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Here I am wearing the same outf t . You 'll notice the sweater si too big now , where before it was a bit sn g . Also , I 've lost a bit in my chest ar You guys . I managed to go on vacation , drink a couple glasses of wine , eat fries , and still did not gain weight ! I actually LOST weight ! I am down 57 lbs total . I am so proud of myself ! I worked out almost every day of the trip and made fairly good choices throughout the week . I only had one " cheat meal " , which was a fried shrimp sandwich on buttered bread and fries . I did have fries a couple times during other meals , but always ordered my fish grilled and usually swapped the fries for a veggie or baked potato . I 'd say the hardest part was snacking . It is so easy to chow down on snacks on the beach . I was careful , grabbing a handful of cashews here and there . Luckily I packed healthy snacks , so I usually went for those . Another thing ? I craved sweets MUCH more than I do at home . I wanted ice cream , candy , chocolate - anything ! But I only ate ice cream twice , and once was one of this mini Ben and Jerry 's . I am quite proud of how I did on this trip . But I do have to share something with you guys . At one point during the trip , I had a pretty rough night . It all started because I saw a picture of myself from the beach in my bathing suit . And I hated the way I looked . I was embarrassed and felt disgusting . I began to cry , and wondered if I would EVER like the way I look , if I will ever feel confident and appreciate my body . Luckily , My parents were there for the breakdown . And they assured me that I looked fine , that I need to remember how far I have come , and that I should be proud of myself . My mom joked that NO woman looks good in a bathing suit . And the very next day ? There was an article on Thought Catalog about how bathing suits are the worst article of clothing ever . I began to feel a little bit better . I know I will have those moments again . But I also know I can push past them . I can look at before and after pictures like the one above and see how far I have come . That is a real receipt from almost exactly a year ago . I purchased a hot dog and a peanut butter bash sundae from DQ . It wouldn 't be so bad if it was just a one time , indulgent snack . But that trip through the dairy queen drive through was a weekly , sometimes twice weekly , ordeal . If it wasn 't Dairy Queen , it was McDonald 's or Wendy 's or a snack from the work vending machine . And then I 'd come home and have a full dinner , usually paired with a couple glasses of wine . And then I 'd snack for the rest of the evening . That is so not me anymore . I am human and have temptations , but I can 't tell you the last time I swung through a drive thru just because I wanted a snack . My portion sizes are much smaller and my choices are healthier . Instead of constantly thinking about food and where I will get my next treat from , I am thinking about work or Tom or the gym . When it comes to food I think about the dinner I have waiting at home or which veggies I need to pick up from the store for my newest recipe . It has been almost a full year since I began this journey . I don 't have the exact date , but it was sometime in late May / early June . A lot changes in a year ! There 's a lot to say in this letter , little guy . I just spent a lot of time with you - 9 whole days in Florida . I learned a lot about you . And , I already miss you . It was amazing to spend so much time with you , to watch you play . It 's only been two days since I last saw you , and I already miss my buddy . Your first trip to Florida was a huge success . You LOVED the beach . You ran up and down the sand , splashed the water , played with bigger kids , and giggled as we each took turns building sandcastles with you and dipping your toes in the water . You also went in the pool with your mom and dad . It was thrilling to watch you with them . You trusted them as they dunked you under . The look on your face was priceless . You were in true bliss . We also watched you run around on the grass , playing baseball , blowing bubbles , etc . You were just SO happy , Ryan . So happy to be free and running around . You were so excited about everything , and watching you discover new things and places was just so much fun . I had a smile on my face every time we were together . The days were pretty much the same . We would play with you on the beach for a while , and then we would take you up for your lunch . We took turns sitting with you while you napped . When you woke up , we 'd either go back outside , or play in the condo until dinner . After dinner , we would head back to the condo until your bedtime . We would watch Elmo at your request ( you soon learned that Elmo would play on everyone 's phones ) , play hockey , read books , play with the bubbles until you were ready for night night . and then , you would give everyone a hug and a kiss goodnight . I had the distinct honor of riding home with you . A full two days in the car . I have to admit , at first , I was not looking forward to it . As much as I love spending time with you , I was worried you wouldn 't be a happy boy , and that the ride home wouldn 't be so fun for any of us . But you were GREAT , Ryan . Sure , you got a little cranky now and then , but all of us did . You just sat and watched your Elmo . When you weren 't watching Elmo , I tried to make you laugh by letting you play with my fingers , tossing a ball back and forth , or other silly little games . At one point , you were reading a Sesame Street book . You kept asking me " what 's that " and pointing at Big Bird . You couldn 't quite say Big Bird , so you started saying " baba " . But then you started calling ME baba ! I was in the bathroom at one of our stops and you pounded on the door , yelling baba . Another time , at dinner , I walked away from the table and your mom and dad told me that you started asking for baba . I 'm not sure if this will last , but since you can 't say my name yet , I will take it ! I helped you fall asleep in the car by rubbing your foot . It worked - fast . You were instantly asleep . Once you even slightly woke up , and stuck your foot in my hand so that I would begin rubbing it again . I guess we know what to do to make you sleep ! Ryan , this trip was amazing . I loved every moment we had with each other . I loved watching you giggle at Uncle Jonathon and Aunt Sara when they were acting silly with you . I loved how much you trusted your mom and dad , and how you frequently gave your mommy kisses . I loved how you called out for Papa whenever you saw Grandpa Carolin or Grandpa Gumbel . I love how you want to " cheers " when we have cups in front of us . I love how you posed for pictures , how you let each of us love on you . I love how happy you were , and how happy you made each of us . It was truly a gift for each of us to be able to spend time with one another and with you . Very often on social media , I see young teens , specifically girls , claiming that celebs and stars " saved their life " . I cringe a little when I read that . But , I do admit , I used to be one of those girls . I am 100 % confident that I have said those exact words on numerous occasions about songs , lyrics , singers , books . In fact , I probably said this somewhat recently . You won 't hear me say it anymore , though . I have realized the truth . I am not saying it 's impossible that these celebs / singers / youtubers / whoever have inspired you . Maybe they said or sang something that hit home or made you feel less lonely . But they did not save your life . You did that . Perhaps they gave you the push or the drive that you needed , but the saving was all on your own . We should not rely on anyone , famous or not famous , to fix us or to save us . When we do that , we put them on a pedestal , we begin to idolize them and think they can do no wrong . We think everything they do is an act of God , and that they are perfect . And then maybe they do something that lets us down , and our whole world crashes . YOU are the reason that you are still here . You are the reason you stopped self harming . You made the smart , and conscious decision , to begin to live your life in peace and to stop listening to those stupid voices in your head that try to tell you you 're not good enough . Kiddo , you are more than good enough . You are worthy of love . You are worthy of SELF love . If you have overcome depression , self harm , or suicidal thoughts , I give you a huge standing ovation . That is a major accomplishment . You should be proud , you have been so brave and fought hard . But please , don 't give a celebrity all of the credit . Recognize the strength in yourself , and give yourself a pat on the back . You did it . You are a life saver of your very precious life . Take care of it from now on . Be gentle . If you are stopping by from the A - Z challenge , please note that I have decided to quit the challenge . I know , I didn 't make it very far ! But with a vacation coming up in two days , I was strapped for time . I will be back next year ! So , good news : I have lost 54 lbs ! I had a little scare this weekend because I ate a few things I normally don 't : beer , bread , and fries . And , when I stepped on the scale Monday , it was higher than I 'd like . But it was obviously water weight / sodium , because after a day of drinking a ton of water and eating normally , I am back where I was . So , as most of you are aware , I leave Thursday for my big vacation . It 's my first big trip in two years and the first time my whole family has been together on a trip in 12 years . There 's a lot to celebrate . And there will be a lot of food . I packed workout clothes , which I never do on a vacation . I mean , it 's vacation . But the condo complex has a workout room , PLUS we will be right on the beach so I can go for long walks . I plan on working out / walking throughout the trip . Sidenote , found out there is a YMCA not too far form our condo , and I can use it for free with my Michigan membership , so I MAY even be able to sneak Zumba in on the trip ! Limit my snacking . Everyone loves to snack on vacation . Chips and drinks on the beach ? Yes please ! I will just have to be careful . We usually go to the grocery store once we arrive to buy some items for breakfast and lunch , so I will pick up healthy snacks for me that I know I can eat . Skinny pop popcorn is number one on that list . Limit my drinking . I rarely drink alcohol anymore anyways , but it 's always fun to have a margarita or a beer on vacation . I will limit it . Who wants to drink their calories away ? Order grilled fish instead of fried . When one is in Florida , one must eat seafood . It 's just a general rule of thumb . I checked the menus of some of our favorite places , and while a grilled fish dinner is delicious , it 's also expensive . My workaround ? Order a grilled fish sandwich , no bun . Boom . Since I also want to watch my spending , I think it will be relatively easy to be good on the diet . I don 't want to blow all my money , nor do I want to blow all my calories . I think I can figure out a good balance for me . On the long drive there and back , I pretty much know what I can eat at which fast food places , so I am not too worried about that . There is only one cheat meal I will allow myself to have , and that is a fried shrimp sandwich . Because it is THE BOMB and I cannot go to Florida without having one . I just have to figure out which restaurant has the best one so that I can choose wisely . Have you ever had someone take you under their wing ? I 'm sure you have . I 'm sure you all have . Maybe you were the " new kid " at school or work and someone went out of their way to help you get on your way . Or maybe you did something scary , like try out a new church or a new class and someone assisted you while you got settled . They introduced you to people , demonstrated how certain things work , invited you to lunch so that you wouldn 't feel alone . They gave you tips and advice and did everything they could to help you feel comfortable . Every single step of the way , God is guiding us , leading us , and protecting us . He is sending us the people we need , He is laying down the foundation for us to live the best life we can live . There is a certain trust that comes with this . Just as it does with those who mentor us in our daily lives , we must trust that God will continue to carry us , that He will not drop us , and if we start to fall we just need to hold on closer . Okay , so I 've never actually been to Ireland , but it still makes me pretty happy . Maybe it 's part of my imagination or maybe it is as wonderful as I assume it is . Hopefully one day I will find out . It is my dream vacation spot . Everyone says to travel young , before it gets " too late " , but those people haven 't seen my student loan statements . I can 't travel now . I hope that one day I can . Ireland will be the first place that I will go . I am about 90 % Irish , which is obviously a large part of the appeal to Ireland . I want to see my heritage , I want to LIVE and breathe my heritage . Another reason is the connection to the Sisters of Mercy , who founded my high school . I am still involved with the Sisters as an Associate . The Sisters began in Ireland when their founder , and one of my biggest role models , Catherine McAuley , opened a house on Baggot Street . I want to visit that house . I want to hug the Sisters over there and thank them . I want to share my story with them and hear their stories . When I think about one day stepping foot in Ireland , I feel a sense of peace . I want to see the gorgeous green and the historic churches . I want to hear the thick accents and the chit chat of the Irish people . I want to hold a Celtic cross in one hand and a shamrock in the other . I want to taste a Guinness and Fish and Chips in a local Irish pub . I love to hear others tell me their tales of traveling to Ireland . My sister studied abroad there for a semester in college . I wish I had done that . I got all the information , was ready to get the ball rolling , and then just . . . didn 't . It was at a weird time in my life , and I really regret not going . My parents went a few years ago and had the best time . Their dream came true , they got to watch Notre Dame play a football game in Ireland . I am so happy for them that they took the opportunity to go on that trip . One day I will be there I don 't care if I have to pay my way with pennies , I will be there . I will take it all in , and I know I will be smiling the whole time . Until then , I will keep dreaming . If you are stumbling on my blog from the A - Z Challenge , Welcome ! Today I am sharing some weight loss " How To 's " . I have lost 53 lbs since July and still have a ways to go . I have learned a lot along the way and hope to help someone who is struggling or stuck . When I talk about my weight loss journey . A lot of people say to me " I really need to get going , but I don 't know where to start " . Here is what I suggest : I strongly suggest meeting with a personal trainer , even for just one session . I know cost is an issue for most of us , but I think just one session is worth it . You will tell the trainer what you are looking to do and they will show you some exercises to do . Get on My Fitness Pal or Lose It or another app where you can track your calories and your workouts . This will help you to stay on track and also help you figure out how many calories you should be consuming each day . Begin to meal plan . Think about your week , and write down all the meals you will be eating , including snacks . Use that list and take it to the grocery store . Don 't buy anything else except the things on your list . Know and understand that " getting started " is one of the biggest steps you can take , and also should be one of the proudest moments of your life . Getting started to making a healthy lifestyle will be the best decision you 've made ! How To : Learn to eat healthy In all honesty , most of us know what 's healthy and what 's not . We know we probably shouldn 't grab McDonald 's breakfast or eat chips instead of fruits and veggies . But it 's HARD to stay healthy when there 's so much yummy food out there ! The thing is , though , once you start and commit to healthy eating , it gets easier . Eventually you won 't really crave the " bad things " anymore , and if you do it 's rare . However , there are things hidden in foods that we don 't really think about . Like sodium . Sodium is a nasty little booger . You don 't want to overdo it on sodium , it 's not good for your heart and causes bloating . So watch your sodium intake as much as possible . Example ? Most people think a healthy option at Subway is the oven roasted chicken sub . And yes , it 's delicious , and somewhat low in calories , but has over 1 , 000 mg in sodium ! Try , as much as possible , to avoid processed foods in general . Always go for fresh . Try to cook your dinners as much as possible and eat the leftovers for lunch . If that 's not easy , pack a healthy lunch . Tuna , grilled chicken and veggies , quinoia are all good options . I used to just buy lunch on the days I didn 't have leftovers , but recently have forced myself to try to pack a lunch as much as possible . Today ? I 've got tuna with just a tiny mayo , with chopped cucumbers , onions , and spinach leaves . I 'll probably throw in some skinny pop popcorn and an apple . When that 2 - 3 pm snack time craving hits , be prepared . This has been one of my biggest downfalls . I always forget about snacks ! Some good options are celery with peanut butter , carrots , low salt pretzels , a protein bar , or a banana . My biggest piece of advice ? Don 't buy it . If you know you will eat an entire package of Oreos if they are in your house , DON ' T BUY THEM . If you will regret that burrito later , don 't eat it . I don 't believe in full on restriction . Let yourself have treats once in a while , but also don 't sabotage yourself by filling your home with foods that will tempt you . Have lots of healthy options on hand . Water should be your best friend . There are so many positive health benefits of drinking water - and you need to be drinking enough ! Do the whole " 8 glasses " thing , but try to do even more than that . I aim for 10 - 12 glasses a day . Don 't like water ? Add lemon or cucumber and mint to it . Keep track of how much you are drinking during the day . How to : Lift Weights A lot of us , especially females , seem to be scared of weight lifting . Be not afraid , ladies ! Lifting weights is key in your weight loss journey . I do it twice a week . I 'm no expert so I am not sure if that is 100 % correct , but it seems to work for me . Lifting weights can seem intimidating , especially if you 've never done it . You should consult a trainer or a friend who knows what they are doing to teach you the moves . You don 't want to hurt yourself by doing it wrong . I mix up my weight training , too . I use dumbbells , resistance bands , and the weight machines . I also add in my squats / lunges and my ab work on my weight days . How to : Mix up your workouts I can 't think of anyone I know that actually enjoys walking on the treadmill . That 's why you need to change it up ! Do intervals , then do longer intervals . Shock your body ! One of my favorite things to do is 10 - 15 minutes on each cardio machine ( treadmill , stair climber , row , elliptical ) at very high , intense intervals . It is hard , but so worth it . AND keeps things exciting ! Also , try different classes . Zumba is my favorite , and it 's a good workout when you REALLY push yourself to keep up with the instructor . My endurance has built , so I don 't get as tired anymore . Each week I try harder to push myself and go faster . There are lots of other classes to try . Yoga and Pilates are low impact , but great for overall body toning . Kickboxing is high impact and burns a ton of calories . I like classes like Bootcamp and Cardio Sculpt because they work everything . Just try some - you may be surprised what you like ! In the moments you feel most proud , most energized and most motivated , pause . Capture that moment . Put it in your back pocket . And when you are feeling down and discouraged , take it out and remember . Remember how great it felt , and try to emulate that feeling . Make a list of all the things you have accomplished so far , and then a list of all the things you WANT to accomplish . Know that you can do this and that your life is a precious gift in which you need to take care of . Remember WHY you are doing this . Then get up and keep going . Glee is one of the very few shows in which I have seen every single episode . I don 't really get into TV shows . I don 't watch Walking Dead or Breaking Bad . I never watched Friends . I don 't HAVE to be home to watch a show , unless it 's Glee or Idol . Glee captured my heart from the Pilot episode . I adored the music , the characters , and the story . It is one of the most frustrating shows on television , with its plot inconsistencies and random introduction and disappearance of characters . But it 's still SO GOOD . Well , okay , this season has sucked , but I think all of us can agree that is largely in part due to our loss of Cory Montieth . The show is simply not the same without him . 10 . Sue and her sister / Sue and Becky . I love Sue 's sarcastic moments , too , but her sweet , lovely moments with her sister and with Becky tug at the heartstrings . 8 . Finn and Rachel . They aren 't my favorite couple , but even I have to admit there was something special there . Rachel 's ridiculous crush on Finn turned into a relationship , that had plenty of ups and downs along the way . The two were together in real life , making Cory 's death all that more difficult for the Glee cast . 7 . Brittany / Santana . The relationship between these two ladies was confusing and a little heart wrenching . You had Santana , the crazy mean girl , and Brittany , the not - so - smart dancer . They had a deep friendship that developed into something more . When they first got together , neither one really knew what they wanted . But as their relationship developed , their love deepened . One of my favorite Glee moments is when they sing " Songbird " . Santana 's face says it all . 6 . The school shooting episode . This episode aired with the " new kids " , along with a few of the regulars . It was at a point where I was ready to give up on Glee . I wasn 't feeling the new cast members and I was bored with the story lines . But then they go and do this , one of the most brilliant episodes of TV I have seen . The actors did a fantastic job . Kudos to them for making my heart beat faster than it ever has before . 5 . Kurt and his dad . The relationship between Kurt and Burt Hummel was one of the deepest and most intriguing relationships on the show . Burt was challenged with accepting his son 's homosexuality , and Kurt was dealing with coming out , bullying , boyfriends , etc . The two of them always share the best scenes together . 4 . Samcedes . I love Finchel and Klaine as much as the next person , but Samcedes is , hands down , my favorite couple . Sam was linked with lots of gals on Glee , but his relationship with Mercedes was truly special . It was a unique pairing , but it worked . Mercedes ' confidence matched with Sam 's humor and heart made me love them together . It looks like Glee is hinting they may get back together in these next few episodes , and that make me my heart pretty darn happy . 3 . Idina Menzel / Rachel 's Mom . How perfect was Idina on Glee ? So , so perfect . First of all , the resemblance between Lea Michelle and Idina is almost scary . Secondly , Idina 's Broadway voice and booming personality made her a perfect fit on the show . Her character disappeared after a while , but it was fun while it lasted . 2 . The love that Mr . Schu has for his students . Mr . Schu 's love and concern for his students is truly admirable . He sees this kids as his own . They frustrate him and annoy him but at the end of the day , all he wants to do is make them happy and protect them . 1 . The overall friendship , support , and love that comes from that Glee room . These kids really are a family . They love each other , they fight , they make up , they support , they compete . They are a special group of people who stand together and stand strong . All while spreading joy with their music : ) Fort Walton is not just a vacation destination . It 's not just some place in Florida . It is childhood . It is memories . It is family . This year , my entire family will be heading down there , together . My siblings , their spouses , and I went two years ago together , but I have not been with my parents since I was 16 . That 's 10 years overdue for a trip . And all of us haven 't been on a vacation together in over 10 years . This trip is needed , and it 's going to be amazing . Fort Walton is a place of love . It is where my parents first met . It is where my brother in law proposed to my sister . It is where my brother and sister in law took their honeymoon . It is where Laurence and I bonded , it is where friendships have been built . It is happiness . To my family , I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am to spend a week with you in our most special place . I love you all so much and to be together here will mean so much . Let 's all vow to let go of worries , to hold back from anger and fear and to just soak it up . Who knows when we will all be together again here . We should cherish it while we can . See you in 10 days , 17 hours , and 24 minutes . Empathy is the ability to recognize emtions and feelings that are being shown by someone else . As humans , we are pretty aware of our own hurt and sufferings . We know when we are down , when we are sad , and generally , we know why . It 's a bit tougher to be aware of how others are feeling . Empathy , my friends , is not that easy . I think , naturally , a lot of us have the attitude that " if it didn 't happen to me , why should I care ? " . You should care because one day , it could happen to you . You should care because you will need people to care about and for you , and to stand with you in your times of need . You should care because you were born with a working heart . It 's beating , right now , and that should be enough of a reminder that you are capable of making a difference , of helping someone , of spreading awareness . I have talked about this before , but I think we can all begin to possess empathy if we paid attention a little bit more . If we looked in the eyes of the people we interact with - whether it 's a coworker or a cashier at the grocery store . If we begin to notice their pain , their distress , perhaps we can all become a bit more empathetic . Why is empathy important ? Because we 're all out here just trying to survive . If we could show some empathy toward one another , we could make life a little happier and easier . We need to stand together , not against each other . I certainly believe in dreaming big . I love the idea of using our minds to imagine the best life possible for ourselves . I 've always been a dreamer . I think most of us are . We are built with so much wonder . I see that as a plus . I think we most often attest " dreams " to " jobs " , or " growing up " . These are great to have - when I was a little girl I dreamed of opening a bakery with my grandma , of becoming a zoologist with my best friend Maggie , and of becoming a Broadway star . In college and as a young adult , I dreamed of moving to Nashville and writing songs for famous musicians . But dreams aren 't limited to our income or our title . We can dream of a more peaceful world , of new inventions , of cures and miracles . I dream that there will be an end to violence , and that we find how to beat cancer so that it stops taking lives away . A few years ago , when I was still living with my parents , I had a " dream board " . On it were pictures of celebrities I wanted to meet , places I wanted to go , and things I wanted to accomplish . I no longer have it , but I wonder how different it would look now . I will tell that you my biggest dream is to write something that means something to people . Whether that is a song or a book , I just want to impact lives through my writing . The best part about our dreams is that they are just that - ours . Own your dream . Hold onto it . Cherish it , and nourish it . You can dream as big as you want to . Don 't be afraid to dream big . Don 't be afraid to act on your dreams . Even if you don 't quite make it , I can assure you that along the way , you will learn so much about yourself and who you are . So go on and dream , darlings . " We can dream , but God can take those dreams and go beyond what we can ask , think or even imagine . . . so dream big and let God do the rest " - Melinda Doolittle , American Idol Finalist Season 6 I did not fully understand the concept of " community " until I served a year of volunteer service through the Mercy Volunteer Corps . The application process kept mentioning the word " community " and I just kind of shrugged . assuming they meant " roommates " . But here 's the thing : It is very different . Examples ? Well , the most obvious for me goes back to that year of service . I was set to live with three total strangers and to live " in community " . What did this mean ? It meant we intentionally ate our meals together , had spirituality nights , went to Church together , and shared our experiences with one another . It didn 't mean the four of us were together every second of every day , but it did mean we made a point to make our time together meaningful . You don 't have to just " build community " with the people that you live with , though . At my previous job , I truly felt like we were a community . We intentionally ate lunch together every day and supported one another . At my new job , I can sense that my volunteer committees are a community . People keep asking me over and over if I am going to have a " 50 lbs " party . I was planning on it . I was going to invite family and close friends to have a dinner and celebrate . But when the 50 lbs finally hit , it just felt weird to send an e - mail out asking people to come celebrate me . So , to be honest , I really haven 't done anything to celebrate . Which I guess is kind of sad , considering how hard I worked , but I also don 't necessarily need a celebration . I know what I 've done . I think throughout this journey I have been most proud of my bravery and my willingness to try new things . I am not generally a person who likes to jump into new opportunities . I worry and stress about who will be there , if I will stand out , etc . When I used to belong to the Y in Auburn Hills a few years ago , I would pace back and forth outside the group exercise room , trying to force myself to go inside . Sometimes I went in , sometimes I got too scared . But this time has been different . I have tried Yoga , Zumba toning , Spinning , Kickboxing , Battle Ropes ( not a class , but I was the first at Sola to try them and demonstrated them for others ) , Pilates , and Bootcamp . Of all of these , bootcamp has been my favorite - you know , in a sort of sick and twisted way . It 's SO hard , and afterwards I wanted to curl up in my bed for hours , but it was such a feeling of accomplishment that it felt amazing . I was a little slower than everyone else and sweat more than I have in my entire life , but I did it . Ever since I started cooking , I have only repeated a recipe once or twice . I have tried new things with food , too ! And guess what ? IT ' S FUN ! The other day I stopped at JcPenney to get some T - shirts for Florida . And you guys - I bought a shirt outside of the plus size section - in the regular women 's section . I can 't tell you how happy that made me . It 's been a long time since I could do that . I almost cried . The sales associate helping me almost cried . It was one of those moments . A very special moment . I will not lie , though . I 'm tired . You 've heard me say this before in my WLW posts : this whole thing is exhausting . Today was actually a rest day from working out and I can feel my muscles aching a bit . It reminds me how hard this is , and how far I have come . But also , how far I have to go . And that makes me tired . But I will not give up ! I love you guys . Thanks for virtually celebrating with me . And maybe I 'll treat myself this weekend and have a beer or two to officially celebrate . Also , when I hit my goal weight , I really am going to throw a party , and I 'm not going to feel bad about it .

Two months ago when I wrote the post about the tender loving moment with Victoria , I allowed myself to become hopeful beyond expectation . Others warned me but I knew I could maintain it . I could . She couldn 't . This disappointment knows no words . It unfortunately manifested itself in anger . The ease in which I felt justified in my anger brought me back to the early days when we were both operating under massive amounts of rage . I was so sad I allowed myself to go back there so quickly and struggled to pull myself out of it . Anger is a secondary emotion that can be a result of both hurt and disappointment . While I cannot protect myself from the hurt and disappointment , I can protect myself from the anger that ensues . But it was so swift , it didn 't even feel like I had a choice . So after two months of regression and changes I once again find myself in the arms of a loving little girl . For five days now she has tried hard to obey and is being kind . This is unprecedented . For four years we beg , plead , encourage Victoria to do the right thing to allow herself to be happy . And then , one day , she just decides to . It catches me completely off guard . Instead of being excited , I am tentative . I am encouraging yet cautious . This skepticism protects me but hurts her . I am beating myself up . I still struggle to be gentle with myself . I know I will eventually come around and offer my heart to her . I do that tonight . It is again helpful , healing and pure . I will spare the specifics and leave it with this exchange . " I needed your birth mom to give you up so I could have you and you could help me . Heavenly Father had a plan for us . I needed you to help me as much as I am helping you . " I say . " Heavenly Father knew I was going to mean to you and he sent me here ? " she asks , " how can I help you if I am being mean ? " " You helped me become a better mom . " amongst so many other things , I think in my mind . " How ? " she asks . " Someday , I will explain it all to you . " I end . ( I 'm not so sure it was God 's idea to send her here to me . If you ever gePosted by I wish I had a tape recorder . Victoria often says the most profound things that should not be coming out of a seven year old mouth . But she has experienced emotional trauma beyond her years . I asked her if she ever wondered how Max knew how to help her ? " Yep , he took love lessons " , she says . Oh really ? Where would he learn those ? " From his mom . " She says like I should have already known . " That 's where everyone learns love lessons . " What she doesn 't know is that she has taught me more about love than most will ever feel or understand . This , from the same girl , that hasn 't had the ability to accept or show love for her entire life . This , from the same girl , that has broken my heart into pieces . Relentlessly . I think I am avoiding it . I don 't think I am letting her , until one day I see all the pieces lying around me . As I pick up each piece , it hurts all over again . I pick up the piece that feels like there is no progress ; I pick up the piece that reminds me how lonely it can be ; The piece that reminds me she doesn 't care ; I pick up the piece that reminds me I am not doing enough ; the piece that says I 'm not doing it right ; the piece that says we are not done yet ; the piece that says I 'm tired ; the piece that says I 'm making this take longer than it should ; the piece that says she still isn 't feeling all my efforts ; the piece that says someone else could do so much better . Then , after I 've picked them up , alone . I find myself somehow whole again . My whole heart reminds me that there has been progress . Inches when I want feet . That I do have help if I am willing to trust it ; That I have a sweet and special witness that she can feel and reciprocate my love . It says that I am doing what I can , when I can ; That my best is more than enough . It reminds me that I am in it for the long haul ; That says I know where to get more strength ; That says I cannot compare myself ; that says I keep giving for all the glimpses ; that assures me I have the only heart to heal hers . I struggle to stay consistent with myself , in the middle Jodi Breaking through the wall is intense , time consuming and slow . We are looking for that weakening in the fortress to have new , healing and helpful moments with her . They are rare and fleeting . Each day that passes I really do gain a better understanding of her and of me . I also understand that nothing will ever get any worse . I have felt as bad as it gets . Of that I am completely sure . What I don 't know is the feeling that it 's as good as it gets . I had a small , beautiful , healing , hopeful , personal and LOVING moment with her . We had just finished two hours of intense therapy . We are focusing a lot of attention on feeling mad . This is her most manifested emotion . Anger . We are talking about many things that could be the source of this anger . Towards the end of the session , the wall was weakening . We get into the car to go home and I always have to sit for few minutes to regain composure . The sessions can be draining . She continues to talk about her anger . I can see she is still " in the zone " and real feelings are being manifested . I bring her into the front seat , hold her in my arms and talk for 45 minutes . For the first time , heart to heart . I will not be specific here . I will be in my book . I cannot remember all the words that I spoke . I cannot remember all of her responses but of this I am completely sure ; it was divine , as real and pure as it gets . Just trying to think of the specific words feels like it would somehow diminish the experience . The revelation to her of the hurt and anger she has for her birth mom was freeing . She has lived her lifetime with this anger not knowing where it came from . Neither did I . She has taken it out on me for four years because she didn 't know how to get rid of it . And neither did I . Allowing herself to feel the hurt she has endured is more than a small heart should ever have to bear . For the first time since bringing her home , I felt fortunate to be her mother . I am seeing what it is in me that made me the only one that could do this for her . That could survive her . I don 't wanJodi Victoria is fairly predictable at this point . She is hard as nails when it comes to expressing her true emotions . She is so wired to say the right thing rather than the thing she is really feeling . It makes it very difficult to get to the heart of the matter . What is that anyway ? What is this fear that motivates and directs her every move ? Because she is so inconsistent and contradictory , it is hard to say , but this , four years later , is my best guess . A fear of being abandoned again is her biggest fear . The hurt that doesn 't answer questions about her birth mother ? Why her ? Why the orphanage ? Why she doesn 't have any baby pictures ? When is her birthmother coming back to get her ? What color of hair does she have ? How old is she ? How will she recognize her ? How will she find her ? A fear to trust . This would require her to give up control ; to be dependent . She would prefer death . She trusts me to feed her and take care of her but she does not trust that I will always love her and keep her and that I really know what is best for her . She is trying to wear me down , seeing how far she needs to push for me to give up on her . I am amazed at the intensity , still , four years later . A fear to feel . Right now , all of her feelings are a result of pure selfishness . The product of selfishness is the misery , the low self worth , the hopelessness , the defiance , the lack of remorse . Empathy and sacrifice feel different than anything she has felt before . It feels vulnerable , risky , hard and submissive . She is really not interested in any of that . She will not allow herself to feel any of that long enough to feel the good that comes from opening her heart to others . To me . It is hard trying to find creative ways to show her love that she cannot misinterpret or use as a substitute for the real thing . The love she requires takes time and very conscious effort . It cannot use many words , candy , food , toys , other people , favors . It needs to be intimate , directed and purposeful . It has to be done in such a way that she doesn 't feel like she Jodi Victoria 's obsession with relying on others to make her feel good always is frightening . This is the stuff addictions are made of . This isn 't a typical kids demand for being entertained . She wants to be having fun all the time and when she isn 't , she is angry . When she is angry , she begins to live in this dangerous fantasy land that wants to hold someone responsible for not providing constant attention . That would be mostly me . I knew her demands were insatiable but I thought there was a magic amount of attention that would suffice for her . I see now , there really isn 't . There is no balance to be had between negative and positive attention . She will take it all and all the time . Again , it is never enough . It was a long time coming to this place because I just couldn 't imagine , nor really understand , how demanding she really is . I felt it to be sure . It sucked all the energy out of me . This dangerous fantasy land conjures up all kinds of half - truths , total imagination and vindictiveness . Her view of reality is distorted by what she has lived and how she really wants to be living but a mind so abused by her past will not allow her to think clearly . For so long , I would think " How could she appear to be so smart yet be so completely senseless at times ? " I thought it was a trick . It really isn 't . Between trying to say the right thing and suppressing her true feelings she is caught in the abyss . Posted by I am not completely ready to take on her story in this blog . I have found a personal coach to help me begin writing my book where I can be more expressive and specific . But lately I have sat down and wrote a few posts about her as her behaviors begin to make more sense to me after years of fueling madness . I suppose at times along the way I have read bits of this somewhere or someone has told it to me but I guess I had to live it to learn it . Posted by As the sun arose , its light capped the snow covered peaks , while the shadow blanketed beneath . The icy blue sky fell behindand lent itself to a magnificent backdrop . Who would stop for a momentand watchas the sunlightinched down the mountainand see the shadow shrink away ? I don 't have time . I must make time . He has got me to notice , now I need to stay . There are too many good excusesto make me not pause . And bad ones , too . I listen . Quiet . I listen . Averting my thoughts . Still . Quiet . Even if I don 't hear a thing , I know I have reflected for a momentand took notice . I keep looking in good places for temporary comfort . It is fleeting and volatile . When will I stop pursuing this disappointment ? It only leads to discouragement and frustration . Where is that true Comforter ? The One that appreciates me for who I am and values what I can giveThe One that sustains me in peaceful reverencenot in impatient aggrivation . The One that doesn 't need specificsbecause He pays attention to the details . It is here that I will find enduring comfortand His answers always sufficient . If I would stop for a moment . Pause . Listen . Reflect . I will not only notice , I will recognize Him . And know that he is nearbyeven though I feel so distant . written january 2008 Posted by There is something hopeful about tomorrow , next week , next year . I feel it on most todays now when dealing with Victoria . Her anxiety , her hyper vigilance weighs on me and pulls my focus off . But it will get better . I just don 't know when . What I do know is that we are much closer than we have ever been . We are approaching the present now . I don 't know what that means for my posts . I have shared only a part of my story . I will be back on some tomorrow to share part of her 's . When I have that advantage of hindsight . This was just a glimpse . Maybe someday I can write the whole story while not living in part of it . Posted by I have been tentative about allowing comments on my post . This has never been about receiving sympathy . In the beginning months of therapy , my lament was , " I just wish I would have known this in the beginning when we brought her home . " However , despite the pain , especially the unexpected pain that came from good sources , I can never wish I had known . Far too many truths have been revealed and I am beginning to feel the warmth of the sun . This story is far from over but I am more hopeful than I have ever been and more prepared than I could have ever imagined . I am anxious for the day when Victoria will be able to relinquish the fear and allow the love and joy to flow freely from her heart . That she will be free from the weight of despair that has robbed her of a childhood that should have been full of innocence , light - heartedness and happiness . I know before that day arrives there will be more disappointment and impatience but I have loved this girl more than anyone despite what I could not do for her . This love brought her to this home . This love allowed her to stay . This love will mend her . This love will allow her to love others . Posted by When we first started therapy I was depleted . The insight and help Max provided in the first couple of months made such a significant difference in our lives . I wasn 't feeling confident in knowing what to do with Victoria based on my past history of complicating things . I hung onto to his every word . I had some preconceived notions about therapist . Lets just say they were pretty lofty . Max had some challenges that would not allow him to ever live up to these standards . I think it has to do with him being human or something . And that he had to deal with me . : ) I expected the rest of therapy to continue changing at that pace and with that understanding . That isn 't how it works . We now begin therapy again and I have a much better understanding and perspective on how this all works . No therapist has all the answers . They have their best guess based on past history . Sometimes it works , sometimes it doesn 't . But my greatest lesson learned concerning this : Is that I may know what is best for her . I am entirely confident in myself and my intent with her now . I feel like I can make suggestions . I feel like I can decide whether or not something will work . This is important . I live with her 24 / 7 . I have insight no one else has . And I trust myself now . It is amazing what happens when you have a heart in the right place . I did not know some of these things for sure , for a very long time . Max tried to tell me . I tried to believe him . It has taken me a while to get here . It helps me understand her and how to respond to her but it doesn 't make it any easier . Really in some ways it is more difficult . I finally had to get to a place where I believed that all of her behaviors were actually selfish tactics to get attention from me . But because she places such an enormous amount of importance on negative attention , it appears so deliberate to hurt me . But she is really too self absorbed to focus on what she can do to hurt me . She is deliberate and vindictive but only so far as to get a reaction for her warped sense of love . I have to think that the demand for negative attention stems not only from what she received most at the orphanage but also for so long that was the way to get the biggest reaction from me . We are in a place where we try to set her up for positive experiences so she can feel the good feelings , not be scared of them , and to prefer them . Right now , she has no interest in feeling good . She constantly sabotages the good experiences that could come into her life . She finds comfort and familiarity in the misery . I am here . I am stronger . I still have to allow her to take my love today , throw it away tonight and provide more in the morning . I am not a paper weight . I am the pin cushion taking all the jabs . It is painful but I am not hanging onto it . I understand her now . I feel sorry for her . I see it isn 't so much about disobeying me , as it is so hard to let go of the misery , even though it takes more effort for her to maintain the despair . So my heart hurts for the wrong choices but I am not hurt personally by the disobedience . Finally . She is starting to feel me . My sincerity . My consistency . My love . It is scaring her . She is raging more often but not every day . But I can see the progress in it . It is breaking down walls . S - l - o - w - l - y . Posted by Right before I stopped taking Victoria to therapy my heart was at war with what I knew I should be doing and not being able to do it . Especially showing her consistent affection . Just thinking back on it is a bit traumatizing to me . I felt like I could do it . But literally , when I saw " that face " you know , the one that everyone falls in love with so quickly , my heart would not allow me to do what my mind knew had to be done . I could not see beyond the face . I couldn 't see her heart . I knew that underneath it all is a little girl with so much love and happiness to give buried by fear but I couldn 't see it . I wasn 't allowing myself to . It never failed , for instance , on my worst days there would be a talk in Church on charity . I was a mess . I wanted this to be fixed . I wanted to be able to do what I thought I was capable of . I sent the same email to Max and my dad asking for help . I sent an email to Max because I knew I couldn 't be the first mom with this problem and I sent one to my Dad because I felt he knew what my heart was capable of . Max responded with suggestions that had worked for other mothers . I could pretend to see a baby , or one of my other children 's faces when I looked at her . I could imagine her as having cancer or some other disease because she really is sick on the inside although she looks perfectly fine on the outside . He also said that there was no magic trick that would fix it . That wasn 't going to work for me . Max would soon see a pattern forming here , what would work for most Mom 's , I complicated . My dad sent me back a treasured email . He reminded me of the charity I did indeed have and had since my youth . I couldn 't seem to find it at the moment but his confidence in me and the other precious truths in that letter was a comfort to me . Things didn 't change in that moment . I would imagine this is a significant stumbling block for many parents . And it is too personal to have anyone figure out for you . I have indeed gotten to place where I not only see her for who she really is underneath it allJodi I knew that my reactions to her were making everything more difficult than it ever should have been but I couldn 't make sense of her or me . I was looking from the inside out . I couldn 't see everything objectively . I didn 't know how I was going to fix myself but I know I needed someone who could see from the outside in . This was a problem . I don 't let people on the outside , in . This is a part that is so intensely personal . I want to share it , I don 't want to share it . I want everyone to understand it . There is no way I could even begin to explain it . I had to look to my past to make sense of my present . In this last General Conference , Elder Scott gave a moving and tender talk on abuse . I think this line that he quoted could be attributed to any deep emotional turmoil . " Healing may begin with a thoughtful Bishop or Stake Counselor or a wise professional counselor . . . but remember a true cure comes through the Savior . . . " I come through this part of my journey , reminded of the woman , you know the one , she felt weak , helpless , depleted , unsure and reached out with just enough faith to touch the hem of the Savior 's garment , " Daughter , be of good comfort , thy faith hath made thee whole . . . " I am whole now . I have more capacity to feel in my heart than I did before . Pieces of me that had been numb are now more intense . I need all of this for what will be required of me to eventually help Victoria become whole . But it will be easier , though still not easy this time , not only because my best is so much better but He is still making up the rest . There are many adoption stories that aren 't so complicated . I actually have one . Even though our journey with Victoria has been challenging , I did decide to expand our family again . It was spur of the moment . It required no background checks or paperwork . They weren 't concerned with how many kids we had or our parenting style . I traveled to South Jordan . And he can 't talk : ) And he has been so good for my mental health . His ancestors originated in Cuba but he has an Irish name . Meet my 6 month old Havanese , Finnegan . Posted by I thought that freeing my heart from all the resentment would be enough . I knew I was in a far better place now but I was still allowing things she did to hurt me . And I felt an enormous amount of pressure to initiate and form trust with her so I could be the person she would bond to . I just told Max , " tell me what to do and I will do it . " I could provide the affection now but I was literally just going through the motions . And it was working . For her . But I couldn 't maintain it . The most painful part for me was in the evening . I would take her defiance all day long . I compare it to water torture . The kind where they strap you down and a drop of water lands on your forehead every few seconds . It 's only water right ? But it is tormenting . That is exactly what her " insignificant " behaviors felt like , all day long . And then , I would need to go in her room in the evening to cuddle with her , feed her a piece of chocolate and act unaffected by it all . The smile that would greet me screamed conditional . Yet , I could not be . I had to begin with a clean slate each day no matter what happened the day before . A lesson in forgiveness nearly every day . We went to therapy every Tuesday . On about Sunday , the stress would kick in and I would want to cancel . I knew this is what she needed , the only way she was going to get better , so I would go , never canceling , knowing that I couldn 't even manage to do what was required of me the week before . The previous three years and the demands of the present had left me in pieces . I finally realized , I could not do anything until I was whole . I couldn 't pretend any longer until it became real . It wasn 't working for me . It was scary for me to stop therapy . I was worried about her , me , the support , but it was worth it just to free myself of the stress that I encountered every week going into that office . So nearly six months after starting therapy , we stopped . We know that Christ was sent here , and willing , to do the will of His Father . We also know that His Father 's will is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of each of us and all men . Everything Jesus Christ did on earth was to help us in this life that we may return to our Heavenly Father . Neal A Maxwell says , " Any serious disciple yearns to go home to Heavenly Father and be welcomed there by Jesus . " But the Prophet Joseph Smith declared , " We cannot go where they are unless we become more like them . " To become more like them we must accept the Lord 's individual and personal invitation to " come follow me . " Why is this so important ? In John 14 : 16 the Lord declares , " I am the way , the truth and the life no man cometh to the Father but by me . " If our exaltation is dependent upon following Jesus then it is imperative that we know Him . " Learn of me and listen to my words , walk in the meekness of my Spirit and you shall have peace in me . " As we study the brief time that Christ walked upon the earth we not only find the path we must trod but we also find a unique empathy and a perfect mercy that will help us on our way . As I thought about how studying and learning about the life of Jesus Christ helps us today , I knew this topic was no coincidence . I knew that as much as I 'd like to give examples of how others had been helped , I know no story better than my own . As we come unto Him , and find ourselves being perfected in Him , we find that this journey can often seem slow and difficult . But as Neal A Maxwell reminds us , " Be assured God is in the details and in the subtleties of the defining and preparatory moments of discipleship . He will reassure you . He will remind you . Sometimes if you are like me , he will brace or reprove you in a highly personal process not understood or appreciated by those outside the context . " This highly personal process is one that Alma refers to as a mighty change of heart . And this is not a one time occurrence . It will happen throughout our lives and often the changes that leave an inPosted by I can talk all day about the matter - of - fact stuff . Consequences , behaviors , therapeutic approaches . But now we get to the intensely personal part of the story . I should be hesitant to share this but I 'm not . I am not even close to perfect . And this journey just confirms that for me . This is my struggle . Everyone has one . Mine is personal , specific only to me in how I dealt with it . But what I want to accomplish here , especially for other RAD moms , is the comfort in knowing that someone is dealing with the exact same struggle although it is too personal for someone else to figure out for you . There is not a one size fits all fix for the emotional challenges that these children present to parents , especially mothers . I just couldn 't provide the physical affection required of me . I didn 't even want to sit down and read her a book . Thankfully Jay was able to do all the things I couldn 't do , until I could do them . But it felt like never . My heart had become so bitter and resentful . Even with the knowledge I had now , that all her acts against me weren 't so much to hurt me as reactions to a broken and sick child , I couldn 't seem to let it go . This torment that I felt from not being able to do what was required of me was second only to the anguish I feel about how I treated her especially during the first year and half in our home . Simply not knowing what was going on is not a good enough excuse for me . I am working on accepting forgiveness for my actions . I explain my journey to forgiveness in a talk I was asked to give shortly after coming through all of this . I don 't mention Victoria by name and I imagine most in the congregation had no idea I was speaking of my own daughter . I know that each of us have our own way of dealing with difficulties in our lives and for me , it required a spiritual change . Posted by There are a series of steps that we work with Victoria to initiate bonding . On her part , it consists of respect , understanding , obedience , empathy , sacrifice . Every week we try different approaches to help her learn these and other important characteristics . We work on one until she has it and move on from easiest to most difficult , being sacrifice . We are not there yet . I work with her on recognizing and labeling her emotions . These are the things that are required of her . The logical part , everything we initiated to turn the control back over to me , happened very quickly . I was ready for it . Jay and I were actually doing some of them already . She was working on doing what was required of her . Now , what would be required of me ? The bonding figure ? I had no idea what was going to be required of me would stretch me beyond anything I had done the previous three years or in my entire life for that matter . To form trust I had to provide her unconditional affection , something she has never had in her life . But I was still reeling from the previous three years . I was still far away from really understanding her . I was still taking all of her behaviors so personally . I didn 't know how to stop it . My mind wanted to make sense of it but my heart was clearly lagging behind . How was I going to do this ? Max would make " simple " requests of me to show her affection and I simply told him I couldn 't do it . I was being asked to do those very same things I did so carefully and deliberately in the beginning . The thought of doing so many similar things again nearly had me paralyzed with fear . This is my part of the story I never read anywhere . Posted by Going to therapy and working with these kids is not a one - size - fits - all approach . It is trying many different approaches . Some work , some don 't . Consequences are huge for anyone but especially these children that do not think about the results of their choices . I try to use natural consequences but it isn 't always possible . What was suggested in therapy for these kids when they don 't obey is to first give them a physical exercise . Jumping jacks , running around the house , sit ups , whatever . If they don 't do the exercise , they then have to do a chore . A repetitive , mindless , chore that doesn 't require constant supervision and can take as long as they want . We use pulling weeds , shoveling , moving a rock pile or sweeping out the garage , amongst others . If they choose not to do the chore , they go and sit in their room until they decide to do the chore . When that is finished , they must also complete the physical exercise . Victoria never really gets to the room stage because I always have her do something that she can do as fast or slow as she wants . She can finish in 15 minutes when she is compliant but she has been known to take three hours . This was very interesting when we started this because it took away so much control and it was very frightening to her . And the way these kids manifest their fear , is often through anger . She would usually not even try to do the physical exercise or mess with with me and we would go to the chore . I can remember days ( and there still are occasional ones ) where she would yell a blood curdling scream forever . If pulling weeds she would just sit in the dirt , cover herself with it , pee on herself , and sit there for hours . Some days she would pull on her clothes , her skin , her hair in such a rage . She has absolutely no control over me . She was at my mercy and it was terrifying . But she would eventually finish . In the beginning it was so exhausting trying to be consistent and outlast the rage . And trying to ignore all the negative behavior that was clamoring for attention . This was demaJodi If I just would have had this knowledge in the beginning , it would have made her life and mine much easier . These are things I needed to know . When we implemented the following rules , our lives changed completely . I now felt in control and she welcomed the consistency . First , she could not talk in the car . This was brilliant . It relieved an enormous amount of stress from me . If she did , she put one hand over her mouth . If she tried again , it was both hands . If she still insisted , she put her head in her lap . We rarely get beyond the first hand . There are times when she is relentless in the car but they are few . She has a mat that is her playground . She has three activities she can do : Legos , read a book , or color . This is a LIFESAVER . This alleviated me having to entertain her , wonder where she was or what she was doing . For her , it allowed her to focus , not have to worry about making decisions and she was reaping the benefits of being compliant . I could also sense , instantly , she felt safe knowing she had a place to go . I know she welcomed the structure because she rarely leaves the mat or talks which both result in playtime being over . As she maintains compliance , I expand her playthings . Eventually , I will give her the choice of what to play with and also , expand her play area to a room . I don 't know if this process sounds logical to you , but for most people that came to our home it seemed cruel and unusual . Unusual , yes . There is no way my other seven year old would stay on the mat . Cruel , absolutely not . But I think , with reason , it makes guest feel uncomfortable when they don 't have the reasoning behind it . Because on that mat , playing quietly and smiling she does " appear " to be a perfect child . The best analogy I have is she is like a plastic flower . She is quiet , doesn 't move and looks perfect . But sadly , that is all there is . There isn 't a lot of emotion underneath it all . Yet . She cannot ask for anything . I decide what she will eat and how much . I get her up in the morning and chose what she will wear . Jodi The first thing we do upon arriving back to the United States , next to having our teeth cleaned , is finding help for Victoria . I go to a website I recall my mom telling me about that deals with RAD . Attachment . org . Here I find a list of therapist in Utah and choose the closest one in Orem . Even after all I have dealt with , I still have reservations about calling . Is there really a problem ? What if it is really me ? But I also know we cannot go on living this way . I call Max . I briefly explain my crisis and he responds by saying this is his speciality . I am a very cautious hopeful . We meet in his office a week later . Within ten minutes I know this man knows exactly what he is doing . The way he interacts with her , how he can call her bluff and confirming numerous behaviors related to attachment disorders . I am relieved . The first and most important thing that Max required was that I , as the mother , the bonding figure , and the target of most of her aggression , take care of myself . It was imperative that I did things for myself on a daily , weekly and monthly basis . You cannot help another if you are drained physically , emotionally , or spiritually . This is such a natural law but I think as mothers , we do not live by . I think it is because we don 't understand the significance , do not have the support or sadly , feel guilty . So while caring for myself is such a priority for me , the only challenge I have now is maintaining a balance . Filling my lamp takes more time and conscious effort than reading a novel or playing tennis . Posted by So now we have learned that because she lived her first four years in three different orphanages with multiple caregivers she did not learn to develop healthy attachments to people . She did not have the consistency of having her needs met . She could not trust others around her to take care of her . She did not experience unconditional love and the security that as parents we provide so naturally . We don 't think about our baby 's brain development when we are holding them close , stroking their cheek , gazing into their eyes , responding to their cries or constantly smiling at them . These are natural reactions that are helping these babies trust , love and feel secure . These seemingly insignificant actions are critical in the first three years of life . Without this foundation , children will create their own survival techniques to feel safe . They begin to see that they cannot depend or trust others around them to meet their needs . They must protect themselves . The love in their lives is either non existent or inconsistent . To survive with any amount of security the become very selfish and demanding . The learn to only trust themselves and refuse to relinquish control . They learn love hurts . Their brains are actually wired reflecting these survival mechanisms . It no longer becomes a conscious choice between right and wrong . There is no conscience . It is survival . Posted by I still cannot make sense of most of Victoria 's behaviors but I really think I am the best person at figuring out a few of them . I don 't feel entirely confident trying to explain Reactive Attachment Disorder ( RAD ) but I will make a few comments knowing that I am unintentionally leaving out important components . From what I understand , RAD is a fairly new diagnosis , and very controversial . There are some basic attributes that most children have but the way they manifest it can vary to the extremes . The best book I can recommend is by Nancy Thomas , " When Love is Not Enough " but I also know from interaction with family , friends and teachers the concept may seem understandable but the " reactive " part , how kids react to it , is often lost on most . It stands to reason that children from orphanages would suffer from this disorder but any child that has significant disruption in the first three years of life is at risk . This would explain why Victoria 's ability to understand love and her cause and effect thinking is so under - developed . It is the basic trust cycle that develops as infants . As babies we cry to let others know there is a need . Usually promptly , that need is met by feeding , changing diapers , holding , or just simply providing relief . In a healthy relationship , this cycle is consistent and from this trust forms bonds that we associate as love . I can 't know exactly what happened in her first four years of life but I do know it wasn 't consistent . How could it be ? She had multiple caregivers . Even with the best caregiver to child ratio in an orphanage , there is no way there would be enough time or enough of anything . Which explains why nothing is ever enough for her . And why she is so angry . It also completely explains why she didn 't trust me and how all my intense acts of love in the first year and half were actually more frightening for her than helpful . But I took it so personally because I didn 't understand why she was sabotaging all my efforts so willingly . She really wasn 't . It was reacting . And eventually so Jodi I am feeling a bit dramatic in my post but I don 't know what to say , it was dramatic . It still is at times . While in Ireland , things began to manifest themselves and give support to my feelings . I knew that the only true consistent emotion that I had ever seen from Victoria was the one she showed the most : anger . I knew she was angry . I also knew is was stemming from fear but I didn 't know what to do about it . I think I can count on one hand when I think Victoria has really opened up to me and not been scared of the consequences . Even if there wasn 't any . One of those nights ( and they were all at night ) was in Ireland . I knew she was intimidated by me and didn 't fully trust me . Why would she ? Yet , one night as I talked to her , I brought out a purple elephant and began to talk to it . I pretended the elephant was Victoria and she answered for it . Things began to finally make some sense when she told me how she often thought about destroying her room , ripping up my clothes , and breaking everything . She told me she hated everyone in the family . I was so relieved . You must understand why . I have felt this from her but nothing she ever says indicates it . I had no idea these feelings and others were even capable in a tiny child . I also knew that our thoughts become our actions so it was no surprise that her destructive behaviors were predicated upon a very destructive thought process . But I still didn 't have the knowledge how this was all related to attachment disorders . I still felt like she had a choice and always chose the wrong one . Intentionally . One other instance that validated my feelings was while we were visiting friends . She came up to me on the couch and was being affectionate . This was very unusual at this point . When we got into the car I asked her what that was all about as she doesn 't normally do that . She replied , " I wanted them to think I was nice to you . " For over three long years , wrong or right , justified or not , I took every look , every insincere hug , every intentional and manipulative behavior perJodi We didn 't make any huge strides in helping her but we did have enough things working that we could at least deal with her day to day . They were just coping mechanisms on our part and I knew that . I knew what we were doing wasn 't going to help her get any better . It was just allowing us ( me ) to function at some other level than crazy . I knew that to keep her in check , I couldn 't allow her to make any decisions . ( I 'll stop and explain why as I go along but most of this was lost on me then . ) This just stands to reason . She spent her first formable years in an orphanage where she was told what to do every single moment of the day . She had no opportunities to make choices , suffer consequences or learn from her mistakes in a healthy environment . So she comes into our home and suddenly can decide everything for herself ? There is no way . It must have been so overwhelming , never mind , all the other things she had to deal with initially . It was best if she didn 't play with the other children . She was vindictive and controlling . Not always but usually so I just didn 't put her or the other kids in that position anymore . And kids anywhere could pick up on this in minutes . Adults ? totally clueless . I could not leave her alone . I dealt with her best when she was in the same room with me doing absolutely nothing . She could not / would not entertain herself . I knew this wasn 't doing her any good but it helped me maintain my sanity and most importantly , she had no control over me . As time went on , my coping mechanisms became similar to hers . I treated her with indifference . This saved me from hurt , heartache and disappointment . But , living with these feelings for so long made it very difficult for me to come back to a place where I could show her any type of affection . I spent so much time being impatient and mean to her . I never wanted to give her anything . She made it very difficult for me and I struggled with this . It would literally tear me up inside . I didn 't know what was going on . I hated my reactions to her . This wasn 't who IJodi Everything is bypassing my heart at this point . I can be more specific now but nothing was clear to me then . Victoria never developed the foundation needed to form secure attachments . That was the simple part for me to understand . The more complex part , that is only really beginning to make sense to me in the last few months , is that she has no concept of love . All of the time , energy , tears , and pain , I spent showing love to Victoria is processed in her mind the exact same way " attention " is from complete strangers . My sacrifices didn 't mean any more to her than the sticker she would get from the cashier at the grocery store . While in Ireland my mind couldn 't make sense of this but my heart did and I was taking it all personally . It had worn me down . I had no more to offer her . What was recommended in Carolyn Archer 's book sounded completely logical to me but my heart wanted no part of it . Essentially you go back to babyhood and reconstruct time and activities that she missed out on . I started to do it . But I just couldn 't . I could sense that it wasn 't serving the right purpose . I felt like Victoria just could not process and make sense of my actions to " rewire " her brain . It felt like she was sucking the life out of me . The best analogy I have is that I was pouring love into a soul full of holes and everything I would do , everything I had done , just wasn 't enough . Things weren 't just bypassing my heart . It was feeling numb . Posted by At times when I would post my travel blogs that you see here , I would feel that fraudulent feeling again . There is no doubt that we had an incredible time spending a year traveling Europe . We were able make memories and strengthen relationships that will continue to manifest throughout our lifetime . But there was one relationship that was still suffering and now regressing and none of my post would indicate it . There were MANY things I did not know . But this year in Ireland I was able to begin to catch glimpses of what was going on however nothing here was going to tell me how to deal with it . I began reading books again on attachment disorders . And while I found some of Victoria 's behaviors in them , they are broad and were not addressing her passive aggressive nature . They certainly weren 't giving me any ideas on how to deal with her . She continued to seek attention any way that she could , usually through bad behavior . We spent hours trying to talk to her . Jay and I would go through periods where we really felt like we got through to her but be in the same place or two steps back the next day . Talking to these kids does nothing for the problem . In fact , it probably encourages it . We spent so much time trying to " make " her feel responsible and sorry for her actions . She then would respond with the right words but her actions were the complete opposite . Her sincerity became a sword . These kids are never sorry enough . Never happy enough . Never full enough . Never anything enough . And it is terribly , terribly sad . I was beginning to understand that fear was the motivating factor for most of her behaviors but I didn 't know how to calm those fears . I had tried the best way I knew how the first year she arrived . By now , our inconsistency , was fueling the fear . We were able to meet a supportive source from the international adoption community while in Dublin for a conference . We met with Carolyn Archer for about 30 minutes and it was so refreshing to meet someone who really understood what we were talking about . She made Jodi We are functioning on auto pilot at this point . I really feel like the Lord was giving us just enough to get by . I know now I had a lot of lessons to learn at her expense and mine . There are some things I could have done differently to make our lives easier . That is hindsight . You must be asking yourself where is Jay in all of this ? He is doing what men do best and I envy : compartmentalizing . But he is also traveling 2 weeks out the month . I was her target and I am female so I am reacting emotionally . He recognizes this and would come through with his nearly flawless patience . Provide me relief from her whenever he could and be a soundboard and support . These crisis on the very things that can make or break families . He clearly had the strength and I was hanging on a sliver of hope . My saving grace , on my most difficult days , was the complete assurance I had that she was where was suppose to be . I felt helpless to be sure and every other synonym but I was never hopeless . I had just enough faith to know someone , somewhere had the answers we needed . But for now , we were off to Europe . Posted by Finally , you say . If it were only that simple . For about a year I was trying to understand this girl and my reactions to her . Nothing was making any sense . She appeared happy . She was affectionate . She was friendly . But it felt empty . But all I had were my feelings to justify my thoughts . Those are not easily transferred into words . She was sneaking water . She was " accidentally " breaking things . She was constantly lying . She was rocking . What part of any of this sounds so devastating ? I see now when I talked to our social worker I wasn 't specific enough . I didn 't realize it then . And also , when it came to discussing her behaviors with professionals I had a tendency to down play them . I could speculate as to why but it didn 't help matters any . Our social worker was not helpful . I then talked to our pediatrician . He gave me a referral of a prominent child phsychologist in the area but he had a six month waiting list . I didn 't have six months . I didn 't really have six hours at this point . His office gave me a referral to a child 's mental health facility . The doctor there was no longer practicing but set up an appointment with one of their licensed social workers . I was apprehensive really . I kept thinking that somehow what was wrong with this relationship was mostly me at this point . I meet with this social worker three times before Jay comes with me . During those visits she never once talked with Victoria and was so endearing to her . She gave her toys and candy . Victoria was eating up all the attention . I knew I was in trouble when she just kept telling me , " You just have to remember where she has come from . " Remembering that she spent nearly four years in an orphanage did nothing to help me . What I needed were answers to my reactions and how to deal with her . The last visit I took Jay and she pulled a book off the shelf , began to thumb through it throwing ideas at us and finally giving us the website in the back of the book . Jay felt like we were there for counseling and could clearly see that she didn 't know whatJodi I must say that we tried loads of positive reinforcement . She just relished in the attention but did nothing to change behaviors . One thing I wish I had known , is that these kids do not respond to typical punishments . The only punishment that even begun to work was physical exercise . Jay came up with doing steps . I was initially opposed to it . It seemed cruel . But it worked . Except when it didn 't , we had no back up . At this point , I know people were looking at us suspect . I cringed when I would hear her ask for drinks at Church or friends houses . I knew she was doing it for the attention and because she knew it was a source of contention between us . She has this way of asking and then glancing at me with a coy smile . She uses this often in different circumstances . When I told others not to give her drinks , or ask them to withhold anything from her , I know they are thinking I am being unfair . I didn 't even think that her physical affection towards me might be insincere but again I felt it . I was feeling like she was only doing it to get more affection from me . I was becoming conditional and I knew it was obvious to those around me . I hated to see her crawl up on people 's lap or demand their physical attention because I knew it was entirely selfish and so unsuspecting to them . And frankly , it hurt that others could provide so easily that which as the mother , I was now struggling to . I must be truthful here and tell you I felt entirely taken advantage of but I fought it nearly to the death because she was so small . How could I allow a six year old to victimize me ? I have had to reflect on my past for that one but I tell you I still struggle with it . I wish I could be more specific but I know that on the outside my behaviors and reactions towards her seemed harsh and undeserving . And some of them were . Posted by I should let you know that I am only able to share my story because we ( I ) have made a significant amount of progress . I am still tentative that it will be lost on most . But I hope someone will find something comforting ( the comforting part is still quite a few posts away ) and of worth . The title of this post is still a little painful for me . So we clearly have a child that is operating on selfishness , manipulation , without conscience or cause and effect thinking . It wasn 't that specific to me . I didn 't understand the extent of the damage she had endured or that she could even be so calculated . What I did know is for all the wrong decisions and bad behaviors there needed to be consequences . So I draw on my limited discipline knowledge that I used for three very obedient boys . We begin with timeout . I could put her in the corner where she would just spit on the walls or pee on the floor . She spent a significant amount of time in her room although I knew it wasn 't serving any productive purpose . I could not withhold things from her because she didn 't value anything . Although she clearly acted like the very thing we were taking away from her was life itself . But it was so superficial as time would tell . As were most of her emotions . We would try to bribe her but she would sabotage it . Nothing I was doing was working . I was operating on very high levels of anxiety and finally succumb to spanking . This was scary for a number of reasons . I didn 't like it . I felt out of control . She seemed to prefer it to a timeout . And it was the only thing that would get her to be compliant . But only for a moment . I then would feel terribly about how strict we were being with her and convince myself she needed more love . It was a destructive , emotionally draining cycle that this clever little girl recognized . She knew if she pushed hard enough she would get an enormous amount of negative attention and confidently knew would be followed by an enormous amount of positive attention and love . She knew exactly what to do to get the most reaJodi Thought I would post some funny things the boys have said over the years : Cameron singing me a Row , row , row your boat : " Row , row , row your boat gently down the drainMerrily , Merrily quite contrary how doesyou garden grow ? " I had been searching for a notebook for three weeks and finally decided to say a little prayer . After I finished I went downstairs , straight to the closet and the box it was in . I knew this would be a great opportunity to teach Cameron about Heavenly Father answering prayers . Only half - interested he looked up and said , " You got your wish ! " When Noah was 3 , he ran into my bedroom to watch TV . As I came in he was lying on my pillow , smiling so big saying , " Mommy , I got your parking spot ! " Apparently I spent a lot of time there : ) One Christmas Noah was very introspective . I asked what he wanted for Christmas . He thought for a moment and said , " Everything I don 't already have . " While looking through a toy catalog he asked , " Can Santa hear us from here ? " I said , " No . " And he replied , " Maybe we should talk louder . " One night putting Noah to bed he was holding on to his arm in pain and said in a suffering voice , " My arm hurts , I think it 's losing weight . " Noah came walking out of the bathroom and I heard him say , " Simon says . . . " He then looked at me and said , " What does Simon say ? " I explained the game to him and said , " Simon says put your finger in your ear " then " Simon says put your other finger in your ear . " I then said , " Take them out " and Noah said , " What ? I can 't hear you ? " Last one : One day Noah and I were riding in the car . It was very quiet and he said , " Jesus is talking to me . " I said , " Oh , really ? What is he saying ? " Noah said , " Well , he is really talking to Daddy . He says to keep both hands on the steering wheel . " The next night I was sitting by him and I said , " Is Jesus talking to you ? " He looked at me like I was crazy and said , " No , that was yesterday and there was a light . " I think Jay drove a little safer for a while Posted by I felt inadequate . Conditional . Unfair . Angry . Misunderstood . We were treating her so differently from the boys and I didn 't like it but she was so different . But again unless you lived with her you couldn 't see it . So I felt an enormous amount of guilt from those on the outside looking in . I had virtually no patience with her and found myself yelling at the kids . And for me this was so disappointing because it meant I felt out of control . There were a few things I would do better as a parent than I had growing up and this was one of them . But I wasn 't doing better . I see now I was very hard on myself . I was taking the blame for so many of her actions . I clearly needed help . But I have discovered on this journey that I don 't like to ask for help and I don 't want to appear needy . That I gladly report is changing . So for far too long I felt like the source of the problem . Nobody would believe that this small girl could cause so much torment . I could hardly believe it myself . The dynamics of the family were changing . The spirit in the house was contentious . I was experiencing anxiety attacks ( I recognize that now ) . And I had no outlet . And all the while , I tried to put on my best face . I felt fraudulent . I was becoming and doing things that I told myself I would never do as a parent . It was causing the trauma I was feeling from her to be more intense that it ever should have been . These feelings , at varying degrees , lasted for nearly 2 years . I can tell you that while I couldn 't make sense of her behaviors , something felt terribly wrong . As I shared these and other behaviors with friends and family I always got the same response . Lying , sneaking ? " Oh my kid does that ' . Talking and wetting the bed ? ' That is a girl thing . ' And even , " You finally got a difficult child . " A favorite was " Well , if she was in the orphanage 4 years , you need to give her 4 years to adjust . " These were all statements from certainly well - intentioned , caring people that did nothing for my mental health . Never once did I hear something that could possibly explain the lack of feelings I had for this child . This was scary for a mother , whose natural instincts are to be so nurturing . Those natural tendencies were running for the nearest exit . The stress and anxiousness I felt from her demands and my lack of understand were beginning to push me to the edge of sanity . It was only magnified by her behavior outside of the house . If you did not live with this girl , this is what you saw : beautiful , happy , always smiling , sweet , charming , extremely smart . If you lived with this girl , this is what you saw : fear , anger , vengence , manipulation , misery , extremely smart . I have learned that it is nearly impossible to convince someone that has not spent at least a week with her , the intensity of this destructive behavior . Most just cannot see past the face . And she saves her best behavior for everyone else . So I can 't and don 't expect much understanding from others . I knew others just felt like I had a strong - willed , difficult child but it felt so much more complicated than that . I was starting to convince myself that the problem was me . I guess I can admit that the glasses I was looking through were a wee bit rosy . There are a myriad of reasons that people choose to adopt . A universal reason is that of service . I knew that I was capable of providing Victoria with all the material and emotional needs that she lacked for many years . I did think that would make all the difference in her life . Yet , it hasn 't . I wasn 't as prepared as I thought . After about 6 months of being home I started to notice some consistent behaviors that I could no longer attribute to a language barrier . These are in no particular order , just as I think of them . These behaviors also seem insignificant . Which is why I didn 't really know that there was a problem . We will start with rocking . This is a typical behavior of children in orphanages . It is a comfort and soothing mechanism for them . It is recommended that when they begin to rock that you cuddle with them and rock them . Victoria 's rocking never looked soothing but I guess it was . She would rock lying down going from side to side with her arms stretched out and hands clasped together . This was not slow and gentle . It was fast and furious . So whenever I saw her rocking I would cuddle with her and encourage her to stop . I spent hours doing this . However , this seemed to only encourage her rocking . This will be a recurring theme in my life that took me far too long to pick up on : the more I told her not to do something the more she did it . When I would rock her she would have a huge smile on her face but her eyes seemed empty . Her smile complicated , complicates , my life . As time went on the rocking became less about comfort and more about attention . She could control the rocking if she wanted and it became a power struggle in which she won both ways . So you are thinking just ignore it , right ? So difficult . Every morning as I combed her hair it would be a ball of tangles from a night of rocking . She didn 't even need to tell me and I know she felt empowered by it . I tried to praise her when I know she didn 't rock and it didn ' tJodi I feel compelled to let you know that I am by no means an expert on adoption , attachment disorders , parenting , discipline and now that I think of it , anything . This is just one of thousands of stories . No two children are exactly alike and certainly each parents reactions are different . I can easily tell you there are MANY that could have done a better job than I . The Lord either had an enormous amount of faith in me or he was taking a really big risk . I have to believe it was the first , because being a gambler certainly is not one of His attributes . I am apprehensive to try to tell my story in print because I know I will not be able to convey the torment that I have felt . I wish , at times , that her behaviors were more blatant and obvious . If she were starting fires , killing the neighbors cat or being violent it would be so much easier for you to see the difficulties . But she is very passive . I suppose she was doing the worse things she could think of in her 4 , 5 , 6 year old world . And she didn 't need to burn down the house because what she was doing was giving her the desired effects . Posted by Jay and I traveled to Belarus in 2004 and brought Victoria home to our family of three boys . We were all thrilled to have her here . She was not only a beautiful little girl but also had the brightest smile . I thought I was prepared to bring her into our family . I had spoken with other adoptive parents , talked to renowned international adoption doctors , read many books and faithfully followed other people 's journeys to adoption on message boards . There were many positive experiences and happily ever afters . I had also read about the challenges , especially attachment disorders , and felt fairly certain that I was ready to bring this little girl home . The first couple of months were certainly a " honeymoon " period . She was getting an enormous amount of attention from us and many family and friends . It was entertaining trying to communicate with her using our very broken Russian and mostly charades . She loved attention . She loved to hug and be hugged . She didn 't mind being touched , held or kissed . I was relieved . I thought during these couple of months that we had avoided the challenges of attachment . I was certain our biggest problem would be learning and speech delays . I was very attentive to providing her consistent touch and affection . She was the center of our conversations at home and everywhere else . She was so tiny at 4 years old she was wearing 24 mos clothing . It was so refreshing to buy girl clothes after 6 years of boys . Her hair was so short , which was typical of an orphanage , so I looked forward to growing out and fixing her very blonde hair . She blended so well into the family . Initially she fit right in and I was amazed at the ease in transition . I will say I experienced some unexpected mourning for Noah ( who is 19 days older than Victoria ) and I as we had spent so much time together before she arrived . But it didn 't seem disruptive to our relationship . We had a few problems but they were all expected . Toilet training , strange foods , language , going to strangers . We were amazed that within a couple of mJodi Many of you know that 3 1 / 2 years ago we anxiously adopted a beautiful , blonde , blue - eyed , four year old little girl . Some of you know the struggle we have had with bonding and issues with attachment disorder . Nearly none of you know the intensity of my suffering I have had not being able to do what was required of me to help this tiny , broken , child . I finally feel comfortable telling part of my story even though I am still very much living it . I am not going to be terribly specific because I don 't think this is the right medium but I hope to provide some insight in which you might learn something new or interesting and not totally bore you . Hindsight . Is it biased ? Probably . I will relate my experiences as I remember them but also with the new found understanding that comes with reflection and life 's learning curve . Posted by " Only great sorrow or great joy can reveal your truth . If you would be revealed you must either dance naked in the sun , or carry your cross . " - GibranThe truth revealed in my next few posts will indicate that I am in fact trudging along with my cross but you will want to stay as I anticipate great joy coming and loads of sunshine . And no I won 't post the photos of me dancing . Posted by I feel like I need a new blog name to distinguish between this new beginning and the previous posts that seem like a totally different life . Our time in Europe seems like a dream . Now my posts will pale in comparison as I muse on the ordinary life . But I am still Jodi and this is still a blog so it will remain . It will be nice not to try to be so interesting . My intentions here are totally selfish so you won 't find many updates on the family . Just me . Posted by

Oh what a hard day today is . I have shed so many tears that I am sure my makeup is mostly gone and I may look a fright at work . It 's one of those days that I will probably excuse myself and go home early . It 's Halloween . . . . . . . . . our first Halloween without our baby cow , our little shark , our tiny Elvis , our fire fighter , our Jude . No special haunted cemeteries are being set up tonight in our yard and there are no nurses staying late . It 's a hard day . They happen . Posted by Yesterday was rough , there is just no sugar coating it . Jude was on my mind a lot . I also felt pressed for time like there are not enough hours in the day . I know many people feel that way in the hustle and bustle that we call everyday life . As the sun was setting and my day was still going I stood in line at the grocery store . While waiting my turn I looked to my right and my eyes drifted over the packs of gum and down to the magazines . There sat a front page that beamed with Halloween decorations that beckoned parents to try to imitate them and gorgeous children dressed in cute homemade costumes . My heart began to hurt a little and then my eyes continued to scan the shelves . Next up was a holiday magazine with the front laced in beautiful Christmas decorations and that 's when the tears began to fall . I missed Jude and I began to think how unfair it is that he is not here and could never truly experience the holidays . A natural but selfish reaction . I quickly tried to wipe away the tears streaming down my face before I reached the checkout and upset the clerk . Once I had paid I breathed a sigh of relief and began walking to my car . On my way I saw a big burly man with a tiny little daughter skipping beside him . She had on her dance outfit and had her daddy carrying her plastic doll carrier . She was humming with a large Halloween balloon trailing behind her that her dad had purchased . As she slipped her tiny hand in his large open palm I just smiled and remembered how amazing life can be . This morning I was silently still struggling but on my Facebook feed there was an adorable picture of Jude and his father at therapy several years ago . I smile every time I see this photo because I can literally hear Jude questioning what the therapist was planning to do . I also received several of Emily 's senior pictures . I think that 's another issue I am struggling with is Emily is a senior and will be leaving home soon . I am so incredibly proud but as time has passed I continue to parent her but she is also one of my best friJennifer Ortiz Jude , Emily , and the Weekend . I thought a lot about Jude this weekend and I thought this picture was fitting . Mike was talking to me about Christmas and I told him I just don 't want to celebrate this year . He explained Jude would want us to and was encouraging me to participate . All I could picture was Jude lying in his casket versus lying in his bed smiling at me on Christmas morning . I know that in time these images and feelings will begin to dissipate a bit . We took some mums to Jude 's resting place last weekend and put a watering bulb in the planter . If anyone gets buy and could refill the bulb with water that would be great . We only get to go on weekends . Emily flew to Orlando with her father this weekend . She received an award from the National Caring Institute for being one of the most caring youth in the nation . It was a very great honor . We also just learned that Emily is being honored by the national stroke association but I cannot release those details yet . However , that is exciting . After all the work promoting pediatric stroke awareness we are THRILLED they contacted her . Emily doesn 't need accolades because she only wants to give back but she knows the accolades only help her promote her charity more . We bought our tickets to go watch Emily compete for Texas teen again in November . We don 't know if the results will be any different than before but I am proud of her for not giving up . Her tenacious spirit always makes me smile . This weekend I worked a craft fair for Perfectly Posh . It started off a bit slow but overall this small craft fair turned out to be very successful . Not very many people had heard of Posh which solidified my assumption that not many consultants exist right now so it 's a great time to have signed up . The people that had heard or tried Posh raved about it ! I even had a gentleman that makes the organic raw materials for large makeup manufactures pass by my booth . He picked up an item and started reading off the contents . Despite my knowledge on the product I cannot easily spout oAlso at the craft fair I had Jude 's book with me . I only sold one copy but Jude 's book is not for profit it 's for awareness and education . Awareness that pediatric strokes exist and education that love truly conquers all . What was amazing is that multiple people stopped to talk to me about the book including people from Shriners . Everyone that stopped had questions , listened , cried , and were inspired . The Shriners even asked me to come speak at their next meeting . So Jude did amazing work , as usual . We also planted Jude 's tree from nurse Allan and nurse Charlotte . We placed the marker they had engraved in front of it and put it in a spot where we will see it everyday . May it bloom and grow for years to come . I am blessed . I miss my boy more than anything but I am blessed . Posted by I ran across these pictures again today that my friend Sara took . It really reflects how our daily life was with Jude and what he was used to . As crazy as it sounds I miss every part of this . I wouldn 't want this for him again but I would proudly do this again in a heartbeat . Posted by Recently I mentioned that I have started a side business selling Perfectly Posh . So far I have had great luck because this is a great product . This has reminded me of the days I sold Scentsy when Jude was younger and my family was struggling . Mike had to abruptly quit his job to care for Jude which left our young family in a lurch . We survived off my income for about two years before Mike was able to go back to work . It took awhile for us to play catch up and to get in a better position . I have signed a few special needs moms up underneath me to sell Posh . I watch their Facebook posts and what an amazing job they are doing trying to launch their business . I would like to encourage people to support their business whether it 's Posh , Scentsy , or another multi marketing company . See that was me once . I didn 't want to ask for help financially so I worked as hard as I could to build up a side business to help support my family . When people ask what they can do to help another special needs family I encourage support . Help promote their business by sharing their posts . These simple steps can help encourage and uplift mothers who already have a lot on their plate . There are of course other ways to help special needs family 's but I wanted to point this one out because I watch these women . I admire them ! If you cannot do this then maybe one of the following ; 1 . Call to say hello because that mom probably has zero time to think about calling someone else . 2 . Be graceful if she forgets your birthday or cannot make it to an event . Give her the benefit of the doubt . 3 . Stop by and see her . One of the greatest things for me was Gina coming by and just sitting with me and watching TV . She knew I couldn 't leave Jude and she never once complained . 4 . Another great thing was a friend hired a housekeeper for me for three months . I know this isn 't feasible for most people but MAN that was amazing ! ! ! 5 . Listen to them when they cry . They don 't need advice they just need to vent . 6 . Try to make things easier for them because their life is already hard enough . I hope this inspires someone . Posted by I have read that grief is like a pendulum , one day you feel hopeful and happy but the next you are struggling again . I related to the analogy and thought it was well expressed . Yesterday was a pretty good day despite the looming septic replacement . Today everything seems trivial again in comparison to Jude 's loss . I am also having anxiety about the upcoming holidays . As the stores line their shelves with smiling pumpkins , cornucopia 's filled with glittering fruit , and bright sparkling ornaments my heart just sinks . The holidays were always difficult because Jude could not participate the way we wanted him to but now he won 't be able to participate at all . It 's back to the realization that the child I birthed will never be embraced in this lifetime again . As I watch everyone 's Facebook posts showing happy smiling children in their holiday and fall apparel I smile but cry . Halloween is around the corner which is always a holiday we went overboard with . Jude participated as long as he could sitting outside with us as we ran the Emily 's Smile Boxes haunted graveyard . This year we gave all our Halloween items to friends because it was just a reminder of the loss . I also truly have zero desire to put up my Christmas decorations this year but I will for Emily . She is very excited about decorating the new house and this is my last year before she heads off to college . Emily is also going to go stay with her father the week of Christmas so I would really prefer just to go somewhere . The idea of waking up on Christmas morning without Jude 's precious smile is almost to much to bear . However with the septic problem I doubt getting away will be a possibility but we will see . On a more positive note my grandmother called me to tell me she had read Jude 's book . She was so positive and sweet and said she had never been more proud . This made me smile . It meant a lot coming from someone who was an educator for so long . Tomorrow I am sure the pendulum will switch again and my sadness will be replaced with hope again . It 's just the Posted by Septic Woes and Picnics . So today the septic company number 3 came out to the house . This was a referral from a friend and honestly the first person that sounded professional and educated . After a complete inspection and inspecting the soil we didn 't get good news . Around noon I texted Mike asking if he would like to go to an anniversary dinner on Saturday . He simply texted , " we can 't we will be broke . " I knew what was coming next . Mike called and explained that the soil at the house had failed and cannot support the septic system and the lateral lines we have . We would need a completely new system put in a different part of the yard , don 't google the cost it 's scary . I cried for awhile , I wondered why we cannot catch a break , and I thought a lot of Jude . Then I began to financially calculate everything and figure out the next steps . This will work out just like it always does . I told Mike we will have a bologna sammy picnic for our anniversary out under the pecan trees ( far away from the septic ) . I then emailed Emily 's dad and explained the situation and asked if he could cover Emily 's hair for Miss Texas in November and I would take care of the rest . He didn 't say a word and just sent a large amount to cover everything for her so I wouldn 't have to worry . He is an amazing father . I sat back and wondered how we could have prevented this in a new home . We would have had to actually collected soil samples and had them tested . All I could think of was me in a white jumpsuit scraping soil samples into a test tube and running it to a lab for analysis and then I laughed . I mean that 's all you can do is laugh . So we pray that nothing catastrophic happens in the next two years that would require a large sum of money while we catch up . The good thing is we have access to cover this , it will increase the value of our home , and we shouldn 't have septic issues again . So again it will work out . We are blessed with that positive . Things like this can compound grief and vice versa . So if you are a parent who lost a child know that feelings of being out of control and crazy when a stressful situation arises is normal . Trust me I need a bat and a foam room . . . . . . . . . and maybe some plates to break . God Bless . Posted by I just LOST it . Mike and I took Emily to finish up her wardrobe for Miss Texas yesterday and then we had a day to ourselves . We decided to go have lunch and then we came home to finish working on the chicken coop that 's being built . Doesn 't sound like an exciting day but it was nice to have time with each other . We have both had very sad moments over the last few days so we needed some down time . Then . . . . . . . . . . . . the septic in our new house started having issues again and I just lost it . I am not sure what it was , the grief , the move , the items breaking , but I officially lost it . I just bawled , screamed , and panicked . To be honest I have no idea what 's going on with the septic but I do know we have had an inspector and multiple professionals out here looking at it and so far no one has caught the major issue . We keep thinking it 's been fixed only for it to happen again . So my guess is it 's either a complete failure or something wrong in the leech field . Regardless it 's a lot of money . Just a fluke weird thing that no one could have seen coming . I had hit my max last night . I guess that can be normal especially after this year . Emily 's birthday party was suppose to be today at our house but we had to cancel for obvious reasons . I guess on your 18th birthday there is nothing better than to learn to be an adult and that parties are secondary to a crisis . At least she will have lots of cake left and it 's her favorite . Sometimes I feel like we can never catch a break but then again it could be worse and we know that all to well . So at least we have water , a home , and hopefully a working septic soon . Oh and we have chickens , chickens make me happy . Posted by I went to a birthday party for a friend last night and it was nice to get out to do something other than work . We enjoyed good conversation but ended up going home a bit early to tend to our animals . Overnight was not as great . I started waking up around 1am with horrible nightmares . They last most throughout the rest of the morning and I would randomly wake up from them . Everything from a demon in our house to Jude being trapped . It 's not easy dealing with these and it makes for a very tiring day at work . My co worker explained that the mother of her boyfriend that died dealt with nightmares for years . Ugh , I hope they don 't last years . I am not sure what the trigger was but I have it narrowed down to three things . 1 . Emily is sick and cannot seem to shake whatever it is and that has me worried . 2 . I had to pick up a birthday card yesterday and standing in the aisle I just bawled when I saw a " Happy Birthday Son " , card . 3 . I fell asleep with the TV on which I never do . We watched " Speechless " again last night and if you have not seen this show I highly recommend it . I was perplexed how they would turn a TV show about a family who has a disabled son into a comedy but they have managed to do it and do it well . We relate so much to this show and I just cannot recommend it enough . Catch it on Wednesday nights . Now on to social media . Lately I have bombarded social media with information regarding my new venture in Perfectly Posh . First , I know it can be annoying and I know some people have probably even unfollowed me . However I appreciate those that have stuck with me . I don 't post as much on the blog since Jude passed so Facebook tends to be my outlet . I also received multiple emails from people after we lost Jude asking how they could help . I appreciate those who recognize that keeping myself busy and trying to improve our life is important . I appreciate those that support the new venture or just choose to listen . Thank you from the bottom of my heart . On a funny note my co - worker Chandi signed up underneath me toJennifer Ortiz Mike and I went out to dinner the other night and " Here Comes The Sun " , by the Beatles came on . This is literally how my brain works now . I thought of my friend Linda ( whom I miss ) who lost her precious Aiden and how they loved that song , then I thought of Emily who adores the song and picked it for her final walk at Miss Dallas teen . Then I thought of Jude because she walked to the song the day after he died . . . . . . . and then I cried . It 's like my mind moves in lightning fast speed with pictures . Mike looked at me and immediately knew what I was thinking and he teared up too . There are triggers in the smallest of actions . I still miss Jude very much and I still do little things to soothe the loss . When they delivered the shirts for the pediatric stroke run there was a tiny one that was Jude 's size . I could not help but take it and put it aside . I take it with me sometimes when I lie down , I guess it makes me feel closer to him . I know that sounds sad but you do what you need to . I have started a diet of sorts and will be working out when I can . I have struggled a bit with this and this is why . I have sat on a couch for the last 7 years holding a terminally ill child . My weight is NOT what I want but I also don 't feel bad about it , does that make sense ? When others questioned my work outs or weight I still felt confident . At one point my husband told me , " I know you aren 't happy with how you look but no matter what size you are you will always be beautiful to me . " That 's the support I needed . So primarily I am going to start exercising again to help my emotional well being versus a physical well being . I am sure I will eventually work on the physical too but I believe the other is more important right now . I also know that despite how I look I am still me and I am still beautiful the way I am and so are you ! So hopefully between life and it 's never ending schedule I can fit 3 - 4 work outs a week in . So I have started a new venture and I would truly appreciate your support . I am finding a way to supplement our income Posted by A blessed mother of a daughter who helps the world through Emily 's Smile Boxes . A blessed mom of a little boy who survived a massive stroke and fights for his life everyday . A wife to the most wonderful man who is my hero . I work full time and blog as much as I can . I relax with white wine and bubble baths . View my complete profile

The day 's labor was over and Mr . Amazing was driving me back to the farm . I was still reeling from my brief encounter with Janet ( or more accurately , from his brief encounter with her ) , and sat staring blankly out the window . I have the navigational skills of turnip , but I knew somehow we weren 't headed for the farm . He asked , almost as an afterthought , " Would you like to see some scenery ? " That 's one question I am powerless to refuse . I suffer from severe wanderlust , and few things get me as excited as the prospect of a roadtrip . The ride that had begun on a four lane highway had twisted and turned to a dusty gravel road , climbing higher and higher . Finally , I couldn 't contain my excitement any longer and broke the silence . " This is exquisite ! What is this place ? " " I thought you 'd like this . These are wheat farms , but some of it is government set - aside land , too . I just wish I could take you to the dryland wheat country ; you 'd really love that . " He was clearly delighted that I was so impressed by the countryside . " Hm , " I thought . " What is this guy up to ? Does he like me ? Maybe he 's just being nice . " The shadow of Janet 's visit loomed in the back of my mind . I was seriously confused . But for the next forty - five minutes , I took in the sublime surroundings , and enjoyed Mr . Amazing 's pleasant , humorous , and always fascinating conversation . At last the dirt path wound back to a main road , and we said goodbye to the hills . He started to slow down but then gave a disgruntled grimace and , as if changing his mind , sped up again . " Oh . . . this is kind of a neat road , " he said , nodding in the direction of a pot - hole ridden sliver of a gravel path that hugged a careening precipice , climbed into the stratosphere without a guardrail , and eerily brought on the feeling of certain death . " It 's the ditch bank , and it goes behind our farm . You could see the whole place , but the road is probably too bumpy for you . " " Too bumpy ! ? " I said , perhaps too eagerly . I trusted him implicitly . He flashed me a cat - that - swallowed - the - canary grin , and off we went . I white knuckled it at the beginning , but relaxed a bit when I saw a fuzzy gray bunny hopping fearlessly close to the sheer dropoff . There were birds I had never seen , and flowers I couldn 't have imagined . It was beautiful , and the view of the farm was quite impressive , too . I believe , however , that I was most taken with the sight of the driver . He looked so pleased , and proud , and confident , and competent , and happy . . . not to mention outrageously handsome . " I really like the sage brush , " he commented . " Really ? " I wasn 't too much for it , but could say with honesty , " It is rather pretty in the sun . " That night we had another late night porch conversation , serenaded by frogs and crickets . I don 't remember what we talked about , but I remember laughing and debating , and perfect ease . I still knew very little about this man , but I felt I 'd known him all my life . The end of my visit came at last , and I hugged each member of the family goodbye . Meg was going to take me to the airport . I briefly and a little awkwardly shook hands with Mr . Amazing , and after thanking my hosts profusely , made my way to the car . I purposely left rather abruptly , hoping to make a break from the family and get to see him alone . I was trying to give him ample opportunity to make his move ; my plane was due to take off in just a few hours , and I couldn 't go home without some resolution to my long - standing crush , one way or the other ! So I sat in Meg 's car in the driveway for a while , windows rolled up in the desert summer , making an effort not to sweat . She was getting something in the house . The front door opened and he came out . My heart leapt . He was coming towards the car ! ! The world was moving in slow motion . . . except my heart , which was galloping . After an eternity , he reached it , and I quickly rehearsed in my head how I would accept his declarations . I would look up at him just so , and then look down , and then give a little half smile , and then shyly return his compliments and affections . . . and then attempt not to blush , which would make me blush more . But he didn 't open my door . He opened the trunk . WHAT ? ? ? " Oh . . . he was looking for an excuse to come out here . " I thought . " Alright , any day now . . . go ahead and declare your intentions , Sir , " I thought impatiently . " Meg is on her way out ! Hurry up ! ! Tell me you 'll call me , or something , anything , just do it quick ! " But he just waved a half - wave , said , " bye , " and ambled back to the house . Last Saturday my husband and I gleaned over 100 pounds of apples . One of the neighbors had just finished his apple harvest . I didn 't know this before marrying a farmer , but there is always lots of fruit left on the trees after a harvest . There are various reason for this , but usually it 's either because that fruit was unripe when the rest of the fruit was ready , or because it is a pollinator variety that is not generally sold to the public ( either because it doesn 't transport well , or just hasn 't been marketed ) . There were literally tons of apples for us , ripe for the picking . If you live near any farms , you might consider asking the farmers if you can glean after their harvest for your family 's use . It 's been my experience that farmers are friendly folk and so long as you 're not trying to sell their produce at a farmer 's market or fruit stand , they often let you go right ahead . ( But be aware that many farmers don 't want children in their fields or orchards ; one accident , one law suit , and their whole family 's operation could go under ) . By gleaning , in the past we 've gotten enough nectarines , peaches , plums , apples , rhubarb , onions , peas , corn , potatoes , peppers , tomatoes , grapes , and hazlenuts to preserve for a whole year 's eating ; all for just the labor it took to pick them , and the nerve to ask . A few weeks ago I volunteered to be a baker for the funerals at our parish , and I was called for the first time this week ! The thought was a little morbid at first , but then I figured it might count for both " feed the hungry " and " bury the dead , " and why turn down the opportunity for two corporal works of mercy with one act ? " Would you like to make a dessert or a salad ? " I 'm actually not much of a baker . On the rare occasions growing up when we had sweets in our house , my older sister was the one who did the baking . But my husband has a ferocious sweet tooth and I 've been wanting to improve my baking repertoire , so I tried a new cookie recipe this morning . The second to last step ( before " bake " ) is " add 1 1 / 2 cups oats and 2 cups chocolate chips . " Yeorg ! ! We only had 1 / 2 a cup of oatmeal and 1 1 / 2 cups of chocolate chips left ! So I added 1 cup of coconut and 1 / 2 cup white chocolate chips , and was more than pleased with the results . 2 . Place butter in a large bowl and mix butter until light and fluffy . Add eggs sugars and mix , beat in eggs ( one at a time ) and vanilla . Add flour mixture , in 3 additions . Fold in chocolate chips , oats , and coconut . 3 . Drop by rounded tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart onto prepared baking sheets . Bake in the middle of a preheated ( 350 ° oven ) for 10 - 15 minutes ( mine needed a full 15 minutes , but adjust to your own oven ) , or until golden and slightly firm to the touch . Let cool on sheets for 5 minutes , then transfer to wire racks to cool completely . The end of Daylight Savings time is near ! Slowly over the last few months " I 'll be home after dark , dearest , " has transitioned from 9 : 45pm to 6 : 45pm . From November to March , it 'll move to 5 : 45pm and I 'll get a whole extra hour each day with my husband ! I 've been on the hunt for a project to fill our cozy Winter evenings , and finally settled on one . We 're going to take up pyrography ( wood - burning ) and attempt to craft a beautiful chess board ( or perhaps a whole game table ) like this one . I have lots of designs in mind , and if we can pull off a whole table with a Backgammon board , Scrabble board , and chess / checker board , we 'll have picked up a new skill and shared many lovely evenings making a beautiful heirloom to cherish in our family . But there 's a problem : we know nothing about pyrography . I searched online for some beginner tutorials , tips , and basic guides . There aren 't very many , let me tell you . My Mistake ; Lingering with Evil One site proved rather helpful . It had lovely designs of floral patterns , in - depth tutorials , and lots of helpful advice . There was a link to view more of the artist 's work . Pentagrams , goddesses , and astrological symbols , along with many other strange symbols and images that I didn 't recognize ( but felt uneasy about ) were interspersed with how - tos of lovely floral work and landscapes . When I saw the 3rd ornately scrolled pentagram , I said " That 's it ! This is evil " and left the page , not caring that the next click promised a how - to of delicate daisies and lilies . Trial and error would be a safer teacher . That night I had a horrific nightmare and startled my husband when I awoke repeatedly yelling , " Jesus , help me ! Jesus , help me ! " I attributed the nightmare to the late - night ice cream , said a prayer , and at last fell back asleep . 3 . If you have a laptop , as much as possible , do not use it in your bedroom . This fosters isolation , and it 's easier to go astray when you 're by yourself . I have a major problem with this one , wasting untold hours in cyberspace . But for personal use ( as opposed to work - related use or responding to e - mails ) , my rule of thumb is : don 't spend more time online than time in prayer . When I honestly try to implement this , suddenly " I don 't have time to pray " disappears . 5 . Think , for every single website visited ( even mine ) : " Would I show this page to the Blessed Mother ? " or " If somebody walked in right now , would I instantly click off of this site ? " And I don 't mean because you don 't want others to know you 're researching your IBS symptoms . We 're talking moral value , here . Comedians especially love to mock the Bride of Christ , the Church . I don 't care how funny they are , this is satanic . Bye bye Jim Gaffigan . Your Hot Pockets skit was so funny ; why do you have to mock the Immaculate Conception and do extended diatribes against the Church ? I 'm sorry to some of my ex - favorite Bloggers ; expand your vocabulary and rid your language of foulness . If I read it , I 'm more apt to think it ; if I think it , invariably it will slip into my speech . No thanks . Finally , I 've recommended it before , but I think ( especially around Halloween ) it deserves re - reading : Bishop Donald W . Montrose 's " Spiritual Warfare . " I 'm interested to hear from you . What are some of the ways you safeguard your virtue when online , and what are your non - negotiables when on the web ? After our late evening chat the night before , the ride was rather quiet . It wasn 't awkward at all , but we were both comfortably lost in our thoughts . He took a scenic route past rolling lush green fields , and I involuntarily gasped in delight at their perfectly ordered beauty . It was so perfectly even it looked fake and I wondered who the rich dude was who could afford mammoth fields of AstroTurf . Wheat ? I thought wheat was golden . Boy did I have a lot to learn . By then we 'd arrived and set out to work with Tim and Meg . I was asked to prime the pump ( a cushy job allowing one to sit in the shade ) , and was pleased with my comfy lot while the others went out looking for those danged pipes seeking buried treasure . A few hours later , while I was sitting there avoiding reassignment , a car drove up . A slender woman with dark eyes spotted me lounging working in the shade and rolled down the window . She called over , and I quickly discovered her purpose and surmised her identity . She was looking for Mr . Amazing . This must be " Janet , " his ex - fiance . I couldn 't help it . I arched an eyebrow ! But I answered civilly , " Oh , he 's out in the field . " I gestured to a dot on the horizon that I 'd been watching for an hour . " If you hurry you 'll probably catch him before he gets out of sight . " " Not wearing the right kind of shoes ? ? I 'd run over burning coals barefoot to see him ! " I thought , defensively , but just smiled and shrugged . She honked several times and at length he spotted her . He smiled broadly and went over to talk with her . I couldn 't bear to watch . A few minutes later she drove off . Blast . He was still smiling . He came to take a break in the shade , sitting near me . Of course I had no reason to be mad at him . I was the one with the crazy crush ; besides a disinterested and cordial porch conversation , he 'd made no move and he owed me nothing . He 'd played the part of a gracious host when Miriam was working , entertaining me as any good older brother would do , and chauffeuring me out to visit Meg . But at the time I felt like a crossed lover . 1 . I finally paid the lab bill for this bad news zinger . I bitterly refused to pay the negligible amount for the last two months , wondering why they should add insult to injury by sending a bill . It was more the fact that I didn 't want to think about it , and signing my name to a check would kind of ratify the news and make me face it anew . But justice demanded I send them their wages , so my account is now settled there . 2 . I picked 30 pounds of bell peppers and jalapeños before it froze . Yay ! ! Now to slice and freeze them . . . 3 . I refrained from checking the UPS tracking code obsessively when I knew I had packages coming . Instead I was happily surprised when they arrived . I amaze myself with my self - restraint sometimes . hehe ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ The evening after my heatstroke incident , I remembered my little promise to St . Anthony . Six Rosaries was the final bid for a few unearthed pipes . Sheesh . I knew I 'd better get started . It was around 10 : 00 at night when I went out on to the front porch at the farm to start chipping away at my debt . There was a cool breeze blowing up from the river , the crickets were chirping merrily , and the irrigation runoff was trickling lazily admidst the chorus of frogs . There was such deep peace and natural idyllic beauty . Jane Bennet : " I want to talk very seriously . Let me know every thing that I am to know , without delay . Will you tell me how long you have loved him ? " Mr . Amazing was out that evening and the others had turned in for the night . I was quite content in my meditations on the Aves and Paters to the tranquil tunes of the twilight . As I finished the end of my first downpayment and pocketed my Rosary , I could see twinkling lights from off in the distance . They were too rigidly parallel to be fireflies . Headlights ! ! Gasp ! ! He was coming home , and I was on the front porch . . . looking like I 'd waited up for him ! " Go inside and pretend to be asleep , " my interior counsel beckoned me . " Hurry ! " My superego was squelched and I planted myself more firmly on the front porch . I did , however , swing my chair around to face away from the steps up the porch ; if he wanted to talk to me he 'd have to approach me . I sat in the dark silence with my Rosary dangling from my fingers freely and quite conspicuously over the chair . He parked . Turned off his pickup . The door slammed . Footsteps on the gravel drive . Crunch , crunch , crunch . He paused to pet the dog . My pulse quickened . He paused to take in the starlight ( I safely observed by glancing over my shoulder , veiled as I was by the darkness of the porch ) . " Would you hurry up and get up here ? " I thought , as I tried to position my Rosary to catch the faint beams of moonlight . " Got to dazzle him with my radiant piety , " I reasoned . " Glisten , Rosary , glisten ! ! " I entreated the dull cold beads . He hadn 't yet noticed I was there , and my boldness in remaining on the porch would 've been foiled had he gone in . Obviously if I 'd walked in after him , he would have discovered my creepy stalker tendencies . . . following him in after lurking in the shadows , and all . He commented on the croaking frogs and I turned my chair around to face his . He patted the dog with his socked toes . So passed another of the loveliest evenings of my life . We talked for hours , but it passed oh so quickly . We could hear the chime from inside the house ; midnight . The spell was broken . " Oh my , it 's late . You should go to bed ; farm work starts early tomorrow , hm ? " " Yes , you 're right , " he said . . . a little reluctantly , I thought . " Are you coming to work at the alfalfa field tomorrow ? " he asked . I briefly recalled my brush with death the day before , the unforgiving heat and the grimy film of sweat and dust that had covered my entire being . But he was either asking for free labor or was genuinely interested in having me along ; I wasn 't sure which , but I didn 't want to take any chances and was hedging my bets for the latter . " Of course ! I wouldn 't miss it ! " I said enthusiastically . " Alright , you 'd better get to bed too , then , " he smiled . " Good night . " It 's rich , decadent , filling , and oh so " comfort food . " This is not Kraft Mac & Cheese . This is something you can serve to company . Oh , and be sure to tell stories the whole time you 're making this . Aunt Debbie never cooks that she doesn 't tell some great stories . Aunt Debbie 's Luscious Cheese and Macaroni Cook noodles in salted water according to directions . In a deep skillet , melt the butter and add flour . Cook on medium heat , whisking constantly for about 3 minutes , or until flour is semi - cooked but not browned . My first cherry harvest was an event to remember ! Prior to that experience , I had completely taken for granted the fact that there 's ripe fruit in the grocery story , and it came from somewhere . How much work it takes to harvest a crop ! Be assured , behind every piece of produce are blood , sweat and tears ( not to mention blisters , dust , and sunburn ) . But oh I had fun ! Despite the fact I was still dying of the bubonic plague ( or . . um . . a really bad cold ) , I worked every day from 4am - 3pm in the sun , walking , walking , walking around the orchard giving receipts to pickers for their labors . I lost about 15 pounds that week and was sporting a golden ( farmer 's ) tan that would put beach bums to shame . And of course I was glowing - - I was in love with the farmer 's son ! On the drive over , we fell into easy conversation . I was so worried we 'd have nothing to talk about , but the chatter flowed freely without awkwardness or hesitation . At last we arrived at the dust patch . Little did I suspect , however , that Meg and I wouldn 't be sipping iced tea on the porch whilst watching the menfolk labor . No , Meg was right in there with ' em ! Aaaaah ! ! You mean I have to get my hands dirty ? I 'm going to be a scholar ! The only dirt I touch is dust on ancient tomes . My enthusiasm was curbed a bit . Dirt . As far as the eye could see , and not nicely compacted level dirt . No , this was like walking through quicksand , and our destination was ( of course ) the far end of the field . Help . The goal was to find the buried irrigation pipe and put a cap on it so water wasn 't wasted in the wrong part of the field . You started digging , looking for a pipe , but you had no idea where the pipe actually was , except when given the vague directions : " it 's about 3 paces West from the last hole . " What the . . . ? If you were 4 inches off , you could keep digging to Kingdom Come and never find the danged pipe . After about 10 minutes of digging , in the unrelenting sun with no shade , I was getting desperate . Did I mention it was about 110 ° in the full sun ? A few hours later , and 6 promised Rosaries in , I realized I couldn 't open my parched mouth . I was lightheaded , dizzy , and very sleepy . My limbs felt like lead . It came on all of a sudden , with little warning . " Uh oh , " I thought . I knew I was in serious trouble . I looked up and the world was swimming . I had tunnel vision and clouded hearing . I stumbled 1 / 4 of a mile ( but it felt like a marathon , and I fell to my knees and crawled part of the way ) back to the shade and to water . The field was so big , and I was alone on that end . . . I couldn 't open my mouth to speak , much less call for help . There was a gallon jug there in the shaded pickup under the tree , and I chugged the whole thing without thinking . The whole gallon and I was still parched . I was sweating but freezing . I can 't die without him knowing that I love him ! ! ! To this day I still believe it was that thought that kept me from collapsing . I couldn 't succumb and I willed myself ( with the grace of God ) to stay awake and alert . Once I tried a sip of a $ 125 bottle of wine . I was at a nice restaurant with a good friend from grad school and we casually requested to see the wine list . Our waitress offered to bring us a sample of some wines , and amongst her array of libations was the $ 125 Pinot Gris . It was a transcendental experience . I had never before been able to discern the difference between " cheap " wine and " good " wine ( ranging from $ 5 - 35 dollars ) , but I still recall , with exquisite clarity , the ontologically higher value of that fermented blood of the grape . We then proceeded to order the $ 2 . 50 a glass house wine , shielding ourselves from the fiery poison darts the waitress 's eyes were shooting at us . We tipped her handsomely and called it good . " Oh . . . well . . . um . . . I 'm wearing my irrigation boots , and I haven 't shaved and . . . well , I didn 't want to march right in , grab the $ 3 bottle of wine and pay for it in change , ya know ? The cashier would 've just said ' sure , sure ' if I 'd told her I was bringing it home for dinner . So I frantically looked around for anything and the asparagus was handy . " Sitting with my sweet husband , the bum , the $ 3 wine tasted remarkably similar to the $ 125 . I hadn 't given much thought to any of this other than , perhaps " they 're health nuts , " " they 're liberals , " " they 're environmental extremists " or " they 're crunchy hippies . " Then I saw the ( propaganda - laden , no doubt ) film Food Inc [ Part 1 and links to the rest are here ] . After that I started doing tons of research . There 's nothing " liberal , " " extremist , " " hippy " or " nutty " about the unprecedented rise in heart disease , diabetes , cancer , infertility , and obesity of this past half century , not roughly but precisely correlated to the demise of the family farm and the takeover of the industrialized food mega - corporations . What finally hit home for me , though , was the outrageous number of fake foods that effect our hormones and fertility . Bearing the painful cross of infertility myself , that 's when it got personal . Some of the blogs I frequent , nowadays , where you can find more are : Kitchen Stewardship , Heartland Renaissance , Food Renegade , Gnowfglins , Cheeseslave , and The Nourished Kitchen . Harsh Realities of Living It But how do you get local oranges in Iowa , or corn in Florida ? Well , as in everything , use prudence . The idea is , what you can get locally , you should , even if it 's a higher price ( the principle of subsidiarity , and of supporting your local economy ) . We are so dependent upon processed packaged foods that the idea of doing all of this was , at first , overwhelming . But I started with what I considered the most pressing and the most expensive . Putrid feed lots that can be nosed several miles away and e . Coli infested slaughterhouses scare me . I 'm blessed to be married to a farmer and have access to a few acres I can play with . We bought a milk cow and some chickens to start with because there 's no way I can afford raw milk ( $ 10 a gallon and $ 8 per pound of butter ; other raw dairy products aren 't even available ) or pastured poultry ( $ 4 a dozen eggs and $ 15 for a whole pastured chicken ) . Our fat cow still hasn 't had her calf , but once she does we 'll be able to raise some hogs for grass and milk fed pork . Chickens : We were buying about 3 packages of boneless skinless chicken breasts a month . Wings ? Blah . Thighs ? Never . Legs ? On occasion . Organs ? Do chickens still have those ? Quick calculation : 18 chicken breasts a month ( 9 chickens ) . . . that 's 108 chickens a year for 2 people ! But no , that 's just 108 chicken 's worth of breasts . We 'd eat less than half that many chickens if I cooked with the legs and the thighs ( and we 'd buy zero chicken stock and no bouillon if I used the bones ) . Pork : We were going through a pound and a half of bacon a week . That 's 78 pounds of bacon a year . A pig ( roughly , and it does vary ) has about 18 pounds of bacon on it . We 're going through 4 hogs of bacon a year ! ! A family of 4 could comfortably live on one hog a year ! Beef : I won 't go there . We like tender juicy steaks . And we don 't have the freezer space to handle the number of cows we 'd have to raise to maintain our current steak consumption . We are a classic case of the unsustainable diet of many Americans . We pick out the choice cuts and discard the rest . It 's not real , and it 's not right . By changing our habits , bacon will be a treat instead of a staple . Chickens won 't be valued for their boneless skinless breasts . And prime rib will be a Christmas feast instead of a normal Sunday meal . I 'd really like to hear from any of you to see if / how you 've adopted and adapted these principles in your life . Or do you think it 's quack bunk ? How has your diet , shopping , budget changed ? Have you lost weight ? Feel healthier ? Saved or spent more money ? Or what negative effects have you seen ? Yes , a steaming bowl of soup warms the innards , soothes the soul , and relaxes a tensed body from the day 's stresses . It 's medicinal . It 's comforting . It 's wonderful . When you have a treat as wonderful as his presence , you can 't serve peanut butter sandwiches . So I started brainstorming . One of my neighbors ( they really are dear ladies ) had brought me some huge Portabella mushrooms , and I 'd made a fresh batch of these beauties that morning . Inspiration ? Inspiration ? My muse had left me , so I went to Swagbucks ( and won 8 points for the search ) and discovered Grilled Portabella Mushrooms with Caramelized Onions and Avocados . They were very quick and simple to make ( about 10 minutes on the gas grill while the onions caramelized ) . I made some changes to the original recipe ( reflected in the directions below ) . I could definitely see these on the menu for Fridays . Scrape out the dark muddy gills of the mushroom ( optional ) , brush both sides with olive oil and salt lightly . Broil or grill mushrooms on both sides until just tender , about 5 minutes per side . Meanwhile , cook onions in butter / olive oil over medium heat until very tender , stirring occasionally , about 10 to 12 minutes . Season to taste . Cut avocado in half , remove the pit , and peel and cut into slices . Slice tomato . Toast buns . Top bun bottom with grilled portabella , 1 / 4 of the caramelized onion , lettuce , tomato , and avocado slices . Spread top of bun with mayonnaise and top the sandwich . Y - stinkin - um . Soy mimics estrogen . Who knew ? Soybean oil ( which is vegetable oil ) , " partially hydrogenated " soybean oil , soy lecithin , soy powder , soy flour , and anything else with " soy " on the label . . . hello estrogen . I have an overload of estrogen already . It 's one of the many factors of my present inability to conceive . So over the last several months I 've slowly been weeding out everything that has soy and soybeans and soybean oil in it . It 's really hard , but each time I learn to make something from scratch , sans soybeans , I get a little thrill . This week it was time for the great peanut butter purge . Our last jar was running out and I sadly read the Jif label for the 1000th time . There staring back at me , unblinkingly , was " hydrogenated vegetable ( soybean ) oil . " Yes , I know there are natural peanut butters . But I like JIF ! I like PETER PAN ! I like SKIPPY ! I even like STORE BRAND PEANUT BUTTER ! ! ! ! I 've tried Adam 's Natural ( with the two inch layer of oil on top ) and can I just say , " blech " ? ! Give me smooth , creamy , and hydrogenated any day ! Yesterday I mentioned our neighborhood watch . It 's an unofficial group , comprised mostly of wannabe Miss Marples . We don 't have one of those fancy signs on our street , but I guarantee our gals are every bit as good as the major leaguers . Yes , they 've had some mishaps . They called the cops on one of our friends ( he was visiting overnight and took a morning walk ; they thought he was a disoriented vagabond ) , called to ask if I was sick when my sister - in - law dropped off a gallon of milk ( she was coming for breakfast ) , reported that I had stalkers in my driveway ( when my parents came to visit and were accidentally locked out , so they slept in the car ) . Oh , and there 's the little fact that when we actually did have a burglar , they were all asleep . So a few months after we got married and I moved in to the neighborhood , my darling was working late and had left his pickup at the farm . He 'd driven his brother 's pickup home , and for some reason parked in front of the house instead of in the driveway . It must have been 11pm , and the overcast sky made the night dark as pitch . At 4am he had to get back to the farm to bale hay , but promised he 'd be home for breakfast . We smooched goodbye in the doorway , and I thought I caught another split in the blinds out of the corner of my eye . " She 's watching , you 'd better go , " I told him , so we had a good chuckle and he hurried away to the farm . Around 9am in full sunlight he came back for breakfast , this time in his own pickup , and parking ( as usual ) in our driveway . By now there were three Jr . Miss Marples huddled across the street , whispering , shaking their heads , and casting sidelong glances in my direction . The neighbors who were usually so friendly shunned me for weeks ! They wouldn 't wave to me , smile at me , or bring in my trash can . The situation finally came to a head when one of them brought some homemade preserves and coolly added , " for your husband . " " Oh yes , that darling husband of mine . He 's been working late nights , with the hay and all . Sometimes he can just come home a few hours a night , and once he even drove his brother 's pickup home . " I knew that last bit had nothing to do with the sentence , but I wanted some of those preserves and she didn 't look like she trusted them in my tainted possession . Immediately her death grip on the sparkling jar of goodness loosened and she was all smiles . " Oh , that 's just like him ! He 's such a good man . I know you two are so in love ; it 's great to see that in a marriage . " The idea of chicken fricassee for lunch was suddenly very appealing . Well , my darling came right home and rescued the foul fowl from certain smothering in onions and gravy . In the meantime , we discovered and disbanded four more plump poultry lurking in darker corners of the garage . I 'm sure they were planning a coop coup ; I could see it in their beady little eyes . I 'm watching you , Clucky . Before I married a farmer I had no idea that there was any such thing as an irrigation district , and that they decide when and how much water farmers can have . In our district , farmers are only allowed to have water on their crops from April to October . Thank the good Lord ! If it were any longer I don 't know if I could do it . When the water goes off , by and large , the farmer 's work hours are greatly shortened . My own darling farmer is gone before I wake up and often comes home after I go to sleep . Yes , he calls me often during the day to check in and say " hi , " but sometimes a whole week goes by where I only see him an hour or two combined from Monday through Saturday . Sometimes I bring him dinner in the field , but it 's just to see him for a few minutes before he has to get back to work . 2 . I tend not to cook for just myself , and live off of cereal or whatever is in the fridge . It 's just no fun to cook without someone else to enjoy it . But last night I made some homemade corn tortillas and chipotle pork . Yes , it would 've tasted better with my husband there , but I think this is progress . 3 . Last night when the walls were particularly suffocating , I prayed a Rosary for my husband ( and for military wives ) . Our Lady is so dear , and she 's excellent company . [ Catch up on Parts I - VI here ] My time in Arizona was wonderful ! I have never seen so many stars that were so dazzlingly bright . It was stunningly beautiful and one of the top 10 most breathtaking sites I 've beheld in all my life ! But while I was in Arizona , en route to Miriam 's , I picked up a nasty cold . I had a pretty intense fever , and on the last day of my side trip to Arizona I lost my voice . Cherry harvest had already begun when I arrived , so Mr . Amazing 's mom picked me up from the airport instead of Miriam . I whispered to her that I had lost my voice , so she lovingly and hospitably picked up the conversation so I didn 't feel awkward . Oh , and she hoped I wouldn 't mind , but she just had to make one quick stop at Costco for some french bread . After each question I expected her to see how I was straining and re - take control of the conversation , but after each hoarse whispered answer she 'd volley another question . So every few aisles we would stop and I would put my face close to her ear to squeak out a response , all the while trying not to breathe on her for fear of spreading my cold . It was the worst after trying the samples . Miriam 's mom would ask what I thought of the sample and the lady giving them out would casually eavesdrop to hear the answer . Denied . I 'd lean in and whisper " it was delicious . " " What ? " " It was delicious . " " I 'm sorry , what was that ? " " DeLICious , " I 'd croak as loudly as I could . I ignored the disparaging stares of the other bulk shopper bargain hunters . Of course now that I 've worked several cherry harvests myself I realize how frazzling the whole experience is ! Months of agonizing preparation , hoping you 'll make it past the frost , then rain , then get enough workers , then have a good crop , a good price , all the while keeping track of a huge crew and getting everyone fed , clothed , bathed , rested , and remaining civil . I 'm amazed that she was so generous and gracious to pick me up during lunchtime when she was expected to feed the whole harvest crew ! But at the time all I knew was that I wanted a soft bed , a warm drink , and some NyQuil . We arrived back at the farm , victoriously armed with multiple loaves of french bread , and I sat at the counter to eat a piping hot plate of spaghetti . I 've never been good at eating spaghetti . That fancy skill where you twist it up on the spoon so as to eat it in a refined way ? Unlearnable . So my face was splashed with sauce and I was very indelicately wrestling to slurp up a long noodle that wouldn 't be tamed when in strode Mr . Amazing . I choked . I either inhaled the danged noodle or it had gone out my nose . I don 't know but I choked . Coughing . . . tears in my eyes . . . Why ? Oh why did he have such a power of presence over me ? ? Why did he inspire me to do the most humiliating things ? He was a recently engaged man ; still taken for all I knew . I had moved on . I had gotten past it . I had attempted to stop being a creepy stalker and forget him . After I 'd recovered and wiped my face ( and eyes ) he cordially said " hello . " I was glad I could blame the scarlet hue of my face on my recent choking episode . " Hi . " I whispered weakly . " Oh , she 's got laryngitis , " his mom interjected , thankfully rescuing me from further comment . " Hm , " he grinned , " she 's so awed by my presence she 's speechless , eh ? " OOH ! What a HAM ! But I couldn 't deny it . I was awed by his presence . I was still hopelessly in love . Yes , Mr . Amazing was engaged . And I had another semester of my undergraduate degree to complete . I had finished my Theology major classes and thesis , so the Philosophy major was my focus now . I threw myself into my education . I took 18 credits and audited 2 extra classes ( for fun ) , worked 2 jobs , and never slept . But I was so happy . I loved being Catholic . I loved college . I loved Philosophy . I loved my friends . I didn 't feel incomplete without a boyfriend , and I didn 't feel impatient to get married ; I was content with my lot . And yes , I still loved Mr . Amazing . After I 'd had my good cry - out , I prayed that he and his new bride would be very happy and fulfilled in their vocation ( little did I know then that I was praying for myself ! ) . Miriam and I had grown to be quite close during that time . She had already graduated , but I called her frequently and we corresponded by e - mail . Every once in a while I would ask her about her family and was genuinely interested in their goings - on since I had become enamored of them at Meg and Tim 's wedding . But I did listen a little more attentively when she spoke of Mr . Amazing . She kept telling me how unhappy he was . " How can he be so unhappy when he 's going to be getting married ? " I kept wondering . . . and I prayed for him . Miriam told me often , " She 's not the right girl for him and we can all see it . He 's miserable . " Judging motives , even our own , is a sticky business , but I think I can honestly say that the news made me happy for his sake , and his ex - fiance 's , and not for any " oh , there 's new hope now " on my part . I was really impressed that both of them had the courage to call off a wedding for which others had already bought plane tickets and made arrangements and plans . . . that they didn 't just " go through with it " for fear of embarassment or expense or inconvenience . During the Engaged Encounter weekend they had mutually come to the conclusion that they weren 't suited for each other , and didn 't love each other in a way necessary for the life - giving life - long commitment and Sacrament of Holy Matrimony . Despite both of their efforts , they couldn 't turn their relationship into something it wasn 't , and ultimately they respected each other enough to admit it . It was also during this time that Miriam invited me up for cherry harvest . I should mention that when I first met Miriam and she told me that she lived on a cherry farm , my patronizing response had been , " A cherry farm ? How quaint . " Yeah . . . maybe that 's why we didn 't originally hit it off so well . Anyway , Meg and Diana had both been up for it before and were always telling glory stories ; it was the Summer after my graduation and the first Summer since I was 14 that I didn 't intend to work ! So why not ? I 'm always trying to find the holy grail of the mashed potato . Roasted garlic . Cream cheese . Roasted red peppers . Caramelized onions . Cheese of any kind . Or all of the above . I 've tried ' em all . And they always taste like spruced up mashed potatoes . Yes , they were really good , but they 're all just variations on the theme of the plain kind . Right Now : It 's about 11am . My nieces are doing Reading and Phonics . It 's downright cold outside but I 'm in denial and am keeping the windows open anyway . I 'm also hoping the neighbors won 't complain that we still have 27 chickens in our garage , though Howard the rooster keeps crowing and betraying our secret . They 're going to go out to the farm soon , to their spacious new digs . . . really ! This Weekend : Was not blissful as usual . My husband and his brother are planting some new hay fields , but it 's a massive undertaking . For the past five months I was slowly getting used to having him gone 16 hours a day , 6 days a week and only coming home to eat dinner and go to sleep , but now he had to work on Sunday as well . It was " necessary " labor , and of course we still went to Mass , but I don 't feel refreshed and like I can face another week of this , having been robbed of a Sabbath . I need to bake bread ( this is a weekly happening now that we 're not buying it ) and pick up the slack to do the chores my husband does , since he 's away every waking hour ( and many sleeping hours , too ) . I know I can operate a lawn mower , but we 're just going to have to go without weed - eating around the fence , as that contraption makes me wrists hurt . Time to take out the trash , too . [ Catch up on Parts I - IV here ] Yes , I waited almost until the end of the reception and there had been no offer to dance from My Miriam 's Brother . I 'd tried to remain lively company for my friends , but I couldn 't help it . . . I was sulking . Oblivious to my infatuation , Mr . Amazing had now shunned me three times , and that was unpardonable . I went back to the house where Mr . Amazing 's family was staying , because ( dance stealer ) Diana was lodging there with Miriam . We talked and laughed for a good while ; I chided her for making a move on my man ( I could be quite free with Diana since she wasn 't a member of his family as Miriam and now Meg were ) . Then the family came back . They were carting bottles of champagne ( the wedding reception had been a teetotaler event ) and were in lively spirits . I contended ( and still do ) , that no self - respecting woman can feel happy with the ending of that movie ( although I don 't call into question the timelessness of the beautiful costumes and unforgettable music ) . In the play , Eliza leaves the no - good misogynist flat and marries Freddy , but the Hollywood ending is unbelievable and unsatisfying because without his undergoing any substantial change she goes back to Henry Higgins . Yes , he 's had an awakening that perhaps he hasn 't treated her in a way that respects her dignity as a human person to put it mildly , but all the proud blackguard can say is that he 's " grown accustomed to her face . " Disgraceful ! What ensued shall go down in my personal history as one of the happiest and loveliest evenings of my life . Mr . Amazing and I talked and debated and sparred and laughed until almost dawn . The others had long tired of our philosophical conversations about substance and accidents and essences and principles and had fallen asleep . But it was truly electrifying . I credited it all with the two ounces of champagne I 'd had many hours earlier , but of course the lightheaded dizzy ambrosia giddiness was love . Pardon me the cheesiest line in all of blog - dom . . . but I can 't resist . . . ♫♪ " I could have talked all night , I could have talked all night , and still have begged for more . I could have spread my wings , and done a thousand things , I 've never done before . I 'll never know what made it so exciting ; why all at once my heart took flight . I only know when he began to talk with me I could have talked , talked talked . . . all night ! " ♫♪ I still smile and blush a little when I think about the sweet joy of that evening . When I discovered that on top of his movie star good looks , solicitous sweetness , and saintly piety , that Mr . Amazing 's mind was sharp , agile , and quick . . . I was hopelessly smitten . I spent the night upstairs with Miriam and Diana , and the next morning my awkwardness around Mr . Amazing was gone . I could look and smile at him without timidity or shyness . We 'd had a true meeting of the minds . I flew home more on air than in a plane and promptly did what I knew how to do best . I cooked . Lemon poppyseed muffins , banana nut muffins , and chewy chocolate chip cookies , airmailed to Mr . Amazing 's whole family with little notes to each of them . It would have been far too obvious if I had just sent a note to Mr . Amazing , so I had to write everybody and tell them how much I enjoyed the wedding . Without indicating my adoration in any way , I wanted to make sure that he wouldn 't forget me this time . I had never thought to ask if he was seeing someone else . The thought of it never even occurred to me ; he was so plainly perfect for me . So a month later when I got a call from Miriam , my whole world turned upside down . So I 'm trying to make up for it by making them some coloring pages . I made St . Therese first because her Feast Day was fast approaching at the time , and then St . Francis . . . you can tell he 's a pretty rough drawing . . . and then I got hooked and couldn 't stop . I did almost all of the saints of October , some whose Feasts even fall on a Saturday or Sunday this year . " How can I ever express the happiness of the marriage that is joined together by the Church , strengthened by an offering , sealed by a blessing , announced by angels and ratified by the Father ? . . . How wonderful the bond between two believers with a single hope , a single desire , a single observance , a single service ! They are both brethren and fellow - servants ; there is no separation between them in spirit or flesh ; in fact they are truly two in one flesh and where the flesh is one , one is the spirit . " Tertullian ( Ad Uxorem , II , VIII , 6 - 8 ) . © Copyright 2009 - 2017 . All rights reserved . I 'd be flattered if you want to copy my photos or text , but please link back to the original post .

Something happened to me that day at the Rajghat in Delhi last June . I 'm usually able to write out any given blogpost in one sitting , but I think there were so many cognitive interpretive layers in what I was experiencing that it took me a year to be able to understand all the things that had hit me all at once then . That almost never happens to me , I usually know exactly what I 'm feeling and why . But it 's taken me a year this time . I 'm much better now , but I can never be the same person that I was then . Not at all . Has that ever happened to you , like when everything you ever believed in falls away and for a long time you don 't know which end is up ? You 're as helpless as a newborn baby and wailing just about the same way as when you did when the warm world of the womb that you 'd known for months slowly spat you out and , unbeknownst to you , had been repositioning you for the expulsion for a long time before . The betrayal ! And as the old world fell away , the new one with all its awful noises and light and temperatures made you cry . It is at that time that you , a pruned blind piece of primal meat covered in body - slime , are at your most vulnerable . You need a parent from the new world to shield you , to tell you that everything will be alright , to make sure the predators from that new world don 't sniff you out and eat the squishy lump of meat that is you . The Rajghat incident happened when I was interning in reporting at NDTV in New Delhi . I tried writing this out a few months later at the end of August but couldn 't get very far . All the pictures and colours and sounds and temperatures and textures that I was trying to convey were swirling so fast and phasing in and out of each other , I just couldn 't separate each strand out long enough to lay out in writing before it curled up again and rolled away . It was like trying to unravel a jumble of sticky tape that had been glued onto itself . I 'd try to straighten it out , but the tape would either stick to my fingers or upon its own self even more . So before long I balled up the whole mess and chucked it away . But it still lay there , gathering more dust on its exposed sticky parts . Like when you 're trying to get all the colours of a Rubik 's Cube right so it makes sense , but you just can 't nomatter which way you spin it . You even try to cheat by changing the stickers , but that doesn 't help . You never get to forget the things you left unresolved . I felt frustrated and helpless and a sense of doom . And I was tired . We all were . All the reporters and camera people who had been at the Rajghat that day , some from the previous day , covering the BJP 's protest against the central Congress - led government 's decision to lathi charge Baba Ramdev 's demonstration a few days before . June was turning out to be a busy month politics - wise . I had been put on 5am shifts everyday so far and had been sent out to mostly wait on people everyday . Hang out at the Congress headquarters where I remember the ants floating in the drinking water cooler in the press room . Go find out about the people who had been injured at the lathi charge . I had even spoken to the doctors who had treated the injured . My cameraman and I had had to wait for 3 - 4 hours in the lobby of the GB Pant hospital to speak to the doctors who ran the place . It had been a depressing wait . We all had heat - related headaches and were suffering from heat - exhaustion , and we couldn 't even go back to the newsroom because we had been ordered to get a story . I felt really bad for the camerapeople because they had to lug those huge cameras around . So we waited and waited in the lobby with another cameraperson from another channel too . They told me things . They told me that the Indian public deserved the kind of politicians and leaders it got because the people themselves were stupid . I remember sitting there in the horrible heat of Delhi in June . The lobby wasn 't really a closed - door lobby . It was an open corridor to the outside . I remember I saw a mongoose running past me . A mongoose ? In a hospital ? I 'd leapt and pointed it out to the cameraperson , but he hadn 't been surprised at all . I had wanted to cover that story , of how rodents seemed to skip around quite freely in a famous goverment hospital in the capital of India . Animals carry diseases . They carry fleas . They can chew through equipment and patients ' bodies . What kind of healthcare standard was this ? Why did people care about movie stars and beauty pagaents when theWe were eventually led in to the medical officer 's office . Imagine my fury when I realised that she 'd been in all along and that her secretary had been lying to us about how she hadn 't been in the whole time . My cameraman and I had been baking outside and feeling quite ill for hours . Imagine my shock at how nice her office looked compared to the rest of the hospital that I 'd seen . It was air - conditioned , nice shiny floors , couches , a beautiful shiny desk , like a corporate office . I doubted that the rest of the hospital , where cleanliness was really needed , was like that . The medical officer was nice enough to us though . We were offered ice - cold Coke . We felt grateful . In that kind of heat , one starts to feel like one is breathing fire . A couple of days later I would be laid up in my depressing rented room with heat stroke , lying flat on my back staring at the rickety fan , completely dehydrated and hungry , unable to raise my head because my booming heartbeats pounding on my eardrums wouldn 't let me move enough to order food or water . I felt so pathetic and sorry for myself that day , and I was crying on the inside but couldn 't on the outside because any sort of movement was making my heart pound even louder . I was scared . I thought I was going to die . I wondered what it was that I had been trying to prove to myself . I 'd discovered at the hospital that one woman was in a critical state because her spine had been damaged . She had died later , but the others had suffered non - fatal injuries . The information had been nothing great , the BJP themselves had read out the official statistics about the injured that had been released by the hospitals earlier . So why did they start comparing it to the Jalianwala Bagh massacre ? That was another story I thought needed to be covered . Compare the statistics of how incomparable the two events had been , and that maybe it was grossly irresponsible for a democratic political party to chant slogans and stir up emotions and historical memories of an event where foreign occupiers had massacred the natives of India . Criticising one 's own elected government in a democracy to the extent of its actions makes sense . Constantly repeating established inaccurate information despite knowing it is inaccurate is lying . Deception . At the political level . Political parties often have very passionate followers , most of whom get swept away by one - liner slogans and the charisma of their leaders . That is the nature of the mob . Riots , genocide , even wholesale ethnic cleansings have been the result of irresponsible political behaviour . All over the world . Throughout history . These things can effect people 's identities for generations to come . People still talk about how Europe and its offshoot countries still demonise the rest of the world , the monolith Orient , as the digusting other . It 's part of some of their national behavioural patterns even . And for what ? Lies ? The kind I was seeing in action in front of my very eyes ? And I couldn 't do anything about it because the system was so huge and big and in a flurry that there was no one who wanted to listen . And I was in reporting that month ! If I didn 't express these things , then who would ! Why didn 't the others ? I stood in horror a couple of days later at the Rajghat where the BJP was holding a protest against the Congress - run central government . I tried blogging about it a few months later , but I just wasn 't able to , it was knocking the wind out of me . I 'd abandoned the post after writing the following , after which I abandoned my life for about a year : Picture this : a 29 - year - old female NRI uncomfortably sitting on the edge of a low platform in the shadow of about 10 tripod - hoisted video cameras that look suspiciously like machine guns . The month is June , the city is Delhi , and that brings to mind words like inferno , fire and brimstone , heat exhaustion , and body filth . It is the second day of the BJP protest at the Rajghat . Swarms of sweaty shiny boney Indian people have gathered at the ineffective shamiana by the sectioned - off road . The police is there , the media ( oh , the media ! ) is there , the big politicians are there . The NRI is tired . She has had about half a meal per day over the past week . She has been here since 6am when things were just warm . It is now well into the afternoon , and like a fever , the heat of the sun and the passion of the protesters has been rising , rising , rising . This is the most disgusting season of the year ( second only to the monsoons a few weeks away ) . She has been leaking from every conceiveable pore , her precious skin now looks like burned toast , she has sweated and evaporated in turns so many times that she now has layers of body salt in the most frustrating of places , and there is no place she can go to for relief for miles . She is not even allowed to return to the newsroom , they told her to stay put . There is no escape . So she sits at the foot of the cameras , facing the famous right - wing politicians and their supporters who are making very loud speeches and screeching rude slogans against the Congress party . They go on and on and on , and after a few hours , when the heat is unbearable , when the ear - drum damaging loudspeakers feel like they 're installed inside her brain , howling the same cheap slogans and songs over and over and over and over and over again , when the followers begin to sway like as if in the ( original ) Dum Maaro Dum video , followers who have come from no - name villages from far and wide with their children in their gaudy best to touch the feet of these politicians who will just . not . stop . with . the . scree . ching . . . TheLife cornered me that day , there was no escape . I 'd been out at the protest all day . I 'd been sent there by the input desk to keep an eye out for anything strange . It wasn 't so hot that early in the morning , but it got hot soon . I was out there until around 3pm , and I couldn 't leave any earlier because the desk wanted me out there even though nothing was happening , even though I felt like I 'd been getting sicker and sicker and sicker because of being run ragged over the past week . There were so many reporters there from so many channels and newspapers , most of them hanging out , some of them changing shifts with those who had been there from the previous day . I envied the people with the OB vans , they were sitting somewhere where it was cool and dark . I did enjoy walking around and talking to people for the first few hours . I wondered where the big politicians were . This was supposed to be a continous protest . Many of the followers had stayed out there overnight . I then found out that the star politicians had all gone home at night . They returned towards noon , freshly showered and well - rested and well - fed , unlike their followers who had stayed out at the protest overnight in the horrible heat . I wondered what the point of such a protest was . Napoleon I 've heard used to sleep out on the battlefield with his soldiers . He used to wrap his cloak around himself and go off to sleep . Everything was sleepy and slow until when the big politicians started showing up . That 's when I heard one man calling someone on the phone and telling him to get some supporters out there because they seemed to have more police than party workers around . By then most of the reporters were sitting under the shamiana where all the video cameras had been set up from the day before . You didn 't want to talk to a cameraperson that day . They were all very angry and snappy . And I totally understood how they felt too . Like they were wasting their time . I noticed a lot of things I wished the reporters would bring up instead of just trying to get bites from the famous people . Someone told me that the women who were sitting up on the stage behind the famous politicians slept with them for important political positions . What ! But these were aunties in bhhartiya naari saris and bindis and everything ! Someone pointed out another famous politician up there who was known to run various transport companies as a front for an illegal money - making setup . All the reporters knew about him but couldn 't prove anything because that politician used to keep his trail clean . But , but , but these were the politicians who were howling about corruption in the Congress . They had been using some really tacky low - brow slogans too - " Sonia jiski mummy hai , woh party nikammi hai . " I mean , are you serious , this wasn 't even intelligent , it was like some twisted version of kindergarten . At some point a train of people marched into the shamiana waving their fists in the air in support of the BJP . " They are hired , " I was told . It grew hotter . Noisier . More crowded . People were streaming in from the poorest parts of town with their families and approaching the top politicians where they sat on the stage with their arms folded and chins tilted upwards . The people touched the feet of their leaders . It was blind respect , something bordering worship . The loudspeakers had been playing loud patriotic music the whole time . The leaders were sloganeering along with the music . For hours . 6am . 7am . 8am . 9am . 10am . 11am . 12pm . 1pm . 2pm . 3pm . My head had started hurting , but I had nowhere to go . I had been rotating between the same set of clothes every few days , I wore cheap black flip - flops on my feet . The sun was so bright and hot , my skin had started burning . The skin on my feet was pricking , but there was hardly any place were there was real shade in the severely overcrowded shamiana . There must 've been around 100 - 200 people around , moving , sweating , talking , cheering , swaying to the songs on the loudspeaker that had started hurting my ears . The songs kept saying that India was great and that one 's life had no meaning if it wasn 't spent in service to one 's nation . They said that India was the best country in the world . But it was not ! There were rodents in hospitals , no city had a regular water supply , power shortages were common , the rich exploited the poor , and charismatic people made money off of the emotions of everyone else . Why did the songs have to be so loud , I felt like I was being programmed , like everyone was being programmed . I saw 1 token man with a Muslim cap and a black beard and baleful eyes sitting in the crowd with the party supporters . I don 't think he was Muslim at all . One of NDTV 's reporters nudged me along to go stand next to LK Advani , the grand - daddy of the BJP . An anchor from CNN - IBN was speaking to him then . I stood next to where he sat . I can 't remember what he was saying . I couldn 't believe I was standing 2 inches away from the man that I had grown up seeing only in magazines or in newspapers overseas , the man whom the Muslims of India hated and feared , one of the men who have been named in riots that have resulted in the deaths of Muslims in Ayodhya , one of the men I grew up learning to fear . He was a lot smaller than I 'd expected . Just an old man . Meticulously groomed , dressed very , very clean . Somebody I might 've thought was neat and clean and educated if I had been someone else . He was just another human being - could 've been my uncle , my teacher , my grandfather . He was just another person . How could someone so normal - educated even - do the things he had been accused of ? Did he never think about the people who had died because of irresponsible politics , did he never think about someone like me , hoards of young people whose lives , identities were shaped by the words people like him uttered and the commands they issued ? I found a space under the tripods where the camerapeople still stood . I wanted water , I wanted to eat . They had been handing out little sealed cups of water which were hot as tea . My feet were still burning . I felt dirty and pathetic , like a little animal . It was so noisy and crowded . The NDTV reporter I had been shadowing had stepped away for a minute . I watched the circus play out before me from under the shadow of the tripods . Why was this not bothering anyone ? Why were all the reporters simply telling the people at home about what they could see but not what they could not see ? Isn 't a journalist supposed to think , analyse , see through things ? Suddenly an old man with his limbs in casts was carried onto the stage and almost placed in the laps of the big politicians who cradled him like a baby . They gave the old man a mike . He had been one of those who had been injured at the lathi charge at Baba Ramdev 's demonstration a few days before . Everyone oohed and aahed as the man spoke about the horrible Congress party and then started calling out for Ram Rajya . Someone began to hand out brochures in Hindi about the Ram Janmbhhoomi while another man held up a large collage of newspaper articles that showed how evil the Congress was . People flocked towards the video cameras , eager to show their faces on international TV . One man standing in front of me cried out to the camera about how God had sent Baba Ramdev to the people and how the Congress had condemned the nation in the eyes of God because it had physically attacked God 's messenger . And the politicians on the loudspeakers kept shouting about how the lathi charge had been the Jalianwala Bagh massacre , and that the Congress party was even worse than the British Raj . People cheered them along . And at least 2 / 3rds of the people there , including the people sloganeering , knew that the Jalianwala Bagh comparison was a complete lie . But they still said it ! A tear ran down my cheek . And another . And another . I wanted to get away . I felt like I was the only sane person in a madhouse . The NDTV reporter showed up and saw me looking like a deer caught in headlights under those tripods . She took me away from the crowd and the noise and talked to me . I didn 't know what to say . She had told me a while ago that economists are always excited about how India will have the greatest number of young people in the world because that metric predicts development . But then , she had said that 60 % of those young Indian people were unskilled labour and would be dependent on the other 40 % who would then exploit them . She had earlier pointed out to me the particularly anti - Muslim BJP politicians and how over the years the right - wing had tried to erase the contributions of Indian Muslims from Indian textbooks and had skewed how they were represented . I was told that they had even de - Islamised spoken Hindi by discouraging the use of any Urdu words . They had tried to erase . . . me . The reporter was a kind one . She asked me if I was okay . I had so many thoughts racing through me . I was thinking about 9 / 11 and how people had become viscious and terrible in America and in the world about Islam , how it had effected me for years , how I had tried to understand exactly what was happening and why . I told her that I just couldn 't believe how easily a lie could be made into truth if it was repeated enough times . I had seen young people subscribing to right - wing ideologies everywhere in the world . Educated , intelligent people . I hadn 't been able to understand them , but I had thought there might 've been some truth to what they believed in . But then , who knows what 's true , really ? A few days ago I had asked another reporter why he never felt terrible about the things that went unreported about Baba Ramdev and how people like him exploited other people 's misfortunes and troubles and dreams and feelings for money and power . " I can 't help it if people think he 's Jesus , " I was told . Jesus . God . Angels . Prophets . Crusades . Burning towers . Oil . Beards . Veils . Churches . The Pope . " Go back to the Middle East ! " If a lie can be written in books and passed off as truth , if lies can be passed down in families , in entire communities , if these people then grow up to lead countries and cause the death of innocent people , if not even what one 's own parents teach us about the nature of the universe may be true , if entire countries and movements and governments and national and regional identities can be based on a lie , if it has been happening for eons . . . Some poor old people stopped by where the reporter and I were sitting . They had wanted to know if I was alright . I honestly didn 't know what to say to them because I couldn 't trust anyone around the place . The reporter simplified things for them and told them that I had grown up overseas and was feeling upset about the way things really were in India . The poor people immediately felt bad for me . " Dekho , bitiya , " they said to me , " see how cruel the Congress is , they beat us at the lathi charge where we were following the great Baba Ramdev . . . " I didn 't even say anything . I just shook my head , my tears leaving dirty sticky trails across my sunburned red face . It was not the Congress that was making me cry or the BJP . Or Al - Qaeda or the Republican party or the Taleban . It was them . People who never questioned what they were told and wouldn 't get it even if they saw it in front of them crying on a hot June day . Their leaders didn 't care about them . Their leaders cared about no one . Leaders need followers . Everywhere in the world . In life you 're either a king or a pawn , Napoleon is supposed to have said , an emperor or a fool . Who knows what 's real anymore , who knows what really goes on behind the curtains of power . Who knows who wrote history . Who knew that this new world I was suddenly seeing - a world where people lied and didn 't bat an eyelid about the staggering human consequences of their lies - could be so simple in its ugliness . And the only person who 'd been missing from the whole scene throughout history ? God . at Just read this post of yours . I can understand why it must have taken you a long time to pen it down . Reading it I felt like I could almost put myself in your place and feel all your frustrations and emotions . I 'm glad you made it through though . Once upon a time , I used to sing all the time . Song was speech . We sang first thing in the morning at school during prayers and anthems . I s . . . I 'm 29 . I should have had a husband by now . A well - groomed , kind , and ambitious husband who hugs me and tells me I 'm pretty and buys me smal . . .

I am in a low place right now . The political climate is eating me alive . Every day it feels like there is a new disaster , and I feel like one of the dogs in the learned helplessness experiments . Remember those studies from Psych 101 ? A dog that received an electrical shock that it couldn 't avoid eventually learned to give up and quit trying . I feel that way . I 'm shocked every , single day , and I don 't know how to not just give up . But I 'm NOT giving up , and that is what today is about . The political maelstrom may scream all around me , but I will find the little things that give me peace and happiness . Stolen joys . They say you can 't judge someone until after walking a mile in their shoes . This means you can never judge me because I will not let you WEAR my boots . So there . They are lovely and warm and waterproof , and I ordered them on a Tuesday , and they arrived on Wednesday . I 've never had free shipping mean " get it in 24 hours " before ! Yeah , same kid . He has anxiety issues and some irrational fears . Well , to me they are irrational ; to him they make perfect sense . But this kid who is so afraid of getting hurt went to a school skating party and decided he was going to learn to skate . He spent a lot of time sitting on the floor , and he was a walking bruise , but by the end of the evening , there was this : It 's also Girl Scout Cookie time ! All the district cookies were distributed in the zoo 's lower parking lot today . I could have staged a heist and made off with a semi loaded with the things , but I didn 't . My new siphon at work . It sucks . Like , in the literal good way . It has revolutionized maintenance of one of my exhibits . If you have a decent - sized aquarium , don 't go with the cheap knock - offs . Go for name - brand Pythons . No , they didn 't sponsor my post ( they can if they want to , though ! ) . It 's just a product that works beautifully ! The Bloggess held her second annual Booksgiving , which was an opportunity for people to gift one another books via Amazon wishlists . I received Spanish Harry Potter on Sunday . I am planning a trip to the Galapagos to study Giant Tortoises , and I want to increase my Spanish fluency . Reading is a great way to do that . And then today I came home and found The Bloggess ' own book in my mailbox ! Someone had bought a second book for me ! Is there anything better than the kindness of strangers ? I am not a political person . I never have been , though I was partner in crime ( mostly postal ) to my grandfather , who trained me to knock on doors and hand out fliers and to vote Democrat no matter what . He drove me from house to house and waited in the car while I gamely canvassed the neighborhoods , knocking on doors , my shy self hoping beyond hope that no one would answer and I wouldn 't have to speak to a neighbor , or worse , a stranger . A few times , when the driver 's seat was obscured by an obliging holly tree or overgrown shrub , I would stuff the flier in the mailbox , despite Granddaddy 's stern admonitions , and beat a hasty retreat , claiming the family wasn 't home and praying that no one saw me commit a felony . Years passed , and so did my grandfather . I voted in almost every election , even midterms , in his honor . But sometimes I didn 't vote a straight Democratic ticket because I actually knew something about the issues . Sometimes , I determined , an Independent , or Granddaddy forbid , a Republican , would serve better . But I avoided politics whenever I could - at family gatherings , church . Occasionally , I would indulge in some online stuff , but I was always left without hope . Why , I reasoned , should I commit so much energy and outrage to something I have absolutely no control over . If I can 't control it at all , I avoid it . Last week , I couldn 't stop crying . I have a chronic liver condition , and it had been triggered . I 'm drinking close to a gallon of water a day now , so toxins get flushed by my kidneys when my liver has better things to do , and physically I have stayed healthy . But the psych symptoms are terrible . Anxiety , depression , and mood swings are often the result . So I blamed my liver for my tears and just drank a bit of extra water to compensate for the water lost through my leaking eyes . When I suddenly burst into uncontrollable tears last Saturday morning , I finally had to admit that there was an actual reason for my tears . Its name is the GOP . I had watched for a couple of days as Congress began its process to dismantle the Affordable Care Act like a toddler with a hammer . And it was a partisan move . They did it gleefully because they could , to erase the legacy of the most decent President in recent memory . It was the glee that got me . Why are they so hell - bent on removing health care from millions of Americans ? And what is going to happen to me ? Rare , preexisting conditions for both myself and the Padawan . Can I afford to continue a job where I make a difference , or do I have to take something that pays better so we don 't go bankrupt ? I screamed and sobbed , and I told my husband " I have to DO something . I need to know that I am not alone , that there are other people out there who are not just as outraged , but are also willing to DO something about it . " I made an off - hand remark that I needed to " go to the women 's march or something . " And so it began . I took steps . I announced my intention on social media for accountability because depression can turn me inside out and leave me immobilized . I checked on transportation . I cried all day at work , and I planned . If I could find a friendly driveway in Virginia , I could sleep in my car . An offer of a driveway appeared . And then a dear , dear friend said , " I want to go , too . Let 's go together . " And suddenly I WASN ' T alone . And within 2 hours , a ride appeared . And a hotel . And then the hotel evaporated as the offer of a house was made . And people I have never met have stepped up to make me hats to wear . And suddenly , this trip that I had recklessly committed myself to became a reality , and an affordable one . $ 10 for the Metro ticket . And I 'm going . I march because I object to a President who admitted to assaulting women . And then when those women step forward and say " Yes , he did that , " he threatens to sue anyone who comes forward . Because he knows HE has the money to fight it and they don 't . I march because I cannot live with a President who is so ungodly . I am a devout Christian , and I object to a man who calls himself Christian but breaks the 10 Commandments publicly . He believes it is just fine for him to lie . And then he lies about lying , even though there is clear evidence . He is either so lazy or stupid that he doesn 't delete his old tweets , or he doesn 't think it matters . I march because I object to a President who takes so many financial risks that he has filed for bankruptcy four times . I am a fiscal conservative . A President is a steward of our country 's resources . He is already a bad one . I march because I cannot abide a President who insists on spending public money to have Trump Tower as a second home for part of each week . Secret service , outfitting for security , etc ? That 's on our dime , folks . I march because I cannot tolerate a President who doesn 't understand the meaning of public service . This is a lark . He 's taking off for the weekend . Presidenting is a 9 - 5 job , I guess . The first chapter is called " Marriage Isn 't That Great , " and I 've been chewing on that title for the last two weeks . And you know what ? They 're kind of right . Marriage changes everything . Husband and I dated for three years before tying the knot . We knew each other well , or at least we thought we did . We were starry - eyed idiots . " I do " turns into " What have I DONE ? " and moonlit walks become mortgage payments with the speed of Seabiscuit on crack . When we were dating , a professor told us that he and his wife knew each other well . " I know my wife will eat the last piece of chocolate cake without telling me , " he said in class one day . " And she knows that I will , too . " How horrible , I thought . Not only would I leave my beloved the last piece of cake , I would set it out on a plate with his name on it and draw a bunch of hearts around it so that he will know how loved he is . Fast - forward 21 years , and not only do I hide all the good treats in an empty tampon box so he won 't touch it , I don 't even want to share the FIRST piece of a cake . I got a chocolate ganache cake at a cake walk . When husband asked what ganache is , I may have told him it means " antelope testicle . " And he didn 't believe me because 1 / 4 of the cake was gone the following morning . Marriage is HARD . There 's a reason the expression " The honeymoon is over " exists . When we were dating , the toughest thing we had to agree on was where we were going to eat . Now it 's " Whose turn is it to do dishes / laundry / lunches / grocery shopping ? " Dating is a time we put our best foot forward , even while we were planning that trip down the aisle . We used to whisper sweet nothings like " You 're so beautiful ! " " I could hold you forever . " " I love you so much , my heart hurts . " Now our whispers are more like " I haven 't pooped in two weeks . " " What is that smell ? Was that you ? Dear God in heaven ! See a doctor ! " And " I would give you the MOON ! " becomes " Another cat ? Are you serious ? The MOON , woman ! I offered you THE MOON ! The moon doesn 't use a litter box ! " Marriage is not for the faint of heart . Marriage is laundry on the floor , reading when your partner would rather be talking , talking when your partner would rather be reading , paying utilities and mowing the lawn . It 's responsibility . It 's constantly fighting our natural selfish instincts to keep from killing one another in " The Great Covers War . " It 's learning the real meaning of " In sickness and in health , " when you watch your partner develop a potentially debilitating illness . It 's the storm , but it 's also the calm after . It 's reaching in your lunch bag and finding a surprise package of animal crackers . It 's knowing that he ate some testicle - free ganache cake , but discovering that he also bought a bag of Sweet Tango apples because he ate the last one and he knows they 're your favorite . It 's my heart skipping a beat when he walks in the room , not because he scared me , but because he still looks good to me after all these years . It 's the coming home and finding the kitten you 've wished for sitting on your pillow after work . * * for the record , it loads onto an e - reader as a PDF file , but it reads just fine . My Kobo isn 't very PDF - friendly , but it reads like any other book . Don 't let " PDF " scare you . Some posts , like my last one , are so easy to write . The words and images flow to the page in no time . This post isn 't one of those . I 've pondered it for weeks on end . How do I say it just right , so that I don 't look like a crazy person do the topic justice ? Will I say it right ? Will I embarrass myself ? My family ? The cats ? They would never forgive me . So here goes , for better or for worse . I have experienced depressive episodes for most of my life , for different reasons . I know now that I have a congenital liver disorder that can affect my whole body , including my moods . The psych symptoms are the hardest to deal with , and it doesn 't help to remind myself that these feelings aren 't " real , " that they are a biological reaction to a missing enzyme . It also doesn 't help to remind myself that I should be grateful for what I have . I can 't be grateful for my beautiful family when all I can remember is how I have let them down . I know I have a great job , two of them , actually , but I can 't think about it without thinking of all the balls I have let drop or how I could be better . Depression is a beast . It 's a paralytic . I cannot appreciate the big things because they are just too , too big , a shadow looming overhead . Sometimes in the thick of it , I need the little things , things small enough to hold in my paralyzed hands . So there you go . My tiny things . Kittens . Forever and ever and ever . Ravenclaw and Pandora are sometimes what keeps me going . I can put one foot in front of the other if I know that in an hour or two , I can cover myself in baby kittens and peace out . And they sleep beside me , and they keep me company , and even when they are grown up cats , they will be my refuge . Ravenclaw 's love language is a game called " Imma trip you until you pick me up and hold me like a little baby . " And Pandora 's is " Imma lick your eyeballs in the middle of the night . " I don 't even have to think about whether or not I deserve their love . Deserve it or not , they 're serving it up . My plants . I might have a problem , you know . I have a green thumb , and I LOVE to grow things . The only tiny wrinkle here is that I only have one window for winter when all the plants come IN . And five cats . F - I - V - E cats . But my plants help me to keep going . A rescue hibiscus . I love hibiscus in general , and this one has beautiful double blooms . It is looking rather sorry for itself at the moment , but I have two months to bring it back ! A fern I started from spores , a cactus that was on exhibit with one of my beloved snakes , a cinnamon tree that I have been working to make a start of for 6 months . Part of my pets on my back deck . All those gonna fit on one window sill ? Of COURSE ! The more complicated it is to grow a cultivore , the more I like it . Maybe when I have success with the tough ones , it proves I can do something right , despite the voices in my head to the contrary . Harry Potter . And it doesn 't bother me at all to say it . I love being in a world that has Harry Potter , and even NEW Harry Potter things . And I can cos - play with the best of them . I won an award at The Cursed Child book release party . Best Costume Overall . I feel proud to be a part of it . ( If you click to enlarge the images , you will see the Playboy mags on the shelf behind me ) Cherries . There are cherries in the world . I guess they are out of season now , but that means it will be less than a year before they are BACK on shelves . I couldn 't find a license - free image of cherries , and they are not available now . so I drew you some . I am a giver . Friendship in unexpected places . We had a Harry Potter event at the zoo , and I had too much work to do and couldn 't participate . But the people running the event didn 't want me to miss out . They made me a magic wand . With Slytherin sparkles and a ribbon that looks like snake - skin . I am humbled every time I look at it . So I last wrote about my church 's study titled " Unhurried , " and specifically Psalm 46 : 10 " Be still and know that I am God . " Being still and letting someone else be in charge are almost antithetical to my being , but I committed to try . And so of course the next day there was an ice - fest that resulted in yours truly being over two hours late for work . Guess who doesn 't handle work delays with grace ? If you guessed me , you 're RIGHT ! I paced . I checked the roads about every ten minutes in the hopes that a warm front had melted all the ice . In the end , I had to wait for a salt truck . I don 't like not being able to go to work , but there was nothing I could do about it . Not one little thing . When I had a desk job , a snow day wasn 't a big deal . It was a rare project that couldn 't be put off a day or two . But zoos are different . The work has to be done . Animals need to be cleaned and fed , and if I can 't do it , it means … asking for help . I … might have a problem with that , too . I 'll work on that some other time . So today I was late . And I had to let it go . I had to let go of not being able to drive on the roads , but also I had to let go of the worry about what my co - workers thought about me not being there . That kills me . My neighborhood is curvy , hilly , and gets more snow than the homes a half - mile away . Would people think I was slacking ? And I had to accept that I couldn 't control that . And I feel like I need to go lie down after typing that sentence . I could not control it . Not my ship . Not my ship . I let go of some other things , too . Today was good practice . When I was in a place that made me want to weep with frustration ( which happened more often that I want to admit . I 'm still raw from Sunday , ya 'll ! ) , I dusted off the Serenity Prayer , reminding myself that some things don 't change . The siphon hose that refuses cooperate did the same thing last week and the week before . Why am I disappointed that it isn 't suddenly and magically different ? And the siphon for the giant aquatic exhibit is going to inexplicably lose suction as I 'm working . ( Siphons . I see a pattern here . Was the theme that sometimes things suck ? Or things that are supposed to suck , but don 't actually suck , really suck ? ) So I let the water pour all over the floor rather than expecting the tube would stay in the drain . And I climbed down from the giant exhibit six times to restart the siphon . And I didn 't die from it . I didn 't exactly accept it , either . I whined and moaned a little , but I thought about it . And thinking is good . I can 't change how I see things without being constantly conscious of it . Thank you to everyone who read , liked , and commented on yesterday 's post . Each one is a treasure . I was afraid I would be rather alone with my thoughts on this Lenten journey . Not everyone is interested in longreads on religion , so I appreciate everyone who took the time to spend any time here at all . It 's good not to be alone . And tomorrow ? You get baby tortoises . See ? Good trade , right ? Today was not my first Lenten service . But it was the first one that made me cry . I used all the tricks at my disposal when I felt the tears welling up . I quit listening to the minister and told myself a story . I stared at the floor . I counted all the spotlights over the left side of the church ( 16 ) , and all the chairs in the center row that I could see without turning my head ( ten across , six deep ) . I even went through the alphabet using the Bible verse projected on the screen ( It contained 17 different letters . Am I the only one who does this ? ) . I was mostly successful , I think . The storm didn 't abate when I got home , either . It broke over me , and I locked the bedroom door and sat in my closet on my Bertie Botts beanbag chair ( don 't judge ; you know you wish you had one , too ) and cried and prayed for a long time . I was blindsided by the depth of my feeling , and the kicker is , I 'm not even sure what that feeling was . It was far too tangled to parse , and it wasn 't just one emotion . Anger , frustration , fear , a profound hopelessness all blended with an unhealthy mix of mystery ingredients . And what spawned this whole mess ? A Bible verse that I 've known for a lot of years . It 's the focus of our Lenten devotions . It would make perfect sense if it pertained to sin , and guilt , and hell . Yeah , not so much . The verse ? Psalm 46 : 10 : " Be still , and know that I am God . " Not the merest whiff of hell fire therein contained . " Be still . " That phrase right there is what got to me , shocked me , rocked me to my very core . Be still . It is terrifying in its simplicity . How do I do that ? I don 't even pretend to know . I 've heard this verse a thousand times . Why is it so earth - shattering now ? The verse holds even more meaning when taken in context with the verses immediately before and after . Imagine the ground crumbling into the sea , mountains imploding , the world as we know it turning literally and figuratively inside - out and upside - down . God says , even then , even in the midst of complete and utter chaos , we 're to trust Him . He 's got this . He can speak the Word , and the world will melt . That 's an image , isn 't it ? That picture of the world ? That 's me , inside my head , every minute of every day for the last year or so . Inexplicable anxiety chews me up , as if I can change the world by worrying about it . My brain moves at about a thousand miles an hour , my thoughts ricocheting off one another like pin balls . Those thoughts dash away from me , leaving me empty - handed , forgetful , to the point where I am completely ineffectual as a wife , a parent , an employee , and I despair of ever getting back on the right track . What if this is as good as it gets ? That thought right there is enough to send me right on over the edge , friends . Stillness is not the same as paralysis . I 'm often stuck in the latter , so many weird useless worries drawing together , it 's like all four of the Stooges trying to cram through a doorway at once . Things get blocked up in a jam that 's only remotely funny from the outside . How can I be still when I can 't even seem to move forward ? If I were any more still , I tell myself , I 'd be going backward . I 'm full of self - love like that . Being still feels like giving up any hope of productivity . The image in my brain is a tortoise sleeping through the winter . They barely move , the very picture of stillness . I mean , they don 't even poop . Being still maybe means not dropping projects on my to - do list , but instead handing over all the things I am not actually in charge of , demanding of myself that I quit trying to steer the ship when it ain 't my ship . I am not a fan . Can I separate what is mine from what is God 's , or my husband 's , or my church 's , or my kids ' ? What if everything falls to bits because I take my foot off of the gas ? How do I wait when I don 't trust ? It 's not God that I don 't trust , it 's the humans into whose hands He has put his work . Potato , po - tah - to . Not my ship . Not my ship . Not my ship . I gave up two things for Lent : sweets , and backseat driving . The irony that I am willing to let my husband navigate the Buick without my input but I 'm struggling not to micr0 - manage God is not lost on me . Stillness is a foreign concept , and the notion of consciously seeking it during this season of Lent is overwhelming . Already I feel like I have no control over so many things , so how do I just turn over the reins ? My honest answer : I don 't know . What I do know is that I want to try . The what - ifs pile up , thoughts to chew on in that stillness - what if I discover my head is really just full of tumbleweeds ? What if this downward spiral of mind and body is the beginning of a terrible end ? What if Windows 10 is the best that Microsoft will ever do ? But maybe I can counter those thoughts with the tiniest glimmer of hope . What if I didn 't have to be in charge of it all ? What if I can sit in the stillness and have peace ? My thoughts are too big to fit into a single blog post . I 've already sailed past my personal maximum and had to slide this into the long - reads category . Imagine how long it would be if I hadn 't whittled some stuff out . But this idea of stillness is just way too big . It also reaches well beyond religion , and doctrine , and creed ? Stillness , giving up steering other people 's ships , might be a good prescription for anyone . How about you ? When is the last time you quit backseat driving the universe ? Was it difficult or liberating ? I really want to hear about your experience . You can answer in the comments , on Twitter , or just email me . 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I use a tip I learned from Bonnie Hunter and pin them together in groups of 10 . Makes it much easier to keep track of . These are trimmings from 202 HST 's . I have had quite the struggle with Callie and my cutting mat . She insists on helping . LOL I must have put her down at least 8 times , then just gave up . LOL So I work around a big fluffy cat . I have to bribe her with treats to get a little free time for picture taking . I know , I am a pushover where my baby is concerned . Now that I have all of those HST 's done , it is on to making blocks . There are 3 different blocks in this quilt , so I made one of each to make sure everything is going together right . Whew ! It is . LOL Tomorrow I 'm ready to start putting the blocks together . It should go pretty quickly now . I am enjoying this quilt , I only work with my sewing machine for a couple of hours a day . I thought that might keep me from burning out again . I finished quilting Birds and Blooms , but haven 't gotten a picture yet . I have 3 projects that are now waiting for bindings . I found a scrap baby quilt that I pieced last summer . I have been quilting very simple lines in it while watching tv . I am enjoying that as well . I think I am officially out of my slump . LOL It is windy here today and supposed to be worse tomorrow . Kevin says he wants to get some garden space tilled tomorrow . So maybe we will finally get some garden planted . ( grin ) Supposed to be severe storms coming in Friday . Hmm , that is my grocery day . Figures ! I may postpone errand day . I hate driving in storms . Hello , I tried to do this post on Friday , but for some reason every time I tried to load a picture , it failed . So I gave up . I am going to try again today . Kevin sent me fabric shopping on Friday . He said that always cheers me up . LOL I decided to do a Judy Laquidara project called Daisy Stars . I took my printed off pattern with me and pretty much picked fabric that matched Judy 's . I liked her choices . She has great taste . Why mess with what works ? LOL I bought this fabric at Wal Mart . Some don 't like Wal Mart fabrics , but as long as I watch what I am getting , I have no problems with it . I don 't have a lot of choice around here . The fabric cutting lady told me that they would stop selling fabric next year . Bummer ! That just leaves JoAnn 's and Hobby Lobby to buy fabric in my area . Isn 't it cute ? I don 't have any plans for this quilt , just decided to make it for fun . Here is the fabric that I picked . I only bought one extra fabric that I have no plans for , so it goes in the stash . I was so proud of myself for not buying lots of extra , but couldn 't resist this one . It is so pretty . It has been over 4 months since I have used my cutting mat . Callie has a thing about laying on it , encouraging me as I cut and plan blocks . I am thinking she has missed this quality time with her ' mom ' . LOL As soon as I laid the fabric on the cutting mat to take pictures , she jumped right up there . Look how she is smiling . She is ready to help ' mom ' again . LOL I have the fabric all ready to start cutting . Now , I am going to get off here , put a new blade in my rotary cutter and get with it . It has rained here since Thursday evening , so I don 't even have to feel guilty about anything . Nothing we could do outside anyway . I have things cooked up in the fridge for us to eat , so what is stopping me ? LOL See you all later . Thanks for visiting and have a lovely Sunday . Posted by I know that title probably doesn 't excite many , but it sure does me . I will tell you about my lilacs . I have lived here for almost 33 years . I moved in with my husband after our wedding . This place had no lilacs . Where I grew up we had lilacs . They are my favorite flower and I look forward to their blooms every spring . Now I tried to plant lilacs here more times than I can remember . I have transplanted starts from friends , my MIL , my parents ' home , and several different mail order companies . They never survive more than 2 seasons . I decided that I just wasn 't supposed to have lilacs . So I would just enjoy them at other homes . Then about 5 years ago , our daughter , Carolyn gave me some starts from hers to try one more time . She gave me several starts , but as usual , they all died , except one . ( grin ) I was so excited when it survived . I added some fertilizer and blood meal . I put a guard around it . I carried water to it . When I had goats , I warned them to leave my lilac bush alone . LOL I didn 't quite trust them , so Kevin helped me put a fence around it . LOL I have babied this plant so much . Then last year , I decided there was no use . It would never have blooms , but just keep spreading and be green . I was disappointed , but ok with that . So you can imagine how thrilled I was to find blooms this week while out walking in the yard ! I have a blooming lilac ! While out and about in the yard , I took a couple of pictures of our fruit trees . Looks like we may have some cherries this year . These are tart cherries that make great pies . Our original tree blew down several years ago , but a couple of trees came up from dropped cherries . They are just now starting to put enough cherries on to do some good . We have a couple of apple trees . I was shocked to see blooms on them . Our goats were not kind to them , so I just figured they would never bear fruit . I hope this means we might actually get a few apples . I need to get my books out and reread about pruning . It will have to wait till next winter , but if they are actually going to have fruit , I need to start pruning again . We also have a couple of pear trees , 3 peach trees , some raspberries , blackberries , and grapes . Maybe this will be a fruitful year ! ( grin ) Thank you all for your ideas to get me out of my slump . I think I am on my way to getting my mojo back . I have worked on my Birds and Blooms for 2 evenings in a row . I have just a little bit of the top border left to quilt . I have also been looking through some books and magazines to spark an interest in a new project . Also thinking about a fabric shopping trip . Yep , I am slowly getting back into the groove . ( grin ) Bren and Chris asked what tube piecing was . I think it is actually called tube quilting , but it looks more like piecing to me . LOL Anyway , here is a link that shows how to do it . It really does look neat , but mine didn 't line up quite the way theirs did . That 's ok , I figured it out anyway . LOL I hope this link works . If not , I will try again . I guess you all noticed that I did not post again last week . I am in such a slump . I have not gone this long without quilting since I began , over 3 years ago . I keep thinking I want to do something , but just can 't get started . I have not used my sewing machine since Christmas . Well , I did mend a pair of Kevin 's jeans , but that doesn 't count because I hate mending . LOL I have even been sitting in front of the tv with nothing in my hands to work on . What is wrong with me ? I never do that . Any ideas on how to get my mojo back ? About every 3 evenings , I do work on some redwork , but can 't even do that consistently . Maybe I just needed a break from crafts , but I want to get back on the ball . Hmm , I have a couple of projects that I need to finish piecing and several flimsies to quilt , but maybe I just need to start a new project . What do you think ? Now after writing all that , I will say that spring is a busy time of the year for us . I have been working outside a lot . I love when it gets warm enough that I can hang my clothes on the line . I do that all spring , summer , and fall . We have been cleaning up after the rough winter , burning , and mowing . I will soon be planting some garden . I use to always have garden planted before the middle of March , but not this year . Last year , spray from the field across the road stunted our garden . We got nothing from it . So this year we decided to wait a little while to plant in hopes that they will get their spraying done before we have anything up . Our old neighbors have passed on and their property sold . The new people are not careful about spraying . We never use to have to worry about spray drift . Those days are gone . Ok , enough belly aching . I have dishes to do , bananas to use up , meat loaf to fix , and animals to feed . So I will post a few pictures of some redwork , then get with it . While in KC I started A Tisket a Tasket by Bunny Hill . This was a BOM last year , but I never got around to starting it , so I am only a year behind . LOL Jan . 's block Ok , not sure what is going on , but I am having a terrible time getting my pictures and captions to show up where I want them to . I now have April and May 's blocks done , but haven 't taken pictures of them yet . I am working on June . I need to get busy . This took longer than I expected . I will try to get back later in the week . Everyone have a great day . Thank you for visiting . Posted by I made it back again . I thought I would share our Easter with you . We usually have a whole family gathering for Easter , but everything was so crazy this year , we decided to just chill instead . Kevin and I grilled burgers and hot dogs . They sure were good . That afternoon , Isaiah and Madison came out . Isaiah helped his dad work on the brakes of our truck while I played with Madison . She has grown so much since Christmas . She sits up now and jabbers away . She has two bottom teeth . She loves her daddy . In fact , she doesn 't really want him out of her sight . LOL I know the feeling is mutual . Isaiah takes such good care of his daughter . Look at those teeth shining through . Isaiah looking at his daughter . Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that our children are all grown up with children of their own . Time really does fly by when your family is young . I tried my hand at tube piecing . Mine didn 't quite come out like it was supposed to , but I made it work . I love this black fabric . I have used it in several projects , but will soon be out of it . I made this table runner from the tube piecing . I quilted this while I was in Kansas City . Now it just needs a binding and to be washed . Here is a closeup of one of the center blocks . Of course , you know I have to share the back . This one really looks neat on the back , if I do say so myself . ( grin ) I really think I am about ready to get back to quilting . I have done nothing since being home . I just needed some time to kick back and relax . Of course , I couldn 't do that till I had the house back in order . LOL I have even sat in front of the tv for the past few evenings with absolutely nothing in my hands to work on . That is very unusual for me . I am starting to feel the call of my fabric , though . Speaking of call . . . . I talked to Noah on the phone the other day . He said , ' Grandma , when are you going to come back home ? ' How sweet is that ? He thinks I belong at their home now . ( grin ) I told him I would come visit soon . That seemed to satisfy him , so then he started rambling on about Sponge Bob . LOL Izzie got on the phone too , then had a fit when her mama tried to get it away from her . I do miss them . Well , I need to get some things done around here . Thanks for visiting . Have a great day . Posted by Do you all remember me ? I thought I would be gone for a couple of weeks , but it ended up being a couple of months . I have been in Kansas City watching Noah and Izabella , two of our grandchildren . Their father is from Mexico . He and our daughter flew down there the first part of Feb . Ten days later , Hazel returned to KC , but Ivan went on to Mexico City to visit his family . Hazel had to go back to work and needed someone to take care of the kids for her . So of course , grandma stepped in . ( grin ) I got so close to those two little darlings . Noah is 4 and Izzie will be 2 in May . I will admit that at first it was rather hard . After all , I haven 't had children that young for at least 18 years , but I soon got used to it . We had a few bumps along the way , but everyone survived . LOL Not long after I got there , I decided to cut some bangs for Izzie . Her hair is very fine and I couldn 't keep a barrette in it . It was always hanging down in her eyes . I made the mistake of cutting them in front of Noah . A few days later I was sitting at the computer when I noticed how quiet it was . Hmm , not good ! LOL Noah had pushed a toy up to the kitchen counter and got the scissors down . Yep ! He cut the whole right side of Izzie 's hair off . I just stood there gasping when I saw her . Noah took off and hid under his sleeping bag . LOL I found him and explained that only adults could cut hair . He must have understood , because he never did it again . His mama wasn 't too happy when she saw it , but it will grow back . So Hazel tried to straighten the mess up . Now it looks like a boy 's haircut , but it will grow back . Right ? We also had some issues with a certain little girl getting in the bathroom and pouring whole bottles of shampoo in the tub . I think that happened 3 times , till I finally started keeping the door shut . The problem was that Noah would forget to shut it when he pottied . Then Izzie found the butter I had out softening for grilled cheese sandwiches . Hmm , yes , I had a greasy girl to take care of . LOL But all in all , things weren 't too bad . After all , I was there for 2 months . Hazel and I took them to the park a couple of times when the weather was nice enough . We had lots of snow in this 2 month period , so outings were sparse . They had so much fun on this slide . This is Hazel , Izzie , and Noah at the park . I had so much fun with the kids , but I was so glad to get back home to my husband and kitties . Kevin did a wonderful job of keeping everything going around here while I was gone . The cats were both mad at me for a few hours after I got home , but were all over me after I went to bed . LOL Something how cats pout . I got some projects done while I was gone , but not as much as I figured . I spent alot of my time just playing with the kids . Izzie was fascinated with my hand quilting . She would run her little fingers over the quilted stitches , just like a quilter . I think I have a future quilter in the family . ( grin ) I keep all of my notions for quilting in a little purple zippered pouch . Goodness . I had to keep that on top of the mantel . She just could not resist it . LOL This is the first thing I finished hand quilting . I still need to put the binding on and wash it . The blue you see is a washout pencil . This is a Thimbleberries ' pattern , but I can 't remember the name . It was a lot of fun and quilted very quickly . Straight lines are easier . Here is a closeup of the pumpkin block . Here is a closeup of the star block . Whew ! I think I have almost gotten through this post . It has been so long , I was afraid I would forget how . As you can see , I finally figured out how to change my blog appearance . I have tried numerous times to change it . Then I tried something new and it worked . ( grin ) I also updated the pictures of our grandbabies . This year has been rough so far for us . I think things are finally getting back on track . The merry - go - round is slowing down so that I can get off and get back to my normal life . I also want to thank everyone for the birthday wishes to me a little over a month ago . I really did appreciate it . I did not like Hazel 's computer , so seldom used it . Besides every time I got on the computer , the kids got into something . Remember the haircut ? LOL I hope to be back tomorrow and get into the groove of posting again . I am also trying to catch up with all my blog reading , but it may take a while . So until later . . . Thank you for visiting . Have a great day . I am an empty nest mama of 5 , grandma of 5 , and have been a wife for 35 years . We live on a small farm in northwest Missouri . View my complete profile

I use a tip I learned from Bonnie Hunter and pin them together in groups of 10 . Makes it much easier to keep track of . These are trimmings from 202 HST 's . I have had quite the struggle with Callie and my cutting mat . She insists on helping . LOL I must have put her down at least 8 times , then just gave up . LOL So I work around a big fluffy cat . I have to bribe her with treats to get a little free time for picture taking . I know , I am a pushover where my baby is concerned . Now that I have all of those HST 's done , it is on to making blocks . There are 3 different blocks in this quilt , so I made one of each to make sure everything is going together right . Whew ! It is . LOL Tomorrow I 'm ready to start putting the blocks together . It should go pretty quickly now . I am enjoying this quilt , I only work with my sewing machine for a couple of hours a day . I thought that might keep me from burning out again . I finished quilting Birds and Blooms , but haven 't gotten a picture yet . I have 3 projects that are now waiting for bindings . I found a scrap baby quilt that I pieced last summer . I have been quilting very simple lines in it while watching tv . I am enjoying that as well . I think I am officially out of my slump . LOL It is windy here today and supposed to be worse tomorrow . Kevin says he wants to get some garden space tilled tomorrow . So maybe we will finally get some garden planted . ( grin ) Supposed to be severe storms coming in Friday . Hmm , that is my grocery day . Figures ! I may postpone errand day . I hate driving in storms . Hello , I tried to do this post on Friday , but for some reason every time I tried to load a picture , it failed . So I gave up . I am going to try again today . Kevin sent me fabric shopping on Friday . He said that always cheers me up . LOL I decided to do a Judy Laquidara project called Daisy Stars . I took my printed off pattern with me and pretty much picked fabric that matched Judy 's . I liked her choices . She has great taste . Why mess with what works ? LOL I bought this fabric at Wal Mart . Some don 't like Wal Mart fabrics , but as long as I watch what I am getting , I have no problems with it . I don 't have a lot of choice around here . The fabric cutting lady told me that they would stop selling fabric next year . Bummer ! That just leaves JoAnn 's and Hobby Lobby to buy fabric in my area . Isn 't it cute ? I don 't have any plans for this quilt , just decided to make it for fun . Here is the fabric that I picked . I only bought one extra fabric that I have no plans for , so it goes in the stash . I was so proud of myself for not buying lots of extra , but couldn 't resist this one . It is so pretty . It has been over 4 months since I have used my cutting mat . Callie has a thing about laying on it , encouraging me as I cut and plan blocks . I am thinking she has missed this quality time with her ' mom ' . LOL As soon as I laid the fabric on the cutting mat to take pictures , she jumped right up there . Look how she is smiling . She is ready to help ' mom ' again . LOL I have the fabric all ready to start cutting . Now , I am going to get off here , put a new blade in my rotary cutter and get with it . It has rained here since Thursday evening , so I don 't even have to feel guilty about anything . Nothing we could do outside anyway . I have things cooked up in the fridge for us to eat , so what is stopping me ? LOL See you all later . Thanks for visiting and have a lovely Sunday . Posted by I know that title probably doesn 't excite many , but it sure does me . I will tell you about my lilacs . I have lived here for almost 33 years . I moved in with my husband after our wedding . This place had no lilacs . Where I grew up we had lilacs . They are my favorite flower and I look forward to their blooms every spring . Now I tried to plant lilacs here more times than I can remember . I have transplanted starts from friends , my MIL , my parents ' home , and several different mail order companies . They never survive more than 2 seasons . I decided that I just wasn 't supposed to have lilacs . So I would just enjoy them at other homes . Then about 5 years ago , our daughter , Carolyn gave me some starts from hers to try one more time . She gave me several starts , but as usual , they all died , except one . ( grin ) I was so excited when it survived . I added some fertilizer and blood meal . I put a guard around it . I carried water to it . When I had goats , I warned them to leave my lilac bush alone . LOL I didn 't quite trust them , so Kevin helped me put a fence around it . LOL I have babied this plant so much . Then last year , I decided there was no use . It would never have blooms , but just keep spreading and be green . I was disappointed , but ok with that . So you can imagine how thrilled I was to find blooms this week while out walking in the yard ! I have a blooming lilac ! While out and about in the yard , I took a couple of pictures of our fruit trees . Looks like we may have some cherries this year . These are tart cherries that make great pies . Our original tree blew down several years ago , but a couple of trees came up from dropped cherries . They are just now starting to put enough cherries on to do some good . We have a couple of apple trees . I was shocked to see blooms on them . Our goats were not kind to them , so I just figured they would never bear fruit . I hope this means we might actually get a few apples . I need to get my books out and reread about pruning . It will have to wait till next winter , but if they are actually going to have fruit , I need to start pruning again . We also have a couple of pear trees , 3 peach trees , some raspberries , blackberries , and grapes . Maybe this will be a fruitful year ! ( grin ) Thank you all for your ideas to get me out of my slump . I think I am on my way to getting my mojo back . I have worked on my Birds and Blooms for 2 evenings in a row . I have just a little bit of the top border left to quilt . I have also been looking through some books and magazines to spark an interest in a new project . Also thinking about a fabric shopping trip . Yep , I am slowly getting back into the groove . ( grin ) Bren and Chris asked what tube piecing was . I think it is actually called tube quilting , but it looks more like piecing to me . LOL Anyway , here is a link that shows how to do it . It really does look neat , but mine didn 't line up quite the way theirs did . That 's ok , I figured it out anyway . LOL I hope this link works . If not , I will try again . I guess you all noticed that I did not post again last week . I am in such a slump . I have not gone this long without quilting since I began , over 3 years ago . I keep thinking I want to do something , but just can 't get started . I have not used my sewing machine since Christmas . Well , I did mend a pair of Kevin 's jeans , but that doesn 't count because I hate mending . LOL I have even been sitting in front of the tv with nothing in my hands to work on . What is wrong with me ? I never do that . Any ideas on how to get my mojo back ? About every 3 evenings , I do work on some redwork , but can 't even do that consistently . Maybe I just needed a break from crafts , but I want to get back on the ball . Hmm , I have a couple of projects that I need to finish piecing and several flimsies to quilt , but maybe I just need to start a new project . What do you think ? Now after writing all that , I will say that spring is a busy time of the year for us . I have been working outside a lot . I love when it gets warm enough that I can hang my clothes on the line . I do that all spring , summer , and fall . We have been cleaning up after the rough winter , burning , and mowing . I will soon be planting some garden . I use to always have garden planted before the middle of March , but not this year . Last year , spray from the field across the road stunted our garden . We got nothing from it . So this year we decided to wait a little while to plant in hopes that they will get their spraying done before we have anything up . Our old neighbors have passed on and their property sold . The new people are not careful about spraying . We never use to have to worry about spray drift . Those days are gone . Ok , enough belly aching . I have dishes to do , bananas to use up , meat loaf to fix , and animals to feed . So I will post a few pictures of some redwork , then get with it . While in KC I started A Tisket a Tasket by Bunny Hill . This was a BOM last year , but I never got around to starting it , so I am only a year behind . LOL Jan . 's block Ok , not sure what is going on , but I am having a terrible time getting my pictures and captions to show up where I want them to . I now have April and May 's blocks done , but haven 't taken pictures of them yet . I am working on June . I need to get busy . This took longer than I expected . I will try to get back later in the week . Everyone have a great day . Thank you for visiting . Posted by I made it back again . I thought I would share our Easter with you . We usually have a whole family gathering for Easter , but everything was so crazy this year , we decided to just chill instead . Kevin and I grilled burgers and hot dogs . They sure were good . That afternoon , Isaiah and Madison came out . Isaiah helped his dad work on the brakes of our truck while I played with Madison . She has grown so much since Christmas . She sits up now and jabbers away . She has two bottom teeth . She loves her daddy . In fact , she doesn 't really want him out of her sight . LOL I know the feeling is mutual . Isaiah takes such good care of his daughter . Look at those teeth shining through . Isaiah looking at his daughter . Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that our children are all grown up with children of their own . Time really does fly by when your family is young . I tried my hand at tube piecing . Mine didn 't quite come out like it was supposed to , but I made it work . I love this black fabric . I have used it in several projects , but will soon be out of it . I made this table runner from the tube piecing . I quilted this while I was in Kansas City . Now it just needs a binding and to be washed . Here is a closeup of one of the center blocks . Of course , you know I have to share the back . This one really looks neat on the back , if I do say so myself . ( grin ) I really think I am about ready to get back to quilting . I have done nothing since being home . I just needed some time to kick back and relax . Of course , I couldn 't do that till I had the house back in order . LOL I have even sat in front of the tv for the past few evenings with absolutely nothing in my hands to work on . That is very unusual for me . I am starting to feel the call of my fabric , though . Speaking of call . . . . I talked to Noah on the phone the other day . He said , ' Grandma , when are you going to come back home ? ' How sweet is that ? He thinks I belong at their home now . ( grin ) I told him I would come visit soon . That seemed to satisfy him , so then he started rambling on about Sponge Bob . LOL Izzie got on the phone too , then had a fit when her mama tried to get it away from her . I do miss them . Well , I need to get some things done around here . Thanks for visiting . Have a great day . Posted by Do you all remember me ? I thought I would be gone for a couple of weeks , but it ended up being a couple of months . I have been in Kansas City watching Noah and Izabella , two of our grandchildren . Their father is from Mexico . He and our daughter flew down there the first part of Feb . Ten days later , Hazel returned to KC , but Ivan went on to Mexico City to visit his family . Hazel had to go back to work and needed someone to take care of the kids for her . So of course , grandma stepped in . ( grin ) I got so close to those two little darlings . Noah is 4 and Izzie will be 2 in May . I will admit that at first it was rather hard . After all , I haven 't had children that young for at least 18 years , but I soon got used to it . We had a few bumps along the way , but everyone survived . LOL Not long after I got there , I decided to cut some bangs for Izzie . Her hair is very fine and I couldn 't keep a barrette in it . It was always hanging down in her eyes . I made the mistake of cutting them in front of Noah . A few days later I was sitting at the computer when I noticed how quiet it was . Hmm , not good ! LOL Noah had pushed a toy up to the kitchen counter and got the scissors down . Yep ! He cut the whole right side of Izzie 's hair off . I just stood there gasping when I saw her . Noah took off and hid under his sleeping bag . LOL I found him and explained that only adults could cut hair . He must have understood , because he never did it again . His mama wasn 't too happy when she saw it , but it will grow back . So Hazel tried to straighten the mess up . Now it looks like a boy 's haircut , but it will grow back . Right ? We also had some issues with a certain little girl getting in the bathroom and pouring whole bottles of shampoo in the tub . I think that happened 3 times , till I finally started keeping the door shut . The problem was that Noah would forget to shut it when he pottied . Then Izzie found the butter I had out softening for grilled cheese sandwiches . Hmm , yes , I had a greasy girl to take care of . LOL But all in all , things weren 't too bad . After all , I was there for 2 months . Hazel and I took them to the park a couple of times when the weather was nice enough . We had lots of snow in this 2 month period , so outings were sparse . They had so much fun on this slide . This is Hazel , Izzie , and Noah at the park . I had so much fun with the kids , but I was so glad to get back home to my husband and kitties . Kevin did a wonderful job of keeping everything going around here while I was gone . The cats were both mad at me for a few hours after I got home , but were all over me after I went to bed . LOL Something how cats pout . I got some projects done while I was gone , but not as much as I figured . I spent alot of my time just playing with the kids . Izzie was fascinated with my hand quilting . She would run her little fingers over the quilted stitches , just like a quilter . I think I have a future quilter in the family . ( grin ) I keep all of my notions for quilting in a little purple zippered pouch . Goodness . I had to keep that on top of the mantel . She just could not resist it . LOL This is the first thing I finished hand quilting . I still need to put the binding on and wash it . The blue you see is a washout pencil . This is a Thimbleberries ' pattern , but I can 't remember the name . It was a lot of fun and quilted very quickly . Straight lines are easier . Here is a closeup of the pumpkin block . Here is a closeup of the star block . Whew ! I think I have almost gotten through this post . It has been so long , I was afraid I would forget how . As you can see , I finally figured out how to change my blog appearance . I have tried numerous times to change it . Then I tried something new and it worked . ( grin ) I also updated the pictures of our grandbabies . This year has been rough so far for us . I think things are finally getting back on track . The merry - go - round is slowing down so that I can get off and get back to my normal life . I also want to thank everyone for the birthday wishes to me a little over a month ago . I really did appreciate it . I did not like Hazel 's computer , so seldom used it . Besides every time I got on the computer , the kids got into something . Remember the haircut ? LOL I hope to be back tomorrow and get into the groove of posting again . I am also trying to catch up with all my blog reading , but it may take a while . So until later . . . Thank you for visiting . Have a great day . I am an empty nest mama of 5 , grandma of 5 , and have been a wife for 35 years . We live on a small farm in northwest Missouri . View my complete profile

The Silent Lone Warrior : My Tale of Bullying Posted on May 28 , 2012 by AK Taylor About two weeks ago at the time of this writing I ran across this article in the Huffington Post about Lynda Fredrick and her story of bullying . This tugged at my heartstrings because I , too , am a victim of bullying . From preschool all the way to my second job in the workplace I dealt with the issue . Even though I didn 't deal with some of the domestic issues like Fredrick ( according what I draw from the poem ) did , but I dealt with the bullying at school and the workplace just the same . Bullying is a problem and it 's not a new one . It is making headlines since kids and teenagers are killing themselves or each other because of it . I know firsthand what it feels like . At least when I was growing up cyber bullying didn 't exist , but that didn 't make it any easier to deal with . The loneliness brought by bullying can fell crushing . It can feel like an anaconda wrapped around your chest , and it will crush you if you let it . Fredrick may be just a couple years older than I am , but it is in about the same time I was in school . As far as similarities the home life go , my parents were poor , but I was fortunate enough to have a few new clothes and parents who took the time to bathe me until I was old enough to do it myself . I had a loving family . I don 't know what I would 've done if I didn 't . The armored knights and Spartan hoplites are metaphors of how I view myself and how I dealt with my own bullying problems . I had to fight , defend , and train . I had to view these personal attacks like real attacks and that I was in a war to stay alive or die . Only the strong will survive . You must fight or die . Fight back or be crushed . Unlike Fredrick , she doesn 't mention being a victim in preschool , this is probably my first intro to other kids besides one neighbor 's kid that I played with occasionally , and he was older than I was . Most of the time I played by myself since I was only child - I lived in isolation because no one in the community reached out to my parents other than family and the one neighbor . Since I wasn 't around people very much , I didn 't know how to approach people ; I was shy and silent . Silence was my first language toward strangers . I was in introverted child , so this was natural , too . When people came around , they didn 't ask if I would like to play with them . Instead , they would either call me names or take toys away from me . I didn 't know how to deal with that . My mom had to teach me to stand up for myself . This was my first encounter with other people my age , and they were rather unpleasant . Also , at this particular preschool , the owner was very strict . She had a rule about mixing Play Doh among other things . I wanted to make something for my mom since she worked at the preschool . I was a creative child . I didn 't mix the colors , I just put different colors on a color like a collage and tried to make sure I didn 't press too hard so they didn 't mix . The lady found out about it . She spanked me ( back when public spanking was allowed ) and made me sit out of recess for the entire day . The only thing I thought about was how I didn 't like the lady and didn 't want to come back here rather than what I had done . I felt like I didn 't do anything wrong . I didn 't break something or get into a fight with another kid . I didn 't mix the colors together . I am now introduced to kindergarten , and this time my mother didn 't work here . Since this was a small town and all the schools were close together , the elementary , middle , and high schoolers rode the same bus . This became a nightmare . The trials and tribulations from preschool also happen here and are more severe . The high school and middle school kids would torment the elementary school kids . I was one of the targets when I was as young as kindergarten . For me in kindergarten and first grade , those were the hardest times since I had to learn to combat these older kids along with relearning self defense . What made things worse was that I was picked on on the playground by peers after the morning bus hounding by the big kids and peers . I would get it in the afternoons , too . When I wasn 't being picked on , nobody wanted to play with me most of the time - only occasionally . Whenever I was invited in , the kids didn 't play fair with me . I didn 't really have fun like the other kids I observed as I wandered the playground alone . I felt like I was better off playing by myself . I watched people most of the time as I swung alone or whatever I felt like doing . There were times I dealt with extreme loneliness ; I had use my brilliant mind to create my own friends since I didn 't really have friends . Animals were the only friends I could see and touch , and they loved me unconditionally and didn 't judge me . I also created a world where I mattered , and I could leave my problems behind until I had to return to the bus and school tomorrow . The animals would follow along too . When an animal died , it was like my best friend had died . In fact , this is how it was . The deaths of animals were very hard for me since that 's how I felt . I felt the sting of loneliness again until I got another animal . I also wanted mom and dad to have another baby so I could have somebody to play with . I didn 't have issues with sharing mom and dad . The loneliness was overwhelming and sometimes too much to bear . Very few times did I go to the woods alone and just cry . As I grew older though I stopped crying . Only wimps and babies cry became my motto when I felt the urge to cry . Suck it up or die because no one will give you a break even if you are wounded and bleeding . I occasionally did try to reach out to other people only to be shrugged off or hurt . Anything I said or did brought torment . Sometimes the loneliness felt better than all the attacks . I became fluent in the language of silence . When I was silent , my tormentors didn 't have any ammo to aim back at me . I felt like I was constantly under attack . Almost daily . A good day was when I was left alone . I felt I was having to constantly defend , defend , defend . I began to not share anything with anyone since that also brought pain . A girl pretended to be my friend and humiliated me in front of everyone on the bus . She deliberately wanted to hurt me . I don 't know why , and what did I ever do to her ? Nothing . After that , I decided I wasn 't going to let that happen again . That is where my trust issues began . I had a very hard time trusting anyone after that . I kept everyone at arm 's length . They only seemed to want to get close to me so they could find some other gossip fodder . This happened to me when I was only in 2nd or 3rd grade , and the bully was a middle schooler . I wanted to beat her up , and I don 't know what held me back because I was blinded by rage after the shock and humiliation passed over . So then I began to close myself off from others even more . I gave them the silent treatment most of the time . During this time I began to armor myself and plan defense strategies . No one stood up on my behalf . I was on my own . A lone warrior . All the painful lessons I have learned thus far was like emotional Spartan training . By the time I was in second and third grade I was taking on middle school and high school students . If the silent treatment didn 't work , I would unload some of my bottled up rage on them since it would come out after the fuse was lit . The attacks began to cause me great anger instead of pain after I had armored myself . Then I just wanted to be left alone if no one wanted to be my friend . Nothing ever got physical , but there were times I was ready for a physical battle if it ever came . Sometimes it was too close for comfort . Later , the elderly gentleman retired , and we got a new bus driver . This woman was the mother of one of the most egregious bullies . One day , I was in active combat with her son because he started something with me , and she got onto me . I think I even ended up in the principal 's office for it . I was never there to the inner sanctum of the principals office before since I was one of the ' good ' kids who hardly ever or never got in trouble . I wasn 't a regular visitor . I didn 't understand why I was here . I didn 't hit him even though I would have liked to . She tried to find every excuse she could to throw me off the bus after that . She threw me off one other time because I would moo at cows we passed by during the bus ride . I thought if I can 't talk to people then I would talk to the cows . They paid more attention to me more than people did . They at least looked at me when I talked to them without insulting me . She kicked me off for mooing at cows . She threw me off the bus for mooing at cows ? I DIDN ' T THROW ANYTHING AT THE COWS ! I think she had it in for me . After my sentence for not riding the bus was over , I begged my mother to not put me back on the bus . Sometimes she had to since she had to work . I just didn 't say anything or do anything at all to give her a reason to kick me off again . This was one of the few times I was bullied by a grownup . A grownup picking or a 3rd grader ? Seriously ? I tried my defense at the principals office since she actually fabricated the report a little . Of course , the principal would believe the grown - up over the 3rd grader . Naturally . Kids never tell the truth . There were times I didn 't want to go to school . I didn 't want to ride the bus . I didn 't want to be around people . People suck . I actually began to become afraid of people since all they do is hurt me - I actually began to dislike them quite a bit . I wanted to avoid them . I wished I could be invisible so I could go to school and learn and no one would harass me . Learning was the only thing I found redeeming about school since I had a brilliant mind that craved knowledge . I had even grim thoughts during this time . A young girl had gotten killed by getting ran over riding her bike on a dirt road . A moonwalk was erected in her honor . I thought if I died tomorrow no one would care other than my family . There would be no new piece of equipment on the playground if I got ran over on Highway 145 or if I drowned in the Broad River or if I had died from a cottonmouth bite . We lived near the river and it was full of cottonmouths , but I swam and fished here nonetheless . Frankly , the whole school would celebrate my demise with cake and confetti . I never thought of ending my life . I did , however , want to disappear . They 'd never miss me anyway . I was more scared of people than the cottonmouths . The later part if 5th grade we moved from this little town across the state to Rome . This was very hard for me . I liked the land we lived on where my imaginary world was , and I was terrified that I was now going to have to start over with new people . How hostile were they going to be ? I wasn 't going to know ' friend ' ( I had no concept was a real friend was since I didn 't have one ) from foe . It took months until I was finally able to find a friend . A real friend . While we stayed here in Rome , I had a real human friend - at last . In 7th and 8th grades I was seperated from her during the day because the school separated the grades into teams . So during the day I was back to being alone again and sometimes picked on . I just had to hang with her on weekends or call her on the phone during the week after an afternoon of adventures . This is when we moved to the suburbs . These where the worst and hardest years of my bullying saga . It first started when I had to leave my friend behind from the move . It took so long to find her so now I was going to have to start all over again . Now this place was a whole new meaning of the word hostile . I didn 't ride the bus here long . I got my mother to take me to school until I learned how to drive . People I didn 't even know or just met were attacking me . Bullying was almost ' normal ' for me since I 've dealt with it practically my whole life . Emotionally , I had become a Spartan like I said earlier . I felt like I had gone through the brutal training regimen that Spartans went through physically , but in my case , emotionally . It didn 't take me very long to feel the hostility and figure out that this was going to be a long , hard , and lonely road - I prepared for it even though I didn 't look forward to it . They said things much worse than ' you 're stupid ' , ' you 're weird ' , and ' you 're ugly ' . Girls hated me and boys picked on me . Some would ask to go with me ( 8th grade version of ' date in the ' 90s ) , but I would push back with my shield . It was just another insult . They didn 't really want that especially when they verbally assaulted me a day or two earlier . When they didn 't get their way they assaulted me again , but I had my spear at the ready . I knew their true colors would show . I knew I had to forge my armor into something harder to survive here . I had to armor every inch of my body . My Spartan armor wasn 't good here . I had to upgrade to titanium full plate mail for my body and legs ( such armor didn 't really exist ) . My Spartan shield and Corinthian helmet were good , but they need to be titanium instead of bronze . No one was going to hurt me . I 'm not letting anyone in unless they are the least bit friendly , but I can 't trust them completely . There is that chance they will betray me . When they did , I shut them out , and they didn 't get too close to me again . The entire time I was at school from 8th to my graduation day the arrows and stones rained upon me , but now they just bounced off my tough armor . I lost my capacity to feel pain or really feel anything . When someone attacked , I attacked back viciously . A couple times someone was able to find a weak spot . After throwing them off , I would bandage the wound , patch my armor back stronger than it was , and they wouldn 't get so close again . That part of my being wouldn 't be hurt again . I didn 't show pain even if it hurt . If they see pain , they 'll know you 're weak . Very seldom would someone stick up on my behalf . Sometimes it felt nice to be able to lower the shield and spear for a second . If someone approached it would go up , and I would ask in body language , " What are your intentions ? " I didn 't actively engage people . I only came when I was invited , but I knew I couldn 't get too comfortable . I may not exist tomorrow to this person . If there was a group sitting somewhere I didn 't sit with them unless I was invited since I have been turned away before . I found a place that was off to itself and sat by myself in silence . I spoke only when spoken to . I didn 't share anything about myself or else pay the consequences . I knew not to touch that red - hot eye ever again . I guarded my most intimate secrets like a rattlesnake - I began to rattle when they were getting too close , and if they didn 't leave me alone they get bitten . My treasures only were worth anything to me , not to anyone else . I knew they would just step on them like they were trash since that 's what my treasures were to them . No one would ever rip out my heart and step on it . Sometimes people would press me for my treasures and I would push them back harder than they pushed me . I knew their intentions were hurtful since I had watched them from the shadows . Shield front and center . I didn 't find a true friend here . I didn 't date . I never went to a dance or to the prom . No one was really interested in me in either case . If anyone asked me out they were only desperate or wanted something from me , and I knew that . I only wanted someone who was truthfully interested and like me for me - such a person didn 't exist . There were a couple times I nearly went on a casual date , but I had my heart shielded , but the boys played games . We didn 't even get to the asking part before pulling a trick . I sort of expected it . It didn 't hurt me . There was no second chance . I knew they weren 't genuinely interested anyway . Why would they even come back ? Some girls tried to get me to ask boys out . " I don 't do that , " I would say . The whole idea was madness to me . A sign of desperation and weakness . I was neither of those . I would probably look the fool . Nobody wants to date me anyway so why should I care ? Why would I put myself before the firing squad ? It made as much sense as putting my head underwater and taking a deep breath . As with any lone warrior , I was very lonely . And , just like any lone warrior , you crave human interaction , but it comes at great risk . Who can you trust ? Practically nobody . I wished I had friends and people liked me , but they didn 't . It wasn 't my fault they hated me - I never believed I did anything to deserve it . I had to accept that fact and move on . What also made things worse that I was growing up and society forced me to put my toys away and my imaginary friends had to fade . There was no woods to create a world here . There was no escape from the crushing loneliness I felt . My family wasn 't enough . My friend from Rome would come down during the summer for a week and it would go by so quickly . When she would leave it seem like just a drop of cool water to my hot , parched throat . It was then at age 16 , I wrote my first book : Neiko 's Five Land Adventure . I had found the key to return to my world in this new phase of life . I took up writing to deal with the loneliness . A younger cousin also provided me with a means to reconjure my world since she wanted to come in when she was young . I had another human being come along on glorious adventures . Other books were written during this dark time . I didn 't care if I fit in or not again after that . I found another gem to put into my vault and keep to myself until later on until my family talked me into sharing . My long war with bullying has left me with social problems , trust issues , and an overall fear of people . I looked at my first job with fear . I was afraid to talk to coworkers and customers . I had to force myself to say hello . I was even afraid to ask someone for something from the back if I needed it . I didn 't like giving people eye contact . When someone would come up to me I would tense up and clench my fists like I was holding an imaginary sword and shield like I was a warrior bracing for attack . It was automatic - like a reflex . When attack came , I was ready . This was normal for me and easily dealt with . I dealt with bullying in the workplace . Coworkers and those customers . Oh , I wished I could give the bullying customer a good thrust from my spear and sword . But , I just had to hold up my shield and turn off my capacity to care which I could do like a light switch . Now , the coworkers were fair game . My first two jobs had bullies . My last public job didn 't . That old adage , " They 're just people " was not so harmless to me . That was the problem : people . I was more afraid of people than I was of venomous snakes , alligators , tarantulas , scorpions , or snarling grizzly bears . No wild animal on the planet frightened me more than people . Can you blame me ? Wild animals don 't deliberately attack people unless they have a reason ( defense , food ) which is rare , people do and not have a reason for the attack . Another social implication was that after receiving years upon years of negative and attacks , I didn 't know how to respond to positive feedback - real , genuine positive feedback . The only positive stuff I ever received was from family for many years ; I only thought my family were the only people in the world who cared about me . I would feel confused , embarrassed , or is this really real ? , or are you talking to me ? if it was someone outside of family . Sometimes I wondered if they had an angle or a ulterior motive since I had examples of this in the past , and the most memorable was the girl from the small town who pretended to be my friend and she used to say nice things to me before she did the unthinkable . I always waited for the ambush , but when it never came I was both relieved and confused . When I met my husband , I had a lot of issues with trust . It took me a long time to trust him and to learn he was genuine and that he wouldn 't betray me . I was petrified for my first date . I was a young adult and I needed my dad there for support . That was how scared I was of him . I had learned to fear men at the romantic end since they all played games with me or betrayed me . I was okay with them being ' friends ' ( not true friends ) , but more than that - no way . My trust can 't take it that far . If it ended badly I wanted my dad to see it and for my ticket out . Also , we had to travel 70 miles to his house from where we lived . Also , my dad was responsible for the set - up so he was going to take me there . At first , I was a little mad at my parents for doing this to me , but later I thank them . It has taken a lot of personal growth and counseling to begin to lower the shield and spear and rebuild my ability to trust . I still have a hard time with betrayal and approaching people . I am a WIP . I am beginning to allow people in until they give me a reason not to trust them . Now , I don 't hate people , but I do have some trepidation approaching and starting a conversation . If you survive bullying it can make you stronger but the journey is hard . Some suffer through it longer than others and some have more extreme than others . It would be nice if it was gone . Facebook : Amanda Haulk Taylor / A . K . Taylor 's Books page View all posts by AK Taylor → This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged bullying , childhood pastimes , childhood stories , dealing with bullying , kids , society , teenagers . Bookmark the permalink . ← The Weirdest Jeopardy ! Episode Ever Emily Heath says : May 30 , 2012 at 2 : 00 am Thank you for writing this , it must have brought back painful memories . I experienced some similar situations too while growing up . The worst thing is the loneliness , never feeling like anyone is on your side , always having to have your guard up for the next hurtful comment . Reply backwoodsauthor says : May 31 , 2012 at 12 : 23 am Part of the reason why I wrote this piece was to see if someone else in the world could benefit from it or it touch them . Another part was part of my own therapy and for an experiment . A friend of mine even mentioned I could write a book about it . Sometimes you feel like the only one , but I am beginning to find out it happens everywhere . thank you for sharing your thoughts too 🙂 Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

Just a blog for this and that . Nothing earthshaking or even all that interesting . Just the musings of a city girl turned country who is appreciating life in her dotage . It is so good to be home . The house is a mess , I have a ton of stuff to do , I 'm behind already , and I love it ! Tonight Melisa and Justin are hosting a cookout . Our halibut will be featured . We will be celebrating Kelli 's birthday - albeit a bit late . Had a practice session with Jennifer last night . At one time we suspended practice sessions in favor of tapes that the cantors could work with . It didn 't pan out and last night was an example of why it didn 't . We love to visit . LOL ! I think I enjoy cantor practice even more since retiring since I don 't have the day - to - day contact with people . I am an introvert by nature , but 13 years of working in the school moved me more toward the extrovert side of the spectrum . I made a batch of candles yesterday . Broke every rule in the book because it 's been a while . All of them turned out except 2 that had sink holes . I forgot to check the temperature of the wax before I poured . It certainly doesn 't take long to get out of the groove . On today 's agenda is an early morning walk / run followed by helping Harold get old bottles out of the basement . He has decided not to make wine anymore . I am hoping that the sink down there will be restored to use so that I don 't have to run up and down the stairs to wash my hands - particularly on days when I have to measure soaping oils . I received the first of our fall craft show applications and the copy proof for our stocking ad in Country Sampler . We need to get cracking on our stocking production . When we were in Alaska I visited a couple of quilt shops . I found some very nice wildlife prints to put in Justin 's quilt . Baby Madison is going to be baptized on August 30 and Kelli said she would like it if I made her dress . It 's been so long , but I would love to do it . I am going to move that machine to the basement and ask Harold if he will rig up some light for me . Oh , and Melisa bought a knitting machine for 15 dollars ! It 's a Singer 700 . The carriage alone is worth several hundred . Ask me how I know ? She got a very sweet deal ! ! ! Word of the day : Posted by Monday , July 27 , day 13 in the motor homeGot up about 6 : 00 this morning . As Dad was coming back from his shower he spotted a black bear out in front of the RV park . We looked for him as we were driving out but never saw him again . ( the bear , not Dad ) We drove toward Seward and stopped at the Exit glacier . We hiked a little over a mile to get there . It was raining . Hard ! I found out that though my jacket is rainproof , it is not waterproof . We got soaked . Other than that , it was a fun hike . Back on the road , we stopped into a gift shop on our way to Seward . This is where we met the " awesome gift shop girls . " ( Hi Heather and Meghan ! ) We should have gotten a picture of them together , but we didn 't think of it . In fact , we had to get Meghan 's picture on our way back through . Next we went to the Marine science building in Seward . Parked about ¼ mile from the building and braved the rain ( sans jackets because they were soaked ) to enter the museum . It was really , really cool . We got to see sea lions as they swam underwater . We also got to watch puffins dive and swim underwater . I took videos of the sea lion and of some jelly fish . I have them posted on my blog and on Photobucket . After we finished here , we again slogged ¼ mile back to the RV . Ooooh , two updates sent in one day ! Sunday , July 26 , 2009 - Day 12 in the motor homeGot up this morning and called Sarah . Still haven 't heard anything from her either by email or by phone . It 's beginning to look like we 're not going to be able to see her . We pulled out of the RV park this morning and headed for the sports shop to buy a can of bear spray . The guy in the store said you need the spray or a gun . I thought we got taken until I noticed a lot of other people had them . The reason we needed the spray is that we were going on a hike along the Russian Falls road in hopes of seeing bears . There was a long line going into the park . You had to pay $ 11 . 00 to park there and then it was another $ 45 for the bear spray . Since the park was full , we had to park a quarter mile away from the entrance to the trail . On the way we picked up a hitchhiker named Danny who was headed to the same parking lot . ( Alaska is NOT like Michigan ) . We pulled into the Pink Salmon lot and said good - bye to Danny . Then we hiked another 2 ½ miles along the trail to the lookout platform . Never did see a bear , but saw a ton of salmon jumping out of the water , trying to beat the falls . And we saw Danny hopping up and down the steep embankments like a mountain goat . I 'll bet he got some great pictures . We stayed a while trying to get pics of the salmon jumping but they were too fast for us . We headed back to the RV with a nice little 6 mile hike under our belts . When we got back we tried to call Sarah again - just her voice mail . We decided to head for Seward - about 60 miles away - and that 's where we are now - at the Bear Creek RV park . Not very picturesque and not our favorite of the places we 've stayed , but the WIFI is free so I 'm good to go . Just to warn you , Dad 's new mantra is " What would Miles do ? " He fancies himself quite the wilderness guy now . I fondly remember the days when Grandpa Caputo was his role model . This is a pic of the kind of view we had along the hiking trail . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Posted by Logs sent to kids : Thursday , July 23 , day 9 in the motor homeStarted out the day doing laundry . This Laundromat had to be seen to be believed . There was coffee , free WIFI , and about a zillion people . The washers and dryers faced each other so if there were 2 people using washers and another 2 drying , it got to be a pretty tight fit . We stopped at a little woodcarvers mall . We went into a jerky shop and got to talking with a man who started a program where they ship jerky out to the troops . It all started when a couple of moms came in to buy some for their sons . Two days later the president of the Wounded Warriors entered the shop and from there the program has grown . We took some cool pics at the woodcarvers mall and you can see them on the photo bucket site . We watched some people cutting and cleaning clams . That was pretty interesting to watch . Dad will probably go clamming tomorrow . We got to Homer Spit RV park at about 4 : 00 . Turns out we do have electric and wifi because Dad didn 't get the spot right down by the beach . We get 2 hours of complimentary wifi . We walked down to see the boat we 'll be on and stopped at the fish cleaning station to watch them cleaning fish . We went through some shops which is usually my thing , but my back is tight and I don 't want to risk having it go out tomorrow . Melisa we mailed home some packages - do not open them tee hee , but know that they will be coming . No , it 's not our dirty clothes - yet . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Friday , July 24 , day 10 in the motor home : Got up at 4 : 45 this morning to board the charter boat . We lugged along a cooler , lunch , rain gear , camera , and other assorted necessities . Our fishing buddies were Marie and Sammie from Atlanta Georgia , and Jack and his son - in - law David , plus our captain , Bob Ward . We rode for about an hour on the ocean and saw a bear on the shore . Dad took a pic , but it was fuzzy because it was raining out . When we got to our fishing spot , Bob set the anchor and got each of us set up . Jack caught the firstPosted by Here are the last two logs I sent the kids . Tuesday , July 21 , day 7 in the motor homeToday started out uneventful enough . We got on the road about 8 : 30 this morning . Dad wanted to stop at the Bureau of Land Management . He was in there an hour ( I 'll just be right back ) . When he finally came back I found out he was trying to stake a gold claim . Turns out it was a little more complicated than he figured so that dream is out the window . ( It wasn 't a lifelong dream , I don 't think - just an idea he got from an RV park neighbor . ) We continued on to the North Pole . Hit a bit of a snag there because some bright person thought it would be a good idea to put an expressway smack dab through the middle of town . We circled twice before we found the visitors center . There was a couple there from Rose City who know Aunt Molly and Uncle Tom . Small world . We took a few pictures and then headed over to the Santa Store where we got to sit on Santa 's lap . That is the first and only picture you will ever see of me sitting on Santa 's lap . We looked around there for a while and then headed for Delta Junction . ( We ate breakfast at 8 : 00 - it is now 12 : 00 ) We get about 30 minutes down the road and Dad wants me to take a picture . I take the picture ( I take really good pictures ) and then went to put the camera in the case . Hmmmmm , where is the camera case ? Not where it should be . Guess where it was - back at the visitors center where we took a picture . We had both cameras , but the case had batteries and a battery charger that Dad had bought so back we went to the visitor center . Once there , Dad had to wait in line . ( Now it is 1 : 00 ) We got back on the road at 1 : 30 ( no lunch yet ) . We headed for the junction again . A 3 hour stretch of driving with no civilization in sight . Lots of mountains and beautiful scenery , but no people , no gas stations , no nothing . At 3 : 00 it occurs to dad that we should probably eat so he breaks out the cheezits . At 3 : 30 I gave up the idea of lunch and ate a bagel with peanut butter and some frozen grapes . ( thanPosted by Here is yesterday 's log that was sent to the kids : * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Sunday , July 19 , day 5 in the motor homeWe woke up this morning and had pancakes and maple syrup for breakfast . We walked to church about 3 blocks . It was a tiny church - 8 pews , 20 people , 4 of them visitors . After Mass we were invited to the room behind the church for juice and visiting . One family had 8 kids . I talked with the father and the priest while Dad visited with the administrator and a couple of other people . The priest was a fan of bishop Untener so we had some common ground for a conversation . We got back from 11 : 00 oclock Mass at about 2 : 30 . Then we met a character that lives behind the RV park . He is an author . Dad bought his books . This guy is a real character . He is a Grizzly Adams type . He and his girlfriend took us on a tour of their place . ( Think Summerton ) . Miles and Irene make their living by selling artifacts , jewelry , and by cleaning and restoring skulls . Irene was going to show me the maggot room where they put the skulls so the maggots can eat the meat , but I declined . Miles has a website you may find very interesting . Miles of Alaska . The tour of Miles ' and Irene 's grounds was probably the most interesting tour we 've been on . From the RV park you could see the smoke from the wildfires . When you look at the pictures I 've attached , know that those are not clouds you are looking at - it is smoke . The man at the visitor center ( think Donny Courter with black hair ) told us that in about 4 hours that smoke would be pretty close to Nenana . We took some pics on the way outta Dodge . We are now in an RV park in Fairbanks . We ended up back to back with a couple we met on the cruise . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Word of the DayMonday of the Sixteenth week in Ordinary TimeToday the Church celebrates : St . Margaret of Antioch , Virgin and Martyr , St . Apollinaris , Bishop and MartyrHoly Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 12 : 38 - 42 . Then some of the scrPosted by Here are the logs for the Friday and Saturday of our trip . Friday , day 3 in the motor homeWe started out this morning with a walk through Talkeetna . Talkeetna was the inpiration for the town in Northern Exposure . Lots of little shops with lots of hand - made stuff . In one shop I found hand - made soap which the owner made . It was fun to talk shop with her . In one shop I found some soap bars packaged as end lots . They had a tag that said " Moose Stakes . " It was a cute way to sell off the odds and ends , but it was $ 18 for the pound bag - and it was melt and pour soap . We left Talkeetna and headed north for Denali . We got here about 5 : 00 our time . We signed up for a 10 hour tour tomorrow . At the RV park there were books that you could take and exchange . I will have some reading material for the tour . ( Anna , I finished the Randy Alcorn book - you got me hooked on a new author ) . Right now I am reading a biography on Sarah Palin . It is fascinating . It 's cool to read about places she lives and works . The feelings towards her are mixed . The Alaskans we 've talked to think she 's great , but the people from out of state say that the Alaskans are mad at her . Hmmmmmm . We 've been looking for Mt . McKinley , but I 'm thinking if you have to ask yourself , " is that it ? " it probably isn 't . Mt . McKinley was originally called Deenaalee - meaning " Tall One . " I can 't remember who it was that changed the name to McKinley . The park itself remains " Denali . " It 's really windy up here tonight . Our motor home is overlooking a very steep drop to a river . Makes me a little nervous . Tomorrow we leave the visitor center at 6 : 45 for the tour . We need to pack a lunch and drinks . No internet here so you won 't get this in a timely fashion . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Saturday , July 18 , day 3 in the motor homeWe got up this morning at 5 : 45 to take a bus tour through Denali National Park . I was a little cynical about taking such a long bus ride ( 10 hours ) but it went really fast . We got a lot of great sPosted by Here are the logs I have sent the kids so far . Monday - SitkaToday we docked in Sitka . At this port there is no dock . The ship is anchored and then we get on small boats called " Tenders " which ferry us to the mainland . It 's about a 10 minute ride . We boarded ours at about 8 : 30 . When we came on deck , there was a girl selling boat tours to see whales , puffins , sea lions , hopefully a bear or two . We didn 't see bears , but we saw lots of the rest of the stuff . Our tour guide took us inside the magma chamber of an old volcano . The tide was low and we could see orange and purple starfish on the " cave " walls . The were sponges and anemones in layers of colors - pink , purple , red . It was really cool . Unfortunately we only got them on the flip video because the batteries in Dad 's camera died . After the fishing boat tour went to a drug store for ice cream . Earlier in the day we had been there while waiting for our fishing boat tour . We watched them make their own waffles for the waffle cones . We had our ice cream in those handmade waffle cones . After that we watched a Russian folk dancing group at a nearby museum . It was really great . Then we crossed the street to the Russian Orthodox Cathedral . It is a beautiful church . We got back to the ship at about 3 : 00 . Jean didn 't join us for dinner . She overdid things a bit and needed a rest . Dave , Dad , and I shared a table with a couple from Florida . They were very interesting to talk to . Dad 's getting ready to head down to the black jack table . I am reading a great book and I think that 's what I 'll be doing tonight . Tomorrow morning we have a disembarking meeting . It 's hard to believe that tomorrow is the last full day of the cruise . Today was our last port of call . Love you all , Mom * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tuesday : No Port of Call - 36 hours of sailingAs I write this , we are near the glaciers . I just saw a beautiful ice blue glacier outside the window of our state room . I started off today by packing my stuff . I like toPosted by Well , here I sit in the Grand Rapids airport waiting to board for my first flight ever . I think the thing that was stressing me out was the packing and check - in process . So far everything has gone well . I am actually able to connect here in the airport . I couldn 't get it to work yesterday . I don 't know how often I 'll be able to get on during the trip , but for now I 'm golden . : ) Tuesday of the Fourteenth week in Ordinary TimeToday the Church celebrates : St . Pantaenus , Father of the Church , ( + c . 216 ) Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 9 : 32 - 38 . As they were going out , a demoniac who could not speak was brought to him , and when the demon was driven out the mute person spoke . The crowds were amazed and said , " Nothing like this has ever been seen in Israel . " But the Pharisees said , " He drives out demons by the prince of demons . " Jesus went around to all the towns and villages , teaching in their synagogues , proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom , and curing every disease and illness . At the sight of the crowds , his heart was moved with pity for them because they were troubled and abandoned , like sheep without a shepherd . Then he said to his disciples , " The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few ; so ask the master of the harvest to send out laborers for his harvest . " Yesterday was one of those days that is totally great from start to finish ! The day began with a trip down to Nina and Jamie 's house . I road down with Anna , Kelli , and baby Madison . Nina made a fantastic meal of bake barbecue chicken , hot dogs , steamed vegetables , and corn on the cob . Anna brought coleslaw and eclair cake . Jamie 's mom and grandma were there . Sam and Harold came a little later because they went fishing in the morning . We all had a great time eating and visiting . We had to leave earlier than I would have liked because I had to head back to Alma for 4 : 30 Mass . After Mass , Harold , Anna , and I headed to Mt . Pleasant for the fireworks display . We went to Kohl 's on the way to get Harold some shirts and pants for Alaska . I bought an outfit too , and some other things I need for the trip . We met Sam , Kelli , and baby , and Kelli 's parents Gary and Jan in the big field south of the casino . It was fabulous . We could see 3 different fireworks shows . Word of the day : Fourteenth Sunday in Ordinary TimeToday the Church celebrates : St . Anthony Mary Zaccaria , Priest ( 1502 - 1539 ) Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Mark 6 : 1 - 6 . He departed from there and came to his native place , accompanied by his disciples . When the sabbath came he began to teach in the synagogue , and many who heard him were astonished . They said , " Where did this man get all this ? What kind of wisdom has been given him ? What mighty deeds are wrought by his hands ! Is he not the carpenter , the son of Mary , and the brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon ? And are not his sisters here with us ? " And they took offense at him . Jesus said to them , " A prophet is not without honor except in his native place and among his own kin and in his own house . " So he was not able to perform any mighty deed there , apart from curing a few sick people by laying his hands on them . He was amazed at their lack of faith . He went around to the villages in the vicinity teaching . Happy Birthday , America ! ! ! ! Word of the day : Saturday of the Thirteenth week in Ordinary TimeToday the Church celebrates : St . Elizabeth of Portugal ( 1271 - 1336 ) Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 9 : 14 - 17 . Then the disciples of John approached him and said , " Why do we and the Pharisees fast ( much ) , but your disciples do not fast ? " Jesus answered them , " Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them ? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them , and then they will fast . No one patches an old cloak with a piece of unshrunken cloth , for its fullness pulls away from the cloak and the tear gets worse . People do not put new wine into old wineskins . Otherwise the skins burst , the wine spills out , and the skins are ruined . Rather , they pour new wine into fresh wineskins , and both are preserved . " I was up way too early this morning . Once I wake up , I don 't go back to sleep . I was AWOL yesterday . I am trying to get our two computers to connect through the card that Anna installed . I still haven 't pinpointed the problem although the connection icon is now green . I 'm guessing that means I 'm a little closer . Harold has discovered online auctions and computer access has been a bit of a bone of contention lately . He swears he 's not becoming an internet junkie , but I know the signs . LOL ! Word of the day : Thursday of the Thirteenth week in Ordinary TimeToday the Church celebrates : St . Bernardino Realino , Priest ( 1530 - 1616Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint Matthew 9 : 1 - 8 . He entered a boat , made the crossing , and came into his own town . And there people brought to him a paralytic lying on a stretcher . When Jesus saw their faith , he said to the paralytic , " Courage , child , your sins are forgiven . " At that , some of the scribes said to themselves , " This man is blaspheming . " Jesus knew what they were thinking , and said , " Why do you harbor evil thoughts ? Which is easier , to say , ' Your sins are forgiven , ' or to say , ' Rise and walk ' ? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins " - - he then said to the paralytic , " Rise , pick up your stretcher , and go home . " He rose and went home . When the crowds saw this they were struck with awe and glorified God who had given such authority to human beings .

Tag : peace When the water rises , you swim ( finding beauty where you didn 't look ) You must find beauty where you would least expect it if you want to survive in this world . It 's okay to fall under the heartache , the pain , the anger , the frustrations - but you must always find the strength to search out your reason to stand again . You must open your eyes and search for the beauty that will inspire you to move forward . It will always be there , though you might not always be ready to see it . It doesn 't happen very often that the world tosses a perfect analogy into your lap . When the fortuitous hands of fate decide to gift you with a little ironic gem , it is best to grin and say thank you . This past weekend - I found my figurative self in literal nature . There 's a park by my house that I don 't go to all that often . It 's called Cottonwood Beach because it has a small sandy shore right along the river . During summer , this is where everyone pretends they are lounging alongside the ocean , though we are several hours from it . There 's history along this river ; Lewis and Clark traveled through here , and you will see statues and monuments peppered all along their trail . In fact , they even wrote about this particular little beach after spending six days camping there during March and April of 1806 . It was in the running to be the winter camp for the group of explorers , but eventually it lost to Fort Clatsop . To commemorate their stay here , we have a park named in their honor , as well as beautiful monuments and statues placed in memory of their fearless pursuit into the unknown . Large cement canoes sit along the upper shore , there 's the outline of an old post , and beautiful walkways to enjoy . Now , it 's no secret that I 've been struggling with my anxiety issues lately , and if I 'm honest , I 've been feeling that persistent burn in virtually all areas of my life . On Saturday , I was starting to feel like I was drowning , slipping under the frustration that I was letting envelope my life . So I did the one thing I know to do in those situations . I called my sister and we went to the park . What I find so ironic , is that I reached out because I felt that I was figuratively slipping underwater . And then we ventured off to this little park on a beautiful 90 degree day - and this little spot was literally underwater . That 's right - after a few weeks with very little rain , we still managed to flood . Nature has an odd sense of humor , but for once - the irony to be found in this analogy hit me right between the eyes . There was no missing this nudge . At first I was a bit annoyed - what were we going to do now ? Of course , it was just my luck that the one time I try to go here , there really is no ' here ' to go to . Well , my dear friends , if there is any lesson you should take from me it is this : if you can 't beat them , join them . Instead of turning back around like everyone else , we waded in and headed for the little patch of dry ground on the other side . There is something thrilling when you follow an underwater trail ( even a gravel one that is only headed straight ) . We enjoyed the fact that for once the place was calm and quiet . We sat in the partially sunken cement canoes and listened to the calming melody of the river . We watched three different families of geese paddling around right beside us . It turned out to be completely and utterly beautiful . This misadventure that I nearly chalked up to another moment of bad timing and rotten luck wound up being the salve I needed to soothe the panicked voice inside . When I climbed into that cement boat , I was climbing into my own personal life preserver . I found solace in the beauty of a nature that cannot be contained by human elements . I found a moment of clarity in a world that is always running so damn fast . Sometimes when it seems like the world is turning it 's back on you , when nothing is going right and all you can do is throw up your hands and yell ' of course ! ' Perhaps you should take a moment to stop and really look around . The world could be holding out your saving grace - you just don 't recognize it . There is beauty in every moment , there is an adventure in every story - you just have to find it my friends . I found mine sitting in the bottom of a cement canoe in the middle of a flooded park - the last place I would have thought to look . Imagine how many gifts the world has offered you , and you just walked by without recognizing them . We are guilty of this , but we do not to be . I must always remind myself to slow down and tilt my head so I can see the world from a new angle . It 's all about perspective , my friends . Don 't be afraid to look - you will be disappointed . Author katiebell318Posted on May 31 , 2017June 1 , 2017Categories LifeTags anxiety , calm , clarity , flood , frustration , history , lewis and clark , Life , park , peaceLeave a comment on When the water rises , you swim ( finding beauty where you didn 't look ) Cheers to the weekend , you weekday warrior ( find your kindness ) Happy Friday my dear friends , we have survived yet another week like the Warriors that we are ! We zigged and we zagged , we lost some battles and won others . No matter how daunting or exhausting things got , we put one foot in front of the other and kept on pushing through . Here we stand , on the cusp of a well deserved break ( unless you work weekends , then I offer my deepest apologies , feel free to send curses my way for unintentionally bringing it up . Please save this and read it when your own weekend is set to begin and revel in the fact that I will probably be at work at that time ) . You deserve to kick up your feet , lean back and take a long sip from your favorite beverage . You have earned this , and damn , does it feel good . For once just forget about the trials and tribulations of your daily life , the to - do list you 've written , the frustrations of the past week - right now is about living in this one moment , something we do far too little of , I am afraid . It is all too easy to wish our lives away , waiting for the next best thing . I am just as guilty as any other . It is no secret that we live in a tumultuous world right now , the daily frustrations are hard to escape . And if you are anything like me , that constant barrage of negativity finds a way to seep into your soul like rain through a sweatshirt . It leaves you cold and exhausted . So this Friday , I think we owe it to ourselves to take a different angle . We live in a tumultuous world , true ; but if you start looking in the right places , you will see the beauty hidden amidst the turmoil . I live for small joys , tiny moments of peace and hope that sustain the soul and refresh the spirit . I wouldn 't be able to survive doing what I do , surrounded by the things that I hear without this little trait that reminds me to look for the simple joys . They give me hope in a world that I don 't always understand , in a life that does not always understand me . Another storm hit my town ; harsh winds and freezing rain peppered us all night , leaving our roads slick and shiny this morning , covered in a layer of ice that did not want to give up its new residence . It wasn 't until I made it out to Ellie ( that would be my car , I like to name inanimate objects ) , that I remembered I lent my ice scraper to my fiancé during the last winter storm - and he broke it ( no blame cast , just a fact ) . Frustrated at the prospect of being forced to wait for the ice to melt off my windshield , someone presented me with a small act of kindness in the form of their spatula . It worked surprisingly well at scraping the frozen sheet off my car , once I got over feeling silly weilding cooking utensils at my 3 , 000 lb vehicle like a witch with her magic wand . I thanked them , and was able to slowly creep down the road on my way to work - I even managed to make it in on time and get a decent parking spot ( yay for little victories ) ! You see , these small acts of kindness are what tie us together , they are the things that bring back our humanity in a society where we find ourselves far too emboldened to demean one other from the safety of our social media screens . All it took to change my day and my mood was a spatula - a regular , plastic cooking utensil . Grand and profound gestures are not always required when real people are at stake . Spreading joy is what will bring us back to our roots , remind us of the good that resides in us all . We cannot categorize one another as good and evil , friend and foe - when there is so much gray area in terms of real flesh and blood people . These smalls kindnesses can be found in the most mundane details of life . Even something as simple as asking a co - worker if they 're feeling better will remind them that someone cared enough to worry about them . The other day someone paid for my coffee at the drive - thru when I was just having one of those mornings . So I paid it forward and hoped the red truck behind me would find a smile to light up the beginning of their day , just as I did . When I got to work last week there was a feather and a flower sitting on my desk - no note , no one running in asking if I saw it . Just a feather and a flower that left me with a sense of peace . When my sister was out standing on a crowded street in the rain , a stranger came over and held their umbrella over her head simply because she looked cold . The other day a Judge that I work with came to my desk to personally shake my hand and thank mefor publicly standing up for a cause that deeply impacts his life and the lives of his family members , he said it meant a lot to know that it mattered to someone . Last weekend my mom was in a car accident , and the other driver made a point to find a blanket from his car to wrap around her because she couldn 't stop shivering . After his car was towed from the scene , my mom was able to drive him home , surprising even the police officers who responded . Kindness attracts kindness , one smile will be contagious to those who receive it . People seem to thrive on contention and frustration , some get satisfaction in the fight , in the struggle , in slashing at their opponents . There are time in our lives when we are all guilty of this - it is universal . But that does not have to be our driving force if we do not wish it . Stand for kindness , embody the values you wish to see in this world . There is a time to gear up for the battle and fight . But it is not all the time . So this Friday , to celebrate the end of another crazy week , find the joys amidst the chaos . In a world that is constantly moving , you deserve a chance to sit still . You 've fought like hell this week , take a break , remember the joys that sustain you , revitalize your soul . Have a beautiful weekend my friends , don 't forget to look for the sunshine in spite of the clouds . Author katiebell318Posted on February 3 , 2017February 3 , 2017Categories LifeTags compassion , joy , kindness , Life , peace , weekendLeave a comment on Cheers to the weekend , you weekday warrior ( find your kindness ) After a crazy Christmas comes PJ day ! Good morning ! ( good afternoon , good evening and goodnight as well , depending on when you read this ) . I hope yesterday everyone had a magical time filled with fun , family and friends . I hope the stresses of the season didn 't dampen the glow of excitement that pervaded the air . I will admit , it took me a tad longer than usual to get into the holiday spirit , but now that it has officially come and gone , I don 't know how ready I am to see it go . My poor fiancé got sick last night , so I think we have the perfect excuse to lay around in our pjs drinking excessive amounts of coffee and watching all of those Christmas movies I never quite got around to this year . Not to mention playing with a few new gizmos and gadgets ( and reading , oh so much reading ) . Now , I am not a particularly materialistic person , but I will openly admit that I love geeking out over unusual items ( those BuzzFeed : get through this list without spending $ 50 kill me every time ) . I have a deep fascination with the odd , obscure , and downright rare . I find my inspiration in the oddest of places . This year for Christmas my family and I had decided we wanted to do less stuff . We were going to spend more time on events that we could do together and memories that we could make , which we did . Though I must admit , we all fell back into the typical cycle of wanting to give to one another - to see the joy in another 's face when they opened a little gift from us . The benefit to having less of an emphasis on material items this year led to a surprising outcome : the gifts that were all exchanged carried some deep meaning that left many of us dabbing at sparkling eyes wet with happy tears . There was a book that my dad read to us every Christmas growing up that he found recordable version of - which he recorded himself reading , for us to enjoy forever and share with our future children someday . That way no matter how far apart we may be , he can still read us the book on Christmas Eve ( I did cry with this one ) . There were also a few perfect little items that captured the soul with the deep understanding the giver had for the receiver . You see , material possessions don 't really mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things . But yesterday I learned the power behind a heartfelt gesture that can take the form of something as simple as a coffee mug . I have always struggled with being completely open about who I really am underneath it all ; my insecurities stamp their feet and demand to be noticed any time I try to get the courage to talk about some of the things that I love , things that are so deeply personal that to have them cast aside by someone I care for would wound me far more deeply than I would care to admit . My writing , for example ; I am always nervous to discuss it , in fear that others will dismiss this humble little dream of mine , afraid that they will read my words and decide that I am just not particularly good at it . I hate to admit that their opinions do matter to me ; it 's not that they could ever convince me to stop writing , it is as much a part of my identity as my nose is an integral part of my face . But they could conceivably convince me that perhaps my words should be for my alone , and that maybe this dream just isn 't right for me to chase . They have the power to give a louder voice to my fears and insecurities , and I don 't know what kind of damaged that emboldened voice could do . But yesterday I was given a tiny little nudge of support in the form of a little coffee mug . It came from my soon - to - be in - laws who have always shown me unquestioned support in all of my writing endeavors . It had a little writerly quote on it , and meant more to me than I was able to say . This was a physical acknowledgment of their support and acceptance of something that is deeply ingrained in me , it was a nod to the fact that over the years we have become close enough to share these silly little dreams . And it was a reminder that they have my back 100 % , no matter how many times I devolve into a babbling incoherent mess everytime they ask me about my current project . It was just a little coffee mug , but it meant so much more than that to me . Yesterday was a beautiful day for myself and my family ( minus the surprise illness of my fiancé , who is luckily already feeling a bit better today ) . I somehow managed to hit all of the important stops ( we were bouncing between houses like a ping pong ball ) , but inexplicably , this year I didn 't feel that same stress and strain . Perhaps because for once we all started out our day with only the hopes of spending a bit of quality time with one another . We took the time to step back and really see one another , have compassion for the year we have all endured together , and reminded one another of what was really important . We shared mountains of love instead of scaling heaps of unnecessary items . For the first year in ages I have walked away from the day feeling refreshed and revitalized . I can only hope that you , my friends , felt the same love and relaxation from a day that all too often loses its meaning . As we careen towards the fresh start of a new year , I will attempt to hold onto this peace I have found . For at least one more day , I am going to mosey around my house with my Santa slippers and fuzzy pajamas , drinking hot tea and watching family movies as my normally energetic puppers sleeps on my feet ( as it turns out , tearing up all of his new toys and hiding the TWO different bones people slipped to him yesterday has been a rather draining task ) . Today I will find comfort in - well , the daily comforts I so often push aside in my persuits of other ' more productive ' things . Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a step back and enjoy the rare gift of a peaceful moment while you have it . The new year is quickly approaching , and with it will come a fresh determination to tackle yet another list of goals , one more mountain to climb . So for today , I will rest and enjoy the journey that has brought me right here . I don 't know when our differences became bricks we used to wall ourselves in and close ourselves off from one another . I don 't know when we decided that we must scream to be heard in a world that is already far too loud . I don 't know when belittling another 's opinion made us feel more emboldened with our own . I have no idea when we decided that the world had to be seen in black and white , right and wrong ; without the shades of gray I 've always so dearly loved . We drew a line and determined that everyone must take a step , make a stand , choose a side . And then grab a stone to hurl towards the other crowd . All while forgetting that we know so many faces over there . If we demonize them and their ideals , then we can forget the people underneath . We seem to forget that this country of ours is not a comic book - we do not have heroes and villains . We have people . Perfectly flawed people with beautifully varied colors that shade our background and our perspectives . When did we decide that we had to prove the other side wrong to believe in our hearts that we are right ? When did we determine that there had to be a wrong answer ? Because tonight , I am exhausted . I am disheartened , I am frustrated . The worst part of this whole mess : we did this . We are still doing this . We want to point the finger at someone , we want to cast blame and doubt , we want to force the other side to concede when they feel just as righteous as we do . We are chasing each other around in circles and we don 't even recognize that the hate we are pointing out in them is also being mirrored in ourselves . I don 't care who you voted for , just as you don 't care which box I checked on that piece of paper . It doesn 't matter . No lines need to be drawn on my sand , there is no tallied score . We do not need to tear one another down to build ourselves up . We do not need to search the darkest corners of the other 's camp , and hold their worst up into the light as a glaring example of what is wrong with them and their opinions . Because these dark corners - they do not make up the whole of our respective camps . You can not paint millions of people with one brush . Those shadows - they are only a small percentage , they do not define the group . I am not a democrat . I am not a republican . I am not a conservative . I am not a liberal . I do not wear a label like a name tag . My views land all over that beautiful board we call democracy . What happened to us ? How long have we required a title ; locking someone up in a box with a small description of the contents - we do not belong in a zoo . ' Over here you will see the moral fallacies of the Republican Party , and if you take a left at the Statue of Liberty you will behold the dark lair of the Democrat and their misguided ideology . ' No . This is not us . This is not the country that I have always loved , this is not the country that I was raised to believe in . Not every person who voted for Trump is a racist . They do not all hate the LGBT community . They do not all feel that women are objects to be used and thrown away . Just the same way that not every person who voted for Clinton is corrupt , on a witch hunt for your guns , or a ' libtard crybaby , ' if I have my terminology correct . Yes , there are some that fall into these categories , but I do not believe that they are the majority . If anyone would take just a moment to stop and actually listen to someone of the opposing opinion without interrupting to explain why their views are better - then maybe they would come to this same conclusion . The point that I am trying to make is that , if you speak to people on either side of the line , you will realize that both have a deep misunderstanding of what is important to those opposing them . It is fueled by fear and misinformation . We need to stop assigning labels to people and inferring their beliefs and opinions based on these snap judgments . We do not belong in boxes . We do not need to drag others through the mud in order to bring more credence to our own beliefs . Wasn 't that the beauty of this country ? We were a haven for those who didn 't belong , those who were persecuted for their beliefs , for their views , for their way of life . We spilled our blood to defend our right to maintain our own opinions without fear . And here we are - destroying each other and everything that we hold dear . There is a difference between maintaining your views and being respectful of another 's . We are not monsters here , none of us are . And if we took away the labels , perhaps we would begin to realize that our views really aren 't that far apart . Perhaps we would begin to see the path that needs to be followed . Perhaps we would find our compassion again and rediscover the beauty that we used to see in one another long enough to listen - truly listen - with an open mind , without pre - recorded objections and insults to shoot out randomly like poisoned barbs . We are scared of one another - in a country that prides itself on bravery , we are terrified . Is that it - is that the crux of our anger ? Because we don 't know what will happen and we don 't recognize the world that we 've always lived in . We lost our compassion . I believe that we have a responsibility to one another . We have to look out for each other . We have to protect one another and our rights . I will admit that I am afraid for us , for my friends , for the values that I stand for ; but I am not alone . So to those of you who are in fear because of the color of your skin , your nationality , your religion , your gender , your sexual orientation - for those of you who feel exposed and unprotected in a world that suddenly feels so cold - I stand with you . I stand for you . I will not watch from a distance as you are screamed at , pushed , threatened or hurt . I will fight for you with every fiber of my being . Because I believe in you . I believe in your rights . I believe that you make us better , stronger , more compassionate . I believe that you bring light to a dark part of our society . In a world where you feel like your voice is being lost , I will listen . And to those of you who are afraid for your right to free speech , religion , the right to bear arms - I will protect you . I will not stand idly by if you are unjustly called a racist , a sexist , a homophobe , a xenophobe . I will defend you when you are in fear of retaliation for ideals that you personally do not hold . Whether your belief systems align with mine or not - I will not let someone harm you . Because I believe in peace , I believe in leading by example . I believe in treating others as I wish to be treated . I believe that we are responsible for creating the world that we wish to live in . In Portland yesterday there was a protest that devolved into a riot . It made international news - there was damage , and as I drove by the city today I could not miss the signs of hate left behind . But what you probably didn 't hear about are the volunteers who got up early today to clean up their city . They did not go to the protest , though many of them supported the protestors . They were not responsible for the damage . But they did not want to see their city hurt or torn apart by hate . So they cleaned , they painted , they erased the harm and brought back the beauty . The peaceful protestors that started the event did not condone the violence that erupted . And yet , though they did not personally resort to violence themselves , they still chose to raise money to pay for the damages . They raised $ 10 , 000 in one day . They took responsibility for the world they wanted to live in . These are not things that you will probably hear reported in the news . But these are the people that we must emulate - these are the one who responded to hate with love . They do not question who is right or who is worthy of their respect . They do not cast blame for what has happened . They simply want to see their community thrive . This is what we need . We need to protect each other . We need to respect each other . And we need to remember that our differences are the very things that make us so formidable . United we stand , divided we fall . I do not have to agree with you to respect you . No more hate . Our candidates have dropped their stones , the mud has stopped flying . That does not mean that we need to pick them up and continue this bitter war . We must stay vigilant ; we must still protect our ideals . But we do not have to destroy each other in the process . We are past the point of ' us ' versus ' them . ' No , now we must come together . The time for fighting is gone , the dice was cast and we have a future to work on . Now we need to look forward and have an open discussion . We have come too far to fall apart now . We are worth too much to destroy ourselves . Author katiebell318Posted on November 11 , 2016Categories Life , OpinionsTags 2016 , angry , clinton , compassion , election , fear , hate , love , peace , politics , protest , riot , sad , trumpLeave a comment on Love in a Time of Hate Salty Sea Air , Sun and Silence There is an inconspicuous little house on a beach somewhere , in a little town that is known for it 's local vibes as opposed to a tourist feel . It is the getaway for people like me who want the salty sea air and silence . It is the tourist destination for the hermits who don 't like tourists . My home is very busy ; hell , my life is very busy - sometimes all you need is a time out in a not - so - far - away place . This has become my haven when the world gets too loud and pushy . I have an escape just a few hours away from my home . When the world gets too busy , I crave the outdoors ; long wooded trails , overhanging trees , the burbling of a river ; nature makes me feel like myself again . But sometimes a walk through the woods just isn 't enough when you know you have to come back out again . Sometimes all you want is a reprieve , a quite place where you can turn off your phone if you wish and just curl up with a good book . Sometimes you need to put down your weekend warrior garb , hop in the car and drive off into the sunset for a change of scenery . I don 't come to the beach as often as I like , but every time I do I can feel my soul coming back to life , waking up from it 's overloaded catatonia . There is something calming about rolling sea waves and light winds , about late night storms and warm blankets . There is something invigorating about combing the beach for sea shells as the puppy chases the sandpipers and sea gulls , or cooking dinner side by side with your partner in crime . There is something healing about hours spent reading books and watching old movies . There is something beautiful in the simplicity of this temporary beach life . When I was a little kid we used to come to this same beach with my grandparents and all of my aunts , uncles and cousins . We would spend whole weekends here with the gang , and I remember how much I loved it . That was before life and family got so complicated . Now I 'm only a few doors down from that old house ; and while it 's proximity is comforting , it 's nice to be somewhere a little bit different , a place that has room for new experiences instead of crowding me with old memories and phantoms of my past . This morning I sit here with a cup of hot coffee , the sun pouring in through the window . It 's quiet as Zach and Link ( the dog ) are both still sleeping . All that I hear are the comforting clicks from my keyboard . It 's the perfect way to spend the morning . In a few minutes I am sure that they will both be up . We will drink our coffee while we cook breakfast together , dodging popping bacon grease and attempting the master the pancake flip . Then we will grab our sweatshirts and mosey out to the beach for one more lazy walk with the dog before we come back , clean , pack up the car , and make our way back to civilization . When we get home we will jump back into the fray like we had never left . But my soul will feel lighter , my smile will be broader , the sparkle will be back in my eyes . Because when I escape my regular world , I rediscover myself . I can go back to my life and appreciate the sounds because I have been enveloped by the calming silence . Until next time , you beautiful place , I will miss you . Because there will always be a next time . This is my safe place , the spot that restores my soul , the calm in the eye of the storm . This is where I remember who I am ; and don 't we all need something like that ? What about you , my friends ? What is your escape ? Is it a place , a thing , an activity ? What makes you feel whole in this busy world of ours ? Author katiebell318Posted on September 11 , 2016Categories LifeTags beach , escape , happy , Life , peace , relax , reprieve , safe placeLeave a comment on Salty Sea Air , Sun and Silence A Tidbit about Tipsy Typer As tempting as it is to use this blog as an excuse imbibe with a few margaritas ( blended , naturally ) , before clickity - clacking my way through a few new pages , that wasn 't the intent . Write drunk , edit sober is more of an analogy on how to view the work . It means to write without limits , be bold , throw inhibition to the wind and dig deep . When you write you must embrace your passion . But when you edit , proceed with a meticulous hand . So rest assured , this is no alcoholic author 's lair ( though , if you offer a Blue Moon , I wont say no ) .

… yesterday was an awesome , wonderful day , in part because it was my birthday , and so full of doings and whatnottery that I didn 't see the computer screen for anything but my morning writing . I do have a post about baking to share this weekend . I 'll update this post when it 's finished . Hope that everyone is having a wonderful day ! It 's OK . You 're allowed to look at me funny . Whoever heard of somebody who 's embarrassed to feel happy ? Who will start blushing at the thought that she 's given the slightest indication she likes you . Who hides her smiles and can 't seem to figure out how to say thank you or I miss you or I love you . I love you so much that I imagine our future life and feel giddy , like a child . I want to dance . I want to smile . I have to control smiles . I want to express gratitude . But I fear you 'll laugh , or lord whatever it is I am grateful for over my head , or you 'll think I 'm silly for thinking that what you did is something that I should be grateful for , when clearly you did it for these other people who deserve it so much more , or you did it out of social obligation , or … A dawning realization , taking hold again and again , each time enlightening , each time promising to save me from myself and make this awful paranoia / distrust / fear / ungratefulness go away . Now , now that I know : this isn 't normal , I can fix it . I can fix the way I think . I can accept your gratitude and show you that I care . She said , I like your dress . I looked at her sweater . Wanted to compliment her . Pretty sweater . Said nothing . She saw me look at her sweater deliberately and not say anything to return the compliment . Now she thinks I think her sweater is ugly . Another girl gave me a gift . Simple gift . A gift card . She doesn 't know me that well and I 'm not that easy to get to know . But I 've been eyeing that pair of red faux - velvet gloves for weeks now , and the gift card is exactly the amount of money I couldn 't afford to spend on them . Now I can express gratitude ! Thank you ! She can see how excited I am . I 'm showing something real . Excitement for a new pair of beautiful gloves . So soft and thick and warm . So deep and rich in color , so elegant in form . Great . The only time I seem to express a sincere emotion and it 's about receiving a gift . How selfish can I be ? Thank her one too many times . What is wrong with me ? It 's just a gift card . A gesture . A gift of obligation thanks to secret Santa . So embarrassed . Try not to dwell . Write your grandma . It 's not what you write , it 's the fact that you write at all . Sit down with a blank page , write a thousand words . Put it away . Find more paper . Write thirty words . It 's not so embarrassing . She 'll appreciate it just the same . I 'll send this . Sometimes I find letters I wrote to my grandma years ago , buried away in an old notebook , heartfelt and longing . Then I write another short note . Or worse . She never really noticed I was gone . ( And isn 't it awful of me to feel that that 's the worse of the two options ? That her feeling pain is somehow better than her not feeling pain ? ) So my mom and sister drove down to see Jon and me yesterday and take us out to lunch . We had lovely discussions and I realized that , though my mom can be oddly judgmental a lot , she really doesn 't mean any harm by it . So that was a nice little ' it 's time to grow up , Dee ! ' moment . But , of course , today 's blog is not about complicated mother - daughter relationships . It 's about baking . So why 'd I start by writing about my mom and sister 's visit ? Simple . Yesterday was the first time they saw our new , teeny apartment . I showed mom the French bread and the pumpkin Challah bread we made , and she asked if I 'd really actually been baking in this kitchen . This kitchen being only slightly larger than a moderately comfortable bathroom . Proudly , I said , " Yes ! " and she chuckled and nodded and said , " Cool ! " You see , baking in such a tiny kitchen , and pretty much all cooking in general , is difficult . We have about eight inches of counter space on either side of our sink , a bookshelf on top of which we keep our slow cooker , a short black table , and the stove . I mention the short part of the black table because that 's the only surface we can really cut our vegetables on - one side of the sink has the coffee maker , and that 's about the only thing that can fit there , and the other side has our make - shift dish rack ( and by this I mean a towel ) . And in order to cut vegetables on this table , you have to hunker your shoulders and lean forward . It 's mildly uncomfortable . But we make do . A couple times a week , if we can afford it , one of the three of us housemates likes to make dinner or cookies or ( this week ) a loaf of bread or two . It requires a juggling of kitchen tools and food that 's difficult to conjure into words - I 'm hoping the use of the word ' juggling ' gives a vivid enough image that you get the idea . And the thing is , it would be so easy to be lazy about cooking and baking with a kitchen as small as ours . As often as we can , though , we find comfort , solace , and a sense of purpose in the kitchen . We feed ourselves and each other , sharing our stresses and finding reasons to laugh . So , onto the baking segment of Friday Baking . As I said , this week , we made two loaves of French bread and a loaf of the Golden Pumpkin Challah bread recipe I posted earlier in the week . Also , we made pumpkin cookies . First , a note on the Challah bread . Somehow , in the midst of creating what should have been a masterpiece of sweet , chewy , pumpkin - y perfection , we forgot to add the sugar . When I first realized this , I thought to myself , Well , the sugar is there to feed the yeast , right ? Maybe it won 't be terrible ? I mean , the yeast has other things to feast on , like the pumpkin . Perhaps my understanding of yeast is a little wobbly , but I was pretty sure it wouldn 't be a problem . After the bread came out of the oven , I remembered the sugar is also a tenderizer , cutting into gluten strands and making bread and other baked goods more delicate . So we ended up with Challah bread that had the consistency of French bread . Not bad , but not the amazing , I - would - walk - forty - years - in - the - desert - for - this loaf that I was hoping for . And the French bread … well , I wasn 't in charge of it passed the first fermenting time , because I had to go to work . So the fact that they were flat , almost unrisen disks when I returned had nothing to do with me ! I swear ! Anyway , from what I gathered , the loaves were placed too close together on the pan for their second proofing , and when my roommate saw that they 'd melded together , he tried to reform them or punch them down again . So while they turned out fairly tasty , we all learned to give proofing loaves of bread more space ( because , you know , they are supposed to double in size ) . Working in a tiny kitchen , as I mentioned , can be frustrating . Sometimes the frustration , the tight - space , the way trying to work with somebody else just makes everything more claustrophobic , can lead to mistakes . Silly little mistakes that make you huff and puff and questions yourself as a baker . I 've made Challah bread about six times over the course of Autumn semester and it turned out fine ! Suddenly I make it in my home and it 's of lackluster quality , striking out on my ' I would totally serve this in a bakery ! ' test that I put all of my baked goods through . It 's maddening , and on those days when I can feel myself doubting more than usual , I start to wonder who the heck I think I am , trying to become a professional pastry chef in the face of an astronomically absent - minded brain . Set oven to pre - heat at 350 degrees F . Cream together butter and sugar . Mix pumpkin , egg , and vanilla . Add to butter and sugar . Mix all dry ingredients together , then add gradually to mixture . Drop spoonfuls onto greased pans and bake for 18 - 20 minutes . There is also a glaze that goes with it , although we did not make this glaze . Also , we ran out of sugar ( grrrrr ) and had to use half sugar and half brown sugar . The cookies still turned out incredible . My sophomore year of high school , I remember talking to an older friend about the senior AP English reading list . She told me about this book called The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell , explaining how it was about Jesuit priests in space . From that moment on , I knew I had to be in AP English my senior year . When I got there , when I read that book , it rooted itself into my soul as one of my favorites . Incredibly well - drawn characters , a heart - breaking journey in which two cultures meet for the first time and miscommunication ensues . It amazed me to learn that The Sparrow was Russel 's first book . So , of course , I got my hands on anything else of hers I could find . I read Children of God . It didn 't tear my heart to shreds , and being of reader ! type : masochist , I didn 't love it quite as much as The Sparrow . Still , it made my list of annual rereads . I purchased A Thread of Grace three years ago , along with Vamped : A Novel by David Sosnowski and Sunshine by Robin McKinley , two books also recommended by my previously mentioned older friend . Both books were good , but something about A Thread of Grace daunted me . I 'd heard that Russel had decided which characters to kill based on coin tosses , and knew that the book would likely pitch me into a week - long depression . After all , if the characters were half as lovely and incredible as the characters in The Sparrow , in which you at least know who 's going to die right from the get - go , my poor heart wouldn 't stand a chance . So the book followed me around , unopened , but lovingly placed on the shelf next to The Sparrow and Children of God , for three years . I kept it with me out of a deep respect for the author and the knowledge that , someday , I would be strong enough to read it . Yesterday , I picked it up , flipped it open , and braced myself for the worst of the worst . All of an hour ago , I finished it ( hey , winter break , yo ) . It is , as expected , a heart - breaking book . Even in the hands of a lesser author , of course , any book about World War II is bound to be some sort of depressing . In A Thread of Grace , though , it 's not all of the death and tragedy that really breaks your heart . It 's the compassion that Russel shows for all of her characters . It 's the dozens of singular moments of grace displayed by at - times cranky , irritating , " shithead " humans . It 's the constant voice throughout the book challenging you to withhold your judgment , to simply step into these characters ' shoes , and live as they lived . There seems to be no shortage of love for Mary Doria Russell . Another glowing review is not my intent with this post . Instead , I want to talk about the feeling I was struck with yesterday , about a third of the way through the book . The realization that , though the events in this book , right from the get - go , are traumatic and horrifying , I was not reacting emotionally . At least , not in the way that I responded emotionally to The Sparrow . At one point I turned to Jon and said , I can 't tell if these characters just aren 't as real as the ones in The Sparrow or if I 've just grown more cynical since I was 18 . I 'm not feeling that ache of sorrow in my chest . And I 'll admit , the book did not once make me cry , although it launched a couple hour - ish long sessions of simply laying down and taking stock of the world . Having finished the book , I think I may have been right about the cynicism thing , although not in exactly the way I was thinking of when the thought first occurred . The characters are intense and quirky , unique from each other and easily identifiable despite the sheer number of them . It 's not the writing that failed to evoke immediate , intense emotional response . I have mellowed out , a lot . My reaction feels like an old , tired sadness , a feeling which I used to treat as an enemy but has , through the years , become a kind of solitary friend . I believe this book would have infuriated me at 18 . I would have chosen sides . I would have read , my heart - racing , my muscles taut , with my awareness centered completely on trying to figure out which of the characters were the most right . The end would have sucker - punched me into a moody contemplative silence that overshadowed my days for at least a week . One of the characters , about midway through the novel , identifies a man he is talking to as someone who has seen war . The man asks , How can you tell ? The other man responds , Nothing I say surprises you . It kind of makes me think of one of my bosses at work , who talks candidly about her life . I 've been thinking a lot lately , about how I don 't know how to respond to being told about personal horror stories . Or rather , I worry that my response is interpreted as unfeeling and cold . I usually don 't say anything . I just nod . I tried , once , to say , ' I 'm so sorry that happened to you , ' but the words felt clunky and wrong . If I could be more candid about some of the things I 've been through , or had to accept or witness , I wouldn 't want that response . In part , I feel that my boss is so candid with me because my response is so mute . I nod . I listen . I am not shocked . ( Could … also be that she 's a little crazy . A lot of crazy people talk to me because I 'm quiet , I think , and a little too eager to not offend … that may or may not be the topic of another post . ) I was not shocked by this book . I was shocked by The Sparrow when I first read it . But the emotional intensity of horror has faded as I 've become more at peace with my own negative emotions and hang - ups and tried to let go of snap judgments . A Thread of Grace is more heart - warming than heart - breaking , more concerned with highlighting the grace of God in people than the awful things that we are capable of , despite the book being about the worst massacre in modern history ( in human history ? ) . I seem to meet a lot of people who consider themselves hardened and made bitter by the world , who will look at me contemptuously should I show the slightest sign of optimism or faith in people . They seem to say , or will say flat out , that I simply haven 't learn how the world " really " works . As if I 'm supposed to believe that the One True Lesson in life is that everybody 's out to get you and faith / optimism are childish traits that get weeded out when you grow " wise . " As if the greatest secret in life is that people can be douche nozzles . ( People ? Douchey ? Never ! * le gasp * ) Anyway . A Thread of Grace is a beautiful book , almost overloaded with sentimentality ( maybe I am a little more cynical ) but mellowed by humorous dialogue and believably ornery characters . Am definitely glad I read it . Whether or not it 'll join the annual re - reading list , I haven 't decided . That list probably can 't hold too much more without some cuts . In December of 2001 , my life changed forever . I 'll admit that there wasn 't much in the way of a life to change - at eleven years old , I was more or less guaranteed at least a few life - altering events in my future . I just don 't think I expected one of those life - changing events to be the release of a movie , the first in a trilogy that would come to shape how I saw myself as a person . Fantasy became more than just a genre for bad puns ( Piers Anthony ) and teenage wizards ( do I really need to specify ? ) . It also became , for the first time in my life , a foundation on which to make friends , instead of merely an escape from the world in which I had none . In short , because I watched Fellowship of the Ring and subsequently read the trilogy , I became friends with a girl named Krista Haman , and not just friends , but best friends . We changed each others ' lives irrevocably . We 've had the kind of friendship that is the reason songs like For Good become cliche . A couple weeks ago I visited my parents in the town where we both went to high school , where she still lives , and we saw each other briefly . She mentioned that she 's been attempting to write out the story of our friendship . I did not know what to say . How do you tackle so many years between two girls who simultaneously built each other up and tore each other down ? How do you write that , when all of the memories are tangled in nostalgia and happiness , anger and guilt ? How do you even begin to fathom where to start ? But I carry with me this sense of having no idea who I am sometimes and I feel like it 's not having Krista as a sounding board that leaves me floundering for any kind of sense in my own thoughts . It 's not understanding how to be a person without her , when for so long , she gave me a sense of meaning , she provided a foundation upon which I could be assured in myself . I 'll be the first to admit it wasn 't always a healthy friendship , but for at least six years , she defined me . That part of the relationship has more or less been over for quite some time now , but I still feel like I just can 't quite figure out who I am without her there . It 's not that she ever told me who to be or that I didn 't have the self - confidence to be myself - not entirely , anyway . It might just be as simple as the fact that when I told her my thoughts and feelings , she found a way to repeat what I had said in a way that made me feel just a little bit better about myself . It feels like this kind of friendship either happens to everyone , or no one . If it happens to everyone , they 've learned all of the lessons ; where I am blind , they see . Where I flounder for answers , they smile knowingly and nod ; they say , ' You just have to figure it out for yourself , ' as if there is some kind of secret , some kind of answer that , upon being smart enough to figure out , sends you to an exclusive club for People Who Know Better . And I don 't want to admit how much I crave access to this club and I don 't want to reveal that I 'm not a part of it . I have not seen The Hobbit yet , and for me , this is loaded . The idea that it 's out . That it 's been 11 years since that fateful December afternoon when I was introduced to Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee , and that , throughout all of this , the woman who connected my love of stories with the sense that I could actually have friends who loved them too is a couple hundred miles away , and might as well be several thousand , for all the good it would do to call her up and ask her how she 's been . I already talked about my semester being over - well , now it really is . All of the exams are out of the way , and for the next three weeks I don 't have to put on those damn stiff chef pants . However , I also don 't , even once , get to spend five hours making baked goods in a professional - grade kitchen . So , today I want to talk about my favorite recipe from this semester , challah bread . Challah bread is a traditional Jewish bread braided into loaves with twelve knots . Thanks to Wikipedia my exhaustive research efforts , I now know a little bit about the story of why Challah bread is so important . It was the bread that God sent down from the heavens everyday ( except the Sabbath and holidays , which he made up for by sending two loaves on the days before ) while the Israelites made their famous forty - year - long desert trek . That 's about the point where I am in the Bible . From what I remember , the Israelites very much doubted that God was on their side at this point . I would be , too , if I had to spend well over half my life walking in the desert . But for what it 's worth , let me say ( as a largely non - religious person ) , if God were dropping this on my head every day , I could probably forgive anything . 1 . In a large bowl , sprinkle yeast over barely warm water . Beat in honey , oil , 2 eggs , and salt . Add the flour one cup at a time , beating after each addition , graduating to kneading with hands as dough thickens . Knead until smooth and elastic and no longer sticky , adding flour as needed . Cover with a damp clean cloth and let rise for 1 1 / 2 hours or until dough has doubled in bulk . 2 . Punch down the risen dough and turn out onto floured board . Divide in half and knead each half for five minutes or so , adding flour as needed to keep from getting sticky . Divide each half into thirds and roll into long snake about 1 1 / 2 inches in diameter . Pinch the ends of the three snakes together firmly and braid from middle . Either leave as braid or form into a round braided loaf by bringing ends together , curving braid into a circle , pinch ends together . Grease two baking trays and place finished braid or round on each . Cover with towel and let rise about one hour . 5 . Bake at 375 degrees F for about 40 minutes . Bread should have a nice hollow sound when thumped on the bottom . Cool on a rack for a least one hour before slicing . It 's about the selection of active dry yeast . If you can find it , use instant dry yeast . It 's just better . First , there 's no chance of getting this weird off quality in the bread because , unlike active dry yeast , 25 % of the yeast isn 't dead when you incorporate it into the recipe . Think of that ! All that poor , dead yeast , not even getting the chance to feast and release its gases before you pop it into the … Second , you don 't have to use as much of it . Using about 20 % less instant dry yeast than active dry yeast will provide you with the same leavening . Thirdly , you can just incorporate instant dry yeast into the flour . That makes this recipe a ton simpler , because you can just toss all of the ingredients together . Since instant dry yeast absorbs water quicker and more efficiently than active dry yeast , you don 't need to let it sit in the warm water for any amount of time . I have made challah bread several times this semester ( though not with the recipe above ) , and it has far and away been the favorite thing that I have brought home from class . It 's chewy , eggy , sweet , and soft . I truly believe that it would make marvelous French toast , and I just found a recipe for PUMPKIN Challah - called Golden Pumpkin Challah Recipe - which looks flat . out . freaking . amazing . So that 's my weekly baking segment . In honor of Hanukkah - whether you celebrate it or not - I would strongly advise you go make this bread . You will never want to stop eating it . In an effort to answer this prompt with something resembling the truth , allow me to share with you a recent conversation I had with Jon . This transpired after a bantering session in the car . Later that night , after the bantering ended with both of us being mildly amused and the conversation dropping , the night toned down into one of those nights where I 'm on the computer and Jon is hobby - ing it up with the paints downstairs . After reading for awhile , something he said in the car takes a hold of my brain . I start picking over it and analyzing it and getting incredibly angry that he would say such a thing . How he said it is gone . The context in which he said it is gone . All that 's left is anger that he said it at all . So I traipse downstairs , grab the tobacco , and bring it back upstairs , knowing that he will be up eventually to take it back . That 's right , ladies and gents . This lady went agro , and then she went passive aggressive agro , and then she fumed for another half hour while waiting impatiently for her loving , wonderful boyfriend to fall into her trap . And when he did , here 's what happened : I honestly don 't know what else there is to say about that . That I 'm working on it ? It took me so long to realize that I did it at all , and even longer to realize that I am rarely , if ever , justified in these moments of rage . On the whole , I 've got other flaws , and I 've got good qualities , too ( somewhere ) . But this one flaw has caused inordinate amounts of damage in my life , and despite recognizing it 's here , it not only continues to cause damage when I indulge in it , but the damaging effects of past outbursts are still rippling throughout most of my relationships . I want flaws that aren 't really flaws . Or flaws that make me quirky instead of frightening . But my flaws are exactly the opposite of that . I want too much to be seen as someone who is selfless ; it 's its own form of selfishness . I want too much to be seen as completely reasonable ; it 's its own form of madness .

Tim and I had a very blessed Christmas , we were spoiled by our family and friends and spent 2 amazing days with his side and my side of the family . Now we spend the last 4 days of 2009 together and gear up for 2010 ! ! ! So many new things going on and in store for 2010 . Tim : He has started his own Construction / Handyman company , officially Registered and Insured with Putnam County ! ! ! I am so proud , he has been wanting to do this for a while and finally put his mind to it . 2010 will be the official start . House : The seller 's signed the contracts and we received them Dec 22nd ! Tentative closing is January 30th , 2010 . We are still packing up , trying to sell furniture . Anyone need a complete Twin Bedroom , expensive Vaughan Collection ? Baby : Tuesday is the big day ! ! ! We will find out is Baby Nugget is a boy or girl . Names are picked out , just waiting to see which one we will use . First Grandchild coming 2010 ! Karen : I have become obsessed more than usual with decorating and baby items . I am hoping that after Tuesday I can come up with a nursery theme and start getting things ready . You know me , the Do - It - Yourself girl , I am going to make / design most myself . Tim may even help with making some of the furniture for the new house and nursery . Well check back later in the week for the U / S results . Make your guesses under comments too : ) Boy or Girl ? ! I can 't believe how much time flies lately . Just yesterday I feel were were sitting in the doctors and finding out we were expecting . Now the next time we go to the doctors we are going to find out boy or girl . We have a girl name , still deciding on a boy name . I am most excited to go shopping after the appointment on Tuesday 12 / 29 ( 1 week ) , blue or pink ! ! Here are the current belly shots : Tim proposed down in VA at the Normandy 's XMAS party . I can 't believe it has been that long . Just wanted to share . COUNTDOWN UPDATE : 14 days : BABY GENDER7 days : until school is done for break ! So my belly is growing as well as my butt ! My size 2 , 4 & 6 pants no longer fit and were put away over the weekend . I went to look for maternity pants and found nothing I liked . Everything was frumpy and blah , so I bought more leggings , I love leggings . I have a doctor 's appointment tomorrow , just a check up , I wish they could tell me what Nugget is . I feel movement but not sure if it is faint kicking or just body bubbles . I can 't wait until we can feel Nugget , although I am sure I will be complaining of them keeping me up all the time once I do . I am really enjoying my sleep , I have been waking up at 6 : 30am each morning , I should have been up at 6 . I also have been waking up in the middle of the night a lot . Only 9 more days untl XMAS break and boy do I need it after this past week . At that point I am off of work for 10 days . During those 10 days : I am celebrating XMAS , finding out what the baby in my belly is going to be and packing up my house for a move . Until then my life is wrapped up in work . Please make these next 12 work days fly by ! XOXO Karen 27 Days until we find out what the nugget is . Boy or Girl ? 23 Days until Christmas ! ! ! ! 15 More School Days until a 10 day break ! Home Update : The House was inspected on Tuesday . Everything looks good , we are waiting for the contracts to get to our Lawyers so we can sign them . Now I need to sell furniture in my house and pack . Baby Update : I cannot sleep and have to use the bathroom all the time . I still have 25 weeks to go also . We are looking into furniture for the nursery , we have agreed on dark wood . ( One fight avoided ) . I am buying weights for my arms - they have always been toned and now they are not : ( I have to get into a bridesmaid dress 2 months after birth ! Yikes ! ! ! School : 3 months down ! With Love Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving . I hope everyone had a good time shopping too . I know I did , we went out Friday at 4 : 30am with Kim , Mom , and two of Kim 's friends . We hit tons of stores and got great deals so it was very exciting . Here are updated pictures of my growing belly : 15 Weeks 2 days here So last week we had put offers on a house , countered back and forth and then gave up . We said thanks but no thanks and walked . They came back with their last offer after that point . We decided we go back out looking at homes and decide then . Today we went out and brought my dad to 3 houses plus the one we put offers on . Upon returning to the office we submitted the paper work to accept their counter . So hopefully sometime this week we will know if they accept and go into contracts next week ! I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed . Tim is shooting for a closing by December 30th . We shall see . Once we go into contract I will post pictures . Also this past week , we went to the doctor to see the baby . The nugget is looking like an alien , but a cute one ! ! I have to put the pictures up , my scanner broke though , so they will be pictures of pictures . December 28th is the big appointment to see if Nugget is a boy or girl ! ! ! We can 't wait . With Love We found a house and placed an offer . The seller 's countered , we replied , and now we wait . I am nervous but after the last one fell through , I am trying not to get my hopes too high . Tomorrow , Saturday , we should hear back , probably with another counter . The house is small , but cute and perfect for Tim and I plus the new baby on its way . Other news : morning sickness is not my friend . Why at now 13 weeks is it hitting me like a bag of bricks ? I can 't sleep , I am sick , I want to eat but can 't because nothing is appealing . Seriously ? I wish this would stop , and all I hear is it is going to get worse and my sleep with be gone when the baby is here , which is fine if I can get my sleep now . Today my mom and I went to Babies R Us and she can 't get over how much has changed over the years . She was amazed , it was fun to look and see the cute bedding and toys . I can 't wait for registering time . ! ! ! Well I will update about the house SOON ! ! 9 Weeks ( + 2 . 5 = 131lbs ( 6 lbs since BFP ) 11 Weeks ( above and below ) More to come . Enjoy basking in my weight gain ! With Love Already 1 / 2 way through the 1st week of November . This month is going to fly , 4 days off from students ( 3 off from the students ) , weekends , holidays , bring on Christmas . I survived the first round of student report cards , I am so happy they are done . This year there is so much required of me as a teacher compared to last year . I am beginning to understand how much of a joke Medical Science was . Lesson plans , observations and team work did not exist and the school does not prepare you at all for real teaching . The pregnancy is going well . I enter the 12th week on Friday , I can 't believe we are 12 weeks already , it was yesterday that we found out . I have my new belly pictures to upload , once I get them onto the computer . I know picture queen that I am is slacking on the pictures . I am also becoming the worst wife around the house . I haven 't put away my laundry in weeks , I still haven 't unpacked from when we went away over Columbus weekend . I haven 't done the dishes in days or anything else besides : school work , sleep , eating and watching TV to relax . I don 't know what I would do without Tim . Since we found out , Tim has been doing everything for me . He has been cleaning the house like crazy , dealing with the dogs and running around doing all our errands and OF COURSE COOKING ! ! I love him , and he is the best I could ask for . Even at the times I want to bite his head off . I hope to start to feel better soon and go back to being me soon too . My organization has gone out the window . So , if you find it send it back my way . Well its approaching 10pm , my bedtime , and I need to get there . I promise to get the pictures up by the weekend ! Also I hope to have an update to the house hunting . XOXO Karen Hope all is well with everyone . Last week , I was out of work 2 days with Strep Throat . I took the medicine though and it was wonderful ! I feel so much better , and feel better than before . This weekend was busy for us both . Tim is building a deck for family friends and I helped celebrate my parents 28th wedding anniversary with them Sunday walking across the Hudson Walkway bridge . It was beautiful with all the trees changing . We contacted a real estate lawyer . I hope to have contracts in the making by this weekend . Keep your fingers crossed for us . Once that happens I will post pictures . Halloween is this weekend too , Tim and I are supposed to go to a party but I am not even sure anymore . I know I have NO costume and neither does Tim . We shall see . School is going good . I am going to have to wait and apply to grad school in the Spring . Nothing is ready in time , and I can 't be worrying about it now . Who knows what the Spring will bring too . I am going to keep looking , look for scholarships and apply to more schools in the Spring since I will have more time . Then try to start in the summer . Fingers crossed . I am giving myself a December deadline to have everything done and ready to be mailed . Until next time . . . xoxoxo 9 / 11 / 095 Weeks7 Weeks + 3 . 5 lbs = 128 . 5lbs . 8 WeeksI know most know by now but making the official blog announcement for those who don 't know yet . My due date is May 21 , 2010 . We found on on September 11th , when I went to the doctor because Tim was still in disbelief after taking tons of at home tests . The dollar store ones proved right ! ! So far though , we went to the ER once for some bleeding , but everything turned out alright and we got to hear the heart beat for the first time at 7 weeks . The next day , on Tim 's Birthday we went to the OBGYN and got the first picture of the peanut and saw the heart beat again . My next appointment is on the 18th of November . We are excited to see the changes at that point . Around Christmas / New Year 's is when we find out the sex of the baby , which we will be doing . I don 't do surprises and want to plan and have the nursery set up before hand in either boy or girl stuff . Picking names is going to be hard enough too . I am taking belly photos throughout the pregnancy , as it is I have gained 5 pounds since getting pregnant . Pretty sure most of that went to my chest . They have become the most painful things . . This week I went to the doctor and was told I have Strep throat , YUCK ! I hate being sick , now being sick and pregnant is just horrible . So lots of rest and liquids for me . Tim and I at the Look Out Point of Route 23Some of the Family at the Haunted HouseTim doing Karaoke with the Leonard LeopardsTim and I at the Bronx Zoo ( above ) Tim 's Birthday at the Haunted Hayrides with Friends ( below ) The cold weather has come and I want heat ! My job is going well , I love my coworkers and my students are finally learning how to walk in the staircase and hallways . Who would think it would take 3rd graders over a month ? We went upstate to Glenbrook for Columbus Weekend with family and it was great seeing everyone . We went to Octoberfest at Hunter Mountain , had a camp fire at the camper while some of the kids went into the Haunted House . The food was delish too ! Back to work tomorrow , at least it is a 4 day week again . October is almost 1 / 2 way through , Christmas will be here before we know it . We are still house hunting , but shopping around for mortgages now also . We hope to have things figured out by the end of the month . With Love Rain rain go away ! This morning we woke up to our Truck keyed ( yes the new one ) . I am beyond pissed . At least tomorrow there is no school and another day of rest . I can 't stop sleeping to catch up on all I have missed since school started . Friday night Tim had a bunch of guys from the Firehouse up to the Go - Kart track to race , Kim and I went to Amy 's for pizza . It was yummy and homemade ! ! After we joined the boys at the go - kart place and went to the bar . In other news , I received an email from someone this week about missing our friendship . It 's ironic that one can send that at 25 but still act like high school and block me on Facebook . How am I supposed to respond ? Too bad in 9 months too much stuff has been said , too many shows have been put on by a certain mother and then you want to " turn back time " and " miss the good times we had . " What has been said has been said . I wonder the truth behind it or is it that so much has been said about OTHERS to me and that could be damaging ? Especially with proof . Well tonight 's post has been more venting then happy news but thats life sometimes ! Over and out ! xoxo Karen We finally applied and was approved for a mortgage ! ! YAY ! ! We still have yet to find a house though we both agree on . We hope to be able to get the tax credit if we buy before December 1st . So much change in a short time . The new job is going , I feel as much as I liked the younger kids I should teach middle school . I am so confused . One day maybe I will figure it out . We bought another car - 97 Ford Explorer for me to drive to work everyday . It 's really nice , I am so happy . So wish us luck that we find a place soon without much stress . Today I went to my new school for my new job as a 3rd grade regular ed teacher . My classroom is HUGE ! I will have a whole reading area with carpets and tons of books that are grade appropriate unlike last year . I just have to empty out about 50 bags full of those books and organize them . I am looking at having about 24 students . I have a few computers , not sure if they work yet though and tons of closets with hooks for the kids stuff . I am going back Wednesday with more of my stuff and to continue to set up the room . It is still very overwhelming , but I am excited , I just want school to start so I don 't have to worry anymore . I still will worry but at least I will know what I really am dealing with . Tim and I are trying to pay off a lot of our debt this year . We have a goal and hopefully we will be able to meet it . Only $ 200 more and 1 credit card will be 100 % paid off ! ! We paid off $ 3000 on Friday at once with the grant that came in for me working in a low - end school last year . What else went on this weekend ? We went to Hunter 's 5th birthday - he got double presents since Tim and I couldn 't agree , MY GIFT WON ! ! I bought him Geo Tracks train set booster pack from the movie Cars , and Tim picked out Nerf guns . He liked the guns but he likes trains better ! ! YAY ME ! Saturday Night - Bailey ran away for 4 . 5 hours , we searched everywhere , Amy and Patrick came up to watch a movie and helped us look too . We looked on every road nearby , the woods , the ditches ( fearing the worst ) , I contacted both the Sheriffs and Troopers . At 1 : 30am Amy and I went out posting signs for people to see in the morning in case anyone took him in since it was raining . After hanging up all the signs and driving around with the flashlight and calling his name more he came running up to the car like nothing happened . Tim was very happy his dog came home . Guinness had been sitting on the floor starring at the door all night or laying on the couch moping . It was funny to see how he knew something was wrong . Poor dog thought he may have lost his brother . With Love School starts back up in 2 weeks , just I finally have free time and starting to relax . The house we went to see yesterday that we were interested in is a no - go . It needs TOO MUCH work , at least 60 , 000 $ before even living it . I wish it could have worked out but it just wasn 't meant to be . So we will go back to casually looking and if something else comes along that spikes our interest we will look again . On Tim 's way home from work today the tire popped , literally spilt along the whole side . Now we need 2 new tires tomorrow . Have I mentioned how much I hate that car ? Now I am home playing with my pictures on the computer while Tim fixes a leak in someone 's wall . Then its Sunday night TV time and bed . Tomorrow I am baby sitting my favorite 2 boys ! ! Pray that this week goes by slow ! ! So we may have found a house . We are going to look at it tomorrow again , and if goes well bump our mortgage prequalfication to an approval . I am excited but at the same time not putting all my hopes up for the house . The house needs MAJOR work , and that is what we know from just driving and walking around it so far . No idea about structural damage , the house is 200 years old with a history a mile long . Which I think is one of the coolest things . The awful count down to working again has begun . I go in on the 31st to see my classroom and begin to set up and figure out the " game plan " for the year . I still can 't believe I am teaching 3rd grade and that I don 't have to return to my job from last year . YAY ! Keep you posted ! ! xoxo Our 1st Garden - Tomatoes , Cucumbers , and tons of PeppersAt the Renegade 's Game with Ryan for his 7th Birthday ! Finally I got around to adding some pictures , and I still have lots more . We started a garden this year , unfortunately our tomatoes got hit by the plague and Tim ripped out our those plants today . He is very proud of his cucumbers and making them into pickles . My farmer husband ! We went upstate on Friday night to spend the night camping with his cousins and sister and parents . We swam in the creek that has a rock slide , very cool until I thought there were leeches , but they turned out to be tiny snails . Thank God ! ! My brother turns 23 tomorrow - Happy 23rd Robert ! With Love and now it is August ! Soon I will be back at work , teaching 3rd grade at my new job . Yikes ! July was full of excitement and fun ! My sister , Kim , turned 21 and we celebrated all week long ! My cousin Daniel came up to NY with my Aunt and Uncle to visit and rode the quad with Tim . I went to the Katy Perry concert in NYC with Briana , went to a Bachlorette Party for one of Tim 's coworkers in the firehouse . Early evening rooftop bar at a new hotel in Brooklyn , a great time and experience . Then Sunday night 8 / 3 Tim and I went to the Jones Beach Theater to see Kid Rock and Lynard Skyndard - we had such a great time together . The ride home was long but well worth it . Monday morning was rough to wake up for work . I am trying to be better at posting and keeping everyone updated ! Stay tuned ! My first year as a teacher is OVER ! I made it through my first year as a 6th grade special ed teacher in the South Bronx . I will not be returning to the school next year , I am changing schools and grades . I was hired for 2 positions at 2 different schools and accepted a 3rd grade regular education position over a 5th grade CTT position . I think the 3rd grade is going to be better for me , I want to teach younger students , always have . Another year another challenge , bring it on ! Tim just marked 1 year at his fire house . He started the job July 4th , 2008 , we left the Jersey Shore early for his first day . This year we left the Jersey Shore a day early again so he could work too . I cannot be more proud of him and his accomplishments , first the US Navy and now the FDNY . Along with working every 4th of July since we have been married ; ) We also bought a new car 2 weeks ago . We bought a 2009 Dodge Ram Hemi 1500 ( I think thats how you say it ) . Our Colorado was a piece of crap , we couldn 't pass up the deal on the truck or the offer for our trade . I never thought I would like pick ups but I am learning to love them . I will get my Subraru eventually , that is the deal though . 4th summer vacation at the Jersey Shore , we went and are back ! ! Some how we lucked out on the weather , it was great . What we didn 't do is a shorter list . I can 't wait for the professional pictures to be posted up on the website . I will post my own soon though . We both have a busy summer planned ahead of us . Hope everyone is enjoying their summer ! ! ! ! Summer vacation is creeping up . Tim and I kicked off the summer season with spending time in the Catskills for Memorial Day Weekend with Eric , Clayton , Michael and Sean . We went quadding , the boys went fishing and we all hung out by the fire . A bunch of Tim 's family showed up to visit too . It was very relaxing , and the camper looks great . Nothing like camping and sleeping on a full bed without bugs ! Graduations mean parties ! Rob graduation UConn on May 10th ( Mother 's Day ) . Tim has cousins graduating high school and middle school . June is almost booked up completely on the weekends . We are looking forward to the Jersey Shore which is now only a month away . Kim , my sister , is now in Egypt until the 1st of June . Smooth sailing up the Nile , lucky her . Everything else is daily routines . I cannot wait until school is out and I have time to catch up on my reading , scrapbooking ( our Disney Vacation ) and going up to the Catskills whenever we have free time . Just a few updates on us . Stay tuned ! Only 2 more months until Summer ! May is going to be a busy month . It started off with a Communion Party , Boxing Match House Party and Baby Shower , this weekend is Bri 's 25th birthday , Mother 's Day and Rob 's College Graduation . Then I have Zootopia Concert with my sister on the 16th . Following that is Memorial Weekend in the Catskills and ending with a CF Walk and Memorial Dinner for our friends ' father . Can it be June yet ? What is good about a busy May is June will be here before we know it . Now if only the rain could stop , isn 't April supposed to be the rainy month ? We want to take out the motorcycle , quad and go up state more . Here is to the rain gods - STOP IT ! ! Hope everyone else is having a good start to May . XOXO Tim and I had a wonderful time in Florida and at Disney World . We only wish we could have stayed longer . We did 3 Disney parks , visited a few different beaches and visited the World 's Largest Harley Davidson at RossMeyers near Daytona , we also visited my friend Amy where she was staying with her sister 's family . Overall we did A LOT in 5 days . Alena was an amazing host and I loved her hot tub , it was so nice to come home and relax in the hot tub . She came to Epcot with us and was our tour guide at the beaches , making it possible for us to see dolphins and manatees , in return at the biker bar Tim wanted to go to she was hit on by a 69 year old named Guido LOL . We also were able to see and have dinner with Tim 's Aunt and Uncle at Raglan Road in Downtown Disney . I have pictures up on Facebook and have to make a link for the Shutterfly album too . Other updates : Tim has now put up the new roof on the camper , we went up yesterday and put in the new vents , scrubbed the outside and most of the inside of the camper . Memorial Weekend Irish Fest here we come ! ! I can 't wait for it to be completed and be able to go hang out up there whenever we want . Only 44 more days of school until Summer Break ! ! YAY ! ! So far for the summer we are going to the Jersey Shore , Catskills , maybe Lake George with some friends - looking into hotels . Along with nice motorcycle rides and rides on the Quad . We have a pretty busy summer ahead of us . If anyone would like to go up to the Catskills , please let us know . As always , the more the merrier ! With Love The year continues to fly by . Spring break starts Thursday for me and Friday Tim and I leave for Disney World ! ! We are both very excited to get down to the warm weather and relax . My birthday is also coming up , April 10th ( the day we leave ) and I am turning 24 , Tim got me a pink helmet for when we ride the quad and a fox racing shirt to wear . Very cute accessories . The camper is basically done being fixed , Tim and two friends tore off the roof and replaced it 2 weeks ago . Camping season , we 're ready ! ! Promised motorcycle picture : Finished Product ! April 3rd , marked 1 year since my grandma passed away . On Friday , my mom and I went to the grave and put out flowers and easter eggs . I still can 't believe it and not a day goes by that I don 't miss or think about her . At least I know she is still looking down on me . Goodbye for now ! Be back after Disney ! It has been a month ! Time is flying and I for one and not complaining because it means summer is approaching quickly . Tim injured his back last week and is currently going through physical therapy during the week . I am walk next to someone who moves like an 80 year old . My parents are almost back in NY after a trip to France for a week . I have received many phone calls , by the way they have sounded on the phone they are enjoying themselves . We are enjoying time with the cat Punk . He is staying with us currently and playing with the dogs once again ! St . Patrick 's Day marked 3 years we have had Bell the dog who resides with Grandpa Proctor . I can 't believe it has been 3 years already , Guinness turned 3 this week too . My pups are getting old , Punkie turns 4 in April , another animal birthday approaching quickly . The motorcycle is FINISHED , I just have to add some pictures to show everyone . I just am finishing my 4th term of teaching tomorrow , only 2 to go ! ! That is very exciting , my students were also well - behaved today and I am STILL the reigning champ of UNO cards ! ! Tim and I finally wound up with time off together . My break is coming to an end and I will be back at work on Monday . This week , we shopped , picked up parts for the motorcycle and ate out a bunch . My sister was home too for her break so we were able to go hang out also . We are currently house - hunting hoping to be in a home by the end of 2009 . This week we looked at 3 homes but none that were overly appealing . So our hunt continues . We also booked a vacation to DISNEY WORLD ! ! It will be Tim 's first time in Disney ever and our first vacation alone ever . We leave April 10th ( which will also be my 24th birthday ) and return to NY April 16th , 7 days in sunny Florida . This vacation will help get through the long month of March at work without any breaks / holidays . Disney here we come ! ! ! Tim and I are officially on vacation , although his lasts longer than mine . We kicked off the break by going to the Thayer Hotel in West Point for a dinner dance hosted by his Firehouse . We both had a great time and spent Saturday ( Valentine 's Day ) sleeping the day away . 100 days of school are completed , only 80 or so left . YAY ! ! Which is also scary because I need to start looking into grad school programs and start my masters . This coming weekend I am taking hopefully my last Teaching Exam for a while . ( crossing my fingers ) Only 4 more months until SUMMER TIME ! On Wednesday 2 / 4 I had surgery on my heart to cure SVT . ( My heart would race for no reason ) . I was pretty scared going in but once they gave me lots of good drugs I passed out . I woke up when it was over and got to see Tim , my mom and Bri down in my room . The hardest part was not being able to move for almost 7 hours so my legs got really sore . Actually my legs are still the only things that are sore and it hurts to stand up , sit down and walk at first . I am home the next few days until I return to work on Monday . Mini vacation ! ! ! Thanks to everyone who called , emailed or facebooked ! Your thoughts / prayers were so kind . With Love How it looked originally ( above ) Naked bike ( below ) , while Tim works on itTim has been busy working on his motorcycle . He took it apart , powder coated many parts , got a paint job for the tins and now putting it back together . It has been a busy project , but great for passing the winter months when he can 't ride . I am excited for the spring to get back on the bike with him and go riding . Above are before and during pictures . The final project will be posted as soon as it is done . It has been a year now since Tim joined the FDNY , time sure does fly . It seems like just yesterday he got out of the military and started the academy . For me work is going , 3 semesters down and 3 semesters to go until summer vacation ! Currently I am just looking forward to winter break in mid - February ! I wanted to share this picture from when we went to the indoor rock climbing gym . This is after we raced to the top ( I WON ! ! ) . I wished we lived closer because I would be at the gym all the time . It was so much fun , we went with Joe , Mike and Brett ( Mike 's Dad ) . It is such a great workout for your body ( my arms were sore for the next few days ) . For now , I am counting down the days until Spring and over the snow that makes my drive to work an adventure every time the white stuff falls . XOXO Christmas is over and 2009 is here ! We wish that everyone has a great year for 2009 . Tim started the year off working a 24 hour shift , while I spent it with my sister shopping and hanging out . Christmas was great this year thanks to our wonderful families and friends . Thanks everyone , one again . I have been enjoying my vacation time , although it is quickly coming to an end . Check back soon ! Karen is the Author and Mom of The Proctor Fam , where she updates with the latest on whats going on with her family , latest products she loves and reviews of places they have been . She started Apple Moms HV , LCC to provide local resources to moms and families in the HudsonValley region . When she is not blogging she is teaching young children as a special educator for EI / CPSE , or driving her children around for their latest adventures . View my complete profile I started as a Military Wife , when I married a Sailor . I then became a First Responder Wife , when he became a fireman . I am a first respo . . .

Pictures from the AI5 Finale were all very purple or orangey , so I couldn 't help myself , I had to play with a few . This first one is a screen capture just as the camera changed from looking out into the audience to a close up of Clay . Then , I adjusted the color . The next three were run through an add on filter I have for Photoshop Elements 4 called " Virtual Photographer " . It 's amazing how many of these screen captures are showing up on all the boards , I hope we get more actual photographs this week when the entertainment magazines come out . Last Wednesday 's AI5 finale received a tremendous boost by Clay 's appearance . The buzz buzz buzz is encouraging for the reception of Clay 's sophmore album . I think it will be a smash hit , it is so patently obvious the world is just tapping their feet . . . . . waiting . This last picture is just put through a Photoshop Elements filter called " dry brush " , I kind of like the effect . Technorati tags : Clay Aiken Photoshop ElementsAmrican Idol AI5 Posted by All this talk about Clay 's hair has me thinking about some of the various versions . I don 't believe I have ever posted in a " like or dislike " the hair conversation because I really don 't care , but I guess I do have favorites . Right now it 's tossup between the new Claydo and the Jukebox Tour hair . So , I thought I would revisit one of my Jukebox tour concerts and add some of the video I took . Hmmm , probably the most memorable was Columbus , where I not only enjoyed the concert immensely and was in my home state for the first time in years but I won a Meet and Greet . The video can be seen in Marhaven 's Favorite Videos - See the link on the sidebar to the right . Here is my meet and greet blog . All my concert blogs are posted below , I brought them all over from a different site , so they are at the bottom of May . Marhaven 's Meet & Greet in Columbus . . . All Pictures are Clickable 8 / 9 / 05 - This is the day of the " longest drive " . I have to make it from Vienna , Va to Columbus , Ohio in time for my meet and greet . My concert companion has decided to keep her car as she will be going on to Musikfest after Columbus , while I will go down to Lancaster , Ohio for a couple of days . She will now join me in Columbus in a couple of days and go on to Michigan and Indiana with me from there . So , I 'm on my own for the long trip and it starts out rainy . . . . a long day , I navigated heavy fog on a mountain top , lots and lots of trucks . . . . was in Va , Del , Pa , WV and Ohio before I arrived at the fairgrounds . Meet and Greet - OK , now first I have to say that I am one that has stated she didn 't care if she got a M & G at all , and to some extent I still do think they are an artificial way to meet someone . . . . but it does give you an opportunity to stand right next to the guy , make direct eye contact , get a little body contact ( hand shake , hug ) , exchange a couple of words , have your picture taken with him and get something autographed . Although I got the standing next to and the eye contact in Greenville , I wasn 't about to pass this up ! ! ! They lined us up oumarhaven " I have no idea why my new owner sits and stares at this screen all day " Thought I 'd take a break from watching a certain video over and over . I 've been taking pictures of my cats - boy do I love digital cameras , you just click away - no film to develop and waste . Woo Hoo . Not that my pictures are any better , just that I have a lot more , LOL . Having gone without a cat for a couple of years it is fun to have a couple in the house again . These two cats , one adult and one little 4 week old orphan look a lot alike , they both have blue eyes . The adult is surely a full blooded seal point Siamese and has all the typical Siamese characteristics , brilliant blue eyes , thin lanky body and a " monkey " tail that seems to have a mind of it 's own . " Baby " seems to have some ragdoll in her and at this point , about 7 or 8 weeks old I think she is going to retain the blue eyes . Yeah ! ! Jasmine is very regal . Well , she 's a diva , actually . It isn 't hard to get a picture of her looking great because she poses all the time . But , she 's also a scamp and gets into her share of trouble . Adding the tiny kitten to the household at first just did not work . There was 2 or 3 days of hissing and flicking of that Siamese tail . After all , she has just found her new home . . . what was this insult ? ? What has been so amusing is that " Baby " , from day one . . . . all of 4 weeks old has NEVER backed down . She hunches up her back , flicks her tail and launches herself at Jazzy , who at first just stalked off in horror . Things have calmed down a bit and now we often see this . I do feel like Baby has put some Jazz back in Jazzy . They have marathon playing sessions , taking turns chasing each other full speed through the house . I had forgotten what fun a kitten can be . " This spinning thing is making me dizzy " " Bring it on , Big Guy , I can take ya " " Whoops , How did I end up on my Nose ? " " I can do Pushups too " " Wasn 't me that pulled the tablecloth off the table . . . " Hope you enjoyed my kitties . Technorati tags : Clay Aiken Cats Posted by I 'm speechless . One of the facets of Clay Aiken that I admire is that there ARE so many facets . Every time you turn around , a different look appears - the look might be in his attitude , his sense of humor or in his hairstyle of the moment . No two pictures are ever the same , he is a photographer 's dream come true . Check out the pictures of Ryan Seacrest , for example , they all look the same - he is one dimensional . Not so with Clay . Last night Clay stole the show from Kat and Taylor . Not completely , it was their night , but his small segment was without a doubt , one of the funniest skits ever done on AI and will be repeated over and over . The absolute water cooler moment . It was brilliant . The way Clay treated that young man with such dignity turned what could have been an embarassing moment into a very tender and memorable one . Michael , is obviously a huge fan and to get to meet his idol and sing with him on stage for a few seconds was priceless . Ryan was going to pull him to the side immediately when Clay came out , but I was glad to see Clay stop Ryan and let Michael continue . And , I was equally as glad to see Ryan finally come and get Michael and put him on the stool so we could better concentrate on the new look and the wonderful voice ! ! ! ! Wow , the talk buzzing , buzzing , buzzing about the " new look " . What is it about Clay 's hair that gets people in such a tizzy . It 's just hair . His new hair style makes him look like John Lennon , some say . . . . . but I saw a little Harry Connick , Jr . In there . Reminds me of this album cover , a little . . . . what do you think ? ? Did I say yet that I thought it was brilliant . Oh yes , I did and it certainly bears repeating . I think this was a gutsy , risky move , a thumbing your nose at the gnats move , a snarky and wonderful skit that has undoubtedly won Mr . Aiken a few new fans . I can 't wait for the album , I hope the rumor ( and I feel it is a big rumor ) that it might be here by mid July is true . This appearance just has to be followed up on promptly . Hopefully , those fans who weremarhaven Just a quick , drive by post . An update to the jukebox to celebrate Clay 's last performance on American Idol . We understand there will be another appearance tonight and I have a feeling this is going to be something special . Very Special . More tomorrow . Technorati tags : Clay Aiken American Idol Posted by Christmas in May . Well , why not . It is a beautiful day here in Arizona although it is starting to peak over 100 degrees and it 's almost time to get outta Dodge . Thought I 'd share a couple of pictures and a video from the Joyful Noise Tour . Because I was house hunting , I took the opportunity to visit Raleigh , Charlotte in NC and Columbia in SC during December of 2005 . My son is being transferred , probably at this point to Charlotte , and I wanted to take a look at the areas so I could have a better idea where I might want to move to be close enough to be able to see the family frequently . I arrived in Raleigh , spent a couple of days looking at neighborhoods and then drove down to Charlotte and did the same thing there . Well , low and behold , it 's December and there are three Joyful Noise Tour concerts - Columbia , Charlotte and then Raleigh . So I drove down to Columbia for the first concert . Funny how there happened to be concerts that fit into my travel schedule . Not . It was cold . Checked into the Marriott , I hadn 't signed up for any preparties so this was one of the first times I really felt like I was " on my own " . The Marriott provided transportation to the concert , which was only a few blocks away . I could have walked , but did I say , it was cold . Arriving at the concert I found myself sitting next to someone I knew from a Clay Aiken message board , on the other side was a very nice young lady who says she met me in Greenville the year before . Two seats ahead of us were the two gals who were doing a cell cert . A cell cert is when you share a concert via your cell phone with many other people , or just one . The quality is usually pretty poor , but it 's great fun ! ! A gal in front of me swore she had met somewhere before . . . . so much for being alone . The concert was beautiful , as usual . This is one of the concerts where the young man playing the role of Tommy was ill and we had a stand - in , who did an excellent job with very little time to prepare . I loved this venue , it reminded me of the millions of old auditoriums we have marhaven Digital Scrapbooking TipsYesterday I went over some of the why 's of moving from conventional scrapbooking to digital scrapbooking . Today I thought I 'd ramble on about what makes up a digital scrapbook page . Papers - In conventional scrapbooking we go to Michael 's or a scrapbook store and plunk down 59cents for a colorful piece of 12 X 12 paper which becomes the base of our scrapbook page . With digital scrapbooking you have many more options . You can download papers that other scrapbookers have designed , or you can download ANYTHING that appeals to you ( as long as it can be sized to a 12 X 12 format . I recommend always using the 12 X 12 because if you want to resize your pages you can easily resize to 6 X 6 or 8 X 8 to fit into an album or picture frame . The paper for this simple Clay page was actually downloaded from a graphics design place I found . It 's really fabric . I couldn 't find the site again if my life depended on it , but if you search around you can find lots of ideas for paper . Search on graphics and textile . This is what the base of the Clay page looked liked before I added anything . Be on the lookout for patterns that appeal to you . Most images on the internet can be downloaded . Or , you can photograph tree trunks and the stucco on a building to use as backgrounds , load them into your graphics program , resize them , play with color , etc . and when you are happy with results , save your new background paper . You can scan all kinds of things , look for texture by crumpling tissue papers - I haven 't tried it yet , but place a tee shirt with a logo you like on the scanner and see what develops . Use your imagination ( I usually fall way short on the imagination and creative design parts ) . To make a heritage page for my mother I scanned an old Harpers magazine I had saved as it was from the month of her birth , May 1914 . No , I didn 't buy it new . It wasn 't 12 X 12 , so I resized it so the height was 12 inches . This left a gap on the left which I filled in by cropping a sliver of the right edge of the scanned magazine . marhaven Digital Scrapbooking . My DIL scrapbooks . She had a Creative Memories Party a couple of years ago and I went and bought some supplies thinking I would start a Family Heritage album . . . . and I did start , but stalled because 1 ) I wasn 't happy with the results ( as it turns out , it was the Creative Memories method I didn 't like ) and 2 ) I didn 't like " pasting " original old family pictures in the album . I could have done one of the grandkids , but DIL had that one sewn up , and very nicely . So , when I realized I had a lot of momentos stored up from Clay concerts , I started a scrapbook with that theme . Did one for 2004 and one for 2005 . I like them , they are great reminders of wonderful trips and people I met . I had already been creating some of my " embellishments " on the computer , but one day I picked up a magazine on digital scrapbooking and I don 't think I 'll be going back to the conventional , physical way . Here 's why : 1 ) Your pictures and / or pages are truly " archival " . If you store them on the internet , or archive them on CD 's or DVD 's , they will last forever . I don 't care how " archival " scrapbook paper is supposed to be , the books are much more vulnerable than digital scrapbooks . 2 ) With digital scrapbooks , they can be shared with all family members - and golly , even complete strangers who drop in to my blog or website . If you do a physical scrapbook , you only have one . . . and it likely will get shabby with repeated viewings . 3 ) Digital scrapbooking for my Family Heritage allows me to scan an old photo and put the originals away for safekeeping . I highly recommend , even if you aren 't going to scrapbook your old pictures , that you scan them and store them on disk . Mine date back to tintypes and they are fading . I can see a huge difference over the past 25 years . Another thing I highly recommend is to write in pencil on the back of the picture who is in the picture . Your kids aren 't going to remember . So , with all that to ponder over , I did a page this morning using a picture I liked of my grandaughter spitting . Basically , what marhaven We all remember Season 2 of American Idol . . . . how we felt Clay was robbed . I think it is about to happen again . AI is a Reality Show , not a singing competition . Do I think the votes count ? Sure , it gives AI an idea how America feels , but when it comes right down to it AI chooses the winner . Grassy knoll , anyone ? Yeah , I guess so . But what was with the three contestents being dead even last night ? I don 't buy it , just don 't . . Taylor has ( supposedly ) been far ahead of everyone every week and all of a sudden it 's equal ? Of course , all my information comes off the internet and we know how valid that can be . Or , it could be phone line overload again - yes , that is probably it . ( Insert slapping oneself on the head emoticon here ) . I think Taylor has been the most consistent of the two and deserves to win , but last night I was watching his face when Ryan showed the numbers and I think he suspects what 's going to happen . I hope I am wrong ! ! I wish they would just let the votes fall where they may ( after opening up enough phone lines so everyone can get through ) then do their very best to help both Taylor and Kat put out an album that suits their voice and style . Guess I 'm dreaming , huh . One more week to go . Then , Survivor is over , AI is over , The Amazing Race is over . What are we going to do with ourselves . Oh , that 's right - Last Comic Standing and another Rock Star coming up for the summer . Lots of fun . Signing off for now . Again , I hope I am entirely wrong and Taylor wins ! ! Technorati tags : Clay Aiken Taylor HicksAmerican Idol Katherine McPhee Taylor Hicks is no Clay Aiken , but he is entertaining and I have enjoyed watching him this season . I laughed so hard last night when he left Paula twirling on the catwalk . Taylor seems so comfortable and confident on stage that I have never " worried " about him like I 've done with other contestants I 've liked . This is probably because of opening the show up to older contestants and perhaps , although absolutely no fault of Taylor 's , unfair to the younger performers . AI should make up their mind if this is a talent show to find new , young , untried talent - or just a reality show . I haven 't found any video for last night , but here is Taylor doing " Something " . Please turn Clay 's song off in the Jukebox in the sidebar to the right before you click on the video . Kat is a beautiful young lady with a gorgeous voice and what appears to be stage fright . She just loses it sometimes . Whole pieces of songs get lost or misplaced . I thought her " Somewhere Over the Rainbow " last night was spectacular . Someone asked me if I liked it better than Kim Locke 's version and I can 't answer that question . Kim 's version was Kim 's and last night Kat did it her way . Just beautiful . She seems to sing better sitting on the floor , what 's up with that ? The judges song choices were right on , as much as I hate to admit it . . . . and " Hello " , was Simon kind of . . . . . well , nice last night ? Nah ! I suspect that whether Taylor wins or comes in second , it doesn 't matter if they allow him to do the kind of album that suits his sound - as they did with Carrie . I hope they do , it is a sin what they did to poor Bo . Kat is the one they will probably push into the mainstream . Shouldn 't have any trouble getting a beautiful song out of her in the studio and who knows , maybe the tour this summer will put her more at ease . Or , maybe TPTB have had an epiphany and realize you can 't put the proverbial square peg in a round hole . In other words , let the kids make the kind of album that suits them . Pfft on the popstar thing . Sorry , Elliott is forgettable . Seems like a nice guy , marhaven Beanie Babies and Clay Aiken . Two of my more " enthusiastic " interests over the past few years . By enthusiastic I mean , while I am an avid reader and have always read and always will read , I don 't spend time on the internet tracking " stuff " down , nor have I ever stood in long lines for a new book . I 've done both of those , and more , for Beanie 's and Clay Aiken . The beanie baby craze started on the internet . The supply was far below the demand in the beginning and people started searching for the little critters on ebay and on - line specialty stores . It became known there was a scarcity , the furor rose and the craze evolved . It was like the stock market . People actually thought they would get rich . Buy up all these beanbags , put them in the attic , and someday they would be worth a fortune . Ty Warner is the only one who became rich . I didn 't get in on the beginning , my dtr - in - law brought me a little red lobster they had gotten with a McDonald 's happy meal , I said , " What is this " , googled and spent the next couple of years tracking down the next little cat or bear . That is " Frigid " the Penguin above . And , that is Clay Aiken in a penguin suit , below . During a business meeting I once went to , a friend and I went shopping and found a couple of Beanie treasures . She wasn 't as avid as I , said she was buying them for a niece ( sure ) and when we got out to the car and I offered her a couple of tag protectors ( heaven forbid the tags would get a wrinkle or the clack should skip , if you know what I mean ) . She had a laughing fit and said I was the only person she had ever known who carried tag protectors when she travelled . What ? You say , what is a tag protector ? Read up on the importance of tags here . About Beanies - TagsDuring the most intense stage of the craze , Princess Diana died and Ty issued " Princess " a purple bear honoring Diana . All proceeds from the sale of the beanie would go to Diana 's personal charity . We used to go to Beanie Baby shows and I personally stood right next to a man who admitted to having paid $ 400 for Prmarhaven I took a stab at farming once . . . . sorta . Several years ago I bought a mini - farm . It was an old mobile home ( circa 1972 ) but situated on 3 beautiful acres . This was what I thought I always wanted , elbow room ( tm Daniel Boone ) . . . . or did I ? As I am currently selling my house in Arizona and anticipating moving to North or South Carolina ( depending on where my son 's final job offer lands us ) . I browse Realtor . com looking for my next home . The kids have to live near his work and good schools , but I can get a little further from town . I don 't want to move again after this , I have moved so many times in my life . So , what do I want ? Let 's go back to the mini - farm , which should have been ideal . . . Pro 's - Elbow room , chickens , goats , wonderful fenced garden area , riding my mower around looking cool , koi pond , roses , lots of grassy areas , birds up the wazoo . Cons - Maintenance on old house , having to spray 90 fruit and nut trees ( I didn 't do it ) , having to maintain the koi pond , the roaming dogs that came to eat my chickens . Man , I hated those dogs with a passion . Now , evaluating this data , I think what I am looking for is : A newer house on one acre , with zoning that will allow for a couple of chickens should I have the urge again . I really enjoyed wandering out and collecting my morning egg . And that fertilizer is great for the garden . Fencing to keep out stray dogs . A few fruit trees , two apple , an apricot or peach and definately a lemon tree . Dwarf size , so I can spray without calling in professionals . Low maintenance will be the major issue . Because I have to do it ! ! That is the main lesson I learned on my mini - farm . . . . while there will be help on occasion , be prepared to do it all yourself most of the time . Here are a couple of digital scrapbooking pages that show my favorite parts of my short time mini - farm . Click on pictures to see full size Judging from what I am seeing on Realtor . com I stand a chance of finding the perfect place . Technorati tags : Clay Aiken FarmGardeningDigital Scrapbooking Florence Rosella Darling1914 - 1994My mom was a farmer 's daughter . She was the 11th of 12 children born in a beautiful old farmhouse in Lancaster , Ohio . Her father 's family came to the US around 1850 from Baveria , Germany . Their name was originally something like Direling or Drierling but was Americanized to Darling . In school mom was always called " Darling Rosie " . I only have one reference to the original emigrant , Phillip Darling who " came to New Orleans in 1850 and died of yellow fever " . There was a yellow fever epidemic in New Orleans and it is probably impossible , at this time , to find record of him . His son , Gottleib drove stage coach for awhile and finally settled into farming in Lancaster , Ohio . In fact , the original Darling farm in Lancaster was a stage coach stop and there are huge kegs and whatnot in the basement walls . Gottleib 's son , Edward married Anna Josephine Netuschill , whose parents emigrated from Austria to escape religious persecution . And Anna and Edward were my Mom 's parents . You know how your parents always say things like " I walked three miles to school when I was a child " - usually in response to your asking to be driven two blocks to school ? ? ? Some years ago , my mom , my sister and I went back to Lancaster for a family reunion . We were at the farm and then went for a drive . In a little bit mom said - " Oh , that 's my grade school " . My sister and I looked at each other . " Mom , you walked all the way from the farm to this school " . Sometimes your parents aren 't exagerating . Mom and my Dad were . . . . well , I would have to say . . . an odd couple . She , the farm girl with siblings to spare , and my Dad , a spoiled only child of a spoiled only child . . . . . well , he wasn 't full of himself or anything , just raised in an entirely different environment . The marriage lasted over 50 years and there are 6 of us kids . Unfortunately , they also smoked together for 50 years and it did both of them in , Dad in 1983 and Mom in 1994 . The picture of Mom above was taken when she was about 17 or 18 . It is a black and white photo buPosted by Hi , Marhaven was the name of my Mom 's Kennels . She raised beautiful collies . I 'm a fan of one Clay Aiken and will blog about my adventures traveling to see him sing . My hobbies include photography , genealogy , reading - there simply isn 't enough time in the day .

bysagacious21 © I love Halloween , not just the day , but the whole season . I go to as many costume parties as I can . I sometimes have to crash the parties , but with everyone wearing a mask no one notices me . That 's the benefit of costume parties , no one notices me . The rest of the year everyone tries to avoid me , ever since the accident . Ten years ago I was riding my bicycle to school . I was sixteen and could not drive yet . There was a big hill just down from the apartment mom and I lived in . It was great for getting to school and a real workout at the end of the day to get back home . On this day I was moving pretty good , maybe thirty miles an hour or so , and nearly at the bottom of the hill . I would have to slow down soon , there was a railroad track at the bottom and it angled across the road , hit it too fast and a wreck was very likely . I squeezed the hand brakes on my eighteen speed mountain bike and began to slow down . Suddenly a car horn blatted right next to me . I looked to my left and saw a car I thought I recognized as belonging to one of the cheerleaders . I had time to do that much before someone leaning out of the back seat window threw a water balloon at me . The balloon hit my helmet and soaked my hair as well as blurring my glasses . If that was all that happened I would have been angry , but just shrugged it off . Unfortunately I was almost at the railroad tracks and the water splashed ahead of me onto the track . I had been distracted by the car horn , by intention I believe , and was still braking when the front wheel hit the wet metal . The wheel slid sideways to the right and I went flying . I saw the pavement coming at me and tried to break my fall with my left arm . There was incredible pain , then nothing . I spent almost six months in and out of the hospital while they tried to rebuild my face . The rough pavement I slid along worked just like a cheese grater . I now had a titanium jawbone and cheekbone . My nose was plastic and the left half of my face was recovered with skin from my ass . No matter how muchI never made it back to high school . Mom lost her job at the grocery store because she was taking so much time off to care for me . She got in touch with a lawyer and sued the families of the kids in the car that day . Their malicious action had destroyed my life , so we made them suffer as much as we could . Mom home schooled me till it was time for college . I did my best to be Mister Invisible at college . Even with long hair and high collars , kids would see my face and their eyes would slide away in revulsion . That was why I loved Halloween . I could wear a mask and look just like everyone else . This was the only time I could have actual conversations , especially with women . This year I knew of a couple of parties people in the office were having , and then there was the official office party . I was able to access the personnel records to get addresses . In college I had tried hard to guide myself toward a career where I had very little interaction with people . Now I was an actuary at NHP in Evansville , Indiana . We were one of the top ten health insurance companies in Indiana and all I had to deal with were numbers . I ate in my office and usually got to work earlier and left later than anyone else on my floor . My door was normally closed and any interactions were with E - mail and telephone . I went to three parties last year , and left before the unmasking . I shop all year to get the best masks and had a nice sized collection now . There was no need for anyone to recognize me from previous parties . The first party this year was at Joss Logan 's house . He lived in a duplex out on East Virginia Street . It was a nice place and a good neighborhood . I had found a well made Blackbeard mask and costume last month and I was going to wear it to this party . The mask and beard covered my face completely , and the big hat and wig finished concealing my identity . I was waiting ten minutes before the party was due to begin . I sat in my rental car just down the block and watched as people started to arrive . My own car was a plain white ImThe lady looked over at me , then spoke softly enough that only I could hear , " Oh help , help , there 's a pirate after me . " Then she gained volume and asked me , " Why , yes , Mister Beard , do you think you could find me a nice red wine ? " I chuckled as I headed over to the snack table . They had several box wines available ; to include a burgundy I 'd had before and knew to be good . I got us both a plastic cup full and took it back to the super villainess . I was able to talk to this woman for over an hour , the topics ranged from the future of the economy to fashion trends . This was what I loved about the masks and costumes of this time of year . Women would actually talk to me as a normal person , not a disgusting cripple . I could not get enough of their soft voices , the smell of their perfume , or on rare occasions the smell of shampoo in their hair . I had at most three chances this year to experience that , and I was going to take every advantage of it . Cat didn 't seem to want to let me go , and when I started making noises of moving on , she l + ed me over to other groups and acted as if we were a couple . This was fine by me , as it added to the strength of my position , now I was the date of an invited guest . We danced a few times and generally had a good time , oh how I wished that I could do this without the mask . She was quite a bit shorter than my six feet and every time she tried to get close to me on the dance floor , all she got was a face full of beard . We were both giggling about her latest attempt , when Joss called attention for the judging of the costumes . This was my signal to leave . When the judging was done , that would mean that it was time to unmask , and I avoided that at all costs . I indicated to Cat that I was heading to the bathroom , and beat feet out the door . It would have been interesting to see Cat without the mask , I thought I saw a slight oriental cast to the eyes , but couldn 't be sure . That and the slightly olive coloration of the skin of her shoulders revealed by the costume hinted at an oriental heritage . This party had been on Saturday the twenty second , with Halloween being on Monday this year there was time for two more parties . Bill Jackson was having one on Friday the twenty eighth , and the actual office party was scheduled foJackson 's house backed onto Clearcrest Country club and was a lot more house than a midlevel manager should be able to afford . Rumor had it that his wife 's family had contributed a lot to making him eligible to buy the house and join the country Club . Jackson always went all out with his parties , trying to show that he deserved all the luck his wife had brought him . I was going to this party as Fidel Castro . I had the battle dress uniform , the fatigue cap , spirit gummed scraggly beard , and a camouflage pattern mask . I couldn 't use the same dodge as I had at Logan 's party . Any cars sitting on the street Jackson lived on would be immediately investigated by private police . Instead I parked at a gas station on the street leading into the subdivision , and followed when I saw a couple of cars I recognized heading in the right direction . This time I needn 't have bothered , no one was checking for invitations . Jackson 's front yard had been turned into a pumpkin patch with skeletons for scarecrows and crimson eyed vultures sitting on them watching as people walked by . There was a fenced path leading to an arched gate beside the house . The fence poles had skulls on them with little lights inside of the skulls barely illuminating the pathway . The archway was coated in spider webs with great big spiders hanging just above head height . There were also several strings hanging down to touch you as you walked through . With this much effort put into the intro , I couldn 't wait to see the back yard where the party would be . Jackson had obviously hired a good decorating company to do this as it was far and beyond what someone would be likely to do by themselves . Once through the gateway we were walking through a dark graveyard that had little green lights highlighting the pathway and some of the gravestones , added to that there was a fog machine pumping away somewhere . Stepping into the backyard I entered a world of lights and music . The baffling was good enough to keep the sound in the background until you were in the yard . The déI turned and saw a woman dressed all in purple and black . She had a purple mask with sequins and the outfit was composed of flowing cape and low cut dress . Above the mask was a headdress that resembled a black crown and totally covered her head . " I do believe I 'll pass on that for now , my dear . Can I offer you some wine or punch instead ? " I glanced at the attractive cleavage displayed for me and moved to her eyes . Something familiar there , could it be Cat from last week ? Nah , must be my imagination . She requested wine and I quickly moved to comply . No box wines at this party , Jackson went all out with expensive champagne served by a bartender . I returned to my Black Queen , and it didn 't take long talking to her to realize that indeed it was the same woman who had monopolized my time last week . I didn 't mind though , she was the most interesting woman I had ever talked to . I so wished that I could take it farther than the party , but I knew that once the unmasking came , I would be alone again . The DJ had some of my favorite Halloween songs and I danced with my Black Queen several times . Once again she seemed to not want to circulate but stay by my side for the evening . I was fascinated by this lady , and mildly confused . I had spent much of the week thinking about her , and hoping to get the chance it seemed that I now had . After about an hour Jackson got behind the microphone and I found out what the construct was about . " Attention everyone ! The structure you see beyond the pool is a large and extensive maze . At the center of the maze is a table with a button and three envelopes . The button will take a picture and show it on the screen out here showing who won through to the center . In the envelopes are checks for three , four , and five thousand dollars . When the first three couples make it to the center they get to choose a charity for the money to go to , and the contribution will be made in their names . Now those who wish to try to defeat the maze , line up at the doorways . Couples only , please . " There were six doors spaced along this side of the maze , Jackson assured us that each door could make it to the center , but some were faster than others . We stepped into the maze and the corridor moved to the left , following the outside of the maze . We passed the first opening toward the center , seeing the folks ahead of us turn into it . The walls of the maze were rice paper screens with pictures from Japanese folk tales painted on them . With the light behind them the pictures were quite striking and very pretty . We stopped at one scene that encompassed several panels where a samurai warrior was fighting a dragon . " Do you think he gets the maiden in the background as a reward when he defeats the dragon , Fidel ? " We had started walking again and were rapidly getting lost , then we came upon a door , and as we passed through there was a large bush in front of us . We went around it and discovered that we were at a dead end , but there was a bench snuggled in to the bush and I motioned toward it . This had obviously been here and the maze constructed around it , ingenious really . " Why , you have me at your command , Senora . I will have to fight this pirate you are talking of though . " There was no doubt now about her knowing that I had been Blackbeard last week . " Are you going to shadow box , then ? Please sit with me . I would like to get to know you a little better , sir . " I eased down next to her , and she slid over against me . I didn 't know what to do , talking okay , but if she wanted to make out , I was scared and getting frantic . " Calm down , hon , I 'm not going to do anything you don 't want me to . " What the hell , why try to hide it ? " Yeah , you 're right . In fact , you are the only woman I 've talked to more than once in years . " " I thought so . " Her hand slid up my leg until it was pressed against the rapidly growing bulge at the top . " I would like to get to know you a lot better , but first there is the matter of the feelings you have kindled in me that need to be taken care of . " She abruptly stood up and began undoing the large black buttons running down the front of her long purple dress , starting at the bottom . She got almost to her waist , then sat back down and pulled my arm to place my hand on her now bare knee . " You start there and I 'll start here and we 'll take care of this problem as long as you are willing . " I was shocked . The combination of this woman fumbling with the belt of my fatigues and the feel of the silky smooth skin under my hand had me unable to move for a moment . Then my unused libido kicked into gear . Damn , this woman I had spent two nights talking to wanted to have anonymous sex . Oh hell yeah ! The first thing was to give her the access she had granted me . I reluctantly pulled my hand from her knee and quickly unbuckled the military web belt as well as the one holding my pants together , then undid the buttons on the waist and fly . With this task taken care of , my left hand quickly returned to the land of wonder on her knee . As she leaned forward to concentrate on my middle , my right arm moved behind her and slowly slid down to her perky ass . I had admired this in the cat suit last week , but I found out that the feel was much better than the appearance . With both hands busy my mind was luxuriating in the feel of her and I was slightly detached from what she was doing . At least I was until she got both hands onto my rock hard cock and began to play . That is the only way I can describe what she was doing . I could hear giggles and cackles coming from her mouth as she caressed and stroked me . I don 't know what she could see to enjoy so much , it was just a cock . Her body , on the other hand , or should I say hands , was the stuff wet dreams were made of . My right hand had hold of a perfect little buttock , smooth and plump and resilient . It was just a little larger than my hand and I could not get enough of the feel of it . My left hand was slowly making its way to the promised land . I was softly rubbing in circles growing closer and closer to my goal . I had seen many cunts on the internet and in magazines , but I had never felt one before . Prostitutes aren 't much into foreplay , especially with me . My hand was well onto the silky smooth skin before I realized that my Black Queen wasn 't wearing any panties , or have any hair on her pussy . My attention was taken back to my own lap as I felt something pressing onto the head of my dick . That was all it took , I was cumming . I had absolutely no control over it . I looked down , and my Black Queen was holding a scarf over my spurting cock . I began exploring everything I could touch . She spread her legs farther and I pushed my hand down , and suddenly my finger entered a smooth , wet place . She groaned and I moved my finger back and forth some more . I then found a fleshy bump under my thumb and rubbed around on it . " YES , YES , that 's it . It feels so much better than when I do it . " She moaned and pumped up and down for a minute or two , the suddenly she stood up and grabbed my hand to pull me up . " Come on , you 're hard again and I need that in me . " She turned away from me and bent over toward the bench . The next thing I knew she had flipped her dress up onto her back and put her hands down against the bench . I was stunned , there in front of me was the most perfect ass I had ever seen anywhere . Beneath it I could see her pussy dripping fluid down her thighs . She spread her high heel encased feet farther apart as I gazed at the beautiful legs and ass before me . " Here is your target , Fidel , please fuck me now , " she said as one hand reached back and spread her nether lips . I didn 't need any more urging . I stepped up and had to bend my knees a bit to hit the target . She was so wet that I slipped right in . Oh god , what a feeling . This was the first time I had done this without a condom ; I luxuriated in the feel of it till she started bucking against me . I took my cue and began moving back and forth . I was being careful to not lose contact , but my Black Queen was getting impatient . bysagacious21 © 7 comments / 19220 views / 11 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportNext2 Pages : 1212GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . Literotica is a trademark . No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission . 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I don 't often talk politics or religion on my blog . They are two subjects with a high likelihood of pissing someone off , so I shy away . Tonight though , I 'm inspired . * and yet , this post sat in my drafts for over a week while I contemplated publishing it or not . Here 's the deal . I have faith , but not religion . My mom moved around a lot when she was growing up and every new town they lived in , she and her siblings got baptized at whatever local church there was . So since she was a Baptist , Catholic , Presbyterian , Methodist , she decided to go the absolute opposite way raising me . I was never baptised anything and left to make my own decisions regarding what I wanted to believe and which church I wanted to join . I attended just about every kind of church as a child with my friends , and I came to some conclusions of my own . I decided that it didn 't matter which religion it was , the end message was the same . Be good to your fellow person , treat others in a way you would like to be treated , don 't lie , cheat , steal or murder . They might take a different road to get to that conclusion , or have differing claims about what the punishments would be for failing to abide by those values , but the in the end , I really felt that they were all saying the same thing . I have spent countless hours studying all kinds of different religions . I 'm fascinated by all the rituals , customs , and beliefs that each one holds , but I can 't pick one that I can honestly say I believe in completely . Even though I can 't say I fit into any of the major world religions , I can say that I have faith . I know G - d exists . I see it in my children 's faces , in the sunsets and the stars , and I feel it deep in my heart . Even when things in my life seem to not be going right , I have faith that there is a reason even if it isn 't apparent to me right then . For that reason , I also don 't have regrets . By this I mean I don 't regret any of the choices I have made in my life . I try to live my life in a way that I should never need to regret my actions towards others . Every2 I 've worked at a restaurant for over a year . After conquering my fear of dropping things , I finally moved up to serving food . I 've been doing it for a few weeks now , and I 'm pleased to report that there haven 't been too many mishaps . I 've put a couple orders in under the wrong tables again , but luckily realized my mistakes before the food came out and was able to intervene and fix it . I 've been working really hard on trying to not make those silly kinds of mistakes . Then last night I dropped a burger . It wasn 't in front of the whole restaurant , but the sad thing is , it wasn 't even my burger . I was trying to be helpful and run the food out for one of the other servers and didn 't realize that the one burger wasn 't on the tray very well . He said it was ok , but I still apologized profusely . My first full week went super fabulous . Each day got progressively busier , and by Friday I was amazed at the number of tables I could juggle at one time . I 've managed to take a couple of large parties , but none as large as that 18 I almost got my first night , and I 'm not afraid of the 18 anymore . I 'm really getting the hang of it . Last week I worked a lot . That would explain why I haven 't been blogging much the last few days . I kept picking up shifts and ended up working 40 hours . Several days I worked the lunch and dinner shifts . It was crazy , but so much fun . I came home each night with very tired tootsies , and one night even passed out at 9 : 30 . Yesterday I had to be at work at 8 am for a meeting , then I worked the lunch shift , and after a short break , I worked the dinner shift too . I didn 't get home until 9 : 30 . Amazingly my feet did not hurt as much . I think they just needed to get accustomed to getting so much use . When I got home last night and calculated how much money I made ( tips plus hourly ) I discovered that this job now qualifies as my second highest paying job EVER . Back in 2000 - 2001 I made a dollar more an hour at a 40 hour a week job that was an hour and a half commute , one way , wearing business suits and heels , and de4 Those of you who have been reading my blog for a year or more know that St . Patrick 's Day is one of my most favorite holidays ( after my birthday and Christmas because those involve presents ) . I am Irish after all . What a wonderful holiday to celebrate my heritage , eat one of my favorite foods ( after lobster and cheesecake ) corned beef and cabbage , and maybe ingest a green beverage or ten . So you want to know how this St . Patrick 's Day got ruined ? My mom . My mom who 's universe revolves around me , who lacks any friends of her own to invite over to her St . Patrick 's Day dinner , tells me that I AM to come over for dinner tonight . Not an invite . Not , " hey would you like to have St . Patrick 's Day dinner at my house ? " . Nope . These were her exact words . " Don 't buy a corned beef brisket because I already got one " . Oh . So with that I was EXPECTED for dinner at her house tonight . I 've been dreading it since she dropped that little bomb a week ago . SHE isn 't even Irish . I got all my Irish from my DAD who was BORN . IN . IRELAND . I want to cook my own corned beef damn it ! ! ! I want to have my own family tradition with MY kids . She already has laid claim to Thanksgiving , Christmas , and Easter . Can 't I have freaking St . Patrick 's Day ? ? ? Crap . Then to make matters worse . She has to go and try to make some fancy corned beef recipe . Put a bunch of extra garbage in there like cloves and G - d knows what else and you know what it tasted like ? ? Brine . It was so freaking salty all I could taste was SALT and more SALT . Irish cooking is simple . You boil everything . And corned beef is one of those few things that isn 't ruined when you boil it . The flavor from just peppercorns , the cabbage , and some onions is all it needs . So next year , I 'm buying my corned beef brisket in January and inviting all my friends over well in advance so if my mom tries this stunt again , I 'll be ready with . " Oh sorry mom , you should have asked me first . I ALREADY have plans OF . MY . OWN . " I am asked frequently what the difference is between ADD and ADHD . The short answer is nothing . The long answer is : The disorder currently labeled by the psychiatric community as ADHD has been called many things over the years . 1902 Defects in moral character1934 Organically driven1940 Minimal Brain Syndrome1957 Hyperkinetic Impulse Disorder1960 Minimal Brain Dysfunction ( MBD ) 1968 Hyperkinetic Reaction of Childhood ( DSM II ) 1980 Attention Deficit Disorder - ADD ( DSM III ) with - hyperactivity without - hyperactivity residual type1987 Attention - Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or Undifferentiated Attention Deficit Disorder ( DSM III - R ) 1994 Attention - Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder ( DSM IV ) Broken down into 3 categories ADHD , Combined Type ADHD , Predominantly Inattentive type ADHD , Predominantly Hyperactive TypeMany people like me grew up in the 80 's and learned to call someone with these symptoms ADD . It 's like if you have a friend named Bertha who decides she wants to be known as Brittney . Even though you know she wants to be called Brittney , she 's always going to be Bertha to you . Now some of these changes are good . I 'm sure glad they don 't call it Minimal Brain Dysfunction anymore , but personally I think it went all down hill after the 1980 name . I don 't like the term ADHD mostly because I feel that it implies hyperactivity . My daughter and I are both technically ADHD predominantly inattentive type . We are not hyperactive . If I tell people that we are ADHD , the usual response is " but you aren 't hyper at all " . Just saying ADD is easier for the lay person to understand . It 's also a lot shorter for me to say ADD and not ADHD predominantly inattentive type . I mean come on , I have ADD , I don 't have the patience for wasted syllables . I expect in another few years the psychological community will probably change the name again to further confuse people . My friend Beth and I talked a couple of times today on the phone trying to brainstorm ways to help her with her son after she posted this . She 's in the middle of trying to get a correct diagnosis for him and figure out how to manage his behavior . Different doctors have told her that he 's a little ADHD , mildly Asperger 's , and now ODD . Of course figuring out which one , or combination thereof will help considerably . Since so many of the symptoms overlap between them though , there were some strategies I was able to share with her , things that work for my daughter . We got to talking about how punishments don 't work with these kids . They just don 't respond to taking their toys , tv 's , video games , trading cards , privileges or allowance away . They definitely don 't respond to spankings . The only thing that I have found that works with my daughter is rewards . Whether it is simply thanking her for doing what she was asked , acknowledging the fact that she controlled her behavior instead of melting down , or giving her a treat for her good behavior , she thrives on success . I think these kids have so many situations in which they feel like failures , that punishing them just reinforces their feelings of not being good enough , and I think that 's why they don 't work . If you already feel like you are worthless , having your things taken away must just reinforce that belief . Can you imagine what this must feel like to the child ? That they aren 't worthy of having their toys , etc ? On the other hand , they light up with the slightest success . They like to help . They love to be appreciated . They need to be told that they did something right . S0metimes it 's hard to notice the good that your child is doing when you are so frustrated with their misbehavior . It 's hard to rearrange your own attitude to focus on the good instead of the bad . There are times where you have to focus on the bad . When your child is doing something destructive or hurtful to someone else , you have to step in to stop it . Other than that though , you need to look for the sm5 I am always seeing this swaps on other 's blogs . I always want to join , but most of the time they are for crafty or sewing things . Not that I 'm not crafty , but there are certain things I 'm good at , and some of these , well . . . I would just be afraid of disappointing my partner . I saw a really cool apron swap a while back and even though I really wanted to join in the fun , I didn 't think my partner would appreciate something made with my mediocre hand sewing skills since my machine is still broken . So imagine my excitement today when I found a swap on one of the new blogs I 'm following since the SITS spring fling the other day . Mommy Holly is hosting a bright and happy swap . You can check out all the details about it here mommy holly : bright and happy swap ! ! . This looks like so much fun . I 'm so excited to find out who my partner will be and start finding stuff to send . I 've really been needing something bright and happy in my life right now and it will be just as much fun to send something bright and happy too . There are times ( trust me , there are a LOT of times ) that I and start feeling sorry for myself and situations I am in . However , I think that it really doesn 't make matters any better . I actually think that it 's bad karma to sit around wallowing when there are others who are way less fortunate than I . Whether it 's the state of my finances , situations at work , or the behavior of my children , I try my darnedest to always look on the bright side of things . At work today , my first table was 4 young men . They were super polite and had these adorable almost Southern accents . When it came time to pay their bill , they wanted individual checks . This is a lot more work as I had to try and remember exactly which meal went with which drink . I managed to figure it out and gave them their checks . After they were gone and I went back to collect my tips , I found that they had each left me a dollar . Their total bill was over $ 56 and they left me $ 4 . That 's just about 7 % , about half of what is considered a minimum tip . If I had screwed up something or somehow given them bad service I could have understood , but that wasn 't the case . For a few hours it really bugged me . Then after work I was telling a friend about them , and she said that she had served them before too , and that was just how they tipped . Then she said , " but you almost don 't mind because they are so polite , not like some of the jerks we have to deal with " . And you know what ? She 's absolutely right . I think I would rather wait on guys like that all day long for $ 4 a pop , then deal with jerks for twice as much . Suddenly I was glad I had the pleasure of serving those guys today , and hope they come back with their sweet little accents and good manners . Then there are things like this that my children do . Remember in the movie Meet the Fockers when they go to the Focker family residence and Dustin Hoffman says " If it 's yellow let it mellow , if it 's brown flush it down . " ? I don 't know why , but that line has stuck with me . It might have something to do with the fact that every 3 When you have ADD sometimes you have to trick yourself into doing things you don 't want to do . We have an overdeveloped sense of procrastination , so by the time we HAVE to do something , like clean our rooms , it 's one step away from being condemned . When I was a kid my mom would send me to my room and tell me that I couldn 't come out until it was clean . Wow , thanks for the life sentence there mom . Here is a little game I made up as a child to help trick myself into cleaning my room . Write the numbers 1 - 10 in descending order on the left side of a sheet of paper . 1098You get the point right ? Then you play . Start by picking up 10 things . It helps if you make this the 10 BIGGEST things also . Picking up 10 pieces of lint isn 't going to make a big dent in it . When you are done put a big check mark next to the number . Then pick up 9 things . You just got through picking up 10 , so 9 is less work . You 've done the worst of it . When you are done , put a big check mark next to the number . Pick up 8 things . . . . By the time you get down to the bottom of the list , you have actually picked up 55 things . 55 is a big number . 10 is a little number . If you have a child that struggles with cleaning their room ( or if you struggle with cleaning / organizing ) try this game to make it a little more fun . You might remember a while back I posted about my cats here . Sadly my cat Gargamel passed away about a month ago . I had no idea when I wrote that post that I would only have a couple more months with the most amazing kitty ever . He was fine one day and the next day , not so good . I think he had a seizure and then it was all downhill from there . Within a week he had lost a significant amount of weight and when we took him to the vet , the vet said that he had a large mass in his belly . We brought him home for a few days so the kids could say goodbye , and then it was time to put him to sleep so he wouldn 't suffer . We got Gargamel when my oldest was three . He was so good about letting her carry him around . When my daughter or I got sick , he would stay on the bed with us until we were well again . At bedtime he would hop up in the bed wanting to be loved on . He would nudge my hand if I wasn 't petting him enough . He had a knack for getting right between my head and the TV . I can 't tell you how many times I told him he didn 't make a very good window . When he passed I was worried that I would be missing this nightly kitty love . Kasey has always been the loner kitty . Sure she 'd let you pick her up and love on her and wouldn 't run away , but she 's never really initiated contact . And Mystery , well we see her every once and awhile , but she pretty much lives under my youngest daughter 's bed . She used to come hop up on my bed and push Gargamel out of the way to get all the lovin , but since he got sick , I haven 't seen her . Imagine my surprise when Kasey started coming in at bedtime and getting in the way of me watching TV , nudging my hand , or my nose , if I didn 't pet her . It always amazes me how intuitive cats really are , and how even though they may seem to be aloof and not care about their owners at all , they really do . Wow , what a fun day . All the contests and excitement . I hope I win some . But now it 's time to announce the winner of my giveaway ! ! I 'd like to congratulate Terry from Cherished Treasures for winning my Custom Binder Giveaway . Email me with your mailing address and what you would like your binder to say on the front . Oh my goodness . What wonderful things are being given away over atThe Secret Is In The Sauce today . You must go check them out . I 've entered so many contests I 'm having a hard time keeping them all straight . There 's Cheesecake Factory , Outback , Target , Macy 's . . . Too many to count . Here are some of my faves : Tattooed Minivan Mom is giving away a Starbucks CardSusie 's Homemade is giving away cookie dough balls that look yummy2 under 2 is giving away CheesecakeAll In a Mom ; s Life is giving away a Starbucks or Target gift cardCarma Sez is giving away a McDonalds gift cardTheres Always Room For One More is giving away a Chili 's Gift CardJanana Bee is giving away a Cheesecake Factory cardAubsfamfive is giving away a COACH wristletMelanie is giving away the cutest cupcake magnets ever7 clown circus is giving away a $ 10 Target gift cardI 'm not your average soccer mom is giving away a $ 20 Target gift cardIt really is all about me is giving away an Outback gift cardA Trucker Wife is giving away a Target gift cardSweet Home Amy is giving away a Nantucket ToteJam Jar Boogie is giving away a beautiful apronOne Crazy Kat Lady is giving away a $ 50 Target CardIt 's a Wonderful Life is giving away a $ 50 Macy 's cardSnarky Much is giving away an AMC gift cardStilettos and Diapers is giving away a SnuggieAnd that is just a fraction of the giveaways . Go check out the full list here . And don 't forget to enter my contest for an awesome recipe binder HERE . The girls over at SITS are hosting a Spring Filing Tuesday . Everyone is encouraged to give something away on their blog , and SITS is hosting lots of awesome giveaways on their blog every hour as well . I wanted to participate in this , but until yesterday was at a loss about what to give away . The rules state that it can be anything new or used and doesn 't have to be elaborate at all . Anything from a purse you don 't use anymore to a batch of chocolate chip cookies . This doesn 't help me much . Anything is just too many things to consider for someone with ADD . So for the last couple of weeks it 's been on my mind . What should I give away ? ? True to my ADD fashion , I had an epiphany at the 11th hour . Well technically I guess I had about 12 hours to spare since I figured it out around noon , but you get my point . Nothing like waiting until the last minute to come up with something . So here is what I came up with . Now I 'm not giving you my recipe book , but what I am going to give away is a binder , with a custom cover , a few of my favorite recipes , and a lot of empty sheet protectors . What is this good for you ask ? Well let me tell you a little bit about my binder . I 'm a bit of a pack rat . I hold onto all kinds of things because I never know when I might need them . Craft supplies for umpteen billion different craft projects - CheckEnough scrapbook supplies for an entire lifetime - CheckA tote box full of socks in case I decide to start crocheting beads on them again - CheckA tote full of patterned socks , buttons , and embroidery floss to make sock monkeys waiting for my sewing machine to be fixed - CheckOne thing I don 't hang onto , or have cluttering my house anymore , is magazines waiting for recipes to be pulled out of , or loose papers on which I have printed out recipes from the internet . I keep lots of extra sheet protectors in my binder just waiting to be filled with that loose paper . Now if there is a recipe I want in a magazine , I don 't have to hang onto the whole magazine waiting for that someday that never comes to tear it outcomments I never really got the point of Daylight Savings Time . I mean , i get the line they feed you about giving you more daylight to bring in the harvest , but come on REALLY ? ? ? How many of us are actually harvesting anything nowadays ? Then there is the whole thing with stretching it out an extra couple of months to help save electricity . So what 's next ? Pretty soon they 'll tell you that Daylight Savings Time is the new TIME , and then will they create a Daylight Daylight Savings Time . All daylight savings time is , is a government sanctioned way to f * # k with people 's heads . " Oooh , let 's give them an extra hour so their kids will stay up way past bedtime and be all jacked up because they can 't fall asleep because the sun is still out . " Insert sound of people who make black out shades cheering . " Then a few months later we will take that extra hour back so they can spend a week trying to get the kids all adjusted to normal time again . It 's all a complete waste of TIME . You wanna know how I know this ? It 's because I 've been off the Daylight Savings treadmill for the last 5 years . If Arizona has one redeeming quality , something so awesome it makes up for dealing with 120 days in the summer , it is the lack of Daylight Savings Time . We just don 't do it . Maybe it doesn 't stay light here extra long in the summer , but it still stays hot ( 100 degrees at midnight kinda hot ) , so I really don 't miss that extra hour of sun at all . So the only effect Daylight Savings Time has on me is having to remember what time everyone else is now . When it 's DST , California is the same time as us and it 's now 2 hours later in Texas where my best friend lives . Other than that , life goes on like normal , no clocks to change , no trying to get the kids adjusted to the new time , no being late for church Sunday morning ( not that I go , but there are a LOT of people in Arizona that do ) , no having to remember what day you are supposed to switch the clocks and which way you are supposed to switch them . So yesterday and today when I read everyone 's blogs and facebook p2 A few weeks ago I had this conversation with my oldest daughter . Aimee " Mom , don 't we have any cereal ? " Me " Didn 't your dad just buy some cornflakes ? " Aimee " Yeah , but they 're gross " Me " Why are they gross ? " Aimee " Because they taste like corn " Me ( after spitting coffee out my nose ) " Um , yeah genius , that might be why they call them CORN flakes " In other words , they weren 't Frosted Flakes and therefore tasted like cereal and not sugar . So for weeks they have been in the pantry and have become a joke around here . " Where is the lemonade mix ? " " Behind the cornflakes that taste like corn " . I 've been trying to figure out what to do with them since it 's painfully obvious that none of my kids , or my husband are going to eat the cornflakes that taste like corn . Yesterday I remembered having a couple of recipes that called for cornflakes as an ingredient that I had learned to make back in either junior high or high school foods class . Amazingly they are a couple that I have already typed up and put into my recipe binder . One of them is for Christmas Holly Wreath Cookies , and since it 's a little past Christmas , I didn 't want to make those . The other one was for peanut butter bars . They came out just as yummy as I remembered . Here 's the recipe . 1 1 / 2 cups of sugar3 / 4 cups of corn syrup2 cups of smooth peanut butter7 cups of cornflakesMelt the sugar and corn syrup . Add the peanut butter and stir until smooth . Remove from heat . Add cornflakes and mix it all up . Pour into a wax paper lined 13x9 baking pan . Smoosh them down ( I wrap my oven mitt with the Glad cling wrap and then smoosh ) . Cool . Once they are cool , you can cut them into squares . Let me just take this moment to mention that it 's a really good idea to measure out all your ingredients BEFORE you start the sugar and corn syrup melting . When you are ready to throw in the peanut butter is not really a good time to discover you are about a quarter cup short . I went ahead and made them anyway , but in retrospect probably should have reduced the amount of cornflakes a tad . They came o2 I am completely paranoid that someone will think I 'm stupid if I misspell things . Like this whole part of my self image is caught up in correct grammar , spelling , and punctuation . Not that I always use correct grammar and punctuation here in my blog , but here I try to write as I would speak to you , and that is not always in proper grammar . I sometimes worry that I use commas a little too liberally , but I want to be clear that wherever you find a comma in my writing is where I think the pause should be in the sentence . On occasion I leave commas out too , usually when I 'm passionate about something and if I was speaking to you I wouldn 't have stopped to breathe . Which reminds me of a time , I think in junior high , when a friend ( who will remain nameless ) made a sign for her bedroom door that said " Stupid people shouldn 't breath " . I 'm sure I made fun of her about at the time , which was mean , but it was kinda funny , and it kinda still is . Isn 't it She who will remain nameless ? It does prove my point though . One little letter can make the difference between you making a statement or making a funny . Now that I 'm done giggling , there 's the whole topic whether or not to place a comma before the final item in a list . I was taught that it is necessary so that you can distinguish whether the items before and after the " and " go together . Otherwise you end up with " The restaurant serves several sandwiches including tuna salad , turkey , liverwurst and peanut butter " . Is that three kinds of sandwiches or four ? Now if you punctuate it this way " The restaurant serves several sandwiches including tuna salad , turkey , liverwurst , and peanut butter " , it 's clear that the liverwurst is not going to be sharing the cozy confines of two slices of bread with the peanut butter . Whew ! Now I know there are many people who will still disagree with me , but I insist it makes way more sense my way . I 'm usually pretty accepting of other people 's grammatical and spelling errors . One of my best friends was dyslexic and everything he wrote was phonetic wi4 Wow . Since my last post things have been kinda nutty over here . I intended to make the Taco Soup on Wednesday , but I realized later that I was short one can of pinto beans and the can of diced tomatoes with green chiles . The tomatoes with green chiles really shocked me too , because I use those all the time to make salsa . I usually have several cans on hand , but with the hubby being out of work , the pantry is not as full as usual . Since I really like green chiles , I didn 't want to make the soup without them . Therefore a trip to the store was needed . Wednesday morning was my first official shift as a server . It went pretty well . Then the manager asked me if I could cover a shift that night . Being the helpful person I am , I said yes . In retrospect I should have said no way in hell no . I had barely two hours from the time I got off until I had to be back . I was in no mood to go to the store during this precious reprieve from work , so I came home and sat down instead . Of course then I didn 't want to get back up , but I did . The evening shift did not go as well as the morning . Some really big parties came in and where did they decide to seat them ? In my section of course . My first real day as a server and they put a party of 10 in my section . I do not even want to attempt this and ask another server to take them . He just got sat a party of 6 and doesn 't want both , so I offer to take the 6 and he agrees . Just when I 'm thinking that things are under control , they seat a party of 16 people in my section . Of course I flip out and tell the manager on duty that there is NO way I am ready for that . Mercifully she gets another server to take the 16 , but I have to take 2 of her tables in trade . That 's cool . I can handle that . Or not . So now I have her two , plus the other guy 's one , plus a couple in my own section and that 's when things went downhill rapidly . I was so frazzled that I put the wrong table number down on one party 's order , so of course their food got delivered to the wrong table . There went that tip . By the time it w1 comments Between yesterday and today I 've read a whole bunch of blogs . Going to my favorite blogs and then checking out their faves or people that have commented on theirs , and then checking out their faves and comments . Does that make sense ? So I 've ended up on some that I 'd have a hard time tracking my way back from , but I 've found some real gems . Check out my blog list on the right to see the new friends . I removed a few from there too , because even though I 'm still following them , they don 't post that often . I didn 't want the list to get too long that nobody would look at it . So check it out . I totally found a blog all about crock pot recipes . This lady is using her crock pot EVERY DAY for a year . Now you know how I LOVE my crock pot , but every day is a little too much crock potty goodness for me . But that only means that 365 crock pot recipes could last me like 3 years ! ! ! I 'm so excited . I found a recipe for Taco Soup on there that I 'm totally trying tomorrow . Great thing is I have EVERYTHING already in my pantry . Including the pinto beans even though I don 't recall where they came from . I 'm quite sure that I didn 't buy them , because I 've been wondering what to do with them for awhile . Now I know . I just wish I had found it this morning because right now I need to go make something for my family to eat tonight . A big thanks to Melanie for popping back over and fixing my hiding linky problem . You can see them now . See . They are orange . YAY ! Why didn 't I just email her a week ago when I first noticed this instead of staring at the code for hours trying to find what was doing it . It seriously took her 3 minutes . Almost every afternoon my Facebook status is set to wondering what to make for dinner . Today was no exception . Since nothing exciting was happening on Facebook , I decided to hop over here to see if any of my bloggy buddies had posted since I was here this morning . To my delight , Alexis had posted , and not just posted , but posted a recipe for Creamy Beef Fold Over Pie , which looks uber yummy and I 'm totally trying tonight . Unlike Redneck Mommy who posted this . I will not be trying that , anytime in this lifetime . By the way , since my nifty blog re - design , all my links are showing up the same color as the regular text , so you have to mouse over them to find them . I don 't like this so much , because if I 've linked to someone , I want it to be kinda obvious for everyone 's ease of use . I 've tried to change it , but there seems to be some kind of font color override in the code because no matter what color I try to change the links to , they remain brown . So until I 'm able to figure out this latest bit of html mystery , if ever you think that I should be linking to something , mouse around and I 'm sure you will find it . For instance there are two links above . All day today I 've been mostly lounging and goofing around on the internet . A little Facebook , a lot of blogs . I 've been here for hours reading my faves and finding new faves . So it isn 't surprising that my hubby would like some attention . I 'm in the bedroom with my trusty laptop . He 's in the living room on the couch . He invites me to come watch a movie with him . It goes a little like this . Him : Honey , want to come watch Descent with me ? Me : What 's that ? Him : Some movie about girls that go underground and get chased by some creature . Me : Um . . . . I think I 'll take a big passeroo on that one good buddyHim : Ok fine ( in that it 's most definitely not fine and you are going to hear about your blogger addiction from me later voice ) Me : Well sorry , but I 'm not big into the whole creature chasing girls in rat tunnels genre of moviesHim : But the chicks are supposed to be hot Ok , wow . What a spirited comment from my good friend Beth in regards to my last post . Out of everything she knows about me ( and she knows EVERYTHING ) this post shocked her . SHOCKED with capital letters even . And trust me when I tell you , there are a few other things that she knows about me that I would have thought she would find slightly more shocking . So in light of that , yes , let me clarify . In Junior High , when asked , I wanted to be a stay at home mom . In High School I hated all those personality test things that were supposed to tell us our perfect career , because I wanted to be a mom . When I went to College , I took child development courses because they would help me to be a better mom . In freshman English I got a D on an essay I wrote on gender issues because the feminist teacher didn 't like my stance on stay at home parents . Basically I wrote a paper stating that I felt the decline of our society was caused by the lack of parental supervision at home . That I felt that in most cases most families could get by on just one income so that one parent ( I didn 't specify which one , because I don 't think it has to be the mom ) could stay home , but it would mean not having matching Beemers in the driveway of their McMansion . Seriously , how many hours a week do you think parents are working a week to afford that kind of shit ? And meanwhile their neglected kids were building bombs in the garage or wreak other havoc in their neighborhoods . So I feel that if you are willing to forgo the Beemer and the big house to stay home with your kids , our world will be a better place . I sure as shit know that if my kids built so much as a pup tent in my garage I would know about it . And if they were having trouble making friends and acting odd , I 'd take them to a freaking therapist , every day if necessary , until they were well adjusted . But I guess I 'm drifting a little off topic . By now you get Beth 's point . You understand why her world got turned on it 's head when I said that I feel that something is missing . Here 's the thing . Being 4

I don 't often talk politics or religion on my blog . They are two subjects with a high likelihood of pissing someone off , so I shy away . Tonight though , I 'm inspired . * and yet , this post sat in my drafts for over a week while I contemplated publishing it or not . Here 's the deal . I have faith , but not religion . My mom moved around a lot when she was growing up and every new town they lived in , she and her siblings got baptized at whatever local church there was . So since she was a Baptist , Catholic , Presbyterian , Methodist , she decided to go the absolute opposite way raising me . I was never baptised anything and left to make my own decisions regarding what I wanted to believe and which church I wanted to join . I attended just about every kind of church as a child with my friends , and I came to some conclusions of my own . I decided that it didn 't matter which religion it was , the end message was the same . Be good to your fellow person , treat others in a way you would like to be treated , don 't lie , cheat , steal or murder . They might take a different road to get to that conclusion , or have differing claims about what the punishments would be for failing to abide by those values , but the in the end , I really felt that they were all saying the same thing . I have spent countless hours studying all kinds of different religions . I 'm fascinated by all the rituals , customs , and beliefs that each one holds , but I can 't pick one that I can honestly say I believe in completely . Even though I can 't say I fit into any of the major world religions , I can say that I have faith . I know G - d exists . I see it in my children 's faces , in the sunsets and the stars , and I feel it deep in my heart . Even when things in my life seem to not be going right , I have faith that there is a reason even if it isn 't apparent to me right then . For that reason , I also don 't have regrets . By this I mean I don 't regret any of the choices I have made in my life . I try to live my life in a way that I should never need to regret my actions towards others . Every2 I 've worked at a restaurant for over a year . After conquering my fear of dropping things , I finally moved up to serving food . I 've been doing it for a few weeks now , and I 'm pleased to report that there haven 't been too many mishaps . I 've put a couple orders in under the wrong tables again , but luckily realized my mistakes before the food came out and was able to intervene and fix it . I 've been working really hard on trying to not make those silly kinds of mistakes . Then last night I dropped a burger . It wasn 't in front of the whole restaurant , but the sad thing is , it wasn 't even my burger . I was trying to be helpful and run the food out for one of the other servers and didn 't realize that the one burger wasn 't on the tray very well . He said it was ok , but I still apologized profusely . My first full week went super fabulous . Each day got progressively busier , and by Friday I was amazed at the number of tables I could juggle at one time . I 've managed to take a couple of large parties , but none as large as that 18 I almost got my first night , and I 'm not afraid of the 18 anymore . I 'm really getting the hang of it . Last week I worked a lot . That would explain why I haven 't been blogging much the last few days . I kept picking up shifts and ended up working 40 hours . Several days I worked the lunch and dinner shifts . It was crazy , but so much fun . I came home each night with very tired tootsies , and one night even passed out at 9 : 30 . Yesterday I had to be at work at 8 am for a meeting , then I worked the lunch shift , and after a short break , I worked the dinner shift too . I didn 't get home until 9 : 30 . Amazingly my feet did not hurt as much . I think they just needed to get accustomed to getting so much use . When I got home last night and calculated how much money I made ( tips plus hourly ) I discovered that this job now qualifies as my second highest paying job EVER . Back in 2000 - 2001 I made a dollar more an hour at a 40 hour a week job that was an hour and a half commute , one way , wearing business suits and heels , and de4 Those of you who have been reading my blog for a year or more know that St . Patrick 's Day is one of my most favorite holidays ( after my birthday and Christmas because those involve presents ) . I am Irish after all . What a wonderful holiday to celebrate my heritage , eat one of my favorite foods ( after lobster and cheesecake ) corned beef and cabbage , and maybe ingest a green beverage or ten . So you want to know how this St . Patrick 's Day got ruined ? My mom . My mom who 's universe revolves around me , who lacks any friends of her own to invite over to her St . Patrick 's Day dinner , tells me that I AM to come over for dinner tonight . Not an invite . Not , " hey would you like to have St . Patrick 's Day dinner at my house ? " . Nope . These were her exact words . " Don 't buy a corned beef brisket because I already got one " . Oh . So with that I was EXPECTED for dinner at her house tonight . I 've been dreading it since she dropped that little bomb a week ago . SHE isn 't even Irish . I got all my Irish from my DAD who was BORN . IN . IRELAND . I want to cook my own corned beef damn it ! ! ! I want to have my own family tradition with MY kids . She already has laid claim to Thanksgiving , Christmas , and Easter . Can 't I have freaking St . Patrick 's Day ? ? ? Crap . Then to make matters worse . She has to go and try to make some fancy corned beef recipe . Put a bunch of extra garbage in there like cloves and G - d knows what else and you know what it tasted like ? ? Brine . It was so freaking salty all I could taste was SALT and more SALT . Irish cooking is simple . You boil everything . And corned beef is one of those few things that isn 't ruined when you boil it . The flavor from just peppercorns , the cabbage , and some onions is all it needs . So next year , I 'm buying my corned beef brisket in January and inviting all my friends over well in advance so if my mom tries this stunt again , I 'll be ready with . " Oh sorry mom , you should have asked me first . I ALREADY have plans OF . MY . OWN . " I am asked frequently what the difference is between ADD and ADHD . The short answer is nothing . The long answer is : The disorder currently labeled by the psychiatric community as ADHD has been called many things over the years . 1902 Defects in moral character1934 Organically driven1940 Minimal Brain Syndrome1957 Hyperkinetic Impulse Disorder1960 Minimal Brain Dysfunction ( MBD ) 1968 Hyperkinetic Reaction of Childhood ( DSM II ) 1980 Attention Deficit Disorder - ADD ( DSM III ) with - hyperactivity without - hyperactivity residual type1987 Attention - Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or Undifferentiated Attention Deficit Disorder ( DSM III - R ) 1994 Attention - Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder ( DSM IV ) Broken down into 3 categories ADHD , Combined Type ADHD , Predominantly Inattentive type ADHD , Predominantly Hyperactive TypeMany people like me grew up in the 80 's and learned to call someone with these symptoms ADD . It 's like if you have a friend named Bertha who decides she wants to be known as Brittney . Even though you know she wants to be called Brittney , she 's always going to be Bertha to you . Now some of these changes are good . I 'm sure glad they don 't call it Minimal Brain Dysfunction anymore , but personally I think it went all down hill after the 1980 name . I don 't like the term ADHD mostly because I feel that it implies hyperactivity . My daughter and I are both technically ADHD predominantly inattentive type . We are not hyperactive . If I tell people that we are ADHD , the usual response is " but you aren 't hyper at all " . Just saying ADD is easier for the lay person to understand . It 's also a lot shorter for me to say ADD and not ADHD predominantly inattentive type . I mean come on , I have ADD , I don 't have the patience for wasted syllables . I expect in another few years the psychological community will probably change the name again to further confuse people . My friend Beth and I talked a couple of times today on the phone trying to brainstorm ways to help her with her son after she posted this . She 's in the middle of trying to get a correct diagnosis for him and figure out how to manage his behavior . Different doctors have told her that he 's a little ADHD , mildly Asperger 's , and now ODD . Of course figuring out which one , or combination thereof will help considerably . Since so many of the symptoms overlap between them though , there were some strategies I was able to share with her , things that work for my daughter . We got to talking about how punishments don 't work with these kids . They just don 't respond to taking their toys , tv 's , video games , trading cards , privileges or allowance away . They definitely don 't respond to spankings . The only thing that I have found that works with my daughter is rewards . Whether it is simply thanking her for doing what she was asked , acknowledging the fact that she controlled her behavior instead of melting down , or giving her a treat for her good behavior , she thrives on success . I think these kids have so many situations in which they feel like failures , that punishing them just reinforces their feelings of not being good enough , and I think that 's why they don 't work . If you already feel like you are worthless , having your things taken away must just reinforce that belief . Can you imagine what this must feel like to the child ? That they aren 't worthy of having their toys , etc ? On the other hand , they light up with the slightest success . They like to help . They love to be appreciated . They need to be told that they did something right . S0metimes it 's hard to notice the good that your child is doing when you are so frustrated with their misbehavior . It 's hard to rearrange your own attitude to focus on the good instead of the bad . There are times where you have to focus on the bad . When your child is doing something destructive or hurtful to someone else , you have to step in to stop it . Other than that though , you need to look for the sm5 I am always seeing this swaps on other 's blogs . I always want to join , but most of the time they are for crafty or sewing things . Not that I 'm not crafty , but there are certain things I 'm good at , and some of these , well . . . I would just be afraid of disappointing my partner . I saw a really cool apron swap a while back and even though I really wanted to join in the fun , I didn 't think my partner would appreciate something made with my mediocre hand sewing skills since my machine is still broken . So imagine my excitement today when I found a swap on one of the new blogs I 'm following since the SITS spring fling the other day . Mommy Holly is hosting a bright and happy swap . You can check out all the details about it here mommy holly : bright and happy swap ! ! . This looks like so much fun . I 'm so excited to find out who my partner will be and start finding stuff to send . I 've really been needing something bright and happy in my life right now and it will be just as much fun to send something bright and happy too . There are times ( trust me , there are a LOT of times ) that I and start feeling sorry for myself and situations I am in . However , I think that it really doesn 't make matters any better . I actually think that it 's bad karma to sit around wallowing when there are others who are way less fortunate than I . Whether it 's the state of my finances , situations at work , or the behavior of my children , I try my darnedest to always look on the bright side of things . At work today , my first table was 4 young men . They were super polite and had these adorable almost Southern accents . When it came time to pay their bill , they wanted individual checks . This is a lot more work as I had to try and remember exactly which meal went with which drink . I managed to figure it out and gave them their checks . After they were gone and I went back to collect my tips , I found that they had each left me a dollar . Their total bill was over $ 56 and they left me $ 4 . That 's just about 7 % , about half of what is considered a minimum tip . If I had screwed up something or somehow given them bad service I could have understood , but that wasn 't the case . For a few hours it really bugged me . Then after work I was telling a friend about them , and she said that she had served them before too , and that was just how they tipped . Then she said , " but you almost don 't mind because they are so polite , not like some of the jerks we have to deal with " . And you know what ? She 's absolutely right . I think I would rather wait on guys like that all day long for $ 4 a pop , then deal with jerks for twice as much . Suddenly I was glad I had the pleasure of serving those guys today , and hope they come back with their sweet little accents and good manners . Then there are things like this that my children do . Remember in the movie Meet the Fockers when they go to the Focker family residence and Dustin Hoffman says " If it 's yellow let it mellow , if it 's brown flush it down . " ? I don 't know why , but that line has stuck with me . It might have something to do with the fact that every 3 When you have ADD sometimes you have to trick yourself into doing things you don 't want to do . We have an overdeveloped sense of procrastination , so by the time we HAVE to do something , like clean our rooms , it 's one step away from being condemned . When I was a kid my mom would send me to my room and tell me that I couldn 't come out until it was clean . Wow , thanks for the life sentence there mom . Here is a little game I made up as a child to help trick myself into cleaning my room . Write the numbers 1 - 10 in descending order on the left side of a sheet of paper . 1098You get the point right ? Then you play . Start by picking up 10 things . It helps if you make this the 10 BIGGEST things also . Picking up 10 pieces of lint isn 't going to make a big dent in it . When you are done put a big check mark next to the number . Then pick up 9 things . You just got through picking up 10 , so 9 is less work . You 've done the worst of it . When you are done , put a big check mark next to the number . Pick up 8 things . . . . By the time you get down to the bottom of the list , you have actually picked up 55 things . 55 is a big number . 10 is a little number . If you have a child that struggles with cleaning their room ( or if you struggle with cleaning / organizing ) try this game to make it a little more fun . You might remember a while back I posted about my cats here . Sadly my cat Gargamel passed away about a month ago . I had no idea when I wrote that post that I would only have a couple more months with the most amazing kitty ever . He was fine one day and the next day , not so good . I think he had a seizure and then it was all downhill from there . Within a week he had lost a significant amount of weight and when we took him to the vet , the vet said that he had a large mass in his belly . We brought him home for a few days so the kids could say goodbye , and then it was time to put him to sleep so he wouldn 't suffer . We got Gargamel when my oldest was three . He was so good about letting her carry him around . When my daughter or I got sick , he would stay on the bed with us until we were well again . At bedtime he would hop up in the bed wanting to be loved on . He would nudge my hand if I wasn 't petting him enough . He had a knack for getting right between my head and the TV . I can 't tell you how many times I told him he didn 't make a very good window . When he passed I was worried that I would be missing this nightly kitty love . Kasey has always been the loner kitty . Sure she 'd let you pick her up and love on her and wouldn 't run away , but she 's never really initiated contact . And Mystery , well we see her every once and awhile , but she pretty much lives under my youngest daughter 's bed . She used to come hop up on my bed and push Gargamel out of the way to get all the lovin , but since he got sick , I haven 't seen her . Imagine my surprise when Kasey started coming in at bedtime and getting in the way of me watching TV , nudging my hand , or my nose , if I didn 't pet her . It always amazes me how intuitive cats really are , and how even though they may seem to be aloof and not care about their owners at all , they really do . Wow , what a fun day . All the contests and excitement . I hope I win some . But now it 's time to announce the winner of my giveaway ! ! I 'd like to congratulate Terry from Cherished Treasures for winning my Custom Binder Giveaway . Email me with your mailing address and what you would like your binder to say on the front . Oh my goodness . What wonderful things are being given away over atThe Secret Is In The Sauce today . You must go check them out . I 've entered so many contests I 'm having a hard time keeping them all straight . There 's Cheesecake Factory , Outback , Target , Macy 's . . . Too many to count . Here are some of my faves : Tattooed Minivan Mom is giving away a Starbucks CardSusie 's Homemade is giving away cookie dough balls that look yummy2 under 2 is giving away CheesecakeAll In a Mom ; s Life is giving away a Starbucks or Target gift cardCarma Sez is giving away a McDonalds gift cardTheres Always Room For One More is giving away a Chili 's Gift CardJanana Bee is giving away a Cheesecake Factory cardAubsfamfive is giving away a COACH wristletMelanie is giving away the cutest cupcake magnets ever7 clown circus is giving away a $ 10 Target gift cardI 'm not your average soccer mom is giving away a $ 20 Target gift cardIt really is all about me is giving away an Outback gift cardA Trucker Wife is giving away a Target gift cardSweet Home Amy is giving away a Nantucket ToteJam Jar Boogie is giving away a beautiful apronOne Crazy Kat Lady is giving away a $ 50 Target CardIt 's a Wonderful Life is giving away a $ 50 Macy 's cardSnarky Much is giving away an AMC gift cardStilettos and Diapers is giving away a SnuggieAnd that is just a fraction of the giveaways . Go check out the full list here . And don 't forget to enter my contest for an awesome recipe binder HERE . The girls over at SITS are hosting a Spring Filing Tuesday . Everyone is encouraged to give something away on their blog , and SITS is hosting lots of awesome giveaways on their blog every hour as well . I wanted to participate in this , but until yesterday was at a loss about what to give away . The rules state that it can be anything new or used and doesn 't have to be elaborate at all . Anything from a purse you don 't use anymore to a batch of chocolate chip cookies . This doesn 't help me much . Anything is just too many things to consider for someone with ADD . So for the last couple of weeks it 's been on my mind . What should I give away ? ? True to my ADD fashion , I had an epiphany at the 11th hour . Well technically I guess I had about 12 hours to spare since I figured it out around noon , but you get my point . Nothing like waiting until the last minute to come up with something . So here is what I came up with . Now I 'm not giving you my recipe book , but what I am going to give away is a binder , with a custom cover , a few of my favorite recipes , and a lot of empty sheet protectors . What is this good for you ask ? Well let me tell you a little bit about my binder . I 'm a bit of a pack rat . I hold onto all kinds of things because I never know when I might need them . Craft supplies for umpteen billion different craft projects - CheckEnough scrapbook supplies for an entire lifetime - CheckA tote box full of socks in case I decide to start crocheting beads on them again - CheckA tote full of patterned socks , buttons , and embroidery floss to make sock monkeys waiting for my sewing machine to be fixed - CheckOne thing I don 't hang onto , or have cluttering my house anymore , is magazines waiting for recipes to be pulled out of , or loose papers on which I have printed out recipes from the internet . I keep lots of extra sheet protectors in my binder just waiting to be filled with that loose paper . Now if there is a recipe I want in a magazine , I don 't have to hang onto the whole magazine waiting for that someday that never comes to tear it outcomments I never really got the point of Daylight Savings Time . I mean , i get the line they feed you about giving you more daylight to bring in the harvest , but come on REALLY ? ? ? How many of us are actually harvesting anything nowadays ? Then there is the whole thing with stretching it out an extra couple of months to help save electricity . So what 's next ? Pretty soon they 'll tell you that Daylight Savings Time is the new TIME , and then will they create a Daylight Daylight Savings Time . All daylight savings time is , is a government sanctioned way to f * # k with people 's heads . " Oooh , let 's give them an extra hour so their kids will stay up way past bedtime and be all jacked up because they can 't fall asleep because the sun is still out . " Insert sound of people who make black out shades cheering . " Then a few months later we will take that extra hour back so they can spend a week trying to get the kids all adjusted to normal time again . It 's all a complete waste of TIME . You wanna know how I know this ? It 's because I 've been off the Daylight Savings treadmill for the last 5 years . If Arizona has one redeeming quality , something so awesome it makes up for dealing with 120 days in the summer , it is the lack of Daylight Savings Time . We just don 't do it . Maybe it doesn 't stay light here extra long in the summer , but it still stays hot ( 100 degrees at midnight kinda hot ) , so I really don 't miss that extra hour of sun at all . So the only effect Daylight Savings Time has on me is having to remember what time everyone else is now . When it 's DST , California is the same time as us and it 's now 2 hours later in Texas where my best friend lives . Other than that , life goes on like normal , no clocks to change , no trying to get the kids adjusted to the new time , no being late for church Sunday morning ( not that I go , but there are a LOT of people in Arizona that do ) , no having to remember what day you are supposed to switch the clocks and which way you are supposed to switch them . So yesterday and today when I read everyone 's blogs and facebook p2 A few weeks ago I had this conversation with my oldest daughter . Aimee " Mom , don 't we have any cereal ? " Me " Didn 't your dad just buy some cornflakes ? " Aimee " Yeah , but they 're gross " Me " Why are they gross ? " Aimee " Because they taste like corn " Me ( after spitting coffee out my nose ) " Um , yeah genius , that might be why they call them CORN flakes " In other words , they weren 't Frosted Flakes and therefore tasted like cereal and not sugar . So for weeks they have been in the pantry and have become a joke around here . " Where is the lemonade mix ? " " Behind the cornflakes that taste like corn " . I 've been trying to figure out what to do with them since it 's painfully obvious that none of my kids , or my husband are going to eat the cornflakes that taste like corn . Yesterday I remembered having a couple of recipes that called for cornflakes as an ingredient that I had learned to make back in either junior high or high school foods class . Amazingly they are a couple that I have already typed up and put into my recipe binder . One of them is for Christmas Holly Wreath Cookies , and since it 's a little past Christmas , I didn 't want to make those . The other one was for peanut butter bars . They came out just as yummy as I remembered . Here 's the recipe . 1 1 / 2 cups of sugar3 / 4 cups of corn syrup2 cups of smooth peanut butter7 cups of cornflakesMelt the sugar and corn syrup . Add the peanut butter and stir until smooth . Remove from heat . Add cornflakes and mix it all up . Pour into a wax paper lined 13x9 baking pan . Smoosh them down ( I wrap my oven mitt with the Glad cling wrap and then smoosh ) . Cool . Once they are cool , you can cut them into squares . Let me just take this moment to mention that it 's a really good idea to measure out all your ingredients BEFORE you start the sugar and corn syrup melting . When you are ready to throw in the peanut butter is not really a good time to discover you are about a quarter cup short . I went ahead and made them anyway , but in retrospect probably should have reduced the amount of cornflakes a tad . They came o2 I am completely paranoid that someone will think I 'm stupid if I misspell things . Like this whole part of my self image is caught up in correct grammar , spelling , and punctuation . Not that I always use correct grammar and punctuation here in my blog , but here I try to write as I would speak to you , and that is not always in proper grammar . I sometimes worry that I use commas a little too liberally , but I want to be clear that wherever you find a comma in my writing is where I think the pause should be in the sentence . On occasion I leave commas out too , usually when I 'm passionate about something and if I was speaking to you I wouldn 't have stopped to breathe . Which reminds me of a time , I think in junior high , when a friend ( who will remain nameless ) made a sign for her bedroom door that said " Stupid people shouldn 't breath " . I 'm sure I made fun of her about at the time , which was mean , but it was kinda funny , and it kinda still is . Isn 't it She who will remain nameless ? It does prove my point though . One little letter can make the difference between you making a statement or making a funny . Now that I 'm done giggling , there 's the whole topic whether or not to place a comma before the final item in a list . I was taught that it is necessary so that you can distinguish whether the items before and after the " and " go together . Otherwise you end up with " The restaurant serves several sandwiches including tuna salad , turkey , liverwurst and peanut butter " . Is that three kinds of sandwiches or four ? Now if you punctuate it this way " The restaurant serves several sandwiches including tuna salad , turkey , liverwurst , and peanut butter " , it 's clear that the liverwurst is not going to be sharing the cozy confines of two slices of bread with the peanut butter . Whew ! Now I know there are many people who will still disagree with me , but I insist it makes way more sense my way . I 'm usually pretty accepting of other people 's grammatical and spelling errors . One of my best friends was dyslexic and everything he wrote was phonetic wi4 Wow . Since my last post things have been kinda nutty over here . I intended to make the Taco Soup on Wednesday , but I realized later that I was short one can of pinto beans and the can of diced tomatoes with green chiles . The tomatoes with green chiles really shocked me too , because I use those all the time to make salsa . I usually have several cans on hand , but with the hubby being out of work , the pantry is not as full as usual . Since I really like green chiles , I didn 't want to make the soup without them . Therefore a trip to the store was needed . Wednesday morning was my first official shift as a server . It went pretty well . Then the manager asked me if I could cover a shift that night . Being the helpful person I am , I said yes . In retrospect I should have said no way in hell no . I had barely two hours from the time I got off until I had to be back . I was in no mood to go to the store during this precious reprieve from work , so I came home and sat down instead . Of course then I didn 't want to get back up , but I did . The evening shift did not go as well as the morning . Some really big parties came in and where did they decide to seat them ? In my section of course . My first real day as a server and they put a party of 10 in my section . I do not even want to attempt this and ask another server to take them . He just got sat a party of 6 and doesn 't want both , so I offer to take the 6 and he agrees . Just when I 'm thinking that things are under control , they seat a party of 16 people in my section . Of course I flip out and tell the manager on duty that there is NO way I am ready for that . Mercifully she gets another server to take the 16 , but I have to take 2 of her tables in trade . That 's cool . I can handle that . Or not . So now I have her two , plus the other guy 's one , plus a couple in my own section and that 's when things went downhill rapidly . I was so frazzled that I put the wrong table number down on one party 's order , so of course their food got delivered to the wrong table . There went that tip . By the time it w1 comments Between yesterday and today I 've read a whole bunch of blogs . Going to my favorite blogs and then checking out their faves or people that have commented on theirs , and then checking out their faves and comments . Does that make sense ? So I 've ended up on some that I 'd have a hard time tracking my way back from , but I 've found some real gems . Check out my blog list on the right to see the new friends . I removed a few from there too , because even though I 'm still following them , they don 't post that often . I didn 't want the list to get too long that nobody would look at it . So check it out . I totally found a blog all about crock pot recipes . This lady is using her crock pot EVERY DAY for a year . Now you know how I LOVE my crock pot , but every day is a little too much crock potty goodness for me . But that only means that 365 crock pot recipes could last me like 3 years ! ! ! I 'm so excited . I found a recipe for Taco Soup on there that I 'm totally trying tomorrow . Great thing is I have EVERYTHING already in my pantry . Including the pinto beans even though I don 't recall where they came from . I 'm quite sure that I didn 't buy them , because I 've been wondering what to do with them for awhile . Now I know . I just wish I had found it this morning because right now I need to go make something for my family to eat tonight . A big thanks to Melanie for popping back over and fixing my hiding linky problem . You can see them now . See . They are orange . YAY ! Why didn 't I just email her a week ago when I first noticed this instead of staring at the code for hours trying to find what was doing it . It seriously took her 3 minutes . Almost every afternoon my Facebook status is set to wondering what to make for dinner . Today was no exception . Since nothing exciting was happening on Facebook , I decided to hop over here to see if any of my bloggy buddies had posted since I was here this morning . To my delight , Alexis had posted , and not just posted , but posted a recipe for Creamy Beef Fold Over Pie , which looks uber yummy and I 'm totally trying tonight . Unlike Redneck Mommy who posted this . I will not be trying that , anytime in this lifetime . By the way , since my nifty blog re - design , all my links are showing up the same color as the regular text , so you have to mouse over them to find them . I don 't like this so much , because if I 've linked to someone , I want it to be kinda obvious for everyone 's ease of use . I 've tried to change it , but there seems to be some kind of font color override in the code because no matter what color I try to change the links to , they remain brown . So until I 'm able to figure out this latest bit of html mystery , if ever you think that I should be linking to something , mouse around and I 'm sure you will find it . For instance there are two links above . All day today I 've been mostly lounging and goofing around on the internet . A little Facebook , a lot of blogs . I 've been here for hours reading my faves and finding new faves . So it isn 't surprising that my hubby would like some attention . I 'm in the bedroom with my trusty laptop . He 's in the living room on the couch . He invites me to come watch a movie with him . It goes a little like this . Him : Honey , want to come watch Descent with me ? Me : What 's that ? Him : Some movie about girls that go underground and get chased by some creature . Me : Um . . . . I think I 'll take a big passeroo on that one good buddyHim : Ok fine ( in that it 's most definitely not fine and you are going to hear about your blogger addiction from me later voice ) Me : Well sorry , but I 'm not big into the whole creature chasing girls in rat tunnels genre of moviesHim : But the chicks are supposed to be hot Ok , wow . What a spirited comment from my good friend Beth in regards to my last post . Out of everything she knows about me ( and she knows EVERYTHING ) this post shocked her . SHOCKED with capital letters even . And trust me when I tell you , there are a few other things that she knows about me that I would have thought she would find slightly more shocking . So in light of that , yes , let me clarify . In Junior High , when asked , I wanted to be a stay at home mom . In High School I hated all those personality test things that were supposed to tell us our perfect career , because I wanted to be a mom . When I went to College , I took child development courses because they would help me to be a better mom . In freshman English I got a D on an essay I wrote on gender issues because the feminist teacher didn 't like my stance on stay at home parents . Basically I wrote a paper stating that I felt the decline of our society was caused by the lack of parental supervision at home . That I felt that in most cases most families could get by on just one income so that one parent ( I didn 't specify which one , because I don 't think it has to be the mom ) could stay home , but it would mean not having matching Beemers in the driveway of their McMansion . Seriously , how many hours a week do you think parents are working a week to afford that kind of shit ? And meanwhile their neglected kids were building bombs in the garage or wreak other havoc in their neighborhoods . So I feel that if you are willing to forgo the Beemer and the big house to stay home with your kids , our world will be a better place . I sure as shit know that if my kids built so much as a pup tent in my garage I would know about it . And if they were having trouble making friends and acting odd , I 'd take them to a freaking therapist , every day if necessary , until they were well adjusted . But I guess I 'm drifting a little off topic . By now you get Beth 's point . You understand why her world got turned on it 's head when I said that I feel that something is missing . Here 's the thing . Being 4

Welcome ! I 'm glad you found us . A Touch of Book Madness is a nutty book blog where anything can happen , but mostly book reviews and bookish related discussions . We are all Mad about books here , and we know you must be too , otherwise you wouldn 't have come here . So please , make yourself comfy and share a cup of tea with us . Blog This is what I 'm talking about ! I loved that Max , unlike the other novellas in the series , truly captures the camaraderie between the Onslow boys and their girls , which in my opinion is the essence and heart of the whole series . Don 't get me wrong , I loved the other novellas too ( actually I think of all the Onslow boys Ringer is my man ! ) but they were focused in the couple being formed rather than the group dynamics that is characteristic for the books in the series . This wasn 't the case with Max . Even if we didn 't see much of the boys , as we do in the books , I loved to finally be back at the Hotel and see a little more of their banter and playfulness . I really loved that Amy took Mel under her wing and that they became fast friends . I think I like Amy even more now . If she were real , I 'd love to have her on my side . I liked Mel . I truly felt for her . Her dad 's punishment was surely harsh , and I can 't imagine how captive she must 've felt , so it was awesome to see her finally catch a break in Onslow . This book has some funny scenes in it and it made me laugh out loud . As all the books in the Summer Series , it was addictive . I was actually planning to read this novella in 2 days , but I simply couldn 't . I had to read until it was done which resulted in very few hours to sleep and a very long day after . Overall , this was an excellent addition to the series . Pure C . J . quality and I would definitely recommend it to every fan of this series . You can 't miss this one ! My only complaint is that I wanted more ! Let 's just start by saying this is pure awesomeness ! This book is like no other I 've ever read before . It 's so original ! The premise is pretty cool , but it could 've still gone wrong in the execution . Thankfully , it didn 't . Ernest Cline is simply brilliant ! If you don 't know already this book is basically about the greatest video game that has ever existed . It 's a virtual reality simulation where everything is possible . Things just happen to get more exciting when its creator dies and starts a huge contest that will award the winner everything he owned ! I 'm talking about millions people ! Who wouldn 't want a part of that ? ! Although I think I would lack the determination to follow through with the contest Anyway , even if this book is about video games , and 80 's pop culture ( which I wasn 't a part of ) I could still relate to it in every aspect . You do NOT have to be a gamer to love this book . The sole idea of a virtual reality simulation , and all you can do with it , is amazing in itself . But it was also fun to meet all these eccentric nerdy characters ! Seriously , each of them had unique traits you would love , and even if they acted in ways I didn 't approve sometimes I could always understand where it came from , so I could absolutely relate to their situations . The thrill of the game caught up with me from chapter one . Seriously ! Halfway through the first chapter I wanted to scream in excitement . It 's impossible not to root for these characters to win the contest , and the way the story is narrated you almost feel you 're there with them playing the game . It was also fun to learn so much about 80 's pop culture . Not only video games , which was very interesting because there were so many things I didn 't know about them , but also movies and music . Being a cinema fan , I could recognise some of the movie titles , but that 's it . So , even if I knew nothing about everything they were talking about , because I feel I should warn you this book evolves around 80 's pop culture knowledge , I was able to enjoy every bit of it since it was thoroughly explained . Every reference has a purpose , so you can 't get lost in all the data . It 's pretty cool how the author manages to mix all this information and wove into the story . The only downside of this book is that at some points I felt like the chapters that were devoted to explain all of the information Parzival had to learn in order to play this game were too long . It took something away from the excitement . Nevertheless , this book has plenty of excitement in it , so maybe it was a good thing to have some cool down chapters . I was so into the story that I just had to finish the book and stayed up way past my bedtime to finish it . I just needed to know ! I think have extended enough , but I would like to say that you should definitely give this book a chance . Your inner geek will absolutely be able to relate to this beautiful story . You don 't even have to be a sci fi fan . Will Wheaton did a pretty good job with this book . I easily forgot I was listening to him and began picturing the characters . His pacing was great ! His tone and voice inflections were perfect for the book . He did some excellent male voices , but he fell short with his female voices . Art3mis ' voice was decent , but his old lady voice really sucks . Thankfully the old lady I 'm referring to ( Parzival 's neighbour ) doesn 't make much of an appearance so it wasn 't much of a problem . I also loved how he did Daito and Shoto . I think he nailed that Japanese accent . To be completely honest , if it weren 't for the amazing cast and music I would 've lost interest in this book at first . It has a really slow start and each chapter felt like a separate story in Bod 's life at the graveyard , not all of which I found of interest . Nevertheless , about halfway through the book , things start to pick up and my interest was caught . As it turned out , everything leading to Bod 's age 14 was a set up to what was to come , and trust me when I say stick with this book , it 's worth it . The ending was amazing . It 's bittersweet and left me with my heart full . I think I even shed a tear or two . It is a beautiful growing up tale about finding love ( any kind of love ) in the most unexpected places and of letting go in order to move forward . I thought the paranormal elements fit perfectly with the story , with the exception maybe of the true nature of Silas and Miss Lupescu . I think ghosts and some magic where perfectly good with the story but some of the others creatures didn 't strike me as realistic as the majority . I loved however , the subtlety in which Mr Gaiman revealed these characters true colours . Holy Cow ! The narration was awesome ! I had never listened to a full cast audio before and know I will most definitely be on the search for another of this marvellous piece of work . I loved everything about it . The different characters , the music at the beginning and end of each chapter and some sound effect like when the sleer spoke . It certainly gave me the creeps . My favourites though were the narrator and Silas . I loved their voices ! They were perfect ! Brilliantly capturing the essence of the story and mood of the characters . The narrator 's voice was whimsical and held my attention all the way , while Silas ' voice was sort of dark and serious , perfect for his character . If you are still not convinced about this , just try out the sample . Let me tell you about the great finale for an awesome series . Defenseless was the icing of cake when it comes to the Diamond Girls series . Once again we meet this awesome group of friends , which I love . They are so close and loyal to each other . They are positive , healthy , stay out of trouble and don 't do gossip . Which when it comes to grouping girls is incredible difficult , so I have a lot of respect for these girls . That 's were Ryker Vaughn strikes in . It 's a bit of a cliché how all the Diamond Girls seem to have a knack for nice boys who are posing as bad , but I love that although these boys are troubled and dealing with lots of stuff they are indeed good people . I 'm a huge sucker for nice boys and all of these guys ( Bodie , Reid and Ryker ) treat these girls with nothing but their utmost respect . Which really sets and example with what you should be looking ( in my opinion ) , a guy who treats you nicely . I loved that each book has their own message , and even if the whole series is tainted by a lot of drama , these girls shine in a way that makes your heart fluffy in the end . This time around it was about texting and driving and its dangers . I also loved that it was also focused on sports . Not also cheerleading competitively but fighting as well . Ryker was a fighter and got into an accident , and I loved how , even if these girls train hard , there was an important issue about caring for your well being more than winning . Even if at times I wanted to grab Claire and shake her out of her guilt and foolishness for believing she wasn 't allowed to be happy , I felt it was very realistic . I can 't understand all the guilt that well , but I do understand why she felt she should be ashamed to be happy or falling in love due to the situation . I have a feeling I would 've done something similar if I 'd been in her shoes . I love that Claire always speak what 's on her mind and generally she 'd be really cool to hang with , so it was a bit sad to see her so down , but it also allowed me to see a new side of her we hadn 't been able to see before . On the previous book , Unbreakable , I was a bit bothered by how the author kept going on and on about how Nev was so happy know after all the grief she had to endure , referencing what happened in book 1 . Well I was extremely thankfully this did not happen here . There are small references here and there about the previous books , which is always nice , but not excessive , so that problem was cleared . Overall , the Diamond Girls series is an amazing trilogy , with well - rounded characters and great message for teens , especially a great example of friendship and healthy relationships . I am only sorry we never got to learn Erin 's story with Andrew . I feel like she was the only girl missing a story . I was glad to finally go back to this series and meet with the Diamond Girls again . The more I read about them , the more I feel they are definitely a cool group of girls I 'd love to surround myself with in real life . Plus , I would 've loved to be cheerleader in High School , if only that option were available while I was growing up . Nevertheless , there are more than enough reasons to think these girls are cool aside from their awesome athletic skills , especially Livvie . They are all incredibly loyal and nice . Livvie is trustworthy and what I love , they don 't engage in gossip , nor do they talk back in situations I would most certainly have trouble keeping my mouth quiet . That alone earns my respect for them . Livvie is thrown into a pretty messy situation at some point , gossip related , and she never once thinks about talking back . She deals with the situation with the upmost dignity and discretion . I must admit I tip my hat to her and her friends who were always extremely supportive . I also loved that Livvie had her own YouTube beauty channel which in itself is pretty awesome . I know I don 't have so much beauty tips I could share , I need to see that channel ! ( The author did however set up a beauty blog you can check out ) . In this instalment the author decided to deal with a more serious issue , in my opinion , than drinking and driving ( which was addressed in book # 1 , Ex - Factor ) . Livvie had to deal with an abusive man situation , which is much more complicated since it mainly involves the behaviour of other people . It teaches a good lesson on the responsibility we have to choose the people we want to surround ourselves right , and tell them apart spotting the signs . It also sets a good example on how to deal with it if that ever were to happen to you . The romance was good and in a similar style than the previous book . You can certainly notice a pattern there , but I did enjoy very much to see Livvie and Reid grew closer . Thea uthor really wants to make a point on not judging people on their appearance nor their reputation . Everyone has a back story that determines who they are . It is a deep message we should cherish and pay attention to in a daily basis . The one major point that really bugged me though , was that the author put way too much emphasis in the fact that Nev had really gone a long way from the last book and how happy she now was . Don 't get me wrong , I love a small reminder of what happened in previous books in a series , and I 'm truly happy and proud of Nev . But I felt it was mentioned more than what is necessary . By the end I wanted to scream I get it ! It has taken me longer than usual to sit down to write this review , because I don 't seem to know how to put in words what I feel about this book . I would have to say that Rainbow Rowell does not cease to impress me . I have loved both her adult novels so far because they are very real . She has the kind of magic that can turn simple everyday things into a wonderful story highlighting the beauty that life is . You don 't have to go and live an adventure ( although I love those too ) to experience true joy and I feel like she captures this marvellously . I have always felt that love is decision you make every day to stick by a person 's side . Of course it all starts with a fuzzy feeling , let 's say , in your heart , but true love is a decision . Georgie seems to learn this the hard way thanks to a magic telephone that allows her to realize all the mistakes she 'd made in her relationship with her husband , which was mainly that she took him for granted . Her priority was work , and she was very good at it , but her decision was always work and never her husband . It was really a fun journey she goes through and I was a bit nervous along the way to see if she was able to make things right . I loved Neil . He is the perfect lovable husband any working woman would want . I have always been a sucker for good guys , and he is the ultimate good guy ever . He was very real too . With flaws and everything , but he clearly had his priorities in order which I very much appreciated . I did not care much for Georgie 's mum , because she kept telling her daughter his husband left her , which he hadn 't . I didn 't feel she was very supportive . The same could be said about Seth . He was clearly a great writing partner . He was funny and charming , but he didn 't want to let go of Georgie and he seemed to not know where his place was . They had some mixed priorities in y opinion . Overall , it was an excellent story that moved me . I loved the combinations of characters , and how the story was switching back and forward between their past and present . It really worked great . I also loved the touch of magic that was added through the phone . I 've read some reviews that said they didn 't care much for it , but I thought it added something extra that was pretty cool . The first time I heard Rebecca Lowman narrated a book I didn 't like her that much , so I was a bit worried my apprehensions with her narration would show again . Thankfully , I was pleased to discover I really enjoyed her narration this time around . I don 't know if she was a more suitable narrator for an adult book or if her pacing just sped up and got better . Bottom line , I liked her narration very much . She did some excellent male voices ; the only problem was that I felt all her male characters were the same . Such problem didn 't exist with female characters . I don 't have much to say regarding this book , so I decided to write a mini review instead . I really liked this book . It was my first Neil Gaiman book , and I have to admit I quite enjoyed his writing and storytelling abilities . The characters were interesting and pretty well rounded . It was an interesting narrative perspective because the story was told by an adult who was remembering a childhood experience , and I feel like Mr . Gaiman captured brilliantly what it felt like to be a child . The MC was a sweet child , so innocent yet so smart , and it was a delight to witness his scary experience . I also loved the Hempstock women who were very intriguing and selfless , especially Lettie . I feel like they were the most important element of the story . We never really know what they are , but it doesn 't really bother me , because we know what they do and that they are kind . The book had an eerie vibe overall , and even if I thought Ursula Monkton was creepy as hell , the book is not scary per se . It is a lovely story , but sadly I cannot say it gripped me . I wasn 't hooked or desperate to keep on reading it , hence the 4 stars review . Nevertheless I feel like this story will somehow grow on me with time , and maybe I would like to revisit it some other time in the future . I waited a while before writing this review in hopes I 'll have a better idea of how to express my feelings . As it turns out , I don 't . I was expecting a heart wrenching beautiful and historically accurate story , based on what I experienced with Code Name Verity , but I was still blown away by it . They were as good , I 'm even tempted to admit I enjoyed this one better , but it is still so fresh in my heart I feel a bit biased saying that , but they were still so different from each other . They are definitely two different stories , with a common theme and some shared characters . I was ecstatic to see Maddie and Jamie ( I 'm sorry if I didn 't get the spelling of their names right , but I listened to the audiobook , so I didn 't get the chance to read it ) again and to see they were well and happy . It was just a glimpse because they are not the centre of this story , but I was glad to get it . I wasn 't surprised , though , to learn a bit about them and how they were coping with Julie 's decease , yet I was not expecting to run into Engel again , and trust me , you 'll find her in the most unexpected place . When it finally dawned on me it was her , I was agape ! It was awesome that Rose 's path crossed with her 's in such a way . Masterful , even . Speaking of masterful , this story totally sneaked up on me . I thought it would go straight to the action , like Code Name Verity where we learn straight ahead that Julie had been imprisoned . Not this time around . I didn 't read the synopsis beforehand so I didn 't know what would happen , and I really didn 't know what to expect , but this story was slowly showing its deep layers . Plus , it was great to see how Rose had changed after experiencing the hardships the war brought on her . I loved the fact that Rose was a poet , and I loved every one of the poems she wrote at camp . I also didn 't miss the subtlety of her last name being Justice . I loved that instead of putting the focus in one friendship , we got the focus on a wonderful group of people . But most of all , even if the author was careful in portraying the horrors that went on in a Concentration Camp , I loved that the main centre of attention was solidarity , love and the strength of human race . I hate what happened during WWII , but it wasn 't only a show of our worst features as humanity , if you look careful enough you 'll also be able to see it was also a demonstration of our best features and strengths . I also enjoyed very much that the story wasn 't set in a Jewish Concentration Camp , which , as it turned out , were a bit different from the prisoner 's camp as the one Rose was in ( I won 't even dare try to spell that ) . I liked that because they did exist , but we barely know about them , at least me . So many different types of people ended up there and their experiences were somewhat different . They deserved the spotlight . It turned out I had lots to say about this book , but I would love to end it with a mention to Elodie . I loved that character and I got so little of her . I would love to have her side of the story . She was indeed remarkable , and if I ever end up marrying a French guy and have a daughter , I shall name her Elodie . To sum up , this author is brilliant and the narrator was marvellous ! They brought together a story to life . A beautiful heart warming , heart wrenching story of hope , solidarity , love and bravery in the most unexpected places . This book will live with me forever . It accurately captures the horror and the small rays of beauty within German Concentration Camps . I don 't want to make this review longer , so I 'll just add a short note on Sasha Pick 's narrator . She is unbelievably amazing ! She has an excellent pacing , she 's a wonderful singer , I loved listening to her read poetry , and how she made all the voices with their respective accents . She was so good at it too . Brilliant choice . I 'll be looking out for more of her audiobooks . This book takes place around three years after where we left the first book , but I loved to see what was going on with the [ fictional ] lives of characters that had grown on me . They all felt so familiar . It was like coming home . That 's what I love about this kind of series where the main focus is on a new couple , but we still get to see the characters we cared for in the previous books . This could perfectly be read as a standalone really , but I would still recommend reading the previous book first to get a bit more background on the characters . This time around we got Noah 's story and I really really enjoyed getting to know him . I loved that Noah was so easy going . He 's my perfect kind of guy , modest , funny , and puts family as his first priority . I really liked that he was willing to sacrifice so much for them , even his career . I also found it was easy to relate to Cassie . I can perfectly understand where her mistrust was coming from . Past relationships do determine how we will experience the new ones , so everything made perfect sense . I 'm really sorry she had to endure some tough things with her previous husband , but I liked that she was not willing to let that sort of thing happen to her again . She was pretty resilient in that regard , and a strong woman we could all learn from . Becky was the same old good friend and neighbour to everyone , and I loved that Justin , her husband , had a bigger role this time , because I seriously don 't remember seeing him on the previous book . It 's funny that Kevin keeps pushing everyone to start their own business , he is definitely an entrepreneur , or is trying to get the people around him do just that . The only thing that felt a bit unresolved was that we never got to know if Emma did in fact open her own business after book 1 . There was no mention about that , so my guess is she did and it was successful , but I would really like to know . I enjoyed this book more than I was expecting . It turned out it was the perfect book to read by the pool , which I totally did because it 's summer here . I was so hooked I was up finishing it way past my bedtime , and I was eager to pick the second book in the series . This is just the kind of book that will warm your heart , and I absolutely was in the mood for this . It was a sweet , funny story about being able to discover the sugar in your lemonade . Even when things seem sour , they have some sweet , so keep your eyes open . My favourite thing was that Emma saw everything like it was a painting and I loved her way of interpreting art . Everyone has a story , we just have to dig a little deeper . I also adored the Mary Poppins reference ; it was spot on and hilarious ! Since this was a rather short novel , I 'm going to keep this review short . This was an action packed , fast paced novel that grabbed me from page one and didn 't leave me , actually until I managed to finish the second book in the series . I honestly read this book in one day . I just keep turning pages until I was done , and I was left wanting more . I like the premise and the setting of this new world the author is proposing . I love the idea that God created a parallel world , although I wished I could be in that world ( except for the marrying thing ) . I like how their magic system is based on the elements , and I 'm really looking forward to seeing Sarajane 's full potential . I also liked that even if this novel was a bit short , the author didn 't rush anything . So we can see the characters develop at a real pace . I would 've appreciated some more motherly action on Marta 's side . I felt she was left aside and on the account of rekindling with her long lost love , she isn 't behaving like a great mother . She has been rather neglectful . I also don 't understand Morrick 's fatherly behaviour . He seems over protective and rather authoritarian over Sarajane , which I understand , but why doesn 't he act the same with his other children ? Mr . King doesn 't cease to amaze . I wonder what it feels like to be in his head . Anyhow , I went into this book not knowing what to expect , and it was better that way . I loved how Mr . King truly captures the complexities of the human mind . I mean , I felt like I was following Darcy 's train of thought right as it was happening . It is easy to relate to her struggle , and Mr . King nails it perfectly . To provide some context , Darcy was pretty happy with her marriage until one day she discovers something really nasty . I 'm talking about horrific proportions here and her world just goes spinning down a rabbit hole . I loved that the story was progressive . First we have a denying Darcy that doesn 't want to know her husband 's secret , which in retrospect would 've been much better ; we really don 't need to know everything about our spouses . But at last , it was inevitable to look . I don 't think that I would 've struggled so much , I 'm too curious . In short , it was thrilling and compelling , and I just had to keep listening to know how things would unravel . It did not disappoint . It is a classic horror that could happen in any household , and what is scarier is the question Mr King poses about how well you know the person you 've been living with . Jessica Hecht 's narration was impeccable . She set the perfect tone for the story and her pacing was great . She added a particular element that I think you could 've missed when just reading , which added so much to Darcy 's character . It was mainly the struggle in her voice . You could feel she was a broken woman trying to put herself together . She is desperate , yet determined , all thanks to an excellent performance . Let 's just say , she brought Darcy alive in a way the imagination would 've been short . This series ! God ! I 'm very thankful I had the second book waiting for me after I read the first one , so I could jump straight back into the story . Which by the way , picks up just were we left it , so that was really great ! But I don 't have the third book waiting for me and that 's killing me ! I really like Aoife 's plotting ! Seriously it 's one thing after the other . You would think you were finally getting some peace , and something would knock you unexpectedly off your feet . I love not being able to predict what 's going to happen in a book , even though I can 't help to try . So I 'm always happy when I don 't know where things are going . So pay attention , this series just keeps getting better and better , so I can 't wait to see how the epic conclusion will come to be . It will be epic , I know that . I especially love that Sarajane feels so human . She is supposed to be the heroine , but is so flawed . She is trying her best , yet she makes mistakes . She feels disappointment , heartbreak , but she keeps on going . I was really glad to see her fend for herself this time . I expected big things from her and I 'm glad she is living up to the expectations , but hasn 't grown from ineptitude to master in a day . It 's been a rocky road , and she is still learning . All those qualities make her appear as believable . I also liked to see more from other characters . They are all showing their true colours . This is an emotional ride guys , so you better be prepared . I love that the author didn 't hold back in this aspect . The only complaint I have is that I don 't know why the formatting of the book I received was really bad . It could really benefit from some serious editting . I don 't know if this applies to purchased editions though . But if you don 't mind , then you 'll really enjoy it . Well , it was an excellent decision . At first it was hard for me to get into this story because I honestly think the author didn 't get the Chilean culture right , which as a Chilean was a huge turn off and the main reason I didn 't give this book a full five Mad Hats rating . But it was impossible not to fall in love with these characters and their heartbreaking story . I was not expecting that . I don 't know when it happened but suddenly I was hooked . I couldn 't put it down ! I had to literally force myself to stop reading so I could get some sleep , and was even a bit late for work the other day . If I didn 't have to work , I would 've definitely finished this book in one sitting . It is so emotional and sweet . I feel so much stuff for Ella . I really really like her . She is sooo cool . What happened to her is awful and all the hardships she 's had to endure were indeed tough , but she was so strong and with the help of her support system , I have confidence she will be ok , She feels so real too . I love that she is a blogger ! And a witty , sarcastic one ! I think the author truly captured the essence of a book blogger and most importantly of a book worm . The same goes for Cinder . He was charming and funny , although a little over the top with his passion . I honestly thought this was going to be a corny clichéd story , but I couldn 't have been more wrong , and I 'm truly glad I was . Even if you can predict where this is going , it is a re - telling after all , I was still surprised , and anxious , and nervous and touched by so many things that happened . This book has so many emotions people ! I even liked this story better than the original . Much more exciting , heartbreaking and sweet at the same time . I don 't want to extend too much , so I 'll just say that I love Kelly Oram 's character building skills . You have so many diverse characters in this book , and they have so many shades of grey . It is hard to stereotype any of these characters , because even if you don 't approve of them , you can understand them and feel a bit of empathy . Even for the mean characters , who were so hateful ! I love when authors nail their villains . I also think it was very clever and funny that she included one of her previous titles as a book to movie adaptation in the book . These characters are so rich . They are lovely girls and an even better team . I loved learning about them and getting to know them . This story is a rather crude portray of World War II , and even if it isn 't too descriptive we know some of the characters endure terrible torture and have to face adverse circumstances . They are scared and in great danger the whole time , but it was refreshing to see how brave these girls are . Brave in a very real way and not in the fantasy type of heroine I also love . I 'm not sure how old they are , but I guessed they were around 18 - 20 years old ? So they were mature enough to make the decisions they did , but still young enough to allow us to feel the injustice of war . The most beautiful thing about this story though , is that it focuses on these two friends Maddie and Julie / Queenie . It is one of the greatest love stories I 've read about , but not in the romantic kind of love , but rather in the friendship transcends every barrier kind of love . They knew each other so well , and they were so smart . They each had their unique personality and it was fun to see how they combined so well . As far as the storytelling goes , I most appreciated that everything connects . This story was so carefully woven . Every single detail of the story is relevant , and once we get both sides of it , I mean Maddie and Julie 's version of what is happening to them , it all comes together nicely , and let me tell you , it takes up a different shape than the one we were expecting . I love stories that can surprise me ! The historical part was excellently done as well . In the audiobook version , the author does a little debriefing of what is historically accurate and what not , but it is extraordinary the amount of research and detail she put into her work . I must say that everything felt plausible and I wasn 't bothered by any historical inaccuracy because you have to be too much of an expert on the subject to know . So as far as I 'm concerned , this story was very well researched and fit together perfectly , plot wise and historical wise . The narration was fabulous ! This is one of the cases where the audiobook definitely enhances the reading experience by adding something extra . Both of the narrators are very talented , and I liked that we had two , one for each point of view , because it really helped to differentiate the girls from each other and they felt as unique as they were . I loved to listen to the different accents ; it was so pleasant to the ears . I 'm by no means an expert but the Scottish accent was really well done , and even the French words were pronounced flawlessly . I tend to struggle when listening to a British person speak , because I 'm not used to the accent , but had no trouble with these narrators , so I really enjoyed their sweet narrations with no trouble at all . Every voice was distinctive and the story really came to life . In sum , I 'm in love with this story . I can 't wait to listen to the companion novel , and anything else this author has or will write . She has incredible talent as a storyteller and a power to move the reader 's heart . I have to admit that even if this novella was good , it wasn 't as good as the rest of the series . I think maybe it was lacking a bit of the witty sarcasm I 'm so used to and love . There was some , and there were moments that made me smile , but not as much as in the other books . It was , nevertheless , an entertaining read , and I will read this book again when I 'm re - reading the series . It was fun and sweet as it has become characteristic of the Summer Series . I really wanted to get to know Stan better and how things came to be with Bel , and I definitely got that . I really appreciated that the author took this opportunity to tie some things up and sort of introduce us to what is going to happen next in the series , so it really feels like the story is complete . I also got some closure with the Stan and Ellie thing that seemed to have ended so abruptly before . I think maybe I would have appreciated this book a bit more if I had read it just after book 1 , like it 's meant to be , still you can enjoy it if you read it whenever in the series . Stan is the nicest Onslow boy , even if they are all nice and gentlemanly , because he has such a big sense of duty I could value . I really liked him , but I missed the playfulness we saw of him in The Boys of Summer ( book # 1 ) . My main problem though , is that I couldn 't connect as much with Bel . I liked her in That One Summer ( book # 3 ) , because she was different than the other girls and rather cool , but this time around she felt bitter and childish . Maybe it 's because she 's older in the next book , but I just couldn 't find all the bickering between the pair endearing , as I did with Sean and Amy .

Has it really only been two weeks ? It seems so very much longer than that . Jeremy and the family are blending together . Jeremy has started with more words lately - this morning he asked , " Jeremy , drink please " when he wanted juice with breakfast . He also knew ever too well that what he rec 'd from his Sunday School teacher was " chocolate " - she gave out early Easter treats since she will be away next week . He wanted to eat it right away lest someone else get it , but mean Momma put it in the bag - his pout didn 't last long at all , though . What a kid ! ! This week , as he was full of himself , giggling and all , he grabbed his socks and proceeded to put them on by himself . . . . something I had been doing for him all along . . . . he caught me staring at him as he carefully opened each sock with his toes and stretched them enough to get his foot in and them pull them up with his other toes . . . he realized what he was doing and grinned broadly as I commented , " you stinker ! " One more thing that he actually CAN do on his own ! : ) I will get this one on video for sure ! I think for his birthday or someday soon , I will have all the church kids / families over and we will all get our hands wrapped with duct tape and try to do all the things Jeremy does all by himself ! ! He also thoroughly enjoyed going outside everyday this past week as the weather warmed into the 40s and 50s , melting tons of snow and ice . We chipped ice each day to reclaim the driveway and sidewalk edges that had been encroached upon since December . Jeremy grabbed a small shovel in the garage and proceeded to help in any way he could . By Friday afternoon , his stumpies were really chapped , hot and red - poor thing . He would wear gloves for awhile , but can get a better " grip " on things with his skin and the damp gloves / mittens would come off . We lathered those stumpies up good this weekend and stayed inside most of the time letting them heal . It is really neat to see the 4 youngers split off differently on different days - Nate and Jeremy were outside on Friday , while SarabPosted by We are home for 4 days now and Jeremy is settling in to his new family . He enjoys playing with the other children , and their toys ! I suspect he and Nathan are going to have some mighty fierce battles before too long . Jeremy is very inquisitive , likes to look everything over and push buttons to see what happens . He likes Lego 's and anything electronic . For several years now we have had the children using starfall . com , which is an excellent / fun program for teaching reading and phonics . Jeremy already points to the computer and says " Starfall please ! " There have also been times of grieving , as everything he has ever known has been taken away from him , and he 's been taken to this faraway country where most people don 't look like him , and nobody speaks in a language that he can understand , and it 's soooooo darn cold outside compared to anything he 's ever experienced , and he misses his friends in China , and the food is NOTHING like what he 's used to , and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it goes on and on . Everything is going exactly as anticipated , and as with the other children we 've adopted , Jeremy will have these grieving periods which will gradually diminish in frequency as he realizes the love that 's being heaped upon him is a " forever " kind of love . Keep him in your prayers . Attached are a few pics of things since we got home . John " I think I like my new brother " says Juliana ! " Wow , it 's never this cold in China , but look at all these neat playthings ! " We 're home at last and going thru the rigors of jet lag . We arrived on time at Minneapolis yesterday afternoon at approx 2pm - - after a scare leaving China . We were delayed boarding the flight to Tokyo by about 30 minutes , and then just as we were about to be pushed away from the jetway , the pilot came on and said they were being held by Air Traffic Control for 1 hour . So , our 8 : 30 departure became a 10am one . We had a 90 minute planned layover in Tokyo , and we just used up all 90 minutes of it sitting on the tarmac in Guangzhou ! Thankfully we had a great tailwind enroute to Japan and the scheduled 4 hour flight was slightly shorter than that . One thing I HATE about the airport in Tokyo is that when you arrive on an international flight , you deplane , go up an escalator , GO BACK THRU SECURITY and then back down the escalator and board your connecting flight . Like I picked something dangerous up on the plane from China ! ! Again though , God was good to us and there were no lines at the security checkpoint , AND when we went back down the escalator , our departing flight 's gate was right there and we didn 't have to trudge thru the airport looking for our gate . At the gate , the " Final Call " was flashing for our flight to Portland . We were the last to board before the doors were shut and we were off to Oregon . In Portland , we cleared customs and Jeremy became a citizen of our great country ! We connected to our Minneapolis flight and I ( John ) tried to get some shut - eye , as I knew I had a 2 hour drive after we landed . The Cox 's met us at the airport , with all of our children . They all were very generous with their hugs when we entered the baggage claim area and you could tell they missed us greatly . Jeremy was very shy with everyone at first ; he also wasn 't feeling too well . He puked twice on the flight to Tokyo and again once on the flight to Portland . No warning was given , he just let fly all over himself , the floor , a blanket , Mary . . . . . you get the point . By this time , we were exhausted , having been up for 24 hours - - our wPosted by At the Consulate - we 're done ! What a silly boy ! ! Our last day in China ! Our day was free until 2 : 30 so we took the morning slow and easy . We hit Lucy 's for one last time for lunch savoring the iced tea . John picked up a few pieces of laundry and Jeremy and I went for a stroll - hit the park and some bronze statues . We got the shot of Jeremy on the bronze dog for posterity after we left Lucy 's . Jeremy played with some Chinese children ( nationals ) at the park and handled going down the bigger twisty slide this time with ease . The day was very sunny and with just a bit of a cool breeze . Of course as the day wore on it did get warmer . . . . a warmth we will surely miss when we get back to snowy Iowa tomorrow . We boarded the bus at 2 : 45 to go to the US Consulate for our swearing in . The place was full ! Everything proceeded without problems and we were quickly congratulated for completing the process . As soon as Jeremy passes thru US customs , he will be a US citizen . We arrived back to the hotel just after 5pm and Jeremy , as usual , ran on ahead of us - he knows all the families in our group . We entered the lobby of the hotel just in time to see him board an elevator with a teen girl from another family that is staying next door to us . We boarded the other elevator with 2 other families and a Chinese gentleman - 12 of us packed in tight . The doors to the elevator closed and the elevator promptly dropped slightly and then everything just turned off . We were stuck in an elevator and Jeremy was not with us . . . . . such good parents , huh ? It took at least 25 min for them to get someone to open the doors from the outside . It was a looong 25 min ! ! Jeremy was in the lobby and no one seemed to even know we were stuck in the elevator . The teen was freaking out a bit , wondering where we were . All ended well and our guide reminded Jeremy ( as we have nearly 6 times a day ) not to leave us and especially not to get in an elevator without us ! We and another family then set off for Station 1 - a restaurant we have never eaten at before - known Posted by Happy birthday to you , Happy birthday to you , Happy birthday dear Gracie , Happy birthday to you ! ! ! May the dear Lord bless you , May the dear Lord bless you , May the dear Lord bless Gracie , Happy birthday to you ! ! Sorry we can 't be there with you today to celebrate # 14 . . . will make it up to you when we get home and are over that jet lag stuff ! ! We leave in 18 hours . It IS actually your birthday right now , in China AND America . . . . albeit only 12 : 23am in Iowa . . . . . Dad said I couldn 't call and sing to you , tho ! : ) Will try to catch you in another 7 or 8 hours for an early morning birthday wish . Love , Mom and Dad Today our CA was at 10 : 30 am . Connie took all of our paperwork for us . One of us had to stay in the room from 10 : 30 until Connie called - Mary stayed since she has done all the paperwork and John / Jeremy went out for a walk and to drop off some laundry . Connie called at 12 : 15 with the " all clear " and that we officially passed the CA - that means the US has approved Jeremy to enter the US and be granted his visa . When Jeremy and John returned to the hotel , Jeremy asked for a spoon of peanut butter - something Mary had brought with us and she had given him a bit the other day . He ate 3 spoons full , Grace , and loved it ! ! Soooo , we went cheap for lunch by getting some bread at 7 / 11 across the street and ate peanut butter sandwiches for lunch . . . . . unfortunately Jeremy wasn 't as enamored with the sandwich as he was with just eating it plain . Most of us met in a conference room at 1pm for a birthday party for Sebastian - he turned 6 on the 13th of February . I 'm not sure he actually knew what was happening , but when Connie and Jeremy sang him Happy Birthday in chinese , he smiled broadly . We all ate cake - chinese version - and blew blowers . At 2 : 30 we all piled into a bus and went to a " pearl factory " - 7 story mall of shops selling mostly jewelry , pearls and a sundry other items . After that we went to stroll on a " walking street " - which is essentially an outdoor mall of sorts - lots of stores , restaurants , food shops on a long street that has been blocked off from vehicles of any sort . It is nice not to have to worry about cars , mopeds or bikes beeping at you while you walk down a sidewalk ( yes cars on the sidewalk ) . We couldn 't figure out how , whenever we go to these places , they are always mobbed - I mean this was a Wednesday afternoon , non - holiday and the place was still packed . Don 't these folks ever work ? ? Jeremy finally found a pair of sunglasses and a " watch " - I wanted it to be digital , but when he found one in the shape of an airplane that clips on your clothes , he was set ! We stayed at the walking street for dinnePosted by Today Jeremy 's medical exam wasn 't scheduled until 2pm so we hit a few stores before lunch . It was quite brisk today and we had to head back up to the room for coats when we first decided to go out . We found a store that we had never been in before called A Gift from China - most all of the store items are handmade and all the proceeds go back into caring for orphans . They had such beautiful things - the prices were higher , but knowing that it was for a great cause helped . It was also a calm environment without all the pushy sales clerks , too . : ) Our main group of 7 families headed to the Medical Clinic at 2pm , had our visa pix taken first and then on for the exams . The kids have to go through just 3 stations : ENT , medical eval and hgt / wgt with temp . Jeremy and Sebastian waiting for their exams . Jeremy weighs in at about 47 pounds and 47 inches . He 's all heart ! :) . . . . and wearing his new pendant ! After the exams paperwork had to be done for the Consulate appts tomorrow . When you have 7 families doing the paperwork all at once , it takes awhile - Mary was here for about 2 hours ! Tomorrow our Consulate appt is for 10 : 30 and Connie goes for all of us at once - one of us has to stay in our room until Connie calls with the " all clear / you passed " in case there are any further questions or info needed . We headed just across the street to a small restaurant we had never been to before . It had hot pots built right into each table - too bad we had never done this with anyone before and had no idea what to do . . . . . not to mention most of the items were fish / seafood and our waiter kept pointing out how tasty the squid dishes were . We ordered precooked dishes instead . Would love to have had a guide to help us do the hotpot meal ! Hoping it will be warmer tomorrow ! ! Mary and John We met most of the group this morning at 9 : 30 am to go to the Chen Family Temple - this is a historic place which a very wealthy family built in which to worship their ancestors . The architecture was quite detailed , but the tour was rather dull . Jeremy , as usual , was active and skipping here and there , socializing with everyone . . . . . especially anyone with a camera . Not only does he love to pose for a picture , but he also loves to take pix and will sucker anyone willing to be suckered ! We also hit a porcelain store but the prices were really high - nothing purchased here . We had some more fun with Sebastian Haske , the 6yo boy we met over the last 2 days . We were then back to the hotel by 12 : 30 . Quite thirsty , we headed for Lucy 's for tea and sandwiches . Jeremy didn 't care for his first actual " sandwich " - grilled ham and cheese , but chowed down on his french fries with gusto . John returned to the hotel after exchanging some money , while Mary and Jeremy did some shopping . Mary and Jeremy also went to the park , but there were puddles galore and the slides were quite tacky due to the humidity . It did appear , tho , that Jeremy has never gone down a slide before and was quite taken by them . I think I 've got the hang of this thing ! We were able to get nearly the entire group together tonight - all but one family , I believe - for group pictures and dinner at the Cow / Bridge Thai Restaurant . It was very enjoyable - Jeremy sat across from Miss Stefani and used her camera for nearly 80 % of the time there - taking pix of everyone , including waitresses and other patrons ! The company was wonderful and we were able to mingle with a couple families that we had not yet shared much with . What a great group of families ! ! AND we were able to share it with Paula who just rec 'd Ben this afternoon - what a cutie pie ! Jeremy with Connie , our guide , who is smitten with him . The entire huge CHI group ! Just the boys . . . . who outnumber the girls ! And the girls with their light up crowns that Miss Stefani gave them ! After dinner , I recalled my fathPosted by A slow sorta Sunday day . We went to Shamian Christian Church at 11am , skipping the Safari Park with most of the rest of the group . An evangelistic message was given with the pastor asking who had already received Christ into their heart - most of those in attendance raised their hand ! The church was packed as usual with many nationals there for the first time . We lunched at a new restaurant which was very busy - the food was fair and the staff was always in a buzz . We were to meet our entire group for dinner at Lucy 's but it was raining and cool - we were unaware that the dinner was postponed until Monday night and was set for the Cow & Bridge Thai restaurant instead . We met only one family ( the Haske 's ) from our group at Lucy 's who also weren 't aware that the dinner was postponed - we decided to go to the Cow / Bridge due to the rain and the fact that Lucy 's was so very busy . The Haskes adopted a 6yr old boy and he and Jeremy enjoyed each other 's company . Jeremy sipping a banana juice - milk . Sebastian , Jeremy 's new friend . The day ended with the three of us sitting in bed watching a food network show , Jeremy " the baloney " in the middle - he fell asleep and John carried him to his bed . No pix for today . . . . . sorry dear John Guo ! Mary We are finally in Guangzhou ! Another step closer to bringing Jeremy home to America . The day started out drearily in Changsha , with rain falling as we made our way to the airport . Quite a difference from the sunny warmth of yesterday . At the airport we said our goodbyes to our driver Ben and our wonderful in - province guide , Jacky . Jacky was just super all week long , especially with Jeremy . He greatly eased Jeremy 's transition to us by talking with him at length and translating for us . Jeremy really bonded with Jacky , calling him " Uncle " all week . Before we left , we got Jacky 's e - mail address and plan to maintain contact with him . Jeremy then bravely climbed aboard his first ever airplane . He was kind of quiet and leaning on Mary a lot , and then the plane lifted off . Jeremy had a window seat and was intently looking out . As we gained altitude , he looked over at Mary and I with a very large grin on his face . The ride to Guangzhou was only about an hour , and Jeremy soon drifted off to sleep . Upon arriving in Guangzhou , the weather was very warm and muggy . We gathered our luggage and met our new guide Connie , as well as two other families with CHI ( Children 's House International - - our adoption agency for this adoption ) . We all bused into the Victory Hotel together . After a traffic delay , we finally arrived and checked into our room and were quickly off to Lucy 's for lunch and a tall iced tea ! It 's very comforting being back on Shamian Island . We know our way around ; most shop owners speak english ; there 's a variety of food options ; several of the shopkeepers remember us ; the waterfront is beautifully lit up at night . For dinner , we ended up back at Lucy 's . We enjoyed sitting outside for both of our meals here today . Tomorrow is Sunday and our plan is to attend church at the Shamian Christian Church , just as we have for each of our other three adoption trips here . The CHI group consists of 11 families , and we are planning a group dinner tomorrow evening . We will post again tomorrow . Thanks again for your prayers and the Posted by It has been an absolutely beautiful day in Changsha . Sunny , with highs in the mid - 70 's ! We went out for a walk this morning to a local department store , but it only carried mens stuff and we needed some new pants for Jeremy . We walked back to the hotel to shed some layers and grab sunglasses , then caught a taxi to Walmart . There we scored a well fitting pair of jeans for Jeremy . After exiting Walmart , we proceeded to walk down the pedestrian mall / walking street that goes by there . It was very crowded - - with people bundled against the weather ! ! Heavy coats , scarves , babies in snowsuits ! ! ! Those poor babies looked miserable , but this is how the chinese dress in February . We were comfortable , in T - shirts ! Granted , we are from north Iowa where kids will go out in shorts on the first 50 degree day , but wow - they were way overdressed . We would include some pics , but we forgot to take the camera with us today . . . . sorry ! After several hours downtown we returned to the hotel to await Jacky 's call that the passport had arrived . He called at 3 : 30 and said " not yet " . At 5 : 45 he called again and said " almost ! " . He finally arrived at our hotel 6 : 30 with that long - awaited , most important passport ! ! We can now go to Guangzhou . Yippee ! ! ! Our flight out of Changsha is at 10 : 30 tomorrow morning , arriving in Guangzhou about an hour later . We will check in to the Victory Hotel and shortly thereafter be eating lunch at Lucy 's - - with Mary 's tall glass of Iced Tea that she 's been craving for days now . Thanks to all for following our journey with us and especially for your comments and e - mails . They have been so encouraging and we greatly appreciate them all . John and Mary Thursday was a free day in Changsha . All of the adoption paperwork has been completed and Jeremy is now legally our son . Now , we just wait for his Chinese passport , which we should receive on Friday . Once we have the passport , we can go on to Guangzhou where the US consulate officials will put an immigration visa into the passport , which will allow us to bring Jeremy into the country . Thursday was also the 14th day of the Chinese Lunar Year , which is the day of the Lantern Festival . This day marks the end of the new year celebration . There were many people all over the city enjoying the day , which was quite nice outside . A bit cloudy , but the temps were in the 50 's . In the morning , we took Jeremy to a bookstore near the hotel . Mary found several books with pictures of common items , their chinese characters , their pinyin pronunciations and also the english word for them . We hope to use these to help Jeremy learn english , and Sarabeth remember her chinese . After lunch in a local restaurant we met up with Jacky , who took us to a large park in Changsha where there were lanterns everywhere . Just as in the US , there were people selling trinkets and balloons and toys right inside the entrance to the park , targeting the kids with their wares of course . Jeremy quickly had himself a helium balloon . We then began walking around the park . We were soon surprised to find out that there was an amusement park area located within the park . There were many rides and carnival type games , which Jeremy was very excited about . He had never been on rides before , but he was ready and willing to try . We did bumper cars ( the chinese were very timid about bumping tho , unlike in the US where the whole goal is to smash as many other cars as possible ) . We did do some bumping , but several folks just rode around in circles , avoiding contact wherever possible ! My theory was if someone avoided hitting me , I would not bump them . But , if someone bumped me . . . . . . it was on ! Jeremy enjoyed this , but really wanted to ride the swing that was located next toPosted by Today we set out at 9am to drive 2 1 / 2 hrs to visit Jeremy 's orphanage in Yueyang , Hunan . It is in the northeast corner of Hunan and is a very large city , prominent port for the Yangtze River and home to Dongting Lake - the 2nd largest fresh water lake in all of China . Our guide told us that Yueyang is one of 3 prominent cities in southern China and well known all over China . Enough trivia . We arrived at the SWI ( orphanage ) just as the older children were arriving home for lunch from school . Many hellos were raised , but we were to meet the director first . We proceeded inside the main building and were ushered to an executive meeting room . The director , a man , greeted us as well as the two women assistant directors that escorted Jeremy to the civil affairs . We were served apples and bananas and very hot green tea . The building was cold - no apparent heat . We shared with the director about the hard winter and if they had any needs - they apparently have more generators than we thought and maintained power - they were ever so thankful for Half the Sky 's help as well as many parents who forwarded funds in their time of need . They gifted Jeremy with a golden plate from Yueyang city for a memory . We then met Jeremy 's preschool teacher who is employed by Half the Sky ( HTS ) and were given only part of his portfolio from his time with her . It seems that Jeremy was an exemplary student and the remainder of his portfolio was taken by another teacher with HTS as an example of the work HTS can and is doing for the orphans in China . We will be seeking this teacher out who works for HTS to obtain the rest of his portfolio of work . Of course , in true Mary style , tears were flowing as we saw pictures of the progress Jeremy made over the years . This teacher and Jeremy 's ayis greatly encouraged and taught him to work hard , do his best and work around his limitations . Words of thanks were hardly enough for me to express my gratitude . We were then taken to Jeremy 's living area - the building just behind the large main building . It seemsPosted by We left for the Civil Affairs office at 8 : 15 this morning . The first paperwork to complete was the signing of the adoption paperwork - with red ink thumbprints for John / Mary and a very large red right footprint for Jeremy . A very special thing happened this time , though , that has not happened in our previous 3 adoptions . Jeremy was asked to sign under his red footprint . He very neatly signed his name in Chinese characters and then dated it as instructed - the clerk was ever so impressed by his penmanship and our hearts simply soared - video of this will be attached . Wherever we walked in the CA building , Jeremy was the center of attention - wooing everyone he came in contact with . . . . soon to be a politician or a preacher , I think ! : ) Several folks wanted his picture and were so very taken by his demeanor / manner . Of course , Mom and Dad thought he was a bit out of hand , dashing here and there and walking into offices with our guide , serving water to whomever he could find to take it ! ! He pulls out a cup , fills it at the water cooler and carries it carefully to his next ' customer ' . Our pockets were drained as this is where most of the overseas monies are paid . . . money well spent to be sure ! Jeremy is now officially Jeremy Yue Yuanrong Kamberger . . . . now that 's a mouthful . After finishing the paperwork we went to a local supermarket / dept store and had Jeremy choose many things to give to his friends at the orphanage tomorrow . Of course , in true kid style it was mostly treats ! We also bought two sets of badminton rackets and a soccer ball for the kids to use in their courtyard area . Back in the hotel room , Jeremy was eager to help fill 8 bags of goodies to take tomorrow . " Yueyang , mingtian ! ! " he squealed . . . Yueyang , tomorrow ! We hope to see his finding place , speak to many of his past ayis , get some records / pictures and visit his only previous home and school . Jacky , our guide exited just prior to lunch and we played a bit in the room . Then we were off to McDonalds - he certainly did not forget that I had promised we Posted by Everyone , What an amazing new son we have all been blessed with . He can do almost ANYTHING ! He is extremely intelligent , can write many chinese characters with his " stumps " - - he wedges a pen into his " elbow " and leans way over the paper and writes . He 's very meticulous - can pick up french fries , dip them in ketchup and stuff them in his mouth - - many many french fries ! He loves to eat . He 'll wedge a fork in his elbow , stick it in some meat , then balance the fork on his stump and use his other arm to flip the fork over into his mouth - - just amazing to watch . Nothing is going to hold this child back . I forsee him doing great things in his lifetime . He just picked up a paperclip from the table and handed it to me ! He 's very inquisitive and will get into anything that 's at his level . We 're gonna need to keep some things up for a while . He 's not sure what 's his and what he shouldn 't be touching - - such as Mary 's eyeglasses , so he just starts grabbing . That will improve over time . He was very soft - spoken when we first met him , but as the day wore on he got a little louder . Now he is often calling out " mama , mama " ! ! Now we 'll have 4 vying for Mama 's attention all the time ! We are beyond words to describe this young man - we could not be happier except to be able to understand all of his talking ! How we wish we were fluent in Mandarin ! I wrote Jeremy 's name on his mini doodle and he erased it one letter at a time and rewrote his name . Then he erased it all and wrote it all out . He is very quick to learn . He is so sweet - he will sporadically just lean over to John or I and smack our cheek with a kiss - then smile big . I think he is very happy to have a family . We arrived at the Civil Affairs for 10 : 30 and Jeremy was waiting for us . He shyly stood at the doorway waiting with the assistant directors that brought him . He was smiling and not afraid at all - he said " Mama " right away to me as I approached him . Our first encounter couldn 't have gone any smoother . When we showed him his few things in the book bag we brought , he quicPosted by

Minutes ago , I canceled my Netflix membership . I know that it won 't take much to start it back up , but with my first day of classes at George Fox Evangelical Seminary coming up , I figured it 'd help not to have immediate distractions . Between work and school , I won 't have much time to enjoy the shows I 've enjoyed over the summer . I won 't have much time for anything . I have a fear of responsibility . Okay , much of that " fear " is actually a habit of procrastination , but there is a portion of it that is fear . I 'm not afraid of paying bills , showing up to work or school , or even keeping my room clean . I 'm afraid of moving off to a city to attend seminary only to find that I 'm not cut out for it . There is no logical reasoning for this fear ; my favorite professor recommended me for this school , a professor at George Fox awarded me six credits based upon my undergraduate work , and deep down I love a good challenge . But ever since I was a kid , despite receiving good grades , I always had this fear that I wasn 't smart enough . In a society that tended to value young men based upon their athletic abilities , I was afraid I wouldn 't measure up intellectually . " We " being a few members of Emmaus Life meeting at Scott 's place for our Villages group - it 's kind of like a Bible study . Scott had us read through Luke 12 : 1 - 12 and we discussed various verses we liked , didn 't like , or didn 't understand . We ended the night by talking about an application from the passage ( and by eating ice cream ) . " Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees , which is hypocrisy . Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed , or hidden that will not be known . Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light , and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops . " ( vv . 1 - 3 ) My immediate reaction was not to think about the things I 've said when no one else is around , but rather what I 've thought . People can sometimes guess what you 're thinking , but more often than not , they have no clue . So if you 're thinking about how funny looking they are , they won 't have a clue ( of course , they could be thinking of how funny looking you are ) . Yet what Scott pointed out was the importance of context : What did Jesus say before verses 2 and 3 ? Jesus was warning his disciples about the Pharisees because they epitomized what it means to be afraid of how people view you . Jesus says the religious elite are making long prayers , taking the best seats in the synagogues , and always positioning themselves in places of power . And what is social power ? Isn 't it entirely public opinion ? Isn 't it entirely based upon how others see you ? Jesus is telling his disciples that what others think of them doesn 't matter . Instead what does matter is being a genuine person by simply being honest . Be honest when you mess up . Be honest when you don 't know something . Obviously it 's not that simple - otherwise wouldn 't more people be honest ? But what makes it so difficult ? What hinders us from being honest ? Maybe our friends will think less of us ? Maybe our employers won 't think we 're capable ? Maybe we experience every bit of social rejection there is to experience ? " At the end of the day , what can man really do to me ? " Scott asked us in rhetorical fashion last night . If , like the very next passage teaches us , we 're supposed to fear God because of His ability to cast us into hell , then why would we ever want to fear man ? And yet Jesus says , " Fear not . " Our reaction to God should be that of awe , yet not to the point of being terrified over everything we do because of what God might do to us . Why is that ? God loves us . He cares enough for us to count the number of hairs on our head . If He knows how many hairs on our heads and has the ability to cast us into hell , then why hasn 't He ? If we 're truly honest with ourselves , we know that we deserve something much less than heaven . God keeps us around not for His own personal gain , but for every bit of our own gain . God is delighted in the act of giving , especially to those of us who cannot do anything by our own power , which includes all of us because we can 't make our own hearts beat or our lungs breathe . And the lives we 've been given are watered down and stifled by our fear of anything other than God - in a word , hypocrisy . After all , isn 't hypocrisy merely a reflection of our fear of social rejection ? Jon Derby , a member of Emmaus Life and someone I 've known for about a decade , gave us a wonderful piece of insight last night . He said that it 's the little things we do that change how we live and who we become . A little fib here , a little misrepresentation there and all of a sudden we have people believing we 're someone other than our actual selves . As Paul says , " A little leaven leavens the whole lump , " ( Gal . 5 : 9 ) . In last week 's episode of Suits a scene came up that was also brought up in last night 's discussion on hypocrisy . It was a flashback to when Harvey Specter and Donna Paulsen were working at the District Attorney 's office . They were talking about how Harvey 's boss made him bury evidence that might have set two criminals free ( burying evidence is against the law ) : What Donna told Harvey that day saved his entire career as an attorney . And all she advised him to do was not to do this once . Not even once . Since that day , Harvey Specter developed a sterling reputation as an undefeated lawyer . If we make up our minds not to do the sinful things once - not even once - and to do the God things instead , imagine what kind of lives we 'll be living . At the end of the day , we may not have very many friends , a job , or really anything when we choose to act out God 's ways in the little things . But we 'll have a much easier time standing before Him attesting for all the things we did and didn 't do . And we 'll have Jesus to back us up . Posted on August 27 , 2013Categories DiscernmentTags Donna Paulsen , Emmaus Life , Galatians , George Fox Evangelical Seminary , God , Harvey Specter , hypocrisy , Jesus , Jon Derby , Josh Garrels , Luke , Netflix , Paul , Pharisees , Scott Lamb , Suits , the little things , VillagesLeave a comment on " It 's the little things … " Worry 's Wound … On this coming Friday , I 'll be driving up to Portland for orientation at George Fox Evangelical Seminary . When I had my interview with George Fox back in June , August 23rd was the date they told us to remember because it 's the mandatory orientation : It 's where we get registered for our classes . So , I put it in the back of my mind and made sure I requested for that day off from work . Ever since then I had thought of it as something " down the road " and I told myself that " I haven 't crossed that bridge yet . " Well , I 'm at that bridge on that part of the road . Realizing that your life is about to dramatically change oftentimes has an overwhelming weight to it . When I moved down to Eugene for college seven years ago , the weight of the realization felt a bit lighter . I had no debt , no car pay off ( insurance included ) , and the University had a place for me to live . None of those things happened this time around , which changed the dynamic of the weight to this realization . Instead of nothing but delighted excitement , I often have bouts with worry . Don 't get me wrong ; I 'm more than excited about exploring Portland one day at a time , experiencing a new school , and studying subjects that I actually care about . But underneath that excitement is a heavy sense of anxiety trying to bind me to fear - fear of bankruptcy , disease , and endless vehicular mishaps . I fear I won 't be able to make payments on my car , that I 'll develop some type of cancer , and that I 'll never find a car that doesn 't break down within 30 days of driving it ( quite a legitimate fear , given my recent experiences ) . And while I 'm planning on how to cross bridges that aren 't even in my eye - sight , God is waiting for me to cross the bridges right before me . As I 've written about earlier , I have friendships to invest in while I 'm still here in Eugene . And when I wrap my mind around things that may never even happen , I can 't invest in those friendships . Those are the bridges before me ; how to leave my church family , friends , and coworkers that live here in Eugene in such a way that when we see each other again some days , months , or years down the road , it 'll be as though I had never left . Such a bridge requires every bit of my attention . And yet I 've been concerned with what lies ahead . On Monday evening , my Villages group ( through Emmaus Life ) got together again . Instead of doing a barbecue , we read a passage of Scripture . And of course , just as these worries about months and years from now were raging through my mind and heart , we were reading through Luke 12 : 22 - 34 , where Jesus tells us to " Seek his kingdom , and these things will be added to [ us ] . " But what does He mean here , exactly ? We touched on it on Monday , but what Jesus is really getting at here has less to do with material possessions and more to do with living with the peace of God 's provision . As Americans , we often hear a different message from Jesus ' words . When He says that God will provide for us , we start thinking of cars , houses , computers , or jet skis because , as we often say to ourselves to justify buying things , we 've earned it . We 're entitled to it . God 's just the one making sure we get what we 're owed . Yet what we often don 't consider is that God is withholding what we are owed ( death ) and giving us what we could never earn on our own ( life ) . Here is where I 'm floored . All my worries regarding my future revolve around the question " What am I going to do ? " What am I going to do about my student loan debt ? My car payments ? My lack of health insurance ? My grades ? And while I begin to sweat and pull my hair out , Jesus is saying , " Which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life ? " Touché , Jesus . Touché . Jesus also says , after talking about " treasure in heaven , " that " Where your treasure is , there will your heart be also , " ( Luke 12 : 34 ) . In the particular passage this verse is grouped in , I believe Jesus means these words in the positive sense - that He wants us to be consumed by the things of heaven ; not the worries of earth . But I also think He wants us to focus so much on the positive sense because He knows the negative sense - that if our " treasure " is in the material possessions , money , and notoriety , then our hearts will sadly be there as well . We cannot have peace in God if we 're not even paying attention to Him . Last Monday 's discussion about this passage also brought something else to light , something about God 's desire . We often treat this passage or the similar passage in Matthew as if Jesus is simply saying , " God provides . " Yet , as my pastor Scott pointed out , we don 't let the weight of verse 32 hit us : " Fear not , little flock , for it is your Father 's good pleasure to give you the kingdom . " We often pour so much blood , sweat , and tears into our careers , families , and personal well - beings only to realize we can 't create a world in which nothing goes wrong . And every time our efforts fail we wonder where God was and why He didn 't provide . Turns out He 's waiting for us to turn around . He 's waiting to give us a robe , ring , and the fattened calf - every symbol that defines us as heirs to His kingdom . He doesn 't want to provide for us so that we flourish in this life ; He wants to provide for us so that we flourish beyond this earthly stage of life . Again , it 's less about things that fade away and more about things that last . And what lasts is His life - it defeated our death . He wants us to have His life so that we need not worry about death . And if we don 't need to worry about that , then what good are we doing by worrying about money , possessions , and how long we live ? No , I 'm not saying we should neglect our finances , possessions , and health ; God wants us to take responsibility for what we 're given . But He does not want us to worry about it . After all , He gave it to us , so He most certainly could take it away . And if we 're wrapped up with His Life and filled with the peace that comes with it , then why should we ever be bothered if or when He takes back what He 's given ? It 's His already ; we 're just caretakers . Worry 's wound is a belief in a lie ; that we 're able to make our own heavens and be our own gods . Yet none of us can live longer by anything we do . We might be the healthiest person in the world one day and die of an aneurism the next . So , what we actually should be focused on is stewarding what we 've been given until we 're asked to give it back . And if what we treasure in what we 've been given is the Life God freely and richly supplies , then we should have no problem in giving it back . Posted on August 18 , 2013Categories Life , SeminaryTags anxiety , bills , cars , Emmaus Life , George Fox Evangelical Seminary , God , God 's kingdom , Jesus , life , Luke , Scott Lamb , seminary , student loans , worry1 Comment on Worry 's Wound … Meeting People at Their Well … I 'm relatively new to John Green . I think I knew of him for a while , but never actually listened to any of his vlogs or read any of his books . But when I moved in with my current roommate , I was practically forced to watch Green 's " Crash Course History " videos , which are pretty phenomenal and in no way do I regret watching any of them . One video that I recently watched was Green 's commencement speech to the graduating class of 2013 at Butler University . If you have twenty minutes to spare , I highly recommend watching it . It is well worth the time . What I love about this particular speech , though , was how he described the college graduate life - or as he said , " the hero 's journey . " " We are taught the hero 's journey is a journey from weakness to strength . [ From having no money to having a lot of it , etc … . ] The real hero 's journey is a journey from strength to weakness . [ … ] You are about to be a rookie . " The idea here is that the college graduates he was addressing are about to go from being the most informed at one of the best colleges in the country to being a nobody ( to paraphrase his words ) - someone who gets coffee for other people " if you 're lucky . " And even though he was talking to the 2013 Butler graduates , I couldn 't help but listen as a two - year graduate from Oregon . Much of what he said throughout that speech is still true to this day despite being out of school for two full years . But where he turns next , the advice that he bestowed upon the Butler grads , was where I listened as a follower of Christ . This morning at Emmaus Life we read from John 4 : 11 - 18 , which is in the middle of the story of Jesus and the woman at the well . I 've written about this story before , but it is worth re - visiting . As Scott told us , it wasn 't common for someone to be drawing water from the well in the middle of the day . Because of the heat , people typically drew their water either in the morning or at night when it was cooler . So it was particularly strange that she was there at midday . As Jesus converses with her , talking about living water and becoming a spring of water that wells up to eternal life , we come to find out this woman had been with five husbands and was then seeing someone who was not her husband . The text isn 't explicit ; we don 't know exactly why she had all these men in her life , but we do know that she had them in her life . And it isn 't going too far to suggest that perhaps her " well " that constantly made her thirsty was relationships ; perhaps she thought that if she just found the right husband , she 'd be okay . She 'd be happy . As it turned out , though , her pursuit of the right husband led her into a life of avoiding public ridicule - hence why she arrived to the well when she thought no one else was there . How do we find out about this , though ? How do we come to know that she had had five husbands ? Jesus tells it to her . Because he saw her as she saw herself , Jesus was enabled to tell her what she needed to hear - that the well she kept drawing from was never going to satisfy . But she was also enabled to listen to what he had to say . Of course there are several lessons within this passage of Scripture ( e . g . What well are you drinking from ? ) , but what has stood out to me today was how Jesus shared Himself with others ; how there was no contract to sign , no belief statement to make , no ritual or sacrament to conduct , no strings attached . All she had to do was ask for the water which Jesus freely and richly supplies . Scott pointed this out ; that Jesus doesn 't require this woman to prove her faith in Him like we might in our modern day with baptism , communion , belief statement , tithe offering or whatever . He gives it out freely . " Isn 't it interesting that Jesus is more liberal with salvation than we are ? " as Scott asked . Why is that ? Why is it that Jesus , who we say we 're following , often ends up being more freely loving of others than we are ? Why do we demand that people come to our church to be saved rather than us going out to them ? Jesus met this woman on her level , in her weakness , where she sought escape from the realities of this world . And that 's where He turned her around . If He hadn 't done that , then it 's quite possible that none of the people with whom she shared the gospel would have ever heard of Jesus . Instead of being the strong man and seeing people from the outside , He took the weak approach and saw them how they saw themselves . John Green describes this whole process of becoming weaker as the college graduate 's journey ( through a metaphorical use of " the hero , " of course ) . But Jesus shows us that if we wish to follow Him , this is the sort of thing we must do . We must cast aside our poster boards and signs telling others they 're going to hell and instead pick up our cross - willfully carrying that which makes us weak in the eyes of society - and share the living water , the abundant life of Jesus . Maybe we 're not the judgmental type of follower . Maybe instead , we 're the ones continuing to come back to our particular well , despite never being satisfied by it . In that case , perhaps it 's time to step back , look around , and engage the people there with you - just like Jesus . Posted on July 7 , 2013Categories Community , Fellowship , JesusTags 1 Corinthians , Butler University , college , college grad , community , Crash Course History , Emmaus Life , fellowship , Jesus , John , John Green , living water , Paul , Scott Lamb , vlog brothers , woman at the wellLeave a comment on Meeting People at Their Well … " I Remember the Day … " Writing admission essays to seminaries is , in small ways , declaring your identity . In the act of answering questions or prompts , you find yourself defining what you believe as concisely as possible and mapping out what you hope to achieve with a degree from the seminary you 're applying to . Who I am and what I hope to do have been milling through my mind a lot recently , which I think is why I haven 't written anything for a small while . Yet during Sunday morning 's message from Scott Lamb , I think I finally got something settled . He was speaking out of John 3 : 1 - 8 , a conversation between Nicodemus and Jesus . This is also a passage I had studied a while back when I was writing a research paper on Christian baptism . Although most of the scholars I read who had commentary on this passage said Jesus wasn 't discussing baptism in literal terms , it 's still an important passage for Christian identity . As Scott told us Sunday morning , there is more going on in what Jesus says to Nicodemus than baptism or any religious rite for that matter . Such a puzzling thing to say . You see , Nicodemus didn 't inherently understand Jesus as saying that one needs to become a Christian in order to see God 's kingdom ; " born again " did not yet equate with " Christian " - if " Christian " was even a term used in their time . So what on earth could Jesus possibly mean by telling Nicodemus he needs to be " born again " ? Something Scott mentioned later in his message gave me a clue . He was talking about identity and how we try to find it in strange places . He said , " Do you find your identity in what you can do or do you find it in what Jesus did ? " In other words , do we try to find our identity by what we do , what we have , who we 're friends with , or what people say about us ? Or do we find it in what Jesus did , what He has , who He is , and what He says about us ? Being born again isn 't simply getting baptized ; it is accepting Jesus ' words over us . Earlier , before Scott 's message , we sang a song that hits pretty close to home for me . A couple years ago I was on a retreat with Cross Training and when we sang that song , which I had only heard a couple times before , I had certain flash backs to earlier points in my walk with God . The song is called " I Remember , " and it was written by a few folks from Enter the Worship Circle and mostly by a man named Aaron Strumpel . According to their website , the song was inspired by Psalm 77 , which , after reading it late last night , I have found to be a wonderful declarative statement . As for the song , though , its words and melodies struck chords in my heart as we sang on that retreat two and a half years ago . " I remember the day You wrote the words , You wrote the book of love " stirred deep emotions over the numerous times I 've read verses and passages that moved me beyond words and drove me into deeper studies of God . As many of you know , I love to read , but there has never been nor ever will be a text that evokes so much emotion and intrigue out of me as the Bible does . I know it 's confusing and mysterious and sometimes outrageous with what it says , but I love it . I cannot not read it . " I remember Your deeds , O Dad , my God , I think I 'll trust in You " stirred so much in me that night . " Your deeds " sent a flashback to the night in middle school when I sat alone in my room with a pair of scissors in my hand ready to kill myself . " O Dad my God " is such a painfully wonderful phrase . Painful because I 've never called anyone " dad " and wonderful because I get to call God my dad . Even writing about that last line now simply stirs so much inside me . Heading into Scott 's message , I was already emotionally engaged due to that song . So when Scott asked us if we find our identities in what we do or in what Jesus did , I knew what Jesus was talking about when He said we need to be " born again . " Whatever we were , whatever we had , whatever we did , whatever other people once said about us ( and we believed ) - it 's been tossed in Jesus ' empty tomb . We are sons and daughters of God . We live today because God loves . He loved us before the world saw the light of day , before sin came along and messed it all up , and before we decided to turn away from Him . He loved us in the most crucial moment : on the cross , begging that we be forgiven for we know not what we do . So whatever job we have , whatever profession we give ourselves , or whatever degrees we may attain - we are sons and daughters of God . " I will remember the deeds of the Lord ; yes , I will remember your wonders of old . I will ponder all your work , and meditate on your mighty deeds . Your way , O God , is holy . What god is great like our God ? " - Psalm 77 : 11 - 13 Posted on May 28 , 2013Categories JesusTags " I Remember " , Aaron Strumpel , admission essays , baptism , born again , Christian , Cross Training , Emmaus Life , Enter the Worship Circle , George Fox Evangelical Seminary , Jesus , John , Nicodemus , Psalm 77 , Scott Lamb , seminary , Western SeminaryLeave a comment on " I Remember the Day … " Cost of Contact … Several weeks ago , we were hanging out at Scott and Charissa 's place for our Villages group . We had just finished working through an eight week devotional , The Tangible Kingdom Primer ( highly recommend it if you 're looking for a challenge ) , and Scott wanted to introduce his discipleship training program that he had worked on several months ago . Initially , we are being trained in learning the model he 's laid out for us . Eventually , though , we 'll be trained to train others ; as disciples and disciplers ( not a word , I know - just roll with it ) . For now , though , we 're learning a simple way to approach and engage the people around us in an intentional and meaningful way . Like in college , it 's all about the C 's . Scott 's model is broken down to four C 's : Contact , Connect , Close to Christ , and Christ - like ( that fourth one may be something else ; can 't remember exactly - sorry Scott ) . Where he started with the " Contact " is where my mind and heart have been for the past few weeks . In John 4 we come across a rather controversial story . Jesus talks with a woman at the well of Jacob , which , as Scott pointed out to us , was a commonplace for gossip and the talk of the town . Notice that the woman came to the well when she thought no one would be there . Why might this be ? It 's quite possible she was avoiding public ridicule . As we come to find out in verse 18 , she had had five husbands and the man she was staying with wasn 't one of them . In ancient times , she would have been a social outcast , regarded much like prostitutes . Something as simple as drawing water from the well could be utterly humiliating . " Sir , give me this water , " she tells Jesus , " so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water , " ( 4 : 15 ) . Scott highlighted this story as a prime example of making contact with someone else . Jesus asked for a drink of water and talked with her for a little bit . And look how dramatically her life was changed by a simple , single conversation . Yet what happened after that encounter is what moved me . I am oftentimes moved more by the human reactions of others rather than the divine actions of Jesus . Don 't get me wrong , what Jesus does and says throughout Scripture is profound and I wish to exemplify them in every way . But I relate much more closely to the people who react around Him because , like them , I am far from perfect . After talking with Jesus , the woman goes into her hometown and tells everyone about Him . She says , " Come , see a man who told me all that I ever did . Can this be the Christ ? " ( 4 : 29 ) . She went to the people who gossiped about her and slandered her name and told them they were right . She used the fodder for their gossip , her testimony , to tell them about Jesus . When it comes to making contact with other people - especially when we 're telling them about Jesus - there is a cost . Granted , much of this is speculation . The text itself does not say that her town gossiped about her , but these speculations aren 't arbitrary . People gossip , especially in small towns . What kills gossip ? Truth . And yet instead of attempting to deny what they said , she used it to talk about Jesus . She spent much because , in a short conversation with the Man , she received much . In one chat with a woman at the well , the entire town comes to know Jesus . Jesus showed us that contact can be as easy as asking for some water . The Samaritan woman , however , showed us that contact can be extremely costly . And yet I think Jesus looks at this woman proudly ; I think He sees what she did - that she humbled herself before her neighbors in order to tell them about Him . If she hadn 't , would the town ever have known that Jesus had come by ? I don 't intend to imply that we should share are deepest , darkest secrets when making contact with people . What I am saying , though , is that we ought to consider how far we are willing to go - are we really willing , if the opportunity presents itself , to share something about ourselves that not everyone knows just so someone new can experience Jesus ? It 's a nerve - wracking question , but what does it mean to bear one 's cross ? Count the cost , Jesus says ( Luke 14 : 33 ) . Are the lives of others worth more than your pride ? If I 'm really trying to follow Jesus , then I 'm going to answer " Yes , " even if I don 't want to . Posted on May 18 , 2013Categories DedicationTags Christ - likeness , close to Christ , connect , contact , Emmaus Life , God , Jesus , John 4 , Luke , Samaritan Woman , Scott Lamb , The Tangible Kingdom Primer , Villages1 Comment on Cost of Contact … Ever Present , Ever Patient God … Not to steal the thunder from the mothers of the world or from my little sister who turns 20 today ( Happy Birthday Jessica ! ) , but today is also the day I was baptized . Eleven years ago in a small church in Lincoln City , I stood in swim trunks and a t - shirt in front of some 40 or 50 people ( 15 - 20 regulars , the rest visitors ) on Mother 's Day dedicating my life to following the Lord . Last year I wrote a post reflecting over the ten years I had been a Christian and in that post , I mentioned how it felt longer . This year , I 've been wondering why that is . Believing and trusting in God has had an odd affect on how I think of the fourteen years prior to my baptism . Having grown closer and closer to the Lord over the past eleven years , it is difficult to remember those earlier years without seeing God in the picture . It 's like watching a highlight reel of all the significant moments of my life and finally noticing the Figure in the background , watching over the characters in the foreground . Instead of seeing a fourteen year - old kid sitting alone in his room with a pair of scissors pointing toward his chest , I see the strong , but gentle Hand gripping his wrist and pulling it away until he dropped the scissors . Simply because I have acknowledged God 's presence for eleven years doesn 't mean He 's noticed me for only eleven years also . He was there all along waiting - waiting for the right moment when He knew I 'd be listening , when He knew I 'd be paying the most attention . God waited fourteen years just to have these last eleven with me . And He would have waited longer in order to have a shorter time . That is the kind of God He is . Seeing God in all the horrible moments of my past , in a weird way , gives me courage . Sure , it beckons the question of why He was there during my worst moments , but did nothing to prevent them , but it also tells me He 'll be there when I experience even worse things . And perhaps if I think of those moments long enough , if I freeze the highlight reel and simply notice everything going on at the time , maybe I 'll see how He was doing something - how He was preventing even worse things from happening . Maybe I 'll see and recognize those moments , as Sheldon Vanauken describes them , of " severe mercy . " Our ever present , ever patient God never stops waiting . Even after we 've dedicated our lives to following Him and living out His ways , we get busy . We take up jobs and causes or we marry and raise families or all of the above and all our free time is spent on our to - do lists and projects . In these seasons God is often pushed to the back burners , often told - whether we realize it or not - to wait a little longer . But then bills start piling up or a loved one gets hurt and hospitalized . Soon after that some other bad thing happens and we start to worry how we 'll make it through . We become so fixated on what 's happening now that we forget what happened back then and we certainly don 't see how things will happen down the road . In the past couple of weeks , I have felt that worry . As some may know , I am hoping to attend seminary in the fall of this year and what I 've been wondering about lately is how much I 'll owe in student loans . And then I think of car expenses and medical expenses and credit card debt and I begin to feel suffocated by worry . Such a time is critical to remember God 's presence in past moments . If He was there that night when I wanted to end my own life , what reason do I have to believe that He would not be there to help me find a way to pay back the money I owe ? Why do I have this unspoken belief that I 'm alone in this ? God is waiting , even now , for us to turn to Him for help , for guidance , for peace . He doesn 't want to remove our problems and trials ; He wants us to hold His hand as He walks us through them - as He helps us overcome them . Believing and trusting that He 'll appear in tomorrow 's highlight reels is tough . Seeing Him again and again in yesterday 's highlight reels , even before I was consciously aware of His presence , makes it a whole lot easier . Worry , fear , and distrust are all natural emotions . When it comes to trusting God , we feel these emotions all the time because we 're learning how to let go of the control we think we have . We 're learning to wait on God instead of making Him wait on us . Our nature is changing . This morning Scott shared a message out of John 2 focusing on the wedding at Cana . He told us a couple important pieces of information that aren 't really spelled out in the text . He said that wedding celebrations would often last a week or so , which meant that all the supplies ( food and especially wine ) would have to last that long . So when Jesus ' mom tells Him that the wedding 's run out , it 's safe to say she was a little concerned for the families involved ; they would have both been embarrassed . Of course we all know what happens next , Jesus turns a bunch of water into wine and saves the party . But , as Scott pointed out this morning , notice what Jesus says to His mom , " Dear woman , why do you involve me ? … My time has not yet come , " ( 2 : 4 ) . In other words , Jesus is reminding His mother who He really is and that His public ministry was not ready to begin . So when she tells the servants , " Do whatever he tells you , " she 's actually acknowledging that Jesus is going to help in His own way . He 's not going to buy more wine ; He 's just going to make it . In the midst of Mary 's concern ( and presumably the concern of all those who knew the wine had run out ) , Jesus makes a lot more and makes it better . He responds to worry with celebration . We 're constantly trying to do things our own way and create our own realities as if we were J . Gatsby , but the real celebration - the one that comes free of worry or anxiety - is the one where God takes control . While we 're trying to create bread crumbs , He 's waiting with baskets full of bread loaves . In 25 years of living , I have known God . It took 14 of those years to notice Him , but looking back I now know he was there all along . Now the trick is to remember He 's still there when things get crazy , when the wine runs out . Posted on May 12 , 2013Categories FaithTags baptism , belief , Emmaus Life , ever patient God , ever present God , faith , J . Gatsby , Jessica Kelley , letting go , Mother 's Day , Scott Lamb , Sheldon Vanauken , trustLeave a comment on Ever Present , Ever Patient God … Needing to Breathe … Allergy season is upon us here in Eugene . For asthmatics like me , things get a little complicated . You wake up in the middle of the night feeling as though someone was giving you a bear hug without letting go after you 've said , " Mercy . " Warm sunny days are great only from a distance , like admiring the sunlight through the trees from your living room window , which is closed as well as every window and door in the house / apartment . Taking out the garbage , cleaning the car , and going to the grocery store remain rainy - day activities . And if you have to go outside , always , always , always take a box of tissues . In recent months , though , my asthma has worsened - and that 's apart from it being allergy season . I 'm not sure if it 's because I haven 't worked out in a while or because I haven 't been to the doctor in years ( or a little bit of both ) , but for some reason I 've had far more asthma attacks and difficulties in breathing than I had all last year ( and the year before that ) . Back then , my asthma only seemed to kick up whenever I worked out or played football . Recently it has acted up while sleeping or sitting on the couch watching TV . Maybe it 's a sign that I shouldn 't be idle for too long , but I like to think it 's because I have some imaginary , incurable disease that only one doctor in the entire world is capable of treating and he happens to be on vacation … I imagine things like this when I get really bored . What all of this breathing trouble led to , though , was me finding a way to see a doctor so that I could be prescribed for another inhaler . At the time it wasn 't desperate because the inhaler I did have had a few puffs left in it ( and yes , " puff " is the technical term doctors use … I think ) . I didn 't think I 'd need one for another month because I thought I could handle it . I thought I could just keep drinking coffee , which does help on a temporary basis . I thought I 'd be fine . But then there were several nights in a row where I woke up unable to breathe . Some of those nights I could tell by the way that I gasped as I woke up that I hadn 't been breathing for a minute or more . My asthma wasn 't as bad as I thought it was ; it was worse . What was holding me back from getting another inhaler ? I thought I couldn 't afford one . Seeing doctors without health insurance is expensive . Not only that but who 's to say they 'll agree with you about your asthmatic condition ? Maybe they decide you should be on a different , more expensive inhaler ? Maybe they decide you don 't need an inhaler , but instead an expensive pill on a daily basis that you 'll have to buy again after 30 days ? Trying to be independent about even something so basic as breathing can cause all sorts of unnecessary worries . I had sent my pastor , Scott , a text about my situation . He said he 'd email a few people in the church to see what kind of finances they all could gather . In that moment , I must admit I felt guilty . I felt a little ashamed for asking others for financial help because I knew that if I had been wiser with my own money , if I had lived within my means , I could have paid for a trip to the doctor and got an inhaler myself . If I hadn 't purchased that cool jacket or gone golfing that one time or bought lunch for a friend that one day , I could have taken care of myself . I wouldn 't have had to ask for help . Independence is destructive because it makes you think that receiving help - even asking for it - is weak . Taking care of yourself and being self - sufficient is important , but not to the point where you rely only upon yourself to get everything done . You can 't be part of a community if you rely only on yourself . Days later I received enough money to pay for a trip to the doctor and the inhaler , which happened a few days ago . During this weekend , I was hit hard with allergies and if it wasn 't for that inhaler , I believe I would have had to go to the hospital because my breathing - or rather , my lack of breathing - was that bad . It is very possible that accepting the help saved my life . Needing to breathe goes beyond physically being able to gather oxygen ; it 's about a posture of the heart , like I talked about last time , that allows people to help you . Let 's think about it this way , when Jesus tells us to love others as we love ourselves , doesn 't that imply we allow others to help us ? If we go out of our way to help someone else , to love another , then we 're asking them to let us help them . And if that is how we want others to love us , then doesn 't it mean we ought to allow others to help us ? Allergy season is like a mini purgatory for asthmatics . If I hadn 't have sent Scott that text and received the help I needed , I may not have made it through . In a similar way , what else can I do , what other area do I truly need someone 's help in ? If I 'm honest with myself , I already know those areas ; I just haven 't admitted them . It might be the wisest thing for me to do since I don 't know when or where my next battle with allergies will be . And yes , " allergies , " in this case , is a metaphor . We need to breathe . And I ask you as I have asked myself , what do you need to do - what area do you need help in - in order to breathe ? Admitting those areas opens our lungs , opens our hearts , and opens our souls to God and His people . May we admit them before our next allergy season .

For the cost and extended life we 're saving a ton not buying plastic kitchen clips . You can find them in all sorts of fun colors and sizes tailored just to your needs and preferences and buy them in varying lot sizes so you get just what you need or a few years supply for not much more than that . I also use them sometimes to hold together small art projects I am working on . They work great as clamps while gluing things together or to hold things together while you make adjustments so that everything is evenly spaced . You can also loop one over a magnet hook to organize papers on a fridge or magnet board . You can even use them to clip and display art . They can be great for holding open coloring book pages that might frustrate children to keep flat . I 've used one for a bookmark before too . We keep a few in the car too and we seem to find uses for them all the time . You can use them to clip a blanket up over a window if the sun is blazing down on sleeping kiddos ( keeping in mind driver visibility issues of course ! ) You could clip needed items to the visors or use them to clip a blanket around a kiddo to keep them covered and warm in the car . ( Use your creativity here there are a few ways I can see this working . ) They would probably be a great addition to a 72 - hour kit in a variety of sizes . You could use them to create a shelter if you had some rope and a tarp or to create a water catcher by clipping up the edges of a jacket or tarp or plastic bag . You could use them to create a temporary outdoor shower with some fabric or tarp . So along with the clips , you should definitely get a tarp it sounds like ! Ha . You could also use them to construct a survival oven if you had some foil or something metal . You can also use them to hold a spoon on the side of a pot by clipping one to the edge and sliding the spoon handle through the clip prongs . They could also be useful in a myriad of ways in the garden . Last year when I was in that dumb cast I missed out on enjoying all the lilacs we have in our yard . To get to them I would 've either had to hop down a crazy , loose dirt path or climbed down some steep and unven natural boulder stairs to get to them and that just was not possible . So today was my day to walk happily on two working feet down to the lilac bushes to cut a big box full of blooms to bring into the house . I was reminded that lilacs are pretty messy but I thought to myself some of the greatest joys in life bring messes with them . You can 't have the sweet scent of fresh flowers without a bit of a mess when they crumble . I 'll clean it up when it 's time . Meanwhile I have a vase of blooms on the kitchen windowsill , on my desk , on our dining table , the foyer table and in our powder room . There are still tons of blooms to come so I hope I 'll make time to go out and retrieve more as these die and new blooms come on the bushes . We had some good rain this week but our backyard is not looking so hot . Needs some attention . Of course I 'm thinking there are snakes just waiting to jump out at me from behind every rock . Agh . I think I need some study leather cowboy / work boots to protect my ankles . We have had a very odd year with our forsythia bush in the back yard . It should bloom tons of bright yellow flowers in February or early March and then leaf out for the summer . Our front bush did bloom but our back bush only didn 't . It got about five blooms on it just about the time it started to leaf . Last year is was full , vibrant and flowered early in the Spring . Not sure what 's going on with the back yard , but it needs some love . I also need to brush up on taking care of some of these plants I 'm not that familiar with . I 'd also like to get rid of a few weedy - looking things that are meant to be there but just look ugly . We also have a far back patch of dirt that could / should be grass of something . This house was empty for a while and before that lived in by older people who just let the yard go pretty much . Yards are a lot of work . I did well to keep up with a little garden patio in our last house . I am itching to get some planters going with sweet peas , herbs and tomatoes . Having a fresh herb garden is just the best . My family has been so spoiled to have fresh tomatoes the past few years that they can 't stand grocery store tomatoes - and they both love tomatoes . Hopefully this year I 'll buy some better plants and we 'll get a little bit bigger harvest . I should grow some peppers and chiles if I can too . We need to plant a bunch of mint in pots around the yard to ward off bugs , especially ants and mosquitos - although we don 't get too many mosquitos here . I also read that there are herbs to help ward off fleas . Last year we had a couple of weeks of pure misery with fleas . They didn 't bother the dog at all because he was medically protected but we humans took the brunt of it . I 've never dealt with fleas before but it was awful and we don 't want to experience that again this year ! Gardening is so much fun . We certainly have the space but the upkeep is a lot of work , although the rewards are delicious . We still have about two weeks until recommended planting season - after the last frost traditionally . After being able to garden year round in California this waiting to plant business makes me antsy . I 'm going to start preparing my gardening beds and pots now and then in a couple of weeks I can just start popping in seeds and plant starts . I think I 'll start planting some seedlings this weekend and that 'll give me a couple of weeks head start on planting outside . Fun stuff ! Are you planting anything this year ? If so , what are you most excited about growing . We had a few leftover burgers in the fridge last week that I decided they would make a good dinner on Thursday . But we were short on a lot of things we often eat with burgers . We didn 't have a wide assortment of fresh veggies and fruit which I usually serve with burger meals . We had a few carrots and just a little lettuce and no tomatoes for the burgers . So I was looking for something different I could whip up to round out the meal . Now it seems like often I do something to screw up these Pin Test recipes so I can 't always say it was the recipe . This time , Kiddo made the sweet potato fries and I 'm not totally sure what happened but they got a little too much cayenne in them , so no one ate them . I think we need to try this recipe again with a little more adult supervision . The Man loves a good sweet potato fry so we 'll definitely try this one again soon and I 'll try to gauge the cayenne situation a little better . The crispy baked garlic fries were good . I would say I need to work on my cooking methods for both . I think maybe I overcooked them . While they weren 't photo - worthy they did taste good ! I think these could 've used a little more oil on the pan because they stuck to the pan . I think I need to work on my garlic tossing of these when they are done too . But they were yummy and every one of them got eaten up . The Man had two servings and Kiddo and I split the rest . Despite my failing in the artistic creation , they were yummy and we 'll try them again soon . It 's very challenging to make a recipe for the first time and try to figure out all the subtle and not so subtle nuances . Both these recipes have made it into my personal cookbook and I 'll pull them out and try them again soon . I recommend them both , you might just want to be judicious about cayenne in the sweet potato recipe . I 'm not sure what happened there , I guess I 'll have a better idea as we continue to experiment with these . It 's been rainy and cool here in the desert . It feels like northern Europe , which I love a little dose of . It 's been more drizzly than rainy and I have so many memories of days like this in England and Scandinavia . I good scarf around the neck and good rain jacket layered over something warm seem to be just the ticket on days like this . It 's nice to have a little break from the usual desert weather . I need to drink tea , sit by a window and read a book or something to celebrate it . If I were in northern Europe I 'd ride my bike somewhere cozy or light some candles . Ooh , it is a perfect cozy day . . . this is where Hygge comes in . . . you know that Danish lifestyle trend that suddenly everyone is talking about . I met Hygge in 1988 and she 's been a friend these long years . Candles , tea , good company . Done . Last month when I took down the Valentine 's decorations from our dining room windows , Kiddo asked me not to take down our sparkly , glittery , big silver snowflakes yet . Since it was still winter I obliged . But now that it 's quite warm outside it seemed high time to put up something new . We have an Easter garland up and we continually keep up a garland of pinecones from our yard and a string of twinkle lights then I 've just been rotating in and out the seasonal garlands . Here is a little before photo . This is one of the best spaces in our home and it is so hard to photograph . I frequently want to share it or capture it in photos and I have yet to get a photo of the dining room windows that I really like . The backlighting is a challenge . The snowflakes hang independently from the ceiling from five clips across that window space . I like them because they can last us from post - Halloween right through to Spring . I wanted to come up with something to hang from those clips that might carry us from spring through summer and then I remembered the paper butterflies I made a few years ago . Here 's a link to that post , which was Pin Test # 13 . The link to the original tutorial I based those butterflies off us no longer works and it seems that the website no longer exists . So I found a similar tutorial that can be found here . In the original tutorial they used brightly colored magazine pages , which is what I used the first time I made these . In the tutorial I am linking to now it 's more structured towards a kids craft so they use tissue paper and pipe cleaners . I think you really can upscale or downscale these as much as you want . I photographed these outside hanging from a favorite tree as I might for a party so that the light would be better . I do love having a few decorations blowing in the breeze for a party , big or small . If I could do one thing differently I think I would made the bottom half of the butterflies smaller . I started with a 12x12 square for the top and then cut down the bottoms to 10x10 . Looking back at the others I had made before I like that the bottoms are smaller in scale than the ones I made this week . Maybe they would be better if I went 8x8 or 9x9 . Whipping these up didn 't take much time at all . I easily whipped up six in about 30 minutes . I stapled each folded section in the middle to hold it together and then bound the top half and bottom half of the body together with white and silver cord , leaving enough to tie them to the ceiling and have them hang down to similar lengths as our snowflakes , not too far above our garlands . So now we 'll have some pretty butterflies fluttering around our dining room instead of sparkly snowflakes . These butterflies would make great party decorations for a baby shower or girl 's birthday party and would be really sweet hanging from tree branches for a garden party . Depending on the kind of paper you use these are one - sided or two - sided . Because I used one - sided scrapbook paper mine are only pretty from the front but no one really sees them from the back in that window . If I was going to hang them where they would be twirling more or blowing in the breeze I would probably use tissue paper , two - sided scrapbook paper - something that looks pretty from all sides . These are a fun craft to do with kids too and using pipe cleaners is an easy way to get butterfly antennae too . Making them from giant sheets of newspaper or butcher paper could be really interesting . Or you could create simple painted sheets of paper , any size with paints or watercolors and then make butterflies from them . There are so many ways to make these that using a little creativity they can be personalized in size , color , shape and materials . If you try these , let me know . I 'd love to see a photo and hear how you made them your own ! Even though we didn 't hit all five days last week with home organization projects I 'm going to say it was a big success for a few reasons . First it got a lot of reorganization done . Second and probably more important it got some big home fixing up momentum going again . It was great to see progress made and every one of us got into it . Good stuff ! This is one of the corners we tidied last week , heading out to our garage on the left . The doors on the right are the new " mud room closet " for school backpack and other items that seem to get tossed on the family room floor or sofa right inside the entry door from school . Now to instill the discipline for the items to get put away every day . That may be tougher than the actual clean up ! I am trying to hold back from going too " minimalist " on the family but in the last week have put on the minimalist movie on Netflix and put up this quote temporarily ( maybe - HA ! ) . The Man doesn 't like motivational quotes on walls , He calls them " - ISMs " . Clearly he has no idea what 's going on in the world of home decor and signage right now because I seriously only have this hanging in the entire house right now . He has no idea how sign crazy his life could be with other women . Ha . He needs to spend some time on Instagram so he can appreciate my restraint . Haha . But I do feel some responsibility to help our family see that less is more , everything needs to have a place and that we don 't need a lot to be happy . I have to regularly remind myself of that too and I am pretty minimalist already . This all plays into having gratitude , living frugally , making good financial decisions , managing our emotions , our recognition of wants vs . needs and so much more . It really is important to our overall well - being . I 'm going to keep trying to schedule in at least one of two projects each week to keep this momentum going . Even if we do 30 minutes on a weeknight once a week and an hour on Saturdays we will still make a lot of progress . I 'm convinced that the more we work , the more efficiently we 'll work as we go forward so we can get more done , more quickly . I think that will come along in part because along the way we 're making final decisions about where things will be stored and what is of value and necessary to keep . As we continue to make these decisions it gets easier and faster to make them . I also think it really helps that we 've lived in the house for a little over a year now so we understand out patterns , habits and what entryways we use most often , where we like to keep things handy , etc . I 've never really done this in a house before now but I really think it is wise to continually re - evaluate how you are using your space and what works best for your family . Things change over time , we learn that some things don 't work as well as we thought they might and our families living in our homes change too . What worked well for babies might now work well for the grade school era , what works for grade school might benefit from changes made for middle school years and so on . I think we 're all seeing enough progress to see some light at the end of the tunnel . We 'll get settled into this house yet ! Yay ! I hope along the way we 're gaining some new skills in working together as a family , learning to live with less , the best ways to organize a home for our needs , appreciating what we have , what we don 't need to be happy and other lessons we may not even recognize yet that will be valuable to all of us going forward and will also make our home even better in a variety of ways . This is exciting to think about . It makes me want to jump up and start a little project right now . File size rubber bands are my Big Like for this week . So simple and yet they serve me in so many wonderful ways . You can buy them in a bag in the most lovely colors at an office supply store . I keep a jar of them in my office and use them weekly . They are one of those little things you never knew how much you needed until you started using them . I like to keep one around my spiral bound journal which I often carry around with me . It helps keep the cover and pages in good shape even though I get a little rough and careless with the notebook sometimes . I also use them on my composition notebooks to hold all the things I tuck inside them together . I also use them on food bags like nuts and chocolate chips . They help keep things fresh and keep the pantry from unnecessary messes and spills . And with the bright pretty colors they always look festive . I love having a small stash on hand so I can easily grab one when needed . There is nothing worse than searching the house for a clip , rubber band , stapler , scissors - - all those little office supplies that come in so handy . Love some File Rubber Bands ! I woke up yesterday morning ready to start our next Spring Break organization project and soon found myself quite frustrated . As I was making our bed I started tidying up the room and while I was putting away a half unpacked suitcase that has been sitting next to my bed for two weeks I got really mad at myself . You can 't have organization if you don 't take the few seconds or minutes it takes to put things away after you use them . I put everything from the suitcase up on the freshly made bed and started putting things away two by two , one item for each hand . It took me only about three minutes to get that suitcase cleaned out and put away and I felt so mad at myself for letting that go for so long . Life is so much easier when everything has a place and is put back into place after it is used . I 've let that slip , my family is terrible about that and it just hit a breaking point with me yesterday . Next I quickly cleaned up my bedside table which had gathered an assortment of essential oils , lotions , pens and hairbands and put all that away in the drawer not more than one foot away where all those things have a place . Then I cleaned off my dresser which had gathered an assortment of small recently laundered items that needed to be put away , shopping receipts and dust . This all took me less than 10 minutes to do and that made me even more annoyed that I wasn 't doing a better job keeping it tidy . It 's amazing how much lack of organization can wear on a soul , how cranky one feels to be around it and how the solution can be so simple . " A place for everything and everything in it 's place " is a motto to live by ! I have lived like that in the past and , as I have many times , I credit a dear friend for teaching me this . I was already part of the way there but when I saw her system it changed my life and made my life so much easier and organized . Then I went and got a family and things started eroding . I had the luxury of living alone for long enough to really settle into that motto and I knew where my things were . Everything had a home , I lived with only what I needed and I could easily put things away and find things . That is not nearly as easy when you are dealing with a family 's worth of stuff , have people moving things around , not putting things away and just a ton more stuff . Compound that by the fact that you married someone who finds sentimentality ( like tee shirts from high school , 90s jeans , Sunday comics ) and " I might need this in the future for something " ( like bits of 550 cord and advertisements for things he might need in five years ) to be constants . Keeping a house tidy all the time with a family is a big challenge . Just upkeeping the kitchen throughout the day is challenging enough , let alone other main living spaces like living rooms , family rooms and bathrooms . Don 't even get started on attics , yards and garages . Then there are jobs , church and civic work , family activities , needs for quiet time and attention to family members , doctors appointments , groceries to buy . . . it seems to never end . I admire a family who can keep that all organized and together . And then I wonder sometimes at what cost that comes . Do we make our families completely miserable and make them feel unwelcome in their own homes because of our obsession with tidiness and order . Do we just become constant " cleaning police " and lose ourselves in cleaning hypervigilance . Some women just wear themselves out trying to do it all by themselves at the sacrifice of their own mental and physical health . I know that is the pendulum swinging the completely opposite direction but I do think that with each family it is different . Perhaps my situation is a bit unique because I gained a family instead of starting a marriage with one spouse and not much stuff . We already had two full lives of belongings and started with a young child . Some habits at midlife are pretty hard to change . I don 't know exactly what the solution is but it looks like I 'm either going to find it or bounce around somewhere near the solution or make myself crazy trying to find it . Ha ! How do you manage this and stay in your sane zone ? What have you learned to let go of and what have you enforced that helped make your life less crazy and more organized ? I 'd love to hear your insights ! When we first closed on our house about 18 months ago we were hard charging to get things done . We ripped out the pond / planter in the kitchen and got the floors replaced , painted the walls , hung a chandelier and replaced the flooring in the office / laundry room , painted the downstairs bedrooms , replaced all the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones . . . and then the holidays came and the week after that my foot accident . Screech went the brakes . Then we moved into the house because is was so much easier for me to maneuver around in on crutches . And then we went into survival mode until summer while I hobbled , worked full time and we found ourselves incredibly busy . Now here we are months later and this house has just never gotten organized like it should have with a proper move in . It 's just been survival mode and disorganized and I can 't take it . Now unfortunately the rest of the family has developed some bad habits about not putting things away and things not having a proper home and it 's going to be crazy hard to create new habits now . But it has to be done for everyone 's sanity , most importantly mine . So not only do we need to reorganize the entire house but we really need everyone to commit to keeping it that way . This is going to be a real challenge . So I came up with a plan for Spring Break week where we 'll do a project in the morning and then we 'll go have fun in the afternoon . This way there is some earning and ownership of work in the mornings and then we have something to look forward to and relax doing in the afternoon . Hopefully I 'll get buy in from the family . I called a Family Meeting on Friday night to have a conversation about how things got to where they are , what we can and need to do and how we can accomplish this during our Spring Break week . Hopefully this is going to get everyone on board for the duration of the week . I was really committed to starting at the front door and working our way through the house but the more I think about it the more I think we need go start in the garage and work our way through the house from that direction instead . That way we 'll have available storage for things we need to move out of the house in the garage . The Man has been working out there from time to time going through boxes and such and I have a feeling there are a ton of half empty or empty boxes that we just need to get out of there or finish cleaning out . I think we are all ready to get rid of more stuff . I anticipate we 'll have a big load for the thrift store this week . It will be great to get the garage in better shape and then move on to the house . I am learning that at times things are much easier to accomplish than expected and sometimes they are much harder . I 'm not sure which the garage will be but fingers crossed things are in better shape out there than any of us expect and we 'll be able to make some big progress quickly . We need space in the garage for all the home improvement tools and products that are now set up in our family room . It was great when we were working on the house daily in the winter , but I don 't think we need it in the house anymore . It could all be arranged nicely in the garage and we need to reclaim that space in the family room desperately . The Man continues to complain that there is no storage in this house , but in reality we just aren 't using any of it to its proper use . We actually have a lot of space it 's just not being used well . This may sound a little crazy , but I smudged our house with white sage and lavender and gave the house a prayer / blessing . I thought I would hate the smell of the smoke in the house but I didn 't mind it at all and it didn 't linger or bother anyone else . In fact the family seemed to like It . Ideally you smudge after you 've decluttered but I think we needed a little energy burst to get us going again and then I 'll do it again sometime soon . I do feel like the house needs a energy cleansing and fresh start . Whatever it takes . Especially after our neighbor made the mistake of telling The Man that both the previous homeowners died in this house . Fresh start , clean energy for them and for us . I bought the sage a few weeks ago and it had just been sitting on the counter until I studied up and decided to try it . I asked the family if they felt the energy in the house was a little lighter and we all felt it was a strong " maybe . " We 'll see what happens . Anyway I digress . So the plan is the cleanse the house in body and soul and have some fun this week adventuring around to more local museums and attractions . Hopefully by the end of Spring Break we 'll have a very happily organized house and we 'll have had a lot of good adventures too . Fingers crossed ! * Late - breaking update . Okay so our first day of Spring Break went pretty well , despite some crying and me telling a little person I needed to take her to the ER if her legs suddenly weren 't working when we headed out to start working . Amazingly they were fine before and all day afterwards including for some pretty hard core play with neighbor boys most of the afternoon . Thankfully 5 minutes with ice on the knees solved that problem and make the work seem much less horrible . To be honest it was little bit of cat wrangling to keep everyone on point but we filled out recycling bin that will go out this morning and my little car is packed up ready for a thrift store drop - off . Everyone contributed and let go of some things too . That is a success . Our garage is a little cleaner . Yay ! I may have secretly odios - ed a few 90s clothing items that I didn 't say anything about to the owner . I generally don 't believe in doing this but at some point enough is enough and the emotional attachment to hideous old clothing is tooooo strong . If it 's been in boxes since for over a decade I think we 're done . The comedic highlight of this was when he donned a 90s tee shirt and some of those multi - colored body - builder muscle / workout pants guys wore in the late 80s . To make his point he even wore that outfit around the house for a few hours . Oh my gosh . Kiddo and I laughed so hard . I still can 't stop laughing at the thought . I 've told him I need to make him a quilt from those because he 's obviously very attached ! Scary . I tried to keep the project at two hours but with all the dramatics and cat chasing it lasted more like three hours , but I was happy to shut it all down at a reasonable point . I had to pull everyone off the job and stop the work , which I think was good . I really like stopping BEFORE everyone was exhausted , worn out and cranky . Tomorrow I will try taking some music out with us . I think we 're going to do another day in the garage since we 're all in a groove with it and it still needs a lot of work and we 're kind of on a roll about what needs to happen in there . Wouldn 't it be crazy amazing if we could someday park two cars in there . Wow . It 's so easy as a parent to get caught up in all the things you " need " to teach your child to prepare them for adult life . I have caught myself in the past feeling like we need to be teaching in our home every good thing I see other parents doing . What a folly and too much pressure . I learned to focus on doing what my family needs , not what every other family I know is doing cumulatively . That 's not even possible to do every good thing every other family does , let alone worth stressing over . Now I pray and ask what we need to do and try to listen to inspiration as it comes . Recently I have found myself feeling pressured about all the things we need to teach our kiddo to prepare her to go out in the world as an adult . The time is short , we 've only got 7 1 / 2 years before she 's off to college . Panic . Seriously between school , extra - curriculars , church , friends and much needed down time there aren 't enough hours to teach her all of that to the level I think is needed between now and when she graduates from high school . More parenting stress . I don 't want to send our Kiddo out into the world like some girls I 've heard of who never learned to make a meal or had never turned on a dishwasher before , etc . Agh ! Then I thought back on my own youth and realized how much I learned once I left for college . There are a lot of people to learn from there . I also learned a lot during my time living in Denmark when I was 21 - 22 . There are lots of opportunities to learn the skills of adult life from other people whether that be during high school , college or young adulthood . It 's natural and good because other people may be able to reach her in new and more interesting or inspiring ways that we could . " Finding myself " as a young adult was very often a reflection of experiences I had with people who grew up in different types of homes or environments that I did . It was inspiring and refreshing and often exciting to see how other people did things differently than we did in our home and it gave me a broader perspective to decide who I wanted to be and how I wanted to do things . It was all that exposure to things that were different than I was used to that taught me there were many ways to do things and many reasons to do them outside of what I experienced in the place and way I grew up . That was so educational and satisfying . As I looked back on my own experience and made this realization , it was a huge moment for me to take a deep breath and not feel so pressured that we needed to teach her everything she needs to know about life before she graduates high school . There are still many learning opportunities between parents and children after that time too . Those do not stop at age 18 . Realizing this helped me to step back and chill out . So here 's another unnecessary stress I 'm going to let go of . I 'm trusting in good people she will meet all along her path , I 'm trusting myself to chill out and be a little more natural about this evolutionary process called raising kids , and I 'm trusting her that she will keep making good decisions . I hope she will take opportunities to learn and grow through healthy relationships with others and will take opportunities to see the world through her own eyes , others ' eyes and still hopefully sometimes my eyes too . I 'm also going to trust that no matter where she goes , she will take her relationship with God with her and he will watch over her . I don 't need to do it all . I don 't need to do it perfectly . I just need to do my best . I can keep trying to do that , without feeling overwhelmed or fearful . We can do our best and believe that good will come from it . What a relief . . . . I 've been on the hunt for the perfect trash can for my office for quite a while now . I just haven 't seen anything that I liked that felt like it worked in the space . I have a pretty deep corner desk and under the desk is the only place I can fit a trash can in my office so it needed to be the right dimensions and still feel pretty to me . And I didn 't want to spend a fortune on a trash can that no one but me would really see , or any trash can for that matter . Well okay we did splurge for our kitchen trash can , remember ? And I will say we 've loved it ! For my office , it seemed like a good deal should be easy enough to find but it just took a while . Then I found this great little woven basket at Home Goods and thought it would go perfectly with my office . It was the right width , height , pattern and coloring . It took me less than ten seconds to make a decision and I have not regretted it for one second since . It cost just $ 12 which was a great deal too . The white bright white top and green / gray bottom feel fresh and summery to me and I love the color combination . Trying to decorate my office which is about five shades of boring neutrals , almost no wall space and aged oak cabinets everywhere has been a bit of a challenge . I 'm just not up for painting cabinets right now . We replaced the floors last year from red brick to aged white wood - look vinyl planks . Great for laundry rooms and a small space that takes a lot of abuse . The paint is a gray tan which we painted when we moved it using the leftovers from one of the downstairs bedrooms . The pre - existing countertops are a yellow - tan and the expensive pre - existing blinds are a peachy tan . It 's a whole lot of bland coming all together with one beautiful chandelier and lovely flooring . I 'm not sure what to do with it all . But adding a lovely trash can has to be a good start , right ? It 's my big like for the week , my new Broyhill trash can for my office . It 's the little things that make life 's big likes . Yesterday was The Bug 's birthday and the weather was so nice that in the late afternoon I decided to have part of our family celebrations outside and invite our dear neighbors over for presents , cake and ice cream . Children 's birthdays always feel a little bit overwhelming as parents , covering all the necessary details even if it 's just a family party . There are the gifts , a meal , decorations , cards , wrapping presents , and so many little details that start to feel a little overwhelming . It 's amazing how exhausted you can feel at the end of a child 's birthday . I almost feel like a big birthday last year was about the same amount of work as a family party . . . maybe less since we ordered pizza in for 15 girls ! Around four o ' clock , as I was coming home from grabbing a few last minute groceries and a beautiful cake , I thought it would be more fun if we invited the neighbors , so I sent kiddo over to invite them . Then I started thinking about how nice it would be if we did all that outside . So I started zipping around the house looking for furniture we could take outside to use on the front patio . I was rummaging around the house and then headed out to the garage where I found a nice fold - up rectangle table I forgot we had . Grabbed that , a bunch of chairs from the dining room table since we were using our more formal dining table seating area for dinner . Then I found a pretty tablecloth that I actually bought for a different purpose all together and threw that over the table . Started grabbing candles , flowers , cake candles , matches and took that and all the presents outside . I found a few little flower garlands to hang out there in my stash from last year 's party . Then it was back inside to make dinner . The Bug requested steak , so we did steaks with marinated mushrooms and grilled onions . Earlier in the day I threw some baking potatoes into the slow cooker and I was so glad that got done early , took absolutely no time and didn 't require turning on the oven for over an hour . Then I made Crack Broccoli which we are still eating almost weekly . We 're on a big push for more leafy greens and so this is a great addition to our regular menu of kale / spinach smoothies and spinach salad . Dinner was relaxing and delicious and by the time we got done eating we had about 15 minutes before our neighbors would arrive . We gathered the cake and ice cream , went out and turned on the lights and lit candles . It was fully dark by 7 : 45 when we saw our friends coming through the trees from their yard across the driveway with a flashlight . So fun . Our neighbor Cathy said the patio looked so romantic , which her husband thought sounded odd , but I know just what she meant and was so glad to know that we 'd achieved " magical " and " inviting " with the scene . We opened presents first . Our neighbors were so sweet to bring her a little ornament from their travels . A woodcut with a bear and fish . Her dad and I gave her some piano books , a book on drawing animals - which is a great talent of hers - and then she opened a few bike accessories which was the beginning of a little trick we played on her . We told her that since she 'd been enjoying riding her bike a lot the past few weeks that we thought she would enjoy a few bike accessories . That included a water bottle & cage for it , bike headlight , taillight and lights for spokes , etc . When she had opened them all , her dad said he thought he might have forgotten one of the accessories and he disappeared to go get it . She was fully engrossed in looking at her new books and was not paying attention to where her dad went or what he was doing . When he walked up next to her chair with a shiny new bike , she still wasn 't looking up . As her dad was walking up to her the neighbors were " Oooh " - ing and she looked up and her jaw dropped . She was speechless . She jumped up and threw her arms around her dad and kept saying thank you . She said thank you didn 't seem like enough to really say what she felt . It was a little too dark for an initial ride and we need to adjust the handlebars and seat for her but she walked it around , inspected it , threw her leg over and and got a feel for it for a few minutes . mountain bike that didn 't have girl colors . So she got the very boyish Gauntlet bike in camo and orange - and loved it . No more girly bikes with tassles around here ! We capped the night off with a beautiful cake from Whole Foods . I was going to make a cake and was looking forward to trying out the " make a box cake taste like homemade " and " make a box cake taste like a bakery cake " tips from Pinterest , but when The Man suggested I just go to Whole Foods and get a cake I thought that sounded pretty good . Once I got there though it was hard to choose . I love their Chantilly Cake and it is a perfect spring / summer cake with white cake and berries inside and out . But that is my favorite cake and so associated with my birthday now that I thought I wanted to do something else for The Bug . Chocolate cakes sounded so heavy , carrot cake sounded wintery . So I settled on a cake we hadn 't tried before Strawberry Boston Cream Pie Cake . I knew it was flavors that everyone in our family would enjoy and it felt spring - like and not too rich , dense or heavy . When I told everyone at the table what kind of cake it was everyone reacted with oohs and ahhs so I was glad it seemed like the right choice for all five of us . It was delicious and light and creamy , just as I hoped and it paired so well with french vanilla ice cream too . Even after it was served and eaten The Man had another piece and then cut off another small corner and Kiddo was picking at it . We 'll definitely enjoy the rest over the next couple of days . Popping in for a quick hello . This week had not gone as hoped as far as blogging goes due to a little issue called " our home internet is down and a tech can 't come til Friday . " Sigh . . . so frustrating . Amongst a ton of other things I had to do yesterday I spent the entire day trying to get our internet connection working again . . . as you 'll remember I 'm the tech guru at our house . . . which isn 't saying much ! The outages map below doesn 't engender a lot of confidence in my internet provider . We ran through all the requisite tests . . . " move the modem to another phone jack , unplug it for 10 seconds then plug it back in , hit the reboot button , stand on your head , facing north , hold the modem between your teeth while drinking a glass of water and singing the national anthem ! Now tell me what the lights on the front on your modem look like ? " Every time the DSL light turned solid , ugly red . Finally at 5 p . m . , as I was rushing the third agent to wrap things up before we lost our connection yet again , we nailed it all down , but of course we 're out of internet service all week until they fix it . Then there is the whole clause in the deal that if it 's a problem on our end we have to pay for it but if it 's their service there is no charge . I think it 's their service or their modem . We shall see . And we 'll be asking for a refund off our bill for the days we 're not actually getting service . I keep trying to reboot out modem thinking they 'll find a problem on their end and get it fixed and magically we 'll be back in business but that hasn 't happened yet . Of course this was the week I had planned to do a ton of business online , needed to edit lots of photos . . . just needed to be on my computer a lot and needing the internet . So that 's been a disaster . It 's amazing how much you can 't do without the internet . Having it on the phone is fantastic but it 's not the same and now every minute we 're on the internet in our house via our phones , either using the internet on our phones or hotspotting , we 're eating up data minutes . Ergh . Mucho frustrating . It 's seems like in this day and age you should not have to go without the internet for a week , there should be a faster fix than that . Meanwhile I feel like we 're all being held hostage a bit , unable to do so much . Kiddo is working on a major month - long school project and needs the internet too . We 're all a little frustrated . It also means no netflix , etc . etc . because we don 't want to blow out our phone minutes . The other day I was going through a temporary but frequently repeated experience that I really was not enjoying . Because it was an experience that I have to go through somewhat frequently , the thought came to me , I cannot live the rest of my life like this . I can 't deal with this forever ! When we are in the midst of unpleasant experiences it does feel like they are taking over our entire lives and that we will break to pieces if you have to live like that all the time . But this thought came to me that completely changed how I was feeling and my thinking . I realized that this unpleasant experience never lasts more than two hours often it is only 30 minutes or so . So that 's not nearly my entire life or an entire day . It 's a pretty short time and I get through it every time . On a bad day it 's not even 1 / 12 of my 24 hour day . Then I started thinking about what fills the other 22 - 24 hours of the day that aren 't affected by this situation . I started counting the blessings I do have in those hours and the things I gladly deal with - - that I love and are deeply meaningful . I thought about the day before when I got to spend a leisurely afternoon alone with The Man and how peaceful and relaxing and restorative it was to just be with him , enjoy the outdoors and relax . It was like medicine for my soul ! I CAN deal with that and want more and more of those moments . I thought about the wonderful , sweet , bonding moments I 've had hanging out with The Bug the last week and how nice it is to snuggle up to watch a movie , read books and be still together . . . or to talk lots and laugh and workout together . Sweet , sweet moments , especially when it feels like she is suddenly growing up faster than ever . I CAN deal with more of those moments with her , many , many more . I thought about sipping my favorite hot cocoa and nibbling toast . In a few weeks it 's going to be way too hot to sip cocoa and I will miss the comfort and coziness of those quiet times and needing to warm up . I would gladly take more of that cozy , warm , chocolate - ness . I CAN deal with making the absolute most out of those moments . I thought about how much I am enjoying workouts and hours at the gym and how motivated I am for progress with my fitness and the recovery of my foot . It 's painful , but I 'm enjoying pushing through and reaching for goals . That 's another thing I CAN deal with in my life right now . I have a lot of projects that I 'm working on and am excited about right now . I am deeply interested in them , enjoying progress and I CAN deal with that . Inspiration and motivation to create are such a big part of who I am and what get me really excited . More good things in my life . I am really passionate about getting our back patio furnished for entertaining and family enjoyment this summer . That 's another thing I don 't mind dealing with one bit . Inspiration boards , checking lots of online resources and budgeting out options in my free time is another project I CAN deal with in my life right now and that I am having fun with . So , while in those few moments of misery when I thought I just can 't take this anymore , it struck me that I need to not think in those short periods that the unpleasantness is my entire life ! I realized I have so much more in my life that I CAN take , that I do love and that is wonderful and delicious to my soul . That realization really helped me to turn around my attitude about the small , unpleasant moments of life . They truly are just a bit of time and we do get through them over and over again . But they aren 't our entire life and we don 't have to let them feel like they own our entire life or our happiness . When I started seeing things in this new light , suddenly being in the midst of an unpleasant experience didn 't matter so much because I knew it would end and it would end soon . I saw that I have all those other lovely things to be excited about . Now , the next time I have to endure an unpleasant experience , I hope I 'll be able to remember that it will be just for a short time and it isn 't my entire life . It 's a few minutes of a day with many more minutes still available to enjoy with loved ones and doing things I love . As The Bug has gotten older and much more independent , it 's been a real process to understand what she needs . It 's easier when kids are little . They need to go to the bathroom , they need to eat , they need attention . But when kids get older they start communicating what they need less and it becomes a big learning curve to understand where they are at in life and to connect with them , especially when friends become more important , and grown ups ( especially parents ) seem less interesting to them . We 've been reconnecting with our " not to little " Bug lately and I am realizing in a deeper way how much tweens and teens need time with their parents . If you offer they will come . We have been spending time watching TV series together , working on small projects , taking drives , going to museums and running errands . Friday night we did a tough home workout together and a couple of times since then she 's mentioned how much she enjoyed it . Sometimes we watch separate movies , spend time on own tablets or read our favorite books and magazines but we 're together , curled up on mom and dad 's bed . Even when we 're doing separate things together there are still repeated moments of " love you " and stops for hugs and cuddles . Even though she acts like she doesn 't need us nearly as much as when she was younger , she still does and she loves having our attention and just spending time relaxing or talking together . It makes our home calmer , it makes her calmer . It helps us to act with more patience and wisdom in trying moments . It helps her want to be more sweet , a better listener and more obedient . It helps us all remember how much we love each other and to be gentle and kind with each other . We see the good in each other when we spend quiet time together and I find that many more compliments are passed in our home when we enjoy down time together and work time together . There is more gratitude one for another and we miss each other more when we 're not together even if it 's just for the school day . She is more likely to share part of her day and things that excite her or bug her when we 've spent time together . It provides quiet time to have important conversations , calmly discuss challenges and to encourage and support . I find that it 's very easy to keep myself busy and time can go by very quickly , even just an afternoon . It could be easy to let a day go by without quality time beyond dinner and bedtime . While I try to be very available , especially in the hours after school , I am reaffirming my efforts to make sure we spend quality and quantities of time together . It has brought an added sweetness to our home and I realize it helps all of us get through hard times better and to not let hard things get us down as much when we feel like a team and not alone to tackle life . Spending time with our big kids has a major impact on the decisions they will make in their tween and teen years and I want to keep working on being a connected and loving parent who can help a child make great decisions and find happiness in life . I can definitely see , feel and hear a difference in our home when we spend time together . Big kids need us ! Last Monday night I headed to the neighborhood Dollar Tree store and loaded up on pretty little composition notebooks . They are a great price for just $ 1 for pretty , colorful patterned covers that are often three times that much at other stores . They are my Big Like for this week . I 've been using them over the past few of years for all kinds of projects from business brainstorms , home renovation projects research , dreams and goals , a daily to do list and now I am using them for client projects I am taking on . They are the perfect size and so sturdy , easy to tuck inside a purse , backpack or carry on . I use a file rubber band to hold things inside , so it 's easy to tuck things in as well . Sometimes I glue things inside . They are great for sketching ideas out and I love being able to keep all my thoughts and brainstorming out projects in one place . They would be great for a travel journal for a trip . With some fun washi tape or a glue stick with you , you could tape or glue tickets and photos and fun mementos inside along with a daily record of activities and events - and again they are easy to tuck in a small bag or write in while traveling in small quarters . As I continue to declutter and simplify our home life I am finding some challenging goodbyes necessary . These separations are making for some serious consideration and decision making . I was inspired yesterday by this Instagram post by Clean House With Kids . Tricia says , " . . . best tip for keeping the kids ' room neat ? Get rid of stuff . Keep the things you and the kids really love . " The other day I was looking at a gift given to me by a friend years ago . It is sweet , charming and inspiring in intent , but honestly it is attached to some really bad , stressful memories and every time I look at it , it makes me feel stressed and brings back memories I don 't really want to be reliving every time I look at it . So I decided to give it to the thrift store with a kiss and gratitude to honor the gift from my dear friend . I also have a lucky penny a friend gave me over 10 years ago . I 'm not sure how lucky that penny was or is , but I 'm just not feeling an attachment to it anymore . It feels so attached to the past . Maybe I could spend it on something that makes me happy instead of having it in a little frame in my office . I like that idea and I think it honors the love in which it was given and in which it was received . I found an old gratitude journal that is only half filled . It was a great thing at the time I was using it , a place of peace and comfort , but now when I look at it I feel stressed . Looking through the journal it 's a bit of a history of hard times and things that didn 't work out , embarrassing situations and hopes I had that did not come to fruition . I want to let that go too and I 'm going to . I would never give away a real , historical journal , but this is more wishes and dreams and I am ready to let the ancient past be just that . I have enough embarrassing journals to cover the time period . . . ha . I could cut out the junk pages and continue to use it , but it 's the cover and the pages and the whole book that bothers me so holding on to it out of obligation to use the last of the paper seems odd . Maybe I can cut it out and use it for scratch paper . I use a lot of scratch paper . I also have a rock collection that I 'm wondering about the true value of . They were meaningful to me once upon a time sometimes because of the giver of the rock and other times because of the lessons I learned from studying them , but now I feel like I 'm holding on to them out of some sense of obligation . I think it 's time for them to go . I have so many little trinkets and treasures that meant something once upon a time that now just feel obligatory and I feel guilty getting rid of them and I shouldn 't . I don 't need to keep everything that I 've ever owned or that once meant something to me . It seems that I am entering a place of deeper cleansing both in body and life . Physically I have been feeling much better the past two months than I had for quite a few months before that . I might credit that to continued heeling of my foot , the surgery I had in early February , a change in nutritional supplements and even perhaps an adjustment of my stress levels or letting go of some situations I have no control over . Doing more self - care and taking more time to do things I enjoy since Christmas probably has some impact on that as well . As I progress to a more healthy physical state , I feel a companion drive to have my environment in a better state as well . I realize more and more how far behind my life fell in so many ways while I was " cast - bound " last year and in the still continuing recovery as well as the stress and magnitude of our 2015 move . We are still catching up with all the things that has to be put aside so that we could just get through the days and keep the family functioning . One of the things that we are so suffering from still is feeling and being settled in this house . There is still so much to do to really get it in a place where we will feel like we 're really here , living here and feeling " at home " . One of the things that I am feeling the impact of right now is the deep need to reorient my life to our new home , city , etc . There are things to let go of from our old life and I want to simplify life here so much so that we can just enjoy life rather than always feeling like we 're trying to manage belongings , schedules and work . Saying goodbye to things I don 't really love anymore feels like an important step right now . That crosses over into so many facets . We have so many towels that are in crummy shape but totally still usable . We also have new towels . We don 't need THAT many towels . Some need to go and we need to finally get our bathrooms and cupboards organized in a better way that works for us where everyone knows where to go to find things and where to put things away . For this week I am going to start saying goodbye to things I don 't really need or love anymore . I am ready to do that and ready to have a new , refreshed life , less encumbered with things I don 't love . Hopefully that will catch on with my family and they will feel freed to give up some things too . I think it 's time . This is more of a cautionary tale than anything , lessons I am learning from pulling a talent out from under a bushel . Music has always been a part of my life , but once I left home I decided I was not going to sing in a church choir anymore . I just didn 't like doing it and had done it from 12 - 18 years old . Much like a prison sentence , I felt I 'd paid my debt to choir society and I wanted to be freed from life in choir prison . I continued to sing to the radio , with my family and sometimes with friends but I retired from any real kind of performing unless it was Christmas carols or camp songs . Teaching kiddo to sing and have music in her life was important to me , so in our home music has been a priority , including getting her involved in band this year . Which , I 'll confess has not gone that well - the band part of that . When we moved to Albuquerque people in our new church congregation would hear me sing during the congregational hymns and the pressure started turning on about why I wasn 't in the choir . Then the ward music director asked if I wouldn 't sing in choir if I would be willing to perform with a small group in services sometime . I would rather do that than go to choir every week , even though we have an amazing choir at our church , - - it was a one - time commitment , so I agreed . . . still not really feeling excited about it . So it 's come my time to perform and I 'm singing a bass part which as an alto is a challenge ! We are singing a fairly challenging piece and I am singing in the bass clef which is very hard to do when you are used to singing the top lines of the sheet music . It has not been easy . I realize I have a much harder time reading notes , I 've forgotten the count of some notes and I have forgotten many of the music terms , in Italian of course . Being able to construct the sounds of the notes in my head is a challenge too . My voice muscles are not as fit as they once were , it 's a challenge for me to stay on key to hold long notes , my throat gets tired faster and I just don 't have a lot of vocal stamina . After practicing on my own for an hour and then with the group for an hour last night my throat felt like someone had worked it over with sandpaper and my voice sounded laryngitis - y . Then there is the whole process of knowing all the words and intonations , while at the same time reading the notes in the bass clef , holding them for the right amount of time , breathing in the right places , getting louder and softer at the right times . It 's a LOT to manage , but even more so when you 're rusty at all of it . I definitely feel out of my element with all this at this point in my life , especially since I am performing with professionally trained musicians . Ack ! Thankfully , at home we have a professional size keyboard we bought second hand a few years ago that I can use to practice . Thankfully I can still read and find the notes on the keyboard . Thankfully it 's coming back little by little . But boy do I have a lot of practicing to do before Sunday . Facing this challenge has gotten me more in the musical groove and I think I would like to stay a little more fit and familiar in the music realm . I should play the piano a little bit now and then as well and finally commit to learn to play my ukulele well . I actually enjoy doing all these things when I can do them on my own terms . I need to start thinking about my talents and ensuring that there aren 't others rusting away under a bushel as well . There are definitely some you can pick up and put down more easily than others . But it 's true you 'll lose them if you don 't use them enough . This experience is a good reminder for me even though it 's a little painful . It got me thinking about how I use my time and what I 'm giving time and attention to that I don 't want to be . It 's a constant battle not to let things creep into our lives that just pile up , muddy it up , make us tired and cause us grief . I find it 's a constant battle just to keep it all at bay and try to find some sense of simplicity in life . Moving into a house has definitely added to that and I find myself frequently missing living in a small apartment . Definitely the old grass is always greener because all a person wants when they are living in a small apartment is a house with a yard . Ha . In a house , there is more to clean , more upkeep , a yard to care for and more stuff in the house itself . It gets a little overwhelming and I think it takes some careful consideration to figure out what you can manage without losing your mind , when you 'll need help and how plus what that will cost in time and resources . One of the things I read in the post that struck me was the question " Are we busy or are we focused ? " Busy for busy 's sake still amazingly something humans tend to brag about . How often do we say or hear " Oh I 'm so busy ! " or " You know how busy life gets . " I like the contrast between busy and focused . I would rather be focused and make the best use of my time and not feel dizzy with busy . I recently talked with a good friend who is working on a new business . She said she is focusing two hours every day while her kids are at school to her business , 10 a . m . - noon . I like that realistic acknowledgement that this is the time she can give it and that she 's just going to be diligent in giving it that time . I was inspired . If you 're giving any effort energy and every day , then every day you are moving things forward and you are gaining momentum and the benefits of consistency . I am trying to figure out how to better manage that but it is not easy . So often it feels like my priorities have to take a back seat to everyone else 's priorities and I don 't think that 's right . But there are days when you just have to focus on keeping the family alive and afloat . I think this week I am going to write my priorities in big letters and post it on my desk . Then make sure my time is fitting into one of those priorities with focus from the top down . I want to be focused rather than busy . Then I want to cut back on how I 'm spending my time and create more open space in my days . It 's time to do some spring cleaning of my life and cut out the things that aren 't critical . I did that with my socks , underwear and makeup drawers earlier this year . I 've been doing the same with our family room . I 'm feeling like it 's time to Spring Clean my life and cut away some of the unnecessary items and build in lots more time for things I really want to be doing . Some things I 'd like to be doing more of are meeting up with friends , business networking , reading the few but beautiful magazines that come in the mail that seem to pile up a bit . I 'd like to spend more time studying things I 'm interested in and doing more meditation and yoga . I want to put more time towards meal planning and healthy eating , time outside and exercise . I 'd like to take more outings to new neighborhoods and things I haven 't seen here in the city . I would like to spend time working on the creative projects I have waiting for me like stripping down two old benches and making my planter I was supposed to make last summer . I 'm sneaking all these kinds of things in but not to the extend that they are completely regular habits and must haves for me . Here 's where it gets tricky . What would I like to be doing less of . . . well it doesn 't feel like any of those things are things I can actually do less of . I 'd like to be doing fewer dishes but we still have to eat and I do get help with that , but it seems like I 'm always the last one in the kitchen washing down the counters . I 'd like to spend less time cleaning house but it feels never ending and never feels finished - and that is with help . I 'd like to spend less time feeling like we have so much to do on the house and less time trying to do it . I don 't know what else I can let go of right now . There have to be things I 'm not thinking of . I 'm going to ponder that . Maybe what I could do better is think about how I use the free time that I do have . So often I feel like I fritter it away instead of doing something I really wanted to do . For instance I might sit down and watch a movie with that family that I 'm not really interested in . I could still do that but maybe do something I want to do while I 'm watching . Part of the challenge for women as well I think is that we 're just too doggone tired by the time we do have any free time . Who has the energy ? It 's a big of a losing battle when one realizes that the older we get the less energy we seem to have or the more quickly we get tired . What I would give to be able to put some of the energy of my youth to good use now ! I think more routine and organization would help to . I 'm big on these things but the rest of my clan is somewhat resistant . It 's a battle for me to figure out how much it 's worth fighting it and how much is absolutely necessary to teach skills and enforce order in the home . I think there is a little too much flexibility and movement in this area of our life right now . It would be better to have more structure . More focus . What things would you like to get rid of in your life or could you realistically cut back on ? How do you manage your time so that you feel fulfilled and happy with your own priorities while meeting the rest of the needs in your life whether it 's work , family , etc ? I 'd love to hear your thoughts ! It 's post number two in a new series I 'm calling " Big Likes " . This new theme is all about things I 'm really loving right now . Last week I shared my favorite cocoa mix along with recipe secrets for the all - time best cocoa which I learned from my grandmother . Today I 'm sharing something that pairs quite nicely with the cocoa , tea or any breakfast really . My mom makes fantastic jams and jellies and any time I 'm visiting and can take a few bottles she makes sure I pack a few in my luggage . If I 'm driving home I often get a small box of all kinds of goodies from her house . At Christmas she is so kind to send a box of holiday treats , including cookies and other holiday treats , a loaf of homemade bread and jars of jams and jellies . This year we devoured her holiday mailing pretty quickly and I will say I was a little stingy to share . I think we only have one jar of grape jelly left , which I may be putting off opening just because it 's the last one . So in lieu of my mom 's apricot jam I wanted to find something similar and picked up a jar of Apricot Preserves at Trader Joe 's last week . I wasn 't expecting it to be more like an Apricot Butter , very smooth and creamy . I thought it might be more chunky and chutney - like . But most importantly , I found that it 's tasty and has a great flavor . I 've been enjoying it on toaster waffles or toast in the mornings . It 's not too sweet and just the right touch of added flavor . I like that its reduced sugar too ! Plus the high quality fruit spreads at Trader Joe 's are priced equivalent to the junk jams at other stores but have the high quality of much more expensive , designer versions . It 's nice to have a selection of two or three different fruit spreads in the fridge and we go through it fast enough that we don 't end up with an entire section of jams and jellies . I 'm happy to add this one to our rotation . It 's a great substitute when you can 't have Mom 's homemade ! It 's a Big Like . We are going to be traveling again shortly and I am reminded about something I am continually grateful for . We have a kiddo who has been able to pack her own suitcase since she was four or five years old . Amazing and such a relief when you are rushing to get ready for a trip ! A few years ago I created a little picture chart for her to use to be able to pack her own bags . Since then she 's become quite a pro and is usually all ready to go long before her dad and I are . Over the years we have traveled a lot on short notice and we have lived in two locations with a lot of shuttling back and forth so The Bug has had a lot of practice packing and it has been a big help for her to be able to be so independent . Does she occasionally forget something , yes , but we all do no matter how old we are , right ? As my travel guru Rick Steves always says , there 's usually a store where you can buy what you need when you get there if you have to . The way my chart worked was that I basically created a standard packing list of how many of each item she would need for most trips and put a picture with each one , since she couldn 't even read yet when I first made this chart . If there were three shirts , she needed to pack 3 shirts and if there were two pants she needed to pack two pants . This worked very well ! Later I started just writing in a number next to the pictures if it was different than what was on the chart , based on the length of our trip and specific needs . That worked well too . So before she was old enough to read she could get together her clothing and set it all out so that we could go through it and check her bag to make sure she had everything and then just pop it all in the suitcase or backpack at the end . I still remember one trip we took where we only had about an hour 's notice that we were leaving for the airport and she was ready in less than 30 minutes . I think she was seven . She 's a good traveler . Having a good rolling suitcase that she can manage and a backpack she can pack her travel necessities in ( blanket , pillow , snacks , drink , books , iPad , etc . ) in has made life so much easier . Since she was tiny she 's carried her own backpack which has grown in size a bit as she has . Suitcase checks in for the flight , backpack carries us through the flight on the plane . I always packed diapers or extra underwear and extra clothing in her backpack in case of emergencies too . For little kids I like to pack quite a few small toys and perhaps even a few little fun surprises to keep them entertained on the flight . For little kids , I factor in that about every 15 - 30 minutes on the plane they may get bored , so I bring enough things to keep then interested in something new every few minutes for the duration of the flight . For longer flights you can even rotate through what you brought twice throughout the hours . I find this philosophy works well for church as well . I 've come to realize that the kids who are usually running unruly all through church or on the plane are the kids who don 't have anything else to entertain them . If there is lots to do right there with mom and dad they will stay there and stay engaged . Worked like a charm for us for years and I continue to employ that tactic with other kids I cross paths with as well . I usually still carry a bag with a few toys in it to church just in case and it 's amazing how often they get used . Now that Bug is older , almost 11 , I 'm not so concerned about entertaining her on the flight . That is really her responsibility now and I assume she 'll have a laptop to watch something online if she wants and a book or magazine to read as well . That should do it , thankfully . No more packing stuffed animals , toys and all that jazz . But I still want to make sure she has a sweater or jacket for the plane , something soft to lay her head on if needed . A thin , down puffy jacket works well as both a jacket or pillow on the flight and and is nice to have for cool mornings and evenings . I still usually always bring a pashmina with me for the flight as well , which also works as a blanket , scarf or pillow in a crunch . They fold up easily in a corner of a backpack . They often get used by other family members who turn up a little empty handed for pillows or jackets . I have a good backpack too that I 've been depending on for travel for quite a few years now . It has been a godsend for the amount of traveling I 've done over the past few years . Everything I carry on has a place and so every trip I know where I 'm going to store things and where to find them when I arrive . Having a system down makes things faster when you are packing , decreases the likelihood you 'll forget something as you go through each section and think about what needs to go in there and you always know where to find things . Here 's another post about how I keep a toiletries bag especially for travel that is always ready to grab and walk out the door with . It 's been a staple for my trips for almost 20 years now . Here 's a post about using packing cubes for clothing . I 've also been doing this for almost 20 years as well and I like how easy it is to keep everything orderly and organized . It also makes it very easy to have your bags searched if that happens . Having four cubes in your suitcase , one toiletries bag and a couple of shoe bags keeps things looking great and functioning well ! And lastly , this is my favorite travel bag for trips when I know I 'll be out and about for long days and doing a lot of walking and wandering . It works as a fairly small over - the - shoulder bag and if needed expands to hold shopping purchases , a lunch or a jacket . I 've had this bag for 20 years , it 's still in pretty much like new condition except for a little fading . But you would never know it 's 20 years old and they still sell the same bag now . Copyright © kalanicut 2009 - 2017 . All content is original unless otherwise cited . Please do not use original content ( text or photos ) without permission or without noting its origins on your blog , website or other documents .

For the cost and extended life we 're saving a ton not buying plastic kitchen clips . You can find them in all sorts of fun colors and sizes tailored just to your needs and preferences and buy them in varying lot sizes so you get just what you need or a few years supply for not much more than that . I also use them sometimes to hold together small art projects I am working on . They work great as clamps while gluing things together or to hold things together while you make adjustments so that everything is evenly spaced . You can also loop one over a magnet hook to organize papers on a fridge or magnet board . You can even use them to clip and display art . They can be great for holding open coloring book pages that might frustrate children to keep flat . I 've used one for a bookmark before too . We keep a few in the car too and we seem to find uses for them all the time . You can use them to clip a blanket up over a window if the sun is blazing down on sleeping kiddos ( keeping in mind driver visibility issues of course ! ) You could clip needed items to the visors or use them to clip a blanket around a kiddo to keep them covered and warm in the car . ( Use your creativity here there are a few ways I can see this working . ) They would probably be a great addition to a 72 - hour kit in a variety of sizes . You could use them to create a shelter if you had some rope and a tarp or to create a water catcher by clipping up the edges of a jacket or tarp or plastic bag . You could use them to create a temporary outdoor shower with some fabric or tarp . So along with the clips , you should definitely get a tarp it sounds like ! Ha . You could also use them to construct a survival oven if you had some foil or something metal . You can also use them to hold a spoon on the side of a pot by clipping one to the edge and sliding the spoon handle through the clip prongs . They could also be useful in a myriad of ways in the garden . Last year when I was in that dumb cast I missed out on enjoying all the lilacs we have in our yard . To get to them I would 've either had to hop down a crazy , loose dirt path or climbed down some steep and unven natural boulder stairs to get to them and that just was not possible . So today was my day to walk happily on two working feet down to the lilac bushes to cut a big box full of blooms to bring into the house . I was reminded that lilacs are pretty messy but I thought to myself some of the greatest joys in life bring messes with them . You can 't have the sweet scent of fresh flowers without a bit of a mess when they crumble . I 'll clean it up when it 's time . Meanwhile I have a vase of blooms on the kitchen windowsill , on my desk , on our dining table , the foyer table and in our powder room . There are still tons of blooms to come so I hope I 'll make time to go out and retrieve more as these die and new blooms come on the bushes . We had some good rain this week but our backyard is not looking so hot . Needs some attention . Of course I 'm thinking there are snakes just waiting to jump out at me from behind every rock . Agh . I think I need some study leather cowboy / work boots to protect my ankles . We have had a very odd year with our forsythia bush in the back yard . It should bloom tons of bright yellow flowers in February or early March and then leaf out for the summer . Our front bush did bloom but our back bush only didn 't . It got about five blooms on it just about the time it started to leaf . Last year is was full , vibrant and flowered early in the Spring . Not sure what 's going on with the back yard , but it needs some love . I also need to brush up on taking care of some of these plants I 'm not that familiar with . I 'd also like to get rid of a few weedy - looking things that are meant to be there but just look ugly . We also have a far back patch of dirt that could / should be grass of something . This house was empty for a while and before that lived in by older people who just let the yard go pretty much . Yards are a lot of work . I did well to keep up with a little garden patio in our last house . I am itching to get some planters going with sweet peas , herbs and tomatoes . Having a fresh herb garden is just the best . My family has been so spoiled to have fresh tomatoes the past few years that they can 't stand grocery store tomatoes - and they both love tomatoes . Hopefully this year I 'll buy some better plants and we 'll get a little bit bigger harvest . I should grow some peppers and chiles if I can too . We need to plant a bunch of mint in pots around the yard to ward off bugs , especially ants and mosquitos - although we don 't get too many mosquitos here . I also read that there are herbs to help ward off fleas . Last year we had a couple of weeks of pure misery with fleas . They didn 't bother the dog at all because he was medically protected but we humans took the brunt of it . I 've never dealt with fleas before but it was awful and we don 't want to experience that again this year ! Gardening is so much fun . We certainly have the space but the upkeep is a lot of work , although the rewards are delicious . We still have about two weeks until recommended planting season - after the last frost traditionally . After being able to garden year round in California this waiting to plant business makes me antsy . I 'm going to start preparing my gardening beds and pots now and then in a couple of weeks I can just start popping in seeds and plant starts . I think I 'll start planting some seedlings this weekend and that 'll give me a couple of weeks head start on planting outside . Fun stuff ! Are you planting anything this year ? If so , what are you most excited about growing . We had a few leftover burgers in the fridge last week that I decided they would make a good dinner on Thursday . But we were short on a lot of things we often eat with burgers . We didn 't have a wide assortment of fresh veggies and fruit which I usually serve with burger meals . We had a few carrots and just a little lettuce and no tomatoes for the burgers . So I was looking for something different I could whip up to round out the meal . Now it seems like often I do something to screw up these Pin Test recipes so I can 't always say it was the recipe . This time , Kiddo made the sweet potato fries and I 'm not totally sure what happened but they got a little too much cayenne in them , so no one ate them . I think we need to try this recipe again with a little more adult supervision . The Man loves a good sweet potato fry so we 'll definitely try this one again soon and I 'll try to gauge the cayenne situation a little better . The crispy baked garlic fries were good . I would say I need to work on my cooking methods for both . I think maybe I overcooked them . While they weren 't photo - worthy they did taste good ! I think these could 've used a little more oil on the pan because they stuck to the pan . I think I need to work on my garlic tossing of these when they are done too . But they were yummy and every one of them got eaten up . The Man had two servings and Kiddo and I split the rest . Despite my failing in the artistic creation , they were yummy and we 'll try them again soon . It 's very challenging to make a recipe for the first time and try to figure out all the subtle and not so subtle nuances . Both these recipes have made it into my personal cookbook and I 'll pull them out and try them again soon . I recommend them both , you might just want to be judicious about cayenne in the sweet potato recipe . I 'm not sure what happened there , I guess I 'll have a better idea as we continue to experiment with these . It 's been rainy and cool here in the desert . It feels like northern Europe , which I love a little dose of . It 's been more drizzly than rainy and I have so many memories of days like this in England and Scandinavia . I good scarf around the neck and good rain jacket layered over something warm seem to be just the ticket on days like this . It 's nice to have a little break from the usual desert weather . I need to drink tea , sit by a window and read a book or something to celebrate it . If I were in northern Europe I 'd ride my bike somewhere cozy or light some candles . Ooh , it is a perfect cozy day . . . this is where Hygge comes in . . . you know that Danish lifestyle trend that suddenly everyone is talking about . I met Hygge in 1988 and she 's been a friend these long years . Candles , tea , good company . Done . Last month when I took down the Valentine 's decorations from our dining room windows , Kiddo asked me not to take down our sparkly , glittery , big silver snowflakes yet . Since it was still winter I obliged . But now that it 's quite warm outside it seemed high time to put up something new . We have an Easter garland up and we continually keep up a garland of pinecones from our yard and a string of twinkle lights then I 've just been rotating in and out the seasonal garlands . Here is a little before photo . This is one of the best spaces in our home and it is so hard to photograph . I frequently want to share it or capture it in photos and I have yet to get a photo of the dining room windows that I really like . The backlighting is a challenge . The snowflakes hang independently from the ceiling from five clips across that window space . I like them because they can last us from post - Halloween right through to Spring . I wanted to come up with something to hang from those clips that might carry us from spring through summer and then I remembered the paper butterflies I made a few years ago . Here 's a link to that post , which was Pin Test # 13 . The link to the original tutorial I based those butterflies off us no longer works and it seems that the website no longer exists . So I found a similar tutorial that can be found here . In the original tutorial they used brightly colored magazine pages , which is what I used the first time I made these . In the tutorial I am linking to now it 's more structured towards a kids craft so they use tissue paper and pipe cleaners . I think you really can upscale or downscale these as much as you want . I photographed these outside hanging from a favorite tree as I might for a party so that the light would be better . I do love having a few decorations blowing in the breeze for a party , big or small . If I could do one thing differently I think I would made the bottom half of the butterflies smaller . I started with a 12x12 square for the top and then cut down the bottoms to 10x10 . Looking back at the others I had made before I like that the bottoms are smaller in scale than the ones I made this week . Maybe they would be better if I went 8x8 or 9x9 . Whipping these up didn 't take much time at all . I easily whipped up six in about 30 minutes . I stapled each folded section in the middle to hold it together and then bound the top half and bottom half of the body together with white and silver cord , leaving enough to tie them to the ceiling and have them hang down to similar lengths as our snowflakes , not too far above our garlands . So now we 'll have some pretty butterflies fluttering around our dining room instead of sparkly snowflakes . These butterflies would make great party decorations for a baby shower or girl 's birthday party and would be really sweet hanging from tree branches for a garden party . Depending on the kind of paper you use these are one - sided or two - sided . Because I used one - sided scrapbook paper mine are only pretty from the front but no one really sees them from the back in that window . If I was going to hang them where they would be twirling more or blowing in the breeze I would probably use tissue paper , two - sided scrapbook paper - something that looks pretty from all sides . These are a fun craft to do with kids too and using pipe cleaners is an easy way to get butterfly antennae too . Making them from giant sheets of newspaper or butcher paper could be really interesting . Or you could create simple painted sheets of paper , any size with paints or watercolors and then make butterflies from them . There are so many ways to make these that using a little creativity they can be personalized in size , color , shape and materials . If you try these , let me know . I 'd love to see a photo and hear how you made them your own ! Even though we didn 't hit all five days last week with home organization projects I 'm going to say it was a big success for a few reasons . First it got a lot of reorganization done . Second and probably more important it got some big home fixing up momentum going again . It was great to see progress made and every one of us got into it . Good stuff ! This is one of the corners we tidied last week , heading out to our garage on the left . The doors on the right are the new " mud room closet " for school backpack and other items that seem to get tossed on the family room floor or sofa right inside the entry door from school . Now to instill the discipline for the items to get put away every day . That may be tougher than the actual clean up ! I am trying to hold back from going too " minimalist " on the family but in the last week have put on the minimalist movie on Netflix and put up this quote temporarily ( maybe - HA ! ) . The Man doesn 't like motivational quotes on walls , He calls them " - ISMs " . Clearly he has no idea what 's going on in the world of home decor and signage right now because I seriously only have this hanging in the entire house right now . He has no idea how sign crazy his life could be with other women . Ha . He needs to spend some time on Instagram so he can appreciate my restraint . Haha . But I do feel some responsibility to help our family see that less is more , everything needs to have a place and that we don 't need a lot to be happy . I have to regularly remind myself of that too and I am pretty minimalist already . This all plays into having gratitude , living frugally , making good financial decisions , managing our emotions , our recognition of wants vs . needs and so much more . It really is important to our overall well - being . I 'm going to keep trying to schedule in at least one of two projects each week to keep this momentum going . Even if we do 30 minutes on a weeknight once a week and an hour on Saturdays we will still make a lot of progress . I 'm convinced that the more we work , the more efficiently we 'll work as we go forward so we can get more done , more quickly . I think that will come along in part because along the way we 're making final decisions about where things will be stored and what is of value and necessary to keep . As we continue to make these decisions it gets easier and faster to make them . I also think it really helps that we 've lived in the house for a little over a year now so we understand out patterns , habits and what entryways we use most often , where we like to keep things handy , etc . I 've never really done this in a house before now but I really think it is wise to continually re - evaluate how you are using your space and what works best for your family . Things change over time , we learn that some things don 't work as well as we thought they might and our families living in our homes change too . What worked well for babies might now work well for the grade school era , what works for grade school might benefit from changes made for middle school years and so on . I think we 're all seeing enough progress to see some light at the end of the tunnel . We 'll get settled into this house yet ! Yay ! I hope along the way we 're gaining some new skills in working together as a family , learning to live with less , the best ways to organize a home for our needs , appreciating what we have , what we don 't need to be happy and other lessons we may not even recognize yet that will be valuable to all of us going forward and will also make our home even better in a variety of ways . This is exciting to think about . It makes me want to jump up and start a little project right now . File size rubber bands are my Big Like for this week . So simple and yet they serve me in so many wonderful ways . You can buy them in a bag in the most lovely colors at an office supply store . I keep a jar of them in my office and use them weekly . They are one of those little things you never knew how much you needed until you started using them . I like to keep one around my spiral bound journal which I often carry around with me . It helps keep the cover and pages in good shape even though I get a little rough and careless with the notebook sometimes . I also use them on my composition notebooks to hold all the things I tuck inside them together . I also use them on food bags like nuts and chocolate chips . They help keep things fresh and keep the pantry from unnecessary messes and spills . And with the bright pretty colors they always look festive . I love having a small stash on hand so I can easily grab one when needed . There is nothing worse than searching the house for a clip , rubber band , stapler , scissors - - all those little office supplies that come in so handy . Love some File Rubber Bands ! I woke up yesterday morning ready to start our next Spring Break organization project and soon found myself quite frustrated . As I was making our bed I started tidying up the room and while I was putting away a half unpacked suitcase that has been sitting next to my bed for two weeks I got really mad at myself . You can 't have organization if you don 't take the few seconds or minutes it takes to put things away after you use them . I put everything from the suitcase up on the freshly made bed and started putting things away two by two , one item for each hand . It took me only about three minutes to get that suitcase cleaned out and put away and I felt so mad at myself for letting that go for so long . Life is so much easier when everything has a place and is put back into place after it is used . I 've let that slip , my family is terrible about that and it just hit a breaking point with me yesterday . Next I quickly cleaned up my bedside table which had gathered an assortment of essential oils , lotions , pens and hairbands and put all that away in the drawer not more than one foot away where all those things have a place . Then I cleaned off my dresser which had gathered an assortment of small recently laundered items that needed to be put away , shopping receipts and dust . This all took me less than 10 minutes to do and that made me even more annoyed that I wasn 't doing a better job keeping it tidy . It 's amazing how much lack of organization can wear on a soul , how cranky one feels to be around it and how the solution can be so simple . " A place for everything and everything in it 's place " is a motto to live by ! I have lived like that in the past and , as I have many times , I credit a dear friend for teaching me this . I was already part of the way there but when I saw her system it changed my life and made my life so much easier and organized . Then I went and got a family and things started eroding . I had the luxury of living alone for long enough to really settle into that motto and I knew where my things were . Everything had a home , I lived with only what I needed and I could easily put things away and find things . That is not nearly as easy when you are dealing with a family 's worth of stuff , have people moving things around , not putting things away and just a ton more stuff . Compound that by the fact that you married someone who finds sentimentality ( like tee shirts from high school , 90s jeans , Sunday comics ) and " I might need this in the future for something " ( like bits of 550 cord and advertisements for things he might need in five years ) to be constants . Keeping a house tidy all the time with a family is a big challenge . Just upkeeping the kitchen throughout the day is challenging enough , let alone other main living spaces like living rooms , family rooms and bathrooms . Don 't even get started on attics , yards and garages . Then there are jobs , church and civic work , family activities , needs for quiet time and attention to family members , doctors appointments , groceries to buy . . . it seems to never end . I admire a family who can keep that all organized and together . And then I wonder sometimes at what cost that comes . Do we make our families completely miserable and make them feel unwelcome in their own homes because of our obsession with tidiness and order . Do we just become constant " cleaning police " and lose ourselves in cleaning hypervigilance . Some women just wear themselves out trying to do it all by themselves at the sacrifice of their own mental and physical health . I know that is the pendulum swinging the completely opposite direction but I do think that with each family it is different . Perhaps my situation is a bit unique because I gained a family instead of starting a marriage with one spouse and not much stuff . We already had two full lives of belongings and started with a young child . Some habits at midlife are pretty hard to change . I don 't know exactly what the solution is but it looks like I 'm either going to find it or bounce around somewhere near the solution or make myself crazy trying to find it . Ha ! How do you manage this and stay in your sane zone ? What have you learned to let go of and what have you enforced that helped make your life less crazy and more organized ? I 'd love to hear your insights ! When we first closed on our house about 18 months ago we were hard charging to get things done . We ripped out the pond / planter in the kitchen and got the floors replaced , painted the walls , hung a chandelier and replaced the flooring in the office / laundry room , painted the downstairs bedrooms , replaced all the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones . . . and then the holidays came and the week after that my foot accident . Screech went the brakes . Then we moved into the house because is was so much easier for me to maneuver around in on crutches . And then we went into survival mode until summer while I hobbled , worked full time and we found ourselves incredibly busy . Now here we are months later and this house has just never gotten organized like it should have with a proper move in . It 's just been survival mode and disorganized and I can 't take it . Now unfortunately the rest of the family has developed some bad habits about not putting things away and things not having a proper home and it 's going to be crazy hard to create new habits now . But it has to be done for everyone 's sanity , most importantly mine . So not only do we need to reorganize the entire house but we really need everyone to commit to keeping it that way . This is going to be a real challenge . So I came up with a plan for Spring Break week where we 'll do a project in the morning and then we 'll go have fun in the afternoon . This way there is some earning and ownership of work in the mornings and then we have something to look forward to and relax doing in the afternoon . Hopefully I 'll get buy in from the family . I called a Family Meeting on Friday night to have a conversation about how things got to where they are , what we can and need to do and how we can accomplish this during our Spring Break week . Hopefully this is going to get everyone on board for the duration of the week . I was really committed to starting at the front door and working our way through the house but the more I think about it the more I think we need go start in the garage and work our way through the house from that direction instead . That way we 'll have available storage for things we need to move out of the house in the garage . The Man has been working out there from time to time going through boxes and such and I have a feeling there are a ton of half empty or empty boxes that we just need to get out of there or finish cleaning out . I think we are all ready to get rid of more stuff . I anticipate we 'll have a big load for the thrift store this week . It will be great to get the garage in better shape and then move on to the house . I am learning that at times things are much easier to accomplish than expected and sometimes they are much harder . I 'm not sure which the garage will be but fingers crossed things are in better shape out there than any of us expect and we 'll be able to make some big progress quickly . We need space in the garage for all the home improvement tools and products that are now set up in our family room . It was great when we were working on the house daily in the winter , but I don 't think we need it in the house anymore . It could all be arranged nicely in the garage and we need to reclaim that space in the family room desperately . The Man continues to complain that there is no storage in this house , but in reality we just aren 't using any of it to its proper use . We actually have a lot of space it 's just not being used well . This may sound a little crazy , but I smudged our house with white sage and lavender and gave the house a prayer / blessing . I thought I would hate the smell of the smoke in the house but I didn 't mind it at all and it didn 't linger or bother anyone else . In fact the family seemed to like It . Ideally you smudge after you 've decluttered but I think we needed a little energy burst to get us going again and then I 'll do it again sometime soon . I do feel like the house needs a energy cleansing and fresh start . Whatever it takes . Especially after our neighbor made the mistake of telling The Man that both the previous homeowners died in this house . Fresh start , clean energy for them and for us . I bought the sage a few weeks ago and it had just been sitting on the counter until I studied up and decided to try it . I asked the family if they felt the energy in the house was a little lighter and we all felt it was a strong " maybe . " We 'll see what happens . Anyway I digress . So the plan is the cleanse the house in body and soul and have some fun this week adventuring around to more local museums and attractions . Hopefully by the end of Spring Break we 'll have a very happily organized house and we 'll have had a lot of good adventures too . Fingers crossed ! * Late - breaking update . Okay so our first day of Spring Break went pretty well , despite some crying and me telling a little person I needed to take her to the ER if her legs suddenly weren 't working when we headed out to start working . Amazingly they were fine before and all day afterwards including for some pretty hard core play with neighbor boys most of the afternoon . Thankfully 5 minutes with ice on the knees solved that problem and make the work seem much less horrible . To be honest it was little bit of cat wrangling to keep everyone on point but we filled out recycling bin that will go out this morning and my little car is packed up ready for a thrift store drop - off . Everyone contributed and let go of some things too . That is a success . Our garage is a little cleaner . Yay ! I may have secretly odios - ed a few 90s clothing items that I didn 't say anything about to the owner . I generally don 't believe in doing this but at some point enough is enough and the emotional attachment to hideous old clothing is tooooo strong . If it 's been in boxes since for over a decade I think we 're done . The comedic highlight of this was when he donned a 90s tee shirt and some of those multi - colored body - builder muscle / workout pants guys wore in the late 80s . To make his point he even wore that outfit around the house for a few hours . Oh my gosh . Kiddo and I laughed so hard . I still can 't stop laughing at the thought . I 've told him I need to make him a quilt from those because he 's obviously very attached ! Scary . I tried to keep the project at two hours but with all the dramatics and cat chasing it lasted more like three hours , but I was happy to shut it all down at a reasonable point . I had to pull everyone off the job and stop the work , which I think was good . I really like stopping BEFORE everyone was exhausted , worn out and cranky . Tomorrow I will try taking some music out with us . I think we 're going to do another day in the garage since we 're all in a groove with it and it still needs a lot of work and we 're kind of on a roll about what needs to happen in there . Wouldn 't it be crazy amazing if we could someday park two cars in there . Wow . It 's so easy as a parent to get caught up in all the things you " need " to teach your child to prepare them for adult life . I have caught myself in the past feeling like we need to be teaching in our home every good thing I see other parents doing . What a folly and too much pressure . I learned to focus on doing what my family needs , not what every other family I know is doing cumulatively . That 's not even possible to do every good thing every other family does , let alone worth stressing over . Now I pray and ask what we need to do and try to listen to inspiration as it comes . Recently I have found myself feeling pressured about all the things we need to teach our kiddo to prepare her to go out in the world as an adult . The time is short , we 've only got 7 1 / 2 years before she 's off to college . Panic . Seriously between school , extra - curriculars , church , friends and much needed down time there aren 't enough hours to teach her all of that to the level I think is needed between now and when she graduates from high school . More parenting stress . I don 't want to send our Kiddo out into the world like some girls I 've heard of who never learned to make a meal or had never turned on a dishwasher before , etc . Agh ! Then I thought back on my own youth and realized how much I learned once I left for college . There are a lot of people to learn from there . I also learned a lot during my time living in Denmark when I was 21 - 22 . There are lots of opportunities to learn the skills of adult life from other people whether that be during high school , college or young adulthood . It 's natural and good because other people may be able to reach her in new and more interesting or inspiring ways that we could . " Finding myself " as a young adult was very often a reflection of experiences I had with people who grew up in different types of homes or environments that I did . It was inspiring and refreshing and often exciting to see how other people did things differently than we did in our home and it gave me a broader perspective to decide who I wanted to be and how I wanted to do things . It was all that exposure to things that were different than I was used to that taught me there were many ways to do things and many reasons to do them outside of what I experienced in the place and way I grew up . That was so educational and satisfying . As I looked back on my own experience and made this realization , it was a huge moment for me to take a deep breath and not feel so pressured that we needed to teach her everything she needs to know about life before she graduates high school . There are still many learning opportunities between parents and children after that time too . Those do not stop at age 18 . Realizing this helped me to step back and chill out . So here 's another unnecessary stress I 'm going to let go of . I 'm trusting in good people she will meet all along her path , I 'm trusting myself to chill out and be a little more natural about this evolutionary process called raising kids , and I 'm trusting her that she will keep making good decisions . I hope she will take opportunities to learn and grow through healthy relationships with others and will take opportunities to see the world through her own eyes , others ' eyes and still hopefully sometimes my eyes too . I 'm also going to trust that no matter where she goes , she will take her relationship with God with her and he will watch over her . I don 't need to do it all . I don 't need to do it perfectly . I just need to do my best . I can keep trying to do that , without feeling overwhelmed or fearful . We can do our best and believe that good will come from it . What a relief . . . . I 've been on the hunt for the perfect trash can for my office for quite a while now . I just haven 't seen anything that I liked that felt like it worked in the space . I have a pretty deep corner desk and under the desk is the only place I can fit a trash can in my office so it needed to be the right dimensions and still feel pretty to me . And I didn 't want to spend a fortune on a trash can that no one but me would really see , or any trash can for that matter . Well okay we did splurge for our kitchen trash can , remember ? And I will say we 've loved it ! For my office , it seemed like a good deal should be easy enough to find but it just took a while . Then I found this great little woven basket at Home Goods and thought it would go perfectly with my office . It was the right width , height , pattern and coloring . It took me less than ten seconds to make a decision and I have not regretted it for one second since . It cost just $ 12 which was a great deal too . The white bright white top and green / gray bottom feel fresh and summery to me and I love the color combination . Trying to decorate my office which is about five shades of boring neutrals , almost no wall space and aged oak cabinets everywhere has been a bit of a challenge . I 'm just not up for painting cabinets right now . We replaced the floors last year from red brick to aged white wood - look vinyl planks . Great for laundry rooms and a small space that takes a lot of abuse . The paint is a gray tan which we painted when we moved it using the leftovers from one of the downstairs bedrooms . The pre - existing countertops are a yellow - tan and the expensive pre - existing blinds are a peachy tan . It 's a whole lot of bland coming all together with one beautiful chandelier and lovely flooring . I 'm not sure what to do with it all . But adding a lovely trash can has to be a good start , right ? It 's my big like for the week , my new Broyhill trash can for my office . It 's the little things that make life 's big likes . Yesterday was The Bug 's birthday and the weather was so nice that in the late afternoon I decided to have part of our family celebrations outside and invite our dear neighbors over for presents , cake and ice cream . Children 's birthdays always feel a little bit overwhelming as parents , covering all the necessary details even if it 's just a family party . There are the gifts , a meal , decorations , cards , wrapping presents , and so many little details that start to feel a little overwhelming . It 's amazing how exhausted you can feel at the end of a child 's birthday . I almost feel like a big birthday last year was about the same amount of work as a family party . . . maybe less since we ordered pizza in for 15 girls ! Around four o ' clock , as I was coming home from grabbing a few last minute groceries and a beautiful cake , I thought it would be more fun if we invited the neighbors , so I sent kiddo over to invite them . Then I started thinking about how nice it would be if we did all that outside . So I started zipping around the house looking for furniture we could take outside to use on the front patio . I was rummaging around the house and then headed out to the garage where I found a nice fold - up rectangle table I forgot we had . Grabbed that , a bunch of chairs from the dining room table since we were using our more formal dining table seating area for dinner . Then I found a pretty tablecloth that I actually bought for a different purpose all together and threw that over the table . Started grabbing candles , flowers , cake candles , matches and took that and all the presents outside . I found a few little flower garlands to hang out there in my stash from last year 's party . Then it was back inside to make dinner . The Bug requested steak , so we did steaks with marinated mushrooms and grilled onions . Earlier in the day I threw some baking potatoes into the slow cooker and I was so glad that got done early , took absolutely no time and didn 't require turning on the oven for over an hour . Then I made Crack Broccoli which we are still eating almost weekly . We 're on a big push for more leafy greens and so this is a great addition to our regular menu of kale / spinach smoothies and spinach salad . Dinner was relaxing and delicious and by the time we got done eating we had about 15 minutes before our neighbors would arrive . We gathered the cake and ice cream , went out and turned on the lights and lit candles . It was fully dark by 7 : 45 when we saw our friends coming through the trees from their yard across the driveway with a flashlight . So fun . Our neighbor Cathy said the patio looked so romantic , which her husband thought sounded odd , but I know just what she meant and was so glad to know that we 'd achieved " magical " and " inviting " with the scene . We opened presents first . Our neighbors were so sweet to bring her a little ornament from their travels . A woodcut with a bear and fish . Her dad and I gave her some piano books , a book on drawing animals - which is a great talent of hers - and then she opened a few bike accessories which was the beginning of a little trick we played on her . We told her that since she 'd been enjoying riding her bike a lot the past few weeks that we thought she would enjoy a few bike accessories . That included a water bottle & cage for it , bike headlight , taillight and lights for spokes , etc . When she had opened them all , her dad said he thought he might have forgotten one of the accessories and he disappeared to go get it . She was fully engrossed in looking at her new books and was not paying attention to where her dad went or what he was doing . When he walked up next to her chair with a shiny new bike , she still wasn 't looking up . As her dad was walking up to her the neighbors were " Oooh " - ing and she looked up and her jaw dropped . She was speechless . She jumped up and threw her arms around her dad and kept saying thank you . She said thank you didn 't seem like enough to really say what she felt . It was a little too dark for an initial ride and we need to adjust the handlebars and seat for her but she walked it around , inspected it , threw her leg over and and got a feel for it for a few minutes . mountain bike that didn 't have girl colors . So she got the very boyish Gauntlet bike in camo and orange - and loved it . No more girly bikes with tassles around here ! We capped the night off with a beautiful cake from Whole Foods . I was going to make a cake and was looking forward to trying out the " make a box cake taste like homemade " and " make a box cake taste like a bakery cake " tips from Pinterest , but when The Man suggested I just go to Whole Foods and get a cake I thought that sounded pretty good . Once I got there though it was hard to choose . I love their Chantilly Cake and it is a perfect spring / summer cake with white cake and berries inside and out . But that is my favorite cake and so associated with my birthday now that I thought I wanted to do something else for The Bug . Chocolate cakes sounded so heavy , carrot cake sounded wintery . So I settled on a cake we hadn 't tried before Strawberry Boston Cream Pie Cake . I knew it was flavors that everyone in our family would enjoy and it felt spring - like and not too rich , dense or heavy . When I told everyone at the table what kind of cake it was everyone reacted with oohs and ahhs so I was glad it seemed like the right choice for all five of us . It was delicious and light and creamy , just as I hoped and it paired so well with french vanilla ice cream too . Even after it was served and eaten The Man had another piece and then cut off another small corner and Kiddo was picking at it . We 'll definitely enjoy the rest over the next couple of days . Popping in for a quick hello . This week had not gone as hoped as far as blogging goes due to a little issue called " our home internet is down and a tech can 't come til Friday . " Sigh . . . so frustrating . Amongst a ton of other things I had to do yesterday I spent the entire day trying to get our internet connection working again . . . as you 'll remember I 'm the tech guru at our house . . . which isn 't saying much ! The outages map below doesn 't engender a lot of confidence in my internet provider . We ran through all the requisite tests . . . " move the modem to another phone jack , unplug it for 10 seconds then plug it back in , hit the reboot button , stand on your head , facing north , hold the modem between your teeth while drinking a glass of water and singing the national anthem ! Now tell me what the lights on the front on your modem look like ? " Every time the DSL light turned solid , ugly red . Finally at 5 p . m . , as I was rushing the third agent to wrap things up before we lost our connection yet again , we nailed it all down , but of course we 're out of internet service all week until they fix it . Then there is the whole clause in the deal that if it 's a problem on our end we have to pay for it but if it 's their service there is no charge . I think it 's their service or their modem . We shall see . And we 'll be asking for a refund off our bill for the days we 're not actually getting service . I keep trying to reboot out modem thinking they 'll find a problem on their end and get it fixed and magically we 'll be back in business but that hasn 't happened yet . Of course this was the week I had planned to do a ton of business online , needed to edit lots of photos . . . just needed to be on my computer a lot and needing the internet . So that 's been a disaster . It 's amazing how much you can 't do without the internet . Having it on the phone is fantastic but it 's not the same and now every minute we 're on the internet in our house via our phones , either using the internet on our phones or hotspotting , we 're eating up data minutes . Ergh . Mucho frustrating . It 's seems like in this day and age you should not have to go without the internet for a week , there should be a faster fix than that . Meanwhile I feel like we 're all being held hostage a bit , unable to do so much . Kiddo is working on a major month - long school project and needs the internet too . We 're all a little frustrated . It also means no netflix , etc . etc . because we don 't want to blow out our phone minutes . The other day I was going through a temporary but frequently repeated experience that I really was not enjoying . Because it was an experience that I have to go through somewhat frequently , the thought came to me , I cannot live the rest of my life like this . I can 't deal with this forever ! When we are in the midst of unpleasant experiences it does feel like they are taking over our entire lives and that we will break to pieces if you have to live like that all the time . But this thought came to me that completely changed how I was feeling and my thinking . I realized that this unpleasant experience never lasts more than two hours often it is only 30 minutes or so . So that 's not nearly my entire life or an entire day . It 's a pretty short time and I get through it every time . On a bad day it 's not even 1 / 12 of my 24 hour day . Then I started thinking about what fills the other 22 - 24 hours of the day that aren 't affected by this situation . I started counting the blessings I do have in those hours and the things I gladly deal with - - that I love and are deeply meaningful . I thought about the day before when I got to spend a leisurely afternoon alone with The Man and how peaceful and relaxing and restorative it was to just be with him , enjoy the outdoors and relax . It was like medicine for my soul ! I CAN deal with that and want more and more of those moments . I thought about the wonderful , sweet , bonding moments I 've had hanging out with The Bug the last week and how nice it is to snuggle up to watch a movie , read books and be still together . . . or to talk lots and laugh and workout together . Sweet , sweet moments , especially when it feels like she is suddenly growing up faster than ever . I CAN deal with more of those moments with her , many , many more . I thought about sipping my favorite hot cocoa and nibbling toast . In a few weeks it 's going to be way too hot to sip cocoa and I will miss the comfort and coziness of those quiet times and needing to warm up . I would gladly take more of that cozy , warm , chocolate - ness . I CAN deal with making the absolute most out of those moments . I thought about how much I am enjoying workouts and hours at the gym and how motivated I am for progress with my fitness and the recovery of my foot . It 's painful , but I 'm enjoying pushing through and reaching for goals . That 's another thing I CAN deal with in my life right now . I have a lot of projects that I 'm working on and am excited about right now . I am deeply interested in them , enjoying progress and I CAN deal with that . Inspiration and motivation to create are such a big part of who I am and what get me really excited . More good things in my life . I am really passionate about getting our back patio furnished for entertaining and family enjoyment this summer . That 's another thing I don 't mind dealing with one bit . Inspiration boards , checking lots of online resources and budgeting out options in my free time is another project I CAN deal with in my life right now and that I am having fun with . So , while in those few moments of misery when I thought I just can 't take this anymore , it struck me that I need to not think in those short periods that the unpleasantness is my entire life ! I realized I have so much more in my life that I CAN take , that I do love and that is wonderful and delicious to my soul . That realization really helped me to turn around my attitude about the small , unpleasant moments of life . They truly are just a bit of time and we do get through them over and over again . But they aren 't our entire life and we don 't have to let them feel like they own our entire life or our happiness . When I started seeing things in this new light , suddenly being in the midst of an unpleasant experience didn 't matter so much because I knew it would end and it would end soon . I saw that I have all those other lovely things to be excited about . Now , the next time I have to endure an unpleasant experience , I hope I 'll be able to remember that it will be just for a short time and it isn 't my entire life . It 's a few minutes of a day with many more minutes still available to enjoy with loved ones and doing things I love . As The Bug has gotten older and much more independent , it 's been a real process to understand what she needs . It 's easier when kids are little . They need to go to the bathroom , they need to eat , they need attention . But when kids get older they start communicating what they need less and it becomes a big learning curve to understand where they are at in life and to connect with them , especially when friends become more important , and grown ups ( especially parents ) seem less interesting to them . We 've been reconnecting with our " not to little " Bug lately and I am realizing in a deeper way how much tweens and teens need time with their parents . If you offer they will come . We have been spending time watching TV series together , working on small projects , taking drives , going to museums and running errands . Friday night we did a tough home workout together and a couple of times since then she 's mentioned how much she enjoyed it . Sometimes we watch separate movies , spend time on own tablets or read our favorite books and magazines but we 're together , curled up on mom and dad 's bed . Even when we 're doing separate things together there are still repeated moments of " love you " and stops for hugs and cuddles . Even though she acts like she doesn 't need us nearly as much as when she was younger , she still does and she loves having our attention and just spending time relaxing or talking together . It makes our home calmer , it makes her calmer . It helps us to act with more patience and wisdom in trying moments . It helps her want to be more sweet , a better listener and more obedient . It helps us all remember how much we love each other and to be gentle and kind with each other . We see the good in each other when we spend quiet time together and I find that many more compliments are passed in our home when we enjoy down time together and work time together . There is more gratitude one for another and we miss each other more when we 're not together even if it 's just for the school day . She is more likely to share part of her day and things that excite her or bug her when we 've spent time together . It provides quiet time to have important conversations , calmly discuss challenges and to encourage and support . I find that it 's very easy to keep myself busy and time can go by very quickly , even just an afternoon . It could be easy to let a day go by without quality time beyond dinner and bedtime . While I try to be very available , especially in the hours after school , I am reaffirming my efforts to make sure we spend quality and quantities of time together . It has brought an added sweetness to our home and I realize it helps all of us get through hard times better and to not let hard things get us down as much when we feel like a team and not alone to tackle life . Spending time with our big kids has a major impact on the decisions they will make in their tween and teen years and I want to keep working on being a connected and loving parent who can help a child make great decisions and find happiness in life . I can definitely see , feel and hear a difference in our home when we spend time together . Big kids need us ! Last Monday night I headed to the neighborhood Dollar Tree store and loaded up on pretty little composition notebooks . They are a great price for just $ 1 for pretty , colorful patterned covers that are often three times that much at other stores . They are my Big Like for this week . I 've been using them over the past few of years for all kinds of projects from business brainstorms , home renovation projects research , dreams and goals , a daily to do list and now I am using them for client projects I am taking on . They are the perfect size and so sturdy , easy to tuck inside a purse , backpack or carry on . I use a file rubber band to hold things inside , so it 's easy to tuck things in as well . Sometimes I glue things inside . They are great for sketching ideas out and I love being able to keep all my thoughts and brainstorming out projects in one place . They would be great for a travel journal for a trip . With some fun washi tape or a glue stick with you , you could tape or glue tickets and photos and fun mementos inside along with a daily record of activities and events - and again they are easy to tuck in a small bag or write in while traveling in small quarters . As I continue to declutter and simplify our home life I am finding some challenging goodbyes necessary . These separations are making for some serious consideration and decision making . I was inspired yesterday by this Instagram post by Clean House With Kids . Tricia says , " . . . best tip for keeping the kids ' room neat ? Get rid of stuff . Keep the things you and the kids really love . " The other day I was looking at a gift given to me by a friend years ago . It is sweet , charming and inspiring in intent , but honestly it is attached to some really bad , stressful memories and every time I look at it , it makes me feel stressed and brings back memories I don 't really want to be reliving every time I look at it . So I decided to give it to the thrift store with a kiss and gratitude to honor the gift from my dear friend . I also have a lucky penny a friend gave me over 10 years ago . I 'm not sure how lucky that penny was or is , but I 'm just not feeling an attachment to it anymore . It feels so attached to the past . Maybe I could spend it on something that makes me happy instead of having it in a little frame in my office . I like that idea and I think it honors the love in which it was given and in which it was received . I found an old gratitude journal that is only half filled . It was a great thing at the time I was using it , a place of peace and comfort , but now when I look at it I feel stressed . Looking through the journal it 's a bit of a history of hard times and things that didn 't work out , embarrassing situations and hopes I had that did not come to fruition . I want to let that go too and I 'm going to . I would never give away a real , historical journal , but this is more wishes and dreams and I am ready to let the ancient past be just that . I have enough embarrassing journals to cover the time period . . . ha . I could cut out the junk pages and continue to use it , but it 's the cover and the pages and the whole book that bothers me so holding on to it out of obligation to use the last of the paper seems odd . Maybe I can cut it out and use it for scratch paper . I use a lot of scratch paper . I also have a rock collection that I 'm wondering about the true value of . They were meaningful to me once upon a time sometimes because of the giver of the rock and other times because of the lessons I learned from studying them , but now I feel like I 'm holding on to them out of some sense of obligation . I think it 's time for them to go . I have so many little trinkets and treasures that meant something once upon a time that now just feel obligatory and I feel guilty getting rid of them and I shouldn 't . I don 't need to keep everything that I 've ever owned or that once meant something to me . It seems that I am entering a place of deeper cleansing both in body and life . Physically I have been feeling much better the past two months than I had for quite a few months before that . I might credit that to continued heeling of my foot , the surgery I had in early February , a change in nutritional supplements and even perhaps an adjustment of my stress levels or letting go of some situations I have no control over . Doing more self - care and taking more time to do things I enjoy since Christmas probably has some impact on that as well . As I progress to a more healthy physical state , I feel a companion drive to have my environment in a better state as well . I realize more and more how far behind my life fell in so many ways while I was " cast - bound " last year and in the still continuing recovery as well as the stress and magnitude of our 2015 move . We are still catching up with all the things that has to be put aside so that we could just get through the days and keep the family functioning . One of the things that we are so suffering from still is feeling and being settled in this house . There is still so much to do to really get it in a place where we will feel like we 're really here , living here and feeling " at home " . One of the things that I am feeling the impact of right now is the deep need to reorient my life to our new home , city , etc . There are things to let go of from our old life and I want to simplify life here so much so that we can just enjoy life rather than always feeling like we 're trying to manage belongings , schedules and work . Saying goodbye to things I don 't really love anymore feels like an important step right now . That crosses over into so many facets . We have so many towels that are in crummy shape but totally still usable . We also have new towels . We don 't need THAT many towels . Some need to go and we need to finally get our bathrooms and cupboards organized in a better way that works for us where everyone knows where to go to find things and where to put things away . For this week I am going to start saying goodbye to things I don 't really need or love anymore . I am ready to do that and ready to have a new , refreshed life , less encumbered with things I don 't love . Hopefully that will catch on with my family and they will feel freed to give up some things too . I think it 's time . This is more of a cautionary tale than anything , lessons I am learning from pulling a talent out from under a bushel . Music has always been a part of my life , but once I left home I decided I was not going to sing in a church choir anymore . I just didn 't like doing it and had done it from 12 - 18 years old . Much like a prison sentence , I felt I 'd paid my debt to choir society and I wanted to be freed from life in choir prison . I continued to sing to the radio , with my family and sometimes with friends but I retired from any real kind of performing unless it was Christmas carols or camp songs . Teaching kiddo to sing and have music in her life was important to me , so in our home music has been a priority , including getting her involved in band this year . Which , I 'll confess has not gone that well - the band part of that . When we moved to Albuquerque people in our new church congregation would hear me sing during the congregational hymns and the pressure started turning on about why I wasn 't in the choir . Then the ward music director asked if I wouldn 't sing in choir if I would be willing to perform with a small group in services sometime . I would rather do that than go to choir every week , even though we have an amazing choir at our church , - - it was a one - time commitment , so I agreed . . . still not really feeling excited about it . So it 's come my time to perform and I 'm singing a bass part which as an alto is a challenge ! We are singing a fairly challenging piece and I am singing in the bass clef which is very hard to do when you are used to singing the top lines of the sheet music . It has not been easy . I realize I have a much harder time reading notes , I 've forgotten the count of some notes and I have forgotten many of the music terms , in Italian of course . Being able to construct the sounds of the notes in my head is a challenge too . My voice muscles are not as fit as they once were , it 's a challenge for me to stay on key to hold long notes , my throat gets tired faster and I just don 't have a lot of vocal stamina . After practicing on my own for an hour and then with the group for an hour last night my throat felt like someone had worked it over with sandpaper and my voice sounded laryngitis - y . Then there is the whole process of knowing all the words and intonations , while at the same time reading the notes in the bass clef , holding them for the right amount of time , breathing in the right places , getting louder and softer at the right times . It 's a LOT to manage , but even more so when you 're rusty at all of it . I definitely feel out of my element with all this at this point in my life , especially since I am performing with professionally trained musicians . Ack ! Thankfully , at home we have a professional size keyboard we bought second hand a few years ago that I can use to practice . Thankfully I can still read and find the notes on the keyboard . Thankfully it 's coming back little by little . But boy do I have a lot of practicing to do before Sunday . Facing this challenge has gotten me more in the musical groove and I think I would like to stay a little more fit and familiar in the music realm . I should play the piano a little bit now and then as well and finally commit to learn to play my ukulele well . I actually enjoy doing all these things when I can do them on my own terms . I need to start thinking about my talents and ensuring that there aren 't others rusting away under a bushel as well . There are definitely some you can pick up and put down more easily than others . But it 's true you 'll lose them if you don 't use them enough . This experience is a good reminder for me even though it 's a little painful . It got me thinking about how I use my time and what I 'm giving time and attention to that I don 't want to be . It 's a constant battle not to let things creep into our lives that just pile up , muddy it up , make us tired and cause us grief . I find it 's a constant battle just to keep it all at bay and try to find some sense of simplicity in life . Moving into a house has definitely added to that and I find myself frequently missing living in a small apartment . Definitely the old grass is always greener because all a person wants when they are living in a small apartment is a house with a yard . Ha . In a house , there is more to clean , more upkeep , a yard to care for and more stuff in the house itself . It gets a little overwhelming and I think it takes some careful consideration to figure out what you can manage without losing your mind , when you 'll need help and how plus what that will cost in time and resources . One of the things I read in the post that struck me was the question " Are we busy or are we focused ? " Busy for busy 's sake still amazingly something humans tend to brag about . How often do we say or hear " Oh I 'm so busy ! " or " You know how busy life gets . " I like the contrast between busy and focused . I would rather be focused and make the best use of my time and not feel dizzy with busy . I recently talked with a good friend who is working on a new business . She said she is focusing two hours every day while her kids are at school to her business , 10 a . m . - noon . I like that realistic acknowledgement that this is the time she can give it and that she 's just going to be diligent in giving it that time . I was inspired . If you 're giving any effort energy and every day , then every day you are moving things forward and you are gaining momentum and the benefits of consistency . I am trying to figure out how to better manage that but it is not easy . So often it feels like my priorities have to take a back seat to everyone else 's priorities and I don 't think that 's right . But there are days when you just have to focus on keeping the family alive and afloat . I think this week I am going to write my priorities in big letters and post it on my desk . Then make sure my time is fitting into one of those priorities with focus from the top down . I want to be focused rather than busy . Then I want to cut back on how I 'm spending my time and create more open space in my days . It 's time to do some spring cleaning of my life and cut out the things that aren 't critical . I did that with my socks , underwear and makeup drawers earlier this year . I 've been doing the same with our family room . I 'm feeling like it 's time to Spring Clean my life and cut away some of the unnecessary items and build in lots more time for things I really want to be doing . Some things I 'd like to be doing more of are meeting up with friends , business networking , reading the few but beautiful magazines that come in the mail that seem to pile up a bit . I 'd like to spend more time studying things I 'm interested in and doing more meditation and yoga . I want to put more time towards meal planning and healthy eating , time outside and exercise . I 'd like to take more outings to new neighborhoods and things I haven 't seen here in the city . I would like to spend time working on the creative projects I have waiting for me like stripping down two old benches and making my planter I was supposed to make last summer . I 'm sneaking all these kinds of things in but not to the extend that they are completely regular habits and must haves for me . Here 's where it gets tricky . What would I like to be doing less of . . . well it doesn 't feel like any of those things are things I can actually do less of . I 'd like to be doing fewer dishes but we still have to eat and I do get help with that , but it seems like I 'm always the last one in the kitchen washing down the counters . I 'd like to spend less time cleaning house but it feels never ending and never feels finished - and that is with help . I 'd like to spend less time feeling like we have so much to do on the house and less time trying to do it . I don 't know what else I can let go of right now . There have to be things I 'm not thinking of . I 'm going to ponder that . Maybe what I could do better is think about how I use the free time that I do have . So often I feel like I fritter it away instead of doing something I really wanted to do . For instance I might sit down and watch a movie with that family that I 'm not really interested in . I could still do that but maybe do something I want to do while I 'm watching . Part of the challenge for women as well I think is that we 're just too doggone tired by the time we do have any free time . Who has the energy ? It 's a big of a losing battle when one realizes that the older we get the less energy we seem to have or the more quickly we get tired . What I would give to be able to put some of the energy of my youth to good use now ! I think more routine and organization would help to . I 'm big on these things but the rest of my clan is somewhat resistant . It 's a battle for me to figure out how much it 's worth fighting it and how much is absolutely necessary to teach skills and enforce order in the home . I think there is a little too much flexibility and movement in this area of our life right now . It would be better to have more structure . More focus . What things would you like to get rid of in your life or could you realistically cut back on ? How do you manage your time so that you feel fulfilled and happy with your own priorities while meeting the rest of the needs in your life whether it 's work , family , etc ? I 'd love to hear your thoughts ! It 's post number two in a new series I 'm calling " Big Likes " . This new theme is all about things I 'm really loving right now . Last week I shared my favorite cocoa mix along with recipe secrets for the all - time best cocoa which I learned from my grandmother . Today I 'm sharing something that pairs quite nicely with the cocoa , tea or any breakfast really . My mom makes fantastic jams and jellies and any time I 'm visiting and can take a few bottles she makes sure I pack a few in my luggage . If I 'm driving home I often get a small box of all kinds of goodies from her house . At Christmas she is so kind to send a box of holiday treats , including cookies and other holiday treats , a loaf of homemade bread and jars of jams and jellies . This year we devoured her holiday mailing pretty quickly and I will say I was a little stingy to share . I think we only have one jar of grape jelly left , which I may be putting off opening just because it 's the last one . So in lieu of my mom 's apricot jam I wanted to find something similar and picked up a jar of Apricot Preserves at Trader Joe 's last week . I wasn 't expecting it to be more like an Apricot Butter , very smooth and creamy . I thought it might be more chunky and chutney - like . But most importantly , I found that it 's tasty and has a great flavor . I 've been enjoying it on toaster waffles or toast in the mornings . It 's not too sweet and just the right touch of added flavor . I like that its reduced sugar too ! Plus the high quality fruit spreads at Trader Joe 's are priced equivalent to the junk jams at other stores but have the high quality of much more expensive , designer versions . It 's nice to have a selection of two or three different fruit spreads in the fridge and we go through it fast enough that we don 't end up with an entire section of jams and jellies . I 'm happy to add this one to our rotation . It 's a great substitute when you can 't have Mom 's homemade ! It 's a Big Like . We are going to be traveling again shortly and I am reminded about something I am continually grateful for . We have a kiddo who has been able to pack her own suitcase since she was four or five years old . Amazing and such a relief when you are rushing to get ready for a trip ! A few years ago I created a little picture chart for her to use to be able to pack her own bags . Since then she 's become quite a pro and is usually all ready to go long before her dad and I are . Over the years we have traveled a lot on short notice and we have lived in two locations with a lot of shuttling back and forth so The Bug has had a lot of practice packing and it has been a big help for her to be able to be so independent . Does she occasionally forget something , yes , but we all do no matter how old we are , right ? As my travel guru Rick Steves always says , there 's usually a store where you can buy what you need when you get there if you have to . The way my chart worked was that I basically created a standard packing list of how many of each item she would need for most trips and put a picture with each one , since she couldn 't even read yet when I first made this chart . If there were three shirts , she needed to pack 3 shirts and if there were two pants she needed to pack two pants . This worked very well ! Later I started just writing in a number next to the pictures if it was different than what was on the chart , based on the length of our trip and specific needs . That worked well too . So before she was old enough to read she could get together her clothing and set it all out so that we could go through it and check her bag to make sure she had everything and then just pop it all in the suitcase or backpack at the end . I still remember one trip we took where we only had about an hour 's notice that we were leaving for the airport and she was ready in less than 30 minutes . I think she was seven . She 's a good traveler . Having a good rolling suitcase that she can manage and a backpack she can pack her travel necessities in ( blanket , pillow , snacks , drink , books , iPad , etc . ) in has made life so much easier . Since she was tiny she 's carried her own backpack which has grown in size a bit as she has . Suitcase checks in for the flight , backpack carries us through the flight on the plane . I always packed diapers or extra underwear and extra clothing in her backpack in case of emergencies too . For little kids I like to pack quite a few small toys and perhaps even a few little fun surprises to keep them entertained on the flight . For little kids , I factor in that about every 15 - 30 minutes on the plane they may get bored , so I bring enough things to keep then interested in something new every few minutes for the duration of the flight . For longer flights you can even rotate through what you brought twice throughout the hours . I find this philosophy works well for church as well . I 've come to realize that the kids who are usually running unruly all through church or on the plane are the kids who don 't have anything else to entertain them . If there is lots to do right there with mom and dad they will stay there and stay engaged . Worked like a charm for us for years and I continue to employ that tactic with other kids I cross paths with as well . I usually still carry a bag with a few toys in it to church just in case and it 's amazing how often they get used . Now that Bug is older , almost 11 , I 'm not so concerned about entertaining her on the flight . That is really her responsibility now and I assume she 'll have a laptop to watch something online if she wants and a book or magazine to read as well . That should do it , thankfully . No more packing stuffed animals , toys and all that jazz . But I still want to make sure she has a sweater or jacket for the plane , something soft to lay her head on if needed . A thin , down puffy jacket works well as both a jacket or pillow on the flight and and is nice to have for cool mornings and evenings . I still usually always bring a pashmina with me for the flight as well , which also works as a blanket , scarf or pillow in a crunch . They fold up easily in a corner of a backpack . They often get used by other family members who turn up a little empty handed for pillows or jackets . I have a good backpack too that I 've been depending on for travel for quite a few years now . It has been a godsend for the amount of traveling I 've done over the past few years . Everything I carry on has a place and so every trip I know where I 'm going to store things and where to find them when I arrive . Having a system down makes things faster when you are packing , decreases the likelihood you 'll forget something as you go through each section and think about what needs to go in there and you always know where to find things . Here 's another post about how I keep a toiletries bag especially for travel that is always ready to grab and walk out the door with . It 's been a staple for my trips for almost 20 years now . Here 's a post about using packing cubes for clothing . I 've also been doing this for almost 20 years as well and I like how easy it is to keep everything orderly and organized . It also makes it very easy to have your bags searched if that happens . Having four cubes in your suitcase , one toiletries bag and a couple of shoe bags keeps things looking great and functioning well ! And lastly , this is my favorite travel bag for trips when I know I 'll be out and about for long days and doing a lot of walking and wandering . It works as a fairly small over - the - shoulder bag and if needed expands to hold shopping purchases , a lunch or a jacket . I 've had this bag for 20 years , it 's still in pretty much like new condition except for a little fading . But you would never know it 's 20 years old and they still sell the same bag now . Copyright © kalanicut 2009 - 2017 . All content is original unless otherwise cited . Please do not use original content ( text or photos ) without permission or without noting its origins on your blog , website or other documents .

I seriously wanted to cry today ! ! I worked last night so I slept a little this morning and planned on laying down with Austin for awhile this afternoon . Well . . . he wouldn 't lay down . UGH ! ! ! I should have got up and started doing something so I would stay awake but I tried to ' rest my eyes ' and keep track of the little stinker . I woke up 30 minutes later to a few extra decorations that I hadn 't planned on . Austin had found a package of markers ! ! ( Thanks goodness they were erasable ! ! ) I have to admit he is quite artistic . His ' art ' was bubbly and carefully placed just the way he wanted it . I had to laugh otherwise I would have cried . I pulled out my camera to take pictures and Austin walked up and started babbling while pointing at his art , telling me all about it . Oh my ! ! Thank goodness he is so sweet otherwise he would always be in big trouble ! ! ; ) This is the funniest website I have seen in awhile ! ! ! www . peopleofwalmart . comHilarious ! ! ! P . S . Im retarded with computers so I don 't know how to make it so you can just click on it . Sorry ! ! Ugh . I haven 't even typed the first sentence and I have tears in my eyes . My sweet Tyson turns 12 today . I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday . I didn 't get to see him for a few hours after he was born but when I did , he was beautiful ! ! ( In all reality he was bruised , skinny , gangely and old man looking but I am his mom I did see that ! ) He was so sweet ! ! I remember everyone coming to see him . I loved it ! ! I met Ryan for the first time ! LOL ! ! ! Good times ! I remember coming back from my muscle biopsy and crying for my baby . The doctor preferred to have him in nursery as much as possible so I could rest . So the nurses would bring him to me at night to breastfeed and then take him back to the nursery . A few of the nights , the nurse would bring him to me and tell me they would be back in 30 min to get him and when they would return , he wouldn 't have fed because I just held him and loved him . Oops ! ; ) So many memories ! It makes me sad to think that in 7 short years he will be going on a mission . I can barely have him spend the night away from home . ( I know it sounds dumb and unrealistic but I have anxiety when my kids aren 't home . Well . . . after a few hours that is ! LOL ! ! ) Tyson has made me who I am . He is a blessing and ray of sunshine . His sense of humor reminds me to not take life so seriously . His sense of right and wrong reminds me to be Christ like . His determination reminds me that I can do anything . Don 't get me wrong he is human and not perfect but in my eyes he is a gift from my Heavenly Father . I will cherish these next few years . . . they will go by fast . I love you buddy ! ! ! I haven 't posted anything for awhile but I wanted to be sure I added this . My boys are the best 3 little men God could have given me . They are so good to me ( let 's all remember Austin is still 2 . . . ugh ) and I enjoy being their mom . Love you lots and lots boys ! ! P . S . Seriously . . . . what would I do without this cheesy face ? ! I know every mother feels that excitement when there child plays a sport . To me . . . watching Jordan play ball is like taking a hit of Morphine or something . It is so much fun ! He is cute out there in the field . I can spot him from far away by just the way he stands . The little stinker has the ' adjusting himself ' part down pat but I am going to pretend he is fixing his insulin pump . Pretend with me that is what he is doing and let 's not think about what the other parents are thinking . ; ) The last few games he would catch the ball and just hold it . He didn 't know where to throw it . . . to many people yelling at him . I can only imagine how overwhelming for him . But tonight he figured it out . He played short stop and the ball bounced in front of him , he caught it , threw it to 1st base and got the kid out . How exciting ! ! ! These moments make me forget the crap he pulls at home . I am so proud of Shane for being so good to practice and work with him so maybe Jordan will love to play . Next year . . . it will be time to watch Tys too . So much fun ! ! ! P . S . Big thanks to my mom for watching Austin a few times so I could actually watch the game . Austin + Ballpark = Nightmare . Ahhhh ! ! ! ! I feel so much better . My little Austin has become a normal little boy . I started him on a herbal supplement ( called Focus Formula ) that I give him 3 x a day and I can totally tell it is helping . Hooorrraaayyy ! ! ! He is so sweet ! He sits and pushes cars . He watches TV . Did you hear me ? HE WATCHES TV ! ! ! ! ! He lets me rock and hold him for awhile . He rides quietly in a seat belt in the car . ( Oh how proud that cop would be of my mothering skills now ! ) He walks around the yard just looking at things . I don 't have to close every door in the house so he doesn 't destroy everything . I forgot about all the little messes he used to make . Oh so much better ! ! ! Don 't get me wrong . . . . he still has little tantrums here and there and insists on taking lids off of all soda bottles . But other than that , he is a jewel ! I will post pictures from his birthday party next week . ( Hopefully next week ) : 0 ) My little Austin has just about done me in . I 'm sure you have heard me whine at some point or another about how busy and messy and naughty and defiant and whatever else he is doing for that day . The last few months I have just kept in my mind this stage will pass . I remember Tyson being somewhat as busy ( not near as bad as Austin though ) and now he is 11 and is a joy . This trial will pass . . . . that is if I am still alive . I took Austin to the Pediatrician a few weeks ago and reviewed his behaviors and my concerns especially since we already have a son with ADHD . He sat there and watched him go from one corner of the room to the next like a caged animal . He knew what I was saying . After I spilled my guts I felt horrible . I love Austin ! ! He is a sweet , loving , precious little boy ! ! I started to cry and I told the doctor that I really do love him but I am struggling right now . He was sweet and gave me a hug ( a little awkward but very kind ) . He set us up with a pediatrics psychatrist in SLC to see what we can do . Our appt isn 't until the end of June but I am excited to get this going . I have been trying some herbal supplements the last few days . . . not much change but I am still hopeful . I think yesterday was my breaking point . The little pill knows how to get out of his crib ! ! I was sick . Somehow he climbs out , without getting hurt , and plays with his toys . I felt like I was losing all of my freedome . When he is in his crib , I know he is safe and I can relax . I layed him down for a nap today and it took me about an hour to get him to sleep . I was so frustrated by the time he was asleep . I can 't do this everyday . I went to Walmart today ( I know . . . I broke the Sabbath ) and bought a basic crib . Shane put it up tonight and so far so good . He hasn 't escaped yet . Oh I pray he will stay in this crib until we get him figured out or I can reason with him . My sweet sister left a little comment that said ' New post please ' . I know that seems whatever - ish but I could totally hear her saying that in my head with her cute grin . Silly girl . . . . I miss her . So . . . . not much has been going on at our little house . Well , maybe there has been . Let me start at the top . Shane - Still his usual unpredictable , fun , loving self . I have been begging him to help me with little projects around the house . His honey - do list is getting longer and longer . So , I have started pestering him enough that he will do a project here and there . He has been working on replacing the bathroom fan for about . . . . 3 weeks now . Not bad . Baby steps . He has been golfing here and there . He always apologizes for going out to play a few holes but I know it helps him deal with the stress of owning a business in this economic crisis . Poor guy . Me - I have been painting the kitchen / dining room . Of course that calls for a few trips to Lowes to ' check things out ' . I have picked out a new stove and dishwasher . ( I will just beg and use my pretty eyes to get my way . Works everytime ! ) I don 't love to paint but it hasn 't been that bad so far . I told myself if I painted I could get new carpet . Yes ! ! ! Tys - Oh my Tyson . What has he been doing ? He has been playing football with his friends after school . He didn 't want to play baseball or soccor . . . I was kind of bummed . But , he loves playing football . Shane has taken Tys and Jordan to the golf course to hit balls . He loves that ! He is such a good kid . I am so lucky that he is mine . Jordan - Jordie , Jordie , Jordie . He didn 't want to play soccor or baseball either . Little pill ! ! We might talk him into playing baseball with his cousin since his Grandpa Busch is the coach . We are holding our breath on that . Jordan is so far behind in school because he was sick for about a week . And I haven 't been very good at making him do homework every night so he has lots to make - up . We counted all his pages that he needs to finish and if he does 6 pages everyday until Spring Break is over , he will be caught Posted by Jordan was doing his homework the other day and Austin grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil . I looked over and noticed they are both left handed . They are cute ! ! I have to hurry and write this all down because it is so funny and I don 't want to forget ! ! My Jordan . . . . God bless his little soul . . . . is truly testing the waters lately . He has a horrible habit of talking , crying , singing , etc . SO loud ! ! I swear his volume is ' loud ' and ' even louder ' . Ugh ! ! I pick up the kids from school and they all are just yelling trying to tell me about their day . Who knows what that is about . So , I have to remind Jordan to turn his volume down . Today , Tyson ' accidentally ' ( or so he says . . . hmmm mmm ) stepped on Jordan 's foot and made him cry . Jordan 's cry wasn 't just a normal cry , it was ' I need to get as much attention as possible ' cry . In fact , Austin started to cry because he was being so loud . I sent Jordie to his bed for awhile . We both needed a time out . He also has learned that if he apologizes a few minutes after being on his bed , that I might let him off his bed . ( That is another issue I am working on ) So , here he comes and starts apologizing and begging to get off his bed . I wouldn 't let him off so he went crying to his room again . I went upstairs to make dinner and Jordan comes upstairs with a bag packed with clothes and toys and tells me his is ' moving ' . I instantly got a flashback of when I told my parents I was ' moving ' . Funny ! I asked him why he was ' moving ' and he started saying how nobody loves him and we need to be nice to him . He starts crying while telling me all of this and his last sentence was ' please let me stay , I will be good ' . I laughed so hard ! ( He might need therapy now but at the moment it was so funny ! I 'm not the one who said he had to move . Oh dear . ) He started going towards the front door and said ' this is your last chance or I am moving . ' I asked him where he was going , he said he was going to Grandma 's . I asked him which Grandma and he said ' Grandma Busch ' . He didn 't have shoes or a coat on so I told him maybe he should call Grandma Busch and have her come pick him up . He turned around and said ' If I knew her number I would ! ' and stormed out the door . I knPosted by Just real fast . . . . I have to post this picture ! ! My little Austin is the funniest little boy . When he was born he looked exactly like Shane 's Grandpa Busch . Exactly ! Usually when moms see their babies for the first time , they think . . . ' Ooh he is cute ! ' , or ' He looks like my other baby ' , ect . Well , my first thought was ' He looks just like Walter ! ' . Nothing wrong with looking like Grandpa Walter , I was just surprised . Now that he is almost 2 , we have noticed little things that he does that reminds us of either Grandpa Walter and Grandpa John . It is so crazy ! ! Tonight we turned on ' Horton Hears A Who ' ( his fav movie ever ! ) and I had to take a picture of him watching it . The photo isn 't all that clear but the best part of the pic is his little hands behind his back . Grandpa Walter walked with his hands behind his back exactly like that . It blows me away . . . so crazy ! ! And yes . . . . they are / were both short and sweet ! Wednesday was a rough day . I worked Tuesday night so I was running on very little sleep and when kids are fighting , yelling , whining , etc . , I can 't deal with it . My poor Jordan still has a horrible habit of throwing these fits that include throwing himself on the floor with a blood curdling scream in attempt to get what he wants . I hate it ! ! You have to understand he was my baby for 5 years and I ruined him . Plus , I have a little soft spot for him because he has Diabetes . Ugh ! Back to my point . . . . . Jordan came home from school and kept throwing these little fits and I was tired so I kept putting him on his bed for a time - out . The worst part of it was he would beg me to not make him go on his bed . I am a push - over so he knows that sometimes he can convince me to spare him his time - out . Well , not when I haven 't slept much . So , after 7 times of being in trouble , I sent him to his bed for twice the minutes and after dinner he was to go to bed for the night . I could tell it broke his heart but I didn 't care . I was to tired to deal with him anymore . After his time out , he brought me a note with a little picture on it . He cried and told me he was sorry . I loved on him but I had to stick to my guns and make him go to bed early . He gave me his note and went downstairs to play . I opened the note and about died . This is what it said : I am sory mom . I am sory for criing and I will do what you say . And here is the little picture that he drew . . . . It was a bad day ! ! I have to record this so I don 't forget . I so wish I would have had a blog when Tyson was younger . So many neat things are forgotten . Jordan had a little Baptism Program last Sunday because this year he will turn 8 and be baptized . It was really nice . Jordan didn 't say much about the program on our way home . He said he liked the cake , but who doesn 't like cake ? So , last night , he asked Shane about the ' gift of the Holy Ghost ' . I wasn 't there for the whole conversation so I am not exactly sure how it went but basically he wanted to know what kind of ' Ghost ' he would be getting when he was 8 . I never thought of how a 7yr old would view the ' Holy Ghost ' . He wanted to know if it was a scary ghost or what exactly did they mean by ' Ghost ' . We talked about how the ' Holy Ghost ' wasn 't really a ' ghost ' as he views ghosts but he would be his invisible friend . And he couldn 't understand how it would be a gift if you couldn 't see him . We had a great talk with him and hopefully we put the answers in words that his little mind could understand . I am so glad he asked us about it . Really , why have a big day when you were going to receive a ghost ? It 's really time for a new post . I am tired of seeing the chex mix recipe day after day . I 'm not in the ' creative ' , ' writing ' , ' sharing ' mood . So . . . . until then I will look at this post . A post that took absolutely no effort on my part . Just the way I like it . I love life . I love my 3 boys . I love the ' love of my life ' . I love books . I love being a nurse . I love being loved .

Room was clean , need was very comfortable . Walls were paper thin , could hear people talking in adjacent rooms over my tv . Also , the whole floor smelled like smoke one night . Lastly , they are renovating the hotel right now , and that was not reflected in the booking process . I was pleasantly shocked to find that the hotel was so nice . The room listed ' lake view ' and that was an understatement if any . The room was directly on the lake on the third floor and I was treated to some wonderful sunsets and beautiful nature . The lake was fenced off from the hotel because there were alligators swimming around in there , but from my room on the third floor that was just more exciting to see than frightening . There was a wonderful hot breakfast buffet available for $ 3 . 65 which at that price was unbeatable . I was so happy finding this deal on Kayak . Reviewed Apr 2016 4 . 2 Our room had a good view of the pool and lake . There was a huge spider in the room because the sliding glass door would not shut all the way . The carpet had cut out pieces that were replaced poorly . Also there was not a vent in the bathroom . Taking a shower felt like you were in a steam room . The hotel was changing from another hotel chain . Fresh carpet and paint would really make the place feel more modern . Staff & breakfast The room was dirty . Toilet seat had urine , stains , hair & ants on it & the floor . I told the desk clerk & he said he would let housekeeping know . We needed a place to stay because we were visiting my father in Shands Hospital so we only needed a place to sleep . We needed to take a nap in the afternoon before heading back to the hospital so we went to our building ( building 2 ) and the entire building was under construction so it was very dirty and there were also quite a few shady characters around at the time . We went to our room and the room itself seemed ok until we tried to use the bathroom only to discover the room above was leaking into our bathroom so we tried to call the front desk and discovered our phone wasn 't working . I walked up to the front desk and they placed us in another room in the same building . The bathroom was ok in this one but the phone didn 't work in this room either . We then went to the hospital and returned at midnight for sleep . When we returned we could hear hammering and drills above our room ( yes , they were actually doing construction after midnight ! ) . I went to the front desk to talk to these people again and the guy said he would go and check on it right away . I returned to my room and took a shower figuring it would be over by the time I was done . I got out and sure enough nothing had changed . The guy I previously talked to was gone and the guy that was there was checking another customer into building 3 ( where there was no construction ) . After some yelling we were switched to building 3 . Why would they put customers in a building under active construction ? It was over priced . We had kids and they didn 't tell us beforehand the pool would be closed so the kids were totally upset . The phone didn 't work and they say breakfast is included but only a few things are included and they were awful . Reviewed Apr 2016 3 . 7 Location The room was dirty , old . Did NOT feel safe , People were just hanging around in the parking lot late at night . No connection on the TV . Reviewed Jul 2016 9 . 4 The rooms were updated and clean . The staff was very helpful and very nice . It has a beautiful view of the lake . The pool was nice and was clean . The rest of the hotel is outdated and old looking . However it is under construction , it seems that they are making upgrades . Reviewed Jun 2017 more reviews The upgrade of the new Plus motels is quite nice , compabable to other better motels . The complete lack of any food for breakfast is a serious downside , especially when travelling with family . Altough the motel itself is very nice , those comparable motels with food would trump it . Hotel was clean and quiet . Lack of breakfast is a definite downside . Coffee was not always available ( ran out ) . A brown bag breakfast , fruit , yogurt , . . . would be adequate . 1st room the heat didn 't work , shower still had soap bubbles on walls , and hair in it . Beds had hair under covers . Changed rooms ; heat worked , but this room too had hair on shower walls . Beds were worn out and lumpy , as we 're the pillows . Will never use a red roof again Pet friendly , comfortable beds and good location . The first room we were put in smelled strongly of chemicals , so we switched . The second was musty and damp . Reviewed Nov 2015 6 . 0 Friendly staff The room was dirty . The hotel desperately needs a refresh . My room felt more like a cheap roadside motel . It certainly was not worth what I paid for it . I do not feel like I got the best for my money . Reviewed Aug 2015 9 . 4 Comfortable , convenient , friendly There are many plugs available but no USB availability . They say they are upgrading and some rooms may be updated but ours wasn 't . Reviewed Mar 2017 7 . 7 The rooms are great . The hotel is as close to campus as possible . The hotel itself is very nice , as evidenced by the people who got married there . The staff is wonderful . I did not like that my room did not have a fridge . The facility is really old and not clean . Furniture shows wear and tear on them The house keeping service is not very good . They don 't clean well and they leave some I cleaned items like used glasses without exchanging them . They also do late house keeping service and they don 't have an on call housekeeper if you need some cleaning at night which all four stars hotels do Location is good . You need to be a member to get free wifi . Yeah in 2016 this hotel does not give free wifi . Staff rushed our check in experience to get back to texting . The level of service at this location does not meet the standards that Hilton has set . Not worth the money . Buyer beware . Reviewed Aug 2016 more reviews I have stayed at The Lodge many times over the last 25 years . The hotel is still relevant and in good shape . The staff is excellent . The office facility is very good . The popcorn and bar in the evening , with a fireplace , is a great place to relax after a long day . The office used to have two computers and now has one . I had to wait a few minutes to be able to get some work done . Not a big deal but maybe something that could be addressed . The rooms are large , bathrooms nicely updated , however , found quite a bit of " stuff " under the bed . Front desk staff is lovely , evening cocktail hour is a pleasant addition . Pool and hot tub are always a plus . On check in I requested and received a handicapped first floor room by the pool , makes it possible to spend some time with my daughters . We had to go over to Shands for cardiac testing for my 17 year old and it was great to be able to look forward to relaxing at the pool afterward . The general manager , Tim , had scheduled parking lot renovation for the weekend we were there . When we returned to the hotel the majority of the parking lot was blocked off and we were unable to park near the entrance closest to our room . As the entire parking lot appeared to be blocked off I stopped my car at the main entrance and went to the desk to ask where I was supposed to park . When I was told that I would have to park on the far back side of the hotel , this would require a walk of more than 300 feet , I explained that I have heart failure , I need a new heart , and that I 'm not able to do that . I asked why on check in I wasn 't informed that I wouldn 't be able to park close to an entrance by my handicapped room . At this point Tim came from the area behind the desk telling the desk clerk that he would handle this . he informed me that there were handicapped spots on all sides of the building , so surely I could find one to use . I attempted to explain that not all handicapped people are alike , so not all handicapped spots are alike , and what my physical limitations are , but Tim talked over me saying we can move your room . I explained again the purpose of asking to be by the pool was to be able to spend time with my daughters , and moving me to another wing made it impossible for me to spend time by the pool with them . I asked for a workable solution where I didn 't have to pack up all of our stuff , move our room , and not be able to spend time with my daughters . Time then said he would have someone " hold " a handicapped space ( again Good Room we stayed in was huge ! Our room had 2 double beds , and we had a pack & play for our baby . The room was so big that the pack & play didn 't get in the way at all . Our 1 - year - old & 3 - year - old still had plenty of room to play on the floor with their new Christmas toys while we still had room to walk around . The lobby area is great with the lodge theme , sitting areas and fireplace in the middle . We also liked the Christmas decorations : Christmas tree , reindeer and nativity scene ! Very good breakfast & good coffee ! Very good price as well . Rooms are a little dated ( but still very clean ) . No fridge or microwave in the room we stayed in ( not a huge issue , but could 've been helpful , and many other hotels include them nowadays ) . Reviewed Dec 2015 2 . 0 The French toast and waffles were delicious The view from our room looked out at a wall 3 feet away . When I tried to make coffee the coffee maker smelled like it had been cleaned with nail polish remover . When I opened a box of their soap and there was a pubic hair on the bar . This was obviously a used bar of soap . The room we stayed in was adequate but not great by any means . This property is very old but has great potential . The room that we stayed in faced the court yard and had very tranquil qualities when we opened up the sliding glass door . Property needs an upgrade really bad . Location off I - 75 is great and local dining places are very close . This is a 2 to 3 star hotel at best with above average hotel rates . Owners and management need to upgrade the rooms and stop using caulk to cure 30 year old problems . Faucets and fixtures are from the 70 's and should all be replaced . Has potential to be a great 4 star hotel . Would stop here again on business or leisure but not until the place has had a face lift . Easy check in / out , cookies and coffee in lobby all the time , hot tub and pool , free wifi in room Woke up with multiple bites on my legs . Sheets were old and had holes and stains . Housekeeping service was variable . One day towels and sheets replaced , place felt clean . Other day bed was made but sheets not changed . Old and run down bathroom , paint chipping off walls , rust in sink and tub . Musty and damp smell in general . You can definitely tell this is a much older place attempting a rebranding . Needs an overhaul of the facilities , and an exterminator Very helpful staff . I had been waiting for a fax to arrive at the hotel number and in the mean time they let me use the business center even well after my checkout . This was very useful for me . They also carried the fax to the business center when it arrived . Had to park a little far at night when I was least willing to walk . I enjoyed the breakfast buffet because it also had a nice selection of fruit and a wonderful fruit medley . Of coarse it had the regular breakfast items . We really could not sleep well , because our room was attached to a adjoining room and that room kept there tv on all night loud . We ask for another room but there were no other non - smoking room available . I think they should work on sound proofing these rooms for people who would just like a good night sleep . Needless to say we were tired at our meeting next day . Reviewed Aug 2014 9 . 7 Convenient location , easy parking , good hot breakfast every morning , quiet room , friendly staff . Perfect for business trip - one less thing I had to worry about . Nothing really ; reason why I have stayed twice now when on business . Reviewed Jun 2016 5 . 7 The pet friendly room was clean and comfortable . The staff was friendly . My room faced I 75 . The noise was awful . I got little sleep . Although the review states this is a " pet friendly " motel , they actually have a limited number of pet rooms . This should be noted in the hotel description and reservations made accordingly . There was never anyone the front desk . I had to wait a couple minutes and then obnoxiously yell " HELLO " for someone to come out of the back . They took my towels out of my room and found out they never replaced them AFTER I took a shower . It took them about 15 minutes for them to deliver clean towels . The location was perfect for my needs : centrally located and near main thoroughfares . The room was comfortable and clean , though not spectacular ( decent size , though the decor was a bit dated ) . The breakfast was above average . The price was good . There was some traffic noise because it was next to the interstate , but rooms away from traffic were higher in price . I did not use the dresser because the drawers smelled like the previous user was a smoker and put all of his smelly clothes in there . Reviewed Feb 2016 more reviews Location was right off the interstate , hotel was clean , room was nice . Pillows were uncomfortable , and breakfast could have been better , $ 100 . Incidentals charge held on credit card for too long . Reviewed Jul 2016 5 . 4 The hotel was close to family ; the staff was friendly . The bedding was not very comfortable . It wasn 't soft ; there was no extra blanket in the room . The following night I was at another hotel and the difference was noticeable . Staff and room were great . We have stayed in many hotels in Gainesville , this is one we keep going back to . Air conditioner blew on to the bed closest to it . Reviewed Aug 2015 Comfort Inn University I like the courteous staff especially the desk attendant at the desk in the evening , he exhibited great customer service and was very friendly . The bed was comfortable as well . The bathroom in side our room smelled like that a a gas station . It emitted an odor even after cleaned . Reviewed Aug 2014 7 . 4 Complimentary breakfast was poor in nature . No one tended when food was out . Food area was not clean and quite messy . Selection was poor at best . - fitness center was broken down . I was not informed of this when i checked in even though i inquired about the location of the fitness center . - Shower tub in room was dirty The lighting was terrible in the room but the bed and pillows were great . The room overlooked the parking lot and was a bit noisy . The breakfast was ok . It was a little pricy considering . Reviewed Sep 2015 10 . 0 Drove down from Chicago , almost made it to our destination in Tampa but decided to find a mid - range priced hotel to stay . Found Sleep Inn and could not have been more satisfied with the stay . Check in took about a minute and we were upstairs in our room . The parking lot was well lit as we had our locked bicycles on the back and the room was spacious and comfy . Bathroom was clean and shower had good water pressure . Free breakfast was also a huge plus . There was nothing not to like . We enjoyed our overnight stay and would look to stay again on our next drive to Florida . My husband and I recently attended a wedding and stayed at the Sweetwater Branch Inn . We stayed in the Camelot room , which was the most economical , and were absolutely delighted with our experience . The room was a decent size and had a private bathroom , but more importantly , it had a quality atmosphere . You can wonder throughout the old house , which oozes Southern hospitality and charm , with its victorian vibe . In the morning we awoke to a spectacular breakfast which we ate on the veranda . Such a nice stay ! And much better than any hotel in the vicinity ! ( We stayed at a local hotel during our previous trip to G - ville and had to switch rooms because of the rancid mold smell ) The breakfast was delicious . The room was clean and quiet . The bed was comfortable and the staff was supper nice . Reviewed Aug 2015 by Patricia 6 . 0 Decent location in Gainesville . Nice outdoors area . Big porch which we used to have pizza with our friends . Staff seemed aloof . The room was on the third floor . . . 38 steps up . The sunken tub required some gymnastics to enter . Our room had a separate bathroom across the hall . Breakfasts and evening wine & cheese features were great . Clean accommodations , very nice , friendly , helpful staff . Nice location , quiet , even on holiday ! lovely atmosphere and decor . Not or handicapped where we were . Stairs - No elevator , but had ramps . Beds are sometimes high to access and in corners which may be difficult to maneuver . Furniture nice but not comfy . Local Restaurant closed New Years , so you could walk or order out . staffs willingness to accommidate late arrivals and assist with additional needs . it was difficult to find by address . GPS doesn 't register this hotel by name and street address takes you to an dark alley . Very comfortable rooms . Clean and staff was friendly . The breakfast had lots of items to choose from . We only stayed 1 night , but the kitchen was equipped nicely for a long stay . And the layout for the one bedroom was convenient traveling with a teen . Reviewed Jul 2016 10 . 0 Wonderful all suite hotel near I - 75 in Gainesville . Extremely good location from he school and next to a least a dozen restaurants and good shopping for college needs . Very clean , nice pool , gym , laundry and very large units including full kitchen with full refrigerators . Highly recommend , reasonable price , very clean and lovely staff . Reviewed May 2015 Homewood Suites by Hilton Gainesville Everything was fine . This hotel is a good value . This hotel was totally fine for the money , but I believe it was rated as 3 - stars when I booked it on Kayak . It is NOT a three - star hotel . It is a budget hotel . Staff was friendly and efficient . Terribly misleading photo - this is a motel where you park directly in front of your room . VERY loud , hard to sleep when people and cars are constantly going by right outside your room . I would have never booked had I realized place was a motel as I 'm a single woman traveling . Reviewed May 2016 5 . 7 The hotel lobby looked to be newly renovated and the breakfast in the morning was good . The location was good as there are alot of restaurants very close , Our bathroom was not clean upon arrival which set a bad tone for the rest of the stay , but the lady at the front desk did apologize and take a few bucks off the tab , which was good . The room looked cheap but for the money , it worked for a overnight stay . Overall our stay was very pleasant , room was clean and presentable , Staff was excellent ! Don 't let the older style of the building deceive you , I would stay for business or pleasure in the future for sure ! Also , very close and convenient to restaurants . The only downside is the area closest to hotel is run down , but out of the control of the hotel I 'm sure . We visit the University Center many times on busy Florida Gator football & basketball weekends and have never been disappointed ! The hotel has been around for a long time , but they do an excellent job with upgrades - and nothing beats the location or the staff ! They are the best ! I loved this hotel , the staff is so great , they go so far out of their way to make sure you are happy with you room and enjoying your stay with them . Hotel has been remodeled and looks great . The employees treated me like their long lost cousin from the guy that cleaned the lobby every day to the maid that cleaned my room to the security dude that was there everytime I left the building . I will be staying here everytime I go to Gainesville . Go Gators April 4 , 2007 - Gainesville , Florida : I just checked out of the Holiday Inn - University Center located just across the street from the University of Florida . I travel 5 - days a week . This hotel was comfortable , clean ; the staff was friendly and helpful . The hotel is just finishing up a major renovation . The room was NEW , fully renovated and very clean . The location was perfect , right across the street from the University of Florida . Great price ! I will have to send my Travel Agent a gift for booking me here . I will be back for the Football games ! Go Gators ! The only thing good about this hotel is its location to the University of Florida and its dedicated staff . Otherwise , for a few dollars more stay at the Marriott hotels . The Holiday Inn University has seen better days , and a few coats of paint , and new carpet will not solve its problems . The hotel needs updating , just because your guest have limited choices in hotels in Gainesville is no reason to try to charge inflated prices . The rooms at this hotel should be more in the range of $ a night or less . Yet , they want about $ . The Marriott down the road can come in at $ and it has more amenities . The cafe next to the hotel also needs an upgrade , but the staff there is friendly , courteous and young . Probably college students on a part - time job . I did not eat at the restaurant , just had a drink there . Also , though I saw cleaning products on the custodian 's cart , the bathroom in my room smelled of urine and it was nauseating . I tried to freshen it up with mouthwash since I didn 't have cleaners with me . The Inn has undergone renovations the past year or so , but even more impressive than its improved decor is the courteousness and professionalism exhibited by the entire staff . Everyone is very helpful and always greets you with a smile . We have even received assistance from the more than helpful General Manager when we inquired about a specific type of room . He personally ensured we received exactly what we requested . The location and fantastic new in - house restaurant are two more reasons why this is undoubtedly the best hotel in Gainesville , FL . Holiday Inn University Center takes you back in time to the $ * hotel chain in New York State . . . the rooms are glued together with five different size tiles in the bath room . Have you ever seen a 1 inch groutting around the sink and tubs . The air conditioning . . . wall mounted in the early 1950 . thank God I didn 't subject my family to a regular room . . . we were treated to a upper class executive room on the 5th floor . When asked about breakfast the front desk personnel stated go out the front door hang a left . If you go another few feet you could eat at the McDonalds next door . Save your money . . . sleep in their parking lot . Booked for business trip , was centrally located . However , front desk staff was not friendly at check in . The clerk acted like I was an annoyance to her . Room was visually displeasing . Stains on the ceiling , bathroom too small and I was afraid to walk on the floor without shoes . Left early , will never go back . I have not stayed at a Holiday Inn in ages , and have avoided this one on my frequent trips to Gainesville due to the ' 3 ' rating it had . When it was among the last few hotels with rooms available last week , I decided to give it a try and was very happy with my stay . Free cookie on check in , several welcoming notes on arrival to the room . I was on the 6th floor where it was very quiet . The room was sparkling clean and smelled that way . No perfumed or stale room deodorizer scents . The soaps and other sundries were of high quality , and the bathroom was spacious . The only drawbacks were the following : it took 2 - 3 minutes for the water coming from the shower to warm up , so lots of water was wasted waiting for it to do so . The air conditioning unit was one of the loudest I have encountered , and its age did not fit with the modern feel of the room . I ordered room service as the prices were not unreasonable . However , I pretty much paid for what I got , which I suspected when they told me it would be ready in 15 - 20 minutes ! The hot stuff ( ribs ) was obviously warmed in a microwave , and the cold stuff , a ' pineapple ' cole slaw looked and tasted several days old , so I avoided finishing it . The broccoli was bright green and fresh though so that was my silver lining ! Excluding those negatives , I would definitely stay again , though might choose a lower room I have stayed here twice for school , but won 't stay again . The rooms smell ( My first the bed had a terrible odor ) . They renovated the rooms , but they are still dirty . The proximity to UF is great , but the neighborhood is suspect . I don 't feel good about leaving my car there overnight .

When I was in high school I opted to learn how to type as opposed to learning how to use a computer . At the time , computers were big , clunky machines that you needed a working knowledge of HTML and codes to get much out of . " What will I ever need a computer for " , I said . " Now typing , that 's something I will always use " ! Ok , ok . I was obviously not one of those people who had much vision about where the world was headed . It 's strange to think that our children will never know a world without computers . But I suppose many of our parents thought the same thing about us and television . I 'm not generally a huge fan of technology for young children and have written before about waiting until after age 3 to introduce television to our kids , but I have let them play with a few iPhone apps and now that I also have an iPad , and the kids are a little older , I 've broadened my range of what they play with and I have to say , some of the apps out there are pretty terrific . My Top 10 iPhone and iPad Apps for young children Peekaboo Barn . $ 1 . 99 ( although there is a very good " lite " version for free as well ) . This was the first app I ever tried and it was perfect for my kids when they were younger . Even at age 4 , they still really enjoy it . Your kids will love opening the door of the barn with a tap and calling out the names of the animals shown ( and later , reading the name as well ) . I also like it because the illustrations are charming . If your kids like this one , they 'll also love the other versions Peekaboo Wild and Peekaboo Forest which both have more exotic animals than the barn version . All are formatted for both iPhone and iPad . Doodle Buddy . FREE . This app is so simple , but it entertains my children for ages . simply using your finger , you can draw with chalk or glitter , paint with a paint brush , add stamps with sound effects and drop in textured backgrounds . They 're perfectly happy using it on my iPhone , but the iPad gives you a bigger screen on which to create . Doodle Kids . FREE . Developed for both the iPhone and iPad . This one I especially love because it was actually invented by a 9 - year old boy . Crazy , I know . Each time you move your fingers across the touch - screen you are drawing using randomly sized shapes in a rainbow of colors . Triangles , dots , flowers - each time you place your finger on the screen it changes . Place two fingers and you get a different ombre color as a background on which to draw . Shake the device and the screen clears . What you can create is actually quite beautiful and hypnotizing . The Velveteen Rabbit . $ 3 . 99 . iPhone and iPad compatible . My kids and I absolutely love this one . As you may know , we 're huge reading fans in our house and The Velveteen Rabbit is a childhood favorite of mine . It 's unfortunately still a little wordy for my 4 - year olds , so I was thrilled to find this app because it made this beautiful story come alive for my kids in a way I hadn 't yet been able to achieve . What 's especially wonderful about this app is that it has three ways to use it : the first is a recording of the terrific Meryl Streep reading while we watch the beautifully rendered animated drawings . The second is simply the illustrated book which you can read aloud to your child as you scroll through the pages . The third , and I thought most inventive , was the ability to record your own voice so that your children can scroll through the book and hear mommy or daddy 's voice . My children were completely captivated , even while watching it on my tiny iPhone screen . I highly recommend this one ! A page from the 7Wonderlicious Adventure The Adventures of The 7Wonderlicious Girls $ 5 . 99 For iPhone and iPad . This is an app created by a mother whose mission is to empower young girls to think beyond limits , to be self - confident , adventurous and bold , to appreciate the differences in others , to have a passion for learning and so much more . From her website : " Using role models that your daughter can identify herself with is important in early childhood . We selected 7 girls of all shapes , sizes and backgrounds enabling your girl to connect with one or many of our characters . Hopefully they will inspire the next generation of confident women . " The illustrations are sweet and colorful and each page is a stand alone short tale with questions you can ask your children to encourage their thinking process . The first puzzle page from Spot The Dot Spot The Dot . $ 3 . 99 iPad only . This is the newest app I 've downloaded and it is spectacular . Not surprisingly , since it is created by David A . Carter who is a modern master of pop - up books . This app uses bright colors , geometric shapes and simple hide and seek tasks that gradually get more difficult . Plus , I love that each time you use it the hidden objects are in different places so it doesn 't get boring . My kids love this one and ask for it repeatedly . Your children will learn color identification , build memory skills and exercise their visual tracking and hand eye coordination . Paper Town Friends $ 1 . 99 for iPhone and iPad . If you liked paper dolls as a kid , you 'll love this charming dress - up app . 6 animal friends all in need of new wardrobes . The best part ? Everything looks like it 's made of paper ( as you choose an item to wear , each one even has a " paper " sound effect ) . It 's very simple , but both my son and daughter get a kick out of dressing and re - dressing the figures . You can also save them to your iPhone camera roll if you wish . MeeGenius ! FREE . Without having to pay anything , downloading this app gets you 12 classic children 's stories . A recording of each book plays while words are highlighted to allow early readers to follow along . MeeGenius also has many more books which can be purchased for between 99 ¢ and $ 2 . 99 . The developer claims to allow you to personalize the books so you can read them with the names and places changed , which I know my kids would get a kick out of . Perhaps I am a dope , but I can 't seem to get this trick to work for me . Regardless , I like the app a lot - it 's a great way to carry a bunch of books along with you if you can 't actually carry any ! Splish Splash Inn . 99 ¢ This is a really sweet , simple app that 's perfect for little ones learning to count . Open this app and you will find a bright , happy and somewhat retro underwater hotel where a tap on each numbered door brings forth a corresponding number of sea creatures ( one shark , two turtles etc . ) . My First Tangrams $ 1 . 99 ( there is also a free " lite " version with 4 puzzles if you want to try that out first ) . iPad only . I expected my daughter to love this app because she has a real knack for puzzles , patterns and spatial relationships . But it turned out that both my kids loved this one and even whisper encouragement to each other as they try to figure out where the pieces of the puzzle go . As my children are only 4 , they do better with apps that are more about creating , reading and figuring things out as opposed to games that need them to compete with each other . These have been some of their favorites so far . What apps do your kids like ? I 'd love to learn about new ones ! I had hoped to have time to craft a brilliant piece of writing to tide you over until after the holiday weekend , but the craziness of my week seemed to have gotten the better of me . I may not have written as much as I had hoped , but I did manage to spend more time than usual with my children and had some special one on one time this week . No matter how down or unappreciated I might feel from time to time , the shrieks of joy that accompany my offer of time alone with mommy instantly brighten my day . Mmmm . . . brain freeze ! Our son chose to spend our afternoon eating ice cream , shopping for every imaginable piece of clothing that had a skull and cross bones on it , going to the bookstore to read for a while and riding an old fashioned trolley ( on which the conductor sweetly allowed him to twice ring the bell and call " all aboooard ! " into the microphone ) . He was overjoyed . And frankly , so was I . Our daughter , then decided that this sounded so great that she wanted me to duplicate the day with her . And so we did . She , too , had strawberry ice cream with rainbow sprinkles but the trolley was on a break and we ran out of time before the bookstore ( and she chose mermaids over pirates ) . But we had a great time talking and sharing time together without the distraction of her having to compete for attention . Our daughter " poses " now . . . hopefully she 'll go back to smiling again soon ! I adore these two . And I am eternally gratefully for the time I get with them . Even when they drive me batty I know that I am truly lucky . And I know that there will come a time , in the not too distant future , when my son 's eyes won 't sparkle with excitement over time alone with mom and my daughter will no longer lift my hair to tell me the secret " you are the best mommy in the world " . For now , I try to drink it all in and treasure the moments I have here and now . All too soon they will be foggy memories . So , with this in mind , I decided to take our family away for a last minute weekend trip . The four of us together for the whole weekend without classes and softball games and computers to distract us from each other . I 'm sure we 'll have some not so great moments , but I plan to roll with it and just enjoy 3 days with the 3 people I love most in the world . I wish you all a wonderful holiday weekend . I hope you are spending it with people you love . I 'll be back to writing again after the weekend . If you are able , I would so appreciate your votes over the next few days . My blog is hanging on to the 13th spot in the Top 25 Parents With Multiples blog competition - I can use all the help I can get ! Many thanks to those of you who have already voted ( you can vote every day until Monday ) ! " The wind whispers soft through the grass , hon . The field mice , they make not a peep . It 's been thirty - eight minutes already . Jesus Christ , what the fuck ? Go to sleep . " My guess is that anyone who 's tried to get a toddler to go to bed at the end of a long day can probably relate . We hopefully haven 't said it directly to our kids , but I certainly have muttered the " f word " under my breath on occasion . This book was supposed to have a modest printing this Fall of 10 , 000 copies , but in the last weeks it has become such an unexpected internet sensation that the publisher is printing more than 20 times that number and pushing up the release date by 6 months . " I wrote it as a reflection of my own personal reality . I wanted to write about the way that I felt and be honest about it . … I think our generation talks so much about parenting , you almost can 't get away from it . But there 's a certain lack of honesty in a lot of it . And so I wonder , is this true ? Are parents feeling that there 's a lack of honesty in the parenting information they receive ? I get so much feedback from parents thanking me when I post something that is more raw and , I suppose , really honest . I think we all want to feel understood and when someone has a less than glowing feeling about any part of parenting they feel as if they must be the only one . So , I guess when someone writes " The flowers doze low in the meadows / And high on the mountains so steep . / My life is a failure , I 'm a shitty - ass parent . / Stop fucking with me , please , and sleep " there are many of us that can relate . What do you think ? Have you seen the book ? Do you think The Washington Post columnist is right and it is a sign of the times ? Leave a comment and let us know your thoughts ! I 've been nominated as one of the top 25 Parents With Multiples bloggers by Circle Of Moms ! But I need your votes ! And you can vote once a day until 5 / 30 / 2011 . Click here or click the button to the left . Thank you ! This Aristotle quote is a favorite of mine , and I have often kept it in the back of my head when trying to teach my children the concepts of emotional intelligence . Like so many things about parenting ( or life , in general ) , words are easy , but action is so much harder . I don 't think of myself as an angry person . Generally , I feel as though I am accommodating and understanding and very empathetic . I also have noticed that I can have a hairpin trigger ; on occasion my anger has surprised and , frankly , disturbed me . I was saying to one of my sisters - in - law the other day that the aspect of parenting that most surprised me was how exposed your triggers become . Once I became a mother I began to see that there were aspects of my own childhood that I never considered to be painful or upsetting but which are suddenly scratched raw by something seemingly inconsequential that my children or husband does . My kids were out of school for a few days the other week . By day three I found myself physically and emotionally exhausted ; my patience was worn thin and I was so angry so often that both my children and I had our share of crying by the end of the day . After the kids finally went to bed , I managed to have an argument with my husband where I had such intense anger that I shocked myself ( and perhaps , him as well ) . Where was all of this anger coming from ? Why would I get so unreasonably mad at a 4 - year old over something that was completely normal for a 4 - year old to do ? Yes , raising twins can be exceptionally difficult at times and yes , I am aware of my low tolerance for chaos and noise , and yes , my daughter is in an exceptionally difficult " testing " phase , but the fact that she wouldn 't stop needling me while I tried for the 10th time to explain the rules of a game to her whining brother shouldn 't cause me to explode . It really shouldn 't . But it did . And I know that there is more to it than just my being tired or overwhelmed . I know this because the amount of anger I felt was disproportionate to the act committed . So , I lay in bed this morning and I thought about my pent up anger . What am I angry about ? It 's certainly not that my daughter kept interrupting me . What exactly was happening ? I decided to dissect it . I asked her a few times to please wait until I was done , but I wasn 't being listened to ( HUGE trigger for me from childhood ) . I was being pulled in two directions at once as I was trying to talk to our son , and was being distracted by our daughter who also wanted my attention . Thus , I wasn 't able to pay attention to either of them properly ( being needed in two places , not able to give either my full attention for me equals not being able to do something well . This is a HUGE childhood issue for me . Interestingly , I was also triggered because by not being able to pay attention to either of them fully in that moment , I felt I wasn 't listening to them which brings up my own issues ! I know . . . . crazy ) . Having effective methods for handling my children 's behaviors has become a protective method I developed . The sense of satisfaction and reassurance I feel when I say or do something and they respond favorably calms me and makes me feel in control . When they don 't respond to my bag of tricks I feel lost and as if I am free falling ( loss of control , HUGE childhood issue ) . The combination of these three things increases my stress level greatly and I become flooded . When I 'm flooded , I can 't think clearly and I am primarily thinking with my primitive brain . I simply react to make the stress stop . I act like an angry child . I threaten , I raise my voice , I slam a door , I throw something . Then I collapse in tears because I know this is not how I want to be . I apologize , I attempt to explain without blaming them , I ask for forgiveness and always , always receive it . I start again to try and do things better . The process starts all over again because I still have those triggers . Usually I do handle myself better , but even one time of losing it is one time too many . How do I stop the triggers from controlling me ? How do I keep my patience and my calm ? When Mommy Needs A Time Out I actually don 't believe in time outs ; but I do think everyone , grownups included , needs to cool down on occasion . Here are some of the things I use to keep my sense of calm . It takes a lot of practice and I believe calming methods need to become part of an every day ritual , like meditation - especially if you are as tightly wound as I am . Many of these ideas I am teaching to my own children as the reality is , we have the exact same emotions our children do - we just have had more years of practice regulating them . Know Your Triggers . Dissecting your anger as I did in this instance is so helpful in understanding where your triggers are . Once you know your triggers , you can help yourself by either not putting yourself in those situations or asking for help if you can 't avoid them . If you can 't figure your triggers out yourself , ask someone you trust or a therapist for help . Express Your Emotions . One of the best things you can do for yourself is to narrate your feelings . Way before you lose control , check in with yourself . Notice if you are getting agitated , anxious , short tempered . Verbalize this - even with your children . " Mommy is getting really frustrated right now . I feel it in my stomach , it 's getting tight . I am feeling hot , that means that I am feeling mad " . This isn 't a warning to your kids , you are simply offering this information in a descriptive tone . Just giving voice to your feelings begins to relieve some of the tension . It also helps your children begin to be able to notice where anger resides in their bodies and to then be able to express their anger in a more acceptable way . Deep breathing . This is an especially effective method if you get overly anxious ( as I do ) , but it works any time your brain is flooded . Any type of deep breathing is good medicine . However , if you can learn the 6 second method it can be exponentially more helpful . Putting one hand on your stomach and the other on your chest , fill your belly in the first 3 seconds ( letting your stomach expand ) , then your chest in the last 3 seconds . When you exhale , do it through your mouth and use the 6 second rule again : release the air first from your upper chest in the first 3 seconds , and then the air from your belly in the next 3 seconds . It 's actually the out breath that regulates your brain when you are flooded and you can sense your body calming itself as you breathe out . Begin teaching your children deep breathing as a way to calm down as early on as possible . My kids use it regularly . Know Your Limits . My tolerance level is pretty high . Both for pain and for stress . I can take a lot . This is a good thing in many ways , but it also works against me because if I am not paying attention I don 't notice that I am getting overloaded until it is just too late . I keep trying to handle the situation on my own , getting more and more stressed , and then I explode . However , when I am centered and paying attention to me ( and not just to everyone else ) I will notice that I am getting anxious or that a situation is going to go badly soon and I can call in the reinforcements or I can simply remove myself for a moment to collect my thoughts . Being a mom of twins means needing to keep 50 plates spinning at once , but don 't pride yourself on being able to do it all - ask for help before you become a weeping , frustrated mess . Recharge Your Batteries . I know I am way more patient and way better at keeping my triggers in check when I have had enough sleep and have eaten well that day and have had a little time to myself . I know , you are thinking , " Yeah , I remember those days . That was before I had children ! " So if you can 't get all of those things in ( I know I can 't ) then find at least one thing that helps keep your batteries charged up . I make sure to get a little down time during the day where I am alone and no one needs anything from me . It 's a priority that I 've set and I make sacrifices in other areas to get that . I would happily trade it for 10 hours of solid , uninterrupted sleep ; alas , I think it may be years before I get that . Find your daily thing . Maybe it 's catching up on the phone with a friend , a therapy appointment , exercise , a quick cat nap . . . whatever it is that makes you feel like your best self that day , DO IT . Your family will thank you . We will all lose our tempers and have moments when we are far from our best selves . For me , the key is to own those transgressions . I always talk to my children afterwards and explain that grownups make mistakes sometimes and that it 's not ok for anyone to yell at them or to make them feel sad . If it happens , I tell them , the person needs to apologize . I know that when our son says to me " calm down , mommy " that he feels safe expressing himself and entitled to ask me to act in a better manner . I am not a perfect parent , but every day my children teach me how to be a better one . What about you ? Do you ever lose it ? What works best for you when you feel like your emotions are getting the best of you ? I 'd love to know your advice ! I 've been nominated as one of the top 25 Parents With Multiples bloggers by Circle Of Moms ! But I need your votes ! And you can vote once a day until 5 / 30 / 2011 . Click here or click the button to the left . Thank you ! Stranger , still , are the things you have no memory of . On this Facebook page there is a large group of people who are about 6 or 7 years older than I am and apparently there had been a male teacher at the school who had psychologically and sexually abused many of the students . To make matters worse , once it was discovered , the school did a lousy job of handling the situation and simply fired him without telling parents , teachers or students what had happened . Once the students who had been subjected to this man graduated , there was no one left to discuss the matter . In effect , the memory was erased from the school . Me and mom , 1975 . I remember this So it makes sense why I have no memory of this man or what happened ; I was only 6 at the time of his firing . But what about all the other memories that I 've been reading about that I have no recollection of ? Why don 't I remember Manny or Rudy , the teachers everyone seems to have loved ? Why don 't I remember our principal losing her leg in a car accident ? Why don 't I remember our greasy haired math teacher being mean to a boy in our class who probably had some learning disability now that I think back on it ? My memories of the school itself are good ones , although few and far between . I think I was so self - conscious and so worried about how others saw me that I was not paying attention to much outside of myself . I was never bullied , but I remember feeling lonely and sad and left out often . I remember wishing to be more popular with the " cool kids " . I look at photos of myself from those days and see an awkward , shy kid and I wonder to myself about how my own children will experience elementary school . What will their memories be ? I know I can 't protect them from everything , all I can do is equip them with tools to protect themselves once they go out into the world . I know children , in general , tend to be self - absorbed ; I hope that I have learned from my own behaviors enough to not pass the addition of being self - conscious on to them . I want them to be proud of who they are , to be confident , to be sure of themselves . I 've heard research often quoted that when Kindergarteners are asked who is the smartest kid in class , 100 % will say themselves . But just a few years later this percentage drops dramatically . What happened in those few years to strip a child of his confidence ? Mostly what happens is school . We 're in the throes of our search for an elementary school for our kids . We 've been remarkably blessed to have them at a wonderful preschool where their creativity and individuality is nurtured and where each child has a voice and knows how to use it . They 're off to a great beginning , I am doing my best to keep them on the right track ! I hope I am teaching my children to be kind , confident , assertive and to think for themselves . I hope they will run the gauntlet of their school years and come out on the other side as I somehow did , relatively unscathed . My schools years weren 't perfect , but no one 's are . I think I am going to stick with my Barbra Streisand version of memories and simply remember the laughter . The Twin Coach I 've been nominated as one of the top 25 Parents With Multiples bloggers by Circle Of Moms ! But I need your votes ! And you can vote once a day until 5 / 30 / 2011 . Click here or click the button to the left and then scroll down to find me . Thank you ! Next month there is a new lecture at The Skirball entitled Using Emotional Intelligence To Raise Compassionate And Resilient Children . Now that is totally up my alley and I 'm excited to be attending . For those of you in the Los Angeles area , I thought you might be interested as well . Here are some of the details : Through a keynote presentation and multiple workshops , participants will learn how to use Mindsight with their children to help them discover their feelings as a source of strength . Techniques for cultivating resilience and well - being will be explored . The seminar will also enable parents and caregivers to strengthen bonds with children , leading to stronger families and communities . All this for $ 50 ( $ 40 for Skirball members ) ! For details on all of the workshops and how to register , please click here . I 've already registered , I hope if any of you plan to attend you 'll let me know ! I 've been nominated as one of the top 25 Parents With Multiples bloggers by Circle Of Moms ! But I need your votes ! And you can vote once a day until 5 / 30 / 2011 . Click here or click the button to the left and then scroll down to find me . Thank you ! A friend sent me this video ( if it doesn 't show up , please click here ) about a dad 's documentation of his daughter 's life through a series of letters , videos , photos and more . It 's very touching and made me tear up a bit - yes , I cry at commercials sometimes . But then I began to feel a little guilty . I mean , how many of you have even started that scrapbook you 've been meaning to make ? Or printed out the photos you uploaded onto KodakGallery ? Have you kept a journal of all the funny things your kids have said ? Yeah , I haven 't done such a great job , either . But I want to . It frustrates me that all my parents have are a few , loose photos of my childhood . Of course I know they were in their 20 's and traveling all over Europe full of thoughts of starting a commune and probably without enough money to buy film for the camera anyway . But still . We all want to feel that our every giggle and smile was a momentous occasion . I don 't want my kids to look at me and wonder why I didn 't document their early years . I have excuses for not having these albums done . I 'm busy . I don 't know where to start . I have to make TWO of everything ! But really , those aren 't good reasons . With digital cameras that download instantly to lap tops and phones that take great pictures and videos , my husband and I actually have thousands of photos stored on my desktop . But there 's the problem . There they sit . We look at them now and then , but they deserve more . And by " they " I mean both the photos themselves and our children ! So I began to think about all the ways a very busy parent can put together some terrific memories for their children - even if you 're not as tech savvy as Sophie 's dad in that video . Scrapbooking : My fantastically creative friend , Jackie , made me a set of photo scrapbooks about a year ago . She documented doing them on her blog , My Submarine To The Future . Now , you will notice that I said someone else made them for me . That 's right , I couldn 't get it together to do my own . But I am not too proud to ask for help . If someone does something better than you , why not ask for their expertise ? It doesn 't always have to cost something , often people will trade services . Online Services : KodakGallery and Blurb are just two of the many online services which guide you through creating your own printed photo albums . It 's extremely simple and quick . How Fast Time Flies has beautiful backgrounds and fonts and lovely page lay outs . They seem a bit more expensive , but are more unique . Really , once you set your mind to it , it can be done in under an hour . Note : these services make it very easy to make duplicate albums . If you have twins ( or any version of multiples ) it is a must , in my opinion , to make more than one album . When your twins leave home how are you going to decide which one gets the " Babies ' First Year " album ? Make two . Trust me . Listen To Me : Taking videos of your kids is terrific . I can watch baby videos of my kids for hours . Once they began to get more verbal , I began to also record just their voices . There is something deliriously sweet about hearing their little voices telling a story or singing a song . It 's easier , as well , to hide the fact that you 're recording so your kids don 't begin to " act " for the camera . I usually use my iPhone voice memos app which you can then download onto iTunes and then , in turn , download onto a CD to give the kids when they 're older . If you 're as tech challenged as I am , here is an excellent , simple explanation of how to download your voice memos onto your computer as they don 't automatically download when you sync up your phone . If you don 't have an iPhone , a simple tape recorder will do and you can keep a treasure box full of all the tapes to listen to . My kids love to listen to themselves " when they were babies " . Beyond The Baby Album : Obviously , photo albums filled with photos of your children are great . But what are some other ways to create memories of their childhood ? What about taking photos of all your children 's artwork through the year and creating a photo retrospective of their creative genius ? This is definitely on my To Do list . Or make a photo book for them when mom and dad go out of town - I made one and filled it with photos of who will be taking care of them , what they will be doing and also pictures of mom and dad so they can say good night . It 's a great way to help them through the event , but also a great keepsake later on . My kids still love to read the one we made the last time we went out of town without them ( sadly , that was almost a year ago ) . Our daughter working hard at a Dreams : I credit my daughter with this one . When my kids wake up and we have a few minutes to snuggle , I often ask if they had any dreams . Talking about dreams helps kids understand their importance and , perhaps , will encourage them to remember more . It also helps you decipher some of the things your kids may be struggling with or thinking about . One morning our daughter had dreamed of something that scared her , so I suggested she draw a picture so we could talk about it more . She said she wanted to make a " Dream Book " so I simply folded some paper , made a colored construction paper cover , stapled , and voila : a dream book . I know , I know , it 's not the most beautiful thing , but what is beautiful is seeing her drawings and writing down the fascinating dreams she shares with me . As long as I can keep her interested , we 'll make more . I look forward to pulling them out and sharing them with her when she gets older . As easy as these ideas may be , I know that the biggest road block for anyone is time . For me , I have found that the only way I can do anything that isn 't a spontaneously created moment with my children is to schedule it into my day . If I really want to get an album done , I promise to dedicate a set amount of time on a particular set of days . Once I 'm into it , I realize how much fun it is to do . And once I have the actual product , it feels amazing ! What about you ? How do you record your memories ? How do you find the time ? I 'd love to hear some of your ideas - share them below in the comment section ! I 've been nominated as one of the top 25 Parents With Multiples bloggers by Circle Of Moms ! I would so appreciate your vote . You can vote once a day until 5 / 30 / 2011 . Click here and scroll down . Mother 's Day is right around the corner . This will be the 4th year I 've spent celebrating my own motherhood . Being a mom has changed me in immeasurable ways from my physical body , to the products I buy , to my relationship with my husband , to the way I react to other people 's children . I think it is fair to say that becoming a mother has touched every aspect of my life . Once I had children , I realized that I was moving in a divergent direction from almost all of my friends who were , of course , not stay at home moms to newborn twins . I began to seek out new friends who could relate to where I was at . I was hesitant at first , expecting SAHMs to be women so happy to be baking pies and talking about baby poop that I couldn 't relate . But what I found was that motherhood was changing all of us , and that all of us ( or at least most of us ) were in need of this collective sisterhood where we could confess and complain and gush and learn . Most of all , learn . When I think about my amazing friends who have taught me so much , I also think about my own mother who had me when she was just 24 . The first of her friends to have a baby and without the benefit ( or perhaps , hindrance ) of the multitude of child rearing books and services we have now , somehow my mom figured it out . Actually she more than " figured it out " , my mom worked full time , cultivated her marriage into a deeply loving commitment that has lasted over 45 years and has always made me feel loved and secure . I 'm sure it wasn 't always easy . She traveled throughout Europe with almost no money and a toddler in tow , was in and out of countries where she didn 't speak the language , she handled my father 's descent into a drug induced nervous breakdown , raised a spirited daughter who definitely had her own way of doing things , worked at a job she never cared for , which allowed my dad the freedom to write , put up with our menagerie of rescued animals . . . and somehow managed to be the grounded anchor our family needed . Mom . . . early 1960 's When people ask about my mom , I often get stuck describing her . Perhaps because what makes her so special are so many qualities I wish I had . My mother has a great sense of humor and genuinely laughs right along with my husband when he lovingly teases her . I wish I had that skill . My mother never went to college , but can hold her own discussing art , literature , film and more with the intellectual crowd she and my father circulate in . I wish I was that confident . My mother has no airs about her ; she is genuine , down to earth , real . And she expects the same back . She can spot a phony from a mile away . I 'm still working on this one . My mother is deeply generous , truly kind and a great friend . I give her all the credit when I am even remotely close to that type of person . Hanging out with mom . . . 1970 Even with all the " stuff " that comes up between mother and daughter over the course of a lifetime , I know I will be lucky if I am as good a mom to my children as she is to me . On Mother 's Day I will be with my husband and children here in California . My mom will be in New York with my dad . My heart will be in both places . Wishing you all a wonderful Mother 's Day . Yes , it 's that ridiculous . And it 's not just winning or having more than the other , competition for mommy 's affection and attention is paramount in their world . Getting to sit next to me , having me sit on their bed ( as opposed to their sibling 's ) at bed time , getting buckled into the car seat by me instead of having their nanny do it , all of this and more is argued over day in and day out . All of this leads to a lot of whining , yelling , poking , name calling and crying . And that was just today . I 'm an only child , so the concept of " typical sibling behavior " is a bit foreign to me . And I find the chaos and noise that accompanies it quite stressful . You can 't expect your children to be best friends all the time , or even expect them not to fight , but I do think we can teach them to be civil , kind and respectful of each other . These are some of the things I use in our house to handle the issue of sibling battles : Make ground rules . Hitting / kicking / hurting each other 's bodies is not allowed in our house . This seems like a no - brainer , but children need to be reminded constantly that this is not the way to express yourself . Be consistent about what you will do if a child forgets to follow the rule and does hit etc . We do not do time outs but we do not allow anyone to hurt someone else 's body in our family . If someone needs to be removed it is always done with that explanation followed by the offer to stay close to help with the big feelings . Knowing how you will handle a situation ahead of time makes it a bit easier to follow through rather than having to come up with a solution in the heat of the moment . Teach Emotional Literacy . Siblings often end up name calling and hitting each other because they don 't know how else to express what they 're feeling . Use reflective ( or active ) listening to give them the vocabulary they need : " It must be so frustrating when your sister isn 't letting you play with her " , " You must feel really disappointed that Jason didn 't share his toys with you " , " You seem really furious that your brother threw sand at you " etc . Once your children can accurately talk about their feelings this instantly begins to help diffuse the situations . Create Problem Solvers . Teach your children to solve their own problems . It 's hard not to always step in and be the referee , but you are doing your children a disservice in the long run . One of my favorite parenting books , Becoming The Parent You Want To Be has a great breakdown of how conflict resolution should be taught . I 've been using this method since my son and daughter were , perhaps , 2 years old and it works remarkably well . They 're now old enough that they can often do it on their own with just a little prompting from me . It involves active listening , reframing children 's name - calling , validating feelings , encouraging each child to state their point of view etc . The very basics of it go something like this : when children are fighting I might say " It looks like there is one ( toy , seat , cookie etc . ) and two children who want it ( or two children who have a different idea of how to play this game etc . ) . What do you think we should do ? " If necessary , I remove the object causing the conflict until a resolution is reached . I then prompt each child with " Jamie , can you come up with a idea that will make both Jamie and Eli happy ? " When Jamie gives her answer I ask Eli if that idea is OK with him . He can say " I like that idea " or " I don 't like that idea " . If he doesn 't like it , then he 's encouraged to offer an idea . And we go back and forth . If they get stuck , I may offer an idea of my own . It took a lot of practice , but this method has never failed to work for So , when they 're not fighting how can we help our children like each other better ? My kids can actually play together really well , but they also fight . A lot . I know that because they 're twins they spend an inordinate amount of time together . This would be enough to make anyone crazy . Although people tend to think that multiples are automatically each other 's best friends and love to be joined at the hip , it is my experience that as a parent of twins , I have to work harder to cement that friendship . Having children of different ages presents its own challenges and I think these tips can help either scenario . Encourage Their Bond . I 've written about this more extensively in a post called Best Friends , Or Just Brother And Sister ? Finding ways to increase your children 's bond with each other is vital to building an underlying love for each other . You cannot force friendship , but you can show your children how special is it to have a brother or sister and how important that relationship is . Children who are diametrical opposites may never be close , but they can learn to appreciate the other and to even enjoy the company of their siblings . One On One Time . Fill up your child 's cup with as much time possible spent doing " special " things without their sibling . This is particularly important if you have twins , but it helps with any sibling pairing . It doesn 't have to be anything spectacular , any time they get to do something where they don 't have to share with their siblings is a bonus . They not only are getting your undivided attention , but they are also able to share more of themselves because they are not caught up in battling for top dog status . Doing something with each child that is special to them will help your children know that they are valued for who they are as individuals . Siblings of different ages will often have after school activities that are different , just because of their ages ; give your twins the same gift . So , even if both love art , try to send them to a class on different days . There is something to be said for that old adage " absence makes the heart grow fonder " . Giving your kids some time to miss each other is a good thing . Dont Compare , Don 't Label . It is human nature to do these two things . We naturally look at two similar things , compare and contrast them and then label them : " this child is listening to his mother while the other one is throwing a tantrum ; he must be the difficult one " . There is nothing worse than being compared unfavorably to someone one else . Strangely enough , it is equally bad to be labeled with what we would consider a positive attribute . It 's just as hard to live up to being " the smart one " as it is to live down being " the moody one " . Resist comparing your siblings . Avoid labeling them . There is nothing that will create bad blood faster than these two acts . If you need to comment on what one child is doing , do it without bringing up the other child . There is no need to say , " Wow ! You finished your homework so quickly . Your brother hasn 't even gotten half of it done ! " These are just a few ideas that can help create some sibling harmony at home . Do your kids fight ? What do you do to keep the peace ? I know I can always use new ideas . Did you fight with your siblings ? Do you do the same things your parents did to try and put an end to it ? I 'd love to hear your stories . Hi , my name is Gina Osher . I 'm a former holistic healer turned parenting coach and mother to 5 - year old boy / girl twins . I do write about life with twins , but mostly I write about my efforts to find a deeper joy in parenting and a more connected understanding of children ( no matter how many you have ) ! These aren 't my kids , but they look awfully familiar ! My 4 - year old twins compete about almost everything . It does not make a differ . . .

You know what 's annoying ? People who have kids and then all of a sudden think that it 's okay to discuss their child 's bowel movements in polite company . Sick . So , today I took Collin to the ophthalmologist . And I was going to write about the waiting room that is strategically placed so that you can hear the baby before you screaming its head off in the examination room because of the eye speculums , or about the eye speculums themselves , which look like something the government would not allow in an interrogation , or maybe even about the award I presented while I was there for ' Crabbiest Office Staff On Earth . ' But guys . I was sitting in the pre - waiting room waiting room ( they have a series of three , those sneaky dogs ) trying to make Collin smile , when I reached down to adjust him in my lap and stuck my finger up to the second knuckle in the poop that was bubbling up out of the back of his pants and onto my jeans . And he smiled , all right . I jumped out of the chair and looked around wildly , but even though there was a sink in the room , it was too small to put Collin in it and there were no paper towels anywhere to be found , not to mention any flat surfaces that weren 't covered with eye gizmos or fancy eye drops . So , in a panic , I laid him down in the examination chair and started frantically pulling tissues out of the box on the counter . By the time I got his clothes off , there was poop from his feet to his hair , including his face , and a smear the size of a serving platter on the examination chair . It was at this point that the nurse stuck her head in the door to summon us to the next waiting room . Either she was busy or she had to go hurl from the smell in the room , but she didn 't stay long . I used every tissue in the box and every wipe in the diaper bag , plus three disposable diapers to get him , me , and the chair wiped down . Then I squirted my hand full of sanitizer and drenched everything in it , threw Collin 's clothes in the trash can , took out the bag , tied a knot in the top , and went to see the doctor . I couldn ' Posted by Button Toucher from Annie Kratzsch on Vimeo . Someone is slightly obsessed with his g - tube button . Apparently , this is really unusual and most kids either don 't notice it at all or are really bothered by it . My theory is that this is when he would be starting to play with his feet if he could get them to his hands , but since he can 't , button is the stand - in . Here are Collin 's breakfast meds . His bedtime meds are the same , plus one more . He has a much smaller selection for the 2 : 00 feed , but that batch requires me to use the mortar and pestle , so it still feels like a big deal . I keep an updated schedule with dosing on his health spreadsheet and , if we have several changes at once or big changes of any kind , I post all meds on the fridge so Kyle and I can remember which way is up . Our most recent change in meds came yesterday during our appointment with Dr . Awesome . He took a look at Collin - at his eyes retreating back into his pumpkin head and the hair growing all over his face - and decided that we will wean the prednisone faster than planned . So the dose will be changing every two days instead of the six and then three we had previously decided on . This way , he 'll be off in just under two weeks . Phew . It 's interesting how the optimism from each of these drugs turns into a relief that they 're over and an excitement to be free of the side effects . We will be sticking with the B6 ( which we started Tuesday ) for a full week before determining whether or not it 's working . If it 's not , we 'll move on to Vigabatrin ( Sabril ) which the FDA approved last month and has only been available in the US for a couple of weeks ! Hello prescription insurance ! On a side note of awesomeness : Dr . Awesome is leaving the country next week and I asked what we should do if something comes up while he 's gone . He wrote up a simple little contingency plan for us and then . . . GAVE US HIS PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS . And just to prove that he would be able to get our correspondence , he took out his iPhone and read me an email from his inbox . It was nothing confidential , don 't worry . I think it 's safe to say that we 're one of his favorites . Ever wondered what it would look like for a miniature , grouchy , teething sumo wrestler in tiny glasses to eat pureed carrots ? Me too . And here you go . I think he may even have swallowed some of it . That 's right . Thanks to his steroid meds , Collin - San from the ACTH days has returned , which means that his already squinty eyes - along with the rest of his facial features - are being slowly eaten whole by his colossal cheeks . Thank goodness we 're weaning the prednisone , because he can barely push back his bulgy face rolls to open his eyes . I 'm not kidding . Believe it or not , his eyes are open in this picture . We are currently in the process of applying for a Medicaid Waiver to help us out with all of Collin 's medical expenses and the first step of said process is to apply for Social Security . Even though we knew we would be denied based on income , we packed up an impressive stack of medical records and prepared to spend most of the morning downtown . Imagine our surprise when we were called back for our appointment at 9 : 00 EXACTLY and were out the door in 15 minutes . We kind of stumbled outside in a daze , totally thrown off by how efficient and cooperative our representative had been . So , I am sending a big smooch on the cheek to Social Security for making ONE of our tasks smooth and easy . I can think of a few doctors ' offices that could take a page out of their book . CASE IN POINT : I had to call Dr . Awesome 's office SIX TIMES today in order to get our B6 prescription called into the compounding pharmacy . The pharmacy was incredible , as usual , and had the solution made up and waiting for the doctor 's call so we could have it today . So here 's a smooch for them , too . We ended the day on a high note when I got a wild hair and decided to try Collin in his suspended bouncy seat even though he can 't sit up at all and can only hold his head up for a few seconds at a time . We packed him in with blankets within an inch of his life , and the result made my week . This video comes at the request of Nana and Grandad . Big Boy from AnniePosted by My post today was going to be about our fantastic Just Us Weekend , but then Collin 's seizures started to get worse today , which took the wind out of my sails . After his second cluster of 20 spasms , which were noticeably stronger than the first set , I paged the neurologist on call at the children 's hospital ( who just happened to be Dr . Awesome ) to figure out what to do with Collin 's meds . Since we never got full seizure control on the prednisone , he decided to start the wean right away and wean over three weeks ( we had delayed and lengthened weaning since Collin seemed to be doing so well ) . While we decrease the prednisone , we will give B6 one more try , and if that doesn 't work , we 're on to Vigabatrin . Also in the news , our insurance company and the hospital that controls THE ONLY CHILDREN ' S HOSPITAL IN THE CITY had another falling out . It was basically a big foot stomp in a colossal series of baby fits over money . Except that they dragged the children and families into their mess since their disagreement interferes with coverage by drastically increasing the amount for which families will be responsible . Luckily , it turns out that Kyle 's company was somehow able to bypass all of this , but I spent a lot of the day being furious and writing my councilman , representative , and governor . Plus , what about all of those other families ? The job of the hospital is to provide care and the job of the insurance company is to provide coverage , so why don 't they do it ? Parents of children with illnesses and other conditions have enough to worry about without dealing with the ridiculous power struggles of what basically amounts to big business . There 's a different kind of exhaustion that takes hold on days like these . It comes from being charged with adrenaline and poised to act for an extended period of time . Even when things calm down and Collin falls asleep after a cluster of spasms ( he gets extremely sleepy after seizures ) , I 'm still on edge because I want him to wake up and show me that he 's okay . Plus , I think that our fantaPosted by There 's doing dishes , and then there 's doing dishes . These are Collin 's - bottles for storing milk , bottles for practicing oral feeds , big and little syringes , pump extensions , etc . etc . It 's a bit much to keep up with sometimes , so we keep color - coded tubs on the counter - yellow for dirty and pink for clean - to help streamline things . The good thing is that keeping all of this clean makes washing and stacking diapers feel like a little treat . Well , that might be a small exaggeration . As you can imagine , we have had to work through a slew of issues over these last months and continue that work daily . One of the most powerful for me has been the complete demolishment of my assumptions about the brain and it 's value in terms of making us who we are . I don 't think I had realized how integral I assumed the brain to be to my identity . I got straight A 's from 1st grade on , valedictorian , scholarships , good teaching jobs - these things felt important to me and so much of the praise I received was for my intellect . Not only that , but I had good sense , a creative bent , and an interest in deeper thinking . That was who I was and I think I was proud of it . And when we got pregnant , I just knew that our child would be advanced in every way . And we would be so proud . So when my brain turned on me and everything about who I thought I was was vaporized by a scalding anxiety and crushing despair , what was I left with ? I remember sitting on the toilet lid with my head in my hands crying and crying because I couldn 't control my own mind . My intellect was broken and my sense and creativity were powerless against this consuming monster . It was like mourning the loss of myself . And now Collin 's prognosis includes the opposite of what I expected for him . Major delays at the very least . He can 't do most things other babies his age can do . Maybe he will stun everyone and advance in surprising ways . But maybe he won 't . Maybe he will never even talk . And how will that affect how I see him ? How will it impact his identity ? Of course , the easy answer is that it won 't affect my love for him at all . And that is true . But think about what that really means . If your loved one changed in some way - if your child didn 't look at you or smile at you , if your spouse suddenly didn 't care about anything she used to love , if your friend somehow lost the ability to communicate with you - what would that do to your relationship with them ? What would be left of them to love ? One day , my dad was rubbing my head while I cried and told me that Posted by My goal this week was to find a pediatrician who will be a better fit for our needs . I know I probably haven 't sounded like it due to my recent frustration , but I really do like our current pediatrician - we just need a little more time and support for Collin . For a few weeks , I had been polling Collin 's therapists and other doctors for suggestions and settled on three practices . So yesterday morning I called to set up interviews with the doctors to determine who would be the best match . Except that instead of things going the way they should when a parent is trying to choose the best care for her child , I spent the greater part of the morning talking to receptionists and office managers only to be told that one practice ' just didn 't have room for us ' and the other practice was ' not taking any more special needs children ' . That last one sent me into a bawling fit of indignant frustration and shocked hurt . Who says something like that ? Would she say ' we 're not taking any more kids with allergies ' or even ' we 're not taking any more kids of his ethnicity ' ? How could they deny him BASED ON his needs ? What kind of sense does that even make for a doctor ? I was so discouraged . Until . . . DUN DUN DUNNNNNN . . . I called the third practice . The office manager asked me how much time I wanted with the doctor . I said ten or fifteen minutes would be great . She called back to say that the doctor wanted to schedule me during his consult slot so we could have more time to talk . So would 11 : 20 be a good time for me ? The next day ? So this morning Collin and I trekked to the office ( which felt like a big house and had an e . e . cummings quote painted on the wall in the waiting room ) and met with Mr . Right . Dr . Right I guess I should say . He spent a solid half an hour with us , listening to Collin 's whole story ( and it 's quite a story to hear all in one sitting ) . Guys , he asked me tons of thoughtful questions and explained his view of his role in the scheme of Collin 's situation and listened to MY expectations and didn 't seem remotely rushed orPosted by We had a shockingly efficient appointment at the neurologist 's office yesterday . I think we were in and out in an hour and a half and most of that time was with the doctor ( henceforth referred to as Doctor Awesome ) . We didn 't even have to eat the snacks I always pack to get us through those afternoons . We shared how pleased we have been with the prednisone and how many positive changes we have seen in Collin while on it : his wakefulness , alertness , interaction , eye focusing , neck control , smiling , and vocalizing . And of course the fact that his spasms have been minimal . And then Doctor Awesome explained to us that we can 't keep Collin on prednisone long term and it 's almost time to start weaning him off . ' I 'm sorry , what ? ' you might ask . ' Something is working and we have to stop it ? ' you may ask . ' Why did we ever start it in the first place ? ' you might ask . Excellent questions , my friends . I asked them all myself . I guess the answer is that there is a small chance that a course of prednisone could permanently solve the spasm issue . And when I say small , I mean minute in the extreme . But apparently it was worth a try . So , we 'll start the wean next week and it will take 3 weeks to complete . We 'll watch carefully during the wean ( like we ever don 't watch carefully ) and if the spasms start to pick up again , we 'll try one more round of B6 . If that doesn 't work , it 's on to Vigabatrin - the drug from Canada that can cause retinal damage . As I 've explained before , Collin 's neurologist is many , many kinds of awesome ; one of them is that he is a man of action . Collin has had a white , furry - looking tongue for almost two months now and I 've been to the pediatrician TWICE to see if it was thrush , which would have explained why he didn 't want to eat anything by mouth anymore , since thrush makes your tongue hurt . Both times , the doctors declined to treat him for thrush because he didn 't have spots on his cheeks as well as his tongue and because they were hesitant to add another drug to his regimen . I can appreciate the desire to mPosted by A couple of short weeks ago , bedtime was indistinguishable from the rest of the day - Collin slept about 22 hours out of the day , so bedtime just meant moving him from the living room to his crib . Now , however , he 's warming up to a bedtime ritual - coconut oil massage , pretend nursing with mom ( he doesn 't drink anything , it just comforts him ) , reading with dad , some alone time feeling one of his toys ( Chuck the Duck , pictured here , is a current favorite ) , then swaddle and go to sleep . I can 't describe the sweetness of getting to experience a little bit of what most mothers do every night . Of course , we owe a lot of this to prednisone , which seems to be a fairly good match for Collin 's body chemistry at this point . He is averaging one cluster of spasms every two to three days and , though he is irritable , it 's nothing like we saw on ACTH . He has a fairly normal daily schedule going , he smiles everyday , he opens his eyes and looks through his glasses often , and he is so much more vocal I can hardly believe it . But the goal is for the spasms to stop completely , so we 're not sure how long he will stay on prednisone . Not to mention the fact that it suppresses his immune system so much and we 're heading into cold and flu season and his entire medical team is trying to impress upon us the seriousness of guarding him from germs . Thanks guys . I can always use a little reminder to worry about Collin . Tomorrow is a Neuro Day , during which we will discuss our trip to Cleveland Clinic , find out the results to the most recent round of tests , and come up with the next phase of our plan . I 'm putting together my typed outline of notes and questions to take with us . We have to be united and in top shape since our time with the neurologist is so intense , so we 'll go over everything together ahead of time . Maybe do some stretches . Here is the story of how we drove the 6 hours to Cleveland and back again in the same day . First , let 's take a minute to acknowledge that we had literally been preparing for this trip all week . I had made lists and lists of lists , done around a thousand loads of laundry , collected a big fatty stack of personal records and medical records from all over the city , had everything meticulously packed and was ready to go Thursday night . Because Kyle can 't afford to miss any more work than necessary , we got up at 1 : 30 IN THE MORNING on Friday and headed for Cleveland for our 10 : 00 am appointment . It was long and dark and most of Ohio stank for some reason , but we made it in good time and then spent a very stressful and cramped half - hour in the parking garage of the Cleveland Clinic trying to change Collin and pile on the stroller everything we might need for our appointment and whatever tests might follow . Cleveland Clinic itself was an experience I would easily call surreal . It sat on some of the most beautiful grounds I 've ever seen - pristine , well - designed , zen - like . Being in the facility itself was like a cross between visiting the future and a resort . Kyle called it a ' weird space spa . ' The halls were wide , airy , and unobstructed , lights shone up and down the walls , and meditative music played everywhere . Everything was state of the art , the cafeteria served delicious food , and the employees all wore spiffy uniforms . Eerie . But the fact of the matter is that , no matter where you are , a doctors appointment is a doctors appointment . We filled out silly , repetitive paperwork , stripped Collin down to get weighed ( at which point he had a massive poop , per usual ) , and were ushered into a little room that looked pretty much like every other examination room . EXCEPT ( side note alert , side note alert ) for the fact that there was a THERMOSTAT on the wall . As in , a thermostat that actually controlled the temperature in our own room . Now , I don 't know how much time most of you spend in doctors ' offices , but if it 's much at all thePosted by Many of you know quite a bit about the trials Kyle , Collin and I have endured since February , but few know the extent of the darkness we have walked through together . Between Collin 's first stay in the hospital and his diagnosis of Infantile Spasms , our family faced a devastation of a different nature . I have been finding lately that it is difficult to write truly and accurately about Collin 's journey and the things we are learning through it without referencing this time . So , consider it referenced . When Collin finally came home from Children 's Hospital in March , Kyle and I had very little knowledge and no medical support for helping us adapt to the feeding tube and Nissen wrap . We were only told by a well - meaning but misguided nurse to avoid ' gagging ' ( what we now call ' retching ' ) at all costs , because it could break the Nissen wrap ; this , in Collin 's case , would mean aspiration and potentially pneumonia or death . So when , 10 days after we brought him home , Collin started to retch violently while he was in my arms , spewing milk through his feeding tube and up into the air while his face turned purple , my brain broke . I don 't mean to make light of the situation , I only mean to speak the truth . After the strain of a month in the hospital , fearing for my child 's life and enduring countless tests , procedures , and surgeries , witnessing this much - feared event snapped something in my brain . I immediately started shaking and felt that I was going to throw up . I had to give Collin to Kyle and leave the room . By that night , we had determined that we should go to the emergency room , at which point we were admitted for a hellish three - day stay that determined nothing . By the third day , I was not eating , drinking , or sleeping at all . I could not stand to touch Collin and could barely look at him , yet I would not leave the room . I remember lying on the cot next to his bed planning my steps across the hall to the nurses ' station to ask how I could get admitted to the hospital as soon as possible . At least there they would hook Posted by With no underlying diagnosis yet discovered , Collin is a man of mystery . He has global developmental delays , pediatric epilepsy with a history of infantile spasms , cortical visual impairment , and severely low muscle tone . He eats through a feeding tube , uses oxygen for sleeping , and follows the ketogenic diet for seizure control . He is tough as nails , sweet as pie , and awesome as all get out . This blog is about his challenges , his victories , and what it 's like to be his parent .

Category Archives : Bird watching March 2 , 2017 by Lidancie Arts Marching Into March Yesterday was the first day of March and it started off overcast but pleasantly mild . Hoping to avoid the predicted rain showers , I took Jazzmin on the short hilly walk right after breakfast . Although the clouds were thick , it was warm enough to walk without a coat and it didn 't start sprinkling until we were almost home . On our walk we were treated to the sight and sounds of a large group of turkeys in a field . I always enjoy seeing the males all puffed up as they try to attract the females . Once back home and freshly showered , I expected to hunker down inside for the rest of the day and work while it rained outside . Mother Nature had other plans though as the rain stopped and the sun broke through the clouds . Not one to waste such beautiful weather in the midst of winter , I took Jazz for a second walk , much to her delight ! I spent a bit more time outside taking care of other important tasks because I knew the forecast was calling for a drastic drop in temperature the next day . Sure enough , this morning dawned with temperatures in the teens even though it had been 50s with I went to bed the night before . Such extreme temperature changes ushered in by ridiculously high winds seem unfortunately normal these days . It was too cold to walk Jazzmin even once today and I ventured outside as little as possible but I know the weather will rebound eventually . March is a temperamental month as if it knows that everyone is eager for spring and it wants to hang onto winter a bit longer . Regardless , the world around me is starting to reawaken as spring nears and I 'll take it one day at a time while looking forward to warmth and new beginnings . Share this : TwitterFacebookPinterestGoogleLinkedInEmailTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Beauty , Bird watching , Dog Training , Family , Fitness , inspiration , Motivation , Nature , Pets , Strength , Writing Yesterday was one of those breezy but glorious days . The high temperature was 62 degrees and the sky was full of big puffy clouds that occasionally blocked out the sun in the most breathtaking way . When I took Jazzmin out for our afternoon walk , I paused on the way back in the house to observe the way the wind was swirling the tall grass in the field behind my house into shimmering waves that seemed to breathe along with the breeze . The power and beauty of the wind is something I have always admired and it was extremely worthy of that admiration yesterday . Around 4 p . m . I felt this inner tug and voice telling me that I needed to spend some time outside . Knowing better than to ignore such feelings , I decided to lay a blanket down in the lawn in front of my smaller storage shed and sit on it for a while enjoying the beauty of the day . I hooked Jazzmin to her tree lead within a few feet of my blanket and she set about busily sniffing away at squirrel trails . With my thick green comforter spread out on the ground , I then spread myself out on it and laid on my back feeling the warmth of the sun on my face . By that time , the temperature had dropped into the mid - 50 's so I was wearing my sweatshirt , tank top and yoga pants . I was " sun bathing " completely clothed as it were and considering I 'm not a big fan of tanning it worked fine for me . I closed my eyes for a while feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and then eventually rolled over on my stomach to watch the huge cumulous clouds move over the back field like a thick , fluffy blanket . Dragonflies flew by periodically , I saw a few butterflies too , and amid the tall grass , I could see red - winged blackbirds , starlings and bobolinks flying up before disappearing back down into the grass . It was all so amazing and peaceful that I was glad I 'd made the time to go out and enjoy it . Another periodic visitor in my gaze were turkey vultures flying low over my house and then soaring up on the winds and out over the valley to the west . Eventually I decided to stand up and walk over to the western edge of my property so I could see where the turkey vultures were going . I was quite surprised to see at least 20 of the huge birds soaring at various heights over the properties down the hill from me . I surmised that there must have been appetizing roadkill somewhere down the road to attract so many of the scavengers . I understand that many people might find turkey vultures and the fact that they 're scavengers ugly , but I admire them for their huge wingspan , grace in the air and the essential role they play in the cycle of life . If we humans are going to keep hitting animals that try unsuccessfully to cross the road in front of our vehicles , the least we can do is show proper respect for the turkey vultures who clean up after our mess . I had just lowered my phone when I realized that one of the circling birds didn 't have the same shape as the turkey vultures . At first , I thought it was a hawk but then I saw that it was much too large . A moment later the sun came out from behind the latest swath of clouds and in the warm golden glow , I saw the white head and tail that revealed to me that I was looking at a bald eagle . My heart swelled in joy at the sight of the bird and when it broke off from the turkey vultures and flew northeast temporarily disappearing beyond the canopy of my trees I walked quickly toward my driveway to try to catch another glimpse of it . I was therefore elated when I saw that the bald eagle had turned and was now flying directly over me as I stood in my driveway . Tears immediately flowed from my eyes as I saw the great bird closer and there was no denying those beautiful white head and tail feathers . I held my phone up to take a couple pictures and hoped I got something recognizable because I couldn 't see anything in my viewfinder due to the glare . The tears were still streaming down my cheeks because I felt so blessed by the visit of the great bird and its powerful spirit and I didn 't even bother to wipe them away . I let the tears dry on my face as I sat back down on my blanket , overcome with feelings of awe and amazement . My heart and spirit pulsed with gratitude that the universe had sent me such a powerful messenger . Aloud I thanked the Creator , Great Spirit and my father 's spirit for reminding me once again that I haven 't been forgotten and that even though I might not know what it is yet , that I have an amazing destiny ahead of me . I am eternally glad that I listened to that inner voice yesterday telling me that I needed to sit in the lawn for a bit to enjoy the day and witness the beauty in the breeze . For the past few weeks if the forecast calls for overcast skies and / or rain , it 's pretty certain it will be overcast and / or rain . Even if the forecast doesn 't call for such conditions , it 's pretty certain they 'll arrive . Yesterday the forecast said fog in the morning then clearing and becoming mostly sunny . Well , it was certainly foggy in the morning but it never really cleared and I can count the times I saw the sun through the clouds on one hand . On top of that , the predicted high was 55 and it only got up to 46 . I was rather bummed because I really wanted to see the sun after days of cloudiness and rain . I didn 't have much hope for seeing the sun today as when I checked the forecast last night it was predicting rain and clouds all day long . However , when I woke up this morning , the sky appeared brighter than usual and lo and behold , when I looked out the window , I could see the sun ! I was so happy I almost did a little dance ! I managed to control myself though and went about the usual morning duties of waking the girls , making their breakfasts , packing their lunches and seeing them safely on the bus to school . You can bet I was smiling the whole time though ! After I did a couple freelance blog posts , the clouds had returned but the forecast had changed from all day rain to chance of scattered thunderstorms . I considered that a vast improvement ! As it wasn 't raining yet when I finished my work , I decided to tackle cleaning up and arranging my backyard bird oasis . I started the bird oasis two springs ago and every year it 's in the same spot , but always a little different . I put a little fence up around my bird feeder poles and I set planters of flowers around them with a fountain / bird bath in there somewhere . After mowing the grass that had grown a foot tall around the formerly fenced border of the bird oasis , I then arranged the area , put the little fence pieces back in the ground and filled the fountain / bird bath . Unfortunately , when I turned the fountain on , it didn 't work so I 'll need to buy a new pump to get it running again . Not a big issue and the fountain can serve as a water holder for now . True to form , I hung my bird feeders , crouched down to fix a few things and then stood up whacking my head on the bottom of one of the feeders . I just wouldn 't be me if I didn 't do that at least once and it 's usually more than once … Once the bird oasis was arranged , I had some lunch and then took Jazz for our daily walk . The sun popped out a few times as we walked , which helped warm the day up further . After the walk I eagerly spread the comforter out on my deck swing , grabbed my beading supplies and settled out on the swing to focus on beading up flower earrings . I hooked Jazzmin up to the lead I attached to the deck and as it 's long enough for her to sit in the grass next to the driveway , she happily stayed there watching for squirrels . Beading on that swing with the birds eating at the nearby feeders and Jazz on squirrel patrol nearby is one of my new favorite past times and I beaded away blissfully for a couple hours until I realized it was past dinner time . I wasn 't especially hungry yet , but I figured Jazz was so I brought her inside and got her dinner before assembling my own . Once I was done eating , I was back out on the swing , refusing to waste a single moment of warmth and periodic sunshine after being trapped inside for so many days lately . Eventually the sky turned rather dark , the temperature dropped and it started to sprinkle as a little rain cloud passed over so I decided it was time to call it a day and head inside the house . I took my beads inside and then went back out to fold up the comforter to bring inside and I realized that my cheeks were sore because I 'd been smiling so much while I was beading . My mind , body and spirit had really needed the warmer temperatures , sunshine and fresh air that I got a huge dose of today and although the forecast had been wrong , the day had gone very right ! Yesterday was a bright , beautiful , sunny spring day so I decided to sit out on my deck swing in the afternoon . The swing is rather large and can fold down flat into a bed , something I used to do more often when I wanted to take naps outside on nice days . The swing was a Mother 's Day gift many years ago when I was still married and although it wasn 't easy to relocate from my ex 's house to mine , I wasn 't about to leave it behind . Due to daily assault from sun , wind , rain and sometimes snow , I 've already had to replace the seat cushion and the original canopy ripped through a couple years ' ago . The current seat cushion is starting to rip too so I cover it with a bedspread when I sit out there and a few days ago I had the clever idea of using plastic tablecloths as a new canopy . I 've used a sheet in the past but that doesn 't keep the rain off if it 's sprinkling lightly and I want to stay outside , but the plastic tablecloths offer some protection , come in various colors and patterns and are easy to replace when they wear out . Jordan helped me put on the two new plastic tablecloths I purchased from the dollar store yesterday and I attached them to the canopy frame with some tablecloth clips and duct tape . Never underestimate the power of ingenuity and duct tape ! After placing a nice , thick , seashell - themed bedspread on the slightly ripped seat cover , I sat down on my swing and enjoyed the gentle rocking motion in the warm sunshine . I had a small notebook with me to jot down ideas for my jewelry designs and business plan and so I opened that up and started writing things out in cursive . I usually print my writing , but I periodically write in cursive so I don 't lose a writing ability that schools don 't seem to want to teach anymore . Both my printing and cursive are nearly impossible to read because I 'm left handed and my teachers didn 't know how to teach a lefty , but I can usually decipher it or make it more legible when I write slower . As I was writing , I started hearing little scraping sounds on the deck railing and I looked up to see a downy woodpecker hop - flying from one railing post to the next in an effort to creep closer to the suet feeder without me noticing . I have the frame from a child - size cushioned swing on my deck and although the seat part is gone , I hang bird feeders from the frame so I can see the birds when I looked out the window next to my desk . My cats love sitting on top of the bookshelf by that window to watch " Bird TV " too . A few minutes later Jaycie came outside and wanted to sit in the swing with me . She sat down next to me and I told her that if she sat very still , the woodpecker or other birds might come back and eat . Although Jaycie managed to sit quiet and still for a few minutes , no birds came to the feeders and she eventually grew bored and went down the deck steps to swing on the swing set ( her favorite outdoor activity . ) I didn 't really expect my 9 year old to be patient enough to wait for birds , but I 'm sure someday she 'll appreciate the merit of sitting still . Eventually Jaycie went back inside the house and I remained on the swing , writing in my little notebook . The longer I sat there , the more comfortable all sorts of birds became with me and within an hour , there were chickadees , nuthatches , sparrows , goldfinches , purple finches , blue jays , and downy woodpeckers frequenting the feeders . A pair of cardinals flew into the nearby trees , but they weren 't brave enough to come to the feeders and the male chose to sit in a branch and scold me for daring to sit near his feeders . Although I wasn 't sitting perfectly motionless because I continued to write in my notebook , the birds were no longer as afraid of me and I could quietly observe them as they came and went from the feeders . Chickadees are by far the bravest birds and a couple of them came to the feeder hanging on the big swing frame within arm 's reach of where I sat . Someday I hope the chickadees trust me enough to eat from my hands , but that hasn 't happened yet . I 'm sure with patience and perseverance , it will . Sitting still on a swing may seem like a waste of time to some people who feel the need to always be on the go , but to me it 's a necessity . I need my quiet time in nature to recharge my spirit and refocus my energy . Moreover , I was still being productive as I worked on ideas for my jewelry and practiced the dying art of cursive . You don 't always have to be moving and in a rush to accomplish great things , sometimes taking some time to sit still can carry you further on your journey than you imagine . There was snow on the ground yesterday morning but today started out warmer than it had been for the last week and it just got better from there ! The forecast calls for 50 's and 60 's all week with plenty of sunshine and the occasional rain . Rain is fine because we need it for things to start growing and to wash off the roads that are still white with salt . When Jaycie and I headed out for the bus this morning there was a hawk soaring in the sky and he glided from west to east upon the breeze as we watched . I told her that I gauge the arrival of spring by when I see the first turkey vulture because they don 't stick around our area all winter . When turkey vultures return and start gliding through the skies on their huge wings searching for roadkill and carcasses , then I believe that spring is truly on its way . A few hours after Jaycie got on the bus , a turkey vulture soared over the trees across the road and I smiled feeling as if the universe had heard my words this morning . Now that I 've seen those familiar scavengers soaring in the sky I 'm certain that spring is coming and that this nice weather isn 't just some cruel trick . I spent the morning working on my writing projects inside but by noon , I couldn 't resist the call of the beautiful outdoors any longer . I got Jazzmin strapped in her backpack , tied up my sneakers and grabbed a light sweatshirt because while it was 53 , the wind gusts were making it a bit cool to go without a coat . As Jazzmin and I walked , I heard the familiar songs of birds that had returned from their winter vacation to the south . I heard the songs of robins , red - winged blackbirds and killdeers . Although the " Winter Wonderland " song states " gone away is the bluebird " a few of my bluebirds never left and I heard their song all winter long . Now that it 's warmer , there will be more bugs around for the bluebirds to eat and they will be more plentiful , which always makes me happy . I feel a special connection to all the birds that frequent my feeders through the winter and into the spring and who make their homes on my property . Just through watching and listening to the birds in my yard an on our walks , I 've learned to identify various species by their song , size and plumage . Quite often I hear birds but don 't see them and I feel a small surge of satisfaction that I can recognize them just by their song . I 'm still not good at identifying the different types of hawks I see around because they 're not really fond of close observation , but eventually I 'll sort them out too . The weather yesterday made it feel like April instead of February and I took advantage of the mild temperatures by taking a nice long walk with Jazzmin . We went up the big hill , which we haven 't in many months and as we neared the hill , I saw a hawk sitting in the bare branches of a tree alongside the road . I 've become really good at spotting hawks from a distance now and I slowed my pace knowing he would fly off as soon as we got close . As soon as we were within 20 feet , he took off just as I 'd expected . I can 't take decent distance pictures with my camera phone , but I snapped a couple photos as he flew out of the tree and across the field next to the road . A bit further down the road I saw another hawk soaring in the sky and I stopped to watch his graceful movements as he rode the wind . I see hawks quite often and I know they 're one of my spirit guides / spirit guardians / animal totems . Seeing one is always a good omen and I take them as a sign that I 'm headed in the right direction with my life , my feelings and my thoughts . Hawks are like arrows pointing me on my way with their graceful , beautiful wings and I feel so blessed that they watch over me . Although today wasn 't as warm as yesterday , I took Jazz out on a walk because it 's my duty as her pack leader and it 's good for both of us . I 'd just reached the end of my driveway when I heard a hawk cry in the sky . I stopped and turned back toward my house , peering into the sky for the source of the cry . After a few moments of searching , I saw the hawk soaring high up amid the clouds and blue sky and I smiled . Happy that I 'd seen a hawk so early on our walk , I headed down the road and glanced toward where the hawk had been . Much to my surprise , I realized there were two more hawks flying with the first hawk . By the time I reached the end of my road , there were four hawks circling in the sky and they had broken up into two couples . I stopped again and just watched them in awe because it had been quite a while since I saw four hawks flying together . When we returned to my house , I felt even more blessed as I saw that the four hawks continued to circle near my home . The couples had broken apart , one set soaring over the road down the hill and the other soaring over the field behind my house . I was honored that they remained nearby and I 'm certain they 're an indication of positive things yet to come in my life . With my future traveling on wings of arrows , I know that everything will be just fine . Usually when I ask to see a specific animal as a sign I ask for a hawk , heron , eagle , owl or butterfly . I can honestly say I 've never asked to see a turkey , but I certainly take it as a sign when I see them . Lately I 've been seeing quite a few turkeys and this tells me that the universe is trying to send me a message . There 's a family of turkeys that lives on the farmer 's land behind my house and for the past month or more , I 've seen them crossing the field almost every day . Sometimes there are two adult turkeys , sometimes there are four , and at last count , there were eight baby turkeys . I enjoy watching them move across the field and often find their feathers when I take Jazzmin on walks up the farmer 's access road . Outside of the field behind my house , I 've also been seeing turkeys on my trips to New England . During the July trip with my girls to New England a turkey flew across the road on the drive out in an area where they 'd had to blast away rock to make room for the road . On our most recent trip , I saw two turkeys in the shoulder of the expressway just standing in the grass . Then later a male turkey crossed the road right in front of us when we were on our way back from lunch at Friendly 's in Amesbury . He came out of the tree shadows on a sunny day so I almost didn 't see him in time to stop , but when I did stop , he just gave me an unimpressed look and walked nonchalantly across the road . This past Saturday evening I decided to take Jazzmin for a walk up the farmer 's road and we 'd only walk about 50 feet up it when I started hearing rustling in the grass field on the other side of the trees . I stopped to listen and soon heard inquisitive clucking noises . Rising up on my tiptoes , I was just able to see a male turkey 's head looking at me over the slight rise at the edge of the road . Smiling I settled back onto the heels of my feet and decided to stand there and wait quietly for him to continue his journey . As we stood there listening , I heard the rustling move a bit further down the tree line and within moments , a single male turkey emerged from the trees and crossed the farmer 's road . Two more adult turkeys followed and then the younger turkeys scampered quickly across the road , some of them taking flight because they were unsure if we were going to move toward them . I don 't know if you 've ever seen a turkey fly , but they 're not the most graceful creatures and I always admire their efforts to get airborne . I was smiling through the whole experience while Jazz whimpered a bit because she wanted to chase the big birds and I wouldn 't let her . Once the turkeys were gone , we turned back down the trail and continued our walk where we saw several butterflies , deer and a hawk . It was certainly one of the most interesting walks I 've had in a while ! Turkeys are a symbol of abundance and the universe is going to great efforts to remind me of the abundance in my life with all the recent turkey sightings . I know I have many blessings and the universe wants me to remember them all even when I go through tough times . I have two amazing daughters , a great family , good friends , a loving loyal pup , three cats that make my life a daily adventure , my own home and a job as a writer , which is so much more than I ever imagined I 'd have . Despite any challenges I face , I will continue to have a good heart , the best intentions , a strong spirit , a vibrant energy and the stubbornly tenacious willpower that 's gotten me this far and that will carry me into whatever the future holds . Took a few tries but I finally got a good shot of my girls . 10 year old on the left , 14 year old on the right . 😊 . . . fb . me / JbOLtcR1Posted 2 days ago Took a few tries but I finally got a good shot of my girls . 10 year old on the left , 14 year old on the right . 😊 . . . fb . me / zIZS4t88Posted 2 days ago Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

My mommy and daddy took me to our nation 's capitol for some sniffing and peeing . It was a fun trip . I got to pee on some real famous spots . We started at the Vietnam Memorial . I peed on a couple of the posts , but my daddy wouldn 't let me ' go ' on the wall , not sure why . Then chased some ducks at the Declaration of Independence exhibit before going to the WW II Memorial . There were a lot of people there , so it was hard to find a quiet spot , but I managed to get one of the pillars . I then got to go to the Washington Monument ( pictured at the left ) . We walked the entire perimeter , my daddy tried to get me to ' go ' on it but I was saving it up for . . . the National Christmas tree . It 's a big , big tree , a dog could really lose himself in there . But to my bitter disappointment , it is all fenced in - I got so close , but yet so far . We walked around there for a bit ; I tried to lift my leg on the cute little manger scene , but daddy whisked me away before I got a chance . We ended the day at the Einstein exhibit , but I had nothing left for Albert . All in all , a great day . Here 's a story sure to warm even the hardest of hearts . We all need these uplifting stories in this the age of global warming , imperialistic wars over oil , and increasing corporate greed . Yes , Armani the monkey is being returned to his loving owner . Armani , you may recall , was ripped from his owners arms by the authorities . Now the courts have ruled that Armani can return to her and play in his own private playground again . The story is heartwarming in one sense , but cautionary in another . In this , the age of Bush and Cheney , when the authorities can literally kick down your door and steal a cute little monkey , what 's next , Cockapoos ? http : / / www . gazette . net / stories / 121207 / montnew54142 _ 32356 . shtml I 've been silent on this subject up until now . It took a while to get over the shock . Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months ! ! Can you imagine that - 23 months . For MULTIPLE HOMICIDE ? Why not throw in T - Bone steaks , smothered with beef gravy every day ? And ice cream sundaes ? If we , as a society , have become that unconcerned about man 's best friend , well , I 'm afraid we 've ' gone to the dogs ' ( so to speak ) . http : / / www . boston . com / sports / articles / 2007 / 12 / 11 / vicks _ sentence _ 23 _ months / OK , I 've said my piece . Tommy My mom e - mailed me . Maybe it clears it up . I included her e - mail , unedited . You can decide for yourselves . " Dearest Tommy , You shouldn 't believe anything that Gizmo says . He 's the kind of dog , how should I say this . . . well , after you wrestle him , you better count the studs on your collar . This dog , Gizmo , he 's always got an angle . He plays cards with the Dobermans all the time , for BIG steaks ( sic ) . It 's been alleged that it 's not beneath him to pull a card or two out from under his fur , which he conveniently keeps longer than average . He 's a gutsy poodle , I 'll give him that ; if the Dobermans ever catch him in the act , I 'm afraid it 's goodbye Gizmo . Well , Tommy , he 's been pulling this dramatic " I 'm you 're pa " stunt with nearly all the newly adopted Autumn View Farm puppies . Once he learned about Trouble 's $ 12 , 000 , 000 trust fund ( you know , Leona Helmsley 's Maltese dog named Trouble ) , he 's been trying to find an angle to get himself in on the action . He 's been trying to ingratiate himself with a well - to - do family , get off the farm and adopted , and maybe cash in on his own big trust fund . So Tommy , my adorable little puppy , Gizmo is not your dad . He 's just not my type . As I 've told you before , Cody is your dad . Love , Mom Cherokee " OK , yea , I did read about Trouble . Here is a link where you can read about it yourself . Some lucky dog , huh ? But you know what they say , money can 't buy happiness . I wonder if Trouble has anyone to wrestle or play ghost dog or ruff bowling with ? http : / / biz . yahoo . com / ap / 070829 / helmsley _ s _ pooch . html Posted by I received a very surprising e - mail from Gizmo , one of the miniture poodles of Autumn View Farm . I copied the contents below . " I been reading the blog you done set up . You got it all wrong , I 'm your pa , not that Cody bloke . Your ma and me , well we was quite a pair . Cody 's good for nothin , don 't believe nothin he says . Maybe I come visit you in virginia some day , then we can catch up like father and son should . We can wrestle a bit and I teach you some good moves . Your real dad , Gizmo . " Gosh , I don 't know what to make of this . I 'm very confused right now , I don 't even look like Gizmo . I just want to clear this up . Many of you have been asking - " so Tommy , who do you like for human president ? " I didn 't want to respond too hastily , this is , after all , my first presidential campaign . I 've given the matter a lot of thought and done quite a bit of research ( what else do I have to do with my time during the day ? ) . At this stage . . . drum roll please . . . I 'm prepared to throw my substantial weight behind Hillary Clinton . I found this web site that clearly lists where each candidate stands on the major issue of the day . Hillary has what it takes , a nice , friendly looking dog , one that wouldn 't bully me in the dog park . He looks like the kind of dog you can sit down with and enjoy a bowl of Alpo . And from this picture it 's obvious Hillary has made a very happy , stable home life for her family and dog . As for those other candidates , Richardson 's got two cats ( nuff said ) ; Huckabee 's hunting dog sounds scary ; Chris Dodd - wait a minute , who is he , again ? ; McCain just can 't make up his mind ; Romney with his horses - who cares ? But the worst one , that Obama , he 's got no pets and he 's already making promises he has no intention of keeping . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Here 's that web site I was telling you about and I copied the important stuff below the link , so you can read for yourself . http : / / www . visitmypet . com / action / content / Presidential _ PetsDemocratsHillary Clinton owns a chocolate lab named Seamus . Bill Richardson has two tabby cats , Jackie and Squeaky . Chris Dodd and Barack Obama have no pets , though Obama has promised his kids a dog . RepublicansMike Huckabee has a hunting dog , Jet , and a shih tzu , Sonic . Mitt Romney 's wife owns horses . Sam Brownback has his two cats , a Lab / blue heeler mix named Twinkle , a miniature Dachshund , Emma and a fish named Marvin Three . John McCain owns three turtles , three parakeets , a ferret , two dogs , a cat and 13 salt water fish . Scary , but true story . http : / / www . newburyportnews . com / punews / local _ story _ 305234256 . html " Rags , a 17 - pound cockapoo , a cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle , who belongs to Donna and Martin Seim , went missing the morning of Oct . 24 after the 2 - year - old pup ran out of his Middle Road home to chase deer . . . " At long last , Sunday morning a man was walking his dog near the landfill when a small , scared - looking dog ran out of the woods and whimpered . The man knew it was Rags right away , the Seims said , and called them to let them know his whereabouts . " I think I 've learned my lesson . I 'm not running off after any more squirrels unless I 'm safely on my leash . Just glad to hear Rags is OK ( kind of a dopey name , though , ' Rags . ' Not a cool name like ' Tommy . ' Cherokee , my mom , e - mailed me pictures of the new puppies , my new half brothers and sisters . Mom and dad , that is Cherokee and Milktoast , down there on Autumm View Farm , are very proud . I asked my human daddy and he said we can have one . We are going to Mt . Airy this weekend and pick one out . He said I get to choose . I 'm kinda undecided . Which one do you think I should take ? I see that my appeal worked for this other Tommy the Cockapoo . I just noticed on the web site that ' Adoption Pending ' for this little guy . http : / / www . cockerspanielrescue . com / dogs / dogs . phpNow he can get his cararact operation . If you are the one who was summoned to act on my appeal , give us all a shout in the ' Comments ' . We 'd all like to hear from you and give you our hearty ' thanks ' [ This is just gonna break your heart ] I was browsing the internet and look what I found - a furry little cockapoo , and he 's named Tommy , just like me ! But that 's where the similarity stops . This Tommy hasn 't had the good life , like I have . He 's had a mean mom all these years and now he 's looking for a real home and a new owner who can pay for his cataract operation . Here 's the web link . You 'll see little Tommy towards the bottom . Just click on his page to read his heart rending bio . http : / / www . cockerspanielrescue . com / dogs / dogs . phpSo if you 're a human out there , and you 've read my blog and you 're convinced that a small furry cockapoo is the way to go ( yes , he also has floppy ears and a short stubby tail , just like me , and his teeth don 't look so straight , neither ) , and you got one thousand bucks to pay for that cataract operation , you should consider adopting this little guy . Just follow the web link which will tell you how . Thank you for opening your heart . Tommy ( the caramel cockapoo ) Poor Cody . He really got beat up bad by Milktoast . I 've learned my lesson . Fighting 's not the answer ( though I do enjoy friendly wrestling once in a while ) . Daddy , hope you get better soon . Everyone out there , please send your ' get well ' wishes to him at cody @ autumnviewfarm . com . My groomer came again yesterday and trimmed my fur . I feel good and everyone says I look cute . But what 's the deal - she gave me a ' B ' again . I overheard her telling my daddy that she marked me down because I was scared of the reverse vacuum cleaner she used on me . Duhhh - maybe she shoulda marked herself down for using such a brutal instrument on a small , furry cockapoo . I 'm very proud to report that my anal glands were in good shape . Not every dog can say that , now can they ? See the picture . I know my Daddy would like for me to do this - fetch , that is . But , hey , it 's just not my thing . Some dogs are big , some small . Some dogs are furry , some not . Some wear stupid pink collars , some not . We dogs are not all cut from the same mold - what a boring world that would be . I happen to prefer not to fetch . I like being chased , that 's my thing . What 's my point ? Well I 've come under a lot criticism , from my human mommy and daddy , from Cody , etc . And I just wish everyone would cut me some slack and let me be the cockapoo I am . Comments ? Yesterday seemed an ordinary Saturday morning . We slept in late , I got a nice walk around the neighborhood . Then my daddy got me all excited , yelling ' bye - bye , bye - bye ' . Cool , I thought , let 's do it . Off we went and I thought we would go on a nice hike or something . But no , we arrive at my doctor 's office . There were a lot of nice dogs around and I enjoyed sniffing them . Then , it 's my turn to go into ' the Room . ' The next thing you know , this lady pulls out ' the Stick ' - you know the one I 'm talking about . She starts to chase me around the room , and I said ' NO ' , well , at least as best as a dog can . I put my tail firmly between my legs and crawled under the chair my mom was sitting in . In dog language , that clearly means ' I don 't wanna . ' But then the lady comes at me with an evil grin , yanks me out from under the chair , and proceeds to sodomize me . Why doesn 't she understand that ' NO ' means ' NO ' ? Well , this sort of thing goes on all the time to us dogs , as the world stands by and does nothing . How come in the human world , it 's a major crime , a front page story , and it happens to us cockapoos and everyone thinks it 's ha - ha , funny ? Like that poor human in New York City a few years ago - you know , Abner Louima ( http : / / www . karisable . com / crlebcal . htm ) . He 's the guy who was brutalized by the NYC cops . That 's a big deal , a major scandal for then mayor Rudy Guiliani ( who incidentally is currently running for human president ) . Well , this Abner fellow ends up receiving $ 10 million in a lawsuit . What do I get ? KIBBLES . It 's time to take a stand everyone . This shouldn 't be happening to dogs , not in the 21st century . Posted by Ahhhhhhhhh . Just the sight of it gives me relief . Here I am posing with my favorite ' pee - post ' down the street , around the corner . The sniff of it gives me this overwhelming urge to urinate . But I gotta go fast , because sometimes this mean man with the two dopey looking poodles comes out and yells at me . Hey everybody - it 's me , Tommy . You know , I love my backyard . It 's a great place to sniff , run , lift my leg , and play with my toys , all in a wooded setting , the kind of setting that helps bring out my inner dog . You know what they say . . . " you can take the dog out of the woods , but you can 't take the woods out of the dog . " So after all this time , I know every inch of my backyard , every toy , every tree ( yep , I 've gotten them all ) , etc . But this yellow thing here , the one pictured , it 's got me baffled . It looks like something left by a space alien . Once in a while , my daddy takes me on the leash back there and just stands there until I lift my leg . I don 't know why he does it . I sniff it , it smells awful . Then , I stand around for a few moments , then what the hey , I 'm not going to stand here like a dope forever , so I water the tree next to it . It 's then I 'm led away , my daddy muttering something , and finally taken off the leash to run and play . Anyone out there in the blogosphere got a clue ? What is it ? D - Day has come and gone , folks . I 'm still here in McLean , here for another year . I 'm one happy pup and the whole experience has given me a new perspective . Yep , I 'm gonna be extra good , no more struggling in the bath , no more struggling when my daddy puts that goop in my ear , and maybe I 'll even fetch the ball once in a while . And you , dear reader , will have another year of Tommy 's BLOG - that is , computer access here , but no way down there on Autumn View Farm . It 's Dog - Day ( D - Day for short ) . It 's really here . It 's wonderful to think I 've been here for a whole year . But I 've been so scared all day - today 's the day misbehaving cockapoos can be returned to their original owners . I was in my crate this morning , minding my own business , when the door went ' beep - beep ' . That nice girl from next door came by , but I was scared that maybe she came to take me away . But she just walked me and played with me and that was fun . Only a few more hours to go till the end of D - Day . I 'll be happy when this day is over ! Uh - Oh . That day is coming up , October 8 , my one year anniversary in this wonderful home in McLean . I overheard my daddy talking about D - Day ( for ' Dog Day ' ) coming up , and how every year on D - Day , owners are permitted to return misbehaving cockapoos to their original owners . Well , I 've been real good , except for a few times , and I 've tried real hard . Mommy , Daddy , if you are reading this , I really like it here and I will try to be better if you let me stay - OK ? By the way , I looked up ' D - Day ' on the world wide web and found this ominous picture . It captures the spirit of what may be in store for me if I have to go back to Autumn View Farm ( though I do miss my mom , Cherokee ) . Hello from the blogoshphere ! ! I got groomed again this week . My mommy and daddy tell me I look really cute . I thought I overheard my daddy whispering to my mommy ( they thought I couldn 't hear but they don 't realize how good my ears are , especially after the groomer cleaned them ) that she took off too much fur . But I feel good . It feels about right to me . But let 's get down to the main point , here . Of all the audacity , my groomer gives me a report card , like she 's judging me or something . And lookie here , she only gave me a ' B ' . What an indignation , in puppy school , I got straight ' A 's . From her comment , I 'm led to believe she graded me down for my behavior in the bath . Well EXCUSE MEEEEE ! ! First she had the water too hot , so I yelped and struggled to get out . Then she had the water too cold , so I tried to get out . She finally got it right , but got soap in my eyes . So I again struggled to get out so I could rub it out . After that , I behaved like a perfect cockapoo , and her comments bear that out . When we 're all done , she pats me on the tush , but doesn 't give me any treat , nor squeaky toy , no nothing . As I understand it , ( and I understand plenty , let me tell you ) , it 's my mommy and daddy who pay HER . She 's the one who should be getting the grade . So here goes : My Doggie Says : My hands were cold and I got soap in his eyesDoggie Remaks : She was cute ( no doubt ) , but she didn 't give me a toyMy groomer 's report card : ' D ' I 'll try harder next time ( but my doggie loves me anyway ) I 'm going to share a little bit of myself here , I don 't think I ever shared this with anyone before . I don 't think it was any secret that when my human mommy and daddy first brought me home , I was a bit down in the dumps . I missed my mom , Cherokee , very much . And maybe even my dad , Cody , just a little bit , even though he never acknowledged me as his son . But I became truly depressed the next day when I made my first trip to the doctor . She is a very nice lady , even though she puts that small stick up my behind every time I see her . But the first thing she told my mommy and daddy is that I have an UNDERBITE and can 't be a show dog . You gotta understand , when I was just a little pup , Cherokee would rock me to sleep and tell me stories of how I would be a great champion cockapoo some day . And along comes this doctor and reality slaps me hard in the face . I want so bad to live up to her dreams for me . I posted a recent picture of me . So what do you think - do I really have an underbite ? So I started searching the internet for solutions . And check this out , it 's not impossible . Doggies like me can get braces : http : / / www . cyberpet . com / dogs / articles / lexi / bitesbrackets . htmThe article says most vets won 't do it unless the dog is in pain . No problem , I 'll just pretend , get it ? So what do you think ? Should I get the braces or not ? My mommy and daddy are no doubt complaining that I am not eating my kibbles . Well , it 's not that I don 't like my dog food . I 'm just too scared , what with all these kibble poisoning scares . Here , read the latest , from Mars dog food , makers of good old American M & Ms , no less : http : / / www . marketwatch . com / news / story / dog - food - recalled - possible - salmonella / story . aspx ? guid = % 7BE7CA167B - 7CD6 - 420A - B98D - 4693F44F3552 % 7D Mars Petcare US Inc . , a division of food company Mars Inc . , perhaps best - known for its candy bars , is recalling 5 - pound bags of Krasdale Gravy dry dog food with a best - by date of July 16 and 17 , 2008 , that were sold in Connecticut , Massachusetts , New Jersey , New York and Pennsylvania . . . Symptoms in pets with Salmonella infections can include lethargy , diarrhea , fever and vomiting . No thank you . The kibbles must be the reason I barfed in the car on our recent trip . I 'll stick with McDonalds hamburgers , turkey , and swiss . http : / / content . hamptonroads . com / story . cfm ? story = 130640 & ran = 22638 As you can tell from the linked story , time is running out for Michael Vicks dogs : The federal government is preparing to dispose of most of the dogs seized from Michael Vick 's Surry County property during its investigation into a dogfighting operation . . . If no one steps forward to claim ownership , the case will move to a federal judge who has two options : sell the dogs or dispose of them " by other humane means . " Other humane means usually results in killing the dogs , animal rights experts say . Please , see if you can find it in your hearts to take in one or two of these cute , cuddly doggies . My mommy and daddy are going to take one . . . yup , that 's right , I 'm going to have another BIG BROTHER , this one of the pit bull variety . One question , though . The news story doesn 't mention what 's to become of Michael Vick 's fighting cockapoos . What 's to become of them ? It 's vacation season . Being a modern , active cockapoo , I need a break just like everyone else . I 'm away right now , but will try to update the blog when I can . I am staying with my Grandma and Grandpa in Cape Coral . They are so old . . . get this . . . they still have dial - up internet ! ! ! So it 's painful to browse the internet for interesting news from the human and canine worlds , log in , and keep you , my faithful readers , up to date . But I 'll do my best . My mommy and daddy put me in the car for what I thought would be a simple trip to my favorite store , Petsmart . But we just kept driving . . . and driving . . . and driving . My stomach got a little queasy at one point , and I barfed a little . No problem , it was just a lousy kibble breakfast I heaved . Along the way , I got to stop and sniff at several interesting places . Then we came to a place for the night . There were a lot of strange and scary people , so I did a lot of barking to scare them off and protect my mommy and daddy . Don 't worry , they 're fine . We went to a cool restaurent , but they wouldn 't let me eat there , so we ate beside the pool . More strange people , but I kept everything cool . The the next day , we got back in the car and what did we do ? Drive . . . and drive . . . and drive . We stopped for a good lunch at my favorite restaurant , the one with those funny yellow arches , then did some more driving . Then we finally arrived at grandma 's . I hadn 't met her before , so when she opened the door , I barked at her . Then I realized it is my grandparents , so I settled in and they have been nice to me , nicer than everyone else in my family . They kept throwing me in the pool . " Wouldn 't it be funny to see if Tommy can swim . " Well , ha , ha , ha . Yes , I can swim , I 'm a dog , for God 's sake . But I don 't like it in that pool , and daddy , if you 're reading this , don 't throw me back in or else I won 't let you scratch me behind my ears anymore . Well , gotto go . My big brother wants the computer ( so what else is new ? ) . I 'm back ! ! ! I 'll try to post as often as I can , but may have trouble getting on - line . My big brother and big sister are home all day this week and hogging both computers . I do like them being home , but wish they would share the computers more with me . Had a great time at Happy Tails for the last two weeks . Maybe I 'll post more on that later . But unfortunately , I came home with a cough . I think Bubba the Terrier was spreading all the diseases . Now , on a more serious topic , my owners bided their time in Israel whilst I vacationed . I glanced through some of the pictures they brought home . They are quite interesting , but I was horrified by this one . OK , I get it , maybe there are some places we dogs shouldn 't go . But what exactly does that mean - ' will be dealt with ? ' As I understand it , this photo was taken in Israel , at a park overlooking the Mediterranean Sea , north of Tel Aviv . Does that kind of language sound familiar ? Just substitute the word ' Jew ' for the word ' dog ' and I think you 'll catch my drift . As I don 't think I 'll be visiting Israel any time soon . I 'll be on vacation for the next couple of weeks . Don 't know if I 'll have access to a computer , but if I do , I 'll post some updates . In the meantime , what do you think of Abby ? Can you believe she was voted ' Dog of the Week . ' With that kind of competition , no doubt , I 'll be coming home with the trophy . Peace out , Tommy I think it 's time to eliminate the ' M ' word ( you know , MU * T ) from our vocabulary . It 's hurtful and it 's derogatory . We dogs with parents of different breeds prefer the term ' DIVERSE BREED ' . There is nothing more painful for me than to go to the dog park and hear the other dogs refer to me with that M word ( like they 're so high and mighty ) . So please , the next time you see a dog like me , for instance with a poodle for a daddy and a cocker spaniel for a mommy , be careful how you refer him or her . We dogs may not always show it , but we are sensitive . Thank you . Check out the great card from me to my Daddy . It came in the mail yesterday . He opened it , was very happy , he hugged me , and told me I was a good dog for thinking of him . Only trouble is . . . I didn 't send it . How could I ? It was postmarked from suburban Maryland , where I haven 't been since I left Autumn View Farm in Mt . Airy where I spent my early months . So the question is , who dunnit ? I 'm not mad or anything , it was a nice card and daddy scratched me extra behind my ears . But I 'd just like to know . So if it was you , you can leave me a comment or give me a shout - out at tommythecockapoo @ cox . net . I was told I was named after a ' Tommy Lasorda ' , and this is a picture of the only person I could find on the internet by that name . It looks like some fat guy in pajamas . It 's got to be a mistake . Anyone got a clue ? Posted by Hey , check it out . I was just groomed - a bath , trim , the works . It was kinda strange . I 'm used to being dragged to some place and shoved in a small crate to be groomed . But this time , a big van driven by a nice lady , came to my house . I went inside and she bathed me ( I didn 't like that part ) and then clipped me - all right in my front yard . And then she gave me a new squeaky toy , patted my on the head , and said I was a good boy . It was fun . So what do you think , how do I look ? I just received an e - mail from my mother , Cherokee . She sent a picture of herself and I 'm so thrilled that I had to post it right away . Isn 't she pretty ? I 'm going to print this off , frame it , and hang it in my crate . I was browsing the internet today , and came across this disturbing story : http : / / edition . cnn . com / 2007 / US / law / 07 / 17 / vick / Let me first say that I 'm not completely against dog fighting , per se . While I 'm not a fighter , myself , I 'm not one to tell another dog he can 't earn a living . But this seems just seems like wanton exploitation of my brethren and I don 't think these dogs wanted to fight , but were made to . This Michael Vick is a bad person : " Vick himself participated in the killings of eight dogs in April , accordingto the indictment . The animals were killed " by various methods , includinghanging , drowning and slamming at least one dog 's body to the ground , " theindictment said . " OUCH . Look at the picture . I think I see some cockapoos in the cage . That 's just not right . We cockapoos aren 't fighters ; we 're much better at being house dogs , sleeping , being chased , eating , and maybe a little light wrestling for fun . Hello . Beautiful day in McLean . We slept in late . I tried to sneak onto the bed a few times , but it didn 't work . But I slept comfortably . I wanted to present my bonifides to the blogging world - my puppy school diploma . I 'll open with a very controversial subject - canine rights . My Daddy showed me the trailer to a new blockbuster movie , Underdog . I really want to see the movie , but Daddy told me that dogs are not allowed in movie theaters and I will have to wait until the movie comes out on DVD before I can see it . Do you realize that even the dog who plays underdog will not be allowed to see his own movie in the theater ? This is only the latest in a long list of canine rights abuses . So what do you think ? Should dogs be allowed to see movies in the theaters with people ? Let me know what you think . I am a small , furry cockapoo , with floppy ears and a short , stubby tail . I was born to Cody and Cherokee at Autumn View Farm in Mt . Airy , MD . When I was still a small puppy , a nice family from McLean , VA came and took me away to live with them . I miss Cherokee , but I have a very fulfilling life here .

So , today is December 14 , 2011 . I found out on Monday . I 'm about to poop my pants every time I think about it . I can 't think straight . I made chilli today , and wiped the knife off with my sweat shirt sleeve , and then put my contacts in and wiped my eye off with that same shirt sleeve . I 've been a mess ever since . I went in for a blood test yesterday . They called me last evening to confirm . They told me that I need to go in for another blood test on Thursday to make sure the numbers are doubling up like they should be . I will also schedule my first appointment at this point . I 'm pregnant . Yes , it 's what I wanted . But it 's sort of like when you really really wanted that Skip It ! when you were 7 . Sure you practiced your saxophone everyday for 5 months to get one , but once you had it you realized it was sort of a short lived love affair since the almost albino kid down the street decided to play with it . Then he broke it and his family all wouldn 't admit he did and so I was left with NO skip it ! , and one excellent set of skills on the smooth sounds of Kenny G . Am I really comparing my unborn child to a skip it ! ? Yes . Because at this point it 's more like 10 months of saxophone lessons , while playing the drums at the same time . ( Charlie is the drums , which I am now realizing is a horrible thing to use as an analogy due to the fact that you hit them . I don 't hit Charlie for the record . ) Then , I finally DO get the " skip it ! , " but I can 't stop playing the drums ! I worry there won 't be enough of me . I fear the end of pregnancy with Charlie active and running around . I don 't know where I will find the energy . Hell , I don 't even know where I will be . My first pregnancy was how I imagine snails to feel when they are sliming around leaving their booger trail . BTW I am still scarred by the amount of snails in England . I have NEVER encountered as many slugs and snails . They were also the size of an adult male finger . There 's just so much uncertainty in these next few months . Chad will be divorcing the Army , with lots of dramatic flare , like throwing their clothes on the proverbial lawn , and going out to bars talking about how bad they treated him . We will be on the hunt for a job , and scrambling to pay our bills in the mean time . Then , I am adding in baby number 2 . We are going to need an SUV . It 's already like a sardine can traveling with 2 dogs and a baby . My insides feel like Danny Devito looks . If you don 't know what that means , it 's sort of like a college hangover from keg beer . It could come out either end , and the bad feelings come on unexpectedly and leave just as fast . Then you are left with some strange soreness that you aren 't sure why you have , to later find out it was because you were throwing up off a deck railing and the railing was the only thing suspending you from face planting onto a holly bush . The soreness is also due in part to the level of heaving you have accomplished , and the diarrhea you swear you will never have again from friggin Milwaukee 's Best keg beer . I 'm not even sure they made keg beer . But they did make parties at our house . The weird cravings are setting in . I want Chipotle , chili , and pepper steak , followed by sour cream and onion Pringles . I crave Pringles once a year , mostly because why would you crave them ? You either want chips or tater tots , but somehow Pringles seem to be this weird love child they made together . I knew I was pregnant before the tests started coming up positive . There was a candle inside a drawer in my bedroom , and I made Chad locate it and move it . We are about to drive up to Ohio . No one in the family knows about bambie 2 . I wrote that last part before we told errbody . I 've decided that errbody needs to make a comeback . After all , there were a lot of errbody 's in da club gettin tipsy . We told both of our parents the same way . It was amazing . I had told my mom I wasn 't pregnant , so we decided to use dirty pee pee sticks as Christmas gifts . We wrapped them up tightly in a few layers of paper . My mom got to the pregnancy stick and got all pissed off . She said " It 's not funny to give this stuff to old ladies . " Then she looked at the result window and started crying . Hahaha My Dad asked how old the test was . Things I learned on this trip home : I don 't HATE the idea of moving to Ohio . I just need a 3 hour barrier between my Mom and myself . That being said , I will probably need her when Lil ' Bay comes along . Yes , my friends I have named # 2 . Due to my recent obsession with Lil ' Wayne I felt I would pay homage to him . Our final destination is the west coast , but if Chad takes a job in Ohio we are still a few hundred miles closer to Cali , and NOT in Crapstown , NC . To make the best trip time you must : pee in a McDonalds cup , drive at night , make no stops . Don 't travel on Christmas . I peed in several gravel lots between Ohio and NC because we couldn 't get our McDonalds pee cup because there was not a single McDonalds open . This year Chad learned about my ghost of Christmas past . Growing up , kids asked me tons of questions about being Jewish . Let 's do a brief synopsis as to why everyone thought that we were Jewish . Every year , we would pack up and head to south Florida for the holidays , we never had a Christmas tree , and we never put up lights . The questions started around first grade . At first I would say , " I 'm not Jewish ! " By the 3rd or 4th grade of dealing with this , I started just making up answers . Kid on bus , " What 's a dradle ? " Me , " It 's a pair of girls underwear . " ( sing the song , it will make you giggle ) Until this year , Chad didn 't really know how bare bones my childhood Christmas experience was . My Mom waited until we got to her house to decorate her newly purchased tree . She made Chad and my brother in law head down to the basement to retrieve the ONE box of decorations we own . Chad and my brother in law sat in disbelief as we unpacked the 12 ornaments , and 2 Christmas candles my grandma made in 1982 . Then , Chad shed a singular tear , as my sister and I sniffed the candle and both said , " It smells like Christmas ! " As we were walking into the place we saw her . . . . Chad 's boss came walking passed us . . Her jerry curl in full effect ( she 's not black so no , I 'm not being racist ) and she was all nicey nice . She said , " Hi ! How are you guys doing ? ! ? " To which I replied with , a long blank stare and awkward silence . We continued walking into the facility . From the outside we were impressed . We walked into the place , and thought , wow for a military hall this is really nice . We saw the nice dining area and were immediately excited to see what we were in for . We were then escorted to where we would be dining . It was in the back of the facility , and it was a small gymnasium with those weird wrestling floor mats , and it smelled like sweat , and balls . The lady that organized the event walked in . . . . She was wearing HEAD TO TOE DENIM . Like , it was a jean jacket with puffy shoulders , and a bell skirt all made of dark colored denim . She looked like the princess from Super Mario Brother 's except made of denim . What 's the best part of Super Mario Bros ? Denim denim denim . ( think of the theme song doo doo , dunn dunn , dunn dunn . ) Chad 's boss tried to sit at our table . I kept making awkward long stares until she would look away . THAT ' S RIGHT B I ' M THE ALPHA ! She then got up and walked around aimlessly looking for other people to chime in with . The tone of her voice is also similar to that of a black crow . This lady is that type of conversationalist that just repeats the last 4 words of your sentence and adds a " yeayah yeayah " at the end . Yeayah yeayah , yeayah yeayah at the end ! She kept commenting on how much Charlie looked like Chad . To which I replied at one point , " Well , I had sex with Chad to make this baby , so usually they do look like their parents . " To which she replied , " yeayah yeayah look like their parents ! " Ca - caaaw ! It came time to find out what treats we would be dining on for the evening . She was sitting in some lurker chairs behind the actual tables , and when they dismissed our table to go eat . . . . she offered to HOLD CHARLIE . I promptly responded to her face , " Heck no ! " Chad stayed back , and I used all my server skillz to score us 2 plates of food and 2 drinks . I wish we had only gotten one . It actually smelled like Charlie 's baby food . It was like bad church food mixed with a little vomit , and a lot of water . Seriously , there was no need for teeth . The turkey was canned , and was floating around in gravy that looked more like rubber cement . The turkey also came in cubes . There was macaroni and cheese , stuffing that had the same consistency as the gravy , and hush puppies . Yes , my friends , welcome to the south . Hush freakin ' puppies . I guess the cornmeal was the veggie . Ca - Caaaaw ! Back to Chad 's boss . . . she sat in the lurker chair the entire time we ate , staring at Charlie . Smiling at him , and Charlie stared back . When Charlie is unsure of someone , he just open mouth stares at them with this blank stoic glare . That 's exactly what he was doing . It was awesome . Even my baby is judging you lady . It got to be 7 : 30 with an hour drive ahead of us . So , I started just being a jerk and saying loudly , " If this really is a family event , they will understand if we leave to put our son to bed since it 's already past his bedtime . " Finally , the crow says , " Yea yea it 's past his bed time ! Ca - caaaw ! " So , I just packed us up and we left . Ca - Caaaw ! I can count on one hand the number of people that I have hated with such a passion that I wanted to do bad things . . . very bad things . The first one pissed me off unknowingly . It really wasn 't her fault but I just couldn 't help it . In the 5th grade I had to do a diorama of the Island of the Blue Dolphins . I was partnered with a girl in my class that I couldn 't stand . She looked like a human gerbil . Her younger brother had glasses and buck teeth , and I am serious he looked like the one chipmunk with glasses and buck teeth . Ugh . Anyways back to me being even more mean . I had to play against her recreational soccer team and stare at her stupid gerbil face as she stood there with one hand on her hip . Her team would get all pissed off when they would lose . Um you just stood there . Her dad was a coach . He walked up and down the sideline like he had a potato chip wedged in his butt crack and he was bound and determined not to break that sucker . So , yeah , I was paired up with her . We start making the diorama , and I start getting really into it . We used coffee grounds as the dirt , and we needed a beach like effect , so I decided we should make homemade play - doh . For those of you that don 't know how to make it , it 's like one giant thing of Morton 's salt and like 2 other super cheap ingredients . She let me play duck hunt while she found all the things we needed , and I started to like her at this point . We made the playdoh , and finished the diorama . I remember my Mom getting super excited at how awesome it looked to have been made by two 5th graders . Even her weird Dad was all like " So - n - so this is so NEATTTTOOOOO BURRITTOOO SKAJEEETO ! " Then he went inside while so - n - so stood outside with my Mom and myself looking at our creation some more . Weird Dad comes march - a - prancing outside and comes within one inch of stabbing us . Why ? Because we used all the salt ! That 's insane ! My Mom offered to buy more . He said that wasn 't the point , and that he was taking this out of her allowance . My Mom leaned over to her and said , " It 's 35 cents After that day , we barely made eye contact . Until high school . My first true love , we 'll call him " douche " ( which is ironic since it rhymes with his real name ) , and I had broken up after a year of pretty awesome times . His Mom made him break up with me ( I am not joking about this ) for another girl in the class below us because her parents owned a carpet store and Douche 's Mom was finishing her basement . This is my life luck . Anyways , before Douche actually started dating carpet girl , I saw him at the fair with so - n - so . In all my life , I have never wanted to punch someone in the face as much . Until college but that 's an entirely different story not even worth discussing . I 'm over that shiznit . Not so much over gerbil face . She looked over at me smugly as they walked passed me , her arm in his . She had on red lipstick to draw away from her bottle opener of a mouth . She smiled at me and pulled him a little closer . At first I felt like all the air had been let out of my balloon . Then , I was like " awwww hellllzzzzzz no she didn 't ! " And this sense of power came over me . I walked up to her and offered to fight her . Not like , " Let 's go B * ! # % ! " But , more like , " If you would care to join me grassy area where our cars are parked , I would be willing to punch you in the face . " ( remove hat and bow ) That happened in the summer . Then , it got to be football season , and my Mom did one of the coolest things EVER . I had been dreaming of a way to get back a douche . He broke up with me right after I had my wisdom teeth out . Like puffy bruised face , sorry Liz it 's over . OH ! AND he did it over the phone . I was so hurt . I needed revenge like in all the songs of the late 90 's ! But all the things I was thinking of were harmful to property and therefor unacceptable . My Grandma was in town the week she did this . I remember my Mom telling me to go get ready for the football game . So , I ran off to go put on my glitter eyeshadow and purple paw print . I heard the blender running . I came out to the kitchen to smell the most horrible smell of my late teens . My Pap had died 3 years earlier , and there was still a can of sardines left in his refridgerator . She pureed those with some dish soap and put it in the dish soap bottle . She handed me the bottle and a few trash bags and some paper towels . Then she leaned in as my Grandma ran off like " I 'm outta here ! " She said , " Wait until half time . You will be able to leave , and come back in without a ticket in the 3rd quarter . Find his car , and make sure to get under all the door handles and the windshield . " My friend and I did as told , and moved our car to a better location so we could see when douche and friends that were BAKED came out to his car . They touched the door handle , felt it , smelled their fingers , and then started gagging . Fact : The car wash in town was broken , and he didn 't carry napkins in his car . Sardine doesn 't come off with windshield wipers . It only comes off with fabric . Chad 's boss the lady ( ish ) brings out the fury of a thousand gerbil faces and douches . I have to go be in an enclosed space with her tonight , and I am trying to decide the best way to insult her without really insulting her , but the truth is she 's really really really stupid . So , I could do passive aggresive awesomeness and her barely there pulse won 't even register the insult . I think I am just going to have to wait for her to say hi and just stare blankly at her for a moment and then look away or ask Chad , " Is this her ? " She responsible for so many days of heartache for Chad , and my family . Once you become a Mom it 's like this weird thing takes over and you unwittingly become the dog curled around her family snapping at anything that comes near . Or the weird goose that charges you when you are feeding the ducks . However due to my fear of birds , I figured I would go with the dog thing . I want to Sardine her . She drives and electric blue low rider truck , parked at Ft Bragg . Anybody wanna help a sista out ? This was inevitable . I can try to sweep it under the rug , and pretend it 's not really a problem but in truth it is . I 've tried to make excuses and pretend that it 's really just depression , but it 's not . Depression meds work , but all they really do is make the lows more bearable . There it has been said . I tried to justify these behaviors and issues when I was younger as hormones , and situation based . Now , it 's becoming quite clear there are no excuses to be made for what this is . I swim in a sea in my head . Thoughts fly at me , through me . I can 't catch my breath . I go at 95 down a highway of ideas and emotions . I am irrational and explosive . I seek rushes that compare to the rush that is going on inside of me . I feel an actual NEED to spend money . I am erratic , and unfocused . I can 't sleep . When I do , I dream of forgetting my high school locker combination , and horse back riding in the desert . I start 1 , 000 projects to leave them all in 1 / 2 completion . I feel beautiful , and like a ballerina . I want to talk to everyone and everything all the time , but fear if I do they will realize that something is off or that I will blurt out something completely insensitive . I want constant stimulation , and to never be alone . It 's like running in a marathon of thoughts that never quits . This is manic . It makes me decide to start internet cooking shows , and update my FB 7 times a day , and start businesses . Don 't even get me started on what it does to my phobias . I become that lady that swabs her fingers clean with alcohol swabs every 10 minutes . It 's bad . Why am I not on a medication for it ? Because those meds are dangerous when you are pregnant , or trying to become pregnant . When we left to go to England I weened off of the meds because I knew I wouldn 't be able to get the same meds once we were there . Then , the depression became unbearable and so I decided while we were there , that I would treat the depression portion of my illness . It 's kind of like putting a bandaid on a cut that needs stitches . It will hold in some of the blood , but it still seeps around the edges . So here we are again . I have been on Zoloft for 3 years . It is not effective in treating my problems any longer , but the alternatives are not great either . So , for now I am switching to a medication that I know is successful in keeping the lows at bay much better . It 's so difficult to " look out for number one " while trying to get pregnant as well . Some would say I shouldn 't try for children . I would say that I have just as much right to have children as anyone else , and I am a DAMN good Mom . I am dedicated to my son , and that 's why I take medication , and get treatment when the signs start to appear rather than wait until I am not showering for days , and laying on the couch in a sad pitiful heap . The lows are another story all together . Everyone knows me for my humor . For my spazzy nature , that is fun and charming . When I am down , it is frightening and terrifying all at once . I cry . All of the time . I am angry . . . at EVERYTHING . I have no patience , empathy , or caring for anything . I want to sleep . I want to lay . I don 't want to do anything at all . I don 't want to talk . I don 't want to listen . I want to not be around anyone . I become a shut in . So , here we are . I needed to say it . To spill it . To let everyone know in terrible written form my struggle . The struggle between having children , and having sanity . I have just as much of a right to have children because usually I am a very responsible person with my illness . It 's the " having kids " portion that makes me seem irresponsible . It 's that I am not . I am actually quite good about taking my meds and being put together about it . It 's the situation I am in . So , I ask my friends , to understand . I am sorry if I update my facebook status 7 times . I am sorry for selling you things , ( although I do need the money ) . I am sorry for erratic behavior . I am sorry for the weird things I might say . What I am not sorry for is who I am . I am vibrant and real . I am not afraid to tell the world that I struggle with this . It 's not on the extreme level , but it 's not the easiest thing to deal with either . I am not sorry that I am what I am . I see the world through two very different sets of glasses . As much as it is difficult , it is also beautiful . I am constantly reminded of the terrible nature of life , and the absolute awe that we live within everyday . You know what no one ever tells you about child birth ? That after you are done pushing the baby out , you aren 't done yet . You still have to deliver the afterbirth . By that point you are about to kick someone in the face . They also forget to mention that you will lose like 1 / 4 of your hair . My sister - in - law mentioned that it happened to her , but that it happened right after she had the baby . . . . My hair decided to wait 6 months before coming out in clumps like some sort of stray dog . I am getting my tonsils out on Monday . I am beyond a wreck over it . Maybe I don 't really need to do this . Sure the doctor said that if I wait , I will just have to have it done in a few years out of necessity , but what if he 's wrong ? I 'm not so worried about the recovery part . That will suck , but after having a baby I am pretty confident I can deal with a tonsil removal . I mean , as long as my throat doesn 't swell up like my nether regions did , I think I am good . I am worried about anesthesia . I hate sleeping as it is . I don 't like missing anything , and I really just don 't like sleeping . I am freaked out that I won 't be awake during all of this . The loss of control , and the complete lack of ability to know what the hell is going on . Wait , am I going to have to get a catheter again ? OMG I HOPE NOT . What if the doctor ( who looks just like Neil Patrick Harris ) decides to sneak a peak at my raisin boobs ? What if I go in there and I am out cold , and they read the wrong chart and remove my left arm ? I guess part of it is that I don 't have that much faith in Army docs . My Pap had his tonsils out during WWII . They gave him a shot of whiskey and then held him down and just cut them out with what he described as a pair of rusty curved scissors . I remember sitting in his part of the house as a little girl and him telling me about it . My Pap had black lung , and a plethora of other issues . He never mentioned the horribleness of recovering from a triple bypass surgery . . . he DID mention the horrible nature of his tonsil removal . I guess that kind of leaves me a little worried . What if they go in there take them out , and I end up sounding like Paris Hilton for the rest of my life . I can 't pull off that stupid baby voice . I need a voice that people take seriously when I am telling them I have a peg leg because I went in for a routine tonsil surgery and I ended up missing a leg , and still had to have my tonsils out . I hope the doctor doesn 't judge me for all my cavities . Do you think ear nose and throat doctors look at tonsils like plastic surgeons look at boobs ? I will have just ovulated right before surgery . Will that hurt the baby if I am pregnant ? Will it ruin my chances of getting pregnant ? I got a flu shot yesterday , will that make me die when I get my tonsils out ? How many people die from tonsil surgery ? How many milkshakes can I have in a day ? Will it bring the boys to the yard ? Ovulation is painful . I don 't know how bitches do it every month . If this is what if feels like to ovulate , I would like to thank my body for opting out . Charlie took it upon himself yesterday to undo his diaper and pee all over himself . I put him down for a nap and the screaming that came from his room would be tat amount to being lit on fire . I want to talk about weird baby people , and giant baby problems . Maybe I have a weird thing when it comes to my kid , but I get all weird when people I don 't know want to hold my kid . I spent 34 hours pushing that kid out , and 6 months milking myself so he could become gigantic baby . I am invested . I 'm just saying it 's a little weird when we are at the auto body shop and someone just holds out their arms to hold my kid . What if they are the butterfingers of their family ? How would I know ? I just think I should at least be on a first name basis , and maybe a firm handshake before I hand over my baby . I could then assess whether or not you have the hand strength and non - limp wrist needed for baby holding . I also want to know the person 's first name so that if they suddenly drop my kid , I know what name to scream out when I then murder them . I 've never been a baby holder . I don 't seek out other people 's children to hold them . Especially people I don 't know . I guess it is very person dependent . A few months ago Chad and I went to a wine and beer shop and the owner asked to hold him . I just handed him over like SURE ! I mean she sells booze , she has to be cool right ? I am sure that is a parent fail . However , she was older , and he smiled like crazy to be with her . When I let the lady at the body shop hold him he looked over at me with this look on his face like , " WTF are you doing to me ? STRANGER DANGER ! " Then looked back at her as if to say , " I 'm totally farting on your right now . " I have a gigantic baby . He 's 22 lbs and 6 months old . That puts him the 98 % for weight . I don 't think you understand how heavy that is . That 's 1 / 5 of my body weight . I kind of want a sled to drag him around behind me . He 's in this new phase where if I leave the room for a second he screams his head off . He wants me to carry him around like I 'm some sort of pack mule . I have a TON of clothes that he just skipped right over and didn 't even get a chance to wear because he went from 6 lbs to 22 in like 2 months . I am sick of the judgy eyes on me . If you look at the size of Charlie , he should be walking and sitting up and doing things that 1 - 2 year olds do . . . . people don 't realize he is a mutant giant baby . They think I am just carrying him around as a super protective Momma Bear . The carrier does make it easier to keep people from trying to hold him though . I am getting my tonsils removed on October 24th . Truth be told , I am scared . . . . A LOT . I mean at one point in my life I considered getting boobs . . . . but going under the knife and waking up to huge bajungaz seems a lot more awesome to waking up missing your throat boobs . Did you know that uvula piercing is actually a thing ? WHO THE HELL IS LOOKING IN THAT PART OF YOUR MOUTH ? ? ? WHHHHHY ? I mean really . To pierce back there , you would almost need to hire a child or a little person to put their hands in there . Stupid . I am scared to go under anesthesia . I am scared to wake up and not be able to talk . I am also worried I will have a bleed , and that I will sound like Kathleen Turner or William Shatner . It needs to be done . I 've had repeated infection and the tonsil stones were fun for a while . Now , I am beyond done with them , but I want to keep them . Not in me . . . but in a jar with formaldehyde in it . In a cabinet that is where I will keep " miscellaneous useless parts of me . " I have my baby teeth somewhere in storage at my parents house , so I can pick those up now that I have the perfect place to put them . Where does one go about getting formaldehyde without seeming like a serial killer ? I mean , seriously . I want to keep them so that when Charlie gets older and has friends over I can bring them out and put them on our nightstand to deter them from going in our bedroom . When I was in middle school I got invited to this super annoying girl 's Halloween party . There were 20 girls all in her parent 's big semifinished basement , bobbing for apples , being blindfolded and sticking our hands in a bowl of peeled grapes that feel like eyeballs , and screaming like 12 year old girls do . Did I forget to mention her dad was missing a hand ? So , half way through the party her dad comes down the stairs with a jar . . . . WITH HIS HAND IN IT . To this day I am not sure if it was really his hand or not . I don 't want to know . Talk around town was that he lost it working in his deli while making sausage . Maybe that 's why I don 't really like sausage . Or hands . Or basements . I want to be able to carry on this tradition . I want my tonsils in a jar . If I have kidney stones , or my appendix out I want that too . I would like to tell kids the story of how I lost my tonsils on Halloween . The only down side of this whole thing , is that on REAL Halloween , I will be laid up . I won 't be able to make anybody cry by asking them if they are Michael Jackson for Halloween because they are wearing a leather jacket , a bleeding scream mask , and skinny jeans , and may or may not haI 'm thinking of making our next kid Jewish . Not for realsies , but just telling people he is Jewish . When we introduce them places we will say all our kids names and then whisper , " he 's Jewish . " Like , would that not BLOW people 's minds ? I used to carry around a wallet with the pictures that came with the wallet still in it . . . There were two couples on the beach . One was a young couple just married and the other were seniors . Then there was an old black man and a little girl . I used to pull my wallet out and point to all the pictures , and say that he was my dad and watch people react . I 'm not racist , that 's just funny watching people work through that . This is what it 's like inside my head when I start to freak out over the possibility of dying from a tonsillectomy . Dramatic ? Maybe . But , this is what happens in my head . There is an eight year age gap between my sister and myself . We grew up in different decades . Might not seem like much , but it was . It was hard to find common ground , when I am wearing a belly top and listening to Britney Spears , and she 's all " Ohhhh I have to go to work and be an amazing pharmacist with all my smarts and math skillz . " I was all like , " Does my hair look better with highlights in beige or honey ? " She was all , " Based on your body weight you can 't take that much blah blah blah I SAVE PEOPLE . " You see where I am going with this . While my relationship with my sister is beyond amazing now , growing up was two separate worlds . She was in college when I was in middle school . The closest I got to my sister during those years , was sneaking off to her room to look through her things while she was probably doing organic chemistry homework . I want my children to be close in age . To be able to kick the crap out of bullies together , to torment the same teachers with not so much as a 2 year break before the next one comes to punch them in the face with knowledge . We needed assistance to conceive Cha Choos . Clomid to be exact . So over the past few weeks there have been some changes . . . . I stopped breast feeding / pumping . It was one of the most painful things ever . All I wanted to do was drain those puppies . Now , that is over . I had to stop so that my " lady times " could resume . Now , they have . I have started back on the Clomid . We are starting to try for our next little one . I am beyond excited , and a little sad / scared . I don 't want to not give Charlie all the attention he deserves . I worry that I will be that lady in the robe at the bus stop with a maxipad stuck to my thigh . I worry I won 't have the energy for two toddlers . I fear that if I have 2 we will stop , and the joy to newborns , and babies , and all that goes with the beginning of parenthood will be lost for forever . I don 't want to rush , but with my fertility issues , we have to be realistic about our time frame . Clomid makes me have hot flashes like crazy . It Posted by It all started at Tower City mall in Cleveland , Ohio . When there were still stores in there , and no homeless people . I went with a friend of mine for an open casting call for the WB 's show Dawson 's Creek . We ended up not being able to audition since my friend needed to be at work by a certain time . What did happen , was I saw people there recruiting for a " pop group . " This was back at the time when boy bands were super popular , and everyone was looking to cash in . I ended up going to an audition , sand the disco classic " Last Dance " and they immediately asked me to be part of the group . At the time the group consisted of two blond 19 year olds that used way too much hair gel , and were the same guys that would go to clubs , and clear the dance floor so they could " break dance . " There was one other kid in the group that has a lisp . Then , began the auditions for the other people . By the end , we had a guy named Geo that was our choreographer , and a little blond girl that had a stage mom , lispy guy , and one other young teenage boy still in high school . Our " manager " lived in a studio apartment in a town close to Cleveland . He was a wedding photographer , about 40 , and he devoted himself to having a place where teens could hang out . Our musical director was a 450 lb dude with a casio keyboard , that lived with his mom . We all had busy schedules , so as things progressed some of the members of the band were asked to stay overnight to get more things accomplished . I was never asked , but lisper and teenager were both asked . You see where I am going with this ? As things progressed , I would write the lyrics to songs about love and they were LAME . You know , about first love , and kissing , and going all the way . We got this big audition to perform at Tower City . We practiced , and practiced . We were performing Mariah Carey 's " All I Want For Christmas . " The young guy still in high school got a little bitchy over my spotlight . One weekend , we all got in a big argument , and the music director and I decided to take off for Windsor . Yea , we drove to Windsor . He gambled . I drank . Then , we got a hotel room where oddly enough there was only a queen sized bed . WHY DID I THINK IT WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL ? When we got to the boarder , I had no passport . They asked me what city I was born in . I told them . Then they asked what county that was in , and I had no idea . They still let me through . Probably , because they assumed I was not going to come back anyway . Seriously . I went to ANOTHER COUNTRY with a dude I barely knew , and then slept in the same room with him . WHAT THE HELL . 20 year old Liz was about the stupidest person I have ever known . Wanna know how to piss me off ? Spring an unannounced visit on me . You know the kind where everything needs to be neat and tidy ? The owner of our house is refinancing . They called me to tell me an appraiser was coming to view the house today . I have a 6 month old , and we just got back from vacation 2 weeks ago . Which in baby math is like 2 days because it takes you 1 , 000 times longer to accomplish ANY task . I 've been running around my house , shoving dirty underwear under beds , and clean clothes in random drawers . His name is Julio . That 's all I know . Julio , I want to stab you . You asked when a good time for me was . I said Friday , or next week . Not TODAY . You will not be offered any sweet tea . Because of you , I had to wipe out the tub I shaved in yesterday . It looked like an etch - a - sketch exploded in the bottom of the tub . I was going to take care of that next week after using the shower only for the rest of this week because I was too lazy to clean the tub . I have 2 bags of dirty diapers that need to go in the wash , but I forgot about the load that was in there from 2 days ago . So , I have to wash those clothes like 10 times to get the funk out of them . Julio , I hate you . Because I hate you , I am wearing my Grandma 's glasses for the entire viewing . I will also be talking like Harry Carey to make you really doubt my ability to function as a human being . Perhaps I will add a noticeable limp . I haven 't showered yet today . I don 't plan on it until after Julio leaves . I don 't like the idea of someone just coming into my house and looking in my closets . I 'm not that good of a house keeper . I also have like 70 pairs of underwear . ( I am all sorts of braggy ) but not nice underwear . I am talking Mom pants . I also have like this weird thing , where I can scan a room and not see the random pair of folded underwear on my coffee table . Then , company comes and I realize I am having a conversation about their family vacation with a pair of my underwear between us . Sort of like a plate of cookies , but way more weird . I think I need to own less underwear . That way I can keep track of them better . A few months ago , my friend found out she was pregnant . She had let me borrow some of her maternity gear , and in all the excitement , I gathered it all up to give back to her . While I was at it , I decided to do a goodwill search through my own stuff , and a throw away even goodwill would be insulted by this pile . So , in the midst of all of that , I packed up a box of her things . She came by , and when she left she took the box with her . 3 hours later I received a text from her husband saying " Uhhhh I just saw your underwear . " I was immediately creeped out , and went to the windows to see if he was peeping in . No , he wasn 't . I had mistakenly given my friend a pair of my underwear . I AM AWESOME . You are welcome friend . I love you , this is a gift from the bottom of my heart . Which coincidentally coincides with my crotch . I also just found 2 pairs stuffed in the seam of the couch . You would think that I had some sort of crazy life going on with lots of exotic escapades . Nope . I just clearly can 't keep track of all my underwear . Remember when you were in middle school and you wanted to go to the teen dance , but didn 't want your parents to drop you off ? You didn 't want anyone to see you show up in the 1984 maroon Volvo station wagon that didn 't have any seals in the windows ? No ? Just me ? Too specific ? I guess I still have a little bit of that left in me . I kind of liked the idea that I was normal . ish . My Mom has been around Chad 's family twice . For short periods of time . Nothing like a week . The 7th grader in me is fearful of the un - cool quotient that is about to occur . Except this time , I can 't get back at anyone by grinding with a boy in the middle of the school gymnasium . Well , I guess I could , but who would care ? It would be Chad . That 's old news . I guess I feel like this is all sort of rushing at me too quickly . They 've only known me 5 years . I think this is moving to quickly . Maybe we should take a break . ( that second part just comes out after the first part out of old habits ) Truth is , I enjoyed riding the wave of normal . Chad 's family is just plain normal . That 's sort of what scares me . Is that they will have to interact with my family . I mean , I guess it won 't be THAT bad after the birth process . There 's a lot less vagina involved this time . . . well , a whole lot less of mine at least . I can 't guarantee that the word won 't escape certain people 's lips . < - haha Between the 12 times that I have had to tell my Mom that the bedrooms will have to be decided when we get there out of logistics of 2 dogs and a kid , she still continues to ask . Why ? Because she wants the king bed with the master bath . She 's also convinced our house has an elevator ? I guess I am at my grrrr point because for the past week she has been sending me links to my email , to which I am like OHHH ! EMAIL FOR ME ! ! ! to see it 's a link to look at a freaking front door . To which I respond , " I like that one , I am out . Please stop asking me about this . I do not care . " To which she responds , " Imagine what it 's like to be me and have to pick out a door you don 't really like , and then have to spend money on it . " To which I reply , " Imagine not caring , AND it 's not your door . " I just hope this vacation isn 't filled with quandaries about front doors , and suggestions on the things I shouldn 't be doing with Charlie . Chad and I need a vacation . I want her to be there , but I want her to be normal . If I said that to her , she would be like " I AM NORMAL . THIS IS HOW ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE ! " I come from a family of germ a phobes . When I was growing up I was the kid at the Doctor 's office looking sad because I wasn 't allowed to play with the toys . I remember going to the pool with a friend when I was like 10 . My friend brought over all these inflatable toys to take with us , and my Mom made her blow them all up herself . Needless to say , she was not much fun after blowing up the inflatable raft . Mostly because she looked like she was going to pass out . I wasn 't allowed to borrow bathing suits , and I was under the impression that if you borrowed some one 's chapstick , you would die . Now that I have a kid , I know how expensive the whole toy thing can be . I am very open to second hand goods . My mom has been AWESOME about doing the whole garage sale thing , because down here in a southern military community the garage sales have things like light bulbs and VHS tapes . Nothing useful like kid toys . So , she has gotten some really awesome stuff . However , it 's a double edged sword . She 's a complete germaphobe , but somehow she sees nothing wrong with used plush toys . I tried to explain that the only way they are acceptable is if they can be machine washed . She bought something recently that can 't fit in her washer , and she told me that she would just wipe it down with wet wipes . My brain is exploding . If I had to ask one question to every person to decide if the friendship would work , I would ask them a 2 part question : 1 . Do you use a dish rag / sponge to wash dishes ? 2 . Do you re - use it / let it dry out on the basin divider or sink faucet ? I know I have to go to other people 's houses , so don 't worry . I know this is crazy - town talk . Don 't feel self conscious . It 's just that I need people to know about this , and at least think about it . If you answer yes to these questions , I have a phobia . It 's a terrible one . Unless you 're washing your dishes with straight bleach and a splash of soap , I am throwing up in my mouth at the thought of your dish rag . I will politely eat something you offer to me , but inside I am thinking about that dishrag . You might as well be using a pair of dirty panties for all the difference it makes in my brain . Mostly if you re - use it . Sponges are just as bad , unless you microwave it after every use . There is nothing worse then the smell of a dirty sponge . Well , ok there are a lot of things that smell worse , but the freak out level is high when it comes to sponges . I don 't use them because to me , you wipe off germs and food from that plate , and then you basically ask it to grow some friends and contribute some e - coli to the next plate / pot you wash . It 's basically like putting your mouth on the drinking fountain . My mom is a dish rag / sponge person . When she comes to visit she has this weird ability to search out the ONE dish rag I own . I have it to to scrub dried terd remnants off the floor . Why is it dried ? Because after I step in the terd barefoot , I have a small panic attack and hobble off to the sink to wash my foot with bleach and then forget about the smooshed bit left behind . Dried terd doesn 't scrub off with paper towels , and hand towels don 't go anywhere terds . She uses it when she 's here . I love that she cleans up the kitchen , but she does it with what I consider to be a piece of cloth covered in poop . Dish rags in my opinion are the AIDS of the cleaning world . It blows my mind that she uses them . She flys with vaseline around the openings of her nose to somehow deflect the flying germs . She keeps her money in a plastic baggie so as to not contaminate the rest of her purse belongings . Yet , she uses a dish cloth . I have paper towels everywhere in my kitchen , and hand towels , and a scrubber that gets bleached that dries on the window sill until the next use . My dish rag is in the back far corner of my sink cupboard . II don 't know why she said that , she probably didn 't mean it that way . I don 't know why she doesn 't share bathrooms . I don 't know why she gets angry over other people watching tv and she can 't watch what she wants . I don 't know why she doesn 't go to the beach . I don 't know why she doesn 't swim . Yes she knows how to swim . Just giggle inside at the weirdness . It 's worked wonders for me . Ahhhhh ! My freak out scale is at a 7 . I will write more when it gets to 9 . Which will be tomorrow . Because then I will only have 2 days left to prepare , and catch two very small dog 's urine to take to the vet because they seem to think that my house is a port - o - pottie and I am very wishfully thinking they have UTI 's and aren 't just jerks . Sorry to break it to you lady , but 14 years kinda makes you bond . I love the name , and your cheap shots are semi - hurtful . Then , you call him fat too ? Well , I would like to think that Pap got even with you from beyond the grave through his ass hole grand daughter . I really am grand . Lodged behind a drawer I found a few items that were left behind . One of which , is something that I will forever picture my Grandmother in . It 's like they found their way to me through some bit of magic . I found other things too . She can have her knee highs , ace bandage , and dental receipts back . My grandma isn 't getting these puppies back . Fox news gets a lot of bad press these days . I for one am tired of it . As Hurricane Irene heads towards where I am currently living , I can 't help but have a small panic attack imagining myself cooking small pieces of half thawed steak above a zippo lighter . Since this whole hurricane will somehow be Barack Obama 's fault , I figured I would go ahead and take the liberty of writing a piece for Fox . 2 . ) Give all your canned goods away to the homeless , since you are such " giving " people . Canned goods don 't fair well in hurricanes . 6 . ) Store your batteries in your oven , when you feel there is impending doom upon you , preheat oven to 350 degrees and bake the batteries for 3 hours . This promotes longer battery life . 8 . ) Don 't fill up your car 's gas tank . You want your car to be as close to E as possible . This will keep you from going anywhere , and will allow for more quality starvation time for your family if you are stranded for days . 9 . ) If you are traveling when the storm hits , get out of your car ! Stand under trees , and as close to electrical lines as possible . If they happen to come down , you will have something to swing on to get to safety . My bedroom smells like old people . Like a mix of rancid Clinique " Happy , " Aqua Velva , and moth balls . My family is complicated and confusing . I ended up with my Grandma 's bedroom furniture . It was a very complicated process to end up with smelly bedroom furniture that Chad refuses to put his clothes in because he doesn 't want to be mistaken for an old man . Let 's start out with a little known fact . I have an INSANE sense of smell . Like to the point it creeps people out . I don 't use oven timers when I cook . I can be in the other room and can TELL when something is done just by the smell . It 's freaking annoying sometimes . Some people 's perfumes make me want to vomit . I LOVE my Grandma to pieces , but her perfume permeates EV REEE THING . It 's not so much that I dislike Clinique " Happy . " It 's that when it interacts with her skin it turns into a monster of Jean Nate and and Aqua Net . Seriously , the smell actually makes me ill . Fast forward to now . My room makes me sick . It all started when my Grandma and her husband decided to move to Florida . They bought new bedroom furniture a couple years back , and the new place they are moving to is fully furnished . So , they offered to sell it to my Mom . My mom said no thanks . Then they asked again , and asked if maybe we would want to buy it . My mom knows that I am not in any position to buy furniture , so she offered to buy it as a Christmas gift . I 'm easy going . I don 't want to rock the boat . I said ok . We do need furniture , so it seemed like a good deal . Until it exploded in my face . They backed out on selling it to my Mom , and then my Mom got all like " a deal is a deal . " Then , they wanted to stop here on their way down to Florida , and I was all like . . . " I don 't have time for this crap , because my Mom will be like " why you being all nicey nicey to those people that wouldn 't even SELL you their used furniture ? " To which I would be all like , " Who says NO Grandma you can 't stay at my house , and the furniture is all easy come easy go . I have a baby that demands my every minute , and to be honest matching nightstands are not at the top of my priority list . But go ahead and tell them I am busy since clearly hell hath no fury like like a deal is a deal . " I do love that my Mom is willing to go to war for me though . Even if this wasn 't really a war that I a . ) wanted or b . ) really cared about . Still , it 's nice to know that my Mom is like a feral cat when it comes to her kids . Then , the Skype rings , and my Mom tells me she told them off . I 'm all like whoa whoa whoa ! PLEASE don 't put me in the middle of this ! I am already the hated Grandchild for having this EVIL blog . She tells me she told them off so much that they said they would just GIVE me the furniture , and bring it to me . What the hell did she say to them ? It must have been along the lines of " Listen here old people , guess who you named to take care of your DNR ? " ( DNR is do not resuscitate ) The day came that they would be bringing the furniture to me . They arrived 2 hours early like all old people do , and then proceeded to tell me that my baby is fat . My family makes my head explode . Keep your " fat " comments to yourself when it comes to my 5 month old . I haven 't put the baby treadmill together yet , and the diet or pureed Twinkies and soda is what he prefers to eat . Who am I to tell him no ? Seriously , he gets breast milk , and like 4 pureed foods including squash , and a little fruit . It 's not like I am feeding him gravy . Now , I have a bedroom filled with a smell that makes me want to run the other direction , and the unsettling feeling that people think my baby is fat . Like , how do you even google a remedy for " wooden furniture old people smell removal ? " I thought about using bathroom spray but I fear that might ruin the finish . I just couldn 't foresee this in advance . This well fought battle ended in furniture that makes the whole room smell like the perfume counter at Macy 's . Based on my last few posts , it 's probably quite clear that my depression is back . It never fully goes away , and the medication I am taking is one of the least effective in treating it , but the safest for Charlie 's breast milk . I recently went up on the dosage , and I feel . . . well , I feel numb . Not so much better , but caged . All the things that normally float around in there are still there , but instead of bouncing around they are just kind chilling out in proverbial jello . The meds effect my efforts to be funny , and to communicate what 's on my mind . However , I have the most irrational fear of going off of them . That I would shut down . I would just sit in my own filth and start to look like the Mom in " What 's Eating Gilbert Grape . " I don 't want to have to be removed from my house with a forklift when I die . * * * I am NOT thinking about my death , PLEASE DON ' T WRITE TO ME ASKING ABOUT THAT . Some of what I am feeling is just circumstances . The adjustments to new life , and the changes that have occurred are not so new anymore . I dreamed of being a Mom since I was a baby myself . I had imaginary " baby boys " I would chase around the house . What 2 year old has imaginary twins ? Me . I dreamed of being needed , and wanted , all the time . Now , it is a reality . A wonderful reality , but also a new reality . There 's never enough time in a day . Parts of my body hurt that never hurt before ( part of turning 30 I suppose ) and I don 't have the patience for people like I used to . I have new found overwhelming patience for Charlie , but not so much for adults . I guess I feel like if you can drive a car I don 't have patience for your crap . Last time I was at the doctor , they urged me to go see a therapist they have there . Truth is , I 've been to a bunch . I am sick of it . With how often I move , it 's too painful to rehash all the old stuff to get down to the brass tacks of what 's going on now . I don 't want to have to retell my life story again . I like avoiding bringing up old things that I have moved past . This is my therapy . The down side of this therapy , is that you want to know what 's going on you read about it . I love being able to open up in written form and spill it , but it also seems that thru this I have lost contact with some people because they just read about me here . The downfall of over sharing I suppose . That and my family members losing their shit on me for having the balls to spill it on the internet . Whether or not you believe in depression , it is real for me . It 's my burden . How I deal with it is my responsibility . I do deal with it . I don 't cut people down , or lock myself in a room , I just deal . We go to the beach in a month . I can 't wait . When I am near the ocean , I feel normal . I feel like life all makes sense . It helps me recenter . Now the upstairs AC is out . When I call nothing gets done . When Chad calls they get right on it . Today I had him call first and there was no call back so I called . Anthony answered me right away , and gave me a BS reason as to why he didn 't call Chad back . I know bullshit when I hear it dude . We actually have a book in our bathroom entitled " On Bullshit . " So , now I will go back to doing what I know works . . . . Calling them back every 15 minutes to check on their progress . You don 't keep me in the loop ? I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY ANNOYING CALLS THAT WILL NEVER END . Anthony came to our house on Saturday for a walk thru unexpectedly , and subtly mentioned my feverish phone calls . What I wanted to say was , " My Mom was here when the AC downstairs went out . You don 't know what fury Hell holds when you piss that woman off , and I sure as Hell wasn 't going to be listening to the story of " the time she had no air conditioning in the south in August . " While she was here she complained my house was too hot . Her thermostat : 73 My thermostat : 74 Yeesh that 's such a huge adjustment . OMG MY TEETH ARE KILLING ME . My dentist is a mouth terrorist . I had to go in for " readjustments " because it 's been two weeks since I had them filled and they still KILL . So , he looks at them , I bite down on that weird paper of magic , and he says . . . " What I did is fine . It 's that you have to find a new bite . " WTF ? Really ? A new bite ? He said my pain was from me clenching and that my teeth had to find a new way to align . Then , he shaved some stuff off the fillings , and said I would have to readjust again . THEN WHY DID HE SHAVE ANYTHING OFF ? ? ? Now , I am readjusting to the readjustment that was already an adjustment . That word sounds weird . But , really . I hate that dentist . He 's a dick with a drill , and a vendetta against tooth alignment . My teeth hurt . Not just a little bit . A LOT . My cranky o meter is at a 10 right now . I try very hard to keep myself together . Not to lose my cool . However , if I could remove my own face right now I would . I would place it in a warm bath , and light some candles . Also as Chad has pointed out about me numerous times , I have some sort of weird disorder where I don 't sweat . I don 't tolerate heat well , because my body decides that it 's just going to shut down . Between my teeth and the weird sweat that I do produce I am losing my mind . I lack the social finesse these days to not be a complete bitch about things like AC in the south when it 's 100 degrees outside and I have a 4 month old that doesn 't like anything above 75 degrees . Barracuda Liz is making another triumphant return . Don 't these people know they are messing with my young AND my ability to live comfortably ? I can feel the upstairs heat oozing down off the balcony . Charlie is napping in my room and I will cut a bitch if he has to sleep in our room tonight . He 's what I like to call a " squeaky sleeper . " When he slept in our room it was like having a pack of field mice next to me , and Momma needs her sleep . On an unrelated note , I stink . I left some clothes in the washing machine too long . . . Chad put them in the dryer and didn 't realize they smelled . For the past few days I have been trying to think of a nice way to tell Chad that he needs to wash better , or change soaps . Turns out , I am just a horrible housekeeper with laundry funk . Now , every few days I wear something , I think that either Charlie just pooped or Chad stinks . . . just to realize it 's me because I haven 't been able to find every last stitch of clothing with the funk on it . Because there 's far too much hand holding and butt wiping at his unit . While back in the states ( not deployed ) these units are supposed to make time for family . Instead this unit is practically passing out coloring books that MUST be colored , in the lines , and handed in to be checked . It 's infuriating . Last night I had like an hour with Chad . All because of the Chad 's bosses need to micromanage bowel movements . I need to complain about said things . Like most girls , I complain to my Mom . She 's there to listen right ? WRONG . She 's been defending the 12 hours days as though that 's normal . I explained about deployments and how that is hard on a family . She went so far as to say that when my father would travel on business it was practically the same ! Really ? Dad 's trip to Texarkana is the same as going to Iraq and getting shot at ? Somehow , I fail to make any real connection between the two . When Dad would drive from the hotel he was staying at to the job site , did he encounter many roadside bombs ? What 's that ? Dad 's company would pay for him to come home to see his family once a month ? Yes . It 's exactly the same Mom . I can relate . My husband 's desk job is exactly the same . They make him show up at 5 : 30 to go run , and oh wait . . . . no they don 't . Seriously . I am not cutting on desk jobs . It 's just that Chad has a professional career . There 's nothing going on to keep him there . Not only is he there , he 's there for 12 freaking hours . It 's just plain stupid . The shit factory he works for is keeping the terrible people , and alienating the one 's worth keeping . Does that frighten you ? It should . He works with someone that has been in for 17 years , and can 't qualify on a shooting range . That 's like being a veterinarian for 17 years and not being able to locate a dog 's butt hole . Same same . But different . The shitbag neighbors we had that never mowed their lawn , and had that poor pitbull were evicted . Yesterday I saw lots of their stuff on the curb . So long dickbags ! I 've been googling the crap out of the house number to see if it 's going up for sale or rent again . I want to set up the people that come view the house and either frighten them off with my Harry Caray impression , or bake them cookies depending on if I like them . There are different types of roaches . The roach that caused my mental breakdown a couple months back was indeed an Woodland Cockroach . They live outside . I had one singular cockroach in my house , and I killed that MF . I am feeling so lost . I practically foam at the mouth for social interaction of any type . I went to get my hair cut on Friday , and I just kept having verbal blooples . I just wanted to talk to someone . My social life consists of a 4 month old , and a breast pump . Oh , and the awkward conversations about all things weird with my Mom . I 'm not feeling sorry for myself . I am just purging this here . I just feel really trapped . I can 't really go anywhere or do anything , because my milk supply suffers as a result . So , here I stay . On the couch . Watching episodes of How I Met Your Mother for the 30th time . Charlie is sleeping better these days , and I have really had to help him to realize he is tired . Now that he sleeps and takes naps he is such a happy baby . I get excited when I hear him cry that he is waking up . I look forward to our interactions . He 's smiling , and cooing , and he laughs . . . . just not for me . That 's something he reserves for Chad only . I guess that right now , I am mourning the loss of my previous life . The life that didn 't involve diaper bags , and car seats , and floppy boobs . I miss being able to think about going places and doing things . It doesn 't help that I don 't have a car which makes me feel like a bigger looser . But , I am not . 1 car is really all we need , and where would I go ? Wal - Mart ? I don 't think so . Chad 's job is ridiculous lately . He works with the biggest idiots on earth right now . ( there are some exceptions to this ) but it has made him have to be away for about 12 hours each day . It 's wearing on him , and me . What 's even more frustrating is that it 's not for anything important . It 's because Joe can 't put his pants on right , and Sally decided to just show up everyday at noon . The higher ups are of no help , and the strain can be seen on his face everyday . It hurts me to see him looking so beat down . Chad used to work the watch shift in England that was 12 hours on 12 hours off for 4 days straight . It was so hard on both of us . This seems to be like deja vu ( sp ? ) . I could understand this type of situation if there was something important going on , but there isn 't . He 's basically just running himself silly over nothing . He 's tired from the moment he gets home , until we go to bed at 9 : 30 . He isn 't getting time to himself , because I need time to make dinner , and take care of things around the house when he gets home from work . So , here I am . I dream of a little escape . An escape where there is no breast pump waiting for me every 2 hours . There are no douches at Chad 's work to deal with . A place where I don 't have to get my tonsils out , because of the GROSSEST thing on earth . Wanna throw up this morning ? Google search tonsil stones . I can 't be the only one that secretly watches the Jersey Shore . I am ashamed because I shouldn 't watch . I know it 's offensive to Italian Americans and wellll just about every American really , but I love it . Minus the shitty Sam and Ron drama . Those two are pointless . What is it that I love about that show ? The muscles ? The tans ? The hair ? The rampant sexual promiscuity ? The famous - ugly ratio ? Seriously , I know a lot of Italian Americans . Congrats MTV on scouring the earth for THE UGLIEST people ever . Seriously . Italian Americans are usually really hot . What HAPPENED to these people ? The Situation always looks like he just sniffed poop . Snooki looks like a really tan Snoopy . Jwoww looks like a b - team stripper , and that new one you know the Momish looking one ? Deena yeah Deena , she HAS to be like 73 . Vinny is actually kind of cute and normal . So that makes me wonder about him . Pauly 's hair seems to be molded out of semen and cake frosting . But I love them . I am not alone . This show is a phenomenon . This is how I am choosing to " stay hip . " I watch MTV reality shows that I know the youth are watching . What scares me is that all the people on that show are pushing 30 ( with the exception of Deena the 73 year old ) . Just like I am somewhat out of touch with the young kids these days , they in turn are out of touch with me . They think that if I was single , I would be out fist pumping into the wee hours of the morning and dodging grenades . It 's like a car wreck you pass on the highway after being caught in traffic for 3 hours . You don 't want to look at it , but you wasted 3 hours of your life trapped in your car and DAMNIT there better be an APOCALYPSE going on up ahead . When you finally drive past the scene , you feel like you HAVE to look due to the fact that all you saw was the back end of a Buick for the past 3 hours . That 's the Jersey Shore . We are in rerun season . So that is the 3 hours of traffic . MTV is smart enough to start airing their show before the other shows come back on . I HAVE TO WATCH . By that point , I am hooked . I like these people . I don 't know why . I think they are caricatures of themselves , and at some point it morphed and they thought orange was their actual skin color . They do stupid things . They get into a lot of debacles . I can relate . I will write a real post in a day or two . For now , go watch the Jersey Shore . I 'm sure it 's on MTV right now , because that 's all they have on . That and that stupid teenwolf shit that is quite possibly the worst show ever created . Don 't watch that . We spend closer to $ 600 - 700 on food . Are we greedy ? Do we buy fillet Mignon for every other meal ? Are we wasteful ? I am going to find out . Michelle Obama has introduced a new food system called " My Plate . " The basic premise is that 50 % of each meal should be fruits and vegetables . Which I totally agree with . Fruits and vegetables are filled with nutrients and fiber to help you stay fuller longer . What I am struggling with is how to afford such " luxury items " like fresh vegetables . Canned and frozen items are cheap , but don 't hold a candle to the fresh stuff . So , I am embarking on a mission . I will be starting another blog page , with vlogs , that show how to create delicious side dishes / meals using vegetables that are cost efficient , and healthy . I am going to try to stick to the budget of $ 340 for a one month time period . If I can do it so can you . The cornerstone of all of this , is to lose weight , and eat right . I have a child now , and very soon he will be starting to eat solids . I have to get into the habit of eating flavorful meals that have exciting vegetable options . That 's part of our problem as Americans , we don 't " showcase " vegetables . It 's all about the meat . So , I will be making daily meal plans , and making sure to have a whole grain , large vegetable portions , and a lean meat . We are the military . We are supposed to be the leanest and healthiest group of Americans . If we can 't do this , how can we expect other people to ? While I realize our budget may be a little tighter than most Americans , that should doubly prove that it can be done . I will be working on this project in the coming weeks . If you would like to contribute healthy recipes and meal ideas , I will give you credit ! As time ticks by , I know that it 's only a matter of time before Charlie discovers his . Then , I will spend the rest of my life telling him to stop touching it . So I am pondering the idea of what to call it . There are so many nicknames and all of them leave me with a weird feeling . Seriously , though how many other things can you think of that have so many other names ? Penis is the marijuana of body parts . Wee - wee , pee - pee , weiner , dong , wang , willy , " it " , jr . , pee - er , private part , and of course , dick . Not to mention the 900 words used to describe it in a sexual manner . There are two basic thoughts on this matter . Do I call it by the correct name of " penis " and cringe every time , or do I call it something else and just feel like I am dumbing down his body parts ? Aren 't those names semi - shame based ? If I call it his weiner , it is no better . He 's already developing his language skills , and I have been calling it his penis for the most part when we are discussing anything about care , cleaning , or diapering . When he is in ear shot ( or not ) I use the proper term . I guess I also feel like that is a bit " formal " for everyday use . What will the other boys be calling it when he is in social settings ? I don 't use baby talk so saying wee - wee makes me want to slap my own mouth . I am just so torn over it . I don 't want him being the " Dad " of the play group by calling it a penis while all other kids call it a weiner , but I also don 't want him getting all giggly over it . It is what it is . Maybe I am over thinking this . How much does that come up in play group ? From all the men I know , I picture them as children , and I could honestly say it would come up like every other word . I was always uncomfortable in Elementary school when I would see a boy standing in the lunch line with his hands on his crotch . My Mom called my vagina my " bum . " It got really confusing for me . I didn 't know what the difference between the front and the back was at that point , because everyone I knew would fall down on their " bum . " Even boys were falling down on their " bums . " That just lead to more confusion . Not to mention that hobos are also called bums . It was a really confusing part of my childhood . On the other hand , if we don 't use those other words , are we creating the 90 year old man of the play group ? While all the other boys tee - hee over their " willies " Charlie will be standing there with an odd expression of so what ? Is the awkwardness of having a penis a right of passage ? Is it part of the developmental process ? Should I take that " fun " away from him ? I want to be very open and honest with him . I don 't want there to ever be a shame based portion of sex , or his body . I remember growing up and feeling like there was something very wrong with me in that way . I don 't want to be the hippie Mom either that is like , " yea ! go ahead and use our bed " but I don 't want there to be such a stigma attached to sex . With the overwhelming amount of accessibility to pornography , it 's become part of our culture . Right or wrong , it 's there . Due to a recent conversation , I am going to be calling it a " urine evacuation unit . " Otherwise known as a UEU , pronounced ewww . Done , and done . SBTB never changes . The show revolves around a young gang of kids that all get into little " uh - ohs , " and with the exception of some to be continued shows , it ends . I have seen every episode , but at least it 's not surrounding murder or dresses . ( With the exception of Lisa starting her own fashion line ) News shows lately have been focused on two things . Casey Anthony , and Princess Kate 's outfits . This is what news is about lately ? Giving that complete waste of life more media coverage than the disaster in Japan . Talking about Kate 's 40 dress changes in her time in the US . I am so over it . We all bitch and moan about not caring anymore about these things , yet morning after morning we tune in . There are still troops deployed in two wars , that are risking their lives on a daily basis , and our media covers . . . . . what Kate wore to the BAFTA 's . There are puppies out there that have saved babies , and the media covers Casey Anthony 's hair style at her sentencing . Please allow me to be the first to say , " WHO THE F * & ^ CARES ? " Saved By the Bell may be all reruns from the 90 's , but it is over and done with at the end of a half an hour . The coverage of either of the previous topics seems to go ON and ON . Saved By the Bell isn 't current . I get that , but neither is Casey Anthony or Kate . That isn 't news . That 's shit on a shingle . Local news isn 't as bad , but it also has local people spewing it that may or may not have graduated from High School . So , I am boycotting . I am not watching morning news programs . Sure , I may not know that the Pope has a Twitter account anymore , but I think it 's a fair trade off . I won 't hear brain sludge . I will instead watch Zach getting into one of his many debacles , and getting off scott free at the end . Sort of like Casey Anthony , but without injustice . I fail to understand why that was covered so widely in the first place . Perhaps everyone likes to hear what lego hair Nacy Grace has to say . I for one , would rather listen to Celine Dion sing for hours than listen to Nacy Grace . Which as you all know , Celion Dion sucks . On SBTB Jessie takes " pep pills " to study , and burn the candle at the other end for a music video she is in . She ends up having a mental breakdown in her room , throwing her pills all over her comforter . This teaches me that she is " so excited , and so scared . " I get it now Jessie . Don 't take pep pills , and don 't be in a tragic 90 's music video . Did the news teach me that ? No . I would have to scour the internet to find information on current events that are important . Find out how Japan is coping , what 's going on in Libya ( I totally spelled that wrong and spellcheck gave me the suggestion of " labia " thanks spellcheck ! ) , or about people that need help elsewhere . On SBTB they find oil under the football field . They are going to be rich ! Until the drilling goes horrible wrong and all the local wildlife gets covered in crude oil . I can 't remember how that episode ends , but I think they decide to stop drilling and clean off all the ducks with some Dawn soap . . . Speaking of oil slicks , what 's happening down off the Gulf ? You don 't know either ? That 's because Kate wore an Alexander McQueen dress to the BAFTA 's . Clearly , that is more important . I would go with the theory of , " they are trying to keep the news light . " Then , they cover things like the tot mom . WTF ? As a nation , we care so little about international current events . It 's tragic . Kelly gets a chance to go model in Paris . She would have learned about culture , and seen the world . Zach was selfish and didn 't want her to go . So , in the end she didn 't . See ? SBTB is the SAME . Except it is over in a half hour and I am not left thinking about how to make a beet smoothie . ( It was totally on GMA a day or two ago . ) Disclaimer : I apologize to all dental hygienists . This does not apply to you . Dental hygienists are probably some of the nicest people I have ever met . Why ? Because you scrape dookie out of people 's mouths and you are nice about it . Except for that one time in England . Where she wanted to take her lunch break . Chad went first and came out of the room HOLDING A PAPER TOWEL OVER HIS MOUTH TO CATCH THE SEEPING BLOOD . I went next , and neither one of us brushed our teeth for like a day after that . I still have flashbacks . On to the next subject . I didn 't go to the Dentist for a while after that last pleasant experience . We came back to the states , and I was pregnant . I felt like shit for 9 months . I didn 't want to deal with it . Plus , the books I read said that all they can really do is clean your teeth . I decided to just wait until Charlie came out . The cleaning went well . The hygienist was super nice . She cleaned my teeth and said she didn 't see any cavities . All was good with the world . Then dickbag doctor came in . Do all dentists get their undergrad degree in asshole with a minor in dickhead ? Only female dentists are nice . That 's my conclusion . Let me tell you how excited I am to go in to get those bad boys filled on the 19th of Juliz . Just to have the Stalin of dentistry drilling in my mouth . He showed me the xrays and said " to the untrained eye like yours , you wouldn 't see them . They are between your teeth . " I then freaked out at how they were going to get to them . " Simple manipulations . " Really ? You couldn 't be more specific . How 's about you use your words and explain things to me . You just told me you are going to drill 5 holes in my mouth , and you couldn 't give more of an explanation than two words ? Now , I fear my insurance won 't pay if I decided to go to a different dentist . So , I have to have faith that Dr . Asshole 1 . won 't screw up and 2 . won 't be a complete asshat . Look guy , I know you are busy . However , a little nice chat wouldn 't kill your practice . My " failure to floss " is money in your pocket to go buy asshole things like knives with boners on them , and $ 800 shoes that look like duck feet made out of crocodiles . I don 't know where else to go with this , so I am just going to stop writing . It 's getting hella close to my 30th birthday . Remember when you thought 30 was old ? Now , I keep trying to convince myself 30 is the new 20 , just with less sluttiness , less bad decisions , and no belly tops . So the 4th has come and gone . I am grateful it 's over , and so are my dogs . It 's one of my least favorite holidays . It was the worst this year , because our neighbor that is like 2 down from us decided to use his pension to buy fireworks . I am not sure that 's true , but it sure seemed like it . Seriously , he had to have spent over $ 1 , 000 on fireworks . Just to set them off little by little over the course of 15 hours . You know what 's annoying ? Trying to sleep through black cats . . . and it was like he knew people were trying to sleep so he would wait 30 minutes between rounds . Thanks ass hole . I had just rolled back to sleep . I thought of all the things I would say to him . I thought about rolling out of bed , putting on my mom robe filled with baby spit up , and walking down the street to tell him off . I thought about opening the window and just yelling " ASS HOLE ! " I thought about calling the cops . Chad had to work the next day , and it was a very early day . I wanted to light his house on fire . It went on and on until 2 AM . I was a complete bitch on Tuesday . Why did every other neighbor do exactly what I did ? I was counting on someone else in this allotment to be a bigger bitch than me . Clearly I am the only one that can 't stand fireworks past 10 PM . I already tolerate the bombs that go off near the base on a weekly basis . Can we all agree that you don 't need to cash in your 401K on fireworks ? I am so torn over the new style of putting a feather in your hair . It 's a little too Yankee Doodle for me ( I will call it macaroni ) , but it does look cute . I also think it 's nice that American Indian fashions are finally getting noticed . Did you kill the rooster you have dangling from your hair ? Did the primal need to kill take over ? You thought after you killed that chicken , " this will signify my kill . " It 's a little weird . But it 's CUTE . I remember the 90 's when friendship bracelets went to the next level , and people were putting them in their hair . This is just an extension of that . The 90 's fashions are back so why not bad hair decisions ? Those freaking feathers cost like $ 200 . $ 200 for a tail feather that some bird spent it 's entire life pooping on . Just to look like your robot parts malfunctioned and you started growing feathers out of your head . I grow three weird hairs . One on my side that is like white , and like every 5 months I am like " What the hell is that ? " Just to see that my body malfunctioned and decided to grow a 4 inch hair on my torso . Is that what these feathers are supposed to be like ? I am also sort of against an animal being raised just to be killed it for it 's tail feathers . Haven 't we thought of enough ways to show our dominance over things without thumbs ? Poor chickens , they already taste delicious . Now we are playing with their dead carcasses as well ? I have a new rule , unless you personally killed that chicken , you can 't have it glued in your hair . Plus , you look ridiculous white girl . Unless your name is " Runswithwind " and you just go by Debbie , STOP IT . It doesn 't make you look Bohemian . It makes you look like the Coach bag was too heavy to have glued into your hair . If you want to look Bohemian , try not showering and living out of a shopping cart . Does your feather require a special shampoo ? Where do you buy feather shampoo ? Tractor Supply ? Did your feather come with a dream catcher and a 65 year old man that smokes way too much pot ? Do you like the smell of patcholi ? The questions I have . There is now even and infomercial for clip in feathers . They show the ease with which you can " change up your look " by clipping it in , in a different region of your hair . Really ? You need to show me a video for that ? Pretty sure I can figure out how to look douchey on my own . Incase you were curious here . . . now you too can look like a jackass ! Don 't kid yourself into thinking you DON ' T look like the people in this video if you have a more expensive one . You do . Trust me . You do . It 's just you can see it more clearly on someone other than yourself . Take the feather out . You will thank me . I promise . My kid got my poop gene . I know he did . Why ? Because he goes for days without pooping . He is crabby , and mean , and terrible . Then , all of the sudden it 's like a sumo wrestler shit in my kid 's diaper . Then , he sleeps for one whole day and night . I would sleep better too if I had just expelled 1 / 10th of my own body weight . What 's worse is that it 's not uncommon in breastfed babies to not poop for days . . . so what happens is their waste starts to ROT INSIDE OF THEM . Yes , you read that right . Rotting poop . His farts have smelled like rotten eggs for days . I have been waiting for the moment to come to fruition . It always happens when you least expect it . Like getting him up from a nap , and talking on the phone to the eye doctor about your upcoming appointment , and trying to open his diaper , and holding the phone with your shoulder to be so shocked by what you have just unearthed that you DROP YOUR PHONE IN PEANUT BUTTER POOP . Except it 's not peanut butter . It 's something that must be in one of the layers of hell in Dante 's Inferno . I signed up for baby coo 's and the occasional spit - up . Not Poopapalooza . Seriously , I am a little traumatized . Speaking of traumatized , Charlie is . By his car seat . For the first 2 months we called his car seat " the coma maker . " Now , I lovingly refer to it as the " Turkey Maker . " We took that long ass trip to WV . It was TERRIBLE . First hour . . . he was great . . . . then he started crying , which made him sweat , which made him cry . He seriously looked like and felt like a basted turkey every time we would take him out of his seat . He sweat through his clothes and you would think a baby could only scream for like ohhh an hour or two and then would pass out . NOT MY CHILD . No , my child can cry for 7 hours . Straight . We would turn up the radio , he would cry louder . At one point , I thought we were all going to cry . Now , even short car trips involve dramatic baby butterball crying . It 's horrible . He comes out of the car seat coated in sweat . We look like terrible parents that enjoy the air conditioning in the front seat and apparently stick our child in a small portable car oven . When you are out in public and you see a bottle on the ground , do you immediately think , " I bet that is filled with homeless people 's urine ? " I do . Thanks Mom . As a child , I apparently really wanted to pick up those random bottles . Clearly the logical thing to tell an eight year old is that they are filled with drifter pee . Now , looking back I am left with a lot of questions . . . Seriously , on the floor of my kitchen . Charlie crying in his baby rocking chair , and me crying on the floor . Where did life go so wrong ? I threw it in the toilet and peed on top of it for good measure . I am so ashamed . I am calling an exterminator . My Mom said it was probably from the dirtbag neighbor 's house . I give his dog away and he gives me cockroaches ? That doesn 't seem fair . So , I got up and decided that Charlie would have to cry . I had to clean my kitchen . I just can 't get the mental image of that fucker out of my head . So , I decided to clean out my cabinet . Once I finished cleaning the floor on my hands and knees , I decided to go thru my cupboard . Here are a few things that I am going to share with you that I keep in my kitchen closet . I know I have them , and I keep them in there . . . . I am kinda proud of these things , and also sort of terrified of myself at the same time . This is my sweet closet plant . It 's growing on a sweet potato I have had since December when my Dad came to visit . I named him Bobby . I don 't have the heart to throw him away , and he has repaid me by making himself at home . In another year , I will have a little sweet potato family . Judge away people . I can 't throw it out . It has memories , you know of when my Dad came to visit for Christmas . I made Christmas ribs . Why ? Because we live about 5 miles from a turkey factory , and we had to turn our water on when we first moved in and since then I WILL NEVER EAT TURKEY . It smelled worse than moldy feces . So , I guess between that , and it seemed like something Jesus - y we had ribs . And I had this little gem left over . What 's that bag behind Bobby ? That 's a bag of 4 year old cookies that my Grandma sent me for Christmas . I can 't part with them . I am attached to them because it 's from when she was still well enough to make cookies that looked like cookies . So , there they stay . Probably attracting cockroaches . Yes , that 's a lampshade . Yes , that is where I keep it . Do you have a better idea of a place to keep an extra lampshade ? When I was growing up my Mom kept the scissors on hooks inside our pantry . . . but not near the floor . . . like 5 feet in the air . I keep my scissors in a drawer and every time I pull them out , I think that I should have them hanging up somewhere . I use my parent 's organizational system , to an extent . When I go to other people 's houses I assume they use the same type of organizational system . . . I am a Mother of a very wonderful young boy . Everyday is different . I have a college degree , and I don 't use it . I am married to the coolest dude on earth . Weird stuff happens to me . This is my story .

Meet Emma . She 's a 23 year old woman struggling to find her way and facing an uncertain future . Join her as she navigates through love , loss , life and everything that falls in between . This is a fictional blog . Posts will be made on Tuesday and Friday . I apologize for seemingly disappearing without a word . This blog will be on temporary hiatus until mid June . Normal posting will resume June 13th at the latest . Thank you all for understanding , and thank you all for reading . " No , not really , " she began , her voice thick and raspy . I could hear voices and noise in the background but couldn 't quite make it out . " Melinda , what 's going on ? " I asked , my pulse quickening . Something had to be very wrong to warrant this call . " No , I 'm alone . Why , what 's going on ? " I repeated my question . I paced my bedroom in the dark , tugging at the tangled ends of my hair . * Sorry again for the late post . I haven 't had a day off for over a week until today and didn 't have the energy to write . See you all again on Friday at the normal time ! * Of course , Holly was the person I went to about my Michael dilemma . She 'd known Michael even longer than I had . They 'd gone to elementary school together , although they hadn 't necessarily been childhood friends . I knew I could trust Holly to give me her opinion without letting emotion into the equation . I knew Kate still loathed Michael and didn 't trust him . I knew her answer would immediately be to destroy the letter without reading it . Holly would at least help me weigh the pros and cons to the situation . I called her up and she promised to swing by my apartment later in the afternoon before she had to head to her second job . I spent the afternoon alone with my thoughts . Michael and I had met in junior high school when we were only 12 years old . I had moved to the Midwest with my parents that previous summer . Michael and I met in our eighth grade Spanish class . Our seats had been assigned alphabetically by last name . Mine is Bradley and his is Brandon , so naturally we were seated together . I thought he was fun to talk to and we 'd been friendly throughout the school year . All through junior high and high school , our lockers had been next door to each other . We had numerous classes together . Looking back , there had always been a friendly flirtation between us . Michael had the same girlfriend , Corinne , all through those years . I 'd always admired their relationship . Most kids in high school dated around . There were always breakups , makeups and drama to be found , typical of high school . After graduation , Michael and I lost touch for about a year . He 'd actually shown up at the restaurant I worked at to visit my coworker , Chris . We 'd gotten to talking and I found out he 'd split up with Cori a few months prior . We agreed to hang out , which turned into a date . The first date led to many more and we 'd quickly fallen in love . Can you remember the first time you fell in love ? I can . It wasn 't Michael , though . It had been my high school boyfriend , Alex , whom I 'd lost my virginity to . We 'd gone through that obsessive , infatuated state and that state never really ended . There was a lot of passion there . We loved each other madly and argued viciously . We were too alike and too different all at once . Being with Michael wasn 't like that . It was always comfortable and natural for us . Some friends had joked that they always figured we would end up together . Michael was my first grown up relationship . We spent mostly happy years together . I still can 't pinpoint when things changed . I 'd been pushing for an engagement for awhile . That 's what couples do , right ? They date for awhile , live together a few years and then they get married . I 'd wanted that desperately , but looking back , I only wanted it because I thought it was the way things were supposed to be . Michael and I had grown apart . I know now that we 've both changed but his change had been for the worse . I was napping on the couch when Holly arrived . She fussed over me , asking rapid fire questions . Have you been eating regularly to prevent feeling faint ? Have you been resting ? Are you in pain ? Do you need anything ? It was sweet , really . She 's a good person with a huge heart . We talked a little about my accident , we chatted a bit about what a jerk Eric turned out to be , she mentioned organizing my baby shower . And finally , the talk turned to Michael . I was careful about what I revealed . It wasn 't my place to talk about Michael 's mental health or hospitalization in a psychiatric facility . I kept my statements vague yet touched on the idea that Michael was striving to improve himself and felt that writing me a letter would be therapeutic . " I think , no , I know I want to read it . I want to satisfy my curiosity and see what he has to say . I feel like I need some insight or closure or an explanation for his crazy behavior . " I trailed off . " But I 'm not sure it 's a good idea . Reading it could be stressful . It could just be a hateful letter blaming me for his problems . It could be an attempt to win me back , which absolutely won 't happen . It could be a tactic to get me to drop the lawyer talks so he can fight for parental rights . Honestly , it could be anything ! " " Hon , you 're right . It could be any or none of the above . My opinion ? You should read it but take it with a grain of salt . If it gives you peace of mind to see what he has to say , go for it . If it turns out to be a nasty letter , give a copy to Rebecca . It could help you ensure custody and the right to allow him the relationship with your child that you see fit . " Holly spoke diplomatically . " I hadn 't thought of it like that . You 're totally right . Either the letter helps both of us heal or it helps me protect myself and my daughter . I 'll call Melinda and tell her I 've made up my mind . " Melinda was eager to bring me the letter and check in with me for a brief visit . She looked older , somehow . I hadn 't realized just how much of an impact this Michael situation has had on her . She informed me he 'd be leaving the hospital within 24 - 48 hours and would ideally be staying with them for a little while . I thanked her for the update and she promised he wouldn 't be bothering me . I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying something snarky . After she left , I sat down to read the letter . I was surprised to find two more envelopes inside , along with the short letter . Each envelope had my name and instructions not to open them until a date listed two weeks from today . It struck me as odd , but I assume he had a reason . " Emma , hopefully you 've agreed to accept these letters . I 'm sure my parents have explained everything to you . I 'm so sorry for all I 've put you through . You didn 't deserve that sort of treatment and I 'm ashamed of my actions . Therapy has been really beneficial for me and I 've come to accept why you left and the reality of our situation . Someday , I hope you 'll find it in your heart to forgive me . " The letter was simply signed " Michael " . It was anticlimactic , really . Just a generic apology letter . I felt better having read it , though . I put the other letters away in a drawer . Despite my gnawing curiosity about them , I decided to respect his wishes and open them on the date he 'd instructed . I spent a few hours of the day working and it helped me feel better and more normal somehow . Kate and Dale came by to have dinner with me and to watch some movies on Netflix . Again , I fell asleep early . I was awakened around 3 am by my ringing phone . I fumbled around for it with a growing feeling of dread . There are never any good reasons for a middle of the night phone call . My boss is seriously amazing . I called Richard to speak with him and update him on my well being the day after I was released from the hospital . He was very concerned with how I was feeling and how long it may take me to recover . Now , I 've had bosses in the past who would ask how soon I 'd be well , but really meant how soon can you get back to work . Not Richard ! He made a really great suggestion . He knows that I need to save as much money as possible , and rather than wipe out all of my accrued sick time or paid time off , suggested that I work from home if and when I feel up to it , until I 'm ready and able to return to work . I was nearly in tears , I was so grateful . He talked to Celeste ( the boss boss ) and already had it approved . He spent time working with our IT department to get me a laptop from the office to access our network and do everything I need to be able to do from home . I thanked him profusely and assured him I was confident I 'd be ready within 2 days to at least work four hours at a time . I made good on my promise and showed up at work 2 days later with my medical documents ( required by our HR department ) . Our IT department somehow arranged it so that anything I printed using the laptop would be printed out in Richard 's office , eliminating the need for me to actually show up at the end of each shift simply to print off and file my documents . They are printed in his office and given to my coworker Kaylee to file . Kaylee is the one who trained me for the most part ; we work the same position ( she works 6am - 2pm , so our shift only overlaps by 2 hours ) and have shared reports and responsibilities . She was sweet enough to send me an email wishing me well and assuring me it 'd be no problem for her to physically file my printed reports . I am so blessed to work with great people that actually care about each other , not just the company . I 'm thinking about suggesting to Richard that instead of taking a full maternity leave when the baby comes , I can arrange to work at home for a few hours a day with one full day a week actually at the call center . I waiting to make that suggestion , however . I want to see if me working from home is a good fit for myself and my bosses . Kate 's huge eyes mirrored my own . We both knew only one person would be knocking at my door : Rob . She mouthed Oh , my God in my direction as she got up to answer the door . I crossed my fingers that he hadn 't heard what I 'd said . Lord knows he 'd definitely get the wrong impression . Kate looked through the peephole then slowly opened the door . Rob stood in the doorway , grocery bags dangling from one hand and a Panera hibiscus tea in the other . His expression was a mixture of bewilderment and pride . Without warning , Kate burst into uncontrollable laughter , collapsing against the wall nearest my front door . Rob raised an eyebrow at me , making the cuckoo motion with his index finger and nearly dropping my tea in the process . Personally , I was too embarrassed and far too sore to laugh . Kate was doing enough laughing for the both of us , anyway . She took deep , gasping breaths , struggling to stop the laughter . Rob made his way across my small living room , handing me the tea . I greedily took a huge sip . That tea is surely sent to Panera straight from heaven ! " I 'll , uh , put this stuff in the kitchen , be right back , " he flashed me his typical smirk . Ugh , there was no way he hadn 't heard my fake love proclamation . Kate made eye contact with me , still fighting to suppress her laughter . " He totally heard you , " she half - whispered . I shushed her , hoping if I pretended nothing had been said , so would Rob . I mean , what could I possibly say to him ? ' Oh , hey , totally just kidding . Definitely not in love with you ! ' ? I knew Rob didn 't see me that way , but I imagine it would still be a blow to the ego , right ? " Oh , my god , Kate , stop ! " I exclaimed . I could feel my own urge to laugh rising , but knowing the pain my ribs and collar would feel , I shoved the urge down . " Rob , will you just come in here for a second ? " I called out to him . He popped his head around the corner , grinning from ear to ear . Kate 's shoulders still shook lightly , but she was no longer audibly laughing . She wiped at her eyes and took a deep , shaky breath . " So , I dunno how much you heard , but I swear , it 's not what it sounded like , " I began and he nodded for me to continue , smirking all the while . " Kate has this thing , and by that I mean an obsession . Her thing is to find reason in every little thing to accuse one of us of being in love with the other . Oh , Rob went to the gas station today and so did you ? Must be fate ! Oh , you and Rob both like macaroni and cheese , you should get married . Oh , you guys are the opposite sex ? Clearly , you love each other ! You only heard the tail end of it and I was just trying to shut her up . Ugh , I feel so awkward ! " " Aw , don 't be embarrassed . I know I 'm hard to resist , you don 't have to make up lies about Kate . I mean , I even made you puke at dinner one time ! " " I 've gotta head out if you 're okay , Emma . Rent is due soon and I gotta head to the club for the night . I can come by after and stay the night if you want ? " I nodded , " Okay , just call me when you 're done for the night . Depending on how I 'm feeling , I might need you to stay the night . You can stop by either way if it gives you peace of mind . " She smiled , " I 'll call you later on . Seriously , if you need me , I want to be here . I 'll let you two lovebirds enjoy some alone time ! " Kate couldn 't resist one final joke at my expense . One thing I really loved about her is she could take it just as well as she could dish it out . The door clicked shut behind her and Rob locked it for me . Despite Michael having been out of the picture for a few weeks now , having a locked door still gave me a sense of security . He sat down on the couch beside me , suddenly looking very serious . He nodded , " I 'm just glad you weren 't hurt any worse . When Kate knocked on my door in a panic , I feared the worst . I thought she was going to tell me that Michael hurt you or something . I was so relieved when we found out you were relatively okay . Being told we couldn 't see you was heartbreaking , for Kate especially . She 's a true friend . " " She really is , and so are you . I honestly don 't know what I would do without you guys and my friends . You all are seriously the backbone of my life right now . I can 't thank you enough for being here right now . " I felt myself getting misty eyed . I had so many wonderful friends , who cares about Michael or Manda or Eric or the shitty drama and stress they 've brought upon me ? With people like Kate , Rob , Dale and Holly in my life , I could weather anything . I sighed softly . I hadn 't had a chance to see or talk to Rob since I 'd gotten out of the hospital . I quickly filled him in on everything that had transpired . He shook his head and made a small sound of disgust . " You 're better off , honestly . A guy who acts like that before you guys even have a real commitment will be nothing but trouble . I have an ex who loved going through my phone , just dying to find something bad . I never gave her a reason not to trust me . I would 've gladly handed my phone over to her if she 'd asked , but she had to be sneaky and paranoid . I can 't say I was too surprised when I found out shed cheated on me . People love to project their wrong doings onto other people . " " You are absolutely right . From here on , I 'm going to be more careful about who I let into my life . It 's no longer just me that I need to worry about . This little girl will be here soon and I need to be the strongest person I can be when that time comes . She deserves it . " " You 'll be a wonderful mom , I just know it . Why don 't you get some rest ? I 'll just hang out and watch tv or something quiet while you do . Just call me if you need me . " The ultrasound technician entered the room , startling me out of my mental fog . I gave her a weak wave , not trusting myself to speak yet . She flashed a warm smile . The technician applied the gel to my belly and pelvic region . I waited patiently and silently as she moved the wand around . I was too afraid to look at her or the screen . I knew that detecting even the slightest frown or scowl would lead to me panicking . I simply shut my eyes and focused on my breathing . My normal posts appear on Tuesday and Friday . Let me know if you have any preference on which day the extra post appears . Also , let me know what you want to see more of in the blog . Do you like when I reply to your comments ? Are you happy with the content and length of posts ? What can I do to improve your reading experience ? I am open to suggestion . Murmured , frantic voices permeate the darkness . I 'm vaguely aware of a searing pain radiating across my side . My mind is struggling to pull me to consciousness . Fragmented thoughts cross my mind . I was clenching my jaw in anger so tightly , my teeth and head began to ache . I waited a beat for him to continue . He didn 't utter another word . I broke the silence . " That 's it , then ? All you have to say is you don 't know what to say ? " I threw my hands up in exhasperation , exhaling forcefully . " I 'm sorry . " His voice was barely audible . I 'm not sure if he was whispering , or if my anger was drowning out the sounds around me . Read more » My mouth went dry . I could feel my heartbeat in my throat and struggled to make sense of what I was reading . I knew immediately that it hadn 't been Michael . " Do you think Michael would do that , though ? I mean , he has to know that you 'd find out someone got into your accounts . He 'd have to be pretty stupid to risk it . It 'll look really bad if he hacked the accounts of someone with a restraining order against him , especially after violating the order already . " Kate spoke thoughtfully , swirling the ice in her drink . I 'm a 27 year old gal living in the Midwest . I love blogging almost as much as I love reading fictional blogs . Posts about Emma will appear on Tuesdays and Fridays !

February 12 , 2017 | is it bedtime yet ? A promotion ! ! ! I looked at the email more closely . This was great news ; long - awaited and hard earned news . So why was my first feeling that of panic ? What was I thinking I berated myself ? Weren 't things ticking along nicely as they were ; our lives were plodding along predictably enough , did I really need to upend the apple cart just for a promotion ? If you 're a mother , chances are that last self probing question has you nodding your head in understanding . If you are a father , you are more likely baffled at its existence . I don 't think men and women are from different planets but I do think mothers take on a lot more of the invisible parenting burdens . Mothers who work outside the home are more likely to work part - time , have job sharing arrangements , take parental leave and career breaks . In other words , our working careers take a back seat to our parenting career . Fathers appear to not be as affected career wise by the pitter patter of little feet at home . I needed to talk myself into accepting an upward move in work - what father would look past the increased salary , extra annual leave etc . and only see the headache of sick children , parent teacher appointments and other such considerations ? I felt robbed of future opportunities to be more readily available to my children simply by being presented with a wonderful career opportunity . I hadn 't even replied to the email at this point yet I was already worrying about making phone calls to new managers when a little person had been vomiting all night … I have heard plenty about the Glass Ceiling that can halt female progress in the working world in some instances . I can only speak for myself and while initially it felt that I was the one putting obstacles in my own path , in reality those obstacles just shouldn 't even exist in the first place . Yes , I was worrying about getting to pick the kids up at the time that suits us all best and wondering how they would feel if they were in their daycare twenty minutes longer a day . But why did I have to feel like that ? I needed to give myself a stern talking to in order to accept an upward move in work - what father would look past the increased salary , extra annual leave etc . and only see the headache of sick children , parent teacher appointments and other such considerations ? I felt robbed of future opportunities to be more readily available to my children simply by being presented with a wonderful career opportunity . I hadn 't even replied to the email at this point yet I was already worrying about making phone calls to new managers when a little person had been vomiting all night … Fate was clearly idle the weekend before I reported for duty on my first morning in my new role , as nothing but an evil sense of humour would have inflicted a vomiting bug on my little family . The toddler went down first , and we were still hopeful it was a one off . Optimism waned as my husband succumbed to the intruder and I was slain by Saturday night . There 's nothing like a good old virus induced stomach purge to take your mind off the daunting idea of a new job … My most pressing concern wasn 't that I would still be ill on Monday morning , but that my daughter was going to be sick too and not able for school . And sure enough , she wasn 't well and alternative plans had to be put in place for two days . She ended up having to go see our GP and it was the first time in her six years on the planet that I didn 't accompany her . However , I have decided to bin the guilt ( well it 's a work in progress ) . She managed perfectly fine with my parents and husband tag - teaming but it still felt to me like they were picking up my slack . I doubt my husband has ever felt that way when I 've taken care of sick little ones when he 's been in work . January 23 , 2017 | is it bedtime yet ? My first baby 's anticipated arrival activated a flurry of shopping . " How were there so many pieces of baby equipment that I never knew I needed " I would wonder to myself as I lumbered around Mothercare ? Surely if someone went to the effort to create this magical feat of engineering , that meant mothers everywhere were screaming for it ? What sort of a parent would I be if I didn 't try to make sure I had what we would need ? Credit cards were duly swiped , loyalty schemes signed up for and large cardboard boxes lugged home . Now I look back now on the lunacy of it all , but it was part of my journey into parenthood , buying shit made me feel more prepared . Armed . Equipped for the rapidly approaching uncertainty . A bit of reassurance in a box . When I think of all the crap my first born was bought it 's laughable . She was equipped with enough paraphernalia to open a small shop . So many unused items littered the tops of wardrobes , languished in boxes under beds and squatted in grandparents attics . We lived in an apartment at the time and couldn 't offer all the useless pieces of plastic the storage they required . Then my second baby was born ! All manner of equipment was dusted off and examined to see if it something I had ever used , or would use again . Needless to say we made do with a lot less of baby number two , and not because it wasn 't to hand but because it was a waste of time . I did some brisk business on sites like adverts and donedeal passing on items to ( I presume ) first hand parents desperately searching for their own suit of armour . At least they were sensible enough to buy second hand . Baby - swings . Off we set to the shops with great enthusiasm when we thought the little velcro baby might enjoy the rocking motion of a swing ! Upon building the swing we quickly realised the model we had chosen took up more space than our kitchen so it was returned for a more stream - lined and modest version . Baby 1 did tolerate it at times but Baby 2 held no truck with any sort of replacement for Mama 's arms . Slumber Bear . The public health nurse suggested this one , so with an official stamp of approval off we set once again . Slumber Bear is a bear with an audio device inside that can play sounds similar to those the baby heard in the womb . It looked cute , that 's all I 'll say . A white noise app would serve the same function these days . Of course we didn 't really learn our lesson as in a fit of sleep deprivation and desperation with Baby 2 I signed up for one of those crowd funding schemes for a Lulla Doll in the hopes that time will have seen great advancements . He did like it , it sounds like Darth Vader breathing and has an audible heart - beat . But I keep forgetting to change the batteries so the effectiveness has worn off . Nappy bin . We decided that given our residency in a first floor apartment and no access immediately to an outdoor bin that this was a fantastic idea ! We could hygienically shrink wrap the stinky nappies and they would be stored en - masse until such time as the bin was full and needed to be emptied . This just created a stinky bin that would have us gagging as it was emptied . Doppler . I know this pre - dates the actual arrival of Baby 1 , but it was bought when I felt I could do with the reassurance of being able to listen in to baby 's heartbeat whenever I felt like it . It was sweet but often caused moments of panic when I couldn 't locate the thundering hooves of her little heart immediately . I don 't think I even tried it out once with Baby 2 . Tens machine . I bought my own … enough said . I will say that I don 't know if things would have been worse if I wasn 't using it , and no way was I taking it off to test that out ! Fun for those who enjoy the sensation of being electrocuted . Electric breast pump . I had a manual pump for Baby 1 and decided that an electric must surely be better so invested in one before Baby 2 arrived . It seems to be a very personal issue and there 's no real way of knowing in advance which would suit you best . But I will say I maybe used the electric one 2 or 3 times ( I had the Medela Swing ) and we were not well paired . I turned back to my trusty manual pump for a quicker and more productive result . The Gummee Glove . This was purchased for Baby 2 as I thought it sounded ingenious ! And in fact it does , if your baby will use it . Mine was most dismissive . So now it 's just yet another baby item that belongs to my daughter 's dolls . Same goes for Sophie the Giraffe . In my house anything intended for teething babies are of no interest to them . So do you have any to add to the list ? Are you screaming at the screen in frustration that your baby is most content while chewing on their gummee glove and swinging in the swing with their slumber bear ? The triumph of optimism over experience has led me to make each purchase and I am no doubt will see me buy more . January 16 , 2017 | is it bedtime yet ? This morning the parenting jinx feels very real and very cruel . I look like an extra from The Walking Dead , I feel like crap and the atmosphere at home this morning was less than joyous . I was hit smack in the face with the worst type of the parenting jinx - the sleep one . If you have a child who has not yet fully been convinced that sleep is something to welcome and enjoy , you know what I mean . You try anything and everything in the pursuit of a couple of hours of shut eye , and when miraculously your little darling does indeed bless you by sleeping a teeny bit better , you know to keep your mouth shut . The moment you deviate from this rule , you break the magic . Your little darling 's ears perk up , even when they are far , far away . They heard you , and they don 't like it . You dare to be PLEASED that you were denied a bit more of their wonderful awake presence ? ? Well little darling will correct that and things are right back to where they began . And the next time that friend asks you if whatever you did is still working , you are too tired to fully shake your head and hope the desperation in your eyes will answer for you . My two - year old has been described by a lot of different words , among those of us who take care of him the following are very common - strong - willed , not - easy , determined , stubborn , strong , angry ….. ( and we 're being nice there ) . For the sake of balance I will of course say he is wonderfully cuddly , bright , engaging , loving and funny . When he 's in a good mood that is , and that isn 't always the case . He doesn 't put his best side forward that often , and two years in we 're falling apart with the sleep deprivation . We have long since abandoned any hope of getting him to sleep in his own room and our bed is just his bed . In fact there isn 't even a cot or bed in his room anymore . We have given in and gone with what works ( a little better ) in the hopes that it will appease the toddler Gods . I listen to all suggestions of what I can try and recently embarked on a homeopathic remedy adventure with him . Bazinga ! It was working ! It seemed like on the 1st January he just woke up happier in himself , he was more settled and content . He was just easier to mind , and he was sleeping better ! No more waking every half hour in the evening , and the screaming fits that were a nightly occurrence vanished . We didn 't know ourselves ! Not only were we getting more sleep but we were dealing with a more pleasant version on him too ! So now we are right back at 2016 levels of rage and sleep . Too much of one and not enough of the other . The parenting jinx doesn 't like smug parents being over excited about getting 4 hours of sleep in a row ( in a row people ! ! ! it was amazing ) and it opened its jaws wide and bit me on the ass . The bite feels like something Jaws would have inflicted . October 12 , 2016 | is it bedtime yet ? So I 've really gone and given away the ending in the headline , this won 't be about how I 'm not sure if I had PND or if it was just the baby blues that dragged on a bit . It 's my story , and everyone 's story is unique to themselves . I 'm telling it here as I know I read all accounts of individual 's experiences of PND to try and decide if I was doctor - worthy or just needed to cop on and cheer up . So if reading this can help someone , it 's worth telling . Picture the scene - The end of my second pregnancy was tough going and I was signed off work early . Our apartment was sale agreed but the sale wasn 't proceeding due to reasons out of our control . My next door neighbour was raided by the Guards for suspected drug possession , and we were stuck living there . There was a large family drama raging which I was being pulled into . Basically , life was stressful . My beautiful baby was born in the midst of all of this and then when he was just 5 days old , I was re - admitted to hospital with a nasty infection and we were both kept in for 3 nights . I wasn 't in a great place . I had my lovely new son , my 4 year old was besotted with him after all my worries that she would feel left out . I just couldn 't shake a feeling that I was holding my breath . Waiting for the real enjoyment to kick in . I wonder if I in fact had ante - natal depression / anxiety too but just put it all down to the stress I was under . I remember locking myself in the bathroom and bawling my heart out while heavily pregnant . Like I said , there was a lot going on so I 'll never know if the camel 's back was broken earlier . When my son was one month old , on my birthday , I had promised my daughter I would collect her from her daycare with him so she could show him off to her friends . She was so excited . As I walked down to the daycare centre , I felt like I couldn 't breathe . I cried the entire way down behind my sunglasses . I also cried the entire way back up , while now having to also corral an excited 4 year old . I snapped way too much at a great kid during this non - fun period of my life . I still feel so guilty . All I wanted to do was stay home . I could breathe at home . I didn 't want to go out . I didn 't want to speak to anyone . I was beginning to think maybe this all wasn 't just baby blues and dealing with all the factors warring in my life . Perhaps I might have admitted the black dog lurking in the room at that point but instead I woke up one day with a face that was only half working . My son was 4 months old when I got Bell 's Palsy . I was pretty much confined to home , which tied in nicely with the PND and not wanting to venture outside . I wrote about that experience in a previous blog post called Why I embrace fine lines and wrinkles . All attention was focused on trying to make my face work again . I had been going for regular walks during the day ( as the baby only slept when pushed around ) but that was all stopped as I couldn 't risk damaging my eye . Of course , this dragged me further and deeper down into the PND . I had an amazing physiotherapist who used acupuncture to kick start my facial nerves again , progress was being made ! I have a distinct memory of the last acupuncture session , things were looking up Bells Palsy wise , I could move my eyelid again - this should have been great ! But I sobbed as I lay on the table for the 30 minutes I was left to let the needles do their work . One problem being dealt with , another festering . Life was getting back to normal , family drama was resolved , my face was nearly back to normal , I could go out and about again . Yet all I did was cry . I would promise my husband and mother that tomorrow I would ring the public health nurse or the doctor . And then tomorrow would come and I 'd busy myself with something and try to convince them , and myself , I was fine . Nobody was fooled . I had also become obsessed with breast - feeding , which wasn 't an easy journey for me at all . I wasn 't comfortable feeding him away from home , so it was another way to keep me where I felt safe . Looking back I can admit that I believed that if it was the only thing I could do for him that someone else couldn 't , and if I wasn 't feeding him myself then what was my point in his life ? As if that 's all I had to give him . The moment when I realised I needed help coincided with me trying to fit my body under his cot to hide and cry . I would regularly lie down on the floor behind a bed and sob , but I felt like I needed even more sanctuary . And I finally realised that trying to squeeze under a baby 's cot to sob my heart out for no real apparent reason was not normal . I rang the GP 's office and kept chickening out and hanging up . Then I did ring , and the receptionist answered . I burst into tears and told her I thought I had post - natal depression and it had taken me five months to make the call . She said they would get me in to see the doctor that day , that I couldn 't be left waiting any longer . I 'm actually crying here as I type this , remembering the relief that washed over me . I met with my wonderfully supportive doctor and we spoke about all the worries and feelings I had . She prescribed a low dose of anti - depressants and said they could take a few weeks to work and we made an appointment for me to come back . Within a week I felt better , I know medication doesn 't work so quickly for everyone but it just resonated with me . I started to feel like me again , a me I thought was just long gone . My son is two now and in the last few months I was weaned off the tablets entirely . I will be forever grateful for their existence . I am still my normal self , albeit run ragged but such is life with children , but I am able to see the joy and positives in life . Please , if you read this and any of it sounds uncomfortably familiar , don 't let it slide . Life is to be enjoyed , not just tolerated . Life will small children is hard and stressful , but you need to be able to see the moments of joy shine through the clouds . If you see nothing but storms , that 's not ok . Make a call for help . September 22 , 2016 | is it bedtime yet ? My daughter is beautiful ; she is a radiant being who emanates her inner joy and wears her heart on her sleeve . She is beyond compare . My breath regularly catches in my throat when I catch sight of her at random moments and am stunned by her , the way she holds herself , her expressions , the girl she is becoming . In general I try to avoid placing an over - emphasis on looks when I am with my children . I am conscious to not berate my own appearance , keen to encourage tidiness and putting a best foot forward but not that looks are the only important factor in their presentation . My little girl loves all things sparkly , pink and glittery ; she admires outfits on her comrades and loves to play hairdressers . The world of faces is not lost on her . I tend to not post photos of my children on social media sites in general , I don 't want them to feel their value is ever measured in likes and comments . Then one day , my resolve was weakened and allowed myself to buy into the " I want everyone else to see how cute she is and agree with me " mentality . I saw an ad on Facebook from an extras agency looking for children of a certain age with visibly missing teeth . My attention was piqued , my daughter was the requisite age and had been visited by the tooth fairy quite a lot in the near past . She was perfect ! At this point I will mention that a photo of my children and I was in a national newspaper as part of a feature I was mentioned in and she was in her element , the paper cut out was taken into school and toted around for ages as she enjoyed her moment of supposed celebrity . So I told her about the search for a gummy 5 - 7 year old for a TV ad campaign and asked if she wanted me to send her photo . Of course she did ! So we took the necessary full length and head shots on my phone and I whizzed them off in an e - mail to the agency . The days passed and my daughter asked when she was going to be on TV . I had failed her . In my enthusiasm to have everyone else see her as I do , I got caught in the moment and brought her along for the ride . She didn 't even warrant a response it seems , the photos of her beautiful self clearly not rated as what they were looking for . They just couldn 't see what I could . It hurt . But it hurt because I lost myself and allowed myself to buy into it for a moment , I had to have a conversation with her where I told her that maybe they decided to use a boy instead , or a girl who didn 't have glasses and so on . She readily accepted this ( and who is to say it 's not the truth ? ) and went on her merry way . And I gave myself a mental dressing down and promised to never , ever do that to her ( or my son ) again . They are my children and the most beautiful creatures on this planet . And I 'm not the only one who thinks so , my husband and our families think so too . And isn 't that enough ? All kids deserve to bask in that admiration , as families don 't see beauty as only the arrangement of facial features but they see the person as a whole . August 30 , 2016 | is it bedtime yet ? For a few months at the beginning of 2015 I had the smooth , taut , wrinkle free skin on my face that we all try so hard to recapture . No frown lines , laughter lines , creases or any other class of wrinkles . I was hit full force with a bout of Bell 's Palsy when my second child was exactly 4 months old . My son 's birth wasn 't exactly a walk in the park ( what birth is ? ) , there was a lot of stress in our lives with trying to sell our apartment , family drama , a baby that just didn 't get the concept of sleep ; I was tired . Oh so tired . And also refusing to acknowledge the murky waters of post - natal depression I had found myself in ( that is deserving of a whole other blog post which I will get to ) . Basically I was run down , not looking after myself , stressed and exhausted . A sitting duck for an opportunistic passing virus . I woke one night with an unusual headache , so unusual that I texted my headache buddy ( if you get a lot of headaches you will know what I mean ) to try and describe the new feelings with the latest visitor . It passed and I got on with things . Then two days later I took my daughter grocery shopping and I just felt awful . I remember lying my head on the handle of the trolley in the nappy aisle and crying . I figured I was coming down with something . On the drive home I thought the sun was especially strong as my left eye seemed to be getting blinded . At home I noticed my eye wasn 't really blinking properly . I had heard of Bell 's Palsy and suspected this was where the not fully closing eye was headed . I rang the out of hours doctor ( it was a Sunday ) and made an appointment for that afternoon . The left side of my face deteriorated by the minute , it was terrifying . The two sides of my face appeared to be existing totally separately , if I smiled only half of my mouth moved . A number of doctors saw me in the hospital , and looked at my failing face . By now I couldn 't move my eyelid at all or move my mouth on the left side . The entire left side of my face was frozen , paralysed and just sitting there . Waiting for the muscles to remember to move , but the muscles had checked out . Bell 's Palsy was diagnosed ( no need for a brain scan in the end ) , I was prescribed a lot of steroids , eye drops and told to keep my eye patched to protect it . Patching an eye that refuses to stay closed is like trying to get an octopus into a string vest . I felt enough like a side show as it was with my immobilised half - face , was achy and miserable from the virus and trying to keep up the mommy front ( I even had a breast pump brought to me in A & E ) . It was all just too much . My eye was the biggest challenge . I had to sleep ( sleep being a very loose use of the word ) holding my eyelid shut with my hand . I needed to manually blink my eyelid with my hand every few seconds . Imagine that . Pay attention to how often you blink , and imagine having to make sure you pull your eyelid down that often , or your eye dries out . Eye drops and eye lubricant were essential . I used all methods of taping my eye shut to try and rest it , but it would pop open immediately inside the layers of tape and padding . I did eventually discover a trick to try and keep the eye closed , which made for a great pirate costume . I would put enough padding on my eye to make those green maternity pads look like light liners and then use one of those little black sun - bed goggles to hold it all in place ( hubby was dispatched to a tanning shop to source these little gems ) , and it worked for awhile at least . I slept like that - one sexy bed time look I tell you ! My mother has a wonderful physiotherapist and she told her ( in the early days ) about what I was going through . She practices acupuncture and told me to get to her as soon as I could . So my treatment now expanded to include regular pins and needles up and down my arms and legs - I had been so worried there would be needles in my face but that wasn 't the case . Whatever " lines " she was working on hit the spot . Session by session there were little improvements and by the last one I could force my eyelid to close if I tried really hard . Amazing progress given she admits she was worried when she first saw me as I had the worst case in respect of my eye she had seen . It is a testament to her that there are no lasting effects at all . Most people are left with some slight paralysis but I have escaped unscathed . I have noticed that when I yawn my left eye tends to close but that is a small price to pay . I wanted to share my story as when I was googling incessantly trying to read other people 's stories it was hard to come across a complete experience . There were forums where people discussed their recovery but very little one - stop - shop beginning - to - happy - end stories . So here it is . I know that Bell 's Palsy is fairly common in the third trimester of pregnancy and I can only imagine how scary that must be for a mother - to - be to navigate along with all of the other changes in her body . These days I still use all the fancy potions , creams and lotions I can get my hands on to try and try the skin clock back to my early twenties ; but I don 't bemoan the existence of those lines anymore as I can 't tell you how happy I was to see them all come back when my facial nerve kicked back to life and things picked up where they left off . The grass is always greener and everything comes at a price . Embrace those lines , they 're evidence you 've lived , loved and laughed . Any holidays we have embarked upon optimistically with small babies , toddlers and pre - schoolers have been true tests of patience and made us realise the grass is greener at home for the moment . In fact , I even discussed this in a newspaper article written by Office Mum . With rose - tinted sunglasses firmly in place we jetted off to the Canary Islands not once , but twice , with babies . I like to relive my mistakes it would appear . My babies did not like the heat , the pool , the change to their daily routine and the days were pretty much spent tag - teaming indoors with the baby and outdoors at the pool with the 5 year old ( where she was 5 of course ) . However the hankering for some adult down time still persists . So when it seemed every male in a 5 mile radius was packing his tri - colour flag and setting off to France for the Euros , I encouraged the hubby to go too . He was a bit taken aback , but the seed was planted . Discussions were held with would - be travel companions and then late one night a text message pinged in from a friend " The missus gave me the green light ! " , and off they went . In return , I booked a 4 night break to the sun with a friend , which is still looming in the distance . It 's win - win , neither of us are gone for more than 4 nights so it 's manageable when you 're the one at home with the munchkins but long enough when you 're away to really relax into it . He came home worse for wear but with memories of good time to buoy him along . And then he started to realise I still had my trip to look forward to … So now himself and a couple of mates are off to Madrid to a match later on in the year for a couple of nights . Which means I am free to peruse other opportunities should they cross my path . I am very much looking forward to a time when we can holiday properly as a family again , and also when the two of us might enjoy a long weekend break away together but for now the kiddies just aren 't the sort that are easily left so this works for us , for now . Having something to look forward to ( or impatiently cross the days off in the calendar . . ) makes me a more pleasant person to be around , so while this arrangement isn 't for everyone , don 't knock it until you 've tried it . We all do need a break , whether we want to admit it or not . And I sure as hell am going to make the most of mine .

Ella loves this song . I did not teach it to her though , she learned it from her nursery teacher at our church . She sings this usually followed by Twinkle , Twinkle , Little Star . . . but I was lucky to get this one . . . ( Don 't forget to pause the playlist at the bottom of your screen before playing the video . ) This is a six - page envelope mini - album . We will be using the new Bind - It All machine , Urban Lily paper , punches , embellished pull - outs , etc . The class will be held January 26th , 4 - 6 pm . Please call Scrapaganza if you would like to sign - up ! ( 563 ) 391 - 0099 This class will also be taught at the Davenport Parks & Rec . All Day Crop on Jan . 19th . Please make a comment if you are interested . . . Thanks ! Nine today . . . Getting so big , and doing his own thing . He is ' into ' several things right now : reading , piano , video games , basketball , playing with friends , etc . . . the regular nine - year old stuff , I guess . Happy Birthday , buddy ! This post has been out there for a week or so . I am just trying to find the words . . . . to tell my Grandpa that he has had a wonderful life . He has given so much to my family . There are so many memories , but of course the greatest memories are through the example that he has brought to us by just living his life . The Burton heritage is a story full of amazing people , my Grandpa is one of them . This man was hard - working in everything he did for his family , his work , and his church . One of the strongest memories I have is when he was there to witness Craig and I be sealed in the Salt Lake Temple . That meant so much to me . I know that he is going through a very difficult time right now , trying to find his way home to his wife and other loved ones . He has always given his family , each and every one of them his love . I just want him to know that I love him and I will try to always continue his legacy of love , unconditional love , with my own family . I love you Grandpa ! A PERFECT DAY ( 1909 ) Words and Music by Carrie Jacobs - Bond ( 1862 - 1946 ) When you come to the end of a perfect day , And you sit alone with your thought , While the chimes ring out with a carol gay , For the joy that the day has brought . Do you think what the end of a perfect dayCan mean to tired heart , When the sun goes down with a flaming ray , And the dear hearts have to part ? Well , this is the end of a perfect day , Near the end of a journey , too , But it leaves a thought that is big and strong , With a wish that is kind and true . For mem ' ry has painted this perfect dayWith colors that never fade , And we find at the end of a perfect dayThe soul of a friend we 've made . If you ask Craig what was the best part of the past three days , he would say the food . And I would have to agree ! I cooked up a storm for Christmas and wanted to post some recipes here : A few treats : Pretzel Hugs ( Becky Higgins ) 1 bag pretzels1 pkg . M & Ms1 pkg . Hershey " Hugs " Place pretzels on baking stone or sheet . Place a Hug on each pretzel and bake at 200 degrees for about 8 minutes ( just watch for the Hugs to melt ) . Remove from oven and promptly place a couple of M & Ms on each pretzel , pressing into the melted chocolate . Allow to cool before serving . At room temperature , this takes SEVERAL hours . I would recommend making these the day before you plan on eating / delivering . Or you can put them in the refrigerator to speed up the process . Never Fail Sugar Cookies ( Kim Nelson ) 1 cup margarine ( I used butter and it worked just perfect : ) 1 cup sugar3 eggs2 tsp . vanilla3 1 / 2 cups flour3 tsp . baking powderCream together margarine and sugar . Add eggs and vanilla . Stir in flour and baking powder . No need to chill . Roll dough out and cut with cookie cutters . Place on ungreased cookie sheet . Bake at 350 degrees for 8 - 10 minutes . Cookies will not look browned . Let cool , frost , and enjoy : ) Hot Artichoke and Crab Dip ( Pampered Chef ) 1 pkg . ( 8 oz . ) cream cheese softened1 cup mayonnaise1 garlic clove , pressed ( or a dash ofgarlic salt ) 1 can ( 14 oz . ) artichoke hearts in water , drained and chopped1 pkg . ( 8 oz . ) imitation crabmeat , chopped ( 1 1 / 2 to 2 cups ) 3 / 4 cups grated fresh parmesan cheese1 / 3 c thinly sliced green onions with tops ( can be omitted ) 1 tsp . lemon zest ( or I just used a tsp . lemon juice ) 1 / 8 teaspoon ground black pepper1 / 3 cup chopped red bell pepperPreheat oven to 350 degrees . Combine cream cheese and mayo ; mix well and add pressed garlic . Chop artichokes and crabmeat . Grate parmesan cheese . Slice green onions and zest lemon . Add artichokes , crabmeat , parmesan cheese , green onions , lemon zest / juice and black pepper to bowl . Mix well . Spoon micture into small pyrex dish or deep dish baker ( pampered chef ) . Add a little extrPosted by . . . And to All A Good Night ! We have had a wonderful Christmas Season . . . . filled with friends and our little family . We had some friends , Ben and Cindy , over for dinner , and their son was the star of the night with my kids ! Craig and I started a new tradition of opening gifts from each other on Christmas Eve after the kids go to bed . It was nice and quiet and we could just sit and talk while the kids settled into their beds to sleep . Christmas morning was full of surprises . The kids woke up at 5 am , Dad sent them back to bed until 7 am . Then we had a relaxing day in our pajamas until about 5 pm . A few neighbors came over for our traditional Christmas Bingo game . Which ended as a game of bowling and pool . We went to bed ' early ' . . . . just leaving everything for the next morning to get up and play with again ! One last thing : my kids were very blessed to receive gifts from all over Utah and England , our tree was filled with post boxes , instead of wrapping paper . Thanks to all that sent something , there were very many unique surprises . I especially love the handmade gifts and the books , we can never have enough books . Posted by This morning , we got a call from a friend that was going caroling to a home for senior 's . She invited us to go with her and some other families from our school . We got out our Santa hats and headed over . I was amazed by what I saw that day . All of these people who have lived wonderful lives , done so many things for others , we could now do something to make their day better . Christian and Sydnee sang christmas carols and gave out ornaments , kleenex , handmade christmas cards , and candy canes . When we got back in the car , Christian made a comment that " it was really fun " . I told him that great - grandpa wasn 't doing very well , and even though we couldn 't be in Utah to see him and make his day better , we had done something to brighten the day of many other people that were in his same situation . I knew that he would be proud of them . I was proud of them . Because I have been trying to get SO MUCH DONE I was starting to forget the true meaning of Christmas . It is not about the teacher gift 's , the treats , the presents , the house being clean , etc . Tonight , I was reminded what this season is really all about . Posted by I didn 't know if I should use this title or High School Musical : The Reunion . . . It all started about a month ago , when an old friend from high school , Amanda , made a comment on my blog . She had started a blog , and wanted to say ' hi ' ! So I went to her blog and I check it every week or so to see what her little family is up to . Well , from Amanda 's blog , I find another high school friend , Jackie . I haven 't seen or talked to Jackie is several years . We were great friends , went to church together , and I knew her family very well . So I look at her blog , every week , to see what her little family is up to . Last week , I was looking at Jackie 's blog , seeing how her ' bun in the oven ' is , and noticed she had a link to two other friends from high school , Bridgette and Trish . Wow ! All these girls that I adored in high school , and now I have a little glimpse into their lives . . . . . through their weblogs . I also connect with several other friendships from high school and beyond through the internet : Sandee and Rochelle , just to name a few . It really is amazing that all this started with just one little ' hi , how 's your life ? ' And now I share my thoughts and feelings , pictures and videos , with all those friends and more . . . * Edit : Yes , that is me , next to the ' 9 ' in ' 93 ' . . . pink converse , Girbaud ( sp ? ) shorts , it is all me . . . . . Sometimes when I am completely stressed - out , I make a list of the things I need to do and I start to feel a clear mind instead of scatter - brained . So here is my list of things that I need to do : * Preparations for our church Christmas party . Make signs , set - up tonight , food prep . tomorrow , party all goes down at 6 pm Friday night * Finish addressing and mailing my Christmas cards to England family and friends * Finish making and mailing my Christmas cards . . . . to the rest of family and friends * Two uber - creative gifts for my ' creative friends ' . * Pictures printed in B & W and finish mini - book project * 6 layouts for a secret gift . . . . * Another mini - album that I want to make for someone . . . got the idea and pictures . . . just need to put it together * Finish shopping for Sydnee and Christian ( as they get older , the shopping gets harder ) * Make neighbor treats and deliever them ( Have all the supplies and groceries ) That is all I can think of right now , but I am sure there is more that needs to be done . I know that this is not the true meaning of Christmas , we haven 't forgotten that , and maybe that is why a few things have been put to the side until now . I love all the making and creating , so it is going to be a few fun , late nights ! Wish me luck . . . . I couldn 't get Sydnee 's performance video to load . . . so here are a few pictures . She did great at the recital . Sydnee likes dance , especially when Ms . Shelly plays creative games and reads stories that they dance to . She also has a friend there , Alysa , that she doesn 't see at school . Her costume this recital was so cute ! Check out those tattoos from Chuck E . Cheese the night before . . . . oops ! Yesterday , we had Christian 's Christmas piano recital and Sydnee 's winter dance recital . It was a busy day , but so much fun to see the kids perform . Posted by Of Christmas Cards . Thanks to Ali Edward 's new book . . . I have now completed 7 scrapbook pages including all of my christmas cards and photos for the last 6 years . ( 2001 to 2006 , excluding 2002 because I had already made a layout using those cards . ) This took me about 3 hours . . . . I used the christmas paper and supplies that I had , so all the paper is different . . . but I love it . . . I love that it is done and this is another pile from my basement that is gone ! This project is easiest with a 2 " paper punch . I punched each of the photos and sections of the cards that I liked . . . . it was so fast and fun to put together . The other reason that I loved doing this little project is I was able to look back over the years at friends and family , these are the true blessings of life ! I also saw a few friends ' pictures that reminded me to reconnect , call or email , and not let our friendship fade . I loved this reflective project . * * This book is available at Scrapaganza for all those who are reading this that live in the Quad Cities ( or close ) . This is how I remember it . . . I know it looked like a wood barrel . . . . brothers and sisters , cousins , aunts and uncles . . . . . does this look like Grandma Zella 's cookie jar ? * Edit * It is ceramic , but the inside isn 't yellow , it is just off - white . I have cookies in it , but they are store - bought . . . . . it is on my counter and the kids are loving it . We might only be able to keep it there until after Christmas . . . . * * Edited : I only purchased this plastic santa and two metal baskets . . . oh ! and I think my mom and I found my grandma 's cookie jar . To all the Burton relatives who read this blog , be on the look out for a picture very soon and you can tell me what you think . Is it or isn 't it ? My creative friend would be proud ! Went to the junk store today , and found many things that I would love to have , or things that I could have bought for my friends . Sometimes the junk store can be a love - hate relationship . Some days are very good , and other days there will be nothing but a 50 - cent Golden Book for Ella . Today was very , very good . . . . Last night , during a huge ice storm ; Grandma Pattee , Sydnee and I gathered around the kitchen table to make ornaments and Christmas cards . Grandma and I started and then Sydnee was really interested and made ornaments for her friends . I only got 20 cards made ( 60 to go ) but I felt we were really getting into the Christmas mood . Ella even glued an ornament or two . Craig and Christian also got into the holiday spirit by sitting on the couch watching football ! It was a great night , enjoying the time together , and preparing for the holiday . To wish my friend , Candi , a Happy Birthday . Since it is 1 : 19 am on Saturday , I thought I would stay up a minute longer and wish her a wonderful day . Candi and I go way back . . . . our friendship is all because of Oprah ! She got us together . . . . hee hee . . . . Candi invited me to go to the Oprah Show in Chicago last February . . . and we have been friends ever since . Candi is so creative and she also is an amazing mom ! I am so glad to have her as my friend here in Iowa ( even though she lives in Illinois . ) Love ya Candi ! Happy Birthday This is a picture of Craig just after he got back from finding a tree with his buddies Jeff and Chad . I think the story goes : his mom and dad didn 't know where he had gone , and when he showed up at home , after dark , with this " charlie brown " tree , they couldn 't even be upset . I love this picture . It is my favorite picture of Christmas past . So I copied my ' creative friend ' and used the Cosmo Cricket Be Good paper and put it in a magnet frame from my other ' creative friend ' . It is right by the computer and it is the first official decoration of Christmas . About three weeks ago , I went to Utah for a girls ' weekend with Linzi , Rachel , Annette , and Becky . I could give you all of the details , but it all comes down to I needed this weekend . My SIL knew I needed this weekend and I was so grateful to be with these friends for 72 hours . Here are the few pictures that can be posted . We had many others but are safer away from the Internet . There was lots of laughing , some crying , scrapping , spa day , and good girl fun . I am blessed to have these women in my life . They make me a better person all around . Enough of the sappy stuff , which is better : Starbucks or Jamba Juice ? Yesterday , I wasn 't into the Christmas mood . My house was a mess , and I still had the fall decorations up . After I dropped my dad off at the Chicago airport , I listened to Christmas music all the way home . The fall decorations are down and the house is semi - cleaned . Now I just need to find a christmas tree . . . . I have the Christmas Spirit ! Thanks to Christmas music ! Some of my favorite Christmas CDs include : Home For Christmas : Amy GrantChristmastime : Hillary WeeksCarpenters Christmas Portrait ( This one reminds me of when I was little . ) And a new favorite : Noel : Josh GrobanFavorite Songs : My Christmas Prayer : Rob ThomasChristmas Lullaby : Amy GrantDo You Hear What I Hear : Rosie and ElmoHighland CathedralHere is a small list , I am sure I will be adding more as the day goes on . Let 's get decorating ! This year , we started a new tradition for Thanksgiving . At the end of the meal , we passed around a bowl of candy corn and told everyone to take as many as they needed . After the bowl had been passed , Craig and I told everyone that for each candy corn that was taken , you needed to say something you were thankful for . Sydnee took the most with 8 , so she had a long list of gratitude . Here are the others that I could remember : Christian : " water , and all other liquids " Sydnee : " rain , my body , my mom , my brother , my sister , my daddy " Craig : " my heritage , the gospel , my wife and all the things she does that may go unnoticed " Kim : Christian , for how hard he is working to do well in 3rd grade ( it has been tough for him ) ; Craig ; Sydnee and Ella ; my parents , that they could be here in Iowa for ThanksgivingMom : " my grandchildren " Dad : " the past year of his life and all the blessings that have come to his family " ( Ella was asleep during this portion of dinner , so she didn 't participate . ) Christian wrote Turkey Notes . These are small pieces of paper rolled up in tissue paper and tied on each end with yarn . He wrote these at school and I thought they were pretty creative . The turkey note he wrote for his dad said : Turkey Red , Turkey Blue , Turkey says I love football too ! Sydnee sang her Thanksgiving song : 5 fat turkeysScratching in the hayAlong came the farmer 's wifeAnd took one awayThey will serve him for dinnerOn Thanksgiving Day ! Sydnee taught this song to Ella , and she wanted to sing it all by herself , but would only sing it under the table or in the other room where no one could see her . We had a great dinner with all the traditional food items . I made Dana 's Sweet Potato Pudding and it was a hit ! Ella loved the Milk Nog ( half milk , half egg nog ) , and Sydnee and Christian ate mostly turkey and mashed potatoes . It was a Thanksgiving day we will not soon forget . I know this is a long post , and since I was cooking , I didn 't get any pictures , so watch for some from the long weekend . Happy Thanksgiving to everyone ! Here are the pictures of the ornaments that I promised ! The first class is this Sunday from 4 - 6 pm . You will make 10 ornaments . All the patterns and chipboard are from Cosmo Cricket . These will make any tree look adorable . Or they are perfect for gift tags ! Enjoy ! Christian and Sydnee with Gramps in 2004I have so many things to post about today . Lots of events from the weekend . But yesterday , Craig 's Grandpa had surgery on a very difficult spot of cancer that he has been dealing with on his head for several years . I wanted to post a few of our favorite things about Gramps today : * He can walk for miles . We think this is why at his age , he is in such great shape . He has a pedometer that Craig and I gave him many years ago that he sets every week . He can walk and walk and walk . * We love the smell of his pipe . Craig loves the smell of his cherry tobacco . Grandpa 's pipe is even a topic for my children . Christian and Sydnee love Gramp 's pipe . Last week , when Sydnee 's Kindergarten class was talking about not smoking , she came home and told me that we can 't smoke until we are really , really old , like Grandpa in England . * Gramps can talk to anyone and make them feel they are loved . * He can also make you laugh outloud with the stories he tells . He has a great sense of humor . He is always making someone laugh by sharing a great story . * Once when Gramps was visiting from England , I was pregnant with Sydnee . We knew we were having a girl and we were talking about names . Gramps ' nickname for Sydnee - in - utero was Poppy . He really wanted me to name her Poppy . * " What an absolute load of rubbish ! " is Craig 's favorite thing that Gramps says . We are thinking of you Gramps ! You are in our thoughts and prayers . On Sunday , I was dreading having to substitute for Primary again . I haven 't been to an adult Sunday School class in years and I was having a pretty negative attitude , ok a horrible attitude . After class , we all meet together as a large group to sing songs and listen to a lesson that is long enough for the attention span of 25 kids who are on the verge of bouncing off the walls . The chorister was giving the lesson today and for the few short minutes that she spoke , she had those children mesmerized . She told the story of the Ten Lepers from the New Testament . How after Jesus healed them of their disease , only one came back to thank him . After the children read the story from the scriptures , she asked several intriguing questions . She asked the children to picture in their minds how the one leper , who was thankful , felt . Then she shared a simple story . When her oldest son was on his mission , and he had been out in the mission field about a year , she was feeling very discouraged and just wanted him to come home . She was feeling sorry for herself and just wanted her son home safe . In church the next Sunday , she spoke in church and outwardly expressed how thankful she was that her son was serving a mission . From this experience she learned that when you are thankful and grateful for something that may be hard for you at the time , in some miraculous way it makes you feel better inside . Now , those aren 't her exact words , and I am not a really good writer , but when she said this the first thing that came to my mind , and I almost wanted to say it outloud : I AM THANKFUL THAT I AM A MOM . Just for that moment I wanted to feel a little bit better about what I am doing in this crazy world of motherhood . The stress of parenting and how your kids are feeling about different things and if you are doing the right thing to help with all those awkward feelings . The guilt you feel for losing your patience or yelling , at a moment where you should be hugging or saying , I love you . I just wanted to say how grateful I was at that moment toPosted by Here are two layouts I made at the crop on Friday . They were both made with the Cosmo Cricket Dutch Girl paper , chipboard from Rusty Pickle , and American Craft Chipboard Thickers . Dutch Girld is a great line of paper for Fall and Thanksgiving Layouts ! We have it at Scrapaganza too , so check it out ! 1 . I have been going to this Boot Camp class at the YMCA and I can barely move a muscle . 2 . We are painting the kids ' bathroom and Christian 's room this week . 3 . Ella and I are taking a little trip this weekend . . . . I am beyond thrilled . 4 . The vaccuum has been dying a slow death . 5 . Potty training suggestions , anyone ? 6 . Sydnee sorted all the Halloween Candy and we have a big , big bag of mini - candy bars . Yum ! 7 . I am not a fan of school fundraisers . 8 . It is very windy and cold today . I hope the weather is nice when my parents are here for Thanksgiving . 9 . It is time for a shower and to get to work for the day ! 10 . Sorry , I can 't think of anything else that is happening around here , must be the calm before the storm . Craig and I . . . . we don 't get our picture taken very often together , so I passed the camera to get this photo . . . Candi 's Mom and Candi . . . Candi and I . . . Hollee , my friend and YW , playing in the Central High School Marching Band . . . I love owls and had to get this picture . . . just a few more from the parade last night .

I keep cogitating about a garden plan for the side yard . . . Of course , there is no money right now for any of it , but if I have a good plan , then it can move forward when time , energy , and finances allowa rough sketch of landscape ideasThe area is not so shady that things that like moist shade will be happy ( right now it gets morning shade and afternoon sun ) , the ground does drain pretty well , as does most of the yard , thankfully . Today while waiting for the bus home , I came up with this " plan " , with room for rainbarrels , two blueberry bushes , two black elderberries , and room for other plants , possibly something else edible in the central section . There would be a small bench at the end of the garden bed ( rather than across from the window ) and some kind of garden - art / memorial . The area next to the house would be mulched but not planted right next to the side of the house . So far I have been trying to come up with possibilities for flowering plants . . . I 'm thinking about what will make nice cut flowers for in the house , that will bloom at different times of the year . So far I have thought of having some white japanese anemone for fall bloom - I love them , and once there is some shade , they will do okay if I water them . Maybe some white campion . . . I was thinking about planting small bulbs for early spring - grape hyacinth , wood hyacinth , and snowdrops , maybe some of the pheasant - eye narcissus . Can you see , I am getting a kind of mostly white ( with some blue ) color scheme going here ? I 'll probably keep some of the lambs ears around as well . I am not sure about easy - to - grow cut flowers for between spring and autumn ? . My ideal would be to have two different things for each season , not sure how realistic that is given the small space . ~ : ♥ : ~ Lookit what I ran across while wandering around on Ravelry . . . is this not the most awesome Aran motif ? ! ? - Oak Leaf and Acorn center panel - ( hard - to - see scan of black and white xerox ) Since I don 't have back issues of knitting magazines lying around the house , I made use of the periodPosted by I walk a lot , I guess . I just finished these socks not so very long ago . I think I 've worn them maybe four times . If I don 't darn in some reinforcement , I will have walked holes through the heels . Next pair of socks gets some kind of synthetic additive to the heels at least , not so much the back , where the slipstitch pads the wear , but the little spot under the edge of the heel . Or else maybe I need to start knitting the EZ Moccasin socks ? Hmmm , might be a thing to try with the ball of blue patterned sock yarn that I was gifted with this weekendHP is definitely moulting - there is now red hen fluff in the chicken yard , and she is missing most of her tail feathers . Sunday Teaparty was well - attended , with plenty of stitching and string - wrangling . I have a small new new scavenged set of shelves for the sewing / guest room , thanks to the clever salvage skills of my friends Bob and Sam . Now I have a tidy place to store guest blankets and pillows , and some additional textile storage as well . . . . . . back to work , I hear the soldering bench calling my name Sticks and string , sticks and string , can 't stop playing with sticks and string . . . I seem to get mildly obsessed with " hobbies " , ( earlier this year it was all about Coriander ) , and lately I have been spending way too much of my on - the - bus time knitting . The good is that I am almost done with making my family holiday gifts ! ( and it is only September ) . This is good for two reasons : I can make some things for gifties for other folks , and I can think about maybe making some things to try and sell this fall and winter . I 'm starting to think about my calendar for next year , probably going to do another AlphaSketch , with most of the rest of the alphabet . Not sure if any of my fellow crafty friends are interested in having a Holiday Marketplace this year ; I 'd be willing to host one here at Acorn Cottage . . . ~ : ♥ : ~ HennyPenny is not laying eggs . I think she is maybe going into moult , which would be appropriate for this time of year . Still , I hate buying store eggs , they have no taste . Next year , when the Silly Sisters come into lay , I will have an ABUNDANCE of eggs ! ~ : ♥ : ~ Teaparty tomorrow , so I 'd best get off the computer and do a dab of housecleaning . . . Since I started posting my wishes online , about half of them have been granted . . . now mind you , I am not extravagant in my wishing , not like the child that wished for the pony there was no room for in the backyard , or the young adult who wished for a sweetheart that only time and personal growth might allow ( I 'm still waiting on that one ) . Last night , while discussing house design with Nichole , I mentioned that I should probably put the book " A Pattern Language " on my wishlist . She gave me her extra copy to keep , and also The Timeless Way of Building , which is one of the companion volumes . From the time I first read them years ago , these books changed the way I look at the human - made world , and I am completely delighted to have them here at Acorn Cottage for my reference library . ~ : ♥ : ~ Tonight I went to the Portland Art Museum after work . I 've lived here for three years and this was my first visit . In every other city I have lived , the art museum had a time that admission was either free , or by donation . But until very recently , that was not the case here . I 'm not sure where I read that the policy had changed , but every fourth Friday , from 5 to 8 PM , there is no charge for admission . Apparently this information is not widely known , since it was remarkably uncrowded . . . A pleasant way to start the busy weekend , next time I will bring a sketchbook . I was a bit startled when I noticed the 2010 calendars appearing in the shops in August . I don 't usually start thinking about the year - calendar until I am working on winter holiday gifts , which rarely happens this early in the year . Nonetheless , when I saw the new Nikki McClure calendar on the shelf at New Seasons , I had to buy it . Every page is a keeper , and I plan on framing the cover image for my sewing space . I first saw her work at the Olympia Food Co - op , and in the local galleries when I lived in Olympia , and I enjoyed listening to her speak about her work at Powells earlier this year . If you aren 't familiar with her work , this short video is a good introduction : I have been getting some of the settings done , and have continued working on the heraldic enamel cloisonne due soon . . . Anyone out there interested in the Painted Enameling workshop on October 9th - 11th ? ( I would also be interested in trading workshop time for yardwork time , the backyard and garden here at Acorn Cottage could really use some extra help ) Spotted hens , Soldering in the Studio and a teaparty on Sunday . . . I 've been waiting for inspiration to strike me , and finally the new hens have names : Speckledy , Sparkly , and Spot . I 've not spent enough time watching them to be able to tell them apart yet , as they are remarkably similar in appearance - not surprising , as they are sisters . As you can see here , HP has accepted them as part of the flock , and they all crowd into the nest box to sleep at night ( I know , I 've looked in there when closing up the henhouse , and no one is in the main area , they are all crammed into the space that is about the size on a milk crate ! ) Hopefully soon there will be progress on the new hen home . ~ : ♥ : ~ Today 's task is soldering , I hope to have some new images for you tomorrow , of completed settings to go along with the completed enamels . No shilly - shallying today , and no more knitting till I 've completed heaps of studio work . I think my wrists are up for the task , finally . My goal , besides having all the extant UFO studio projects completed and on their way to their new homes , is to sort through the myriad boxes of " random equipment and materials " , arrange them into usable categories , and find them homes in the studio space . Before Acorn Cottage , I never had the space to do this , so I never developed the habit . And not being a Born Organised person , it doesn 't come naturally , I 'd rather do almost anything else . There actually is enough space here to have both the textile area and the metal / enamel area separate , and there is enough shelving and storage boxes to organise into . I 'm attempting to hold in mind the delightful image of knowing where all the stuff is . . . so that when I get an inspiring idea , I can just go ahead and make it , rather than what happens now , where I start looking for a particular tool or material , and get distracted by what I come across , or bogged down in multiple boxes of random objects . ~ : ♥ : ~ I 'll be having a Teaparty on Sunday September 27 here at Acorn Cottage . Usual time : noon to five - bring yourPosted by It is cooling off in the evenings , we have had some rain , a gentle reminder that winter is coming . After a brief flirtation with shawl - ettes , I have been knitting cowl - ish objects . . . The sev [ en ] circle scarf is an intriguing construct , seven knitted rings attached all on one side , worn as a kind of ringscarf - cowl - necklace . It 's a really quick and easy knit , and I think it looks a bit quirky , while still adding desirable warmth . I had some lovely grey - blue alpaca stashed from some long ago yard sale , and this was the result : I liked it so well , that another one was quickly finished , and will be sent off to the intended recipient soon . ( here , folded to show the color progression ) Various shades of raspberry pink with a garnish of deeper reds and an almost chocolate brown , it looks almost good enough to eat . I had to go shopping for this one , ( since the desired color range was so far away from my happy colors , which tend more towards indigo - dark . ) Shopping for yarn is a dangerous , if delightful pastime , and I try my best to keep a firm grip on my common sense and my pocketbook . My friend Beth introduced me to Twisted , which , while not in my neighborhood , is the most congenial of local yarn stores I have been in . When I was there last , the clerk asked if I formerly lived in Olympia , since I " looked familiar " . . . my standard response is " yes , and I was a co - op volunteer for over twenty years " . . . Then I recognised her as well : Star , one of the co - op staff from shortly before I left to move here to Acorn Cottage . Sometimes I feel like I 'm living in a small town even still , even here , in the midst of the city . While seeking appropriately pink yarn , I ran across a pattern for an entrelac knit cowl , and there was a sample all knit up , in a soft multicolor marled yarn " Taos " ( marled is when there are two colors plied together , like a barbershop pole or a candy cane ) I had always been intrigued by entrelac knitting , but it looked intimidating … How wrong I was , it is surprisingly easy and quick , though the knitting - up looks odd on Posted by I am still mending from my fall , and am eager to complete old projects and to get started on new ones . This will be easier now that I had my glasses repaired ; decided that to try and DIY a repair with my face only inches away from the torch - flame was not a wise idea . Found my way to the part of SE where the repair shop was . Since I couldn 't read the street signs , it is fortunate that the bus drivers are familiar with folks not seeing well , and gave me a heads up for the location . I still intend to get an eye exam once I find the time and money , and will then be able to have at least one backup pair . . . going around for most of two days in soft - focus was interesting . On the physical side , it was pretty . I could spend quite a bit of time making artwork based on how the world looks to my natural uncorrected vision - much is simplified , in a way that lends itself to graphical imagery . The very most delightful is the way highway and roads and cars and lights look at night . I am wanting to play around with those images , which I had forgotten about , the way things looked when I was young . . . The contrast , returning to my " corrected " vision after two days , was a bit disorienting . When constantly wearing glasses , their edges and distortions in the visual field gradually become " invisible " , but I found them to be quite jumpy , especially the line between the far and close vision . I expect that by tomorrow , my brain will have adapted back . I am feeling a bit like this is a subtle wake - up call to see more clearly , and to remain aware of my perceiving . Which things in my life am I not seeing well , or forgetting to see ? ~ : ♥ : ~ Had another visit with my pal Valeria , as she was back in town for overnight . Took her along to the weekly potluck on Thursday evening , navigating out to the West Hills ( without my being able to see well ) was a bit of a challenge . The theme was end of summer harvest , I made a squash casserole seasoned with sage , and a mixed fruit crisp . The squash and herbs were from my garden , the fruit I 'd gathered ( and Posted by AAAAhhh ! . . . . the world is now fuzzy . . . Sorry about all the trauma / drama . I had all this reasonably fun and interesting stuff to write about , sat down at the computer and - Wham ! My glasses frames just broke ! Snapped right in half . I 'll bet they were stressed from my falling last week and hitting my face on the sidewalk . ( They broke for the first time several months ago , while Bill was here , and he was able to repair them . I 'm not sure that I have the skill to do the same , will make the attempt of course , but without being able to see clearly . ) I don 't have a current prescription , or a spare pair of bifocals . My spare pair of glasses is only for closeup vision ( being the prescription for the bottom half of my bifocals ) Now mind you , I 'm not blind . Just everything is now totally soft - focus . My field of clear vision is under five inches uncorrected , and about a foot with the backup " computer " glasses . If I could find a cooperative and not wildly expensive eye exam , that would give me not only a prescription but also the " pupil distance " I could order new glasses online at an affordable price . But pretty much any commercial place won 't give you that piece of information , because they want to sell you glasses for triple digits their markup rather than 20 to 50 dollars which is what the online outfits charge . Sigh . I know I won 't be able to find glasses like the ones I currently have ; the last time they broke I 'd looked both online and asked at many many different shops here in Portland , and no one knows what I am asking about . Posted by Still pretty sore from falling , but slowly recovering . Grateful nothing is broken . Will try soldering tomorrow , if my wrists will allow . I really want to finish up all the enamels that are waiting to be set . Sore shoulders and wrists mean that doing anything around the house hurts . At least the cut places inside my mouth are mostly healed . No work on the new chicken home will happen today . I don 't know what I did to my wrists , but they are weak and hurting , particularly on the ulnar side . I hope nothing is broken . It 's not particularly painful to touch , but simple light tasks , like picking up a tea mug , or making the bed , HURT . I may be able to do enameling work , since the pain is less on the right side . Not sure about soldering . . . The thing about being a fast walker is when I fall , I fall hard . Damn ! Posted by all fall down - I was walking home from the grocery store when I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and skidded face down onto the concrete . Split open my palm , and the insides of my lips ( youch ! ) , thankfully my nose and teeth are still intact . Wrists and footbones are really hurting . It was the same dang place where I fell before , a dark middle of the block with a treeroot - humped sidewalk . I whimpered all the way home , then washed the grit out of my hand . Arnica will help , I hope . . . the real question is Why am I so off - balance lately ? ~ : ♥ : ~ Today seemed to be a day of useless journeys . I took the Orca torch over to the folks at Amerigas , to see if they could figure out why it is filling with grease . They were as baffled as I , though they mostly work with larger equipment ; they tried the torch on one of their tanks and it did the same thing , with the tip quickly filling with drippy oily goo . This tells me that it is most probably not my tank of propane , but something gone wrong with the torch assembly somehow . ( sigh ) I will call Otto Frei tomorrow . . . ~ : ♥ : ~ I needed to get some hardware , and some bits of wood for the hen house project . Somehow , that kind of errand ends up taking far more time than initially imagined , since I don 't have a clear plan for the project . Improvisational woodwork seems to be what I can manage . Do those with more wood skills work things out by guess and by golly as well , I wonder ? I figured that starting with a structure that organised a flat surface and some uprights would help , and then I can somehow add in all the complicated bits . Fortunately , the hens were willing to go into the current henhouse together tonight , for the first time HP didn 't chase the youngsters away . This morning , I had found them all crammed into the nest box , and they are spending time somewhat closer together in the yard , they will become a flock in time . I decided based on their size , that the henhouse needs to be long enough for all of them to roost next to one another , but small enough that they will stPosted by On Saturday , the all - day marathon enameling demo at Art in the Pearl was surprisingly energising ; despite setting up in the pouring rain , there were hardy folks showing up in the morning to see the art and talk with the artists and crafters . As the day went on , the sky cleared somewhat , and the crowds thickened . I talked and talked and talked , and in between , I was able to make a good start on my next commissioned pieces , a pair of heraldic enamels , which served as great examples of both a simple design and the delicate work needed to transform a small drawing into a finished enamel . More than one person commented on my enthusiasm and clear explanations , and twenty - six fliers for my autumn workshops went home with possible students . After ten hours of talking to the public , I stopped on the way home for some dinner ingredients , a bit of nourishing chicken to roast and green salad to get my strength back . I had finished unloading all the boxes and bags of gear back into the workroom , the aroma of roasting chicken filled the air , and there at the door was my dear friend Valeria . I knew there was a reason that I had bought two pieces of chicken at the store . The only thing better than a restorative home cooked dinner , is a dinner shared with an old friend . . . ~ : ♥ : ~ On Sunday , after leaving her daughter at Kumoricon , we went back to Art in the Pearl , ( I wanted a chance to look through this years artist and crafters ) , it is rare for me to have a chance to go to a street fair with an artist friend . I found that I was noticing things in company that I might have passed by alone , and that was intriguing . . . oooh you like this , well there must be something special here , and often , there was . I might not have taken a second look at Joe DeCamillis mixed media sculptural paintings in settings made from old books and other ephemera , but V . was fascinated , and on closer examination so was I , his work was both technically superb and thoughtful . I had seen Amanda Blake 's oil paintings online , but the digital images just do not do Posted by Changed and cleaned the torch head againFinished the setting for Randals medallion . Called the local propane dealer to discuss continuing problems with torch . Made an appointment to bring in the torch on Tuesday next . Called to put my name in the lottery to apply for OHP , if they open the lottery next yearContinued working on ongoing studio projects that need completed . Thinking about chicken space remodeling . Decided on dates for autumn enamel workshops : Sept 18 - 20 , Oct 9 - 12 , Nov 20 - 22Picked Saturdays for teaparties : Sept 26 , Oct 31 , Nov 28 and Dec 26Called and spoke with the coordinator for Art in the Pearl demo about transport issues . The plan was for Bill and I to share the space all day for metalwork and enameling demos . But he 's injured and unable to drive here from Olympia ; I have no easy transport to get my gear there on Saturday . Tomorrow is all about prep for all day enameling demo . . . Write up new class flyer and have printed . Gather sample enamels and display materialsOrganise supplies for sample enamelingPrepare cooler with lunch , extra water bottlesand cleaning and tidying the house , as there are two guests coming from Eugene for the weekend . Am going to bed early , I 'm strangely exhausted . Up the McKenzie River east of Eugene , where the woods are deep and shady , the nearby river rapids a constant song , friends and I went camping last weekend . This yearly get - together was a welcome break for me , and falling asleep to the glow of firelight on my tent walls and the sounds of late night storytelling was incredibly peaceful ; I slept deeply and free from my recurrent nightmares . Friday morning we had a good long soak in Cougar Hot Springs , and later that day and evening the rest of the folks arrived . I started and finished a new knitting project , the sev [ en ] circle scarf * , which was promptly dubbed the " neck - t - puss " for its tentacle - like form ; I allowed myself to be lazy , hanging about camp knitting and chatting , and catching up on what my faraway friends have been doing . It is worth all the crazy busy that this week requires to have taken the time to recharge . . . the river , only yards away from where we were campedour encampment : under the dining fly , friends relax around the fire circlemy Norse tent ~ : ♥ : ~ Today I made life a bit easier for myself . For decades I have been doing metal - working , and whenever I use a jewelers saw , I hold the metal against the bench pin with my other hand . The human hand is not meant to be a clamp . Especially my own left hand , the unreconstructed one . I happened to be looking over at the pantry , which is in one corner of the big workroom , opposite the washer and dryer , and saw a big binder clip on the shelf , which I often use to close bags of dry foodstuffs . Lightbulb moment . . . it took no time at all to clip the piece of sheet brass to the bench pin , I can easily loosen and move the metal as needed for sawing , and my hand is very grateful for the relief . ~ : ♥ : ~ * for those signed in to Ravelry , you can find the sev [ en ] circle pattern here

Communion May 6 , 2012 by Steve Harsh , posted in Christian Discipleship , Faith and Values Note : I wrote this story 22 years ago . It breaks my heart that it is still as relevant today as it was in 1990 . The continued struggle of the Christian Church in general and my own United Methodist Church in particular to accept all of God 's children compels me to share it here now . This story is fiction but painfully true . It is part of the collection of stories and plays in my book Building Peace from the Inside Out : Stories for Peace Seekers and Peacemakers . " " What does the Lord require of you but to do justice , love mercy , and to walk humbly with your God ? " Micah 6 : 8 " The body of Christ , broken for you . " I could hear the bishop repeating the words to each person as we got closer to the altar . Larry was right in front of me , but just before he got to the bishop , he turned and hurried out the sacristy door , nearly knocking one of the communion stewards over on his way out . Before I could decide if I should follow him , the bishop stuck a piece of bread in my hand and motioned for me to keep moving . I found Larry back in the musty little room we were sharing for the week at our United Methodist annual conference . He was sitting on his bed in the dark . " You O . K . ? " I asked , and when I flipped on the light I thought it looked like he had been crying . " You can 't get off the hook that easy , Larry . We 've been friends for what , fifteen years , now , and the only time I 've seen you this upset was when Carolyn left you . What 's wrong ? " Larry stared at the floor for a long time before he spoke . " I thought maybe I could get through this without dumping it on you , Jim , but I guess I can 't . I lost my … a really good friend last week ; his name is Steve . We met at the health club about four years ago and really hit it off - played racquetball twice a week , had dinner together all the time . He was the best thing that 's ever happened to me … . Oh , what the hell - we were lovers . Steve told me last week that he wanted out - he 's found someone else ; said he 's sick and tired of me hiding behind my preacher 's robe . " " You 've got to be kidding me ! " But I could tell he wasn 't . I swallowed hard and felt my stomach tighten . I was trying desperately to stay calm , to hide my panic . Larry shook his head as he continued , " I 'm sorry … I know I should have told you a long time ago , but I 've just never known how to do it . I 've started a dozen times , but it never seemed like the right time . I guess I just kept hoping that somehow you knew . " " Well , I sure as hell didn 't " I said , surprised at my own anger . Larry buried his face in his hands . His shoulders started to shake , and I realized he was sobbing again . My instinct was to comfort him like I would a frightened child , put my arms around him ; but I couldn 't move . I was paralyzed ; too many questions were racing around in my own mind . How in the world could I have been this close to Larry this long and not have known ? How many dozens of signals had I missed ? Who else knows and if they do , how many of them think I 'm gay too ? " The communion service really got to me tonight , " he continued . " I just couldn 't pretend any longer that I 'm included in a fellowship that condemns me and my lifestyle . It 's so damn hard , always living a lie , hiding , pretending . Do you have any idea what it 's like to have to constantly deny who you are , even to your friends , because you know the truth could cost you everything you 've got , everything you 've ever wanted , everything you feel called to do and to be ? " He paused , like he expected something from me , but I didn 't have it to give . " And now I tell you my deepest secret , " he said , " and you can 't handle it . I thought I 'd feel better , be relieved , once you knew , but I guess I was wrong . " " Damn it , Larry , that 's not fair . If you 're such a good friend , how could you go all these years without telling me ? We 've roomed together here for years , and I 'm always staying at your house ? How the hell do you think that looks ? How many people in the conference know about this anyway ? " " Practically nobody , you fool , because there isn 't anybody I can trust - can 't you understand that ? I guess not ! All you can think about is your own precious reputation , you bastard ! I didn 't plan to tell you tonight . It just hurt so much I couldn 't cover it up this time . " " Better ? For whom ? Not me ! That damn policy on gay ordination means that if the wrong people ever find out about me , I 'm finished . Not only is my career over , but they throw me out of my parsonage too ! No job , no home , nothing ! And the activists like Steve wonder why I don 't run around with a big " G " on my chest , proclaiming to the entire world that I 'm gay ? " The clock in the tower by the pier said it was almost1 a . m . as I walked by . Our conference every year was in the little resort town ofLakesideonLake Erie , one of those places where , except for an all - night donut shop , everything closes by11 p . m . , and for once I was glad . I needed some time alone to think , and walking along the rocky shore was always a great place for that . There was something reassuring about the rhythm of the waves splashing over the rocks and against the retaining wall . Even the pungent odor of an occasional dead perch shipwrecked on the shore added to the atmosphere . I was tired and confused . I had always prided myself on being liberal about most things , but this was the first time I 'd really been put to the test on the gay issue , and I had failed miserably . After walking awhile , I sat down on a park bench in the gazebo near the shuffleboard court and tried to figure out why - to remember things that might help me understand the whole situation . Larry and I both enrolled at Union seminary in the fall of 1968 . The day I moved in , he spotted myOhioStatesweatshirt and was so glad to see someone from his home state that he invited me for dinner . He and Carolyn were newly - weds , living down the hall from me in one of those efficiency closets the seminary called apartments . Larry was a great cook - did most of the cooking , even before the divorce , and I discovered that first evening that , among other things , we shared a great love for sweet and sour pork . Those were wonderful years - we were two young , idealistic theologues , railing against the Vietnam War from behind the safety of our IV - D clergy draft deferments , preparing for parish ministry , sure we could save the church and the world , or at least the United Methodists . I don 't remember much church history or systematic theology from seminary classes , and even less Hebrew , but I do remember Larry and me talking about burning eschatological issues well into the night , washing our profound musings down with cheap wine that tasted so much better because it would soon be forbidden by our ordination vows . I 'd always felt bad that Carolyn seemed left out of those bull sessions . She wasn 't privy to all the inside jokes from class , and she 'd almost always go to bed early . She was a nurse and had to leave for work at6 a . m . , but I worried about their marriage , even then . It seemed that the closer Larry and I became , the less he and Carolyn had in common . Now I finally understood how little they actually did have in common . I wondered if he knew , even then . In a strange way , it was a relief to know . Ever since Larry told me they were getting divorced , I 'd felt guilty , like I helped cause the problem way back in the early days of their marriage . Now I knew that they had a much bigger problem than me . I remembered visiting Larry shortly after the divorce in a little backwoods cabin nearIndianLake . In those days the church still forced ministers who got divorced to take a year off , and Larry was living in this little God - forsaken place owned by a friend of his - no running water , the only heat was from a wood - burning stove . But it was fine in the summer , and I spent a couple of days there with him , fishing and relaxing . We even cut a cord of firewood one day . That was the time - of course , I remembered now - Larry tried to give me a massage that night because I was so sore from wrestling that chain saw around all day - and I was so uptight that every time he touched me , I giggled like a twelve year - old , until he finally just gave up . It was becoming clearer to me now . Sure , that was also the time that I was so nervous about where I was going to sleep . That cabin only had one bedroom , and I remember now that I was never so glad to see a hide - a - bed in the living room in my life . More memories washed over me like the waves on the lake shore , only these felt more like the angry waves of a powerful storm , like the ones I 'd seen come in off the lake and drop a fifty - foot oak like it was a toothpick . They were memories of the tasteless jokes I told Larry about gays and the stupid cracks about AIDS . And then there was Robby Johnson , the kid in our Boy Scout troop that we tormented mercilessly because someone told us he was " queer . " We used to pants him or take his clothes while he was in the shower and then laugh our heads off while he ran back to his tent naked . And that time on one camp out , I was probably twelve or thirteen , when we played strip poker in our tent , me and Johnny Crane and Danny Brown . I lost of course . I always was a lousy card player . After I ran out of clothes , every time I lost a hand they made me run around the outside of the tent naked while they lifted up the sides of the tent and shined their flashlights on me . After we got tired of that , Johnny suggested we " jerk each other off " before we went to bed . I was really nervous , but I did it anyway . I don 't know why . I do know for a long time after that , for several years , I was sure I must be queer , but I was too embarrassed to ever tell anyone . A shiver from a cool breeze off the lake brought me back to the present , and I was surprised to see Larry standing in front of me . " I was worried , " he said . " I was afraid you felt like you had to stay out all night . I 'll find someplace else to stay tomorrow . " I smiled too , glad for a break in the tension . " That is funny , isn 't it ? But seriously , this has helped me realize that I 've got a lot of things to sort out . I 'm sorry I took it out on you . " I told him what I 'd been thinking about , everything - Robby and Johnny and Danny , even the hide - a - bed - things I 've never told anyone before . " Those are normal kinds of feelings , aren 't they ? " I finally asked , trying hard not to sound too desperate for some assurance . He paused to dunk his donut and take a bite . " Listen , Jim , I 'm sorry about tonight , too . I took a lot of anger out on you that didn 't belong to you . A bunch of really heavy stuff has been piling up on me for months , and you just happened to be there when it finally blew . Do you remember my friend Craig ? I think you met him one time when you were inCleveland . He went out to dinner with us . " " Yeah , in February . " He took a sip of coffee and looked very pensive . " Craig was gay too and had a very hard time dealing with it . He was like me - tried like hell to be " normal " and fit in , had a wife and kids . He did his best to play the game , but it just didn 't work ; and when the General Conference decreed again last year that gays are unappointable and unordainable , he just lost it . He finally came out to his congregation one Sunday morning , if you can believe it , and then went home and gassed himself in the parsonage garage . " We drank our coffee in silence , surrounded by the darkness and the enormity of Larry 's pain . " Ash Wednesday was just two days after those funerals , " he continued , " and I was still really pissed at God and the church . We had communion that night , and I felt like a stranger in my own church . I went through the motions and said all the right words , but I kept thinking that Craig and Gary would not have been welcome there if people knew them , and I knew damn well that most of my " sisters and brothers in Christ " would choke on their bread if they knew who was serving it to them . It was like I was in a daze , serving the elements to dozens of nameless , faceless people parading by the altar . " And then I came home to an empty house , no one to talk to but the dog . Steve was out of town , or so he said , but I realize now that he was probably already seeing someone else . Another friend , George , called , inviting me to a belated Mardi Gras Party . I was so lonely I would have gone anywhere with anybody . Well , it was wild party , let me tell you , and they weren 't serving grape juice like we did at church . So , I got a little bombed , and I had sex with three or four guys before the night was over . " " Now , don 't pull parent on me , Jim . I don 't need you to tell me how stupid I was . I 've never done anything like that in my life , even before AIDS ! The point is that I am that desperate , and it scares the hell out of me . I don 't even know who those guys were , and I sure hope they didn 't know me ; but the weird thing was how that awful , anonymous sex felt the same to me as serving communion to all those people who don 't know the real me either . " Tears were flowing again , but this time Larry wasn 't crying alone . We embraced and held each other for a long time , until Larry finally broke the silence , " Want some more coffee ? I can go get refills . " As I watched Larry walk toward the donut shop , I realized the sun was already beginning to brighten the eastern sky . I watched the gulls skimming the lake for breakfast , and then I saw something I hadn 't noticed in the darkness . On the retaining wall in front of the gazebo , someone had spray - painted " DEATH TO ALL FAGS ! " Without hesitation , I scrambled down over the rocks , picked up a sharp one and tried almost frantically to scrape the ugly letters off the wall , rubbing so hard I scraped my knuckles and left a trail of blood across the " A " in " DEATH . " But it was hopeless ; the paint would not come off . I leaned my head against the wall in frustration and exhaustion .

Rose Marie She has been adopted ! It was a foster failure - - the love always prevails and Ms . Rose Marie has a great new life . This lucky lady went to Linda 's home - - there was no doubt with the love Linda had to give and Rose Marie needed that she would ever leave . She moved right in with Linda 's male mastiff , just like she had always been there . These dogs know ! Thank you for loving her and giving her the security and comfort of your home . We would love to hear Happy Tails from Rose Marie . Jordyn - AKA Josephina Jalapeño We were notified a week ago about a mastiff female that had been dumped at a shelter in Alabama . Immediately hearing we contacted another rescue that covered that state to let them know about that dog . That same day the mastiff was moved to the Humane Society in Pensacola . . on MRF turf . Monday , we called the Humane Society and asked if we could have her . . they wanted to wait , but we sent our volunteer Kelli in to sell all the good homes that MRF has and that we should get the dog . She did and on Wednesday … Becky drove 140 miles each way to pick up Jordan ! She smelled , so Becky gave her a bath , fed her and gave her some much needed love and kindness . This dog had been to 2 or 3 shelters in a weeks time . The following day Becky took her to a veterinarian where she was examined and found to have hookworms and also a foot infection . . which we will continue to treat . She will in the next few days be transported to Gainesville to our foster there - - Sandy . Where she will be under evaluation . This mastiff is very thin , she has not been eating in the shelters , she had an issue with another dog and she needs time - - - that is something she will have . We have the best volunteers , we keep saying it takes a village and it most certainly does ! To Kelli , Becky , Sandy and Nancy … a huge Thank you ! We will keep you posted on Jordan 's progress . It is because of your support and donation 's that give us the ability to save so many and give them the medical attention they need . Thank you . Update : Jordyn has been adopted and her new name is Josephina Jalapeño ! She was a foster failure and has a very loving family : - ) GrizzleyGrizzley has been adopted ! Some dogs just do not make it to the website , the volunteer picks them up and shortly thereafter we are told : " we loved him the moment we brought him home . . so yes , we are keeping him " " He still hates the vet and doesn 't like strangers but we are working on it . He and Hawk are going to professional trainers / behaviorists . Hawk doesn 't really need to go but we didn 't want Grizzley to think we were giving him up . So Hawk is basically going for moral support . Hah ! " Toks His foster tells us : " We recently acquired a " dumped dog " to foster . He is approximately 2 years of age , per the veterinarian and has just been neutered . We brought him home and have since enjoyed having him as part of our family . We named him Toks ( after my dad ) and he is an absolute dream . He knows exactly what you 're saying to him and knows when you 're talking about him . He is potty trained , takes his medication , obeys commands , and most importantly loves me , my husband Broadus , and our 8 year old daughter , Peyton . He loves his toy , which is a soccer ball . We play out back ( he is good for a few spurts ) and then he goes back to lie down - - - typical mastiff . He is very obedient ( great on a leash ) , shows great affection and relief to be loved on . He is HAPPY ! He is also on a raw diet , which is very important . " Update : Toks has been adopted ! This lucky dog has created a Foster Failure . . . are we surprised ? ? NEVER ! Mastiff Rescue loves our Foster Failures ! From his Mom : " We are truly blessed and HAPPY ! " __ DoobieDoobie is a 2 ½ year old brindle male . He is neutered , heartworm negative , up to date on vaccines and micro - chipped . He was starved and dumped in a neighborhood in South Florida . The kind folks that saved Doobie contacted us and took him to the shelter where we pre - adopted him . The shelter staff said what a sweet dog he was . He has been in temporary foster with MRF till we find the best foster for him and also make certain that he does not have kennel cough . The foster tells us that he has learned to get along with her cat and he is learning to get along with a few of her dogs . He ducks or drops to the ground if you lift your arm , hand or hold anything … HE HAS BEEN BEATEN . He knows nothing of toys … it is like his spirit has been broken . Even though this has been his life , he smiles and is like a wiggle worm when you come in the room . He weighed less than 100lbs when first brought home and has been eating 3 smaller meals daily . He probably should gain 30 - 40lb . Doobie is housebroken , gentle while eating and knows basic commands . He does not beg for food … he sits or lies patiently . WE wonder where Doobie learned so much then was treated so horribly . He is on his way to a better life ! Update : Doobie aka Albert a very special new name with a very special family … his new Mom writes : " Albert has been with us for not even one month but our bond is already much stronger than I thought could ever be possible . Nobody really starts or ends the day without hugging him first and he is with us all the time we don 't have to go out to meetings or school ! He has developed with us a series of rituals that make our life even more precious . Albert totally made his point this morning . I had to call the tribe while I was walking him . He was patient for about 2 minutes on the phone he laid on the grass . Impossible to get him up . He would not move one inch . I got it when he rolled on his back to be pet . I hung up the phone and gave him a big hug . He stood up immediately , wiggly tail … . Thank you SO much for your humongous heart MulliganThis dark fawn 4 - 5 year old kind soul came from Tallahassee . We had him neutered , heartworm checked , brought up to date on vaccines and microchipped . He has developed a very involved foot abscess so he will go no place till we are certain that is cleared up . It involves soaking 2 to 3 times daily , massaging and giving medicine all under foster and Veterinary care . This boy was used as a breeder and kept in a crate . He was saved by a gal who ran into financial problems and had to give both her dogs to rescue . He loves his comfort , gets along with cats and dogs and most importantly loves that special attention that his human companions give ! We will keep you posted on Mulligan 's progress . Update : Mulligan has been adopted and has the last name of Blankenship ! Joey and Leslie write : " We just want to say thank you to Mastiff Rescue of Florida for allowing us to adopt a true Gentle Giant ! Pam , Nancy , Kathy and Sandy you all are truly awesome and caring people . We applaud you for the hard work and dedication to saving this wonderful breed . Our wonderful boy is named Mulligan and he is truly a one of a kind find . When we went to see him at his foster home , it was love at first site . He was just as excited as we were . The first thing we noticed is how gentle and lovable the big fella was . His foster care family Sandy , husband and son had truly done a remarkable job with him in the two short months that they had him . From the condition that he was in when he was rescued to the time we met him was simply a remarkable turnaround . We have had Mulligan for about 10 days and he continues to progress daily . He was so fearful of the wood floors for the first few days , but we are proud to say through love and patience that he has conquered this fear . He is more than we could have asked for . All you have to do is just look at his cute face and that will bring the biggest smile to your face . We have had many visitors at our home and must say that he has not met a stranger yet ; to him it 's just more people to love . Mulligan is Ellie MaeEllie Mae has a new Last name of Oliver she has been adopted . Ellie Mae is a 4 to 5 years old and a fawn mastiff that has her forever home . . . she was transported to her foster and fit right in . These dogs KNOW . Her transporter Lisha wrote : " She started the trip choosing to jump into the far back . But true to form of every mastiff , she quickly stepped over the seat to be closer to me for the drive to her new home . She bounded out of the car eagerly after I arrived and pulled me with a strength I had not yet seen from her to the back as she followed him to the fenced in backyard . She sniffed the other dog ( a coon hound type dog ) as the other dog jumped down to check her out . Both dogs then turned around and walked to separate spots to lie down like they could care less about one another . . . . she fit right in . Ellie is very sweet . We put a topper on the truck just for her and carpeted it all including the ceiling . That way this winter she can go wherever we go . She loves sunbathing in the yard even though it is so hot . " We look forward to hearing about How Ellie Mae is doing and thank the Mr and Mrs Oliver for their great care and love . Nora Nora is a very smart and sweet girl who was left alone tied to a fence at a shelter . She was very shy and nervous at first and quickly came around to the sweet fun loving Mastiff she is today . She is a funny and sweet girl who knows what she wants and how to get it . She will rattle her food dish to remind you it 's dinner time or show you that her water dish needs to be refilled . This clever girl can even open lever door handles ! She gets along well with both of her Mastiff brothers and baby sister . When not curled up on the sofa in true Mastiff style , enjoys spurts of play outdoors with the rest of the pack . She enjoys lots of love and attention and will make a great addition to the right family . Nora is 4 years old , spayed , up to date on vaccines , heartworm negative . She tested positive for Lyme and we are treating her . She is a very healthy mastiff and has a great foster to watch over her . Update : We love our Foster Failures . . Nora is staying with the Olsen 's who have been giving her love and the attention that she thrives in . Nora loves sleeping with the Olsen 's daughter and being part of the family . We look forward to Happy Tails from the Olsen 's . Thank you for loving Nora ! MuffinThis fawn boy is 2 ½ years old , tad bit chunky , very strong and needs some work … but he is very sweet and happy . He is afraid of metal bowls and strange noises . He barks at things he is unsure of . He has been good with smaller dogs and has been living with a labradoodle and Shih Tzu . His owner had to give him up because his job was taking him out of town for a month at a time so he felt there was not the time needed for Muffin . Muffin is a big boy at 160lbs , he is up to date on his vaccines and he will be neutered in mid - July . He has just come into MRF and we are just learning about him . Our fosters will keep us updated with photos and information . Update : Muffin has the last name of Bradley . Muffin has moved to a wonderful home in the country very few noises to bother this boy . Donna and her husband have so much love to give that Muffin will never want for attention or affection . We look forward to hearing of Muffin 's adventures in his new life . HurleyThis wonderful big boy was very much loved and due to life changes in his home , his owner felt that she had to surrender him . He is neutered , up to date and heartworm negative . He is 6 1 / 2 years old … . . that special age that makes them absolutely enjoyable . Hurley is ready for his furever home . He is a big boy at 202 lbs . , with lots of love to give . He LOVES fluffy squeaky toys but they don 't last long . He is good with kids & other dogs . He has not been tested with cats . He rides well in the car and walks on leash . He would love to be someone 's " Velcro " dog and give his heart to the right family ! Please take a look at this special boy , you just might be that perfect home that makes Hurley part of the family … . Update : Hurley has a wonderful new home with the Gurganus Family and MRF has another great volunteer ! RachelFrom her foster mom . . . " I have had Rachel only a few days but she is a real treasure ! I can 't imagine how she ended up in a shelter . Except for having a litter a puppies recently ( or maybe in spite of ) she is in great health . She has great manners and was obviously loved at one time . She immediately fit into my pack of 4 Mastiffs & 1 shepherd mix without any arguments from anyone . She is on the small side at only 100 lbs . , approximately 5 years old . She has been recently spayed and will be looking for her furever home soon . " Update : Rachel has been adopted ! Rachel has the last name of Bronga ! She was dumped at a shelter and when Nancy picked her up , she could see no reason why someone would dump such a lovely dog . Nancy kept saying she is perfect . WE got her into a wonderful foster home and Rachel decided it was to be her forever home . She took over saying good night to the children in their bedrooms making certain all was okay , she watched over her foster Mom when the repairman came , she absolutely loved her visits to the grooming salon and she was loved by them . Yep , she was the Bronga 's new family member and yes they failed foster 101 . . . but what a win / win situation for such a great dog and a wonderful family . . . We wish you happiness and we would love stories , photos for our Happy Tails . ApolloThis lovely 4 year old mastiff has had a life full of turmoil . Looking at the information supplied to MRF , Apollo was given up by his first owner probably because he was in the service and shipping out . His 2nd owner loved him and unfortunately was killed in a motorcycle accident a couple of months ago . He has been taken care of and moved around by friends to keep him safe from landlords that do not want large dogs . Some very caring individualscontacted Mastiff Rescue of Florida for help in re - homing Apollo . He is 4 years old , fawn , weighs 140lbs , is up to date on vaccines and neutered . We are still evaluating Apollo . He loves to play in the water , loves his bully sticks , worries when his foster mom leaves the room . He would do better in a home with female dogs . Apollo needs a stable environment , he needs a forever home where he will be loved and have the comfort a mastiff needs and loves . Update : APOLLO has been adopted by Helen Sharp and Mathew Orlando a great husband and wife team that Apollo absolutely loves and they love him . He has a mastiff sister Bella and a French Bulldog sister by the name of Princess Leia . We wish them so much fun , happiness and look forward to hearing of Apollo 's adventures with his forever family . Thank you for giving this dog such a wonderful home . ShayOur MRF volunteer has taken in and trained Shay . She is a very nice 2 year old apricot mastiff female . She is spayed , up to date on vaccines , heartworm negative and weighs about 120lbs . She loves to play but as is so true to the breed a couch potato other times . Shay loves to be your pillow and just loves the kindness given her . She knows how to walk on a leash perfectly on your right side ( even when a stray cat runs across her path ) She lives with 3 other dogs in the home … . When she is outside she will let you know when someone passes by with a bark . Shay is a special dog that will go to a home that is 100 % gentle like she is . AnnaWe have some of the very best fosters that many times foster and nurture many for MRF till they find the best homes . Then that special dog comes along that just fits in … which is what we always say you must watch and listen to the dog . . the right companion will come along . Saturday that happened . We called our foster Dr Holly Vance in Ocala on the spur of the moment , to let her know we needed her help in fostering an 11 month old female that had to be moved immediately . Our volunteer Nancy drove all day Saturday to pick up Anna and drive to Dr . Vance . Though a bit unsure , Anna was taken with Dr Vance 's daughter … and the rest is history . WE got a call last night that Anna would have Vance as her last name . A great beginning for a wonderful mastiff and a great family . Thank you ! ShilohShiloh is a 1 year old Fawn female recently spayed , up to date on vaccines and has a microchip . She recently came from a home that gave her no boundaries . All puppies and dogs need boundaries , direction and obedience . Consequently , she was very scared when our volunteer picked her up and extremely nervous when she arrived at the foster 's home . Shiloh came from a home with other dogs , chickens , cats and a 4 year old child . Shiloh has been with our foster a week and is learning to be a dog . She now has boundaries and she listens … she is willing to learn . Our fosters are not trainers but they do the very best they can do for these dogs … because they care and want the best homes . The adoptive home that gets Shiloh must not be a novice to big dogs . . . they must have experience , kindness and be willing to take this dog to training classes , which will create trust between Shiloh and her new family . Any young dog is a commitment , work and training to make that special companion that we all want . These dogs are worth it ! She is a happy mastiff now , she gets along with her 2 foster brothers and the cats . She is obedient and listens to the foster . It is a wonderful change is progress that must be kept up . We will keep you up on Shiloh 's progress … again , we thank our Fosters . Sam / SammySammy , is a a wonderful smaller fawn mastiff who has been with his foster for evaluation and is ready for his forever home . The Foster tells us that : Sammy has met the grandkids a baby and a 9 year old and was great with them . Sammy has been living with several dogs including a mastiff , beagle , boxer and Chihuahua without any issues . He is a very playful guy as is the boxer , they run around each other in circles while outside . When Sammy first arrived he drank excessively which caused him to have to void more . His drinking problem has become much more manageable , although he still would like to drink a lot , we have learned to ration the free time for water . We limit his access before bedtime and during the night . We have left Sammy and gone out for 6 hours without an accident but will limit his free water while we are gone . Sammy would do best in a home where someone is available to let him out during the day and is not gone for 8 - 10 hours , there are other dogs and especially kids . Sammy will make a wonderful addition to the right home ! Zoe Zoe is a 5 year old , spayed female , up to date on vaccines , heartworm negative . She is sweet and goofy . She came into rescue in March after having been a family pet all her life . Her owner was a victim of the economy , losing his job and house and living in his car with Zoe . To his credit he tried to keep her and take her , but realized her quality of life was affected and surrendered her . He fed Zoe whatever he could but when Zoe entered the rescue , she had some skin issues . Zoe has been in 2 foster homes since entering rescue , the first a temporary home which detoxed her of her less than ideal diet . As a result she has been exposed to several situations . She has been around big dogs and cats . She has some small prey issues and may chase cats if they run . Also , on leash , she becomes very focused on small prey , but her focus can be broken by corrections and gentle tugs on the leash . But she should not be off leash outside of a yard . She has met other dogs while on leash Mae WestMae West , or as her foster family calls her " Mattie Moo " , is a sweet 4 - 5 year old FAWN gal who was dumped in a Miami Hospital parking lot . She was fortunately picked up by another rescue and held to try to find her owner . That never happened , so they called MRF . She does several tricks - - like shake , lay down , guard the kitchen and ice machine ( loves ice ) , and sits pretty ! She 's very willing and eager to please . She loves her baths , food and just being with people . Because she was in heat when she was first brought into rescue , we must give her some time before she can be spayed . The procedure will occur is planned for the beginning of April . Mae West is heartworm negative and up to date on vaccines . By the way , she does like to chase cats or try to pen them . She is currently lives with another mastiff , a beagle , a bloodhound and several cats . Loves to sleep on her bed next to her fosters . Her Foster Mom and family affectionately call her Mattie Moo . . . which she loves ! ArloWhat a special 5 ½ year old fawn boy . His owner died and the family surrendered him to a shelter . This poor boy was surrendered with nothing of his own , no bed , toys . . . nothing that made him feel that he had a life . The shelter saw something special in this boy and contacted us . He has just been placed with a foster and she has 2 other dogs which he is learning to get along with . He is depressed and sad . This will take time till he is secure and happy . He does love getting on her bed for cuddles and love … than he goes to floor . He lays close to his human 's feet when watching TV and will give little kisses on request . He loves human contact and will make someone a very devoted dog . He just needs time . Update from his foster family : Arlo loves people , the couch , drinking water , and chasing the ball . All he really wants is to be around you . Great on walks , can be hard headed and slow to react ( what mastiff isn 't ) . He is a bit water hose obsessed , so bath time can be challenging . We have been working on keeping him calm while bathing because he just wants to jump at the hose and bite the water . Getting better . Knows how to shake , sit , lay down . He will bark when he is ready to come in . He will test any door he wants to go through with his massive head ; very curious and wanting to be around you . Has no issues with sharing water and food bowl trays . He and Lilly have the side to side bowls that are raised and eat at the same time . They use the same water bowl as well . He did get out the side gate that was not latched all the way and sat on the front porch and barked . I was home so I came around and let him in , so funny . Like I said he will test anything that isnt closed or latched to be around youBy the way , Arlo would love to have a pool and a boat in his forever home . Way to go , Arlo ! Update : We have another foster failure and Arlo will be staying with the Pierce 's , such a lucky Mastiff to have such a great home ! BellaBella came into rescue from a Good Samaritan who rescued her from a breeder . Bella had eye issues and was underweight . Bella had never lived in a house ! Never had a gentle human touch ! Bella never played with a toy ! All of these things are new to Bella . Bella 's foster has made great progress addressing the fact that Bella had to learn to go potty outside , although there maybe the occasional accident , Bella is quite smart and has learned to open the sliding door and let herself out . Bella continues to prefer to be outside " chillin " in the sunshine , although she is very content to spend her time on a comfy dog bed . When inside she does not like to be confined to a room away from the family and will escape most barriers . Bella is receiving great food and has started to gain weight , but it is very apparent that Bella had been used for multiple litters . Just before Bella came to rescue the breeder was forced to have the vet perform a C section to save Bella who had 16 dead puppies she could not deliver , thus Bella was immediately spayed and no longer of use to the breeder . Bella is a 6yr something female brindle mastiff who 's tail never stops wagging ! Bella is learning the basic commands , is now 125lbs with more to go . Bella is living with a teenager , a couple of cats and another mastiff who she gets along fine with . The foster mom has told us that Bella has a huge maternal instinct and attempts to treat the guinea pig like a puppy . Bella walks well on a leash and is fine when the neighbor comes over to let her out but continues to flinch when approached . The foster family is working hard to make Bella feel secure and build up her confidence . Once that is completed and Bella gains more weight , she will make a wonderful companion and friend . Update : Bella is Adopted ! Her new Mom writes : " Good morning Ladies , sorry for the tardiness of pics lots of phone issues . Bella has adjusted extremely well in her new surroundings and is the most gentle , kind soul on 4 legs that we have come across . She loves giving very wet kiEmmaMs . Emma is a wonderful brindle gal about 2 years old . She was dumped in a forest in the Naples area living there for about a month alone , surviving the elements as well as predators like bears , bobcats , panthers , snakes and weather . Fortunately , those that lived close to the area noticed her and left food out , hoping to lure her in their fenced areas . Finally in November , they lured her in and called animal control . These wonderful caring people had kept us in the loop the whole time and they still care . Once the shelter had her , we contacted the shelter to let them know that we would send a volunteer to see Emma . We were able to rescue Emma from the shelter and move her to a wonderful Foster home in mid - November . When Emma arrived at her new home the 2 other mastiffs and bulldog greeted her as if they had known her . Her foster Mom Kathy says : " She loves her bath , treats , breakfast is at 8am dinner at 5 . She will bring you her dish . Emma is playful , cuddly and beautiful . She has big brown eyes , full shiny coat and rarely drools . She is completely house trained . I do not know how she is with children . She barks at the neighborhood cat when it 's in the yard . Emma is a wonderful companion . She is a bit untrusting of men . " Emma still must gain confidence , she leans on her foster Mom to make certain the path is okay and safe before she goes outside . MaxMy name is Max and I am 5 years old and very young for my age , I am big & goofy with floppy velvety ears . Like many mastiffs I am similar to a two year old human trapped in a 150 pound dog body . As with all 2 year olds , I need rules & consistency . A firm but gentle hand would be ideal . Sometimes I get vocal & I need a parent who will tell me when I 'm too loud . I like my own space to go chill in ; perhaps you have a table that I could lay under when the household becomes too chaotic ? ( That is my safe place , I can watch the world but not get involved ) I came to Florida with a family that I had spent the majority of my life with . Once they moved to their new place they were informed that they couldn 't keep me so they reluctantly but wisely called the rescue . I am neutered & up to date on my vaccines . I am cuddly & like resting my head on yours . Keep in mind that if you stop petting me before I am ready , I will give you my paw , and not in a gentle way . I also like putting only my rump on the couch , or on you just so you don 't forget I am here . Most living creatures are food motivated . Don 't get me wrong , I would never turn down a treat , but I much prefer a toy . Usually mastiffs are couch potatoes , but I love to run in the yard & chase my ball . I live in a house with 2 other Mastiffs , 2 cats , a guinea pig & a few 2 legged humans . I am not small prey aggressive , but I do find the cats to be very interesting . Update : Max has been adopted , and this is what his new family says : " Max is doing great ! Tango ( our current EM ) and him are becoming good buddies and he is fitting in well . He just finished his first week of obedience and is proving to be very smart . He is still adjusting of course and is learning the rules regarding our 2 cats . It seems that his curiosity can be a bit intense at times and he wants to chase them . So as he learns our rules he does better every day . He is also a big love bug and LOVES to cuddle . I 'm usually fairly standoff - ish with too much cuddling with NEW dogs since they are still earning thGinger SnapHi . I 'm Ginger Snap . I 've only been in foster care for a short while . Unfortunately no one knows my story except me & my beautiful brown eyes can 't communicate what I went through . I was dropped off at a shelter by someone who claimed they found me on the street but when the shelter people called the number associated with the microchip it led back to the person who dropped me off . I entered my foster home nursing a bad infection in my leg to the point where I was limping . But after a good diet , a trip to the vet & some medication I am walking back to normal . I even have a little trot to my step . Even though I 've only been in my foster home a short while , my family has already found out a couple things . One , I am super sweet and like people . You pet me , I lick you , win - win for everyone . Also , I am highly interested in small prey ; I can 't help it if they look like squeaky toys . Next , I 'm not too fond of the other mastiffs in my house . Not sure why - maybe because they are bigger than me , and I seem to do ok with dogs of my size or smaller , but I may be best in a dog free house where I can receive all the attention . I am definitely a petite mastiff , starter sized . I am not sure what I 'm supposed to weigh , but I am currently 103 # & my tail bone is a little too prominent . I am not yet spayed & the vet was unable to vaccinate me because I was running a fever from the infection . But don 't worry , I will be up to date on everything by the time I come to your house . I am about 7 years old . I hope you pick me so I can spend the holidays at your house . What a better present than an awesome dog like me . Update : We have just received word from Ginger Snap 's foster that they have fallen in love with Ms . Ginger Snap and want to give her that very special FOREVER HOME . We look forward to hearing all about Ms . Ginger 's life with the Keels . Thank you for giving this gal that special home . TitusTitus has a forever home with the Stokes Family ! He is living on a wonderful farm and getting all sorts of love and attention . We look forward to hearing about Titus . SashaIt 's hard to believe this happy playful young lady is the same sad sick dog that I first met on Memorial Day . She has made an amazing recovery in both in body and spirit ! She is just an all around great dog ! . . . She is very affectionate & well behaved . She loves to lie at my feet and nudges me to scratch her ears or give her a pat . She shows no interest in getting on furniture , but she does love her bed . She never even sniffs at food left on the counter or table and hasn 't touched the garbage , even when she is left alone . She loves to take walks ! At 2 she is still very puppyish . She romps & wrestles with her boxer foster sister . She enjoys chasing a ball , but hasn 't figured out to bring it back yet ! She loves her meals and will remind you if you are late ! She enjoys sunbathing and playing outside , but prefers to hang out inside with her people . She likes everyone - babies , kids , men , women . She lives with another mastiff & a crazy boxer and visits often with a chihuahua and a beagle . They are all one big family . No cats around here , so don 't know about them . She likes to go for car rides and likes drive through windows even more ! Update : Sasha has been adopted ! ! She will be the Princess of her castle . Thank you to The Abercrombie family . We look forward to hearing about Miss Sasha . Chaz - A special , special needs dog ! Chaz is a dark brindle boy of 5 , who has special needs . Chaz is allergic to all vaccines and has dietary issues . Chaz will need a family who is prepared to utilize a holistic veterinarian for titers to determine that Chaz has the immunity to protect him from disease but does not receive unnecessary vaccines . Also , if he becomes " stressed " , he will have digestive issues , so diet is very important . Chaz is a wonderful companion , who has 2 distinctive personalities , the " Serious Chaz " will sit quietly while you discuss current events and political opinions with him , he never disagrees or argues his point , then there is the " Wild & Crazy Chaz " who attempts to get anyone within distance to take the challenge and PLAY , that is when he becomes " The Wild Thing " but his antics will make " Your Heart Sing " ! He is a very young soul just looking for the perfect family who is willing and financially able to make him a part of their family forever . Update : Chas is now in his forever home . His new Mom tells us : " He likes to sit out in the sun while I eat lunch . He 's such a good boy . I 've even left him alone with the cat . We walk early in the morning and am glad he 's a stop and smell the roses kind of guy so walking both of them is working out fine . On the ride home he kept putting his head on my shoulder and I would give him kisses . So sweet . The one with the cat in it was when I told him he couldn 't play with the kitty so he ( very astutely ) went and grabbed his toy and shook that instead . GOOD BOY ! ! " Sampson A couple of months ago , we rescued a mastiff from the Collier County shelter . MRF volunteer Donna Marie Amy picked him up and fostered him for a couple of days till our foster Susan Kirkham drove down to get him . Susan . . . and her family took him home , and named him Sampson . This mastiff ( as so many do ) won the hearts of the Foster Family and the Kirkham 's have given Sampson a last name . We are proud that we have another Foster Failure and a special new beginning . It is a Win - Win for all involved ! TroyThis is Troy , he is a dark brindle boy who is around 6yrs of age but a very young 6yrs of age . Troy was surrendered to MRF due to the family having to move . Troy gets along well with dogs of all size , is very interested in the cat but only to play . Troy really LIKES BIRDS so we know he can not go to a family with any feathered friends . Troy loves kids of ages , he is an active goofy boy who just wants to play . Troy is now up to date on vaccines , heart worm negative and just got neutered . HopeHope is a lovely 6 year old gentle giant . Hope does not climb on furniture ; she loves her bed and usually sleeps at the foot of our bed . She will let you know when it is time to eat and if her water bowl is empty . Hope is a home buddy . She goes outside , sniffs around , does her business then is ready to go back inside . She loves squeaky toys . She gets along with our female mastiff and they often sleep side by side . She is fine around our toddler granddaughter , other kids , and dogs . Hope has an arthritic hip but it only slows her down a little . She loves any affection , especially just getting down on the floor and giving her body rubs . She is ready for a forever home and is a joy to be around . Hope is a special Lady that would love to have a family to love . TankTank was slightly reserved upon meeting his foster mom when she picked him up from a Mastiff Rescue of Florida volunteer at the truck stop exchange point . Once the car pulled into the driveway at home his tail start . . . ed thumping . He greeted his foster family with tail wags . Since we know he had been outside for the last 5 months Tank desperately needed a bath . Less than an hour after meeting his foster family he was patiently standing as they cleaned his massive body . After drying off , Tank came inside with his tail wagging , walked around getting to know the new home . He briefly walked around before coming into the kitchen and sitting down to be petted . The petting turned into him rolling onto his back and asking for a belly rub . He could not get enough of them and the affection they gave him ! You would never had known he was in pain from the way he acted , but Tank had horrible ear infections as well as an infection in one of his eyes . He seemed to know that the medicine would help . He offered absolutely no resistance - not even turning away - to get eye drops and ear table , he shows no interest in people food and lies next to the table while his foster family eats . He stays off the furniture , and isn 't even sure what to think about his dog bed . Tank 's ear infections most likely made it hard for him to hear , but he does come when someone whistles and responds to people talking to him . Tank is housebroken and He likes to hang with his new foster family and shows how much he likes them by leaning against them . His tail is frequently wagging as he walks around the house . We are enjoying getting to know this very special mastiff . To save a dog like the Panama City Dog TANK takes a village of volunteers and we thank each of you ! These Mastiffs are so lucky to have the teamwork of the MRF volunteers . When called in to action , they say where and when ! Janet : Our Craigslist spotter Melissa : Bullmastiff Rescue Lori : The volunteer dog evaluator Debbie : Did the fosters Home Evaluation Diane : Volunteer that picked up , took him to the veterinarian and transported to I - 10 Lisa : His Foster Mom , met Diane and transported to Tallahassee Pam Boswell : Arrangements and coordinator Jan : Forms Nancy : Payment of bills BrutusBrutus " the old shoe " has found his forever home ! Our boy Brutus has picked his forever family ! He is now enjoying the comfort of his own bed , TV time with his people and the companionship of an older dog buddy who fits his style , " slow and steady " . Brutus just wanted to remind all of you that he was very lucky to get adopted so quickly and there are many more dogs just waiting to find the right home to call forever . NogginNoggin is a handsome brindle boy that is a joy to foster . He is neutered , heartworm free and up to date on vaccines He is 3 years old , 155 # , gets along with male and female dogs alike , cats are of no interest to him and last but not least he loves kids too ! Noggin just wants to be with you wherever you go . He was left in a vacant house for 2 weeks just having someone let him out and feed him 1 - 2 times a day . He loves to play with water from the hose , take a walk and chew on tennis balls . Noggin is now in a wonderful forever home ! Lacy is a 6 - 7 year old fawn mastiff . Recently rescued from the shelter , picked up as a stray . Lacy has been adopted by her foster family . She has become very devoted to her foster Mom and Dad and she is her Foster Mom 's shadow . Lacy has a wonderful loving forever home . . . ! Sadie came into rescue because the family she has known since 8 weeks of age was deployed to Germany . They attempted to find her a permanent home on their own only to have her returned within a few days . Their time frame was very short as to the date they had to leave and fortunately they contacted MRF . We love happy endings at Mastiff Rescue and this is a fairy tale come true ! Sadie came to us not knowing how to play or interact with other dogs , suspicious of everything new . Duke as you all know had a long to these special dogs and wish them many years of happy memories . Athena is a 4 year old , Heart worm negative , spayed UTD and micro - chipped . Her transporter / foster called when they got home and said she was staying and never leaving . We do love foster failures . Athena has a wonderful permanent home . She has been adopted and has a last name ! Bennett is a 2 - 3 year old fawn male , neutered , UTD on vaccines and micro chipped . He is heartworm positive and will be on the slow kill method . Bennett was tied to a tree and left to starve . Fortunately , an officer found him and he was taken to a shelter . He was termed aggressive . We heard about him and our volunteer went to evaluate and came home with Bennett . He has been sweet , fun loving and learning obedience training . Loves to sleep on the couch ! Bennett was a transport and foster failure … Foster went to pick up and fell in love . Bennett has been adopted and has a last name ! Oliver is a wonderful 2 - 3 year old that was dumped in the cane fields in the Clewiston area of Florida . Animal control had heard stories about this mastiff for several months . When they could not catch him with dog food and traps , they were forced to dart him . Thank goodness they did as he has a wonderful personality and had been taught the basic commands . Our longtime volunteer had recently lost their English Mastiff and wanted another to be part of their lives . He is the one that drove to Clewiston to pick up Oliver and after a few licks and kisses on the way home … we received a call telling us that Oliver had picked them to be his forever home . Amazing how these dogs know . Transport and foster failures we love ! Oliver has a last name . Partnered With :

Rose Marie She has been adopted ! It was a foster failure - - the love always prevails and Ms . Rose Marie has a great new life . This lucky lady went to Linda 's home - - there was no doubt with the love Linda had to give and Rose Marie needed that she would ever leave . She moved right in with Linda 's male mastiff , just like she had always been there . These dogs know ! Thank you for loving her and giving her the security and comfort of your home . We would love to hear Happy Tails from Rose Marie . Jordyn - AKA Josephina Jalapeño We were notified a week ago about a mastiff female that had been dumped at a shelter in Alabama . Immediately hearing we contacted another rescue that covered that state to let them know about that dog . That same day the mastiff was moved to the Humane Society in Pensacola . . on MRF turf . Monday , we called the Humane Society and asked if we could have her . . they wanted to wait , but we sent our volunteer Kelli in to sell all the good homes that MRF has and that we should get the dog . She did and on Wednesday … Becky drove 140 miles each way to pick up Jordan ! She smelled , so Becky gave her a bath , fed her and gave her some much needed love and kindness . This dog had been to 2 or 3 shelters in a weeks time . The following day Becky took her to a veterinarian where she was examined and found to have hookworms and also a foot infection . . which we will continue to treat . She will in the next few days be transported to Gainesville to our foster there - - Sandy . Where she will be under evaluation . This mastiff is very thin , she has not been eating in the shelters , she had an issue with another dog and she needs time - - - that is something she will have . We have the best volunteers , we keep saying it takes a village and it most certainly does ! To Kelli , Becky , Sandy and Nancy … a huge Thank you ! We will keep you posted on Jordan 's progress . It is because of your support and donation 's that give us the ability to save so many and give them the medical attention they need . Thank you . Update : Jordyn has been adopted and her new name is Josephina Jalapeño ! She was a foster failure and has a very loving family : - ) GrizzleyGrizzley has been adopted ! Some dogs just do not make it to the website , the volunteer picks them up and shortly thereafter we are told : " we loved him the moment we brought him home . . so yes , we are keeping him " " He still hates the vet and doesn 't like strangers but we are working on it . He and Hawk are going to professional trainers / behaviorists . Hawk doesn 't really need to go but we didn 't want Grizzley to think we were giving him up . So Hawk is basically going for moral support . Hah ! " Toks His foster tells us : " We recently acquired a " dumped dog " to foster . He is approximately 2 years of age , per the veterinarian and has just been neutered . We brought him home and have since enjoyed having him as part of our family . We named him Toks ( after my dad ) and he is an absolute dream . He knows exactly what you 're saying to him and knows when you 're talking about him . He is potty trained , takes his medication , obeys commands , and most importantly loves me , my husband Broadus , and our 8 year old daughter , Peyton . He loves his toy , which is a soccer ball . We play out back ( he is good for a few spurts ) and then he goes back to lie down - - - typical mastiff . He is very obedient ( great on a leash ) , shows great affection and relief to be loved on . He is HAPPY ! He is also on a raw diet , which is very important . " Update : Toks has been adopted ! This lucky dog has created a Foster Failure . . . are we surprised ? ? NEVER ! Mastiff Rescue loves our Foster Failures ! From his Mom : " We are truly blessed and HAPPY ! " __ DoobieDoobie is a 2 ½ year old brindle male . He is neutered , heartworm negative , up to date on vaccines and micro - chipped . He was starved and dumped in a neighborhood in South Florida . The kind folks that saved Doobie contacted us and took him to the shelter where we pre - adopted him . The shelter staff said what a sweet dog he was . He has been in temporary foster with MRF till we find the best foster for him and also make certain that he does not have kennel cough . The foster tells us that he has learned to get along with her cat and he is learning to get along with a few of her dogs . He ducks or drops to the ground if you lift your arm , hand or hold anything … HE HAS BEEN BEATEN . He knows nothing of toys … it is like his spirit has been broken . Even though this has been his life , he smiles and is like a wiggle worm when you come in the room . He weighed less than 100lbs when first brought home and has been eating 3 smaller meals daily . He probably should gain 30 - 40lb . Doobie is housebroken , gentle while eating and knows basic commands . He does not beg for food … he sits or lies patiently . WE wonder where Doobie learned so much then was treated so horribly . He is on his way to a better life ! Update : Doobie aka Albert a very special new name with a very special family … his new Mom writes : " Albert has been with us for not even one month but our bond is already much stronger than I thought could ever be possible . Nobody really starts or ends the day without hugging him first and he is with us all the time we don 't have to go out to meetings or school ! He has developed with us a series of rituals that make our life even more precious . Albert totally made his point this morning . I had to call the tribe while I was walking him . He was patient for about 2 minutes on the phone he laid on the grass . Impossible to get him up . He would not move one inch . I got it when he rolled on his back to be pet . I hung up the phone and gave him a big hug . He stood up immediately , wiggly tail … . Thank you SO much for your humongous heart MulliganThis dark fawn 4 - 5 year old kind soul came from Tallahassee . We had him neutered , heartworm checked , brought up to date on vaccines and microchipped . He has developed a very involved foot abscess so he will go no place till we are certain that is cleared up . It involves soaking 2 to 3 times daily , massaging and giving medicine all under foster and Veterinary care . This boy was used as a breeder and kept in a crate . He was saved by a gal who ran into financial problems and had to give both her dogs to rescue . He loves his comfort , gets along with cats and dogs and most importantly loves that special attention that his human companions give ! We will keep you posted on Mulligan 's progress . Update : Mulligan has been adopted and has the last name of Blankenship ! Joey and Leslie write : " We just want to say thank you to Mastiff Rescue of Florida for allowing us to adopt a true Gentle Giant ! Pam , Nancy , Kathy and Sandy you all are truly awesome and caring people . We applaud you for the hard work and dedication to saving this wonderful breed . Our wonderful boy is named Mulligan and he is truly a one of a kind find . When we went to see him at his foster home , it was love at first site . He was just as excited as we were . The first thing we noticed is how gentle and lovable the big fella was . His foster care family Sandy , husband and son had truly done a remarkable job with him in the two short months that they had him . From the condition that he was in when he was rescued to the time we met him was simply a remarkable turnaround . We have had Mulligan for about 10 days and he continues to progress daily . He was so fearful of the wood floors for the first few days , but we are proud to say through love and patience that he has conquered this fear . He is more than we could have asked for . All you have to do is just look at his cute face and that will bring the biggest smile to your face . We have had many visitors at our home and must say that he has not met a stranger yet ; to him it 's just more people to love . Mulligan is Ellie MaeEllie Mae has a new Last name of Oliver she has been adopted . Ellie Mae is a 4 to 5 years old and a fawn mastiff that has her forever home . . . she was transported to her foster and fit right in . These dogs KNOW . Her transporter Lisha wrote : " She started the trip choosing to jump into the far back . But true to form of every mastiff , she quickly stepped over the seat to be closer to me for the drive to her new home . She bounded out of the car eagerly after I arrived and pulled me with a strength I had not yet seen from her to the back as she followed him to the fenced in backyard . She sniffed the other dog ( a coon hound type dog ) as the other dog jumped down to check her out . Both dogs then turned around and walked to separate spots to lie down like they could care less about one another . . . . she fit right in . Ellie is very sweet . We put a topper on the truck just for her and carpeted it all including the ceiling . That way this winter she can go wherever we go . She loves sunbathing in the yard even though it is so hot . " We look forward to hearing about How Ellie Mae is doing and thank the Mr and Mrs Oliver for their great care and love . Nora Nora is a very smart and sweet girl who was left alone tied to a fence at a shelter . She was very shy and nervous at first and quickly came around to the sweet fun loving Mastiff she is today . She is a funny and sweet girl who knows what she wants and how to get it . She will rattle her food dish to remind you it 's dinner time or show you that her water dish needs to be refilled . This clever girl can even open lever door handles ! She gets along well with both of her Mastiff brothers and baby sister . When not curled up on the sofa in true Mastiff style , enjoys spurts of play outdoors with the rest of the pack . She enjoys lots of love and attention and will make a great addition to the right family . Nora is 4 years old , spayed , up to date on vaccines , heartworm negative . She tested positive for Lyme and we are treating her . She is a very healthy mastiff and has a great foster to watch over her . Update : We love our Foster Failures . . Nora is staying with the Olsen 's who have been giving her love and the attention that she thrives in . Nora loves sleeping with the Olsen 's daughter and being part of the family . We look forward to Happy Tails from the Olsen 's . Thank you for loving Nora ! MuffinThis fawn boy is 2 ½ years old , tad bit chunky , very strong and needs some work … but he is very sweet and happy . He is afraid of metal bowls and strange noises . He barks at things he is unsure of . He has been good with smaller dogs and has been living with a labradoodle and Shih Tzu . His owner had to give him up because his job was taking him out of town for a month at a time so he felt there was not the time needed for Muffin . Muffin is a big boy at 160lbs , he is up to date on his vaccines and he will be neutered in mid - July . He has just come into MRF and we are just learning about him . Our fosters will keep us updated with photos and information . Update : Muffin has the last name of Bradley . Muffin has moved to a wonderful home in the country very few noises to bother this boy . Donna and her husband have so much love to give that Muffin will never want for attention or affection . We look forward to hearing of Muffin 's adventures in his new life . HurleyThis wonderful big boy was very much loved and due to life changes in his home , his owner felt that she had to surrender him . He is neutered , up to date and heartworm negative . He is 6 1 / 2 years old … . . that special age that makes them absolutely enjoyable . Hurley is ready for his furever home . He is a big boy at 202 lbs . , with lots of love to give . He LOVES fluffy squeaky toys but they don 't last long . He is good with kids & other dogs . He has not been tested with cats . He rides well in the car and walks on leash . He would love to be someone 's " Velcro " dog and give his heart to the right family ! Please take a look at this special boy , you just might be that perfect home that makes Hurley part of the family … . Update : Hurley has a wonderful new home with the Gurganus Family and MRF has another great volunteer ! RachelFrom her foster mom . . . " I have had Rachel only a few days but she is a real treasure ! I can 't imagine how she ended up in a shelter . Except for having a litter a puppies recently ( or maybe in spite of ) she is in great health . She has great manners and was obviously loved at one time . She immediately fit into my pack of 4 Mastiffs & 1 shepherd mix without any arguments from anyone . She is on the small side at only 100 lbs . , approximately 5 years old . She has been recently spayed and will be looking for her furever home soon . " Update : Rachel has been adopted ! Rachel has the last name of Bronga ! She was dumped at a shelter and when Nancy picked her up , she could see no reason why someone would dump such a lovely dog . Nancy kept saying she is perfect . WE got her into a wonderful foster home and Rachel decided it was to be her forever home . She took over saying good night to the children in their bedrooms making certain all was okay , she watched over her foster Mom when the repairman came , she absolutely loved her visits to the grooming salon and she was loved by them . Yep , she was the Bronga 's new family member and yes they failed foster 101 . . . but what a win / win situation for such a great dog and a wonderful family . . . We wish you happiness and we would love stories , photos for our Happy Tails . ApolloThis lovely 4 year old mastiff has had a life full of turmoil . Looking at the information supplied to MRF , Apollo was given up by his first owner probably because he was in the service and shipping out . His 2nd owner loved him and unfortunately was killed in a motorcycle accident a couple of months ago . He has been taken care of and moved around by friends to keep him safe from landlords that do not want large dogs . Some very caring individualscontacted Mastiff Rescue of Florida for help in re - homing Apollo . He is 4 years old , fawn , weighs 140lbs , is up to date on vaccines and neutered . We are still evaluating Apollo . He loves to play in the water , loves his bully sticks , worries when his foster mom leaves the room . He would do better in a home with female dogs . Apollo needs a stable environment , he needs a forever home where he will be loved and have the comfort a mastiff needs and loves . Update : APOLLO has been adopted by Helen Sharp and Mathew Orlando a great husband and wife team that Apollo absolutely loves and they love him . He has a mastiff sister Bella and a French Bulldog sister by the name of Princess Leia . We wish them so much fun , happiness and look forward to hearing of Apollo 's adventures with his forever family . Thank you for giving this dog such a wonderful home . ShayOur MRF volunteer has taken in and trained Shay . She is a very nice 2 year old apricot mastiff female . She is spayed , up to date on vaccines , heartworm negative and weighs about 120lbs . She loves to play but as is so true to the breed a couch potato other times . Shay loves to be your pillow and just loves the kindness given her . She knows how to walk on a leash perfectly on your right side ( even when a stray cat runs across her path ) She lives with 3 other dogs in the home … . When she is outside she will let you know when someone passes by with a bark . Shay is a special dog that will go to a home that is 100 % gentle like she is . AnnaWe have some of the very best fosters that many times foster and nurture many for MRF till they find the best homes . Then that special dog comes along that just fits in … which is what we always say you must watch and listen to the dog . . the right companion will come along . Saturday that happened . We called our foster Dr Holly Vance in Ocala on the spur of the moment , to let her know we needed her help in fostering an 11 month old female that had to be moved immediately . Our volunteer Nancy drove all day Saturday to pick up Anna and drive to Dr . Vance . Though a bit unsure , Anna was taken with Dr Vance 's daughter … and the rest is history . WE got a call last night that Anna would have Vance as her last name . A great beginning for a wonderful mastiff and a great family . Thank you ! ShilohShiloh is a 1 year old Fawn female recently spayed , up to date on vaccines and has a microchip . She recently came from a home that gave her no boundaries . All puppies and dogs need boundaries , direction and obedience . Consequently , she was very scared when our volunteer picked her up and extremely nervous when she arrived at the foster 's home . Shiloh came from a home with other dogs , chickens , cats and a 4 year old child . Shiloh has been with our foster a week and is learning to be a dog . She now has boundaries and she listens … she is willing to learn . Our fosters are not trainers but they do the very best they can do for these dogs … because they care and want the best homes . The adoptive home that gets Shiloh must not be a novice to big dogs . . . they must have experience , kindness and be willing to take this dog to training classes , which will create trust between Shiloh and her new family . Any young dog is a commitment , work and training to make that special companion that we all want . These dogs are worth it ! She is a happy mastiff now , she gets along with her 2 foster brothers and the cats . She is obedient and listens to the foster . It is a wonderful change is progress that must be kept up . We will keep you up on Shiloh 's progress … again , we thank our Fosters . Sam / SammySammy , is a a wonderful smaller fawn mastiff who has been with his foster for evaluation and is ready for his forever home . The Foster tells us that : Sammy has met the grandkids a baby and a 9 year old and was great with them . Sammy has been living with several dogs including a mastiff , beagle , boxer and Chihuahua without any issues . He is a very playful guy as is the boxer , they run around each other in circles while outside . When Sammy first arrived he drank excessively which caused him to have to void more . His drinking problem has become much more manageable , although he still would like to drink a lot , we have learned to ration the free time for water . We limit his access before bedtime and during the night . We have left Sammy and gone out for 6 hours without an accident but will limit his free water while we are gone . Sammy would do best in a home where someone is available to let him out during the day and is not gone for 8 - 10 hours , there are other dogs and especially kids . Sammy will make a wonderful addition to the right home ! Zoe Zoe is a 5 year old , spayed female , up to date on vaccines , heartworm negative . She is sweet and goofy . She came into rescue in March after having been a family pet all her life . Her owner was a victim of the economy , losing his job and house and living in his car with Zoe . To his credit he tried to keep her and take her , but realized her quality of life was affected and surrendered her . He fed Zoe whatever he could but when Zoe entered the rescue , she had some skin issues . Zoe has been in 2 foster homes since entering rescue , the first a temporary home which detoxed her of her less than ideal diet . As a result she has been exposed to several situations . She has been around big dogs and cats . She has some small prey issues and may chase cats if they run . Also , on leash , she becomes very focused on small prey , but her focus can be broken by corrections and gentle tugs on the leash . But she should not be off leash outside of a yard . She has met other dogs while on leash Mae WestMae West , or as her foster family calls her " Mattie Moo " , is a sweet 4 - 5 year old FAWN gal who was dumped in a Miami Hospital parking lot . She was fortunately picked up by another rescue and held to try to find her owner . That never happened , so they called MRF . She does several tricks - - like shake , lay down , guard the kitchen and ice machine ( loves ice ) , and sits pretty ! She 's very willing and eager to please . She loves her baths , food and just being with people . Because she was in heat when she was first brought into rescue , we must give her some time before she can be spayed . The procedure will occur is planned for the beginning of April . Mae West is heartworm negative and up to date on vaccines . By the way , she does like to chase cats or try to pen them . She is currently lives with another mastiff , a beagle , a bloodhound and several cats . Loves to sleep on her bed next to her fosters . Her Foster Mom and family affectionately call her Mattie Moo . . . which she loves ! ArloWhat a special 5 ½ year old fawn boy . His owner died and the family surrendered him to a shelter . This poor boy was surrendered with nothing of his own , no bed , toys . . . nothing that made him feel that he had a life . The shelter saw something special in this boy and contacted us . He has just been placed with a foster and she has 2 other dogs which he is learning to get along with . He is depressed and sad . This will take time till he is secure and happy . He does love getting on her bed for cuddles and love … than he goes to floor . He lays close to his human 's feet when watching TV and will give little kisses on request . He loves human contact and will make someone a very devoted dog . He just needs time . Update from his foster family : Arlo loves people , the couch , drinking water , and chasing the ball . All he really wants is to be around you . Great on walks , can be hard headed and slow to react ( what mastiff isn 't ) . He is a bit water hose obsessed , so bath time can be challenging . We have been working on keeping him calm while bathing because he just wants to jump at the hose and bite the water . Getting better . Knows how to shake , sit , lay down . He will bark when he is ready to come in . He will test any door he wants to go through with his massive head ; very curious and wanting to be around you . Has no issues with sharing water and food bowl trays . He and Lilly have the side to side bowls that are raised and eat at the same time . They use the same water bowl as well . He did get out the side gate that was not latched all the way and sat on the front porch and barked . I was home so I came around and let him in , so funny . Like I said he will test anything that isnt closed or latched to be around youBy the way , Arlo would love to have a pool and a boat in his forever home . Way to go , Arlo ! Update : We have another foster failure and Arlo will be staying with the Pierce 's , such a lucky Mastiff to have such a great home ! BellaBella came into rescue from a Good Samaritan who rescued her from a breeder . Bella had eye issues and was underweight . Bella had never lived in a house ! Never had a gentle human touch ! Bella never played with a toy ! All of these things are new to Bella . Bella 's foster has made great progress addressing the fact that Bella had to learn to go potty outside , although there maybe the occasional accident , Bella is quite smart and has learned to open the sliding door and let herself out . Bella continues to prefer to be outside " chillin " in the sunshine , although she is very content to spend her time on a comfy dog bed . When inside she does not like to be confined to a room away from the family and will escape most barriers . Bella is receiving great food and has started to gain weight , but it is very apparent that Bella had been used for multiple litters . Just before Bella came to rescue the breeder was forced to have the vet perform a C section to save Bella who had 16 dead puppies she could not deliver , thus Bella was immediately spayed and no longer of use to the breeder . Bella is a 6yr something female brindle mastiff who 's tail never stops wagging ! Bella is learning the basic commands , is now 125lbs with more to go . Bella is living with a teenager , a couple of cats and another mastiff who she gets along fine with . The foster mom has told us that Bella has a huge maternal instinct and attempts to treat the guinea pig like a puppy . Bella walks well on a leash and is fine when the neighbor comes over to let her out but continues to flinch when approached . The foster family is working hard to make Bella feel secure and build up her confidence . Once that is completed and Bella gains more weight , she will make a wonderful companion and friend . Update : Bella is Adopted ! Her new Mom writes : " Good morning Ladies , sorry for the tardiness of pics lots of phone issues . Bella has adjusted extremely well in her new surroundings and is the most gentle , kind soul on 4 legs that we have come across . She loves giving very wet kiEmmaMs . Emma is a wonderful brindle gal about 2 years old . She was dumped in a forest in the Naples area living there for about a month alone , surviving the elements as well as predators like bears , bobcats , panthers , snakes and weather . Fortunately , those that lived close to the area noticed her and left food out , hoping to lure her in their fenced areas . Finally in November , they lured her in and called animal control . These wonderful caring people had kept us in the loop the whole time and they still care . Once the shelter had her , we contacted the shelter to let them know that we would send a volunteer to see Emma . We were able to rescue Emma from the shelter and move her to a wonderful Foster home in mid - November . When Emma arrived at her new home the 2 other mastiffs and bulldog greeted her as if they had known her . Her foster Mom Kathy says : " She loves her bath , treats , breakfast is at 8am dinner at 5 . She will bring you her dish . Emma is playful , cuddly and beautiful . She has big brown eyes , full shiny coat and rarely drools . She is completely house trained . I do not know how she is with children . She barks at the neighborhood cat when it 's in the yard . Emma is a wonderful companion . She is a bit untrusting of men . " Emma still must gain confidence , she leans on her foster Mom to make certain the path is okay and safe before she goes outside . MaxMy name is Max and I am 5 years old and very young for my age , I am big & goofy with floppy velvety ears . Like many mastiffs I am similar to a two year old human trapped in a 150 pound dog body . As with all 2 year olds , I need rules & consistency . A firm but gentle hand would be ideal . Sometimes I get vocal & I need a parent who will tell me when I 'm too loud . I like my own space to go chill in ; perhaps you have a table that I could lay under when the household becomes too chaotic ? ( That is my safe place , I can watch the world but not get involved ) I came to Florida with a family that I had spent the majority of my life with . Once they moved to their new place they were informed that they couldn 't keep me so they reluctantly but wisely called the rescue . I am neutered & up to date on my vaccines . I am cuddly & like resting my head on yours . Keep in mind that if you stop petting me before I am ready , I will give you my paw , and not in a gentle way . I also like putting only my rump on the couch , or on you just so you don 't forget I am here . Most living creatures are food motivated . Don 't get me wrong , I would never turn down a treat , but I much prefer a toy . Usually mastiffs are couch potatoes , but I love to run in the yard & chase my ball . I live in a house with 2 other Mastiffs , 2 cats , a guinea pig & a few 2 legged humans . I am not small prey aggressive , but I do find the cats to be very interesting . Update : Max has been adopted , and this is what his new family says : " Max is doing great ! Tango ( our current EM ) and him are becoming good buddies and he is fitting in well . He just finished his first week of obedience and is proving to be very smart . He is still adjusting of course and is learning the rules regarding our 2 cats . It seems that his curiosity can be a bit intense at times and he wants to chase them . So as he learns our rules he does better every day . He is also a big love bug and LOVES to cuddle . I 'm usually fairly standoff - ish with too much cuddling with NEW dogs since they are still earning thGinger SnapHi . I 'm Ginger Snap . I 've only been in foster care for a short while . Unfortunately no one knows my story except me & my beautiful brown eyes can 't communicate what I went through . I was dropped off at a shelter by someone who claimed they found me on the street but when the shelter people called the number associated with the microchip it led back to the person who dropped me off . I entered my foster home nursing a bad infection in my leg to the point where I was limping . But after a good diet , a trip to the vet & some medication I am walking back to normal . I even have a little trot to my step . Even though I 've only been in my foster home a short while , my family has already found out a couple things . One , I am super sweet and like people . You pet me , I lick you , win - win for everyone . Also , I am highly interested in small prey ; I can 't help it if they look like squeaky toys . Next , I 'm not too fond of the other mastiffs in my house . Not sure why - maybe because they are bigger than me , and I seem to do ok with dogs of my size or smaller , but I may be best in a dog free house where I can receive all the attention . I am definitely a petite mastiff , starter sized . I am not sure what I 'm supposed to weigh , but I am currently 103 # & my tail bone is a little too prominent . I am not yet spayed & the vet was unable to vaccinate me because I was running a fever from the infection . But don 't worry , I will be up to date on everything by the time I come to your house . I am about 7 years old . I hope you pick me so I can spend the holidays at your house . What a better present than an awesome dog like me . Update : We have just received word from Ginger Snap 's foster that they have fallen in love with Ms . Ginger Snap and want to give her that very special FOREVER HOME . We look forward to hearing all about Ms . Ginger 's life with the Keels . Thank you for giving this gal that special home . TitusTitus has a forever home with the Stokes Family ! He is living on a wonderful farm and getting all sorts of love and attention . We look forward to hearing about Titus . SashaIt 's hard to believe this happy playful young lady is the same sad sick dog that I first met on Memorial Day . She has made an amazing recovery in both in body and spirit ! She is just an all around great dog ! . . . She is very affectionate & well behaved . She loves to lie at my feet and nudges me to scratch her ears or give her a pat . She shows no interest in getting on furniture , but she does love her bed . She never even sniffs at food left on the counter or table and hasn 't touched the garbage , even when she is left alone . She loves to take walks ! At 2 she is still very puppyish . She romps & wrestles with her boxer foster sister . She enjoys chasing a ball , but hasn 't figured out to bring it back yet ! She loves her meals and will remind you if you are late ! She enjoys sunbathing and playing outside , but prefers to hang out inside with her people . She likes everyone - babies , kids , men , women . She lives with another mastiff & a crazy boxer and visits often with a chihuahua and a beagle . They are all one big family . No cats around here , so don 't know about them . She likes to go for car rides and likes drive through windows even more ! Update : Sasha has been adopted ! ! She will be the Princess of her castle . Thank you to The Abercrombie family . We look forward to hearing about Miss Sasha . Chaz - A special , special needs dog ! Chaz is a dark brindle boy of 5 , who has special needs . Chaz is allergic to all vaccines and has dietary issues . Chaz will need a family who is prepared to utilize a holistic veterinarian for titers to determine that Chaz has the immunity to protect him from disease but does not receive unnecessary vaccines . Also , if he becomes " stressed " , he will have digestive issues , so diet is very important . Chaz is a wonderful companion , who has 2 distinctive personalities , the " Serious Chaz " will sit quietly while you discuss current events and political opinions with him , he never disagrees or argues his point , then there is the " Wild & Crazy Chaz " who attempts to get anyone within distance to take the challenge and PLAY , that is when he becomes " The Wild Thing " but his antics will make " Your Heart Sing " ! He is a very young soul just looking for the perfect family who is willing and financially able to make him a part of their family forever . Update : Chas is now in his forever home . His new Mom tells us : " He likes to sit out in the sun while I eat lunch . He 's such a good boy . I 've even left him alone with the cat . We walk early in the morning and am glad he 's a stop and smell the roses kind of guy so walking both of them is working out fine . On the ride home he kept putting his head on my shoulder and I would give him kisses . So sweet . The one with the cat in it was when I told him he couldn 't play with the kitty so he ( very astutely ) went and grabbed his toy and shook that instead . GOOD BOY ! ! " Sampson A couple of months ago , we rescued a mastiff from the Collier County shelter . MRF volunteer Donna Marie Amy picked him up and fostered him for a couple of days till our foster Susan Kirkham drove down to get him . Susan . . . and her family took him home , and named him Sampson . This mastiff ( as so many do ) won the hearts of the Foster Family and the Kirkham 's have given Sampson a last name . We are proud that we have another Foster Failure and a special new beginning . It is a Win - Win for all involved ! TroyThis is Troy , he is a dark brindle boy who is around 6yrs of age but a very young 6yrs of age . Troy was surrendered to MRF due to the family having to move . Troy gets along well with dogs of all size , is very interested in the cat but only to play . Troy really LIKES BIRDS so we know he can not go to a family with any feathered friends . Troy loves kids of ages , he is an active goofy boy who just wants to play . Troy is now up to date on vaccines , heart worm negative and just got neutered . HopeHope is a lovely 6 year old gentle giant . Hope does not climb on furniture ; she loves her bed and usually sleeps at the foot of our bed . She will let you know when it is time to eat and if her water bowl is empty . Hope is a home buddy . She goes outside , sniffs around , does her business then is ready to go back inside . She loves squeaky toys . She gets along with our female mastiff and they often sleep side by side . She is fine around our toddler granddaughter , other kids , and dogs . Hope has an arthritic hip but it only slows her down a little . She loves any affection , especially just getting down on the floor and giving her body rubs . She is ready for a forever home and is a joy to be around . Hope is a special Lady that would love to have a family to love . TankTank was slightly reserved upon meeting his foster mom when she picked him up from a Mastiff Rescue of Florida volunteer at the truck stop exchange point . Once the car pulled into the driveway at home his tail start . . . ed thumping . He greeted his foster family with tail wags . Since we know he had been outside for the last 5 months Tank desperately needed a bath . Less than an hour after meeting his foster family he was patiently standing as they cleaned his massive body . After drying off , Tank came inside with his tail wagging , walked around getting to know the new home . He briefly walked around before coming into the kitchen and sitting down to be petted . The petting turned into him rolling onto his back and asking for a belly rub . He could not get enough of them and the affection they gave him ! You would never had known he was in pain from the way he acted , but Tank had horrible ear infections as well as an infection in one of his eyes . He seemed to know that the medicine would help . He offered absolutely no resistance - not even turning away - to get eye drops and ear table , he shows no interest in people food and lies next to the table while his foster family eats . He stays off the furniture , and isn 't even sure what to think about his dog bed . Tank 's ear infections most likely made it hard for him to hear , but he does come when someone whistles and responds to people talking to him . Tank is housebroken and He likes to hang with his new foster family and shows how much he likes them by leaning against them . His tail is frequently wagging as he walks around the house . We are enjoying getting to know this very special mastiff . To save a dog like the Panama City Dog TANK takes a village of volunteers and we thank each of you ! These Mastiffs are so lucky to have the teamwork of the MRF volunteers . When called in to action , they say where and when ! Janet : Our Craigslist spotter Melissa : Bullmastiff Rescue Lori : The volunteer dog evaluator Debbie : Did the fosters Home Evaluation Diane : Volunteer that picked up , took him to the veterinarian and transported to I - 10 Lisa : His Foster Mom , met Diane and transported to Tallahassee Pam Boswell : Arrangements and coordinator Jan : Forms Nancy : Payment of bills BrutusBrutus " the old shoe " has found his forever home ! Our boy Brutus has picked his forever family ! He is now enjoying the comfort of his own bed , TV time with his people and the companionship of an older dog buddy who fits his style , " slow and steady " . Brutus just wanted to remind all of you that he was very lucky to get adopted so quickly and there are many more dogs just waiting to find the right home to call forever . NogginNoggin is a handsome brindle boy that is a joy to foster . He is neutered , heartworm free and up to date on vaccines He is 3 years old , 155 # , gets along with male and female dogs alike , cats are of no interest to him and last but not least he loves kids too ! Noggin just wants to be with you wherever you go . He was left in a vacant house for 2 weeks just having someone let him out and feed him 1 - 2 times a day . He loves to play with water from the hose , take a walk and chew on tennis balls . Noggin is now in a wonderful forever home ! Lacy is a 6 - 7 year old fawn mastiff . Recently rescued from the shelter , picked up as a stray . Lacy has been adopted by her foster family . She has become very devoted to her foster Mom and Dad and she is her Foster Mom 's shadow . Lacy has a wonderful loving forever home . . . ! Sadie came into rescue because the family she has known since 8 weeks of age was deployed to Germany . They attempted to find her a permanent home on their own only to have her returned within a few days . Their time frame was very short as to the date they had to leave and fortunately they contacted MRF . We love happy endings at Mastiff Rescue and this is a fairy tale come true ! Sadie came to us not knowing how to play or interact with other dogs , suspicious of everything new . Duke as you all know had a long to these special dogs and wish them many years of happy memories . Athena is a 4 year old , Heart worm negative , spayed UTD and micro - chipped . Her transporter / foster called when they got home and said she was staying and never leaving . We do love foster failures . Athena has a wonderful permanent home . She has been adopted and has a last name ! Bennett is a 2 - 3 year old fawn male , neutered , UTD on vaccines and micro chipped . He is heartworm positive and will be on the slow kill method . Bennett was tied to a tree and left to starve . Fortunately , an officer found him and he was taken to a shelter . He was termed aggressive . We heard about him and our volunteer went to evaluate and came home with Bennett . He has been sweet , fun loving and learning obedience training . Loves to sleep on the couch ! Bennett was a transport and foster failure … Foster went to pick up and fell in love . Bennett has been adopted and has a last name ! Oliver is a wonderful 2 - 3 year old that was dumped in the cane fields in the Clewiston area of Florida . Animal control had heard stories about this mastiff for several months . When they could not catch him with dog food and traps , they were forced to dart him . Thank goodness they did as he has a wonderful personality and had been taught the basic commands . Our longtime volunteer had recently lost their English Mastiff and wanted another to be part of their lives . He is the one that drove to Clewiston to pick up Oliver and after a few licks and kisses on the way home … we received a call telling us that Oliver had picked them to be his forever home . Amazing how these dogs know . Transport and foster failures we love ! Oliver has a last name . Partnered With :

Category Archives : Uncategorized December 23 , 2013 · 11 : 50 am My Great Northwestern Adventure : Part 3 Olympic National Park would 've been amazing any time of the year , but it was particularly awesome during our visit because we had the entire park to ourselves . With majestic seascapes and soaring evergreens dripping with moss , it was like wandering onto the set of the Lord of the Rings . It 's possible the snow and frigid temperatures had something to do with the lack of tourists , but it hardly kept us from enjoying nature 's beauty . If you can see past my poor camera 's exposure capabilities , you can begin to understand how disgustingly beautiful this place is . Just off the highway was a trail leading to the beach , and a small wooden bridge spanning a creek because it simply wasn 't picturesque enough without an adorable bridge leading to the rocky shore . And then , driftwood ! Driftwood as far as the eye could see ! Like , so much my driftwood - coveting mom would 've surely swooned right there on the sand . The enormous growths on these spruce trees are called " burls , " as in Burl Ives , only they 're not as holly jolly . Trees form burls after an injury or if they 've contracted a nasty virus or fungus . These growths are a reminder of how the natural world is a masterwork in the absence of human interference . The thing about these towering forests is you can 't get a decent picture of them . I grew more and more frustrated with my point and shoot camera as the scenery exploded with obscene beauty . There 's no way to articulate their majesty in photos . It 's like trying to replicate the Mona Lisa with washable markers . This quote from God , a . k . a . John Steinbeck , perfectly sums up my sentiments : " The redwoods , once seen , leave a mark or create a vision that stays with you always . No one has ever successfully painted or photographed a redwood tree . The feeling they produce is not transferable . From them comes silence and awe . It 's not only their unbelievable stature , nor the color which seems to shift and vary under your eyes , no , they are not like any trees we know , they are ambassadors from another time . " Though Steinbeck may be referring to the California Sequoias , this quote is more than applicable when it comes to the woody skyscrapers of Olympic National Park . What 's more , unlike every single time I 've ever visited Sequoia National Park , there weren 't tourists crawling all over the trees , giving it the illusion of an unspoiled fairyland . There was only one other car in the parking lot when we finally reached the Hoh Rainforest . Amongst the trees lived the most soul - enriching silence . You couldn 't hear any traffic , or people , or any signs that civilization existed . Pure magnificence . The snow only frosted the blinding greenery , not obscuring it , freezing this emerald wonderland in a ghostly glaze . The scenery looked too magical , too breathtaking , to be real . I half - expected a satyr to leap out of the ferns and start jabbering to me about a secret quest . How fortunate the people of Washington are to have this amazing forest . I 've traveled to many of America 's most beautiful places , and this ranks near the top of my favorites . I can 't wait to come back and explore it more , when my toes won 't be in danger of breaking off in the cold . There are other similar forests in Washington and Oregon I didn 't get to visit , which will broaden my explorations on future trips . The nice thing about missing sites on your first visit is it gives you a reason to come back . Washington gave me plenty of incentives to return . Comparatively speaking , I 'm a youngish U2 fan . I fell for them in 2001 , at the end of my senior year in high school ; by the time I entered college , a full - fledged obsession had begun . This was mostly due to the fact I saw my first U2 concert that same year , sending me into a fandom spiral of no return . The fact I got to see them that year at all is sort of a miracle . I remember exactly where I was the moment I first heard about the show - it was night , and I was driving the country way home . I just happened to have my radio on when someone mentioned U2 was playing at the Savvis Center in St . Louis . I sped home like a storm of devils was after me and found out tickets were going on sale in a matter of days . I called up my concert - going friend and asked if she wanted to come with , and she was game . It all happened ridiculously fast , with a string of green lights that seemed to wave me in the direction of musical destiny . The show was November 28th , and it was the fourth - last date of the Elevation tour . I made it under the wire by four tour dates . It remains the single concert that changed everything for me . Before that , I really hadn 't dove into anything outside of boy bands , because I was sheltered and didn 't know any better . Post September 11th , U2 was the driving force that helped me grow up . Their music , and that show , opened up an entire world to me . The band exposed me to ideas , music , and culture I wouldn 't have necessarily discovered on my own ( or until much later ) and for that , I owe them more than I can probably ever know . Fast - forward to my absolute U2 fandom initiation / mudslide . I went through their entire catalog , buying up each CD slowly to savor each one along the way . There was no record store near me , so I generally bought most from a now - defunct CD store in the mall , and from big box chain stores like Circuit City . My first U2 album was their latest , All That You Can 't Leave Behind , so I went back and began collecting them chronologically , starting with Boy . I distinctly remember when I finally picked up Pop , and had the funny feeling that I would never buy an old U2 album again . From then on , everything would be fresh off the press . It was kind of scary , as I feared the best had already come and I wouldn 't be as excited about anything that came thereafter . So I took that time to really listen to each album and give it its due , which is maybe why I hold neglected titles like Pop so dearly . With my new musical taste came new friends ; I met one of my best college friends in a drawing class . We bonded with our shared interest in music , and he introduced me to other bands I hadn 't given much attention to before then , like the Smashing Pumpkins , Radiohead , and Moby . Sadly , he had never seen U2 live , so I made it my mission to show him all the live U2 DVDs eighteen billion times until he could taste a grain of what it was like to witness them in person . You might assume this was ill - informed , but awesomely enough , it wasn 't . He loved them as much as I did , so it was only fitting when a ginormous U2 exhibit came to the Rock ' n Roll Hall of Fame , we went together . This epic journey fell on our spring break . I won 't go over all the adventurous details , but let 's just say it was full of randomness , innocence , and music , and the trip stands on a short list as one of the best times in my young life . Of course , it centered around us spending two days in Cleveland , Ohio , and drooling like bwain - hungry zombies at the Rock ' n Roll Hall of Fame . For whatever reason , we thought it would be a great idea to walk to the Rock Hall from our hotel , so I have this memory of me walking sixteen city blocks in fancy platform sandals and realizing I 'd made a huge mistake somewhere around the eighth block . The great thing was , once you get to the museum , you just stand around and stare for the most part , so you 're only really required to shuffle . One of the first sad truths you learn when you enter the museum is there is no photography allowed in the exhibits . Outside and in the lobby , you can take all the pictures your little heart desires , but once you 're past those velvet ropes , the CIA will jump out of a helicopter and throw you to the ground if you so much as look in the direction of your camera . ( Only slightly exaggerating . ) The fact of the matter is , once you get away with touching a historic piece of rock memorabilia , it infects you like ebola and you can 't find a way to stop . It becomes a game , and you start making mental lists of all the things you want to touch , and keep tabs on where the security guards are stationed at all times , and start plotting strategies with your cohort to make your dreams become reality . Once we entered the tower , the top of the U2 exhibit and beheld the dimly - lit room full of stage costumes , I kind of lost it . Nothing became more important to me than my mission to touch Bono 's black pleather Fly costume . The Fly - I touched that pant leg . Unfortunately , not while Bono was in them . Some touches were more easily scored than others , based on the layout of the room and the number of guards stationed at each exit . Well , the U2 costume tower was more heavily guarded than any other room - with two guards at either end , and nowhere to look but right at you . Which is why it was so impressive my friend and I started a running tally of all the things we touched . Later , I made a list of my coups on a dinner napkin . But the Fly was my Holy Grail and it held out till the end , on our second visit , after we 'd exhausted everyone else in the room . We had hung around for what was likely a couple of hours until the guards could stare at us no more , and I made my way for the exit and slyly held out my hand to touch the pant leg like a child brushing their hand along a sidewalk fence . Turns out , the cooler you play it , the less likely anyone is to notice it . That is , unless you 're doing something you think is completely within the rules and a security guard spots you . There should be nothing more rock ' n roll than being kicked out of the Rock ' n Roll Hall of Fame , am I right ? The irony is , I got escorted out by security for something incredibly lame after I 'd done the bad stuff undetected . After our big touching " heist , " ( Wow , could that be taken horribly out of context … ) my friend and I made it out of the exhibit and paused on the stairs to take pictures of the Trabant cars hanging from the ceiling . The tiny cars were used as stage lights on U2 's Zoo - TV tour , and from the top of the stairs , which led to the lobby , I could get a higher vantage point of the details . Contraband Trabant photo taken from the forbidden staircase . Notice the Secret Service agent is totally wearing sunglasses inside a museum . That 's when security yelled at me to drop my camera . I wasn 't a total vigilante , mind you . I was always a good kid in school , yadda , yadda , so when someone actually yelled at me , I tended to listen while my head hung in shame . So it seemed a little much when a security guard motioned me down the stairs , and another followed me , both with their little Secret Service headsets . To clarify , I asked the guard at the bottom of the stairs what he 'd caught me doing wrong . Apparently , it was okay for me to take pictures of the Trabants from the ground floor of the lobby , but not on the stairs . Even though they were the same cars and I wasn 't able to see anything else from the exhibit with that vantage point . It was one thing to be yelled at while you were touching Elvis 's guitar , but taking a picture of a cardboard car hanging from the ceiling at a slightly higher angle equaled a security escort from the premises ? Needless to say , I was a bit thrown off by the parameters of the rules . What was more , the Secret Service stayed glued to me like I was some kind of marked criminal and wouldn 't let me browse in the gift shop . I left the Rock ' n Roll Hall of Fame with a confused sense of triumph . Which was more awesome , touching The Fly 's pant leg or having a story about being physically ejected from the hall of musical anarchy by its Secret Service ? I 'll bet the latter is something even The Edge could never boast about . I went back to the same exhibit a year later and was relieved ( and mildly disappointed ) when nobody threw me out at first sight . I half expected to see a black and white security screenshot of my face posted in the gift shop , but alas , I was not as infamous as secretly hoped . I haven 't returned since 2003 to know if the photography rules have changed , but I would imagine security would have to be tripled to keep people from taking discreet pictures with their camera phones . Hopefully , the Nirvana exhibit from the EMP Museum will come to Cleveland , and I can make a return trip to find out first - hand . ( And , perhaps , report back with a new list of coups … ) Now that I 've finished the rewrite of my last novel ( Are we ever truly finished ? Those are the questions that nibble my toes at night … ) , I 'm finally able to clear the way for my new work in progress . This should be a fresh , freeing sensation , right ? Honestly , it 's kind of terrifying . I 've discovered I have an awful time " breaking away " from the last book I 've been working on . At least I already have a great start on the new novel , but it 's like wading through a desert . I don 't have a strong grip on the voice yet , and everything is so new , it 's daunting . There 's an overwhelming " I don 't know where to begin - ness . " I have , after all , been rewriting for the past year , which involves one comfortable , well - worn story . I know all of the characters inside - out . I can tell you the route you need to take to get from Freddy 's house to Paul 's , and about how Freddy likes chocolate milk , but won 't touch it plain . I have a grasp on my new characters , but I am still learning about them . The new story has a ton of promise , but it isn 't broken in yet , which is an apt way to describe my life now . New town , new habits , new novel in progress … nothing is nice and cozy - comfortable yet . And as I previously established , I 'm the kind of person who doesn 't take well to change . I find security and sanity in the things that don 't surprise me . But I also am the kind of person who loves to go on adventures and discover new places and sites - maybe I just need something trustworthy to come home to . Either way , I 'm not there in my book yet , which is why I haven 't been writing regularly . Also , the story wasn 't coming as quickly as it had been in its fledgling days of wildfire ideas . Instead of writing for the sake of writing , I wanted to take a new approach . I decided to stop forcing the issue of writing for the sake of writing and reflect on the story outline , which is usually impossible for me . Normally , I just let the characters reveal the story to me and write when a scene comes to mind . In the back of my mind , I knew that this story had to go somewhere and I wasn 't seeing the forest for the trees ; the arc wasn 't as apparent to me as I thought it would be , so I just let my brain " rest " on it and gave myself a " break . " And then it came , like a shot out of the dark . I can 't even recall if there was a trigger . Maybe my brain was quietly working on the lock on Pandora 's Box , and one question or thought about my characters or story revealed it all to me . Either way , it changed the entire story for the better . And what 's crazy is it revealed enough for me to construct a nearly complete outline of the book . I don 't work with outlines until I 'm usually reworking plot issues or am nearing the end , so this is all unfamiliar territory at this stage . I have an outline , which I now need to develop with actual pages . And it 's kind of terrifying , because I 'm not used to knowing where my story is going from point A to point Z . I don 't know where to begin because I know too much , if that makes sense . And it 's not like this is a plot - driven novel . The subject matter of my new plot is deeper and more serious than anything I 've tried to approach before , and it 's a little intimidating . It requires the kind of research you can 't find online or in a book . I 'm going to have to actually interview someone to find out what I need to know about my character 's problems . Maybe you know this or not , but writers aren 't usually equipped with suave people skills . A lot of us mumble and avoid eye contact and would rather be thrown into a pit of tigers than into a situation where we have to voluntarily sit down and speak to strangers about real life situations - IN PERSON . So while it 's exciting to have most of my book completely outlined before I start to knuckle down and write , it 's also vexing . Sometimes I 'd prefer not to see the mountain before I start to climb it . Rocks and pebbles are far less intimidating than a tower of steep , evergreen - populated granite . On the bright side , having the whole story before I start writing saves me from churning out thousands upon thousands of words I will never use . My last book took so long to rewrite because my leap - without - looking method got me into two books ' worth of material , and it was supposed to be a stand - alone novel . I would rather not repeat that offense and see those acres of words burning , the smell of their carcasses blurring my revising eyes . This time , I want to do right by my story the first time out of the gate . July 11 , 2012 · 11 : 07 am Movin ' On : Giving up the chair and a hard - worn routine Have you ever looked back at a chain of events in your life and wondered if the world was setting you up to make a big change ? I can 't help but feel I was being prepped over the last several months to make a huge life switch . Remember my panicky chair rant from months ago ? It 's so ironic . Two months later , my column in the local paper was canceled because it wasn 't " local - centric . " And then my husband declared he wanted to move closer to his workplace , as the 55 - minute commute had finally taken its toll after eleven years . In the end , I had to give up not only my beloved writer space and chair at my favorite coffee shop , but my whole town . I 'm not going to lie . It was hard to accept . As much as I complain about living in Hellinois , my nickname for the great soul - beating state that is Illinois , I do love this town . It 's not Chicago , but it 's pretty much the next best thing as far as culture goes . Over the past few months , I had to accept the fact I 'd be giving that up and moving to a smaller town , Conservativeland , if you will , and have been plotting how I will survive . It has a university within a bike ride of my new house , and a fairly vast library I will be able to get lost in . Plus , there is a coffee shop . I don 't think it has a special cushy chair , but it does have chai . And there is a nearby multiplex , as well as a single - screen theater currently under renovation in the old downtown . Access to movies , books , and a hermit hole is basically all I ask for . The food in this town is dismal in comparison to the one I live in now , so I 'm going to have to cook more ( Big HAH ! ) or something . What 's really weird is how more and more things keep changing before the move . The school down the street from where I live has shut down for renovations , and they tore out several huge , beautiful trees to make way for a new addition . Down the street from my coffee shop , a hotel is scheduled to go into an empty space where a building burned down a couple years back . ( I was there the morning the firefighters were putting out the flames . ) My local independent movie theater has turned into a co - op because rent is ridiculously high , and I fear for its survival . Even some of the regular servers at our favorite haunts have disappeared . Bearded Guy doesn 't come into my coffee shop and sit at the table in front of me every day like he used to . I still see him , but not as much anymore . It 's as if all these changes are happening at this point in time to push me out , to make it easier for me to leave it all behind ; like a chapter in the life of this town has come to an end , and when I come back after the move , it 'll be a different town than what I once knew . Leaving a town with all the creature comforts is bad enough , but leaving behind the personal things that make it your town is the worst . As someone who despises change , I hate to see these things happen , and it 's almost easier to leave now than it ever could 've been . An update on my beloved chair : my coffee shop kept it in its usual space and never did install the dreaded " Kid 's Corner " threatened earlier by new ownership . Maybe someone actually listened to my declaration this chair was the only reason I kept coming back . I 'm going to miss it perhaps most of all . The cushion in the arms has worn so thin , you can feel the wooden framework when you prop up your elbows . There is a staple that pokes through the fabric on the left arm I constantly bump myself on . It 's in need of a new stuffing and reupholstering , but it 's my chair . Like Sheldon Cooper has his " spot " on the couch , this is my little corner of the universe all else revolves around . In the past month , this chair was witness to two more milestones : my finishing the fourth draft of my novel in progress , and the place I was sitting when I found out my hero , Ray Bradbury , died . This chair has held me while I cried in public more than once . This chair could almost have its own book about the things it 's been a part of . I 'm sitting in it now , teary - eyed as I write this entry . I 'll remind the owner again before I finally move that I 'll take it if they ever consider throwing it out . It 's been here longer than I have , so I really don 't know how much longer they would keep it . Maybe some kid will knick is or her arm on the staple and they 'll finally decide to toss it . The other two cushy chairs that used to sit in the back of this coffee shop have vanished for whatever reason . My chair stands alone , the last monument of a fallen empire . The official moving date is nine days away . I should probably apologize for being such a sentimental sap , but I this is one more piece of the transition I need to set in place . I can 't help but look at every act without a feeling of finality . " This is the last time I 'll be walking my dog in this neighborhood , " or " This is going to be my last morning chai at this coffee shop , " even though that 's silly , since I 'll only be living an hour away and can visit anytime I like . But I won 't doing those things as I live in this town . I 'll have to make a special effort . And you know how most " special effort " promises turn out . I hate getting up early . There 's no way I 'm going to get up at 6am so I can drive up to this coffee shop and have breakfast here at 8 . It 'll never happen . But , all these changes are pushing me to the realization that maybe it 's time for me to turn over a new leaf , anyway . My time in this town has come to an end . I need to begin new routines and learn new streets and find new hermit holes . Maybe even find a new chair . I don 't really have a choice in the matter . And as " Closing Time " makes a well - timed appearance on the coffee shop radio , I lay to rest my last blog entry made at this coffee shop , sitting in my chair . I 'm not even making this up . Sometimes , the radio just knows . I have to listen to a new album on a physical CD in my car , only my car , preferably alone , and on a roadtrip . Sometimes I will buy a highly - anticipated album the day it comes out , but will reserve listening to it until I can make a getaway in my car . This is a sacred ritual to me , and to deviate from the formula can destroy my relationship with the album . Why ? Because in my world , music attaches to memory in a symbiotic relationship . I bought Ryan Adams 's album Gold when I was in community college , and I used to play that album from my house the entire 35 - minute drive to school . " Nobody Girl " is the point at which I would arrive the back way to campus and my car would be taking the winding road into the parking lot . Every time I hear that song , and the line , " If your horses could talk , I wonder if they would complain , " I know where my car would be at that point during the drive , and it will always be connected . I first listened to U2 's landmark album Achtung Baby on a rainy day after I 'd gone with a friend and her family to a trip to Decatur . It was a depressing day , and I bought the CD from Circuit City , feeling I 'd finally earned the right to listen to it . ( My journey into U2 fandom is another long , long story ; I gradually bought their albums one by one , leaving the best for last after I 'd become familiar with each one . ) This was the first listen I can remember not being in a car , and now I associate it with a gloomy day , rain , and being lost in the limbo of teenhood and adulthood . Even though I have since listened to this album countless times , I will always remember putting that CD into my stereo in my bedroom and turning up the volume to the first unfamiliar guitar riffs of " Zoo Station . " When I listen to a brand - new album , I 'm not just putting it on as background , I am letting it absorb me into its strange territory ; I 'm feeling it out like I would the personality of a stranger . This is why I prefer to listen to a new album for the first time alone , so that the music isn 't interrupted by someone else 's take on it , and I can meet it for the first time on a blank slate . This is why driving is important to me . Since images and memories bond so easily to new music , a changing landscape gives the songs their own unique impression . As can be expected , I try to take different driving routes for different albums and attempt to stay off the same roads . Sometimes an album brings about its own impression and doesn 't retain its first - listen memories ; when I first listened to U2 's No Line on the Horizon , I took a drive with it and immediately felt this was the soundtrack for a drive along Highway 1 , the Pacific Coast Highway , with the surf crashing to the left , and the magnificent rolling hills to the right . I wouldn 't be able to make this vision happen for another year , but when I finally turned on that road and put on the album , it felt like the record was thrilling from the experience - it was in its proper environment , meant to be . That was the moment No Line blossomed . I have an iPod , but I refuse to use it in my car . The car is reserved for CDs only . There is something so impersonal about a handheld device with a list of albums and tracks ; gone is the tactile artwork , the lyrics on pages , the ease of knowing exactly where a CD is in your car and not having to look down to pop it in the mouth of the stereo . The iPod is for when I 'm working and need a portable soundtrack to drown out the silence or the clamor of people around me - it is not a vehicle for picking apart the beauty and intricacy of music . When I get a new CD my husband is interested in , he immediately wants to burn it to his iPod before I 've even had a chance to listen to it . Such was the case for the soundtrack of Pearl Jam Twenty , and I would not let him have it until it had its first car ride . It sounds lunatic to utter aloud , but an album 's first use is the instance of it being born , and burning it onto a computer is like sucking out the soul before it 's had the chance to utter a note . Bat - shit I may sound in these beliefs , but music holds a more important role in my life than it may for most people . Music is inspiration . Music is a life force . Music is the one thing that transcends everything . The least I can do is to treat it with respect . I am not of the vinyl generation , though I feel like I could tumble down that audiophile rabbit hole very quickly if I found the right turntable . My record collection is small , but I can see it growing with the advent of Record Store Day and a new surge in artists releasing special LPs . Maybe that will be my next step , but for now , I will stick to my traditions of the road and the newborn cries of a fresh album filling the cab while an ever - changing backdrop flashes by . December 19 , 2010 · 3 : 50 pm What writers ( and filmmakers ) can learn from " A Christmas Story " Being that Christmas only comes once a year , it 's easy to forget about the invaluable works of seasonal art and the lessons we can take from them the other 364 days on the calendar . I admit my Christmas spirit has an expiration date of about a week , but there are a few gems that somehow avoid the staleness of repeat viewings / readings / listenings , so much so that I actually grow to appreciate them more with each passing year . The film A Christmas Story is one example , in my case . Now that the movie has earned a permanent status on TBS with its 24 - hour marathon each Christmas Day , it 's hard to actually avoid seeing A Christmas Story every year . In my house , the tradition is to start the DVD on endless replay several weeks before Christmas , so it 's more of a constant parade of nostalgia and humor leading up to the big day . Strangely , it serves as a sort of comfort instead of an annoyance ; this is the only film that can boast an immunity to being overplayed year - round . So where did this tolerance come from ? A Christmas Story is , of course , playing in the same room with me as I type this . And I wasn 't thinking of this blog post before the movie started up today ; it occurred to me just about ten minutes into this viewing that every single scene in this movie is quotable . Every single scene . Go ahead . I challenge you to watch this movie and not find a hilarious , poignant , or witty quip worthy of repeating in each scene . How many movies can boast that ? I 'm a bit of a movie buff and even with my generous amount of knowledge of cinema , I can 't think of another movie like this right off the top of my head . So many films have a sluggish section , an empty part or two with the sole purpose of bridging to the next important scene ; even my favorite films have parts that I probably wouldn 't miss if they 'd been edited out . What A Christmas Story has acheived is a story as tight as a drum , without any unneccessary fat , and is the ultimate example of a stream - lined experience for audiences to relish time and time again . Every single scene needs to be there , and adds to the enjoyment of the movie while keeping the action moving forward . How much better would movies and books be if they left out all of the extras and made every single scene count ? I know this idea is an obvious one , but with movies bloating into the 3 + hour realm , and books swelling past reasonable attention spans , it 's clear everyone is not following this basic rule of thumb . I wondered what would happen with my own stories if I looked back and applied the Christmas Story rule to them . Would they stand up to the test ? Though it 's a nearly impossible task to be as quotable as Jean Shepherd , it doesn 't have to be about catchy phrases or memorable lines . A startling idea , a unique description , or a vivid gesture are examples of ways to make a scene pop . It 's something for writers to keep in mind when a scene just isn 't working out . Sometimes , we know we have to have a scene between two key parts of the story , but figuring out what happens in that hole is a struggle . What if we could start with that hook , the memorable quote , the gesture , the wonderful description , and work on the rest of the scene from there ? It may just be the puzzle piece that tells us the rest of the story . " Fra - gee - lay . That must be Italian . " - Ralphie 's father , upon reading the word FRAGILE on the side of a crate . " Only one thing in the world could 've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window . " - Ralphie 's narration , on his father 's " major award . " " You 'll shoot your eye out , kid . " - Santa Claus at the mall . " You used up all the glue on purpose ! " - Ralphie 's father , after his mother broke the leg lamp . " In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan . " - Ralphie narrating about his dad . [ On Ralphie in a pink bunny suit ] Ralphie 's Father : " He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny . " December 16 , 2010 · 5 : 01 pm Does this suck ? WordPress is not my friend right now . Tell me , how bad does this blog look ? Too cutesy ? I kinda can 't find anything that screams , " This blog will rock your world , " so … might have to settle on this rainbow fish design . The other bad news is that the titles aren 't in CAPS , and it was kind of hilarious when the titles were screaming , " I LOVE THIS CRAP . " The good news is that " Please send me more word vomit ! " now fits on the subscribe button . Truth . I got a Charley horse in my calf the morning after Louisville . And I am aware of the irony of this , yes . twitter . com / akmcquade / stat … 1 day ago

Whew ! ! Christmas is over and now the store 's are preparing for Valentine 's Day ! ! I 'm not kidding . . . I was in Kmart on the 23rd and they had all the Christmas stuff pushed to a corner and were unpacking Valentine stuff ! Jeese . . . . In my area , the big snow storm missed us . . . I 'm keeping my fingers crossed for good weather for the 6th & 7th . . . after I 'm back from NY , it can snow , ice , sleet , etc . . all it wants . Christmas wasn 't too bad . I 've got a starting fund for an Ipad ( though I 'm not totally sure that 's what I plan on buying - looking at other tablets as well ) ; and a few needed odds & ends . Christmas was well and I even got over my little madness in regards to the jacket from work . I figured I don 't really wear work related items in public anyway - only at work ; I 'll take it there and wear it when the heat isn 't up to par ( which is often in that office ) . Course the big test will be Thursday evening at weigh - in . . . I 've got my fingers crossed ! ! Nothing planned for New Year 's , though we were invited to Kim 's . But since it means we 'd have to travel a wee bit and roadblocks are set up just about everywhere to catch drunk drivers ; we play it safe and stay home . Other than that , it 's back to work tomorrow for 3 days , then off 4 , then work 2 then to NY ! I 've been sick all day . The cold going around that I 've been fighting for a week finally caught up . I could of drugged myself up and went to work but I chose to stay in bed - I think that was needed . I should probably stay in bed tomorrow as well , but I 'll have to go to work before the 4 - day holiday weekend . We 're so short staffed in the office that it 's hard when someone takes off ; but we realize that it happens but I just can 't do it again . I slept through the morning , not getting up until about 12 : 30 . Then I watched a very bad horror movie . . and now I 'm watching " The Book of Eli " . Seems okay so far . Last night I was down 2 / 10ths of a lb . at weigh - in . I was actually surprised as I was expecting a gain due to several parties and the amount of goodies coming into the office this time of year . CC however is doing very well and is still losing poundage - You Go Girl ! ! After weigh - in we went to a store and tried on clothes . I am happy to say that I ended up buying a size 10 pair of jeans ! ! I was really excited about it ! ! When I started Weight Watchers I was busting out of size 14 's ! Now I 'm in a 10 ! I always thought 10 was where I wanted to be , however , I 'm no where near my goal weight and now I 'm thinking maybe a 6 is where I 'll end up . That 's very exciting ! ! It 's nice to see the weight go down but when the clothes get smaller it 's a wonderful feeling ! I 'm also happy to see that Kim did a posting yesterday and indicated that she and the pastor had talked and he informed her that he told " the gentleman that started all the church problems " that he had been wrong and should of come to Kim first with the blog posting and if that didn 't work things out he should of gone straight to the pastor . That 's so correct . . . instead he chose to do a witch hunt that has led to hate & discontent in the church . Always think how your actions will affect others . It does make me think how my parents will take the news that the pastor they think so much of , does not agree with them . It 's a sad situation with no real winners . Exactly what is a church ? In my opinion , a church should be a place that you go to worship God , share your belief with others and help and support those that are less fortunate as Jesus would do . Oh I am so very wrong . . . . Hubby and I left our church several years ago . . . mostly because it became too political . I wanted to worship , not have a political agenda rammed down my throat . That church seems to be failing , especially within the past year . It 's a shame , but when the leaders lead in the wrong way , that 's what happens . I grew up in a Lutheran Church . My parents still attend that church , but the rest of our family stopped years ago when my nephew was going through the process of joining the church . The person in charge of that class told him that because his parents were divorced , that meant they didn 't care about him . Yeah , you read that right ! Anyway , my mother complained to Pastor , who did absolutely nothing . We all dropped out , my mom continued to go because that 's the only church she 's ever gone to . About 5 years ago , that church went through a HUGE break - up . There was to be a vote and though both sides agreed whatever the outcome would be God 's will and accepted . . . the losing party decided that God 's will was for them all to leave and start their own church - which they did . Unfortunately , the part that left was most of the money . The little church on the hill has been struggling to survive . And they do struggle and do survive . . . but they just can 't seem to get past the split . . . and well , when a church is filled with hate , you have to wonder where they are heading . My parents are part of the group that can 't get past it and don 't seem to be happy unless there is some type of discontent in the church . The most recent seems to be with my BFF Kim , who is the church secretary there . On her blog ( her own personal paid for space ) she posted her struggle with the sermons and the new pastor . Now , I realize that there are people that lose their jobs over this kind of stuff , HOWEVER , Kim in no way , shape or form . . mentioned at It snowed today and reminded me of how much I hate winter . Oh snow is pretty and all and I would imagine if you don 't have to drive in it , it can be nice . But for the most part it just makes things crappy . It 's been very cold here . This morning Joppa Rhode , Cooper and Mickey went outside . When I was ready to leave for work , I called them , but only Cooper came in . I was pretty sure I 'd get to my car and the other two would show up , so I decided to take my things to the car and then go back and lock the door . Still no Joppa or Mickey . I couldn 't search , I went to work . When I got home and pulled under the carport , I could hear Joppa meowing . I opened the car door and he was on my lap immediately . We went inside . About 15 minutes later I found it odd that Cooper had not greeted me . I searched the house - no Cooper . I knew he came in that morning , what happened ? About an hour later he shows up at door . . . . I can only assume he ran out unseen on me this morning when I went back to lock the door . That left Mickey . I 'm no dummy and neither are any of you . Mickey had been going in and out on short intervals the past few days . But being out all day was a longer period of time and hubby had said those words we should never say that morning . . . " I think Mickey 's going to stay this time . " Hmmmm . . . . . sure . Hubby gets home an hour later and here comes Mickey ! ! ! Though I 'm not sure he 'll stay forever , I am hoping through the winter . But I also realize that Mickey will soon be 13 years old and well maybe he just isn 't up to traveling anymore . Time will tell . Due to the weather no Weight Watchers tonight . . . I 'm kind of glad as I was totally unprepared to weigh in . I really feel as if I fell off the diet this past weekend . With the get together after the funeral , there was tons of food . I had all my daily points to use and I took off an additional 10 from my weeklies just in case . Though I had to basically estimate points , I 'm sure I was still within my point range . At my mother 's Sunday , again I was within my range but it was the second day in a row I had to " guess - timate " so I added another 10 weeklies to that . Then last night was a Christmas Party , which was a sit down dinner . I could control that a little better and didn 't go over my daily points ; but I still feel like I 've gained . Don 't get me wrong - I know at some point and time I 'm going to gain . It 's just par for the course … but I 'm just not ready for it and frankly next week scares me . Two work parties coming up and then Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day … I need to start doing some exercise I guess . I haven 't really truly done anything with exercise , but again , I knew at some point that would have to happen . I 've decided the best I can do for the holidays is the " Aim To Maintain " - if I can maintain where I 'm at , I can get back into the regular routine after the holidays . So what are your diet goals for the holidays ? at I know it 's December and I expect it to be cold . . . but must it be arctic cold ? ? ? With really high chilling winds ? ? ? Brrrrrrr . . . . . . . . It was a long weekend . In the event you missed the little snippet in one of my posts , my mother - in - law passed away last week . It was a very long , emotional , tiring weekend . Everyone is doing fine though . Course having the few days off resulted in an extreme file room back - up . It 's it totally unreal . I had to catch up the commissary deposits , which was a weeks ' worth and then from 1 : 00 - 5 : 00 I put paperwork in order . That 's right , it took 4 hours and I was just combining stacks of paperwork that were already in order ! ! ! So nothing 's been filed yet . Tomorrow that will start . I 'm so very cold . . . . While discussing FaceBook with an online friend , I made the statement that I had originally gotten on FaceBook for High School Reunion purposes . I was met with a " Oh , none of those people spoke to me then , I certainly won 't speak to them now . I don 't go to the reunions and have no desire to . " I have found this to be a common answer from alot of people . I graduated almost 30 years ago and yes , there are people on FaceBook that I went to school with that weren 't my friends then but are now . Why ? Mostly because I 'd be leading an awfully sad life if I was still holding onto grudges from 30 years ago . I grew up ! ! My online friend may absolutely truly not care of being in touch with those people , and that 's fine . . . but I think it 's sad that one would choose not to have a lot of friends . That doesn 't mean that I " hang out " with these people ; but we do share at FB and talk at reunions and I don 't see anything wrong with that . I 'm happy to say that after one week on the new Weight Watchers plan , I 've managed to lose 2 lbs . ! ! So the new system does seem to work . But of course , I 'll feel better after being on the plan about a month to really be able to see if it works ! ! Guess I still have all those old points in my head ! One of the questions I asked at the meeting last night was " Do I have to use all those daily points ? " My daily points increased from 22 points to 29 points . Though it 's true that items high in carbs increased in points ; fruit became free so things worked itself out . . . but they still gave me more points . Those points are a little handy if you want to eat out or have a second helping . . . but on a regular basis it 's too many . If I have 6 - 8 pts still to use at the end of the day and really am truly not hungry , should I just eat anything to get the points ? I was advised that though I should make an effort to eat all the points , I should not eat if not hungry especially if it means eating unhealthy snacky things . That made sense . Right after we have this conversation . . . . and I mean immediately after , someone else asks the exact same question ! Was she sleeping through the conversation I just had ? ? ? So I posed the question at the WW message boards - " How do you get all your points in ? " There were some good answers . One being something I never thought of - replace some of those non - fat items ( cheese for example ) with the low - fat ones . Will be higher in points and much better in taste . Also make sure that I 'm getting all my Healthy Guidelines in as well . That 's 6 cups of liquid ( water preferred ) , 2 servings milk products , 5 servings of fruit / veggies , 3 servings of healthy oils , a multi - vitamin . I got the vitamin and liquid under control . . . but the rest I need to work on . . and yes , that would help with points . So I 've got some items to work with but I 'm still going strong and am now down 21 . 2 lbs . ! ! Any other diet I 've ever done I could get to 10 lbs . and that was it , could never get any further . With this one , no food is forbidden and I at Remember this guy : We haven 't seen Mickey since last winter during the big snow storm . We brought him home but as soon as the  weather cleared he left to go back to the old house and has remained there since . However the weather has gotten really cold in addition to some high winds and it made me think of Mickey again . So yesterday I drove by the old house and there he sat on the side porch . When I pulled in the driveway he started towards the car , HOWEVER , when I got out of the car he ran in the other directions . The home owners came out , agreed we were in cold weather again and said they 'd try to catch him , crate him and give us a call . When I got home today I had a message from them and went to the house to get him . I took him out of the crate and we drove home . We got out of the car and while walking to the house Cooper came along . Mickey took one looked at him and turned and ran in the opposite direction - GONE ! ! I had a place to be and since he ran from me , just decided to let him go on his journey back to the old house . But when I got home a few hours later , I heard him howling and he came to the door and came inside . Right now he 's hiding in the basement , but at least for tonight he won 't be out in the cold and wind . On a sad note , my mother - in - law died today . Last Sunday I went with CC to return her son and friend to Penn State after the Thanksgiving Holiday . Long drive , but nice day . Some photos : Yeah , it was a long day ! ! On Thursday we did our Weight Watchers meeting and despite a holiday loaded with food we had both managed to lose some weight , get new program material and hope for the best with the new point system . Friday evening we went to the  Waynesboro Children 's Theatre Troupe 's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat . A friend of CC 's had 2 sons performing in the play . The oldest was playing the part of Pharoh and is so very talented . This is his last show with the troupe as he graduates high school this year . You will see this boy on Broadway some day - I 've no doubts about this . Her younger son was one of the kids in the play and it was his first time - it was so funny to see him really getting into the music ! It was a fun time ! On Saturday CC and I ( it 's a crying shame we never see each other , huh ? ) went to some Christmas Bazaars at some area churches . We then headed to the outlets in Gettysburg for some much needed shopping . As an after thought , we went to Boyds Bear Country . I haven 't been there in a very long time . It was all decorated for Christmas and I took some photos : The bears are always so cute ! ! It was a tiring but enjoyable day ! Today was our family Christmas Party for my mother 's side of the family . Two of my cousins and I are in charge of this and it 's rather tiring . We had a good turn out though and even though a few didn 't show for various reasons , we had some that were first timers - so that was great ! Again , photos : There is always plenty of food ! Too much for a dieter like me as a matter of fact - lol ! And speaking of diets , I 'm very happy to say that several family members noticed I had lost weight ! I thanked them profusely as no one else ever notices . . . but as hubby tells me the people who see me every day ( co - workers for example ) aren 't likely to notice the changes as quickly as those who don 't see me as often . Guess thaat Well tonight was my Weight Watchers meeting . My head is still spinning ! ! It 's a lot to take in especially if you 've been doing WW . Points have to be all re - thought ! ! Oh and we 're to refer to them as Points Plus not just Points . . . but it will be PP for this blog ! The best way to approach this system is to act like you 've never done WW ever ! Which we all know really is impossible . It 'll be great for the newbies ; but for those of us that have been doing the old program . . . well forget all the points you have memorized - they all have changed . I was disappointed that our center ( and I 'm reading this is true of most centers ) were completely sold out of the new kits . Apparently enough weren 't ordered , or maybe enough were they just weren 't expecting all the newbies at this time . I would think there would be a flow of newbies after Christmas ; but for some reason they 're all starting now ! ! Anyway , most of the products are being sold at discounts and they were throwing in the individual items as a packet at a reasonable price ; I chose the pack that came with the Food Companion , Dining Out Companion , 12 week tracker , calculator and cookbook - CC chose the one with everything I got minus the cookbook ( we 'll share that anyway ) . The calculator is a must for this program ( no more slider folks ) but I find this one to be rather cheaply made - it even looks it ! ! Hopefully they 'll improve on that model - I do live by my calculator . Hopefully , I can make it through tomorrow and CC and I can grocery shop to get things working ! We need plenty of those 0 PP Fruits ! ! Hubby - self explanatoryThe Grandboys - self explanatory also , I have 4 . CC - Cousin Chris , my partner in crime and everything else . If we were characters on Grey 's Anatomy she 'd be " my person " . Polt - One of my co - workers and fellow blogger . My Pets : Toby - well behaved dachshund / terrier mix . Lucy - a puggle mix , very activeDexter - our beagleCooper - my orange & white tiger striped catJoppa - ( the Jop rhymes with Hop ) my black & gray tiger striped catRooker - ( Rook rhymes with Book ) my new kitty - he 's white & blackHershel - the neighborhood cat that decided he lives with us - he 's gray and whiteRossi - my brown guinea pig that no one else wantedMorgan - my hairless guinea pig that traveled from Michigan to be with usBob - our red ear slider , that I 'm sure will out live usMerle 3 or is it 4 ? He 's a betta fish ; each time one dies , I get another and give it the same name Always check with your doctor before starting any weight loss program . Pick the program that you can do for a LIFETIME . Weight Loss is not a temporary situation - once you get it off , you want to keep it off !

My most valued possession is my family . Even if you are living in a boxsomewhere , and you have the love and support of your family , you will always bewealthy . Love really is all you need . From love , great things will emerge . Fromyour thoughts , you can create greatness . This is what I need to remindmyself of everyday to be the best person that I can be . Live your life withgratitude . Be thankful for all that you have everyday , even if it is your eyesto see or your ears to hear or your feet to walk or your hands to create . Understand your place in this Universe ; how infinitesimally small you are , buthow huge a contribution your Spirit is . Don 't wear blinders to the world aroundyou , you 're not the only one here . Be kind , considerate , don 't be judgmental , love others , and yourself . Know that you are perfect inside ; that you arelove . Good Morning , everyone ! It 's that time of year again , can you believe it ? ! I . Can . Not . Noah is up getting the lights for the house , now . I 'm getting ready to take all the Fall / Thanksgiving decor down and put up all the Winter / Christmas - time decor . We may even go get our tree this evening ! We 'll see how tired out I have the hubby . . . Well , here is week 32 of SWB . I touch on a sort of unconventional " reason to the Season " . Don 't be offended if it 's not what you think . I may have different thoughts and beliefs than you , but I think we all basically want the same thing . Why not read it first before shooting it down . . . it may surprise you . It won 't take long , and it certainly won 't ruin your relationship with your beliefs . For those of you who haven 't read yet , you 'll be surprised to see it 's not exactly what you expect . Hey , there . Here 's a very personal post that I have been sitting on and debating on whether or not to share . So , I guess I 'm sharing . It is important to me to share what I think is important , if it means it may help someone else . Thanks so much for reading my blog ( s ) . You will never know how much it means to me , but I will always try to tell you . Hi there ! I thought I 'd share another quick little dinner I whipped up using some of my treasures I got at the annual Peach Festival in Grafton , Illinois at Pere Marquette Lodge at Pere Marquette State Park . After an unseasonably cool summer , this day was pretty warm , but a great day to browse what the local farmers had to offer . We bought a bunch of plums and big juicy peaches , the absolute best I have ever eaten , actually ; picked fresh early that morning . I knew I wanted to do something with those plums for dinner , like a plum sauce with chicken , but I didn 't know what . I went on the search and found something that we really liked . I altered it just a little , but you can get the full recipe here . Look how beautiful these are ! Stir together the plums , jalapeno , onion and 1 / 4 tsp . salt in a medium bowl and the brown sugar , cumin , and remaining 1 / 2 tsp . salt in a small bowl . I rubbed my chicken with the brown sugar mixture working rather quickly as the brown sugar melts fast . What I did next varies from the recipe , but made the raw salsa very delish ! I cooked the chicken in the olive oil in a nonstick griddle skillet over medium heat for several minutes on each side . When the brown sugar started to caramelize I turned the heat to low and added a little water to loosen the sugar from the pan . I took the chicken out and added the juice from the skillet to the salsa in the bowl . I folded it until it was blended well and let it sit while I made the rest of my dinner . That was just a simple box of Near East Parmesan flavored couscous and Green Giant Sugar snap peas . The couscous literally takes five minutes , just enough time for the peas to steam . When the peas are done you can drain them and serve , but I always sauté them with a little olive oil and salt in an omelet pan . Yum ! I 've been away for a short while attending to my brother 's arrangements . He passed last Friday , July 26th . My sister and I have been in Wisconsin all week to tend to everything and to bring our brother home . I had been trying to get back into the swing of things here with getting this blog back under way . I 've been to some interesting places , and seen some interesting things , but have just not had the time to share them with you . I started a couple of furniture re - do 's , but , of course , that was put on hold , just for a bit . I will get back to blogging about our ' lighter side of life ' just as soon as it lightens up a bit ! Thank you to all of you who keep checking back . Thanks for sticking with me . I 'll be up and running before too long . That 's precisely what my post on " Confessions " is about this week , if you are so inclined . It 's a dedication to my brother , and also a reminder to live your best life , fully and with abandon . Thanks for stopping by , you will never know how much I truly appreciate it . I wanted to write a little about the changes I 've gone through this past year and the fears that I have had about it . Have you had a major life event that has changed you and you fear losing friends or family because of it ? In this blog post for my sister blog Confessions , I lay my fears to rest . confessions of a thinkaholic : The Power of Change : I 've had something on my mind for awhile , now . I 've been worrying that some of my friends , family and acquaintances might feel that . . . I want to hear from you ! Please don 't be shy . . . I learn from you , too ! Your opinion matters to me , but , please , no judgement or hateful words here . Thanks ! Oh my gosh ! How is everyone ? ! I have been on hiatus for way too long . . . I do apologize . I really have a lot of projects and adventures to share , I have just had so much going on , it 's so hard to find the time to get it all done . I am pretty ambitious , I guess . I want to do it all . . . right NOW . It sometimes surprises me to realize that I can 't do it like I imagine myself doing it . There is always so much that I want to do , I overwhelm myself . Anyhoo , I have a lovely little telephone table to share with you . First , I must clarify - - I did NOT re - do this table . I found it at the Grafton Flea last month . I had to have it . It 's just what I would have done , but saved me all the time and put some money in some lovely gal 's pocket , to boot ! They had so many wonderful up - cycled things in their booth , I just KNOW they watch Flea Market Flip , like Noah and I do . I walked past this booth twice to get a really good look at all their stuff . I immediately set my eye on this table . I checked the tag . . . $ 48 . Whew ! A little more than I wanted to pay . I hate to haggle , because I know the work that goes into re - doing furniture pieces , IF they are done right , and not " slopped " together just to make an insane profit . I knew that this was probably an old discarded piece from a garage ( free ) , or at the very least picked up for next to nothing at a yard sale . Heck , they could have even gotten it from someone 's curb . I come across a lot of great stuff that way . But , I wanted to be fair . It was done very nicely , and , like I said , exactly how I would have done it . Plus , I 'm a sucker for paisley . I started my haggling . . . I asked her if she would do it for $ 30 . Yeah , yeah . . . I know . . . kind of a low ball offer . But , I didn 't want to run the risk that they didn 't primer it first . * Note : Whatever you do , always sand and prime your piece before you paint , unless you have a special paint that boasts " no primer needed " , and even then , I 'm wary . There is nothing worse for a project than peeling or chipping paint where you don 't intend it to do so . You can never quite match up a nice big chip unless , of course , you want the piece distressed and then you can just sand that spot down into a distressed spot . Ok , where was I ? Oh , yeah . . . haggling . So , thirty was too low , I guess . I got a bit of a grimace . Not too bad of one though , so I knew I had room to keep going . She went $ 45 , I went $ 38 she went $ 42 . She wasn 't moving much , I wanted it , I took it . There you go . What can I say ? I 'm a sucker for paisley AND the work already being done for me . . . this time . I was longing for something to go next to my front door that I could sort of fake as an entryway since the front opens right into the living room . I had been looking for an old dresser , or would have even settled for a new piece with drawers and cubbies for baskets , which is what I really wanted there , storage is always good , but I fell in love with this and it is the perfect place to sit and put on your shoes . Here are some close - ups of the great job these ladies did on the very subtle distressing . Just my style , and not too shabby . I love how the vintage ash tray 's color ties in perfectly with the seat . They are the perfect spot for loose change or keys . And , the paisley really compliments the cut out pattern of the wood in the table front and seat back , don 't ya think ? Edana was an instant fan . Then again , she 's always an instant fan of anything new brought into the house . I have so many other projects of my own to finish . At least two chairs right now and a table or two , and a dresser I 'm converting into a buffet for the eat in kitchen . The list goes on and on . Hopefully over the rest of the summer we can get most of what I want done . We are on a week long vacation over my birthday in about three weeks so I have big plans for our " staycation " . Good Morning and Happy Cinco de Mayo ! The next installment of " Sunday 's With Buddha " is up at the other blog . Hope you can stop by and check it out with the link below . While you 're there , let me know what you think . . . Happy Sunday . I have really been working on a lot of projects , lately . I had promised a long time ago several posts ago to share the link to my SmugMug account so you could check out more of my photos . I am by far NOT a professional photographer and I use a very modest camera , for now * hint hint * , but I try to capture those moments that make me remember the beauty of the world around us ; one of our greatest gifts . I 've been participating in Instagram recently and I am amazed at the talent and appreciation for beauty that is shared by so many . If you are on Instagram and would like to see what I 've been up to , follow along with me at @ nsteindesign . I still have so many photos of the Smokies to edit and upload , but there are plenty in there , now , as well as many other galleries of photos . I 'd love it if you could check out my SmugMug , and you can just by clicking this link ! : http : / / nsteindesign . smugmug . com / I hope this finds you all well . I know I 've been on a bit of a hiatus , but I 'm wanting to get right back into the blogging I enjoy so much . My last post explained a little of why I needed to take a break , and I thought I was going to be back after that , but I guess I just wasn 't ready yet . I think I am now , though , and I want to share an easy post with you here . A quick little dinner I made tonight , thanks to a Weight Watchers recipe , believe it or not . And it was quite good . It passed the family taste - test with flying colors . And it really was quick to whip up . Here 's the recipe : Combine 1 1 / 2 Tbsp flour , 1 / 4 tsp each salt and pepper on a plate . Add chicken and toss to coat . ( I cut up the chicken into little chunks ) Put 1 cup broth and garlic into the skillet ; bring to a boil over high heat , scraping up the browned bits from the skillet . Add broccoli ; cover and cook 1 minute . In the measuring cup , stir together remaining 1 / 2 cup broth , 1 / 2 Tbsp flour , and 1 / 4 tsp salt ; add to skillet and bring to simmer over low heat . Cover and cook until broccoli is crisp - tender and sauce is slightly thickened , about 1 1 / 2 minutes . Stir in chicken and lemon zest , heat through . I gathered my ingredients . $ 12 . That 's it . Believe it or not . Including the 1 3 / 4 lbs thin cut and trimmed chicken , and I have three breast left to freeze for another meal . The recipe suggested angel hair pasta , rice or couscous . We love couscous , but we always have that , so I thought angel hair pasta would be the perfect match up . I know the pot looks small , but the pasta shrank down quickly and it worked out just fine . I added the broth and garlic , scraped the pan , and added the broccoli and let it simmer . This is where I had to improvise a bit . The next step in the recipe says to add 1 / 2 Tbsp flour to the 1 / 2 cup broth and add that to the pan , cover and cook until the sauce is thickened . This did not happen . . . Anyway , back to my not - so - thick sauce . . . I uncovered the skillet , added the chicken and zest , and that still did not thicken the sauce . I was afraid that if I let is simmer any longer , my broccoli would turn to mush . So I quickly added another 1 / 2 Tbsp of flour and viola ! Immediate thickness . Not to mention how wonderful it smelled ! I hope you are encouraged to try this one . I was done cooking and we were sitting down to dinner within 30 minutes . And for just $ 12 for all three of us , with pasta and chicken left over for another meal , what a bargain . I 've got a ton more pictures of places and things we 've been doing lately , and I can 't wait to share them with you , so check back for that . Also , if you read my other blog , I 've got some great ideas brewing for over there , as well . Thanks for reading today ! I have a new article posted on Tiny Buddha ( tinybuddha . com ) . If you head over there you will find a lot of great posts by some really great people . Thanks for taking the time to read my personal blogs and my submissions at Tiny Buddha . Have a wonderful week ! confessions of a thinkaholic : Coming back from a little time for myself . . . : Hello , everyone , I have to apologize for being so absent this last month or so . I 've been on a bit of a solitude mission . I haven ' . . . I want to hear from you ! Please don 't be shy . . . I learn from you , too ! Your opinion matters to me , but , please , no judgement or hateful words here . Thanks ! Well , hello ! Did you all have a good Valentine 's Day ? Noah and I did . Though I didn 't take the night off , we went to a nice local restaurant and had a very romantic dinner and the most delicious glass of wine by the fireplace talking about our goals that we are wanting to accomplish this year . For a married couple who have been together this long , being this compatible in our goals and dreams is romantic ! Anyway , I finished the front door wreath that I had been planning on for weeks now . I love it ! It was terribly easy and so cheap ! Read on , and I 'll tell you how I did it . . . A little while back , on one of my trips to Hobby Lobby , I picked up this chipboard letter while they were on sale . It was about $ 2 . 50 at 50 % off . Since I don 't live near enough to one to go anytime I want , I try to stock up on what I know I 'll be using soon while there 's a sale going on . I don 't want to buy a bunch of stuff that will just collect on a shelf , so I 'm glad I live far enough away to plan my trips . That way , I always buy on sale and only buy what I 'll be using eventually in the near future . And , since there are always sales going on , I know I won 't miss anything and can plan and get it next time . I removed the sticker from the front of the letter . ( There were two - one on front , one on back . I can never figure out WHY they always do this . ) Then I just painted a THICK coat of pewter grey onto the letter . Don 't forget the sides and a little on the back . You can paint the whole back if you want , but once it 's attached , no one will see that part , so do what ever strikes your fancy . Then have yourself a Hersey 's Kiss ( or two ! ) while it dries . . . Then , once it was good and dry I painted the whole thing with a THIN coat of the white . I wanted some of the grey to show through and to really show up after distressing . I used a real hair paintbrush because I wanted the paint strokes to show . However , no matter what I did , and no matter how much I washed and tried to pull out the loose strands , it still " shed " all over the initial . It did come off when sanding , but was super frustrating during the painting process . I 'll probably stick to my good ' ol sponge brushes next time and just try to ' dry brush ' extra paint ( like the grey ) for distressing . While that was drying completely ( I even popped in the 300 * oven for a couple minutes to ' cure ' it and make sure it was REALLY dry . . . but watch it every second , it is made of paper ! ) I assembled my artificial flowers . Now here 's the fun part . While shopping with my sister Saturday , I was at HL and was looking for just the right flowers . They have beautiful artificial flowers , and are always on sale , but that was still more than I wanted to pay , especially since I was going to take them apart . My sister told me to try the Dollarama we have right in town , she said there were great flowers there . So Sunday I ran uptown and found these beauties . All for a dollar a piece . $ 6 ! I simply pulled the flower heads off the stems and they came right off , staying fully intact . Some I really had to cut the stems off because I wanted to glue them flat onto the letter , so I reinforced those with hot glue , but that was it . The rest stayed intact and had enough stem to push down into the wreath . These were a great find ! I just layed them out where I wanted them , sticking them into the wreath and then picking them up one by one , adding the hot glue , and placing them right back where I wanted them . Easy peasy ! I had bought this grapevine wreath at Michael 's a couple months ago , and used my 40 % ( or even 50 % , I can 't remember ) coupon and it was around $ 5 . This is the initial for our last name after sanding and distressing . I used a scrapbooking sanding block because it 's so easy to hold and has different grades of sandpaper on each side . It worked SO well . Here are some close - ups of the details I got on the corners and edges after sanding . You can see the grey and the chipboard brown showing through nicely . I 'm glad it turned out so well . It 's really like an MDF type material and I have never used this before so I didn 't know what to expect . After all the flowers were glued on , I glued the " S " right onto the wreath . I had already layed everything out where I wanted it , so I could assemble everything easily and I would know where the flattest spot was on the wreath for the letter . Then I took a couple of the left over flowers , cut them close , and glued them onto the letter for visual interest to round out the design . Here 's the finished product . It makes me so happy when I pull into the driveway ! It 's vibrant and just a lovely thing for the door . I hadn 't really wanted any pink at first , I wanted all white , but after looking at the dollar store and found these , they all went together so perfectly . Now I can 't imagine not having a little pink ! I is my favorite color , after all ! This is a Pinterest inspired project , of course , and you can see what inspired me here . You can find a lot of inspiration there for a million projects for your home on the cheap . I 'd be delighted if you would follow my Pinterest boards . I have a follow button just in the upper right of my blog page . If you haven 't already , it 's worth a sign - up . But , I warn you , it 's ADDICTING ! ! Thanks you so much for reading today , I hope this project inspired you to try something beautiful for your home . Hope your weekend is going well ! I 'm working on a lot of things right now , but took a little break and went with my sister to this craft and antique mall that I actually used to have a booth in called the Alton Exchange ( you can also check out the facebook page here ) . I found a few little things that made me oh , so happy and just wanted to share them with you today . I love , love this place . . . it is so well organized and there are a TON of booths to give you so many options to find something special . Plus , Terry is one of the greatest gals around ; she works so hard to make the experience in her shop one that will keep you coming back time and time again . As I wandered the rows and rows of unique and ever changing vintage , antique and handmade booths , I picked up a few things that just seemed to pop out at me last night . Here 's what I got . . . These little ' ashtrays ' were just sitting on a shelf together . I got both for only $ 5 ! They were pristine and unused . I thought they were the cutest thing for a bookshelf or table . Had to have those . . . I also happened upon a rack with many different pieces of jewelry . These little handmade bead bracelets were only $ 2 ! So , of course , I had to have two ! Sure , I could make them myself , but I really do love supporting local artisans whenever I can . I think it is super important to buy local and to support the creativity in each other whenever we can . I am obsessed always on the lookout for old wooden boxes , cheese boxes , sewing machine and cash drawers , etc . My sister snatched up the sewing machine drawer that we saw at the same time ( a little healthy competition is good , right ! ? ) but I found this little guy on a shelf , and it was only about $ 5 ! A vintage Wisconsin cheese box - - right up my ally . I 've got some ideas stirring around for this . . . I also picked up a 10 yard roll of burlap garland . Now , I know I just bought some of this in St . Charles that I used on my Christmas tree that you can read about in this post , but this is a little bigger , and it cost half as much . . . HALF ! ! ! At only $ 12 bucks . . . imagine all the possibilities ! The other thing I found was just about as random as you can get . Up on a shelf I noticed this Jewish / Hebrew item . It had definitely been used , and I was curious . Noah and I are always on the lookout for unique items to honor his Hebrew roots and this was too good to pass up . It 's a napkin holder , of all things ! When Noah met us at the Exchange after work ( yep , ladies I 've got a husband who loves to go antiquing as well as work on Hot Rods in a garage ! ) I showed it to him and he had to have it . He said " That will look great . . . " and we both finished simultaneously with " . . . up on a shelf in the kitchen . " It 's great to be married to your best friend . : ) By the way , I have a big P . S . As you may already know , I have another blog called confessions of a thinkaholic . I also regularly submit blog posts to a fantastic website called tiny buddha , and my newest ( and third ) post is up on the site . You can read it here , if you 're interested . It 's titled " Letting Go of Fears and Worries About Getting Things Done . " I so appreciate it if you do , but no worries if it 's not your thing ! Both my blogs are completely judge - free zones ; I just want you to enjoy yourself while you are here . Just know that I appreciate you and am so happy you stopped by today ! Hello ! Hope your week is going great for you , so far . Monday I finally finished up my little Valentine 's Day wreath . The pillows have been done since January , because I always like my pillows to do double - duty so I can just flip them around when necessary . It really saves time and space . Less to change out and pack away ! I made them the very same way I make all my pillow covers . You can see a quick tutorial here of the original pillow covers I made for Fall and the flip side of these covers for my winter / January decor right here . I used muslin as the material for the front and back cover , and a red and white ticking for the front decorative panel , and sewed that to the muslin . Then I used some creamy white chenille fabric and some burgundy wool felt for the hearts . I just cut those out and placed them where I liked them , pinned them to the ticking and sewed them on . I was then able to sew the two panels together , leaving a good enough sized opening at the bottom for my pillow to be slipped in . While it was still inside out , I folded the hem of the opening over and pinned it and sewed that to make a good sturdy hem for the closure . I turned it right side out , and hand - sewed the twine on for the tie closures . All this is detailed in my winter pillow cover post . Don 't you just LOVE these flowers ? ! I found a tutorial of these on that Pinning site . . . you know the one . Here 's the link to her blog Ruffles and Stuff , where I learned all about making them . It is a CUTE little blog ! I made them over the course of a week or so while watching telly or having a " crafting moment " on the weekend and made enough for the projects I wanted to complete for February . I will be making a lot more for next months wreath that I want all year ' round on the front door with our initial and some of these flowers in a larger scale . I 'm working on that this weekend ! I had been milling over what type of wreath to make for the front door for a while , and I was actually just going to buy one of those ready made store - bought hearts with all the sparkly red tinsel hearts on it and froo - froo it up , but my husband didn 't really like that idea . Truth . He had an opinion about the Valentine 's wreath . So , I had this grapevine heart wreath for ever and I just decided to pull off the out of date stuff that was on it and use it for my wreath . Kinda perfect , right ? I started to just pull the old dried flowers off , the hot glue was so old it just popped off without damaging anything . I know it might seem pack - ratty to keep everything , but I have craft closets , and I don 't really have that much . Just stuff that will save me a ton of money if I don 't have to re - buy it . Do you know how much grapevine wreaths can be ? I have a bundle of them that I got at a yardsale for next to nothing , HUGE ones , and all I had to do was take the old decorations off . Ok , back to the dissasembly . . . and enter my " helper " . She is just about the most curious cat there is . Loves the sound of tape being torn from anything and will climb a mountain to get it . Completely disarms you of your needle and thread if you are trying to so much as sew a button ( like tonight ) to eat your thread , and of course , she must try the grapevine stems of your wreath if you happen to be working on the floor . Not that a table would stop her . Oh , yeah . . . she rolled all in the discarded dried stuff , too . And tried to eat it . And attack it . She 's pretty spunky for a 13 year old . I 'm sorry I don 't have any assembly pictures , but I can walk you through it . It 's pretty self explanatory . I definitely wanted to use the flowers I made , and wanted to incorporate the word love somehow . I found a box of red glittery chipboard letters that I had . They were the perfect size . I would have loved to use that new burlap garland I just bought , but I couldn 't figure out how to incorporate it . Plus , I wanted this to be light and airy . I had a bunch of tulle I bough on sale just before Christmas so I cut a long strip of that and weaved it through the wreath . It seemed made for something to be weaved right through there , so that worked out , too . Then I tried my letters out until I found the right spot for them and hot glued those down . Next , I started laying the flowers around until they looked right . I had more white ones than anything else and one teeny tiny flower , so I placed them by the " L " to use all the flowers and ballance the look . When I decided on the placement , I just hot glued all of those down , as well . I really like it ! It 's not what I was thinking of at first , but I don 't think I really knew what I was thinking of . It matches my pillows and I finally used a wreath I 've had for years that I didn 't know what to do with . The best part about all of these projects . . . it was all free ! ! I truly hope you have a wonderful Valentine 's Day . If you 're a couple , do something nice together . It doesn 't have to cost a thing ! Make dinner together from a new recipe topped off with a special dessert you both made , and watch a romantic movie at home . One of our favorites is " The Notebook " . If you are parents , take your kids to the movie or have a movie night at home . Look online for Valentine themed party ideas and play some games and make treats with your kids . If you 're single , get together with some of your single friends and go to dinner , or a winery , or have a dinner party at home . Watch a goofy , funny , sappy romantic movie like " Date Night " and laugh together . Or treat yourself to an evening of shopping or a trip to the salon . A quiet night at home curled up with a book with the ringer and television off or a glass of wine and an old black and white like " Casablanca " is a great way to treat yourself . No matter what you decide to do , treat yourself , and others well , and spread some Love ! I want to hear from you ! Please don 't be shy . . . I learn from you , too ! Your opinion matters to me . The best ideas are shared ideas , so feel free . . . Thanks ! Nanette All photos , video , artwork and text on this blog are original to myself and / or my husband , unless otherwise stated by links to the original source , and thus protected by copyright . Please feel free to pin photos or posts to Pinterest or to place links in your blog so long as it links back to this site . Thank you ! Hi there ! My husband , Noah , and I have been best friends for 17 years and will celebrate our 12th anniversary this October 26th . This blog is our little chronicle of all the things that matter to us . Our hearts are filled with love for our family , friends , home , our little pets and each other . We believe everyone has the right to be happy and to enjoy life doing what they love . We would be honored if you followed along on our journey through Our Eclectic Life . . . . I am a wife , mother , artist , writer , thinker , dreamer , creator and believer in all things being possible . The most wonderful things are happening right now , even after much , much tragedy we have endured . I am so grateful of every experience and everyone who has crossed my path . I am hopeful that we can all coexist on this planet being kinder to each other , where living judgement free and compassionately is as second nature as breathing . Where the bariers of our own minds are dissolved and the evolution of each of our Spirits is steadfast and free . Let your creativity be your guide and live your authentic life , fearlessly and with abandon . Harm none and spread light . Be easy on yourself and those sharing this planet , as well as the planet itself . Be the change , and the change will come . * * THIS IS A REALLY OLD POST FROM 2015 THAT WAS FOUND IN THE ARCHIVES AND LISTED AS " DRAFT " . . I HIT PUBLISH JUST NOW ( 1 / 28 / 2017 ) . . . My interior and styl . . . Hi gang . Remember me ? Your friendly blogger friend who went on a ' break ' and kinda actually had a mental breakdown and is back to talk about it but not r . . . This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Stearns & Foster . The opinions and text are all mine . Hello friends ! I 'm so excited to be sha . . . Helloooooo ? Are you still out there ? I can 't believe how long it 's been since I 've blogged - the longest I 've ever gone away from this space since I start . . . Foundation is relatively expensive even at the drug store . If you are looking for cruelty free foundations at the drug store , it can get pricey . I wanted . . . It 's crunch time ! ! Christmas is just days away . If you are looking for a hostess gift , party favor , teacher gift or just a little gift to tuck in with some . . . Its been along time coming & a whole lot has changed . Here I sit , 2 years after last blog post . ( Holy cow ! I can 't believe its been 2 years ! ) There have be . . . I have another room thats done enough to show you guys : ) Long ago this used to be my craftroom and i had my office upstairs . This room has changed so m . . . Hello my friends ! Our weather for the past few days has been GLORIOUS ! I mean , just * perfect * . I 'm sitting outside under our pergola writing to you right n . . . * " You don 't always need a plan . Sometimes you just need to breathe , trust , let go , and see what happens . " ~ Mandy Hale * This policy is valid from 28 May 2014 This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me . For questions about this blog , please contact me at nanettestein723 @ gmail . comBy reading this blog , you acknowledge that you are doing so of your own free will and you are taking and following the information provided at your own risk . Unless otherwise noted , I am the legal copyright holder of the material and pictures posted on my blog . 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Thanks for making our first foray into blogworld such a success ! September 1st , we passed 100 , 000 visits to the blog - unreal . In the beginning , we were thrilled to have 150 in a day , and now we 're averaging 4 - 5 , 000 . We couldn 't have done it without all your support . : ) We 'll be here blogging till the very end , and then we 'll get started on the Survivor and TAR blogs . . . Please check the sidebar for those links . There has been a lot of confusion and speculation amongst the Big Brother fans as to when the Coup d ' Etat will occur . So much so , that we thought it wise to go back and check the TiVo . What follows are Julie Chen 's exact words from Thursday night : " Join me one week from tonight for the live vote and eviction . Plus , in a Big Brother first , we will introduce the Coup d ' Etat . This new twist will enable one person to overthrow the HoH at a moments notice . " There you have it ! Make of it what you will ! One thing is certain , this new element will bring a new level of excitement to the show . If you have not already done so , click the link above to sign up for your two free weeks of live feeds today ! ! OK . . Dani went into solitary confinement about 20 minutes ago , at 6 : 30pm BBT . She immediately spread a pink something on the ground , then lay down upon it to read her bible . Not five minutes had passed before she put down the bible and started crying . . . I wasn 't sure at first whether she 'd been reading a particularly sad passage , or if the tears were show related . . till she said , " Damn Game . " It 's been 20 minutes and she 's still crying . In direct contradiction to her earlier bravado , I really don 't think the Solitary confinement is going to suit Danielle at all . Frankly , I 'm starting to worry about her . She 's crying and blankly staring at nothing . . . If she doesn 't stop in the next couple hours , I hope the producers have the decency ( not to mention intelligence ) to at least ask her if she 'd like professional attention . True , it could be a ploy on her part to garner such a response , but I really don 't think so . It doesn 't look like that , and it doesn 't look like she 's just having a good " girl cry , " if ya know what I mean . . . Look for yourself . . . All the HGs are on exterior lockdown , and they 're gathered in little whispering groups . Some , like James , are flitting from group to group with little to no subtlety . To keep the confusion level to a minimum , I 'll break up the posts with spaces so you know when we 've gone from one group to another . 5pm BBTLOCKDOWN - Outside . . . EveryoneWill and Boogie are laughing together . . . they won all the good stuff , but they don 't want anyone to know , and they 're getting their stories straight on who they 're going to blame for what prizes . Erika : I slept on cots last year . . . it was ok . Will : I really need to start playing the game this week . Meanwhile , Janie , James , and Kaysar are in a cluster lamenting the raw deal they 've been given by Chilltown . FLAMESAs we mentioned in the previous post , it appears the veto comp involved winning certain items in exchange for making the whole house miserable . Will : Let 's put it this way . . . so Janelle , when are we going to Aruba ? Will : Marcellas got the tv and the 5 grand . . . Janelle : I feel bad about having to put people on the cots . Will : No its ok , nobody really cares . Will : People are starting to think you and I are a team . Jani : How do you know ? Will : Erika came up to me and said , " Your girlfriend is safe . " Jani : Ooh . Will : We have to get Marcellas out . He 's a cancer . Jani : YaJanie , your Minnesota 's showing . ; ) Will & BoogieWill : You gotta " step up " the showmance with Erika . I have a theory that she never broke up with Josh . . . I think she 's just using it to create sympathy . Boogie : Since Diane left , Erika 's gotten a lot more " handsy " - she hasn 't actually touched my c - ck yet - she 's nervous to do anything on camera - but she has massaged my stomach to right above the pubic hair . Will : We have to keep Danielle thinking that Janelle hates her and Janelle that Danielle hates her - Will : We 've got to convince Dani to get rid of Marcellas . . . he 's gunning for you . 5 : 30pm BBTSTILL on LOCKDOWNJames : If the veiwers want to see us suffer , this is the show for them . This veto comp was nothing but " how can we make theposted by CarolynBBDish @ 6 : 00 PM 2 comments BackyardThe houseguests are on yet another lockdown . It appears that it will be a long one because BB has supplied a port - o - potty . And , for the third night in a row , they are eating pizza again . We are trying to make sense of the Veto Comp . From what I gather it was a competition of temptations , questions , points , and rewards . Some of the prizes were a phone call , $ 5 , 000 , a flat screen TV , and a trip . They were asked questions to earn points , and I am assuming points were taken if they wanted to bid on a reward . BB also tempted them with points to put people on slop , take away their beds , and hot water . The houseguest with the most points won the veto , which was Janelle . This is what I do know : Danielle is being put in solitary confinement for 24 hours . BB is taking every thing out of the red bedroom . The HGs will have to sleep on cots . They will be forced to take cold showers . At least 3 HGs are on slop for the remainder of the week . I will be back with more information as soon as I get it ! Here are a couple pics of the backyard , from the competition earlier . . . * * * Veto Spoiler * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Veto Comp started at 12 : 15 bbt . Of course , we had flames the entire time . When the feeds came back , and Janelle is wearing the veto ! ! ! ! ! posted by Carla @ 4 : 09 PM 4 comments I wanted to let you all know that I have not forgotten to post ! The Veto Comp is still going on and we have had flames for more than 3 1 / 2 hours now . I am hoping that with no feeds for such a long period means the Coup d ' Etat has taken place . Hmmm , just a thought ! I will post results as soon as we have them . Please check back ! Oooh , just as I went to post this . . . . we have sound but no feeds . . . . . stay tuned ! ! At 10 : 00 am BB announces to the houseguest that the Veto Comp will begin in 2 hours . Most of the HGs are still sleeping except for Danielle and Erika . Danielle is filling Erika in on the converstation she had with Kaysar late last nite . . . Dani : I told Kayser to start playing for himself and not Janie . I was preaching to Kay . Erika : Be very careful of James he goes back and forth . Dani : Kay is mad at Janie for not putting up Will and Boogie . Today will be very interesting . Marci wants Kay gone ! I think I got to Kayser . He was a little more happier after our talk . Be a man or be a woman and just say it . * * * Where did Dani learn English ? Erika : One of them has to go this week or they will pick us all off . Sorry guys , why do we have to feel like we have to explain ourselves ? ? ? If one of us leaves at least we broke up the sea6 . * * * Yea , Erika , you have done soooo much . Please ! Dani : If you want to come after me you better have an army to back me out that door . I am here to play this game . * * * Dani , I think the power of HoH has gone to your head ! You were not such a bad ass a few days ago ! Erika : I will never forget this comp as long as i live . . . lol . I can 't wait to watch the episode . ( she said they get to watch it on sunday ? ! ) I will be posting all day . Keep checking back for results ! The house is about to erupt . S6 hates just about everybody , with good reason , and since they 're out of power for the week , they 're up , and all the former kiss - asses are strutting around and kissing danielle 's ass instead . Janie and Howie were up till around 6am . . . Perhaps not the best idea for someone playing in a veto comp , but there it is . As long as James , Dani or Marcellas don 't win the veto , I 'm betting Janie comes off the block . And then there 's the whole Coup d ' Etat to take into consideration . . . I just hope Kaysar or Janie wins it , and puts up Dani and Marcellas . . . both of whom have very short memories as to why they 're even in the house now . I wonder if it 'll be a completely separate comp , or if it will be somehow tied into the Veto Comp today . . . Also , we can 't forget James has that nullify a vote card . . . Wow , what a night last night was ! Nomination ceremony , followed by a late night choosing of the veto partners ( Danielle , James , Janelle , Will , Mike Boogie , and Marcellas - chosen by Janelle ) , and then long conversations late into the night . Carla covered all the goodies last night , so those posts already exist . Yayyyy , Carla ! While I get my thoughts together , here 's a snippet from Amy 's blog . . . Queen Amy " Well well well … . I should have known when I was interviewed for the Big Brother segment that it would turn out the way that it has . ALL of the questions I was asked by the interviewer were about Janelle and Marcellas , AND the interviewer ASKED me if I thought Janelle looked like a transvestite . Granted I haven 't thought of that in a long while , but when the pictures of the season 6 HG 's were first posted on cbs . com , my friend Michael and I DID think that she was a transvestite and that it was a twist in the game ! Anyway , I just answered their questions honestly … like they asked me to do . Also … the comments that I made were rather edited … example : I called James shady - not Marcellas . Also , I said that Janelle couldn 't hold a candle to me when it came to Marcellas and I being FUNNY . That was edited to say " inner beauty " . I 'm not denying that I said mean stuff about Janelle , because I did . I said some pretty mean stuff about Will too , it just didn 't make the show . The regular Big Brother viewers should by now be completely aware of the role that editing plays in the show . And let me add that my interview was done at 12 : 30 on a Sunday , so I was NOT drinking . The wine that I was holding was of course Big Brother 's idea . Up until now , I have been a regular poster on Jokersupdates . com . I did chats with them , and even did a chat one night when Kaysar failed to show up . I really liked that website , and everyone there has always been nice to me … up until now . I have to say that if these people at reality websites expect people who are actually ON the shows to post and chat there , they should try be the lposted by CarolynBBDish @ 8 : 02 AM 2 comments At 10 : 15pm - Danielle was called in the DR . She said that there will be an annoucement in a few minutes . As soon as our attention is peaked . . . . . * * * FLAMES ! Feeds returned about 15 minutes later . Kaysar and Erika are in the backyard discussing the HoH competition . Erika says she wanted to be sure she was safe before she dropped out . She explains Dani wanted it and after being on the block , she wasn 't sure if she could trust Howie . And . . . * * * FLAMES AGAIN ! Ten minutes later , feeds return again . The houseguests are sitting in the living room . It appears they have had an official meeting and drawn Veto players . I am not clear who all was picked . I did hear Janelle say she got a HG choice , but I do not think she has picked yet . From what I can hear it sounds like ( other than Dani , Janelle , and James ) Boogie and Will are playing . Cut to HoH - Danielle and MarcellasThey were discussing how well Janelle was liked last year . Danielle says she loves this show because you can 't fake it on live feeds and the internet people see them raw . Then , the talk turns to veto . Dani : I will put Will up if Boogie uses veto . It doesn 't bother me if I go up next week . Cut to Bug Room - James and BoogieThey are discussing POV and whether or not Will or Boogie will use it . James : I want you to use it because that is the only way I will feel safe . . . off the block . Boogie : Lets see who wins veto and then decide . No mention as to when the Veto Comp will be played . At first , it seemed like it could be tonight . Stay tuned and I will post as soon as I know . * * * Nomination Spoiler * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Danielle stayed true to her word and nominated Janelle and James . Once feeds came back on , all of season 6 were in the bug room discussing the nominations . James is acting as though he is really shocked by Dani 's noms . * * * James , you know Dani told you want the plan was ! To get out their frustrations , the 4 have a pillow fight . Poor Kaysar was getting the worst of it but it was all in fun . They were laughing and having a great time . Howie apologizes again for not winning HOH . James : Sarah is going to flip her sh * t . Howie : Will has been nominated 5 times and never voted out . . . we have to figure this out . James said he was going upstairs to talk to Danielle . Kayser : If you are angry . . . dont go talk . He decided to not go . Will , Boogie , Erika , James - BathroomJames is taking a shower and Erika is standing in the bathroom with Will . Boogie enters . . . Needing privacy , Will and Boogie head into the toilet stall together . Will says he knows Danielle is putting Janelle and James up . Will tells Boogie that he wants to flip the vote and keep Janelle in the game . He wants Janelle in the game to take out Danielle later . * * * OMG ! Can this be true ? Janie could be saved ! ! ! Meanwhile , another lockdown . I will let you know when it is over and who has been nominated . While we wait for Lockdown to be over - since we know there 's no strategy talk happening when they 're all together ! - check out this cool new site I just found . : ) New to me anyhow . . . but hey , I only found myspace few months ago . Buy and sell your DVDs today . Click here for a FREE DVDEven cooler , they don 't require your credit card info to get started , and you get a free dvd . Sweet . * Even if you 've read this entry , scroll down a bit . . there 's more now . HOH ROOM - Dani & KaysarNOW - 1 : 05pm - 1 : 15pm BBTDani and Kaysar are discussing nominations . Dani says she wants to Kaysar to give her options . . . Kaysar : I think last week 's move with Janelle , was more about her problem with Diane than anything . I didn 't know that Erika was going up . Erika was a decoy . If something happened , then Chilltown would go up . Dani : I didn 't understand your noms either . Kaysar : We had to do what we had to do at the time . . . there was no deal . Kaysar : I felt good , but there was a problem with Diane . I can 't tell you about what so and so did . I can only tell what I thought . I say things along the way and whatever happens , happens . Kaysar : The thing is , it 's 4 people and everyone 's doing their own thing . Kaysar : I myself would rather keep things together . . . . so we 're not like 4 people doing things . At the end of the day , it is what it is . We protect each other . Dani : People from your alliance were upset . Kaysar : I realized last week that it 's not about going after the big target . I thought Erika and Marci were cool , and George was nothing . Chilltown were doing their thing , but I had to test the waters and see what would happen . Not at any point were the floaters an issue . We held our own , and with 5 right before sequester , we 're gonna have all guns blazing , because no one leaves that house . Kaysar : We didn 't make it a point to go after these people , but at a certain point , we had to . FLAMES . Approximately 30 minutes later . . . We rejoin Kaysar and Dani . . . Dani : I just want to reassure you that I never tell anyone what we talk about . I don 't wanna live in fear . I try to give people the benefit of the doubt , but I have to protect myself . I expect you to be honest with me all the time . Kaysar : I have been honest , but it 's like you 're drawing the line , and we 're behind enemy lines . I want confrontation . Dani : Everything I do is business and is strategic . Kaysar : I know . Dani : This is not a pretty game , but it can be respectful . I don 't have to be anposted by CarolynBBDish @ 1 : 17 PM 2 comments 1 : 00pm BBTHOH ROOM - Danielle & KaysarKaysar 's not smiling . Dani : I don 't understand yours or Janelle 's nominations . Dani : Did you or Janelle have a deal with Chilltown ? Kaysar : No , there was no deal . We couldn 't trust them . Kaysar : Chilltown was a threat week 1 , maybe week 2 , but come week 3 they weren 't doing anything , and there were other people who were more important . There we no deals . Dani : I 'm only questioning your decisions . . . I feel like you 're being straight with me now . Dani : Diane said she was going after Chilltown . 2 : 45AM BBTHoH ROOM - Dani , James and Will . James : . . . Now that we are in a real alliance . . . Will : If anything goes wrong , I really dont mind taking the hit and going home . Will talks about splitting the money . James : We have to hurry up , I don 't want to be up here too long with the two of you . . . for appearances sake . Dani : So the plan is to put up Janelle and James , because Janelle is a badass when it comes to competitions , but James is the veto king . Dani : Go ahead and take yourself off if you win it , I don 't mind . Dani : Boogie , Erika , Marci , George , and now Will have all said yes ( to voting Janie out ) , so thats 5 votes . FLAMESWill : James , why don 't you lead a discussion and say that you will volunteer to go up as part of their alliance , and then have them fighting with themselves . Dani : They know I don 't roll that way , so that wouldn 't work . James : I would be the first one that season 6 would cut loose . Dani : Do you think it 's too much of a risk ? James : Right now I do , but let me sleep on it . Will : You have the votes . . . You did it for me , I will do it for you . James : I 'll do it . James leaves . Will : It 's an easy sell . . . Janelle and James are the two best players from season 6 , no offense to Kaysar or Howie . Will : Who will you put up if Janelle wins veto ? It has to be Kaysar , because I promised Howie during the HOH comp today . Will : This is good . . . It makes James show that he is really in with this alliance . Will : I make no secrets that Boogie is my top priority , then you , then James . Hopefully all of us can leave happy . I know we 're going to be given a talk soon to tell us we can 't split the money , but we can do whatever we want to with the money once we 're out of the house . Dani : I just need to know that I really have you . Will promises . Will : I 'm really going to try to win HOH next week . . . If I dont , then the following week . It will be perfect , because then I can tell Howie and Kaysar that they haven 't been nominated yet , and I can tell Marci that I was going to put him up , but Howie and Kaysar are closer . Dani : I want Marci out befoposted by CarolynBBDish @ 12 : 12 PM 0 comments 2 : 20am BBTUpstairs Hallway - Janie and MarciJanie : Do you know what Dani 's going to do ? Marci : I don 't know where she 's going , but I 'll be interested to find out . Marci : Dani wont move against the four . . . I feel like she is down to just a couple of places she could do , either Chicken George or Chilltown . Janie : Dani already talked to Chicken George . Marci : Did she ? What did she say ? Janie : I don 't know , but I 'm assuming it went well . Marci : How does Chicken George keep getting free weeks ? Janie : Do you know where Dani is ? Marci : She 's in the DR . Marci : ( hollers down to Kaysar ) Did you or did you not hear us ask you to bring up the Honeycombs and soy milk ? Chicken George : I 'll bring it up . Marci : Have you done anything to Dani ? Janie : I nominated Dani the first week . FLAMES 2 : 00am BBTRED ROOM - Boogie & ErikaBoogie and Erika are whispering . . . Erika : I talked to Will in the bathroom and asked him when he is going to bring it , and he said " when I have to " . It pisses me off that he is relying on you and me to do all the work . Erika : Will isn 't winning the game , right ? Boogie : No , not a chance . The only thing that concerns me is that once it gets closer to the end , someone might try to take Will thinking that noone will give him the money . Boogie : As the weeks progress , people are seeing us as a threat , and Will . . . That 's what you 're here for , to keep me safe . Erika : You 're really good at competitions . Howie enters the Red Room . Howie : We gotta showmance . . . Erika : more what you 'd call a sleepmance . Will enters the Red Room . Boogie : We have a little problem we need to talk about . Will : Everyone has talked to me already about taking money to put the house on slop , and I 've already said I wouldn 't do it unless I was offered 50 grand . Will : What 's your price , Boogie ? Boogie : 5k . Erika : Boogie ! Boogie : ( laughing ) I 'm kidding . Howie gets into bed , and Will leaves . Howie , Erika and Boogie discuss the HOH comp . 1 : 40am BBTHOH ROOM - Dani and MarciDani : I 'm not putting you up , and I 'm not backdooring you . I just want you to know that right up front . Dani : Janelle took out Nakomis and she took out Jase . . . She took out all these people who she told were safe , and I am not playing that way . Dani : I have a plan , and it makes perfect sense . Wait until the nomination ceremony , you will see . . . but even if Janie wins veto , I am not putting you up . Marci : What about Kaysar ? Dani : I 'm not worried about him . . . I 'm not worried about any of them . Marci : I want to see all of season 6 go one right after another . Marci : Anything anyone tells me stays with me . . . . If someone comes back and says that " Marci said whatever , " they are either delusional or a liar , take your pick . Dani : I 'm sure " they " ( S6 ) are itching to talk to me . Marci : You are so far off my radar . Dani : I was just making sure . Marci : After we had our conversation , I took it for what it was . Dani : I told James that noone in his group is safe , including him . James asked me if he should try to secure himself votes , and I told him that he should do what is best for himself . Marci : I already told James that he would have my vote . * * * I 'm doing my best to not curse up a blue streak at Marci . Dani : Diane only wanted to make it to sequester , that was all , and she said that she would put up Will and Boogie . I know that Diane would have done it , too . Marci agrees . Marci : Diane could not win a competition to save her life . . . Janelle didn 't have to do that to her . * * * Really , what alternate universe are these 2 living in ? Diane talked non - stop about getting rid of Janie . Marci : Janelle told so many stories about her ex - roommates stealing her boyfriends and doing her wrong , but here she took the word of Diane 's ex - roommate ? Marci : If anything , by keeping Diane , Janie would have had a vote for herself , because Diane would have preferred to keep all girls . Dani : Nakomis was the same way . Marci : Season 6 is freaked . Dani : I kept saying when are the 4 of them , excuse me , the 3 of them , going to start playing for posted by CarolynBBDish @ 10 : 36 AM 3 comments 1 : 30AM BBTHOH ROOM - Dani and ErikaDani : I want James to feel comfortable enough that if he wins the veto , he wont feel like he has to use it , but that I wouldn 't care if he did . Erika : Who would go up then , Howie ? Dani : I guess so . * * * Lie # ? Dani told James she would put Kaysar up . Whether Dani 's lying to Erika or James is unclear though . . . but definitely to one of them . Dani : I think that Janie thinks that she took out my alliance . I 'm pretty sure she thought I was alligned with Jase , Allison and Diane . . . Dani : I think that is why Janie thinks I 'm weak . Janelle could have had an easy week last week , but she got greedy . I want her GONE . Dani : Janie threw James under the bus . . . she threw Kaysar under the bus . When you have an alliance , you don 't trash the alliance . James , Howie and Kaysar were all on the same page , and Janie was a wild card . Dani : I know that you and I are Janie 's targets . She 's scared to death of us . Erika : Kaysar tanked the HOH comp . I was watching everyone . Marci could have stayed up there . I think George could have stayed up there too . Erika : As long as James is comfortable . It 's a good plan . They high five . Erika : You did good . Dani : I trust Kaysar . . . I know he 'll be honest with me . Dani : You should have seen me in the Diary Room ! I was PMSing , Aunt Flow came to visit . . . I was in there calling Janie a bitch . Now I wish I hadnt , but I did . They discuss S6 being " all about winning competitions . " Erika : They don 't understand the game . Dani : They 're rookies . Dani : What exactly was the deal between me and Howie ? . . . about not putting Howie up ? I don 't want to be one to reneg on my deals . . . I 'm going to have to make sure that Howie is safe , since I told him I wouldn 't put him up . Erika : Then you would have to put Kaysar up . . . as much as I love him , I know that 's what you have to do . It 's the smart thing to do . . . Kaysar will have to go sometime . * * * OMG ! OMG OMG OMG ! Erika , you backstabbing biatch ! Both of you ! ! S6 saved BOTH of you . 1 : 10am BBTHOH Room - Erika and DaniDani : Would you be okay with it if I picked Boogie to play for veto with me ? Erika : Not a problem . Boogie has the eye of the tiger . Dani : My thing is I just want to make sure that Janelle stays up on the block . I don 't like backdooring people , and if Janelle is up there and wins veto , then she will have earned it , but I want to do everything I can to keep her on the block . Dani : I thought of putting Marci up , but I don 't want to do that , because I think he is going to win HOH next week , and if I put him up , even if he is not the target , I know he will put me up next week . And I am NOT putting up Chicken George . * * * of course not . . . he 's her first guaranteed vote for the win . Chatter about Marci not wanting to give up the slop pass , saying , " Everyone else agreed on it , but I didn 't . " Dani : All I could think was , now this is the Marci I remember . Erika : It was just so mean that he didn 't want to give it to him . Dani : I have 5 votes to get Janie out . Marci told me that if Janie was up there , he would vote against her , and I want him to . Dani : I would have the votes to keep James and get Janie out even without Marci 's vote , but to me , the proof is in the pudding , and I want to see that he will vote against her . Dani : ( rehashing - quoting Janie ) " BB will bring someone back to be an advantage for the weak players like you . " Dani : I was so mad ! Janelle doesn 't know me . Erika : Apparently , she didn 't watch the season 3 dvd . Dani : I didn 't win a lot of competitions on season 3 , because I didnt have to . . . Season 6 sees strength only in terms of winning competitions . 1 : 10am BBTHOH Room - Erika and DaniDani : Would you be okay with it if I picked Boogie to play for veto with me ? Erika : Not a problem . Boogie has the eye of the tiger . Dani : My thing is I just want to make sure that Janelle stays up on the block . I don 't like backdooring people , and if Janelle is up there and wins veto , then she will have earned it , but I want to do everything I can to keep her on the block . Dani : I thought of putting Marci up , but I don 't want to do that , because I think he is going to win HOH next week , and if I put him up , even if he is not the target , I know he will put me up next week . And I am NOT putting up Chicken George . * * * of course not . . . he 's her first guaranteed vote for the win . Chatter about Marci not wanting to give up the slop pass , saying , " Everyone else agreed on it , but I didn 't . " Dani : All I could think was , now this is the Marci I remember . Erika : It was just so mean that he didn 't want to give it to him . Dani : I have 5 votes to get Janie out . Marci told me that if Janie was up there , he would vote against her , and I want him to . Dani : I would have the votes to keep James and get Janie out even without Marci 's vote , but to me , the proof is in the pudding , and I want to see that he will vote against her . Dani : ( rehashing - quoting Janie ) " BB will bring someone back to be an advantage for the weak players like you . " Dani : I was so mad ! Janelle doesn 't know me . Erika : Apparently , she didn 't watch the season 3 dvd . Dani : I didn 't win a lot of competitions on season 3 , because I didnt have to . . . Season 6 sees strength only in terms of winning competitions . And the solo visits to HoH begin . . . We had flames for a few minutes , so I didn 't actually see Howie leave the HoH bathroom , but he 's outta there . 1 : 10am HOH ROOM - George and DaniGeorge : I really don 't think that I can make it to the end . The slop is killing me . . . If you just get me to sequester , you will have my vote . * * * Oh Georgie , you are so NOT in danger this week ! Why make such a promise ? ! Dani : You can make it . George : I 'm being straight up with you . . . I was beat up tonight during that HOH comp . . . I just really don 't think I can compete against these people . I will give you everything I 've got . Dani : I know you will . . . and you have . George : I wont betray you . Dani : Thank you , George . I know you wont . George : I just want you to know that if you go the distance , and I 'm on the jury , you have my vote . * * * more unnecessary grovelling follows . . . no need for repetition HOH ROOM - Dani , Marci , Janie , Kaysar , James - Erika has gone to DR1 : 00am BBTKaysar : Thank God this room is normal now . Janelle : Shut up . Dani : I 'm going to listen to some tunes now . James : Is that our cue to leave ? Everyone says goodnight and leaves . . . except James . Dani : ( whispers to James ) Wait . . . Howie is still in the bathroom . James : ( whispering ) They think that Janelle is going to be put up . Dani : I have an idea that I don 't think you 're going to like . I want to put you up against Janelle . You have the votes to stay . James : I could go home . Dani : You wont go home . I know it is risky , but I also know that you would have the votes to stay . Dani : How would Kaysar and Howie would vote if you were against Janelle ? James : I think they would vote for Janie to stay because they trust her more . * * * Seriously James , can you blame them ? ? Dani : What if I talk to Kaysar and secure his vote for you to stay ? * * * lmaoJames : The whole plan worries me . What if Janie wins veto ? Dani : Then I would put Kaysar up . James : So much stuff happens in the house . Dani : i just know that you would be safe . . . I just know it . James : There is always a possibility that the nominees would have the opportunity to pick who they want to compete for veto with them , and I could compete for Janie and win it and then not use it . James : I have no problem lying to her . Dani : Are you you could get Janelle to pick you to compete for her ? James : I think so . Dani : I pitched this idea to George , Erika , Boogie and Marci , and all of them said that you would be safe . Dani : What if I don 't put Janelle up , and Janelle competes in the PoV and wins it , what then ? James : She is not the same person she was last year . She is a fat piece of shit this year . James : Talk to the other people . Dani : i already have , and they are all fine with it . . . and this way noone will think we are as close as we are . Otherwise , I will have to put one of the other people up , and have you give them your pass . Would you be comfortable with that ? James : F - ck yeah . Dani : All you need is four votes . James : I would only need posted by CarolynBBDish @ 8 : 12 AM 2 comments I just wanna do a quick little shout - out to all our myspace friends , and the folks finding us because of someone 's posts on jokers , some mommy forum , the arena football forum , the article on laist and everyone who 's finding us for the first time . : ) Welcome Back ! We missed you ! ! ! And to whoever 's posting about bb7dish on their forums . . . thank you ! ! ! lol , I really wasn 't expecting that ! But it 's fun to see it in my site meter stats . . . OK . . back to work I go . Midnight BBTHoH ROOM - Danielle , James , Kaysar . Janie , George , BB : Janelle , Please come to the Diary room . Janie leaves the HoH in Kaysar and James ' capable hands . Dani : ( to James ) All of the men in the house should get their women a tacky cheap robe . Chadwicks , cheapest catalog ever , $ 19 . 99 . James : I could sew your robe for you . Dani : No , noone is going to sew it . Kaysar : We would have to wait 10 years before getting an old robe like that for our girlfriends / wives , because if we bought one for them at the beginning of the relationship , they would leave us for sure . James : What are you doing , Chicken George ? George : Just looking at all this food . The conversation shifts to Dani 's personal life , being a teen mom , her mom having been a teen mom , etc . Dani : I was a good mom even though I was young . I went to high school , did my thing , interviewed the babysitter , did what I had to do . Dani : Amazing , huh ? Kaysar : Yeah , it is amazing . You just stepped up to the plate . Dani : My friends would tell me they were going to the mall , and I would be like ' you got a carseat ? ' Chatter . . . James : My sister had her first child while she was still in college . Now she 's on baby number three , and her husband is going to Iraq soon . Kaysar : What did it feel like back when you got pregnant with your first baby as a teen ? Dani dodges the question and instead talks about how it affected her husband . . . Dani : . . . He worked jobs he hated , but he had to do it to take care of the family . Kaysar : How old were you when you got married ? Dani : I was 20 . I never finished college , unfortunately . Erika returns to HOH . Dani : My mom didn 't finish getting her degree until she was in her 30s . Marci returns to HOH . Dani : I get weirded out sleeping by myself . . . I might give up my HOH bed to someone else . . . . George would be floating in the green cloud by himself . Marci : I left my soap up here when Janie was HOH , and BB took it . Kaysar : It 's in the Storage Room . Marci is appeased . Conversation shifts to game . . . They are discussing the upcoming week . Apparently BB has told them there wilposted by CarolynBBDish @ 7 : 21 AM 0 comments This is when I went to bed , so this is where we begin . . . 11 : 45pm BBTHoH ROOM - Danielle , Janelle , Boogie , Erika , KaysarBoogie : Where did the pictures come from ? Dani : I sent some of them , and my parents must have sent some , because I didn 't have them . Dani is very pleased with herself . She 's surveying her domain with a glass of red wine in hand and an unstoppable grin on her face . Dani : The chairs are nice . . . I like them . Are they new chairs or the same ones ? Erika : These are new . Boogie : ( to Janie ) Where are you going to be sleeping ? Janie : The red room , if that 's okay . * * * ok , if boogie 's question wasn 't sad enough , Janie 's almost shy response certainly is . . The tides have shifted . No question about it . Better start getting some good rest now Janie . Boogie : You can sleep wherever you want , I 'm good with whatever . Boogie hugs Dani goodnight and leaves the room . Dani : Are we going to hang out in my HOH room ? Erika : We might as well . . . Where else are we gonna hang ? * * * ok , so is the floater alliance official now , or what ? atleast janie was able to dwindle their numbers down by one more before this happened . George returns to HoH from a brief stint in the kitchen - * * * Incase you didn 't know , after a bit of coaxing from the masses , Marcellas graciously gave George his Slop Free pass , so George is off slop , and in heaven , for a week . The noises he was making last night during his first couple pieces of pizza were completely cracking me up - " Oooh . . Oh yeah . . Oh God , that 's so good . " I 'll have to see about getting the video clip for you . George sees the key with Dani 's name on it and asks her about it . She explains to George that it was the one key with her name on it , at the end of her season , the vote cast by Jason . Dani continues sharing her wine with Janelle . Medicating her before she drops the axe ? Here 's the letter from home . Danielle read it to the whole house , so I thought you might want to see it as well . The indented bits are Dani 's comments whilst reading the letter aloud to the HGs . " Hi Dani , Well here we are again , its almost unbelievable you are in the Big Brother house . The first time you were in the house was a chance of a lifetime , and your father just said yesterday you just have been given another chance of a lifetime . Well , I sent you this horrible fashion statement . the pink robe you guys , its hideous , I know , and let me put it on because you guys have no idea how gorgeous I am in this thing , it has like stains and stuff on it , anyway . . . it saysPlease forgive her America and houseguests . Also , the stuffed animal is wanna - be Bubba , which is like my dogso his name is WB . The rest of the family is doing fine . Daddy hasn 't made up any new words since you 've gone , but I 'm sure to keep a list of them and so that I can share them with you when you return home . My dad makes up words , its crazy , anyway . . . Dani , I was also given a chance of a lifetime some years back , I think it 's time to share it with you now . So you see , I was about to become a mother for the first time and I was quite scared and concerned about the future . The most important thing was that I wanted to give this baby was love and everything that I could that would help it become the best person it could become . I wondered if I was going to have a son or a daughter . I wondered if my baby would be tall and strong if it was a boy or delicate and prissy if it was a girl . well , you know I 'm not prissy , but anyway . . . I was scared that the baby wouldn 't be healthy . I read everything I could get my hands on concerning new born babies , how to take care of them and what to expect as they grew . I began to search for names for boys and girls because I didnt know what I was having . The boys names were easy because if it was a baby boy , I was initially going to name him Thomas after your father and my father . because my grandfathers name is Thomas as wellTposted by CarolynBBDish @ 6 : 43 AM 1 comments Dani 's HoH room is decorated in palm trees and earth tones . Rather out of place is the fuzzy pink bathrobe , stains and all , that I expect we 'll see Dani wearing quite a bit . Her mother apologized to us all for the horror that is the bathrobe in the letter she sent Dani . The room itself is very soothing . . . which she may need if this week turns out to be as crazy as we expect . She got some very nice wine in her HoH basket which she is generously sharing with Janie and Erika . Janie 's getting a buzz . She also received HoneyCombs cereal , and Will and Howie made off with that to the kitchen pretty quick . She received a nice letter from her mother explaining how she chose the name Danielle . All the houseguests listened intently as she read . Apparently , her mom got the name from a soap opera - the character of Dani was a beautiful , self - assured attorney on the series . I hope Dani enjoys her room . . . because if my feeling is correct about the coming Coup d ' Etat , she will not be HoH long ! One thing I noticed , the houseguests stayed in Dani 's room longer than any other HoH 's . Perhaps it 's the novelty of having a non - season 6er in there , or perhaps the decor itself , but most of the HGs stayed in there for an hour before anyone started leaving . It 's now into the second hour since she got the room , and all S6 is still there , as well as Erika and Will , and more are coming back . Well , Dani 's HoH and for the past 30 minutes , she 's been discussing her options for who to nominate in the red room with Boogie , Erika , and Chicken George . Janelle is an almost certain nominee . What remains to be seen is who will go up next to her . Howie and James ' names have both been tossed around . Howie seems a bit of a surprise since she guaranteed him he was safe , but her logic , " I didn 't say I wouldn 't nominate him , did I ? So I haven 't really lied . " James is an even bigger surprise , since it has seemed that she and James have had an alliance since early on . . . Her logic for putting James up is that he wins veto comps , and he 's an even match for Janie in terms of size , height , weight and competitions . I 'm rather in disbelief that his name came up at all , but I hope this clears up any doubts for James about who his real alliance is . . . who 's been keeping him safe , regardless of who else they chose to nominate . OK . . now for Janie and the boys . She and Kaysar have been sulking in the bug room pretty much since the end of the comp . She knows she 's going up , and Kaysar believes he will too . Howie joined them - he feels safe , so not sulking , and then James joined them as well . They haven 't been strategizing much . At this point , they seem to be in a deep funk , just accepting fate , for the moment . At some point , the Sov4 have to remind Danielle that they fought for her week 1 , and they 've kept her safe ever since . If anything can save one of them from the block , I think this is it . Even then , Janie 's recent " weak player " comment is probably a lot fresher in Dani 's mind . . . . again , even more the reason to remind her why she 's still in the house at all . JANELLETHURSDAY , AUGUST 3 , 2006Hey guys ! Wow what a crazy week . I swear each week I 'm in this house it gets more and more complicated . First off . . . . . I should have just thrown the HOH competition to Marcellas . I knew I was safe with him . But it 's too difficult to throw competitions . I love to win . I felt a lot of pressure from the house this week to get rid of Chill Town . Although getting rid of Chill Town would have benefited most of the houseguests , I felt it was not a good move for me strategically . I really believe this is the best possible option for me . Diane is a really sweet girl , but getting rid of her leaves a bigger target in the game : Chill Town . I hope Diane can forgive me one day . I hope she realizes it was all just because of the game . Playing in the All - Stars game is SO much more difficult than dealing with the NerdHerd . Every week is seriously stressing me and the rest of the Sovereign 4 out . Getting yelled at by Marcellas and James was no fun either . I 've been really sad all week for nominating Diane and Erika . I hate hurting people . Again . . . . last year was so much easier . The highlight of my week was getting my pink room ! Is it not the most obnoxious girly foo foo room you 've ever seen ? ! ? I LOVE IT ! ! ! ! Marci and I call it the pink palace . Another highlight of my wild week was staying up all night with Kaysar , talking to him and working out without anyone bothering us . I missed having late night conversations with Kaysar ! He 's amazing . Ok . . . now for the shout outs ! Hello to my Mom , Dad , Nick , Travis , Angela , Ron , Grandma E . All the Pierzina family and friends who support me on the show . All the supporters out there thank you ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Naters , Beau , Jessica , Dina , Karla , Laurel , Joey & Mike . Girls at Tantra ! What 's up ! xoox Taylor , Zack , Bridget , Emurph , Dingo Hamster watch , Jayne , Cassidy , Will , Hossoc , ColleenLover , Mocha Frap . And a special shout out to Mr . Big D . Love you miss you ! XoxooxxoxooxKisses ! I noticed tonight in the chat rooms there was a bit of confussion as to the prizes and rules for the HoH competition . To clarify things , here they are verbatim : The object of Caught in a Web is to be the last person hanging . There are five golden eggs . Three contain prizes : A slop free pass good for one week and is transferrable to another HG . The power to cancel someone else 's eviction vote , good for one week . $ 10 , 000 . The other two eggs are rotten . The first five to drop off get an egg . The Rules : Go underneath the web to grab a hold with your arms and legs . Stay out of the red zone in the middle . Must grab from underneath , you can move around on the web but if any part of your body touches the mats below you will be eliminated . You have to get up on the web . Nothing can be touching the mat . How the game played out : 1st person off is : Will . He picks a rotten egg . First rule change : The Houseguests must now have their bodies below the rope and may onlyhang onto the rope with their arms and legs . 2nd person off is : James . He picks the egg containing power to cancel someone 's evection vote . 3rd person off is : Boogie . His egg contains $ 10 , 000 . 4th person off is : Kaysar . His choice was the second rotten egg . 5th person off is : Marcellas . Picked the egg with the slop free pass . 6th person off is : George . 7th person off is : Howie . 8th person off is : Erika . Danielle wins HoH . Julie also announced there will be a Coup d ' Etat - you can overthrow the HoH at a moment 's notice . ( This however was not one of the prizes in the eggs . ) We will post as soon as we have more information . The endurance comp is in full swing . . . they 've been up there about 20 minutes now , and Will is making a nuisance of himself ( shocking , right ? ) and already asking for Pizza . If you haven 't taken advantage of the 2 weeks free of live feeds yet , tonight would be a great night to gettem ! We 'll be posting all night long . . . or until the game ends . : ) At 6 : 15 BBTime , Will removed himself from the web , ostensibly falling . . . He 's now gone to choose his egg . And . . . He got a rotten one ! No extra gift for him . Before Will made his choice , the HGs agree that whoever gets the week off slop is giving it to George . : ) Update : 7 : 15BBT Everyone 's still up in the web , except Will and Janelle , who can 't compete for the coming HoH . They tried to get BB to go out for Thai for them . . . BB didn 't bite . OK . . West Coast folks . . . here ya go . . . Diane has been evicted by a 7 - 1 vote . Can you guess who the 1 was ? Ya ' , you got it . . . Will . 2 : 20pmAround the house . . . KITCHEN - George and DianeHe 's trying to make something edible with the limited options he has . . . Diane 's trying to see where he stands . . . BUG ROOM - James and KaysarMostly silent , laying there in a funk . James fuming . . . Kaysar looks like he 's quietly trying to figure out how to patch things up . . . OUTSIDE COUCHES - Marci , Boogie , Will , Erika , DaniPlaying the movie reference gameJanelle ? Howie ? Whereabouts unknown . . . No camera on either of them for a while now . 12 : 30pm BBTWORKOUT ROOM - James & KaysarJames : If Janie doesn 't put up Will , she has something going with Will or Chilltown . . . there 's no other rational explanation for it . James leaves . CUT TO : BACKYARD - Dani and MarciMarci : Janie is not putting up Will . It will be Diane , George or you . CUT TO : BATHROOM - Kaysar and ErikaKaysar : ( whispering ) . . . I can 't get a straight answer out of her . Erika : My tummy hurts . Kaysar : That 's because you 've gone from a size zero to a size negative . Erika - I know . CUT TO : BACKYARD - big groupHowie : I have a woody . Marci : Oh my sweet jesus . Dani : I 've got to get out of here . Chatter . . . Marci : James is the smartest member of that team . Dani : Always has been . Marci : He will be the first member of that team to go , and he knows it . BB : Houseguests this is a lock down . Please go outside , and close the sliding glass door . Noon - BBTimeHOH ROOM - Janelle & KaysarKaysar : Marcellas is a leak . He has to be voted out . We got our backdoor open because of him . Janie : I will not tell him anything further . Kaysar : He 's screwing everything up . He talks about normal things . . . and then he accidently spills information . He has a big mouth . Janie : I 've been getting bloody noses regularly . I wont tell him anymore stuff . . . just girl stuff . Janie : Kaysar , on a scale 1 to 10 , how bad are my nominations ? Kaysar : I 'll let you know next week after it happens . With Will , we can predict what 's going to happen . It 's gonna leave people scared and shocked . Putting up diane is a risky move . Janie : With James saying he wants to make a " personal decision for him , " does that mean he 's going to put up Marci ? What did will say to you ? Kaysar : Nothing , Boogie said he spoke to you , and he wants to make some sort of arrangement . . . Janie : I told them I didn 't want to make a big deal or anything , just don 't come after us . Marci thinks we both made a deal with CT . Kaysar : I 'm tired of accusations , Marcellas is infuriating me . CUT TO : RED ROOM - Diane and ErikaThey 're talking about votes . . . Diane puts on her makeup . . . Erika is lying in bed . Erika : I 'm gonna put a face on . CUT TO : HOH ROOM - Kaysar & JanieI came in in the middle . . not sure who they 're talking about . . . Marcellas , maybe ? Janie : Some of his ideas are a bit weird . Kaysar : You give him a freakin ' excuse . . . it just doens 't work , you know that , come on . Janie : I like himKay : I liked Jase , if that 's your perogative , then play on that level . Janie : I feel bad for himKay : Make it a charity case . Janie : I 'm not giving out charity . Kay : See ya down stairsJanie : See ya downstairs . Janie continues with her makeup . . . No one else comes near her until . . . BB : Janelle Please go to the diary room . * * * Please BB , let Kaysar be the last impression . MONDAY - The HGs are waking up . . . 10am BB time . . . Danielle is up and in the bathroom all other HGs are sleeping10 : 20am BBTBB : Good Morning , houseguests , the veto ceremony will begin in 2 hours . Dani 's still in the bathroom , talking to Kaysar , who is in the kitchen . And now , back to the last of the overnight reports . . . 2 : 33am BB timeBACKYARD - Dani , Erika , and MarciMarci : Janie absolutely wont go and talk to Diane . Erika : It 's probably better for me personally if Diane is up against me rather than Will . Dani : That is true . Dani : We HAVE to win the HOH this week . Marci : We can 't pull any punches , we just have to win it . I am so sad I took Boogie out ( of the HOH comp last week ) . Dani : Last week , You were acting on what Janie wanted you to see . Dani : Enough already , guys . We HAVE to win HOH . Marci : I don 't care if it 's endurance or whatever . . . . Dani : I know you are a competitor , and you will do what he have to do . I 'm not giving you a hug though , I 'll tell you that right now . Dani : Kaysar said something to me today about the Mr & Mrs Smith alliance , and they were all worried about a 2 person alliance , when they have a 4 person alliance . To the season 6ers , no alliance is okay unless it is their own . I just wish I knew what Janies beef with Diane is . Marci : There is no beef , they are just going to pick off the floaters one by one . Janie talks about one post at Jokers that supposedly was made by Diane , saying that Diane would take out Janie . Janie was talking about the phone call she got from Diane 's roommate . Dani laughs . Dani : Is Diane 's roommate crazy ? Erika : She is not crazy . . . just seeking attention . Dani : Such hipocrisy ( sp ? ) . . . the 4 have such a problem with any alliance , but yet they came into the house with a 4 person alliance . Marci : This shit is notice that they ( season 6 ) dont give a f - ck . I told Janelle to her face that she can do this , but that it sends a bad message , and Janie didnt want to hear it . Erika : What about the message that Janie sent me by nominating me this week ? That was a pretty clear message . Marci : The first thposted by CarolynBBDish @ 10 : 37 AM 4 comments Around 2 : 00am BBTimeWORKOUT ROOM - James & DanielleJames just woke up Danielle to talk strategy , and brought her to the workout room . James : How much do you trust Will and Boogie ? Danielle : I pretty much trust them . James : I wanna bring about the revolution . James : I 'm thinking maybe we should just vote out Erika , instead of Diane , just to go against what Janelle 's planning on happening . james : If Janie thought it was so cool to backdoor Jase and Diane two weeks in a row , when I win HOH next week , I 'm going to backdoor that bitch . * * * sigh . . . Mission accomplished Will , Dani . . . and you didn 't even have to win a single comp to destroy the S6 . : ( Dani : Lets do it . . . the new 4 . Can I go back to bed now ? James : Yeah , you look great , by the way . They head into the bathroom . James : So can I go up and tell them that youre voting out Diane ? Dani : Yes . James heads upstairs to HoHHOH ROOM - Janie , Howie , JamesJames : Dani doesn 't get what you 're doing , but she said she will vote Diane out . Actually , it 's about longevity , and SOMEONE is leaving this week . We don 't really have to worry about Will or Boogie anyway , especially with Boogie having a bad foot . Janie : Diane and Chicken George are the only ones in the house that dont know . James : Why don 't you go tell Diane now ? Janie : I 'm too chicken . James : Why don 't you tell Chicken George then ? Janie : I cant talk to him . Janie : Is this backdooring ? Howie : Not really , because that wasn 't the initial intent . James : I think it was the intent , but I 'm going to keep my mouth shut on that one . I just got this message from one of our myspace friends : " I am sitting here right now , trying to remember just who it is I am supposed to trust in this game ! " You and me both ! I think what it comes down to is this - no one . Ultimately , they will all play their own game , or they will leave the house . We thought that with Big Brother All Stars , we were in for a season of S6 domination . . . a season of S6 reparations . . . at least I did . Apparently , that is not to be the case . Even before Janie fell under Will 's spell , she had her alliance with Marcellas which superceded the S6 alliance . James thinks he has Danielle , who 's also working everyone else in the house - and reporting back everything James tells her to CT . . . Kaysar was building something with Erika . Howie has nothing on the side . . . He just has his " i 'm no real threat to anyone " gameplay - if it 's strategy . . . What Janie doesn 't get is Will has no allegiance to anyone but Boogie , and he has duped her . By falling into his trap , Janie is bringing down the S6 alliance , or at the very least , putting the last nails in the coffin . . . unless S6 continues to win HoH 's . . and even then , James has told Danielle that he 'll take Janie out if he wins . 1 : 45am BB time : BACKYARD - Red Couches - Janie and ErikaErika : I should have taken you out of the HOH comp , it just went so fast and I didn 't know what to do . Janie : James is PISSED . Now that I think about it , he has been pissed at me all day . He was pissed at Kaysar too though , when Kaysar nominated Nakomis and Diane . Erika : Who did James want nominated - - ChillTown ? Janie : Yes . Erika : I don 't want to go back in my room . Janie : I don 't even want to go back into the house . Erika : I don 't want to go in my room , because I feel bad for Diane . Janie : I don 't want to do the veto ceremony tomorrow . . . I already gave Will my word , and I don 't want to change it now . Erika : No , don 't change your mind now , just go with your plan . . . its already been set into motion . Janie : Do you think it 's a bad idea to get rid of Diane ? Erika : I honestly think it 's probably your best move . I don 't want to tell you how to do it , but I do think it is your best move . Janelle : This is so stressful . It is so much harder than it was with the nerd herd . With them , there was always a clear target , you just went after the next strongest each time . Erika : Don 't stress over it too much . Janie : James will get over it . we 'll see about that . . . Erika : He will . Is anyone going to tell Diane now ? Janie : Marci said to not tell her , because she would freak . Diane has to have a good idea she is not safe , doesnt she ? Erika : I think she got a good inkling of it in the veto comp when you were giving her all that stuff . ( Erika laughs ) Now , at least we will have a whole big bed to ourselves . Janie : James is so pissed . Erika : You have to do what is best for you , not James . They are getting up to go inside now . . . Erika : Don 't stress . Erika 's going back to bed . They both walk in and Erika passes the ppicture wall . . . Erika ( to Janie ) : I want my key back , ma ' am . Erika goes into the red bedroom . Erika : ( to Diane ) I was just out on the hammock farting . Oh ! I forgot my earplugs . I 'll be right back . On her way back through the house to the backyard , Erika sees Marci in the kitchen . Erika : What are you dposted by CarolynBBDish @ 9 : 30 AM 1 comments 1 : 10am BB time : HOH ROOM - Janelle , Marci , James , HowieJanelle and Marci chatting about restaurants and bars in Miami . James enters HOH . Janelle : ( to James ) I 've been thinking for a few days . . . This is what I 'm going to do . . . I 'm going to put Diane up . James : ok . Janie : It seems like you 're taking this well . * * * guess again . James : Will and Boogie were never your real targets . . . Erika and Diane were always your real targets , that 's why you didn 't want Erika or Diane to win veto . Janie : Erika was never my target . James : I 'm calling you out on your lie . Your original intentions were either to backdoor Diane , or you lied about Boogie being a nominee , because you told Howie to go after Erika and Diane in the veto comp . James : You , Howie and Kaysar promised me last week that if I put Jase out of the house , you would put Will and Boogie up this week . Boogie and Will were never her intentions this week . Janelle denies this . Janelle : I nominated Boogie , he just came off the block . James : You let him win the veto by not targeting him . Janelle : I didn 't let him win it , I was trying to win it myself . James : Then why did they go after Howie and not you ? Janelle : Probably because I looked at him ( Boogie ) like I was going to kill him when he was going to put the worms on me . Howie backs that statement up . James : I asked Boogie , and thats not what he told me . Janie : What did he tell you ? James : No , thats fine . . . this is your HOH , you do what you have to do . James : Janelle , I 'm not making any promises to you if you 're going to sit here and lie right to my face . James : I don 't understand how Will and Boogie have been saying all this time that they are going after you , and now they 're not a threat to you ? James : You 're making me look like a liar , because you told me to tell Diane that if she wasnt coming after us , she would be safe . Janelle : Diane is going to come after me . James : That 's fine . . . I was safe with Jase . . . Jase said he was going to come after you , not me , but I put him out last week even though Jase wasnt a threat to ME , because everyone told meposted by CarolynBBDish @ 9 : 02 AM 6 comments 12 : 30am BBTHOH ROOM - Janelle & MarcellasDiscussion regarding the Veto . . . Janelle : I have to think about what would be the best thing for me . I just feel like Diane might come back to bite me in the ass . Marci : I don 't think it 's the best idea . Are you not worried at all that Erika might go ? Janelle : No , I 'm not . I have enough votes to make sure that Erika stays . I told Erika that I would make sure I had the votes before I did it . Marci : Why do you think Diane is a bigger threat to you than Will or Boogie ? * * * Yes , Janelle , please do enlighten us all . Janelle : I just feel like Diane is going to come after me . I just know it . Marci : I don 't believe she would . Marci : Do you not feel at all that the girls should stick toghether ? * * * Thank you , Marci ! Janelle : I want to stick together with Danielle and Erika . I know them better anyway . * * * Janie , Janie , Janie . . . Marci : Do you have a deal with Chilltown ? You are the only one in the house that I have a deal with , and I am not making any decisions that will not benefit you . Janelle : No , the only deal I made with them was that they would vote out whoever I want ( in exchange for not putting Will up ) . Erika enters HoH . CUT TO : Will & Boogie , DownstairsWill 's telling Boogie what he told Janie and Danielle . . . Will : I told Dani what weare doing . . . and I told her that Janie is going to take Diane out , and Dani said that 's what we want . Will : I have a few concerns : Janie might be running the strongest game ever and just screwing us , other people might sway Janie from the plan tonight , and the third thing - unintelligible - sorry . Boogie : I think Kaysar is on board with us . James is definitely more threatened by you . Janie really should take Danielle out this week . * * * There I go agreeing with Boogie again . . . This is becoming an awful habit . CUT TO : HOH ROOM - Janelle , Marci and ErikaJanelle : I think Diane is really nice , but she said things before we even came in the house . . . that she was going to take me out . Janelle : Right , Erika ? Erika : Diane has never said to me that she wanted to put you out . Marci : Diposted by CarolynBBDish @ 7 : 48 AM 0 comments This is the first of the overnight reports for Sunday night . . . Please keep checking back for more . . . 11 : 30pm BBTHOH ROOM - Janelle and HowieJanelle : James is not going to be happy about it , but I 'm just going to put my foot down . Howie : I 'm gonna to eat a bunch of pasta Thursday night so I 'll be prepared for the HOH comp . Janelle : If noone is coming back , it will be an endurance . If someone is coming back , it wont be . CUT TO : STORAGE ROOM - James and DanielleJames : It all sounds like it is still on track for Will to go . Do you think it would be better to keep Erika than Diane ? James , by sin of omission , Danielle 's playing you just as hard as anyone else . Will tells her what 's going on , and she 's not filling you in . Shame you can 't hear me . . . Danielle : Absolutely . . . she is a strong player and we need a strong player . James : Do you think Erika is more vengeful too ? Danielle : I do , and besides that , Erika will win stuff too , to take care of business . James : If we do it , we have to take out Janelle first , obviously , and maybe put Marcellas up against her . If Janelle keeps lying to everyone else , it 's f - cking up everything for us , and if she f - cks this up , she is putting a big target on the fours head , and that means on my head , and she is obviously working for her own agenda . * * * Again , James . . . Same thing that 's happened to Janie is now happening to you . . . you are being worked . it 's getting hard to watch this happen . Danielle : That 's fine , this is all I 've been waiting for . It 's about time . James : If not , then we just chill for a week . Danielle : Okay , I 'm just waiting for the go . They leave the Storage Room . CUT TO : BACKYARD : Will , Boogie , Marci , Danielle , Kaysar , Diane , Chicken GeorgeOn the Red Couches , talking . Will : I 'm warning you now that I am farting like a beast . I can 't wait until this live show when Chicken George dresses like a geisha . Chatter . . . Will : I 'd like to have a conversation with " them " ( BB Producers ? ) a couple of months from now and ask them what they thought were the plusses and minuses of putting me and Boogie bothposted by CarolynBBDish @ 7 : 27 AM 1 comments Good Morning , BB Fans ! Janelle fell further into Will 's web after the episode last night , promising to put up someone other than him . For that , he guaranteed her both his and Boogie 's votes and support and protection , no matter whom she chose to nominate . When Will asked Janelle who she needed kept safe next week , her order was Marcellas , Howie , Kaysar , then James . . as an afterthought . Instead of requiring their safety as a condition of compliance , she asked for it , and was told that he couldn 't keep all of them safe , and then the brush off they 'd talk about it more next week . . . But Will was sure to repeat to her that her first 2 priorities were Marcellas and Howie . . and she agreed . Not 5 minutes after assuring Janelle her safety , Will was seen whispering with Danielle that , " if you , me or Boogie wins HoH next , 2 Season 6ers are going up . " Janelle , honey , you 've been had . More than ever this week , I 'm hoping a season 6er will win HoH . . . But now I have to add to that : I 'm hoping that if / when the season 6er wins , he somehow manages to revive the alliance , and doesn 't take it further into darkness by nominating Janelle ( as James promised to do if she didn 't take out Will ) . OK . . so the best case scenario would have to be Kaysar winning HoH . I don 't believe he would nominate any S6er , and I think he would go a long way towards re - unifying the group through communication . . . I ended up going to the fire station this afternoon to have the paramedics check out my big toe - see if they thought I needed stitches , cuz it kept bleeding ( though not nearly as much ) . While I was there , I hear them asking someone I can 't see ( behind a closed door ) to spell her last name . . and it 's mine . . . My mother was there ! With chest pains . . . among other things . . . They asked if I could bring her to the hospital - Ofcourse , I could . She 's still waiting in triage , they did an EKG , and then left her " in chairs " . . . waiting . I just came home to grab something and am going back . . . So , cosmically speaking , there was a reason I cut my toe today , and a bigger reason I held off on going to see the paramedics about it . . . so i could arrive there at exactly the right time . I 'm heading back to the hospital now to see about nudging the triage nurse into some action , hang out with my mom and bring her a sweatshirt - she 's freezing . . . Prayers and good wishes are both welcome and appreciated . 2 : 20pm BBTJanie and HowieJanie : I haven 't made my decision yet . . . ( as to who she 'll put up . ) Howie : You need to do what 's best for the alliance . Janie whispers something about Will . Howie whispers back something about James . Janie : BB won 't let me back into my room . BB has a surprise for us . They wonder if it 's a movie . Howie : You could end up in the reality show hall of fame this week . I made it last year . Janie : I wish I hadn 't won this HOH . Chatter about last season . . . Howie : ( something about Janelle talking to Will in HOH . ) Janie : Yeah , thanks for not letting me talk to him . Howie : Why ? What happened ? Janelle : Nothing . I tried not to . Howie : The whole house wants Will out of here . Everyone is worried about Jase coming back , and there being 3 members of CT again . When 's the veto ceremony - tomorrow ? Janie : Yes . Howie : What are you going to do ? Janelle : I haven 't made my decision yet . Howie : You have to do what is best for the alliance to keep it rolling . Janelle : Once we get rid of Will though , the whole house is going to come after us . Howie : We have to get James into the HOH room and talk . Janie : HOH is locked , and they 're going to be calling me into the DR soon , because they have a surprise . Howie : I don 't want to get flamed on Survivor Sucks . Janie : I don 't want to either , but I think I might be for the decisions I 've made this week . The thing is , why should I just stop halfway . . . everyone is already pissed at me . Howie : What if Erika wins HOH this week , she 'll just be like " Hey , you put me up " . Janie : Thats probably what she 's doing . Howie : You should have put up him and James or something . Janie : Shut up . Oh well , its done now . Howie : No , its not , You can still redeem yourself . Janie : How ? Howie doesn 't answer . 2 : 37pm BBTBACKYARDThere is a huge rotating platform set up in the BY with a red & blue race car with " # 7 " on it . Presumably for a luxury competition tonight ! The car is spinning on a turnstyle . There are black boxes around the outside of the turnstyle . The car is red and blue , with a red 7 on the top . posted by CarolynBBDish @ 5 : 04 PM 0 comments Here 's an interesting article from an Aussie site . . . Of course , they 're talking about the Aussie and Brit versions of the show , but the same ideas apply here . . . Big Brother : pop culture in a Petri dish ? by Carolyn WebbJuly 31 , 2006 ( edited ) ABC TV host Andrew Denton dubs it a " heap of crap " . But what 's most surprising , is who 's actually loving the show . Author John Birmingham has found himself transfixed by how the show probes the grey areas of human interaction , how participants manipulate each other and how they deal with fame . Birmingham , who studied postgraduate psychology , says Big Brother is " like the most fascinating experiment I 've ever seen " . " Ethically , we weren 't allowed to do that kind of thing at university , but if we had been , it would have been enormous fun , " he says . The show has " an unusual faux - Orwellian aspect to it that is irresistible " . Two years ago , he and a friend , literary critic Peter Craven , spent two hours over dinner at a Melbourne restaurant discussing Big Brother . " That 's probably a little tragic in some ways , but we certainly didn 't discuss novels or literature or poetry ; we were totally into the TV show . " Age film critic Jim Schembri says intellectuals watch Big Brother more for what it says about pop culture than its content : " The issue of loss of privacy … the willingness of people to surrender dignity for the sake of instant and very fleeting fame on television and the culture of celebrity . " But Richard Fidler , a former satirist with Doug Anthony Allstars , and now a Brisbane - based ABC radio announcer , reckons the oldies ' interest might be more in the vein of . " Oh , so that 's what twentysomething westies are doing their hair like these days " , with a fair dollop of old - fashioned voyeurism . He says he debated the merits of Big Brother with friends in Sydney last month , who denounced it and " came down like a tonne of bricks " on him when he declared their snubbing of the show was " a kind of low - level snobbery " . Midnight BBTErika and BoogieErika goes to talk to Boogie about who he thinks the replacement noms might be . She 's nervous about who she might be against . Erika : If I win HoH , I 'm putting up Janie and Howie . Boogie listens but doesn 't give up any much information . He 's purely on info - recon . Erika goes to bed . FLAMESBACK TO : BATHROOM - BEDROOM - James and DianeJames brushes his teeth and gets ready for bed . Diane is also getting ready for bed and talks to James about sleeping arrangments . James : Why don 't you go sleep with Janie . Diane : No thank you . She also doesn 't like Howie much , and doesn 't like him sleeping in the red room . She brushes too and gets ready for bed . Diane : I 'm hungry . James : Slop is no joke . 12 : 50amRED ROOM - Howie , James , Erika , Diane , Kaysar ( on all feeds ) James : If an evicted HG comes back , I 'm throwing the hot tub over the wall . This is All Stars , no one deserves to come back . If it happens , nominate them and then tar and feather them in the veto comp . FLAMESGeorge enters . All ask " what 's up ? " George : I 'm tired , but I can 't sleep . Erika : We 're all wired . Diane : ( to George ) You 're getting so skinny it 's not funny . George : I feel a lot better . . . I have more energy . James : You should start working out more . They try to get Howie to show George some dance steps . Howie complies with strange gyrations . Diane : What the hell was that ? James : The lawmower ? Howie : It was the sprinkler . Diane : That was the sprinkler ? Chatter , Chatter . . . Howie : I 'd rather have a hot beautiful chick standing in front of me doing nothing than a fat chick moving . * * * Always the sensitive gentleman . . . Lots of chatter until . . . 1 : 46 BBTKITCHEN - James & HowieThe boys are whispering . . . Paranoia has set in with James . . . James : I bet you Janelle 's up talking about us . Howie : NO , she is sleeping . James : We can not do what we did last yearHowie : NoJames : Dude you going to eat your sandwich ? FLAMES ( fast ) James is cooking some meat now . Howie 's gone . 2 : 00am BBTBACKYARD - Danielle and Will are talking . CUT TO : KITCHEN - James and HowieThey 're whispering again . . . ( rough to posted by CarolynBBDish @ 8 : 58 AM 0 comments Thanks for making our first foray into blogworld such a success ! September 1st , we passed 100 , 000 visits to the blog - unreal . In the beginning , we were thrilled to have 150 in a day , and now we 're averaging 4 - 5 , 000 . We couldn 't have done it without all your support . : ) We 'll be here blogging till the very end , and then we 'll get started on the Survivor and TAR blogs . . . Please check the sidebar for those links . We 've had quite a few requests to put this up , and we debated it for a couple days . . . and well , here it is . It links you straight to Paypal , which is very safe . Thank you ! !

The journey we call life , , , , , , , , , , " For I know the plans I have for you , says the Lord . They are plans for good and not for evil , to give you a future and a hope . " Jeremiah 29 : 11 Some take straight , consistent roads - living in the same community for most of their life , content to work one job for years , serving Christ in one place ; personally touching generations of families they know by name . I was once of this mind set . But God had other plans . And I am thankful for the winding road . Others may travel the globe - boarding planes , buses and trolleys on a regular basis - influencing lives of countless others from various cultures and walks of life . Me ? I have yet to board an airliner . Some may move from place to place , not always stationery due to career changes , relationship status , educational endeavors or service to one 's country . Yet , they serve Christ wherever they are . I admire them a lot . Reflecting , my journey for 50 years was centered in one small town in the heartland . It was there that I spent my childhood , raised my family and became a middle aged woman . My early years were filled with fun times among friends , 4 - H Club , swimming for hours on hot summer days , piano lessons , lots of baseball games , rollerskating , and bike riding . Also , flying kites and picnic lunches , sleepovers in the backyard . ( our tent was made of quilts hung from the clothesline ! ) I loved swinging as high as possible in the best swing ever - made by my dad , it hung from a sturdy limb of a giant oak tree . Add walking to school every day - in the sun , rain or snow . No rides to school for this gal - in the long run , it made me tough . Cold temps did not detour me . Ice skating was one of my favorite winter pastimes ! I would skate until my toes were numb . Oh , it wasn 't all fun and games . I had challenges at home , chores and responsibilities . Still , my parents , along with teachers , 4 - H club leaders and later bosses at jobs planted a strong work ethic in me . As a teenager , I made the most important decision of my life . I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior and was baptized at the First Baptist Church in my hometown . It was a whole new beginning for me - my sins confessed and forgiven , I experienced a second birth and His precious Holy Spirit filled my being and dwells within me still . I thank God for those who helped me grow in the knowledge of God 's Word . The devoted followers of Jesus in that quaint church provided a strong foundation in the Word of God and helped me understand what it means to be a Christian . Many others - too numerous to mention , have shaped who I am today . People from near and far . I believe God sent each one - not any one person or experience has been an accident in my life . All the roads in my life 's journey thus far have been planned by God Himself - there is great comfort in realizing this fact . As a young mother of three , two boys and a girl , I learned more about love than probably any other time before . It was such an amazing experience raising children God had loaned to me - what an awesome opportunity and privilege . The most important job I have ever had . I loved it ! And still do . Today I am a grandmother of five with another on the way ! Thankful for each of these blessings ! My cup of tea is having them all in one place under one roof - a rarity in this day and age . Going from a town girl to a farm wife was no easy adjustment but I was more adaptable than I realized . God knew . I went through a lot of growth spurts during those years - the lifestyle so different than what I had known , Although I did not often realize it , God was always at work in me through tough times and joyful moments , shaping me , forming me . And He is not finished with me yet . And that is a good thing because I have lots of growing to do , even at 63 . And , I 'd like to finish my race strong - like Paul wrote about in his letter to the Philippians . ( see the third chapter ) During my journey thus far , He has given me plenty of opportunities to serve and develop skills and spiritual gifts . At first , I did not realize I had them . That is , until I began to use each one - gifts of teaching , leading , writing , news reporting , and composing music . As a freelance journalist , I have gotten to know so many interesting people from all walks of life and I still am ! Did I know I would do this one day ? Not really . But God did . In the past 15 or so years I have ventured away from the small town community . I enjoy going back there now and then to visit . However , I have moved to other places - a lot of transitions - but , I have had the opportunity to know so many awesome people from all walks of life and cultures . This has been such a blessing . I have had experiences that have stretched me - but God has known just how much I could stretch . At times , I have wondered ; I have doubted . There have been challenges like mountains to me . Even dark days . It was during those times that God has literally carried me , not once , but many times . I know this because I could not have done it on my own strength . I praise and thank God for always being here . It is true what He said . " Lo , I am with you always . " One of my favorite verses in the book of Matthew . My resume is diverse but as I reflect , I can see God shaping me through every path I have walked and every person in my life . I see certain themes repeated in God 's consistent work in me - I am a people person - of all ages ! When others are hurting , I have learned the hard way , that in most cases , I can pray or lend a hand but the real solution is in the hands of God . When they are happy - it is good to share in their joy ! I love creativity - perhaps a bit artsy , but more so with words and musical melodies . Music does touch the soul like nothing else - it is a universal language . So glad I took piano lessons and have had the opportunity to give them . Writing music is a wonderful gift from God ! I love teaching children and youth and making a positive difference if at all possible - no matter what the job or circumstance . But , I detest negativity and constant hints of skepticism . Unforgiving attitudes in the hearts of others is another tough one for me to handle . And yet , I sometimes have a hard time forgiving myself and others - I have to ask for God to help me . " Pedestal thinking : is another one on my list - God created us all the same , right ? We all sin , right ? But , some of us think we are much better " sinners " than others . Wrong . ( topic for another blog ) Thanks be to God , He is still helping me with those issues . Bringing a smile to someones face brings me pure joy ! I try to be sensitive to people in pain - either emotionally or spiritually . Because , I too " have been there " . God taught me this . I am adaptable - much more than I ever thought possible . God surprised me with this character trait . I can see now how He was building this particular strength in me for years . It has taken me awhile to get there . I love laughter - it is , indeed . the best medicine for the soul . God was right again ! I can be content with simple joys but also yearn for new adventures . What is around the bend ? God knows - I am usually content with that but developing that contentment is definitely a process . The power of God is amazing to me . Just one example - who would have thought a shy teenager who did not take one speech class could write and give sermons in a large church ? Not me . Yes you , God said . I give God the glory . Sincerely , it was Him working in me . The power of prayer is also astounding . I have seen and experienced it first hand and in the lives of others . I want to shout it from the rooftops . . . . " pray more ! ! ! ! " He always answers and in the final analysis , He knows what is best . But , we must remember to talk to Him often - not just when we need something . Praises are so important in the life of a prayer warrior . Then , there are still areas in my life where I am weak and need to grow and grow some more . Will I ever learn ? I 'll be doing that until I leave this earth . Isn 't it amazing that God has not given up on me ? I am still developing into the person God wants me to be , even after all these years . I have yet to realize the full extent of God 's unconditional , forgiving and steadfast love . Sometimes I have a hard time drinking this huge cup of divine love into my spirit ! Can it really be ? The diversity I have come to know in my present living situation is fascinating . The realization that everyday life here has many other colors and patterns has been good for me . God knew I needed to step out of my familar box and see another part of the world I did not realize existed . And really , in the whole scope of life , I am still at just the tip of the iceberg . Can I go back to being 25 ? I need more years ! ! ! Again , God 's timing is perfect . I only need trust Him . The winding road I have walked , with my hand in God 's , has taken me to places and experiences I could have never imagined . But God knew my journey from day one - nothing has been a surprise to Him nor will the future be . I hope this post is an encouragement to you - if you are wondering , if you are going through lots of change or unexpected change , looking into an unknown future , please know this : God is already there and He is at work in your life ! He is steadfast and unchanging - that is an awesome blessing - beyond words . Take time to count it and relax in His arms . I recalled how my mother had related to change while I was growing up . Even adding a Christmas tree to our small living room upset her - it changed her surroundings and all the commotion of decorating it was unsettling to her . I think once it was up , she enjoyed it . Maybe some of that perspective rubbed off on me as a child but as I grew into adulthood I realized that change is inevitable and a part of life . Still , I sometimes struggled with how I viewed it - especially if the change was more negative in nature . To me , positive change is much easier to accept and embrace . As a Christian , I have learned that God is in control of every change . Yet , have I really accepted that fact in my personal life ? Or do I find myself trying to take over the reins again and again ? I have been a disciple of Christ since I was 17 . Did you know that the word disciple means " to be a learner " ? Well , I am still on a learning curve and probably will be until the day I leave this earth . Hmmmm . . . . . embracing change ? Okay , I have been through some major changes especially over the last 10 years or so . My most recent ? Not being able to find full time employment since September 2011 . " But , God , this is the pits . I want to work . You 've given me skills and I want to use them to help others . And you know God , it 's just you and me together here . How am I suppose to survive ? " Please forgive me . " So many times I have went over this conversation with God about a multitude of things that make little sense to me . I find myself asking God , why ? Not only for me but for friends or family in circumstances - changes - I do not understand . Well , as you may have guessed . I picked up a copy of that book . And it has been a wonderful blessing . So what do you do with a blessing ? You share it . Thus this blog post : - ) A 30 - day read , each time I read , I learn how to embrace change , I let it sink into my heart and soul and write down my reflections at the end of every chapter . I believe with all my heart that the Holy Spirit led me to that book - I mean , there were hundreds to chose from that day . Not only that , the sermons I have been hearing at church lately are like a P . S . to the book . God has something for me to learn . One of the first things I learned is perspective is everything - the difference between night and day . I was envisioning the changes in my life as like " riding on a roller coaster " - first this way , then that , not knowing what to expect , up , down , around ; chaotic changes at best . Then I realized , now , wait a minute , who is in charge of my journey ? God is . I had to ask myself . Sometimes I forget that . " Lo , I am with you always , " He said , as recorded in the book of Matthew . My favorite verse . Yet , I had myself on a roller coaster ? Other insights I am learning about change include : ( 1 ) God does not change . He is solid , strong , like a rock . You can lean on Him , rest in Him , and know that His love is constant . ( 6 ) Life is an exercise in solving problems - that is just the way it is . There will never be a time when you don 't have some kind of problem to solve . But you are not alone . God is with you , ask for His help . There are other servants around too who can help : - ) ( 8 ) If you are in the habit of thinking negatively , ask God to help you think positively . One drains your energy , the other energizes you . Which do you think God wants for you ? ( 10 ) God is greater than we can comprehend ; take Him more seriously . He doesn 't think like us - His thoughts are much higher , deeper , broader than the human mind can understand . He can do more in our lives than we ever imagined - if we let Him . ( that 's the part I am still learning ) . " Remember , I don 't even own a place to lay my head . Foxes have dens to live in and birds have nests , but I , the Messiah have no earthly home at all . " LB Luke 9 : 58 Currently , I am in a transition of sorts where I do not have a home of my own . I am living with my daughter and her family right now . In light of my situation , I thought of Jesus when He was sent by His Father to live upon the earth . From what Scripture reveals , He probably had an earthly home with his parents Joseph and Mary as he grew up but when he began His ministry , he traveled from place to place with His disciples and as far as we can tell , had no house or dwelling He owned . I have plenty of space in the cozy loft area of my daughter 's home and a place to write . . . . . pictured here : - ) I am so thankful she and her husband and my granddaughter have opened up their dwelling place to me for awhile . They are a good example of the love of family and I am eternally grateful . ( I think more families should do this for each other - as we once did years ago in our country and some still do in other cultures . ) As I reflect upon Christ 's life on earth , there were those who opened their homes to Jesus and His followers throughout His ministry . Think how awesome that must have been . To have the very Son of God sit down for a meal with you or spend the night in your home ? Other times , His home may have been to lay underneath the very stars His Father created . In those days , that was quite common . Abit ironic , many today get away from their indoor atmospheres to go camping : - ) Jesus knew it was an awesome experience ! The Scripture I noted could also be a response from Jesus to indicate the earth was really not His home - His real home was in heaven . He was just down here visiting for awhile - about His Father 's business . He had a pretty big mission to fulfill His Father 's plan . He traveled about doing miracles , healing the sick , teaching others about God and making the ultimate sacrifice . . . . suffering and dying on a cross . That loving act saved us from our sins , proclaimed us acceptable and holy for heaven . An awesome gift beyond measure ; eternal life . That place where Jesus resides . . . . heaven . . . . is our real home as well . ( It 's cool we can still have Him present with us on earth though , through the Holy Spirit : - ) Sometimes it is hard to grasp this truth - that we , as human beings , in perishable bodies , are just passing through life on this earth - a journey that will not last forever . Our true homes are really in heaven , just like that of our Savior . It is only natural that we human beings get busy with what is going on in our lives and the world around us . I am a firm believer that He put each of us on this earth for a reason and to experience abundant life , although not without struggles and trials . But , sometimes , it literally takes the death of a loved one to wake us up to the reality that our time on this earth is fleeting and brief in comparison to eternity . Plus , we tend to feel more comfortable with the familiar - our life here on earth . We only have glimpses of what is to come . Books about near death experiences where people have actually been to heaven are popular as we seek to see into the future . I think God had a reason for not telling us all about heaven . . . . and that really is where our trust and faith in the words of Jesus come into clear focus . . . . " I go to prepare a place for you " . That is what He said . We must have faith . So I , continue on life 's path - all of which is part of God 's plan for my life . - my present circumstance is no surprise to Him ! For now , I do not have a home I own , or even a place I rent . If it is God 's will , perhaps soon , I will have one or the other . I admit , it would be nice to have a private place and I am sure my daughter will be glad to have her loft back ! Still , as I grow older , I am learning to be content with less material possessions all the time . I do not need a big house , lots of space or material possessions . The only reason I would desire more space is so my children and grandchildren or family and friends could come stay with me and we 'd all be together in one place : - ) If God grants me this blessing , I will certainly rejoice . But if not , that 's okay too . In the final analysis , the world kind of , well , seriously , has it backwards . What we own , our material possessions or what kind of house we live in - whether a tent , mansion or in between . . . . . is not what is the most important . It was not to Jesus . What was important to Him was doing the will of His Father . . . . . . as we celebrate Easter this Sunday , let us remember His Words , " It is finished . " And rejoice that He did return to His real home - an eternal home that we can only begin to imagine and will be ours too if we confess our sins and believe in Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior ! ( c ) Carole S . Amateis 2013 " You are the world 's seasoning , to make it tolerable . If you lose your flavor , what will happen to the world ? " Matthew 5 : 13 Working as a school bus monitor has been added to my growing list of life 's experiences . At first , I wasn 't too excited about it - getting up at 4 : 30 am is not my cup of tea as I am generally a night owl . And I am a writer , this is not exactly how I wanted to spend my time . Yet , I love being around kids and children - have taught Sunday School , served as a Christian Education and Youth Director and worked as a sub para in area schools . Mainly , I needed a job and this was the only one that had come along in months . Like the rest of the country , I have been caught in the net of a growing number of unemployed . I have been searching diligently for another job to add to the 20 hours the bus job provided . As I reflect upon it , I am convinced that no matter where God puts us in this world - wherever we work , live , or go - we can serve Him and add some of His divine seasoning to other people 's lives . This particular bus was a two hour rural route over some pretty bumpy , washboard country roads . My job was to assist the handicapped children on the route - one was in a wheelchair and once off the lift , I secured his chair to the floor of the bus . The other was a student with Downs Syndrome who needed to be buckled into a secure seat and watched over . There were kids on the bus from grades K - high school and I came to know each by name as time went on and their unique personalities . If only for a short time , I thank God for the opportunity this job provided - it was a unique way to serve Him - caring for some of God 's special children and teenagers . And there was an added bonus , the bus driver was a pastor and former classmate I had known for ages . Another one of those " God things " . Years before , my oldest granddaughter Kate had made me a neck bone pillow that I sometimes brought with me on the bus and used at home too . If it supported my head and brought comfort - I thought , such a pillow just might do the same for the kids . I believe God prompted me to take action . Now , my next challenge , what about finding all the different fabric ? And how to pay for it ? I had a nearly new sewing machine so that was no problem . Batting was on sale at the local fabric store and a friend picked up some at a second hand store . I asked a quilting friend if she might have some remnants I could purchase . " Sure do , " she said , without any hesitation . A radiant Christian , she belongs to a quilting club and the other members had fabric too - we made an exchange and they would take nothing for the fabric . I praised God . Unfortunately I have not been able to find another job to supplement the bus income which was not nearly enough . In addition , the daily rough ride did my recurred hiatal hernia no favors and worsened symptoms . With thought and prayer , I decided to move to another part of the country to look for work and seek medical treatment . And I am literally waiting upon the Lord . It was hard to say goodbye to the kids . But I am hoping that they saw some of Christ in me not only during my time on the bus and via interactions with them but when they use the pillows I made . Maybe I will be remembered as the " pillow lady " - ha ! But , the most important thing I hope and pray for is that they remember this : " Someone cared about me , one of the kids on the bus . A very simple act of love God planted in a bus monitor 's heart spilled over to me . This is more than just a fluffy , colorful pillow . . . . . . . it reflects the unconditional love of God and brings me some comfort on the long ride bus to and from school . Maybe I should do something to help someone else ? Maybe I should get to know Jesus better ? " Another reflection : I got a good glimpse into the lives of school children through this job . It is a tough world for some of them and they need lots of love . The world is such a busy place , who takes the time to really care ? I know some do - I met them while on the job . For years I have had the opportunity to teach God 's Word to youth and children and have given an occasional sermon to adults . Currently I am pursuing my music endeavors for the Lord and I miss teaching . But I found a way to reach out to my youngest granddaugther who lives some distance from me . I started a project called " Gram 's Bible Vitamins " . It is so much fun to create pages for her to dig into the Scriptures to find the answers . I began the 5 - page booklet by writing . " Researching and reading the Bible , which has terrific stories in it , can be fun ! At least , I think so . See what you discover : - ) " The worksheets cover both the New and Old Testament - there are some multiple choice questions and bonus questions where she needs to fill in the blanks . There is one section called " The Book of the Month " - for July it is Proverbs - very fitting since that is what we are studying in church right now : - ) As I wrote out the true and false statements it was also a review for this " Gram " ! I also included a section entitled : " What can Gram learn from my Granddaughter ? " It asks her what insights she had while searching through the Scriptures and answering the questions . I am sure , knowing Molly , she will give me some food for thought : - ) The Fun Page should suit my artistic granddaughter very well . I started a drawing placing lines and shapes in certain spots on the page . It is her challenge to finish it - I can 't wait to see what she draws - I know it will be awesome as she is so talented . Any day now I should be receiving Molly 's responses in the mail . It will be so delightful to see how she did and especially learn of her own insights and what she drew . But probably the best part is knowing that she is growing closer to the Lord through this process . YES ! ! ! ! So , if you are a granny out there and your grandchildren live far away from you , this may be one idea you could use ; not only to bring them closer to Jesus but to create a special bond between you and them . I did a similar project with my grandson years ago who is now a sophomore in high school ! We wrote stories back and forth . He would write his part and mail it to me and then I would write my part and mail it back . We used our imaginations a lot ! We came up with some pretty good stories . He even read one story to his classmates at his elementary school . His teacher and the class seemed to really enjoy it . I have offered wondered if we should get one of those stories published . The Bible is full of wonderful stories - I think sometimes we forget that . God must have known that we humans can relate to stories - and each and every one has a lesson to it . The parables that Jesus taught are awesome - no wonder He had the people 's attention whenever He told them . The thing that is so remarkable is tthat those parables were told thousands of years ago . And yet , they still apply to every day life in 2012 - and we are reminded again that the " Word of the Lord endures forever . " May we never forget that fact . And if you have a friend - young , old or in between , a grandchild , a youth or child that is a neighbor - reach out to them through the week ; share you faith in the Lord - don 't always leave it to the churches to do the work - we can be teaching , reaching and sharing all week long : - ) I have often said one hour of Sunday School is just not enough ! And it is not . Especially in today 's world . In my view , this polar bear at the Omaha 's Henry Doorly Zoo has a joyful heart as he leisurely swims on a hot summer day ! Little did he know that he brought joy to my heart when I captured him with my camera at just the right moment . God has given us so much to enjoy ! If you ever find yourself feeling sad , think of the times when you have laughed . Do some memory searching and recall happenings , converstaions , or perhaps some experiences that were not funny at the time but later became so . " Laughter blessings " we shall call them - that God has bestowed upon you and me . I once got stopped twice by a police officer for a traffic offense and only got a warning . But , he kept following me once it was settled and he eventually flashed on the red and blue lights again ! What now , I thought ? " Sorry to stop you again mam , " he kindly said , " but your purse is riding on your trunk " . Once when my grandkids were riding with me in the car on a starlit night my toddler grandson looked up into the sky and said , " God is a pretty good illustrator , isn 't he grandma ? " Joy radiated inside me : - ) " Yes , He is , " I said . Living in an old farm house always puts you at risk for seeing mice . But I did not expect to see one doing the backstroke in the bathtub one morning when I sat down on the toilet . I screamed and my husband grabbed the plunger and stopped the critter in mid - stroke ! One time I heard my young son talking in his sleep a short time after he had went to bed . I asked him what he was doing as he sat up feeling around on the bedspread for something . He said , he was hunting for mustaches . Well , okay then ! After a long day of shopping with my Jr High daughter for clothes we got back to the parking lot and she said - that was quite the es cape aid ! ! ! She meant escapade , of course . Now she 's a novelist ! My preschool granddaughter was really concerned about the sun one day . A cloud had covered it . " The sun can 't breathe ! " she said . Her mom reassured her that all would be well . I have been known to drive vehicles even when the gas gage indicates empty . One summer , I drove my son 's pick - up home packed with his college stuff and was so proud when I made it right to the house . But , the next morning it would not start . It was completely out of gas . Time to get the gas jug ! I was literally expecting to find plastic tips from needles and thermometers in my bag once I returned home from surgery . Even though groggy , I swore the male nurse was tossing them in there each time he came to my room . I thought it rather rude really . As he made the throwing motion with his arm , he said , " made it again " . I remarked that he should join my son 's basketball team ; he was such a good shot . He laughed . Guess what ? When I got home , there was not one plastic tip in my bag . He had completely fooled me . As a town girl , I was doing my best to help out on the farm . One night I was out checking cattle during calving season . Most were lying down in the straw but I was sure a calf was on the way for one cow . I hurried to the house to awaken my husband . He came out and when he shinned the flashlight towards the animal , he said , quite frankly , " That is the bull . " Oops ! One day on our farm , my oldest son and his toddler brother rode the three wheeler out to get the mail . Placing the mail on the kitchen table , my eyes met the oldest ones in shock when we heard the three wheeler take off . Toddler brother had decided to drive it on his own and ran straight into a hog shed - no injuries reported thank God . During a holiday football game between family members , my two year old grandaugther was a little cheerleader . Standing there watching the game with us , she contiuned to yell at the top of her lungs " Goooo Ball ! " p . s . she later became a high school cheerleader : - ) So used to using modern gadgets , I was in such a hurry one day that I walked up to my house and hit the remote on my car keys thinking it would open the door . What is wrong with this stupid thing ? Well actually , nothing ; just another blonde moment ! Speaking of cars , one day I came out of the grocery store and hit the keys on my remote to open the door on my car - well , at least it looked like my car . When I got inside it smelled like smoke with stuff about that I did not recognize . The owner had left it unlocked and my car , well , it was down a few stalls ! I quickly exited hoping no one had noticed ! As a writer , my first published work is like no other . I was notorious for writing notes to my friends at school . During one high school study hall class I was caught passing a note to a friend . The note was about a boy , of course . The teacher asked me to make copies and pass it around to everyone in the class . By the end of the day , it was all over the school . I decided to apologize to the boy . However , it never stopped me from writing notes . I have written alot since that day - but most got published as newspaper articles in regional papers : - ) And one last moment to share for now . . . . . . If you ever need your house painted , don 't call me . One hot , summer day , I tripped going down the steps carrying a bucket of green paint . The lovely green color covered the step AND even worse , my nearby car . Reaction ? Panic ! ! ! ! I grabbed the soap , the hose , a brush and moved like crazy . Exhausted , I finally got it all washed off . But , I waited a day before I picked up a can of paint again . " Sprinkle me with the cleansing blood and I shall be clean again . Wash me and I shall be whiter than snow . " Psalms 51 : 7 Amid a life of many transitions , I rejoice that Jesus , my Lord and Savior never changes . Nor does His Word . One of those transitions for me recently has been searching for a home church . Anyone who has experienced this may know that it is not an easy process . Especially in this day and age when many churches have dramatically changed the manner in which they worship the Lord . I am having quite the struggle with some churches who seem to have become more like the secular world . In Romans 12 , Paul tells us " Don 't copy the behavior and customs of this world , but be a new and different person with a fresh newness in all you do and think . " Some may call me old fashioned and I don 't mind if they do . I don 't think I should be entertained when I go to worship the Lord . And I desire a time of reverence and quiet reflection to confess my sins - on my knees , if possible . Following one service I attended recently , I came home , lit a candle and read my Bible to have a quiet time with God . There was just no time at the service to do so . Not that I am saying worship services should be completely quiet ! The balance of joyfulness and reflection seemed to be off at this particular church and in others I have visited . I have asked myself , are some churches seemingly becoming like the world to reach people for Christ ? If so , is He , Himself , the living Christ , not sufficient ? Did he not warn us not to do this ? In the book of Matthew , Jesus said " You are the world 's seasoning , to make it tolerable . If you lose your flavor what will happen to the world ? " There 's always been some differences among bodies of Christian believers - how they want to worship and what they believe . I respect those differences . Therefore , we do have a number of denominations across the United States . The various interpretations of the Holy Scriptures seems to have been a contributing factor . But the basic truths of God 's Word still remained a common thread . However , during the last three or four decades , that thread is weakening . Some Christian churches have went through extreme change - not only in the way they worship the Lord but in their doctrine . Some are turning from the truth of God 's Word and bringing worldly ways into their sanctuaries . This brings great sadness to my soul and concern for the future of the chruch . And thus , I struggle to find my spot . Where does God want me ? Sometimes I wish I could walk into a country church along the prairie in the 1800 's where the Old , Old Story is being told including some reference to that word . That word that seems to be missing in many churches today . Sin . Yes , that word that is mentioned in the Scripture many times over . I asked some Sunday School children about sin recently and they did not know what it meant . That was an eye - opener . It is true that God hates sin . People never have liked to hear about it and still don 't , me included . So , in order to keep people filling the churches , could it be that some pastors and leaders are choosing not to mention it much ? It appears we all want to feel good , have an uplifting worship service , experience the wonderful love of God and fellowship with one another . That is all well and good but does not cover all the bases . Now days , it takes a very brave pastor to preach about what they used to call " hell and brimstone . " But if your pastor does , it is because He loves and cares for his sheep as Christ cares for you . Rejoice ! ! ! As I reflect upon the Ten Commandments , each is related to a sin that God warns us not to do . Why ? Because He loves us . He wants our lives to reflect His guidance and for us to experience abundant life only He can provide . Ultimately , He knew we would fail and sin . Sinful people cannot have eternal life . But God loved us so much He made a way for us to become holy ( or without sin ) so we can enter heaven and live forever . Thank you Father ! He sent Jesus to earth as a man . Jesus taught people about love but He also made it plain that all of us are sinners . He spoke about true repentance , telling us how we could be born again . How struggling with sin would be a never ending battle while on earth and to expect it . But , assuring us that He would be here to help us through the power of the Holy Spirit and we could be forgiven when we sin . But we have to do our part . We have to believe Jesus died for our sins , and accept Him as our personal Savior . To repent and confess our sins and to accept His merciful forgiveness . And we have to be willing to change our sinful habits and live as Christ would want us to for we have been made clean through the blood of His one and only Son , Jesus Christ . It is that plain and that simple . I am reading about how they often met in small groups in homes , took communion together and were filled with the Holy Spirit . I am learning about the boldness the apostles had when they shared the message of Christ . It took courage . Stephen was remarkable . ( Acts 7 ) He told it like it was . And he died for it . As I reflected about his experience I had to ask myself , would I be willing to die for the sake of Christ and the Gospel ? Would you ? Where can I serve the Lord with the gifts He has given me ? Where can I worship Him in a way that is respectful , reverent , honorable and gives me the opportunity to lift my hands in praise but also kneel to confess my sins ? Join me as I reflect about life with insights from God 's Word in view . May each reflection be a blessing to you and glorify our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ . Daily , we believers strive to become more like Jesus - although we will never fully become so while on this earth . " But we Christians have no veil over our faces ; we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord . And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us , we become more and more like Him . " 2 Corinthians 3 : 18 Blog Archive

There they are , talking so loudly , often interrupting each other in the meeting , all of them just full of great ideas and talking on and on and on . What 's wrong with the guy who 's in that seat nearest the door , doodling , looking at his watch , and looking as if he only wants to leave ? Well - nothing at all ! He 's an introvert , and if he had anything to say that he thought would be of value or end this meeting , he 'd say it ! But he is not going to talk just to hear the sound of his own voice or " one - up " the others in the meeting . He 's thinking about the topic , or when the extroverts start wandering off topic or even saying the same things over and over again , he is then a million miles away thinking of something else . But he 's thinking , no matter what ! Over ten years ago I had an acquaintance I 'd see in a group that went for drinks occasionally , had parties , etc . I knew her for years locally , and we even traded social visits . Then she moved over a thousand miles away and we started writing to each other . Soon she wrote something I found very strange . She told me , " All these years I never knew how funny and smart you are until we started writing to each other ! " At the time , I was a very ingratiating person , so I responded with something like , " Thank you ! " Nowadays , I 'd more likely say , " And I find your personality much easier to take from 1200 miles away also ! " You see , I am an introvert . That doesn 't mean I hate people or that I am a " weird loner . " It means that although I find social interaction fun , it is draining to me , and my way to recharge is to be alone and read or surf the web or even just daydream while I do my housework . Extroverts are the opposite and recharge by talking to others . This great gap in understanding between innies and outties is almost as complete as that between men and women . Twice this week I have heard references to introverts . About a very quiet guy : " He 's not very smart , is he ? " ( Simply because he was quiet ) ! And about another quiet guy : " I 'm glad we don 't have someone with a good personality in that position because they 'd feel isolated in that room . " I used to be so miserable in meetings that once people started saying the same things over and over again I 'd start making lists of things I needed to do after work , draw pictures , or any other thing to take myself totally out of the room , mentally . Now thank goodness I do have a great boss who is interesting and never lets things get boring . Also , I go to meetings with a different mindset . I go in sort of like someone going to a job interview - ready to try to find out more , and also prepared to talk about what I 've been doing . My boss gives each of us a few minutes to talk about what we 're working on , and I used to just hit the extremePhoto credit : ghindo I 've fallen victim to that far too often . Just because I don 't interrupt someone when they speak , or constantly boast about my accomplishments , talk loader than everyone else and continuously repeat myself ; people think I 'm not that bright . The main difference is that I prefer being polite , brief , sticking to the subject and think twice before I speak . Wow ! Good comments . I hate it when people won 't let me finish talking either . I thought for years it was just me , but luckily with age and experience , I realized that most of the time , these people are not only no more intelligent than me , but are more interested in hearing themselves than listening . I have finally come to realize that they are to be " pitied " a bit . Many times they are extroverts , but very insecure , so they try to finish your thoughts or sentences to show how " intellegent " they are , but it is only a cover for their own insecurity . Thank you Xen ! And - that sounds great you are able to address the interruption problem with people . It definitely is rude . I started to tell a group of extroverts something the other day that I really wanted them to hear the end - the end was important . I actually began by saying , " Now the end of this is important , so please let me finish once I start . " They looked so shocked and just stared at me while I told them the three little sentences I knew they wouldn 't have been able to resist interrupting . And by the second sentence , they DID look like they wanted to jump in but knew I 'd told them to wait . This reminds me of a church I used to attend . I was the quiet drummer in the ministry team , for about two years . The Pastor gave a great sermon one night , and it really touched me . I wrote to him in an email how it had effected me and what I thought about it . His wife came up to my wife , at the next service , and said , as a comment to my email , " I didn 't know Sean was so deep . " It 's not that our pastor and his wife were dense , they had just never taken the time to talk to me directly . They spoke with the people who demanded their time and who just could not contain their thoughts , while I , being polite and an introvert , did not try to monopolize their time . It was totally their loss . Business meetings are exactly the same way . All of the extroverts are blurting out their ideas , covering the same ground over and over , vying to be heard . We introverts are listening to what is being said , not adding our voices to the same ideas that were covered over and over and over by the extroverts . We are consolidating our ideas and speaking when it is necessary . One thing I have noticed - extroverts love to shoot down the ideas of introverts . They agree whole heartedly with other extroverts , but seem to have to shoot at introverts when we speak up . I have learned to hold my ground and not back down . I have found that when they have nothing further to say against me , and when they shut up and have no more comments , I have brought my point home . You know , my first reaction is I wouldn 't want everyone discussing an email I had meant for ONE PERSON . Especially coming back and talking to my own loved one about it as if I were a child ! And the attention to the squeaky wheel is exactly what happens in my own church too . The people who talk the loudest and " heartiest " and push themselves forward are the ones who the ministers really know and appreciate . Great way to put it - " their loss . " 🙂 That 's right ! Business meetings with extroverts who won 't give us a chance really make me mad . Good for you standing your ground ! Yep - I never see a point in saying something that 's already been said , but those guys are getting a lot of mileage out of it ! Hi Sara , yes , I remember thinking when I was younger , " Why can 't I ' think on my feet ' like so many other people can ? " But I guess that 's one good thing about the fact that the extroverts say the SAME THING over and over at meetings . It gives us time to process what was said ( the first time ) and to think of something important that really needs to be said or asked . Welcome to Introvert Zone , and thanks for your comment ! I 'm a bit confused . I 've never known any extrovert to think introverts are stupid . On the contrary in fact . I find them intriguing , and often times deep and mysterious . Personally I find extroverts to be unbearable a lot of the time . They come off as superficial ( Even others who share my MBTI ( Especially my type in fact … ) ) and not incredibly bright . I 'm jealous of the introvert 's quietness on many subjects and being able to think before he says . I might just be an extroverted introvert , but I definitely don 't find myself as outgoing as the extrovert ideal . I hate repetition , and I can see your frustration on that , but I don 't think extroversion has anything to do with people thinking your unintelligent . Perhaps ignorance is truly the word ? Hi Waffle ! Thanks for the comment . I 've read that people who speak up in meetings are often considered more competent and knowledgeable , even if they 're just spouting stuff that 's already been said . 🙂 I appreciate that you understand that we are thinking ! 🙂 I am an introvert . In meetings or group situations where people are brainstorming and such , I might be quiet while I 'm waiting for the rest of the group to get over socializing , repeating , and getting caught up on irrelevant issues . I 've always felt that much meeting time gets wasted by people speaking for attention , not because they have anything worthwhile to say . I 'm quiet because I tend to think acting as an example and not adding to the mess is the best thing I can do to help keep things moving forward . Telling most people to focus is usually over their heads and results in more mess . By the way , I don 't expect much to get done by most groups of people . I had the pleasure of hanging out with a circle of friends , ( my then - boyfriend 's brother 's friends ) who happened to be architects . They were articulate , didn 't repeat themselves , I don 't think even once , and best of all , when they spoke , it was actually to add something to the table . It renewed my faith in humanity . Oh , that gives me a warm feeling too ! And yes - I 've tried being a good example , but some people would never see it or learn . Sometimes when a meeting that should have been over long ago is dragging on with people keep saying the same thing over and over , I 'll close my notebook , put my pen away , and think SURELY this is OVER … but no . . some folks just love the sound of their own voices ! What an IGNORANT jerk ! He 's like many of the possibly expensive but actually worthless objects we see around us in life : fascinating and seemingly wonderful on the outside , but what we see on the outside is ALL there IS ! Amanda what you had going on in your head that day is the awesome thing that a lot of us introverts do . Yep , there 's no putting it into words , but maybe a painting might approach it someday . 🙂 Do you know your MBTI type ? I 'm INFJ , and I think the N is what really puts me out into daydream land a lot . Hey cb and Amanda , I can relate to your story Amanda . I tend to start daydreaming , as well , especially when I am in the passenger in a car . My mind tends to wander from one thing to the next , making random connections , and it can be hard to put into words . Some introverts , more than others , have a difficult time articulating what they are feeling or thinking . As cb said , knowing MBTI type is helpful . I found out that I am an INFP , which really made a lot of sense . INFPs tend to have a difficult time expressing themselves and are also known as " The Dreamers " or the " Idealists " . When I was younger , the people I lived with tried to make me feel incompetent and tried to make me feel like a dunce just because of the way my mind worked and my behaviors were a bit different from theirs . It didn 't help that I was clueless when it came to finding things , and they used that quirk to try to justify how " simple " I was . Much later , when I started to learn about introversion and the different personality types , I finally realized that a lot of people have the same characteristics / personality traits that I do , and I 'm not " simple " and I 'm not a " dunce " just because of certain quirks / behaviors . But the people I grew up with would have led me to believe that I was so much " slower " than everyone else , when the truth of the matter was that they were the ones who were quite ignorant to a lot of things . They tend not to understand or better yet , don 't care to understand , anything that is not right there in front of them . They don 't try to make any meaningful , deep connections about much of anything . Everything is very shallow and superficial with them . They can be overbearing and overly critical about the slightest differences or percieved weaknesses that they see in other people , so at some point , I had to distance myself and not communicate with them as much as when I was younger and was forced to be around them . Thanks , Amanda . Yeah , exactly , the people you grow up with are supposed to be a support group but what I have come to realize is that a lot of people don 't get the support while growing up and end up basically having to figure a lot of things out for themselves , so it 's a common occurence . That 's good that you never took the " slow " comment negatively . You recognized it for what it was and made it into a positive . I , on the other hand , became more self - conscious and had low self - esteem for a while , because of the negative comments . I have become a lot more confident in my twenties . I can be slow and thorough or fast depending on what I am doing . I hate to do housecleaning / organizing but if I am in the mood , I tend to go slow and I can be quite meticulous , but other times , I can be fast with what I am doing . Hey Amanda . When I first took the test , I got ISFP , as well , which is the Artisan / Composer . But since then , I retook the test a few times , and I always get INFP . The INFP profile fits my behavioral patterns a whole lot better . Im my opinion , I think that it is best to answer the questions according to how you behave on a regular , consistent basis and not based on the type of behavioral characteristics you would like to exhibit . Wow , thank you all for hitting this right on the money ! It makes me feel more secure knowing there are a lot of people like me out there . I , too am an INFP , which makes it extremely hard to convey what I 'm thinking , or what I 'm feeling . I 'm a Pisces as well , so i 'm like , extra extra introverted . Starting in my teen years , I 've been afraid to say anythingat the wrong time , or to the wrong person . There are verrryyy few people I feel comfortable around , and I agree with Amanda , I feel like there 's this whole ' nother person inside me waiting to come out and shine . Sometimes I feel alone just because everyone that surrounds me seems to not really ' get ' me on a deeper level . They must think I 'm this shy , quiet girl that doesn 't know much because I just don 't really know how to explain my thinking . I FEEL intelligent , but those extroverts just interrupt me literally evert time I try to tell a story . It 's like , wow , do you really need to do that ? Is the fact that you haven 't spoken in 10 seconds that terrible ? Jeez they need to give us introverts a chance sometimes ! I also have trouble starting , and fueling a conversation with somebody who is quiet like me . Because I feel with too many people , the sheer awkwardness when you 're in a room alone with a person . I don 't know if anyone else gets that way , but I 'm constantly worrying about what to say , if they 're feeling awkward , what should I do , things like that . I 'm very easygoing , I 'm just a people pleaser and need to know whether the other person feels comfortable or not . Wow I 'm just spilling my guts to you and I apologize , haha . I really needed to tell people who understand , about my situation . Thank you . Wow , a lot of what you said is what I feel as an introvert . There are a few people I 'm comfortable with . I just got my first job review and it was mediocre at best because I don 't contribute enough in meetings and talk at work in general . It 's just seems impossible to overcome , but I will definitely try . Like you , I don 't know what to say ! I have quite a bit to say when " intelligent " conversations come up . But I can 't even think of an idea to improve the workplace in a meeting ! And my boss telling me that I 'm quiet makes me even more quiet and " scared " if you will because now I feel pressured to change . I feel like my true self is trapped , and it won 't come out . And don 't you hate it when those extroverts put you on the spotlight with a comment around others , and you don 't know how to respond ? It 's a terrible feeling , but I just tend to laugh it off or keep quiet . Anyways , nice to find this site and seeing that I 'm not alone . I can be all those things just not in large groups of people … Is there somneone we can see to get of this affliction and blockage … ? Has anyone managede to overcome it ? Yes , I have , and constantly am overcoming it . There is a very effective way to get off this " affliction and blockage " : it 's called growing up as a person . Without coming to terms with who you are , you are just going to be mediocre in life . Knowing how our mind works is the only way to make it work the way we want . First of all , be sure you are an introvert ? Let 's face it , you could just be shy … If that 's not the case , then just understand that we introverts don 't work the way extroverts do . Understand it , accept it , get over it . Then , just use your strengths . You can 't play the extroverts game , for it 's a game where they have more talent , experience and , sure as hell , more fun . Be what you can be , no more , no less . Do your best , TRY to adapt to your coworkers personality , but there is a limit . Never force that limit , as it only brings frustration and a negative image of yourself . Instead , compensate what you can 't do well with what you do best . I am in marketing for approximately 15 years now . I am an introvert and I am shy as well . I understand they are two different things . I have been fired for not being outgoing enough , not " communicating " well enough ( code for I 'm not outgoing enough ) . I 'm lucky I found a job where I 'm pretty much accepted for not being a gadfly . I do have tremendous difficulty speaking up in meetings . I try to say something , anything . Even if just to acknowledge the ideas of others and that seems to be good enough . Some extroverts are not satisfied with you being kind and giving the minimum . I understand that too . My dream is to get out of the 9 to 5 and freelance . I too can deal better one on one . So maybe that 's your answer ? You may also have to fake it a little . It 's painful , but with practice you can learn to kick it up a notch at work with your voice and mannerisms . I learned that overtime . Essentially I am introvert at my desk , in public , and home alone . I 'm not sure if I want to go live in the East for the rest of my life because America deserves to tolerate introverts . After all , this is a free country . Therefore , everyone 's free to be introverted whenever they want . Just kidding . I am heavily introverted ( scored a 12 / 100 on an introversion - extroversion test , with 0 being total introvert and 100 being total extrovert … ' nuff said . ) I also have a very high IQ , I have been told it 's 200 + but I believe it 's more like 166 as someone else told me . I like being an introvert because I flourish on my own . I also am pretty friendly when people talk to me , and I have made many friends at school despite my introversion . Not saying that extroversion is bad , but introversion is equally beneficial . Just my 2 cents . However , we are all people with different personalities and no one 's is superior . I have been rejected over a job interview recently because the guy ( for 20 min interview ) gave feedback that , he can ; t imagine me doing the job because of my introversion . I could not stop laughing 🙂 In general , I do not feel the need to " show off " because I do know my real worth and abilities , and feel safer in " watch " than " attack " , and " attack " when is the right time and the right person . Unfortunately , some people just don ; t get it 🙂 @ bi : Great said brother . Even i am an half introvert and half extrovert . People of my kind of personality and also extroverts feel very much comfortable with me . Its requires more time for me to build bridge with complete or more introverts . There is this one fellow , who is an extrovert introvert who was so persistent and persevere getting under my skin ! As a matter of fact , he was so good at it , he got what he was looking for . During our conversations via Messenger , he described me as " inaudible but readable " - meaning to say that he finds me talkative in a nonverbal description whereas I don 't talk much in person - in meetings especially ! - hence , I am inaudible . And I can tell a whole novel in just a few minutes when I have to write or type them down - hence , readable ! He 's the only person of the opposite sex who got this close and in depth with me to the point that I bother conversing with him on the phone . Our relationship is what I 'll call a stroll down the park with an " intellect buddy " . I guess he got this far simply because he had a good intention and the conversation was and still is going somewhere . Otherwise , I would not spend a minute talking to him . Boy , it sure is nice being an introvert ! ; ) Great post , really struck some chords with me . I was just randomly searching for a few items on the subject as I feel have become much more introverted over the last few years . It never occurred to me their would be a whole website dedicated to being introverted but its actually a great idea . Keep the good posts coming ! Hi , Im an introvert too . Its very draining at times you just want to be alone with a book far far away from people . I do enjoy company of good close friends but not acquaintance , hate the awkwardness . And because I dont raise my voice and get interrupted alot when Im talking to staff , although I find that rather rude but I dont know how to point that out or dont respond much to my boss ( cos he just goes on and on for 10 minutes when asked yes / no question ) , people dont think im on top of things or capable . why does my voice have to be very loud to be heard ? i have to shout at staff to get respected ? its really tiresome at work to go through this and just because i dont give my boss hourly updates he is saying im slow . but how do you update someone who everytime you update him will just start rambling ? half your day is gone ! dear god … Shari , That 's a tough one . What you could do is send him e - mail . Print out the e - mail for yourself . Go in to see him or phone him and read it off ? I don 't know the exact situation of course , but I cc my manager on everything I do . Occasionally I pop in and ask her if she got it or if she has questions as applicable to the situation . Extroverts need to know you 're doing something and they need to see it and hear it to be convinced . It doesn 't have to be brilliant . You should practice at home speaking louder and interrupting these people . I 've been doing that . My deal has been not contributing to discussions enough during meetings . I 'm introverted and a little shy with a soft voice , but certainly not dumb or slow . I find if I can prepare a little before hand or get an agenda from somebody it helps . I also say a lot of that 's a good question , or good idea or I agree . Just to be talking . That way I 'm seen to be part of things even when I don 't have anything earth - shattering to say . I have also used the extrovert trick of repeating what someone else already said in different words . You have to learn how to live in their world and get over the fear of interrupting or feeling like a phony by talking when you don 't have much to say . These things are actually acceptable and preferable to remaining dead silent . With your boss you are totally going to have to interrupt him . Like Boss , you 're making some great points but all I really need to know is - interject your point . If he goes on , so that 's a yes then ? Thanks , and get out of there . I do this with my extroverted husband all the time , works like a charm . My grandfather always told me ( and still tells me ) that I am a dark horse , the unknown racehorse who rises to glory when least expected , outrunning all the best horses in the race . I think this is probably the best example of an introvert . They don 't seem like much , and how could they ? They 're not popular , they hardly ever talk ! But they have no idea that one day , no matter how many jobs we were denied because of our " undesirable " nature , we will be the champions when they least expect it . They are so busy talking , trying to stay connected , and trying to rise in position that they never realize that we , the true introverts , are more content with out lives . I love this ! My boss recently told me to stop being introverted , as if I can just change my personality overnight . The thing is , I feel the exact same way in meetings . My boss uses the phrase " Like I said … " over and over and over and interrupts everyone often . I think instead of criticizing me for being quiet , he might want to take a few pointers from my introverted personality and realize just because he 's talking , doesn 't mean he 's really saying anything . I am a 52 year old black woman who has been an introvert all her life . I had the same thing to happen to me just a month ago from a women who is a contractor on my job , but who have been given the title to be my superior . She is person who likes to bully and intimidate people . She is an extrovert who just talks to be talking because she wants to make people think shes know what she is talking about . She is rude , she cuts people off when talking . She has even go as far as putting her hands in people face to tell them stop and be quiet . Another reason she does this is because she is a contractor and she wants continue to show the management that she is needed . Well , in a meeting where I am giving a status of the project I am working she starts throwing out questions to try to embarrass me in front of our Director . The questions were information that we had discussed in a previous meeting so she knew the answers and the Director also . Individuals who work with me have stated that she talks to me hateful than others on our team . They will ask me if I 'm alright after she says demeaning things to me and I would reply with yes I 'm okay . I realized that this lady had some issues . To make herself feel better she would target me or others who were quiet who respected her and was kind to her the most . Everyone else would run to the director and tell on her . I did not because I accepted for who she was and I could see through the insecurities she had . Besides it did not do any good , director needed her . He was new and did not know what he was doing and depended on her to walk him through everything . I never did not retaliate with unkind words to her because when she would say things to me , I basically tuned her out or would be thinking how I would respond . When she attempted to throw me under the bus to the director by telling me I need to more like three other individuals on the team and granted these individuals were no smarter , they just talked a lot . That really got to me . I was working on a project that was very difficult . It almost like she wanted to blame me for the project going south which it was not . I went back to my desk and I thought about what she said and how she attempted to blind side me . I said to myself enough is enough . I marched into her office and shut her door . I told her I am 52 year old woman , I am not like the others on the team who run and tell the boss on her like they are in the middle school . I am a grown woman and grown enough to tell her to your face how I feel and what I think . First , I told her I did not appreciate how she spoke to me in the meeting . Then I told her do not ever compare me to anyone else on the team again . I am who I am and if you don 't like it , tough . Then she asked me if she said in front of the Director , I replied yes you did and I did not appreciate that also . Basically I told don 't do it again . I told her she will respect me and talk to me as an adult , not a child . Her eyes bugged out and since then has not talked to me that way again . By the way the way , how I said it was not in harshness but with assertiveness in a professional manner . I am a Christian , and what I have found in my lifetime that the Lord made me this way so that I can see things with more clarity . I did not like it most of my life , but I had to accept me . My husband is an extrovert . He is a Christian also , but sometimes his view is not as clear on issues especially when it comes to dealing with people . He is more black and white on things . Where as things are not black and white , but are more complex . This is where my view comes in along with the word of God and my husband receives What I have learned is to accept and love how God has made me . People even those who claims that they are suppose to love and accept everyone do always accept you . I had to accept that I am unique in the Lord eyes . I am not anybody else and He does not expect me to be and I should not expect myself to be . People still treat me certain ways . Some think I am stuck up because they don 't understand me . But that is okay , because there are so many people the Lord has brought into my life that do appreciate my uniqueness and value my thoughts . They see the creativity and deep thought and see it as a blessing . Many compliment me and see things in me that I have not even seen even at this age . This helps me not to change who I am , but to continue to embrace who I am and see all the Lord has placed in me . I am assertive when I need to be and I am observant when I need to be . Life is great ! In my middle age and later years if Lord allows me , I want to live my life to the fullest and this is what I am trying to do everyday . Be blessed . The behavior of extroverts is understandable ; I mean , we don 't act like they do . It is Human Nature to think everything should be the way that you want it to be . That said it does really get on my nerves when , just because I don 't talk that loud , I say something , and then someone else says the EXACT same thing and gets the credit for it . Really loving all the comments you all posted : ) . Well my life is full of ups and downs an turn arounds . 15 years old by the way , I love waking up everyday and going to school , but hate being judged based on my apperence or behavior . I mean it happens in life but it 's when people do it for the wrong reasons that bothers me . As an introvert im fascinated in thinking and daydreaming making little movies in my head an perfect little worlds an my interest in world history an the world . . I 've never been able to fit in the popular groups , the things they do an say makes me want to puke . During the day someone would ramdomly ask me if im ok or is there something wrong with me because im not talking ( in a sense of something being abnormal about me ) an im like theres nothing wrong , im usualy happy in my days . . In other words its like stealing the feathers off a bird an telling it to fly . I 'm open minded towards everything everyone . Its also difficult to say whats on my mind unless written becuase i cannot think while speaking , get my picture ? Theres this unreadable feeling that comes dealing with arrogant people , i mean everyone is great and talented an beautiful but is what arrogants say to credit themselves or hurt others or to heal . Any body is capable of anything and never let the world get you down only turn negatives into wisdom and energy thats my mindset . I wish my comment could of been as good as everyones on here lol . Okay my first comment is kind of mismatched but heres my point . Introvertes tend to be more open minded and intellectual , but the problem is that the inner character of us intos is crumbling in a dark corner trying to find a way out . What we intros need to do is prosper ourselves , becuase we sometimes dont agree with the winning sides and we stand out alone as a one man army . Joining the winning sides wont make us feel any better infact they make us feel worser than our usual position . Hear me ! ! ! Standing out in the open an standing your ground with full authority shows that you are not playing finish to the top first . When extros see you 're a one man army they 'll know you have authority but will not say anything . We intros can read what extros are thinking we can read they 're characteristics , be careful becuase extros will test your strength , just give them the * u mean buisness an use ur fucking common sense look * Stand your ground ! ! ! You dont need to be extrovert , you need to be HARD with a nice personality . The comments above are really helpful , great ! ! Everyone ! ! 🙂 Your blog captures the essence of what introverts go through in their personal and professional lives when they are forced to conform in an extrovert majority world . It is even harder for people like me who are introverted women . We tend to attract the labels of " weird " or " freak " like moths to a flame . I am beginning to reconcile to the fact that introverts cannot be " changed " or " converted " into extroverts by our more extroverted peers who claim to have the best of intentions towards us . If the chasm of understanding between introverts and extroverts were to be narrowed , extroverts ( who are the majority ) would stop misjudging us and be able to draw the very best from their relationships with us and vice versa . The first thing that extroverts should understand is that introverts are not being rude , stuck - up or anti - social when they are silent . It just means that they 're a little uncomfortable being in the spotlight in a social situation and need space and time to recoup . Introverts need to take advantage of situations wherein extroverts intentionally draw them in and encourage them to participate . This blog is great . It gives us introverts a better understanding of who we are as individuals . As a child people thought I was weird . My family thought I was weird . I love to read books , love history , I had a vivid imagination . Even my dreams are very vivid and detailed . As a child I was very creative and loved writing stories . I am a researcher and deep thinker . I day dreamed a lot about what I could do and what I could be . I was bullied all through school . And now sometimes an adult , people attempt to bully , ignore and walk over me . Because I wanted to fit in so bad when I was a teen , I would do things that were damaging to myself and self - esteem to please people . I found out even when I did those things , people even family members still did not accept me . Even now , people don 't know how to take me . It is rare to find friends who really understand my personality . But I do have many who do . Recently , I attended a going away luncheon for a friend who was transitioning to a new job . To add excitement to the luncheon , she invited all attendees to play a trivia game . As she asked the questions , a lot of the answers I knew . I would blurt them out and was ignored . One question she asked was " Which war was Florence Nightingale known for participating in ? No one knew the answer . I did , so I answered the Crimean War . My friend looked at me like I crazy and kept asking the question and I kept repeating the answer . She did not accept it and kept waiting for anyone else besides me to answer . Her assumption was I did not know what I was saying . When she showed the answer and it was correct , she asked how did you know that ? A person who does not know that well answered before I could and said because she knows history . I am so glad they answered . You know why ? I have had to explain myself all my life and frankly at 52 , I am sick and tired of explaining myself . And now I don 't even try . As long as my immediate family which they do love and accept me for who I am that 's all that matter . I am not going to try to get an extrovert to understand me because they can 't because of who they are . And I don 't try to understand extroverts , I can 't because of who I am . Stay true to yourself . Speak up when appropriate and be quiet and observant as appropriate . Being an introvert has hurt in some areas of my career , oh well maybe that just wasn 't the job for me . As you get older and wiser , you start to learn what you think is so serious , is just not that serious . I am living my life to attempt to do all the things that I did not do in my younger years . I am a in a singing group where I lead praise and worship music . I play the piano . I work in the computer field which I love . I write devotionals and songs . I speak at conferences for domestic violence where my voice is heard and not ignored . I speak to young women about life choices and how to make them better . Introverts are not unintelligent and as many have said , Reply Leave A Reply Cancel Reply you MUST enable javascript to be able to comment

Category : training Flirting with injury Last May , actually this same week in May , I screwed myself . I 'd had a crappy Boston , and I wanted some kind of redemption at Comrades . So 12 days after running Boston , I did a 35 - miler on roads . My hip and hamstrings were in pain for the last six miles , but Comrades was worth that pain , I said . If I wanted to race 56 miles , I 'd have to deal with some kind of pain , I reasoned . Training through that mileage could only make me stronger . The next few weeks of tapering to get to Comrades healthy did not go well . I raced a 10K and a three - miler in pain , and while I did set PRs in both , I kept pushing through that hip pain , training at speeds I had no business running . After Comrades , I was diagnosed with a labral tear , and I spent a month working my way past that . So this year . This year was supposed to be different . I was done with ultra road races for a while . Instead , I would take on another challenge . I would run two marathons in six days . I 'd done this two years before , and I knew I had trained to run strong . The training season went well ! But Boston was hot , so while my training and racing indicated I should be able to run fast there , I bonked a bit in the heat . I got a little redemption in London and was able to run seven minutes faster than at Boston , with no taper and jet lag and even , amazingly , some vomit in the middle . Spring racing season : success . I should have been thrilled with two hard races , a string of PRs at shorter distances , no injuries , a stronger core , blah blah , blah , but was I happy ? No . At the end of four months of some intense training , I should have taken a break . Even a week of absolutely no running would have been understandable . But I had Grandma 's Marathon on my calendar in seven weeks . So on the Wednesday after London , I decided that maybe I had enough juice left to try for another sub - 3 . Now , why I continue to think I am superhuman and do not need much rest after hard races is a mystery . It 's endorphins and stubbornness and optimism and stupidity all at once , I think . Am I still able to run 6 : 20 miles right now ? Yes . How do I know ? Because I did that the week after the marathon . Like an idiot . That landed me at PT last week with the start of some hip pain . Surprise ! It wasn 't terrible , but I 'm at least smart enough to have a minor ache in that area checked out when it pops up . My therapist said I wasn 't injured , not even close . He said my hip felt better than it had when I 'd run Cherry Blossom . So that 's good . But if I was going to put in 80 miles that week ( my actual plan ! ) , I certainly would injure myself . " Your engine is much stronger than your chassis right now . " Maybe I should cut that mileage in half . Take a few weeks easier than I 'd like . But I had so many fun runs lined up - runs with people I like to chat with , runs that make me so happy . I had fun training to do , and I was able to run fast without pain . But my hip still kinda hurts , just enough to make me pause before I start my runs . It goes away after I warm up , but yes , it 's nagging , and it would turn in to something big if I don 't give it some time to heal . Also , for the last four months , I have been nearly wholly focused on a time goal . I have added 30 to 45 minutes of strength training and preventive PT exercises nearly every day , limited alcohol , been in bed by 9 and up again at 5 every day , added biking , canceled weekend plans , been boring . In pursuit of this goal , I 've neglected my personal relationships . When I jumped right back in to training on Wednesday , I also hadn 't taken any time toSo here we are . It 's the same week I got injured last year . I would have been heading that way if I 'd run the hilly 18 - miler I planned to run tomorrow . Instead , this time , I plan to not end up on the start line of the next race , wondering if I 'm going to run myself in to the ground . I will not do what I did at Comrades . I will take more time to let my body catch up , and I 'll spend more time being not - just - a - runner . But making that decision is harder than going out for a fun run and feeling great for the rest of the day . When I told my running buddies that I wouldn 't be able to run this weekend because I need to take care of myself for a bit , they were so , so supportive . That 's because they are amazing , and they know we need to look out for each other . Of course I should listen to my body and take a break , they said . They understood completely . Then I was worried that I 'd get crap on Strava for not being amazing and not running my normally high mileage , so I 've made my activities private until June . I already put enough pressure on myself , and I don 't need more criticism from people I barely know . To sum up : No , I 'm not injured , thankfully , not yet . Yes , I should have gone easier on myself after two marathons like a normal person . Yes , I 'm still running and planning to race in May and June . I wanted to write down how I 'm feeling now so just maybe after my next hard race I will take that break at the right time . FacebookTwitterEmail Posted on May 5 , 2017May 5 , 2017Categories training1 Comment on Flirting with injury Race Review : Comrades Marathon To understand why I was standing in the middle of a South African town at 5 : 30 in the morning surrounded by 20 , 000 mostly South African runners , we have to go back to April 2014 . In our normal pre - Boston race week buildup , we tried to pass the time with running documentaries - trying to get ourselves keyed up to run fast on Marathon Monday . We came across Bart Yasso 's Runner 's World feature about the Comrades Marathon . Bart has run everything and been everywhere , and he had not run this one so he put it on his bucket list . We were in awe . On Monday , endorphins still raging and drunk from our Boston finishes and a few cocktails , Michael said , " Hey we should do that Comrades thing ! " He 'd heard about it before we watched the documentary . " Ha ! " I said , " We aren 't ultramarathoners . " But Michael insisted we might be . " That 's more than two marathons . Think about how trashed our legs are right now ! You want more of that ? " I told him I would ask him in a few weeks when he wasn 't drunk . Comrades is the world 's oldest ultramarathon . It is filled with badasses . Each person is a badass in their own way . South Africa television devotes an entire 12 - hour block to covering it . Everyone knows whether it 's an " up " or a " down " run . When you tell an American that you 're running Comrades , though , they don 't understand . Rugby and running feel like South Africa 's national pastimes . The nation seems to rally around this event . It 's their Boston and New York and Super Bowl all in one . OK . A few weeks later , I confirmed that yes , Michael was serious about wanting to run this thing . We 'd need to wait for a " down " year , which would be an even year . The Comrades course changes directions every year , from Pietermaritzburg to Durban for the down years and vice versa for the up years . Downhill running seemed easier . Who doesn 't love running down a hill ? But that meant having a goal for more than two years . And we aren 't ultramarathoners . I had two years to turn myself in to an ultramarathoner . OK . That was a long way away . I know I somehow ended up at this point , in May 2016 , a point where I can reasonably imagine running 56 miles . My weekly mileage increased by about 15 percent , steadily and with the help of an amazing coach . But this also meant I needed to slow down some runs . This training was more about time on my feet and less about building speed . Except when it wasn 't and I was training for marathon PRs at the same time . Somehow , with a series of stepping stone endurance races and steady mileage buildup , the ultra seemed doable . The first step I remember in the ultramarathoner plan was running a long way and practicing fueling . I ran Boston 2 Big Sur in 2015 , which let me know that my legs could tolerate two marathons in a week at a pretty quick clip . But the first time I ran 50K on the roads , I hallucinated a dead bird . I had plenty of work to do . Aside from mental grit , fueling is a something you have to get right in ultras . Your body cannot run much farther than 26 . 2 miles without taking in some additional fuel - in my case , something solid . With some amount of fueling strategy figured out , I came in top female in my first trail ultra , The March , a non - technical fire road trail ultra in North Carolina . That was a building block for Stone Mill , a 50 - mile trail run . I was mentally zapped after that race and I fell down in the first mile . But covering 50 miles is something my body can do . In January , I ran the Goofy Challenge in Walt Disney World , which is a half marathon on Saturday and a marathon on Sunday . The U . S . doesn 't have a ton of ultra - distance road races , and I wanted to train in conditions close to Comrades . In February , I ran the Cowtown 50K and broke the course record . With a pacing strategy and fueling plan nearly locked down , I was quite confident I could run Comrades . I haven 't written about my disappointing performance in Boston here , but gosh , I felt like my training was finally coming together for that race . A combination of a warm day and a migraine at mile 8 meant I wouldn 't be breaking 3 : 00 in the spring this year . But in 2016 I have set personal records in every other distance I 've raced : 50K , half marathon , 10 - mile , 10K and three - mile . And with as long as I 've been pushing and racing , I am pleased to see my times continue to drop . But I digress . Comrades was on the horizon . I took a deep breath after the Boston setback and was determined to build my mileage up again for the six weeks between races . Twelve days after Boston , I organized a 35 - mile long run around Washington , Maryland and Virginia where I really settled in on my Comrades race fueling plan . Without that confidence - building run and the miles in my legs , I wouldn 't have arrived at the start line with much confidence . Thirty - five miles on roads is a long way to go . After about two year of gradual buildup and confidence building , I was ready to glide in for a smooth landing and an easy taper for the race . But I had two of my favorite May races on the calendar , races I don 't miss - the Capitol Hill Classic 10K and the ACLI Capital Challenge Three - Miler . Plus before Boston , I 'd been having a weird kind of hip pain across the front of my lower abdomen . It wasn 't exactly my groin - a little higher . It woke me up at night a few times . I shrugged it off as maybe my period or maybe running too many miles ahead of Boston . I did put in a few 100 - mile weeks . Then some time around the second week of May , the pain started again . My training was slowing down in to taper mode . I thought the pain would go away with a bit of rest or easier days . It didn 't . Then I raced twice and PRed twice in four days . At the start line of both of those races , I was telling people around me I wasn 't sure if my hip would hold up . It was tender . I was walking a fine line for both of those races . I went to the physical therapist on May 18 . Comrades was on May 29 . She said she thought it wasn 't a stress fracture or a hernia ( those things don 't wake you up at night ) and gave me some exercises to help with the pain . But the pain kept happening at night , even with the taper . It didn 't happen the nights after my races , but it would come back on random easy days . On Monday night before my Tuesday evening flight , my massage therapist worked on my psoas muscles , which helped with some of the tension and let me get back to some ab exercises . The 17 - hour flight to Africa wasn 't terrible . I slept for about six hours , and I managed a quick mile when we landed on Wednesday night to keep my running streak alive . The streak is almost seven years long . You don 't just throw that away because you had a late flight . Right ? We woke up in Johannesburg on Thursday morning and went for an easy shakeout . Bad news : the groin pain was real , and it was happening during the run . It was on the right side , and it had moved a bit to the right butt cheek . My goal was to finish Comrades - all 56 miles of it . Period . It is not a race for which I had a firm time goal . I wanted to finish the race in the 12 - hour allotted time window . So I decided I would take a rest day . A real rest day . Aside from the fact that I felt kind of " off " in the morning - kind of how you feel when you haven 't had enough coffee - I think my rest day went fine . We flew from Johannesburg to Durban . We ate dinner with international runners . I slept well and without hip pain that night ! The Comrades race expo is like Boston but a little smaller , far less crowded and full of strange African things . Comrades knows how to treat its international runners , too . There is a special line for bib number pickup , and the volunteers walk you through every piece of what you need to bring . Plus there is an international food tent at the finish . And international runners get special bibs . We picked up our numbers and tog bags ( drawstring drop bags are " tog bags " there ) at the expo and dropped off fuel for our three drop bags at the Hilton across the street . The two best choices I made in preparing for this trip were signing up for these drop bags and for the course tour . In my drop bags I had : I overdid it with the salt tabs . But I like to overpack those in case I lose one or my fingers don 't work . My fueling plan was to have one salt tab every 90 minutes . On Saturday morning , we took a fantastic course tour with Bruce Fordyce . The goal , he said , of the tour is to scare us . Without the course tour , I would have been cursing myself for being in way over my head . With the course tour , I knew I was in over my head . But I knew when the going got tough ( and it WOULD be tough ) , I would have lots of beautiful views . After thoroughly shitting our pants on the course tour , we panicked and thought our best course of action would be to hang out in our hotel for most of Saturday afternoon . We ordered an early dinner . We were both asleep ( asleep ! ) by 8 p . m . The alarm went off at 2 : 15 . I made a French press cup of coffee for each of us , and we staggered around the hotel room until we kind of had our wits about us . Neither of us pooped . We were overseas and had no hope of anything happening at 2 a . m . anyway . We put on our race stuff we 'd carefully laid out the night before when we were lucid . Then we took a quick photo where we look really awake and hopped up on something ( life ? ) , and we stumbled into the South African darkness to our cab . Wait , the third best idea I had on this trip was ordering a cab two days early . Otherwise I doubt we would have been able to easily get to the bus departure area at 3 a . m . on race morning . The start of this race reminds me , oddly , of the start line to get to Big Sur . It is dark as hell . Everyone is kind of quiet . You 're waiting on a random street for cushy buses . All you want to do as you careen through the darkness is sleep . The trip to Pietermaritzburg doesn 't feel like 56 miles . When you get off the bus , because you 've gone up 3 , 000 feet , it is 10 degrees colder than in Durban . I was still nervous about my hip , so I gingerly walked down the street toward the portapotties , halfway expecting my leg to buckle because maybe my hip realized what was ahead . But no , everything felt fine . We stood in what appeared to be the only line for tog ( drop ) bags ( ? ) and then went to our separate corrals . Until this point for the past few days , I 'd been doing stream - of - consciousness with Michael about my hip . It was like my security blanket of someone to talk to , to assure me that I WOULD finish the race , was gone . We said bye to each other and he headed to the C corral . I was in B . I made my way through a little group of guys trying to get in to the B corral . Not sure what that was about . This was around 5 : 15 a . m . I took a seat next to a fence and sat there in a daze . I tried to remind myself that I should run by feel and not let emotion overtake me . I remembered my fueling . Oddly , I wasn 't nervous . Just sleepy , mostly . One of my Facebook friends Richard walked by and gave me a few Clif bars . He said something about needing to get to the front of the corral . More power to him . You don 't remember the start of most races you run . It 's just people milling around . The anthem plays . The race director might say something that you can 't understand over a loud speaker . Here , you remember the start . I am not South African . In fact , this is the first race I 've been at where another anthem played . Well maybe in Erie , Penn . , they played the Canadian and United States anthems . In my corral , when the South African anthem played several groups of grown - ass men wrapped their arms around each other and swayed from side to side . And when the Shosholoza played , a woman in front of me grew more and more animated the longer it went on . These were runners , and they were great , great people . The cannon went off ( not a gun , guys , a cannon ) , and we were on our way . It was 5 : 30 in the morning , and I was running in South Africa while everyone I know was asleep . In one of those surreal holy shit this is my life and it 's weird moments , that thought occurred to me when I looked around at the stream of runners darting in to the night . What was this ? I don 't recall a ton about the first 10 miles or so . A lot of dark . A lot of houses . It was cool . Hills were starting . We came tumbling down Polly Shorts , and I knew my quads were going to have a long day . My hips , though , were not in pain . Admittedly , I was taking the downhills quite easy because I had this nightmare of cracking my hip with one wrong step down the steep declines . I kept my long sleeve shirt on for the first seven or eight miles . In any other race , this would have felt like a long time . But my breathing was not labored . My heart rate seemed fine . I felt like I was out for a nice run in the cool morning air . I ran next to a man from Lesotho for about 12 miles before we spoke to each other . He finally complemented me on my careful pacing . I don 't remember the names of anyone I talked to at this point . Knew about half of them yesterday . But this guy was wearing a yellow bib so he must have been going for his 10th Comrades and green number . There is a whole system to bib colors and numbers that is infinitely interesting and quite helpful . By the end of the race , I 'd started to really enjoy looking at bibs . The course doesn 't offer a ton of fueling options other than water , Coke ( sometimes ) and Energade , which is Gatorade but a little different . The liquids are all in plastic tubes . I enjoyed the tubes and wish America would switch to that system , though paper cups might be better for the environment . The tubes were really easy to bite in to once I got the hang of it . And if I took two tubes , I could use one for drinking water and squirt another one on top of my head to stay cool . But great news . If something isn 't supplied by the course , the spectators will certainly have it . I passed so many people handing out oranges , bananas , potato chips , salted potatoes , candy bars , you name it . And the spectators genuinely know how fast you 're going and what your predicted finishing time might be . Michael had one guy tell him how far ahead of the 9 : 00 cutoff he was when he was 10 miles away from the finish line . I mean , what the hell . Through mile 26 , my pacing and fueling were pretty steady . We were approaching some bigger climbs and , worse , some legit downhills , that I was not excited about . At the drop bag checkpoint , I was talking to the volunteers telling them if they saw Michael to tell him I was doing well and looked good . But then damn it if Michael didn 't come charging up the hill . He looked great . He grabbed some stuff from his fuel bag , and we took off together . The next downhill was a little too graded for me , so he went ahead . I caught up to him a few miles later . Then he caught me again shortly after that . My hip still wasn 't bothering me , but I took the downhills easy . Somewhere around the 40th mile , the course goes straight down . For about three miles . No rest . No slightly flat stretches . Nope . Just straight down at a 6 percent grade . These kinds of hills are lots of fun to run down when you have fresh legs or when there 's some variation in terrain like on a trail . Straight down in the blazing sun on pavement is no fun . Anyway , I walked some of this portion . At the bottom of the crappy downhill , I stopped to ask a spectator to tie my shoe because my laces kept hitting my ankle . I grabbed a handful of potato chips and some water from his table and told him he 'd pretty much saved my race . He had . Past mile 45 , I started counting down miles . The markers at Comrades are kilometers and they count down , not up . So I was trying to do all kinds of mental math about how far I was from the finish in terms my exhausted brain could understand . So 20K is 12 . 5 miles , so like . Like 17K is how long ? When I started doing that , I hit another uphill section that was too steep to run at that point . The hills in this course are not to be taken lightly . I tried to compare them to anything I know . Hurricane Point ? Like 12 climbs like that . Or the hill on Harvard that I run up almost every day ? It 's like that but five times as long and steeper . And hot . More hill training next time . When I realized I was close to the finish , near the 3K mark I guess , I decided I could stand to accelerate a bit . My legs wouldn 't move that fast but they still had a bit of turnover in them . And once we entered downtown Durban the streets became streets , not mountains . I could finally see the Hilton , which I knew was next to the stadium finish line . I picked it up a bit . With 2K to go , I wondered whether I would get super emotional at the finish . Probably too exhausted to cry that much . Comrades finishes with a lap around the inside of a stadium . It 's something you remember , almost like coming down Boylston . There also is a strict 12 - hour cutoff . So you could have , say , entered the stadium but not made it quite to the finish line , and the finish line could just close . Think about that . You 've been running since 5 : 30 in the morning . It is now dark . And you are within shouting distance of the finish line , and that thing closes . Bull shit . That 's the rule . The last stretch of the course is on grass in this stadium and damn , it feels great on your feet . I kept walking through the chute to find Michael , who 'd finished in 8 : 52 , and I grabbed my rose , my medal and my Comrades patch . We hung out for about 30 minutes and then caught a cab back to the hotel . The hotel staff had tuned our television to marathon coverage for us . We looked at each other and had a " holy shit , we did that thing we said we 'd do " moment . Then we drank some beer . After what I calculate to be about three years of nearly non - stop training where I 've pushed my body to PR at every distance , I am going to take some down time . This might mean easy miles . It might mean more rest days . On Monday , the day after I ran 56 miles through Africa , I took a two - mile walk through the city and another two - mile walk on the beach . And it was fine . This means not pushing myself before I am ready . It means listening to my body and hoping that the hip thing was a blip but being prepared to take more time than I want to for healing . Elite athletes take rest days . They take down time and come back stronger . Now , I 'm not saying I am an elite . But they know what works . So onward to fall marathons . Onward to more long - distance racing . And onward to being healthier , happier and in a better position by the time I get to Tahoe the third Sunday in August . FacebookTwitterEmail Posted on May 31 , 2016June 5 , 2016Categories races , training5 Comments on Race Review : Comrades Marathon Race Review : Cowtown Ultramarathon I 've been away a few months . Training takes time and energy , and writing takes time and brainpower , and working on caucuses and primary nights and through Super Tuesday as a project manager in a real live newsroom takes a lot of time . But here I am on the other side of a bunch of hard work with a shiny new 50K road PR , legitimately pleased with my training and racing so far this year . I sat down to write a post about how oddly well my training was going in early February , but I scrapped it . First , I 'm superstitious , and I didn 't want to jinx a good training season by acknowledging that I was making progress . I 'd written virtually the same post about a year earlier . The paces that were amazing to me then seem like my normal fast runs now . The post I wrote about being ecstatic to work in one 90 - mile week seems like it was ages ago , but it 's really only been 18 months since I hit that first peak . I 'm now stacking up multiple 90 + weeks to train for ultramarathons . I 've changed my training to take easy days absurdly easy , pace - wise . Instead , I started using a heart rate monitor to keep my training in the 130 to 140 bpm zone on easy days . And I continued my strengthening and stretching routine from my hamstring injury in the fall , so I 've maintained glute , hamstring and core strength that I think has kept any new injuries away . I consider most of 2016 so far to count as a gradual buildup toward the Boston Marathon where I 'm hoping to break 3 hours . On the right day , I 've got that . For now , I 'm pushing Comrades to the back burner but maintaining a legitimate mileage base while I work on speed . I would like to run well at Comrades too , but that 's not this year 's " A " race . I know I 'm physically capable of covering the distance but that it might mentally wreck me without some longer runs . But if I have to choose one thing to focus on , it has to be sub - 3 in April . To continue to build mileage and work on time on my feet , I ran the Goofy Challenge in Walt Disney World in January . The goal there was to have fun , relax and put in a bunch of miles . I ran my slowest marathon and half marathon times in years , in costume ( ! ) , in the heat at 5 a . m . Neither race was meant to be fast . I did nothing resembling a taper , and I walked around the Magic Kingdom until 10 : 30 the night before . But over the weekend I certainly got in a lot of time on my feet . After putting in 89 weeks the week of the Goofy Challenge , I dialed back the mileage the following week for a mini recovery . To build toward Cowtown and to build a base for Boston , I put in four more 90 + - mile weeks . And in December I met a new running buddy who has helped push me to run faster earlier in the morning than I 'm used to . She has helped me build that tired - leg speed as well , I 'm sure ! Two weeks out I tried a legitimate taper leading up to Cowtown . The race was important to me , and I wanted it to go well . I didn 't want to run it on tired legs like I 'd run Austin on much the same training schedule in 2015 . So I ran a trail half marathon at a moderate pace , though not all out , eight days before Cowtown and put in one nice hilly workout the Tuesday before the race . Then I did several easy runs and one steady run over the last few days . I didn 't doubt my training or the taper , and I felt entirely ready leading up to the race . My huge stretch goal going in to this race was to break the course record . With two elite athletes running ahead of me , I knew I wouldn 't win the thing . The course record was 3 : 54 : 20 . On the right day in great conditions , I could break that . If I didn 't go out too fast , I at least had a shot . Plus there was a cash prize for breaking the record . I came up with a plan - decided to stick to 7 : 20 pace to leave room for tangent - running errors or late - race bonking . I would need 7 : 32 pace to break the record . Even if I didn 't break the record , I was sure to PR at the 50K because it was on a road . It would have to be faster than the 5 : 09 I ran in North Carolina last year . On Sunday morning , I drove to the start from Mom 's house , did a quick jog to the line - free ( ! ) portapotties , and then found a spot inside on the floor of the expo building to relax and stay out of the wind until the start . Conditions were not ideal . It was already in the low 60s with winds gusting to 20 mph . I relaxed inside and then jogged out to the first corral with about five minutes until the gun went off . I 'd run the marathon here twice before , so I knew where I was going . The first corral was a bit crowded , but I edged my way toward the middle of the starting pack . The gun went off at 7 a . m . My first mile was a little fast on the downhill , and yes , it was hard to hold back all that taper energy . But damn it if I didn 't knock off consistent 7 : 20 miles . The miles seemed to come to me . There wasn 't a struggle to get there . The wind was pushing me along , and the pace felt remarkably easy . People were kind of passing me at the start . Everyone seemed to go out too fast . I stuck with my pace , even on the uphills , drawing from the fact that I could go much faster than 7 : 20 . About a mile before the half marathon turnoff , I started talking to a guy from Ireland who was going for a 1 : 35 half marathon time . He was right on pace . He was great company , but when I start talking , I run faster than I should . We pushed the pace to 6 : 40 , which , yes , felt good , but , no , was not in my plan . He turned off to run the half course , and I kept going . I was alone here , but I knew if I kept the pace consistent , I could probably hold it for a while . The 3 : 10 pace pack was just ahead of me . At this point , what was a pleasant tailwind turned into an awful headwind . Still , I maintained my pace into the wind and up the hills . The temperature was climbing , and I started to take a Powerade ( to drink ) and a water ( to dump on my head ) . Then some amazing angel from heaven handed me a damp blue towel around mile 14 . This thing was like my security blanket . I dipped it in water . I sweated all over it . I might have waved it around a little bit . I 'm carrying it in all my pictures . Most of the middle miles of this race are blurry . I ran through neighborhoods where the roads were severely slanted . Maybe they weren 't that slanted in reality , but I had a hard time discerning where to put my feet . I didn 't specifically hallucinate anything , but I think the roads couldn 't have been that slanted there . Things were a little blurry as I continued to pass people and meander along between water stops . Still I held my pace . A woman on a bike kept hanging out near me . Then I realized HOLY SHIT she 's WITH ME . She had a sign on her back that said something about third place ultra woman . People started telling me I was in third in the ultra . Ran some more . Held my pace . Ate salt tabs and GU right on schedule . I ate a banana , so I know I 'm at least still fine at taking in solid foods . I made a 20 - second pitstop ( I timed it ) and tried to sing to myself to keep myself from freaking out too much or cramping . I finished the marathon portion in 3 : 11 . That would be good enough for 11th female in the marathon if I 'd stopped . It would have been faster than my stupid Hartford Marathon time from the fall . But I didn 't stop . The last part of the race is quite clear . Once we made it to the Trinity Trail around 22 miles in , I knew where I was , basically , because Michael and I ran that part of the course in December . In December I didn 't know we were running the course , but when the race turned on to the path , it was instantly clear that some part of the course would be windy . In December , we had tailwinds and headwinds coming off the flat land and the water on a day that wasn 't specifically windy . On race day , there were gusts from all directions and some fun bugs and mosquitoes blowing in the gusty wind . The day was still heating up , and my pace started to fall off . In my head , I was trying to figure out how much longer until the turnaround and how much longer I needed to hold my pace . I went through two water stops where I had to come to a complete stop to pick up water because the volunteers weren 't paying attention . When I came back through after the turnaround , I yelled out , maybe in a slurred way , " Powwahryayyde ! " and someone handed me Powerade . Honestly , that 's my only complaint about this race . The volunteers were great for the most part . The crowds were supportive in the right parts . I would have loved a day that was about 20 degrees cooler , but hey , what can you do ? Once the course joined back up with the full marathon course , I breathed a sign of relief . With a few miles to go , I always start counting down the portions left in Yasso 800s . You know how fast I can normally run an 800 ? Knowing that I can string just a few more of those together gives me some kind of mental trick to piece out the last part of the race . I rounded the last two corners to finally see the finish line . My pace had dropped with the wind and fatigue in the last few miles , but around mile 29 , I knew if I could just keep a decent pace , I would beat the record . The finish line stretch was a little rough . My legs started talking to me , telling me they were starting to get tired and that maybe another GU or salt tab would have been a good idea . I powered through the last few hundred feet , which were cruelly a little bit uphill . I crossed the finish line in 3 : 53 : 40 , beating the course record by 40 seconds . But hey , a course record is a course record , right ? A volunteer flagged me down and told me they were holding an awards ceremony . I 've won recreational , small - scale races , but I 've never been flagged down at a major event . The elites were hanging out and talking about the course . I felt out of place , but then when I started talking to such friendly people , I thought you know what ? Maybe the fact that I 've had a podium finish three weeks in a row says my training is going well . I should enjoy this . Here 's a writeup of the event . The woman who won is a complete bad ass who actually would have won the marathon if she 'd stopped . This was her first 50K . She won the Cowtown 5K the day before . Recovery this week so far has been a dream . I took Monday easy , but I was happy enough with a decent pace on Tuesday . I don 't want to jump back in to speedy stuff yet , and my legs are still not quite back , especially after not getting enough sleep this week with work duties . But I 'm easing back in to the big miles and hard efforts that will position me for a strong marathon performance this spring . I have to think this race was one more building block to get me ready for longer road races . I stuck to a pace , I handled pain , and I hit the time I needed . Can 't ask for more than that . I will most likely drop from the Rock ' n ' Roll USA full marathon to the half . When I registered for the Rock ' n ' Roll race , I don 't think I looked at a calendar . It 's just 10 days from now and way too close to Cowtown for me to run it well . Still I 'll get in lots of big miles next week to keep building up . I reread my post from about two years ago - last time I was injured before the Philadelphia Marathon - and I tried to spot some trends . Too many races ? Yep . Too close together ? Yep . Running like a bat out of hell because the weather is so beautiful and I 'm so happy and it 's fall wheeee ? Yep . So if I stack a bunch of races up and don 't adequately rest between them , you 're saying I might get hurt ? Gosh . I 'm an idiot . Let 's pick up 10 days ago when I last posted about my revised Marine Corps goals . I was going to have fun and run smart and do all that feel - good stuff . In the next week , I proceeded to run 80 miles . They were 80 fast - ish , fun miles that I cranked out because I loved being able to put my taper rested legs to good use . For the weekend I cleared it with my coach to run a few more miles than we 'd originally planned . On Saturday I kept the paces quick for a 16 - miler , and I built a ton of confidence that I could still hold marathon pace . Felt like a million bucks . On Sunday instead of my planned 12 - mile easy run , I did 15 at a decent pace and mixed in some trails . And I pushed the pace with a group running along Beach Drive . That felt great , but my hamstring was a little wonky by the end . Something was a little off . On Monday I stuck to my taper plan . Go me . On Tuesday , my plan was to run 10 miles ( Ten - Mile Tuesday ) with four super quick , 30 - second pushes . The run started fine . Going fast . The first two pushes were OK . The third push was not OK . The fourth push wasn 't much of a push . Hmm . I kept running for about three more miles , my pace gradually slowing . I stopped to try to stretch . When I started running again , I felt an odd pain in my wonky hamstring . Nope . I ran / walked the two miles to get home and then started freaking the eff out . My friend Sara is a saint and recommended an acupuncturist who might be able to patch me up for the race . He got me in at 8 a . m . this morning . When he was working on me , he told me he " could just tell " I was fast . That made me want to cry . I used to feel fast . Last week I was able to pound out bunches of marathon pace miles like a boss . Sigh . After the acupuncture session , both of my legs feel much better than yesterday or even Sunday when the hamstring started to feel a little off . Plus I feel like I 've been run over by a train . I 'm physically drained and cranky as hell . When I got home , there was an envelope in the mail . I got some gift certificate from the Georgetown Running Company for an 8K that I apparently won the age group award for back in June . I thought back to the race and how good I felt . Then I started to cry like a goddamn idiot . So new plan . Lots of deep breaths between now and Sunday . This week was supposed to be a taper week , so my mileage isn 't too far off from where it would otherwise be . I 've been on the verge of tears most of the day because I hate uncertainty and I hate not running . And I really hate not running in the fall . But if I can pull off a marathon on Sunday without injuring myself and without DNFing , I will have performed some kind of voodoo miracle comeback that I so far haven 't had to pull out in my short running career . These posts are the ones I 'll look back on when I 'm faster and stronger and I 'll say , " See , Amanda . See where this series of setbacks got you ? You should be happy you are where you are today because without those little blips , you 'd never know how good you have it . " FacebookTwitterEmail Posted on October 21 , 2015October 21 , 2015Categories training Three weeks to go We 're coming up on that critical part of the training cycle when I just might screw up all the hard work and high mileage I 've put in . I get antsy about a few big goal races every year . This year 's goal race is the Hartford Marathon , and I 'm already wondering about my training . The good news is I start to get squirmy about my training every time , so this is nothing new . The bad news is it seems to be happening earlier with this race . FacebookTwitterEmail Posted on September 18 , 2015Categories training1 Comment on Three weeks to go The worst runs only make you stronger I 'm training for my first 50 - miler and two fall marathons right now . Those things don 't go together , really , but I 'm trying to make speed and mileage play nice together in some kind of masochistic training plan . It 's been sickeningly rewarding to pound out marathon - pace miles and feel myself getting faster in summer 's most humid days . In practice , my plan has me trail running and long running and longtrailrunning and doing speed work over and over again . Add in lots of healthy eating and drinking and foam rolling and being tired like I haven 't been tired before - both mentally and physically - and then rebounding in time to put in more fast miles . The training plan was working great on vacation . Michael and I went to Portland and Tahoe . We got engaged ON A RUN in Forest Park . I had access to beautiful trails , loads of recovery time , eight hours of sleep every night . Perfection . But coming home around midnight on Sunday last week was a doozy . The week started with jet lag and two consecutive nights of five hours of sleep . At work , we had the biggest product release I 've been part of on Wednesday , and I had a 5K race on Thursday . Came in first female and fourth overall ! But that meant my legs were less than fresh for any long - running . By the time I made it to the start of what was supposed to be a 25 - mile trail run on the Appalachian Trail on Saturday morning , I was already beat . When Dan proposed this route , I warned him I 'd be slow . I 'm a pretty cautious trail runner to start , but factoring in the planned 6 , 600 feet of climbing we 'd be doing , I wouldn 't be going quick at all . This run was supposed to be about moving forward at a comfortable pace for 25 miles . I 've done that , what , 50 times at least probably . Usually on roads and definitely without so much climbing . But sure . The run started off in a fairly sane place . A gravel road dumped us out on to a trail that seemed not too steep or technical . I started to kind of get into a groove . The climbing started . I was fine . I was running / jogging / hiking . I kept climbing . Still fine , but I was behind my group . That was fine . They could wait . Then around mile 7 , when the first downhill part started , I started to cruise downhill . Felt pretty good . But I lost my footing and ate it . I bruised my left leg pretty bad and , worse , reopened a gash on my elbow that I got trail - running in California that was just starting to heal . That fall really shook me up . My legs weren 't fresh , I felt terrible for dragging the group down to my hiking / jogging pace , and we ended up cutting the 25 - miler down to 20 . We did see a bear on the run . So there 's that ? By mile 12 , I was in tears for the second time , with my elbow wrapped in my tourniquet Buff , blubbering nonsense and feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I even run . I vowed to drop out of the 50 - miler . I took that back . I vowed to never run trails again . Took that back . Definitely vowed to do a make - up run on Sunday if my legs would cooperate at all . I vowed to find better shoes with bigger lugs and come back to conquer this stupid thing some day . The trails became more runnable again , but I was cautious and mad . I fell down again but landed on my ass that time . I fell again and landed on my hand , not bad . I 'm getting better at falling . My trail - running group ( of two ) was fine with a shorter run , or they said they were . Writing about it now , I 'm still pissed at myself for dragging us down . I feel the way I felt when I started running trails - like I should just give up because I will never be good at it . That feeling will pass , and I 'll get better at this part of it . Technical trails are simply my biggest weakness right now . On Sunday , I dusted myself off , put bandages over my scrapes and bruises , put on my road - running clothes and headed out the front door . For the first three miles , I worked through Saturday and convinced myself I could actually run , damn it . By the time I crested the hill to Mount Pleasant at the end of 19 steady miles , everything had clicked back in to place . It felt normal and right and like home . I put in 101 total miles last week . That 's one of those hard - fought high - mileage weeks I 'll gladly take , even if it wasn 't pretty . FacebookTwitterEmail Posted on September 2 , 2015September 2 , 2015Categories training5 Comments on The worst runs only make you stronger The beginning of long training runs On Saturday I turned a corner in my running life . I ran a 50K training run . I 'm not sure what I was expecting when I started . I thought about the long , long run off and on for most of the week . What would I eat ? What would I wear ? Should I carry water ? A handheld or backpack ? How many gels ? Would I make it the whole way ? Where would I run ? Would I have to walk ? Maybe it would be just five more miles than I 'd ever run before - not a huge deal . It might just feel a little longer . I 've been running between 85 and 95 miles weekly this spring and summer , including two marathon - distance training runs the first two weeks of June . My base is definitely strong enough to go longer . I 'm pleased with the effort , and I can say I finished with a giant , goofy smile on my face . Michael ran the first 20 or so miles with me , which kept my mind off the task at hand . My pace was consistent - between 8 : 49 for the first mile and 8 : 03 for the 28th mile for 8 : 23 per mile overall . This is slower than my normal long run pace , which is in the 7 : 45 range , but with a goal to just finish , I can 't complain . And I learned a few things about how I deal with longer distances . First of all , I have to figure out why my toes aren 't happy and solve this blister situation . For the first 14 miles , we had a steady , light rain . My Adidas shoes that actually worked well for three hours in the pouring rain in Boston tended to create pockets of humidity around my feet for this run . They 're the most ventilated shoes I have , but I think I need to look in to alternatives . I 'm wearing lightweight Balega socks that have never given me problems before , but I still end up with soggy toes . Another lesson I learned the hard way around mile 28 ? I need to start eating solid food . Even though solid food sounds completely unappetizing in the middle of a hot , stinky run , I could have used more in my stomach . The four GUs and two Clif shot blocks I had weren 't cutting it . I felt a little lightheaded past the marathon point . Maybe it was just a mental block . I also probably should have eaten more than a banana and a half cup of coffee before the run . Guess I need to wake up earlier so my stomach has time to settle if I 'm going to eat more . The most surprising thing from this first longer effort is how completely wiped out I felt for the rest of the day . I was home by 11 a . m . , and I felt like I 'd been running all damn day . By 3 p . m . , I wanted to go to sleep , but I had this endorphin - fueled , wired thing going on , so I couldn 't nap very well . Physically , I felt like I 'd run a kind of easy marathon - sore but I could still walk down steps without much wincing . The main difference for me between 26 and 31 is the mental drain . That 's what I need to train to push through . Finally , another interesting quirk came in the form of some pretty vivid hallucinations . I haven 't had to run through this level of euphoric , fuzzy just - put - one - foot - in - front - of - another since the St . George Marathon last year , when I think I was probably dehydrated and I saw the road start to kind of melt . The two things I saw during this run were rainbows and a bird . The rainbows were flashing by my head on both sides as I ran down Beach Drive . Going by my head like really fast cars . But just by my head , not by my whole body . At the same time I felt like I was running with rocket shoes . Looking back at my Garmin data , this was my fastest mile . Then at mile 29 , I looked down at the ground and saw a dead blackbird . " Hmm . That 's not a good sign , " I thought . Then I blinked , turned away , turned back , and the dead bird was gone . So . It probably wasn 't there ? Then I got in my head and decided that seeing a dead bird and then having it disappear was also not a good sign . I drank some more water a quarter mile later and felt good through the end of the run . But man , that bird . I have a 50K race in 10 days in North Carolina . There , the goal is to finish at an OK pace ( maybe between 7 : 45 and 8 : 30 ? ) and to work on my fueling and blister / soggy feet issues some more . Oh and not to see phantom dead animals because that 's a little weird . I will have a trial and error period for a while before I get this long run thing right , but I 'll definitely figure out what works before Comrades . FacebookTwitterEmail Posted on July 15 , 2015July 15 , 2015Categories training2 Comments on The beginning of long training runs A Few New Goals for Recovery Week For the first time in years ( years ! ) , I had a week without a training plan . Aside from my traditional ten - mile Tuesday run , I had nothing on my calendar . I indulged in a few treats early this week : pizza , cookies , ice cream . But after a few indulgences , I decided I really wanted to go easy . After eating fairly well for a while , I have kind of lost any cravings for really fattening food . My coach said to just have fun this week and to take it easy . In the absence of a plan , I had time to think about my goals for the summer through to my next big marathon attempt . Here they are , in no order . Return to physical therapy : I came off Big Sur with a touch of knee soreness . That 's new . My quads and calves were pretty tight after two marathons in a week , so I 'm guessing my knees are taking on extra work . Multiple flights and lots of sitting didn 't help . My running mechanics need a tune up if I 'm going to put in high mileage through the summer . I 'm sure I need to stretch more , and I certainly need more hip and core strength . My physical therapist an help with that . Try group runs : Shakeout runs before marathons are some of the most personally enriching experiences I have all year . The time seems to pass quickly , and I get to talk to new , interesting people while I run . D . C . has tons of running groups . One of them will probably be a good fit , right ? I tried a Pacer 's group run on Saturday , which had the benefit of being slow enough to keep me from overdoing it this week . I don 't think I 'll return to run with this group because the pace was a little slower than I 'd prefer , but I 'll find one that sticks . More trail running : I 've resolved to put in more trail miles in the past , and I know more miles on softer surfaces will help reduce my risk of injury . I need to hold myself accountable this time . Maybe a trail run every other week to start . To get this started , I went for my first trail run in many months today . Learn to carry water : We have a 50K fire road / trail ultra coming up in July . It 's going to be hot . I need to figure out fueling and try out water bottles . Maybe backpacks too . I hate carrying things , so this is going to be tricky . I know 80 miles is a lot for an easy week , but I had a lot of fun . I ran slower than normal . I went out for short , relaxing runs when I felt like it . I started chipping away at my goals . Got in some nice hill work , too . In a few weeks , I 'll be ready to start working toward the big October goal . My mileage took a decent step down last week from 95 to 80 miles , and it will go down again for the next week . For the past week , I 've had a nice feeling the past three months of training are starting to snap in to place . My legs are cooperating , and I 'm hitting my pace for every workout . I 've banked a bunch of hard miles and long runs . Now is the time to concentrate on not screwing up the seven days between now and Boston . To build a little more confidence ahead of two big races , I set a few PRs in the Cherry Blossom 10 - Miler yesterday . The course was shortened by a half mile because of an incident before the race , but I still set a few new PRs of my own for the 5K ( 19 : 33 ) , 10K ( 39 : 30 ) and 15K ( 59 : 57 ) . And I blew away my 6 : 36 pace goal with a 6 : 26 average per mile . I 've felt more energized over the past week than at any other time during the training cycle . Even after a rainy 15 - miler through the cherry blossoms last Wednesday , my legs still felt like they could have kept going for at least 10 more miles . I also have concentrated on eating a little healthier this month . I 've cut out most sweets and have tried to limit myself to one glass of wine a day or nothing at all . So it looks like I 'll start Boston at my goal weight and with many more miles and hard workouts than I 'd ever thought I could run . FacebookTwitterEmail Posted on April 13 , 2015April 13 , 2015Categories trainingTags B2B B2B Training Ramp Up : Three 90 + - mile Weeks The last three weeks of training have really kicked my ass . I can 't remember a time when I was ever so excited about running and exhausted at the same time . These three weeks aren 't the highest - mileage weeks I 've ever put in ( they 're close ) , but each one has included at least one hard workout . Those hard workouts make a huge difference . They 're the reason I can 't wait to head out the door most mornings , and they 're the reason I 've started sleeping eight hours a night . Now that most of the hard training is done , for the first time in my running life , I 'm looking forward to a taper . Maybe I wasn 't running to my full potential before , so I wasn 't ever really tired enough to want a long taper . But after yesterday 's final long run and after a nice brunch , I came home , sat down on the couch , and felt that warm , completely drained , buzzy feeling . That 's what the training is supposed to do . My legs need some time to recover before three hard races . And I 'm excited to let that happen . Michael and I were both tempted to stay home and work all weekend , but we decided to get away for a nice overnight trip to Richmond . I got great advice for a potential long run route , and Michael drew a makeshift map . Off we went down Monument Ave . and along some trails . This was my second long run for the weekend , and I was happy with the time on my feet . The day before the Richmond run , I went out for 16 miles with five at half marathon pace . That ended up being 6 : 53 , 6 : 56 , 6 : 51 , 6 : 37 , 6 : 37 . This run was a huge confidence builder because I 'd just run a half marathon the week before and wasn 't sure if my legs were back yet . Session 3 : 5K time trial with 6 : 29 , 6 : 24 , 6 : 26 miles . And on this particular Tuesday , I ended up running 22 . 5 miles total . That day was ridiculous . I ran my favorite loop around D . C . , Virginia and Maryland , through some nasty wind . The last four miles were around 7 : 00 pace , despite some nasty gusts . This run lets me know I can push the pace after mile 20 in a few weeks . This run legitimizes the idea that the I 've improved my fitness in the past three months . With a head wind through the first half and a great tail wind pushing me in the last miles , I ended up running 20 miles at 7 : 21 pace . The week before Boston last year , I ran 14 miles at 7 : 35 pace and felt like I was really peaking out .

It took about half an hour to drive to the mall Rachel had selected . As with my trip to her house , no one seemed to notice me sitting in the car wearing a bra under my t - shirt . Initially , there was no conversation between us . The car was quiet , and Rachel was busy navigating the roads to the outer loop interstate she wanted . This took only about ten minutes of the trip . I thought about it . " Yes , ma ' am . I 'm excited . I 'm also scared . I 'm realizing that you 're going to parade me through this mall and into shops . " It was true . I was thinking about that and feeling very uneasy about what could happen : the stares , the smirks , the laughter , and even the ridicule I might be in for . " That 's absolutely right , Rick . And you are going to act like this is a normal part of your life . For the next month , it will be a normal part of your life to be exposed in this fashion to the reactions of others . I don 't want any holding back on your part . This is what you asked for . I 'm looking forward to taking you to some stores that should be able to fit you in some decent , or indecent , clothes . " When I park , you are to get out and follow me into the mall and into any shops I choose to enter . You will stay with me at all times unless I turn you over to one of the shop assistants . If one of them will see you alone , you will go with her for your fitting , and you will do whatever she tells you to do as if I were telling you . If anyone doesn 't want to work with us on your clothes , we will leave together and find another store . But you will always smile and be polite and courteous . " " Yes , ma ' am . Thank you , ma ' am . " This was going to be awful . I just knew it would be . Just as I knew that I was rock hard with no foreseeable way to calm myself down . I just hoped any of the helpers I was given over to would not scream at the sight of a hard cock . " Come along , boy , " she said as she started for the door . I scurried to catch up . We made a disparate pair : she was dressed like a respectable woman in light blouse , beige skirt , hose , and sensible but fashionable shoes . I looked like . . . I 'm not sure ; I think an aging dyke , at least from a distance . Up close , I 'm sure I looked like a poor excuse for a transvestite . No self - respecting cross - dressing man would look like so incompletely transformed . She stopped at the door , and I knew it was for me to open for her , which I did . She breezed past me to stop at one of those large information maps , which she proceeded to study as if looking intently for the way to her destination . I suspected she was just showing me off , and I fully expected to be slow - walked the length of this place and back , as well as stopping at as many places as she wanted to stop . Meanwhile , I had to stand by her side as if everything was normal . There were people around , walking to and from their cars or going in or out of the small shops in this entrance area of the mall . There was a games arcade with younger people congregating around it , and across the way there was an ice cream shop that sold cones and shakes and such . Many people of various ages and no one seemed to have noticed me at all . Wait , there was a woman of about thirty . I saw her casual glance , then I saw the double - take look . Our eyes met , and she looked away as if ashamed for looking . That was a surprise . Was she embarrassed for me ? Or was she embarrassed that I saw her looking ? Yet aside from her momentary reaction , I was getting nothing . From a distance , no one seemed to see anything out of the ordinary . I was relieved . Then , to my surprise , I felt disappointed . I had feared just this situation of being out in public and being ridiculed for my attire . Now I wasn 't getting more than the occasional , well rare actually , second glance . It felt like a come down , a big time downer . I moved to catch up with her . " Yes , ma ' am . Thank you , ma ' am . " She surprised me with her walking speed . I had expected a long drawn out leisurely stroll , but Rachel was moving with purpose toward a specific destination . About halfway down the center corridor of the mall , we came to the place Rachel was looking for , a fair sized women 's clothing store advertising " Fashions For the Full Figured Woman . " At 6 ' 1 " and 210 lbs . , I think I 'm an average size American male , but I guess that would make me more of a large woman than otherwise . So the choice made sense . I would soon find out how people here would feel about me being here . I didn 't even have to guess that this would be embarrassing . Rachel made straight for the lingerie desk . We had to pass most of the displays for bras , panties , slips , and such . Mostly I saw light shades : white , beige , light blue , but there were some bright colors , too . Anna had been watching us approach , and I thought I saw the hint of a smile on a rather pleasant face . She was wearing a nicely styled blue business suit , no doubt from the store 's stock , and she had an ample bosom to hold up her nameplate that identified her . But it was obvious to me that Rachel knew her . " I can 't complain , Rachel honey . " Anna had a rather brassy voice that carried easily . " Well , I could complain , but who would listen ? " Then in a louder voice , " Is this the gentleman you were telling me about this morning ? " " Yes . Anna , this is Rick . He needs some bras and panties that fit him appropriately . As you can see , he fancies himself well - endowed in the rack . " Anna looked me up and down slowly . " Yes , I can see that . " She pointed at her own bosom . " I 'm sure we can find some items that will work . And you say he wants to be embarrassed as we do this ? " The way her voice carried , I wished I could just melt into the floor . There were other customers in the store on this Saturday afternoon , and I was sure they were looking our way now even though I dared not look . I tried to smile sheepishly through my increasing blush . I was feeling hot , blushing so much . Anna came around the counter chuckling to herself . " Rachel , you wouldn 't believe the men who come in here ' shopping for their wives ' , " she added air quotes . They blush so nicely . Funny that all of them have ' wives ' who are about their size in the chest . " She turned me to face her directly , staring into my eyes . I tried to stare back , but broke easily . " Does he have a special name for this excursion ? " Rachel thought for a bit . " No , Rick is a different case , I believe . He doesn 't want to dress as a woman completely . He just wants to look like a guy wearing a bra in public . It turns him on . I suppose we could call him ' boy ' while he 's here so there 's no confusion about what he is . " " Well , are you a slut boy who can 't say no ? A queen ? A tease ? How do you see yourself at this moment ? It makes a difference how I dress you . " How did I want to describe myself ? I hadn 't considered that . After thinking for a bit , I turned to Rachel . " Ma ' am , how would you describe me ? I think that would be most appropriate , if you agree . " Rachel smiled . " Very good answer , Rick . Anna , he 's a slut boy who can 't say no . " " Oooh , good , " Anna said , clapping her hands . " I like slut boys who can 't say no . " She turned to Rachel with her own version of the wicked smile . " Does that apply to me ? " Oh shit , I thought . I was going to be servicing Anna , at least . And here in the store , no doubt . But before that , I was going to be very embarrassed . Oh , God , what have I gotten myself into ? Anna took a step back , surprised by the loudness of my voice . Rachel stepped in . " Who are you to question anything ? You agreed to do whatever I or anyone else said . You will NOT embarrass me . You WILL do as you are told , or else , and you know what that means . " I hung my head in shame and embarrassment . It didn 't seem possible , but I had just made my situation worse . Just how much worse I didn 't yet know . " You don 't HAVE a head , " Rachel said . She was righteously furious with me . " Now get on your knees and apologize to my friend here . Then do as you are told . " All eyes were on me as I pulled my shirt over my head , revealing my stuffed blue bra for all to see . Even before I got the shirt all the way over my head , I heard the applause and the laughter . I was mortified . I didn 't think it could get any worse , when it did . I could feel my jaw drop . I thought I might pass out , but I got myself together quickly and said , " Yes , ma ' am . Thank you , ma ' am . I 'm sorry , ma ' am , " as I scrambled to my feet on top of the counter for all to see . The applause rose once again . I turned and began tugging my bike shorts down , stopping a couple of times to keep the panties from coming down with them . The applause turned to cheers and raucous comments from the various women in the shop . I could also see people coming in from the mall to see what all the shouting was about . There I stood in my deep blue bra and matching panties with my shorts around my feet . Oh , and of course my cock was poking my panties out obscenely . Everything was in play . I did as I was told . That 's when I saw the camera flashes from all around as everyone wanted to be the first to post my shame to the Internet . Well , I may have just screwed myself over royally , and I had no one to blame but myself . As I stood there waving like a idiot , I resolved to keep my mouth shut unless it was required to be open . Somewhere between two minutes and a week later , I was allowed to climb down from my perch . Anna turned to the crowd and said , " Show 's over , folks . Hope you enjoyed it . Feel free to look around , but no more picture , okay ? " She turned to Rachel . " I hadn 't expected all of that . I hope it doesn 't screw up your plans . " Rachel hugged the larger woman . " Oh , Anna , I couldn 't have asked for more . He tried to embarrass both of us . He deserved what he got . " I stood silently as the women embraced . Women were wandering the racks close by , actually sneaking a look at me , but there were no more pictures . Well , I don 't know that , but I didn 't see any more flashes . " Now , " said Anna turning back to me , " Let 's take a look at what we have to work with . Stand up straight and proud , slut boy . We should always be proud of how we look . " I straightened my shoulders . " That 's better . " Finally , she turned me back to face her and Rachel . " Typical male . Even though it 's a C - cup , it 's too tight , both around the torso and in the shoulders . The shoulders are easy to fix , but it takes an extender to fix the other problem , and I hate to waste good extenders on such crummy fabric . I do like the color , though . It shows a little more imagination than the average male , whose tastes seem to run only to red or occasionally black . And the socks ! Goodness men are so unimaginative . " Of course , the socks were Rachel 's doing , but I couldn 't have done better . Besides , I knew this was a good time to be quiet and take it . " You know I can , dear . One question : Are you going to get him breast forms ? You really should . Nothing fills cups out better if you don 't really have the goods . " " That 's why I came to you , Anna . I knew you 'd know the best approach . I suppose I can get them on the Internet ? " They went behind the counter . Anna said , " I keep this section back here mostly for our ladies who have had mastectomies . It 's so hard for them to get fitted properly after their surgeries , and even though the medical people will give them something I find I can help many of them with something of a higher quality than they might otherwise get . " That 's especially true of us fuller figured types . " Anna turned her head to look at me , then turned back to Rachel . " Honey , I 've got a set that will be perfect for what you want to do to your slut boy , here . " She moved to whisper in Rachel 's ear . I saw Rachel 's eyes go wide , and I knew I didn 't like it ( and would no doubt love the humiliation of it ) . " Yes ! " cried Rachel . " That 's perfect . I 'll need six bras and matching panties . He 'll try on each to make sure you 're satisfied with fit and finish . " Anna smiled . " Take him to the room behind this wall . I 'll bring your stuff to you , shortly . " Before she left , she handed Rachel a rather large box . Rachel walked along the wall , and I followed , grabbing my shirt and shorts . I followed her through a curtain into a small room with a bench and a hanger for clothes along one wall and full - length wall mirrors on the other two wall , so one could see oneself front and side without doing more than turning the head . Despite the mirrors , in which I could not avoid seeing myself , I felt relieved to be out of the public eye . " Toss your clothes over there and strip . " As I did what she wanted , quickly being completely nude except for shoes ( somehow that felt more humiliating than being barefoot . Meanwhile , Rachel opened the box , took out two large breast forms and what had to be an instruction sheet . As I stood near one of the mirrored walls , she read the sheet front and back . Then she looked back into the box and took out a tube of something . " Yes , ma ' am . Thank you , ma ' am , " I said , automatically . I was looking at the forms . They were huge ! Double D 's at least . Geez but I was going to have a rack on me . Rachel came over and applied the adhesive liberally . " With all that hair , I need to make sure your tits will stick . " Then she very carefully lined up a breast form and pressed it on my left breast , holding it firmly and counting silently . she stepped back to look . Apparently satisfied , she did the same on the right , and stepped back again to admire her handiwork . I was amazed . If you didn 't pay attention to the hair around the rest of my chest , they looked real ; they even had nipples with brown aureola . Despite my predicament , I was impressed . And they were still huge ! " Anna thought that since you liked having a large pair , you should have an obscenely large pair . " She looked down . " I can see that little ricki likes them , too . " She grinned up at me . " Now somebody could fuck your tits and cum on your face . " That thought made me burn with humiliation . " Rick , I 'm having more fun than I thought I would . Those stories really got me going , and I realized you wanted to be the ' slut boy who couldn 't say no . ' So I thought I 'd go for it and see how much I liked it . And I 'm loving it ! " Her face turned serious . " I 'm having so much fun , I have to ask if this is meeting your expectations . This is a serious question . You 've had an awful lot . Is it too much ? " " Gawd , I 've never been so embarrassed in my life . Not even in my wildest dreams . But . . . but . . . no , dammit . I want your full treatment . Look at little ricki . I 've been hard all day , well mostly . And I 'm so horny I could probably shoot a quart ! " I paused to take a breath . I knew I was speaking the truth . I am a slut who craves this , and I didn 't want it to stop . " Thank you , ma ' am . " Anna came bustling in at that moment and stopped dead in the curtain . " Well done , Rachel . That 's one impressive set you got there . That should have him blushing for a long time . And that 's not a bad looking pecker there , If I may say so . Is he any good with it ? " " He 's quite good , " Rachel assured her . " In fact , for a man with this sort of hang up , he 's surprisingly good . " ( What the hell did that mean ? I wondered , as my cock bobbed and my blush colored my neck and the top of my chest . ) Anna dumped her load of lingerie on the bench . " Well , there 's no accounting for taste , I always say . Now , where shall we start ? " The panties were not so much fun because I kept poking out . Rachel made crude comments about how I would be arrested for indecent exposure if I walked around with my dick sticking out , which only served to further embarrass , and harden , me . I was remembering my instructions for when I came to her house for the next month . Anna thought it was all hilarious , which further embarrassed me . Eventually , they had worked their way through all six sets . I ended up wearing a hot pink set that look ridiculous on a man in his fifties with a slight paunch . Looking at myself in the mirror , I watched my cock shrivel . Perhaps I had gotten used to the situation and was no longer turned on by it . Perhaps I was used to them and their comments . Whatever the case , I tucked that once proud bit of flesh into my panties . " I don 't know , Rachel . I 'm usually dog tired by the end of the day , and I have to open tomorrow . No rest for the wicked . " " Well , anytime you want to get some relief , I 'll make Rick available . " I felt numb to this talk by now . Rachel turned to me . " Get your shirt and shorts , but don 't put them on till we pay . " She grabbed the other new sets while I got dressed and picked up my blue bra and panties and Rachel 's socks . Then we followed Anna back out into the main store and to the desk where we first met her . bytrenchantone © 2 comments / 18605 views / 3 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportNext2 Pages : 1212GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . Literotica is a trademark . No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission . Terms Of Services | Report A Problem | PrivacyUsername : Password : Forgot your password ? Security code : Change pictureYour current user avatar , all sizes : You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation . Select new user avatar : Upload and save

This week we have shifted north to Mexico , specifically Ejutla de Crespo , in Oaxaca State , down south . I like to say the word " Oaxaca " since I heard someone say it properly . It 's something like " Wahahka " . What an adorable town to Street View around , am I right ? Much less chance of being actually beheaded by drug lords than if you were really there , but unfortunately also you miss out on the chili and the riding a burro . And hearing " Dark Floyd " , the grupo musical . " You take off one metal plate and fill the whole insides with ice . Then you put the plate back on . Then it will float . And if something hits the metal and goes through the metal , you 'll still have lots of ice . " After K - mart I had half an hour to put my feet up and see the start of Day 1 of the Ashes . [ For the uninitiated , since 1877 England and Australia have played test cricket for a trophy called The Ashes . There are five matches that each go for 5 days , and the whole business happens every 2 years or so . ] Being able to watch the start of an Ashes series is pretty special - sometimes they start with a bang . This one did , with the England captain out for 0 in the first over , caught off the bowling of Ben Hilfenhaus , whose dad installed my dad 's new taps . How about that , eh ? After about 4 overs of cricket it was time for me to go over the river to watch Marcus compete in a triathalon . He was the runner in a 3 - man team , with Caleb ( cyclist ) and Ned ( swimmer ) . There were umpteen different events - with individual and team races in all age groups , girls and boys . The school sent quite a big team . The venue was Bellerive beach , and the park alongside . I didn 't realise how huge the whole thing would be until I got into Bellerive and realised that I would have to park about 10 minutes walk from the course . When I got down there it was somewhat organised chaos . There is no vantage point where you can see even a third of the course - which made it hard for the kids to concentrate on cheering on their schoolmates . The park is broken up by stands of scraggy tea - tree , and to get from one spectator spot to another you had to clamber through these , sneak across the actual track , walk through marquees and dodge impromptu games of chasings , gumnut fights etc . When it was time for their race , Marcus was pretty nervous . The race started with a swim of about 200 metres , then the swimmers ran ashore and into the " transition zone " of bike racks , and tagged the cyclist . They then had to run with their bikes to a point down the track where they were allowed to mount and pedal off , for a return journey of maybe 1 kilometre . Then they ran their bikes back in and tagged the runner , who ran uphill 500m then back downhill 500m to the finish . I think there were about 30 or 40 teams . It turns out that for the Grade 3s the swimmers really only waded - the buoys were that close to shore . Unfortunately Ned stood on one of the anchors of the buoys , and the sore foot slowed him down . He was in the last third of the field when he tagged Caleb . Off he went and Marcus went to stand by the bike rack - very nervous . By the time Caleb came back he had moved the team up one or two places . Marcus steamed off very determinedly - he has a very expressive way of running , that leaves you in no doubt he is trying very hard . The course announcer was impressed enough to say " making up lots of ground there is , er , MARCUS REES of South Hobart " . He found running uphill pretty hard , but so did everyone else . Only one boy passed him , but Marcus caught and passed him back , and about four others too , including one just before the finish line . The team came 13th , a very good result for their first attempt . I have had the last two days off , blissfully free of any mechanical farm equipment . I have still not really got the knack of enjoying these days off . There are always things that need doing that break the free time up in to small chunks . I guess it 's good to get those things done , at least . Yesterday I did some Christmas stocking - filler shopping at K - Mart . It is close to Elf 's work , so after I dropped her off it seemed like the best place to go for inexpensive instant - fun style things . I don 't go there much , and I was reminded why : K - Mart is awful . I started by trying to find an ice - cream maker , which is Elf 's request for Christmas . I covered the whole electrical goods area in vain . I hate asking for help in big shops , as in my experience the person you ask is always from a different department , and is actually less of an expert than you , as you 've just combed the area twice . I asked the nearest staff member , a quite pleasant woman , and she said she would have to check with someone . My question was " do you stock ice - cream makers ? " She relayed this to two invisible women having a whale of a time down a different aisle , unpacking stock or packing stock or something . She had to ask a couple of times to cut through the hilarity . The other thing about K - Mart ( same with Big W and anywhere else that sells $ 10 shoes ) is the plastic smell . It just pervades everything . I go there , like everyone else , to buy cheap stuff , so I can hardly complain about this . But . . . wow , it 's just SO plasticky . I wonder if at some point these places will start getting hit with class actions from people who 've worked there for years and breathed in heavy doses of poly this and ethyl that . As I went through the checkout with my lego , crayons , notepads , torches etc , everything was put in a huge , unbranded white plastic sack . As if to say " We give up . Our identity is unimportant - just remember us as ' that plastic place ' " . Some years we find ourselves at the Christmas Pageant . This year we were there with Rob , Mel , Olivia , and Colleen . Without meaning to , we have become Parade Buddies . I often find myself next to Rob making up a commentary on the Anzac Day march , or at this somewhat lame pageant in mid November , which is ostensibly about Christmas . But there are plenty of head - scratchers . Some kind of Christian youth group pranced by dressed as non - specific " heroes " with capes . Then some Star Wars characters . Rob asked me at the end - so what was your favourite ? And I was pretty stuck for an answer , so I went with the brass band that had gone by recently , wearing Boer War era spiked helmets . They were doing a kind of slightly dancy march as they played , which I thought captured the " neither this nor that " feel of the whole shebang . Their backs were straight and they were looking straight ahead but there was a bit too much knee flex and some hip swinging . But now that I think about it , my enduring favourite is the Grubby Stormtrooper . Three or four stormtroopers went past , alternately waving gaily and taking up " put your hands up " stances , aiming their stun guns at the more grown - up members of the crowd ( less likely to burst into tears ) . Three of them were all present and correct - very shiny and white . One of them looked like he had been asleep behind a shed for a month - just grubby and dusty . I have honestly never seen more than a few bits of Star Wars - so maybe someone can fill me in . Did the stormtroopers ever get grubby ? Or was there perhaps one particular ST who got around in this state ? Was he perhaps credited at the end ( just after Man Eaten By Sand Worm * ) as Soiled Stormtrooper ? Sandwich , Kent , UK . Where you will find Sandwich Mowers , the Sandwich Technology School , the Sandwich Bookshop and my favourite , The Secret Gardens of Sandwich . And just out of town along Sandwich Road you come to Ham . I have been knocking myself out to get this animation done . The whole thing runs for about 2 : 45 , and it has just taken me months to get it looking like this . I never intended the farmer to be a recognisable character at all , he was just supposed to be a shadow under a big hat bouncing along . Then I was asked to humanise him a little . Now he looks like Senator Barnaby Joyce . Our first win in three months ! We are now back in the lower division . Last week we had a close loss , but this week we did everything right , passed pretty neatly , finished off accurately , and got the result . Nice . Last week Michael was very reluctant to even do the warm up properly , but this time he joined in the swarm of kids and looked really at home . He is very confident socially and is always happy to invite himself into a group he doesn 't know . There is one boy in his age group that he knows from school , that probably helps . He competed in everything this week - I was delighted . I now have to try to keep an eye on both of them as they compete . It was easy at first the other night as they were doing jumps in adjacent sandpits . Marcus 's personal best for the triple jump was a little under 6 metres - all three of his jumps beat that easily . Meanwhile Michael was leaping amazing distances in the long jump - he came second and beat the qualifying distance for the state finals ! Michael went from there to the 70 meter sprint , which he won . He was still in his school uniform , and wearing a badge that said SPELLING LEADER . " Hmm - bit of a running leader too " said the man who handed him the timing tape ( the 1st placegetter always takes the tape from the official timer to the official recorder ) . Marcus got his first ever qualifier a few weeks back , in the walking race . He is now much more aware of qualifying standards as something to aim for . He 's about 2 metres short in the turbo javelin , but he feels like he 's got the knack now , and it might be do - able . He 's been really encouraging to Michael , and thrilled with his early success . He is quite proud of Michael generally . One of Marcus 's age group who is a bit of a loudmouth , saw Michael 's badge , and sneered " Spelling Leader ? Huh - can you spell ' idiot ' ? " Michael just replied " I D I O T " . Marcus stepped in and said " Michael - can you spell ' windscreen wipers ' backwards ? Michael did , at about the usual speed I would recite the alphabet . The loudmouth was silent . " He could do that when he was FOUR ! " crowed Marcus , triumphantly . I think everyone had a grand old time except perhaps Winston - he spent a bit of time on the chain so he wouldn 't freak out the twins . They had graduated to giving him cautious pats and then running away giggling , by the end of the evening . He was very good considering all the stimulation . What a top fella . Lately , when Lana comes over from next door to visit , she and Marcus go into his room , shut the door , and she puts on the radio . She favours a hits ' n ' memories commercial station . Wierdly , I associate the muffled sound of radio ads and Whitney Houston with car workshops . When I burst through the door to find out what they are doing , I half expect them to be degreasing an engine block or spray - painting panels . So far , no luck . I was killing time leafing through an electrical catalogue , looking at the coffee machines . DeLonghi make one that is so expensive , they are throwing in a free 60cm flat screen TV . Yes - you buy a coffee machine and they give you a TV . I only wish I was joking . Of course , it does have four different frothing settings . Fred 's room is carpeted and has less traffic noise . Unfortunately it does have quite a bit of dog - romping - on - the - deck - at - dawn - with - a - plastic - milk - bottle noise . So the hound and I have just returned from a 1 hour walk around the hills . It is now 6 . 40am . Our usual walk is up to the park behind the house , home to many rabbits . We started and finished up there this morning , and saw more than usual , due to the early hour . Winston 's relationship with the rabbits is cordial . He takes a long time to notice them . They notice him and don 't feel the need to act . If he is off the lead , he might swerve towards them a bit as he trots around , whereupon they skippity hop down a hole in a leisurely way . I imagine they 'll exchange cards at Christmas . Yesterday I had my weekly Economic Downturn Day at home . Just after everyone had left for school and work , as I was setting up Fred 's room , I suddenly heard my boss Steve 's voice . They were interviewing him on the radio about his plan for a new Tasmanian film / screen media body . It was quite strange . I half expected him to say " we have to get rid of the funding bottlenecks that have resulted in my staff spending one day a week at home tidying up their spare rooms " . This morning Michael is going to come along to Little Athletics to compete for the first time . That 's the plan , anyway . Since his escapade we are trying to make sure he gets more exercise , and engages more with other kids . Elf has been taking Marcus and Michael to tae kwon do , and they are both getting into it . So far they have learned to block . They come home on Monday afternoons , blocking the house down . POSTSCRIPT : Michael got cold feet once we arrived at Little Aths , but we made a deal that he would choose one event from the four and just do that , for starters . He chose the 100 metre dash , lined up happily when the time came , took it casually at about three - quarter pace and just missed out on first place by a nose . ( 21 . 2 sec for the record ) He was delighted and did a lot of victorious arm waving . Hopefully next week I can negotiate two events . It 's quiet on the blog . Sorry , I have been alternately busy and totally , totally drained . But in fantastic news , I have just realised that parts of Brazil are now on Street View . Such as , Ibirité , Minas Gerais state . I actually found this lovely corner using MapCrunch which throws up random locations in the nation ( s ) of your choice . We had a pretty mad day on Monday . I was at work at about two in the afternoon when Michael 's teacher rang to say he had walked home , on his own . She had spoken to him on the phone , he was safe , and the school principal was in his car on the way up there . Mrs P had noticed him missing when the bell went after lunch and asked around if anyone had seen him . One kid said something about an escape capsule - which sounds like a typical Michael make - believe lunchtime game . But he escaped alright . Mrs P was very shaken , thinking he might be hurt and maybe unconscious , around the school grounds somewhere . There is the rivulet just over the fence , and a busy road not far away . She thought to ring our home number in case one of us had taken him home . Michael answered . At first he naively said he was hiding in the school grounds . Then he said Elf was home , but he couldn 't find her . He told a number of lies . But at least he answered the phone and Mrs P knew he was in a ( relatively ) safe place . We never leave Michael at home alone , and he certainly is not allowed to walk around the suburbs on his own . I was completely flummoxed when I got the call from Mrs P . I caught a cab home and found Michael out the front with the principal Mr T . I took Michael inside and quizzed him about it . I was fairly calm - I hadn 't known he was missing until he was safely found , so I didn 't have that adrenaline that can cause you to actually spank your kid out of sheer relief that they are OK . He was also calm , and showed dismay at being caught lying , but no indication he really felt bad . I asked him to tell me how he had got home . He walked out the front of the school quite easily . There is no fence or gate . ( I actually really like the openness of the school - I would hate a culture of fear to arise resulting in high walls and security guards or ID cards ) . He had walked up the main road , staying on the safer side of the street with less big side streets to cross . He had crossed the main road up near our house , where the visibility is good . He said he watched the traffic for two minutes before crossing . When he got here he climbed in through the cat door . He has done this before and it would have been an integral part of his plan . Once in , he let Winston in , fed him ( for some reason ) , and then settled down on the couch with a book , with Winston at his feet . The very picture of the six year old contented homebody . Then the phone rang . What could we do as punishment ? He 's such a funny kid , relying on his internal resources so much . There is nothing much you can take off him or deny him , because it 's just all up here [ taps head ] . We just made him go to bed on time , rather than sit up to watch Masterchef like Marcus . He went along with it , then when I went down a little later his light was on and he was on the floor reading a book . Not examining his conscience , resolving to be a good boy tomorrow - just reading a book . I did my block at him then . On Tuesday he had to spend recess in the principal 's office as his school punishment . After recess he was extremely naughty again and was sent back to the principal , who kept him in his office over lunch . This time he had poured a lot of expensive food dye into a box , ruined the box and wasted the dye . Beside his effort the previous day , it was probably the worst thing he has done in his 3 years of school , but he got off lightly because it now seemed comparatively minor . It 's all so weird . He has obviously done the wrong thing . He said he did it for no other reason than that he doesn 't like school and he wanted to be at home . But it has to be said he did it with aplomb . He had a plan , he followed it carefully - and he did answer the phone . It could all have ended so dreadfully in so many different ways . He does really not understand the dangers , and the fears he struck in the hearts of everyone at school . And because he doesn 't understand I don 't think there 's really any remorse . Due to some minor cash flow problems , my work has opted to put everyone on a 4 day week for the forseeable future . I will not actually sit around in my pyjamas - I 'm going to try to make it a productive day at the drawing board , and I 'll still go down to school and do Chess Club . I 'll probably add a dressing gown for that , and perhaps a cravat and pipe . Losing 20 % of my work was a bit of a shock , but better than if they sacked three people , which was the alternative . If it hasn 't turned around by the end of February I will have to go back to go - go dancing in clubs . Lucky I didn 't throw out the spangly pants . This evening Hattie and Winston and I had a mammal workshop . As senior mammal I facilitated , and both the others really took on board what I was asking of them , stretched themselves , took ownership of their dog / catness and made some meaningful steps , going forward . Essentially I sat next to Hattie on the bed , Winston came over , and without them realising it I rubbed Winston 's ear with Hattie 's tail for a while . It was awesome . I guess they both thought " Hmm - that must be some other furry part of me " . Elf has an ornate silver hand mirror . I was moving huge armfuls of stuff from room to room on the weekend , and the mirror was on top of one of the armfuls . " Hmm - that 's probably not a good idea " I thought , and carried on anyway . It fell , it broke , a wide crack straight across the middle . Hooray ! I have a new exhibition that starts this Friday , October 21 . It 's called The Art of Ageing and it 's going to be at the Sydney Town Hall until Sun . . .

* Fifty years ago this year , I first embarked on my journey to become an educator . I 'm looking back on some of the memories I made along the way . 1965 1965 , the year I turned twenty , I was just beginning the upper level courses that would lead to a degree in elementary education at what was then Colorado State College . ( Now University of Northern Colorado in Greeley , Colorado ) That summer , between my sophomore and junior year , I had the very unique opportunity of working as a " trained aide " for Project Head Start in Leadville , Colorado . A young , idealistic preservice teacher I jumped at the opportunity to work in this program as a summer job . I saw the philosophy behind Head Start as one that aligned with my own belief system about the value of education and the role it played in economic opportunity . While I had never articulated my beliefs at the time in this manner , a believer in social justice , I firmly believed that it was only through education that those living in poverty would be able overcome the social and economic inequities that were found in our country at during the early sixties . Some of you may not know much about Head Start . 1965 , the U . S . Office of Economic Opportunity began the eight - week summer program that would launch Project Head Start . I was one of many tutors , aides , and teachers that were hired that summer to serve over 560 , 000 children throughout the country in this newly created program . As a refresher , I want to briefly outline the reasons why Head Start was created . It grew out of Lyndon B . Johnson 's War on Poverty , and I think it is interesting to note that it was created by the Office of Economic Opportunity . The basic premise for this program was established on the belief that education was the solution to breaking the " cycle of poverty . " It was a time when the civil - rights movement was greatly influencing education . It was thought that " government was obligated to help disadvantaged groups in order to compensate for inequality in social and economic conditions . " Head Start was to be a comprehensible program for preschool children that would meet their " emotional , social , health , nutritional and psychological needs . " I wish I had kept a journal of those days because now , nearly 50 years later , my mind is a bit fuzzy about it all . I do remember that in my youth I was idealistic about education and social reform . I had great dreams about the kind of educator I would become . As a young woman coming of age during the 60 's , I embraced the Civil Rights Movement and the " new " ideas about education , but I also respected and looked up to my mentors for their wisdom , leadership , and advice . My mentor for the summer of 1965 had also been my younger sister 's kindergarten teacher the year or two before . As a family , we already embraced Idelia B . Riggs as a gifted teacher . As I reflect back on her now , I still consider her as the consummate educator , and as one the best with whom I have had the privilege to know throughout my entire lifetime . She must have been in her sixties when I worked with her . She had taught everything from kindergarten to college . She had been the principal of a one - room schoolhouse at one point in her career . She knew what children needed to grow and to prosper educationally , emotionally and socially . She embraced the ideals behind Project Head Start and imparted them to me along with all of the reasons why she believed the program could be successful . She said that the children of poverty in the area where we lived were beginning school without the skills that other children brought to school . Sometimes , they didn 't even know how to use indoor plumbing . Yes , in 1965 , in our program in Leadville , Colorado , some of the children did not have indoor plumbing . We had to teach them how to use the bathroom facilities . Some did not receive proper nutrition at home and many were undernourished . They lagged behind their peers in knowing how to grasp a pencil or how to turn the pages of a book . Many did not know the alphabet . They did not know how to write their names . Many did not know colors or shapes . They did not have group or personal social skills . All of these needs would be met , as best they could be , by our summer pI have a vivid memory of the lunches that these children received . The government 's philosophy was that this program should have " maximum feasible participation " for success . Therefore , those who would benefit from the program , the low income population , should help plan and run their own programs . Many of the women who planned and cooked the meals were the mothers of the children . Everyday , they prepared wonderful meals . I loved the Spanish rice we had nearly everyday . Believe me , in those days the meals fed these children were good . They are nothing like the terrible meals that are put together in an off - site place and served to low - income kids these days . In the 60 's , at the Leadville Head Start , meals included not only wonderful rice , they also included great main dishes like fried chicken , and vegetables . The best part might have been fresh home baked dinner rolls or cinnamon rolls we were served daily ! Oh the agony of waiting for lunch while smelling those fresh rolls bake . Our lead teacher , Mrs . Riggs was a very practical woman who put up with no nonsense from anyone . Her character was stellar . She saw her role as an educator as one as a public servant . She was not interested in feathering her own nest or building her career . She was there for the children she taught and for the families she served . In my mind 's eye , I see her now . She is wearing the apron with plenty of pockets so she would have " a place for those tissues to wipe a child 's nose or tears , " or as a place to keep stray crayons , pencils or rubber bands that she might need while she was teaching . She believed in expecting the best behavior and performance from all kids . Patient , kind and loving , she was also demanding when it came to giving something your best efforts . We ALL learned from her . As I said , I could never have had a better mentor . Mrs . Riggs , and the ideals of Head Start , greatly influenced my philosophy of my own role as an educator . May I again express my appreciation for your top quality contribution to our Head Start program and staff . You are a genuine and capable and very personable young woman , Sally , - a credit to your fine family and the best of our American Youth . And besides , you 're just plain sweet . Fondly yours , I will always be grateful for the time I had working by Mrs . Riggs side . I also am grateful for the time I had working with groundbreaking Project Head Start during the first year of its inception . Even though I spent the majority of my career as an educator at the secondary level , children of preschool age continue to have a soft place in my heart when it comes to education . I am also grateful that I held fast to those idealistic views I held for education during the years when I first began on my journey as an educator . I often wish I could discuss today 's state of education with Mrs . Riggs . I know she would have some very strong ideas on what must happen if we are to achieve the lofty ideals that we had in the 60 's . * I originally wrote parts this post in 2009 . Parts of it were publish in the Fall 2010 issue of " The Colorado Communicator , " a newsletter for the Colorado Council International Reading Associate . Serving as co - editor for this newsletter was one of my " retirement jobs . " On March 24 , after years of irregular heart beats that never seemed to get better , a loop recorder was implanted in a very simple procedure performed by my cardiologist . Just before the procedure , I was told that this device gave the doctors very good results very quickly . Basically , the tiny little device , implanted just under the skin over the heart , is set to record those irregular heart beats that occur throughout the day in my heart . Every night , at midnight , the day 's recording was wirelessly sent from the implanted device to a receiver that situated near my bed . I felt nothing . I did nothing . The device in my body just talked to the device by my bedside . Amazing . At 8 : 00 the next morning , these reports were read by my doctor 's office . If there were any events that were life threatening , I would be notified . Of course , if I felt any of these events , I would have notified them ! For some reason , from the end of March until Easter Sunday , my symptoms just kept getting worse and worse . I had two reactions to allergy shots that caused my heart to go a bit crazy . In the evening of the day day of the second allergic reaction , thinking I was going to black out , I took my blood pressure . My heart rate was listed as 48 beats a minute . " Surely , this is a mistake , " I thought . I am the girl with the overly fast beating heart . I don 't have slow beats . As the night wore one , I became more and more faint and had readings of beats in the 30 's . My husband insisted I get to the doctor the next day . On Good Friday , I saw my doctor . He said the reports were showing that I was having a lot of events , " a lot " he emphasized . " You have beats in the 30 's , " he said . Thats a relief , thought I . I was just sure that suddenly my blood pressure machine was not working , or I was crazy . " You are showing us that you now have Tachy - brady syndrome . How do you feel ? " " I feel terrible , " was my response . I can 't function . I feel faint . I am exhausted . I 'm afraid to drive . " He thought we should treat the symptoms systemically for a little while to see if we got positive results . If not , I was told I 'd need a pacemaker . I was on the low - normal range on potassium . Knowing the potassium might help sounded reasonable . I 'd try that . I 'm not one to jump to surgery , but to be honest , I 've heard the pacemaker suggested for too many years , and I was beginning to think it was time . On Easter Sunday , after going to church , and then to a lovely brunch with my dear husband at the fanciest place in town , The Broadmoor Hotel , I again was faint and nearly blacked out . My blood pressure was very low . The exertion of the day had done me in . At 7 : 00 that evening , at the insistence of my doctor 's office , I was in the emergency room . I had a total melt down . Sobbing to the nurse , I said , " I can 't do this anymore . I am done . This has to stop . " She then told me I must calm down because in that one minute my heart had skipped 30 beats ! I calmed down . I also made a decision . I decided that I was having surgery for a pacemaker as soon as it could be scheduled . On Friday , April 10 , my good Dr . L . , my cardiologist for the past ten years , the one to whom I trust the intricacies of my heart , implanted a pacemaker . The procedure went well . It seemed to go quickly . I awoke to find my kind and supportive husband by my side . I sent him to eat breakfast while I rested . Soon , my dear high school girlfriend , KM , was holding my hand and kissing my check while she spoke encouraging words to my heart and prayed for me . I came home from the hospital the next day . I thought I would walk into the hospital , get the pacemaker , walk out , and go on with life without a bit of interruption . It hasn 't been quite that easy . True to form , I overdid yesterday . I attended a tension filled meeting for my HOA . I 'm the secretary . I thought I HAD to be there . Wrong . I then visited for two hours at a friend 's house . By the time I was home my anxiety levels and stress levels were off the charts . The nurse calls everyday . She says the first week is a rough one for many . Yesterday , she said a meeting might be good . It would keep my mind occupied . The meeting was too stressful . I should have stayed home . I 'm not handling stress well right now . I go to get a device check tomorrow . I took today off . I have done nothing all day . I will do the same until I am feeling stronger . Birthdays and gifts go hand in hand . I 've been questioning how one should celebrate the birthday of one no longer with us as my daughter Julie 's birthday has approached . Julie had a gift when it came to making friends . After her death , one of the most wonderful gifts that she left me was the gift of friendship with her many friends . Tomorrow , April 8 , Julie would have been 39 years old . Today , I will celebrate the gift of friendship that was found in one very close to her : Scott . When Jim and I were in Florida in February , I received a text from Julie 's high school boyfriend Scott Roberts asking if we would be able to connect while we were in the area since he lived an hour or so away . I was thrilled when he contacted me , and we made a visit with Scott one of our highest priorities . The Story of Two April Babies Born in 1976 : My daughter Julie met Scott not long after she moved to Pueblo Colorado , when I married Julie 's step - father Jim . I always admired the way Julie jumped right into the challenge of moving to a new town when she was in high school . I know this was no easy task . It wasn 't long before she made a bevy of wonderful friends . Scott was one of them . After Julie 's death Scott sent me note he had written to Julie on nineteenth anniversary of the first day they met . He wrote : you were so cute , so happy , so full of life . I loved you instantly . . . This will be the first year I don 't get to call you and tell you how long we 've known each other . We always made jokes on how we could have tolerated each other so long . . . There was always something special about you , I couldn 't tell you the day I met anyone else . . . that 's how much you 've always stood out . The relationship between these two lasted as long as Julie lived . They had some pretty rocky teenage times when much to my dismay they would have their spats . I would hear the telephone ring all hours of the night when Scott would call Julie . ( Probably because she called him first . ) More than once , I heard the little tiny pebbles hit Julie 's bedroom window . I knew Scott was trying to get her attention either late at night or early in the morning when he was delivering his newspapers . I would go to the bedroom next to Julie 's , open the window and holler down to the young man standing below her second story window , " Go home Scott . Julie is sleeping . Leave her alone . " We laugh about it now . Scott and Julie attend their junior prom together . They continued to date off and on during their freshman year in college . Scott was born three days before Julie on April 5 , so every year , even the year Julie died in 2010 , they always made sure they talked to each other on their birthdays . When Julie and Scott were in their first year of college , they took a road trip to Utah with my son Jon to visit Julie and Jon 's father , sister , and brother in Utah . I think it must have been over Spring Break . I recently ran across photos taken just before that trip . Scott reminded me that he lost his job because he went on that trip with Julie . I guess he 'd just been hired on a new job at the newspaper , but decided to take a vacation anyway . When he got back , he didn 't have a job . They all look so young and cute in these photos . I think Julie must have the face to her tape recorder in her hand in the photo on the right . I think she has a police detector radar device in her hand in the center photo . I guess they must have had dinner at our home just before they departed for the trip . I 'm thankful for these fun memories . I wonder if they were celebrating their 19th birthdays with this trip . The trip was taken twenty years ago in 1995 . It seems impossible that many years have passes since these kids were teenagers . I used to tease Scott whenever I saw him over the years by asking , " When are you finally going to marry my daughter ? " All those years ago , when these two teenagers were making each other and their parents crazy , I recognized the positive character traits of loyalty , faithfulness to friends and family , hard work , and belief in his religion in Scott . I saw a young man I would have felt proud to have as a family member . Scott has remained a dear " adopted " part of our family . Upon hearing of Julie 's death in May of 2010 , Scott flew to Colorado from Florida to be with us and all of her dear friends for her funeral . His presence meant so much to us . Later that same year , he came to visit us and spent some time with Jim and me on our back deck . I always remember him asking me as we walked through the house towards the deck , " Is the trampoline still there ? " Of course it was . He said he hoped to see the trampoline where he and Julie had had so much fun when they were younger . He sent a beautiful letter to be read at her memorial service that was held a year after her death when we buried her cremated remains at the cemetery . The way Scott has honored Julie 's memory has always touched me more than he will ever know . ThiOur Visit We had arranged to meet Scott and his wife and daughter early in the afternoon on Valentine 's Day for a late lunch on Daytona Beach . This was not a day to spend a lot of time on the beach because the weather was quite cool . Blistery winds whipped the waves of the ocean as Scott , Jim , I caught up on our lives . Scott had brought his beautiful wife and daughter with him . His two year old daughter , full of personality and spunk wanted to be outside running on the beach while we stayed inside the great spot Scott had picked for lunch , Racing 's North Turn Beach Bar and Grille . Scott While Scott was attending the University of Colorado working on his engineering degree , he took up skydiving . He has been involved in competitive canopy piloting since 2002 . His passion for skydiving has led him to create his company called Fluid Wings . ( Click to read about his company . ) He makes parachutes for a living . He also does contract work in engineering . Scott and I recounted what a crazy small world this is as we talked about my blogging friend and fellow Vashonista , Djan Stewart of DJan - ity and Eye on the Edge . Scott had seen Djan 's name on one of my blog posts . Scott knew that there is only one Djan . And of course he is right . Djan was the person that certified Scott as a sky jumper while he was still a student at CU in Boulder , Colorado . Isn 't that just crazy ? He spoke of how much he learned about skydiving from Djan . Then , he told me about Djan 's husband , " Smart Guy . " He had great admiration for both of these people whom influence him so much in his younger years . He said , " I learned to skydive from Djan , but I 'm still alive because of " Smart Guy . " I asked why , and he told me that Djan 's husband taught him about being wise and not so crazy as a youth . He taught him not to take stupid risks . He made him think . Scott then told me that Djan had met Julie , " She just doesn 't remember it . " He said Julie was dating a friend of Scott 's when Scott was skydiving and they went skydiving together and Djan was there when they all took their jumps . That really warmed my heart to see the connection that I made with Djan after Julie died . Djan , Scott 's mentor , helped me in so many ways to cope with Julie 's death through blogging . Yes , it is a very small world . Our time together was too short , but I left the lunch we had together feeling so blessed . I loved talking to Scott again and was so pleased to observe what a wonderful human being he remains . I was especially blessed to get to know his wife . She was delightful and so very interesting . I also was thrilled to finally meet Scott 's daughter . Words can 't describe this child 's bright , lively , and intelligent personality . I think she will keep Scott on her toes when she becomes a teenager . My life has truly been blessed by knowing and spending time with Julie 's friends . She truly had a gift for making friends . She made good life long friends . Her friends are among my great gifts now . This year , as I celebrate the birth of Julie , I am also celebrating that other April baby born just days before Julie was born : Scott Roberts . Memories of Julie 's teen years and beyond will always be intertwined with memories of Scott . Scott , you will never know how much it has meant to me that you made a great sacrifice to be with us when Julie died . You will never know how much it meant to me that you made sure you left flowers for Julie on her gravesite when you came back for your class reunion . You two were friends with a friendship that spanned the years . Now , it is my great joy to see you happily married , the father of a beautiful daughter , and involved in a career that represents your passion . Julie would be so happy for you . I am so very proud to count you among the gifts that Julie 's life bestowed upon me . Scott & Sally

I am married to Stephen . We are blessed with a wonderful Harriet Alice , Edmund Paul , and Beatrice Claire . We live in a cute 100 + - year - old house which keeps surprising us . I like to sew vintage inspired clothes , experiment in the kitchen , read all sorts of books , and keep the children alive and educated . Only two more nights left of the work week . Hooray ! It all just seems to be creeping by , much to my consternation . I keep hoping that I 'll get somewhat accustomed to this schedule , even if I don 't care for it . That has yet to happen , but can keep hoping , right ? ( The biggest problem is that I feel horribly guilty for not liking the situation because so many wives have husbands who are gone for long periods of time or have jerk husbands who don 't want to be home and that isn 't my situation at all . But beating myself up about how I should be feeling doesn 't help . Blarggie , blarggie . ) My latest greatest idea is to have my Bible next to the bed and to just start reading when the mental gerbil wheel picks up speed . The fun news : not only will we be enjoying the various diversions of the county fair next week , but Auntie Jen will be arriving for a several - day visit . I 'm reading Knowing God in the mornings . The chapters are relatively short , which is great when I have a cat - nappy baby , but they certainly are not lacking in weighty , convicting thoughts . It 's nice to read something weighty and convicting and well - written when there are so many fluffy books full of spiritual pat answers out there . Sometimes I just want to scream , " Let 's be more grubby and real and less ' spiritual , ' please ! " Two paragraphs jumped out at me this morning which are much too long to re - type but are well worth the read . In summary , the first paragraph said that we can know a great deal about God but lack knowledge of Him , primarily through our devotion to theological pursuits and the resulting accolades we might receive from fellow believers . The second paragraph detailed how often we can know about godliness without having the knowledge of God thanks to the quantity of spiritual " helps " available . As Packer says , all of this is well and good , but what if I become so dependent on my theological knowledge or my " how - to - be - a - good - Christian " books that my knowledge of God through His word takes a back seat ? What if my day - to - day Christian walk is baThe question is not whether we are good at theology , or ' balanced ' ( horrible , self - conscious word ! ) in our approach to problems of Christian living ; the question is , can we say , simply , honestly , not because we feel that as evangelicals we ought to , but because it is a plain matter of fact , that we have known God , and that because we have known God the unpleasantness we have had , or the pleasantness we have not had , through being Christians does not matter to us ? This leads to another mental bunny trail that I went down last night . When I was in CEF or at Cornerstone , it seemed so easy and adventuresome to just pick up and go whenever and wherever God said to go . I 'm supposed to go be a missionary in Ireland ? Okedoke . I 'll do whatever it takes . ( Call me crazy , but there were seasons when martyrdom on the mission field [ though probably not in Ireland ] definitely had its appeal . ) Now Steve and I are exploring a new type of ministry opportunity to do post - seminary that honestly has never crossed my mind . And the newness of it all honestly freaks me out . Perhaps it 's because I am getting more and more settled into the married / family way with all of its daily practicalities and I feel like clinging to it . Anything " out there " feels too scary . Or maybe it 's because God feels so small right now . . . because my knowledge of Him - and the energy , boldness , and contentment that results - is so limited . But His grace hasn 't failed me yet . Sleeping during the day . While this perpetual cat napping does send the nighttime routine for a bit of a loop , having moments during the day for Mommy to do other things is helpful . Harriet usually wakes up at 7am , plays around for a while , and then takes a solid nap from 11am - 2pm . Hooray for some semblance of a routine ! Her car seat . I was nervous about the whole riding in the car thing , especially since we drive an hour to church each week . But she really seems to enjoy being in her car seat and usually drifts off to sleep once we start driving . Steve and I ventured out on a date night the other evening , and Harriet slept during the 45 minute drive , the hour - long meal , and for 30 minutes of the ride home . Her Auntie Clara . She actually smiled for reals at Clara on Sunday . So not fair . Actually , Harriet enjoys all of her crazy relatives ( and I enjoy it when Grandmom comes over to brisk her up and brisk her about during the Afternoon / Evening Crankies [ see below ] ) . Taking walks . Maybe it has to do with the whole car seat thing , but Harriet really enjoys our jaunts out in the stroller , too . On Saturday I needed something at a store a few blocks away , so I loaded her up in the stroller and away we went . . . until a big scary dog jumped out at us , barked violently and followed us up the sidewalk . I didn 't really feel like having my leg mauled off while I was pushing a stroller , so Steve nicely came and picked us up . Eating . I was reading an article about knowing what a baby needs by the variances in their grunts and cries . Harriet just makes the I Need to Eat noise . Climbing up the Daddy Mountain . She has really strong legs ( could have told you that based on her last few weeks in the womb ) and will push up Steve 's body when she is laying on his stomach . It 's pretty silly , but her determination is admirable . Harriet does not like : Baths . This conclusion is based on her response to her first bath , which occurred yesterday afternoon . She was screaming bloody murder . Steve was calmly and speedily administering the shampoo . I was not looking . And that is why we have no photographic evidence of the event . The afternoon and evening . She turns into Little Miss Cranky Pants until exhaustion or bedtime hits . This is rough because we parents are usually tired and cranky whenever this time of day rolls around , so we make for a pretty tense threesome . Grandmom had the ingenuity to flop Little Miss Cranky Pants over on her tummy on the Bobby pillow and firmly pat her behind . This calmed things down considerably . Sleeping in her co - sleeper . Thankfully , she is fine sleeping next to me at night , and I 'm used to it as well , so this hasn 't been too much of a struggle . I feel bad for having a $ 50 co - sleeper taking up space in the closet , though . Having anything on her legs or feet . Most babies get a kick out of being all nicely swaddled up . Harriet gets a kick out of kicking everything off . This includes her socks and pants . ( Yes , I woke up one morning to discover that her pants were in another area of the bed . I wonder how long it took for her to work those off during the night . ) She will definitely sleep more soundly with less stuff on her body . ( I am still wondering if she is my child . . . . ) Harriet continues to get chubbier in the tummy - tum - tum . You still can 't see her eyebrows or eyelashes , even though her hair is dark . Her eyes are a stormy blue , much to my delight . For a few glorious days after Harriet 's birth , we were perfectly content . We weren 't worried about the house , or other peoples ' expectations , or going to seminary , or how dumb this town can be , or anything . It was just us all holed up with nothing to think about but each other . Now that things are settling back into the reality of work / baby care routines , that temporary contentment seems like it is slipping away . At least from me . I look around me : if only the house were more clean , if only the dog didn 't stink , if only the yard were mowed . Harriet squeaks on my lap : if only she were older and had more of a playtime , if only there could be perfect equality in baby care responsibilities . I ponder what will happen next : if only Steve had a day - shift , if only he could be doing something that he really enjoyed , if only we weren 't so tired and could meet each other 's needs more fully . Then the guilt trip begins . I 'm not grateful for and satisfied in what I have now . . . will it make any difference if things change ? Won 't there be cause for discontent and grumbling no matter what state I 'm in ? It 's more than just altered circumstance that I require . It 's a changed heart and no matter how much I strive and ache to change it , the bottom line is that I can 't do it myself . My Bible is staring at me from the coffee table . Philippians 4 : 11 - 13 comes to mind : Not that I am speaking of being in need , for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content . I know how to be brought low , and I know how to abound . In any and every circumstance , I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger , abundance and need . I can do all things through him who strengthens me . I have read this passage a billion times . But this time what sticks out is the word " learned . " Paul learned how to be content in all circumstances . This wasn 't some magical POOF ! Contentment ! It was a part of his sanctification by grace . He learned contentment as he trusted in the One who strengthened him in all things . Perhaps God is teaching me contentment by revealing my appalling discontent . He is gently reminding me that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me : things like feeding a baby all day , being unable to go when I want to go , doing laundry and making the bed , living in the here and now and not pining after the next adventure ( or at least mental diversion ) . Praise the Lord for His grace . I know I 'm biased , but I really do have a darling baby . There is just something unbelievably wonderful about her wakey - wakey little eyes that are now able to focus ( sort of ) on mine and say , " Good morning ! What are we going to do today ? " Even if all she is going to do is sleep and eat and poop . Sleeping in the co - sleeper has been a bit of a no - go this week . She doesn 't mind being placed in it for her naps , but nighttime is another story . Maybe it 's because I 'm so exhausted that I don 't really care if she sleeps in my arms all night . She 's only this little for so long , you know . I would want to snuggle up with my mommy , too . I 'm thinking that Harriet must be on a bit of a growth spurt because she is eating practically all of the time when she is awake . I feel kind of bad because every time I hand her off to Steve for some good daddy - daughter bonding time , she is content for about ten minutes and then starts wailing to be fed . But again , she 's only this little for so long , and pretty soon she 'll be more eager to play for longer stretches . Steve is the diaper / clothes changing king , though , and even though we 'll probably never have a perfectly equal share in parenting responsibilities , I 'm very grateful when he does just scoop her up and entertain her for a while . Clara has been coming over in the mornings to keep an eye on the munchkin while I run about and take a shower , tidy the house , etc . I 'm trying to keep things simple and only plan on making the bed and keeping up with the dishes on a daily basis until Harriet settles into more of a naptime / playtime routine . The frozen meals I made last month have been so helpful - I just stick one in the fridge to thaw ( supposedly overnight , but I usually forget and end up thawing it for most of the day ) and then Steve sticks it in the oven when he gets back from work . So snappy . One year later we 're sitting groggily in our little house following a rather tumultuous night of an awake baby and an upset tummy . But , we did survive the hour long trip to Kearney , dinner at Red Lobster and a 2 . 5 hour theatre experience with the munchkin and she hardly made a peep . Perhaps she was so satisfied by the fact that she gained 13 oz . in one week that she decided to take the evening off and sleep . In honor of the anniversary celebration , I did something that I haven 't done in years : I filled out a meme . That hearkens back to the ol ' LiveJournal days , eh ? I know it 's silly , but I had fun and it is my blog after all . Here we go . . . What are your middle names ? My middle name is Elizabeth , after my dad 's mom ( I think that Mom was trying to squeeze as many syllables as possible into her firstborn 's name ) , and his middle name is Paul , after his dad . I have an infatuation with the name Paul ( it probably began when I read Dombey and Son during the Summer of Dickens ) , so I 'm glad that his parents had the forethought to make that his middle . How long have you been together ? The funny thing is that we weren 't really together when we were " together , " since I was in South Dakota and he was in Missouri for the majority of the time . But we technically became a couple in January 2009 and got married in July 2009 . How long did you know each other before you started dating ? Sheesh , we met at the CBI alumni banquet in May 2008 , wrote letters to each other all summer , started texting / calling in September ( cookies are very romantic things , I discovered ) , and became Facebook - official in January . So we actually knew each other for 7 months before things got serious . And that was plenty long enough . Who asked whom out ? Since the relationship was developed long distance , we didn 't have that stereotypical " asking out . " But Steve started the whole Facebook spiel , and I eventually sent the box of chocolate chip cookies down to Calvary Bible College , and he subsequently called me and made several trips to visit . . . so I guess you can say that we worked together on this project . How old are each of you ? I 'm 23 and Steve is 24 . He 's 8 months older than I am , so we get to be the same age for part of the year . While we aren 't exactly teenagers anymore , people are constantly saying things like , " You don 't look old enough to be married . " So , yeah , we look like we 're fifteen , but that will pay off when we 're youthful - looking seventy - year - olds , right ? Do you have any children together ? One dear sweet little week - old girl named Harriet Alice . She is the cutest thing that ever happened . We love her muchly , yes we do ! What about pets ? We have Florianus Prinzel , the Sausage Dog . We both swore before marriage that we wouldn 't have any pets besides nice , unemotional creatures like fish , but then we read a book about sausage dogs on our honeymoon . And then when we were made aware of a sausage dog for give - away , I lost my mind entirely and Steve complied . Florianus drives us bananas ( irrational creature that he is ) and somehow has a bladder that is smaller than a poppyseed , but we like him well enough and he keeps us entertained . I might cry when he dies . Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple ? Hmm . Well , we 've been through an amazing amount of accumulative life garbage over the past six months . It hasn 't been one big thing , but lots of little things and those add up , you know . However , as far as a challenge to our relationship as a couple I would say that Steve 's 12 - hour night shift job has been the most stressful on a regular basis . Being in an entirely different waking / sleeping routine is rough on a marriage . Did you go to the same school ? We were both home schooled , if that counts . Sometimes it feels like we went to the same school because home schoolers generally have similar experiences , and Steve was home schooled in a way that was a lot closer to the methods my own parents employed . In other words , neither of us would fit into the school - at - home category , which Steve took advantage of and I regretted . ( Not really . I just desperately wanted order and routine and textbooks . ) Are you from the same hometown ? Nope . Steve is from Modesto , CA and I 'm from landlocked Broken Bow , Nebraska . But for beach - loving me , I think that this alliance affords geographical advantage . We may be living in the Midwest , but we 'll always have to go visit his family in California . Who is the smartest ? Steve . And that 's not just because he wears glasses . ( Although when it comes to the practical aspects of life - like remembering where he put his glasses - I definitely win the prize . ) Who is more sensitive ? I guess that I 'm less cynical , but Steve is better at noticing when things aren 't right . Maybe he is just bolder about verbally recognizing the issues , too . Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple ? Ireland . Well , we weren 't a couple then . . . we didn 't even know that the other existed . . . but we were in Ireland in the same general place during the same exact time in Summer 2006 . But that doesn 't totally count . The farthest we 've traveled as a couple was to Disneyland for our honeymoon . Fun times . Who has the worst temper ? We both avoid confrontation like the plague ( which is a good and bad thing ) , so tempers rarely flare . I 'm usually the first to get really testy and irritable and start bawling . Steve tends to be majorly chill unless something illogical floats his way - usually the dog or some kind of instruction manual . In either case , we 're pretty quick to kiss and make up . Who does the cooking ? I do it on a regular basis during our normal routine , but since Harriet 's arrival Steve has been the primary chef . After all , if I don 't eat she doesn 't eat , so he has decided that he is indirectly helping out with feeding her if he feeds me . Hey , that works out fine and dandy . We really enjoy making a " date " out of cooking , though , and pulling together some crazy - fun dish from Mrs . Joy or Fannie Farmer . Who is more social ? Oh dear . In our natural , comfortable state I would say that our social level is about the same : we want to be around familiar people and talk about meaningful things . But when it comes to meeting people and providing the required small - talk in order to build a relationship , I seem to pull through more often than Steve . Who is the neat - freak ? Me . Hmm , I guess I am the most concerned about the overall neatness of our house and our general appearance , but Steve has his pet peeves . Like when the trash is overflowing ( sorry , dear ! ) and when the plastic in the cereal box isn 't rolled down tightly . Ahem . Who is more stubborn ? It depends on the situation , I suppose , but generally Steve is more stubborn , especially about situations that are somewhat removed from our own relationship . However , sometimes I feel like I get my own way an awful lot . Who hogs the bed ? Most definitely me , what with being hugely pregnant and now having a nursing baby and all that requires . But Steve is kind and sleeps on his six inches of bed without grumbling . Who wakes up earlier ? Me , again . It 's just so . hard . to linger in bed when the day is beckoning . Sometimes he gets me to stick around past 9am , but that 's rare . Where was your first date ? Depends on what you consider to be a date . Does the guy buy the meal ? If so , then it was after we were engaged . ( Pretty cool when the girl has to provide all of the funds for food and travel , eh ? ) If not , I would consider our first real date to be when we decided to go talk at Denny 's until 3 : 3oam . Loveliness . . . even if the Potachos gave us gastrointestinal fits the next day . How do you spend the holidays ? Hanging out with my fambly , because we live about five miles away . Otherwise we would be hanging out with his fambly . Who eats more ? Prior to Harriet Alice , I would have definitely said that Steve ate more than I do . But pregnancy and breastfeeding take it out of a girl ( even one with a rather small appetite ) , and now I eat just as much as he does , if not more . I seem to always be saying , " I 'm hungry , I 'm hungry . " Steve says that now I know what a teenage boy feels like . Oh goody . Now my life is complete . Who does / did the laundry ? We both do the laundry . We both put stuff in the various machines and we both neglect to actually fold it and put in away . It 's a struggle . Who drives when you are together ? Steve . I drive sometimes , particularly on long - ish trips , but normally I let him drive . He likes it and I get to read books out loud , so it 's a happy medium . Who is the romantic one ? We are romantic in different ways , but Steve is the first to say " I love you , " and to melt me with some sweet comment . Or with flowers . Or with a clean kitchen . Or a chapter from Winnie - the - Pooh . Or a kiss . Hooray ! We are discovering that most people , after offering congratulatory remarks , say something along the lines of , " Does she sleep through the night ? " or " Are you getting any sleep ? " or " How 's the sleeping going ? " Discussions of babies and sleeping are as prevalent as the mention of heat / air conditioning during a summer pregnancy . I know that most folks are trying to find a common ground of conversation and I appreciate it . It 's just kind of funny that sleep is always the topic . I 'm thankful to report that , yes , we are sleeping well . As some of you know , Steve and I are trying the co - sleeping , family bed , whatever - you - want - to - call - it and having Harriet sleep with us . The first few nights were horrible , not because she wasn 't sleeping but because I was a nervous wreck . When she was in bed with us I just knew that I would squish her or that the sheets would suffocate her . If I put her in the bassinet , I stressed about her not breathing or that she would be bawling and I wouldn 't hear her ( riiiiight ) Harriet slept like a log while I sat next to her wide awake and as stiff as a board , craning to hear every breath and nervously moving the sheets . It was so hard to let down my guard and let God protect her during the night . I know that he loves her infinitely more than I do and that his watchcare is ever so much more sufficient than mine , but it was a rubber - meets - the - road issue of trusting him . So I cried a bunch and talked to Mom about it and prayed very specifically about my concerns . Praise God that his peace does pass all understanding and that he provided some great tools to ease my concerns . We bought a wonderful co - sleeper which works like a charm . Harriet can 't go anywhere , nothing can get up around her face , and since I know exactly where she is , I 'm able to sleep really well . She is still in bed with us , so she has all of the benefits of co - sleeping and we don 't have to get up every few hours and fetch her from a crib . And she seems to sleep better in her own spot without flopping into me and remembering that it 's snack time . It is fantastic . I 'm trying to focus on the quality of our sleep versus how many hours are spent sleeping . Does it really matter if I 'm getting four total hours of sleep one night and six the next if I 'm feeling rested the next day ? Harriet is consistent in needing to snack every two to three hours , and she is also consistent about falling back to sleep quickly during the night . We have learned ( in our one week of parenting experience - woo ) to stay awake past her 12am party time , make sure she 's full and changed and then go to sleep . This routine seems to afford the most solid sleep at the onset of the night . . . er , early morning . ( This routine also requires a good nap in the afternoon , but that works well thus far ) . Harriet has her one week appointment this afternoon , so Auntie Clara and I are venturing out . Then we are all heading down to Kearney for an evening of double - dating and seeing the community theater performance of The King and I . So many adventures in one day ! So I 'm sitting here with a mildly sleeping Harriet on my lap and I just realized that my tea and breakfast burrito are staring at me from the kitchen counter . Uh , do I risk waking her up to go get them ? Such is the question of the first morning of Going Solo . I 'm not going entirely solo since Clara is coming later this morning . Steve tootled off to work an eight - hour day of training for his new position . It 's still a night shift , but at least it will only be an eight - hour night shift and will be on a predictable weekly schedule . The new routine feels fine and dandy when I think about it during the day time . It 's only when I 'm crawling into bed thinking that this is one of the last few nights of normalcy ( as normal as sleeping with a baby goes ) that I start bawling . Oh dear . There is a lot of Baby Stuff floating around in my brain right now ( imagine that ) , so I don 't really know where to start . I do know that I 'm not particularly in the mood to share some detailed birth story . That said , I would be remiss if I did not mention that the best way to handle a 24 - hour labor is to be oblivious to the fact that intense back cramps are actually contractions until a few hours before the precious baby makes her appearance . And that an epidural is proof of the doctrine of God 's common grace . Want more ? You 'll just have to find a more private way of contacting moi . Harriet is the best baby . She is generally calm , has about six massive poopy diapers a day , and eats as if her next meal will be months away instead of minutes away . Every day reveals that she is more Steve than me - actually , I 'm beginning to wonder how much of me is in her at all . She has Steve 's nose and mouth and eyes and hairline and concerned forehead . They sleep in the same position and make the same funny expressions when waking up ( or attempting to wake up ) . Her most awake time is between 12am - 1am . She does have dark hair , though , and it may be curly . I 'll hold out for that . My favorite thing is when she is nursing and she wraps her little pinky finger around my index finger as if to say , " I 've got you , Mom . You can 't go anywhere now . " I 'll have to get Clara to take a picture when she does it next . I 'm doing really well , now that the first few days of overall blechy soreness are a thing of the past . Lots of sitting around and taking ibuprofen and extra iron have helped with all of that . I was really grateful that we have had so many days here at home to chill and get used to our new family dynamics . We have spent more time just being this week than we have during any other time in this year of marriage and it has been refreshing . Steve is amazing . He has grabbed this fatherhood role by the horns and is just the kind of supportive , pro - active person I need right now and for always . ( And I would rent him out as a birth coach if that wouldn 't be so . . . weird . ) I feel like I 've fallen in love all over again with him and with Harriet . Now there are two people who are so embedded in my heart that the very thought of us ever not being together makes me melt into a hormonal puddle . Sigh . We were up and at ' em this morning and off to another appointment . Nothing has changed much , everything looks good , and there was the usual confusion about who I am and what I was supposed to be doing there . Woo - hoo . Okay , the following were taken at the request of Melinda , who claims that she hasn 't seen many pictures of me in an expectant state . I 'm not totally keen on the whole stand - in - the - same - spot - and - take - a - picture - each - week routine ( not that I have a problem with people who do , you understand ) , so I don 't have a whole slough of pictures to share . But thankfully I have a sister who can whip out her camera and take some after the Fourth of July shindig at the parents ' house . So we were having a bit of trouble coming up with a good plan for celebrating our anniversary this year since we have no idea when Baby Rodgers will show up . I couldn 't imagine that she ( or we ) will be exactly anxious for us to sneak away on an extended weekend to Disneyland - or even Lincoln for that matter . We also don 't do particularly well at getting presents that really meet the surprise quota , nor are we all that great at actually coming to a decision when buying gifts . After all , how will we know that we bought the absoballylutely perfect thing ? After spending at least an hour tossing around ideas , we were still coming up short . At least our anniversary wasn 't for a couple more weeks . Then , a few days later , inspiration hit . We would buy an espresso machine . This would be perfect because a ) we both like espresso , b ) we both like to experiment with making drinks , c ) we like saving money , d ) we would increase our popularity as a couple by about 200 % and e ) we would consequently be very happy people . Steve started looking around on Amazon . com and not only found one that was in our price range , but that also featured a $ 20 rebate coupon . This is where having a husband who could write for Consumer Reports pays off . The best part ? The whole shebang arrived a mere two days after the order . . . and that was with Free Super Saver Shipping . Here I be after attempting to steam milk for a latte . Heh . Let 's just say that various and sundry parts of milk , coffee , water , and mugs were all over the counter and I kept yelling things like , " Eep ! " and " Oh , crap ! " and Steve kept laughing at me . It was nice that the drink was worth the stress . Every day I wake up and think , " It could be today . " And every night I drift off to sleep wondering if this is the last night with just us two snuggled up . Rinse and repeat . I 'm really grateful that God provided all of the time necessary to get things done and that we aren 't scrambling around at the last minute to set up furniture , or make frozen meals , or whatever . However , in my quest to be hyper - prepared and organized I was unprepared for what to do when nothing else could be done . Why can 't I just know when Baby Rodgers will show up ? I need routine and predictability and the ability to stick everything on a schedule . Or maybe I don 't need it , I just want it . Yesterday felt like I entered into stir - crazy panic mode : can I really just sit here and read a book ? Is that . . . okay ? Isn 't something wrong with just sitting together and playing Civilization II on the computer for hours ? Surely there was a task somewhere to be done . But try as I might , nothing could be found . God is showing me that it is okay to just sit still and wait and enjoy these last few days of married life as we currently know it without the changes of a Baby or the stress of inconsistent work schedules . There is a difference between taking grateful advantage of the time God provides for rest and being pensively idle . I 'm learning to relax and embrace restful anticipation . This is my cheese - whiz of a sister , Little Annie Lou . We were reading books at the library whilst Mom was sorting through the weekly chaos of summer reading program forms and explaining missing books . Anne is very small for her age ( she looks more like an 18 - month old instead of a three - year - old ) , so when an older lady came over and started making googly - baby conversation with Anne , it was hard to keep from laughing . " Oooh , you are such a cute little baby ! " the lady oogled . " What is your name ? " The question was in reference to Anne , but stated as if I would answer . Anne looked straight at the lady and said " Anne " as clear as any three - year - old should . The lady was surprised and I was amused .

I am married to Stephen . We are blessed with a wonderful Harriet Alice , Edmund Paul , and Beatrice Claire . We live in a cute 100 + - year - old house which keeps surprising us . I like to sew vintage inspired clothes , experiment in the kitchen , read all sorts of books , and keep the children alive and educated . Only two more nights left of the work week . Hooray ! It all just seems to be creeping by , much to my consternation . I keep hoping that I 'll get somewhat accustomed to this schedule , even if I don 't care for it . That has yet to happen , but can keep hoping , right ? ( The biggest problem is that I feel horribly guilty for not liking the situation because so many wives have husbands who are gone for long periods of time or have jerk husbands who don 't want to be home and that isn 't my situation at all . But beating myself up about how I should be feeling doesn 't help . Blarggie , blarggie . ) My latest greatest idea is to have my Bible next to the bed and to just start reading when the mental gerbil wheel picks up speed . The fun news : not only will we be enjoying the various diversions of the county fair next week , but Auntie Jen will be arriving for a several - day visit . I 'm reading Knowing God in the mornings . The chapters are relatively short , which is great when I have a cat - nappy baby , but they certainly are not lacking in weighty , convicting thoughts . It 's nice to read something weighty and convicting and well - written when there are so many fluffy books full of spiritual pat answers out there . Sometimes I just want to scream , " Let 's be more grubby and real and less ' spiritual , ' please ! " Two paragraphs jumped out at me this morning which are much too long to re - type but are well worth the read . In summary , the first paragraph said that we can know a great deal about God but lack knowledge of Him , primarily through our devotion to theological pursuits and the resulting accolades we might receive from fellow believers . The second paragraph detailed how often we can know about godliness without having the knowledge of God thanks to the quantity of spiritual " helps " available . As Packer says , all of this is well and good , but what if I become so dependent on my theological knowledge or my " how - to - be - a - good - Christian " books that my knowledge of God through His word takes a back seat ? What if my day - to - day Christian walk is baThe question is not whether we are good at theology , or ' balanced ' ( horrible , self - conscious word ! ) in our approach to problems of Christian living ; the question is , can we say , simply , honestly , not because we feel that as evangelicals we ought to , but because it is a plain matter of fact , that we have known God , and that because we have known God the unpleasantness we have had , or the pleasantness we have not had , through being Christians does not matter to us ? This leads to another mental bunny trail that I went down last night . When I was in CEF or at Cornerstone , it seemed so easy and adventuresome to just pick up and go whenever and wherever God said to go . I 'm supposed to go be a missionary in Ireland ? Okedoke . I 'll do whatever it takes . ( Call me crazy , but there were seasons when martyrdom on the mission field [ though probably not in Ireland ] definitely had its appeal . ) Now Steve and I are exploring a new type of ministry opportunity to do post - seminary that honestly has never crossed my mind . And the newness of it all honestly freaks me out . Perhaps it 's because I am getting more and more settled into the married / family way with all of its daily practicalities and I feel like clinging to it . Anything " out there " feels too scary . Or maybe it 's because God feels so small right now . . . because my knowledge of Him - and the energy , boldness , and contentment that results - is so limited . But His grace hasn 't failed me yet . Sleeping during the day . While this perpetual cat napping does send the nighttime routine for a bit of a loop , having moments during the day for Mommy to do other things is helpful . Harriet usually wakes up at 7am , plays around for a while , and then takes a solid nap from 11am - 2pm . Hooray for some semblance of a routine ! Her car seat . I was nervous about the whole riding in the car thing , especially since we drive an hour to church each week . But she really seems to enjoy being in her car seat and usually drifts off to sleep once we start driving . Steve and I ventured out on a date night the other evening , and Harriet slept during the 45 minute drive , the hour - long meal , and for 30 minutes of the ride home . Her Auntie Clara . She actually smiled for reals at Clara on Sunday . So not fair . Actually , Harriet enjoys all of her crazy relatives ( and I enjoy it when Grandmom comes over to brisk her up and brisk her about during the Afternoon / Evening Crankies [ see below ] ) . Taking walks . Maybe it has to do with the whole car seat thing , but Harriet really enjoys our jaunts out in the stroller , too . On Saturday I needed something at a store a few blocks away , so I loaded her up in the stroller and away we went . . . until a big scary dog jumped out at us , barked violently and followed us up the sidewalk . I didn 't really feel like having my leg mauled off while I was pushing a stroller , so Steve nicely came and picked us up . Eating . I was reading an article about knowing what a baby needs by the variances in their grunts and cries . Harriet just makes the I Need to Eat noise . Climbing up the Daddy Mountain . She has really strong legs ( could have told you that based on her last few weeks in the womb ) and will push up Steve 's body when she is laying on his stomach . It 's pretty silly , but her determination is admirable . Harriet does not like : Baths . This conclusion is based on her response to her first bath , which occurred yesterday afternoon . She was screaming bloody murder . Steve was calmly and speedily administering the shampoo . I was not looking . And that is why we have no photographic evidence of the event . The afternoon and evening . She turns into Little Miss Cranky Pants until exhaustion or bedtime hits . This is rough because we parents are usually tired and cranky whenever this time of day rolls around , so we make for a pretty tense threesome . Grandmom had the ingenuity to flop Little Miss Cranky Pants over on her tummy on the Bobby pillow and firmly pat her behind . This calmed things down considerably . Sleeping in her co - sleeper . Thankfully , she is fine sleeping next to me at night , and I 'm used to it as well , so this hasn 't been too much of a struggle . I feel bad for having a $ 50 co - sleeper taking up space in the closet , though . Having anything on her legs or feet . Most babies get a kick out of being all nicely swaddled up . Harriet gets a kick out of kicking everything off . This includes her socks and pants . ( Yes , I woke up one morning to discover that her pants were in another area of the bed . I wonder how long it took for her to work those off during the night . ) She will definitely sleep more soundly with less stuff on her body . ( I am still wondering if she is my child . . . . ) Harriet continues to get chubbier in the tummy - tum - tum . You still can 't see her eyebrows or eyelashes , even though her hair is dark . Her eyes are a stormy blue , much to my delight . For a few glorious days after Harriet 's birth , we were perfectly content . We weren 't worried about the house , or other peoples ' expectations , or going to seminary , or how dumb this town can be , or anything . It was just us all holed up with nothing to think about but each other . Now that things are settling back into the reality of work / baby care routines , that temporary contentment seems like it is slipping away . At least from me . I look around me : if only the house were more clean , if only the dog didn 't stink , if only the yard were mowed . Harriet squeaks on my lap : if only she were older and had more of a playtime , if only there could be perfect equality in baby care responsibilities . I ponder what will happen next : if only Steve had a day - shift , if only he could be doing something that he really enjoyed , if only we weren 't so tired and could meet each other 's needs more fully . Then the guilt trip begins . I 'm not grateful for and satisfied in what I have now . . . will it make any difference if things change ? Won 't there be cause for discontent and grumbling no matter what state I 'm in ? It 's more than just altered circumstance that I require . It 's a changed heart and no matter how much I strive and ache to change it , the bottom line is that I can 't do it myself . My Bible is staring at me from the coffee table . Philippians 4 : 11 - 13 comes to mind : Not that I am speaking of being in need , for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content . I know how to be brought low , and I know how to abound . In any and every circumstance , I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger , abundance and need . I can do all things through him who strengthens me . I have read this passage a billion times . But this time what sticks out is the word " learned . " Paul learned how to be content in all circumstances . This wasn 't some magical POOF ! Contentment ! It was a part of his sanctification by grace . He learned contentment as he trusted in the One who strengthened him in all things . Perhaps God is teaching me contentment by revealing my appalling discontent . He is gently reminding me that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me : things like feeding a baby all day , being unable to go when I want to go , doing laundry and making the bed , living in the here and now and not pining after the next adventure ( or at least mental diversion ) . Praise the Lord for His grace . I know I 'm biased , but I really do have a darling baby . There is just something unbelievably wonderful about her wakey - wakey little eyes that are now able to focus ( sort of ) on mine and say , " Good morning ! What are we going to do today ? " Even if all she is going to do is sleep and eat and poop . Sleeping in the co - sleeper has been a bit of a no - go this week . She doesn 't mind being placed in it for her naps , but nighttime is another story . Maybe it 's because I 'm so exhausted that I don 't really care if she sleeps in my arms all night . She 's only this little for so long , you know . I would want to snuggle up with my mommy , too . I 'm thinking that Harriet must be on a bit of a growth spurt because she is eating practically all of the time when she is awake . I feel kind of bad because every time I hand her off to Steve for some good daddy - daughter bonding time , she is content for about ten minutes and then starts wailing to be fed . But again , she 's only this little for so long , and pretty soon she 'll be more eager to play for longer stretches . Steve is the diaper / clothes changing king , though , and even though we 'll probably never have a perfectly equal share in parenting responsibilities , I 'm very grateful when he does just scoop her up and entertain her for a while . Clara has been coming over in the mornings to keep an eye on the munchkin while I run about and take a shower , tidy the house , etc . I 'm trying to keep things simple and only plan on making the bed and keeping up with the dishes on a daily basis until Harriet settles into more of a naptime / playtime routine . The frozen meals I made last month have been so helpful - I just stick one in the fridge to thaw ( supposedly overnight , but I usually forget and end up thawing it for most of the day ) and then Steve sticks it in the oven when he gets back from work . So snappy . One year later we 're sitting groggily in our little house following a rather tumultuous night of an awake baby and an upset tummy . But , we did survive the hour long trip to Kearney , dinner at Red Lobster and a 2 . 5 hour theatre experience with the munchkin and she hardly made a peep . Perhaps she was so satisfied by the fact that she gained 13 oz . in one week that she decided to take the evening off and sleep . In honor of the anniversary celebration , I did something that I haven 't done in years : I filled out a meme . That hearkens back to the ol ' LiveJournal days , eh ? I know it 's silly , but I had fun and it is my blog after all . Here we go . . . What are your middle names ? My middle name is Elizabeth , after my dad 's mom ( I think that Mom was trying to squeeze as many syllables as possible into her firstborn 's name ) , and his middle name is Paul , after his dad . I have an infatuation with the name Paul ( it probably began when I read Dombey and Son during the Summer of Dickens ) , so I 'm glad that his parents had the forethought to make that his middle . How long have you been together ? The funny thing is that we weren 't really together when we were " together , " since I was in South Dakota and he was in Missouri for the majority of the time . But we technically became a couple in January 2009 and got married in July 2009 . How long did you know each other before you started dating ? Sheesh , we met at the CBI alumni banquet in May 2008 , wrote letters to each other all summer , started texting / calling in September ( cookies are very romantic things , I discovered ) , and became Facebook - official in January . So we actually knew each other for 7 months before things got serious . And that was plenty long enough . Who asked whom out ? Since the relationship was developed long distance , we didn 't have that stereotypical " asking out . " But Steve started the whole Facebook spiel , and I eventually sent the box of chocolate chip cookies down to Calvary Bible College , and he subsequently called me and made several trips to visit . . . so I guess you can say that we worked together on this project . How old are each of you ? I 'm 23 and Steve is 24 . He 's 8 months older than I am , so we get to be the same age for part of the year . While we aren 't exactly teenagers anymore , people are constantly saying things like , " You don 't look old enough to be married . " So , yeah , we look like we 're fifteen , but that will pay off when we 're youthful - looking seventy - year - olds , right ? Do you have any children together ? One dear sweet little week - old girl named Harriet Alice . She is the cutest thing that ever happened . We love her muchly , yes we do ! What about pets ? We have Florianus Prinzel , the Sausage Dog . We both swore before marriage that we wouldn 't have any pets besides nice , unemotional creatures like fish , but then we read a book about sausage dogs on our honeymoon . And then when we were made aware of a sausage dog for give - away , I lost my mind entirely and Steve complied . Florianus drives us bananas ( irrational creature that he is ) and somehow has a bladder that is smaller than a poppyseed , but we like him well enough and he keeps us entertained . I might cry when he dies . Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple ? Hmm . Well , we 've been through an amazing amount of accumulative life garbage over the past six months . It hasn 't been one big thing , but lots of little things and those add up , you know . However , as far as a challenge to our relationship as a couple I would say that Steve 's 12 - hour night shift job has been the most stressful on a regular basis . Being in an entirely different waking / sleeping routine is rough on a marriage . Did you go to the same school ? We were both home schooled , if that counts . Sometimes it feels like we went to the same school because home schoolers generally have similar experiences , and Steve was home schooled in a way that was a lot closer to the methods my own parents employed . In other words , neither of us would fit into the school - at - home category , which Steve took advantage of and I regretted . ( Not really . I just desperately wanted order and routine and textbooks . ) Are you from the same hometown ? Nope . Steve is from Modesto , CA and I 'm from landlocked Broken Bow , Nebraska . But for beach - loving me , I think that this alliance affords geographical advantage . We may be living in the Midwest , but we 'll always have to go visit his family in California . Who is the smartest ? Steve . And that 's not just because he wears glasses . ( Although when it comes to the practical aspects of life - like remembering where he put his glasses - I definitely win the prize . ) Who is more sensitive ? I guess that I 'm less cynical , but Steve is better at noticing when things aren 't right . Maybe he is just bolder about verbally recognizing the issues , too . Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple ? Ireland . Well , we weren 't a couple then . . . we didn 't even know that the other existed . . . but we were in Ireland in the same general place during the same exact time in Summer 2006 . But that doesn 't totally count . The farthest we 've traveled as a couple was to Disneyland for our honeymoon . Fun times . Who has the worst temper ? We both avoid confrontation like the plague ( which is a good and bad thing ) , so tempers rarely flare . I 'm usually the first to get really testy and irritable and start bawling . Steve tends to be majorly chill unless something illogical floats his way - usually the dog or some kind of instruction manual . In either case , we 're pretty quick to kiss and make up . Who does the cooking ? I do it on a regular basis during our normal routine , but since Harriet 's arrival Steve has been the primary chef . After all , if I don 't eat she doesn 't eat , so he has decided that he is indirectly helping out with feeding her if he feeds me . Hey , that works out fine and dandy . We really enjoy making a " date " out of cooking , though , and pulling together some crazy - fun dish from Mrs . Joy or Fannie Farmer . Who is more social ? Oh dear . In our natural , comfortable state I would say that our social level is about the same : we want to be around familiar people and talk about meaningful things . But when it comes to meeting people and providing the required small - talk in order to build a relationship , I seem to pull through more often than Steve . Who is the neat - freak ? Me . Hmm , I guess I am the most concerned about the overall neatness of our house and our general appearance , but Steve has his pet peeves . Like when the trash is overflowing ( sorry , dear ! ) and when the plastic in the cereal box isn 't rolled down tightly . Ahem . Who is more stubborn ? It depends on the situation , I suppose , but generally Steve is more stubborn , especially about situations that are somewhat removed from our own relationship . However , sometimes I feel like I get my own way an awful lot . Who hogs the bed ? Most definitely me , what with being hugely pregnant and now having a nursing baby and all that requires . But Steve is kind and sleeps on his six inches of bed without grumbling . Who wakes up earlier ? Me , again . It 's just so . hard . to linger in bed when the day is beckoning . Sometimes he gets me to stick around past 9am , but that 's rare . Where was your first date ? Depends on what you consider to be a date . Does the guy buy the meal ? If so , then it was after we were engaged . ( Pretty cool when the girl has to provide all of the funds for food and travel , eh ? ) If not , I would consider our first real date to be when we decided to go talk at Denny 's until 3 : 3oam . Loveliness . . . even if the Potachos gave us gastrointestinal fits the next day . How do you spend the holidays ? Hanging out with my fambly , because we live about five miles away . Otherwise we would be hanging out with his fambly . Who eats more ? Prior to Harriet Alice , I would have definitely said that Steve ate more than I do . But pregnancy and breastfeeding take it out of a girl ( even one with a rather small appetite ) , and now I eat just as much as he does , if not more . I seem to always be saying , " I 'm hungry , I 'm hungry . " Steve says that now I know what a teenage boy feels like . Oh goody . Now my life is complete . Who does / did the laundry ? We both do the laundry . We both put stuff in the various machines and we both neglect to actually fold it and put in away . It 's a struggle . Who drives when you are together ? Steve . I drive sometimes , particularly on long - ish trips , but normally I let him drive . He likes it and I get to read books out loud , so it 's a happy medium . Who is the romantic one ? We are romantic in different ways , but Steve is the first to say " I love you , " and to melt me with some sweet comment . Or with flowers . Or with a clean kitchen . Or a chapter from Winnie - the - Pooh . Or a kiss . Hooray ! We are discovering that most people , after offering congratulatory remarks , say something along the lines of , " Does she sleep through the night ? " or " Are you getting any sleep ? " or " How 's the sleeping going ? " Discussions of babies and sleeping are as prevalent as the mention of heat / air conditioning during a summer pregnancy . I know that most folks are trying to find a common ground of conversation and I appreciate it . It 's just kind of funny that sleep is always the topic . I 'm thankful to report that , yes , we are sleeping well . As some of you know , Steve and I are trying the co - sleeping , family bed , whatever - you - want - to - call - it and having Harriet sleep with us . The first few nights were horrible , not because she wasn 't sleeping but because I was a nervous wreck . When she was in bed with us I just knew that I would squish her or that the sheets would suffocate her . If I put her in the bassinet , I stressed about her not breathing or that she would be bawling and I wouldn 't hear her ( riiiiight ) Harriet slept like a log while I sat next to her wide awake and as stiff as a board , craning to hear every breath and nervously moving the sheets . It was so hard to let down my guard and let God protect her during the night . I know that he loves her infinitely more than I do and that his watchcare is ever so much more sufficient than mine , but it was a rubber - meets - the - road issue of trusting him . So I cried a bunch and talked to Mom about it and prayed very specifically about my concerns . Praise God that his peace does pass all understanding and that he provided some great tools to ease my concerns . We bought a wonderful co - sleeper which works like a charm . Harriet can 't go anywhere , nothing can get up around her face , and since I know exactly where she is , I 'm able to sleep really well . She is still in bed with us , so she has all of the benefits of co - sleeping and we don 't have to get up every few hours and fetch her from a crib . And she seems to sleep better in her own spot without flopping into me and remembering that it 's snack time . It is fantastic . I 'm trying to focus on the quality of our sleep versus how many hours are spent sleeping . Does it really matter if I 'm getting four total hours of sleep one night and six the next if I 'm feeling rested the next day ? Harriet is consistent in needing to snack every two to three hours , and she is also consistent about falling back to sleep quickly during the night . We have learned ( in our one week of parenting experience - woo ) to stay awake past her 12am party time , make sure she 's full and changed and then go to sleep . This routine seems to afford the most solid sleep at the onset of the night . . . er , early morning . ( This routine also requires a good nap in the afternoon , but that works well thus far ) . Harriet has her one week appointment this afternoon , so Auntie Clara and I are venturing out . Then we are all heading down to Kearney for an evening of double - dating and seeing the community theater performance of The King and I . So many adventures in one day ! So I 'm sitting here with a mildly sleeping Harriet on my lap and I just realized that my tea and breakfast burrito are staring at me from the kitchen counter . Uh , do I risk waking her up to go get them ? Such is the question of the first morning of Going Solo . I 'm not going entirely solo since Clara is coming later this morning . Steve tootled off to work an eight - hour day of training for his new position . It 's still a night shift , but at least it will only be an eight - hour night shift and will be on a predictable weekly schedule . The new routine feels fine and dandy when I think about it during the day time . It 's only when I 'm crawling into bed thinking that this is one of the last few nights of normalcy ( as normal as sleeping with a baby goes ) that I start bawling . Oh dear . There is a lot of Baby Stuff floating around in my brain right now ( imagine that ) , so I don 't really know where to start . I do know that I 'm not particularly in the mood to share some detailed birth story . That said , I would be remiss if I did not mention that the best way to handle a 24 - hour labor is to be oblivious to the fact that intense back cramps are actually contractions until a few hours before the precious baby makes her appearance . And that an epidural is proof of the doctrine of God 's common grace . Want more ? You 'll just have to find a more private way of contacting moi . Harriet is the best baby . She is generally calm , has about six massive poopy diapers a day , and eats as if her next meal will be months away instead of minutes away . Every day reveals that she is more Steve than me - actually , I 'm beginning to wonder how much of me is in her at all . She has Steve 's nose and mouth and eyes and hairline and concerned forehead . They sleep in the same position and make the same funny expressions when waking up ( or attempting to wake up ) . Her most awake time is between 12am - 1am . She does have dark hair , though , and it may be curly . I 'll hold out for that . My favorite thing is when she is nursing and she wraps her little pinky finger around my index finger as if to say , " I 've got you , Mom . You can 't go anywhere now . " I 'll have to get Clara to take a picture when she does it next . I 'm doing really well , now that the first few days of overall blechy soreness are a thing of the past . Lots of sitting around and taking ibuprofen and extra iron have helped with all of that . I was really grateful that we have had so many days here at home to chill and get used to our new family dynamics . We have spent more time just being this week than we have during any other time in this year of marriage and it has been refreshing . Steve is amazing . He has grabbed this fatherhood role by the horns and is just the kind of supportive , pro - active person I need right now and for always . ( And I would rent him out as a birth coach if that wouldn 't be so . . . weird . ) I feel like I 've fallen in love all over again with him and with Harriet . Now there are two people who are so embedded in my heart that the very thought of us ever not being together makes me melt into a hormonal puddle . Sigh . We were up and at ' em this morning and off to another appointment . Nothing has changed much , everything looks good , and there was the usual confusion about who I am and what I was supposed to be doing there . Woo - hoo . Okay , the following were taken at the request of Melinda , who claims that she hasn 't seen many pictures of me in an expectant state . I 'm not totally keen on the whole stand - in - the - same - spot - and - take - a - picture - each - week routine ( not that I have a problem with people who do , you understand ) , so I don 't have a whole slough of pictures to share . But thankfully I have a sister who can whip out her camera and take some after the Fourth of July shindig at the parents ' house . So we were having a bit of trouble coming up with a good plan for celebrating our anniversary this year since we have no idea when Baby Rodgers will show up . I couldn 't imagine that she ( or we ) will be exactly anxious for us to sneak away on an extended weekend to Disneyland - or even Lincoln for that matter . We also don 't do particularly well at getting presents that really meet the surprise quota , nor are we all that great at actually coming to a decision when buying gifts . After all , how will we know that we bought the absoballylutely perfect thing ? After spending at least an hour tossing around ideas , we were still coming up short . At least our anniversary wasn 't for a couple more weeks . Then , a few days later , inspiration hit . We would buy an espresso machine . This would be perfect because a ) we both like espresso , b ) we both like to experiment with making drinks , c ) we like saving money , d ) we would increase our popularity as a couple by about 200 % and e ) we would consequently be very happy people . Steve started looking around on Amazon . com and not only found one that was in our price range , but that also featured a $ 20 rebate coupon . This is where having a husband who could write for Consumer Reports pays off . The best part ? The whole shebang arrived a mere two days after the order . . . and that was with Free Super Saver Shipping . Here I be after attempting to steam milk for a latte . Heh . Let 's just say that various and sundry parts of milk , coffee , water , and mugs were all over the counter and I kept yelling things like , " Eep ! " and " Oh , crap ! " and Steve kept laughing at me . It was nice that the drink was worth the stress . Every day I wake up and think , " It could be today . " And every night I drift off to sleep wondering if this is the last night with just us two snuggled up . Rinse and repeat . I 'm really grateful that God provided all of the time necessary to get things done and that we aren 't scrambling around at the last minute to set up furniture , or make frozen meals , or whatever . However , in my quest to be hyper - prepared and organized I was unprepared for what to do when nothing else could be done . Why can 't I just know when Baby Rodgers will show up ? I need routine and predictability and the ability to stick everything on a schedule . Or maybe I don 't need it , I just want it . Yesterday felt like I entered into stir - crazy panic mode : can I really just sit here and read a book ? Is that . . . okay ? Isn 't something wrong with just sitting together and playing Civilization II on the computer for hours ? Surely there was a task somewhere to be done . But try as I might , nothing could be found . God is showing me that it is okay to just sit still and wait and enjoy these last few days of married life as we currently know it without the changes of a Baby or the stress of inconsistent work schedules . There is a difference between taking grateful advantage of the time God provides for rest and being pensively idle . I 'm learning to relax and embrace restful anticipation . This is my cheese - whiz of a sister , Little Annie Lou . We were reading books at the library whilst Mom was sorting through the weekly chaos of summer reading program forms and explaining missing books . Anne is very small for her age ( she looks more like an 18 - month old instead of a three - year - old ) , so when an older lady came over and started making googly - baby conversation with Anne , it was hard to keep from laughing . " Oooh , you are such a cute little baby ! " the lady oogled . " What is your name ? " The question was in reference to Anne , but stated as if I would answer . Anne looked straight at the lady and said " Anne " as clear as any three - year - old should . The lady was surprised and I was amused .

" Pioneers take the arrows " Oh , wait . I should be upbeat and taking arrows doesn 't sound like an upbeat thing to say . So , let me amend that statement . It was courage and vision that led the pioneers to leave behind a comfortable , settled life and trek West to begin a new life in a new place . Many of those from the East that went West found a strength within themselves that they didn 't see while they were in their old life . Instead of being one of those that just kind of went along with the others in the old life , they became leaders and visionaries in their new lives . The sentiments of that last paragraph come from a favorite author , Louis L ' Amour , in many of his books . So , I can 't really say that it is an original thought from me . However , what he said is truthful . Welcome to being a pioneer . Look ahead and ignore the " barking dogs " that give you negative opinions and comments . Louis L ' Amour also spoke of the barking dogs . In some of his stories , it was usually a father or older man telling a young boy how it was that when the Westward bound Conestoga wagons rolled through towns , the dogs came out to bark at them . His character then told the young listener that the barking didn 't stop the wagons from going on to their destinations . Following the advice of the Louis L ' Amour characters , may we all forge ahead with our plans , after carefully considering all consequences and leave the " barkers " behind . April 20 , 2011 My entry yesterday made mention of a phone call , of which I was pretty vague . Well , some of today 's happenings will also be vague or " nonexistent . " It relates to something that I 'm just not ready to mention yet . After some walking around the park today , we went into Oklahoma City to get ourselves a portable waste tank . While ours is a Thetford , it is grey in color instead of being blue . So , we have a " Grey Boy " instead of a " Blue Boy . " I just liked the features of the Thetford better than the Barker . The Tote and Store wasn 't even available , so we went with the one 27 gallon Thetford with the built in hose . I had done some online research and didn 't like hearing of some of the issues that some had experienced with the Barker . The Thetford was almost twice as much , but I think that for us , it will be a better deal . Unfortunately , with what all else was going on today , using the Grey Boy will need to wait until tomorrow . Not needing to show you all a picture of the " Grey Boy " , to finish out today , I 'll again just post some more pictures . After all , I don 't think I took one photograph myself today , so I 'll have to just give you some from other days . This first one is taken from our campsite . If you look closely , you can see two campers in front of us . Both of those are in pull - through sites with 50 Amp and water . Also , each of the pull - throughs , while close to the road , are spaced apart pretty well . This next one is of the California Campground . It has roughly 8 to 10 different sites , fairly close together and on opposite sides of the road . The tree on the ground was moved soon after this photo was taken . The park personnel were cleaning out some trees , which were to be moved further down this road and past a barrier gate . One of several picnic site areas . There were about 4 or 5 areas for RV 's and most of these other areas were for tents or day use . Of the five pull through sites , this one with the concrete pad was designated as a handicapped site , however , when faced Terry April 19 , 2011 Tuesday was a day with limited time in the canyon . We got up in the morning because we wanted to drive over to Elk City to visit with Alicia and Slade at Rolling Retreats . They are a couple that monitor some online sources for used DRV Suites products that have been repossessed and are being sold at auction . Once they get the purchased units back to Elk City , they go through them cleaning and checking all the systems built into the coaches . We first saw them a couple of years ago and drove over on that occasion to see their units and see if they really looked as good as their online photos showed the coaches to be . They were definitely good looking units . So far , in the last year and a half , they have sold about 20 different units . It has been my pleasure to mention them on three different RV forums for those that are looking for quality used DRV 's . While I 've mentioned them often , I only know of one couple that has definitely purchased a coach from them , but I know of another couple that plan to in the fairly near future . Should you ever be interested in dealing with a good Christian woman on a used coach , be sure and check them out . Here is their website : http : / / www . rollingretreats . com / While driving over to Elk City , my phone rang and even though I was driving , I had to answer it . Normally , when I 'm driving , I hand the phone to Jo so she can actually do the talking . This time , she was sitting in the back seat with TJ and Lady . Now , at this time , I won 't give any details as to what that phone call was all about . All I can say is to stay tuned as there may be an announcement in the future . After visiting with Alicia and Slade for a while , we left because they had just had a crew come in to start replacing the room on their home . While I would have loved to stay longer , we felt they would need to be free to deal with contractors and not with " visitors . " We returned to Red Rock Canyon and did some more walking in the afternoon . Other than that , we didn 't do much on Tuesday . So , to fillTerry April 18 , 2011 Not a lot was done today . We basically just walked around some and then sat and read or in my case , did a little on the computer . Early morning Jo walked the dogs down a ways to see how many of yesterday evening campers were still in the park . Most had gone with the exception of two just south of us in what is called the California Campground . Oh , by the way , while she was walking the dogs , I was sleeping in . Once I got up and had my coffee , I got ready and she and I took a walk without the dogs most of the way up the mile and a half park . Jo had an angioplasty done a few years ago on her heart and since then she has been on Plavix and Lipitor . Because of that we have extra precautions that we need to take . We don 't walk when it is extremely hot , and usually if we are walking , we try to stay in the shade as much as possible . While we are at home , we tend to walk some in the cool of the evening around the neighborhood and usually there is at least a breeze to help keep her cool . While here in the park , we 'll need to be more conscious of conditions . A second concern we have is that should she cut herself , she has a problem because Plavix is a blood thinner . Some time back , she managed to pinch her finger in amongst the computer equipment in a server rack and started bleeding . Believe it or not , while Band - aid strips helped , she still didn 't really stop bleeding for about three days . And , that was only a small cut . So , while walking here , we 'll need to either carry an umbrella to help shade her or she buys a hat . She 's not real crazy about the hat idea since they have a tendency to blow off here in the Oklahoma winds . I got out one of our canteens so that we can carry water when we are walking here in the park . Some time back , while researching online for information and pictures of Red Rock Canyon , I ran across one particular photo of the canyon wall and a very cool tree that was basically growing out more horizontally than vertically . We walked up into a branch canyon to where there are waTerry April 17 , 2011 As usual , our morning consisted of attending worship services in the morning . In our congregation , we participate in what are referred to as " Life Group Meetings " for what would normally be an evening worship service . The Life Groups meet in private homes in smaller groups . Also , they can meet at different times of the day instead of just in the evening . Our group actually meets immediately after the morning worship service in the home of one of our Elders . Our group consists of 6 couples when the full complement is in attendance . Our group actually has two Elders in it , so we have a real opportunity to learn more about God 's words in the Bible . In addition , our groups are made up or couples who are over 50 years old . ( And 50 might be a pretty low number for the group . ) Meeting immediately after morning services is a benefit for us . We live about 7 or 8 miles from the church building right now , but in the future we may very well live farther away , especially after we sell our house and move into the Mobile Suites full time . Then , even if we are 20 miles or more away ( a real possibility ) , we would only have to make one trip to Mustang for worship services . After our Life Group session , Jo and I immediately went home and finished loading the last of the " necessities " into the Mobile Suites so we could leave out today instead of tomorrow ( Monday ) . That gives us one more day in the park . It was questionable at first because the wind was really whipping it up today . Yesterday was a nice calm day but today made up for it . However , Jo and I did not want to delay any longer , so we went ahead and hooked up and headed for Red Rock Canyon State Park at Hinton , Oklahoma . Due to construction of a new bridge going into our neighborhood , we have to detour around about 5 miles to get what used to be about a ¾ mile distance . And , due to the condition of one of the roads , we chose to go a little different route , which took us through Tuttle , OK and over to Minco before going up north to El Reno and catchiTerry Last week , leading up to the negotiations over the Continuing Resolution for the last year 's budget , President Obama went out to give a " big speech " with his ideas . From those that are familiar with such things , his speech was more of a campaign speech than a Presidential speech . And , as he did in chastising the members of the Supreme Court in his first State of the Union Speech , he invited Paul Ryan and others to the speech at the university and then chastised them as well . He went on to talk of the greatness of America , but in his words , it wasn 't until the New Deal of Roosevelt , the War on Poverty of Lyndon Johnson , and their own socialist agenda in his current administration that America became great . After hearing of those words , and hearing some of the speech itself , I have to take exception to President Obama . There has long been an effort on the part of the left to demonize everyone from the Founding Fathers and up to today that isn 't socialist in nature and to praise those that are " progressives " and socialists . Nothing could be further from the truth . Roosevelt gave us Social Security and the notion that government spending is what leads to economic recovery . However , historians have proven that Roosevelt 's works actually lengthened the Great Depression by seven years . While many want to claim otherwise , it was actually WWII and its increased levels of production and manufacturing that led to additional jobs and an end to the Depression . Johnson promised a " set " amount of welfare for the poorest of our nation and that that amount would raise those in the poverty levels up to better conditions . In reality , the U . S . government far surpassed that " set " amount but has never decreased the percentage of those in poverty . In fact , that " free " money from the government led to increased poverty because so many decided a free handout was worth being enslaved to the power of government . Over the years , welfare payments were increased to mothers who had more children and they were told tTerry While we were in Red Rock Canyon State Park this last week , I was surprised that we did have internet service with our Verizon MiFi , although according to the phones , we had minimal tower bars showing . Just prior to making the trip , Jo decided to upgrade our older MiFi to the newer one that is 4G as well as 3G . She had helped a friend ( whose husband is deploying to Afghanistan ) get her new MiFi and laptop configured for internet usage . In doing that , she saw the speed of the 4G and since we will still be in the Oklahoma City area , she decided we needed to upgrade . Even though we had internet service , I didn 't realize that Jo had installed LiveWriter on her laptop for my benefit . So , I wrote a few posts and just kept them on the computer as Word files . Sorry , but I didn 't write a lot , so now I need to catch up . Incidentally , as you will later find in my posts about the vacation , Red Rock Canyon State Park is really nice and it is close enough to Interstate 40 to be a good " overnighter " site for RV ' ers . We saw overnighters all week long in the park . So , now on with the nonsense … . . Posted by It has been a few days since I last posted . While there hasn 't been a lot going on to prevent me from posting , there were just enough small things to get in the way . Sunday , the 10th , saw us helping the wife of one of Jo 's co - workers . He is a member of the National Guard and they are preparing to be deployed to Afghanistan for a lengthy time . Prior to his leaving for pre - deployment training , he purchase two new phones on the Verizon network because that system was the best for getting cell service at their home and around town where each of them work . Then , they set up for a 4G MiFi system for her internet service . So , Jo went to help get the lady 's computer set up for the MiFi and other issues . At some point , I had noticed that a support strap on the Mobile Suites had broken . At both the front and rear of the kitchen slide , there are these flat straps which are about 5 inches wide that are equipped with " loops " through which wiring and other things are routed . Some time back , the one in the back had broken off right at the frame of the fifth wheel . Rather than cut the strap straight across and drill new holes to re - attach to the frame , I attached a commercial door hinge to the frame and then attached the strap to the other half of the hinge . That way , when the slides are retracting and extending , the strap itself isn 't flexing that much at the frame . The broken rear strap . The Re - attached strap to the hinge . Well , this week I needed to do the same thing to the front strap on the kitchen slide . While it didn 't take as much time this time , due to me now knowing how to do it , I still spent about an hour and a half doing all that was needed to re - attach the strap . All of this was done after work . I certainly wanted it done before we went to Red Rock Canyon State Park because most of the tools and things I would need are here at the house . Oh , and all this lets me know that I need to re - assess what tools will be a part of the full - time RV ' ing . This evening , we went by the church and got the communion Terry Akiane Kramarik Revisited It is a pleasure to get back to more pleasing and beautiful subjects than politics . Last night , after posting the two posts for April 8 , I received an e - mail from Lori Henshey , the author whose articles on Colton Burpo and mentions of Akiane Kramarik really piqued my interest . While she has still not had an opportunity to interview Akiane , she did go ahead and write her own story , basing its information off of four different sources . There is a link at the bottom of this posting to her actual online article . At the bottom of her online story are the sources for her story , and each of those source 's names are active links which you can use to get to those source stories . Sadly , one source requires signing up for a " free trial , " which I opted to not do . But , each of those stories gives just a little different perspective . I have chosen to not post images of any of Akiane 's paintings in my posts , but you can see her paintings at this link . Just go into " Gallery " and enjoy . http : / / www . artakiane . com / Now , Lori Henshey 's story from Examiner . com : Akiane Kramarik : Visits to Heaven and Visions of Jesus By Lori Henshey , Religious & Spiritual Mysteries Examiner April 7th , 2011 Children are so fresh from God it 's no wonder some of them are given visions and signs from heaven . Their innocent and trusting natures allow them to believe what we adults would never accept . This must be part of what Jesus meant when he said : I tell you the truth , unless you change and become like little children , you will never enter the kingdom of heaven - Matthew 18 : 3 . So perhaps it would do us well as spiritual beings to listen to a little girl who - she claims - has had visions and visits with Jesus . And whether you believe she has truly walked and talked with Jesus , one cannot deny her artistic and poetic talent . Her name is Akiane Kramarik and she was born at home underwater , on July 9 , 1994 , in Mount Morris , Illinois , to a stay - at - home Lithuanian homemaker mother and an American father , chef and Terry Let 's start with what is going on today . In Washington D . C . , they are haggling over methods to keep from " shutting down the government . " One of the sticking points is that the Republicans want to defund numerous entities such as NPR , the National Endowment for the Arts , and Planned Parenthood . While defunding NPR wouldn 't amount to much , and perhaps not much more for NEA , removing federal funding for Planned Parenthood would save roughly 300 million dollars . Of course , the Democrats are adamantly trying to keep all funding for all those entities , and especially for Planned Parenthood , considering their performance of abortions . They are out there accusing the Republicans of wanting to kill women , take away women 's health benefits , and any number of ills that they can try to come up with , just to deceive the public . To hear the advocates of Planned Parenthood , one would think that all they ever do is pre - natal care , sex education , and birth control . However , one story I read had a little known tidbit that in one office alone , of roughly 6 , 000 women seeking assistance with a pregnancy , only three were advised of the option of adopting out their child . This post will only be about Planned Parenthood . I will try to demonstrate the evil that is this organization and perhaps in a way that many haven 't heard about . Not only are they in the business of aborting babies , there seems to be an advocacy of aborting the babies of minority women . This story from Human Events newspaper : Black Leaders Condemn Planned Parenthood 's Racism by Ericka Andersen 04 / 25 / 2008 ET Human Events Last year , more than $ 300 million American tax dollars funded the nation 's leading abortion provider , Planned Parenthood . Now , Planned Parenthood is under attack by pro - life African - Americans who believe there is a racist undertone in Planned Parenthood 's practices . Last month , a pro - life student newspaper in California placed phone calls to Planned Parenthood clinics across the nation posing as donors requesting their money be designTerry There is no way that I will post the text of the full article , but here is the link to a story from the New York Times regarding the creation of fuel from food stocks . http : / / www . nytimes . com / 2011 / 04 / 07 / science / earth / 07cassava . html ? _ r = 1 Should it be that you don 't want to read the entire thing , I 'll break it down in a kind of condensed version . The story begins with the information of using a root called Cassava in everything from tapioca pudding and ice cream to paper and animal feed . But , as the story goes on to point out , 98 percent of Cassava chips exported from Thailand , the world 's largest Cassava exporter , went to just one place and almost all for one reason . To China for biofuel This sort of practice leads to the depletion of food stocks , thus making it much more expensive in just about any kind of market . To me , it has always been a waste to take a product that is a food product with so many other uses as well and convert it to a fuel . ( For now , I won 't go into the overwhelming need for the U . S . to begin to tap into its own fuel sources . The price of gasoline and diesel ought to point that out . ) In a sense , mankind is getting to the point of burning our own food and creating shortages that will then increase prices . Just here in the United States we have done the same thing with Ethanol , which is a fuel product that is inefficient to create and also hard on the internal combustion engines . More and more products , especially those with small engines , are warning against using Ethanol in the fuel for those products . If I remember correctly , the current push to convert corn to Ethanol is not the first time for this country . It didn 't have good results before , and we are seeing a repeat of the same now . Within the last couple of years there have been complaints of the cost of food because of our actions . There were complaints coming up from Mexico about the cost of their corn tortillas . All so we can create a diluted fuel . If one were to look around , I 'd bet that one could find numerous examples oTerry The Congressional Budget and Impoundment Control Act of 1974 established a timetable for the annual budget process , which is kicked off each year by the Presidential budget submission . The Budget Act specifies that the President 's budget should be presented to the Congress on or before the first Monday in February . The Budget Act specifies that Congress should complete action on its budget resolution by April 15 of each year . Once the budget resolution conference agreement is adopted by both the House and the Senate , its terms govern the remainder of the budget process for that year . The budget resolution does not require Presidential signature , although its terms are binding internally on the actions of the Congress throughout the budget process . In early 2010 , the Democratic Party representatives CONTROLLED a majority of BOTH the House and the Senate , as well as the office of the President . Thus , they should have been able to complete the budget process , which by April 15 would have concluded with a budget for the 2011 federal fiscal year . However , that process was not done . In fact , in June of 2010 , Steny Hoyer , the House Majority Leader stated that they were " not even going to propose " a budget . Since 2006 , with the Democrats regaining control of Congress , they had been on a spending spree which massively accelerated with the election of a radical Democrat as President of the United States . Late 2009 and early 2010 saw the rise of the " Tea Party " movement , which is not an actual party , but the evolution of the disgust that many Americans had with their government . Even the Democrats , while deriding the Tea Party movement , recognized the strength and thus the likely losing of power if things stayed like they had been doing things . Thus , in 2010 , they decided to not propose and pass a budget because they knew that the citizens of America would plainly see the continued extravagant spending they had embarked upon . Instead , they simply enacted a series of " Continuing Resolutions " designed to fund the Terry Jo sat down this afternoon and began to read what I had posted in the past . In reading , she commented that some of the posts have a decent font size and others are smaller . In dealing with Blogger 's editor , if I go to edit a previous posting , the editor automatically defaults to certain formatting . Breaks between paragraphs disappear , and the font size defaults to a size " description " such as " small , " " normal , " " large " or whatever . The problem has been that " Normal " is the default and it causes the font to be smaller than what I have set the font size in LiveWriter . When working with a post , I first compose in Microsoft Word ( so I have more editing tools ) , then I " copy and paste " that into LiveWriter . When in LiveWriter , the font defaults to " Georgia " as the font name and that is fine with me . However , I do set the font size to " 12 " . Then when all photos and what are inserted where I want them , I " Publish " to Blogger . Now , I 've said all that just to let you know what I 've been doing , and this posting is a test post to see what happens if I choose " Large " in the Blogger editor instead of " Normal . " When I first went to edit another post , I was afraid that the " Large " would be too big , but this being a shorter post , it won 't take as much space if it is too large . Sorry if things seem confusing . Considering my issues with the newer technologies , perhaps I need one of these . With the font changed to " Large " it definitely comes up larger than the original . I think it may have also changed the font style , but I don 't know . Testing Complete . . . . . for now . Final test of the editing … at least for this posting . I 've retrieved the posting from the blog into LiveWriter . So far , it doesn 't look like I can reset the font sizes to " 12 . " I am able to type in new text in that size . Posted by Today , April 2 , there have been a few comments on a thread on RV Dreams which was started by a gentleman that had purchased a class A RV and began to complain that it was a money pit . In his first post , he referred to the person who sold it to him as not being very smart because he had used the wrong material to patch the roof around a skylight or vent or something . Thus , the roof leaked and the wall began to de - laminate . My first thought was that perhaps he should have got an RV tech to look the unit over before he bought it . Such a mistake in fixing something should have just jumped out at the tech . But , apparently this gentleman didn 't take a tech to see the RV . As the thread continued , he began to complain about the cost of fixing the brakes after he had a tech inspect them before a long trip . So , he paid $ 800 to the tech for the inspection and then paid something like $ 1200 to fix the brakes and a promise of roughly $ 3000 more to be done . He also complained about the cost for labor for RV repairs . If you wish to see for sure what was written , the link to that thread is here : http : / / www . activeboard . com / forum . spark ? aBID = 91511 & p = 3 & topicID = 41963941 All in all , he has decided that it is cheaper to fly to where he wants to go and then rent a car . Suddenly , it appears to me that this gentleman doesn 't really want the RV lifestyle as much as he thought . Or , perhaps he just thought an RV would be a cheap method to travel to the casinos . The whole episode brings home the importance of really thinking ahead on what one wants to do with their life and the lifestyle . Jo and I certainly considered things a lot . While we knew that we really wanted to travel and see the country , we also knew that when we retired , we would never be able to afford the home in which we now live . Thus , we decided that a fifth wheel could be stationary as well as moveable . While one could find a place to rent , we preferred the idea of traveling as much as we could . Renting would have let us fall back on the landlord or property manager to gePosted by We suspected that the lady wanting to buy our house was going to back out of the contingency contract due to a couple of reasons , one of which is a poor market where she is trying to sell her house . At one time , there were possible issues as to whether she was going to have a serious health issue , but that we haven 't confirmed . Anyway , the realtor helping us with our " Home for Sale by Owner " called and said that she had officially released the contract on our house . So , although we have still been somewhat active in selling even without her contract , we will have to get a little more aggressive now . Hopefully , her health isn 't as bad as she thought . She was a nice young lady with a teen - age daughter . I wasn 't sure how easy it would be for her to be a single mom and still afford this house . We still have a couple of options . Devon Energy is building a new 50 story headquarters building in downtown Oklahoma City and an energy company out of Enid , Oklahoma is buying their old headquarters building . That would be roughly 250 people moving from Enid into the Oklahoma City area . Maybe one of those folks would be interested . We are seriously considering putting a classified ad into the Enid paper . Who knows ? I might even get bold enough to send some kind of message with information right to the Enid energy company . But , for now , we get a little more active in trying to sell the house . While the housing market isn 't that bad in the Oklahoma City area , homes in the price range of our house aren 't really moving that fast . Wish us luck . Here is a sort of aerial view or out neighborhood . Our house is the one with the " X " on the roof . Posted by I retain all rights to all the content within the site known as " Ignoring the Barking Dogs " , both as written text and photographic images , unless specified otherwise . Upon request , I may release said content for use by others . Please respect my wishes . Thank you .

Im getting up there in age , but I still care about how I look . And this banding under the neck isn 't pretty . And the whole jawline has lost its definition . I know we 're suppose to age gracefully , but the truth of the matter no one does . Age can be hard to take on anyone . I have excepted my wrinkles , but that neck area I don 't like at all . I tried to nab this thing in the butt when I was 48 . And I got it just in time , when gravity was just starting to show in my face . But as I look in the mirror , I see the wrinkle smiles , I like them , but the neck / jawline thing . . no thank you . Not If I can do something about it ! ! I probably could go for a whole face lift , but I think my eyes and forehead are fine . When woman get into another whole face lift , I see tight mouth areas . I would love if my mouth didn 't turn down so much . But maybe there 's hope with the mini lift to get rid of the little bit of jowl going on . No one wants to look sad . I 've been preparing all this week . Because I just actually decided to go forward . My PS was talking a full face lift , but I just think I 'll be happy with the mini and happier with less of a bill ! ! I 'm no stranger to the elective surgery , so I know how to prepare . But my anxieties are still pretty high . It 's always a risk . I 'm in very good health . And have had all my pre surgery testing done . I have an echocardiogram every year , my mammograms , paps , eye exams , dentists . All that good stuff we tend to in our household . I had my pre - surgical at the hospital done 2 days ago . That 's where they get all your health history , all your Doctor 's names , numbers , all prescription medications and even any supplements you take . They don 't want you taking any thing that thins the blood , it will make more bleeding . So since I take vit . E , and Ibuprofen sometimes , I stopped them over a week ago . I still have to see my Primary for just a physical and he has to fax over a consent form to the hospital . I had my ekg and echocardiogram 2 months ago . So I 'm set there . The Hospital took blood for testing . I 'm prettjaw line I WAS tired when I went to bed , and dozed off , then I 'm wide awake again . I did enough around here today , I should be exhausted ! ! Thinking , will I get to see my PS tomorrow ? ? ? I know he is there on Monday but only until 11 : 30 , then he has surgeries . I have to call 1st thing at 9 when they open . I have to see him and find out what I will actually have done . A mini lift , is not going to cut it ! ! ! I need lower face lift and neck lift . With Lipo to chin and jowl and fat transfer . I 've done my research , let 's see if he thinks on the same lines . I 've pre paid him , I 'm sure there 's going to be more . It will be up in the $ 12 's ! ! Then I had to prepay my hospital facility bill , that was $ 1 , 300 . And last the annethesioligist . I 'm going General Annestisia . I don 't usually have any problems with it , except I 'm exhausted and can 't urinate . But last time 2 nurses kept dragging me to this toilet , and I couldn 't go for 4 hrs . ! ! ! Then they gave up and took me to a room . Finally I went , when no one was pressuring me . I guess they changed all that , I was told I 'd be taken to the 3rd . Floor in the room I started out in . Good they improved their system ! ! I got a lot on my mind , my husband came down with severe sciatica pain in both legs about a month ago . Then he just got worse like a week ago . His neurologist gave him tests and the nerve in one leg is being compromised . He was put on a higher dose of Lyrica 3 days ago . But I 've been waiting on him hand and foot . This never happens . . . well not in 15 yrs . it hasn 't , it took him a good 2 weeks in bed to get better . So it 's been pretty tough trying to get everything settled for this Thurs . surgery . He 's using a Walker now , it was a cane for 2 weeks . So he drags that thing around like no body 's business ! ! ! It 's noisy and clammity ! ! ! When he does get up ! We have to laugh at ourselves ! ! ! We always told each other we would get old and have walkers and paint red flames on it ! ! I 'm not worried about myself , well except for the first day , I will be out of it ! ! But with him downstairs . . . with thatChange in Plan : Now I 'm doing a lower Face Lift ! ! ! ! Trusting my PS now and my own instinct . Not doing the mini . I was extremely worried about that very tight mouth . But if you look at my before photos , I need some help turning that mouth up a tad , getting those gowls done and of course that neck ! ! I don 't want to go under the knife and half way address my problems . And this is it . . . I will not ever do this again . So let 's get it right . It 's going to be longer of a surgery . He thinks 4 hrs . That frightens me . But I am a healthy woman , I work out regularly . And trying to get my weight at the right place . This could help me . It 's always a risk and I know this . But I was once told that you got to put your trust in the medical field . I 've been so busy with my husband and handling most everything in the past 10 days , I have not had time to get too nervous . I 'm in bed now and it 's dinner time . My eyes sting like crazy when I don 't get my sleep and my back is tight . Lugging groceries and driving around today to appointments . My remainder of bill is paid on my PS . So tomorrow 's another day out . Need more groceries . Because hubs is not going to be able to get out and about by himself . But he 's going to be fine . I always take care of my baby . But I miss his help around the house ! ! ! I have to keep in mind foods I can grab that are healthy with out cooking . So I need some frozen dishes for maybe 4 days or we will order out . We will be fine ! ! ! I 'll say my prayers ! ! ! Here 's how it started : First thing I do is come down stairs this morning and my Hubs says you overdrafted for bank acct . ! ! ! Haven 't even had a cup of coffee yet . I look at my acct . and I wrote a check to my PS out of the wrong checkbook ! ! ! Holy cr * p ! ! ! I 'm calling my bank and can 't get a real person on the phone for 45 min . Then I give up and call my the bank in my village of Great Neck and speak with the manager of the bank she tells me to come in and we 'll make a deposit with a check from the check book I was to use for my PS . Those Plastic Surgeons want that money way in advance ! ! ! ! I 'm panicking because it 's going to bounce ! ! I never bounce checks . . . never ! ! So we pay the remainder to my PS out of my Hub 's Credit Card at my PS 's office . So then I have to Fax all my last minute release forms and the new procedure of full lower FL . and not the Mini 10 pages . Then off to the races after breakfast and to the bank . It 's bounced and I will have a late fee ! ! ! . Who cares ! ! As long as I can put the check in for deposit only in my acct . then write a check to my Hubs because he doesn 't pay for this kind of thing , I do ! ! Then off to the grocery store to stock up for 2 weeks , because I 'm not going anywhere looking like that ! ! Now I have to get all prepared foods . . yuck . Because he 's laid up with sciatica . . and walkers , you think we were 80 ! This just started this sciatica and he 's bad off like 15 yrs . ago ! ! Now he 's on a steroid for the inflammation . So I 'm doing all the shopping and lugging bags by myself . He can 't do anything , he 's just driving me . Thankfully because I 'm a wreck ! ! So I 'm finally ready to prepare my bedroom with somewhat healthy snacks to eat and drink my survival food , because he can 't be coming up & down the stairs in his condition ! ! Then while I get upstairs , He yells up to me what 's wrong with the microwave ! ! ! ? ? ? It 's dead . All of the sudden our microwave died and All the food I got is so he doesn 't have to cook , he moves too slow now , but now the microwave decided to just die tonight ! ! Every meal I go7 : 30 Surgery Scheduled today . Today 's my day . Its almost 4 : 00am . I have to shower . But I washed and blew dry my hair last night . So that part is out of the way . No make up , no problem ! ! I am to arrive at this Hospital at 5 : 30am . 2 hrs . early . Go to Lobby , ask for someone to come and get a wheelchair and get my Husband , my driver . He 's to bring his Walker . They said he can go up to the 3rd . floor with me , while they get me ready . And they will get him snacks , or anything he needs . Then when surgery is done , my Dr . notifies him by phone and they bring me back up to 3rd . floor room . Then most likely I 'll have to pee , before I get the ok to leave . And for some reason it doesn 't come easy after General Anesthesia . Then if all is well I go HOME ! ! ! ! ! ! Wish me luck ! ! ! ! Home and resting ! ! ! ! So glad that part is over . I 'm all bandaged up around the head . I brought I scarf to cover the mummy look . There was one young woman visiting the Hospital on my way out , that looked , then looked again and again and again , with a smirk . Sometimes I can 't believe people . Staring is so rude . If I see something like that I don 't go out of my way and stare . Well anyway , I was sure in pain when the nurses and my Dr . We 're trying to wake me , I could barley speak , my through hurt at the time , I was trying to focus and everything was blurry still . Trying to tell them I had a horrible headache ! ! ! ! It was awful ! ! ! They gave me something through my IV . Right now I 'm still headachy , like a pressure and my ears hurt . I 've been home sitting up in bed for 4 hrs . maybe ? ? I don 't know about anyone else with General Annestisia but I sure am miserable . I don 't like that , I mean Miserable ! ! Of course I have been even before . It was like I blew a gasket . I don 't like being that way . But I guess you 'll get like that if your sleep deprived and things were getting a little nutty around here . A lot of stress . I should of cancelled , because of my husband 's condition . But I am trying to fend for myself here in my room . I even set up pineapple juice in a big thermal jugs with ice before we left . All I want is cold things to eat , so soothing ! ! I have single servings of jello with fruit , fruit cocktail , whole wheat crackers with peanut butter or cheese . Dried prunes . Lots of bottles of water with bending straws . I don 't want to bother him . I just need him to page me when it 's time to take my antibiotic and pain killer . You really need to get ahead of the game before that pain starts , at least for a couple of days . Tomorrow I see my PS to get head wrap off , hope this horrible headache diminishes somewhat . 11 : 00 am . appt . Of all things my husband forgot his cell phone for the Hospital . He 's really very anal kind of guy , I guess he was a little out of sorts . He never forgets that thing ! ! ! Such an important time to have it , when the Dr calls ! ! ? ! ! ! Pain was not too much . I went to see PS today . I looked pretty good then , just bruising on neck . He said I 'm going to be beautiful and look 30 ! ! Lol ! ! If I do , I won 't feel 30 , I 'm 63 and have cellulite legs and get very stiff in the back . I used a cane to go up to see him , just to steady myself because I had a Percocet . But I was good . My husband drove me but , he 's not going to be any service to me when he 's using a walker . He stayed in the car . It would be like the blind leading the blind ! ! ! My Pas told me to stop the antibiotics . He always does that but I don 't usually see him the following day . I had breast lift last year . Don 't worry about pain , it 's there , more like ear pain because he cut there . Neck is tight . Right now I have swelling in my face more just in the past hour . I took Tylenol PM after I cleaned up around the kitchen a little . Not much to clean . I was well prepared . Probably why I was such a Bitch before surgery . Lol ! ! I really had to knock myself out here to get things prepared for myself and my husband . I 'm use to his help . I had my shower , he gave me the ok , had to wash that blood out of my hair . I wet the hair then put conditioner on it to ease out the dried blood , the washed with shampoo . I have a Hibiclens to wash around incision areas . and staples behind ears and upper side burns . It 's a Antiseptic / Antimicrobial skin cleanser , in a turquoise plastic bottle . I used showered with it before my surgery , they say use Dial . I like this better . Then I went up to bed and fell asleep for 2 , hrs . from the Tylenol PM I had took . Well I 'm closing I feel pain and it 's like a sinus pressure . I 'm back to taking Percocet . Every 4 hrs for at least 2 / 3 days I need the Percocet . Don 't wait , try to take it before it gets worse . So pretty much taking care of myself . He did make some brown rice . I bought deli roast beef and it 's hard to chew a sandwich . So I asked him just to boil me up some rice and shred the beef in it . Eww , I came down and he was eating it too ? So i said who in their right mind would eat that unless they had to ! The face and neck wrap can be uncomfortable I wore the wrap through the whole day yesterday and slept in it . It keeps the swelling down . It is off for a breather now . I 'll give myself 15 min . I put Neosporin antibiotic ointment on incisions . Under the chin , behind and in the ear . . yes he put my incisions in the ear , the old outside ones are gone ! ! I still have stapes though in between the hairline to the back of the ear kind of at a slant across . Those scars are hard to hide , when your hair is up . And more staples above at the temples . So I 'm pulled tight ! ! For bruising I put Arnica gel on my face . . mostly cheeks and neck is really bruised up . I also am still taking my Arnica Montana 30X orally 5 times a day . I ordered them through Amazon . They 're little tiny pellets you dissolve under your tongue . I took them 5 days before surgery , given to me by my PS . Just a small pack of them . He gave me the head wrap too yesterday . Sterile Gauze pads both for padding over Neosporin ointment . . protects the stitches and staple from rubbing under head - wrap , they can be cut into strips for behind ear friction . And under chin . That head wrap can be constrictive ! ! ! Foods and Drinks Coconut water , coconut juice , pineapple juice / healing properties . I have in a thermal jug in my bedroom . Stay hydrated . Peanut butter crackers and cheese crackers to take with your pain killers in evenings . You need a solid food with those kind of meds . Fruit , jello single cups soothes the throat Bending straws when ever I drink anything hot or cold . So you don 't have to raise your neck up . Soft foods , chewing is not fun for a while Feeling so much better today ! ! I 'm off the Percocet , I hope . Unless the pain starts to get intense again , I won 't hesitate to take it . I 'm taking Tylenol now . I started that at 1 : 30 am . Then woke up uncomfortable with head wrap at 7 : 30 and took it off and slept with it off for 3 hrs ! ! ! I just couldn 't stand it . It 's fine in the neck , it fits . . . but when I close the Velcro at the tip of my head it barely reaches . It 's a medium . . . so I probably could of used a Large and sewed the neck smaller . I have a wide forehead . Tiny chin as you can see . Lol ! ! ! I did order a new headwrap in a medium from another company , made out of a more " giving " fabric . I hope . This one makes my jaws ache . . . or like my bottom teeth ache . It 's awful . I 'm going to take a Tylenol now . Catch you later . Maybe photos . Try not to be frightened ! ! ! ! ! Had my second shower ! ! Some of bruising turning yellow , injection sites by mouth are dark purple . Put my topical arnica on then vitamin e oil face and body ! Dry and cold here in New York . Neosporin ointment on stitches and staples . Wondered why I was getting a few stabs in my ear . Come to find out there was dried blood in in . All cleaned up now ! ! Hate my head wrap PS gave me ! ! Yanked it off and made my own with Ace Bandages ! ! Until the new one comes in that I ordered ! ! Please let this one fit right ! I wear 24 / 7 ! ! I 'm trying to share my experience , hoping to help others when they do go through with this . I hope I 'm of some help as other Real Self - ers have helped me in the past . I really don 't know what I 'd do with out all this good information you all have donated . Thank you from the bottom of my heart . It 's a good community . Today 's photos 4 days post , I have the strap off . I hate that thing with a passion . It 's just too small in the head wear it tightens on top . The neck is fine . I have vitamin e oil on my face after I applied the Arnica gel . I felt a little dry . I think I will go back to washing my face with Hibclens , it doesn 't make me dry and it 's an antiseptic cleanser ! ! It gets harder to stay in when you start to have energy . But I can 't look down , or bend over . I bend at the knees and try to look forward . Keeping the wash up , kitchen and baths clean and tiding up , is all I do . In 10 days I 'll be back to work , I work from home on the computer most of the time and we have to travel with our businesses . Good night all , hope all are well ! ! ! Strange lip quivering while sleeping ! ! This is very odd and I 'm just recalling it now , but I need to know if any of you ever had this symptom after neck lift and it both face lift ? The noise I make wakes me up ! ! My head is up on my wedge along with pillows , I am sleeping , I 'm wearing the head / chin wrap like I 'm supposed to do . While in deep sleep last night my lips started quivering , or just vibrating pierced together , because that wrap is bringing the lips tight together . It 's not uncomfortable in fact it feels good , but it 's noisy ! ! I 'm trying to sleep for God 's sake ! ! My husband thinks it 's from trauma , even though I was asleep my body went through trauma . Makes sense . I think it 's the nerves in the face reacting upon this damned head sling ! ! ! So freaking weird ! ! ! No make - up update Feeling good , except for once in a while I get a quick dizzy spell . I do too much bending and looking down , I know we really aren 't suppose to bend over , I forget . It 's kind of hard I 'm kind of on my own with hubs out of commission . I hope I don 't ruin what I paid and suffered for : / I don 't think I mentioned these sensations . The first few days my neck and mouth felt tight . I did have lower bottom teeth ache and kind of jaw pain . But basically a lot of the pain was with wearing the head / chin wrap , it was way too tight if you look in the photos I posted back then . I did get a new one which fit nicely and didn 't squish my face all up . My Doctor is in full belief of the chin / neck wrap that I wore it 24 / 7 ! I have it off now . I see my Dr / Plastic Surgeon tomorrow to have those awful looking staples removed . I 'm anxious to see what he says about wearing that wrap still I will be 2 weeks . It fits well , but some thing constantly on your face and around your neck is never comfortable . The neck especially , even with this light new one by Caromed is constricting in the neck , I have to lay soft gauze pads under it , digs into my tender skin in the neck . I have read a lot of Plastic Surgeons don 't believe they help after 7 days . Mine is made of 45 % nylon & 55 % spandex . It 's very light weight , and isn 't like the one I had been given by my PS , with those thick bonded seams by my mouth . I will attach a photo of the new one . But for today I 'm not wearing it ! ! Photos of Face / neck wrap I re read my previous review , and I failed to mention , that I have all sensations in my ears , meaning the whole ear , behind the ear , even where the staples are behind the ear . All of my mouth I can feel and have been able to open it wide as of 5 days post . I can feel the chin . I can 't however feel under my chin or jawline or outer cheek area . But I get little rubber band like snaps once in a while : ) doesn 't hurt , just telling me the nerves are growing back ! ! ! The upper neck no sensation , that had a tad of liposuction ! The lower neck has sensation but feels tender , like a light sunburn if anything touches it . The above stapled area , which is in my hair at a slant in the temple area is numb , when touching it I feel like I have one of those metal snap barrettes in it ! So strange , but a good sign . But all is good , feel well rested . Hi everyone ! ! Trying to keep the updates going , but busy with work ! I 've had a few notice , but they kind enough to say , you look great ! ! Rested . I 'm in quite a large office and we each have our own space . My bruising is very slight mostly by the mouth . My husband took a photo of me and he said I can 't believe this photo it looks just like your High School photo . It does , the rounder fuller face we have with youth , but it 's the swelling ! It will soon be gone . My neck still feels tender when I touch it . At left side beside my chin there 's one area that 's not as defined because up the swelling . Over all I feel great , glad to be back to work ! ! Staying home on my computer working was kind of dull ! Some swelling still but not much . Still can 't feel my sides of cheeks . But everywhere else I have sensation . Scars are pink . In the back behind ears they are raised still . I will go back to using my silicone gel . I thought it was making them more red . Not the case , still only 4 weeks post surgery . So lots of healing to be done . Takes 3 months , a lot could happen ! ! Good or bad , we just never know . I was always positive but I 've seen a review or 2 where the results were poor . Maybe it depends more on how good your skin is & your health in general ! My health is very good and I eat healthy and exercise . So I 'm hoping ! What 's New ? So far I feel great . I still have some swelling of corse , I only 6 weeks 5 days . It really does take 3 mo . to see final results . I can see indents on the sides of my face from my glasses when I take them off . I have a few photos to post . Catch you later I 'm doing well , my cuts are still red by my ears and behind them . When I look down I see a little swelling , not sure if it 's my outcome because I 'm real close to 3 mo . post . But I have a small chin , so every tiny thing shows . I see my PS in 2 days . He knows about the left side under my chin there 's a little bulging . It 's where he tied the knot under my chin stitch . He said he 'd fix it . We 're waiting to see if it goes down . Last time I seen my PS I had a tad of filler in upper lip . The nurse said and my PS oh I 'll be swollen and look like a duck for a couple of days , I 'll have to stay home . Didn 't happen ! ! I barely notice it ! ! It costs $ 650 . 00 . I will find out how much he used . But defiantly needs more . The nurse gave me cortisone shots for the raised scars behind my ears . But on the left she broke the needle , so that 's still raised more than the other side where she was able to get all of it in . No charge for that . I have photos this time . I 've been very busy at my job and haven 't had much time for updates . I titled it my review : Its as Good as it Gets , like the movie with Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt , because that about sums up my photos ! I 'm 63 ! ! But I think I look good , happy with my results ! I probably could use a peel of some kind ! ! My skin gets these clear little bumps called seboric - keratosis . Not a lot , they come with age and from the sun . They 're harmless but I hate them , they 're rough to the touch ! I get them mostly on the chest . But i figured a way to get rid of them . And I wear sun screen all the time ! ! I 'm fair complexioned ! Photo of Caromed Face / Neck Lift wrap Dr . Sasson is the very best in his field . If you want the very best and feel safe at the same time . My results are excellent and I am very happy I chose Dr . H . Sasson . I look like myself , but much more refreshed . I have not told anyone other than my husband . I get a lot of compliments on how great my skin looks . Sometimes I 'll be talking to friends and they 'll say you are so beautiful . I have to just look at them , say thank you . But then I 'll laugh , because I 'm 63 ! ! How can one look beautiful ? It 's a very nice compliment . I just wanted that neck to tighten up . That was a little hard to take . I don 't go around thinking , oh I 'm the cats meow now . I feel like the same person . Sometimes I 'll get a glimpse in the mirror and say , wow , I look good ! ! I guess I did this because of my age , it 's the last I 'd do , I would not keep going for surgeries . I wanted to feel a little more confident . I think if I had to sum it up , it was about the neck , the few wrinkles on my face weren 't bothering me , I like them , when I smiled . Sometimes I 'll get some stares and it 's like , What ? ? . . . . I 'm not a slim girl , kind of solid actually , I work on my weight when I 'm not stressed . I have been very busy with work , I got myself down to part time now . Soon I will retire . My Dr . was awesome and I am very fortunate that I could do this . One thing I would have to say to women who consider this , is to go ahead , go for it . But I know in real life , I know that you can 't really tell people of plastic surgery . I told my husband and an acquaintance because she told me of her surgery . It 's a shame , because I don 't want to mislead a person that there is some miracle cream that can fix aging . There is none ! ! ! But I 'm wise enough to know women . . . . they judge you , they see you as a person that does not except the aging process , that are only into what they look like . And it 's not so , I feel all of my age and think when a woman or man does this , it 's about preserving . It 's about trying to stay active and healthy , even in our sixties and yes , forever will women wGreat Neck Plastic Surgeon

Im getting up there in age , but I still care about how I look . And this banding under the neck isn 't pretty . And the whole jawline has lost its definition . I know we 're suppose to age gracefully , but the truth of the matter no one does . Age can be hard to take on anyone . I have excepted my wrinkles , but that neck area I don 't like at all . I tried to nab this thing in the butt when I was 48 . And I got it just in time , when gravity was just starting to show in my face . But as I look in the mirror , I see the wrinkle smiles , I like them , but the neck / jawline thing . . no thank you . Not If I can do something about it ! ! I probably could go for a whole face lift , but I think my eyes and forehead are fine . When woman get into another whole face lift , I see tight mouth areas . I would love if my mouth didn 't turn down so much . But maybe there 's hope with the mini lift to get rid of the little bit of jowl going on . No one wants to look sad . I 've been preparing all this week . Because I just actually decided to go forward . My PS was talking a full face lift , but I just think I 'll be happy with the mini and happier with less of a bill ! ! I 'm no stranger to the elective surgery , so I know how to prepare . But my anxieties are still pretty high . It 's always a risk . I 'm in very good health . And have had all my pre surgery testing done . I have an echocardiogram every year , my mammograms , paps , eye exams , dentists . All that good stuff we tend to in our household . I had my pre - surgical at the hospital done 2 days ago . That 's where they get all your health history , all your Doctor 's names , numbers , all prescription medications and even any supplements you take . They don 't want you taking any thing that thins the blood , it will make more bleeding . So since I take vit . E , and Ibuprofen sometimes , I stopped them over a week ago . I still have to see my Primary for just a physical and he has to fax over a consent form to the hospital . I had my ekg and echocardiogram 2 months ago . So I 'm set there . The Hospital took blood for testing . I 'm prettjaw line I WAS tired when I went to bed , and dozed off , then I 'm wide awake again . I did enough around here today , I should be exhausted ! ! Thinking , will I get to see my PS tomorrow ? ? ? I know he is there on Monday but only until 11 : 30 , then he has surgeries . I have to call 1st thing at 9 when they open . I have to see him and find out what I will actually have done . A mini lift , is not going to cut it ! ! ! I need lower face lift and neck lift . With Lipo to chin and jowl and fat transfer . I 've done my research , let 's see if he thinks on the same lines . I 've pre paid him , I 'm sure there 's going to be more . It will be up in the $ 12 's ! ! Then I had to prepay my hospital facility bill , that was $ 1 , 300 . And last the annethesioligist . I 'm going General Annestisia . I don 't usually have any problems with it , except I 'm exhausted and can 't urinate . But last time 2 nurses kept dragging me to this toilet , and I couldn 't go for 4 hrs . ! ! ! Then they gave up and took me to a room . Finally I went , when no one was pressuring me . I guess they changed all that , I was told I 'd be taken to the 3rd . Floor in the room I started out in . Good they improved their system ! ! I got a lot on my mind , my husband came down with severe sciatica pain in both legs about a month ago . Then he just got worse like a week ago . His neurologist gave him tests and the nerve in one leg is being compromised . He was put on a higher dose of Lyrica 3 days ago . But I 've been waiting on him hand and foot . This never happens . . . well not in 15 yrs . it hasn 't , it took him a good 2 weeks in bed to get better . So it 's been pretty tough trying to get everything settled for this Thurs . surgery . He 's using a Walker now , it was a cane for 2 weeks . So he drags that thing around like no body 's business ! ! ! It 's noisy and clammity ! ! ! When he does get up ! We have to laugh at ourselves ! ! ! We always told each other we would get old and have walkers and paint red flames on it ! ! I 'm not worried about myself , well except for the first day , I will be out of it ! ! But with him downstairs . . . with thatChange in Plan : Now I 'm doing a lower Face Lift ! ! ! ! Trusting my PS now and my own instinct . Not doing the mini . I was extremely worried about that very tight mouth . But if you look at my before photos , I need some help turning that mouth up a tad , getting those gowls done and of course that neck ! ! I don 't want to go under the knife and half way address my problems . And this is it . . . I will not ever do this again . So let 's get it right . It 's going to be longer of a surgery . He thinks 4 hrs . That frightens me . But I am a healthy woman , I work out regularly . And trying to get my weight at the right place . This could help me . It 's always a risk and I know this . But I was once told that you got to put your trust in the medical field . I 've been so busy with my husband and handling most everything in the past 10 days , I have not had time to get too nervous . I 'm in bed now and it 's dinner time . My eyes sting like crazy when I don 't get my sleep and my back is tight . Lugging groceries and driving around today to appointments . My remainder of bill is paid on my PS . So tomorrow 's another day out . Need more groceries . Because hubs is not going to be able to get out and about by himself . But he 's going to be fine . I always take care of my baby . But I miss his help around the house ! ! ! I have to keep in mind foods I can grab that are healthy with out cooking . So I need some frozen dishes for maybe 4 days or we will order out . We will be fine ! ! ! I 'll say my prayers ! ! ! Here 's how it started : First thing I do is come down stairs this morning and my Hubs says you overdrafted for bank acct . ! ! ! Haven 't even had a cup of coffee yet . I look at my acct . and I wrote a check to my PS out of the wrong checkbook ! ! ! Holy cr * p ! ! ! I 'm calling my bank and can 't get a real person on the phone for 45 min . Then I give up and call my the bank in my village of Great Neck and speak with the manager of the bank she tells me to come in and we 'll make a deposit with a check from the check book I was to use for my PS . Those Plastic Surgeons want that money way in advance ! ! ! ! I 'm panicking because it 's going to bounce ! ! I never bounce checks . . . never ! ! So we pay the remainder to my PS out of my Hub 's Credit Card at my PS 's office . So then I have to Fax all my last minute release forms and the new procedure of full lower FL . and not the Mini 10 pages . Then off to the races after breakfast and to the bank . It 's bounced and I will have a late fee ! ! ! . Who cares ! ! As long as I can put the check in for deposit only in my acct . then write a check to my Hubs because he doesn 't pay for this kind of thing , I do ! ! Then off to the grocery store to stock up for 2 weeks , because I 'm not going anywhere looking like that ! ! Now I have to get all prepared foods . . yuck . Because he 's laid up with sciatica . . and walkers , you think we were 80 ! This just started this sciatica and he 's bad off like 15 yrs . ago ! ! Now he 's on a steroid for the inflammation . So I 'm doing all the shopping and lugging bags by myself . He can 't do anything , he 's just driving me . Thankfully because I 'm a wreck ! ! So I 'm finally ready to prepare my bedroom with somewhat healthy snacks to eat and drink my survival food , because he can 't be coming up & down the stairs in his condition ! ! Then while I get upstairs , He yells up to me what 's wrong with the microwave ! ! ! ? ? ? It 's dead . All of the sudden our microwave died and All the food I got is so he doesn 't have to cook , he moves too slow now , but now the microwave decided to just die tonight ! ! Every meal I go7 : 30 Surgery Scheduled today . Today 's my day . Its almost 4 : 00am . I have to shower . But I washed and blew dry my hair last night . So that part is out of the way . No make up , no problem ! ! I am to arrive at this Hospital at 5 : 30am . 2 hrs . early . Go to Lobby , ask for someone to come and get a wheelchair and get my Husband , my driver . He 's to bring his Walker . They said he can go up to the 3rd . floor with me , while they get me ready . And they will get him snacks , or anything he needs . Then when surgery is done , my Dr . notifies him by phone and they bring me back up to 3rd . floor room . Then most likely I 'll have to pee , before I get the ok to leave . And for some reason it doesn 't come easy after General Anesthesia . Then if all is well I go HOME ! ! ! ! ! ! Wish me luck ! ! ! ! Home and resting ! ! ! ! So glad that part is over . I 'm all bandaged up around the head . I brought I scarf to cover the mummy look . There was one young woman visiting the Hospital on my way out , that looked , then looked again and again and again , with a smirk . Sometimes I can 't believe people . Staring is so rude . If I see something like that I don 't go out of my way and stare . Well anyway , I was sure in pain when the nurses and my Dr . We 're trying to wake me , I could barley speak , my through hurt at the time , I was trying to focus and everything was blurry still . Trying to tell them I had a horrible headache ! ! ! ! It was awful ! ! ! They gave me something through my IV . Right now I 'm still headachy , like a pressure and my ears hurt . I 've been home sitting up in bed for 4 hrs . maybe ? ? I don 't know about anyone else with General Annestisia but I sure am miserable . I don 't like that , I mean Miserable ! ! Of course I have been even before . It was like I blew a gasket . I don 't like being that way . But I guess you 'll get like that if your sleep deprived and things were getting a little nutty around here . A lot of stress . I should of cancelled , because of my husband 's condition . But I am trying to fend for myself here in my room . I even set up pineapple juice in a big thermal jugs with ice before we left . All I want is cold things to eat , so soothing ! ! I have single servings of jello with fruit , fruit cocktail , whole wheat crackers with peanut butter or cheese . Dried prunes . Lots of bottles of water with bending straws . I don 't want to bother him . I just need him to page me when it 's time to take my antibiotic and pain killer . You really need to get ahead of the game before that pain starts , at least for a couple of days . Tomorrow I see my PS to get head wrap off , hope this horrible headache diminishes somewhat . 11 : 00 am . appt . Of all things my husband forgot his cell phone for the Hospital . He 's really very anal kind of guy , I guess he was a little out of sorts . He never forgets that thing ! ! ! Such an important time to have it , when the Dr calls ! ! ? ! ! ! Pain was not too much . I went to see PS today . I looked pretty good then , just bruising on neck . He said I 'm going to be beautiful and look 30 ! ! Lol ! ! If I do , I won 't feel 30 , I 'm 63 and have cellulite legs and get very stiff in the back . I used a cane to go up to see him , just to steady myself because I had a Percocet . But I was good . My husband drove me but , he 's not going to be any service to me when he 's using a walker . He stayed in the car . It would be like the blind leading the blind ! ! ! My Pas told me to stop the antibiotics . He always does that but I don 't usually see him the following day . I had breast lift last year . Don 't worry about pain , it 's there , more like ear pain because he cut there . Neck is tight . Right now I have swelling in my face more just in the past hour . I took Tylenol PM after I cleaned up around the kitchen a little . Not much to clean . I was well prepared . Probably why I was such a Bitch before surgery . Lol ! ! I really had to knock myself out here to get things prepared for myself and my husband . I 'm use to his help . I had my shower , he gave me the ok , had to wash that blood out of my hair . I wet the hair then put conditioner on it to ease out the dried blood , the washed with shampoo . I have a Hibiclens to wash around incision areas . and staples behind ears and upper side burns . It 's a Antiseptic / Antimicrobial skin cleanser , in a turquoise plastic bottle . I used showered with it before my surgery , they say use Dial . I like this better . Then I went up to bed and fell asleep for 2 , hrs . from the Tylenol PM I had took . Well I 'm closing I feel pain and it 's like a sinus pressure . I 'm back to taking Percocet . Every 4 hrs for at least 2 / 3 days I need the Percocet . Don 't wait , try to take it before it gets worse . So pretty much taking care of myself . He did make some brown rice . I bought deli roast beef and it 's hard to chew a sandwich . So I asked him just to boil me up some rice and shred the beef in it . Eww , I came down and he was eating it too ? So i said who in their right mind would eat that unless they had to ! The face and neck wrap can be uncomfortable I wore the wrap through the whole day yesterday and slept in it . It keeps the swelling down . It is off for a breather now . I 'll give myself 15 min . I put Neosporin antibiotic ointment on incisions . Under the chin , behind and in the ear . . yes he put my incisions in the ear , the old outside ones are gone ! ! I still have stapes though in between the hairline to the back of the ear kind of at a slant across . Those scars are hard to hide , when your hair is up . And more staples above at the temples . So I 'm pulled tight ! ! For bruising I put Arnica gel on my face . . mostly cheeks and neck is really bruised up . I also am still taking my Arnica Montana 30X orally 5 times a day . I ordered them through Amazon . They 're little tiny pellets you dissolve under your tongue . I took them 5 days before surgery , given to me by my PS . Just a small pack of them . He gave me the head wrap too yesterday . Sterile Gauze pads both for padding over Neosporin ointment . . protects the stitches and staple from rubbing under head - wrap , they can be cut into strips for behind ear friction . And under chin . That head wrap can be constrictive ! ! ! Foods and Drinks Coconut water , coconut juice , pineapple juice / healing properties . I have in a thermal jug in my bedroom . Stay hydrated . Peanut butter crackers and cheese crackers to take with your pain killers in evenings . You need a solid food with those kind of meds . Fruit , jello single cups soothes the throat Bending straws when ever I drink anything hot or cold . So you don 't have to raise your neck up . Soft foods , chewing is not fun for a while Feeling so much better today ! ! I 'm off the Percocet , I hope . Unless the pain starts to get intense again , I won 't hesitate to take it . I 'm taking Tylenol now . I started that at 1 : 30 am . Then woke up uncomfortable with head wrap at 7 : 30 and took it off and slept with it off for 3 hrs ! ! ! I just couldn 't stand it . It 's fine in the neck , it fits . . . but when I close the Velcro at the tip of my head it barely reaches . It 's a medium . . . so I probably could of used a Large and sewed the neck smaller . I have a wide forehead . Tiny chin as you can see . Lol ! ! ! I did order a new headwrap in a medium from another company , made out of a more " giving " fabric . I hope . This one makes my jaws ache . . . or like my bottom teeth ache . It 's awful . I 'm going to take a Tylenol now . Catch you later . Maybe photos . Try not to be frightened ! ! ! ! ! Had my second shower ! ! Some of bruising turning yellow , injection sites by mouth are dark purple . Put my topical arnica on then vitamin e oil face and body ! Dry and cold here in New York . Neosporin ointment on stitches and staples . Wondered why I was getting a few stabs in my ear . Come to find out there was dried blood in in . All cleaned up now ! ! Hate my head wrap PS gave me ! ! Yanked it off and made my own with Ace Bandages ! ! Until the new one comes in that I ordered ! ! Please let this one fit right ! I wear 24 / 7 ! ! I 'm trying to share my experience , hoping to help others when they do go through with this . I hope I 'm of some help as other Real Self - ers have helped me in the past . I really don 't know what I 'd do with out all this good information you all have donated . Thank you from the bottom of my heart . It 's a good community . Today 's photos 4 days post , I have the strap off . I hate that thing with a passion . It 's just too small in the head wear it tightens on top . The neck is fine . I have vitamin e oil on my face after I applied the Arnica gel . I felt a little dry . I think I will go back to washing my face with Hibclens , it doesn 't make me dry and it 's an antiseptic cleanser ! ! It gets harder to stay in when you start to have energy . But I can 't look down , or bend over . I bend at the knees and try to look forward . Keeping the wash up , kitchen and baths clean and tiding up , is all I do . In 10 days I 'll be back to work , I work from home on the computer most of the time and we have to travel with our businesses . Good night all , hope all are well ! ! ! Strange lip quivering while sleeping ! ! This is very odd and I 'm just recalling it now , but I need to know if any of you ever had this symptom after neck lift and it both face lift ? The noise I make wakes me up ! ! My head is up on my wedge along with pillows , I am sleeping , I 'm wearing the head / chin wrap like I 'm supposed to do . While in deep sleep last night my lips started quivering , or just vibrating pierced together , because that wrap is bringing the lips tight together . It 's not uncomfortable in fact it feels good , but it 's noisy ! ! I 'm trying to sleep for God 's sake ! ! My husband thinks it 's from trauma , even though I was asleep my body went through trauma . Makes sense . I think it 's the nerves in the face reacting upon this damned head sling ! ! ! So freaking weird ! ! ! No make - up update Feeling good , except for once in a while I get a quick dizzy spell . I do too much bending and looking down , I know we really aren 't suppose to bend over , I forget . It 's kind of hard I 'm kind of on my own with hubs out of commission . I hope I don 't ruin what I paid and suffered for : / I don 't think I mentioned these sensations . The first few days my neck and mouth felt tight . I did have lower bottom teeth ache and kind of jaw pain . But basically a lot of the pain was with wearing the head / chin wrap , it was way too tight if you look in the photos I posted back then . I did get a new one which fit nicely and didn 't squish my face all up . My Doctor is in full belief of the chin / neck wrap that I wore it 24 / 7 ! I have it off now . I see my Dr / Plastic Surgeon tomorrow to have those awful looking staples removed . I 'm anxious to see what he says about wearing that wrap still I will be 2 weeks . It fits well , but some thing constantly on your face and around your neck is never comfortable . The neck especially , even with this light new one by Caromed is constricting in the neck , I have to lay soft gauze pads under it , digs into my tender skin in the neck . I have read a lot of Plastic Surgeons don 't believe they help after 7 days . Mine is made of 45 % nylon & 55 % spandex . It 's very light weight , and isn 't like the one I had been given by my PS , with those thick bonded seams by my mouth . I will attach a photo of the new one . But for today I 'm not wearing it ! ! Photos of Face / neck wrap I re read my previous review , and I failed to mention , that I have all sensations in my ears , meaning the whole ear , behind the ear , even where the staples are behind the ear . All of my mouth I can feel and have been able to open it wide as of 5 days post . I can feel the chin . I can 't however feel under my chin or jawline or outer cheek area . But I get little rubber band like snaps once in a while : ) doesn 't hurt , just telling me the nerves are growing back ! ! ! The upper neck no sensation , that had a tad of liposuction ! The lower neck has sensation but feels tender , like a light sunburn if anything touches it . The above stapled area , which is in my hair at a slant in the temple area is numb , when touching it I feel like I have one of those metal snap barrettes in it ! So strange , but a good sign . But all is good , feel well rested . Hi everyone ! ! Trying to keep the updates going , but busy with work ! I 've had a few notice , but they kind enough to say , you look great ! ! Rested . I 'm in quite a large office and we each have our own space . My bruising is very slight mostly by the mouth . My husband took a photo of me and he said I can 't believe this photo it looks just like your High School photo . It does , the rounder fuller face we have with youth , but it 's the swelling ! It will soon be gone . My neck still feels tender when I touch it . At left side beside my chin there 's one area that 's not as defined because up the swelling . Over all I feel great , glad to be back to work ! ! Staying home on my computer working was kind of dull ! Some swelling still but not much . Still can 't feel my sides of cheeks . But everywhere else I have sensation . Scars are pink . In the back behind ears they are raised still . I will go back to using my silicone gel . I thought it was making them more red . Not the case , still only 4 weeks post surgery . So lots of healing to be done . Takes 3 months , a lot could happen ! ! Good or bad , we just never know . I was always positive but I 've seen a review or 2 where the results were poor . Maybe it depends more on how good your skin is & your health in general ! My health is very good and I eat healthy and exercise . So I 'm hoping ! What 's New ? So far I feel great . I still have some swelling of corse , I only 6 weeks 5 days . It really does take 3 mo . to see final results . I can see indents on the sides of my face from my glasses when I take them off . I have a few photos to post . Catch you later I 'm doing well , my cuts are still red by my ears and behind them . When I look down I see a little swelling , not sure if it 's my outcome because I 'm real close to 3 mo . post . But I have a small chin , so every tiny thing shows . I see my PS in 2 days . He knows about the left side under my chin there 's a little bulging . It 's where he tied the knot under my chin stitch . He said he 'd fix it . We 're waiting to see if it goes down . Last time I seen my PS I had a tad of filler in upper lip . The nurse said and my PS oh I 'll be swollen and look like a duck for a couple of days , I 'll have to stay home . Didn 't happen ! ! I barely notice it ! ! It costs $ 650 . 00 . I will find out how much he used . But defiantly needs more . The nurse gave me cortisone shots for the raised scars behind my ears . But on the left she broke the needle , so that 's still raised more than the other side where she was able to get all of it in . No charge for that . I have photos this time . I 've been very busy at my job and haven 't had much time for updates . I titled it my review : Its as Good as it Gets , like the movie with Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt , because that about sums up my photos ! I 'm 63 ! ! But I think I look good , happy with my results ! I probably could use a peel of some kind ! ! My skin gets these clear little bumps called seboric - keratosis . Not a lot , they come with age and from the sun . They 're harmless but I hate them , they 're rough to the touch ! I get them mostly on the chest . But i figured a way to get rid of them . And I wear sun screen all the time ! ! I 'm fair complexioned ! Photo of Caromed Face / Neck Lift wrap Dr . Sasson is the very best in his field . If you want the very best and feel safe at the same time . My results are excellent and I am very happy I chose Dr . H . Sasson . I look like myself , but much more refreshed . I have not told anyone other than my husband . I get a lot of compliments on how great my skin looks . Sometimes I 'll be talking to friends and they 'll say you are so beautiful . I have to just look at them , say thank you . But then I 'll laugh , because I 'm 63 ! ! How can one look beautiful ? It 's a very nice compliment . I just wanted that neck to tighten up . That was a little hard to take . I don 't go around thinking , oh I 'm the cats meow now . I feel like the same person . Sometimes I 'll get a glimpse in the mirror and say , wow , I look good ! ! I guess I did this because of my age , it 's the last I 'd do , I would not keep going for surgeries . I wanted to feel a little more confident . I think if I had to sum it up , it was about the neck , the few wrinkles on my face weren 't bothering me , I like them , when I smiled . Sometimes I 'll get some stares and it 's like , What ? ? . . . . I 'm not a slim girl , kind of solid actually , I work on my weight when I 'm not stressed . I have been very busy with work , I got myself down to part time now . Soon I will retire . My Dr . was awesome and I am very fortunate that I could do this . One thing I would have to say to women who consider this , is to go ahead , go for it . But I know in real life , I know that you can 't really tell people of plastic surgery . I told my husband and an acquaintance because she told me of her surgery . It 's a shame , because I don 't want to mislead a person that there is some miracle cream that can fix aging . There is none ! ! ! But I 'm wise enough to know women . . . . they judge you , they see you as a person that does not except the aging process , that are only into what they look like . And it 's not so , I feel all of my age and think when a woman or man does this , it 's about preserving . It 's about trying to stay active and healthy , even in our sixties and yes , forever will women wGreat Neck Plastic Surgeon

I can 't believe it 's been over 3 months since I last posted . But I have certainly been busy , and I needed a break from blogging . Between moving , the kids starting up with their school programs , and Husband returning from a four - month stint in Seattle , there was much to contend with . After I wrote my last post , I began packing for the move out of the old mobile home . It was a gruelling 4 days of work , aided only by my 80 year old mother ( who put me to shame with her hard work ) . I had somehow been under the impression that since I was planning on getting rid of a ton of stuff , the packing would be relatively easy . How wrong I was . For four days we started early and finished late into the evening . It was stressful , and we were both very sore . Our stuff went into a small container that had been brought to the property , and the kids and I moved to my mother 's home for what we thought would be a few short days . Then it turned out that we were missing paperwork for the demolition . The specialized container service that is licensed to remove and dispose of construction waste required some form that nobody else had heard of , and it took me a few days just to track down someone who knew what it was and how to get it . That delay meant we missed the window for the excavator who was set to demolish the mobile . We ended up having to wait a few more days before we found someone who could come . The demolition itself was fun , cathartic , and oh so satisfying ! That horrible little hovel , which was literally falling apart before our eyes over the last few weeks of its life , was finally smashed to pieces and hauled away . The excavator driver let me have the first smash ! Then my son was allowed to have a turn . That was fun . The rest took only another day or so , and before we knew it , it was all gone . The change in the look of the property was significant . The mobile was situated near the driveway entrance to the road , and blocked the view of the rest of the property ( not to mention the new house ) . With it gone , the place looks a lot larger . Now all we need to do is tear down the ugly pump house ( in front of the new house , next to the tree ) - but that 's a project for another time . After 3 weeks of living at my mother 's house , bless her heart but in the end we were all wanting it to end , we finally got the go - ahead to move into our new house . First , I went to Seattle to visit Husband and escort him back home , then the whole family spent our first night there . It was Saturday , October 15 , 2016 . We all slept on a mattress on the floor in the master bedroom , as our bed had not arrived , nor had a huge Ikea shipment that would bring the kids ' beds and mattresses , as well as other miscellaneous items . Over the next few days we slowly settled in , but the chaos was far from over . As just one example , Ikea sent the wrong boxes for our dining table - we got an extra set of legs but only one half of the tabletop . It took 3 weeks for them to ship us another . Meanwhile , the place was still an active construction site … After a relatively painless build process thus far , the last two months were insane . The industry in our area suddenly shifted into high gear and tradesmen were getting so booked up it was impossible to nail anybody down . All we heard was talk of guys having to turn away work for the first time in years , which was good for them but not so good for us . With things off schedule we 'd lose our place and then have to scramble get people back again . We were lucky that our builder is so well - liked by the local contractors - many of them came just as a favour to him . One couple we knew had their whole project stuck on hold for two months waiting for crew to become available . There were other delays , too . From the cabinet guy who had a mental health crises in the middle of installing our kitchen cabinets , to the siding and deck that took forever to finish , there were days when it felt like we would never enjoy peace and quiet . Everything had been on schedule to complete by the end of October , but it was the end of November before we finally got our occupancy permit . It didn 't help that October was a crazy busy month for me - I 'd made travel plans ( for work and for fun ) much earlier in the year assuming things would be done by now but it all happened at the same time . Even now , there are little things that need to be finished up - they call them " deficiencies " in the business , apparently - but we decided to take a break until after the Xmas holidays . We all needed it . In my next post I will talk more about what it has been like moving into my dream home after almost 10 years of planning , waiting , and imagining what it would all be like . It 's not so much that I 'm constantly in a state of bliss - I mean , nobody is like that . Instead , it 's a steady stream of little bursts of pleasure that I get when living and working in my home . From tidying up the kitchen , to doing laundry , to waking up in the morning to a gorgeous view , the sunshine streaming in through the south - facing windows over these winter days … it 's like a little dopamine machine has been implanted in my brain ! Posted on July 23 , 2012 by Hideaway Farm Back at the beginning of this year I wrote about my forays into house planning . It has taken me over 7 months and many , many edits but I have finally come up with a layout that I like , that gives me what I want , and that puts the house size at under 2500 square feet . In fact , this only just happened two days ago ! It was one of those Eureka moments where I was hit with inspiration , ran to get a pencil and some graph paper , and realized I 'd finally solved many of the issues I was struggling with . The timing was perfect , too . Today we interview two design / build firms . The first is the EcoNest company , run by Paula and Robert LaPorte . These guys are well - known in the natural building community , and we are fortunate that they are in the area this month giving a series of workshops . They are stopping by this evening with their local certified builder ( there are not many builders in North America trained in this procedure and we are so fortunate that one of them is located just 30 minutes away ! ) . I am really excited about meeting with them and hope they can reassure my husband that this isn 't some freaky hippie experiment in building that could cost us a fortune down the road ! In my previous house - planning post I wrote that I was looking at strawbale and cob for the infill material . Then I discovered " light clay " , which is also called straw - slip or chip - slip depending on the fibre ingredient . This is what the EcoNest folks specialize in . Both use a clay slip as a base ( a light , watery mixture of clay and water ) in which either straw or wood fibre is mixed so that the fibres are coated evenly with the slip . The beauty of this stuff is that you can pack it into forms and thus reduce time and labour costs considerably . Apparently , it also has a higher R - value for insulation than either strawbale or cob . It does not require a netting or base coat to " rough up the surface " so that plaster can be applied . What really appeals to me is that we could supply the wood chips from our own property . However , we need to compare the cost of purchasing enough straw for the project versus time to gather and chip the wood plus cost of renting an industrial - strength chipping machine . The other company we are interviewing is a local design / build outfit that has done several projects in the area that we like . They claim to be able to do " green building " but this may turn out to mean conventional stick - framing and house - wrapping with simply using less harmful and lower embodied - energy materials . Nevertheless , I 'm open to hearing what they have to say , and seeing how this option compares with the above . From these interviews I hope to settle on 1 ) what infill material will be used , 2 ) how big the house will be , and 3 ) how much it will cost . The latter two are obviously related quite closely , while the first point will determine the nature of that relationship . My understanding is that building green is no more costly than any other quality timber - frame home but hopefully we 'll find out soon . We know roughly what we want to spend , but whether that is realistic based on our desires remains to be confirmed . We may need to increase our budget . Alternatively , we may decide to do some inexpensive finishing to bring down the budget , with the aim to remodel later when we have more cash - in - hand . Given what we are living in now , anything without mould or rodents is an improvement ! Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Hideaway Farm Way back at the beginning of this blog I described The Dream . Yesterday one of my favourite bloggers , Jenna of Cold Antler Farm , ( who is well on her way to fulfilling her dreams of being a farmer ) asked us loyal readers about our own dreams . I figured it was time to revisit that post I made just over four years ago . The Dream : 3 to 5 acres , under 30 minutes drive to a particular smallish town we have in mind ( population ~ 35 , 000 ) . A small house ( < 2500 sq ft ) , preferably one - level , ranch style . A pasture for horses or perhaps other grazing animals . A barn with resident cats . A dog , or maybe two . A vegetable garden . Husband works at a job he enjoys , no more than 40 hours per week , and retires by age 55 . The smallish town we had in mind turned out to be a different town than the one we settled in , but we couldn 't be happier here in the Cowichan Valley ( population 80 , 000 spread out over a region of ~ 3500 square km . or ~ 1300 sq miles ) . We are very close to all the things we need to do ( 10 minutes to " town " ; population 5000 ) and yet out in a quiet rural area surrounded by forest and farmland . The house is hopefully on its way soon and it will be one level and less than 2500 sq ft . More recently added to the wish lists having it built with natural materials such as cob and / or straw bale with a timber frame skeleton . We have a fenced pasture / paddock area for the pigs we raise each summer ( about 1 / 2 an acre ) , and we 'll soon be adding a free - ranging area for this summer 's meat birds . We 're considering getting a couple of sheep to mow the lawn , provide fibre for my knitting hobby , and lambs to sell and eat . And if we can ever put a year round pond in here I 'd love to have some ducks . We 've ruled out goats because of their heavy fencing requirements and because I 'm not interested in eating them nor milking them - the animals around here have to earn their keep ( even if it 's just carting me around on their back , speaking of which … . ) . A future with horses is nearer than ever ; I am riding again , which was always a part of the Dream even if I didn 't state it outright at the beginning , and what 's even better is Husband is learning to ride and loves it . If things continue as they are going I wouldn 't be surprised if we end up buying horses for ourselves within the next couple of years . Of course , as much as I love the idea of having horses at home , they do require a large amount of pasture space and at this point we are undecided as to whether it would be better to just board them nearby . I suspect my romantic side will win out on this one - I really , really want a barn ! And we both have visions of saddling up and riding off our property onto any one of the network of forest trails that range for miles . We did get a dog about a year before we moved here , and we got a cat shortly after . If not for our tiny mobile home and a lack of fencing we 'd have more cats and probably another dog already . When there is a fully fenced property and a barn I think both those wishes will come true . I have the vegetable garden , but it 's a rather half - hearted affair because I 'm not entirely sure if the current location will work out after the house is built , so I 'm afraid to do much more than grow tomatoes and whatever other veggies I end up tossing in as an afterthought in late spring / early summer . I have big plans for hugelkultur beds , a greenhouse , perennial polyculture gardens , etc . but the house needs to be put up first and then I 'll know where to plant fruit trees and invest in a couple years ' worth of soil building . I don 't mind waiting ( the house is really a priority right now ) but I would like to grow much more of our own produce in the future and build up a permaculture system here , of which the gardens are an integral part . Husband got a job he enjoys ; he founded a startup company with two partners and things are moving pretty rapidly there . The fact that he is so excited about what he 's doing is truly wonderful . Unfortunately , not only does it require a lot more than 40 hours a week , but it requires him to be living away from us during the work week . The reward for this sacrifice is that it could possibly mean a much earlier retirement than we 'd originally hoped for ( and building the house earlier than planned , too ) , so we are making the best of things in the hopes that it will all pay off in the near future . It 's honestly not that bad - one of the many unexpected benefits is missing my husband enough to be really excited when he comes home from work ; not bad after 10 years of marriage ! So what are my dreams now ? When Jenna asked that question I decided that really , I was already living my dream and the rest would just be gravy . I 'm a full time stay home mum to my amazing kids , we are part of a wonderful homeschooling community , we have our own little piece of paradise nestled here at the end of our long country road surrounded by forest and visited by elk herds … sure the property needs work , it looks pretty unkempt most of the time , the mobile home is ugly and a bit too small for us all . But it 's ours and its affordable , and when I step outside in the morning and hear nothing but dozens of varieties of birdsong I feel that really , the Dream is already here . Posted on January 20 , 2012 by Hideaway Farm Winter months are a great time for indoor activities like crafting , reading , garden planning , and other endeavours that can take place from a comfortable chair . Besides doing a fair amount of knitting and crocheting myself this season , I also embarked on another hobby / task : planning our future house . When we bought this property , the plan from the start was to build a house within 5 years . Our small mobile home is serving us well at the moment , but it is old and is likely not going to last too much longer . Moisture problems top the list of issues , and we have a noticeable mouse population sharing our home ( despite having a cat ) . If things continue to go according to plan on the financial front ( we should know by summer ) we 're hoping by the end of this year to start the initial work ( engineering , soil testing , hiring the architect , etc ) . But even though we are still a ways from breaking ground , I 've already learned a lot . In today 's post I 'm going to share some of this process with you . When we were first looking at land , many resources I consulted said the same thing : if you are planning to build try to live on the property for at least a year , if not longer , before breaking ground on your new home . One of the great features of this property was the mobile home . Old enough ( and ugly enough ! ) that we would happily get rid of it when the time came , but sturdy enough to house us until such time as we were ready to build . Having spent almost two years here I can appreciate how valuable that advice is . I know our land pretty well now . I know where the rarer species grow , where water likes to accumulate , where it flows during the wet season , and where it dries out first . I know where the frost accumulates , where the wind blows from in winter . I know the path of the sun year - round , what obstacles cast significant shadows on growing areas , what animals visit our property at night , where the birds like to hang out , etc . This is all very helpful information when it comes to the next step . In our case , there wasn 't a huge choice of locations despite having 4 acres . Our property is long and narrow and there is a residential power line cutting diagonally across the top third of the property with a right - of - way underneath that precludes any permanent buildings . To build below that line would mean a very long walk from the curb on garbage day . Unless we wanted 2 acres of land between us and the street we 'd have to build in a gully between hills and that is a bad site for any house - frost collects there , as does water . We also didn 't want to build on the same spot as our current house so that we could remain living comfortably for however long it takes to build . Moving the house and its connections to another spot on the property would be expensive . In some ways , having limits can be good . There was really only one logical place to build and fortunately it is not where our mobile home is located . The site we 've chosen is in the northwest corner of the property , on the highest point and furthest away from roads and neighbours ( shown in the photo above ) . There are some lovely views from there , and its southern exposure will allow us to incorporate passive solar heating into the home design . The north side of the site is part of a large forested area , which will be great for insulating against cold winter winds that blow from the small mountains and hills to the north of us . Unfortunately , the entire west side of the property is lined with a tall forest of Douglas Fir trees so we lose the sun early in the day . However , having consulted my bible of solar home design - The Solar House by Dan Chiras - it is just sufficient to be suitable for the job ( more on solar design later ) . The site is the top portion of the area we had cleared two years ago when we first moved here , but we didn 't clear all the way to the north property line . There is a large Western Redcedar tree there surrounded by a few smaller ones and I did not want to have to remove them if possible . They provide a dense shield against wind ( and block the view from the hiking trail that goes past that northern border ) plus we don 't have too many cedars in our neighbourhood ( it was logged about a century ago and replanted with Douglas Firs ) . So that limited how far we could extend the house northwards . Westwards we are right up against the property line , so the minimum clearance sets that limit . Eastwards it 's pretty wide open , but the further east we go the more exposed we are to the street ( it ends about halfway along our northern border ) and the neighbours ' homes . Southwards we are limited by the powerline right - of - way . But there was one other limiting factor . This high point on the property was dug into when the original owners placed the mobile home , and then cut into some more when a small detached garage was added ( see photo above ) . Thus there is a chunk of land cut out of the southeast corner of the house site . Originally I assumed this meant we 'd have to build an L - shaped house and most of my plans were based on that design . Due to the limitations described above I wasn 't getting anywhere with floor plans ( I should point out here that we are adamantly opposed to having more than one storey of living space , for reasons too lengthy to get into just now ) . And then one day it hit me that if we built out over the cut - out section we could free ourselves up enormously in terms of size and layout . Essentially we 'd build out over the current garage , whose roof is practically level with the top of the hill , and it would become a walk - out half - basement . It would house what it currently houses : tools , three freezers full of meat , and Husband 's drum kit among other garage - type items . And virtually none of it would be buried , allowing sufficient light inside that it doesn 't feel like a dungeon . Why it took me months of pacing around at the top of that hill to figure this out I don 't know . But it 's just one reason why I 'm glad I have so much time to work on this planning thing ! Step # 3 : The Layout . The truth is that we are going to need an architect to design the floor plan and layout of the house . I have zero training in this area and I can 't seem to break outside the box . Literally . I 'm using graph paper to work on design plans and I seem to be stuck in this rectangular , stick - to - the - lines thinking that suggests we need a 3000 sq . foot house in order to fulfill our requirements . That is more than double the size I 'm interested in . So mostly , drawing floor plans has been an exercise in thinking about the spaces and coming up with a few good ideas here and there . There is no way I could do this in earnest . Thankfully , there are some great resources out there and my current bible of home design is from Sarah Susanka 's Not So Big House empire . Specifically , her book Creating the Not So Big House has been an excellent source of ideas , as well as providing me with the language to convey to our future architect what we 're looking for . Finding a book like this which encapsulates your own desires for house design can really help with the whole process . I 'm pretty sure that an architect will be able to come up with far more efficient uses of space , and far better workflow patterns , than I 've been able to come up with during my forays into cubist floor - planning . Another important consideration is that we wish to incorporate passive solar design principles into our home . This means orienting the long side of the house to the south , placing most of the windows there , and incorporating thermal mass into areas of the home to retain and release heat when the sun goes down . Without going into too much detail about passive solar design right now , it does place some limitations on layout . But now that I know we 're not limited to an L - shaped site it 's not really an issue anymore . It won 't come as a surprise to anyone who has been reading my blog for a while to learn that I want to build our home from natural materials , locally sourced wherever possible . The choices boil down to cordwood , rammed earth , cob , and straw bale . While rammed earth construction has been done here ( music legend David Crosby has a rammed earth home on nearby Salt Spring Island that was featured in an episode of David Suzuki 's The Nature of Things ) and it is beautiful , it 's not really my style . Cordwood is problematic in climates with high moisture like ours , and while I think it looks pretty I don 't want a whole house made out of it . I 'd had it in my head for some time that cob would be our best choice because I thought strawbale wasn 't suited to our damp climate . I 've since learned that this may not be the case . And I 'm concerned about the fact that cob is a relatively poor insulator . So right now I 'm leaning toward strawbale . We will , however , be using timber - framing for the skeleton of the house . The strawbales ( or whatever we choose ) will be infill rather than supporting walls . Timber frame simply looks incredibly beautiful , there are several very skilled companies locally that do timber - framing , and the lumber can be sourced right here on the Island ( and some of it probably from our own property ) . I started this as a Word document some time ago . Any thoughts or observations I have go here . It could be anything from noting that I spend a great deal of time during the day in the kitchen , to wish - lists requesting , for example , a covered outdoor area for hanging laundry when it is raining . I 've put a huge amount of thought into all the details and recording them in one place makes for a handy reference . My tip would be to spend a day thinking about where you go in your home at various times of day , what areas are used the most , and which are not used much at all . What items do you have lying around that need a home of their own - plastic shopping bins for groceries before they get taken back out to the car , recycling , mail that needs to be sorted , clothes going to goodwill , etc . Think about what you like about your current home , or what wish you had - for example , when you are taking a shower do you love that there is a window there ? Do you wish the shower were wider ? And of course there is my favorite topic : how easy is this to clean ? I 'm amazed at how many design features I see in magazines and websites that look beautiful but I know from experience would be magnets for dust and cobwebs , or be a pain to vaccuum around . I also wanted to share a great website I found called Houzz . com . Here are hundreds of thousands of images of room design , including exteriors , that you can browse through and add to your own personal Ideabook . My one complaint with the site is that most of these homes are quite ostentatious , much too over - the - top for my liking . I 'm looking for something simpler and more humbler than most of the homes shown here , but there are so many great ideas that I continue to build up Ideabooks for various rooms in my future home . The best part will be sharing these books with our future architect , who can then get a very good idea of our taste and style without having to conduct extensive interviews with people lacking the language to describe what they like ( that would be me : " Um , I like kind of a rustic look but not messy - looking , sort of traditional but not uppity , something between country and west coast luxury home … but small " … ? ? ? ) . So that 's where I am now . Building up my Ideabooks , having fun with graph paper , and making notes of things that will be important when it comes time to sit down with an architect . Of course there is much that needs to take place in - between , but there 's nothing I like more than immersing myself in some project that leads to the fulfillment of a Dream . Sometimes it doesn 't even matter if the dream ever comes true ; I enjoy the process that much . Posted on September 23 , 2011 by Hideaway Farm I have loved horses since I was a very young girl . I hung pictures of them in my room , I practiced drawing horses until I could get a decent reproduction on paper , I collected Breyer models , and I dreamed of one day owning a horse of my own . But I lived in the suburbs and , at the tender age of 7 , I felt it to be a simple fact that I would not be able to have one until I was an adult , which I equated with turning 19 . When I am 19 , I promised myself , I will have my own horse . And then sometimes I would start to panic - what if , by the time I 'm 19 , I don 't want a horse anymore ? What a cruel twist of fate that would be ! I laugh to remember that , back then , I was certain that I would not recognize myself as a grownup and certain that I may even be a completely different person by then . I wish I could go back in time , visit that little me , and reassure her that , at 43 years old , I am still horse crazy . When I was 9 years old my mother sent me to a dude ranch camp in the outer rural suburbs . To me it was a world away , an entire vacation trip just to get there . In reality it was only about an hour 's drive , but it was far outside my realm of daily experience . I went for a week , and learned how to ride a horse Western style by going on daily trail rides and being in charge of grooming the horse assigned to me . I was in heaven . I dreamed of " horse camp " all year long , and soon I had convinced my mother to send me for two weeks each year . Looking back I realize it was a lot of money for my mum , but those really were some of the happiest times of my childhood . There was nothing fancy about the riding , just bombing around the trails with friends , but I knew in my heart that riding was something I wanted to do for the rest of my life . Once I started University life got very busy , especially my social life . But a few years into it a friend called me up one day and said " Hey , I 've signed up for English riding lessons , wanna come ? " . I learned that there was so much more to riding than just going on trails . I learned to jump , and participated in a few little schooling shows , but then I discovered Dressage and I was hooked . It not only appealed to my love of horses but there is a rather large academic component to the sport and that appealed to me as well . I spent the next 8 years training and competing in small , amateur shows . My performance was always mediocre but I had no professional aspirations and I loved every minute of it . I eventually rented a basement suite in the neighbourhood where I rode . I never tired of hearing the clip - clop of horse hooves as people rode down my street on their way to the local riding club . And throughout graduate school I had part - time jobs in the local stables , was an active member and volunteer at the riding club and our local dressage club , and was just completely immersed in the world of horses and the joy of riding . When I graduated and moved to the US it only took me a few months to settle into my new life before I was out looking for an instructor . I was just getting settled into my new barn , meeting fellow horsey folk , when I met got married and got pregnant . My husband lived in another state so with my pending move and pregnancy I decided to take a wee break from riding . Kids , cross - continent moves , career decisions , and fluctuating incomes prevented me from seriously looking at riding again . Before I knew it that " break " had turned into ten years . When we moved to this rural area last year I knew one day horses would be in the picture , but it still seemed a long way off . And yet , I 'd pass by people riding all the time . There were horses living on our street . Riders pass by the front of our property to access the miles of trails that stretch to the west of our place . And I 'd stare with a big , silly grin on my face . Still , I thought , my time hasn 't come . Having kids can leave you in a bit of a fog for a while . It 's all about babies and toddlers and preschoolers who have needs that demand so much of your time and attention . Don 't get me wrong , I 've loved every stage of my kids ' lives , but it does go by very fast and one day you wake up and realize that you have kids now , not babies , and that you are finally in a place to step back , take a look around , and rediscover yourself . And when I did I realized just how much I 'd missed riding , and became determined that somehow I was going to get back into it . Shortly after this private resolution , Husband and I decided it was time for us to take up a hobby together . I was surprised ( and thrilled ) when he told me that he 'd always wanted to learn how to ride . He is attracted to backcountry horseback riding , and we live in the perfect spot for such activities , being right on the Trans Canada Trail as well as several other " off - road " trails that run for miles . We began looking into it , and this Monday he and I are going for our first lesson with a holistic trainer who works with Natural Horsemanship principles , is multi - disciplinary , and who I believe could possibly take us a long way on this new journey . Because horses really are a journey that can last a lifetime . Our goal is to become competent riders and horse handlers , to get involved with local trail riding clubs , and to eventually get horses for ourselves . Yes , we 've decided that there will simply have to be a place for horses here at the ol ' homestead . We 're also hoping the kids might eventually get interested enough to give it a try , though sadly neither of them appears to have inherited the horse - obsession gene from me . I will probably dabble in Dressage , while he may decide to do some cross country jumping . But I 'm also thrilled that my husband will be joining me in this journey , and I 'm looking forward to riding with him , learning to pack for backcountry riding trips , and sharing the wonderful world of horses with him . I can 't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this new stage in our lives . I feel like , for the first time in my life , I 'm in a place where owning a horse could actually be a reality for me . I keep thinking back to that little 7 year old girl I once was , lying in my bedroom at night , promising myself that one day I would have my own horse . It took a whole lot longer than I had originally anticipated , but I 'd be happy to let her know that she needn 't have worried about getting old - I still love horses as much as I ever did . Posted on November 27 , 2010 by Hideaway Farm As long as we 've had the dream of moving to a small acreage and creating a homestead , making a living off the farm has never been part of that dream . The truth is , trying to support a family on a farm 's products is labour - intensive , highly competitive , and not all that lucrative . If we weren 't blessed with careers that can be molded to fit our circumstances perhaps we 'd be entertaining thoughts of being farmers . But we 're middle - aged , not cut out for heavy work over long hours , and are able to earn a good living doing other things that take up far less time and allow us to get outside whenever possible , not to mention being with our homeschooled children . There 's lots to do in order to turn this place into a homestead , but it 's about providing good food for our family , a healthy environment around us , and a connection to the land . It 's not about earning a living . For the last several years I 've been running a small consulting business out of my home . It 's very part - time , the hours are flexible , I enjoy the work very much , and it pays well . About a year ago Husband found a job that fit him perfectly , too . He and his sole partner get along very well , he works almost entirely from home , and his hours are mostly flexible . His partner had already established the business some years before and there 's a steady influx of clients for the foreseeable future . And the pay is good , so he doesn 't need to work long hours to provide an income that keeps us quite comfortable . We 're both very proud of what we 've built for ourselves , and although we recognize that the socioeconomic situations we were born into certainly helped get us where we are today , we 've definitely chosen a road less travelled when it comes to the direction in which we took our careers . Husband could be earning a lot more money with a big firm , but he 'd also be in an environment he loathes ( big business ) , working long hours , and with little control over his future . We also would not be living here , in this smallish town . We 'd be on the outskirts of a major city centre , with a long commute every day and a whole lot less land for a whole lot more money . For me , were I to seek out full employment I 'd be earning ten times what I make now , but I too would be working long hours , would have missed out on the vast majority of my children 's lives , and also would not be living in this town . For us , maximizing our earning potential is not part of The Dream . We 've pared back and chosen a more simple lifestyle , and we haven 't regretted it for one minute . I 'm writing this post because there are two things going on for us right now related to work and income , both of which I 'm quite excited about . I 'm in the process of re - branding my company . The name I started with is rather generic , as I wasn 't really sure what it would all look like once I got going . As with many entrepreneurial journeys , I found out along the way that there were niches I could fill , ones I didn 't know existed , and the focus of my work shifted and moved until I found my groove . I 'm ready to move my business to the next level and work on promoting myself more . Virtually all my business comes via the Internet , so I 'm having my website revamped and reworked to up my search engine rankings and include a way to promote those services in which I specialize . I 've spent countless hours trying to come up with a new name , and I don 't go anywhere now without my scrap paper lists and a pen - you never know when inspiration will hit you ! I 've found a wonderful woman to work on my website - she 's an old friend from my university and club - hopping days whom I recently reconnected with . Now she 's a stay - home mum with a home - based business and her work demonstrates that she is very talented and creative . It 's not my intention for this to become a full - time job , but I do have room for an increased caseload and I 'm hoping this process will result in some more new clients . The other thing going on is that Husband has begun working on a long - standing dream of his to produce artisan spirits . He spent his teen and young adult years on his family 's winery learning the art and science of distillation , but never really thought anything would come of it professionally . Fast - forward a couple of decades and things have really changed . On a whim he recently looked into the idea again and found that the trend in local eating and artisan food products has cleared the way for artisan distillers . While putting together a business plan we discovered that we can house the facility on our property ( gotta love rural zoning ) and have planned to build a small barn - style structure for this purpose ( we picked the plans out of a book ; it 's gorgeous and rustic and exactly what you 'd expect on a homestead ) . What 's so great about it is there are no waste products other than water ( which , as the product of distillation , is as pure as it gets ) and mash ( which the pigs will love ) . We finalized the incorporation process a few weeks ago and are now making plans to clear some of the property ( which we 'd planned to do anyway ) and put up the barn ( using the lumber we recently had milled * ) this spring . We 'll be spending the first several months trying out different recipes and working to develop a unique formula and process using locally - sourced ingredients ( of course ! ) . Our goal is to produce small batches of a quality artisan product that reflects the unique flavours of our region ( which is a haven for locavores ) . Because of the flexibility of our work schedules ( and the fact that our kids are quite independent at home now ) we have the time to devote to this side - business . While neither one of us is giving up our " day jobs " , who knows where this might take us ? In the meantime , the cash layout is relatively small and we 're sure to have lots of fun along the way . What 's so funny is that I don 't even drink hard liquor ( I 'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol ) . But what I 've learned so far is that making spirits is the perfect blend of art and science . Husband excels at the art aspect of things and the scientist in me is rather excited about taking on some lab work again . Although the setting will be much different than the labs I used to work in , such tasks as performing batch experiments and keeping pristine notes of all processes and variables is right up my alley ( they don 't call me the Spreadsheet Queen for nothing ) . Mostly it just all sounds like a good deal of fun , something Hubby and I can bond over ( like having kids isn 't enough ) , not to mention the source of some fabulous homeschool experiments for the kids . I 'm very excited about what lies ahead for us , and immensely grateful and happy that we have managed to craft such a good life for ourselves . Posted on March 1 , 2010 by Hideaway Farm The move on Friday went very smoothly . Thank goodness for our detached garage / workshop - we 've stored most of our boxes there . I 'm slowly putting our home together but it still feels like a mammoth undertaking . I 've been working like mad because I find it difficult to live in a state of chaos and will feel much more settled when things are in order . We hadn 't been here since the day we viewed the property and decided to put in an offer , so there was a lot to discover . Some things were not so pleasant , but they pale in comparison to all the positive things . For example , we appear to have an ant issue in the kitchen but we dealt with this last year and know how to handle it . We also appear to have a resident mouse , which was heard nibbling around my pantry shelves last night . Seems we will be getting a cat sooner than I had thought ! We also found out that we do , in fact , have " sulfur water " . This is water that smells of eggs . It 's perfectly safe to drink but most people ( including myself ) find the smell too unpleasant . Bathing , showering , and brushing teeth are all accompanied by that egg smell , but I 'm sure we 'll get used to it after a while . If that 's the worst thing about this place ( and so far it appears to be ) then we are in good shape . On the plus side , it appears the well is deeper and more prolific than we originally thought . Yesterday there was a total of two adult showers , one kids bath , three loads of laundry , and a run on the dishwasher and we didn 't experience any shortage of water . And now for the pluses … we have a lovely line of moon lamps along our driveway that are connected to a photosensitive power supply . At dusk they light up and it looks so pretty . The crocuses are coming up in the gardens , and the birds are amazing . From the squawking of red - winged blackbirds to the haunting cries of the ravens , birds abound here . Sitting in the living room one looks out the windows to see dark - eyed juncos playing in the trees and on the grass . I can 't wait to start putting some bird - boxes around the place and seeing what other birds we can attract . There 's a wild cat who comes around here - the owner left a note and some cat food saying she has been feeding him . He 's a black tom with a wonky eye . He sits on the porch railing sometimes , but runs away as soon as he sees us or the dog . Mostly I 'm just loving the peace and quiet . I love puttering around the house knowing that there aren 't cars and people marching past me just a few feet away . Even though I 'm inside somehow I just * feel * the sense of space around me . I love it . And the outdoors … as you can see from the top photo boots are mandatory ' round here right now . Yesterday my daughter , the self - proclaimed " couch potato " went out at least 4 times to explore the area with the dog . I 've been able to hike around and explore the neighbourhood myself and am delighting in the numerous trails around here . Husband and I are as excited as kids at Christmas . All this talk of what we 'll need to get and what we plan to do is super fun . We did all the legal stuff this past Friday , which involved signing piles of documents and handing over a certified cheque . We are now officially done . All that 's left is to do is pick up the keys ! The only real casualty in all this , however , has been the dog . She is suffering from way too little exercise and the stress of having her home turned upside down . She is barking at everything that moves outside , following me around whining … it 's driving me crazy but at the same time I feel guilty for neglecting her . Lately my mantra has been " Hang in there girl , just X more days … " . And this relates to one of the biggest and most immediate changes in my lifestyle when we move to our property . I will be able to exercise my dog without needing child care ! I can take her outside and walk around our forested property while she chases squirrels , or just use my ball - throwing stick for a high energy game of fetch ( even though our current suburban house has one of the biggest yards on our street , there is not enough room to throw my dog a ball and have the game burn off any meaningful amount of energy on her part ) . When we get back to three good exercise sessions a day my dog will return to her mellow , quiet self . Posted on January 30 , 2010 by Hideaway Farm For the last couple of years I 've written about the environment , frugality , living simply and sustainably , eating locally sourced foods , gardening , etc . All this has been in anticipation of fulfilling our dream of buying a small acreage . Now that we 've " bought the farm " , my blog posts will focus on the giant learning curve that lies ahead of us . As you can see , I 've changed the look , the blog title , and other information to reflect this new part of my journey . I was born and raised in the suburbs , and have only really ever lived on a typical suburban residential street or in a high - density urban neighbourhood . Consequently , I have MUCH to learn ! Posted on January 27 , 2010 by Hideaway Farm After a brief and painless negotiation they accepted our offer . I 'm SO excited ! ! We 'll be moving at the end of February . I have SO much to do … I can 't believe after all this time we 've finally found a place . It is as close to perfect as we could have asked for and was definitely worth the wait and the emotional roller coaster ride . The Dream has arrived , and now the Adventure begins ! ! About This Blog We are a family of four living on Vancouver Island , which lies off the southwest coast of Canada . This blog follows my life as the ( mostly ) stay - home parent of two homeschooled children with autism , my adventures in sewing and crafting , and more recently the design and build of a new house on our rural property . Archives Archives

She never sat down in a car but stood , braced tense , facing the wind . Now and again , she would turn her face toward me with an apologetic expression , as though to say : " I have not forgotten that you are here but there are certain pleasures I cannot share with you . " Her nose never ceased its sensitive quivering . - - - - Mazo de la Roche Our house was always filled with dogs . . . They made our house a kennel , it is true , but the constant patter of their filthy paws and the dreadful results of their brainless activities have warmed me throughout the years . - - - - Helen Hayes You can say any fool thing to a dog , and the dog will turn his head and give you this look that says , " My God , you 're right ! I never would 've thought of that ! " - - - - Dave Barry Posted by The sun came out this afternoon for a little while , and the river below my house shone brightly in silver - blue , running low , cold and clear . The temperature climbed reluctantly out of water - pipe - freezing , single - digit misery into just - plain seasonably , reasonably , cold . Snow is predicted , but no one 's concerned . We 're ready : Snow tires on , extra weight added to pickup beds , wood all in , outdoor water bowl for dogs filled and plugged in , furnace filter changed , water to standpipes turned off , drafty windows sealed tight , bird feeders filled , and freezeable fluids in the trucks changed . Part of the beauty of living here in this nordic country is the guarantee of a white Christmas nearly every year . For the little kids and all the rest of us who fondly remember snow from our childhoods , it 's a big deal when it first starts to come down hard and stick . It 's a time of celebration for skiiers , snowmobilers , snowboarders , sledders and all others who love to play in the white , wet , cold , fluffy stuff . By March , everyones ' enthusiasm will have ebbed , but for now , it 's all fun . At my house , there 's more than snow on the horizon . There 's a hurricane headed this way , and her name is Anna . My only grandchild , who lives 400 miles away , gets to spend Christmas with her dad and me this year . An incredibly smart and beautiful six - year - old , she has about 16 - times more energy than the average adult , and about 26 - times more than me . By this time next week , I 'll be in full - blown Nana mode . I am preparing by making sure I 'm well rested , reasonably toned up and have a fridge full of things little kids like to eat . Being Anna 's Nana , in her view of the world , demands 100 percent devotion of my time , attention and effort to the continous and lasting happiness of my sole grand - offspring . It 's my view of how things should be , too . I try to keep a no - crying , no whining rule while she 's here , and that applies to both of us . To be honest , in the past , I have anticipated her visits with some degree of trepidation , remembering only the uproar and disruption she brings to my normally mundane but comfortable , quiet and sane existance . Big Bird , for instance , is not who I want to see on my TV first thing in the morning . Where 's Diane Sawyer ? I usually don 't have any Cheetos , Gummy Bears or Sugar Snaps in my house , either . What 's wrong with a bran muffin , a fresh orange and some yogurt ? But this year my attitude is quite different . She 's always been very funny and fun ; it 's me who usually gets tired and irritable . This time I will not Grinch - out , even after two whole weeks , I swear . I hope she still likes to sleep with me . Wouldn 't that be a nice change from the snoring and sometimes , simultaneously farting , dogs ? I 'll even be happy this time to watch the weird , pointy - headed Phineas and Ferb with her , so aware am I now of the Big Picture and the rapid passage of precious time . And we can talk about Grandpa now , too , if she wants . I 'm ready . When Hurricane Anna arrives , she 's going to blow the biggest and best breath of fresh air into this house we 've had in a long time . And not a moment too soon . Thank you , dear God , for Anna . I don 't mean to be a whiner , but I don 't like my life right now . I know I have good reasons to be unhappy . That 's never made much difference to me in the past , though . I 've been chronically discontented for years , for basically no reason at all . That 's how it seems to me now , at least , in retrospect . I hope my husband , wherever he is , can read this . Honey , you were right . I shouldn 't have complained so much . Huge irritations at the time , like a neighbor 's yapping dog or a friend 's obnoxious girlfriend , seem so darn trivial now . Why did I get so pissed off , so often ? Too much stress , perhaps . I was a small - town newspaper editor , for Pete 's sake . It 's a wonder I never went totally postal , especially after my 23rd annual Cub Scout pancake feed . There 's so many other ways I 'd rather spend a Saturday morning . Sleeping , for instance . Am I a " Type A " personality , maybe ? Is it my headstrong astrological sign , Taurus the bull ? Since I had two red - headed grandmothers , is it like , a genetic thing ? The Irish in me ? Who knows why we all do what we do , or act like we act . Every unpleasant personality trait I possess can probably be easily blamed on my mother . I mean , everything that 's wrong with everybody is always their mother 's fault , isn 't it ? Actually I lived with my husband far longer than I did with my mother . We 'd been married for 38 years , were just going along , and then one day , " poof ! " He was gone . It 's been six months now and I can still hardly get my mind around it . Oh , it 's sunk in , all right . He 's gone forever . I get that part . It 's my future without him that I 'm having trouble envisioning . I can 't see the road ahead anymore . I feel like an old draft horse that 's lost its reliable pulling partner of many years . I still feel double - yoked , but I 'm simply going in circles , pulling blindly , wondering where in the hell I 'm headed . I feel so lost and get so tired without my sturdy partner beside me . He was the leader , the biggest horse , the strongest one . It 's his steadying presence that I miss the most . It calmed me . If God 's got the reins , I 'll be okay , I try to remember . But my life is as unfamiliar to me now as if I had followed a bright blue light into a spaceship and been whisked off to another galaxy . Nothing is the same as it was last year at this time . Nothing . Like a lot of couples , we 'd planned for our retirement for years . We were almost there . But I tell you : Don 't do that so much . Don 't pin all your hopes on your future . Live in the moment and try to enjoy it . It is true that the present is all we really have . However , I can 't stand to hear someone say , " Live each day like it 's your last . " Are you kidding ? It 's my last day ? That makes me want to run right down to the bar , start pounding down Jack Daniels shots , puffing on Marlboros and looking for a biker to take me for a ride on a fast Harley . Hey , " to each his own , " applies to bucket lists , too . Better wording comes to mind . I think it 's from the Bible . " This is the day that the Lord has made , " it goes , " Rejoice and be glad in it . " Right . Currently it 's three degrees above zero and pitch - dark here already at 4 : 30 p . m . My feet are cold because my dogs have all deserted me for warmer places than under my desk . Let yourself be open and life will be easier . A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable . A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed . Half of my DNA profile : This is a followup photo to my most - recent post . It 's a classic four - generation picture of me on my great - grandma 's lap , surrounded by my grandma , left , and my mom . It was taken in Milledgeville , PA , in 1951 . I 'm lucky to have spent a lot of time with both these grandmas when I was a little kid . My great - grandma , however , was my preferred companion . When Mom would let me walk up to her house and spend all day there , those were the best days . I 'd push " Shave and a Hair Cut , Two Bits " on her front - porch buzzer , and she was always glad to see me when she came to the door . There was an endless supply of pink - peppermint candies in a bowl on the oak library table in her front parlor . That 's where I 'd head to right away . Standing on my tip - toes , I could barely reach the bowl . " Better have two , " she 'd say kindly when I looked up at her for permission . Compared with the far more restrictive rules enforced by Mom at home , this kind of indulgence was one of the many reasons I loved my great - grandma . Just about anything I wanted to do at her house was fine with her . She was a quiet woman , who listened to my chatter but had little to add . I wonder now if maybe she couldn 't hear me that well . In her late 80s and depending on a cane for mobility , she never seemed to complain , even while slowly making her way upstairs with me for our aftenoon nap . Today whenever I envision her face , she is always wearing the same little smile as in this photo . She died when I was about 12 . I 've been thinking a lot lately about my childhood . It 's probably because after having been with my late husband for 40 years , I 'm trying to figure out who I am without him . It seems a logical part of the process to try to remember who I was before I met him . My great - grandpa died in this house in 1938 after being severely burned while trying to start a fire in a stove using kerosene . My great - grandma lived out the rest of her days there for the next 25 years , until she passed peacefully at 93 . She attributed her longevity to clean living , hard work , and sassafras tea . This time of year during my childhood invariably included an annual trip to the nearby woods to gather sassafras roots . It took nearly all day , with Mom doing the tree - spotting , and Dad , the digging . It was always cold and dreary ; the ground was usually muddy . Once we got home with a full sack of roots , Mom would wash each one before beating it to a pulp with a hammer . Then she 'd simmer a pot of the mess for at least an hour , until the water had a reddish amber color . The resulting tea had a heady , distinctive aroma , sort of a cross between root - beer and Great Grandma 's liniment for her rheumatism . If I caught a whiff of brewing sassafras at this moment , it would take me right back to those days . I 've never smelled anything else quite like it . The finished product had a bite to it , even when tamed for us kids with sugar and milk . The liberal addition of milk to my cup of tea made the little woody flakes floating around impossible to ignore . They were hard to extract with a spoon , but I 'd spend an inordinate amount of time trying , which served as a lame but effective stalling technique . I can 't say as I remember the digs as a lot of fun or the tea as a tasty treat . It was more like a wintertime tonic , a family tradition we believed was good for us . Since then , however , sassafras has been shown to be carcinogenic . So much for Great Grandma 's health tips . In my quest for self identity , it 's sometimes helpful for me to remember my Milledgeville roots , so 's to speak , sassafras as they may be . Both of my grandmas lived for many years after losing their husbands . They carried on alone because that was their nature and their upbringing ; to do anything else was not an option for them . My mom had her own battle with widowhood , living alone for 22 years after my dad died . They were married for 46 years . Their simple wedding took place in my grandma 's home in 1942 , right before my dad took off to fight in World War II . I can imagine what was going through my grandmas ' minds that day . Thinking about all this has made me wonder if facing long years of living alone late in life runs in my family . Whatever the case , I 'm up to the challenge . I believe I 'm capable of doing many things without my husband . It 's just not wanting to that makes it difficult . If I get too down , I 'll try to muster up the Milledgeville in me . It 's a brave spirit of toughness , endurance and duty . It 's worked for three generations of women before me , so with such a solid foundation , I should be all right . I took this photo when visiting my childhood home in Milledgeville , PA , a few years ago . This is the country road to what was my grandma 's farm when I was a kid . It 's no longer in the family now . Some people by my age have already made out their wills , planned their funerals , bought scenic cemetery plots and plenty of life insurance . My husband and I never did . Neither one of us could bear to think that far ahead . We didn 't realize our end was so close at hand . For several weeks after his death , I didn 't want to live . I just couldn 't see how I could . When I tried to visualize a future without him , it was blank . Jack Daniels and Marlboros were my main sources of comfort . Their effects on my nerves were welcome ; their familiar smell and taste reminded me of my husband . I was also attracted to their dire consequences of fatal disease . When I heard on TV that smoking one cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life , I ran right out and bought a carton . I was consoled by well - intentioned folks who said that when God closes one door , He opens another . I thought , " Sure he does . But when ? " I 'm beginning to see it happen , finally , in my life since I started this blog . It was hard at first . I 'd have to sober up enough to write . Then I 'd cry as I read what I 'd written , wondering if anyone else would ever read it . But I felt I had to do it . I was being pushed by an invisible hand . Now I 'm receiving support from people all over the country . Let me take this opportunity to tell each of you this right now : Your words are a kindness I can feel . They 're flowing like a healing elixer through my veins . I don 't need any whiskey anymore . The nicotine will be gone soon , too . There 's a song in my heart tonight from my early days in rural western Pennsylvania . It seems appropriate to end this post with the lyrics , which ring as true today as when they were written 100 years or more ago . I 'd add the familiar tune on this page , too , but such tricky widgetry eludes me yet . You can go to my Profile page and click on " audio " to hear the tune , if you 'd like . It 's an old - time gospel song , a bluegrass classic , I guess you 'd say . It 's long been one of my favorites . Maybe you 've heard it . It 's called " Life 's Railway to Heaven , " by Charles D . Tillman : When you lose someone close , especially a younger person , it 's impossible to not wonder why . It 's been five months since my husband died from a motorcycle crash on the same day my mom passed away at age 86 . Maybe questioning this quirk of fate is why I looked up my astrological chart on this intriguing web site , Infinite Quest : http : / / www . infinitequest . com / Nine pages of star jargon began to spew from my printer , but I got distracted and ignored them until bedtime . When I finally began reading my specific predictions , I almost sat straight up in bed with amazement . Even my loudly snoozing sleep mates , three German Shepherds who keep tabs on me even while busy chasing squirrels in their dreams , were momentarily disturbed . " Well now , don 't that just about sum it all up nice and neat in a nutshell , " I mused out loud to the dogs , who received the " all - clear " tone with heavy sighs . Stretching dramatically as their big heads flopped back down , each one 's moan of irritation , relief or lingering concern reflected its level of obsession with my security . My laid - back female , as usual , resumed snoring first . This dreary Sabbath morning I decided to attack the avalanche my double dose of grief dumped in my in - box this spring . So many expressions of sympathy simply overwhelmed me . I 've had no strength to read and appreciate most of them until just recently . At the in - box bottom linger some cherished emails from my mom and husband 's last days on Earth . I 've let these lay , dormant and unread , unwilling to dare deleting them without first reading their possible " messages from beyond the grave . " Opening the precious few from my husband is as insurmountable as climbing Mt . Everest to me yet . " Oh , sure , Mom , " thought this skeptic . " Looks computer enhanced . " Curious , I followed the accompanying link . It 's pretty convincing . I 'd be shattered to learn National Geographic posted a doctored photo on its web site . I believe in their integrity . " Known in the weather world as a circumhorizontal arc , this rare sight was caught on film June 3 ( 2006 ) as it hung over northern Idaho near the Washington State border , " I read . It lasted about an hour , according to Nat Geo . That 's a long time for a cloud formation . There was more to my mom 's email . " Life is a miracle , don 't let it slip away , " I read , eyes welling with tears . " Open your heart to others , give of yourself each day . " Here 's a photo I took of her about 20 years ago as she was happily getting plates out of her cupboard because we were there for dinner . This method of communication we call the Internet is a marvel some folks before our time would certainly have deemed miraculous . Maybe it is . Was my mom 's message left unread because it means so much more to me now than when she sent it 10 months ago ? On a June day in 2006 , could the cirrus clouds overhead have been at a perfect elevation with just the right amount of ice crystals , so that when the sun hit the heavens , the Lord could say , " Look up here ! It 's going to be okay ! This is what my love looks like ! " Dear readers ( all three of you , now listen up ) , you may recall a recent post in which I pondered the reason behind this creative effort . All past mental meanderings , grief issues and dog stories aside , there is more at stake here than initially meets the eye . I want people to read this and there 's good reason why . I 'm approaching retirement age but can 't collect all the huge Social Security funds earmarked for my golden years just yet . I 'm not broke , but with a steady income of zero since my husband 's been gone , it doesn 't take a financial wizard to figure out that at this rate , I 'm going to run out of money . As a senior citizen looking to re - enter the job market for a few years , I have a vision of my dreaded future , wearing a blue vest adorned with lots of little pins , greeting Wal - Mart shoppers with forced cheer . My preference is to try to find my niche in the once - elite but now nearly extinct journalistic specialty field known as a syndicated columnist . So this little blog o ' mine is an attempt to revive a weekly column , " Between the Lines , " that I wrote during my heyday as a newspaper editor . I had many more devoted readers back then ; I can name at least five off the top of my head , including two who weren 't related and three who are still living . So this just might work . I could sit on my butt at home and make money by regaling readers with my take on just about everything . Well , theoretically . So , with that in mind , it 's time to get to my topic for today , a recent revelation I 'd like to share with you about grief . All kidding aside now , everyone , and you two in the back row , stop messing around . As I wade these days through the big sinkhole in the Grand Canyon of my life , I 've made an observation : It 's very hard to deal with the loss of a loved one at any time , under any circumstances . Nobody can argue that . I 'm convinced , however , that losing someone you love unexpectedly is a special kind of grief in a category of its own . It 's complicated due to what I call the Regret Factor . I 'm referring to , in my case for example , negative things I said to my late husband I shouldn 't have said , or positive things I wish I had said . I have a huge collection of regrettable conversations , for which I 'm now powerless to make apologies or amends . In my head I can watch reels and reels of my own home movies , rewinding and replaying the worst dramatic scenes over and over again . When the Regret Factor kicks in , you begin to see in retrospect that incidents you once thought so crucial were clearly only trivial : Why did I get so mad at him just because he left a wet towel on the bed ? Formerly annoying habits begin to seem endearing : What wouldn 't I give to see his dirty socks on the bedroom floor again , carelessly tossed just inches shy of the clothes hamper , like always . The Regret Factor can also make what was originally just a simple oversight now loom large in the past like an enormous dark cloud of neglect . How could I have let him leave that morning without telling him I loved him ? Come to think of it , I didn 't even tell him goodbye . Before you shrug your shoulders and say , " Hindsight 's 20 - 20 ; not much you can do about it now , " at least try doing this for me : Make sure today that someone you love knows how you feel about them . Tonight , should you be fortunate enough to find comfort in the arms of someone kind , count your blessings , my friends . Count your blessings . Or here 's an easy one : Is there a grudge you 've been holding onto for too long ? Drop it . It 's only a burden you don 't need . If any of you will do any of this because of anything I write , then surely a rope of hope may appear for me to climb my way out of this sinkhole . Working together , maybe we could continue to spread love in ever - widening circles , like rings in a pond where a pebble has been dropped . I believe that if we try hard enough , maybe we could even make an angel smile , and on the day I can feel that smile in my heart , that 's when my healing will have truly begun . " My mind is going , I can feel it . " Remember Hal , the sinister computer that ran the entire space ship in " 2001 , Space Odyssey " ? I love that line from that movie , uttered by a fading Hal as his hard drive is shutting down . Accompanied by the soothing " tinkle , tink , tinkle , tink " of the delicately ringing chimes , this Kodachrome - perfect colorful kalidiscope shifted my brain from a sleepy first gear right back into neutral , where it idled pleasantly until the spell was broken by a dog 's flapping tail . Frankly , I think this impressed me so much because it 's been a long time since anything seemed so cool to me while I was in a state of total sobriety . Seriously . Anyway , when I snapped out of it , came back down to Earth , took a sip of coffee and tried to get my brain back in gear , the zen moment dissolved . My ever - joking inner voice chose to make this comment in my head : " My mind is going , I can feel it . " It was the voice of " 2001 , Space Oddesy 's " Hal , and I suddenly knew exactly how he felt when his processor crashed . I was mind blown ; gears in my head were spinning . Have I told you that my mom died on the same day as my husband 's fatal motorcycle crash this spring ? No , I am not kidding . That is what you call " mind boggling . " Henceforth , the hill of my hold on sanity has been a little bit of a slipperly slope sometimes in recent months . So , in the wake of such big grief , you may wonder : How am I doing ? Compared to what , or to whom ? What 's the norm for someone going through something so abnormal ? Who isn 't borderline something at least once in a while ? It is possible to step back from a borderline ; you are not automatically compelled to cross over it into a totally dire , undesirable disorder . If that happens however , it is also perfectly possible after going over a border into an undesirable state of mind , to then do a reverse and cross back over into your previous and presumably better state of mind . Don 't you agree ? Are we still on the same page here ? Hang in there with me here a little bit longer . Okay , so what , you may ask , is the point of this entirely ludicrous and too - lengthy electronic epistle ? Well , it 's to see if I can still write . In my day , I used to be a pretty good writer , or at least borderline good . Now , as I coast along in my senior - citizen state of mind , I wonder if I have become even more creatively entertaining , or am I now just plain nuts ? The pressing question , then , is this : If I do begin to write a regular column again , would anyone want to read it ? And that , questionable sanity and all other issues aside , is it in a nutshell , so 's to speak . Nutshell , get it ? Oh stop it . Bottom line : Writers need readers , or why bother ? I have readers , tons of them , I 'll bet . Well , okay , I actually only know of one or two people who for sure would like to read what I write . Yes , I do . I have at least two bonafide , regular readers , in fact they 're more like fans . Yes , my fans , that 's what they are . They 're big fans of my work , loyal readers , and immediate family and mental - health counselors do too , count . About a month ago my son and I took my five - year - old granddaughter to a nearby amusement park . In a moment of sheer lunacy , the two of us adults decided to ride not one , but two of the most terrifying roller coasters in the whole place , back - to - back . It now seems like a fit of masochism . If you 're already unhappy , does it make sense to make yourself more miserable ? He immediately threw up after the second ride . I didn 't fully realize the rides ' physical effect on me until the next day when I woke up and could barely move . I 'm way too old and my spine is far too beat up already to be jostled around and strained so hard . I thought I was going to have to get a cane just to walk around , or crawl on my hands and knees . Why did I go on those rides ? What was I thinking ? It has now been two months since my husband passed away . The problem of " thinking straight " is a daily one I face . " Don 't get too depressed , " friends advise . Right . " Think positive . " You betcha . My problem when it comes to " thinking positive " these days is exacerbated by the fact that this is the 40th anniversary of the time when my husband and I were dating and falling in love . ( Cue music : " The Way We Were . " ) This summer also marks my 40th high school reunion , the 40th anniversary of Armstrong walking on the moon , the Manson murders and yes , even Woodstock . Of course I remember all of these events well , and I remember experiencing them , from a distance , in Idaho , with my late husband , all the while in a pastel haze of happy young love . ( Cue music : " So Happy Together , " by the Turtles . ) I would rather not dwell so much of that time right now , but it pops up in the media all the time . Dandy . It seems like my life now it is down to only the simple things that can cheer meup . Last night , for instance , was the first time in a week that I finally gota good night 's sleep . Lack of sleep , needless to say , does not contribute to a sense of well being and thus , " thinking straight . " I mentioned in my last post the comfort I find in sleeping with my dogs since my husband pPosted by I know a lot about dogs ; I know nothing about being a widow . Dogs cannot , of course , entirely fill a huge space emptied by the sudden loss of a partner of 40 years . They can , however , definitely help , especially at night when they cozy up in bed , back - to - back with you , to warm the heartbreakingly vacant other side of your bed , which has never been quite so cold and unfathomably lonely as now , in your certain knowledge that its owner will never return . One of my older dogs even snores quite loudly , a former annoyance I now find quite comforting ; almost as soothing as three shots of Jack Daniels and a nice back rub : I am not alone . Yes , dear God , bless all my good dogs , and thank you , Lord , for their sweet and unquestioning love . As a widow , orphan and mother of a disabled child , at age 61 my life is now one of struggling against grief and loss . I look for beauty in life through the lens of a Nikon , for inspiration in the pages of the New Testament , and for love in the smiles on my dog 's faces . View my complete profile " Do not let your hearts be troubled . Trust in God , trust also in me . In my Father 's house are many rooms ; if it were not so , I would have told you . I am going there to prepare a place for you . . . I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am . You know the way to the place where I am going . . . I am the way and the truth and the life . " When I was a kid , I found a baby robin on the ground . I got the standard rescue equipment : a shoebox , some Kleenex , and a worm to be named later . Then I we . . . Another topsy - turvy week for us . Thunderstorms brought heavy rain almost every afternoon . As I 've mentioned before , Lucy doesn 't mind thunder and loves . . . He 's moving quickly and the impacts of his frenetic signing of executive orders are being felt just as swiftly . It 's a mess . Rights are in the cross hairs . . . Howdy all . Man , why is this time of year so busy ? ? It 's like there is ALWAYS something going on . Which isn 't a bad thing , but it is when it comes to the bl . . .

You discern my thoughts from afar . . . There is not a word on my tongue but that you , O Lord , know it well . . . " Psalm 139 : 2 , 4 Well , everything changes all the time , and that includes me . I don 't work any more . Except for some things I like doing . That 'll change too - - my savings are exhausted . I 'm really happy . I have some ideas about what I 'm doing next , but it 's not time to share them yet . I don 't know whether to continue with this blog . I started it a year ago because I needed to work some things out about what I was doing and living with . I 've stopped living with the things that were wrong for me . I think this is a long leave of absence - - but I 'm not sure . I 'm sorry - - I don 't know what to say . I stole these from Jan , who borrowed them from John O ' Donohue ( 1953 - 2008 ) . I just wrote the other day that I do a type of examen at the end of the day . I 'm going to try answering these questions , in the examen and pondering them in meditation for a while . Thanks , Jan . And , by the way , she has a lovely picture on her post . What dreams did I create last night ? What dreams did I create last night ? Where did my eyes linger today ? Where was I blind ? Where was I hurt without anyone noticing ? What did I learn today ? What did I read ? What new thoughts visited me ? What differences did I notice in those closest to me ? Whom did I neglect ? Where did I neglect myself ? What did I begin today that might endure ? How were my conversations ? What did I do today for the poor and excluded ? Did I remember the dead today ? Where could I have exposed myself to the risk of something different ? Where did I allow myself to receive love ? With whom today did I feel most myself ? What reached me today ? How deep did it imprint ? Who saw me today ? What visitations had I from the past and from the future ? What did I avoid today ? From the evidence - why was I given this day ? Posted by Three posts in a day ! Holy Mackerel ! That virus I 've had must be going . Sarah McLaughlin is one of my favourite singers . Period . And , I like the songs - her poetry , the music , the way she plays her voice makes me SO jealous . She 's a Canadian Cultural Icon if I ever saw one . The hard part was picking which song to put on the blog . I 've asked Pagan Sphinx to teach me how to post music files , without all the videos , and then I 'll put more of McLaughlin 's music up . Here 's two , cuz she 's special . The first one , " Possession " . She had a video released for this in Canada that wasn 't released elsewhere . YouTube told me I couldn 't see one video of the song in this country , and the other had no embedding . This is the one I saw on TV when it was released though . See how many characters you recognize . And the second , I wanted " Ice Cream " , cuz it 's just lots of fun . It 'll have to wait . You get " In the Arms of an Angel " instead . This is from her website : Sarah McLachlan has made a career out of putting herself on the line emotionally ; fans are repeatedly drawn in to her candor and forthrightness in her lyrics and music , and in her efforts in putting together Lilith Fair , an all - female artist festival which successfully toured North America for three years in a row . I 've been tagged ! ! First time ! ! By Crimson Rambler , so here we go . Here are the rules : 1 . List these rules on your blog . 2 . Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog . ( a ) I am very , very nearsighted - in the old days , when we looked at white cardboard eye - charts on a wall , I could only fine them if the wall was painted a colour . And I buy coloured soap , in case I drop it in the white bathtub . ( b ) I never learned how to drive . Too chicken . I 'm going to this fall though . ( c ) And when I do I want a motorcycle . Harley Sportster , 650 cc . That 's for starters . ( d ) I have read To Kill a Mockingbird about a million times , and am madly in love with Atticus Finch . Gregory Peck , as he was in 1961 , will do just fine . ( e ) I keep kosher in my apartment , and I can make a low - carb , kosher Chicken Paprikas you wouldn 't believe . And Pecan Pie with maple syrup for dessert , for those who don 't do the low - carb thing . ( f ) I dream of a place to live where there 's lots of windows on the south side , bare pine floors , a dog , rocking chairs , and no carpets but lots of cushions , and a big , wooden dining room table with lots of chairs so people can come for supper all the time . ( g ) And I 'm too shy for Rule Number 3 - play along if you like . 3 . Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs . There used to be a professional dance series every winter at the local university . One of the women I went to church with , faculty wife , would buy tickets and six or eight of us would go , and go somewhere expensive for pretty desserts after . One time we had seats in about the second row of this really small theatre . We think about ballet as airborne , ethereal , delicate . . . We saw sweat , and the muscles that tightened and clenched , nipples erect , heard the " thump " after she leapt and landed , and always the footfalls or the slide of her foot across the stage was audible . It wasn 't ballet she was doing ; but it 's one of those , " You can never go back from knowing it 's like this , " moments . She was very tall , too tall to be a ballerina in a company , blonde , slender , elegant . After the intermission , she was wearing a yellow leotard . Dandelion yellow . It was just her . She did this dance . She had no props , okay , just her and the music , but she made me see what she was doing so clearly . She had a bag of rocks . She carried it or dragged it everywhere , and it bent her double trying to shift it . She hated the bag of rocks . And yet . . . She 'd put it down in a corner of the stage and move away from it , and all the time she was away she 'd watch it , then go back and get it . She unpacked it and took out some or all of these rocks . . . and then she put them back . They hampered everything she did : got in her way , slowed and bent her , hurt her sometimes . And she couldn 't give them up . There has to have been a transition I can 't remember ; I remember the ending . She squatted on the stage and her body strained hard and she reached between her legs with both hands and gave birth to this bag of rocks . The part I can 't remember is how we knew it was inside her ; it had been outside , but giving birth is unmistakable . I was in labour with Tom from two a . m . until they found out he was oxygen - deficient and did a section cuz the labour wouldn 't progress , the cervix needs to open 10cm and mine never got past 6 , even with the pitocyn drip they used froKate Morningstar I 'm posting the Canadian Cultural Icon now . But you gotta promise that first , you 'll go over to FranIAm and see the electric Jesus pickle . I laughed so hard I got hiccoughs . I had coffee with Tracy this afternoon . Her Mom had got an infection and spent five days back in hospital , but is home now , and going out for short walks . She brought me two CD 's for my birthday - Joni Mitchell 's Hejira , " for my wanderlust " and Cat Stevens ' Teaser and the Firecat , " for the hippie - girl " . Wanna - be . But I 'm allowing myself to indulge that these days . Leaving her , I said , " I have to go decide who 's going to be the Canadian Cultural Icon , " and she said , " Joni Mitchell " . Of course ! One of my favourite songs is on Hejira - " Song for Sharon " . So here it is , with love and gratitude for Tracy , and I know a few others out there who 'll love this too . Posted by We regret to inform you that due to circumstances beyond our control , the Friday night Canadian Cultural Icon will be postponed until Saturday . Wednesday night I slept very badly , for no reason I can think of . Thursday night I went to bed early and woke at 10 : 30 p . m . with a migraine . I 'm fine now , just tired , and I 'm posting this when I oughtta be sleeping again . Go over to Pagan Sphinx 's place and look at the Friday Evening Nudes instead - - it 's easy to guess the theme tonight . I was going to say , " Today is my birthday , " but it 's been SO full - by the time I hit " Post " , yesterday will have been my birthday . I 'll tell you - it 's just been one opportunity after another to see the fullness of my life . A friend in Texas sent a happy birthday e - mail as soon as it was after midnight and my birthday where he is . Oystercard is now in King 's Lynn and sent me a happy birthday song by e - mail . And my friend Robby sent me a happy birthday message too - he 's in San Bernardino . He 's 12 days younger than me . We 've known each other since June 1962 . He was my very first boyfriend , when we were 8 years old . We 're 53 this month . Birthday greetings from three different time zones ! My alarm went off ! ! ! All right , that may not sound great , but it didn 't Sunday or Monday , and I missed church , and the barbecue lunch after . Today , I got to work on time , showered , with makeup on and dressed nicely . I forgot to make or pack breakfast , but I had eggs packed for lunch , so I bought an apple on the way and had that with the eggs and coffee . There was a birthday card on my desk when I got there . Someone from church called and took me and another friend out for lunch , which meant eating the eggs for breakfast was okay . I got started on a project that 's a little boring , but needs to be done , at work . Made good progress , and was alone most of the day . The J . Geills band , Rolling Stones , Cream and The Eagles , all played loud , helped . Talked to Dad on the phone . Got an e - mail from a friend who trusted enough to tell me and someone else what hurts a lot . My boss came in in the afternoon - she 'd made me a really beautiful birthday card . Three friends went shopping this afternoon , and bought a picnic . We had maple - smoked ham and prosciutto and roast turkey and salami and five - year old cheddar , bocconcini , salad … I 'd made gingerbread for a meeting Sunday evening , with lemon icing , and took some - I don 't eat it , cuz of the diabetes , but everyone else did . Fed the end of a baguette Kate Morningstar Tracy 's Mom has been home from the hospital for a week now . The tumour had shrunk well with the chemo she had before surgery - there was no need for a bowel resection . They believe they got all of it , and they didn 't find any in her stomach or liver . She 's pretty uncomfortable , but she had the chemo and then the surgery … who would be ? Tracy and I are planning an emotional / spiritual recovery day at the beach later this week . Many thanks for the prayer support . MadPriest , Pagan Sphinx , PJ , Dennis have all been posting or talking about loud music this week . Dennis SAID he was going to post at his place , but he hasn 't yet - - you 'll have to read the comments thread at PJ 's - - and she answered all his questions in a newer post too . I 've been listening to a lot of loud music ( except NOT what 's at OCICBW ) - this week cuz I 'm happy . Then I sing it all the time and drive everyone else nuts . Here 's ONE of my favourites this week - there might be more later on . Posted by This is Jake . He 's a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever . I bet most of you have never even heard of one before ! ! This is the fourth one I 've known personally - Dad likes them . First there were Robbie and Charlie , then Sandy , now there 's Jake . They all had much longer , Scottish names . I spent Wednesday afternoon with Dad and Jake for a while . Jake 's four , and a retriever , and he 's not getting enough exercise cuz Dad 's knee doesn 't allow walking the dog , and his general level of weakness after the crisis at Easter doesn 't let him stand around and throw a ball much . My sister goes up a couple of times a week and does as much as she can . Wednesday , I threw the ball for half - an - hour . I haven 't played baseball since six years ago . So , I haven 't thrown for that long . My shoulder twinged a little after , and I thought it would hurt like heck the next day , but it didn 't . And I 'll tell you something . I 've been thinking about mindfulness . Throwing a ball for a dog is nuthin ' BUT mindful . You focus on how wet and slippery the ball is ( it 's not disgusting if you love the dog ) ; and the motion of the throw ; and how he finds it when you throw it over that way instead ; and how happy he looks bringing it back ; and how it 's time for him to stop and drink some water now cuz it 's hot . I TOTALLY recommend it as a practice for staying in the moment and for doing something for someone else . I posted a couple of days ago about quantum theology , and got some help . Thank you , Jan ! Later this week , I 'll start reading the book . There were a couple of conversations that prompted me to ask now . It 's funny how these things start . In one , we were on the phone ; he was outside ; and I could hear the tiny tree frogs , singing like crazy . When I said so , he said that he 'd wondered how they could be so little and so loud , and listened and found that when all the little trees frogs are together , their croaking synchronizes , and you hear one big croak . And I thought , " The Tree Frogs ' Heartbeat . " That there is a place , way down deep inside , where all the tree frogs are part of a larger , collective Tree Frog life or purpose - and it 's that larger Heartbeat that they synchronize to . Then he said that someone had discovered centuries ago that two pendulum clocks on the same shelf will synchronize their ticking within half - an - hour . That would be vibration through the board , that 's what my ancient physics lessons tell me . But it 's working its way into my thoughts on Heartbeat - clocks have Heartbeat . I said I know from experience that when women live together , their monthly cycles synchronize , and if they live where they are touched by moonlight regularly , the cycles synchronize and become moon cycles . Another friend said a couple of days later , that was true of her and her college roommate - they 'd get their periods at the same time . And the room they lived in was tiny - they would wake up some mornings and find they 'd dreamed of the same things . That friend who lives with the tree frogs did advanced graduate studies in linguistics . He 's told me before - language didn 't develop out of our need to communicate ( many species communicate without language ) ; it developed out of semantics . There are huge variants in human language . Most of us are most familiar with languages with a subject - verb - object agreement . The subject performs an action , and the verb agrees with it in gender and number . Kate Morningstar Ben Heppner is an extraordinary dramatic tenor . His voice is , well , you 'll get to listen to it . Reviewers say his dramatic talent is excellent , and so are his diction , phrasing and interpretation of his roles . He 's 52 years old now , and was born on the Canadian west coast , and lived in British Columbia and the Yukon Territory , and studied music at University of British Columbia . He 's just performed Siegried in Aix - en - Provence last week - Siegried as a lumberjack . The production didn 't get a great review , but he did . If you 're out in lumberjack country , he has concert dates in Seattle , Lethbridge , Vancouver , White Horse , Yellowknife and northern Alberta and Saskatchewan from mid - August through mid - October . Siegried is one of his signature roles , as are Tristan and Lohengrin , but he doesn 't confine himself to Wagner . It would have been easy enough to post a video of one of those , and I probably will , some other day . Tonight , you 're getting one of my favourite arias - " Nessun Dorma " from Puccini 's Turandot . Stunning , stunning . If you already like opera , it 's wonderful . If you don 't think you know or like opera , you 'll probably recognize it . If you really don 't think you like opera , well , it 's only three minutes and eight seconds long … And maybe this will change your mind . Posted by So many of us women in the blogosphere have been struggling with the way we feel about food , and its effects on our minds and bodies . I 've read a couple of posts in the last two weeks - Sharecropper and Jan , for sure - whose doctors have told them things they didn 't want to hear , and then there are the comments threads . Food and my weight and resulting health issues have been part of my struggle for the last 40 years . I 've been thinking about posting about it for some time . God comes into it . And I 'm getting very close to writing that post . In the meantime , I leave you with some expert commentary . I have to say , the first time I heard this was over 20 years ago , and the phrase , " with nooooo - body watching … " rang in me like a gong . That had so often been my pattern - eat for comfort as soon as I was alone and nobody was watching . Turn the sound up loud ! Posted by It 's a night for love songs . It 's not that there 's anyone to be playing love songs to . I 'd consider volunteers though . It 's just one of those nights . It 's beautiful out - hot and we 're not yet having the forecast thunderstorms . And I 'm deeply happy tonight . That makes a nice change . My plan was Frank Sinatra singing " I Took a Trip on a Train ( and I Thought About You ) " , but there 's no YouTube of it , and I don 't have an mp3 file of it yet either . This is so high up on the list of second - best that it 's practically a tie . Cass Elliott sounds just lovely on this . I 've never heard anyone sing it better , and I 'm not sure I ever heard her sing anything else better . There 's just a still of the album cover by way of video - close your eyes while you listen and dream a little dream of someone special . Posted by I went to read poetry over at After the Bridge , and wound up playing silly , happy blogthings as well . I love this painting . I was visiting friends at L ' Arche tonight , and they showed me certificates they 'd been given with this on them . You Are Best Described By . . . Petite FleursBy Pablo PicassoWhat Famous Work of Art Are You ? It 's Dennis ' birthday ! ! ! Since he reminded me , a few months ago , of something I 'd loved and lost , I 'm posting it again , for a present . Posted by Sometime last winter , around Christmas when I was holed up in solitude , I started thinking about quantum physics . That makes it sound like I understand something about quantum physics . Just enough to start speculating . The thing I understand best is that a quantum particle affects other quanta . What happens to one , happens to many , somehow , even the ones on the far side of the universe . I don 't understand that . I don 't understand even how scientists believe they 've proven that . But , I accept it . I was thinking about God a lot too , and people . Sometime in there , I decided that perhaps it would be helpful for me , for my behaviour ( which wasn 't great at the time ) , if I thought of myself as a single particle in a larger whole . And you as another particle . And a sheep in Australia as another . ( I know what you 're all thinking , especially the Mad One … ) Plankton in the Antarctic . The third moon of Jupiter . Everything is a particle in a wholeness . What that would mean is that my behaviour isn 't just my behaviour . It would affect the behaviour and well - being of all those other particles , in some way I don 't understand . And it would affect the entity of which we are all particles . I keep thinking of that entity as The Singleness . God is The Singleness . At least , that 's what I 've been trying to keep in my mind and my heart . I 've been trying to align myself with the well - being of The Singleness , and to act and pray in a way that would increase the innate goodness of it . Heaven knows , I 've sent enough bad action and energy into it , over the years . And will continue to do so . Even Paul said , " I do not do the things I want to do … " Since the winter , I 've learned that there are brilliant scientists and theologians who have been writing about quantum theology . ( Hah ! Maybe I wasn 't just out there in La - La Land ! ) There are more books than I can read , and I don 't know enough about the field or the authors to be able to separate the sheep from the goats . If anyone 's got any suggestions , please leKate Morningstar This is for Fran , Jan and Pagan Sphinx . Jane Siberry 's my age , almost . She 's got this sweet , sweet voice , and her songs are as lovely and complicated and interesting as they come . She 's kind of a cult hit . A couple of years ago , she changed her life radically - sold all her stuff , changed her name to Issa , which she says is a female variant on Isaiah . As Kate Morningstar , I know that reaching 50 and changing my life and name , the new choice is intensely personal . For today , for this post , I 've put Jane Siberry , because it 's also her choice that the music she recorded when that was her name be sold with that name . Love to everyone . Enjoy . And , good night . Posted by Tracy 's Mom had her surgery today - they started at 8 a . m . The news is all good so far . The surgeon said that chemo had shrunk the tumour , so there was no need to resect any of the bowel . And there was no spread to the stomach or liver . Her Mom 's tired and sore , and they were having trouble finding a bed on a ward to put her in . So they 'd kept her in recovery , and the family aren 't allowed to visit patients in recovery in that hospital . Frustrating . She said thank you for all the prayers . And I say so too .

Everything changed when Aaron was injured 09 . 07 . 11 . Two missing legs , two years in recovery , three apartments , one dog , a miracle baby and a million tears later . . . we 're ready to come home and get on with it , and I 'm ready to figure out who I am going to be . Pages How children grow angel wings I will never understand . But Lily 's work was done , and she will be there to greet her mother , uncles , aunt , and grandparents when the time has come for them to join her . 3 months on Earth . . . just enough time to eternally change everyone who held her . One of her uncles is a very good friend of mine , and I hope to find the words to console him . This is the last post I will write about how certain things went down when I first found out about Aaron 's injury , and the subsequent weeks . It has been four months and 18 days since life went squirrel - y . He was deployed a total of 5 months and 14 days before he was hit , and as I near that mile marker for recovery , I have to let go . It 's hard - so much of my life has been surviving various terrible and negative experiences that I never learned to move on . I learned to accept and survive , which is different and not as healthy . Nearly 30 years old and still struggling , but I 'm not ashamed . We never stop learning , do we ? I know you know you botched my notification . Botched would be an understatement , actually . You possibly could not have done worse if you tried . And when you had the chance to apologize for what you did to me and Aaron 's family , you instead talked about how you 'd been helping us all along , how you did me a favor by knocking on my door instead of letting the Big Army call me . At least the Big Army would have told me about his injuries up front , instead of making a personal decision not to . When you made that decision , you obviously didn 't wonder who was going to tell me . Thankfully , it was someone who is kind , who knew me , and felt a whole lot of pain while doing it . So frankly , you suck . You 're sort of a terrible person to me and it 's a sad affair that you 're a leader in the military . I will never forget you , and I mean that in the most negative sense . You are a black mark on my life ; in my darkest hour , you made it worse . I know you don 't know this , and I know it doesn 't matter - but writing this has helped me feel better , and now I feel like I can forget as much about you as possible . I am glad there will never be another occasion in which we will need to speak . I actually don 't have much of a personal problem with you . Facts are facts , though . You sent someone to notify me and assumed that happened . For whatever reason , you chose not to call me that day . Maybe it 's because you had no idea who I was . Maybe you didn 't feel any obligation whatsoever to call the spouse , which is fine . Again , not personal . But fact is , you didn 't double check and you are solely responsible for notifying our unit 's entire FRG email list of my husband 's injuries before me , therefore delaying notifying others who loved Aaron . I think you know this , and that 's why you did try very hard to help me with other tough business in your final days in your position . I will always appreciate that , even if I won 't ever forget that you were completely negligent with my notification . I know you thought the job had been done when you wrote that email . Not your fault there . The email was inappropriate , and you should have called me first . You made a decision that I didn 't deserve to have any say in what you wrote about my husband 's injuries . I only and simply thank God I didn 't read it , or that his parents weren 't on that list . You might have been responsible for a medical emergency had that happened . Thanks for what you tried to do , and I hope you learned from it . We 're good . I would tell your children that you 're a terrible person . Because of your bad information , I thought I 'd only go to Germany if Aaron wasn 't coming home . That was not true and is not Army policy , but it took about a dozen phone calls to convince me that actually going to Germany didn 't mean my husband was dying . I flipped out completely because you were lazy at your job . Please go do something else . Anything else . Just nothing to do with people . You suck , too . A lot . We both know telling me to " just deal with it " was possibly the worst choice of words possible on my third or fourth day with my husband in ICU . I am sure it was as bad a day for you as it was for me , and that you 're equally happy that we don 't have to deal with each other further . I heard you 're good with soldiers but not with us , the " others " , the families - so consider that the next time you need to change positions . No worries . Your beeping could induce an anxiety attack in this woman ( and my husband ) . I would love to skeet shoot the lot of you off the hospital roof . A few nurses would join me . Even though it 's been months since I heard your little noise , I can still hear it in my head . ( This one is a dual - edged sword because I know the wound vacs do great things , but when those things don 't work , it 's hell . I promise . ) I love our apartment . I really do . I don 't love things slowly falling apart ( new building , first year , it happens ) , or that the trash dumpster is as far away as it could possibly be , and not handicap accessible in any way whatsoever . A lump of asphalt off the curb is NOT a wheelchair ramp , as well . Please do this wonderful building justice and get stuff right . Did any one of you at any point sit in a wheelchair and attempt to do everything in this building those wounded must do ? Anyone ? I guess that 's about it . It all comes down to negativity . I was reading this psychology article on the science of letting go . It 's not something I ever learned in childhood or after , so I 'm working hard on it now . Do I just want to say my peace ? Be heard by someone who actually helps ? Does it even really matter ? I do feel better after writing this . I just want the optional negativity out . There 's enough on this journey as it is . There 's even some in the future we know will come , so I 'm trying to clean house now . I don 't want to hear it , see it , smell it , or taste it . I don 't want phone calls from people to talk about anything negative . I 'm just not in that place right now , for whatever reason . And to sign off , I 'm going to dedicate some space to the good things I 've experienced : I 've been feeling all after - school special - y lately . Well , in my own special way . Think : BE EFFING NICE , PEOPLE . I just don 't understand why some people intentionally reach out to be rude , mean , and cruel . I can 't imagine judging someone for something they can 't help - like illness or sexuality . I don 't believe in hating on certain group of people because one of those kinds of people hurt me or someone I love . When I encounter someone like that , my first thought is to be understanding : Obviously the hatin ' person experienced something wholly negative with X , and since I don 't know what it 's like I won 't judge his or her entire character . Don 't get me wrong , I have spent a good portion of my life being angry . The last near - five months ( FIVE MONTHS , HOLY CRAP ) have been chock full of really angry moments . I can 't remember what it was , but I was having to deal with some entity that wasn 't being nice . I deliberately waited until I was pissed off about something else to make a phone call . I guess my knee - jerk reaction to a difficult and rude situation is to fight back . " Oh yeah ? Wanna be rude ? FINE . I WIN . " Everyone has their rough days . I try to keep it to myself , take my meds , and drink a glass of wine . Or just sit in silence . More than once I 've told my husband that we 're going to be quiet for awhile so I can sit and stew . It happens . So , I bought the first thing that has to do with a baby : a basal thermometer . Nope , we 're not trying . I mean , we 're practicing ( BIG GRIN ) but as long as he 's on testosterone we aren 't trying . We won 't be trying until he 's been off the T for about 3 - 6 months and his swimmers have been tested to see if we should even " try " . But , I figure I might as well find out everything I can about my stuff . Aaron wants to spend a few months trying naturally if the numbers are in our favor . I 'm a little more realistic / pessimistic about it , mainly because hope kills so I try not to engage in banking on a good turn of events in our favor . The ability to have children is never guaranteed to any of us , but it definitely sucks when you have to walk the path of alternative methods to become parents . I have accepted that IVF is most likely going to be a part of our process and I 'm okay with that . But yay for me figuring my junk out so when and if it 's time to rumble , I 'll be ready ! I can hear Aaron snoring in the bedroom . I stayed up late to get a few things done without hearing my name called 15 times an hour . Today was a little rough , with anxiety high for both of us . I think I 'm also transitioning emotional - again - to a new place and that has me feeling a little rocky . I can all too easily recall the early days of this new life . People remind me how far I 've come . I just feel so lucky , so blessed , every single day . I don 't know what it was about last night 's sleep - because it wasn 't that good - but I woke up feeling like I 've been a real whiny loser lately ! I 'm not being too hard on myself - I know it 's true . It 's so easy to let the frustrations , pain , and annoyances of this place get to me . It kind of builds up , then something really unnecessary happens and I blow a gasket . Yesterday , I did all the things I needed to do to register for school only to find out there was something stupid holding my account . I just lost it . I was still upset about some nastiness hurled my way , too - a week ago . But then dinner happened . The Wounded EOD Warrior Foundation had everyone out to a local Mexican place - their treat . There were families , babies , girlfriends , and friends . Aaron 's battalion commander and sergeant major had come down and joined us , as well . It was just such a good evening to shoot the shit with these people . Then Aaron and I went out with Kiel , another wounded from the company . I learned a lot listening to those guys talk . I let depression into my life for a little while and I 'm glad to send it on its way . I let someone else 's negativity affect me , and I 'm stupid for doing that . I guess I am just more sensitive to things now . It 's not that one particular person matters enough to upset me , it 's the whole ugly act that ruined a few days for me . It 's also a lack of understanding on my part , as well . I don 't know what it 's like to take a deployment so negatively , so difficultly , that the only way I can feel better is to harass a wounded unit soldier and his wife even after being asked repeatedly to stop . I don 't know what it 's like to read a sentence on a blog written by the wife of an amputee , who has greeted two more unit comrades at the hospital , and take it so personally I can 't function without telling her exactly what I think of her , or provoking her husband to agree with me . That has got to be a rough and depressing deployment existence and I absolutely don 't know what that 's like . So even though I will never excuse the behavior because we 're all adults here , I can at least say that I don 't know what it 's like to be her ; therefore , I don 't know where her vitriol comes from , so I won 't judge her personality or character . I would definitely never call her a dishonor to the unit and her husband . I realize I talk a lot about what it 's like for me to be here , as if it 's unique and special . It comes off as indignant , maybe . Like I expect a medal . I don 't think I 'm doing anything that any loving wife wouldn 't do . There is nothing extraordinary going on here . I guess I keep talking about it because I don 't know if people understand or not . At four months of writing this , living it , taking it in and letting it all out , people either get that they don 't understand or they don 't . I can 't keep going on about how life is different here . It is what it is , and I am going to approach it as just life . It 's a beautiful one , too . Aaron just rolled in from driving class and let me know that he blew the instructor away . I am so proud of him . Looks like we 'll be car shopping soon enough ! ! ! ! And i 'm off to be VERY NICE to the college people so they can fix my account , and I can finally register . I WILL BE NICE , I WILL BE NICE . . . ; ) Well , it looks like my Military Spouse of the Year nomination was a fluke . I was nominated , and my name was on the web site , but I didn 't make the final five . I wasn 't sure that I was the right spouse for the job , anyway . I live in a gritty , honest world and we all know only the pretty and triumphant tend to grace those pages . Aaron and I are triumphant every day , but we haven 't quite " arrived " yet . So I 'm all good ! Yesterday just took it out of me . I went with Aaron to a few of his appointments , and it was just wait , wait , wait . And of course no one tells you it takes 1 . 5 hours to process paperwork , or an hour to fill two prescriptions on that pharmacy ( Aaron has a " warrior card " that puts him ahead of the thick at the pharmacy to prevent that , but whatever ) . Sometimes , it 's just all stupid . We came home and had about half an hour before dinner , and I just sat down and didn 't say a word . Aaron missed his most important appointments - PT / OT - because of BS and it was just so frustrating . But we all know how it is - that 's the way it 's always been , so that 's the way it 'll always be ! Why fix what 's broken but everybody still engages ? ! You know , I try not to let mean and crazy people live rent - free in my head but sometimes it 's hard to shake being angry and frustrated that you 've been judged by people who honestly have no clue what your life is like . It 's not that it hurts ; it 's just infuriating . I feel like it 's almost as if someone is ungrateful for what is going on here . Not just me , but all the families here . We count pills , attend appointments , give injections , carry limbs , treat wounds , pick up dropped things that can 't be reached by a man in a wheelchair , do all the housekeeping , forget to feed ourselves some days - the list goes on . Some of us might not ever conceive a child because of the injuries . And we do all this for your soldier 's wounded comrade . It 's not just my husband , it 's the soldier yours served with . I 'm taking damn good care of him . I just honestly don 't understand how someone could call me a dishonor to my husband and his unit . Perhaps it 's indignant of me , but I don 't think anyone has any business judging a damn thing I say until the bottom of their shoes look like mine . No one else 's opinion really matters so much to me that I 'm going to think of every single person as I write and say the things I do , anyway . I 'm sharing my journey , and everyone can take it or leave it . Don 't get your feelings hurt - it 's not personal . Three months ago I was burning up the ground between the Navy Lodge and the hospital , and it felt like hell . Two months ago we were discharged from the hospital and put into our little apartment on hospital grounds , and it was overwhelming and beautiful and beyond difficult . A month ago we were getting ready to go home for Christmas , something we didn 't even think was going to be possible . This is one hell of journey we 're on , with its emotional ups and downs . Deployment was rough , no doubt . But I 'd give anything to be back in those shoes instead of these . But this is the path we were put on , and we 're going to own it . We are going to be the best we 'll ever be , and blaze away from here in about year . It 's changing me and him all the time , and at the end of the day I will always say this : I am lucky to be here with him . Posted by I recently reviewed everything I posted online about Aaron 's incident , since the day I received my knock . Man , I 've been a lot of places emotionally ! I 've recently come to a point where I don 't want to talk about my notification anymore , or our first few days and weeks here at the hospital . There 's a lot inside of me still waiting to get out about those harrowing moments , but progress and adjustment have finally come along our way . I live at a hospital . My street address is the same as Walter Reed National Military Medical Center 's ( mostly referred to simply as " Bethesda " ) . I am not yet comfortable having to be anywhere away from Aaron , so I 'm not going attend college classes this term , but take them online . I live in generous government housing on hospital grounds . I 'm learning about DC area driving and what places to avoid ( I 'm looking at you , Georgetown and 495 around Falls Church ) . Aaron goes to physical therapy and occupational therapy every day . I usually join him , unless I feel that I need to get caught up on housework or various other errands . I feel grateful everyday that I wake up next to him , and know that we 're not getting out of bed until we 've adequately cuddled . I guess what I 'm trying to say here is that simply , this has become life . It 's home now . This doesn 't feel weird . Seeing a group of triple amputees drag each other on the floor by electric wheelchairs was just funny and not " wow , that 's odd " funny . Just funny . Just being part of it . I will never know who I was going to be had this not happened to Aaron . I can 't remember too much about ourselves from " before " - he 's so honestly positive and has the best sense of humor about it all that I suppose I think he 's always been this way . Or at least , this is the man I love . After a bit of deployment drama , he sat in the tub and talked about what was good about deployment : " Having babies is good . People getting married is good . Coming home is good . We should focus on these things . " It was just so simple and true , I could have cried . I 'm in a good place with my husband and family and those who are truly my friends . I was a regular Army EOD wife for 18 months , and now I 'm a warrior wife for my hero husband . I 'm good , folks . Doing just fine . We made it ! ! ! ! Aaron was a trooper with all the airport business . I did pretty well managing all the bags ! While I will never agree with or support TSA policies and practices , everyone was as respectful as they could be . Delta was excellent with us , too . The hotel isn 't in the best part of town and all the fast food joints sketch me out , so I hit up a Family Dollar across the street . Sure , it 's all processed , but I know what 's not in it ! ! ! Roll Tide ! ! ! We 're so lucky to be here ! ! ! It 's wonderful that we were gifted the BCS Bama / LSU tickets . We were always going to say yes . I just wish I knew how to plan better ! I should have just bought the " expensive " airfare in and out of New Orleans . Even though the price seemed crazy , it would have prevented a lot of headache and extra dollars spent . I had to cancel our original arrival flight because it went into Houston . See , the first plan was to fly into Houston and stay with friends , rent a car , then drive over for the game the day of ( kickoff isn 't until 730pm ) . We would somehow get to the game . Then drive out Tuesday back to Houston , stay with friends again , and fly out . The Houston airfare was about $ 400 total versus the direct NOLA airfare of $ 800 . Since the car was going to be dropped off in the same place it was picked up , we were getting a great deal of $ 20 per day . Well , we got handicap accessible seating but it came with a change in plans - we had to be at the Superdome by noon . So , I canceled the flight into Houston , eating $ 150 . At least we got the other $ 90 back . One - way into NOLA is $ 400 . Add a night at the hotel at about $ 200 . Pay for a one way car rental , $ 89 . Schedule a car to take us from the Superdome back to the hotel - $ 160 because traffic is going to be that bad . We could have just gambled on a taxi , but this place is going to be nuttier than any Mardi Gras I 've ever been to . At least I get to see some long lost friends in Houston , and attend a once - in - a - lifetime game ( two SEC teams - including my Bama - in the BCS bowl ! ) . I 'm so , so grateful . It 's just always something , though . A lot of this has developed so last minute . At least one friend is willing to dedicate her game day morning to taking us to the stadium . Since we were gifted the tickets so late in the game , everything has been astronomical . The only reason we have the transportation after the game is because one company was willing to put out their wheelchair van ( and my cousin called 8 other places ) . At least we can stay for the whole game . When it was looking like a cabSo , there 's a lot of " at least " in there , which makes it all worth it . The price of the trip is still less than what 1 ticket is going for on Stub Hub . Right now - and I mean in this current moment - I 'm just a little taxed . I 've done a lot of calling and asking around , and had some help . Argh . I am glad we will take a break from traveling when we return on Wednesday . I really am grateful . I am spoiled rotten to be about to drop $ 1500 on this trip ( before gas , tips , and food ) . Spoiled . Rotten . But it doesn 't mean I don 't get stressed . . . and I still have to pack ! Roll Tide ! Annnnnd . . . . we 're back ! The two weeks back in Alabama was wonderful . We had a good dose of family and best friends . Of course , it went by entirely too quickly and now we 're back to the grind . Well , not for long . . . We 're going to the BCS Championship game ! We 're both born and bred Alabama fans ( I attended the university , as well ) and are so excited to be given this opportunity . Seats 4 Soldiers donated the tickets to us . They saw the CNN clip in which Aaron was wearing a " Roll Tide " t - shirt and decided to help us start our year off right . It 's been a process on working accommodations in NOLA out so close to the game , but everything finally worked out today . We 're just glad the hotel had room for an extra night . Aaron also grew 5 inches his first day back . His legs now have knees that bend so he can wear them in his wheelchair , and wear them longer . Even being back for less than 24 hours has progress . This year , I 'm letting go . I 'm letting go of all the hurt from last year . I 'm letting go of not - friends , a horrible injury notification , and the anger that came with our current situation . Aaron is the most positive person I have ever known , we have the best marriage I 've ever seen ( although I might be partial ) , and we both have incredible support systems . I don 't have a good reason to be negative or angry anymore . At least , not to the extent that it upsets my everyday . Adjusting to the new wounded warrior lifestyle , entering my 30s , and figuring out the rest of the story with my hero husband . Come along for the ride . You can email me at : unlikelywife AT gmail dot com .

Kind of like " Cheers " is to Bostonians , we 're a Dallas - area hangout for misfits and wingnuts but people like each other here and we laugh a lot . But hey , we always set out an extra plate , like they do in Arab lands . Come on in , get a cup of coffee and stay a while . . . . Lloyd officially rose to " Great Dog " status in the last two days . On both days , I had enough of people and just needed to get away so I took a book and hit my hammock . Lloyd was apparently feeling the same way ( he 's had a steady diet of visitors , too ) and he hopped up there with me and hung out . . . . The new Nirvana set on CD / DVD has only caused my admiration for them as a musical force to grow . You get to see the evolution of songs , which makes it really interesting to hear a song go from an idea to finished product right in front of you . Kurt Cobain 's journals really aren 't all that insightful , but they do inspire creativity in me . Youth pastor brings up the idea that when we had Sunday on July 4 nobody came to the evening services and it was really a waste of resources to have so many volunteers and staff and electricity and musicians and singers and board ops and all that jazz for so few people . Youth pastor suggests that since the same kind of thing is taking place on Halloween in a couple of months that maybe we should just cancel the evening block of services on October 31 . And , oh yeah , why not on December 26th when we just had 4 Christmas Eve services two days before ? The decision was made to run a normal set of services on October 31 . Youth pastor was RIGHT , baby ! Lots of resources were wasted . Few came , and even fewer children . Vindication ! Maybe I should bring up Christmas again . Discussion at that staff meeting tabled until right before Thanksgiving so everybody could think about it . Decision is made to run the full - schedule on December 26th . Christmas Eve services were packed to the gills . Standing room only at the first two , and about 60 percent capacity at the last two . . . and those numbers add up to about 70 % full overall . I 'm thinking nobody shows up on the 26th . Looking forward to even more vindication ! A nice , relaxing Christmas at my home . . . daughters excitedly up at 6 : 20AM ready for action . Got too much . Ate too much . Didn 't nap enough . Will fix that today as the anemic Cowboys offense should do the trick . Anyway , my annual gift review : Gift that caused the most commotion : My daughter Kelsey got a cell phone that takes pictures . Teenage girl . Cell phone that needed to be loaded with numbers and pictures and ring tones and all that jazz . The phone hasn 't left her hand today . Gift that couldn 't miss : The girls and I combined financial resources and loaded Tracy down with a nice treatment at a spa . Massage , facial & manicure . Slam dunk . Gift guaranteed to last the longest : My sister gave Tracy and I a corkscrew that will open a wine bottle in 3 seconds . It 's good for 20 , 000 pulls . So , lemme see . If we drank a bottle a month , it 'd last 60 years . Gift that brought childhood to the next level : When I was a kid , we would play a game called paper football at lunch or during study hall or whenever we were bored . All you 'd need was a table and a piece of paper . You fold the paper over several times into a tightly knit triangle and play football by trying to get a portion of the triangle to hang over the edge of the table without falling off to score touchdowns . Well , I got a leather triangle football ( with grains like a real football ) with the Auburn logo on it . . . and it came with uprights so you don 't have to use your fingers . Nice . It competed with last year 's ping - pong ball basketball game , which sits in my office . Football will , too . Gifts with the best shot for self - expression : Kelsey got canvases in various sizes for painting , and Shelby got hip - hop dancing shoes . . . which look like regular athletic shoes but have no rubber sole over the arch . Gift that got combined the quickest : Shelby put on a shirt that says , " Caution : Ballet shoes needed beyond this pointe , " ( get it ? hahaha ) fired up the CD player with Shania Twain 's Greatest Hits and danced around to " Man , You Make Me Feel Like A Woman . " I 'm not sure how I feel about that combination yet . Gift O ' Irony : Let 's see , the Incarnation of God is the reason for the celebration , and my higher - order life - liver sister Jilly got me a 3 - CD set of Nirvana rare tracks and demo tapes ( with a DVD of their home videos of early performances of " greatest hits " included ) as well as a copy of Kurt Cobain 's " Journals . " I sat in my hammock and enjoyed them both . Ironic . Gift that has yet to be taken off : Kelsey got a replica of Texas Ranger Hank Blalock 's jersey . It was put on around 7AM and is still going strong . 2nd place is Shelby 's ballet shirt mentioned earlier . It went on at 7 : 05AM . Gift with the most pracicality : My mom loaded us down with socks . But they 're all high quality socks . . . you know , with thick heels and toes . Everybody got underwear , too . I 'm really trying hard , ya know ? I don 't want to be a scrooge . I just am . Some things have been helping , though . I 've cranked up the Lost and Found Christmas CD , which is way more my style ( if you missed the comic strip " Non Sequiter " yesterday where the guy had a jam box and a wheelbarrow full of money with more people adding to it , and a sign that said , " Will Not Play Any Christmas Music : $ 5 " . . . well , I don 't like much Christmas music ) . Think Violent Femmes singing your favorite carols . You don 't have to like it . . . but it 's more my style . I watched an old Christmas show called " A Wish For Wings That Work " and had forgotten what a wonderful Christmas special that is . If anyone can find that on DVD , I 'll pay more than it 's worth to own a copy . We have our Christmas Eve planned out . This year , Shelby told me that it 's " tradition " that we see a movie on Christmas Eve afternoon . Tracy and I checked with each other to make sure our memories weren 't haywire , and no , we 've NEVER done that . . . but we gave Shelby points for creativity and will go see a movie . For those of you who read The Diner frequently , you know I 've been poking fun at a local church 's hokey signs . Right now , it cryptically says , " You can 't fill that hole with fruitcake . " I 'm a bit unsure of that one . It was the last school day in our school district yesterday . I dropped Shelby off at school and then headed to coffee with one of my teenagers . On the way , the snow flurries started . By the time school let out and all that , there were a couple of inches of snow on the ground ( none sticking to the roads ) . . . soup was made , fire in the fireplace , daughters keyed up . . . the works . " Faiths are being reborn , one person at a time , in some unfathomable way . That 's not happening because of some political campaign , that 's for sure . Nor through some direct - mail effort or television ranting . For that matter , it 's not through electing the right leader , finding the correct judge or passing a particular law . Rebirth comes through something far more mystical yet nonetheless real . " My friends in the band Lost and Found have a line in their song " The Kingdom " that says , " We know what you fear , but what are you for ? " The song is almost apologetic in that so often , Christians push others away from the Kingdom of God because of their focus on things that Jesus never emphasized . The Kingdom 's big enough for you , where you are , as you are . ( Their words ) And yet , we 're often our own worst enemy . We make the love of God seem so hard and distant . Maybe it 's the fact the weather is 70 degrees . Maybe it 's that the progressive dinner didn 't run smoothly from my end of things . Maybe it 's because my children still have three days of school this week . Maybe it 's because Lost and Found ( my favorite music group ) didn 't come to our church with their annual Christmas show . I dunno . Yesterday I was on the fly like you wouldn 't believe . It all started when one of my former students , who I was intensely involved in her discipleship , was having a party to celebrate her graduation from university . I got to visit a lot of friends and such , so that was good , and two thoughts were primary in my mind : First , that every time I get around Melissa , it reminds me that sometimes there really is a " payoff " for your hard work as she 's come very far spiritually ( not to mention that I 've known this young woman since she was 12 ) . And second , that her parents are doing something right as they have three children who have a true heart for God . Then I was off to our staff Christmas " open house . " It 's a lot of fun to be around our staff as we have our own little " warp and woof " as a group . No one leaves our staff at all . . . and there 's a reason : Sometimes it 's cool to be associated with uber - talented people with amazing gifts who are all working for The Kingdom . We 've been together , personality quirks and generation gaps and all , for about 5 years now as a unit ( some of us have been around about a decade together ) and it really is fun to get together outside of work , with spouses and all . Next stop was our mini - church Christmas party . They 're fun people , too . We did a gift exchange and had a lot of laughs . . . we meet fairly often and do life together . Immediately following I stopped by the college / career Christmas party to see former students en masse . I 'm floored by what amazing followers of Christ many of them have become . Last night , even though conversation was on engagments / dating / college grades / Auburn football ( they cared and noticed ! ) / our ministry , etc . there were spiritual overtones to everything . I talked with full - time missionaries and soon - to - be full - time missionaries . I talked with engaged couples telling me the story of how they felt God leading them to glorify Him by getting married . I talked about summer ministry experiences they had months ago . I heard about new Bible studies starting . I saw them having fun together with the " warps and woofs " and inside jokes that can only be shared after 7 years of life together . And on the way home , I thanked God that I serve a church in which life together is normative . And that they are indeed the family of God to me , personality quirks and generation gaps and all . I 'm blessed beyond comprehension . Yesterday , compliments of Larry 's Shoes , I recieved a free " early edition " of the Dallas Morning News Sunday newspaper . It was in my yard in the late afternoon . I was hoping that I 'd fallen into that TV show called " Early Edition " where the guy got the next day 's newspaper delivered and then felt compelled to do something about the tragedies he found in the headlines . My only thought was if I had the early edition , I was off to purchase a lottery ticket . I 'm not a big fan of the NBA . Okay , I 'm not a fan of the NBA at all . But I do watch Sports Center and noticed that basketball star Allen Iverson scored 54 points in one game for his 76ers . The reason I 'm not a fan of the NBA : If Allen " The Answer " Iverson can throw down 54 points against these guys , how come he didn 't do it one time in this summer 's Olympic games when he represented the good old USA ? Maybe because the rest of the world puts as much emphasis on defense as they do on scoring . Last night was our annual progressive dinner . It 's sort of the year - ender for our student ministry . . . and everybody came dressed up with gag - gifts afoot . They progressed all right . Appetizers in the youth room . Soups and salads in area homes . Main course in our church 's cafe / foyer . A good time was had by all . Dressed up to a guy means something entirely different than dressed up to a girl . I don 't think that changes when you get older , either . To them , sneakers , dockers and a button down was dressed up . All the girls were in nice dresses and shoes , etc . Some of the college age kids come back to help serve and set up . This year I witnessed two extremes : There were two girls who were engaged and that was very exciting , for them and for me because I think they 've chosen well . I think young men are more likely to go in debt for rings these days . . . very impressive rings for the women they love . The " white elephant " / don 't buy anything gag gift exchange is funny no matter what . It 's a slam dunk for teen entertainment . There were belly dancing instructional videos and road cones and SpongeBob toys and trophies from older sister 's athletic accomplishments . . . that teens would actually steal from each other . The hit of the party was an authentic boomerang and a stuffed animal from " Finding Nemo . " They were frozen pretty quickly . I 'm not sure of the reasons , but college kids serving at this event isn 't quite as high a priority as it used to be . Maybe it 's the ramping up of communication ( namely Instant Message and cell phones ) , or maybe it 's that our college ministry has it 's own party now and didn 't used to , but there was a time when the kids in their freshman and sophomore years all came back to see everybody and renew their relationships . In fact , we 'd have 25 college kids for 40 high schoolers . Last night , we had 10 for 85 . It was plenty , and it worked , but it 's just the " vibe " that seems to have disappeared . The days of the RSVP are so far gone it 's scary . And I don 't think people realize that when they RSVP and tell me they 'll pay that night , that we had to turn kids away who wanted to come . Then their kids don 't show . They don 't pay . And because of their selfishness , some teens didn 't get to attend . It doesn 't make me mad as those kids who wanted to get in should 've signed up earlier , too . But the reality is that youth pastors do indeed keep mental notes on this stuff and do choose not to bend over backwards to help you the next time . You cannot teach class , or manners , or even thoughtfulness and respect . . . and prestige , money and influence can 't buy those things . Steven Tyler , lead singer of Aerosmith , became a grandfather yesterday . Somehow , this is different than Mick Jagger to me . Maybe it 's because I remember very distinctly going to the pharmacy ( which for some strange reason sold albums ) the day " Toys in the Attic " the day it came out and had every record this band made , but Steven Tyler . . . Ocean 's 12 : Enjoyable movie . Until you get to the last 20 minutes . I won 't tell you the plot twist , but suffice to say you will come out of this ending and wonder what went wrong in everybody in charge 's brain . It was absolutely horrible . " It has far too often been assumed that church leaders stand above the nitty - gritty of biblical , and theological study ; they have done all that , we implicitly suppose , before they come to office , and now they simply have to work out the ' implications . ' They find themselves spending countless hours at their desks running the church business , raising money or working at dozens of other tasks , rather than poring over their foundation documents and enquiring ever more closely about the Jesus whom they are supposed to be following and teaching others to follow . I believe , to the contrary , that each generation has to wrestle afresh with the question of Jesus , not least it 's Biblical roots if it is to be truly the church at all - - not that we should engage in abstract dogmatics to the detriment of our engagement with the world , but that we should discover more and more of who Jesus was and is , precisely in order to be equipped to engage with the world that he came to save . And this is a task for the whole church , especially those appointed to leadership and teaching roles within it . " It was a very ordinary day in the life of a youth pastor . Sure , it was my day off , but it was very ordinary . There was blogging . There was napping . There was reading . There were chores , namely , mowing the yard ( Texas , ugh , grass is still growing on Dec . 12 ) and replacing all burned out light bulbs on Christmas lights . I did a bit of kid shuttling to dance and to extracurricular events . Another " ordinary " event happened , too . See , in my world , teenagers just come into my house if our flag is up . They don 't knock . They just come in . It 's a habit we started some 16 years ago and never stopped . Yesterday , Kristen popped in with offspring Judah in tow . She was here to borrow some lights from my incredibly gifted photographer wife as she , too , is doing some photography . I didn 't disciple Kristen at all , but she married someone I did and got into the habit of just coming in . She 's always been good at being who she is , and it 's always cool seeing her be good at who she is while who she is is currently being reshaped by wifery and motherhood . It was very encouraging for me to see that . Then , last night , Meredith popped in with Jordan . Jordan is one of my current students and Meredith is her best friend who graduated last year . Meredith is back from her first semester of taking a year to study God 's Word at Capernwray Bible School in England . Needless to say , it was incredible to hear what God is doing in her life at the moment , and she tried desperately to describe it , but I think I was asking her to describe something you just can 't describe no matter how hard you try . Think about it . . . try to describe the most intimate things God is doing in your life and how He is doing it . But she did so well enough to cause me to somewhat envy the opportunity . A year . In a rural environment in England with no TV . Studying the Bible from gifted teachers . Focusing on what God wants to do with us . Manalive . So , evidences of God at work in hearts and lives of people who will likely do more for The Kingdom than I ever will strolls into my living room . Twice in one day . And , in my world , that 's ordinary . I don 't know if he was trying for funny , but he hit " intelligent " and " ironic " which was humorous , but truly brilliantly insightful into our culture . For example , he was talking about Halliburton and the phrase I remember was " It was a year of power . A year of hate . I might be crooked , but my tie 's on straight . " There were comments on young people trying to influence the election wearing Che Guevara shirts but they were too busy watching Viva La Bam to vote . Insights like that . His segment was about 4 minutes long , and the show was on Comedy Central . Last Laugh 2004 was the title . Most of the show is throwaway , but if you can find a clip or a tape of Colin Quinn 's segment , you 'll laugh as well as be made uncomfortable with his insight into general American Culture . PG - 13 warning , too , kids . Some of it is off color . If I can find a transcript of it ( I looked on the web all morning and couldn 't find it yet ) , I 'll post it ASAP . But if you 've got TiVo or they 're going to replay it , make sure to watch that part . You won 't regret it . For some reason , I don 't know why , I think it 's pretty cool to go to a " special sneak preview " of an upcoming movie . Maybe it 's because of the " first on your block " syndrome . Maybe it 's because I buy the hype of " special . " Maybe it 's just that you don 't know a whole lot about it beforehand . Tracy and I ordered tickets on - line , grabbed some dinner and we were off . A movie starring Adam Sandler and rated PG - 13 is going to draw a few young teenagers . They were all sorely disappointed . My guess is they missed any and all previews . Adam Sandler 's character could not have been more likeable . His first words in the movie , about 10 minutes in , were funny . He didn 't say much in the movie , but when he did it was either funny or insightful . His character was a cross between the guy in Punch Drunk Love and The Wedding Singer . Due to our softball playoffs being rained out on four consecutive Mondays , we finally played them last night . Our team , which finished third , won the first round game 12 - 11 . We threw the potential tying run out at third base for the third out to secure the win . It was very exciting , considering that we had to play the first two innings with only 9 players since Wes had a brain freeze and forgot about the game until we called him . . . he arrived in the third inning , and it really helped out since you have to take an automatic out when that player 's spot comes up in the order , not to mention that you have to play with 3 outfielder 's instead of 4 . Then , in the championship game , we got smashed by this team of " B " league players . Our league is a combined class " C / D " league , but it 's the only league the city of Lewisville has , so they let this other team sign up . They actually used up their allotment of home runs ( each team gets 4 per game . . . our team hasn 't hit 4 in 4 years , nor has any team we played against ) in the first inning so we didn 't have much of a chance . We hung in there for a couple of innings , but in the end , we couldn 't match up with them . They actually got outs for the extra home runs they hit . I 'm that kind of tired where your eyelids feel almost as if they 're burning and the blinks are very slow and measued . When I type , my fingers sometimes hit the wrong keys and then stay there for a second while I briefly nod off . My thoughts are like a dream , very surreal things that pop into my head for about five seconds and then I wake back up again . And to think I was taking a few more of my many vacation days today and tomorrow hoping to get some writing done . Looks like a wasted day upcoming . Dangit . Softball game rained out again last night ( rescheduled for Thursday , and the forecast looks good ) . Good time watching the Cowboys on the big screen last night at a local sports bar . Got locked out of Auburn 's trip to the Sugar Bowl ( the Auburn faithful snapped up every hotel and ticket available in rapid time ) through " official " channels . Recycling and trash day is today ( I have to do Kelsey 's trash duties as she 's still on crutches ) . My dog Lloyd is making wretching pre - vomit noises ( he runs to the back door , though . Considerate , even in times of tummy trouble ) . The server at work keeps going down after two of the four e - mails get sent , and then some get kicked back to me ( I 'll have to send them from the office . . . apparently the internet mail filter is working overtime ) . . . . that I can 't believe how young lots of the teenagers I discipled are getting married . When they start getting married their sophomore year of college , no matter how spiritually mature they are , it seems so young to me . Maybe I 'm just getting old . Yesterday , my friend Lindsey got married . She was beautiful , the first dance was touching , dad 's toast was great , yada , yada , yada . I like weddings because I get to see a lot of the teens I used to disciple and get all caught up on their lives at the reception . The girls reaction was more like this , " Did you hear that Lori 's engaged ? Yeah , it was no big suprise . Did you hear how he asked her ? " The biggest difference I noticed though , among the set that wasn 't in any of those aforementioned states , was there a hint of " Deep down , I wish I was loved like they were loved , and I 'm kinda jealous , and I wonder if there 's something wrong with me that I 'm not near those aforementioned states at present . " They don 't see what a blind guy with one eye could see . And they can 't be persuaded , either , by dads or youth pastors or even peers . It 's a battle they fight against themselves . And it 's hard to watch from a distance , knowing what I know about them . Why is it that whenever the rock band Nirvana puts out something " new " ( even though the band 's demise took place over 9 years ago ) there 's a trigger that goes off in my brain that says , " I must have it . " Newest cause : A 3 - CD , 1 DVD set of rare live performances and b - sides and studio versions of different songs . How did two Pacific Northwest GenXers and their hired - gun drummer from D . C . cause my brain to fire in whatever part of the brain that fires to make you want something ? " There comes a time in everybody 's life when they 're going to get screwed . I guess this is our time . I 'm going fishin ' . " That quote comes from Pat Dye . He was Auburn 's head football coach who led us to SEC titles like crazy in the 1980 's . Of course , he also led us to NCAA probation in the 90 's but that 's another matter . In 1983 , Auburn , ranked # 3 before the bowls and playing 9 bowl teams that season , won on New Year 's Day while # 1 Nebraska and # 2 Texas lost their bowl games , only to have # 5 Miami jump over them to win the national championship . Pat Dye was interviewed that Monday after the polls came out and said those infamous words . It 's been 15 years since even an outright SEC title has been one by my beloved big blue Tigers . It 's been 11 since our best season of all time . It 's been 47 since a national championship . The days of vacation are coming to an end today . . . I have to go to work tomorrow . I 've gotten caught up on all my reading , finishing 6 books in 10 days . Family came and went . Nutcracker came and went ( pictures to come . . . haven 't checked with Tracy about development yet ) . My part of Christmas decorating has been done . Yardwork done . Not as much " rest " as I wanted , but a nice diversion from work . . . the only thing I didn 't get done was that I didn 't write as much as I wanted in my book , but I did get it outlined and some things down on paper . One more day . . . what to do , what to do . . . better get on with whatever it is . " Well , exactly the same thing happened again . And I thought to myself , oh dear , how ever many skins have I got to take off ? For I was longing to bathe my leg . So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin , just like the two others and stepped out of it . But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good . The Lion said - - but I don 't know if it spoke - - ' You will have to let me undress you . ' I was afraid of his claws , I can tell you , but I was pretty nearly desperate now . So I just lay flat down on my back and let him do it . The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart . And when he began pulling the skin off , it hurt worse than anything I 've ever felt . The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off . . . Tough day yesterday . The skin I tried to peel off didn 't work . The skin He peeled off is off . I 'm smaller . I 've seen Aslan . . . and He caught hold of me .

I am Bogart Handsome Devil , Airedale Terrier and dog - about - town . I 'm growing up in front of the entire world here on my blog . . . sharing my world with crazy cats and my mama Lulu . The King of Terriers is in da house ! To everyone who contributed toward this , I simply cannot thank you enough . When it arrived I was puzzled - I wasn 't expecting a package - and Bogart almost scared off the UPS man with his mighty bark . And then I opened it . . . It is an incredible work - Ami , you are a GENIUS - and the first thing I did ( after sitting on the floor with it and crying for about a half hour ) was put it up on the wall directly across from our front door . So it is the very first thing I see whenever I come home . It is so very , very special and I love it very , very much . Klaus ' hand is perfect , those are his fingers , and the sleeve is from one of his own jackets - he was a fashion designer in Austria and had his own shop in Vienna - that he made . And I am wearing Klaus ' ring . And Bogart 's expression is right on ! The other reason to hang it up right away is that our apartment currently looks like this ( lets all play Spot the Airedale ) : Love , Love , and More Love , Lulu & Bogart The week has gone by so fast , tomorrow is one week since my big move . I have visited our old house every day in order to clean it out , and so Bogart could have his runs in the old backyard . It 's a really odd thing to drive out there every day , to the house that Klaus and I hoped would represent our future , to empty and clean it . And I really hate the act of cleaning a house that I 'm moving out of . I always wonder exactly how things got so dirty . . . Our new place is nice , just odd . We live in the Pearl District now , sort of the trendy gallery - and - boutique area , and of course we are no longer in a house but a building . As the boxes slowly disappear I 've realized that the space should indeed be enough for my whole furry and fuzzy family . Klaus now has his own spot next to my bed with a framed photo next to him , which makes me so sad yet happy that he 's next to me . My days are full of questions and decisions , and I made one clear decision today - to allow my large gauged ears to close so that I can wear Klaus ' nipple rings in my ears . Sounds like a silly little thing , but it 's really huge for me . The cremation folks properly removed them so that I can wear them - apparently not an odd request for them , but I 'm happy that it was done well . I spent years slowly stretching my earlobes and taking care that they stay supple , so to allow them to close a bit is just another process . I have them in now and it feels awesome . Not only do I mourn for Klaus but I also mourn for myself - my life as I knew it died alongside him . Obviously , I have had to move and downsize my life considerably . But all of the little things , from picking a place to eat to sharing a laugh over an inside joke , or even just having someone to constantly talk to are gone , and that silence is deafening . Whenever I do have the opportunity to talk to someone my voice cracks and I have to fight off the tears . Klaus was my best friend , my husband , my lover , and my constant companion . That 's impossible to replace . I 'm just stumbling around now , trying to get througPosted by The last day of my daily walkie on Powell Butte . One of dad 's favorite places in Portland , and where he and I walked every single day since we moved here . So sort of a Klaus Memorial Walkie as mama and I talked a lot about dad and how much we missed him . I left a little message for ya there dad . . . And I collected some pine cones to take with us . . . And a nice juicy stick . . . Because today was moving day . At exactly 9 : 00 in the morning ( after said walkie ) , a big yellow truck pulled up in front of our house . Movers - on time ? Amazing . And they were completely awesome - they helped mama , shrink - wrapped lots of our furniture , and even managed to keep me from wandering too far into the neighborhood to get in some final pee - mail . The company is called Thunder Movers , and mama was really , really happy with them . Neither of the guys blinked an eye when they saw all of this : I , however , had other fish to fry . I needed to make sure that in all of the fuss we did not forget to take some very important things with us . . . Like this soccer ball . I found this back in Los Angeles in Griffith Park , and have enjoyed many fine kicking days in my back yard with dad . Even though I understand that the new place doesn 't have a back yard , well that 's no reason not to keep the soccer ball , is it ? IS IT MAMA ? As much as I enjoy being in charge and supervising , I did want to help . I offered to help mama take down the box filled with food and dog treats . Only fair I thought , as the moving guys were dealing with this : In the end , you 'll be happy to know that our move went smoothly and we are now in our new place . And most importantly , the soccer ball made the cut . Love , Bogart Yes , we are all still alive . . . thanks to all who have been checking in on us . The work of finding a place to live and then actually going through all of our 13 years worth of things has been incredibly draining . Even Bogart does not insist on walking outside for things other than are absolutely necessary . I know he understands that I am very busy , and very sad , and he is as well . Even simple things like what to do with the contents of Klaus ' underwear drawer were heart - wrenching . Wading through so many years ' worth of things - some sentimental , some functional , some very what - were - we - thinking ? - has kicked me hard in the stomach . Finding a place to live took a LOT out of me ( and Bogart , he was absolutely essential in persuading my next landlord to take us ) . Packing is always stressful , but when you are packing , taking things away to Goodwill , selling things on Craiglist , and still trying to figure out what to keep and why . . . well , I haven 't had much time or energy to do much else . Every once in awhile I find something that makes me start crying uncontrollably and then an hour or so is lost . Today 's time - waster was finding Klaus ' cologne . One whiff made me into a sobbing puddle . It has been only a little more than a month since Klaus entered the hospital and our lives have changed immeasurably - sometimes time speeds along , other times it is slower than molasses . We plan to move this Sunday . I have splurged and hired movers . I am so incredibly happy with that idea . Love , Lulu & Bogart Wednesday , you ask ? Surely you jest . . . it 's Friday the 13th after all . . . Well , no . I 've decided that I am always approximately 2 days behind - not just in blogging , but in everything . That appears to be the amount of time I have lost in the last week or so either through sleeping or crying . Not to mention that pesky daylight savings time . Spring forward my ass . . . On Wednesday evening Bogart and I decided that some ice cream was in order . Those who know me well have probably just gasped for breath . Those of you who don 't know me personally have no idea why such a simple thing would cause such trepidation . You see , I am a semi - reformed sugar addict . There , I said it . I 've come out of my frosting - filled closet . For the last two years I was able to ignore the siren song of the sugary treat ( February 23rd being my anniversary ) . Not a single bit of goodness passed my lips during that time . Was I happy about it ? More like conflicted , I 'd say . I gave up everything ( cookies , candy , chocolate , pie , ice cream , oh pretty much everything delicious and sugar - y ) cold turkey . The only way I could . And it was HARD . Not terribly rewarding either as I didn 't do any of the things that those " death to sugar " books would lead you to believe - didn 't lose a ton of weight , didn 't have a clearer head , still have the pesky pimples , and didn 't feel any damn better . I 'm sure that inside things were chugging along at a better pace , but I had nothing to hold on to as my flag - I feel so much more energetic ! I am svelte ! No more pizza face ! Ahem , no . And it 's funny because there is absolutely no sympathy for the adult candy - addict . I 've often said that if I were addicted to heroin I 'd get more sympathy - would you wave a dirty syringe in front of a recovering heroin addict ? Probably not , but I 've had many people not only wave chocolate bars in front of me , but eat them slowly , lovingly , and completely while I watched . Not to mention that my drug of choice was readily available , socially acceptable , and completely affordable even during my weakPosted by I picked up Klaus ' remains on Monday afternoon . I have only now been able to write about it . Until that moment I felt that Klaus could still pop up on the table , could still somehow still be around . Even though I know that wasn 't possible , it was still possible . Now that he has been cremated it is absolutely not possible and that just makes me hurt all over . I expected that day to be surreal , and I was not disappointed . A shopping bag awaited me with Klaus ' name attached to the outside . I stood in the foyer of the funeral home holding my bag from the bottom and not the handles - it was a lot heavier than I thought it would be . Of course I was afraid that the bag handles would break , sending the cardboard box of cremains ( whatta word ) crashing to the ground , not with a thud but with a whoosh that sent a tornado of Klaus everywhere . So I held it from the bottom , not taking any chances on any mischief from beyond . Yes , they remembered to remove his nipple rings and return those to me . Yes , everything was handled perfectly and exactly as specified . I have all of my paperwork save the death certificate which was not ready yet . That 's for another trip , I suppose . But yet as I stood there holding the box all I could think of to do ( other than not drop it ) was to rub the box as if to comfort him . I walked outside toward my car in the rain and covered the box so Klaus wouldn 't get wet . I placed him on the passenger seat and buckled the seatbelt around the bag so it wouldn 't fly around . Safety first ! And then I had things to do . On top of all that I am dealing with , I have to move . The house we live in is very large , and very far away from where I work . It feels very , very cold and quiet without Klaus . So I have been scouring Craigslist and visiting apartment buildings all over town , sometimes with Bogart ( sunny days ) sometimes without ( hello snow ) . When I reached my first destination I had a dilemma - I did not want to keep Klaus on the front seat while I was inside for fear that someone might think he was something to steal , Posted by " Strangers " has never seemed like such a foreign concept as it has these past few weeks . The way that my mailbox , emailbox , and front door are overflowing is really overwhelming with wishes from hundreds of people that I " technically " do not know and who " technically " do not know me . One of these days I promise to thank each and every one of you personally , when I have my wits about me again . I am overdue in posting photos of the wonderful things I have received , mostly because crying and Photoshop don 't mix . My few attempts have been pretty darned pathetic . Rest assured that everything that has been sent is sitting on my kitchen table ( where I spend the majority of my time when I am in the house ) so I can see it all the time - flowers , Bogart 's painting , the needle - felted mini - Bogart , the book of well - wishes from all over the world that arrived from Australia , a tiki necklace from New Zealand , and more . And cards - so many cards . Last night I got a surprise in the form of a visit from Charlie 's moms - it seems that people are concerned about my not eating . LOTS of people . In fact it 's probably the most - mentioned thing in the comments and emails these days . I am good at a lot of things - just not cooking , apparently . I got to meet Charlie - what a fine , handsome looker he is ! - and Charlie 's moms got to meet Bogart . And they brought me a cooler full of amazing vegetarian food . I was a little bit in shock - ok , I was in the bathtub just before they arrived - but still kind of wandered around the front yard in a bit of a daze . Ladies , the food is AMAZING , and yes I put it into the refrigerator right away . Yes I had some last night , as well as this morning . I will post photo proof of me eating as promised ! I know that so many times when I talk to people about Bogart 's blog in the past , I have gotten an odd reaction , a sort of " you do what ? " or " people actually write AS their dogs ? " kind of thing . Sometimes I 've found it was easier to just go along with it , downplaying the blog 's importance in my life , or just saying soPosted by Klaus is being cremated . Right now . I woke up with a start at 6 : 30 this morning , as he was scheduled to begin that process . Bogart and I went for a walk where we all always have - Powell Butte - and I think he was surprised that I got out of bed so quickly , with only one jump onto my chest and full face - lick . There are so many things going through my head . So many thoughts , so many regrets . So many messages coming in from all over the world expressing love , offering stories and overwhelming grief . I cannot say if they make me feel better or worse , actually I can 't say that I feel much at all . Even in my own grief I am so numb , so thinking that Klaus is going to walk in the door or that he is just in the living room watching TV . I am the world 's worst cook . Klaus is an amazing cook . I was never allowed into the kitchen , save for the few times I would enter to make myself some iced tea . Last night I was wandering around the house for about an hour , wondering how some food might magically appear on my plate and be delicious . This hasn 't been too much of an issue lately as eating was not high on my list of priorities . But crying seems to burn a lot of calories so I must find a way to replace those , and in a yummy kind of way . I spent 12 days in the ICU with Klaus . When I returned , one of the things that greeted me were a refrigerator full of spoiled food . Yes , 12 days can do a lot of damage . For several days I could not bear to even open the refrigerator , much less begin the excavation . And of course on the first day that I put on my miner 's hat and got my shovel , I discovered that I did not have any garbage bags . Damn . Damn . Damn . So there isn 't much left . And most of what is here is what I have always referred to as " ingredients " - things that are not a meal on their own , but must be combined in some magical way to make delicious food . Klaus knew the combination , I alas , do not . But lo and behold , there was one thing in the freezer that I felt like I might be capable of preparing - a frozen pizza . Nature 's perfect foodPosted by First things first - big , giant thank you 's to everyone in the dog , cat , hamster , and oh everything else blogospheres for all of your love and support in the last few days . Yes , I am a basket case . There are so many things to do , and so many emotions getting in the way . In the midst of my very worst moments , there are occasional glimpses of absurdity that force me to laugh when all I want to do is cry . Today I had one of those moments . Klaus was taken to the funeral home on Monday evening . That is a story unto itself . There is no guide really to choosing a funeral home . After Klaus had passed away in my arms on Sunday morning , I felt completely adrift . What exactly do you do at that moment ? The show is over , the curtain has come down , and the stagehands want to start cleaning up so they can move on to the next gig . And you are standing there , sad , lonely , and completely confused . I looked around the room that had been my home for 2 weeks and gathered my things . The bag of Klaus ' clothing that he was wearing on that awful morning he was admitted to the hospital . The remainders of the food that had been brought for me that was mostly uneaten . My own handbag , now bursting with everything I had needed ( and much I did not ) . It all seemed surreal . I asked the nurses to give the remaining balloons to someone else in the ICU who might enjoy them ( yes they looked a tiny bit sad as the helium no longer kept them at full mast , but they might make someone smile and I would have looked truly pathetic walking out of the hospital with them ) . And then what ? I stood outside of Klaus ' room and just waited . A chaplain materialized out of nowhere ( they did this a lot ) and handed me my " grief packet " . So . . . I leave behind the love of my life and in exchange I get a bag of stinky clothing and a grief packet . Damn . The nagging question of " exactly what do I do now " never really gets answered . Call a funeral home . Um , ok . Can you guide me in that choice ? Um , no . Can you at least tell me some place that doesn 't bury people in the backyard aPosted by My name is Bogart Handsome Devil , your hostest with the mostest ! I 'm an opinionated male Airedale Terrier . Sometimes known as the Crocodale , others know me as The Bogelmeister , Bogovatch , Bogaroni , Count Bogula , Funkmaster B , Boginski , and of course my favorite - Little Bastard .

Bernard great up knowing want and learned very early to be frugal , yet still found ways to enjoy life . The week was often spent doing chores to earn enough money to splurge on the weekends on penny candy and a nickel for a movie . Times were not easy , but Bernard always spoke how he and his family had it pretty well - off in comparison to other families . Like most young men , Bernard had a great desire to serve his country . Directly after graduating high school in 1943 , he enlisted and was placed in the United States Army Air Corps . After completing his training , Bernard became a Staff Sergeant of the 328th Squadron in the 93rd Bombardment Group ( H ) A . A . F . Serving as a tail gunner on a B - 24 Liberator , Bernard and his nine other crew members completed 35 bombing missions over Belgium and Germany . Several of Bernard 's favorite plane , the P - 51 Mustang , accompanied them on every mission and as he would often say , " They kept us alive . " In the mid 1970s , Bernard met and fell in love with Bonnie da Silva , a Brazilian immigrant to the United States . They were married in 1978 and Bernard treated Bonnie 's sons , Joseph , Edward , and Robert as his own . Bernard and Bonnie never had children together . Sadly , Bernard and Bonnie divorced in the 90 's and Bonnie would return to Brazil permanently . Bernard would eventually move in Vania , her husband Luis , and two daughters , Juliana and Vanessa . They affectionately called him " Dad , " and for the girls , Bernard was like a grandfather figure . A bittersweet day . Today was my last full day in London and while I will miss this amazing city , I am looking forward to being back with my family , friends , and co - workers ( yes , I do actually miss my co - workers ) . Despite wanting to catch some last minute sights before leaving tomorrow , I still had a bit of a late start to my day . But once I got going , I didn 't stop until now to write this blog . The Barbican Centre was established in 1982 by HM Queen Elizabeth to support and promote the arts of all mediums and also provide a space for conferences and meetings . The entire building feels very eclectic , from public art works in large spaces to a hidden conservatory ( like a greenhouse ) in the center of the complex . I spent over an hour going from floor to floor , exploring all this building had to offer . There were a lot of students in the cafe and lounge areas , because the Barbican works closely with ( it seems ) the Guildhall School of Music and Drama . I didn 't get to explore the school , but it seems that this is yet another of the top performing arts schools in London . This city is so wonderful for the arts ! For a change of pace , I hopped onto the tube and headed to one of the most famous addresses in history - 221B Baker Street . The Sherlock Holmes Museum is an interesting combination of fascinating and disturbing . Even though Holmes was never a real person , one could be made to believe that he did exist from the way this many leveled house was set up . Period appropriate decorations and doodads that were mentioned in the books of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle such as Sherlock 's violin , Watson 's writing table , and , of course , the hats . There were some people in period costume as well who helped encourage the atmosphere of the home / museum . What made it disturbing , at least for me , were all the life - size figures of Holmes , Watson , Moriarty , and several other characters from various books . I don 't like dolls , or anything that resembles humans too closely but aren 't actually alive . Something about them creeps me out , and being in a house full of them was rather challenging . However , I was able to set my " fear " aside and still enjoy being in the " very place where Sherlock Holmes lived . " Speaking of , is anyone out there a fan of the BBC rendition with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman ? I missed seeing the first episode of the fourth season on New Year 's Day , so please don 't tell me anything . I 'm looking forward to seeing that soon . After inspecting the home of the sleuth , I hopped on the tube once again to head to the Tate Britain Museum , a museum that features British artists from across time . A new acquaitance I had made during my visit here suggested that I go to see a painting called Hope by George Frederic Watts because of how emotional and touching it was . It truly was an amazing painting to behold . The blindfolded figure clinging to a lyre that only has one single golden strand remaining . It is dark and sad , yet does inspire hope - there is still another chance . Very inspirational . I loved it so much a bought a postcard with it . There were many other wonderful and famous paintings in the museum which I will show below . Finally , as my last wish for my stay in London , I actually treated my AirBnb host , Pandora , to dinner . She has been such an amazing host . Lovely , through and through . We didn 't always get a chance to talk because our schedules didn 't always match , but it was so nice to get to just sit and chat with her tonight about all sorts of things . I hope that from my time staying here , she can consider me more than just a guest , but now a new friend . I have made so many new friends and acquatainces during my time here in London . People met through current connections and others just via happenstance , I truly believe God was at work and will continue to work in my life . Coming to London had been impromptu , but it turned out to be an amazing blessing . Thanks , London , for being so wonderful . Here 's to the next time we shall meet . - Wandering Minstrelette For those of you have been following my blog , you know that over the last couple of summers I have traveled for internships to fulfill the requirements of my Masters in Arts Management from George Mason University in Virginia . My focus during my time at Mason was on international arts management , as I hope to one day move out of the United States and work in the arts or cultural realm abroad . England is a good place to start , I think , for someone who is interested in arts policy and fundraising because , despite still being quite different from the US , the UK has the closest related system that wouldn 't be such a stretch to learn and adapt to . That being said , I had hoped to visit several performing arts organizations during this trip and have a chat with some of the administration just to get a feel for what it might be like to work in the UK , and in London specifically . As you know from my previous posts , it didn 't really happen . But today I was able to visits several different arts and cultural organizations that have solidified even more my desire to someday move to and work in Europe . The first stop today was at the Royal Academy of the Dramatic Arts . It 's been a dream of mine to visit this amazing school that had produced some of the finest actors Britain had ever known , as well as top - level theatre technicians and set / costume designers . Sadly , my friend Jeniffer and I were not allowed to visit any classrooms , but we did get a chance to speak to a woman who works at the cafe which is open to the public . She was able to tell us a lot about how the school functions and what it takes to be a student at RADA . We would have loved to see a performance , but the school had just opened again from winter break , so there was no chance of that happening . Guess I 'll just have to come back sometime . We then returned to the British Museum . The forty - five minutes there the other day was simply not enough to fully grasp the amazing amount of knowledge and artifacts available in these halls . Jeniffer and I walked through ancient Egypt , ancient Greece , ancient Rome , medieval Europe , and the empire of the Mayans . There were some famous pieces like the Rosetta Stone , the Lewis Chess Pieces , and the double - headed turquoise serpent . Tons of lesser known , but no less important , pieces grabbed our attention and filled us with wonder and interest . We could have easily spent another couples of hours than we did in the British Museum because we didn 't see anything from the Middle East , Asia , or Africa . Such an amazing museum ! Once we left the British Museum , we headed across town by Tube for the Victoria and Albert Museum . This is a world - famous museum , yet none of the exhibits really caught my fancy . That is to say , except one in the history of underwear . It was a special exhibit , however , requiring a tickets and I was already spending so much money today that I thought it would be best not to go . There were some pretty things - mostly clothing and instruments from the 19th century . But soon we decided to move on to something a little more interesting . That something happened to be right nearby . Royal Albert Hall is a fantastic performance venue that presents all sorts of acts . The big show they are currently advertising is an act from Cirque du Solei called Ama Luna . We didn 't get to go inside and explore , but it was cool to be able to see the venue again and be reminded of good memories from the NEYE 2009 tour . One thing I don 't remember doing the last time I was here was walking around the back of the Hall and seeing the monument to Queen Elizabeth as well as the Royal College of Music . While we still were not able to explore classrooms and the like , Jeniffer and I were able to see a lot more of the building than we did at RADA . There was gorgeous marble everywhere and mosaic - tiled floors . No performances were taking place , but it sounded like a rehearsal of an opera or something was taking place in the hall . As if all that wasn 't enough , the final touch was to see a performance of Wicked at the Apollo Victoria Theatre . Wow . Just wow . I was completely blown away by the sets , the costumes , the lights , the orchestra , the actors , and of course , the music . No spoiler warnings , but I will say that it definitely helps to be familiar with the Wizard of Oz story , either from the original book or the 1939 film , in order to catch or understand all the references in this phenomenal musical . It was a treat for me ( so much cheaper to see it here than on Broadway ) , but it was an extra special treat for Jeniffer because she had never been toIt truly has been a wonderful day , my second to last in London . I have yet to see what my final day will be filled with , but I 'll be sure to share tomorrow . - Wandering Minstrelette PS - I hope you 've been enjoying the pictures I 've been sharing . They were all taken from my iPhone 7 . Apollo Victoria TheatreartsBritish MuseumCultureEnglandLondonmusicmusicalRoyal Academy of the Dramatic ArtsRoyal Albert HallRoyal College of MusictheatreUKVictoria and Albert MuseumWicked There were so many people interested in this particular trip , that we were actually divided into two groups . I ended up on the bus with Alton , the bus driver , and Eddie , the guide . They both proved to be absolutely wonderful people and made our day trip everything we could have asked it to be . Our first stop for the day was in Windsor Castle . It wasn 't until we arrived at the foot of the castle that I remembered that I had actually been here before with the New England Youth Ensemble when I was in college . Memories flooded back , but I also had the chance to experience tons of things for the first time . Sadly , as was the case with the Parliament building and Westminster Abbey , pictures were not allowed to be taken in many parts of the castle . But while I cannot show them to you , what I can saw is that this one of five homes of the current queen is utterly exquisite and ornate . Nothing was left unthought of when it came to materials used and decorations displayed . Enormous paintings covered the ceilings of several rooms , featuring individuals who had lived in the castle among the gods . The armory was breath - taking and the hall where royal dinners are often held was quite long . Apparently they have a single table that stretches across the whole expanse ! There was a special exhibit to honor the Queen 's 90th birthday that featured her outfits from across the decades . Riding costumes to theatrical garb to estate dinner gowns . Everything was so beautiful , but one thing I noticed was the height . The Queen does not seem to be , by the looks of her clothes , very tall at all . To me , that makes her all the more charming . I exited the exhibit just in time to catch some of the changing of the guard ceremony . Not quite as elaborate as that at Buckingham , and certainly not as crowded , but still quite fun to watch . The musicians accompanying the ceremony were a fife and drum corp , and the fife players were struggling a bit with playing in tune . It was entertaining , but I also felt I could sympathize with them since I play piccolo and know that the cold weather makes it difficult to stay in tune . Let 's be honest , the piccolo is just hard to keep in tune regardless . Just before we had to leave , I ducked into St . George 's Chapel , one of the oldest parts of the castle . It was ornate to the highest degree and also a fully functioning church . I wonder if it is open to the public every weekend and what exactly happens when the Queen is residing there . Our second stop was to something that had been on my list for a long time now - Stonehenge ! These ancient rocks , despite all the archaeology and study that has been done on them , still maintain an air of mystery and wonder . Visitors are dropped off in the parking lots and then must go through the visitor center before taking the mini - bus up to the path that leads to the rocks . There was also an option to walk a trail to the rocks . It was only a little over a mile , and I would have done it , but the cold was just too nippy . The mini - bus leaves visitors just within view of the stones , but as you walk closer , you can feel the whole aura of this ancient place . In fact , I made myself stop for just a moment . No pictures , bracing the cold , and took in the atmosphere . Sometimes I 'm too " trigger happy " with my camera and forget to be present in the moment . Let me tell you , this was a moment to be present in . There are varying theories as to what the stones represent and how they were brought to the Salisbury plains . What is known is that the structure could be as old 5 , 000 years and that on the summer and winter solsitices , the structure is perfectly aligned with the early morning sun . It is believed that the Beaker people , named for the unique type of pottery they used and the builders of Stonehenge , could also use the formation to predict eclipses . Around Stonehenge were various ditches and mounds . The ditches helped outline the perimeter of the ancient memorial , placed there by ancient peoples for purposes not entirely clear today . The mounds are actually burial grounds , where the wealthy and influential Beakers were buried and prepared for the after life . There were also lots of birds that inhabited the rocks and the plain surrounding . Jackdaws and rooks were abundant and some of the rooks even were brave enough to land on a couple of the memorial 's wardens . I tried to convince one to come sit on my hand with peanuts , with the consent of the warden , but no luck . Our final destination of the tour was city of Bath , once an opulent city when Britain had a powerful Roman presence that fell into disarray wAfter a quick glance through the gift shop ( there always seems to be a gift shop , huh ? ) , we were back in the bus for a two hour ride back to central London . I have been on several tours , day trips and otherwise , and I can honestly say that this is one of the best I have been on . The timing of our visits and the travel in between were perfectly calculated to allow us to see all we could want , have us leave wanting more , and still never feel rushed . Eddie , our tour guide , was pleasant , funny , and approachable , making our time together enjoyable . If I had the time , I would book another tour that they have down to Kent and Dover , but I believe I will have to wait until I return to the British Isles for that trip . I highly recommend Golden Tours for your visit to London , and no , I was not asked or paid to say this . I really just liked it that much . Hard to believe I only have two days left before I return home ! I 'll be sure to press in as much as possible within the next two days - and then share all about it ! Look out for my next blog post . - Wandering Minstrelette There are so many wonderful things to see in London , it 's sometimes hard to know what to do . So I was thankful when potential plans to go out of the city fell through , because it meant I was able to see a few more things I had on my list . One thing I had always wanted to see was the changing of the guard ceremony at Buckingham Palace . Online I had discovered that the Band of the Scots Guard was going to be participating in the ceremony today , so I knew I had to go . My new friend Jeniffer , whom I had met last week , joined me in the massive group of people craning to see anything of the time - seasoned tradition within and near the gated palace courtyard . The soldiers were wearing their winter gray coats instead of their brilliant red uniforms , but the bear hats seemed fluffier somehow from when I had come last time ( which had been summer ) . There were no bagpipes in the band , as I had been hoping , but the members of the ensemble were without a doubt amazing musicians and I enjoyed everything they performed . It was kind of cute that some of the instruments , brass mostly , had little leather jackets . I 'm wondering if it was to keep the instrument warm or help the player hold it while marching . Probably the latter . As I had mentioned before , there were tons of people present to see the ceremony meaning not everyone really had a good view . Jeniffer , myself , and some others nearby started watching everything from some other guy 's phone screen , since he was filming with a selfie stick and was able to stick it through the fence to get a better angle . Maybe seeing something like this on TV would have allowed us to have better views , but I actually really enjoyed the experience of being out there and feeling the atmosphere of tradition and pomp . Once the ceremony was over , we met another friend , Barbara , by the National Gallery and took a bus to Tower Bridge . The setting sun shone perfectly for pictures of the bridge and the nearby buildings . Eventually Jeniffer had to split , but Barbara and I continued our adventure by I had been told many stories about this place , so I had to experience it for myself . Gracious , it was overwhelming . Six floors , plus a ground and basement level , with literally anything you could ever think of . Furniture , books , technology , toys , jewelry , perfume , wine , top - of - the - line ( sometimes exotic ) groceries , and of course , lots and lots of clothes . Each area was decorated to create a certain mood that aligned with the products . I mean , highly decorated . I can 't imagine how long and how many people it must have taken to put this whole thing together . One special moment in the store , though , was coming across a memorial statue and fountain to Princess Diana and her lover , Dodi Al Fayed , that supports underserved children in the community that the princess was originally from . It was touching and very human . There was even a condolences book that people could sign . It 's amazing how much Princess Diana is still missed after all these years . Wandering through the halls on nearly every floor , I observed the types of things sold and the prices they were marked at . You did not come to Harrods to find something cheap . Even things on sale were pretty far out of my price range , including the groceries section . It truly is a place of wealth and extravagance . Literally , there is a restaurant dedicated to all things truffles . By that alone , I think you get my point . It was only after meandering on most of the floors , that I decided it was finally time to end my day and head home . Besides , tomorrow is going to be very exciting and I want to be well rested ! This was the second time I spent New Year 's Eve outside of the US , and one of the few times ( maybe even the only one ) that I chose to spend outside in the cold . I can probably now say that I 've had my fair share of New Year 's celebrations , but am still glad I did it . After a lovely church service Sabbath morning at the Hampstead SDA Church , I was invited to stay for lunch where I met a Brazilian young man named Davi , who is in England to study English . He decided to join Bruno , myself , and some others in trying to see the fireworks . Bruno had gone to a different church , so we would have to meet up in the city . Figuring we had a good amount of time , Davi and I first explored Camden after lunch before heading in the city center . We found quite a lot of interesting things , too . There were several markets where you could buy just about anything you could ever want . I might have to go back before I leave . We finally got into the city to meet up with Bruno and his squad , but we 're having trouble getting to Waterloo Bridge , our pre - selected meeting place . I don 't know when this began , but this year the viewing of the fireworks was ticketed . I almost bought tickets , but missed out back when the second round was released in December . Tickets allowed you to stand in designated spots along the river to get the best views of the fireworks . Well , apparently it was for any view of the fireworks . Davi and I eventually found Bruno and squad and together we searched for a place to stand that didn 't require a ticket and we hoped would give us a decent view . We finally hunkered down in a spot of Trafalgar Square with a pretty decent view of Big Ben . For about three hours we sat and chatted and had fun , but when it cam time for the fireworks to start , all of us in the Square ( there were hundreds ) were sorely disappointed . All the fireworks were happening by the London Eye , nothing was by Big Ben . We adjusted our position a little and could see some of the fireworks above some buildings , but not at all what we were hoping - Wandering Minstrelette Short post today . London fog has finally made an appearance . It kind of set the mood for the day as soon as I walked out the door . Newbold College is located in Bracknell , about an hour out of London . My journey took much longer than it should have because of uncertainties and second guessing . A whole other hour was frustratingly added to my trip , meaning I wasn 't going to be able to participate in something I was hoping to do , but what matters is I made it . Pr . Vili , who I met last night , picked me up from the station and took me to the campus . The fog made it difficult to truly wander and take pictures , so I hung around the church while he packed up a video camera and other equipment he had been using . The afternoon was relaxed and honestly kind of slow . I don 't know what I was expecting , but I guess it was nice to have a change of pace . I was definitely given a glimpse of life in England outside the ever rushing London heartbeat . Quaint homes in small villages , big Walmart like one - stop - shops , people knowing all the other people in the stores . It was pleasant and refreshing . I wish they had this in the States ! The way back was probably what made my evening though . Two adorable little girls , aged 4 and 7 , sat by me in the train and took a liking to me . The chatted with me , with smiling parents looking on , the entire way back to Waterloo Station . Earlier in the day , I was kind of feeling like today was a bit of a loss . There are so many other things I could have done . But then a phrase one of my teachers in college loved to say came to mind , " Not every measure has to be a masterpiece . " Every moment of every day doesn 't have to be grand and amazing . It would be more tiring and less special if they were . So , I am thankful for today , and for the fact that I was able to come home early to enjoy the beginning of Sabbath and rest . And tomorrow is New Year 's Eve ! I hope to have some good stories to share with you . A good friend of mine told me that a friend of his that he had met while studying abroad was going to be in London the same time as me and decided to connect us . Today I met Bruno , along with Barbara and Jennifer , for an amazing whirlwind of a day . We met at the National Gallery and got to know one another a bit as walked through the exhibits . There were fantastic paintings from well - know and not so well - known artists . Probably my favorites were Paolo Veronese 's " The Adoration of the Kings , " and Vincent van Gogh 's " Sunflowers . " After seeing what we wanted at the Gallery , we decided to head towards the British Museum . Except … I lead us in the wrong direction , and with plans later in the day , we wouldn 't have had the time to do everything we wanted . Thankfully , we ended seeing things that some had not had a chance to see yet . We crossed the Waterloo Bridge and then around to the Eye , back across on the Westminster Bridge up into Leicester Square . It reminded me very much of New York City , with all the lights and enormous stores , including four stories of M & Ms ! Such a ridiculous amount of chocolate . Our group began to dwindle a bit as we began a walking tour . Not even 10 minutes into the tour , the three of us left decided we would rather spend our time doing other things . So we headed to Piccadilly Circus . What a gorgeous , expensive , and very busy area of London ! If I thought Leicester Square was like New York City , Piccadilly Circus was even more so . The tight , constantly shifting crowd , the bright lights ( including Europe 's largest LED screen , smaller only than the one in Times Square ) , and the shopping were all so reminiscent of the Big Apple . It 's this kind of thing that I don 't mind experiencing once in a while , but also makes me never want to live in a large city . There is simply too much going on all the time , and I know I need to relax my senses once in a while . After helping another of our friends get home , Bruno and I were left together to meet with Pr . Vili , the director for media ministry of the Southern England Conference and a pastor at Newbold College . Pr . Vili absolutely spoiled us by taking us to the largest mall in Europe , a Westfield , no less , for dinner . The shopping center was stunning and the food was fantastic . After spending some time together getting to know each other , Pr . Vili left for home and Bruno and I were left to wander the halls of the mall . A macaw made from tiny Havaiana flip - flops ! We popped into some stores and watched people skate in the indoor ice rink , but probably the most memorable moment was at the Sky TV kiosk . They have a machine that showed some well - known characters from children 's films ( all of which I know , of course ) in different poses that you had to match . It was too adorable not to try , and they had pictures from Zootopia ( known as Zootropolis here ) , so I had to do it . On my first round , I had 100 % success at matching the poses and the salespeople running the kiosk were so impressed that they decided to buy Bruno and I tea . We were so taken aback , but completely appreciative . We ended up hanging out at the kiosk for several minutes just chatting and left feeling like we had made new friends . What a blessing ! Getting home late several nights in a row is starting to get to me , but I am just so thankful for all the wonderful things God has blessed me with and used me to be a blessing to others . I pray that the rest of my time here in London will continue to be the same . - Wandering Minstrelette I didn 't walk quite as much today as I did yesterday . Mostly , it was because two of the attractions I went to involved standing in line and the third was all sitting . With a rather late start to the day , I decided to pick a point and explore around it . I had mentioned in an Instagram post that I was planning on getting closer to Big Ben today and I very well succeeded . The clock tower was looming over pedestrians right at the exit of Westminster Underground Station . As the Parliament building was right there , I thought I would visit . It wasn 't something I had done before and was hoping maybe to get closer or even inside Big Ben . However , admission only allows so many entrants every 20 minutes and since I had come by lunch time , a good portion of the day was already full . The next available entrance time was three hours or so later . I took it anyways , figuring I could fill my time with something else nearby . And of course , right next to the Parliament Building is Westminster Abbey . I can 't remember whether I went into the Abbey last time I was in London . Since no pictures are allowed inside the space , I have nothing to reference . We must have gone in , but I thought it was worth to go just in case . The Abbey is an interesting place . The hall for worship is beautiful and the sections where the choir sings , coronations take place , and the most recent royal wedding happened are exquisite . The rest is an interesting mixture of tombs , memorials , and out of the way rooms for prayer . Some of the most interesting for me were G . F . Handel , David Livingstone , Sir Issac Newton , Henry Purcell , Charles Dickens , all three Brontë sisters , Shakespeare , and sister queens Elizabeth and Mary . There were many musicians , literary artists , politicians , and of course , members of the royal family from across ( literally ) centuries were represented there . Westminster is an active church , holding services every Sunday and holding moments of prayer every hour throughout the week . How interesting it must be to attend a church with so muTo be in charge of music ( official title being Organist and Master of Choristers ) or even to be a member of the Abbey choir must be such an amazing honor and a heavy burden , knowing the great standard of musicianship that is expected . In case anyone is interested , there is an annual apprenticeship position in the Abbey to work along the official Organist and Master of Choristers and their two assistants . There are also other vacancies In case anyone is looking for something new and interesting to do . Taken with my iPhone 7 , thank you very much . Now this building I know I had never been in before , and I 'm so glad I chose to spend the couple of hours walking through and listening to the audio tour to learn more about how the United Kingdom 's government developed and functioned . Part of the tour included visiting the rooms where the House of Lords and the House of Commons function and debate . Everything in the hall for the Lords was red and for the Commons green . Made for some interesting items in the shop afterwards . There was a story shared about the position known as the Black Rod ( House of Lords ) , which is like the Sergeant - at - Arms for the House of Commons . Back in 1642 , someone from the House of Lords wanted to arrest five members from the House of Commons , but the members of the latter house refused to let it happen . Since then , there has been an annual ceremony of the Black Rod coming to the House of Commons to summon the MP 's to the State Opening Speeh of Parliament , but the door gets slammed in his face . This is supposed to represent the autonomy of power that the House of Commons has from the House of Lords . The Black Rod then has to knock on the door three times with his staff before he is attended to and finally can make the proper summons . It 's an interesting display of tradition and ceremony that I would like to discuss further , but not at this time . The Parliament Building overall is very grand and majestic . Sadly , we weren 't allowed nearer or inside Big Ben . I also don 't have too many pictures to share because like the Westminster Abbey , photos were allowed throughout most of the building . Westminster Hall - at the time it was completed , it was the largest hall of it 's kind in Europe . It 's ceiling / beams are very special and unique . Grabbing a hot tea in the cafe before leaving the Parliament Building , I was able to ask one of the staff what I should do with my evening ( that didn 't involve drinking - he found that amusing ) . After thinking a bit , he suggested I go up to Leicester Square where I could find some cinemas that screened a wide variety of blockbuster , independent , and vintage films . I made my way to the square and passed by yet another throwback to memories from 2009 - Trafalgar Square , the Lord Nelson column , the National Gallery , and the Academy of St . Martin - in - the - Fields . Maybe I 'll be able to go back there tomorrow for a proper visit ! After walking another 10 minutes or so , I finally reached Leicester Square and started looking for the cinemas . Kind of hard when they are not clearly marked on maps and you don 't have cell service … But as I wandered around trying to find them , I noticed posters for different theatre productions . Then I realized the street name on one of the posters was the same as the street I was on and it hit me - I was in the West End ! Forget the cinema , I instantly decided I was going to see a musical . I had to make a decision fast - performance started in roughly 45 minutes and there were so many to choose from ! I wanted something that wasn 't going to be easy to find in Broadway or the Kennedy Center and that had a distinct British flavor to it . All that in more was in the delightful show , " Half a Sixpence . " For £ 25 , I had an amazing seat in the Noël Coward Theater to a show I knew nothing about and ended up thourougly enjoying . Sweet , heartwarming , and filled with fun songs and breataking choreography ( especially from the lead actor ) , I could not have picked a better show to be my first experience on the West End . If you are , or will be , in London in the near future , absolutely come see " Half a Sixpence . " I hope in my time here I will be able to see some other performances , including something in the Globe and at the Royal Albert Hall . If I plan things right , I might be able to even meet with some of the administration of these organizations . Making connections is always a good thing . It was a bit hard to get out of bed this morning , the warmth of the electric blanket just kept making me doze off . I should buy one for myself at home . But I was excited to spend my first full day in the city , and felt doubly blessed that I was able to spend the day with my friend Brianna , who happened to be in the area visiting family for the holidays . The day started with one of the things I had been dying to do since I came in 2009 - ride the London Eye . Let me tell you , it is so not worth buying a ticket and then waiting in line for a printed version . Being one of the most popular attractions in town , it really makes sense to ask for the ticket to be electronic to just get into the queue for the Eye itself . Thankfully , I thought to take a screen shot , because not having constant service or wifi can make downloading things online rather difficult . The view was wonderful . The late morning sun shone a golden touch across the Thames and the buildings , including the iconic Big Ben , stood proudly in its light . Thankfully , the wheel turns slow enough that everyone in the glass enclosed pod can walk around and have a 360 degree view of the city with fighting for window space to snap a photo . I 'm so glad to now be able to tick that off my bucket list . Lunch was spent in Box Park at East Croyden where I had the chance to meet with Richard Daly , director of Hope Channel UK . What a pleasant gentleman with a true heart for ministry through media ! It a pleasure to hear about his plans for the channel and its programming here in the UK and discuss ideas of how to make it happen . I pray that the Lord will bless his efforts and those of his team as the move forward in this amazing and important project . Box Park is like a covered , but open air food court with all sorts of delicious options . They even had heat lamps to keep the cold away ! Very cool find ! By the time Brianna and I were back on the train to Central London , the sun was already setting . But 4pm was simply too early to call things a day , so we decided to continue our adventure . And what an adventure we had ! We passed well known and lesser known landmarks of London . We , of course , had to stop by Buckingham Palace , where I attempted to recreate a photo from when I had come before . My friend Michael and I in 2009 Then we came across two war memorials . The first was fairly new , unveiled in 2012 at HM the Queen 's Diamond Jubilee to honor the British and other Allies bombers who served during World War II . The detail in the statues was simply remarkable - they almost looked alive ! This memorial touched me because my uncle served as a tail gunner in a bomber during WWII . I 'll have to be sure to show this picture to him once I return to the States . The second was for those who had served and died in World War 1 , and had become a place to honor British soldiers across the years who had lost their lives serving their country . It became especially sobering when we came across a wreath laid on the steps of the memorial for a Tom Sawyer . His young face in the photo made it all the more poignant . War is so awful … I truly have never seen a fair of such enormous proportions . There were lights everywhere , with more food and rides than anyone could ever know what to do with . There were sections of this pop - up theme park : Santa Land , Bavarian Village , Ice Mountain , etc . Everything was so absolutely extra , it was nearly overwhelming . Brianna and I decided simply to walk around and take in the sights ( as there were so many to take in ) , stopping periodically to eat or take a closer look at the craft stands . We got into the park at 5pm and didn 't exit until nearly 8 : 30pm . And we might still have not seen everything , although I 'm pretty sure we saw a good 98 percent or something . We would have stayed longer , but by 8 : 30pm , the cold was starting to settle in , encouraging us to say that now was a good time to call it a night . Truly a fun and blessing - filled day . I can 't wait to see what 's in store for tomorrow !

Bernard great up knowing want and learned very early to be frugal , yet still found ways to enjoy life . The week was often spent doing chores to earn enough money to splurge on the weekends on penny candy and a nickel for a movie . Times were not easy , but Bernard always spoke how he and his family had it pretty well - off in comparison to other families . Like most young men , Bernard had a great desire to serve his country . Directly after graduating high school in 1943 , he enlisted and was placed in the United States Army Air Corps . After completing his training , Bernard became a Staff Sergeant of the 328th Squadron in the 93rd Bombardment Group ( H ) A . A . F . Serving as a tail gunner on a B - 24 Liberator , Bernard and his nine other crew members completed 35 bombing missions over Belgium and Germany . Several of Bernard 's favorite plane , the P - 51 Mustang , accompanied them on every mission and as he would often say , " They kept us alive . " In the mid 1970s , Bernard met and fell in love with Bonnie da Silva , a Brazilian immigrant to the United States . They were married in 1978 and Bernard treated Bonnie 's sons , Joseph , Edward , and Robert as his own . Bernard and Bonnie never had children together . Sadly , Bernard and Bonnie divorced in the 90 's and Bonnie would return to Brazil permanently . Bernard would eventually move in Vania , her husband Luis , and two daughters , Juliana and Vanessa . They affectionately called him " Dad , " and for the girls , Bernard was like a grandfather figure . A bittersweet day . Today was my last full day in London and while I will miss this amazing city , I am looking forward to being back with my family , friends , and co - workers ( yes , I do actually miss my co - workers ) . Despite wanting to catch some last minute sights before leaving tomorrow , I still had a bit of a late start to my day . But once I got going , I didn 't stop until now to write this blog . The Barbican Centre was established in 1982 by HM Queen Elizabeth to support and promote the arts of all mediums and also provide a space for conferences and meetings . The entire building feels very eclectic , from public art works in large spaces to a hidden conservatory ( like a greenhouse ) in the center of the complex . I spent over an hour going from floor to floor , exploring all this building had to offer . There were a lot of students in the cafe and lounge areas , because the Barbican works closely with ( it seems ) the Guildhall School of Music and Drama . I didn 't get to explore the school , but it seems that this is yet another of the top performing arts schools in London . This city is so wonderful for the arts ! For a change of pace , I hopped onto the tube and headed to one of the most famous addresses in history - 221B Baker Street . The Sherlock Holmes Museum is an interesting combination of fascinating and disturbing . Even though Holmes was never a real person , one could be made to believe that he did exist from the way this many leveled house was set up . Period appropriate decorations and doodads that were mentioned in the books of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle such as Sherlock 's violin , Watson 's writing table , and , of course , the hats . There were some people in period costume as well who helped encourage the atmosphere of the home / museum . What made it disturbing , at least for me , were all the life - size figures of Holmes , Watson , Moriarty , and several other characters from various books . I don 't like dolls , or anything that resembles humans too closely but aren 't actually alive . Something about them creeps me out , and being in a house full of them was rather challenging . However , I was able to set my " fear " aside and still enjoy being in the " very place where Sherlock Holmes lived . " Speaking of , is anyone out there a fan of the BBC rendition with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman ? I missed seeing the first episode of the fourth season on New Year 's Day , so please don 't tell me anything . I 'm looking forward to seeing that soon . After inspecting the home of the sleuth , I hopped on the tube once again to head to the Tate Britain Museum , a museum that features British artists from across time . A new acquaitance I had made during my visit here suggested that I go to see a painting called Hope by George Frederic Watts because of how emotional and touching it was . It truly was an amazing painting to behold . The blindfolded figure clinging to a lyre that only has one single golden strand remaining . It is dark and sad , yet does inspire hope - there is still another chance . Very inspirational . I loved it so much a bought a postcard with it . There were many other wonderful and famous paintings in the museum which I will show below . Finally , as my last wish for my stay in London , I actually treated my AirBnb host , Pandora , to dinner . She has been such an amazing host . Lovely , through and through . We didn 't always get a chance to talk because our schedules didn 't always match , but it was so nice to get to just sit and chat with her tonight about all sorts of things . I hope that from my time staying here , she can consider me more than just a guest , but now a new friend . I have made so many new friends and acquatainces during my time here in London . People met through current connections and others just via happenstance , I truly believe God was at work and will continue to work in my life . Coming to London had been impromptu , but it turned out to be an amazing blessing . Thanks , London , for being so wonderful . Here 's to the next time we shall meet . - Wandering Minstrelette For those of you have been following my blog , you know that over the last couple of summers I have traveled for internships to fulfill the requirements of my Masters in Arts Management from George Mason University in Virginia . My focus during my time at Mason was on international arts management , as I hope to one day move out of the United States and work in the arts or cultural realm abroad . England is a good place to start , I think , for someone who is interested in arts policy and fundraising because , despite still being quite different from the US , the UK has the closest related system that wouldn 't be such a stretch to learn and adapt to . That being said , I had hoped to visit several performing arts organizations during this trip and have a chat with some of the administration just to get a feel for what it might be like to work in the UK , and in London specifically . As you know from my previous posts , it didn 't really happen . But today I was able to visits several different arts and cultural organizations that have solidified even more my desire to someday move to and work in Europe . The first stop today was at the Royal Academy of the Dramatic Arts . It 's been a dream of mine to visit this amazing school that had produced some of the finest actors Britain had ever known , as well as top - level theatre technicians and set / costume designers . Sadly , my friend Jeniffer and I were not allowed to visit any classrooms , but we did get a chance to speak to a woman who works at the cafe which is open to the public . She was able to tell us a lot about how the school functions and what it takes to be a student at RADA . We would have loved to see a performance , but the school had just opened again from winter break , so there was no chance of that happening . Guess I 'll just have to come back sometime . We then returned to the British Museum . The forty - five minutes there the other day was simply not enough to fully grasp the amazing amount of knowledge and artifacts available in these halls . Jeniffer and I walked through ancient Egypt , ancient Greece , ancient Rome , medieval Europe , and the empire of the Mayans . There were some famous pieces like the Rosetta Stone , the Lewis Chess Pieces , and the double - headed turquoise serpent . Tons of lesser known , but no less important , pieces grabbed our attention and filled us with wonder and interest . We could have easily spent another couples of hours than we did in the British Museum because we didn 't see anything from the Middle East , Asia , or Africa . Such an amazing museum ! Once we left the British Museum , we headed across town by Tube for the Victoria and Albert Museum . This is a world - famous museum , yet none of the exhibits really caught my fancy . That is to say , except one in the history of underwear . It was a special exhibit , however , requiring a tickets and I was already spending so much money today that I thought it would be best not to go . There were some pretty things - mostly clothing and instruments from the 19th century . But soon we decided to move on to something a little more interesting . That something happened to be right nearby . Royal Albert Hall is a fantastic performance venue that presents all sorts of acts . The big show they are currently advertising is an act from Cirque du Solei called Ama Luna . We didn 't get to go inside and explore , but it was cool to be able to see the venue again and be reminded of good memories from the NEYE 2009 tour . One thing I don 't remember doing the last time I was here was walking around the back of the Hall and seeing the monument to Queen Elizabeth as well as the Royal College of Music . While we still were not able to explore classrooms and the like , Jeniffer and I were able to see a lot more of the building than we did at RADA . There was gorgeous marble everywhere and mosaic - tiled floors . No performances were taking place , but it sounded like a rehearsal of an opera or something was taking place in the hall . As if all that wasn 't enough , the final touch was to see a performance of Wicked at the Apollo Victoria Theatre . Wow . Just wow . I was completely blown away by the sets , the costumes , the lights , the orchestra , the actors , and of course , the music . No spoiler warnings , but I will say that it definitely helps to be familiar with the Wizard of Oz story , either from the original book or the 1939 film , in order to catch or understand all the references in this phenomenal musical . It was a treat for me ( so much cheaper to see it here than on Broadway ) , but it was an extra special treat for Jeniffer because she had never been toIt truly has been a wonderful day , my second to last in London . I have yet to see what my final day will be filled with , but I 'll be sure to share tomorrow . - Wandering Minstrelette PS - I hope you 've been enjoying the pictures I 've been sharing . They were all taken from my iPhone 7 . Apollo Victoria TheatreartsBritish MuseumCultureEnglandLondonmusicmusicalRoyal Academy of the Dramatic ArtsRoyal Albert HallRoyal College of MusictheatreUKVictoria and Albert MuseumWicked There were so many people interested in this particular trip , that we were actually divided into two groups . I ended up on the bus with Alton , the bus driver , and Eddie , the guide . They both proved to be absolutely wonderful people and made our day trip everything we could have asked it to be . Our first stop for the day was in Windsor Castle . It wasn 't until we arrived at the foot of the castle that I remembered that I had actually been here before with the New England Youth Ensemble when I was in college . Memories flooded back , but I also had the chance to experience tons of things for the first time . Sadly , as was the case with the Parliament building and Westminster Abbey , pictures were not allowed to be taken in many parts of the castle . But while I cannot show them to you , what I can saw is that this one of five homes of the current queen is utterly exquisite and ornate . Nothing was left unthought of when it came to materials used and decorations displayed . Enormous paintings covered the ceilings of several rooms , featuring individuals who had lived in the castle among the gods . The armory was breath - taking and the hall where royal dinners are often held was quite long . Apparently they have a single table that stretches across the whole expanse ! There was a special exhibit to honor the Queen 's 90th birthday that featured her outfits from across the decades . Riding costumes to theatrical garb to estate dinner gowns . Everything was so beautiful , but one thing I noticed was the height . The Queen does not seem to be , by the looks of her clothes , very tall at all . To me , that makes her all the more charming . I exited the exhibit just in time to catch some of the changing of the guard ceremony . Not quite as elaborate as that at Buckingham , and certainly not as crowded , but still quite fun to watch . The musicians accompanying the ceremony were a fife and drum corp , and the fife players were struggling a bit with playing in tune . It was entertaining , but I also felt I could sympathize with them since I play piccolo and know that the cold weather makes it difficult to stay in tune . Let 's be honest , the piccolo is just hard to keep in tune regardless . Just before we had to leave , I ducked into St . George 's Chapel , one of the oldest parts of the castle . It was ornate to the highest degree and also a fully functioning church . I wonder if it is open to the public every weekend and what exactly happens when the Queen is residing there . Our second stop was to something that had been on my list for a long time now - Stonehenge ! These ancient rocks , despite all the archaeology and study that has been done on them , still maintain an air of mystery and wonder . Visitors are dropped off in the parking lots and then must go through the visitor center before taking the mini - bus up to the path that leads to the rocks . There was also an option to walk a trail to the rocks . It was only a little over a mile , and I would have done it , but the cold was just too nippy . The mini - bus leaves visitors just within view of the stones , but as you walk closer , you can feel the whole aura of this ancient place . In fact , I made myself stop for just a moment . No pictures , bracing the cold , and took in the atmosphere . Sometimes I 'm too " trigger happy " with my camera and forget to be present in the moment . Let me tell you , this was a moment to be present in . There are varying theories as to what the stones represent and how they were brought to the Salisbury plains . What is known is that the structure could be as old 5 , 000 years and that on the summer and winter solsitices , the structure is perfectly aligned with the early morning sun . It is believed that the Beaker people , named for the unique type of pottery they used and the builders of Stonehenge , could also use the formation to predict eclipses . Around Stonehenge were various ditches and mounds . The ditches helped outline the perimeter of the ancient memorial , placed there by ancient peoples for purposes not entirely clear today . The mounds are actually burial grounds , where the wealthy and influential Beakers were buried and prepared for the after life . There were also lots of birds that inhabited the rocks and the plain surrounding . Jackdaws and rooks were abundant and some of the rooks even were brave enough to land on a couple of the memorial 's wardens . I tried to convince one to come sit on my hand with peanuts , with the consent of the warden , but no luck . Our final destination of the tour was city of Bath , once an opulent city when Britain had a powerful Roman presence that fell into disarray wAfter a quick glance through the gift shop ( there always seems to be a gift shop , huh ? ) , we were back in the bus for a two hour ride back to central London . I have been on several tours , day trips and otherwise , and I can honestly say that this is one of the best I have been on . The timing of our visits and the travel in between were perfectly calculated to allow us to see all we could want , have us leave wanting more , and still never feel rushed . Eddie , our tour guide , was pleasant , funny , and approachable , making our time together enjoyable . If I had the time , I would book another tour that they have down to Kent and Dover , but I believe I will have to wait until I return to the British Isles for that trip . I highly recommend Golden Tours for your visit to London , and no , I was not asked or paid to say this . I really just liked it that much . Hard to believe I only have two days left before I return home ! I 'll be sure to press in as much as possible within the next two days - and then share all about it ! Look out for my next blog post . - Wandering Minstrelette There are so many wonderful things to see in London , it 's sometimes hard to know what to do . So I was thankful when potential plans to go out of the city fell through , because it meant I was able to see a few more things I had on my list . One thing I had always wanted to see was the changing of the guard ceremony at Buckingham Palace . Online I had discovered that the Band of the Scots Guard was going to be participating in the ceremony today , so I knew I had to go . My new friend Jeniffer , whom I had met last week , joined me in the massive group of people craning to see anything of the time - seasoned tradition within and near the gated palace courtyard . The soldiers were wearing their winter gray coats instead of their brilliant red uniforms , but the bear hats seemed fluffier somehow from when I had come last time ( which had been summer ) . There were no bagpipes in the band , as I had been hoping , but the members of the ensemble were without a doubt amazing musicians and I enjoyed everything they performed . It was kind of cute that some of the instruments , brass mostly , had little leather jackets . I 'm wondering if it was to keep the instrument warm or help the player hold it while marching . Probably the latter . As I had mentioned before , there were tons of people present to see the ceremony meaning not everyone really had a good view . Jeniffer , myself , and some others nearby started watching everything from some other guy 's phone screen , since he was filming with a selfie stick and was able to stick it through the fence to get a better angle . Maybe seeing something like this on TV would have allowed us to have better views , but I actually really enjoyed the experience of being out there and feeling the atmosphere of tradition and pomp . Once the ceremony was over , we met another friend , Barbara , by the National Gallery and took a bus to Tower Bridge . The setting sun shone perfectly for pictures of the bridge and the nearby buildings . Eventually Jeniffer had to split , but Barbara and I continued our adventure by I had been told many stories about this place , so I had to experience it for myself . Gracious , it was overwhelming . Six floors , plus a ground and basement level , with literally anything you could ever think of . Furniture , books , technology , toys , jewelry , perfume , wine , top - of - the - line ( sometimes exotic ) groceries , and of course , lots and lots of clothes . Each area was decorated to create a certain mood that aligned with the products . I mean , highly decorated . I can 't imagine how long and how many people it must have taken to put this whole thing together . One special moment in the store , though , was coming across a memorial statue and fountain to Princess Diana and her lover , Dodi Al Fayed , that supports underserved children in the community that the princess was originally from . It was touching and very human . There was even a condolences book that people could sign . It 's amazing how much Princess Diana is still missed after all these years . Wandering through the halls on nearly every floor , I observed the types of things sold and the prices they were marked at . You did not come to Harrods to find something cheap . Even things on sale were pretty far out of my price range , including the groceries section . It truly is a place of wealth and extravagance . Literally , there is a restaurant dedicated to all things truffles . By that alone , I think you get my point . It was only after meandering on most of the floors , that I decided it was finally time to end my day and head home . Besides , tomorrow is going to be very exciting and I want to be well rested ! This was the second time I spent New Year 's Eve outside of the US , and one of the few times ( maybe even the only one ) that I chose to spend outside in the cold . I can probably now say that I 've had my fair share of New Year 's celebrations , but am still glad I did it . After a lovely church service Sabbath morning at the Hampstead SDA Church , I was invited to stay for lunch where I met a Brazilian young man named Davi , who is in England to study English . He decided to join Bruno , myself , and some others in trying to see the fireworks . Bruno had gone to a different church , so we would have to meet up in the city . Figuring we had a good amount of time , Davi and I first explored Camden after lunch before heading in the city center . We found quite a lot of interesting things , too . There were several markets where you could buy just about anything you could ever want . I might have to go back before I leave . We finally got into the city to meet up with Bruno and his squad , but we 're having trouble getting to Waterloo Bridge , our pre - selected meeting place . I don 't know when this began , but this year the viewing of the fireworks was ticketed . I almost bought tickets , but missed out back when the second round was released in December . Tickets allowed you to stand in designated spots along the river to get the best views of the fireworks . Well , apparently it was for any view of the fireworks . Davi and I eventually found Bruno and squad and together we searched for a place to stand that didn 't require a ticket and we hoped would give us a decent view . We finally hunkered down in a spot of Trafalgar Square with a pretty decent view of Big Ben . For about three hours we sat and chatted and had fun , but when it cam time for the fireworks to start , all of us in the Square ( there were hundreds ) were sorely disappointed . All the fireworks were happening by the London Eye , nothing was by Big Ben . We adjusted our position a little and could see some of the fireworks above some buildings , but not at all what we were hoping - Wandering Minstrelette Short post today . London fog has finally made an appearance . It kind of set the mood for the day as soon as I walked out the door . Newbold College is located in Bracknell , about an hour out of London . My journey took much longer than it should have because of uncertainties and second guessing . A whole other hour was frustratingly added to my trip , meaning I wasn 't going to be able to participate in something I was hoping to do , but what matters is I made it . Pr . Vili , who I met last night , picked me up from the station and took me to the campus . The fog made it difficult to truly wander and take pictures , so I hung around the church while he packed up a video camera and other equipment he had been using . The afternoon was relaxed and honestly kind of slow . I don 't know what I was expecting , but I guess it was nice to have a change of pace . I was definitely given a glimpse of life in England outside the ever rushing London heartbeat . Quaint homes in small villages , big Walmart like one - stop - shops , people knowing all the other people in the stores . It was pleasant and refreshing . I wish they had this in the States ! The way back was probably what made my evening though . Two adorable little girls , aged 4 and 7 , sat by me in the train and took a liking to me . The chatted with me , with smiling parents looking on , the entire way back to Waterloo Station . Earlier in the day , I was kind of feeling like today was a bit of a loss . There are so many other things I could have done . But then a phrase one of my teachers in college loved to say came to mind , " Not every measure has to be a masterpiece . " Every moment of every day doesn 't have to be grand and amazing . It would be more tiring and less special if they were . So , I am thankful for today , and for the fact that I was able to come home early to enjoy the beginning of Sabbath and rest . And tomorrow is New Year 's Eve ! I hope to have some good stories to share with you . A good friend of mine told me that a friend of his that he had met while studying abroad was going to be in London the same time as me and decided to connect us . Today I met Bruno , along with Barbara and Jennifer , for an amazing whirlwind of a day . We met at the National Gallery and got to know one another a bit as walked through the exhibits . There were fantastic paintings from well - know and not so well - known artists . Probably my favorites were Paolo Veronese 's " The Adoration of the Kings , " and Vincent van Gogh 's " Sunflowers . " After seeing what we wanted at the Gallery , we decided to head towards the British Museum . Except … I lead us in the wrong direction , and with plans later in the day , we wouldn 't have had the time to do everything we wanted . Thankfully , we ended seeing things that some had not had a chance to see yet . We crossed the Waterloo Bridge and then around to the Eye , back across on the Westminster Bridge up into Leicester Square . It reminded me very much of New York City , with all the lights and enormous stores , including four stories of M & Ms ! Such a ridiculous amount of chocolate . Our group began to dwindle a bit as we began a walking tour . Not even 10 minutes into the tour , the three of us left decided we would rather spend our time doing other things . So we headed to Piccadilly Circus . What a gorgeous , expensive , and very busy area of London ! If I thought Leicester Square was like New York City , Piccadilly Circus was even more so . The tight , constantly shifting crowd , the bright lights ( including Europe 's largest LED screen , smaller only than the one in Times Square ) , and the shopping were all so reminiscent of the Big Apple . It 's this kind of thing that I don 't mind experiencing once in a while , but also makes me never want to live in a large city . There is simply too much going on all the time , and I know I need to relax my senses once in a while . After helping another of our friends get home , Bruno and I were left together to meet with Pr . Vili , the director for media ministry of the Southern England Conference and a pastor at Newbold College . Pr . Vili absolutely spoiled us by taking us to the largest mall in Europe , a Westfield , no less , for dinner . The shopping center was stunning and the food was fantastic . After spending some time together getting to know each other , Pr . Vili left for home and Bruno and I were left to wander the halls of the mall . A macaw made from tiny Havaiana flip - flops ! We popped into some stores and watched people skate in the indoor ice rink , but probably the most memorable moment was at the Sky TV kiosk . They have a machine that showed some well - known characters from children 's films ( all of which I know , of course ) in different poses that you had to match . It was too adorable not to try , and they had pictures from Zootopia ( known as Zootropolis here ) , so I had to do it . On my first round , I had 100 % success at matching the poses and the salespeople running the kiosk were so impressed that they decided to buy Bruno and I tea . We were so taken aback , but completely appreciative . We ended up hanging out at the kiosk for several minutes just chatting and left feeling like we had made new friends . What a blessing ! Getting home late several nights in a row is starting to get to me , but I am just so thankful for all the wonderful things God has blessed me with and used me to be a blessing to others . I pray that the rest of my time here in London will continue to be the same . - Wandering Minstrelette I didn 't walk quite as much today as I did yesterday . Mostly , it was because two of the attractions I went to involved standing in line and the third was all sitting . With a rather late start to the day , I decided to pick a point and explore around it . I had mentioned in an Instagram post that I was planning on getting closer to Big Ben today and I very well succeeded . The clock tower was looming over pedestrians right at the exit of Westminster Underground Station . As the Parliament building was right there , I thought I would visit . It wasn 't something I had done before and was hoping maybe to get closer or even inside Big Ben . However , admission only allows so many entrants every 20 minutes and since I had come by lunch time , a good portion of the day was already full . The next available entrance time was three hours or so later . I took it anyways , figuring I could fill my time with something else nearby . And of course , right next to the Parliament Building is Westminster Abbey . I can 't remember whether I went into the Abbey last time I was in London . Since no pictures are allowed inside the space , I have nothing to reference . We must have gone in , but I thought it was worth to go just in case . The Abbey is an interesting place . The hall for worship is beautiful and the sections where the choir sings , coronations take place , and the most recent royal wedding happened are exquisite . The rest is an interesting mixture of tombs , memorials , and out of the way rooms for prayer . Some of the most interesting for me were G . F . Handel , David Livingstone , Sir Issac Newton , Henry Purcell , Charles Dickens , all three Brontë sisters , Shakespeare , and sister queens Elizabeth and Mary . There were many musicians , literary artists , politicians , and of course , members of the royal family from across ( literally ) centuries were represented there . Westminster is an active church , holding services every Sunday and holding moments of prayer every hour throughout the week . How interesting it must be to attend a church with so muTo be in charge of music ( official title being Organist and Master of Choristers ) or even to be a member of the Abbey choir must be such an amazing honor and a heavy burden , knowing the great standard of musicianship that is expected . In case anyone is interested , there is an annual apprenticeship position in the Abbey to work along the official Organist and Master of Choristers and their two assistants . There are also other vacancies In case anyone is looking for something new and interesting to do . Taken with my iPhone 7 , thank you very much . Now this building I know I had never been in before , and I 'm so glad I chose to spend the couple of hours walking through and listening to the audio tour to learn more about how the United Kingdom 's government developed and functioned . Part of the tour included visiting the rooms where the House of Lords and the House of Commons function and debate . Everything in the hall for the Lords was red and for the Commons green . Made for some interesting items in the shop afterwards . There was a story shared about the position known as the Black Rod ( House of Lords ) , which is like the Sergeant - at - Arms for the House of Commons . Back in 1642 , someone from the House of Lords wanted to arrest five members from the House of Commons , but the members of the latter house refused to let it happen . Since then , there has been an annual ceremony of the Black Rod coming to the House of Commons to summon the MP 's to the State Opening Speeh of Parliament , but the door gets slammed in his face . This is supposed to represent the autonomy of power that the House of Commons has from the House of Lords . The Black Rod then has to knock on the door three times with his staff before he is attended to and finally can make the proper summons . It 's an interesting display of tradition and ceremony that I would like to discuss further , but not at this time . The Parliament Building overall is very grand and majestic . Sadly , we weren 't allowed nearer or inside Big Ben . I also don 't have too many pictures to share because like the Westminster Abbey , photos were allowed throughout most of the building . Westminster Hall - at the time it was completed , it was the largest hall of it 's kind in Europe . It 's ceiling / beams are very special and unique . Grabbing a hot tea in the cafe before leaving the Parliament Building , I was able to ask one of the staff what I should do with my evening ( that didn 't involve drinking - he found that amusing ) . After thinking a bit , he suggested I go up to Leicester Square where I could find some cinemas that screened a wide variety of blockbuster , independent , and vintage films . I made my way to the square and passed by yet another throwback to memories from 2009 - Trafalgar Square , the Lord Nelson column , the National Gallery , and the Academy of St . Martin - in - the - Fields . Maybe I 'll be able to go back there tomorrow for a proper visit ! After walking another 10 minutes or so , I finally reached Leicester Square and started looking for the cinemas . Kind of hard when they are not clearly marked on maps and you don 't have cell service … But as I wandered around trying to find them , I noticed posters for different theatre productions . Then I realized the street name on one of the posters was the same as the street I was on and it hit me - I was in the West End ! Forget the cinema , I instantly decided I was going to see a musical . I had to make a decision fast - performance started in roughly 45 minutes and there were so many to choose from ! I wanted something that wasn 't going to be easy to find in Broadway or the Kennedy Center and that had a distinct British flavor to it . All that in more was in the delightful show , " Half a Sixpence . " For £ 25 , I had an amazing seat in the Noël Coward Theater to a show I knew nothing about and ended up thourougly enjoying . Sweet , heartwarming , and filled with fun songs and breataking choreography ( especially from the lead actor ) , I could not have picked a better show to be my first experience on the West End . If you are , or will be , in London in the near future , absolutely come see " Half a Sixpence . " I hope in my time here I will be able to see some other performances , including something in the Globe and at the Royal Albert Hall . If I plan things right , I might be able to even meet with some of the administration of these organizations . Making connections is always a good thing . It was a bit hard to get out of bed this morning , the warmth of the electric blanket just kept making me doze off . I should buy one for myself at home . But I was excited to spend my first full day in the city , and felt doubly blessed that I was able to spend the day with my friend Brianna , who happened to be in the area visiting family for the holidays . The day started with one of the things I had been dying to do since I came in 2009 - ride the London Eye . Let me tell you , it is so not worth buying a ticket and then waiting in line for a printed version . Being one of the most popular attractions in town , it really makes sense to ask for the ticket to be electronic to just get into the queue for the Eye itself . Thankfully , I thought to take a screen shot , because not having constant service or wifi can make downloading things online rather difficult . The view was wonderful . The late morning sun shone a golden touch across the Thames and the buildings , including the iconic Big Ben , stood proudly in its light . Thankfully , the wheel turns slow enough that everyone in the glass enclosed pod can walk around and have a 360 degree view of the city with fighting for window space to snap a photo . I 'm so glad to now be able to tick that off my bucket list . Lunch was spent in Box Park at East Croyden where I had the chance to meet with Richard Daly , director of Hope Channel UK . What a pleasant gentleman with a true heart for ministry through media ! It a pleasure to hear about his plans for the channel and its programming here in the UK and discuss ideas of how to make it happen . I pray that the Lord will bless his efforts and those of his team as the move forward in this amazing and important project . Box Park is like a covered , but open air food court with all sorts of delicious options . They even had heat lamps to keep the cold away ! Very cool find ! By the time Brianna and I were back on the train to Central London , the sun was already setting . But 4pm was simply too early to call things a day , so we decided to continue our adventure . And what an adventure we had ! We passed well known and lesser known landmarks of London . We , of course , had to stop by Buckingham Palace , where I attempted to recreate a photo from when I had come before . My friend Michael and I in 2009 Then we came across two war memorials . The first was fairly new , unveiled in 2012 at HM the Queen 's Diamond Jubilee to honor the British and other Allies bombers who served during World War II . The detail in the statues was simply remarkable - they almost looked alive ! This memorial touched me because my uncle served as a tail gunner in a bomber during WWII . I 'll have to be sure to show this picture to him once I return to the States . The second was for those who had served and died in World War 1 , and had become a place to honor British soldiers across the years who had lost their lives serving their country . It became especially sobering when we came across a wreath laid on the steps of the memorial for a Tom Sawyer . His young face in the photo made it all the more poignant . War is so awful … I truly have never seen a fair of such enormous proportions . There were lights everywhere , with more food and rides than anyone could ever know what to do with . There were sections of this pop - up theme park : Santa Land , Bavarian Village , Ice Mountain , etc . Everything was so absolutely extra , it was nearly overwhelming . Brianna and I decided simply to walk around and take in the sights ( as there were so many to take in ) , stopping periodically to eat or take a closer look at the craft stands . We got into the park at 5pm and didn 't exit until nearly 8 : 30pm . And we might still have not seen everything , although I 'm pretty sure we saw a good 98 percent or something . We would have stayed longer , but by 8 : 30pm , the cold was starting to settle in , encouraging us to say that now was a good time to call it a night . Truly a fun and blessing - filled day . I can 't wait to see what 's in store for tomorrow !

I suddenly find myself technically " grown up " and I 'm still struggling with the same thing I 've always struggled with . Choosing a direction . As I walk and stumble along this path , I 'd like to share my experiences and I hope you 'll share yours too . We weren 't meant to walk this path alone . Please join me , conversations are extremely dull when one sided . Translate I live about 300 miles away from my family , well the close relatives anyways . But I only live 45 minutes from some other extended family . Yes , this is Texas , where we tell distance in terms of time . Sorry if your state isn 't that cool . But as most of my thoughts , I thought of it , but then did not follow through . Well my great uncle ( who lived 45 minutes away ) died last Friday . And I never went and visited . Anyways . It 's not like I 'm sitting here crying all woe is me over this . I 'm just saying it sucks . I should have followed my gut on that one and made some affirmative steps towards going and visiting them before he died . I don 't know what I would have learned from it or what the experience would have been , but I 'm sure I would have learned something . That 's just what happens when I hang out with old people . Which might be why I like them so much . Maybe there was something really neat I could have learned from him . But I 'll never know . So now my goal is to just start listening to my instincts more and to stop fighting it . I don 't know why I fight it , but I do . Time to get over that . We started out at a local watering hole . Nothing swanky . Just had some fun , relaxed , had a drink or two ( seriously , 2 drinks ) and caught up . Of course my friend had other friends come out and so we were all getting acquainted as well . Everything is going well , everyone is getting along and having a good time laughing and telling stories . As the night goes on , my friend says " Hey , Let 's all go to this other bar ! " I 'll call it Club Z . Since we 've all come there to see him , we have no problems with going where he wants to go . We all want to make sure he has fun and gets to see all of his friends . So we all load up and head over to Club Z . It was really cold and I didn 't feel like walking all the way to my car so I just rode with my friend and two other people . First bad idea of the night . NEVER RIDE WITH OTHER PEOPLE . ALWAYS TAKE YOUR OWN CAR IF YOU PLAN ON STAYING SOBER . ( which I did . ) Well we get to Club Z . I have never been there on a Saturday night and I was immediately regretting the decision . Techno is not music . I don 't know what it is , but if I can 't dance to it , I have a hard time calling it music . Well apparently Club Z is all about the techno . Club Z is also an open air bar on the top floor of a building . And it was cold . So the only way to stay warm was to be in the middle of the mass huddle of people who were drunkenly trying to dance to the techno . It was awful . So I 'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I now have to be VERY VERY close to a lot of people that I 'd rather not touch with a 10 foot pole . In addition to this , one of my buddy 's friends has decided that he likes me . How or why , I have no idea but he got it in his head that he was going to spend the whole evening in Club Z talking to me . I 'm sure this guy was very nice but I was just not interested . But I was trying to be nice and I didn 't want to be rude . NOTE TO GUYS : Some girls like it , I guess , for a guy to hug and hang all over them in a bar and hold their hand . THIS GIRL DOES NOT ! ! ! I don 't know what this guy 's problem was but he wanted to hold my and and put his arm around me . All under the guise of trying to keep me warm , you know since it was so cold . I did everything I could to ditch this guy . I would just take off randomly through the crowd . I would go to the girls bathroom . I even went out onto the balcony where it was cold . Nope . I just could not shake this dude . Every time he would put his arm around me I would shrug it off . Every time he would try to hold my hand I would shake it loose and put it in my pocket . I even went so far as saying " I really hate this club because I hate being touched and all these drunk people keep bumping into me and touching me . " NOPE . Went right over his head . So then I got desperate . I thought , well maybe I 'll bore him into going to find another girl to talk to . So I started talking about my dogs . And if you know me , I can talk about my critters all day long . So I talked and talked and talked about my dogs . How I like them more than most people . How I let them sleep on the bed . Nope . Dude was still with me . Finally I saw my ex - boyfriend out with his new girlfriend and felt a wave of relief wash over me . I quickly ran over to them and asked if they were planning on leaving early . They said yes so I asked if they would mind taking me to my car at the first bar . They said they would be willing . I have never been so happy to see my ex . Not even when we were dating was I ever as happy to see him as I was at that moment . While I was waiting for them to get ready to leave I was still having to deal with super friendly dude . I couldn 't take it any more . Finally I text my buddy , the guy I had originally come out to hang out with and asked him if he would please call off this dog that was attached to my hip . He finally came over and said something to his friend and the guy backed off a little . BUT HE STILL WOULDN ' T LEAVE MY SIDE . When my ex and his girlfriend decided they were ready I leapt for joy and excitedly followed them out of the club . I have decided to never go back there again . My ex and his girlfriend dropped me off at my car . I thanked them for saving me , hurried home , dove into my pajamas and fixed some hot chocolate before I drifted off to sleep . How does this relate to choosing a direction ? I am choosing never to go down that path again . I am officially too old for that nonsense . Once upon a time , that would have been a fun evening . But never again will that be a part of my story . Posted by I can 't speak for guys , but I know as girls we often have initial instincts but then we over think it and out smart ourselves into not making the best decisions . I struggle with this . I have good strong gut instincts , but all to often I second guess myself , over analyze all of the possibilities and then make the biggest mistake and stop to consider what do I " feel " like doing . Meet Dudette . Dudette is a turtle . A large turtle that was just walking down my street this evening . And she was booking it , like she clearly had places to go . I live in a centrally located neighborhood and I can say that I haven 't seen a single turtle on my street in the 2 years I 've lived here . So I went to investigate , as is my way . Turns out Dudeette is a water turtle , adding to all of the mystery of how she came to be on my block because I am not anywhere even remotely near water . So I did what you 're supposed to do with wild turtles . I picked her up and took her across the road in the direction she was headed . I went inside and then thought about it some more . Dudette was headed towards a MAJOR street that was at the end of my block and at this hour , she would get run over . So I went back for her . Dudette had now crossed the street in a northerly direction and was struggling to climb over a curb . I scooped her up and decided I 'd do her one better . I 'd take her to the nicest , largest playa lake in Lubbock which was about a mile from my house . We got in the car and off we went . She 's kind of a beast . When we arrived down at the lake , I took her to the water 's edge and set her gently in some shallow water that was close to a big concrete drain structure so she 'd have some cover near by . I walked off about 15 feet and waited . After a second , she came out of her shell and took a long drink of water . I 'm not sure how long she had been walking to find herself in my neighborhood but there was no water around so I can only imagine how thirsty she was . After drinking , she plodded around in the shallows and then swam away . I was curious about what kind of turtle she was so I posted these pictures with some close up of her shell on some turtle forums . One person said she must have gotten lost while looking for a new pond . I guess if they outgrow their pond or there are no mates they will search for a new one . I 'm no expert in turtle behavior , but I am pretty sharp when it comes to critters and this girl was not lost . She knew exactly where she was headed regardless of how dangerous it might be . It 's a wonder she made it to my house . So I started looking at the factors . We have a cold wind blowing in from the North and the biggest lake in town is North East of my house . She wasn 't lost , she was following the smell of water and that 's where she was headed . She had clearly chosen her direction . This comes on the heels of my last post about following your dreams . With that you have to follow your instincts . If you know what 's right , if you know where you 're supposed to be then GO ! Is it always going to be safe ? Probably not . But if you were meant to go that direction , there will be someone there to help you through the rough parts . Way to go Dudette . May you find plenty of food , solid shelter , and a little turtle friend . Way to follow your instincts . Look where it got you : - ) But then I thought about the question some more . I invested several years and $ 100 , 000 in my law degree . But can I honestly say that is my dream ? And I came to the conclusion that No , it 's not my Dream . Do I dream about being a lawyer ? No . Do I get up every morning and envision myself winning some big case and walking victoriously from a courtroom ? No . Can or have I imagine all of those things ? Absolutely and they do make me feel very warm and fuzzy inside . So then I was suddenly burdened with this question of well , what is my dream ? You just can 't not have a dream right ? I 'm pretty sure I had one once but then it went somewhere and now I can 't find it . I know what makes me happy . I know what I enjoy but I 'm not sure I know exactly what my dream is anymore . So I started where you should always start , at the beginning . What WAS my dream ? Well for most of my life , growing up , I convinced myself that I was going to be a veterinarian . That WAS my dream . I had ordered a course catalogue for Texas A & M University as a 7th grader just so I could see what kinds of classes were offered and start making my plans . But then somewhere along the way in high school that dream changed . Actually if I 'm honest about it , what I kind of remember happening is being told a couple times by a couple people ( who were absolutely insignificant and from what I can recall had never accomplished anything great in their lives ) told me that it would be really hard and that I had better be really really good at Math and Science or I 'd fail out . And at the time I thought about it and I was really good at Math , but the science program at my high school was a joke . As in one of the laziest kids in the school got a B in AP Chemistry joke . And I was weak . I listened to what these people said and I let it destroy my literally LIFE LONG dream of being a vet . Now I 'm not trying to blame it on them by any means . That 's just what people do , they tell you can 't do something when they know they can 't do it . I blame it on me . I just gave up . Have you ever just given up on a real dream ? Ask yourself honestly and if you feel like sharing , please do . There is an Anonymous option down there in the comments . So then what ? Well I stumbled through college , waited until the absolute LAST second to pick a major and what was it ? Something exciting ? No . I was an English literature major . I love to read so it was an easy major . I picked what was comfortable . I knew I would be successful as an English Major . There was no risk . But then what ? Would I be a teacher ? Ummmmm no . Not just no but hell no . Thought about it for a bit , just to say I thought about it , but it was never my dream and I know that unless you feel called to be a teacher , you have no business in a school . So what now ? Well I had been a high school and collegiate debater . I had spent my whole life arguing with my mother and I was smart . I thought quick on my feet . So law school it was . Seemed natural enough . And off I went . Boy was that a miserable experience . So now here I am with one useless degree and one awesome one that I did not really enjoy earning . If you 're reading this and you 're one of those people that really enjoyed law school . You 're officially weird . In case you didn 't know . It 's an interesting place to be in life . I 've got an awesome tool belt and it is stocked full of the latest gizmos and gadgets . Tools that are sparkling and waiting to be used , but now I have NO idea what I want to build . This topic was on my mind literally ALL day while I was at work . What do I want now ? What is my dream now ? I can come up with all kinds of answers . I want to be happy . I want to be surrounded by animals . I want to help people . I want to wear boots and jeans to work every day . I want to take my dogs to work . ( my dogs are awesome btw ) I want to be financially stable . I want to be debt free . I want to nurture and protect . What it boils down to is I want to be my mom . Now part of that is kind of impossible right now because well , I 'm single and I don 't have any kids that don 't have four legs and fur . But my mom is like the coolest person I know . She is surrounded by critters all day , she keeps bees and chickens and makes her own honey . She grows all kinds of good nourishing food in her own garden . She knows about all of this cool nifty stuff that improves her quality of life . Even simple things like rinsing my hair with an apple cider vinegar mixture . She just knows all this stuff that I don 't know ! She 's a fighter ! And she 's a wonderful mother . I know I probably have not made her feel like it on multiple occasions but she 's the strongest person I know and I am SO proud of her . Without putting everything out there I 'll just tell you that my mom has been through more shit ( and that 's the only word for it ) in her life than anyone should ever have to put up with but despite all of that she dedicated her life to raising me and my sister and to being a godly wife . And in my humble opinion she 's done a bang up job . She is extremely smart . Anything she puts her hand to , she 's researched it and knows what 's up . She 's more well read than I am and I was an English Lit major and she did not go to college . She 's the strongest woman I 've ever seen in real life and she loves God . I want to be just like her . But there are all these other things that need to fall into place for that to happen . One of which is finding a man . . . and whew . . . let 's talk about that on a different day . Before even that can happen there 's all this stuff that I need to do first and that 's a complicated list . So for now I 'll close with the fact that my first dream would have been an easy one . Follow steps A , B , C , D , pass some tests , here 's your degree in Veterinary Medicine . But this new ultimate goal I have is going to be SO MUCH HARDER to accomplish . I don 't know if I 'll ever get there . So for now I 'm not going to worry about stating my dream in terms of what I do , which i - Scarlett My name is Scarlett and I am just a woman / girl . ( Still unsure if I belong entirely in one category or the other . ) I grew up in the country and that is always where my heart will remain . I say I grew up . . . I 'm not sure I every really grew up , or ever will . If you stick with me , you 'll find I 'm very much a child and utterly ridiculous . I received my undergraduate degree in 2009 and then I went on to law school and graduated in 2012 . Now " I 'm just a girl in the world " trying to figure this life out . Go ahead you know you 're singing it already . . . Where are my No Doubt fans ? Seriously though , I 'm just trying to choose a direction . Everyday , making decisions , all of which are guiding me in one direction or another . My problem solving style is tackle the problem head on , like a bull charging a matador . Sometimes however , that matador vaporizes and suddenly this bull is in a china shop . So now this bull is trying to learn some lessons in delicacy and grace . And then sometimes I just have to say to hell with it , pour a glass of wine and watch Mulan and start again the next day . As most people know , you have a few good FRIENDS and lots of good ACQUAINTANCES . I am no exception , though I thought I was for years . ( I 'm special . . . as in sometimes I think I 'm so special life is what I want it to be rather than what it actually is . ) But now I recognize my friends and they too are all strong , intelligent , strong minded women who are constantly busting their butts to make their way in this world . They are also trying to choose their direction and we are walking ( sometimes stumbling ) down this road together . I know there are lots more strong , intelligent people out there who I am not close to or acquainted with . I hope in this blog to reach out to those people and to have them reach out to me . I want to create dialogues that are meant to encourage and uplift us . And along the way I will share some of the absolutely ridiculous things that happen in my life . Hopefully I will find that I am not alone . That I am not crazy and that there are other people out there who are " not normal " right along with me and totally ok with it . I encourage comments and discussion and am open to suggestions for topics . : - )

Posted on February 24 , 2014 by C Reply Just returned from the vet , where my 17 - month - old pup spent the day for observation due to a bowel obstruction that looks suspiciously like a bent juice box straw . With a bill surpassing $ 1 , 000 , I 'm just glad that - for now - she appears to be improving . Just praying that with the prescribed bland diet , this all will pass without the need for surgery . I write here in this blog - and repeatedly tell my clients - to supervise their children with their dogs every time they are together . But what about younger dogs in a household with children ? Apparently I dropped the ball for just a moment too long . Long enough for the dog to ingest a juice box straw that I didn 't see my daughter drop ( Dropped ball # 1 ) . She did , shortly thereafter , ask for another straw , which I gave her , but I didn 't think about why she needed it . ( Dropped ball # 2 - always ask why ! She mentioned something about the other straw having broken . I should not have assumed she threw the broken one in the trash . ) I recognize that unless one is fortunate enough to have a full - time housekeeper , it can be next to impossible to have a 100 % immaculate home along with children and dogs . Things will be dropped to the ground , and sometimes , it may take a few minutes ( or longer ) before they are properly put away . Although well - trained , adult dogs can usually handle not getting into the kids ' things , younger or adolescent dogs may find this too difficult . Ironically , just a few months ago , I shared a link about all the crazy things that dogs ingest . Sad as this is , I find some comfort in knowing that I 'm not the only one with a mischievous puppy who managed to get a hold of the wrong thing . And I have friends , too , whose pups have gotten into things including a kitchen knife and a needlepoint needle . Whether or not you have children , the lesson is that puppies must continue to be supervised or confined ! This is not just to keep your home safe , but to keep them safe from potentially dangerous items in your home . Even juice box straws . I recently received an email from a colleague out of state , in a quandary over a client who was looking at euthanizing their one - year - old Border collie due to incidents of nipping . They currently have four children , and the dog is nervous , and has nipped people on several occasions . From my understanding , based on the email thread that was sent to me , the dog has not caused any serious damage , and all bites where on a Level 2 of Ian Dunbar 's Dog Bite Scale . This means that the dog has caused minor scratches or cuts not requiring medical attention . Tesla also exhibited herding behaviors , which included nipping at Shelby 's clothing and legs whenever she ran . I re - emphasized the rule : " No running when you are with the pup " , and between that rule , very close supervision , and several well - executed time outs , Tesla is no longer nipping at Shelby ! ! In fact , Shelby is now able to run around the yard with Tesla without incident - needless to say , they remain closely supervised ! Recently , Kelly Gorman Dunbar wrote a fabulous article for Bay Woof magazine about how to choose your ideal dog . If you already have a high - energy dog and are experiencing challenges , contact a qualified trainer for assistance . But if you haven 't yet chosen your next pooch , please carefully consider your choice ! If you do not have the hours each day that it takes to mentally and physically wear out a high energy Border collie or Australian shepherd , consider a quieter breed instead . Many calmer dogs can still make nice sports dogs while not requiring that your life revolve around them ! Posted on February 22 , 2013 by C Reply We had a lovely Flyball demonstration at the Cow Palace a couple of weeks ago , in conjunction with the Golden Gate Kennel Club Dog Show . As part of the demonstration , our daughter had the opportunity to compete in " singles " racing with a teammate 's dog . ( Singles in Flyball is one - on - one racing , rather than the usual relay - style racing which involves 4 - dog teams ) . I commented to colleagues that I was more proud and excited than I 'd ever been when racing new dogs , and the other moms agreed whole - heartedly . So I got to daydream that my kid would someday be a top dog trainer or a top competitor . Of course , I 'll be happy if she just ends up loving working with dogs as much as I do . In the past , I 've written that children should train dogs using only the most modern , reward - based methods . This is for many reasons , including that children 's timing may not be as good , and delivering an ill - timed reward would have far less negative impact than delivering an ill - timed " correction " . Furthermore , many dogs are not entirely comfortable with children in the first place , so it is doubly important that all interactions with them remain positive . We began Shelby 's training with my colleague 's dog , Solo , by having her simply make friends with him . He is a great and stable little dog , but was sometimes wary of children . So we had her throw balls for him on a weekly basis . Over time , he began to bring her balls to throw , and eventually willingly engaged with her in a closely supervised game of tug . Using a toy that he 's accustomed to using , and on which he targets only the end piece , made this task easier and safer overall . Next , we had to teach them to stand at the starting line together . As you can see , we had Shelby simply put her hand on Solo 's head , while his owner actually held him . This reduced the likelihood of him attempting to take off running with Shelby still holding onto his collar . Choosing the appropriate dog for a child is also important . In addition to being a stable , well - trained dog , Solo is also small enough for Shelby to handle safely . His natural way of tugging is to hold the very end of his toy , so there is little chance of him accidentally biting her fingers during the game . There are many dogs , including two of our own , whom I would never trust in a tug game with a child due to the possibility of little fingers getting too close to teeth . In fact , outside of this type of very closely controlled setting , I recommend strongly against the tug game between children and dogs . Involving children in dog sports offers so many benefits , including many of the same rewards as other sports , such as learning to cooperate , being a good sport whether winning or losing , and learning how to be competitive . It also involves risks not so inherent in many other sports , and thus must be undertaken with more care and thoughtfulness . Nevertheless , it can be extremely rewarding for everyone involved . I , for one , look forward to more years of Shelby competing with us , though I recognize that she may eventually decide that Mom is just not cool enough to hang out with and decide to go off to a sport of her choosing . Posted on February 7 , 2013 by C Reply Yes , you read that right . Our almost 3 - year - old daughter just got her own crate to play in , and she couldn 't be happier . Note the smile on her face in the photo . It started just a few weeks ago , when she figured out that one of our dogs ' crates had an easy - to - open door . Shadow , the quietest , calmest Border collie you 'll likely ever meet , was my husband 's dog originally , and is now Shelby 's dog in many ways . The two hang out together a lot : Shadow will seek Shelby out and lay down next to her . And when she approaches him , he closes the distance and often gently licks her face ( an act which used to upset my husband , but he 's since relaxed back into his dog - loving original self . ) Shadow responds appropriately to Shelby 's often cryptic commands , both verbal and hand signals , and wags his tail happily when she gives him treats . His face was not so happy , however , the other day when I turned away for 15 seconds and turned back to see Shelby squished into his crate with him . The look on his face was a mix of despair and " help me , please " . I promptly called him out of his crate , which he reluctantly did , and invited him to lay next to me on the couch instead . Shelby opted to stay in his crate and take her afternoon nap there , face down . Hmmm … I had a conversation about this with our roommate , my good friend , and she reminded me of how much fun " forts " were to make when we were younger . We recalled the various ways in which we had made forts for ourselves when we were kids , and it occurred to both of us that perhaps Shelby really needs a fort of her own . Since there is never a shortage of extra crates in our household , we thought , what better option than to give her Shadow 's old crate , which we knew was already comfortable for her ? When I asked Shelby if she 'd like her own crate to hang out in , her face lit up like a Christmas tree . She was so excited that she helped me to clean and scrub it , then put her own big blanket in it . She could hardly wait to cram all of her favorite toys ( mostly stuffed animals ) into it , and crawl in alongside them to hang out . Problem solved … unless CPS comes calling ? Hopefully they are dog - lovers with crate trained dogs , and then they will certainly understand ! So now Shelby gets to hang out in her crate and Shadow has his hallowed den back as his safe space to get away from the kiddo if he needs to . But best of all , his crate door latches solidly shut so that I can comfortably leave the room if I 'm doing chores without worrying about how Shelby might annoy him next . Sigh … peace … at least for now . Posted on January 15 , 2013 by C Reply Wow - it 's been a crazy holiday season ! Lots of work , lots of play , some short travels , plenty of time with relatives and not quite enough time with some friends … It is certainly good to be back in the swing of regular work ! Through the holidays , as we were visiting people and their pets across the state , a constant challenge we faced was the kiddo doing whatever she could to get our attention . At one point , I recall reminding my husband to ignore her for something annoying but harmless that she was repeatedly doing to gain our attention . " Bad attention is better than no attention at all . " Sure enough , we walked away from her and it stopped … then she went on to the attention getting thing . Rewarding for the good things , ignoring the bad , attention - seeking behavior is something that can work for both children and dogs . Recently , a colleague posted a note to our group seeking recommendations to divert a child who was repeatedly pestering her elderly dog . This is a child who has been taught since infancy what is appropriate and inappropriate with dogs , and could explain it to you if you asked . However , after some discussion within the group , someone suggested that it may be attention getting behavior on the part of the child . Bingo ! There is a 9 - month - old sibling as well as multiple dogs in the household with whom to compete for attention , and this appeared to be a successful attention - getting tactic , much to mom 's dismay . So mom determined that discussion - free time - outs would follow , along with diversionary tactics to give the child the attention she was seeking for doing appropriate behaviors . How often I tell people in basic dog training courses to remember to reward the appropriate behaviors and ignore attention - seeking behaviors . This does not mean to ignore all bad behaviors ; of course , if a puppy is destroying furniture , then a sharp interruption followed by a redirection would be better suited to protecting the furniture as well as the well - being of the pup . However , there are so many things that our kids and our dogs do to get our attention , with the thought that " bad attention is better than no attention at all . " Yet , sometimes , ignoring the attention seeking behavior can prove extremely challenging . For the child who is screaming , or dog who is barking for attention , ignoring it could lead to a serious headache before the behavior finally goes away . What 's more , before a behavior disappears permanently , the appearance of an extinction burst may occur . An extinction burst is a sudden increase in the undesired behavior , or sometimes , a recurrence of the behavior after it appeared to have been extinct already . This is a natural part of the training process , and if the trainer or parent is consistent in not inadvertently rewarding the unwanted behavior , it will eventually go away completely . I have used this process with dogs as well as with my daughter with great success , though that extinction burst can be an exhausting challenge ! So , if your child or dog , or both of them together , are doing annoying or inappropriate things just to get your attention , take a breath and remember to ignore it ( or give a silent , non - interactive time - out . ) To quote Edward Counsel : " Patience is stronger than force . " As challenging as patience can be sometimes , I will do all I can to remember that . Posted on December 18 , 2012 by C 20 Recently - as happens at least weekly - I came across yet another of those " adorable " photos of a child mistreating a dog , with a caption to the effect of " what a great dog " he was to have such patience with the baby . The poor dog in this particular photo was clearly tolerating the smooch of a toddler who appeared to be grabbing part of the dog 's eye with his little baby fingers . While we professional trainers were up on our high horses , discussing how ridiculous people are in allowing such risky behavior to continue , it occurred to me that even if the dog were completely safe with the children - as some extremely tolerant dogs seem to be - why aren 't the people concerned about the treatment of the dogs themselves ? A couple of weeks ago , I wrote a piece in my High Drive Dogs Blog about what I call " respecting " your dog , that is , recognizing dog body language and allowing your dog to get out of uncomfortable situations whenever possible . Now it occurs to me that perhaps this article missed a large piece of its mark . To quote my esteemed colleague and kids and dogs expert , Madeline Clark Gabriel , I ask why the definition of a good dog is often , ' You can do anything to him . ' That wouldn 't make any sense if phrased in terms of other relationships : ' I have a really good wife . You can do anything to her . ' Creepy ! In my home , we work constantly to teach our daughter to respect the dogs and other pets in our household ( which include cats , turtles , and fish . ) We reward her for appropriate behaviors , and sternly remind her to be nice when she makes a mistake . She is never allowed to pull hair , tails and ears ; never allowed to hit or shove them ; never allowed to sit upon them ( I know one dog who sustained a back injury due to a child sitting upon him . ) I find it troubling that some people are so determined to prove how great their dogs are , that they seem to forget that these dogs have feelings too ! And I don 't mean just emotions , but physical feelings of pain and discomfort . Granted , sometimes we don 't have a choice but to suffer discomfort or pain , as with doctor visits or vaccines , but when we can prevent discomfort , why don 't we ? I tell my clients not to allow their children to do anything to a dog that they wouldn 't allow done to themselves . Would you let a child pull your earlobe until it hurt ? Or bite your forehead with his little baby teeth ? I can tell you that my tolerance for that would be low . Of course , I wouldn 't injure the child , but I would make it stop and redirect the child to something less painful , such as chewing on a teething ring . Similarly , if you see a child doing something like this to your dog , redirect the child . If your dog learns that you will step in to protect him , then he will not need to ever defend himself , and he will be able to remain the great dog that you know him to be . Posted on December 4 , 2012 by C Reply I was out with my 2 - 1 / 2 year old the other day , walking across a big open space when two other small children ran by her . She immediately forgot about me and started to chase the other girls . As I watched her in surprise , I was reminded of a similar incident that I observed with a friend several years ago , as she was running her dog along an agility course . The dog was running perfectly , following every cue , until a low - flying crow crossed her path . As if caught on a hook , she instantly forgot her handler and followed the crow as it flew to the other side of the field . She only stopped because there was a fence at the end . I know how much people hate it when we compare children to dogs , yet we are constantly reminded of how similar their reactions can be . When working with my clients and their dogs , one of the mantras that I continually repeat is that they have to do what they can to remain " more interesting than dirt " to their dogs . We all know how interesting dirt can be , with all its smells and hidden information to them . As it turns out , with children , we may not be competing with dirt , but definitely with the environment . Going for walks through the neighborhood , the dogs stop to smell every bush and leaf that we pass , checking their " pee - mail " as many people lightheartedly say . The youngster stops at each flower , or to pick up pretty rocks or cool sticks along the way . To keep her interest and keep her moving along , I tell her stories and point out other interesting things further along the path . And there is plenty of praise to reinforce her for moving along and following my instruction . Similarly , when my dogs are moving along on a loose leash , I reinforce them with plenty of praise and positive feedback . Of course , it 's may be more intuitive to play with human children than with dogs , since we are humans after all , adapted to rearing children . But the concepts are similar . I tell people to play with their dogs in order to strengthen the bond , and thus have dogs that want to work for them and are more focused . As parents , we are encouraged to play with our children as well , to improve our relationships and help them feel special . I have noticed that , outside of our close family , the people whom our daughter most enjoys are those who play little games with her or do interactive things with her . So get out there and play with your dogs and your kids ! There are games and activities that you can all play together , such as fetch . Whatever you do , have fun and you 'll find that your kids and your dogs will prefer your company over others . Posted on November 16 , 2012 by C Reply In my dog training business , I 'm often asked about how to handle " stubborn " dogs . To such questions , I always reply that the dogs are not likely to be stubborn , but rather , insufficiently motivated . While we are more likely to insist that our children do things that they don 't want to do , I believe that the manner of convincing them can be similar in many situations . I remember years ago , at my niece 's birthday party at around 6 years of age , someone gave her a gift with a lot of that Styrofoam popcorn in it . Like a typical 6 - year - old , she purposely emptied it all over the living room floor . From then on , every bit of paper and wrapper and packing material was strewn on the floor . It was quite a mess , and I was thinking that my poor sister would have to clean it up when she called everyone 's attention . Handing out two large bags , she challenged the boys versus the girls to see who could pick up the most trash off the floor . Within about one minute , the floor was completely cleaned , and the winning team enjoyed their special toys shortly thereafter . This was not about force , but about motivation ! In traditional ( old school ) training , " correction collars " were used to convince the dog that doing the wrong thing is bad , therefore they should do the right thing . But , we have since learned , that this is going about it wrong ! ( Pun intended . ) What do you suppose would have happened if my sister had threatened the kids with a punishment ( i . e . no cake ) if they had not picked up the wrappings ? I suspect that they would still have picked it up , but I 'm also quite certain that they would not have done so in record time . Training is about motivation ; motivation can be in the form of punishment or rewards , and both can be effective . However , as demonstrated above , motivation by potential rewards often produces much more enthusiastic results , with learners who are more inclined to do what you ask the next time because it was so much fun the last time . And this doesn 't just apply to children , but to dogs ( and other species ) as well . A common misconception among trainers who do not understand modern methods is that positive equals permissive , but this need not be the case ! Rewarding good behavior does not mean that we cannot punish bad behavior . However , rewarding good behavior should reduce the incidents of bad behavior , and thus allow us to punish less . Furthermore , punishment does not need to be physical or painful in order to work , as evidenced by the power of time outs , or removal of rewards , for both children and dogs . Whether you are working with children , dogs , chickens , cats , turtles … consider your tactic the next time you meet any resistance . I 'm not saying to become permissive , but remember to reward the positive , and , whenever possible , encourage rather than coerce . Then you 'll be well on your way to getting enthusiastic responses to your requests from the two legged as well as the four legged members of your family . Posted on November 8 , 2012 by C Reply With the holidays fast approaching , and many children 's movies premiering , we have been considering taking our 2 ½ - year - old daughter to a movie theater for the first time . I 'm apprehensive about her attention span , which often appears to be about that of a butterfly , though she has been improving since beginning preschool . Keeping her seated throughout an entire family meal , for instance , is a constant battle , as is sitting through a church service . The topic of short attention spans does not escape my dog loving friends , either . While older dogs may be able to focus in on things for longer periods , younger dogs are often flighty and it can be a challenge to maintain their focus . Put young children together with young dogs and the challenge more than doubles ! To my students , I recommend that they keep their dogs ' training sessions to a maximum of 3 - 5 minutes in length . While many dogs can concentrate for longer than that , the majority - particularly the younger dogs - start to show what we call " displacement behaviors " such as scratching at imaginary fleas , or suddenly finding some interesting smell on the ground directly in front of them when they are feeling overly pressured . Additionally , for the dog to want to work , it is ideal to keep sessions short , leaving the dog wanting more , rather than working them to mental exhaustion . Similarly , time outs , for those who use them , should also be relatively short . For a child , it is recommended to time them out for as many minutes as their age in years . For dogs , a 30 - second to 2 - minute time out suffices . Given that dogs are estimated to have the intelligence of approximately two - year - old children , this certainly makes sense . But what about working with children and dogs together ? When I take my daughter to sports practices such as agility and flyball , I make certain to bring a variety of toys along to keep her entertained . For while she loves watching the dogs work , she can only focus on them for so long before she becomes bored and looks for other things to do . So I do my best to divide my time between her and the dogs so that I can keep everyone appropriately occupied throughout the training sessions . As mentioned above , to teach my dogs to increase their attention spans , I try to leave them wanting more of the things that I like to do with them , such as flyball , agility , and tug games . I 'm not certain that this will work with a toddler , but it is a harmless tactic that may be worth a try . Meanwhile , I 'll monitor her attention span , along with my dogs ' , and attempt not to bore them all too much with my desire to keep on working . Posted on October 26 , 2012 by C Reply Well , I 'm finally back at the top of my game , after over two weeks of being on - and - off sick as a dog , following a flu shot , which turned into what I called the " fake flu " . As if that weren 't enough , as I was recovering from that , I got a nasty cold that ended up derailing everyone in my household along with me . Fortunately , the kiddo got the least of it , and her reaction to the flu shot was not nearly as bad as mine . While I was barely able to keep up with my regular work , much less my writing , I did have plenty of time to reflect on illness and training . Back in my single days , I remember getting ill with a flu that knocked me down for 4 days - VERY long , considering that I don 't usually get that sick , flu shots notwithstanding . On the third day , as I was lying on the couch wishing for the fever to finally break , my border collie , Claire , decided that she needed to play . When dancing her front feet on the couch next to my head proved ineffective , she took to dropping a Kong toy on my head . I 'd like to say that was also ineffective , but I 'd be lying , as it did serve to get me up and start a ball - throwing game in the yard with her despite myself . While children may not be quite as bad - and mine does show sympathy for other people 's " owies " - most still don 't have a complete appreciation for Mommy 's ( or Daddy 's ) illness . On the day after our flu shots , our 2 - year - old was feeling as down and out as I was , so we spent the day on the couch together , sleeping off the mild fever . Recovering quickly , she was raring to go the next day . Unfortunately for me , I came down with the bad cold several days later , and needed to spend another day off resting ( which those who know me understand to be a rarity . ) I am convinced that if it had not been for my husband 's intervention , our kid would have been dancing on my head to get me to play with her , too . The fact is that parents - and particularly parents with additional jobs outside the home - don 't get the luxury of taking a lot of sick days . I have made meals , cleaned the house , fed the dogs and other beasts , responded to emails , and even taught dog training classes while feeling under the weather . It 's just something that I assume as my responsibility , and so I take it . I have a hard time explaining to people that I am a full - time mom during the weekdays and full - time business owner during evenings and weekends . Add dogs to the mix , and the schedule does not get any easier . The upside is that I love all that I do ; I love being Mom to our little girl , I love being a " dog - mom " , and I love the work that I do as a professional dog trainer and behavior counselor . So I suck it up and power through at times , with the trade - off being that I seldom feel like complaining about having to go to work , or having to clean up after a messy youngster . Life , overall , is good , and I am , for the most part , happy for the paths that I have chosen .

I should have posted this long ago , but time seems to move fast these days . To make things easier and ' fit the norm ' , I set up a CaringBridge site so friends and family can keep track of me . I started post there right after I stopped here , so there is no break in the action . Please feel free to take a look here : https : / / www . caringbridge . org / visit / nate - althoff So almost 2 weeks have passed , just trying to get caught up now . The 2nd day of chemo went pretty uneventfully . Katie took me to treatment and waited till I got hooked up , then had to get to work . This was the R in the R - CHOP mixture , and this was the one they had to monitor the most closely due to possible allergies and reactions . They started me off with some Benadryl , then plugged me into the real meds . I dozed a bit here and there , but for the most part just sat in the chair all day . I was hooked up by 8 : 30 I think and wasn 't done until 3 : 45pm . My sister Steph came by to give me a ride home , but it was hard to judge when I 'd be done so she was there early and just kind of hung out . I was supposed to go to my follow up appointment for my blood clot afterwards , but they said they could reschedule until Friday morning since it would have been after 4 by the time I got there . So Steph took me home and dropped me off . I wasn 't feeling terrible , mostly just tired and ' heavy ' . It was a weird feeling . I spent most of the evening in bed . Friday morning , I got up and was able to drive to my doctor 's appointment . I started off with an ultrasound and then met with the surgeon that cleaned out my leg a couple weeks before . The surgeon had bad news . My leg was clotting up again , basically from my knee to my hip just like before . I wasn 't in as much pain and could walk pretty well , so I was pretty disappointed . It meant another trip to the hospital and another surgery . After spending the prior 2 days at the clinic for infusion , I had a hard time with this . The surgeon noticed this and gave me the option of coming back on Monday morning to have my surgery . It meant being on bed rest all day Monday and the follow up surgery Tuesday , then going home after that . We had a lot going on Friday ( car in the shop , Girl Scout Cookies , etc ) , so I tried to finish things up and have a quiet weekend . We were scheduled to check in at 7am on Monday . Katie took me over and got me registered . I knew what to expect so I wasn 't too concerned , just wanted to get it started and get it over with . I was not looking forward to the clear liquid diet again . At this point , I was already down about 15 pounds . They wheeled me to the surgery room and I remember sliding over to the table and that was about it . I know I spent quite a while in the recovery section right after surgery as they were waiting for a room to open up . I slept through most of that and most of the early afternoon in my room . When I did come to , the nurses were checking me over and I think things went fine . I made sure to order my lunch ( chicken broth , jello , shaved ice and apple juice ) so I could be sure to get 2 meals in as room service closes at 7pm . I spent most of the afternoon watching tv , trying not to get too burnt out on one show . Katie came by with Eva and Robb later that evening while Nick and Alex were at Boy Scouts . They stayed for a while , but needed to get them home to bed so they took off around 8 : 30 . I tried to stay awake , but I think I nodded off not long after they left . I know I took some pain meds around 10 or 11 , and tried to sleep . Around 2am , the nurse woke me up and told me I had a fever of about 102 . She was going to page Penny ( my surgeon ) to see what he wanted to do . This part of the night was in and out . I know I was given some kind of meds for the fever , then had a portable x - ray come in . I decided not to try and stay awake in between , so I think I slept fairly well , all things considered . They had the fever under control and I think I woke up around 6 or 7 and waited for surgery . Again . They wheeled me down to the room again and everything went as planned . They removed the sheath and any remaining clot , but this time they inserted a stent to keep my vein open , which was the main cause of the clotting and all the swelling . The surgeon didn 't want to put one in , but he didn 't see a way around it as the chemo was supposed to shrink the nodes , but not very quickly . I woke up in my room again and waited to make sure everything was ok to go home . I called Katie when I was good to go and she was there in about 5 minutes as she works about a block away . She got me home and I went to bed . Katie figured this out later , but she was guessing it was the time in the treatment cycle where my blood cell counts were super low . Couple that with all of the blood they had to take out of me for the clot and I wasn 't doing well Tuesday night . I think I tried to make dinner , but am not sure . I was very confused , weepy and tired , and then got winded from going up and down the steps . I also had a rotten headache that wouldn 't let up . I was pretty grumpy too and snapped at Katie over something , so she let me be . That went on thru Wednesday night as well , so we 'll see if this is the normal part of the treatment cycle or not . I was pretty miserable though , as I wasn 't sleeping well either . Thursday came along and my headache was gone , or at least toned down a bit . I was able to work for a short time in the afternoon and even went into the office on Friday morning . It felt great to do something and see everyone again . I made it till about noon on Friday and went home . I worked a bit from home that afternoon , but was pretty much spent . It still felt good though . We had a fairly quiet weekend . Katie had to work most of Saturday so we were around the house , and I made it to church on Sunday so that was nice . I 've been working every day this week so far so that has been great . Probably doing a bit too much , but enjoying it while I can . It 's great to get hours in again too , will definitely help the paycheck . Katie had arranged to take the day off and my dad stuck around to sit with me for the first treatment too . We were there and 8am and ran into our neighbors . After that , we went downstairs to get started . I basically sat in chair and they hooked me up to IV 's via my med port in my chest . They were able to get three of the meds in thru the port for the day , then the fourth is in pill form for the next 5 days . There was a hold up on one of the meds due to insurance being slow in allowing it , but it came through right before we got started . They decided since the one med is toughest and can potentially cause the most problems , that I 'd come back tomorrow ( Thursday ) and take that one separately . They started pushing pre - meds to make things easier , then got me going on the real stuff . It went just fine . It was long and boring , so I felt bad Katie and dad had to sit around and stare at me . I was a little sore around my port and had a headache , but for the most part it was uneventful , which was just fine with me . Things ended quietly and we were on our way about 1 : 30 . Dad said he 'd spring for lunch so we went to the Ground Round in Fargo . It was nice catching up with dad and just being up . I still felt good , but on the way home I could feel thing happening . It felt like my headache was getting worse and there was a fog rolling in on my brain . We made it home and I went to bed . I slept restlessly for about 2 hours and then was up . I took the meds I needed and pretty much stayed in bed until bed time . I did have some ice cream and a chicken pot pie for dinner , which tasted amazing . I 'm hoping I will get to keep most of my tastes , but am not banking on it . Katie and I watched an X - Men movie we hadn 't seen before after that . She didn 't get to see much since the kids were all over the place , but it was nice to relax a bit after a long day with her . On Tuesday , we were set to get the results from all the stuff leading up till now . I was feeling decent so I decided to try and drop Robb off and daycare and go to work for a little while . It was nice to see most of the guys again . It had been nearly 2 weeks I think since I 've been into the office . I sat in on the daily stand - up and actually worked for almost an hour before I had to go to the oncologist . It was nice being normal for a short time , but my leg did take the brunt of it . It was pretty swollen by the time I got checked in for my appointment . The appointment kind of filled in the gaps . My oncologist explained that I wasn 't eligible for the trial out of the U of M , so it was good we weren 't banking on that as an option . He told us the bone marrow biopsy returned negative , so that is a good thing . It means the cancer hasn 't spread into the blood . He did say the cancer is contained to my lymph nodes but has taken over some of the muscle tissue in my right thigh . For the most part , this is good news . While it has spread , it is still fairly contained and is treatable . He says I have a 50 - 60 % chance of beating it , so that is good enough for me . We finalized a few things about starting chemo and we were off . I drove home and Katie went back to work . She has been amazing through this whole process . Extremely supportive and keeping me on track . I wouldn 't be getting through this without her . When I got home , I slept . I was hoping to work a bit more for the day , but the adrenaline dump and being up and about for so long wore me down . I ventured out later that night to Nick 's Cub Scout Blue & Gold Banquet . This is the high - point of his time as a Cub Scout . He got to cross over to Boy Scouts tonight . Originally , I wasn 't sure if I 'd make it but I was determined to be there for Nick and the other boys in his den . My dad even drove up , so he got to see how it worked and see both boys in uniform . It started with dinner and a presentation to raise money for the local District , then it was time for the Arrow of Light and Bridging Ceremonies . I 've been through it with Alex before and seen a few , but it is still a big deal to see the boys moving on . I was den leader for these boys for the last few years . We had a few leave and a new one joined , but we finished the year with 7 Scouts in our den , 5 of which have crossed over to Boy Scouts . I 'm happy for all 7 and very proud of how hard they worked . I really had a great time helping out . So Monday rolls around . This is the last test I needed before starting treatment , so I was anxious to get it done . This is the test I was supposed to have last Monday , but was laid up elsewhere in the hospital . My sister drove me today since I wasn 't too sure about driving yet . I was checked in by 1 and waited to go back . I wasn 't sure what to expect . Normal heart tests for me were running on a treadmill and getting worked up . For this one , it was a lot easier . They took some blood from me , put some radioactive stuff in it , plugged it back into my arm and then they had me sit still for 10 minutes while they scanned my heart . So they did just that . I think I dozed off ( again ) during the scan , but I was able to stay still . After 10 minutes , I was up and on the way home . I was able to work for a little while in the afternoon , but again it was tough . Hard to stay focused , hard just to stay awake . But I got a few things done so it felt good . I was able to try driving Monday night . Alex had a troop meeting and he 'd missed the last 2 because of my stuff , so I wanted to get him there . It wasn 't easy , but I got him there in one piece . It was about a mile and a half away , so not far . But it was tough handling the way my leg had to bend to get to the pedals . I 'm really ready to get this swelling out of here and move on . Test results today ( Tuesday ) , so I 'll check back in later . Thursday was a pretty quiet day . I tried to get some work done and managed a couple hours , but was struggling . The next day was the port placement . We had to check in by 7 : 15 so we arranged to drop Robb off early . It was similar to the node surgery a couple weeks ago . Same check - in process , same location , even the same doctor . We sat in the prep room and waited while they did their prep stuff . I even got a semi chest shave ; at least they went all the way across so I wasn 't uneven . They wheeled me back to the next prep area and Katie and I hung out for a bit . Again , just like the node surgery . I wasn 't feeling too worried . It seemed like a straight forward procedure , lots of people have had it done and , most importantly to me , is that it was another step in the road to start treatment . The nurse came back to get me and wheeled me into the operating room . I remember climbing over to the table and laying down , and that was about it . Whatever stuff they put in , really does the trick . I remember waking up in the recovery room with Katie and trying to figure out where I was . Everything seemed to go fine . They made two incisions , one at the top of my right peck and that 's where they inserted the port . From what they tell me , they then ran a little tub toward my neck ( over my collar bone ) and tied it into the vein in my neck ( where there is another incision ) . I was pretty sore Friday afternoon , but I was home by noon . I was hoping to work a bit , but ended up sleeping most of the day . It felt like when I was a kid and my brother Mike would punch me in the shoulder . But constant . Not terrible but uncomfortable . And having the port under my skin was creepy as anything . I spent the weekend recovering and felt pretty good . I was walking better and with a little less pain , but my leg is still really swollen and my knee is still hard to move . But walking better definitely helps . Sunday went by quietly as well . It was just a relief to be at home and not have to lie still in bed . It was nice being home . The hardest part of the hospital was the time to think . You can only watch so many episodes of Moonshiners before you start wondering if you could run a still in your back yard . I kept coming back to the fact that being stuck in the hospital for so long , all the pain , all the time away from home . All of that had happened and I hadn 't even started treatment for the cancer . That was what bothered me the most . This was all just trying to fix some side - effect . Trying to stay positive knowing that wasn 't easy . So Wednesday went about as planned . Prior to the whole blood clot thing , I had been scheduled to get a PET scan Wednesday morning . We got there nice and early for that again . I was still in pain walking , but I had my walker and hoofed it through the hospital to get to the room . We ran into the surgeon that did one of my surgeries and said hi . I wasn 't struggling a bit so I just wanted to keep moving . They do the PET scans in a trailer that is outside of the hospital itself . It was pretty cool , kind of a self - contained area . They shot me up with some radioactive stuff and I had to sit still for an hour . No phone , no tablet , no nothing . It was nice , but still tough sitting up . I dozed a bit , and then it was my turn . Things are always a tight fit for me . They got me wedged in there and started the scan . It was supposed to run for about 30 minutes due to my size . I crawled in and waited . I got moved back and forth a few times and probably fell asleep , but it went well . Compared to the last week or so , it was a piece of cake .

Samantha 's husband has left her , and after a spree of overcharging at Tiffany 's , she settles down to reconstruct a life for herself and her eleven - year - old son . Her eccentric mother tries to help by fixing her up with dates , but a more pressing problem is money . To meet her mortgage payments , Sam decides to take in boarders . The first is an older woman who offers sage advice and sorely needed comfort ; the second , a maladjusted student , is not quite so helpful . A new friend , King , an untraditional man , suggests that Samantha get out , get going , get work . But her real work is this : In order to emerge from grief and the past , she has to learn how to make her own happiness . In order to really see people , she has to look within her heart . And in order to know who she is , she has to remember - and reclaim - the person she used to be , long before she became someone else in an effort to save her marriage . Open House is a love story about what can blossom between a man and a woman , and within a woman herself . Oh , my heart . I love this author 's ability to write characters and Sam was uncomfortably vulnerable and real . I felt every emotion , good and bad , that she had . " You know before you know , of course . You are bending over the dryer , pulling out the still - warm sheets , and the knowledge walks up your backbone . You stare at the man you love and you are staring at nothing ; he is gone before he is gone . " " . . . I remove my wedding rings and put them in my jewelry box . So many others have done this . I am not the only one . I am not the only one . But here , I am the only one . " A Nix can take many forms . In Norwegian folklore , it is a spirit who sometimes appears as a white horse that steals children away . In Nathan Hill 's remarkable first novel , a Nix is anything you love that one day disappears , taking with it a piece of your heart . It 's 2011 , and Samuel Andresen - Anderson - college professor , stalled writer - has a Nix of his own : his mother , Faye . He hasn 't seen her in decades , not since she abandoned the family when he was a boy . Now she 's reappeared , having committed an absurd crime that electrifies the nightly news , beguiles the internet , and inflames a politically divided country . The media paints Faye as a radical hippie with a sordid past , but as far as Samuel knows , his mother was an ordinary girl who married her high - school sweetheart . Which version of his mother is true ? Two facts are certain : she 's facing some serious charges , and she needs Samuel 's help . " If Samuel had know his mother was leaving , he might have paid more attention . He might have listened more carefully to her , observed her more closely , written certain crucial things down . Maybe he could have acted differently , been a different person . " Any problem you face in a video game or in life is one of four things : an enemy , obstacle , puzzle , or trap . . . You have to be careful , Pwnage said , with people who are puzzles and people who are traps . A puzzle can be solved but a trap cannot . Usually what happens is you think someone 's a puzzle until you realize they 're a trap . But by then it 's too late . That 's the trap . " In the basement of her Brooklyn apartment , Sima Goldner welcomes women of all shapes and sizes with warmth , acceptance - and a bra that gives them the support and lift they need . But Sima , regretfully childless at sixty , and harboring a secret that has embittered her marriage , can 't seem to do the same for herself . Then Timna , a young Israeli with enviable cleavage , arrives in search of a demi - cup and stays on to become the shop 's seamstress . As they laugh , gossip , and sell lingerie , Sima finds herself awakening to hope and the possibility of happiness in this beguiling story of New York 's underground sisterhood , and one woman 's second chance . I learned a new word and I love it ! " Sabra : the tough cactus hide , the juice of the fruit : prickly on the outside but sweet on the inside " . It was used to describe a person with a tough exterior but nice once you got to know them . This was perfect for reading as I was traveling . There was a part in the middle that made me super uncomfortable because I thought Sima was going to make an irreversible mistake but she didn 't call and it turned out okay . Hailey and Tries have been best friends since the second grade . Twenty - one - years later , they are moving from Virginia to California for a fresh start . Road trips can be tiring , especially when the person you 're traveling with is irritating you . Hailey tries her best to have fun with Triss like they used to , but it gets harder with each passing day . Some people just don 't know when to grow up . Can their friendship survive everything it 's put through on their four day trip ? This light read kept my interest and was perfect for my plane ride . The time jumps kept things interesting but weren 't confusing . Each snippet was like a memory of their friendship so the book felt like a collection of short stories that have the same characters . Typically if there are only a few typos I can overlook them . However , I ended up knocking the book down a star because there were just too many . The spelling ( like ' steeling ' for ' stealing ' or ' infront ' as one word ) or wrong word ( like ' in ' for ' is ' ) feel nitpicky to point out but when it 's the wrong character 's name in two different places , that affects the story and overall there were just too many mistakes of different varieties to completely ignore . " Neither of them could forget the day they met . It was the beginning to the rest of their lives as far as either was concerned . They couldn 't even conceive what their lives would have been like if they had never met that snowy day in the second grade . " Just when Glennon Doyle Melton was beginning to feel she had it all figured out - three happy children , a doting spouse , and a writing career so successful that her first book catapulted to the top of the New York Times bestseller list - her husband revealed his infidelity and she was forced to realize that nothing was as it seemed . A recovering alcoholic and bulimic , Glennon found that rock bottom was a familiar place . In the midst of crisis , she knew to hold on to what she discovered in recovery : that her deepest pain has always held within it an invitation to a richer life . " We had to tell the truth , which was : " Actually , I 'm not fine . " But no one knew how to handle hearing that truth , so we found other ways to tell it . We used whatever else we could find - drugs , booze , food , money , our arms , other bodies . We acted out our truth instead of speaking it and everything became a godforsaken mess . But we were just trying to be honest . " " We begin to understand that to coparent is to one day look up and notice that you are on a roller coaster with another human being . You are in the same car , strapped down side by side and you can never , ever get off . There will never be another moment in your lives when your hearts don 't rise and fall together , when your minds don 't race and panic together , when your stomachs don 't churn in tandem , when you stop seeing huge hills emerge in the distance and simultaneously grab the side of the car and hold on tight . No one except for the one strapped down beside you will ever understand the particular thrills and terrors of your ride . " " He would not be able to explain that I named that kitten Miracle and that Miracle thought I was his mother . When I told Craig that story I knew it was important , but he didn 't . He smiled and nodded and then let it slip away . When I mentioned Miracle months later , Craig said , " Who is Miracle ? " His forgetfulness feels like carelessness , and his carelessness feels like rejection . What do I do ? Tell Miracle 's story again ? Do I say , The story I 'm about to tell is important to me . Please pay attention to me and remember it . Please keep this piece of me somewhere safe so we can build upon it ? Each day , we 're making sandcastles I know will be washed away . I long for something solid , lasting , strong between us . " " But since I am a mother , dramatic gestures are off - limits . I must be steady . I must be calm . I must think about my children , who haven 't yet seen the wave that 's about to hit . I must be the steadfast captain of our sinking ship . I must smile as we go down so everyone can drown peacefully . " " We either allow ourselves to feel the burn of our own pain or someone we love gets burned by it . Craig and I had spent our lives denying our pain , but that did not make is disappear . Since we refused to hold it , we passed it on to the people we loved . " " God created women as a Warrior . . . While those around them fall away , the women hold the sick and nurse the weak , put food on the table , carry their families ' sadness and anger and love and hope . They keep showing up for their lives and their people with the odds stacked against them and the weight of the world on their shoulders . They never stop singing songs of truth , love , and redemption in the face of hopelessness . They are inexhaustible , ferocious , relentless cocreatorrs with God , and they make beautiful worlds out of nothing . Have women been the Warriors all along ? " " We know what the world wants from us . We know we must decide whether to stay small , quiet , and uncomplicated or allow ourselves to grow as big , loud , and complex as we were made to be . Every girl must decide whether to be true to herself or true to the world . " " Any woman who doesn 't give a fuck is simply abandoning her soul to adhere to the rules . No woman on earth doesn 't give a fuck - no woman is that cool - she 's just hidden her fire . Likely , it 's burning her up . " " If you don 't remember half your life , does it even count ? Did you really live it ? I pass six more months of my life this way ; half alive . Half alive is all the alive I can take . " " While I 've been home changing diapers , doing dishes , and feeding our children , he 's been sleeping with other women . While I 've been begging my body to heal , he 's been lying down with other bodies . While I 've been apologizing for my inability to connect during sex , he 's been connecting with strangers . For years , he let me take all the blame . He let me cry on his shoulder and ask : What is wrong with me ? Why can 't I feel safe during sex ? He patted my head and said he didn 't know . He knew . He was the reason . " Okey Ndibe 's funny , charming , and penetrating memoir tells of his move from Nigeria to America , where he came to edit the influential - but forever teetering on the verge of insolvency - African Commentary magazine . It recounts stories of Ndibe 's relationships with China Achebe , Wole Soyinka , and other literary figures ; examines the differences between Nigerian and American etiquette and politics ; recalls an incident of racial profiling just 13 days after he arrived in the US , in which he was mistaken for a bank robber ; considers American stereotypes at Africa ( and vice - versa ) ; and juxtaposes African folk tales with Wall Street trickery . All these stories and more come together in a generous , encompassing book about the making of a writer and a new American . It was interesting because he made a note in the book that as time has passed since he was stopped by the police because they were looking for a bank robber and he fit the description ( basically , a black man ) , the tone in how he has told the story changed from dread to humor . He told that story in the reading I attended and it 's true that he made it light and humorous , as he did other events that must have been very difficult at the time . Keeping it light doesn 't mean he glosses over the struggles . It 's the talent of a true writer to make you think without beating you over the head with the lessons he / she wants you learn , and Okey is a phenomenal writer . A Few Quotes from the Book " The books and journalism I consumed fueled my desire to write . I needed writing badly , needed it to save me from a career in the corporate world that my studies would sentence me to . Bohemian at heart and by habit , I dreaded the prospect of a regular eight - to - five job . " " I sought to draw attention both to the rampancy of power abuse and to the repercussions of silence . Those who shut their eyes in order to see no evil , to denounce none , those who plug their ears and gag their mouths , should be under no illusion . They may delude themselves , but they cannot enter a plea of innocence in history 's great carnages , its galleries of gore and horrors . " The Hopi community of Awat ' ovi existed peacefully on Arizona 's Antelope Mesa for generations until one bleak morning in the fall of 1700 - raiders from nearby Hopi villages descended on Awat ' ovi , slaughtering their neighboring men , women , and children . While little of the pueblo itself remains , five centuries of history lie beneath the low rises of sandstone masonry , and theories about the events of that night are as persistent as the desert winds . The easternmost town on Antelope Mesa , Awat ' ovi was renowned for martial strength , and had been the gateway to the entire Hopi landscape for centuries . Why did kinsmen target it for destruction ? Drawing on oral traditions , archival accounts , and extensive archaeological research , James Brooks unravels the story and its significance . Mesa of Sorrows follows the pattern of an archaeological expedition , uncovering layer after layer of evidence and theories . Brooks questions their reliability and shows how interpretations were shaped by academic , religious and tribal politics . Piecing together three centuries of investigation , he offers insight into why some were spared - women , mostly , and taken captive - and others sacrificed . He weighs theories that the attack was in retribution for Awat ' ovi having welcomed Franciscan missionaries or for the residents ' practice of sorcery , and argues that a perfect storm of internal and external crises revitalized an ancient cycle of ritual bloodshed and purification . The description of the book , both from reading the summary and listening to the author speak at a reading , didn 't match what I actually read . It 's not necessarily a bad thing but it was dryer than I expected after his engaging talk about his research and I didn 't get the deeper layers of how this applies to the present day that he alluded to in the summary . There were some typos which surprised me since he 's a professor , especially with using " there " instead of " their " occasionally . " In the Euro - American mind , history marches from past to present . Each event - birth , death , marriage , divorce , war and peace - accrues in a sequence that shapes the next in knowable ways , although their precise relation may prove elusive . We attend to the past to better comprehend our present . Yet , invert this . What is our present were already active in our past ? What if our present is nothing more than a past foretold ? This swirl of cause and effect , effect as cause , not linear but cyclical and untethered from western time , more closely captures the way many Hopis understood ( and understand ) the ruination of Awat ' ovi Pueblo . " John Waters is putting his life on the line . Armed with wit , a pencil - thin mustache , and a cardboard sign that reads I ' M NOT PSYCHO , he is hitchhiking across America from Baltimore to San Fransisco , braving lonely roads and treacherous drivers . Before he leaves for this bizarre adventure , Waters fantasizes about the best and worst possible scenarios : a friendly drug dealer hands over piles of cash to finance films with no questions asked ; a demolition - derby driver makes a filthy sexual request in the middle of a race ; and a Kansas vice squad entraps him and throws him in jail . He may be the first hitchhiker ever who had an assistant make his signs . He didn 't sound pretentious when he said it , he just mentioned it as part of getting ready and it made me laugh because it was so unlikely . I was also surprised he 'd never heard of Outback Steakhouses before , I didn 't know they were a regional thing . Cora Blake never dreamed she 'd go to Paris . She 's hardly ever left the small fishing village where she grew up . Yet in the summer of 1931 , courtesy of the U . S . government , she joins hundreds of other Gold Star Mothers traveling to France to say a final goodbye to their fallen sons , American casualties of World War I who were buried overseas . Will this whole " which Mrs . Russell " subplot end up being necessary ? At first it just added confusion . And once it was settled , I missed the first Mrs . Russell we met ; she was a great character and I feel it was a missed opportunity for a different perspective not to follow her journey " The blue star symbolized hope and pride , one star for every family member in military service . . . Then one day they accepted the lonely task of replacing the blue star with one of gold . Gold meant sacrifice to the cause of liberty and freedom . It meant they were now Gold Star Mothers . They hadn 't asked for this , nor did they have any say in how it happened , but they had been given to bear the most violent and dark cost of the nation 's war . " " He believed in his country and his superiors , and that President Wilson had been correct when he said , " The world must be made safe for democracy - the right is more precious than peace , " so when [ the mothers ] settled down , he assumed his military posture in the front of the bus , and bravely met the expectations of the mothers in his care . His duty was to represent the army , not to rewrite history . But he could show it to them in a more gentle light . " " It doesn 't matter who he is . There are so many of them . Him . Me . Our movement together . Proof , I think again and again , of being worthwhile . Proof of being loved . " " I held off having sex before because I had the notion I would wait for love . I wasn 't sure I 'd ever be loved , and I was tired of waiting . If I can 't have love , I 'll take the next best thing - or at least the thing I figure might get me the love . " New London , Texas , 1937 . Naomi Vargas and Wash Fuller know about the lines in East Texas as well as anyone . They know the signs that mark them . At first I was concerned that I would get confused with the shift in perspective every few pages but I didn 't ( and especially liked " The Gang " as a narrator ) . It was hard to find places to stop because it was so readable and kept pulling me along , but I would have to take breaks because there was so much not being said and I needed time to absorb it . I also wanted to read it slower because I was so worried something was going to happen ; I 've seen what the consequences can be when a white girl wants to make trouble for a black boy during that time period . A shy girl from Queens , Suze Rotolo was the daughter of Italian working - class Communists . Growing up at the start of the Cold War and during McCarthyism , she inevitably became an outsider in her neighborhood and at school . Her childhood was turbulent , but Suze found solace in poetry , art , and music . In Washington State Park , in Greenwich Village , she encountered like - minded friends who were also politically active . Then one hot day in July 1961 , Suze met Bob Dylan , a rising young musician , at a folk concert at Riverside Church . She was seventeen , he was twenty ; they were young , curious , and inseparable . During the years they were together , Dylan was transformed from an obscure folk singer into an uneasy spokesperson for a generation . Suze Rotolo 's story is rich in character and setting , filled with vivid memories of those tumultuous years of dramatic change and poignantly rising expectations when art , culture , and politics all seemed to be conspiring to bring our country a better , freer , richer , and more equitable life . She writes of her involvement with the civil rights movement and describes the sometimes frustrating experience of being a woman in a male - dominated culture , before women 's liberation changed the rules for the better . And she tells the wonderfully romantic story of her sweet but sometimes wrenching love affair and its eventual collapse under the pressures of growing fame . She made a great point about our unrealistic standards for celebrities . " Artists we admire aren 't necessarily exemplary human beings just because they are exceptional in their chosen fields . Their art is the work offered for public consumption , and nothing else . " " There were so many talented people who practiced their art form and sharpened their skills during the period of the Greenwich Village renaissance of the sixties . To become a legend or star wasn 't always the point . Many did what they loved to do and became known for it far and wide , and others did what they loved to do and managed to make a living at it . Still others burned out and lost their way . " That must be why she missed the one wandering through the pet - food aisle of the San Diablo Wal - Mart . Unfortunately , he managed to catch her attention an hour later - when he crashed into the Connor house , intent on killing her . Now Kate has to clean up the mess in the kitchen , dispose of a dead demon , and pull together a dinner party that will get her husband elected county attorney - all without arousing her family 's suspicion . Worse yet , it seems the dead demon didn 't come alone . . . This book got off to a really bad start for me . Kate is extremely awkward in social situations and seems to make things harder than they have to be in a forced attempt by the author to add humor . I would 've given up by the second chapter if I didn 't have the need to finish every single book I start . The red herring involving one of her loved ones definitely threw me off track . I didn 't think the explanation given was enough to completely let him off the hook and I 'm not a fan of secrets . Her life is complicated enough without having to hide her job from such an important person - - I hope she tells him what 's going on in future books . I 'm willing to give the series one more book . If it focuses on the mystery like the second half , great . If not , fool me twice and I won 't read any further . A Few Quotes from the Book With the king sending more enemies to the block each day , Moss knows she can 't bear to be the executioner 's daughter any longer . She 's desperate to see the outside world , especially the River Thames , which flows just beyond the Tower 's walls . Even the chilling stories about the Riverwitch , who snatches children from the shore , won 't stop her . " And though the crowd pressed [ Moss ] from all sides , she caught a glimpse of the sprawling city beyond . It was smoke and shadows , dark as a cellar . A mystery . A place she would never go . Her world was the Tower . And the only time she set foot outside its walls was the slow walk to the scaffold on Execution Day . " " When your mother died , I promised I would keep you safe . That day , the day you were born , something was done . Something that cannot be undone . " From vampire exterminations to angels fighting demons , these five stories will entertain better than any DJ in a bad tux . No corsage or limo rental necessary . Just good , scary fun . Quote : " As for me , I haunted the halls like the living dead . I would have ditched , but then I 'd have been corralled by the counselor and forced to talk about my feelings . Which wasn 't going to happen . My grief was my own , a skeleton that would rattle forever within me . " Quote : " She 'd spent the three days following the convenience store incident in bed , curled in a ball , trembling . She told Kenzi she had the flu , but really what she had was terror . She was terrified of the powers she suddenly couldn 't restrain . " Quote : " No , she couldn 't force the humans to do anything . They had their innate free will , and so she could only tempt , could only suggest . Little things - high heels and seams and minor muscle groups - she could manipulate physically , but she could never force their minds . They had to choose to listen . And tonight , they were listening . " The sleepy Rocky Mountain town of Silverton , Colorado , hasn 't seen a murder in years , according to Pat Mahoney , the county coroner . So when his teenage daughter , Cameryn , asks if she can be his assistant - as preparation for a career in forensic pathology - he figures it 's a safe bet . But neither of them imagines that their first case will involve someone Cameryn 's [ sic ] knows . . . the fourth victim of a serial killer called the Christopher Killer . " The dead told a story that the pathologist , if she were good enough , could hear , and Cameryn wanted to be that person . She wanted to be the translator . And maybe , when she learned that language , she could in turn speak for herself . " After losing his wife at a young age , Malcolm dedicated himself to giving his two daughters the stable , predictable childhood he never had . But now nothing is predictable - not his young adult daughters , not himself , and certainly not Noah . Whether he 's attending class or rehearsing for the campus musical , Noah finds he 's often challenging everyone 's definition of gender . During the course of one semester , Noah 's and Malcolm 's lives become entwined in ways neither could have imagined . Told alternately from Malcolm 's and Noah 's perspectives , The Listener explores the ways in which we conceal and reveal our identities . As truth after truth is exposed , characters are forced to reconsider themselves and reorder their lives , with few easy answers to be found for anyone . The Listener is , ultimately , about the power of human connection and the many shapes that love can take . The book sucked me in right away and I was so uncomfortable reading it ( in a good way ) because I don 't like secrets and was waiting for something to blow up . It was actually cruising along as a 5 star read until it derailed in the final third . There were added wrinkles that didn 't seem necessary , like the author thought there wasn 't enough conflict ( there was ! ) and needed to add more . Malcolm 's fight with his daughters felt out of place , Leah had another crisis , and all the stuff with Gordon ? It just fell apart for me . " [ Noah ] hated that he was so permeable , as if his psyche was a common room where strangers roamed , freely stubbing out cigarettes on the furniture . That 's what was wrong with him . Not a gender confusion , but the fact that all of his borders were undefended . " In January 2011 , Neil Perryman set out on an insane quest to make his wife Sue watch every episode of the classic series of Doctor Who from the very beginning . Even the ones that didn 't exist any more . And so , over the next two and half years , Sue gamely watched them all : William Hartnell ( the Miserable Git ) ; Patrick Troughton ( the Scruffy Drunk ) ; Jon Pertwee ( the Pompous Tory ) ; Tom Baker ( the Mad One ) ; Peter Davison ( the Fit One ) ; Colin Baker ( the Court Jester ) ; Sylvester McCoy ( the Crafty Sod ) and Paul McGann ( the One - Night Stand ) . The result was a wildly successful and hilariously revealing blog called Adventures With the Wife in Space . But the adventure continues . From awkward years at school , terrified of giant insects , Daleks and rugby players , to even more awkward years as an adult , terrified of unexpected parenthood and being called a Whovian , here Neil tells the all too true story of life as a Doctor Who fan . Funny , honest and surprisingly brave , he also captures perfectly the joy - and fears - of sharing the thing you love with the people you love . I loved the interaction between him and his wife and once he actually got to the part in the book where they were watching the episodes I read it straight through . Unfortunately for me , that didn 't start until page 161 which felt like false advertising . And he started off that section by saying the reader should probably visit the blog for the full adventure . . . ummm , what 's the point of this book then ? Overall , disappointed with the book but would 've enjoyed his blog ( but do not plan to visit it now ) . I give the book pre - blog ( until p . 161 ) 2 stars and the blog ( the rest of the book ) 4 stars so I averaged it on Goodreads for a 3 star rating . A Few Quotes from the Book " So to recap : comedy shoes , Mr Logic hair , chronic acne and a big squashed nose . Where girls were concerned , I could ill afford the additional handicap of a deep enthusiasm for , and encyclopaedic knowledge of , Doctor Who . So Doctor Who had to go . " Charting the odyssey of this wise and sometimes wild child through three decades , Dow Mossman renders the shifting prospects of Dawes 's experience with a literary invention that is exceptional , captivating , and quite often breathtaking . The lyrical , pent - up exuberance of childhood summers on his tyrannical grandfather 's greyhound farm gives way in the middle of the book to the dangerous - and often vividly funny - eccentricities of Dawes 's brilliance and delinquency as he weathers the absurdities of Fifties adolescence in the American heartland . Ten years further on again , in the novel 's final turn , Dawes , unsettled and spiritually adrift , journeys to Mexico , struggling for sanity and survival as the distress and turbulence of the 1960s swirl around him . One star . I was really interested before reading ( Iowa connection , published in the 1970s , inspired a documentary ) but I gave up trying to follow what was going on . I actually liked the writing at times but I felt overwhelmingly uncomfortable and confused . After the first chapter I had no idea what was going on . I couldn 't tell what really happened and what was a dream or what was the present time and what was a memory . It was almost like short stories instead of one cohesive book . Summer Days and Summer Nights : Twelve Love Stories , written by twelve bestselling young - adult writers and edited by the international bestselling author Stephanie Perkins , will have you dreaming of sunset strolls by the lake . So set out your beach chair and grab your sunglasses . You have twelve reasons to soak up the sun and fall in love . As with any collection of stories by different authors , I 'm going to like some more than others . I made a few notes as I went along but don 't really have a lot of say . This would be a great beach read but is easily forgettable when it 's over ( other than introducing me to some authors I 'd like to read more from ) . Lots of first love , I will recommend this to my tween daughter because I imagine her reading and sighing through the whole thing . Quote from the Story : " Personally , I can 't imagine why anyone would want to build anything in Deadwood , Texas , which is true to its name . Leaving Deadwood is pretty much the best option out there . If you 're somebody who has options . " Quote from the Story : " She gave me a reassuring smile . I wondered if she practiced it in the mirror , her softest eyes and her gentlest grins , so she wouldn 't make her patients ' grief any worse . Such a careful operation it must have been . " Quote from the Story : " This girl had a sort of beauty that changed depending on the angle you viewed her . Looking at her one way , her features were as elegant and sharp as a blade . Looking at her another , her eyes blazed with an inner fire . As it happened , Arlo liked to play with both knives and matches . " Felt the most authentic . I 'm not sure what that says about me because it was also the saddest and least " romance " of them all . I will definitely read this author again . Quote from the Story : " Love . It 's such a bullshit word . She loves me , but that 's a different kind of love , and it 's not enough to make her stay . " Even though this was in the Adult Non - Fiction section of my library I had no hesitation reading this with my 10 year old and would say it 's very well suited to middle / upper elementary kids . Each person had a page of illustration and a page of text devoted to them and it was a great starting point for deeper conversations / research on the ones that interested her . I didn 't take notes on every letter / person but here are our thoughts . . . I didn 't know 10 out of the 26 women and it was troubling to me that most of the 10 were minorities ; I really need to brush up on some areas of the women 's rights movement . I knew the work of another 3 of the 26 but either didn 't know their name or didn 't know a woman was involved ( for example , I 've heard a lot about Cesar Chavez but didn 't know he actually co - created the United Farm Workers Association union with a woman , Dolores Huerta ) . So while the information was very basic , I learned many things as well . On Sonia Sotomayor ~ " I like her . She 's brave and I can 't get over how she gave herself shots ! " Forget being on the Supreme Court , it really really impressed Megan that she began giving herself insulin shots at a young age , haha ! The alphabet list of 26 things we can do to be rad was great as well . Megan asked me what my favorite piece of advice from the list was and I said Q for " Questions are awesome . Raise your hand and ask away ! " Hers was M for " Make mistakes , learn from them , and keep on trying . " I am married with 4 beautiful children . I 'm an avid reader of anything and everything , and I 'm a proud library supporter . About my reviews : While I have many , many opinions about what I read , I keep what I write brief and vague for a few reasons . First , I 'm much more comfortable talking than writing . Second , I 'm terrified of spoiling / altering someone 's experience and only have deep conversations about the book if I know the person has already read it , or if I know they have no intention of reading it and I just have to vent about something . View my complete profile

Samantha 's husband has left her , and after a spree of overcharging at Tiffany 's , she settles down to reconstruct a life for herself and her eleven - year - old son . Her eccentric mother tries to help by fixing her up with dates , but a more pressing problem is money . To meet her mortgage payments , Sam decides to take in boarders . The first is an older woman who offers sage advice and sorely needed comfort ; the second , a maladjusted student , is not quite so helpful . A new friend , King , an untraditional man , suggests that Samantha get out , get going , get work . But her real work is this : In order to emerge from grief and the past , she has to learn how to make her own happiness . In order to really see people , she has to look within her heart . And in order to know who she is , she has to remember - and reclaim - the person she used to be , long before she became someone else in an effort to save her marriage . Open House is a love story about what can blossom between a man and a woman , and within a woman herself . Oh , my heart . I love this author 's ability to write characters and Sam was uncomfortably vulnerable and real . I felt every emotion , good and bad , that she had . " You know before you know , of course . You are bending over the dryer , pulling out the still - warm sheets , and the knowledge walks up your backbone . You stare at the man you love and you are staring at nothing ; he is gone before he is gone . " " . . . I remove my wedding rings and put them in my jewelry box . So many others have done this . I am not the only one . I am not the only one . But here , I am the only one . " A Nix can take many forms . In Norwegian folklore , it is a spirit who sometimes appears as a white horse that steals children away . In Nathan Hill 's remarkable first novel , a Nix is anything you love that one day disappears , taking with it a piece of your heart . It 's 2011 , and Samuel Andresen - Anderson - college professor , stalled writer - has a Nix of his own : his mother , Faye . He hasn 't seen her in decades , not since she abandoned the family when he was a boy . Now she 's reappeared , having committed an absurd crime that electrifies the nightly news , beguiles the internet , and inflames a politically divided country . The media paints Faye as a radical hippie with a sordid past , but as far as Samuel knows , his mother was an ordinary girl who married her high - school sweetheart . Which version of his mother is true ? Two facts are certain : she 's facing some serious charges , and she needs Samuel 's help . " If Samuel had know his mother was leaving , he might have paid more attention . He might have listened more carefully to her , observed her more closely , written certain crucial things down . Maybe he could have acted differently , been a different person . " Any problem you face in a video game or in life is one of four things : an enemy , obstacle , puzzle , or trap . . . You have to be careful , Pwnage said , with people who are puzzles and people who are traps . A puzzle can be solved but a trap cannot . Usually what happens is you think someone 's a puzzle until you realize they 're a trap . But by then it 's too late . That 's the trap . " In the basement of her Brooklyn apartment , Sima Goldner welcomes women of all shapes and sizes with warmth , acceptance - and a bra that gives them the support and lift they need . But Sima , regretfully childless at sixty , and harboring a secret that has embittered her marriage , can 't seem to do the same for herself . Then Timna , a young Israeli with enviable cleavage , arrives in search of a demi - cup and stays on to become the shop 's seamstress . As they laugh , gossip , and sell lingerie , Sima finds herself awakening to hope and the possibility of happiness in this beguiling story of New York 's underground sisterhood , and one woman 's second chance . I learned a new word and I love it ! " Sabra : the tough cactus hide , the juice of the fruit : prickly on the outside but sweet on the inside " . It was used to describe a person with a tough exterior but nice once you got to know them . This was perfect for reading as I was traveling . There was a part in the middle that made me super uncomfortable because I thought Sima was going to make an irreversible mistake but she didn 't call and it turned out okay . Hailey and Tries have been best friends since the second grade . Twenty - one - years later , they are moving from Virginia to California for a fresh start . Road trips can be tiring , especially when the person you 're traveling with is irritating you . Hailey tries her best to have fun with Triss like they used to , but it gets harder with each passing day . Some people just don 't know when to grow up . Can their friendship survive everything it 's put through on their four day trip ? This light read kept my interest and was perfect for my plane ride . The time jumps kept things interesting but weren 't confusing . Each snippet was like a memory of their friendship so the book felt like a collection of short stories that have the same characters . Typically if there are only a few typos I can overlook them . However , I ended up knocking the book down a star because there were just too many . The spelling ( like ' steeling ' for ' stealing ' or ' infront ' as one word ) or wrong word ( like ' in ' for ' is ' ) feel nitpicky to point out but when it 's the wrong character 's name in two different places , that affects the story and overall there were just too many mistakes of different varieties to completely ignore . " Neither of them could forget the day they met . It was the beginning to the rest of their lives as far as either was concerned . They couldn 't even conceive what their lives would have been like if they had never met that snowy day in the second grade . " Just when Glennon Doyle Melton was beginning to feel she had it all figured out - three happy children , a doting spouse , and a writing career so successful that her first book catapulted to the top of the New York Times bestseller list - her husband revealed his infidelity and she was forced to realize that nothing was as it seemed . A recovering alcoholic and bulimic , Glennon found that rock bottom was a familiar place . In the midst of crisis , she knew to hold on to what she discovered in recovery : that her deepest pain has always held within it an invitation to a richer life . " We had to tell the truth , which was : " Actually , I 'm not fine . " But no one knew how to handle hearing that truth , so we found other ways to tell it . We used whatever else we could find - drugs , booze , food , money , our arms , other bodies . We acted out our truth instead of speaking it and everything became a godforsaken mess . But we were just trying to be honest . " " We begin to understand that to coparent is to one day look up and notice that you are on a roller coaster with another human being . You are in the same car , strapped down side by side and you can never , ever get off . There will never be another moment in your lives when your hearts don 't rise and fall together , when your minds don 't race and panic together , when your stomachs don 't churn in tandem , when you stop seeing huge hills emerge in the distance and simultaneously grab the side of the car and hold on tight . No one except for the one strapped down beside you will ever understand the particular thrills and terrors of your ride . " " He would not be able to explain that I named that kitten Miracle and that Miracle thought I was his mother . When I told Craig that story I knew it was important , but he didn 't . He smiled and nodded and then let it slip away . When I mentioned Miracle months later , Craig said , " Who is Miracle ? " His forgetfulness feels like carelessness , and his carelessness feels like rejection . What do I do ? Tell Miracle 's story again ? Do I say , The story I 'm about to tell is important to me . Please pay attention to me and remember it . Please keep this piece of me somewhere safe so we can build upon it ? Each day , we 're making sandcastles I know will be washed away . I long for something solid , lasting , strong between us . " " But since I am a mother , dramatic gestures are off - limits . I must be steady . I must be calm . I must think about my children , who haven 't yet seen the wave that 's about to hit . I must be the steadfast captain of our sinking ship . I must smile as we go down so everyone can drown peacefully . " " We either allow ourselves to feel the burn of our own pain or someone we love gets burned by it . Craig and I had spent our lives denying our pain , but that did not make is disappear . Since we refused to hold it , we passed it on to the people we loved . " " God created women as a Warrior . . . While those around them fall away , the women hold the sick and nurse the weak , put food on the table , carry their families ' sadness and anger and love and hope . They keep showing up for their lives and their people with the odds stacked against them and the weight of the world on their shoulders . They never stop singing songs of truth , love , and redemption in the face of hopelessness . They are inexhaustible , ferocious , relentless cocreatorrs with God , and they make beautiful worlds out of nothing . Have women been the Warriors all along ? " " We know what the world wants from us . We know we must decide whether to stay small , quiet , and uncomplicated or allow ourselves to grow as big , loud , and complex as we were made to be . Every girl must decide whether to be true to herself or true to the world . " " Any woman who doesn 't give a fuck is simply abandoning her soul to adhere to the rules . No woman on earth doesn 't give a fuck - no woman is that cool - she 's just hidden her fire . Likely , it 's burning her up . " " If you don 't remember half your life , does it even count ? Did you really live it ? I pass six more months of my life this way ; half alive . Half alive is all the alive I can take . " " While I 've been home changing diapers , doing dishes , and feeding our children , he 's been sleeping with other women . While I 've been begging my body to heal , he 's been lying down with other bodies . While I 've been apologizing for my inability to connect during sex , he 's been connecting with strangers . For years , he let me take all the blame . He let me cry on his shoulder and ask : What is wrong with me ? Why can 't I feel safe during sex ? He patted my head and said he didn 't know . He knew . He was the reason . " Okey Ndibe 's funny , charming , and penetrating memoir tells of his move from Nigeria to America , where he came to edit the influential - but forever teetering on the verge of insolvency - African Commentary magazine . It recounts stories of Ndibe 's relationships with China Achebe , Wole Soyinka , and other literary figures ; examines the differences between Nigerian and American etiquette and politics ; recalls an incident of racial profiling just 13 days after he arrived in the US , in which he was mistaken for a bank robber ; considers American stereotypes at Africa ( and vice - versa ) ; and juxtaposes African folk tales with Wall Street trickery . All these stories and more come together in a generous , encompassing book about the making of a writer and a new American . It was interesting because he made a note in the book that as time has passed since he was stopped by the police because they were looking for a bank robber and he fit the description ( basically , a black man ) , the tone in how he has told the story changed from dread to humor . He told that story in the reading I attended and it 's true that he made it light and humorous , as he did other events that must have been very difficult at the time . Keeping it light doesn 't mean he glosses over the struggles . It 's the talent of a true writer to make you think without beating you over the head with the lessons he / she wants you learn , and Okey is a phenomenal writer . A Few Quotes from the Book " The books and journalism I consumed fueled my desire to write . I needed writing badly , needed it to save me from a career in the corporate world that my studies would sentence me to . Bohemian at heart and by habit , I dreaded the prospect of a regular eight - to - five job . " " I sought to draw attention both to the rampancy of power abuse and to the repercussions of silence . Those who shut their eyes in order to see no evil , to denounce none , those who plug their ears and gag their mouths , should be under no illusion . They may delude themselves , but they cannot enter a plea of innocence in history 's great carnages , its galleries of gore and horrors . " The Hopi community of Awat ' ovi existed peacefully on Arizona 's Antelope Mesa for generations until one bleak morning in the fall of 1700 - raiders from nearby Hopi villages descended on Awat ' ovi , slaughtering their neighboring men , women , and children . While little of the pueblo itself remains , five centuries of history lie beneath the low rises of sandstone masonry , and theories about the events of that night are as persistent as the desert winds . The easternmost town on Antelope Mesa , Awat ' ovi was renowned for martial strength , and had been the gateway to the entire Hopi landscape for centuries . Why did kinsmen target it for destruction ? Drawing on oral traditions , archival accounts , and extensive archaeological research , James Brooks unravels the story and its significance . Mesa of Sorrows follows the pattern of an archaeological expedition , uncovering layer after layer of evidence and theories . Brooks questions their reliability and shows how interpretations were shaped by academic , religious and tribal politics . Piecing together three centuries of investigation , he offers insight into why some were spared - women , mostly , and taken captive - and others sacrificed . He weighs theories that the attack was in retribution for Awat ' ovi having welcomed Franciscan missionaries or for the residents ' practice of sorcery , and argues that a perfect storm of internal and external crises revitalized an ancient cycle of ritual bloodshed and purification . The description of the book , both from reading the summary and listening to the author speak at a reading , didn 't match what I actually read . It 's not necessarily a bad thing but it was dryer than I expected after his engaging talk about his research and I didn 't get the deeper layers of how this applies to the present day that he alluded to in the summary . There were some typos which surprised me since he 's a professor , especially with using " there " instead of " their " occasionally . " In the Euro - American mind , history marches from past to present . Each event - birth , death , marriage , divorce , war and peace - accrues in a sequence that shapes the next in knowable ways , although their precise relation may prove elusive . We attend to the past to better comprehend our present . Yet , invert this . What is our present were already active in our past ? What if our present is nothing more than a past foretold ? This swirl of cause and effect , effect as cause , not linear but cyclical and untethered from western time , more closely captures the way many Hopis understood ( and understand ) the ruination of Awat ' ovi Pueblo . " John Waters is putting his life on the line . Armed with wit , a pencil - thin mustache , and a cardboard sign that reads I ' M NOT PSYCHO , he is hitchhiking across America from Baltimore to San Fransisco , braving lonely roads and treacherous drivers . Before he leaves for this bizarre adventure , Waters fantasizes about the best and worst possible scenarios : a friendly drug dealer hands over piles of cash to finance films with no questions asked ; a demolition - derby driver makes a filthy sexual request in the middle of a race ; and a Kansas vice squad entraps him and throws him in jail . He may be the first hitchhiker ever who had an assistant make his signs . He didn 't sound pretentious when he said it , he just mentioned it as part of getting ready and it made me laugh because it was so unlikely . I was also surprised he 'd never heard of Outback Steakhouses before , I didn 't know they were a regional thing . Cora Blake never dreamed she 'd go to Paris . She 's hardly ever left the small fishing village where she grew up . Yet in the summer of 1931 , courtesy of the U . S . government , she joins hundreds of other Gold Star Mothers traveling to France to say a final goodbye to their fallen sons , American casualties of World War I who were buried overseas . Will this whole " which Mrs . Russell " subplot end up being necessary ? At first it just added confusion . And once it was settled , I missed the first Mrs . Russell we met ; she was a great character and I feel it was a missed opportunity for a different perspective not to follow her journey " The blue star symbolized hope and pride , one star for every family member in military service . . . Then one day they accepted the lonely task of replacing the blue star with one of gold . Gold meant sacrifice to the cause of liberty and freedom . It meant they were now Gold Star Mothers . They hadn 't asked for this , nor did they have any say in how it happened , but they had been given to bear the most violent and dark cost of the nation 's war . " " He believed in his country and his superiors , and that President Wilson had been correct when he said , " The world must be made safe for democracy - the right is more precious than peace , " so when [ the mothers ] settled down , he assumed his military posture in the front of the bus , and bravely met the expectations of the mothers in his care . His duty was to represent the army , not to rewrite history . But he could show it to them in a more gentle light . " " It doesn 't matter who he is . There are so many of them . Him . Me . Our movement together . Proof , I think again and again , of being worthwhile . Proof of being loved . " " I held off having sex before because I had the notion I would wait for love . I wasn 't sure I 'd ever be loved , and I was tired of waiting . If I can 't have love , I 'll take the next best thing - or at least the thing I figure might get me the love . " New London , Texas , 1937 . Naomi Vargas and Wash Fuller know about the lines in East Texas as well as anyone . They know the signs that mark them . At first I was concerned that I would get confused with the shift in perspective every few pages but I didn 't ( and especially liked " The Gang " as a narrator ) . It was hard to find places to stop because it was so readable and kept pulling me along , but I would have to take breaks because there was so much not being said and I needed time to absorb it . I also wanted to read it slower because I was so worried something was going to happen ; I 've seen what the consequences can be when a white girl wants to make trouble for a black boy during that time period . A shy girl from Queens , Suze Rotolo was the daughter of Italian working - class Communists . Growing up at the start of the Cold War and during McCarthyism , she inevitably became an outsider in her neighborhood and at school . Her childhood was turbulent , but Suze found solace in poetry , art , and music . In Washington State Park , in Greenwich Village , she encountered like - minded friends who were also politically active . Then one hot day in July 1961 , Suze met Bob Dylan , a rising young musician , at a folk concert at Riverside Church . She was seventeen , he was twenty ; they were young , curious , and inseparable . During the years they were together , Dylan was transformed from an obscure folk singer into an uneasy spokesperson for a generation . Suze Rotolo 's story is rich in character and setting , filled with vivid memories of those tumultuous years of dramatic change and poignantly rising expectations when art , culture , and politics all seemed to be conspiring to bring our country a better , freer , richer , and more equitable life . She writes of her involvement with the civil rights movement and describes the sometimes frustrating experience of being a woman in a male - dominated culture , before women 's liberation changed the rules for the better . And she tells the wonderfully romantic story of her sweet but sometimes wrenching love affair and its eventual collapse under the pressures of growing fame . She made a great point about our unrealistic standards for celebrities . " Artists we admire aren 't necessarily exemplary human beings just because they are exceptional in their chosen fields . Their art is the work offered for public consumption , and nothing else . " " There were so many talented people who practiced their art form and sharpened their skills during the period of the Greenwich Village renaissance of the sixties . To become a legend or star wasn 't always the point . Many did what they loved to do and became known for it far and wide , and others did what they loved to do and managed to make a living at it . Still others burned out and lost their way . " That must be why she missed the one wandering through the pet - food aisle of the San Diablo Wal - Mart . Unfortunately , he managed to catch her attention an hour later - when he crashed into the Connor house , intent on killing her . Now Kate has to clean up the mess in the kitchen , dispose of a dead demon , and pull together a dinner party that will get her husband elected county attorney - all without arousing her family 's suspicion . Worse yet , it seems the dead demon didn 't come alone . . . This book got off to a really bad start for me . Kate is extremely awkward in social situations and seems to make things harder than they have to be in a forced attempt by the author to add humor . I would 've given up by the second chapter if I didn 't have the need to finish every single book I start . The red herring involving one of her loved ones definitely threw me off track . I didn 't think the explanation given was enough to completely let him off the hook and I 'm not a fan of secrets . Her life is complicated enough without having to hide her job from such an important person - - I hope she tells him what 's going on in future books . I 'm willing to give the series one more book . If it focuses on the mystery like the second half , great . If not , fool me twice and I won 't read any further . A Few Quotes from the Book With the king sending more enemies to the block each day , Moss knows she can 't bear to be the executioner 's daughter any longer . She 's desperate to see the outside world , especially the River Thames , which flows just beyond the Tower 's walls . Even the chilling stories about the Riverwitch , who snatches children from the shore , won 't stop her . " And though the crowd pressed [ Moss ] from all sides , she caught a glimpse of the sprawling city beyond . It was smoke and shadows , dark as a cellar . A mystery . A place she would never go . Her world was the Tower . And the only time she set foot outside its walls was the slow walk to the scaffold on Execution Day . " " When your mother died , I promised I would keep you safe . That day , the day you were born , something was done . Something that cannot be undone . " From vampire exterminations to angels fighting demons , these five stories will entertain better than any DJ in a bad tux . No corsage or limo rental necessary . Just good , scary fun . Quote : " As for me , I haunted the halls like the living dead . I would have ditched , but then I 'd have been corralled by the counselor and forced to talk about my feelings . Which wasn 't going to happen . My grief was my own , a skeleton that would rattle forever within me . " Quote : " She 'd spent the three days following the convenience store incident in bed , curled in a ball , trembling . She told Kenzi she had the flu , but really what she had was terror . She was terrified of the powers she suddenly couldn 't restrain . " Quote : " No , she couldn 't force the humans to do anything . They had their innate free will , and so she could only tempt , could only suggest . Little things - high heels and seams and minor muscle groups - she could manipulate physically , but she could never force their minds . They had to choose to listen . And tonight , they were listening . " The sleepy Rocky Mountain town of Silverton , Colorado , hasn 't seen a murder in years , according to Pat Mahoney , the county coroner . So when his teenage daughter , Cameryn , asks if she can be his assistant - as preparation for a career in forensic pathology - he figures it 's a safe bet . But neither of them imagines that their first case will involve someone Cameryn 's [ sic ] knows . . . the fourth victim of a serial killer called the Christopher Killer . " The dead told a story that the pathologist , if she were good enough , could hear , and Cameryn wanted to be that person . She wanted to be the translator . And maybe , when she learned that language , she could in turn speak for herself . " After losing his wife at a young age , Malcolm dedicated himself to giving his two daughters the stable , predictable childhood he never had . But now nothing is predictable - not his young adult daughters , not himself , and certainly not Noah . Whether he 's attending class or rehearsing for the campus musical , Noah finds he 's often challenging everyone 's definition of gender . During the course of one semester , Noah 's and Malcolm 's lives become entwined in ways neither could have imagined . Told alternately from Malcolm 's and Noah 's perspectives , The Listener explores the ways in which we conceal and reveal our identities . As truth after truth is exposed , characters are forced to reconsider themselves and reorder their lives , with few easy answers to be found for anyone . The Listener is , ultimately , about the power of human connection and the many shapes that love can take . The book sucked me in right away and I was so uncomfortable reading it ( in a good way ) because I don 't like secrets and was waiting for something to blow up . It was actually cruising along as a 5 star read until it derailed in the final third . There were added wrinkles that didn 't seem necessary , like the author thought there wasn 't enough conflict ( there was ! ) and needed to add more . Malcolm 's fight with his daughters felt out of place , Leah had another crisis , and all the stuff with Gordon ? It just fell apart for me . " [ Noah ] hated that he was so permeable , as if his psyche was a common room where strangers roamed , freely stubbing out cigarettes on the furniture . That 's what was wrong with him . Not a gender confusion , but the fact that all of his borders were undefended . " In January 2011 , Neil Perryman set out on an insane quest to make his wife Sue watch every episode of the classic series of Doctor Who from the very beginning . Even the ones that didn 't exist any more . And so , over the next two and half years , Sue gamely watched them all : William Hartnell ( the Miserable Git ) ; Patrick Troughton ( the Scruffy Drunk ) ; Jon Pertwee ( the Pompous Tory ) ; Tom Baker ( the Mad One ) ; Peter Davison ( the Fit One ) ; Colin Baker ( the Court Jester ) ; Sylvester McCoy ( the Crafty Sod ) and Paul McGann ( the One - Night Stand ) . The result was a wildly successful and hilariously revealing blog called Adventures With the Wife in Space . But the adventure continues . From awkward years at school , terrified of giant insects , Daleks and rugby players , to even more awkward years as an adult , terrified of unexpected parenthood and being called a Whovian , here Neil tells the all too true story of life as a Doctor Who fan . Funny , honest and surprisingly brave , he also captures perfectly the joy - and fears - of sharing the thing you love with the people you love . I loved the interaction between him and his wife and once he actually got to the part in the book where they were watching the episodes I read it straight through . Unfortunately for me , that didn 't start until page 161 which felt like false advertising . And he started off that section by saying the reader should probably visit the blog for the full adventure . . . ummm , what 's the point of this book then ? Overall , disappointed with the book but would 've enjoyed his blog ( but do not plan to visit it now ) . I give the book pre - blog ( until p . 161 ) 2 stars and the blog ( the rest of the book ) 4 stars so I averaged it on Goodreads for a 3 star rating . A Few Quotes from the Book " So to recap : comedy shoes , Mr Logic hair , chronic acne and a big squashed nose . Where girls were concerned , I could ill afford the additional handicap of a deep enthusiasm for , and encyclopaedic knowledge of , Doctor Who . So Doctor Who had to go . " Charting the odyssey of this wise and sometimes wild child through three decades , Dow Mossman renders the shifting prospects of Dawes 's experience with a literary invention that is exceptional , captivating , and quite often breathtaking . The lyrical , pent - up exuberance of childhood summers on his tyrannical grandfather 's greyhound farm gives way in the middle of the book to the dangerous - and often vividly funny - eccentricities of Dawes 's brilliance and delinquency as he weathers the absurdities of Fifties adolescence in the American heartland . Ten years further on again , in the novel 's final turn , Dawes , unsettled and spiritually adrift , journeys to Mexico , struggling for sanity and survival as the distress and turbulence of the 1960s swirl around him . One star . I was really interested before reading ( Iowa connection , published in the 1970s , inspired a documentary ) but I gave up trying to follow what was going on . I actually liked the writing at times but I felt overwhelmingly uncomfortable and confused . After the first chapter I had no idea what was going on . I couldn 't tell what really happened and what was a dream or what was the present time and what was a memory . It was almost like short stories instead of one cohesive book . Summer Days and Summer Nights : Twelve Love Stories , written by twelve bestselling young - adult writers and edited by the international bestselling author Stephanie Perkins , will have you dreaming of sunset strolls by the lake . So set out your beach chair and grab your sunglasses . You have twelve reasons to soak up the sun and fall in love . As with any collection of stories by different authors , I 'm going to like some more than others . I made a few notes as I went along but don 't really have a lot of say . This would be a great beach read but is easily forgettable when it 's over ( other than introducing me to some authors I 'd like to read more from ) . Lots of first love , I will recommend this to my tween daughter because I imagine her reading and sighing through the whole thing . Quote from the Story : " Personally , I can 't imagine why anyone would want to build anything in Deadwood , Texas , which is true to its name . Leaving Deadwood is pretty much the best option out there . If you 're somebody who has options . " Quote from the Story : " She gave me a reassuring smile . I wondered if she practiced it in the mirror , her softest eyes and her gentlest grins , so she wouldn 't make her patients ' grief any worse . Such a careful operation it must have been . " Quote from the Story : " This girl had a sort of beauty that changed depending on the angle you viewed her . Looking at her one way , her features were as elegant and sharp as a blade . Looking at her another , her eyes blazed with an inner fire . As it happened , Arlo liked to play with both knives and matches . " Felt the most authentic . I 'm not sure what that says about me because it was also the saddest and least " romance " of them all . I will definitely read this author again . Quote from the Story : " Love . It 's such a bullshit word . She loves me , but that 's a different kind of love , and it 's not enough to make her stay . " Even though this was in the Adult Non - Fiction section of my library I had no hesitation reading this with my 10 year old and would say it 's very well suited to middle / upper elementary kids . Each person had a page of illustration and a page of text devoted to them and it was a great starting point for deeper conversations / research on the ones that interested her . I didn 't take notes on every letter / person but here are our thoughts . . . I didn 't know 10 out of the 26 women and it was troubling to me that most of the 10 were minorities ; I really need to brush up on some areas of the women 's rights movement . I knew the work of another 3 of the 26 but either didn 't know their name or didn 't know a woman was involved ( for example , I 've heard a lot about Cesar Chavez but didn 't know he actually co - created the United Farm Workers Association union with a woman , Dolores Huerta ) . So while the information was very basic , I learned many things as well . On Sonia Sotomayor ~ " I like her . She 's brave and I can 't get over how she gave herself shots ! " Forget being on the Supreme Court , it really really impressed Megan that she began giving herself insulin shots at a young age , haha ! The alphabet list of 26 things we can do to be rad was great as well . Megan asked me what my favorite piece of advice from the list was and I said Q for " Questions are awesome . Raise your hand and ask away ! " Hers was M for " Make mistakes , learn from them , and keep on trying . " I am married with 4 beautiful children . I 'm an avid reader of anything and everything , and I 'm a proud library supporter . About my reviews : While I have many , many opinions about what I read , I keep what I write brief and vague for a few reasons . First , I 'm much more comfortable talking than writing . Second , I 'm terrified of spoiling / altering someone 's experience and only have deep conversations about the book if I know the person has already read it , or if I know they have no intention of reading it and I just have to vent about something . View my complete profile

Samantha 's husband has left her , and after a spree of overcharging at Tiffany 's , she settles down to reconstruct a life for herself and her eleven - year - old son . Her eccentric mother tries to help by fixing her up with dates , but a more pressing problem is money . To meet her mortgage payments , Sam decides to take in boarders . The first is an older woman who offers sage advice and sorely needed comfort ; the second , a maladjusted student , is not quite so helpful . A new friend , King , an untraditional man , suggests that Samantha get out , get going , get work . But her real work is this : In order to emerge from grief and the past , she has to learn how to make her own happiness . In order to really see people , she has to look within her heart . And in order to know who she is , she has to remember - and reclaim - the person she used to be , long before she became someone else in an effort to save her marriage . Open House is a love story about what can blossom between a man and a woman , and within a woman herself . Oh , my heart . I love this author 's ability to write characters and Sam was uncomfortably vulnerable and real . I felt every emotion , good and bad , that she had . " You know before you know , of course . You are bending over the dryer , pulling out the still - warm sheets , and the knowledge walks up your backbone . You stare at the man you love and you are staring at nothing ; he is gone before he is gone . " " . . . I remove my wedding rings and put them in my jewelry box . So many others have done this . I am not the only one . I am not the only one . But here , I am the only one . " A Nix can take many forms . In Norwegian folklore , it is a spirit who sometimes appears as a white horse that steals children away . In Nathan Hill 's remarkable first novel , a Nix is anything you love that one day disappears , taking with it a piece of your heart . It 's 2011 , and Samuel Andresen - Anderson - college professor , stalled writer - has a Nix of his own : his mother , Faye . He hasn 't seen her in decades , not since she abandoned the family when he was a boy . Now she 's reappeared , having committed an absurd crime that electrifies the nightly news , beguiles the internet , and inflames a politically divided country . The media paints Faye as a radical hippie with a sordid past , but as far as Samuel knows , his mother was an ordinary girl who married her high - school sweetheart . Which version of his mother is true ? Two facts are certain : she 's facing some serious charges , and she needs Samuel 's help . " If Samuel had know his mother was leaving , he might have paid more attention . He might have listened more carefully to her , observed her more closely , written certain crucial things down . Maybe he could have acted differently , been a different person . " Any problem you face in a video game or in life is one of four things : an enemy , obstacle , puzzle , or trap . . . You have to be careful , Pwnage said , with people who are puzzles and people who are traps . A puzzle can be solved but a trap cannot . Usually what happens is you think someone 's a puzzle until you realize they 're a trap . But by then it 's too late . That 's the trap . " In the basement of her Brooklyn apartment , Sima Goldner welcomes women of all shapes and sizes with warmth , acceptance - and a bra that gives them the support and lift they need . But Sima , regretfully childless at sixty , and harboring a secret that has embittered her marriage , can 't seem to do the same for herself . Then Timna , a young Israeli with enviable cleavage , arrives in search of a demi - cup and stays on to become the shop 's seamstress . As they laugh , gossip , and sell lingerie , Sima finds herself awakening to hope and the possibility of happiness in this beguiling story of New York 's underground sisterhood , and one woman 's second chance . I learned a new word and I love it ! " Sabra : the tough cactus hide , the juice of the fruit : prickly on the outside but sweet on the inside " . It was used to describe a person with a tough exterior but nice once you got to know them . This was perfect for reading as I was traveling . There was a part in the middle that made me super uncomfortable because I thought Sima was going to make an irreversible mistake but she didn 't call and it turned out okay . Hailey and Tries have been best friends since the second grade . Twenty - one - years later , they are moving from Virginia to California for a fresh start . Road trips can be tiring , especially when the person you 're traveling with is irritating you . Hailey tries her best to have fun with Triss like they used to , but it gets harder with each passing day . Some people just don 't know when to grow up . Can their friendship survive everything it 's put through on their four day trip ? This light read kept my interest and was perfect for my plane ride . The time jumps kept things interesting but weren 't confusing . Each snippet was like a memory of their friendship so the book felt like a collection of short stories that have the same characters . Typically if there are only a few typos I can overlook them . However , I ended up knocking the book down a star because there were just too many . The spelling ( like ' steeling ' for ' stealing ' or ' infront ' as one word ) or wrong word ( like ' in ' for ' is ' ) feel nitpicky to point out but when it 's the wrong character 's name in two different places , that affects the story and overall there were just too many mistakes of different varieties to completely ignore . " Neither of them could forget the day they met . It was the beginning to the rest of their lives as far as either was concerned . They couldn 't even conceive what their lives would have been like if they had never met that snowy day in the second grade . " Just when Glennon Doyle Melton was beginning to feel she had it all figured out - three happy children , a doting spouse , and a writing career so successful that her first book catapulted to the top of the New York Times bestseller list - her husband revealed his infidelity and she was forced to realize that nothing was as it seemed . A recovering alcoholic and bulimic , Glennon found that rock bottom was a familiar place . In the midst of crisis , she knew to hold on to what she discovered in recovery : that her deepest pain has always held within it an invitation to a richer life . " We had to tell the truth , which was : " Actually , I 'm not fine . " But no one knew how to handle hearing that truth , so we found other ways to tell it . We used whatever else we could find - drugs , booze , food , money , our arms , other bodies . We acted out our truth instead of speaking it and everything became a godforsaken mess . But we were just trying to be honest . " " We begin to understand that to coparent is to one day look up and notice that you are on a roller coaster with another human being . You are in the same car , strapped down side by side and you can never , ever get off . There will never be another moment in your lives when your hearts don 't rise and fall together , when your minds don 't race and panic together , when your stomachs don 't churn in tandem , when you stop seeing huge hills emerge in the distance and simultaneously grab the side of the car and hold on tight . No one except for the one strapped down beside you will ever understand the particular thrills and terrors of your ride . " " He would not be able to explain that I named that kitten Miracle and that Miracle thought I was his mother . When I told Craig that story I knew it was important , but he didn 't . He smiled and nodded and then let it slip away . When I mentioned Miracle months later , Craig said , " Who is Miracle ? " His forgetfulness feels like carelessness , and his carelessness feels like rejection . What do I do ? Tell Miracle 's story again ? Do I say , The story I 'm about to tell is important to me . Please pay attention to me and remember it . Please keep this piece of me somewhere safe so we can build upon it ? Each day , we 're making sandcastles I know will be washed away . I long for something solid , lasting , strong between us . " " But since I am a mother , dramatic gestures are off - limits . I must be steady . I must be calm . I must think about my children , who haven 't yet seen the wave that 's about to hit . I must be the steadfast captain of our sinking ship . I must smile as we go down so everyone can drown peacefully . " " We either allow ourselves to feel the burn of our own pain or someone we love gets burned by it . Craig and I had spent our lives denying our pain , but that did not make is disappear . Since we refused to hold it , we passed it on to the people we loved . " " God created women as a Warrior . . . While those around them fall away , the women hold the sick and nurse the weak , put food on the table , carry their families ' sadness and anger and love and hope . They keep showing up for their lives and their people with the odds stacked against them and the weight of the world on their shoulders . They never stop singing songs of truth , love , and redemption in the face of hopelessness . They are inexhaustible , ferocious , relentless cocreatorrs with God , and they make beautiful worlds out of nothing . Have women been the Warriors all along ? " " We know what the world wants from us . We know we must decide whether to stay small , quiet , and uncomplicated or allow ourselves to grow as big , loud , and complex as we were made to be . Every girl must decide whether to be true to herself or true to the world . " " Any woman who doesn 't give a fuck is simply abandoning her soul to adhere to the rules . No woman on earth doesn 't give a fuck - no woman is that cool - she 's just hidden her fire . Likely , it 's burning her up . " " If you don 't remember half your life , does it even count ? Did you really live it ? I pass six more months of my life this way ; half alive . Half alive is all the alive I can take . " " While I 've been home changing diapers , doing dishes , and feeding our children , he 's been sleeping with other women . While I 've been begging my body to heal , he 's been lying down with other bodies . While I 've been apologizing for my inability to connect during sex , he 's been connecting with strangers . For years , he let me take all the blame . He let me cry on his shoulder and ask : What is wrong with me ? Why can 't I feel safe during sex ? He patted my head and said he didn 't know . He knew . He was the reason . " Okey Ndibe 's funny , charming , and penetrating memoir tells of his move from Nigeria to America , where he came to edit the influential - but forever teetering on the verge of insolvency - African Commentary magazine . It recounts stories of Ndibe 's relationships with China Achebe , Wole Soyinka , and other literary figures ; examines the differences between Nigerian and American etiquette and politics ; recalls an incident of racial profiling just 13 days after he arrived in the US , in which he was mistaken for a bank robber ; considers American stereotypes at Africa ( and vice - versa ) ; and juxtaposes African folk tales with Wall Street trickery . All these stories and more come together in a generous , encompassing book about the making of a writer and a new American . It was interesting because he made a note in the book that as time has passed since he was stopped by the police because they were looking for a bank robber and he fit the description ( basically , a black man ) , the tone in how he has told the story changed from dread to humor . He told that story in the reading I attended and it 's true that he made it light and humorous , as he did other events that must have been very difficult at the time . Keeping it light doesn 't mean he glosses over the struggles . It 's the talent of a true writer to make you think without beating you over the head with the lessons he / she wants you learn , and Okey is a phenomenal writer . A Few Quotes from the Book " The books and journalism I consumed fueled my desire to write . I needed writing badly , needed it to save me from a career in the corporate world that my studies would sentence me to . Bohemian at heart and by habit , I dreaded the prospect of a regular eight - to - five job . " " I sought to draw attention both to the rampancy of power abuse and to the repercussions of silence . Those who shut their eyes in order to see no evil , to denounce none , those who plug their ears and gag their mouths , should be under no illusion . They may delude themselves , but they cannot enter a plea of innocence in history 's great carnages , its galleries of gore and horrors . " The Hopi community of Awat ' ovi existed peacefully on Arizona 's Antelope Mesa for generations until one bleak morning in the fall of 1700 - raiders from nearby Hopi villages descended on Awat ' ovi , slaughtering their neighboring men , women , and children . While little of the pueblo itself remains , five centuries of history lie beneath the low rises of sandstone masonry , and theories about the events of that night are as persistent as the desert winds . The easternmost town on Antelope Mesa , Awat ' ovi was renowned for martial strength , and had been the gateway to the entire Hopi landscape for centuries . Why did kinsmen target it for destruction ? Drawing on oral traditions , archival accounts , and extensive archaeological research , James Brooks unravels the story and its significance . Mesa of Sorrows follows the pattern of an archaeological expedition , uncovering layer after layer of evidence and theories . Brooks questions their reliability and shows how interpretations were shaped by academic , religious and tribal politics . Piecing together three centuries of investigation , he offers insight into why some were spared - women , mostly , and taken captive - and others sacrificed . He weighs theories that the attack was in retribution for Awat ' ovi having welcomed Franciscan missionaries or for the residents ' practice of sorcery , and argues that a perfect storm of internal and external crises revitalized an ancient cycle of ritual bloodshed and purification . The description of the book , both from reading the summary and listening to the author speak at a reading , didn 't match what I actually read . It 's not necessarily a bad thing but it was dryer than I expected after his engaging talk about his research and I didn 't get the deeper layers of how this applies to the present day that he alluded to in the summary . There were some typos which surprised me since he 's a professor , especially with using " there " instead of " their " occasionally . " In the Euro - American mind , history marches from past to present . Each event - birth , death , marriage , divorce , war and peace - accrues in a sequence that shapes the next in knowable ways , although their precise relation may prove elusive . We attend to the past to better comprehend our present . Yet , invert this . What is our present were already active in our past ? What if our present is nothing more than a past foretold ? This swirl of cause and effect , effect as cause , not linear but cyclical and untethered from western time , more closely captures the way many Hopis understood ( and understand ) the ruination of Awat ' ovi Pueblo . " John Waters is putting his life on the line . Armed with wit , a pencil - thin mustache , and a cardboard sign that reads I ' M NOT PSYCHO , he is hitchhiking across America from Baltimore to San Fransisco , braving lonely roads and treacherous drivers . Before he leaves for this bizarre adventure , Waters fantasizes about the best and worst possible scenarios : a friendly drug dealer hands over piles of cash to finance films with no questions asked ; a demolition - derby driver makes a filthy sexual request in the middle of a race ; and a Kansas vice squad entraps him and throws him in jail . He may be the first hitchhiker ever who had an assistant make his signs . He didn 't sound pretentious when he said it , he just mentioned it as part of getting ready and it made me laugh because it was so unlikely . I was also surprised he 'd never heard of Outback Steakhouses before , I didn 't know they were a regional thing . Cora Blake never dreamed she 'd go to Paris . She 's hardly ever left the small fishing village where she grew up . Yet in the summer of 1931 , courtesy of the U . S . government , she joins hundreds of other Gold Star Mothers traveling to France to say a final goodbye to their fallen sons , American casualties of World War I who were buried overseas . Will this whole " which Mrs . Russell " subplot end up being necessary ? At first it just added confusion . And once it was settled , I missed the first Mrs . Russell we met ; she was a great character and I feel it was a missed opportunity for a different perspective not to follow her journey " The blue star symbolized hope and pride , one star for every family member in military service . . . Then one day they accepted the lonely task of replacing the blue star with one of gold . Gold meant sacrifice to the cause of liberty and freedom . It meant they were now Gold Star Mothers . They hadn 't asked for this , nor did they have any say in how it happened , but they had been given to bear the most violent and dark cost of the nation 's war . " " He believed in his country and his superiors , and that President Wilson had been correct when he said , " The world must be made safe for democracy - the right is more precious than peace , " so when [ the mothers ] settled down , he assumed his military posture in the front of the bus , and bravely met the expectations of the mothers in his care . His duty was to represent the army , not to rewrite history . But he could show it to them in a more gentle light . " " It doesn 't matter who he is . There are so many of them . Him . Me . Our movement together . Proof , I think again and again , of being worthwhile . Proof of being loved . " " I held off having sex before because I had the notion I would wait for love . I wasn 't sure I 'd ever be loved , and I was tired of waiting . If I can 't have love , I 'll take the next best thing - or at least the thing I figure might get me the love . " New London , Texas , 1937 . Naomi Vargas and Wash Fuller know about the lines in East Texas as well as anyone . They know the signs that mark them . At first I was concerned that I would get confused with the shift in perspective every few pages but I didn 't ( and especially liked " The Gang " as a narrator ) . It was hard to find places to stop because it was so readable and kept pulling me along , but I would have to take breaks because there was so much not being said and I needed time to absorb it . I also wanted to read it slower because I was so worried something was going to happen ; I 've seen what the consequences can be when a white girl wants to make trouble for a black boy during that time period . A shy girl from Queens , Suze Rotolo was the daughter of Italian working - class Communists . Growing up at the start of the Cold War and during McCarthyism , she inevitably became an outsider in her neighborhood and at school . Her childhood was turbulent , but Suze found solace in poetry , art , and music . In Washington State Park , in Greenwich Village , she encountered like - minded friends who were also politically active . Then one hot day in July 1961 , Suze met Bob Dylan , a rising young musician , at a folk concert at Riverside Church . She was seventeen , he was twenty ; they were young , curious , and inseparable . During the years they were together , Dylan was transformed from an obscure folk singer into an uneasy spokesperson for a generation . Suze Rotolo 's story is rich in character and setting , filled with vivid memories of those tumultuous years of dramatic change and poignantly rising expectations when art , culture , and politics all seemed to be conspiring to bring our country a better , freer , richer , and more equitable life . She writes of her involvement with the civil rights movement and describes the sometimes frustrating experience of being a woman in a male - dominated culture , before women 's liberation changed the rules for the better . And she tells the wonderfully romantic story of her sweet but sometimes wrenching love affair and its eventual collapse under the pressures of growing fame . She made a great point about our unrealistic standards for celebrities . " Artists we admire aren 't necessarily exemplary human beings just because they are exceptional in their chosen fields . Their art is the work offered for public consumption , and nothing else . " " There were so many talented people who practiced their art form and sharpened their skills during the period of the Greenwich Village renaissance of the sixties . To become a legend or star wasn 't always the point . Many did what they loved to do and became known for it far and wide , and others did what they loved to do and managed to make a living at it . Still others burned out and lost their way . " That must be why she missed the one wandering through the pet - food aisle of the San Diablo Wal - Mart . Unfortunately , he managed to catch her attention an hour later - when he crashed into the Connor house , intent on killing her . Now Kate has to clean up the mess in the kitchen , dispose of a dead demon , and pull together a dinner party that will get her husband elected county attorney - all without arousing her family 's suspicion . Worse yet , it seems the dead demon didn 't come alone . . . This book got off to a really bad start for me . Kate is extremely awkward in social situations and seems to make things harder than they have to be in a forced attempt by the author to add humor . I would 've given up by the second chapter if I didn 't have the need to finish every single book I start . The red herring involving one of her loved ones definitely threw me off track . I didn 't think the explanation given was enough to completely let him off the hook and I 'm not a fan of secrets . Her life is complicated enough without having to hide her job from such an important person - - I hope she tells him what 's going on in future books . I 'm willing to give the series one more book . If it focuses on the mystery like the second half , great . If not , fool me twice and I won 't read any further . A Few Quotes from the Book With the king sending more enemies to the block each day , Moss knows she can 't bear to be the executioner 's daughter any longer . She 's desperate to see the outside world , especially the River Thames , which flows just beyond the Tower 's walls . Even the chilling stories about the Riverwitch , who snatches children from the shore , won 't stop her . " And though the crowd pressed [ Moss ] from all sides , she caught a glimpse of the sprawling city beyond . It was smoke and shadows , dark as a cellar . A mystery . A place she would never go . Her world was the Tower . And the only time she set foot outside its walls was the slow walk to the scaffold on Execution Day . " " When your mother died , I promised I would keep you safe . That day , the day you were born , something was done . Something that cannot be undone . " From vampire exterminations to angels fighting demons , these five stories will entertain better than any DJ in a bad tux . No corsage or limo rental necessary . Just good , scary fun . Quote : " As for me , I haunted the halls like the living dead . I would have ditched , but then I 'd have been corralled by the counselor and forced to talk about my feelings . Which wasn 't going to happen . My grief was my own , a skeleton that would rattle forever within me . " Quote : " She 'd spent the three days following the convenience store incident in bed , curled in a ball , trembling . She told Kenzi she had the flu , but really what she had was terror . She was terrified of the powers she suddenly couldn 't restrain . " Quote : " No , she couldn 't force the humans to do anything . They had their innate free will , and so she could only tempt , could only suggest . Little things - high heels and seams and minor muscle groups - she could manipulate physically , but she could never force their minds . They had to choose to listen . And tonight , they were listening . " The sleepy Rocky Mountain town of Silverton , Colorado , hasn 't seen a murder in years , according to Pat Mahoney , the county coroner . So when his teenage daughter , Cameryn , asks if she can be his assistant - as preparation for a career in forensic pathology - he figures it 's a safe bet . But neither of them imagines that their first case will involve someone Cameryn 's [ sic ] knows . . . the fourth victim of a serial killer called the Christopher Killer . " The dead told a story that the pathologist , if she were good enough , could hear , and Cameryn wanted to be that person . She wanted to be the translator . And maybe , when she learned that language , she could in turn speak for herself . " After losing his wife at a young age , Malcolm dedicated himself to giving his two daughters the stable , predictable childhood he never had . But now nothing is predictable - not his young adult daughters , not himself , and certainly not Noah . Whether he 's attending class or rehearsing for the campus musical , Noah finds he 's often challenging everyone 's definition of gender . During the course of one semester , Noah 's and Malcolm 's lives become entwined in ways neither could have imagined . Told alternately from Malcolm 's and Noah 's perspectives , The Listener explores the ways in which we conceal and reveal our identities . As truth after truth is exposed , characters are forced to reconsider themselves and reorder their lives , with few easy answers to be found for anyone . The Listener is , ultimately , about the power of human connection and the many shapes that love can take . The book sucked me in right away and I was so uncomfortable reading it ( in a good way ) because I don 't like secrets and was waiting for something to blow up . It was actually cruising along as a 5 star read until it derailed in the final third . There were added wrinkles that didn 't seem necessary , like the author thought there wasn 't enough conflict ( there was ! ) and needed to add more . Malcolm 's fight with his daughters felt out of place , Leah had another crisis , and all the stuff with Gordon ? It just fell apart for me . " [ Noah ] hated that he was so permeable , as if his psyche was a common room where strangers roamed , freely stubbing out cigarettes on the furniture . That 's what was wrong with him . Not a gender confusion , but the fact that all of his borders were undefended . " In January 2011 , Neil Perryman set out on an insane quest to make his wife Sue watch every episode of the classic series of Doctor Who from the very beginning . Even the ones that didn 't exist any more . And so , over the next two and half years , Sue gamely watched them all : William Hartnell ( the Miserable Git ) ; Patrick Troughton ( the Scruffy Drunk ) ; Jon Pertwee ( the Pompous Tory ) ; Tom Baker ( the Mad One ) ; Peter Davison ( the Fit One ) ; Colin Baker ( the Court Jester ) ; Sylvester McCoy ( the Crafty Sod ) and Paul McGann ( the One - Night Stand ) . The result was a wildly successful and hilariously revealing blog called Adventures With the Wife in Space . But the adventure continues . From awkward years at school , terrified of giant insects , Daleks and rugby players , to even more awkward years as an adult , terrified of unexpected parenthood and being called a Whovian , here Neil tells the all too true story of life as a Doctor Who fan . Funny , honest and surprisingly brave , he also captures perfectly the joy - and fears - of sharing the thing you love with the people you love . I loved the interaction between him and his wife and once he actually got to the part in the book where they were watching the episodes I read it straight through . Unfortunately for me , that didn 't start until page 161 which felt like false advertising . And he started off that section by saying the reader should probably visit the blog for the full adventure . . . ummm , what 's the point of this book then ? Overall , disappointed with the book but would 've enjoyed his blog ( but do not plan to visit it now ) . I give the book pre - blog ( until p . 161 ) 2 stars and the blog ( the rest of the book ) 4 stars so I averaged it on Goodreads for a 3 star rating . A Few Quotes from the Book " So to recap : comedy shoes , Mr Logic hair , chronic acne and a big squashed nose . Where girls were concerned , I could ill afford the additional handicap of a deep enthusiasm for , and encyclopaedic knowledge of , Doctor Who . So Doctor Who had to go . " Charting the odyssey of this wise and sometimes wild child through three decades , Dow Mossman renders the shifting prospects of Dawes 's experience with a literary invention that is exceptional , captivating , and quite often breathtaking . The lyrical , pent - up exuberance of childhood summers on his tyrannical grandfather 's greyhound farm gives way in the middle of the book to the dangerous - and often vividly funny - eccentricities of Dawes 's brilliance and delinquency as he weathers the absurdities of Fifties adolescence in the American heartland . Ten years further on again , in the novel 's final turn , Dawes , unsettled and spiritually adrift , journeys to Mexico , struggling for sanity and survival as the distress and turbulence of the 1960s swirl around him . One star . I was really interested before reading ( Iowa connection , published in the 1970s , inspired a documentary ) but I gave up trying to follow what was going on . I actually liked the writing at times but I felt overwhelmingly uncomfortable and confused . After the first chapter I had no idea what was going on . I couldn 't tell what really happened and what was a dream or what was the present time and what was a memory . It was almost like short stories instead of one cohesive book . Summer Days and Summer Nights : Twelve Love Stories , written by twelve bestselling young - adult writers and edited by the international bestselling author Stephanie Perkins , will have you dreaming of sunset strolls by the lake . So set out your beach chair and grab your sunglasses . You have twelve reasons to soak up the sun and fall in love . As with any collection of stories by different authors , I 'm going to like some more than others . I made a few notes as I went along but don 't really have a lot of say . This would be a great beach read but is easily forgettable when it 's over ( other than introducing me to some authors I 'd like to read more from ) . Lots of first love , I will recommend this to my tween daughter because I imagine her reading and sighing through the whole thing . Quote from the Story : " Personally , I can 't imagine why anyone would want to build anything in Deadwood , Texas , which is true to its name . Leaving Deadwood is pretty much the best option out there . If you 're somebody who has options . " Quote from the Story : " She gave me a reassuring smile . I wondered if she practiced it in the mirror , her softest eyes and her gentlest grins , so she wouldn 't make her patients ' grief any worse . Such a careful operation it must have been . " Quote from the Story : " This girl had a sort of beauty that changed depending on the angle you viewed her . Looking at her one way , her features were as elegant and sharp as a blade . Looking at her another , her eyes blazed with an inner fire . As it happened , Arlo liked to play with both knives and matches . " Felt the most authentic . I 'm not sure what that says about me because it was also the saddest and least " romance " of them all . I will definitely read this author again . Quote from the Story : " Love . It 's such a bullshit word . She loves me , but that 's a different kind of love , and it 's not enough to make her stay . " Even though this was in the Adult Non - Fiction section of my library I had no hesitation reading this with my 10 year old and would say it 's very well suited to middle / upper elementary kids . Each person had a page of illustration and a page of text devoted to them and it was a great starting point for deeper conversations / research on the ones that interested her . I didn 't take notes on every letter / person but here are our thoughts . . . I didn 't know 10 out of the 26 women and it was troubling to me that most of the 10 were minorities ; I really need to brush up on some areas of the women 's rights movement . I knew the work of another 3 of the 26 but either didn 't know their name or didn 't know a woman was involved ( for example , I 've heard a lot about Cesar Chavez but didn 't know he actually co - created the United Farm Workers Association union with a woman , Dolores Huerta ) . So while the information was very basic , I learned many things as well . On Sonia Sotomayor ~ " I like her . She 's brave and I can 't get over how she gave herself shots ! " Forget being on the Supreme Court , it really really impressed Megan that she began giving herself insulin shots at a young age , haha ! The alphabet list of 26 things we can do to be rad was great as well . Megan asked me what my favorite piece of advice from the list was and I said Q for " Questions are awesome . Raise your hand and ask away ! " Hers was M for " Make mistakes , learn from them , and keep on trying . " I am married with 4 beautiful children . I 'm an avid reader of anything and everything , and I 'm a proud library supporter . About my reviews : While I have many , many opinions about what I read , I keep what I write brief and vague for a few reasons . First , I 'm much more comfortable talking than writing . Second , I 'm terrified of spoiling / altering someone 's experience and only have deep conversations about the book if I know the person has already read it , or if I know they have no intention of reading it and I just have to vent about something . View my complete profile

Pump Up the Volume . Initially I thought that Pump Up the Volume directed by Allan Moyle would probably be just like any other teenaged movie coming out of the 80 's and 90 's . After getting passed the credits I soon realized that this movie had something special to offer its audience . Pump Up the Volume is a thought - provoking movie incorporated with really good acting . I felt like this movie had a great purpose because it left you wondering about an assortment of things but most importantly it left me thinking , what will I do with my voice ? Although it came out over ten years ago I believe this story to be timeless . Christian Slater plays Mark Hunter , the main character of the film . He does an outstanding job in playing an antisocial high school student by day and a rebellious radio jockey by night . Mark Hunter has recently moved with his mother and father from the east coast to Arizona where he finds himself isolated and unhappy about their new location . At school Mark seems to be a shy , keep to himself kind of a kid who doesn 't seem too eager to make new friends . Although his parents seem to show concern about him , it doesn 't seem like there is enough understanding within their relationship for them to really grasp what 's going on with their son . This seems to be something that many of us go through while growing up in the homes of our parents and like Mark , the other students in his high school soon find out they feel the same way . Mark is definitely an intelligent person who excels in his English class but also manages to operate his own pirate radio station by using his shortwave set to surf the airwaves . Every night at 10pm Mark goes live on the air as self proclaimed " Happy Harry Hard - on " . It started off with what seemed like a late night hobby so that he wasn 't bored alone at home but in little to no time he became a legend . He would speak about everything and anything and that somehow got him to speak to EVERYONE . Whether people were listening to the crazy things he said or people were going crazy listening to him , he had hundreds of people hooked . He never had any direction or schedules which probably made his audience hungry for more . Some nights his program would last a couple of minutes and other nights he would yap for hours . His rants would range from how horrible he thought his school and the staff was , to him playing music that reminded him of his buddies from back home and even faking masturbation live on the air . He offended some but most couldn 't stop idolizing him . I would like to take this time out by applauding Slater for making this movie so enjoyable . The plot has a life of its own but I don 't think it would have had such an effect on me if it weren 't for his lively hood on screen . He finds a way to magically come alive and transform into Happy Harry with what I think is his best performance I 've seen from him . To some it was unfortunate that he was caught at the end of the movie but I believe that that only helped this late night DJ become an even bigger legend . Harry had the main focus to spread the word . Any word , really . He was dedicated to educating the people of his time and letting them know that they had opinions and they should be able to express them without the fear of closed - minded adults shutting them up . The greatest part about all of this was not just the message he wanted to relay but more importantly the positive influence he made on all of the teenagers he actually spoke to . When he spoke , they were really listening . I was really listening too . Radiohead : Everything in its right place . Trippy . An electric piano . Special effects becoming louder . I imagine focusing on an old apartment and zooming in on certain items . All of these certain things are in their right place , obviously . After hearing the song from start to finish I realized I was " one of those " . Dare I say I didn 't get it ? I wasn 't connecting with what I was hearing . This was the first time I listened to Radiohead . Yes , it 's true . I am sure plenty of you are reading this asking yourself how I could have lived before listening to this band . And then there are the others , The Radiohead virgins , who are in the same boat as me . After having the assignment to really dissect a song I made it my obligation to " get it " . I wanted to fully be thrown into the world of Radiohead and their loyal fan base . I realized this would be a huge challenge , but I accepted . The song that was chosen for me was " Everything in its Right Place " off of Radioheads Kid A album . I took it upon myself to obsess over this one song . I listened to it an uncountable amount of times . I first started by listening alone in my room where I could get my own interpretation of what I thought this song meant and what message Radiohead was signaling . But I needed more . I wanted more . I decided to search the bands live performances so that I could see their fans reacting to them . Out of all the videos I went through I found one on YouTube where the song was performed acoustically . The video consists of Thom Yorke , the lead singer , simply playing the piano and singing as fans look on in what seems to be an intimate setting . This was my favorite version . I found myself falling into the trance of what all of these Radiohead fans seemed to be in . When the voice of Thom Yorke comes in I feel a sense of calmness . I liked hearing the rawness of his voice and the entire song for that matter . With the absence of the auto tune or whatever it is they used to enhance the sounds of the actual track on the album , I could finally feel one with the song . I started to listen to it with appreciation . Now as I played it I immediately wanted to reflect on past expierences . I was getting the feeling like this was a transition message . I felt changing . When I listened I imagined things changing with the lasting impression being that everything was changing for the better . Everything wound up in the right place after all of the changes . It makes sense for this song to be the first track of the album . With the title being " Everything in its right place " I would think that the band felt like what they had put together for their next album was just right . But then what is the conflict within their song ? " Yesterday I woke up sucking on lemons . " When I think of sucking on lemons I picture an unsatisfied face . Maybe even a confused face . I heard a reason for the lemon reference was because Yorke had been frequently told he looks like he has a sour - faced look . But he wasn 't just sucking on lemons . He WOKE UP sucking lemons . And he didn 't just wake up sucking lemons . He woke up YESTERDAY sucking lemons . To be sucking on lemons as you awake makes me think that the day started off sour . But that day is not today , that day was yesterday . Yesterday was sour . Maybe Yorke is shedding light on the fact that he is out of a bad place where he once was , which coincides with what some websites have suggested that Yorke was depressed after their " Ok Computer " tour . But now with the intro to Kid A , he is no longer sucking on soury lemons . That was yesterday . Kid A is today . But where do the two colors in his mind come into play ? " There are two colors in my head , what is it you tried to say ? " Could the colors be voices ? Maybe . Could he be psychotic ? I doubt it . After reading up about the band it was brought to my attention that lead singer Thom Yorke and guitarist Ed O ' Brien had some musical challenges within the band around the writing process for Kid A . Maybe the two voices Thom writes about are his and Ed 's visions . It has been said that both band members felt like ' Everything in Its Right Place ' was the song that helped them start to feel like their new approach to music was actually getting somewhere . Maybe that is why they wound up naming the song " Everything in its Right Place . " Maybe they sat down one day , collectively as a band , and decided that the new direction of where their music was headed ( computer manipulation and enhanced sound effects ) was the way they wanted to go . Dexter , Episode 4 : Let 's Give The Boy a Hand . " Boo ! " was Dexter 's last words before ending the episode . A simple yet spooky , boo . I find this episode to be monumental due to the fact that this was the first episode where Dexter does not kill anyone . The killer in him resists finishing off Tony Tucci because " that 's not him " , as he says . We realize that Dexter is not an uncontrollable killer because he is able to walk away from an opportunity to kill someone , which seemed almost impossible when we were first introduced to him . We find out that the " no blood " murderer , who is referred to as the " Ice Truck Killer " , has an agenda that involves Dexter and his past . The Ice Truck Killer begins to leave body parts of his victim , who we shortly find out is Lieutenant LaGuertas suspect for a previous killing in the episode before this , in places of Dexter 's past . It seems as though the Ice Truck Killer took his time to look through Dexter 's home photo album where he has pictures from his childhood , many including Harry , his stepdad . I get the feeling that the Ice Truck Killer is a fan of Dexter 's work and that is why he is toying with him . Or maybe he knows of who the real Dexter is and wants to expose him . We haven 't gotten that far just yet . At the end of the episode Dexter is guided to where amputated Tucci is and is left with the option to finish his life . To the audience 's surprise , or maybe just mine , Dexter declines and does the right thing . Debs is still being assigned bullshit jobs by Lieutenant LaGuerta most probably because of the fear that she will outsmart her and eventually take her title . Sergeant Doakes is looking over his shoulder the whole episode because Guerrero and his men have been after him since he came to a family event and exploited Guerrero . Throughout the episode I felt bad for Doakes because he is being blamed for his lovers death who just so happens to be another cops sister and the wife of recently killed cop Ricky Simmons . Between watching his back for Guerrero 's men and his fellow cops who feel like he broke their man / cop code , he 's got a lot on his plate . He 's accepted that it 's only a matter of time until he will be found dead but by the end of the episode just before Guerrero gets his hands on him , he is saved by the cops who have used him as bait . This was news to us as well as Doakes . Angel Batista Another side story that is developing is Detective Angel Batista 's personal life . Angel has been around since episode one but this is the first time we see him outside of the job . He seems like a warm hearted man that is concerned about which piece of jewelry he should give his wife for their ten year anniversary . After asking Dexter and getting a good comment from Debra , he goes with a diamond heart shaped key . When he goes to give it to his wife we are then informed that they have been separated for three months because of " something he did . " He winds up giving the necklace to his little girl before he leaves the house . Lastly , Rita and Dexter 's relationship is still going strong and this time around there was some action . Still no sex but a little oral never hurt anyone . I rate this episode a 4 . I like where all of the separate stories are going . I 'm still curious as to who or what Dexter is ? " If someone takes a picture , you smile . It doesn 't matter if you 're happy … you just do it to fit in . " Well said Harry Morgan . I believe he is human but only time will tell why he isn 't like everyone else . Dexter , Episode 3 : Popping Cherry . I ended my last blog with the question of whether or not Dexter and Rita get it on . Before even watching episode 3 , " Popping Cherry " , I was hoping we could put that question to rest . Get my drift ? But to my surprise there was still no sex between our leading man and his innocent girlfriend Rita . The significance of the name of the episode has nothing to do with sex , but instead refers to the first time Dexter kills someone . Now with the third episode under my belt I am starting to see where Dexter gets his craving to kill the " bad guys . " At some point in every episode we are taken back to a certain moment in his life where he is given advice from his dad , Harry Morgan , a former cop . The first couple of flashbacks were when his dad was first noticing that Dexter had a liking for killing things . His father seemed concerned for his son but never steered away from staying supportive . It is becoming more and more apparent that Harry Morgan has made a huge impact in Dexter 's lifestyle . His father never seemed to encourage a killing but somehow helped him become the professional killer he is today . His father always stood true to getting rid of the bad guys and something that always stuck with Dexter was the thought of getting rid of the bad guy before he hurts more good guys . Although Dexter has a crazy mind of his own , his first killing was due to his father 's request . Dexter kills his father 's nurse because his father tells him that she is giving him and the other patients too much morphine . With certainty in his eyes , Harry tells Dexter to get rid of her . His first killing was messy and unorganized which makes you think about how many people he must have killed before he became so precise . Now with the plot thickening we have a couple of different stories that branching off . Debs is still trying to figure out how to get her ideas be known without having Lieutenant Maria LaGuerta shut her up . She has been finding leads from the whores she worked with on a previous undercover job . Sergeant James Doakes is intertwined into a mess from sleeping with previous victim Rickey Simmons ' wife , who are both dead now . And then there 's sweet little Rita . In the first episode Dexter says how she is good for him because she her own problems and boy was he right . Although they are total opposites , it seems like their relationship is benefiting the both of them . Rita is trying to move on from her abusive past with the help of Dexter who is slowly finding his own softer side , even though he claims to not have a heart earlier on in the episode . I 'm going to rate this episode a solid 4 . Fortunately the show is becoming more interesting which I prefer rather than an awesome start and a boring ending . With the third episode coming to the end there are new questions arising but still one question remains … when do they get it on ! ? Dexter , Episode 2 : Crocodile . Once again I chose to watch the next episode of Dexter with just me , myself and I . As I shut off all the lights in my room and got into a comfortable position on my bed I noticed I had hope that this time around I would get hooked onto the show that I 've heard so many glorious things about . As I had previously mentioned in my first Dexter blog , I was unsure about whether or not I was a fan of Dexter Morgan . While I watched the opening to episode two : Crocodile , I questioned how I could be against such a good looking character . Then I quickly remembered that it is not Dexter I was swooning over , but in fact the actor that plays Dexter Morgan . Michael C . Hall is the present day Dexter who contributes to the very few likeable characteristics of this character . Besides of his good looks , another likable factor of Dexter is his intelligence . It is obvious that he knows his line of work very well and is the master of anything blood . Watching him investigate the crime scene where they found Rickey Simmons , a cop , it is clear that he has no doubt in his knowledge when it comes to dead bodies . Just in the first twenty minutes of episode 2 there is much more of a connection to who Dexter is as a person rather than what Dexter does in his line of work as a forensics expert or a killer . His relationship with his sister Debra is not necessarily cold but definitely not the normal brother and sister pair . It comes off as if their odd dynamic is due to the fact that she is a cop and he works for the cops . Since it is only episode 2 I am sure there is much more to this relationship as the season progresses . With the help of Debs , as he refers to his sis , Dexter finds the truck of the " no blood " murderer . After looking through the truck they find five frozen fingers evenly cut up , each with a different color painted on the nails . In the beginning of the episode we watch Dexter look intensely at the Barbie parts that were left in his refrigerator . He holds up the hand where we can see the five plastic fingernails all polished a different color . How ironic ? Dexter believes he is trying to impress him and he admits its working . Along with Rickey Simmons and his wife being killed in this episode there is Matt Chambers , a drunk driver who has killed many helpless people in many different states . Dexter stalks him throughout the episode and by the end he adds him to his collection of blood slides . Aside from his close relationship with his sister , we see Dexter and Rita getting closer in every way possible except physical . The fact that he has suggested to his sister to double date with her current fling and him and Rita makes me believe he is into her more than he understood from last episode . He shows compassion for her when he admits to himself that he wants to take it slow because whenever he gets involved with someone it takes a turn for the worst . The fact that she has a hard time being sexual with him is secretly helping the relationship move forward because of his lack of interest in intimacy . I liked this episode a lot more than the first one and I am ranking it a 4 . The characters are becoming more likable and the storyline is picking up . It leaves me wondering , who is his next victim ? But more importantly , will Rita and Dexter ever have sex ? When I found out I was assigned to watch season one of Dexter I initially was very happy . I have a few close friends that have been a fan of the show and whether they have been watching it since 2006 when it first aired , or have been catching up with the help of Netflix , most if not all of the reviews have been nothing less than great . This set my expectations pretty high as I got ready to watch the coveted Dexter all alone . I decided to watch the series by myself so there would be no distraction and didn 't want to have any influence on how I would react to what I was watching . Although I got to take it all in with no input from anybody else , there were times throughout the episode I wished I wasn 't alone . We are first introduced with Dexter Morgan , the star of the show , driving along the streets of Miami where he claims , " Tonight 's the night . And it 's going to happen again … and again . " For the entire introduction the mood on screen was very dark and the audience was shown all different walks of life along the Miami streets . With each character they zoomed into , I wondered if this one was going to be a significant person to the story . But soon after it cuts away from Dexter driving it is clear that there is no secret between the audience and the mind of Dexter . The way the audience is set up to view the show is like being in the mind of Dexter Morgan himself . Throughout the entire episode I felt completely indecisive as to whether or not I liked Dexter Morgan . A forensics expert and blood spatter specialist working for the Miami Metro Police Department by day , and a blood hungry killer by night . Dexter helps track down the bad guys but then becomes one by killing them on his own time . It is clear that Dexter feels something within him that makes him ravenous to kill . The moments where we are taken back to the earlier years of his life we get a better understanding as to why his situation has developed to what now seems to be a full blown killing spree . Maybe if we weren 't in on the little secret of him having no care in the world for anyone on earth except for his sister Debra Morgan and possibly Rita Bennett , his " love " interest , I would sympathize with him more . When the episode comes to an end we are left wondering how the infamous " no blood " murderer has entered Dexter 's house while leaving behind a Barbie sized victim in his refrigerator . Most people would feel angry and violated but not our leading man . Dexter is left feeling inspired and ready to play this " game . " Overall I would rate this episode a solid 3 . I was interested in where it was going but I wasn 't completely into it . I felt like a lot of things were predictable . What would you do if you came across information that was purposely being hidden from the public because of scandalous reasons ? When it regards government documents and things of that nature , most people have turned their heads away in order to avoid being a " snake " as some would refer to it . And then there are those few people who will face fear in the eye , regardless of the repercussions , and put their names on the line in order for the truth to come out . Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein belong with the very few people who stared fear in the eye . These two journalists took the road less traveled by deciding to pursue the investigation of what we now call , the Watergate Scandal . If you are not familiar with this scandal , allow me to fill you in . To put it simple , these two reporters stood their ground and continued to fight to shed light on the secrets of our government which eventually led President Nixon to resign . Woodward and Bernstein displayed loyal journalism by straying away from what was expected from them and could have quite possibly lost their paying jobs because of it . In the documentary " Lighting the Fire " , featured from All The Presidents Men , we get a closer look into the severity of this scandal and the boundaries these two journalists had to overcome . With the help of many experienced journalists , the documentary enlightens its viewers to see how reporting can take on a sour tone when it is mixed with the idea that the high exposed news stories are the ones that are most important . Linda Ellerbee , an American journalist who was featured in " Lighting the Fire " , explains that offending the fewest was what everyone hoped for because it was all about " filling the seats . " After the Watergate Scandal , many journalism schools were packed with people who were inspired by the story . I myself feel appreciative to have had my eyes opened to this monumental moment in history . It is refreshing to hear that going against the majority and actually standing up for something you believe in has resulted into a rewarding outcome . Kudos to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein for being extremely courageous and setting the path for the future of journalism . Tillman the Legend . Now if some of you do not know who Richard Tillman is , I will give you a little background information as to why he was interviewed on Bill Maher 's show . Richard Tillman is the brother of Pat Tillman , a very well known solider who had died in the war because of " friendly fire . " Although at first glance you might be thinking , why is Pat 's story any different from the rest of the other soldiers that have died in the war ? The answer to that is simple . Pat Tillman was allegedly not killed in the war because of a friendly fire and this has caused a huge up roar from the Tillman family and supporters . I thought the interview between Maher and Richard Tillman was both very entertaining and informative . I enjoyed how Tillman was not afraid to speak his mind even though he was on national television . I have grown to become a fan of Bill Maher because I respect his priority to educate his audience on things that many people , who have the power to speak to the world , choose not to be as honest . I think the interview was a success not just because Maher asks the questions we all want to know but also because Tillman was more than willingly ready to answer them . Years after Richards brother died he and his family still don 't know what exactly happened that day that Pat was announced dead . Before watching this interview I will admit to not knowing anything about the Pat Tillman story . I feel fortunate to have been assigned to watch it because it was something that really stuck with me and had me sending the link to friends . It amazes me that our own government , the people that are meant to protect us , will sometimes betray us . It leaves you thinking , what else are they lying to us about ?

I am paralyzed by my grief . I met my husband on a blind date in high school , was married after we fell in love thru the mail while he was in Vietnam and this year was 40 yrs . Every memory I have is with him . Every inch of this house is him . I think every day that I will get up and do better . I will accomplish something . I will be helpful to my kids and grandkids who are grieving the sudden loss of their dad to an accident in June . But instead I isolate myself because I don 't want to make them sad . I don 't work so I don 't have a reason to get up , to set an alarm . I don 't want to commit to anything right now , not even volunteering although I keep saying I 'm going to volunteer for homeless veterans . I tell people that I will honor his memory by doing what he always did , by putting one foot in front of the other , but I 'm not doing it . I 'm getting worse , it seems and it doesn 't have anything to do with the holidays . I just can 't see feeling any different ever . Out of desperation I found this site today , and I 'm praying that it helps me . And that 's the other thing ; I just can 't seem to try to pull any strength from God right now . I 'm not angry ; I don 't see any point in anger . I 'm just sad . I want to honor his memory by being strong like he always was . I want to make new memories with my kids and grandkids . All my life there were never enough hours in the day , working , going to college , raising kids , cooking , gardening , working on the house . And now there are way too many hours in every day . Is it time to go to bed yet ? If it weren 't for my sleepy pill I wouldn 't even have that . I think I need grief counseling although I have fought that because I feel as if I can 't deal with anyone else 's grief on top of my own . Comments for Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief by : Cyndi I thought I was alone until I read these blogs . I was recently married March 2010 . My husband was dx . with cancer in Dec . and die in April . My little brother was killed 8 days later . I am so paralyzed . I am working , but just existing . I come home from work and can 't do anything but watch tv . I can 't even cook for myself I decided to go with ediets on line . They prepare 21 meals for you and deliver them to your house . I want to move back to NJ where my family is but have a mother in law 2 hours away from me , she is healthy . I really want to watch my brother 's two year old grow up . He lost his daddy and I lost my brother and husband . I feel so confused . I do not even have the energy to go through my husband 's things . I tried to , but could not . I am lost . Learning to Grieve by : Leslie Young Joann , I am so sorry for you loss and understand the isolation you are going through . I lost my daughter in a car accident and ever since that day I can 't help feeling it 's all my fault . I am in constant grief all the time , but I have found the techniques on http : / / onlineceucredit . com / edu / social - work - ceus - dl help provide me with some advice on how to overcome my grief . I hope it helps you as it has helped me . Dec 27 , 2011 by : Zoe Whether it is a parent who has lost a child , a child who has lost a parent , or a wife who has lost her husband , all of these griefs are different , but the one thing they hold in common is that you must live with them . Grief will ride you like a wild wave in the ocean throwing you in the air one minute and slamming you to the ground the next . You are right , how can you deal with another 's pain if you cannot stand your own . It is ok to be greedy with your grief . We have been where you are , watching dishes pile up , things that were done in the normal course of the day just sitting . There is no right or wrong way to grieve . You have to feel your way though , like a newly blinded person with no cane . There were many days when I stayed in bed . I do work , so I would get up , go to work , then come home and get in bed . That was it . Even now , 19 months since I lost John it still hits me , hard , when I least expect it . Does it get better , it gets , different . You mind gets to a place where you can function . Sort of , the basics come , then some other things . I bought a house after John died , I could not live in the one we were building together . So I bought a house and balled up in a little ball . Just now , I am working on making it our house , the place he would love to be . He will always be with me , we will always be . You will have to feel your way through this . But know in the middle of the night when you need to scream your pain , come here . We are always here , and we always listen . and when you can do nothing more , remember one breath , one step , one day at a time . by : Judith in California JoAnn , I 'm sorry for your loss . Please know you 're in the right place for all of us here have been where you are and some of us are still hurting deep down tho we move on each day doing what needs to be done . We are still lonely when night falls and we still reach out for them and touch where they layed beside us . Please know also that there is no weakness in grieving . It takes great strength to go on this grief journey having to put one foot in front of the other each day . It 's an emotional roller coaster ride of your life and you will be different and stronger on the other side of it when you get there . God and your Husband are watching and will lead you through it . Please come here often as we all do from time to time . by : Marilyn You are expecting way too much of yourself at this point in your grief . Just give time , time . And you said yourself , you have plenty of that . I lost my husband and best friend , Cliff , a year and 3 months ago . In the beginning , I was forever running to tell him something or ask him about something , or getting up when I thought I heard him coming in from work . But he wasn 't there and wasn 't going to be anymore . At first , I thought I could outrun the grief and pain , by staying busy and not being home . I would work out of town more and had a vacant apartment I could stay in , off season , and be around my family and all the noise and distractions that go with them . Then I realized I had to go home and deal with the grief and my new reality . The holidays came and went last year and I was sure that at the 6 month point , in mid March 2010 , I would be back to normal and up and running full speed . . . After all , I have always been an independent business woman and could spring back from anything . I did not realize until month 8 , that I had been in a safe state of shock and that 's how I got through those first months and the holidays , I do not remember . Now the pain was being felt more and it got worse , approaching that one year mark and shortly after . Somehow I am now coming out of the fog . I was shocked when I found empty folders , with no paperwork , for some months of my bookkeeping and I was more shocked months later to find the paperwork for these months , neatly clipped together under piles of not so junk mail I had never opened . I do not remember those months and certainly not doing this paperwork . It reminded me of a poem called " Footprints in the Sand " http : / / llerrah . com / footprints . htmJust know that this is a long slow process we are all going through , but most importantly , KNOW that you WILL come through it . Meanwhile , take good care of yourself . Yes , YOURSELF ! Be selfish , if that 's what it takes , to help you get through this . Your happiness is very important to you right now . So if you want to stay up all nighDec 12 , 2011 by : M Mack Joann , I am sorry for your loss . I know you think this pain will never end but as time goes on , it slowly lessens to be tolerable . You always feel it but you learn and grow to tuck it away in a safe private place . At 15 months for me , I am still having bad days , but they are not as often as before . Take it one day at a time . Don 't worry about what you need to do . Worry about taking care of you first . You 'll find that if you pamper yourself a little , it feels good . Also , I read a lot about afterlife and i noticed you even got a message from dr medhaus - channellingerik has really helped me . You realize they are still around , you just don 't see them in the physical sense . Finally , don 't be angry at God . Call on your faith for support and inner strength . It has helped me tremendously . It is so hard to loose the love of your life but you were chosen as someone who can do this by a higher being . The pic you submitted - was it always partially framing you ? If not , that would be considered a great sign ! Take care and sending my prayers for comfort . Dec 12 , 2011 by : drmedhus Have you checked out Channeling Erik ? I am a physician and mother of five who recently lost my 20 year old son , Erik . I started the blog to journal my grief , hoping I would heal by helping others . But soon Erik made his continued existence known to family , friends and blog members . As a physician with a strong background in science , this shook my entire paradigm to the core , especially since I was raised by two atheists ! Now , I channel Erik through a world renown medium , asking him questions about death , the afterlife , the nature of reality and more . Lately , we 've been asking him to bring famous celebrities to interview including Elvis , Carl Sagan , Sai Baba , Michael Jackson , and 350 more . Erik also has a penchant for visiting blog members to give them advice , comfort , or play little pranks ( messing with electronics , sending noxious smells , hiding items in plain sight , etc . ) Over the past few months , he 's become a worldwide phenomenon and has been interviewed on many national and international shows , including The Sheila Gale Show . Currently , a screenwriter is writing a pilot for a TV show based on Erik 's life and afterlife - a weekly one hour drama , fiction based on truth . Please understand that Erik is no guru or Dalai Lama . In fact , he curses like a sailor and has an irreverent sense of humor , but in a way , that 's part of his allure . Erik is one of us , someone who once struggled in life and , like us , he 's still searching for answers to those bigger questions . I hope you join us on our journey . by : Wendy Dear Joanne , Let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss . I lost my husband suddenly this July in a tragic accident . I too feel paralyzed . Although we met later in life , 13 years ago , and just married in May of 2010 he was my soulmate , my best friend . We did everything together . And now I am just lost . i don 't think I have any words to comfort you , but I can tell you that you are not alone . I hesitantly joined a support group 2 months after the accident , and I have to tell you I am so glad i did . I tried private counseling , but with the loss of my husbands income I just couldn 't afford it . Being in a room with a group of people who know exactly how you feel is wonderful . I have support from a small circle of friends , but to be honest they really can 't understand . I encourage you to give it a try , if it makes you uncomfortable you are not obligated to continue . i also find myself isolating myself from others , which I know isn 't healthy . People can 't help if you don 't let them in . I have been disappointed by many , but many others have been there every step of the way . I know it 's cliche , and I still can 't take my own advice , but I am always reminded that maybe we have to live the best life we can to honor their memory . If you ever need someone to talk to you are welcome to email me at wrreefer @ hotmail . com . Take one second , one hour , one day at a time . One breath . . . one step . My prayers are with you . Wendy by : Mary Joann , Your story and feelings sound like mine . I lost my husband , Gene on Dec . 8 , 2010 . After a short battle with cancer ( 7weeks ) . I have just passed the one year mark . It has been a very difficult year . I too did not go to grief counseling . I found I could not help myself , let alone help anyone else . I too do not work . I am 64 , Gene and I were married for 40 years and I had retired from teaching after 35 years . I do have a strong faith and that has truly helped get me through the dark days . So try to hold on to your faith , I promise it does help . I can understand the isolation , I too did the same . Only wanting to be home . I felt closer to Gene when I was in my own home . I must say that my wonderful family and friend really helped me through the isolation and I am doing better . I also feel that I should be volunteering or doing something but I haven 't felt up to doing that , so in many ways I know how you feel Being a widow is very difficult . Just hang in there - keep your faith in God . I know that some day I will see my Gene again , I think that 's what helps me get through each and every day . by : Lisa I know exactly how you feel ! : ( I lost the love of my life on August 27th this year . . . . he was 82 . . . . I 'll be 50 this friday . : ( I don 't have children or grandchildren . . . . just 2 little poodles to keep me company . . . . sometimes they help . . . . sometimes they don 't . I quit my job in May to stay home and take care of hubby . . . . don 't regret a single second of my time with him ! I had to get a job after he passed away to pay the bills and keep our house . . . . . my job is saving my sanity right now or I 'd probably sleep the rest of my life away ! My hubby was on hospice since May . . . . they were so kind and helpful to both of us ! I 've gone to their grief group . . . it lasted 6 weeks . My Mom asked if I felt better after going . . . . I told her it wasn 't a cure . . . and no . . . I didn 't feel better but it was nice to cry with others about my own grief and theirs . I also started one - on - one sessions before the group but had to quit when I started my job . . . I 'm thinking I need to reschedule . The holidays just seem like a blur . . . they 're my first without hubby in 25 years ! : ( anyway . . . . I wanted to let you know your local hospice should be available for you for free even if your husband wasn 't on hospice . . . . whenever you 're ready ! we had a lady come who lost her loved one 2 years ago and is just now starting to grieve because everyone was telling her to just * get over it already * ! I find that horribly insensitive ! I hope and pray you find peace . . . . I know it 's hard . . . . I still haven 't found mine ! Dec 11 , 2011 by : TrishJ Joann ~ You are suffering from grief . The more we loved our husbands the harder we grieve . I lost my husband one year ago . I 've made some progress but I still miss him so much . Last year he was gone only three weeks when Christmas came . This year is harder ~ last year I was still in a state of shock and barely remember the holidays . I have two grown children and three very young grandsons . We were married for 37 1 / 2 years . I was 19 when I met him so I know little else in life . He always said he raised me . He was 9 years older than I was but always younger at heart . My children have moved on with their lives although I know they miss their dad terribly . My little grandsons stopped asking where pop pop was months ago . That breaks my heart . I have no motivation one year later . I have to start looking for a job after the first of the year . Not necessarily for money . . . I have way too much time on my hands . I need a reason to get up in the mornings . Volunteer work is something I 'm really considering . I went through exactly what you are experiencing . I wasn 't exactly angry with God . I was very upset with myself for not having more faith and leaning on him more . I didn 't really doubt him . I just wasn 't in the mood for God . I felt like he wasn 't listening as I cried myself sick and begged for some relief to my pain . Isn 't that terrible ? My good friend talked me out of that . She recommended I read a book called Talking to Heaven by James Van Praagh . He 's a psychic ( some people are very skeptical ) . He taught me how to read the little signals I am getting from Joe . They 're subtle signs but they are there . Joe let 's me know at least once a week that he 's with me and it 's so comforting . But still . . . . . I miss him and I always will . Friends are starting to talk about fixing me with this guy and that guy . I 'm not ready for that . No way . I miss Joe too much . I 'm not going to get over it in one year . Don 't push yourself and get angry if you feel like you aren 't making progress . Grief is a lot of work . I think I 'm about 50 % to whDec 11 , 2011 by : angela hi i have had grief councrlling since my mum died in june and it really helps to have someone to talk to who is independent of the situation . i can now cope with the pain of loseing my best friend and mum , its not any easier the pain is still there but it just helps u cope , lv and god bless hope u can find the strength to go on . it is so hard to lose a loved one and nothing can make it go away or make it fair but just make it a little easier yo bear and to go on living for ur family . im sure thats what ur husband would have wanted xxx by : Joann and I have no idea why my photo has me so disjointed in it except for that 's the way I feel . That was our anniversary dinner this Feb before his sudden accident June 17 . Click here to add your own comments

Okay , first things first - the overall idea for this fic does not belong to me ! I saw this post ( http : / / affectingly . tumblr . com / post / 30245332788 ) on twitter and got bunnied HARD . Soooo , hope that 's cool ! Second , this is not nearly as fleshed out as it could be , so someone should still totally write the 120K version . Because I would like to read it . Third , all my knowledge of the inner workings of fraternities comes from bad movies and wikipedia , ie , if something is blatantly wrong , feel free to point it out to me , and I will do my best to correct it ! Unless that proves terribly complicated , in which case I will probably hand wave it and claim that this is my house , my rules . The first part of this is a definite T rating ; the second part will be higher . Also , everyone is of age . So far , college has taught Stiles three things : 1 ) Eight am classes are cruel and unusual and should be avoided at all costs , even if it means having to enroll in something truly hideous instead , like Econ 101 . 2 ) Dorm security is just as tight as Stiles ' orientation leader had promised it would be , and the dude guarding Scott 's dorm in particular does not respond well to bribes . 3 ) Mrs . McCall clearly had no clue what she was talking about when she 'd insisted that Scott and Stiles needed to branch out and room with strangers , so it 's all her fault that Scott ended up with a total dick of a roommate and Stiles got stuck all the way across campus with some guy who has a girlfriend two towns over and is thus never around . Which means it is also her fault that Stiles has resorted to climbing his way up the back of Scott 's dorm building in order to knock on his window . He 's on his third round of taps when the window suddenly flies open and there 's Scott , wielding a baseball bat . Stiles yelps , lets go of the window sill , and plummets . Granted , it 's only ten feet , give or take , but still . Ow . " Stiles ! " Scott hisses , leaning out of the window to frown down at him . " What are you doing ? " " You weren 't answering your phone ! " Stiles says , wincing as he sets up . God damn it , ow , ow , that is going to leave a bruise . " It 's 11 : 30 , why the hell are you in your pajamas ? And why do you have a bat ? " " I was tired , " Scott says defensively , totally ignoring the question of the baseball bat . " And . . . Jackson wanted an early lights out . " Stiles snorts . " You mean he was worried about getting his beauty sleep , " he mutters . Scott has no response for that , either , which means Stiles is totally right . " Okay , come on , " he says , getting to his feet and dusting himself off . " Get dressed , meet me out front in five minutes . " " For what ? " Scott asks , trying and mostly failing to keep his voice to a whisper . " Frat party , " Stiles grins . " Totally informal rush thing , I hear - it 's in the middle of t * When Scott appears , he 's got a clearly pissed off Jackson in tow , and Stiles groans . " Are you kidding me ? " he asks . " Tell me I 'm seeing things , Scott , tell me I 'm hallucinating here . " " He woke up when I tripped over my shoes , " Scott says sheepishly . " And then he wanted to come . " " How did you even hear about this ? " Jackson asks , shooting Stiles a look filled with that special brand of disdain only he seems able to manage . " You sure some upperclassman isn 't sending you on a snipe hunt ? " " Hilarious , " Stiles snaps . " A guy on my floor has an older brother in one of the frats , and he passed the invite along to the rest of us . It 's legit , okay ? A chance for everyone to scope each other out . " " We 'll see about that , " Jackson mutters , then pulls out his phone and starts texting , a clear demonstration of his intent to ignore Stiles and Scott the rest of the way to the party , which is just fine by Stiles . Scott still looks vaguely sheepish and apologetic , but Stiles just bumps his shoulder with his own . " This 'll be fun , yeah ? " he says cheerfully . " Get excited , Scott , this is step one in our pursuit of the true college experience ! " " I have a nine am lecture tomorrow , " Scott says mournfully . Stiles slings an arm around his shoulder and marches him determinedly in the direction of the woods that surround campus . " Guys in fraternities ? " he says . " Get invited to the parties that the sorority girls throw . " " Well , " Scott says , obviously perking up . " I don 't think my professor really takes attendance , anyway . " " That 's my boy , " Stiles says , giving his shoulder a squeeze . " Now let 's go get irresponsibly drunk on a school night ! " The party 's a good one . Stiles had spent maybe five minutes worried that it was all some epic hazing ritual in disguise , but all it turns out to be is a few kegs , and a bunch of frat brothers milling around , mingling with the mostly freshmen and sophomores who are interested in rushing . It 's chill , and it 's fun , and strangely enough , Stiles feels kind of grown up about the whole thing . " Talked to anyone good yet ? " Stiles asks as Scott meanders back over to him , a silly grin plastered on his face . Scott 's already four solo cups in , and Stiles would be worried about him making a terrible impression , except that Scott tends to get exponentially more adorable with each drink he has . The dude is fucking charming , so Stiles has been letting him roam free , in the hopes that some frat brother will decide he wants to take him home to keep . Like a puppy . " Most of ' em sound kinda lame , " Scott sighs , flopping down next to Stiles , his beer sloshing dangerously close to the edge of his cup . " The two main ones though - those sound better . I was talkin ' to Boyd - he 's the President of Omega Delta Pi ? He 's nice . And I met Isaac , too , who 's the VP - he says they 're supposed to call themselves the Omegas , like , the lone wolves , I think ? But he personally prefers Order of Megatron . Get it ? ' Cause Order starts with ' O , ' and then Megatron - " " Megatron is evil , " Stiles says , sounding horrified . " Oh my God , are you trying to get us to rush a fraternity of future supervillains - in - training ? " Scott chuckles , the sound slow and slurry with alcohol . " Dude , no , " he says . " Isaac 's totally cool , you should meet him ! An ' Boyd , too . Anyway , they 're better than Derek . Derek 's a dick . " " Who 's Derek ? " Stiles asks , looking around curiously . Scott leans way into his personal space , like he 's trying to get a feel for Stiles ' exact line of vision before he lifts his arm and points an obvious finger toward the guy who appears to be overseeing the kegs . Stiles squints , trying to get a bet * The rush process goes by quickly . There are a few more formal events , during which Scott and Stiles make the rounds with various Omegas , doing their best to seem like perfect candidates for recruitment . They 're both hanging out in the student union when Isaac shows up with their bids , a big grin on his face . " Yessss , " Scott says gleefully , signing his name with a flourish . " This is awesome ! " " Totally , " Stiles agrees , scribbling down his own signature and kind of beaming up at Isaac . Whatever , he 's happy , he is allowed . " Congratulations to the both of you , " Isaac says as he collects their bids . He 's still grinning , warm and genuine . " We 'll be in touch soon . Glad to have you guys pledging . " Stiles settles back into his chair once Isaac leaves , humming happily to himself . They 're not in quite yet , but this is step one , and Stiles is determined to make it through whatever else is coming their way . " The first thing you have to know , " Isaac says conspiratorially , " is that the Alphas are dicks . " " Oh , we already knew that , " Stiles replies . " Seriously , they gave Scott 's roommate a bid , and he is king of the dicks . Well , no , Derek 's the king of the dicks , I 'm pretty sure . Jackson can be the queen . Of the dicks . " " He 's not that bad , " Scott says . " He is exactly that bad , and as soon as I dig up some good dirt on him , I am blackmailing him until he agrees to switch roommates with me , " Stiles says . " Anyway , " Isaac breaks in , " Alphas . Dicks . There 's a longstanding rivalry between the Alphas and the Omegas . It is this rivalry which dictates our initiation rituals . " The pause he takes lasts way too long for Stiles ' attention span , so he prompts Isaac with a , " . . . rituals ? " " Essentially , you 're tasked with pranking the hell out of them , " Isaac says cheerfully . Stiles and Scott exchange a look . " . . . That 's it ? " Scott asks . " Just . . . pranks ? " " That 's it , " Isaac agrees . " No stupid , dangerous drinking games ? " Stiles asks , like he just needs to clarify . " No torturous demonstrations of physical fitness ? No totally disgusting , demeaning , humiliating demands made by the brothers ? " " Nope , " Isaac says . " The university cracked down on hazing , like , fifteen years ago . And everyone 's pretty much stuck to it , so . Make their lives as miserable as possible , so long as there 's nothing dangerous or dehumanizing involved . " " That we can do , " Stiles says , a slow grin spreading across his face . They start with Derek . More specifically , they start with Derek 's car . It seems like a good idea to aim high , to start off with a bang , and Derek drives the flashiest Camaro Stiles has ever seen . Which , as far as Stiles is concerned , makes it the perfect target . " You sure this is a good idea ? " Scott asks . " I 'm sure this is a great idea , " Stiles assures him . Five rolls of saran wrap later , Derek 's car is tightly wrapped up in dozens of layers . Nothing permanently damaging , but it 's going to take some serious patience to rip away all of the plastic without scratching the paint job . Scott snaps a few pictures on his camera phone , while Stiles places a miniature Megatron on the windshield , which he thinks makes for a nice personal touch . " All right , " Jackson spits out as he storms into his and Scott 's room the next morning , looking furious . " Which one of you shitheads did it ? " " Did what ? " Scott asks , and man , Stiles will forever be appreciative of his best friend 's ability to play dumb . " Wrapped Derek 's car in saran wrap ! " Jackson explodes . " He had me and three other pledges out there for two hours unwrapping it ! " " I have literally no idea what you 're talking about , " Stiles says , even though he is dying of laughter on the inside . " There was a megatron on the windshield ! " Jackson says . His eyes are going a little bit bulging , even , and Stiles wonders if he 's about to pop , which would most definitely be an added bonus to their prank . " Probably some kids , then , " Scott says with a shrug . " That 's a good one though , " Stiles adds . " Saran wrap . I 'll have to remember that . " Jackson growls , practically gnashes his teeth before he stomps right back out , the door slamming behind him , which leaves Stiles and Scott free to fall all over each other , shaking with silent laughter . In retrospect , Stiles thinks Isaac probably could have done more to warn them about the swift and terrible retribution they should have expected . It 's been five days since they plastic - wrapped Derek 's car , and Stiles is starting to think retaliation just isn 't coming . " It 's suspicious though , " he muses to Scott . " The Saran Wrap - there was nothing really epic about it . Like - that 's pretty clearly an opening salvo in a prank war . They should be getting us back with something by now . " " Dude , you 're going to jinx us ! " Scott explains . Stiles scoffs , but that 's when his phone buzzes in his pocket , and he slides it open to a text from Isaac . " Oh no , " Stiles says , his heart leaping into his throat . " Ohhhhh no , shit , if they did anything to my Jeep , I swear to God - " He doesn 't finish the thought before he 's taking off for the campus parking lot , where his Jeep 's been sitting for the past three days . Most people don 't use their cars during the week that much , since campus isn 't really that big , and Stiles stupidly hasn 't thought to check on it . He has visions of dented hoods , smashed in windows , of slashed tires and keyed paint jobs , and it spurs him on even faster , running flat out until he 's gasping for air . Scott 's right on his heels , and the two of them skid to a stop once they reach Stiles ' parking spot . His Jeep looks . . . fine . It looks perfectly normal , and Stiles frowns , then digs his phone out again . " Check my car , " he mutters , stepping forward to he can tug the door open . " What the hell was he - oh my God - " He nearly retches as he 's hit by the most overwhelmingly godawful stench he has ever had the misfortune to sniff . Scott actually does gag , stumbling away with a choked cry of , " Holy shit , what 'd they do ? " " I don 't know , " Stiles gasps ; the stench is so awful his eyes are almost watering , and he might actually be sick . His phone buzzes vibrates again , and he opens the new message from Isaac immediately . fish under the drivers seat it reads . they got almost all of us " That is low , " Stiles says , eyes flashing as he shows the text to Scott . " Oh , this is war - THIS IS WAR , " he shouts , uncaring of the stares he gets for it . Scott 's too busy gagging to join in the war cry , but Stiles is pissed enough for both of them , so that 's okay . Sneaking into the Alpha house ( the Den , the Alphas call it , which is the most ludicrous thing Stiles has ever heard ) turns out to be ridiculously easy . They do it in the middle of the night - Scott , Stiles , and the rest of their pledge class - easing silently in through a downstairs window that someone neglected to close , each of them armed with a tub of butter , plastic gloves , and a jar of vaseline . They send Matt on ahead to make sure everyone in the frat is at sleep , or at the very least , tucked away in their rooms , and as soon as Matt gives them the okay , they get to work . The downstairs of the Alpha house ( Stiles refuses to call it the Den ) is like a freaking rabbit warren - a maze of hallways and doors . It 's a rabbit warren for the rich , however , because every inch of it is comprised of hardwood floors . Nice hardwood floors . Slick and shiny hardwood floors that get even slicker when you 've rubbed them down with butter . They start at the edges and work their way in , making sure to leave an escape path to the window , which they can fill in as they go . While they work , Stiles goes around and slathers the vaseline onto every door and cabinet handle he can find ; he makes sure to hit the faucets , too . Their initial plan is to stick to the ground floor , but it 's going quicker than Stiles thought , like maybe they 're going to be out of here in under half an hour , as opposed to the original hour they had allotted . A half an hour is a blip , their odds of getting caught are way down if they 're going to be in and out that quickly , which makes Stiles think that maybe they can take this a little further . He motions to Scott to keep everyone quiet , then carefully picks his way up the stairs - which have thoughtfully not been buttered , as they are not in the business of attempted maiming . He 's faced with more hallways , lined with doorways , and he quickly gets to work , buttering a splotch of floor in front of each , then adding the vaseline as a finishing touch . He works quickly and silently , resisting the urge to hum al * Scott is panicking . Like , the kind of panicking that leads to hyperventilating , that leads to hysterics , and Stiles has been trying to calm him down for the past ten minutes . " Hey , we 'll fix it , we 'll dye it back - and anyway , it could be worse ! " Stiles soothes . " How could this be worse , " Scott moans , staring at his bright pink hair . Stiles still isn 't sure how the Alphas even did it , except that he knows Scott is the world 's deepest sleeper , and Jackson is a rotten snake of a roommate . " Well , it could be me , too ? " Stiles supplies , and Scott tackles him , yelling all sorts of abuse . It 's mid - October , and they 're about six weeks into the pledge process , when two beautiful girls show up at the Omegas ' front door . It 's just Scott and Stiles holding down the fort ; the full - fledged brothers are all tailgating , and the rest of the pledge class all seems to be pre - med and are thus at an exam review session their TA is leading , even though it 's a Saturday morning . It had been agreed upon at the last pledge meeting that leaving the Omega house unattended was just asking for trouble . They 've successfully attacked the Alpha house twice now , after all , and Stiles can practically smell Jackson 's rampaging desire for revenge every time he comes within ten feet of the guy . So Scott and Stiles are on Alpha duty . It 's not terrible ; they 've got a wealth of snacks at their fingertips , and they 've been playing Call of Duty for something like three hours now . There 's homework to be done , sure , but that 's what Sunday is for , as far as Stiles is concerned . Stiles has just blown Scott up ( yet again , because Call of Duty is not Scott 's game ) when a knock at the door interrupts them . Scott exchanges a glance with Stiles , before getting up to look out through the peephole . Stiles gets to his feet , too , just in case , but Scott doesn 't bother to confer before he 's grinning hugely and flinging the door open . " Hello ! " he says enthusiastically , his beaming , puppy dog smile blinding on his face . Stiles peeks over his shoulder and sees two girls - a tall , leggy brunette , standing with a gorgeous strawberry - blonde with sparkling brown eyes and a wickedly superior expression on her face . Stiles thinks he might be a little bit smitten . " Hi , we 're so sorry to bother you , " the brunette says . " I 'm Allison , and this is Lydia . Is there any chance we could come in and raid your refrigerator ? We 're supposed to be putting on this dinner tonight , and we 're out of some major staples . " " We hear you might have some butter to spare , " Lydia chimes in , and Stiles and Scott share the smuggest of s * Scott and Stiles try to call out when they hear voices on the other side of the door , but it 's too late ; the door swings open , cutting a swathe through the cups nearest to the entryway and creating a mini tidal wave across the living room floor . " What the hell - " Stiles hears Boyd exclaim , and he winces . Ugh , this is so not going to be good . He desperately hopes the Alphas don 't have a technological genius on their side who captured Scott and Stiles ' miserable humiliation on video . " Hey , guys ? " Stiles calls out , straining against the banister . He supposes it was nice of Derek to not hang him upside down or something , but he 's getting a definite crick in his neck . " Little help here ? " Please note , the rating on this fic has changed ! Also , I am a lying liar who LIES , because there is going to be a third chapter of this , hah , so hopefully nobody minds that too terribly much . Thanks so much for all of your lovely comments ! ' Tis much appreciated , and I do apologize for the wait for part two . My life 's been crazy this past week , and this is the first chance I 've had to update . I 'm hoping to have part three up within the week , though I can 't make any promises . ( And for those of you reading Blood is Pounding in Our Veins , I 'll be updating that one first , it 's just a matter of when I can get the next chapter finished ! ) Thanks again for reading , and I hope you enjoy ! Operation : Make Derek Hale 's Head Spectacularly Explode begins with waiting . It 's important , Stiles knows , to build up the anticipation , to keep Derek and all of his little Alphas - in - training in suspense . They 'll know something epic is coming , but they won 't have any idea as to when , and Stiles will be able to wait until they 're going out of their minds with anticipation before he unleashes his mad genius . Of course , he still has to come up with a new prank , one that is acceptable levels of awesome . It 's already been a week , and he hasn 't been able to think of anything good enough . " What about TPing their frat house ? " Scott suggests , for the third time in an hour . " Nobody 's tried that yet . " " Yeah , " Stiles says , " because it 's lame . I 'm starting to think that the word ' epic ' doesn 't mean what you think it means , Scott . I need grandiose , unparalleled , a fucking masterpiece of a prank . " " So . . . gluing a quarter to their front porch is out ? " Stiles groans , letting his head drop to his arms . " It 's over , " he says dramatically . " I 'm all tapped out , I can 't think of anything big enough . It 's all been done before , Scott . All of it . " " Okay , well . . . how about instead of doing one big prank , you do a bunch of smaller ones ? " " Blitz ' em , " Stiles says abruptly , snapping back up to a sitting position . " One every day - maybe even two - they won 't be expecting that . Not after all this waiting . " " See , there you go ! " Scott says , sounding a lot more cheerful than he did a minute ago , when Stiles was mid - despair . Probably because now he thinks Stiles will let him go back to waxing poetic about Alison . " Problem solved ! " " You , I love , " Stiles says , giving Scott a clap on the back , before turning to his laptop to compile the most comprehensive list of classic pranks to ever exist . Opportunity the first falls into Stiles ' lap when he shows up at Scott 's dorm to pick him up for dinner . Scott 's door isn 't usually locked ( unless , of course , Jackson 's having one of his hissy fits , but Jackson 's been at the Alpha house more and more recently ) , so Stiles just throws it open like he usually does , except that the door refuses to open more than three inches . " Scott ? " he calls through the crack , trying to peek through to see what 's going on . " Oh , one second ! " Scott calls , and Stiles hears the sounds of scrambling , a few muffled thuds , and finally Scott grabs whatever 's blocking the door and shoves it out of the way , allowing Stiles to step inside . " Holy shit , " Stiles breathes , once he gets a look at the inside of the room . " It looks like a Gap exploded in here , what the hell , man ? " Scott shrugs his shoulders , glancing around at the mounds of clothes that are covering every available surface , and the laundry baskets that are lined up edge - to - edge on the floor . " I guess the pledges have to do the Alphas ' laundry during the pledge process , " he explains , " and Jackson 's been , uh . . . avoiding his turn . " " So . . . this laundry belongs to Derek and the other brothers , " Stiles says slowly . " Yup , " Scott nods . " Everything in the baskets is clean , the stuff on the beds and on the floor still needs washed . " " Oh my God , " Stiles says . " Oh my God , how could you not tell me about this ? Scott ! " Scott looks at him in bewilderment , and Stiles rolls his eyes . " Come on , " he says , grabbing Scott by the hand and yanking him toward the door . " Emergency shopping trip , let 's go . " * It takes some searching , but Stiles finally manages to track down a couple bottles of itching powder at a local party store . Their timing is perfect , because just as they 're coming back into the lobby of Scott 's dorm , Stiles spots Jackson carrying yet another basket of clothes toward the staircase that leads down to the laundry room . " That gives us , what , at least five minutes ? " Stile * " You didn 't bring anything ? " Stiles asks when Scott walks in , without even a change of clothes or a toothbrush . " I had to run for my life , " Scott says . " He growled and then lunged at me ; I barely made it out ! " Stiles falls all over himself laughing at that particular mental image . " Well , he 's not entirely stupid , " he finally wheezes . " All evidence to the contrary . " " Still , " Scott says , " no way am I going back there tonight . I think he might try to kill me in my sleep . " " Yeah , yeah , you can sleep in Mike 's bed . He is , once again , at his girlfriend 's , " Stiles says . " I 'll even loan you a pair of sweatpants to sleep in . " " Thanks , dude , " Scott says . It 's a good night . They play video games , eat some chips and salsa , and then sack out sometime around midnight . " Wish every night was like this , " Stiles mumbles . " Should 've been roommates , no matter what your mom said . " " Yeah , " Scott agrees . " Next year though , right ? " " Next year , " Stiles says , and it 's not long after Scott begins to snore softly that he falls asleep , too . Stiles knows he needs to hit hard and fast with another prank . Luckily , when he wakes up the next morning , he 's got the perfect idea already in mind . " Are you sure this is legal ? " Scott asks , sounding worried . " I mean . . . it feels like it might not be totally legal . " " Have you seen their frat house ? " Stiles demands . " Or , for that matter , Jackson 's car ? Derek 's car ? They can afford it . And I can follow up with the restaurants tomorrow ; if the Alphas decide to be dicks and refuse to pay , I 'll figure out a way to cover the costs . But I 'm betting on them not being total dicks . " " I thought that was rule one of our initiation - the Alphas are dicks , " Scott mutters . " Dude , shut up and give me that list , " Stiles says , and Scott obediently hands him the list of local delivery places they 'd decided on . They 'd tracked down the number of pretty much every delivery place in town , then narrowed it down to twenty from there . Most of the restaurants have a ten dollar delivery minimum , which only amounts to two hundred dollars . That 's a crapload of money if it 's just you , but with as many brothers as there are in Derek 's frat , Stiles knows they could easily have everyone pony up five bucks and be covered . Really , trying to force them to pay for the food isn 't even the point of the prank ; what Stiles is way more excited about is the prospect of a new delivery person showing up every ten minutes for a straight three hours . It 's a Sunday afternoon , too , which means everyone is probably either sleeping off a hangover or trying to finish their homework . It 's the perfect sort of day , really , to annoy the hell out of everyone and wreak general havoc . Stiles is looking forward to it . He and Scott are camped out at a payphone around the side of the library , while Danny and Matt are holed up in the coffee shop across the street from the Alpha house , where they can relay the house 's reaction to the never - ending deliveries . " Thanks for calling Pete 's Pizza , what can we do for you ? " a bored - so * It 's good . It 's so good . Matt calls an hour later in near hysterics . " Delivery guy number five just got here , " Matt wheezes through his laughter , " but delivery guy six showed up right after him , so Derek 's yelling at both of them at the same time . But he 's - oh shit , yes , he 's reaching for his wallet ! Good call , Stilinski , I think he feels too bad to send them away without paying them . " Stiles does a little victory pump , looking at Scott smugly . " Told you , " he says . " Damn it , I wish I could be there to see it . You 're taking a video , right ? " " Yup , " Danny says , in that steady drawl of his that never really gives anything away , but Stiles is 99 . 9 % sure he can detect some amusement there . " Got a perfect angle , the Omegas are gonna love it . " " Perfect , " Stiles says . " We 're gonna make another call , let me know if anything changes . " " You wanna try a Chinese place this time ? " Scott asks . " Maybe they could swing by here after - I could go for some egg rolls . " Stiles gives him an exasperated look . " Dude , no , " he says . " We can 't give them our location - they might tell Derek ! We 'll get something after we 're finished with this . " " But I 'm hungry now , " Scott whines . " Oh , for - fine , " Stiles says . " Go get some food , but you 'll have to bring it back here . I 'm not risking getting anything delivered . " " Yesss , " Scott says , leaping to his feet and already jogging toward the front gates . " Get me some General Tso 's chicken ! " Stiles yells after him , then turns back to his list to make call number eight . He 's on call number twelve , and Scott still isn 't back , when his phone rings . " H ' lo ? " he says , crossing off number eleven , so he doesn 't make the mistake of calling them a second time . " Hey , " Danny says . " You should know - Derek just threw on his jacket and stormed off . It looks like he 's headed towards campus . " " Hmmm , " Stiles says . " He probably just wanted to get away from the delivery guys for awhile . " " I don 't know , " Danny says . He sounds wary . " He looked kind of like a man on a mission . " " You really think he 's figured us out ? " Stiles asks . Danny doesn 't answer , but his silence speaks volumes . " Okay . I 'm gonna make one more call while I 'm here , then I 'll maybe head off campus and find a different payphone . " He 's halfway through said call when he glances up and sees Derek marching purposefully toward him . " Oh , shit , " he breathes and doesn 't even pause to hang the phone up , just grabs his jacket and runs . " Stiles ! " he hears Derek bark behind him , but there 's no way he 's stopping for anything right now , because Derek might actually kill him , and that would be terrible . In retrospect , the payphone by the library was way too obvious . He definitely should 've opted for the one up by the freaking observatory - nobody ever thinks to go there . Stiles can hear Derek gaining on him , and he 's cursing his decision to quit cross country back in high school . Still , even with Derek closing in , he can 't resist yelling back over his shoulder , " You should be thanking me ! I very thoughtfully provided your whole frat with lunch ! " It 's a mistake . Derek practically snarls and puts on a burst of speed that brings him close enough to Stiles that he can lunge forward and tackle him , right down into the dirt . Stiles makes a surprised noise , already scrabbling through the patchy grass in an attempt to get away , but Derek 's a solid weight on his back , pressing him inexorably down . " Ow , fuck , get off , " Stiles gasps . " You weigh a metric fuckton , God , do you ea * " Hold it - dude , hold it ! " " I am holding it ! Drill faster ! " " I can 't actually make the drill go any faster , Scott , and the screw isn 't going to stay anyway if you don 't hold the freaking thing still ! " " Do you even realize how heavy this is , Stiles ? I thought you said Danny was supposed to come help ! " Stiles glares at his best friend , who , admittedly , is looking a little bit red in the face . " He had a study group thing , " he says . " Last minute . Chill out , he 'll be here in time to help with the bed . " " I 'd rather have him here now to help with this stupid desk , " Scott says with a grunt . Stiles finishes drilling the first leg into the ceiling , then quickly moves on to the second one . Once that 's finished , he signals Scott , who should be able to ease up a little bit , now that two heavy - duty screws are holding the desk in place . " You know , " Scott says , panting as he speaks , " I recognize your genius and all , but why is it always me who has to help you with these things ? " " Because you 're my best friend ! " Stiles exclaims , stepping over onto Mike 's desk so he can start on leg number three . " My partner in crime ! The Watson to my Sherlock Holmes , the Robin to my Batman ! " Scott snorts . " On no planet are you Batman , " he says . " I could be Batman , " Stiles says , working some ire into his voice . Scott just scoffs again , so Stiles ignores him until he 's finished with the desk . He hops back down to the floor to admire his handiwork , feeling mightily pleased with himself as he takes in the sight of the nightstand , the desk , and the trashcan , all currently hanging upside down from the ceiling . They did the closet this morning , and Stiles found a couple thrift store t - shirts to stick in it , just to add to the illusion . All that 's left now is the bed and the dresser , but they 'll need an extra pair of hands for those . " C ' mon , admit it , " Stiles grins , nudging Scott with his elbow . " This is awesome . Jackson 's gonna flip . " " He is gonna flip , " Scott says , but he 's * By the time Friday rolls around , Stiles has spent at least two hours of his life trying to talk Scott out of this party , but Scott has remained stubborn as hell . The last time Stiles saw him dig his feet in like this was when they were nine years old , and Scott refused to go on the monster roller coaster at Six Flags . That was probably for the best though , because Stiles did go on it , and as it turns out , cotton candy , soda , and roller coasters might actually be the world 's worst combination of anything . " What are you even supposed to be ? " Stiles asks , eyeing Scott 's bare torso and the ridiculous , plastic - y wolf mask he 's pulled on . " A werewolf , " Scott says . " Allison likes them - I heard her tell Lydia she 's Team Edward . " " Are you actually stalking her now ? " Stiles asks , aghast . " And , dude - Edward is the sparkly vampire ! " " What ? No ! Are you sure ? " Scott demands . " How do you even know that ? " " Uh , because it 's common knowledge ? Oh my God , I can 't believe you backed out of going as a superhero with me to go as a furry wolfman , and you don 't even know who the wolf is . " " Well , at least I 'm not wearing tights , " Scott grumbles , but when he pushes his mask up , he 's looking decidedly self - conscious . Stiles sighs , a small measure of remorse stealing over him . " She 'll be too distracted by your general shirtlessness to even pay attention to the mask , " Stiles predicts . " I mean , that 's why you 've been doing sit ups for a year , right ? It 's totally paid off , dude . " That gets him a smile , and then Scott drops the mask back over his face . It 's a horrible , cheap thing , from the children 's section of a department store , but the masks were kind of non - negotiable . If an Alpha catches wind of either of them being at the party , they 're dead , and Stiles has no interest in being dead . Scott 's mask is a ridiculous , plastic abomination , but it does the trick . Besides , Stiles is pretty sure that most of the party goers looking Scott 's way will be too distracted by his a * The party is at the Delta Alpha Kappa house . It 's loud and crowded and the entire place reeks of beer . It 's basically every college stereotype Stiles has ever seen rolled into a seething mass of horny twenty - somethings , and it 's kind of stupidly awesome . The Spider - Man mask Stiles is wearing isn 't ideal for drinking , and it 's not like he 's going to take it off , so he 's mainly been sticking to downing quick shots with Scott at the makeshift bar that 's been set up in the kitchen . As a result , he is well on his way to pretty freaking drunk . It 's a life decision he feels decidedly awesome about . Scott , on the other hand , is moping , because they have yet to see Allison . " Where is she ? " he whines , leaning into Stiles ' side . " She 's supposed to be here ! " " First off , it 's only , like , eleven thirty , " Stiles reassures him . " Second , it 's a costume party . Maybe you just haven 't recognized her yet . " " And she can 't recognize me , " Scott says , like the thought has just occurred to him . " Maybe I should take off my mask - " " No , " Stiles breaks in , grabbing Scott 's hands away from where they 're already creeping up toward the mask in question . " No , you should under no circumstances remove your mask . The mask stays on . " " But I need to find her , " Scott says miserably . " I don 't think you understand , Stiles . I think - I think she might be my soul mate . My soul mate , Stiles . " Stiles resists the urge to roll his eyes , then remembers that Scott can 't see him , and does it anyway . " Come on , big guy , " he says , patting Scott on the chest . " Let 's take another look - it 's been awhile since we passed through the living room . " They 're barely three steps in when Stiles spots Allison , chatting happily with a group of girls , a drink in her hand . She 's dressed as a truly adorable Robin Hood , complete with a short skirt and a quiver of arrows . Stiles elbows Scott to catch his attention , and he can feel the moment Scott spots her in the way Scott 's whole body perks up ; * Stiles and Scott probably should have had some sort of discussion about what their plan was for leaving the party . Stiles is thinking it 's probably time to go , but he doesn 't want to just ditch Scott . He hasn 't seen him in over thirty minutes though , and Scott isn 't answering his phone . He 's checked everywhere downstairs , but then it hits him that Scott and Allison might have disappeared upstairs . If they 're upstairs , they 're probably in a bedroom somewhere , and Stiles should probably keep his nose out of it and just go home , except that it seems like it wouldn 't hurt to check . Just real quick , he can poke his head up and see if Scott 's anywhere to be seen , and if he 's not , then he 'll leave . Lydia started a mosh pit in the living room ten minutes ago , and that 's where the majority of the party has moved . Luckily , the bottom of the staircase is in the kitchen , so Stiles squeezes his way back there , shrugging off the reaching , groping hands he encounters along the way . As his hand settles on the railing , he feels someone grab his shoulder and yank him back . " Hey ! " he splutters , arms wheeling wildly , because that yank was not only rude , but it was forceful enough to knock him off balance . " Nobody 's allowed upstairs , " a gruff voice says , and Stiles turns to find himself looking at a guy in a mask , jeans , and a leather jacket . " Who are you even supposed to be ? " Stiles frowns . The guy smirks , and with a flick of his wrist , three long knives come shooting out of his hands , stopping just inches from Stiles ' face . Stiles , of course , yells and stumbles back onto the staircase , going down with a hard thump . " Holy shit ! " he exclaims , point a shaking finger at the guy - Wolverine , he guesses , although Stiles would have way more respect for him if he were wearing Wolverine 's actual uniform , as opposed to the Hugh Jackman version , which is a total cop - out . " You could 've taken my eye out . " The guy 's wearing a mask , but Stiles can just tell he 's rolling his eyes . " They 're plastic , * Stiles is panting by the time they 've both come , feeling completely and utterly wrung out . " I should go , " he mumbles , groaning when Logan rolls them over , so that Stiles is pressed on top of him . " Gotta - should find my friend , head back home . . . " " Not yet , " Logan murmurs , his fingers tracing idle circles along Stiles ' back . It feels good , the kind of comforting touch that could easily lull Stiles to sleep . " Stay . Just f ' r now . " " For a little bit , " Stiles says with a sigh , nuzzling into Logan 's neck . " Just a little . " He doesn 't remember falling asleep , but he must have , because the next thing he registers is sunlight spilling into the room , and the feeling of the body next to him shifting . The sunshine 's still weak , so it 's probably early , though it 's just strong enough that it has him squeezing his eyes shut once again . He can 't have been asleep too long , because his mouth still tastes like tequila . His head isn 't even pounding too badly , which means his hangover must be a ways off yet . " Mmmph , " he groans , letting his eyes blink open slowly , squinting into the early morning light . There 's a broad , naked back facing him , and Stiles drags in a sharp breath as he remembers how last night ended . That 's - God , that 's right , he 'd had sex with - with Wolverine , and then he 'd fallen asleep , which he is 95 % sure is not appropriate hook up behavior . In his defense though , it had been really good sex . The kind that short circuits your brain a little , and makes you do things like fall asleep with a complete and utter stranger . Stiles winces as he sits up , yawns , and runs a hand through his hair . His hair . . . shit , his mask must have come off during the night . He casts around for it a little bit wildly , because there is no way he 's walking through this house without his face covered , even if it is really early . His movement must wake the guy sleeping next to him though , because suddenly he 's rolling over onto his back , and his eyes are fluttering open , and Stiles finds himself face - to - face with Derek Hale , who has also lost his mask during the night . Stiles gives an actual yell and jerks away from him so hard he falls right out of the bed , reaching frantically for his Spider - Man costume to cover himself up . Derek 's eyes are wide , too , but that could just be the fact that he essentially woke up to a shout . " You ! " Stiles exclaims , and he 's starting to feel what he 's pretty sure is a panic attack creeping up on him . " You were Wolverine ? " " Stiles , " Derek says , shifting closer to the edge of the bed , and t * It 's noon by the time Scott bursts in , face wreathed in smiles , looking positively ecstatic . " We fell asleep on the back porch , looking at stars , " he announces . " And she let me take her to breakfast this morning . " Stiles stares back at him , mouth dropping open a little . " You - you didn 't go upstairs ? " he asks . " What ? No , " Scott says . " We spent the whole night talking . It was amazing , she 's amazing . " " Oh , " Stiles says , a little bit dully . " That 's . . . that 's great , man . That 's awesome . " " Yeah , " Scott says happily , flopping down onto his own bed . " Was your night okay ? Sorry I kind of ditched you . " " No problem , " Stiles says quickly . " My night - yeah , my night was fine , good . Nothing exciting to report . All very ordinary , boring . " His response isn 't at all up to his usual standard of lying , but Scott 's too happily oblivious to even suspect a lie . It 's for the best . Stiles won 't tell anyone , and he 's pretty sure Derek won 't tell anyone , and then they can just forget this ever happened and go back to being members of rival frats and nothing more . It 's a good plan , it 's a great plan . But as he listens to Scott going on and on about how great Allison 's hair smells , he only wishes his stomach didn 't feel quite so twisted up in knots over it . The response to this fic has been incredible and I 'm so glad people have been enjoying it ! I 've had a TON of fun writing it , and I hope this final chapter doesn 't disappoint ! Disclaimer : I have never taken an economics class in my life , so the passage Stiles is reading is heavily paraphrased from the Wikipedia article on the Coase theorem . Hopefully it still makes sense / is true ! " Stiles ! " Scott says , for the sixth time in less than a minute , and that is it , Stiles is at a breaking point , because it would appear that Scott actively wants him to fail Economics . " What ? " he snaps , glaring at Scott from over the top of his brick of a textbook . " You weren 't answering me ! " Scott says . He 's wearing his bewildered puppy dog face , which isn 't even playing fair . " I said your name like five times ! " " Six , " Stiles corrects . " And did it not occur to you that maybe I was ignoring you on purpose ? " Scott 's expression collapses even further . " Why ? " he asks , voice plaintive . " Are you mad at me ? " " No , " Stiles says , scrubbing a hand through his hair , pushing it away from his face . He huffs a sigh , then slams his book shut and flops back onto his bed . " No , of course I 'm not mad at you . I 'm not ignoring you specifically . I am just . . . shutting out the world for today , okay ? " He doesn 't have to be looking at Scott to know exactly what his best friend looks like right now ; still bewildered , but that expression will be layered with genuine concern . " Okay , seriously , man , what 's going on ? You 've been weird lately . " " Nothing 's going on , I 'm fine , " Stiles says automatically , closing his eyes and inhaling deeply . Maybe he should try a nap . A nap might help him focus . Scott makes a disdainful noise - which , rude - then says , " You 've been acting funny since the day after that Halloween party . Did something happen ? " Stiles can 't help the way he goes tense . It 's not that he 's upset or regretful or anything like that . He doesn 't , precisely , feel shitty . He just . . . Okay , no , he feels kind of shitty . And weird . The whole situation is both shitty and weird , and Stiles doesn 't know how to make himself feel better about any of it . He hasn 't seen Derek since that morning , although he 's mostly grateful for that , because he 's pretty sure seeing Derek would just make everything ten times more awkward . He 's been failing both at planning pranks and gett * Stiles never thought he would be grateful for someone taking up every minute of Scott 's time , but at this particular moment , he is totally cool with it . It 's been a full five days since the Halloween party , and through a combination of dates with Allison and Stiles ' own ( excellent ) decision to camp out in various campus coffee shops , Scott has yet to instigate that conversation he 's been threatening Stiles with . There 's been an added bonus to Stiles ' avoidance tactics , even ; he 's actually starting to make a dent in his coursework . He 's plowed through the novel his English professor assigned , outlined his history paper , and he 's currently making some flashcards for his upcoming Econ test . He 's halfway through writing out the definition of the Gini coeefficient when someone sets down a mug of coffee and a steaming scone in front of him . " Oh , I didn 't order that , " Stiles starts to say , except when he looks up , there 's Derek Hale , standing right in front of him . " Uh , " he adds blankly , his brain stalling as he takes in Derek 's . . . everything . The broad shoulders and the perfect stubble and the way his gaze is fixed directly on Stiles . " Obviously , " Derek says , sounding just as impressed as he ever does , which is to say , not at all . " I ordered it . For you . " " Okay , " Stiles says slowly . His heart 's pounding in his own ears , loud enough that it feels like Derek should be able to hear it . " Can I ask why ? " Derek , of course , simply ignores him and drops into the armchair beside him , propping his feet up on the coffee table where Stiles has his many textbooks spread out , dropping a beat - up messenger bag to the floor . " There haven 't been any pranks for awhile , " Derek says lightly . " Uh , yeah , I guess not , " Stiles says . He 's not sure what 's happening here . Why Derek 's bringing up pranks , when the last time Stiles saw him , they were having sex . " I 've been - we 've been - busy . I guess . " Derek smiles at that response , and while Stiles is pretty sure it 's supposed to * The Econ Test of Doom , as Stiles has taken to calling it in his head , is two days after his awkward , but wonderfully - coffee - filled afternoon with Derek . He wakes up in plenty of time ( since Econ isn 't until ten thirty , as opposed to the horror that is Scott 's 8am biology lab ) , but he 's too jittery to eat , so instead of stopping by the cafeteria he just heads straight to the Econ building to get in some last - minute cramming . It 's a little after nine , so the quad is still fairly empty - devoid of students , but full of heavy , cool air , the kind that holds the promise of a truly miserable rainstorm later . Autumn rainstorms are the worst , Stiles thinks . Rain shouldn 't even be allowed after September . October should be sunny and clear , and from November on , it needs to be snow or nothing . Still , it isn 't raining yet , and it should hold off long enough for Stiles to finish his exam and hightail it back to his dorm room , where he might even opt for a nap to make up for all of the sleep he hasn 't been getting this week . There 's a coffee stand in the lobby of the Econ building , and Stiles decides to treat himself . It 's early , he 's been a model student these past few days , and as far as he 's concerned , he deserves a nice , steaming latte . Also , he might even require it , so as to avoid falling asleep mid - exam . As he approaches the stand , he spots a familiar figure in line , and his steps begin to slow . Leather jacket , artfully mussed hair , and - yes , a flash of stubble when he turns his head . . . " Derek ? " Stiles hears himself ask , the name falling out of his mouth without his permission . Derek turns , and when he sees Stiles , he actually cracks a smile . Stiles ' feet carry him closer , also without permission , finally coming to a stop right in front of him . " Morning , " Derek says calmly , even though Stiles , personally , feels like his own eyes might be close to bugging out of his head . " Are you following me ? " he demands . " Well , seeing as I was here first , no , " Derek says , raising a dark , imperious eyeb * Stiles is pretty sure he aces his exam , even though he spends most of the period pointedly not sneaking looks at the kid sitting behind him - the one who must be Greenberg . Now that he 's gotten a look at him , he recognizes him as the guy Professor Finstock is always harping at . Still , he has no idea why Derek , of all people , knows that they share a class . He can 't help but wonder if the guy 's actually some sort of spy for Derek , keeping an eye out for any possibility of a new prank from Stiles . Except his epic prank war has sort of fallen by the wayside . Which . . . could have been Derek 's purpose in sleeping with him , Stiles supposes . He 'd definitely seemed pleased when he mentioned the lack of recent pranks . But that would have taken planning , and he doesn 't think the sex was premeditated ; Derek had been just as shocked to find out he 'd been fucking Stiles as Stiles had been upon seeing who was behind that Wolverine mask . If he could just figure out what the hell Derek 's angle is , he would feel so much better about how nice he 's being . Up until now , Stiles has been pretty confident in his knowledge that Derek is a Dick . The way Derek 's behaving now is seriously throwing that into question , not to mention making everything weird . Not that the weirdness is keeping him from drinking the pumpkin lattes Derek keeps giving to him . Those are too freaking delicious to even think about letting go to waste . Stiles hands his exam in just after Greenberg , and after about thirty seconds of deliberation , he jogs forward a few steps to catch up with the guy . " Hey , " Stiles says , coming to a stop directly beside him . Greenberg visibly startles . He 's not a bad - looking kid , with sandy blonde hair and brown eyes . He 's average height and an average weight , nothing really striking about him : nondescript might actually be the best word . " Uh , hi , " Greenberg says warily . His voice is deeper than Stiles would have expected . " Greenberg , right ? " Stiles asks , just to make sure . The guy nods , and Stiles clears his * His room is dark when a loud slam jolts him out of sleep some indeterminate amount of time later . It 's not nighttime dark - he hasn 't slept that long - but middle - of - the - afternoon - storm dark , where everything in the room ends up taking on a shadowy appearance . Now that he 's ( mostly ) awake , he can hear the steady drumming of rain against his window . " Whassat ? " Stiles croaks , and he presses up onto his elbows , blinking blearily into the dim light . It takes him a good five seconds to zero in on the cause of the slam . Standing just inside his room , arms crossed in front of his chest and leaning up against his closed door , is Derek . " Th ' hell ? " Stiles manages , rubbing firmly at his eyes , because there is every possibility that he 's hallucinating right now . There 's really no other explanation for why Derek seems to be in his actual room , glowering at him . " I thought we were done with the pranks , " Derek says , and his voice is doing that growly thing again , where he sounds inordinately pissed off - at Stiles , specifically . " Pranks ? " Stiles echoes , forcing himself to sit up . After a moment , he thinks better of it and stands , because lounging in bed seems like a stupid idea in the face of an angry intruder . " What are you even talking about ? I haven 't done anything in over a week . " " Then why don 't you explain to me , " Derek says , and his voice is still dangerous , " why the Alpha house is currently covered in soggy , mostly disintegrated toilet paper . " Stiles blinks at him , and then out of the corner of his eye , he notices his phone blinking . He grabs for it , and there 's a notification - a new picture from Scott . He opens it to find a snapshot of the Alpha house , absolutely covered in toilet paper . " Oh , you 've gotta be kidding me , " he groans , realization hitting him all at once . This , undoubtedly , is what Scott had wanted to discuss on the staircase . " They went with the TPing ? Really ? Really ? " " What do you mean , ' they ' ? " Derek demands . " You think I had anything to do with t * " Hey , " Stiles says , after , from where he 's sprawled on top of Derek ; it 's better this way , far less smushing involved . " Mmm ? " Derek hums , more of a sigh , really . His eyes are closed , and Stiles thinks it might be the most relaxed he 's ever seen him . " Is this going to be a thing we tell people about ? " Stiles asks quietly . Derek makes another sleepy noise and skates his hand up Stiles ' back . " I mean , it 's not like this is serious yet , we could go on that date and it might be awful , and , okay , I am not at all trying to have the labels conversation yet , because it is way too soon for that - " " Are the Omegas going to kick you out if they find out we 're dating ? " Derek murmurs . " Uh , no , I don 't think so , " Stiles says after a moment . " I mean , I 'm not officially in yet , but that 'd be a pretty dick move on their part , right ? And they 're not dicks . The Alphas , on the other hand - " Derek cuts him off with a sharp smack to his ass , all noise and no hurt , though Stiles lets out a muffled yelp anyway . " You should tell anyone you want , " Derek says . " Everyone , I don 't care . I 'm not planning on keeping you a secret . " He says it so easily , like it never even occurred to him to tuck Stiles away in the shadows somewhere , and Stiles pretty much has to kiss him then , sweet and slow . " M ' texting Scott , " he says , as he pulls away . " Right now . " Derek doesn 't protest , just winds his arms securely around his waist as Stiles reaches for his phone . dont come back to the room for at least 2 hrs he writes . ive got a gentleman callerHe presses send , but immediately fires off a second text . " There , done , " Stiles says smugly , turning his phone off because if he doesn 't , it will no doubt be blowing up with a constant stream of increasingly hysterical texts from Scott , and Stiles is not in the mood . He settles more comfortably against Derek , liking the way their bodies fit so well together . He sneaks a peek at Derek , noting the way his face is still so open and relaxed , how his eyes have stayed shut this entire time . " Sleep ? " Stiles asks , and Derek hums . " Sleep , " he agrees . Scott , predictably , bursts into their room just as Stiles and Derek have woken up from their doze and are getting started on round three . He makes a terribly undignified noise , then immediately shuts his eyes and proceeds to trip all over himself on his way back out . " I warned you ! " Stiles shouts after him . " I hate you ! " Scott calls back , the instant before he slams the door . " He loves me , " Stiles tells Derek , grinning widely . " I keep his life exciting . " Derek rolls his eyes , but his smile is fond , and he immediately sets to work on kissing Stiles until he 's nothing more than a puddle on top of him . " Let 's not go out , " Stiles murmurs . " Let 's stay in , order something instead . Chinese . " " ' Kay , " Derek agrees easily , then sets about kissing his way down Stiles ' neck . Stiles smiles , containing as best he can the way it wants to sunburst out of him . " Great , because I know some really excellent delivery places - " That 's as far as he gets before Derek lets out a growl and flips him , pinning him to the mattress . Stiles just throws his head back and laughs , happy and free .

Me and my Skelly Friend . He 's got a new head for the holidays but they didn 't carve it this time . My neighbor always has a Skelly display in his cool old vintage Ford truck starting at Halloween and going on through to Mardi Gras ( or maybe even St . Patrick 's Day ? ) , a different tableau for each holiday . I 'll try to get photos for each holiday this year . One year we had 4 ' of snow on the ground all winter and the snow had drifted almost as high as the window of the truck . The Christmas display had Skelly in a Santa suit driving the truck and it looked for all the world like Santa had gotten stuck in the snow and frozen to death and withered away to bones . It made me laugh all winter long . She tore her ACL for keeps last spring and after much agonizing and debating we decided to treat her conservatively rather than go through surgery . She 'll be 13 in December and doesn 't tolerate anesthesia and pain killers very well . She had a cortisone injection into her shoulder for bicep tendonitis many years ago and I swore I 'd never do that to her again . Until I did . She was doing really well up until the flood . Scar tissue had formed and the joint was stabilizing . She was at a point that she 'd be at roughly 3 months after surgery if she had had it . Then something happened and I 'm not sure what . The first night we spent with friends when we evacuated from the flood she was struggling to walk . I put it down to their hardwood floors which she 's not used to . I 'm not sure if she re - injured the knee trying to walk on the floors or if it was all the extra walking she had to do since we had to walk her every time she went out rather than just send her to the yard or whether she 'd done something earlier and all of that exacerbated it or what . In any case , after the dust cleared from the flood I noticed she wasn 't tolerating walking nearly as well as she had been . Got tired quicker , started walking funny sooner . When I finally had the vet come last week to give her a laser treatment she told me the knee was back to square one , scar tissue was gone , joint was unstable again . Big Le Sigh . So I finally agreed to some experimental injections that my vet friend recommended . This involved a much dreaded drive up to Wellington which I always think of as being near enough the Wyoming border but it 's not quite and only took me about an hour 5 minutes rather than the anticipated 1 hour 20 minutes . Anyway , I spent the morning doing breakfast and coffee and shopping in Fort Collins while poor Miss Lola endured anesthesia , pain killers and 2 injections into her knee . I felt like a traitor when I left her but I so don 't want to put her through surgery and I can 't stand to let her linger as she is . She 's depressed not being able to run and only getting leash walks . One injection was a steriod , the other some kind of joint lubricant . If she 's not better in 6 months we can try some kind of platelet injection . Hopefully it won 't come to that . In other news I finally went out to the practice field to get Strummer on some contact equipment . Our last trial was a dogwalk and weavepole disaster and this has become too much of a theme . There was a naughty teeter or two as well and he even missed some A - frames . You know you need to something when the judge stops judging your Standard run early on because it 's already headed so far south and then asks you , during your run , how old your youngster is and you have to reply , ' 8 1 / 2 years old ' . I had to laugh because what else can you do at that point ? He was pretty good at practice today though , worked on weave poles , teeter , a short jump exercise and of course the dogwalk . That was a bit more iffy even with the stride regulator . I ponied up the money for a running contact DVD from Silvia Trkman and in just the first 1 / 2 hour there was a lot of good stuff to think about . There was nothing like this when I started my training so there 's quite a bit I had never considered . Only trouble is she uses a thrown toy as part of the training and I hate throwing toys for the dogs to chase . See above as to why . It 's a great way to get an ACL tear either from chronic overuse or an acute injury . Either way I 'm not sure there 's a way to modify her training to avoid this . I had used either a remote treat dispensing gizmo or a stationary toy on the ground . I did a little bit of experimenting with throwing years later but not much , again because I think it 's risky for them physically especially if you have a dog that slams on the brakes to get the toy . Ugh , makes me cringe just thinking about it . I shot some footage today of him just running chasing a moving toy and after 4 reps I had to stop and I was making a terrible face as I returned to the video camera to turn it off , grimacing and muttering bad words to myself . I may do a separate post once I process the video and think about it terms of what I now know or maybe I 'll spare you all . For the first time since I was like 4 years old I have my very own pair of rubber rain boots . Dig the groovy color and pattern and paw prints . Rain boots have come a long way since I was 4 years old . Of course these came just in time for me to be nearly done with the mud mucking around my house . There 's still some cleaning to be done but I sure could have used these last week . And the couple few weeks before . But oh well , I have them now . Not that I 'll be heart broken if I don 't get any use out of them . Look how green my grass is . In the middle of October ! ! ! Yeah , it 's gonna be a long time until I find the sound of rain to be soothing again . Well , I made it to Nationals this year . Just . Between losing my grandmother and Cody and dealing with the flood all in the space of a month or so I was wondering if I should go at all . I got my car Thursday afternoon before the race and that in itself was an adventure , trying to navigate the Boulder Creek path on my bike to get to the car dealership . There was much hike - a - biking through big piles of mud and flood waters and eventually I had to leave the path and cut through a condo parking lot because I turned a corner and was faced with a raging river covering the creek path . Anyway . We drove up Friday for and the race was Saturday . The 7 1 / 2 hour drive took around 9 1 / 2 hours with all the stops for dogs and caffeine deprived husbands . And I may have expressed a desire for lunch at some point . Actually the dogs were easy , the humans were the ones who couldn 't seem to sit still for longer than 2 hours at a stretch . Highway driving makes me dizzy and sometimes queasy and I like to have a day or two to decompress before a race never mind pre - ride the course but oh well , at least I got to go . Because of the flood I 'd been unable to do much training in the 2 weeks before the race . A couple of short easy runs here , an easy swim or two there , no biking at all . Extreme Tapering . And mentally the last thing on my mind until Tuesday or Wednesday or so was the race . I 'd adjusted my goals to simply finishing and enjoying the trails as best I could . Having Jonny there this year was a huge help . We got to T1 plenty early , I got a great spot for my bike then he drove me up to Snowbasin to set up T2 then drove me back down to T1 . Didn 't have to worry about catching a shuttle or worrying about taking enough warm clothes back to T1 to wear while waiting for the start . It was chilly before the start , I was happy to be able to wait in the car . But the sun finally started letting loose some warmth and the swim start was glorious . At the pre - race talk the night before the race director said the water was 61 degrees which is super cold and uncharacteristic . Usually water temps for this race are around 65 - 67 degrees and last year was probably around 64 - 65 . I was not thrilled with this news but I had neoprene socks and skull cap with me so I bundled up and hoped for the best . Turned out the water was warmer than last year , probably around 67 degrees . I was a bit overdressed but it was o . k . Go ! Last year I positioned myself far to the right of the field , in line with that first yellow buoy . I was mostly fine for the first leg of the swim then got caught in the crush of a traffic jam at the first turn buoy . So this year I tried a different strategy and started far to the left , probably out of view of this picture . It meant swimming farther but I figured it would be worth it if I had a clear path . I did not have a clear path . It was a lot of chaos as we bunched together heading for the buoy . And as you can see there was so much glare and the first buoy was so far out you could barely even see it from shore . I can 't even see it in this photo . I started to feel a surge of panic as I got caught up in the flailing crowd but I quickly turned that around and was fine mentally for the whole swim . I got slapped a few times and had some people swimming into me but nothing major . I drafted as best I could , followed the crowd as best I could in the glare and eventually after what seemed like forever I caught sight of the first buoy . The second buoy came more quickly and after that turn the crowd was reasonable and I found some feet to draft off of . The second lap was uneventful , had the same problem of glare but jumped from feet to feet so I had some draft but ended up on my own for the last stretch of the swim . The water was a bit choppy and wavy but still I thought I was having a fairly strong swim so I was surprised and a bit disappointed to see 47 : 23 on my watch as I exited the water . My time last year was 39 : 10 and the swim was long ! But I had to leave the disappointment behind , I still had a huge day ahead of me . What I didn 't know was that the swim was even longer than last year , around 2100 meters / 2297 yards by one pro 's estimation , which put my pace at 2 : 04 mins / 100 yards . Not great but not horrible considering the choppy water and the extra yardage I swam being so far to the left at the start . And that yardage is an estimation , the course could have been even longer . The run to T1 felt faster and easier this year . I put some flip flops off to the side but the crowd was so thick I had a hard time finding them at first . Next year I 'll leave them in a more obvious place rather than some random location . Ummmm , did I just say , ' next year ' ? ? ! ! The Bike . Ah , The Bike . What can I say about The Bike ? It started out o . k . , I was a bit queasy from the choppy , chaotic swim and I 'd probably put more effort into the swim than I 'd realized . The long drive the day before didn 't help either . But after Buffalo Creek a few weeks ago I remembered not to take any gel until my stomach had settle despite the mile or so flat - ish stretch before the climb up Wheeler Canyon . Trouble is my stomach never settled all that much . I felt o . k . , good even , better than last year going up Wheeler Canyon and once I got out I think is when I had some gel . But somehow I didn 't remember a relentless climb after that . But there it was . A steepish , long climb that went on and on and ON . I knew it reached a downhill eventually so there was a bit of recovery before the next long climb up Sardine Peak but it took much longer than I was expecting and at some point I started wondering if I 'd be able to finish . If I 'd even make it through the bike . I felt weak and dizzy and queasy . No way I could eat any more , I knew that would be a huge mistake . But I slogged on and eventually reached the downhill . Which was the most horrible part of the race because this is where the fast folks from the sprint race caught up to us slower folk doing twice the distance . And these guys / women were awful about passing . The race director warned them to be nice in the pre - race talk but these folks either weren 't there and / or didn 't care . These are locals who came out for a short sprint race and they were interfering with those of us who had trained and raced all year to qualify and traveled a long distance to be there . They were even more rude than last year and one guy even crashed into me trying to pass me on a narrow stretch of downhill single track . I managed to stop and catch myself without falling but he went over the handlebars , got up and kept going without so much as an apology never mind making sure I was o . k . I had people yelling nasty things at me . So obnoxious . If I don 't go back next year this will be wAnyway , in retrospect I could have bailed before Sardine Peak and ended my day with the Sprint Racers but I was so happy to be rid of them when the turn - off came that it didn 't even occur to me . There was a guy from the 50 or 55 age group behind me who was equally as rattled and we both heaved a sigh of relief at the turn - off . I paced him for a while then he passed me as I started to fade even more on the climb up Sardine Peak . I tried to get some food down at the bottom of the climb but there was no way . All I had for the whole nearly 5 1 / 2 hour race was 1 1 / 2 gels , about 150 calories . Not sure how I did it . But I did . And I even passed someone from my age group near the top of Sardine Peak . I couldn 't believe it but there was someone in my age group struggling as much as me . This was not a huge incentive , I had no goals regarding placements , I was going to be thrilled to have enough in me to finish but still I 'd be lying if I didn 't admit to feeling good to think I might not place dead last in my age group . She passed me on the downhill but there wasn 't downhill and still a bit of climbing before the bike ended and I wondered if I might pass her back on the last few climbs . Final descent into Snow Basin . As bad as I felt my bike was still 10 seconds faster than last year . Not the 10 - 20 minutes improvement I was hoping for but at least I wasn 't longer . And I did it despite feeling not so great . Time was 2 : 59 : 20 . Despite feeling bad on the bike and not being able to take in any food and temps . being hotter than last year I felt much better on the run . Perhaps it was simply a matter of knowing the course a little better but I swear the hills didn 't feel as steep or as long . Somehow I managed to enjoy the run this year . I never heard the woman from my age group coming up behind me but I 'll admit the thought of her behind me was a bit of incentive to keep up a good pace . For the second race in a row I was able to hold off someone in the run . I was only 31 seconds faster than last year though , finishing in 1 : 31 : 08 . Finally the finish line . Such a sweet sight . Though there was one cruel steep horrible hill before you get there . Someone 's idea of a sick joke maybe . SO happy to be done . No finisher 's medals this year which was kind of a disappointment . Funny , last year I was expecting one and it was a pleasant surprise . This year I was expecting one and not getting it was a disappointment . It 's all about the expectations . I finished in 5 : 24 : 40 which is a whopping 5 : 57 mins . slower than last year but given the longer swim I think this represents a faster time . In any case I was simply happy to be able to race and finish . Strummer and Jonny were at the finish to greet me . I was so grateful to have him cheering me along at various places in the course . And it 's always great to have pictures . We had lunch at Snow Basin during the awards ceremony and he helped me carry all my crap back to the car which I remember was a big challenge and hassle last year . He even went out that night and braved the big noisy , crowded Harvest Festival going on downtown a block away to get us some food for dinner . What a luxury not having to go out in that . The fall colors weren 't anything near as beautiful as last year . It looked like they 'd gone straight to brown somehow . Still the trails are beautiful and despite the warmer temps . ( maybe high 70 's ? ) there was a stiff breeze going and I never felt too overly hot during the run , felt fine during the bike . A beautiful day on some beautiful trails , I felt very fortunate to be able to enjoy them and put aside all the chaos of the last few weeks .

Tonight before Ethan 's bedtime , I introduced to him a SNS tube . It 's a feeder tube that I insert one end into a bottle and then the other end into his mouth while he is nursing . This promotes an immediate flow of milk so he doesn 't get discouraged or impatient about ' working ' for his milk . Why did I do this ? Because Ethan won 't breastfeed before bed ( he always gets a bottle and I want to get rid of bottles period if we don 't need them ! ) . So , to my amazement , it worked and he nursed . . . for 2 minutes . Let 's backtrack a bit . . . he went down for a nap at 6pm and woke at 7pm . He nursed then . So fast forward , he wasn 't hungry at 8 : 15pm . But he did it and I 'm happy about him doing it ! Small success in my opinion ! I made an awesome ( vegan ) Mushroom Risotto today . Due to my dairy allergies and Ethan 's possible allergy , I have to keep myself interested in making non - dairy foods - foods that I enjoy . It was fantastic . It 's from the Candle Cafe Cookbook and you would never know there was no dairy in it . I took a photo . Not the greatest , but it still looks good in my opinion ! I then proceeded to bake . . . I made a Vegan Snickerdoodle Blondie ! Can I just say OMG Yum ! It took a total of 7 minutes to combine the ingredients and another 20 to bake . It was from Sweet Tater 's blog . You can find the recipe here . Technically the way I made them was not vegan because I used an egg . ( Since I 'm not vegan , I figured it was ok - plus I didn 't have flax seeds ) . It was light and fluffy and not too sweet surprisingly . It was just fantastic ! I highly suggest these . I think I 'll be making this for Easter . What else did we do today ? Well between the major thunderstorms , we took Ethan to the hospital to visit my work friends . I can 't believe it 's already been 6 months since I have worked . . . . . I have 8 to go ( possibly 9 if I go back in the new year ) . ( Six months because I was off for 2 months on sick leave due to the gestational diabetes and preterm labour threats ) . I have to say I do miss working . I would not however , sacrifice any time I could spend with Ethan in this year to go back early though . I don 't think that is worth it whatsoever . I already lend him out on Monday 's to my mom - I don 't think I could handle any more long spans like that ! Ethan is loving his playtime lately - alone . I mean , he doesn 't mind if I stick my head in his way when he is playing of course , but he does well on his own . . . . he does about 15 minutes on his playmat batting at the toys and when we do the jolly jumper , I 'm sitting with him , but he does a good 10 minutes . In his pack n play he would probably hang out for an hour ! We limit that time to 20 minutes ( usually I stick him in there if I 'm pumping in the morning and park him right next to me ) . We are really learning his cries now - he cries when he needs something which is nice . It 's rare that he cries randomly . . . but when he does , and we can 't figure it out it breaks my heart . I 'm chalking it up to teething because I can 't figure what else it may be . Usually the crying involves him sticking his finger in his mouth and pulling on his gums . . . . . poor baby ! All in all , he is doing so well , reaching all his milestones and is such a HAPPY BABY . . . . always smiling , laughing a lot now - we got a couple belly laughs today ! He melts me ! I just love that little boy to pieces ! Posted by Tonight , I attended my second LLL meeting . For those of you who don 't know about La Leche , they are a group of women , all mothers who breastfeed , have breastfed or tried to breastfeed , and they are all there for support . It 's wonderful to hear everybody 's story , triumphs , hurdles , etc . I am so happy I found this group and I really wished that I joined with them before having Ethan because if I did , I could have avoided many " booby traps " that I fell into and we probably would not have so many problems with breastfeeding as we currently do ( although it gets better by the week ! ) They meet every last Wednesday of the month . Tonights topic was Challenges and Obstacles of Breastfeeding - perfect ! And I met a mother who is having the exact same problems as I was having / still having . It 's so nice to know I 'm not alone and that I 'm not the only one who is experiencing what I am experiencing . Nursing is so important to me , more so than people realize I think . The fact that I can nurse Ethan as much as I am doing is so rewarding to me because I know the efforts that I put into it were long and hard , but in the end we figured it out . Anyway , its great to have this sort of support group and to meet other moms and to just have a night out ! I would normally bring Ethan , but it 's from 7 : 15 - 9 : 15 and he is in bed by 7 : 30 , so he gets a bit cranky . Maybe when he is a bit older I 'll bring him again so he can play with the other kids . For now , I 'll just treat it as a mommy night out ! As a side note , look who I found in Ethan 's Pack ' n ' Play yesterday . Bugger ! It took every ounce for me not to laugh , but as I turned the corner into the kitchen I couldn 't help myself ! He was stuck in there and scared that he got caught ! I physically had to remove him lol . Why is he my Coconut ? Because he smells like one ! ! He has these dry patches on his legs and arms . They don 't seem to be eczema , just dry patches . I have read that coconut oil is great for dry skin and as a bonus it smells great too ! There are many health benefits of coconut oil for babies . You can read about them HERE . So forget about baby oil and dig into the coconut oil . Make sure it 's raw ( virgin , cold pressed ) and organic . It will cost you 3x the amount baby oil costs , but it 's 100 times better and super healthy compared to baby oil . Ethan was super fussy today . We haven 't had a day like this for awhile . He was chomping on his fingers all day today too so I 'm thinking it 's his teeth . Naturally , I misplaced his teething necklace and can 't seem to find it , so I 'll have to look better tomorrow - hopefully he lets me put him down for a bit so I can do that . He has been waking up more often during the night , so I have decided to give him an extra 3 ounce bottle of pumped breastmilk during the evening . I 'm hoping this helps spread his waking a bit more evenly . Last night he woke at 11pm , 3 : 30am and 6am , then 7 : 30am . For the last week , he was waking at 11pm , 2am , 4am , 6am and 8am so it seemed to cut one feeding out . He doesn 't seem to want to eat much during the day and likes to stock up during the night and early morning : s . It 's fine , because it 's literally 6 - 10 minutes of feeding and back to bed for both of us . It 's still tiring though . As long as I can get a good solid 4 hour block of sleep , I 'm good to go ! I wanted to take some pictures today , but cranky pants would only be crying in all of his photos , so clearly that wasn 't going to happen . I did manage to take this picture of his stinky feet though - I thought it was pretty cute ! ( They aren 't stinky , I just like saying that ! ) . Let 's hope for a better day tomorrow ! ! If I were to base the way we ' parent ' , I would say we let our baby choose his desires . Some may call this " attachment parenting " , others may call it " spoiling our baby " , but I consider us letting Ethan guide his own life and making his own choices . But wait , he 's only 16 weeks old ! It is amazing how much a baby can tell you if you just pay attention . . . . for instance : Sleeping : Even though we followed a routine , I always put Ethan down when he wanted to go down . I watched for signs . If it got to the point of him screaming , then I knew we weren 't ' listening ' to him . Now , I watch for the signs . When he is rubbing his eyes , yawning , whining a little , nuzzling into my neck ( greatest feeling ever ! ) , I know he needs a nap . In the early weeks , we couldn 't understand why he cried so much . . . well I believe all along he just wanted to sleep . Babies really do sleep a ton ! I try not to look at the clock , even though he is pretty much up for one hour between naps , but lately it 's gradually getting longer . Now , we don 't have to rock him to sleep ( although sometimes I 'd like to I know he doesn 't want this . . . . it 's forcing him to fall asleep ) . Now I lay him down in his crib or playpen , or simply lay him in my arms if I want to hold him , and he falls asleep on his own . In the morning , because mom wants a bit extra sleep , and Ethan isn 't really ready to start the day , I bring him into bed with us ( around 7 or 8am ) and he sleeps with us , and nurses at his own free will on a constant basis . . . . I listen to his signs , and whatever he needs , I can provide it for him , either comfort or milk . Feeding : We had a rough start with breastfeeding , and I never really " gave up " , but sometimes I would just take a break and start again . It took a solid 12 weeks to get him to nurse exclusively . Because of this , he follows a routine more than " on demand " during the day . . . . but in the same sense , I am nursing him after his naps , which is when he wants to eat . Ethan is a very " routine oriented " baby and this is how he wants his day to go . I will always offer a feed when he seems hungry - sometimes he takes it sometimes he doesn 't - it 's HIS choice . Throughout the night , he does feed more often now - anywhere from one to three feedings . I don 't try to offer just a pacifier or ignore his cries . . . . I offer a breast . He may only take for a couple minutes , or simply fall asleep on my lap and that 's ok . I will never put cereal in his bottle to " fill him up " or give him formula before bed to " keep him full " . ( However , I do not judge people that would do this , because maybe this does work for them , and that is fine with me ! Happy babies = happy parents ! ) In the morning , as I mentioned above , he comes into our bed where we snuggle and nurse as often as he likes . It 's a special time for us and it 's not going to last for very long so I want as much of it as possible . When he is 6 months ( or older - when he is ready ) , we are going to take the " Baby - Led Weaning " approach . This means no spoon feeding , no cereals , no specific order of foods to give baby . He eats what we eat , when we eat . There are some guidelines , but not too many , and a very good book I am reading is " Baby Led Weaning : The Essential Guide " which is posted a few posts below with a link to Amazon . Essentially , baby will eat what he wants and isn 't being forced fed purees . I won 't get into detail because I 'm not advocating this , it 's just something we want to do . Thankfully I got the Baby Brezza at our shower , and it will be great for steaming different vegetables so he can " gum " them up in his mouth . When we get closer to when he is ready for solids , I will post more on it aSo here is a bit of a glimps of what we do and how we do it . We have a very happy baby and I only think it will get better . There is ONE thing Ethan has no choice over . . . . and that is his photography sessions : ) As a photographer I just can 't help myself and one day his wife will greatly appreciate it . Here is a look at what was done a few days ago with a fellow photographer . She did a great job posing him and getting him to smile while I took a million shots ! If you know me , then you know I LOVE to cook . Tonight we made Black Bean & Corn Burgers . They were delish ! I hope you enjoy ! Grill on the barbeque on high for 10 minutes , flip and grill another 10 minutes . Top with aioli , avocado slices and spinach . Throw in a side salad and you are ready to rock ! Enjoy ! We didn 't do much today . Ethan slept for most of the day ( not really but it just seems like it ! ) We did another trip to the grocery store and he did great ! He had two 2 hour naps and two cat naps - same as always just at different times . He has this new thing where he blows drool and milk bubbles lol . He does it when he is happy , mad , or just chillin ' . He has also started to ( almost ) roll from back to belly . If I touch his knee and bring it over he will roll . I give it 3 days max . Ethan has a fever . : ( It 's low grade ( 37 . 7 ) but it 's on the cusp that it needs to be taken care of . We stripped him , gave him some baby Advil and he had two cool baths . We got it down to 36 . 8 but it went back up to 37 . 3 . He went down at 8pm so I haven 't checked yet ( it 's 11 : 15pm ) . He feels warm but not burning hot . We think it may be from teething , although there are mixed reviews on the internet whether or not teething causes fevers . He is acting normal for the most part ( just a bit quiet ) , looked slightly pale , but eating , sleeping , peeing and pooping just fine - nothing really out of the ordinary there ( except maybe eating really well with NO PUKE ! Just a bit of spit - up ) ! ! So that 's why I think it 's from teething . I also read that when they are going through this , their immune system is lowered a bit , so they are more susceptible to illness , so maybe he is fighting something off . I 'll take his temperature when he wakes up for his mid - night feeding ( and of course check him before I go to sleep ) . Otherwise , he is doing great . We went for a visit to a friends house ( before we discovered the fever ) , and he was so great there . He was a perfect , happy little baby . Considering the ride out there was about 35 minutes , he did great in the car too . I had to ride with him in the back seat on the way home , but hey , I really don 't mind entertaining a cute little baby boy ! ! I 'll update tomorrow on how he is doing . Poor bum : s Posted by I finally got Ethan 's Amber Teething Necklace in the mail . I put it on him today so we will see how it works over the next few days . I also bought some Hylands Teething Tablets . I used them when he had his finger in his mouth and chomping on it and he hasn 't done so since 1 : 30pm ( it 's now 5 : 30pm ) . Oh wait , why are we using teething tablets do you ask ? Because our little overachiever is about to cut a tooth - that 's right . . . . not even 3 . 5 months old and he is getting teeth . I 'm hoping it 's just a tooth bud and doesn 't fully emerge - it 's too early for teeth ! Also , I have started to research Baby Led Weaning . I 'm not positive that this is the way we are going to go , but I 'm almost positive . Maybe a little bit of this and pureed foods , not sure . He isn 't getting solids until 6 months , but I have to research the crap out of stuff before I actually do it . I 'm going to order the book Baby Led Weaning : The Essential Guide and see what it has to say . I only hear positive feedback from this , and we are trying to go all " natural mama & baby " so hey , why not ! Again , research is key ! I 'll give an update in a month or so once we decide what we are going to do . We have been having this beautiful 70 + weather , Ethan has definitely been getting his fair share of fresh air . I have to look into some sunscreen for this little dude . I recently purchased THIS sunscreen from Saje , and not sure if I can use it on babies . If not , I 'll have to find another natural product for him . There is no way we can keep him covered up . We visited some friends today and when I took him out of the car seat he was sweating and his back was wet : ( Needless to say we stripped him but had to stay inside ( with the door open ) . When we went home he was naked ( all but a diaper ) , and when he went to Nona 's he wore a onesie . Ryan and I are off for our date night . Heading to Erie St . for some yumtastic Italian food ! ! CIAO ! ! So like I 've posted before , breastfeeding is going well . He gets one bottle a night - just before bed . WELL . . . between 9am and 5pm , whenever he nurses , he vomits most of what he eats ( or so it seams ) at least twice . . . I have an oversupply and I 'm thinking an overactive letdown , so that would make sense . I have tried expressing beforehand , pumping before , shortening his feeds a bit ( down to 8 minutes now ) and still nothing is working . I am going to give it another few days , but if it continues , I don 't know if I can deal with this every day . It 's not fair to Ethan or myself ( or my washing machine ! ) . The thing is , it doesn 't affect him in any way . He doesn 't cry , look startled , annoyed , nothing . He just continues on with what he was doing - laughing , playing , resting , whatever . We have no issues throughout the night and first feeding in the morning , so I 'm not really sure what 's going on . He has many heavy , wet diapers and at least two soiled diapers daily , so he is obviously eating enough , it 's the vomiting that concerns me . . . . . unless he is just a puker . It just doesn 't seem as bad with bottles , which , in reality , just doesn 't make sense ! I have really put my photography on the backburner since Ethan has been born . We do baby photoshoots , and I take pictures of him almost every day , but not in a professional way . Today I took some photographs for my mother in law of her seashells . Here are my favorite shots : So I think we are either getting back on track or on a new routine ! NOW Ethan seems to be on an eating strike . . . . meaning he can take it or leave it . If you read about growth spurts , you will see that they are super hungry for a few days then won 't eat at all and sleep for the next few ( or vice versa ) . I haven 't noticed any of his sleepers being too snug or fitting better , but then again I have him in 3 - 6 month clothing so I guess I wouldn 't really notice . He now is enjoying a long nap from 1 - 4pm , or later ( by about half hour ) . And takes his little cat naps during the morning . And another nap at 6 : 30pm or 7 : 00pm . ( We need to eliminate this nap because he doesn 't want to go to bed until 9pm or so ! ) . Breastfeeding is going wonderfully . We are generally only giving him one or two bottles ( of breastmilk of course ) during the day . Depends if I drop him off at our parent 's house . I was a bit worried that he will prefer the bottle from doing that , but he doesn 't , which is a relief . Nursing is so much more convenient though , I have to say . I have only been pumping early morning and before I go to bed ( unless Ethan misses a feeding , then I have to ) . So it 's SO NICE to not be attached to a pump all day . I feel very " full " but generally that means that he is due for a feeding , plus I have to work on lessening my supply so I have to just deal with it I guess . We are now working on taking the breast a bit longer than right after his nap . Before I was doing immediately after naptime - he was sleepy and would always take ( still does ) . Now , I am waiting . For instance , he woke up at 8 : 30am this morning , and he was jib jabbering in his crib for 25 minutes . . . . so left him . He was having a great time ! I went in and he was smiling . I changed him and then played with him for a few minutes , waited for his cues and fed him . He took alright . I don 't think he was super hungry but he still took . It 's progress ! We seem to be doing good with that at home but not so much when we are out of the house ( like our parents house ) . So I will see todayPosted by Yes . . . . Ethan is on a napping strike . Refuses to nap for more than 15 minutes . . . . and only if he is laying on me . I 'm not sure what is going on but it 's tiring myself and him out . By 7 : 30pm he is sooo cranky and wants his bed . As soon as he is fed and put down he is out . . . . then up at 2am , 4am , 6am then finally 8am . It 's a bit tiring but I go to bed around 10 now and get a good solid 4 hours ( sometimes 5 or 6 if he skips the 2am feeding ! ) . This morning I was up at 6am , he wasn 't interested in nursing and went back to sleep , so I was up . I 'm hoping for another few minutes but I hear him stirring ! I thought last week was a growth spurt , but no , it 's definitely this week . I think we are coming to the end of it which I am so thankful for because it has been tiring for all of us ! I got to take a shower and clean up the kitchen and NOW HE IS UP ! I 'm feeling pretty tired . I had a chiropractor adjustment and it went really well , but I feel a bit " off " . I 'm sore and tired and can 't wait for my bed ! So here are today 's adventures : Had a chiro appointment for myself . I can 't believe I can crack as much as I did ! It was a huge relief and I feel so much better : D Ethan had a chiro appointment too . He is all better - he will have a follow up in a month to see how he is doing . I weighed in at Weight Watchers . I was a bit nervous to go . I was going to " do really good this week and be down for next week " but I bit the bullet and went anyway . I figured if I didn 't go I was never going to go back . Well , I 'm down 1 . 5 lbs , so I have lost a total of 10 lbs in 6 weeks . Not great but that 's okay since I am nursing / pumping , I can 't be losing too much other wise I may hurt my supply . Ethan is a bit off schedule today . Poor guy was so tired he went to bed at 7 : 30 tonight , and he is still sleeping ( 10 : 30 ) . Actually I just heard him make a noise lol . Gotta go I 'm sure he is hungry ! As you know , Ethan and I have been working on nursing . It 's going well except he will only feed during the night and immediately after a nap . . . . . WELL . . . . Tonight before bed , I gave him 1 ounce to put a bit in his tummy . He didn 't take it all and he actually ASKED to be nursed ! ( Well not by words of course ) . A little tidbit : If you place your baby in the middle of your chest , he will cinch his way down and fall to the left or right . AND if you forget which breast your nursed from last , your baby will tell you because they always go to the opposite breast . They are way smarter than we thing ! They aren 't just a cute little face you know : D So I am on cloud 9 . . . . I just hope this is a good sign that he is realizing that there is lots of food for him to eat and so much better than from a bottle . Another nice thing is that I am pumping WAY less right now and it is wonderful . I always try to pump 2 hours before he is going to nurse , and for the most part it seems to work out . IF Ethan decides that he is going to nurse exclusively , I still need to have at least one good pumping session to stock up milk for Mommy Monday and Date Night Friday . I 'm thinking before bed would be a perfect time and in the morning after his first nursing session ( because I get about 7 ounces AFTER he eats for 15 minutes . . . yes he nurses for 15 minutes max and then is satisfied ) . So this is my main focus right now with him - nursing and lots and lots of contact - so holding , baby wearing , napping together in the afternoon . Off to wash some diapers ! ( Check out those eyelashes - I 'm jealous ! ) 1 . He is nursing 80 % of the day . The only time we can 't get him to nurse is right before bed . 2 . He rolled over today ! I propped him up on a pillow and he rolled to the side . He did this about 15 times before tiring himself out lol . 3 . He has found his fingers - he tries to stuff them all in at one time and then gags . That 's ok . . . . he will learn ! 4 . He is liking his toys now . He sits in the Bumbo until we take him out ( I think he would hang out all day in it if he could but I 'm worried about his neck ) . And he loves the vibrating chair . 5 . He is getting interested in the dogs , food , anything we do . He watches and takes it all in . 6 . He is laughing now . We haven 't gotten the belly laugh but he is doing these cute little giggles . 7 . He is grasping and holding things and brings them right into his mouth ! We decided to just keep him almost naked at home . Our house is warm enough and he is so happy when he is just in a diaper shirt . Thankfully we have a lot of cute ones ! By the end of the night he is just naked ( with a diaper on ) . That is usually right before bed . Then bath , bottle and pj time . It seems as though it is getting harder for him to go to sleep at night , but when he is down he is out . He has been getting up at 1 or 2am to nurse now too . Then again at 6am . The good thing is that I don 't have to pump at night anymore : D That makes it all worth it to me ! Tomorrow is going to be a lazy Sunday . I 'm going to work on some projects that have been lingering around and maybe we will watch a movie . ( Do you see all of that drool ! )

Let 's imagine for a second the mind of a player . First , what is a player ? A player , usually a man , is a guy that " plays " with people 's hearts . They 're a person that doesn 't invest emotionally in a relationship and tries to always get a better partner . A player goes in for the kill , to sleep with someone , then either cheats or moves on to the next target , all while not emotionally getting attached , having fun and breaking your heart . Some guys want to be a player , there is a certain status to being a player . Like a good looking guy who can walk up to the hottest girl in the bar and sweet talk his way into her bedroom . Guys also idolize a player , because not only can he get whatever he wants , he can walk away unscathed , with not a scratch on his heart and the energy to find his next victim . Celebrity players , such as George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio , seem to have it all . Good looks , money and a bevy of babes at their beck and call . Why settle down when you have hot chicks all over you ? Let 's look a little deeper into the mind of a player , shall we ? Is it all that it 's cracked up to be ? Sleeping with one chick and moving onto the next , and next , and next can 't get old right ? I mean , look at Hugh Hefner , he 's a million and one years old and he 's happy right ? Sure , I mean , if you can net an unlimited amount of models like DiCaprio , what 's the point of settling down ? But you 're not DiCaprio are you ? You may be good looking , or even charming , but at the end of the day , just being causal with relationships isn 't what you really want . Look at it like friendships . Do you want a bunch of rotating buds to go see baseball games with ? Only to hang out with them a couple of times and never see them again and get a new group of friends ? Isn 't that kind of exhausting getting to know all these guys only to discard them and make new friends ? You want friends to stick around , friends that are there for you and most of all , friends that you have things in common with and you 'll know that when you hang out , you 'll have a hell of a time . It reminds me of the movie Home Alone 2 . Even though it 's just a kid 's film , there is a really deep scene between Kevin and the bird lady in the park . Kevin talks to her and she says she doesn 't want to love because she doesn 't want to risk getting hurt . But here is the dialogue which I think is important because it breaks down what it feels like to close yourself off to love . Bird Lady : The man I loved fell out of love with me . That broke my heart . When the chance to be loved came along again , I ran away from it . I stopped trusting people . Kevin : Maybe they 're just too busy . Maybe they don 't forget about you , but they forget to remember you . People don 't mean to forget . My grandfather says if my head wasn 't screwed on , I 'd leave it on the school busy . Kevin : I understand . I had a nice pair of rollerblades . I was afraid to wreck them , so I kept them in a box . Do you know what happened ? I outgrew them . I never wore them outside . Only in my room a few times . Kevin : They 're kind of the same thing . If you won 't use your heart , who cares if it gets broken ? If you just keep it to yourself , maybe it 'll be like my rollerblades . When you do decide to try it , it won 't be any good . You should take a chance . Got nothing to lose . Kevin : I think so . Your heart might still be broken , but it isn 't gone . If it was gone , you wouldn 't be so nice . Basically , what I 'm saying is that we 're all human . And humans need certain things in their lives . They need shelter , food , to feel safe . And they need relationships . They need family , friends and a partner . Having someone who cares about you for you , not for your money or looks or anything else superficial , is amazing . Someone who shares your interests , someone you can care for , someone who will stick around when things get tough . You 'll get sick someday , you 'll get hurt someday , and that person will be there for you like a rock . If you 're afraid of getting hurt , join the club , because guess what ? EVERYONE is afraid of getting hurt . These are the risks you have to make in life , or else you 'll never really live . And you 'll never really know . So , why would you want to be a player ? A player is based on ego . Playing up their ego and trying to score , but that can get old and you 'll start feeling detached to people . All the girls look the same , act the same … but that 's because you 're going after certain types of girls so you don 't get attached . George Clooney dated blond models for like forever . And who did he end up with ? A smart brunette ! Someone who challenged him mentally . Because why have the superficial when you can have the real deal ? Why play up your ego when you can really find someone to have fun with , and not just in the bed , but in life ? Someone you can travel with , someone who gets your jokes and makes life worth sharing . I 'll leave you with one last story . I used to work at Starbucks , and there was an old man , grandpa age , that started to work there . One day he was leaving work and put on a leather jacket , a biker jacket and I talked to him . I found out that he never got married , and never had kids and regretted it . Here was this old man that probably had adventures out on the road with his biker gang , but at the end of his life , he didn 't have anyone to come home to . Long time , no chat . Thanks for checking out this blog , even though I haven 't been as active , this blog is still getting a lot of views , so it encourages me to continue writing in here . As always , any questions you have about dating , or any stories you 'd like to share , please comment on any of these posts and I will get back to you . I 'm going to talk about both angles of cheating . I 've been cheated on before , and it made me insecure in subsequent relationships where I thought guys would always do that to me . I felt foolish . I also thought about cheating once and I realized that it wasn 't worth it to cheat . Why is it not worth it to cheat ? I know it 's tempting to dip one foot into the pool and get the best of both worlds , but no one really deserves to be cheated on . Even if that person is a jerk , they don 't deserve it . You can rationalize away why you should cheat , you 're not getting enough attention , they don 't listen to you , etc . If that 's the case , you need to make clear to that person that they 're driving you away and ruining your relationship . I went on a first date once where the guy couldn 't stop talking about his bad ex - girlfriend . Then a few days after the date he texted me that he still wasn 't over his ex . Yeah , no duh . Of course . Also , ask yourself , why are you cheating ? Not getting what you want out of the relationship ? Then ask for it . And if you will never get what you want out of the relationship , the door is over there and you can see yourself out . Be an adult and break up , then pursue something new . Because if you cheat on someone with someone else , that other person will always wonder if you 're going to do them wrong the same way … If you 've just started to date this person for a month and they 've shown you no reason to be jealous , then try your darnest not to be the green - eyed monster , because the minute you start trying to control someone else , you 're breaking that relationship and the only thing you need to control is yourself . YES , YOURSELF . You cannot control another human being , you can only control your own emotions . I 've seen couples living with each other and the guy could not stop being jealous and accusing his girlfriend of trying to date other guys and attracting attention . You know what happened ? She broke up with him because he could never trust her . Don 't be that guy . If it 's been several months / years and you still can 't trust the person you 've been dating , you 're settling for low standards . Yes , you are settling because you think you don 't deserve better . After a few months if you can 't trust that person and you think that every good looking person that walks in the door is grabbing the attention of your honey bunny , you got a big problem . The answer is you 're being WAY too jealous , or that person is really looking for other people . There is no good way to change yourself or them at that point and you really need to leave that relationship . Because you are never going to trust them and years will go by and that will suck ass . Seriously . Been there , done that . I was in a relationship where I couldn 't trust the guy at all . I just KNEW something was wrong . And then the day we broke up ( because we kept fighting and I couldn 't trust him ) he left me a big bombshell revelation . I can 't repeat , but lets say that he was living a lie to most people in his life and they had no idea what kind of secret he was holding in around everyone . It was bad and he was a jerk and my gut instinct was true . He was not an honest person , and that 's why I couldn 't trust him for the life of me . So again , if you 've been with someone for ages and you 're still jealous . Either you 're crazy or you 're right , and both results are bad . You need to leave that relationship and raise your standards . Because you can find someone that you trust . I 'm with someone now that I trust . One day we were at a party and a super cute , younger girl went up to my man and started hitting on him . You know what I did ? Nothing , I went back to doing whatever I was doing because I knew he would handle it . He did . The girl came over to me and asked who my boyfriend was . I pointed over to the guy she just tried to hit on . She really wanted to know if he was taken . My point is , I trusted him enough because I trusted us . I knew that our relationship was strong enough that a younger , cuter girl than me wouldn 't phase him at all . Because our relationship is unique and we 're happy with each other . You can be like that too . So , don 't lower your standards . If something ain 't right , walk away and have dignity . Don 't do people wrong . It will come back to you in your next relationships . One time , I saw a guy try to pick up a girl on the bus . Apparently they had seen each other before on the bus , and he was trying REALLY hard to get her to date him . This girl was hilarious , because she was frank with him and was like , you don 't even have a job and hitting on her on a bus was not her idea of a good time . Being REALLY persistent RIGHT away is a huge turn - off for women . Remember , women are usually pretty freaked out by strangers approaching them and she has no idea if you 're a serial killer or a teddy bear , but it 's in her best interest to protect herself from harm . So if you come off way aggressive , " hey baby , come out with me , etc . etc . " and pushing her , she 's going to run so fast the other way … think of laws of attraction , whatever is being chased WILL run away . If you 're beyond just getting into a girl 's pants and you really find someone with a spark in a place like this , just talk to her , sit next to her and ask her a question . Now , respect her if she doesn 't want to talk to you . You can 't take everything so personally . She could have a boyfriend , or girlfriend , she could be in a weird place in her life , or she could just not like you . Whatever the case , don 't harass her into liking you and giving her number to you . When you strike a friendly conversation , her walls can come down and the conversation flows normally and naturally . I HAVE seen a guy sitting across from a girl on BART ( the subway for you non - Bay Area folk ) and after a few stops , he ended up sitting right next to her and talking with her the rest of the ride home . He had game , he was friendly and wasn 't pushy at all . He wasn 't aggressive . On the other hand , if she doesn 't want to talk to you , back off and let it go . Not everyone is going to like you and you 're not going to like everyone . Remember you do have some power in approaching girls . I know , personally , I would want to ask out guys but I had to refrain because then I would come off too strong , so I had to let guys come to me . You do have some power in picking girls , just remember that the right girl will say yes , and you only need ONE girl to find someone special . You don 't need to sell yourself when talking to a girl . If you need to lead with your money or accomplishments to get a girl to like you , she is not a girl with substance that you want to date . Let me repeat that , if a girl you are talking to will only like you if you talk about what kind of car you have , what kind of job or how much money you make , walk away . Seriously , if you think women are ALL gold - diggers , guess what girls you 're going to attract ? Gold - diggers . If you need to lead with your ego , your money , your accomplishments , you are attracting girls that are shallow . And that 's not what you want . You want a woman with something under the hood , and most importantly , someone who likes you for YOU . So , don 't sell yourself . Don 't have a pitch . You 're not a salesman . Make yourself a little mysterious . Nothing is more boring than a person that talks all about themselves without asking the person they 're talking to without asking questions . The best thing you can do is ask the girl questions . What does she like to do for fun ? What are her hobbies ? How many siblings does she have ? Where does her family live ? Let the girl talk and reciprocate the questions . Because if she 's interested , she WILL ask you questions back . Don 't talk about how her eyes are gorgeous AND has beautiful hair AND has a banging body AND this AND that . Leave it to one or two compliments in the conversation at the MOST . Don 't make it super sexual either . Don 't tell her her ass is banging or her legs are super long . Too sexual too fast . If you want to sleep with her right away … then whatever , you 're gonna do what you want to do . But if you really want someone special , someone to stick around BE a GENTLEMAN . Keep the compliments sincere and minimal . Trust me , a girl will remember that ONE compliment . You don 't come across as desperate and you also are thoughtful . The perfect combo . But women , are different animals . Sometimes we hint at what we want , sometimes there 's no hint and you 're supposed to read her mind . Women want different things out of a present . We usually don 't want functional things as a present . Alas , in my view , I can buy some functional thing on my own , but from a boyfriend / husband , you want something sentimental and pretty . Either something with meaning to you two as a couple or something pretty that makes her look pretty or is pretty . What does she like ? Really ask yourself this before blindly running through the mall asking sales girls what they like . I remember working at Bath and Body Works one Christmas season when I was young and the men coming in for their wives and girlfriends were like shooting fish in a barrel . They had no idea what their significant other liked , so they just picked the most popular scent in a gift basket and called it a day . But after Christmas was over , guess who came in and returned the presents ? The women who got it from their boyfriends because he didn 't know what she liked and exchanged for something she did like . It 's not rocket science to find out what she likes , because she 'll probably show you or tell you . Is she into Etsy products ? Does she like knitting ? Is she into shoes ? Movies ? Video games ? Dancing ? Art ? One thing that 's always a great idea is an experience together . Take a painting class together , they have PaintNites over over the U . S . If she loves dancing , start taking Salsa classes together , if she likes cooking , do a cooking class together . Women love sharing experiences together as a couple . Although speakers for your home system sounds awesome , unless it 's something she 's asked for , she 's just going to assume it 's something for yourself and not her . Remember when Homer bought Marge a bowling ball ? But it was really for him ? Yeah , don 't do that . You know , the funny thing about liking a guy , is that even when he makes a bad joke , a girl is still going to laugh . It 's weird , as girls , we 'll start laughing loudly at the easiest of puns , and the most common jokes , like the guy is Aziz Ansari . A girl shows initial interest in a guy by finding everything he says funny . So , if she 's not laughing at anything … well , you know . If you find it hard to start a dialogue with her and you 're asking all the questions and she 's responding with one word short answers and not asking you questions back , she 's not feeling it . She may also start talking to someone else and start avoiding you . She may start looking around the room to find someone , anyone else to talk to . Her eyes will dart around trying to find hope that she doesn 't have to endure a second longer with you . Nope , doesn 't mean she 's shy , she 's just not interested in you . If you 're trying to meet up with her and she always says she 's busy , without offering an alternate available date , she 's trying to be kind to you , by not flat out telling you she will see you - never ! A girl who 's interested will make time for you within the week . At least ! If she doesn 't make any time , not withstanding an impending wedding or final exam week , she 's going to always be busy . Always . You see a cute girl , you start grinding . You 're hot … kinda . And then she notices you , and rushes straight to her girlfriends and starts jumping all over them furiously . This doesn 't mean she 's a lesbian - werewolf all of a sudden . It means she 'll do anything to get away from you . So , leave her alone already . A girl wouldn 't want you to feel like you need to compete with all these other guys that she likes . She won 't talk about how hot Leo was in The Great Gatbsy , or her crush on Charlie Hunam . Or talk about all the guys she 's dating . She wouldn 't want you to get the wrong impression … that she doesn 't like you . If she likes you , she 's going to want to look into your beautiful eyes . But if you get the feeling she 's just trying to look around you and avoids your gaze whenever you look at her … she 's either stupid shy , or just not into you . And I doubt the shy thing unless you 're in middle school … and if you 're in middle school , you 're too young to date ! Wait until high school ! She 's down to hang out , with several other people around . She 'll go to the movie , bars , clubs , with lots of other people besides yourself . But when you suggest a romantic dinner for two … she changes it to a party of 10 . Yeah , she doesn 't want to be alone with you , sorry . Women who say they gotta focus on their career / school / life and can 't be in a relationship right now , means they don 't want a relationship with you . You may think she 's playing hard to get or has other things in her life , but honestly , most girls would love to be seeing a guy after working hard all day . You 're just not the one she wants to relax with . Share this : FacebookTwitterEmailRedditPinterestTumblrLike this : Like Loading . . . March 11 , 2015Advice , dating , Dating Advice , dating and relating , how she 's into you , is she into you , match . com , she 's not into you , top 102 Comments UncategorizedCompliment HER ! ! ! 5 Rules for Complimenting your Date Hello Gentlemen , For example , I dated a guy back in the day that NEVER complimented me . Not even once ! Probably dated for like a month and a half and it fizzled quickly . I felt like I couldn 't really be myself around him . I even would dress up even more , JUST so he could compliment me . I remember meeting him for a date and I remember a random guy in the street stopped in his tracks and just gawked at me . I looked that brilliant that day . Seriously . And what did my date say ? " Wow , you look nice ? " Nope , nada , zlitch , nothing . I was dumbfounded . I literally stopped a guy in his tracks on the way to the date ( and honey , I don 't pull that stunt often ) and my date had nothing to say . I might as well wore a brown bag and called it a day . Don 't say " the twinkle in your eyes brings me hope of love blossoming … . " or something creepy like that . No . You 'll just accomplish making her feel super awkward because no guy has ever said anything like that to her and she 'll probably think your foreign or something . Say something like , " you look really nice today " , " your eyes are beautiful " or " you look gorgeous " . Use the G - Word sparingly though . That 's pretty much the highest compliment you can give a girl . Compliment her at the beginning of the date when you first see her . Compliment the dress , etc . And you can compliment her once in the conversation when it feels right , or during a romantic moment , like before / after a kiss . Don 't overdo it , you 'll embarrass her . Unless it 's for a booty call , then whatever . But if you want this lady to stick around , don 't compliment her butt , boobs , legs , etc . If you 've been dating for a while , then whatever . But for a the first couple of dates , keep it classy . Today we 're gonna have some fun with romance books turned into movies and how they 're emulating through media . The Twilight movies were a hit amongst women , young and old . It wasn 't just for teenagers ( I can attest to that ! ) , but I 've noticed strikingly similar themes between Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey that I wanted to point out to you guys . I 'm not saying these themes are the end all of be all of how men should act towards women . No , some of these examples in real life AREN ' T cool . Being obsessed with a girl and having no friends is not what healthy relationships are made of . This list is something interesting to look at as to what women fantasize about , but also what women shouldn 't really be liking when it comes to men , but ultimately , what is the core of what women want ? 1 . The main male characters are utterly obsessed with the female main characters . Like " can 't - stop - thinking - about - her - crazy - stalker " obsessed . Why do these men constantly think of the female characters ? Women can obsess about men . Sorry , we do . We wonder when you 're gonna call us in the early stages of dating and thinking about guys is fun . What 's appealing to Twilight and FSOG is that these guys think about these girls all the time . They want to be around her and in a way , " control " her . Edward from Twilight is always " watching " Bella . Even when she can 't see him , he has an eye on her . That 's way stalkerish . There 's a fine line that can easily be crossed when a guy is " watching " a girl all the time . I guess it 's welcome when the girl LIKES the guy , but in REAL LIFE , that 's still a bit crazy to have a guy constantly know where you are . In Fifty Shades of Grey , Mr . Christian Grey likes to literally " control " his women . In the bedroom . But , he also likes to control where Anna works , and what she drives … and wears … Yeah , no . This is not flattering and your partner is not your father . Women don 't like to be told what to do , or what to wear , etc . To Be or Not to Be : Not to be . Don 't obsess about your girl to the point that you want to control her . In real life , these fantasies cannot work . Let the girl be herself , do her own thing , but tell her that you think of her and miss her when she 's not around . Not only are Edward and Mr . Grey completely obsessed with their love interests respectively , they don 't really hang out with " the guys " . I can see on one hand this is appealing to most girls , and on the other hand , how this is very unhealthy for relationships . C ' mon , girls , you know a " night out with the guys " could entail one of the single guys to enlist his friends to be his wingmen to get a girl . So , a guy going out with only guys could mean trouble , if they 're hitting on girls , drinking , partying , that kind of thing . Or maybe they all sit and watch football every Sunday and play videogames until the wee hours of the night . These behaviors aren 't too appealing to women ( except if she 's just as into video games , Monday Night Football and helping your boys score ) , so , just eliminating that prospect all together is more romantic to women . They just want the guy to be focused on them , instead of ditching them for their nerdy friends for a weekend at Comic Con . Oh the horror ! But as much as a girl would love to get rid of her boyfriend 's douche friends , it 's quite important he HAS friends . It 's completely unhealthy to not have a social life outside of your love life . So , make friends , keep boys ' night a mystery to your girlfriend . Don 't do stupid things when your girl isn 't around . I always thought Twilight was a little racist . Bella picked Edward , this rich , white dude , over Jacob , her best friend who was Native American and no where nearly as rich as Edward . Jacob was at least warm - blooded . Oh yeah , and if you 're a vampire , you 're gonna save a TON of money not eating food . Of course you 're gonna be loaded when you don 't eat food . But besides the point , Edward doesn 't technically fly as he can jump like , up a huge tree . He 's supposed to be " 17 " but technically is like a hundred and something . But hey , plastic surgery and botox can do miracles . Mr . Grey , he 's in his 20s , filthy rich , white and he flies his own helicopter . Anna doesn 't care that he can buy her clothes or a car , and insists that he doesn 't . Because she 's independent , you know . But he still buys her stuff and she accepts grudgingly . I totally HATE when guys buy me cars ! Unfortunately , in America , this is the stereotype of the ideal male . Don 't throw rocks at me , because we ALL know the ideal woman . It 's thrown in our faces every day at the supermarkets . But these movies depict this stereotype of what women want . It 's not all true , though . Being rich , young and non - prejudiced isn 't what ALL women want . Everyone wants something different . As beauty may not be your top priority when it comes to dating women , riches may not be their top priority either . Remember , these books / movies are stereotypes of a fantasy , and this example is pretty ridiculous . Don 't change yourself to try to be someone else 's ideal . This one is the most disturbing trait of all . Edward is a vampire , and like all vampires , he likes human blood . But he 's a " vegetarian " and doesn 't drink human blood . But , Bella , she 's so desirable … so he 's always fighting the urge to HURT her . He resists a few times , and gives her a few bruises another time . But it 's weird . It 's disturbing how domestic violence has seeped into mainstream literature in a disguised way . These guys don 't get angry and want to beat up their girlfriends . But there is a level of fear these women have towards the men . Knowing that the men are strong enough to hurt them . Women are afraid of men . We 're afraid that when we go on an online date , we 'll get kidnapped and be never seen again . I know women that won 't go online dating for this reason . Sometimes you never know who you 're dating , if they 're creepy and a serial killer . Who knows ? I think these books / movies play into that fear of women . Kind of like a horror movie . We watch horror movies to deal with our own lives . Dating 's scary ? Watch Fifty Shades of Grey . Just remember , guys , dating is not only difficult , but kinda scary sometimes to women . They 're afraid of getting hurt in more ways than one . We 're not terrified of men , but there are certain precautions ALL women have to take to protect themselves . That 's why , taking things slowly , is always the best way to start dating . Take your time so you both can trust each other . There 's a scene in the first Twilight movie that really stuck out to me , and that I feel like embodies how most women would like to view their potential mate . There 's a scene where Bella is having lunch with her dad and the high school boys are outside the restaurant window , acting crazy . They 're in the windows , shaking their butts ( this was before twerking ) , laughing , being loud , etc . Bella 's dad asks her if she likes any of those boys . She 's like , hell no . Haha . Of course not . And whenever Edward walks in , he 's quiet , mysterious , and doesn 't make an ass out of himself . Same with Mr . Grey . He 's the businessman , and the vision of mystery . I read the 2nd book in the series and I still dunno what his deal is . WHY IS HE TORTURED ? ? ? WHY ? ? ? Mr . Grey acts professional , doesn 't blab about anything and gets stuff done . Both of these men , even though they 're tortured and weird and all that , act like gentlemen . They don 't act super goofy and weird . They act very sophisticated and they 're mysterious because they don 't talk too much about themselves . Here 's tips you should walk away with : When first dating a girl , this is the most mysterious you will ever be to her in a relationship . Before farting becomes the norm when you 're living together . Try to remain as mysterious as long as you can ! Be honest about yourself , but there is absolutely no need to divulge your whole family history , your day - to - day work and all your favorite movies all in one go . Get to know her slowly , as your date will get to know you slowly . If you 're a funny guy , by all means , be funny . But act like a gentleman , open doors , pull out her chair . Your date WILL notice . Be chivalrous . Take tips from these men on how to present yourself . Dress well for your date . Cut your hair and trim your beard . Looking on point always helps . Phew ! That was a lot ! We 'll see how these Fifty Shades of Grey movies pan out . These books have captivated the nation , if not the world , so there 's something going on here , and these men are very similar . They do play to certain female fantasies , but , not all fantasies play well in real life . Another thing I also noticed is that they both tilt their heads down and look up . Look at all the above pictures , they 're all doing the same pose . Just for kicks , try that out in a club . You could look super sexy , or super scary . See if it works ! Hah ! Key Takeaways : Don 't give up your friends , don 't change who you are and be respectful of women . Dating is scary in more ways than one for women . Remember to act like a gentlemen , reveal yourself slowly and treat her like a lady .

The situation in Egypt continues to be fascinating . Really , nobody has any idea still about how it will turn out . It 's tempting to hope that the protesters will get what they want , but you also have to remember the old adage ' be careful what you wish for ' . I 'm sure that at first , that they would show all the signs of enlightenment . But the right wing of the movement would quickly move to suggest a more fundamental Islamic constitution . Leaders on the left would meet with unfortunate accidents , or simply be killed , and before you knew it there 'd be yet another fundamentalist Islamic republic controlled by extremist mullahs . I could then postulate a domino effect . Iraq could quite quickly follow suite once the US troops were entirely withdrawn , and Lebanon is already on that course . Afghanistan will probably fall back to the Taliban regardless , and states to its north and north - west could easily go the same way . A block like that would already have the industrialized nations over a barrel in terms of oil supplies All that time I knew there was ' beef bacon ' available at the supermarket . But I had been ignoring it on the grounds that it was a contradiction in terms . Bacon is made from pig meat isn 't it ? Eventually , my craving was such that I weakened and tried it . To my surprise , it tasted a lot like bacon . It 's cured the same way , with nitrite and so on , and coincidentally , it has less fat , since it is cut from a completely lean joint of beef . My son Richard confirmed that I was not entirely deluding myself . Another breakfast feature is a Tanzanian augmentation to the meal . Adia introduced me to the idea of making either tea or coffee with water in which some Lemon Grass has been boiled . If you can get Lemon Grass , you should try it . I 'm trying to get myself back into a work regime . Today I put in the lighting wiring for the girl helpers room , and fitted a steel frame to go around the mini - bathroom - toilet in there . I think it will be quite a pleasant room when it is finished . Seems like the the wildlife is now watching us rather than the other way round . This morning we had a visit to our compound as per the picture . The picture is from the Serengeti - I didn 't have time to get the camera for ours . Unfortunately , the dogs were out at the time , so the visit was brief . the monkey ran along the top of the wall and climbed up the water tower where he was well out of reach . After a few minutes on top there , he jumped down to the wall again and then into the field at the other side . There are a group of them that live in a compound about 500m away . He could easily have been a young male from there looking to set up household by stealing one of the females . But I think the dogs will have put him off our place , unless of course he is used to dogs . I put a banana on top of the wall where he entered as an enticement , but it is still there , so I guess he has moved on . It 's probably just as well , since he and his buddies would certainly steal my figs , and the passion fruit , and they would probably eat the contents of the vegetable garden . But they are cute . Having been to the Serengeti , and looked at the maps , and seen Kilimanjaro from our house , I can tell you that Kilimanjaro does not ' rise like an empress ' above the Serengeti . I 'm pretty sure that you can 't see it from any point in the Serengeti plain - it is much too far to the east , the Earth is a sphere , and there are the Ngorongoro crater and other mountains in between . But I still like the song - I can put up with a little poetic license . It 's very quiet here - just the two of us . But anyway , I have spent some time trying to write a record of our safari to the Serengeti , and Ngorongoro , and have posted it today under Adia 's Place : A Safari Tale . I hope you enjoy it . There 's not much else . The bananas , figs , and passion fruits are coming on nicely , and the garden is looking good after quite frequent showers . It is hot here in Arusha ( US and UK readers - sorry about that . ) There is a previous post for this date , so if you are unfortunate enough to be a BEV addict , you might want to click the Posts : Older button . But then , OK , our holiday is essentially over - just a last supper remaining - sad but true . There is much cooking going on , and we just took the group photograph . Harry will drive us back to the airport at about 19 : 00 Now , or sasa as it goes in Swahili , if you should be mildly tempted by anything that I have said , or any of the pictures , you should visit the Adia 's Place Serengeti , Ngorongoro , or Pangani pages . They are not there yet , but will emerge over the next few days . Lots of work . I have to choose few pictures from hundreds , and scale them for the web , and come up with some sort of grand design . But bear with me , it will happen ! Both Adia and I will be very sad to see our guests go . It has been like old times for me , and in some weird way I think Adia has shared that . I will definitely have to save up now so she can visit England . So on the 17th we took off to the coast . Getting there was a bit of a pain - it 's a six and a half hour drive to the nearest coastal town in Tanzania , Tanga . Then the place we were staying was another half hour down the dirt coast road . It 's generally the case that any place worth going to involves travel pain . Once Adia had got over some initial reservations about there being nobody in reception , and we 'd forgotten the seven hour journey , everyone loved the place . There was no time for doing much the first day . We took a quick look at the beach and showered , then it was soon dinner time . The food was great . Most of us ate the seafood platter - Zoe 's a vegetarian and doesn 't eat fish . I can safely say that it was the best I have ever had . Crayfish , squid , octopus , grilled fish fillet , and prawns . We had two bandas - a single one , which in my interpretation was a double , since it had a large double bed , and a family one which had the same large bed , and a partitioned off area with four single beds . Richard and Zoe had the single banda , and Adia and me shared the family one with Leo . It was hot at night when the onshore breeze died down , but there were plenty of fans , and I think we all slept pretty well . The next day we went snorkelling over the reef , and then picnicked on a sand island about 2km from the shore . I failed miserably with the snorkelling . The flippers destroyed by ability to swim with confidence , but I could not swim without them because there were sharp corals that you would hit if you trod water . The mask leaked and filled with water , and I began to feel somewhat asthmatic , so I abandoned the attempt . But everyone else really enjoyed it . Adia does not swim with confidence so she used a life jacket , which I suppose is what I should have done , but stubborn pride would not allow . We got back by about 21 : 30 , went for a Chinese meal again , then went to bed exhausted by the journey . Now the girls have gone into town , and Richard and I are burning DVDs of the many many pictures that we have all taken . When we 've done that we 're going for a beer - it 's very hot in Arusha today . The hotel was very pleasant , if perhaps a little dated . But anything with ' safari lodge ' in the title is very expensive . It 's like switching from being in Arusha to being in London . A 500ml bottle of beer costs TS1500 in Arusha . At the hotel , a 330ml bottle ( a size unknown elsewhere in Tanzania ) cost TS4500 . Having learned to use my eyes , on the way back I saw wild animals in the parts of the country where I didn 't think there were any . I have lots more to say , and between all of us there are several hundreds of pictures that I hope we can make into some organized kind of presentation . Right now I 'm going to sleep , so I 'll catch you later . Last night we went to Via Via , where there 's a band and dancing every Thursday . It 's the sort of place you don 't go until after 22 : 00 , and don 't leave much before two . Now it 's already 07 : 15 , and we 're supposed to get ready , have breakfast , and make a packed lunch before the Land Cruiser comes at 08 : 00 . For some reason , I don 't feel all that organized . The time has flown away since Saturday . My son Richard , his fiancé Zoe , and my daughter Leo ( Leonora ) arrived half an hour early on the KLM flight into KIA on Sunday night . Harry , whose company provided the minibus for the airport pickup , turned up as its driver , thanks again Harry . Monday we walked around our village , then went into town to look at the main market , and the second hand clothes market - posh tourism destinations . Then we went to the shopping centre at Njiro to get something to eat before doing the plant nurseries . In the evening Adia made African food - Kageran green bananas from our garden with beans which we ate with stir fried tenderloin bought at the market when we were there . It was good . Yesterday we walked further afield . Up ESAMI hill for a start for some aerobic exercise , and then across the river into Synon , and from there into town by daladala . Then we did the big craft market in town - Richard and I opted out on that . It 's not clear what we 'll do today . It 's a public holiday today , and there may be trouble between the police and CHADEMA brewing again in town . Nicholas is driving into town to see what is going on and will report back . Richard has promised to do a guest BEV posting - he 's taking notes on the visit . So perhaps I 'll make him do that after breakfast before we do anything else . By then we 'll have a better idea of what 's going on . It 's ' V - Day ' tomorrow , though only quite late in the day . The visitors get into KIA nominally at 21 : 30 . So we 're unlikely to get them home before eleven , and then by the time they 've had a bite to eat they 'll probably be ready to crash . Still , tomorrow it is ! The toad that lives on our veranda has now dug such a large burrow in the plant pot where it hides that it will inevitably kill the plant , which is already looking a mess . So today I made a toad box and evicted him into that . It 's just a simple wooden box with a sliding back that I can remove to clean it out if this should be required , or add moisture as was done to the plant pot . Inside there 's a margarine tub with a side cut away and some moist soil inside . The toad seems OK with it , when I 'd pushed it in through the door it quickly made its way into the tub . We will see if it settles there . I had also noticed that there were small birds looking or gaps between the metal roof sheets and the supporting wood . To try and encourage them to live somewhere else , I also made two nest boxes and attached them to the compound wall opposite the house . I 've had no takers yet , and if I do , chances are it will be some other kind of bird , and the original birds will nest in the roof space anyway . I think we are about there in terms of our preparations for ' the visit ' . The big room got its furniture back in place today , and the kitchen sorted out after the painting . I gave the wooden furniture items a coat of wax polish , and put the pictures back on the walls . The place is looking quite presentable . If it looks like we can afford it , the exterior of the South House will get painted too so that all the buildings are the same colour . As I have said , the painter we 've got is so careful that there is little in the way of mess or disruption . I was looking at both of the small houses today to check if there were things that needed to be done , and came away from both of them with my usual feeling . " This is a really nice little house - I could live here ! " In December there was a mayoral election in Arusha , which was fixed by the simple subterfuge of calling a meeting without adequate notice to the city councillors and importing inappropriate voters . The result was that a CCM mayor was elected in a city with a majority of CHADEMA councillors . At that time CHADEMA had stated that if the government took no action over this by 5th January , a large scale protest meeting would be held . Riot police then attacked the crowd there with tear gas and night sticks . There was some resistance and stone throwing and there are widespread rumours of fatalities on both sides . There was nothing about this on the state TV channel news today . Police have since confirmed - AFP - that two people were killed by gunshot wounds , and nine were injured . 49 CHADEMA members were arrested including most , if not all , of the party leadership . On Friday , an Islamic cleric apparently offered Rs 500 , 000 reward ( about $ 6000 ) for anyone who kills Aasia Bibi , a Christian woman sentenced to death for blasphemy . " I will give Rs 500 , 000 to a person who killed Aasia , " the prayer leader of the historic Masjid Mohabbat Khan , Maulana Yousaf Qureshi told a JI protest rally organised against calls for amendments in the blasphemy law and Punjab Governor Salmaan Taseer 's struggle to have the woman pardoned . The cleric also appealed to the Taliban Pakistan to kill Aasia . He asked the group to carry out the killing instead of bombing other places . Salman Taseer - the governor of Punjab - who had called for Aasia to be pardoned , was killed yesterday by one of his bodyguards . The others apparently stood and watched while the killer put two magazines into Taseer 's back . I don 't give much for the chances of the Christian woman . Even worse I expect that the killer and his accomplices will get away with it . The USA and the UK both give aid to Pakistan , and attempt to maintain it as an ally . There should possibly be blasphemy laws that apply to US politicians who take actions that deny the spirit of the constitution , and against British MPs who similarly disregard the country 's traditions of tolerance . To be fair , an anonymous person in the United States has offered $ 10 , 000 for anyone who kills the cleric Maulana Yousef Qureshi until such time as he withdraws his reward for the killing of Aasia Bibi . There are moderates in Pakistan who hold the tolerant and forward - looking views that I expect of the UK and the USA . Perhaps unfortunately , they too have similar views about using violence - that it is wrong . The Islamists there , on the other hand , clearly have no such scruples . Any level of violence is justified to prevent the spread of free thinking . Under these circumstances it seems to me inevitable that Pakistan - already pretty bankrupt in economic terms , and with a political system in danger of disintegration - will quickly descend into being a nuclear failed state similar to Afghanistan , and the primary haven of Islamic jihadists . Negotiation with , propping up , and persuasion of the elected government is pointless . They can 't deliver anything . Their powers are notional and can not be exercised . Aid should stop - there are more deserving targets . It is also arguable that since Pakistan has 100 nuclear weapons , which as things are going will almost certainly fall into the hands of extremists , much more violent action is required . So now I 'm pretty much in holding mode . No more jobs until after ' the visit ' . Jobs always cost money - materials and so on , and I 'm trying so save that so we won 't have to skimp . Maybe I 'll be able to get a couple of retrospective years finished before the weekend . Our various active fruit trees / vines are doing quite well . There are two trees of the Kagera Green Banana with ripening fruit at the moment , and the one other type of banana tree we have - a sweet banana variety , also from Kagera - is on its way to producing . The fig tree is sprouting quite a number of figs - about 20 that I can see at the moment . Not all the branches have started yet , so that number could easily double . I 'll do a picture of them when they have got a bit bigger before I surround them with chicken wire or a net . The Passion Fruit vine is setting lots of fruit . Unfortunately a fair proportion of it is hanging over the outer wall of the compound as I already noted . Passion fruits are ripe when they drop off the vine , and at that point passers - by will pick them up . I shall have to instigate a regular ' passion patrol ' to make sure we pass by more often than anyone else and get at least a proportion of them . The two oldest fruits , which were actually inside the compound on older growth fell off yesterday , and Adia is incorporating them into fruit juice as I speak . That 's mostly what they 're used for , that or jam . Even when they are fully ripe , and as sweet and full flavoured as they get , thy are still quite pungently acidic . This makes them ideal for blending with blander mangoes , papaya , and pineapple , and with bananas and carrot . The aim is to avoid added sugar . Once again we tried to discover where it was ' all happening ' on New Year 's Eve in Arusha , and failed . We went for a Chinese to start with , and then popped in at various places until about 22 : 30 . There was nothing much happening , so we went home . I didn 't bother to stay up . There were no TV channels we get that would be likely to provide live coverage of the New Year anywhere . So like last year , the New Year came in with a snore rather than a bang . So far we 've had breakfast - I was quite amused by Adia 's selection . When I 've done this , I 'm going to finish off a little table to put the gas stove on in the kitchen . We got a new stove some time ago , but since we have started feeding guests , and Adia has had to make quantities of ugali , she finds the stove on the worktop too high for the somewhat vigorous stirring that is required . Brits Eye View is the personal blog of a 68 year old Englishman - Steve Teale , started in January 2003 . It 's currently about life in Arusha ( Tanzania ) , and previously in Bangalore , Manhattan , and the Bronx . It deals with life in general , building a house , food and drink , computer programming , opinion on current affairs , 20th century history , and so on . It may give you some insight into what life is like in ' the third world ' , or encourage you to visit Tanzania . I started playing with it in January 2003 , when I was living in Manhattan . At the time I felt I was going nowhere , and exposing the details of my life could be no worse than not . Almost immediately I changed partners , and quickly recognized that while I might be prepared to live in a goldfish bowl , other 's weren 't . The same year I lost my job - recession , exhausted my NY State unemployment benefits , and got a job in India . Consequently a large proportion of BEV was written in Bangalore . India was OK , but I could not see what I was going to do there when I retired . This uncertainty was resolved when I met my current partner Adia in 2006 . She was a Tanzanian , studying law in India , so I came Tanzania in 2007 . Here we have built a house , and made new friends . The rest , you can read on BEV . At about the same time I had the ridiculous idea of extending BEV backwards to cover the years 1942 to 2002 . So far I have got to 1974 . For the years 2003 - 2010 , choose a year / month from the tool bar . For 1942 - 1974 , choose a year .

I was watching one of those holiday movies that depict the events around the birth of Christ . There have been lots of cheesy ones but this one was pretty good . It seemed to be based on some solid study of the Bible and sound historical research . Herod was portrayed as the villain which he was . He didn 't think twice about killing members of his family who he deemed threats to his throne . In the opening scenes Herod threatens another one of his sons if he does not put down a rival to his throne . In particular , he is concerned about rumors he has heard about a prophecy telling of a Jewish Messiah . The film begins with the Herod ordered massacre of children under the age of two in Bethlehem - just to make sure there were no young Messiahs . Herod always had in the back of his mind that Somewhere , Someone was out to take his throne from him . After the opening scene of the chilling Bethlehem massacre , the action shifts to Nazareth where Joseph and Mary lived . They are very young . Mary is sowing seed in a field with some other girls and boys . They take off on a run throwing seed at each other . Mary 's mother yells at her to keep her mind focused on her work . Her family can ill afford such play when times are so hard . Joseph is seen doing some very rough carpentry without a shop or proper tools . These are poor , simple folk . Then some Roman soldiers come riding into the village interrupting the daily chores . Some one shouts : they have come to collect taxes . The Romans are big , well armored , with swords and spears . They talk loudly and most of the people scurry out of the way , obviously frightened by this display of power . It 's clear the villagers have seen this before and know what is coming next . The men line up to pay their taxes ; the women shield their daughters from the soldiers leering eyes . A few of the men pay their taxes ; some cannot . One man begs a soldier for more time . He laughs and takes control of another third of his land for Herod in lieu of tax payment . Another man who cannot pay all his tax has his donkey coPosted by Pauline was a member of the church I pastored . I don 't know if she ever officially joined but she was as much a member as anyone else . This church was her family and she loved us . She would tell us that almost every Sunday . She lived right next door to the church in a room of a house with other social misfits . Pauline was not " normal " and neither were her housemates . There was a Down Syndrome young man and assorted other persons who did not readily fit in anywhere else . It was a good place to live . A woman who came to our church was the director . Her husband was paralyzed himself after several strokes , one while driving his car . He was hard to understand and I couldn 't always make sense of what he was saying but he liked baseball and sometimes we watched the Yankees together in the summer . Later , she and her husband adopted two special needs children from India . They were adopted by the church family , too . Pauline was institutionalized until she was about 70 . Her parents had abandoned her to the institution when she was a child believing she was retarded . She told us her father was a rabbi in New York City . Pauline was not retarded but being institutionalized for so long retarded her social skills . She didn 't have any . When she was younger she had frequent seizures during which she fell flat on her face . Most of the bones in her face had been broken and then had healed on their own . Her nose was squished in , her mouth was askew and opened widely , showing a toothless grin and showering you with spit as she talked . After church , you were likely to be the recipient of a huge , slobbery kiss along with an enthusiastic bear hug . I love you , she would shout . She was not shy in the least . She always stood up at the church 's prayer time with a testimony or a need for prayer . During the service from her front row seat , she could be heard chomping on her gums ( not gum , but gums ) . She liked to wear dresses and dance around like a little girl . We were her family . Most of the people in town knew her and she would run errands foPosted by There 's a group called the Advent Conspiracy . It was started by a few pastors in the Portland , OR area who were sick of Christmas - I mean all the commercialization of said holiday . You know , it is not politically correct to say Merry Christmas , according to Walmart , anyway ( I understand Focus on the Family has a list of Christmas friendly stores so you can shop at places where Merry Christmas is still heard ) . Bill O ' Reilly of Fox News is a big fan of Christmas . He said that every company in America ought to get down on their knees and thank Jesus for coming to earth because they would be far less profitable if he had not ! . Well , uh . . . . Someone is missing the point here . Would Christmas be better if the Walmart greeter said Merry Christmas to you ? One of the Advent Conspiracy founding pastors said Christmas is our story so why should we be upset if Walmart can 't tell it ? Or something like that . But that is exactly right . We have allowed the culture to pretty much co - opt Christmas . And we in the church , playing catch up , try to get our two cents in when we can . The Advent Conspiracy does not challenge us to opt out of Christmas altogether but it does challenge us to ramp it down a bit . Less money spent , fewer gifts , more attention to justice and world poverty issues - in a few words , keep our Christmas celebrations more in line with the Spirit of the season . Few would argue that Christmas is out of control . There is barely a hint anymore of the " real meaning of Christmas " in our cultural celebrations . This year the focus is on spending ourselves out of the recession . That is our Christmas hope . The top ten countdown of Christmas songs at our local school is this week and Christmas carols are on the banned list . But , Christmas is our story so why should we expect the school to tell it . Not their job . Question is how are we telling it ? How are we living it ? How are our Christmas celebrations any different from those we see in our culture . If you are tired of the Christmas Rush ; if you are looking for some suggestions Posted by 2009 was a good year for reading . In spite of the global recession now in its second year , and the predictions of the end of the publishing industry as we have known it , there were lots of books published . Some of them pretty good although most of my reading for the year was not in new books . I am still trying to catch up with years of neglected reading . C . S . Lewis , and more recently , Eugene Peterson have convinced me to read old books , which because they are old , and still in print , are called classics . I did not read many old books in the sense they are talking about but I read older books , and one or two that I would put on my personal classics list . Book lists are obviously personal . What I might like , you might not . In fact , one of the difficulties in reading good books , is finding them . Especially older ones that are worth your time . Eugene Peterson has a good book of book lists arranged by topic , entitled , Take and Read . I have taken many of them and read them and found him to be a very good guide . On the other hand , I often read book reviews in the New York Times and have not found the Times to be a particularly good guide . Early in 2009 I came across a book recommendation page for pastors that Calvin Theological Seminary published . Given the name you might think it would be heavy on theological books , especially Calvin 's . But , you won 't find many theology books on the list and none by Calvin ! Calvin Seminary believes pastors should read widely in many genres , including , fiction and poetry . I know some pastors who think reading fiction is a waste of precious time . I don 't agree . I think fiction can be very good theology as it shows us how doctrines like those of sin , grace , salvation are worked out in daily life . I find myself reading more fiction , less theology as I get older . So , once I discovered this list of good recommended fiction ( not just for pastors , but especially for pastors ) I dug in with enthusiasm . And I read a lot of fiction this year . One of my favorite works of fiction is A Prayer for OwePosted by Blindside is a new movie out now and selling a lot of tickets . It 's second to the vampire movie that is part of a series that is wildly popular for some reason I don 't think I would ever understand . I do understand football and The Blind Side by Michael Lewis was a good football read before it was a movie . I have not seen the movie but I am almost finished with the book . Not only is Blindside a good football book , it is a good story about a current NFL football player , Michael Oher ( pronounced Oar ) who plays offensive line for the Baltimore Ravens . Before that he starred at Ole Miss and was a first round draft pick . Before that , well , that 's the story told in the book . Michael 's future would have been very different if his life path had not crossed that of the Tuohy family of Memphis , TN . That is the white , rich , Christian , Tuohy family . Sean Tuohy was an outstanding athlete at Ole Miss and owns a lot of Taco Bells in the Memphis area . The Tuohy kids go to Briercrest Christian School outside Memphis , a school that was founded when school integration came to Memphis in the early 70s . When that happened parents yanked 7 , 000 kids out of the Memphis public schools and a whole new private school system sprung up overnight . Briercrest became one of the biggest and best . It certainly was one of the most well funded . For instance , the Briercrest football team meets in a million dollar field house . The head coach has a paid staff of six assistant coaches as well as several volunteers . He could charter a jet for away game travel but doesn 't because it might look like the football program was too rich . They were good ; Briercrest has won five Tennessee state championships in the 2000s . Briercrest and one other large Memphis area Christian school were perennial state powers . Back to the story . Michael is an almost homeless black kid from the poorest part of Memphis . He is being raised by Big Tony . His mother is living but she is an alcoholic . His father is non - existent . The public school is just passing him along . He has learnePosted by With Christmas on the way , all kinds of local holiday treats are planned . Scrooge , the play , will be held at the school auditorium the next two weekends . The new Disney movie starring Jim Carrey as Scrooge will be playing at the theater around Christmas , too . Charles Dicken 's story of Scrooge is a holiday classic . But did he write it to embrace a Victorian era Christmas or as a piece of social criticism ? Dicken 's London world of the 1840s was a harsh and brutal world . Especially for children . London was a literal cesspool with human and animal filth running down the streets . It was the poor who cleaned it up and were covered with it as the carriages of the richer class sped by . London 's society was rigidly separated by class . Most of the people were poor , divided into the working poor and " undeserving " poor . There were poor laws that created poor houses that no poor person wanted to go to . There was a law that permitted the bodies of the poor who died in poor houses to be dissected in the local medical schools ( the Anatomy Act ) . The richer class escaped dreary London with its coal - smoke filled air by living in the country and coming into the city when they needed to do business . About three quarters of the people in the city made up the working class . Every member of an extended family was needed to work to make a living wage . And even then , good jobs were few and rents were high . There were no child labor protections and this was one of Dicken 's reasons for writing Scrooge . Children were on the street selling flowers and matches . Dickens worked as a child to support his own family while his parents were stuck in a debtor 's prison . Dicken 's main character , Ebenezeer Scrooge , is a member of this isolated aristocracy who is unaware of the suffering of the poor . Even among his own employees . His awakening comes when the third ghost visits him on Christmas eve . When he is taken to his own grave , he realizes his future death is coming without hope of redemption . When he wakes up on Christmas day , he knows he still hasPosted by So how will you spend Thanksgiving ? Our family usually had a big meal with turkey and all the trimmings . We watched football and played games . We put some money in a pot which paid off every quarter of the football game to the one who had bought the right square that corresponded to the score at the end of that quarter . It mildly troubled my mother that we were betting and she thought her family which was comprised of a youth pastor , a senior pastor and assorted church officials had been raised better than that . Some of us went hunting in the morning ; all of us went for walks . We ate a late night snack of turkey sandwiches and a second piece of pie and went to bed . On Friday , we hit the malls to shop or see a new holiday movie release . A church service was not in the picture although my sister would always have everyone share what they were thankful for and my father would lead in prayer . All in all , it was a satisfying way to spend a holiday . I felt some guilt , perhaps due to my mother 's influence , that our Thanksgiving celebration was too secular . Maybe an hour or so at church would have helped me get over it . Somehow we have the idea that in order to enjoy ourselves we should pay our dues and spend some time in church first . It is interesting to view our Thanksgiving celebrations in light of the first one . The Pilgrims who lived at Plymouth in 1620 were not big on holidays . The big three were the weekly Sabbath , the Day of Humiliation and Fasting and the Day of Thanksgiving and Praise . The two " Days " were floating holidays depending on the growing cycle . The Thanksgiving Day we call the First Thanksgiving was not an official holiday at all . Edward Winslow , who was present , wrote , " our harvest being gotten in , our governor sent four men fowling . . . the four killed as much fowl as needed to serve our company almost a week . At which time our other recreations were exercising our arms ( not in the sense of going to the gym but firing their weapons ) . Many of the Indians ( 90 Wampanoags joined 50 colonists in this time Posted by If there is major ongoing sin in your life , cut it out . . . at least want to cut it out . . . cultivate repentance by thinking on the glory and compassion of God and your squandering of that love . Look for a spiritual mother or father . For some Christians this is their pastor or priest . To talk with someone about one 's spiritual life is a good antidote to spiritual pride . Attend worship . Confess your sins . . . there is great solace in speaking your sins out loud and hearing the words of forgiveness . Pray , fast , give alms . Give a tenth of your income if you can . If not , work up to that . Give wisely . Serve those in sorrow and need . In person , if possible , personal contact will affect you in ways not gained through writing a check . The scriptures presume all charity is taking place in the context of personal relationships . Practice Agape ( long suffering , self giving love ) in every context ( and it does take a lot of practice ) . Every person you meet gives you a God appointed opportunity to die to self . The six or ten people you deal with today are meant to furnish your own personal " Roman Coliseum " where you can battle against self - will till your last breath . Avoid excessive sleeping and leave the table before you feel full . Overeating undermines the ability to maintain constant prayer . Continually stretch yourself with small challenges in all areas of your preferences and desires , cutting away little pleasures that you think you cannot live without . But don 't go overboard with a sudden , possibly prideful , attempt at excessive asceticism . One needs to get used to moderation gradually . Expect that you will have sorrow and that you will suffer injustice . Expect this and it won 't shatter your faith . Believe firmly that all your joy is with Christ and you will be able to bear it if other resources of joy prove temporary or are never found at all . Pain may be inevitable but it also temporary ; pain is mandatory but misery is optional . Humility is of more value than the greatest asceticism . Pride can be hard to detect because it disguisesPosted by The pigeons are back . Or , at least , they made a guest appearance on the roof of our church this past Sunday . They are a distraction . When they land and take off , it sounds like the roof is caving in on us . Not too subtle , those pigeons . They have been away for almost a year . I don 't know why they came back now or why they like to roost on our roof . Maybe they were asked to leave their previous church . There is a rumor they are following around one or two of our members who have been known to feed them . Maybe it 's a warm place to sit for awhile now that the weather is getting colder . Have I said they are a distraction ? I guess we need to remind ourselves going in to service , turn off your cell phones , and prepare yourself for our roof top visitors when they come . There are many distractions in the life of discipleship . This is but a reminder . Anyone for squab ? The world series is coming down to its final games . One , maybe two more . Andy Petitte will pitch for NY . He 's a gamer but will his older arm ( he has not thrown on only three days rest for several years ) hold up . Burnett discovered last night that no matter how much your heart is in it you still have to throw strikes . His control was not there and his breaking ball was not breaking . It gave the Phillies a chance to get back into it although they almost gave it up at the end . Charlie Manuel does not have a good choice for closer . So , I still give NY the edge in 6 . Howard , the Phillies big threat is not hitting lefties at all . If NY can get to the 8th or 9th with a lead , Rivera is as sure a bet as there is . It will be interesting to see who Manuel goes to in game 6 . Does Martinez have another big game in him ? I doubt it . NY will figure him out this time . Once NY gets back to the Bronx they will have Posada and Matsui back in the lineup . I would like it to go 7 but I think NY takes game 6 . This week is Halloween . So it starts , the Fall Rush to the end of the year . Next up is Thanksgiving , and then the mad dash to Christmas . I don 't really look forward to it . But , I don 't have to live by that calendar . We are so aware of Time . Every where we look we are reminded of the time . It is on the bottom of our computers and on the face of our phones . It stares at us from the dashboard of our cars . Someone has called it the Tyranny of Time . Days fly by , we say . Or , Time drags if we don 't have enough to do or are in pain . Some of us live weekend to weekend and look forward to the next time we get " off island " . Which is often at holiday time . For Holidays , we live by the world 's calendar . Halloween , Thanksgiving , etc , and we let the expectations of the holiday seasons set our clocks . We go through the motions like we are punching a time clock for a job we don 't really like . There is an alternative . Some Christians since the early days of the church have set their clocks differently . The calendar of the Church Year follows the life of Christ . Conforming our days to that calendar was seen as a way to help us conform our lives to Christ . So , it is not Halloween this week ; it is All Saints Day . Thanksgiving is every day . The Sunday after Thanksgiving is the first Sunday of Advent which is our preparation time for Christmas . The last Sunday of November is the first Sunday of the new year , not January 2 . According to the Church Calendar , we have a whole month to wait for the Birth of Jesus . That is what we are doing in December instead of frantically preparing for the secular celebration of Christmas which drains our budgets as well as our energies . Then , it is Epiphany , which is followed by Lent which leads us to the celebration of the great saving event of the death and resurrection of Jesus ( no , there is no time for an easter bunny ) . After Easter , there is Pentecost and the Pentecost season which runs for six months and is a time for going deeper into the Bible 's teachings about who we are supposed to be , and whatPosted by Most of what we do in the church has deep roots , in many cases going all the way back to the earliest days of the church . The word for church body ( building ) comes from a Latin word meaning ship ( nave ) . From early days ( 375 A . D . ) the church was likened to a ship with the pastor / bishop as the captain , the deacons as the sailors and the laity the passengers . Often , the bishop 's throne would be placed in the middle . At times , the laity would stand in the aisles while the elders and the presiding bishop were center stage . In the Middle Ages , churches were often used for secular gatherings where there was drinking , dancing and the performing of plays . The Pulpit which is front and center in many Protestant churches has a Biblical reference in Neh 8 : 4 from which Ezra the scribe addressed the people . But there is little evidence that the sermon was given from a pulpit in the early days of the church . Later on , the bishop usually gave his sermon while seated on his throne ( cathedra ) . Pulpits seem to come into use in the church in England around the thirteenth century . They were usually found on the side of the church . After the Reformation which centered on preaching the word of God , pulpits became more prevalent . In the 18th century , three - decker pulpits were popular . On one level was the church clerk , then the lector and up top was the preacher . Pulpits are pretty much front and center in a lot of churches today although more and more modern churches are forsaking the pulpit for lecterns or just a stool on which the preacher sits . Funny , how when we think we are on the cutting edge we are often just going back to the way it used to be ! Of course , most of the congregations in the early days stood . It seems the only person ( s ) seated were the leaders . Sometimes church buildings had stone ledges around the sides where the weakest members could find a seat . Eastern churches still mostly stand for the service today . In the Western Churches , seating was introduced around the end of the thirteenth century . The first seats were Posted by Ok , so today is game 5 of the ALCS championship series . If the Angels somehow manage to pull out a win , the Yankees still win the series in 6 or 7 . C . C . Sabbathia is the best pitcher on the planet right now and if the Angels get to game 7 , that is who they will have to face . He totally dominated their lineup on 3 days rest and game 7 will be on full rest . Phillies won last night which was good since they may the only team in baseball right now that can match up with the Yankees . It should be a great series . I still pick NY in 7 because Sabbathia can pitch 3 games . The Phillies have Cliff Lee and when Sabbathia and Lee go arm to arm , it should be an epic pitchers duel . Beyond those two both pitching staffs drop off quite a bit . Hamels and Burnett are good but can have lapses when they can 't throw strikes . Petitte has trouble getting beyond 5 or 6 innings . Which is ok because NY has the stronger bullpen by far . The lineups match up pretty well . The Phillies have hit almost as many home runs as NY and they were flying out of the Phillies park last night just like they have been flying out of the new Yankee Stadium all season . The edge has to go to NY though because ARod is hitting like he can and erasing memories of his postseason power outages of the past . Texiera is looking like ARod of postseasons past but he is always a threat to wake up and win a game with a home run . Jeter is playing like Jeter which means like the MVP of postseason play . But the Phillies have a good lineup that combines speed with power . They are scrappy and won 't be intimidated by the Yankees . They will be helped by the DH rule in the world series . Matsui is always a dangerous hitter and he could be out for 3 games . The other intangibles are the weather and the umpiring . Both , have been equally bad this postseason . The weather on the east coast in late Fall can be like Kodiak baseball weather : raw with rain and wind . The umpiring has been amazingly bad for what is supposed to be the best crews in the game . Fortunately , it does not seem to haPosted by Last week I preached on Job . This week it 's the blind man called Bartimaeus in Mark 's gospel . Jesus healed Bart and he became a follower of Jesus . Job suffered , too , before his life got much better . He gave God the credit . Christians have led the way in health care initiatives in the past . Rodney Stark in his book , The Expansion of Christianity , says the growth of Christianity in its earliest days is explained by the sacrificial care during crisis times demonstrated by Christians for their neighbors . Throughout the globe , Christians were often first on the scene providing relief for human need by prayer and action , meaning in many cases missionary doctors and hospitals . Thomas Cahill in his book , Desire of the Everlasting Hills : The World Before and After Jesus , comments that " humanists do not run leprosariums " but Christians have and do . St Francis and Mother Teresa are arguably much better testimonies to the reality of the Christian faith than countless sermons . Given , then , the influential involvement of Christians in health care , why is it so hard to hear a Christian voice in the present debate . We know what the Republicans think . Or do we ? Seems like we know that they think they don 't like what the Democrats think . We know what the Democrats think . They think we need health care reform . We know what the insurance companies and their army of lobbyists think . The entire debate has become politicized and most Christians I have talked to have staked out their position along political lines . What do uninsured people think ? If they are healthy now , they may think I just hope I don 't get sick because I don 't know what I will do . If they are sick , they may be frightened or panicked . If they are elderly , they may not be able to afford the medications their doctors say they need . They may have a hard time finding a doctor who will take medicare . They may live in fear of getting sick , too . Health care is expensive . No one can afford it . Even with insurance , serious illness and long term treatment can wipe out a person 's sPosted by Sarah Palin , former vice - presidential candidate , who is currently a best selling author of a book that has not been published yet , has set some kind of a record for writing an autobiography in the shortest amount of time ( of course , she did not actually write the book but she provided the material for it and that takes time , too ) . Judging by the number of prepub sales lots of books are going to be sold but how many will be read . I didn 't think that many people still read any kind of books ! I wish her well . I know she has legal fees to pay and her husband quit his job on the slope . It 's a curious fact in this facebook / twitter age how many people want others to read their autobiographical details . Put together many facebook comments about oneself or tweets and anyone could come up with an autobiography in record time . But , again , who would read it ? I have been thinking about my life and how it would look in book form . I think I could finish it in about 3 days if I had one of those days off . Of course , like Palin , I would have to find a really good ghostwriter to make my life sound more exciting than it is . I know people like John McCain are waiting anxiously to see what she will have to say about their campaign infighting and others are genuinely interested in her political perspectives ( although far fewer people than before the campaign and her subsequent retirement from the AK state job she held ) . I can 't think of too many people who would hold their breath waiting to see how I turned a phrase or two about the relationships in my life . Maybe my Mom . We had some battles . She used to bait me about my favorite baseball player , Mickey Mantle , and I fell for it every time . I think she would still get a kick out of it , if she thought of it . Still you have to wonder about the desire these days to get yourself out in front of other people . I mean , the real personal stuff like the days you have a headache or feel bad about your favorite team losing a game . This stuff does not make for riveting reading . Maybe that is why wePosted by When I was a kid it was very important for my parents to know we were attending a church with a good youth group . Sometimes just having a youth group was as good as it got . We lived in some pretty small towns . Once , my parents drove us over an hour away every Sunday evening so we could attend youth group . Needless to say , we could never be too involved in it . It is very important for churches to know they are providing a youth group for teens . Somehow , they feel like a failure if this program is not in place . Even small churches struggle to make sure they have a youth group . Youth groups are important and everywhere I have pastored I have tried to make sure we had one . But more important is the issue of what happens in youth group and how that is incorporated into the larger question of how youth group fits into the church as a whole . It is important for youth to feel like they belong to the whole church . Some surprising new studies are saying that as many as 70 % of young people leave church by the time they are 22 . One problem is the segmentation of age groups that has increased over the years . Youth groups have become so big and important in themselves that many youth attend them as their church . They do not participate or have a sense of belonging to the church as a whole . So , when they graduate from youth group and head off to somewhere else on their own they don 't have a clue what to look for in a church . Kara Powell of the Fuller Youth Institute at Fuller Seminary is studying this trend . She says that we have become so youth oriented we have segregated youth from the rest of the church . We have youth pastors and youth worship teams and youth worship services and youth mission trips and young people almost never get a chance to interact with other aged people . They never get a chance to serve other people in the church . They never get to participate in a meaningful way with the whole congregation . Two things , she says , help young people stay involved in church after they graduate : intergenerational worship and Posted by Emmanuel Katongole is a Ugandan born of Rwandan immigrant parents . His father was a poor Tutsi who worked for a wealthy Hutu which is the opposite of the stereotypical images of Tutis as rich and Hutus as poor . He married a Christian Hutu and converted . Then they moved to Uganda . His father died when Emmanuel was 12 but he was raised in the evangelical faith of his parents . Later on he became a priest in Ugandan Catholic Church . For the past 6 years he has taught theology at Duke and co - directed the Duke Center of Reconciliation . In particular , he has been involved in the reconciliation movement in Rwanda . He believes what happened in Rwanda poses serious questions for the whole church . That 's why he called his book Mirror to the Church . He tells the story of the Catholic Cardinal Roger Etchegaray who visited Rwanda on behalf of the pope in 1994 . He asked the assembled church leaders if the blood of tribalism was deeper than the waters of baptism . One leader answered , " yes , it is . " That is the challenge . Emmanuel says he sees many American Christians who are eager to go to Africa to do mission work . They are coming to Africa to " save " it . He says they miss the point . Christian mission is not about delivering sermons or aid or services but it is about the transformation of identity . " We learn who we are as we walk together in the way of Jesus . " Rwanda teaches that our mission is to be a new community that bears witness to the fact that in Christ there is a new identity . It is only by being such a unique people " from every tribe and nation and language ( Rev . 5 : 9 ) that we can both name and resist the spells that want us to live as tribalized people . Much has been asked of Rwanda . How could such a Christian nation be a place of such brutal killing , Christian against Christian ? Emmanuel says Christianity made little difference in Rwanda . It was like an add - on . It did not radically affect people 's natural identities . He says before we can start serving God we must experience a renewal of our minds ( Rom 12 : 2 ) . A new identPosted by Deo was in his 20s when he arrived in NYC . He was Burundian and spoke his native tongue and French but no English . He had less than $ 2oo in his pocket . He knew no one . In two years he had enrolled in Columbia and was working on a medical degree . His goal was to return home and be part of the rebuilding process that was needed after the devastating civil war between the Hutus and the Tutsis . When Deo fled Burundi ( borders Rwanda and shared the genocide with it ) , he was completing his studies to be a medical doctor . His first job in NYC was delivering groceries for a few bucks an hour plus tips . He lived in a abandoned tenement for awhile until he was robbed at knife point . Then he moved into Central Park . His life was marked by amazing instances of Providence . He lived through some of the worst and most brutal killings . He saw horrific violence . His life on the run for six months was surreal . For years afterward he would suffer nightmares and stomach pains . He escaped death , barely , many times . Each time there was someone there to help him . A Hutu woman ( he was a Tutsi ) who shepherded him past the Hutu militias that were slaughtering Tutsis ; a French student friend whose father bought him a ticket to NYC ; an African who was working at customs in the airport and helped him find a place at the tenement and begin to learn to navigate NYC ; a Christian woman in a rectory where he delivered groceries who gave him money , and got him to a doctor , and finally , found a place for him to live ; the couple he lived with who helped him get an immigration lawyer so he could get his green card , and who helped him learn English and pass the exams to get into Columbia and helped pay for his education ; and Dr . Paul Farmer , who has pioneered studies on diseases of poverty , and was instrumental in getting Deo into medical school at Dartmouth . It is compelling story that is told by Tracy Kidder in the book called , Strength in What Remains . Kidder wrote an earlier book about Dr . Farmer and I imagine that is how he heard of Deo 's story . KidPosted by If you are keeping up with the background noise in our culture this week you know that Kanye West dissed Tyler Swift at the MTV awards ( which I did not watch - I don 't know that I could pick out one of those singers songs if I heard them , no , I know I couldn 't ) and then West apologized to Leno , not Swift apparently , on Leno 's new show which the tv reviewers ( what a job ! having to watch all that tv ! ) dissed and Swift accepted the apology made to Leno on the View tv show ( I did not watch either show ) . And Serena Williams apologized for not only cussing out a line judge but threatening to kill her ! She was fined 10 , 000 bucks which is pocket money for Serena . Roger Federer cussed out the judges too but as far as I know he has not apologized . The estimable congressman from South Carolina apologized for his incredible rudeness during President Obama 's speech to congress last week . He was chastised by his peers , but only by about 2 / 3 of them . The rest thinking his oafishness was ok . He has refused to apologize to his colleagues . After all , his rude move is helping out with fundraising in South Carolina . Where the governor recently apologized for running off with his soulmate who was not his wife , and most of his governmental colleagues called for his resignation . His wife and four kids have moved out of the governor 's mansion . He apologized to them , too . What about those American public schools which protested having to listen to the President 's " Let 's Study Hard " beginning of school speech . How rude was that ? Refusing to listen to it . Keeping students home or making sure they were released from those classrooms which were listening to the speech . I can 't imagine such a thing happening back in the day when I was in school . As far as I know , no one has apologized , yet . ( I refer to a previous blog called Blount Words . How is it fair that Serena Williams who threatened a person with murder is fined pocket change while Blount who punched an opponent in the heat of battle , and later apologized , is fined his whole entire seniPosted by I finished watching the tv series " 24 " on dvd recently . Season 7 , I think it was . All 24 hours of it . As you know " 24 " was a breakthrough show that follows the action over a 24 hour period , in real time , as they say . You can 't imagine how much stuff can happen in 24 hours . The country totters on the brink . . . . You can get into a lot of trouble if you don 't sleep . Much of the action that goes wrong may be because everyone is sleep deprived . No one sleeps on this show ! No one is chugging 5 hour energy drinks either . Come to think of it , no one takes any kind of break ! Eugene Peterson has said that God made us to need 8 hours of sleep so he can put the world back together after we have been up for 16 hours making a mess of things . That is one of the lessons of 24 . Up until the end of this series I had never seen anyone pray , either . You would think with the world near destruction , year in and year out , someone would be praying . But , no . More shouting , and shooting but not praying . However , at the end of this past year 's series ( spoiler alert ! ) , someone prays . Jack Bauer , our hero , is dying after ingesting a toxic biological agent . He got hit with it about hour 12 and struggles to save the day the rest of the way . Until , he is coma induced in the last hour to relieve his pain and waits to die . Before that happens , he makes a call to a spiritual leader , who he met earlier in the series , and who talked to him briefly about spiritual things . The spiritual leader shows up at the hospital and they sort of pray or have a moment of silent spiritual meditation together ( what do you expect ? It is still tv ! ) . The point seems to be that Bauer , at life 's end , seeks some kind of spiritual closure . He wants forgiveness . Actually , he wants to be able to forgive himself , as well as know he is forgiven , for all the bad stuff he has done in his life ( so is he praying to himself ? Its kind of hard to tell , but I am not quibbling here . ) My point is that there is prayer . And it comes because Bauer is at the end of his life and he feels the Posted by I was watching the last quarter of the first college football game of the new season last night . It was Oregon vs . Boise State , two nationally ranked teams and the pre - game buildup had created a bowl - like atmosphere . Boise State had upset Oregon last year and both teams had been pointing to this game all year long . Several Oregon players whose trash talk was picked up by media sources predicted a " buttkicking ( you can supply the word actually used ) . Boise State was equally up for the game . It was a sloppy game showcasing the nervousness on both sides . There were many incidents of unsportsmanlike conduct . After the game , tempers flared . There were taunts from the Boise State players and fans . One Boise State player approached LeGerrette Blount the star running back for OU , who was largely a non - factor in the game , and put his hand on Blount 's shoulder pad causing him to turn into the face of the Boise State player ( defensive end Byron Hout who had tackled Blount in the endzone for a safety during the game ) . Hout taunted Blount who responded with a punch to Hout 's jaw knocking him down . This was in full view of the Boise State coach who was talking to Hout and several OU coaches and staff . Of course , the excellent camera work of the ESPN crew captured it all . While the coaches intervened and pulled Blount away , an ugly scene of taunting from the Boise State fans and Blount 's attempts to get into the stands and after the fans ensued . In the aftermath , several sports columnists including one from the Oregonian called Blount to be flagged with a heavy penalty - even suspension for the rest of the year ( ending his career at OU ) . No where was anything said about Hout 's behavior or the ugliness of the Boise State fans . Later , it was reported that Hout 's coach will have a talk with him to see what he learned from this experience . So , at most , the coach sees this as only a teachable moment . Meanwhile , today Blount was suspended for the entire season , including any post - season bowl games . This was his last year and he had bePosted by As I have had my head down this week working with some members of the church to find ways to staff our Sunday School and Junior Church ministries , I have been discouraged . Even though our church is small , we still need many people to teach , provide childcare , lead youth groups and worship and mission outreach . Too often the responsibilities of ministry are shared by too few . The good news is that the people stepped up again and we have a solid staff of servants in place for the fall programs . When I went to bed , at last , after the final meeting this week , I was still discouraged . Why was it this hard ? When was the next meeting at which we would be scrambling to find other people to fill other ministry slots in the church ? I was tired and on edge , as I had my head down ( not so much in prayer as in discouragement ) . As I had my head down , I was focused on one small congregation in one small town in one very large state . As we went over and over the names of people in this church , I was wondering how so few people can be expected to do so much . Maybe the answer was to just do less . To cut out and cut back . To make things easier . This morning I picked up my head and found a new book that I began to read and it lifted my spirits . Mark Noll is a historian who teaches at Notre Dame . His newest book states that - with all the startling changes that have taken place in the last century - nothing less than a new history of Christianity is needed . He does not purport to write that history , yet , so much as make Christians aware of what has happened while we have been doing other things ( like having our heads down looking for Sunday School staff ) . In the past 50 years , the shape of worldwide Christianity has shifted dramatically : This Sunday more Christians will attend church in China than in all of " Christian Europe ( think : in 1970 there were no legal functioning churches in China ) ; this Sunday more Anglicans will attend church in each of several African countries than in Britain , Canada and Episcopalians in the USA combined , Posted by Sunday School has not been around since the days of Jesus . It was started in 1780 by Robert Raines in England . He started it because he was concerned about all the poor children who were roaming the urban streets without supervision or much of anything . Sunday School was a school where these kids could learn to read and write using the Bible as their textbook . It was held on Sunday because most of these kids worked in the factories every other day of the week . Sunday Schools were introduced in America in the early 1800s . At first , there was much resistance . Pastors thought Sunday Schools would weaken the parent 's resolve in teaching their children the Bible . Gradually , the idea won over most churches and the Sunday School movement grew rapidly . In the 1970s this growth stopped and some churches even dropped their Sunday School programs . Most churches today struggle with declining attendance in Sunday School and difficulties staffing it . Has the day of the traditional idea of Sunday School passed by ? It may have . Yet , the need for sharing Biblical truth in a teaching setting different from the worship service has not . It may be time to explore other ways to meet this need . Some churches are using small groups in place of Sunday School . We can 't be afraid of dealing with this " sacred cow " . After all , it hasn 't been " sacred " all that long ! Whatever form Sunday School takes , there is a need for teaching the truths of our faith . Christian Education has been around much longer than Sunday School and we should not equate the two . Christian Education can and does take many forms . Sunday School can still be effective as a means for communicating Christian truth but it is a mistake to put all our eggs in this basket , alone . It is important to provide learning experiences at each age level . Smaller Christian Education experiences promote Christian community which is difficult to experience in a worship service . It also allows for Christian personal interaction among different age groups . Persons older in the faith can serve as Posted by Here are a few things I don 't know : I don 't know why so few Christians read / study the Bible or other Christian books . We love our Bibles and love to lug them around but we don 't seem to spend much time reading them . Related I don 't know : I guess it follows that Sunday School is a hard sell in most churches . Lots of churches have already dropped it . I don 't know why that is . It may be related to the above I don 't know . It 's just not a high priority . Maybe it takes too much time ( 45 minutes ? ) or maybe people have been too bored by Sunday School in the past ( I have been at times ) . But , if the subject is the Bible or theology or church history . . . . how bad can it be ? Also related is this : I don 't know why it is so hard to get people ( Christians ! ) to teach or spend time with kids in Junior Church or the nursery . As a pastor I know I have said all I can creatively say ( nagged . . . ? ) to build an interest in teaching and it falls on deaf ears . . . he / she that has ears to hear , let him / her hear . . . . If these are truly God 's children and if we are called to teach all Jesus has told us ( MT 28 ) , then where have all the teachers / children 's workers gone ? We have entered an era of church history where most people just want to be ministered to . It has been pointed out numerous times that Americans are commitment shy and that has carried over into the church , as well . We have bought into the entertainment model and we expect to be entertained in church as well . . . . and to be served . We surely can complain when our needs are not met . The small church of about 100 people is the ideal size for a church . It may not be large enough to provide all the amenities some people expect from a church . But where does it say churches are supposed come with coffee shops , gyms and all manner of sports teams , bookstores and cafeterias . All these can be found in our local communities . And better we are out there in the midst of the community than in our Christian ghettos . If , as I take it , the purpose of the church is worship , fellowship ( koinonia ) , teachinPosted by King Solomon built God a house . He called it a magnificent temple . You can read about it in 1 Kings . It was not all that big , not much bigger than an average size church today . It was decorated nicely , with lots of cedar and gold inlay . It had some nice stuff inside , too . Like a great bronze baptistry and the ark of the covenant . People , other than priests , were not allowed inside . It was God 's House , not theirs . Solomon instructed the people to pray toward God 's House when they were in trouble and he spells out seven kinds of trouble in chapter 8 . God 's eyes , he tells the people , will be on the temple and he will ( see ? ) hear their prayers . Solomon did not actually believe God would live in this house . He knew God was much greater than that . Later on , other kings fell into the trap of thinking God was in that Jerusalem temple so it was like having God in your back pocket . He was bound to protect and bless you no matter what . God sent prophets like Jeremiah to correct this misunderstanding but it didn 't seem to help . Pretty soon , God 's House was gone . The prophets said it was God 's judgment for thinking they could keep God in a box . It might have been God 's House but God was not going to be reduced to a housekeeper . When Jesus came along it was said of him that the fullness of God dwelled in him ( see the gospel of John , chapter 1 ) . Jesus was God 's new House . That is what we mean by the incarnation . So , the locus of God 's presence changed from a place to a person . And to persons . After Pentecost , followers of Christ are said to be temples of the Holy Spirit . Jesus dwells in us , too . So , the people of God are the house of God , now . Church buildings are helpful but not necessary . The New Testament word for Church is ecclesia which means a local gathering of people . There is no mention of buildings in that definition . In fact , there were no church buildings for the first almost 400 years of Christianity . Then , Emperor Constantine came along and built some big Churches just because he could . Church pews did not become tPosted by Todd Putney is a retired pastor living near Jacksonville , FL . He has served churches in New York and Alaska and was the first coordinator of ESA . View my complete profile

Earlier today , we sent out an exclusive peek of the first chapter of How to Kill a Superhero to our mailing subscribers ! For more exclusives like that one , you can sign up to receive updates on the Get Updates page . If you like this chapter , please tell your friends about it or post a link on your blog or social sites to share it with them . Your word - of - mouth efforts help us reach more readers who like their erotica full of bondage , domination , gear , and superhero fun . There are not many porn books dedicated to the superhero genre , and we need your support ! We hope you 'll enjoy the rest of the book when it 's out . Don 't forget you can ask author Pablo Greene questions on Twitter at @ pablogreene . For more updates , visit www . howtokillasuperhero . net . How to Kill a Superhero : A Gay Bondage Manual by Pablo Greene will be available exclusively on Amazon and in the Kindle store October 8 , 2013 . Join our mailing list for updates . HOW TO KILL A SUPERHERO : A GAY BONDAGE MANUALBy PABLO GREENE CHAPTER 1MY SUPERHERO FETISH My name is Roland . On the night of my twenty - eighth birthday , my friends took me out for dinner . We shared heaps of enchiladas , frosty bottles of beer , limes on the rim . I tossed back a couple of shots . I blew out candles on a red velvet cake , and our waitress led all of us at the table in an off - key rendition of the happy birthday song . Earlier , I had left my car at home on purpose , because I knew I would have a beer or two at the restaurant . By the time we paid the bill , I had drunk seven bottles and downed four shots . I walked home from dinner alone , comforted by the false safety provided by my cell phone and the gauzy softness of my whiskey buzz . It was only midnight , but my neighborhood was a quiet one at this hour . As I walked , I heard nothing more than my own steps as they hit the sidewalk . As I turned the corner onto my street , a person jumped on me from behind . Quick jabs to my kidneys brought me down to my knees , and something sharp punctured my skin . My attacker stabbed me 24 times squarely betweent - shirt . He stood a good eight inches taller than me , and his muscular shoulders cast a shadow as he leaned in toward the mass of people dancing . The sound system exploded with music , and the bodies dancing around us steamed up the place with heat . House and techno had never sounded better to me . We had met by touching first . Our backs bumped into each other , and I spilled my beer . I turned and faced a man packed with muscle , his chest tapering down to a small waist and supported by muscular legs . His biceps bulged out of his short sleeves . I smiled up at him , unsure of what was the best way to respond . He smiled , but only partially . He inspected me while he danced . " Hey , what 's your name ? " he said . " I 'm Rick . " In my mind , in my perverted , twisted little mind , where big Guys this good looking didn 't generally make out with guys like me . They usually walked right past . Those guys always wanted muscle men , and I would never be a muscle man . I looked for Rick 's boyfriend or a posse of friends . He moved with ease , swaying his hips , focused on nothing except the music . He seemed to be alone here tonight , like me . the telltale sign , and I knew it . Before I left my apartment , I had yanked the blue tee over my head , thinking , why not wear this for a night out ? Its shape was nothing but gorgeous geometry : a diamond stretched inside another diamond . This was the logo of The Fighter , one of my favorite superhero icons . Let 's be real . Only comic book dorks or gay guys would wear a shirt like this one . I took a chance , and the shirt was the very thing that started our conversation . I secretly fantasized about superheroes and the sex they might have with each other . Rick traced the outline of the diamond logo , and I felt electric shocks where his index finger touched me through the fabric . I imagined that he could visualize what was inside my mind , how much that fantasy made me hard , how it made me feel like fire in my chest , in my throat , and between my legs and in my balls . I hoped my Fighter t - shirt enhanced my narrow chest enough to keep Rick interested . He smiled at me , tugging at the loops in my belt to jam me closer to him . My own two pecs bumped up against the hard mounds of muscle of his chest . I work in advertising , he shouted . Nursing , I responded . I have often felt that time passes at a different pace when put my hand on Rick 's waist , and one of these strobe light memories exploded onto me . I was back in nursing school , in California , studying in a library carrel . I read an organic chemistry book , with my head down . I was wearing a Fighter t - shirt . I was studying to become a nurse because all my life , I have wanted to help people , the way that my favorite superheroes from comic books helped those who needed it most . In order to become the best at what I did , I mastered knowledge : the systems of the body , its diseases and its strengths . School suited me , and I spent many years in university and nursing school , surrounded by the questions about the body : How do bodies work and why do they grow ? Why does disease strike ? And how do we die ? These questions had started every time I had flipped through the stories of the Fighter , the Overfiend , or their archenemies , like the Dark Matter , Aracniss , or Black Flag . In that library carrel , I saved my comics for the end of the night , as a treat after my studies . The nightclub popped back into my view . I put my face close neck . Rick wore no cologne , but his skin tasted like ocean . He shouted over the music , but I shook my head . I put my hand up to my ear . Can 't hear you . " Can 't hear you , " I shouted . He repeated himself . " You heard me right , " he said . " I fucking love superheroes . " His voice rang deep , cutting through the noise of the bass , and I felt myself harden under my jeans . I knew there were other guys like me , guys who felt a little perverted jerking off on images from their comic book memories , but as far as I knew I had never was concerned . On the Internet , it was a whole different story , though . Online , there were hundreds of men who shared my fetish , and I chatted with them many times . But not once in my life did I ever seriously consider meeting them in person . Too many weirdos , too many creeps . Too many serial killers . Rick let go of my waist , and he put his beefy arm around me . The dark hairs on the forearm ran in the same direction . Orderly , neat , and extremely enticing . I thought he could be Latin American or from an Arab country . Maybe Italy . He walked me to the edge of the dance my story . His green eyes glinted under the lights . Then they went back to their opaque state . " My story , huh ? " I said . I laughed a little . I explained where I worked , and why I loved Kansas City . I explained why I came back own smaller , shorter self would measure up against his knees , his thighs , his back and his shoulder blades . I took a swig from my beer , and another strobe light memory burst in my mind . I was a kid again , ten years old , and my hair was so blond it was almost white . It was Friday afternoon after school , and I ran home with a pile of the latest issues of my favorite superhero comics and read them in the far corner of my bedroom , my body submerged in a bean bag . I traced the muscles of all my favorite superheroes with my fingers , and after I finished reading my stack , I traced them on white paper with a pencil . I liked neatness and order in everything I did . On my desk in my bedroom , I placed stacks of my favorite comics , and in the drawer beneath , the drawings I made of their sculpted bodies . I drew The Fighter , his brother Centaur , and their double - crossing teammate , the Overfiend . I tied a towel around my neck and ran down the length of the house , leaping as I burst into the backyard . " Long live the Fighter , " I screamed . The crash of electronic rumbles and synthesizer brought me back to the glass bar I was leaning against . Rick glanced at some other guys as they walked nearby , and he inspected their bodies , too . He looked experienced at finding what he wanted in a place like this . In profile , his Roman nose gave his face a hard look , like an eagle . He was physically fit beyond belief and out of my league by far . I imagined what he might look like in a pair of tights and a bodysuit delineating the muscled lines of his chest . He looked out at the hundreds of men before us , as if we might be watching the waves of the ocean crash . With his left hand he took hold of my ass and gave it a squeeze . He caught me off guard , and I jumped . I turned up to look at him , and before I could say anything he gave me a quick kiss on the lips . I saw the strobe light memories dance in my mind again . I was sixteen years old , and it was summer . My parents ' divorce was finally real , and movers were taking out my father 's stuff in big boxes . I stood on the porch , watching three thick men carry out my father 's belongings , when I caught a burst of colors sticking out from the trash bins in front of our house . I lifted the lid and saw seven boxes , stuffed to the brim with my comic book collection . Other discarded liquids had fallen on top of the comics , ruining them . Their pulp clumped together as they absorbed the liquid . Either my father or my mother had thrown them out , moving me out of a phase of my childhood against my will . The face of the Fighter peered up at me from the wet pages of his comic . I took this last comic and walked behind our house . There , I jerked off to the pages where the Fighter lay bound to a train track with steel chains , his mouth gagged , and his muscles bulging through his costume . I came in thick spurts onto the pages of that comic , and I yanked my cock back into my boxer shorts when I heard one of the movers come out through the side door . I zipped up my jeans and I went back to the dumpster . I grabbed as many of the comics as I could , and I walked down to the park at the end of our street . I lit a match to my comics and saw them go up in black smoke that made my eyes water and my throat choke . It wasn 't the last time I would ever own comic books , but that day I wanted them gone forever . A trickle of heat brought me back to the dance floor . Rick pressed his other hand onto the spot of skin above my belt , where the edge of my t - shirt gave him access to my bare torso . His hand pressed down firmly , and I blushed . Everyone could see him feel me up under my shirt . Everyone . " Some of my favorite storylines come from Titan comics , " Rick said . " If it weren 't for The Fighter 's travel to the Ultraworld , the whole imprint would have gone to shit . But it didn 't . I have all issues starting from number 137 . " " Wow , " I said . " I stopped collecting them in high school , but I sometimes look at an issue or two . I just can 't believe you get off on them the way I do . " " There 's nothing hotter , " Rick said . He gave my bulge a hard tug that sent a delicious bolt of pain through me . We didn 't last long inside the club . Rick took my hand and led me out through the stairway , onto the side entrance . I could see the dense muscles on his shoulders churn under his shirt and his muscular ass stride with power under his tight jeans . We walked past some really hot guys , all of them looking for sex , and all of them hotter , bigger and more physically impressive than me . But I was the one whose hand Rick was holding . I was his , and he was mine . For a few brief moments , I didn 't feel like a nerd . I had been single for years , and since then , I had figured out that I was better off alone , free of a relationship . I woke up each morning eager to perform my duties at the hospital , and at night , I slept deeply and without dreams . This freedom left me with a lot of time to dedicate to my work , and that kept me happy . The only thing I was missing in my life was the fire of good sex , the taste of a man 's body on my lips , and the thick mass of a cock inside me . I fantasized about finding a satisfying sex life during my walks in the prairies outside the suburbs , or in my walks in Powell Gardens , but I always put the fantasies away by the time I was home , in what I called the real world . I used to call that Kansas City and its buildings , its objects - my apartment , clothes , my books , my triathlon bike , my photographs of my friends and family - the real world . That had been back then . After the night I met Rick , things became different . Outside Fortress , the fantasy veneer of the club vanished . The laser and techno landscape was gone , and there was no glamor left . Glamor was stupid . These streets were still considered the rough part of town , and it wasn 't wise to hang about at this hour of night . Poverty and racial inequality were real here . My own reality was apparent to me , too . I stood in the street now , in my bargain jeans from a big box store , and my eyes bathed in orange light from the streetlamps . But Rick didn 't care about my clothes . He pushed me up against his parked car , and his long hair and his aftershave filled my nose and eyes . He drove a silver Audi . I thought it was sort of ridiculous mature man but the muscular body of a college athlete . " Why don 't you come back to my place ? " I offered . I lived alone , and I wasn 't going to pass up this opportunity . I wanted him in my bed , and I wanted him now . " We 're fine out here , " he said . " For now . Maybe afterward . " Rick 's words gave out firm commands , and this tone of voice he used made me alert , aroused , and eager to hear him talk again . He put his hands on his fly . When he unbuttoned his jeans , I felt a surge in my crotch , a blast of heat . I was hard under my Levi 's , and I kissed his long neck , running my lips over his stiff stubble , and he smiled down at me with his green eyes . I had never done something like this . How many times had times . But I was the guy no one ever noticed . I was the guy that was too plain , too ordinary to take a guy home . I was the guy who always left the bar alone at the end of the night . Except now , here I was , and the wind was rippling Rick 's blue shirt , and I could see it part in the middle , revealing a rock - hard stomach covered in a narrow trail of smooth black hairs . The skin was tan and taut . When I glanced back up at his gorgeous face , I realized that the ethnicities he could fall under had expanded . He could be Mexican , Italian , maybe Turkish . And maybe , he was as American as hamburgers and hot dogs . It was hard to say . I felt the small of his back , and his packed muscles shifted . The boulders of his ass felt heavy and warm under the palms of my hands . I was breathing hard , trying to keep up with his kisses . To be honest , I had never put my arms around a man that was this muscular . I felt awkward holding this dense mass , as if I were hugging a refrigerator . " So , about that superhero stuff , " I said . " Were you serious ? Or did you only say it in order to get into my pants ? " Rick ignored me and kissed me harder . I kissed back . The tip of my dick was throbbing , and I could see a wet spot the size of a quarter spread near my fly . I was oozing pre - cum . Rick squatted . He put his tongue up to the spot and licked . He smiled and sniffed the liquid to pick up its scent . He buried his face in my own stomach , and he yanked my t - shirt up my torso to get a better view of my skinny belly . His mouth tickled me , but I fought the urge to laugh , and when I did , my dick stiffened even further . He laughed too , and he winked at me . His smile spread wide . Hell , it wasn 't even a smile . It was a grin . I saw a couple of cars drive by , their headlights washing over us , but no one had spotted us . Not yet , anyway . I felt alive and raw , and I wanted more . And then he peeled open my button fly , and he put his perfect lips up to my shaft . He ran his tongue over every surface , and he probed my balls with the warmth of his mouth . His muscled shoulders rolled back like a bird spreading its wings . He had the length of my dick in his mouth , and he worked his lips up and down , fast , then slow , always just right . He had most of its length in his mouth , and I felt electricity surge up my spine . It was the best blowjob of my life . I wondered what he might be like in my bed , with me on top of his muscular body , kissing , sucking , maybe fucking . It was all too good to be true , but there wasn 't much time for that thought . Everything felt good , and I could feel a tingle at the soles of my feet . I was going to cum . The air blew trash down the street , and I felt like that trash . I wanted to be rolled over , tossed , funneled away by this man 's perfect mouth on my penis and his large hands pinning me down onto the car . He grew tense then under his shirt , and he broke out in a deeper sweat , his face gleaming , his shirt soaked . " You 've got to let me fuck you , " Rick said . He stood up again , and I looked up at him , trying to memorize every detail of his face . He had a mole on his right cheek . His jaw was hard and square , like a lantern . " Sounds good , " I said , except I wasn 't sure at all . And what kind of idiotic response was sounds good ? I wanted to slap myself across the face . I really wasn 't sure about getting fucked . I had only tried getting fucked once , and it had been a disaster . But something in me wanted this tonight , especially with him . He unbuttoned his shirt a little more to cool off , and the hard muscle of his body ripped through . His pecs were chiseled and huge , mounds of gym - earned muscle , smooth . His stomach was flat and hard , and the sheen of sweat on its surface contoured his abs , his perfect abs . Abs that I wanted to sink my face into . Sweat covered his collarbone . I remembered every comic book hero I had worshipped as a kid , every panel showing off these tight muscles , and I knew he would look perfect in a superhero uniform . But I was too afraid to bring up superheroes again . If I did , I knew Rick would run away . He had told me was into the same kinky fantasy , but I did not believe him . There was only one person in the world that was simply the best at sabotaging my plans , and that person was me . Rick took half a step back and pulled down his jeans and revealed a trail of hair that led down to the tight waistband of his underwear , a shiny red pair of briefs that looked all too much like a Speedo . So hot , I thought . I loved Speedos , and this guy wore one under his street clothes . It was fucking bold . He pulled down the red spandex and I got a glimpse of his cock . Not all of it . But just enough . It was a hard and long cock , veined like marble . Uncut , with a large head . He pressed his body on top of mine , and I almost slipped off the hood of his car . He ground his hips into mine , and he reminded me " I need to be inside you . " " Out here , in the street ? " I said . " Wherever you want , however you want . " He ran his hand over my neck , and as it moved over my face he clamped it over my mouth , as if to shush me , but hard . I wasn 't expecting it to happen , but my dick sprang up harder each time he applied more pressure . I wanted those big hands on me always , tonight , and maybe forever . He glanced to each side , looking out for passersby who might catch us in the dark . I saw none , but it was hard to get a good view . We kissed some more . Then , a shadow crossed his face , and the intensity behind his eyes changed . He pulled his shirt closed . The wind whipped through the trees , getting stronger . A helicopter cut through the clouds in the distance , close to the farmhouses . He glanced at his smartphone . " Didn 't realize how late it is . I can 't stay out tonight , though , I have to catch a flight early tomorrow , " he said . I was angry . Why was he teasing me like this ? I wanted to make this moment extend all night , and now , he wasn 't going to finish the blowjob or anything else up his jeans and ran a hand through his hair . My cock was still erect , wanting more of those red briefs and the heavy balls and cock that lay underneath them . " You have my number , " he said . " You don 't just have to text me , you can call me . I am in town for business twice a month . " I was a shy person , but shy people get angry , too . I was angry , and I am not sure why , but I had to say something . I couldn 't keep quiet . " This isn 't fucking fair , " I said . " This was getting so . . . good . " " That 's why I have to run , because it was so good , and I think you have what it takes to . . . make it good . There is something different about you , and it 's hot , and it has . . . potential , " he said . Rick pressed his shoulders into mine , and he kissed me so deeply I ran out of air . I pushed my own body back into his . He was strong , but I had some strength of my own , and I wanted him to know that I meant this kiss , and that my dick , still hard and pressed up against his thigh , was not going to be satisfied until it got what it needed from him . But I also knew how a night like this one would end ' . He was never going to call me back , and it was never going to be more than a to Seattle , New York , or whatever city he worked from . He said he worked in the advertising industry . I made sure to remember what his face looked like , so I could tell my friends this story one day . I had this last chance to see his face , since I would never see it again . He pulled away from me and got into his car , his muscled glutes flexing as he sat down low in the seat . He rolled down his window and smiled as he sped away . I buttoned up my shirt . When I got home , I showered and brushed my teeth . I got into bed . In the dark , I ground my hips into my mattress and bit down onto my pillow , imagining Rick on top of me , both of us suited in tight superhero uniforms , our skin slick with sweat . I remembered his red Speedo under his jeans , and I embellished my fantasy by placing the red suit over his tights , to seal in place his superhero look . His body engulfed me as he bore down on me . In my fantasy , he entered my ass with his uncut dick , and he kissed the back of my neck . As I lay facedown with my hand around my cock , I came right onto my mattress . His name was Rick . science fiction , and sex converge . This tale takes readers on a ride into the erotic they won 't soon forget . It arrives October 8 , 2013 on Amazon and in the Kindle Store . ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ding dong , ding dong , the town bell started ringing just as the clock struck 12 . As if the sound of the bell was indication of an impending attack , the whole town was thrown into a frenzy . Men , women , young , old , everyone started running helter skelter , some trying to return stolen goods , some trying to pay their debts , the lazy ones attempted to hurriedly complete projects they should have . " Enough of this hullabaloo . You will all form a queue and wait your turn to go into the fort . You 'll meet the almighty King Vasto and to him will you give account . " Like a tranquilized bear , everyone was immediately calm . Everyone obeyed , order and organization , immediately restored . Somewhere on the queue , Mr Stereovida was queasy . He tapped Mr Agiliso who stood behind him on his left arm . Mr Agiliso looked up with a smile on his face , " I certainly am , I used all my assets well . Invested and multiplied all a great fold . " He noticed the uneasiness in Stereovida 's eyes and asked , " No I didn 't . I work as a messenger for one of the noble families . I don 't have that much talent . All I ever did was , well , run errands . Nothing more . " About an hour later , a guard led Stereovida into the fort . He stood before the King and gave his account . The King was very disappointed . " Guards ! Take him away . He is to be fed to the piranhas . Let them have a human dinner , " screamed the King . The year ends in about 48 hours . What special thing have you accomplished this year ? You got married ? If it wasn 't on the moon , it 's not special . You gained admission ? Except you got it without writing exams , No , it 's not special . Job promotion , higher pay ? Except it 's made you as rich as Bill gates , No , it 's nothing . Become a Polyglot In two days you 'll learn to speak several languages . Impossible ? I think not ! It 's really simple . List at least 7 different languages on a paper . For each language , find out how to say hello ( use google ! ) . Note them down and commit them to memory . In less than ten minutes , you 'll be able to speak at least 7 different languagues . Who cares if it 's only ' hello ' you can utter ? Nobody . Set a Record Woah . Woah . Slow down . No one mentioned Guiness world record . Your greatest competition is you . So you 'll be setting a YOUrecord . Try something you have never done before like sticking your tongue out without retracting it for 6hours or talking backwards . It is as easy as farting . Become an Artist Everyone knows Leonardo da Vinci for his works of art especially the Mona Lisa . You 'll also create a work of art . It could be a few pencil strokes , a drawing of a stickman , a painting of a leaf or calligraphy . Art is a means of communication , it doesn 't say meaningful communication , neither does it say meaningless communication . Are you thinking what I 'm thinking ? Feel free to express yourself . Design It ! Yuup , design something . A dress , a shoe , your future house , a car , anything ! You cannot go wrong with creating a design . Cause a mistake made is still part of the design . Awesome , isn 't it ? Shake It ! It is obviously the season of creating dance steps . So why shouldn 't you join the trend ? Create your dance step . Personalize it . It could be as simple as lifting your legs and swinging your arms . It 's your creation , own it ! Teach your family and friends and have them teach their friends who 'll teach friends that 'll teach their friends . It 'll go on and on like that . Who knows , your dance might be the next Gangnam style . So there you have it . Five totally awesome things to do before the year runs out . Do them all and you would have achieved a lot . Thank me later . I told y ' all I had your backs . * winks * Hurry . Time waits for no man . It was a starry fullmoon night . ' Hoooowwwl ' went a pack of wolves somewhere in the woods . Seated around the feet of old man Whitebeard were his grandchildren , great grandchildren and great great great grandchildren . He cleared his throat and in his signature croaky voice , he narrated an ancient tale . " A long long time back , in an ancient town , lived a fair maiden . She was so fair that she was handpicked by forces , forces far greater than any mortal could fathom to be the bearer of the best thing to ever happen to mankind . Blessed she was indeed , for in Bethlehem of Judea , in a manger , she bore a son , not one of a man and a woman but one of the spirit . His name , EMMANUEL . " Merry Christmas people . Glad you made it to this day . We cerebrate the birth of Christ today , the birth of peace , joy , forgiveness , a second chance , salvation ! The birth of God 's greatest gift to man , a gift of love . So let 's make our Heavenly father happy today , shall we ? Let 's reciprocate God 's love to us . Show some love today . Smile and wave at that little boy walking down the street , help that old woman across the road , say thank you to the taxi driver , pray for the crippled beggar on the sidewalk , try cracking a joke at work , make funny faces at your neighbour 's baby , be polite to the woman selling fish in the market . Remember , it 's the little things that matter most . Love is not all about material things . Love is showing compassion , being selfless , empathy for others , being altruistic , giving with expecting nothing in return , rendering help to the helpless . It costs nothing to give love , but in giving love , you are sure to receive more . Do not forget this as you celebrate christmas this year . " Mike , Mike , Mike ! " He could hear his sister screaming his name like the house was on fire and they needed to evacuate all their valuables but alas ! , there was no fire . It was just her annoying habit to scream like she was five houses away when a normal , civil person could have easily knocked on his door and expressed him or herself . As it was , he ignored her petulant screams and focused on the soccer game right in front of him as his opponents were already a goal to the good . He cursed softly and rued his lack of concentration . He despised losing even when he knew he could easily restart the game . Suddenly the door to his room flew open with the force of a Big Show K . O punch and the reading of a earth tremor that the Richter 's scale could easily pick up . " Is it that you deaf , mad or both ? " His sister screamed again . He still refused to acknowledge her presence , she went through with her threat and shut down the system . This got her the desired attention as he sprang up in rage , eyes blazing and shooting deadly daggers at her . " I told you I 'd shut it down , didn 't I ? " She asked defiantly . " Are you mad ? What is your problem Anna ? Can 't you stay a day without frustrating me ? " . This was despite the fact that she had three years on him . " Go and do the dishes , that 's the reason I 've been screaming your name since " . This was one of the reasons he wished he had a junior sibling , someone to shoulder the responsibility of the tedious and downright degrading house chores . Damn ASUU for going on this cursed strike , damn his parents for making him the second and last born , damn his sister for being such a malignant tumour that refused to go away , damn it all to hell and back . Storming out of his room , he banged the door so hard it sent shivers of fear around the whole house and the building seemed to shrink to show how terrified it was . Mumbling jargon under his breath , he barged into the kitchen with the grace of a queen Pig and looked at the dirty plates in disgust , they stared back at him defiantly as if daring him to turn his back on them . " Why can 't we eat in leaves and just discard them instead of facing this arduous task ? " He soliloquized . He attacked the plates with the zeal of a prisoner facing the hangman and washed gingerly . After what seemed like an eternity to him , he rinsed the last of the plates , gave a long sigh of relief and stepped out of the kitchen . Heading back to his room to pick up from where he left off from his beloveth game , his sister 's dreaded voice stopped him in his tracks . " Said something about you cleaning it properly . " " Okay , Okay , I 'll clean it later , " he replied grudgingly . " No , clean it now now before you think of any game . " " I said I 'll clean it na , is it running away ni ? " He was reaching boiling point . " Is your laptop running away too ? " She asked triumphantly , rearing her head forward with her hands on her hip in that annoyingly feminine way . He called on the gods of self - control and resisted the urge to slap her and instead walked to his room . " Well I 'm going to the market now , " She said after a while . " Make sure they are washed before I get back . " " Go sef and never return ! " he retorted in anger . A look of hurt flashed over her beautiful features but it was swiftly replaced with a calm demeanour . She never did return . Finally ! We 're here . The tail of the tale . Thank you for following the story . If you 're not , you should click here to read the head , here to read the upper trunk and here , the lower trunk . Now , let the tail wag ! " ' Sup ma nizzle , what 's cooking ? " I decided to go all gangster on Kenke as I entered the kitchen . " Dragon ears , leprechaun nails and toothfairy wings . " We both laughed . We were going to have chicken and chips . I remembered we had no ketchup . There and then , I wished I had a genie that could magically produce ketchup . I figured my knight could get me one and I made a mental note ' Day 8 - Genie in an oil lamp . ' Kenke was busy frying so I had to go buy the ketchup . I took money from Kenke 's purse ( durrh ! I work , you pay ) . I was walking down the street when a sleek 2014 Toyota Avalon cruised by . The driver looked handsome and young . If only I had a car . . . ' Day 9 - 2014 Toyota Avalon . ' The car stopped a few feet ahead of me , I started catwalking on impulse , swaying left and right like a tree being blown by the wind . The driver got out , smiled and waved . I smiled back , exposing my black gum . As I raised my hand to wave back , a Barbie - like lady , complete with the hair and makeup , shot out of the shop adjacent to me . She raced into his arms and planted a kiss on his cheek . Boy , I was jealous ! I just walked past them with the little dignity I had left . About 15minutes later I was going through the pedestrian gate . My mind drifted to the earlier disconcerting incidence , centering on the lady 's appearance . ' Day 10 and 11 - human hair and Victoria 's secret makeup kit respectively ' . With that , I 'll be the one kissing men in posh cars real soon . The thought was solace enough for me . I opened the door to the apartment and stepped in . An eerie feeling swept over me . It was oddly quiet . I called Kenke 's name ; no reply . I checked the three bedrooms in the apartment and they appeared normal . I entered the kitchen , everything was in place , the potatoes and chicken , all fried . Grisly thoughts started running through my mind . What if some evil person had abducted Kenke , or someone close to her had had an accident , or died ? Or could she have been raptured . I was scared for myself . Everywhere was graveyard still . I tiptoed to my room for fear of alerting who - knows - who ? I picked up my phone and dialled Kenke 's number . I heard her ringtone reverberate through the apartment . Kenke hardly ever left her phone at home . My fears heightened . I was so befuddled that I just pulled out the paper from beneath my pillow and updated the list . I scanned the list again and shook my head at my folly . What sort of 21year old wasted time fantasizing about some knight in shining armour and some stupid list of gifts ? I knew the answer . An unhappy , lonely and bored one . I had no true friends , only acquitances . Family ? I was an only child and I had had lost both parents about a year ago . Extended family ? They were as the name implied , extended ! I gazed at the paper for a while and drew a large X on it . Tears welled up in my eyes . Kenke , she was a million in one to me . She was my family , friend and ' hater ' . I snickered at the last one . She was heaven - sent , like a guardian angel . We had shared a lot together , the good , the bad and the ugly . She made me smile , laugh and cry . She made me happy . I missed her , especially her customary banters . I felt sad . Across the big X I had drawn on the paper , I wrote the word HAPPY in bold . It was all I truly wanted for Christmas and after . What would it profit me to have a knight deliver gifts of all sorts and still remain unhappy . A wise man once said to me , " Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life , the whole aim and end of human existence . " I zombie - walked to the window and gazed at " Apa ! Apa ! Where are you ? Come out , come out wherever you are . " Kenke called out in a singsong voice . " I was in the backyard cutting aloevera for my facemask . I saw you as you entered the compound sef . I didn 't even spend upto five minutes in the backyard . Missed me , have you ? " She asked with a wide grin . The knight approached with a dress made of dazzling diamonds nestled in his hands . He was less than a hundred metre away from me when the earth shook violently . I was panicky . A strong wind started slapping at me . Though it was cold , sweat beads trickled down my body . That was when I opened my eyes . The windows were open and it was raining . The thunder rumbled with a deafening noise . I reached for my wristwatch and checked the time . It read 6 : 35 . I decided to prepare for work . I had been late everyday since the previous Monday . It was Friday , the last working day . I decided to redeem myself . I skipped breakfast and left for work . I hadn 't seen Kenke . Strange . I was surprised the office was packed full and bustling with activities quite early . I walked to my desk . I was barely seated when I heard a voice , " My office . Now ! " It was my boss . I trotted behind him , into his office . He slammed the door and yelled , " I won 't tolerate this . You 've been late everyday since Monday . " I was taken aback , I glanced at the wall clock in his office . 11 . 25 . Oh no . I checked my watch , still 6 : 35 . I felt betrayed by my watch , as well as the weather , partners in crime . The watch had cost me N500 . The mallam that sold it to me six months ago swore it was original . I had changed the battery seven times since then . I grunted . The day went by swiftly and work closed . I decided to walk home , it was a seven minute walk . I was contemplating getting a new watch or changing the battery when something poured down on me . I looked up . It wasn 't rain . Some dunderhead from one of the shops above had poured ' water ' on me . I smelt fish stew . It was all over me . Examining my white blouse , I wanted to cry . I took a step back to get a better view of the shop and yell my head off at whoever had ruined my favourite blouse . I missed my step and broke a heel . I stared at the broken stiletto heel in disbelief . " Today can 't get anyworse . Geez ! Why am I so unlucky ? " Then the rain started . But for the rain , the world have easily witnessed a grown 21 - year old shed tears . " Why don 't you wait in here till the rain stops , " a good Nigerian beckoned me to come into his shop . I walked in and thanked him . He helped me with my bag and got me a chair . He gave me a towel with which I dried myself . " Thank you again . " " Ma ' am , please give me a second . I want to get something from my friend in the next shop . I 'll be back in a jiffy . " There were still gentlemen in Ibadan . I was impressed . He had been gone for about fifteen minutes and the rain had subsided . I reached for my bag to get my phone . I wanted to call Kenke to ask her to meet me in the shop with an umbrella and a pair of flipflops . It was very close to the house . She wouldn 't object . I didn 't find the phone . I searched frantically for it . Then it dawned on me , I had been robbed . The ' gentleman ' had stolen my Curve 2 . How did he do it ? I was confused . I was in a state of shock , " No . Oh no . Oh no . No . No . " I closed my eyes and kept shaking my head . " No . No . No . " Someone slapped my arm and opened my eyes . " Get up woman . ' Cept you want to eat that piece of paper in your hand . " I sent her away with a wave of my hand . " I 'll join you soon . " I recounted all that happened in the dream and thanked my stars it was just a dream . I looked at the paper knowingly . I had figured what i wanted for the next six days of Christmas . " Sunla ! Hurry up ! " Sunla was another of the many names Kenke had for me . I placed the paper under my pillow and two - stepped into the kitchen cheerily . The concluding part of this * fill the blank * tale will be posted on Sunday the 15th * suspense theme plays * . What 'll happen next ? I dont know but Sunday will tell . Thanks for reading . Have a goodluck filled Friday the 13th . Deulofeu attempted to pass the ball to Mirallas but Wilshere was quick to intercept the ball . He made a short pass to Ozil . Ozil expertly tackled Mirallas , sending him to the grass and headed for the goal post . Ozil raised his leg to shoot the ball , the timer on the tv read 87 : 57 . If he could successfully drive the ball into the net , it would be a 3 - 2 victory for Arsenal against Everton . Heart in mouth , fists clenched , tension lines running the length of my forehead , butt almost falling off the chair , I watched Ozil 's shot drive the ball towards the net when out of nowhere , " How hot do I look in this dress ? Would you rate me ten over ten or ten over ten ? This gown is perfecto . The colour and texture complement my skin . See how it accentuates my curves . It 's the right length . And with those red pumps I received on my birthday , the ones you gave me , I 'd look se - en - sa - tional ! " She stopped ranting as she finished dusting imaginary particles off her new gown . If looks could kill , Kenke would be dining with her ancestors . And if thoughts could , she 'd be singing Hossanna with the angels . Eitherway , she 'd be six feet under . I let out an exasperated sigh and headed for my room . I was too angry to utter a word . " One day the gods will smile on you and bless you with real woman curves . " She jeered at me . I grunted , slammed the door and sank into the only chair in my room . I was infuriated and frustrated . At 21 , I still had the shape of an overweight five - year old . A breathing potato with arms and legs . I secretly prayed Kenke was right about the gods blessing me . Thinking of how best to kill time , I remembered the football match . I grabbed my laptop and surfed the internet for the final results of the match . Ozil had scored the goal . Arsenal won . Instantly , all was well with the world again . Kenke and her shenanigans , I thought back to the incident , shook my head and smiled . As much as I hated to admit it , she was indeed lovely in her new dress . That was when something in my head sparked . In no time , I found what I wanted via google . I smiled at it . I might not look ' se - en - sational ' in a dress , I thought , but I could look like a million dollars . I found a $ 17 . 6 million dress , the most expensive dress in the world . It looked almost ordinary , it was infact a muslim - like robe , black and red , but for the beautiful diamonds set on it . I 'd be a walking million dollar diamond . The sound of it felt good . On a piece of paper , I wrote , ' 1st Day of Christmas : $ 17 million dress ' . I smiled at the paper and at the image of a dazed Kenke when she sees me rocking such a dress . Well , it 's all upto my Knight in shiny armour to make it a reality . I laughed out loud and shut my eyes . Standing by the window , I looked out , feeding my eyes with the scene from the busy street . People of different shapes , sizes and colours were splashed all over . Red and green dotted the scenery here and there . " La la la , la la la , la la la la la . . . , " I started humming the carol to myself . " Pantax ! Pantax ! ! Come help me with this tree . It is heavier than Rick Ross , Fat Joe and you put together . Hurry ! Shapish ! " It was Mizkenke calling me to help her move the Christmas tree from the store . I knew better than to waste time arguing a plastic tree couldn 't be heavier than all three of us put together . So , I just scampered off to the store and helped her move it to a corner of the living room . " I have all sorts lined up for this period . It 's going to be off the shizzle . I 'm going to that spa , the one that just opened , to treat myself like the queen I am . I 'll also shop for clothes and hair products . I 'm tired of extensions , I 'll be rocking my short hair this period . " She finished and inspected her work on the tree . She snatched the tv remote from me and changed the channel from Soundcity to Food Network . " Kenke ! Why are you such a bully ? You just made me miss Tiwa 's performance , " I complained . " I also want to try tons and tons of healthy food recipe , " she continued , ignoring me . " I can 't remember all . I wrote them down in my journal . I 'll read them to you when I 'm done watching this . " A tv commercial was on . She turned to me , grinning mischievously , " Dele really is a darling . He planned the whole Christmas thing with me . Isn 't he the best boyfriend in the world ? " " No , he is a bozo . You have brainwashed the poor fella . Please enjoy your show and leave me ! " I screamed at her knowing what she was driving at . " So much envy . I feel your pain . I told you not to friend zone all those nice guys . I told you karma never forgets . I told you but you wouldn 't listen . I 'm really sorry for you , " She replied sarcastically . Kenke , she was all out to torture me , as usual . Even after a year of living in the same flat and constant torture , I still wasn 't used to it . Throwing a napkin at her , I said , " I already have someone . " " I 'll surprise you this christmas . I 've found true love . No jokes . My knight in shiny armour riding on a snow - white horse . He is on his way , galloping towards me from the Sahara . He is probably wondering how to surprise me and make this christmas my best yet , " I replied with a wink . I threw a pillow at her this time . Undaunted by her remark , I continued , " Well , I 'll draw up a list of the 12 things I want . One for each day of the 12 days of Christmas , like in the carol . Before the year runs out , he 'll be outside this house with a truckload of gifts for me . My knight in shiny armour is a Chris Hemsworth clone . With sexy abs , biceps . . . " " I 'm so not going to meet this knight because he lives in your head . And what 's that you were saying about Chris Hemsworth ? Like magic he 'll know what you have on your list ? You are speaking bonkers . You better awake from your slumber , sleeping beauty . Life is no disney fairytale . The only knight that 'll come for you is one with shiny golden hair , Bance ! " With that I grabbed a stool and chased her around the house . The chase was energy sapping . Exhausted , I slumped down in a chair and stared at imaginary stars on the wall . My head was at work trying to decide what and what I wanted for Christmas , what to expect from my Knight . Then I remembered , I was 87mins behind schedule for the Arsenal - Everton match . Moving at the speed of light , I tuned in just in time to catch Ozil shoot the ball . Clenching my fists , I watched the ball head for the net when out of nowhere . . . The continuation will be available on Wednesday the 11th . Make sure you return to read what happens next and what I 'll want for the 1st day . Thank you for reading . Good morning / afternoon / evening / night ( please choose most applicable ) . Happy newday . Happy Sunday . Happy new week . Happy second week of the last month of the year . Happy ! Happy ! ! Happy ! ! ! Oh yeah , I 'm happy . You definitely wouldn 't expect less from someone who just got back from the North pole after one week of fun with you - know - who ( winks ) . Getting down to business , we 're at that time of the year again - the beginning of the end which heralds a whole new beginning ( I see that look of approval on your face : ) Yup , yup , it 's Christmas ( blows trumpet ) . I 'm pretty sure you all have different activities lined up to enjoy Christmas - visiting grandparents in the village , going on a shopping spree in Paris or just sleeping Christmas away on your bamboo bed . If you 're like me ( which is very unlikely ) , you 're finding it difficult choosing between space diving or sun surfing . However you decide to spend this Christmas is totally up to you . All that matters , all that this epistle is trying to preach is STAY HAPPY . All through this season , all I want is for you to be happy ( how hard can that be ? ) . Yes , Smile till your cheeks burst . Dance till your limbs come off . Be happy ! So we all have had our fair share of dark clouds this year , disappointments , loss , failure ( like I failed at telekinesis , couldn 't move a mere thread with my mind ) . There might still be one or two not so sunny days before the year runs out for some ( I 'm no angel of doom . Just being factual ) . Nonetheless , as long as that heart is still pumping blood , think back to those days you did not want to end , when you laughed at the man that pronouced shoulder as solder , at your friend that fell butt - first into a bucket of water , at the clumsy one who spilled Coca - Cola on a very ruthless lecturer . Remember you 've also had a good dose of laughter - filled days and let those memories blot out those of the gloomy ones . P . S . Watch out for 12 days of Christmas tomorrow . It is another cool story from me ( remember chicken run ? Lol ) . I bet you 'll enjoy it but if you refuse to enjoy it , you 'll have to pay me for my hardwork ( I mean it ) . And yeah , if you 're still wondering who I was with at the North pole . Wondering who you - know - who actually is , he is that rotund man always clad in white and red . Sure you know who now . Below is a picture we took together . Cute , isn 't it ? I am one of those people who don 't always see the grey area . I almost always deal in absolutes . Is it black or is it white ? Is it yes or is it no ? I don 't always understand maybes . In the argument nature vs nurture , I was staunchly in the nurture camp . This is not to say I have defected to the nature camp . It just means that I see the grey . In fact , I am in that murky miry place . You know all those questions , ' Which comes first ? ' ' The phoenix or the ashes ? ' , ' The egg or the chicken ? ' and how there 's no correct answer . There 's no correct answer to this either . It 's not a matter of percentages . If it were , it wouldn 't be a bone of contention . It 's not even that the person ultimately chooses . It 's not about the strength of nature or nurture . NO ! NO ! NO ! it 's none of those things and no , it 's not a combination of any . How do you explain a 7yr old girl who didn 't grow up with her mother ( not even the same village ) exhibiting the very traits for which her mother was avoided ? How do you explain how children of rapists and child molesters don 't always end up like their parents ? How do you explain some adoptees growing up to be like parents they have never met and others still like their foster parents ? How do you explain certain mannerisms that children ' inherit ' from parents they have never met ? It is worrisome that I may never know what determines a person 's behaviour . How do I know this beautiful boy I want to adopt won 't grow up to pummel his kids or be a wife beater like his sperm donor father ? How do I know this baby girl I 'm taking in wouldn 't be a junkie like her mom ? How do I know he wouldn 't be a doctor like me ? And she wouldn 't shake her legs because she is scared or nervous ? Or love novels ? Or never has a best anything because she loves too many things ? I guess I can only do what I have learnt to do when I realise that there is indeed a limit to how much I can know . I will accept that I may never be a part of the cognoscenti on this one and just leave it to GOD . There 's a reason he is omniscient . at The bell rang , marking the end of recess . We casually strolled back to our cellrooms . Five years within the walls of the prisonyard and no more were we frightened by the jailers . Their clamouring did nothing to agitate us . Taking our time , we settled down , unkeenly awaiting the arrival of the Gingerfrench Man . Although he was the fairest of them all , the mirror on the wall could attest to that , he was reputed to be the most dreaded jailer . We watched him make a beeline for our cellroom . " Bonjour , " he said in his foreign accent . Turning his table - top behind to us , he scribbled the words ' LA VIE EST UN COMBAT ' on the wall . " Meaning ? Anybody ? " , he asked pointing to the words he had written . " I , " said a voice " Wiser is he who remains silent and is thought a fool than he who opens his mouth and removes all doubt , " retorted the Gingerfrench Man disgustedly . Majority let out a stifled laugh . We all knew better than to answer the jailer 's questions . No reply was ever good enough for him . " La vie est un combat . " " War ? " " With who ? " We were puzzled . As if sensing this , he continued , " Yes , We are at war . We are living a war . At war with ourselves and with one another . " " This war didn 't start yesterday . Non , non , it is as old as time itself . It has always been and will be till the end of time . " " A war like no other . It is in stages , levels . Like those intelligence quotient reducing games you all love to play . Oui , you conquer one stage and you 're automatically fighting to stay alive in another . " " You were conceived in this war . As soon as you were , the fight began . You fought with all you had to survive , to pull through , into this world of ours . Indeed , you fought hard enough and conquered or you 'd be six feet under and pushing up daisies . " He paused and stared into nothing . Like a man in a trance , he continued speaking , " Each man fights for his own cause . Some same , some différent . Winning is paramount . It is all that matters , irrespective of the means . " " Some fight for the sake of love , some fight for money , some power , a good number for fame , some fight just to survive . " " Some succeed in their quest . The not so smart fail in theirs . The unlucky ones fall by the way side . " " Very few want the war to end . Only the weak end theirs . Majority push just hard enough to stay on their feet . For the few wise ones , winners never quit and quitters never win is the motto . " Our eyes followed him as he walked towards the door . He said with finality in his voice , " It is a war of passion fueled by the desire to stay alive , to keep breathing , to always awaken to a new day . " We saw a different side of the Gingerfrench Man that day . We saw the weird but intellectual part of him . " Who knows what act he 'll bring on next , " we thought to ourselves . We silently prayed his path would never again cross ours . If our prayers were answered , time will tell . . . . she heard the murderer slowly approach her . Pistol shaking in hand , she tried to keep it steady . She was determined to blow a hole through the head responsible for the deaths of virtually everyone she cared about . " Hello Chérie , " she heard the murderer say . Only one person called her chérie . . . * Ding dong * I stormed to my door prepared to lambaste whoever had interrupted my reading . It was the mail man . I faked a smile . Received and signed for the package . I was about tossing it across the room when a book slipped out . I wasn 't even going to pick it up , then I saw the author 's name - @ djay _ prinze . @ djay _ prinze is . . . that 's a story for later . With joy in my heart like my granny would say , I picked up the book and started reading . I totally forgot about the previous one . " Damn ! Why does this damned facial ointment have to sting so bad ? , " He muttered to himself as he applied a generous portion to an especially troublesome spot . Why did he have to be so scrawny ? Why did he have to look like a bean pole ? What 's the deal with all these malignant pimples ? Sure girls fancy tall guys , but only if they got some meat on ' em as well ! Why does he have to use glasses thicker than Pamela Anderson 's thighs ? All these murky thoughts passed through his mind as he looked in the mirror . He heaved a deep sigh and turned away from the mirror only to trip over his carelessly strewn school bag . Even a seasoned ballet dancer wouldn 't have survived the trip and as such , he ended up face first on the floor . He muttered an expletive his father would have developed a stroke on hearing . He wasn 't surprised about the fall though . Surprised ? Hell he had a reputation for being clumsy and was fondly ( as he likes to convince himself ) called ' Clumsy Steve ' . He heard his mum 's petulant screams before the sound of the school bus and knew it was time to face another soul killing , energy sapping day at a school he constantly had daydreams about blowing up . Throwing the school bag a disgusted look , he picked it up , trudged downstairs , accepted the customary peck on the cheek from the only woman in his life and picked up his lunch pack ( yes he was 17 and still takes lunch packs to school ) and went outside to meet the cursed vehicle that usually commenced his suffering . Climbing aboard , he heard snickers and mutterings and then caught himself in the side mirror of the bus looking like an escaped refugee from one of those troubled Asian countries . Damn ! Had he forgotten to comb his hair again ? He vaguely remebered holding a comb and that was the last of it . He tried to save a little face by combing his fingers through his wildly curling hair , another curse of his already screwed life . He took his customary seat by the window and shut out the rest of the world . He wondered how his childhood must have been like and how heMelissa , the raven haired beauty that had captured his still developing , adolescent heart 4yrs ago and had stayed right there all those years . She made life worth living and school less gruesome . Oh don 't get him wrong , she certainly had no idea he existed but hey , a bloke was allowed his right to dream eh ? The bus grunted and mumbled to a stop in front of the sprawling building he called school and as he made to get up from his seat , he saw HER ! There she was , his very own Vanessa Hudgens . He kept staring until POW ! He planted his head firmly into the wooden seat beside his . Again he could only mutter an expletive , not fully gratified , he tossed in two more for good measure . It was tough being in the same class as your crush and not offering a word of greeting . The problem with the damned movies he kept watching and by God couldn 't stay away from was that the geeks kept getting the maidens but he was sure as hell as he was sure that Ray J didn 't ' hit it first ' that he certainly wasn 't getting the girl this time . Sighing wistfully , he took his seat in class and prepared his mind to go through the day with the mental strength of a bull determined to take down the red garment held up by the Matador . And like a flash , school was over , he did okay by his standards and gave himself a mental pat on the back . Now , he just had to get through the day at that damned coffee house he worked in . He had to look for a job when his dad had called him , sat him down and spoken to him about ' responsibilities and being your own man ' , hell he had been 14 at the time ! He was still to forgive the old man . His social life failed to pick up despite working in a very public place and he was , if possible , even more anonymous there . He had been working there closing in on two years and still , his boss called him ' Coffee boy ' much to his chagrin . He had been on his shift close to 2hrs when SHE walked in . He saw her and suddenly blanked out ! " What in Will Ferrell 's hairy ass is she doing here ? " screamed his mind . It was hard enough being a ' coffee boy ' but having to serve your crush had to be the most hideous punishment ever . Or so he thought until something incredibly amazing happened . . . " . . . and do the harlem shake , " Baauer 's Harlem shake came blasting through my phone . " You 'll be doing the harlem shake in a big bowl of soaked garri , " I said to my phone . Reluctantly , I answered the call . Two minutes later , I was headed for the hospital . Once upon a time , a time dragons hovered freely in the sky and dinosaurs trodded the earth , there existed a kingdom called Kumazar . Kumazar was a blessed kingdom . Blessed , not for its human nor mineral resources but because it was choosen by mother Earth to be the keeper of Edinor . No doubts , mother earth had indeed blessed the Kingdom of Kumazar and the people acted accordingly . Edinor was idolized . A sacred temple was built for the great bird . The temple was also well guarded by a special breed of vicious animals called the Apes . Even the path to the temple was a treacherous one with obstacles at every turn . Only the finest Kumazar warriors specially trained to overcome the obstacles and get past the Apes could get to the temple to consult with Edinor . News of the great bird soon got around and a rival Kingdom secretly plotted to abduct the Idol . Without warning , the rival Kingdom struck . Kumazar was attacked in the dead of the night and nothing was spared . Everything went up in flames . The news of Edinor and the almost impossible to reach sacred temple spread all over the Kingdoms of that time . Thousands tried to get into the temple and ten thousands failed . Not one was able to reach Edinor 's sacred temple . How the Kumazar warriors ever managed to get into the temple remained a mystery to all . Everything about the kingdom , the great bird , the temple , the warriors got lost and buried in time . Until recently , when a chest containing a scroll with pictures narrating all that happened years ago was discovered in a cave . Experts have successfully decoded the message which speaks of the great Idol , Edinor , great enough to turn the world around for good . Seven brave soldiers of our time set out to locate the temple and recover the idolized bird . One of the warriors got in and captured the idolized bird . But , the whereabouts of the warrior as well as that of the bird is unknown . Rumour has it that the Apes didn 't let the warrior get away with the idol . It is said that this formed the basis of a very popular game . . . are you thinking what i 'm thinking ? Well , sometimes lastweek , while I was busy exploring the universe with my camera phone ( remember my new hobby , phoneography ? ) , I captured this strange looking bird . The bird 's form matched that of Edinor as described by legend . Is this the same bird , the great Idol many lost their lives to capture ? I do not know . The bird took off when it saw me and I had to run after it to get this shot ( do I hear a ' Thank you for your efforts ' ? ) . The bird was incredibly fast and I couldn 't capture it for interrogation . So , I guess I 'll never know if that bird really was Edinor or just a doppelganger . I 'll never know if the legend is infact true or false . I 'll never know . . . I 'm ultra sure you 've never heard a story as ' cool ' as this * dodges raw eggs * . By the way , don 't you think the doppelganger looks faa - bu - lous ? All thanks to photo filters . The art of phoneography is no child 's play * dodges banana peels * . Lol . Thats it ! I 'm out . I love lemons . Like really really love them . I 'm not going to go all moringa - ey and claim that lemons cure all ( even if they do , I wouldn 't know that ) . All I know is that I love lemons . They are awesome . I liked tea back in the day when all I had to do was drink it . Not buy it and boil water and steep it and pour in a cup and wash the cup ( I hate growing up ) . Seeing as I sort of acquired lactose intolerance , no milk in my tea and so , lemons to the rescue . I know it seems weird I mean , as far back as I can remember ( 4years ) , I 've been drinking my tea with lemons and as I was an unconventional child , I 'd request that lemon slices be cut in my cup of tea and I 'd eat them with relish . lol ( bear in mind i used 2 chew paracetamol ) . Anyway , I was a very healthy child . I can like to attribute that to lemons because I didn 't like a lot of things back then . No eggs , no milk , no fish , no onions actually , I didn 't even like most foods . Now that I 'm old , and I 've started having outbreaks , I use lemon juice as a face cleanser . It works like a charm . I see change before the 3rd day . No new pimples , no scars . Some website I can 't remember says that this is due to the astringent properties of lemons . Anyway , my only problem with this wunderbar cleanser is that I have no way to store the lemon juice before it spoils . Any suggestions would be welcome . When I decided to go natural , I discovered in the course of my research that many of the natural hair bloggers use shea butter for their hair . I decided to use it too plus its cheap and easily accessible . Now , my family memebers hate the smell of shea butter , me , I dont mind it . So , I compromised by ' soaking ' lemon peels in olive oil for about 5days and my resulting oil smelled like lemons . I mixed my lemon infused olive oil with shea butter and my butter smells divine . YAY ! ! ! I bet ' cha a million naira that right now , somewhere in the world , a relationship is breaking up , about to break up or just broke up . Breakups really are disheartening . The partners spend valuable time together , probably confessing undying love to each other , saying things like ' you are the air I breathe ' , ' the water that quenches my thirst ' and blah blah . The spark goes with the wind and zap ! , its R . I . P . to the relationship ; making me wonder how they actually plan to survive without air and water . Unfortunately , the deed is done . Its over . Deal with it . People handle breakups differently and on this basis , I have drawn up 5 different classes of people and ultimately 1 or 2 songs appropriate for those belonging to each class . The females rock this category so perfectly . If you 're a guy and this category describes you best , please check yourself , something is defintely wrong . Picture this - Jack and Jill dated for about two years . Jill was Jack 's cook , cleaner , errand girl , everything but a girlfriend . Jill became a bore to Jack ( that was inevitable ) and she got kicked out the back door . Get the picture ? These category of people spend 20hours a day crying and the remaining four blowing their noses . Shame , shame isn 't it ? Well , since you won 't stop crying , I knw d song just for you . No , its not a song by Adele ( you 've had enough of that already ) , it is SEASONS IN THE SUN by WESTLIFE . I request you pay particular attention to the lyrics . Now you can weep for a more honourable cause . Shed your grief in capsules of tears . Losing your Jack is not the end of the world . Fine boy no pimples with the right swag and a pocket full of paper . You might have 99 problems but girls aint one . You have about 5 regular girlfriends , 2 dozen sidechicks and countless groupies that always flock around you . One of the girls you 've been dating wakes up , for the first time in a long time , on the right side of her bed and decides its high time you stopped playing around with her . She pays you a visit ( hopefully it 's her last to you ) . She rants and whines like a wounded cow , says she 's done and leaves . This is a regular show to you . Her exit opens doors for new chicks to flock in . Time to celebrate ! The next friday night , hit the best club in town and have the dj play you the latest NIGERIAN club hits . Dazall ! Dance like it 's gon be your last . You won 't even remember the girl ever existed by morning . The same applies to the very very few girls in this category . Thumbs up sisters . Y ' all make the woman race very proud . For one reason or the other , you guys broke up . So what ? It is good riddance . Life goes on and a better guy is on his way . If you 're the type that likes to drop it low , celebrate the break up with CIARA ft NICKI MINAJ - I ' M OUT . Shake off your ex girl , he 'll regret letting you go . I wonder if you have a relationship or a comedy show . They are the makers and the breakers of relationships . The relationship keeps going on and off like its a switch . Its always on the rocks . Today you guys are all lovey dovey and tomorrow its world war 3 . You finally get sick and tired of your see - saw relationship , you declare it over and intend to make it remain that way . WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER by TAYLOR SWIFT should be your anthem . These are the ones I pity most . Breakup is their second nature . They are always getting in and out of relationships . They are fed up but still want their dream relationship with their fantasy guy . Though physically weak , they have a strong mind . They are not discouraged by failed relationships . Sometimes their strength fails and it feels like the walls are closing in . Hopefully they 'll help you find the inner strength to see you through . I really hope you find the right relationship for you . Dont give up . Keep Hope Alive . I know you all like awoof so here 's a little extra , fit for all categories except the playboy . It is STRONGER by KELLY CLARKSON . I 'm in love and for y ' all that know me , no , its not another celebrity or book character or movie character . IT ' S MY HAIR . Mega surprising , I know oh . That 's how I got converted by a friend ( G . J ) and proceeded to do my research and I have cut my hair . I 'm now on a healthy natural hair journey . Yay me ! ! I 'm now in a beautiful relationship with my hair and that 's awesome . You might not understand why it 's such a big deal for me but it is a very big deal oh . I hated my hair and it even made me cry on numerous occasions . I have been thinking of the name to give my hair and I came up with ntutu which means hair in my language ( thanks dad ) . Anyway , seeing as my hair is a living dead thing to me ( forget MR NIGER ) , it cannot complain if it doesn 't like the name and I get to choose a name . lol . My happiness at getting to name something stems from the fact that I never got to name anything while growing up . i believe that tends to happen when you are the runt of the litter with very vocal and forceful siblings . * sniffs . Oh well , I digress . If I decide I dont like the name ntutu , I 'd change it . It 's not like the hair would know any different sef . Who knows I just might change the name everytime i feel the urge , lol . * Click click * we all are too familiar with this phrase photographers ( or whoever we burden with the task of taking our pictures ) use to make us expose our crooked teeth and look cute for the camera . Im not a pro photographer o , I dont even own a camera ! Recently , I got a smart phone * coy smile * . I took pictures of me and soon got tired of taking shots of my face everytime - ___ - . That gave birth to d picture editor in me . I spent my time editing my pictures till I had nothing else to edit . Well , not until 5days ago when I discovered phoneography ; that awakened the ' photographer ' in me . Phoneography z d art of photography using a camera phone . With the right photo - editing apps , you get to make a statement with ordinary - looking pictures . Since my discovery , I have been taking and editing pictures . Nature has been freely modeling for me . Oh nature ! Thou art an epitome of beauty - the sun and her ever bright smile that lights up my world ( no pun intended ) , the spurt of grey clouds on the clear blue sky and the ' greens ' ? My love for them melts my heart , green organic blood now runs in my veins and they make our world a colourful one . Its amazing what filters can do to a picture . . You can have one picture looking a thousand and one different ways thanks to them . There are other editing tools out there and with time , I plan to explore them all . I 'm positive a good number of you guys are aiidy pros at filtering your photos especially for sharing on instagram and other social networks . Please feel free to share your favourite pictures with us via e - mail and we 'll gladly post them on our blog . I 'll also be posting pictures to share with y ' all from time to time so keep up with the blog . Do I hear a ' Sir Yes Sir ' ? Hey people , welcome ! You 're reading the very first post on this totally fabulous fun weblog , yaaaay ! ! ! This is so so exciting . Trust me , it 's going to blow your minds away . Just be a tad patient ( winks ) . Wondering what this blog is all about ? Well , you know how people say an idle mind is the devil 's workshop ? I know two minds that have been idle for a while and . . . yes , you guessed right , those minds are responsible for conceiving this online beauty . Its that girl next door sharing something about everything that goes on with and around her . From food to family to friends to school to the good , the bad and maybe the ugly ( hopefully not the last two , lol ) . It happens , we share it . We feel it , we tell you about it . We discover it , we 'll let you know about it . It bothers us , we 'll discuss it . If you ever get bored you know where to run to now . Its going to be worth every bit of your time . By the way , feel free to share anything you want to with us - leave a comment or send a mail to femmefuntale @ gmail . com . Enjoy ! ! !

Tagscancer , chapter one , Christie Cote , contemporary , debut novel , excerpt , leukemia , Rain , Romance , Teen , young Adult Chapter One I watched the rain hurl itself against my window . Every so often I would see a flash of light in the darkness . The weather seemed to know how I felt and was displaying my sorrow outside . I felt compelled to go out and feel the rain against my skin . It felt like the sky was crying for me , even though I knew in reality that wasn 't true . I moved from my perch at the window and made my way out of my room , through the house , and out the door . I didn 't bother to put on shoes or a jacket . I stepped outside onto the cool wet grass wearing just my jeans and a light pink fitted t - shirt . I pulled out my elastic hair band and let my blond hair fall around my shoulders . I wiggled my toes in the grass ; it felt freeing . The rain fell on me , beginning to soak my hair and clothing ; but I didn 't care . I invited the rain to drench me and wash away my pain . Closing my eyes , I raised my head up toward the sky and extended my arms outward ; the drops soaked into my skin . As I stood listening , the only sounds I could hear were the rain pounding on whatever surface it touched and the occasional boom of thunder . Breathing in deeply , I opened my eyes and spun around and around in the rain like I had when I was a little girl . I usually acted like the rain would melt me if I got caught in it . I hadn 't behaved this way since I was around seven . It felt exhilarating and almost made me forget . Almost . " Taylor ! What are you doing ? " My mother 's alarmed voice startled me . I turned toward her and saw her blotchy red face and sad eyes staring at me incredulously . She couldn 't hide that she had been crying . It was because of me . " Mom ! Don 't even say it , " I cut her off . " I 'm well aware and can 't forget … no matter how hard I try , " I said angrily . " I know , Mom … I know , " I said as I walked toward her and the house . As I reached the door , I turned around to look up at the sky one last time . It was an expansion of darkness , like the darkness that wanted to consume me . It was funny how one life - changing event could make you forget what happiness felt like . I brought my head back down as a light across the street in an upstairs window caught my attention . It was the only light on in the neighborhood , but I hadn 't noticed it before . The realization then hit me that I had been dancing around , acting crazy in the rain ; people could have seen me . I felt my cheeks warm as embarrassment washed over me . I would have never acted like that before today . I hurried through the door and shut it , leaning against it as I noisily exhaled . I looked down and saw water dripping on the wooden floor . Just then , my mom reappeared with a big white towel and put it in my hands . " Here . Dry off and go change , " she instructed me with a forced smile . " I 'll make us some hot chocolate . " I nodded and wrapped the towel around myself before heading to my room . After entering my room , I shut the door quietly before stripping my wet clothes off . A shiver rolled through me , so I quickly wrapped the towel back around my body and began drying off . After twisting the towel around my hair like a turban , I grabbed a large gray t - shirt and sweatpants to match . I put them on before slipping into my fluffy pink robe from the back of the door . I rubbed the soft sleeve on my cheek , loving the feel of the material . It felt like a stuffed bear was wrapping itself around me , comforting me . I closed my eyes , inhaled deeply , and then exhaled slowly before I emerged from my room . As I made my way to the living room , I examined the typical white walls and the pictures of a happy , normal family displayed proudly . Yesterday , they wouldn 't have bothered me , but now they just seemed like a lie . Things were not normal , and they never would be again . I tore myself away from the photos but felt their gaze burn into me , taunting me for taking everything for granted and acting like nothing could penetrate my perfect world and shatter it . I shook my head , pushing the tormenting thoughts away , and made the last few steps to the couch . I sat down on the soft brown cushion and pulled my legs up in front of me . I wrapped my arms around my legs then interlocked my fingers . I just stared straight ahead at the black screen of the television until my mom walked in front of me and handed me a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows - , my favorite . I took the mug from her hands without saying a word . She sat down next to me without speaking , knowing there was nothing to say . She was here for comfort so I wouldn 't feel alone . She was good at knowing when words wouldn 't help and supported me with her presence . In the past , she could depend on knowing that I would talk to her when I was ready , but I wasn 't sure I would ever be ready to talk about this . Saying it out loud would make it real and mean I would never wake up from this nightmare . I really wanted to wake up from this nightmare . " Taylor ! " I heard Liz yell from down the school hall . I immediately cringed , not ready to face anyone yet . I was not in the mood for petty conversations and drama . I tried to hurry up and retrieve my textbooks from my locker , acting like I hadn 't heard her . I turned the opposite direction , ready to make my escape , when I felt her hand wrap around my arm . I felt my body stiffen , followed by the impulse to spin around and punch her . I controlled my reaction and breathed in deeply , knowing it wasn 't her fault . This was normal . Any other day it wouldn 't have fazed me . " Oh my god , Taylor , how did you not hear me ? " she squealed excitedly . I turned around slowly as she released my arm , and I planted a huge smile on my face . I took in her slight frame and expressive blue eyes . Her shoulder - length auburn hair was layered and parted to the side ; some hair fell across her left eye . Liz was my best friend ; I didn 't really want to hurt her , but I also didn 't want to have to act like everything was normal . " Anyways , " she continued , not missing a beat , " we need to plan your birthday . It 's less than a month away and we haven 't made a plan . It has to be huge . We should totally invite Jordan and tell him to bring his hot football player friend . Well , obviously we won 't say it that way when we invite him . Oh , and you should have a theme for the party . All of the legendary parties have awesome themes . " She finally stopped and took a breath , looking at me expectantly while essentially jumping up and down . I felt myself begin to lose what little calmness I had left . I sucked in a breath , trying to rein in my feelings that were about to explode . " I 'm not having a party , Liz . " My voice shook . " Well , sorry to disappoint you , Liz , " I bit out harshly , " but instead of getting my license and a car for my sixteenth birthday like most kids , I 'll be getting chemotherapy . " I turned around and walked away . She stood where I left her , immobilized by my words . " Crap , " I cursed under my breath . " Screw this . " " Hey , babe . " He smiled his perfect smile that put male models to shame . His short , dirty blond hair was spiked as usual . He stood confidently , nodding his head at the girls giggling and waving at him . I was used to this behavior by now ; most girls had a hard time keeping their eyes off of his muscular body . I just rolled my eyes , wondering why they bothered trying . My voice rose an octave . " And now I 'm leaving . " A hurt expression instantly crossed his face . " Austin , " I continued , " I 'm sorry , but I don 't feel well and I just want to go home . " Slowly , a smile crept across his face , and I moved forward to hug him . He embraced me warmly , wrapping his muscular arms around me . I felt myself melt a little , welcoming the comforting feeling even though he didn 't have a clue how much I needed this right now . I felt guilty because I wasn 't ready to tell him . I should have wanted to tell my boyfriend and best friend what was going on . If anyone would be there for me , they would . But I wasn 't ready to talk about it . I began to pull out of his embrace to leave before the bell rang . " I 'll see you later , " I said as I gave him a soft kiss . His lips were warm and welcoming , and I could feel that he wanted more than the brief contact I 'd allowed . I knew if I wasn 't careful , he would end up convincing me to stay ; and I really needed to get out of this building . I smiled at him and headed out the door without another word . I stepped out of the building and instantly felt better and could breathe more easily not being trapped in there . I felt the coolness of a soft , steady breeze as it blew across my face , and I could hear birds chirping in the distance . The weather was the complete opposite of last night . The sun was beaming down on me , and I could feel the warmth penetrating my skin . Only a few clouds graced the light blue sky , giving me a glimpse of serenity . My mom had dropped me off , so I walked the mile and a half home . I was officially skipping school since I hadn 't been dismissed . I could have called my mom and had her dismiss me and pick me back up , but then she would probably want to talk about it . I walked down my street . Most of the houses looked similar ; it was a boring , uniform neighborhood . The houses were nice but not like how houses used to be . They used to all be different with their own characteristics . Uniqueness had been destroyed in houses today , just like it had been destroyed among people . I sat on the sidewalk across from my house , not wanting to go inside . My mom would usually be at work now , but I had a feeling she 'd called out today . I didn 't have anywhere else I wanted to go ; I just wanted to sit . It was a nice day ; and it felt good to just be outside , not having to do anything . I wasn 't sure how long I had been sitting there staring at my plain white house before I felt someone come up behind me and just stand there . I twisted my body around and squinted up at him while shielding my eyes from the sun with my hand . " Can I help you ? " I asked , my voice filled with annoyance . I took in his thin frame . He was tall and had messy brown hair . His brown eyes were zeroed in on me , and I couldn 't make out his expression . He was in all black and had a skateboarder look to him . " True … " He dragged out the word as he arched his eyebrow . The wind blew , and I smelled his cologne ; it wasn 't Axe , which was what most guys wore . It smelled really nice and had an earthy quality to it . The scent was like being outside after it rained . " I am , " I barely whispered without thinking . I hadn 't expected him to be able to hear it . I was staring at the ground , and he rushed in front of me . I could now see the bottom of his black jeans . He knelt down in front of me , trying to see my face . " Crap , " he cursed . " Are you really ? " he asked , unsure . I peeked up at him without moving my head . His face had paled , and his forehead was scrunched together . He had never expected what he had said to be so true . " Wow . " He exhaled loudly . The shock was clear across his face . " I 'm so sorry I said that , " he apologized , and I could hear the sincerity thick in his voice . " Whatever . " I brushed it off . " Most people don 't think about what they say . It 's like when people make those your mom jokes without thinking about the possibility that that person might not have a mom . " I watched him process what I 'd just said ; he looked a little surprised by my response to his apology . I think most people just thought I was a clueless blonde because that was the stereotype ; and when I didn 't act like an airhead , people were surprised . Those reactions were great for my self - esteem ; thank you , stereotypes . " Maybe . " His voice was soft again . " But I don 't make it a habit to hurt people with what I say unless the person deserves it . " " We 'll see . " A small smile crept onto my face . He stood up abruptly . I thought he was going to walk away , but he came and sat next to me on the sidewalk instead . I turned toward him and looked at him curiously . I held my breath for a moment , surprised he knew that I lived across the street . Letting out the breath , I responded , " Skipped school . Didn 't want to go home . " I bit my lip . I hadn 't said it out loud yet , but it felt like it would be easier telling someone I didn 't know . Like it wasn 't a big deal , no pressure . I had no ties to this person . I could tell him , and he would go on with life just the same . " I have leukemia , " I choked out . A confused expression crossed his face . " It 's a type of cancer , " I explained . I saw the recognition in his eyes at the word cancer . " Yeah . Chemotherapy , a fantastic poison that will make my hair fall out . I 'm not even allowed to dye my hair , and now I 'm not going to have any . " I met his eyes dead - on . " I 'm sick of people thinking I 'm stupid because I 'm naturally blond . I figure if I dyed my hair a different color like brown or something , then I wouldn 't be instantly judged by my hair color . Unfortunately , my parents don 't agree and won 't let me . " " I was surprised by your statement because most people don 't consider those things - especially when they don 't pertain to themselves - but I wasn 't surprised because I expected you to be a dumb blonde . " His voice rang with sincerity . I looked for an inkling of amusement or a hint of a lie , but his face was serious . He continued to look me directly in my eyes . " Good . " The corner of his mouth twitched like he wanted to smile . I wasn 't sure why this guy who didn 't know me cared that I believed him . I didn 't say anything more , and we both sat quietly . It felt good talking to him . When I 'd told him that I had leukemia , it felt like some of the darkness had lifted and some of the sunlight beaming down on us had made its way into me . " I saw you . " The suddenness of Kyle 's voice startled me . I looked at him with a confused expression on my face . " Last night . You were spinning around in the rain . " " It 's not a bad thing , Taylor . I was surprised when I saw you sad and angry today though . I thought maybe it was boyfriend trouble , but boy was I wrong . " " If only . Nope , everything is good on the boyfriend front ; although I would prefer that over the truth . " I frowned . Thinking about Austin made me feel guilty for telling Kyle what was going on when I wasn 't ready to tell him or anyone else I knew . " You told me , " he stated . I looked up at him then . I realized that he was partly right . I was afraid to tell people because of how they would react . I wasn 't ready for more people to be sad for me or hurt because they care about me . Telling Kyle also meant that I did want to talk about it but hadn 't wanted to admit that to myself . " I get it , " he said with an understanding voice . " I worked at a grocery store , and I would ask , ' How are you ? ' because that is what you are supposed to do ; and the normal interaction would be , ' Good , you ? ' And I would say , ' Good , ' and then that would be it . I had some customers take it a little too literally and go into their life story . Like one woman went on to tell me that her husband cheated on her and she is pregnant and her life is ruined and men suck . I guess it was easy for them to vent to me because they would probably never see me again . " I couldn 't hold back my laughter at his story . I wasn 't sure why it was so funny to me , but it was . " Did she realize the irony in her statement ? " I asked , laughing . " Saying men suck while speaking to a man . " He smiled back at me , seeming to enjoy my amusement . " I don 't think she cared . I cashed her out as fast as possible before she decided to throw something at me because all men suck , " he chuckled . I imagined some middle - aged , crazy - haired woman picking up a package of eggs or something and chucking it at him . I could see the slimy , yellow - and - transparent , goopy eggs sliding down his shocked face . I began laughing uncontrollably at the image in my head . " Well , if that 's what makes you happy … " He smiled crookedly at me . It felt good to laugh ; I didn 't think anything could make me laugh again , but I was wrong . I just needed someone to distract me and make me forget , even if it was just for a moment . " Taylor ! What the hell ! ? " Liz 's angry voice instantly stopped my laughter , killing the moment . I looked up to where her voice was coming from . She was standing in front of my house with her arms crossed , glaring . I looked back at Kyle as I stood up . " I have to go . " He just nodded at me . " Thanks , " I said as I turned and began walking toward Liz . This was not going to be fun . " I live across the street , " he told me ; and , without another word , he turned around toward his house . Then I realized what he 'd meant . I 'd told my problems to a stranger I would probably see again .

As I lay on the rocks below , waiting for death to greet me , I see a naval ship , and smile . Maybe , just maybe it can pick up Ralph . Maybe . . . Just Maybe . . . And then my world finally goes dark . . and I leave this hellish island . Im done being bullied . Im done being used . I called a meeting so that we could decide that we needed to get my glasses back . Jack had stolen them from me . Stolen what I needed for survival . When we find Jack 's tribe , they are completely hostile towards us , and want nothing to do with any source of reasoning . They have become complete savages , no longer knowing the difference between right and wrong . I ask for my glasses back , but then jack comes out , telling us to go back to our side of the island , Thats where Ralph steps in and demands the glasses back . Ralph and Jack fight with spears for a little , and then I remind him what we were here for . The glasses . He understands . Thats when the savages grab Sam n ' Eric , tie them up , and Jack and Ralph get into a fist fight . I 've had it . I can take this damned island anymore . I scream at the boys , telling them to look at what savages they have become . Thats when , I look up quick enough , to see my own death . I don 't feel myself hit the rocks below . I Can 't feel anything anymore . The next morning , I see that our group now consist of Ralph , Sam n ' Eric , Me and some little ones are all that remain in his camp . Ralph points out to me that we just murdered Simon . As if I didn 't already know the sins we have committed . . . So I object to the use of the term " murder " and don 't want Sam n ' Eric to know that Ralph and I were at least somewhat involved in the creepy dance . I can hear Jack beginning acting ever more like a cruel dictator to his group members , having one of the boys tied up and beaten for angering him . Im kind of curious as to how the rest of the group members from Jack 's group are dealing with the fact that they killed a friend . I wonder if its something that Jack can truly shove off . Back at our camp , we decide to let the fire die for the night rather than collect more wood in the dark . Thats when it happens . The worse thing that has happened to me on this island so far . Jack realized he needed fire , so in the middle of the night , he attacked our group while we were about to sleep , and stole my glasses , and left us there in the cold , bruised and hungry . Things are getting so much worse , so much faster than I thought . I just want to go home . . . Thats all I want now . I am starting to see that even the older kids who we though were loyal to Ralph , are starting to drift towards Jack , because of the meat and meal he has . In the end Ralph and I join the feast , and Jack allows it . After it , there is this strange dance , and Ralph and I , out of respect , follow along the outer rings of this strange ritual . Thats when a body comes breaking out of the forest , and in fear , the boys begin stabbing it and stabbing it . Only after it was dead had they realized what they had done . They had killed Simon . They thought he was the beast , and killed him without hesitation . The whole time , I could only watch in horror , imagining them turning on me and killing me . It was a scary thing to think about , and I was truly petrified . We did not even give him a proper burial , nor was there any word of apology muttered . They just left his body , to be carried out by the tides . Im starting to realize just how brutal things are about to get . What if they decide to just kill ? Jack already has a lot of people . Im scared , and Ralph is losing his courage quickly too . I don 't know what to do . I hope I make it home . . . After everyone gets back , Jack and Ralph do not seem on good terms . They get into an argument , and Jack storms off on his own . To be honest , this was probably the best thing that has happened to me on this island so far . Simon suggests that we all go face whatever 's on the mountain , but no one wants to go . Me , just glad that Jack is gone , suggests that we build a signal fire on the beach so that we won 't have to go up the mountain . Everyone quickly springs to this idea , and I kind of felt proud to call it my own . While everyone gathers wood , some of the bigger kids sneak away to join Jack on his hunt . I also don 't see Simon , but i 'm assuming he is just going to his spot in the woods to calm down . I start the fire with my glasses ( it helps make me feel useful ) . Then , Jack comes back with another successful hunt , attacking and killing a nursing sow and then impaling her head on a stick as an offering to the beast , coincidentally in full view of the spot where Simon sits concealed . Simon hallucinates , thinking that the head is talking to him , until he loses consciousness . To get fire for a pig roast , Jack steals some of our burning fire branches from the beach fire and invites our group to the feast in an attempt to get us to join his tribe . Ralph tries to rally our group to our side but loses his train of thought when he tries to remember the importance of being rescued , causing the other kids to doubt him . After the assembly is over , we all go to bed , leaving Sam n ' Eric to tend to the fire . That when we see them come running down , screaming , saying they saw the beast thing , they had seen it . I think its really starting to affect people . I don 't believe in the Beastie , but I think someone 's going to have to do something about theses superstitions , once and for all . At dawn , Ralph calls an assembly , where we decide to investigate the only spot on the island left unexplored . That would be the castle like rock formation at one end of the island . I had to remain on the beach with the little ones , while Ralph and the others go to the castle . I can see them walking away , but can do no more than watch them go , and begin to tend to the smaller kids needs . At this point in time , its getting kind of dark out , and I have to send the little ones off to bed . Im staying awake a bit longer to see if they might come back . I hope they are okay . I ope they do not find anything . Its not like I expect them to . But none the less , I hope everything is well . Ralph calls the assembly and reminds everyone of their agreement to maintain fresh water supplies , build some shelters , and keep the signal fire going . Thats when he opens up the assembly , for people to talk about whatever fears or worries are on their minds at the moment . While this is happening , it is steadily getting darker . Jack takes the conch ( after a little one said something about the beastie ) to point out that if such an animal were on the island , he would have seen it during his attempts to hunt pigs . When one of the small children comes forward , and says he say the Beastie by his tent , Simon says it was only him , going to the place he loved to be in the jungle . Somehow , one thing leads to another , and that leads to talk of ghosts , so Ralph holds a vote to see who is afraid ghosts . This vote was so extremely stupid , I couldn 't help but speaking up , and saying that all their fears were irrational . Luckily , I wasn 't the only one who thought so . Jack agreed with me . Which is probably the only time we have ever seen eye to eye . But because of the agreement in our disagreement , Jack aggressively disputes Ralph 's authority and leads the boys onto the beach in a sort of tribal dance . I stay on the platform , and Simon and I urge Ralph to summon everyone back to the platform . But Ralph doesn 't want to do this , letting this one thing get to him , and his confidence wavers . Suddenly , the three of us are startled by an unearthly wail as Percival wakes up to find himself alone in the dark . So we pick Percival up , and carry him back to his tent . Jack gathers up all the hunters to tell them his new hunting strategy : using colored clay and charcoal to mask their faces from being seen . Jack commands all his hunters , including Sam n ' Eric , who are currently in charge of the fire duty at the time , to join in a hunt . Ralph and I spot a ship in the distance and we are confident that the ship will she us and spot our smoke signal . But , what we did not know , was that the fire had gone out , being left to die in its own smoke . When Simon points out and tell us that there is no smoke , Simon and Ralph and I hurry up to the mountain to see the reason for this . By the time all three of us have reached the dead fire , the ship is gone , and with it , some hope of being rescued . Thats when Jack and his hunters come in , marching up to the dead fire , with the body of a dead pig . Jack and Ralph start yelling at each other about the death of the fire , and how they let it die for the sake of the hunt . Jack kind of apologizes but Ralph is still angry with him . The uneasy environment eases up somewhat as we eat the roasted pig . the hunters explain the story of how they caught it , and kind of re - enact how it happened . In response to this almost scary performance , Ralph announces an assembly on the platform immediately . Jack , alone on a pig hunt , attempts to catch a pig , in order to make up for his inability to kill one before . Of course , he is unable to do so , and frustrated that his day 's hunt has ended yet again without a kill , I see him run from the jungle , to the place where Ralph and Simon are working on building shelters . I see that Ralph is expressing his frustration , That all the boys said they would help build shelters , only Simon actually is here with him , helping him with the shelters . All the other boys are off playing , bathing , or hunting with Jack , even though Jack and his hunters have no been able to catch a pig for meat and food . Ralph yells at them , trying to explain the need for sturdy shelters , while Jack insists that he and the other boys need meat . I can start seeing several differences in the leadership values , buts its nothing I , Piggy , can do . The yelling makes both boys uncomfortable and none of them really know how to act to this . All I can think about is that I can start seeing things slowly drifting apart . People are starting to separate , or become too carefree of the fact that we are in fact stranded on an island , and we don 't have the time to be playing around , but we need to be looking for ways to get ourselves rescued . People are already acting like we have to stay here forever . We need to change the way we are thinking , or we may never get out . . . . At the meeting it was decided that there would be a rule involving speaking and the conch . Only the boy holding the conch can speak , and only Ralph can interrupt the one who holds the conch . After that , a process for order is established . After that , I take the conch so I can make the point that no one knows our location , meaning that we may be on the island for a long time . After this , the group of the littlest boys push a small kid forward to describe the " beastie " he saw in the woods the night before . People just shrug it off as the kids over reactive imagination . Ralph offers reassurance that they will definitely be rescued , mentioning that they 'll need a signal fire to attract passing ships and planes . At the word fire , Jack immediately takes over the group , leading a charge up the mountain to start a fire . Ralph attempts to maintain order , but everyone rushes after Jack , so Ralph follows , too . I end up following last , angry at the behavior of my peers . On the mountain , we find a huge patch of dead wood and start a fire , using my glasses . A huge bonfire that quickly burns itself out is what happens when the fire is lit . Jack volunteers his hunters to maintain a signal fire . Suddenly , in the midst of a complaint that no one will let me talk , I see that we 've started a forest fire . I yell at the other boys for their lack of common sense in not first building places were we can sleep , for the nights here are not going ot be the easiest . But people do not listen to me too much . I further scold them for causing not only the waste of fire wood that could have been used , but also the possible death of some of the little ones , down hill , since some of them had been playing in the area that was over taken by the rapidly moving fire . Then Ralph has the nerve to blame me . Really ! Me ! He said it was my fault for not keeping track of the children in the first place . I can 't believe this . My name is . . . . My nickname is Piggy . I wear glasses , and have bad asthma that stops me from doing a lot of the things I love . My life was normal . Until the day the plane crashed . I woke up in some sand by some forest . I saw a boy , who looked like he was only slightly older than me . I came over to him , and told him who I was . The name Piggy stuck . I told him he could use it , just that I wouldn 't enjoy is he told everyone about it . He decided to go swimming , but I decided against it , again on account of my asthma . While he was swimming , I saw a conch shell . I told Ralph ( That was the older boys name ) to grab it , and bring it up . I remember a child next door to me use to have a conch shell , and he pain ever so much for it . Then I remembered something useful . He blew in the conch and made a beautiful sound . After a few minutes of explaining , Ralph was finally able to do the same thing that the boy back home could . He could make it sound so loud and beautiful . Thats when , out of the forest , more boys came out at the sound of the conch . After a few minutes we had a gathering of quite a bit of people . Some were small children , covered in a mess of sticky fruit , and others were slightly younger then Ralph . But it did seem that Ralph was the oldest . Thats when a boy , and his choir , came . The boy in the front identified himself as Merridrew . Ralph called him Jack . At first , he kept a very pompous attitude , until one of his members collapsed , and everyone split up and began meshing with the group . Little groups start forming . Theres the group of the little ones , then the group of slightly bigger boys , and after that there are people who are looked at as leaders , Ralph , Jack , Simon , And I . Ralph assembles the boys to discuss their situation and vote on a chief . Ralph is voted chief . Ralph suggests that Jack remain in charge of the choirboys , making them hunters . Jack 's anger is slightly dulled by having authority of the choir boys . As the assembled boys identify themselves , Ralph reveals my nickname before I can establish my rePosted by

As I lay on the rocks below , waiting for death to greet me , I see a naval ship , and smile . Maybe , just maybe it can pick up Ralph . Maybe . . . Just Maybe . . . And then my world finally goes dark . . and I leave this hellish island . Im done being bullied . Im done being used . I called a meeting so that we could decide that we needed to get my glasses back . Jack had stolen them from me . Stolen what I needed for survival . When we find Jack 's tribe , they are completely hostile towards us , and want nothing to do with any source of reasoning . They have become complete savages , no longer knowing the difference between right and wrong . I ask for my glasses back , but then jack comes out , telling us to go back to our side of the island , Thats where Ralph steps in and demands the glasses back . Ralph and Jack fight with spears for a little , and then I remind him what we were here for . The glasses . He understands . Thats when the savages grab Sam n ' Eric , tie them up , and Jack and Ralph get into a fist fight . I 've had it . I can take this damned island anymore . I scream at the boys , telling them to look at what savages they have become . Thats when , I look up quick enough , to see my own death . I don 't feel myself hit the rocks below . I Can 't feel anything anymore . The next morning , I see that our group now consist of Ralph , Sam n ' Eric , Me and some little ones are all that remain in his camp . Ralph points out to me that we just murdered Simon . As if I didn 't already know the sins we have committed . . . So I object to the use of the term " murder " and don 't want Sam n ' Eric to know that Ralph and I were at least somewhat involved in the creepy dance . I can hear Jack beginning acting ever more like a cruel dictator to his group members , having one of the boys tied up and beaten for angering him . Im kind of curious as to how the rest of the group members from Jack 's group are dealing with the fact that they killed a friend . I wonder if its something that Jack can truly shove off . Back at our camp , we decide to let the fire die for the night rather than collect more wood in the dark . Thats when it happens . The worse thing that has happened to me on this island so far . Jack realized he needed fire , so in the middle of the night , he attacked our group while we were about to sleep , and stole my glasses , and left us there in the cold , bruised and hungry . Things are getting so much worse , so much faster than I thought . I just want to go home . . . Thats all I want now . I am starting to see that even the older kids who we though were loyal to Ralph , are starting to drift towards Jack , because of the meat and meal he has . In the end Ralph and I join the feast , and Jack allows it . After it , there is this strange dance , and Ralph and I , out of respect , follow along the outer rings of this strange ritual . Thats when a body comes breaking out of the forest , and in fear , the boys begin stabbing it and stabbing it . Only after it was dead had they realized what they had done . They had killed Simon . They thought he was the beast , and killed him without hesitation . The whole time , I could only watch in horror , imagining them turning on me and killing me . It was a scary thing to think about , and I was truly petrified . We did not even give him a proper burial , nor was there any word of apology muttered . They just left his body , to be carried out by the tides . Im starting to realize just how brutal things are about to get . What if they decide to just kill ? Jack already has a lot of people . Im scared , and Ralph is losing his courage quickly too . I don 't know what to do . I hope I make it home . . . After everyone gets back , Jack and Ralph do not seem on good terms . They get into an argument , and Jack storms off on his own . To be honest , this was probably the best thing that has happened to me on this island so far . Simon suggests that we all go face whatever 's on the mountain , but no one wants to go . Me , just glad that Jack is gone , suggests that we build a signal fire on the beach so that we won 't have to go up the mountain . Everyone quickly springs to this idea , and I kind of felt proud to call it my own . While everyone gathers wood , some of the bigger kids sneak away to join Jack on his hunt . I also don 't see Simon , but i 'm assuming he is just going to his spot in the woods to calm down . I start the fire with my glasses ( it helps make me feel useful ) . Then , Jack comes back with another successful hunt , attacking and killing a nursing sow and then impaling her head on a stick as an offering to the beast , coincidentally in full view of the spot where Simon sits concealed . Simon hallucinates , thinking that the head is talking to him , until he loses consciousness . To get fire for a pig roast , Jack steals some of our burning fire branches from the beach fire and invites our group to the feast in an attempt to get us to join his tribe . Ralph tries to rally our group to our side but loses his train of thought when he tries to remember the importance of being rescued , causing the other kids to doubt him . After the assembly is over , we all go to bed , leaving Sam n ' Eric to tend to the fire . That when we see them come running down , screaming , saying they saw the beast thing , they had seen it . I think its really starting to affect people . I don 't believe in the Beastie , but I think someone 's going to have to do something about theses superstitions , once and for all . At dawn , Ralph calls an assembly , where we decide to investigate the only spot on the island left unexplored . That would be the castle like rock formation at one end of the island . I had to remain on the beach with the little ones , while Ralph and the others go to the castle . I can see them walking away , but can do no more than watch them go , and begin to tend to the smaller kids needs . At this point in time , its getting kind of dark out , and I have to send the little ones off to bed . Im staying awake a bit longer to see if they might come back . I hope they are okay . I ope they do not find anything . Its not like I expect them to . But none the less , I hope everything is well . Ralph calls the assembly and reminds everyone of their agreement to maintain fresh water supplies , build some shelters , and keep the signal fire going . Thats when he opens up the assembly , for people to talk about whatever fears or worries are on their minds at the moment . While this is happening , it is steadily getting darker . Jack takes the conch ( after a little one said something about the beastie ) to point out that if such an animal were on the island , he would have seen it during his attempts to hunt pigs . When one of the small children comes forward , and says he say the Beastie by his tent , Simon says it was only him , going to the place he loved to be in the jungle . Somehow , one thing leads to another , and that leads to talk of ghosts , so Ralph holds a vote to see who is afraid ghosts . This vote was so extremely stupid , I couldn 't help but speaking up , and saying that all their fears were irrational . Luckily , I wasn 't the only one who thought so . Jack agreed with me . Which is probably the only time we have ever seen eye to eye . But because of the agreement in our disagreement , Jack aggressively disputes Ralph 's authority and leads the boys onto the beach in a sort of tribal dance . I stay on the platform , and Simon and I urge Ralph to summon everyone back to the platform . But Ralph doesn 't want to do this , letting this one thing get to him , and his confidence wavers . Suddenly , the three of us are startled by an unearthly wail as Percival wakes up to find himself alone in the dark . So we pick Percival up , and carry him back to his tent . Jack gathers up all the hunters to tell them his new hunting strategy : using colored clay and charcoal to mask their faces from being seen . Jack commands all his hunters , including Sam n ' Eric , who are currently in charge of the fire duty at the time , to join in a hunt . Ralph and I spot a ship in the distance and we are confident that the ship will she us and spot our smoke signal . But , what we did not know , was that the fire had gone out , being left to die in its own smoke . When Simon points out and tell us that there is no smoke , Simon and Ralph and I hurry up to the mountain to see the reason for this . By the time all three of us have reached the dead fire , the ship is gone , and with it , some hope of being rescued . Thats when Jack and his hunters come in , marching up to the dead fire , with the body of a dead pig . Jack and Ralph start yelling at each other about the death of the fire , and how they let it die for the sake of the hunt . Jack kind of apologizes but Ralph is still angry with him . The uneasy environment eases up somewhat as we eat the roasted pig . the hunters explain the story of how they caught it , and kind of re - enact how it happened . In response to this almost scary performance , Ralph announces an assembly on the platform immediately . Jack , alone on a pig hunt , attempts to catch a pig , in order to make up for his inability to kill one before . Of course , he is unable to do so , and frustrated that his day 's hunt has ended yet again without a kill , I see him run from the jungle , to the place where Ralph and Simon are working on building shelters . I see that Ralph is expressing his frustration , That all the boys said they would help build shelters , only Simon actually is here with him , helping him with the shelters . All the other boys are off playing , bathing , or hunting with Jack , even though Jack and his hunters have no been able to catch a pig for meat and food . Ralph yells at them , trying to explain the need for sturdy shelters , while Jack insists that he and the other boys need meat . I can start seeing several differences in the leadership values , buts its nothing I , Piggy , can do . The yelling makes both boys uncomfortable and none of them really know how to act to this . All I can think about is that I can start seeing things slowly drifting apart . People are starting to separate , or become too carefree of the fact that we are in fact stranded on an island , and we don 't have the time to be playing around , but we need to be looking for ways to get ourselves rescued . People are already acting like we have to stay here forever . We need to change the way we are thinking , or we may never get out . . . . At the meeting it was decided that there would be a rule involving speaking and the conch . Only the boy holding the conch can speak , and only Ralph can interrupt the one who holds the conch . After that , a process for order is established . After that , I take the conch so I can make the point that no one knows our location , meaning that we may be on the island for a long time . After this , the group of the littlest boys push a small kid forward to describe the " beastie " he saw in the woods the night before . People just shrug it off as the kids over reactive imagination . Ralph offers reassurance that they will definitely be rescued , mentioning that they 'll need a signal fire to attract passing ships and planes . At the word fire , Jack immediately takes over the group , leading a charge up the mountain to start a fire . Ralph attempts to maintain order , but everyone rushes after Jack , so Ralph follows , too . I end up following last , angry at the behavior of my peers . On the mountain , we find a huge patch of dead wood and start a fire , using my glasses . A huge bonfire that quickly burns itself out is what happens when the fire is lit . Jack volunteers his hunters to maintain a signal fire . Suddenly , in the midst of a complaint that no one will let me talk , I see that we 've started a forest fire . I yell at the other boys for their lack of common sense in not first building places were we can sleep , for the nights here are not going ot be the easiest . But people do not listen to me too much . I further scold them for causing not only the waste of fire wood that could have been used , but also the possible death of some of the little ones , down hill , since some of them had been playing in the area that was over taken by the rapidly moving fire . Then Ralph has the nerve to blame me . Really ! Me ! He said it was my fault for not keeping track of the children in the first place . I can 't believe this . My name is . . . . My nickname is Piggy . I wear glasses , and have bad asthma that stops me from doing a lot of the things I love . My life was normal . Until the day the plane crashed . I woke up in some sand by some forest . I saw a boy , who looked like he was only slightly older than me . I came over to him , and told him who I was . The name Piggy stuck . I told him he could use it , just that I wouldn 't enjoy is he told everyone about it . He decided to go swimming , but I decided against it , again on account of my asthma . While he was swimming , I saw a conch shell . I told Ralph ( That was the older boys name ) to grab it , and bring it up . I remember a child next door to me use to have a conch shell , and he pain ever so much for it . Then I remembered something useful . He blew in the conch and made a beautiful sound . After a few minutes of explaining , Ralph was finally able to do the same thing that the boy back home could . He could make it sound so loud and beautiful . Thats when , out of the forest , more boys came out at the sound of the conch . After a few minutes we had a gathering of quite a bit of people . Some were small children , covered in a mess of sticky fruit , and others were slightly younger then Ralph . But it did seem that Ralph was the oldest . Thats when a boy , and his choir , came . The boy in the front identified himself as Merridrew . Ralph called him Jack . At first , he kept a very pompous attitude , until one of his members collapsed , and everyone split up and began meshing with the group . Little groups start forming . Theres the group of the little ones , then the group of slightly bigger boys , and after that there are people who are looked at as leaders , Ralph , Jack , Simon , And I . Ralph assembles the boys to discuss their situation and vote on a chief . Ralph is voted chief . Ralph suggests that Jack remain in charge of the choirboys , making them hunters . Jack 's anger is slightly dulled by having authority of the choir boys . As the assembled boys identify themselves , Ralph reveals my nickname before I can establish my rePosted by

Getting a Kickstarter Campaign going . When I heard about Kickstarter . com , I thought it sounded cool , but I didn 't realize that I would ever use it . Once I went to the website and started exploring , though , I saw that Publishing is one of their categories . I got really excited , because I have a novel that I completed and that I had been planning to publish . My problem was that I didn 't know really how to publish , and I certainly knew that I didn 't have enough money to publish it . My original plan had been to go ahead and publish e - book versions , because that is very inexpensive , and then if I generated any money I was going to use the money to do a paper book launch . But … that would , I think , have deflated any excitement about the launch , and I 'm not sure that it would have had any chances at being reviewed by anyone . I still am not certain that it will ever be reviewed , but at least with Kickstarter , I will be able to launch all the platforms at the same time , and to me that seems better . Creating a project on Kickstarter is easy . The website is very user friendly and I had no problems navigating around to the different pages and no problems with putting in my content . I did get some help with the video , thanks to my good friend Josh Kortas , because for some reason the video I took of myself with my phone wasn 't that great . 😉 And you don 't have to do a video , although I believe your chances of getting funded are better if you do . Anyway , the whole site is easy to use , you can go back in and edit easily , there 's not problems with that . My thing is , it did take me a long time to do everything because there 's just a lot to say . There are the rewards to decide upon , and to word nicely … I went to a LOT of other novelist 's projects to see what they were doing for rewards , and I found that the rewards descriptions were sort of dull , so I went back in tried to make mine reflect my voice , rather than just listing what people would get . I don 't know how effective that will be , but I felt better aThe other parts just seemed to write themselves - pretty simple , really . Describe the project , tell what you will use the money for , and make up good rewards . It took me about a month to get it to where I like it , and I think that 's fine . Less time , and I think some parts would have felt unfinished . More time , and gosh , you can second guess yourself to death . I submitted my project , " Someotherville : A Novel " last night , and it should be approved soon * unless I did something wrong * and then I will launch it through the end of Sept ' 12 . I was thinking that I want more than just an online presence , so I made up a postcard with the cover art on one side and a blurb for the book and my cover artist , Katherine Clayton , who is participating in the LOLA art crawl event this weekend , is handing them out , and I am sending them to friends and acquaintances this week . Whew . Meanwhile , I have a full time job , which I should probably go to right now , so bye - thanks for reading ! Sheila If you want others to read this . . . Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Leave a comment July 14 , 2009 If you live in the Twin Cities , and you have an interest in theater , I hope that you are planning to go to the Fringe Festival . I am excited about it this year because I am volunteering for 9 shows , which means I 'm gonna get 9 free tickets to other shows . And I love seeing lots of theater , but usually I 'm too broke and or lethargic to get up and go . There was an event tonight featuring 30 of the companies , they had 3 minutes each to convince you to come see their show . I wish I could have gone , but I had a family obligation . If you want to see what 's coming up with the Fringe , check out their very informative website : http : / / www . fringefestival . org I 'll try . I don 't think my experience is typical - I have taught Drama in Florida , Drama and Reading in Chicago , Illinois , and Drama , Reading and English in Minnesota . I worked in large schools ( 2 , 000 kids or so ) for the first 6 years ; one year as a substitute . The past 4 years I have worked as the only English teacher in a very small school - with an average of 75 students . I think that if a student here knows about the different options , he would be able to find a school that suits him . Of course , that depends on where he lives , too . We have something called ' school choice ' here , which means that if a student doesn 't want to go to their neighborhood school , he can go to another school . Usually there is transportation for those students . A lot of people have widely differing opinions about school choice - some argue that it 's great because it helps students integrate racially and stay away from situations where a poor neighborhood has a correspondingly poor neighborhood school . Others claim it is a way for white parents to send their kids to less integrated schools . This is a very complicated and controversial topic that perhaps I will research and try to go into in more depth at a later date . Personally , I think school choice is good if it helps students voice their opinion about their neighborhood school . If the kids get a say ( with their parents ) about which school they will attend , it 's almost like a vote . Competition to be a better school and attract students seems to help ensure better schools for the kids . And that 's what it should all be about . There are some people who also think that we should be working to make sure that all high schools are offering the ' same ' education across the country . This is not happening . Each state has standards that their Board of Education writes up and publishes , but the standards are left to local interpretation . I think this is a double edged sword . I believe strongly in ' teacher autonomy ' - that a teacher should have the power to make decisions in the classroom for his or her students . But I wish there was some sort of a consensus , too , officially , about what might be ideal . Now maybe I 'm just belying my ignorance here , but I have never seen a national resource for curriculum that could be used at the high school level - at least not for Engish / Language Arts . Instead , it seems that I have worked to interpret the Minnesota standards on my own and implement them into a curriculum . This also leads to me repeating bits and pieces of what I was taught in high school and making up new curriculum myself . I 'm fine with doing that , but I would love to be able to check myself against a true standard . I think a lot of the problem with that is there are a lot of companies that want to write and sell curriculum . If the government put together a really good resource , I suppose they would be limiting free enterprise 's chances to make money . Again , I think that the needs of the students should be the most important . Well , I think I introduced some rough ideas about a lot of interrelated topics in this post . I will try to refine my thinking and continue to write on the topic . As always , I would love to see this turn into a discussion so if you have any comments or questions , please be sure to post them . Sheila 8 / 30 - NaBloPoMo - Emotional Vertigo I have been a do - gooder all my life . Always wanting the best , the ideal . Not materially , but spiritually . I revel in good deeds , in participating in a successful endeavor that will do no less than change the world . The next right thing is my mantra . Joy is being useful , helping people . I want to do good and seek out the good in others . I want to be the first to catch a glimpse see it , coerce it out if it 's latent . Maybe this is why I am a teacher . Lately , I have been experiencing something strange - a confusion , a dizzying mental drag causing me to sway in my belief in humankind . It 's as debilitating as the vertigo I used to occasionally suffer , but again , it 's spiritual and emotional . A doctor once explained vertigo to me as a brain 's confusion between reality and its perception of reality . If the muscles in my neck are too tense and a breeze caresses them in just the right way , my brain will believe that I am falling although I am simply standing or sitting . Emotional vertigo , I posit , is the confusion in my brain that arises when my ideals are brushed by even the lightest hushed wind of a disappointing human reality . When my expectations of something or someone I 've idealized are met with non - ideal reality , my emotions swoon inside . My elbows tingle , I mix up words as I try to speak , I weep without direct cause . The cure for physical vertigo that has worked for me is to stretch my neck and to ice those muscles . I am still seeking the cure for ' emotigo ' - I know that the disillusionment will not last . Reality may not be ideal , but it 's not bad either - somehow to stretch my mental muscles and reset back to reality . Perhaps vacation will do the trick . 2 / 30 - NaBloPoMo09 What is it about writing that is so gratifying and so frightening at the same time ? I have been keeping a journal - off and on - since I was about 20 . Alot of my early independent writing was done when I was in high school , in the form of notes that I never passed on to my friends . I still have a pile of them , and they clearly reveal that I was a teenager in the 1980 's . ' Like , gag me with a spoon . ' ( shudder . ) When I was 20 , maybe it was on my birthday , I went to CityCenter with a guy friend who later was my boyfriend for two days before we realized that we were not really interested in each other . We are still friends , though , through chance meet ups around town and the occasional facebook note . Cyber friends , I guess . The journal I bought was bright yellow and blue with repeating prints of an Andy Warhol rendition of cows . I especially loved that it was unlined . I filled that journal up completely . Since then , I have probably started 10 or 12 other journals , and brought them to varying degrees of completion . I find it interesting how much I have changed in the time since the first journal . Of course it has been 18 years , but it 's a lot of change , to my way of thinking . I 'm not sure that Mortified has the capacity to convey just how shy , trembly , sick I felt if I knew someone 's eyes were scanning my very own words . I hated it , but of course like any good passion , there was an equally strong flip side . I desired intensely for people to have read what I had written and to receive the praise I would demurely say that I didn 't deserve . Hence , despite wanting to crawl into the nearest hole while ' being read ' , I have shared my writing . I wrote a few little poems for an improv show I was in during high school - I am forever thankful to my improv troupe for their reactions . Let me set the scene for you : We knew that we wanted to do a sketch about people in authority taking advantage of their positions - even the smallest amount of authority seems to go to some people 's heads . I was up late one night writing , and I decided to try writing something for that sketch . I wrote a series of short poems from different points of view - a judge , a crossing guard , scout leader … . I don 't remember the details , really . What I do remember is bringing in my poems and telling the other cast members that I had written something , but I didn 't want to read it . They said I must . Since I didn 't want everyone to hear , we went into the girls dressing room , they kicked out some non cast member who was in there , and they all encouraged me to read the poems aloud . I did . I remember that I felt my voice was not even audible , but they heard me , and then they used the poems in the show . I think that 's when I started to realize that not only did I like writing , but that writing has a power . There is something about the written word . There are other forms of communication - speaking , music , video , plays and so on , but the written word , besides being essential to many other forms of communication , stands alone . Even while everyone decries the internet and advancements in technology , it seems to me that what a lot of the internet consists of is people reading and writing . Different forms - not a printed book , but reading and writing none the less . I mean , here I am blogging my little heart out , and here you are reading it , so what does that tell you ? I think the fear of writing comes from an essential fear of being oneself and being rejected . And once words are down on a page and released into the world , you really can 't take them back . You can apoligize , you can claim that something was a typo , but it 's still out there . And in writing . A solid piece of evidence about how you felt or thought at a particular moment in time . For most situations , there should really be no fear - how you felt about this or that is probably inconsequential . But once in a while it 's important , and you have to have the sense to know when that is . There is only one sentence I have ever written and sent out to someone that I truly regret . It was when I was in Mexico , thoretically studying Spanish . I received a call from a friend of mine , and she was insensed because of something my ex - boyfriend had said . I do not have any memory of what made her upset , but at the time it made me upset , too . I was so angry about whatever his offense had been , that I wrote him a post card . All I said on it was , " You are such a f * * * * * * pessimist . " And I sent it . I 'm blushing right now at the memory of that . How very wrong . What a rotten thing to get in the mail . And he really was a nice person - he didn 't deserve that . But it also illustrates the power of words . I think it 's just that power that makes writing both gratifying and frightening . I , for one , am going to keep on writing , even if it scares the hell out of me . To start off , I have seen three recent movies without talking about any of them . They don 't flow naturally together at all , none the less , I shall discuss each of them in this blog as if they do . Hope that works for you . I think I will start with my favorite , which was Away We Go . I laughed a lot . At one point , I laughed so hard I thought I might have an asthma attack . I cried a little too . Lots of events happen in this movie , but what I liked the best was that they addressed a lot of different women 's experiences with fertility / infertility . Some of it was just funny , like over the top touchy - feely parenting , but I felt that they balanced that well with more serious situations . It 's been very difficult for me to articulate why , not being able to have children * myself , I don 't go out and adopt . I can 't exactly say why , but it doesn 't feel right to me yet . Maybe I 'm still in mourning - but I know I 'm not ready to adopt right now . In the movie , I feel like the couple from Montreal ( don 't worry , I 'm not ruining the movie for you here ) showed exactly why I am hesitant - I am afraid I would feel how they feel . Ok , spoiler alert , I guess , because I 'd like to talk about it in more detail . Anyway , I liked that part of the movie because it 's not a feeling that is talked about - the feeling that no matter how much you try to fill the hole that is left by not having children , nothing will . You have to live with the hole . And if you adopt , that 's great , and they are your children fully and completely , but the reality is that if you had wanted a biological child , an adoption is not a replacement of that lost possibility . It 's probably not fair to the adoptive child to have a parent who is still longing so deeply for a biological child , and that 's why I 'm not ready to adopt yet . I am still in mourning . I don 't know how long it will take . It 's definitely better than it used to be - I no longer weep about it on a monthly basis , but the pain and loss is still there . Seeing someone portrayed in a movie who went ahead and adopted several to ' make a family out of whatever we can , ' and seeing the possible cracks in that goes a little way toward helping me understand myself , which I appreciate in a movie . I also liked that the main couple reminded me of myself and my husband in that they are so in love . And like that couple , we laugh a lot . And when someone 's grumpy , it 's usually me . 🙂 They have little jokes , they are disappointed by the same things , and so on . I loved them as a couple , and I love us as a couple . The second movie that we saw recently was The Proposal . I don 't have that much to say - it was entertaining and cute , but it 's obvious that compared to Away We Go , the director didn 't seem as confident in the audience being able to grasp the events and interpret them - this is especially evident in the last scene where what 's his name says some mushy - gushy stuff , and the director cuts to shots of random office workers making doe eyes or covering their mouths in surprise . It was so effin ' silly . But other than that , the movie was fine , and was enjoyable two times , so far . The final movie we have seen recently is Transformers II , or whatever the hell it 's called , which was pathetic . I was the one who wanted to see it - and I was sorry about 10 minutes in . The cars transforming was neat , but there was no plot to speak of . Well , there was a plot . It was a very young and oddly mismatched couple competing to be the last one to say ' I love you ' to the other . Meanwhile , aliens attack the world , yadda yadda , the girl says it first because she thinks the boy has died , and only then he can say it back . Plus shitloads of chase scenes , and some very racially stereotyped robot characters , and a couple of near crotch shots of a couple pretty girls . I think that sums up the movie , actually . So so very bad . And they 'll make a million bucks each . Oh well . Hollywood , right ? If you only have the chance to see one of these movies , it had better be Away We Go , or you are a fool . We 'll try not to judge , but why don 't you make it easier by just seeing it . It 's worth your time . * without going medically further than I want to , that is , Please don 't email me and tell me " there 's always something they can do " - it 's not them , it 's me . 🙂 Plaintive smile . - thanks , Sheila Wondering where to go with my novel . I just got some good feedback from a good friend of mine about Someotherville , and I now feel fairly confused . I was really surprised by her feedback - she loved the parts about Joan , didn 't like the story within a story at all . But now I am second guessing whether I could go back in and change the story within a story to either have more details about the secondary characters * which I should do because I do go on about how secondary characters are pivotal , and we often end up caring about them more than the main characters * or whether it was a poor choice for the story within a story , since it 's so weak - I mean , who really cares about a spy story ? Cold war stuff is completely played out - when it was the 39 steps or whatever , it was fresh because people didn 't know what was happening or why . Now it really is a stereotype , a stock story . Alias … dollhouse … and those are just recent examples . There 's only a certain kind of friend that can tell you that something you wrote is gimmicky . But now that it 's said , I guess it is a little . It was a quick fix for a long term problem , and it shows . So not to be too mean to myself - that 's not what I 'm trying to do - but I 'm trying to convince myself that i do need to dive back into this pool - it can be better . Arwin , Cece and Katrina need to have more substance before they will ever seem real to people . I am heartened by the fact that someone thought Arwin seemed real . That makes me happy . Now I need to tend to the rest of them . Maybe it 's a matter of pride , I really had thought I finished a book in a month , with only needing minor rewrites . Now if I go back in and make major changes , that is no longer the case . Yeah . Pride is foolish . Do I want this to be something that is read and cast aside as being mostly really good , or do I want it to be better than that ? Obvious answer . So now I know the task ahead of me - I don 't know how I 'm going to do it - or whether I should do it - funny … I just had a moment of feeling exactly how Joan felt - she didn 't know if she should write her project either , but she felt compelled . And I feel compelled . So there you have it . The adventure begins again . Something I was thinking when I woke up this morning was that metaphors can so often only be explained through the employment of another metaphor . As I was considering this , I thought of several metaphors which would illustrate what I mean . This made me laugh . Laughing reminded me of my yoga practice yesterday with my amazing yoga teacher , Leslie . We were doing what we always do , but what I do not feel I understand . We were contemplating awareness . I had a revelation as we were practicing . It was like two bars that are supposed to line up end to end were slightly ajar , and they suddenly , but gently slid into place . I shifted a bit . Leslie said something about awareness , noticing awareness , I think , and I realized that what she 's talking about has been right in front of me the whole time . And I can clearly remember myraid times when I have experienced exactly what I experienced in the studio , was aware of my experience , and just didn 't have a name for it . It feels strange , like seeing a word that I never knew or understood and then suddenly I can read it and know its meaning . Anyway , I am trying to carry that awareness further into my ' regular life . ' Ha ha . I just realized the absurdity of writing that . But at least I entertain myself . Of course yoga is part of my regular life - it 's not special , it 's part of the fabric of what I 'm doing here . I find that I can apply principals that we use with our physical bodies to my mental state . But the key is awareness . How is it possible that we are awake so much of the time , and yet unaware ? And being unaware is kind of neutral but kind of miserable . One decent vegan meal to make Hi . I just improvised myself the best meal I 've had in a while , so I thought I 'd pause between bites and write down the recipe for all the world to enjoy . Ha ha . But at least I will know where the recipe is . So I was making some lomein noodles , which I have never made before . I followed the directions for one serving - easy enough , boil for about 8 minutes then rinse in cold water . I did that , put it in a bowl , splashed on some liquid aminos , ( healthy soy sauce ) and started to eat . Let 's say it wasn 't exactly tasty . Good enough if I was really in a rush or really lazy , but that wasn 't the case today , thankfully . I had just been looking through a vegan cookbook earlier and saw notes I had taken on how to make pad thai or pad see yew a few years ago . My notes are really poor - in pencil , jottings , really … somewhat suspect . When I saw that I had written down ' 4 cups of soy sauce ' i realized I 'd better not follow along word for word . But my notes did point me in the right direction . I put some , maybe 2 tbsp , grapeseed oil in my frying pan , sliced 2 cloves of garlic - I like nice thick slices , like 1 / 8 inch or a little more , just so I can see the garlic in my food . I think it looks nice . So I sauteed the garlic , threw in a rock solid hunk of brown sugar , probably 1 or maybe 2 tbsp . , then I did something fairly dumb , * don 't do this - it 's an example of being dumb * I poured vinegar right into the very hot oil - it splattered all over and I almost started a fire . I pulled the pan off the stove and watched to make sure that I didn 't need my fire extinguisher , wiped off the bottom of the pan , and threw in the cold lomein noodles . When I replaced the pan , it was fine . Then I put in some more vinegar , probably 2 tbsp . and some ketchup , another 2 tbsp . It sounds gross , but it worked . Then I put in some liquid ginger from the ginger people , probably 1 tbsp . , 2 more tbsp of liquid aminos , and stirred . At this point , it smelled wonderful . I 'm sure I could have stopped there and been fine , but being a vegan I 'm always being told to make sure I get my protein . So I opened a package of firm tofu , drained off the liquid , and chopped it up a bit and threw it in . There wasn 't much liquid left , so I added more vinegar , Braggs aminos , and a splash more ketsup . Stirred it around for a bit , but I wanted something green in there . All I had was broccoli , which I 'm tired of , a green pepper , which I 'm saving for roasted vegetables later , and some mescaline mix . I didn 't know how it would taste , but I thought what the hell , I 'm experimenting . I threw in about 5 handsful of the mescaline mix . Waited until it was shrively and all the liquid was cooked off , and put it in a bowl . I wished I had peanuts , but we don 't buy them that often . There were about 1 / 4 c of walnuts left in the cupboard , though , so I crushed them a little bit and threw them in . Viola . Yum . In the end , there was too much tofu , about 1 / 2 a package would have sufficed . Live and learn . Luckily we have cold storage . Good luck if you decide to make this - remember , don 't throw the vinegar into the hot oil . Sheila WordPress . com Top Posts S & J Double Blind Movie Review . The Man from U . N . C . L . E . August 13 , 2015 Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this :

So I made it safely to Ohio last Saturday , and I have had a blast so far . I am thoroughly exhausted . There was a beautiful sermon on Sunday by Pastor Mike Waters on what parents should teach their children . We went on a walk in the lighted park last night . It was super super cold ! ! ! I saw some people whom I haven 't in awhile , and I got some really good poems down . : ) Hey , everyone ! I can 't believe it 's almost Christmas ! This year went past so fast ! It was Summer a couple days ago , I swear ! So this Friday , I am having a party . I don 't remember if I mentioned it before . It is going to be a Christmas Masquerade . I am pretty hyped . On Christmas Eve , my family always eats crackers and cheese and that type thing , and watches movies until late . Then , on Christmas , we go to my grandma 's house and basically eat all day long , while the men watch either football or golf depending on which is playing at the time . We exchange gifts have a great time overall . I am going to Ohio in exactly 11 days to see my best friend ever , Hannah . We are going to go shopping , and skating , and we are going to a big party on New Years . I am super super excited . I can 't wait to see her . We always have so much fun , and I laugh more in the days that I am there than I do the rest of the year . I don 't have to worry about work , or church , or teaching , I can just relax and eat . I don 't get a whole lot of time to read or write which kind of sucks , seeing as I love both , but we always stay up late , and watch movies , and laugh , and - of course - drive the parents absolutely nuts late into the night . I just can 't wait to see her . On a totally random subject , I recently discovered this A Capella band called Eclipse 6 , and I have to say , I . Am . In . Love . They are amazing . " If there are words for Him then I don 't have them . You see , my brain has not yet reached the point where it could form a thought that could adequately describe the greatness of my God , and my lungs have not yet developed the ability to release a breath with enough agility to breathe out the greatness of his love , and my voice , you see , my voice , is so inhibited , restrained by human limits that it 's hard to even sing the praise of … You see … if there are words for Him then I don 't have them . My God , His grace is remarkable , mercies are enumerable , strength is impenetrable , He is honorable , accountable , favorable , He is unsearchable yet knowable , indefinable yet approachable , indescribable yet personal , He is beyond comprehension , further than imagination , constant through generations , king of every nation . But if there are words for Him then I don 't have them . You see , my words are few , and to try to capture the one true God , using my vocabulary will never do , but I use words as an expression , an expression of worship to a savior , a savior who is both worthy and deserving of my praise , so I use words . My heart extols the Lord , blesses his name forever , He has won my heart captured my mind and has bound them both together , He has defeated me in my rebellion , conquered me in my sin , He has welcomed me into his presence , completely invited me in . He has made himself the object of my sight , flooding me with mercies in the morning , drowning me with grace in the night . But if there are words for Him then I don 't have them . But what I do have is good news , for my God knew that manmade words would never do , for words are just tools that we use to point to the truth , so He sent His son Jesus Christ as " The Word " , living proof , He is the image of the invisible God , the first born of all creation , for by Him all things are created , giving nothingness formation , and by His words he sustains , in the power of His name , for He is before all things and over all things he reigns , holy is his name , so praise him fHe is everything that was promised , praise Him as your risen king , lift your voice and sing for one day he will return for us and we will finally be united with our savior for eternity , eternity . So it 's not just words that I proclaim , for my words point to " The Word " and " The Word " has a name , hope has a name , joy has a name , peace has a name , love has a name and that name is Jesus Christ . Praise his name forever ! " You guys need to watch this . It is beautiful . It starts with a song by Keri Jobe , and then ends with the little speech above . The link is below . Part . . . 8 I think of Sniper . I am getting into it again . Haha I am excited for the next scene . Can 't wait to finally resolve everything . There will probably be only a couple more parts to Sniper . Then I will have to find something else to write . I can honestly say that I haven 't had this much fun writing in a long time . Thanks to all of you who keep coming back for more . You make this worth the work . I may never publish a book , and I may never meet any of you , but if no one ever sees these , I know that you guys have . One - Thousand , Two - Hundred people have seen my stories , and that 's enough for me . Thank you , thank you , thank you . Over and over Anabelle cried out Alex 's name , hoping he had escaped so he could save her again . Guilt poured into her like a waterfall . He had already saved her several times over ; by no means was he obligated to do it again . He kept coming back . She couldn 't shake his voice from her head . Her words quaked when she spoke . " Let me die . " she rasped . Even speaking sent showers of pain cascading over her body . She knew the dreams would come soon . She could see them in the corners of her eyes , the breath that shallowly emerged from her rising chest . She heard them in the rasp of her voice and in the creak of the door as it opened and closed . Despite the panicked thoughts that streaked through her mind , one kept materializing . She had to escape . She had to live . When her mother had died , her father had drowned in drink . He never really came back up . She had to survive . Her death would be the end of her father . She couldn 't leave him like that . Memories zipped through her mind : her father stumbling into the house after a night of drinking , her mother lying pale and dead on the bed that had once been white - now covered in red blood . And Alex . She had to help him . She had to find Alex . Pain erupted from her throat in a scream . With everything she had , she threw her arms up and dug her nails into the restraints . A crack snapped through her ears and the pain grew into something worse than she had ever felt . She stumbled from the bed . The lock turned . she struggled behind the door , gripping the wall to steady herself . The door opened , concealing her , and as the figure entered , she slammed the door . The man cried out as the structure slammed into his unprotected temple . Cradling his punctured skull , he turned on her . Anabelle quickly swiveled out the exit , shutting the man in . He yelled incomprehensibly and banged on the metal separating them . The boat rumbled underneath Alex 's pained feet , causing him to shift uncomfortably from side to side . His heard thrummed in his chest . Anabelle was close and he knew exactly where she was . Blüd Enterprise . The old building where all this started . James had wanted to come , but his legs were getting worse , and there was no way he could have come with them without slowing them down . No , this was something he had to do alone . Unaided . Water splashed up into his face . Alex sighed with pleasure as the drops cooled his fevered face . The air that rushed into him blew his face back from his eyes , giving him a heroic look that he didn 't feel . An hour later , he arrived . Stepping onto the land , he gazed up at the once - glorious construct . Gloomy boards covered the shattered glass windows , nails protruding from the ends . He closed his eyes , preparing himself for the rescue . He went over his plan : Get Anabelle , get Simon , get out . Alrighty ! ! ! So after a really long reprise , here is the next part of Sniper ! ! ! I finally finished it . Not the whole story , just the next part . Thanks tons for bearing with me ! ! ! I need a break sometimes . I will try and get some more up in the coming week . Hopefully soon I can end it , and move on to other things . She sat in the dark , warm blackness washing over her , and then cold . As though she had been sleeping on a winter day , and someone had suddenly pulled the blankets off . She pulled her knees to her chest , and then spread her arms and legs realizing that she was flying . She crashed into the steel floor of a hospital . A child 's laugh echoed off the walls , plunging Anabelle into shivers . Her blue - tinged view of the place blurred the edges of her vision , causing her to use the wall as a hand - hold . When she felt something wet slip over her feet , she jumped and her eyes flew to her feet . " Barefoot , " she said , " Why am I barefoot ? " Blood oozed out from between her toes , and she picked up her foot , watching it drip to the floor . Movement in her peripheral vision pulled her head up again . The laughter . " Come back ! " she yelled . Anabelle rushed down the hall , pressing her hand against the wall . As she rounded the corner , the little girl 's back was turned to Anabelle . Anabelle stepped slowly closer , and when she saw something drip from the girl 's fingers , Anabelle grabbed her hand and held it in front of her face . Blood . The girl flickered and suddenly was facing Anabelle . " Drown . " she said , and Anabelle did . Water was at her feet all at once , and it swiftly rose , so that soon it was at her ankles . She turned to run , but the opening behind her had disappeared and now she stood in a room devoid of windows or doors . The girl in front of her was swept away and soon disappeared , her obsidian hair the last thing of her to go . Anabelle ducked under the water to find the source of the flow , and after moments of looking around , spotted a covered drain that seemed to be detaining the water . She swam deeper and deeper , never seeming to get any closer , and then finally when she reached it , she pulled the plug . It seemed for a miniscule amount of time that the water level was going down , but then , when she looked again at the drain , a black cloud emerged . She put her face closer and found that it was not black , but deep read . Bloodred . It seemed to follow her no matter where she was . Anabelle 's tears blurred her vision , but the voice was unmistakable . Blüd . As her sight cleared , she bit her lip in terror as he looked down at her , a cruel smile on his broken face , pushing his scar up higher on his face so that it twisted grotesquely , making her wince . " So , here 's what 's happening , Anabelle . This - " he held up a syringe filled with a bright purple liquid . " Is my creation . It took me quite a while to make , you know . " he paced to the other side of her , looking intently into the glass . " Do you know what it does ? " Anabelle glared at him , and he continued his monologue . " It 's a formula puts the human brain into a dream state that shows them all of their fears at once . Only , there 's another thing . We can see them , too . Right here , on this screen . " he tapped a computer terminal with his palm , letting it slide down the side of the screen . Anabelle 's eyes grew wide as she realized what was going to happen . Blüd grabbed her wrist , flipping it over painfully , and lowering the syringe toward her popping veins . She struggled , and Blüd backhanded her across the face . Anabelle licked her lip , and tasted iron . Blood . Marcus slammed her arm back down onto the examiner 's table , and drove the needle into her arm . She barely had enough time to scream before the dreams came . Anabelle stood on the edge of a skyscraper , a fierce wind blasting strands of her hair into a whip that cut her face . She whimpered and backed up against a pillar that stood behind her . When she turned to look behind her , she was gripping Blüd 's jacket as a cruel snicker made it 's way from his parted lips . Screaming , Anabelle backed away from him , tipping precariously over the edge . As she zoomed through the air , her locks of hair rushing above her , all she could see was Blüd 's smiling face , taunting her . When she hit the bottom , she expected to be crushed to death . No such luck . Searing pain pressed itself into Ana 's skin . She screeched as it rushed into her skull . When she managed to open her eyes , a red fluid finding her eyes , She took in the scene in front of her . Alex lay defenseless on a table , his arms and legs and head held down , rendering him exposed . Thick red blood collected on the dips of his skin . To Ana 's great shame and horror , she herself was holding the whip . A hand settled on her shoulder , and moments later , another . On her left , Blüd . Grinning wide enough for Christmas . On her right , A tall , handsome man with jet black hair to match her own . Cruel , scared blue eyes stared back at her when she turned to him . Earlier , when he had heard Anabelle screaming , he had shot up from his seat , causing pain to flood to his wound and he fell to the ground . He heard a moan and pushed through the pain to get to the top of the ladder . When he finally escaped the dark hole , the scene hit him . A bowl lay shattered on the kitchen floor , a dagger on the ground in the hallway , so close to the door . If she had only run a bit further perhaps she would have escaped . " James ! " he remembered . He rushed down the hallways and through doors , finally collapsing in despair when he heard yet another groan , followed by a choked cough . " James ? ! Speak to me ! I don 't - " he winced at the sudden pain in his leg . " I don 't know where you are ! " " Alex ? " a dim voice droned , " You there ? I 'm - " cough , cough , " In the north room . I can 't - " he yelled through his teeth , " I can 't move ! They shot me below my kneecaps ! " Alex came back to stand in front of his friend . " I have to save her , James . I can 't say why , I just do . " Hi ! My name is Marisa ! I love to sing , write , blog , and just talk to people in general . My crazy family is both Armenian and Dutch , so we eat a lot of food from both sides . Just to cover the basics , my favorite color is blueFavorite TV show : Doctor Who and Firefly and my favorite book / series : " I know why the angels dance " by Bryan Davis . Thanks for taking your time to read my blog . Don 't forget to subscribe ! ! : ) Hey ! Thanks for reading ! Let me know if you would like to hear about something in particular ! I would love to hear from you ! Email me at trueloveneverdies1998 @ gmail . com

So I made it safely to Ohio last Saturday , and I have had a blast so far . I am thoroughly exhausted . There was a beautiful sermon on Sunday by Pastor Mike Waters on what parents should teach their children . We went on a walk in the lighted park last night . It was super super cold ! ! ! I saw some people whom I haven 't in awhile , and I got some really good poems down . : ) Hey , everyone ! I can 't believe it 's almost Christmas ! This year went past so fast ! It was Summer a couple days ago , I swear ! So this Friday , I am having a party . I don 't remember if I mentioned it before . It is going to be a Christmas Masquerade . I am pretty hyped . On Christmas Eve , my family always eats crackers and cheese and that type thing , and watches movies until late . Then , on Christmas , we go to my grandma 's house and basically eat all day long , while the men watch either football or golf depending on which is playing at the time . We exchange gifts have a great time overall . I am going to Ohio in exactly 11 days to see my best friend ever , Hannah . We are going to go shopping , and skating , and we are going to a big party on New Years . I am super super excited . I can 't wait to see her . We always have so much fun , and I laugh more in the days that I am there than I do the rest of the year . I don 't have to worry about work , or church , or teaching , I can just relax and eat . I don 't get a whole lot of time to read or write which kind of sucks , seeing as I love both , but we always stay up late , and watch movies , and laugh , and - of course - drive the parents absolutely nuts late into the night . I just can 't wait to see her . On a totally random subject , I recently discovered this A Capella band called Eclipse 6 , and I have to say , I . Am . In . Love . They are amazing . " If there are words for Him then I don 't have them . You see , my brain has not yet reached the point where it could form a thought that could adequately describe the greatness of my God , and my lungs have not yet developed the ability to release a breath with enough agility to breathe out the greatness of his love , and my voice , you see , my voice , is so inhibited , restrained by human limits that it 's hard to even sing the praise of … You see … if there are words for Him then I don 't have them . My God , His grace is remarkable , mercies are enumerable , strength is impenetrable , He is honorable , accountable , favorable , He is unsearchable yet knowable , indefinable yet approachable , indescribable yet personal , He is beyond comprehension , further than imagination , constant through generations , king of every nation . But if there are words for Him then I don 't have them . You see , my words are few , and to try to capture the one true God , using my vocabulary will never do , but I use words as an expression , an expression of worship to a savior , a savior who is both worthy and deserving of my praise , so I use words . My heart extols the Lord , blesses his name forever , He has won my heart captured my mind and has bound them both together , He has defeated me in my rebellion , conquered me in my sin , He has welcomed me into his presence , completely invited me in . He has made himself the object of my sight , flooding me with mercies in the morning , drowning me with grace in the night . But if there are words for Him then I don 't have them . But what I do have is good news , for my God knew that manmade words would never do , for words are just tools that we use to point to the truth , so He sent His son Jesus Christ as " The Word " , living proof , He is the image of the invisible God , the first born of all creation , for by Him all things are created , giving nothingness formation , and by His words he sustains , in the power of His name , for He is before all things and over all things he reigns , holy is his name , so praise him fHe is everything that was promised , praise Him as your risen king , lift your voice and sing for one day he will return for us and we will finally be united with our savior for eternity , eternity . So it 's not just words that I proclaim , for my words point to " The Word " and " The Word " has a name , hope has a name , joy has a name , peace has a name , love has a name and that name is Jesus Christ . Praise his name forever ! " You guys need to watch this . It is beautiful . It starts with a song by Keri Jobe , and then ends with the little speech above . The link is below . Part . . . 8 I think of Sniper . I am getting into it again . Haha I am excited for the next scene . Can 't wait to finally resolve everything . There will probably be only a couple more parts to Sniper . Then I will have to find something else to write . I can honestly say that I haven 't had this much fun writing in a long time . Thanks to all of you who keep coming back for more . You make this worth the work . I may never publish a book , and I may never meet any of you , but if no one ever sees these , I know that you guys have . One - Thousand , Two - Hundred people have seen my stories , and that 's enough for me . Thank you , thank you , thank you . Over and over Anabelle cried out Alex 's name , hoping he had escaped so he could save her again . Guilt poured into her like a waterfall . He had already saved her several times over ; by no means was he obligated to do it again . He kept coming back . She couldn 't shake his voice from her head . Her words quaked when she spoke . " Let me die . " she rasped . Even speaking sent showers of pain cascading over her body . She knew the dreams would come soon . She could see them in the corners of her eyes , the breath that shallowly emerged from her rising chest . She heard them in the rasp of her voice and in the creak of the door as it opened and closed . Despite the panicked thoughts that streaked through her mind , one kept materializing . She had to escape . She had to live . When her mother had died , her father had drowned in drink . He never really came back up . She had to survive . Her death would be the end of her father . She couldn 't leave him like that . Memories zipped through her mind : her father stumbling into the house after a night of drinking , her mother lying pale and dead on the bed that had once been white - now covered in red blood . And Alex . She had to help him . She had to find Alex . Pain erupted from her throat in a scream . With everything she had , she threw her arms up and dug her nails into the restraints . A crack snapped through her ears and the pain grew into something worse than she had ever felt . She stumbled from the bed . The lock turned . she struggled behind the door , gripping the wall to steady herself . The door opened , concealing her , and as the figure entered , she slammed the door . The man cried out as the structure slammed into his unprotected temple . Cradling his punctured skull , he turned on her . Anabelle quickly swiveled out the exit , shutting the man in . He yelled incomprehensibly and banged on the metal separating them . The boat rumbled underneath Alex 's pained feet , causing him to shift uncomfortably from side to side . His heard thrummed in his chest . Anabelle was close and he knew exactly where she was . Blüd Enterprise . The old building where all this started . James had wanted to come , but his legs were getting worse , and there was no way he could have come with them without slowing them down . No , this was something he had to do alone . Unaided . Water splashed up into his face . Alex sighed with pleasure as the drops cooled his fevered face . The air that rushed into him blew his face back from his eyes , giving him a heroic look that he didn 't feel . An hour later , he arrived . Stepping onto the land , he gazed up at the once - glorious construct . Gloomy boards covered the shattered glass windows , nails protruding from the ends . He closed his eyes , preparing himself for the rescue . He went over his plan : Get Anabelle , get Simon , get out . Alrighty ! ! ! So after a really long reprise , here is the next part of Sniper ! ! ! I finally finished it . Not the whole story , just the next part . Thanks tons for bearing with me ! ! ! I need a break sometimes . I will try and get some more up in the coming week . Hopefully soon I can end it , and move on to other things . She sat in the dark , warm blackness washing over her , and then cold . As though she had been sleeping on a winter day , and someone had suddenly pulled the blankets off . She pulled her knees to her chest , and then spread her arms and legs realizing that she was flying . She crashed into the steel floor of a hospital . A child 's laugh echoed off the walls , plunging Anabelle into shivers . Her blue - tinged view of the place blurred the edges of her vision , causing her to use the wall as a hand - hold . When she felt something wet slip over her feet , she jumped and her eyes flew to her feet . " Barefoot , " she said , " Why am I barefoot ? " Blood oozed out from between her toes , and she picked up her foot , watching it drip to the floor . Movement in her peripheral vision pulled her head up again . The laughter . " Come back ! " she yelled . Anabelle rushed down the hall , pressing her hand against the wall . As she rounded the corner , the little girl 's back was turned to Anabelle . Anabelle stepped slowly closer , and when she saw something drip from the girl 's fingers , Anabelle grabbed her hand and held it in front of her face . Blood . The girl flickered and suddenly was facing Anabelle . " Drown . " she said , and Anabelle did . Water was at her feet all at once , and it swiftly rose , so that soon it was at her ankles . She turned to run , but the opening behind her had disappeared and now she stood in a room devoid of windows or doors . The girl in front of her was swept away and soon disappeared , her obsidian hair the last thing of her to go . Anabelle ducked under the water to find the source of the flow , and after moments of looking around , spotted a covered drain that seemed to be detaining the water . She swam deeper and deeper , never seeming to get any closer , and then finally when she reached it , she pulled the plug . It seemed for a miniscule amount of time that the water level was going down , but then , when she looked again at the drain , a black cloud emerged . She put her face closer and found that it was not black , but deep read . Bloodred . It seemed to follow her no matter where she was . Anabelle 's tears blurred her vision , but the voice was unmistakable . Blüd . As her sight cleared , she bit her lip in terror as he looked down at her , a cruel smile on his broken face , pushing his scar up higher on his face so that it twisted grotesquely , making her wince . " So , here 's what 's happening , Anabelle . This - " he held up a syringe filled with a bright purple liquid . " Is my creation . It took me quite a while to make , you know . " he paced to the other side of her , looking intently into the glass . " Do you know what it does ? " Anabelle glared at him , and he continued his monologue . " It 's a formula puts the human brain into a dream state that shows them all of their fears at once . Only , there 's another thing . We can see them , too . Right here , on this screen . " he tapped a computer terminal with his palm , letting it slide down the side of the screen . Anabelle 's eyes grew wide as she realized what was going to happen . Blüd grabbed her wrist , flipping it over painfully , and lowering the syringe toward her popping veins . She struggled , and Blüd backhanded her across the face . Anabelle licked her lip , and tasted iron . Blood . Marcus slammed her arm back down onto the examiner 's table , and drove the needle into her arm . She barely had enough time to scream before the dreams came . Anabelle stood on the edge of a skyscraper , a fierce wind blasting strands of her hair into a whip that cut her face . She whimpered and backed up against a pillar that stood behind her . When she turned to look behind her , she was gripping Blüd 's jacket as a cruel snicker made it 's way from his parted lips . Screaming , Anabelle backed away from him , tipping precariously over the edge . As she zoomed through the air , her locks of hair rushing above her , all she could see was Blüd 's smiling face , taunting her . When she hit the bottom , she expected to be crushed to death . No such luck . Searing pain pressed itself into Ana 's skin . She screeched as it rushed into her skull . When she managed to open her eyes , a red fluid finding her eyes , She took in the scene in front of her . Alex lay defenseless on a table , his arms and legs and head held down , rendering him exposed . Thick red blood collected on the dips of his skin . To Ana 's great shame and horror , she herself was holding the whip . A hand settled on her shoulder , and moments later , another . On her left , Blüd . Grinning wide enough for Christmas . On her right , A tall , handsome man with jet black hair to match her own . Cruel , scared blue eyes stared back at her when she turned to him . Earlier , when he had heard Anabelle screaming , he had shot up from his seat , causing pain to flood to his wound and he fell to the ground . He heard a moan and pushed through the pain to get to the top of the ladder . When he finally escaped the dark hole , the scene hit him . A bowl lay shattered on the kitchen floor , a dagger on the ground in the hallway , so close to the door . If she had only run a bit further perhaps she would have escaped . " James ! " he remembered . He rushed down the hallways and through doors , finally collapsing in despair when he heard yet another groan , followed by a choked cough . " James ? ! Speak to me ! I don 't - " he winced at the sudden pain in his leg . " I don 't know where you are ! " " Alex ? " a dim voice droned , " You there ? I 'm - " cough , cough , " In the north room . I can 't - " he yelled through his teeth , " I can 't move ! They shot me below my kneecaps ! " Alex came back to stand in front of his friend . " I have to save her , James . I can 't say why , I just do . " Hi ! My name is Marisa ! I love to sing , write , blog , and just talk to people in general . My crazy family is both Armenian and Dutch , so we eat a lot of food from both sides . Just to cover the basics , my favorite color is blueFavorite TV show : Doctor Who and Firefly and my favorite book / series : " I know why the angels dance " by Bryan Davis . Thanks for taking your time to read my blog . Don 't forget to subscribe ! ! : ) Hey ! Thanks for reading ! Let me know if you would like to hear about something in particular ! I would love to hear from you ! Email me at trueloveneverdies1998 @ gmail . com

Hello , everyone hope you had a wonderful week . Mine has been sorta sucky and this week isn 't looking so hot right now . I do believe I am getting the flu so yes " Sucky " . For all of you who missed my announcement , you cant check out the post titled Taking A Chill Pill . I am going on a little hiatus to gather myself and comeback bigger and better than ever . So look out for it . Press focuses on GLBT romance , exclusively . We publish all the sub - genres of romance - - paranormal , contemporary , western , suspense , etc . . We do require a happy ending , whether that ending is happily ever after or happy for now . submissions must contain gay , lesbian , bisexual or transgendered characters . While works do not need to be graphic , they must contain romance and focus on the interaction between characters . Acceptance preference will be given to stories with fully realized romances and a high level of sensuality . single spaced with a space in between paragraphs . Indents at the beginning of paragraphs are not necessary . Any submissions with severe formatting problems ( ie : blocks of text with no paragraph breaks , illegible fonts ) will not be read . a short bio of the author along with the author 's contact information . Authors may use a pseudonym for their work , but we will need full legal names and contact information for contracts . All information will be kept in the strictest confidence . are primarily looking for homoerotic stories in all genres . We are not looking for sex without characterization . Plotty , sensual character - driven novels are our focus . We are currently actively seeking clearly a copyright infringement , including any that have been converted from fan fiction or that are based on TV shows , movies , or literary characters . We do accept simultaneous submissions , however we require you to update us if there is any interest in your submission from another publisher or if it is accepted elsewhere . We do accept multiple submissions . manuscripts are accepted at any time . Please remember , however , that current projects take precedence , and while we will acknowledge all submissions in a timely manner , it may take some time for one of our editors to review your work . Please allow 3 - 8 weeks for a response . . All It is with a heavy heart that I write this , but I am leaving . . . . Ha - ha totally kidding . I am just here to announce that I will be taking some time off reviewing , because I feel the need for a break . No , nobody pissed me off , and I am not angry about whatever crazy is happening in the book world . I just really need to take a break , and go read all the books on my TBR ( ok maybe a few of them ) . Also , I will be cracking down boot camp style on my oldest son . He is having some difficulty in school and I am going to try to implement some new routines in hopes that it will get him to focus . Being my first - born , I have spoiled him tremendously and now he is so stubborn that he drives people bonkers . I have to crackdown while it 's still early . My last review will be sometime in the middle of October around the 12th . So at this time , I will not be accepting individual review requests and I apologize . If you have a late November early December release them maybe we can talk . Fehu , Buggy , and Hannah will still be reviewing so there is that to look forward to . I plan to return for December 1st to start spreading Christmas joy so I will not be gone forever . All post and giveaways will go as scheduled for those that I have committed to , so do not panic . I am still down for posting ; I might even post pretty pics of my food creations ( no promises ) . All scheduled post will go as planned ! When a volcano erupts in Iceland and leaves globetrotting headhunter Jez Robinson stranded in Barcelona , he isn 't sure what to do . He has a hard time sitting still , so deciding to make the best of his situation , he pays a visit to his old friend Nick Stone , a retired porn star he shares a history with . Only the visit doesn 't go anything like Jez expected . First Nick introduces Jamie , his much younger lover , a man so painfully shy he can 't even bring himself to talk to strangers . The love he and Nick share is plain to Jez , but also puzzling , because Nick was never the monogamous type . Then Nick tells Jez he 's dying and wants Jez to look after Jamie . In his whole life , Jez has never committed to so much as a house plant , so at first he refuses . But Nick and Jamie are insistent , and soon Jamie worms his way into Jez 's graces and his bed , determined to do the convincing Jez 's heart needs . I rarely DNF a book because I am one those people who stick with a book until its finish . In regards to this book , I had to quit because if I had continued I would have wrote a one not so good review . Here is why it didn 't work for me . I was really excited about reading this one , because the premise sounded so interesting . When Jez is stranded in Barcelona , he reconnects with an old friend who also came with benefits . Back in the day , Nick was the biggest porn star and one of Jez 's closest friends but then suddenly he fell of the grid . Seems Nick has settled down with his beautiful young lover Jaime . Jez later finds out Nick is dying , and his request is for him to care for Jaime because he doesn 't know how to function on his own . I won 't give much away because this is not a review but I stopped reading because of all the unsafe sex and the complete lack of respect for the character Jez . I know it could be considered angst and probably add something to the storyline , but Jaime lacks remorse and shrugs his shoulder for everything ( for big very unsafe things ) . Maybe I should have been sympathetic to his plight but since the entire story is told from Jez 's pov ( talking directly to the reader ) ; all my feelings for Jaime are bad ones . So at around 65 % I called it quits , I just no longer cared . It seemed like maybe things were going to start looking up , but by then it was just too late . This could just be all me , because people seem to like this one a lot . Just wasn 't for me in the end . For five years , Zach Tyler , son of one of the worlds richest software moguls , was held hostage , tortured , and abused . When he is rescued at last from the Venezuelan jungle , he is physically and psychologically shattered , but he slowly begins to rebuild the life he should have had before an innocent kiss sent him into hell . His childhood best friend David has lived those years with overwhelming guilt and grief . Every relationship David has tried has fallen apart because of his feelings for a boy he thought dead . When Zach is rescued , David is overjoyedand then crushed when Zach shuts him out . Two years later , David returns home , and he and Zach and David , their story is one that will have you feeling like you have read whole chapters without taking a breath , or feeling a heartbeat . Their need to be together is almost overpowering , but not enough to win out against all the damage life has inflicted on this pair . When Zach in the form of David . Although the there is strong emphasis on the love affair for Zach and David in this book , it is their friendship that provides the deepest examples of unconditional love . During the darkest moments for Zach , as you see his character try to overcome the nightmares of how horrifying scars were inflicted upon his body , and you book is moving , painful , heart - warming , heart - breaking and beautiful . As you follow Zach along his long journey to regain the life taken from him , and you listen to David as he tries to figure out how to help his best friend and the love of his life , you pray that they can find their way . This book is special , it goes past that of one of lovers finding their forever , it is a book of family , and warmth , and one that you will enjoy through all the tears and pain , as , even though the circumstances are extreme , you relate to what it is like to find that one person who makes you whole , whether that be a friend or lover , and you refuse to let them go . I 'm a huge fan of the opposites attract romance , because to me it 's a strong foundation for a character - driven story . If you have big conflicts of personality and lifestyle ( and they have to be big , not merely cosmetic ) then you have huge amounts to work with . You can just put your two characters in a situation , sit back and watch the sparks fly . Of course , you do have to cross your fingers and hope they 'll be sexy sparks rather than the third degree burns kind . What about you , Jamie ? Do you think pairing opposites is too contrived ? Too much like something that happens in a book rather than real life ? And if so , is there anything wrong with that ? JL Merrow ( Jamie ) : I think like most things in life , what it comes down to is this : everyone 's different . Yes , there are couples who seem more like clones - but there are also those who find love by complementing each other , rather than by having absolutely everything in common . And I know which I 'd rather read about ! A pet hate of mine is romances where I have to struggle to remember which guy is which . I 'd much rather see two very different guys work to find the common ground they can meet on . Even if I didn 't believe opposites attract in real life , I 'd still like to read about them . Although obviously there has to be believability , I don 't accept that books have to be exactly like real life . Think about all the conversations you might have in a day - then imagine writing them , word for word , in a book . If you 're anything like me , they 'd likely be full of repetition , mis - hearings , and honestly , not that riveting to a reader . The primary purpose of writing is to entertain , and it can 't do that by being boring . I think my favourite mis - matched couple of yours is the one from Boats in the Night : Giles and Smutty . Uptight alcoholic posh boy v . teetotal hippy firedancer . Do you have a favourite fictional odd couple yourself ? ( and no , it doesn 't have to be one of mine ! ) Jo : But what if my favourites are your characters ? ! I adore the pairing of large , tattooed and uneducated Al with diminutive professor Larry in Muscling Through - - you couldn 't find two more different men , yet they work together so well ! I 'm also a huge fan of K . A . Mitchell 's mismatched couples , and out of her back catalogue , I would probably vote for Mason and Jon in Life Over Easy . I have to admit , my whole character planning process revolves around finding opposing characteristics for my two leads , as well as a few areas where they will mesh perfectly . This method proved to be a real challenge when planning The Hot Floor , as how do you create three sets of opposites ? I originally intended Josh to be a much more confident , tarty kind of fella , but the moment I started writing I realised that he wasn 't that way at all - - that was Rai . Or at least , that was how Rai appears to be , when you don 't know him all that well . I also had fun creating opposing physical characteristics : tall , skinny and blond Josh ; lithe , compact and Asian Rai ; and enormous , muscular , bald Evan . You really couldn 't mix those three up ! Just as you don 't want your two leads to be too similar in character , it 's confusing if they look alike too . What about Tom and Phil in Pressure Head : were their opposing characteristics a result of planning or simply the characters forcing you to write them that way ? Jamie : As you can guess , the guys in Muscling Through were deliberately opposites , but it wasn 't quite the same thing with Pressure Head . Tom , my narrator , was pretty much his charming , cheeky self from the word go ; Phil needed a few rough edges knocked off him , but is still basically the same character I envisaged right at the start . He 's more reserved than Tom , and finds their shared past harder to let go of , but in some ways he sees things more clearly than Tom does . Tom 's attraction to the big , blond investigator hasn 't changed - in fact , he 's even more desirable all grown up . But is Phil 's interest genuine , or does he only want to use Tom 's talent ? Meanwhile , the evidence around the woman 's murder piles up . . . while the murderer 's trigger finger is getting increasingly twitchy . Every time Josh overhears his sexy downstairs neighbors , Rai and Evan , having loud and obviously kinky sex , Josh is overwhelmed with lust … and a longing for a fraction of the love he 's never managed to find . On the night a naked Josh falls - quite literally - into the middle one of Rai and Evan 's marathon sex sessions , the force of their mutual attraction takes control . But just as Josh dares to hope , he senses a change . Leaving him to wonder if the winds of love are about to blow his way at last … or if history is about to repeat itself . JL Merrow is that rare beast , an English person who refuses to drink tea . She read Natural Sciences at Cambridge , where she learned many things , chief amongst which was that she never wanted to see the inside of a lab ever again . Her one regret is that she never mastered the ability of punting one - handed whilst holding a glass of champagne . English through and through , Josephine Myles is addicted to tea and busy cultivating a reputation for eccentricity . She writes gay erotica and romance , but finds the erotica keeps cuddling up to the romance , and the romance keeps corrupting the erotica . Jo blames her rebellious muse but he never listens to her anyway , no matter how much she threatens him with a big stick . She 's beginning to suspect he enjoys it . time he overhears the diminutive academic and the hunky plumber having loud and obviously kinky sex , Josh is overwhelmed with lust … and a longing for a fraction of what they have . To his amazement , Rai and Evan find his embarrassing tendency to blush utterly charming , and the three men grow closer over the course of the long , hot summer . Despite Rai 's charming flirtation and Evan 's smoldering gaze , Josh is determined never to break his new friends ' loving bonds . On the night a naked Josh falls - quite literally - into the middle of one of Rai and Evan 's marathon sex sessions , the force of their mutual attraction takes control . But just as Josh dares to hope , he senses a change . Leaving him to wonder if the winds of love are about to blow his way at last … or if history is about to repeat itself . Warning : There 's nothing that gets me more excited than a ménage , and when you throw a Japanese character into it O _ O well … I just about lose my mind . The Hot Floor felt like it was written for me cus it embodies all the things I love to read . I am pretty much easy to please , but I do know what I want to read about in order to make a trias relationship work . I think the author did a really good and I can believe in their HEA . Whenever Josh hangs out with his quirky friend in her apartment , he always gets an earful from the floor above . Denise 's very sexy neighbours Rai Nakumura ( cus I gotta put in his whole name ) and Evan kinky love fest is enough to give Josh a heart attack , but somehow he finds himself lusting after the men . He thinks about what it would be like to get all down and dirty with them , but Josh knows all it will ever come to be is fantasy . First , he 's too shy and blushes at the mere mention of sex , and his last boyfriend who dumped him told him he sucked in bed . So he really does not have the confidence to strike up a conversation with them . When Evan and Rai approach him , Josh is shell - shocked . It comes as a surprise when a friendship begins to develop between the men , friendship with an underlying of " I wanna rip our freaking clothes off " . When Josh literally comes crashing into Rai and Evan 's life he fins himself wrapped up in between two men experiencing the most amazing sex of his life . With sex comes doubt and Josh fears driving a wedge between the men , and losing the two men who comes to be his closest friends . Seems it won 't be a onetime deal , but Josh still fears the unexpected . What if the flame goes out and suddenly he 's being kicked to curb , and Rai / Evan move on to their very established relationship . The author did some wonderful things making the sex apart of the foundation of their relationship . The friendship part of the story provided a building block to long lasting but it 's with all the loving that I think Josh was able to get it . Nothing was ever perfect from the get go , and all the troubles that they encountered really provided a realistic feel and made their relationship all the more believable . Josh is like the ying to their yang , he 's like the personality trait that Ran and Evan are missing . Rai the flamboyant sexphine , Evan the big manly cuddle bear , and Josh shy and undemanding . He is the balance they never even knew they needed . So when it comes to what 's going on in the bedroom , shit is explosive . My pants have disappeared and I am waiting for them to return cus I must do a bit of grocery shopping . I only had one thing that bothered me , and that 's when Josh was preparing a gift for Evan and Rai . As a glassblower , Josh gets to make beautiful things so I was excited to read about him presenting his gifts to the boys . I didn 't get it , and I felt like it would have been a beautiful scene so I was all let down . Though one of the gifts eventually gets buried balls deep in him >.< Yes , I liked the crap out of it , and loved how their relationship was presented . The ending felt a bit rushed to me ( but that could be cus I wanted more ) . I am down for a Jo Myles ménage any day , she can keep writing about Asian characters I am always down for that . Loved It ! ! is now openly gay , and shows unmistakable signs of interest . Tom 's attraction to the big , blond investigator hasn 't changed - in fact , he 's even more desirable all grown up . But is Phil 's interest genuine , or does he only want to use Tom 's talent ? As the pile of complicated Firstly , let 's start out by talking about that amazing cover . I just love it so much , it is just so light and fun just like the book . J . L Merrow is a master at making me laugh , and falling head over heels for her characters . She has taken a spot as one of my fave authors , my go to when I want a fun read with a side of hot loving . Tom Paretski isn 't your ordinary plumber he also has a talent for finding hidden things , stuff hidden out of guilt or hiding a dirty secret . The talent first made an appearance when he was a young boy and found the body of a little girl , not the most ideal experience for a young boy but it is a gift that comes in handy . So , when the cops can 't find something they call in Tom . He finds himself searching for a missing woman and the outcome isn 't a pleasant one . Now it seems his town has a got a killer on their hands , and to make things a little worse for him . He runs into his high school crush and bully . Phil is still as gorgeous as ever but seeing him , the past comes rearing its ugly head . Now Phil has need of Tom 's little finders ' keepers ' skill , and the men begin an investigation of their own . It 's a surprise they got anything done , when they fight like cats and dogs , and constantly butt heads . Underneath all their bitching , the sexual tension was crackling and I kept thinking " so when are you guys gonna get naked already ? " Seriously , this book is a lot of fun . The murder - mystery was done well and kept me guessing up to the end . The highlight of the story is the town folks ; I kept anticipating who would be next on Phil and Tom 's list of suspects . The slow developing relationship between Phil and Tom was nice to read about , but I found myself getting frustrated with both their attitudes . I understood that they had old hurts to get pass , but man did they take their time >.< Overall , I really liked it and enjoyed the variety in characters a lot . J . L has a gift in introducing new characters and having them play some part whether it is small or important , ( that 's no small feat ) . So yes , please do check this one out , lots of mystery ( I kept it all mysterious ) , surprises , and most of all fun . Loving Kim Jae - Min isn 't always easy : Jae is gun - shy about being openly homosexual . Ex - cop turned private investigator Cole McGinnis doesn 't know any other way to be . Still , he understands where Jae is coming from . Traditional Korean men aren 't gay - at least not usually where people can see them . But Cole can 't spend too much time unraveling his boyfriend 's issues . He has a job to do . When a singer named Scarlet asks him to help find Park Dae - Hoon , a gay Korean man who disappeared nearly two decades ago , Cole finds himself submerged in the tangled world of rich Korean families , where obligation and politics mean sacrificing happiness to preserve corporate empires . Soon the bodies start piling up without rhyme or reason . With every step Cole takes toward locating Park Dae - Hoon , another person meets their demise - and someone Cole loves could be next on the murderer 's list . Thank you Rhys Ford for surpassing my expectations and making me happy . Let 's be frank , sometimes sequels can be a let down and though I was excited out of pants to read Dirty Secret I wasn 't anticipating gold . Well folks I got platinum , I never thought I would like this book so much and I enjoyed it a lot more than the first . It was like sitting down to a kick ass episode of Cole McGinnis P . I . Sometimes even the most awesome has faults and so I do have a few things that bothered me . Dirty Secret begins with a bang just like the first book Dirty Kiss , where Cole finds himself on one of his unusual cases . Think sex shop and instead of " Dick in a box " , it 's dick in a bottle . It 's a good thing he has his beautiful Korean lover Jae - Min to feed him and give him endless amount of cuddles , but it seems his cuddles are gonna have to wait . When the beautiful Scarlet , sexy Filipino man / woman shows up on his doorstep with a case to find a missing person Cole knows things are about to go south . Because being tangled up in Korean business either leads to him getting shot or people dying . Gay and being Korean does not mix well and Cole is seeing it firsthand with his investigation . It 's also something he is experiencing on a personal level with Jae - Min because good Korean boys must get married , make the babies , and make their families happy . Now Cole is digging up old dirt and opening old wounds and that isn 't going over well with the prestigious families . When bodies start dropping like flies , Cole knows he should walk away but he cant help wanting to find the truth even if it might cost him the ones he loves the most . There is so much to enjoy in this book , with its constant action and bombs of surprise . I laughed so much and cried as mush equally . Cole 's estranged parents make an appearance and man . . . was it sucky . They really brought the hatred and my heart broke so much for him , which really made me realize how much I am wary of Jae - Min for him . Yes , he is this beautiful Korean and that is my ultimate bias but I feel like Cole is living his truth and its not easy and he deserves someone who is living equally as honest . It 's a complicated relationship and I am looking forward to where the author is taking them . Their future might be unclear but they still know how to set the sheets on fire and cause a pants losing , " Wowza " they were hot . My overall peeve is that I don 't think the story came together well . It went all over the place by the end , and then the conclusion just felt " Meh " . I kept wondering , " So the point of this was ? " Would have been better if someone was trying to keep the truth from coming out instead of a looney with a gun ( because really he was just a loony with a gun ) . Overall , I really enjoyed the story and am looking forward to the next book in a pants - less state . I really am hoping Jae - Min proves something in the future cus right now I just view him as the glorified pretty boy who is still just there ( I want him to shine ) . Cole is still the best and one of my fave characters ever , he 's really made of awesome . I believe fans of the first book will enjoy Dirty Secret and then faint at the end of it . I have a sneaking suspicion that instead of Chaebols , Cole will be taking up with the Yakuza it only seems fair that he handles his Japanese side . For happenstance news correspondent Tait Williams and newly minted astronaut Nicholas Sullivan , 1966 is a year of beginnings . Idealistic Tait dreams of changing the world with his pen , and Nick has his sights set on the moon . With the Apollo program in full swing , Nick is on the fast track to his dreams - even as Tait 's hopes of covering the Vietnam war are sidelined by a cause he doesn 't believe in : a correspondent assignment with NASA . It is here , in the golden age of the US space program , that the hearts of two men collide , setting them on a path of discovery spanning two decades . From war - torn Cambodia to the decadence and Tait is an aspiring young journalist , who wants to stand up for others while he cannot stand up for himself . He lost his parents and concentrates on writing about issues that he considers important ; he wants to make a difference . Through chance , he was selected to do a special series about the NASA program and one of the aspiring astronauts Nick Sullivan . Nick was the second lead character but I did not warm up to him the same way as I did to Tait . I understand that he was under some pressure but if he truly loved Tait , I really don 't know why he married Eleanor . She was the worst person to marry and he paid the price but I truly didn 't understand why he didn 't fight for Tait , didn 't go after him . He told Tait that he believed everything is possible but then gave up , on his dream on his love . I was disappointed in Nick and wanted to tell him to grow some balls , Alex had bigger ones , that for sure . Tait is honest and somewhat naive but sweet . He could not bring himself to reduce heating costs in winter , because of his fish ; he would rather reduce his own food money ( sweet ) . He is idealistic and wants to write and inform about the human suffering , he is not interested in the fame and money but really cares and it shows in his work . Tait is no hero in the conventional sense , with his shyness and gentle manners but he has some hidden strength and fire that serve him well . It 's with him that we travel to Vietnam and Cambodia to see the war scenes and the human toll . The description of these places and his experiences was vivid ; I could see the bustle of the markets , the jungle and the people . I felt for the people , for Tait 's loss , and his silent courage . Then there was Eleanor , I could have liked Eleanor , with her degree in political science and her aspirations but she was a character that nearly ruined the book for me . After all is said and done Nick might have forgiven her , but I do not understand why . She was a manipulative , ruined his life , career , and nearly cost him the love of his life . Of course , nothing is all black and white and there were moments where one could feel sorry for her , the important word is could . Eleanor might have had her reasons but Alex loved Tait and did not ruin his life but helped him and was at his side , supported him and was happy for him . When he found Nick , she did not try to manipulate her way into a marriage ; it was not who she was . She remained true to herself in a time where this was not easy . So there I was , loving Alex and Tait , disappointed in Nick and strongly disliking Eleanor . Tait and Alex realized their dreams , fought for them , got hurt , experience loss but really did make a difference in the lives of people . I found myself wishing Tait would find someone else to stand beside him , someone strong enough to be at his side and to fight for him and not afraid to share his life with him . I really hope to see more work by this author . I wish it could be made into a movie . Five pants because I loved the book , but I was not happy with how it ended . What a surprise and unexpected amount of awesome this book was . It has been awhile since I read an offering from Manifold Press , and now I will be looking into them more often . Above All , will make you smile for the unusual romance , and crazy fun characters . Jasper is super genius , but based on what often comes out of his mouth you wouldn 't know it . He has a prickly temperament , works too much , and it comes as a surprise that he has friends . When his mouth gets him into trouble and fired from his job , he finds himself taking a little R & R and ends up in some dodgy part of town . It 's there he has an accident and hits a homeless man , Jasper wants to take the man to the hospital but the man refuses to go . Jasper then takes matters into his own hands and brings the man to a doctor friend . After all , he 's the reason for the man injuries . After a dishonourable discharge , Brian hit rock bottom , and now he 's a homeless veteran suffering from all manners of emotional issues . Life has taught him not to trust easily because it only brings heartache . Until he finds himself up - close and personal with a car , and the driver to become a constant staple in his less than stellar life . Dr Jasper Swinton comes swooping in , taking care of him , feeding him , and giving him a sense of home he hasn 't had in a long time . But kindness always comes with a price tag right ? Jasper has to want something from him . The relationship that develops between men is a beautiful friendship , and fun filled moments . It was hard for them to get to point A and on to point B but darn was it fun to read . Their personalities are so different so they compliment each other well . A romantic relationship develops very later on in the book , so this story is definitely not about the sex . It 's about the unexpected and the good that can come from life and people . I really like Jane Elliot 's writing , its fun and gets the serious stuff across but does it in a light way . Jasper really steals the show in the book , he 's so crazy jealous and gets off on revenge ( I want him as a friend ) . He is always up to something wicked and totally hilarious . If you want a light fun read , then Above All is a book to check out I am just so happy I took the chance and read it . Macklin and Caine are two truly endearing characters . They are portrayed with subtle complexities that keep you reading a tale that may at first appear to hold no interest to you . The ins and outs of sheep farming is not something I would describe myself as having an interest in , but that takes nothing away from this book . Tachna uses her two leading men to entice you into their world on the ranch and you begin to develop a genuine interest in their way of life , even in places where the detail into organic lamb raising probably goes beyond what you need to know . The development of the character Caine is one that progresses gradually and believably as he grows from uneasy city boy , out of his depth on the ranch , to respected and trust worthy ' boss ' . At the age of 32 , Caine is hardly a character that you would expect to show youthful traits of vulnerability and self - doubt , but this character is written in a way that perfectly balances out his relationship with Macklin . Whilst Caine is endearing to the reader as he tries to negotiate his way through learning the ways of the land in the middle of the outback and tries to adjust to the rules of his new surroundings , having moved from the liberal ' gaybourhood ' of Philadelphia , to the rather more reserved and judgemental circle of ' Jackeroos ' in Australia , his confidence in his sexuality and relationships balances out Macklin 's insecurities about being a gay man , in an open relationship , in a crowd that may not accept him . This story is beautifully written as you take Macklin and Caine into your heart as you try to understand their reasons for fighting with the other to find the right path for their love . Macklin in particular leaves a warm glow as he charms you with such nervousness and vulnerability , rebelling against the normal stereotype of the confident older man . Although his control in the bedroom leads to some sexy encounters , it never distracts the reader from his true nature , which is one of shyness and uncertainty about how to love Caine the way he deserves , whilst balancing his need to be respected by his ranch mates . Macklin is definitely a character with the power to make you weak at the knees . The only thing that stops me giving this book 5 out of 5 is the fact I wanted more . This book could have benefited from some chapters told from Macklin 's view point . Although Tachna uses Caine to explain the reasoning for Macklins behaviour , it 's not the same as truly getting into a characters head . That said however , every aspect of this book holds your attention , whether it 's the heart - warming love between the two leading men ( even when they don 't trust their own feelings ) , the beautiful tale of Caine trying to find his place in the world and meaning in his life , or the really hot sex . This book is a truly enjoyable read . 4 Pants Off Twenty - year - old Chris Simms is barely keeping his head above water . After losing his mother and his home , he struggles to provide for himself and his brother . When homophobes attack him , he thinks his life is over , but then he 's rescued gay . For Chris , Lang Downs is a dream - one that only gets better when Chris realizes the jackaroo he 's crushing on , Jesse Harris , is gay and amenable to a fling . Everything goes well until Chris realizes he 's falling for Jesse a lot harder than allowed by their deal . Jesse is a drifter who moves from station to station , never looking for anything permanent . Convinced Chris is too young and fragile for a real relationship , he sets rules to keep things casual . Watching the station owner and his foreman together makes Jesse wonder if there are benefits to settling down , but when he realizes how Chris feels about him , he panics . He and Chris will have to decide if a try for happiness is worth reading ' Inherit the Sky ' I opened this book unsure of what to expect . Having loved the previous book so much I was sceptical that a sequel , one based on new characters no less , could live up to the beauty of the first . How wrong I was to doubt Tachna 's talents . This book matches ' Inherit the Sky ' in every way , in its beauty , in its enchanting giving you snapshots from each individuals point of view , something that was missing from the first book , and something that pushes this story to the 5 out of 5 rating . You can enjoy this book whole heartedly having not read the first instalment . Tachna makes sure to include enough of the back story that you don 't miss anything , but in a way that has enough subtly , that a reader coming off of ' Inherit the Sky ' feels no repetitiveness from the characters . I was thoroughly elated to see Macklin and Caine 's story continue and progress throughout this book . I had concerns their story would be left behind to open up for the new characters , but I needn 't have worried . This book has been crafted beautifully to satisfy the burning want you will have coming off of the previous book , to know how Macklin and Caine 's love has weathered , but to also completely envelop you in the lives of the new characters , Jesse and Chris . Jesse and Chris are most accurately described as the new generation on the station . Not due to their age ( Jesse is 28 and has been around the block a few times when it comes to sheep farming ) no , they are the new generation when it comes to their love story . They mirror Macklin and Caine for the rough path they have to take to find happiness , but have their own struggles to make them independent from Macklin and Caines story . That said however , the love in this book is more than just the love between Jesse and Chris , or they guide the young couple . It warms your heart as you notice the subtle gestures that show the other men on the station are learning to push past their own comfort barrier to see the happiness of these ' young ' men , even when Jesse and Chris seem to be incapable of finding out for themselves what the other needs . You are equally captivated by the older generations love as you are the younger . You read eagerly as they both find themselves fighting different insecurities , and you breathe an equal sigh of relief when Macklin faces his fears as you do when Jesse faces his . This book becomes something more than the first , as you are allowed more of an insight into the personal motives of each character , and you learn more about their own fears , as they each get their chance to speak . You get to see how the characters you loved from the first book have grown into an almost unshakable force , outside of the couple , into the wider relationship of a group of Jackeroos on the station . The love of an adoptive family warms the page just as much as the love between the two couples does . This is another masterpiece by Tachna , a beautiful story that focuses on all examples of love and what it can take for a person to feel secure . Even in the intimate moments of ' love making ' between the couples , the reader is not distracted by what would appear to be ' hot sex ' , instead you focus on the emotion behind each act , elevating this book beyond one of lust , to one of romance , compassion and love . why his relationship with Scott went downhill overnight . For weeks , he 's been trying to get the other man to talk to him , but Scott is distant - most of the time he just ignores Riley completely . It isn 't until a mutual acquaintance arrives at their home that Riley understands Bittersweet Dreams title : It 's an unfortunate truth : love doesn 't always conquer all . Regardless of its strength , sometimes fate intervenes , tragedy strikes , or forces conspire against it . These stories of romance do not offer a traditional happy ending , but the strong and enduring love will still touch your heart and maybe move you to tears . I suddenly received the silent treatment . From one day to the next , Scott stopped touching me , stopped talking to me . He never listened to anything I said , just stalked off . Nothing I did could placate him , absolutely nothing . Even the slightest touch made him jerk away whatever body part I dared to touch . His dark - blue eyes blazed at me , the furious expression on his face sending shivers up and down my spine . Never in our entire time as a couple had he looked at me this way . It was almost … hostile . It broke my heart , literally . I felt it shattering into tiny little pieces , every shred of it piercing through me , making it difficult to breathe , to think , to be . Somehow , I managed . Though it became harder every time he pulled away from me . The more he withdrew from me , the more I clung , or tried to cling . I can 't say I grew indifferent to his rejection , but I lived with it . His sadness added to my concern . Scott came home and went straight to the sofa in the living room , where he spent hours staring into nothingness . It scared the living hell out of me . This wasn 't the Scott I knew . The Scott I knew and loved would never ignore me , nor would he ever let a fight get out of hand . In the beginning of our relationship I had been , uh , a tad on the campy side . Whenever something hit me the wrong way , I stomped or flounced off , expecting Scott to follow me and beg me for forgiveness . He never did . He did , however , tell me to grow up and come back to him when I was ready for a serious relationship . I wasn 't impressed and vowed never to talk to him again . I avoided him as much as possible , an achievement in itself since we shared a He waited for me behind the door , pulled me in a tight embrace , and carried me over to his bed . There , he dropped me and lowered himself on top of me . " We do not run out on each other , Riley , is that clear ? " didn 't budge an inch . Leisurely , he grasped both my wrists in one hand and put them above my head . The first time he did this , I struggled madly , only to end up crying that I didn 't want him to leave me while at the same time battling against the horrible feeling of embarrassment . " I 'm not going to leave you and the same goes for you . You 're it for me . " He said it with so much conviction , so much compassion , that I burst into tears . Scott was all I 'd ever wanted . He was fun to be around , had an easygoing attitude , and it didn 't hurt that he had a body to die for . I never got what he saw in me . I was a whole head shorter than him , skinny , and never found the time to get a haircut , which naturally led to my curls growing into a barely tamable mane . " You can 't say something like that , " I whined . " We 're only nineteen . All nineteen - year - olds promise each other to stay together forever . It never works . " " That 's not true and even if it were , then we 'll be the exception to the rule . " " You can 't just - " He silenced me with a kiss . He deepened the kiss and the whole incident ended in us doing more fun stuff . I still flipped from time to time , but after a few months I stopped running . Scott told me he was proud of me when I stayed for the first time . I jumped him for that , muttering , " I don 't get why you put up with me . " " I have a thing for drama queens , " he deadpanned . For a fleeting second his comment hurt , then I discovered the mischievous twinkle in his eyes . " Asshole . " be jealous . It was merely the way other guys or girls looked at him , the open hunger in their eyes . The man was mine and mine alone . I never failed to make this clear to whoever dared to sidle up too close to him . made a show of batting my lashes at him , all fake innocence . " I don 't know what you 're talking about , Scotty . Aren 't you the one who always tells me I 'm the prettiest thing you ever saw ? " " You 're a scamp . " I gasped in shock , put my hands above my heart , and widened my eyes before I gazed up at him . " Me ? You 're wounding me . " " I am ? Hmm , would it help if I tell you that you 're the prettiest scamp I 've ever seen ? " " I don 't know , big guy , I really don 't know . " Scott pulled me into his arms , kissed me thoroughly , and asked , " You made up your mind now ? " " Yeah , I 'm keeping you even if you suck at giving compliments . " That Hello . I hope you guys had a fabulous week once again . There is a lot of awesome coming this , giveaways and mostly every book this week is a 4 Pants Off or more . It has been some good readings of late . So stop by , say hi , and try to get your win on . found dead . The Brotherhood of the Black Rose seeks to ensure the Basilisk is destroyed forever , while the Order of the White Rose searches desperately for a way to restore him . The latest mortal incarnation of the Lost God of Death is Prince Culebra , the Basilisk Prince . Plagued by assassins , one lover dead and the other gone , Culebra I once again don 't have the words to describe the amazingness of this series and the excellence of this book . Megan Derr has again created a wonderful book filled with adventure , hot loving , and some of the most amazing characters I have ever read . There is never a dull moment and before you know it , the book will be over far sooner than you wanted it to . Prince Culebra lives a lonely existence , as the reincarnation of the Basilisk god ; he is both feared and revered . He is also blind , his eyes hid behind bandages because for him to see the world many will have to die . In all factuality , he has a kill stare . There always are assassins out to get him and they have failed miserable because how can you mess with someone who has an affinity for snakes . Let 's , just say that Culebra is one protected prince . Doesn 't mean he 's unreachable it just means it takes the best to finally get to him . The story then moves by introducing us to many characters whose life somehow intertwine . I think this is the where the authors skill lies . She can wield an intricate story line that always manages to come together with a bang . I really do not want to give anything away because the fun lies in finding out everything about this series , and with each book a bigger piece of the puzzle finally comes together but there are still always smaller pieces missing ( leads to anticipation for the next book ) . As I said , a very character driven series , and this one had some of the most exciting characters yet . I really am in love with everyone , even the slithering scaly beauties . A female lead has a strong presence in the book , which I am just jumping out of my pants for . I am very happy about the ménage relationship because it works and makes me happy , and I am completely bias to it . This leads me to the loving . The sex scenes are never explicit , and there aren 't that many but don 't worry you wont miss them * gasp * did I just write that . I know this wont really count as a review , but I am singing Stone Rose praises so . . . it definitely means you need to check this serious out . Every book plays like a movie in my head , and I am just in love with the The Lost Gods world . Another wonderful story by the very fabulous Megan Derr . Paul 's been called many things - graduate student , humanities tutor , jock - hater , even broke - but " forgiving " isn 't one of them . When the new women 's softball coach at Calapooya college specifically requests Paul to tutor his athletes , Paul 's forced to put aside his strict " no athletes " policy for the sake of his paycheck . Enter Trevor Gardiner , former Major League Baseball player and Paul 's high school boyfriend . Yeah , that one - the guy But Trevor 's come out and retired from baseball , and now he 's looking for forgiveness and a second chance . There 's no earthly reason Paul should give him one , but he keeps letting the man state his case . And touch him . And take him sailing . The waters are far from smooth , though , and Paul says awful things to Trevor he isn 't sure he means . Now Frat , Boy , and Toppy left me in stitches , and after the scene with the hairbrush , I wondered how Anne Tenino would top that . Love , Hypothetically is just as funny , sexy , and offers up the same amount of emotional story . Yes , it 's funny as feck but its darn god sweet , it made me all gooey inside and I devoured the whole book in about two hours . Paul was introduced in book one of the series and I am not gonna pretend . He was a colossal asshole , and he is still an asshole but of the most awesome kind . Paul uses words to cut a person down to size ; he 's cynical and a bit dark . He also has this unusual hate for all things jock . He don 't want one , he don 't like them around , and mostly he doesn 't trust them . You see his hatred is a personal one , and his hurt is transferred to anyone who wears a jock strap and put their feet in runners . When the man who created his jock phobia comes , walking back in his life Paul hides behinds his sharp tongue and I don 't give an eff attitude . How do you move on from your first love outing you and offering you up to the sharks . You do not . So nine years later Paul cannot forgive Trevor . Even if it is love , it 's hypothetical after all . Can I just say that I am head over heels in love with Paul . He is so much fun and genuine in his bitterness . I never once found him annoying and understood his apprehension in jumping into a relationship with Trevor . Some say leave the past behind , but sometimes the past can shape a persons future . This rings true of Paul , he doesn 't have a trustful bone in his body and even keeps his friends from getting too close . Trevor is your typical male character ; he 's sweet , sexy , and is going a bit bald ( wait , that isn 't typical at all ) . Together both he and Paul provide an entertaining and sexy read . Love , Hypothetically is a quick fun filled read , and it felt like visiting old friends . It 's been awhile since I laughed with such joy from reading a book , and gems like these don 't come along often . I recommend you read this book for the high entertainment value and the stellar writing . I wish I had more eyes so I could read more Anne Tenino , obviously someone decided only two is enough , pffft . Recommended ! ! ! British national Greg Stephens knew there would be challenges in his new relationship with handsome American Navy officer Danny Taylor : long distance ; Don 't Ask , Don 't Tell ; the Defense of Marriage Act ; US immigration … . But he didn 't anticipate his greatest obstacle : Danny 's born - again Christian mother , Vivien . A secretary in a small - town Southern Baptist church in Texas , she bristles at Greg 's secular beliefs . Through passive - aggressive manipulation , subtle deceit , or outright battle , Vivien resolves to banish Greg and return Danny to the fold , come hell or high water . Greg 's hold on Danny 's heart is pitted against Vivien 's crusade for Danny 's soul . All the while , Greg devotes himself to keeping Danny happy while negotiating the cultural differences of his life in America . Danny 's new career as a lawyer takes them from his native Texas to New York . But with Vivien testing Greg 's stiff upper lip the ever loved English wit ( yes I 'm English , yes I 'm bias , lets all move on and enjoy the book shall we ) . Hogben 's writing is sharp and funny throughout this book making it a truly enjoyable read , one that I tore through in a mere four hours . The story of Greg and Danny is something of an underdog tale , the underdog being their relationship and the chance for a happy ever after . If it is isn 't enough that they are kept apart by the Atlantic ocean they have a right wing , bible bashing , Southern Baptist nut of a mother getting in their way . Greg and Danny meet on a Military site and their ' lust ' for each other is almost instant . The way that Hogben has written bring welcome relief from all the tension created by the underlying worry that the happiness can 't last for Greg . This book isn 't filled with sex ( I know , BOO ! ) but in its place you have pure chemistry between Danny and Greg . These characters are a true example of love and companionship as they interact with adorable mocking and tenderness … and lust . It is a relationship that the reader can invest in and picture a future for them , which keeps you desperately reading as you pray this GOD FORSAKEN women will be taken down . Greg the other person before yourself and above all , finding a way to make love work in a world that doesn 't always give you a chance . Read , laugh , and enjoy . ~ you may want to hold onto the fact this is semiautobiographical as you read through some of this story … bloody hell . ~ Consent . It 's a touchy subject , one of those things that can make or break a story for a lot of people . Is that no really a no ? Is tha . . . Long or short - what 's your preference ? Oh . My . God . Get your mind out of the gutter . Oh wait , we 're at a review site that promotes pant . . . Hello ! My name is J . K . Pendragon , and this post is to promote my new novel the Gentleman and the Rogue which comes out today at Less . . .

The piece below is one reader 's comments to my blog post about back pain . I post it here because I think she not only raises a crucial question about the caregiver 's responsibility , but she does so with great awareness , openness , and articulateness . And she is asking for support and advice . So please , if this piece speaks to you , help her out by sharing your experiences and ideas . ( btw - she gave me permission to repost her comments here ) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My husband and I have been married 18 years . He was in a car accident 12 years ago that left him with chronic back pain . After several surgeries he was left with a failed fusion . We seemed to muddle through our new life ok for a while . But as of late I see him diminishing so much mentally . We have two children that he simply does not have the " energy to parent " and my emotional needs were put on the back burner many years ago . I have voiced all of this to him repeatedly over the last three years but nothing seems to have the status that his pain has in his life . I am 38 and he has basically turned our bedroom into the extent of his accessible world . Recently he went past my limit and I had to ask him to leave . He has been living at another house for over a month . I just feel so empty of patience for him . I feel so uncomfortable about making him get out of his comfort zone . But at what point do you just give up when your partner can not or will not see past their own nose ? He is seeing a counselor and is on antidepressants since he left . He has always suffered from some level of depression but of course it is very severe at this time . He is upset with me that I am calling all the shots . However when someone withdraws form life like he has , they force you into that position . You become the only one that is able to fill the car up with gas or make appointments or pay bills . Every aspect of life outside the house becomes your area . I am wondering if between the medication , depression and pain ( his counselor tellPosted by Barbara , your poster is far from being alone in her plight . On the Well Spouse Association Forum ( http : / / wellspouse . org / forums ) the cry of " Enough ! " is heard from many spousal caregivers . Back pain can be intractable and severe , and as such , can cause depression in the ill spouse . For myself , as a well spouse , I find depression in my ill partner to be much more difficult to handle emotionally than physical illness . I have to believe many other spousal caregivers feel that way too . The term " well spouse " really refers to a spousal caregiver who has done whatever they can to regain balance in their life , and to have some part of their life reserved for respite , and personal interests not involving caregiving . Your poster , it seems , was not able to achieve this balance with her husband . I am not sure whether he was treated for depression , or even if it could have helped . CoDA It 's O . K . to look after yourself and your needs . Healthy boundary drawing is essential to happy , healthy relationships . Caretaking can also very much be enabling . I recently lost my brother who had a stroke 3 years ago . His wife divorced him as soon a he got out of the hospital . She was not supportive from the beginning . I and others offered help but she refused - she just wanted out . The poster sounds much different . I would caution to not refuse and in fact , actively seek help in dealing with the ill spouse . He is hurting in more ways than one and will not understand abandonment . The poster will feel guilty as well for abandoning her husband - and rightfully so . He doesn 't want to be this way . Unfortunately it takes a rocket scientist to figure out what to do . To start , involve others in the caregiving process . Some pain relieving strategies include an osteopathic manipulative therapist , aggressive and frequent professional massage therapy , an outstanding chiropractor , physical therapy and recreational therapy . If he refuses , do only what you can and keep your own life going . This doesn 't have to involve abandonment . I can definitely relate . My husband was left paraplegic in a car accident 6 years ago . I love him so much but frequently I am so overwhelmed . I have a very stressful job and two busy young children . Care of the house , children , shopping , homework , school meetings , and over all the ripping and running falls to me . Most of the time I feel like an only parent . It is rough . For the first 5 1 / 2 years I wouldn 't go off for too long ( even on Saturdays ) and going out of town was out of the question . The guilt that I felt at " having a life " was and still is hard . Even the children 's lives have been stunted as a result of the accident . Now , we go a " little " more - very little - and I worry the whole time I 'm gone . I don 't know what to do or how to cope with this . Especially since I was always use to going places and doing things before the accident . It 's almost as if I was paralyzed at the same time he was 6years ago . To make matters worse , I have a very active libido . Of course , that part of our marriage ended at the point of impact . Although most people won 't believe it , I have remained faithful to my husband because of my love for him and God . However , that doesn 't that I have what I call my " hot " flashes . Right now , I am so at the point of saying Enough is Enough ! But , by the grace of God and much prayer I am able to keep going . God has preserved our marriage and I 'm grateful . I have a husband who has been ill for 7 years now . He has chronic lung problems which doctors address the best they can . He has an infection that could be passed on to me . We live in the same house , but there is no intimacy or love . There is no physical contact and the conversation , if it exists , is only about the kids or informational . He is often moody , so to keep the peace I usually just go along with things and say nothing . Best if I don 't say anything than to say the wrong thing and get yelled at . He will often critize me in front of the kids . I work and try to take care of bills and the kids , never knowing when he will get worse . I long for a husband to just care for me . He blames me for our relationship failures , that it is my fault . How can I get away ? I am so tired of being the " good " wife . First off let me say that I am the ill spouse so my perspective is from that reality . When one spouse becomes ill or hurt , it is a no win situation . Everyone cannot have their needs met it is impossible . There are so many issues and dynamics that need to be shifted and it takes a very long time for that shift to happen . My husband and I almost didn 't make it as many do not in this situation . We now have a system that works for us and for the most part it is enough . For the early years in our marriage , my husband suffered with depression and I was the one to do the caretaking . But that is what a marriage is , give and take , in sickness and in health . I wonder , if it was a child that became sick or injured how would the responses be different . It seems to me that if a child becomes sick no matter what the age , there is no question that the caretaking parent will move heaven and earth to take care of the child . So why not the same with a spouse ? I personally see no difference . Thank you for your comment Melissa . I think the point you make about marriage being about creating equilibrium as the sands shift from under you is an important one . And I admire the level of commitment you write about - that care of your spouse should be of the same degree as the care you would offer your child . Achieving that is another story for many . Also - your comment led me to your blog , and I thank you for that . Your blog is amazing , and I hope others find their way to it . I have been married for 22 years . After almost a year of constant complaining of stomach pain my husband was diagnosed with cancer . The emotional and financial aspects of this situation are overwhelming . I am hoping we don 't lose our home and to boot I have three teenagers . My husband is withdrawn and the only people he talks to are his sisters and his moma and brother . I have no sexual or conversation with him . He doesn 't talk about anything and I feel dead with my eyes open . I can 't stand to hear him on the phone complaining about himself all the time . I want to scream what about ME ? I then feel selfish but I feel like my live is over . Does anyone relate to this . I want to divorce but what type of person does that make me ? ? Anonymous - thank you for commenting with such honesty . I can hear your scream over the internet and truly feel for your misery . I think there are many people who wind up in desperate situations when it comes to dealing with an ill partner . I can only urge you to find some support for yourself - - family , friends , or a therapist . This is too hard a load to carry alone . That is so very sad . Unfortuately , I am the ill partner of my marriage . The extra stress & responsibility put upon my husband has been overwhelming . To make matters worse - before I became ill , I was the " go - getter " always taking care of any and everything . Now , I am capable of very little . I have horrible guilt , despite the fact that I did not intentionally become ill or do anything to cause it . The guilt has brought me to the point of offering to leave so that he could have the opportunity to have " a normal life , and a normal relationship . " I don 't know what the answer to this issue is whether you are the ill or the well spouse - each has it 's own frustration and pain . Incidently , my husband states that he loves me no matter what and does not want me to leave . That is not to say he copes well , as many times he doesn 't and " loses it . " Bottom line : It is a tough situation for all parties and one that we so wish we could change . . . I am the well caregiver , and my husband of 20 years has blood cancer . One year after the bone marrow transplant , he is now back to being pretty high functioning . While he was very ill and in the middle of the transplant , I had to send my young children to live with my sister , as his needs consumed all my time . I resented it then and honestly I still work on forgiveness . I try to remember to blame cancer , and not my husband . After most of the physical recovery , the depression and emotional recovery remained . I echo others ' sentiments when I say the emotional aftermath was far more difficult than the physical stuff . there were times when he was so mean , disrespectful , and baltantly unsafe with the children that I lived elsewhere , commuting in to care for the kids . Lots of therapy & online support groups have helped and we now have a ' new normal . ' I am a wife and mother , but also a woman , and i have needs too . I try to forgive myself for doing what i 've done : sending my kids away , & having a discrete affair . Best of luck to all of us as we struggle , this is a very hard situation with no easy answers . I am the " well " caregiver and I can relate to several of your comments . I can tell you that that the least of my worries is sexual . . . not even close . I have a husband that has serveral chronic illnesses . I am a strong committed woman and sad to say - I feel like I am being broken . I too have reached a point that perhaps I need not be in the picture . He is not happy with anything , he doesn 't want to be compiant to help himself and is very arrogant and mean to our daughter of 22 who still lives at home as well as the animals . We are in counseling . He does not like to talk about what is happening . He needs to have a rappore wtih at least two or three of his doctors to have his numbers monitored - unless prompted and even then . . . does not do . He is enough to push me over the edge . I have so much frustration and anger . I am not angry because he is ill . . . I am angry because he does not and will not remove his blinders to see or take the time to learn or take the time to do ! If the man could understand that he is pushing away whatever family he has down to the dogs that it doesn 't have to be this way ! Try to take each day at a time and enjoy what time you could possibly have left instead of pushing your loved ones away and making them feel guilty or better yet . . . so they don 't even want to be with him . I have done everything to help and it is killing me silently to watch him do this to himself because he doesn 't care at all about anyone and most of all he doesn 't care about himself Gail - thanks for your open and articulate comments . I 'm sure many caretakers will resonate with your words . It sounds like there is very little left in your relationship that provides you with nourishment . I am sorry for that and for the resulting anger and emptiness . I hope you are finding sources of connection and joy in other areas of your life - friends , family , animals . ( btw - - do you know about Wellspouse . org ? ) I wish you strength and sources of contentment . gail , I can sort of relate . My husband was in a serious car accident near twenty years ago . Since then , he has had four hip replacements , etc . He has not worked for four years , now . I work really hard , physically at the job I do to keep us afloat . In all of this time off , he has turned into an alcoholic . He does absolutely nothing , and is physically and mentally suffering to a point that the doctor said that I should be prepared to call an ambulance at short notice . He does not want to help himself , he has turned our son against him , and I am really scared about our finances . He tells me nothing . Is there any way that I can do this " power of attorney thing " I just don 't know from day to day whether our power will be cut , the bills are paid , or Anything . Tonight I stumbled upon this webpage . I 've been married for 43 years . In all those years , three were considered " normal " . When my husband was 30 years old he was given narcotics for an injury he had sustained and every since prescription drug addiction has become the " master " of our home . At 37 years old he was diagnosised with Rhuematoid arthritis which made it even more convenient for him to abuse pain meds . He has had every joint in his body replaced . Now he is showing signs of mental illness . Our children are grown and I am the only caregiver . For years I was hopeful he would get better , but now realize that at 71 years old he is an invalid . At times he can 't feed himself , put on his clothing , clean himself . At times he refuses to even try to do things for himself . I 'm so tired physically and emotionally . He acts so rude to the nursing staff when he goes to rehab , won 't eat and unless I see him everyday , he becomes angry with me and aggressive towards the staff . I doing my best to stay hopeful but each year it is getting more and more difficult . He tries to invoke guilt upon me if I complain of exhaustion . I use to be able to get to church or shopping , now he gets questions my every move . After reading the postings , I know that I am not alone and I must keep being hopeful that somehow , someday things will get better by the grace of God . Married 36 years and the last 7 years my husbend has been a parapaligic due to a mass on his spinal cord . There are TWO victoms here . Him and I , and I feel like I am paralized right in the middle of my life . I wish I were the one dying or dead . I was not happily married to him before his surgery and I was waiting for the kids to at least be in college befor I left the marriage . Now I am stuck taking care of a man who hit me and verbaly abused me up until the day he got sick . Now I do it to myself because I am too much of a whimp to leave him . Thank you for letting me say this out loud , my mom died 6 years ago and I have no one to hear my pain . If you can relate to my situation please reply to carmen99 @ rocketmail . com Anonymous - I am sorry that you are in such an untenable situation . I don 't see you as wimpy at all . It takes huge fortitude just to deal as best we can with long term chronic care on top of all the rest life throws at us . I hope you do have other family or community support for yourself . You need it and deserve it . One online organization is http : / / www . wellspouse . org / I hope this new year brings you peace . i have married to a guy who has multiple sclerosis . as u said above he too is completely obile but his life is stagnant . I decided to leae as i jus couldnt take it anymore . i was feeling past hurt , past lonely and past frustrated . My husband and I were not so good before his illness . Now , I am seeing the therapist . ( I was told that I was sick in the head ) Just trying to deal with the anger and stress of hanging on for the both of us . His limits are convenient to the extent of his desire to do whatever the task my be & I completely understand that his pain is very much living thing that has a life of it 's own . So there will be good days & bad days . I have health problems of my own & choose to embrace the good times & build my strength for the bad days . He has made a choice to miserable which just absolutely pisses me off . At this point he will say black if I say white . Because I dont know what he 's going through . There 's some truth to that . I cannot understand the willingness to do nothing to change your situation . Yes , he is depressed and refuses to take any medication or go the therapy , etc . The doctor orders a test and he automatically states that it 's too expensive and he doesnt want to go into debt . GRRRRRRR . . . . This comment from anonymous was mistakenly not posted . Here is is : I 've been married for nearly ten years now . Five years ago , my husband was diagnosed with epilepsy . No one told me about the mental and emotional changes that would come with his seizures . He is n ot the man I married . He 's moody , dismissive , self centered . He takes for granted that I 'll be there , no matter what happens . He 's emotionally abusive . He lacks empathy or compassion for me . Sometimes , basic respect is too much to ask . The change was so sudden , I thought I was imagining things . I 've found similar stories from other caregivers . The one thing I haven 't found , is hope that it 'll change . I try to remain steadfast , but he doesn 't touch me unless its the three times a year that he wants sex and I miss affection . I miss kindness . I miss my husband . I don 't know if I can stay much longer without being unfaithful . I 've begun telling myself that I only have to remain until the end of his life , because believing that this will eventually end his life actually helps me stay . I feel like s terrible person . . . Like I 'm hoping for it . No one will help me care for him . I already tried one to take my own life . I couldn 't leave , but I couldn 't stay . I love my husband . I just don 't think I can live Posted by Anonymous I have been married for 19 years this August . My wife during most of that time has been complaining of this illness , or that illness , but mostly GI issues . She has been tested for Crohns , Ciliac , and many others and all have come up negative . She still constantly complains of stomach pain and says things , in front of our children like " It would be kinder if I just died . " I don 't think she is making her pain up ; she has been diagnosed with high enzyme levels in her pancreas , Kidney Stones , and high blood pressure which the Doctor accounts on the pain . because of her many allergies , there are few medications she can take for her pain . She is currently suffering from a Bladder infection but is allergic to every antibiotic used to treat it and the specialist can 't get her in for a month . She is under 80 pounds . I AM SO FRUSTRATED ! I know it isn 't her fault , but I can 't help being angry . I have 3 kids that need me to keep it together and I job that I have to keep since I am the family 's only source of income . I feel guilty for being resentful , but I am . I just wish she wouldn 't whine all the time and blame me for not caring , not helping , etc . . . . I often avoid being around her on purpose . Thanks for letting me vent . Sadly , it 's not uncommon for the illness to wrap the couple relationship around it 's nasty finger . Illness , especially if pain and exhaustion are present , can consume way too much of your life force . The ill partner can become focused on the illness , at the expense of relationships with partner , children and friends . The well partner can become more and more remote as s / he tries to hold onto normalcy . And both partners can wind up blaming each other - for everything . Underneath these scenarios run such deep fear and anger that often the couple avoids these feelings , but at great cost . It is natural to want to suppress such hurtful emotions - but they tend to seep out , and often in subversive ways . How many of us have screamed at a jar lid that won 't come off , or at a medication with side effects , or at a partner for not making it all better ( even though both of you are trying as hard as you can ) . What can you do ? No easy answers here - because your situations are just not easy . You can try directing your anger and fear at the illness ; or sitting silently , side - by - side , and summoning your compassion for each other and your appreciation of the qualities you each possess . You can try individual or couples therapy . I 'd like to ask you to try one thing . That is - - be as compassionate and gentle as you can with yourself . You are doing the best you can , every day . If the illness has overtaken most of the kindness around you - it may sound cliche , but do try to be understanding and validating of yourself . That too can become subversive and spread . I have a couple different perspectives , I hope at least one can be helpful . My mom is depressed , and through the years kept retreating into herself further and further . She went from being an amazing woman to refusing to get out of bed & needing to be told to take a shower . She wouldn 't go to the dr or make an appt . My father did all the house & yard work , child rearing , EVERYTHING . She was fully functional and simply refused to get help , to do anything . Dad was more than a single parent , he also had , in effect , a toddler who would never grow up . At what point is that enabling ? What if he left and she HAD to do it by herself ? She 's certainly capable ! What about HIS life ? How is that fair to him ? After nearly a decade , he started living his life to a degree . He would hang out with friends , but still be home on time to cook dinner & run the household . After a couple years , my MOM ASKED HIM for a divorce - she felt " abandoned " . Two years have gone by & she is still depressed , but shops , cooks , cleans , etc . Even has a couple friends . My father has his life back and couldn 't be happier . I think the poster was completely right . Her husband was ABLE , but had withdrawn & refused . By allowing it to continue , she was enabling him . I met my fiance 5 years ago . At the time I was healthy , aches and pains sometimes , but completely self sufficient . Two months later I went in for surgery . And then another . It still wasn 't fixed . My body was getting worse , I needed severl surgeries on several joints . I was eventually diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder , my body would keep deteriorating and there was nothing we could do . We were dating less than a year & I begged him to leave , he did not deserve a life as a care giver . I was stuck with this , but he had the whole world in front of him . He refused , swore to be by my side the whole way . Now my shoulder is fused and I 'll never be able to move my arm again , I 've had multiple spine surgeries , I have three more surgeries lined up this year , and am in a wheelchair . He 's been there throuJanuary 10 , 2015 at 3 : 26 PM You are all not alone . I feel sometimes that I have nothing else to give and have checked out emotionally . I stay with my husband because of our two boys . He suffers from chronic neck pain and barely holds on to his job . I feel so quilty fir feeling this way but I wonder what it would be like to be with someone healthy . . . . . My wife have been married for 43 years this month . I have been her sole care giver since her stroke 10 years ago . she has severe aphasia and needs full time assistance . I 've been fortunate to be able to work from home and have always been here for her . In sickness and health I will always take care of her . I have recently met a widow who was her huband 's caregiver for several years . She was still mourning his loss after 2 years when we met . She has been very supportive and we have mutual sports , and activity interests . My 3 married daughters think that she has changed me from cynical and depressed old man to a " real " person again . She helps me care for my wife and the three of us are able to go out together for dinner , shopping etc . Our friendship has become a love and we are still very sexual active . I have found that she has helped me have a better attitude toward my wife and I am able to care for her without feeling burdened . With her friendship with my daughters and wife I have no guilt in continuing this affair . We have a great relationship and I would never think of leaving eiher of the women in my life . May 20 , 2015 at 7 : 36 AM I have a severe arthritis in my neck , spinal stenosis with myelopathy and my husband is in denial . The symptoms cause me to lose my balance , weakness in both legs , pain in back of neck and creeping paralysis . I take only Aleve for the pain and use heating pads . The treatment is surgery ( ACDF ) . My husband is in denial , he tells me I am lazy and just need " therapy . " He is not supportive , screams and yells when something is not done , etc . I have had to cut my diet to avoid gaining weight since I can 't walk too far due to my condition . I am 5ft 4in , 140 lbs and above average in attractiveNess for my age , over 50 . I am well read , have a good sense of humor when he 's not belittling me and doing the best I can . I told him to call a lawyer if he hates being married to me so much . He is making me lose the will to live , he is so condescending to me . He has told me it was my imagination that I was experiencing neurological symptoms . He can 't deal with a less than perfect wife . He says nasty things one minute and then he acts like nothing happened and wonders why I don 't come to bed at night . He has destroyed my self esteem . I asked for nothing from him except understanding and support . At the end of my rope . Never had suicidal ideation till this happened , he makes me feel worthess . Anonymous - who has two special women in his life - - serious illness upsets all the balances in our main relationships . It 's a real testament to your commitment and caring that you have found a new balance that gives the energy you need to be the caring person you are . Anonymous - whose husband is mean to her - - clearly your relationship with your husband has ground you down . And it 's hard enough living with pain and impaired mobility ! It sounds like , in opposition to your husband 's claims that you are " lazy " or that this is your " imagination , " - - you are working extremely hard to cope with your condition and the toxicity in your relationship . You need support - from friends , relatives , your community , a counselor . You need someone on your side who can be a voice of love and compassion and understanding . And it sounds like you also need some kind of emotional plexiglass shield to protect you from his " nastiness . " And if you are thinking about suicide - that 's understandable . But if you are thinking about committing suicide , please , please seek help . You are too important ! I 'm not sensing this - but is it at all possible for your husband to get help ( probably professional help ) to better understand your health status , and to work through his own issues and feelings ; and to get his own source of support ? I wish you peace . To those who feel trapped and abused by finding yourself married to a person who is sick and disabled . I am so sorry . I would beg you to feel that you can leave the marriage without guilt . No compassionate person - spouse , friend or family member - can legitimately fault you for changing your situation . There is no reason that two people have to suffer needlessly because one is disabled . The sick spouse is not the person you married and not the person you planned your life with . The huge change that has come to your disabled spouse has also come to you . Neither of your lives will be what you planned . Being sick brings out the whiny , shelf - absorbed parts of a person . Hurting makes everything else of small importance . That is what the disabled person is thinking about . You must do your own thinking . I give this advise from the sick bed . I have been chronically ill and disabled for 35 years . My husband has stayed with me and supported me even though I was just becoming so sick that I was disabled , when he married me . We didn 't plan 35 years of my being ill . For many years we thought that I would somehow recover , and I think my husband thought that I would die . We were constantly talking , working and planning for my improvement . But that didn 't happen . Now , even though I am grateful that my husband has stayed with me , I wish he had not . I feel the burden of having restricted his life . He feels a great deal of resentment , but tries to hide it . At the same time I have not ever adjusted to my disabled life . I am still , 35 years later a dependent . So what I am trying to say is that it does not end up good for either person . The sick person has to feel obliged that the other spouse doesn 't leave . The sick person is always the person back in the bedroom , and has ceased to be a human being in his / her own right . This leads to resentment . The well spouse feels resentment for obvious reasons . These are not issues that can be worked through or analyzed away . They are in the very nature of the relationship . That is in the best scenaAugust 19 , 2015 at 4 : 24 PM I just found this blog yesterday . I am a mid 50 's male and my wife suffers from multiple complications which have little to no chance of improvement . It is good to know there are supportive areas like this as I don 't believe that anyone around me can know how I feel . I have been her caretaker for several years . Our intimate life is gone now for over 2 years . I am in excellent shape with the libido of someone half my age . Problem is that I love her very much and I feel selfish having my needs , and I don 't want to betray the vows we made before God . I know a lot would say to " take care of myself " , but it is not the same . Hi all I am 48 . My husband started getting ill when I was 40 . After many tests , doctors , trips to mayo clinic he was diagnosed with rare poems syndrome . He had stem cell transplant 3 years ago but never returned to good health . He 's on disability . Once active , now hardly leaves house because he 's constantly fatigued , gets confused and recently severe vertigo and can 't really drive . So I do most everything . We have two teens . I 'm tired . Miss my husband and find this very difficult . To Melissa who posted in 2009 that it should be same as caring for your child I strongly disagree ! There 's a loss of intimacy , change of roles . Of course unconditional love but really ? I miss planning fun things , we can 't do what used to . I miss him being parent he once was . My kids don 't remember him as anything but ill . My son obsesses he will get same disease or cancer . I am trying hard , get help but am bone tired . And he doesn 't require the physical demands as others mentioned . I too get sick hearing others talk of trips , problems planning vacations . I 'm jealous and yearn for men I see active , running errands , doing fun stuff . And my husband is good man , not his fault he 's got this disease . But like caring for child ? No . No way . I too feel selfish having my needs . Told my husband I want to do things , travel , he says I have to go alone because he can 't that hurts . What do you do ? It 's not same as child , because expectations and hopes different . Hi Liz , I posted the comment on 12 / 23 / 15 , and I completely understand as it is exactly the same for me . My wife cannot do what she used to 5 years ago . I miss the person she used to be . I too feel guilty for having my needs . I 'm 54 however I am still very much alive and active , but taking care of her and 2 teenage kids can wear anyone down . I wish you the best . HT I feel so guilty reading all of these stories and comparing them to mine . My spouse 's illness should be partially ( perhaps mostly ) reversed within a year or so . My husband had an unfortunate accident breaking both of his legs last month . We have had temporarily retrofit the main floor of our home with a hospital bed , remove doors etc to suit his situation . I guess my resentment may stem from our less than perfect marriage , it has just been intensified by this life circumstance . I work full time in a very stressful environment and have barely been able to hang on to my sanity . I was in fact preparing to take an illness leave due to my inability to cope with what is already on my plate . My sanity now has to wait since someone has to pay the bills and take care of both my special children . I have always believed my husband to be physically careless , putting himself in harms way , not considering the long term ramifications of that ( what about his wife and children ? ? ) This is not his first preventable accident . For a very bright individual , he has made selfish choices . We have 2 children with special needs , one has low functioning autism and this accident has just put even more stress on an already compromised family dynamic . I suppose I may be in a better position to deal with this hurdle if all the stars had aligned and our marriage and children and jobs were perfect , but unfortunately fate does not discriminate . I apologize for ranting about what may not seem like an such a big problem , and can 't begin to feel other poster 's long term suffering . I just feel some amount of relief being able to share my feelings with other people that can relate . Hello anonymous . Firstly - I don 't accept your apology . Your circumstances , and the stress you are under deserve as much compassion as anyone 's . Hurt is hurt . Depletion is depletion . Disappointment is disappointment . Your experience matters , because it is yours . You write with much wisdom . Illness doesn 't fall on a blank slate . It falls squarely on the geography of our existing relationships and life circumstances . And they color our experience of the illness . It sounds like your circumstances were already difficult , and your husband 's condition , and your estimation of your husband 's inattention to safety make it all even harder . Yet , you have been coping . I 'm curious about the strengths in your universe . Clearly you have your own . What about other supports - human or animal or spiritual ? For some folks - who can 't lessen the stress of the illness , adding other sources of comfort and support can help . I am a mid - 50 's male with a wife that is very sick for the last 5 years with no chance of recovery , and no idea of how long she can go on in this condition . I have been supportive and faithful , however on the selfish side , I don 't know how long I can go without the intimacy . I pleasure myself occasionally , but then feel selfish for doing this . I don 't want to be unfaithful , but I really miss being with a partner ( she is not capable of anything ) . Is it wrong for me to have my needs ? Would it be wrong for me to seek some type of service , such as phone sex , to keep myself feeling human so I can continue to take care of her ? Hi Anonymous . You are certainly not the only caregiver in this situation . And your needs are human , and valid . I 'm going to point you to two discussions , that contain many wise voices . I suggest you read through the posts and the comments . I 'm sure they will help . After reading them , please share your reactions and ideas . http : / / insicknessinhealth . blogspot . com / 2011 / 07 / whatdo - you - do - when - illness - makes - sex . htmlhttp : / / insicknessinhealth . blogspot . com / 2016 / 02 / illness - and - sex . html Hi Barbara , After reading the links , I feel a little better , and don 't feel alone in my situation . I am not 100 % comfortable seeking intimacy elsewhere , because I don 't want to play with the emotions and feelings of another person . If only there was someone nearby experiencing the same , but that would be like finding a needle in a haystack . Again , this is something that will never improve , so this is a part of our relationship that will never happen again . So , I guess I should not feel bad if I need to take care of myself now and then ? I have to smile a bit at your comment about hating it when people say everything happens for a reason , etc . and wondering if other caregivers feel that way . Every caregiver I 've shared your comment with nods in vigorous agreement . And I know a lot of caregivers who would rather hear a recognition that this is damn hard work . My husband and I have been married 7 years and together for 13 . He has degenerative disc disease and several herniations in his thoracic and lumbar spine . This condition started just before we got married and has just gone downhill full force ever since . I can deal with the fact that he cannot work , that I have to go to most functions alone and I can deal with doing all the the chores and running around but I really can 't stand what his medication does to him . He 's constantly nodding out , unable to focus , and worst yet it only takes the edge off his pain so that he 's not just rolled up in a ball crying and screaming in agony . I miss my husband and yet while I morn that loss , I struggle everyday with how much more can I take and the selfish part of me that just wants to walk away . I love my husband and I can 't stand the thought of him having to go through this alone but I can 't help asking what about my life ? I know I 'll probably never leave but it 's a hard pill to swallow that my wants and needs are all completely on the back burner and that 's just supposed to be how it goes for us . April 24 , 2016 at 7 : 49 PM Thank you for sharing your story Anonymous . You have clearly been on your own edge , physically , mentally , and emotionally . I know I and many other readers not only feel for you , but feel with you - - having been living on our own edges . I want to underline that your experience of this illness matters as much as your husband 's . It lives in his body , but you are both suffering . I wonder about two things . Can you talk to your husband ( in a sharing not a blaming way ) about what this is like for you . You may benefit from the release of talking and he may benefit from the opportunity to support or hold you . Also - can you find oases of support or distraction elsewhere with friends , community , activity , meditation , writing ? I wish you peace . I do talk openly with my husband about my feelings and encourage him to share his fears or vent to me and it does make me feel better but at the same time even though I plainly tell him I don 't blame him or find him at fault he feels bad about me having to put up with it . Other people who are not in my situation don 't seem to understand and only offer up praise - " I don 't know how you do it , I would leave , you 're a good person for staying " or I get responses that just reiterate that they really don 't get it . I paint and read but it gets me through but some days are just a lot tougher than others to just let sleeping dogs lie . It 's like I 'm at the crossroad of the crossroad from time to time . I 'm strong but I wouldn 't wish this situation on my worst enemy after awhile it all just takes a toll . I thank you for your response and thank you for having posts like this because sometimes just reading about others and finding out everything I feel is normal is a huge help and comfort . April 25 , 2016 at 4 : 04 PM Dear poster , I 'm in a marriage of 18 years . And I married for better or worse , in sickness and in health . Ask yourself , did he ask for this condition ? Men are different than us . I 've watched my husband go from 20 - 0 , in no time when he had his bypass surgery and cudnt support his family . It tears them down to nothing , makes them feel less than a man . Maybe you guys Cudnt communicate that to each other . Or maybe you were just blind . Yes , his illnesses become yours , but if you love him the way you say you do . Wear his shoes for awhile before you throw stones . As we are deeply entrenched in a current " crisis " cycle in our 32 year marriage / 28 year illness my scrambling to " do something " led me to this website . . . To all of you - been there / felt that . I understand and am sorry for the hand you were dealt . My husband is the smartest person I have ever known . He is kind , loving , giving . Atrue gentleman . He is also talented - plays any instrument or song after 3 - 5 minutes , draws or paints , can get power or sound from anything electronic , etc . , etc . He will be " Rick " from TWD in the event of a technological breakdown . He went from being a soldier to sick overnight . His physical ailments and pain caused him to become bipolar in his mid 20 's . Now at 50 + I look back and can 't believe the storms we 've weathered over the years ! I am a very pragmatic introvert . He never met a stranger and is quite the charmer . What a pair ! I wish I had answers for you all . I can say this . . . We 're going to live until we die . We 've made it this far , I 'll be damned if I 'm quitting now . I will do the best I can everyday . I tell my husband " I love you anyway , my Drear " . ( Spelling is intentional ) . I think I hear him stirring so I better close and " see how what kind of day it will be . Noon on a Sunday - not looking too encouraging . As many of you said this seems a place to vent where others understand a little more of why you don 't have a " life " . I might like to go to a Cards game but it 's not going to happen so why waste a minutes thought on it . I try to think as a child of the universe and not dwell too much on this life . Good luck to you all . I wish you peace . June 5 , 2016 at 10 : 19 AM Hi , I 'm new to this and found this blog . I 'm in my mid - 50 's and my wife has bee sick for 2 years and physically incapacitated for the last 18 months . I really miss the physical part of our relationship ( which was great before all of this ) . My counselor tells me to masturbate , but it is just not the same . Anyone else out there feel the same ? It has occurred to me that while one spouse has the illness , in my husbands case , Parkinson 's disease for 27 years , I am a fairly healthy and active person of 61 years . In sickness and in health are the vows that we took 47 years ago . From my perspective , being healthy and shouldering everything is the easy part . The really tough part is having to be patient and empathetic and sympathetic and understanding all day everyday for so many years and it wears me out . Sometimes I would like to get away for a few days , which is impossible in my situation because there is no one that could pitch hit for me . The result is resentment and anger and hopelessness at times . I know it is selfish to feel that way , but you can 't pretend that those feelings are not there and you can 't just wish them away or shame them away . So everyday is a struggle . No two days are the same . Up and down . Striving to get a decent balance for both of you . I want him to be as content as he can be with what he is going through . I like contentment myself . I like peaceful feelings for more than an hour at a time . I had started to feel like a failure at my overall caregiving abilities , but then I thought , why beat myself up for being human in an extremely tough life situation . I do think its important to accept that I am not a saint . My husband seems to accept that . He knows I struggle also . I don 't think if you struggle with caregiving more than others that that means you don 't love your spouse well enough . We are all different with different abilities . Acceptance is a big deal . We all need to keep feeling good about ourselves even when we don 't shine too bright at times , just to continue to try to do our best . Hi Anonymous . You explain your situation and your solution so articulately , and wisely . One thing I know for sure - no caregiver is perfect . And no patient is perfect . There is no rule book , and what works for one couple , may not work for another . The more we can be compassionate towards ourselves , the more lift we 'll have to bring back to the relationship . You are working so hard , physically and emotionally . If you weren 't frustrated , upset , exhausted , struggling ( and all the other words caregivers use to describe their state ) - - I 'd be confused . Acknowledging your experience , no matter what it is , is important . Making choices to give yourself any form of respite , asking for a hand to hold yours , appreciating your vitality - - all this matters . Balance is about ongoing recalibration . I hope your find those pockets of peaceful feelings . This is a great forum and I thank you all for your posts , which remind me that many others share my situation . My wife has been ill for over 17 years , but things are better these days for a number of reasons . One of the greatest of these is thanks to a caring psychiatrist who was able to patiently and compassionately support Barbara in stabilising on a suitable antidepressant . Other doctors had tried , but each time she would react in some adverse way . But what a difference now that she is more stable ! As other posters have noted , dealing with the physical stuff is far less onerous than the emotional crises , and since my darling has always been a bit on the volatile highly - strung side , her emotional stability has been a wonderful improvement . Having been at this game for over 17 years now , I consider myself an old hand . I 've had counselling , and still occasionally call up a phone support service just so I can say the words that are difficult to say to people at large . I have also developed what I call " assertive selfishness " to get myself out of the house as often as I can for an afternoon or evening of enjoyment . I 've also had success focussing on things like practising mindful acceptance of how my life has been shaped , and regularly acknowledging gratitude for the good stuff in my life , It 's been very tough watching what could have been our best years slip away through our 50 's and 60 's , with the kids off our hands , the house paid for and a modest but comfortable pile of money . But there 's no travel or holidays for us , and these days very rarely even a meal out or movie together . But that 's life and I deal with it the best I can . Despite the occasional plunge to the depths of grief , anger , resentment and despair , I mostly cope tolerably well and find plenty of pleasure in my life . With love to you all , Graememy life Thanks for sharing your story Graeme . I do empathize with the hard road you 've been on . And I applaud you for finding a path that has allows you to both accept the limitations and also to find enjoyment for yourself . The stronger you grow , the more you have to bring to your life and to your relationship . In November , 1999 I was whacked with a mysterious chronic pain syndrome that took me out of my life . With the help of my husband , my dog , and a combination of western and alternative approaches , I have a new life that includes working , writing , mountain climbing , smiling , and managing pain . I learned a lot along the way , especially about illness and the couple relationship . I 'm also a psychotherapist , a business consultant , and have written a book about couples and illness , which was published in March 2013 ( Roundtree Press ) " Illness is the night - side of life , a more onerous citizenship . Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship , in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick . Although we all prefer to use only the good passport , sooner or later each of us is obliged , at least for a spell , to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place . " Susan Sontag

wandered wild - eyed and agitated into our tent . We lived beyond the plains of Moab at the edge of Midian . [ ii ] " Keturah , " he said without preamble . " You and set me apart when I only wanted to fit in . Over the years , I grew to hate that dream . Then one day , when I most wanted to die , it apology , and in a tone that made clear he had taken no offense . " We would love to join you , " Nun responded . He shuddered at the thought of ritual and his heart began to race . Sarah , marrying soon ? It shouldn 't have come as a surprise . The changes in Sarah had become the focus of cannot concentrate on cutting on the stones . I want to speak with her so badly my throat is dry . But when I think of seeing her , my stomach don 't think she 'll be getting married , until she 's a little more matured . " " But what do I do , father ? " Caleb asked . " I think I love her , and feel so helpless . " marriage was arranged and , if so , to whom . He wanted to ask Jephunneh , but didn 't know if he could do it . Rather than dwell on the issue , Caleb down . I 'm making too much of this . It 's just dinner , nothing more . But what if it 's not ? I can 't just sit here . I can 't ! Anxiety verging on for Sarah or run from the room , he still hadn 't decided which . But his legs weighed more than stone . He tried to speak . But his dry throat allowed only an thump , thump , thump of the hammers in the quarry . It 's now or never , Caleb thought . If Faroul announces Sarah 's betrothal , it 'll and a more stunning woman I 've never seen . She is quick to laugh and kind to those she meets . But she 's terribly lonely . Every night , the emptiness in her life stains vision as she stumbles back towards town . The rancid air makes her gag and spills the contents of her stomach . Through the blur of her tears she can 't see throat dry , his breathing erratic . " Their lives are hard in the desert . They face unspeakable trials . " Balaam seemed as if he 'd pass out as he tried our God , mother felt she had no choice . Through poverty and hardship , we would wait for my prince . At the age of six , the Market had become my Keturah was beside herself . She had no one she could tell . She couldn 't speak with Ibrahim , who was the subject of the dream , and she had no real But Keturah didn 't care what people thought . She didn 't want money or gifts . All she wanted was hope . Hope , however futile , was the greatest gift his eyes seemed to darken as we watched . Margda rushed to his side and tried to wake up him up . But Er wasn 't moving and he wouldn 't any time think of myself as better than anybody else . He taught me to see God 's wonders large and small . He may have been my Uncle , but he held a me free in ways I couldn 't possibly imagine . We would know love and marry and have children . We would settle in a valley , lush with trees , own - fear , awkwardness , pleasure and pain . Share each other 's joy , and soothe each other 's pain . Not just in the bedroom , but in all that life bedroom , you 'll be easily overwhelmed by how she looks and smells . How she tastes when you kiss her . How it feels when . . . " Jephunneh 's voice trailed off and he looked the nights will get better and better as time goes on . Caleb loves you and you love him . Do you know how rare that is ? How fortunate you are to find yourself and , if so , what do I say ? Sarah 's breathing was shallow . Her skin was white from the loss of blood . The only color she had came from bruised or stomach had a will of its own and I couldn 't run away . " Come , " he beckoned , " It 's alright . You look hungry . Would you like some lamb ? " money , " I said timidly , over the rumbling of my tummy . " That 's ok . Don 't be afraid , " he said , holding out some lamb . spent it together with our young brides . Michael had just married Keturah , around the time I married Hodesh . Those were such happy times , " he said with a a vision of selling pieces of lamb at Market . People thought I was crazy , for it had never been done . But business boomed and I prospered and I life to save our people , even give it willingly if I must . The God of our ancestors is my God as well . Though I cannot say I believe in His more . . yielding herself and enveloping him fully . Other times still , she encouraged him to take her quick and rough . But most of all she loved the tender moments , soothing words , until Joseph stopped crying and Caleb finally relaxed . Some day , Caleb thought , Joseph will grow up healthy , strong and free . In fact , that day seemed quite near , for a rumor " Boring ? " Caleb repeated , with raised eyebrow . " Boring ? " he said again as Joseph tried to step past him . " I 'll show you boring ! " And with that Caleb swept Joseph up and began " Of course not , baby . You 're still too young . You have years to go yet . Why , you are not fully a woman , " she said , " I don 't know , " I equivocated . " I hate to see you hungry all the time mother . Your clothes are little more than rags . All of the girls I know have long since been happy in fine clothes , if it meant betraying the God of our ancestors ? Besides , I do have a nice dress or two . " " It 's just that sometimes . . . it 's so saw a figure , still as death , lying at the entrance to his bedroom . Jephunneh . Caleb slipped in a pool of blood , landing hard on his side , face to face realizing how badly she 'd been hurt . " Hold on . You 're so strong . I need you . Oh God . Oh God . Oh God . . . Help the grave , as Caleb sat nearby , his mind blank , his stare lifeless . Faroul and Rivka held each other and wept . Caleb couldn 't shovel dirt on the bodies , worshipped You ! I trusted You ! I experienced Your Presence ! Day after day , You were there in my life . But when I needed You most , You were nowhere Caleb eschewed any comfort or solace or peace . He wanted revenge and to release his full fury . He wanted to injure , to maim and to kill . Caleb 's world had become blacker than any that Caleb had responded but not liking the look in Caleb 's eyes . " There isn 't time ! We must go ! Come on Caleb , please ! " Caleb 's eyes seemed to focus , though they softened do . We 'll see soon enough if you have the gift . If you do , use it wisely and sparingly . If you don 't , well then , we 'll talk more about it later . " " I pray , Uncle . I pray all the time , " I said . " But it never seems to do anything . The boys and girls my age still make fun of by the men and women who cross our paths . Often He guides us , if we pay close enough attention . Even then , for the most part , we are each on his friends challenged our relationship , such as it was . " She 's pretty , " they said , " but she 's witch . She 's cursed . Why pursue her ? Hard as you try , he responded , or at least that 's what he told me . " She 's the prettiest girl in Midian . She 'll be mine one day . You 'll see . " existence , unless he was so blind and self - absorbed that . . . No . It was my fault for not mentioning it . How could I expect sympathy or protection , for already won my heart . " " Then it is settled , " Dathan said . " You 'll cheer me on as I train . When I win , I 'll be a little closer to taking like a dance than a means of protecting myself . Hamarab always praised me , and pushed me past my limits . But he never pushed so far as to make me well . If it isn 't the little witch . What ' cha got there witch ? A pretty stick ? Give it here , " Margda said , an ugly the sound of Margda 's voice , deeply ingrained terror gripped my stomach . My heart raced . My palms became sweaty . Then , to my horror and shame , I panicked and afraid to speak in case she had tried to follow me . But I hated myself even more . Why am I such a coward ? I wondered . I cast the staff into the desert , not far mind you , but far enough so knew far too well what buttons to push . " No , " I replied , more hastily than I would have liked . " I . . . I 've been having some trouble with a Caleb 's side , but kept an eye out for his parents . But he didn 't see them , or even Rivka and Faroul . There were so many people heading out of remembering the family he would never see again . He didn 't want to talk . He didn 't want to think . But he couldn 't turn off his mind . Why has make it , " he said , motioning to the people in their care . " We need to make a stand . It 's the only chance they have . " Many ignored Hosea and continued to press Hosea , Son of Nun , from the Tribe of Ehpraim . Stand and open your eyes . " The voice boomed inside his head , yet seemed warm and reassuring . I must be dead , Hosea marveled as he . . . " said the soldier , who sheathed his flaming sword , " the captain of the holy hosts . I was honored this day to fight by your side . " Hosea opened his mouth to speak , but nothing of their people climbing the sea 's banks . Above the masses , Moses stood on an enormous solitary rock . Moses ' arms were raised high , seemingly holding sheath his sword with the last of his strength . He wanted nothing to lie down to sleep or to die , he didn 't care which . From the far shore in the distance , behind itself broke over the head of an attacker . Nebach glanced around quickly for a weapon he could use . From on high , a spear flew toward King Balak 's awake , " the King observed , striding up to the bed . " My healers thought we 'd lost you . At least twice , I believe . But then they feared what would happen to King 's personal guard , confidante and advisor . The new uniform fit well , as did Nebach 's new position . But the end of each day came with new aches spoke of me often , particularly to Nebach . Whenever I drew near , she embarrassed me to no end . The first time Nebach saw me , he admired my treated me like a woman , and not a child . In his words and his mannerisms , he treated me with respect . He didn 't speak down to me , as men often do an equal , which felt exceptionally good . He showed an interest in our lives , mother 's and mine . I felt a genuine affection for him , and even Nebach said , sitting by mother at the market . " We should talk about marriage . You know how much I care for you and Mishael . I know that my life as a soldier at the took me aside and sat me carefully down , " I think our wait may be over . I think we 've found you a husband . He asked for your hand in marriage , earlier note , smell the lamb , see the smiling face of Hamarab . I was older , but not much . Just enough . Balaam frowned , but I ignored him , and kissed Nebach full on the mouth . immediately it was my child with Nebach . He lay on the pyre , his eyes open , still as death . Then the flames engulfed their bodies , and I and sacrifice , and now you 'd throw it all away ? You must decline , Keturah . Dear Lord , have you said yes ? " It had been approximately ten years since I 'd " He told me , of course . How else could I know ? " Mother replied . " I have known him now for months . He 's truthful and honest . He fits your description . " I was so tired of waiting , of being different , of being an outcast . But I knew in my heart that my uncle was right . " I can 't marry Nebach , " I said in a small Mother refused to meet his gaze . The thought of losing him hurt too much . " Look at me Ket , " Nebach commanded . He took her chin in his hand when she failed " princess " Cozbi , as he called her . Cozbi blushed and said that she wasn 't a real princess . Well , maybe she was , she wasn 't sure . She did not feel like one , she said , and she didn 't was an exquisitely detailed golden replica of a calf . " It 's beautiful , " I said , awed . " Do you want it ? " Cozbi asked , showing daytime , I tended Hamarab 's sheep and trained with the staff . At night , I studied with Balaam . I couldn 't have been happier . Nebach was taken down and we were ready to move in . After the poverty we endured , it made me feel like a princess . It was the perfect little home , in which to towards Sinai through the wilderness of Sin . Once more , the Israelites became hungry and expressed their dismay . " If only we had died by the Lord 's hand in Egypt , " came a Caleb 's family , God was nowhere to be found . There 'd been no miracle , no warning and no help from the Lord . Now each daily miracle felt like sand in a inevitably come a time when an army was key . They trained with the best that each tribe had to offer . In the skills and art of war , they far friend . . . what greater freedom is there than that ? " Hosea waited for an answer . Caleb didn 't take the bait . " You don 't talk about them much , " Hosea said stopped to rest and drink some water , and set the staff by my side . Nebach clapped in appreciation . I nearly jumped out of my skin . I hadn 't realized I had an audience and instinctively would know whether I should disclose Hamarab 's name . But Nebach 's family now . . . isn 't he ? What harm could it do ? " Hamarab , " you show me what he 's taught you ? " Nebach asked , picking up his staff . Without waiting for an answer he began advancing towards me . " What would you do . . . " he wondered aloud , the air . " Very good , " he said genuinely . " I like your defense / counter - attack pairs . But mix it up a little more . Step back on occasion . Rest , regroup , then attack . It will make your counter - attacks , when you as well . Our eyes met . I blushed . He jumped up like he 'd been branded . We never discussed that training session , but never wrestled again either . Our training from that point focused solely " You can do it , Mishael . If you let me teach you , that is . It 'll help your medicine and healing . You really should learn . " a good challenge , and was already set apart . " So let 's get started , " I said , excited to learn a new skill . We started that very night , and worked I thought , much more than Nebach , and I could start a family of my own . I longed for a child and a more typical life . Margda wouldn 't dare harass the wife of a I was not much older than you , I faced three bullies at once . I can 't remember their names . It was so long ago . But I 'll never forget their faces , their ugly voice thundered in anger and hatred and scorn . I raised my arms up and out , holding a corner of the cloth . The powder expanded in a puff , which covered " Yes . I suppose it is , " Hosea replied . " You 're mad . I 'm mad . We 're all mad , my friend . But I 'll take divine madness and freedom , we had water ! " " We had food ! " " Water ! We need water ! " They cried out , and shouted . " They are sorcerers who 've bewitched though I knew very well he might seek to dissuade me . But I couldn 't wait for his return . I didn 't want to lose my nerve . I found what I needed and then headed back to directly at my face , expecting me to flinch as I had so many times before . I didn 't duck . I didn 't flinch . In fact , I wanted her to land the first will seep through the pores of your skin . Day by day you will turn into the toad that you are . Then you shall know that I 'm truly a witch , into my eyes and saw cold hard resolve . She looked at my staff and backed quickly away . As I neared my front door , I heard Margda 's angry friends whispered to each nervously , afraid to say anything to her . The warts itched . Margda scratched them . But it only made them itch more . So she scratched and she scratched until they " I 'm sorry . Mishael . Please . Really I am . I 'll never bother you or your friends . I can 't go through life like this . Please Mishael . Please , " she begged , " That 's not good enough , " I thundered . " You will not harass me . You will not harass my friends . You will not harass anyone , as long as you will repent in your heart for all the hardship you have caused . Do you understand ? " " Y - yes , " she replied . " D - does that mean y - you 'll lift the curse ? " comeuppance by the " Witch of Midian . " The title came with both fear and respect . Men shied away from ogling me . Women whispered as I passed , but without it conferred , I still had to face some unpleasant consequences . Balaam chastised me severely for using his frogwart . The amount I used could have killed her . I disappointed him deeply , and it surprised the danger they faced came from within . They 'd yet to meet enough outsiders to pose a real threat . Some day they 'd meet strangers who 'd likely didn 't include Faroul or Rivka . Maybe in time , Hosea thought , the memories won 't be so painful . " Do you think you 'll ever take another wife ? " I trust in God after what happened to my family ? He could have prevented it , Hosea . After all He has done ? Yet He choose to do nothing and my family is remains , and your relationship with God isn 't lost . Nothing will be same , to be sure . But God is there for you still , if you want " Over there , " Caleb said . " See that ? The desert looks alive , like the ground itself is moving . " Hosea peered into the distance , his vision breathless , before any of the runners . They couldn 't speak , but they 'd arrived . As they tried to catch their breath , the runners arrived and gave their numbers in the darkness , but there are many soldiers headed this way . We must ready ourselves for battle . They 'll be here by mid - day . " and he respected Hosea 's decision not to argue the matter further with Moses . Caleb trusted Hosea , their captains and best men . He hoped it 'd be enough , with or without with us , and will fight through us today . Moses shall position himself on the top of a hill . Look to Moses and the staff of God to draw children and the elderly who can 't fight . God willing , they 're a defense that will never be needed . But they 'll be there if we need them to " I know . I can lead them , " Caleb replied . " With or without God 's help , we shall prevail . There is no time to lose if you are to mullikin902 : Do not start reading this book unless you have enough time to finish it in one sitting , because you will not be able to put it down ! Superlative ! Addictive ! Deliciously wicked characters you can 't get enough of . Impatiently waiting for the sequel ! rihannabkj2 : Great story , I can hardly stop reading this novel . it shows that compassion and love can still exist after so many years between two persons . I most say well done to the Author who wrote this book . Others should read this book inorder to know that there can still be LOVE among two persons no matt . . . Katy Rayne : i really enjoyed this book . i have to say i didn 't know what to expect , but with every chapter that came something crucial to keep you reading happened . I was disappointed with the ending if this is for another book i will defiantly carry on reading the next book . Dessie Williams : loved the book . the plot the characters all just great . I think it 's a must read . once you start this book it 's hard to put down . hope it gets published . . . . I think this book is a must read . great job ! ! ! ! Read Now Althea Kerr : This is a tale that is all too familiar to South African readers having lived through a war era on our borders and beyond . It is obviously autobiographical as the mind under duress is so detailed and real . It has fantastic suspense if a bit disjointed - perhaps that is the fear and loneliness com . . . emmaneal74 : I loved this booked . Would definitely buy it when published and read it again . The story flowed in such a way I just couldn 't put it down . I was never confused about the characters or their roles in the story which can happen sometimes with so many lead . I 'd recommend this to anyone wanting to r . . . catd69 : Karim is a very talented writer . When I started reading his journey it took me into the book and I was in the story till the end . I 've never felt this way with any other writers stories . If you want to read a gripping adventure , this will be the one book I would suggest you pick . christylynnr5 : This was beyond amazing ! Its plot was so unique ! It was a beautiful romance story with a mystery twist ! I can 't believe it ended the way it did ! ! ! ! There HAS to be a second book ! ! This needs to be published and made into a series ! Read Now Alex Rushmer : Chapter One : Not much is happening in this chapter , but I was absolutely fascinated by the depth of your character development . I love how you just sat there with the reader and explored Eddward . Usually , that sort of thing gets boring very fast , but this was actually really cool ! He 's so unique . . . Clare Cormack : Fantastic read ! I was gripped from the beginning . The plot twist and change of gear stops you from putting it down . I enjoyed the way the individual characters had their own chapters , reading from their own point of view - believable and identifiable . Im really excited to read the sequel and have . . .

On May 7 , 2017May 9 , 2017 By DavidIn GearLeave a comment Pour yourself a cup of coffee , get comfortable , and let me ruminate for a little bit on our first DNF . It was the 30 - hour Atomic race , our first attempt at a race lasting more than 8 hours . It was night and we were trying to locate a control in a reentrant . Not being very good at navigation , and not wanting to lose our reference point , I had Ana stand at the top of a knoll with a flashlight while I searched the 30 or so tiny reentrants that surrounded us . Knowing that I could just look back at any time and see Ana 's light , I wasn 't paying any attention to my compass . But , then it started to downpour and visibility became nil . I could no longer see Ana 's light and I had no idea which direction to go to get back to her . In two seconds I went from knowing where I was to being lost and not being able to find my team . I yelled for Ana , but she couldn 't hear me over the rain . Don 't believe me ? Go try it sometime . The next time it rains , go in the forest and yell for all your worth . I like to do this anytime Ana tells me she wants to repaint the house . It 's crazy how therapeutic it is . It 's also amazing how no one can hear you . Your voice just doesn 't travel well in the woods , especially during a downpour . It wasn 't until after the rain stopped that I could finally hear Ana yelling for me . Thank god she hadn 't moved from her spot or we would have really been in trouble . I finally spotted her flashlight and made my way to the top of the knoll , where she asked me if I had been crying . I told her of course not , it was just rain washing the mud off my face . It was a scary feeling indeed , and while I can share many more stories of us getting lost , no one has enough time to read them all . So , why am I telling you this ? It 's because I want you to think about one piece of lowly gear that a lot of people overlook , your whistle . It 's mandatory gear in every race I 've ever been in . In the past I would have just gone to Walmart and picked up any old whistle in order to comply with the rules , or relied on the one that came with my backpack . But , those are crap and mandatory gear shouldn 't be crap . Imagine your team is bombing a downhill at night and the last rider goes over a ledge . You may not even realize it at first . It 's happened with us on a training ride and it was three or four minutes before we even knew we lost a teammate . We 're not inconsiderate jerks , it 's just that it 's hard to look behind you when you 're going downhill , even as slow as we are . We know of other teams where someone has fallen off of a railroad truss and needed assistance . There is no quicker way to bring help then by alerting your team , or other racers , with a super loud whistle . And the best whistle out there is made by ACME Whistles . Now look , don 't get upset thinking that you just got sucked into reading a commercial for ACME Whistles . I 'm only sharing this with you because I love our blog readers and I want you to be safe out there . Stuff happens when you 're in the wild , and it can get serious very quickly . Don 't peg your hopes on crap gear . Spend five bucks and get yourself and your team members a quality whistle . We have the ACME Tornado 636 for our PFDs and the ACME T2000 for our backpacks . How loud are these thing ? How about 117dB for the 636 ! What 's a dB ? I don 't know , and it doesn 't matter . What matters is that 117dB is louder than if you were standing 3 feet from your car horn and someone honked it at you … in other words LOUD ! And that 's what you want . Loud , dependable , and Day - Glo green ( because that 's the best color ever ) . Actually , they make lots of different colors , so get your favorite . As a thank you for making it through another rambling post of mine , like the post on Facebook by midnight on 5 / 10 / 17 and we 'll choose four people to send a free whistle to . We 'll even cover the postage . How cool is that ? On May 2 , 2017May 2 , 2017 By DavidIn Adventure RaceLeave a comment After doing a couple of these adventure races , you would think we 'd know what the hell we were doing . But , that wasn 't the case during the 2017 Earth Day 18 Hour Adventure Race by Florida Xtreme . Sure , we ended up 3rd overall , but that 's due to a mispunch by two kickass teams that beat us to the finish by over an hour and a half . They were so fast that they were eating breakfast at Waffle House while we were still out on the course dreaming of Waffle House . If you 're looking for an adventure race that is going to take you to some wild and beautiful locations , with some fun twists and turns thrown in , then look no further than one directed by Craig Sheriff . Craig does a great job of hunting out cool locations and integrating them into a challenging course . Bike 1 For us , the misadventures began instantly . The race started off with a short foot sprint and then a dash to find two CPs along the East Cadillac Trail . We were 3rd , just behind ARGeorgia and Off the Grid Racing . We hit the twisting single track , nailing the first CP and then completely blew by CP2 . It seems that when I transcribed the location of CP2 , I put it too far east . We saw a control , but thought it was a sport race CP and didn 't even stop to check it . Oops . We then had to backtrack to the control as 6 - 8 teams flew by . Our next big mess up was at CP7 . I guess while I was busy shoving Snickers in my pie - hole , I must have missed where Fern trail branched off from the dirt road and jumped back into the woods . Had I seen the fork , we would have quickly found the small wooden bridge we were looking for and been on our merry way . Instead , we got to spend 15 minutes scooting across a gas pipeline to cross a creek and look for a CP that was not there . The cool thing is that we were so sure we were in the right place we did it twice , until Bill Dean and his brother rode by and told us we were idiots for looking in the wrong location . Looking at my map now , it 's easy to see that we overshot the location . At the time , not so much . Having screwed up two controls in less than two hours , we were not off to a good start and were probably 12th or 13th place by now . Calves ablaze , we descended the stairs and biked off toward the Tallahassee Museum . Along the way , we biked past the FSU stadium and then had to find a CP in the Munson Slough . Bill and his brother were kind enough to give us a hand getting our bikes down , and we returned the favor to them . At the Tallahassee Museum , we got to experience our first zip line ever . The sun was setting as we climbed obstacles and soared through the trees . It was an incredible experience that I know all of the racers enjoyed . We can 't wait to come back with our kids and do it again . The only bad part was when Ana decided to do some product testing for Lupine by tossing her headlamp from the top of one of the platforms , into the swamp below . Forty feet up and surrounded by swamp water , there was no way down and no way to recover the light . Lucky for us though , she dropped her headlamp into the water at a canoe checkpoint , CP14 . Our only chance at recovering the light was to canoe to that control and search for it later that night . Night was rapidly approaching and the first order of business was to go straight to CP14 ( Near Zip Line ) and try to recover our headlamp . After a quick search , we found it in about 2 feet of water and it still worked perfectly . I love Lupine . What I don 't love is canoeing in a swamp at night without a light ! I wish we had taken more photos during the race to better show you what it was like at night , but we were playing catch up the whole time and photos were the last things on our minds . Just imagine that you are surrounded by cypress trees that are all identical and you can 't make out the shoreline because it is so dark . No matter which way you looked , everything looked the same . It was like a bad text - based video game from the 80 's . It was eerily beautiful . Our headlamps created a perfect reflection of the cypress trees on the black water as we paddled around the labyrinth of trees . As we were looking for CP20 ( Distinct Cypress ) we heard this voice in the darkness … Hello ? Lionel ? Adele ? Nope , it was Mac Kelly from Chub Solo . His headlamp had gone out and he was drifting in the darkness . How he didn 't freak out , I don 't know . We loaned him one of our lights and said he could either give it back to us at the end of the race or tag along with us . He decided to tag along … silly guy . We got to enjoy his company and he got to enjoy getting lost in the woods with us . For CP21 , we had to follow pink streamers down a small creek to locate a pond . But the creek ended up turning into nothing but a mucky " trail " , through which we portaged our canoes . And thank goodness we took our canoes because once we finally got to the pond , there was no way we were wading across a chest - deep pond in the middle of the night . Some teams did , but then some teams are just flippin ' crazy ! Finishing the paddle took us forever , and it was well into the night when we started our first foot section . Craig had warned us that the foot section was going to be hard . He also suggested we attempt it in reverse order . We didn 't listen … we were stupid . The first two controls were along trails and easy enough to find , but then it all went downhill . By the time we got to CP26 ( West Side of Bradford Brook ) we had somehow caught up with ARGeorgia , Off the Grid Racing , and Florida Xtreme . It seems the paddle and foot section were giving lots of teams problems . Somewhere prior to CP27 , we met up with Ron Eaglin , " The Human Compass " and his team , Florida Xtreme . Since we were all walking at this point , we ended up finding CPs 27 & 28 together . I don 't really like following other teams to controls , because I don 't feel like I learn anything that way , so we broke away from Florida Xtreme going towards CP29 . Not the wisest of choices . Ron is a really good navigator and staying with them would have ensured we found the remaining controls quickly . Instead we went on a 40 minute swamp stomp . On the map , CP29 looks straight forward . From CP28 , shoot southwest until you hit the stream and follow it south until it forks … easy peasy . Except that the creek turned into a swamp and we never could locate the fork . We worked our way south down the creek and eventually gave up and bailed east to the powerlines . To reattack , we headed northwest towards the powerline / creek intersection , pace counted southeast until we hit the powerline / trail intersection and headed straight west and found the control without any problems . Sounds easy now . Forty minutes wasted and we never saw Florida Xtreme , ARGeorgia , or Off the Grid Racing again . When we finished up Foot1 , we had to return to the boat and then paddle back to the Boat TA , where we had originally launched . Todd was working the boat nav and doing a great job , Ana was in the front being the motor , and I was in the back smashing palm - sized spiders before they crawled up Todd 's leg . Todd loves spiders … and ticks . He really loves ticks . Once again , I was leading the nav and doing a freakingly stellar job of it . We were jogging along an old road to CP39 , because the clue was , " Along an Old Road . " However , when the road ended and we didn 't find the control , I wasn 't surprised given the way the night was going . The old road intersected with a new road . So , we turned around and pace counted to where the control should be . But , there was no control . We looked in the woods where we thought the control should be , but nope , no control . So , back up to the intersection to see if there was another old road that ran parallel to the one we were on . I didn 't see one , so back down the old road we went . When we got to the same spot again , I said screw it , I 'm heading east until we hit the lake . And that 's when I found another road running parallel to the one we were on . And you know what was along that parallel road . Yep , the control . Good times . We had a couple of more controls on this section , and one of them had us pick up a Natural Ice can left behind by someone who thought it would be cool to drink Natural Ice and litter . Neither of which is cool . I felt good cleaning up a little piece of the forest , I felt bad sucking at navigation all night . Perhaps a Natty Light or two would have helped . It definitely wouldn 't have hurt by this point . Finally done with the foot sections , it was time to climb back on the bikes , except that Ana 's tire was completely flat . It seems her bike maintainer was a little too lazy to add more anti - leak goop to her tires before the race . She probably would have fired the bum by now if he wasn 't so damn sexy in bike shorts . A couple of blasts of compressed air and a prayer that it would hold together for 3 hours , and we were off . CP43 had us bushwhack 35 meters into a tree line from a wooden fence along the St . Marks Historic Railroad Trail which put us nearly into someone 's backyard . Pitch black , headlamps on , dogs barking their heads off and some dude yelling , " What the hell is going on out here ! " I 'm just praying , " Oh dear Lord , please don 't let that man release his dogs because I am stuck in these briers and my legs are too cramped to run . " Todd kept calling out , " Sir , we are NOT trying to get to your house . We are in a race and looking for a flag . We are NOT coming onto your property " . Ever try to explain adventure racing to someone ? Try explaining it to someone who thinks you 're trying to sneak onto their property at night , while their dogs are going nuts . Oh , the fun we have ! Ana 's knee was absolutely killing her by now , and she was reduced to pedaling with one leg . I didn 't know if she was going to be able to manage the hills of Tallahassee , much less the final single track section . None of us had a towline , so we slowly worked our way towards the finish , picking up CP 's along the way and waiting for teams to pass us before we could finish . I think it would have absolutely crushed her to have another team pass us on the bike . But , if they had , it would have been due to my bad navigation throughout the night , not her bad knee . The final paddle was a 2 hour push through lily pad covered waterways . I was unsure when the official race time was over , so we paddled as hard as we could to try to finish by 10AM . Todd was doing a great job of navigating us through the mess . I don 't think we made a single navigational error . We did end up blowing by CP55 ( on an old dock ) and having to turn around to find it . I 'd like to think it was because our blazing paddles had us going so fast . Truth is , it was because all of us were looking towards the shoreline … you know the place where most old docks are . We 're all looking off to the right side of the boat as we slowly cruise past the flag on our left . This was an all - around tough race that had us in race salvage mode the entire time . My navigation was probably the worst it has ever been . However , I couldn 't be more proud of the way the team held together and kept racing . We weren 't the fastest by a long shot . But , I feel like we kept pushing and stayed in race mode even when things got sucky . Our race results ended up being much better than we expected . Many teams fought hard and were amazingly fast the entire time . Ron and Florida Xtreme ended up in 1st , which is no surprise for anyone that has raced against Ron . Congratulations to his team on the win ! As always , this was another great Florida Xtreme race and we can 't thank Craig , John , and all the volunteers for the work they put into making this a success . The course was top - notch and the zip lining was amazing . A big thanks to the Tallahassee Museum for putting up with 50 stinky racers tromping around their property . As always , we greatly appreciate those that have chosen to support our team . Please take a second and check out their gear . If we 're using it , it 's because we like it . On April 28 , 2017April 28 , 2017 By DavidIn Inspiration , UncategorizedLeave a comment Like many people , our family has been affected by cancer and we want to get involved in stopping this disease . We are trying to help raise funds for the American Cancer Society through the Relay for Life . If you would like to help by donating , please visit our Relay for Life Team Page and make a single donation . Pick the challenge depending on how brave , or how much money you are willing to part with … or come up with your own . How about how many lunges Ana can do around the track ? Or , a dollar for every minute she rubs my aching feet ? We 're game for anything legal . The event last 12 hours and each lap is 1 / 4 mile . How do you describe a 72 - hour , non - stop adventure race ? I don 't think you really can . It 's almost impossible to describe , especially to those that have never done one . When I try to tell people about it , I can 't seem to capture how exciting , rewarding , tough , exhausting and ultimately fun a race like this is . In addition , most people seem to have a 2 minute attention span and a 3 - day race isn 't something that you can describe with an elevator pitch . So , for those that enjoy the archaic hobby of reading things longer than a Facebook post , here 's my vain attempt … Follow along with full race maps here I guess the race started at Ponce Inlet . I find it hilarious that when people ask me where the race started , I really can 't tell them . " Somewhere on the east coast of Florida " is what I usually answer . " But , I know we finished at the Plantation Inn & Golf Resort in Crystal River . " You see , before the race begins and we 're given our 48 maps , we don 't know where the race will start . We know where it ends because that 's where we parked our cars , and eventually you 'll want to find your car . After a 3hr bus ride to the other side of Florida , we had enough time to drop the browns off at the Super Bowl , butter the biscuits , and do a last minute gear check before embarking on our epic race . I 'm usually super nervous until I find the first checkpoint ( CP ) and truly get my bearing . For this race , the first CP was along a pier right in front of us , even Team Disoriented can nail that . The rest of the section was a simple trek around Ponce Inlet , hitting a couple of local spots , and taking photos along the way . There is nothing sweeter than the sound of oyster shells scraping along the bottom of your fiberglass canoe , trying to rip it open like the Titanic . Of course , being the conscientious adventure racers that we are , we would never , ever subject our canoe to that type of abuse . But then again , we weren 't using our canoe … We followed a few teams through the labyrinth of shallow oyster beds , collecting 2 CPs and ending with a nice little portage . How long was the portage you ask ? Oh , about ¼ mile passed pissed off . The canoe drop was just before we got started on the really good curse words . Our first bike section of the race started with a time trial of the Spruce Creek Bike Trail Network . Follow the trail they said . You can 't get lost they said . Hmm funny how we ran into 2 other teams that had gone around in a big loop after missing a critical turn . We decided to throttle back our mad mountain biking skilz ( yeah , that 's skilz with a z ) to not mess up the navigation on this . We definitely didn 't break any time trial records here , but we did get all the CPs . After the time trial , we had 4 other CPs to collect along the way to the next section . This was a mix of off - road / jeep trails and some city roads . One of the cool CPs was at the Sopotnick 's Cabbage Patch Bar , a well - known bike bar … for dudes with tats , skull rings , chains , and leather jackets . Not for dudes in spandex shorts on bicycles . Actually , they were really cool and allowed us to get a drink , so long as we got the hell out of there . The last CP for this leg was at JC 's Bikes & Boards . Adventure South Racing was stopped here getting their derailleur fixed . How awesome is that ? ! If you 're ever in the area and need to stop at a bike shop , hit them up . Here 's the dealio . I hate cutoffs , especially early cutoffs . Yeah yeah , I know , strategery is a part of adventure racing blah blah blah . My issue is that only 2 teams , Rev3 & Good ' Nuff , cleared the course up to Section 4 and made the time cutoff ( and hats off to both teams for making it ) . We missed it by 20 minutes , clearing the course up to that point . Unfortunately , the early cutoff set the race for us and many other teams and removed the possibility for any late race rallies . By 4 : 30PM on the first day , both top teams knew that all they had to do was clear the course and they were assured a 1 - 2 place finish . Mentally , this is a strong position to be in … much different than knowing a team can come from behind and take a spot from you . Oh well . Our mistake . We totally own it and know we should have pushed harder in the beginning . Now , I don 't know about you , but I had no idea that Indian Mounds looked like park benches . I guess if I were an Indian building a mound , I might want a bench on top of the mound so that I could take a nice leisurely view of the surrounding forest , maybe eat a sandwich or opossum , or whatever Indians ate back then . I don 't really know , but I do know that ambiguous clues are no fun . Especially when there isn 't a control at the location . Were we on the right trail ? Should there be a sign that says " Indian Mound " ? Are we supposed to ignore the " Trail Ends Here " sign and go look for an Indian mound ? We decided to reattack this CP from another trail and ended up in the same location . So we snapped a photo of the bench and said & ^@ # ! it after wasting 30 - 40 minutes . I love night treks . No , really , I do . There is something indescribably exciting and enchanting about night trekking . It 's quiet and spooky and fun all at the same time . Owls hoot , critters and creatures run about in the woods around you . You feel like there isn 't another soul around for miles . It 's just mesmerizing . We fast trekked this section , nailing the navigation and making pretty good time while enjoying each other 's company and trying not to migrate onto private property . Walking onto private property at 3AM in the middle of the woods is no bueno . Section 7 was a 22 mile bike loop for 2 CPs that some teams opted not to do . That 's a pretty good decision when you know that after the 22 mile loop , you had another 30 miles on the bike before the next transition area ( TA ) . That 's a total of 7 - 8 hours of butt - blistering biking . Our plan was to do the short loop for 1 point and to skip the long loop . We were looking for " CP19 - Bike Loop Trail Cutoff Sign " which translated into American means " CP19 - Alexander Springs Sign " . Maybe other teams weren 't confused , but I 'm a pretty simple guy . If someone says , take a photo of the blue sign , I 'm looking for a blue sign . And if the clue says , " Bike Loop Trail Cutoff Sign " then I 'm looking for a sign that says , " Bike Loop Trail Cutoff " or " Bike Cutoff " or " Trail Cutoff " or " Cutoff " or at least 1 of the 4 words used in the clue . I 'm not looking for a sign that says ' " Peanuts this way " or " Unicorns are Awesome " but maybe that 's just me . After doing ½ of the first loop , Todd was super excited about going on to do the long loop as well . Especially since doing so might make us miss the O - course cutoff at Sunnyhill for 9 points . I can fondly remember the words of encouragement and the hug he gave me once we got to the top of the loop … Once we finished the double bike loop , we still had 30 miles of trail biking to do through the Ocala National Forest . The clue sheet offered this sage advice , " Select checkpoints in this ride wisely , many of the roads and trails along this segment can be sandy or muddy . " I 'm not sure how you select roads and trails wisely when you don 't know the area , I mean you might as well say , " Shake your Magic 8 - Ball and rattle some chicken bones for good juju because if you don 't you 'll be stuck in 8 inches of the softest damn sand you 've ever tried to ride through . " Riding in sugar sand is like … well , it 's like CRAP ! That 's the best I have . It 's crap , piled on top of crap . We rode into Sunnyhill to start the O - Course and were greeted with gator - filled canals that created a labyrinth of water . Picking the wrong path took you to a dead - end where the only options were to turn back or go through the canal . After seeing a few toothsome gators hiding in the duckweed , we decided there would be no swimming or canal crossings on this section . After plotting 9 UTM points , we headed out . There was a 9PM cutoff to finish this section , but we had plenty of time . Once out on the course , we realized how far apart the controls were and that the nav wasn 't going to be as straight forward as we originally thought . Our first route choice took us to a dead - end where we had to turn back . The distances seemed to be much further than indicated on the map , but looking at Google Maps post - race , the scale was right on . I think it was more of an optical illusion because the land was flat and treeless and you could see a long distance . We struggled a bit on this section . I ended up dropping my watch on the way to CP33 - River Cabin and had to backtrack to find it . Green watch dropped in green grass … yeah that was about as fun as you can imagine . This was my 2nd watch , the first I lost at USARA Nationals last year and I wasn 't about to leave this one behind . Luckily Ana was running strong and could race ahead to look for it while Todd and I limped along . CP34 - Big Cedar gave us the most trouble as we tried twice to attack it from the west . After two failed attempts , we were going to bail on it , but since we had to go past it to finish the course , we decided to attack it once more from the east . As we got close to the attack point , we had a large black bear walk out of the woods onto the trail in front of us . We were contemplating what to do next until the second , larger bear stepped out onto the trail . That pretty much solidified our decision to get the hell out of there . Now , maybe others would have kept moving towards the bears , but I 've never heard anyone advising that you should walk towards a bear with a backpack full of food when it stands between you and were you want to go . I 'm sure some have tried it . There 's a special award for those people , a Darwin Award . Our next CP was CP30 - Small Clearing for Bears . Just fantastic . Dusk is settling in , we 've already seen two bears , and now we 're heading into a small clearing for bears . For five minutes we hunted around a clearing full of bear poop with backpacks full of nuts , berries , chocolate … you know all those things that bears eat . I felt like we were walking snack packs for the bears . Hey BooBoo ! Why don 't we go eat one of those walking picnic baskets ? By now , I was mentally drained and couldn 't nav anymore . I handed the map over to Todd and he finished up the O - Course , guiding us to the remaining checkpoints and the transition area . During this section there was also a full - on search and rescue going on . We didn 't know if someone was attacked by a bear , eaten by an alligator , or lost on the Oklawaha paddle . With a helicopter flying overhead , and sirens going off , we were really worried for whoever had called for help . But , that 's a story you 'll have to read about on the Canyoneros blog post . Forever to be known as " The Paddle " , the Oklawaha paddle was just about the hardest section of any race we 've done so far . Our first plan was to sleep for 20 - 30 minutes at the TA before heading out on the paddle . So , we ate a Cup ' O ' Noodles and putzed around the TA wasting a lot of time before deciding that we should go out , paddle up to the dam and sleep there for 20 - 30 minutes before finishing the paddle . That would break up the 5 hour paddle and allow us some sleep . I knew it was forecasted to get cold and the sooner we got the paddle done , the better off we would be . Exhausted , we launched our canoe and paddled , collecting 2 CPs along the way . By the time we reached the dam , Ana was soaked and freezing and we were all on the verge of collapse . We portaged our canoe around the dam and tried to catch 20 minutes of sleep in the women 's bathroom . You know you 're pretty stinking tired if you 're willing to curl up on a public bathroom floor to get some rest . After 20 minutes of shivering and shaking without sleeping , we decided to hit the water again . By now , Ana was wrapped in her Survive Outdoors Longer Emergency Blanket , cold weather gear , rain gear and puffy jacket . Little did we know how miserable a 3 hour paddle would be after racing for 36 solid hours and having the temperature drop to 38 degrees . Along the paddle I saw green lasers being shot across the river , Ana saw castles , Todd saw little men . We all heard voices and felt that at times we were either paddling uphill or downhill . With the change in temperature , there was such a mist on the river that Ana couldn 't see anything in front of her . It was like driving in fog with high beams on . Imagine someone threw a white sheet over your head and then told you to paddle while they constantly threw cups of cold water at your face . Good times , right ? However , it wasn 't until we finally landed and had to hike 1 . 5 miles to the transition area that we realized just how cold we were . We were completely soaked and with uncontrollable shaking and chattering teeth , we carried all of our paddling gear to the TA where the most awesome volunteers had a small fire and hot chocolate available . Chris and Sonia , you were literally life savers . Thank you ! Before heading out on the trek , we decided to grab an hour sleep at the TA . This was our first sleep of the race and we went unconscious as soon as we stopped moving . This trek was along the Florida National Scenic Trail to the Historic Santos Recreation Area . There weren 't any real navigation decisions to be made here and we simply followed the trail to the TA . With Todd picking the lines , we " flew " through this section . At least in my mind I was flying , and looking pretty awesome doing it . You 'll just have to take my word for it . After getting through the climbs and switchbacks on Nayls and Ern N Burn , Ana was ready for a stiff drink . I was ready to get off the bike for awhile , but we still had miles to go . The last single track section , Tricycle , seemed to last FOR … E … VER ! After the previous , more technical sections that made you stay focused , this part was a little more mundane and having only 1 hour of sleep so far , it was getting hard to keep our head in the game . We weren 't sure where the last CP was , just that it was along the trail somewhere . It 's always a little unnerving not knowing where the controls are , but the race directors did a great job placing them so you couldn 't miss them . Had the race directors placed the CPs on the map , teams could easily bypass the more technical and fun parts of the trail in exchange for getting to the controls faster . Once we got out of Santos , we still had a few miles of street riding to do before reaching the next TA . Once we hit the road , we met up with Nativos Colombia and a few other teams . Nativos Colombia are crazy fast on the bike and flew past us . I knew we weren 't the fastest cyclists out there but man what an eye opener . It must be our bikes … yeah , definitely our bikes . And a loud hub , I need a loud hub . I heard they make you go crazy fast . The O - course section was a dark zone where all teams were stopped until 5AM Sunday morning . While here , they had the option of completing up to four O - courses of varying difficulty . The way it worked is that you picked one of the four courses and returned to the TA after completing each one and before heading out on the next one . Once your team decided it was finished , you were off the race clock until the dark zone was lifted . Clearing the first course was pretty easy , but then we couldn 't find the Transition Area again . I can 't explain how frustrating it is to be able to locate a 12in x 12in orange and white flag out in the middle of a forest and then not be able to locate a clearing with two U - Haul trucks , 100 + bicycles , and racers milling about . We stumbled around for a little while , ending up in the regular campers section of the park before finally finding the Transition Area again . When we bushwhacked straight from CP1 to CP2 , we thought we were looking for a CP on a hill , but we should have been looking for a CP in a sink . They 're kinda like opposites , ya know . So , we scoured the hill to the south of CP2 for about 45 minutes until we decided to reorient ourselves by going to the trail junction north of us and pace counting to the correct " hill " . When our pace counting put us smack dab in the middle of the sink , I realized my map reading error . Once in the correct location , we found the CP easily . Oh , the fun we had ! By now , we were sleepwalking zombies . It was probably close to 2AM and we hadn 't slept more than an hour in the last 65 hours . Once again I was brain dead and handed the maps over to Todd , who finished up the O - Course and led us to the Transition Area . Along the way we entered this massive sink that was also a prescribed burn . We came across a downed pine tree smoldering with glowing red embers inside of it . At the bottom of the sink was a huge tree with a CP hanging from it . I really wish we would have taken a picture of the area as it was surreal . But , the only thing on our mind was finishing this section and grabbing an hour of sleep before the dark zone lifted . We got back to the Transition Area at 3AM , just enough time to sleep for an hour before waking at 4AM in preparation for the 5AM race restart . Dragging yourself out of a warm sleeping bag after 1 hour of sleep , when it 's 45 degrees outside … AWESOME ! The race restart had us blasting down clay roads with washed out sections ready to grab your front tire and launch you head first into the darkness . Being the super bikers that we are , we got to watch taillights disappear into the night ahead of us . We had a couple of CPs to pick up along the way to the final boat section . This was a 28 mile final sprint and our team formed a pace line , more to look cool than to move any faster . Ana , always the unstoppable one , took the lead and pulled Todd and me along the streets of Crystal River . The last CP on this section was supposed to be collected on foot , but since the lead teams were allowed to go on bike , we were all given the option . This rooty , narrow berm of a trail was not meant for bike riding , at least not for us to be bike riding . On the way back from punching the control , Ana got close and personal with the mucky waters on either side of the berm . I looked back just in time to see her fly over her handlebars and crash face first into the muck 6 feet below . Thank goodness she saved her bike from any damage by having it land on top of her . I would have taken a picture if I wasn 't so worried that she was okay … and worried that she 'd slap the crap out of me if I tried . There is nothing better than rolling into a Denny 's after 72 hours of racing and smelling like swamp funk . After 3 days of solid racing , your body takes on a completely new level of stink . There is regular body odor , and sweaty man body odor , and then there is something I like to call Landfill funk … you know that special scent that makes you cough up a little vomit in the back of your throat on the first sniff . We were just about touching that level . Florida Xtreme nailed it ! This was the race we were looking for . Difficult , wild , adventure . The maps were great , the logistics were great , the volunteers were great . Superbly ran and organized from beginning to end . We can 't thank Junos , Ron , Dave , Manny , and the entire Florida Xtreme crew enough for putting on a superb race . To the volunteers , a heartfelt thank you for making this race amazing . I know how hard you all worked out there and it is appreciated by every single racer . And of course , thank you to the two best teammates I could ever hope for . All CPs need to be unambiguous or have a marker on them . 72 hours of racing is hard enough , don 't make us guess whether we have a photo of the right thing or not … or counted the right number of benches . It 's just down right frustrating to lose a point when you know you were in the right area . Not being able to speak for most racers , but for me and my ego , what I really want more than prizes or t - shirts are photos . I 'd rather the race directors pay someone , or get a volunteer , to take a boat load of photos of all the teams throughout the race and make them available for free . Because in the end , we 're all doing this for the memories . On April 3 , 2017April 3 , 2017 By DavidIn UncategorizedLeave a comment Okay , I try not to rant on this blog because honestly who wants to read someone 's ranting all the time . But , today is different . Today I want to talk about barriers to entry . I hear it all the time about how there are so many barriers to entry when it comes to adventure racing . Yep ! You 're right ! And that 's what makes this the " Best Damn Sport Ever " . It 's hard . Sometimes it 's a pain in the ass . Sometimes you get lost , or you don 't finish a race . Maybe your gear sucks . That 's life . I 'm not sorry . I 'm not apologetic . You want to play the game , then get the gear and get your butt out there and learn how to do it . You want convenient , go run a 5k . The course is marked . You 'll be done in 30 minutes and can go home with your t - shirt . You can impress your friends on Instagram with a couple of photos , hell you can probably tweet to them while running the course . There ya go , no barriers to entry . You probably already own a pair of shoes and you can probably swing the $ 30 entry fee . Enough with the hand holding and wondering how do we get the next generation into this sport . Maybe they 're too busy playing video games . That 's cool . People try things , they fail . Or perhaps they don 't do as well as they 'd like . It 's okay . We fail … all the time . It 's adventure racing . We 're not very good at it . There are some REAL teams out there crushing courses . We 'll never be half as good as them , but that 's okay . The allure of adventure racing isn 't how easy or fun it can be made . The allure is in the multi - faceted nature of it . You have to do the disciplines but you also have to manage your team , your gear , your nutrition , yourself . You have to be able to plot , to navigate , to read a map and compass . It 's a lot , and it 's hard , and it 's not for everyone . That 's okay too . I don 't like basketball , but I couldn 't imagine someone lowering the barriers of entry for me . I 'm sure no one is sitting around thinking … man , what if we make the hoop a little bigger , or the post a little shorter . Most people suck at dribbling , why don 't we just allow people to run with the ball instead of dribbling . You gotta pay to play . Gear , training , skills , experience , teamwork , If you want it , go get it . It 's not fair , but it 's worth every damn penny . On February 15 , 2017 By DavidIn Gear , InspirationLeave a comment Dude , I get it . Adventure Racing is not a mainstream sport . Most of your buddies have never heard of The Best Damn Sport Ever Created ™ ( Yeah , I made that up and trademarked it . ) What I don 't get is why teams want to look like they just rolled out of bed , threw on the first t - shirt they picked up off the floor , and accidentally rolled into the starting line of a race . Our local 4 - year old soccer team has uniforms . The local bowling league has uniforms . Hell , half of the damn tourists at Walt Disney World have matching outfits . Come on people ! You are adventure racers , you are athletes , most importantly you are part of a team ! You wanna be a team , look like a team ! Shirts . These days it can be really tough to find matching shirts with a Walmart on every corner and an Amazon on every computer . But , if you 're up for the challenge , I think you can do it . Better yet , step up your game and head over to our favorite place , Logo Sportswear . Custom apparel , fast turn around , no minimum orders . Inexpensive and good . What more do you need ? Did I get you psyched and now you want custom hats , jackets , and polos ? They got all that and a bag of chips ! Maybe not the chips , sorry , I got a little excited there . Accessorize . Yeah , you read that right … accessorize ! Don 't judge me , bro . Matching water bottles , compression socks , headbands , whatever . There are 20 different colors of duct tape for goodness sake . Pick a team color , any color ( except lime green of course ) and then accessorize . Getcha a sweet ass canopy from E - Z UP . They 're inexpensive , indestructible , and made in about any color you can imagine . And guess what , it rains and the sun is hot . Want a dry place to do your pre - race planning while everyone else gets soaked ? Done ! Want to chill in the shade with your team and a cold one post - race ? They gotcha covered . Don 't want to go all fancy dancy with matching colors ? That 's cool , they make them in basic black . Are you a super duper awesome race team or race company looking for custom printed graphics ? They can handle that for sure ! More poseur than pro ? Sure . But I 'm cool with that . If for a few hours out of the month I can pretend to be half as good as Nathan Fa ' avae , Kyle Peter , or Robyn Benincasa , count me in . Aren 't we all poseurs anyway ? I see you strolling around town in your Dan Marino , Miami Dolphins jersey . One , you picked a crappy team . Two , you 're in the wrong decade , maybe even the wrong century . Three , it 's okay . You want to be a part of something bigger than yourself , part of a team . That 's why you got into this . Adventure racing is a team sport . Get out there and look like a team ! Wekiwa Springs State Park was the location of the 2016 Florida State Championship AKA Turkey Burn 12Hr Adventure Race . Dave Brault and Jim Feudner teamed up to design another amazing race that pushed all the teams for everything they were worth . This was our first time at the Turkey Burn . Unfortunately , we were missing our # GetRad guy , Stephen , who was off doing stuff like getting married , adopting a dog , and working his ass off over in Europe … For the 4AM race start , Dave led the teams to the bottom of a sugar sand covered jeep trail . At go , we put on our best hardcore faces and pedaled for everything we were worth , until we passed the volunteer snapping photos 20 feet ahead . Once safely past , my race face changed to Mr . Huff and Puff and I concentrated on staying upright and not hyperventilating as my back tire churned up sand . In front of us , Good ' Nuff kicked up a cloud of sugar sand as they powered through , their taillights vanishing in the darkness . I have words for moments like that … special words . This section had 4 CPs that we had to get in order , and as much as we wanted to pull away from the other teams , they were having none of it . Behind us was a steady stream of lights with mere seconds between teams . This was no time to screw up and we cleared the section quickly , racing back to the Main TA where we had our first special test , making S ' mores at a campfire . Pretty sweet ! The start of Foot 1 presented us with our first strategic decision . We could either do the foot section while carrying our paddle gear , or clear the foot section and then go back to the Main TA to get our paddle gear before heading off to the canoe section . We decided to carry all of our paddle gear and raced out of the TA . Then we realized that they probably had PFDs at the canoes and it would be smarter to not carry ours . We ran back to the Main TA , dropped our PFDs , and raced out of there only to realize we forgot to grab extra water for the 4 hour canoe section . Crappy , crappy transition . Luckily , I helped us recover by totally screwing up the first checkpoint on the foot section . Why stay in second place when 5th is much more fun . Y ' all ready for a pro tip ? Here it is . The scale on an O - Course map is probably different than the scale on a 1 : 24000 map . You see , CP5 was only about 200 meters from the bend in the road if you use the right scale . Use the wrong scale and it looks more like 350 meters . It 's pretty stinking hard to find a little orange and white flag when your 150 meters past it , at night , in the woods . What 's really cool is if you can watch the headlights of other teams pass you as you struggle in vain to find the CP . I have plenty of these pro tips , ya just gotta ask . Boat ( ~ 12 miles ) The canoe along the Wekiva river was beautiful . The canoe along the backwater channels was hell . Of course , all of the CPs were along the backwater channels . According to many race directors , the word " canoe " is Native American for " hunk of fiberglass you push and pull over many downed trees . " Todd was nailing the nav on this section as we struggled to regain the time we lost on the previous foot section . After 3 . 5 hours of paddling and getting soaked to our waist from jumping in and out of the water , we were freezing and just wanted to get off the canoe . Once we landed , we ran back to the Main TA on numb feet and chattering teeth . It took the entire 15 minute run back for us to warm up . This section had us going in a clockwise direction to collect the CPs in order . Somewhere close to CP24 we ran into Ron , Courtney and Erik from Lost Cause . It was the first time we had seen another team since the paddle section . We ventured to CP24 and CP25 together , and after punching CP25 away they all flew like the down of a thistle . What the hell does that mean ? ! Seriously ! I 've heard that line for 44 years and still have no clue what it means … down of a thistle … whatever . Foot 2 is where the strategy started to come in . We were clearing the course up to this point . But , we knew that we wouldn 't be able to clear the entire course and doubted any other team would either . So , we had to make decisions to maximize our points . Todd and I debated two far away CPs . We estimated it would take us 30 - 40 minutes to grab them both and get back . I wanted to get them . Todd wanted to leave them and save our legs for the last foot section . In the end , I agreed with Todd and it ended up being a wise move . Mentally , it is hard to drop any points when you 're clearing a course , but who can resist Todd 's Cheesy McPleasy smile ? Not much to say on this section . I have little chicken legs and knew we wouldn 't be able to get many bike points , so we didn 't try . With the sugar sand trails that suck the life out of you , we knew we 'd end up killing ourselves for just a few points when there were more to get on foot . Instead , we raced to get the first easy bike CP and then headed right back to the Main TA and transitioned to foot . The final foot was the make or break section . We knew we had to clear it and get back as quickly as we could to have any chance of winning . There wasn 't any room for errors here and we tried to be as solid as we could with the navigation . With Ana pace counting and Todd spotting CPs with his super x - ray vision , we cleared this section efficiently . One final push to the Main TA and we finished after 11 : 31 : 00 of solid racing . There is this feeling you get in your gut when you get to the finish and realize you left 30 minutes and a whole bunch of checkpoints out on the course . It is not a pleasant feeling . It 's more like that feeling you get the day after you eat bad sushi . You have no idea what the other teams got and your mind replays the whole race and every point you left out there . Should we have gotten those two far checkpoints ? Could we have picked up one more on the bike ? 30 minutes is an eternity to wait . In the end it turned out great . We tied Lost Cause on points but won on time . Only thing left to do was eat some delicious spaghetti , check Todd over for ticks , pack up , and drive the 6 hours back home . As always , a big thanks to Dave , Jim , and all of the volunteers that made this event awesome ! There is nothing better than racing hard with great friends out in the beautiful woods of Florida . This is why we do it : On December 8 , 2016December 26 , 2016 By DavidIn GearLeave a comment Let 's talk hydration packs . Yeah , yeah I know it 's not sexy like a new carbon fiber 29er . But , as everyone knows , hydration is the key to racing success . Like many , my first water bladder came with my pack . It had some funky screw on cap , was a mess to fill and an absolute pain to clean . When I bought my MS - 1 pack from OutThere it didn 't come with a hydration bladder , so I had to go looking for one . I knew I wanted something bomb - proof . I 'm all about reliable gear and am willing to pay a little more for something I can absolutely rely on . Nobody wants a leaky bladder . I came across GEIGERRIG , now part of Aquamira , and was instantly intrigued by what I saw . Here was a hydration bladder that was pressurized . Sounds gimmicky you say ? Maybe . But think about it for a second . When I 'm huffing and puffing up some gradient that only sheep and billy goats should be climbing , it 's not easy sucking water out of a hydration bladder . With a few quick pumps of the air bladder , I can now get a stream of water . No more sucking on the hose until my eyes pop out . And , with that stream of water I can do lots of things . My teammates can now get a drink without putting their dirty mouths all over my bite valve . Hey , I race with these guys , I know where their mouths have been . Got mud in your eye ? A squirt of water and boom , done ! Need to rinse off your sunglasses ? Need to rinse a contact lens ? Need to fill a water bottle with water to add your last packet of Skratch but don 't want to take your pack off ? There are a lot of times when a little pressurized water is a great thing to have . What 's also super cool is that the hydration bladder has quick disconnects for the hoses . This means that I can remove the bladder from my pack , refill it , and not have to reroute my hoses . It also means that I can instantly add or remove GEIGERRIG 's in - line crypto or virus filters . So now you won 't have to worry if Team Adventure Medical Kits is upstream from you relieving themselves . You 've got filtration ! " But it 's added weight ! " I can hear the whining in the background . I 'm kidding , adventure racers don 't whine . Sure it is , everything we carry is added weight . You just have to decide if the benefits are worth it to you . But wait , no you don 't . You see , you don 't have to have the air tube and bulb . You want to go super light and fast ? Disconnect the air tube and the GEIGERRIG hydration bladder functions just like any other hydration bladder . You suck , water comes out . But I think once you give it a try , you 'll realize how nice it is to have pressurized water . Why do you think pro cyclists have squeeze bottles ? Pressure , my friend ! You don 't see riders in the peloton sucking water from a straw . That would be silly . Simply disconnect the hoses from the bladder . You can then remove the bladder from your pack while leaving your hoses installed . Then simply fill that bad boy up . Best of all , once you get back home , turn that bladder inside out and throw it in your dishwasher . It 's dishwasher safe my friend . Who wants to come home from a 3 - day race and scrub out a hydration bladder ? That 's right , no one . There you have it . If you need a hydration bladder , check out the GEIGERRIG Hydration Engine Video . And , if you 're looking for a hydration backpack , they have those as well . Got questions ? Drop us a comment below . We 're always happy to discuss our race gear . If you 'd like to check out more reviews by the pros who know , check them out here : There is nothing worse than the walk of shame . You know , that walk you have to make after you realize that you blew right past the first checkpoint in a race and have to slink back towards it . I don 't know what it is about the first checkpoint in an adventure race , but I always struggle with it . It 's like I 've never held a map and compass before . Who put this paper with all the squiggly lines in my hand and what am I supposed to do with this floating needle thingy ! ? Maybe it 's nerves or excitement or just turning off the nav when every team is racing to the same CP . I don 't know , but I hate it and I never feel settled until the first CP is punched . Howl at the Moon started off no differently . The good news is that Ron captured it all on camera … what a swell guy ! At CP1 there was an option to shorten the foot section by swimming across Kitching Creek . After taking a look at the inky black swamp water , I was all for the longer route . I 'm chicken , I know , I 'm okay with it . This decision added about 2 miles to our trek , making it 11 . 5 miles total . Other than this shortcut , I really didn 't see anywhere else to save time on this section , so we went around collecting CPs in order . Somewhere along CP3 , we ran into the Warriors , a couple from South Africa that are working in Florida . They 've done a few Expedition Africa adventure races and it was fun to talk with them . We stayed together until CP6 , where they decided to take a different route to CP7 . Pretty awesome that at a small adventure race in Florida we 'd run across a team from ½ way around the world . Last year we got to ride the Camp Murphey off road bike trails and were looking forward to riding them again this year . They are managed by www . clubscrub . org and are fantastic . This time , though , the CPs were not right on the trail . Four controls were " can 't miss " on - trail , but the remaining six were placed off - trail . Because we had ran the entire first foot section , we were able to do this technical bike section in daylight , which was a huge help . We were doing well , trying to catch up with Good ' Nuff , which is impossible for us on bike sections … or foot sections … or canoe sections , for that matter . Somewhere between CP20 and CP21 , we ran across a dog on the trail . No owners in sight , just wandering around . Of course Ana had to stop , check the collar , and call the owner . After 5 - 7 minutes trying to reunite the dog with its owner , they finally show up . A happy ending and we were back on the trail . From the main TA , we transitioned to canoe and started our paddle west along the Loxahatchee River . Night had descended , the little sliver of moon provided little illumination , and the beautiful Loxahatchee took on a spooky appearance as our headlamps swept across the water 's edge , illuminating cypress trees , mangrove roots and the yellow eyes of gators sheltered within them . Our first 3 CPs on the paddle where CPs 1 , 2 , and 4 from the foot trek section . We decided to land the canoe at CP1 and jog north to CP2 for fear that the shallow creek would make the paddle tougher . I think this saved us some time , but we lost 5 - 10 minutes trying to relocate CP1 , even though we had already been there previously on the foot section . Bummer ! After collecting CP1 & 2 , we crossed Kitching Creek by boat to get CP4 . This was another CP that should have been easy . We had been there before , we were at the right bend of the river , but we just didn 't spot it . Another 10 minutes wasted here , and I could feel my frustration level building . Just prior to reaching CP27 along Cypress Creek , we ran into the Warriors , heading back from the bridge where the CP was located . They had turned back in frustration , not being able to locate the checkpoint . They had also lost their passport along the way . We asked if they 'd like to search for the CP with us , but at this point their frustration level was too high and they were ready to head back . When we got to the bridge , I could tell why . We couldn 't find the CP either . The clue was , " Date on Pile N bank Cypress Creek . " We looked at the north bridge pylon for a date and didn 't see it . We looked at all of the bridge pylons for a date and didn 't see any . We forded the creek and looked at all the pylons on the south side of the creek for a date … nothing . We were frustrated and ready to turn back too until we checked the southbound I - 95 pylon and saw a date scratched into the concrete . We ran back to the pylon on the north bank of cypress creek and maybe a foot from the base was the date . I guess our headlamps had made it difficult to see . Had we known what we were looking for , this would have taken us seconds . Instead it took us 15 minutes . At CP28 we ran into the same problem . This time it wasn 't the date , we knew where to find that . Instead , the clue was , " DOT # Casting # Above N . Pile Cap . " Once again , I had no clue what I was looking for , but we were told there would be an FLX sign with an arrow pointing to it so we would know we got the right number . 17 minutes wasted here and all I can say is … The final section would be a bike to all of the controls we hit during the foot section . However , this time , instead of punching the controls , we were to take pictures of ourselves at a few of them . Once again CP1 would cause us problems . We had already been here twice during this race , so I have no idea why we couldn 't find it easily . I swear Ron was moving it a few yards further south each time we went out to look for it . After CP1 , we rode up to CP2 , and here I made my genius move of the race . You see , when we were here on foot , we decided to cross the creek and bushwhack to the next checkpoint . In my head I was thinking , " Just do what you did on the foot section . " So , I did . We crossed the creek with our bikes and bike - whacked through to the trail . Now , Ana has had to tolerate a lot of stupid things from me over the past 20 years of marriage . But nothing … NOTHING … has been as stupid as making her haul her bike through this jungle of sawtooth palmettos , briars , and vines . The double bonus was that ½ way through the mess , I realized that there was a much quicker , much easier way to get where we wanted to go and all of it along perfectly groomed bike trail . But , being ½ way through , it made no sense to turn around now , so we pushed through . The woods of Jonathan Dickinson State Park still echo with my screams and curses ! Another 25 minutes wasted . The good news though is that somewhere along the trail we met up with Running in Circles . This group of four firefighters were definitely running circles around us . They had a late night and had to start the race an hour behind everyone else , and here they were at the front of the pack . With an hour credit , there was no reason to race them to the finish line and there was no way we were going to catch Good ' Nuff , so we just cruised it in , picking up the final CPs and enjoying the conversations along the way . Sometimes you have to throttle it back and just enjoy the fun of it all . Once again , FLX Adventures put on a fun race . Jonathan Dickinson is a great park and the single track is amazing . Most of all , I 'm very grateful that Ana didn 't kill me in the middle of the night during that horrendous bike whack .

On May 7 , 2017May 9 , 2017 By DavidIn GearLeave a comment Pour yourself a cup of coffee , get comfortable , and let me ruminate for a little bit on our first DNF . It was the 30 - hour Atomic race , our first attempt at a race lasting more than 8 hours . It was night and we were trying to locate a control in a reentrant . Not being very good at navigation , and not wanting to lose our reference point , I had Ana stand at the top of a knoll with a flashlight while I searched the 30 or so tiny reentrants that surrounded us . Knowing that I could just look back at any time and see Ana 's light , I wasn 't paying any attention to my compass . But , then it started to downpour and visibility became nil . I could no longer see Ana 's light and I had no idea which direction to go to get back to her . In two seconds I went from knowing where I was to being lost and not being able to find my team . I yelled for Ana , but she couldn 't hear me over the rain . Don 't believe me ? Go try it sometime . The next time it rains , go in the forest and yell for all your worth . I like to do this anytime Ana tells me she wants to repaint the house . It 's crazy how therapeutic it is . It 's also amazing how no one can hear you . Your voice just doesn 't travel well in the woods , especially during a downpour . It wasn 't until after the rain stopped that I could finally hear Ana yelling for me . Thank god she hadn 't moved from her spot or we would have really been in trouble . I finally spotted her flashlight and made my way to the top of the knoll , where she asked me if I had been crying . I told her of course not , it was just rain washing the mud off my face . It was a scary feeling indeed , and while I can share many more stories of us getting lost , no one has enough time to read them all . So , why am I telling you this ? It 's because I want you to think about one piece of lowly gear that a lot of people overlook , your whistle . It 's mandatory gear in every race I 've ever been in . In the past I would have just gone to Walmart and picked up any old whistle in order to comply with the rules , or relied on the one that came with my backpack . But , those are crap and mandatory gear shouldn 't be crap . Imagine your team is bombing a downhill at night and the last rider goes over a ledge . You may not even realize it at first . It 's happened with us on a training ride and it was three or four minutes before we even knew we lost a teammate . We 're not inconsiderate jerks , it 's just that it 's hard to look behind you when you 're going downhill , even as slow as we are . We know of other teams where someone has fallen off of a railroad truss and needed assistance . There is no quicker way to bring help then by alerting your team , or other racers , with a super loud whistle . And the best whistle out there is made by ACME Whistles . Now look , don 't get upset thinking that you just got sucked into reading a commercial for ACME Whistles . I 'm only sharing this with you because I love our blog readers and I want you to be safe out there . Stuff happens when you 're in the wild , and it can get serious very quickly . Don 't peg your hopes on crap gear . Spend five bucks and get yourself and your team members a quality whistle . We have the ACME Tornado 636 for our PFDs and the ACME T2000 for our backpacks . How loud are these thing ? How about 117dB for the 636 ! What 's a dB ? I don 't know , and it doesn 't matter . What matters is that 117dB is louder than if you were standing 3 feet from your car horn and someone honked it at you … in other words LOUD ! And that 's what you want . Loud , dependable , and Day - Glo green ( because that 's the best color ever ) . Actually , they make lots of different colors , so get your favorite . As a thank you for making it through another rambling post of mine , like the post on Facebook by midnight on 5 / 10 / 17 and we 'll choose four people to send a free whistle to . We 'll even cover the postage . How cool is that ? On May 2 , 2017May 2 , 2017 By DavidIn Adventure RaceLeave a comment After doing a couple of these adventure races , you would think we 'd know what the hell we were doing . But , that wasn 't the case during the 2017 Earth Day 18 Hour Adventure Race by Florida Xtreme . Sure , we ended up 3rd overall , but that 's due to a mispunch by two kickass teams that beat us to the finish by over an hour and a half . They were so fast that they were eating breakfast at Waffle House while we were still out on the course dreaming of Waffle House . If you 're looking for an adventure race that is going to take you to some wild and beautiful locations , with some fun twists and turns thrown in , then look no further than one directed by Craig Sheriff . Craig does a great job of hunting out cool locations and integrating them into a challenging course . Bike 1 For us , the misadventures began instantly . The race started off with a short foot sprint and then a dash to find two CPs along the East Cadillac Trail . We were 3rd , just behind ARGeorgia and Off the Grid Racing . We hit the twisting single track , nailing the first CP and then completely blew by CP2 . It seems that when I transcribed the location of CP2 , I put it too far east . We saw a control , but thought it was a sport race CP and didn 't even stop to check it . Oops . We then had to backtrack to the control as 6 - 8 teams flew by . Our next big mess up was at CP7 . I guess while I was busy shoving Snickers in my pie - hole , I must have missed where Fern trail branched off from the dirt road and jumped back into the woods . Had I seen the fork , we would have quickly found the small wooden bridge we were looking for and been on our merry way . Instead , we got to spend 15 minutes scooting across a gas pipeline to cross a creek and look for a CP that was not there . The cool thing is that we were so sure we were in the right place we did it twice , until Bill Dean and his brother rode by and told us we were idiots for looking in the wrong location . Looking at my map now , it 's easy to see that we overshot the location . At the time , not so much . Having screwed up two controls in less than two hours , we were not off to a good start and were probably 12th or 13th place by now . Calves ablaze , we descended the stairs and biked off toward the Tallahassee Museum . Along the way , we biked past the FSU stadium and then had to find a CP in the Munson Slough . Bill and his brother were kind enough to give us a hand getting our bikes down , and we returned the favor to them . At the Tallahassee Museum , we got to experience our first zip line ever . The sun was setting as we climbed obstacles and soared through the trees . It was an incredible experience that I know all of the racers enjoyed . We can 't wait to come back with our kids and do it again . The only bad part was when Ana decided to do some product testing for Lupine by tossing her headlamp from the top of one of the platforms , into the swamp below . Forty feet up and surrounded by swamp water , there was no way down and no way to recover the light . Lucky for us though , she dropped her headlamp into the water at a canoe checkpoint , CP14 . Our only chance at recovering the light was to canoe to that control and search for it later that night . Night was rapidly approaching and the first order of business was to go straight to CP14 ( Near Zip Line ) and try to recover our headlamp . After a quick search , we found it in about 2 feet of water and it still worked perfectly . I love Lupine . What I don 't love is canoeing in a swamp at night without a light ! I wish we had taken more photos during the race to better show you what it was like at night , but we were playing catch up the whole time and photos were the last things on our minds . Just imagine that you are surrounded by cypress trees that are all identical and you can 't make out the shoreline because it is so dark . No matter which way you looked , everything looked the same . It was like a bad text - based video game from the 80 's . It was eerily beautiful . Our headlamps created a perfect reflection of the cypress trees on the black water as we paddled around the labyrinth of trees . As we were looking for CP20 ( Distinct Cypress ) we heard this voice in the darkness … Hello ? Lionel ? Adele ? Nope , it was Mac Kelly from Chub Solo . His headlamp had gone out and he was drifting in the darkness . How he didn 't freak out , I don 't know . We loaned him one of our lights and said he could either give it back to us at the end of the race or tag along with us . He decided to tag along … silly guy . We got to enjoy his company and he got to enjoy getting lost in the woods with us . For CP21 , we had to follow pink streamers down a small creek to locate a pond . But the creek ended up turning into nothing but a mucky " trail " , through which we portaged our canoes . And thank goodness we took our canoes because once we finally got to the pond , there was no way we were wading across a chest - deep pond in the middle of the night . Some teams did , but then some teams are just flippin ' crazy ! Finishing the paddle took us forever , and it was well into the night when we started our first foot section . Craig had warned us that the foot section was going to be hard . He also suggested we attempt it in reverse order . We didn 't listen … we were stupid . The first two controls were along trails and easy enough to find , but then it all went downhill . By the time we got to CP26 ( West Side of Bradford Brook ) we had somehow caught up with ARGeorgia , Off the Grid Racing , and Florida Xtreme . It seems the paddle and foot section were giving lots of teams problems . Somewhere prior to CP27 , we met up with Ron Eaglin , " The Human Compass " and his team , Florida Xtreme . Since we were all walking at this point , we ended up finding CPs 27 & 28 together . I don 't really like following other teams to controls , because I don 't feel like I learn anything that way , so we broke away from Florida Xtreme going towards CP29 . Not the wisest of choices . Ron is a really good navigator and staying with them would have ensured we found the remaining controls quickly . Instead we went on a 40 minute swamp stomp . On the map , CP29 looks straight forward . From CP28 , shoot southwest until you hit the stream and follow it south until it forks … easy peasy . Except that the creek turned into a swamp and we never could locate the fork . We worked our way south down the creek and eventually gave up and bailed east to the powerlines . To reattack , we headed northwest towards the powerline / creek intersection , pace counted southeast until we hit the powerline / trail intersection and headed straight west and found the control without any problems . Sounds easy now . Forty minutes wasted and we never saw Florida Xtreme , ARGeorgia , or Off the Grid Racing again . When we finished up Foot1 , we had to return to the boat and then paddle back to the Boat TA , where we had originally launched . Todd was working the boat nav and doing a great job , Ana was in the front being the motor , and I was in the back smashing palm - sized spiders before they crawled up Todd 's leg . Todd loves spiders … and ticks . He really loves ticks . Once again , I was leading the nav and doing a freakingly stellar job of it . We were jogging along an old road to CP39 , because the clue was , " Along an Old Road . " However , when the road ended and we didn 't find the control , I wasn 't surprised given the way the night was going . The old road intersected with a new road . So , we turned around and pace counted to where the control should be . But , there was no control . We looked in the woods where we thought the control should be , but nope , no control . So , back up to the intersection to see if there was another old road that ran parallel to the one we were on . I didn 't see one , so back down the old road we went . When we got to the same spot again , I said screw it , I 'm heading east until we hit the lake . And that 's when I found another road running parallel to the one we were on . And you know what was along that parallel road . Yep , the control . Good times . We had a couple of more controls on this section , and one of them had us pick up a Natural Ice can left behind by someone who thought it would be cool to drink Natural Ice and litter . Neither of which is cool . I felt good cleaning up a little piece of the forest , I felt bad sucking at navigation all night . Perhaps a Natty Light or two would have helped . It definitely wouldn 't have hurt by this point . Finally done with the foot sections , it was time to climb back on the bikes , except that Ana 's tire was completely flat . It seems her bike maintainer was a little too lazy to add more anti - leak goop to her tires before the race . She probably would have fired the bum by now if he wasn 't so damn sexy in bike shorts . A couple of blasts of compressed air and a prayer that it would hold together for 3 hours , and we were off . CP43 had us bushwhack 35 meters into a tree line from a wooden fence along the St . Marks Historic Railroad Trail which put us nearly into someone 's backyard . Pitch black , headlamps on , dogs barking their heads off and some dude yelling , " What the hell is going on out here ! " I 'm just praying , " Oh dear Lord , please don 't let that man release his dogs because I am stuck in these briers and my legs are too cramped to run . " Todd kept calling out , " Sir , we are NOT trying to get to your house . We are in a race and looking for a flag . We are NOT coming onto your property " . Ever try to explain adventure racing to someone ? Try explaining it to someone who thinks you 're trying to sneak onto their property at night , while their dogs are going nuts . Oh , the fun we have ! Ana 's knee was absolutely killing her by now , and she was reduced to pedaling with one leg . I didn 't know if she was going to be able to manage the hills of Tallahassee , much less the final single track section . None of us had a towline , so we slowly worked our way towards the finish , picking up CP 's along the way and waiting for teams to pass us before we could finish . I think it would have absolutely crushed her to have another team pass us on the bike . But , if they had , it would have been due to my bad navigation throughout the night , not her bad knee . The final paddle was a 2 hour push through lily pad covered waterways . I was unsure when the official race time was over , so we paddled as hard as we could to try to finish by 10AM . Todd was doing a great job of navigating us through the mess . I don 't think we made a single navigational error . We did end up blowing by CP55 ( on an old dock ) and having to turn around to find it . I 'd like to think it was because our blazing paddles had us going so fast . Truth is , it was because all of us were looking towards the shoreline … you know the place where most old docks are . We 're all looking off to the right side of the boat as we slowly cruise past the flag on our left . This was an all - around tough race that had us in race salvage mode the entire time . My navigation was probably the worst it has ever been . However , I couldn 't be more proud of the way the team held together and kept racing . We weren 't the fastest by a long shot . But , I feel like we kept pushing and stayed in race mode even when things got sucky . Our race results ended up being much better than we expected . Many teams fought hard and were amazingly fast the entire time . Ron and Florida Xtreme ended up in 1st , which is no surprise for anyone that has raced against Ron . Congratulations to his team on the win ! As always , this was another great Florida Xtreme race and we can 't thank Craig , John , and all the volunteers for the work they put into making this a success . The course was top - notch and the zip lining was amazing . A big thanks to the Tallahassee Museum for putting up with 50 stinky racers tromping around their property . As always , we greatly appreciate those that have chosen to support our team . Please take a second and check out their gear . If we 're using it , it 's because we like it . On April 28 , 2017April 28 , 2017 By DavidIn Inspiration , UncategorizedLeave a comment Like many people , our family has been affected by cancer and we want to get involved in stopping this disease . We are trying to help raise funds for the American Cancer Society through the Relay for Life . If you would like to help by donating , please visit our Relay for Life Team Page and make a single donation . Pick the challenge depending on how brave , or how much money you are willing to part with … or come up with your own . How about how many lunges Ana can do around the track ? Or , a dollar for every minute she rubs my aching feet ? We 're game for anything legal . The event last 12 hours and each lap is 1 / 4 mile . How do you describe a 72 - hour , non - stop adventure race ? I don 't think you really can . It 's almost impossible to describe , especially to those that have never done one . When I try to tell people about it , I can 't seem to capture how exciting , rewarding , tough , exhausting and ultimately fun a race like this is . In addition , most people seem to have a 2 minute attention span and a 3 - day race isn 't something that you can describe with an elevator pitch . So , for those that enjoy the archaic hobby of reading things longer than a Facebook post , here 's my vain attempt … Follow along with full race maps here I guess the race started at Ponce Inlet . I find it hilarious that when people ask me where the race started , I really can 't tell them . " Somewhere on the east coast of Florida " is what I usually answer . " But , I know we finished at the Plantation Inn & Golf Resort in Crystal River . " You see , before the race begins and we 're given our 48 maps , we don 't know where the race will start . We know where it ends because that 's where we parked our cars , and eventually you 'll want to find your car . After a 3hr bus ride to the other side of Florida , we had enough time to drop the browns off at the Super Bowl , butter the biscuits , and do a last minute gear check before embarking on our epic race . I 'm usually super nervous until I find the first checkpoint ( CP ) and truly get my bearing . For this race , the first CP was along a pier right in front of us , even Team Disoriented can nail that . The rest of the section was a simple trek around Ponce Inlet , hitting a couple of local spots , and taking photos along the way . There is nothing sweeter than the sound of oyster shells scraping along the bottom of your fiberglass canoe , trying to rip it open like the Titanic . Of course , being the conscientious adventure racers that we are , we would never , ever subject our canoe to that type of abuse . But then again , we weren 't using our canoe … We followed a few teams through the labyrinth of shallow oyster beds , collecting 2 CPs and ending with a nice little portage . How long was the portage you ask ? Oh , about ¼ mile passed pissed off . The canoe drop was just before we got started on the really good curse words . Our first bike section of the race started with a time trial of the Spruce Creek Bike Trail Network . Follow the trail they said . You can 't get lost they said . Hmm funny how we ran into 2 other teams that had gone around in a big loop after missing a critical turn . We decided to throttle back our mad mountain biking skilz ( yeah , that 's skilz with a z ) to not mess up the navigation on this . We definitely didn 't break any time trial records here , but we did get all the CPs . After the time trial , we had 4 other CPs to collect along the way to the next section . This was a mix of off - road / jeep trails and some city roads . One of the cool CPs was at the Sopotnick 's Cabbage Patch Bar , a well - known bike bar … for dudes with tats , skull rings , chains , and leather jackets . Not for dudes in spandex shorts on bicycles . Actually , they were really cool and allowed us to get a drink , so long as we got the hell out of there . The last CP for this leg was at JC 's Bikes & Boards . Adventure South Racing was stopped here getting their derailleur fixed . How awesome is that ? ! If you 're ever in the area and need to stop at a bike shop , hit them up . Here 's the dealio . I hate cutoffs , especially early cutoffs . Yeah yeah , I know , strategery is a part of adventure racing blah blah blah . My issue is that only 2 teams , Rev3 & Good ' Nuff , cleared the course up to Section 4 and made the time cutoff ( and hats off to both teams for making it ) . We missed it by 20 minutes , clearing the course up to that point . Unfortunately , the early cutoff set the race for us and many other teams and removed the possibility for any late race rallies . By 4 : 30PM on the first day , both top teams knew that all they had to do was clear the course and they were assured a 1 - 2 place finish . Mentally , this is a strong position to be in … much different than knowing a team can come from behind and take a spot from you . Oh well . Our mistake . We totally own it and know we should have pushed harder in the beginning . Now , I don 't know about you , but I had no idea that Indian Mounds looked like park benches . I guess if I were an Indian building a mound , I might want a bench on top of the mound so that I could take a nice leisurely view of the surrounding forest , maybe eat a sandwich or opossum , or whatever Indians ate back then . I don 't really know , but I do know that ambiguous clues are no fun . Especially when there isn 't a control at the location . Were we on the right trail ? Should there be a sign that says " Indian Mound " ? Are we supposed to ignore the " Trail Ends Here " sign and go look for an Indian mound ? We decided to reattack this CP from another trail and ended up in the same location . So we snapped a photo of the bench and said & ^@ # ! it after wasting 30 - 40 minutes . I love night treks . No , really , I do . There is something indescribably exciting and enchanting about night trekking . It 's quiet and spooky and fun all at the same time . Owls hoot , critters and creatures run about in the woods around you . You feel like there isn 't another soul around for miles . It 's just mesmerizing . We fast trekked this section , nailing the navigation and making pretty good time while enjoying each other 's company and trying not to migrate onto private property . Walking onto private property at 3AM in the middle of the woods is no bueno . Section 7 was a 22 mile bike loop for 2 CPs that some teams opted not to do . That 's a pretty good decision when you know that after the 22 mile loop , you had another 30 miles on the bike before the next transition area ( TA ) . That 's a total of 7 - 8 hours of butt - blistering biking . Our plan was to do the short loop for 1 point and to skip the long loop . We were looking for " CP19 - Bike Loop Trail Cutoff Sign " which translated into American means " CP19 - Alexander Springs Sign " . Maybe other teams weren 't confused , but I 'm a pretty simple guy . If someone says , take a photo of the blue sign , I 'm looking for a blue sign . And if the clue says , " Bike Loop Trail Cutoff Sign " then I 'm looking for a sign that says , " Bike Loop Trail Cutoff " or " Bike Cutoff " or " Trail Cutoff " or " Cutoff " or at least 1 of the 4 words used in the clue . I 'm not looking for a sign that says ' " Peanuts this way " or " Unicorns are Awesome " but maybe that 's just me . After doing ½ of the first loop , Todd was super excited about going on to do the long loop as well . Especially since doing so might make us miss the O - course cutoff at Sunnyhill for 9 points . I can fondly remember the words of encouragement and the hug he gave me once we got to the top of the loop … Once we finished the double bike loop , we still had 30 miles of trail biking to do through the Ocala National Forest . The clue sheet offered this sage advice , " Select checkpoints in this ride wisely , many of the roads and trails along this segment can be sandy or muddy . " I 'm not sure how you select roads and trails wisely when you don 't know the area , I mean you might as well say , " Shake your Magic 8 - Ball and rattle some chicken bones for good juju because if you don 't you 'll be stuck in 8 inches of the softest damn sand you 've ever tried to ride through . " Riding in sugar sand is like … well , it 's like CRAP ! That 's the best I have . It 's crap , piled on top of crap . We rode into Sunnyhill to start the O - Course and were greeted with gator - filled canals that created a labyrinth of water . Picking the wrong path took you to a dead - end where the only options were to turn back or go through the canal . After seeing a few toothsome gators hiding in the duckweed , we decided there would be no swimming or canal crossings on this section . After plotting 9 UTM points , we headed out . There was a 9PM cutoff to finish this section , but we had plenty of time . Once out on the course , we realized how far apart the controls were and that the nav wasn 't going to be as straight forward as we originally thought . Our first route choice took us to a dead - end where we had to turn back . The distances seemed to be much further than indicated on the map , but looking at Google Maps post - race , the scale was right on . I think it was more of an optical illusion because the land was flat and treeless and you could see a long distance . We struggled a bit on this section . I ended up dropping my watch on the way to CP33 - River Cabin and had to backtrack to find it . Green watch dropped in green grass … yeah that was about as fun as you can imagine . This was my 2nd watch , the first I lost at USARA Nationals last year and I wasn 't about to leave this one behind . Luckily Ana was running strong and could race ahead to look for it while Todd and I limped along . CP34 - Big Cedar gave us the most trouble as we tried twice to attack it from the west . After two failed attempts , we were going to bail on it , but since we had to go past it to finish the course , we decided to attack it once more from the east . As we got close to the attack point , we had a large black bear walk out of the woods onto the trail in front of us . We were contemplating what to do next until the second , larger bear stepped out onto the trail . That pretty much solidified our decision to get the hell out of there . Now , maybe others would have kept moving towards the bears , but I 've never heard anyone advising that you should walk towards a bear with a backpack full of food when it stands between you and were you want to go . I 'm sure some have tried it . There 's a special award for those people , a Darwin Award . Our next CP was CP30 - Small Clearing for Bears . Just fantastic . Dusk is settling in , we 've already seen two bears , and now we 're heading into a small clearing for bears . For five minutes we hunted around a clearing full of bear poop with backpacks full of nuts , berries , chocolate … you know all those things that bears eat . I felt like we were walking snack packs for the bears . Hey BooBoo ! Why don 't we go eat one of those walking picnic baskets ? By now , I was mentally drained and couldn 't nav anymore . I handed the map over to Todd and he finished up the O - Course , guiding us to the remaining checkpoints and the transition area . During this section there was also a full - on search and rescue going on . We didn 't know if someone was attacked by a bear , eaten by an alligator , or lost on the Oklawaha paddle . With a helicopter flying overhead , and sirens going off , we were really worried for whoever had called for help . But , that 's a story you 'll have to read about on the Canyoneros blog post . Forever to be known as " The Paddle " , the Oklawaha paddle was just about the hardest section of any race we 've done so far . Our first plan was to sleep for 20 - 30 minutes at the TA before heading out on the paddle . So , we ate a Cup ' O ' Noodles and putzed around the TA wasting a lot of time before deciding that we should go out , paddle up to the dam and sleep there for 20 - 30 minutes before finishing the paddle . That would break up the 5 hour paddle and allow us some sleep . I knew it was forecasted to get cold and the sooner we got the paddle done , the better off we would be . Exhausted , we launched our canoe and paddled , collecting 2 CPs along the way . By the time we reached the dam , Ana was soaked and freezing and we were all on the verge of collapse . We portaged our canoe around the dam and tried to catch 20 minutes of sleep in the women 's bathroom . You know you 're pretty stinking tired if you 're willing to curl up on a public bathroom floor to get some rest . After 20 minutes of shivering and shaking without sleeping , we decided to hit the water again . By now , Ana was wrapped in her Survive Outdoors Longer Emergency Blanket , cold weather gear , rain gear and puffy jacket . Little did we know how miserable a 3 hour paddle would be after racing for 36 solid hours and having the temperature drop to 38 degrees . Along the paddle I saw green lasers being shot across the river , Ana saw castles , Todd saw little men . We all heard voices and felt that at times we were either paddling uphill or downhill . With the change in temperature , there was such a mist on the river that Ana couldn 't see anything in front of her . It was like driving in fog with high beams on . Imagine someone threw a white sheet over your head and then told you to paddle while they constantly threw cups of cold water at your face . Good times , right ? However , it wasn 't until we finally landed and had to hike 1 . 5 miles to the transition area that we realized just how cold we were . We were completely soaked and with uncontrollable shaking and chattering teeth , we carried all of our paddling gear to the TA where the most awesome volunteers had a small fire and hot chocolate available . Chris and Sonia , you were literally life savers . Thank you ! Before heading out on the trek , we decided to grab an hour sleep at the TA . This was our first sleep of the race and we went unconscious as soon as we stopped moving . This trek was along the Florida National Scenic Trail to the Historic Santos Recreation Area . There weren 't any real navigation decisions to be made here and we simply followed the trail to the TA . With Todd picking the lines , we " flew " through this section . At least in my mind I was flying , and looking pretty awesome doing it . You 'll just have to take my word for it . After getting through the climbs and switchbacks on Nayls and Ern N Burn , Ana was ready for a stiff drink . I was ready to get off the bike for awhile , but we still had miles to go . The last single track section , Tricycle , seemed to last FOR … E … VER ! After the previous , more technical sections that made you stay focused , this part was a little more mundane and having only 1 hour of sleep so far , it was getting hard to keep our head in the game . We weren 't sure where the last CP was , just that it was along the trail somewhere . It 's always a little unnerving not knowing where the controls are , but the race directors did a great job placing them so you couldn 't miss them . Had the race directors placed the CPs on the map , teams could easily bypass the more technical and fun parts of the trail in exchange for getting to the controls faster . Once we got out of Santos , we still had a few miles of street riding to do before reaching the next TA . Once we hit the road , we met up with Nativos Colombia and a few other teams . Nativos Colombia are crazy fast on the bike and flew past us . I knew we weren 't the fastest cyclists out there but man what an eye opener . It must be our bikes … yeah , definitely our bikes . And a loud hub , I need a loud hub . I heard they make you go crazy fast . The O - course section was a dark zone where all teams were stopped until 5AM Sunday morning . While here , they had the option of completing up to four O - courses of varying difficulty . The way it worked is that you picked one of the four courses and returned to the TA after completing each one and before heading out on the next one . Once your team decided it was finished , you were off the race clock until the dark zone was lifted . Clearing the first course was pretty easy , but then we couldn 't find the Transition Area again . I can 't explain how frustrating it is to be able to locate a 12in x 12in orange and white flag out in the middle of a forest and then not be able to locate a clearing with two U - Haul trucks , 100 + bicycles , and racers milling about . We stumbled around for a little while , ending up in the regular campers section of the park before finally finding the Transition Area again . When we bushwhacked straight from CP1 to CP2 , we thought we were looking for a CP on a hill , but we should have been looking for a CP in a sink . They 're kinda like opposites , ya know . So , we scoured the hill to the south of CP2 for about 45 minutes until we decided to reorient ourselves by going to the trail junction north of us and pace counting to the correct " hill " . When our pace counting put us smack dab in the middle of the sink , I realized my map reading error . Once in the correct location , we found the CP easily . Oh , the fun we had ! By now , we were sleepwalking zombies . It was probably close to 2AM and we hadn 't slept more than an hour in the last 65 hours . Once again I was brain dead and handed the maps over to Todd , who finished up the O - Course and led us to the Transition Area . Along the way we entered this massive sink that was also a prescribed burn . We came across a downed pine tree smoldering with glowing red embers inside of it . At the bottom of the sink was a huge tree with a CP hanging from it . I really wish we would have taken a picture of the area as it was surreal . But , the only thing on our mind was finishing this section and grabbing an hour of sleep before the dark zone lifted . We got back to the Transition Area at 3AM , just enough time to sleep for an hour before waking at 4AM in preparation for the 5AM race restart . Dragging yourself out of a warm sleeping bag after 1 hour of sleep , when it 's 45 degrees outside … AWESOME ! The race restart had us blasting down clay roads with washed out sections ready to grab your front tire and launch you head first into the darkness . Being the super bikers that we are , we got to watch taillights disappear into the night ahead of us . We had a couple of CPs to pick up along the way to the final boat section . This was a 28 mile final sprint and our team formed a pace line , more to look cool than to move any faster . Ana , always the unstoppable one , took the lead and pulled Todd and me along the streets of Crystal River . The last CP on this section was supposed to be collected on foot , but since the lead teams were allowed to go on bike , we were all given the option . This rooty , narrow berm of a trail was not meant for bike riding , at least not for us to be bike riding . On the way back from punching the control , Ana got close and personal with the mucky waters on either side of the berm . I looked back just in time to see her fly over her handlebars and crash face first into the muck 6 feet below . Thank goodness she saved her bike from any damage by having it land on top of her . I would have taken a picture if I wasn 't so worried that she was okay … and worried that she 'd slap the crap out of me if I tried . There is nothing better than rolling into a Denny 's after 72 hours of racing and smelling like swamp funk . After 3 days of solid racing , your body takes on a completely new level of stink . There is regular body odor , and sweaty man body odor , and then there is something I like to call Landfill funk … you know that special scent that makes you cough up a little vomit in the back of your throat on the first sniff . We were just about touching that level . Florida Xtreme nailed it ! This was the race we were looking for . Difficult , wild , adventure . The maps were great , the logistics were great , the volunteers were great . Superbly ran and organized from beginning to end . We can 't thank Junos , Ron , Dave , Manny , and the entire Florida Xtreme crew enough for putting on a superb race . To the volunteers , a heartfelt thank you for making this race amazing . I know how hard you all worked out there and it is appreciated by every single racer . And of course , thank you to the two best teammates I could ever hope for . All CPs need to be unambiguous or have a marker on them . 72 hours of racing is hard enough , don 't make us guess whether we have a photo of the right thing or not … or counted the right number of benches . It 's just down right frustrating to lose a point when you know you were in the right area . Not being able to speak for most racers , but for me and my ego , what I really want more than prizes or t - shirts are photos . I 'd rather the race directors pay someone , or get a volunteer , to take a boat load of photos of all the teams throughout the race and make them available for free . Because in the end , we 're all doing this for the memories . On April 3 , 2017April 3 , 2017 By DavidIn UncategorizedLeave a comment Okay , I try not to rant on this blog because honestly who wants to read someone 's ranting all the time . But , today is different . Today I want to talk about barriers to entry . I hear it all the time about how there are so many barriers to entry when it comes to adventure racing . Yep ! You 're right ! And that 's what makes this the " Best Damn Sport Ever " . It 's hard . Sometimes it 's a pain in the ass . Sometimes you get lost , or you don 't finish a race . Maybe your gear sucks . That 's life . I 'm not sorry . I 'm not apologetic . You want to play the game , then get the gear and get your butt out there and learn how to do it . You want convenient , go run a 5k . The course is marked . You 'll be done in 30 minutes and can go home with your t - shirt . You can impress your friends on Instagram with a couple of photos , hell you can probably tweet to them while running the course . There ya go , no barriers to entry . You probably already own a pair of shoes and you can probably swing the $ 30 entry fee . Enough with the hand holding and wondering how do we get the next generation into this sport . Maybe they 're too busy playing video games . That 's cool . People try things , they fail . Or perhaps they don 't do as well as they 'd like . It 's okay . We fail … all the time . It 's adventure racing . We 're not very good at it . There are some REAL teams out there crushing courses . We 'll never be half as good as them , but that 's okay . The allure of adventure racing isn 't how easy or fun it can be made . The allure is in the multi - faceted nature of it . You have to do the disciplines but you also have to manage your team , your gear , your nutrition , yourself . You have to be able to plot , to navigate , to read a map and compass . It 's a lot , and it 's hard , and it 's not for everyone . That 's okay too . I don 't like basketball , but I couldn 't imagine someone lowering the barriers of entry for me . I 'm sure no one is sitting around thinking … man , what if we make the hoop a little bigger , or the post a little shorter . Most people suck at dribbling , why don 't we just allow people to run with the ball instead of dribbling . You gotta pay to play . Gear , training , skills , experience , teamwork , If you want it , go get it . It 's not fair , but it 's worth every damn penny . On February 15 , 2017 By DavidIn Gear , InspirationLeave a comment Dude , I get it . Adventure Racing is not a mainstream sport . Most of your buddies have never heard of The Best Damn Sport Ever Created ™ ( Yeah , I made that up and trademarked it . ) What I don 't get is why teams want to look like they just rolled out of bed , threw on the first t - shirt they picked up off the floor , and accidentally rolled into the starting line of a race . Our local 4 - year old soccer team has uniforms . The local bowling league has uniforms . Hell , half of the damn tourists at Walt Disney World have matching outfits . Come on people ! You are adventure racers , you are athletes , most importantly you are part of a team ! You wanna be a team , look like a team ! Shirts . These days it can be really tough to find matching shirts with a Walmart on every corner and an Amazon on every computer . But , if you 're up for the challenge , I think you can do it . Better yet , step up your game and head over to our favorite place , Logo Sportswear . Custom apparel , fast turn around , no minimum orders . Inexpensive and good . What more do you need ? Did I get you psyched and now you want custom hats , jackets , and polos ? They got all that and a bag of chips ! Maybe not the chips , sorry , I got a little excited there . Accessorize . Yeah , you read that right … accessorize ! Don 't judge me , bro . Matching water bottles , compression socks , headbands , whatever . There are 20 different colors of duct tape for goodness sake . Pick a team color , any color ( except lime green of course ) and then accessorize . Getcha a sweet ass canopy from E - Z UP . They 're inexpensive , indestructible , and made in about any color you can imagine . And guess what , it rains and the sun is hot . Want a dry place to do your pre - race planning while everyone else gets soaked ? Done ! Want to chill in the shade with your team and a cold one post - race ? They gotcha covered . Don 't want to go all fancy dancy with matching colors ? That 's cool , they make them in basic black . Are you a super duper awesome race team or race company looking for custom printed graphics ? They can handle that for sure ! More poseur than pro ? Sure . But I 'm cool with that . If for a few hours out of the month I can pretend to be half as good as Nathan Fa ' avae , Kyle Peter , or Robyn Benincasa , count me in . Aren 't we all poseurs anyway ? I see you strolling around town in your Dan Marino , Miami Dolphins jersey . One , you picked a crappy team . Two , you 're in the wrong decade , maybe even the wrong century . Three , it 's okay . You want to be a part of something bigger than yourself , part of a team . That 's why you got into this . Adventure racing is a team sport . Get out there and look like a team ! Wekiwa Springs State Park was the location of the 2016 Florida State Championship AKA Turkey Burn 12Hr Adventure Race . Dave Brault and Jim Feudner teamed up to design another amazing race that pushed all the teams for everything they were worth . This was our first time at the Turkey Burn . Unfortunately , we were missing our # GetRad guy , Stephen , who was off doing stuff like getting married , adopting a dog , and working his ass off over in Europe … For the 4AM race start , Dave led the teams to the bottom of a sugar sand covered jeep trail . At go , we put on our best hardcore faces and pedaled for everything we were worth , until we passed the volunteer snapping photos 20 feet ahead . Once safely past , my race face changed to Mr . Huff and Puff and I concentrated on staying upright and not hyperventilating as my back tire churned up sand . In front of us , Good ' Nuff kicked up a cloud of sugar sand as they powered through , their taillights vanishing in the darkness . I have words for moments like that … special words . This section had 4 CPs that we had to get in order , and as much as we wanted to pull away from the other teams , they were having none of it . Behind us was a steady stream of lights with mere seconds between teams . This was no time to screw up and we cleared the section quickly , racing back to the Main TA where we had our first special test , making S ' mores at a campfire . Pretty sweet ! The start of Foot 1 presented us with our first strategic decision . We could either do the foot section while carrying our paddle gear , or clear the foot section and then go back to the Main TA to get our paddle gear before heading off to the canoe section . We decided to carry all of our paddle gear and raced out of the TA . Then we realized that they probably had PFDs at the canoes and it would be smarter to not carry ours . We ran back to the Main TA , dropped our PFDs , and raced out of there only to realize we forgot to grab extra water for the 4 hour canoe section . Crappy , crappy transition . Luckily , I helped us recover by totally screwing up the first checkpoint on the foot section . Why stay in second place when 5th is much more fun . Y ' all ready for a pro tip ? Here it is . The scale on an O - Course map is probably different than the scale on a 1 : 24000 map . You see , CP5 was only about 200 meters from the bend in the road if you use the right scale . Use the wrong scale and it looks more like 350 meters . It 's pretty stinking hard to find a little orange and white flag when your 150 meters past it , at night , in the woods . What 's really cool is if you can watch the headlights of other teams pass you as you struggle in vain to find the CP . I have plenty of these pro tips , ya just gotta ask . Boat ( ~ 12 miles ) The canoe along the Wekiva river was beautiful . The canoe along the backwater channels was hell . Of course , all of the CPs were along the backwater channels . According to many race directors , the word " canoe " is Native American for " hunk of fiberglass you push and pull over many downed trees . " Todd was nailing the nav on this section as we struggled to regain the time we lost on the previous foot section . After 3 . 5 hours of paddling and getting soaked to our waist from jumping in and out of the water , we were freezing and just wanted to get off the canoe . Once we landed , we ran back to the Main TA on numb feet and chattering teeth . It took the entire 15 minute run back for us to warm up . This section had us going in a clockwise direction to collect the CPs in order . Somewhere close to CP24 we ran into Ron , Courtney and Erik from Lost Cause . It was the first time we had seen another team since the paddle section . We ventured to CP24 and CP25 together , and after punching CP25 away they all flew like the down of a thistle . What the hell does that mean ? ! Seriously ! I 've heard that line for 44 years and still have no clue what it means … down of a thistle … whatever . Foot 2 is where the strategy started to come in . We were clearing the course up to this point . But , we knew that we wouldn 't be able to clear the entire course and doubted any other team would either . So , we had to make decisions to maximize our points . Todd and I debated two far away CPs . We estimated it would take us 30 - 40 minutes to grab them both and get back . I wanted to get them . Todd wanted to leave them and save our legs for the last foot section . In the end , I agreed with Todd and it ended up being a wise move . Mentally , it is hard to drop any points when you 're clearing a course , but who can resist Todd 's Cheesy McPleasy smile ? Not much to say on this section . I have little chicken legs and knew we wouldn 't be able to get many bike points , so we didn 't try . With the sugar sand trails that suck the life out of you , we knew we 'd end up killing ourselves for just a few points when there were more to get on foot . Instead , we raced to get the first easy bike CP and then headed right back to the Main TA and transitioned to foot . The final foot was the make or break section . We knew we had to clear it and get back as quickly as we could to have any chance of winning . There wasn 't any room for errors here and we tried to be as solid as we could with the navigation . With Ana pace counting and Todd spotting CPs with his super x - ray vision , we cleared this section efficiently . One final push to the Main TA and we finished after 11 : 31 : 00 of solid racing . There is this feeling you get in your gut when you get to the finish and realize you left 30 minutes and a whole bunch of checkpoints out on the course . It is not a pleasant feeling . It 's more like that feeling you get the day after you eat bad sushi . You have no idea what the other teams got and your mind replays the whole race and every point you left out there . Should we have gotten those two far checkpoints ? Could we have picked up one more on the bike ? 30 minutes is an eternity to wait . In the end it turned out great . We tied Lost Cause on points but won on time . Only thing left to do was eat some delicious spaghetti , check Todd over for ticks , pack up , and drive the 6 hours back home . As always , a big thanks to Dave , Jim , and all of the volunteers that made this event awesome ! There is nothing better than racing hard with great friends out in the beautiful woods of Florida . This is why we do it : On December 8 , 2016December 26 , 2016 By DavidIn GearLeave a comment Let 's talk hydration packs . Yeah , yeah I know it 's not sexy like a new carbon fiber 29er . But , as everyone knows , hydration is the key to racing success . Like many , my first water bladder came with my pack . It had some funky screw on cap , was a mess to fill and an absolute pain to clean . When I bought my MS - 1 pack from OutThere it didn 't come with a hydration bladder , so I had to go looking for one . I knew I wanted something bomb - proof . I 'm all about reliable gear and am willing to pay a little more for something I can absolutely rely on . Nobody wants a leaky bladder . I came across GEIGERRIG , now part of Aquamira , and was instantly intrigued by what I saw . Here was a hydration bladder that was pressurized . Sounds gimmicky you say ? Maybe . But think about it for a second . When I 'm huffing and puffing up some gradient that only sheep and billy goats should be climbing , it 's not easy sucking water out of a hydration bladder . With a few quick pumps of the air bladder , I can now get a stream of water . No more sucking on the hose until my eyes pop out . And , with that stream of water I can do lots of things . My teammates can now get a drink without putting their dirty mouths all over my bite valve . Hey , I race with these guys , I know where their mouths have been . Got mud in your eye ? A squirt of water and boom , done ! Need to rinse off your sunglasses ? Need to rinse a contact lens ? Need to fill a water bottle with water to add your last packet of Skratch but don 't want to take your pack off ? There are a lot of times when a little pressurized water is a great thing to have . What 's also super cool is that the hydration bladder has quick disconnects for the hoses . This means that I can remove the bladder from my pack , refill it , and not have to reroute my hoses . It also means that I can instantly add or remove GEIGERRIG 's in - line crypto or virus filters . So now you won 't have to worry if Team Adventure Medical Kits is upstream from you relieving themselves . You 've got filtration ! " But it 's added weight ! " I can hear the whining in the background . I 'm kidding , adventure racers don 't whine . Sure it is , everything we carry is added weight . You just have to decide if the benefits are worth it to you . But wait , no you don 't . You see , you don 't have to have the air tube and bulb . You want to go super light and fast ? Disconnect the air tube and the GEIGERRIG hydration bladder functions just like any other hydration bladder . You suck , water comes out . But I think once you give it a try , you 'll realize how nice it is to have pressurized water . Why do you think pro cyclists have squeeze bottles ? Pressure , my friend ! You don 't see riders in the peloton sucking water from a straw . That would be silly . Simply disconnect the hoses from the bladder . You can then remove the bladder from your pack while leaving your hoses installed . Then simply fill that bad boy up . Best of all , once you get back home , turn that bladder inside out and throw it in your dishwasher . It 's dishwasher safe my friend . Who wants to come home from a 3 - day race and scrub out a hydration bladder ? That 's right , no one . There you have it . If you need a hydration bladder , check out the GEIGERRIG Hydration Engine Video . And , if you 're looking for a hydration backpack , they have those as well . Got questions ? Drop us a comment below . We 're always happy to discuss our race gear . If you 'd like to check out more reviews by the pros who know , check them out here : There is nothing worse than the walk of shame . You know , that walk you have to make after you realize that you blew right past the first checkpoint in a race and have to slink back towards it . I don 't know what it is about the first checkpoint in an adventure race , but I always struggle with it . It 's like I 've never held a map and compass before . Who put this paper with all the squiggly lines in my hand and what am I supposed to do with this floating needle thingy ! ? Maybe it 's nerves or excitement or just turning off the nav when every team is racing to the same CP . I don 't know , but I hate it and I never feel settled until the first CP is punched . Howl at the Moon started off no differently . The good news is that Ron captured it all on camera … what a swell guy ! At CP1 there was an option to shorten the foot section by swimming across Kitching Creek . After taking a look at the inky black swamp water , I was all for the longer route . I 'm chicken , I know , I 'm okay with it . This decision added about 2 miles to our trek , making it 11 . 5 miles total . Other than this shortcut , I really didn 't see anywhere else to save time on this section , so we went around collecting CPs in order . Somewhere along CP3 , we ran into the Warriors , a couple from South Africa that are working in Florida . They 've done a few Expedition Africa adventure races and it was fun to talk with them . We stayed together until CP6 , where they decided to take a different route to CP7 . Pretty awesome that at a small adventure race in Florida we 'd run across a team from ½ way around the world . Last year we got to ride the Camp Murphey off road bike trails and were looking forward to riding them again this year . They are managed by www . clubscrub . org and are fantastic . This time , though , the CPs were not right on the trail . Four controls were " can 't miss " on - trail , but the remaining six were placed off - trail . Because we had ran the entire first foot section , we were able to do this technical bike section in daylight , which was a huge help . We were doing well , trying to catch up with Good ' Nuff , which is impossible for us on bike sections … or foot sections … or canoe sections , for that matter . Somewhere between CP20 and CP21 , we ran across a dog on the trail . No owners in sight , just wandering around . Of course Ana had to stop , check the collar , and call the owner . After 5 - 7 minutes trying to reunite the dog with its owner , they finally show up . A happy ending and we were back on the trail . From the main TA , we transitioned to canoe and started our paddle west along the Loxahatchee River . Night had descended , the little sliver of moon provided little illumination , and the beautiful Loxahatchee took on a spooky appearance as our headlamps swept across the water 's edge , illuminating cypress trees , mangrove roots and the yellow eyes of gators sheltered within them . Our first 3 CPs on the paddle where CPs 1 , 2 , and 4 from the foot trek section . We decided to land the canoe at CP1 and jog north to CP2 for fear that the shallow creek would make the paddle tougher . I think this saved us some time , but we lost 5 - 10 minutes trying to relocate CP1 , even though we had already been there previously on the foot section . Bummer ! After collecting CP1 & 2 , we crossed Kitching Creek by boat to get CP4 . This was another CP that should have been easy . We had been there before , we were at the right bend of the river , but we just didn 't spot it . Another 10 minutes wasted here , and I could feel my frustration level building . Just prior to reaching CP27 along Cypress Creek , we ran into the Warriors , heading back from the bridge where the CP was located . They had turned back in frustration , not being able to locate the checkpoint . They had also lost their passport along the way . We asked if they 'd like to search for the CP with us , but at this point their frustration level was too high and they were ready to head back . When we got to the bridge , I could tell why . We couldn 't find the CP either . The clue was , " Date on Pile N bank Cypress Creek . " We looked at the north bridge pylon for a date and didn 't see it . We looked at all of the bridge pylons for a date and didn 't see any . We forded the creek and looked at all the pylons on the south side of the creek for a date … nothing . We were frustrated and ready to turn back too until we checked the southbound I - 95 pylon and saw a date scratched into the concrete . We ran back to the pylon on the north bank of cypress creek and maybe a foot from the base was the date . I guess our headlamps had made it difficult to see . Had we known what we were looking for , this would have taken us seconds . Instead it took us 15 minutes . At CP28 we ran into the same problem . This time it wasn 't the date , we knew where to find that . Instead , the clue was , " DOT # Casting # Above N . Pile Cap . " Once again , I had no clue what I was looking for , but we were told there would be an FLX sign with an arrow pointing to it so we would know we got the right number . 17 minutes wasted here and all I can say is … The final section would be a bike to all of the controls we hit during the foot section . However , this time , instead of punching the controls , we were to take pictures of ourselves at a few of them . Once again CP1 would cause us problems . We had already been here twice during this race , so I have no idea why we couldn 't find it easily . I swear Ron was moving it a few yards further south each time we went out to look for it . After CP1 , we rode up to CP2 , and here I made my genius move of the race . You see , when we were here on foot , we decided to cross the creek and bushwhack to the next checkpoint . In my head I was thinking , " Just do what you did on the foot section . " So , I did . We crossed the creek with our bikes and bike - whacked through to the trail . Now , Ana has had to tolerate a lot of stupid things from me over the past 20 years of marriage . But nothing … NOTHING … has been as stupid as making her haul her bike through this jungle of sawtooth palmettos , briars , and vines . The double bonus was that ½ way through the mess , I realized that there was a much quicker , much easier way to get where we wanted to go and all of it along perfectly groomed bike trail . But , being ½ way through , it made no sense to turn around now , so we pushed through . The woods of Jonathan Dickinson State Park still echo with my screams and curses ! Another 25 minutes wasted . The good news though is that somewhere along the trail we met up with Running in Circles . This group of four firefighters were definitely running circles around us . They had a late night and had to start the race an hour behind everyone else , and here they were at the front of the pack . With an hour credit , there was no reason to race them to the finish line and there was no way we were going to catch Good ' Nuff , so we just cruised it in , picking up the final CPs and enjoying the conversations along the way . Sometimes you have to throttle it back and just enjoy the fun of it all . Once again , FLX Adventures put on a fun race . Jonathan Dickinson is a great park and the single track is amazing . Most of all , I 'm very grateful that Ana didn 't kill me in the middle of the night during that horrendous bike whack .

All the wonderful creations that the staff came up with ! The winners will be announced during the morning meeting ! It 's nice to be rewarded for your hard work ! All the comments I received via twitter I will pass along to those who made each model ! I 'm always reading your blog , really enjoying the figure reviews and cherry blossom photos ! My figma Sayaka Miki recently arrived so I took some photos of her with one of my other models . She comes with so many weapons and is a blast to play around with ! I can 't wait for my Nendoroid to arrive as well ! The room in the photo is a diorama made from wood that I made last year during summer vacation , inspired by the K - ON figmas . It was my first time working with wood , so the walls didn 't really match up neatly and it was very much a trial - and - error project . The wiring for the lights was particularly difficult to get right . It also looks like it is the perfect size for the figma characters ! Everything must be so small ! ! I can really feel the love and effort you put into it , thank you for sending the photos through for me to enjoy as well ! I don 't have an actual camera of my own , but I definitely want to get one soon ! I don 't really have the money , but if it 's for my Nendoroids then maybe I can splurge ! I want to be able to take lovely photos like you do ! ! (*^_^ * ) The relaxed lighting also makes for a lovely effect . When you get your camera be sure to make lots of memories with all sorts of photos like this one ! ! ( * ・ ω ・ * ) You don 't have to imagine the lovely blossoms like you do for your friends ! Don 't worry Yozora ! ! That smile on her face is lovely ! ! The warm days of Spring have finally arrived ! Everyone thinks of the cherry blossoms during Spring , but don 't forget about the plum - tree blossoms ! ! They are just as beautiful ! A picture of the scenery alone is great , but add in your favorite figure and it really becomes a picture to remember ! ! I also personally think that it becomes easier to remember ! I hope to visit Germany again myself one day ! She is so cute ! ! ! I also love the outfit from the piano girl song , so it is great to see it in Nendoroid size ! The scenery and little piano also help recreate the atmosphere perfectly ! I can understand why you want a diorama by looking at this picture ! ! I 'm yet another blog reader who has always dreamed about becoming a sculptor and working at Good Smile Company . Even if I can 't become a professional , I at least want to play around with sculpting as a hobby . If I keep at it , maybe one day my dream will come true ! I 'll keep trying as best I can ! As proof of my determination , I 've attached a photo of some sculpting that I started doing yesterday . I 'm trying to make a Nendoroid Saber Lion Petite Ver . ! I had quite a bit of trouble with the the neck and hair , and the paint kept peeling off … but I kept at it as best I could ! I 'll do my best to beat all the other blog readers that send in similar photos ! 😛 That is very , very cute ! You 've even for the rounded stomach of Saber Lion coming out nicely ! ! It 's always harder to keep doing something than it is just to start something , but I 'm certain you will be able to keep at it and reach your dream ! Everybody has to start somewhere ! ! I 'm sure the Shangai staff will also be very happy to see this ! As a scale figure she is sure to take up a large amount of space , but even as a Nendoroid that seems true . The colors you have chosen are also spectacular ! I kind of hope to see this turned into a product ! 😛 Did you manage to see the recent solar eclipse ? I manged to get a photo of Octo - Luka together tith the solar eclipse ! I thought it looked wonderful , so I decided to send it through ! What an absolutely stunning photo ! I love it when anyone loves our figures , but when the creator himself praises a figure then I really feel proud ! Thank you ! The picture really brings across a feeling of fun and enjoyment ! I also love collecting small props like these for Nendoroids ! I think it 's one of the funnest things you can do with them ! They really help build up an atmosphere for the Nendoroids to live in ! The pancakes from Iwata Coffee have always looked so incredible , I 've always wanted to try them ! How could Kud not be exited with some of those huge pancakes right beside her ! ! Delicious food combined with adorable figures makes for a wonderful photo ! ! Ever since then I have been buying countless GSC figures , with mt best series definitely being the Nendoroid series . I hope you will continue to bring more and more wonderful figures to us ! I 've included a photo of my complete Nendoroid collection , they take up two display cases by themselves ! - YASU Nice to meet you Mikatan ! I love reading your blog ! There were a load of Forsythia flowering all about , so I decided to take a picture of them together with Ren ! He looks a little embarrassed . ^^ - Anonymous I 'm so glad that Nendoroid Yukimura Sanada was released ! I also tried the new stand for Masamune Date and it is great ! It 's so much easier to pose him for photos now ! Thanks ! ! Did you remodel the body off a different body ? It looks completely different to any body I 've seen before ! ! I 'm really interested in knowing what you used to make them ! ( ' ･ ω ･ ' ) The other day I went down to Sendai together with a cheerful Masamune Date . One year ago it was covered in a wave of depression , but now the station is almost completely back to normal . The further you head from the central part of the city , the more you can still find the remains of the earthquake . My home was in Sendai , but luckily my family were all safe after the disaster . My brother - in - law 's car was washed away by the tsunami , but at least it was just his car . Our home was partially destroyed , but fortunately it was still alright to live in . I was away from my family at the time having just transferred , and was unable to contact anyone for some time - and hearing some of the stories simply made me more and more worried . I thought it was a wonderful idea and thought I 'd participate , when I came across a bit of information that really pulled at my heart , it read : " Those in the disaster area who may need to change addresses are welcome to contact us at a later stage to organize delivery . " . I couldn 't believe how wonderful the project was already , but even so you were willing to go out of your way to address those that were in the affected areas . It was at that point , holding on to those feelings that I really come to love Good Smile Company . A big thank you to everyone who ever came to visit the original Good Smile Cafe ! As of yesterday , the cafe has officially closed for business . There were loads of customers up until the very last day , so let me make use of this blog to send out a big thank you from all the staff at the cafe to anyone who ever visited the cafe ! The forth episode will be broadcast from the closed GSC Cafe in Matsudo ! We 'll be taking a look at lots of interesting things including introducing new products and the figma posing championships ! Timeshift will also be available ! We keep constant communication with Japan through email , phone and Skype . We have Skype meetings with video to ensure we can having face - to - face conversations - even if we are countries apart . Plus having the video is vital to check the progress of sculpting work . The sculpting is done in front of the web camera , with directions coming directly from Japan when needed . The meetings are done every day to keep progress of the sculpting and work slowly through the sculpting progress . They are both working very hard with their sculpting , so I think you can look forward to the work they 'll be bringing out soon ! A question regarding the UtaPri Nendo Petites - how exactly will they be sold ? Will they be sold like the Madoka Nendos , or more like the Angel Beats Nendos in sets of three ? I need to figure out my funding and need to know how much to put aside for them ! ! Congratulations on making Nendo Petites from the Tales series ! I 've been waiting for them for ages , so I couldn 't be happier ! I hope to see full size Nendoroids and scale figures coming up as well ! 😛 My favorite character must be Reid from Tales of Eternia , will he be included in the set ? Although in the end I 'm fine with pretty much any characters , I 'm really looking forward to seeing the line - up ! I hope an announcement will be coming up soon ! I 've always been very careful with my figures , but a little while ago I damaged one of my figures through my own carelessness . I 'm afriad tha if I try to repair it myself , I 'm just going to end up damaging it more . It was quite a special figure to me , so it 's really been eating at me … It was a figure sold over a year ago from Good Smile Company , is it still possible to get a hold of replacement parts in some way ? Unfortuntely we can no longer supply replacement parts for figures that are over a year old … In Part 2 of the posts above , I show a way of reinforcing joints by making them thicker . Give it a go and perhaps you can repair the figure to be as good as new all by yourself ! This is the lunch I made the other day . All my friends we 're saying things like ' how simple ' , or ' what the heck is that ' , and my parents were going on about ' It makes it look like we don 't provide for you at all ! ' . Lunch was complete for me with just some rice and a tomato ! What do you have for lunch , Mikatan ? I 'm afraid that in order to get a few minutes of extra sleep in , I never make myself a lunch before heading to work . Most of the time I eat lunch out ! Will you make me lunch sometime ? ( just kidding : P ) I saw that my favorite Vocaloid Character , Luka is getting the scale figure treatment . I 've been looking forward to her ever since I saw the report on HJ , and I 'm so glad with the way she has come out . I can 't wait for her to be released . As expected from Max Factory , it really is a stunning figure - I really enjoyed photographing her ! The gradient and sculpting of her hair is an absolute work of art ! You 'll be able to grab her soon ! I recently saw Sakura Miku on your blog as well as at the GSC Cafe . She was so adorable and the colors were stunning , I couldn 't help but fall in love with her . I really wanted to take the prototype version from the cafe home with me . I bought some K - ON ! Nendoroid Petites , but it seems I picked up some bootleg versions … the eyes and area around the neck of the school uniform versions made it obvious that it was not the work of GSC . All the parts that are normally separated were all placed in a single bad , and the plastic in - between parts like the hair and skirt was nowhere to be found . The other day I picked up figma Mami - san , but both of her legs were left legs ! ;_ ; I emailed support and got a right leg part sent to me , which arrived today ! My Mami is now all better ~ At the same time , apologies for causing the problem in the first place ! A lot of the work done in the mass production of figures is done by hand , so there can be certain times when parts are incorrectly placed - even though we take the utmost care to try and prevent it . I 'll send you kind words through to the support team - thank you ! I just voted in the GSC 10th Anniversary Rerelease and Product Request polls . I was so glad to see a project like this in place ! I 've managed to get hold of most of the figures I 've wanted , but there are a few older products that have been very hard to get . I hope to see more similar projects in the future ! It was quite a difficult project to take on , but it gave everyone a feel for how figures are sculpted ! I was just as impressed with the sculptors as everyone else at the event was ! ! You can read up on the entire project with the following posts : The forth episode will be broadcast from the closed GSC Cafe in Matsudo ! We 'll be taking a look at lots of interesting things including introducing new products and the figma posing championships ! Timeshift will also be available ! The image above is from an event called Comic Fantasiata which was held on the 13th May . The photo was taken just after the end of a cosplay contest . Most of the cosplayers were characters from Japanese anime ! I hope you 're still collecting cherry blossom photos ! I took a photo of my own so I thought i 'd send it through . ( It 's a Gift product though , not Good Smile ! ) I hope you enjoy it ! In the last photo corner there were so many photos of Millhi and Yune that I thought looked wonderful , so I decided to go out myself and take some photos . What an adorable Princess she is ! Both her and Harlan are a blast to play with ! Hello from Berlin ! I 'm going to try my hand at writing this mail in Japanese ! I hope that it isn 't too late to send in some cherry blossom photos ! Today I went out with my friend and boyfriend to enjoy the cherry blossoms - it was my very first time doing so ! Of course I took a Nendoroid along with me ! The photos are taken at Berlin Teltow in an area that I have named the ' TV Asahi Cherry Blossom Peace Road ' ! I was quite surprised when I brought the Nendoroid out , as some others around also took from photos of her ! I knew I had to be quick otherwise the blossoms would all have fallen from the trees , so I dashed out in a slight drizzle to grab a few photos … I wanted to take some more , but the rain started to pour down a lot harder after awhile , so I took some blossoms home with me and used them for a few more photos . I 'll be sure to send any interesting photos I take in the future though to you as well ! The first day I came by for photos the blossoms had only half bloomed , so I came back a few days later but then the wind was too strong for a reliable photo … they all came out blurry ! So I came back once again a few days later and finally got a photo ! I went through quite a lot to get it in the end … This year the fully blooming blossoms were all knocked off their branches my the heavy rain that came around at the same time … I decided that photos would be impossible for this year and gave up . But a few days later I found a cherry blossom tree that still had some beautiful blossoms , so I managed to grab some photos after all ! Cherry blossoms are linked with fun times and drinking , and when it comes to drinking who is better than Suika ! ^^ Here she is climbing up a tree looking rather drunk … perhaps not the safest place for her to be ! Later on I looked up and found the blossoms here are in fact called bridegrooms , but Wikipedia said they were a type of cherry blossom , so I hope they will do ! Sorry it 's late ! Here is my cherry blossom photo for this year ! I didn 't get to take this picture last year , but I had to do it this year ! A photo of my Haru - chan and the cherry blossoms in my local park ! From the 15th to the 19th April , I went on a trip to Shirakawagou , Yuwaku hot - springs , Kenroku Gardens and the Noto Peninsula , I took some shoddy photos along the way , so I thought I 'd send them through for you to enjoy . The cherry blossoms around Shirakawagou and Yuwaku were not really blooming yet , but at the Kenroku Gardens and Noto Peninsula they were pretty much in full bloom and incredibly beautiful ! I didn 't have the courage to bring my Nendoroids out in public as a tourist to the area , so I had to do it quietly when nobody else was around . In the Letter Corner on the 19th April you mentioned that ' The bigger the images , the better ! ' , but what size and filesize is that exactly ? Also , I zipped up multiple images together this time around , but I 'm sure it 's best to not send too many through at once … I tried to shrink them down a bit myself , but what would be ideal when sending images through to you ? I apologize if I sent something incorrectly through to you ! That said , you 're sending your stunning pictures through to the blog , so I 'm never going to be picky ! There are no rules at all ! ( Besides photos that make the figures or series look bad in some way , or go against public order in some way . ) If you send picture through to me , I 'll always take a look at them with great excitement , so please send them through - whether they are from PC or cellphone , I 'll always be happy to see them ! I took a cherry blossom photo with a Nendoroid to send through to this year 's collection ! I 've always loved the illustrations of Shiki wearing her kimono with a blade as she walks through the cherry blossoms … so I wanted to recreate that illustration in Nendoroid form ! While I was taking the photo , an old lady came by and asked me what I was taking pictures of … it was rather difficult to explain the world of Nendoroids to her . The cherry blossoms were blooming in Shukugawa , the area used as a stage for the Haruhi series . I headed out one morning with Nagato to take a picture of her reading her book in the park . I think it brings out the atmosphere very nicely . I was wandering about Sumida Park looking at the SkyTree and cherry blossoms with by beloved KAITO ! He had such a lovely smile that I just had to take a picture , and I think it came out quite nicely ! My KAITO is just too cute … My Cheerful KAITO arrived the other day so I took him out with me to enjoy the cherry blossoms ! His new outfit suits the cherry blossoms so well ! I feel like I should bring out a female Nendoroid wearing KAITO 's outfit for some pictures as well . I went down to the a local riverside with Madochii and Homuhomu for some photos . I had quite some trouble finding a good place to take pictures with Nendoroids though … I was glad to get a picture with these two together in the end ! They also look very happy to be surrounded by the cherry blossoms ! I went out for some photos with Nadeko Sengoku - chan ! There is a lovely bridge surrounded by cherry trees about two stations away from me , so I headed there and removed Nadeko from my pocket for some photos ! After the mission was accomplished , I quickly headed off on my way . I brought Madoka and Homuhomu 's School Uniform Ver . Nendos with me on an outing to Gongendou to take a picture of them as of they were walking to school . The weather was great , the blossoms were in full bloom and I got some wonderful photos ! Hello , Mikatan ! I love reading your blog ! ♪ I wan never much of a figure lover , but I recently decided to pick up some figma figuers and took some photos ( on my cellphone … ) It was my first ever attempt , so it 's a bit amateurish , but it was great fun for me ! I have no experience taking photos , so I hope they 're not too bad ! There was even a layout map for the arcade included in the files that were sent to me ! Everything is made so carefully , and the characters all seem to be having such a good time ! It makes me wish I could jump into the arcade and join them all ! I 'm sure it must have been a lot of work to leave so much space available for photos as well … and it probably took ages to get all the figmas into their poses as well . Not to mention the poses are very well done ! ! ( Their positioning as well ! ) I was looking at the upcoming 3DS Project Mirai game , and Miku and the others looked so cute that I had to try and pose my own Nendoroids in the same way ! My favorite song in the tracklist for the game is ' Sing & Smile ' , so I decided to pose my Nendoroids just as they looked in the game . I hope you enjoy it ! When I first saw the comparison I got goosebumps ! It 's a perfect recreation with real Nendoroids ! I feel like I 'm going to break down in tears ! 😛 Today I went down to my local shop and saw Nendoroid Petite Madoka on sale . I bought a couple and luckily managed to get both Madoka and Homuhomu , so I took some photos ! I much prefer buying singles and getting the rush of getting your favorite characters instead of just buying a complete box … HomuHomu 's expression is perfect for the way she is staring at Madoka like that ! Wondering what character you 're going to get is one of the best things about Nendoroid Petites in my opinion ! I also get super exited while I 'm opening the box and wondering who is going to be inside ! ! The way the sunlight is beaming onto the photo is very nice ! I think it 's a lovely picture ! Plus … I love the way she is looking up at you like that , it makes we want to hold her myself ! I can happily say that today , although a bit late , my Rin & Len Cheerful Ver . has arrived ! I decided to play with them and really enjoyed seeing how much work went into the smaller details that you normally can 't see , like the ears ! The two of them are now happily displayed on my desk together ! I 'll take good care of them 。 It 's a more solid version of Saber Alter with a feint image of the normal Saber standing behind her . A nice picture that compares the light to the dark ! I also love the way that Alter is holding a sword , while the normal Saber is instead reaching out to us ! I 'm jealous that you can take such nice photos , let alone still edit them to make lovely effects like this ! At least … I think it is a Sylvanian Families playset … I 'm sorry if I 'm wrong . 😛 I wish I had a Miku housekeeper to keep my house clean as well ! She can also make some delicious food for me … and when she sees the house is messy she can get all angry and shout at me ! ( escape from reality : P ) Christmas has come along , so I thought I 'd send in a seasonal photo ! HomuHomu and Madoka are together this Christmas , so there is nothing to worry about ! I also have to say that I love the way this year 's Snow Miku looks ! I don 't any Miku figures at the moment , so I 'll be sure to grab that one ! The attached image is to wish you a Merry Christmas ! I hope you 'll take a look . The sword at his hips is pointing to one of the most important parts of Christmas ! (´∀｀） I really love playing around with Nendoroids at the moment ! It 's so much fun ! >< I 'm always looking forward to seeing what Nendoroids are coming up next , so good luck with all your work ! I read your blog pretty much every day ! Thanks so much for writing so often ! I 'm also a girl that loves figures of cute girls , and I 'm glad to know there is someone else who shares my happiness ! I live in Sapporo , the Miku loving city , but unfortunately I wasn 't able to go any buy a Snow Miku at the event this year ! … ( ノД ' ) You can see all the fine little lines like around her eyes ! Such small details ! ! On a figure , the expressions are definitely the hardest part to work with … I 'm really impressed to see it done so well with chocolate ! ! If you ever make one again , please send it my way again ! I got a load of mail from female fans this time around . I 'm sure there are a lot of people that wonder if they really ARE all girls , but I 'm always very pleasantly surprised by the number of girls that come to chat with me at events ! Plus most of them are really pretty ! ( Seriously ! ) You 'd normally expect photos in the snow to be filled with nothing buy a white or blue color , but the orange coming from the lamp contrasts so nicely ! It 's beautiful ! I wish I could escort Snow Miku through the snow myself … As soon as I heard that a Gumako Nendoroid was going to be released , I decided this had to be done ! The image I had of her only showed the left side , so I had to imagine the other sides for myself … The head is from Gumako , the body , hips and arms are from BGS and the legs are from Miku . If you have any questions , photos , product requests , want to talk about what you ate today , or anything else ! No matter what you want to talk about , send it through to me ! Girls and boys both welcome ! The other day I was thinking of some kind of present to myself , but I really haven 't been able to think of anything . There isn 't really anything I really want … besides sleep and gaming time . 😛 Plus I have figures around me all the time , so getting a figure isn 't really an amazing present at the moment . What would you get yourself as a present ? The picture was taken in mid - production , but as you can see the hair has been added in ! Plus it can also be attached to the ancestor 's hair part ! Thanks for the heads up Nero fans , and sorry for the scare ! I work in Akiba , but hadn 't been the the GSC Cafe there yet , so today ( 2 / 13 ) I went with my friend and had a Mega - sized QB Curry ! We also got to take a look at all the things that were on display at WF ! I even got to see my idol , Oda - P ! And that Ultimate Madoka figure was just incredible … I was very happy to see all the display figures transferred to the cafe the day after the huge event ! I was so happy to be able to see them . Thank you After the late live broadcast , there were still some staff members that went to work normally the next morning to get the prototypes on display … I really can 't compete with them … But there were lots of people who mentioned that they didn 't get a chance to see the figures on display due to the crowds , so we had to get them on display again for everyone to enjoy ! I wanted to try them out again as soon as possible , so I got a few materials together and made a simple ring with them . I 've worked with a lot of much more complex twists and turns and I can say for sure that the thin edge of these pliers and absolutely brilliant for small parts . The normal rough bits on the end on most pliers also are not on these , so there is no risk of leaving marks on metal . I 'm so glad I decided on them ! I would also normally make use of a pin set to pull the beads out of their case to work with them , but this time I was able to do it with just the pliers ! I personally find them so easy to use , plus they are made in Niigata prefecture which is well known for it 's metalworking ! I 'm surprised to see the price was so great for such an amazing tool ! Thank you for sending through the little trinket you made using your GSR Pliers ! ! It looks very well made ! ! Seki - sama from the General Management section is also a huge fan of the GSR Pliers ! ( He built an entire Aegis ship ! ) Not to mention there is also GUMI - chan , Alice from Touhou , Nano - chan and Hakase from Nichijou , a second set of Vocaloid Nendo Petites , a set of Nendo Petites for Uta no Prince - sama and of course Ultimate Madoka ! ! ! I 'm going to explode from happiness ! ! Gackpoid and GUMI ! ! I knew I could trust you , Good Smile ! I wanted to ask , when will the scale figure of Inori Yuzuriha be released ? I hope you can tell me ! I 'll be looking forward to your next article ! I 'm a huge fan of Kyouko , so I 'd really like to see her join the rest of the girls ! And yet another request … but I hope we 'll see some of the Persona 4 characters made into Nendoroids to display on my desk ! 😛 I 've always wanted to send some mail through to you after reading other 's mail , but never quite had the courage to do so … but this time around I finally managed to do it ! Hello ! I 'm a frequent reader of Mikatan Blog ! I heard that you were a fan of Uta no Prince - sama and remembered discussing with my friend how there should really be Nendoroids from the series ! I thought I 'd take the initiative and email through our request for UtaPrince Nendoroids ! The first P4 Nendoroid is Yukiko ! Plus there are also figmas on the way , so I hope you 'll enjoy them as well ! Those who want to see the figures on display at WonFes can see them over here : I just saw the announcement of figma Samus Aran ! It looks like she just jumped right out of the game ! I was thinking I had to grab her when suddenly I noticed … she 's from Nintendo ! And alongside the scale figure I also request a Nendoroid and figma ! I hope you 'll consider it ! And also … when is the red Archer going to release … ? Well , it 's not specifically a Wind Waker version , but figma Link is in the production process ! I still can 't believe that we are making figures from Nintendo 's games ! He 'll be coming up for preorder shortly , so look out for it ! Straight onto my main question … what kind of stand does KAITO 's Cheerful version use ? I personally think the first Nendoroid KAITO 's stand was a little unstable - I hope the Cheerful version uses a different stand . This is one of the early samples sent though of the Cheerful ver . ! Both his new outfit and the original outfit both make use of the arm stand . I can 't wait to play around with him some more ! I think the most important thing at this point is to be ready to put in lots of effort and resolve into reaching your goal . I might be a bit of a shut - in , but at the moment just practice fine work with your hands ! There are also a couple of comments from sculptors in the past about this … I 've collected them all here : I know I want to work in the figure world , and I really want to get a job at a figure company , but I need to know what options are available to me ! I look forward to an answer ! - Natsume I 'm a girl currently in high - school , and I 've been interested in working for a figure company for some time . After reading Mikatan blog , that interest has changed into my dream . I want to work for Good Smile Company in the future ! But I think that if I mentioned this to my parents they wouldn 't react very well … so I thought I 'd ask your opinion . My own personal answer to all those wanting to work here … always believe that there is something you are the very best at ! Something like " If you 're looking for a logical solution , come to me " , " I can come up with more ideas than anyone " , " I can finish a coating faster than anyone else " , " I am the most loving person there is " , etc ! It doesn 't matter what it is , the important thing is that you believe yourself to be the best ! Don 't ever get down about it ! Louise ! Louise ! Louissssssse ! ! ! Aaaah ! Aaaah ! ! ! Louise Louise Louise ! ! ! ! Ahhh … . . sniff … sniff … What a lovely smell ! I want to smell Louise Françoise 's beautiful pink hair ! Aaah ! No wait ! I don 't want to smell it , I want to feel it ! ! Such smooth hair ! Louise was so cute in the 12th volume of the novel ! Aaaah ! ! ! Aaaaaah ! Plus the 4th season of the anime has jsut started ! Aaah ! Louise is so cute ! Cute ! SO CUTE ! And even the 2nd volume of the manga has been released ! ARRRGGG ! ! NYAAAN ! GYAAAAN ! Aaaaah ! ! ! ! But manga isn 't real ? ! … oh wait … neither is anime … or novels … . Does that mean Louise isn 't real ? ! Nooooooo ! ! ! That 's impossible ! It 's just impossible ! ! Just be quiet ! I don 't need reality ! Hang on a sec … that illustration of Louise … she 's looking at me ! I swear she 's looking at me ! And the Louise in the anime … . she just spoke to me ! Hahahaha ! There is still some hope for this world ! Hahaha ! Siesta ! Henrietta ! Tabatha ! ! ! Ooooohhh ! Bring me my Louise ! ! ! If you have any questions , photos , product requests , want to talk about what you ate today , your thoughts about the end of the year … no matter what you want to talk about , send it through to me ! Girls and boys both welcome !

We 're all nestled into our cozy little home , happy chilling out ( or warming up ? ) by the fireplace , playing cards , watching cartoons and movies , playing the PS2 , baking , eating , sipping hot chocolate , jumping from couch to cushions and back . All Good Things ! That 's really the gist of our lives lately . I 'm still volunteering at the co - op , although they want to pay me for some part time stuff from now until after the holidays , so I say " HellYa ! " John 's around , so it 's a prime opportunity for me to get out and exercise my brain muscles . We did some re - arranging of the game room , so now it 's all set up with the flat screen , PS2 hooked up and ready , the futon , stuffed full of pillows for cozy tv watching / playing / reading or other snuggly things . I whipped up a homemade pizza last night . Golly , why don 't I do that more often ? It 's so easy , even the crust part . No raising time required , because I opted for the thin crust . I was just bummed I didn 't have any veggies to put on it . Oh , well . I 'll do it again soon . Saylor 's re - trying WoW . It 's a 10 day free trial , we 'll see how he feels after the 10 days . The first character he created was from the ' dark side ' . I think the Horde ? I 'm not so WoW literate . Sorry . Then he did create a character from the Alliance , so I can rest - assured he 's not ALL EVIL ! ( giggle , giggle ) Well , I 'm going to run out and pick up the ceramic tile scraps I nabbed from free - cycle . Hoping to do some fun mosaic stuff with the boys on these dreamy indoor days . I also want to make some neck warmers for them , using my round looms . And Saylor wants a big shoulder flax - seed heat pad thing , so we need to try to figure out a pattern and sew something up for that . We 'll toss in a bulk load of lavender seeds , as well , for the soothiness of it all . Stone and Sage are busy playing whatever they can think of that requires bat - man capes , and varying animals . Stone 's always the Dad , and Sage is his baby - - - fill in the blank - - - animal . And Stone 's building with anything he can get his hands on . Yesterday , as John , Saylor anPosted by John came home for about 2 hours on Saturday , on his way through from Kansas to Washington . I whipped him up a nice lunch , and then asked Saylor if he 'd be interested in going with Dad this time around . It 's only supposed to be a 4 day journey , way up north to Blaine , WA , right on the Canadian border . Saylor says " YES ! " and we get him all packed up with essentials , and then they 're off . And now I 'm asking myself , " ummmm , why the hell did I go and do that ? " I miss my boy ! ! ! : ( And then I remember , " Oh , yeah , because I * knew * he 'd love to spend some time with Dad , and it is only fair that I share ( a little at least ) with John , who 's always out there all by his lonesome . " Ok . Fine . But I MIIIIIIISSSSS my Boy . And Stone misses him , big time . He actually had tears in his eyes when Saylor was preparing to go , saying " I don 't want you to go , Saylor " . But then Saylor told him how much he really wanted to go , and Stone reluctantly gave him his nod of approval . And now Stone 's dreaming about him . And Sage will ask here and there throughout the day where Saylor is . We 're all a bit lost . Seem like I 'm missing a part of my own anatomy . It 's just weird . Eerily weird . Can 't wait til my travelin ' men come back to me . . . The boys are just busy and nowhere near sleep . Huge fort , crafted from couch cushions and pillows , adorns our living room at this very second . They 're taking turns hand - cuffing each other . They 're laughing together . There 's a big ol ' windstorm blowing through right now . Blew one of our wicker chairs clean off the porch . I 'm sure our backyard is littered with the diapers I hung out at dusk . Does life get any better ? Last week , was just all around , entirely Good . For three days , the boys and I didn 't leave the house . ( except for 1 quick trip each day , Monday - Wednesday ) . They were all so content to just be home , so I didn 't offer up any outings . And they didn 't ask for any . And they played so , so well together . Like friends . It was a beautiful thing ! Then Thursday , Sage turned 3 . Then Friday we went to the homeschool park day and the kids had a great time running around the BMX track that 's near the park . As it was nearing time to go , Mary 's boys and my boys ( we each have 3 ) , had conspired a plan for us to join them at their house . So , that 's what we did . Mary whipped up a couple homemade , delish pizzas , while we sipped some wine together and the kids continued on their playing voyage . A splendid evening , except for the fact that a severe case of the YUK ' S was about to strike poor old Mama . I told the boys I was feeling very weird , and that we needed to go . They were incredibly sweet ( and quick ) in getting out of the house and to the car . I guess they could see the near panic on my face ? We made it half way home and sho thing , I had to pull to the side of a ( dark , untraveled ( THANK GOD ) road ) , and puke . One more episode a bit later at home , then I was all better . But , EWWWWWWW ! I really dislike puking . And that 's putting it mildly , ok ? The boys were concerned about me , and gentle with me , and took really good care of me . I survived . Then Saturday , we had to go back to the BMX track with our bikes , and Mary and her family . Saylor started feeling weird and Stone wasn 't ready to leave , so Mary offered to bring Stone home later . Saylor did end up with a slight fever later that afternoon , so Sage and I spent the beautiful 70 + degree day inside , nursing him back to health . He was 100 % the next day . Gotta love those homeopathics and essential oils ! And the Mama love sure doesn 't hurt , either . Stone finally rolled in around 4 : 30 . I was happy for him that he got that special time for just * him * . He had a good time , too , but was tired forPosted by ( think Molly Shannon . . . ) Anyway , here 's the pictures of John and his good friend Henry ! Groovy cool ! The guy did a 3 - hour spoken word show . Three solid hours of talking , about really good stuff , too ! John only remembers him taking a drink of water once . He was also struck by how kind this guy was . This man who is very opinionated and passionate about the current state of affairs and the people who brought us to this awful place ; this man who will not hesitate to throw around mighty strong language of every sort to get his point across . . . is also incredibly concerned about * us * , the average citizen , working our asses off to get by , forgotten by those who lead . He urged his audience that night to get angry , really angry . To demand change . To accept nothing less . And , believe it or not , Henry Rollins is a very shy person . Imagine ! He shared that he does great in a room packed full of hundreds of people , but put him face to face and he freaks . Especially if it 's a * celebrity * . Unlike the title of this post , Henry doesn 't consider himself a superstar of any sort . I like this guy . John does , too ! If you haven 't seen his show on the IFC ( Independent Film Channel ) you really should ! Good , good stuff . Da Bus . . . The venue . . . downtown Minneapolis . John went down a bit early , to have a beer before the show , and bumped into Henry on the street . He called me right after * the * picture was taken , giddy with joy ! Posted by That 's what we 're having right here , right now . It 's not too shabby for a November day in South Dakota , eh ? We 've got windows open in every room . Sweet breezes flowing through , smelling of crisp , fresh air . The down comforter is soaking up some sun , and the sheets are too . We could be outside , but everyone is quite content running around ( naked mostly , except for Saylor and I ) inside , building their respective forts and hiding out in cozy spaces carved out for one . ( update : Sage just descended from said upstairs hiding spot , stingray in hand , requesting a bath , wish granted , of course ! ) We ordered up a couple of bullwhips this morning from e - bay ( saylor 's new fascination , after watching Cat Woman several times , upon Sage 's request ) . Stone had to have one , too . Saylor 's already making plans and dreaming up what he 'll do with his ; to include : poking a long stick into the ground and seeing if he can remove it using only his whip . John 's off and earning money again for us . Thanks , Honey ! : ) We miss him , as always . This is just where we 're at for today . That 's what we work from . Today . Grandma spent the last couple of nights with us . It 's always nice having her around . The boys love their time with her . We 're trying to bully her into trying out Guitar Hero with us , but no luck yet . We 'll get her ! Barb did play last night while she and Emma were here for a visit . She 's hooked . ; ) I made cranberry scones yesterday , with the recipe shared by Ms . Kelli . They 're scrumptious and special and make one feel oh , so lucky ! ( and they 're insanely easy to make , added bonus ) The boys and I are planning a trek into the woods this afternoon . ( tomorrow it 's supposed to be 40 , so we 'll save our marathon banana cookie , bread , muffin baking for then ) . Have a sunny one ! We 'll attend the Mother 's Collective partay later today . It 's a potluck , eating for the first hour and a half , then onto games for the last 2 hours . Finishing it all off with the lights out , pumpkins aglow on table tops , strobe lights , black lights and dancing . I 'm making little critters that resemble spiders . Picture a little smokie , wrapped in a bit of breadstick , baked , with legs made from shoestring potatoes . You get the idea . Sage is going as batman , Stone as the chain - saw massacre guy , and Saylor as , um , well , not sure , he and John are keeping that on the hush hush at this point . And , we won 't have any pictures to document , because our digital camera is in MN . Darn ! We carved pumpkins last night , then watched Reign Over Me . Very good , have a new appreciation for that song , now ( Love , Reign O ' er Me by The Who ; though we think it 's Eddie Vedder singing in the movie . ) Checked out the lyrics , and they are powerful . So , that 's it for us for now . Of course , we 're trick or treating after the party , so that will be the highlight for one and all , I 'm sure . Happy Halloween to you ! I could be reading one of my 75 unread e - mails , but thought I 'd buzz in here for a moment with a happy update . Life is just so good . Don 't you love it , when all is Right with the world ? It is , it is . We 've got a freezer full of good food , the fridge is over - flowing with goodness , too . Abundance is sure to happen when you 're squishing cases full of organic veggies in . We 're so blessed . We 've had lots of joy in the past days . John took Saylor and Stone pheasant hunting at Grandpa Dale 's place yesterday , and they returned home to me and Sage today . It 's so strange , when they 're gone . The quiet is eerie . When normal is a constant level of noise and energy , not having it is just strange beyond words . Stone said to me tonight " Mom , when we were having the bonfire last night , I missed you a little " . ( they had a fire , just after they cooked up the one pheasant they 'd gotten , thanking it for it 's sustenance , btw ) I shared with Stone that I missed them all , a whole lot , all through the day , the night . They 're my life . Our little Emma turned 3 yesterday , and tonight was her BD party . It was great to be with her , to see her playing with her cousins . They love her so much . And I must say I 'm quite taken by her as well . We spent a couple hours at the park today ( it was 69degrees ) . I struck up a conversation with an elderly man who was walking his dog , and we talked for a long time ; about life , children , loss , choices . Choosing whether to wallow in the pity , or look for the good . That it 's ok to wallow for a while , just don 't stay down there too long . He was wonderful . We didn 't exchange names , ( except for his dog , Abby ) but he was really great . The last thing he said to me was " Be a good mom . It 's the most difficult , demanding job on this earth " . I told him I do my best every single day , and that it 's the best , most important job I 've ever had or will have . And , the funnest news ( at least for John ! ) is that I picked up Guitar Hero III at Target today . The bundle came complete with 2 guitars ! Score ! ! ! Saylor and Stone enjoy it , Posted by I 've been reading here for many Sundays , now . It 's painful , and real . It 'll make you laugh . . . and cry . Really Beautiful . Check out Post Secret for yourself . I think you 'll enjoy it . We 've had a full and zany week of fun . Went to the park , oh , several times . Maybe 6 times ? Maybe more ? Today , I have a hair appointment for a cut and color ( ouch , it 'll be a spendy one , but I DESERVE IT ! : ) Part of me wants to do something radical ( or at least a dramatic , noticeable change ) and the other part of me clings to the old familiar . I don 't know which way I 'll go yet . Grandma will hang out with the boys while I 'm there , and then we 'll try to make it to cousin Jarod 's football game , and then , we 've been invited to go to Watiki Water Park with my sister and her family . They 're even buying our wrist bands ! So nice . . . : ) The boys are all still sleeping at this point , oh wait , I hear footsteps from above . They 'll be quite excited about swimming today . John will finish up his last day of work in MN today , winterize the bus tomorrow , then see Henry Rollins live in Minneapolis on Monday . He is * stoked * to go to this , and I 'm looking forward to a call right after with all the details while they 're still fresh in his mind . Then , Tuesday , he 'll fly to Texas to pick up a truck for his brother , drive said truck back to northern MN somewhere , and then hopefully come home for a spell . Yep . Welcome to our crazy life . Well , got a nursling crawling to my lap now , so I 'm off ! Good Day all . . . * * * THIS * * * is what unschooling gives me , gives our boys , gives the world ! It 's a beautiful thing . . . October 10 , 2007The Truths WithinValue Your Own Wisdom Throughout our lives , we will encounter individuals who presume to know what is best for us . The insights they offer cannot compare , however , with the powers of awareness and discernment that already exist within us . From birth we are blessed with wisdom that cannot be learned or unlearned . It exists whether or not we acknowledge it because it is a gift given to us by a loving universe before we chose to experience existence on the earthly plane . Yet for all its permanence , it is vital that we value and honor this incredible element of the self . It is when we do not use our inborn wisdom that we begin to doubt our personal truths and are driven to outside sources of information because we are afraid . What we know to be true in our hearts is invariably true , and we discover how intensely beautiful and useful self - trust can be when we recognize the power of our wisdom . Inner wisdom is not subject to the influences of the outside world , which means that it will never demand that we surrender our free will or counsel us to act in opposition to our values . We benefit from this inspiration when we open ourselves to it , letting go of the false notion that we are less qualified than others to determine our fate . The wisdom inside of us is the source of our discernment and our ability to identify blessings in disguise . When we are unsure of who to trust , how to respond , or what we require , the answers lie in our inner wisdom . It knows where we are going and understands where we are coming from , taking this into account though it is not a product of experience but rather a piece of our connection to the universal mind . In the whole of your existence , no force you will ever encounter will contribute as much to your ability to do what you need to do and be who you want to be as your natural wisdom . Through it , you reveal your growing consciousness to the greater source and dPosted by It was August 30 the last time I posted . I have so many important thoughts , really , I do ! It 's just that John was laid off in September , so he was home and my attentions were turned elsewhere . But , I do miss blogging . It helps me to clarify my thoughts , put down some highlights , and connect with the people reading . I also haven 't been reading blogs lately , and I caught up this morning , and it feels good to know how everyone is doing . I love that they share their journey so readily with me and the world . John is working this week in MN , for the week , then will be helping his brother pick up a truck from Oklahoma that John will be driving this winter . We really wished he could lay off completely , but we 're just not there yet , so it is as it 's meant to be . We 're enjoying fall . I 'm looking forward to retreating indoors more often now , although yesterday found us at the park flying airplanes . How can you not be at the park flying airplanes when it 's 73 degrees and sunny with no wind ? I 've been volunteering at the Breadroot , helping Mary with her boys for a couple hours while she does , and just otherwise staying busy loving my boys . We 've gone through a couple batches of scrumptious zucchini bars . Even Stone ( who really doesn 't like anything green ) is indulging ! And , biggest news of all . . . Stone is on week two of Karate and is absolutely Shining there ! He goes Monday through Thursday ( yep , 4 times a week ) for an hour each day and he 's always eager to go back the next day . We stay and watch . I wouldn 't miss it . My face disappears behind my smile every time I see him out there doing his kicks , punches and blocks . Oh , he 's just delicious , I tell you ! Mama pride , it 's a good thing . Almost as good as a kid who 's happy and loves his life , with our without mama pride ! : ) We 're still here ! John came home last weekend , and will come home again this weekend . He 's planning on getting into the parade ( Labor Day Parade - he is a union man , after all ) . So , when he gets home , he and the boys will be busy gathering up all of their earth moving equipment , retrieving a load of sand or dirt for the trailer , and representing Local 49 . The boys are stoked that they get to throw candy ! We went to our favorite little pond / park yesterday , and as Stone and I were balancing on the stone wall that surrounds the park , we saw a b . i . g . garter snake slithering about just below us . The boys caught it and played with her for a while , then put her back . Then , Saylor found a cutesy little turtle by the pond . We brought the turtle home and it will live with us until the excitement wears off . Stone has been spending every second with Striper . ( y ' know , cuz they have orange stripes ! ) He 's tickled , to say the least . After watching I - Caught , and hearing that there 's a video on youtube that walks you through , step by step , on how to pick a lock , Saylor 's been obsessed with everything " lock - pick " . We 've looked a many a site , and he 's got his heart on one that looks like a ballpoint pen , that has 5 lock - picking tools hidden inside . For 39 . 95 , it can be his ! We 're working on saving up that 39 . 95 . All 's well ! We 've been doing so many fun and interesting things that I won 't bother to list them all here . Just be assured we 're doing great ! Late this afternoon , after a while of playing / riding / running in the nearby deserted parking lot , I felt the urge to start pulling weeds , again . ( did a bunch a couple days ago , got a big job ahead of me ) . The weather was perfect for it , nice and cool with a bit of a breeze . So , I got my gloves and gave each child a cutting device so they could help with the big ones . We were all having a grand time , until Stone got stung by a bee . Poor child , he screamed his head off , it hurt him very much . I whisked him inside , put some lavender on the sting and gave him a homeopathic for insect bites / stings . Within minutes , he was making his baby brother belly laugh , the pain of the sting behind him . So , we wandered back outside and I resumed the weed pulling and trimmed a few pesky low hanging branches . The boys made quick use of these branches to build a zoo by first setting up some decorative wire fencing around the table , then stacking that full of branches . Once they were finished , the Zoo Keeper ( Saylor ) let me know it was open and that it was free , so he led me over , insisting I keep my eyes closed . He introduced me to his two critters , Jackie the Bunny ( Stone ) and Wolffy the Wolf ( Sage ) . It was one of those evenings that everything was just right . We were outside until dark , everyone engaged in something they were enjoying . Saylor had some oldies station blasting through the yard , which just added to the whole experience . Nothing like pulling weeds to " you 're mama can 't dance and you 're daddy don 't rock ' n ' roll " . Stone finally led me inside , telling me we were going into the aquarium now , and that there were gifts , but not for sale , for free , but I can only choose 5 so that there 's enough for everyone . . . Oh , and it just went on and on ! Daddy - O is in B - town with the cool Traaseth 's , so this post is especially for him , because I know Kelli will show it to him when she sees this really early tomorrow morning ! : ) Hope ya 'll ate a marshmallow for each of us ! Nabbed this from a friend 's blog ! Beautiful . " There is , of course , this matter of being afraidto give freedom toyoung children . I believe they have that withinthemselves which makesit possible for them to meet the world and life , and interpret it morenearly aright than can we . They carry with themthat inheritance offaith and imagination undimmed ; and thattremendous surging desire toknow , to see , to feel and to do , which is rarelybetrayed . In ourdesire as adults to lay hold of a child 's life , to grip it , mold it toour own values , we do unwittingly a great harm . We confront childrenwith our own fears , our own lack of faith ; tosafeguard them weattempt to thrust between them and life thosemany false illusionswhich we have picked up in our own twisting , turning way . Childrentake a far more advantageous highroad . A freechild is a happy child ; and there is nothing more lovely . . . " - - Ruth Sawyer , in her acceptance speech uponwinning the NewberyAward for Roller Skates , 1936 Last night , as I was helping Stone brush his teeth , and holding a very tired , cranky Sage , Saylor headed upstairs to hop into bed . He noticed that the sheet on the king - size bed felt all " crumbly " and so took the sheet off and went to get a clean sheet out of the closet . On his way back to the bedroom , sheet in hand , he passes by our big wind tunnel fan , and the sheet does something quite exciting . . . spreads out into this lovely , billowy fort . So , there he stops . He attached the sheet carefully ( it was the bottom sheet , so he used the elastic stuff ) to the back of the fan , and then ran downstairs to get all of us saying " you have GOT to see this " . We all ascend the stairs and see his magnificent creation . He invited us all in , Sage is now anything but cranky , he 's all smiles and excited to be in the fort all together . Saylor yelled down to invite Grandma up to check it out , and she and Max made their way in , as well . Even though it was late , we lounged around in there for a while before making our way to bed . Stone was saying " this could be our headquarters " and then told me he learned what headquarters were by watching X - Men . I am thankful that I have the ability to seize these moments of togetherness , creating new memories to add to our already overflowing happy memory bank . I am so thankful that I 'm not a parent trapped in the " it 's time for bed . period . " mindset . I would have completely missed this wonderful interaction with my boys . I 'm thankful that we really can follow our hearts , and that our hearts get to dictate what we do , when we do it , how we do it , instead of the clock or the calendar of the public schools . We would be missing out on so much , living our life in any other way . Yesterday , it reached something like 105 degrees here . Ouch . Stone wanted to return one of his b - day gifts to Toys - R - Us , so we headed out there to see what he had in mind . We ended up spending extra time there cruising around on their wheeled toys , just for fun ( and cuz it was nice and cool in there , too ! ) He decided that he 'd like to return the remote control Jeep , get a smaller remote control car for himself , and then a remote control boat for him , and one each for his brothers . What a generous soul ! We got the boats , loaded the batteries in them on our way to the pool , and they were a great disappointment . The batteries didn 't stay dry , the boats didn 't turn , and actually ended up filling with water and flipping over . So , after 4 hours at the pool , the boys wanted to return the boats and Stone wanted to get Saylor a car like the one he 'd chosen for himself earlier , because that actually worked and was fun . Mama was quite spent at this point , hot , tired , but mostly hungry , it turned out . After eating a delish dish at Qdoba , I found the energy and ability to smile and say , " YES ! Let 's go return those boats and get that car ! " Well , we did just that , Stone saw to it that Saylor and Sage each got a car to bring home , and they 've been having the best time cruising their cars all around together . As a matter of fact , Saylor and Stone are outside right now driving them . And I 've just retrieved Sage from our bed and delivered him outside to play with his brothers . Looks as if my morning coffee / e - mail / blog time is at it 's end ! Time to go be a mother to my boys ! that my Sweet , Sweet Stone turns 6 ! How I wish I could go back to the day he was born , truly one of the happiest in my life . Our first homebirth , snug in our little sacred space . He was the most beautiful baby , with those big eyes and the dimpled chin . . . he took my breath away early that morning , when I first laid my eyes on him , and he continues to take my breath away daily . This child of mine , the one who really encourages me to stretch my mothering wings and flex in ways that inspire me to grow and be better , do better . As I tell him often , " Thank you for choosing me ! " They just do so much every day that makes me smile and melt with Joy . For the past several days , they 've been practicing their bb gun skills in our back - yard - shooting - range . Funny , cuz if you saw our back yard , you 'd wonder how we can do it at all ! : ) It 's little . Anyway , there happens to be a stretch alongside the garage , long narrow open space , that they 've been using . They set up their cans on the table , and then shoot them over , rarely missing . Just beyond the table is an overgrown tree , and beyond that is a privacy fence , so I 'm confident that no windows will be sacrificed . On Monday , our neighbor R . played with us most of the whole day . While he was here , they made a little fort out of a hole in the wall . Seriously , though , there is an access door inside my closet , that takes you to a space behind the wall , if that makes any sense ? Right now , the space is insulated and the floor has exposed beams , with insulation between them . They used a large piece of wood that was in there to create a sitting space . John will cut some more pieces to finish off the rest of the floor , then I 've got 2 big Pier 1 rag rugs we 'll put in there for them , some big cozy pillows , some shelves . However , I must say that they 've done quite a job of making if their own already , with no help from us at all . Saylor put his portable dvd player in there , along with a tiny little lamp , a fan and a couple of closet lights he picked up yesterday with his allowance . So , now when Saylor is MIA , I can find him up there , sneaking in some quiet time , watching a DVD , just hanging out . Pretty fun stuff ! We 've been researching 4 - H ; Saylor wants to participate in their shooting sports . Stone will have to wait until he 's 8 , though . Ugh . Poor guy ! We 've got fruit flies munching on a ripe banana in a jar . Stone 's busy planning his birthday party , set for this Saturday . We 're thinking park , pond , crawdads , a couple cakes and lots of friends . Today , out of the blue , Sage starts telling me about a scene from Shrek 2 , where Donkey keeps smacking his lips and ShPosted by We have just been so darn busy lately , that my time is limited to share with you all what we are doing . Most of what we 've been doing includes water and swimming . Yeah ! : ) The boys all have that cute little back tan , that stops just above their sweet little cheeks . Adorable ! We did the lake last Friday ( oh , I think I posted about that ) . And then we went to the Rushmore Water Slides on Sunday with my sister , her children and the 2 Japanese exchange students they have for two weeks . Yesterday , we inflated our Bonzai water slide , but then Robert came over and they all chose him , instead . Today , we are going to go have Janice ( robert 's gma ) help us thread our sewing machine . I haven 't done it since highschool , and sat there and looked at it , like , ' duh ' ? She 's the sewing expert , so she 's agreed to help us out . Saylor 's hungry for crepes , so gotta go whip some up . I 'll get up some pictures soon ! Blessed Be . . . We went to Sheridan Lake , for the whooooole day yesterday . That 's so how we do things , all the way 110 % , no rushing us , man ! We got there about 11 : 30 ' sh and left at 6 : 00 . Saylor and Stone left with Amy and Adeline to spend the night with them in Deadwood . Sage and I came home , ate some crock - pot goodness , watched the first season of Weeds ( LOOOVE IT ! and Oh ! the Music ! ) and shared a gourmet chocolate bar . After every episode of Weeds was over , he 'd say " Can we go now ? " He really wanted to go be where his brothers were , and I kept explaining to him that we 'd go in the morning . It is precious how much he loves his brothers . He 's just a bit beside himself when they aren 't near . So , this morning , we 're heading to Deadwood to catch the Days of ' 76 Parade and pick up our boys . Then , I 'm hoping to spend the day at home milling around , pecking away at some neglected duties and relaxing . But . . . I have two boys who might have entirely different ideas of how our day should look , so we 'll see . Gotta get dressed and get going ! Peace . . . Sage had 2 hats on , and looked so cute sitting here with Max . He humored me and sat for a shot , too ! We searched for crawdaddies yesterday . The boys thought it would be fun to try their fishing poles , baited with ham . Yep , crawdads enjoy ham . They pulled in several . Watching and waiting . . . This is the lovely pond that 's just blocks away from our home . We love it ! It 's home to some HUGE snapping turtles , too ; which we 've had the privilege of seeing . They are so prehistoric looking . . . very cool ! Sage wanted to bring along a toy to play with , so we played a while with these before he requested we go over to the park to play on the slide . The children pictured here are all friends of ours . Mary came with her 3 sons , and Christine came with her 2 sons , her daughter , and another little girl . I 'll get some photos of the mama 's one of these times ! Here are some contemplative little people . Wonder what they 're discussing ? From left , Henry , Saylor , Haakon and Willow . " Advice to Myself " by Louise Erdrich , from Original Fire : Selected and New Poems . © Harper Collins Publishers , 2003 . Advice to MyselfLeave the dishes . Let the celery rot in the bottom drawer of the refrigeratorand an earthen scum harden on the kitchen floor . Leave the black crumbs in the bottom of the toaster . Throw the cracked bowl out and don 't patch the cup . Don 't patch anything . Don 't mend . Buy safety pins . Don 't even sew on a button . Let the wind have its way , then the earththat invades as dust and then the deadfoaming up in gray rolls underneath the couch . Talk to them . Tell them they are welcome . Don 't keep all the pieces of the puzzlesor the doll 's tiny shoes in pairs , don 't worrywho uses whose toothbrush or if anythingmatches , at all . Except one word to another . Or a thought . Pursue the authentic - decide firstwhat is authentic , then go after it with all your heart . Your heart , that placeyou don 't even think of cleaning out . That closet stuffed with savage mementos . Don 't sort the paper clips from screws from saved baby teethor worry if we 're all eating cereal for dinneragain . Don 't answer the telephone , ever , or weep over anything at all that breaks . Pink molds will grow within those sealed cartonsin the refrigerator . Accept new forms of lifeand talk to the deadwho drift in though the screened windows , who collectpatiently on the tops of food jars and books . Recycle the mail , don 't read it , don 't read anythingexcept what destroysthe insulation between yourself and your experienceor what pulls down or what strikes at or what shattersthis ruse you call necessity . I 'm outta coffee ! And everyone is still sleeping , so I can 't make a coffee run . And if that 's the greatest of my woes , then I 'd say I 'm living a pretty damn good life ! But , when the baby wakes up , I 'm running to get a cup to tide me over , then I 'll pick up some fresh roasted beans from our local roaster . They 're wholesalers , too , so if I buy 5 # , I get it at the wholesale price of 7 . 99 / # . I can already smell the sweetness of some organic Mexican fair trade beans brewing up ! We went to the pool yesterday with Kendra and her three sons , Cole , Zach and Luke . They all had a great time with each other ; they always do . We might do a movie with them sometime this week , as well . A cheap movie , that is ! Our lovely little Elks Theater has $ 3 seats . We 've got a couple big theaters , too , but we like to wait a bit and drop less cash to see a new release . We played a dvd game last night and one of my questions was about Elaine Davidson , and how many piercings she has ( she holds the world record ) . I guessed right , then we had to google her and find a picture . Pretty incredible ! We started to listen to Redwall last night , but most of us fell asleep before really getting into it . We 'll try again tonight . We 're heading up into the hills to hang out at Robioux ( eek , that 's a hard one to spell , but it 's pronounced Ro - Bay ) Lake . I 'll have to check for the real spelling when I 'm there . Anyway , it 's supposed to be another scorcher here today , so the temps should be somewhat gentler up there , and we 'll be in the water all day , so it 'll be good fun . I 've got the cooler packed with carrots , strawberries , grapes , watermelon , sugar snap peas , sandwiches , some chips and a few sodas . We 've got our big jug of ice - cold water prepared , the boys are all running around here in their swim gear and we are ready to go ! Dinner 's in the crock - pot , waiting to nourish us when we return home , tired and hungry , full of happy memories and sand in places I won 't mention ! ; ) One quick stop at Albertson 's for some ice and to pick up a movie for tonight ( 99 cent Mondays ) and then we 'll head up the hill , listening to Bowling for Soup ALL THE WAY THERE ! Saylor already informed me we 'll be listening to number 3 the whole way ! Enjoy the beautiful day , all ! THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noellewww . enjoyparenting . com / dailygroove : : Goodness Is Inspired , Not Required : : Situation 1 : You ask your friend what she wants for a birthdaygift , and she says , " I would treasure * any * giftfrom you ! " Wouldn 't you feel inspired to give her somethingvery special ? Situation 2 : Another friend says , " I hope you 're getting mesomething * good * for my birthday . . . I just * hate * tacky gifts ! " Wouldn 't you feel like giving this friend a pileof fake dog poop ? ! : - ) The point is that you feel most inspired to pleaseothers when you don 't feel pressured or coerced - - when you don 't " have to . " Children are no different . They love to please others , especially their parents , so long as their inspirationto share pleasure isn 't confounded by implied threatsof punishment , reward , or withdrawal of approval . Today , let go of all " required goodness " by affirmingthat your child is inherently good , and is * free * toexpress that goodness . . . and free * not * to express it . Remember that the best way to foster children ' sauthentic goodness is to let them see how much * you * enjoy expressing your own goodness . http : / / dailygroove . net / inspired - not - requiredFeel free to forward this message to your friends ! ( Please include this paragraph and everything above . ) Copyright ( c ) 2007 by Scott Noelle In June , before we went back to Sacramento , Grandpa treated us to a visit to the Cosmos Mystery Area . Here 's a cool photo of just some of the freaky stuff that goes on there ! Back in Sacramento , swimming at the pool where we were parked . Fly Baby , Fly ! Getting his funk on ! A wee bit of warm up in the sun . I used to love laying on the hot concrete to warm up when I was little . Heck , I still do ! Daddy and his babe . More pool time . . . The feast Rita and I cooked up for Father 's Day . Ogden , UT . On our way back to Rapid City . All the boys playing with their AirSoft Guns . Water sliding while parked at a friend 's farm near Kennebec , SD . On our way to Minnesota , late June . Saylor driving us to a stock pond to try some fishing . We put it in first gear and he did the rest ; gas , brake , steer ! He did great ! No luck fishing in SD , but this beauty was caught in Northfield , MN . We stayed in Northfield for about a week right before the 4th of July . Stone was so proud of his bass ! And Saylor had good luck fishing , too ! They caught bazillions of bullhead , nearly every cast in promised a bite ! That makes for fun fishing ! Clearing off the bug juice . In Northfield , MN . John 's beautiful Mama Shirley visiting from Virginia . Here she is chopping up 4 # of strawberries for some strawberry shortcake . Saylor was outside just after a big rainstorm in Northfield , and ended up with a bit of a mud splatter ! Our time in Bemidji . We arrived there on July 4th . Here are the kids painting in the sun , one of many great memories had from our time there . More painting fun . . . Saylor finally gets the black hair he 's always wanted ! It 's nearly back to his blonde already , with the sun and swimming we 've been doing . Posted by We had a blaster of a thunderstorm yesterday , and the boys had a wonderful time in it ! They were under the umbrella some , in the rain some , running around and laughing together some , just having a ball ! I always say I love rainy days because then I can actually keep my boys * inside * . Hmmm , guess that ain 't truly so . We stopped at a thrift store yesterday and scored some great buys ! Here 's our new lite brite for only $ 4 ! Stone worked on this rooster for most of the evening , coming back to it when he 'd pass by , putting in a few lights , then moving on to something else until the mood struck again . I wanted to leave it right there , glowing all night it was so pretty ! But Sage thought it was fun to start removing the lights , so I tucked it safely away in another room . We also picked up a couple wooden Tonka vehicles and Pictionary Junior ( for $ 3 ) ! Woo hoo ! I loves me a good deal ! ! ! Cousin Jarod spent the night last night and they are now having some serious mud fun ! John would have a heart attack if he saw this , but when the cat 's away . . . : ) No , I 'll tell him about it . But he usually doesn 't like the kids playing there and creating muddy swamps and such , but all that dirt is just there begging to be watered and enjoyed ! Saylor is loving WoW . We went out yesterday and bought a head - set so he can chat with others ( Hayden & Kyra ) through Skype while playing . Sooo cool ! And sooo easy ! And sooo free ! ( except for the head - set ) . Not much time to post more right now , I 've got three boys that want to go to the park pond on a quest for crawdads . We 're hoping to go now , while it 's only 90 degrees . It 's supposed to hit 103 today . We 'll be coming home to watch a movie when that happens . We rented Ghostrider and Catch and Release last night from Albertson 's . Gotta love their 99 cent Monday rentals ! We watched Ghostrider last night , and we 'll draw the shades , cuddle on the couch in the ac house and watch the other one today . All 's well . . . . . . and I think it 'll be the last for a while ! . . . . . long , dreary sigh . . . . And , what does one do when coming off of an 8 hour road trip , ( from the Twin Cities back to Rapid City ) ? Why . . . run through the sprinkler , of course ! Yep , the boys and I ( again , without John , double long , dreary sigh ) are back at home now . The reasons are many and varied , but basically , we need to keep our nose to the grindstone and * make * more money right now , while pulling back on the spending reins . That said , we arrived here about 9 : 30 . It 's dark out , but quite warm , 85 degrees , I think ? Our grass was crispy under our feet , so I said I was going to put the sprinkler out for a bit . " Can we run through the sprinkler ? " Stone asks . " Of Course ! " I say , " Why not ! ! ! What can be more fun than running through the sprinkler , in the dark , after a long day in the car ! " So , we did ! And it was fun ! Now Stone and Sage are in the tub ( surprise ! ) and Saylor is patiently waiting for one last patch to go through so he can get on WoW ! ( thanks , Traaseth 's ! ) He 's been itchin ' to play since we left Bemidji yesterday ( sniff . . . ) Ta ta for now ! Hugs and Love . . . We 're tucked away in Bemidji , MN in the driveway of some wonderful unschoolers . Saylor , Stone , and Sage have played ALL DAY , EVERY DAY since we 've gotten here . And , this is the house for playin ' , too , let me tell ya ! There 's the trampoline , the pool , and the woods to explore outside . Inside , there 's really too much to list ! The Wii ( oh ! So much fun ! ) the PS2 , big ol ' flat screen for watching movies , sewing materials and art supplies aplenty , guinea pigs and a corn snake , too ! Saylor and Krya have been sewing bags and have plans to sew up a few more and sell them ! ; ) Last night before we headed to the bus for the night , Saylor said " Kyra , tomorrow , let 's sew all day " . He 's into it . We all watched as the snake was fed yesterday , the boys thought that was pretty cool ! Before coming here , we spent a few days in Northfield , MN near John 's brother 's place . John 's mama , Shirley , flew in from Virginia on the 30th so we got to hang out with her for a few days . We left there on the 4th and then she flew out on the 8th . Sage and Savannah ( Jim 's daughter , about 1 month older than Sage ) didn 't quite hit it off , so had to be closely watched when they were playing together . Sage was getting easily frustrated , not sure why ? But , at two years old , I guess he really doesn 't need a reason . It 's our job to * be there * and help him through those moments ! I only wish everyone else would have gotten that , instead of resorting to the " your kid is mean " crap . I could go on , but what 's done is done and I 'm sorry for those who refused to see what an amazing child he is . * * * * big sigh * * * * Ok , moving on ! So , here we are , now , surrounded by gentle , loving , open - minded , open - hearted people ! That 's always such a refreshing gift ! I thank the Universe for bringing people like this to our lives . We 're so stinkin ' lucky ! ( right at this very moment in time , Stone , Sage and Kyra are watching Shrek 2 , Saylor is outside with Tim ( dad - on - duty ) chopping up a fallen tree , Kelli 's doing her pool duties , Alec is ePosted by Since I haven 't written since we first arrived back in RC , I 'll be filling in some gaps from then until now . ( just the highlights , or the things I 'm remembering now , a week ( almost two ) later ; there 'll be many details I 've forgotten , I 'm sure ) Oh , and the last time I wrote , was June 18 , the day we arrived in RC . I kinda forgot to mention in that post , but on that special day , June 18th , John and I celebrated our 13th anniversary ! xxx ooo We still really like each other . . . My mom needed some clothes to wear to the Kilber family reunion , so she invited me along last Tuesday night . We had a great time , she chose some really cute , flattering things and then we went for a quick dinner at Red Lobster . It was pretty cool having my mom all to myself ! Stone , Sage and I did some crawdad fishing and turtle searching down at the little pond near our house . Saylor spent the day with Robert at Janice 's house ( Robert 's Gma ) which he always loves to do . Janice is one of those story book Grandma 's , whipping out the homemade play dough and all ! John was busy all week doing his UA test and getting his haz - mat endorsement on his CDL , but we still had lots of time together . He brought a picnic down to the pond for us and we all sat under the shade of a big tree and ate lunch together . We got together with some friends to celebrate the Summer Solstice on Thursday . We went up into the hills to a little roadside park that has a wide , shallow stream running through it . We picnicked and ( of course ) got very , very wet looking for minnows , crawdads and tad - poles . Boys … they never tire of it ! We headed to Pierre on Friday for the Kilber Family Reunion which was to be held Saturday . It was nice to see and catch up with some family members , and meet plenty of new ones . Stone thought it was pretty awesome that he was related to * every single person * in the room ! The boys each bid on an item at the silent auction , and were highest bidders , so went home with something special to mark the occasion . We left Pierre Sunday , travelingPosted by We 're in RC right now . The trip north - east went well . Only a minor mechanical problem on the bus , and John , being the super - cool - extremely - talented - can - figure - anything - out - kind of Guy , pin - pointed and solved the problem : a dirty air filter ! We left Sacramento WAAAAY early Friday morning , like around 4 : 00 am . YIKES ! It took us most of the day to get to Utah , to be with family there . It was a hot drive , and the air filter thing took a few stops and babying of the bus to get resolved . We were thankful to arrive and have the chance to hang out with George & Rita for the weekend . We went to a lake ( which lake , Rita ? I don 't remember . . . she reads , I know she 'll answer ! ) on Saturday and had lots and lots of fun there . Rita had the brilliant idea to whip up some " hobo stew " . What is hobo stew , you ask ? Why , it 's chopped up potatoes , carrots , onions and the meat of your choice ( or none at all ! ) all thrown into handy little tin - foil packets to be grilled when the time is right . We frolicked in the water for awhile , then dug a hole , threw in some charcoal , and had ourselves a feast on the beach . Sage was becoming quite friendly with the water , and walking out , up to his neck , and then turning around and walking back to the shore , over and over and over . You could just see him figuring out how his body moves differently in the water and how to compensate for that . I was right beside him the whole time , and he did tip a couple of times , but always came up grinning , and wiping the water off of his face , and then back to his high - stepping through the water routine . On Sunday , we made a big breakfast of pancakes , eggs and sausage for the Dad 's on their special day , then headed to a little local fishing hole . No fish were caught , but George , Saylor and Stone did a great job of building a little dam to divert the flow of water in a flowing spot . As tummies began to growl , we headed back to the house and created a whole mess of kabobs for lunch / dinner , and followed them with some delicious strawberry shortcake ! ( it 's all about the fPosted by Well , if this just isn 't the way things work in our little world , sometimes ! John 's company here wasn 't able to give him the hours that he needed , and Wednesday morning , he was offered a job with a company in Minnesota , so . . . we 're coming back to the mid - west . John hasn 't worked at all this week , and he had to make a decision * now * about which way to go . Wait it out here , and hope like hell that he worked his butt off the rest of the summer , or go back and work in the mid - west , where he always gets in lots of hours in the busy season . So , today we 're packing everything up and leaving here Friday morning . We 'll stop in Ogden , UT to visit George and Rita for a day or two , and then continue on to Rapid City . He starts his new job a week from Monday . ( on a brand new machine , which he is very happy about . He 's sick of operating junk and spending more time working on them than * operating * them ) He 'll go to Minnesota , around the twin cities area , and scope things out . He might take the bus there at some point , if he ends up doing a lot of work right there in the metro area . And if the bus is there , we can be , too . But for now , he 'll be home on the weekends ( we hope ! ) and we 'll hunker down in RC for a bit until it 's clear which direction to go next . The boys and I have done our Target & Trader Joe 's run , to grab a few essentials . It 's a close drive to both , about 2 . 8 miles or so , so that 's good . As we were nearing Trader Joe 's , I was beginning to feel myself tense up about taking 3 healthy , active boys grocery shopping . It 's just not fun for them , so they find ways to make it fun , and they usually include things that make me crazy ! So , brainstorm ! I asked them each to grab a basket , and go shopping ! I told them to browse around at all the aisles ( including the produce aisle ! ) and choose the things that looked good to them . So . . . they did ! They went off together , shopping away ! I don 't know if this would work in a big store , but TJ 's is a small , cozy little place and I felt completely ok with them being out of my sight . Interestingly enough , they stayed with * each other * the entire time , and no fighting , bickering , arguing , etc . Just lots of excitement , helping each other find things , and comparing baskets . It was SOOOO COOOOL ! This , we will most certainly do again ! It was a splendid shop , FUN , even ! We got everything we ALL needed / wanted and walked out of there with no raised blood pressure ! Here 's what they chose , collectively : bananasgranny smith applesa pineapple2 bags of jerky1 bag of organic avocados2 6 - packs of Hansen 's natural soda ( root beer and cherry vanilla creme ) salt & pepper potato chipsmiso soupudon soupterriyaki noodle bowlorganic tomato bisquebag of confetti candyfrozen potstickerscinnammon rollsOh , and Sage chose a watermelon ! Good times . . . our traveling flockThe Great Salt Lake DesertAn interesting sculpture out in the middle of NO WHERE ! Throughout the Salt Lake Desert , there really is nothing , so people go and put interesting things to look at , for us weary travelers , I guess ! There 's a christmas tree , lots of rocks that spell things , stacks of balancing rocks . It 's fun to look at what people have added . 3 boys2 birds1 dog1300 miles5 states2 days1 hotel ( and night swimming ) 2 movies2 too many fast - food stops , blech ! lots of good music0 major meltdownsWe did well ! : ) Here I sit . 10 : 00 pm , Wednesday night . John and Sage just hopped into bed together . ( well , technically , I slid Sage out of my arms and into bed , but John kind of hopped , gently ! : ) Saylor and Stone are off playing flashlight tag , and walking in the shallow trench that 's weaving around near our bus with their new friend , Logan . I 'm enjoying a few moments of quiet solitude under our gazebo , which John had so beautifully set up , complete with hanging flower baskets and pretty lights strung in the center , that give off that just right glow . Sounds peachy , eh ? Y ' know , a friend a I were just talking about our blog , here . She noted that I only share the good , positive happy stuff . Yep , that 's what I share ! Just so you know , however , we do have our share of crap , bumps and detours , just like everybody else . I just choose to focus on the good in our lives , knowing that old Secret . . . what you give your Attention to increases . So , I give as much attention to all the good stuff , because how fun would it be to have the bad stuff multiply ? Nah , not much fun at all ! So , yes , it is a lovely , peachy , picture perfect night here ! All my boys are around me , healthy and sharing their endless gifts . How much better can it be ? Hoping your night is all you wish for , too ! Gratitude . . . I 've begun the first preparations for our trip back to Sacramento , which basically consists of starting my lists . We 'll leave sometime between Sunday and Tuesday . How 's that for planning ? Basically , when the milk and eggs are gone , when the laundry is done ( enough ) , and when all the stuff gets put into the car , then , we 'll go . We met Melanie and Siri ( awe - inspiring unschoolers ) at the pond today , to search for crawdads , in the rain ! Saylor showed Siri the crawdaddy catching trick , and they were off and running ! The kids had a good time , Melanie and I shared an enlightening conversation and nobody melted ! I went out for a couple hours tonight with Pam , my eternal friend . . . xxx ooo ! ! ! ( love you , baby ! ) We had a margarita and a bottomless salad at Minerva 's , then she came with me to Target to get diapers , wipes and pull - ups for our trip West . Also had to pick up a Pretzelmaker pretzel for Stone , because he was asking about them today , and wondering when he could have one . ( everyone got one ) Tomorrow , we hang out with Grandpa Mike . He 's taking us to Cosmos , and maybe some other touristy thing , then we 'll go to his place in Custer to grill some goods for dinner . Saturday , I think is open right now , so that 'll be my day for doing some major stuff to get ready to go . Then ? Who knows ? Maybe Sunday at the crack of dawn , we 'll slip on out of town ? I just found out about this very cool site and of course my interest is piqued ! Who knows ? ? ? There 's such a big , big world out there and the possibilities are truly endless . . . I love that about our life , that we are open to the possibilities . . . sure makes for a Rich and Joyful one ! In that order , that 's what we 've done the past few days . Monday , we headed down to the little park near our house , it 's got a pond and a little run - off area with rocks in the water that make perfect hiding places for crawdads . So , the boys did that from about noon until 6 : 30 that day ! We had such a great time , though ! I love the days that I can let go of ' stuff ' and just * BE * , and that was one of those days ! I wasn 't interested in trying to coax them out of there , just so I could do things that I thought were important to me ( such as house work , which REALLY needed to be done , but it 's gotten done bit by bit over the past days ) . Actually , while we were all there together , it never occurred to me that I should be anywhere else but right there where I was ! Such freedom . . . and such a Gift to really be in the Moment , priceless , really . There were many , many children there , of all ages and backgrounds . And they were delightful . I was having just as much fun with children we were just meeting as with my own ! Actually , one little guy , Eli , reeeeally liked me ! He hung out with me far more than my very own boys , who were so engaged ! Eli is 3 , incredibly beautiful , and sweet as can be ! As I meandered around , checking out everyone 's catch or running around playing with Sage , Eli says " Can I hold your hand ? " Of course ! When I was headed to the Suburban to retrieve the marshmallows that Sage requested we get while we were picking up lunch , Eli asked " Can I walk with you " Yep ! As we were sitting there watching the kids hunt for crawdads and sharing marshmallows with all our new friends , he says " Can I sit on your lap ? " Oh , he was precious ! I sometimes meet children that I feel such a connection with , immediately , even if I 've never laid eyes on them before . And I have this deep feeling for them , like they could be one of my very own . I wonder . . . So , the day was magic ! We all had a grand time and were the last ones to leave . On our way home , we helped a couple little boys on their bicycles who were trying to ride home ( one bike wiPosted by Behind the piano , but still beautiful as ever ! The boys wanted Amy to sign their hands . . . she signed our CD , too . . . Big Fat Grins ! ( Sage was just waking up after a little snooze through " Gone " , her closing number ) That 's what we had last night ! From the moment my sister arrived , and we shared a glass of wine on the porch , to loading up all of our precious ones into the car , with * my * mom behind the drivers wheel , it was a fun , fun evening out with the ever - amazing Amy Steinberg ! ! : ) We had some fine cuisine ( err , uh , Taco John 's ! but , hey , we LIKE it ! ) for dinner , and then hit the road to Hot Springs . Naturally , we listened to Amy all the way to Hot Springs , and it was the first time Barb ( sister ) heard her , but mom and I were singin ' along to every song ( the kids were , too ! ) We arrived in time to grab front row seats in the very intimate setting that was the venue for the show . . . chairs arranged in a semi - circle around the piano / guitar / mike stand . When she was at the piano , we mostly only saw her boa floofing around while she sang , but when she was on her guitar , OH YEAH ! Perfect ! There were probably 40 or so ( i 'm a terrible guesstimator ) people there , and I saw many of them leaving with CD 's in hand , so Amy 's Music is sure to be shared and the Love will be spread . . . There were a few children there , other than my three and Barb 's one , and at one point Amy commented on how she loved to see children at her shows , and that 's it 's great when they 're running around and being noisy , because that 's what being a child is all about , and how it 's awful when people try to shush them , and shove pills down their throat to calm them down ! Mmm , mmm , my kinda gal ! Well , even though my smiler muscles began hurting from over - use , it was just an over - all spectacular night and I am ever - so - Grateful that I got to share it with people I love so much !

FARK . com : ( 7849197 ) The Rescue : A True Story . Starring one tiny adorable kitten trapped in a burning home , and one incredibly heroic Fireman with a helmet - cam . Coming to theaters , just in time for Caturday Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Politics The Rescue : A True Story . Starring one tiny adorable kitten trapped in a burning home , and one incredibly heroic Fireman with a helmet - cam . Coming to theaters , just in time for Caturday ( mashable . com ) 3 votes : Spinnyr : The " Beauty - Butt " , Luscious . . . Her eyes are light - light blue , and sometimes - - - don 't know why - - - they turn really red . Technically , because the light of the flash occurs too fast for the pupil to close , much of the very bright light from the flash passes into the eye through the pupil , reflects off the fundus at the back of the eyeball and out through the pupil . The camera records this reflected light . The main cause of the red color is the ample amount of blood in the choroid which nourishes the back of the eye and is located behind the retina . The blood in the retinal circulation is far less than in the choroid , and plays virtually no role . The eye contains several photostable pigments that all absorb in the short wavelength region , and hence contribute somewhat to the red eye effect . Because all white cats are basically furry little terminators . 2 votes : Another Dog Pic - - the one I tried to fwd to Select Folk yesterday & was told nothing was there . Marci Swann , wife of barbershopper Gregg ( they live in WV ) who 's back on the Events Team as Plumbicon is , sent me this on July 2 . They care for a dog whose name & breed I forget . spinach gunk , tnx for bringing Sarah back to mind . Think you said she was such a good girl . Also tnx yobbery for fresh Biscuit & others pix , also to remember lurvly Alice . Is that Biscuit in the . gif shaking himself enthusiastically ? Sure looks like it could be - - 2 votes : Hai Biscuit ! * waves back * I 'm so jealous of you guize with the photophiliac kittehs . GoGo Beastie RUNS and would put a hole in a door to get away if she had to when she just sees my camera . Not that I 've figured out how to use the obviously - smarter - than - me thing , or I 'd have pictures of our skwerls and tons of food porn . * sigh * Some things I 'm good at , a lot of things I 'm not so good at , and that camera falls in the " not so good at " category . 2 votes : The Ice Queen : Cosmo tripped me when I got home so I 'm all black and blue . GoGo Beastie only does that when I 'm at least halfway up the stairs . Any less and it is no longer a proper homicide attempt , I guess . You OK ' cept the lovely new color accessories ? 1 vote : lilyspad : Real Women Drink Akvavit : I 'll have to dig some up some day . I 'm sure mom has some around here somewhere . Please do ! ! : DI 'll ask her when she gets back from her trip where they 're hidden . I don 't think any of them have been scanned or anything yet . 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 567x500 ] I hope nobody is offended by this . . . . I just thought it was funny . That 's a classic ! Not offended over here . My panties are not even in a twist - and yes , I 'm actually wearing some ! / nmc , nmc , nmu 1 vote : I 'm going to check out early . I have to get back to the rat race in the morning ( . . . and end of vacation depression blows goats . ) Have a great week everyone . See you on Thursday . 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x478 ] Hai ! Broke out of work early . . . it 's even too hot for customers , apparently ! So , you guize are stuck with me for some extra time today ! I can smell your joy . Or maybe , that 's just QJ 's hushpuppies ! ! ! : DHe 's got back up now in the form of his MOM ! However , I am proud of him for being so generous with the sharing of the hushpuppies . 1 vote : lilyspad : Ha ! Looks like we both had the same thoughts on the heat ! ! ! ! : DI 'm so glad the heat is settling down . Being on foot for my commute it sucks to arrive at work in the morning all hot and sweaty , even if it is before 7AM and only a 20 min walk ! lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x429 ] 1 vote : AARRRRGH ! ! Stupid friggin county library computers ! Fourth time I 've tried to post before system locks up from all the damn local trash playing yahoo games online ! Anywhooos , Happy Caturday ! Sorry I 'm late , spent the weekend at my place with whiskey between two AC units . Or was that with AC between two whiskey units ? Kind of hazy at this point . . . ALIEN ! Good to see you still posting . Please don 't give up , just keep on rolling and keep us appraised of your situation . My offer of paypal is still out there , let me have a contact email so I can send a little . I 'm not pushing charity , I just feel like crap that you are in such horrible dire straits and I 'm unable to help you ! ! And now , some cats . Asbestos lining sold seperately . . . 1 vote : lilyspad : akimbotoo : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x415 ] Okay , I am OFFICIALLY done with this heat ! Holy cow ! It 's 98 right now . . . again . Supposed to be in the upper 90 's for another week . I 'm gonna snap , I tell ya ! ! ! ! If you guize read about some crazy middle - aged woman running naked through the neighbors sprinklers while drinking beer , start collecting bail money ! : DI 'll bring a camera too ! : DOr video . . . . . : D You 're twisted , I like that ! ! ! Hahaha ! ! ! You have that right ! I would probably bring the Flip too so we could have Youtube - ready videos ! We had old friends visit us earlier this week and I think I shocked him a little with my sense of humor . I told them the story about when I had the metal plate & screws removed from my ankle after my fracture adventure . I was disappointed that the surgeon wouldn 't let me watch the operation . I had a spinal anesthetic instead of the general anesthetic and got a bit bored after a while because I couldn 't tell how many screws were still left to be removed . It seemed like it was taking forever ! I asked him to make them " plink " in the bowl like in the cowboy movies so I could tell how far along he was . Everyone laughed , but he did it for me ! 1 vote : lilyspad : yobbery : How to drive your cat apeshiat crazy Bwahahaha ! ! ! ! I see a disco light in Lily 's future ! ! ! ! ! : DDoooo eeeeet ! ! ! / don 't forget the tunes : o ) 1 vote : tigerose : yobbery : tigerose : OlderGuy : tigerose : Hello ! I could not find Eli for a while today . And no one remembered if he was in or out . Turns out he was in the attic ! Good thing today was not so hot as it haz been ! Geez I think that cat needs a locator appMicrochip with GPS : o ) Hmmmm ! I am thinking of hazing him chipped . The local petsupply place does them for 10 bucks ? Worth every penny in case he gets lost or picked up . Do they have a veterinary clinic there ? Won 't help much for attic trappings though . You may want to get him an iPhone if he keeps insisting on going up there . [ www . smugmug . com image 300x169 ] if I have to get the data plan , he will have to settle for Meowers Code . . . 1 vote : lilyspad : yobbery : How to drive your cat apeshiat crazy [ www . smugmug . com image 500x500 ] Bwahahaha ! ! ! ! I see a disco light in Lily 's future ! ! ! ! ! : DThat would be cruel ! / Make sure you get a video : o ) 1 vote : tigerose : OlderGuy : tigerose : Hello ! I could not find Eli for a while today . And no one remembered if he was in or out . Turns out he was in the attic ! Good thing today was not so hot as it haz been ! Geez I think that cat needs a locator appMicrochip with GPS : o ) Hmmmm ! I am thinking of hazing him chipped . The local petsupply place does them for 10 bucks ? Worth every penny in case he gets lost or picked up . Do they have a veterinary clinic there ? Won 't help much for attic trappings though . You may want to get him an iPhone if he keeps insisting on going up there . 1 vote : Mrs CDK : Been busy this weekend but wanted to pop in to say hi . . . [ i384 . photobucket . com image 500x375 ] * waves * Hai ! Busy over here , too . Trying to do a Super Secret Lair of Infinite Doom project ( rearranging my room ) , cleaning Grandma 's room out at least part way so Mom doesn 't have to dig through the medical stuff , just the happy memories and also building a couple sets of shelves and rearranging the garage - all while my Mom is on vacation . So , she should have the best vacation and return from vacation EVER , all things considered . 1 vote : Hello , everybody . been a busy summer around the infinity household . i 've been behind on every one of my leisurely pursuits , including caturdays . However , I feel I would be terribly remiss if I didn 't make a small announcement while the thread was still open . We have been looking for some furkids to adopt for about a month now . We wanted to get 2 , so they could keep each other company . Without trying to be too picky about breed , color , etc . The important part was personality and sociability with other animals . We also wanted fairly close to same age or litter mates if possible . Our source is the local humane society . We made a few visits and fell for a pair of kittens , a brother and sister , only to find they had just been taken that day . But there were more kittens at a local pet store in an adoption partnership with the humane society being the beneficiary . There were 2 tabbies and 2 all black kitties , the one girl kitty was one of the all black ones . She was also the shyest and most timid of the bunch . We wanted to take her and one of her tabby brothers , but the policy was cash only and we didn 't have it on us at the time . When we called the next day , the tabby we wanted had been adopted . I didn 't want to leave the all black brother by himself , because sadly , the black kitties just don 't get taken home as readily . So we took both of the black kitties , which actually thrilled me to no end , because I love black kitties . They 've been in our house all of 22 hours so far . I 'm about to go into a diabetic coma . I 'm so glad we took one of her brothers , because the little girl would be so lost by herself . As it is now , she 's coming out of her shell more and more . They were both sleeping under the coffee table , out in the open and not hiding under the bed . This is a great sign . They are 13 weeks old , already spayed and neutered , microchipped . They look to be in very good health , they had just arrived from the foster home an hour before we saw them in the store for the first time . It is so nice of them to let us stay in2it 2013 - 07 - 21 12 : 21 : 43 PM 1 vote : John Buck 41 : Jazzy , never far away from either of us . Here making sure Mrs . Bucks chair doesn 't blow off the dock . [ farm4 . staticflickr . com image 500x375 ] She didn 't want to wait on shore while Mom was out in the kayak . [ farm8 . staticflickr . com image 500x375 ] Fiona will not leave my side if it is raining . So much so that she followed me into the shower . I don 't get dog logic . My daughter came out to visit and laughed so hard at this . 1 vote : tigerose : Good Meowning ! Wow ! I slept like a cat last night ! Eli was out on the front porch when I got up this morning . Now he is on the hassock , curled by my toes . So nice to start my day this way ! You guys were busy last night ! And funny as well . I nearly spilled my coffee . . . horrors ! : ) Not the coffee ! ! ! My mom is getting ready for her vacation and will be leaving for the airport in a few hours , so I 'll be in and outta here for a while . Gotta go to the store for a buncha dollahs and then find the phone number for the male strippers . ; - p 1 vote : AlienDandelion : Real Women Drink Akvavit : catmandu : in2it : In my last post with Cat Women and Batman , look at all the famous cats : ) When I first looked it was a cute cartoon , then Simon 's Cat caught my eye and I took a closer look . I identified most of the cats . I zeroed in on Bill the Cat right away . Bloom County was my favorite comic strip in like forever . I even still have my Bill the Cat plushie . Now that Bloom County is gone , I like Get Fuzzy , of course . Bucky is my cartoon kitteh fave with the crazy and the crafty and the thinly veiled ( if veiled at all ) insults . [ tolkiengateway . net image 725x377 ] I agree . Bucky is one of my favorites too : ) As well as the man behind http : / / theoatmeal . com / oh and cyanide and happiness because they have a twisted sense of humour like me muwahhh ahhhhaI been meaning to pick up The Oatmeal 's book about how to tell if your cat is trying to kill you , but I can 't do that until I either ( 1 ) get a new bookshelf as I 've no room for all the books I have now or ( 2 ) get rid of some books . I 'll never do ( 2 ) so I 'm going to rearrange furniture this week so I can do ( 1 ) next month . Also : Cracked me up . Also , emailed it to my mother ( who yes , was in the next room , but emailing is still easier ) 1 vote : Okay , I have to go for tonight . Hey QJ ! Please tell Oscar that I am having a bologna sammich tonight for dinner in his honor ! Plus , it just sounded good . HUGS to all ! ! ! : D 1 vote : lilyspad : in2it : [ i . imgur . com image 620x854 ] Dammit in2it ! I was just going to post that ! ! ! ! You beat me to it ! ! : DSorry just hitting it a little too hard : ) 1 vote : lilyspad : Lots of really great posts today ! Took me a bit to catch up . Hey QJ ! When do we get to see pics of Oscar ? ? I think I read somewhere along the line that you have a camera with lots of megapickles ? ? ? * hint * : D 1 vote : Some things you just can 't explain , and wouldn 't want to even if you could . QJ made this adorable LOL of my favourite picture of Sarah a long time ago : I keep one copy of this lol in my lolcats folder on my computer . It is the source folder for my computer 's screen saver . The screen saver randomly chooses a few dozen lols at a time to cycle through , out of nearly 3000 in the whole folder . Somehow , this one shows up in the rotation almost every single time ! It 's as if she 's out there somewhere , making sure we see it a lot since she knows we like it so much . It always makes us smile . I know it 's weird , but I thought you guys would get a kick out of it . : ) 1 vote : neurofunkin : Some recent shelter additions : Itty bitty litter of 6 that came in . [ i322 . photobucket . com image 450x600 ] At an adoption event : [ i322 . photobucket . com image 600x450 ] D ' AWWWW ! I so want to hold some babby fur babbies ! I can 't do that , though . I 'd bring one home . I 'm in my 40 's . I don 't need to be tickin ' off my mom at my age ! It 's . . . . awkward . 1 vote : Real Women Drink Akvavit : I 'd still head straight to that beautiful mountain in your pic , though . We could go Squatchin ' in between snowball fights ! YAY ! ! ! My kitteh accomplice ! Let 's go ! I know where they live : - ) 1 vote : Real Women Drink Akvavit : sherpa18 : I was going to ask if you guys got in a brawl over some chicken wings or something . Dragon could totally take you , dude . Specially since you wouldn 't put up much of a fight . ; - p / you 're a good Dragon daddy , Sherpa ! Good jorb ! / yeah , it 's not that tough to tell who is in charge here : o ) 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x427 ] They sure are cute when they 're little ! Is that an opossum ? Or whatever those scary , hideous things are called ? ' Cuz if it is , well played , Mother Nature . That would totally trick me into trying to cuddle it . sherpa18 : lilyspad : I agree . . . and he looks great ! ! ! You GO Dragon ! ! ! ♥ Thanks . / yes people , i am aware that i need to vacuum / / and that is just food on his nose from licking his meds out of cat food cans [ i415 . photobucket . com image 640x564 ] I was going to ask if you guys got in a brawl over some chicken wings or something . Dragon could totally take you , dude . Specially since you wouldn 't put up much of a fight . ; - p / you 're a good Dragon daddy , Sherpa ! Good jorb ! 1 vote : lilyspad : sherpa18 : You sure are up early today ! : DLike I had a freaking choice ? : o ) sherpa18 2013 - 07 - 20 08 : 31 : 48 AM 1 vote : ArmednHammered : sherpa18 : ArmednHammered : the three seashells ! I still haven 't figured out that joke . / i guess it 's back to the litter box with you ! I 'll take a litter box over seashells any day ! That shait looks painful ! ; - ) Yeah , just wait until that chili you made last night starts working . . . . 1 vote : Dezilith : I 'm going to be ostracized for a week . The GoGo Beastie reacts that way every month when I put the flea stuff on her . Except feeding times , of course . I 'm trying to HELP , silly Go ! She hates the smell though , and runs at the sight of the little tube . Heh . 1 vote : / fast fun fact - I used to work security for a local club about once a week when they had heavy metal shows and " fetish events " / / easiest . job . EVER 1 vote : I looked high . . . I looked low . . . . and couldn 't find Jazz . . . ( 4yr old Russian Blue ) Yanno , the ' Plump One ' . . . Brunhilda . . . . aka ( as Q _ J once captioned her . . . . Goodyear . Miss * I ain 't afraid of you . . . I 'll kick yer azz * This one . . . Well . . . on the first day here . . . . after a room - to - room search & 25 mins later , I find her . . . . guess where ! ! ! . . . . . . And when I gently picked her up , and cuddled & murmured to her . . . I was ever so grateful that it was a brand new , unused , litterbox . I 'm very , very glad that she is comfortable enough to lay around the house " belly - up " . 1 vote : lilyspad : I had some the DUMBEST customers this week . . . . . makes you wonder how they survived to adulthood . Seriously . yobbery 2013 - 07 - 19 11 : 15 : 38 PM 1 vote : ArmednHammered : sherpa18 : ArmednHammered : the three seashells ! I still haven 't figured out that joke . [ i415 . photobucket . com image 305x450 ] / i guess it 's back to the litter box with you ! I 'll take a litter box over seashells any day ! That shait looks painful ! ; - ) 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 199x640 ] This is too funny . Well , at least to ME , anyway . I 'm twisted , in case y ' all haven 't figured that out yet . : D * high five * / I lol 'd , too 1 vote : OlderGuy : sherpa18 : gremlin1 : another hot , muggy day . 88 feels like 95 and humid . Is that all ? When I checked my balcony thermometer an hour or so ago , it was still 101 ° : o ( [ i415 . photobucket . com image 500x375 ] Was 97 here today . . had planned to hit Busch Gardens tomorrow . . forecast of 96 + possible TStorms . . will reschedule for another weekend . . . humidity yesterday was so bad you could see it . . . . . . We 've been in the 90 's with oppressive humidity for a few days . A front just moved through about 2 hours ago and temps are now in the mid 70 's . Still humid but It feels great . 1 vote : professional _ vampire : Hi , everyone ! Holy Ceiling Cat , it 's hot ! Wait a second - if I remember correctly , you have a pool , don 't you ? I guess the rest of us will just have to improvise : o ) * runs off to look up p _ v 's address * 1 vote : gremlin1 : another hot , muggy day . 88 feels like 95 and humid . Is that all ? When I checked my balcony thermometer an hour or so ago , it was still 101 ° : o ( 1 vote : predle : This is me trying to figure out Windows 8 . About the only thing I 've been able to figure out is how to post to Caturday . There is an add - on available that will restore your start / menu button so that you can find stuff . As I don 't use 8 myself , I have no experience with it , but I have heard good things about it . 1 vote : Real Women Drink Akvavit : The Ice Queen : Cosmo tripped me when I got home so I 'm all black and blue . GoGo Beastie only does that when I 'm at least halfway up the stairs . Any less and it is no longer a proper homicide attempt , I guess . You OK ' cept the lovely new color accessories ? [ assets . dogtime . com image 400x327 ] Why is it they will race you up the steps but never down ? Biscuit and Nate ( especially Biscuit ) must ALWAYS be the first to the top of the stairs . It wouldn 't be so bad if they didn 't give you a head start . 1 vote : Thank you , Sherpa . * sits in box * YAY ! ! ! Spinnyr , Koa is a handsome kitteh and no , I do not think he wants to share either . I 've always like Abyssinians . He 's got some neat coloring . Most of the Abs I 've seen around here are the Ruddy variety . 1 vote : Been a really long week in the basement of Mordor . Told the boss I 'd had enough for a week and left at 2 : 00 . Went out and found some of the " Farking Wheaton w00tstout " made by Drew , Wil Wheaton and Greg Koch of Stone Brewery . I have to say , it 's pretty damn tasty . It 's dark , thick , hasn 't been hopped to death and best of all it 's 13 % alcohol , what 's not to like ? I grabbed three of the 24 Oz . bottles and I don 't expect them to last the night . ; - ) It 's good enough that I 'll buy a case if my local store has one available . / not a paid spokesman etc . etc . Please excuse me while I go whip up some chili for dinner so I can do the following later . . . . 1 vote : Thank you , ArmednHammered . I actually went through most of the grieving process before she died , which was actually one of the harder parts of it because when I realized that 's what I was doing , I felt incredibly guilty . I have no idea why , but I did . At this point there really is just trying to remember what " normal " life is like again . After over 10 years of caring for her , about half of those on each end of it being full - time , hands on type care , that 's going to be hard to remember how to do . We 'll get there , though . 1 vote : catmandu : in2it : In my last post with Cat Women and Batman , look at all the famous cats : ) When I first looked it was a cute cartoon , then Simon 's Cat caught my eye and I took a closer look . I identified most of the cats . I zeroed in on Bill the Cat right away . Bloom County was my favorite comic strip in like forever . I even still have my Bill the Cat plushie . Now that Bloom County is gone , I like Get Fuzzy , of course . Bucky is my cartoon kitteh fave with the crazy and the crafty and the thinly veiled ( if veiled at all ) insults . 1 vote : I hate to even say it , cuz I don 't want to be the Caturday bummer , but I know some of you guys pay attention and will wonder . My Grandma died Tuesday morning at 11 : 25 . She couldn 't talk or move , but she could hear us and would make faces or noises to respond a bit , so we made sure at least one of us was with her at all times , so she wouldn 't be alone and scared . I had just finished my turn for a 2 hour nap and went to go sit with her so my mom could get a nap . I sat next to her , told her I loved her for probably the eleventybillionth time while I was sitting there holding her hand , she responded a little bit , took a few more breaths and died . Please do not get bummed out or think " omg ! what do I say ? " ( like I do ) or hesitate to have fun and raise the basement ! I like fun , I am fine , will be fine and we knew this was coming . We are sad and a bit lost , but the last few years were hard , the last couple weeks nightmarish . She actually told me about a week before she died " I 'd leave but you won 't let me go " . Mom and I both told her that when she wanted to go , it was OK , that we 'd be sad , but we 'd understand and we 'd be OK . We are OK for the most part , just not really sure what to do with ourselves and very sad , but at the same time we are happy that her suffering is over . Mom is going on her scheduled vacation Sunday still , because she needs it badly , and we 'll figure out who is going to take her and grandpa 's ashes back to Norway when we get them back . So , on with life , best we can . Thank you to my Caturday family and all the other Farkers who have given me tons of support , lots of hugs and ear skritches for teh kittehs and pics of things to make me smile . My grandma loved you guize too , even if she didn 't understand most of it . lol ! Now , on wit teh kritter pics ! 1 vote : " And then . . . . And then they take silly pictures of you and put words on the pictures to make it look like you 're saying ridiculous things that you 'd never really say ! " Happee Caturday everybuddee ! About time too . : ) 1 vote : My brother sent me a picture today of three gray cats who showed up to camp out on his daughters ' playskool table on the patio : Only one of them belong to him . He 's not sure why the other two were there , but he called it a " puddle of gray fur . " Said they spent most of the day sleeping . A reporter grew a set of brass balls during the press briefing , the healthcare bill is in serious jeopardy , and the new FBI Director nominee was officially covfefed . This is YOUR Rachel Maddow Show thread . ( 9 : 00 EDT on MSNBC ) ( msnbc . com ) » ( 486 comments ) Not news : Catcher is knocked over by warm - up pitch from pitcher . News : Catcher plays for the Royals . Fark : Pitcher is a female softball champion , throwing underhand ( ftw . usatoday . com ) » ( 3 comments )

FARK . com : ( 7849197 ) The Rescue : A True Story . Starring one tiny adorable kitten trapped in a burning home , and one incredibly heroic Fireman with a helmet - cam . Coming to theaters , just in time for Caturday Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark Politics The Rescue : A True Story . Starring one tiny adorable kitten trapped in a burning home , and one incredibly heroic Fireman with a helmet - cam . Coming to theaters , just in time for Caturday ( mashable . com ) 3 votes : Spinnyr : The " Beauty - Butt " , Luscious . . . Her eyes are light - light blue , and sometimes - - - don 't know why - - - they turn really red . Technically , because the light of the flash occurs too fast for the pupil to close , much of the very bright light from the flash passes into the eye through the pupil , reflects off the fundus at the back of the eyeball and out through the pupil . The camera records this reflected light . The main cause of the red color is the ample amount of blood in the choroid which nourishes the back of the eye and is located behind the retina . The blood in the retinal circulation is far less than in the choroid , and plays virtually no role . The eye contains several photostable pigments that all absorb in the short wavelength region , and hence contribute somewhat to the red eye effect . Because all white cats are basically furry little terminators . 2 votes : Another Dog Pic - - the one I tried to fwd to Select Folk yesterday & was told nothing was there . Marci Swann , wife of barbershopper Gregg ( they live in WV ) who 's back on the Events Team as Plumbicon is , sent me this on July 2 . They care for a dog whose name & breed I forget . spinach gunk , tnx for bringing Sarah back to mind . Think you said she was such a good girl . Also tnx yobbery for fresh Biscuit & others pix , also to remember lurvly Alice . Is that Biscuit in the . gif shaking himself enthusiastically ? Sure looks like it could be - - 2 votes : Hai Biscuit ! * waves back * I 'm so jealous of you guize with the photophiliac kittehs . GoGo Beastie RUNS and would put a hole in a door to get away if she had to when she just sees my camera . Not that I 've figured out how to use the obviously - smarter - than - me thing , or I 'd have pictures of our skwerls and tons of food porn . * sigh * Some things I 'm good at , a lot of things I 'm not so good at , and that camera falls in the " not so good at " category . 2 votes : The Ice Queen : Cosmo tripped me when I got home so I 'm all black and blue . GoGo Beastie only does that when I 'm at least halfway up the stairs . Any less and it is no longer a proper homicide attempt , I guess . You OK ' cept the lovely new color accessories ? 1 vote : lilyspad : Real Women Drink Akvavit : I 'll have to dig some up some day . I 'm sure mom has some around here somewhere . Please do ! ! : DI 'll ask her when she gets back from her trip where they 're hidden . I don 't think any of them have been scanned or anything yet . 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 567x500 ] I hope nobody is offended by this . . . . I just thought it was funny . That 's a classic ! Not offended over here . My panties are not even in a twist - and yes , I 'm actually wearing some ! / nmc , nmc , nmu 1 vote : I 'm going to check out early . I have to get back to the rat race in the morning ( . . . and end of vacation depression blows goats . ) Have a great week everyone . See you on Thursday . 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x478 ] Hai ! Broke out of work early . . . it 's even too hot for customers , apparently ! So , you guize are stuck with me for some extra time today ! I can smell your joy . Or maybe , that 's just QJ 's hushpuppies ! ! ! : DHe 's got back up now in the form of his MOM ! However , I am proud of him for being so generous with the sharing of the hushpuppies . 1 vote : lilyspad : Ha ! Looks like we both had the same thoughts on the heat ! ! ! ! : DI 'm so glad the heat is settling down . Being on foot for my commute it sucks to arrive at work in the morning all hot and sweaty , even if it is before 7AM and only a 20 min walk ! lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x429 ] 1 vote : AARRRRGH ! ! Stupid friggin county library computers ! Fourth time I 've tried to post before system locks up from all the damn local trash playing yahoo games online ! Anywhooos , Happy Caturday ! Sorry I 'm late , spent the weekend at my place with whiskey between two AC units . Or was that with AC between two whiskey units ? Kind of hazy at this point . . . ALIEN ! Good to see you still posting . Please don 't give up , just keep on rolling and keep us appraised of your situation . My offer of paypal is still out there , let me have a contact email so I can send a little . I 'm not pushing charity , I just feel like crap that you are in such horrible dire straits and I 'm unable to help you ! ! And now , some cats . Asbestos lining sold seperately . . . 1 vote : lilyspad : akimbotoo : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x415 ] Okay , I am OFFICIALLY done with this heat ! Holy cow ! It 's 98 right now . . . again . Supposed to be in the upper 90 's for another week . I 'm gonna snap , I tell ya ! ! ! ! If you guize read about some crazy middle - aged woman running naked through the neighbors sprinklers while drinking beer , start collecting bail money ! : DI 'll bring a camera too ! : DOr video . . . . . : D You 're twisted , I like that ! ! ! Hahaha ! ! ! You have that right ! I would probably bring the Flip too so we could have Youtube - ready videos ! We had old friends visit us earlier this week and I think I shocked him a little with my sense of humor . I told them the story about when I had the metal plate & screws removed from my ankle after my fracture adventure . I was disappointed that the surgeon wouldn 't let me watch the operation . I had a spinal anesthetic instead of the general anesthetic and got a bit bored after a while because I couldn 't tell how many screws were still left to be removed . It seemed like it was taking forever ! I asked him to make them " plink " in the bowl like in the cowboy movies so I could tell how far along he was . Everyone laughed , but he did it for me ! 1 vote : lilyspad : yobbery : How to drive your cat apeshiat crazy Bwahahaha ! ! ! ! I see a disco light in Lily 's future ! ! ! ! ! : DDoooo eeeeet ! ! ! / don 't forget the tunes : o ) 1 vote : tigerose : yobbery : tigerose : OlderGuy : tigerose : Hello ! I could not find Eli for a while today . And no one remembered if he was in or out . Turns out he was in the attic ! Good thing today was not so hot as it haz been ! Geez I think that cat needs a locator appMicrochip with GPS : o ) Hmmmm ! I am thinking of hazing him chipped . The local petsupply place does them for 10 bucks ? Worth every penny in case he gets lost or picked up . Do they have a veterinary clinic there ? Won 't help much for attic trappings though . You may want to get him an iPhone if he keeps insisting on going up there . [ www . smugmug . com image 300x169 ] if I have to get the data plan , he will have to settle for Meowers Code . . . 1 vote : lilyspad : yobbery : How to drive your cat apeshiat crazy [ www . smugmug . com image 500x500 ] Bwahahaha ! ! ! ! I see a disco light in Lily 's future ! ! ! ! ! : DThat would be cruel ! / Make sure you get a video : o ) 1 vote : tigerose : OlderGuy : tigerose : Hello ! I could not find Eli for a while today . And no one remembered if he was in or out . Turns out he was in the attic ! Good thing today was not so hot as it haz been ! Geez I think that cat needs a locator appMicrochip with GPS : o ) Hmmmm ! I am thinking of hazing him chipped . The local petsupply place does them for 10 bucks ? Worth every penny in case he gets lost or picked up . Do they have a veterinary clinic there ? Won 't help much for attic trappings though . You may want to get him an iPhone if he keeps insisting on going up there . 1 vote : Mrs CDK : Been busy this weekend but wanted to pop in to say hi . . . [ i384 . photobucket . com image 500x375 ] * waves * Hai ! Busy over here , too . Trying to do a Super Secret Lair of Infinite Doom project ( rearranging my room ) , cleaning Grandma 's room out at least part way so Mom doesn 't have to dig through the medical stuff , just the happy memories and also building a couple sets of shelves and rearranging the garage - all while my Mom is on vacation . So , she should have the best vacation and return from vacation EVER , all things considered . 1 vote : Hello , everybody . been a busy summer around the infinity household . i 've been behind on every one of my leisurely pursuits , including caturdays . However , I feel I would be terribly remiss if I didn 't make a small announcement while the thread was still open . We have been looking for some furkids to adopt for about a month now . We wanted to get 2 , so they could keep each other company . Without trying to be too picky about breed , color , etc . The important part was personality and sociability with other animals . We also wanted fairly close to same age or litter mates if possible . Our source is the local humane society . We made a few visits and fell for a pair of kittens , a brother and sister , only to find they had just been taken that day . But there were more kittens at a local pet store in an adoption partnership with the humane society being the beneficiary . There were 2 tabbies and 2 all black kitties , the one girl kitty was one of the all black ones . She was also the shyest and most timid of the bunch . We wanted to take her and one of her tabby brothers , but the policy was cash only and we didn 't have it on us at the time . When we called the next day , the tabby we wanted had been adopted . I didn 't want to leave the all black brother by himself , because sadly , the black kitties just don 't get taken home as readily . So we took both of the black kitties , which actually thrilled me to no end , because I love black kitties . They 've been in our house all of 22 hours so far . I 'm about to go into a diabetic coma . I 'm so glad we took one of her brothers , because the little girl would be so lost by herself . As it is now , she 's coming out of her shell more and more . They were both sleeping under the coffee table , out in the open and not hiding under the bed . This is a great sign . They are 13 weeks old , already spayed and neutered , microchipped . They look to be in very good health , they had just arrived from the foster home an hour before we saw them in the store for the first time . It is so nice of them to let us stay in2it 2013 - 07 - 21 12 : 21 : 43 PM 1 vote : John Buck 41 : Jazzy , never far away from either of us . Here making sure Mrs . Bucks chair doesn 't blow off the dock . [ farm4 . staticflickr . com image 500x375 ] She didn 't want to wait on shore while Mom was out in the kayak . [ farm8 . staticflickr . com image 500x375 ] Fiona will not leave my side if it is raining . So much so that she followed me into the shower . I don 't get dog logic . My daughter came out to visit and laughed so hard at this . 1 vote : tigerose : Good Meowning ! Wow ! I slept like a cat last night ! Eli was out on the front porch when I got up this morning . Now he is on the hassock , curled by my toes . So nice to start my day this way ! You guys were busy last night ! And funny as well . I nearly spilled my coffee . . . horrors ! : ) Not the coffee ! ! ! My mom is getting ready for her vacation and will be leaving for the airport in a few hours , so I 'll be in and outta here for a while . Gotta go to the store for a buncha dollahs and then find the phone number for the male strippers . ; - p 1 vote : AlienDandelion : Real Women Drink Akvavit : catmandu : in2it : In my last post with Cat Women and Batman , look at all the famous cats : ) When I first looked it was a cute cartoon , then Simon 's Cat caught my eye and I took a closer look . I identified most of the cats . I zeroed in on Bill the Cat right away . Bloom County was my favorite comic strip in like forever . I even still have my Bill the Cat plushie . Now that Bloom County is gone , I like Get Fuzzy , of course . Bucky is my cartoon kitteh fave with the crazy and the crafty and the thinly veiled ( if veiled at all ) insults . [ tolkiengateway . net image 725x377 ] I agree . Bucky is one of my favorites too : ) As well as the man behind http : / / theoatmeal . com / oh and cyanide and happiness because they have a twisted sense of humour like me muwahhh ahhhhaI been meaning to pick up The Oatmeal 's book about how to tell if your cat is trying to kill you , but I can 't do that until I either ( 1 ) get a new bookshelf as I 've no room for all the books I have now or ( 2 ) get rid of some books . I 'll never do ( 2 ) so I 'm going to rearrange furniture this week so I can do ( 1 ) next month . Also : Cracked me up . Also , emailed it to my mother ( who yes , was in the next room , but emailing is still easier ) 1 vote : Okay , I have to go for tonight . Hey QJ ! Please tell Oscar that I am having a bologna sammich tonight for dinner in his honor ! Plus , it just sounded good . HUGS to all ! ! ! : D 1 vote : lilyspad : in2it : [ i . imgur . com image 620x854 ] Dammit in2it ! I was just going to post that ! ! ! ! You beat me to it ! ! : DSorry just hitting it a little too hard : ) 1 vote : lilyspad : Lots of really great posts today ! Took me a bit to catch up . Hey QJ ! When do we get to see pics of Oscar ? ? I think I read somewhere along the line that you have a camera with lots of megapickles ? ? ? * hint * : D 1 vote : Some things you just can 't explain , and wouldn 't want to even if you could . QJ made this adorable LOL of my favourite picture of Sarah a long time ago : I keep one copy of this lol in my lolcats folder on my computer . It is the source folder for my computer 's screen saver . The screen saver randomly chooses a few dozen lols at a time to cycle through , out of nearly 3000 in the whole folder . Somehow , this one shows up in the rotation almost every single time ! It 's as if she 's out there somewhere , making sure we see it a lot since she knows we like it so much . It always makes us smile . I know it 's weird , but I thought you guys would get a kick out of it . : ) 1 vote : neurofunkin : Some recent shelter additions : Itty bitty litter of 6 that came in . [ i322 . photobucket . com image 450x600 ] At an adoption event : [ i322 . photobucket . com image 600x450 ] D ' AWWWW ! I so want to hold some babby fur babbies ! I can 't do that , though . I 'd bring one home . I 'm in my 40 's . I don 't need to be tickin ' off my mom at my age ! It 's . . . . awkward . 1 vote : Real Women Drink Akvavit : I 'd still head straight to that beautiful mountain in your pic , though . We could go Squatchin ' in between snowball fights ! YAY ! ! ! My kitteh accomplice ! Let 's go ! I know where they live : - ) 1 vote : Real Women Drink Akvavit : sherpa18 : I was going to ask if you guys got in a brawl over some chicken wings or something . Dragon could totally take you , dude . Specially since you wouldn 't put up much of a fight . ; - p / you 're a good Dragon daddy , Sherpa ! Good jorb ! / yeah , it 's not that tough to tell who is in charge here : o ) 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 640x427 ] They sure are cute when they 're little ! Is that an opossum ? Or whatever those scary , hideous things are called ? ' Cuz if it is , well played , Mother Nature . That would totally trick me into trying to cuddle it . sherpa18 : lilyspad : I agree . . . and he looks great ! ! ! You GO Dragon ! ! ! ♥ Thanks . / yes people , i am aware that i need to vacuum / / and that is just food on his nose from licking his meds out of cat food cans [ i415 . photobucket . com image 640x564 ] I was going to ask if you guys got in a brawl over some chicken wings or something . Dragon could totally take you , dude . Specially since you wouldn 't put up much of a fight . ; - p / you 're a good Dragon daddy , Sherpa ! Good jorb ! 1 vote : lilyspad : sherpa18 : You sure are up early today ! : DLike I had a freaking choice ? : o ) sherpa18 2013 - 07 - 20 08 : 31 : 48 AM 1 vote : ArmednHammered : sherpa18 : ArmednHammered : the three seashells ! I still haven 't figured out that joke . / i guess it 's back to the litter box with you ! I 'll take a litter box over seashells any day ! That shait looks painful ! ; - ) Yeah , just wait until that chili you made last night starts working . . . . 1 vote : Dezilith : I 'm going to be ostracized for a week . The GoGo Beastie reacts that way every month when I put the flea stuff on her . Except feeding times , of course . I 'm trying to HELP , silly Go ! She hates the smell though , and runs at the sight of the little tube . Heh . 1 vote : / fast fun fact - I used to work security for a local club about once a week when they had heavy metal shows and " fetish events " / / easiest . job . EVER 1 vote : I looked high . . . I looked low . . . . and couldn 't find Jazz . . . ( 4yr old Russian Blue ) Yanno , the ' Plump One ' . . . Brunhilda . . . . aka ( as Q _ J once captioned her . . . . Goodyear . Miss * I ain 't afraid of you . . . I 'll kick yer azz * This one . . . Well . . . on the first day here . . . . after a room - to - room search & 25 mins later , I find her . . . . guess where ! ! ! . . . . . . And when I gently picked her up , and cuddled & murmured to her . . . I was ever so grateful that it was a brand new , unused , litterbox . I 'm very , very glad that she is comfortable enough to lay around the house " belly - up " . 1 vote : lilyspad : I had some the DUMBEST customers this week . . . . . makes you wonder how they survived to adulthood . Seriously . yobbery 2013 - 07 - 19 11 : 15 : 38 PM 1 vote : ArmednHammered : sherpa18 : ArmednHammered : the three seashells ! I still haven 't figured out that joke . [ i415 . photobucket . com image 305x450 ] / i guess it 's back to the litter box with you ! I 'll take a litter box over seashells any day ! That shait looks painful ! ; - ) 1 vote : lilyspad : [ i . imgur . com image 199x640 ] This is too funny . Well , at least to ME , anyway . I 'm twisted , in case y ' all haven 't figured that out yet . : D * high five * / I lol 'd , too 1 vote : OlderGuy : sherpa18 : gremlin1 : another hot , muggy day . 88 feels like 95 and humid . Is that all ? When I checked my balcony thermometer an hour or so ago , it was still 101 ° : o ( [ i415 . photobucket . com image 500x375 ] Was 97 here today . . had planned to hit Busch Gardens tomorrow . . forecast of 96 + possible TStorms . . will reschedule for another weekend . . . humidity yesterday was so bad you could see it . . . . . . We 've been in the 90 's with oppressive humidity for a few days . A front just moved through about 2 hours ago and temps are now in the mid 70 's . Still humid but It feels great . 1 vote : professional _ vampire : Hi , everyone ! Holy Ceiling Cat , it 's hot ! Wait a second - if I remember correctly , you have a pool , don 't you ? I guess the rest of us will just have to improvise : o ) * runs off to look up p _ v 's address * 1 vote : gremlin1 : another hot , muggy day . 88 feels like 95 and humid . Is that all ? When I checked my balcony thermometer an hour or so ago , it was still 101 ° : o ( 1 vote : predle : This is me trying to figure out Windows 8 . About the only thing I 've been able to figure out is how to post to Caturday . There is an add - on available that will restore your start / menu button so that you can find stuff . As I don 't use 8 myself , I have no experience with it , but I have heard good things about it . 1 vote : Real Women Drink Akvavit : The Ice Queen : Cosmo tripped me when I got home so I 'm all black and blue . GoGo Beastie only does that when I 'm at least halfway up the stairs . Any less and it is no longer a proper homicide attempt , I guess . You OK ' cept the lovely new color accessories ? [ assets . dogtime . com image 400x327 ] Why is it they will race you up the steps but never down ? Biscuit and Nate ( especially Biscuit ) must ALWAYS be the first to the top of the stairs . It wouldn 't be so bad if they didn 't give you a head start . 1 vote : Thank you , Sherpa . * sits in box * YAY ! ! ! Spinnyr , Koa is a handsome kitteh and no , I do not think he wants to share either . I 've always like Abyssinians . He 's got some neat coloring . Most of the Abs I 've seen around here are the Ruddy variety . 1 vote : Been a really long week in the basement of Mordor . Told the boss I 'd had enough for a week and left at 2 : 00 . Went out and found some of the " Farking Wheaton w00tstout " made by Drew , Wil Wheaton and Greg Koch of Stone Brewery . I have to say , it 's pretty damn tasty . It 's dark , thick , hasn 't been hopped to death and best of all it 's 13 % alcohol , what 's not to like ? I grabbed three of the 24 Oz . bottles and I don 't expect them to last the night . ; - ) It 's good enough that I 'll buy a case if my local store has one available . / not a paid spokesman etc . etc . Please excuse me while I go whip up some chili for dinner so I can do the following later . . . . 1 vote : Thank you , ArmednHammered . I actually went through most of the grieving process before she died , which was actually one of the harder parts of it because when I realized that 's what I was doing , I felt incredibly guilty . I have no idea why , but I did . At this point there really is just trying to remember what " normal " life is like again . After over 10 years of caring for her , about half of those on each end of it being full - time , hands on type care , that 's going to be hard to remember how to do . We 'll get there , though . 1 vote : catmandu : in2it : In my last post with Cat Women and Batman , look at all the famous cats : ) When I first looked it was a cute cartoon , then Simon 's Cat caught my eye and I took a closer look . I identified most of the cats . I zeroed in on Bill the Cat right away . Bloom County was my favorite comic strip in like forever . I even still have my Bill the Cat plushie . Now that Bloom County is gone , I like Get Fuzzy , of course . Bucky is my cartoon kitteh fave with the crazy and the crafty and the thinly veiled ( if veiled at all ) insults . 1 vote : I hate to even say it , cuz I don 't want to be the Caturday bummer , but I know some of you guys pay attention and will wonder . My Grandma died Tuesday morning at 11 : 25 . She couldn 't talk or move , but she could hear us and would make faces or noises to respond a bit , so we made sure at least one of us was with her at all times , so she wouldn 't be alone and scared . I had just finished my turn for a 2 hour nap and went to go sit with her so my mom could get a nap . I sat next to her , told her I loved her for probably the eleventybillionth time while I was sitting there holding her hand , she responded a little bit , took a few more breaths and died . Please do not get bummed out or think " omg ! what do I say ? " ( like I do ) or hesitate to have fun and raise the basement ! I like fun , I am fine , will be fine and we knew this was coming . We are sad and a bit lost , but the last few years were hard , the last couple weeks nightmarish . She actually told me about a week before she died " I 'd leave but you won 't let me go " . Mom and I both told her that when she wanted to go , it was OK , that we 'd be sad , but we 'd understand and we 'd be OK . We are OK for the most part , just not really sure what to do with ourselves and very sad , but at the same time we are happy that her suffering is over . Mom is going on her scheduled vacation Sunday still , because she needs it badly , and we 'll figure out who is going to take her and grandpa 's ashes back to Norway when we get them back . So , on with life , best we can . Thank you to my Caturday family and all the other Farkers who have given me tons of support , lots of hugs and ear skritches for teh kittehs and pics of things to make me smile . My grandma loved you guize too , even if she didn 't understand most of it . lol ! Now , on wit teh kritter pics ! 1 vote : " And then . . . . And then they take silly pictures of you and put words on the pictures to make it look like you 're saying ridiculous things that you 'd never really say ! " Happee Caturday everybuddee ! About time too . : ) 1 vote : My brother sent me a picture today of three gray cats who showed up to camp out on his daughters ' playskool table on the patio : Only one of them belong to him . He 's not sure why the other two were there , but he called it a " puddle of gray fur . " Said they spent most of the day sleeping . A reporter grew a set of brass balls during the press briefing , the healthcare bill is in serious jeopardy , and the new FBI Director nominee was officially covfefed . This is YOUR Rachel Maddow Show thread . ( 9 : 00 EDT on MSNBC ) ( msnbc . com ) » ( 486 comments ) Not news : Catcher is knocked over by warm - up pitch from pitcher . News : Catcher plays for the Royals . Fark : Pitcher is a female softball champion , throwing underhand ( ftw . usatoday . com ) » ( 3 comments )

Wow . It makes me feel so happy to be loved by some of my scrappy friends . I 've been nominated 3 times - twice over the past day , and once forever ago by my dear friend Robyn . I just forgot to add my award to my blog back when , cause I got it when we were all so sick and then I sorta spaced . I 'm such a dork . So anyhow , THANK YOU sweet girls in my life , that I just love . Thank you to my sistah , Robyn W . , my buddy Sheryl from KT and the ever so lovely Jen Gallacher for my most recent awards . I promise I 'm adding them to my blog today ! : 0 ) So here are the rules of receiving this award . The rules of this award state : ( 1 ) The winner can put the logo on their blog . ( 2 ) Link the person you received your award from . ( 3 ) Nominate at least 7 other blogs . ( 4 ) Put links of those on yours . ( 5 ) Leave a message on the blogs of the girls or boys you 've nominated . I 'm not entirely sure if my nominees have already received awards , but I 'd like to nominate them anyway . Michelle - My sister ! Love you , and thanks for the fun yesterday . Sorry I was in such a dumpy mood . Men . . . . . Jana - My other sister ! I know you were nominated by Sheryl as well , but I just love reading your blog , so of course I have to award you as well . Again , thanks for hanging out with me yesterday even though I had the enthusiasm of a slug crawling through a salt bath . Kristen - My awesome neighbor . I love having Kristen as a neighbor . I love that our boys love hanging out together and they don 't even fight ! Well , ususally . And I LOVE her blog . Hee hee . Every time she posts , I 'm guaranteed to be laughing out loud to the point that the kids have to ask " what 's so funny " . Misty - Gosh I just love this girl to pieces ! What a great friend I 've found merely through stumbling across each others blogs . We 've got so much in common it 's a little frightening . We 're both " country gals " ( if you can call nothing but a Smiths , Walmart , one gas station and a Subway living in the country ) , we both have a Tess and and Aaron , our names rhyme and our hubbys both start with " Tr " , on and we ' rPosted by I don 't want to jinx it just incase this is too good to be true , but I dare say Aaron very well could be well on his way to being potty trained . . . . . . FINALLY ! For those of you that know my son or know me , know what a sore spot this has been in my life , particularly recently . I don 't know why I didn 't try this before , but finally decided to try the tactic that we used for Tessa to get potty trained . See it goes a little like this . Aaron loves his juice . Granted I never give him " straight up " . It 's always more of a glass of water with a twist of apple . Enough however , to make him * think * that he hates water . So about a week ago , we told him that until he was willing to start going potty all he would get to drink is water . No milk , no juice , no nothin ' but water . The first two days he grumbled - A LOT . Then a couple of days later he started saying that " water is the best ! " . Then I introduced the 4 boxes of Capri Sun . . . . . . only for him ! Oh the joy ! We 're talking , what ? , 40 or so pouches of delicious juicy water beverage , for no one in the house but him ! RAPTURE ! Oh except there is one catch . You gotta give a pee to get a drink . And this is exactly how Tessa got potty trained . Within 3 days and no accidents EVER I might add . : 0 ) For some reason today , Aaron decided that this was a pretty good deal . We came home from lunch with Tracey and I casually asked him again if he needed to pee . He said " yes , it 's coming " . Of course I start freaking out saying " hold it buddy , hold it ! " . So he grabs his crotch in typical male style and heads for the potty . Sure enough he delivers ! I was so excited I was whooping and hollering and high fiving ! He got his water pouch and I set about making a new potty chart . ( Um , I still don 't know how to use my wide format printer . . . . obviously ) . He picked out a sticker and slapped it on . He was so pleased ! I am so pleased that he has gone with no diaper all afternoon and evening . He nearly tinkled at dinner time , and let out just a squirt before realizing that he needed to go and sit on the pot . He 's gonPosted by Wow . . . . I feel like I 've been scoured off the face of the earth . At least the face of the internet ! Hee hee . What a whirlwind the past 3 days have been . It feels good to actually be sitting here . . . . relaxing . Well if you can call it that . I mean , being bombarded with questions from 3 different children at the same time , trying to keep JM from dumping every last item out of my drawers in here , while trying to think of what I 'm trying to say doesn 't exactly fit into the " day spa " relaxation type category , but at least I am not in the car . And for that I am grateful . Owwwwie ! So the other night I had my first round of laser hair removal . Yeah . So all of those people that say " it really isn 't that bad " , well , they 're smokin ' something . All right , all right . . . . I guess I should clarify . MOST of the time it wasn 't that bad , but let 's just say zapping that ol ' bikin line wasn 't peaches & cream ! And actually there is a tendon in the arm pits that is very close to the surface that hurt like a mutha ! Oh and it was an interesting sensation when they were doing my chin , having the lazer " zing " my teeth . I figure it 's sort of like labor and child birth . Totally worth it in the end . Maybe that 's why everyone that I 've ever talked to about it has always made it sound like a cake walk . . . . cause you just sort of put a mental block on the bad parts and focus on the final result ! Anyhow , I 've got 6 weeks to re - group , wipe out the memories of the pain and start again ! Yipee ! ( Really , it will be so worth it to never shave my pits or my upper legs ever again ! - Or at least the coarse hairs . Unfortunately I 'm stuck with everything blonde ! ) WOW ! What a treat it was yesterday to get a sweet little surprise in the mail from my friend Misty in NM . I 'm utterly stunned at how gorgeous the card she sent me is . I had seen it on her blog , but words can 't even express how beautiful it is in person . My oldest is truly smitten with it as well . However , even better than the card is the great friend that I have ! There isn 't a day that goes by that she doesnPosted by Egads . This is just one of those layouts that could easily convince me to never scrapbook again . Why do you ask ? I had such a lovely vision for this layout in my head , and a somewhat lovely vision sketched out on paper and so I set forth last night to create my " water " page to enter into the State Fair . ( I know , I 'm sort of obsessed with this right now ! ) . So I stayed up late last night working on a page and was just putting the finishing touches on the layout when I decided to clean a stamp that was sitting on my desk . Now why on earth would I clean a stamp . Anyone that knows me , knows that is not my forte . But why on earth would I clean a stamp not to mention WHILE I was working on another project and so late at night ? ! ? ! ? I 'm determined I am adult ADD , cause I get so easily distracted ! So anyway , I start scrubbing away at my stamp , not noticing the entire time that it 's splattering brown poo marks all over my layout . * * sigh * * All I could do was tear it all apart and start over . The plus side is , I really do like how it turned out better than it was last night . I 've got ideas for a couple of more pages , but we 'll see if they happen or not ! Have a splendid day ! I really didn 't think that I would get sad about my choice of not re - applying for the CreativeXpress design team this year . I guess I 'm not really sad about not continuing on , because I realized some time ago that it was the time in my life to let this commitment go . However , as I sit here , knowing that calls are going out this evening for the new design team , it 's just made me reflect on the past three years and what great memories my time at CX has given me . I cannot even begin to express how blessed I am to have been able to work with such a great group of top quality ladies . My life has been so richly blessed because of so many of them . Here 's a little shout out to " my girls " that are retiring with me this year ! Cari . . . my dear sweet Cari . You know I love you to pieces . I only wish that we were next door neighbors cause we 'd have way too much fun together . And our boys ? Oh man . . . that would be trouble . Thank you Cari , for believing in me right from the get go . I 'm so grateful that we 've been able to meet . . . . twice . . . . and well , remember running to meet Lisa B ? Hee hee . . . that will always be a happy memory ! Jen G . Wow . My life is so much better for knowing you . You are such an example to me and a pillar of strength . I so often think of you and your sweet family and the pain that you must all still feel each day with Joey 's absense , yet every time I am with you , you seem so full of hope , peace and happiness . I could not have asked for a better replacement for my place on Nth Degree and I 'm glad that you enjoyed your time there as much as I did . Thank you Jen for blessing my life . Melissa . You are too stinkin ' cute . . . . and SASSY ! You don 't know how many times I nearly spit soda on my computer screen from some of the funny things you say . Your talent is endless and I 've truly loved being able to see you create layouts in addition to your amazing cards . I 'm so blessed to call you my friend . Robyn . . . . SISTAH ! Oh girl . I love you . You are just like that big sister that God never gave me . I can 't help but smile thinking of beingPosted by Oh my , I guess we 're not off to a great start . Tess missed her first day of school today . She had an eye appt . this morning just after 10 : 00 and I didn 't feel like checking her out of school an hour after she started so I just kept her home . We went to her eye appt . , and it didn 't even occur to me that they would need to dialate her eyes . I don 't know why but I 'm quite certain in all of my years of wearing glasses and eye exams I don 't think I 've even been dialated . So she has her eye exam done and sure enough she near sighted - or is it far sighted ? I can never remember . She has the opposite problem that I do . She has a hard time focusing on reading her books , working on the computer , writing , etc . That actually explains a lot as to why she will pick up a book , get frustrated after a few minutes of reading and give up . She thinks she looks pretty cool right now with her eyes all dialated . She looks like an alien ! It was early out Monday today so I decided there was no point in taking her to school to be miserable for an hour . So my alien missed her first day of school . . . . already ! EEEK ! So we 're off to Costco tonight to pick out some frames for her . She 's pretty excited . I just hope the excitement lasts ! You know I 'm a lucky girl . I KNOW that I 'm a lucky girl . Let me tell you WHY I am a lucky girl . I was lucky enough to be given the chance to work with the FRIENDLY FLOWERS stamp set from Unity Stamp Company . I 'll be the first to admit , I 'm not much of a stamper , so all of you stampers out there . . . . LOOK AWAY ! : 0 ) I did something today that I have never in my life done before and that was creating a layout using nothing but stamps . I used two of the stamps in the set to create the background of my layout and then the flower stamp to create my embellishments . I just LOVE that flower stamp . I 'm also excited because I will be entering this layout into the Utah State Fair in the Stamping category . I 've never entered in that category before because I 've never made a layout with nuttin ' but stamps ! Thanks for peeking ! I knew that Aaron was bound to fall asleep at some point today . I just figured that it would be at a more inconvenient time , like on the way to pick up Maddison from school or running an errand later today . Aaron decided that his day needed to start at 4 : 00 this morning . He was awfully chipper at that time of day , grilling me as to when it was going to be Halloween . The kid has totally has Halloween on the brain lately . I think it 's some sort of a love / hate thing . Loves the scary stuff but hates it , yet he can 't seem to pull himself away . Anyhow I popped onto my computer for a little " me " time while Aaron was finishing his lunch . I was in here just giggling my head off from reading this blog link that my cute prego friend Misty had posted on her blog . If you need a giggle here 's the link . Make sure you read the comments too , because they are pretty darn funny ! FIREMAN CAKE STORYI thought things were a little quiet as I was sitting here giggling away and wondered if in fact Aaron had fallen asleep . Sure enough . . . chips mid - chew . . . the kid just couldn 't last another minute ! JM is even asleep . . . . hmmmm . . . I think I 'm gonna scrap ! I figure I deserve a little " me " time , I mean after all . . . I truly scrubed the inside and out of the van this morning AND organized enough junk in the garage that I can officially park in there again . : 0 ) Yeah . I 've worked enough today . I just had to giggle when I read this flyer that was on my door when I got home today . Makes me wish I had some carpet that needs stretching ! Gotta hand it to the kid . . . . what a great marketing strategy ! Oh I just so had to scrap for me today . Yes , I 've got work assignments to do for CX , yes , I 've got to create some more goodies for Outta This Funk , yes , I need to work with some product for a mfg . that I 'd dearly love to be a part of their design team , but wow . . . . sometimes you just gotta scrap for no other reason , than to scrap . Okay , so maybe there was a little extra - cirricular motivation behind this layout which I made for entering into the Utah State Fair in the " automobiles " category . I just love these photos of my little peanut playing with the wheels on the bus . My favorite photo is the photo on the far right . Notice how the wheel is spinning . Love the motion in that one . I sure was stewing about what papers to use , cause my local craft store surely has a lack of boyish purple papers . By some stroke of brilliant luck , I was rifling through some papers that sweet Jen Gallacher gave me the other day and this purple was in there . Thank you Jen . . . . ms . Relief Society President , for being so inspired to slip that purple paper in with the other goodies ! You 're a doll ! Maybe one day I can be as in tune as you are ! ; ) Oh wait , then I may be in contending to be a RS President . Hmmmm . . . maybe I 'll just keep my pinky around the iron rod , and keep sitting in the back row of the cultrual hall in Sacrament Meeting . I mean , hey , we 've been in the ward for 2 years now and have avoided the invitation to speak ! We 're doing SOMETHING right . : 0 ) And of course the title of this layout warraned a trip to Roberts for the purple glitter Thickers . Oh man . If I could have every color and design of Thickers on this planet I 'd look like an absolute goof ball from a perma - grin . I mean seriously . . . . have you seen the new metal Thickers ? The font is A - DOR - A - BLE ! It was all I could do to restrain myself from buying them as well , but alas , my hubby told me to go and spend some money today . . . well this is how it went . K : I really want to go and buy some scrapbook stuffT : How much do you want to spendK : Oh I don 't know . . . maybe $ 5 . I just want to gePosted by No not our new car . Tracey wishes . The new car that we just bought the dentist . That 's right folks ! After a week of non - stop pain for Tracey ( and non - stop grumpiness to deal with on our end ) , I finally convinced Tracey that he needed to go back to the dentist to find out why his mouth was hurting so badly from the new crown that he got last week . Well . . . . . surprise . . . . . nothing was wrong with the crown he got last week . Come to find out the tooth next to it now needs a root canal . Seriously . . . Does it end ? I think maybe I chose the wrong profession of being a stay at home mommy . . . . I mean , if I could have someone buy me one of these cars then life would be peachy ! : 0 ) I know most moms are positively DYING for their kiddos to get back to school after summer break , but I 'm one of the odd balls that really loves having the kids around . Well , let me re - phrase that so that I am not stretching the truth . I was ready for sweet Tess to go back and so was she . I mean , after all , it DID get old listening to how bored Tess was all day long . Or hungry . Yeah . Wont miss that much . And I also have to be honest that I wouldn 't mind if Aaron was going to pre - school this year cause he 's a little high stress right now , but then again . . . this too shall pass . ( Or it had better ! ) But my big girls . . . . my sweet big girls . . . . boy do I miss them already . I guess I don 't miss Sarah as much since she was miss social butterfly and gone half of the summer playing anyway , but my Maddi girl was my buddy . I guess it 's kind of nice having a daughter with no social life , since I don 't have one either . Makes it nice to have a buddy to hang out with . I 'm so proud of her and how well she did at going to school this morning . I 'm not entirely sure what I was expecting , but we had no tears and even a smile on her face when she got out of the van . Maybe the smile was trying to surpress vomiting or something like that . . . . who knows . . . . all I know is that this year was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo much better than last year . Well , I guess I must run . I 'm being instructed to get off the computer by my 3 year old . Maybe that 's saying something like I spend too much time here . Hee hee ! Have a great day everyone ! No , that doesn 't mean crying in a good way either . I don 't know what my deal is lately ( Tracey just loves when I use the word " lately " as if implying I 've felt a particular way for weeks on end ) . I am just exhausted from being a mommy . Gosh I love my kids . I love them dearly , but the truth of the matter is I am spent . Having 5 kids is no cake walk , and I admire all of the families in our ward that have 5 + kids and just seem to do it like it 's a piece of cake . I guess my real struggles right now lie with Aaron and as a result that seems to sap all of my energy from the other kids . Let 's just say he 's not going through a very cooporative / nice stage right now . In fact the kid is down right fiesty ! Last night it all came to a head when I so desperately wanted to go out on a date with Tracey , but alas , due to recent circumstances we just don 't feel like we can leave both Aaron and JM home with the girls for fear of JM 's saftey from his older brother . I think the thought of that just hit me like a ton of bricks , that I don 't know WHEN Tracey and I will get to go out on a semi - regular basis , and it 's just to that point right now when I feel like it 's something we need to focus on . . . . So our date last night consisted of taking Tess , Aaron and JM out to eat . Nice and romantic eh ? We ended up at Jim 's Family Restaurant which seemed to be about our speed since it 's a geriatric hangout . So there we were ready to order and I give the waitress my order and she 's looking at me like I am about ready to give her a heart attack . Why do you ask ? Because I ordered out of turn ! That 's right . Of the four of us ordering , she needed to go in a clockwise order starting with Tracey so that she could " keep things straight " . Hmmm . . . I guess I didn 't realize it would be that difficult to keep track of 2 kids meals and then just call out the other two meals when they arrived . And want to know the funny thing , that after I finished crying because I ordered wrong , actually made me giggle , was the fact that she still got the food in the wrong spots . Posted by So yeah . . . . gotta love when you absolutely PIG out on treats all day long for a party in the evening and weigh yourself the next day thinking that you 've gained a million pounds , and well . . . . you haven 't ! I know I 'm a dork , but I 'm so excited ! It 's so nice to keep seeing progress in my weight loss . I can 't remember how long ago I posted and I was 171 or 172 , but it 's looking like I 'm hanging right around 167 now . I 'll take it ! Only 3 pounds to go to be back to where I when we came home from Germany and only 12 to go to reach my goal ! Oh and there 's a pretty lousy photo of my brown gel toes also ! I had fun tonight with my big girls . We hit the beauty school ( cause I 'm a tightwad ) and went for a little beautification ! Well , the girls got some beautification . . . no . . . they actually dook down right HOT ! I TRIED to get some beautification , but I have come to the realization that I have a parade of bad hair do 's . I just need to shave it off and start over . However , all was not lost . I got me some gel toes ! It 's the first time that I 've ever gotten anything permanent on any of my nails . I feel so " girly " ! I decided to go with the Martha Stewart brown glitter . Honest to goodness . . . yes . . . Martha Stewart craft glitter . . . branching out into the cosmotology world ! I 'm kinda digging the color , since I love brown so much . Just hope I don 't get sick of them before I 'm ready to buff them off or have them filled ! I realize these photos are horrible and I will likely update them with better ones tomorrow . Just had the compelling need to make a post . I 'm sickly addicted to blogging these days . . . . . Okay , the toes will have to wait . Way too much excess glitter going on right now . Need to shower it off tomorrow ! I hafta admit . . . I love my teen ! It kinda freaks me out that I have a teenager , cause well , that makes me somewhat old . Granted I 've got the whole typical Mormon get married young and start a family pretty quick syndrome to back me up . ( 36 isn 't really that old . . . . is it ? And WHAT WAS MY MOTHER THINKING letting me get married at TWENTY ! LOL ! ) Anyhow I love my Maddi girl . I swear from the breath of life that girl has been overly dramatic . . . UNTIL . . . she became a teen . I dreaded her hitting that ripe age of 13 , cause I was scared . BOY was I scared . But oddly enough , things really started to smooth out at that point . She 's such a good girl . I 'm so lucky that Heavenly Father saw fit to send her to us . ( Even though I 'm sure I questioned why I was being tortured at some points ) . So here you have it . . . My " T " page for my A - Z album . Much against her wishes . She does NOT like being called a teen ! No , no . . . . . . I wasn 't the lucky one being sedated for two and a half hours today . Today was Aaron 's turn at the dentist , and did he ever put the dentist to work . I 'm somewhat ashamed to admit that he had 14 fillings , 1 baby root canal and one crown . Yes , you are not mistaken . . . the boy is not even 4 . I 'll admit it . I 'm not the best at keeping up on the kids brushing their teeth , but I hafta say that the kid just has lousy teeth . I haven 't done anything more or less with him than I did with his older sisters , and at Tess ' check up she didn 't have even a single cavity . That girl is 7 . 5 and going on cavity free ! Sarah has only had a couple and well , Maddison . . . . . she and Aaron have had the same story on their baby teeth . Only this time it cost a whole lot more ! When did dental pricing soar so high ? So yeah . . . if you 're driving around AF and see some punk young dentist . . . . younger than ME . . . . driving a new BMW , we paid for that . Actually he 's not a punk . He 's really nice . I 'm just feeling old when all of the doctors we 've visited recently are younger than my age . What 's with that ? When did I get old ? So anyway . . . what a treat it was watching my poor boy trip out . I have to admit . I giggled . Not long after the shot of happy stuff in the arm was administered did he exclaim to me that he was seeing fireworks ! Sheesh . I think all moms of 5 should be allowed an occasional legal shot in the arm that produces a firework display . Then again . . . . if I had to pay $ 1 , 100 for it , I think I 'd have to kindly decline and find sources of relaxation and entertaiment another . . . . less expensive way . I mean , really . . . . I don 't want to finance another BMW for someone ELSE . I 'd rather buy my hubby that sexy Dodge Charger that he 's after . They ARE sexy cars . They are such dude cars too . Every time I see a chick driving one of those it kind of makes me violent . ESPECIALLY when I see car seats in the back . Why does it make me violent ? I have no clue , other than it is a super sexy dude car . Oh my word . . . so you 're asking yourself . . . what is the perk of 2 . 5 Posted by Well Tracey had a busy day yesterday . After our 13 miles of running , he got cleaned up and went to shoot a pre - wedding video . I 'm in awe of his video abilities . It 's only a matter of time and he 's going to be the most sought after videographer in Utah ! Enjoy ! This morning Tracey and I ran our first half marathon ever . For both of us it was a personal distance record . . . for him only having run 11 miles at one time previously and for me only having run 6 miles at one time . What an amazing experience . I froze ( from being way up the canyon at the butt crack of dawn ) . I laughed . I whined ( just a little ) , I ran . I hurt . I pushed limits I didn 't know I had , and seeing 4 of my favorite girls surprise me at the finish line to cheer us on . . . . well that made me cry . I 'm such a sap and I 'm actually getting all weepy thinking about what a great experience it was . I love that I was able to do it with my best friend . . . . my husband , that ran by me every step of the way . He was there to encourage me and keep me going . . . . even when I thought I couldn 't go a step farther . He just kept reminding me . . . " We are in this together " . I have to say that all in all I 'm pretty darn proud of myself . I really had no problems physically until about the 11th mile . Up until that point the only walking we did was through the water stops , which probably wasn 't more than a minute or two each time . But oh my wordy . . . beginning that 11th mile . Well that pretty much sucked . My body was just begging me to quit and so I did walk . . . for a little while , but oddly enough , walking hurt far more at that point than actually running , so we just kept putting one foot in front of the other and soon enough the end was within ear shot , and boy oh boy was that ever deceiving , as we had to wind back and forth around the Riverwoods shopping and business complexes as we were not able to start at the top of Provo canyon due to wild fires . I really didn 't think I could do it , but was glad I kept going . I can 't tell you what an amazing feeling it was to round the last bend and to see Tracey 's sisters and my two oldest beautiful girls just screaming their heads off cheering us on . Boy did that make me cry . I just wanted to run and hug them as they were yelling at me to keep going and not stop . Thank you Jana for thinking the idea and thanPosted by Wow . I just honestly and truly think that life can 't get any busier ! This summer has been a blur and it breaks my heart that we have only one more week and it 's back to school . I wanted to make sure that both of the girls had their teeth extracted and feeling better before school started , so today we went to the dentist for round two of teeth pulling . This time it was Sarah . This time it was without sedation . This time I got to watch . All I can say is Sarah is a superstar . She did so good . There were a few tears with the shots in the roof of her mouth , but other than that she did great . Poor thing is absolutely starving , but her mouth is still numb so she 's having a hard time swallowing . However , this too shall pass and one day when she has a perfect smile she will be grateful for this day of misery ! Yes . I must officially be a runner . Now your asking , what makes YOU an official runner . Well , my guess is if my new pair of running shoes cost more than I paid for my wedding dress then I must be serious about this activity . ( Granted , my wedding dress cost only $ 80 for the materials and my sweet mom made it , and looking back now I think to myself . . . . UGH , how could I have WORN that ! ) Well , you are likely thinking to yourself , how could you wear those orange monstrosities . Let me tell you . . . . they are like running on air ! I have to say that it 's a good thing that one of my favorite colors right now is orange and half of my workout clothing is orange , so at least I can somewhat coordinate my looks . After having my running analysis , the girl brought out a selection of shoes that would be best for my running style and my first thought when I saw the orange shoes was . . . NO WAY . I mean I DO love orange , and it 's super happy , and you could see me coming from a mile away in those babies , but NO WAY ! All it took was playing Cinderella and slipping them on and I knew I was in love . So here 's hoping that my new pumpkin feet will carry me well this Saturday during my 1 / 2 Marathon . I still think I 'm psycho for that . 13 . 1 miles ? Oh sheesh . . . what was I thinking ? ! ? ! ? Wow . I can 't believe she did it ! It 's amazing what forking out a couple hundred bucks for a little sedation can do for a child that has quite literally been known to yell at the dentist that he is " destroying me " . Oh yes brothers and sisters . . . . it 's true . Or there was the time that she told the dentist that he was the worst person in the world . Yeah . I made her write an appology letter for that one . Needless to say , I wasn 't entirely sure what today would hold with having 4 teeth extracted . I knew once she was asleep that things would be fine , but boy . . . wasn 't quite sure how getting the IV would go . Surprisingly enough with a little help from the ol ' happy gas , she survived it . IV and all . One hour of surgery later miss maddison is 4 teeth lighter , and so far so good . It was an interesting ride home repeating the same conversation over and over between the tears that yes in fact she did have 4 teeth pulled out . Her response . . . . " WHAT ? ? ? ? You mean I had teeth pulled out ? Yes sweetie , you did . WHERE ? On the top ? Well you had 4 teeth taken out . Two on the top and two on the bottom . I DID ? Oh . . . . " Repeated ohhhh . . . . 5 or 6 times . She 's a little more " with it " now and has actually eaten some lunch and come to terms with her missing teeth . Next step . . . . braces ! So yeah . . . . I 'm kinda proud of myself . With eating better and exercising a lot , I 'm a shrinking woman ! It 's kind of nice when you look in the mirror and actually think . . . " Dang . . . . I look pretty good ! " . It 's been a looooooooooooooong time since I 've felt that way . I know I have a lot of work ahead of me but here is a little layout that I did to mark my progress in counting down my sizes ! Journaling reads : After 5 kids I have truly had the desire to lose weight and be healthy . It hasn 't been an easy process , but I am finally seeing results . I earnestly began my quest of shrinking in March of 2008 . I was easily a size 14 or sometimes a 16 and weighed 187 pounds . 5 months later at the beginning of August I am pleased with my progress . I am now between a size 10 and 12 depending on the make and have lost nearly 20 pounds ! My ultimate goal is to be a size 8 and weigh 155 pounds . Not bad for a mom of FIVE ! Here 's hoping I can keep it up and by the end of the year maybe I 'll reach my goal ! ( Oh and see that super cute flower stamp ! That is from my friends at Unity Stamp Company ! Be on the lookout for more designs using that wonderful set of stamps ! ) So at the beginning of June we went with all of the Lee family to the Pioneer Heritage Park in Salt Lake City . If you ever make it to Salt Lake definitely put it on your list of things to do . It 's just like taking a trip back in time . All of the workers are dressed in time period clothing and there are at least 40 some odd buildings that you can go and tour through , all of which are original buildings from the pioneer days . Each building has some sort of " hands on " activity for visitors to do . It was a blast watching the kids do laundry on wash boards , beat rugs with wire thingys , print a sheet of the newspaper , repair shoes , etc . All of the workers definitely played up the part as if it were truly the 1800 's . ( Some of them I think really thought that it WAS the 1800 's ! ) Anyhow , I finally scrapped the photos that I took that day and here is my " P " page for the A - Z album that I 'm working on . Have a great day ! Ahhhh . . . . the lazy days of summer ! ( Okay , who am I fooling into thinking that our days are even remotely lazy . . . . they 're not ! ) One thing is for sure , that a good summer vacation is officially complete when a trip to Lagoon happens . Yesterday was Tracey 's work Lagoon day . I really wanted to take some photos because Maddison and Sarah are so excited about scrapbooking , yet I didn 't want to haul my big camera around so with some pretty persistent ( and I am sure slightly annoying ) hinting , I am now the owner of a little Nikon L18 . I didn 't really have any major requirements in a new camera other than video capabilities because Maddison , Sarah and her friend are into making videos right now , and I wanted to give them something they could use and me not really worry about whether or not they are going to ruin something expensive of Traceys . Oh wordy . . . I digress . . . . Lagoon ! So we ended up taking the entire family yesterday and boy was it HOT ! I 'm not talking a wee bit hot , I 'm talking around 100 degrees hot , and boy did it show in the photos I took ! The poor kids looked like they were going to positively melt away . However , there is something magical about being a kid and when there is fun to be had all of those external annoyances just disappear . What a joy it was to be with the kids , watching them enjoy the day every bit as much as I remember enjoying Lagoon when I was a kid . It was pretty nostalgic to watch Aaron and Tessa ride the exact same rides that Tracey and I rode as kiddos over and over and over again . I loved watching the big girls on the Tilt - A - Whirl , which was my all time favorite ride as a kid . Oh how I loved going on that ride with my dad , cause he totally knew how to get us spinning so fast that it took my breath away from giggling so hard ! It was fun spending a little time with my brother and his family as well as Tracey 's Uncle Brian and his new " little friend " and their kids . All in all it was a simply fabulous day . . . . . until we got home and the 308 some odd ounces of Diet Coke that we consumed as a family hOh and what the heck . . . here 's a silly one that Maddison and Sarah did . I guess Sarah just needed her afternoon nap !

Welcome to Read Indian Sex Stories - here you will find some of the best Indian sex stories and the hottest sex fantasies that will make you cum . Our readers regularly share their most erotic experiences with us and you can too by submitting yours . We hope you enjoy your visit and can keep satisfying you with the best sex stories . had . Last Thursday night a friend of mine , Lalith , came over to talk , and watch the daynight cricket match in TV . He works at the same place I do , and since we had a three day week - end , we were in no hurry to end the night . After a long time I had time to watch my favourite sport and had time for it too . My wife , Saritha , had to work the next day , and since she was not a night person she went to bed about 10 : 30 . She is also one of the soundest sleepers I know . I have actually After Saritha went to bed , Lalith and I sat up and watched an old porno flick of his that he had brought over , since Saritha wasn 't into much of that scene . We usually take such chances when she is away to her parents home or temple . But this time we went ahead and decided to watch porno flick once the match got boring as India loose many wickets . I sat there watching the movie for a while before realizing Lalith had been gone for an awful long time . I got up to go see if he was all right , and as I approached the bathroom door , I saw it was open . I walked on in and saw Lalith standing there looking through the doorway that adjoins our bedroom . He jumped " Oh , man . I 'm sorry , " he stammered . " It 's just that when I came in here , the door was open . When I was about to leave , I just saw her laying there like that ! " I stepped around Lalith and looked into the bedroom . Saritha was lying on her side facing away from us , with her legs kind of tucked under her slightly . She had gone to bed wearing a nightgown , but it had ridden up over her hips , showing her smooth , bare , pantiless ass . Her shoulders were turned slightly more our way allowing us to view the side of her nicely shaped breast and nipple through the semi - sheer nightgown . She looked very sexy lying there in the reflected light from the bathroom , her lips slightly pouting and her long dark hair thrown across the pillow . It was almost like she was posing for a Malayalam porn movie poster . " God , she 's beautiful , " Lalith said breathlessly . " I 'd give anything to have a woman like her , Sri . " I couldn 't believe what I was saying . I was about to bring another man into my bedroom so that he could look at my almost naked wife . I wasn 't quite sure just what I was going to do yet , or how far I would go . As we tiptoed into the bedroom , I motioned for Lalith to come on over to the side of the bed . He looked a little unsure of himself , his eyes darting from me to Saritha . But the closer he got , the longer his gaze locked on Saritha . She was lying on the side of the bed closest to us , and as we approached her both of her firm breasts came into full view . Her nipples could just be seen through the thin fabric of her gown , but her legs being bent prevented us from seeing her pussy . Her gown was just about the level of her belly - button though , and the smooth curve of her belly could be seen until it disappeared between her legs . I just stood there grinning from ear to ear , looking back and forth from Lalith to Saritha . He was just standing there , staring at her in utter amazement and disbelief . Ever so slowly , I eased the strap down further , but her nipple kept the fabric from going any further . Carefully , I slid my finger under the fabric , gently lifting it up and over her nipple . Lalith gasped quietly . Now her left breast was fully exposed . Her smooth dark nipples were standing erect from the stimulation of the moving fabric . I then reached over and eased the right strap down over her shoulder , gently pulling the fabric over her right nipple exposing it . I left the straps on her arms for the moment , as I didn 't want to risk waking her up . Lalith was still standing there , gawking at Saritha 's firm body , touching the bulge in his pants occasionally while trying not to let me see . My own dick was about to burst the seams of my jeans too , not only because of seeing my wife , but of what I was doing . Lalith 's eyes were wide open as he eased closer , bending over slightly and reaching out to cup her breasts . His hand was shaking slightly , and he had his other hand between his legs as if to support himself , but it was obvious what he was doing . His hand kept edging closer , closer , until finally - his fingertips were touching the top of her left breast just below the aureole . Carefully , his thumb rested on the underside of her breast , before sliding slowly up towards the nipple . She didn 't move . Just as his thumb reached her Lalith then started caressing her breasts , going from first one , then the other , very lightly . Saritha was still quite asleep , although it seemed that her breathing was slightly faster . Lalith began getting bolder , using slightly more pressure and gently squeezing each breast . He was now not trying to hide his own crotch rubbing , and it appeared that he was going to attempt to cum off in his pants . I was having too much fun to let this end right now , though , so I motioned him back as I eased the straps of her gown the rest of the way off of her arms . I pulled the gown down as far as it would go without pulling it down between her and the bed , leaving her entire top exposed down to about the bottom of her rib cage on the left side . Then I made my way down to her hips . I carefully moved the sheet away from the bottom of her ass , and untangled it from around her feet . This left all of her ass exposed , and part of her pussy . Lalith couldn 't see this yet from his vantage point . I heard him doing something behind me , so I turned and saw him pulling his jeans down to just below his balls so that he could jack off . I turned back around , and slowly straightened Saritha 's left leg . This exposed her upper pubic hair almost down to the slit of her pussy , and when Lalith saw me doing this , he leaned over beside me to get a good look while slowly jacking off . Gently , I pulled her left leg closer to me easing her over to fully lie on her back , exposing her entire He replaced his right hand with his left on his cock , but still not jacking off . Then he reached out with the same hand he had been rubbing his dick with , and slowly reached out to touch the top of her pubic mound . He gently started rubbing his fingers through her dark brown pubic hair , not quite going as far as her slit yet . Saritha was still fast asleep , but her breathing became more rapid as he stroked her . Then he ran his first two fingers down the outside of her pussy lips and back up before running his middle finger down the I saw that Saritha was still sound asleep , but I wasn 't sure if this type of activity would wake her up or not . He looked at me and I nodded for him to proceed . He then took his left hand and rubbed it up and down on his dick , getting his precum all over his fingers . Then taking that same hand , started rubbing her entire pussy , occasionally opening her lips slightly with his middle finger . Saritha 's hips occasionally began to move back and forth slightly , and a moan would quietly coo out of her every now and then . Lalith had begun to jack off again , and just then an idea hit me . Carefully I pulled Saritha 's left leg over until it hung off of the bed . Her pussy was now just inches from the edge , although not quite close enough for Lalith to fuck her . His dick wasn 't that long and anyway , I wasn 't sure if fucking her would wake her up . Besides , I wasn 't sure I wanted her fucked yet since this was so new to me . " Lalith , come on down here , " I motioned to him . " You can rub her pussy from between her legs , and jack off at the same time . But don 't fuck her , you hear ? " Lalith nodded and quickly moved between her legs . He began rubbing her pussy with his left hand , and jacking himself off with his right . His dick was about level with her pussy , and about six inches away as he pumped his cock back and forth . He was now using his thumb to rub her slit , so that he could get his dick even closer , until finally , his dick was less than an inch away from her slit . Saritha 's hips were still bucking slightly , and on one downward tilt , Lalith 's cock came in contact with her slit , running up its length . This set Lalith off , and he began cumming all over her pussy and in - between her legs . With each spurt he grunted , and occasionally , he would " accidentally " rub his cockhead into the top portion of her slit . It must have been a while since he had cum , for his jism was all over her pussy lips , hair , and in her slit . As he finished , he milked the very last drop out , letting it drop into her partially open cunt hole . It seemed to disappear , as it ran down into her cunt . I smiled at him , motioning him to back up now that he was through . Now it was my turn . I stepped be - tween her legs , pulling my pants down , and began stroking my dick . " Lalith , go over by the door for a moment . I 'm going to try and ease her down closer to the edge of the bed so I can fuck her , " I whispered hoarsely . Lalith obeyed , and went over by the door in case she woke up . Gently , I slid her down until her left ass cheek was hanging off the bed . She never even woke up , but she was still breathing heavily , and her juices were now flowing out of her cunt and mixing with Lalith 's . I motioned for Lalith to come over and hold her leg and ass cheek , so that I could have my hand free . He took her leg with his left hand , and reached under her with his right to support her ass . I saw him squeeze it as he held her , and I began to rub my dick up and down her drenched slit . The wetness was incredible ! Her juices mixed with Lalith 's cum had made her twat sooooo slippery . I was already about to pop my load , so I gently eased the head of my dick down to the entrance of her hot hole . Even though her cunt was so wet , her hole was still very tight since Lalith hadn 't fucked her , but my dick slid in easily . I immediately began pumping , and after about the tenth stroke , Saritha started cumming in her sleep ! ! ! This was all I could stand . I began shooting off deep inside her pussy , with each spurt feeling like it was coming straight from my balls . Saritha was letting out little moans with each breath , and I was countering them with grunts of my own . Lalith let out a typical " Ohhhhh , mannn ! ! ! ! " , only this time he didn 't whisper . It didn 't matter , for Saritha never did wake up the whole time . As I withdrew , Lalith eased her butt and leg back up on the bed , and then bent over and kissed her left nipple , sucking it as he pulled away to stand up . I was too exhausted to say much to him as I led him to the door . He kept thanking me as he walked out , and I waved and shut the door . I went back into the bedroom and fell on the bed next to Saritha and fell asleep almost immediately . " You wouldn 't believe what I dreamed about last night ! " she started . " I dreamed that there were these hands all over me , rubbing me . By the way , did we do anything last night ? " " Well . . . , I don 't know . It seems almost like a dream . I must have been half asleep . It sure was nice though . Tell me , are you up to doing it again , now that I am more awake ? " My thoughts drifted back to the night before . . . " Hmmmmmm , what do you think ? " I smiled . The next week in office , all I could think about was that night Lalith had almost fucked my wife . He and I never spoke about it , but occasionally we would exchange smiles , him flashing that grateful smile of his . I knew that Saritha would be getting sleepy about then , and that Lalith 's presence would probably initiate her going on to bed since she really didn 't enjoy his company all that much . I laughed to myself at that thought . If she really knew what Lalith was there for , not really caring for him that much , she 'd probably stay up all night , at least till he left . Jeeva was a fairly large guy and have a ypical south indian look . He is so dark but still looks handsome . He stood around six feet and weighed in at about 100 Kg . He definitely wasn 't a fat man , and had a large , muscular frame . " Well , Lalith and I are gonna get together over at my house tonight about 10 o ' clock to have a couple of beers . . . and whatever . I think he said something about bringing over a fuck flick . Whatd ' ya say ? " That night at dinner , I was preoccupied with the thoughts of what was in store . I bought fried rice from a chinese restaurant as my Wife like fried rice , in hopes that Saritha would be well on her way to a sound , good night 's sleep before long . I also bought wine and on some occasions I will ask her to have some . Certainly i didnt miss this time to make her drink some . As I expected , it wasn 't long before Saritha was giggling with the effects of the wine . An unexpected benefit , however was the wine had a stimulating effect on her . She began running her foot along my upper thigh under the table playfuly . Later on the couch , and a couple of glasses later , she sat facing me with one foot on the floor and the other foot under her knee while we watched TV . This caused her short skirt to ride up her thighs , exposing the smooth shiny legs . She opened her legs slightly further , showing me the top of her panty clad crotch , just as the doorbell rang . As I opened the door , Lalith came in with a paper bag under his arm , and stood next to the door as I shut it , looking at Saritha and issuing the usual small talk greetings . As I turned to go back to the couch , I noticed that Saritha had not yet moved from her former position , as she sat facing us and playing with a strand of her hair . She obviously was unaware that she was showing so much to Lalith as she sat there with a slight look of disappointment . Lalith stood there momentarily , as they gazed at one another , her in deep thought , and him in disbelief . Suddenly , she became aware of herself and quickly turned around on the couch , adjusting her skirt . " Well , if you guys don 't mind . . . I think I 'm gonna call it an evening , " she said , getting up off the couch . ' Perfect ! ' , I thought , everything was falling into place . " OK , dear . I 'll be along in a little , " I said , smiling at Lalith . He quietly mouthed the words ' I will too ! ' after she had passed him , heading towards the bedroom . After Saritha had gone to bed , Lalith and I sat there staring blankly at the TV , neither of us saying a word . The air was filled with expectation . About 10 o ' clock , I heard Jeeva drive up into the driveway . I got up to let him in before he rang the doorbell . I really didn 't think it would wake up Saritha . . . but I wasn 't taking any chances . At first all we did was make small talk as Lalith popped his new flick into the VCR . Jeeva still hadn 't been let in on our little secret . I wasn 't yet sure just how I was gonna go about it . After about 15 - 20 minutes , I noticed that Lalith was getting a bit antsy . He kept shifting around in his seat and glancing at me as if expecting the signal to go anytime now . " I 'll be right back " , I said , signaling Lalith to stay put for awhile . I wanted to make sure everything was set for what was about to happen . Quietly , I slipped down the hall and into the bedroom . Saritha was laying on the bed on her back in one of her sheerest nighties , the cover bunched up around her waist . I guess the wine had really taken it 's toll on her , as she was really sprawled out on the bed , her arms above her head on the pillow and one leg tossed over the side of the bed under the covers . Saritha looked beautiful lying there with that typical little pout she has when sleeping , her long balck hair spread out under her head on the pillow , just touching her shoulders . Her breasts were readily visible through the transparent material covering them as they stuck almost straight up like two conical , dark tipped mountains . It didn 't look like I was going to have to do much at all to get things ready . Jeeva walked down the hall , and as soon as I heard the bathroom door shut , Lalith and I were off for the bedroom . Standing in the bedroom , Lalith 's gaze was fixed on Saritha . Jeeva had neglected to shut the door leading to the bedroom , probably because he didn 't know anyone would be in there . As I heard him finish up , I could hear him fumbling with his zipper as he turned to head back out . Suddenly , I heard him stop dead in his tracks . He obviously had seen Saritha . I could barely contain my laughter as I let out a snicker . Jeeva heard this and poked his head around the door - frame , looking straight at us . I quickly help my finger up to my lips , shushing quietly , and motioned him to come on in . Gently , I reached down and grasped the edge of the covers . I slowly began pulling them down , exposing more of Saritha 's firm , flat belly covered only by her sheer nightie . I pulled the sheet down to a point between her navel and the beginning of her pubic mound , exposing the lacy hem of her nightie . Then I took the hem and very carefully eased it up her creamy white torso , and over her pert white breasts . Her dark , shiny nipples began to harden with the contact from a wisp of air created by my hands moving her top over them . I scooted over to my left a little to let Jeeva stand more directly in front of Saritha 's firm young breasts , to which Lalith slipped around to Jeeva 's right , standing The contrast of his huge black hands against the firm white skin of Saritha 's tits as he gently fondled them was extremely exciting ! His huge hands almost completely covered her medium - sized tits when he cupped them . He gently took a nipple between his thumb and forefinger and squeezed it slightly , evoking a quiet whimper from Saritha . Meanwhile , Lalith had rid himself of his pants , and was steadily stroking himself directly over Saritha 's face , just inches from her pouting lips . He looked at me as he squeezed out some precum , letting it ooze out of the head of his dick and drip slowly down , coming to rest directly on her lips . At first , she didn 't move as the precum lay glistening on her lower lip , but the sensation of it against her lip caused her to lick it off with her tongue . Seeing this , Jeeva stood up and unzipped his pants . As he pulled his pants and underwear down , one of the largest , darkest dicks I have ever seen on a man sprang free from its moorings . It must have been at least 9 inches long , about two to three inches in diameter at the thickest point right behind the head . The tip of his uncircumcised dick was peeking out from the foreskin , and the shaft was slightly curved upward from its dark , hairy base . The thought of this massive dark instrument plunging into Saritha 's sopping wet pussy thrilled something inside of me , but at the same time scared me . I knew if he ever got it inside her , it would stretch her to her limit if not tear her in half . And there was no doubt in my mind , THAT thing inside her would wake her up regardless of how sound asleep she was now . He looked at me before bending down , bracing himself with his hand on the other side of Saritha , and sucking her right nipple into his mouth . He then hunched his hips forward and began to rub the head of his huge dark dick all over her left breast . As he stroked himself , precum began to ooze out of its black head coating Saritha 's milky breast and dark nipple as it poked , prodded , and rubbed her tit . Motioning for Lalith to come down where I was , I gently pulled the covers down further , momentarily stopping just below the top of Saritha 's sheer black panties before pulling the covers completely free of her all together . Her thin dark pubic patch was clearly visible beneath the thin , lacy material . Lalith reached down and began to stroke her smooth wheatish legs , working his way upwards toward her crotch while all the time stroking himself . I already wanted more ! Gently , I rolled Saritha over slightly so that I could pull her panties down first on her left side , then on her right . After getting them down to about mid - thigh , I quickly slipped them off of her . Lalith had replaced Saritha 's left leg to dangle off of the bed , and had eagerly slipped between her thighs to begin exploring her tight , thin haired cunt with his fingers . Cautiously at first , he began to run his thumb lightly up an down her slit , his face just inches away . Then he took her clit between his thumb and index finger and lightly rolled it between them . This caused Saritha to moan , drawing her legs up until they met Lalith 's shoulders . When I looked back at Lalith , he had boldly replaced his fingers with his tongue ! Gently he placed one of his fingers at the entrance to her hole , pausing briefly to let her juices drain onto his fingers before slowly plunging his finger inside her cunt . Saritha gasped , her legs closing tightly around Lalith 's head . Undeterred , Lalith continued his assault with his tongue and fingers on my wife 's sweet pussy . Never before had another man other than myself done this to her . Suddenly , Jeeva stepped around and gently pulled Lalith back by his right shoulder . Lalith looked up at him momentarily , then down at his huge black dick , which was pointing directly at Saritha 's pussy . Lalith backed off as Jeeva stepped between her legs and began rubbing the head of that monstrous bloated dick up and down her tight slit . I could see the precum glistening on the light covering of dark pubic hair that lined her moist slit . . I froze , not knowing just what to do . I knew that Jeeva was planning on fucking Saritha with his humongous dick , that really didn 't bother me . In fact , deep down that is what I wanted and had planned for . But I knew that Saritha would definitely wake up once that thing was inside her . The thought of this dark stud shooting his cum deep into my wife 's unprotected pussy triggered something inside of me , however . I WANTED to see him dump his load deep in her cunt ! I could no longer control my urges to see this happen . I had already lost control of this situation anyway . Slowly , the huge black head began to disappear between her pussy lips , her tightness resisting its probing . Saritha 's mouth opened as she gasped in slight pain . If this hurts now with just the head sticking inside her , I thought , what 's she gonna do when he tries to stick all of it in her ? But Jeeva was fairly gentle in his initial violation of her tight , hot cunt . As gentle as he could be in his excited state . He moved back and forth in short quick strokes , stretching her twat little by little and plunging slightly deeper with each thrust . Lalith had moved back up to Saritha 's head , playing with her tits with one hand and jacking himself off with the other over her face . All at once he bent over and softly kissed her on her open mouth , slipping his tongue just inside , while at the same time continuing his manipulation on her tits and his dick . Saritha instinctively pursed her lips slightly as his lips touched hers enveloping his tongue . Quickly , Lalith stood up and placed the head of his dick against her lips , probing it just inside Saritha 's pursed lips . Seemingly playing out some erotic dream , Saritha began sucking on just the head of Lalith 's dick . I heard him moan , as slurping sounds escaped between his dick and my wife 's lips . Suddenly , as if a barrier had been broken , the thick bulge of his dick slipped past the tight entrance of her hot hole and he began pumping away inside her with earnest . He only had about two - thirds of his dick inside her when all of a sudden . . . SHE WOKE UP ! At first , her eyes popped open then she gasped , releasing Lalith 's dick from her lips as her pussy was filled to it 's limit . Everyone froze as her initial disorientation dwindled and was replaced by her complete awareness of what was going on . Her gaze shifted from Lalith 's dick hovering just above her lips , to Jeeva whose dick was still deep inside her tight pussy . Jeeva was beyond stopping now , no matter what my wife or I might think and he started to hump her as if his life depended on it , he held her to the bed and banged away at her . Suddenly , to my surprise , Saritha wrapped her legs around Jeeva , digging her legs into his ass and pulling him deeper inside of her as she hunched up against him , grunting as his dick thrust deeper and deeper all at once . He now had at least 8 inches inside her previously unadulterated pussy , and with each thrust he took more of her . This brought about Jeeva 's orgasm , as her pussy clamped tightly around his huge dick . A low animal growl was heard deep from within him as he thrust forward violently and began to cum deep inside Saritha 's unprotected pussy . Their moans and grunts mixed with each other as their climax built up then subsided . Huge gobs of cum dripped down the crack of Saritha 's ass as Jeeva began to withdraw his huge cock from her now sloppy pussy . With Saritha still lying on her back , Lalith immediately jumped between her legs , rubbing his dick up and down her sloppy wet pussy lips , and then slipping easily into her over - stretched twat . After just a couple of strokes , he withdrew , and placed his dickhead at the entrance to her virgin ass . Not even I had been able to fuck her in the ass yet , and I wondered if she would stop Lalith . I was just about to dump my own load all over Saritha 's face when I heard Lalith 's grunts change to loud moans as he emptied himself deep within my wife 's virgin ass . This was all it took for me as I too began to shoot the first hot thick streams of cum between her tightly squeezed tits . I thrust myself forward , plunging my dick into Saritha 's waiting mouth , where she began to swallow the rest of my pent up seed . Saritha continued to suck on my softening dick , as I collapsed against the headboard . I turned my head a -

While I did not achieve my goal of running the race in less than 2 hours , I did take a few minutes off last year 's time and ran it in 2 : 02 : 31 . I am happy with how I ran the race ; for the first half , each time I looked at my watch , I was running faster than a 9 : 00 mile , which for a slow - poke like me , is quite fast . I 'm not sure I 've ever kept a pace like that up for such a long distance , and I ran my fastest 10k in 57 : 55 ; remember two years ago when I worked so hard to run a 10k in 75 minutes ? Yeah , I sure do , and it felt really good to know that I could easily accomplish 6 . 2 miles in less than an hour today . I would never have dreamed , that just two years later , I would be running distances far beyond 6 . 2 miles and doing an adequately mediocre job of it ! It might seem to you that I 'm selling myself short , but I 'm not , and nor am I disappointed to have attained the status of being an adequately mediocre runner . I have no delusions of grandeur ; I 'm not going to be selected for any sort of competitive running event ( hello Olympic pasta - eating team ! ) and I 'm never going to be the winner of a race ( unless I design another race of one , but then I 'm both first and last place , and what is the point of that ? ) , but to have gone from somebody who would rather lie down on a treadmill and get belt - burn on her chin than run one goddamn step to someone who signs up to run ( when not being chased by a predator ) kinda far for fun is pretty remarkable . In thinking back over my race , I am happy with my pace , and I think the only way I could have saved a little time ( aside from running faster , obviously ) would have been to skip some of the water stations . Because I carry my water with me ( on my back , like a two - legged camel ) , I usually don 't stop at every aid station , but , because we were warned about high - humidity and VOG , I was worried about dehydrating and stopped , briefly , at each station . I don 't know if it would have saved me three minutes to skip an aid station or two , and I 'm not all that concerned about it . I 'm happy with my results and now have something to work on for next year - getting faster ! We have a brief break from serious training until August when marathon season begins again . In the meantime , I 'm going focus on getting stronger and faster , and , in general , fitter . I 'm hoping to jump in on some longer training runs with friends who are going to run a 100 mile run around ( literally , around ) the Big Island of Hawaii . I 'm DEFINITELY not running 100 miles … not today , not tomorrow , not ever … but I am hoping to go beyond the 26 . 2 mile marathon distance . We 'll see what kind of stuff I 'm made of ! I 'm really enjoying the class and am learning quite a bit about CrossFit . Mostly I 'm learning that it really IS as hard as it looks and that I really like working out with only ladies . There is something so liberating about showing up at the gym and knowing that nobody is going to be impatiently waiting for me to relinquish the barbell or be silently judging the ( lack of ) weight I 'm lifting ; these ladies , like me , have nothing to prove . I 've heard the same sentiment expressed by others in our group ; we 'd all like to continue with the ' ole XFit ( is that a thing ? like Xtina ? ) , but we 'd like to continue with just ladies . Can it be ladies night every night , please ? This CrossFit program has us meeting three or four days a week for an hour long estrogen - fueled sweat sesh . Most days , we start with a short run to warm - up ( ahem , I ran my fastest mile on Saturday , 7 : 35 , no big deal [ brushes off shoulders ] ) which everybody but me seems to dread , but I like it because it 's the only part of the class where I feel like I know what I 'm doing . Then , we move on to going over the day 's class goal which is usually learning some new movement , like a clean or toes to bar , etc . , and we finish the day with a Workout of the Day ( WOD for short , CrossFit is so hip that even the workouts get nicknames ) that focuses on whatever the day 's skill was . It 's a pretty simple format . We 're learning the correct form for lots of types of lifts and movements ; they all look pretty straightforward when I watch the coaches demonstrate , but , man , I 've never felt so uncoordinated as when I 'm trying to follow their lead . It 's kind of like dancing , which I 'm also not very good at , but I don 't let my lack of natural talent stop me from enjoying myself . So far we 've learned how to jerk , snatch , clean , squat , toes to bar , pull - up , and burpee . Soooooo … . many … . . burpeeeeesssss . We burpee if we show up to class late . We burpee if someone misses class . We burpee if we forget someone 's name . We burpee if we row under or over our rowing goal . We burpee if we 're bored . We burpee if we 're tired . We burpee if we 're hungry . Essentially , we burpee for the heck of it . It seems that , much like my parents ' telling me to " go play outside " whenever I started to annoy them as a child , the coaches instruct us to burpee as a diversion technique . I will admit it is pretty effective and they say that whatever doesn 't kill you makes you stronger , but I 'm not sure if " they " ever did a burpee . Part of this program focuses on our diet . We are supposed to be eliminating processed sugar ( even maple syrup , which , since I 'm from VT , is essentially a food group ) and eating more protein and healthy fats . While I haven 't cut out sugar completely , I have almost done so ( as an aside , tea without honey is hardly worth drinking ) , and I am surprised by the difference I see and feel . Swapping sugars for more protein and healthy fats has made me less inclined to snack throughout the day , and I feel like I have more energy in general . I 'll admit that , as a vegetarian , I 've found it nearly impossible to completely forgo bread and I 'm probably eating more starchy grains , like rice , than I 'm supposed to be eating , but , a girl 's gotta do what a girl 's gotta do to maintain her sanity The first week of the program , I cut sugar out completely , and , after a mini - meltdown when Don asked if I wanted to grab lunch at our favorite restaurant , which serves mainly sandwiches , decided that it wasn 't going to be possible for me to both completely eliminate sugar and maintain my status as a functioning member of society . By the end of the week , tired of hard boiled eggs and avocados , I found myself spinning around the kitchen like a whirling dervish trying to find an afternoon snack , cursing my vegetarianism as I imagined my classmates eating grilled chicken . I was probably one paleo recipe away from spending my afternoons crying into a bag of marshmallows ; at Don 's recommendation , I began to allow myself the simple luxury of bread and feel much better now . So far , this has been a great experience , and I 'd like to continue pursuing my dreams of CrossFit competency after the New You program ends . I get a good vibe from the other gym goers and the coaching staff is friendly , knowledgeable and chill . My personal favorite is a gal named Coach Tiff because her whole " thang " is essentially my life goal . She seems really happy to be at the gym , even if she is spending much of her time helping a bunch of sweaty newbies adjust their form , and she is so fit that she looks like how I imagine I look when I 'm dreaming . That level of fitness takes a lot of dedication , and I admire that . I 'm sure , since I 'm doing this program and all , that I 'll look like Coach Tiff in a few weeks ; thats how this fitness thing works , right ? Last weekend I skipped the group run for the second of the BioAstin Marathon Readiness Series races . This was a 20k ( or 12 . 4ish mile ) race that consisted of three laps of a 4 + mile loop . It was hot and a little boring , and overall I felt tired and was disappointed with my time of 2 : 02 . I had hoped to run it in less than two hours , but I guess I should have run a little faster . I 'm still working on moderating my pace early in the run so that I can finish strong instead of dwindling to a sluggish stagger at the end . Today , I suffered a similar fate . We gathered this morning at the Kualoa Beach park for a 10 mile out and back along the coast . This is a run I have done a few times before and , while it is a lovely run with ocean views , it can be quite hot as there is little shade . Today we got lucky and there were some tradewinds blowing , but it was still warm . Although I enjoy this run because it is quite scenic , I kind of always sputter out at the end ; there is something about an out and back or a repeated loop that psychs me out . I think the spontaneity of an unfamiliar route helps keep me engaged when I run ; I can 't fall into the trap of remembering that I was going a little faster when I passed that stump the first time , or , I wasn 't quite so hot and sweaty when I saw that dead bird before . I get mentally bogged down by having " been there and done that " already , and it is a habit I need to break . Today , I ran a little above my pace on the way out , and , as I left the safe harbor of the aid station at the turn around point , I felt my legs protest when I began to run . My gut instinct , when my legs feel rubbery and I 'm hot , tired and can 't breathe , is to get discouraged . It is easy to look at the backs of the faster runners receding into the distance and think " you guys have it made , " but , honestly , running sucks for everyone . This is important to remember . It doesn 't matter if you 're fast or slow . If you 're running 10 miles or 5 ; running sucks ( although , yes , it 's safe to say that there is twice as much suck if you are running 10 miles compared to 5 ) . Running sucks , and it isn 't easy . I reminded myself of this as I started on the second half of our run . My legs felt heavy and rubbery , my lungs had collapsed , and I was leaving a trail of sweat droplets in my wake . I saw the pair of ladies who had left the aid station after me pass me and then surge off over the horizon , and , just as I started to think " it 's easier for them , " I caught myself and instead thought " you go girls . " As soon as I let go of that discouraging thought , I felt better . So what if it was hot out and I was running at a 12 minute pace , at least I was running . And so what if those ladies , who I am normally ahead of , were having a great day and I couldn 't keep up ; good for them . They were just as hot as I was , they were breathing the same humid air , and they were working at least as hard as the rest of us . Kudos to them . I allowed myself the luxury of plodding along for a couple of miles and then felt rested enough to try for a strong finish for the last three . It was a beautiful sunny day , and I was running along the sparkling ocean ; another great day to be alive . Next time , I will remember to slow down at the beginning of the run and not try to keep up with those who are feeling fresh and fast if I 'm not also feeling it . You 've got to run on the legs you have and not the ones you wish you had , and some days are better than others . Don and I were feeling the burn last week when we took our local Core Power Yoga studio up on its offer of a free week trial . Yeah , thats right an entire WEEK of FREE yoga ! What could be better ? Neither Don nor I had ever done yoga in any serious sort of setting . I occasionally do some yoga here at home , mostly Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube , on days when I just can 't get it together to do any other sort of exercise or on days when I 'm feeling particularly stiff and sore and old . I think the closest Don has come to going yoga is his post - run stretching . Neither of us is very flexible , and we both hope to become a little more bendy by conscientiously reminding our bodies to streeeetch and move in ways that do not involve running or lifting ( or sitting or lying down peacefully in a hammock ) . We started on a Monday evening , and , unfortunately for those of us who like a nice early bedtime on a work night , the only beginner 's class that fit into our schedule began at 8 : 45 that night . I wasn 't sure what to expect and I was a little nervous to be doing yoga in public with others around to witness , but I thought that a yoga session right before bed sounded like a very relaxing thing . We were greeted by a yoga instructor named Leah who is quite possibly the most enthusiastic person I have ever met and she seemed overjoyed that she got to be our very first yoga instructor in the very first yoga class of our lives . If she hadn 't seemed so genuinely happy and upbeat , I would have rolled my eyes at her , but , you guys , this girl is the real deal . Just being in the same room with her made me see everything through rose - colored lenses ; her sweat should probably be bottled and sold as an antidepressant . As the class began , it seemed like Leah was trying to tell us what she had for dinner ( Chana Masala ? ) or that she has obscure taste in music ( Chaka Kahn ? ) or maybe she had made a really good point about something and wanted to drop the mic on her way out ( BOOM shakala ! ) . It turns out that the series of movements we complete to get from one pose to another in yoga ( essentially going from standing to a high plank , to low plank , to an upward facing dog ) is called a chaturanga dandasana . Say that one five times real fast . The class began with a brief demonstration of the movements , a lesson in how to breathe , and advice to do what we can , and , if we needed to check in with our breath at any time , to get back into child 's pose and take a minute . I loved the yoga . I loved it so incredibly much . This is how the studio gets people to join ; they offer you a free week , you get hooked , and then you crave that awesome feeling . On our first two days of the trial , we attended level 1 classes which , according to the CPY literature , is great for people without yoga experience ( ME ! ) . On day three , the only class we could attend was a level 2 class that CPY recommends you have some yoga experience for ( 2 days is ' some ' right ? ) , and this was a reach for both of us ; Don actually spent a good portion of the hour in child 's pose " checking in with his breath . " Over the weekend , we tried some of the Yoga Sculpt classes that combine yoga with some lifting of light weights with a lot of repetitions , and I think I got the best workouts I 've had in a while in these classes . By the time Sunday , the last day of our trial , rolled around , I was all chaturanga 'd out . In hindsight , it probably wasn 't the best idea , as someone who had never done yoga in an instructional setting , to go every day for a week without a break , but the frugal New Englander in me just couldn 't pass up the opportunity to take a FREE class . My Dad once told me that I should never turn down a free meal ( solid advice , for sure ) and I 've taken that sage wisdom and applied it to … everything . I love free , and I loved the yoga , so it only seemed appropriate that I yoga until I couldn 't yoga anymore . While I struggled to lift my arms at the end of the week ( shoulders , so sore ) , and hold the chair pose for any length of time ( quads , so sore ) , each day I could feel my hamstrings lengthen and my body become more flexible overall . I will definitely try yoga - ing again , I definitely can 't afford to go every day ( even though I really REALLY want to ) , but I should be able to swing a couple of classes a month . Don seemed just as pleased with his yoga experience . He , the fitness freak that he is , particularly enjoyed the challenging yoga sculpt classes ( in one , we burned almost 500 calories in an hour according to our FitBits ) and even purchased his very own yoga mat , so I know he plans on going back . I 'm even fitter and faster than I was before I lined up for the start of the marathon , and the shorter distance makes me fee like I might be able to push myself a little harder to go a little faster . My ultimate goal is to finish the 13 . 1 miles in about 2 : 15 , but I would be happy with anything under 2 : 30 . My running cohorts tell me that this is totally possible , but they can 't hear the voice of dissension that creeps into my head and gets louder with every bead of sweat that I wipe from my brow . I think I 've worked hard enough to be able to trust in my training and ignore all of the " I can ' ts " and the " I won ' ts " and the " I 'm dyings " that pop into my brain to try to steer me off course . While we didn 't cover as much distance training for the half as we did for the full marathon ( and why would we need to , the race is only half as long - for many of us it will be over by 8 : 30 ! ) , we did train on an awful lot of hills - big hills , little hills , medium hills , long slow hills , short steep hills , long steep hills , hills that seemed friendly the first time we ran up them and then we ran up them again and again , hills where people were cooking breakfast or dinner and the smell of food wafted over us , hills where fathers were helping their sons train for football season , hills where bicyclists dismounted to walk up , downhills we sang the praises of in one direction that became uphills we cursed on the way home ; there was no shortage of hills for the Windward Endurance training group . This is a really good thing because , while there is only one real hill on the race course , it is a pretty big one and it happens around mile 10 . The Hapalua has a fun challenge called Team Hawaii vs . the World where the best local runners compete against a few professional runners from other countries . The local runners get a head start and the professional runners chase them to the finish line . When I went to pick up my race packet yesterday , I spotted two of the professional runners taking a breather . Don is sitting this race out because he has been too busy to train , but he and a friend who 's husband is running will be at mile 8 and at the finish line cheering us on . I 'm enjoying my pre - race diet of carbs and ice cream ( if eating ice cream before a race isn 't a thing , I vow to make it one ) and am looking forward to this time tomorrow when I will have finished my run . Wish me luck , I 'm going to take a cue from the pros and spend some time stretched out on the floor ! The past few weeks have involved more desk - sitting and excuse - making than suck - it - up - ing and stick - to - my - plan - ing and I feel guilty about it . Part of my problem is that I 've been pretty busy at work , and sometimes at the end of the day I can 't muster the energy to tie my sneakers and drive to the gym . Another part of my problem is that my upcoming half marathon isn 't scaring me enough . Leading up to the marathon in December , I was terrified of having a mid - race disaster . Now that I 've run the entire 26 . 2 miles without losing a foot or pooping my pants , I 'm afraid I 'm not giving the 13 . 1 miles the respect they deserve . Even though it is only half the distance of the marathon , 13 . 1 miles is still much farther than anybody needs to run in one go . Last week I had a houseguest who helped me get back on track a little bit . While we didn 't go running together - because she adamantly maintained that 3 miles is the farthest distance she needs to run and only if they are three scenic miles , otherwise she 's sticking with the treadmill - we did a few challenging hikes and logged many miles of walking . Not only did the hikes keep me from being glued to the couch in my down time , but , as I struggled not to barf while ascending Koko Head Crater in the hot mid - day sun , I was reminded of the importance of maintaining my level of fitness and taking my half - marathon training seriously . Tonight I happily rejoined my running group for some rough and rolling hills . While I was slow and felt tired and achy after a day of sitting in front of the computer , it was refreshing to be running " for reals " and back among the company of my running buddies . I dragged myself to the gym last night even though I left work much later than planned and only had time for a quick workout - some is better than none , right ? - and I 'll do the same tomorrow , and , although the plan for Thursday 's group run is speed work ( which I hate ! ) , I 'm oddly looking forward to it . So I 'm officially back in the saddle again , back on track , getting my groove back , whatever you want to call it . With the half marathon only about six weeks away , I 'm buckling down not a moment too soon . My goals for now are to keep making time for fitness and to try a little harder - run a little faster , do one extra pull - up , crank the resistance on the elliptical a little higher - so that I 'm making the most of my time even when it is limited . I am both terrified and excited about the prospect of our first double - digit distance . It seems like such an important benchmark in running , and , while I know it will be hot and tiring and hard , I think I can do it . Had I considered the prospect even two months ago , I think I would have felt otherwise . Joining the running group has not only given me more insight into training , but it also provides me with a support system for when I feel like I couldn 't possibly take another step even if there was a yellow cake with chocolate frosting sitting juuuust out of reach . So much of running , for me , is mental , and if I can talk myself out of taking too many walking breaks or ducking out early into the sanctuary of my air - conditioned car , I can claim victory . Seeing the other runners in our group struggling ( or not struggling ) with these same things puts my fatigue into perspective and makes it easier for me to talk myself out of quitting . The people who I draw the most inspiration from are Terry , a man who just celebrated his 70th birthday on Monday ( yup , 70 , as in seven decades of life ! ) , and the handful of " real " runners who make running look like a breeze but offer the same complaints - being tired and out of breath at the end of a run , dreading the big hill in the middle of the run , and really looking forward to seeing Cheryl 's car along the way - as I do . * The old saying misery loves company has never been more true than when applied to a running group . The camaraderie that develops between people who are sharing the same pain on the way to a common goal is essential to our success as a group and individually . Some of our stronger runners , including our fearless leaders Mike and Kelly , will be absent from our 10 miler this weekend because they are competing at the Hana Relay on Maui ( a 52 mile relay race - yikes ! I 'd join if a team could have 52 runners , but , sadly , a team is only allowed 6 ) . At first , I was worried this would mean that it would just be Don and I doing our 10 miles together - which would really mean that it would be the two of us for about a mile , and then I wouldn 't see him again until I made it back to the car - but the rest of us have banded together to make sure we don 't have to go it alone . My plan for tomorrow is slow and steady ( when isn 't this my plan ? It has been my life mantra since I first formed a coherent thought ! ) . With all of the training we have done , my pace has been picking up a bit , but with the help of my heart rate monitor , I 'm going to find a pace that seems maintainable ( driving my car with the AC on full blast seems the most maintainable , but I think my teammates would frown upon that … unless I offered them a ride ) , and not worry about time . Don is hoping to finish in time to catch the Chargers game , so I 'll do what I can , but he could always pick me up after the game since it might take me that long to run ten miles ! Our long run last Sunday was about 7 miles ( although there were discrepancies between the various gps and pedometer devices some of us use , so it was somewhere in between 6 and 7 miles and since I like to err on the side of giving myself more credit than I deserve , I 'm calling it 7 ) . We ran a loop that gave us beautiful views of Kaneohe Bay and the mountains surrounding it and then out to He ' eia Pier for some more beautiful views of mountains and water . I need to find a way to bring my phone with me on runs so that I can capture some of the spectacular scenery that makes them extra worthwhile . Mike seems to be especially adept at finding scenic routes for our long runs , and this , many of us have agreed , allows us a little distraction from the heat and fatigue we feel along the way . Sunday 's run was not my best . Don and I had some friends from Germany visiting , so , instead of eating a balanced dinner , drinking extra water and having an early bedtime , we ate guacamole by the fistful , washed it down with some beers , and stayed out later than we intended to on Saturday night . I knew that I would not be at the top of my game , but the important thing is that I still completed my run . It was definitely a " mind over matter " situation with the hardest part being when we ran past our cars on the way out to the pier - There they sat ! Little metal boxes promising climate control and an escape from our suffering ! - but the extra work required to make it to the end made victory that much sweeter . August 24 , 2015Health and Fitness26 . 2 , exercise , Fitness , FuelBelt , Health , healthy - living , Honolulu Marathon , hydration , Marathon , Perspiration , Physical exercise , Physical fitness , Running , wellnessiamnotafitnessfreak Marathon training is in full swing , and since humidity levels have settled around the " Must Possess Gills to Breathe this Air " mark for the past week or two , hydration has become one of the most important parts of training . Having grown up in New England and spent my young adulthood mainly in the Northeast , I had never experienced a tropical summer before moving to Hawaii and could not have imagined how sticky and hot it is . As I settled in to my new island life , my hydration belt quickly became one of my favorite pieces of equipment . I bought my hydration belt earlier this summer at Be Fit Kailua . I had stopped by the store merely to browse , but as I turned the belt over in my hand , I realized that I had been using the heat and threat of dehydration as an excuse to keep my runs short , so I bought it . The belt I have is made by FuelBelt and is fastened around my waist with velcro . Two small water bottles ( maybe 6 ounces ? ) sit behind me , one on each of my love handles , and a small zippered pouch sits , easily accessible , on my hip . The bottles rest in a holster and can be slid out and replaced easily so that I can continue running while I sip . Wearing the belt took a little getting used to . At first , I found the bouncing of the water bottles annoying and , even now , I occasionally think I hear someone or something coming up behind me when I 'm actually just hearing the sound of water sloshing . Any issues I have with the FuelBelt are erased by the benefits of wearing it . The obvious benefit is that , like a camel , I have a source of easily accessed , guaranteed fresh and clean water with me at all times . I watch others in my running group struggle with hydration - will there be water fountains ? Can I find a good place to stash my water bottle when I get tired of carrying it ? Will someone think my stashed water bottle is an orphan and will it be adopted by the time I return for it ? - and I 'm glad I 've eliminated this from my list of marathon training worries . This week , our Tuesday run focused on building endurance with hills and Thursday 's run was geared toward increasing our speed . Each run was a little less than 4 miles long , but , as they both focused on things I am neither particularly fond of nor excel at , I found them just as challenging as the longer runs . Today 's long run was grueling but fantastic . We met at the Ho ' omaluhia Botanical Garden in nearby Kaneohe and ran through the garden , to the Ko ' olau Golf Club and back again . Although the hills were more difficult than I thought they would be and the 7 . 5ish miles make this my longest run to date ( ! ) , the scenery was so green , so lush , so indisputably tropical that I really enjoyed today 's run . I need to go back and take some photos ( the zippered pouch on my FuelBelt has space for keys , chapstick and money , but not the iPhone 6 ) to share with you , but imagine a place where a non - animated version of the movie Fern Gully could be filmed , and you 've captured the Ho ' omaluhia Botanical Garden perfectly . I 've been holding out on you guys . I 've had a big announcement to make , but I didn 't make it and didn 't even create a preamble that would lead you to believe that I had a big announcement to make because I thought that I 'd eventually come to my senses and didn 't want to be answering questions about the big announcement that was not to be . The time has come , though , to let you in on my dirty little secret : I have decided to train for a marathon . You are probably wondering , as you have every right to wonder , why ? I 'm afraid I can 't give you a really good answer . I wasn 't possessed by the spirit of goodwill to run in honor of some charitable organization , I didn 't lose a bet , and I most certainly did not , suddenly , become a speedy and graceful runner . Honestly , I received an email with the subject line " Are you a runner ? " thought to myself " Nope , " opened it anyway , and , instead of deleting it , forwarded it to Don , who , upon receiving it , incredulously asked " You want to run a marathon ? ? ? ? " to which I replied " Ummmm , no . Probably not . " But here we are , preparing to run a marathon . The contents of that email ( which I should have deleted as was my first instinct ! Let this be a reminder to you all to TRUST your instincts ! ) detailed a marathon training clinic organized by a group called Windward Endurance Training and a local restaurant , the Kalapawai Cafe . The program they offer consists of three weekly group runs , video stride and running analysis , workout recommendations , discounts from the Be Fit Kailua shoe store and the Planet Sun sun care store , a post - race massage , and , best of all , free snacks at the Kalapawai Cafe after our Sunday morning runs . Free snacks go far in motivating me to do things I otherwise would avoid , but snacks alone do not a marathon make . What really got Don and I giving some serious thought to drinking the kool - aid was that the program sounds like the most sure - fire way to get someone to the start and finish lines of a marathon . If I decided to train for a marathon on my own , I 'd likely be tempted to give up around mile 10 . " 10 miles is a perfectly respectable distance to run , " I 'd reason , " and my feet hurt , so why press on ? " Now , I 'm part of a group of people ( including a few who are in their 60 's and a lady who is several months pregnant ) who will be disappointed if I give up halfway through the training , and I can draw on the collective knowledge of the group to make my marathon experience better and more likely to succeed . The discounts and free snacks certainly don 't hurt either ! We 've got our eye on the Honolulu Marathon on December 13th . So far , I 've been given some training tips from folks who have been there before ; my brother , Andrew , recommended I invest in high quality socks because he said he wore holes in his when training for a race last summer , and the guy running the clinic , Mike Flaherty , suggested that people can psych themselves out when they put a marathon on a pedestal - it is , after all , only a run . I 'm open to more advice , if you have it ! Stay tuned here for some new equipment reviews as we go along , and wish me luck , I 'm going to need it for the training alone ! If you enjoy running up endless hills under the hot Polynesian sun , ' The Grueler ' was probably not all that grueling , but if you don 't enjoy running up hills and actually haven 't seen a hill since you moved to Hawaii almost three months ago , then the run was very grueling . When we picked up our race packets on Friday , I learned that the course , unlike the 5K on Independence Day , would feature several hills … Ick . The first half of the race was almost entirely uphill with an occasional small plateau . After about a mile , the course wound through the woods on a narrow , single - file - only , trail . It turned out to be pretty great that the trail was so narrow because it provided for the occasional walk break when I got stuck behind someone else who was walking ! About halfway through the run , I was cursing myself for not seeking out some hills to practice on , and I was figuring that Don must feel pretty smug about going in early to work every now and again so that he could practice on the enormous hill atop which his work sits . After the course came out of the woods , it was all downhill . Thank god . Even with practice , Don still found the course pretty tough and admitted that he walked in a few places too . He managed to run well enough to get a medal for third in his age group with a time of 27 : 29 . I didn 't get a medal , but was pretty happy to finish with a time of 35 : 13 . We were both slower than in the last 5K , but those hills meant business ! There was a group of local high schoolers who are part of a cross country running team and who ran the race as practice . Their coach , who ran the race with them , said that the course was hard enough to add 7 minutes to their average 5K running time - which is 15 minutes , yes , FIFTEEN minutes - so that is a good indicator of how tough it was . I was relieved to know that it wasn 't all in my head , and I was even more relieved to cross the finish line . I 'm still in love with my Topo sneakers and Don is falling more in love with his Hoka sneakers every time he wears them . He said the extra cushioning was great for the steep downhill after the trail . I don 't see any more 5Ks on the horizon in the near future , but you never know when they 'll pop up ! Pip in MotionHealth & Mindfulness , Every Damn DayRather Be Runnin ' It 's true . I WOULD rather be running . 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We 're in the ER . In the middle of yumilicious pizza dinner from Tomato Pie , Pablo said that his bump hurt . So , we left Francine and Grady and the Three Bs - Beth , Butch and Bo - at the dining room table and ran to CHLA with Polly at our side . The concern was that his tumor may have ruptured . He went down the backyard slide rough a couple times before dinner . And the dogs bumped him a couple more . Two docs exammed Pablo , and determined that he 's OK . The pain could have been the chemo killing tumor cells ( they explained the exact science of it ; I 'm not gonna attempt to duplicate the info here lol ) . The main thing is , he said the pain had stopped , and all his vitals checked out . So , we 're in the green zone . Safe and sound . A funny aside about the doctors and nurses at CHLA that , I have to note , Jo Ann verbalized before I did ( don 't want to get myself in trouble ) : the majority of the medical professionals we 've dealt with are , in Jo Ann 's words , " hot . " Polly agreed . Immediately . And added that many of them have nice pants . I asked what I should title this post . Somebody said " Hot for doctor . " Pablo shouted out , " Hot for chicken . " And he wins ! When the doctor said " cancer , " Jo Ann and I thought that everything in our lives was going to change . It 's one of the few single words in any language that can send you reeling . A white noise overtakes your auditory senses , your heart drops to your ankles , and your stomach feels funny . Being human , you think two disparate things at once : 1 ] we are going to fight this SOB of a disease with all we 've got , and 2 ] what are we going to do ? how can this happening to him ? will he be able to go to his preschool graduation and his brother 's eighth grade graduation ? . . . basically , one giant " WTF ? " All of those thoughts were reasonable . It was also reasonable to let all the thoughts go just as fast as they came , to make room for reality . And the reality is that some of the past 14 days have been tough . But today , yesterday and the day before have been great . Especially today . It 's beautiful outside . Everyone 's in a great mood . We 've gotten a lot of stuff checked off our family " to do " list . When I got home from my ride , Grady had two friends over - Ruby and Hayley . They were hangin ' in his room , playing guitar , messing about on G 's laptop , and playing with Pablo . Jo Ann took Grady out shopping for a graduation suit . His graduation is Friday . What could be more fun for a mother than taking her firstborn son shopping for a suit that he 'll wear on such a special day ? ! Pablo and I hung back at the house . He wanted to watch " Anastasia " for the millionth time . It brings a smile to his face . I told him that if I pushed his nose , the movie would pause . So I pushed his little nose , and the movie paused . ( He didn 't notice that I was tapping the remote with my other hand . ) Then , he pushed his own nose . The movie stopped . He B U S T E D out laughing . One more push on the nose - the movie kicked back in . More laughter . " It 's maaaaagic , Papa ! " Is he going to end up in a therapist 's chair over this in 20 years ? I don 't even care . It brought some belly laughs for both of us . He needs it more than he will ever know . After the sleight - of - remote aat Jeff and Michael Ward this morning on Big Tujunga Road in the San Gabriel Mountains . I woke up at 6 a . m . Pablo , Jo Ann and Grady were still asleep . Our second night in a row of good , solid sleep . What a simple gift . Seeing them asleep as I left our bedroom made me happy . After eating a quick breakfast , I got on the bike and went out to meet Michael Ward at Travel Town in Griffith Park . Michael and I have known one another for about a year , and due to schedule conflicts , we 've never ridden together . Michael is the guitarist in Ben Harper 's band the Innocent Criminals , and has been in The Wallflowers and School of Fish ( I was fired from my college radio show for repeatedly playing their B - side " Greatest Living Englishman , " which unbeknownst to me , had a naughty word in it ! ) He is also the author of the great children 's book " Mike and the Bike " - a fave of Pablo 's . He has a new book coming out soon - " Mike and the Bike Meet Lucile The Wheel . " Can 't wait to snuggle up with P and read that one . Anyway , when Michael got word of Pablo 's cancer , he sent me a note saying the words we 've heard from so , so many people : " Anything I can do , just ask . " I had an immediate request of him : LET ' S RIDE DUDE ! Getting out on a bike is like nothing else for me . It 's a physically grueling cosmic cleansing - two things both Jo Ann and I need these days . For realz . I keep stressing that we 've both been told by the doctors that need to be sound of mind and sound of body in order to make it through this marathon of Pablo 's treatment . The bike does both for me . Jo Ann finds this with Bikram Yoga , which she is going to do in the morning . We are keeping one another going in this respect . Sometimes , we just want to lay on the couch And . Do . Nothing . Back to mt ride with Michael : he and I immediately set it up for 7 a . m . Saturday . The destination was the San Gabriel Mountain range . We both wanted to hit it hard , and then get home to our families . I was really looking forward to this ride , and getting to know Michael better while as we pedaled our w12 : 48 : 00 PM Take one look at these photos and you know we 're having a good night tonight . . . . " Toe " is one of Pablo 's fave words . And just look at how happy he is to see his toes in Papa 's Photo Booth program ! Clare Crespo and her hubby James Chinlund and their cute - as - a - button daughter Ruby did a drive - by this evening to drop off DVDs of her new kids ' cooking show " Yummyfun Cooking . " The DVDs are hot off the press . She ran them over so her little friend Pablo could laugh . SO SWEET ! By the way , Pablo calls it the " Clare Crespo Show . " And that makes him laugh . Seriously , he giggles his butt off when he says it ! Oh , wait - here is a message from our little trooper himself ( he is typing everything after the colon , and requested rainbow type treatment on the first line ) : asdfghjklpabloOK - Papa is taking the reins again . . . . We want you to know that we can FEEL your love at 1830 . All your gifts , phone calls , emails , meals and meals and meals and offers of support could fill the Silver Lake that looms outside our windows . NIght - night . Sweet dreams to you and yours . More post - age tomorrow . A giant note of gratitude has to be paid to Jo Ann 's mom , Particia a / k / a Nana . She and Harry flew out from Houston immediately , and she stayed on when Harry flew back for work on Monday . Nana has helped us do soooo many things around here - rearranging rooms , cleaning the casa from top to bottom , staying up late with us and Pablo - all kinds of stuff . Patricia brings a sense of security for both Jo Ann and me . Of course , she has the same effect on on the kidz ! Her motherly / grandmotherly skill of organizing and simplifying things in and around our house is unparalleled in our lives . She keeps us calm , and keeps us laughing . Patricia was born and raised in New Orleans ( she 's fourth generation Louisianian ! ) and has a million Southern sayings and phrases . We LOVE it when she busts out a good one ! ! ! ! ! And she keeps us full of good ol ' New Orleans Community Coffee . Nana is flying home this afternoon . She left a house full of contractors working on her place , and has to get back to check up on those dudes . We will miss her , and look forward to her return at the end of June when she comes back for Pablo 's surgery . Bye - bye Nana ! xoxo It 's a good morning for us in Pabloland . Which means we had a good night 's sleep , without any sneaky fevers or calls to the hospital . Pablo woke up with a slight headache , but it went away when he at breakfast . No contractors scheduled for today . Grady 's with us for the weekend . We 're looking forward to a good , fun weekend . The past 24 hours has been tough . I had every intention of going to my class last night - but as I was going to leave , I did one more check on Pablo and his fever had spiked . . . AGAIN . Here 's the basic protocol for an after hours fever : Call the on - call oncologist at the hospital . If there is a fever over 101 degrees , you need to get to the ED ( Emergency Dept ) and get checked out . . . They access the port , draw blood and start an antibiotic drip . The antibiotic is a 12 - 24 hour bacteria killer , and they like to follow up the next day with another dose . So , you call the urgent care department at the clinic in the morning and let them know about your evening , and they schedule you in for a follow - up . In our case , on our Wednesday morning follow - up , we were not given an antibiotic because Pablo 's fever had subsided and it had been deemed viral . They did the blood tests and all of his counts were good . They did a urine test ( to make sure there was no infection in his kidneys ) and everything came back negative . By Wednesday night , Pablo 's fever was back up - 103 degrees . I called the hospital and spoke with the on - call oncologist , Dr . Davidson . She was amazing and soothing , because at this point , I was a bit of a wreck . . . and being new to all of this , I was scared . She told us to prepare to come to the hospital , but give her 10 minutes to call our oncologist , Dr . Mascarenhas . She called back and told us we could stay at home and give Pablo Tylenol , but to call her if the fever continued . Of course , we didn 't have Tylenol in the house and Motrin is not good for Pablo because it can affect his platelets ( who knew ? ) . So off the drugstore with my mom . . . . After Pablo 's warm bath , we gave him the grape flavored goo which he resisted , but eventually swallowed down . He went to sleep in our bed and continued to cook . And , I mean COOK . My mom and I changed his drenched shirt three times over the course of a few hours . We wokehim to take another dose of Tylenol at 11 : 15 p . m . Pablo was so mad at me for waking him - he refused to take the mat For a little body going through chemo , germs are a serious matter . The more we can keep Pablo away from colds , flus , etc , the better . For the rest of us , getting even a tiny cold could diminish our energy and our ability to contribute around the house . And would put us on a quarantine from our little dude . Not happening ! Of all the changes that 've taken place around here in the past 12 days , the increased presence of sterile stuff is the most noticeable . Every room in the house now has a portable HEPA air purifier whirring in the background . There are hand sanitizers , bleach wipes and face masks of all stripes all over the house and in our cars . Today , I had the boys from Precision Air over to install a massive HEPA filter on the main air intake for our HVAC system . The thing as a nine - inch - thick HEPA filter AND a UV light to blast germs before they enter the ducts . This thing is straight outta NASA 's Jet Propulsion Laboratory up in La Canada . We are not messing around up in this piece ! Matt was our first employee at Dangerbird , back in 2004 . He started out as my assistant , and has worked his way up to head of marketing . On his first day , I was headed to Chicago for an extended period , to be with my brother , Scott . Pablo 's cancer is vastly different from what Scott had , but let 's just say Matt 's been through this with us before . For years now , my partner Peter and I talk to Matt a hundred times a day . He works with Jo Ann on all our videos . He has seen Pablo grow from a six - month - old baby , and Grady from a fourth grader ; 19 days ago , he saw the birth of Peter and Brie 's beautiful boy , Lennon . Matt is as much a part of O . G . Dangerbird as the crane we fly on our flag . Peter and I view Dangerbird - the staff , the artists , the companies we work with - as family . It 's not just a word to us . It 's a living , breathing reality . At times like this , we actually feel that family thing kick into high gear . With Lennon coming into the world exactly a week before Pablo 's diagnosis , things have been , well , eventful around our office lately ! Knowing that Matt is the Captain Jack Sparrow of HMS Dangerbird is a sweet , sweet thing . at Pablo is famous for snagging the camera , and shooting pics of the dogs , Mommy 's butt , the walls - all kinds of stuff that 's at his height . And there are always , like , a hundred pics of each item he shoots lol ! Last night , he added to his repertoire photographing his movies on TV ! A snap from his first exhibit is above . It 's from " Anastasia . " Hilarious ! at Pablo woke up with a temp of 102 . Jo Ann called the docs at CHLA , and they want to see him again . This will be our third time there in 30 hours . Whatever it takes to keep our little trooper safe and healthy . The docs want to check him out thoroughly , in person , to be sure there 's no infection in his body . Infection in a cancer patient , especially a pint - sized one , is not good . Period . OK , keeping it short for now . Will post more from the hosp . The first paragraph is what I think about this whole thing , and the second is my perspective on what happened last night . . . . Check it out ! ! This whole experience has been a life changing and informing experience of my life and of many others as well . Although I will probably have a lot more of these adventures and downfalls to come , I have learned how to react , explain , and to comfort , in this case , Pablo . You would be surprised how brave this little boy has been , and is . This dilemma has been harder , I think , for us , the family , than it has been for him . Maybe it 's a lesson or a warning for us , but I am living in the present moment and that 's where I am staying and worrying about . On Tuesday night I was sleeping on our couch upstairs ( Nana was sleeping in my bedroom ) . I went to sleep around 11 : 45 . I was awoken from a deep sleep at 12 : 45 a . m . by Pablo , who was saying , " NO NO , I am still sleeping - STOP ! " I thought Pablo was just getting his medicine , and it was nothing to worry about . But then I heard Jeff ( Papa ) saying , " Get your shoes on Mommy and Pablo - quick . " That is what drew me out of bed , to ask , " What 's wrong and where are you going ? " ( I was still 3 / 4 asleep . ) What i heard was , " high fever " and " hospital . " The next thing I knew , that they were gone and I was standing there , still trying to process what they were saying as they left . ( I stayed home with Nana . ) I went back to sleep and was going in and out of sleep about 20 minutes at a time . Around 3 : 30 a . m . I saw Pablo 's face appear above me . He said , " HEY , WE ' RE BACK . COME EAT BREAKFAST ! " So I got up and had a little midnight snack with my bro and Jeff ( Papa ) . Jeff asked me to find myself a ride to school in the morning without waking them up . I succeeded in that task , thanks to our dear friends the LaSalles lol ! ! ! YEAH ! ! Not much new to report mid - morning . Pablo just woke up . He slept very well after getting home from the hospital . His temp is 100 . 7 . Good thing we 're headed back to the Oncology Clinic at 1 p . m . This is a family fave . We call it Yoga Toes . What else would you call it ? Is this one called Bubble Beard ? Or Soap Beard ? Whatever , this one helped us get into Pasadena Waldorf School for sure . First day of school this year . September 2007 . On the roof at Dangerbird HQ . Why don 't they make shirts like that for adults ? Ready to ride with cousin Isabella in Chicago , summer of ' 07 , outside Intelligentsia on Randolph Street . We were there for Lollapalloza . I swear we saw Lance Armstrong riding on the Lakefront bike path . It was hard to tell , cos we passed him so fast . . . . Jo Ann just woke up , grabbed the phone and called the CHLA Oncology Clinic . We need to bring Pablo back in for a follow - up to last night 's fever . The appointment is set for 1 p . m . I am going into the office today for the first time since all this started . Gonna get there early ; I 've been on email for nearly two hours already , so I 've hit the ground running . I 'll make my way to the hospital , for 1 : 15 or 1 : 30 . Our office is in Hollywood , just two miles from the hospital ( CHLA is the exact midpoint between office and home ) . I 've never been happier about my proximity to that hospital or home . Man , it would be great if CHLA offered monthly parking passes . . . . More later . at Jo Ann came to bed just before midnight . Pablo and I were down for the count , but I woke up when Jo Ann came in . I could feel the heat emanating from Pablo 's body when I woke . Jo Ann felt him , and noticed the same . She grabbed the thermometer and popped in his sleeping mouth . He was 101 degrees . They have drilled into our heads that fever is very serious , that we can 't take a wait - and - see position , and even a small fever is a fever . We have been instructed to call the hospital and speak to on - duty oncologist in the event of even the slightest temp escalation . Jo Ann was knee - deep with the doc in seconds . Still in bed , in the dark , I could tell something was up . I could hear her reciting our surname one letter at a time . This was our first fever call ; in the back of my mind , I think I was hoping the doc needed Pablo 's full name to fill out some paperwork , to document the call . I was wrong . Jo Ann hung up the phone and rushed into our room . " We have to get him to the ER right now , " she said . " The oncologist is calling us in right now . " ( This is significant , cos the last thing we want to do is sit in the waiting room . It 's nuts in there . ) We got dressed in seconds . Splitting duties , Jo Ann woke Pablo and got him upstairs . I ran up and grabbed the keys , the medical binder that J and her mom , Patricia had finished an hour before , and P 's Lidocaine , the creme that numbs the skin on top of his port . Jo Ann applied it in the car on our five minute drive to CHLA . We caught every green light down Silverlake Boulevard , and up Virgil Avenue . It was right out of a movie . Did I mention we got the CHLA in five minutes flat ? ! So , here we are in some off - the - path room in the ER . It 's cool , though , cos it 's a private room with walls , as opposed to a " bay " separated from other patients by a curtain . When we got here , a familiar face greeted us . It was the Stephanie Valenzuela , the nurse who worked with us the night of my birthday , when we first arrived here to have that bump looked at . That was before we officially became a Cancer Family . 2 : 38 : 00 AM Our boy , choosing tonight 's movie selection off Apple TV - world 's greatest invention for a child in Pablo 's shoes . Please note the Third Eye eyepatch , part of his pirate treasure box gift from Peter , Brie and Lennon ! Grady 's home from his weekend with his dad , Jimmy . When Grady 's away with his Poppy , Pablo kind of becomes an only child , and then switches back to his role as the little boy with an adoring big brother who is nine years older than him . It 's fascinating to see the excitement in both boys when their paths rejoin after Grady 's long weekends away . When I came home this afternoon , they were snuggled up together on the sofa . Life doesn 't get much better than that , for them or for us . This afternoon , this evening . . . . After a brief appearance at school , for circle time and to sing along with Carole , Pablo took a nap for a few hours . He is a bit warm , but nothing to worry about . Dinner went down well , and all his body functions ( if you know what I mean ) are working well . We have to take note these simple , ordinary things while he 's undergoing treatment . When Pablo announces he has to go potty , we all cheer . Two weeks ago , that would not have been the case . . . . Picture time ! Pablo 's so stoked to hang with his bro , I even got him to take some pix ! The dragon and the crane . The dragon runneth . " I 'm outta here , Papa . No more pictures ! Note Grady 's strong Waldorf Eurhythmy skillz - he didn 't move an inch ! When Pablo heard G and I laughing and loving the pix , he ran back in for a look - see . He ALWAYS does that lol ! Pablo at Santa Monica Beach a few months ago . Chemo treatment # 2 is knocked ooooouuuuuuttttttaaaaa the paaaaaark ! ! ! ! ! Only 16 more to go ! Today 's Oncology Clinic visit . It was cool to see Dr . Mascarenhas our oncologist . He is a sweet , gentle man , who has a way with children . It feels good to see the goodness in all the people who help us at the hospital . Feeling their care and expertise makes each minute in the hospital so much easier . The doc checked Pablo over - vitals , nodes , tummy , etc . All good . He did a rough external measurement of the big tumor using a paper tape measure over the skin of Pablo 's belly . Though it was an approximation only , he felt that the tumor was smaller . And it felt tougher to him - exactly what he was looking for on both counts . Jo Ann and I both felt that the bulge looked smaller as well , even though neither of us had said it to the other until Dr . M . measured it . We have both been trying to avoid hype talk , opting to stick with learning and becoming conversant in the facts of Pablo 's disease . So far , it 's feeling good . Let 's talk about chemo . Chemo . Everybody knows the term . We talk about it , hear about it all the time when someone around us has cancer . It 's this miracle drug that makes the patient feel yucky and rips through the body like a freight train . A necessary evil that can hurt as it helps . Until you find yourself in a situation where you 're exposed to what chemo actually is , it 's just this mythic thing . In our case , we didn 't know if chemo meant he 'd be hooked up to a machine , how long it would take or what it looked like . ( When my bro was sick , I was not in Chicago on his chemo days . ) In the spirit of sharing our experience , strength and hope - and the sights and sounds of our this whole game - we thought it 'd be helpful to show you exactly what Pablo 's chemo looks like . The picture above is a vial of the famous treatment . The one on the left is Vincristine , the actual chemo drug . That little tube took about 5 seconds to upload into Pablo 's chest port . Not bad ! It didn 't registat Good morning . A short post : we are off to the clinic for Pablo 's chemo treatment . It 's all we 've been able to think about since leaving the hospital . We just want to get the show on the road . As always , Pablo is in good spirits this morning . When we told him we were going back to the hospital , he was not happy . " But I don 't want to go back there , " he said . Totally get it . And as always , Jo Ann put it in suuuuuch a great way to him that he was all smiles a moment later . She told him , in a simple way , that the medicine was going to make his bump go away so he could play as hard as he wants to very , very soon . He got that ! OK , more later . And , as long as the boy allows it , we 'll have pix later today . Pablo channeling Johnny Depp channeling Keith Richards . Thanks to the Gevrikyan family - Hrach , Nevrik , Matthew and Angela - for the Cap ' n Jack Sparrow tricorne ' n ' dreadlock combo . It was an instant hit with Pirate Pablo . Hrach owns Velo Pasadena , Papa 's beloved bike shop , where Pablo speeds around 4 , 500 square feet on any training wheel bicicletta he wants . In fact , just hours before his diagnosis , Pablo was cruising around on a killer Specialized dirt bike with yellow lighning bolts on the seat and crank . A battle is won on the rocky waters of the Silver Lake . Jolly Roger is hung from the mast of HMS Play Structure . Pablo can 't get enough of Fred Gillich . Plain and simple . We will miss our dear friend Alfred after he leaves this evening . We 'll catch up with him in Milwaukee this summer , or back here in LA . To get a glimpse inside Fred 's dome , check out his pop culture blogospheric apparatus , thechignon . comOK , we 're off to bed . Sweet dreams . Buonanotte . Pablo has put a moratorium on photos - he 's over having his pic taken ! So here are some shots of Jo Ann and I getting our physical fitness in this morning , in preparation for tomorrow 's chemo treatment . It will be our first time going into the oncology clinic for outpatient chemo treatment , so we have no idea what to expect during and after . Tuesday is going to be allllll about Pablo - his comfort , his heart , his need to snuggle . . . Not too much different than every other day , but you know what I mean . BTW , before we get into the pix : we are having a great Memorial Day . Clare Crespo dropped off etouffee for dinner . How INSANE is that ? Can 't wait . OK , the pix : Jo Ann and Dorrie at the Silverlake Reservoir J and D with Chili , our yellow lab , and Beans , our flat - coat retrieverdoodle . Both dogs hail from New Orleans . Self - portrait from the road . Thought about looking H . A . R . D . Ultimately , I decided to smile . I was happy in this picture . Climbing this mountain is a helluva lot easier than what Pablo 's going through . This thought made my ride so much easier . My shadow self . at It has felt strange leaving Pablo . We 've talked about that . I normally ride my bike 250 miles a week , and Jo Ann does Bikram yoga every day . In order to get in the kinda miles I like to do , I have wake up early , to create more time in the day . Don 't want to be away from my family unnecessarily . This morning , I 'm up early . In a moment , I 'm off on two wheels to Angeles National Forest . If you know that area this will make sense ; if you don 't , now you know : gonna ride from our house in Silverlake to Sunland , climb all he way up Big Tujunga , to Angeles Forest Highway , to the Clear Creek Ranger station , and then drop down Angeles Crest in La Canada and home . Will snap some pics along the way for posting later . Jo Ann and Dorrie LaMarr are going out to walk to Reservoir at 8 : 45am . Exercise , the doctors have stressed , is going to help us physically and mentally . It 's SO hard to get out and do anything . But , tomorrow is treatment # 2 , so we need to get rockin today . Last night , feeling a bit odd about going out for more than an hour , I asked Pablo if he 'd be OK for me to go . He said yes , " As long as you brush your teeth . I never see you brush your teeth before you ride . " " But , Pablo , " I responded . " You 're asleep when i go out early in the morning . " " Oh yeah . But , Papa , just brush your teeth . " See you later . Jo Ann found this captivating photo late last night . Polly , Pablo and Mira O ' Brien , Pablo 's babysitter prior to Polly . Mira retired from munchkin duty to go to Yale grad school for painting . One of her paintings hangs in our TV room ( I 'll post pix later ) . She graduated this month , and we 're hoping to see her sooooooon ! Susan talks about letting our kids express their feelings through art . This afternoon , we received this beautiful expression on our doorstep . It arrived with a basket of organic strawberries . We send a missile of gratitude out to our strawberry fairy ! If you want to ID yerself , drop a comment ! Jeff has asked me to contribute my thoughts to this fantastic pablog and I am happy to do so . I was talking to Jeff yesterday about the last week 's journey and the road ahead . While we were talking , I was watching Pablo hop around on the couch with Fred , living in the moment . That is what 5 year olds do . This is not to say that Pablo is not tuned in to the shift in mood , experiences and his health over the last week . What he is not doing is worrying about the next few months ; 5 year olds do not do that . They are still sorting out the ideas of how today , yesterday tomorrow and in a minute works . The other part of communicating with a 5 year old is they are really smart and can memorize and repeat everything we say ( even the don 't - repeat - that - in - front - of - my - mother - in - law stuff ) . Just because children can repeat what we tell them , it doesn 't mean they understand what we mean . In child development one of the ways we gain better insight into what a child understands is by examining the child 's art for direction and understanding of what he or she is really thinking . When children are going through challenges of any kind their art can often guide you to understanding their perception of something . Their art often reveals their fears , their wishes and the most important things in their lives . I remember when we had a kitten die at birth ; my son was 5 at the time . The next day , he drew a picture with the mother cat , the live kitten and the dead kitten in the picture . The mother cat and living kitten were walking along the ground catching a bug . The dead kitten was with them only was in the air with a halo and wings flying above the mother cat , catching a bug . This told me what he understood that the dead kitten was an angelat Polly Harrison , our beloved babysitter , and a constant source of light in Pablo 's eyes , was planning to move back to Sacramento at the end of June . She has been with us for almost two years . Polly works with us part - time and works for another family in Pasadena when she 's not with us ( which is quite a lot of hours ) . On Sunday , I asked her if she could talk with her other family and see if she could scale back her hours with them and come on with us full time until she leaves for Sacramento . She had the whole thing worked out in minutes . . . . Knowing that Pablo 's treatment would be a long - term scenario , I started to feel the weight of Polly 's departure and how it would affect Pablo 's spirit ( he asks for her every day ) . I asked her if there was any possiblity that she could push her move for one month . Again , within moments , she agreed to stay in Los Angeles and changed her life plans to accommodate us and be with Pablo . Geez - really . . . how blessed are we ? One funny anecdote about Polly is that her fave band is the same as Jeff 's : The Smiths . Two of Jeff 's former management clients play in Morrissey 's band ; a few months ago , when the Moz played the Palladium , we felt t e r r i b l e asking her to babysit so we could go to the show . A total Cinderella story . We were going out to the last night at the fair , and she was stuck home , working . But just like that old fairytale , it all worked out . We laced her with tix for the next night , and she got to reel around the fountain . Left : The Chemo Barista . Right : White Blood Cells , by The White Stripes . Read on to unlock the mystery . Hi everyone . Another post from Jo Ann ( with a little sprinkle of Jeff ) , covering the background on Wilm 's Tumors , and the spec on Pablo 's treats - ment . Pablo 's treatment and schedule : After we had our CT scan to see if there was any cancer anywhere else and it came back clean , we decided - with or oncologist , Dr . Leo Mascarenhas and a nod from Dr . Michael Jensen , the head of pediatric oncology at City of Hope ( who is parent at Grady 's school ) - to start Pablo on chemotherapy treatment right away . Everyone agreed a biopsy was pointless . It would prolong the start of chemo . And the docs knew what he had , so there was no need to put his little body through an invasive surgery and recovery at that stage . This is what I know about Wilm 's Tumor : there are two kinds : a good one and a bad one . The good one is the most common . Wilm 's Tumor can be found on only one kidney , or it can be bilateral - both kidneys . Bilateral is rare , and THAT IS WHAT OUR PABLO HAS . Of all the bilateral Wilm 's Tumors out there , it is extremely rare for bilateral tumors to be the bad ones . The docs kept stressing they didn 't want to talk about Pablo as if he were a number ( ie , getting into statistic talk ) . But some of the stats are welcome and helpful . One of the key metrics in the Wilm 's game is that almost all of the bilateral tumors take to chemo like a champ . This is a simple goal post to hang onto when thinking about Pablo 's condition . SO - we are moving forward as if his tumors are the good ones . This is our best case scenario and we are asking everyone to hold that in their daily prayers , meditations and thoughts . Our treatment plan : • Chemo for six weeks . This Tuesday will be week two . • CT scan on June 26 to see that the tumors are responding to the chemo . • If that checks out , we will head into surgery to remove BOTH tumors and save as much of BOTH kidneys as possible . • Then , we follow up with 12 more weeks of chemo . The actual chemo c12 : 34 : 00 PM One week . . . Dang - one heck of a week . Jeff has been asking me to write something all week and I have just been having such a hard time . I do not have that gift - writing . . . I 've got the gift of gab . . . always have , even before I kissed the Blarney Stone . But , I do have the mommy 's perspective on this past week - - and I want to share that . On Saturday May 17 , Jeff and I did what we call the " divide and conquer . " Jeff went on his big 75 mile Saturday morning ride and I hung out with the kids . . . . We hooked up in Pasadena , where Jeff and our friend Tony Hoffer grabbed Pablo ; Grady and I headed to Sierra Madre to WORK . That 's right . . . Saturday was Grady 's big music video shoot for his 8th grade project ( he finished the edit two nights ago - we 'll be premiering the vid in a few days here on the Pablog ) . Grady chose The History of Music Videos and MTV for his written report and chose to direct a music video for his artistic element . Early in the school year , he asked our good friend , Scott Henriksen ( cinematographer extraordinaire ) , to be his mentor . . . and Saturday was the day for Grady to head out with his A - List DP to shoot his friends ' band , The Conscripts ( temporary name ) . I can 't even get into how much fun we had shooting . It was awesome . . . Grady and Scott were a great team ! After the shoot , we came home for a quick change before heading out to Jeff 's birthday dinner at Malo . As soon as we walked in , Jeff asked me to look at Pablo 's tummy . My reaction was instant . I know Dr . Fleiss ' number by heart , so I grabbed the phone and paged him . Then , I called our dear friend Brie Grousbeck - she is the wife of Jeff 's business partner , Peter Walker , and is also a DOCTOR ! She had just given birth days earlier to their gorgeous son , Lennon . I started describing what I was seeing on Pablo 's belly . She spoke to me in her usual amazing , calm way . Whatever she said , there was something in her voice that told me to get in front of a doctor right away . . . Fleiss ' office beeps in . It 's Miriam , Fleiss ' nurse - practitioner . Within five at a comment now . you don 't have to have a google account or any other blog account to send my main meng , jackton sparrow , some lovey lovey comments on the posts . GO FOR IT ! Pablo is spending the night with Nana and Boo at the Kyoto Hotel downtown ( formerly New Otani ) . Jo Ann and I are hanging at home with Fred and Polly , Pablo 's nanny , watching " Singles " on Apple TV . It 's a big night for Pablo . He 's seen his big bro Grady go off to the fairytale land of hotel hot tubs and room service for years . Whenever Jo Ann 's parents are in town , we know Grady 's packing his bag . Now Pablo 's getting a piece of the action . The little gremlin taking up temporary residency inside him tummy was not gonna squash his excitement for the hotel rendezvous with Nana and Boo . Under normal circumstances , we 'd be just as excited to let the ' rents take over on kiddie duty for the night . Tonight was not so easy . I had a hard time agreeing to it . Our snuggly nights in bed with Pablo have become ever more important to me , and to Jo Ann . More than that , we just want to be with him all . the . time . I went for a bike ride today and didn 't stop regretting leaving him . Anyway . . . . soon , after the initial intensity and focus fades away , and we get into the swing of things , we 'll be grateful to have had this night off . And we 'll be glad that we green lit Pablo 's away night with Harry and Patricia . It 's just . . . so . . . different now . Everyone keeps reminding us we 're running a marathon , not a sprint . We just don 't want this experience to turn into some ' Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner ' stuff . All the help that all YOU are giving us right now is helping to pace us as we get into this phase of life . What we 're working on today and tomorrow is sorting out the house , particularly to make the areas Pablo will be in as comfy and clean as possible . Still , it 's strange and odd and more than anything I keep thinking that any minute I 'm going to get a glass of cold water in the face and somebody is going to wake me from the dream . I often don 't know how I feel until I write . So this blog is helping to keep me sane and decompressed . On ' Singles ' : Nobody has mentioned it , but kickin ' it old skool is strangely comforting to all of uat Scooby and Pablo kneeling at the Noguchi altar , eyes locked on the telly . Scoob couldn 't believe the doo - rag coincidence when he turned up this morning . A little back story on Pirate Scooby : Pablo has never seen the toon Scooby Doo . He only knows this guy from going over to his friend Eli 's house . Every time we go over to hang with Eli - and his parents Scott and Helen - Pablo makes a bee - line for El Pirate Scoob . When Eli heard Pablo was sick , he immediately asked his mommy to bring his Pirate Scooby to him . Beyond sweet . Thanks Eli ! Pablo is feeling great for three days running . SUCH great news . we know we have a long path ahead , and we are stoked to have some emotional , if not meteorological , sunshine today , leading up to his next chemo treatment on tuesday . finding joy and contentment in small , simple things is one way to stay sane today . something along the lines of : chop wood , carry water , pat belly , rub head ( more on head rubbing below ) . we know from my brother scott 's treatment , there are good days and bad days , great weeks and great runs . there are also days when plans have to be scrapped at the last minute . plans for simple things like going to the park , or for a coffee . plans for a summer holiday . one of the countless gifts scott gave us was the experience , strength and hope . now that we are in our new reality as a cancer family , we 're kind of know how to roll . one of the many reasons i am so dedicated to this blog is for this very reason : to s h a r e our experience with all of you . If our experience could ever help you , or someone you know , well , here it is . as i write this , pablo is snuggling with fred on the couch . they are sitting next to me watching ' pirates of the carribean 3 . ' pablo is stoked . he loves fred : loves rubbing on his bald head , loves asking him a million questions about the movie and loves just b e i n g with him . i just reaized this - it might have something to do with the fact that , without his gnomie beard , fred looks like another hero of children the world over : author and poet laureate shel silverstein ! ! ! ! of all the people pablo gets shy with , fred is not one of them . i remember meeting fred the first day of high school , in september 1986 . i had that same easy feeling about him : " this dude is my friend . " i have never had a strong urge to rub his head or snuggle with him , but after 22 years of friendship , i know i could give the dome a good rub if i had to ! at G ' mornin ' from our house to yours . Another solid night 's sleep ! We took a few g ' mornin ' pics , each one telling a different story from our little trooper : " OK , one picture ? I can be happy about that ! Maybe I 'll eat some pancakes again for brekkie . . . . " " AAAAnether picture ? ? ? UUUUUUHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! PUH - leeeeeeze ! " " OK , this is the last one ! I 'm not even gonna do a real smile . . . And no matter what , I 'm bolting when he 's done with this one ! " We are introducing the new pablove . org web address . It 's not only easy to remember , but ties together two powerful themes : Pablo and Love . How cool is it that the two words go together so easily ? Please bookmark it in your browser , and PASS IT AROUND ! When you get to this page , all you have to do is click the type that says CLICK HERE FOR PABLO ' S BLOG , and you 'll land on the existing Pablog . We 're doing this so we can introduce something else new to our fight and light campaign : PABLOVE bracelets ! ! ! ! We thought this would be a cool way to engage the kids and adults - wearing the bracelet makes us all feel like we are doing something . At least this is how I felt wearing my Livestrong bracelet when my brother was sick . It felt to me that wearing it was a statement of intention , a marker in the sand , a statement of unity and consciousness . Whatever and however one feels , it sure doesn 't hurt . Especially with the amount of kiddies in our midst . You will see one when you go to the page - they are beautiful ! ! ! And they will be in our hands in 14 days ! ! ! ! ! They happen to look a lot like the LIVESTRONG bracelet , because yellow happens to be Pablo 's fave color . There will be a mix of sizes , including plenty of kids ' sizes . Jo Ann is coming up with a specific charity centered around pediatric cancer or Wilm 's Tumor treatment and research that she will be asking people to donate to as the bracelets make their way into the world . We 'll get that info out when the gear arrives . Jo Ann and Pablo are in the tub . Our nights are getting later and later , now that P has started napping for two or three hours in the late afternoon . And today , he went nuts on the new play structure for 45 minutes after the nap . We know that there might be some tougher days ahead , so we are filled with gratitude for the ease of the moment . OK , I 'm off to LAX to pick up our friend Fred . He 's coming in from Milwaukee . We 've been friends since the first day of high school . I love him , we love him , and Pablo loves him . In fact , he is entranced by Fred ! By Fred 's owat

We 're in the ER . In the middle of yumilicious pizza dinner from Tomato Pie , Pablo said that his bump hurt . So , we left Francine and Grady and the Three Bs - Beth , Butch and Bo - at the dining room table and ran to CHLA with Polly at our side . The concern was that his tumor may have ruptured . He went down the backyard slide rough a couple times before dinner . And the dogs bumped him a couple more . Two docs exammed Pablo , and determined that he 's OK . The pain could have been the chemo killing tumor cells ( they explained the exact science of it ; I 'm not gonna attempt to duplicate the info here lol ) . The main thing is , he said the pain had stopped , and all his vitals checked out . So , we 're in the green zone . Safe and sound . A funny aside about the doctors and nurses at CHLA that , I have to note , Jo Ann verbalized before I did ( don 't want to get myself in trouble ) : the majority of the medical professionals we 've dealt with are , in Jo Ann 's words , " hot . " Polly agreed . Immediately . And added that many of them have nice pants . I asked what I should title this post . Somebody said " Hot for doctor . " Pablo shouted out , " Hot for chicken . " And he wins ! When the doctor said " cancer , " Jo Ann and I thought that everything in our lives was going to change . It 's one of the few single words in any language that can send you reeling . A white noise overtakes your auditory senses , your heart drops to your ankles , and your stomach feels funny . Being human , you think two disparate things at once : 1 ] we are going to fight this SOB of a disease with all we 've got , and 2 ] what are we going to do ? how can this happening to him ? will he be able to go to his preschool graduation and his brother 's eighth grade graduation ? . . . basically , one giant " WTF ? " All of those thoughts were reasonable . It was also reasonable to let all the thoughts go just as fast as they came , to make room for reality . And the reality is that some of the past 14 days have been tough . But today , yesterday and the day before have been great . Especially today . It 's beautiful outside . Everyone 's in a great mood . We 've gotten a lot of stuff checked off our family " to do " list . When I got home from my ride , Grady had two friends over - Ruby and Hayley . They were hangin ' in his room , playing guitar , messing about on G 's laptop , and playing with Pablo . Jo Ann took Grady out shopping for a graduation suit . His graduation is Friday . What could be more fun for a mother than taking her firstborn son shopping for a suit that he 'll wear on such a special day ? ! Pablo and I hung back at the house . He wanted to watch " Anastasia " for the millionth time . It brings a smile to his face . I told him that if I pushed his nose , the movie would pause . So I pushed his little nose , and the movie paused . ( He didn 't notice that I was tapping the remote with my other hand . ) Then , he pushed his own nose . The movie stopped . He B U S T E D out laughing . One more push on the nose - the movie kicked back in . More laughter . " It 's maaaaagic , Papa ! " Is he going to end up in a therapist 's chair over this in 20 years ? I don 't even care . It brought some belly laughs for both of us . He needs it more than he will ever know . After the sleight - of - remote aat Jeff and Michael Ward this morning on Big Tujunga Road in the San Gabriel Mountains . I woke up at 6 a . m . Pablo , Jo Ann and Grady were still asleep . Our second night in a row of good , solid sleep . What a simple gift . Seeing them asleep as I left our bedroom made me happy . After eating a quick breakfast , I got on the bike and went out to meet Michael Ward at Travel Town in Griffith Park . Michael and I have known one another for about a year , and due to schedule conflicts , we 've never ridden together . Michael is the guitarist in Ben Harper 's band the Innocent Criminals , and has been in The Wallflowers and School of Fish ( I was fired from my college radio show for repeatedly playing their B - side " Greatest Living Englishman , " which unbeknownst to me , had a naughty word in it ! ) He is also the author of the great children 's book " Mike and the Bike " - a fave of Pablo 's . He has a new book coming out soon - " Mike and the Bike Meet Lucile The Wheel . " Can 't wait to snuggle up with P and read that one . Anyway , when Michael got word of Pablo 's cancer , he sent me a note saying the words we 've heard from so , so many people : " Anything I can do , just ask . " I had an immediate request of him : LET ' S RIDE DUDE ! Getting out on a bike is like nothing else for me . It 's a physically grueling cosmic cleansing - two things both Jo Ann and I need these days . For realz . I keep stressing that we 've both been told by the doctors that need to be sound of mind and sound of body in order to make it through this marathon of Pablo 's treatment . The bike does both for me . Jo Ann finds this with Bikram Yoga , which she is going to do in the morning . We are keeping one another going in this respect . Sometimes , we just want to lay on the couch And . Do . Nothing . Back to mt ride with Michael : he and I immediately set it up for 7 a . m . Saturday . The destination was the San Gabriel Mountain range . We both wanted to hit it hard , and then get home to our families . I was really looking forward to this ride , and getting to know Michael better while as we pedaled our w12 : 48 : 00 PM Take one look at these photos and you know we 're having a good night tonight . . . . " Toe " is one of Pablo 's fave words . And just look at how happy he is to see his toes in Papa 's Photo Booth program ! Clare Crespo and her hubby James Chinlund and their cute - as - a - button daughter Ruby did a drive - by this evening to drop off DVDs of her new kids ' cooking show " Yummyfun Cooking . " The DVDs are hot off the press . She ran them over so her little friend Pablo could laugh . SO SWEET ! By the way , Pablo calls it the " Clare Crespo Show . " And that makes him laugh . Seriously , he giggles his butt off when he says it ! Oh , wait - here is a message from our little trooper himself ( he is typing everything after the colon , and requested rainbow type treatment on the first line ) : asdfghjklpabloOK - Papa is taking the reins again . . . . We want you to know that we can FEEL your love at 1830 . All your gifts , phone calls , emails , meals and meals and meals and offers of support could fill the Silver Lake that looms outside our windows . NIght - night . Sweet dreams to you and yours . More post - age tomorrow . A giant note of gratitude has to be paid to Jo Ann 's mom , Particia a / k / a Nana . She and Harry flew out from Houston immediately , and she stayed on when Harry flew back for work on Monday . Nana has helped us do soooo many things around here - rearranging rooms , cleaning the casa from top to bottom , staying up late with us and Pablo - all kinds of stuff . Patricia brings a sense of security for both Jo Ann and me . Of course , she has the same effect on on the kidz ! Her motherly / grandmotherly skill of organizing and simplifying things in and around our house is unparalleled in our lives . She keeps us calm , and keeps us laughing . Patricia was born and raised in New Orleans ( she 's fourth generation Louisianian ! ) and has a million Southern sayings and phrases . We LOVE it when she busts out a good one ! ! ! ! ! And she keeps us full of good ol ' New Orleans Community Coffee . Nana is flying home this afternoon . She left a house full of contractors working on her place , and has to get back to check up on those dudes . We will miss her , and look forward to her return at the end of June when she comes back for Pablo 's surgery . Bye - bye Nana ! xoxo It 's a good morning for us in Pabloland . Which means we had a good night 's sleep , without any sneaky fevers or calls to the hospital . Pablo woke up with a slight headache , but it went away when he at breakfast . No contractors scheduled for today . Grady 's with us for the weekend . We 're looking forward to a good , fun weekend . The past 24 hours has been tough . I had every intention of going to my class last night - but as I was going to leave , I did one more check on Pablo and his fever had spiked . . . AGAIN . Here 's the basic protocol for an after hours fever : Call the on - call oncologist at the hospital . If there is a fever over 101 degrees , you need to get to the ED ( Emergency Dept ) and get checked out . . . They access the port , draw blood and start an antibiotic drip . The antibiotic is a 12 - 24 hour bacteria killer , and they like to follow up the next day with another dose . So , you call the urgent care department at the clinic in the morning and let them know about your evening , and they schedule you in for a follow - up . In our case , on our Wednesday morning follow - up , we were not given an antibiotic because Pablo 's fever had subsided and it had been deemed viral . They did the blood tests and all of his counts were good . They did a urine test ( to make sure there was no infection in his kidneys ) and everything came back negative . By Wednesday night , Pablo 's fever was back up - 103 degrees . I called the hospital and spoke with the on - call oncologist , Dr . Davidson . She was amazing and soothing , because at this point , I was a bit of a wreck . . . and being new to all of this , I was scared . She told us to prepare to come to the hospital , but give her 10 minutes to call our oncologist , Dr . Mascarenhas . She called back and told us we could stay at home and give Pablo Tylenol , but to call her if the fever continued . Of course , we didn 't have Tylenol in the house and Motrin is not good for Pablo because it can affect his platelets ( who knew ? ) . So off the drugstore with my mom . . . . After Pablo 's warm bath , we gave him the grape flavored goo which he resisted , but eventually swallowed down . He went to sleep in our bed and continued to cook . And , I mean COOK . My mom and I changed his drenched shirt three times over the course of a few hours . We wokehim to take another dose of Tylenol at 11 : 15 p . m . Pablo was so mad at me for waking him - he refused to take the mat For a little body going through chemo , germs are a serious matter . The more we can keep Pablo away from colds , flus , etc , the better . For the rest of us , getting even a tiny cold could diminish our energy and our ability to contribute around the house . And would put us on a quarantine from our little dude . Not happening ! Of all the changes that 've taken place around here in the past 12 days , the increased presence of sterile stuff is the most noticeable . Every room in the house now has a portable HEPA air purifier whirring in the background . There are hand sanitizers , bleach wipes and face masks of all stripes all over the house and in our cars . Today , I had the boys from Precision Air over to install a massive HEPA filter on the main air intake for our HVAC system . The thing as a nine - inch - thick HEPA filter AND a UV light to blast germs before they enter the ducts . This thing is straight outta NASA 's Jet Propulsion Laboratory up in La Canada . We are not messing around up in this piece ! Matt was our first employee at Dangerbird , back in 2004 . He started out as my assistant , and has worked his way up to head of marketing . On his first day , I was headed to Chicago for an extended period , to be with my brother , Scott . Pablo 's cancer is vastly different from what Scott had , but let 's just say Matt 's been through this with us before . For years now , my partner Peter and I talk to Matt a hundred times a day . He works with Jo Ann on all our videos . He has seen Pablo grow from a six - month - old baby , and Grady from a fourth grader ; 19 days ago , he saw the birth of Peter and Brie 's beautiful boy , Lennon . Matt is as much a part of O . G . Dangerbird as the crane we fly on our flag . Peter and I view Dangerbird - the staff , the artists , the companies we work with - as family . It 's not just a word to us . It 's a living , breathing reality . At times like this , we actually feel that family thing kick into high gear . With Lennon coming into the world exactly a week before Pablo 's diagnosis , things have been , well , eventful around our office lately ! Knowing that Matt is the Captain Jack Sparrow of HMS Dangerbird is a sweet , sweet thing . at Pablo is famous for snagging the camera , and shooting pics of the dogs , Mommy 's butt , the walls - all kinds of stuff that 's at his height . And there are always , like , a hundred pics of each item he shoots lol ! Last night , he added to his repertoire photographing his movies on TV ! A snap from his first exhibit is above . It 's from " Anastasia . " Hilarious ! at Pablo woke up with a temp of 102 . Jo Ann called the docs at CHLA , and they want to see him again . This will be our third time there in 30 hours . Whatever it takes to keep our little trooper safe and healthy . The docs want to check him out thoroughly , in person , to be sure there 's no infection in his body . Infection in a cancer patient , especially a pint - sized one , is not good . Period . OK , keeping it short for now . Will post more from the hosp . The first paragraph is what I think about this whole thing , and the second is my perspective on what happened last night . . . . Check it out ! ! This whole experience has been a life changing and informing experience of my life and of many others as well . Although I will probably have a lot more of these adventures and downfalls to come , I have learned how to react , explain , and to comfort , in this case , Pablo . You would be surprised how brave this little boy has been , and is . This dilemma has been harder , I think , for us , the family , than it has been for him . Maybe it 's a lesson or a warning for us , but I am living in the present moment and that 's where I am staying and worrying about . On Tuesday night I was sleeping on our couch upstairs ( Nana was sleeping in my bedroom ) . I went to sleep around 11 : 45 . I was awoken from a deep sleep at 12 : 45 a . m . by Pablo , who was saying , " NO NO , I am still sleeping - STOP ! " I thought Pablo was just getting his medicine , and it was nothing to worry about . But then I heard Jeff ( Papa ) saying , " Get your shoes on Mommy and Pablo - quick . " That is what drew me out of bed , to ask , " What 's wrong and where are you going ? " ( I was still 3 / 4 asleep . ) What i heard was , " high fever " and " hospital . " The next thing I knew , that they were gone and I was standing there , still trying to process what they were saying as they left . ( I stayed home with Nana . ) I went back to sleep and was going in and out of sleep about 20 minutes at a time . Around 3 : 30 a . m . I saw Pablo 's face appear above me . He said , " HEY , WE ' RE BACK . COME EAT BREAKFAST ! " So I got up and had a little midnight snack with my bro and Jeff ( Papa ) . Jeff asked me to find myself a ride to school in the morning without waking them up . I succeeded in that task , thanks to our dear friends the LaSalles lol ! ! ! YEAH ! ! Not much new to report mid - morning . Pablo just woke up . He slept very well after getting home from the hospital . His temp is 100 . 7 . Good thing we 're headed back to the Oncology Clinic at 1 p . m . This is a family fave . We call it Yoga Toes . What else would you call it ? Is this one called Bubble Beard ? Or Soap Beard ? Whatever , this one helped us get into Pasadena Waldorf School for sure . First day of school this year . September 2007 . On the roof at Dangerbird HQ . Why don 't they make shirts like that for adults ? Ready to ride with cousin Isabella in Chicago , summer of ' 07 , outside Intelligentsia on Randolph Street . We were there for Lollapalloza . I swear we saw Lance Armstrong riding on the Lakefront bike path . It was hard to tell , cos we passed him so fast . . . . Jo Ann just woke up , grabbed the phone and called the CHLA Oncology Clinic . We need to bring Pablo back in for a follow - up to last night 's fever . The appointment is set for 1 p . m . I am going into the office today for the first time since all this started . Gonna get there early ; I 've been on email for nearly two hours already , so I 've hit the ground running . I 'll make my way to the hospital , for 1 : 15 or 1 : 30 . Our office is in Hollywood , just two miles from the hospital ( CHLA is the exact midpoint between office and home ) . I 've never been happier about my proximity to that hospital or home . Man , it would be great if CHLA offered monthly parking passes . . . . More later . at Jo Ann came to bed just before midnight . Pablo and I were down for the count , but I woke up when Jo Ann came in . I could feel the heat emanating from Pablo 's body when I woke . Jo Ann felt him , and noticed the same . She grabbed the thermometer and popped in his sleeping mouth . He was 101 degrees . They have drilled into our heads that fever is very serious , that we can 't take a wait - and - see position , and even a small fever is a fever . We have been instructed to call the hospital and speak to on - duty oncologist in the event of even the slightest temp escalation . Jo Ann was knee - deep with the doc in seconds . Still in bed , in the dark , I could tell something was up . I could hear her reciting our surname one letter at a time . This was our first fever call ; in the back of my mind , I think I was hoping the doc needed Pablo 's full name to fill out some paperwork , to document the call . I was wrong . Jo Ann hung up the phone and rushed into our room . " We have to get him to the ER right now , " she said . " The oncologist is calling us in right now . " ( This is significant , cos the last thing we want to do is sit in the waiting room . It 's nuts in there . ) We got dressed in seconds . Splitting duties , Jo Ann woke Pablo and got him upstairs . I ran up and grabbed the keys , the medical binder that J and her mom , Patricia had finished an hour before , and P 's Lidocaine , the creme that numbs the skin on top of his port . Jo Ann applied it in the car on our five minute drive to CHLA . We caught every green light down Silverlake Boulevard , and up Virgil Avenue . It was right out of a movie . Did I mention we got the CHLA in five minutes flat ? ! So , here we are in some off - the - path room in the ER . It 's cool , though , cos it 's a private room with walls , as opposed to a " bay " separated from other patients by a curtain . When we got here , a familiar face greeted us . It was the Stephanie Valenzuela , the nurse who worked with us the night of my birthday , when we first arrived here to have that bump looked at . That was before we officially became a Cancer Family . 2 : 38 : 00 AM Our boy , choosing tonight 's movie selection off Apple TV - world 's greatest invention for a child in Pablo 's shoes . Please note the Third Eye eyepatch , part of his pirate treasure box gift from Peter , Brie and Lennon ! Grady 's home from his weekend with his dad , Jimmy . When Grady 's away with his Poppy , Pablo kind of becomes an only child , and then switches back to his role as the little boy with an adoring big brother who is nine years older than him . It 's fascinating to see the excitement in both boys when their paths rejoin after Grady 's long weekends away . When I came home this afternoon , they were snuggled up together on the sofa . Life doesn 't get much better than that , for them or for us . This afternoon , this evening . . . . After a brief appearance at school , for circle time and to sing along with Carole , Pablo took a nap for a few hours . He is a bit warm , but nothing to worry about . Dinner went down well , and all his body functions ( if you know what I mean ) are working well . We have to take note these simple , ordinary things while he 's undergoing treatment . When Pablo announces he has to go potty , we all cheer . Two weeks ago , that would not have been the case . . . . Picture time ! Pablo 's so stoked to hang with his bro , I even got him to take some pix ! The dragon and the crane . The dragon runneth . " I 'm outta here , Papa . No more pictures ! Note Grady 's strong Waldorf Eurhythmy skillz - he didn 't move an inch ! When Pablo heard G and I laughing and loving the pix , he ran back in for a look - see . He ALWAYS does that lol ! Pablo at Santa Monica Beach a few months ago . Chemo treatment # 2 is knocked ooooouuuuuuttttttaaaaa the paaaaaark ! ! ! ! ! Only 16 more to go ! Today 's Oncology Clinic visit . It was cool to see Dr . Mascarenhas our oncologist . He is a sweet , gentle man , who has a way with children . It feels good to see the goodness in all the people who help us at the hospital . Feeling their care and expertise makes each minute in the hospital so much easier . The doc checked Pablo over - vitals , nodes , tummy , etc . All good . He did a rough external measurement of the big tumor using a paper tape measure over the skin of Pablo 's belly . Though it was an approximation only , he felt that the tumor was smaller . And it felt tougher to him - exactly what he was looking for on both counts . Jo Ann and I both felt that the bulge looked smaller as well , even though neither of us had said it to the other until Dr . M . measured it . We have both been trying to avoid hype talk , opting to stick with learning and becoming conversant in the facts of Pablo 's disease . So far , it 's feeling good . Let 's talk about chemo . Chemo . Everybody knows the term . We talk about it , hear about it all the time when someone around us has cancer . It 's this miracle drug that makes the patient feel yucky and rips through the body like a freight train . A necessary evil that can hurt as it helps . Until you find yourself in a situation where you 're exposed to what chemo actually is , it 's just this mythic thing . In our case , we didn 't know if chemo meant he 'd be hooked up to a machine , how long it would take or what it looked like . ( When my bro was sick , I was not in Chicago on his chemo days . ) In the spirit of sharing our experience , strength and hope - and the sights and sounds of our this whole game - we thought it 'd be helpful to show you exactly what Pablo 's chemo looks like . The picture above is a vial of the famous treatment . The one on the left is Vincristine , the actual chemo drug . That little tube took about 5 seconds to upload into Pablo 's chest port . Not bad ! It didn 't registat Good morning . A short post : we are off to the clinic for Pablo 's chemo treatment . It 's all we 've been able to think about since leaving the hospital . We just want to get the show on the road . As always , Pablo is in good spirits this morning . When we told him we were going back to the hospital , he was not happy . " But I don 't want to go back there , " he said . Totally get it . And as always , Jo Ann put it in suuuuuch a great way to him that he was all smiles a moment later . She told him , in a simple way , that the medicine was going to make his bump go away so he could play as hard as he wants to very , very soon . He got that ! OK , more later . And , as long as the boy allows it , we 'll have pix later today . Pablo channeling Johnny Depp channeling Keith Richards . Thanks to the Gevrikyan family - Hrach , Nevrik , Matthew and Angela - for the Cap ' n Jack Sparrow tricorne ' n ' dreadlock combo . It was an instant hit with Pirate Pablo . Hrach owns Velo Pasadena , Papa 's beloved bike shop , where Pablo speeds around 4 , 500 square feet on any training wheel bicicletta he wants . In fact , just hours before his diagnosis , Pablo was cruising around on a killer Specialized dirt bike with yellow lighning bolts on the seat and crank . A battle is won on the rocky waters of the Silver Lake . Jolly Roger is hung from the mast of HMS Play Structure . Pablo can 't get enough of Fred Gillich . Plain and simple . We will miss our dear friend Alfred after he leaves this evening . We 'll catch up with him in Milwaukee this summer , or back here in LA . To get a glimpse inside Fred 's dome , check out his pop culture blogospheric apparatus , thechignon . comOK , we 're off to bed . Sweet dreams . Buonanotte . Pablo has put a moratorium on photos - he 's over having his pic taken ! So here are some shots of Jo Ann and I getting our physical fitness in this morning , in preparation for tomorrow 's chemo treatment . It will be our first time going into the oncology clinic for outpatient chemo treatment , so we have no idea what to expect during and after . Tuesday is going to be allllll about Pablo - his comfort , his heart , his need to snuggle . . . Not too much different than every other day , but you know what I mean . BTW , before we get into the pix : we are having a great Memorial Day . Clare Crespo dropped off etouffee for dinner . How INSANE is that ? Can 't wait . OK , the pix : Jo Ann and Dorrie at the Silverlake Reservoir J and D with Chili , our yellow lab , and Beans , our flat - coat retrieverdoodle . Both dogs hail from New Orleans . Self - portrait from the road . Thought about looking H . A . R . D . Ultimately , I decided to smile . I was happy in this picture . Climbing this mountain is a helluva lot easier than what Pablo 's going through . This thought made my ride so much easier . My shadow self . at It has felt strange leaving Pablo . We 've talked about that . I normally ride my bike 250 miles a week , and Jo Ann does Bikram yoga every day . In order to get in the kinda miles I like to do , I have wake up early , to create more time in the day . Don 't want to be away from my family unnecessarily . This morning , I 'm up early . In a moment , I 'm off on two wheels to Angeles National Forest . If you know that area this will make sense ; if you don 't , now you know : gonna ride from our house in Silverlake to Sunland , climb all he way up Big Tujunga , to Angeles Forest Highway , to the Clear Creek Ranger station , and then drop down Angeles Crest in La Canada and home . Will snap some pics along the way for posting later . Jo Ann and Dorrie LaMarr are going out to walk to Reservoir at 8 : 45am . Exercise , the doctors have stressed , is going to help us physically and mentally . It 's SO hard to get out and do anything . But , tomorrow is treatment # 2 , so we need to get rockin today . Last night , feeling a bit odd about going out for more than an hour , I asked Pablo if he 'd be OK for me to go . He said yes , " As long as you brush your teeth . I never see you brush your teeth before you ride . " " But , Pablo , " I responded . " You 're asleep when i go out early in the morning . " " Oh yeah . But , Papa , just brush your teeth . " See you later . Jo Ann found this captivating photo late last night . Polly , Pablo and Mira O ' Brien , Pablo 's babysitter prior to Polly . Mira retired from munchkin duty to go to Yale grad school for painting . One of her paintings hangs in our TV room ( I 'll post pix later ) . She graduated this month , and we 're hoping to see her sooooooon ! Susan talks about letting our kids express their feelings through art . This afternoon , we received this beautiful expression on our doorstep . It arrived with a basket of organic strawberries . We send a missile of gratitude out to our strawberry fairy ! If you want to ID yerself , drop a comment ! Jeff has asked me to contribute my thoughts to this fantastic pablog and I am happy to do so . I was talking to Jeff yesterday about the last week 's journey and the road ahead . While we were talking , I was watching Pablo hop around on the couch with Fred , living in the moment . That is what 5 year olds do . This is not to say that Pablo is not tuned in to the shift in mood , experiences and his health over the last week . What he is not doing is worrying about the next few months ; 5 year olds do not do that . They are still sorting out the ideas of how today , yesterday tomorrow and in a minute works . The other part of communicating with a 5 year old is they are really smart and can memorize and repeat everything we say ( even the don 't - repeat - that - in - front - of - my - mother - in - law stuff ) . Just because children can repeat what we tell them , it doesn 't mean they understand what we mean . In child development one of the ways we gain better insight into what a child understands is by examining the child 's art for direction and understanding of what he or she is really thinking . When children are going through challenges of any kind their art can often guide you to understanding their perception of something . Their art often reveals their fears , their wishes and the most important things in their lives . I remember when we had a kitten die at birth ; my son was 5 at the time . The next day , he drew a picture with the mother cat , the live kitten and the dead kitten in the picture . The mother cat and living kitten were walking along the ground catching a bug . The dead kitten was with them only was in the air with a halo and wings flying above the mother cat , catching a bug . This told me what he understood that the dead kitten was an angelat Polly Harrison , our beloved babysitter , and a constant source of light in Pablo 's eyes , was planning to move back to Sacramento at the end of June . She has been with us for almost two years . Polly works with us part - time and works for another family in Pasadena when she 's not with us ( which is quite a lot of hours ) . On Sunday , I asked her if she could talk with her other family and see if she could scale back her hours with them and come on with us full time until she leaves for Sacramento . She had the whole thing worked out in minutes . . . . Knowing that Pablo 's treatment would be a long - term scenario , I started to feel the weight of Polly 's departure and how it would affect Pablo 's spirit ( he asks for her every day ) . I asked her if there was any possiblity that she could push her move for one month . Again , within moments , she agreed to stay in Los Angeles and changed her life plans to accommodate us and be with Pablo . Geez - really . . . how blessed are we ? One funny anecdote about Polly is that her fave band is the same as Jeff 's : The Smiths . Two of Jeff 's former management clients play in Morrissey 's band ; a few months ago , when the Moz played the Palladium , we felt t e r r i b l e asking her to babysit so we could go to the show . A total Cinderella story . We were going out to the last night at the fair , and she was stuck home , working . But just like that old fairytale , it all worked out . We laced her with tix for the next night , and she got to reel around the fountain . Left : The Chemo Barista . Right : White Blood Cells , by The White Stripes . Read on to unlock the mystery . Hi everyone . Another post from Jo Ann ( with a little sprinkle of Jeff ) , covering the background on Wilm 's Tumors , and the spec on Pablo 's treats - ment . Pablo 's treatment and schedule : After we had our CT scan to see if there was any cancer anywhere else and it came back clean , we decided - with or oncologist , Dr . Leo Mascarenhas and a nod from Dr . Michael Jensen , the head of pediatric oncology at City of Hope ( who is parent at Grady 's school ) - to start Pablo on chemotherapy treatment right away . Everyone agreed a biopsy was pointless . It would prolong the start of chemo . And the docs knew what he had , so there was no need to put his little body through an invasive surgery and recovery at that stage . This is what I know about Wilm 's Tumor : there are two kinds : a good one and a bad one . The good one is the most common . Wilm 's Tumor can be found on only one kidney , or it can be bilateral - both kidneys . Bilateral is rare , and THAT IS WHAT OUR PABLO HAS . Of all the bilateral Wilm 's Tumors out there , it is extremely rare for bilateral tumors to be the bad ones . The docs kept stressing they didn 't want to talk about Pablo as if he were a number ( ie , getting into statistic talk ) . But some of the stats are welcome and helpful . One of the key metrics in the Wilm 's game is that almost all of the bilateral tumors take to chemo like a champ . This is a simple goal post to hang onto when thinking about Pablo 's condition . SO - we are moving forward as if his tumors are the good ones . This is our best case scenario and we are asking everyone to hold that in their daily prayers , meditations and thoughts . Our treatment plan : • Chemo for six weeks . This Tuesday will be week two . • CT scan on June 26 to see that the tumors are responding to the chemo . • If that checks out , we will head into surgery to remove BOTH tumors and save as much of BOTH kidneys as possible . • Then , we follow up with 12 more weeks of chemo . The actual chemo c12 : 34 : 00 PM One week . . . Dang - one heck of a week . Jeff has been asking me to write something all week and I have just been having such a hard time . I do not have that gift - writing . . . I 've got the gift of gab . . . always have , even before I kissed the Blarney Stone . But , I do have the mommy 's perspective on this past week - - and I want to share that . On Saturday May 17 , Jeff and I did what we call the " divide and conquer . " Jeff went on his big 75 mile Saturday morning ride and I hung out with the kids . . . . We hooked up in Pasadena , where Jeff and our friend Tony Hoffer grabbed Pablo ; Grady and I headed to Sierra Madre to WORK . That 's right . . . Saturday was Grady 's big music video shoot for his 8th grade project ( he finished the edit two nights ago - we 'll be premiering the vid in a few days here on the Pablog ) . Grady chose The History of Music Videos and MTV for his written report and chose to direct a music video for his artistic element . Early in the school year , he asked our good friend , Scott Henriksen ( cinematographer extraordinaire ) , to be his mentor . . . and Saturday was the day for Grady to head out with his A - List DP to shoot his friends ' band , The Conscripts ( temporary name ) . I can 't even get into how much fun we had shooting . It was awesome . . . Grady and Scott were a great team ! After the shoot , we came home for a quick change before heading out to Jeff 's birthday dinner at Malo . As soon as we walked in , Jeff asked me to look at Pablo 's tummy . My reaction was instant . I know Dr . Fleiss ' number by heart , so I grabbed the phone and paged him . Then , I called our dear friend Brie Grousbeck - she is the wife of Jeff 's business partner , Peter Walker , and is also a DOCTOR ! She had just given birth days earlier to their gorgeous son , Lennon . I started describing what I was seeing on Pablo 's belly . She spoke to me in her usual amazing , calm way . Whatever she said , there was something in her voice that told me to get in front of a doctor right away . . . Fleiss ' office beeps in . It 's Miriam , Fleiss ' nurse - practitioner . Within five at a comment now . you don 't have to have a google account or any other blog account to send my main meng , jackton sparrow , some lovey lovey comments on the posts . GO FOR IT ! Pablo is spending the night with Nana and Boo at the Kyoto Hotel downtown ( formerly New Otani ) . Jo Ann and I are hanging at home with Fred and Polly , Pablo 's nanny , watching " Singles " on Apple TV . It 's a big night for Pablo . He 's seen his big bro Grady go off to the fairytale land of hotel hot tubs and room service for years . Whenever Jo Ann 's parents are in town , we know Grady 's packing his bag . Now Pablo 's getting a piece of the action . The little gremlin taking up temporary residency inside him tummy was not gonna squash his excitement for the hotel rendezvous with Nana and Boo . Under normal circumstances , we 'd be just as excited to let the ' rents take over on kiddie duty for the night . Tonight was not so easy . I had a hard time agreeing to it . Our snuggly nights in bed with Pablo have become ever more important to me , and to Jo Ann . More than that , we just want to be with him all . the . time . I went for a bike ride today and didn 't stop regretting leaving him . Anyway . . . . soon , after the initial intensity and focus fades away , and we get into the swing of things , we 'll be grateful to have had this night off . And we 'll be glad that we green lit Pablo 's away night with Harry and Patricia . It 's just . . . so . . . different now . Everyone keeps reminding us we 're running a marathon , not a sprint . We just don 't want this experience to turn into some ' Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner ' stuff . All the help that all YOU are giving us right now is helping to pace us as we get into this phase of life . What we 're working on today and tomorrow is sorting out the house , particularly to make the areas Pablo will be in as comfy and clean as possible . Still , it 's strange and odd and more than anything I keep thinking that any minute I 'm going to get a glass of cold water in the face and somebody is going to wake me from the dream . I often don 't know how I feel until I write . So this blog is helping to keep me sane and decompressed . On ' Singles ' : Nobody has mentioned it , but kickin ' it old skool is strangely comforting to all of uat Scooby and Pablo kneeling at the Noguchi altar , eyes locked on the telly . Scoob couldn 't believe the doo - rag coincidence when he turned up this morning . A little back story on Pirate Scooby : Pablo has never seen the toon Scooby Doo . He only knows this guy from going over to his friend Eli 's house . Every time we go over to hang with Eli - and his parents Scott and Helen - Pablo makes a bee - line for El Pirate Scoob . When Eli heard Pablo was sick , he immediately asked his mommy to bring his Pirate Scooby to him . Beyond sweet . Thanks Eli ! Pablo is feeling great for three days running . SUCH great news . we know we have a long path ahead , and we are stoked to have some emotional , if not meteorological , sunshine today , leading up to his next chemo treatment on tuesday . finding joy and contentment in small , simple things is one way to stay sane today . something along the lines of : chop wood , carry water , pat belly , rub head ( more on head rubbing below ) . we know from my brother scott 's treatment , there are good days and bad days , great weeks and great runs . there are also days when plans have to be scrapped at the last minute . plans for simple things like going to the park , or for a coffee . plans for a summer holiday . one of the countless gifts scott gave us was the experience , strength and hope . now that we are in our new reality as a cancer family , we 're kind of know how to roll . one of the many reasons i am so dedicated to this blog is for this very reason : to s h a r e our experience with all of you . If our experience could ever help you , or someone you know , well , here it is . as i write this , pablo is snuggling with fred on the couch . they are sitting next to me watching ' pirates of the carribean 3 . ' pablo is stoked . he loves fred : loves rubbing on his bald head , loves asking him a million questions about the movie and loves just b e i n g with him . i just reaized this - it might have something to do with the fact that , without his gnomie beard , fred looks like another hero of children the world over : author and poet laureate shel silverstein ! ! ! ! of all the people pablo gets shy with , fred is not one of them . i remember meeting fred the first day of high school , in september 1986 . i had that same easy feeling about him : " this dude is my friend . " i have never had a strong urge to rub his head or snuggle with him , but after 22 years of friendship , i know i could give the dome a good rub if i had to ! at G ' mornin ' from our house to yours . Another solid night 's sleep ! We took a few g ' mornin ' pics , each one telling a different story from our little trooper : " OK , one picture ? I can be happy about that ! Maybe I 'll eat some pancakes again for brekkie . . . . " " AAAAnether picture ? ? ? UUUUUUHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! PUH - leeeeeeze ! " " OK , this is the last one ! I 'm not even gonna do a real smile . . . And no matter what , I 'm bolting when he 's done with this one ! " We are introducing the new pablove . org web address . It 's not only easy to remember , but ties together two powerful themes : Pablo and Love . How cool is it that the two words go together so easily ? Please bookmark it in your browser , and PASS IT AROUND ! When you get to this page , all you have to do is click the type that says CLICK HERE FOR PABLO ' S BLOG , and you 'll land on the existing Pablog . We 're doing this so we can introduce something else new to our fight and light campaign : PABLOVE bracelets ! ! ! ! We thought this would be a cool way to engage the kids and adults - wearing the bracelet makes us all feel like we are doing something . At least this is how I felt wearing my Livestrong bracelet when my brother was sick . It felt to me that wearing it was a statement of intention , a marker in the sand , a statement of unity and consciousness . Whatever and however one feels , it sure doesn 't hurt . Especially with the amount of kiddies in our midst . You will see one when you go to the page - they are beautiful ! ! ! And they will be in our hands in 14 days ! ! ! ! ! They happen to look a lot like the LIVESTRONG bracelet , because yellow happens to be Pablo 's fave color . There will be a mix of sizes , including plenty of kids ' sizes . Jo Ann is coming up with a specific charity centered around pediatric cancer or Wilm 's Tumor treatment and research that she will be asking people to donate to as the bracelets make their way into the world . We 'll get that info out when the gear arrives . Jo Ann and Pablo are in the tub . Our nights are getting later and later , now that P has started napping for two or three hours in the late afternoon . And today , he went nuts on the new play structure for 45 minutes after the nap . We know that there might be some tougher days ahead , so we are filled with gratitude for the ease of the moment . OK , I 'm off to LAX to pick up our friend Fred . He 's coming in from Milwaukee . We 've been friends since the first day of high school . I love him , we love him , and Pablo loves him . In fact , he is entranced by Fred ! By Fred 's owat

It has been a few weeks since my last post . I apologize to everyone who is following my blog . Let me start off by saying THANK YOU ! THANK YOU , for all of you who continue to read my blog after two years and for following my progress . You have NO IDEA what it means to me to hear that people are still reading my blog posts . It is because of all of your encouragement that I have remained motivated and continually work towards my goal of walking again ! When we started this blog , it was during the roughest time of my life . The doctors were not sure if I was going to live or not and the blog helped keep people informed . Since then , it has continued to not only inform people of my progress but has become my ministry to share with everyone God 's blessings on my life ! The REAL purpose of this blog is not just for my random updates on my progress , but that others can SEE GOD working through the miracles and blessings in my life ! I hope and pray that when people read my blog YOU SEE CHRIST ! I hope you see " WHAT IS POSSIBLE " through hard work and FAITH . I know I will one day walk again , I JUST KNOW ! I will continually press towards my goal all the while giving God ALL THE PRAISE and GLORY for each success along the way . Most of you have been wondering about my last post and the new addition to our family ! My sister gave birth last week to a BEAUTIFUL new baby girl , Kyleigh Rae ! She was named after her father , KYLE and my grandfather whose name was RAY and was a huge influential part on all of his grandchildren . I am very excited to be a proud new UNCLE ! ! In my last post I had mentioned about saving my sisters umbilical cord blood . We had planned on extracting the stem cells from the blood which could then be used to treat my spinal cord injury . I talked with Dr . Wise Young the leading SCI researcher and after consideration we decided it would not be the best thing to do at this time . The chances that my sister 's stem cells would be a match for me would be very slim , less than 25 % . It would cost a lot of money to save the bloPosted by I have some exciting news to report to everyone about the conference I attended last week in Orlando . One of the top scientist in the world , Dr . Wise Young is working on a cure for spinal cord injuries had befriended me and we have become pen pals . About two weeks ago he wrote me an email saying that he would be in Orlando at a hotel in Disney for a large conference with other scientist and doctors . The conference was not opened to the public and was only for other scientist working on a cure for paralysis . The top neurologists from John Hopkins , The Miami Project , Shriners Hospital were all attending the meeting . Dr . Young allowed me to be a guest and sit in on the conference in the back of the hotel ball room . My family and I sat on the last row and listened to the scientists give there talks on the latest break through discoveries in spinal cord research . We were by FAR the DUMBEST people in the room haha ! Dr . Young got to the podium and talked about some break through things that he was working on . Dr . Youngs work revolves heavily around STEM CELLS . Stem Cells are building block cells that can be genetically engineered and altered to become ANY cell in the body . They can become , heart cells , muscles cells , and SPINAL CORD NERVE CELLS ! This work is being done TODAY in the laboratory and they have genetically created nerve cells and implanted them into severed spinal cords in animals , AND THEY ARE WALKING AGAIN ! ! Most of Dr . Youngs research is coming from Stem Cells from Umbilical Cord blood . When a woman gives birth , the blood which is in the umbilical cord is RICH with stem cells . They can use the blood from the umbilical cord and combine it with Lithium and are seeing amazing results . Nerve cells are bridging the gap and making connections at the injury site , causing animals to walk again and regain function . This got me thinking . . . . . hmmm WHO DO I KNOW WHO IS ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY ? ? MY SISTER ! ! HAHA I asked Dr . Young if maybe we could store my sisters blood and use it in me one day ! He said , YES and gave me aRecent Updates It has been awhile since my last post , but I wanted to share with everyone the blessings that have come my way recently . God has been watching over me from the beginning and each and everyday his plans seem to be working themselves out . I am starting to understand more and more what it means to put all your trust in God . He will take care of you if we can just learn to lay our troubles at his feet . A few days ago I received a phone call from a gentleman who I attended church with in Atlanta during my time at Shepherds . The man is the brother of one of our dear friends in Florida . My brother and I both graduated with his niece and nephew from high school . He called me in regards to something that North Atlanta Church was doing as a ministry to others and he wanted to know if they could help me . An anonymous donor at the church gave a substantial amount of money to be given out to people who are in need . The only stipulation to the donation was that the money was to be given out in order to pay the bills of those in need . Unfortunately I did NOT have any outstanding bills at that time . I thanked him for considering me and offering to help me financially . Since the monies could only be used to pay bills , I did not have any need at that time . WELL , GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS ! ! THE VERY NEXT DAY ! ! I received a letter in the mail from UAMS hospital . The letter I received was a BILL ! ! I thought we had handled the bill a YEAR ago , and I had not heard anything back from the hospital over the bill in question . As it would turn out , I DID owe the money from my time in Little Rock . Needless to say , the North Atlanta Church is handling the bill . GOD IS GOOD ! ! It is amazing how he has watched over me and taken care of my every need . From my home being remodeled , and my surprise fund raiser in order to raise money for the Shepherd Center and now my outstanding bills have ALL BEEN HANDLED by wonderful Christians . I could NOT have gone through this without the never ending love from the brothers and sisters in Christ who have gPosted by I apologize for the delay in posting , I was waiting on my TV segment to air so that I could include it this weeks blog . My trip last weekend to Little Rock was amazing . Because of the weather , we were not able to fly into Little Rock . Instead , we flew just outside Atlanta to my dad 's office and drove to Little Rock from there . We were not able to get to Little Rock early enough on Thursday so my television interview was postponed until Friday . When I arrived at UAMS , I was anxious and excited to meet Dr . Pait , the surgeon who saved my life . I arrived early for my interview with THV 11 news . When I came into the new lobby of the hospital , I was met by Andrea Peel who worked in P . R . for the hospital and arranged the TV interview . Well , when I came to the hospital , I had a BIG SURPRISE waiting on me ! Andrea , informed me that Dr . Greenwauld , my shoulder surgeon and ALL of the nurses who worked on me in ICU were also going to be coming down to meet me . I couldn 't believe it , I was so excited to meet the entire staff who worked on me during the most crucial moments when my life was literally in the balance . Soon , after my interview began I looked up to see Dr . Pait standing there ! I shook his hand and gave him a hug , I couldn 't stop thanking him for all the work he did on me . Shortly thereafter Dr . Greenwauld came down and I was able to thank him for the complex shoulder reconstruction he performed on me . One of the greatest moments however , was to meet the ICU nurses who were there for me EVERYDAY ! One of the nurses even brought my chart down to go over all of my injuries . I was amazed by all of the details of my injury while reading through my charts . The nurse explained to me that when someone is injured they are given a grade based on the severity of their injury . Anyone with a grade of 15 or higher needs the most urgent of care and requires a LEVEL 1 Trauma unit . The nurse said when I came in I was given the grade of 38 ! ! I enjoyed thanking all of the nurses who took care of me . There were lots of hugs and tears aI LOVE YOU ALL , SO MUCH IN HIM This is going to be a wonderful week for me and I am very excited ! On Thursday , I will be traveling up to Little Rock to go to Harding 's homecoming and visit with old friends . I will also be attending Pleasant Valley Church and will be speaking there as well . This will be the first time I have spoken to the Church since last December . I always look forward to speaking to P . V . and seeing the people who have made a lasting impact on my life ! This is going to be an extra special trip for me . For the FIRST time since my accident I am going to meet the people who saved my life at UAMS hospital . I was in ICU from Dec 8th until January 17th . While I was there , I had three surgeries and spent the entire time in ICU . I was induced into a coma for most of that time , and the times where I was awake , I was so heavily drugged I was not coherent ! I never got to meet any of my surgeons and doctors who took care of me , especially in the initial trauma unit . Last week I tried to make a phone call to Dr . Pait , my neurosurgeon . I was put through to his nurse and left a message . A few days ago she returned my phone call . I told her my name and that I would be visiting Little Rock next week . I told her I would like to meet Dr . Pait and thank him for saving my life . I was SHOCKED , when the nurse remembered me ! She remembered every last detail of my accident and my family as well . The people of Pleasant Valley also made an IMPACT on the people of that hospital . There were close to 100 people in the waiting room and the over flow was sitting in the hallways the night of my accident . Every nurse and doctor working on that wing remembers such an AWESOME outpouring of love that was shown to me following the first few days after my accident ! The love that was shown to me by all of my friends and church family made an impression on them and they were able to see God 's love through it ! The nurse told me that she would look through my files and would try to gather up all of the nurses and doctors who worked on me throughout the most crucial timePosted by In this post I wanted to share with everyone my progress and blessings in my life ! ! God has blessed me so much as of lately and I am excited about my new progress . Let me leave everyone in suspense and start off by talking about my week . 1 ) Last weekend , I had a lot of fun as my brother took me out on the lake and I was able to go skiing ! Don 't jump to conclusions , I was not up on regular skis but I went with the Disabled Water Sports of Florida as they were putting on an event near my house . They had specialized skis that you would sit in and could go out on the lake . The Cypress Gardens ski girls helped out and volunteered to be side skiers . These are professional skiers that you would see do the pyramids and stunts during their shows ! ( side note : I told me brother that I would rather the GIRLS ski with me ! ) haha he TOTALLY understood and side skied with others who were boating . It was great to meet others with SCI injuries and also to go skiing ! I have not been on the water since my accident so it was wonderful to get some sun and fun ! 2 ) I had my driving evaluation last week and I am currently in the process of looking for a vehicle . I went last Friday to go shopping and I am narrowing my search , trying to find the right vehicle . I am excited to start driving again and can not wait to get out on the road . We will get a vehicle within the next few weeks . 3 ) Now for the moment you have been waiting for , NEW PROGRESS ! I am considered a LOWER MOTOR NEURON INJURY ! which means that my legs should NOT respond to electrical stimulation and contract the muscles . I have been using E - stim on my legs everyday since my accident and a few nights ago , I noticed that my calf muscles are FLEXING NOW ! ! Once I put the E - stim on my legs my calf muscles twitch and fired , something my legs are NOT SUPPOSE TO DO ! ! For almost 2 years I have NOT seen this happen before . I spoke with one of the top SCI doctors who explained to me that I was regaining motor neurons . He said that in order for the leg to twitch I have to excite the motor neurPosted by Well , its another week at home in Florida and I am starting my home exercise program that was given to me from the Shepherd Center . My family and I have just joined the YMCA by my house where I will continue my rehab daily . My therapist still comes to my house every week and we build on the things that Shepherd taught me . My days will consist of the following : 1 ) Passive Bike for an hour 2 ) Standing frame for an hour 3 ) Working out on the Nustep leg bike at the YMCA for an hour 4 ) Upper body workout at the gym 5 ) Walking with my braces in my driveway and we hope to walk in the gym at the YMCA soon . 6 ) I also do a therastim treatment on my quads and calves to keep my muscles strong . Once a week my PT comes to my house and we do various exercises at my house . My legs always feel so great when my PT comes to my house and really works on my core and increasing my strength in the muscles I have regained in my legs . That is a days work for me ! I am excited to start working out at the YMCA and also continuing my walking . My goal is to ween myself from my wheelchair and ONLY use my braces for an entire day . I want to start using my braces everyday , so that I will become more comfortable walking . Its like , if you want to teach someone how to swim , you just throw them into the water ! haha Its either SINK or SWIM ! I guess I just have to throw myself into " WALKING " so that I will get better at it ! I will try to keep posting videos of my workouts at the YMCA and from my therapy at home . Some GREAT news ! Today I took my driving evaluation and passed with flying colors . Vocational Rehab had a driver come from Tampa to my house and we drove around my town . The teacher said I did GREAT and I have NO PROBLEM driving ! Now , we are going to look for a vehicle . Once we decide what vehicle to get , Vocational Rehab well pay for the modifications . The gentleman today said , I will NOT need many modifications after he saw what I was able to do ! I hope to be driving SOON ! ! I CANT WAIT ! ! I am so ready to start driving ! PLEASE CONTINUE TO KEEP Posted by Well , im sorry again for the delay in my blog posts but I hope to get back on track of writing every Sunday night . I AM HOME FINALLY ! ! ! ! With mixed emotions I have returned home to Florida for a break from rehab . I hope to return to Beyond Therapy in the future but until then I will be at home working on a home exercise program that was given to me from Shepherds . I was very pleased with the Shepherd center and the progress that I have made throughout my time there . I have increased my stamina and strength and I am still seeing great progress in my legs . I have been extremely blessed by everything God has done in my life ! I would NOT be where I am today had it not been for all of your prayers and support . From the beginning of this injury , I have made up my mind , THAT I WILL WALK AGAIN ! ! Despite what any doctor or the statistics says , I will OVERCOME this to walk again . I will not lie , it has been a struggle but my goals are in sight . I have been working hard during my rehab , and I am still in need of more return to my legs , but I know it will come . I have prayed for complete healing and complete healing I know I will receive ! I have not lost my focus and never thought for one second what my life would be like in a chair . I know that this will be temporary and I will continue to work and pray until my goal are accomplished . God does not know medical statistics , nothing is impossible to God ! I ask for everyone to PLEASE keep me in their prayers and continue to ask for complete healing . Pray that my legs will return to me fully , I know it will happen ! I have already defied the odds due to your prayers and I know my progress will continue ! Below is a video of my LAST walking session at Shepherds . I was able to walk two full laps around the basketball court without stopping . My progress has been amazing but the BEST IS YET TO COME ! ! One day , I will walk again and I will be completely restored . BELIEVE IT ! ! Because I do ! ! Thank you all for your support and encouragement . I have not been doing this alone and I am forevePosted by I know these videos are looking redundant and I apologize for that . However , my walking is becoming faster and faster during each of my walking sessions . I am able to cover more ground and increase my distance during each session . Not ALL of my Beyond Therapy regiment has consisted of walking . I work out for 3 hours a day , ( 3x1 hour sessions ) and during each hours session I am doing something different . I have only really posted videos of my walking , because that is what I am most proud of and my therapist always has an aide " helping / watching " during my walking sessions so he is always free to shoot the videos . During my other hours sessions the aides are usually not available so I do not have anyone to shoot the videos . I am making SO MUCH progress , each week I am constantly encouraged by my gains . God is truly blessing me along this path to recovery . I realize this is going to be a VERY LONG and arduous task but I know I will over come this injury . I have always kept the thought , that I AM GOING TO BEAT THIS THING , IM NOT GOING TO LET IT BEAT ME ! My therapy each day is very hard and I am pushed to my limit in each session . At the end of this walking session , I had to have the chair put under me with 5 min to go in the hour , not because I was done , but because I ALMOST PASSED OUT ! I am trying to walk further and faster with each and every day . It drains me both mentally and physically , but my strength does not come from myself , but from God who sustains me ! If I keep my focus and allow him to work through me , I know that I will walk again one day ! He has already showed me so much progress , I will continue to trust in him and we will see this miracle through ! On another note : While online the other day , I was contacted by that girls mother who I had met at shepherds from the random stranger at the concert . All of her family and friends were coming up on Sunday to meet with her and she wanted me to share my story with all of her friends and family . I met them up in the lounge on the 6th floor Sunday afternoon and wePosted by Well . . . . AS USUAL , I am a few days late in posting on my blog ! haha , Please forgive me , I get pretty busy here in Atlanta , and I try to only post when I have a good video or story to share . Let me start off my telling you about an AMAZING story that happened to me just this past weekend ! God has blessed me so much throughout this journey and part of what I feel is my obligation to share with others my blessings and give hope to those who do not have any . It is AMAZING how God works in our lives . My brother in law Kyle came down to Atlanta so that we could go to the concert of our favorite band . O . A . R . While at the concert , we sat in the ADA seating for wheelchairs . A young girl saw me in my chair and climbed the railing to come talk to me . She asked if I was going to Shepherds ? I said , YES I am there for rehab right now in Beyond Therapy and I am working on walking again . She told me that she was JUST at Shepherds that day visiting her friend ! She told me that her best friend was in a bad car accident and is currently an INPATIENT at shepherds , she was injured just under a month ago . After sharing with the girl about my accident and my success she desperately wanted me to talk to her friend . She gave me her name and asked me if I could encourage her cause she is going through a rough time . All the doctors were giving her a very slim chance of walking again , based on the severity of her injury . So yesterday I made my way to the hospital and went into her room . I said , " YOU DON ' T KNOW ME , BUT YOUR FRIEND AT THE O . A . R . concert said I had to meet you ! ? " We talked for about an hour ! She was so glad that I came to talk to her and said that , it has changed her outlook on her recovery ! She said I gave her HOPE when no one else would . I told the girl , that the secret to recovery is through FAITH and PRAYERS and NO DOCTOR , will EVER write you a script for that ! I was so glad that God used me the way he did that day . A stranger at a concert , sitting RIGHT in front of me and had a friend who needed comforting at the Shepherd CPosted by I would probably count this past Saturday as one of the best days I 've had in a very long time ! God is SO GOOD and he always provides for me ! When I set off to come to Atlanta , I knew that insurance was not going to cover my bills and I would have to pay for it out of pocket . My therapy in Atlanta is very expensive and this past weekend God answered my prayers and provided for me as he always does . Robin Lashley , one of my best friends but the event together . Robin , who I consider one of the biggest spiritual GIANTS in my life , with the help of a few people , put together one of the greatest fund raisers I could have ever imagined . I arrived at the Wekiva River State Park Saturday morning to a mob of people standing in front of a big banner which read : FIRST ANNUAL BRENT ADAMS CHARITY CORN HOLE TOURNAMENT 2009 ! I was in shock at how many people were there at the gates to welcome me as I drove in ! Once I picked my jaw off the floor , my mom reached around and dropped the newspaper in my lap ! The headline read , POPULAR OHIO SPORT PLAYED TO HELP FRIEND ! As I read the story in the paper , my heart was overwhelmed by the love and support that I have had since my injury ! Robin had gathered many sponsors from around the Orlando area to help donate to my charity . The event consisted of large tents , bbq grills , professional corn hole tournament reps , banners , t - shirts , canoeing , raffle tickets and door prizes . This was a professional charity event , with marketing , advertisement in the paper and other media . There was a LARGE turn out with many people I had never met before , but came just to support me ! I doubt very few people has had the opportunity to feel the love that was shown to me that day ! It will go down as one of the best memories of my life ! The monies raised on Saturday will go a LONG ways in helping me with my therapy bills in Atlanta . It is very expensive but God always provides a way ! Since the beginning of this journey I have been on , I have been amazed at how the doors have opened for me ! Every need that I haPosted by I would like to start off by apologizing again for the delay in posting . I will try my best to post every Sunday night / Monday morning , but every once in awhile I cant get caught up on everything and I am a few days behind . But I will try hard to post every week . I have been trying to take new videos of some therapy , but they are walking me ALL THE TIME NOW ! I am sorry for the redundant videos , of pretty much the same thing . I walk in almost every therapy session I have now ! You may look at the video in this post and think , I 've seen this before , but I am progressing so much more than what you can see . It may be hard for you to tell the difference in my videos , but I am walking further and further in each session . The first time I tried walking , I got about . . . . 20 feet , and I WAS DONE ! completely exhausted and drenched in sweat . My hands where killing me and my triceps were on fire from squeezing the life out of the walker because i was afraid of falling . Now , I am walking several laps up and down the basketball court , baseline to baseline , with fewer rests and stops . I am getting less fatigued and I am able to push myself further in each session . My therapists who was assigned to walk with me two days ago for our session had never walked with me before . He told me that he had a preconceived notion with how he would have to walk with me based on my level of injury . He figured he would have to pull my legs forward and manually guide my steps . He also figured he would have to put his shoulder into my backside to keep my hips forward so that I would not FLOP and keep my posture . He told me he was shocked when he saw that I could do all of those things on my own ! He said walking with me is easy , because all he has to do is keep contact guard on my knees so that i don 't fall down . He told me he was very impressed with what I was able to do on my own ! I have no doubt I will walk again on my own one day ! I am getting stronger , but I am still in need of more return in my legs to be completely independent . My quads , and haRecent Updates Hey everyone ! Im back ! I apologize for not posting last week . I left Atlanta to come home to Florida for the week for my brothers wedding . I had a great time back home and was so happy to see my brother marry such an awesome girl in Brooke ! I was allowed a week off of beyond therapy to come home for the wedding . As soon as the wedding was over I traveled back up to Atlanta to start therapy the next day ! My first day back from " vacation " I came into the gym and the very first thing my therapist said was , " Brent , meet me outside in the gym , we are walking ! " I spent my very first hour back in therapy walking ( video below ) . This is only my second time ever walking without braces ( the first time was the day I left for Florida which u saw in the previous post ) . Last week I walked every day for one of my sessions in Beyond Therapy ! I am slowly getting better at my walking ! The secret is getting my technique down and not trying to rush everything . My very first time back my triceps and hands were KILLING me from putting so much weight through my arms . By the end of the week , I was putting less and less pressure through my arms and walking became MUCH easier ! I am still lacking crucial muscles return in parts of my legs to allow me to walk completely unassisted . My progress is more than ANYONE could have ever imagined , but im still not out of the woods yet ! My therapy is going to be long and tedious for years to come ! But one thing I can promise you . . I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ! ! No matter how long it takes or what I have to go through , I will not STOP until I walk again ! I will never settle for a wheelchair , I will overcome this ! I must lean on my faith and on the prayers of everyone for God to give me the healing as only he can do ! Doctors have done all they can do for me ! My recovery is now in God 's hands ! He is the only one who can give more return to my legs and I have FAITH WITHOUT DOUBT that it will be done ! Please continue to pray for more healing . My requests stay the same and will remain constant until i walk again ! DOPosted by What another amazing week at the Shepherd Center ! I am making great progress and the therapists continue to encourage me ! I am still lacking some return which is making it difficult to walk completely unassisted . I am still praying for more strength in my knees and quads . I need to be able to stand without grabbing anything and using all of my quads and gluts ! BUT ITS COMING ! ! ! I am so encouraged by my recent progress that I have made at the Shepherd Center and I am SO BLESSED by the recovery that the Lord has given me ! Everyday I look around the Beyond Therapy gym and I see so many people who are less fortunate than I am . I thank God everyday that my injury was not as bad as it could have been ! Its a miracle that my neck was not broken and I am not breathing from a machine and driving a wheelchair with a straw . I could have broken my neck so easily but I was spared and I am forever grateful for that . This week in rehab , I worked with one of my favorite therapist : GUSTAVO or " GUS " ! He is from Costa Rica and has been such an encouragement to me ! Every time I work with him he praises my progress and makes me feel great about myself . Just the other day , he told me : " Brent , don 't get down on yourself and your progress , I have been doing this for a long time and what you are able to do with your hips and your core strength to extend your legs is AMAZING ! " He went onto tell me how he believes that God is in total control of my life . He told me that if it is God 's will than I WILL WALK AGAIN . . . NO QUESTION . I always get so much encouragement from my therapists who are always rooting me on and cheering for me during rehab . I am so blessed to be at such an awesome rehab center . BELOW IS THE MOMENT YOU ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR : DRUM ROLL PLEASE ! ! haha This was something that I have never done until coming to Shepherds . I am walking without braces , only an A . F . O . which is an ankle support and some assistance from my therapist . Gustavo is working with me on the video below on my walking . . . yes . . . ON MY WALKING ! ! He is using hiPosted by Well , week 4 has been completed and I am currently into my 5th week in Beyond Therapy . As the weeks move along it appears that they are increasing the intensity of my workout sessions . They are pushing me further and further trying to get the most out of the return in my legs . So far my therapy has consisted of a lot of core stability and strengthening which I will need first and foremost . Im still needing return to come back so that they can really focus on certain muscle groups . I have seen a lot of recovery in my body . Its hard to explain to people the differences I am feeling . People need to see certain movements to understand that I am making improvements . My legs however are continually changing on me ! It feels almost like every week I am regaining new sensations in my legs . My legs have become more sensitive and I am getting new feelings running throughout my body . I know that changes are coming I CAN FEEL THEM ! Most of my gains in therapy so far has come in my strength . The movements that I could do in the past are much stronger and the therapists remain encouraged . It was explained to me by one of my therapists that no one understands my body like I do . He told me that the therapists still have not fulling come to understand my body and my capabilities . I am still rather new to the program and they need time to evaluate me . They are not ruling out any possibilities to my recovery . Everyone is different they explained to me ! Some people regain function quicker than other and some never regain function at all . However , I KNOW SOMETHING THEY DONT ! I know without doubt or question that my body will be restored through the power of prayer . I do not believe I was brought this far without a master plan . I have seen so many miracles in my recovery thus far and I am sure there are still more to come ! My recovery is not going to be measured in weeks or months but YEARS ! It is a long and slow process . I am not in a sprint but a marathon . I must keep actively working my legs and rebuilding my neuro connections . I haPosted by Well I have successfully finished my 3rd week of Beyond Therapy and I am now into my 4th week here and I am continually seeing improvements . I am sorry for the delay in getting this posted but I wanted to wait until I had a good video to post ! What an AMAZING week I had . On Tuesday , I did probably one of the hardest session I had ever had since coming to Beyond Therapy . I was doing the TRX therapy which consisted of me doing a variety of core and leg strengthening . ( I will post a video of this in the coming weeks ) . I hit the proverbial wall and could NOT go any further . I was laying on my stomach exhausted , covered in sweat and completely worn out when I heard a voice say . . . " GOOD JOB , you are making great progress ! " I looked up to see JAMES SHEPHERD cheering me on . James is the founder of the Shepherd Center . He was injured in the mid 1970 's with a spinal cord injury . Being how there were NO rehab facility with specialized treatment in spinal cord injuries in the southeast his parents Alana and Harold founded the Shepherd Center . They built the center so that their son could get the treatment he needed . Today it has grown to be the biggest specialized rehabilitation center in the country . James is currently the chairman of the board of directors at the Center . He and I talked for quit some time as I laid on the mat exhausted and out of breath . I thanked him for a particular article he wrote in the Shepherd Center quarterly magazine they publish . The day before meeting James , I had picked up the magazine and read the forward he had written . The article was about having FAITH during one 's rehab . James who is a great man of faith and a true man of God . Wrote how he has seen that a personal relationship with God and having a deep faith in him has significantly helped those who are recovering from such a traumatic injury . ( I will have to do a special post with his exact words from his forward in the magazine ) ! I thanked James for those inspiring words and told him how I TOO believe the same thing . I told him it is my Posted by Well , I have successfully finished my second week of Beyond Therapy and BOY AM I SORE ! ! I have never been this sore in my life ! I am working harder than ever before and I am seeing some pay offs for all of my hard work . God has truly blessed me in providing the opportunity to come to a place like Shepherds and work to regain my ability to walk ! The therapists here at Shepherds are WONDERFUL and I have made so many great new friends and caught up with old friends throughout first two weeks ! This week , we worked a lot on my core strength and helping my balance when I am standing . I did repetitive exercises in the standing position of : straightening my legs , extending my leg forward , straightening the knee , breaking the knee and pulling it back under my body . I did this exercise almost everyday while also working on my standing balance . We did hip exercises where I would move them in order to do weigh shifts to help in my walking motion . On Wednesday , I was very fortunate to have my Aunt and Uncle from Alabama drive down for the day to visit me . It was SO GREAT to see both of them and I especially enjoyed showing off for them in therapy . They got to the center just as I was fixing to start my pool therapy session . This was my very first session in the pool and I must say , IT WAS MY FAVORITE ! The therapist couldn 't stop talking about how much progress I had made since my stay there in October . I walked several laps in the pool and did various underwater movements with resistance and did INCREDIBLY WELL ! I was so glad my aunt and uncle where there to see it and LOVED seeing them . We laughed the entire afternoon ! On Friday we worked on my standing as well . The video below was taken this past Friday . This was just one of several exercises we did in this standing position . I stood there for AN HOUR doing various exercises working on my hips and leg movements . The video below was not even the most impressive exercises but it was the only one my therapist shot . I needed to focus and not worry about being a movie star apparenPosted by Well , I have officially finished my 1st week of Beyond Therapy ! Let me just say , that it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life ! I am use to conditioning for sports or working out in a gym from time to time , but NOTHING compares to the physical exhaustion I feel after one session ! Well let me just start off by telling you about my week . Tuesday : This was my first day in therapy and it was pretty much just an evaluation and testing . I met with a Physical Therapist for an hour as we discussed my goals and also my injury . We talked about what to expect out of the program and what they would be doing to me in therapy . Next she did some tests on me , just testing my movements . Again , she thought I was a TRICKY SUBJECT ! All my therapists say the same thing . It is so hard to get a read on your muscles , I am able to move my body and legs great , but she has a hard time feeling the muscle palpitate ? Its like Im moving my legs but she doesn 't know exactly how Im able to do it ? Next , I did something I had NEVER done before , she got help from another therapist and i stood up in my walker and with the therapist behind me on a rolling stool to help assist my knees I STARTED TAKING STEPS ! ! WITHOUT BRACES ! ! the therapist was there to help assist my knees as I was walking so it wasn 't totally unassisted but I was taking the steps ! We went out to the gym and the therapist grabbed a video camera and filmed me . I WALKED TO THE HALF COURT LINE ! with just a therapist following behind me on a rolling stool assisting just my knees . On Wednesday : I worked with a therapist named Josh , who was HARD ! He worked me harder than ever before on this day ! He had me on the floor doing pushups ( which i got 29 ) he had me on my stomach doing all kinds of intense floor exercises . My abs and arms were on FIRE ! ! Next he put me in a walker called an ARJO ! I put my forarms on a stand and he pumps me up to where i am standing . ( see figure below ) The figure above is exactly what I was in ! Once in the ARJO walker I worked on supporting my weight on my Posted by Yesterday morning my family and I drove up to Atlanta where we got settled into my new apartment . My apartment is extremely nice , and directly across from the center which is the BIGGEST PLUS . The apartment isn 't completely wheelchair accessible , but it will work out just fine . The best thing about the apartment is how close it is to the center . I will be able to take myself to therapy and come home on my own , saving my mom from driving through the horrible Atlanta traffic . My therapy will begin on Tuesday at 1 : 00pm - 5 : 00pm . My first day will just be an evaluation . They will test my legs and find out a course of action to take on my therapy . My first ACTUAL day begins on Wed and then again on Friday . The next week we start the all out therapy sessions ! I cant wait to get started ! ! I will do my best to post a little more frequently as my therapy progress to keep everyone informed on my progress . I will also try to post more videos so everyone can see my therapy 1st hand ! SO STAY TUNED . I am sure my next several posts will be the most exciting yet ! I have been so blessed with my recovery thus far ! I give ALL the glory and honor to God for my progress and will continue to give him all the praise for each and every gain I make . This journey I am on is all for his glory so that he will be praised through my trials . With each and every blood , sweat and tears that I will shed throughout the next few months will all be for his glory ( hopefully there wont be to much blood involved ) But maybe ? who knows what they will make me do in therapy ! Each day I am blown away by the course my life has taken since this accident and I am reminded daily just how blessed I am ! The doors that have opened for me and my recovery has been a miracle ! I encourage everyone out there who has doubts to what an awesome God I serve to just watch my videos and hear my story ! I was given NO HOPE , I was told it couldn 't be done with my level of injury but I am defying the odds and I am rewriting the medical books ! I have always known that I would walk Posted by Well this is my last week in Florida . On Saturday June 13th I will be driving to Atlanta , Georgia where I will be for the next two months . I have been so blessed with all the doors that have been opened for me to make this possible . I am excited about the upcoming trip and I can not wait to see the results from my hard work and therapy . My family and I have rented an apartment that has just opened up DIRECTLY across from the Shepherd Center . This will be the best scenario because I will be able to take myself to rehab everyday without my mom having to drive through the crazy Atlanta traffic . ( I will post my address once I arrive next week ! ) I am amazed at how the doors have opened for me to be accepted into this program . Many of you have asked questions about what " IS " Beyond Therapy ? I have posted a link to the Shepherds website below on Beyond Therapy so that you can read all about it . There are three different programs you can be apart of in therapy . I am going to be apart of the Physical Enhancement Program , and the Experimental Protocol Program . Read through the site and you can get a better understanding of the program ( AND YES IT WILL BE HARD AS IT SOUNDS ! ) www . shepherd . org / patcare / spec / beyond . aspI have a video camera that my family has purchased to take to Shepherds so that I can film some of my sessions . I want everyone to be apart of my recovery so that you can see what I am doing everyday . This way , you can know EXACTLY what to pray for during my therapy ! Please pray extra hard for me during my time at Shepherds , this is a GREAT opportunity and I want to get the most out of it ! The other day I came across another wonderful website I would like everyone to browse . Shepherd Center has a site called ShepherdTV . org and it shows video clips of the center and success stories of some of the patients at the center and in Beyond Therapy . I have browsed through this site several times but if you are curious as to the care I will be receiving take a minute and browse this site . Click on the SPINAL CORD INJURY PROGRPosted by What an amazing week I have had in therapy ! A few days ago , I stood up ( on my own ) for my first time since my accident . I still have a long ways to go but my progress is amazing . My legs are still very weak but they are being healed by the power of God through all of your prayers ! If you pray for me on a regular basis and pray to God for my recovery then you can watch the video below as proof that prayer works ! You can see with your own two eyes , that nothing is impossible ! I was told in the beginning that recovery from the severity of my injury would not be possible . Well , apparently my Doctors didn 't ask God if it was possible , they just looked at their statistics ! Please understand that I am no where near out of the woods yet ! My recovery is still going to be a long , and hard road . This injury is hard on my family as well as myself . This injury and my recovery has taken a lot from my family . Both time and financially we have had to make sacrifices to give me the best rehab in the country . I am forever grateful for my family and the sacrifices that everyone has made to see this miracle through . Please pray for my entire family as we leave in just two weeks and move to Atlanta for a couple months of therapy ( June 13th I will be leaving . ) I am so extremely blessed with such a wonderful Christian family . From the minute I got news of my acceptance into the Beyond Therapy Program my Christian family went to work for me helping me find a place to stay . I have never seen networking quit like when you put my church family and parents small group to the task ! It was unbelievable how the word has spread . I doubt there is not one single church in all of Georgia that does not know I am coming to Atlanta ! haha ! I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ! Now for the moment everyone has been waiting for . . . . . drum roll please ! ! haha The video below is of me standing up on my own . ( im still working on the whole balance thing ) but its coming ! Please continue praying for me ! Pray for my total recovery and with Gods help we will see Posted by Yes , you heard correctly from the subject above . The other night in therapy , I was able to stand up out of my chair . My therapists who comes to my house decided to work on my ( sit to stand ) ability . We have worked on the before , but in the past my dad , or therapists husband , Jim had to help me up my lifting on my gate belt around my waist . We tried to do it this time , without braces and by just holding onto my dad and jim 's hands . When we counted to three I PUSHED through my feet and by pushing a little into the hands of my dad and Jim I was able to stand up . Once I was up my dad said that I was not pushing through his hands hardly at all . He said that most of the effort came from me pushing through my feet . I was shocked at how quickly I shot up and thought for sure that I was being helped up BUT I WASN ' T being helped at all . I needed proof of this on my own so I told everyone to back away . I wanted everyone several feet away from me with NO ONE TOUCHING ME ! They put the walker in front of me on my mat and on the count of three I SHOT UP into the standing position with very little push through my hands . I STOOD UP ! ! Everyone in the room was excited and could hardly believe it . This was the first time I have stood up on my own . In the past my dad and brother would say that I was helping them when I pushed through my feet to get into the truck . They would say that it was a lot easier for them to lift me up and I was helping stand myself up . Although they said that often I did not know the percentage of help I was giving ! Was it 5 % ? was I helping them 10 % ? I thought my brother and father would just muscle me up into the truck but I didn 't know how much I was helping . Well THIS WEEK I found out that I am helping A TON ! I was able to stand up on my feet with NO ONE touching me ! Once I was up my father had to help brace my knees with his hands because I could not completely support my weight yet but WHAT A MIRACLE FROM GOD ! ! I would have never thought that I would be this far along in such a short time . Your prayers aPosted by Its another week and yet another blog post . There is a lot going on with me in the next few weeks as I prepare for my trip to Atlanta . We are currently still looking for an apartment or place to stay near the Shepherd Center . I would like to find an apartment or hotel that is right near the center where I could actually push myself there everyday . This limits my choices as there are only so many places near the center that would have the accommodations I would need for only a few months . Once we get the apartment or hotel figured out I will be focusing all my efforts on getting prepared for my move . I hope to be there for probably two months depending on money and my progress . How it was explained to me is that you pay for the rehab upfront , for the therapy . The therapists will continue working on you until they see a plateau in your progress . They will then send you home until you regain more movement . You will then go back into rehab for them to facilitate more return . This will be the first therapy where they will focus solely on my walking . On my previous trips to rehab they taught me life skills and worked a little on my legs using the locomat and various other equipment . I AM PUMPED AND READY TO GO ! ! ! I have some more EXCITING news ! I have been looking for a rehab facility close to my house where they focus on spinal cord injuries . Several states have these centers that specialize in SCI injures but NONE were in Florida . A great center I have looked at in the past was called PROJECT WALK but it was in California . Project Walk worked on physical activity to rebuild neuro pathways which many doctors believe is the key to recovery . Today I found out that Project Walk has built a SISTER facility in SANFORD , FLORIDA ! A lady who lives in Orlando had a daughter who suffered a spinal cord injury in April of 2007 about two years ago . She ran into the same problem we had which was finding a rehab facility close by that focuses on SCI injuries . Her daughter went to Shepherds in Atlanta and California for Project Walk foPosted by I am writing you with a grin from ear to ear ! What an amazing God we serve ! I am going to share with everyone an amazing miracle that happened a few days ago . As most of you know I have been rejected from almost every clinical trial due to my level of injury . Scientist and doctors do not know as much about the recovery of the spinal cord at my LOWER level . On Monday , I was very depressed and down in the dumps about how nothing is going my way . I am making so much progress and my legs are continually getting stronger with my PT at home . However , NO ONE will help me get over the hump and take me on with research and advanced therapies . I wrote my last blog post , venting about my frustrations with being rejected . Back in October while at the Shepherd Center I signed up for Beyond Therapy , which is an experimental research program . At Beyond Therapy they use very intense therapies and physical activity to retrain the muscles and rebuild neuro pathways past the injury point . They have had amazing results from this experimental rehab and many top spinal cord doctors believe that physical activity is the KEY to recovery ! When I signed up I was put on a LONG waiting list . I started about 60th on the waiting list with ON AVERAGE 2 or 3 patients being taken off the list each month ! It was going to be FOREVER until I could get into this program . On Monday , after writing my blog and being depressed about my current situation I went to bed praying to God for an answer . I prayed and prayed asking God to open doors for me in regards to my rehab . THE VERY NEXT MORNING , my mom came into my room and woke me up . She said " brent , someone is on the phone for you ! " and handed me the phone ! It was the director of the Beyond Therapy Program at Shepherds . She told me that one of the patients on the waiting list had to cancel and the time slot for admission on JUNE 16th is available ! She said there are 42 other people ahead of me on the list but she would do me this favor and bump me up on the list , if I could make the move to Atlanta to Posted by As most of you know I have been looking to participate in as many clinical trials as possible . Being apart of a clinical trial means that I will get the best in therapies at minimal to no cost . Hospitals and rehab centers like Shepherds and others across the country receives grants for research . That means that the studies are paid for and volunteers are needed for the research . People must apply and meet the criteria to be accepted into the programs . I have applied for numerous clinical trials and have been rejected on almost all of them . The reason for my denial into these programs is because of my level of injury . My break occurred at the T11 / T12 level of my spinal cord . At that level it is where the peripheral nerves branch out into the rest of my legs . Anything BELOW the T - 10 level is not considered part of the central nervous system but the peripheral nervous system . At the T - 10 level which is just ONE level above my injury is where the cord becomes a single cord and runs up to the brain . People with a T - 10 and above is who ALL of the clinical trials are being tested on at this time . I spoke with Dr . Wise Young who is the foremost authority on spinal cords in the US and in China . I asked if I could be apart of his clinical trials on some new and radical things that are coming up the pipeline on spinal cord recovery . He was very nice to me and told me to check in on several institutions who will be seeing out his studies . However , I told him I was a T11 / 12 lower motor neuron legion and he said that his study was for T - 10 and above . ITS THE SAME STORY ! ! I tried for the Action Clinical Trial at Shepherds , which would give me Beyond Therapy for 6 months FOR FREE and I was denied based on my level of injury ! I am getting very frustrated at the lack of studies for people with my levels of injury . I am making progress and I see things changing all the time , but NO ONE will take me on and get me over the hump . Its aggravating to say the least . I feel like I could make HUGE gains if I had the equipment to increase myPosted by I wanted to spend my time on this post to share with everyone not only my current progress but to show others that with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE ! I am so very fortunate to have the support that I have gotten since this injury . I have been to rehab centers and seen people with catastrophic injuries but they are forced to go through it alone . God has provided for me from day 1 . Looking back on where I have come from to where I am now is a testament to the power of God ! My recovery has not been a coincidence , it is not by fate that I have recovered this far , but solely due to God working miracles in my life . From the day I was told id never walk again , I knew that a higher power had to intervene . I prayed a prayer that night in the hospital like I had NEVER prayed before . For an hour straight I made a heartfelt plea for God to bring me out of this ordeal . I wanted to be whole again , and not for one second doubt or limit his power . What an answer he gave me ! ! I am so blessed to have come this far but know that my recovery is just beginning ! I will be doing therapy for YEARS but have NO DOUBT in my mind that I will walk again one day ! As far as my recovery goes , I have good news . These past few weeks I have been able to move my legs even more . Remember when I asked for prayers for my knees to return to me . WELL . . . . . . slowly but surely they are coming back . I am able to know kick my legs out AT THE KNEES from a sitting position . During my pool therapy I did 25 reps of both legs underwater kicking my legs out and pulling them back down . PRAISE GOD ! ! ! Although I still have more recovery to do in my legs , ITS A START ! ! Please continue your prayers for more recovery . My dad bought a video camera this afternoon for me to use in my therapy sessions . I hope to most more videos to my blog in the weeks to come ! So please keep following my progress , and i will share with everyone the Power of God , and you will see miracles IN ACTION ! ! NEVER STOP BELIEVING , NEVER STOP PRAYING , NEVER LOOSE FAITH ! Mark 11 : 22 - 24So Much In Him , BRENPosted by

is the adult Santa Claus , if you don 't believe me just ask Ellen . Not that I am demo who stalks the UPS man , but I did have some projects I wanted to work on over vacation and I needed some supplies from Oriental Trading that arrived today ! My mini vacation starts Wednesday - yippeee . Now I just have to wait for my MIL to come visit for Christmas - she is bringing me my SU order from a party she had late November . My plan is to organize my craft room ( disaster from hiding presents and paper etc ) get ready for family on Thursday , celebrate Christmas with my mom & step dad who I don 't think have been here for Christmas in the 10 years I have lived in this house . Saturday and Sunday will be all for me and new SU toys I have been waiting for . I have so many altered items I want to work on for next years craft fairs . If I start now I may be ready by next year LOL . work isn 't canceled due to snow ? I really wanted a snow day . I have several pictures to crop and load . I wanted to make some scarves today and clear covers for the boxes I have made . How am I suppose to get all that done if I am at work LOL . Check out your local dollar store for great bargains . I don 't even dare to tell my hubby what I spent there the other night . I found the spare picture frames that have the 3x3 opening with the ribbon hanger ; scarves to alter ; mini tote bags that I am going to turn into activity travel bags with the BAB die ( Grammie is giving it to my DD for Christmas and I am counting down to Christmas like a little kid because I want to play with my DD 's toys ! ) Hopefully soon I will be able to load photos quicker . My computer smart husband is going to link my laptop and the big computer together so I can get the photos from any spot in the house and not have to sit at my computer desk . I may be blogging at night now , which may be easier once little people have gone to bed and think I have gone as well . I had a great time this weekend . I only made $ 20 . 00 at the craft fair but my friends and I had fun for a spur of the moment decision . Our high school craft fair isnt the biggest event of the year but it is a fun social time and donations go to the Outing Club . On Sunday I went shopping at Ocean State Job Lots and the Dollar Tree and spent a fortune ! I found so many inexpensive items to alter for next year . I found scarves , gloves , candles etc . I really should be getting my craft room clean so I can start all these projects . I am trying to rearrange my craft room as I clean to make it more user friendly since I am constantly using my big shot lately . I used to have it up on a shelf since I only used it once in awhile . Now that I have built a collection of dies I am using it more and more . I am also trying to use up old things or donate them to the school craft group . I wish weekends were a little longer so I could finish all my plans . Happy Stamping ! Today is our high school craft fair which I am selling a few cards . I made 60 not knowing how it will go . I have a few stamped candles and stamped memo pads . This year I am sharing a table with a lady who sells quilts . Basically she needed help and said if I helped I could put things in it too . We will see how it goes . I have seen lots of things this year on line that if I had been planning far enough ahead I could have done a few more things . I am making a list of all the things I would like to do possible for next year . I guess it all depends on how this year goes . Happy Stamping I found the cutest snowman Sizzix die at JoAnn 's . It has the nose , eyes etc on the die but I had this stamp that fit perfectly on the face and the Snowman Soup stamp fit perfectly on his stomach . I used my Cuttlebug folder to give his scarf and the topnote die some texture . I made about 20 of these for the craft fair at the high school . I have Christmas cards that I have made , some candles and stamped post it notes . Hopefully , I will be more prepared for next year having cards for all sorts of occastions . This year I am just trying out a few things that may sell . Happy Stamping ! Not that is would have done me any good cuz I would have had to slam on my brakes which would have caused an accident LOL . I couldnt believe my eyes . . . I saw a coyote not far from a main road in a field ! ! ! I turned my car around but of course it was gone . It was amazing . I have never seen one even tho my MIL has lost cats to them and you can hear them in the woods near her house . How did the end of the month get here so quickly ? ? I never really got to any Halloween cards other than the BAB . I have been working on a few items for a craft fair coming up at my school . I am also becoming a Big Shot junkie . Not only playing with it , watching videos on different projects which just add to my wish list . . . . I will post what I have been working on later this week . Happy Stamping I have been dying to make on of these cards and thought it would be much harder than it actually was . The little deer stamps up so cute . It is a really basic stamp but can be made into so many cute things I think . Here is the view from the other side . And finally a close up on the verse . If I remember correctly it was done with Close to Cocoa and Chocolate Chip markers . Basically two tones of brown . I think this would be cute done in a red and green combination . Happy Stamping Isn 't he just the cutest ? I 'm not sure if my demonstrator was giving me a treat or a trick ! My mantra was I don 't need the bears for my DD , I dont need the bears for my DD , I dont need the bears for my DD . Guess what is now on my wish list . My demo also had a metal sheet framed with magnetic BABs in different outfits . Basically - - - paperdolls . Drat that demo ! I talked to the Grammie that is a stamper as well and we may go in on it together for Christmas . I will have to ask the other Grammie is she will buy some paper and the magnetic sheets . I guess it has been a good thing that the company I work for doing banquets has been busy - of course I havent saved a dime LOL ! Today is Columbus Day and DD is at daycare & I have the day off . I figure if I have to pay for it if she goes or not ; she can go . Not only have I caught up on laundry but I installed my keyboard shelf to the bottom of my desk giving me a few more inches of work space . Then I worked on making my " punch book " which I have been wanting to do since this summer when Shelly Hoppstaught me her one of her many ideas . I also want to have an inventory since there are so many punch projects out there . Heather and Ellen are great sources for punch ideas along with so many others . A girl has to get the most from her punches ! Happy Stamping My oldest son did it ! He got his drivers license ! ! ! We are so proud of him . Of course now he is completely independent . My little baby is a man - when did that happen ? ! ? ! ( Dear Lord give me strength he brother is only a year behind ) Now I can just chillout for a little while . It had been a busy week . I worked until 10 : 00pm Friday , got up Saturday got three of my girlfriends - we went shopping etc then we went to our stamp club that I got to be the hostess . It was an awesome party ! ! ! ( lots of goodies coming my way and I will post photos of what we did later ) Worked Sunday & Monday , picked ds up at the train station . Wednesday afternoon was his test - he was the last person taken out , the DMV actually closed before he was back from his road test . So we had to go back the next day to take his photo license . I was suppose to work this weekend as well at the college but dd woke up with a fever so we have both slept on and off today . I knew working two jobs & running the kids around was making me tired but I didnt realize how much until I got to sleep . . . . Ok so enough rambling and going on . . . I will try to get the photos loaded this weekend . Again this photo was taken in my dining room which must have terrible lighting . . . the colors in person are so pretty . The leaf is stamped on velum in several colors at once . The colors were put on the stamp with sponge daubers , a breath of life was put on it ( cant call it huffing any more since that is something done with drugs now ) and stamped onto the velum . Velum was then placed on white paper and layered from there . This year our trees are just turning brown ; only a few have bright colors . A summer loaded with rain and cold temps then a quick heat flash in August really damaged the leaves this year . Now that it is " leaf peeping " season there isnt anything pretty to " peep . " I need to clean my disaster that I call a craft room and stamp some pretty leaves I guess . . . . Happy Stamping Here is a cute little card using the large medallion background stamp . Once again it was a stamp I wasn 't going to get . . . . well guess what ? You got it ; that baby was on my Sept order ! It was cute on this card and check out what Gretchen Barron did with it ! ! I just love the looks of that tree and here is a great post with an awesome tutorial . I thought it wouldnt be overly hard just some thinking and going slow . Well Melanie makes it look easy peasy . I am in hopes to earn the tree in Oct when I am hostessing a workshop along with some other great goodies . . . . Here is a card we made at our monthly stamp club . My best friend ( since we were 5 ) was the hostess - she was actually very out of sorts - and didn 't feel well at club so I actually made two of everything while she laid on the demos couch . The colors are much better in real life - I took the photos down stairs and apparently the lighting isn 't all that great . But you get the idea . It was still a great get together for everybody else . Oh my goodness I cant believe it . After being in the car for almost 6 hours straight bringing my son back to his apartment I started checking blogs since I am physically & mentally tired . And I had to stop by my friend Karen 's Blog and I was chosen as a winner of Sizzix texture plates ! I cant believe it ! It really made my day . Karen is a online friend from VC Rocks and she shares great Weight Watchers recipes too Read more . . . Today is my 10th anniversary with DH . Happy Anniversary Honey , I love you ! Last year at this time I went away with my best friend ( her anniversary is later this month ) . Our dear hubbies didnt want to go anyplace with us and we were dying to see Daniel Radcliffe in Equus ( great performances by everyone by the way ) . So my girlfriend and I left hubbies at home and we went to NY for the weekend . My best friend and walked all over NY and had a blast . I took so many pictures my memory card in the camera was full . We also went to Ground Zero . It was heart breaking and it was still a mess at the time . Hopefully there has been more progress since then . Here are photos that I took last year and never posted . This cross was part of a building and it was actually found just like this . The white part is some type of plastic that was melted to the iron . Here is a close up of the plaque that was put at the bottom . Across the way from Ground Zero a building has a wall length memorial made from broze ( I think ) . It is a mural of the site , fire fighters , volunteers , etc . There were flowers and many items that were left in honor of all the victims of that terrible day . One in particular just made me cry . A beer sitting all by itself with a note . God bless those who left us and the survivors . . . Can you believe I have been stamping since 1999 and have never made cards with a one sheet wonder ? ! ? ! Neither can I ; but one day I was bummin ' out because I am getting low on basic card stock and then I realized I had two packages of In Colors ( from 07 I think ) that I had been hoarding . I made these cards as a gift for DH 's grandmother . A few years ago I altered a metal tin and gave her cards . So I figured I better restock it for her . I used odds and ends that I had : I had ribbon that matched the carribean blue perfectly and they were not purchased at the same time or even to be used together . I finally used a gromet that came with my big cropadile . What was I waiting for ? And clear rhinestone brads that I had . My goas is to start using more embellishments on my cards . Here are before and after photos of my daughter . You can see why mommy cried . The hairdresser was great doing the best she could with what was left of my daughters hair . Instead of a " comb over " my daughter has a " comb forward " LOL . It will still be a few months before the shortest part of her bangs grow out and the photo doesnt show the shortest part . It is only hair and it will grow back . . . . eventually . The cats hair is growing in as well . There are only a few spots that really show that she had a haircut too . I still havent figured out why the cat just laid there . I would understand if it was the old cat that only moves to eat and go to the bathroom but it was the one year old cat . However DD gets to drag that young cat around and it never scratches , bites or anything . If anyone else tried any of that stuff our hands would be shredded ! I didnt really know what to title this entry ; so I picked firsts . Many firsts this week . My first vacation ever with my husband in the 10 years we have been married ( we didnt even go away when we married - just eloped and went to work after two days ) DH had a business meeting in the middle of his vacation , so his boss was nice enough to to get DH a separate room and I got to go too . Not that I haven 't been to Massachusetts before . . . but it was nice having someone else pay the bill ! The first day of school was today . Not that is a big deal . . . but a major first happened lastnight . DD decided to give herself and the cat a haircut . The cat wasn 't hurt at all ( you can breath now Wanda ! ) why the cat didn 't run away I don 't know . But I found cat hair and long blond hair under the cats chair ! ! ! DD cut a chunk right out of the middle of her bangs and big chunks off around her ears , and she left most of the length in the back . Until lastnight it has been all one length down to her shoulder blades . I was heart broken since she had taken after my side of the family - we all have peach fuzz until we are two . So unfortunately we had to wait until after the first day of school to get to the hair dressers - who did a great job blending my DD hair in as much as she could . And it is now a short bob hairdo ( ear length ) . Hopefully by next summer it will be long enough for ponytails and braids again . Someone I work with told me to take photos before and after to scrapbook . I didn 't think I had the heart ( it was all I could do not to cry every time I looked at her ) . I forgot until we were at the hairdressers so the " befores " are only on my cell phone . Now that her haircut is cute ( for the most part ) I can see the funny in it . . . . Boys were easier in that aspect - nobody says anything when a boy has a crew cut . But that is a different story all together . The only stamping I have done lately is a set of cards that made from a one sheet wonder . I will try to post later this week . I need to get into the routine of work and exercise again . Until then HapRead more . . . Where did my summer go ? I cant believe I only have a week until school starts again . During VC Rocks I received the cutest little post it note holder from my roomie Sheryl Brown . It was made with 4 envelopes made with the scallop envie and the big shot . God I love those dies & stuff from SU ! So anyways , I had to make my " classroom roommates " a gift . Of course the kids will pull out all the post its . . . . There isnt any . Hubby and son are both working , daughter is off with Grammie , and animals are sleeping ! ! ! ! I can be on the computer & do what I want and watch something besides Scooby Doo . What is a mom to do with all this ? Here is a staircase card made with Flight of the Butterfly which I earned free last Oct . but have never used until now . It goes great with the embossing folder , and the butterfly punch ! The little half pearls had just little bit of bling . I will be making lots of these I think . Note : the stairs start off as 4 1 / 4x11 . Scored at 1 1 / 4 , 2 1 / 2 , 4 1 / 2 , 6 1 / 2 , 8 3 / 4 . The two front white pieces are all 4 1 / 4 x 1 , 4 1 / 4 x1 1 / 2 , then the last panel is 1 / 4 sheet of pink with the white layered like a normal card . Here is a recipe I made for a 4x6 diet recipe swap . If you are doing WW it is 10pts for he entire bowl ! I think the basic recipe makes 5 cups - just 2 points a piece ! It is a big hit at family functions . I chop the fruit on the larger side ; but cut it smaller & it can be more of a salsa and it is great on cinnamon tortilla chips ( Target sells them around here but living in the country ) Also this is the basic recipe . Add any fruits you have on hand . Here is an anniversary card I made for a coworker who begged me to make a card for her to give with a gift that several people were giving together . Until the night I made this , I didn 't know I didn 't own a " Happy Anniversary " stamp . How can I have stamped for 10 years and not own an anniversary stamp ? On the inside it says " and they lived happily ever after " . My son is gone this year for his birthday ; but here is a card that will be waiting for him with a bag of M & Ms that actually has a picture of all the different colored M & Ms with party hats . I didnt notice at first when I bought the bag . With the exception of the flowery poof on the top of the hats the M & Ms are all SU punches ( current & retired ) Today I spent the day working on the side bars of my blog and I finished this card & went for a ride with my daughter to Wendy 's to try to collect another audio book but we just got a repeat . Bummer . We are going to give it to my nephew at some point so not a total waste ( and my daughter took a well needed nap in the car ) . It was nice . Hopefully the nice weather will keep up . We actually turned pink today after being in the sun ! Happy Stamping Check out this awesome blog candy somebody is giving away . Thank You Bethany for helping get the photo ( it was just too easy an answer ) . Visit Priscilla - she was waiting for 30 , 000 hits . When I found her she was already over 41 , 000 . This past weekend my oldest DS moved from a small apartment to a larger apartment with several of his friends . One of the moms were nice enough to offer her van to move large items . Next week DS and one of his roommate are going on a trip together . That mom was nice enough to books the flight & hotel together so they could sit near each other etc . So I made thank you cards for my son to give to the moms who have helped him so much this week . Here are some items I stamped for my VC ROCKS ! hotel roomie . The card is made with some of her favorite colors : So Saffron , Old Olive & Cameo Coral . The 3x3 peice is the same on both items . Teens love to stamp just as much as adults and it isn 't just the girls . My sons both stamped with me when they were little . They had their own stamps and markers . They would make home - made gifts etc . One year my youngest DS made his entire class personalized bookmarks with stamps and the designs matched the students personality . Both my boys are very artistic . Well I was hostessing a Teen 3D swap and hardly any teens were joining - so I begged my son to join telling him I saw a really cute idea for necklaces on line and he coudl do something like that and give one to his girlfriend etc . . . So the bribery worked . Eventually I did get enough teen stampers and unfortunately my son and his girlfiend broke up before he gave her the necklace . Oh well he has a gift made for the next one . And he ws the only boy to join the swap so hopfully all the girls that receive one of these will like it . Isn 't just as cute as can be ! Here is a cute little gift made with a Sizzixpilow box dies , 7mm transparencies and the Crazy for Cupcakes set . Really , anything small could go in here but who doesn 't like M & Ms . I don 't know how many pictures I took in NY at the M & M store for heaven 's sake ! I joined several swaps this year on VC ROCKS ! a yahoo group I belong to . The key chain was a budget swap that the items had to be less than a dollar . The butterfly is a 2x2 tile on a magnetic clip ( from Walmart ) then I coated it with chrystal effects and put glitter over it . This could be stuck on something metal or it can actually stand on a table as a photo / note holder . My son who went away to CDIA at Boston University finished his practicum with the " team " he was paired up with . Their client was the Asian Task Force Against Domestic Violence and this is the video they made and I believe it will be used as the opening video when Atask has conferences etc . Now he just needs a job to pay for his education . Leave a post if anyone needs something animated : ) Nobody ever calls me Stacy ( unless I am in trouble with my mom ) . Everyone has always called me Stace . I joined Stampin ' Up ! November 2010 . I have been doing crafts for as long as I can remember . I have tried almost everything from using alphabet soup as a child ; to crocheting , sewing , painting , etc . For some years now I have enjoyed card making and paper - crafts and I enjoy the almost instant gratification it brings . I hope you enjoy my little part of cyberspace . All stamped images are copyright of Stampin ' Up ! 1990 - 2012 . They are shared for personal non - commercial use and inspiration only . Thanks for your support ! Stace

Rarely is that a novel that is truly unique . So often writers mimic each other , whether or not it is unconscious , but they still stick to a writing style . Eucalyptus is so unique that it is a masterpiece standing on its own . Nothing comes near it . My expectation from the title was that the story was based in country Australia , and my expectation from the thickness of the novel that there would be a lot to the story . I was right on the first , and wrong on the second . Murray Bail seems like the kind of slowly moving man that watches everything . I picture him as an observer , taking everything in around him . The main character , the father , has been described as gruff and a captor . I don 't see him that way . He is a typical Aussie bloke from that era - no expression , little communication , and clueless about women . He thought he was protecting his daughter , and he thought what worked for him would work for her . One of my expectations was that the story would be substantial , but it turned out that Murray Bail used the main story to weave in lots of little stories and anecdotes . There was also slabs of information about eucalypts , which got a bit boring , but also made me ashamed that I don 't know more about our native trees . I skipped through a lot of the information , and the short stories , urgently seeking the next tail of the story line . I get like that - impatient - when I enjoy a story and the characters , and I just want the pace to move a bit faster . If the novel doesn 't accommodate the pace , which this one didn 't , then I make the pace up myself . . . by skipping over whole sections . I have started writing the first chapter of my novel this weekend . As a warm up , to get me motivated to write , I decided to do an exercise to get myself motivated . From the book Now Write , I decided to do an exercise by Joan Leegant called Animating the Inanimate . Therefore , I am well positioned to know what is going on in my house . It is around me that the morning routine rotates . I am there when the happenings of the day are discussed as the sun goes down and the white florescent light shines on . I am privy to the financial discussions , the arguments , and the expressions of love . I witness many embraces , many tears , and many celebrations . I know all the family secrets before anyone else , because I alone am listening when no one else is around . They place a lot of trust in me , and they love me for it . It is me that they listen for as the dawn light filters in . It is my side that they cup tenderly , sometimes pulling their hands away with a shock , feeling my warmth . It is I that gets lifted gently , and then replaced in my cradle when they are done . I am indispensable . . . I am a kettle . It feels very childish - like something I would have written in primary school . But it did the trick , and got me motivated to right . I have completed the first draft of my first chapter . Having just finished Wolf Hall , I thought I would read something quick and light . I chose The Boy In the Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne . I hadn 't heard anything about this story , and thought it would be easy . It is written from the point of view of a 9 year old , and very refreshing . However , this story is the most shocking and saddening story that I have read in a long time . It was so touching , and I think was enhanced because of the point of view that it was written from . The main character , Bruno , who is 9 years old , does seem to be a lot younger in many of his thought processes . He may be a little simple , or the writer may have had difficulty remembering how a 9 year old really thinks . . . or he was so protected from the real world by his mother that he was extremely naive . He lived in his own world , and he was the centre of his universe . It is touching how he pronounces things wrong : he calls the Fuhrer the " Fury " , and he calls Auschwitz " Out - With " . Bruno 's father is a Commandant in the Nazi party . He tells Bruno that the people in Auschwitz are " not people at all " . Bruno is too young to understand racism . But his mother is depressed and ( although she seems to like her husband 's status ) she doesn 't agree with what he 's doing . Bruno 's grandmother is the only person that Bruno has seen stand up to his father , and openly oppose the views of the Nazi party . Bruno , though , doesn 't understand what the argument is over . Through the dialogue that Bruno hears , the reader draws this conclusion . Bruno 's mother says " we don 't have the luxury of thinking " , and she means that if they think any differently from the Nazi party that their lives are in danger . At the end , Bruno 's father seems to realise the horror of what he has done , even if only to his own son . He seems to realise the suffering that he subjected people too , even if he thought of the Jews as less than human . There is a reference at the very end of the book to Bruno 's father being taken away submissively by other soldiers . I think this is the allies coming to free to Jews from Auschwitz and taking Bruno 's father prisoner . He goes willingly because he thinks he deserves to be punished . This week , I worked on developing my characters . I developed my main character and his love interest , his parents and his siblings . I also developed my murderers . My cattle thieves are John " Jack " Beveridge and James Sidney " Sid " Beveridge . These brothers were the third and fifth children on five , born in Harrietville . They grew up with parents that were too busy for them , running a farm and a guesthouse at the gateway to the snow fields in Victoria . By the time Sid was born , his parents had absolutely no time for him . Jack became Sid 's mentor . He idolised Jack , and tailed him everywhere . Jack was a cruel man . Harsh , unsympathetic and ruthless . He was strict on Sid and uncompromising . He beat Sid , called him names , put him down , and broke him . However , he would not let anyone else talk down to Sid , and would not let Sid put up with anyone talking down to him . He would set Sid on people , like a fighting dog . Jack dominated Sid completely . Jack worked in a gold mine , saving money to buy a farm . In the early 1900s , he bought a farm at the top of the Buckland valley , with cattle lease rights including the Barry Mountains and Tea Tree Range . Sid and Ada went to live with him , and work for him . Jack would buy cheap cattle all over Victoria , and he would send Sid to collect . Sid became an excellent cattleman , and would steal extra cattle when he was driving Jack 's cattle home . Sid had no idea of what was right or wrong . He took what he wanted , and wasn 't pulled up by anyone because they were scared of him . Sid was scared of no one except for Jack . He was a fighter . Jack wouldn 't berate Sid for stealing , because to contributed to his own wealth . Sid often stole to give a gift to Jack . Sid was simple . He wasn 't interested in anything but making Jack happy , and cattle . He loved cattle . He dreamt about cattle . He loved the calves , how they played , and how they wagged their tails when they drank from their mother . He hated weaning the calves , which he always thought was done too early . He hated selling them , but Jack would hit him over the back of the head and sell them anyway . They wanted Jim Barclay 's cattle , which were fine cattle and worth a lot . Jack set Sid to kill Jim , and they stole all the cattle . Conveniently , Jim Barclay and Jack Beveridge shared the same initials , so Jack sold the cattle as if they were his own . He got very rich and bought up land all over north - east Victoria . Sid was never concerned about being caught . It never crossed his mind that what he had done was wrong . If the police had ever suspected , and come asking questions , Jack would have dobbed Sid straight in and turned his back on his brother . But it never came to this . I haven 't done a book review for a while , because I have been reading the epic novel by Hilary Mantel : Wolf Hall . It won the Man Booker prize in 2009 . It took me about three weeks , when I am used to reading a book in a week . At a few points , I was ready to give up . The pace was slow , some of the paragraphs were nearly a page long . It was also confusing , because the writer kept referring to Thomas Cromwell ( the main character ) as ' he ' , even when there were other male characters in the scene . So , I was always having to reread sections to work out you said what , and what Cromwell actually did and didn 't do . After taking about 300 pages to build up , I did actually like Cromwell a lot . He was a great character . I think I like him because he was modern for his time , and a realist . He was also highly intelligent , and a hard worker . He was fair , and compassionate . He 's also never completely loyal to anyone but himself , and he 's not afraid to lie and cheat to get what he wants . The other reason I kept reading was that I know and love the story of King Henry VIII . This is the fourth novel about Henry that I have read . I have also watched the TV series : the Tudors . The story of Henry has never been told from a secondary perspective around Cromwell . It portrayed Henry in a different light , too , because of the experiences Cromwell had lived and where he was coming from . I think the next novel I should read about Henry will be A Man for All Seasons . Apparently there are some stark contrasts between how the characters are portrayed in each of these books . Sir Thomas More irritated me in this novel . But that is hardly surprising , since I have very little time for extremists . And that 's what I consider More to be . The most disappointing thing for me was that I felt the book finished in the wrong place . I thought it was called Wolf Hall because it would continue through until Jane Seymour became queen . The may that Mantel has portrayed Jane Seymour makes me wonder how she ever got noticed by Henry . Answering that question was one of the reasons I kept reading , but not to have that question answered has left me feeling unsatisfied . Obviously , if we don 't even get to the point when Jane Seymour is queen , then we don 't get to Cromwell 's lutheran queen , and the beginning of his end . Does that mean that there is room for a sequel to Mantel 's epic ? I hope not : I can 't cope with putting this much effort into reading . This is a very difficult task . Although I have a broad outline of the story in my head , I like it to unfold while I write . Having to write the climax when I haven 't fully developed my characters and setting is difficult . I know that I want Harry to find Jim 's killers and subtly confront them . But I don 't know where or how that 's going to happen yet . I don 't think I 'll end up using this scene , and I 've rushed it because I know I won 't use it . But the exercise was great , because it 's made me think that far ahead . ASSIGNMENT by JacquiHe sat in the hard pew at the back of the church , back stiff , and hands folded unnaturally in his lap . Mark sat beside him , leaning towards Harry and whispering gossip about each of the locals as they filed past to the front of the church . Harry was not listening closely . He was watching each man pass , trying to recognise any of the figures that he had seen from a distance , sitting on top of the Buckland spur and watching the drovers . He began to think his intuition was off . He was kidding himself if he thought that Jim 's murderer would walk through the arch and identify himself . It was a long shot that the murderer had been sitting comfortably here in Myrtleford , as the police scoured Mansfield , Dargo and Gippsland . But when Harry saw him , he knew instantly . An average looking man , wearing a suit that was rolled up at the sleeves , and the legs tucked into his boots . The man had forgotten to remove his hat as he entered . It was pulled low over his eyes . As Harry watched , the man reached up and lifted the hat from his head , revealing deep - set eyes and greasy dark hair . " Jack Beveridge , " Mark whispered , continuing his commentary which Harry had not listened to until now . Harry took note to the initials - JB . Jim Barclay . " His family is from Harrietville . A whole heap of Beveridges all over there . He 's come into some money recently , because he 's been buying up farms and land all over Buckland and Abbeyard . Strange , though . His brother is always trailing close by . " As if to prove his point , a taller man ducked into the interior of the church . " There he is . Sid . " The service passed without Harry hearing a word . He murmered " Amen " when the congregation did . He tried to concentrate , but his eyes kept slipping over to where Jack and Sid Beveridge sat . When the priest finally shut his book with a snap , Harry slid from his pew and ducked straight out the back of the church , into the sun . He was letting the warmth soak into his upturned face when Mark found him . " We 're not leaving yet . Let me introduce you around to soThe men continued to hold their hand shake , looking into each other 's eyes , each now knowing that the other man knew that he knew . Harry recognised the importance of this moment , and would not drop his eyes first . He would be forever in danger if he did . This man would come and hunt him down . Or send his brother . Sid shifted again and stepped forward , breaking Jack 's gaze and drawing his eyes towards his brother . The moment passed , and Harry released Jack 's hand as the other man stepped back . He watched Jack for a moment longer , before turning to grasp Sid 's hand for two brief pumps . It was clear that Sid did not see what had passed , and though Harry felt sure that Sid knew who he was , Sid did not suspect that Harry knew who they were . Knew their darkest deeds , and where they had come upon their money . Selling cattle with the brand " JB " . After briefly discussing the lack of rainfall , Harry let Mark steer him away . He felt the deep set eyes burn a hollow into his back , which made him walker taller and stronger . He knew . When you do get to write the climax , however , I hope that you will give us a little more than this . ' Subtle ' is all very well , but I feel you are being just a little too subtle here . For example , we don 't get Jack 's final reaction . Yes , he knows Harry knows , but what then ? What expressions cross his face ? How does his body language change ? When Harry watches the man ' for a moment longer ' , what does he see ? Last year , before I moved , I was a member in a brilliant book club . I still carry around the book list from the book club in my bag , so that when I am in a bookshop I can look for something rather than just browse . I use it as a guide . Only one book from each author is listed , so sometimes I will chose a different book by the same author . The aim is just to get me reading a wider variety of books than I ever read before . If I don 't like an author , I never had to read their writing again . If I do like an author , then I will find out what else they have written , and form a great relationship with their books . ALLENDE , Isabel - Ines of my Soul . I have already read " Of Love and Shadows " by Isabel Allende . I liked her style enough to try one more book by her . Either this one , or " The House of the Spirits " . ARMSTRONG , Lance - It 's Not About the Bike . Read it . It 's not about the bike - it 's about a huge ego . AUSTEN , Jane - Persuasion . I have read " Pride and Prejudice " and tried to read " Sense and Sensibility " but hated it . I 'm not going to try any more Jane Austen unless someone can convince me otherwise . BRONTE , Charlotte - Jane Eyre . I 've seen the movie . I 'm not interested in reading the book . I have bought her sister 's book , Wuthering Heights , so I 'll give that a go . GREGORY , Philippa - The Other Boleyn Girl . Read it . Loved it ! Read the sequel , and loved it also . I 've also bought The Other Queen and The White Queen to read . GRUEN , Sara - Water for Elephants . Read it , loved it ! I 'm not interested in seeing the movie . I will read more by Sara . HARDY , Thomas - Tess of the D ' Urbervilles . I know this story , because I watched the TV series . Not interested in reading it , now that I know the story . I might try something else by this author , if there is anything . MCCARTHY , Cormac - All the Pretty Horses . I have read The Road . I have also bought Blood Meridian . If I also like that , then I will read more of Cormac 's writing . MCEWAN , Ian - On Chesil Beach . I have read Atonement . I have tried to read another book by Ian , but hated it so much that I put it down ( I hate putting books down , it feels like a failure ) . I might try something else by Ian , if it is recommended to me . NIFFENEGGER , Audrey - The Time Traveller 's Wife . Read it . It was confusing to begin with , and hard to read . But then it flowed well , and I loved it . Hated the movie ! I will read more of Audrey 's PICOULT , Jodi - My Sister 's Keeper . I have read something by Jodi already . It didn 't stand out . It was too ordinary . I 'm not in a rush to pick up another book by her , at this point . Unless someone wants to recommend one ? REILLY , Matthew - Temple . As an Australian author , I should have read something by Matthew already , but I haven 't . I 've bought Scarecrow to read . SEBOLD , Alice - The Lovely Bones . Read it , loved it . Also saw the movie , and although it missed out a lot ( as movies always do ) , I think the movie was great . It didn 't stick to my imagination , either , but it had such an emotional effect on me that I cried throughout most of it ! SILVEY , Craig - Jasper Jones . Read it . It was edgy , but I don 't think I 'll read anything by Craig again . It seems like it is young adult fiction . TSIOLKAS , Christos - The Slap . I 've read it . I might try something else by Christos , mainly because he is Australian . I am hopeful that not all his writing is as sex - and drug - obsessed .

Rarely is that a novel that is truly unique . So often writers mimic each other , whether or not it is unconscious , but they still stick to a writing style . Eucalyptus is so unique that it is a masterpiece standing on its own . Nothing comes near it . My expectation from the title was that the story was based in country Australia , and my expectation from the thickness of the novel that there would be a lot to the story . I was right on the first , and wrong on the second . Murray Bail seems like the kind of slowly moving man that watches everything . I picture him as an observer , taking everything in around him . The main character , the father , has been described as gruff and a captor . I don 't see him that way . He is a typical Aussie bloke from that era - no expression , little communication , and clueless about women . He thought he was protecting his daughter , and he thought what worked for him would work for her . One of my expectations was that the story would be substantial , but it turned out that Murray Bail used the main story to weave in lots of little stories and anecdotes . There was also slabs of information about eucalypts , which got a bit boring , but also made me ashamed that I don 't know more about our native trees . I skipped through a lot of the information , and the short stories , urgently seeking the next tail of the story line . I get like that - impatient - when I enjoy a story and the characters , and I just want the pace to move a bit faster . If the novel doesn 't accommodate the pace , which this one didn 't , then I make the pace up myself . . . by skipping over whole sections . I have started writing the first chapter of my novel this weekend . As a warm up , to get me motivated to write , I decided to do an exercise to get myself motivated . From the book Now Write , I decided to do an exercise by Joan Leegant called Animating the Inanimate . Therefore , I am well positioned to know what is going on in my house . It is around me that the morning routine rotates . I am there when the happenings of the day are discussed as the sun goes down and the white florescent light shines on . I am privy to the financial discussions , the arguments , and the expressions of love . I witness many embraces , many tears , and many celebrations . I know all the family secrets before anyone else , because I alone am listening when no one else is around . They place a lot of trust in me , and they love me for it . It is me that they listen for as the dawn light filters in . It is my side that they cup tenderly , sometimes pulling their hands away with a shock , feeling my warmth . It is I that gets lifted gently , and then replaced in my cradle when they are done . I am indispensable . . . I am a kettle . It feels very childish - like something I would have written in primary school . But it did the trick , and got me motivated to right . I have completed the first draft of my first chapter . Having just finished Wolf Hall , I thought I would read something quick and light . I chose The Boy In the Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne . I hadn 't heard anything about this story , and thought it would be easy . It is written from the point of view of a 9 year old , and very refreshing . However , this story is the most shocking and saddening story that I have read in a long time . It was so touching , and I think was enhanced because of the point of view that it was written from . The main character , Bruno , who is 9 years old , does seem to be a lot younger in many of his thought processes . He may be a little simple , or the writer may have had difficulty remembering how a 9 year old really thinks . . . or he was so protected from the real world by his mother that he was extremely naive . He lived in his own world , and he was the centre of his universe . It is touching how he pronounces things wrong : he calls the Fuhrer the " Fury " , and he calls Auschwitz " Out - With " . Bruno 's father is a Commandant in the Nazi party . He tells Bruno that the people in Auschwitz are " not people at all " . Bruno is too young to understand racism . But his mother is depressed and ( although she seems to like her husband 's status ) she doesn 't agree with what he 's doing . Bruno 's grandmother is the only person that Bruno has seen stand up to his father , and openly oppose the views of the Nazi party . Bruno , though , doesn 't understand what the argument is over . Through the dialogue that Bruno hears , the reader draws this conclusion . Bruno 's mother says " we don 't have the luxury of thinking " , and she means that if they think any differently from the Nazi party that their lives are in danger . At the end , Bruno 's father seems to realise the horror of what he has done , even if only to his own son . He seems to realise the suffering that he subjected people too , even if he thought of the Jews as less than human . There is a reference at the very end of the book to Bruno 's father being taken away submissively by other soldiers . I think this is the allies coming to free to Jews from Auschwitz and taking Bruno 's father prisoner . He goes willingly because he thinks he deserves to be punished . This week , I worked on developing my characters . I developed my main character and his love interest , his parents and his siblings . I also developed my murderers . My cattle thieves are John " Jack " Beveridge and James Sidney " Sid " Beveridge . These brothers were the third and fifth children on five , born in Harrietville . They grew up with parents that were too busy for them , running a farm and a guesthouse at the gateway to the snow fields in Victoria . By the time Sid was born , his parents had absolutely no time for him . Jack became Sid 's mentor . He idolised Jack , and tailed him everywhere . Jack was a cruel man . Harsh , unsympathetic and ruthless . He was strict on Sid and uncompromising . He beat Sid , called him names , put him down , and broke him . However , he would not let anyone else talk down to Sid , and would not let Sid put up with anyone talking down to him . He would set Sid on people , like a fighting dog . Jack dominated Sid completely . Jack worked in a gold mine , saving money to buy a farm . In the early 1900s , he bought a farm at the top of the Buckland valley , with cattle lease rights including the Barry Mountains and Tea Tree Range . Sid and Ada went to live with him , and work for him . Jack would buy cheap cattle all over Victoria , and he would send Sid to collect . Sid became an excellent cattleman , and would steal extra cattle when he was driving Jack 's cattle home . Sid had no idea of what was right or wrong . He took what he wanted , and wasn 't pulled up by anyone because they were scared of him . Sid was scared of no one except for Jack . He was a fighter . Jack wouldn 't berate Sid for stealing , because to contributed to his own wealth . Sid often stole to give a gift to Jack . Sid was simple . He wasn 't interested in anything but making Jack happy , and cattle . He loved cattle . He dreamt about cattle . He loved the calves , how they played , and how they wagged their tails when they drank from their mother . He hated weaning the calves , which he always thought was done too early . He hated selling them , but Jack would hit him over the back of the head and sell them anyway . They wanted Jim Barclay 's cattle , which were fine cattle and worth a lot . Jack set Sid to kill Jim , and they stole all the cattle . Conveniently , Jim Barclay and Jack Beveridge shared the same initials , so Jack sold the cattle as if they were his own . He got very rich and bought up land all over north - east Victoria . Sid was never concerned about being caught . It never crossed his mind that what he had done was wrong . If the police had ever suspected , and come asking questions , Jack would have dobbed Sid straight in and turned his back on his brother . But it never came to this . I haven 't done a book review for a while , because I have been reading the epic novel by Hilary Mantel : Wolf Hall . It won the Man Booker prize in 2009 . It took me about three weeks , when I am used to reading a book in a week . At a few points , I was ready to give up . The pace was slow , some of the paragraphs were nearly a page long . It was also confusing , because the writer kept referring to Thomas Cromwell ( the main character ) as ' he ' , even when there were other male characters in the scene . So , I was always having to reread sections to work out you said what , and what Cromwell actually did and didn 't do . After taking about 300 pages to build up , I did actually like Cromwell a lot . He was a great character . I think I like him because he was modern for his time , and a realist . He was also highly intelligent , and a hard worker . He was fair , and compassionate . He 's also never completely loyal to anyone but himself , and he 's not afraid to lie and cheat to get what he wants . The other reason I kept reading was that I know and love the story of King Henry VIII . This is the fourth novel about Henry that I have read . I have also watched the TV series : the Tudors . The story of Henry has never been told from a secondary perspective around Cromwell . It portrayed Henry in a different light , too , because of the experiences Cromwell had lived and where he was coming from . I think the next novel I should read about Henry will be A Man for All Seasons . Apparently there are some stark contrasts between how the characters are portrayed in each of these books . Sir Thomas More irritated me in this novel . But that is hardly surprising , since I have very little time for extremists . And that 's what I consider More to be . The most disappointing thing for me was that I felt the book finished in the wrong place . I thought it was called Wolf Hall because it would continue through until Jane Seymour became queen . The may that Mantel has portrayed Jane Seymour makes me wonder how she ever got noticed by Henry . Answering that question was one of the reasons I kept reading , but not to have that question answered has left me feeling unsatisfied . Obviously , if we don 't even get to the point when Jane Seymour is queen , then we don 't get to Cromwell 's lutheran queen , and the beginning of his end . Does that mean that there is room for a sequel to Mantel 's epic ? I hope not : I can 't cope with putting this much effort into reading . This is a very difficult task . Although I have a broad outline of the story in my head , I like it to unfold while I write . Having to write the climax when I haven 't fully developed my characters and setting is difficult . I know that I want Harry to find Jim 's killers and subtly confront them . But I don 't know where or how that 's going to happen yet . I don 't think I 'll end up using this scene , and I 've rushed it because I know I won 't use it . But the exercise was great , because it 's made me think that far ahead . ASSIGNMENT by JacquiHe sat in the hard pew at the back of the church , back stiff , and hands folded unnaturally in his lap . Mark sat beside him , leaning towards Harry and whispering gossip about each of the locals as they filed past to the front of the church . Harry was not listening closely . He was watching each man pass , trying to recognise any of the figures that he had seen from a distance , sitting on top of the Buckland spur and watching the drovers . He began to think his intuition was off . He was kidding himself if he thought that Jim 's murderer would walk through the arch and identify himself . It was a long shot that the murderer had been sitting comfortably here in Myrtleford , as the police scoured Mansfield , Dargo and Gippsland . But when Harry saw him , he knew instantly . An average looking man , wearing a suit that was rolled up at the sleeves , and the legs tucked into his boots . The man had forgotten to remove his hat as he entered . It was pulled low over his eyes . As Harry watched , the man reached up and lifted the hat from his head , revealing deep - set eyes and greasy dark hair . " Jack Beveridge , " Mark whispered , continuing his commentary which Harry had not listened to until now . Harry took note to the initials - JB . Jim Barclay . " His family is from Harrietville . A whole heap of Beveridges all over there . He 's come into some money recently , because he 's been buying up farms and land all over Buckland and Abbeyard . Strange , though . His brother is always trailing close by . " As if to prove his point , a taller man ducked into the interior of the church . " There he is . Sid . " The service passed without Harry hearing a word . He murmered " Amen " when the congregation did . He tried to concentrate , but his eyes kept slipping over to where Jack and Sid Beveridge sat . When the priest finally shut his book with a snap , Harry slid from his pew and ducked straight out the back of the church , into the sun . He was letting the warmth soak into his upturned face when Mark found him . " We 're not leaving yet . Let me introduce you around to soThe men continued to hold their hand shake , looking into each other 's eyes , each now knowing that the other man knew that he knew . Harry recognised the importance of this moment , and would not drop his eyes first . He would be forever in danger if he did . This man would come and hunt him down . Or send his brother . Sid shifted again and stepped forward , breaking Jack 's gaze and drawing his eyes towards his brother . The moment passed , and Harry released Jack 's hand as the other man stepped back . He watched Jack for a moment longer , before turning to grasp Sid 's hand for two brief pumps . It was clear that Sid did not see what had passed , and though Harry felt sure that Sid knew who he was , Sid did not suspect that Harry knew who they were . Knew their darkest deeds , and where they had come upon their money . Selling cattle with the brand " JB " . After briefly discussing the lack of rainfall , Harry let Mark steer him away . He felt the deep set eyes burn a hollow into his back , which made him walker taller and stronger . He knew . When you do get to write the climax , however , I hope that you will give us a little more than this . ' Subtle ' is all very well , but I feel you are being just a little too subtle here . For example , we don 't get Jack 's final reaction . Yes , he knows Harry knows , but what then ? What expressions cross his face ? How does his body language change ? When Harry watches the man ' for a moment longer ' , what does he see ? Last year , before I moved , I was a member in a brilliant book club . I still carry around the book list from the book club in my bag , so that when I am in a bookshop I can look for something rather than just browse . I use it as a guide . Only one book from each author is listed , so sometimes I will chose a different book by the same author . The aim is just to get me reading a wider variety of books than I ever read before . If I don 't like an author , I never had to read their writing again . If I do like an author , then I will find out what else they have written , and form a great relationship with their books . ALLENDE , Isabel - Ines of my Soul . I have already read " Of Love and Shadows " by Isabel Allende . I liked her style enough to try one more book by her . Either this one , or " The House of the Spirits " . ARMSTRONG , Lance - It 's Not About the Bike . Read it . It 's not about the bike - it 's about a huge ego . AUSTEN , Jane - Persuasion . I have read " Pride and Prejudice " and tried to read " Sense and Sensibility " but hated it . I 'm not going to try any more Jane Austen unless someone can convince me otherwise . BRONTE , Charlotte - Jane Eyre . I 've seen the movie . I 'm not interested in reading the book . I have bought her sister 's book , Wuthering Heights , so I 'll give that a go . GREGORY , Philippa - The Other Boleyn Girl . Read it . Loved it ! Read the sequel , and loved it also . I 've also bought The Other Queen and The White Queen to read . GRUEN , Sara - Water for Elephants . Read it , loved it ! I 'm not interested in seeing the movie . I will read more by Sara . HARDY , Thomas - Tess of the D ' Urbervilles . I know this story , because I watched the TV series . Not interested in reading it , now that I know the story . I might try something else by this author , if there is anything . MCCARTHY , Cormac - All the Pretty Horses . I have read The Road . I have also bought Blood Meridian . If I also like that , then I will read more of Cormac 's writing . MCEWAN , Ian - On Chesil Beach . I have read Atonement . I have tried to read another book by Ian , but hated it so much that I put it down ( I hate putting books down , it feels like a failure ) . I might try something else by Ian , if it is recommended to me . NIFFENEGGER , Audrey - The Time Traveller 's Wife . Read it . It was confusing to begin with , and hard to read . But then it flowed well , and I loved it . Hated the movie ! I will read more of Audrey 's PICOULT , Jodi - My Sister 's Keeper . I have read something by Jodi already . It didn 't stand out . It was too ordinary . I 'm not in a rush to pick up another book by her , at this point . Unless someone wants to recommend one ? REILLY , Matthew - Temple . As an Australian author , I should have read something by Matthew already , but I haven 't . I 've bought Scarecrow to read . SEBOLD , Alice - The Lovely Bones . Read it , loved it . Also saw the movie , and although it missed out a lot ( as movies always do ) , I think the movie was great . It didn 't stick to my imagination , either , but it had such an emotional effect on me that I cried throughout most of it ! SILVEY , Craig - Jasper Jones . Read it . It was edgy , but I don 't think I 'll read anything by Craig again . It seems like it is young adult fiction . TSIOLKAS , Christos - The Slap . I 've read it . I might try something else by Christos , mainly because he is Australian . I am hopeful that not all his writing is as sex - and drug - obsessed .

Rarely is that a novel that is truly unique . So often writers mimic each other , whether or not it is unconscious , but they still stick to a writing style . Eucalyptus is so unique that it is a masterpiece standing on its own . Nothing comes near it . My expectation from the title was that the story was based in country Australia , and my expectation from the thickness of the novel that there would be a lot to the story . I was right on the first , and wrong on the second . Murray Bail seems like the kind of slowly moving man that watches everything . I picture him as an observer , taking everything in around him . The main character , the father , has been described as gruff and a captor . I don 't see him that way . He is a typical Aussie bloke from that era - no expression , little communication , and clueless about women . He thought he was protecting his daughter , and he thought what worked for him would work for her . One of my expectations was that the story would be substantial , but it turned out that Murray Bail used the main story to weave in lots of little stories and anecdotes . There was also slabs of information about eucalypts , which got a bit boring , but also made me ashamed that I don 't know more about our native trees . I skipped through a lot of the information , and the short stories , urgently seeking the next tail of the story line . I get like that - impatient - when I enjoy a story and the characters , and I just want the pace to move a bit faster . If the novel doesn 't accommodate the pace , which this one didn 't , then I make the pace up myself . . . by skipping over whole sections . I have started writing the first chapter of my novel this weekend . As a warm up , to get me motivated to write , I decided to do an exercise to get myself motivated . From the book Now Write , I decided to do an exercise by Joan Leegant called Animating the Inanimate . Therefore , I am well positioned to know what is going on in my house . It is around me that the morning routine rotates . I am there when the happenings of the day are discussed as the sun goes down and the white florescent light shines on . I am privy to the financial discussions , the arguments , and the expressions of love . I witness many embraces , many tears , and many celebrations . I know all the family secrets before anyone else , because I alone am listening when no one else is around . They place a lot of trust in me , and they love me for it . It is me that they listen for as the dawn light filters in . It is my side that they cup tenderly , sometimes pulling their hands away with a shock , feeling my warmth . It is I that gets lifted gently , and then replaced in my cradle when they are done . I am indispensable . . . I am a kettle . It feels very childish - like something I would have written in primary school . But it did the trick , and got me motivated to right . I have completed the first draft of my first chapter . Having just finished Wolf Hall , I thought I would read something quick and light . I chose The Boy In the Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne . I hadn 't heard anything about this story , and thought it would be easy . It is written from the point of view of a 9 year old , and very refreshing . However , this story is the most shocking and saddening story that I have read in a long time . It was so touching , and I think was enhanced because of the point of view that it was written from . The main character , Bruno , who is 9 years old , does seem to be a lot younger in many of his thought processes . He may be a little simple , or the writer may have had difficulty remembering how a 9 year old really thinks . . . or he was so protected from the real world by his mother that he was extremely naive . He lived in his own world , and he was the centre of his universe . It is touching how he pronounces things wrong : he calls the Fuhrer the " Fury " , and he calls Auschwitz " Out - With " . Bruno 's father is a Commandant in the Nazi party . He tells Bruno that the people in Auschwitz are " not people at all " . Bruno is too young to understand racism . But his mother is depressed and ( although she seems to like her husband 's status ) she doesn 't agree with what he 's doing . Bruno 's grandmother is the only person that Bruno has seen stand up to his father , and openly oppose the views of the Nazi party . Bruno , though , doesn 't understand what the argument is over . Through the dialogue that Bruno hears , the reader draws this conclusion . Bruno 's mother says " we don 't have the luxury of thinking " , and she means that if they think any differently from the Nazi party that their lives are in danger . At the end , Bruno 's father seems to realise the horror of what he has done , even if only to his own son . He seems to realise the suffering that he subjected people too , even if he thought of the Jews as less than human . There is a reference at the very end of the book to Bruno 's father being taken away submissively by other soldiers . I think this is the allies coming to free to Jews from Auschwitz and taking Bruno 's father prisoner . He goes willingly because he thinks he deserves to be punished . This week , I worked on developing my characters . I developed my main character and his love interest , his parents and his siblings . I also developed my murderers . My cattle thieves are John " Jack " Beveridge and James Sidney " Sid " Beveridge . These brothers were the third and fifth children on five , born in Harrietville . They grew up with parents that were too busy for them , running a farm and a guesthouse at the gateway to the snow fields in Victoria . By the time Sid was born , his parents had absolutely no time for him . Jack became Sid 's mentor . He idolised Jack , and tailed him everywhere . Jack was a cruel man . Harsh , unsympathetic and ruthless . He was strict on Sid and uncompromising . He beat Sid , called him names , put him down , and broke him . However , he would not let anyone else talk down to Sid , and would not let Sid put up with anyone talking down to him . He would set Sid on people , like a fighting dog . Jack dominated Sid completely . Jack worked in a gold mine , saving money to buy a farm . In the early 1900s , he bought a farm at the top of the Buckland valley , with cattle lease rights including the Barry Mountains and Tea Tree Range . Sid and Ada went to live with him , and work for him . Jack would buy cheap cattle all over Victoria , and he would send Sid to collect . Sid became an excellent cattleman , and would steal extra cattle when he was driving Jack 's cattle home . Sid had no idea of what was right or wrong . He took what he wanted , and wasn 't pulled up by anyone because they were scared of him . Sid was scared of no one except for Jack . He was a fighter . Jack wouldn 't berate Sid for stealing , because to contributed to his own wealth . Sid often stole to give a gift to Jack . Sid was simple . He wasn 't interested in anything but making Jack happy , and cattle . He loved cattle . He dreamt about cattle . He loved the calves , how they played , and how they wagged their tails when they drank from their mother . He hated weaning the calves , which he always thought was done too early . He hated selling them , but Jack would hit him over the back of the head and sell them anyway . They wanted Jim Barclay 's cattle , which were fine cattle and worth a lot . Jack set Sid to kill Jim , and they stole all the cattle . Conveniently , Jim Barclay and Jack Beveridge shared the same initials , so Jack sold the cattle as if they were his own . He got very rich and bought up land all over north - east Victoria . Sid was never concerned about being caught . It never crossed his mind that what he had done was wrong . If the police had ever suspected , and come asking questions , Jack would have dobbed Sid straight in and turned his back on his brother . But it never came to this . I haven 't done a book review for a while , because I have been reading the epic novel by Hilary Mantel : Wolf Hall . It won the Man Booker prize in 2009 . It took me about three weeks , when I am used to reading a book in a week . At a few points , I was ready to give up . The pace was slow , some of the paragraphs were nearly a page long . It was also confusing , because the writer kept referring to Thomas Cromwell ( the main character ) as ' he ' , even when there were other male characters in the scene . So , I was always having to reread sections to work out you said what , and what Cromwell actually did and didn 't do . After taking about 300 pages to build up , I did actually like Cromwell a lot . He was a great character . I think I like him because he was modern for his time , and a realist . He was also highly intelligent , and a hard worker . He was fair , and compassionate . He 's also never completely loyal to anyone but himself , and he 's not afraid to lie and cheat to get what he wants . The other reason I kept reading was that I know and love the story of King Henry VIII . This is the fourth novel about Henry that I have read . I have also watched the TV series : the Tudors . The story of Henry has never been told from a secondary perspective around Cromwell . It portrayed Henry in a different light , too , because of the experiences Cromwell had lived and where he was coming from . I think the next novel I should read about Henry will be A Man for All Seasons . Apparently there are some stark contrasts between how the characters are portrayed in each of these books . Sir Thomas More irritated me in this novel . But that is hardly surprising , since I have very little time for extremists . And that 's what I consider More to be . The most disappointing thing for me was that I felt the book finished in the wrong place . I thought it was called Wolf Hall because it would continue through until Jane Seymour became queen . The may that Mantel has portrayed Jane Seymour makes me wonder how she ever got noticed by Henry . Answering that question was one of the reasons I kept reading , but not to have that question answered has left me feeling unsatisfied . Obviously , if we don 't even get to the point when Jane Seymour is queen , then we don 't get to Cromwell 's lutheran queen , and the beginning of his end . Does that mean that there is room for a sequel to Mantel 's epic ? I hope not : I can 't cope with putting this much effort into reading . This is a very difficult task . Although I have a broad outline of the story in my head , I like it to unfold while I write . Having to write the climax when I haven 't fully developed my characters and setting is difficult . I know that I want Harry to find Jim 's killers and subtly confront them . But I don 't know where or how that 's going to happen yet . I don 't think I 'll end up using this scene , and I 've rushed it because I know I won 't use it . But the exercise was great , because it 's made me think that far ahead . ASSIGNMENT by JacquiHe sat in the hard pew at the back of the church , back stiff , and hands folded unnaturally in his lap . Mark sat beside him , leaning towards Harry and whispering gossip about each of the locals as they filed past to the front of the church . Harry was not listening closely . He was watching each man pass , trying to recognise any of the figures that he had seen from a distance , sitting on top of the Buckland spur and watching the drovers . He began to think his intuition was off . He was kidding himself if he thought that Jim 's murderer would walk through the arch and identify himself . It was a long shot that the murderer had been sitting comfortably here in Myrtleford , as the police scoured Mansfield , Dargo and Gippsland . But when Harry saw him , he knew instantly . An average looking man , wearing a suit that was rolled up at the sleeves , and the legs tucked into his boots . The man had forgotten to remove his hat as he entered . It was pulled low over his eyes . As Harry watched , the man reached up and lifted the hat from his head , revealing deep - set eyes and greasy dark hair . " Jack Beveridge , " Mark whispered , continuing his commentary which Harry had not listened to until now . Harry took note to the initials - JB . Jim Barclay . " His family is from Harrietville . A whole heap of Beveridges all over there . He 's come into some money recently , because he 's been buying up farms and land all over Buckland and Abbeyard . Strange , though . His brother is always trailing close by . " As if to prove his point , a taller man ducked into the interior of the church . " There he is . Sid . " The service passed without Harry hearing a word . He murmered " Amen " when the congregation did . He tried to concentrate , but his eyes kept slipping over to where Jack and Sid Beveridge sat . When the priest finally shut his book with a snap , Harry slid from his pew and ducked straight out the back of the church , into the sun . He was letting the warmth soak into his upturned face when Mark found him . " We 're not leaving yet . Let me introduce you around to soThe men continued to hold their hand shake , looking into each other 's eyes , each now knowing that the other man knew that he knew . Harry recognised the importance of this moment , and would not drop his eyes first . He would be forever in danger if he did . This man would come and hunt him down . Or send his brother . Sid shifted again and stepped forward , breaking Jack 's gaze and drawing his eyes towards his brother . The moment passed , and Harry released Jack 's hand as the other man stepped back . He watched Jack for a moment longer , before turning to grasp Sid 's hand for two brief pumps . It was clear that Sid did not see what had passed , and though Harry felt sure that Sid knew who he was , Sid did not suspect that Harry knew who they were . Knew their darkest deeds , and where they had come upon their money . Selling cattle with the brand " JB " . After briefly discussing the lack of rainfall , Harry let Mark steer him away . He felt the deep set eyes burn a hollow into his back , which made him walker taller and stronger . He knew . When you do get to write the climax , however , I hope that you will give us a little more than this . ' Subtle ' is all very well , but I feel you are being just a little too subtle here . For example , we don 't get Jack 's final reaction . Yes , he knows Harry knows , but what then ? What expressions cross his face ? How does his body language change ? When Harry watches the man ' for a moment longer ' , what does he see ? Last year , before I moved , I was a member in a brilliant book club . I still carry around the book list from the book club in my bag , so that when I am in a bookshop I can look for something rather than just browse . I use it as a guide . Only one book from each author is listed , so sometimes I will chose a different book by the same author . The aim is just to get me reading a wider variety of books than I ever read before . If I don 't like an author , I never had to read their writing again . If I do like an author , then I will find out what else they have written , and form a great relationship with their books . ALLENDE , Isabel - Ines of my Soul . I have already read " Of Love and Shadows " by Isabel Allende . I liked her style enough to try one more book by her . Either this one , or " The House of the Spirits " . ARMSTRONG , Lance - It 's Not About the Bike . Read it . It 's not about the bike - it 's about a huge ego . AUSTEN , Jane - Persuasion . I have read " Pride and Prejudice " and tried to read " Sense and Sensibility " but hated it . I 'm not going to try any more Jane Austen unless someone can convince me otherwise . BRONTE , Charlotte - Jane Eyre . I 've seen the movie . I 'm not interested in reading the book . I have bought her sister 's book , Wuthering Heights , so I 'll give that a go . GREGORY , Philippa - The Other Boleyn Girl . Read it . Loved it ! Read the sequel , and loved it also . I 've also bought The Other Queen and The White Queen to read . GRUEN , Sara - Water for Elephants . Read it , loved it ! I 'm not interested in seeing the movie . I will read more by Sara . HARDY , Thomas - Tess of the D ' Urbervilles . I know this story , because I watched the TV series . Not interested in reading it , now that I know the story . I might try something else by this author , if there is anything . MCCARTHY , Cormac - All the Pretty Horses . I have read The Road . I have also bought Blood Meridian . If I also like that , then I will read more of Cormac 's writing . MCEWAN , Ian - On Chesil Beach . I have read Atonement . I have tried to read another book by Ian , but hated it so much that I put it down ( I hate putting books down , it feels like a failure ) . I might try something else by Ian , if it is recommended to me . NIFFENEGGER , Audrey - The Time Traveller 's Wife . Read it . It was confusing to begin with , and hard to read . But then it flowed well , and I loved it . Hated the movie ! I will read more of Audrey 's PICOULT , Jodi - My Sister 's Keeper . I have read something by Jodi already . It didn 't stand out . It was too ordinary . I 'm not in a rush to pick up another book by her , at this point . Unless someone wants to recommend one ? REILLY , Matthew - Temple . As an Australian author , I should have read something by Matthew already , but I haven 't . I 've bought Scarecrow to read . SEBOLD , Alice - The Lovely Bones . Read it , loved it . Also saw the movie , and although it missed out a lot ( as movies always do ) , I think the movie was great . It didn 't stick to my imagination , either , but it had such an emotional effect on me that I cried throughout most of it ! SILVEY , Craig - Jasper Jones . Read it . It was edgy , but I don 't think I 'll read anything by Craig again . It seems like it is young adult fiction . TSIOLKAS , Christos - The Slap . I 've read it . I might try something else by Christos , mainly because he is Australian . I am hopeful that not all his writing is as sex - and drug - obsessed .