The important thing though is that after a few days , I wrote a new beginning . It 's short and may not the best - - it is after all a first draft . Ironically , but not news to any writer , I spent more time on the opening paragraph - that all important portal to the rest of the book , than I did on the remaining 800 words . Time will tell if they are the perfect opening words . Still , I tend to beat myself up when I can 't get it " right " and when that happens , I love reading quotes about writing from other author . That 's when I know I 'm not alone . Consider these little gems a pep talk . " Never polish the first chapter until the last chapter is written . " - Tony Hillerman " If you don 't have time to read , you don 't have the time ( or the tools ) to write . Simple as that . " - Stephen King " There is nothing to writing . All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed . " - Earnest Hemmingway . " And by the way , everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it , and the imagination to improvise . The worst enemy to creativity is self - doubt . " - Sylvia Plath " The thing about a story is that you dream it as you tell it , hoping that others might then dream along with you , and in this way memory and imagination and language combine to make spirits in the head . There is the illusion of aliveness . " - Tim O ' Brien " To write it , it took three months ; to conceive it three minutes ; to collect the data in it all my life . " - F . Scott Fitzgerald " Writer 's block … a lot of howling nonsense would be avoided if , in every sentence containing the word WRITER , that word was taken out and the word PLUMBER substituted ; and the result examined for the sense it makes . Do plumbers get plumber 's block ? What would you think of a plumber who used that as an excuse not to do any work that day ? The fact is that writing is hard work , and sometimes you don 't want to do it , and you can 't think of what to write next , and you 're fed up with the whole damn business . Do you think plumbers don 't feel like that about their work from time to time ? Of course there will be days when the stuff is not flowing freely . What you do then is MAKE IT UP . I like the reply of the composer Shostakovich to a student who complained that he couldn 't find a theme for his second movement . " Never mind the theme ! Just write the movement ! " he said . Writer 's block is a condition that affects amateurs and people who aren 't serious about writing . So is the opposite , namely inspiration , which amateurs are also very fond of . Putting it another way : a professional writer is someone who writes just as well when they 're not inspired as when they are . " ― Philip Pullman " Writing is finally about one thing : going into a room alone and doing it . Putting words on paper that have never been there in quite that way before . And although you are physically by yourself , the haunting Demon never leaves you , that Demon being the knowledge of your own terrible limitations , your hopeless inadequacy , the impossibility of ever getting it right . No matter how diamond - bright your ideas are dancing in your brain , on paper they are earthbound . " ― William Goldman We were under a winter storm watch yesterday afternoon . It started to sleet around 4 PM just about the time our son Tracy and I returned from the market . Woke up this morning to what looks like about 2 - 3 inches of snow . It 's freezing , but the temperature is supposed to get up into the 40s tomorrow . That 's how it is here in Indiana . If you don 't like the weather , just stick around a minute or two . A few days ago , I mentioned neighbors and friends and how great they 've been to my family , especially over the pasts several months . As I was working on the post , I heard a snow blower outside my window . Our next door neighbor , Neil , had our front sidewalk and the walk leading up to our front door cleared off . So sweet of him . He 's not in the best of health either , but that 's the type of person he is . Jessica has been caring for our 50 - pound puppy ( will be 2 in July ) , Izzy , since last summer . She 's my husband 's dog and was / is more than we could handle after he went into the hospital . Izzy is well . . . massive and doesn 't understand she 's not a lap dog - - granted she gets away with it . Anyway , Jess took her to the vet this morning for her annual check up and shots . Doing well - - still holding her girlish figure . I started to work on my novel again this week . It 's the first time since May that I 've had the clarity of mind to do so and I 'm feeling quite good about it . So wonderful to finally feel as if the worse is behind us . Our daughter Jessica gave me this angel of courage the day before my mastectomy . Today it 's doing a victory dance ! ! I have to admit I still can 't quite wrap my head around this . All I know is that I 've received a new lease on life I didn 't even know I needed . Where would we be without them ? I 've lived in Muncie since I was 13 and have worked at the local university for 31 years . In that time , you might say I 've met a few people . Some have been passing acquaintances while others have become dear friends . From the first day I took Rick to the hospital on June 3 , to the day I announced I had cancer in November , my work colleagues have been absolutely amazing . Everyday someone would bring in a piece of pie or soup , some brought in casseroles for me to take home so I wouldn 't have to cook . Some days I 'd go into my office to find a card on my desk . One friend bought me Danielle and Oliver Follmi 's , " Latin American Wisdom for Every Day Revelations " . . . just because . . . ( she knows of my Spanish heritage and knew I 'd love it ) while another gave me a 2012 daily planner that includes a daily biblical verse . It 's already jam packed with appointments through March . : ) Nearly every day , one of my work pals has stopped by to ask about Rick and / or Jessica and Tracy . Often our talks end with a hug . I returned to work in December after my first surgery to find a beautiful Poinsettia and card from my co - workers . Imagine the ripples my latest news caused . Sometimes friends are waiting for us in the least expected places . One of my regular stops on campus is the post office located in our student center . I usually go there at least every other week and over time , I 've gotten to know the ladies who work there on a casual basis . Our conversations usually revolve around the weather , etc . A few weeks ago , I needed to drop off some mail which included several payments to doctors , etc . I told the attendant about Rick 's stroke , she shared a similar experience with a loved one . We chatted a bit more while I waited for my change , and then went back to my office . Two or three days later , I opened my mail at home to find a note from her assuring me 2012 would be better and a gift certificate for a free coffee . I hardly know her , but the fact that she took to the time to show her concern is more heart - warming than I can possible say . When I began to write fiction in 2002 - 03 I joined numerous online writers groups . Over the years , several of these writers and I became friends . Most I 've never met , some I 've talked to on the phone , but for the most part , our friendships have developed and grown through the wonder of e - mails . We 've shared in each others joys and triumphs as well the losses over the years . We 've exchanged photos of our children , pets , and gardens . We 've helped each other edit our books and shared a few jokes . The point is , every morning I wake up to countless encouraging e - mails from people I 've never met , know like the palm of my hand , and who simple want me to know I 'm in their prayers . One of my writer friends , has sent me a card on a weekly basis . Wow ! No list of friends would be complete without a mention of our fantastic neighbors . Not a day goes by when one of them doesn 't call or e - mail or offers to run an errand , or take one of us to the doctor , etc . Love you guys ! ! So I have to laugh whenever I pre - register at the hospital for a procedure and they asked , " Do you live in a safe environment ? Do you have a support system ? " God love them , if they only knew . In typical Indiana style , the weather has been crazy . A bitter four degrees on Sunday , a high of 54 by the end of the week . This morning I woke up to the sound of pouring rain . I think I 'll do some writing today . It 's time . The days leading up to the surgery on Friday morning were far worse than the surgery itself . Within two hours , I was in recovery and when I came to , I was amazed at how well I felt - - no pain , no nausea or dizziness . Yay ! I spent the night in the outpatient surgery center - - lucky me I was the only patient in the ward and slept like a baby . It 's amazing what rest can do to lower your blood pressure . It dropped from 154 / 70 to 113 / 35 which is normal for me . I have to say the only discomfort I have are the two drainage tubes / bulbs that thankfully keep fluids from pooling in my body . It was still bitter cold here in Indiana yesterday . At least the sun was out and for a few hours in the afternoon , I sat near a sunny window reading , " Writing Lessons You Can Learn From The Master . . . Write Like Hemingway . " It actually reads more like a biography , but it 's interesting . I have so many books stacked up and waiting to be read . Thought I 'd start with this one in the hopes it would inspire me to write again . I got off work early yesterday . My sister drove two hours and arrived just ahead of the snow . The bitter cold evening called for a big pot of pumpkin soup and deli sandwiches . Thankfully , Tracy 's college night class was cut short and I was thrill to have both our children , he and Jessica home for dinner . Even Rick was able to enjoy a small cup of soup . . . something that hasn 't happened in a long time . It was a wonderful evening of sharing stories and lots of laughter - - just what we all needed . I finally went to bed around 11 : 30 last night . Not sure if I slept . I remember tossing . I don 't remember my dreams and now , it 's 5 : 50 AM . I 'm the only one up . As I sit in the dark writing this post , I feel amazingly calm and I 'm reminded of a quote a dear friend of mine shared with me yesterday ( author unknown ) . If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages , then maybe we can all learn from them . When you think about it , what other choice is there but to hope ? We have two options , medically and emotionally : give up , or fight like hell . I certainly intend to do the latter ! This time it was hubby 's turn . They performed an esophageal dilation in the hopes it would help him swallow . After the stroke , his esophagus closed up and has been receiving his nutrients via a feeding tube in his stomach . Rick , daughter Jessica , and I were at the facility four hours for a 15 minute procedure . Basically , they inserted a scope down his esophagus to his stomach , checked to see that everything looked okay and then began to dilate the esophagus tissue . Time will tell if the positive effects will be permanent , but for now it seems to have worked and he 's thrilled . He was supposed to have had this done on December 28 . We spent all of December waiting for the GI 's office to call with the orders to get him off his blood thinner ( a must to be off the medication for 7 days prior to having the procedure done . ) . Three doctors were involved , his GI , his cardiologist , and our family doctor . We must have made more the a dozen calls to get some answers . The response was always the same , " Someone will call you back . " But they never did . Finally , on December 27 , it took a surprise visit to the GI 's office and two nurses who spent 2 - 1 / 2 hours to figure out which office had dropped the ball . This was frustrating to say the least , especially because hubby had high hopes of being able to eat something on New Year 's Eve . The important thing now is that it 's done and he 's physically feeling better , and the boost to his spirits goes without saying . As the old saying goes , " Out with the old and in with the new . " Unfortunately , sometimes the old follows you into the New Year , stirs things around . When that happens , there 's nothing left to do but to continue to deal with it . I never thought the words would ever come from my lips . I mean , cancer is something that happens to someone else , right ? It 's not suppose to hits close to home , but in November 2011 , I was diagnosed with breast cancer . I had a lumpectomy on December 2 , and am scheduled to have a mastectomy this Friday , January 13 . Contrary to superstition , I 'm told 13 is a lucky number - - let 's hope . Fortunately the cancer was caught in a very early stage during a routine mammogram . This development comes on the heels of my husband 's stroke in June from which he is still recovering . Needless to say , I had no problem bidding 2011 goodbye . On the flip side of things , when life turns things topsy - turvy , it lets you see things from a new perspective and that 's not entirely bad . I wasn 't going to blog about this or make it public . In fact , as active as I have been online since 2004 , this is the first article I 've written since my husband 's stroke . However , several close friends have encouraged me to journal my thoughts . After letting it all sink in for several weeks , I 've decided that it may be good for the soul after all . More importantly , if my experience helps another . . . well that 's what it 's all about , isn 't it ? Last Sunday I had a PET / CT scan . I was instructed to go on a low - carb diet / no dairy / no sugar for at least four days prior to the scan . I decided to play it safe and did it for seven . Bad timing considering all the cookies and candy we had left over from Christmas . Ugh ! My only thoughts while I was slipping in and out of the scanner ( quite comfy I might add ) were of food . Whatever I decided to eat was going to be loaded with carbs . Normally a pillar of strength , as the surgery date draws near , nervous , anxious tears seem to be just beneath the surface . I hate that . Yet , in spite of the challenges ahead , and there will be many , I can 't help but feel grateful that I listened to that little voice that told me get checked in November instead of the usual time in March - - thankful that this " pest " was caught early , and the Posted by " Will lead you by the hairs on the back of your neck through a chilling case , fraught with twists and long - buried secrets , and finishes you off with a sucker - punch to the gut . " - - S . W . Vaughn , Author of Broken Angel , NY

We want to deal with examples from the Bible in which a person makes a statement regarding the faith of another person . Our first example comes from Acts 14 : 8 - 10 . " And there sat a certain man at Lystra , impotent in his feet , being a cripple from his mother 's womb , who never had walked : the same heard Paul speak : who steadfastly beholding him , and perceiving that he had faith to be healed , said with a loud voice , Stand upright on thy feet . And he leaped and walked . " In the following verses , we read what impact this miracle had . The above three verses are a twofold example of how faith comes to a person . Our principle is in Romans 10 : 17 : " So then faith cometh by hearing , and hearing by the word of God . " First the man in Lystra hears what Paul says ; he hears the word of God . This is the starting point of his faith . He starts believing in God , and in his ability and willingness to heal him . His faith grows out of what he hears from Paul : Paul 's words contain the word of God . Then he hears Paul talking directly to him : Paul commands him to stand on his feet . He obeys this challenge and realises that he is healed . This second event causes a further , much larger increase in his faith , because now he sees God 's power in application , in his own life , and nobody can take that away from him . His faith is great . Also here , in the second part of his experience , faith comes through the word . He hears Paul 's words : in this case , a very personal word . It was the word of a man of God . And , after he had heard it and done his part of the deal , after he had stood up , he experienced the physical change in his feet . He realised that he could use his feet - for the first time in his life . His own faith was decisive . His reaction to Paul 's invitation healed him , because the healing undoubtedly took place only after his reaction ; after he stood up . At this instant - after he had stood up , and before his feet really started carrying the weight of his body - he was healed . This man did not wait for a feeling in his feet to give him the impression that he was healed . He did not carefully try doing something with his feet . No , he fully relied on the word , his faith came from hearing . And this is the way we have to act as well , when we are aiming for a faith goal . We have to rely on the word and our faith must be expressed through actions . Whenever there is something we can do : an action , a step , a move , an arrangement , a measure which supports and expresses this faith , we should do it . But we want to return to the fact that this man caught Paul 's attention . Paul saw that this man had faith . Paul looked at him : he could see his face , his posture . The longer this man listened , the more he realised that he did not have to be crippled for the rest of his life , that the big moment of his life had come . His whole body expressed this awareness . One only had to look at him to know what impact the word of God had on him . One could see his faith ; read this man ; measure his faith . His faith was there ; it was positive . Paul measured the faith of this man and could therefore be a great blessing to him . If we can do the same - measure other people 's faith - we can be a blessing to them . We have experienced that while speaking to a person and observing him , we could see whether he believes us or not . In Luke 5 : 17 - 26 we find the well known story of the lame man who was let down to Jesus through a hole in the roof . Verse 20 says : " And Jesus seeing their faith " ( Matthew 9 : 2 ; Mark 2 : 5 ; Luke 5 : 20 ) . Jesus saw that these four men believed . It was obvious ; everybody in the room could see it . These four brought the paralytic man , lying on a mat , to the roof , made an opening in the roof and lowered the mat . Their acts were plain , they believed in their plan . If they just wanted to try seeing whether Jesus could heal this man , they would not have gone so far . Their faith was decisive and Jesus measured it - he could see it . These two cases , where the Bible says that Jesus saw their faith , and the case where Paul saw that the lame man had faith , are , however , exceptions . In all the other cases in the four gospels , faith is not seen , but heard . There Jesus measures the faith of people by listening to their words . Jesus listened to people - he analysed people 's words . The familiarity he had concerning his own principles of faith enabled him to get a clear idea of a person 's level of faith , by using the words spoken . Jesus listened to the prayers of the people he met . Surprisingly , Jesus comments on the faith of people more than twenty times , not counting all the cases that were probably not recorded in the four gospels . Such an accumulation is striking . God wants to draw our attention to this . It is like saying : here is something special , something important . This happens again and again in the ministry of Jesus . We have to notice it and we have to imitate him . We have collected these incidents in Table 1 , " Jesus Measures Faith . " This table should be studied carefully . It would be helpful to read the stories in the Bible . The statements of these people are found in the third column . Based on these statements , Jesus could assess the faith standing of the person . When Jesus heard these statements he knew that they were genuine and came from the heart , that the people believed what was said . These statements reflected what went on in the heart - what the heart believes or what it does not believe . From the content of these reports , we see that all these statements corresponded with what the people had in their heart . They meant what they said . Jesus pays careful attention to what is said . Jesus ' intelligent listening enables him to see the spiritual condition - the faith condition - clearly . In some cases Jesus may have been operating with the gifts of the spirit , but actually this was not necessary , because the words he heard were enough . If a person asks for our advice , we often don 't have to wonder very long what the solution to the problem is , or what the actual problem is . This is because most of the time people betray their actual problem by the words they utter . When we are able to read the actual level of faith in the person 's words it will be easier for us to help and advise them . In the last two columns , we find the reaction of Jesus and the Scripture reference . So Jesus is measuring the faith of a person , and is also letting her or him know what the result is . In most cases Jesus ' statement follows immediately upon the person 's words . What Jesus hears therefore has something to do with the outcome of the measurement . It is quite interesting that Jesus told the people what kind of faith they had , even when it was negative . Undoubtedly , it must have been an unpleasant experience to be told , in front of people , that you are of little faith . If these people had had the right attitude , however , they would have appreciated correction and learnt more from Jesus about faith and how to apply it in their lives . A believer 's living should be characterised by making the best of every situation , and changing defeat into victory . Here Peter is a good example . In Matthew 14 : 31 Jesus said to him " You of little faith , why did you doubt ? " but in Mark 5 : 37 and Luke 8 : 51 we find that Peter was one of the three that Jesus took with him when he raised Jairus ' daughter from the dead . Jesus wanted to have people around him who had faith . Peter grew in faith . In the book of Acts , it is reported that he healed the crippled beggar ( Acts 3 : 7 ) , that people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter 's shadow might fall on them as he passed by ( Acts 5 : 15 ) . Peter healed the paralytic in Lydda who had been bedridden for eight years ( Acts 9 : 34 ) . He raised a woman from the dead ( Acts 9 : 40 ) . Peter became very strong in faith . We can do the same . If our faith is little today , this should incite us to be an overcomer , to serve an apprenticeship with Jesus , and to grow in the things of faith . All the examples from Table 1 : " Jesus Measures Faith , " are reports of encounters with Jesus . Jesus meets people and it results in reactions , talks , fulfilled wishes , miracles , healings and the dead being called back to life . In most of the cases , the faith of these people has grown . Jesus always tries to use people 's faith . In case of little or no faith , Jesus is still prepared to help . He just uses his own faith . In his grace , God has today opened many ways to help people . If the faith of a praying person is too little or the person does not know how to apply faith , the solution can be reached in another way . The goal can be attained through somebody else 's faith : another person with strong faith prays for this person , or the gifts of the spirit are operating in a believer , or God acts in his sovereignty . This we find confirmed in our examples . If there is not enough faith in a person , it is no reason for Jesus not to help . The fact that somebody comes to him and calls upon the name of the Lord is sufficient . It is enough to receive help , but it is not enough to please him , because it says in Hebrews 11 : 6 : " But without faith it is impossible to please him . " In his reactions , Jesus makes it quite clear that he is not satisfied with the faith of certain people . All recorded conversations in the Bible between God and man are important to us , because they are communications with God . To converse with God is praying . The examples of communications with God are in the Bible to teach us how to pray . This also applies to the examples mentioned in Table 1 : " Jesus Measures Faith . " They are communications with God , with Jesus , with God who became man . They are prayers because a conversation with God is what we call a prayer . When we ask God for something we call it a prayer . When we read about Jesus talking with people he meets on his walk then we are face to face with prayers . And all these conversations and prayers are examples for us how we should pray . Sometimes , however , the examples of communication between God and man show us how not to pray , because Jesus ' reaction shows that it was a bad prayer . Some of these examples are found in two , three or all four Gospels . It must be important for God to have repeated these episodes ; he wants to tell us something . Now let us review Table 1 and have a closer look at the different cases . The first person is the centurion . He has great faith . This we see from the commendation he receives from Jesus . His strength is that he not only believes in the ability of Jesus , but also in his word . Jesus ' word is still with us today . We can still believe in it today , and receive , as the centurion received . The centurion is a soldier and knows all about authority . It is his business to issue commands . He achieves almost everything simply by speaking . This was why he wants to hear Jesus ' word . It is enough for him . Immediately after Jesus hears the words of the centurion , he announces the result of his measurement : Great faith . The communication between Jesus and the Canaanite woman is interesting . To the first question Jesus does not respond , he gives no answer . One reason is that this woman probably voices the problem and not the solution . Another reason could be that he wants to provoke her to still add the solution , because she does not actually say what she wants ; she just brings a bad report : that her daughter suffers terribly from demon possession . The disciples then intercede on her behalf and Jesus says : " I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel . " These words of Jesus are probably also meant to be provoking . He wants a more positive approach from the woman . But he is unsuccessful . The woman comes and kneels before him . " Lord , help me ! " she says . She only asks for help , she still does not confess her faith goal . He replies , " It is not right to take the children 's bread and toss it to their dogs . " This sentence is really provoking , and more . To our ears today , it sounds like an insult . In his first reply , Jesus already indicates that she is a Gentile and not really acceptable . However , this second reply is a real challenge . And Jesus is successful . She says : " Truth , Lord : yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters ' table . " This woman confirms her faith in God , a God that is big enough to act not only for the Israelites . And in this , she is correct , because the centurion also received , and he is not a Jew . This woman likens the falling of the crumbs from the masters ' table to the falling of a blessing on her family , and the dogs eating the crumbs to the healing of her daughter . She calls things that are not as though they were . She is bold and confident and Jesus says to her : " O woman , great is thy faith : be it unto thee even as thou wilt . " And her daughter is healed from that very hour . The Canaanite woman speaks of crumbs , and this reminds us of mustard seeds . Both are roughly the same size ; they are small . In Matthew 17 : 20 and Luke 17 : 6 , Jesus says that our faith has to be only as small as a mustard seed in order to achieve great things . Perhaps her faith is called great because she relies on God 's omnipotence . She thinks that delivering her daughter from demon possession is no problem for Jesus . The feeding of the dogs is a by - product of the feeding of the children , in the same way as the healing of a gentile is a by - product of the word of the Messiah . She reckons it is a small thing for Jesus to do . This , Jesus calls great faith . For both of these people - the Canaanite woman and the centurion - the decisive thing is that Jesus speaks his word . His word is enough . Jesus calls it great faith when we rely on his word - when we believe without using a point of contact . The word of God as a point of contact is enough . But , if we do use a point of contact , it is quite in order . Examples of points of contact are when we ask another believer to lay hands on us , when we request other believers to anoint us with oil , when we touch another person or a certain object , when we serve another person , when we pray at a certain place , when we follow the instructions of another believer , when we let the shadow of another person fall on us . All these are possibilities of the use of a point of contact which helps us to release our faith . A point of contact is a symbol - a symbol that we can hold - hold physically or mentally , or both . In the following we will have a look at such examples . When Jesus measures the faith of a person he observes if such a point of contact is used . The woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years , was healed by her own faith - her faith in the ability of Jesus . Her recipe for success was that she spoke out her goal ; she confessed her goal of faith . She said : " If I only touch his cloak , I will be healed . " And she added action to her faith ; she went and found Jesus , pressing forward and touching his cloak , and she was healed . She received what she said - what she confessed . Jesus listened to her , and her report told him the level of her faith . He knew that her faith caused the healing . The touching of the cloak was her point of contact . The sinful woman came to Jesus and brought an alabaster jar of perfume , showing love to Jesus . She washed his feet with her tears , wiped them with her hair , kissed them and poured perfume on them . Her aim was the forgiving of her sins . She did two things : she came to Jesus , and she showed practical love in her giving and serving . Jesus said to this woman that her faith had saved her . He measured her faith not by her words , but by what she did . Her actions were the point of contact . To become a believer , is the most important event in a person 's life . It is the result of personal faith . The Bible says again and again that we are made righteous by faith , not having a righteousness of our own but one which exists through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God , through faith . We do not make our peace with God by referring to our good works , or through hope . This is expressed in Ephesians 2 : 8 - 9 : " For by grace are ye saved through faith ; and that not of yourselves : it is the gift of God : Not of works , lest any man should boast . " When we had a look at aiming at a faith goal we observed Jesus ' way of acting after Jairus had asked him to help his daughter . Jairus had the same faith goal , and the cause of his actions is worth noting . His prayer , with which he came to Jesus , is a very good example . He briefly explained the problem , and then formulated the solution clearly ( Mark 5 : 23 ) : " My little daughter lieth at the point of death : I pray thee , come and lay thy hands on her , that she may be healed ; and she shall live . " His point of contact was the laying on of hands ; his solution was the life and health of his daughter . He did not deviate from this , even at the news of the death of his daughter . At this critical moment of his trial , he practised the vocabulary of silence . So doing , he was obedient to what Jesus said in Mark 5 : 36 : " Be not afraid , only believe . " Also Jairus - like Jesus - did not deviate from the faith goal . The ability to say nothing in a tense situation , to keep one 's peace , is probably one of the best qualities in a faith person . It is always the best to confess God 's word , but in a situation like this one , especially when the right words fail to come , it is best to say nothing , because a negative statement would betray and cancel the faith goal . The way Jairus spoke - prayed - to Jesus , showed that he possessed faith . When the news of his daughter 's death arrived , Jesus encouraged him to keep his faith , thereby confirming it . The point of contact of the ten lepers was that they started to go . After they had heard Jesus ' command they obeyed : they started to go . The decisive criterion in this case was that they started to go before they got healed . Before they got healed they started to go to show themselves to the priests ; to show the priests that they were healed . A person definitely must have faith who goes to somebody to show him something he has not got yet - he only expects to receive while he is going . Jesus instructed the ten lepers : " Go shew yourselves unto the priests . " The action of going was their point of contact . They followed Jesus ' command and were healed . This is recorded in Luke 17 : 14 : " And it came to pass , that , as they went , they were cleansed . " Notice the sequence : first " as they went " and after that " they were cleansed . " They put action to their faith . They did not go to the priest because they were healed , but because they obeyed Jesus . This obedience was the expression of their faith . Their starting to go without being healed was the act that showed Jesus their faith . Their healing only came after they started going . If they had not listened to Jesus and had remained there and had waited for their healing , they probably would not have been healed . The important detail in this report about the ten lepers is that the going came first , and only after " they went " came the cleansing . Contrary to this was the way of acting of the man at the pool of Bethesda . He was first cured and after that he picked up his mat and walked . Nine lepers might have had their doubts about their healing ; they might have - while they were on the way to the priests - checked whether they were still healed all the time . But one leper was convinced that he had received his healing and he was full of thanksgiving . He came back , praising God in a loud voice . He threw himself at Jesus ' feet and thanked him - and he was a Samaritan . His conduct demonstrated his faith to Jesus , and Jesus told him that it was his own faith that had made him well . Bartimaeus ' point of contact was simply that he cried out to Jesus for help ; that he called on the name of the Lord . His conduct was that of a believer . When he heard the crowd going by he asked what was happening . They told him , " Jesus of Nazareth is passing by . " The meaning of this was clear to him . He might even have been waiting for this opportunity . His faith goal was established . He called out , " Jesus , Son of David , have mercy on me ! " He called on the Messiah , he confessed Jesus as God . But there were many religious people in the crowd who walked with Jesus . They did not want noise in their church service . For them it was more important to have order and a refined style , than to serve somebody seeking help . They rebuked Bartimaeus , and told him to be quiet . But Bartimaeus was not to be deterred from his faith goal . He was not affected by people who wanted to get involved in his relationship with God . He ignored them . He shouted all the more , " Son of David , have mercy on me ! " Jesus stopped and called him . And then Jesus did something which is often overlooked . He asked a question ( Mark 10 : 51 and Luke 18 : 41 ) : " What wilt thou that I should do unto thee ? " The purpose of this question was to get Bartimaeus to make a positive statement , so that Jesus could use his faith . It is difficult to answer such a question by stating the problem . A reply " I am blind " would have been inappropriate . Such a reply would not have fulfilled any purpose , because it was obvious that he was blind . It would have been an appeal to Jesus ' sympathy , but what is the use of pity ? If a sick person wants pity , it might be that the sickness is not that unwelcome . People who ask questions as Jesus asked , are people of faith . They want to encourage people to make positive statements . Somebody who is not aware of faith principles might have asked : " What is wrong with you ? What is your problem ? " The right answer to such a question is to state the problem and not the solution . A wrong question like this practically excludes the participation of the faith of that person with the petition . Success depends on the faith of the person who asks questions like this one . It might be one of the reasons why so many do not receive their healing . In our daily lives we should also not ask questions that encourage people to confess their problems . Sometimes such questions sound stupid . What is the purpose , for example , of asking a person with a running nose and a cough : " Have you got a cold ? " We as believers should not do such a thing . Other examples in the Bible also show that Jesus formulated his questions intelligently . From Bartimaeus , he gets the answer of a believer . The reply is the solution : " Lord , that I might receive my sight . " These words of Bartimaeus allowed Jesus to measure his faith , and he told him that he had faith : " Go thy way ; thy faith hath made thee whole . " It was his own faith that gave him his sight . The previous examples demonstrated how people with faith received what they needed . These reports are instructive and stimulate our faith . Now , however , we want to turn to more important examples , because often it is easier to learn from negative cases . Our first examples are people who worry . In his sermon on the mount Jesus talks about worrying ( Matthew 6 : 25 - 34 ) . People who worry are not trusting God . A person who believes , knows and follows God , knows that God supplies all our needs . If we know the Bible , we know that it speaks again and again of God 's ability and willingness to do everything for his children . He will not let us down . This sounds simple . We might feel sorry for people who worry . But if we are honest , we know that worry is a common problem and that we have struggled with it ourselves . The problem starts with a thought and it becomes serious when we start speaking and believe what we speak . Statements like " Will our children follow God ? " and " What will happen when I am old ? " are just examples . Many areas of our lives can be infused with worry . When we worry , we forget God and his power . We meditate on the devil 's business . We cannot prevent worry from entering our minds . But we must not entertain it . We must reject it and replace it with thoughts about God 's word . We should never speak out words of worry . When worrying thoughts occur to us , we should counter them with the word of God - spoken out with our mouth - and say for example : " My God will meet all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus . " ( Philippians 4 : 19 ) . To worry is a sin , because it implies not trusting God , and not trusting God is not having faith in God . Romans 14 : 23 says that everything that does not come from faith is sin . We want to call attention to the difference between " worrying " and " making an effort . " Not worrying does not mean we do not make an effort ; that we do not exert time and energy . With energy and joy we approach every work - as well as difficulties - and overcome them with effort . The energy for this and the joy of doing we receive from the Lord . And with his blessing we succeed . The Lord Jesus does his part and we do our part and this co - operation guarantees the success . When we learn and practice this team - work we will realise that we need God , but that God also needs us , that he needs our effort . The return of Jesus very much depends on our effort . We exert ourselves and we make an effort but we do not worry : but go ahead joyfully and in his power . Our second negative example is from Matthew 14 : 28 - 31 ; it describes Peter walking on water . Peter had probably always been a person of strong faith , but only after receiving the teaching of Jesus , did he become a successful believer . When Peter walked on the water , he was extremely successful , because where else do we find such abilities ? But Peter stumbled because of his lack of knowledge and experience of details . He was cheated by the tactical manoeuvres of the devil . When Peter walked on the water , just as Jesus did , the devil suggested that he should take a look at the wind . There is nothing wrong with looking at the wind - to look with our physical eyes at the physical world - but our spiritual eyes must remain on our faith goal . Peter was impressed by this wind . So much so , that he forgot Jesus ' invitation : " Come . " He took his spiritual eyes off the word of God " Come " - and fixed them on what he saw . He forgot that he as a believer , was walking in the spiritual realm . He forgot the rule of 2 Corinthians 5 : 7 : " We live by faith , not by sight . " He should have made a good confession . He should have said to Jesus : " I am coming . " So doing , he would have been using Jesus ' own words . He would have - with his own mouth - spoken God 's word , and the angels who carried him would have continued , because angels obey God 's word when we speak it . Psalm 103 : 20 says : " Bless the Lord , ye his angels , that excel in strength , that do his commandments , hearkening unto the voice of his word . " Peter made the mistake , of allowing this thought of the devil to remain in his mind . He carried on thinking about it . He accepted it and became afraid . Fear is the opposite of faith . It is believing in the devil 's wish to destroy , to kill and to steal . The main mistake was that he formulated his fear in words . He cried out , " Lord , save me ! " Even before he cried , the firmness of his steps had changed , and fear made his walk waver . The angels noticed this fear , gave up and Peter began to sink . If , at this moment , he confessed God 's word to himself and the angels , " I am coming " , the angels would have carried on . Peter made a mistake , but simultaneously he did something very positive . He called on the name of the Lord : " Lord , save me " and this is a call God likes to answer . Our ability to achieve something through faith always depends completely on God . Immediately after Jesus had saved Peter , he said : " You of little faith , why did you doubt ? " Jesus measured Peter 's faith against his words : " Lord , save me ! " because it revealed his doubt , his fear ; it revealed that he had given up his faith goal . He vacillated from faith to unbelief , from God 's word " Come " to fear . Jesus calls this doubting " little faith . " Peter 's words are the subject of Jesus ' measuring . We find our next example in Matthew 16 : 5 - 12 : the disciples forgot to take bread . A misunderstanding , or perhaps more aptly , a lack of under - standing led the disciples to worry about bread . They said " We didn 't bring any bread . " Jesus replied " You of little faith " , because just prior to this incidence , he not only fed the disciples , but 4000 people . He had wrought such a great miracle , and a few hours later his closest co - workers worry about the catering of a few . From this story we should learn to never forget the miracles which we have experienced and heard of . To think of miracles is always good for our faith . Jesus also asks us today : " Do you still not understand ? " Don 't you remember the miracles ? And prior to the feeding of the 4000 Jesus fed the 5000 . So two mighty miracles - directly related to the disciples worrying of not bringing bread - had taking place . We should learn from that . When we have a physical problem - when we are sick - we should go back to all the cases in our life when we got healed . We should remember all what God did in the past ; remember all healings we received already from him . It will make it much easier to have faith for the present crisis . The same with material - especially financial - support . Let us remember all the cases when God provided in the past . This remembering of miracles of the past will greatly enhance the faith we need for the present moment . Let us now make a plan to overcome all worrying in the future . Let us now decide to never worry again . Let us decide to program our thinking in a way that will automatically counteract every attempt of the devil to get us to worry again . Let us employ the help of the Holy Spirit in this and ask him to remind us always of this decision and to help us to make a habit out of this response to worry . When the thought of worry comes we will - as from this moment on - automatically turn our thinking to all the many times where God has helped and saved us in the past and we will just know that he will provide in the future and we will just utter the words , " Jesus is Lord , " and we will start praising God . Let us stick to this decision to never again accept and maintain a thought of worry . Let us make it a habit to always automatically react to every attack of worry . Now we want to turn to the story in which Jesus calms the storm . Before the journey , Jesus told the disciples , " Let 's go over to the other side of the lake " . This was just to let everybody know what was going on . But it was also the words of God , because Jesus spoke it . It was therefore going to happen , nothing could stop it . The disciples should simply have relied on these words when they got into trouble . On this trip on the lake , we again confront the problem of fear , and Jesus ' remark that fear is a lack of faith . We hear Jesus speaking to the waves . He speaks to things . He has authority over things and the forces of nature . The statement of the disciples " We drown " ( Matthew 8 : 25 , Mark 4 : 38 and Luke 8 : 24 ) is clear proof of their unbelief . It was a bad confession , they confessed the problem , or , even worse , they predicted and prophesied a problem . Actually the disciples should have spoken to the waves themselves and used their authority . Our second last example in Table 1 : " Jesus Measures Faith " , relates to the unbelieving Thomas . He did not believe the good news , the Gospel ; the word of God ; the preaching of the disciples about Jesus ' rising . He did not believe in the resurrection . He was not on this level of faith . He did not believe these evangelists . He believed only what he could verify with his five senses . Only after he saw Jesus and touched him , did he believe . This is a low level of faith , but still better than not believing one 's own senses . In John 20 : 27 - 29 Jesus says : " Stop doubting and believe . Because you have seen me , you have believed ; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed . " Our last example is the people who did not believe what they saw . They are described in Mark 6 : 1 - 6 . They took offence at Jesus and rejected him . Their attitude caused them to deny the perception of their own senses . Jesus measured this " faith " and defined it as lack of faith . Their envy led them to deny their own perceptions . The Bible calls it blindness . In the beginning of Matthew 17 , we are told that Jesus took three disciples with him and led them up a high mountain . This is the report of the transfiguration and the three disciples were Peter , James and John . These were the same three that Jesus had taken with him , when he had raised Jairus ' daughter from the dead . Jesus wanted to have people around , who were strong in faith . Jesus took the same three with him in the Garden Gethsemane . They were the last disciples with him . The father here gives us some information . A prayer meeting had already taken place . The participants were two groups , the first group was the father with his son and the second group was the disciples . The beginning of Matthew 17 shows that Peter , James and John were not part of this second group , because they were with Jesus . The second group were therefore the rest of the disciples ; let us say the nine others . If the first prayer meeting had taken the right course , the father would have told the nine disciples his faith goal - the healing of his son - and would then have agreed with the nine - in prayer - and would have believed that he received the answer and it would be his ( Mark 11 : 24 ) . And after the prayer he would only have confessed the answer - the solution . But the father did not do this . We know this - and Jesus knew this - from his words . He still spoke of the problem ; the epilepsy ; the suffering ; the falling into fire or water . He spoke of everything that was wrong ; all these problems still existed for him . He even spoke of the inability of the disciples . He did not even believe that the people he asked for prayer could really do anything for him . His whole speech was a testimony of his unbelief , and Jesus recognised this clearly and said : " O unbelieving and perverse generation , how long shall I stay with you ? How long shall I put up with you ? " Jesus ' reply followed the words of the father immediately . The words of the father were the basis by which Jesus measured his faith . And Jesus expressed the result of his measurement , as well as his displeasure , in quite clear terms . For him unbelief is sin , and not pleasing to God . This father sinned with his words . But not the facts - the natural circumstances - were the reason for Jesus to pronounce his judgement . The spiritual circumstances were important . Jesus based his judgement on the spiritual situation . The spiritual fact was that the father spoke words of unbelief . Jesus based his judgement on this spiritual fact . Jesus listened to the words of the father and analysed them . He found unbelief . We measure faith by listening to words . We do not measure faith by looking at the situation . We look at the situation and see that the boy is not yet healed . This is a fact . But this fact cannot be used to evaluate the faith of the father . Why ? Because we can never say when the manifestation will occur . God normally does not tell us when he will give us the answer . The length of this span of time is unknown . After we have prayed , we have to wait for the manifestation . We do not know when our answer will arrive . It might happen immediately . It might not . It might take time . Why is this ? The whole reason for our being on this earth , is to seek God . And when we have found him , we have to learn . We have to grow in the knowledge of God . We have to imitate Jesus . The aim is to be perfect ; to become like Jesus . Jesus needs people who now - and after his second coming - are able to rule with him . The purpose of this training period is to trust God more and more . The more we trust God , the more we will know that God answers our prayers . More and more our faith will become knowledge . And when we know that all our prayers will be answered , we will then patiently wait for the answers . We will be completely relaxed . It does not matter how long it takes . We know the answer will come . God 's word cannot fail . We know that we are bearing fruit with our mouths . We have spoken the word . It will not fall to the ground . The Lord is with us as we grow up , and he lets none of our words fall to the ground ( 1 Samuel 3 : 19 ) . This is the position of a mature Christian : a person who has reached unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and has become mature , attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ ( Ephesians 4 : 13 ) ; a person who stands firm in all the will of God , mature and fully assured ( Colossians 4 : 12 ) . But we still want to reach this stage . We are not there yet . There will therefore be cases where God gives us an answer the next day , or even only hours after we have prayed , or right after we have prayed , a miracle will take place . God knows our needs . We might have to get used to the fact that God is on the throne . And every day a couple of prayers get answered . A time might come when our stage of growth requires that we learn to become patient . Answers to prayer do not come so soon any more . We are being tested . Where is our endurance ? We have to learn to trust God , independent of how long we have to wait for our prayers to be answered . We have to learn to speak ; to stop making negative confessions . God delays answers . There might come a time when we have to learn that we cannot do anything in our own strength . We have to learn that we can only control our tongue with the help of the Holy Spirit . Only with God 's help , can we overcome sin . God himself sanctifies us ( 1 Thessalonians 5 : 23 ) , we cannot do it ourselves . I might pray to overcome sin , maybe to overcome anger , and try to overcome it with my own strength . I am not successful because I do not ask God to do the work in me . My motto must become : Let God . We are here to be trained . Getting prayers answered is an incentive . The aim is to become rulers ; to rule with authority , with delegated authority from God . We operate in the spiritual realm . We walk by faith and not by sight . We fix our eyes on what is unseen . This means we walk in the spiritual realm . Our means of operating are words . In Matthew 17 , the father spoke words . These words are our guideline . We listen to them and we evaluate the father 's faith . We do not operate in the physical realm . We do not walk by sight . We do not fix our eyes on what is seen . This means we do not walk in the physical realm . Our means of operating are not physical actions . We do not use physical facts as a means of measuring . In Matthew 17 , the boy was not healed , he was still sick . This physical situation is not our guideline . We do not look at the sick boy and evaluate the father 's faith . Again , we want to point out that the worldly situation exists . That the boy is sick , is a fact . But this fact should not cause us to walk by or to talk of it . This physical fact is subject to change . We do not speak about it . We do not walk by sight . We walk by faith . Our actions are words . We speak what we want to happen in the physical realm ; what is already reality in the spiritual realm . In Matthew 17 , Jesus did not detect the unbelief because the boy was still sick , but because the father spoke words of unbelief . The father was still speaking the problem . The father walked by sight . He walked by what he saw : a sick boy . There was no healing , and therefore the father did not believe . What he could see , determined what he believed . And believing that which we can see , what we know is not faith . It is knowledge . There was therefore no faith in the father , only knowledge . Knowledge that the boy was sick . The father would only believe when the son was healed , when he could verify it with his senses . And that is called knowledge . It has nothing to do with faith . Jesus calls it " little faith . " After the father prayed , he should have believed that he had received the healing of his son . He should have believed that he has a healthy son . And he should have spoken accordingly . If he would have behaved like this , he would have had a healthy son . If he had acted in the " present tense " - as if he had a healthy son , - he would - in future - have a healthy son . The grammatical wording of Jesus ' main faith principle is important . We want to look at this detail in Mark 11 : 24 . We take the wording from the Interlinear Greek - English New Testament . This translation accurately represents the tenses : " For this reason I say to you , all things whatsoever praying ye ask , believe that ye receive , and ( they ) shall be to you . " We strongly recommend meditation on Mark 11 : 24 . This scripture is the key to faith . It is to be understood with the intellect . Then it can be applied in life - in prayer life . At this stage , we want to recapitulate the key to understanding Matthew 17 . Jesus reproved the father because of the father 's unbelief . The fact that the father 's son was not healed , was not the reason why Jesus accused the father of unbelief . The reason was that the father 's words were betraying him . The father 's words of unbelief showed and proved to Jesus that the father did not believe . The father did not only speak to Jesus about all his problems with his son , but he also forgot to ask Jesus for the solution . Thus we see that the first group , the father , in this first prayer meeting did not believe . But also the second group , the nine disciples , were unbelieving . This is disclosed by their question in Matthew 17 : 19 , which they asked Jesus when they were alone : " Why couldn 't we drive it out ? " With their question , the nine disciples betrayed their unbelief . So we can see that both groups in this first prayer meeting did not believe . What should they have done ? If they had believed , they would have spoken and confessed that which falls in line with the solution . If we cast out a demon today , we should not be guided by the subsequent behaviour of the person concerned . If this person behaves the same way as before , we should not be impressed . We don 't need a change in this person 's behaviour ; our faith does not depend on it . We simply believe that the demon has left . The devil works with tricks like this ; he apparently does not react at all . With this he wants to find out if we are really serious , if we really believe ; believe in our authority . And well - meaning Christians are just the people he wants to see around ; in their eagerness to discuss the things of God , they might bring up all kinds of questions and want to know about the casting out of demons . But in such a situation , there is only one thing to do : confess the solution , and otherwise remain silent . The Bible gives the impression that when Jesus cast out a demon , it always obeyed immediately . And this was probably really the case . Why is it then , that when Christians do this for the first time , there is perhaps no visible reaction ? With Jesus , the devil knew out of experience that Jesus believed , that he really meant what he said . But with us , he does not know . He therefore tests our reactions to ascertain whether he really has to depart . Maybe shortly afterwards , we will utter a word of unbelief , and then the devil knows that he may stay . And this is not only the case in a dramatic deliverance performance ; he will also try to stay when we are just trying to cast him out of our thoughts . There therefore is very little difference between getting rid of the devil in small things and casting him out of a person that is demon - possessed . He is testing our faith . We have seen that the two groups of the first prayer meeting failed because they both did not believe . Our praying is therefore not finished after we have said , " Amen . " Our praying to God must agree with our general conversation and our speaking . During our so - called quiet time , we might even talk to God about all this . And that we call praying . " I have discussed all my problems with God " or " All my fears I could only entrust to God . " Hannah ( 1 Samuel 1 : 15 ) poured out her soul to the Lord . It was the right thing to do in her situation , but it must not come to confessing problems and fears and talking unbelief . From reports in the Bible we know that God - or Jesus in the New Testament - can be dissatisfied with our prayer . To briefly describe a problem is not wrong , but the solution should follow . And when we pray again about the same thing we must never speak the problem again ; and this applies to praying to God and to talking to others . If we don 't know the solution to a problem , we have to look for it in the Bible or ask God to point it out to us . But it is wrong to just speak the problem . God knows the problem . He knows what happens in the world , and he knows our hearts . We have to consider what we want to say to God . In Matthew 17 , we have two such cases : the father and the disciples . Four prayer meetings actually took place . The first prayer was the prayer of the disciples and the father . It was wrong . The second was that of the father when he approached Jesus , which was also wrong , but at least Jesus knew what was happening . The third prayer was that of Jesus when he told the demon to come out . It was correct and very successful . The fourth prayer was the disciples ' question : " Why couldn 't we drive it out ? " and this was also wrong . This report shows that out of three prayers that were prayed by " believers , " three were wrong and they caused a rebuke from Jesus . The fourth prayer , the question of the disciples , showed their unbelief . Jesus , however , used it to say something important ; to formulate a faith principle ( Matthew 17 : 20 ) : " Because you have so little faith . I tell you the truth , if you have faith as small as a mustard seed , you can say to this mountain , ' Move from here to there ' and it will move . " Here Jesus speaks of a small faith , a faith that is as small as a mustard seed : really small , and this is enough - enough to move mountains . Jesus says that the magnitude of faith is not the important thing . In the next line , we find that the important thing is the " saying . " Our speaking , especially after prayer , is decisive , specifically that we don 't speak the opposite to what we prayed - that we don 't confess the problem . While we are worshipping the Lord , the Holy Spirit moves a brother to operate in the gifts of the spirit . He casts out the evil spirit and our prayer is answered . It does not matter if we do it or if the brother does it . The power comes from God in any case . We could also say : " Why couldn 't we drive it out ? " But with such a statement , we would destroy our own faith . Most probably the gifts of the spirit operating in the brother were activated through our prayer . Our reaction should be one of giving thanks , because God heard our prayer and the sick person is delivered and healthy . When we have cast a demon out of a person , we should not later say to a friend : " This person is full of demons . I drive them out of him , but he then takes them back again . " This suffering person obviously is weak and does not fight spiritual battles . We should feel responsible for this person , and probably are . The returning of the demons has something to do with our negative statements . Our speaking shows that our faith in our authority is similar to that of the nine disciples : " Why couldn 't we drive it out ? " In Matthew 17 something similar happened . The disciples and the father prayed without apparent success . But then Jesus came and cast out the demon . The initial prayer of the nine therefore , got answered . Everything started with the father . His confessions after the prayer were wrong , but we must not forget that his principle action was right . By approaching the men of God he called on the name of the Lord . God has many ways to work in our lives and if we don 't know , understand , and apply all principles of faith , he can still take action . He knows our hearts . And our motive and attitude are more important than the technique of praying . But we as believers want to please God and we want to become better servants of his . We always strive to become more like our God and our Lord Jesus Christ . We can serve our Lord better when we act in faith and when we can measure faith . Now in order to close our discussion of the seventeenth chapter of Matthew let us again have a look at what is described in the beginning of that chapter . There are two interesting happenings . The first is that Jesus talks to dead people . He is holding a seance so it seems . He talks to Moses and Elias . He not only talks to them and they to him , they also appear . They appeared also to the disciples . The second interesting thing is that Jesus seems to believe in reincarnation . And the disciples seem to believe in it as well . They ask Jesus about the coming again of Elias . And Jesus confirms that he " truly " shall come . He even tells them that this coming of Elias has already happened . And the disciples then understood that Jesus was speaking of John the Baptist . Let us use these two incidents described in the Bible to view the word of God with proper eyes and beware of preconceived ideas and ideas that religionists want to lay on us . When we can measure the faith of a person , the door to success - to helping this person - is open . Of more importance is that we can also measure our own faith . If we learn to listen to our own words , we will often hear ourselves say things , that don 't agree with our prayers and confessions . This observation can then be used to put an end to this defect and to learn to control our tongue . In the time between our prayer and our receiving the answer , we have to sustain our faith . The answer may come in either a short or a long time . And during this time , we have to adhere to our faith and apply patience and perseverance . The word of God speaks about these virtues time and again . When the answer to our prayer comes , we have to believe that it occurred because we prayed . When , at this point of time , we start to think that it would have happened in any case , whether we prayed or not , we are on the way to unbelief and we run the risk of losing that which we have received . We therefore have to believe that the answer is the result of our prayer and has not got any other cause . But with this our faith has not come to an end . After we have started to believe , we can 't stop . We have to carry on believing that we have received because we have prayed . It is always good to remember things and to remind oneself of the things we have received from God through prayer . It makes it much easier to have faith for other cases in the future . The most important reason for us to maintain our faith is not to lose God 's gift . Even years after we have received something from God , if we start taking it for granted , we could lose it through unbelief . Reflecting on this , we no doubt ask ourselves what faith is really all about . What do we do when we believe ? What must we feel ? How do I know that I believe ? How do I know that I still believe ? How do I know whether I have stopped believing ? I have prayed and the answer has not arrived ; is it because I did not believe when I prayed ? Or is it because at some point of time I stopped believing ? Is there a clear way of knowing whether I believe ? The answer is , Yes ! The word of God shows us that believing and speaking are connected with each other . In Mark 11 : 23 Jesus makes it clear that there is an association between saying and believing . Jesus says that when I say to this mountain ' Go , throw yourself into the sea ' , and do not doubt in my heart but believe that what I say will happen , it will be done for me . When I say and when I believe that what I say will happen , it will be done . We therefore believe , and then we speak . The speaking is therefore the expression of our believing . We express our faith by speaking about it . We speak to other people and to unbelievers about it . We speak to them about our faith . We confess that we are believers . We profess our faith . It is the same when we believe in an answer to our prayer . We express our faith by the words we let out of our mouths . We say that we have what we prayed for . We confess the solution . We say and we tell others that we have the answer . It is the same when we say and tell others that we are saved . We do not say to them : " I am getting saved . " No , we say : " I am saved . " Our salvation took place on a day in the past and now - today - we are saved . It is not something that will happen in the future . But they seem to forget that their salvation is something that happened in the spiritual realm ; something nobody can see and prove , because it is a matter of faith in God 's word . The manifestation will only occur later . But they still say that they have it , that they have their salvation . So why don 't they take the same approach to receiving everything else from God ? There is a simple way to find out whether somebody speaks faith or unbelief . It is unbelief if he speaks about the future . When a Christian says : " I am getting saved " or " I am getting healed " , then we know he does not believe . It is unbelief when a Christian speaks about the future and says : " I am getting healed . " His unbelief is more distinct when he says : " I am sick . " It is easier to detect unbelief in such a bad confession , because he clearly confesses the problem and not the answer . How do I know whether I believe , or still believe , or whether I don 't believe any more ? The answer is : I observe my mouth . I listen to my own words . The believing takes place in my heart , it is my spirit , it is my real personality . My spirit believes and I express my faith through speaking . When I listen to my words ; when I am analysing what I am saying ; when I observe my confessions , then I know what I believe . When I myself always confess that I have what I prayed for , then I know that I believe . When I start confessing that I don 't have it , then I know that I don 't believe . Also , when I hear myself saying that it has not happened as yet , I know that I don 't believe . Not only do I know that I have stopped believing , but that I probably never believed - never believed right from the beginning . A prayer is therefore an important thing . We should not take a prayer lightly and forget about it after a few days or even hours . We should prepare ourselves for a prayer . We should have clearly recognised the nature of the problem . We should have thought about the direction of our prayer ; what solution we want to have and what scripture we stand on . Only after we have sorted this out in our thinking , should we speak out the prayer . This preparation work will then also help us to remember our prayer and our faith goal . When we have spoken , we have given our word ; the decision is made and we must keep our word and uphold our decision . While we are preparing ourselves for the prayer and while we pray it , we resolve to always speak in line with the solution . We programme ourselves to only confess the solution after we have prayed , and to never utter the opposite . When we pray we have to believe in our heart , but this does not mean that we shut out our mind . On the contrary , we use what God has given us . When we pray in this manner - using our intellect - we will later have a greater chance to come to positive measurements . We will also start to use the ability to measure faith , and our faith life will become successful . We will measure like Jesus did , as well as measuring our own faith , and that of others . And from this experience we will learn . When we measure the faith of a person , we must consider that between the praying and the actual occurrence of the manifestation , a space of time can be inserted . We can never say : This person has prayed and nothing has happened , therefore this person does not believe . In his judgements of faith , Jesus never referred to what he saw . He did not make the present situation a yardstick for his measurements . He measured the heart , because there the believing takes place . And what is in the heart he measured by listening to the words . Matthew 12 : 34 says : " For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks . " When we therefore hear somebody pray , and after this nothing seems to happen - the desired result is not visible - we have no reason to say that the praying person does not believe . Only when we hear this person making a statement of unbelief , can we conclude a lack of faith . But if this person does not make such a negative statement , we have to assume that the prayer was made in faith , and we should actually add our faith to it and believe with this person and confess the solution .

Tagscontainer gardening , garden , gardening , LA , new garden , Small Space Gardening Everything has been going great so far ! I planted all my seeds over a week ago and they are all doing well . The ones doing the best are definitely the cucumbers and peas , here 's a picture of one of each of them . The lettuce and radishes are doing really well also . They still don 't look like much so I didn 't take picture . I 'm working on a new project , of course , and I 'm really excited about it ! It still doesn 't look like much so I 'll wait to tell you all what it is when I have a picture . My flowers came ! They even sent me an extra pack of morning glories I didn 't even order ! I already know where I want to put them which is in our front yard . I have started all of the seeds in a tray out in my yard but they all have long germination times so I won 't have sprouts for a little while . Tagscontainer gardening , garden , gardening , LA , Small Space Gardening The more time I spend outside the more time I want to be out there ! Especially because its been amazingly beautiful outside . I was just sitting out there enjoying life for a long time the past couple of days . It 's not going to stay this warm but am determined to enjoy it while it lasts . The sky was crystal clear blue and our large rosemary plant was buzzing with activity from a whole bunch of bees . I love seeing them so happy at that plant ! It 's pretty huge so there 's almost always three or more of them filling up there . My plants seem to all be doing really well too ! My first seeds I planted have sprouted ! They are just radish seeds , which I have been told are one of the easiest things to grow , but I don 't care , it warms my heart to see them ! It 's been a while since I took these picture and there are already more of them and they are getting bigger too ! I also planted a lot of other things as well . I know I 'm totally jumping the gun in terms of planting season but it won 't frost here so I 'm not too worried . I 'll get more pictures when I have time . Unfortunately with school starting I haven 't had as much time as I would like and I am totally scatter - brained when it comes to my phone . I am probably one of the few people in my generation who don 't always need it with them but that means I never have it with me to take pictures with ! I bought a while ago some raspberry and blackberry " plants . " I added quotes because they were both literally just sticks . No roots or anything ! When I planted them I was so close to returning them but my dad said they would be fine . I doubted him very heavily especially because they had pretty much remained sticks until very recently , but now the raspberry has growth ! It 's a little hard to see , but one little leaf sticking out the side of a stick ! Plants are kind of miracles . I 've always appreciated the way things work and plants are one of those really cool things . I mean I plant a little seed that looks more like a spec of dirt that anything else and now I have all sorts of buds growing out of the ground ! It 's one of the things that I think makes gardening so healing and satisfying is you can see how you are helping to create all this awesome life . Tagscompost , container gardening , garden , gardening , LA , new garden , Small Space Gardening , square foot gardening So I 've finally finished my garden space ! Well finished is a relative term because I think I am always going to be improving and adding to things , but its finished enough I can use it ! I even cleaned up the pathway back to it , so it 's not so much a dark alley and its much more inviting . If you saw my earlier picture I had used some old walkway tiles to prop up the dirt and make my little planters , but I stopped at Home Depot ( I have been there way too much ) and got a whole bunch of 42 cent bricks to do my last plating area and reinforce the ones I already made . Hopefully everything holds up well and hopefully the planters are deep enough , which is really my only worry right now . Here 's what they looked like right after I finished them . After I did this , I wanted to measure out my garden and figure out where I was going to plant everything . I have been looking into square foot gardening a little and the first thing to do when doing that , is to measure out and lay out a grid of square feet . I tried to do all of the of the spaces , but the top ones were just too weirdly shaped for me to make the actual grid . The bottom one it seemed to work well . You can see all the stakes I used as a make - shift way to make the grid . They just didn 't work for the upper tiers and I ended up taking them all out but I left all the ones in the bottom . When reading about square foot gardening it said you need really nutrient rich soil . I 'm hoping my mix of manure , potting soil , and regular soil with be enough for this . One of the common ways to add nutrients is using compost . I am really hoping my compost will start to be ready somewhat soon . I know it will be at least two months , but that would be fine timing , as it would be mid growing season for me and an awesome time to add it as mulch . Along with fixing the planting area , I fixed up the pathway along the house to the area . If I 'm going to be walking this path a lot I want to want to walk it ! Here are the before and after pictures : ( they are different angles , but obviously same space ) After cleaning up this space its awesome to go back there ! It 's so much nicer , and there is no more ducking under the tree to get to the back . I 'm planing on adding more stones as a path next to the planters , but since that 's purely cosmetic I 'm not going to worry about it . The next thing to do is to plant ! Tagscontainer gardening , garden , gardening , LA , new , new garden , Small Space Gardening If you 've read any of my previous posts , you 've heard of my lack of space and the side alley I have wanted to reclaim from the elements . I finally did ! It took all the might of my dad and me , but we were able to clear all of the plants , or should I say weeds ! Some of them were stacked two feet thick of just dead weeds on top of dead weeds . There were seriously so many weeds I could immediately tell I wouldn 't be able to use the soil that was there without having to go weed every two minutes . And these weren 't the nice slow attacking clover weeds either , these were large vine weeds . The soil that was there really was not great looking anyway so I spent all day pushing it down to the lowest tier and tree base that would not be used for planting . After I had a good amount of depth I laid down newspaper and built up makeshift wall with the old pathway stones we had there . I want to add more dirt , but I went and got my last batch of dirt with my dad this time , and he didn 't believe me when I told him how much I would need , which is fine , Home Depot is on my way home from school . The one in the back is big enough to hold three larger plants , especially since I plan to stagger them a little bit . I couldn 't go all the way back because there is concrete when you get close to the fence and that huge mound of dirt was basically a huge pile of broken concrete pieces I didn 't feel like dealing with . On the second tier there was a huge pipe in the way so I tried to make two levels to maximize the space . It 's all pretty janky , I know , but it will hold plants and that 's all I need ! There is another level I plan to utilize , hopefully making less a pathway and using more space , since it won 't have pipe in the way and is flatter to start out with . I plan on getting more bricks for my makeshift garden to help reinforce and so I can make it deeper if I want to . I want enough room for my plants roots to get nice and big ! I need to do some research on how deep plants roots are and on some companion planting tips before I figure out what I am planting where . I also , of course , have to finish the last space where I will be planting . I also want to look up and learn more about square foot gardening , I 've seen a little bit about it , but not tons . My flower seeds still haven 't come , which is pretty sad , I keep excitedly getting the mail only to be disappointed . But it 's okay because school has started and I have less time on my hands . I also need to plan things out , seeing as my main problem is continually space and yet I keep finding more stuff I want ! A small update on my compost : Compost is a somewhat slow process . I mean I knew this , but I still would like to see some progress . But I do know I am being impatient , especially because its just a trash can with holes in it , not some fancy thing . I 'm still a little unsure about my ratios , and if I should add some soil to it or not . I added a little bit of the manure mixture I bought , but I want some just regular soil to put on top to keep down the flies , who are really enjoying the compost right now . Tagscontainer gardening , garden , gardening , LA , new garden , Small Space Gardening Hello everyone , it 's time to talk about some of the plants I have already planted . As I said in my first post , I started by planting some vegetables from Home Depot . They were Broccoli , Cauliflower , and Brussels Sprouts . They are cool weather plants which is why they are being sold this time of year . Although I do worry the fact that it has been fairly warm may not be great for them . Since planted , they have grown some , but none have really been doing well . As I said before I planted these before I really decided that gardening was something I really wanted to do . That means it was before I knew how important soil was . The soil they 're planted in is pretty much the only soil in our yard and has definitely had no nutrients put in it , even though its been planted in many times before and had lots of nutrients taken out . Now that I know more about soil I know why nothing we planted here ever did well , including these veggies I just planted . This space , as you can see is not the greatest of all places to plant , but it works , even though I desperately need to fertilize these plants ( more ) ! There is also all those annoying tubes that were part of a drip system my dad made a long time ago . I would like to eventually utilize this but right now I don 't really want to mess with it too much . Other than these veggies , I am also trying my hand at some fruits . Strawberries are just about one of my favorite things and figured they shouldn 't be too hard to not screw up . I also wanted to try making this very cool planter I found on Pinterest . Here 's the link because her 's looks just about a million times better and is also a bird bath ! I forgot to get the big pot at the bottom that is supposed to anchor the whole thing ! Silly me ! But all in all I love this because it uses the vertical space , saving a lot of the space I wouldn 't have otherwise . It was also cheap , the terracotta pots are pretty darn cheap and a four foot stick of rebar is also cheap . So now onto the flowers ! I as I have said , probably too many times , I get a lot of my info and ideas off of Pinterest , but this one , not so much . As you have probably heard , bees are disappearing . People think a lot of it is because of certain types of pesticides that are now being used , but also because they have lost a lot a land that they used to live on , and used to be full of wild flowers that they got pollen from . Bees are an integral part to our lives , even though a lot of people think of them quite negatively . Even though you might have been stung by a bee in your life , its time to forgive and forget and help them out ! A lot of the food you eat is able to be grown and picked because of bees and other pollinators making it possible . In fact , on a lot of the sites I have been looking at they advocate enticing bees to your garden to help increase yields and ability for the plants to produce fruits . This is my little gardening partner Maggie . She 's a little dog we rescued about a month ago who is just a little sun bathing goddess ! Remember , always adopt and not buy ! And if you can , adopt a less desirable breed like a chihuahua or pit bull . Tagscontainer gardening , garden , gardening , LA , new garden , Small Space Gardening So I have containers , I even got a pack of seeds to start ! I figured since I 'm in zone 10 , I could get started early on my planting . The whole " zone " thing has to do with my location in the United States . The different zones have different low temperatures , meaning plants can or cannot be planted at different times during the year . I swear in my eight years living here it has never gotten below 45 degrees . In fact , now in mid - January its been steadily in the 70s or upper 60s . But this post is mostly on soil , since I 'm not going crazy with planting yet , my little planting alley next to my house is not ready yet , and I am starting school soon . I want to see how much time I will really have before getting into everything . I did go get soil not tons , just enough to plant the dwarf lemon tree my mom wanted and some to fill up the containers . I had always gotten potting mix with my father but its not the cheapest thing , especially if you 're buying it in the bags like us . So we decided to get top soil , which was only $ 2 a bag and steer manure and compost mix which was only $ 1 . 15 a bag . When looking at what people said to do when when fixing up their soil , a lot said the just took the soil they had on site and added compost and manure . Well we didn 't have any starting soil , which is why we bought the top soil to mix in the compost and manure . We did buy some potting mix because we figured mixing some of that in would only help things . We planted the dwarf lemon in this gorgeous planter we 've had one of those braided ficus in . We noticed after in rained a while ago that the water had never drained out , even though there was a hole in the bottom of the bottom of the pot . My mom and me managed to tip it on its side to drain it ( not easy , the thing was definitely water logged ) and when we did , there was a huge root sticking out the hole ! When I say huge , I mean huge too , it was at least three inches in diameter , and fairly long already . We were so happy we did this seeing as it was already trying to go down and break through the concrete in the middle , although the smell from the water that had been there for a long time was not pleasant . My brother had to help us get it out of pot , and it was kinda an ordeal . The lemon tree certainly looks dwarf right now , seeing as its a huge pot , but hopefully it grow bigger relatively soon . Below is the tree we took out . We are going to try and sell it seeing as we saw similar trees for sale at Home Depot for over $ 45 . So now the lemon tree looks great , ( pictured below ) and I filled up a couple of the containers with my soil mix . I did about one and half bags of top soil and three quarters a bag of manure / compost . A lot people recommend not filling up the whole container with soil , because it makes the container heavy and hard to move . I don 't plan on moving the containers from where they are and even now that they 're full , they really aren 't too bad . I put a full layer of potting soil on top of the two containers I filled up , about four inches thick . Again , not clue if this will actually help , but its can 't hurt . So once I get my side yard all cleared out and ready to plant , I will go get more soil , this time with my dad to help carry all the bags , and get ready to plant ! I 've read many times , and even had it recommended to me as a comment on my first post to start small . Unfortunately I 'm young and naive so I want to start with just about as much as I can ! I won 't though , I 'm really going to try and not get too crazy . Everything I will be growing is considered " easy " vegetables so hopefully even though I may be starting with more than I should , I 'll still get somewhat decent results ! Tagscontainer gardening , garden , gardening , new , new garden , Small Space Gardening So when I last left off it was with the realization , I needed to learn a lot more ! So that 's what I 've been doing pretty much since the day I planted . Pinterest is a huge source of my knowledge , it has just about everything about gardening , plus tons of cool and cute ways do everything in your garden ! The very first thing I saw and latched onto was the idea of a compost bin . I have always been big on environmental friendliness , so this idea seemed huge to me ! So I went and got a trash can , drilled some holes in the side ( yes I am very handy with a drill , girls can be handy too ) and started to fill it up . Every site you read , which just type in composting in any search engine ( especially Pinterest 's ) and you will have an abundant amount of information . You may find , of course as I did , not all the information really agrees . Some of it is on little stuff , like whether or not wood ash can go in a compost bin , which to me , really doesn 't matter seeing as I have very little wood ash to deal with in my life . But others , like how long it will take to compost , if you should add soil or not , if you should drills holes in the trash can you purchased , they all have a different opinion . I think my ratios are my biggest problem , I still have a lot of dry stuff . I added in leaves and trimmings that were definitely more juicy than the sticks ( which I did cut up to be small ) but other than that , not the wettest thing . Of course moister is very important , and hopefully as I collect and add more green waste from my house , I will get more . Also my bin isn 't super full , which I think could be a slight problem , again that is just solved with time . When running errands with my mom , we found some great cheap plastic planters at Costco ( pictured below ) . They are two feet in diameter which seems like it would plenty big , especially because we got four , but its not as big as you think . When looking on the back of most seeds they want you to plant them at least 24 inches apart ! That 's the size of one planter , which means just four large plants ! So in my quest for space I went to our dark corner dungeon . Okay its not a dungeon , it actually gets a lot of sun , which is great for plants ! There are just two problems : One , to get to it you have to crawl past a huge tree , and two , its completely over run with some kind of ground cover plant . Just look at all that space ! This is a view from my front yard over the fence , there was huge spiderweb preventing me from actually getting back here past the tree . So that 's the end to of the beginning of my story ! Now that I know where I 'm going to plant everything , I just have to do the actual planting ! Hopefully you 'll keep reading and follow along with me on this journey ! Tagscontainer gardening , depression , garden , gardening , LA , new , new garden , Small Space Gardening So I am brand spanking new to the wide world of gardening ! Some recent events in my life led me to this interest , and decided to dive in head first . I started out by buying the small starter plants they sell Home Depot in the vegetables they happened to have available , which were bush beans , Brussels sprouts , broccoli , and cauliflower . As I have now learned , these are all cool weather vegetables , which why they are available for purchase in January . I am 19 years old living with my parents in a beach town inside of Los Angles . Our backyard has a pool , which sounds cool , but until you realize that means we have no grass or really any plant planting space , only concrete ! Which , sucks if you 're looking to garden . I have celiac disease , which means I cannot eat gluten ( wheat , barley , and rye ) . I am currently attending junior college with hopes to transfer to UCLA , get my bachelors and then a teacher credential . I may just end up going to Long beach or CSUN though , I mean a teacher is a teacher , who cares how fancy the school is they went to . Never weed , nor water , nor pay any damn attention to what we just planted . Which is what ends up leading us the next year to say it again and repeat this stupid cycle . This year I 'm changing it . The problems we have always faced are time and laziness . My dad works a pretty high up job at a pretty well known famous company here in LA and doesn 't get home until late every night , and really has no time to spend in the yard taking care of things . Me , well I was in high school before college , obviously , and certainly had time . I think the laziness was mostly on me . Well after going through some intense , personal things this past year , and battling depression because of them , I decided to devote myself to things that would make me happy . One day I decided to go outside and see if there was anything I could to do to make it better out there , and it caught a hold of me . I ended up being out there over three hours that first day cleaning things up and getting ready to start my garden wonderland . So I enlisted my dad 's help again for this year on the weekend when he would be free ( so long as it was before or between football games of course ) . It was truly amazing the things he could just do in like two seconds that I spent an hour failing at . It was also so helpful ! We went to Home depot and bought a whole ton of plants , including the early mentioned vegetables . We have thin strip of dirt right next to our fence on the other side of the concrete slab that is our yard that had just been completely covered in weeds . It had at other times grown tomatoes , but not for a little while now . We also had a lot of rather shabby clay pots left by the houses previous owner that I decided to utilize at well .

Maria came into the bathroom and started patting my back . She asked if I felt yucky , told me to get it all out , and when I was done she asked if I felt better . Total sweetheart . I have a serious lack of motivation to do much of anything . . . . We 've been waiting , a very long time for something . . . . immigration papers to be more exact . . . but nothing seems to be happening . I had this unspoken expectation that things would be taken care of shortly after the kids and I returned from the United States to Honduras . That we would return to a first world country with parks , and public transportation that didn 't make my little girl throw up every single time we tried to get out of town . That my husband would be able to have a job that provided for our families needs . . . . . . . . and I could go on and on about my now unfulfilled hopes . Nothing has happened . We 've been back here in Honduras a month and a half . Things are getting harder . I 'm trying hard to enjoy this phase in life . . . . I do realize that it is a cool experience to have . It would be even cooler if we were older . . . like retired , and we were living in some small beach town ( instead of a small mountain town in the middle of nowhere ) , and if I drank ( which I don 't ) or used some little recreational drugs ( again something I just don 't do ) , or if I were interested in wasting my days away ( which really , I 'm not ) . . . . then maybe this situation would be better . But that 's not reality . We are in a small mountain town in the middle of nowhere , we are young , and have two very young children that we would love to give more to ( parks , swimming , libraries , hikes in the woods , playing in the creeks , throwing rocks in the ocean ( or even a lake ) , cupcakes , primary , playgroups . . . . etc ) . . . . and we are required to have patience . . . . . a LOT of patience as we wait . We 've looked into things that we can do and it 's pretty much nothing ( unless we pursue different paths ) . We can not call the embassy to see what is going on with our papers . . . . they do not answer their phones . We CAN send an inquiry by email into our case status . . . BUT they do not have to reply , ever . And if they do want to reply they have 28 working days to do so ( which is WAY longer than a month ) . I am loosing patience . We have been waiting a LONG time ( as in Maria is almost 3 and we sent our papers in shortly after she was born ) . I did the calculations the other day , but forgot the exact date because I didn 't write it down , and sometime mid - august Cooper will have spent more of his life in Honduras than he has in the United States . I had never really thought about that , I guess I just assumed that we would be on to the next phase in life before that happened . Now . . . . all that complaining done for the moment , I 'm going to list the things I 'm grateful for , more for my benefit . . . . to try to remember the good things and keep things in perspective . I am grateful for this experience . I 'm so grateful to get to know Marco 's family . They are all so incredibly wonderful . I 'm grateful for the opportunity to know where Marco grew up , and understand some of the decisions he made in the past . I 'm grateful that we can live here in a third world country and see the poverty . . . it has made me distinguish more between wants and needs , luxuries and necessities . I do think that I am becoming a better person for the things that I have experienced here . Now , the reason for this whole post . I am loosing my patience ( which I have already said ) , I am tired of waiting ( which , again , I have already said ) , I am REALLY looking forward to the day when we can celebrate good news ( I think we 're going to kill the turkey and have a party ! ! ) Motivation to be positive , and upbeat , and take pictures , and blog about the cool things that are happening with us here in Honduras is hard to find . I will try , but most of my motivation will probably go towards making meals , doing dishes , trying to find fun things for the kids to do , picking up toys , folding laundry , and on the rare occasion cleaning the bathroom . This morning as I was making tortillas the gas on our stove ran out . We have a tank , like one used on a grill , but a little bit bigger . This time around it lasted us two months . Abuela finished cooking our tortillas on her wood stove , so all was not lost . We will get a new tank tomorrow . Just after lunch today the power went out . . . . . and stayed out until 8 : 30 this evening . So with no gas , and no power , cooking in my house is impossible . Thank goodness for Abuela and her wood stove . Saved the day and kept my kids fed . . . . . . . . . . My inability to cook today brought back many memories of when we didn 't have a stove ( or a fridge ) here . I used to cook on a griddle . . . you know , the one you occasionally bust out to cook pancakes or bacon . I cooked everything on it , or at least I tried to . I learned that you can cook a plethora of things on a griddle . . . . it 's not just for breakfast food , although I think it is best suited for breakfast food . You can cook chicken , and rice . Pork chops , saute veggies , spaghetti , beans ( although this takes FOREVER ) . You can make toast , cook eggs and hash browns , soup & oatmeal . You can NOT pop popcorn . It just does not get hot enough . Corn tortillas do not turn out that great , they get kind of dry . You can NOT boil water . . . . . again not enough heat . It says that it can get up to 400 degrees , and maybe that 's true , but a lot of times it didn 't seems so . I am super grateful for our little " plancha " ( griddle ) and those months that I cooked on it . . . . BUT , it makes me even more grateful for our stove . This is the front of our house . There is about a 3 foot deep " patio " between the gate and the entrance to the living room . The only natural light in the living room comes in thru the window and door when we keep the door open , which we like to do often . The kids love to play out here , and we can lock the gate so I feel safe with them playing there if I 'm doing the dishes . It also keeps a safer distance between Maria and Orfito if either of them are in a biting mood . Sunday 's and Thursday 's are market days , as I have mentioned before , and we live pretty much in the middle of it all . There is a little step from our front gate down to the road , and if there is no booth set up in front of our house people make themselves at home on that little step . If we decide to keep our door and window open , then we , more often than not , become the fish in the fish bowl . People have no qualms whatsoever about staring at us . I am VERY grateful for the front gate and lock . . . . if it wasn 't there then a bunch of the neighborhood kids ( and a few of the adults ) would feel free to come and go as they please . Maybe it 's because I have two small children . . . . Maybe it 's because I don 't want to have the stress of having to keep a vigilant eye out for my kids every second of every minute . . . . Maybe I 'm just not that cool neighborhood mom . . . . but I don 't want people in my house , in my space all the time . So , again , VERY grateful for the gate . The fish bowl is getting old . We still have people who come up who are strangers who want to see the us , people who stop and stare for several very long minutes . It 's worse when we go out . . . . which I 've kind of been avoiding lately . I prefer to go to the backyard to play with the kids . . . . away from prying eyes . If we need something from the store I 'll see if Marco wants to go get it . When my parents were visiting the staring was a . maz . ing . We went to buy vegetables up the hill and EVERYONE was staring at my Dad . Eyes would follow him wherever he moved . People would follow him around ( some wanting money , some just wanting to look ) . He was Mr . Popular . I don 't think a lot of these people had ever seen a man so big and tall . Once my Mom , Marco , Cooper , and I went down the hill to see about buying an horno pot and this lady was maybe 3 feet away , staring at us . Those are just the blatant ones . Every single time we go out we get comments or looks . - oh look at their eyes - - look at the little girls blond curls - - oh they 've got the pair ( meaning we have both a girl and a boy ) - and if I venture out using the stroller there are always comments on that . I have never been a person that sought the spotlight . . . . I could never handle being a famous movie star and having people follow your every move . So . incredibly . annoying . Now , for the most part we just live in a fish bowl . . . . wherever we go people want to look at us . They , for the most part , keep their distance . More often than I 'd like ( I 'd really prefer NEVER ) people will pet Maria 's hair , or squeeze Cooper 's cheeks or tweek his nose . . . . . that bothers me . Unless I know you , don 't touch my kids . People have offered to help me with the kids when I have ended up carrying them both , I always politely decline unless I know their names . People , for the most part , are very respectful . Only once have I ever had a problem . It was a Sunday after the market was all done . Marco had gone to his uncle 's house to visit while the kids were napping . After the kids woke up they NEEDED to get out of the house so we took a little walk down to the pulperia to get something . . . . I don 't even remember what for now . There were a few other people ahead of us . A man came up to us . . . he was a little intoxicated . . . . and wanted to hold Cooper . I said no , and he actually tried to take Cooper out of my arms . I said no and switched Coop to my other arm . The man then proceeded to go around to the other side of me and try to pick up Maria . I picked her up and left . The shopkeeper did try to tell the man to leave us alone , but he was just too persistent for me . This whole fish bowl / petting zoo is definitely NOT on my list of good things about being here , but it is part of being here . . . and I am trying to document our experience as a whole here . This is our internet . It is a little USB thing with a phone chip inside . It works like the cell phones here . Your pre - pay by buying recharges or phone cards . Each month we have to buy 500 Lempiras worth of phone cards , take the chip out of the USB and insert it into a phone , upload the phone cards , send a text message saying that we want to recharge our internet , and then insert the chip back into the USB . It is a hassle , especially because we can not buy the phone cards here in Lepaera . We 've looked . . . . they don 't sell the big ones here . We even tried to see if they had 50 - 10 Lempira phone cards , but no , we could only find 17 . . . . . . . . . arg . So . . . . Most of the time , after the internet has gone out it takes a few days for us to get it back . I sent some packages to myself so that I wouldn 't have to pay the extra baggage fees which were super high . They FINALLY arrived . The company that we shipped with say on the website that it will take betweeen 10 and 12 days to get the packages . . . but that is the ship time . . . . as in time on a ship . once it leaves the docks in the US , to the time that it arrives at the docks in Honduras . Apparently they don 't want to come and deliver our two packages if they don 't have anything else coming our way . . . . kudos to them on saving gas , but I WANT MY PACKAGES ! ! They were sitting in their warehouse in La Ceiba for 2 1 / 2 weeks before they finally made it into the truck to be delivered . This is Oso ( the dog ) hanging out inside the horno ( oven ) . We used to keep the laundry soap in there , but he 's been getting inside and knocking things out so we 've had to find different locations to store soap . I guess the oven bricks & mud keep it cooler inside . This is a fruit called nahn - say . I have no idea how it 's spelled , but that 's how you pronounce it . The flavor is ok , but I just can 't get over the texture . It has a different texture to it . Yesterday a big tractor came by and smoothed out the roads . The rain had made them pretty bumpy . So for entertainment we hung out watching the tractor go up and down the road . ( It proceeded to rain REALLY hard last night and the same old valley 's re - appeared in the road . ) This morning one of Marco 's friends came by on his motorcycle . The kids played on that thing for half an hour and did NOT want to get off . I have wanted to make Maria a shirt with doily sleeves for quite a while . The package that I sent to myself had the white material so after bedtime one night I made up this little shirt for her . Abuela and I made this dress together . We bought the material at Corti - Telas , a store in Tegucigalpa , when we were visiting back in January . Its really soft . There are a few layers of black tulle and a black cotton underlining under the skirt part . The neck is high in front with a v - neck in back and exposed zipper . Maria loves it . . . . it 's a circle skirt so she 's loving spinning ! I saw this little shirt on Made By Rae the other day and thought it was super cute . She was part of No Big Dill 's Once Upon a Thread series . Clothes inspired by children 's stories . So , here is what I came up with . It 's a little different than the original . . . . . I forgot to add pockets . But overall I like how it turned out . I did a one button closure . My original plan was to only have the back slit come down to the waist band , but when we did a trial run of putting the shirt on , it was a little tight and I didn 't want this to be a cute shirt that she never wore because it was so hard to put on . So I cut it down an extra couple of inches . For the hem I used a bias - tape like finish . . . . so the stripe part is actually double the length shown . . . . . . so if she ever goes thru a growth spurt , I can lengthen it easily .

So I shared - my respiratory bug - with my poor husband . Last Saturday he woke up with a bone - rattling cough , which was not fair , since I wasn 't quite finished with my turn yet ! He jumped the queue and has been sick ever since . This is one nasty bug . I only quit coughing yesterday , so he has a good week left . I wanted to take him to the doctor yesterday , but he said no . I wanted to take him to the doctor this morning but he said no . When I finally said , " Now will you go to the doctor ? " , at about 6 : 30 tonight he gasped yes and I helped him dress and get into the truck . We waited a while but saw a pleasant young doctor who prescribed antibiotics , a steroid puffer for Tony 's inflamed lungs , and something for his cough and muscle pain . He 's now tucked back into bed , and we will hope that tomorrow he will begin to feel better . I had a list of chores as long as a frog 's tongue this morning , and after house cleaning , top of the list was to get the netting on the outside enclosure we have been trying to build for Salvador . He spends about half his time hanging on the screen door howling to go outside . Most of the time he just wants to lie down in the yard and watch the birds , the trees and whatever is going by at the moment , but I can 't sit out there all day with him . So we decided to build him a four by six enclosure which he can access with a cat flap in the " garage " door . The floor and frame have been up for over three weeks , but first it was too cold and wet to work outside , then I got sick and then Tony got sick . So it has sat . Today it was reasonably warm . The mock cherry trees are blooming like mad and smell wonderful so outside was the place to be . I got out the staple gun and did a temporary " fix " on the enclosure , so Sal can at least use it . We will put a proper roof on as soon as we are up to the task , but for now I put a piece of white tarp on for a roof , and stapled plastic deer netting all the way around , leaving a flap for the door . I couldn 't figure out how to close the flap so he couldn 't escape but evenPosted by Summerland is only about 50 miles north of Oliver , so I have been surprised at the different birds I 've seen here . Perhaps it 's because of the lake , which is only a stone 's throw away . Perhaps it 's because 300 ft in the opposite direction we are cupped into the shelter of some high , sandy cliffs . These are absolutely riddled with bird holes . Right next door is a vineyard and an area of uncultivated field , which includes a derelict log cabin and an impressive pile of old trunks and stumps , field debris and dirt pushed up into a 20 ft high mountain . So the bird population spotted here so far , in no particular order , as much as I remember : A pair of yellow - shafted flickers . These are lovely big birds with spectacular coloration , and they don 't seem to mind being watched from a distance of 10 - 12 feet as they poke around in the grass looking for worms . The inevitable pair of almost fearless robins . They love to tease the cat when we are out walking , by hopping just a few feet ahead of him . They let him get within about eight feet and then take off and land in a nearby tree . I saw one teasing the neighbour 's cat in exactly the same way , leading the ( very fat ) cat to climb a tree trying to catch the robin . He was clinging onto the branch with all four feet , only a few feet short of the robin , when it flew into the adjacent tree . ( And had a good laugh I presume ! ) Canada geese - a mated pair - magnificent birds , but a victim of their own breeding success here in the Okanagan . This spring a team is going around addling goose eggs in an effort to reduce the enormous population . Can 't help but feel sorry for the geese . They love their eggs like we love babies . When a clutch has a dozen eggs I don 't know why the " addlers " can 't leave at least one or two viable eggs for the geese to raise . Rusty blackbirds with their bright yellow " bead " eye and irridescent feathers . There was a flock of about ten of them outside this morning . Gambrel quail - three birds - not much of a covey after our hundred or so in Oliver . They live in the Posted by I never want to move again ! It 's not the sorting , packing , cleaning loading , unloading , unpacking , cleaning , etc that I have decided I never want to do again ( though it 's not a process I 'd do for entertainment ) . It 's the thought of going through all the flippin ' paperwork . So far it 's taken us three full days to deal with the endless letters , forms and examinations . When did they start requiring a colonoscopy and a full body scan to get a post office box key and a new account at the credit union ? ( Thanks Dubya ! ) At the post office our ID was unimportant . We could have been the advance scouts of Ghenghis Khan 's army and they 'd not have been concerned . But they suspected we were prevaricating when we told them where we live . With steely eyes and grim expressions they " checked the book " to make certain that the street we told them we lived on actually existed in their municipality . Then they checked to see that there was a postal drop box at the location indicated and that it covered our " alleged " address . They checked our site rental receipt and declared it unconvincing and unsubstantiated evidence . Despite having the park name , address and phone number , our name , our site number and the signature of the park manager on it , it was inadequate to convince them to part with their precious postal box key . They required an official letter from the park owner , reassuring them that we were permanently parked on their doorstep . This took a further ten days to acquire , and we had to go through the same interrogation process all over again . Every clerk in the place had to look over both us ( hmmmm ) and our letter . After 15 minutes of muttering and consultations they consented to allow us a box and key . Then they turned sunny as daffodils and chatted us up like we were all childhood next - door neighbours . Then we went across the street to the credit union . The woman at the desk looked at us over her glasses and asked for 17 pieces of ID , blood samples and pedigree charts back to our grandsires . She looked over the stack of ID wPosted by Ah , Earth Day , when we fondle our collective guilt and think for a few minutes about what we could do if we put our mind to it to conserve and recycle . Here the Buddha in our garden meditates on our energy usage , and what can be done about it . I was reading that the average American home uses 30 kwh of electricity per day . So , in hopes of documenting virtue I sat down with our electricity bills for the past year and figured out our average daily usage in kwh . I guess we are doing our part for the environment after all . Averaged out over the year we used five Kwh per day this past year . That 's going to go up , because it doesn 't include the power we used doing laundry at the laundromat . Now with a washer and dryer at home that power use will be more visible . However the new w / d I keep rhapsodizing about has a high Energy Star rating . According to the sticker , washing eight loads a week at eight cents per Kwh , which just happens to be what we have been paying , costs $ 11 . 31 for an entire year ! And the dern thing uses a tablespoon of detergent and liquid fabric softener per load , so it 's economical on the soap too . Summerland is starting a blue bag recycling program . Alas , the beach community is not included in the route . Summerland is divided up the middle by mountains and we are sort of in the middle of nowhere . Perhaps later they will come out here , but we are going to call and see if we can take blue bags to a recycling depot . We haven 't ever had the extra energy to recycle this way , but we 're hoping to make it the next step in our conservation efforts . The lights in the Beach House are all 12 volt DC and use the same DC bulbs that you 'd use in your old Ford 's tail lights . DC bulbs use about 30 % less power than equivalent - sized AC incandescent bulbs . We are looking at replacing a couple of our DC bulbs with LED lights . I 'm not sure how that will work , but they do have advantages . Cost is not one of them . The little bulbs cost over $ 20 . 00 each ! But they burn for over 10 , 000 hours and draw less than a watt of power , Posted by Last Friday , at about 3 : 00 am , I woke with a deep , bone - rattling cough . It kept me awake for a couple of hours , until I searched through our as - yet - unpacked boxes of grooming aids and health - care products to find a decongestant cough syrup . Friday , Saturday and Sunday I coughed . I was getting very sore by this point . Monday I . . . oh cut out the middle part . By the time I got in to see the doctor on Wednesday it was clear that I had pneumonia . I felt as cold as if I were sitting on an ice floe in a raging wind , I was struggling to breathe and felt as if I had been run down by a steamroller . I was too sick to drive so we took a cab to Summerland to the doctor 's office . He took my temperature , listened to my burbling chest , and said , " You have pneumonia . " He gave me an antibiotic , plus some hot - damn prescription cough syrup that puts the OTC stuff to shame . He also gave me a requisition for a chest x - ray . Three days on the antibiotic and I am beginning to feel perfectly human again , though I sound like a rusty gate when I breathe . I had that x - ray today . It was too late in the day to have it on Wednesday and I was still too sick to drive yesterday . I haven 't accomplished much this week other than slumping from the bed to the sofa . My lovely plans to achieve wonders went down the drain . The only good that has come from it is that I 've lost 10 pounds . Pneumonia must be a real energy burner , but then coughing is a good workout . Alas , I know the weight loss will not last . As soon as I am feeling well again the pounds will catch up to me . The last time I had pneumonia I lost 11 pounds in four days . I thought it was the hospital food , disgusting pap that it was , but this time I 've eaten my own swill , so I guess it 's the bug and not the fodder . I 'm going back to bed now . After I go have another swig of that great cough syrup . Mr . Moo woke me at 5 : 30 demanding a cat cookie and I couldn 't go back to the sleep , so I got up , made a pot of java , hauled out my box of gardening seeds and inventoried them . Hmmmmm . . . . I have six kinds of basil . Does that say * anything * to you ? I have a boot box full of seeds for plants that demand full sun . I have a very limited amount of space which gets full sun , and it 's all gravel . This says " pots " to me . Thankfully , due to the generosity of my new next - door neighbour I have a good selection of * very * large pots . I think these will be just the thing for a few acorn and yellow squash plants , my basil selection , and a tomato plant or two . I could use a flowering vine to screen the neighbour to the north , as he apparently doesn 't know that soap and water applied to the * black * end of his trailer would make it all white and sparkly again . And he has a canoe pulled up there , a pile of hoses , old tools and various flotsam and jetsam . You get the picture . I need a screen . But it needs to be something which doesn 't need much sun . That I have to think on . In the place where I can use a flowering vine which does get sun I will plant scarlet runner beans , perhaps morning glories or sweet peas . The sweet peas might cook in the full sun of the Okanagan . I 'll have to ask the neighbour how they do . She is an avid gardener too . The planning of the garden is a most enjoyable pastime for the gardener . In your mind 's eye everything jumps out of the ground and bursts into bloom within about a week . ( This is fantasy . ) In truth the plants will struggle half - heartedly out of the ground in poor competition with the weeds , attract every insect in a radius of a mile , and flower two days before the first killing frost , if they don 't topple over in a windstorm first . Nevertheless , here I am at 6 : 00 am on a Sunday morning , trying to decide if there 's any place where four - foot tall red poppies would work . At least in my case the word gardener is code for hopeless optimist . After sweeping up a tub of sand tracked in from the yard , and looking down our " street " to the beach , we decided to call our new home The Beach House . We are moved , set up , almost unpacked , skirted and worn to a nub . But we are very happy with BH . We have much more room , plus that fantastic washer / dryer and bathtub . Other things we particularly like are ; 1 ) The bed is high , much easier to get in and out of , and much easier to make . Also comfortable . 2 ) The wonderful vinyl hickory plank floor which Ian bought and spent four days laying . Not only is it beautiful , it is so easy to care for . 3 ) Bigger fridge , large freezer ! 4 ) Double sinks , prep room on the counter5 ) four burner stove and apt . size ( 24 " ) oven6 ) closets to hang our clothes7 ) Comfortable sofa and rocking chair in the living room8 ) Comfy banquette in the kitchen . We can actually sit at the table and have our meals ! 9 ) The view out the front windowGetting to this point hasn 't been without its ups and downs but in addition to Ian 's help we had help from the most wonderful friends Flo , Jim , Pat and Claude , as well as almost 40 hours of paid help from Gary the RV man . Flo took down the dirty drapery from the BH , mended , washed and ironed it . I was thinking I 'd have to replace the drapery right away , now I can do it at my leisure , thanks to Flo . She also carried most of our goods and chattels from the Tinpalace to the BH , and when I went to clean the Tinpalace in preparation for its new owner Flo pitched in with pail and soap and did the work of three people . Her husband Jim did so much work in the Beach House we were talking about adopting him ! He pulled out a cabinet which was very difficult to move , helped put up the wall back up between bath and bedroom and hung the new door . Pat and Claude also helped a huge amount . Pat broke her wrist and arm very badly shortly after Tony broke his leg , and her recovery has been slow and very painful . She is limited in what she can do with that hand , but it didn 't keep her from making and feeding us wonderful treats like Posted by There is a misconception that Buddhism is a religion and that you worship Buddha . Buddhism is a practice , like yoga . You can be a Christian and practice Buddhism . I met a Catholic priest who lives in a Buddhist monastery in France . He told me that Buddhism makes him a better Christian . I love that . ~ Thích Nhất HạnhToday is a gift , that 's why it is called " The Present " . May I meet this moment fully . May I meet it as a friend . ~ Sylvia BoorsteinLewis Richmond explains a Buddhist approach to aging ; Every breath , new chances ~ If you 're scientifically literate the world looks very different to you and that understanding empowers you ~ Neil deGrasse TysonThe mind is everything . What you think you become . ~ The Buddha TRAIN IN THE THREE DIFFICULT PRACTICES : The three difficult practices ) are : 1 . to recognize your neurosis as neurosis , 2 . then not to do the habitual thing , but to do something different to interrupt the neurotic habit , and 3 . to make this practice a way of life . ~ Pema ChodronI am of the nature to grow old . There is no way to escape growing old . I am of the nature to have ill health . There is no way to escape ill health . I am of the nature to die . There is no way to escape death . All that is dear to me and everyone I loveAre of the nature to change . There is no way to escape being separated from them . My actions are my only true belongings . I cannot escape the consequences of my actions . My actions are the ground upon which I stand . ~ The Plum Village Chanting , by Thích Nhất Hạnh Everything will be all right in the end . If it is not yet all right , it is not yet the end . ~ Indian Proverb " We do not have to create a world where differences are resolved by war . It is not our destiny to live in a world of destruction , tedium , and tragedy . We will create a world of peace . " ~ James Moore Self discipline is remembering what you really want . ~ Anon The corner stone of our non - violent revolution will be : Living within our needs . ~ William " Papa " Meloney I am trying to wake up , in the Buddhist sense , in other words , to be open and curious , not to recoil from discomfort and challenge but to embrace it and learn what it has to teach me . As Peace Pilgrim said : " Inner peace is not found by staying on the surface of life , or by attempting to escape from life through any means . Inner peace is found by facing life squarely , solving its problems , and delving as far beneath its surface as possible to discover its verities and realities . "

I really like that song . But it has nothing to do with this post other than that I like it . It just popped into my head and became a post title . Moving on . . . Day 31 of the Blog Every Day in May challenge . WOW ! I can 't believe I made it . Well , I may have cheated a few times by scheduling or back dating my posts . But I still did 31 posts in 31 days . That 's an accomplishment . And because of the 31 posts in 31 days , I have now run out of things to talk about . I 'm not a fan of today 's prompt ( a vivid memory ) . It is insanely hot in Houston today . I started sweating as soon as I walked outside . Not good when you 're trying to impress someone . Looking forward to happy hour tonight with some friends ( and Boy Wonder ) . Fun times ! I FINALLY figured out where my IPass was . I loaned it to my grandma and she forgot to give it back . It 's been driving me crazy ! I think it 's really unfair I have to pay bar dues again when I just paid them last November . The State of Texas likes to suck money out of lawyers . My days of having nights off are coming to a close . I 'm going to be so busy in June ! It 's Friday . Thank goodness . These short weeks always feel so long . I hope Clark lets me sleep in tomorrow . Have a wonderful weekend ! I 'll be blogging more but not every day in June ! I have learned in my short 32 years on this planet that letting go is one of the best ways to be happy . I was actually just discussing this topic last night with Boy Wonder . When I was in my 20s , I had everything planned out . Actually , now that I think about it , I believe I came out of the womb planning my life . I always had goals and a time frame that I was aiming to meet . But in my 20s , I was really into planning . My life was going to go like this - college , marriage , babies . HA ! Boy did the Big Guy Upstairs have a different plan for me . I got through college but the marriage and babies part kinda fell apart . I think that was probably the first time in my life that things didn 't go as planned . And as an 25ish year old would do , I sulked and complained and threw a fit . But then , I put on my big girl panties and realized that letting go of the planning every single moment of my life was what would really make me happy . I let go and moved on . If my plan had gone as planned , I would have never gone to law school . I would have never met my close group of friends that I have now . I would have never gotten to spend a summer in Spain . I wouldn 't be as involved with my sorority as I am now . My life would be completely different . And I love my life now . I can honestly say that I am completely happy . While there are always things that I 'm working towards ( i . e . that marriage and family goal ) , I definitely wouldn 't change the way my life has turned out . I am happier and more satisfied with my life now than I think I ever have been . And it 's all thanks to " letting go . " Day 29 and the prompt I was supposed to do was all pictures . Except I forgot to take pictures today . So I have nothing for you . Except that today was a normal day of work , taking care of the pup , and trivia with friends and Boy Wonder . There you go . A recap of my Wednesday . Exciting , huh ? ! ? ! ? ! Day 28 : Five songs to share . It 's like show and tell day . And I get to share songs that I 'm obsessed with right now . Here you go : Day 27 of the challenge and still going strong ( kind of ) . Today is Memorial Day . First of all , I love 3 day weekends . You get an extra day of rest and it makes for a shorter work week . it 's a win - win situation . But Memorial Day is extra special because it 's a day we remember the service men and women who have served our country and fought for our freedom . I have several family members that have been in the service at some point in the past . I am thankful for their devotion to our country . It 's definitely a sacrifice that I 'm not sure I could handle . So take a moment to be thankful for all the men and women who serve our country while you 're enjoying you BBQ , pool party , and adult beverage . Then we got hungry and visited Mongoose vs . Cobra . Yummy pretzel and a drink with an egg white in it . I tried not to think about the fact I was drinking raw egg . I even pondered how many raw eggs it was safe to consume in one day . First of all , thank you for reading my blog . I appreciate you for doing so . I know sometimes I 'm not that exciting . I try to be . But this whole being an adult , working full time , and having a child dog sometimes makes for some boring days . I actually like those days because they are few and far between . I do try to be somewhat entertaining while still documenting my life . That 's really why I have a blog . I used to scrapbook but that got too expensive , messy , and time consuming . I usually ended up with glue in my hair and a not - so - nice looking book . So I started blogging . I kinda like it . it 's a little therapeutic . Although I 'm pretty sure some of the people I 've blogged about ( i . e . bad date guys ) wouldn 't appreciate it . Oh well , it is what it is . I have noticed lately there are a lot of people reading my blog . But they don 't comment . You shouldn 't be afraid to comment . I mean , don 't be leaving me nasty comments . That 's just not nice . But I do read them . And I will respond ( if you leave an email address ) . There are even people from other countries reading my blog . Kinda weird and cool at the same time . But seriously , if you like a post , let me know . If you have blog of your own , let me know and I 'll check it out . I love reading new blogs . Day 25 of Blog Every Day in May . Today I was asked to share something that I 've been reading online . Well , I read a lot of stuff online . But one of my favorite sites to read is Reality Steve . Click HERE to visit his website . For those of you that know me , you already know that I 'm a huge Bachelor / Bachelorette fan . It 's not something I 'm proud of but the first step in recovering from an addiction is admitting it , right ? I 've been watching this show from day 1 ( which is way too long ) . I can 't help myself . I know it 's a horrible show . I very often know what 's going to happen on the show ( thanks Reality Steve for the spoilers ! ) . I also know that 99 . 999 % of the time , the relationship ends . BUT I still watch the show . This Monday , a new season starts . It 's with Desiree . I 'm not a huge fan of hers but I 'll still watch the show . For the next couple of months , my Monday night will be filled with the Bachelorette and her lovely suitors . First of all , this place has delicious bagels . It 's a little hole in the wall but their bagels are yummy . And cheap . $ 1 . 79 for a bagel with cream cheese . Way better than Einsteins . BUT I don 't understand why bagel shops have to use an INSANE amount of cream cheese . Are they trying to kill me via a cream cheese drowning . I think so . I know I 'm paying for it but really ? Do I need a whole pound of cream cheese on my bagel ? I think not . Here 's the proof . Exhibit A ( and I don 't have an Exhibit B - I ate it . But I still like to use exhibits ) : This is the leftover cream cheese that I scraped off the bagel I ate this morning . AND I still had cream cheese on my bagel . Kinda gross when I look at this picture . I 'm slowly becoming a regular at this place . I 've been going a few times a week for the last few weeks . ( And don 't say anything about how bagels aren 't on my diet . I know this already . I have issues clearly . ) I 'm just waiting for the day I walk in and he doesn 't even need to ask me for my order . Supreme bagel toasted with light cream cheese . SO GOOD ! Speaking of regulars , the REGULARS at this place think they run the joint . Example - This morning , I 'm waiting in line to get my bagel . And a regular walks in . He just feels the need to cut in front of everyone in line and place his order . AND THEN , he looks at the 5 or so people waiting in line and say " Oh , are you all in line ? " Ummmm . . . . duh dude ! Why else would we be standing in a line at the counter ? Silly regulars ! Another regular example - they have no concept of personal space . This bagel shop is kind of small and it gets busy so I understand having to get a little cozy . But this particular regular had to get all up in my business this morning . AND to make matters worse , he had just come from working out so he didn 't smell so great to say the least . I felt like I needed a shower after today 's bagel visit . This bagel shop brings in all sorts of characters . People going to work , retired people , nannies with the kiddos , and really anybody else you can think of . It 's always an odd mix in line each morning . One lady came in this morning and ordered enough food to feed an army . Seriously ! She had two huge bags of bagels . THEY ARE THAT YUMMY ! Ok , enough observations . This post really has no point . I just wanted to tell someone about my bagel observations and everyone at my office is out ( or not at work yet ) so the blog gets to hear them . ( good thing I proofread my post . I had spelled hear " here " . The grammar police would have definitely caught that one ) So excited about this weekend . 3 day weekend . Not much planned . An outing with Boy Wonder . My sick puppy is FINALLY on the mend . My kind of weekend ! Day 23 of the Blog Every Day in May challenge . I 'm going to go off the beaten path today and change things up a little . While I 'm still linking up to the challenge , I am also going to link up with two other blogs today . These are two blogs that I read and really like . Visit them HERE and HERE . BUT I have never met these women in real life ( is that weird ? does that make me a stalker ? ) Anyways , these ladies have been doing a Thursday link up called " It 's ok . " Today is the last Thursday they will do the link up so I felt it was only appropriate to link up to them too . Because I do . And his name is DAD . I 'm currently residing with the parentals for the time being . It works for the most part ( although lately it 's been rough ) . My mom was out of town for 8 days . And what did my dad do in those 8 days . NOTHING ! Well , he did something . He went to work and took care of the dogs . But he did not help pick up at all . I can 't wait for my mom to be back tonight so I don 't have to go around the house picking up socks , shoes , dishes , left over food , glasses , etc . I feel like the maid . And I HATE being the maid . I don 't understand what is so difficult about picking up your socks when you take them off . Or heaven forbid you actually use the dishwasher instead of piling the dishes in the sink . And maybe wipe off the counter after you make yourself something to eat instead of leaving the crumbs around ? Would that seriously be too much to ask for ? ? ? ? While I 'm not the cleanest person , I do know how to use the dishwasher . And because my dog is a destructive demon , I have learned ( the hard way ) not to leave my stuff laying around . Just wait until he eats one of your $ 200 pair of shoes and see if you 'll leave your things lying around . I bet not . My dad is not all that bad in reality . Perhaps its the dog issues on top of the lack of cleaning up after yourself that have compiled together to make me really grumpy . But seriously . My future husband will know not to leave dirty dishes in the sink . Or else . . . . Today on blog every day in May , you get a sampling of some of my favorite posts . I love going back and reading my old posts . It reminds me of how much my life has changed and how much it has stayed the same . I still have some of the same problems , just 4 years later . And some things that seemed so huge back then are now just minor thoughts . This is an easy one because I have been having a majorly hard time with my dog the past few days . He has turned into a destructive little guy . Part One - He was neutered on Friday and was completely drugged up . I spent all of Friday afternoon and evening trying to make sure he didn 't fall down one of the 2 flights of stairs in my house . Being a parent is exhausting ! Part Two - Once the anesthesia wore off , he turned into a crazy , psycho dog . So far , he has chewed up 3 pairs of my shoes ( one of those being Coach brand shoes ) , a tank top , and a new shirt I had only worn one time . He also woke me up twice last night to go out ( both justified wakings but still ! ) This morning , I thought I was going to murder him . He just wouldn 't leave me alone . And tried to escape out of the house when I was leaving . If he wasn 't so cute , I might have just let him escape . He also has turned into Houdini and can get out of his crate . He has figured out how to collapse it and escape . This is a huge no - no in my house and I 'm not going to let it happen . I 'm zip tying / duck taping that thing together tonight . My mom said it 's preparing me to have patience for my future children . All I can say is my children better not ever eat my Coach flats or they will be sorry ! I 'm getting ready to go home a wage a war against my dog . I 've been preparing mentally all day . I 'm determined to win . This should be interesting . Wish me luck . . . On to today 's post - 5 of my favorite blogs to read . I 'm supposed to include 5 but I only have time to write about 3 so these are some that I read on a daily basis . Check them out ! This blog is amazing . Stephanie Nielsen is a mother , a mormon , and a blogger . In 2008 , she was in a horrible plane crash with her husband and was burned over 80 % of her body . But she survived . And lives in Utah with her 5 children ( one of which she had after her accident ) and her husband . Her blog is fun to read , she has good links to great products , and her message is always family first and forever , which I love . She also wrote a book about her life pre - crash , during the crash , and post - crash . It 's a true testament of Heavenly Father 's work . You should read it . It will make you cry and laugh all at the same time . This blog is written by another mother who is mormon . She has been through many trials in her life ( including divorce times 2 ) and her writing is very eloquent . She doesn 't blog all that often but I love to read her posts when she does . She 's also friends with someone I went to high school with so that 's how I found her blog . 3 . The Bloggess Jenny Lawson is a hysterical blogger . I was introduced to her through her book , Let 's Pretend this Never Happened , and I could not stop laughing . I read this book on my trip to LA in April and I 'm pretty sure the guy sitting next to me on the plane thought I had something wrong with me because I just kept laughing hysterically ( like practically crying ) throughout the flight . it got to the point where it was awkward but I could n 't help myself . Glad I don 't have to see him again . . . Day 18 of the challenge . I 'm cheating a little bit this weekend and scheduling my posts . I have a busy weekend taking care of my doggie child so I don 't want to get behind . Today 's post is to tell a story from my childhood . I have a ton of stories I could tell . I had a wonderful childhood thanks to my parents . My parents did everything they could to make my childhood as perfect as possible . Now I 'm not saying we were the perfect family because we aren 't . But I got to experience life and it was always an adventure . One story that I 'm particularly fond of was happened when I was pretty young , probably 6 or 7 . We owned ( and still have in our garage ) a 1972 yellow VW camper . It was my first car when I got my license . This thing is a beast . It basically has a lawnmower engine but it runs and runs . Except you have to keep track of the mileage because the gas gauge doesn 't work any more ( I speak from experience on this topic ) . We used to take this thing on vacation with us and camp in it . Now if you know me , I 'm not much of a camper at all . I try to be but the outdoors and I just don 't really like each other . So this camper was perfect when I was little . It popped up and I slept on the canopy thing in the popup part . Mom and Dad slept on the back seat that folded down . And the brother slept on a canopy that snapped into the front part of the car . ( See pictures below ) We took the camper to Florida one year to visit my grandma and go to Disney . We drove it all the way from Chicago to Florida and back . And didn 't break down . Once particular memory I have about this trip is on the way back , the weather was really cold . And the good old VW did not have AC or heat . So my dad pulled out the space blankets we had bought in Orlando at NASA and gave them to us to keep warm . We all spent the rest of the trip huddled under space blankets ( and those things actually work well ) . I 'm not sure why this memory sticks out to me . But I do remember that it was an awesome trip and I will never laugh at space blankets again . My dad has debated getting rid of the VW lately . Nobody drives it and it just sits in the garage . But if he ever does , a part of me will be sad . It was the root of many family vacations and also my first car . Even though it 's old and has no AC , it still holds a special place in my heart . These are from google but here 's what the VW looks like . And yes , our VW is that color yellow too . Posted by Since it 's my blog , I get to write about whatever I want . And since this blog is all about me , today 's prompt is perfect . Post a favorite picture of yourself . This picture was taken by someone that I no longer talk to . But it brings back good memories . And I think I look rather nice in the picture . Plus , it 's when I had long long hair . On another note , this weekend should be interesting . Clark was neutered this morning so it is all about Clark this weekend . I have a few things planned ( dinner with Boy Wonder on Sunday ! ) but I 'll just be paying all sorts of attention to my doggie child . He deserves it after having his manhood taken away : ) 7 : 30am - wake up and shower . This is what I came out to . They have some nerve sleeping on my bed . 9 : 00am - Breakfast of champions Halfway through the blog every day in May challenge ! And so far I 've been successful ( well , I scheduled some of the weekend posts but who 's counting ) . Today 's prompt is " A Day in the Life . " Since I was traveling home today , I didn 't get a chance to post about it so I 'll take care of that post tomorrow instead . But for today , you get a bunch of pictures from my San Antonio trip . It was a fun and crazy 4 days . I think I ate the entire city of San Antonio . And I am exhausted . Here are some pictures of my time in the city ! Going on dates ( well at least the good ones ) . I may complain a lot about the crazy people that I meet but at least I 'm meeting people . Plus , it 's fun getting to know new people . Being outdoors when it isn 't too hot . Like today - took a boat ride down the river walk , drank a beer , and just relaxed . Pure HEAVEN . Posted by I 'm in San Antonio this week for the National ADA Symposium . I 'm in sessions all day and then have been hanging out on the River Walk in the evenings . Even though I 'm working , it 's still fun to get away ! Today I spent some time at the Alamo ! And finished off the afternoon with a yummy snow cone ! Posted by First of all , Happy Mother 's Day to all the Mom 's out there . No matter what kind of mom you are ( momma to humans or animals ) , you deserve a huge pat on the back for putting up with all of us kids . We can be difficult sometimes ( never me but I do know some difficult kids ) . I wish I was spending it with my mom but instead , I 'm traveling to San Antonio for work . So my mom gets a delayed Mother 's Day this year . I did leave her a card and some chocolate covered strawberries in the fridge . And I also cleaned the house for her . So I guess that counts , right ? Anyways . . . moving on . Day 12 of Blog Every Day in May . The topic is " What do you miss ? " I 'm going to revert back to an old post that I did while I was in law school . I wrote this post in November of 2011 . I was one semester away from being done with law school . And I was a mess . Not only was I stressed about finals , I was having major boy drama , had ZERO dollars in my bank account , and was just overall miserable on this day . I look back at this post and think about how different and how similar my life was in comparison to today . Things are much improved these days . I 'm done with school so my stress level is way low , I have money ( not a lot but some ) , and the boy drama is over ( THANK GOODNESS ) . But I still miss the same thing that I did 1 1 / 2 years ago . I miss teaching . I miss the classroom . I miss the kids and all my fun teacher supplies . I miss the people I worked with . I miss the summers and holidays . I know I will probably never teach again but it was such a huge part of my life for 5 years that I miss it . Sometimes , I wish there were two of me . One that could do the teaching and one that could do the lawyering . Then life would be perfect ! Sometimes we come to life 's crossroads and we view what we think is the end . But God has a much wider vision and He knows that its only a bend - - The road will go on and get smoother . And after we 've stopped for a rest , the path that lies hidden beyond us is often the path that is best . So rest and relax and grow stronger , let go and let God share your load and have faith in a brighter tomorrow . You 've just come to a bend in the road .